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J* ?-/:..^; •?*'• r )i • .1^ '■•»*' ^;£;i :iV » ^' .? # ETIQUETTE FOR LADIES; \l A MANUAL OF THE fl MOST APPROVED RULES OF CONDUCT In |)oUsl)cii Socictjj, For Married and Unmarried Ladies. COMPILED FROM THE LATEST AUTHORITIES BY A LADY OF NEW-YORK. There is nn greater sign of a little mind, than tit« affectation of despising little duties.— Mrs. Brat. PHILADELPHIA: G. B. ZIEBER & CO. 1845. j^i i 4 ^A, ■ .» I US' \ (^^ Entered according to Act of Congress in the year 1S43, by Jamks Mow ATT ii Co.» in the CIcrli's office of tlio District Court of tlin Soutliern District of the State of New-Yorlc. '• ■»'.•>.*•:_.- ' •rv Ak. • Aii .'"■ 4?^ ^4- n \ I ; / PREFACE. A complete knowledge of the laws of et- iquette, is indispensable to every lady who desires to preserve her own dignity in mingling with the world, and who hopes to command the respect due to her sex. An elo- quent writer on the necessity of these laws, says, that ** as man is a social being, that science must be an important one, which teaches him how to conduct himself in so- ciety." A woman may have many excellent qual- ities — her heart may be full of kindness, and her mind richly stored with knowledge — ^yet, unless she is acquainted with the despotic little laws imposed by society, these will not preserve her from ridicule, or teach her how to avoid wounding her best friends, by an act which they may consider slightinjc:. ill w \ •^■'' IV The one great rule, which should govern all her actions, should be ** courtesy to all" The high and the low — the tradesman and the domestic, as well as our equals and su- periors, have all a claim to courtesy — es- pecially, to courtesy from a woman. By that courtesy, she will win affection and esteem, more rapidly, and more certainly, than by her talents, wit, or learning. She gains re- spect by bestowing it, and shows her own superiority, by assuming none. Courtesy is generally a gainer, but never a loser. The laws of etiquette have been classed and explained in the following pages, and every lady who does not wholly disregard the ordinary courtesies of life, will find this little volume a valuable drawing room com- panion. - !-iV :-?f-' ' '; -'■■■ : rx i^:.;,:ij;^.^-'. \ ~tris i "~ ---^ v. g rr " ^^ '^iamny^'' '"' CONTENTS he gains re- True Politeness Introductions Introductory Letters Notes and Cards of Invitation Visiting .... New- Year's Day trowing and other Salutations Promenading . A. Lady in her own House Dress . . . Conversation Correspondence Receiving and acknowledging Presents Punctuality Servants «... Etiquette of the Dinner Table etiquette of the Ball Room. PAOC . 7 . 10 . 14 . 15 . 17 . 22 . 24 . 25 . 27 . 90 . 32 . 40 . 42 . 44 . 45 . 47 . 54 '1 . r ■\ ^ *. < v *m I I I! vr-(, ;■■ in { >.t A 4 , K ^ * S..e . V Xi-- V--.., ^.v.^- j|i(C ^ ['■■yf^'i 't5f-'. ■ Ji ^'fi- >r>- »* -^t,:-»*^'^ "ifiv^'r :.;}* «»^;* ,-itV-'>-T »■ t'vVj ■ , >? '4: ;*L\ >]y; ••y 1^.^ s iW f^;u;:'{>;5^'^'; s^. .'/v;f'j' ' \ " '* ■ ETIQUETTE FOR LADIES. CHAPTER I. TRUE POLITENESS. True Politeness is the offspring of ;^«jod« breeding and good-nature. Persons may be ceremonious, but they cannot be really ^o- lite without retaining some kindly feehng towards their neighhours— without beine willing to overlook the faults^ and to search out the virtues of their fellow creatures. The manners of a man mav lose their grace and refinement by too close applica- tion to business, or to literary pursuits, but want of polish in a lady is inexcusable. It is essentially her province to please, and politeness has been termed the '* art of plea- sing." To be courteous, she should accommodate her feelings to the feelings of those with 8 ETIQUETTE whom she is associating. She may differ from them in opinion, but always with an air which says that her own opinion is not, of course, iniallible. Pope says that ** true politeness consists in bemg easy oneself, and making everybody about one as easy as one can." Byron expressed an equally correct senti- ment when he said of married women — ** They know the world and are at ease, ^ And oeing natural, naturally please." Tlie principal rules of politeness are : — To subdue the temper. To submit to the weaknesses of our fel- low-men. And to render to all their due, freely and courteously. To do this effectually it requires— judg- ment to recommend ourselves to those whom we may meet in society, and discrimination to know when and to whom to yield, as well as discretion to treat all with the de- ference due to their reputation, their station, or their merit. Sincerity is another essential charactc ris- tic of courtesy. It is the want of this which makes society what it is said to be, artifi- cial. Good-breeding, in a great measure, con- \ I j may differ s with an lioa is not, iss consists everybody rrect s enti- omen — : ease, Me." ^ less are : — of our fel- freely and ires— judg- lose whom crimination ) yield, as itn the de- leir station, :haractc ris- this which I be, artifi- asure, con- SIS hu un ni( Tt shi ou ha tec ths J tO( in ] sec me eve 1 rou ma wa; aloi the a n \ she litei feel T FOR LADIES. sists in being easy, but not indifferent ; good- humoured, but not familiar ; passive, but not unconcerned. It includes, also, a sensibility, nice, yet correct, — a taet, delicate, yet true. There is a golden mean in the art which it should be every one's object to attain, with- out descending to obsequiousness on the one hand, or to familiarity on the other. A failing in conduct or an infirmity in temper, is more easily excused in society than any deficiency in politeness. Arrogance is one of the greatest obstacles to courtesy. Pride is highly culpable either in male or female. A kind word, or a gracious smile, will secure that good-will, which a haughty de- meanour, or a high look, may forfeit for ever. The really courteous woman has a tho- rough knowledge of human nature, and can make allowance for its failings. She is al- ways consistent with herself. The polite alone know how to make others polite ; as the ffood know how to inspire others with a relish for virtue. When a lady uses too much ceremony she violates one of the principal rules of po- liteness, for she does not make her guests feel at ease. The most polite etiquette does not oblige . • ,1 10 ETIQUETTE I you to observe all the finical rules of po- liteness, where they are certain to be nei- ther understood nor appreciated. There cannot be greater rudeness than displaying any of the real polish of conven- tional rules, amongst those who are so ill-ac- quainted with them as to appear more igno- rant than yourself. Whoever at home or abroad talks much about what is genteel or fashionable, or what is the reverse, shows that she is her- self unacquainted with true good breeding. The term genteel is only found in the mouths of those who have it nowhere else. CHAPTER II. :}lSJt'^i %■ ■■^iW'i^ INTRODUCTIONS. As a general rule, do not introduce a gen- tleman to a lady without first privately asking her permission. In going through the ceremony of intro- ducing pronounce the name of the lady first, adding, *' permit me to present to you Mr. - »» ■.-^,. FOR LADIES. 11 In introducing two gentlemen, present the younger one to the elder, or the one of low- er rank to the one of higher. If the gentle- men are about the same age, and equals in society, present the stranger to the one with whom you are most intimate. The best form of expression that can be used in intro- ducing two gentlemen, who are in the same circle, is to say, " Mr. , let me make you acquainted with Mr. .'