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 1 
 
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 6 
 
■■^H 
 
 
 T. ] 
 
hvi 
 
 J'V. 
 
 YANKEE YARNS 
 
 (sifib 5^ 
 
 AND 
 
 YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 SV JPBGt HAMPETOS 
 
 (ALIAS SAM SLICK.) ' 
 
 -f AUTHOR OF ^^YAl^KEE STOEIES/ 
 
 ^TC, ETC, 
 
 COMPIJElTEm ONE VOLUME. 
 
 r 
 
 JPIjiU&elnhia- 
 
 T. B. vmmm^, m. m chestnut st«,eet. 
 
 W'l^v^* — 
 
BRnEI 
 
 
 •* 
 
 if 
 
 \ 
 
 I .» 
 
 
 Ifrinted by T. K. k P. Q. Collin.* 
 
 A 
 
 fr.:^ 
 
 :■■(* 
 
I 91 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 ir 
 
 \' 
 
 Dedication , , , , . Pago v 
 
 Preface , xi 
 
 No. I. Journal of an Actress , 17 
 
 II. letter from Cato Mignionette (the coloured 
 
 Steward) to Mr. Lavender 25 
 
 III. Do. from Captain Haltfront, of the 
 
 Regiment of Foot, to Lieut. Fugleman 31 
 
 IV. Do. from a Midshipman of H. M. S. Lap- 
 
 wing to an Officer of the Inconstant . 40 
 V. Do. from John Skinner (Butcher) to Mary 
 
 Hyde 48 
 
 "VI. Do. From one of the Society |jf Friends to 
 
 her Kinswoman 53 
 
 VII. Do. from a New Brunswicker to his Friend 
 
 at Fredericton 59 
 
 VIII. Do. from an Abolitionist to a Member of 
 
 Parliament 67 
 
 IX. Do. from- a Cadet of the Great Western to 
 
 his Mother , 79 
 
 X. Do. from a Lawyer's Clerk 80 
 
 XI. Do. fromaTravellerbeforehehadtravelled 84 
 XII. Do. from a Stoker 91 
 
 XIII. Do. from a Stockholder of the Great West- 
 
 ern to the Secretary 90 
 
 XIV. Do. from a Servant in search of a place . 103 
 
 a45€S 
 

 IV 
 
 XV. 
 XV!. 
 
 x\n. 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 XIX. 
 
 XX. 
 
 XXI. 
 XXII. 
 
 XXIII. 
 
 XXIV, 
 
 XXV. 
 
 XXVI. 
 
 XXVII. 
 XXVIII. 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Letter from a French Passenger to his Friend 
 
 in London ^^^ 
 
 Do. from an Old Hand 113 
 
 Do. from an American Citizen HT 
 
 Do. from Elizabeth Figg to John Buggins 124 
 
 Do. from the Son of a Passenger 130 
 
 Do. from the Professor of Steam and As- 
 tronomy (otherwise called the Clerk) 
 
 to the Directors 1 35 
 
 Do. from Moses Levy to Le'/i Moses 142 
 
 Do. from a Servant of a Family travelling 
 
 to Astoria • • • • 1^^ 
 
 Misdirected Letter No. 1— From a Colonist to 
 
 his Father • • • • 1^1 
 
 Misdirected Letter No. 2 — From a Colonist to 
 
 his Brother 154 
 
 Letter from a Loco Foco of New York to a 
 
 Sympathiser of Vermont 156 
 
 Do. from a Coachman on the Fail-Road 
 
 Line 164 
 
 Do. Jiom the Wife of a Settler who cannot 
 
 •settle 170 
 
 Do. from the Author 18® 
 
 ( 
 
 ii 
 
 V 
 
 s 
 
DEDICATION.' 
 
 TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 
 LORD JOHN RUSSELL. 
 
 My Lord : 
 
 Your Lordship will, no doubt, be at a loss 
 to understand how it is, that you have had the honour 
 of this dedication conferred upon you, which you had 
 so little reason to expect ; and, as you have never seen, 
 and probably never heard of, the author, must be con- 
 scious you have done so little to him to deserve ; and it 
 is but reasonable and just that I should explain the mo- 
 tives that actuated me. Dedications are mendacious 
 effusions, we all know ; md honest men begin to be 
 ashamed of them, as reflecting but little honour on the 
 author, or the patron ; but in a work of humour, an 
 avowal of the f.ruth may well find a place, and be 
 classed among the best jokes it contains. I have se- 
 lected your Lordship, then, as my Mecoenas ; not on 
 account of your quick perception of the ridiculous, or 
 your powers of humour^ but solely on account of the 
 very extensive patronage at your disposal. Your Lorc^ 
 ship is a colonial minister, and I am a colonial author ; 
 the connexion between us, therefore, in this relation is, 
 fio natural, that this work has not only a claim to your 
 protection, but a right to your support. All the world 
 will say that it is in vain for the whig ministry to make 
 1 * (v) 
 
V 
 
 %■ 
 
 VI 
 
 DEDICATION. 
 
 protestations of regard for the colonics, when the au- 
 thor of that lively book, " The Letter-Bag of the Great 
 Western," remains in obscurity in Nova Scotia, lan- 
 guishing for want of timely patronage ; and posterity, 
 that invariably does justice, (although it is, unfortunately 
 rather too late, always) will pronounce that you failed 
 in your first duty, as protector of colonial literature, 
 if you do not do the pretty upon this occasion. Great 
 men are apt to have short memories ; and it is a com- 
 mon subject of complaint with authors, that they are 
 materially injured by this defect in their organization. 
 Literary men, however, may ascribe much of the dis- 
 appointment they experience, to their own disinge- 
 nuousness. They usually begin by expressing great 
 diffidence of their own talents, and disparaging their 
 own performances, and end by extolling the acquire- 
 ments, the liberality, and the discernment of their pa- 
 trons ; and the latter generally admit the truth of both 
 these propositions, which in all that is required of them, 
 and there the matter ends. I prefer the more straight- 
 forward course of telling the truth ; and so far from de- 
 tracting from the merits of this work, and undervalu- 
 ing myself, I am bold to say, it is quite as good a book» 
 and as safe in its tendencies, as those of a certain 
 fashionable author, who found favour at the hands of 
 your party, and is therefore eminently entitled to your 
 special regard. 
 
 I have inscribed it to you, accordingly, not for the 
 purpose of paying a compliment to your Lordship, but 
 that you may have an opportunity of paying a very 
 substantial compliment to me. — Like an eastern pre- 
 sent, it is expected that it should be acknowledged by 
 one of still greater value ; and, in order that there may 
 
 4 
 
i the au- 
 he Great 
 Dtia, lan- 
 )Osterity, 
 rtunately 
 ou failed 
 terature, 
 . Great 
 s a com- 
 they are 
 nization. 
 f the dis- 
 disinge- 
 ig great 
 ing their 
 acquire- 
 their pa- 
 1 of both 
 of them, 
 straight- 
 from de- 
 idervalu- 
 l a book, 
 I certain 
 tiands of 
 i to your 
 
 )t for the 
 I ship, but 
 y a very 
 tern pre- 
 idged by 
 [lere may 
 
 vil 
 
 A 
 
 > A 
 
 i 
 
 DEDICATIOrr. 
 
 be no mistake, I beg your Lordship to understand dig. 
 tinctly, that its mciits are very great, and that the re- 
 turn should be one suitable for youi Lordship to give, 
 and me to receive ; and not such a one (as the Cana- 
 dian rebels said to Lord Durham) « as shall be unwor 
 thy of us both." Now, my Lord, I had the pleasure 
 of being m England during the coronation, and the 
 high honour of boing present at it. I will not say I 
 crossed the Atlantic on purpose, because that would 
 not be true; but I can safely say, not that I would go 
 twice as far to see anoiher, becauise that would be 
 treasonable as well as false, but that that magnificent 
 . spectacle was well worthy of the toil of going twice 
 as lar for the express and sole purpose of witnessing it. 
 I he enthusiasm and unanimity of feeling that pervaded 
 all classes of the assembled multitudes, gave a charm 
 and an influence to that gorgeous ceremony, that 
 neither rank, nor riches, nor numbers can ever bestow. 
 Upon that occasion, the customary honours, promo- 
 Jions, medals, ribbons, and royal favours, were distri- 
 buted among those of Her Majesty's subjects who were 
 supposed to be distinguished for their loyalty and de 
 votion. "^ 
 
 Few of them, however, have since shown by their 
 conduct, that they were worthy of it. Instead of be- 
 ing overwhelmed with gratitude, us I should have been, 
 had my tnerits been duly appreciated, these people 
 have filled the country with their lamentations. The 
 army complains that its rewards are by no means ade- 
 quate to its deserts. The navy proclaims, with a noise 
 resembling that of a speaking-trumpet, that it has not 
 been honoured in an equal manner with the army • 
 and the East India legions say that the navy and 
 
 I 
 
via 
 
 DEDICATION. 
 
 Queen's ♦roops have monopolized every thing that was 
 valuable, and left for therr. only enough to mark their 
 inferiority. All this is very amusing, but very ungrate- 
 ful. Pets are always troublesome. I wish them all 
 to understand, and you, too, my Lord, that the colonies 
 not only did not obtain their due share of notice, but 
 were forgotten altogether, notwithstanding the thou- 
 sands of brave and loyal people they contain. They 
 were either overlooked, amidst the numerous prepara- 
 tions for thai great event, or the cornucopia was er 
 hausted, before the hand that held it out had reached 
 half-way across the Atlantic. 
 
 Your Lordship was a strenuous advocate, in days . 
 gone by, for extending ropresentation ; and, therefore, 
 though no whig myself, I beg leave to extend this repre- 
 sentation to you, because you were not then in the 
 colonial ofRce ; and I know of no man there who will 
 inform you of the mission. To show you the want of 
 liberality in those who, for years past, have made the 
 selection of names for royal favour, it is only neces- 
 ^sary to point to the case of certain persons of colonial 
 extraction. Now these very impartial judges of merit 
 appear to have forgotten that they were advanced 
 t jfore, and already covered with honours. How much 
 more just, then, as well as more courteous, would i* 
 have been in them, to have waited for their last step, 
 until we had effected our first ! But this is not all— 
 some of them were appointed to govern a distant pro- 
 vince; then Ireland; afterwards to preside over all 
 the colonies ; and subsequently to direct the Internal 
 affairs of the nation in the Home Office. In your hu- 
 mid climate, it never rains but it pours; but in the 
 colonies, as in Egypt, it never raini at all— even the 
 
 i'' 
 
DEDICATION. 
 
 Ix 
 
 dew is wanting. How many of these honours, my 
 Lord, would these persons have rea|-)ed, had their pre- 
 decessors rerrained coloni-ts; and not phown their 
 sense and foresight, by a timely removal to a country 
 in which the lottery of life contains r.11 those brilliant 
 prizes, mstead of a mass of blanks, as with us I Wliat 
 is the necessary qualification for advancement? Ts it 
 talent and industry 1 Try the paces and bottom of th« 
 colonists, my Lord, and you wUl find they .. o not 
 wanting. Is it humbug? There are some most ac- 
 complished and precious humbugs in all the p^ evinces; 
 men who would do credit to any governmert, and 
 understand every popular pulsation, and accelerate 
 or retard its motion at will. Is it agitation? The 
 state of Canada shov/s how successful we are in the 
 exercise of that laudable vocation. Is it maintaining 
 the honours of the national flag ? The most brilliant 
 naval achievement of tiie American war ; the first that 
 occurred after a series of defeats ; and the last of the 
 same gallant style, was the act of a colonist ; and the 
 Chesapeake was condj|cted into the harbour of Halifax 
 by a native of the io^Mk Has,he ever been rewarded 
 by any of those speciar marks of favour that distin 
 guish thoser^culiarlji happy men — the sons of the free- 
 men of a little English corporation ? 
 
 We afford a wide field for the patronage of out 
 more fortunate brethren at home; and Governors, 
 Admirals, Commissioners, and Secretaries, are first 
 promoted over us, and then rewarded with further pro- 
 motion for the meritorious endurance of a five years' 
 exile among the barbarians. 
 
 Like a good shepherd, my Lord, open the gates, and 
 let down the bars, and permit us to crop some of our 
 
Z DEDICATION. 
 
 own pastures, that good food may thicken our fleeces 
 and cover our ribs; for the moanings and bleating 
 of the flock, as they stretch their heads over the fence 
 that excludes them, and regard with longing looks the 
 rich horbage, is very touching, I assure you. It does 
 not become me, my Lord, to say what I do expect for 
 myself; but if the office of distributor of honours and 
 promotions among colonists, is vacant, as there are no 
 dirties to perform, and the place is a sinecure, it would 
 suit mo uncommonly well, and afford me leisure to 
 cultivate talents that are extremely rare among the 
 race of officials. 
 
 Such a step would confer great honour on your Lord- 
 ship, and d6 me justice. Having committed so great 
 an error as to omit the colonists, on that joyous occa^ 
 sion, as if we were aliens, it would show great mag- 
 nanimity to acknowledge it now, and make reparation. 
 
 This, my Lord, is the t)bject of this dedication ; and 
 if that object be attained^ it will then be in my 
 power, shoulcj I ever agaift make my appearance be- 
 fore the public, to have something to extol besides my 
 own book, and another person^ laud besides 
 
 Youi' Lordship's most obedient 
 
 HumbJn serva W 
 
 *^ The Author. 
 Nova Scotia, Nov. 15, 1851. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 Whoever may condescend to read these elegant 
 epistles v/ili naturallj; enquire how they came into my 
 possession, and by what authority they are now given 
 to the world. The question is certainly an important 
 one, because if it shall appear that the secresy of the 
 Post-Office has been violated, there will be a « corre- 
 sponding" diminution of the confidence of the Public 
 in this department. The obvious inference is, I con- 
 fess, either that the Postmaster-General has been 
 guilty of unpardonable neglect, or that I have taken a 
 most unwarrantable liberty with his letter-bag.— Dnder 
 these circumstanc s I regret that I io not feel myself 
 authorized even in my own justification to satisfy the 
 curious realer, and that^e only reply I can give at 
 present is— Ask Spring Rice— He is a "frank" man 
 and no one that has ever hstened to his serious refuta- 
 tion of the absufi story abo\it his colleagues' whiskers, 
 can doubt that he will give the necessarj' explanation! 
 He is devoted to the cause of men •« of Letters " and 
 delights in "forwarding" their views. Whatever his 
 consistency may be, few men aim at "uniformity" so 
 much as he does. He has reduced the postage, and 
 though many persons accuse him of being "penny-wise" 
 in this matter, the result will show that it is not he but 
 the public that will be "pound-foolish" in the end. 
 This must remain therefore in an " envelope " of mys- 
 tery until he choose? to remove the « seal " of secresy, 
 
 (xi) 
 
 <hi. x 
 
Xli 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 I ■ 
 
 III 
 
 11!' 
 
 To the American reader it may be not altogether un- 
 necessary to state that " Spring Rice," like many other 
 words and terms, has a different meaning on different 
 sides of the Atlantic. In America it signifies a smrkll 
 grain raised in low land amid much irrigation, in Ire- 
 land a small man reared in boggy land amid great irri- 
 tation ; and the name of " Paddy " is common to both. 
 In the former country it assumes the shape of " arrack 
 liquor," in the latter " arack " rent In both there is 
 an adhesiveness that is valuable, and they are prized 
 on that account by a class of persons called " Cabinet 
 makers." 
 
 The Spring Rice I allude to is the man aot the 
 grain, and* as an Irishman it is " in the grain of the 
 man " to have his attention directed to " tran^orta- 
 tion." It is a national and natural trait in his character. 
 Former Governments tranquillised Ireland by trans- 
 porting men, he more humanely by transporting Let- 
 ters. Ho has thei'efore wisely connected national 
 education with national postage, for it is obvious there 
 will be few htters where oijly a few can write ind 
 read. Indeed it is natural to suppose that a people 
 who deal in "Letters" and supply tl# English market 
 will become " literary " men, and an Irishman will be 
 at no loss to copiprehend how "less fare" is fairer 
 than more, or how a whole population that are often in 
 a state of starvation can rejoice in a " reduced fare." 
 It is unkind to call this enlightened plan a " catch- 
 penny," or to stigmatize a man who is in advance of 
 the age as a post man. Equally unhandsome is it to 
 attempt to deprive him of the honour of the invention, 
 by saying the idea is borrowed from the penny maga- 
 zine, poiiny encyclopedia, and other similar works; for 
 
PRErAGE. jIJJ 
 
 it is truly Irish in its conception. If he received a hint 
 from any one, it was ffom O'Connell and his -^enny 
 
 f/n i;^ ,f^'f ^"^ ^'^^''"^ ""^^"^"^^ *h«^e should be no 
 Dubhn of postage, and that he whose care is our 
 " ways and means," should himself be careful not to be 
 "mean in his ways.»~It i« absurd to say that because 
 the postage is rendered uniform, and one letter pays no 
 more than another, the salaries of the officers should 
 be rendered uniform also, and the Postmaster-General 
 be paid no more than his Clerk. It is true, the poor 
 write few letters now, because the postage is too high 
 and that they will be induced to write extensively as' 
 soon as the penny system is adopted, and thereby to 
 forge their own chains; but they will have no rLht 
 to complam of this increased expense, because it is 
 optional with them, whether they incur it or not: the 
 only question is, whether we have not "poor writers" 
 enough already. We shall gain in quantity by this im 
 proved plan in proportion as we lose in quality, and 
 
 TlT' ' TT/u^"'''' P'"^"" ^'''''^ of a coHensed 
 ^tyle we shall have condensed letters, and in place of 
 
 diffuse composition, composition diffused. My Patron 
 
 tired of screwing the Public, will screw epistles, and 
 
 oecome King of the Penny-a-line tribe. 
 
 wrLTr^f ^^/'"^'^ r^'' '^''' '' g^^""^ t^ ^^«r that 
 writmg letters (or, as a Lord Minto would say, to prove 
 
 his knowledge of naval matters, 'sheeting it home,') 
 
 will soon become the business of life. It is easy to 
 
 ^ay of yourself that you are not at home, but not so 
 
 .3- '^'V^ f ^'''"' ^"S^'^' ^h^^h ^r« ah >ys do- 
 
 Low th Jth " ^'^^^'^ '"' ^^" ^^"-^ ^^-d writing, 
 now thai the excuse of waiting for a frank is removed. 
 
 Lovers must expect " frank" incense by mail no lonirer. 
 
IIV 
 
 PREl'ACE. 
 
 ill 
 
 \\ i 
 
 U is s«id llicro will be seven times as mnny lottors 
 wrtlen under tlie new system, as there are how 
 Wliat a prospect for a man who, like me, is dying of 
 an epistolary plethora, or, like tlio tailor in the play, 
 whose correspondence extends even to Constantinople I 
 Universal " suflbragc," I fear, will be the inevitable re- 
 sult. But he is a courteous man, is my Patron ; nay, 
 a polished man ; whence a certain paper, with similar 
 qualities, is usually called " Rice paper," to denote its 
 peculiarilieP. He will doubtless give every explana- 
 tion that is required, and if you persist, gentle reader, 
 in your desire to be further informed on this subject, 
 I can only repeat what 1 have already said, — Ask 
 
 Spring ilice. 
 
 Sir Robert Peel has cnlargct^ upon the loss ot reve- 
 nue likely to accrue from this measure, and says ho 
 objects to it, " on principle." Now, I approve of it, 
 "on interest." It may do very well for him who has 
 all his correspondence franked, to talk in this style ; 
 but what are poor Colonists to do, who never saw a 
 member of parliament, or a frank either? Although 
 no whig, I desire an extension of the * Frank'-chise. 
 The only objection I make to the measure is, that there 
 is any postage at all; and I hold that while the 
 f schoolmaster is abroad," a good government should 
 carry our letters for nothing. It is idle for the ad- 
 ministration to talk of encouraging emigration, while 
 they impose a tax on the transmission of every " mail." 
 High postage precludes all 'correspondence. It is, as 
 a lady of my acquaintance most delicately calls it, a 
 •• preventive check" to what Joseph Hume, with his 
 usual accuracy of language, terms " pen-urism." It 
 
Kfl<»AO«.. 
 
 IV 
 
 has puzzled some people most amazingly to know, if 
 all the pennies go for postage, where the " rint" is to 
 come from; but that is their aflair and not mine, and 
 I give notice that unless my letters are carried " free," 
 I^ shall agitate for a repeal of the Union "with Nova 
 Scotia." It is no answer to me that " single" letters 
 are to be rated only at one penny. What are to be- 
 come of "double cntendros?" and what reason is there 
 that wit should bo taxed ? Nor am I better satisfied to 
 find that there is to be an in<5rea8e in the scale, pro- 
 portioned to the weight of the letters. This will fall 
 particularly heavy on me, whoso letters have always 
 great weight in them. I am for going the hog— the 
 whole hog— and nothing but the hog. 
 
 In justice to my friend Captain Claxton, and the 
 Board of Directors at Bristol (from whom, upon a 
 recent occasion, when personally suggesting the pro- 
 priety and discussing the feasibility of establishing a 
 steam communication with Nova Scotia, I received 
 the most friendly and courteous treatment), I ought to 
 state that I was myself one of the passengers on 
 board of the Great Western during the voyage when 
 this letter-bag was made up ; indeed, as a corpulent 
 man, I may add, with more truth than vanity, « quorum 
 magna pars fui." From my personal experience, there- 
 fore, I can say that the writers of several of these 
 letters have drawn largely upon their imagination, and 
 that I should feel that I neither did justice to its enter- 
 prising and meritorious owners, nor to my own feel- 
 ings, if I did not avail myself of this opportunity to 
 express my unqualified approbation of this noble ship, 
 the liberal provision for the comfort of the passengers, 
 
XVI 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 
 and my admiration of the skill, unremitting attention 
 and urbanity of its commander. Captain Hoskins ^ill 
 doubtless feel much astonished to account for the mode 
 by which I became possessed of these letters ; but I 
 trust he knows me too well to require any other ex- 
 planation than what I have already given — Ask 
 Spring Rice. 
 
 \ i 
 
YANKEE YARNS 
 
 AND 
 
 YANKEE LETTEKS. 
 
 I 
 
 No. I. 
 
 THE JOURNAL OF AN ACTRESS. 
 
 Dear Laura — Instead of writing you a letter, I 
 send you the leaves of my Atlantic Journal. 
 
 22d March. — Every actress that visits America, 
 plays her part in a Journal : vsrhy shouldn't poor little 
 me ? How I loathe that word actress ! it is heartless, 
 made up, artificial, imitative, a thing without a soul ; 
 but such is life. We call a fool a natural, the more 
 fools we for doing so. My Journal shall at least be 
 mme own— not the utterance of the thoughts of others. 
 
 Bonneted— band-boxed— packed up — and packed 
 off. Steamed down the river (what an unpoetical word 
 is that steam !) in a small crazv craft, to where our 
 most (read spacious for gracious) queen of the seas, 
 the Great Western, lay to receive us. Nothing can 
 exceed the beauty of the scenery on the river. Pro 
 •#Pn^ ''^alls of carboniferous lime-rock (what a beau 
 tiful Bndgewater-treatise-word that carboniferous ia! 
 
 2* (17) 
 
'i'iH i 
 
 ■ 'M 
 
 lf!li! \ 
 
 18 YANKEB YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERX. 
 
 how Greenough and Buckland and geological-like il 
 sound-, ' iiad it been manufactured at Birmingham it 
 woula have been carbony,) rise in precipitous boldness 
 and majestic grandeur, to a height of three hundred 
 feet above the water-mark ; after which, the country, 
 crradually laying aside its armour and emerging from 
 Us embattlements, assumes the more pleasing and gen- 
 tle forms of sloping hills, verdant glades, and arable 
 fields. *Tis the estate surrounding the Keep, the 
 watch-tower, and the castle ; the warrior withm— the 
 peasant and the shepherd without. 
 
 At one point we passed the site of the intended aerial 
 bridge, a bold conception— too bold and too grand ever 
 to have sprung from the muddy heads of the Cranes 
 and Bitterns of Bristol. A rope waved gracefully 
 across the yawning chasm, so slender and so small as 
 to resem> e the silken thread of the spider, who is the 
 first and best of Nature's architects and bridge builders. 
 It was almost an ideal line, it was so tiny. Jt would 
 have passed for a mathematical one if it had been 
 straight, it was so imaginary; but slight as it was, it 
 afforded a secure support for a basket contain ng two 
 pasiengers, who were thus conveyed with the rapidity 
 of birds from one of the precipitous banks to the other. 
 It was Ariel and his companion descendmg on a sun- 
 beam.— It was a pretty idea, and I ^jouldn't help say- 
 ing so, when an American observed— I once hailed a 
 steamboat on the Mississippi and asked the usua ques- 
 tion— "Where are you from?" to which the skipper 
 replied—" from Heaven." " How did you come from 
 there"?" '^ I greased the seat of my trowsers and slid 
 down on a rainbow !" " What a barbarian !" I cried 
 with vexation— it dashed away at one rude blow all the 
 creations of my fancy. How I hate those Rapublicans, 
 thev are so gross, so unimaginative, so barbarous ! It a 
 rav of light, a spark* of divinity ever penetrates their 
 cavernous minds, it is like applying the lamp to the 
 fire-damps oi the 
 
 SUuiCiiaucOua 
 
 nTT /I Q xr <-• f I r»n e - 
 
 l!!H 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 19 
 
 plodes and destroys both. Stifl my attention was 
 riveted, I fear that word is shoppy ,~I think it is 
 blunting the end of a nail after it is driven in, to pre- 
 vent Its extraction-I like etymology, and will ask my 
 brother to-morrow : if it is so, I " transport him for 
 hie ) my attention was attracted, I should rather say. 
 by the sudden stoppage of this little mimic balloon in 
 nJ^.d^yay, when a cheer was given from this winged 
 chariot of the sky, and a musket was discharged, the 
 quick, sharp report of which was echoed and rever- 
 berated for some minutes among the rocks and caverns 
 ot this stupendous gorge. When the last sounds faded 
 on our ears, a deafening cheer was returned from our 
 steamer with hearty good will, and we passed on. How 
 animating is this cheer, so uifTerent from the vile clap- 
 ping of hands of the odious theatre ! oh th- : mv ears 
 may never again be profaned by that gas-light, heart- 
 less, unmeaning welcome ! . . . . Came on board . . . 
 fhT'^t:^ niob-how I hate them-descended into 
 the—what !— Gracious Heavens into the saloon i— 
 must we carry with us the very phraseology of the 
 house .---Shall Drury persecute me herel-fhaH the 
 vision of the theatre be always present! oh spare me! 
 I. see the spectres of the real saloon of that vile house 
 rise up before me-the gentlemen blackguards-the 
 lady courtezans. I rushed into my cabin, coffeed 
 wmed, and went to bed sobbincr, ^ ' coneea, 
 
 hnnni/"'^'^''* ' • *^^y • • • "^^^ ^^^^ saloon has 
 haun 8d me ever since .... rose in the evening-pet- 
 
 ticoated, shawled gloved, and went and took a last 
 
 free"'"oh'th f ^ ^"/!'"^' '\' ^^"^ ^^ "^^^ brave and 
 free -oh tha word last-the last look, last sigh, last 
 
 death, of disembodied spirits-of the yawninr? grave 
 I^ lets dow.. the strings; it untune, the miid^: Twa^ 
 
 2r^"fh U'"' '' '^ "^y b^^^h^^' I was compar™ 
 f",ltV:j^l'„l"\?.^""¥,^^ that L.I 
 
 '~' "-=•-»'« =^, wjiun chat oaious American brake in. 
 
; I 
 
 
 1 
 
 w\ 
 
 20 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTER^, 
 unasked with h-s " sentiment "—" Yes, female," said 
 rrbeasl "at he is, why did he not say " she -e" at 
 once '( It is more animal hke, more beautified even 
 Uian his expression-" Yes, female, I say damn the last 
 oo? as the shoemaker did when he tried to atra^bten 
 himself UP. after having worked upon it all day. I 
 thoug t of dear Lord S., how he would have expired 
 exhaid, evaporated at such an illustration and then I 
 sicrhed that 1 had seen him too for the last time. 
 
 °24th. Furious gale-the spirit of the great deep is 
 unchained, and is%aging in ^""ous strides over the 
 world of waters. The mountains rise up to impede 
 him, and the valleys yawn at his feet to receive him. 
 The ocean heaves 'beneath his footsteps, and the clouds 
 flv in terror from his presence, the hghtmng gleams 
 vvUh demoniac flashes to illumine his terrific visage, 
 and the thunder is the intonation of his voice. Sheeted, 
 blanketed, and quilted, I remain enveloped m he dra 
 nerv of my bed, my thougi.ts looking back into the 
 K and^Umidi; adventuring to peep into the future 
 for some ereen spot (oh that dreadful theatre, I had 
 nea rwntten Gr^een Room) to pitch its tent upon to 
 stretch itself out by the cool fountain and-luxuriate. 
 
 25th. The tempest is past, but we heave and pitch 
 and roll like a drunken thing, groaning, straining, 
 creaking.-The paroxysm is past, but the palpitations 
 have nft subsided; the fit is over, but the muscular 
 contractions still continue.-It is the heaving chest jhe 
 convulsed breath, the pulsations that remain after the 
 storm of the passions has passed away. 
 
 26th. Rose, toileted and went on deck: what a lovely 
 sisht ' The sea lay like a mirror, reflecting the heavens 
 on its smooth and polished surface. -Light clouds far 
 away in the horizon look like the snow-capt summits 
 of the everlasting hills, placed there to -.onfine this sea 
 of molten dass within its own dominion, while distant 
 vessels with their spiral masts and silvery drapery 
 rise from its suriuce, ukc spima ui »!« «vvp, •.--....-. - 
 
YANKEE VARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 21 
 
 look upon and woo the gentle Zephyrs. — Sea-nymphs 
 spreading their wings and disporting on their liquid 
 meadows after their recent terro" and afiright. Thev 
 seem like ideal beings — *houghto . a versing the mind— 
 shadows or rather bright lights—emanations perhaps, 
 rather than self-oxistences — immaterialities — essences 
 —spirits in the moonlight. — Wrote jouinal— mended a 
 pair of silk stockings, hemmed a pocket-handkerchief, 
 night-capped and went to bed — to dream — to idealize 
 — to build aerial castles, to get the hysterics, and to 
 sleep. 
 
 27th. Altered my petticoats, added two inches for 
 Boston puritans and Philadelphia quakers, took off two 
 for the fashionables of New York, three for Baltimore, 
 and made kilts of them for New Orleans. — Asked 
 Steward for books: he brought me " the life of corporal 
 Jabish Fish, a hero of the American revolution, in five 
 volumes," put it in my journal, a good sto^ 7 for Lord 
 
 W , who is a hero — chattered — sung and gerrfian- 
 
 ized with General T (not conversed, for no Ameri- 
 can converses, he proses, sermonises or pamphleteers). 
 
 — Toddy'd, poor dear Sir A taught me that, and 
 
 I wish he were here to " brew " for me now, as he 
 used to call it. — There certainly is inspiration in whis- 
 key, and when temperance opened the door, poetry tooK 
 flight, and winged its way to heaven. It is no longer 
 an inhabitant of earth— ah me, we shall hold high con- 
 verse with angel spirits no more. It is all Brummagem 
 now — all cheap and dirty like its coaches — Bah I 
 
 28th. General T says, he is glad I did not marry 
 
 before I left England, for Vestris doing so was taken 
 as a quiz on the starched Yankees. — Mem, wont marry 
 on board, and if I take a republican may the devil tal^e 
 
 me without salt, as the Marquis of W says — I wish 
 
 I Vvo-re a man, an Englishman though, for men choose, 
 women are chosen — to select is better than to be 
 selected, which is bazaar-like.— What's the price of 
 that pretty bauble?— Ah, I like it, send it home, play 
 
22 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE I,ETTERS. 
 
 with it, get tired, throw it aside, no ha^rn in that, to bo 
 scorned is nothing, it is pleasant to scorn back again, 
 but to be supplanted, ah, there is the rub. I have a 
 head-ache; the billow for my rlllow, I will be a child 
 again and be rocked to sleep. 
 
 29th. A shout on deck, all hands rushed up, what a 
 strange perversion of terms is this. It is a waterspout : 
 how awful! The thirsty cloud stooping to invigorate 
 itself with a draught of the sea; opening itS huge 
 mouth and drinking, yet not even deigning to wait for 
 it, but gulping it as it goes— we fire into it and it 
 vanishes, its watery load is returned, and Mike the 
 baseless fabric of a vision, it leaves no wreck behind. 
 —It is one of ' the wonders of the great deep.' That 
 rude shock has dispelled it. Thus is it in life. The 
 sensitive mind releases its grasp cf the ideal whin it 
 oomes in co:tact with grossnoss. It shrinks within it- 
 self. It rf;treats in terror. Yet what a wonderful 
 sight i* is ! how nearly were we engulphed, swallowed 
 up, and carried into the sky to be broken to pieces in 
 our fall, as the sea-mew feeds on the shell-fish by dash- 
 ing it to pieces on a rock.— Oh that vile American! he 
 too has imitated the scene '. he has broken my train of 
 [thought by his literal and grovelling remark. « Well 
 1 vow, female, what an everlastin' noise it lets oft its 
 water with 1" I wonder if they hiss in America : surely 
 not, for if they did such fellows as this would learn 
 better manners— wrote iournal- frenchified my frock 
 to please the New Yorkers - -nh booted— un stay 'd, and 
 snuggled up like a kittf.i bee. t. * 
 
 30th. Sat on the deck, sad and musing. Uropt 
 some pieces of paper overboard— wondered whither 
 thev went. Will they wander many days on the w ater, 
 and then sinki Thought A my journal'; it would be 
 like them, a little scrap on the great sea of literature, 
 floating its brief day ; and then, alas ! sinking to rise 
 no mofe. Saturated, its light pages will float no longer, 
 but be consigned, like them, to an early grave ; but 1 
 
 ^:ii 
 
 ill 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTE:.S. 23 
 
 have had my day, which is more than ovflry * female,* 
 as the Americans call us, has had ; and who knows but 
 my book may be as well received ? — Bah ! how I loathe 
 that theatrical expression I as popular — that, too, omells 
 of the shop ; ah ! I have it — as much the ion — howso- 
 ever. 
 
 31st. Pottered on Jeck all day, with General T. 
 and my brother. The former talked of the prairies, 
 till I dreamed all night of the fat bulls of Bashan, snu 
 the buffaloes of the plain. 
 
 1st April. General T. advises me not to take my 
 servant to the table.- as it ic saiJ Mrs. Matthews did at 
 Saratoga; for so far from these republicans liking 
 equality, they are the most aristocratic people in the 
 world. Whai a puzzle is man ! Poor dear Lord Czar, 
 with all his raJical notions, is the proudest ''ot his 
 order" of any peer of the realm. Indeed, pride is th ^ 
 root of all democracy. Show me a tory, and I will 
 show you a rational lover of freedom ; show me a 
 radical, and I will show you a tyrani. If the Ameri- 
 cans boast so much of their equality, os to exclude 
 from their vocabulary tJ.e word 'servant,' and substi- 
 tute that of * help,' why should they object to those 
 'helps,* helping them to eat their dinnerj? It parses 
 the understanding of poor little me— how I wish some 
 one would explain all things to me ! 
 
 2d. My brother was so-so, to-day, after dinner ; but 
 wine makes him brilliant and witty— and why should 
 I be ashamed to note it? It was the sons, and not the 
 sisters of Noah (merry old soul) that walked back- 
 wards and covered him, when ne was too oblivious 
 with the juice of the grape, to recollect such vulgar 
 things as clothes.— Read, Italianed— stitched a raw 
 chemisette. 
 
 3d. How this glorious steamer wallops, and gaiiops, 
 and flounders along ! she goes it like mad. Ts motion 
 is unlike that of any living thing I know ; puffing like 
 a porpoise, breasting the waves like a sea-horse, and 
 
24 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 ii 
 
 H.^Hi 
 
 
 ^1 ! 
 
 ■ 
 
 r 
 
 
 1 
 
 at times skimming the surface like a bird. It possesses 
 th^ joint powers of the tenants of the air, land, and 
 water, and is superior to them all. All night we had 
 a glorious, splendent, silvery moon. The stars were 
 bright, though feeble, hiding their diminished heads be- 
 fore their queen, enthroned in all her majesty. What 
 an assemblage of the heavenly hosts ! — how grand — 
 how sublime ! It is a chaste beauty is the moon, beau- 
 tiful, but cold ; inspiring respect, admiration, and so on, 
 but not love — not breathing of passion. It is a melan- 
 choly feeling that it raises in the beholder ; like a pale 
 Grecian face, that calls up emotiois of tenderness, but 
 no ardour; and excites interest, but not transport. 
 Which is the best, the inflammatory sun, or the chilly 
 moon ? — midway, perhaps, " in medio tutissimus ibis," 
 as dear Lord B. used to say, whenever he threaded 
 my needle for me. I will potter with General T. about 
 it. He looks moon-struck, himself. Tead, suppered, 
 champaned, tidied myself for bed, and, I fear, snored. 
 
 4th. How I hate the saloen! I will join the Yan- 
 kees, and spit upon it. How vulgar are all these gaudy 
 decorations of a steamer ! Why should we pander to 
 the bad tabte of a mob for filthy lu?re — why not lead 
 instead of following — dictate, instead of submitting? 
 Are we, too, become democratic ; and must the voice 
 of the majority rule. Oh for an hour of that dear 
 little villa" of Lord B.'s ! what taste, what fitness of 
 things to purposes, what refinement, what delicacy — 
 oh, for a snuff of its classic air — for half a yard of its 
 Parnassian sky ! How he would be annihilated by a 
 voyage in this boat — howsoever. 
 
