\ liJ '^' 140 .S E7 V.^ " H OCJU D TO BE H^ppy r' BY F. C. EJVIBEI^SOH, J. P., AND ©. /ih. lb. .,•■11 ■ . Ill 1 . • • ' , ..11;,, I ;i* WITNESS PRINT Th« Witness is t^i« bent beeause the purest Family paper in the ujorld 3-^ Pibliotbequei^ationalf tin d^uebec • • • • • » . • •« ..:*./.•.••••* • • • « » * • ••• ..:♦.• : I • • • • • » • • • • • *. . • • • • • • Rerum undique compilatarum clamosus vendiiator. Donaldson. Ego apis Matinee more ?nodoque, Per labor em plurimum, Operosa parvus [i.e. pedes V altiisf] C ar mi fia jingo. OR fin tlic -irniuuular : Fi..i U.uo.n-maker.-" I discussed religion with them in the dog-watch, runabout the deck barefoot with them but one happy live long day on board H.M.S. " Canada." None that had seen their movements, their look, their fearless discourse and bearing, combined with the tender- est and most gentlemanly courtesy to a stranger and to the weak, could have doubted that every man Jack Tar of them would have died to a man as did the 300 Spartans at Thermopylae. Their mates have actually done so. For, one night, an echo of the Voice spake in the words of the hearty British cheer, " Hip, hip, hurrah! and three times three.'' It was on the wreck of the " Amphion." The shipwrecked tars knew the hull was bound to sink. And the sea was high, and it was hard to take off even a few at a time to the rescuing steamer in the offing. And they carefully helped the weak, in the order of their weakness, into the boats. And each knew that his own chance grew less as each boat-load left. And each drew back rather than pushed forward to be taken off. And night fell. And the wreck was invisible on the waters, and there was no more hope. And suddenly the hulk trembled like a guilty thing, and they knew that this meant Death. And then, out through the darkness rang three hearty British cheers. 27 Not a quivering note, not a tremor among them all. What I have of my mother in me comes to my eyes as I write these words. An(' they went down to be tossed with tangle and with shells in a glorious grave, to clasp hands again, I thank God, in a still more glorious eternity. O Jesus ! Jesus ! Thou who wert as fearless as they I How glorious to live in a world where such glorious deeds are done 1 And if we will but obey the Voice day by day in the smallest trifling acts of kindness and of love, the glorious chance of doing such a deed may come to you and to me. Let us then thank God and take courage. God can give happiness without the means of happiness. The Jesuit father, last or his race in Spain, who rebuked sins in high places, was honored by sharing the fate of Him who was " Treated as Unjust, because most Just." Placed in prison in the top story, " beneath the leads^' severed from every friend, he was handed one day a book filled with such unholy words ar. his soul would most abhor. This book had been published, under his name and as if written by him, by the regent of Spain. Whether it stung him or not none on earth shall know. And he is tried in his absence for having written this book and tor other uncommitted crimes, and he is condemned to death, and the hour of his deliverance draweth nigh. And, lo ! he comes forth to die, and it seems as if his very lack of food and his bodily pain had but knit his attenuated frame to gaunt healthiness and most sinewy vigor. And on his face was a glory as of that of Moses when he came down from the Mount , the glory, a faint hush of which is ever on every face which cometh forth from the secret place where it hath talked with God. With that ineffable Joy still on every noble feature, the head was severed from the body by the axe of "a most Christian king." ♦ 3|( « )|c iK * Be much in the society of thy best friend. 28 CHAPTER IV. DO TRY A SEVERE COURSE OK HUMOR. '' If a keen sense of the ridiculous," says De Quincey, *' is to be our chief enjoy- ment in the next world, it were well to cultivate it in this." Laughter seems to come from the phosphate-di -tegrating current of blood in the brain, darting from one thought molecule to another by two distinct chains of association (as in a pun), or to second thought entirely out of harmony with the first (or with any generally pr > conceived idea), as when we see a dignified man tumble down kerflop. Whatever laughter may be, it is a potent factor in health, character and digestion. Through a keen sense of the ridiculous Lincoln was able to bear the responsibilities of the Uncivil War in the dis-United States. Sir Thomas Moore, who jested on the scaf- fold — Bacon, " who could never forbear a jest," as is shown by these plays of his, which since have been published under the name of Shakespeare, the second rale actor — St. Chrysostom, who slept with Aristophanes under his pillow — Whately, who cried, "Be serious, boys, here conies a fool," — were all as laughter-fearless as they were God- feat ing. A very fair yard measure or graduated gauge of the heartiness and wholesome - ness of a man's character is the distance down his body to which he can laugh. A rogue who knows he is a rogue cannot laugh at all. Carker and his prototypes can only grin like a dog and show their unfeline teeth. Let no such men be trusted. Some laugh right down to their knees ; " their knees feel untied beneath them," as Homer says. The late Judge Ramsay, O.M.H., and others I have known could laugh down to their very toes. True whole-souled Pantagruelians and jolly good fellows were they ; with kindly trustworthy loyal eyes — in which were also, on occa- sion, tears, the tears of laughter, tears of sympathy, and tears which Joy, perplext for utterance, stole, from her sister Sorrow. There is even an element of the comic, yea, of the broadly comic, in Nature. Wit- ness, with tail unfolded, the Simius Erythropyrgus, the faces of many baboons, the ludicrous shape and mock grey hairs of some of the cactuses and certain habitb in the parrot, the dog, and of the thirteenth sucking pig, "which when there are only twelve 29 teats sucks vigorously at the tail." I say nothing of the history of Nature's last work — man, "the laughing animal," as he has been logically defined to be ; though obser- vers are mistaken if they have not seen a grin in the eye of other animals at the comic discomfiture of a foe. The sense of humor should be deliberately and vigorously developed in our schools. We should have more comic pieces in our school readers. The School Readers of a nation, as a means of influencing the national character and proclivities, have been hitherto most strangely overlooked. To DEVELOP THE SENSE OF HuMOR, go in for a scvcrc study of it ? Read the great humorists of the past, and learn their tid-bits by heart. Their names in order of merit will be found in the chapter about books. Try to see all your troubles in a comic light, as H. A. Kenned;' helped our soldiers to do in the Riel rebellion. Make to yourselves puns and repartees at every turn, but do not say aloud more than one in ten, and let those be your kindliest rather than your best. TO B PHUNNIE IS A DUTY. If we were given the power of laughing we wore certainly meant to develop it. If we were meant to live we were certainly meant to be healthy, for health conserves life. As health tends to laughter so laughter tends to health. " 'Tis mirth that fills the veins with blood More than wine or sleep or food." And well may we with Talleyrand find nonsense singularly refreshing. ;^o PRELUSIVE DROPS. « We'll tak' a drap." The public are respectfully warned against press notices and reviews of this book which appear in the Province of Quebec. They are either written by the author himself or his warmest personal friends. |^"People, they say, never — " well, hardly ever " — read a preface at the begin- ning of a book, so I have stuck mine in the middle. This tome is full of concealed jokes and mistakes made on purpose. When dear old Dr. Routh, principal, in my time, of Magdalen Hall, Oxford, lay a-dying, it is said that one of his favorite disciples round his death-bed asked : " What last golden sentence, Father, can you leave us as most sovereign to guide us through life. The Divine mused awhile, then grew suddenly weaker, and (as the disciple leaned over his bed to catch the words as they painfully fell, one by one, from the lips of the dying theologian) gasped : — " Always — verify — a quotation.'* And his spirit fled. No time which could otherwise be more profitably spent in beer and skittles has been wasted in verifying quotations for this volume. They have been corrected often to suit the author's purpose, a practice for which we have very high authority. The grammatical figure used throughout this work is what the Greek call the " SCHEMA PROS TO SEEMAINOMENON," which, being translated, is " make your meaning plain and as to grammar letter b and letter rip." There can therefore be no mistakes in grammar. The spelling is occasionally phonetic and go as u pleese. This has savd much wear and tear of his energi, and (in re ding proof) is i's (as the Harrow boy spelt *' his eyes"). It is rood to korrect aniwuns speling much mor a poor kompositors hoo ma not hav had the sam advantajes of edukation as yoorself. In High Wycombe churchyard there is said to be a Jew's tombstone with a Hebrew inscription. Some one passing through it with my friend, Mr. Payne of Mer- ton College, Oxford, said to him : ** As you seem to know everything, will u trans- late this for me? " " No ! " said he ; " but if you like I'll get my violin and play it for you." So much for Hebrew. Hebrew and Spanish, throughout this book, are written upside down (the way my friend Dr. Howe plays Wagner's music). Latin is printed within inverted commas ; German in old English type ; French in italics ; and Greek in capitals, — which is a capital arrangement. 