* But if you are addressing an elderly gentleman always say, " Mr. permit me to present to you Mr. ." A lad)[ should always be perfectly at her ease while introducing her friends to one another, as she has, while performing this necessary little ceremony, great opportunity of proving whether or not her manners are truly graceful. It is not considered fashionable to intro- duce two persons who accidentally meet in your parlour, and who are paying you a morning visit. The object of this custom in France, (where it nrst arose,) was to prevent formality, as visitors were expected to converse together without an introduc- tion, and were afterwards at liberty to re- cognise each other or not just as they plea- sed. It is therefore in good taste, if you find your guests do not converse together with- 'tm ETIQUETTE out an introduction, to present them to one another. Never introduce in the street, unless the third person joins and "walks with you. You may make an exception to this rule when the parties are mutually . desirous of knowing one another. If you are walkins^ with one lady do not stop to converse with others who are unknown to her, as she must necessarily feel unpleasant. If you are walking with a gentleman you may follow the bent of vour mclination, for if he is well bred he will attend your pleasure without evincing either impatience or awkwardness. A lady is at liberty to take either another lady or a gentleman to pay a morning visit to a friend, without asking permission ; but she should never allow a gentleman the same liberty ; if he desires to make any of his friends known to her, he must first ask if the acquaintance would be agreeable. A lady who is invited to an evening as- sembly may always request a gentleman who has not been invited by the lady of the house, to accompany her. Acquaintances made in travelling, or ac- cidentally in public places, have no claim to more than a passing bow if you after- wards find that the acquaintanceship is not particularly desirable. \. FOE LADIES. 13 When a gentleman is presented to a lady, if she is in her own house and desires to welcome him, she may shake hands with him : but on any other occasion, unless the gentleman is venerable, or the bosom friend of the husband or father, this practice is re- prehensible. The same rule should be observed when a lady is introduced to a lady, although in this country tne habit of shaking hands is very general. In mtroducins a friend, be as cautious of saying too much in his favour as too little, for if the introduced be really the possessor of very good qualities, they will soon be found out, and more appreciated than if they had in the first instance been all told. At a large dinner or evening parly, al- though some persons strictly adhere to the French custom of not introducing, the mis- tress of the house shows real politeness by presenting to one another those persons whom she thinks will assimilate m their dispositions. If there are strangers present, a party in America is apt to become formal through the omission of introductions ; not so in Paris, where everybody converses with his neighbour without going through the unnecessary ceremony of a presentation. {/^ u ETIQUETTE W CHAPTER III. mTRODUCTORY LETTERS. A LETTER of Introduction should be en- closed in an envelope, and left unsealed. Letters of Introduction should only be ad- dressed to persons upon whom you have some claim for civility, or to whom the ac- quaintance of the friend you introduce must necessarily be agreeable. The card and address of the person for whom the introduction is intended should be enclosed within the letter. The letter will be acknowled^fed in the course of three days, either by a visit or an invitation. If no answer is received, you may infer that the person who gave the letter had no right to do so. ^ FOR LADIES. 15 CHAPTER IV. NOTES AND CARDS OF INVITATION. Invitations should be sent in the name of the lady of the house. The usual form is simply " Mrs. requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. 's company on " The eve- ning, the date of that evening, and if the party is small the hour, are then inserted. If the daughters and sons of the family are invited, a separate note is sent to the Misses and another to the Messieurs The answer should be " Mr. and Mrs. accept with pleasure Mrs. *s invita- tion for Thursday evening next ;" (or what- ever evening it may be ;) the date of the day in which the answer is written is pla- ced on the left hand, at the bottom of the note. If a refusal is sent it should be expressed as follows: "Mr. and Mrs. regret that it will not be in their power to accept Mrs. 's invitation for Thursday eve- ning next," the date as before. Replies or invitations couched in unusual 'I I t -ft,' ■1 r 16 ETIQUETTE forms of speech, (unless the party is a very small and sociable one) denote a want of breeding. A note of invitation or a reply is always enclosed in an envelope. Sealing wax should be of fancy colours, or if a wafer is used, it must be a transpa- rent one, designed for ladies' notes. If a lady invites another lady whom she has never visited, she encloses her card. Invitations should be answered within two days. If you send an acceptance, and, when the appointed day arrives, are unable to attend, be sure to despatch an excuse be- fore evening. . Printed cards are issued when the ball is large. For a fancy ball the invitations are sent out three weeks beforehand. For a large ball ten or seven days — for smaller ones five days, and for parties three and two days. Never invite only one day before your party takes place, unless you give the mvi- tation in person. For invitations, use finely glazed and gilt edged paper, perfectly unadorned unless with the stamp of your crest or initials. I- t- t ''^^•v ^X ty IS a very a want of \f is always acy colours, \ a transpa- es. whom she ler card, ired within )tance, and, , are unable 1 excuse be- the ball is iritations are nd. For a for smaller ree and two efore your ve the invi- zed and gilt rned unless initials. I' 1} FOR LADIES. 17 « CHAPTER V. VISITING. <* If a lady," says Mrs. Parks, ''be enga- ged with light needlework when visitors enter, it promotes ease and is not inconsist- ent with good breeding to continue her em- ployment during conversation ; particularly if the visit be protracted, or the visitors be gentlemen." It is generally in bad taste to greet her female friends with a kiss, when there are gentlemen present with whom she is not very intimate. There are of course many occasions when this rule may be deviated from. Of these the lady must herself be the judge. ^^ Unless her guests are advanced in yelife she should not accompany them toti ^|^|e or. If she is living in style she will ring SilleU, when they take leave, for a servant t0Wt» tend them. When you enter a drawing room where there is a ball or a party, if possible salute the lady of the house before speaking to anybody else. Even your most intimate 18 ETIQUETTE friends are to appear invisible until you have made your courtesy to your entertainer. In Paris it is customary for a lady to enter a ball-room without taking the arm of the gentleman by whom she is attended — she also crosses the room at pleasure without any assistance — this custom is sometimes adopted in the higher circles in England and America, and promotes ease. When you leave a room before the oth- ers, go without speaking to any one, if pos- sible, unseen. In company, though none are *' free," yet all are " equal." All therefore whom you meet, should be treated with respect, al- though interest may dictate toward each different degrees of attention. It is disre- spectful to the inviter to shun any of her guests. Those whom she has honoured by asking to her house, you should sanction, by admitting to your acquaintance. If you meet any one whom you have never heard of before at the table of a gen- tleman, or in the drawing-room of a lady, you may converse with him or her with en- tire propriety. The form of " introductions" is nothing more than a statement by a mu- tual friend, that two persons are by rank and manners fit acquaintances for one another. FOK LADIES. 19 All this may be presumed from the fact, that both meet at a respectable house. Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they go there to unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of busi- ness, you should never, at an evening party, speak to a man about his profession. If, in paying a morning visit, you are not recognized when you enter, mention your name immediately. If you call to visit one member of the family, and you find oth- ers only in the parlour, introduce yourself to them. Much awkwardness may occur through defect of attention to this point. If your visit is merely one of ceremony, do not wait too long; if the party is not at home, leave your card. This equally enti- tles you to a return visit as if you had found her at home. Visits of ceremony, although made after noon, are called morning visits. In ordinary visits, leave a single card ; but if there be residing in the family a mar- ried daughter, an unmarried sister, a guest, or any person in a distinct situation from the mistress of the house, and you acquaint- ed with them, leave separate cards for each. Some ladies fold down one corner of a card when they wish to denote that their visit is only to one member, and two, three, or even four corners, when it is to the same num- 20 ETIQUETTE ber of persons ; but the custom is nearly ob- solete. If you accidentally forget the name of the person you are addressing, the easiest and most polite mode of discovering it, is with- out constraint to ask him his name, making some casual remark about the difficulty of remembering names, and your unfortunate aptitude to forget them. \ When a lady visits you for the first time, her visits should be returned within three days, or at the latest within a week. When you are invited to a party, you should call on the person from whom the invitation came, on the third or fourth day after the party has taken place. To leave your card, without inquiring if the lady is at home, is sufficient. It is ill-bred to wear your veil over your face while paying a visit. ■■' Visits of condolence are made the week after a death has occurred in the family you are visiting. If you are related to the af- flicted persons, call immediately. Visits of congratulation, after a marriage, birth, &c. should be made within a fort- night. Farewell visits should be made only a few days before your departure from the city. It is only necessary to leave your card with P. P. C. (Pour prendre congecy) FOR LADIES. 