 5th. A dies non, <ts the new Judge used tc call it 
 when non se ipse. 
 
 6th and 7th. Ditto, as the shop-keepers say. 
 
 8th and 9th. The same as yesterday, as the doctors 
 say. 
 
 lOtb and 11th. No better, as the bulletins say. 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 25 
 
 12th and 13th. As well as can be expected, as the 
 nurses say. 
 
 14th. I was asked to-day if ever I had been in 
 love — I know not — what is Love ? The attraction of 
 two etherial spirits — sympathy — but these spirits are 
 only seen through mortal coil. The worm feeds and 
 battens where love has revelled. Can we love what 
 corruption claims as its own? Do we not mistake 
 natural impulses for this divine feeling ? What a pity 
 Love clogvS his wings with sweets, becomes sated — 
 tired — soured. Platonic love is nearer perfection — it 
 has m.ore reason and less passion, more sentiment and 
 less grossness. To love is to worship — with my body I 
 thee worship — but that is not love, it is desire — with 
 my soul I thee worship — but that is idolatry. If we 
 worship with neither body nor soul, what is love? 
 Lips ! can it reside in them ? the breath may be bad — 
 the teeth unsound — the skin erysipelatous. Bah ! Love 
 a leper ? What is Love then ? It is a phantom of the 
 mind — an hallucination — an i.ornis fatuus, Will-of-the- 
 Wisp. Touch it, and it dissolves — embrace it, and a 
 shadow fills your arms— speak, and it vanishes. Alas, 
 Love is not ! Howsoever — went to bed — wept for 
 vexation like a child, and when wearied with sobbing, 
 slept. 
 
 15th. Land ahead — a strange land too — yes, though 
 they speak English, a foreign land — the domain of the 
 rebellious Son who mutinied and fought his parent. 
 Can, I ask myself, can a blessing attend such an un- 
 natural attempt — nous verrons. The pilot is on board : 
 what are the first questions? the price of cotton and 
 tobacco. They are traders — are the Yankees ; and I 
 hate trade, its contracted notions and petty details. I 
 think I see Lord B. turn in scorn from the colloquy, 
 his fine aristocratic face expressive of intellectual con- 
 tempt at such sordid calculations. Would that he 
 were here, that we might retire to the cabin and have 
 a reading of Shakspeare together, drink at the iii' 
 
26 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 spired fount, and philosophise on men and things ; Int 
 alas, he is gone where ill must go ! and 1 have gone 
 where none would wish to go ! roor little me ! Thus 
 endeth the last day of the steamer. 
 
 Yours always, 
 
 Mary Cookb. 
 
 
 tlil ! 1 
 
 No. II. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM CATO MIGNIONETTE (THE COLOURED 
 STEWARD) TO MR. LAVENDER. 
 
 My dear Labknder — 
 
 Since I ab de pleasure to see you on board de 
 Lady Jackson liner, I leave de line myself, and now is 
 on bord de Great. Western steam-boat, ob which I ab 
 de command. You ab seen Fourth-July-day, Mr. La- 
 bcnder ; well, he no touch to it ; and you ab seen de 
 great New York mob to pull down colou-ed people's 
 housen ; well, dat not noting to it necder : and you ab 
 see de great tire ; well, de crowd dcrc not fit to hold a 
 candle to it. Oh! you nebcr! but I tell you more by 
 and by. 
 
 We hab one hnnder and ten passenger, big and lee- 
 tle, and some damn big ones dere is too, which is more 
 dan steward can provide for giiiteelly ; and my 
 
 servants do gib me worry grei t trouble, so dey do. 
 First I hab all English ; well, dc English werry stupid, 
 worry sarcv, and lazy as de debil : you can't beat no- 
 ting into dere dam tick heads, and dey is too eavy 
 heeled for servants; so I jist discharge em all: I 
 wouldn't ab dom if dey work for noting, de great good 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 27 
 
 for notin^^luhbers ; and I ire coloured people in de?e 
 plaice. Day vveri-y much more better dmn de traslj ob 
 whites ; but still dey no please me, for I neber like to 
 see de grass grow under de feet ob dc waiters, and 
 dere is^too many for me to look arter all alone myself. 
 De Captain he nian-o'-war buccra, and dey is all 
 cussed stiff, and most too big men fore dere breeches ; 
 and when he walky de deck, he only see de stars and 
 de sun; he no see cie ship an de passenger, but leab all 
 to me, which give me an everlastin sight ob trouble. 
 He ought to come aixl help me at de bar hissef, so he 
 had ought; but he too proud for dat, and so is all dem 
 what has de swab on de shoulder, — and proper hard 
 bargain de queen hab of some of dem too, I tell you, 
 Mr. Labender. By Golly I but I most wore out, and 
 dat is de truth. Steward here, and steward df re, and 
 steward ebery where ! Well, I say, « coming, sar !' but 
 I takes care neber to come to none at all, and when 
 dey is tired ob calling dey come ob demselves to me, 
 and find out to de last it would be ebery bit as good 
 for em to hab com at first and sabe dere wind to cool 
 dere soup wid. But I makes sception ob de Ladies, de 
 dear critturs: I do lub em, and likes to tend on em, 
 dey is so helpleso, poor tings. But one ting I must say, 
 and dat is, de white ladies d . lub werry stifl^' grog, 
 werry stifle, indeed, Mr. Labender : you ab no notion 
 ob it, no more den a child. ♦ Steward, a leetle weak, 
 werry leelle weak brandy and water; but mind and 
 let him be werry weak.' Yes marm, I say, and away 
 I goes to mix it. Poor leetle tings, I knows werry 
 well what werry weak means ; it means half and half, 
 jist as I likes him mysef. Well, when I takes it to de 
 lady, she makes a face like de cabbage-leaf, all puck- 
 ery, puckery, wrinkely, wrinkely ; and arter eber so 
 leetle ob a swig at it, she gibs him back agin to me: 
 *0h! steward!' she say, 'how could yaw! dat is too 
 trong; put in a leetle drop more water, dat is a good 
 steward.' Well, I knows what dat means, too : so I 
 
28 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 goes back and puts in one glass brandy more, and two 
 lumps ob dc sugar more, and stir him up well wid de 
 spoon, and gib him a leetle nutmeg for de flavour: try 
 dat, marm, I say ; see how you like him ; I most feur 
 he too weak now. ♦ No, steward,' she say, and she 
 smile werry sweet, de leetle dear ; * dat will do werry 
 well, now ; dat jist right, now. Always take care to 
 mix my brandy and water weak, for I isn't used to 
 him trong, and he gets into my head.' Yes, marm, I 
 say ; now 1 knows your gage, I fit you exacaly to a 
 T, marm. De dear leetle critturs, de grog he do warm 
 em hearts, and brighten dc eye, and make him werry 
 good natured. I knows dat by mysef ; I always feels 
 better for de stiff glass ob grog. Poor leetle tings, but 
 dey do like him werry stiff, werry stiff, indeed ; it is 
 actilly astonishin how stiff dey do takes him. 
 
 As to de men passengers, I always let him shift for 
 demselves, for dere isn't werry few ob dem is real su- 
 perfine gentlemen, but jist refidge a leetle warnished 
 ober de surface, lik all pretence. Dey all make him 
 believe dat dey knc • wine ; when, dam em, dere isn't 
 hardly none ob em i.now him by name even. One buc- 
 cra says, ' Steward, I can't drink dis wine ; it is werry 
 poor stuff. What de debil do you mean by gibbin me 
 sich trash as dis? he no fit to drink at all: change him 
 direcaly, and gib me some dat is fit for a gentleman.' 
 Well, I takes up de wine, and looks at him werry 
 knowin, and den whisper in his ear, not to speak so 
 loud, lest ebery body hear ; and I put de finger on my 
 nose, and nods; and I goes and brings him anoder 
 bottle ob de werry identical same wine, and he taste 
 him, smack his lip, and say, ' Ah ! dat is de wine, stew- 
 ard ! Always bring me dat wine, and I remember you 
 when I leab de ship.' Hush ! I say, massa ; not so 
 .•oud, sir, if you please, for der ' only a vi'erry few 
 bottles ob dat are wine, and I keep him for you ; for I 
 sees you knows de good wine when you sees him, 
 which is Hiore nor most gentlemen does. Dey is cus- 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 29 
 
 sed stupid is, dem whites, and werry conceited, too, 
 Mr. Labender; but dere is noting like lettin him hab 
 his own war. Oen dey all speak diilerent language. 
 One man i ." mchman: well, he calls steam-boat, 
 " bad toe :" tie German, he call him, " dam-shift-fard." 
 One calls a plate, " as yet;" anoder name him, " skelp 
 eye ;" and de tird man call him, " taller ;" and de fort 
 say, "platter;" and ebery one amost hab a different 
 word for him. Dere is no makin head or tail ob em, 
 no how : I don't try no more now at all — I only gib de 
 head a shake, and pass on. 
 
 We hab got too many masters, here, Mr. Labender, 
 a great deal too many. Now, when I was been in de 
 line packet, sir, and want urn pitcher, I go captain, 
 and say. Captain, I want um pitcher, and he say wer- 
 ry well, Mr. Mignionette, (he neber call me steward, 
 like de sarcy, proud man-o-war buccras do) werry 
 well, Mr. Mignionette, den buy um ; and I buys um 
 for one dollar, and charge him one dollar and half— de 
 hah dollar for de trouble, and leetle enough it is, too ; 
 for crockery he werry brittle— so far, so good. Now 
 when I has occasion, I go captain, and say, I want um 
 pitcher, sir. Werry well, steward, he say, make a re- 
 port in writing. Den I goes and makes a report for 
 pitcher in writing tor de skipper ; and skipper he makes 
 anoder report to de great captain in Bristol ; and dat 
 captain, he call togeder de great big directors — plaguy 
 rich men they is, too, I tell you, and he read my report 
 to de skipper, and skipper report to him, and dey all 
 make speeches round de table, as they does in congiess, 
 and if dey is in good humour it is voted — yes, I ab 
 him. Den captain he send for clerk, and clerk he issue 
 order for pitcher to some dam white feller or anoder, 
 to Bristol, who send me one worth a dollar, and charge 
 um. boat two dollar for him. Well, company lose half 
 dollar, I lose half dollar, and all lose a great deal of 
 time. ^ Werry bad derangement dat, sir, werry bad, 
 indeed ; for dere is too much c^eenery in it to work 
 3 * ■ . • 
 
I. "il 
 
 
 30 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 well. By-and-by dey find out too many cooks spoil de 
 broth, or else I knows noting — dats all. 
 
 Den dey holds me sponsible for all de plate, which 
 is not fair, bv no manner o means at all, is such a mob 
 of scaly whites as we ab o^ board ; and where ebery 
 man is taken what pays passage ; and sometimes dcm 
 white fellers is no better nor him should be, I tell you. 
 Toder day I sell some small ting to de outlandish jew 
 who no speak wcrry good English ; and I goes into 
 his cabin, and I say, come, massa, I say, our voyage 
 ober now; him pilot on board, so you fork out, massa, 
 if you please. Well, he sta.red likJ a shy horse— what 
 dat you say ? says he. You fork out, now, massa, I 
 say. Den he goes round, and he bolt de door; and 
 den he say, I give you one sovereign, steward, if you 
 no mention it. Oh ! I say, I neber mention him, massa, 
 neber fear, and I is werry much obliged to you, sir, 
 worry much indeed. Den he say, here is de forks, and 
 he gives me back three silver forks. I tookt um by 
 mistake, he say, and I hope you no mention him. On, 
 ho ! says I to myself, is dat de way de cat jumps now ; 
 I see how de land lay — I come jew over you, my boy 
 — my turn come now. Four sovereigns more, massa, 
 and steward he keep mum ; and if you no pay de 
 money, I go bring captain, passenger, and ebery one. 
 Well, him sovereign break him heart amost, '^ut he 
 shell him out, for all dat, afore I go ; one— two— three 
 — four — five sovereigns. All's right now, massa, I 
 say ; dat is what I calls " forking out." Jist as I turns 
 for to goe, he say, how you know I ab um, steward — 
 any body tell you? Oh, massa, I say, I know de tief 
 so far as I see him. When I clap eyes on you fust, by 
 gosh I know you for one ob dem dam rascals — no 
 mistake, massa ; face neber tell um lie — he always 
 speaky de truth. I hab to keep my eyes about me all 
 de time, Mr. Labender, I tell you ; and de command 
 of dis ship is too great fatigue for one man ; dey must 
 give rne soine oflicers under me, or I resign my place 
 
>/ - 
 
 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 31 
 
 and throw him up, and return to de line again, which 
 is more selecter and better company as steamboats 
 has. 
 
 Please to ab de goodness to make my respects to 
 Miss Labender, and to all de young ladies to home, 
 who, I hopes to have de happiness to see in good health 
 and spirits, when I ab opportunity to wisit dem, which 
 appears werry long indeed since I hab— almost an age. 
 I take de liberty to send a pair of most superfine stock- 
 ings, of de flesh-colour silk, of de newest fashion, for 
 each of de young ladies, which I hope dey will do 
 me de honour to wear in remembrance of me ; and 
 now I be, 
 
 My dear Labender, 
 
 Your most obedient help, 
 
 CaTO MiGNlONETTE. 
 
 No. III. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM CAPTAIN HALTFRONT, OF THE . 
 
 REGIMENT OF FOOT, TO LT. FUGLEMAN. 
 
 My Dear Fugleman — 
 
 You will naturally enquire how I like the Great 
 Western, the speed and splendour of which has been 
 th<3 theme of every newspaper, for the last year, and 
 will, perhaps, be somewhat surprised to read the ac- 
 count I am now about to give you. I own that I fear 
 my narrative will appear to you as the production of 
 a disordered mind, the effusion of low spirits, and an 
 irritable disposition ; and that you will regard me as 
 the voluntary victim of a morbid sensibility. I wish, 
 
82 YANKEE T'ARNS AUD YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 for my own sake, that tliis were the case, and that the 
 day might arrive when I could look back upon the de- 
 gradation and misery I have recently endured, as only 
 itnaginary. But, alas ! my dear fellow, it is no phan- 
 tom of the brain, but a sad reality — reality do I say, 
 It falls far, very far short of the reality which no words 
 can paint — no })en describe. There are some things 
 connected with the Great Western which, I am aware, 
 atlect^)eoplc diHercnlly, who are placed under different 
 circumstances from each otiier. For instance, st .am- 
 navigation may be all very well for those whose ob- 
 ject is business? but mine happens lO be pleasure; or, 
 for those who are in a hurry, which I am not; or, for 
 such as considering time to be money, are desirous of 
 economising it; but I wish to spend both, and to spend 
 tlicm agi-eoably. To me, therefore, to whom none of 
 these considerations apply, it is an unmitigated evil. 
 
 My Hrst disappointment, and one which gave me 
 an early intimation of much of the misfortune that was 
 in store for me, was not enjoying as 1 had hoped, from 
 the payivient o'" forty-two sovereigns, the exclusive oc- 
 cupation of my state room. This is indispensable, I 
 will not say to comfort, but to common decency. 1 
 have the honour and pleasure of having a most delecta- 
 ble chum, who, besides many minor accomplishments, 
 chews tobacco, spits furiously, talks through his nose, 
 and snores like a Newfoundland dog. Many of his 
 habits are too oilensive even to mention, and you may 
 therefore easily imagine what the endurance of them 
 for twenty-two days must have been. He constantly 
 uses my towels instead of his own. Whenever he 
 brushes' his hair (which I believe he never dressed be- 
 fore) he uses my clothes-brush, and I am compelled to 
 refrain from that appropriated to my teeth, under an 
 apprehension that it has sufl'ered a similar contamina- 
 tion. He is dreadfully sea-sick, and he is either too 
 indolent or too ignorant to make use of the ordinary 
 appliances. His'boots arc made of villanous leather, 
 
^;ontr.mina- 
 
 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 33 
 
 nnd actually poison mc ; and lo add to my distress, he 
 invariably draws back his curtain that he may amuse 
 himself by inspecting, at his leisure, the process of 
 my toilette. .Bad as the air of my room is, I cannot 
 venture at night to open my cabin-door, for the pur- 
 pose of ventilation ; for the black servants sleep on the 
 floor of the saloon, and the effluvia is worse tnan that 
 of a slaver. Driven from my d'^nnitory at daylight, 
 I resort to the poop-deck, to enjoy a little fresh air, 
 but here I am met by a host of snobs and foreigners, 
 who smoke incessantly. Stifled by the fumes of to- 
 bacco, which I never could endure even when wcjU 
 and ashore, I am soon compelled , in order to save my 
 life, to dive again into the saloon. In the descent, 1 
 find myself involved in the eddies and whirlpools of a 
 mob of some hundred an4 twenty passengers, hurry- 
 ing to breakfast, where cold tea, hard biscuits, greasy 
 toast, stale eggs, and mountains of cold meat, the in- 
 tervening valleys of which are decorated with beef- 
 steaks floating in grease, await me to tempt my deli- 
 cate appetite. \V ^'ters, who never wait, and servants, 
 who order every thing, and though deaf, are nevcT 
 dumb, fly from one end of the saloon to the other in 
 terrific haste, that '^reatens to overturn every one that 
 happens unfortunately to be in their way. Vociferous 
 claims for attendance that is never given, and the stil! 
 louder response of " coming sir," from him that never 
 comes, the clatter of many dishes, the confusion of 
 many tongues, the explosion of soda bottles, the rattle 
 of knives and forks, the uproarious laugh, the ferocious 
 OPth, the deep-toned voice of the steward, and the 
 shrill, discordant notes of the mulatto women, create a 
 confusion that no head can stand and no pen describe. 
 It is absolutely appalling. The onslaught, however, is 
 soon over, the carnage cea^js, and the hosts retire ; 
 but what a rabble rout — hurry scurry, pell mell, helter 
 skelter, to secure priority, to book yourself for — but I 
 cannot go on — it cannot be named. Distressed, de- 
 
1 
 
 ! 
 
 Hi 
 
 34 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 jected and ill, I return to the vacant saloon, when lol 
 two Africans, each bearing immense piles of plates, 
 commencG dealing them out like experienced whist 
 players, and with a rapidity that is perfectly astonish- 
 ing. These are followed by two others, who pitfch, by 
 a sleight of hand, the knives and forks into their resptvi- 
 live places, like quoiis, and with equal accuracy, it 
 is preparation for lunch — the gong sounds, and the 
 stream of passengers pours down the hatch-way again, 
 with a rush similar to that of shipping a sea. The 
 wave rolls fore and aft, and then surges heavily from 
 one side to the other, and finding its level, gradually 
 subsides into something like a uniform surface. All 
 have now found their places, save a lady immoveably 
 nailed to the wall by a mulatto girl, in an unsuccess- 
 ful rtterapt to pass in the narrow gangway. The 
 struggle to disengage themselves is desperate, but in- 
 effectual, until fifty people rise, and by displacing the 
 table, give room for a passage. What a nosegay for 
 the bosom of an emancipating Jamaica Viceroy! a 
 white rose budded on a black one — oh, the very odours 
 exhaled by that sable beauty, suffocate me even at 
 this distance of time ! Now rise the mingled voices, 
 the confused sounds, the din of corks, glasses, and 
 plates, but louder than before, for wine exhilarates; 
 and those who were unable to rise to breakfast, have 
 succeeded to join the party at lunch. Again the 
 flock rises on the wing, and takes flight with a noise 
 compounded of the chattering of magpies and the 
 cawing of rooks — the fragments are gathered, and 
 the ground cleared of the refuse of the repast. I will 
 3njoy this respite — I will while away the time with a 
 booii, and withdraw my mind from the contemplation 
 of my misery ; but alas ! the same earthen-ware gam- 
 blers appear again, to exhibit their tricks of plates, in 
 preparation for dinner. I once more, reluctantly, 
 mount the deck with uneasy and unsteady steps, where, 
 after executing a variety of rapid evolutions on its 
 
 41 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 35 
 
 greasy surface, rendered still more treacherous ' y 
 fragments of orange-peel, I fall, heavily tripped by 
 some kind protruding foot, and am dreadfully cut in my 
 face and hands ly angular nut-shells, which are scat- 
 tered about with ihe same liberality as the rind of the 
 orange. Shouts of laughter solace me for my misfor- 
 tune, and coarse jokes in English, German, French, 
 and Yankee, assail me in all quarters. There is but 
 one alternative— I will retire to my den, miscalled a 
 state-room; but alas! my amiable chum'has used my 
 basin~my towel is floating on it, as in pity to my suf- 
 ierings to hide its contents — and the ewer is empty. 
 How are these evils to be remedied ? the noise of the 
 saloon is too great for my feeble .oice to be heard — 
 the servants are too busy to attend— and I am too 
 vyeak to assist myself. But what will not time, pa- 
 tience, and good-nature effect ? I have succeeded at 
 last — my wounds are covered with plasters, my toi- 
 lette efl^ected—and lo! the gong again sounds— the 
 harpies again nssemble— and the same scene ensues 
 that was presented at breakfast and lunch. 
 
 But ah me! what a meal is the dinner! It is 'scabies 
 occupat extremum,' or the devil take the hindmost. I 
 look around the table to see if there is anything I can 
 eat. There is a dish which I think I c( try. I cast 
 an imploring look upon the steward and another upon 
 the dish, or rather on the spot where it stood, for it is 
 gone, fled to another table and returned no more. I 
 must try again. There are fowl?. — A wing with a 
 slice of ham, I think, I might venture upon, but alas ! 
 he who carves exclusively for himself and his party, 
 has removed the wings and every other delicate part, 
 and sends me the dish and the skeletons to hel{) myself! 
 I examine the table again, and again decide to make 
 an effc.rt to eat, but the dinner is gone and the dessert 
 has supplied its place. 
 
 Who are theae fellow-passengers of mine? are they 
 sportsmen ? has the word ' course' awakened the idea 
 
>,. 
 
 36 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 of a race, and do they eat for a wager, or are they 
 marketing and anxious to got the value of their nortey? 
 Have they ever drunk wine before, that they call that 
 fK n-wine and water hock, or that sour goose-berry 
 rJian .paigne ? or do they ever expect to drink again, 
 that tney caH for it so often and so eagerly? I will now 
 enjoy a little quiet — i will enter into conversation with 
 my neighbours; but who shall I talk to? That old 
 married couple annoy me by showing their yellow 
 teeth and snarling, and that new married couple dis- 
 gust me by their toying. I cannot speak Spanish, and 
 ihut German understands neither English nor French. 
 There is no conversation : the progress of the Ship — 
 Niagara — machinery, and the price of cotton and to- 
 bacco, are the only topics ; or if these standard tunes 
 admit of variation, it is an offer of a Polish Jew to ex- 
 change a musical snuff-box for your watch, or to cheat 
 you in a bet on a subject that admits of no doubt. I 
 will follow Miss Martineau's advice, I will try to dis- 
 cover ♦ the way to observe,' I will study character. — 
 What again Mr. Dealer in delfts ! is there no respite 
 for the teeth, no time for digestion? Is eating and 
 drinking the only business of life? — Clearing the table 
 for tea, Sir — It is tea time — You will f^--;' 't pleasanter 
 on deck. Oh that deck, that treacherous deck ! the 
 very thoughts of it, and its orange-peel, pulverized 
 glass and broken nut-shells, make my wounds bleed 
 afresh. But I will be more careful, I will take heed to 
 my ways, I will backslide no 'Tiore, nor prostrate my- 
 self again before the multitude : I will ascend and look 
 that I fall not. T*«'n hark ! who is that unfortunate be- 
 ing, whose la? )nizing shriek has thrilled me with 
 horror, and w... nose hardened wretches that exult 
 in his pain? Whence that deafening cheer, that clapping 
 of hands, that uproarious stamping of feet ? is death 
 itself become a subject of merriment, and re the last 
 fearful mo.nents of life a fitting occasion for laughter ? 
 It is a German, who, merely because he is a German, 
 
 ;ih 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTEKS. 37 
 
 must forsooth be able to sing, and it is his screaming, 
 that is delighting the mob and calling forth t^ jse 
 reiterated plaudits. — How brutal is ignorance, how 
 disgusting is vulgar pretension ! but far aoove all these 
 hunian voices risos that inhuman sound of the gong, 
 again, and summons this voracious multiiude to their 
 fourth meal. The herd is again posaessed with the un- 
 clean spirit, and rushing violently down the precipitous 
 descent, is soon lost in the vasty depths below. I will 
 not follow them, but availing myselt of the open space 
 they have deserted, avoid at the same time the to- 
 bacco and its accompaniments on deck, and the noise 
 and gluttony of the cabin, and enjoy for once the luxury 
 of solitude. My strength however is unequal to the 
 exposure — the night air is too cold, and the sea too 
 rough for my emaciated body. 'Ihough revived, I am 
 becommg chilled and sufler from the spray, which now 
 falls heavily. The sound of the last plate has c'ied 
 away, and I must retreat to avoid these repe 'ed 
 shower-baths. Whist, loo, chess, drafts and back- 
 gammon have fortunately produced a comparative 
 quiet ; but '-ow is this ? I shall faint— the heat is dread- 
 ful — the oppression perfectly intolerable. Fifty voices 
 exclaim at once, trie sky-light! open the sky-light! 
 death or the sky-light !— It is opened, and ere the coqI 
 breeze ventilates the tainted atmosphere, sixty voices 
 are heard vociferating: It flares the candles! it puts 
 out the lights ! the draught on the head is insupportable 
 No two can agree in opinion, and the confusion is in- 
 describable. 
 
 I take no interest in tli 3 dispute ; fainting or freezing 
 IS alike to me. I shall *;e, and die so soon, that the 
 choice of mode is not worth considering. Heat or 
 cold, or both in aguish si^-cession — any thing, in short, 
 13 better than noise. I hope, now, at' all events, thai 
 the eating for the day is past. Steward, come iiither. 
 steward — 
 
it 
 
 11 
 
 
 38 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 Bring it directly, sir — 
 
 Nay — I called not for any thing ; but come here, I 
 wish to speak to you. 
 
 Have it in a moment, sir — I am waiting on a gen- 
 tleman. 
 
 It is useless, I will enquire of my neighbour. Pray, 
 sir, (and tremble for his answer,) pray, sir, can you in- 
 form me whether we arc to have supper 1 
 
 Why, not exactly a regular supper, sir ; there should 
 be, though ; we pay enough, and ought to have it : and, 
 really, four meals a-day, at sea, are not at all sufficient. 
 It is 'too long to go from tea-time to breakfast, without 
 eating. But you can have any thing you call for; and 
 I think it is high *ime to begin, for they close the bar at 
 ten o'clock — steward, brandy and water. It is the sig- 
 nal ; voic6 rises above voice, shout above shout. Whis- 
 key, rum, cider, soda, ham, oysters, and herrings — the 
 demand is greater than the supply. Damn them, they 
 don't hear ! Why the devil don't you come ? Bear-a- 
 hand, will you! 'urse that six-foot, he is an deaf as 
 a post! You most particular, everlastin, almighty 
 snail, do you calculate to convene me with them are 
 chicken fixings, or not ! I hope I may be shot, if I 
 don't reciprocate your inattention, by a substraction 
 from the amount of your constitutional fees — that's a 
 fact. Blood-and-ounds, man, are you going to be all 
 night ! — Hoi dich der Teufel ! what for you come not ? 
 Diable! — Depechez done, bete. 
 
 The bar is shut, the day is past, the scene closes, 
 the raging of the elements is over, and a lull once 
 more prevails. Not a sound is heard, but the solitary 
 tinkling of a spoon on the glass, as it stirs up the dregs 
 of the toddy, which is supped with miserly lips, that 
 hang fondly and eagerly over the last drop. I will 
 read, now; I will lose in the pathetic story of Olive; 
 Twist, a sense of my own miseries. It is one of the 
 few novels I can read. There are some touches of 
 deep feeling in it. Oh! that horrid perfume; it is a 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 39 
 
 negro — his shadow is now over me; 1 feel his very 
 breath ; my candle is rudely blown out, without either 
 notice or apology ; and the long, smoking wick, reek- 
 ing of tallow, is left under my nose, to counteract by 
 its poison, the noxious effluvia of the African. How 
 dare yc? % sir ? Orders, sir — ten o'clock — lights out in 
 the saloon. I have no objection to the order, it is a 
 proper one; and whether proper or not, it is sufficient 
 for me that it is an order; but it should be e\03uted, if 
 not with civility , at least with decency. But I submit ; 
 I crawl off to my den again, thankful that 1 shall be 
 left alone, and can commune with myself, in my own 
 chamber, and be still. But no ! my chum is there ; he 
 is in the joint act of expectorating and undressing. It 
 is a small place for two to stand in ; a dirty place to 
 be in at all. But time presses, my head swims in diz- 
 zmess, and I must try. My coat is half off, and my 
 arms pinioned by it behind me ; and in this defenceless 
 state, a sudden roll of the ship brings my companion 
 upon me, with the weight of an elephant ; and in the 
 fall, he grasps and carries with him the basin. We 
 slide from side to side; we mop the floor with our 
 clothes — but I cannot proceeJ. Niagara would not 
 purif^y me ; the perfumes of Arabia would not sweeten 
 me. Oh, death! v/here is now thy sting? Why didst 
 thou respect me in the battle-field, to desert me in 
 the hour of my need ? Why was I reserved for a 
 fate like this; to die like a dog; to be pinioned in a 
 steamer. 
 
 If I should still survive, dear Fugleman, which I do 
 not expect and cannot wish, I return not by a steamer. 
 I shall go to Halifax and take passage in a I'almouth 
 packet, where there is more society and less of a mob, 
 where there is more cleanliness and less splendour, 
 where eating is not the sole business of life, but time 
 is given you to eat, where the company is so agreeable 
 
40 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 you seldom wish to be alone, but where you can be 
 alone if you wish ; in short, where you can be among 
 Gentlemen. 
 
 Bel'-^ve me, my dear Fugleman, 
 
 Yours always, 
 
 John Haltfront. 
 
 No. IV. 
 
 iiliki.' 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM A MIDSHIPMAN OF H. M. SHIP LAP- 
 WING TO AN OFFICER OF THE INCON- 
 STANT. 
 
 Dear Jack — 
 
 Land ahead my boy, and to-morrow we com? 
 down with the dust, not coal dust, please the pigs, nor 
 gold dust, for I never could raise the wind to raise that 
 kind of dust, but raci right down genuine Yankee dust 
 and no mistake. — What dost thou think of that. Jack? 
 Oh it blew till all was blue again, the whole voyage, 
 but our smoking steed, the charming Cinderclea, be- 
 haved nobly. She flew thro' the water like the steam 
 thro' the flue, she never broke a bucket, carried away 
 a coal-skuttle, or sprung a poker, but behaved like a 
 dear little scullion as she is. She paddled like a du..k, 
 and hissed like a swan. She ran a race with mother 
 Carey's chickens, and beat them by a neck. Oh, she is 
 a dear love of a smoke. Jack. If we haven't had any 
 distinguished living characters on board, we have had 
 the honour of carrying the " ashes of the grate" (old 
 pun that, Jack, but we always wear old clothes and 
 
 e 
 
we como 
 
 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 41 
 
 fire old puns at sea, you know) and although we have 
 been accused of ' poking' our way across the Atlantic, 
 I don't know how that applies to us, for we kept a 
 " straight course," ran like the devil, and cleared " all the 
 bars." It was a " stirring" time on board, every coun- 
 tenance was ♦ lighted' up, and though there was much 
 ' heat,' there was no ♦ quarrelling.' ' Falling out' how- 
 ever would be much less dangerous than * falling in,' 
 and there is some little difference between a " blow up" 
 and a " blow out," as you and I happen to know to 
 our cost. — We have lots of land-lubbers on board, 
 young agitators, fond of "intestine commotions," who 
 are constantly "spouting;" maidens, whose bosoms 
 
 B^ *^ heave;" young clerks, who "cast up accounts;" 
 custom-house officers, who "clear out;" sharpers given 
 to " over reaching," Jews, who at the taflrail " keep a 
 pass-over ;" lawyers, who " take nothing by their mo- 
 tion ;" doctors, who have " sick visits ;" choleric peo- 
 ple, who cannot "keep down their bill;" bankrupts, 
 who "give up all they have?" spendthrifts, who "keep 
 nothing long;" idlers, who do nothing all day but "go 
 up and down;" men of business exhibiting*" bills of 
 lading;" swindlers, who "cut and run;" mihtary men, 
 who '• surrender at discretion ;" boys, that quarrel and 
 " throw up at cards ;" servants, that cannot '' keep their 
 places ;" auctioneers with their going — going — gone ; 
 preachers, who say " they want but little here below 
 nor want that little long ;' hypocrites, that make " long 
 faces;" grumblers, that are "open mouthed;" bab- 
 bles, that " keep nothing in ;" painters ever reluctant 
 "to show their palette;" a..:hors, that cannot conceal 
 "their efllisions;" printers, that never leave "their 
 sheets;" and publishers, that first 'puff*' and then 
 " bring forth their tras!. ;" in short, men of all sori^ in 
 "one con^non mess." Lord! what fun it is, dear 
 Jack% to see ilicse cfoaturcs. Good christians they are 
 too, for they 'give and take.' They return ail kind 
 ness with interest. Charitable to a degree, Tor they 
 
 
f 
 
 42 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 give all they have and " strain" a point to do their ut- 
 most. Candid souls! they " keep nothing back," but 
 " brinfr every thing forward" without any considera- 
 tion for themselves; although there is no danger of 
 death, they are resigned to die. Their pride is so 
 humbled, that they no longer "carry their heads high' 
 or are burthened with a "proud stomach," but are 
 content to remain in the place they occupy.— The 
 vanities of dress they wholly discard, and would be 
 disgusted at the sight of new clothes or of finery. — 
 They are abstemious at table, and taste of the bitters 
 of this world on principle.— What can be more edify- 
 ing. Jack 1 It is as good as a sermon, is it not 1 Then 
 when they stand on t'other tack, it is as good as a 
 play.— Hallo! what's this? Oh dear! I beg your par- 
 don, Sir, I do indeed, but when it comes on so sudden, 
 it blinds me so I can't see; I am so sorry I mistook 
 your hat for the basin.— Don't mention it, madam, but 
 oh Lord ! my stool is loose behind, and away we both 
 roll together into the lee-scuppers and are washed first 
 forward and then aft. Hope you are not hurt, madam, 
 but I could not hold on behind, it came so sudden, we 
 shipped a sea— I hope I shall never see a ship again. 
 It's a wonder she did not go down that time, for she 
 was pooped.— Oh Sir! did you ever? do call the 
 steward, please, do take me below, I shall never sur- 
 vive this, I am wet through — if ever I reach land, no- 
 body will caich me afloat again. I am so ashamed 1 
 shall die, I hope I didn't— certainly not, madam, the 
 long cloak prevented any thing of that kind. Well, I 
 am so glad of that, prav, take me down while I can 
 go, for I have swallo^yed so much of that hornd salt 
 water. — Pretty dialogue that, is it not ? 
 
 Oh ! my dear fellow ! you may go round the world 
 in a king's ship (Queen's ship, I mean, God bless her! 
 and raise up a host of enemies ^o her,jhat we rnay 
 lick them and get our promotion) ; you may go round 
 it, but you never go into it. If you want to see life, 
 
YANKEE YAPxNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 43 
 
 lake a trip in an Atlantic steam packet. That's the 
 place where people 'show up' what they are. But 
 stop ! Just look at that poor wretch near the wheel : 
 how white he looks about ihe gills ! sitting wrapped up 
 in his cloak, like patience at a monument, waiting for 
 his turn to turn in next, and not caring how soon it 
 comes, either. He is too ill to talk and hates to be 
 spoken to, and for that very reason I will address him. 
 How do you find yourself now, sir? I hope you are 
 better. He dreads to open his mouth, for fear he 
 should give vent to more than he wishes. He shakes 
 his head only. Can I give you any thing? Another 
 shake is the only reply. A little sago ? He is in de- 
 spair, and gives two shakes. A little arrowroot, with 
 brandy in it ? it is very good. He is angry ; he has 
 lost his caution, and attempts to answer ; but .;udden!y 
 placing both hands to his mouth, runs to the tafrail. 
 Foor fellow ! he is very ill, very ill, indeed. He re- 
 turns and takes has seat, and his head falls on his bo- 
 som; but he must be rough-ridden before he will be 
 well-trained, so here is at him again : Pray let me send 
 you a little soup with Cayenne. He gives half a dozen 
 angry shakes of the head. But the only thing to be 
 relied upon is a slice of fat pork fried with garlic ; it 
 is a specific. He makes a horrible mouth, as if the 
 very idea would kill him ; shuts his eyes close, as if it 
 would prevent his hearing; and folding his cloak over 
 his head, turns round and lies down on the deck in 
 despair. The officers of the watch and I exchange 
 winks, and I pass on to the saloon, for a glass of 
 (what the navy has gone to the devil without, since it 
 has become too fashionable to use it as Nelson did), 
 for a glass of grog. 
 