31 This book is the best book ever written, or that will be written ; the brightest and liveliest, most witty and astonishing. It is price-less and in-valuable. But it can't hold a candle to my other book, " The Secrets of Joy," which is now almost ready for the printer. Order it of the author. This book, " The Secrets of Joy," is to contain a chapter entitled " Random Hints for Happiness." Can any one, will any of his old friends, send the author any Ran dom Hints they may happen to think of. In honor of my friend Mr. G. B. Baker, M.P., of Sweetsburg— said once to be the only honest Baker at Ottawa — all the dozens in this book are bakers' dozens. As to copyright, it is, if not most unchristian, at any rate most unapostolic. Fancy St. Paul copyrighting his letters. He says, " Every writing (' pasa grafee * not ' pasai'ai qrafai ') is given by inspiration of God." Shelley arrived independently at the same conclusion. Now, how can a man, worth calling a man, restrict the cir- culation of thoughts, doubtless inspired by the Source of All Light, however impaired by the human tongue through which they are uttered ? Nothing would please me better than to see someone print a 34 cent edition of this little book . A penny edi- tion would put me in ecstasies and raise my head to the stars ; and to see my booklet turned into Arabic, as Moore saw his Lalla Rookh, and as their author did the Arabian Nights, would elevate me to the constellations. I can earn a living, as St. Paul and Yorrick did, by my trade, and thank everyone who helps to send my brain bantlings, my works, pastime, joy and recreation, broadcast through the world. Would only they were worthy of it. If really good, a magazine would pay me for first right to them. Copyright is a nuisance, and a tax on books is a barbarism. Copy and mail the following words to F. C. Emberson, in care of Witness office, 323 St. James St., Montreal : — Dear Sir : — Please add my name to the list of those who promise to oppose the election of any man for M.P. who will not give his pledge to bestir himself: — 1. To abolish all copyright law in Canada (so that we have may the best books all over the world at cost price). 2. To get the duty taken off all books (that is, off all light and learning) coming to us from the other hemisphere, I am, etc. The names in the headings of the chapters. Chap. I. — Saul; Chap. II. — Paul, etc., are the names of the chaps from whom the leading idea of each chapter is taken. chaptb:r. v. mi i^ mitii MATHEMATICAL PROOF THAT THERE IS NO PAIN IN THE WORM). '• Since all is surely well with Thee, It cannot well be ill with me. " It is impossible to prove the existence or goodness of God. It is impossible to prove the law of Gravitation. But if we assume the truth of gravitation, a flood of light streams upon the movements, not only of the stars, but of every atom of matter in the world. Assume the utter goodness of God, and a stream of light and sunshine flows upon the daily lives, not only of ourselves, but of all dear to us. Even our past sins — yea, our ** sins of will," — says Tennyson — are all working for good. And Fred. R. Robertson, perhaps the best authority in ^' world, seems to agree with him. As \.o future sins, there is no man who can use these reflections, but would liefer, infinitely liefer, suffer anything rather than commit a single sin, if he could help it. As to the prevalence of pain being any argument against the goodness of God, there are two reflections to be made. This is the first. As flatulence is a warning that we are eating too much, so pain is, mostly, a warning, given in pure love, that we are breaking one of God's laws, and must not do so again. It is left to us, to puzzle and find out which law. And the enquiry will guide us eventually into a self-taught knowledge of His Laws — /. ^., into one of the greatest blessings conceivable — a blessing far more '* blessed" than mere, animal happiness. The law which the clergy — who, from having every inducement to be good, are probably the best body of men among us — the law which the clergy seem to break is this : — " Every man is intended to have one or two hours at least of utter and entire change of scene and occupation every day." Laboring men should have an hour's reading and study, to keep them above the level of the unlearned pig ; and a profes sional man should have two hours of gardening, horse riding, botanizing, Turkish or Roman bath, and so forth, to prevent him from becoming a hide-bound smug, to put 33 a new edge to the mental faculties, and give a fresh zest of enjoyment to mind and body. This will prevent the (silly because needless) pale face, drooping shoulders, slouching gate and jaded look so common among bartenders and our wealthier mer- chants and feebler strain of clergy. Most of our leading statesmen of advanced age have, like Samuel VVilberforce (the saponaceous), taken violent exercise up to the last. •^ 'T> V 5(C The second fact in regard to pain is one proved mathematically, and therefore rigidly, by the Differential Calculus. In the Calculus, finite quantities are sometimes found added to, or factors of Infinities. In that case, if we regard them as existing ; — dead lock ! I ! we can go no further. But directly we treat them as utterly noji-existing, we obtain certain most interesting results, and these results are actually, in experience, found to be true, and some of them are of the greatest utility. So then the pains of this world, compared with the Infinities of Eternity, are, mathematically, non-existing. They are as the dust in the balance not to be taken as of any account, and •' Our noisy years seem moments in the being Of the eternal silence." Not that this is much consolation to a man with a bellyache, or to one who suffers from what Burns calls " that most distressing form oi bodily ailment called melancholy or depression. " Consolation or not, all this is true. As to mere physical pain, there is to the unemasculated man a sort of stern ecstasy of pleasure in bearing it in a good cause. Every English schoolboy worthy of the name knows this, to some extent, by experience, and every reader of Tom Brovm's School Days by sympathy. There must have been some of this pleasure felt by Cartier, Champlain and Helen Champlain, Dollard, Breboeuf, — men that may well make one proud to be a Canadian. Indian children play the game of holding red hot coals in their hand to see who can hold the longest and be most burnt. They seem to enjoy it. The noble tars on board H.M.S. "Canada" told me that when they played "horse" they were not allowed to protect their ears and face by holding their hands over them, as sailors were allowed to do in the (therefore inferior) merchant service. The game of " horse " consists in being blindfolded and pounded, struck and slapped as hard as the others can pound, strike or slap you, until you can guess who it is that gives the blow. An English lawyer once said to me : ** I have been so jolly the last fortnight. Last Tuesday week I played football, and I have not played it for so long that I've been black and blue all over, and so stiff that I can hardly move. It's so jolly, it reminds me of the good old times after a * Winchester hot.' " 34 I once saw my schoolfellow — dear old Johnnie Lump, wilt thou see these lines in thy peaceful rectory? — play singlestick with the architect of Felstead Grammar School. The fun consisted in raining down blows with a thumb-thick hazel stick on one another's heads and bodies. They seemed to enjoy it, while it half sickened me, and I walked away. And does not the great Master speak of " the stern delight of battle with one's peers," and in a Homeric battle the hurts were given by sword and dart, and not merely by fist and single stick. The happiest week in my life was passed at Sher- brooke, and I had a bad headache|the whole sennight. But there seems to be in human nature even a strange love or fetish-worship of pain for pain's sake. From this come doubtless the self-inflicted tortures of Fakirs, Sun-dancers, some Roman Catholics, Head-flatteners, Lip-flappers, Devil's Tatoo- ers, and those over-strtct Sabbatarians who pull down the house-blinds, go the least pleasant way to church, and forbid sacred music on Sunday, God's blesssed day of joy, on which day more than any other we should commune with Him by the three Divinest pleasures he has given us, — these of the intellect, the eye, and the ear. An old church \n Madrid is famous for curious vespers held once a year in its crypt. While an earnest sermon, calling to repentance and penance, is being preached, Acolytes hand round baskets of " disciplines " or whips. Each worshipper chooses one to suit his fancy or remorse. The lights are then put out. Then the penitents strip to their waists and lash away to their heart's content in the daik. It is possible, such are the contradictions of human '^ature, that some of them "have a pretty good time." Many no doubt are sincere enough, like the well-known Irish priest, who exclaimed, '* Won't it be a sell for us in the next world if we find our penances were all no use in this ? " A certain amount of bodily discomfort may well remind us of a fault against which we wish to be on constant watch till it is cured. A cent, set aside every time we commit it, to be given away in charity, is a better cure. It is an exploded delusion to hope to merit Heaven by making earth a hell. Let us assume then, once for all, that everything is working mysteriously for the best. Let us assume then that our misfortunes are after all only" blessings in disguise," confoundedly successful the disguise sometimes is. Then remorse, regrets, complaints, anxiety and grumbling at once drop out of life, as I have personally, for long spells together, found to be most charmingly and actually the case. I once asked a little, wizened, old, Roman Catholic, ex-missionary priest, relegated to a lunatic asylum because he had quarrelled with his bishop— one of the cleverest men I ever knew — this question : " How do you prove that God is good ? I once intended to write a poem bringing in the proofs, and could find none except the exis- tence of flowers." 