21 or P. D. A. {Pour dire Adieut) written upon it. Only two visits a year are due to per- sons with whom you are not very well ac- quainted. If you do not wish to receive a visit, 3rou run less risk of giving offence hy desiring your servants to say tJiat you are " not at homei'' than by sending word that you are engaged. The former form has been ob- jected to on the plea that it was t^Uing a falsehood, and teaching your servants to do the same. But it is easy to explain to a domestic that ** not at home*' is under- stood as *' not at home to company — not in the parlour to receive company ;'' and the mode of expression being generally under- stood in society, it cannot oe accounted a falsehood. To peep through the blinds of a windtrac, or over the bannisters, when the street do$; bell rings, is decidedly vulgar. \ 22 ETIQUETTE CHAPTER VI. %> NEW YEAR S DAT. It is the custom in Paris, in New York, and in several other cities, both in Europe and America, for gentlemen to call upon the whole circle of their lady acquaintances on the first day of the year. The omission of 'j' this observance in regard to any particular family, would be considered a decided slight. Its influence on the social intercourse of fam- ilies is very salutary ; the first day of the year is considered a day of kindness and reconciliation, on which petty differences are forgotten, and trifling injuries forgiven. It sometimes happens, that between friends long connected, a misunderstanding takes place. Each is too proud to make conces- sions, alienation follows, and thus are two families, very probably, permanently estran- ged. But on this day of mutual amnesty^ each of the offended parties calls on the wife of the other, kind feelings are recalled, past grievances are forgotten, and at their next meeting they take each other by the hand, and are again friends. On New-Year*s day, the ladies of the fam- ily are expected to be dressed at as early an hour as ten o'clock. N FOR LADIES. 23 Cakes, wines, and liquors are spread upon a side table : this is all the refreshment that is absolutely necessary; but sometimes a large table is spread with a handsome colla- tion in the back parlour. It is not unusual to serve hot coffee. The ladieb of the family on this day inva- riably shake hands with their guests, and request them to help themselves to a glass of wine, or partake of the refreshments. The visits paid are always short, those who have a great number of visitA pay, merely leave their cards. , ^ The street doors are all thrown open, that visitors may not be delayed in gaining admission. If a lady does not receive company, her door is, of course, closed, but she should station a servant near it to answer the bell on the instant, and receive the cards. Ladies are expected to be in readiness throughout the first week of the new year, to receive those visits which were not paid on New-Year's Day. r H ETIQUETTE CHAPTER VII. BOWING AND OTHER SALUTATIONS. It is bad taste to courtesy in the street, and in equally bad taste to bow stiffly. A slight bend of the body, at the same time that you incline the head, forms the most graceful and affable salutation. A smile is natural on meeting a friend, and if it is necessary to bow coldly to an acquaintance, it is quite as well not to bow at all. A sentleman should always lift his hat entirely from his head on saluting a lady — unless he does this, his salutation deserves no return. Bows should be mutual and made at the same moment, but when they are unavoida- bly otherwise, the lady should bow first to the gentleman, as a token that she permits him to recognize her. If she does not do so, he is not at liberty to salute her, and runs the risk of finding his salutation unanswered. Low courtesies are now entirely obsolete, unless you are courtesying to a very old lady — then, as a mark of respect, you may bend lower than usual. FOR LADIES. 25 On entering a ball-room, your courtesy to the lady of the house should be a little more marked than it is when you are making a • • • . morning visit. When a lady is introduced to you, you may say, " 1 am very happy to make your acquaintance," but there are few cases where this remark can be addressed with propriety to a gentleman from a lady. It is always a favour for him to be presented to her, therefore the pleasure should be on his side. " I am happy to see you," is a very usual expression on greeting a visitor. CHAPTER VIII. PROMENADING. Every lady should study to carry herself gracefully, and practise walking in her chamber,' that she may obtain a graceful gait. It has been said of the American women, that while they are the most beautiful in the world, their carriage is worse than that of any other nation. Request the gentleman with whom you re walking to keep the step with you, and / ^' 26 ETIQUETTE do not walk with either gentleman or lady who has not learned to do this. Two i)ersons of dissimilar gaits, walking side by side, look particularly awkward. An unmarried lady should not take the arm of an unmarriea gentleman (unless at night, or when the pavement is slippery ;) if she takes his arm, it is to be presumed that she is engaged to him. A married lady may take the arm of her intimate friends of the other sex. Two la- dies should not walk arm in arm unless one of them is much older than the other. A lady should never take the arms of two gentlemen at the same time. In the eve- ning two ladies may take the arms of one gentleman. Gentlemen walk on the outside of the street, ladies always on the inside. A ffentleman may walk between two la- dies, out it looks better to see him walking on the outside of the street. Do not stop more than an instant in the street to converse with a friend ; it is not polite to make those who are passing walk out of their way. FOR LADIES. 27 ••i.^ "%'^ CHAPTER IX. A LADY IN HEPw OWN HOUSE. A LADY can never appear to as much ad- vantage as when doing the honours of her own house. It is especially her province to entertain her guests, and she cannot enter- tain them without being courteous to all. All lier guests for the time being are ecjualf and have an equal claim upon her attention ; if any difference be shown, lei it be towards those of lesser rank. She should never enter her own house without bowing to any one she may meet there, and she should on no account find fault with either servants or children before strangers. At an evening entertainment, no matter how large a number of guests may be as- sembled, she should pass quietly around the room and enter into conversation with every one present in turn. Her manners should he characterized by gentleness and suavity, and she should evince no over-anxiety to jilease, and no disquietude lest every thing should not go on smoothly. It is the height of rudeness to press a per- I )« r i^ 28 ETIQUETTE son to sing or play who refuses to do so. A lady has no right to force others to entertain her company. She should never take of- fence at any remark made by her guests — nor even make an answer, however witty, which might possibly wound. In offering a favour, take care to do it so as not to offend the delicacy of the one to whom it is offered. Never press a favour after it has been refused. Affectation is a deviation from, at the same time that it is an imitation of, nature. It is the effect of bad taste, and of mistaken notions of one's own qualities. The other vices have each a particular object, but af- fectation pervades and renders disagreeable the whole conduct and behaviour. Beauty itself loses its attraction when disfigured by affectation. Even to copy from the best models is wrong, because tne imitation can never be so good as the original. The eye of a mistress alone, can so regu- late an establishment, that visitors may at all times be received; and though she should never make her household arrange- ments a subject of conversation, nothing that contributes to the comfort of her do- mestic circle is beneath her notice. Lady Mary Wortley Montague observes, that *' the most minute details of house- hold economy, become elegant and refined, i.'fl FOR LADIES. 