 But, Oh ! my eyes ! look here. Jack ! bear a hand 
 this way, my boy! Down the ompanion-way with 
 you, as quick as you can, and look at that poor devil 
 pinned to the state-room door, with a fork through the 
 palm of his hand, which the steward stuck there in a 
 
44 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 lee lurch. Hear him, how he swears and roars; and 
 see tlie steward standing looking at him, and hoping he 
 hasn't hurt him ; as if it could do any thing else but 
 hurt him. See what faces he makes, as if he was 
 grinning through a horse-collar at Saddler's Wdls. 
 What a subject for Cruikshanks ! I must not sufler 
 him to be releasea till I sketch him. Where the devil 
 is my pencil ? a guinea for a pencil ! Oh ! here it is, 
 and the paper too. I must have this living caricature. 
 Stop, steward, don't touch that fork for your life: call 
 the doctor ; perhaps you have struck an artery, (I have 
 him)— the blood might flow too freely, (I wish he 
 would hold still)— or you might wound a nerve, (he 
 twists about so there is no sketching him)— m which 
 case lock-jaw might perhaps ensue, (how he roars ! 
 there is no catching that mouth)— rusty iron is very 
 dangerous to wounds, (I have him now, by Jove !)— 
 especially to wounds in the hand and feet, (that will do 
 now ; let us see what he will do). " Steward, why 
 don't you « fork out,' you rascal 1 ♦ Draw,' you scoun- 
 drel, or I '11 murder vou. That * fork' has spoiled the 
 carving of the door. 'Palmy' times, these! That 
 ' tine' is not « tiny,' sir. It is a ' great bore' to be bored 
 through the hand in that ' unhandsome' manner." I 
 beg pardon, sir, says the steward, it was not my fault; 
 but this ship is so ' unhandy,' it is, indeed, sir. Excuse 
 me, my good fellow, I say (for I cannot lose this op- 
 portunity)— excuse me ; but you have put a stopper on 
 your whist playing. " How so, sir ?' Your adversary 
 can see into your hand. " Humph i Don't thank you 
 for your joke." It would be a devilish good joke if 
 you' did. So now Jack, you see what a " trip of plea- 
 sure" means among these land lubbers; and that is 
 better than " pinning your faith to my sleeve," as the 
 steward did to that sea-calPs of a passenger. 
 
 But here comes a great vulgar conceited ass of a 
 Cockney, who thinks we are bound to talk of nothing, 
 during the voyage, but steam and machinery, two 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 45 
 
 subjects which I detest above all others; they are so 
 technical, so shoppy, so snobbish. Hear him. 
 
 Pray, Mr. Piston (who the devil told him my name 
 was Piston? It's one I hate, it sounds so Brumma- 
 gem-JKie, and I hate a fellow that uses it unceremoni- 
 ously)—! ray, sir, do you know the principle of this 
 
 I have that honour, sir; he is Captain Claxton, of 
 Bristol. 
 
 No, no; I beg pardon; not who, but what is the 
 principle ? 
 
 finnn;®''''''i'^' "?^ ^ *^^^- ^^^ principal, sir, is 
 80,000 pounds, and it pays 9 per cent, interest. 
 
 See how he flushes ; His choler is rising ; he is es- 
 tablishing a raw : if he gets through this examination, 
 he will eschew me for the future, as he would the devil 
 lake my word for it, he will never put me into the 
 witness-box again. 
 
 You don't comprehend me, sir. I merely wished t) 
 ask you if It were on the high or the low principle. 
 
 On the high, decidedly, sir; for they charge £43 lOs 
 for a passage, which is high, very high, indeed. The 
 object, sir, is to exclude low people, although it does 
 not efiectually answer even that purpose (and I ga -e 
 him a significant look). You observe they take no 
 steerage passengers, though it might perhaps be an im- 
 provement if they did (another significant look, which 
 the insignificant lubber appears to take). Odi pro 
 lanum vulgus et arceo (I like that last word, it is so 
 expressive of the cold shoulder) is ihe very proper 
 Eol^^ ^^® very exclusive Board of Directors at 
 
 I am sorry I have not been so fortunate as to render 
 myself intelligible, (says my scientific friend, his ire 
 visibly getting the steam up) ; I desired to know if it 
 ^^At ?^u ^'^^ pressure or low pressure principle. 
 
 Uh ! that is quite another thing, sir ; I conceive it is 
 I on the low-pressure; for the lower a thins is pressed, 
 
•..■;[i> 
 
 m 
 
 14' ■ ■,■ 
 
 46 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 the greater is the compression— do you take?— the 
 greater the power. For instance, there is the screw, 
 invented by Hyder Aulu, or Hyder Alley, I forget 
 which, is— he bites his lips, his eyes dilate, but it won t 
 do— it's no go. I am afraid I am troublesome, he says 
 with some confusion. We bow, and touch our hat 
 with much formality, and part, I hope, to meet no more 
 Poor fun, this, after all; grey hairs ought to be re- 
 spected, particularly when supported by a large sto- 
 ' mach. Seniores priores ; or the old hands to the bow 
 oars; but, still, they should mind their stops, and not 
 be putting in their oars on all occasions. Nemo omni- 
 bus horis sapit, it is not every one with hoary hairs 
 that is wise. How I should like to make love, if it wa? 
 only for the fun of the thing, just to keep one's hand 
 in ; but, alas ! all the young girls are sick— devilish 
 sick ; and, I trust, I need not tell you that, a love-sick 
 girl is one thing, and a sea-sick girl is another. I like 
 to have my love returned ; but not my dinner. Balmy 
 sighs, and sour ones ; heaving bosoms, and heaving 
 stomachs, are not compatible. Dear Jack, say what 
 you will, and love will fly out of the window, when— 
 but in mercy to the dear creatures, whom I really do 
 love, 1 will drop the subject, or, rather, throw it up at 
 once. Now, I will take a rise out of that cross old 
 spinster on the camp-stool. I hate an old maid, and 
 never lose an opportunity of showing them up. It may 
 be savage, I admit; but man is an animal, bipes im- 
 plumis, risibilis, as Aldrich has it. What a definition 
 of a man, implumis ! and yet I have seen fellows with 
 feathers in their caps, too, and hope to have one in 
 mine, before I die ; but, still, I must have my lark, let 
 who will pay the piper. Here, boy, run forward, and 
 tell that voung scapegrace, George, that if he does 
 not do what I ordered him, he may " look-out lor 
 squalls." Oh, dear ! Mr. Piston, says the lady, p^ .ck- 
 ino- up her ears, like a cat a listening, do you really 
 *Kf«i. fhor« i« nny dttnger of "squalls'?" Oh, very 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 47 
 
 much so, indeed, madam ! but don't be alarmed, thcr'? 
 IS no danger, if— no, no, there is no danger, none at 
 all, if — 
 
 If what, sir ? do, pray, tell me I 
 
 Why, no danger, madam, if there aint a blow-up; 
 but, pray don't be frightened, it can't reach you. 
 
 Reach me, sir ! why it will reach us all. A blow- 
 up ! oh how shocking I Do be so good, sir, as to sit 
 down and tell me— how is it, sir ? 
 
 Don't be alarmed, madam ; I am sorry you over- 
 heard mc; there is no danger— not the least in the 
 world, nothmg but a little blcw-up, it will be over in a 
 minute — 
 
 ^^^1' in a minute, sir! but where shall we all be? 
 we shall all be over in a minute, too— all overboard ! 
 
 I assure you, madam, there is no danc^er. Do bo 
 composed ; they are very common. ° 
 
 J know it, sir; they are always blowing-up, are 
 steamboats; three hundred lives lost on the Mississippi, 
 the other day. ^ ^ 
 
 Three hundred and eighty, said I. 
 
 Yes, three hundred and eighty, said she; and every 
 day, almost, they are blowing-up. There was the 
 ^anta Anna, and the Martha, and the Three Sisters 
 and the Two Brothers, and I don't know how many 
 more, blown up. "^ 
 
 Steamboats, madam ? 
 
 Yes, steamboats, sir! they are very dangerous; 
 never again will I put my foot on board of one of them. 
 t'H, dear, I wish I was out of this horrid steamer ! 
 
 iiut, I said nothing of steamboats, madam. 
 
 Do you call blowing-up, nothing, sir? scalding to 
 death, sir, nothing, sir; drowning, nothing, sir; being 
 sent out of the world in that awful manner, nothing, 
 
 But, madam, pray don't be excited; I wasn't talking 
 
 ot steamers at all. ^ 
 
 Then, what were vou talkinrr of. sir? Oh. H<*nri I 
 
i^ 
 
 4', H ;•■ .■■•! 
 
 48 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 am so frightened, so dreadfully frightened ; I feel so 
 shockingly nervous ; I am all of a tremour ; what were 
 you talking of, then, sir? 
 
 I wus merely saying, madam, that, if boy George did 
 not clean my boots, he might look-out for squalls, for I 
 would give him a blowing-up, which means 
 
 Yes, yes, sir, I know what it means ; and then draw- 
 ing herself up as stately as a queen, I '11 not trouble 
 you any further, sir. 
 
 Not the least trouble in the world, madam, said I, 
 rising, and smiling, not the least trouble in the world, 
 madam; rather a pleasure, I assure you. 
 
 Yes, my dear fellow, if you want to see the world, 
 take a trip in the Great Western, or some of those 
 whacking large Atlantic steamers, and you will st *, 
 more fun, and more of human nature, in a week, tha.j 
 you will i -» in the "Inconstant" in a twelve-month; 
 but whethci you follow this tdvice or not, recollect 
 .hat, fair weather or foul weather, oy land or by sea, 
 by day or by night, you have a fast friend in old 
 
 Tom Pistoh 
 
 
 Nu. V. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM JOHN SKINNER, BUTCHER, TO 
 MARY HYDE. 
 
 Dear Mary — 
 
 You wouldn't believe me when I told you I was 
 off in the Great Western, to see a little of the other 
 side of the world ; but its cum true, for all that, like 
 many a more unlikelier thing has cum afore now ; and 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 49 
 
 ncrc I am. half-seas over, as the teetotallers call some- 
 tiling else, and may be a little more. I likes it very 
 much mdee:!, all but being wet all the ♦ime; but its the 
 nature of the sea to b;.- wet, and for a . ew recruit, I 
 stands It nobly, only I can't keep my feet, for I 've been 
 floored -nener than any man in the ship. My heels 
 1'-. a great inclination to rise in the world, showing 
 \xnat the sole of a butcher is; and I shall soon walk as 
 well on my head as my feet. It is lucky you aint here, 
 dear Mary, this sort of work wouldn't suit you; vou 
 was always giddy-headcd. ^ 
 
 The sailors undertook to pass their jokes upon me. 
 when I first came on board, calling me old Skinner, 
 and butcher, and you with the smock-frock and 
 breeches, and so on. it 's a way they have with lands- 
 men ; but it isn't every lands-man that's green, for all 
 that. They are a j<3t of lubberly, unmannerly rascals 
 as ever I sea Whenever I ask'd - of them to help 
 me, he said it's my turn below, or it. my turn on deck, 
 and who was your lackey last year, or does your mo- 
 her know you are out. To-day, when I fell on the 
 broad of my back, they began running their rigs as 
 usual, saying, pull down your smock-frock, John Skin- 
 ner, or you will show your legs, come to me and I 'II 
 help you up, and, how does it feel, butcher. Try it 
 says I, and you '11 know ; and i knocked two of them 
 down like bullocks. It made them very civil after- 
 wards, calling me sir, and Mr. Skinner. It improved 
 their manners vastly. The stewa: J and me is great 
 
 1?ru ' ^"^ ^ ^®^ ""y ^^^g '" ^is room. 
 When I takes down the milk, I ge.s a glass of bran- 
 dy ; and when I puts my hand on his side to steady 
 me while I drink it, and feel five inches of good tlear 
 at on his ribs, it makes me feel wicked, to think if 1 
 ^lad ihe dressing of him, how beautiful he would cut- 
 up. My fingers get on the handle of my knife inwol- 
 luntary hke as if they would long to be into him. 
 He is Stall-fed, like a prize ox ; his fat is pite wonder- 
 
■.^'f-i<mM 
 
 Hi 
 
 m^ 
 
 50 TANKKE YARNS AND YANKEK LETTERS. 
 
 ful, which is more th:... I can say of our stock. Ono 
 of my cows has gone dry, which comes of her being 
 wet all the time, and not having room to lie down in. 
 The salt-water has made corn-beef of her, alreadv. 
 She is of the pole breed, and th(; Grossest, contraricst 
 beast I ever see. She have rubied oiY her tail, at last 
 — a rubbin so, the whole time. The other cow is a 
 nice little bullock ; but shie had a calf too early, so she 
 had ; her mouth is as young as a babby's — tho' in 
 another year she will be a goc.d beast enough. The 
 poultry, poor things, are very sickly, and would all die 
 if I didn'i kill the weakliest, for the cabin, to save their 
 lives — and, so is the pigs, so much swimming don't 
 agree with them ; and when they stagger, and won't 
 eat, I serve them the same way ; for it stands to rea- 
 son, they can't thrive when they gives over eating, that 
 way. 
 
 We travels day and night here all at the same pace, 
 up hill and down dale, and this I will say, — the Corn- 
 wall hills are fools to some of the s is we r:e from 
 the ship; but it's he goes — who's afraid — and down 
 we dashes as hard as we can lay legs to it. They 
 carries the light on the top instead of each side of the 
 box, as we do ashore, which makes passing other lines 
 in the night very awkward, for there is no hedge to 
 mark the road, and show vou the distance of the 
 drains ; but it 's like Saulsberry plain in a snow storm, 
 all white as far as you can see, and no mile-stones or 
 lamp-posts; and you can't reign up short, for it takes 
 some time to put the drags on the wheel to bring her 
 to a stand still. How they finds their way in the dark 
 is a puzzle to me, but I suppose they have travelled it 
 so often, they have got it by heart like. I often think 
 if the lynch pin was to cum out, and they to lose a 
 wheel, or the two to cum off, or the axle-tree break, 
 what a pretty mess they'd be in, and yet arter all, as 
 for speed, big as she is, I'd trot her for a treat with 
 mastei's pony, and not be a bit afeard. But what un 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 51 
 
 der the sun could make the Bristol people call her o 
 boat, for Vm positive she is the biggest ship I ever 
 see! Ihey have to hang up two bells in her, one aft, 
 and one in the forepart, for one aint enouch to be 
 heard all over her. I'he bow, they call " far west » it 
 IS so far ofr~.tht starn, "down east," and the sei' i. 
 wnere them black negro-looking ^ellows the stokers 
 live, " Africa." The engines is wonderful, that 's sar- 
 tain. Ihey work like a baker needing do for bred 
 and the digs it gives is surpris- . The boilers is 
 big enough to scald at one dip, aii Jie pigs in an Iiish 
 steamer, and would be a fortune to a butcher The 
 fire-places is large enough to roast a whole hoff at 
 mice, and if inere is a thing 1 ,uve, it's roast pork. 
 ^ he hard, red, crisp, cronchy skin is beautiful, as 
 much as to say, eome, stick it into me afore I am cold 
 It puts me in mind of your lips, dear Mary, both on 
 em IS so red, so plump, so enticing, and both taken 
 with a httle sarce.— Yes, I never seo a pig, I doesn't 
 think of you. It's cheeks is so round and fat like yourn. 
 1 he rib, too, means a wife every where ; but I wont 
 say no more, for fear I should find I had gotten the 
 wrong sow by the ear. We have a great deal of 
 company on \oard, consisting of two hundred men 
 and women, two cows, ten pigs, besides fowls and mu- 
 atto girls. One of these young women isn't a bad 
 looking heifer neither ; she is constantly casting sheep's 
 eyes at me, but I aint such a calf as she takes me to 
 be, so don't be jealous Mary. She thinks I don't 
 know sh3 has a touch of the tar-brush,-so says she, 
 Mr. bkinntr, the watjr is very bad, aint it^ Very 
 1 says —Its keeping it in them nasty iron tanks, that 
 makes It look so black, and taste so foul. Exacaiy, sir 
 says she, the water has got so much iron in it, I dread- 
 tul airaid of lightning, it vi^I make me so attractive. 
 You don t need that, says I, Miss, yo-r hone attrac- 
 tions is so great of themselves. Oh! says she, Mr. 
 tokinner, how you do flatter— but really, it do affect 
 
I 
 
 ii^'r 
 
 V 
 
 '1! 
 
 
 ; 
 
 62 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 me dreadful, especially my memory, which is quite 
 rusty, and then it colours my skin and spoils my com- 
 plexion, it comes thro' the pores and iron-moulds my 
 very linnin, it do indeed. Wasn't that capital, Mary ! 
 a mulatto wench, swearing it was the iron mad her 
 face copper-colour'd ; let the women alone for icks, 
 there's few can match them in that line. Ho civil 
 she is with Mr. Skinner. — Will you have a piece 
 of pie — or, Mr. Skinner, here's an orange — or, Mr. 
 Skinner, lend me an arm, sir, please. But soff words 
 butter no parsnips — it wont do — its no go that. I '11 
 lend her an arm, or any thing else to oblige her, out of 
 civility, but as ior my heart, that 's for you, dear 
 Mary — and tho' I say it, that shouldn't say it, there aint 
 a stouter nor a truer one in all Gloucestershire, as you 
 will find some o' these days. 
 
 My ambition is to be able to set up my own man, 
 in my own shop, afore I die, with prime beef and mut- 
 ton in li, and you wi your white apron on — ihe pret- 
 tiest peace of meat '■ them all ; and to hear folks say, 
 as they pass, " Damn that fellow, Skinner ! he has the 
 prettiest wife and the best mutton in all Bristol :" that 's 
 what I anr at, and no mistake. I wouldn't like to folly 
 buchering all my life in a ship, for it 's too unsteady. 
 Me and the half-dressed sheep sometimes both comes 
 down together by the run, all of a smash ; and tum- 
 bling about with a knife in your hand, or atween your 
 teeth, is not safe for your own hide or other people's, 
 No longer agone than yesterday I cut across the can- 
 vas trousers of a sailor, and one inch more would a 
 fixed him for life. Besides, capsising the bucket, which 
 will happen sometimes, makes a great fuss among the 
 sailors, who have to scrub up all clean with a great big 
 stone they call holy-stone, cause they swears over it 
 so. After all, life in a steamer ain't so pleasant as life 
 in Bristol, especially when work is done, seeing friends 
 at the ale-house, or walking of a Sunday over to Clif- 
 ton with somebody as shall be nameless. Ore question 
 
 i m 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 53 
 
 more and Pme done : Who courts standing with their 
 heads over it, at the stile, one on one side of it. and 
 tother on the other? Well, it arnte the donkeys tho' 
 they comes there sometimes; and it tante our cow and 
 squire Maze's old blind hull, tho' they do come thlre ^o 
 rub noses across the bars sometimes, too ; but it's a 
 pretty girl what wears a bonnet with blue ribbons that 
 do cum to see a well-built young butcherVn Bris^l! 
 
 hTm a'ndBlt RiK'"^'-^l^ ^ ^ ^^"^^ ^« ^---« ^hti; 
 him and Blue Ribbons is both on one side of the stile 
 
 in less time than wink, mind that, for Pme not jok^^ 
 no more than a parson. Hopping that it ma3> comf 
 soon, and that you will be as true as I be, ^ 
 
 I remain 'till death. 
 Your loving friend, 
 
 John SKUffNEH. 
 
 No. VI. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM ONE OF THE SOCIETY OF FRIENDS 
 
 TO HER KINSWOMAN. 
 
 Es-^EEMED Friend — 
 
 in • k J^f a"^'" ^® P'^^'^^ *° ^ear that we are now 
 m sight^of America, to which country the Lord haT 
 
 mTnTne/l"'"-'^^^^ ^' ^"'^^ "« in^afety through 
 ith? J.^^'' ^'T^ T ^^'""'^'^on at times to see tf e 
 nlht 1 ^ '"" ^^ ^^>^' ^"^ sometimes the stars by 
 n ght, that we may steer our lonely way through the 
 dreary waste and solitary expanse of^the pfthHs 
 preTed ?ui" *^"^^V^«/-thfulV and beauUfJl^ex! 
 "Though T P're ^«^'/"g of a Christian, who saia, 
 Ihough^I walk through the valley of the shadow of 
 
'■'.'.* 
 
 
 : ., t| 
 
 Slr:;.ji' ,,(( 
 
 64 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me ; thy rod 
 and thy staft' comfort me." And now, esteemed and 
 kind friend, my heart yearneth towards thee, and my 
 first thought on approaching this strange land, as my 
 last on leaving that of my forefathers, resteth on thee, 
 my early companion, my good counsellor, my v/ell- 
 beloved sister. How often, in the stillness of night, 
 when alone in my bed, has thy image been called up 
 before me, by the fond recollections of the past ! How 
 often have I longed for thee amid the raging of the 
 tempest, that my heart, though resigned to meet what- 
 ever might betide it, might catch the power of adding 
 hope to fortitude, from the cheerful aspect of thy coun- 
 tenance ! And how often amid the vain and frivolous 
 scenes that I have daily mingled in on board of this 
 ship, have I wished for thy conversation, thy compan- 
 ionship and support ! Strange sensations have affected 
 me by such associations as I have had here. A maiden 
 and her brother, from London, are fellow-passengers. 
 She is very affable and kind, very condescending in 
 her manners, humble-minded, though of high birth, and 
 of a great talent for conversation. She is beloved by 
 all, and has won kind regards from every body. Her 
 attire is what is called in the ga) world " fashionable." 
 It is composed of the most beautiful fabrics, and, though 
 rich, has much simplicity. I sometimes ask myself — 
 Why do I call this vain or idle ? If Providence decks 
 the birds of the air with variegated and brilliant 
 plumage, and endows the flowers of the field with 
 splendid colours ; if the rose boasts its delicate tints, 
 the shrubs their fragrant blossoms, and the vine its ten- 
 drils and its wreaths, can these things be vain? The 
 lilies toil not, neither do they spin, and yet Solomon in 
 all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If we 
 who have dominion over them are not ourselves clothed 
 by nature, was it not an intimation that our toilet was 
 left to ourselves, that it might suit the seasons and oui 
 lasles, that it might be renewed when old, and please 
 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 55 
 
 the eye, and do justice to the symmetry and beauty of 
 our form ? When I look at this lovely maiden, and see 
 her m this vam attire, and observe that she is not ren- 
 dered vam thereby herself, forgive me, Martha, but I 
 cannot help admitting the question does arise to my 
 mind— « Can this be sinful ?" Does it not afford em- 
 ployment to the poor, profit to the mechanic and manu-" 
 facturer, and diffuse wealth that avarice mitrht other- 
 wise hoard? To-day she came into my ?abin and 
 asked me to walk the deck with her, and as I sought 
 my bonnet, said, * my dear, suffer me to see how you 
 
 ^^^"^^Jr?^ ^" "^^"®' ^y P^®"^' ^^^®"^'' and then stood 
 oil and lifted up both hands and exclaimed, ' How beau- 
 tiful ! How well it becomes that innocent face 1 Do 
 look at your sweet self in the glass, my love. How 
 handsome ! is it not ? Nay, blush not ; be candid now, 
 and say whether it is not more becoming than that little 
 pasteboard Quaker bonnet of thine. Such a face as 
 yours is too lovely to be immured in that unpretending 
 piece of plainness, as you yourself would be to be im- 
 prisoned in a nunnery : 
 
 Full many a face with brightest eye serene 
 
 Those plain unfashionable bonnets bear; 
 Full many a rose they doom to blush unseen, 
 
 And waste its sweetness 'mong the ringlets there.' 
 
 Nay, said I, dear kdy, now thee convinces me that 
 the Friends very properly forbid the use of those vain 
 and idle decorations, for thee makest me vain. Thee 
 ha,3 summoned up more pride in my heart, in those 
 feyv brief minutes, than I knew before to have existed 
 within me. Pray take it back ere I am spoiled by thy 
 praise or thy worldly attire. • You would soon learn 
 not to be vain of thcra, when you had been used to 
 them: am I vain?' No, indeed, said I, by no means;: 
 thee IS not vain, but far, very far from it ; and I could 
 not help thinking, neither should I be vain if, like her 
 I wore them daily. 
 

 ^ 
 
 56 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 Do not be alarmed, Martha, thee must not think 1 
 am going to adopt the dress of these people ; I have 
 no such thoughts; but methinks we place more im- 
 portance upon this subject than it deserves ; but, per- 
 haps, my understanding is too weak to penetrate the 
 reasons wisdom assigns for their exclusion. Her bro- 
 ther is a captain in the army — very tall, very polite, 
 and very handsome. His eyes are uncommonly intel- 
 ligent, and so bright, I cannot look at them when he 
 speaks to me, for they seem to see through mine 
 into my heart, and read all that is there. There is 
 nothing there, thee knowest, but what he or any one 
 else might read, except that I do not want him to 
 know, what I should be ashamed to tell him, that I 
 think him so, handsome, so very handsonne. He swears 
 sometimes, which is such a pity. I heard him say, 
 yesterday, to another officer that is on board, — How 
 lovely that quaker girl is, by G — ! She is the sweet- 
 est girl I ever saw ! She is a perfect beauty— what 
 eyes! what a bust— what feet— and then he swore 
 an oath, I must not repeat — she was an angel! How 
 shocking to be spoken of in such language of profane 
 praise, by a man whose business is war, and who is 
 familiar with swords, and guns, and weapons of de- 
 struction. That oath made me shudder, especially, as 
 I know I was the innocent cause of it ; and yet he is 
 so gentle, his manner so kind, and his conversation 
 so intelligent, that I am sure, he is not aware of this 
 habit, which he has caught without knowing it, from 
 others. He does not agree with his sister about dress. 
 He told me, he thought there was great elegance in 
 the simplicity of the quaker dress — that there was a 
 modest beauty in it, particularly becoming young 
 maidens — that he considered the way fashionable la- 
 dies dressed, was disgusting, and that the muslin that 
 half concealed, half revealed our charms, was uncom- 
 monly attractive. I do not know how it is, I fear this 
 man of war. I abhor his swearing, and never could 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 57 
 
 love him, no never; and yet I do like to hear him talk 
 to me, his voice is so musical, and his discourse so 
 modest and suitable for female ear. He has seen 
 much of foreign parts, and has helped me to pass 
 many a weary hour. His anecdotes are both amus- 
 ing and instructive. Hov/ strange a contradiction is 
 man ! He swears, because I heard him swear about 
 me, and yt> there is an air of piety that pervades his 
 discourse, that is very pleasing. If thee had heard the 
 terms of just indignation with which he related the 
 Polygamy of the Turks, and how they ought to be 
 hung, that had so many wives, thee could not believe 
 it was the same person who used profane oaths. I 
 think, if he was one of the Friends, instead of a Cap- 
 tain of the Queen's hosts, I should fear to be so much 
 with him, lest my affections should outstrip his. Of 
 the other passengers, I cannot say much ; they play at 
 cards, and throw the dice, and for money too, and 
 drink a great deal of wine, and talk very loud. It is a 
 discordant scene, and very noisy, for there are people 
 of all nations here. Their prejudices and predilections 
 are amusing. The French cannot eat sea biscuit, th-y 
 are so used to soup. The Jews will not touch pork. 
 The teetotals abjure wine and strong drink. The 
 Catholics, every now and then, refuse meat, and eat 
 only fish. The English abhor molasses, and the Yan- 
 kees abuse French wines. The foreigne detest rum, 
 and tobacco is a constant source of di .ssion ; yet 
 amid all this there is no quarrelling. I have not been 
 sea-sick myself at all, though the captain was for two 
 days, and it was fortunate for him his sister was on 
 board to minister to his wants. He is very courage- 
 ous. During the dreadful gale we had, he asked me 
 to go on deck, and see how beautiful the ocean looked 
 in such a tempest, and he supported me with his arm 
 in the kindest manner. As we passed the cabin of the 
 missionary passenger on deck, we heard music, and 
 stopped to listen ; it was a hymn, that he and several 
 
■•'I 
 
 •1 
 
 :i 
 
 K Mi 
 
 
 M 
 
 1 
 
 .1 
 
 It 
 
 1 
 
 1 
 
 1. : 
 
 ■"''1 
 
 'HI 
 
 Hi^h 
 
 > 
 
 68 
 
 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 persons joined in singing. As it rose and fell on tlie 
 blast, its melancholy tones of supplication had a strik- 
 ing effect, and touched the heart with sadness. Wha-. 
 a fitting time this would have been, to have appealed 
 to him against the irreverent use of His name, who 
 was walking abroad on the waters! but my heart 
 failed me, for just as I looked at him to speak, I en- 
 countered those eyes, those beautiful, speaking, search- 
 ing eyes, that so unaccountably compel me to with- 
 draw mine, and cause me a kind of confusion. Per- 
 haps such another opportunity may not occur again. 
 I felt interested in him on account of his lovely sis- 
 ter, who is all gentleness and goodness, and although 
 I abhor war, and fear warriors, and shall never for- 
 get his profaneness in calling an humble maiden like me 
 an angel ; yet it is the only fault he has, and it would 
 be cruel to regard him with averted looks, or frowns 
 of indignation. 
 
 Indeed, one cannot harbour such thoughts at sea, 
 where the heart is impressed by its mystery, elevated 
 by its sublimity, and awed by its power — vast — restless 
 — trackless, unfathomable and inscrutable, what an 
 emblem it is of the ubiquity and power of God ! — How 
 [many ideas it suggests, how it awakens the imagina- 
 tion, how it subdues and softens the heart! How vast 
 are the treasures of this great store-house of the world ! 
 How many kind, generous and faithful beings has the 
 sea folded in its bosom, and oh how many have gone 
 down to its caverns, am.idst the thunders of war, with 
 the guilt of blood upon +h'^ir hands, to realize what man, 
 sinful man, miscalls glory ! — Of vessels wrecked, or burn- 
 ed, or foundered, the number must have been fearfully 
 great, and oh what aching hearts, agonizing shrieks, 
 and lingering deaths has it witnessed ! I know not how 
 it is, I cannot look abroad upon this world of waters, 
 without being strongly impressed with a melancholy 
 teeling of interest in those untold tales — those hidden 
 oonals — those secrets of the vasty deep. If the captain 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YAliKEE LETTERS. 59 
 
 thought as I did, he would not lightly—but I forget 1 
 only mention his name, because there is really so little 
 to vvr.te about, that is worth a thought in this great 
 floating caravansary. When 1 arrive at New York 
 which I hope will be on the 3d morning of the 2d 
 week of this month, I shall write thee agafn. 
 
 Rebecca Fox. 
 
 P. S. T hear the weather in Philadelphia is exces- 
 sively hot, and that it is necessary to wear thin cloth- 
 ing, to avoid the yellow fever. So thee will please to 
 send me the finest and thinnest muslin thee can find 
 lor my neck; and though I may not wear Leghorn or 
 I'almetto, yet a gauze bonnet would not be so heavy 
 as mine, in this intense heat, nor intercept so painfully 
 all air. Delicate lace gloves, methinks, would confer 
 similar advantages.— The captain has just enquired of 
 me, what route we take on our arrival, and says, it is 
 remarkable, that he and his sister had fixed on the 
 same tour, and leave New York by the same con- 
 veyance we do; I had wished for her company, and 
 am much pleased to be favoured with it. 
 
 R. F. 
 
 No. VII. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROJM A NEW BKUNSWICKER TO HIS 
 FRIEND AT FREDERICTON. 
 
 My dear Carltoit — 
 
 You will be surprised to hear I am already on 
 my return, but my business having been all satisfac- 
 torily arranged, I had no inclination to remain any 
 
"11 
 
 .tt 
 
 
 ■•'*) 
 
 
 ■.■'•,;;;i 
 
 )^' 
 
 " #'.'. ': >if 
 
 
 [~-4 
 
 
 . '■■'■] 
 
 1 
 
 
 60 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 longer away at a time when our commerce might pos- 
 sibly receive an interruption from the mad proceedings 
 of our neighbours. I am delighted with England and 
 the English, and feel proud that I participate in the 
 rights and privileges of a British subject; but I must 
 reserve what I have to say on this subject until we 
 meet, for if I begin on this agreeable theme, I shall 
 never know when to leave off. I have been up the 
 Rhine since I saw you, and, notwithstanding that I am 
 so familiar with, and so attached to our own mat^ni- 
 ficent river, the St. John, I should have been enraptur- 
 ed with it, if I had never heard of it before ; but Byron 
 has bedeviled it as Scott has Loch Katrine. It is im- 
 possible to travel with pleasure or with patience after 
 a Poet. Their glasses magnify, and when you come 
 to use^your .own eyes, you no longer recognize the 
 scene for the same presented by their magic lantern. 
 Disappointment constantly awaits you at every step— 
 vou become angry in consequence, and instead of 
 looking for beaities, gratify your spleen by criticising 
 for the pleasure of finding fault. Viewing it in this 
 temper, the lower part of the Rhine is as flat and level 
 as any democrat could wish, and the upper part as 
 high, bold, and overbearing as any autocrat could de- 
 sire. ^ Then the ancient ruins, the dilapidated castles, 
 the picturesque and romantic towers of the olden time 
 what are they? Thieves' nests, like those of the hawk 
 and vulture, built on inaccessible crags, and about as 
 interesting. The vineyards, about which my imagina- 
 tion had run lot, the luxuriant, graceful, and beautiful 
 vine, the rich festoons, what are they ? and what do 
 they resemble? Hopgrounds? I do injustice to the men 
 of Kent, they are not half so beautiful.— Indian corn 
 fields of Virginia? they are incomparably inferior to 
 them— oh ! honest currant bushes trained and tied to 
 their stakes, poor, tame and unpoetical— Then the 
 stillness of death pervades all. It is one unceasing, 
 never-ending flow of waters— the same to-day, to- 
 
TANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 61 
 morrow, and for ever-the eternal river: here and 
 
 tJikeT.ZV"'''' ''^"'^ ""'' roans whlUt, 
 ues^t the hnH "•■""/ 0<-<^?'^i°"'>l'y a boat adven- 
 cross' if 'r,'""f'"g of some impatient traveller, •, 
 cross It. But wtere is the life and animation of oiir 
 noble river; the onsy hum of commerce; the varied 
 
 r«™ aTo°n'rfr ^'""P^ "i' '^"^''y and'entcrpris^^t 
 population/ I know not; but, certainly, not on the 
 water. Dilapidated towers frown on k, d°smant ed 
 
 U anTaVrfX'V *' '^'''"'' "^ lying legendThaunl 
 It, and affrighted commerce wings its wav to more 
 congenial streams. It made me melanchi^y Mav 
 
 Siheir fllT" "''"'■ '^=""" °"^ ">agnifSnl rhe^ 
 We ont t. ,V!'"'"\"™'"'' "'^^'y have^done this flo- 
 one, to the inheritance of perpetual disanooint 
 ment. Who ever has sailed up the St. John's wK 
 
 tiful than he had anticipated'! and why? because he 
 
 tinZtl!rRw'''^''T'^ ''"""'"' °'" "• Whoever 
 ascended the Rhine without an undisguised expression 
 
 of disappointment, if he dared to utier such Son 
 
 against he romance of the world, or a secret teeuZ 
 
 of vexat^n, if he were afraid to cimmrhSfH"^ 
 
 why? because he had heard too much of it. And yet 
 
 whol I douM Tit^P'^r '° t '^'""«' "='y-- a 
 wuoie, 1 doubt it It IS quite equa to if but if a\,r^c 
 
 '::rjT%t"' -o- P'-r-. for theVeason'll^ : 
 
 temftsi; Ih /ir^T' ''o described; whoever at- 
 
 2 Wnrl"^" "'. '''"'■' "f ''' ™orit,s, or exceeds 
 
 no e'thal^ht "^"'/"T-^* '"^"■"'^' '''«» of it, any 
 inoie than they can of colours to the blind Pic iirp« 
 
 might. If they were faithful ; but painters are fZ 
 
 TeTrtTed''ot:,'r"h'^V"''"^-^- ^"' '"o Poe. " S 
 ion IT I. l" '■ ^® '"■0* 'n an atmosphere of fic- 
 on, and when ho sketches, he has mountains skies 
 
 hei.lt™ I'f "' S"'""}'^"'!' and whatever is ne^^sst^y 
 
 verts flHmofv'"^,"' f "fe'*'*'"' '° '"^ ««"• He con^ 
 verts all mto fairy-knd. Now, don't mistalie me, old 
 
'4i 
 
 ■IP 
 
 J, ..lii 
 
 62 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 boy, I am neither undervaluing tfie Rhine, nor the jxjels, 
 but tliat river needs no poet. Good wine requires no 
 bush. Whetlier we shall ever have a poet, I know 
 not. Ship-building, lumbering, stock-jobbing, and note- 
 shaving, are not apt to kindle inspiration ; but if we 
 shall ever be so fortunate, I most fervently hope he will 
 spare — the river — yes, par excellence — the river. 
 
