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 1 
 
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 6 
 
THE 
 
 WARS OF THE GULLS; 
 
 AN 
 
 HISTORICAL ROMANCE, 
 
 IN THREE CHAPTERS. 
 
 Chap. I. Shewing how, and why, and with whom 
 the Chills went to war. 
 
 Chap. II. Sheimng how the CruUs make the deep to 
 hoil like a pot. 
 
 Chap. III. Shelving how a certain doughty Gene- 
 ral of 1M Gtdls goes forth to play the game of 
 KuLL-GuLL in Upper Ckmadu^ 
 
 ** And from the pinnacle of glory, 
 ** Fall* headlong into purgatory." 
 
 
 H 
 
 ill 
 
 
 M 
 
 m 
 
 J>rEW-¥ORK: 
 
 PUBLISHED AT THE DRAMATIC REPOSITORY, 
 
 Shakespeare Gallery, 
 
 i 
 
^^.^; 
 
 «,v- 
 
 "*«#--f*5f ^k..** 
 
 .Ml 
 
VKUWJ B -* * '*"*'" 
 
 THE 
 
 WARS OF THE GULLS. 
 
 :^> ''-r 
 
 t,.-^*-^' 
 
 £i» 
 
 Chapter L 
 
 Shewing how, and why^ and with whom the 
 Gulls went to war. 
 
 Yi 
 
 E that have listened with astonishment 
 to the ancient hattles in Grecian song of thf 
 Frogs and Mice, and who have dilated 
 your jaws with consternation at the red 
 slaughter of the Pigmies and the Cranes ; 
 you are invited once more to expand your 
 mouths and once more to erect your ears at 
 the recital of deeds unexampled in history, 
 unparallelled in fiction, unattempted in prose 
 or rhyme, and utterly unknown, unseen and 
 unheard of — save in the Wars of the Gulls, 
 It was on a foggy afternoon, such as 
 Virginians are accustomed to counteract 
 with a mint julep, and such as cloudy heads 
 
4 
 
 find congenial to cogitation ; that the Sage 
 of Montpelier, the commander in chief 
 of the armies of the Gulls^ retired to his 
 lolling- chair to ponder on the destinies of 
 the nation. The declaration of war, by 
 virtue of which the whole nation of Gulls 
 were to pounce unguibua et rostro upon 
 ^ the unprotected heads of the BiiU»^ their 
 lawfully appointed enemies, was in hi? 
 hand. A map of British America was un- 
 der his feet, blotted and defaced fwrn carvw 
 ing; but accurately divided as if Ellicot 
 had drawn the lines from celestial observa- 
 tion. The margins and spaces usually 
 blank because unexplored, were cc^iously 
 filled with the names of their future digni- 
 taries, the favourites of their puissant com- 
 mander. Here was a viceroy of Labrador^ 
 and there was a collector of customs on 
 Mc Kenzie's River. A victorious general 
 was military governor over the fragments 
 of Quebec, while an uncouth looking colo- 
 nel was plenipo. to the Dog-ribbed Indians. 
 ^^ Who," said the chief of the GuUs; as he 
 
 I 
 
.•^»ms>~*-^ 
 
 Sage 
 chief 
 to his 
 lies of 
 a?, by 
 Gulls 
 upon 
 their 
 m hip 
 as UQ- 
 icarvw 
 llieot 
 serva- 
 sually 
 (iously 
 d%iii. 
 t com- 
 rador, 
 tns on 
 eneral 
 ;ments 
 ; colo- 
 diansi. 
 as he 
 
 F 
 
 cast his eye over his dependancies, ^^ who 
 can like me put his thumb on a whole con- 
 tinent at once ? What potentate so colos- 
 sal that in bestriding his empire, he can cool 
 one tee upon the north pole, while he warms 
 the other at the southernmost cape in Flor- 
 ida? These are the ^.rue limits of my do- 
 minions ; yes, I am to have Canada^ or Fe- 
 lix Grundy is no prophet, and William 
 Widgery is an unprincipled deceiver. 
 Take Canada^ say they, before the ice 
 breaks up, and as for the rest it may be ta- 
 ken at any time for the ice never breaks up. 
 Plant but a standard in Canada and the 
 subjects of oppression will rush by thous- 
 ands to receive the oath of allegiance, and 
 to become incorporated with the great na- 
 tion of the Gulls. A few weeks more and 
 my myrmidons shall be scouring the wil- 
 derness and beating the bushes, from King- 
 ston to lake Winnipeg. No need of more 
 recruits, for the renegadoes of the fur trade, 
 the scape-goats of British oppression, shall 
 eome over in swarms to join the infiucible 
 