29 when they are ennobled by sentiment ;" — and they are truely ennobled when we do them either from a sense of duty, or con- sideration for a parent, or love to a husband. " To furnish a room," continues this lady, *' is no longer a common-place affair, shared with upholsterers and cabinet-makers ; it is decorating the place where I am to meet a friend or lover. To order dinner, is not ^lierely arranging a meal with my cook, it is preparing refreshment for him whom 1 love. These necessary occupations, viewed in this light, by a person capable of strong attachment, are so many pleasures, and a^ ford her far more delight than the fancies and shows which constitute the amusements of the world." A well-ordered house has been fitly compared to a watch, all the wheels and springs of which are out of sight, and it is only known that they exist, and are in order, by the regularity with which their results are brought about. H \ 30 ETIQUETTE CHAPTER X. DRESS. A LADY receiving evening company in her own house, should be more plainly dressed than her guests. It is not in Paiis considered ill-bred to no- tice and admire the toilette of your neigh- bour — to remark the furniture — to examme the paintings about the room, or to look at the books ; although in America, many per- sons who pretend to fashion, consider this exhibition and interest vulgar, and a mark that one is unaccustomed to luxuries. — This idea is evidently erroneous, and it is always gratifying to both men and women, to find that their dress, furniture, &c., meet your approval. It is in bad taste for a lady to draw on her gloves when visitors enter, for it seems to say that their presence prevents her employing her hands. Gloves should always be removed at din- ner. Mils are more appropriate than gloves to be worn in the house. A lady may shake hands without remo- her glove, but a vmg gentleman should FOR LADIES. 31 I ' never offer his gloved hand to one of the other sex. The neglect of the outward appearance, indicates either a little mind, or a disregard of. the opinion of your neighbours. One should always be neat and clean in person, and in dress, because this is an evidence of respectability. No lady who has any regard for herself, or any respect for the society in which she moves, will be slovenly in her appearance, or careless in her attire. It is true, there is danger of being too particular; but every lady is entitled to fol- low her own taste as to dress, provided she dresses suitably — that is, according to her age, circumstances, and station in society. The young of either sex, but particularly, the female, ought to regard their external deportment and appearance, as, to a certain extent, essential to character. To dress simply, and without ostentation, is a mark of modesty; and it will be sufficient to some ladies merely to hint, that too much finery of- ten draws attention to features, which, in themselves, are, perhaps, not particularly attractive. But in endeavouring to avoid every thing like display, young ladies, es- pecially, should be careful not to fall into the opposite extreme — that of prudery.-- There is more sincerity, if there is less ni- cety, in the conduct of a really virtuous woman, than there is in that of a prude; and 32 ETIQUETTE some degree of freedom, so far from being incompatible with the strictest virtue, is one of its princi][)al privileges. If a lady is obliged to receive company en deshabille f it is a sign of her good breed- ing, if she appears perfectly at ease, and makes little or no apology for her appear- ance. A person who changes her manners with her garb, must be innately vulgar. CHAPTER XL CONVERSATION. This is a subject which requires the ut- most tact and discretion. It consists, in a great measure, of vain compliments, the current rumors of the day, idle jests, super- ficial wit, scandal without end or purpose.— How few are able to sustain a«.«erious con- versation, or prolong a useful one ! Chit-chat, which is generally harmless, is always amusing; but every thmg savouring of scandal, ought at all times to be sedu- lously avoided. If you wish to secure attention, address yourself to the capacity of those to Avhoni you speak, by not appearing to be more learneu than they are; by which means FOR LADIES. 33 you may draw out their knowledge, which otherwise, they will keep to themselves. — It is common enough, to hear persons who have acquired a smattering of science, con- stantly using technical terms, but which they frequently misapply. The truly learn- ed, make no such pretensions. Politeness will teach you the tact of di- recting the conversation to such topics as you know to be agreeable, or in which you be- lieve those in whose company you may be are most versant. Good humour, when it "is kept within bounds, is the charm of conversation, which is always the belter for a little seasoning of wit. But, as has been remarked, wit with- out wisdom is a dangerous weapon. To take upon you to furnish mirth for tne whole company is not only undignified, but you will find it a most arduous task. A profess- ed wit, though his company may be courted, can never himself be esteemed. It is not contrary to good breeding to laugh in company, and even to laugh hear- tily, when there is anything amusing going on ; this is nothing more than being socia- ble. To remain prim and precise on such an occasion is sheer aflcctation. In conversation, you will find it the best way not to be ambitious of saying smart things. Every one, however, is now mort* c "^ u ETIQUETTE brilliant than his neighbour, and one is al- most forced to be witty in self-defence. There is nothing more annoying than in- terruption, except perhaps contradiction. — The person who is speaking to you, whoev- er it may be, or on whatever topic, except a personally insulting one, — for that admits ot no license, — is entitled to a patient hearing; and, when a (juestion is asked, courtesy re- quires that a reply of some kind or other should be immediately given. Contradiction is the greatest rudeness any one can be guilty of, and many persons will not brook it, for it creates a sort of revulsion in the feelings which it is sometimes ditfi- cult to control. Argument, as usually managed, (says Swift,) is the worst sort of conversation. — Sir Walter Scott is said to have so regulat- ed the conversation at his table, that when- ever it approached towards an argument be- tween two of the parly, by imperceptible but sure means, he contrived to clieck their mo- nopoly, and turn the conversation into chan- nels of more general interest. The great business in company is conver- sation. It should be studied as an art. — Style in conversation is as important, and as capable of cultivation, as style in writing. — The manner of saying things is what gives them their value. FOR LADIES. 