 As I shall not be able to proceed immediately to 
 New Brunswick, I avail myself of a leisure moment, 
 to give you the latest intjlligence respecting the dis- 
 puted territory, which engrosses but little attention, just 
 now, I am sorry to say, on the other side of the water. It 
 has given rise, however, to much fun, the substance of 
 which is this : — They say that Governor Fairfield has 
 passed all bounds; and that a Fairfield and a fight 
 have a natural connexion. Little interest is taken in 
 Londoij, in the matter. Few Englishmen know the 
 diflference between Madagascar and Madawaska; and 
 our agent says, the British minister sometimes calls it 
 one and sonjetimes the other They don't know whe- 
 ther Maine means the main land, in distinction from an 
 island, or whether the main question, in distinction from 
 minor questions. Stephenson told them it was a quiz,* 
 and that Van Buren had his* Maine as well as O'Con- 
 neii had his tail ; both of them being lions, and queer 
 devils, and both of them great hands at roaring. They, 
 certainly, are odd fish, at fish river, and, like macka- 
 rel, jump like fools at red cloth. They talked big, and 
 looked big at the big lake, but that was from making 
 too free vyith biggons of liquor. It was natural they 
 should think, at last, they were * big-uns ' themselves. 
 It's no wonder they had such difficulty in raising men, 
 when they were all officers ; and that there was no 
 subordination, when they were all in command. Hiring 
 substitutes is a poor way of a-proxi-mating to an army ; 
 and marching in the month of March, is no fun, where 
 the snow is up to tiie middle. A friend in need is a 
 friend indeed, but not when he is in-kneed in snow 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. C3 
 
 Such marching must cost them many a 'bummy dear;» 
 wh.Ie wadmg through creeks in winter, it is apt to mv^ 
 
 rZ of m" ^ '""^^'J camp-pain. Indeed, the pa- 
 .nots of Maine must have been jokiig ^vhen they said 
 they intended to run a line, for e .rv body knew^thev 
 
 sT ?" Vf -f •''^ 't F '^'y ^^'^ ^''^ «^^«est, all I can 
 say IS, that it is the first time a legislature ^ver seri- 
 
 Zr^ r^P^K '? ''"? '^''' "^""^^>^- Too many of 
 them, ,t IS to be feared, are used to it; for not a few 
 
 of them have cut and run thither from the British pro- 
 
 V noes. Playing at soldiers is as losing an affair, as 
 
 playing at cards, especially when you have nothing 
 
 afainst ou ' ^"^ ^^""^ '^'^^' ^""^ ^^'^ ^"^"^""^ ^^^ 
 
 hJ^^^^ ^""^ ^•^'^" ^'^^* laughter at the spoil; the tim- ' 
 
 loJ. fj^'i f '"r^ ' ^^'°° ^^ ^^^'«' '-^"d a hundred 
 
 r°wnLh T -^J^" V° ^""''y- ^^ ^^« i" their line. 
 It was characteristic. It has been called the odd trick 
 
 A rnnf • ^t^ ^^"^'^' P""^"^ ^ ^oom across the 
 Aroustic river, has proved how shallow he was. He 
 
 BiLrn'^frP'"'''^ '.^ that long-legged gentleman, the 
 Bittern, "booming from his sedgy shallow." It was 
 « cu ing his stick" with a vengeance; not marchfng 
 but "stirring his stumps." It was « King Lo^ " dri v- 
 mg his ox-team like Coriolanus, at the head of the 
 main body of the troops of the state of Maine, and 
 whistling as he went, « Go where glory waits thee " 
 Marching with fifty pounds of pork o^n thL backs was 
 certainly going the whole hog, and a ration-al way of 
 establishing a provision-al government at Madawaska. 
 It is said the troops cut their way, not through the 
 enemy, with swords, but through the woods, likl true 
 Yankees, by "axeing" The/first run and cut, and 
 
 n 'ht'"no?^ T J^/y^'^l "P ^ b^'^k fire, day' and 
 Hor T ^h borderers, but on the ice on the bor- 
 der and would have had a field-day, no doubt, if there 
 had been a field withm fifty miles of them, to hnvp hnA 
 
^idii 
 
 
 i 
 
 
 1' 
 
 t 
 
 'it 
 
 ■a 
 
 'ii 
 
 
 
 
 
 I 
 
 ,:!| 
 
 64 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 it in ; but, alas ! the only thing worth a dam that they 
 saw, was a saw-mill. To read the general's speeches, 
 you would hav-^ supposed he was boiling with rage at 
 the Brunswickers ; whereas, he was only thinking of 
 boiling maple sugar by battalions. lie was making a 
 spec — licking sugar-candy, and not licking the enemy. 
 Gallant man ! he was but too fond of the " lasses." 
 What right has this patriot to complain of his shoot- 
 ing-pains, who would not be at the pains to shoot. In 
 place of raising 800,000 men, as he boasted, he raised 
 800,000 dollars. Sumo animos nee te vesano trade 
 dolor! Instead of charging the British, and breaking 
 their ranks, it is whispered they made a dreadful 
 charge against the state, and broke the banks. Fie 
 upon them ! this is the way they serve their country ; 
 but marching on the ice is slippery work, and a little 
 backsliding is to be expected, even among patriots and 
 heroes. — Talking of patriots, puts me in mind of Cana- 
 da, which, I hear, has sent delegates (or delicates, as 
 they are more appropriately called in the fashionable 
 world) to England, to raise themselves by lowering 
 others, as an empty bucket does a full one in a well. 
 Their bucket however proved to be a leaky one, for by 
 the time they got home, it was found to contain no- 
 thing. — It reminded me of the Irishman's empty barrel 
 full of feathers. — The story of the mails was one 
 grievance, but they found on their arrival the postage 
 had been reduced one half without askinj, and fifty 
 five thousand a year granted, to convey their " elegant 
 epistles" by steamers, via Halifax. "I give thee all I 
 can, no more." Alas! for these knights errant, what 
 has become of their coats of ' mail' — I suppose they 
 will next ask to be paid for letting the mails travel 
 through the country; for the more people bother 
 Government, the better they are liKed and the more 
 they get. like crying, scolding children, who worry 
 those they can't persuade. This is reversing the order 
 of things, not teaching the young idea how to shoot ; 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. C5 
 but teach g the old one how to make roadv inH 
 present. A • Taught' Government however tsa^sood 
 one. for .t encourage, no ".lack," but ■recede' a^d 
 
 IbZ" l'!."'' °"-''«^°f '^day now "Cede.do victor 
 abibis. Loosening the foundations is a new way of 
 
 d^lS fi!^f '° "" «7-'™'"«"'. ^'"'« reform Jans 
 
 :1 ' Sft forSTnd vlid7""« "■"' ""PP^ "«•■=' "'^' 
 
 Responsible government in a colony means the 
 
 .eo:,.e bemg responsible to themselvesf and not to 
 
 J-nglandi dut.ful children who owe obed ence, bu, u^° 
 
 tlj, "T'"'"° '° P^y '*' «'^"' '» '"k^ the b^nef t of 
 the act and swear out. A majority without pronertv 
 who want to play at imi,eachments^wi.h TjpomZ\ 
 opponen s and lynch them. It is a repeal of he^l n on 
 
 Wh-?. f L ''"""'.S'^Sues, who are irresponsible. 
 What a happy condition to live in I Ah my cood 
 fnend you and I who have disported i„ the 7JTot 
 of the great world, amidst the monsters of the brnv 
 
 na pI n '^^''^.''■"■'"<'>- puddle. I abhor ultras ol ' 
 part cs.-Dum vitan stulti vitia in contraria curr • 
 —Good specimens, if they could be procured of • ' 
 
 STur "'ht^J"?^' and. RadicairSlhat dr^ 
 tZ to .hi R ,"',^ colony, would be a valuable addi. 
 nrtmen ?"",f .™"^^"'". i" i's nalural history de- 
 
 no Sake in";! '^"T^ """"' "■=" >'"" •"'•r "»!<« 
 ,h T • <• ! '«''"""'n- A colonial super-ultra- 
 
 mvir n °^ '^? S"T^ blockhead, species ape. t 
 is psylodaclilus or long-fingered, and the largest Lima 
 
 t" li a t Ir' ^"''^\ [' ^'' Sreai power's of imUa' 
 'Ml, a Strong voice and the most extravagant conceit 
 
 h t"in3'f "■""'f ,"• ^'".^ '" "^ ■""^n" °«. •-'ndTome: 
 canno, 7' ^f- '"T I" P'"'f""™' ^'»™ "f ambush. 
 
 ea h iaw'VZ'- ^' ''"^ ,'^^« «'««i"S '^elh i" front of 
 jaw The ears are large, round and naked, and 
 
 ea 
 
66 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 'W 
 
 the coat is soft, silky and rich. Its proportions are not 
 good, and its sagacity greatly iiiierior to the European 
 species. It is voracious, and very savage when leed- 
 ing. The ultra-low radical is of the species rari, its 
 colours consisting of a patched distribution of black, 
 dirty white, and grey, though its real or natural colour 
 is supposed to be black. It is known to be of a fierce 
 and almost untameable nature. It moves in large 
 droves, when it is very mischievous, exerting a voice so 
 loud and powerful, as to strike astonishment and terror 
 into those who hear it, resembling in this respect, as 
 well as in its habits, the radical and chartist of England. 
 It is impatient of control, but exhibits a sullen submis- 
 sion under firm treatment, though upon the slightest 
 indulgence, or relaxation of discipline, it turns on i:s 
 keeper with great fury. Its habits are predatory, its 
 appetites unclean and ravenous, and its general appear- 
 ance disgusting. You may Bnd some of each in New 
 Brunswick, though perhaps not so full grown as in that 
 land of pseudo patriots and sympathisers, Canada. 
 Pray, send a good specimen of both varieties to the 
 Trustees, for people in England ridicule the idea that 
 there is room or suitable food for either in British 
 America, the climate and soil of which, they maintain, 
 13 not congenial to them. 
 
 Alas ! for poor human nature, man is the same on 
 both slides of the Atlantic. Paradise was not good 
 e' ojgh for some peojjie; but they were served jusf as 
 they ought to have been — they were walked out of it* 
 The lumber duties will not be altered this year, and we 
 shall obtain that respite from the fears of the specu- 
 lative writers of the present day, that their sense of 
 justice or knowledge of business would fail to obtain 
 for us. Afraid to refuse, yet unwilling to give, they 
 get credit neit'ier for their firn^iness nor their liberality. 
 Ihe unsteady conduct of these fellows reminds me of 
 a horse that is not way-wise. When he gets snubbed 
 ir ' je gutter, he jujnps over to the other, and is never 
 
voice so 
 
 TANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 67 
 
 ^ Yours truly, 
 
 Oliver Quaco. 
 
 IS on Ks 
 
 No. VIII. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM AN ABOLITIONIST TO A MEMBER 
 
 OF PARLIAMENT. 
 
 Mi dear Sir — 
 
 mination, I hr.ve resolved to utLrtT " '"'PP^ """- 
 into the Ur,i-ed StatpTw „ ""''f ""''« ^ peregrin, on 
 
 •0 this phillnthrS ^ork bv'a'ftelirT"' ""'" '"' 
 aole hstred of th»tTI " V ''"§ °'^ '"«""%'" sh- 
 
 damnable traffic 'atmtZf^l ^'"-■Msu.n: and 
 day of libertv is -LtTil We— the slave trade. Their 
 
 wLn I XerveoCfrietdr» •''"'" '" <■"" '^^'"">'>"i- 
 «nd balls inthoselsS^h! '.""""'r''''''^''''''^^^ 
 
 footing with therwhit b tthren'td'b^' ""• l"! ^^™' 
 tier walkino- -irm ;„ 1/ " ."''"' """ fiis amiab e part- 
 
 bly <h. d's^eXt rf a Clt ^^f'''V'?'"^'« (P'-°''»- 
 'o the amazementUi ^ .= • °^ '^''''"=^" princes), 
 
 in defiance onheni."l'""f'"" "'" ">« «■«"='. "nd 
 
 emanate fron, ,L "'f "''',"* '""^' ^e au.nitt^d to 
 
 "hem but ^v fh L ' r' ""'>' ''y "'"^^ "'ho espouse 
 
 "i-n. i ^Llut:Z'll\T!':^r eause./bles. 
 
 W,n T - -^ V "^"^ espouse their 
 ^"n, I congratulate the world, and, abc 
 
 oil T r.,1'..- 
 
- i 
 
 68 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 tate the nobility, that the partition wall has been broken 
 down, that colour and odour make no distinction, and 
 that instead of a few black legs (the utmost advance 
 that has hitherto be-n made in the higher circles), we 
 shall see numerous black Peers among the new crea- 
 tions. And who shall pronounce that they are not 
 worthy of being the associates of at least some that 
 are to be found there? None, sir, none will dare to 
 insinuate it, but those who are themselves unworthy. 
 Whv should they spurn those to whom some ot their 
 number owe their own elevation? Is it not to the agi- 
 tation of this emancipation, to the appeals to the sym- 
 pathy and religious prejudices, and (I hopo I am not 
 uncharitable) to the cant of the day, that some people 
 are indebted for their own station? Why then reject 
 those equal in rights— equal in mental and superior m 
 
 bodily powers ? ^ r -i * 
 
 Jamaica presents a prospect that cannot fail to re- 
 ioice the heart of the true philanthropist. Already 
 have the exports of the island fallen more than one 
 half, and will shortly cease altogether. Is not this a 
 proof that these unfortunate beings, the blacks, must 
 have been compelled to work beyond what was neces- 
 sary'' for now, when left to themselves,- there is no 
 nducement that either ambition or avarice can dis- 
 rover, sufficient to make them work at all. 1* rom 
 which the inference is plain, that Providence never 
 iiitended they should work. What an earthly elysium 
 tliis island will soon become, when, like St. Domingo, it 
 is left to spontaneous production 1 When nature will 
 supply their wants, and they can roam at large like birds 
 of the air, and the animals of the field, and the voice of 
 complaint shall be drowned in one universa chorus ot 
 son^' When hand in hand, the natives, hke oi r first 
 parents in Paradise, knowing not the artificial wants of 
 clothes, shall have their couches of rose-leaves, their 
 lieveracre of the cool streams, or still cooler fountain, 
 
 nnd ffather their food from the Umbs of trees that bans? 
 
 — „ 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 69 
 
 over them, inviting and soliciting them to pluck and eat ' 
 tan imagination picture any thing equal to such a scene 
 ol rural felicity as this? Even the restraints of our 
 moral code will be wanting, for morals are artificial 
 and conventional. Where there is no property there 
 can be no theft, where there is no traffic there can be 
 no fraud, and where nature supplies freely and abun- 
 dantly all wants, there will be no restrictive matri- 
 mony, for marriage is a civil obligation, arising from 
 the necessity of providing for a family. Each one will 
 [ollow the dictates of his own inclinations. Love will 
 have no fetters to impede his gambols, affection will 
 alone be consulted. The eye will choose, and the 
 heart ratify all connubial contracts, and when the eye 
 IS sa^ed, and the heart cooled, both parties will sepa- 
 rate without a sigh, and without a struggle, each one 
 tree like the birds of the air, to spend a succeeding 
 ieason with a new mate, and no murmur and no ieaP 
 ousy shall be heard. There will be no property in 
 the heart, no slavery in the affections, but there'will 
 be what many nations boast of, but alas, what few pos- 
 sess ; freedom ! unlimited, unrestricted, absolute free- 
 dom ! freedom of thought, freedom of action I What 
 a realization of all our hopes, what a happy termina- 
 tion of all their wrongs and sufferings ! Succeeuinff 
 -iges will admire and applaud, and heaven will bless 
 hese noble designs. 
 
 Impressed with this view of it— happy in he'in^ the 
 agent in promoting such sublunary felicity, I propose 
 visitmg the States, for there, too, are exalted spirits 
 true patriots, noble philanthropists, who, unshackled bv 
 paliry considerations of property, would break down 
 ail distmctions as we have done, and as the beam has 
 hitherto inclined to the whites, now give it a counter- 
 poise altogether in favour of the blacks. It is not a 
 subject for equalization, for studying balances, and for 
 making nicely adjusted scales. We must go the whole * 
 hgure, as they express it. But, my good friend, this is 
 
70 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 a dangerous country. The planters are a fierce and 
 vrnpetiTous people, and will not bear tampering with 
 as our colonists do. We nnust unite the gentleness of 
 the dove with the wiliness of the serpent. I propose 
 commencipg the Southern tour first, and, using West 
 India tactics, I shall nnount the pulpit. W ithout a di- 
 rect appeal to the passions of the blacks, I will inflame 
 their imagination. I will draw a picture of their free- 
 dom in another world, that will excite them in this. I 
 will describe Sin as a task-master ; I will paint that 
 task-master in a way, that the analogy cannot be mis- 
 taken for their own masters, and in colours that can- 
 not fail to rouse their imaginations and passions, and 
 advise them to throw off' the yoke of the oppressor ; 
 in short, I will keep within the law, and effect that 
 which is without the pale of it. When I reach the 
 non-slave-holding states, where my person will be se- 
 cure from violence, I will speak openly. T will draw 
 ideal pictures of distress from the stores of fancy, and 
 talk in touching terms of broken hearts, unwholesome 
 exhalations, burning suns, putrid food, unremitting 
 toil, of remorseless "masters, unfeeling mistresses, and 
 licentious manners. I will then put in practice th** 
 happy and successful ruse I adopted in England. 1 
 will produce A prodigious whip with wire thong, aiid 
 ponderous manacles, and thumb-screws of iron, fabri- 
 cated for the occasion, and exhibiting them to the au- 
 dience, appeal at once to their feelings as men and as 
 christians ! That I shall succeed, I make no doubt, 
 and I shall have the pleasure, occasionally, of sending 
 to you an account of my doings. I have availed my- 
 self of your kind permission, to draw upon the funds 
 of the society for five hundred pounds, to defray my 
 necessary expenoes in this great and holy work — a 
 work which, I must say, sanctifies the mean.. 
 
 What a glorious -etrospect is the past ! how fuM of 
 hope and happiness is the prospect of the future I The 
 West Indies arc free. The East is free. And Ame- 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 71 
 rica is soon to be liberated, also. That we were ro be 
 assailed by calumny, to be denounced as incendiaries, 
 and persecuted as felons, for our part in this great 
 political regeneration, was to be expected. Our eno. 
 rnies, and the enemies of reform, have made a great 
 handle of the murder of Lord Norbury, which Iwk 
 ward affair has never been placed in its proper light 
 It was a death and nothing but a death; but what is 
 It more than that of any other individual ? Is the life 
 of a peer of more value than that of a peasant ? It is 
 a iile, a unit, not distinguished from any other unit, but 
 because there is a nought in its head. One of the od- 
 pressors is gone-and gone suddenly : so have many 
 ol the oppressed gone, likewise; and yet the death of 
 his aristocrat makes more noise than them all. Rank 
 toryism this, which thinks of nothing but rank ; and 
 •mpiouslv asserts there is rank iu heaven-for there 
 are angels, and archangels, there. To be free, is not 
 to be oppressed ; to remove oppression, is an act of 
 freedom ; but an act of freedom is not murder. Mur- 
 der IS of mahce aforethought ; but where principle, 
 and not malice removes a man, it is not murde , bu 
 he effect of poitrcal difference. I do not approve of 
 It in detail, for I doubt its policy and efficacy, so lona 
 as the power of creating peers remains in the crownl 
 but still this is not a case for pious horror, but rathei 
 lor regret. There is no robbery, no sordid motive, no 
 mean, vulgar plunder attending it. It was the deliber- 
 ate act of an exalted mind ; mistaken, perhaps, but of 
 high feehng, intense patriotism, and of Roman virtue, 
 
 n.w''!. /u' P^'^^^^^'i^g ^^^^ to C^Esar. It was a 
 noble deed, but rather philosophical, perhaps, than re- 
 iig lous. Sordid politicians cannot understand it, cow- 
 ards dread it, and bigots denounce it. Few of us 
 perhaps, are sufficiently devoted, or enlightened, pub' 
 he y to applaud-to say that we sanctio? it, or would 
 acliiove it ourselves; but, whatever we may think of 
 me act, abstractedly, we cannot but admire the firm 
 
..i 1 
 
 .•.!■ 
 
 Is ; 
 
 72 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS, 
 ness, the nobleness, and the elevation of the perpetrator 
 
 ""^Tu- ^^"® P^^^^^^^- ^le was right— heaven wil 
 reward him; if he was in error, his motive will be 
 respected, and he will be pitied and forgiven. So, in 
 l^anada, the burnmsr out of the vile conservative loy- 
 alist, IS not arson, for it is not malicious ; and the secret 
 removal of them to another world, not murder, but 
 constitutional amelioration. Great allowance must be 
 made for the warmth of political excitement. A Louiit 
 may despatch those whom the press denounces. That 
 noble-minded man, Brougham, has thus considered it; 
 the perpetrators have been pardoned ; the jails have 
 been thrown open, and the patriots set at lar^e, to 
 commence anew their great moral and political refor- 
 mation. If this is right in Canada, how can it be 
 wrong m Ireland? and if right in Canada and Ireland, 
 how can it be wrong in the southern states of America ? 
 • T j^? ^, J"^^^^® ^^® uniform and universal. What 
 is Lord Noi-bury more, than Chartrand, or Lord Gienela 
 more than Shoultz-unit for unit— tit for tat— a Row- 
 land for an Oliver. Necessity has no law; but even 
 m the eye of the law, it is said, all men are equal. In 
 Jhe eye of heaven we know they are. The peer and 
 the peasant are both equal, then, as far as killing goes; 
 And killing, no murder, as far as the absence of per' 
 sonal malice goes. Under these circumstances, let us 
 oersist in aiding, by all means, similar to those resorted 
 to in Canada, our devoted sable brethren of the south. 
 Should a few of their masters be removed, it is but 
 the natural consequence of the system, and not of the 
 ceform ; and the roots, if traced, will be found to spring 
 frorn the foetid soil of slavery, and not from the virgin 
 niould of freedom. In burning off the stubble, who 
 ever doubted a few ears of grain would be consumed, 
 or in cutting down the weeds, that a few blades of grass 
 were to be sacrificed?— none but fools or idiots. 
 in my next I shall give you a detail of my proceed 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 73 
 
 ings. At present I have left myself barelv room 
 enough to subscribe ,iyself oareiy room 
 
 Your much attached 
 
 and sincere friend, 
 
 Joseph Locke. 
 
 Extract from a Mwspaper published at Vixburg, under 
 date of Vie 22d May, 1S39. 
 
 We regret to slate that this city was thrown .-nt^ 
 grea- eonfusion and alarm yesterdaj^, W he dircoverv 
 of a plot for an insurrection of the negroes, the mur^ 
 der of the whites, and the destruction of the phce bv 
 fire It was clearly traced to have originated wi?h, 
 fana teal English abolitionist, of the nfme of Jo Ih 
 Locke, who expiated on the gallows, in the sumSv 
 manner presented by " Jud|e Lynch," this aZdous 
 offence against the laws of G&d and man. OnWsner 
 son was found the draft of a letter addressed bv Kim 
 10 a member of the British Parliament (whose narne 
 for the present w, withhold), not merely admitting the 
 par he was about to take in this infernaUvort buf ic 
 tually justifying murder and arson as ^10 acts' 
 when resorted to in the cause of reform. He had a^' 
 opportunity offered to him yesterday by our indi^na^,? 
 citizens, of testing the truth of his prLTp e andTl e 
 soundness of his reasoning. It is to be hS for his 
 Zl^t '" "''^^ ""<'--'" - <=hange^rn' K 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTEIiS. 
 
 .:;l 
 
 -, .t 
 
 'M 
 
 1| 
 
 ..*;,! I 
 
 .!> 
 
 *■■; ^'1 
 
 No. IX. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM A CADET OF THE GREAT WESTERN 
 TO HIS MOTHER. 
 
 Dear Mother — 
 
 As I intend to get out as soon as we get into New 
 York, and look for a packet for England", I write this 
 letter that I may pack it off to you as soon as possible. 
 Don't be afraid that I am going to spin a long yarn. 
 I shall merely send you a few matters I have entered 
 in my log, on which I intend to extend a protest againsi 
 the owners, captain, ship, and all persons concerned. 
 Putting midshipmen on board a steamer to make sea- 
 men of them, is about on the same ground tier with 
 sending marines to sea to teach them to march. No- 
 body but them land lubbers, the Directors, would ever 
 think of such a thing; bnt you shall judge for your- 
 self which way to steer in this ulfair, when you hear 
 what I have to say and see how the breakers look 
 when laid down on the chart. 
 
 We have had a long voyage of twenty-two days. 
 Ever since wp tripped our anchor at Bristol, my heels 
 have been tripped instead, and I have learned pretty 
 well what a trip at sea means. Our mess is forward, 
 and a pretty mess we have made of it, not being much 
 more forward ourselves than when we started. The 
 sea has washed off all our crockery. Broken dishes 
 floaf about the floor, till the cabin 'looks like a river 
 *• Plate." I am nearly as bad off myself, for I sleep 
 so wet I am all in " Shivers." Our breakiast cups are 
 tea-totally broke, though we have seen no breakers ; 
 
TANEEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 75 
 
 or prxrir;;. It; t w°:^ie ^ t:: t'^'r' 
 
 an J tumblers are all in niece™ ,„^ , ' kf j ''"^n'^" 
 which happens so often iha, 7 .^ '"^ overboard, 
 
 why peopfe^all htheXssl"TV'^' '^ '"^''^°" 
 head "is Sll covl Uw-fh bump, not li "'^ T" f*^ 
 place,. iTnd the older boys iSwhLI ^""'T- ""'^ 
 call me a countrv bnm? L ■^'jl. ' '"""?''"'>• and 
 
 are so werdevilor^7,h '?',r'' "" t^l"' '''y' ""=7 
 study for bump'^o^i^;^ "'^' ""^^ "'""''^ ^^ ^ valuable 
 
 My messmates' buttons have G W «„ <h^ u- , 
 
 gar .'o^t;-';!^;':^ "^^" t^:„vtrr; 
 
 IvT We have bLk 1' ^"™' ."^ '"'^ '""^ P'^y the 
 
 tluough which wetatuMfLThe""' "ilT"^^^^^^^ 
 an observnf inn ' iU.. u ^"® ^""' ^^"^d ♦ making 
 
 TL^ttiren't ;tn "Jxton^' be"^^' ^^ T^'^ 
 to look so ffrave • and u hnn ,.'^''^''"' . ^^^«"se we have 
 wl)ich romes Ililp^n !n ?u^^ appointed time is come 
 
 whiVh the^y^cMI a iL "™/ £'"> """^ •" " ^'""g. 
 called a kno The more 'she dT""^ "j"" ^''tS"^^ '^ 
 
 tein:ssr/--^^^^^^^^^^ 
 
 or^]«fd:!;tth^lry-ZaU"es^^^ 
 
76 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 ■■t 
 
 wJt*i iour hands. It is a very hard case for a watch 
 'hht har io turn up in the night. They try every plan 
 hi the world to plague us : whenever it is dark and 1 
 can't see my hand before me, I am sent to the bow and 
 desired to " keep a sharp look-out." The sea breaks 
 over me ther? and wets me through, and when I com- 
 plain of it *'.3 captain laughs and says "you £^re a dry 
 fellow." The short watches are called the dog watches, 
 because the hands are only " tarriers" for half the time 
 the others are. They are well named, for one leads 
 the life of a dog here, and we become growlers, every 
 one of us. 
 
 As for me, I have charge of the captain's jolly-boat, 
 which I am told is quite an honour. My business is to 
 set him ashore, and then to set myself in the stern for 
 two hours, whistling "by moonlight alone," till he 
 comes back. Very 'jolly' work, this. He calls us his 
 * jolly tars,' out of fun. 
 
 I hope, dear mother, if you have any regards for 
 me, you will take me out of this Steamer. I look like 
 a blackguard and feel like one. The captain calls me 
 a ' smutty rascal' 1 don't like such names ; but every 
 one is smutty and can't help it. The shrouds are 
 smutty, the ropes are smutty, and the sails are smutty, 
 and, to have things of a piece, they have a parcel of 
 smutty mulatto girls on board. I wipe more smut on 
 my face with a towel, than I wash off with the water; 
 and smut my shirt more in putting it on, than in wear- 
 ing it. You will hardly believe it, but my very talk is 
 smutty. I look like a chimney-sweep, for though I do 
 not sweep flues, as he does, the flues sweep me, and 
 both of us go to pot. I am so covered with soot, I am 
 afraid of a spark setting me a-fire, and then I should 
 be a " suttee." 
 
 The steam ruins every thing in the ship. Our store* 
 »'Oom and berths are back of the boiler, and are so hot, 
 our candies, that used sometimes to walk off, now run 
 before they are lit; our butter undertakes to spread 
 
 at 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 77 
 
 itf to clr^rTl "^f f ^^-i in<o jelly-but it is boot- 
 assist .r^n' I ?•■ ^" ^"""^ ""'' '"'■''^ "-hich used to 
 rus Nn ". TV"""^ /"*'" "''' "P' ""emselves, with 
 
 us, it has distilled awa^. and thetaves" e'! tlTs 
 ell. The stewardess laments her lost ' bo— he ' kZ.1 
 -ng our eggs under hatches, has hatched our e..s 3 
 we have had to shell-out our cash for nothbglfsi 
 My new coat, a moving -tale,' reveals-even Tu I ' 
 that was so glaring, is now 'guiltless,' and its Mnould ? 
 buttons are, themselves, covlred w th "mould ! Th» 
 cape has become a 'Cape de Verde 'eve, yo„e cfm 
 Plains of my -choler;' and the slee™ is lohJTa 
 laughing matter My hat has 'felt' thechan°e^aL 
 
 ' na^' :i';7 m V 7"''' ^ """' ""^ "-^-^ -"^^"S^r 
 
 cSd pt/i:^.^"] :z ^ott-^-Xfe 
 
 a,Taj^fi:"-sS;:^-K 
 
 sole,' and there s no help for if Th^ M\ ^- ^ 
 lessons that he calls lec.u^efrso'ha?^? tspfrL" 
 
 ' more ' whT """t'""^ ""^ '''''P' '" ^P'^"' i" worl n^ 
 moi e, which works us up, s we have become ' smrp" 
 ourselves. -To give three hundred pounds rrthHri 
 vdege of working like fun for nothing, for thf Gre"; 
 Westerns, for three years, was about as good a ioke 
 
 die mother. Whoever put that nto your head nni 
 you mto h,s pocket; for, after all, it^is only a kh 
 Chen on a arge scale, with steam-cooking apparatus 
 
 woiK IS ail below; and he who succeeds, and eels at 
 It, at last. No, dear mother, remove me I bevpe,-h 
 sC h"" ' w ""■'•' "^ ">«=« '"P^' 'hese piies of pTea^ 
 
 wle; lTelu™'"f " 'T- ' t"" ^^"' =» "'^ o"'^fi« 
 vvnen i return — an entire npw i^-* "--J ' ■ 
 
'■ -(III 
 
 •I 
 
 .4 
 
 78 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 of traps. My old ones, if wrun^-out, will 7ivc * creo- 
 sote' enough to buy new ones. The ship juggles so, I 
 can't write straight ; and I have got so used to the 
 trembles, that nny hand shakes like palsy — there aint a 
 steady hand on board. 
 
 They say a rolling stone gathers no moss ; how tha 
 is, I don't kno a^, as I never saw one that kept rolling 
 about; but I know that a rolling limb loses a great deul 
 of skin. My sea chest is growing fast into a hair trunk. 
 It k already covered with the skin of my shins, and, 
 in this hot, greasy place, the hair will, doubtless, soon 
 begin to grow upon it. We have " fresh rolls " every 
 minute; and a man may well be said to urii iiis wages, 
 who does nothing but boil water all day. 
 
 The sun has tanned all my skin, and > e steamed 
 oak has tanned all my clothes ; the consequence is, my 
 linen is all leather, and I am become a shining charac- 
 ter and a polished gentleman. I am a nigger ; * man- 
 cipate ' me, dear ma, for you know not what I suffer. 
 All the water is. so hot, it scalds; all the iron so heated, 
 it burns ; while the whole ship hisses at you. The tr.- 
 bubbles up through the seams, and your feet stick fast 
 to the planks; and when you complain, they tell yon, 
 you are an upright man, steadfast and im.moveabi'e ; 
 but, being "decked up,' is not so pleasant as yju'd 
 think. J 'd a thousand times rather be * tricked out,* 
 which I intend to be, when I return. I have no ob- 
 jection to stick to my profession, but I don't wish '.o 
 stick in it ; and its no use to talk of promotion to a man 
 who can't get a step. 
 
 Though 1 often get a wigging, I can no longei comb 
 my hair, for it has become a pitch plaster, and my 
 head looks like a swab of oakum dipped in tar. It is 
 humbling to think I should be so disgraced, as to make 
 it my whole study how to ' pick a lock.' Ward off 
 this disgrace, dear ma, for you can't judge of officers 
 afloat, from what you see of them ashore. They pi 
 on sea-manners with sea-clothes ; and instead of look- 
 
r^ :Fm tar.ys and Yankee letters. 79 
 
 III? ^' W-J]^ King of Hearts, as they do in harbour 
 
 >irv: alongside to look at the shin, th 
 
 01 tlip . l.it!, where they broached the lofk^r «^i 
 bouseu.out champaign, and hock, which thevov?r 
 hauled m great style, and Movved-away „i h ^ X* 
 of cake and negus. It was all as quiet as a calm ind 
 no cats-paw a moving on the wale?. The last Sin.. » 
 man would dream of in such weather was a sou^H 
 «head. But w:,en I came on board whhrnv ?an 
 and wa. regularly entered in the ship's books Ld we 
 ."irly got under way, it was no longer 'what chepr 
 
 ZZT' L '•"' '"*"8-"P' ""d hailing i. a voice of 
 Hninf.h \ '"^^ r""S"«'-' ^^hat the devil are vou 
 domg there? you land-lubber rascal you ; if vou don't 
 go forward and attend to vour d.itv .;r i" ^j J 
 
 f I don't give you a tal^^of he^^o^^'-s' e'/'^'s'o'' 
 dear mother, as soon as we heave in si^ht nf p' i S' 
 hang out a signal for a boat?asho e, Ind fus?"af wo 
 round- to at the dock, take your departure for home 
 
 Kood iThef 1 '.h ^"'"' ^"''^ ''"'""• '""' 'hat's a S?; 
 gooa mother, is the constant prayer of 
 
 Your dutiful son, 
 
 ViLLIERS SCROGGINS. 
 
80 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 •"■! 
 
 111 
 
 ■■::( 
 
 ■I\ 
 
 Bi^ "" 
 
 No X. 
 
 LETTER 
 PROM A LAWYER'S CLERK. 
 
 Dear Saunders — 
 
 Notwithstanding father's having issued his *ne 
 exeat regno ' when I appHed for * leave to move ' here, 
 [ am safe and sound "within the hmits" of the Great 
 Western, aid bound "beyond sea." '. assure you, 
 this ship is no " clausum " frigid, but as regular a 
 •* fiery facias ^ as you would desire to see, a perfect 
 hot-hel!, as the Scotch call it, or, as they might, with 
 more propriety say, "an auld reeky;" but what we 
 of 'he temple, call an immense "flotsam." As our 
 policy is to go straight, and not " extra viam," there is 
 little fear of a " deviation," and so I presume we shall 
 have a short, as well as a pleasant voyage. The " bar I 
 try " of the steward, being covered by the " Premium," 
 I W'ill probably endeavour to illustrate the meaning of 
 that term ere long"; at present, whatever I eat, is 
 
 * pervad ' with an immediate ' ejectment,' and although 
 I am constantly in the act of drinking, and desirous of 
 
 * taking the benefit of the act,' yet I do not find it, as I 
 fondly hoped and expected, * an act for quieting pos- 
 session ;' and I must say, that in my present situation, I 
 much prefer a ' retainer' to a ' refresher.' How often, 
 dear Saunders, have I been tempted in days by gone, 
 to throw " Coke " into the fire ! and I assure vou, it is 
 (juite delightful to see with how little ceremony they 
 do it here. If the great text-writer v.'ere on board 
 with his bulky commentator, he would dislike * Coke 
 upon Littleton ' as much as others do, and stand quite 
 as good a ciiance of being floored, as his juniors. Al- 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 81 
 
 though we have no 'jury box,' we have a 'jury-mast,' 
 and yet there is, I regret to say, no exemption from 
 being often "empannellcd," as numerous 'indentures' 
 in my sides and ' postea,' bear painful testimony. You 
 take your place here opposite your berths, but as the 
 ' benchers ' have dropped oiY fast, there is rapid pro- 
 motion towards the head of the saloon. As I was 
 late, 1 am low down on the list, for they ' forestalled ' 
 all the good places, by 'entering an appearance first/ 
 and there is no changing the 'venue' allowed here 
 without consent, or, in case of ' non-residence.' This 
 ' rule is peremptory,' and, like poverty, brings you ac- 
 quaintance with strange company. There arc many 
 things I shall enter into my ' demurrer book,' relative 
 to the accommodation on board of this ship so, that if 
 i ever have a ' venire de novo ' on board of her, I may 
 be more comfortable. One of the first would be, to 
 move a " repeal of the black act," for I protest againsi 
 African servants, as strongly as a quaker does against 
 slaves. They are excessively disagreeable, and I shall 
 serve Captain Claxton with a ' notice of enquiry ' on 
 this subject, and he may ' move to amend,' if he thinks 
 proper. As things now stand, it is perfectly absurd 
 for him to make declarations ' de bene esse,' and to 
 state to the public, that the committee are disposed to 
 go ' any extent in aid ' of the passengers, v.hen he 
 suffers the cabin .j ho perfumed, and the company 
 poisoned by these oily, itchi-nous negroes. He ought 
 to be given to understand, and indeed, made ' scire fa- 
 cias,' that as we pay in ' a large sum of money,' there 
 IS 'no justification' that can be pleaded, or any ' ex- 
 honoretur entered ' for any act of the steward or his 
 partners ; in short, for nothing that happens on board, 
 * except under the Lord's act.' 
 