35 He mused for a while, chin on hand, crouching over the fire, and then said : — "Well ! the pluckiest saints have said they were quite sure God was good because he had licked them so hard, and their lickings had done them so much good." * * * * And, after all, as the Sherbrooke Gazette once wrote or quoted: — lor txtx^ tx{\ \xUtx X)xt %m iUere \% a cuu or th^r^ [% none. $t there [% one— try and tind it, i\ there (isn't— never inintr it. The world is what we make it. A plucky English parson had an exceedingly vigorous toothache. He bethought himself of the expedient pf preaching an exceed- ingly vigorous sermon. And while he was preaching it he never felt the toothache. If we can but treat our pains and troubles as simply non-existent, they practically cease to be. Wouldst drink of the Fountain of Youth, so rightly placed in this glorious clime. Wouldst die young ? Then act as if you tvere young. Dance,loaf, run, leap, gymnas- ticize, cultivate the society of the young, that youthful, loving hands may close thy eyes. Then every muscle of body and mind will remain more or less lithesome as in youth, and when death comes in thii.e old age, thou wilt be able to say with the mother of Bias and Cliton : " Do not those whom the gods love die young ? " 36 CHAT'TER VI. gl ireek of »mn Joy$. On the Sun's day, stay a while longer in bed to think over God's goodness during the past, and to make resolutions for the coming week, and then say aloud :— 1 792-1 866. There are in this loud stunning tide Of human care and crime. With whom the melodies abide Of the everlasting chime ; ho carry music in their heart Through dusty lane and wrangling mart, Plying their daily task with busier feet, Because their inward souls a holy strain repeat, Dimanche, the French word for Sunday, would seem to be derived from Dis " twice," and "manger " to eat, because people eat twice as much food on that day as on any other. On Sunday it is at least as well to entirely change the hours and nature of your food. Having a cold uncut joint instead of hot meat, and fruit in lieu of pudding, will effect this, and give a most grateful rest to your handmaidens. In every house where it is tried it seems to be followed by a blessing. On Sunday, too, for the sake of an entire change, which is so potent for rest and recreation, it may be well to discontinue your self-examination at noon and the read- ing of your daily portion. For no other day in the week should pass without reading a portion, however small, of The Book, of Shakespeare, Tennyson's In Mem- oriam, or some other of the " Fifty best Books on Earth." This is necessary to keep us up to the tone of the Best Society in the World. The Bible should often be read 37 in a foreign tongue, both as the best way to learn that lang jage (knowing the " crib" by heart), and that we may be forced to enquire into the meaning of what we read, for otherwise the meaning of the Bible is apt to glide off the mind like watev off a duck's back. In the evening let thy home circle close round the embers for Evensong, and read them one of Fred. R. Robertson's matchless sermons. My friend — a select preacher at Whitehall — in his old age, dared not read them because they kept him awake. And the late principal of Lennoxville College, the Rev. J. Lobley, said they were the only sermons in the world he cared to read ; some like also Jeremy Taylor and Wesley, but none are as good as Robertson. Go to bed some half hour earlier than on other days. MONDAY. Monday is the Moon's day^ dies Lunae the day sacred to Lovers and '' Monday- ish " parsons, who, resting not one day in seven, Sabbath breakers themselves, have ere now spent it in passing Sabbatarian Blue Laws. On this day learn the below most beautiful and instructive sonnet. It happened to be the last words dictated to me by my friend Dr. J. Fred. Stevenson, before he was found asleep in bed. One poorish word, ^^ heaven-path' d,^ i s my own, stop-gapping a hiatus in his memory. The rest is his. I promised him I would publish it without putting his name at the end of it, and I have done so. It is to me a tender coincidence that he, who was so soon to " Realise the Presence," should have next to his heart in death a delightful little book which I had lent him, — lent previously to me by my heart friend — " The Practice of (the realisation of) the Presence of God. " Huna. The shimmering moon outpours her lustre clear. Athwart a gauzy veil of snow-white mist; The heaven-path'd waters — all too coldly kissed. By her pale lips, speak murmuring on my ear ; — The Spirit of Great Nature, ever dear, Whispers of " Peace subsisting at the heart _ Of endless agitation," — and I start To feel the pulses of her voice so near ; — And what are we, dear child, who stand apart Looking before and after, but her peers — All nature drawn in little ; and the seers Of our own destiny, its joys and smart. Laugh then thy gayest laugh, weep gentle tears, But keep the unending peace thro' hopes and fears." Montreal. Feb. ist, 1890. 38 " And for the day's jest, healthily laughter-stir thy diaphragm, and in loving memory of Rabelais, who had to sully his memory in order to avoid being burnt alive, repeat his will: — ** I have nothing, I owe a great deal, and the rest I leave to the poor." And in the evening play cards or the game of *' A uthors," with thy children, and youths who otherwise might be worse employed ; " Cribbage," to teach Addition and Chances, and " Keep your Temper " (or " Grab ") to train them to courtesy, prompt- ness and coolness, FOR Tuesday's memoriter. Take this from the pen of the best broad-Scotch poet in Canada. A FLOWER. It cam' wi' a glint o' the scenes langsyne, Frae the hills that I ca' my ain ; An' the glens that aye wi' my dreams maun twine, In the howes o' my waukrife brain. Nae doubt 'twas a feckless thing to sen', But it thrilled my heart, forsooth ! Wi' a nameless joy that few can ken, That flow'r frae the hame o' my youth ' I hae look't on grander gems o' licht. An' fresher frae Nature's hand, But nane that were burden't wi' thocht mair bricht In the length or breadth o' the land ; For it brocht wi' its brinks o' dew-deck'd lea, An' its pearlins o' muirlan' truth, A kiss frae the mou' that I fain wad pree, — Sweet flow'r frae the hame o' my youth ! The smiling o' Fortune may e'en gang by, An' the lustre o' coronets wane. But Love, like a star in the gloamin' sky, Beams aft in the gloom alane. . An' tho' neath the blasts o' misfortune chill, The blossoms o' Hope may fa'» A Han' frae aboon has plan tit still A flow'r in the warld for a'. J. MACFARLANE. 39 " How do you pronounce the second day of the week Toosday or Tuesday ? " " 1 pronounce it Monday." In the evening have a little dance from 7.30 to 9.30, or an evening walk with Gall's Book about the Stars. ON woden's day with thoughts of his Walhalla, repeat or learn by heart TO THE SOUL. O lark aspire ! Aspire forever, in thy morning sky! — Forever soul, beat bravely, gladly, higher, And sing and sing that sadness is a lie. Forever, soul, achieve ! Droop not an instant into sloth and rest. Live in a changeless moment of the best, And lower heights to Heaven — forgotten — leave. Man still will strive. Delight of batt leaped within his sires. They laughed a ;ath ; and Life was all alive ; In him not blood it seeks, but vast desires. He wakens from a dream : Reviews the forms he fought in ages gone — He or his ancestors, their shapes are one : — And also of himself the forms he battled seem. He sees the truth ! *' I wrestled with myself, and rose to strength. Still be that progress mine ! — I see at length All World, all Soul are one, all ages youth ! " My Heart Friend. 40 In Wednesday's jest, remind thyself with what marvellous exactness Faith in God's utter goodness corresponds to the root stem and branches of a Happy Life ; — Hope to the iridescent blossom, Good Deeds to the Fruit. '^ Quid est fides ? " Quod non vides. " Quid est spes? '" Van a res ■' Quid est charitas ? " Magna raritas. " Say, what is faith ? " '• Thou'lt know in death." "Pray, what is Hope?" " A boundless scope, An endless rope," " And what true charity ? " " O ! mighty rarity ! ! " And learn also how by sowing the fruit, Good Actions, the root stem and bran- ches of Faith and the blossom of Hope, may be made in turn to grow as we see in the Natural World. This is well shown by Mrs, Charles' masterpiece, which proves how sometimes, as the Greek philosopher said, the half is greater than the whole. A striking confirmation of this most useful poem is the following fact : — A fatally wounded ofiicer lay down to die after one of the battles in the American Uncivil War of 1861-1865, which, by the way, would have been nipped in the bud in i860 but for my friend Mr. E. Masse, N.P. of this province. The officer's life-blood was ebbing fast. He heard a deserted baby cry. He staunched his wound, staggered to the child, and bore it and himself day after day, mile after mile, to Washington and safety. Mr. Masse prevented this war from being nipped in the bud by sending infor- mation to Charleston of the determination of the Northern Cabinet to arrest its sus- pected leaders. This determination became known to him thro his wife, who was told it by her bosom friend, the wife of Secretary Seward. One deciding cause of the war was probably the one bottle of whiskey, the sharing of which, at the meeting in which they decided on War, destroyed the natural reluctance of the leaders of the South to shed so much blood. 