35 The most important requisite for succeed- ing here, is constant and unfaltering atten- tion. That which Churchill has noted as the greatest virtue on the stage, is also the most necessary in company, — to be " always attentive to the business of the scene." — Your understanding should, like your per- son, be armed at all points. Never go mto society with your mind en deshabille. It is fatal to success to be at all absent or distrait. The secret of conversation has been said to consist in building upon the remark of your companion. Men of the strongest minds, who have solitary habits and bookish dispo- sitions, rarely excel in sprightly colloquy, because they seize upon the thing itself, — the subject abstractly, — instead of attending to the language of other speakers, and do not cultivate verbal pleasantries and refine- ments. He who does otherwise gains a reputation for quickness, and pleases by sliowing that he has regarded the observa- tion of others. It is an error to suppose that conversation consists in talking. A more important thing is to listen discreetly. Mirabeau said, ** that to succeed in the world, it is necessary to submit to be taught many things which j^ou understand, by persons who know nothing about them." Flattery is the smoothest path to success ; and tnc most refined and 86 ETIQUETTE gratifying compliment you can pay, is to lis- ten. La Bruyere says, "the wit of conver- sation consists more in finding it in others, than in showing a great deal yourself; he who goes from your conversation pleased with himself aiid his own wit, is perfectly well pleased with you. Most men had rath- er please than admire you, and seek less to be mstructed, — nay, delighted, — than to be approved and applauded. The most deli- cate pleasure is to please another." Patience is a social engine, as well as a Christian virtue. To listen, to wait, and to be wearied, are the certain elements of good fortune. If there be any foreigner present at a din- ner party, or small evening party, who does not understand the language which is spo- ken, good breeding requires that the conver- sation should be carried on, as far as possi- ble, entirely in his language. Even among your most intimate friends, never address any one in a language not understood by all the others. It is as bad as whispering. If upon the entrance of a visitor you con- tinue a conversation begun before, you should always explain the subject to the new-comer. It is sometimes Hatlery to accept praises. It is an error to imagine that men arc less intoxicated with llattery than women. ■V"?; - FOR LADIES. 37 I The only difference is, that esteem must be expressed to women, but proved to men. Never attempt to take the lead in conver- sation: if you are entitled to it, you will soon get it without striving after it, and it will be more graciously acknowledged by your so doing. Few things are more agreeable or more difficult, than to relate anecdotes with entire propriety. They should be introduced gracefully, have fit connection with the pre- vious remarks, and be in perfect keeping with the company, the subiect, and the tone of conversation ; they should he short, witty, and eloquent, and they should be new, but not far-fetched. In rapid and eager discourse, when per- sons are excited and impatient, repeat noth- ing but the spirit and soul of a story, leap- ing over the particulars. There are, how- ever, many places and occasions in which you may bring out the details with advan- tage, precisely, but not tediously. When you repeat a true story, be always extreme- ly exact. Never talk at people ; but if you must tell your opinion, talk to them at once. Do not repeat the name of the individual to whom you are talking, and never address any one with the terra Mr., or Mr. P., un- .' i 38 ETIQUETTE less you add the whole name ; it is a gross impertinence. It is allowable in some cases to conceal our sentiments ; but we ought never to do so for the purpose of deceiving others. Make it a rule never to give utterance to a false- hood : in all circumstances, and whatever be the consequence, adhere to truth. To be de- tected in any subterfuge, is to subject your- self to continual suspicion ; for no credit can ever be given to one who has once been con- victed of an untruth. Though neither truth nor sincerity oblige us to speak what we think ifl. all cases, we should in no case say what we do not think. Avoid the habit of employing French words in conversation. In general society, never quote from any author unless in En- glish. It is not considered good taste for a lady to say "yes, «Sir," and " no, Sifi^* to a gen- tleman, or frequently to introduce the word Sir at the end of her sentences, unless she desires to be exceedingly reserved towards the person with whom she is conversing. The voice of a woman should be well modulated, and she cannot take too much pains in learning the true pronunciations of the words she uses, whether English or fo- reign. She should by all means avoid an affected tone of voice — neither speaking too I I FOR LADIES. 39 loud nor yet too low. The former may bring on her the accusation of rudeness ; the lat- ter subject her to the charge of whispering — which is at all times an invidious thing. In conversatit n avoid such phrases as "My dear sir, or madam," unless they are ad- dressed to persons with whom you are very intimate. The desire of pleasing is, of course, the basis of social conversation. Those who en- ter society with the intention of producing an effect, and of being distinguished, how- ever clever they may be, are never agreea- ble. They are always tiresome, and often ridiculous. A recent writer on etiquette has said that "the whims and caprices of women in socie- ty should, of course, be tolerated by men, who, themselves, require toleration for greater inconveniences. But this must not be carried too far. There are certain limits to empire which, if they themselves forget, should be pointed out to them with delicacy and politeness. You should be the slave of the ladies, but not of their fancies." A lady should therefore be very careful not to make an unreasonable request of her warm- est admirer, for he may lose his esteem for her while he is obeying her caprices. Every woman should pav due deference to the aged, and especially in her own 40 ETIQUETTE house devote herself to the entertainment of those advanced in years. The old are generally complimentea by the attentions of the jDungf and the latter will not find it diffic .It to render their conversation agreea- ble to th«ir seniors. CHAPTER XII. CORRESPONDENCE. In writing a letter to a gentleman with whom you are not very intimate, commence by writing his name, and beneath it a little in advance, " My Dear Sir," or " Sir." Remember that the terms of compliment at the close of a letter — ** YouiS very res- pectfully, &c.," are merely forms signifying nothing. Do not therefore avoid them be- cause you dislike the person addressed. A lady's letter should always be enclosed in an envelope, unless it is going to some dis- tance, and the postage would be increased by the extra sheet. In writing to a lady put the name of the lady addressed at the bottom of the letter, towards the left hand corner. w \< M FOR LADIES. 41 Ladies are sometimes obliged to writ ■ business letters, and they should remember that in these, as well as in other epistles, politeness should not be altogether over- looked ; courtesy never loses anything, but on the contrary is always a gainer. A bu- siness letter should be answered as soon as possible. It is a gross breach of etiquette if you permit the letter of a friend to remain longer than a fortnight unanswered. All notes should be enclosed in envelopes. Business letters should be written on plain paper. The most appropriate ornament for either letter or note paper is a stamp of the crest or initials of the writer. Wafers are of course never used ; a large seal to a lady's letter is in bad taste. In letters, not on business, to gentlemen, always place the date at the end of the let- ter. It is considered a mark of respect to com- mence a letter towards the middle of the page. The lower towards the middle it is commenced the greater is the deference ex- pressed. Between friends this custom would, of course, be absurd. Figured and coloured paper may be used by ladies, but pure white paper, with gilt edges, is more strictly in good taste. I ; I • ' 1 I 42 ETIQUETTE CHAPTER XIII. RECEIVING AND ACKOWLEDGING PRESENTS. Among friends, presents ought to be made of things of small value ;. or, if valuable, their worth should be derived from the style of the workmanship, or from some acciden- tal circumstance, rather than from the inhe- rent and solid richness. Especially, never offer to a lady a gift of great cost : it is in the highest degree indelicate, and looks as if you were desirous of placing her under an obligation to you, and of buying her good will. The gifts made by ladies to gentle- men must be of the most refined nature possible : they should be little articles not purchased, but deriving a priceless value as being the offspring of their gentle skill ; a little picture from their pencil, or a trifle from their needle. If you make a present, and it is praised by the receiver, you should not yourself commence undervaluing it. If one is offered to you, always accept it, and however small it may be, receive it with civil and express- ed thanks, without any kind of affectation. You sometimes confer a greater favour in receiving a present than in