 ¥ 
 
» 
 
 standard, and daily add new Gulls to the 
 conquering legion. No need of provisions, 
 for the lakes have fish, and the woods j;re 
 teeming with the delicious flesh of bears 
 and prairie dogs. No need of clothing, for 
 the capture of every trading hut will furn- 
 ish furs for a regiment, and the spoils of 
 the forest will be a noble substitute for rag- 
 ged shirts and antedeluvian breeches. No 
 need of pay, for the warlike and successful 
 troops shall receive their fame in regular 
 installments, and coin their wages in cents 
 at the ernbouchure of Coppermine river. 
 Meanwhile the happy, the enlightened na- 
 tion of the Gulls shall squat under their 
 vines and fig trees and snuff up in every 
 gale the prowess of their brethren. No 
 odious accumulation of taxes shall at pres- 
 ent cast a cloud on the brilliant prospect of 
 my second election. No building of ships 
 and fortifications shall belie the establish- 
 ed character of a frugal and penurious ad- 
 ministration. The sovereign people shall 
 be set at rest on the ground of expense, and 
 
 J 
 
i^ 
 
 while a weekly buF ^tin annoulices the cap- 
 ture of a swamp or the fall of a log-liouso, 
 fhey shall exult in the glorious fortune 
 which made them Gulls, and wonder liow 
 a government can go to war so cheap I" 
 
 Such were the plans and pondenngs 
 which the recent declaration of war had 
 lighted up within the cranium of the head 
 of the nation. But it was not to so narrow 
 a sphere that the effects of this portentous 
 declaration were confined. At one and the 
 same moment it was spreading uproar 
 throughout the continent, ana wafting dis- 
 may and consternation across the Atlantic. 
 In Great Britain its consequences were al- 
 most simultaneous with its creation. Many 
 weeks before the news of it could reach that 
 country, before it could even be lisped by 
 any imprudent functionary in France, its 
 overwhelming effects began to burst forth in 
 the fast anchored isle on every side. Out 
 went the ministry en masse, as if they had 
 been dislodged from their seats by a clap of 
 the '^ red artillery of heaven.'' The chan- 
 
 
 ^ 
 
 t: 
 
 1 
 
1} 
 
 H 
 
 V 
 
 S 
 
 » 
 
 cellor of the exchequer was put to death 
 without time to say his neck verse, and the 
 Prince Regent himself, with his foot on the 
 throne of his fathers, was ahout to suffer 
 the same fate, had he not luckily bethought 
 himself of the great example of Governor 
 Gerry of Massachusetts, and sought instan- 
 taneous refuge behind a proclamation. Even 
 the crazy old king, insulated from the world 
 and .worn out as he was both in body and 
 mind, was observed on a sudden to become • 
 remarkably unruly among his nurses, and ■■* 
 had a paroxysm of cholic the subsequent ^ 
 morning. , ., >, > 
 
 5F^- 
 
 V 
 
 ■M' 
 
 
 fr 
 
 f 
 
 ■> 
 
 ...;> 
 
 
 '*>*- 
 
 \i \ 
 
ileatb 
 tdthe 
 m the 
 suffer 
 ought 
 ernor 
 istan- 
 Even 
 world 
 f and 
 Bcome 
 %f and 
 ^quenf 
 
 ■f 
 
 z-.^^ 
 
 r 
 
 
 o.^i- ^ 
 
 h ■ 
 
 Chapter II. 
 
 Shewing how the Gulls make the deep to 
 boil like a pot. 
 
 In the harbour of New York lay at an- 
 chor Commodore John Rogers, having the 
 redoubtable navy of the GKiUs under his 
 command. This is not the John Rogers 
 who suffered martyrdom in popeiy times at 
 Smithfield, and was followed to the stake 
 by a squadron of children, respecting the 
 number of whom it is problematical wheth- 
 er they were nine or ten. The worthy 
 Commodore was never like to experience 
 any difficulty in numbering his squadron, 
 for it was a fixed maxim with the Gulls 
 that no ships at all were better than a cum- 
 bersome navy. Nevertheless as they had 
 once been an aqwitic tribe and were gener- 
 ally ranked among water fowlsy it was 
 thought expedient to make one more ex- 
 'periment to ascertain ^/hether they had lost 
 
 I 
 
 
10 
 
 by long disuse the art of swimming. Ac- 
 cordingly the gallant naval armament 
 weighed anchor and stretched out of the 
 liarboiir, while the necks of the GruUs 
 stretched after them from every shore. 
 Scarcely had the squadron passed through 
 the Narrows and commenced their track 
 upon the ocean^ leaving the highlands of 
 Neversink beneath the surface of the deep ; 
 when a tremendous and long continued fir- 
 ing which seemed to render the very rocks 
 and shores unsafe within the wind of its 
 commotion, was heard off various points of 
 the coast of Long Island. One frigate, two 
 frigates^ three frigates ; some whole and 
 some dismasted, were $■ een at different times 
 towing ea^jii other into the harbour of New 
 '- York.* This proved a glorious triumph for 
 the Gulls, abating a slight mistake of place^ 
 as the prizes arrived not at New York but 
 at one of the harbours in the Moon, where 
 they w»rp regularly entered by Mr. Jeffer* 
 son's collector. 
 
 i 
 
 * See the CKiU papers of the time. 
 