41 THE HALF IS GREATER THAN THE WHOLE. Is thy cruse of comfort falling, Rise and share it with another ; — And thro all the years of famine It shall serve thee and thy brotlier. Love Divin'^ will fill thy storehouse, Or thy handful still renew ; Scanty fare for one will often Make a royal feast for two. For the heart grows rich in giving, All its wealth is living grain, Seeds which mildew in the garner, Scattered, fill with gold the plain. Is thy burden hard and heavy Do thy steps drag wearily? Help to bear another's burden, God shall bear both it and thee. Num^ ' wc:' on the mountains ^ '' . thou sleep among the snow ? Chafe that frozen form b eside thee, Then shall both together glow. Art thou stricken in life's battle ? Many wounded round thee moan, — Lavish on their wounds thy balsam, And that balm shall heal thy own. Is thy heart a well left empty ? None but God its void can fill. Nothing but a ceaseless fountain Can its ceaseless longings still. Is thy heart a living power ? Self-entwined, its strength sinks low ; It can only live by loving. And by serving, love shall grow, 42 ON THURSDAY. MAUNday Thursday, die M \Ndati, the Day of the New (yet oldest) Command- ment, W'th. T'n L'flo'. St P. L. Arnold, Em p. Wm. Isaiah St. Aug. " LOVE ONE ANOTHER " LEARN;— A PRESENTMENT OF THE MIRROR OF LOVE. , €). p. m* HER HAPPY FACE. (ALFRED TO MRS. ARTHUR). A face where tender shadows Heet, Responsive to the passing mood, Sweet memories, promises more sweet, Nay, — certainties of endless good. A face that courts the wildest breeze. And woes the sun in summer hours, Lies checquered 'neath the flickering trees, And vies in tint with vermeil flowers. And as some little lakelet clear Reflects the sky's unmeasured whole, So Heaven's unnumbered charms appear All mirrored in this single soul. Wouldst thou have such a face ? then say Bright orisons at rise of sun, At evensong, recall and weigh Each deed the parting day has done. Cast out all fear and all desire. Fear God, fear nothing else beside ; Thy life-song, — " higher ! ever higher I " Like spray-snow on the vaulting tide. My darling, — sun thyself in GOD, His mother-comfortings^ His grace. His guidance, Voice, — His loving rod, — And enter Heaven with such a face. F. C. EMBERSON. 43 And for Thursday's jest make haste to laugh before thou art forced to cry at the true THOR'sday joke of the Pilgrim fathers who pilgrimed to Plymouth Rock, " because of the inalie.iable right of every man to worship God according to the dictates of his con science," and then, — burnt the Quakers because they did so. And in the evening, ];ractice acting some piece of Shakespeare with children and choicest friends, whereby mayhap thou mayst some day make some money for the pet charity of your household, without which, household charity is an empty name. FRIDAY. On this day of 4 great crimes, — Socrates, Bruno, Sir Thomas More and Christ, for Friday's jest take that Black Friday joke of A. D. 1776, — the saddest and blackest in the history of the world. " All men are born free and equal, except negroes." Stars and stripes — stripes for the negroes, and stars for what they see when tiiey get 'em. Mourn or laugh over this grimmest of jokes with Uncle Tom, with Harper, with Delia Webster, with Livingston, Cardinal Lavigerie, and all now trying to staunch ** the running sore of the world." And in ghastly, grinning contrast to the gloom of the day Black Friday, far more black, as it is, than Eobinson Crusoe's Man Friday, learn by heart the following, which is said to be " the funniest poem ever written," and therefore of course, written by a Scotchman. nt ginnuitg. One year I spent a week in Fife — An unco week it proved to be — For there I met a woesome wife Lamentin' her viduity. Her grief brak out sae fierce and fell, I thought her heart wad burst its shell ; And — ^ / icias sae left to mysef — I sold her an annuity. The bargain lookit fair enough — She just was turn'd o' sixty-three — I couldna guess she'd prove sae tough, By human ingenuity. But years have come, and years have gane, And there she's yet as hard's a stane — The limmer's growin' young again, Since she got her annuity. 44 She's crined awa to bone an' skin. But that it seems is nought to me. She's like to live — although she's in The last stage o' tenuity. She munches \vi' her wizen'd gums, An' stumps about on legs o' thrums, But comes — as sure as Christmas comes- To call for her annuity. I read the tables drawn wi' care For an Insurance Company ; Her chance o' life was stated there Wi' perfect perspicuity. But tables here or tables there, She's lived ten years beyond her share, And like to live a dozen mair, To ca' for her annuity. If there's a talk o' cholera Or typhus — wha sae sharp as she ! She buys up baths, an' drugs, an' a', In sica superfluity ! She doesna need, she's fever proof — The pest walk'd o'er her very roof — She told me so — an' then her hoof Held out for her annuity. One day she fell — her arm she brak — A compound fracture as could be — Nae Leech the cure would undertak, Whate'er was the gratuity. It's cured ! — She handles like a flail — She works as weel in bits as hale — But I'm a broken man mysel', Wi' her and her annuity. 45 Her bruisled flesh and broken bones Are well as flesh an' bones can be. She beats the toads that live in stones, An' fatten in vacuity ! They die when they're exposed to air — They carina thole the atmosphere — But her ! — expose hkr anywhere — She lives for her annuity. If mortal means could nick her thread, Sma' crime it wad apjicar to mc — Ca't murder — or ca't homicide — I'd justify't — an' do it tae, But how to kill a wither'd wife That's carved out o' the tree o' life — The wooden hussy dares the knife To settle her annuity. I'd try a shot — But whar's the mark ? — Her vital parts are hid frae me. Her back-bone wanders through her sark In an unkenn'd corkscrewity. She's palsified — an' shakes her head Sae fast about, ye canna see't — It's past the power o' steel or lead To settle her annuity. She might be drown'd ; — but go she'll not Within a mile o' loch or sea ; Or hang'd — if cord could grip a throat O' sican exiguity. It draws out like a telescope — It's fitter far to hang the rope, 'Twad take a dreadfu' length o' drop To settle that annuity. 46 Will poison do it? — JIush ! It's been tried, But, he it in hash or fricassee, That's just the dish she can't abide, Whatever kind o' taste it hac. It's needless to assail her doubts — She goes by instinct, — like the brutes, — An' only eats an' drinks what suits Herself and her annuity. The liible says the age o' man Threescore and ten had ought to be. She^s ninety-six I ! f — Let them who can Explain the incongruity ! She should ha' lived afore the flood — She comes o' Patriarchal blood — She's some auld Pagan mummified For nie and her annuity. She's been embalm'd inside and out — She's salted to the last degree — There's pickle in her very snout So vinegary and cruety. Lot's wife was fresh compared to her — They've Kyanized the useless cur — She canna decompose — nae mair Than her accursed annuity. The water drap wears out the rock As this eternal jaud wears me, I could withstand the single shock, But not the continuity. It's pay me here — an' pay me there — An' pay me, pay me, everymair — I'll gang demented wi' despair — With her, and her annuity. GEORGE OUTRAM. 47 ON SATURDAY. Take thy half holiday if thou die for it. And in the evening let all retire to the best of all company, — their own society or that of their best friend. And medi- tate on what thou shalt ask on the morrow. For if meditation without prayer is atheism, to pray without meditating on what thou shalt ask from thy King is insolence, or recklessness indeed. And in case thou hast not obeyed the Book's i)lain words, and hast run into the smallest debt, and therefore danger, during the past week, examine thyself by the words from the Clouds of St. Chrysostom's bed-fellow, and say, with the Subtlety-Shop- man, — " Have you a good memory? " Too which Old Late to learn replies — " Well, that depends. If any one owes me anything I've a capital memory ; but if I happen to be in debt, I am rather forgetful." And last of all on this day bethink thee of the loved ones gone away or gone before, and as thou composest thyself to sleep, say sot'tly the prettiest lines composed in Canada. GOOD NIGHT. Good Night ! God bless thee, Love, where'er thou art, And bear thee like an infant in his arms. And all good messengers, who move unseen By eye sii darkened, who on noiseless wings Carry good tidings to the doors of sleep, Touch all thy tears to pearls of heavenly joy. Oh ! I am very lonely missing thee, But, morning, noon and night, sweet memories Are nestling round thy name within my heart, Like summer birds in frozen wintry woods. " Good Night ! " " Good Night ! "—Oh, for the mutual word. Oh, for the loving pressure of thine hand, Oh, for the tender parting of thine eye. " Good Night ! God bless thee, love, where'er thou art, GOOD NIGHT." JOHN READE. 