presenting one. A '43 FOR LADIES. PENTS. e made aluable, he style acciden- he inhe- y, never it is in looks as er under her good 3 gentle- l nature icles not value as skill ; a ' a trifle I praised yourself 5 offered er small express- 3Ctation. ivour in ing one. Avoid all such deprecatory phrases, as " I fear I rob you," &c. When a lady receives a present from a lady, it should always be immediately ac^ knowledged by a note or a visit. If the present is from a married or elder- ly gentleman, it should be likewise acknow- ledged by a note ; but if from a young gen- tleman. It will be time enough to express your indebtedness when he calls upon you. It is difficult and generally rude for a lady to refuse a present. Should the gift be sent by a gentleman, there are circumstances un- der which she may be forced to do so, and she should then, without delay, write him a polite note returning his present. All New- Year's gifts, be the givers who they may, are accepted by the well bred. To acknowledge a present by immediate- ly sending another, is an obsolete custom, which says very pointedly, " I do not choose to be under obligations to you." If the re- ceiver of a gift wishes to return the com- pliment, she should first permit a month to elapse. ^ f I Wli I I Jl 44? ETIQUETTE CHAPTER XIV. , PUNCTUALITY. In every requirement of life, punctuality is indispensable. In business, it is so neces- sary that it has become a proverb. To in- sure your own comfort and respectability, it is essentially requisite that you should in all things be punctual. , In correspondence, particularly, it ought to be the mvariable rule. Besides the embarrassment and con- fusion which arise from the accumulation of unanswered letters, there is a danger of loss of friends by neglecting to acknowledge their communications till it is too late. This would easily be prevented by following the Duke of Wellington's plan, and answering every letter, no matter on what subject, if it requires an answer, as soon as you can after receiving it. There is one species of punctuality which is most essential to comfort — and that is, as regards a dinner invitation. Some people think that, by arriving a little before^ or preciselj^ at the hour appr>inted, they will be considered as having come too soon, while the not coming till a little beyond it adds to their importance. But this is a mis- FOR LADIKS, 45 taken idea. In genteel society no family waits beyond the hour fixed ; and if you should arrive after the company have taken their places, you will be received for form's sake, with as much courtesy as the rest, but you will be deemed by all present igno- rant of what is right. Punctuality as to time is very important. In making an appointment with any one, you are bound, both in honour and duty, to keep it exactly at the hour ; for, however much you may be disposed to squander away your own time, you have no right to waste that of another, which may be pres- sing and valuable. CHAPTER XV. SERVANTS. Few ladies are aware how frequently their own conduct is judged by that of their servants. No lady should tolerate ill-man- ners, or sullen domestics, and most espe- cially, if they evince the slightest absence of respect to visitors. For a lady to reprove a servant before 46 ETIQUETTE her guests, is unpardonable ; for she not on- ly evinces little consideration for the feelings of the domestic, but she makes her guests feel unpleasantly. When she is receiving company, the du- ties of her domestics should previously be so explicitly explained to them, that they are not obliged to address her, or receive even a signal from her. If, through some omission, this has been forgotten, or her or- ders are not obeyed, she should quietly call the servant to her, and express her wishes in a subdued tone, but without whispering ; passing the matter over as lightly as possi- ble. If she whispers, it is evident that she is not at ease. The demeanour of a lady towards a ser- vant, whether in company or in private, should be mild. By showing her domestics consideration , she teaches them to be con- siderate in return. She should take an in- terest in them, and their affairs, giving them counsel when ihey need it, but strictly avoiding all familiarity. Every lady should msist upon her ser- vants answering the street door bell, as well as any other bell, the instant they are rung. If persons are forced to ring twice, they can not but feel that the house at which they are visiting, is not well regulated. VOR LADIES. 4Y CHAPTER XVI. ETIQUETTE OF THE DINNER TABLE. To perform faultlessly the honours of the table, is one of the most difficult duties im- posed by society. The lady of the house, to make her friends feel at ease, should express no anxi- ety, and mention no disappointment to them. When the servant announces that dinner is served, every gentleman conducts a lady to the dining room. If the company mere- ly pass from one room to another, he gives the lady his right hand ; if they descend a stair, he gives her the wall. The lady of the house should be led to the dining room by the principal person pres- ent, or the person in whose honour the din- ner is given. She should enter the dining room first, and taiie her station at the head of the ta- ble ; for if she enters it last, as was form- erly the custom, she finds some difficulty in assigning seats to her guests, which it is her duty to do, if there are ladies amongst the company. The gentleman of the house, should al- ways enter last. ■.^„., 1 |i i \ I ." > I 4» ETIQUETTE The ladies take their seats immediately, but the gentlemen remain standing, until every lady present is seated. The conversation of the dinner table should be very general. Napkins, and finger glasses, are essential in all refined society. When the party is lar^e, it is customary for the table to be beautifully spread with th6 dessert, and decked with flowers : the viands are then carved by servants at side tables. When this is the case, the cloth is not removed. Too great a display of plate, or too daz- zling a show of cnrystal, unless upon some particular occasion, is in bad taste. Sim- plicity is the soul of good- breeding, as it is the essence of natursil beauty ; and to put your visitor on a footing with yourself, is the best compliment you can pay him. — When you see company, therefore, let the table be set out tastefully, but not ostenta- tiously ; — in a manner suitable to your sta- tion, but not, as it were, to exhioit your pride and wealth, more than your hospitali- ty and social feeling. At a party, never take soup or fish twice: at at a family dinner, this is not of consequence. Never refuse taking wine on bein^ asked: you are not bound to do more than sip your glass. jdiately, gy until r table essential stomary ad with ers: the 5 at side cloth is too da2- on some Sim- f as it is id to put iirself, is y him. — let the ostenta- vour sta- mt your lospitali- twice; at equence. ig asked: sip your H I ; FOE LADIES. 49 Never load the plate of any one ; and in helping sauce, do not cover the meat or veg- etables, but put it on one side of the plate. Never put more than one spoonful of soup into a plate. Take care that the bread be cut in a cube form, not in slices, but in pieces of about an inch and a half thick. Knives were made for cutting, and those who carry food to their mouths with them, frequently cut their lips. Eat always with a fork or a spoon — unless, indeed, in those old fashioned houses, where there are only i too-pronged forks, you are obliged to use your knife. No one, however, who gives parties, omits to have broad silver forks. In using your fork, hold it in your right hand. As knives spoil the delicacy of fish» and are apt to be corroded with the sauce, fish is sfeneraily eaten with the assistance of a fork and a piece of bread. Peas, curry, tarts, and pudding, should be eaten with a spoon rather than a fork. In helping any one at table, it is not proper to use a knife and fork, if a spoon can be as conveniently substituted. In supping, eating, and drinking, make as little noise as possible. Never press people to eat more than they chc )se : never press any particular dish ; i( is sufficient to recommend it I 50 ETIQUETTE Never send away your own plate until all your guests have done so. Ladies should never have gloves on at dinner; servants should never want them; ahove all, take care that your servants' gloves be clean and white. If a plate be sent to you, at dinner, by the master or mistress of the house, you should always take it, without offering it to all your neighbours, as was in olden times considered necessary. The spirit of antique manners, consisted in exhibiting an atten- tion to ceremony ; the spirit of modem man- ners, consists in avoiding all possible ap- pearance of form. When you are helped to any thing at a dinner table, do not wait with your plate un- touched, until others have begun to eat. — This stiff piece of mannerism, is often oc- curring in the country, and indeed, among all persons who are not thoroughly bred. — As soon as your plate is placed before you, you should take up your knife, and arrange the table furniture around you, if you do not actually eat. Among choice cuts, and delicacies, be it remembered in carving, are the sounds of cod-fish, the thin or fat of salmon, the thick and fins of turbot, the fat of venison, lamb, and veal kidney ; the pope's eye of a leg of mutton, the ribs and neck of a pig ; the 1^ FOR LADIES. 