 -i; . * - * *• ■■ 
 
 k 
 
 \ , 
 
Ac- 
 
 mameut 
 k of the 
 Gulls 
 shore, 
 through 
 ir track 
 and 9 of 
 le deep 5 
 lued fir- 
 ry rocks 
 d of its 
 )oiiits of 
 ;ate, two 
 ole and 
 )ni times 
 of New 
 imph for 
 of place, 
 ork but 
 I, where 
 \ Jeffer^ 
 
 i 
 
 11 
 
 Now there sailed in the squadron of the 
 Commodore, a small but venomous sloop of 
 war yclept the Hornet. This vessel hav- 
 ing strayed perchance from the fleet, had 
 the luck to fall in with a large frigate some 
 dozen times its own magnitude, called the 
 Belvidere, with whom she ''had a slight 
 brtiah,^' This bully frigate finding it im- 
 possible to float before the buzzing and 
 brushing of the Hornet, was glad to crowd 
 all sail and make the best of her escape 
 from so troublesome a pursuer. Tell it nut 
 in Halifax, said the Gull papers, publish it 
 not in the streets of London, that a British 
 frigate ran away from an American sloop 
 of v/ar. This " bvu8¥^ however was not 
 without serious censequences, for it broke 
 the Commodore's leg, who was at that time 
 in some part of the same ocean, and caus- 
 ed two midshipmen and half a dozen sail- 
 ors to die for grief; some having broken 
 hearts, and the rest broken heads. Albeit, 
 this was a glorious triumph for .he Gulls. 
 
 The Jamaica fleet consisting of 150 sail 
 
 !■ 
 
 ■#. 
 
 m ' 
 
 
 c 
 
 I 
 
IS 
 
 ' i 
 
 '' \ 
 
 \i0i^ 
 
 -m-i .:■?>■ 
 
 a 
 
 of richly laden merchantmen, was the next 
 fruit of this suecessfnl expedition. Out of 
 the number of this fleet one hundred and 
 one sail, thirty-one sail, twenty-one sail 
 were succ ^.ssively captured,* making in all 
 1^ sail. The country would have over- 
 flowed with West India goods, enough to 
 last even to the end of the war, had not 
 these merchantmen unluckily been ordered 
 for the Moon, instead of being sent into 
 New York. Nevertheless} though the 
 Gulls got no rum and molasses, yet they 
 had triumph in abundance. 
 
 Meanwhile this great and dignified peo* 
 pie were not unmindful of the earnest and 
 repeated calls of their clamorous papers to 
 scour the ocean with privateers. In a 
 short time the Argus opened its hundred 
 eyes and the Wily Reynard was racking 
 his brains for stratagems of plunder ; the 
 Marengo prepai'ed to triumph in the cause 
 of Fiaactjj and Madison and Jeffeis'm and 
 Bona« having each a gun in his tai^ and 
 
 i ..- - » -Xlde GuU papers. 
 
 J - ■ 
 
 ^ •• '^f »■— ■ 
 
13 
 
 le next 
 Out of 
 3d and 
 >ne s^l 
 in all 
 i ovcr- 
 ugh ta 
 ad not 
 rdered 
 at into 
 h the 
 
 it they 
 
 id peo* 
 ist and 
 pers to 
 In a 
 indred 
 acking 
 r; the 
 cause 
 ')n and 
 i\ and 
 
 fifty tatterdemalions armed with tomahawks 
 and speaking trumpeti^^ commenced an in- 
 discriminate havoc among vessels which 
 could not fight^ of all kindreds, and nations^ 
 and tongues. The ocean became a mere 
 theatre of indiscriminate depredation, and 
 the moonlight was obscured by the cloud 
 of prizes daily arriving. The ghost of 
 Robert Kidd awoke from the slumber of 
 ages, where he had been composed to rest 
 by the soporific influence of the gallows ; 
 he first rubbed his eyes, yawned, and ask- 
 ed what year of our Lord it was ; then 
 clearing his pipes he struck up the old 
 fashioned ditty ^^When I sailed, when I 
 sail ad," and the whole posse comitatus of 
 long winded privateersmen bellowed lusti- 
 ly to the chorus. 
 
 It ill beseems the impartial chronicler of 
 events to rake up invidious distinctions out 
 of a mingled chaos of merit, prow<*ss and 
 invincibility. Had each privateersman a 
 dozen epics appropriated to his special hon- 
 our, they would fall infinitely short of the 
 
 . 
 
 .t 
 
14 
 
 jr 
 
 glory clue to Lis valorous atchievements. 
 Bat v;e should be mere logs of wood in 
 point of stupidity, and deserve everlasting 
 oblivion for our much belaboured history, 
 did we omit to signalize one of these gal- 
 lant barks, which far outstripped the rest in 
 danger and in triumph, to wit, the vessel 
 that took the Plumper, 
 