 Another objection that I shall take, is the flicilitv, 
 with which people in the adjoining cabins and ' vicin- 
 age' have ' oyer' of all you say, and by ' suggesting 
 breaches' in the partition, may 'inspect' your ' proceed- 
 
--f,ll 
 
 •J 
 
 82 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 ings' a * recognoisance' that is not very pleasant, espe- 
 cially as the object of all privacy is to avoid having 
 "iiul tiel record" of your sayings and doings— aP 
 though no man is more reluctant, than I am to take 
 exceptions, especially while " in t.-ansitu" or more dis- 
 posed to take things as I find them, yet in justice to 
 myself, I must have "a certiorari to remove such 
 causes" of complaint, as a teste' of my being in 
 earnest io prevent imposition. * If the question can be 
 put at all,' I should like to ask, and I think I have ' a 
 right to put it,' why the bread is so badly baked? 
 When I complained of it to the steward, he had the 
 insolence to reply that it was made soft intentionally 
 for the use of the young "John Does" on board, but 
 that he " would strike me off the rolls" if J did not like 
 them, and in case I preferred, what he understood, few 
 lawyers did, * a consolidated action,' my ♦ daily allow- 
 ance of bread' should be toasted. It is natural I should 
 feel crusty at such impertinence and wish ' a stay of 
 proceedings' of this nature. Indeed I have grown so 
 thin I feel entitled to bring an action on the case 
 against the capfain. I shall have a 'devastavit' against 
 the steward, for the wine is flat, stale, and unprofitable, 
 [in consequence of the insufliciency of the " estopples" 
 which are most inartificially drawn, and ' absque tali 
 causa' would be better with the « clerk of the pipes.' 
 
 There are several ladies on board 'feme seule' and 
 *feme couverte,' but as I have no intention to be 
 ♦* ungues accouple" for at least « infra sex annos," my 
 master will have no occasion to be alarmed at it as an 
 act " per quod servitium amisit." They are however 
 a very agreeable " sot off" of a * dies non on shipboard 
 to the "prolixity" of our "procedings." My "prochien 
 ami" is a girl of eighteen years of age, beuutiful as 
 a houri ; but alas ! she has not only " nulla bona" of 
 which I could have an immediate " habere facias pos- 
 sessionem," but unfortunately " nil habet in tenemen- 
 tes," or I do not know that I would not perpstrate 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTEES. 83 
 
 marriage with her 'nunc protunc,' but really I have 
 no Idea of committing an unprofessional and I may add 
 ungentlemanlike « misjoinder" with poverty, ir^ -an- 
 not live in proper style when married, and as becomes 
 a person ot my station in life, I prefer not havin^Zn 
 attachment" at all, which in suc^h case wouH Te"htcr" 
 ally as well as figuratively "a crimind proceeding "1 
 Matrimony is a great " limitation of action ;" it is verv 
 apt to involve a man in that most disagreeable and dis- 
 reputable affair "a distress for rent," and whal perhans 
 
 "oZrllei-'a'ndt "'^'^t" '"•"> '° ''^'"^ ^^'-"'1^ 
 overruled and having his "judgment reversed" with- 
 
 out even the tjsual formalities of having "cause shown" 
 
 conhdence of professional secresy,) who had never 
 given a cognovit' to any other practitioner, and X 
 could convinc;, me that " nil debii" that she had in her 
 own and not in " auter droit" a sufficiency of "assets" 
 and a respectable sum of money in hand arising Cm 
 some good and valid "last „i/land testamcnrin'al 
 dition to the "estate in tail," why then, my dear fel- 
 low, let "me confess" at once tlmt if his" were he 
 case and "site fecit st-curum" I should makenoobicc! 
 lion to a " procedendo," and bringing ihe suit to " Se" 
 at once without waiting for leSve'of " prfncla Is '^ 
 It IS a way of getting into " the stocks" at once L^ 
 and honourable, and of all mo„ey-I know of none%o 
 
 money. The -usual costs' arisincr from mairin<,B 
 
 mensa ct thoro" are not easy to be Conceived 3 
 
 althoi! .. have reason to fear I shall begin life, I h- •■ 
 
 no vyish to iermin.ate it " in f,rma paupwi.; ;" for vou 
 
 •"^Is S'^r '■' »"'<'«<""«-"- between havng 
 „. 'r ..f t^^l^Tl "^ amusement to which v. ° 
 
 present therefore I am not disposed to sjive mv fair 
 01. a "notice of trial," but ratlfcr to insisl"; "a^;^;,' 
 
84 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 Talking of pleading, puts me in mind of ' aa issue' 
 joined wi. . a shark which we "capiased" to-day. In 
 the first attempt, he made " an escape," but was * re- 
 taken' on a * new trial.' He is one of that species that 
 sailors call « honest lawyers." He was dreadfully con- 
 vulsed (though not with laughter) and struggled to 
 "rescue" himself for a long time, nor ceased till he 
 died ; but " actio personalis moritur cum persona." 
 
 It \s my intention to visit Massachusetts (d. massa- 
 chooso-it) and Connecticut (d. connexion-I-cut), and 
 when there, to study their laws and jurisprudence, for 
 " non sum informatus" on this subject ; and I trust my 
 father will approve of my not losing sight o( my vo- 
 cation while thus employing my * vacation.' 
 
 When I obtain answers to all my interr gatories 
 "concerning these matters, I will put you imj posses- 
 sion" of them. In the mean time, "arrest yv.ur ju((g- 
 ment." The only point not necessary to "re orve,'' i>» 
 the truth with which 
 
 I am, dear Saunders, 
 
 Yours always, 
 
 Ri'i'HARii Roe 
 
 No. XI. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM A TRAVELLER BEFORE HE HAD 
 TRAVELLED 
 
 My dear Mac — 
 
 My Publisher has had the assurance to make an 
 excuse of my never having been in America, to offet 
 me only half price for my travels, and I have therefore 
 concluded to mal- a flying visit to that country, so as 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 85 
 
 w J'Ih f ^^'f ^"^ u^^T- ^^ ^^« ^» ^^i" that I pro. 
 tested that people who had never seen the Colonies 
 
 made capital speeches, wrote elegant dispatches, and 
 
 framed Constitutions for them ; that one man who had 
 
 only seen Canada from a steam-boat and the Castle 
 
 "l^^tT'f'Tl't ^"? ^^"^^^ ^"d ^he United Sta^s! 
 ne ther of which he had ever been in, and drew a mt 
 
 nute comparison of their general app'earance Ind The 
 
 hr.bits and feelings of the people; that another was 
 
 seized in bed in Romney Marsh, and sent out to nS 
 
 ^ZITa ^' ^^«^«^«on and in short, that personal 
 knowledge and practical experience were apt only to 
 engender prejudice and cloud the understanding. He 
 admitted it all, but said he wanted to have " inddents 
 
 m.!ce'[hr '1'rf ^'^^^'-^^ ^^^ "^"^^ ca^icXres, to 
 make the work take, to give it effect,- in short, some- 
 
 w.fn/'"'^' something that would cover untrodden 
 ^1 €>una. 
 
 r tm therefore off in the Great Western, and I hone 
 to scour the country in eight weeks, by start ngS 
 once after my arrival, for the extreme points. I fhall 
 
 and rnnl77'"'*' '^ P™1™^ ^y '"«='™ of rail-road 
 and canals, from whence 1 will dash in among the 
 
 Pawnees, and kill a buffalo, and from the hunters IwiU 
 
 fcen'J ir"' '? f V^' '''"^'l- I ^"' 'hen v s tThe 
 scenes of recent disturbance in Canada, and obtain an 
 interview with some of the rebel leaders, and by "h«s 
 fhe Ivtf ? T''""'^}"^'' S'^^ » -"^gnificent id^ea of 
 the hoi! .n ^'""""^ '•'"'^^ 8""'= o^^--- I h«ve had 
 
 fiP "in ?, , ^h '"Vf'^^/f « of it. and have notkng to 
 t e r»,^w J'^'y"'',"'^ anecdotes. I have avo.^ded 
 Morrv^t L"!l r"""^ ?'*°P!''* ^y Ha". Hamilton, ana 
 ana vhvl'l ^- • ™ 8'??, " ^" e'^borate scientific a.id 
 IZITI r""'- "' '^1'°"''= '^' B°°'= embraces the 
 Donnhl o'?"^"!' ""1 "*'""™' ■•eso"'-ces, area and 
 popi lalion. ad. Political statistics, including govern- 
 ment, revenue and expenditure, civil, military and na- 
 
86 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 
 vai affairs. 3d. Moral statistics, (that is a title will 
 j>lease the rads. vastly) including religion and educa- 
 tion. 4th. Medical statistics, including comparative 
 mortality, &c. 5th. Economical statistics, including 
 agriculture, manufactui js, navigation, trade, &c. All 
 this is done, and is, in my opinion, devilish w^ell done, 
 for a man who knows nothing about it, but the United 
 States almanacks, road manuals, newspapers and guide 
 books, have furnished abundant, and, I am inclined to 
 think, authentic information. 
 
 It is but to hash up the cold collations of my prede 
 cessors. The deductions and theories from these facts 
 I feel I can draw as well in London as in America. 
 In this ihe publishers agree, but they say th y want 
 life; "verisimilitude," is their word, and "striking 
 incidents." The politics are on the safe side — uhra- 
 radicals. I have applied a sledge-hammer to the 
 church in the colonies ; blown up the rectories, and 
 clergy reserves, sky-high ; gone the whole figure for 
 responsible governments; (though between you and 
 me, and the nost, I can't, for the soul of me, under- 
 stand the difference between that, in the sense demand- 
 ed, and independence,) for ballot, universal suffrage, 
 and short parliaments; and illustrated these things by 
 their practical working in the new states of America. 
 As respects the house of Lords, that is a delicate sub- 
 ject. My friend .... fell foul of it, and charged it 
 with legislating in ignorance and inattention. This 
 course may do for him, but, for obvious reasons, I 
 think it imprudent in me. His section is the most aris- 
 tocratic of the parties at present, and I doubt if it 
 would serve my turn to follow him. The church is a 
 different thing. That is fair game ; and I am, in this 
 liberal age, backed by high authority, for giving it no 
 quarter. Besides, it is not a " church militant." I have 
 gone beyond Brougham in this, who swears it was the 
 church which was the cause of the rebellion in Canada. 
 As respects the state of slavery in the States, I have 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 87 
 
 gathered anecdotes on board, from some travellers 
 that are capital, especially of Jefferson sellinLr his own 
 chilrlren— flogging others, and playing the very devil: 
 of a descendant of Washington being a slave and set 
 up at auction ; and of a white wife being compelled to 
 wait upon the black mistress of her husband; and so 
 on. Jalking of slaves, reminds me of the Barbadoes 
 Globe of the 15th August, which I send you. Read 
 the sermon of an abolition captain Somebodv. It is 
 capital. I wish it s,3rved our views to insert' it : if it 
 did, 1 would do so, for it would make an excellent ar- 
 tide, particularly where he points to one of their mas- 
 ters, and tells the negroes they must not kill him— must 
 not hate him for his cruelties, and so on ; like the old 
 ^ory of not ducking the pick-pocket, It is uiagnificent I 
 1 hat fellow ought to head a commission— the Quakers 
 should put hini into parliament. 
 
 Of lynching, I have got some choice stories; and 
 wil endeavour to pass through the state where they 
 took place, to give them from the spot. Of the bowie- 
 knife— Arkansaw tooth-pick, and other stillettoes, in 
 use among the settlers on the Indian borders, I im- 
 ported a specimen when I began the work, and had 
 drawings made in London. On waste lands in the co- 
 lonies, some people we wot of, have made capital 
 speech^, I understand, as I have written my book 
 Irom official returns, and fancy. I hear they are right 
 in part, and in part wrong; the right part, everv body 
 knew— the wrong, no. body ever heard of before. I 
 will "discuss most learnedly" on this matter. I can 
 boast, now, that I am an eye-witness. Ego te intus et 
 in cute novi; which is more than either of them can 
 say, at any rate. I have made out the following list 
 ot subjects for anecdotes, which, like a cork jacket, 
 will make the body of the book float lightly. The ap- 
 petite of the public is like that of the boa-constrictor, 
 It IS not satisfied with less than the whole hog. 
 Lynching— spitting— gouging— steam-boats blown up 
 
.■ , ■'nt! 
 
 ;■'] 
 
 88 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 — slavery — sales and breeding of slaves — licentious 
 manners of the South — slang expressions of the East 
 and West — border doings in Canada — Clay — President 
 — Webster — ignorance of the fine arts — bank frauds — 
 land frauds — stabbing with knives — dinner toasts — 
 flogging in the United States navy — voluntary system 
 — advantage of excluding clergymen from schools, in- 
 stance, Girard's College, &c. — cruelty to Indians — ra- 
 venous eating — vulgar familiarity — boarding houses — 
 list of names of drink — watering places — legislative 
 anomalies, and tricks of log-rolling bills — anecdotes of 
 Papineau — Sir John Colborne and Lord Durham — and 
 some few of woman, perhaps, the most attractive of 
 all. These I can gather from travellers, and from par- 
 ty-men, who, in all countries, never spare their oppo- 
 nents ; and from country journals, and the speeches of 
 mob orators. It will spice the work, afford passages 
 for newspaper puffs and paragraphs, and season the 
 whole dish. 
 
 All this can be accomplished in eight weeks, easily. 
 The Americans live in steam-bc its, rail-cars, stage- 
 coaches, and hotels, so that I shall see them at home 
 while travelling, and of their domestic manners, ask 
 freely of any one I meet. It is not necessary to give 
 dates ; no one will know when I arrived, when I de- 
 parted, or how long I was in the country. Dates are 
 awkward boys, they are constantly getting between 
 your legs and throwing you down. I will give the 
 whole a dash of the democracy of the new school, be- 
 ing both anti-church and anti-tory, in my opinion. I 
 will talk of general progression — of reform measures— 
 of the folly of finality, and so on. It will take, my dear 
 boy — it will do. — I shail go down as well as any ultra- 
 Liberal of the day. I think I see the notices of it al- 
 ready : — 
 
 This is a great work. — Sun. 
 
 This work is eminently entitled to public favour.-* 
 Weekly Dispatch. 
 
 * 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 89 
 
 This is at once a profound and entertaining work. 
 We never observed any thing before so remarkably 
 beautiful as the illustrations. The views are distin- 
 guished for picturesque effect and importance of sub- 
 
 ia^Sr,-^"® drawmgs are accurate and exquisite.— 
 Ine I own. . 
 
 It has been said, that Hogarth's pictures are read, 
 and the same may be said of the prints in the volume 
 before us.— Examiner. 
 
 Of Mr. Grant's work, it is impossible to speak in terms 
 of sufficient approbation. The enlarged views, varied 
 and accurate information on all topics of general inter- 
 est, and the liberal and enlightened tone of thinking, 
 that pervades this book, jus.tly entitle him to rank 
 among tfie most profound thinkers, and successful 
 writers, of the present day. We cordially consratu- 
 late film on his eminent success, and the public on so 
 valuable an addition to its literature. More we can- 
 not say. — Su:irist. 
 
 This is decidedly the best book ever written on 
 America.Sundai/ Times. 
 
 This work is entitled to a place by the side of Lord 
 Durham s masterly report: higher praise it is impossi- 
 ble to accord.—Mormng Chronicle. 
 
 Then follow " The Beauties of Grant,"— how well 
 It sounds! Think of that, master Mac. That— that— 
 IS fame. If you could get me made a member of some 
 ot the London Societies, during mv absence, it would 
 
 nr M^'z-^^^c.'^T'^^ ^"^ '^^' ^" ^■^- S" o^ M. L. S., 
 n J / ^^^^^ '^"^'^ "^»^® "^^ the title-page, looks 
 well, and what you say then, comes ex catheara as it 
 were. You speak as a man having authority, you 
 are a « most potent, grave, and reverend signior," and 
 entitled to be heard among men. I would not mind 
 the expense of the thing, could it be managed, for the 
 sake of the eclat it would give me and mv work, and 
 lor the pleasure too of letting all the world know the 
 tact, asi my volume, I hope, cannot fail to do. 
 8* 
 
■■•1: 
 
 90 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 Murray's book is dedicated to the Queen by special 
 permission, and that alone is a feather in the author's 
 cap. A book ihat is inscribed in this formal manner, 
 is supposed to be read, at least, by its patron. Now, 
 although I have no pretensions to this honour, my 
 views ought to make my book a favourite with the 
 parties whose cause I so strongly advocate, particu- 
 larly that portion which demonstrates the necessity of 
 conciiiatipg rival sects, by a total rejection of the Bible 
 from the 'Jommon Schools of the nation ; and I con- 
 fess, I shall entertain the hope that Lord B will 
 
 interest himself to obtain for me, the special permis- 
 sion of the Marquis of Locofoco, to dedicate my tra- 
 vels to him. His « imprimatur" is, I admit, no great 
 advantage in a^ literary point of view, but politically 
 it is of the frrst importance. It will give it " the Tower 
 mark," — it will pass current then as coin. And now, 
 hurrah for the Pawnees— the Texans, and the Cana- 
 dians—and Yankee town, and then for " Travels in 
 the United States of America, the Texas and British 
 Provinces, with minute and copious details of their 
 geographical, political, moral, medical and economi- 
 cal statistics, including interesting anecdotes of distin- 
 guished living characters, incidents of travel, and a 
 description of the habits, feelings, and domestic life of 
 the people. Illustrated by numerous drawings and 
 sketches taken on the spot by the author. By Gregory 
 Grant, F. R. S. and M. L. D. Dedicated, by special 
 permission, to the Marquis of Locofoco." 
 
 Here is the pilot on board. All is bustle and confu- 
 sion. God bless you! dear Mac. Don't forget the 
 F. R. S. or some other A. S. S. society. Adieu. 
 
 Yours always, 
 
 Gregory Grawt. 
 
 
YANKEii YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 01 
 
 No. XII. 
 
 LETTER FROM A STOKER. 
 
 Dere An — 
 
 Last night as ever was in Bristul CaptainClaxton 
 ^ed me for to go to Americka on board this steeme? 
 Big West un as a stoker, and them as follered me all 
 along the rode from Lunnun may feller me there two 
 f they hks and be damned to em' and much good m^y 
 
 the U States were every man is free to do as he nleseth 
 and ax no uns l,f neither, and where is no pelei^! nor 
 reformt • ""^ «^«'«' ■>"'■ n«w gates, and L need of 
 
 I couldnt sleep all nite for lafeing when I thort ou 
 they'd stare wen they eared i wass ofT and tuck the 
 plate of Lord Springfield off with me and thej look- 
 ing al r^nd Bnstnl and ad their panes for thei^ trou- 
 ble. I haven't wurk so ard sinse I rund away from 
 former Doggms the nite he was noked off his orse and 
 made to stand, and lost his purs of munny as he got 
 
 uJfr -r™' -f' ' 'T ''"T I "''«<! f°' « Stoker. X 
 blest 1 It arn't cruel ard wurk ear. I wurks in the 
 cole ole day and nite, a moving cole for the fen ss 
 which never goes out but burns for ever and ever and 
 
 wat I drinT "■' " "i° °' "y '"°""' '^ ««ted ^ 'hat 
 wat I drinks smox and isses as if it wur a ort iron 
 
 and my flesh ,s as dry as ung beef and the only con 
 
 ad a nabbed me afore I left Bristul, i'J owin to BiU 
 Sawyer peachm on me. 
 
 No wun would no me now for I am as black as ths 
 
 fc.-! 
 
IMAGE EVALUATION 
 TEST TARGET (Ml -3) 
 
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 Photographic 
 
 Sciences 
 Corporation 
 
 23 WEST MAIN STREET 
 
 WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580 
 
 (716) 872-4503 
 
'^^^ 
 
 
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92 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 aco of spades as was and so is my shurt, and as for 
 dene shetes how long wood they be clene and me in 
 them., and my skin is cracked like roasted pig, when 
 tneie be not fat enuf to baste it or yu to lazy to da 
 it, which was often your case and well you cort it for 
 it two, when I was out of sorts which was enuf to vex 
 a man as risked his life to get it, and then my eyes is 
 soar with dust as comes from the cole, and so stiff I 
 avent power to shute tiicm because they be so dry, and 
 my mouth tasts sulfur always as bad as them as goes 
 to the devil in ernest i*s Sally Mander did, I have no 
 pease at all and will not be sorry when its over if i sur- 
 vive it, blow me if I will. I smells like roste beaf and 
 the rats cums smellin round me as if they'd like to ave 
 a cut and cum agin, but they will find it a tuf business 
 and no gravy as the french man said who Hved two 
 hull weaks on his shuse and dide wen he cum to the 
 heles, which he said was rather two much, but I can't 
 say I like their company a morsel more nor bill Saw- 
 verses and blast me if i donte be even with him if ever 
 he comes to Americka for that gud turn he did me in 
 blowing on me for the silver wich if he adnt dun ide 
 a bin living at my ease at ome with you and may be 
 marrid you if you and the children ad behaved well 
 and showed yourselvs wurthy of it, as it is i cant say 
 whether we are to mete agin or not, but I will rite to 
 you when I lands the plate and let you no what my 
 prospet is in my line in New York. Then my shuse 
 is baked so ard; they brake like py crust and my 
 clothes wat with wat cum'd out of me like the rain at 
 fust, and the steme that cums out likewise, which is 
 oncredibill, and wat with the dust as cum out of the 
 cole, is set like mortur and as stiff as sement, and 
 stand up of themselves as strate as a Christian so they 
 do, and if I ad your and in my and it wood melt like 
 butter, and you that is so soft wood run away like a 
 candel with a thief in it, so you are better off where 
 you be than ere till I cool down agin and cum too for 
 
YANKEE TAliN-S AND YANKEE LETTERS. 93 
 
 Fme blest if I woodnt set a bed on fire I'me so ort. 
 This is orrid wurk for him as has more silver in his 
 bag than arf the passengers as, and is used to do as 
 little wurk as the best of them is. 
 
 I got urted in my cheek with a stone that busted 
 arter it got rud ort in the grate, an flew out with an ex- 
 ploshun like a busted biler, only I wish it ad been water 
 insted, for it would ave been softer nor it was, for it was 
 as ard as a cannon ball, it noked down to of my teeth, 
 and then noked me down, and made a smell like 
 searm a orse's tail with red ort iron, which is the cause 
 of Its not bleeding much, tho it swelld as big as a tur- 
 nip, which occashuns me to keep wun eye shut, as its 
 no use to open it, when its swelld all over it, for I cant 
 sea. If thats the way peopel was stoned to deth, as 
 Ive eard, when I was a boy, when there was profits 
 in religion, it must have been a paneful end, as I no to 
 my cost, who was most drownded, holden my ed in a 
 tub of water to squench the red ort stone, which made 
 the water two ort to bear any longer, and wen I tuked 
 it out, it was two much eated to old in my and. My 
 feet also looks like a tin cullinder, or a sifter all full of 
 small oles, were the red ort sinders have burned into 
 the bone. Them as node me wunce, woodnt sware to 
 me now, with a ole in my face as big as my mouth, 
 that I adn't afore, and too back teeth out, as J adn't 
 afore, and my skin as black as ink, and my flesh like 
 dride cod fish, and my hair dride wite and frizzed with 
 the eat like a neagurs, or goose fethers in ort ashes 
 to make quills ; and I'me able to drink a gallon of Por- 
 ter without wunce taking breth, and not feel it for 
 evvaporation, and my skin so kivered with dust and 
 grit, you could sharpen a knife on it, and my throte 
 furred up alike a ship's biler; and me, that cood 
 scarcely scroudge thro a windur, that can now pass 
 out of a kee ole and not tare my clothes in the wards. 
 Wun cumfit is, I was not see-sick, unless being sick of 
 sea, for I have no licked in me, for watever I eat is 
 
mim 
 
 94 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 Daked into pot py, and no gravy, which cums off tho 
 grate eat in the furniss, and burns rases no blisters, for 
 they aint any watter inside to make wun, on'y leves a 
 mark as the ort poker does on the floor, and wen my 
 turn cums to sleap, its no longer a tinning this side and 
 then that, and then rolling back again, a trying and 
 not being able, for thinking and talking, but sleep cums 
 afore I can ly down, and all the pellise at Bo Street 
 woodnt wake me no more than a corpse, wen I am 
 wunce down in ernest. If I wusn't in a urry I'd stick 
 them up with working Hke a orse in the mail that runs 
 day and night and never stops. It woodn't be long 
 afore I'd nock off a bolt, or skru or nut or somethink 
 of that kind which ud caus them to let out steam and 
 repair, which wood give half a days rest to wun, but 
 as its the furst and the last of my stokering, why the 
 sunner there is an end to it the better. No man could 
 identical me with a safe conshience and no pergury, 
 so if the Yankees spend their money as I ar heard till 
 since I took passidge, on their backs instead of carry- 
 ing it in their pockets, i may return after a short alibi 
 to you and the children, which will depend on ow you 
 aul up in time and keeps out of Low company, that is 
 barring accidents for there is no noing what may 
 appen, for them as carrys booy nives behind the capes 
 of their coates, and pistuls in their pockets insted of 
 pistoles are ugly customers, and a feller may find him- 
 self deliverd of a mistake afore he noeth where he is, 
 for they are apt to save the law a job are them knives, 
 so they are, and I'de rather trust to a jug missing fire 
 or not hitting his man any time than to side arms, for 
 them big wigs oftener ang fire than ang a man. They 
 are bad things them cut and thrusts for both sides, as 
 Tom Hodge used to say, — He who stabbeth with his 
 tung is in no danger of being ung, but he who stabbeth 
 with his nife is damd apt to lose his own life. 
 
 When you receive this letter, go to Black friars, to 
 the Swimmers, and in the four foot of the bed, in the 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 95 
 
 left room, in the garrit, as I used to use, when bisnis 
 caJed, you will find the same oiler as in yours bed- 
 stead, and take the gold sneezer as is there, which will 
 raise the wmd ; and be careful, as there is no noin 
 when we may meet, or whether I will av time to send 
 you any blunt or no, which will depend on how vou 
 conduct behind my back; I don't mene this by way of 
 discouragement, but to int you are too fond of drink 
 and kepmg company with needy mizlers, to kepe se^ 
 crets for any wun without bringing him to the crap. 
 And, now that I'me in another wurld, I expect you 
 will give luse to your own inwenshuns, which will be 
 the rum of you, yet, as well as them as has the pies- 
 sure of your ackwaintance, in wich case you don't ear 
 agin from me ; and I will luk for sum wun as nose 
 f^o-v to place a proper valy on adwice when they gets 
 It, which wasn't your case for sum tim gone. My 
 present sitiyashin as all cum of not noing how to be 
 silent, or bill bawyer cudn't av ruined me in my bis- 
 nis—but, never mind, its a long lane that has no turn 
 in it,..as the chap sed to conshole himself in the tred- 
 mill. 
 
 Remember me to Jim Spriggins, who is the primest 
 ruthng cove I ever shared a swag with. Tell him 
 1 me no transport, though I'me bound over the water 
 for I me just visitin furrin parts, as the gents do, on 
 account of having lived too free at home, and that I 
 ope to nap many a reader with him yet, if Providence 
 ble^es our undertakings. So, no more at present time, 
 
 Your loving friend, 
 
 Bill Holmes. 
 
(HJ YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS, 
 
 No. XIII. 
 
 4 ■ 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM A STOCKHOLDER OP THE GREAT 
 WESTERN TO THE SECRETARY. 
 
 I DULY received your favour, under date of the 30th 
 ult. per Mr. Scribe, the clerk, which came to hand at 
 time of sailing, and note its contents, I notice your 
 request thatj I should forward to you, per first ship, 
 via New York, that leaves after our arrival, touching 
 at an English port, such suggestions and alterations as 
 occur in a careful review of the fixtures, stock in hand, 
 and miscellaneous articles on board, and have great 
 pleasure in executing your order, and hope that the 
 manner will prov^e satisfactory. The first remark on 
 the catalogue I would oflfer, is upon the alarnjing pre- 
 ponderance of Americans on board, they being one 
 moiety or half part of the assortment of passengers 
 mentioned ' the bills of lading of the line cargo, the 
 balance being made up of foreigners, provincials, and 
 English. 
 
 In the event of any sudden breaking cut of hostilities, 
 while on the passage between the two nations, as was 
 recently feared, the provincials might sympathise with 
 the Americans, who are troublesome customers ; and 
 the Poles, I would stake my existence, as natural 
 ^ricnds of liberty, having served an apprenticeship to 
 the business, would side with them ; and the French, 
 'Vom their known antipathy to what they call their 
 mtiquarian enemies, the British, together with the stew- 
 ard and his body-guard, who are all A-freco-Amori- 
 
YANKEE YAKNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 97 
 cans, and whose home, if they can be said to have 
 an>, who are m bondage abroad, is the United States, 
 would be ditto, and not neutral. Reinforced by this 
 extensive additional supply of auxiliaries ai^ainst us 
 they would be enabled to make a run upon thf English 
 captain and his brave countrymen, the stokers"lnd 
 perhaps I^nch thena, .nd seize tli. steamer, which is too 
 last to be overtaken, or too strong to be retaken, or 
 else I am much mistaken. It is not easy to con^m' 
 plate such a stoppage in our line, without feelings of 
 consternation and pamc, and I submit it with all due 
 deference to your honourable board, fo7 oir?e pr"! 
 monitary measure, t^hat shall obviate such an alarming 
 occurrence, as a total loss. Yesterday, when we tho3 
 of making a deviation, and putting into Halifax to as- 
 certain whether Maine and WIrunswick had dt 
 clared war, the Americans put us all into bodily fear 
 that they would put us into confinement, and make 
 prisoners of us without ransom ; and such fears should 
 be removed by removing the moving cause. 
 
 Another serious item, serious from the consequences 
 as well as the magnitude, is that of the number oTSs 
 on board, whereby not to mention waste, the safety of 
 the ship, comprising a very extensive assortment of 
 valuable articles not. necessary to enumerate, and of 
 the passengers, is endangered, as well as that of other 
 vessels and passengers. We have now two acn'ons 
 
 ships, that, mistaking our immense volume of light for' 
 a hght-house mentioned in the coast-book, steerfd ac' 
 cordingly, and were wrecked on the rocky shore 
 which in their yainglorious and boasting iL^aZe 
 they callj iron-bound.'~I have suggested to Mr. Ogdfn' 
 who IS the most eminent counsel in New York, wheS 
 we might not plead or aver, that, if the coast T Ton 
 j'h? th.!! T' '!!T''^' attraction, and not excess of 
 fiight. If this idea prevails, it will cure them of mak- 
 
*i*l 
 
 »■,«.■. 
 
 98 YANKKE YARNS AXD FANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 ing a selection of such hij^h-sounding words to denote 
 ordinary things, and teacn them to substitute facts foi 
 poetic fiction of imagination, in transacting business. — 
 I consider there is great danger of fire, and prospect 
 of immense sacrifice of entire stock, if the strictest re- 
 gard to economy in the distribution of it, is not atti.nded 
 to ; for although the fire of the engine falls into water, it 
 would noi be so easy to make water tall upon the fire ; 
 and fire, as you used to say, sir, very forcibly and ap- 
 propriately, is a bad master, though a good servant. 
 I would, with your kind indulgence, obviate the danger 
 to the premises, by refusing to supply the passenger:: 
 individually with a lamp or candle or ignition of any 
 kind, and order, that when they close the concern and 
 shut up for the night to go to bed, they should be ac- 
 companied \)y a waiter, who should stand by thetn 
 with a dark lantern in his hand, open for the men, but 
 held behind him for the ladies. Premium of insurance 
 would be reduced by underwriters on the policy by 
 this means, and brokerage saved also, as well as the 
 amount of petty average of anxiety. 
 
 As to the stock of provision on board, I would ma- 
 terially alter the assortment of solids and fluids. In 
 this line I would mention the article of soda, four 
 thousand bottles of which were drunk during the 
 voyage, which is an immense consumption, notwith- 
 standing the price at which it was laid in was un- 
 rivalled for cheapness, on account of the liberal dis- 
 count allowed for prompt pay. Such a quantity is 
 injurious to heaUh, being a system of diet that lowers 
 the system of body — occupies the time of the waiters 
 in drawing corks, and is very expensive. It is called 
 for chiefly among the Americans, who, I may say, are 
 the only customers,, and they order it by wholesale ; 
 their principal pleasure, I believe, arising from the ex- 
 plosion resembling that of a rifle; but this is only an- 
 other way of rifling your pockets as they would serve 
 your bodies. I v.ould order the consignees at New 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 99 
 rork, not to lav in so heavy a stock of the article, the 
 very freight o/ which runs up to a considerable um! 
 I would have fewer sorts of dishes and of a better 3 
 and fewer kinds of wines and of a better kind! Agreat' 
 deal cf;T,eat is now wasted besides what is put under 
 
 This^'m: ' '"/h"''"^ '^'""^ '^'y g'^^ ^ prefe^rence to. 
 rhis makes the pas ^engers sick, and keeps them with 
 
 Uie bottles. I humbly conceive this want of apportion- 
 ment, IS bad economy or rather no economy. ' should 
 prefer a se oction of heavy wines, as less would do by 
 50 per cent. It takes a vast deal of light wines to 
 make a man light-headed, and weak wines\ nTan Ly 
 dnnk for a week and feel no stronger for the stowTge 
 
 woulfhff'"' ''P'^"."' to prevent excessive drinkifg 
 Mould be to engage a doctor on reasonable terms, who 
 cc^ld smg well-a good song and a long song between 
 the glasses pi-evenls wasting liquid by its lie°, on the 
 decanters, and every turn of the bottle amon " one 
 hundred and ten passengers costs in exact computation 
 one hundred and ten glasses of wine, which amounts 
 
 co.mt. There IS, It appears to me, an advantageous 
 opening here for an improvement. The article too 
 
 fnd" Pfnn ''''Pfi?'''^ ^'^-^J'- '^ "' ^^ ^^^« commissions 
 and retail profits, and laid in at costs and charges only 
 
 to do business to advantage. I would observe shippin^^' 
 
 charges at Bristol are too high, especially dockage^ 
 
 wharfage, ighterage, and primage, and therefore la^v 
 
 ng in at New York is preferabfe; and, to save cui 
 
 Ine cockr""^^"'^'' ^'''''^ ^^'"^ '^''''^^ ^^ ^"'''"'^^^ ^» 
 There should also be a lieutenant on board ; I do not 
 mean tenants that have left, for. there are always 
 enough of them ; but an officer so called, independent 
 of the mates This officer should have charge of the 
 
 nn I t^^- J^^ ^^^'" .f^^'^^^' ^"d ^f the pSssengers 
 and their baggages, all of whom ought to be in his 
 
100 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 convoy. He sliould prcsiJo oyer the table and relieve 
 the captain of this dej.artment, who, never being 
 brought up to this line of business, is unacquainted 
 with particulars, although emulous to merit public ap- 
 probation and patronage by assiduous attention. In 
 addition to this, the captain is a « Chartist,' and conse- 
 quently not so well fitted for large assemblies. As to 
 the decorations of the saloons, they are most costly, 
 though the prime cost is not to be complained of; but 
 they produce no return. The fabrics are elegant and 
 of durable materials, and warranted of first qualit\% 
 especially the drapery, which is of the newest pattern 
 and fashion. They are now much damaged and stand 
 at the reduced value of remnants, especially the paint- 
 ings. Now, although a mere daub can never become 
 a good picture, yet a fine painting may easily become 
 a mere daub, as is proved on board of this vessel, for 
 the servants are constantly rubbing their dirty hands 
 on them. A touchy servant is the most disagreeable 
 of all attendants, and although I detest one that is 
 thievish, I make no objection at all to one that is light 
 fingered. I would intimate therefore as an addition to 
 your orders, that there should be no more black ser- 
 vants, for it is obvious that a hand that is always black 
 must be dirtier than one that is only occasionally so. 
 Although there is no supper laid, yet* judging from the 
 quantity drunk, there are some tolerable suppers on 
 board ; and anchovies, sardines and salt fish should be 
 carefully excluded from the invoice and considered 
 contraband, as well as all provoking things. He who 
 thirsts after drink ?oon becomes bloodv thirsty, and is 
 a dangerous customer. This is the more unsafe, be- 
 cause in these premises we are constantly kept in hot 
 water. Another improvement would be to remove the 
 tube that runs the whole length of the cabin under the 
 table, and answers no purpose but steaming calves' 
 feet into jell}^ and to place it on the table, where it 
 might run counter to the dishes and be useful in keep- 
 
rANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS 101 
 
 like hot S : and fish that^^'"""! '" ??''' """"• l'^' I 
 is out of ' p4e"-ald nr^f V^'" ""' *»"'«»' 
 .onguos cha'tterbut r^O^^JS,. '""' '"""^ '""-' 
 
 mo^rrtaStKnt'Le'ee t'o'^h """T.^ «'™ 
 us with their custom f^rT„?*L 'i i*""*" "'''° 'a"*'"'- 
 I detest a Lb oHaDs Th^^} '"'"'''■«,« mob cap, 
 
 table, and side walls i.'^^„„IcL'/ln ^'t ^''^''" ">« 
 row for two to nass anrf r?,l • i ""''°' *"■« '"^ "ar- 
 each othe7s^ feef 4 ?frfv &' ^"''°"' "-ospassinj on 
 
 knew before .h:pain\lt^„^"l?srpal:;d'?at^r ^\' 
 
 stha'd'^rLr'J"'''"" '° '•'« "Sm'^f h' 'ts^!) . 
 sne t^ad great repugnance to a " press £pan<r' »nH u j 
 
 "V^'?h°^ f-^'ng "pressed on boaTshfr!"^ ""'' '""' 
 
 her voyage, when they could a be hinZ nf °™' 
 table a„d ^ttendrslVa-iilrtr^,^^^^^^^^^ 
 
 skin To !"/,"""■ T"'''.''^™ '" ^- employed of known 
 able H? h 'u'^r '"''•^'■tising attractive and p°ofit. 
 able. He should be a pupil of doctor Elliotson, or 
 
■•I. 
 