48 CHAPTER VII. HOW TO GROW FLOWERS IN CANADA. Gardening is the earliest, most profitable and the purest of human pleasures. The very wi^rfl? paradise means "garden." Man was created in a garden. In a garden will he be buried, for what is earth but God's own garden fair, and what is a churchyard but *' God's acre ? " Nor does anyone give himself a fair chance of being thoroughly and truly happy, unless he works for an hour or so a day in a pleas- aunce or at least, even, in a^window garden of his own. " 'Tis something to have a bit of land of one's own," says Juvenal ; '* and a flower pot full is better than none." Fruit, flowers and greens are never so delicious as when taken straight from garden-bed to mouth, flower-vase and cooking-pot. This proves that every man was meant to raise his own " garden sas," to all who believe in the truth of a Final Cause. In the immediate future, when the average family is two to the house, everyone will inherit his own house and garden, where he may hear the Voice of God in the cool of the day. And in no place can the still small voice be heard so sweetly and so clear. When the nine-hour day is secured, every man will have time to tend his own garden plot. And ere long all workers, rich and poor, workers with brain and work- ers with muscle, will clinch hands to secure the nine-hour day. When once tried, the eight-hour day, the culmination of civiHzation, will soon follow. The eight-hour day already works most successfully in Natal and elsewhere in South Africa, where civil- ization is so much farther advanced than among us. Let each reader of these words start, from this minute, to secure signatures to a pledge from employer and employed, to help, at least, the nine-hour day movement when the general demand comes for it. Then will be the time for an electric train or tramway round the island of Mon- treal and other suburbs, to drop every man at his own door. Then, if work be slack, a man can raise enough to feed himself and two or three little ones from his own freehold acre of land. 49 But even then it will be some drawback to the joy of gardening if nonp: of the seeds one sows come up. And this is often most ludicrously the case with seeds ordered after the receipt of a gorgeous catalogue from Munchausen & Co., and other houses in the United States. But your seeds can hardly help coming up most freely and delightfully, if bought from well established houses, and if you follow the i)lan described below. The A. B. C. of seed-raising is to know : — (A) The right kinds of seeds to sow; (B) The right place to buy them ; and (C) How to sow them. (A) A man who sowed quack grass in lieu of Timothy, because "It's a kind o' grass any how," would be looked upon as a lunatic. Somewhat as foolish is the man who sows any kind of grain, lettuce, onion, etc., that happens to be grown in his neighborhood, instead of writing to some responsible Canadian seedsman for the very best kind of each, and, if necessary, exchanging his own for it. Again, the seed bought of a seedsman is perfectly clean, whereas home rni^ed seed, not being sifted with the requisite numbers and sizes of fans, helps to perpetuate that national crop of weeds, whereby the farmers of Canada are losing some $2o,oco,- 000 at least a year. (B) The right place to buy your seeds is of some good Canadian house, which you can occasionally visit and praise, so as to keep them up to the mark. Remember that the colder climate always raises the stronger seeds. (C) The secret of seed-growing, although in some respects quite new, is stamped with the approval of authority so high as that of the Montreal Witness^ — the best because the purest family paper in the world. It is this : — Mix all your flower seeds together, except the very tallest, which should be sown in the background. Mix in with them a /////(? cress, mustard or radish. Sow the mixture in drills. Have two or more sowings, at intervals of a week or a fortnight apart, in April to May. If you uo not like to mix the seeds, and have better taste than nature, sow them separately along the drills. In preparing the soil, first cover your flower-beds, if possible, with four inches at least of manure, the older and more rotten the better, and some sand, coal-ash dust or saw-dust. Dig it in, spading the ground to a depth of 14 inches. Then, stretching a line to mark your drill, spade out (or trowel out) a little trench, underneath the line, about six inches deep and six inches wide. Fill this trenchlet with the best, rich, sifted, sandy, mellow soil you can get. Old hot-bed earth will do. Sow your seeds along this row of earth under the line which marks the drill. Mix them with some 50 ands if you wish to secure even sowing. Press the seeds well down wth a norrow strip of board, to firm the soil round the rootlets whn they start. This, so to speak, is indispensable. Then water freely. Lastly, cover the seeds very thinly with dry sand or fine soil. Seeds should be covered to the depth of seven times their diameter. Seven times the diameter of a sweet pea is about half an inch, and seven times the diameter of a portulaca seed is about seven times nothing, which is nothing; for 7 X o = o.— Q.E.D. In a few days the cress and rradishes will appear and mark the line along which the other seeds are to come up. You can then weed and mulch between the drills, fear- lessly, with spade, hoe and the shove (or Dutch) hoe. The most useful time to weed is before the cotyledons or seed-leaves of your flowers appear. Water freely, with water and manure-water in turns, along the middle of the spaces between the drills, and not over the seeds themselves. When your seeds are well started, transplant and thin out to a foot or more apart. As for your cress and radishes, they have fulfilled their object. Treat them as the converted Zulu did his superfluous wives, " Eat 'em." If a few plants of cress be allowed to grow to 6 inches high in a shady spot, you can cut and come again to them for salad the summer long. Those who cannot start their seed in hot-bed or window-box will do well to buy plants. 51 CHAPTER VIII. YOUR FIFTY BEST FRIENDS. It is very easy to prove what are the fifty best books in the world if you know how. I happen to know how, and can name them with an almost absolute and mathematical certainty. It is a mere problem of Maxima and Minima in the Differential Calculus. It can be worked out along 2 entirely different lines of proof, and the 50 answers will come out as nearly as possible the same along both lines. In my conceit Lubbock's list of the best 100 books in the world seems an almost child- ishly worked out one. The word best means goodest or most good. The fifty best books means the fifty most good books. A good thing is, as Aristotle most clearly explains, merely a thing which does its work well, or in a goodly way. In other words " goodness " is merely correlative to "work " or " function" — to use the more obscure, and therefore better, word wich Mr. Huxley, the goose-eater, learnedly and aristocratically substi- tutes for the honest old Saxon word, work. '* Divide et impera." Any step in knowledge if sufficiently divided or broken up becomes easy. Break up goodness or excellence into its component parts and what are the fifty best books in the world becomes evident almost at a glance. Assign " marks " (" points " as cattle judges call them) under different heads or items of excellence, as to a school boy's Examination papers, to all the books that have any chance of being among the best, and those which ought to rank the highest will come out plain enough. Among different heads of excellence wich wil bring a book among the fifty best let us name (r) One's general idea of their excellence, in order of merit. (2) Their Popularity, or, which are the most read. (3) Their antiquity as a proof of their Vitality. (4) Their power of making the reader nearer to God. (5) A Better, Wiser, Happier or more jolly man. Arrange candidate books in order of merit under these heads, mark them accord- ing to their ranks, add up the marks, and the best fifty books will not only come out all right, but do so in order of merit. 52 The 10 grandest, greatest and noblest books ever written : — The Book. A sumptuous Family Bible $6 oo ^f !^ H: ilfi Hi * 1. Bacon's Shakespeare i oo VEmberscn's Art of Teaching 60 2. " Love; the greatest thing in the World," by Drummond. 35 3. Fred. R. Robertson's Sermons 2 00 4. St. Francois de Salles' "Spiritual Letters" 45 5. Tennyson i 75 6. Farrar's " Seekers after God " i 75 7. Ruskin's " Ethics of the Dust " 50 8. Carlyle's " Heroes and Hero Worship " 60 9. Chapman's Homer, Morley's edition 35 10. The Imitation of Jesus Christ i 00 For these a scholar may substitute those below. A scholar is a man who knows, more or less, English, Greek, Latin, French, German, Euclid, and Algebra. THE scholar's ten BEST BOOKS. The Bible in English ^i, or Greek 25c., French or German 50c. " The Bible should be read, a portion every day, in these tongues simultaneously for mutual elu- cidation or for profit. H. Francis Bacon — Lord Verulam's " Plays of William Shakespeare," $1. Emberson's Art of Teaching. . 60c. HL Corpus Poetarum $5 40 VH. St. Francis de Salles $1 00 IV. Poetae Scenici Graeci 6 30 VIII. 'Totle's Ethics... 45 V. Tennyson i 75 IX. Plato's Republic 45 VI. Homer i 00 X. M. Antoninus and I suppose Epictetus and Seneca tho I have not red them. The prices are those, for the best Editions for a scholar's purpose as to me quoted by my friend Mr. W. Foster Brown of Montreal. 53 The lo most interesting books in the world : — The Bible, Revised Version $i oo 1. Darwin's Origin of Species 2 00 2. Drummond's Xatural Law in the Spiritual World.... 60 3. Paley's Natural Theology 90 4. Herodotus, Bohn's translation 1 00 5. The Spectator i 00 6. Gall's Names of the Stars 40 7. A Voyage round my Garden, by Alphonse Kerr i 00 8. Vignettes of Nature, by Grant Allan, 15c or 50 9. White's Natural History of Selbourne i 00 10. Macaulay's History 2 50 The 10 funniest and wittiest books extant : — 1. Swift I 50 2. Chs. Lamb i 75 3. Aristophanes (expurgated) 30 4. Moliere 3 00 5. Junius I 00 6. Pickwick i 60 7. Don Quixote 75 8. Gil Bias 75 9. Sheridan 30 10. Pascal's Provincial Letters 35 The 20 best novels in the world for Canadian readers : — 1. All Sorts and Conditions of 12. Jane Eyre 50c Men..... 25c 13. Fouque's Seasons 75c 2. David Copperfield 25c 14. Barchester Towers 25c 3. Westward Ho 15c 15. E. Ly ill's We Two 25c 4. Peter Simple 15c 16. John Halifax 25c 5. Eve Effingham 15c 17. Woman in White 25c 6. Arabian Nights 75c 18. Philistia, by Grant Allen 7. Caxtons 15c (Cecil Power), a Canadian.. 