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KM 
 
 JOHNNY CRAPEAUD 
 
 
 \ 
 
 3. Cegenb 04 BsQone JOags 
 
 AFTER 
 
 THE LATE THOMAS INGOLDSBY, ESQ. 
 
 
 .A, 
 
 \ 
 
 TORONTO: 
 
 PBINT£D AT TH» OmCE OT BYLTESTR BLOWHOLE, 
 
 1861. 
 
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 A LEGEND OF BYGONE DAYS. 
 
 I 
 
 (gSS^OME hither ! come hither ! draw nigh your chair*, 
 ^^^d And list to a legend of bye-gone years, — 
 \^&£>A quaint old story of long, long rgo, 
 
 About a French Bishop, named Johnny Crapeaud; 
 
 Who, With Priest and Friar, 
 
 And Jesuit TelUar, 
 Lived in Toronto— perhaps you know. 
 Their Sovereign Lord the Pope they served, 
 And little for England's weal they cared; 
 
 But never, I ween. 
 Such professions were seen 
 Of love and loyalty for our Queen ! 
 
 The Pope of that day, 
 1 have heard people say. 
 Looked glum as his glory was passing away ; 
 But, to prop up his powers, 
 He called in fresh rowers, • 
 
 And with this new crew. 
 Raised a hiUabuUoo ! 
 
 •*|.# 
 

 Better the aid of these Jesuit Fathers 
 Than « Mary» hail !*' or a host of Paters ! 
 
 They were sharp lads ally 
 
 Both great and small, 
 And little they cared about earthly means : 
 The end excused them — the Church's gains, — 
 And» far and wide, they would meih to see 
 The spread of their arch-apostacie. 
 
 Two and two, 
 
 With jowls so blue. 
 And mighty lon^ " Traceys ** down to the shoe, 
 
 Here and there, 
 
 A Jesuit pair 
 Would poke in their noses for something to do I 
 
 5e. 
 
 Now, the Pope of that day was a liberal man. 
 And at first he spoke light of the Jesuit plan : 
 
 Their dream of «« Theocracy," 
 
 He called hypocrisy ! 
 
 But vipers will bite. 
 
 And turn in spite; 
 And so they did now on this poor old man, — 
 
 Who, dressed in plush breeches, 
 
 That needed some stitchee 
 
 (The seat of the beast 
 
 Was naked, at least), 
 An old drab coat and a powdered wig, 
 He took to his heels in this saintly rig. 
 But a Pope out of Rome was like fish out of water. 
 
 ■f 
 
mmm 
 
 So he called in the aid of his « eldest dauglitei ; " 
 
 Who, like Charles the Bold> 
 
 In days of old, ^ 
 
 Without any pity 
 
 Did pummel the city ! 
 Nobly the Jesuits' game was won, ^ 
 
 And the Pope was brought back on a thundering gun: 
 Though trumpets sound and banners wave, 
 The Pope was the Jesuits* abject slave ! 
 
 ? 
 
 Now, just at that time, that heretic Queen 
 Whose Empire ne'er yet without daylight has been,^ 
 Had some humbugging servants, who cared not a pin, 
 So they were the lick-pans and scraped up tne tm, 
 And when rather mellow. 
 Would be the hail fellow 
 Of Satan himself, if heM lend them a hand. 
 And, their net to get fish in. 
 Would send to perdition 
 All that was greatest and best in the land,— 
 They'd league with the devil 
 Himself, and do civil. 
 By kissing the toe 
 Of *he Pope, you must know, — 
 And forthwith they sent off a Lord Plenipo. I 
 Now, the Pope, when he saw him, could hardly believe 
 His eyes, as he chuckled and laughed in his sleeve : 
 « Oh, ho ! " thought the Pope, « that fair land is my own, 
 And Scriptural truth from the world's now flown ! " 
 
And a happier man 'iieath St Peter's dome 
 Was not Co be found thaa tlte Pope of Rome. 
 In visions of fancy he revelled all day, 
 Dreaming Great Britain acknowledged his sway; 
 And, mighty romantic, 
 AtToss the Atlantic, 
 The shade of his mitre was far, far away. 
 « This Empire so wide 
 " Let us now divide," 
 Sard the Pope to the Cardinals by his side : 
 " Let magistri artibus, 
 " Bishops in partihus^ 
 *• And Vicars- Apostolic, henceforth end I 
 ** Instead of such nondescripfs, now we'll send 
 •» A Cardinal Lord Archbishop, or two, 
 " With many a holy friar true,— 
 " Bishops and Priests and Friars, a band, 
 " My coffers to fill with the fat of the land I 
 « First, let Johnny Crapeaud 
 '* Immediately go 
 "To Toronto, as Bishop; while Nicholas Wiseman 
 « Shall bleed the poor Cockneys, as Popish exciseman i 
 ••That heretic Queen f let him thunder against her, 
 •• As Cardinal Lord Archbishop of Westminster." 
 