 102 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 some such distinguished man, a person in wcl! establish- 
 ed business, well known to the nobility and gentry 
 generally of his vicinity, and one in whom the public 
 at large has great confidence. Whether so strong an 
 assennblage of magnetic influence would affect the 
 compass deserves consideration, and experimental trips 
 should first be tried on the Thames and other places. 
 For this invention you might obtain a patent, and the 
 Great Western would thereby have a monoply in her 
 line of business, and defy all rival competition by driv- 
 ing others out of the field, or at least out of the sea. 
 
 What a sea of trouble it would save ! what an era 
 
 it would form in naval history! what a blessing to 
 
 ' mankind ! crying children put to sleep — scolding wives 
 
 set at rept — grumblers silenced — drunkards sobered — 
 
 hungry pe6pTe quieted — agitators calmed. 
 
 The cabin would then be fitted up like a museum, 
 every specimen marked, numbered, parcelled, and 
 shelved, and order and regularity restored, while 
 economy and comfort (the you tilly dull sea) would 
 pervade the whole assortmeni.. It is the best expedient 
 I know of to renedy all evils and ensure lasting custom 
 and a safe investment ^or capital as well as please 
 principals. Trusting that this enumeration of items, I 
 have now the pleasure to forvv'ard in executing your 
 commission, will arrive safe to hand and give° satis- 
 faction. 
 
 I am, sir, respectfully. 
 
 Your obedient servant, 
 
 William Wisdom. 
 
rANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 103 
 
 No. XIV. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM A SERVANT IN SEARCH OF A PLACE. 
 
 Dear Tummus — 
 
 Curnel Rackilt having thou proper to sto^ 
 Sherry in the servontp hall, and give porter in sted. I 
 gwe him warning that si ch improper conduct woulc*"* 
 do no longer, as 1 had been always used to Jive with 
 Gentlemen, and to be treated as a footman ort, rut. he 
 sides hvery I wont wear no longer, for no man breath- 
 mg.— It arnt fit one man should wear bondage cloliies 
 to another man, and so I go to Ainericka whore there 
 IS no such word as servant, but assistance and helps 
 and where t?:lents is rewarded as it deserves, and there 
 is no distinctions to be found. 
 
 I av engaged with Captain Haltfront to help him 
 during the voyage and he is to pay my passage, but J 
 didn t engage not to be sea sick, which of course I av 
 thoit proDcr to be, whenever he is on deck, which is 
 not often and consequentially av nothing to do, but eat 
 and drink my allowance which, thank God, I can do 
 very well, and he av the Steward and Ships servants 
 to wait upon him, w..:ch is enuf in all conscience with- 
 out me. In Americka, as I hear. Servants is cedled 
 Misters, and wine and wegetables being on the table 
 and the company handing dishes, helps> las nothing to 
 do but sit down on cheers and read the pioers, unless 
 It be to change a plate now and agin, which is only 
 per former like, ^nd is often taken into business and 
 marries into the family; and wearing no livery can 
 dine at Hotels at public places, if not on duty, and lias 
 
104 YANKEE YAUNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 \i , n 
 
 money to pay for it. Little offences aint thort nothing 
 of where pubHc officers do ihe hke as I hear, and 
 where munny is so plenty, people make a forten some- 
 times by failing in business, which the Steward says, 
 is not uncommon by no manner of means. Howsum- 
 ever I must say I pities Miss Rackilt Curnels dorter, 
 poor thing, for she was unkimmen fond of me, that's a 
 clear case, and would have absconded as quick as wink 
 with me, if I had but thort proper to av sed the wurd, 
 but being dependant upon her father, couldn't keep an 
 establishment, which wouldn't do for me, as I couldn't 
 afford to marry a poor girl, let her beautiful charms 
 be ever so conspikious — I wunder who will tie on her 
 clogs and squeeze her ankles now I am gone, and a 
 prettier foot and ankle aint this day in all Lundun, 
 though perhaps it don't become me to boast o( my no 
 legs in this pint. Her waiting wummun Jane (you 
 node Jane, she that had the fine black eyes) well, Jane 
 was always jealous of her, and I ad enuf to do, I can 
 telly, to pacify her, inting to her it was all her hone 
 imagination, and that I wouldn't touch her mistress 
 with a pair of tongs, and that hartificial flowers like 
 she had no sweetness in them like the real roses of her 
 lips and cheeks ; but wummun do find things out 
 astonishing, and it aint easy to deceive them in matters 
 of the art and eyes, though to my mind she aint no 
 more to be compared to Miss than Sider is to Sham- 
 pane. 
 
 Indeed, missus, herself, wouldn't av had no objec- 
 tions to go off, neither, I can tell you, if I ad consented 
 to lift up my and, and whistled, if it warnt for fear of 
 the curnel ; for she tuk great notis of me, and was pro- 
 per vexed when I gin her warning, and told me, her- 
 self, I was a fool, and didn't know how to valy my 
 place, and complained bitterly she was deceived in me, 
 which she wouldn't av done, at no rate, if she warnt 
 cross, at losing me in such .t sudden manner, for ever 
 But I never did deceive her — never give her no en- 
 
I 
 
 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 105 
 
 couragemeni, on no occasion, whatsumever, for I per- 
 fered miss, by a great deal. Second-and pieces of fur- 
 niture isnt to my taste, by no manner of m.eans; and 
 if she ad pesisted in saying much more, i should av 
 told her so to H-r face; for I didnt like her, for she 
 was old— wore false curls, and ad some teeth that 
 wasnt her hone, and wasnt at all fit for a fancy-wum- 
 mun for any young man like me. 
 
 If ever 1 marrys for muney, I must av g'>od luks, 
 too, or I am off the bargain — thats fla',. 
 
 They has the ballad and universal suffering, as I am 
 informed, in Amerika, and I shall have a vote, in 
 course ; but its no use, as I hear, for voting is consi- 
 dered low, where its so common, and theres no thanks 
 when no wun nose how you votes. So, reform, it 
 seems, is no great shakes, arter all Lord John's flams 
 about it. Public service I should much prefer to pri- 
 vate, as I understands they gets eight dollars a-day, at 
 a place they calls Washington, and great vails, too, 
 besides rising of your tail is large, like O'Connell's, 
 who has the biggest in all Ireland ; for I hear, Steven- 
 son, the Yankee minister, was only a public servant, 
 and no better, an^ rose by his tail, too, as our monkev 
 used to hold-on by his tail, and help himself up. I shall 
 try my luck there ; and if I gets up in the world, who 
 knows but I may come back as a tatchy, or somethink 
 of that sort, to England, some of these days, and show 
 Curnel Rackit what service in Amerika is. One think 
 I av seen, myself, an oflic .r dine at our table, at mas- 
 ter's, who ad seen service in his younger days, himself, 
 and was made as much of, as if he had never stood 
 behind a cheer in his life; and, so far from being 
 ashamed of it, as some people as I nose of would be^ 
 boasted of it, which showed his sense. Poverty aint 
 no sin or disgrace, neither ; and barbers' sons have viz 
 afore now to be pears ; whereas, my real father, as I 
 av heard sai, is a reform member, and high up in office, 
 though my mother had the misfo'tune to be a servant, 
 
 
 4.^ 
 
106 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 which is more than sum can boast of, whose parenta 
 was low people on fathers and mothers side, both. If 
 1 was so fortunate, as to make a forten by marriage, 
 or public service, or become a curnel, myself, which, 
 I hear, is quite common in Amerika, for servants to 
 rise to be curnels, and even generals sometimes, l'^ 
 would cum back, in course to London, to spend it, 
 where life is certainly understood to be spent, andsumly 
 and becoming a man of fortin ; and theatres, and operas 
 is open every nite; and andsum girls and good wine 
 only wants the means ; and perfessing reform opinions 
 gives good interest. Breaking lamps and driving over 
 people on side-paths, and nocking down policemen, is 
 easy learned ; and so is not paying tradesmen's bills, 
 and then running off with another man's wife, wou'd be 
 worth while — it would make a person fashionable, and 
 a great favourite with the wimmen. 
 
 I av heard missus (or rather I should say Mrs. 
 Rackitt,) often call Markiss Blowhard, a villain behind 
 his back, for his love affairs, and that he or* to be shut 
 out of families, for too bad, and be as civil to him next 
 day as if he was Archbishop of Canterberry ; but wim- 
 men always pertend to be shocked* at what pleases 
 them most— and carrying two faces aint confined to 
 no station. Half-seas over to Amerika, makes me feel 
 more nor half free, already ; at all events, I practises 
 making free when opportunity hoffers. 
 
 Says the skipper to me one day (he is a leftenant in 
 fhe navy), says he, * are you Captain Haltfront's ser- 
 vant V Without getting up or touching hats, but set- 
 ting at ease, sais I, I didnt know he had a servant, sir. 
 'Didnt know he had one, sir,' said he, 'pray what the 
 devil do you call yourself if you are not his servant? 
 Why, sir, said I, cocking my head a one side, and try- 
 ing to come Yankee over him, he receives the Queen's 
 pay, sir, and wears her regimentals ; he has an allow- 
 ance for an assistant, which I receive and wear her 
 majesty's cockade, too. We serve her majesty, sir 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 107 
 
 and 1 am under the Captain's command—do you take, 
 8:r f ' Why you infernal conceited rascal !' said he, 
 It you were under my pommand, sir, instead of his. 
 Ide let you know dam quick whose servant you were.' 
 Ah ! very like, sir, said I, keeping my seat, and cross- 
 ing one leg over the other free and easy, and swingincr 
 my foot, very like, sir, but you dont happen to hav? 
 tnat honour, sir, and my passage money is paid to vour 
 masters t..e owners of this boat at Bristol, which hap- 
 pens to alter the case a bit.— you can go, sir. ' Go, 
 sir, said he, 'why dam your eyes, sir, what do vou 
 meanf do you want to be triced up, sir?' and he 
 walked away in a devil of a hurry, as if he was so- 
 ing to do something, but he didnt honour me again 
 with his company. ^ 
 
 I have put up with a good deal in my time, Tum- 
 mus, but I puts up with no more. No man calls me 
 servant again unless at eight dollars a day, as a pub- 
 lic one at Washington or Van Buren or Weoster or 
 some of the large cities, where, as I here, no one lives, 
 bu every one passes through, and dent no you again. 
 It that dont do, some other line must. Wine, wimmen 
 and t^.igars IS my motter, and she what bids for me, 
 puis high, Tummns, or che dont av the honour of be- 
 longing to the establishment of 
 
 Your old cumpanion and friend, 
 
 Robert Cooper. 
 
 P. S. When you write to me write this way— 
 
 A Mister 
 
 Mister Cooper 
 
 Poste-restornte 
 
 New York, Amerika. 
 
 I dont know as I av -nelt poste-restornte rite or no, 
 
 •ss the french for let it .lop in the Office till called for. 
 
 /urnel s letters, when he and me was on the Contenent 
 
 Ravelling, had it on, and it looks knowing. The Go- 
 
■**:§«■ 
 
 ,•4. 
 
 108 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 verness will tell you how to spell it, and you may kiss 
 her for thanks, and get another kiss for change. Dont 
 forget the two misters, for these little things mark the 
 gentleman, and it might do me good such letters com- 
 ing to me, especially among females whose curiosity 
 is always on the key-veave, and takes such forrin 
 looking letters for Billy duxes or assassinations of some 
 fair one or another. If the governess would rite the 
 back of the letter herself it would be better, for then 
 the hande-writing would be feminine gender, as Miss 
 Rackitt used to call the Spanish lap dog bitch. 
 
 Yours again, 
 R. C 
 
 No. XV. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM A FRENCH PASSENGER TO HIS 
 FRIEND IN LONDON. 
 
 
 My Dear Sake — 
 
 I have vary mush pleasure to you inform, 1 
 evakuate England on bord de Great Western, on de 
 22d ultimo, wid vary little wind and smooth watare, 
 and next day it dropt astarne, and was lost to de view 
 altogedare. I cannot tell if I speak de truth, I was 
 soary to leave it behind me. De smooth watare did 
 not long remain, but soon became onraged and ter- 
 rifique, and I grew vary sick, and was brought to bed 
 with nausea and de acke in de head, where I was con- 
 fined myself, and could not prevent for several days, 
 
YANKEE YAHNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 109 
 
 my being delivered of all I eat. Whatever I take 1 
 refuse, and what I swallow I throw away. De sweet 
 IS vary sour, and noting good likes my stomach. 
 
 Uy and by I became round again, and get up, and 
 den vate spectacles for de eyes; de cabin gives one 
 hunder and ten passengare at de table at one and de 
 same tmje, and no confusione but de confusione of de 
 tongs. One tmg on board of de steamboat I vary 
 much do admire, you are not troobled with wind. 
 Blow which ever way he will, backward or foreward 
 install same as one, you go right by de head all de 
 
 I find de English tonge varry tuff, and I am hard to 
 understand. De meaning of de words is so scattared 
 It IS not easy for to gadare dem all at de same tim« 
 to rhuse dat what fits de best to de right place. Dere 
 IS "look out," which is put out your head and see 
 and « look out," which is to haul in your head and not 
 lor to sea just contraire. To day, steward took hold 
 of de sky light, and said " look out," well, I put up my 
 head for to -look out/' and he shut down de sash en 
 It, and gave me a cut almost all over my face with 
 pains of glass, and said dat is not de way to « look out " 
 you should have took your head in. Dat is peating 
 de English into de head wid de devil to it likewise. 
 It keeps me in de boiling watare all de time. When I 
 make in de English Tong mistake, de company all 
 laugh in my countenance, which is vary disagreeable 
 and barbare, but to avoid consequence hostib, I join 
 In de laugh meself, and bark out too at my own biun- 
 dares so loud as the loudest of dem all, but dere is no 
 much pleasure in de practice, but when you shall find 
 yourself in a Romp, you must do as it is done in de 
 Kome. 1 ohteness cannot be hoped have on ship board, 
 where dere of men are many kinds, for you cannot 
 ^^ok to make a silk purse out of de ear of one birj ma, 
 De wedare has been very onfair, and d'^ sea so till ns 
 a mountain, so dat de glasses no more cannot stand 
 10 
 

 110 YANKEE TARNS AND TANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 up, nor de soup sit still in de plate, but slide about as 
 on de ice when it is slippare, and roll over in one 
 united states of confusions, passengare, dinner, and all. 
 We have one dreadful flare up every night in de cabin, 
 which fill me varry full brim of fear, all de same as 
 one light house. What would become of us, if we 
 were to be burned in de watare wid fire ? I uo not 
 know, so many peoples, and so few gigs and boots to 
 get in, and so great way off is de land. Candles and 
 lamps, and ceegars, in every man's mouth widout 
 nombre, and de furnace in de belly of the ship, all 
 burning at de same instant time, make it dangerouse 
 every where, and tho the Captain order one general 
 blow up of dem all at ten o'clock, yet I vary much 
 fear some onderminded person, like de English Law- 
 yer, shall put de candle not under de bushel but oider 
 de bed. As de English shall be vary fond of fires in de 
 night, burning barns, and stacks of hay, and of corn, 
 lo produce one grand effect politique of reform, so I 
 would take de liberty to send you one sketch imagina- 
 tif of dat horreable event, de burning of de Great Wes- 
 tern in de sea, which will give you, I hope, mush plea- 
 sure to see, as it do me to prepare it for you wid 
 pencil. When I was well, I spend my time vary 
 agreeable wid de ladies m de promenade on deck, 
 when de wedare shall give leave, and in making game 
 at cards with snatches of musich,and in de evening in de 
 sheets sketching de figures grotesque of de passengare 
 estrangare, and in ventriloquism, whicH -^oduce effect 
 vary comique, but de passage shall come over almost 
 so fast as my illness was, which no gave me mush 
 time for company. 
 
 So soon as we will slip our cable at New York, I 
 was land, and come visit de Yankee of New England 
 — de Frenchman of Canada — de savage of de wood — 
 de black of de sout — and backwoodsman wat shoot 
 wit de rifle — in succession, and study de democracy 
 of de erevernment. It is a country, unique, I believe, 
 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. Ill 
 
 with abundance of food. Philosophique for reflectione. 
 It is only no more as one-half so grand a conetry as de* 
 Americans on board was boast, it will be de finest 
 conetry in de whole universe globe, for to all tings dey 
 say splendid— magnifique—suparbe. Certain, dey ap- 
 pear one people drole. Niagra is, widout dcut, one 
 grand spectacle, but clumsy, widout shape or elegance, 
 and not to be compared to de sublime water-works of 
 Versailles, which is the bouquet of all— de first u. de 
 world. But to estrangares, who was not visit France, 
 and been so good fortunate as to see that grand artifi-* 
 cial work of de great natione, Niagra may, perhaps, 
 appear wonderful. So it is with Vesuve, in like man- 
 ner. In realita, it fall vary far to de behind of de im- 
 maginatif, in fire-works in de Champs de Mars, in de 
 glorious days of July, at Paris. He who is not seen 
 dat city, my good sare, has seen just noting at all 
 where nature and art form one alliance, intimate, grace- 
 ful, and unique. It is de one place only in de world, 
 for a man vot has taste-literaire, imaginatif, and eas- 
 tronomique. What dey can boast with truth, goot 
 right, in Amerique, if dey only had de taste culinaire, 
 which dey are so misfortunate as not for to be, is de 
 grand reservoirs, de great lakes, and immense rivares 
 of fresh watare, make for dat most delicate morceaux, 
 de frog, which I hear are in great abundance dire, and 
 very fine, sporting demselves, and singing night and 
 cay, like veritable birds, though de musich is not so 
 good as dey eat, which is fit for a king. I make to 
 myself one promise, dey shall compensate for a great 
 deal of de miseraire in de table, but at present, I hear 
 It is so much throw aw^ay upon dem, as pearls before 
 de swine-pigs, dey are so ignoranl, and barbare, as not 
 even to know de dish, but for make laugh. 
 
 In England, also, is one vary great ting wanted In 
 oe educatione of de houses commons of de people, is 
 to have de knowledge of de art to cook de fare, so as 
 to make it fit to eat for de palate and stomach— and 
 
 f 
 
■ V ■"' ^''': 
 
 u , 
 
 112 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 what IS more, to de pockeet, and to make de one-half 
 food dan de whole go furdare. Den you will hear of 
 starving peoples again no more, as before, which cannot 
 be oderwise when more is consumed in waste, in one 
 day, by ignorance, den shall render for de whole week, 
 entire, in consumptione necessaire. It is more better, as 
 cheaper, and let goot cooking of de vitals last only for 
 five year in de conetry, it shall wipe up the nationale 
 debt, till it shall be no more seen, and noting remain. 
 Farte else have enabled France to support de army of 
 Napoleon, or wate is called of occupation, which was 
 of Prusse and Russe, and Anglaix, when combined in 
 round Paris, but de art to cook? or farte now hold up 
 de grand militaire anil navy, or defray de debt of de 
 natione, which is not commerciale, or manifacture, but 
 de art to coqk ? It is de single ting necessaire to gen- 
 eral happiness, riches and health, and widout it, man is 
 no more as a savage, who was waste more as he eats, 
 and eats more as a pig, den human being. 
 
 Lord Brougham (who is distinguish more for what 
 goes out of his mout, den what goes into it) have 
 gone boast, "de schoolmaster is abroad." Veil ! farte 
 of all dat? de schoolmaster is net de right man, aftare 
 all ; but if he will say " de cook is abroad," den he 
 shall speak sense, for once, ondeniable. De cook is de 
 gentleman dat shall make von grand reform in de En- 
 glish natione, more b-cter as ballot or universal suf- 
 ferage, or de Lord Jc in Russell all in one pile, heap up 
 togedare. De John Bull vat is poor, is so savage as a 
 blood-hound — for why ? because he feeds on raw meet; 
 de chartist is wicked, because his stomach is out of de 
 order ; and so is de radical vary cross and sour, be- 
 cause he is dispeptic, bilious and troubled wid wind ; 
 and de rish man, what you call whig, go hang and 
 drown himself for noting at aM, but because his diges- 
 tion is bad. Ah ! my dear sare, my goot friend, de 
 cook is de doctare — de statesman — de true patriot. 
 Speak of educatione nationale, mon dieu ! it is cooking 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKF'^ LETTERS. 113 
 nationale vat you shall vant ; anJ dis do put mind 
 in me to go talk to de steward about de dinnair, so I 
 must have take de honore to subscribe to you 
 Myself, wid great respect, 
 
 Your obedient servant, 
 
 Frederick Freliw. 
 
 «f-'i 
 
 No. XVI. 
 
 LETTER FROM AN OLD HAND. 
 
 My dear Jamtss — 
 
 Just as 1 was embarking I received your letter 
 requesting me to give you a full account of my voya J 
 and such hints as might be useful to you whene?'; 
 you shall make the passage yourself. The first is un- 
 necessary, for there is nothing to tell. Every man is 
 ahke-every woman is alike. They are more alike 
 than he men, too much of the devil in all. Every ship 
 IS alike, especially steam ships, and the incidents of 
 one voyage are common to all. « Facias non omni- 
 bus una, nee tamen diversa." 
 
 . The company usually consists of younff officers 
 joining regiments ;-talk-Gibraltar-Cape-Halifax 
 ---Horse.guards---promotion and sporting: of nava' 
 fTc";''^^"^"?"'"' '" flag-foreign staUons-crack 
 [^f .';7/''""1 stems-Old Admiral: of speculators; 
 talk—cotton— tobacco— flour : of Provincials • talk J 
 
 Durham-Head-CoIborne-PouletteSpsonf^ 
 travellers ,Malk-Mississipp 
 
 of women ; talk-head-ache-amusements, and non- 
 sense about Byron: of Yankees; talk-L;cofocos-l 
 
114 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 Ro-ahead — dollars: of nrtanufacturers ; talk — steam- 
 factories — machinery : of blockheads, who chatter like 
 monkeys, about every thing. The incidents are common 
 to all — fall on the deck — wet through — very sick — bad 
 wine— cold dinner — rough water — shipped a sea, and 
 a tureen of soup — spoke a ship, but couldn't hear — 
 saw a whale, but so far off, only a black line— feel 
 sulky. There is nothing therefore to tell you, but 
 what has been told a thousand times, and never was 
 worth telling once. But there are a few maxims worth 
 knowing. 
 
 lj.t. Call steward — enquire the number of your cabin 
 — he will tell you it is No. 1, perhaps — ah ! very well, 
 steward, here is half a sovereign to begin with, don't 
 forget, it is No. 1. This is the beginning of the voy- 
 age, I shall not forget the end of it. He never does 
 lose sight of No. 1, and you continue to be No. 1 ever 
 after ; best dish at dinner, by accident, is always before 
 you, best attendance behind you, and so on. You can 
 never say ;ith the poor devil, that was hen-pecked, 
 " the first of the tea, the last of the coffee for poor 
 Jemy." — / always do this. 
 
 2d. If you are to have a chum, take a young one, 
 and you can have your own way by breaking him in 
 yourself — / always * do. 
 
 3d. If the berths are over each other, let the young 
 fellow climb, and do you take the lowest one, it is bet- 
 ter he should break his neck than you. — I always do. 
 
 4th. All the luggage not required for immediate use, 
 is marked " below," don't mark yours so at all, and 
 you have it all in your own cabin, where you know 
 where to find it when you want it. It is not then 
 squeezed to death by a hundred tons of trunks. If you 
 have not room in your cabin for it all, hint to your 
 young chum, he has too much baggage, and som^" of 
 It must go " below." — / alivays do so. 
 
 5th. Don't talk French, it brings all those chatter- 
 ing, grimacery fellows about you. — / never do. 
 
TANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 115 
 6th. Make no acquaintance with women on two 
 
 JonnT\u'''' '^""y ^'""'^ "« ^"^'"««« «» board, and 
 secondly, they are too troublesome.-/ new rfo. 
 
 7th. r or speak to a child, or you can't fret clear oi' 
 the nasty httle lapdog thing ever afferwards.ii^r.'r I 
 
 nnn. wT'T''"!^^ >''*"' ^^"^^ posscngcrs to be the 
 opposite of what they strivr. to appear to be. For in- 
 stance, a military man is not quarrelsome, for no man 
 doubts h.s courage. A snob is. A clergyman is no 
 over strait-laced, for his piety is not auestioLd Bufa 
 
 Rnfl'l ^ •'^^^' '' ""^^ ^P^ ^^^« argumentative. 
 But a doctor IS. A woman that is all smiles and 
 graces is a vixen at heart. Snakes fascinate. A 
 stranger that is obsequious and over-civil without ap- 
 parent cause, is treacherous. Cats that purr, are ant 
 to bite and scratch like the devil. Pride is one thinL 
 
 ^niri; m'' T'^^V' ^^^ ^""^^ ^"«t always get the 
 cold shoulder, for w' oever shows it is no gentleman ; 
 men never affect to be what they are not. ^The onlv 
 man who really is what he appears to be, is~a gentle- 
 man.— I always judge thus. ^ 
 
 oln^Hi' ^^% no '-^''oney in your pockets-when your 
 clothes are brushed m the morning, it is apt~ahem- 
 to Ifill out.—/ never do. 
 
 lOth. At table, see what win« the captain drinks; it 
 is not the worst.—/ always do. 
 
 fJ^^^' ^r®"" ^® """^ ^'^'"^" «" ^"y subject, to stupid 
 fellows : they wont « call again."-/ nevtr am. ^ 
 
 v.hruu''-^'^''''^^ ""^'^^^^^ °^ P^^it'cs with those 
 who hold opinions opposite to yours ; they are sub- 
 jects tha heat in handling, until they burn your fingers; 
 never talk learnedly on topics you know, it ixfake 
 people afraid of you ; never talk on subjects you don't 
 know. It makes people despise you; niver argue, no 
 man is worth the trouble of convincing, and thi better 
 you reason the more obstinate people become ; never 
 
 ?Z ""V T"? '^^'^'' '^ '' ^' b^d as spitting in his 
 race. In short, whenever practicable, let others per- 
 
116 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 form, and do you look on: a seat in the dress-circle is 
 preferable to a part in the play. — This is my .'ule. 
 
 13th. Be always civil, and no one will wish to be 
 rude to you; 'jo ceremonious, and people cannot if they 
 would ; impertinence seldom honours you with a visit 
 without an invitation — at least. — / always find it so. 
 
 14th. Never sit opposite a cr^rving-dish; there is not 
 time for doing pretty. — / never do. 
 
 15th. Never take a place opposite a newly married 
 couple; it is a greot many things, tiresome, tantalizing, 
 disgusting, and so on. — Insver do. 
 
 16th. Never sit near a subordinate officer of tlie 
 fihip, they are always the worst served and are too 
 much at home to be agreeable. — / never do. 
 
 17. Never play at cards; some people know too 
 little for your temper, and olherj too much for your 
 pocket. — / never do. 
 
 18th. There is one person to whom you should be 
 most attentive and obliging, and even anticipate his 
 wants; his comfort should be mace paramount to every 
 other consideration, namely — yourself. — / always do. 
 
 There are many other corollaries from these maxims, 
 which a little reflection will suggest to you, but it is a 
 rule never to write a long letter. — I never do. 
 
 Yours always, 
 
 Joiiy Stager* 
 
 a 
 
 III 
 
 '^■"^'^wihSj'' ( 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 117 
 
 No. XVII. 
 
 t 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM AN AMERICAN Cr;rzEN TO HIS 
 
 FRIEND AT BANGOR. 
 Dear Ichabod — 
 
 As I shall cut off to Harrisburg, Pa., to-morrow 
 as soon as I iand, and then proceed fe Pi tsviirMa 
 I wnte you thee few Unes xl inform you of the sta e 
 of f,hings m general, and the m. rkets in particular-! 
 Rice IS nee though the tobacco-market Es baok^ 
 cotton IS hghter, and some brilliant specs have beer' 
 
 "ull TamLo^f ^''"^^ '^^.^^ ^" ^^"^' and pLrHs 
 S7 J T ^"' iru^' moderate, and campeachy a 
 37- -50---4 nrios. Whalebone continues firm. F^w 
 transac ions have taken place in Bar or Pig, and iro^ 
 fint"%n"y '\}''''J' K""g-d^i«^ Chili rem^ains high" 
 
 the hiir." ^^:i.^pr't ^"'/r? f«p«^ ^^j" v^^^^^t 
 
 Thi. j" nlf '.h"'^'''^"^'' '."^ ^'"^^ ^«"««« i" the city.^ 
 Ihis IE al the news and last advices; but dear Ich 
 
 'nd onr ^•'''' T ^' ^"''^'"^ ^^'^"d ho^ will our free 
 abrondJ^wT^""""''^ ^'^ '^' ''^'^^^^-^ ^rS 
 
 thpVii P r^'^T^ "^^ ^^^''^^ ^"^ intimates that " 
 the Vice President, the second officer of this first of 
 
 countries was not received with .ue honour a^ Ivew 
 l^\K. I/e says that the Common Council could not 
 mpn Offi ^^'^^'i^^^' ^g'"''-'^" band o," Fanny- Wright 
 men Offin men. Ming men, and all other sorts of min, 
 but respectable men ; for he would have had to en 
 
 f 1 
 
Il8 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 counter a slough of Loco Focoism, that no decent man 
 would wade through. It is scarcely credible that so 
 discreditable an event should occur in this empire city ; 
 but it is the blessed fruit of that cursed tree of A'^an 
 Burenism, which is rotten before it is ripe, and un- 
 like other poisonous fruit is not even attractive in out- 
 ward appearance, but looks bad, tastes bad, and oper- 
 ates bad, and in short, is bad altogether. — But of all 
 the most appalling information I have received per this 
 channel was that of the formation of twenty-four new 
 hose companies. 
 
 What ? said i. twenty-four new hose companies ? Is 
 the stocking business going ahead ? Is it to cover the 
 naked feet of the shoe-less Irish, and Scotch, and En- 
 glish paupers, that cover with uncovered legs, like 
 locusts, ihh happy land — or is it for foreign markets? 
 Where does the capital come from? Is it a spec, or 
 has it a bottom ? No, said he, shaking his head ; it is 
 a dark job of the new-lights, the Loco Focos. To carry 
 the election of chief engineer of the firemen, they have 
 created twenty-four new companies of firemen, called 
 nose companies, which has damped the fire and extin- 
 guished the last spark of hope of all true patriots. It 
 has thrown cold water upon the old fire companies^ 
 who will sooner resign than thus be inundated. This 
 is the way the radicals of England wanted to swamp 
 the House of Lords, by creating a new batch of peers, 
 baked at once ; though the persons for peers were only 
 half-baked, or under-done — but they did not, and were 
 not allowed to glut the market that way. 
 
 How is it that this stale trick should become fresh, 
 and succeed in this enlighl- „ied land ; this abode of 
 freemen ; this seat of purity, and pass current without 
 one solid, genuwine ingredie'it of trne metal. It is a 
 base trick, a barefaced imposition, a high-handed and 
 unconstitutional measure. It is a paltry manosuvre 
 to swindle the firemen out of their right of election. 
 Yes. Ich, the firemen is swamped, and the sun of 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 119 
 
 liberty has gone down red and angry, extinguished in 
 the waters of popuhr delusion. Then, for^ heaver^s 
 sake, look at Vjcksburg; every thing looks worse and 
 worse, there; in several of the cSunties they have 
 quashed all the bonds, in some there are no courts, in 
 others, he sheriffs pocket the money, and refuse to 
 shell-out to any one. In one instance, a man, tried for 
 the murder of his vyile, escaped, because he was con- 
 v.c ted of manslaughter; and, in another, a person in- 
 dieted for stealing a pig, got off" because it was a shote. 
 They ring the noses of the judges instead of the ni<rs. 
 From cutting each other up in the papers with pens, 
 hey now cut each other up in the streets with bowie' 
 knives, and, in my opinion, will soon eat one another 
 like savages, for back-biting has become quite common. 
 1 he constitution has received a pretty considerable 
 tarnation shock-that's a fact, fan Burenism and 
 bub-Treasuryism have triumphed ; the whig cause has 
 gamed nothing but funeral honours, and a hasty buria 
 below low-water mark. In England, Eiddle retirinJ 
 from the bank, hasaffected the cotton trade, and shook 
 It to Its centre They say, if it paid well, why did he 
 pay himself off? It was a losing concern, it was a loss 
 to lose him ; but all are at a loss to know the reason 
 of his withdrawing I own, I fear he is playing the 
 game of fast and loose. The breaking of that bank 
 would affect the banks of the Mississippi as well as the 
 Ohio, and the country would be inundated with bad 
 paper, the natural result of his paper war with Jackson, 
 n.e undamming by the administration, of the specie 
 fllTsay "P ^ "" ^"' '"^ ^""^ " period-damn them 
 However, Ich, if we have made a losing concern of 
 It, the English have got their per contra s&et, showing 
 a balance against them, too. They are going to losf 
 Canada, see if they aint, as sure as a gunl and if they 
 do, 1 guess we know where to find it, without any great 
 search after it, either. I didn't think, myself, it wts so 
 
Is , > 
 
 
 
 - M 
 
 120 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEl OTTERS. 
 
 far gone goose with them, or the fut in the fire half so 
 bad, until I read Lord Durham's report; but he says, 
 I* my experience leaves no doubt on my mind, that an 
 invading American army might rely upon the co-oper- 
 ation of almost the entire Fxench population of Lower 
 Canada." Did you ever hear the like of that, Ich ? 
 By gosh, but it was worth while to publish that, wasn't 
 it? 
 
 Now after such an invitation as that coming from 
 such a quarter too, if our folks dont go in and take it 
 they ought to be kicked clean away to the other side 
 of sundown, hang me if they hadn't ought. Its enough 
 to make a cat sick too, to hear them Goneys to Can- 
 ada talk about responsible government, cuss me if it 
 aint. They dont know what they are jawing about 
 them fellows, thats a fact. I should like to know whats 
 the use of mob responsibility when our most responsi- 
 ble treasurers fobbed five millions of dollars lately of 
 the public money, without winking. Where are they 
 now ? Why some on em is in France going the whole 
 figure, and the other rascals at home snapping the 
 fingers of one hand at the people, and jingling their 
 own specie at them with the fingers of the other as 
 sarcy as the devil. Only belong to the majority and 
 you are as safe as a thief in a mill. They'll carry 
 you through the mire at a round trot as stiff' as a ped- 
 lar's horse. 
 
 Its well enough to boast, Ich, of our Constitution 
 afore strangers, and particularly afore them colony 
 chaps, because it may do good, but I hope I may be 
 most pittikilarly cussed, if I wouldnt undertake to drive 
 a stage coach and four horses through most any part 
 of it at full gallop, Responsibility ! what infernal non- 
 sense ! Show iP'j on^ of all our public defaulters that 
 deserved hanging, that ever got his due, and then I 'II 
 believe the word has got some meaning in it ; but the 
 British are fools, thats a fact— alwavs was fools, and 
 always will be fools to the eend of "the chapter— and 
 
 ^1 
 
YANKEE VAKNS AKD YANKEE LETTERS. l21 
 them are colonists arn't much better, I hope 1 may bo 
 shot If they are. The devil help them all I say, im 
 we are ready or them and then let them look out for 
 
 Z folks di/'h ^"^''i ''■ "«=y -"^^ 'o --<)« «« - 
 
 our to ks did them, and we was to catch them, weed 
 serye them as Old Hickory did Ambrister ai^d Tr- 
 buthonot down there to Florida line, hang em up iTke 
 onions a dozen on a rope. I guess they wont try'^them 
 
 I suppose youve heard the French took a pilot out 
 of a British gun-brig: when called upon for exp ana 
 tion hey said they took the man-of-war for a me?- 
 
 hnf "t rV;."° ^'i?^^ of a compliment that, was it? 
 but John Bull swallowed it all, though he made awfu 
 wry faces m getting it down. As our minister sad 
 suppose they did make such a blunder, Xfi^ight had 
 hey to take him at all out of a merchantman, and if 
 
 whTn' L'^T^''. ^^^ ^[^"^ '^'y ^'^^« h^^ back aga n 
 when they found out their error ? He was such an 
 
 everla^stin overbearrin crittur himself in ye^s past xvas 
 John iJull, It does one good to see him humbled II 
 faith he gets more kicks than coppers now. It ap- 
 pears to me they wouldnt have dared to have done 
 that to us, dont it to you ? Then they took one of their 
 crack steam frigates for a Mexican.^ Lord "that wa 
 another compliment, and they let drive into her Tnd 
 
 .nlr\ / ?"J!?^^' VP^" '^y ^^^^ ^"d o"are vary 
 soary, but 1 did not know you my goot friend— no I 
 did not indeed-I took you for de miserable Mexican 
 -You vary much altared from de old time what went 
 before-vary. It was lucky for Johnnv Croppo our 
 G.mral Jackson hadn't the helm of stat^ or he 'd a 
 
 f tf.vlT/'^r"^ ^"^'^ ^"^""^^^ I'"^ ^ thinking. 
 