51 breast and wings of a fowl ; the legs and back of a hare, and the ears, which are of great delicacy ; the breast and thighs, (with- out the drumsticks,) of turkey and goose ; the legs and breast of ducks ; or '^. the wings and breast of game g ei«.. al- though the back is highly relished. Fish should be helped in handsome slices. Salmon and all short grained fish, should be cut lengthwise, and not across. Although handsome slices are admired in carving poultry, for a larore party, it is bet- ter to cut slices from side to side, than to leave so much on the wings. The prime pans of a partridge are the breast and wings, the tips of the latter be- ing exquisite delicacies. In helping a pigeon pie, if the birds be not previously divided, take them out separ- ately on a plate, and cut each asunder. The fairest mode of cutting a ham, so as to eat fat and lean evenly, is to begin at a hole in the centre of the thickest part, and cut from it thin circular slices; by this means also, the moisture and flavor of the ham are best preserved. If you are complimented on the excel- lence of your dishes, or the choiceness of your wines, receive such praise with a mod- est acknowledgment, ahd with no affected airs. «i^.>' -1 \ n 52 ETIQUETTE When your friends come to see you un- invited, do the best you can to entertain them, but make no comment or apology ; for that always sounds to your guests like a reproach for taking you unawares. The greatest hospitality is generally to be found among persons of small income ; who are content to live according to their means, and never give any great dinners ; for nothing can be further from true hospi- tality, than the spirit in which such enter- tainments are usually given. There are two stingy practices which de- serve reprobation ; first, having the dining- room fire lighted only just before dinner, so that when the company enter, the room is not warmed ; secondly, letting the fire go out in cold weather, before the guests. It is customary for the ladies to retire a short time after they have partaken of the dessert. The lady of the house ought to make use of considerable tact, in choosing the right moment to withdraw, taking care not to interrupt the conversation of her guests. There are always occasional pau- ses which occur, and of one of these she must avail herself. She should catch the eye of the lady nearest her on her right, and, if possible, on her left also, and slight- ly inclining her head, rise without haste. — The ladies follow her from the apartment, )L FOR LADIES. 53 and all the gentlemen rise from their seats, and do not resume them until the last lady has retired. Coffee is served in the drawing room, a couple of hours after the ladies leave the table. Most of the gentlemen either join them then or before, but there are generally a few who prefer to remain at the table. At small parties, the gentlemen leave the table at the same time with the ladies, and coffee is served more promptly. There is one practice, to which, in gen- eral, literary and studious men are addicted, upon which a remark may not be thrown away; — that is, seizing upon a book and readmg, when the person so offending ought to be in conversation with the lady or gen- tleman seated beside him. It is a sure mark of the want of knowledge of the world, to be guilty of such a practice ; it ex- fa. /ts, also, an undeniable preference of the book to the company, for which, the person who shows himself so devoid of good breed- ing, is either unsuited, or he is desirous of arrogating to himself a privilege allowed to none — namely, the privilege of being rude. 54 ETIQUETTE CHAPTER XVII. ETIQUETTE OF THE ^ALL ROOM. The Bali-Room should be an assemblage of elegance, beauty, good humour, and vi- vacity, united witfi the utmost purity and propriety of conduct. The absence of some of these indispensable requisites from our public assemblies, has in the minds of ma- ny persons created a prejudice against the art of dancing, which, abstractedly, it by no means merits. There is, no doubt, some con- siderable difference between the etiquette of a public and a private ball-room, but they are essentially the same. The chief differ- ence is in the freedom of intercourse which is allowable between partners. Every one will see that in a select company, where each is, to some extent, personally known, and the fact of their invitation a guarantee for their respectability, a much greater de- gree of intimacy between parties is to be tolerated than would be at all proper in a public, and consequently promiscuous as- sembly. In one case, an invitation given should never, if possible, be refused; that is, when a lady requests the company of a gentleman ■^^ emblage and vi- irity and of some rom our of ma- linst the it by no ome con- etiquelte but they ief differ- 36 which Ivery one y, where ( known, guarantee :eater de- is to be :oper in a luous as- ;n should t is, when rentleman u FOR LADIES. 55 — with wnom she has no personal acquain- tance — to a ball, through the medium of a third person ; this is stepping beyond the prescribed rules of politeness, in order to shew a special mark of civility ; and the least return the person so honoured can make, is to accept the proffered kindness. The master of the ceremonies is a person- age of much importance, as on him, to a vast extent, depends whether the entertain- ment shall become a scene of refined de- light, or an unmeaning combination of " wearisome nothingness." He should be a real professor of the art, united with the feelings and the manners of a gentleman. And as he knows himself, in his official sta- tion, to be by common consent, constituted a recognised dictator, from whose decision there is no appeal, he should be especially careful never to assume a tone or manner,' so peremptory, as to appear to be conscious of his unlimited and unchallenged power. It is his especial duty to see that all the ar- rangements are so made as to produce the most agreeable sensations in the minds of all : while nothing should be omitted that is likely to contribute to the individual pleasures of each. No gentleman should venture to enter a ball-room who has not learnt to dance ; and in all other respects, so to conduct himseU, 56 ETIQUETTE as to impress the idea of feeling himself per- fectly at home. It has been remarked, with some severity, but with much truth, by the Abbe Meunier, that ** A young man who cannot dance, should go to battle and lose a leg, with all possible expedition, as he will then have a palpable excuse for his awk- wardness.'' And the bitter satire of Lord Chesterfield, upon a self-conceited specimen of masculine humanity, conducting himself so as to insure the contempt of any well re- gulated assembly into which he might in- trude, is so well known, that it is needless to quote it here. Nothing is more prepos- terous than for a man whose station in so- ciety gives him a right of entry among the polished and the gay, venturmg to claim the privilege, without having duly qualified himself, by a due attention to those rules, to which he is expected to conform. The following rules, in reference to the conduct of both ladies and gentlemen, should be carefully attended to. GENTLEMEN. ■ claim lalified ; rules, ! to the should dance ze with } to the become onveni- ssataaessss FOR LADIES. 