 In Boston harbour lay the empress 
 Catharine of Russia, who having been for 
 some time in the keeping of his Ex-honour 
 the cidevant Lieut. Governor of that state ; 
 on a sudden bethought herself to return as 
 a letter of mari[ue, in a peaceable manner, 
 to her own Muscovian dominions. It was 
 not to be expected that an amiable and un- 
 protected female, while pursuing her way 
 quietly on the ocean and showing hostility 
 to no one save the little fishes, should 
 have experienced violence or rudeness from 
 any ill bred traveller of the deep. So it 
 chanced, however, that an unmannerly boor 
 of the family of Bulk, named Plumper, 
 happening to fall in with the royal beauty, 
 
 had 
 famill 
 court] 
 ous 
 
n^^ 
 
 i^ements, 
 vood in 
 rlasting 
 history, 
 ese gal- 
 e rest in 
 i vessel 
 
 mpress 
 »een for 
 -honour 
 t state ; 
 turn as 
 nanner, 
 
 It was 
 and un- 
 er way 
 iostili ty 
 should 
 ss from 
 
 So it 
 ly boor 
 umper, 
 beauty, 
 
 13 
 
 had the impudence to exhibit some airs of 
 familiarity, not to be endured by one of her 
 courtly birth and rank. The presumptu- 
 ous gallant was not aware that he was tak- 
 ing freedoms with the real Semiramis of 
 the North, until an astonishing box in the 
 ear from the redoubtable fist of her high- 
 ness plumped him headlong into Marble- 
 head in a state of half decomposition, leav- 
 ing an awful lesson to all audacious clowns 
 and aspiring boobies, that 
 
 " No course so wild or so infeasible, 
 " As that of force to win a Jezebel." 
 
 It is with grief that we must here ac- 
 knowledge that a melancholy and sombre 
 cloud hangs over the brilliancy of the 
 remainder of this splendid affair. In the 
 course of a few days following, even while 
 the Marblehead Gulls were triumphing in 
 the expectation of an unprecedented prize, 
 the appalling news arrived that the Catha- 
 rine was in odious thraldom at Halifax, 
 striving to dry her tears with the faint hope 
 of deliverance from some Canadian knight 
 
 i 
 

 10 
 
 k 
 
 errant ! Through what untoward juggle 
 of the dejstines so cruel an event could have 
 happened is utterly unknown. The only 
 ray of light hitherto shed on this obscure 
 subject by the oracles of the Gulls is, that 
 it was somehow or other owing to the d — d 
 tory federalists. 
 
 About these times a very brilliant and 
 unexpected event created great astonish- 
 ment among the Gulls. A certain frigate 
 called the Constitution, which the Gulls had 
 always hated for her name, and which they 
 had loaded with curses on the very day of 
 her launch ; put to sea in quest of adven- 
 tures. She had the good fortune in a shorfc 
 time to fall in with an enemy of some im- 
 portance, and after a short but energetic 
 battle, consigned him to the custody of Da- 
 vid Jones, and came home to tell the news. 
 The Gulls, at this intelligence, looked aghast 
 at each other, and earnestly inquired if 
 there was no catch. Finding that, unlike 
 their customary news, this was a clear mat- 
 ter of fact, they fell to loggerheads as to 
 
• m V.iatl 3 t acgr : 
 
 ! 
 
 Id have 
 le only 
 )bscure 
 is, that 
 
 \.nt and 
 itonish- 
 frigate 
 ills had 
 ;h they 
 day of 
 adven- 
 a short 
 ne im- 
 ergetiG 
 of Da- 
 news, 
 aghast 
 red if 
 iinlike 
 r mat- 
 as to 
 
 » 
 
 the mode of eommunicating it to the public 
 One thought it best to give the simple state- 
 ment without comment^ while another*' in- 
 sisted on misstating^ by one half^ the forces 
 of the ships^ alleging^ that where there 
 was no lie, there was no genuine triumjph 
 for the Gulls, 
 
 * Vide Aurora. 
 
 ',>■ 
 
 '!." 
 
 \ d 
 
 I 
 
 4 
 
 i 
 
 .1 
 
 t 
 
 M 
 
t: 
 
 kn 
 
 I 
 
 
 I 
 
 i 
 
 I 
 
19 
 
 \\ 
 
 Chaprer III. 
 
 f- 
 
 Shewing how a certain doughty General of 
 the Gulls goes forth to play the game of 
 Hull-Gull in Upper Canada, 
 
 " And from the pinnacle of i;lory, 
 " Falls headlon!^ into purgatory." 
 
 While these portentous and unprece- 
 dented events were transacting in various 
 regions of the terraqueous glohe^ and alarm- 
 ing the human race at the probable return 
 of chaos^ or at least of the iron age ; a cab- 
 inet council of all the nobles and dignita- 
 ries of the Gulls^ was summoned in the 
 capitol of their august commander, at the 
 seat of government. Never since the Mil- 
 tonian synod was such a council convoked ; 
 never was witnessed such uu assemblage 
 of faces, grave with unutterable concep- 
 tions ; of heads distended even to bursting 
 with the volume of their immeasurable pro- 
 jects ; never were heard such torrents of 
 
 
I r 
 
 II 
 
 ^ 
 
 <»•. 
 
 overpowering rhetoric, and such flashings 
 of intuitive and supernatural sapience, as 
 burst forth from every elhow chair, when 
 the great Gull of the nation, the grand 
 Mo- gull of his idolaters, brought out for 
 their consideration the solemn and import- 
 ant question How is Canada to be 
 
 taken? 
 