 
 Now, Johnny Crapeaud was the broth of a boy, 
 And the words of His Holiness filled htm with joy ; 
 Forthwith on his mission he hurried away. 
 
 I- 
 
p^"«^ 
 
 But he picked up some *' tin " before crossirj: the '* say.'* 
 But, arrived in Toronto* 
 He found such a want o* 
 Liege subjects^ he really had nothing to do. 
 But presently there, 
 By the Lord Bishop's chair, 
 To earwig the Bishop, two Jesuits were neaf : 
 One was Telliar, so well known to fiame; 
 The other was Esau McBriarson by name. 
 This last kept a scho' 
 And the pedagogue 
 On his marrowbones fell to H :»» they say. 
 
 And cried— " Boys a 
 "Composing my classes^ 
 « Rest assured, to your I>ordslnp III bring: them some day I 
 «« Be not uneasy,— no longer look blue,— ^^ 
 
 « With the help of your slave, youMl have plenty to do ! 
 Now, just at that clay, 
 As Tve heard people say. 
 The youngsters were docked of their holiday play, 
 And a cargo of brooms 
 Had arrived for the rooms. 
 Where notions, not boys, were taught shooting each day ; 
 And Esau McBriarson oft raised a screech, 
 By a close application of birch to the breech. 
 But Johnny Crapeaud thought thaf no one but he 
 Entrusted with boys* education should be : 
 The masters he threatened; and asked the Trustees 
 To give him three schools, just to treat as he'd please; 
 But they snubbed the Lord Bishop, and ^'pished'* at his letter, 
 Igmramusses all !— they knew nothing better f 
 
 I- 
 
Our little Jack Tteg 
 
 Was sipping hid gfo^$ 
 Or may be a giass of whiskey todf(V| 
 
 When Esau rushed In 
 
 With the deuce of a din, 
 And Telliar close at his heels in the lobby ; 
 
 Then, suddenly kneeling. 
 
 And sneakingly feeling 
 Their way from the door, with their eyes to the ceiling; 
 
 When Esau, more bold, 
 
 The news did unfold. 
 The Bishop looked round, with a gaze of surprise, 
 And the toddy reflected the whites of his eyes — 
 (Now some say his eyes reflected the toddy; 
 
 But whether 'twas so. 
 
 Or whether *twas not, 
 So far as my legend, I care not a jot) — 
 His Lordship, amazed, for ten minutes ne'er spoke ; 
 When he thought on their tale, he exclaimed, »*Ti8 a joke f 
 **They dare not," said he, "my behest to deny: 
 «• rU write them again, and demand a reply.** 
 
 For pen, ink and paper. 
 
 He called, and a wafer, 
 And he sent off" the glasses as well as the plates; 
 And he took up the poker, and cleared out the grates; 
 And, having got rid of the emptied can, 
 His Lordship his letter thus began : 
 
 •• Ven me ask de tree schools, 
 
 " In de teeth of your rules, 
 
 1 
 
 k 
 
It 
 
 ^mamhnte -be de law,** !ie exclaimecJ with a sl-.out, 
 
 That brought from the ceiling 
 So».ifc symptoms of feeling, 
 WliiUt echoed the walls this Episcopal rout. 
 But the Board, xi you please, 
 Seemed «uite at their ease, 
 And Johnny Crapeaud 
 Soon saw 'twas »* no go ! " 
 So he cursed them at board— he cursed tliem i ' toec — 
 And every evil called on their head ; 
 He cursed them eating as well as drinking; 
 He cursed them sleeping, WaKing, winking ; 
 He bid them dream of the devil at night, 
 And prayed they might wake in a terrible fright ; 
 To these, he added many things worse s 
 In truth, it was a terrible curse ! 
 Then he raised his eyes, 
 With a look of surprise, 
 
 For no body seemed one copper the worse ! 
 