25c 8. David Elginbrod 25c 19. Young Seigneur, by Wilfrid 9. Guy Mannering T5C Chateauclair, a Canadian.... 50c 10. A Maid of Sker 25c 20. Looking Backward 25c 11. Vanity Fair 25c 54 Ten of the greatest poets : — A Handsome Edition in Cloth can he bought for one dollar each. Goldsmith. Wordsworth. Coleridge's Ancient Marmer. Covvper. Pope. Burns. Longfellow. Shelley. Milton or Palgrave's Golden Treasury Moore. Those who have children would doubtless wis to substitute some children's books for ten of the above. The 10 best books for children : — 1. Ministering Children $ 75 2. Pilgrim's Progress i 00 3. Water Babies i 00 4. Robinson Crusoe . 60 5. Swiss Family Robinson 60 6. Masterman Ready 60 7. Uncle Tom's Cabin 60 8. Tom Brown's School Days 50 Q. Book of Golden Deeds i 00 10. Hans Anderson 60c., or Grimm 60c., or both i 20 The 20 best novelists : — Besant $17 50 Dickens complete 2 00 or 5 00 C. Kingsley. Novels, sermons, etc. — best works. 35 00 Marryat's lobestnovels 2 00 Cooper s Works 10 00 Arabian Nights 75 BuUver's Works 8 40 McDonald's 4 best novels i 00 McDonald's works 33 00 Scott's novels 6 00 55 Thackeray, complete 8 oo The Bronte novels, 4 vols 4 00 Fouque's Seasons 75 TroUope's 4 best novels i 00 Edna Lyall's works, 6 vols 5 00 Young Seigneur. 50 Miss Muloch's 5 best novels i 00 .E. P. Roe's best novels i 00 There is an old riddle, " Why does a donkey prefer thistles to Gold? " and the answer is: — " Because he's an ass." Far wiser is the donkey, in this case, than the man who fails to buy these fifty books, or most of them, and by their frequent perusal to raise himself to the level of the ve-y ** Best Society in the World," — that of its greatest and joUiest thinkers in their wisest and joUiest moods. The donkey knows and does what is good for him, the man does not. Far more guilty and foolish is he who fails to provide his children with wholesome food for the mind. It is more important even than wholesome food for the body, A children's library is a first requisite in every household. For six dollars, as is shewn above, can be bought the ten best books ever written for children in the history of the world. A lively youth 7viU read something. Provide him with the best books (which luckily are also the cheapest), and you will not have yourself to blame if he degrades his mind, on the sly, with that injurious trash which has brought so many gray hairs down with sorrow to the grave. A kindly, pleasant-mannered fellow boarder of mine once stole his room-mate's little all, disappeared and has never been heard of since. His trunk was found full of detective stories, and novels about robberies and thefts. Teach your children to read, and they will love, the best Read, and you will love, the best yourself. You will then ha\e found out for yourself and them one of the greatest secrets of HOW TO BE HAPPY. 56 CHAPTER IX. THE AQUARUM. COMPILED liV THE V. REV. DEAN CARMICUAEL, D.D. " In hollows of the tide-worn reef Left at low water, glistening in the sun, — Pellucid pools and rocks in miniature, With their small fry of fishes, crusted shells, Rich mosses, tree-like seed weeds. Enchant the eye and tempt the eager hand To violate the fairy paradise." Quis? To one who has to spend much time indoors, one answer to the question " How to be Happy " is :— '' Keep an aquarium." Answers to the question, '• How to keep an aquarium ? " are as follows : — At the bottom place well-washed gravel and sand mixed with charcoal. The best kinds of water in order of merit are : — i, river ; 2, pond ; 3, rain ; and 4, tap-water. Never use well-water. To fill the tank, place the jug quietly in the centre, and pour water quietly into it till full. All plants should be put into their places before filling with water. Put plants requiring much earth into small flower-pots, and conceal them with mosses, etc , etc. Do not introduce animals till a fortnight after planting, and then gradually. Let the aspect be northern or 'eastern to avoid the sun. The higher the temper- ature the fewer the animals you can keep and the more impure the water. It should be between 40 ° and 60 ° Fahr. The best water plants are : — Vallisneria Spiralis — (Order, Hydrocharidece) male and female plants. Plant in small pots, in 4 inches of fine loam covered with gravel, cut off rusty leaves close to root. This is the best producer of Oxygen, Anacharis Alcinastrum, a Canadian plant (same order.) This hardy plant never dies if pruned of decaying branches. Tie a stone or piece of lead to end of spray, and sink. Prune freely, for it is a rapid grower. Mares Tail. — Hippuris Vulgaris (Order Haloragece). Plant in a pot of sand and loam well covered with and gravel. 57 Hornwort (Ceratophyllum demersum). This grows entirely under water. It flowers in July. Tie a small bit to a stone and sink it. Of Duckweed (Lemna) there are three kinds : — the Greater, the Less and the Ivy leaved. All are useful to shade the water. Of Vernal Starwort, or Water Cress ; break off 3 or 4 inches of healthy spray and let it float, RULES. I. Provide shade. 2. Do not let sun shine continuously on your Aquarium. 3. Keep few and small fish. When there are too many fish they swim tails down and noses on surface of water. 4. If you feed, feed regularly, and remove discarded food and dead fish at once. 5. Do not let water plants so grow as to interfere with the free movements of the fish. THE BEST FISHES ARE : — Minnow : — Splendid fish for an aquarium ; to catch them tie a piece of red clcth to centre of net to attract them. Stickleback : — Keep them in an aquarium of their own, leaving corners free for nest building. Will do with Bull Pouts (/. e., catfish) and Bass. Feed with tiny bits of worm and meat. Bass and Perch go well together in aquariums of their own. Feed with meat. Bull Pouts : — Leave them alone as a rule. If you feed, do so with bread and crumbs once a week. They go well with minnow and bass. Snails : — The univalves are best, such as the Planorbis, Cornues and the Lim- noea stagnalis, which are conwion in Canada. They keep down the confervoe, and lay eggs which feed the fish. Fresh water shrimps are good. They are found svith watercress or vernal starwort. Do not change the water too frequently. 58 CHAPTER X. HOW TO BE HAPPV — SURE POP. The way to be happy is very easy if you know how to find it. You will have to give up ten minutes to it. Not that you are likely to do so. You are probably too big a fool. It is this : — retire, every noontide to some quiet place, and there ask yourself this question : — What have I done during the last twentv-four hours to make myself or ANY ONE ELSE UNHAPPY? Then frame some brief rule to prevent your ever being so foolish again. God never meant you to be unhappy — why should you be so ? When you are unhappy it is because you have broken one of His rules. Enter this rule in a book kept for the purpose. Then say aloud this poem :— g^, gule$ wUifli wiU ^wnxt Jtappine.s^. Pray And Invincibly Good Humoured be. And cool Ahvay. Eat, sleep, retire from all away, At some fixed hour, by rule, And play (Two hours at least) Each day. Cast out all fear and all desire ; Nor even when jesting be a liar. Say nothing ill of old o- young ; And when you're angry hold your tongue. Walk, ride, bathe, sing, calisthenei; Don't owe a sixpence ; — rather die. Not e'en when jesting tell a lie. Seek bliss in blessing others here. And find it there In perfect love above. Rule XIX, — Never be in a room by night or day unless the window is open in it or in a room communicating with it. Rule XX.— Marry O- M. H. 59 CHAPTER XI. SCULPTURED OR INSCRIBED KHARAKTEERS. Man has been called " the only self-characterizing animal," i.e., animal which can mould or affect his own character. It is desirable for our happiness in life to be able to read, more or less, the characters of others. Dickens says that it is our own f:iult if we are deceived by a rascal. He says that Nature has stamped on his face, in char- acters plain for all to read, " I am a rascal. " But we wilfully shut our eyes, through desire to believe well of him, through affection, or because of the general repute he has in the world. Look a man in the eyes and you will see what he is. There is another clue TO READ CHARACTER. The well ascertained laws of the Four Temperaments supply mankind w ith one of the most scientific and yet simple means of finding out the characters and disposi- tions of their friends. An analysis of them will be found in the accompanying tables. By means of Table I., it is easy to find out to which of the Temperaments anyone's bodily characteristics belong, or to what extent two Temperaments are commingled in him. Then, with the help of Table H., you will be able to read off his mental quali- ties and his general character with astonishing accuracy, and down to the most minute detail. Perhaps the best way to show how to use these tables is by an example. Let us suppose that you want to find out the character of a certain man well known in public life in Montreal. Write down his name, Fabre, on a sheet of paper, and re - ferring to Table L, ask yourself; What is his " Body ? " On reading over the four different sets of epithets under the word " Body " in Table I., it will be generally agreed that the description " Fat, well-rounded, not strong, " applies to his person more than any other there given. In Body, therefore, he belongs to the *' Placid Temperament," and you must write the words " In Body P. " (P. standing for Placid), opposite his name. Then ask yourself " What is his height ? " Is it ''Tall," " Tallish," "'Average," or '' Small ? " CO The answer will be •' Tall or Tallish, " and you must add to his description the words ''Height, P. or