 , niJir" 1 "^^7^ !^ ""T"''^ ^^'^' ^^''t of" woi-k to us 
 h-wIIW .^ '?? t'^^'^h^P^I^^^ybe skinned alive 
 t>) wild cats li he wouldn't have blowod every cusse<l 
 
 Si 
 
 m 
 
122 YANKEE YAPNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 I«H 'i-i'i 
 
 m\ 
 
 craft ihey have out of the water. Lord ! Icli, he *d a 
 sneezed them out, cuss me if he wouldn't. There is 
 no mistake in Old Hick, I tell vou. If he isn't clear 
 grit — ginger to the back bone — tough as whip leather 
 — and spunky as a bull-dog, it 's a pity, that 's all. 
 T must say, at present our citizens are treated with 
 great respect abroad. 
 
 His Excellency the honourable the governor of the 
 state of Quimbagog lives at St. Jimses, and often dines 
 at the palace. When they go to dinner, ho carries the 
 Queen and Melburne carries the Dutchess Kent. Him 
 and the Q een were considerable shy at first, but they 
 soon got sociable and are quite thick now. He told 
 the company, there was a town to home called Vix- 
 burg after (Melburne says ahem I as a hint, not to go 
 too far — governor winks, as much as to say, no fear, 
 I take you my boy), so called from vix, scarcely, and 
 burga, a city, which place had become famous through- 
 out America, for its respect for the laws, and that many 
 pe pie thought there was a growing resemblance be- 
 tw en England and it — Melburne seed the bam and 
 looked proper vexed, and to turn the conversation 
 said : shall I have the honour to take wine with your 
 Excellency mister governor of the state of Quimbagog 
 in America, but now a guest of her most gracious 
 Majesty, They say, he always calls it an honour 
 when he asks uirr} and pays him the respect to give 
 him all his titles, and when he asks other folks he says, 
 pleasure, artd just nods his head. That's gratifying 
 now, aint it? — The truth is, we stand letter a No. 1 
 .ibroad, and for no other reason than this, the British 
 can whip all the world, and we can whip the British. 
 —When you write to England if you speak of this 
 ship, you must call her the Great Western Steamer^ 
 or it may lear' ^f' trouble, for there are two Great 
 Westerns, this iicre ship, and one of the great men, 
 and they wont know which you mean. Many mis- 
 takes have happened already, and parcels "are con- 
 
1 
 
 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 123 
 
 stantly sent to his address in that way that are intended 
 for America. The fact is, there is some truth in the 
 resemblance: Both their trips cost more money than 
 they were worth; both raised greater exoectations 
 than they have fulfilled; both returned a IZTyTZ 
 quicker than they went out-and between you and me 
 and the post both are inconveniently big, and have 
 more smoke than power. As soon as I trange my 
 business at Pittsville I shall streak it off for Maine like 
 igh tmng, for I am in an everlasting almighty hurry, 
 1 tell you, and hoping to see you well and stirring, and 
 as hearty as brandy, ^' ^ 
 
 I am, dear Ich, 
 
 Yours faithfully, 
 
 Elnathan Card. 
 
 P' S. Keep dark. 
 
 If you have a real right down clipoer of a horse in 
 
 ^ZZ f p ' fi T^ °^ u"""^^'"^' ^°"'^"'t y^" i'"s*^ whip 
 
 over to Portland on the 20th to meet me "in youV 
 tvaggon If you could I can put you up to-a thing 
 about oils, in which, I think, we co'uld make a con? 
 siderable of a decent spec, and work it so as to turn a 
 lew thousand dollars slick. General Corncob wiP ac- 
 commodate me at the bank with what we want, for it 
 vvas me helped him over the fence, when he was non- 
 plushed last e ection for senator by the democratic re- 
 publicans, and he must be a most superfine infernal 
 rascal, it he turns stag on me now. Chew on it at 
 any rate, and if you have a mind to go snacks, why iist 
 make an arrand for something or another to the bay. 
 to draw the wool o^er folks' eyes, and come on the sly 
 and you will go back heavier, I guess, than you conio 
 by a plaguy long chalk, that's a fact.— Yours, 
 
 RC. 
 
 :ll 
 

 I 1 
 
 124 TANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 
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 '• 
 
 No. XVIII. 
 
 LETTER 
 FROM ELIZABETH FIGG TO JOHN BUGGINS. 
 
 Dear John — 
 
 I never win believe nothing I hear, till I see it 
 — never. We are now in sight of America, which riz 
 out of the sea this morning afore breakfast, and is 
 nothing but a blue spec after all, and no bigger than a 
 common hill, and yet this is the land, they say, is so 
 large, that you have to travel through it by water. 
 But this is the way strangers are always deceived by 
 travellers' stories, that you don't know how much to 
 set down fabulous, and how much to give credit to, 
 I arrived in due course by coach at Bristol the same 
 day at night that I left London, and was picked up out 
 of the bush by a cab-man, who to3k me to the stairs ; 
 but he was a villain, like many more that I could name, 
 at Bristol as well as other places. Sais he is it a single 
 fair ? no says I, I am married to john Figg this seven 
 years, says he, I mean is thero any more to be took 
 in? no said I, I hope not, and I trust you are not ago- 
 ing for to take me in, are you ? with that he shot ?oo 
 the door with a grin and got up on the box, and I 
 heard him say, she is a rum one, that's sertain. When 
 we got to Clifton he made me pay ten shillings, I wish 
 you would see to it, he is a stout man with a red face, 
 and you'll know him by his waist-coat, which is 
 red too. 
 
 After that I took a voyage down the river to where 
 the Great Western stood waiting for us, but Gracious 
 Powers ! it was a floating station for a rail way. Such 
 
V - 
 
 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 125 
 
 a confusion no one did ever see. I was told when I 
 came on board I should see a palace, all fit for the 
 Hueen, so elegant and so clean, the wood all rjldinff 
 and the moreens all silk, and the rooms all state ?oom?, 
 and as for liquor nothing but hoc and shampain would 
 go down, and every thing you could think of, besides 
 ever so much you never dreamed of all your life, all 
 provided for your reception, and the only objection 
 was the voyage was so short, you got but little use of 
 It lor your money. Well I never ! if it aint horred to 
 ^oax people that way, I declare ; but let them Bristol 
 Quakers alone for sly ones I say—but I '11 not get be- 
 fore my siory— you shall see for yourself. how far 
 things come up to the mark or not. 
 
 I have been wretched uncomfortable in this steamer, 
 lor what m the world is the use of all the gilding and 
 carving and pictures and splendor that ever was to 
 vou when you are sick at the stomack ? Our cabin 
 has two boxes in it called births, tho«gh coffins would 
 be nearer the thing, for you think more of your other 
 end at sea a great deal. One of these is situated over 
 the other like two shelves, and these two together make 
 what they call a state room. What would they think 
 at the real palace, of such a state room as this, of iust 
 a closet and no more, for the queen and her mother lo 
 seep in, and no dressing-room nor nothing J but you 
 shall hear all. My birth is the uppermost one, and I 
 have to climb up to it putting one foot on the lower 
 one, and the other away out on the wash-hand stand, 
 which IS a great stretch and makes it very straining; 
 then I lift one knee on the birth, and roll in side ways. 
 Ihis is very inconvenient to a woman of mv size, and 
 very dangerous. Last night I put my foot on Mrs. 
 iirown s lace, as she laid asleep close to the edge of 
 the lower one, and nearly put out her eye, and I have 
 torn all the skin off my knees, and then I have a large 
 black spot where I have been hurt, and my head is 
 swelled. To dismount is another feat of horsemaq- 
 

 J26 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 ship only fit for a sailor. You can't sit up for the floor 
 over head, so you have to turn round and roll your 
 legs out first, and then hold on, till you touch bottom 
 some where, and then let yourself down upright. L is 
 dreadful v^rork, and not very decent for a delicate fe- 
 male if the steward happens to come in when you are 
 in the act this way. I don't know which is hardest, 
 to get in or get out a birth ; both are the most diffi- 
 cultest things in the world, and I shall be glad when I 
 am done with it. I am obligated to dress in bed, afore 
 I leave it, and nobody that'^hasn't tried to put on their 
 clothes lying down can tell what a task it is. Lacing 
 stays behind your back, and you on your face nearly 
 smothered in bed clothes, and feeling for the eylet hole 
 with one hand, and trying to put the tog in with the 
 other, while you are rolling about from side to side, is 
 no iaughing matter. Yesterday I fastened on the pil- 
 low to my bustler by mistake, in the hurry, and never 
 knew it, till people laughed at me and said the sea 
 agreed with me I had grown so fat. But putting on 
 3tockings is the worst, for there aint room to stoop for- 
 ward, so you have to bring your foot to you, and 
 stretching out on your back, lift up your leg till you 
 can reach it, and then drag it on. Corpulent people 
 can't do this so easy, I can tell you. It always gives 
 me the crRmp and takes away my breath. You would 
 pity me if you could conceive John, but you can't, — 
 nobody but a woman can tell what a female suffers 
 being confined in a birth at sea. Then I get nothing 
 hardly to eat, for I sit between a German and a 
 Frenchman, and if I ask one to help me, he says — 
 " neat for stain," which means, I am afraid to dirt my 
 finders ; and the other keeps saying, " Je non ton Pa,'* 
 I aint your father; and wher. I call steward, he says, 
 '• Yes mame, comeing directl/," and he never comes 
 at all. Then the doctor says, Mrs. Figg, w^hat wil 
 you take — is there any thing I can give you ? He says 
 thiu every day at dinner, and it kills me, the very idea. 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 127 
 At last I said to Iiim, Do pray doctor dont mention it. 
 
 gine. ihe biscuit is as hard as a dutch tile and it i^ 
 easier to crack a tooth than to crack that, but may be 
 
 to me than the wine, but perhaps that's all owini? to 
 the sourness of my stomach. Indeed it's little tha^ 
 goes down my throat which seems to be turned upside 
 dovvn and acts the other way. If all the passen^gers 
 IS ke me, the Captain will have a profitable vo/age 
 ot It, I am sure, for I can neither eat nor drink any 
 thmg--and what I live on, Gracious only knows, for 
 
 We have had a terrific gale ever since we left, and 
 he motion is dreadful. You never see any thfng hke 
 the sea, when its fairly up; its like a galloping, blil it 
 froths and rolls over, Ld carries on t^remendou 
 Sometimes ,t pitches into the vessel, and sometimes the 
 vessel pitches into it, and sometimes they both phch to! 
 gether, and, then, words is wanting to paint h out in 
 true colours At such times, the trSnks slide about the 
 floor, as If they was on the ice, and it is as much as 
 your legs IS worth to be among them a minute. Every 
 thing I have is either wet or torn ; my new silk bonnei 
 IS all scruntched flat, by Mrs. Brown falling down o' 
 It; and what s worse is, to have my bum-be^seen look- 
 mg no better than the cook'., it has got all soiled and 
 a great spot on it that I can't get oft do what 1 will. 
 Jnn/ !ff. ""^^''"^^th IS very hot, and the air so long 
 confined that comes from there, aint pleasant at all, i? 
 makes me feel very frail. But that aint the worst of 
 It, the doors are all painted so" beautiful, and look so 
 roman ic, that they didn't like to number them, for fear 
 t tS* ^? l^ Pictures on them; and it tante very easy 
 to tell which IS which, or whose is whose; and there 
 ^ a great German officer always opening my door, by 
 mistake, and, sometimes, won't b« ponvinp^^ *iu ui 
 
 M 
 
 
 ^1 
 
128 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 looks me in the face, and then its — oh, I pegs porton 
 madam, I, too, indeed, I mishlookt it for mine own, so 
 1 tid. It frightens me so, I am afraid to do anything, 
 amost, for fear of his great whisker'd face come pop- 
 ing in upon me. It is a dreadful life, dear John ; no 
 one knows what it is, but them that's tried it, and ihem, 
 too, that's sea-sick, and is females. The partitions, 
 too, are so very thin, you can hear all kinds of noises, 
 just as plain as if it was in the same room, which is 
 very inconvenient and disagreeable. My next neigh- 
 bour is a Frenchman, he is very ill, and is always call- 
 ing some jew or another that never comes. It is pitia- 
 ble to hear him crying all day, O mon jew, mon jew I 
 Sometimes, just as I feel exhausted and quiet, from 
 weakness, he begins reaching, so dredful, that it sets 
 me oft' again, and I think I shall never stop ; and, as 
 for the steward, as there is no bells, and he is a mile 
 off*, you might as w^ell call from Dover to Calais, and 
 expect to be heard ; and if you catch a glimpse of an- 
 other servant, he says, yes, marm, and you never see 
 him again, or, if you do, you don't know him, they are 
 so numerous, and being mulattoes, you can't tell them 
 apart. The black girls, or 'jets does,' as the French 
 call them, are so busy, they do nothing at all, but chase 
 each other round and round. You want a gentleman 
 at sea very much, more than any where else ; and, if 
 poor Mr. Figg hadn't unfortunately had to leave Eng 
 land rather unexpectedly. I shouldn't have been in such 
 a primminary as I am. You aint much better off", on 
 deck, for, when the ship pitches or rolls, you are apt 
 to lose your stool, and whatever happens at sea, either 
 from a fall, or getting in a spree, every one laughs. 
 There is no sympathy here, for no one ; and politeness 
 is not the order of the day, when people are not invited 
 for company, but pay their way, and no thanks to any 
 one. How times is altered with me, since I was a 
 belle, and all Hackney rung with my name and fortin, 
 and It was whose arm I should take, and who should 
 
 t\ 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LE'iTERS. 12& 
 
 be the happy man, and a smi'? was too much pay for 
 any trouble— or, rather, trouble was a pleasure. Bum- 
 pers didn't mean what bumpers does now ; and running 
 bump agin you, and most knocking you over, is a very 
 different thing from having your healtli drank in toast, 
 the men ail standing unkivered, and having it done 
 whenever opportunity ofiered. But men aint what 
 men was, and a steamer aint a corporation ball, though 
 they do call it a palace, nor nothing like it; and, al- 
 though I am no longer Betsey Buggins, that was, yet 
 I am not much altered, unless it be I 'me a little more 
 ;♦ cm bum point " than I was, which, some people say, 
 is more becoming. Besides, being married, look& is of 
 no more co.isequonce than dress, unless it should be my 
 fortune to marry again, which, Mr. Figg's declining 
 health, I fear, renders not impossible, if ever I could 
 bring myself to think of another, which aint probable. 
 But, poor Mr. Figg is greatly changed, and enjoys 
 very bad heahh ; he aint the same man he was, and 
 has fell away to nothing, until he is a mere atomy. 
 But, I trust in Providence, if yellow fever don't do for 
 him, change of air will. 
 
 Hoping this will lind you in good health and spirits 
 I am, dear brother, 
 
 Your faithful sister, 
 
 Elizabeth Figg. 
 
 P. S. If you see Mrs. Hobbs, tell her I am much 
 beholden to her, for her kindness in saying Mr Figg 
 and me left England serruptitious, on account of a ue^ 
 rangement of affairs, but ill health of Mr. Fig^, from 
 being kept at it from morning till night, was the sole 
 cause ; for thank goodness, we can retire when we 
 please at any moment and enjoy ourselves, if he was 
 only as able as he once was in bodily strength. As 
 far as means goes, we have it, and enough to spare, to 
 purchase her and Mr. Hobbs out any day, and set 
 them up again, and not miss it. I most wonder some 
 
 'Hi 
 ■«1 
 
 iife^. 
 
4 ..: 
 
 130 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 people aint ashamed, to show their red faces, when it'u 
 well known that water never causes red noses. But 
 I scorn to retaliate on people that's given to sich low 
 habits, only some folks had better see the brandy blos- 
 soms on their own faces, before they find beams 
 in other people's characters. I hate such deceiiful 
 wretches as is so civil to your face, and the moment 
 your back is turned find nothing too bad to say of 
 you, but this is not worth breath, and that's the truth. 
 
 E. FlGG 
 
 No. XIX. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 ir.' 
 
 FROM THE SON OF A PASSENGER. 
 
 Dear Bob — 
 
 Guess where ! . n now, my boy. Do you 
 give it up? Well, T 'm on board the Great Western, 
 I am upon my soul ! Father has gone to America to 
 .take Bill, the Ceylon Missionary boy, home to his 
 friends, and I am off with him in this steamer, and it's 
 hurrah for Yrnkee town, F.nd the Lord knows where 
 all ! It's as good fun as a fair, and there is such a 
 .:rowd all the lime, you can just do what you please, 
 no one find you out. Sliding on the wet deck 
 . jve the saloon, when the passengers are at dinner, 
 makes it nice and slippery, t -d when they come up, 
 not thinking of slides or any thing of the kind, away 
 they go head over heels a., in a heap — such scream- 
 ing among the girls a showing of their legs, and such 
 damning among the men about greasy decks, you 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 131 
 
 never heard. Then droppini? a piece of orange peel 
 before a Frenchman, whci he goes prancing' about 
 the deck, s;cnds him flying a yard or so till he comes 
 on all fours, where he wallops about like a fish just 
 caught. But the best fun is putting shot under the 
 feet of the camp stools, when nobody is looking, it 
 makes the women kick up their heels like donkc \ I 
 have to give my old Governor a wide berth, for he 
 owes me a thrashing, but he is lame and can't catch 
 me. He is proper vexed.— I stole a leaf out of his ser- 
 mon last Sunday, and when he came to the g..^, he 
 stopped, and first looked ahead, and then back again, 
 
 and at last had to take a running leap over it my 
 
 eyes, what a laugh there was ! The last words were 
 " the beauty " and the next page began, of the devil 
 and all his works. He coughed, and stammered, and 
 then blew his nose, and then coloured up as red as a 
 herring, and gpve me a .ok, as much as to say— 
 ;* you'll catch it for this, m boy, I know;" but there 
 )s one good thing about the old man too, he dont carry 
 a grudge long. When he came back to his cabin, 
 says he to the Ceylon boy, William, says he, these pas- 
 sengers behave very ill, very ill, indeed— what made 
 ti em laugh so when I was going into the cabin and 
 coming out again. They must be very loose people, 
 to behave in this unhandsome manner. It is very un- 
 becoming. What were they laughing at, do you 
 knovy? At the white shirts c' the negroes, says I, 
 winking to Bill, but confound him, he would not take 
 a lint. I believe it was this, sir, said Bill, who was 
 ah rays a spooney, taking up the back of his gown and 
 sho ving him a card, I took oflTone of the boxes and 
 stuck there, " This side up, to be kept dry." 
 
 Pjt the greatest fun I have had is with an old Ger- 
 man named Lybolt, of Philadelphia or ^'ennsylvauia 
 or some such place in the States. He sleeps next birth 
 to us. Well, I goes and picks out a piece of putty in 
 tba partition just near his head, and when he is fasi 
 
132 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 
 
 asleep snoring, lets dri -e a squirt full of water rigtit 
 into his face and mouth. Oh ! mine Cot ! mine Cot ! 
 the old fellow sings out, varte a leak dat is ! I am all 
 wet o I am, most trowned in my ped. Steward, do 
 Kome here, steward I Well, the steward comes and 
 he can't find the leak, for in the mean time I claps 
 back the putty as snug as a bug in a rug. May be 
 you was sick in your sleep and didn't know it, says 
 the steward. Cot for tarn ! I tell you no — it 's vater, 
 don't you see? Or perhaps you spilt it out of the ba- 
 sin ? Dunder and blitzen ! you plack villain, do you 
 mockey me, sir ? what for you mean 1 and away goes 
 the steward, and next day comes the carpenter, and 
 next night comes the squirt again. He '11 go mad yet 
 will, old ' Tousand Dey vils !' ree if he don't. 
 
 After dinner I gets down to the other end of the 
 table, where the old Governor can't see me, ana gets 
 lots of wine and good things, especially among the 
 Jews. Them are the boys for champaign. I always 
 understood they were close-fisted curmudgems that 
 wouldn't spend a farthing, but they tucks in the wine 
 in great style. It would do you good to see them turn- 
 ing up the whites of their eyes and taking an observa- 
 tion out of the bottom of their glass. I wouldn't be a 
 slice of ham in them fellows' way for something. I'hey 
 eat and drink as if they never saw food before. But 
 coming out of the companion way in a crowd in the 
 dark, and giving a pinch on the sly to the mulatto girl 
 on the stairs, till she squeals again like a stuck pig and 
 abuses the passengers for no gentlemen, and every one 
 crying out shame, is great sport. There is a great big 
 Irishman from Giant's Causeway that has got the cre- 
 dit of it, and every American says it is just like an 
 Irish blackguard that. If you 'd see the coloured ser- 
 vants, what looks they give old Pc atoe, it would do 
 you good. They'll murder him if they catch him in 
 New York. I wouldn't be in Pat's jacket for a shilling, 
 I know. 
 
 ti 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 133 
 Oh! Bob I wish you xvas here; we'd have a noble 
 
 ITh^. h ^""^ Tu ^' '^ ''' ^'" '' «« ^"^«ed soft, 
 and such a coward, he won't join in a lark, and I am 
 frightened out of my Hfe for fear he will peach on m^ 
 I have threaten'd to cut the liver out of him if he does' 
 1 am almost afraid he has already, for the mate said 
 to me to-day, 'Come here you young sucking parson, 
 you If you don't g.v<5 over cutting those shines, I '1 
 make your breech acquainted with a bit of the haul- 
 yards before you are many days older, I 'm be^<.ai 'd 
 
 catch It I tell you ' You will, will you ? says I~you 
 know a trick worth two of that, I 'm thinking, and if 
 you don't there's them on board will teach it to yo . 
 So none of your half-laughs to me. I can't say I liked 
 It though, for all that, for he looks like a fellow that 
 would be as good as his word, and if I do catch it I 
 will pay master Bill off for it when I get him ashore 
 I'me blowed if I don't. There is no?hing I hate so 
 much as a tattler. ^ 
 
 Board ship is a fine place for old clothes ; what with 
 tar and grease and tearing, you get rid of them all in 
 no time I have made all my Sunday clothes old, and 
 worn all my old ones out, so that I shall come out in a 
 new rig at New York, as fine as examination day, and 
 
 2i7tht U^'^'' n"^ ^'T^ ^^^^^' if lean come 
 round the old man. Remembering his texts and prais- 
 ing nis sermons generally does that. I think I am too 
 big now for short jacket and trousers. Jim Brown 
 warn't so tall as me by half an inch when he give 
 them up, though he was a year older. Besides in 
 course a long coat has more pocket money than a 
 coatee, and servants dont treat you any longer as a 
 child and aint afraid lo trust you with a horse. Now 
 It Igo to smoke, every one says, look at that brat 
 smoking, what a shame it is for the parson to let that 
 boy use a cigar ! just as if I hadnt as good a right as 
 they have, the lubbers. Oh ! yes, dear Bob, I wish 
 1-4 
 
134 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 nn\' 
 
 with all my heart you was here, it would make you 
 split your sides a laughing to j?ee how putting broko 
 glass into boots makes fellows limp like beggars and 
 sing out for boot Jacks, and how running pins into 
 cusliions makes the women race off screaming and 
 scratchinff ; but there aint so much fun when you have 
 to do it all yourself, and no one besides to laugh with 
 at the joke, it makes it dull sport after all. I expect I 
 shall be caught yet, but if I am, and had up for it aforo 
 the old Governor, I will swear it was all Bill, for he 
 deserves a hiding, the coward, for not joining in it. 
 
 I am to have all holidays while I am gone except a 
 lesson every day in Latin grammar, but I have been 
 all over it before, so it will take no time at all to do it. 
 When 1 get to New York I will write you again and 
 et you kndw what sort of a place it is and how the 
 l''ankee girls look, and if I get my long coat out of 
 father, I'll have fine fun among them. I dont like to 
 speak to them now, for short coats looks foolish. Re 
 member me to all the boys and particula'iy to Betty 
 housemaid and believe me dear Bob 
 
 Your faithful friend, 
 
 Tom Trotteh. 
 
 M 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 135 
 
 No. XX. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM THE PROFESSOR OF STEAM AND 
 ASTRONOMY, OTHERWISE CALLED THE 
 CLERK, TO THE DIRECTORS. 
 
 Gentlemeiv — 
 
 A becoming consideration for my own char- 
 acter m literary attrinments whi(;h primarily procured 
 
 nora^l l^"' ^TT\- ^^' ^" ^"troduction to the uninc^'r 
 poratod board of directors of fho Great Western a d 
 their unanimous election to the situation I have the 
 pleasure to fill of principal in their academical school 
 for scientific and nautical training of their junior o/Ii- 
 cers, compels mc to announce most reluctantly but 
 peremptorily and decidedly that if it is intended to 
 initiate those young gentlemen thoroughly in their pro- 
 fession it must be efiected on shore, and that this ma- 
 rine seminary will inevilablv sink in public estimation 
 If kept afloat on board of the Steamer. It cannot be 
 denied with a due regard to truth and veracity, that 
 the young gentlemen whose minds are fitted naturally 
 with 'expansive gear,' have their astronomical and 
 rrK.thematical problems at what is vulgarly called their 
 finger enas, because every thing that is approached 
 with tarry fingers usually adheres to them pcrtina- 
 ciously ; but that is not the sort of acquirements most 
 to be desired, nor can the calculations which are so 
 abstruse and difficult be executed with accuracy and 
 precision, where the jarring of the boat converts O'ts 
 into ( ss and I's into 3's, and so disfigures (if I may uso 
 
.V .; 
 
 136 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 the expression) every figure that it is no longer to be 
 recognized by the hand that traced its configuration. 
 In the same manner a complex motion, compounded 
 of pitching, rolling and vibrating, is utterly destructive 
 and subversive of certainty in taking meridianal alti- 
 tudes, especially when to these difficulties is added a 
 speed of twelve miles an hour with all steam on and 
 15 revolutions. 
 
 The damp and moist exhalations evolved by wate/, 
 heated to 419°, pervading the interior of the lecture- 
 loom, by insinuating itself through the insterstices and 
 crevices of the ship, obliterates from the slates all 
 traces or distinctness of arithmetical and algebraical 
 figures, and before calculations are terminated the pri- 
 mary part is obfuscated by the occultations of steam, 
 and by the time assiduous application has restored it, 
 we have the same mortification arising in the other 
 extremity. Discouraging as these difficulties unques- 
 tionably are, they are altogether insignificant, when 
 compared to the obstructions arising from the noises 
 proauced by the vociferous bleating of calves and 
 sheep, the incessant lowing of cows, the acute intona- 
 tions of swine, the cackling of poultry, the discordant 
 voices of two hundred people, the uproar of the ele- 
 ments, the noise of the ponderous machinery, and the 
 thunder of the ever-revolving wheels; amidst these 
 numerous, complicated, and perplexing distractions, to 
 abstract the attention and apply it to abstruse studies, 
 is an effort not to be expected from juvenile minds and 
 exuberant spirits, more especially, when, to learn, 
 implies an absence of knowledge ; and the very act 
 of resorting to a professor, implies an insinuation of 
 either overgrown ignorance to young men, or of boyish 
 age, incompatible with manly stature, either of which 
 suppositions is repugnant to aspiring youth, desirous to 
 be classed among men, especially by women. There 
 is no " indicator," that I know of, to the machinery of 
 the mind ; and the only way of ascertaining results is, to 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LEVTERS. 137 
 
 applj' the " Camm " of seclusion « to out off the stroke " 
 as It IS called, and mark the advarrce made in relation 
 to time and study given. A manifestation of reluc- 
 tance, or, rather, a resistance to deferential respect, to 
 the superior attainments and acquisitions of the princi- 
 pal IS, therefore, to be expected, as much as it is to be 
 deplored and lamented, as well as for the youne gentle- 
 man, on the one hand, as by the professor on the other : 
 Y It IS obvious to the most superficial understanding 
 of the directors, that, where there is no obedienci, 
 there can be no authority; and where no progress is 
 made in studies, there can only be a corresponding ab- 
 sence of advancement in learning. Unless the mind is 
 weil stored, and constantly kept in full employment, it 
 IS apt to generate m re - clinker," than any thing else. 
 Ihe vaves require daily overhauling, and the waste 
 one.- to be "disconnected," or it is impossible to make 
 any progress. Men, who come dripping wet from their 
 
 r^rV!.:"''* '" 'i ^^ '^^^^ ^^^ "^'y sciences; and, to 
 be both officers and boys, juvenesque senesque— com- 
 manding on deck one moment, and obeying under deck 
 the next approximate as incompatible With human na- 
 ture, arid the working of the machinery of the mind, 
 
 bteenng m a straight line, by point of compass, as is 
 done in a steamer, is apt to superinduce upon the va- 
 cuum of youthful understanding, a belief, that naviga- 
 ion IS, what those young gentlemen facetiously and 
 technically call, " all in my eye," and that a direction 
 once givtn, has only to be followed to attain the end 
 ot the voyage, by keeping the eye fixed steadily on the 
 compass, an opinion not more unfounded and irrelevant 
 han unsafe and precarious, whether it regards the at-' 
 tainment of knowledge, or the disco -ery of the port 
 or haven of ultimate destination. Female passengers. 
 1 may be permitted to observe, are too powerful mag- 
 nets not to cause serious variations from duty, in tht- 
 young men, and occasion them to camber, or break 
 down in life. Studying the needle is not the most im. 
 
. /••§ 
 
 
 ■•^ .. 
 
 . -Sin 
 
 
 
 
 I 
 
 138 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 pcrtant pursuit in the whole compass of duty that it 
 forms one of its most prominent ; and I am painfully con- 
 vinced that the cadets, who may be said to be in their 
 summer solstice, are more desirously solicitous about 
 their own figures (which is the zenith of their ambition,) 
 than mathematical ones ; and such conduct must, in- 
 evitably, reduce them to the nadir of mere cyphers. 
 This sort of distinction was so well known to the great 
 lexicographer, that he has most appropriately and po- 
 litely added it, by way of insinuation to most words, 
 implying youthful errors — mishap — mistake — misfor- 
 tune — misunderstanding — mischief — misled — misery — 
 and many others. Here they are exposed more than 
 any other place, I know of, to the blandishments of th^ 
 sex ; and, I know not how it is, but I have often ob- 
 served there is a natural, an alliterative, and, perhaps, 
 a chemical affinity between petty officers and petty- 
 coats. — Dulce ridentum Lalagen amabo — Dulce Lo- 
 quentem. 
 
 Indeed, by the u»nversal laws of motion, the amount 
 of attraction is directly as the quantity of matter, and 
 inversely as the squares of the distances, which shows 
 how all-pervading it must be on board of ship. To at- 
 tempt a course of study with young men under such 
 noxious and powerful influences as female eyes, is as 
 unwise and unsafe as for white men to attempt field- 
 operations in the sun in the West Indies. Nothing 
 impinges more seriously on studies ; it has a tendency 
 to make them romantic, which in asthetics is equally 
 at variance with the antique and classic lore. Had 
 the directors been younger men themselves, and un- 
 derstood tne rhabilomancy of the mind as well as they 
 do of commerce, they would have felt the impropriety 
 of exposing their cadets to the potential miasmata 
 of such an atmosphere of female allurements, which 
 may very appropriately be called " the milky way of 
 Cupid." In the descent down the inclined plane of 
 character, induced by these causes, if good instruction 
 
 ^1 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 139 
 
 offer any resistance, that resistance oujzht to increase 
 
 of 'c'isi .t?'' ^'^ ^'^, '^'''' T'^^ "-^^-^ -^ "t'ain 
 nnt I Jt "^^^ " commonly continues to be accelerated 
 from LnH n"' a ve,^,,t^ ^hi^h produces a resistance 
 rom good principles, such as combined with the fric- 
 tion of discipline, ir 3qual to the gravitation down the 
 
 Adopting a semi-naval uniform for these youthful 
 
 of cade'ts thr"''' '"^^'^'"^ '^'"^ '^' ^^"k Ld ti le 
 ot cadets, the insignia of an office, which the emulous 
 
 and now awakened people of Bristol pronounce to be 
 
 supermr to a similar grade in Her Majesty's service ; 
 
 permitting them to wear the gold lace band on the cap 
 
 and acceding to them the seducing gilt button with the 
 
 emblematical letters G. W. on th!l, has infused too 
 
 much caloric into their juvenile aspirations for female 
 
 approbation and they are unwilling that such gracTnU 
 
 and elegant young officers should be mistaken for 
 
 disciples of a pedagogical establishment. Their pre- 
 
 dilections are strong to draw a comparison in their 
 
 own favour with W. S.'s of Edinboro, and there a 
 
 supercilious daring in their haughty carriage, as if, in 
 
 the event of an action with the enemy, they wo. d 
 
 ngly and unremittingly, till they died. But this is not 
 
 h^a/ ' f-^ '"r^^"^ ^'^^ P^^Sress of science in this 
 ship as refers to my situation as principal. There is 
 
 IJ F/l ^^\^ffi^« «f librarian, which has been 
 unsolicited by me, but conferred voluntarily and hand- 
 nfT± f- ''" honorary appointment in conpequence 
 of there being no salary attached to it, is one which ,s 
 accompanied by a corresponding unsatisfactory result. 
 So ittle attention is often paid to orthography in the 
 written order of the passengers for books? that k i" ap! 
 proximate to impossible to c6mprehend what they 
 mean, added to which for want of catalogues me de- 
 vnands are invariably for books not contained in the 
 
 ■I 
 
;}•■■ ,•:. 
 
 140 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 library, which leads to disappointment in the first in- 
 stance, renewed vexation in the second, and not unfre- 
 quently in the third to mipatience, if not impertinence. 
 It is in vain that I deprecate explicitly, that I am an- 
 swerable for the books only, which are placed here by 
 the literary committee of the directors, and not foi 
 those not ordered by them, which would involve an 
 absurdity. — The blank page at the beginning and end 
 of each volume is invariably abstracted, which is a 
 most singular selection, and proves the illiterate condi- 
 tion of the passengers, for there is nothing of course to 
 read upon it, while the outside wrapping-cover shares 
 the same fate. Yet forsooth, these are the men who 
 say the library is not varied and copious enough to 
 meet the increased advancement of the age. Were it 
 not that my anger is " blown off" occasionally upon 
 the cadets, these passengers would be in danger of " an 
 explosion" that would astonish them, for passion is 
 "generated faster" than is safe for them by their 
 ignorance. 
 
 But, gentlemen, there is smother subject, which deli- 
 cacy suggests to be passed over in silence, while a 
 due sense of the value of science, the inextinguishable 
 debt of grati^de, owed to it by innumerable steam 
 companies, and an appreciation of self-respect, com- 
 pels me to a reference ; I mean the assignment to me 
 of some other duties, not necessary to enumerate, but 
 which are within the cognizance of the directors, and 
 reduce me to the situation of an humble clerk, a name, 
 indeed, which many people, and I am sorry to add, 
 the captain himself sometimes applies *to me, from the 
 habit of absolute command, which he acquired in the 
 navy. Among many, I would only notice one, namely, 
 to stand by and see the young gentlemen draw their 
 water, which it appears, by the Nero-like regulations 
 of the board, emanated from your honourable body, 
 and is at once painful and degrading, more particu- 
 larly, to see that water measured, and to keep cocks 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 141 
 under locks and keys, for fear of wasting the precious 
 iTi K,^''^^"'^'!'' '="''''• ' <='"«='=ive. n,i|ht more pro! 
 ?nnl^' \'""^" •''" <=''"S« "f 'he culiniy art stf or 
 cook, whose occupation is more connected with the 
 hydroscope than a learned professor. This is a subiect 
 on which, though it is a desideratum to be modera e " the 
 connecting rods, and inner plummer-block brasses'" of 
 rny temper a ways "work hot," and my own roa- 
 son IS insufficient to reduce the temperature 7them 
 or to keep heavy bearings cool." ^uch services are 
 incompatible with the rant and station of alec lurero^ 
 astronomy and mathematics, inconsistent with he du" 
 ties of my proper office, and derogatory from the see 
 cifio gravity and dignity of the libefal scfence™ vX 
 these pa,„f„, circumstances, I would suggest a removal 
 of the seminary to Clifton, where it coSfd be eniS 
 to accommodate the students of other ships, and vXre 
 
 & the'a d"orf r" """^'^■'•^ '^"F"" '" ^'' ''» branch/' 
 an 1 diffi^nl? I. / <=='Pe"mental trips on that sinuous 
 a^^d ditTicull, but most beautiful of rivers, the Severn 
 Nothing can be done without strict discipl „e Screw 
 -ng up the nuts, detaching loose bolts, Ch^nWthe 
 S ^""t'"^'' "J^g-linksT and other bearings of the 
 mind or the waste valves, will let otT instruct"™ as fist . 
 
 able I 3!""^- f''""'!''''i^^"gge^«ionnotbeacce; 
 hni!; ^ "i, T? '° '■^^'g" 'he commission I have tVe 
 or.he'hlt"''* ^""^ 't,^""'"^' ^''■"'r due conside a, on 
 
 revew of TIlThTcon'"'"^ "*" "^ P°^'"™' """l ^ ''"« 
 niate ?LnU •, • <=°"*«<I"ences immediate and ulti- 
 
 dTnc^ in ,h^ It involve any material wan' of confi- 
 f rn m ,r P"'''"'' '" '^is grest steamer, or detract 
 
 IcaTe o/trF™'"'"' '''"'* "^ "^'^ ^P'''"'''^ ship in , hi 
 sea e of the European mercantile marine, 1 can onlv 
 deplore so sad a result to the stockholders vvhich th.^ 
 meLZ7s TV'^ V''"'^^ "P'''^"=^""" of -P-atorv 
 
 Peter Quadrant. 
 
142 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 No. XXI. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM MOSES LEVY TO LEVI MOSj:S. 
 