 A hurricane of schemes and projects, the 
 least of which would for wisdom have dis- 
 tanced the son of Laertes, were ushered on 
 the carpet and backed by a volley of un- 
 answerable arguments. One maintained 
 that Canada should be carried by instanta- 
 neous assault, another that it should be cir- 
 cumvented by stratagem. One was for 
 shutting up the god of war in the bowels 
 of a wooden horse and sending him thus 
 securely mounted into the centre of Que- 
 bec ; another was for drying up the St. 
 Lawkence as Cyrus dried up the Euphra- 
 tes when he took Babylon. One morfi 
 cruel than the rest would have given the 
 signal to Widgery to make his descent up- 
 
 %. 
 
asLings 
 nce^ as 
 *, when 
 i grand 
 out for 
 import- 
 to be 
 
 cts, the 
 Lve dis- 
 ered on 
 f of un- 
 intained 
 nstanta- 
 l be cir- 
 ivas for 
 bowels 
 im thus 
 [)f Que- 
 the St. 
 Suphra- 
 le more 
 ven the 
 ^ent up. 
 
 21 
 
 on the frontier territory at once, while others 
 thought it more prudent to wait for the ar- 
 rival of one of Bonaparte's generals. Ma- 
 ny were for equipping a fleet of gun boats 
 and transports loaded with Kentucky vol- 
 unteers, who were to be landed at the 
 .^ mouth of Columbia river, and after a forc- 
 m ed march across the rocky mountains were 
 to attack the enemy at a quarter where they 
 ^ were least expected. All these sage opin- 
 ions however were obliged to give way, 
 when the great Mo-gul himself with a look 
 of gravity and consequence never to be im- 
 itated, assured the assembly, that on the 
 maturest consideration, he was resolved to 
 take Canada by Proclamation, '' By Pro- 
 clamation," said he, '' my illustrious pre- 
 decessor defended this extensive region 
 during a long and warlike reign of eight 
 years, and brought the belligerent powers 
 of Europe to his feet. By Proclamation I 
 have commenced this great and perilous 
 war, and by Proclamation I will can*y vic- 
 
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 \i 
 
 
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i 
 
 tt 
 
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 f 
 
 tory into tbe very chimney corners of the 
 enemy!'' *; 
 
 A general grin of approbation gave proof 
 incontestible that the weighty sentence of 
 the chief had carried conviction home to 
 every stomach. The whole cabinet was 
 resolved into a proclaiming committee^ and 
 lifter a session of six weeks^ with no other 
 assistance than a file of the Moniteury that 
 stupendous Proclamation was engendered, 
 which was to can*y jeopardy and dismay 
 from fort Churchill to Halifax. It iras 
 for sometime debated whether the Procla- 
 mation should be sent alone^ or attended by 
 an escori ; but at length it was determined, 
 that just fbr form's sake a regiment or two 
 under the command of a valiant general, 
 well known on the borders of Canada, 
 should attend the mammoth production in- 
 to that country ; and that in case of any 
 unforeseen difficulty, they should call for 
 advice and direction upon their trusty ci- 
 devant cabineteer Barnabas Bidwell, and 
 other confidential friends of the great JV&- 
 gul, resident in that country. 
 
 ^■^^ ^ 
 
 ^1i» 
 
 
I 
 
 of the 
 
 vt proof 
 ;ence of 
 lome to 
 act was 
 tee^ and 
 10 other 
 mvy that 
 ndered, 
 dismay 
 
 It WtL8 
 
 Procla- 
 nded by 
 Tmiued^ 
 t or two 
 general^ 
 Canada^ 
 ction in- 
 i of any 
 
 call for 
 rusty ci- 
 'ell^ and 
 eat Mo- 
 
 Every one now admired the deep policy 
 of the great Mo.gul^ who^ a long time pre« 
 vious to the invasion of Canada^ had suffer- 
 ed his trusty associates Bidwell^ GannjBtt^ 
 and others^ to make a generous sacrifice of 
 their reputation at home^ that they might 
 qualify themselves to reside with better 
 grace in the country of their enemies, and 
 to make gi*adual preparation for the recep* 
 tion of the victorious Proclamation, by 
 teaching the illiterate natives how to read 
 it^ when it should arrive. , 
 
 In the summer of 181/^, this gallant Pro- 
 clamation set out from Washington and 
 without any material accident arrived at 
 Detroit. Immediate preparations were 
 made for a descent upon the enemy^s cou^- 
 try, and on the ISth of July the general 
 and his Proclamation attended by the Tip- 
 pecanoe boys, the Ohio militia, the Michi- 
 gan raccoon catchers and a band of music, 
 were all disembogued upon the opposite 
 shore. It is here impossible to describe 
 the alarm and trepidation aud uproar which 
 
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H 
 
 
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 iii 
 
 S4- 
 
 6|>Tead among the astonished natives^ as 
 this terrific phalanx advanced toward their 
 devoted settlements ; 
 
 *' Tlie dogs did bark, the children screamed, 
 " Up flew the windows all 
 m\^ And every soul cried well a day 1 
 " As loud as they could bawl." 
 