S. " A f » Q P M Ir Si A M< c J" CHARACTERISTICS OF THK FOUR TEMPERAME Tab LB I 1. •J g B o < C/3 O > o CQ Body. Statubb. Fat. Well rounded. Not strong. With slow circulation of blood. Digestive organt large. Flesh, Tallish. Supple. Well-made Neither tliin nor fat. Heart and lungs large. Thin. Well-made. Always in inent. Brain large. Well-knit. Thin. Angular. V igorous. Brain comparatively large. Soft. Flabby. Cool. Clean-looking. Facb. Tall. Average . (Exceptions, gaunt.)' tall and Medium to Small. Firm. Plump. (Veins show hood.) Fat. Impassive. Calm. in child- Open. I Animated. Bright. Largish. Roundish. Cole Dry. Wrinkles early. Skin fine in youth. Hands veined and thin, Lean, Firm. Veins apparent. Thoughtful. Different at different hours. Skull bones thinly cov ered. Hatchet -faced. Somewhat haggard. Pinl Fres lRud> Fair" Palt Yell CHARACTERISTICS OF THE FOUR TEMPERAMENTS— THE BILIOUS, NERVOUS, SANGUINE AND PLACID. II. Q U o < (T. en O > o n Mind. Plodding. Not bright. Lini ted. Judgment reliable. Memory slow. Lively. Impatient. Prejudiced. Judgment rapid , Memory good. Imagination. Cold. Lively. Unbalanced. Quick. Penetrating. Meditative. Introspective. Subtle. Applies itself everything. Attention easily traded. to Brilliant. Teeming. Witty. Bizarre. Morbid, dis-j Fearful in children.) More genius than common sense. Judgment solid. Great. Powerful. TragicaL Gloomy. Rbsolvbs. Fbblincs. Slowly formed. Stubborn. Formed on motives of' expedience. Gentle. Not lively. In advanced life hard or peaceful . Promptly made. ' Lively. Promptly r a r r i c dl Impressible. out. Impulsive. Changeable withoutj Variable. reason. of Iriesolute from Ing both sides question. Firm, i.e., they vary only as circum- stances demand. see- Very lively. Precocious. Affectionate. Easily offended. Deep and tender. Inflexible. Vigorous. Deep but not tender. ViCBS. Sloth. Fondness for eating, drinking and smoking. Prejudice. Obstinacy. Selfishness. Self-indulgence. Inconstancy. Love of gossip. Vanity. Ostentation. Virtues. Calmness. Gentleness. Truthfulness. Guilelessness. Honesty. Patience. Faithfulness. Trustworthiness. Consistency, Steadiness. Generosity. Courage. Good-nature. Friendliness. Cheerfulness. Falsehood (t h r o u g h | Complaisance, thoughtlessness.) I Not vindictive. Touchiness. Suspiciousness. Insubordination. Discontent. Sarcasm. Treachery. Pride. Falsehood (through fear). Dignity. Tenderness. Gratitude. Konourableness, Endurance. Enthusiasm. Self-sacrifice. A good friend. Ambition. Egotism. Jealousy. I )efiance. Dissimulation. Irritability. Self-opinionatedness. Imperiousness, Courage. Perseverance. Endurance. Devotion, Industry. Magnanimity. Mannbrs. Seemingly sympa thetic. Wanting in tact. Quiet. Soothing, Unresponsive. Free. Lively. Kindly. Hearty, Sympathetic. ! Pleasant but siis I ceptible. I Need drawing out I and putting at I their ease. Silent. Abrupt. Characteristics. Dislike of mental and muscular exertion. Love of repose. Dislike of change. Coldness. Tenaciousness. Most steadily useful of all four. Trbatmbnt. Accustom them to constant occu pation and to eat only plain food, and that in very moderate quantities. Let them marry a person of the nervous tempera- ment . Likes muscular. dislikes mental exertion. Self-satisfaction. Love of travel, balls and change. Hopefulness. Weakest four. nt Utilise their generosity so as to get them to deny themselves in order to give to others. Warn them not to trust their first impressions. Warn them of coming falls and not to be thereby discora^ed. Tt ey .should have plain food and little ipt:il. ■ Health often deli-' Forbid novels .'ind what devel' caie. Melancholy. Sensitiveness, Love for innocent and varied amnse- inents. Love of praise. Impatience of mono- tony. Most brilliantly use- ful of all. Ambition. Earnestness, Choler . Tenaciousness. opes the imagination. Avoid hurting their feelings. Train them to trust God's goodness, and look on the sunny side of everything. Give them an open air life and let them seek a "placid" friend. They need affi-ction shown to them. Let them read humorous books a good deal, so as to see the co- mic side of their little troubles They should sl«ep awhile at Strongest four. of all Train them to make humility and the other Christian virtues the object of their ambition, and to despise " glory" and renown. Give them p'enty of quiet muscular exercise, such as gar- dening, etc. CHARACTERISTICS OF THE FOUR TEMPERAMENTS— THE BILIOUS, NERVOUS, SANGUINE AND PLACID. Table 1. o < C/3 O > o n Body. Fat. Well rounded. Not strong. With slow circulation of blood. Digestive organs large. .Statveb. FI.BSH. Tallishi Soft. Flabby. Cool. Clean-looking, Facb. Supple. Well-made. Neither thin nor fat. Heart and lungs large. Thin. Well-made. Always in ment. Brain large. Well-knit. Thin. , Angular. V igorous. Brain comparatively large. ,Fat. Impassive. Calm. COMPLBXION. Colcurless. EVBS. Dull blue. Light blue. Tall. Average. (ExcrptionS) gaunt.y tall and Medium to Small. Firm. Plump. (Veins show in hood.) child- Dry. Wrinkles early. Skin fine in youth. Hands veined and thin. Lean. Firm. Veins apparent. Open. Animated. Bright. Largish. Roundish. Thoughtful . Different at different hours. Skull bones thinly cov- ered. Hatchet -faced. Somewhat haggard. Pink. Fresh. •Ruddy, Fair Pale-yellow. Yellowish- Brown . Steadily bright. Dark blue. Hazel. Brown to black. Violet. Sea-blue. Flashing bright. Dark. The whites yellowish. Hair. Tow-coloured, Dull red, or Mouse-colour. Lank and long. Smooth . Beard scanty comes late. or and MOVBHBNTS. Slow. Solid. In ladies graceful. often Yellow, or Auburn, or Bright brown. Wavy. Soft. Glossy. Active. Free. Hasty. VigourouB. Dark black . Fine. Scant. Turns grey. brown to Black. Crisp, curly. Falls early. Restlessly quick. Fingers deft. Impatient. Firm. Instances. Montaigne. Dutch . Flemi.sh . Saxons. St. James. Rousseau in youth. Alcibiades. Mark Antony. N. France. England , Germany, St. Peter. ; Rou.sseau in oldaee. ! Pascal. * Frederick the Great . St. Paul, Julius Caesar. Alexander. Mahomet. Peter the Great, Richelieu. Napoleon. St John. NTS— THE BILIOUS, NERVOUS, SANGUINE AND PLACID. COMFLBXION. Etes. lurlcBS. Dull blue. Light blue. h. -yellow. owish- Brown. Steadily bright. Dark blue. Hazel. Brown to black. Violet. Sea-blue. Haw. Tow-coloured, Dull red, or Mouse -colour. Lank and long. Smooth. Beard scanty comes late. or and MOVBMINTS. Slow. Solid. In ladies graceful. often Flashing bright. Dark. The whites yellowish. Yellow, or Auburn, or Bright brown. Wavy. Soft. Glossy. Active. Free. Hasty, Vigourous. Dark black. Fine. Scant. Turns grey. brown to Black. Crisp, curly. Falls early. Restlessly quick. Fingers dieft. Impatient. Firm, Instancbs. Montaigne. Dutch . Flemish, Saxons. St, James. Rousseau in youth. Alcibiades. Mark Antony. N. France. F.ngland, Germany. St. Peter. Rou.sseau in oldaae. Pascal. * Frederick the Great . St. Paul. Julius Cassar. Ale.vander. Mahomet, Peter the Great. Richelieu. Napoleon. St John, The answer will be ** Tall or Tallish, " and you must add to his description the words " Height, P. or S. " After similarly going through the whole list of the bodily characteristics, his full description will read off as follows: — Mr. F. ; — In Body, P. (for Placid) ; Height, P. or S. (whether Placid or Sanguine may be determined by the context). Flesh, P. — Face, P. — Complexion, P. — Eyes, P. — Hair, P. — Beard, P. — Movements, P. S. — His movements, that is. show a combination of the Placid and Sanguine character- istics, being solid as w(j11 as vigorous^ Mr. F is, therefore, an example of the all but purely Placid Temperament, and his character will be read off from Table H. as follows : — Intellect, limited, plodding, and not bright ; Judgment, reliable ; Memory, slow (especially, in his case, slow to forget) ; Imagination, cold ; Resolutions, slowly formed, but firm when formed ; Feelings, gentle and not lively. His vices are checked by prayer and habit. He is calm, gentle, guileless and patient. He is quiet and sooth- ing in manner. His most marked characteristic is love of repose. The bodily characteristics of some persons will be found to be a mixture of P. and S. (Placid and Sanguine) ; those of others to be N. and B. (Nervous and Bilious). But as their mental idiosyncrasies will be, at any rate, partially known, there will be generally but little difficulty in determining which of the two temperaments suits them best under each of the several heads in Table II. Suppose, for i stance, that a man's bodily peculiarities show that the Nervous and Bilious temperaments are combined in him, there will be no difficulty in determin- ing whether his manners are '* Sympathetic and Pleasant " as in the Nervous, or "Silent and Abrupt," as in the Bilious Temperament. 