57 ence. The figures in ffeneral are very sim- ple and can be easily learned. We say nothing here as to the steps. But if a gen- tleman is not possessed of an excellent figure, and great ease of motion, so as to display it to advantage, he should avoid every ambi- tious attempt at display. Let him walk through the Quadrille, or perform his part in a gliding and graceful manner, rather than distress his partner and make himself ridiculous, by " going with pious scrupulo- sity, through the one, two, three, of a balan- cez, and snaking a vast frame in a manner to fill the by-standers with a reasonable dread lest it should fall to pieces." If a gentleman solicits the honor of dan- cing with a lady, and is told she is engaged, it displays a want of good manners to solicit her for the next set, as for that and several others she may be engaged. The polite course is to beg her to be so condescending as to name when she will be disengaged, and wait her pleasure. Ease of manner, perfectly free from con- straint, but entirely removed from either aff'ectation or effrontery, is an essential re- quisite in a gentleman. Indeed, if he cannot be as easy in a ball room as in his own dom- icile, he had better never quit the latter. He must never forget, that the ability to dance well, does not of necessity, constitute 58 ETIQUETTE 5 him a gentleman, and that good sense and an obliging disposition are essential to the real possession of that estimable character. While standing up to dance, vou are al- lowed to converse, sotto voce, with your own partner, but only occasionally with any other lady. You must also recollect that in return for the honour done you, you are bound to shew to your partner the utmost polite attention. While engaged to dance with her, it would be a piece of unpardona- ble rudeness to quit her side. You must either sit or stand by her until your tempo- rary engagement is dissolvec'.. It seems now to be deemed hors de re^le to dance more than four sets with a lady, even should she be of your own party. Nor should any lady be engaged to dance beyond the fourth set she may happen to have on her list. To do so would seem a species of presumption, which every well-educated gentleman would avoid. Some men, gentlemen they call them- selves, think it a mark of their gentility, to act the grimacier, when dancing. No char- acter can be more disgusting. They only insure for themselves the contempt of every right-thinking person in the room. Dress is a matter of first-rate importance in a ball-room. L is reckoned tne most genteel for gentlemen to appear in black FOR LADIES. 59 coats well fitted, and of the newest fashion. A white silk roll-collared vest, linen of sur- passing whiteness, frilled, and with wrist- Dands of point lace, made according to the prevailing fashion. If his figure is well made, the gentleman should wear black tights, or trowsers half tight, and made to look as neat as possible. Black silk stock- ings, and stock with a neat bow, a hand- kerchief of tine cambric, with a plain bor- der, and slightly perfumed, and gloves of le- mon color, or white kid, completes the attire. A gold guard chain, brequet en resle, slight chain and seal, may be worn at pleasure. The chaussure must be of patent leather, beautifully neat, and the tie a small bow, — a large one is vulgar in the extreme. To complete the costume of the gentleman, his hair must be exceedingly well dressed. This gives the finish to his whole appear- ance. In closing our instructions to gentlemen, we must remind them, that when the hour for taking refreshment arrives, they have an important duty to perform. Each then selects a lady, and solicits the honour of leadiiiij her to the refreshment table ; where he is to remain with her, and to see that she is supplied with every thing she desires. He then conducts her back to the dancing room. I . /^ 60 ETIQUETTE LADII:.S. I We now proceed to point out to the fair ones, who add brilliancy and grace to every as- sembly which is honoured by their presence, such rules as it is necessary for them to ob- serve, in order to give effect to those enter- tainmentB, of which they are at once the soul and ornament. First, then, let our fair readers remember, that in order to enjoy, they must ever do all in their power to secure the happiness and enjoyment of others. It is always advisable, in frequenting public balls, to make up a party of your own ; but this must not engen- der a spirit of exc.lusiveness. You expect the whole assemblj in some way to con- tribute to your enjoyment, and your conduct and manners must be such, as to add some- thing to the general harmony. To this de- sirable end, good nature and propriety of conduct rre especially conducive. All affec- tation should be studiously avoided, and all that frowning and pouting sullenness, which so much disfigures the face of beauty. This kind of conduct will not only destroy your own pleasure, but will cause you to be " marked ;" whereas, it has been well ob- served, " it should be the grand object of your life, whether in public or in private, to FOR LADIES. 61 pass along noiselessly and beloved, and leave only the impress of fairy footsteps." Of one thing we warn you to be especially careful. Pain not the heart of a lover by any unjus- titiable preference for a new acquaintance, whom you may meet in a ball room. It is the height of folly, and evinces either a weak, or a vicious heart, to excite the feel- ings of jealousy, and to delight in the pow- er we possess of giving pain, or planting a thorn in that bosom which has reposed its happiness in our keeping. The delib- erate coquette is one of the most contempti- ble objects in creation. ' Some young ladies seem to court distinc- tion by staring modest people out of counte- nance, or by the loudness of their merri- ment ; this shews a lamentable want of good sense, and should be carefully avoided. It is the acknowledged privilege of a lady to command the unlimited and undivided attention of her partner, but no one who feels correctly, will so use this power, as to make that a task which should be a source of pleasure and delight. An excellent writer has observed, " a man who bestows his at- tentions on a woma«, deserves in return, her most grateful acknowledgments. He has chosen her from among many, and can there be a more delicate tiattery. Let her, there- fore, be invariably kind in her demeanor, i\ \a i ; i iv I 62 ETIQUETTE and above all things, shun the temptation to coquet. Half the old maids in these realms might appropriately write that little word on their escutcheons." In reference to dress, much must be left to individual taste and judgment. But how- ever rich the materials may be, let the style be simple and elegant, and such as will ac- cord well with the complexion and the figure it is intended to adorn. The hair should be well dressed, but with as little artificial adorning as possible. Of this part of the female form, it may with truth be said, " When unadorned, it is adorned the most.'' It would be ridiculous to prescribe what misht be called a ball room costume, since fashion is ever varying ; but we may re- mark, that the handkerchief should be "fine as a snowy cobweb," and perfumed, just sufficiently to render it agreeable. Your gloves should be of white kid, your shoes small, fitting with the nicest exactness. These should be perfect in their kind. In conclusion, we would remark, that both ladies and gentlemen should draw on their gloves in the dressing room, and never be for one moment without them in the ball room. At the time of taking refreshment, of course, they must be taken off'. No well- educated person would eat in gloves. V .vUL,.':,M..b7.^ T" I FOR LADIES. 63 You should never go to a public ball until a late hour. In going to private balls atten- tion must be paid to the habits of the invi- ter. Some persons would be curprised to see their guests before eleven o'clock, while others would be equally annoyed if they did not arrive by seven or eight. END. 1 Aimiix'Vt M t n'- W » l ' . I,-~MIUI. BI«US'6 BOVSEKEEPmG If ABB EAflVl oic^ eoi|ipl«te Iitftrnctor in all Braneheaof Cookery i^ Domeiitie Seonomy— containins up- wardfi tiif ittte receipts of dally uae In lOl fttnlltee— adapted Ut the Wants of tbe Ladtei of tbe 0nlted States. Bv an American IMp Copyrigbt. cliztb e(iition. Price 95 cents. No. 9.~A WINTER GOT FOR LADIESi being In- strnetlom In Knl#iv, Wmng, and Cr^liit Work, wt^additlonf. By an Americaa Latfy. No. l-^ABER!»«allnr'8 F^ttLT FHXI Reedy Vte^tM^JtL^M&W'^ where mediepL4iMwiliMbiJyi i^jiij be proeuretft,, Londonedyu.^ *♦* This ser^win Ik* Me wolkSf wbldli raUon, wilt appear Unymtif^ Jjibfift^ W^^^ilk^ No. L-^'tfflB^«mMl^#llMl»«INieti - Love. *rt«eawBBiLJl« "v. No. S.*-1^JIE mppiS^Nl <»» A. .d-< '? .:V %Ro- * m\\ INOK t»BN( with her Remarluift tm^H