 The women fled in crowds from the potent 
 general^ notwithstanding his assurances 
 that he came there " to find enemies^ not to 
 maJ^e them/^ 
 
 So great and so universal was the con- 
 sternation the^i in a short time the whole 
 settlement was evacuated, and the victori- 
 ous general took quiet possession of a gari- 
 son of dogs, cats and spiders. The fiag of 
 the Gulls was spliced to an old pine stump, 
 and the conquering army sat down to con- 
 sume their bread and cheese in the very 
 heart of the "land debateable.'^ The 
 Proclamation was now put in complC';e re- 
 pair and a contract was made to have it 
 transported with its appendages to fort 
 Maiden. It was apprehended that the gar- 
 
 pati 
 
 ^'^ 
 
 as'^ 
 
^5 
 
 /s 
 
 \ 
 
 /^ 
 
 Ives^ as 
 rd their 
 
 amed. 
 
 B potent 
 urances 
 3, not to 
 
 lie con- 
 5 whole 
 vJctori- 
 a gari- 
 5ag of 
 stump, 
 to con- 
 le very 
 The 
 [C':e re- 
 lave it 
 Ito fort 
 Ihe gar- 
 
 t 
 
 ison of that fortress might disco^^r some 
 aversion to the gi'eat state engine of their 
 enemies, and therefore various advanced 
 parties were sent to reconnoitre the. inter- 
 mediate ground, fco remo^ e any obstacles in 
 the way, and to get every thing in readi- 
 ness for the immediate and forcible occu- 
 pation of the fort. 
 
 It is an unalienable prerogative of him 
 who writes histories to pass judgment on 
 the events which he describes, and to ac- 
 quaint the ignorant public^ not only how 
 things have been, but also how they should 
 have been. Many a disastrous campaign 
 would have been brilliantly successftil had 
 it been condiiet^d by the historian instead 
 of the general ; and many an empire owes 
 
 * 
 
 its birth or decay to the trivial circumstance 
 that it was not coeval with a hawk eyed 
 critic or antiquarian. The author of the 
 present narrative can discern with half an 
 «ye that the invasion of Canada was not 
 conducted with that accuracy and discre- 
 tion which has usually mai'ked the move- 
 
 E 
 
 
 % 
 
S6 
 
 I 
 
 t*.'l ^ 
 
 
 ments of the Gulls. He is of opinion that 
 an instantaneous attack should have heen 
 made upon the fort^ and that the Proclama- 
 mation should have been tumbled in head- 
 long among the petrified garrison^ before 
 they could recover from the surprize of the 
 onset. But the unlucky destinies had or- 
 dei*ed it otherwise, and many precious days 
 and nights were wasted in achievements, 
 which although full of glory to the actors 
 in them ; contributed nothing to the grand 
 object of the expedition. Some liave 
 foolishly asserted that their delay was ow- 
 ing to the want of gun carriages, provis- 
 ions and ammunition ; but others more ac- 
 quainted with cabinet mysteries say that 
 their instructions forbade them to act until 
 they could effect cooperation with Barna- 
 bas Bidwell, in such a manner as to attack 
 the garrison on one side, while Barnabas 
 mai clmd up his school to the assault on the 
 Mher. However wise this scheme might 
 have been, it certainly procrastinated the 
 capture of the Canadian fort. 
 
on that 
 e been 
 )clama- 
 1 head- 
 ^ before 
 e of the 
 had or- 
 )us days 
 ements^ 
 e actors 
 e grand 
 le tiave 
 was ow- 
 
 provis- 
 lore ac- 
 say that 
 ict until 
 
 Barna- 
 ;o attack 
 Sarnabas 
 It on the 
 
 e might 
 
 ated the 
 
 
 m 
 
 27 
 
 • Meanwhile the Gulls who remained qui- 
 etly I'oosting at home, were not to be 
 baulkod of their fWMmj?^. Although Fort 
 Maiden was not captured in reality^ yet in 
 the newspapers it was taken a thousand 
 times. ITie whole genus clapped their 
 sides in exultation and croaked out ^^ glo- 
 ry, glory to the heroes of Tippecanoe !'' 
 A village of log houses in the state of Ohio 
 was brilliantly illuminated with pine torch- 
 es, and the only entire suit of clothes the 
 town could boast was sacrificed to the lau- 
 dable ambition of burning king Oeorge in 
 eflBgy. In ^hort all those Gulls who were 
 remote from the scene rf hostility puffed up 
 their sides, locked big and terrible, aud 
 assailed the enemy at a distance with a 
 shower of reproaches and war resolutions. 
 At the same time tlie army, although Fort 
 Maiden had not yet been prostrated before 
 their terrific looJcSf did not remain inactive. 
 If episodes were ii. part of the plan of this 
 history, the reader would not fail to be as- 
 tonished, with such accounts of desperate 
 
*-v. 
 