61 CHAPTER XII. RANDOM HINTS FOR HAPPINESS. Human nature is half God, half devil. What we were put into this world for is to crush out the diabolical and develop the Divine. To steadily try to do this is in the power of us all, and is the Secret of a Joy beyond words to tell. You can, if you will, find a kind of pleasure in doing a shrewd turn to others and in saying sharp clever things to them. You can also find a pleasure in doing little unremembered acts of kindness and of love to them. Never leave a body with- out having said some bright word to sun and warm it. The former pleasure weakens till it becomes a fierce pain. The other ends in joy, loveliness and light. Be ambidextrous and bilingual. So many tongues as you speak, so many times over are you a man. We can see clearly round few thoughts unless we put them into different languages. The two-tongued or three-tongued Germans beat the French in the Franco-Prussian war two to three. The sailors in the Swedish navy, who average nearly three tongues each, are three times as happy and moral as any sailors in the world. The Highland children, who had learned English as well as Gaelic, I always found twice as happy and bright as the others. In every school in Canada, English should be spoken in the morning and French in the afternoon, after the excellent Swiss plan. Plato says man is a compound of three animals under one skin : — Man in his body, Lion in his heart, and Snake below it. Let us say rather, he is akin to God in his immaterial (and therefore immortal) part, to Man in his brain, and to a Serpent in his lower nature. The Secret of Joy is to let the God rule, to develop the man, and to rule the serpent with an absolute control of firmness, of wisdom and of love. 62 Don't heap your blossoms over your beloveds' coffin or save your flower-praises, for their funeral sermon. Praise them freely and fully, and give them, almost daily, gifts of flowers, while they live. How delightful is it that we never need worry ourselves as to what is wise or what is expedient. All we need ask at any given moment is " What is God's will? " — and then do it fearlessly. It cannot be God's will'to turn night into day, to go ^c bed after 11.30 at latest, or to contort or alter, by artificial means, the beautifui form he has given women. Those who do so cannot, surely, look God's goodness in the face, and hardly ought to say their prayers. They are in flattest rebellion against God ; — open rebellion against God — a charming position to be sure. One sure source of joy is to have ever by you and at hand the greatest, grandest and noblest inspirations of, say, the hundred greatest, grandest, noblest men that have ever lived. A few lines of these should daily be learnt by heart, and a few lines of what we know should ever be repeated after our noonday meditation. The next edition of Pure Gold is to contain these hundred inspirations, and they will be proved analytically, and to a certain extent mathematically, to be the best. Pure Gold may be looked upon as a great appendix or tail to this little booklet; — a tail strong enough, verily, to wag the dog. Every one who would give himsdf a fair chance to be happy and of having his mind as well furnished as mind can be, should write to the author for a 35c. or 50c. copy of Pure Gold. If he can state that he cannot afford the price, it will be gladly sent to him free. An effort will be made to place it in the hands of the 100,000,000 English-speaking school children in the world, as the best possible hand-book in the world of English literature. Of course none can expect to be really happy in a city. In a city the air is always non-ozonic ; our spirits are so ^m twined with our frail and mortal bodies, that we can no more expect to sun ourselves in God's goodness, when some internal disorder disturbs the liver (wherein one great writer, a well- known "mad doctor," of London, Ont., placeth our character and our taste for the beautiful and our love for flowers and apple-pie) — than we can expect to enjoy the 63 material sun if extinguished under King John's " cope of lead," or siuit up in a refrigerator. Low spirits are a bodily disorder, which comes on us for divers reasons. Having been forced to dive our heads, we should as soon as may be lift them up, like a duck, for sundry and sunshiny reasons, preen and plume and quack and enjoy ourselves again. St. Franqiois — he the plucky one of Geneva — asks somewhat a s follows : — "What are we in our happier (and therefore better) moments but children piling up packs of cards. And in our best moments what are we but children making card- houses to amuse some more childish brother or sister? And when the rude hand of a father or an elder brother knocketh them down, some of us fret, and scold, and turn petulantly from the game, and even for a while sulk. While others take it as part of the fun, and begin merrily all over again. And while building packs of cards, which give scant pleasure except by falling, we are all the while building and moulding our ■own characters ; and these, like all invisible things, are immortal, and last forever and for aye. " We are as in a building where the Master of the house is confined to his room. But we can communicate freely with him by telephone and speaking-tube, and receive most prompt and delightful answers. Meanwhile, the meals are ready on time, our clothes washed, and new cloches laid on our bed when we want them . And suppose some mannikin, fed, clothed and washed for, by the master of the house, says to you : " There is no Master in the House. It is all my eye. Have you ever seen him ? " You — who have just spoken with the Master through the telephone — say unto the mannikin, "Oh crazy loon ! " When blue yourself, and all looks black, utterly black, remember that (if you keep up every little semblance of saying your prayers) it is a mere bodily ailment dependent on a certain presence or absence of phosphate atoms in the brain. Keep your hand in God's, and you will be happy as one with the severest sick headache is happy while his mother smoothes his brow. And, if you cannot feel the presence of God's hand, be sure it is still holding yours. And, if you fall asleep, it will hold yours till you wake up in a brighter world. 64 TABLE OF CONTENTS. ^"^^^^^ PAGE I. A Perfectly Certain Way to be Happy 17 II. How to be Happy ; — in one word 19 III. The Whisper of the Sea-Shell 23 IV. Try a Severe Course of Humor 20 Preface! -j V. The Proof of the Non-existence of Pain 33 VI. A Week of Seven Joys 3^ VII. How to Grow Flowers in Canada 45 VIII. Our Fifty Best Friends 52 IX. The Aquarium, compiled by the V. Rev. Dean Carmichael, D.D.. ..... 57 X. How to be Happy;— in one page 59 XI. How to Read Character 60 XII. Random Hints for Happiness 62 Chas. Alexander. 219 St. James St, Montreal, LUNCHEON ROOM BREAKFAST, DINNER AND TEA. The correct place for Ladies to lunch and dine, lest (ttcttfectiotterg. PEl ER W. WOOD. Watchmaker ^^^ Jevreller^ 11 BLBURY STREET. ESTABLISHED 1839. FINE WATCHES CAREFULLY REPAIRED. Chaboillez Square, near the Bonaventure Depot, Established 1866. I have bought my boots and shoes at Ronayne Bros, now for about twenty years and always with complete satisfaction. The prices were always very low and the quality excellent. F. C. EMBERSON. Mbm ;— The naniei wbicb appear in the lists next the cotci-h of the book were my own selection, and in- Mrt«d without the oonuut of the flraia mentioned. MOW TO BE HAPPV : TAKE ONE TURKISH BATH at least a week. The best Temperance Hotel in the World is the TcBKisH Bath Hotel. Montreal. JOHN LOVELL cSi SON, Book^Job Printers i^> BOOKBINPERS. 23a{25 St. Nicholas St.. MONTREAL. How to \w Happy : Sloop on The Dominion Iron Beostead AM) WOVEN WIRK MATTRESS COiMRINKD IT IS '11 IK Best 8S well as tlie Cl&apesl IN THE WORLD. f)RI)i;K OF WARDEN & HICK, 0(>:i St. James Street (Near the I'nnaveiiturc Uepot), MONTREAL. (Joods shipped to tlie rounliy Iree of charge. R. LAURENC: 213 ST. LAWRENCE MAIN ST. A Full Assortment of | Men's Fine Furnishing GOODS. F/NE UNDERWEAR A SPECIALTY. The Celebrated "COMFORT BRAND" OF White Dress Shirts Always kept in stock, and particulai j recommended. JOHN EGGEK. Practical Swiss Watchmak'^' It('l»iiii's on c■■• •••• ••» • • • , • , • 1 I t • -• Send p to PV. Drysdale for ''"IVImI sJmU I do with my Boys?'' by F. C. Emberson (in hand), and '' The Young Seigneur," by IVilfred Clmteauclair, " tJje best novel ever written in Canada," T is a great pleasure to deal with merchants on whom you can absolutely rely, whom you need never bargain with, and whom you can trust blindfold. To know who they are is one answer to the question r Those who live in tl^ country can order goods by mail of the below named with calm satisfaction. Send what u think to be the price, and the change will be posted to you by return mail. A^riculturalia. — Wm. Evans, 89-93 McGill Street. J^ook and Job Printeis. — JOIIN LOVELL & SON, 23-5 St. Nicholas Street. Books and Fine Stationery. — W. Drvsdale, 232 St. James Street. Boots and Shoes. — Ron AVNE Bros., Chaboillez Square. Chemist (Dispcnsin,^). — II. V. Jackson, 2263-5 ^t. Catherine Street. Commission Merchant in Fruit. — J. R. Clogci & Co., 169 McGill Street. l)rug<(ist (Wholesale). — LVMAN, Sons & Co., 380-6 St. Paul Street, 9-1 1 DeBresoles Street. Established 1800. Dry Goods. — J. MURrilV, 1781-1783 Notre Dame Street.<^— Family Paper. — TllE WriNESS, IMontrcal. (The iiiirest, noMest, ami most slraii;lUfiir\varil fainilj' |>apt'r in the worUl.) I'lorist. — I^. Graves, Mona Nurseries, Cote St. Antoine. P^-uit (Wholesale). — Vli'oNi), McBride & Co., 261-3 Commi.ssioncrs St. Furrier.— -J no. Henderson, 229 St. James Street. Grocer (Pemperance). — J. R. GRANT, 2293 St. Catherine Street. Hardware. — David Drvsdale, 645 Crai^ braig Street. Pianos. — C. W. LlNDSA^', 2<»6o St.' Cat;ljefi''i9 Stii:?t'.t..rr * '* Plumber. — Georce R. P^gj^vSK; 244..^!t...|JtYines' $tl-ec?-. " * ' Printer and Publisher. — J. TllEO. RoiilNSON, 1791 Notre Dame Street. Saddler)-, &c. — W. W. ROBERTSON, 2244 Notre Dame Street. Sliirt and Collar Manufacturers. — A. H. SlMS & Co., 54 Latour Street. 'Pailor. — Robert C. Wilson, 256 St. James Street. Temperance Dining Hall. — C. ALEXANDER, 219 St. James Street. Watchmaker. — P. Wood, it Blcury Street. . /., ^\%'\k ^U?> cu Lii ^ '^ i J- * Mow to &e Hufijiif INTRODUCTION TO fejiL)i!ll BV F. C. EMBERSON, A.B.C.D.F. Double First-class Classic with honors in Mathematics, of Wadh. Coll., Oxford ; Graduate of the McGill Normal School ; . Author of "The Art of Teaching"; "Gold and Silver," &c., with the help of DEAN CARMICHAEL, THE REV. JAS. BARCLAY AND ©. M. M. What nothing earthly gives or can destroy, The Soul's calm sunshine and the heartfelt joy, Is A POPE. lllontrcal : W. FOSTER BROWN & CO. PUBLISHERS. ,x^,^