 Now, whether "The Chair" was moved by the curse, 
 Or shook at his knees, 
 Or dreaded to sneeze, 
 My muse does not say ; but Tve he-rd people tell 
 He threw him a sign. 
 Which I cannot divine, 
 But must leave that to some « Worshipful Deputy Grand," 
 I can only-describe what he did with his hand : 
 The left hand he put out— the fingers he spread— 
 The tip of his right little finger he led 
 To the thumb of the other, 
 And raising its brother 
 
 ^ 
 
To the side of his nose, he just said, " Ho ! Ho ! " 
 
 <* Don't you wish you may get it? my Johnny Crapeaud." 
 
 This magical sign as a talisman served^ 
 
 And Johnny Crapeaud was completely unnerved. 
 
 Like dog caught in larder, he uttered a roar, 
 
 And, tail twixt his legs, he rushed to the door, — 
 
 Bell, book, and candle, near leaving behind : 
 
 1 he last, by ill luck, was blown out by the wind. 
 
 How the quarrel might go, 'twere not easy to tell, 
 But he took the back door, a^ he rushed in the dark, 
 
 And the steps being gone, to the bottom he fell ; 
 And thus he got rid of " the vital spark.'* 
 
 xm, 
 
 'Twere well it was so, 
 For a terrible blow 
 
 Now fell on the Pope ! 
 As much would have more, 
 John Bull closed the door, 
 And the ill-gotten wealth 
 Of the Jesuit brothers, 
 For the good of their health, 
 
 Was given to others ; 
 Chapels and lands 
 
 They quickly changed hands ; [reme-ked it, 
 
 And the grounds round St. Michael's- -no doubt yoa have 
 Were turned at once to a New Central Market ! 
 
 „Ik. 
 
 i 
 
 ^ 
 
^f^ 
 
 ** Me vished it to be tm juste milieu payment* 
 " Accepted from you, 
 « As de bit of mo7i due. 
 "Your conduct, therefore, JHntend wid ainaremcntj 
 <* I vraiment foresee 
 « Inconvenient 'twill be, 
 «« And as tree you vont give, me vill take from you seven ! 
 « De law a la lettre, 
 " I read beaucoup better i 
 «** Description ' and *kind* 
 «* Means * what's to my mind.' 
 ««/c vous demande seven ; de same you must give ; 
 " If no, den repent — aussi longe que vous live ! 
 «' Your mauvais instrudeurs, I'll pack them all home, 
 "And put en leur place des jolies garcons, 
 ** Celibitaires all, 
 " Both great and small ; * 
 <* And as for de mounaiet Je payerai mon mime^ 
 " And soon you will see 
 Que brusque ve vill be ; 
 « Wid the Pope a mon dos and his bull by my side, 
 " To carry my point, au diable me vould ride ! " 
 
 Then he signed it "Johnny Crapeaud, 
 " El5e Lord Bishop of Toronto." 
 
 He closed it up in a sheet of pink. 
 And superscribed it in deep blue ink ; 
 Then sent for his page, and bid him call 
 
 Ik 
 
10 
 
 With this modest request at the City Hall. 
 
 So he got in a sleigh, 
 
 And trotted away. 
 But the nice little page, 
 Though sharp for his age, 
 Never once dreamt they would do such a thing 
 As into the fire the letter to fling ! 
 But such was its fate; and exit the page, 
 Banging the door in a terrible rage, 
 And homeward he hastened, his tale to tell. 
 "M)» Dieu!" ''Sucre Uieuf' then slowly fell 
 From Johnny Crapeaud ; who, with dignified look, 
 Now called for his candle, his bell, and his book : 
 ' I'll crush this rebellion, — I'll go to the Hall, — 
 " I'll have what I ask for, or curse them all ! '* 
 
 -.4 
 
 Now, the curse of a priest, as the poets sing, ' 
 
 Was in days of yore a terrible thing ; 
 
 If in tender compassion the fair sex were spared. 
 
 The weight of their vengeance aye fell on their " laird ! 
 
 And oh ! I am told, 'twas a terrible sight 
 
 To see how the horns could grow, in a night, 
 
 From the brows of the husband on whom this' curse fell, 
 
 And left him a prey to the torments of hell ! 
 
 » 
 
 X. 
 
 The Board still assembled ; 
 The Bishop came in ;