 .1 •, 
 
 i } 
 
 
 
 [I 
 
 deeds done by individuals^ «r by smaJl rfe- 
 tacbments from the army^ as would make 
 each particular hair to stand erect on his 
 head^ and would elicit his benedictions up*, 
 on the stars for not making him a Canadian^ 
 It would then be known how one of thu 
 raccoon catchers, after being tumbled from 
 his horse, run down an Indian in a fair 
 chase and left him stretched upon the 
 ground, a scalpless warning to his tawny 
 brethren to beware how they burnt their 
 fingers in this war of extermination. It 
 would then be seen how an army of eight 
 hundred sheep capitulated to a force of one 
 half their number, and how the victors re- 
 turned in triumph loaded with trophies^ 
 having each man a sheep on his back. It 
 would then be seen how various detach- 
 ments of the grand army penel^ated far in- 
 to the woods, even beyond the shelter of 
 'the Proclamation 5 and there bravely chal- 
 lenged the enemy to the combat, but find- 
 ^ingthat nothing appeared- to oppose them 
 ' except the trees, they turned about and 
 
 •*» 
 
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 I 
 
 make 
 
 on his 
 
 0118 up*. 
 
 uadiaiii 
 
 of th« 
 ed from 
 
 a fair 
 )oii the 
 i tawny 
 nt their 
 ion. It 
 of eight 
 e of one 
 stoi's re. 
 rophies^ 
 ick. It 
 detach. 
 I far in- 
 bieker of 
 sly chal- 
 iut find- 
 ise them 
 out and 
 
 mavehodbaek without the loss of a uiuki 
 It would then be s^een how certain of tber 
 militia displayed an heroic contempt of 
 deaths which would have done honour tQ 
 Teterans, by declaringy as they ran away^ 
 that " they had rather be killed by theift 
 ofiBcers than by those d — d Indians." » 
 It had never been dreamt of by the sage^ 
 who got up the Gull Proclamation^ that it 
 would befal this engine of war to be pitted 
 jigainst one of its own description ; or that 
 the enemy could possibly understand an art 
 which was thought peculiar to the great 
 nation. So it fell out, however, that while 
 the 4rjny were wantonly jeopardizing the 
 strong holds of Maiden^ and preparing 
 their stomachs for dinners out of the pock»- 
 ets of their enemies ; the very serious news 
 arrived that a powerful Proclamation, rating 
 an equal force wiUi their own, and manned 
 and equipped '^ for all oonting^nciee, -' had 
 been fitted out by the. governor of Upper 
 Canada,, and was rapidly advancing against 
 them^. under a furious escort of Bulls and 
 
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 em» 
 
 mmm 
 
30 
 
 / 
 
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 \l 
 
 Indians. This intelligence was as unex- 
 pected as it was overwhelming. To re- 
 main and abide the brunt of battle^ to con- 
 front these mighty and exterminating Fro- 
 elamations in dubious fray and ruinous as- 
 sault ; would have engendered a scene of 
 sanguinary slaughter unprecedented in the 
 annals of civilized warfare. Besides, the 
 commander of the Gullic army, by the 
 words of his own manifesto, had come there 
 •^ to look down opposition/^ not to tight it; 
 And as his force was bnt the vaiieaard of a 
 much greater, it was evidently unfair to 
 dose them with a battle calculated for ten 
 times their number. On tliese weighty 
 iconsideratidns it was determined by the 
 general to abandon his precarious situation, 
 and make the best of his way bock again to 
 ihe territories he had left. The only diffi- 
 culty that laboured in his mmd was, to 
 imagine how the Gulls would ever be able 
 to make a trmmph out of a precipitate flight 
 before the enemy. But at last, having 
 quieted himself with the sagacious reflec- 
 tion, 
 
 4« 
 
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 h\' 
 
 i 
 
 i 
 
 lijiiih ■! I, Ml. I 
 
 ■w— "M^jinati,. ,^m 
 
 mmmfm 
 
lIRt 
 
 s unex- 
 To re- 
 to con- 
 ng Pro- 
 lous as- 
 }cene of 
 I in the 
 ies, the 
 by the 
 le there 
 fight it: 
 ard of a 
 nfair to 
 for ten 
 weighty 
 by the 
 tuation^ 
 igain to 
 ly diffi. 
 ivas^ to 
 be able 
 te flight 
 having 
 reflec- 
 
 << That when a fight becomes a ^hase ; 
 
 ** Those V 'n the day that win the race," 
 
 he instantly gave orders for every mother's 
 sou to make the best of his way to the side 
 of the river where he belonged. 
 
 We now behold the redoubtable army 
 of the North West, after having invaded 
 Canada, taken all of it that was worth tak^ 
 ingy and effected a masterly retreat home- 
 ward ; at last quietly encamped upon their 
 own dung hill at Detroit. It was confi- 
 dently expected that hostilities in this quar- 
 ter would cease, and that no more Mould 
 be heard of the din of arms, until the god 
 of war should light up the flame of discord 
 in the east, and hurl the firebrands of de^^ 
 yastation about.the ears of the astonished 
 Quebeckers- But all attempts at pacliiea- 
 tion were vain and hopeless, notwithstand- 
 ing that John Bull had been on his marrow 
 bones at the capitol, earnestly begging an 
 armistice to gain a moment's breath from 
 his merciless beating. The great Mo-gul 
 had sworn by the beard of his secretary, 
 
 
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 l-^ 
 
 ^'^ 
 
 as 
 
 that he ^oulct not ^< trade or barter, by giv- 
 ing or by taking quarter/^ until the Gulls 
 ceased to be a nation, or Canada was ex- 
 terminated from the map of the world. 
 
 The Bulls already flushed with suceegs^ 
 now collected their forces and determined 
 . . to hazard the attempt of storming the Gulls 
 in their own nest. They crossed the rivet 
 and set in array a more formidable host 
 tlian had ever darkened the wilderness 
 with frowns. On one side marched the 
 grim General Brock, having a huge pair 
 of whiskers, and on the other the ill looking 
 warrior Tecumseh, having no whiskers at 
 all. The face of things was now changed, 
 and the exterminating party were in their 
 turn threatened with extermination. Here 
 was a contingency which no one had fore- 
 seen, and against which not even the Pro- 
 elamation had provided. The unhappy 
 and disconsolate commander of the Gulls, 
 unwilling to shed the blood of his follow- 
 ers by confronting their empty guns and 
 hungry bellies with the brawny and beef 
 
 yf 
 
S3 
 
 bygiv- 
 |e Gulls 
 as ex-1 
 W. 
 
 uccegs^ 
 rmined 
 e GuHa 
 he rivef 
 »le faosi 
 deraess 
 bed the 
 ige pair 
 looking 
 skers at 
 hanged; 
 in their 
 . Here 
 ad fore- 
 he Pro- 
 mhappy 
 5 Gulls, 
 foUow- 
 ms and 
 nd beef 
 
 -4 
 
 fed warriors of the north 5 with a heavy 
 heart and a rueful physiognomy, put his 
 reluctant signature to the articles of a gen-^ 
 eral surrender! And thus the heroes of 
 Tippecanoe, tipped up their canoe in the 
 slough of Detroit. 
 
 On the occurence of this unexpected 
 event, the whole army from the most iron 
 hearted colonel, to the most delicate naiad 
 of a washer woman that followed in its 
 train, was overwhelmed with a flood of 
 shame, and shed tears of vexation and griei. 
 It is positively asserted by Daniel Dobbin- 
 and other learned historians, whom the 
 chief of the Ghills has employed to write 
 the annals of this eventful campaign, thai^^ 
 at the moment when the general was yield- ^ 
 ing to the fear of bloodshed and starvation, 
 whole herds of cattle were gracing in the 
 fields, and the delicate mutton of those me- 
 rinos -which had unconditionally surrender-' 
 ed ta his arms, was walking on its legg 
 tinder the noses of th6 army. It has been 
 av^serted by some authors of respectable^ 
 
 .,'«-'^,-. 
 
^ 
 
 V . 
 
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 xs ^ 
 
 -^^ 
 
 ' '34 r 
 
 authority that the general had sworn a tre- 
 mendous oath^ that he would not lift a 
 jbutcher knife against an individual of the 
 merino tribe^ until their wool should arrive 
 at a degree of maturity and perfection^ ca- 
 pable of furnishing him a coat^ equal in 
 magnificence to that of his. great rival and 
 compeer in the east. Be this as it may^ 
 there are many other historians of prodi- 
 gious veracity who maintain that this very 
 signal disaster was owing to the incompe- 
 tent force of the Proclamation ; which^ it 
 is asserted; had not a single torpedo in its 
 traiu; nor even a terrestrial gun boat for its 
 assistance. However the Gulls did not in- 
 cline to give credit to the latter opinion. 
 
 Courteous and considerate reader^ pause 
 here a moment to ponder on the instabil- 
 ity of human greatness. Those very 
 Gulls who had made themselves hoarse 
 with the praises of their general^ and hadt 
 filled the very skies with his exploits^ now 
 fell upon him with unrelenting fury^ and 
 pouneed and plucked and roasted lum for 
 
 ^.'» 
 
--«•« 
 
 5-'y«> 
 
 B5 
 
 a blockhead, a coward and a traitor. So 
 emphatically true is it that pride may have 
 a fall, and that he who rides in the triumph 
 al chariot, may be upset by the jostling of 
 a stone ; 
 
 " And from the pinnacle of glory 
 ** Fall headlong into purgatory.'* 
 
 So when the general had made an end 
 of conquering Canada he sat down and 
 sang the following psalm. 
 
 Two staunch looking Hulls, 
 
 Fitted out by the Gulls, 
 A Demo, on land, and a Fed, on the Mater, 
 
 As they cruized for their game. 
 
 With their blood all on flame, 
 Made the forest to roar and the oeean to spatter. 
 
 The federal Hull 
 
 Gave chase to John Bull, 
 And was soon along side of the thundering Guerrier } 
 
 With his balls and his powder 
 
 80 thickly he ploughed her 
 She sunk a mere wreek, and the Gulls ne'er suig 
 merrier. 
 
 ,j<*»?"'*W" 
 
 
 
 »•«•'* . 
 
If 0- 
 
 i 
 
 i'^ 
 
 Lf> 
 
 36 
 
 The Demo, on laiid, 
 
 Proolamatioii iv hand. 
 Direct on fort Maiden bore down like a navy ; 
 
 There itood General Brock 
 
 In Kii way, like a rock, 
 do the Hull struck and bilged, and the cfew erie# 
 pecavi. 
 
 Now the Gulls, all aghast, 
 
 With groans fill the blast, 
 And lustily ery ** build a nayy and man it $ 
 
 And if wa mvst be guUsf 
 
 O let us be sea-gulls, 
 And give up our conquests to Bidwell and Gasnett^ 
 
 
 in 
 
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