 My deersh Frent — 
 
 Veil, hear I arn on pord te Crate Weshtern shet 
 up liksh a tog, and so shick to ma shtomac as a pompsh te 
 live longsh tay. Vare it all comsh from I dont know, 
 shelp me Got, for I cant shvvaller notii g at all, and have 
 got noting in mc Jat I knowsh of, and yet it comsh and 
 comsh, as if tere was no ent to it like a sphrink, dat runsh 
 ofer all to time, an 1 never shtophs for roneink. Ma 
 trowsKer ish too larsh for ma, I have fell away sho, and 
 lo'-ksh as if tey wishnt made for ma, vitch is true, for I 
 bought dem from Bill Gubbinsh, but den tey fitted me 
 ash w*)ll as if tey wash, and sho ma coat hanks ash 
 loose ash a pursheres s^irt on a hantshpike, and ma 
 tonke is all furred up vid nap, lonker den vat is on ma 
 hat, blow ma tight if it aint. Veil den, varte am I to 
 do, I cant shet no lonker to cards to play, den de teal, 
 and den I am oblished to cut and rhun, and so soon 
 ash I gets pack and taksh up te cartes, it comsh akain, 
 ant I have no more time den to trow town te cartsh 
 and off and trow up de shick. Oh, mine Cot ! put tish 
 too pad ash ever you did she, ant worsher too, it would 
 pe petter to die ash to live longh dish way. 
 
 But dat ish not de worsht, needer, for I looshes te 
 monish, by linking more of maself dan de cartsh ; and 
 comink and goink, up ant town, backwart and forwart 
 te whole plessed time, and no resht for min tingk te 
 <jora'3 and petterigk ven a hopportunita hoffers, vitch is 
 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 143 
 gooi and o(e to be shecsed upon; and I cant tru.ht m, 
 memorv no ,nore ash to nopoty cish, for it is mZ 
 I do peloeve. and wont holt nottink no more ash ma 
 
 dilt ki" "° ""''' '"'' ^""^ P« '"°^« P«"«r ii-dcy 
 Vel, tish a pity, loo— strikesh ma turn, if i« hishn't 
 for she ,sh a fary expenshive .heep, is to Crate Wesh" 
 tern; te passage cosht a crafp tm.l..f rv, • l 
 ash fortJwo slovereign^ f'nd t ^e il a"n3 Th'nT 
 amongslit sho many reshpectahle and rish" hemlemant 
 to do bishness ; playing and petting, and shel" „ranH 
 shangmg. and pying and sho on, elpesWalt "t ^i°|"f 
 ven ^e vtskey kome in and de caw hin g7ou, flh 
 ear ! oh tear ! put tis too pad, I am so tampt mishfor' 
 tmate ash not for to pe aple to do noting no more ash 
 a ch< d, I am sho shick te whole time, and more tead 
 ashahve nnd more onelokey ash lead. De Syvll take 
 
 o sh::em!,"rf'' 'hT' ^ ^°°''"'' '"''^ BnoteT;oya1: 
 to shave ma life, shelp ma cot. I mosht afeart AmeHra 
 
 ish no conelry for te Jewish, no more ash ScoUa^d i^h 
 vitch hash not nk in it at all nut nriHs .1. 
 oatmeal and vishkey. Te Yalkee ^? L'"''-';^' ""' 
 mush for us, ant too mush wfde awake an" sho ,h '"" 
 ash a neetle at making von pargaTn 'vi ch' givfn'S 
 chaijsi, at aji to a poor iew to Jiff n^r, a^ u 
 prmches,, no noplesf nor liZ lorlfvat^rendl'mrnish 
 before he pecomes tu, ant runsh in debt^ant ZeZnt 
 
 dere a,„., and doy knowsh it so Lll as I dof S n^ro 
 
 SpS Rllh"",!"'" ''f '''""' ^y " P""' hopportuntta t,ll 
 CpriDg R,sh al.are te postage to von penny. He cot 
 
144 
 
 YANKEE TARN:^ AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 • 'A i 
 
 it tcv/ iiigh pefore, ant now he cot it too low — but dat 
 ish his look out, ant note mhine ; but \e\\ a lettare cosht 
 no more ash von penny, I will write you more regular 
 ash I to now, and not cosht so mush monish, needer, 
 ash at present time. 
 
 Your frient, 
 To Mr. Moses Levi. Levi Moses. 
 
 Poaht Schript. — Oh, mine Cot ! if I havent tun de 
 pishness sinsh I rote vat ish rhitten apove itsh a pity — 
 dats all. I aint no more onwell, put petter ash never; 
 ant I wund pack all my passage monish, ant two sho- 
 veroigns more, ant a haif-shovereign, ant two shillings, 
 three pence, at carts, pcsidge five pounds of a pet, and 
 here he ish, all shafe ant shound in mine pocket, and 
 he dont go out vid my leaf, till he preeds and hatches 
 more, to keep up de preed of young shovereigns. Oh! 
 put I liksh to put my hant in mine preeches pocked and 
 feel him, and count him ofer, ant she he ish shafe ant 
 shound. 
 
 T . i valk te teck, up ant town ant up ant town 
 pack again, peeplish shay, Mishter Moses, dey shay, 
 varte pleash you sho, make you look so tarnt goot-na- 
 tured to-day, and I shay, oh, he feels goot ant mush 
 petter ash he wash. I cot te medicine here dat cure 
 de she-shickness, ant shet me right again, and den my 
 hand,vat is in my pocket, he pats de shovereigns vat is 
 in mine preeches, on de heat, and I tink to maself, goot 
 poys dem shovereigns — vary goot poys, ant has no 
 more dutiful subshects, nor lovingk frients vat ish font 
 of tern dan me. Veil, den, I shell all my boxesh of 
 shigars to te stewart, when he gels out of shtock, by 
 reashon of te longk voyage, and hash no more left, ant 
 no plashe to go to, to puy dem. I shell em, pecause I 
 wash too ill to shmoke em, maself, ant hadnt no more 
 ush for em ; ant he knowed no petter, for he ish a fool, 
 and dont know vat monish ish nor de shentlemans., 
 needer — put I do, I hope, or elsh my name isnnt 
 
 Levi Moses. 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 145 
 
 No. XXII. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM A SERVANT OF A FAMILY TRA- 
 VELLING TO ASTORIA. 
 Derb Sl'say — 
 
 spent atw^ll^'rdin hIdTo ^it Ht^as" 'S 
 »o sun to take leve of dere old En^g^and But so^U k^ 
 
 I T,1^TN°" '""■''n'^'^ ^""'' Western, and so have 
 l- Tt looks like a cell in New Gate, only cleier were 
 poor George was lodged for putting lady Anns watch 
 wavs Tn nh ^^, "-'^"^ke for his hfne, b^ut he w^^'a 
 
 SXr Th»"' "\f" ''"'?'•" •>« «'«»' '<> Bottanv was 
 l,eorge. They call it a burth because its a new llf^ 
 
 on board ship, and is like beginning oFthe worW^J 
 
 and takes grate nussing befofe you^l' :t.^Ti:il;^ 
 
 most mconvenientest pTace I ever saw. The sealing i! 
 
 so low in places you cant walk upright, and you gft a 
 
 stroke every now and then when you east exoefrit 
 
 wains oiit. It is a hard think to leve dere old Eno-ln„H 
 .ts halters and fares, and churches and iheetres ffr the 
 
 I otter fhL ' "^ ?"* "' -'"'''' !«"■'«■• sumlhinfc 
 
 alHnV , ",^ 'k !r'" ''"""S- ^tond'ng at Airy's and 
 
 'alking to the butler or perhaps the .oung master a( 
 
I 
 
 '1 
 
 146 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 the next number is verry plesant, but then it seldom 
 ends satisfactury, for they dont often fulfil, and if you 
 remind them of their proter stations, the perfigiores 
 •wretches say they never ment nothing but in the way 
 of servility, and if you do g( for to take on why they 
 take themselves off directly and desart you and no- 
 thing is left but artburnings, unless it is the surpentine 
 to put it out. Going abroad gives wun an opportunity 
 to see the wurld and visit places where men isnt so 
 liartificial as in Lundun, and promises aint made on 
 purpus to be broke, and harts go for nothing except to 
 be trumpt in tricks as poor Tummus used to say, at 
 wist. But still it do give wun menny a sad our think- 
 ing of appy days past, and friends left behind besides 
 theni as left us, it brings teres in my eyes when I am 
 alone in bed, and makes me think of throwing up at 
 New York and returning, but I resorts to the good 
 buck at sitch times and finds consolation in it. The 
 d ;k of this vesijcl is as crowded as Regent street arter 
 luiuplight — there are sum. verry interresting men on 
 bord, one of them they cell a " pole" though why I am 
 sure I dont know ; for I think some of them as say so 
 behind his back are poor * sticks' themselves. He is a 
 very pretty man with a beautiful curly moustouchio, 
 and black whiskers, and sings so sweet it is quite 
 charming. I dont know whether his christian name is 
 North or not, but I overhear them talking a good dele 
 about north pole, and that government offered a large 
 sum to any body as would get round him, ten thousand 
 pounds I believe. He dont speak much English, but 
 he talks very perlite to me and bows ve-'y handsum, 
 and oh how brite his eyes are. 
 
 They affect one so, that people do say no needle 
 was ever none to wurk nere him, his attractions is so 
 pirate. T wundcr if Lord Molburne or Normanboy 
 would give mc the reward if I was to ^ct round him. 
 I'mc sure I could do it, for he squeezed my hand t\\'ise, 
 and the last time would a had his hone round me if 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 147 
 missus hadnt a been coming. I dremed of the ten 
 thousand pound all nite, oh dear what a nrize thn^ 
 woud be for poor mary^We ar^ too go^ to New 
 
 Wles'lnd'thru f'\" " ^ ^" ""''' clragged^after orL" 
 simmff nf h n '^^^?' ?"^ g^tes and waist ways and 
 
 to a dL?^ S' '" n ^"^"^ ^"^ ^ ^^"^ ^»«w what all 
 fore^r^ Th ^^^ ^^" mont-tree-all-because it's all a 
 torest. Then we are to be shoved for twenty davs bv 
 a frenchman, up a stream with \onnr po^s who^in^{ 
 songs to kepe time. This part they ?ay i v;ry Jea an 
 only you get tired of it, for too m^uch^of on7 thinTis 
 
 Ihlf r!,^^"^' i' P"«^ •^^^^ Tummus used to fay 
 when he had anything to do. ^' 
 
 turls^TllTnk^rri' 'T rr^ ^^^'^^^' ^^^^^^ crea. 
 lures, all nnked except a httle very ittle clothino- ]\h^ 
 
 he nasty Scotch pip^er that used^o j^a^l^^ ouf a ry 
 ous sZrTtoo '%r'r\-- r^n^ and^hat ridicuT 
 to In^r I A^u^y ^^T'^ ^''"S '^"^^'^^ that are dredful 
 to look at, and thmgs they call tommy oxes, to cu 
 hairy scalps with, and they are to guide us out of ^h^ 
 wudes, and hunt for us. Pretty guiles them as master 
 says to show us the way we are to walk in. 
 
 iW^uy^Tf ^^^ '^T'h ^"^ ^^^^ ^^«t« a munth-only 
 think of a hole munth of a desert ! We must wait to 
 
 V e in before we proseed, provision for the journey, and 
 
 tk^n we must sleep out of dores every nite, wit^h no- 
 
 thing over us but sky, and nothing under us but earth 
 
 and nothing in us but cold wittals." I am afraid I shlll 
 
 never survive them saviges. Wlien the sun goes down 
 
 we aio to camp together bundling, they call it, the wo^ 
 
 men in the middle, then the men, and then the saviges 
 
 to keep off the wo ves and bares and wild beasts, f s 
 
 It^f I'^fV?^'"'^' ''."'^ '^ ■ ^^^ I ^^a» ^ake shift 
 to get on I dont know— it terrifies me to think of it 
 i.ast nite I dremed of it. fo. this part sleeping in pub: 
 he haunts me like a gost, and I dremed I saw a lion 
 With grete glaring eyes, and felt his big heavy paw 
 'ipon me, and I woke up with frite trembling ail ovei 
 
,-,.^,lo^-.>^^ 
 
 ^M- A':^i 
 
 148 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 like an asspin, and what do you think it was, Susan: it 
 was only the hand of the Stewart feeling if the light 
 was out, for all lites are xtinguished at ten o'clock. 
 He is a verry nise man the Stewart. Well than after 
 all that cum sum grate mountings, the very idea of 
 which terrify me. They will lake several months to 
 get over, on account of the stones. They call thero 
 the rockey mountings. The trees are 2 hundred feel 
 high and snow I dont know how high. Missus says 
 if I pesist in going thro the travail, and remain three 
 years with them, 1 shall have a pin ching from the So- 
 ciety for propogating in furrin parts of ten pounds a 
 year, and be safe delivered in England, free of ex- 
 pense, when my time is out. After going over the 
 Kockey we descend tother side to a place they call 
 Astoria which is to be our home while we are abroad. 
 This place is called a factory though nothing is made 
 there but munny a trading in furs, and they aint so 
 plenty there as they used to be, for the wild beasts is 
 getting * up to trap' now and wont cum to be cort. 
 They keep * fur' off now. I '11 get a muff or a tippet 
 here of bare skin or of otter, which smells so well 
 The oil of that animal is what you buy so dere in Lun- 
 dun in sent bullies ; but O dere I furgets, whats the use 
 of smelling sweet if there is no one to smell you but 
 yourself. 
 
 Who master is to preach to when he gets there I 
 dont no xcept it is to missus and me and the rest of 
 the family, and if he goes to preach to her she '11 give 
 him such a lectur as he has no notion of, thats sertain, 
 for she gave master that is dead and gone a dredful 
 time of it here below, and as for me, my morals cant 
 be no better — and besides, when we are out of the 
 wurld, as a body might say, what in the wurld is the 
 danger of temptation vi^hen there is no body to tempt 
 you 1 l^hem horrid Indgians wont understand him nor 
 them french Voia jeers neither, and besides they are 
 papists and wont cum. Thats just the way with those 
 
 t\ 
 
 \i 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTEIIS. U\) 
 sailers; last Sunday when they was ordered to prayers 
 hey agreed to say they were Catholics and had scrib 
 bles of conscience, for they cant force Z^VT 
 now since O'Connell is n.ad^ po^l tTpMrnisTe" 
 and the Captam said, very well, they ari excused hen 
 
 iiZZ ^Ti ^^^y-Oi^-' deary^me, what a on. 
 time that is to be away, aint it Susan, and me twenty? 
 five years old already. How lonesum I shall be ni 
 body but master and missus and the doctor and "he 
 too clarks and me in the house. The Governor and 
 
 500 mt7o7^^ '''' ''' ^"^ "^^^ ^-^ ^^^^^^oZ ^ 
 Mr. Campbell the clerk is a very handsum youn^ 
 man. He is to travail with us. He takes gre^t noticf 
 of me when nobody is a noticing of him a siinnin^ 
 mto the hole every chance he gets of the v^'ssel aTe^ 
 
 Marvil' ^t"'^ H^^"^T ^^y^ he the othl la": 
 Mary dear, I wish I knew the rode to your hart~wel 
 sir, said I, It lies through the church door. Says he 
 
 are ^ H ^"^'/^'^ T'^'"' "^>^ ^^^^' ^^^ " showryou 
 are a gud gud, such an uncommon pretty gurl as you 
 
 (he said uncommon I assure you, I L certain iVant 
 
 be mistaken) such an uncommon pretty gurl (it wa« 
 
 verry sivi of him to say so, when after all I redly do 
 
 mnn nri """^ f ^^''^' ^"'^>' P^^«y)' ^^^^ an uncom- 
 mon pretty gurl as you are must take care of yourself 
 and then putting his face close up, said, never let any 
 body whisper to you, or they cant help doing as I do, 
 kiss you-and before I could reprove him, he was off 
 and into the cabin. » ^ was on 
 
 iJ^m!^^ ^T^n^ '"^- yesterday, I overheard him 
 tell Missus, the Governor had promised him « to brinff 
 him m a partner this year." Who can she be? wl 
 have nobody on board a going there, but little me, and 
 1 am poor and at sarvice, and nothing but my face for 
 my fortune; but then havn't just as' strange things 
 happened ? Didn't our Butler that was, marry L 
 young Missus that was, an4 didn't uis young Missus 
 
I'M- . 
 
 150 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 marry him 1 If they are to ♦ bring him in a partner ' 
 this year, they must do it now, or his partner will 
 never get there. It will be too late in the season. 
 Oh, I woii.dn't mind the mountings, nor the rapids, nor 
 the desert, nor any thing, if this was to be the end of 
 all my travail ! If so be this should turn up — honour 
 for trump card — don't fear, Susan, I shan't be proud, 
 and pertend not to know you, or keep company with 
 you, because nothing will ever make me forget you, 
 and don't you for the wurld, ever say a wurd about 
 them earrings the Jew boy got blamed for, or the 
 worked collar the beggar woman took, as Missus thort ; 
 but as for Robert carrying his head so high after de- 
 serting me, and saying he did so because leave-taking 
 was painful, and me running such risks hiding him in 
 the laundry, 1 '11 let him no his place, I can tell him, 
 and never let him go for to dare as much as for to 
 luck at me again, the ard arted retch, or I will call 
 pellise to him, see if I don't. I shall turn over a new 
 leaf in America. It don't do to be too confiding with 
 men. They think only of their hone, and not other 
 people's ends, and the next one as threatens to drown 
 himself as Robert did, may just do it for all I care, it 
 woht deceive me again. Lusing a butler is no such 
 grate matter as lusing wuns pease and karacter. Tell 
 him he is dispisable for a gay deceiver, and that if 1 
 ad him with me forty days and forty nights in the de- 
 sert, I'd leave him there for his parjury, a pray to the 
 stings of sarpents and his hone conscience. Drinking 
 satturn and mydearer wine of his master, dont justify 
 him to kiss and desert poor gurls as if he was a gen- 
 tleman born. Such airs are very misbecoming one in 
 his station, and he deserves a good kicking for his im- 
 
 ference, the retch. As sune as my travail is over, and 
 reach at last, this distant country, Astoria, I will rite 
 you another letter by a mail that goes every sixjnonths 
 chasing whales, and tell you whether I am cumming 
 on with Mr. Campbell, and about the bare skin furs. 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 151 
 
 l?,!'!"?^"'? "''i!''^ ""'"''' »"<* ^" °°! 'nd now dear 
 tin,!', ""r"^ ""t' y°" ""^ W""^™ Coachman cod- 
 
 f^thful frielr" '""'' "'" '°8^'^^'-' ' '•«■»'"'' yo" 
 
 Now and for ever, 
 
 Mary Poole. 
 
 No. XXIII. 
 
 THE MISDIRECTED LETTER No. I. 
 
 LETTER FROM A COLONiST TO HIS 
 
 BROTHER. 
 
 My dear and honoured Father 
 
 nfih. I ^^^^.^ the pleasure to acknowledge your letter 
 of the first of February last, giving me the gratifying 
 m elhgence of the health of my dear mother Ld your- 
 se f and upon receipt of it lost no time in comi^ying 
 WNr^v"^!'^^' for my return, by embarking at once 
 for New York r. *'ie Great Western. Your indulgence 
 Inf""? 5\^" ou.dsions, requires, even if I were not 
 ac uated by a higher motive, that I should implicitly 
 follovv your mstructions, which, I am aware, are only 
 dictated by an anxious solicitude for my welfare, and 
 
 LnT ^uV"'^^ '^? /"^ ^^^ J"«t^^« to believe, that the 
 ready obedience I have shown in this case, even ai 
 a time when an affection of the lungs required medical 
 reatinent, is a proof of my desire tS meet your wishes 
 in all things, and upon all occasions. The dampness 
 ot the climate in England has operated rcther unfavour- 
 ably upon my lungs, and a succession of colds ha« 
 

 ^ri 
 
 ii 
 
 '■#** 
 
 152 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 rendered it necessary for me to consult an eminent 
 physician, whose enormous and extravagant charges 
 (which I understand are always more so to strangers) 
 have made me draw largely upon my letter of credit, 
 but I know that I should not please you unless I took 
 the best advice, let it cost what it would. Indeed, my 
 general expenses have been larger than I could have 
 wished. London is an excessively expensive place to 
 live in, and although I have neither the inclination nor 
 I may add the means for extravagance, yet, I fear, my 
 expenditure will appear large to you, for notwithstand- 
 ing the doctor's fees (which is an unforeseen and indis- 
 f)ensable item), the result without that is altogether too 
 arge for a person of my regular and retired habits. 
 You will be surprised to hear that young as I am, L 
 have only been to the theatre once, but that was once 
 too often, and indeed, I should not have felt a desire to 
 go at all, had it not been for your repeatedly, expressed 
 ^vish, that I should see whatever was worth seeing in 
 London, that my travels might be productive of useful 
 inibrmation as well as amusement. To tell you the 
 truth, I have some scruples as to the propriety of visit 
 ing such places at all; on that occasion I had the mis- 
 fortune to be run over in the street by a cab, and was 
 severely stunned and bruised ; and when I came to, I 
 found that I had been relieved by some of the light 
 fingered gentry of this metropolis of the beautiful fifty 
 guinea watch, you were so kind as to give me, and 
 also a quarter's allowance which I had received that 
 day f om my banker. I admit that I ought not to 
 have carried that money about me, but that I do not 
 regret, for economy will easily replace it; but this 
 token of your regard I ^"^alued more than the money 
 as a remembrancer of you, and had hoped to have kept 
 it through life, to remind me of the value of time, of 
 the kind friend and monitor that gave it, and as a 
 pledge of parental affection. But providence has ordered 
 it otherwise, and I must submit to that which I can* 
 
YAJVKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 153 
 
 not control. Had I not been deprived of all sensation 
 I would have parted with my life sooner than with 
 that little keepsake.— The doctors, I am sorry to say 
 seem to think that the affection of my lungs has been 
 mcreased by the injury I have received. I have mado 
 a valuable addition to my medical library, upon which 
 I have spent what most young men of my age would 
 have consumed upon their pleasures. I shall leave the 
 ^books to follow, and hope they will arrive safe. 
 
 I look forward with the greatest pleasure and anxiety 
 to see you all again, and shall hurry home again as 
 fast as possible to resume the study of my profession in 
 my native place, where with your powerful connexion 
 and valuable advice, I make no doubt, I shall fulfil all 
 your expectations. 
 
 To qualify myself for thus entering upon the duties 
 ot lite, I have lost no opportunity of attending the best 
 lecturers at the several hospitals. 
 
 It gives me the greatest pain to hear from vou that 
 my brother Tom is inclined to dissipation and extra- 
 vagance. I was always afraid that such would be the 
 result of your too indulgent allowance, which it is never 
 prudent to enlarge as you have done, for a y^ung man 
 of his gay temperament. If I find on my return that 
 he persists in these courses, I shall be under the ne- 
 cessity of. withdrawing in a great measure from his 
 society ; for evil communications, according to an old 
 proverb, have unquestionably a deleterious inflbence on 
 the manners and principles. I have bought you a very 
 improved pair of patent spectacles, which, I think, you 
 will find very useful, and also a newly invented iai- 
 trumpet for poor dear mother, which, I hope, you and 
 She will do me the favour to accept and wear for the 
 sake of, dear and honoured father, 
 
 Your most affectionate and dutiful son, 
 
 Artkur Snob. 
 
 ™"j 
 
'-Si 
 
 '.it 
 
 . f 
 
 151 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 No. XXIV. 
 
 '''flii 
 
 ':'il 
 
 ' ' » 
 
 
 ■ n 
 
 r 
 
 -Hi 
 
 THE MISDIRECTED LETTER, No. 2. 
 A COLONIST TO HIS FATHER. 
 
 My dear Tom — 
 
 You will be surprised to hear I am on board 
 the Great Western, instead of coming direct to Que- 
 bec ; but I intend to run the full length of my tether, 
 and have made up my mind to have a lark in the states 
 before I come back. What the old cove will say to 
 this, I do not know ; but 1 have written a letter to him 
 by this packet, that will effectually hood-wink him, I 
 hope. It is quite in his own style, and as good as be 
 d d. I have had a glorious time of it, both in Lon- 
 don and Paris, and have gone the whole figure ; but it 
 has cost so much money, that I am afraid to add it 
 all up. How the devil to account for this expendi- 
 ture to our old governor, I don't know ; for, besides 
 ordinary expenses, I have had a job for the doctor, my 
 health having materially suffered by my dissipations. 
 I have wiped out part of this, by swearing *I was run 
 over and robbed of a quarter's allowance, and the gold 
 watch he gave me, which I left in pawn; and have ac- 
 counted for the doctor's part, by an inflammation of 
 the lungs, from the damp climate, while another part 
 I have set down to books, which, of course, will never 
 arrive. 
 
 For heaven's sake, look out for the name of some 
 vessel that has foundered at sea, or been wrecked and 
 cargo lost, that I may fix on her for having my library 
 on board. What to say for the rest, I positively do 
 not know — can't you help me ? Try and think it ove^ 
 

 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 155 
 
 that's a good fellow, for something must be done, or 
 the old man will play the devil with me hen I return. 
 Lord ! I thought I should have died a ...^rhing, once, 
 
 • ♦K ''l^l'^^"''' r?..''"^ ^""^^v afternoon with a Grizette, 
 in the Champ Llhsis, where there was a splendid hop, 
 and thinkmg if my old evangelical father was to see 
 me, how It would make him stare with all his eyes. 
 He would have edified his saints for a month, by this 
 instance of back-sliding, if he had seen it. Poor, dear, 
 good old man, I must say he has a Httle dash of the 
 hypocrite about him, and I never can resist lauffhing. 
 
 wu i r""^ '."^'' ^^^^ ^'^^^t*^' ^^7' canting visage of his. 
 What fun It would have been, if he had happened to 
 have been in Paris, then, to have inveigled him in there, 
 and then quizzed him about it afterwards— wouldn't it ^ 
 1 will te 1 you who I did see there, though, and it 
 wil astonish you to hear it, as much as it did not me: 
 no less than Deacon Closefist-I did, upon my honour. 
 Ihe moment I saw him, I cut and run, for I was danc- 
 ing and he was not, and I didn't want him to see me, 
 any more than he did, that I should come across his 
 hawser. 1 have had a very awkward affair in one of 
 the gambling houses of London, before I left town It 
 was at the Quadrant, with a young fellow of the Tem- 
 ple, and I was under the disagreeable necessity of 
 calling him out. We exchanged shots, twice, and I 
 was fortunate enough to pink him in the hand, without 
 endangering his life, and to escape being hit, myself, 
 which is very lucky, for he was a capital shot. I was 
 m a dreadful funk, for fear it would get wind, and find 
 Its way into the newspapers, when some damned good- 
 natured friend would have been sure to have told father 
 all about it, especially as the quarrel was about a fair 
 triend of mine. It's no use talking about it, Tom, but 
 women are at the bottom of all the mischief in the 
 world. I wish the devil had the whole of them, for 
 they have led me into a pretty mess of expense ana 
 ♦rouble since I have been abroad; but if old men will 
 
156 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 send young men to London, to see the world, why they 
 must just make up their minds to pay the piper, and 
 there is no help for it. I have sent the old boy a pair 
 of spectacles to improve his vision ; don't laugh at the 
 joke when you see them, there is no fear of his being 
 up to it, for he never was up to any thing in his life, 
 but saving money. I have some capital stories for 
 you, when we meet, about my adventures, but it's not 
 altogether safe to commit them to paper, for fear of 
 accidents. 
 
 Don't lisp a syllable of all this, and believe me, dear 
 Tom, 
 
 Yours, always, 
 
 Arthur Snob. 
 
 No. XXV. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 i-j'. 
 
 FROM A LOCO FOCO OF NEW YORK, TO A 
 SYMPATHISER IN VERMONT. 
 
 My Dear JoHprsToy — 
 
 So many persons have lately travelled through 
 North America, all of whom have made most singular 
 and valuable discoveries in the theory of government, 
 that I have made it my business, during my recent visit 
 to Great Britain, to enquire into the state of the nation, 
 the condition of the people, and the causes of discon- 
 tent, and have now the pleasure of sending you an ab- 
 stract of my observations, which I shall, shortly, publish 
 more at large. I feel satisfied 1 shall astonish the na 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LFTTEES. 157 
 
 fives with the magnitude of the disclosures and th» 
 importance of the subjects contained in my work, and 
 exhibit a state of misrule and misgovernment IhaUs 
 
 v:?.*:: tCTh '"^- ?"? °v''\'"«'' st"a"r„g Tsc" 
 
 h,S ■ ''''™ !"'"1« 'S' ">«t the people of the upper 
 L u 'j°^' "^^'""^' ^''^ a diflerent lansuase and 
 
 Sf Wa'nf "n n"^'°" ''"" ^^« '■" 'he lowefi'sl ^d 
 ol lieland. Until my visit, this important truth was 
 
 never known; and it bears a strong resemblance to 
 : p;e;,er:f ^ "7""'"'='' ''>/ Sreat linTuisr^h ° 
 not Seak Rnll^h T^'/'l T' Anglo-Saxons, and do 
 mv hS if^F ■"'^'^''' ' """y ^"y- 'hat nothing in 
 
 my book is of more importance than this information • 
 for he consequence is, the Irish members of paTa: 
 EnlnT^ ^ ™ u "r '"""y- •■'"'' "■« English, an'^ther. 
 
 Sno ani of",'^ I*" ^T"'^'^' ^""" 'h«'ndolence and 
 Ignorance of its rulers, for centuries past, is filled with 
 
 people dissatisfied with the government ^nd the exist- 
 ing order of things. These people are termed Charti 
 
 well Xrr""! 'tr ' S^^--" ''""y «f res^olaZ 
 well-informed, and able men, and constitute, it seems 
 
 U^e majority of the people: I have, therefore feltTmy 
 
 duty, to make their conciliation my chief study. Thev 
 
 comp am that the higher orders^persons of^propert^ 
 
 and standing in the kingdom, are linked in a common 
 
 hlvMtV"' '"PP"" "^ T'""'^''^^ institutions? m'S 
 comntT-fT'J%'^-'^r'^'^y''y^'' '^em "the family 
 Hp^r -'.u V °^''"'' «='"«' « very singular coined 
 dence with what is now going on in i distant part of 
 the empire. The bench, the magistrates, the high 
 offices of the episcopal church, and a great part of 1 e 
 legar profession, as well as the arm/ and navy, are 
 
 shared L^T"" °f ""'' P^'^' ^''<'' ""'" '"'ely. 
 ^rTandTol,!'""' '"'""' ^'"='"^""='y' »" <"^-=- '' 
 ihl!!"^ complain that this compact co-operates for 
 he P'L'-P"^^^"^ "PP-'^^^ing the poor. Of tyrannising over 
 tfte weak, of suppressing instruction, or rathc-r " 
 
 14 
 
 con! 
 
158 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 I 
 
 ing it to themselves, and of ruining the na*ion: and 
 from their wealth, station in life, and education, I 
 conceive it to be true, more especially as so many 
 of them belong to the established churches of England 
 and Scotland. They also allege that the upper branch 
 of the legislature is composed altogether of people of 
 this class, which, indeed, its very name, " House oi 
 Lords," seems to prove, and that such has been the 
 favouritism of this " compact party," that no instance 
 is known of a Chartist being made a I ord Chancel! .»r, 
 an Archbishop, a Chief Justice, or a Peer of the realm, 
 or filling any of the high offices about the Palace yt 
 the person of the Queen, a case of partiality and mia- 
 rule unparalleled in the history of any country. The 
 object of the Chartists is to render the House of Lords 
 elective and responsible to them, which universal suf- 
 frage will inevitably produce; and it is in vain to con- 
 ceal the fact, that they never will be content with any 
 thing short of this reform, nor do I think they ought. 
 Despairing of constitutional redress, for these accumu- 
 lated evils, they most imprudently took up arms at 
 Birmingham, before they were quite ready for the 
 revolution, and destroyed much property as well as 
 many lives. I think there should be a genertjl pardon 
 of the offenders, the jails opened, and the patriots set 
 at large. Politics are sacred, and opinions are not fit 
 subjects for legal enquiries. They were evidently en- 
 trapped into rebellion, as appears by the circumstance 
 of the Dragoons being stationed at so great a distance 
 as London, an opinion which is strengthened by the 
 fact, that the head of the county, though aware of the 
 danger, relied upon the constabulary force, for the 
 preservation of the peace, instead of the military. A 
 general pardo?i of these respectable persons, whose 
 feelings I should be reluctant to see wounded, by their 
 being sent to a penal settlement, is the most expedient 
 course that occurs to me, for the scene being at a dis- 
 tance, neither the bloodsiied nor the destruction ol 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 159 
 property (dreadful as it must be admitted to have been) 
 can ever reach us, and besides, many of the objects 
 they demand I fully approve of. Another subLcrof 
 
 be7i?'t is' l^' ^^' ''''''' "^i^"*^' * «'^ ^y '^^ -^o^- 
 
 hprffnnV ^^^^'ly ^OL^pact, who by purchasc or in- 
 heritance own nearly the v/hole inland, m so manv 
 thousands of people are auxious to get possession of 
 mese estates, and are not permitted ^ > do so. This is 
 . senous evil, and it is my opinion, ... all cases where 
 he title IS by grant, the Crown should enquire into 
 tX ''''^"' ^«V-e«"rne them. There are woods, and 
 parks, and uncultivated land in England, owned' a 
 few landholders of the clique, sufficiently 'large to Lp. 
 jor^ all the poor and idle people of North America. 
 In r ranee, during its revolution, which is ever exciting 
 he envy and admiration of these respectable and intef 
 ligent people, the Chartists, confiscation of the over 
 grown property of their family compacts, formed a 
 valuable source of public revenue and private specula! 
 tion, and tney naturally regard the examples of their 
 n6.ghbours as one to be followed by them, an idea 
 r.rH L tK ni "u "^y be -^ encourage. Wiui re- 
 gard to the Church questir ■ ;. necessary to speak 
 
 wih^l'^T* l'^^'^'^^^^' . ou, from time to Le, 
 with grants of real estate; and the discontented party 
 vary properly claim to have an equal division of ihi^ 
 property among all those sects who have none, and I 
 1^;/^!' ' '' is the only rational way of appeasing 
 their clamours. He that gives may take away.~ThS 
 Law gave it. Alter the Law and take it away-in 
 eithor case it is the operation of Law. Whatever 
 apparent right, law and usage may give the Estah 
 ished Church, to these lands, reason lives none, and 
 n this enlighten- d age, reason must prevail ir all mat- 
 ters of religion ; and mysteries, the subject of faith, must 
 be given up. A stated resident clergy are unsuited to 
 a migratory ppople like th. English, who live in rai?. 
 cars and steamboats, and strolling preachers like stroil- 
 
 n 
 
m I 
 
 !..: 
 
 ::l 
 
 i 
 
 ^' ■ • ■- f 1 
 
 
 160 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 ing players, are better adapted to their tastes, habits, 
 and amusements. On all these points, I have recom- 
 mended their leaders to cultivate a good understand- 
 ing with, and to copy the excellent example of the 
 French, who have destroyed al! their family compacts, 
 and by assimilating their institutions to those of their 
 neighbours, to remove all occasions of heart-burnings 
 and envy. 
 
 Scotland I have not seen, but my clerk t jok a ride 
 into it of twelve hours, and he informs me that more 
 than half the houses are uninhabited, the natural con- 
 sequence of misrule and misgovernment. It is easy 
 to conceive how great must be the distress occasioned 
 by the abandonment of their houses, for as the popula- 
 tion has more than doubled notwithstanding, within the 
 last twenty years, it is evident the people must live in 
 the open air, with the beasts of *he field, and will soon 
 become as ferocious and as savage as their compan- 
 ions, and, like Nebuchadnezzar, feed on the coarse herb- 
 age of the earth. This startling fact has I know been 
 doubted, but 1 am convinced of its truth, because one 
 of their most popular authors has endeavoured to sti- 
 mulate his countrymen to exertion, to induce them to 
 make rail-roaJs and to prevail upon them to adopt the 
 modern improvements in agric.iiture, which is to my 
 mind a convincing proof that he disapproves of the 
 ^"'overnment, though delicacy prevents his s^iying so ; 
 or perhaps, being opposed to I'evolutionary doctrines, 
 he has thought proper to conceal what he thinks. Al- 
 though he has not said so, therefore I ccnclude he 
 thinks so, and boldly appeal to his writings in support 
 of my theory and facts, from the very circumstance 
 of his having wholly omitted any such expressions of 
 discontent. 
 
 One thing I certainly wn not prepared to find, not- 
 withstanding the very low opinion I entertain of Eng- 
 lish institutions — namely, the debased and degrn/ied 
 fitate of the mercantile marine. 
 
YANKEE YABNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 161 
 
 The same exclusive and compact feeling exists here 
 ds elsewhere. It will hardly be believed that the entire 
 command of the ship is intrusted to the Captain— that 
 Ue seamen have no voice in the choice of this officer 
 nor any control over him— that he has a council com- 
 posed of his lieutenants and mates, neither of whom 
 are elected by the men, nor amenable to them— and 
 that the only responsibility that exists is to the Di 
 rectors, who do not live on board, seldom visit the ship, 
 and actually reside in Bristol ! If any seaman says he 
 IS a satisfied with this treatment, the Captain very 
 coolly tells him he may leave the ship; and if he re- 
 peats his complaints, he does actually dischc^rgc him. 
 Several meetings of the sailors have' taken plpce at 
 the forecastle, amounting to a large majoritv on board, 
 demanding an extension of suffrage, the election of 
 their own officers, and responsible government. They 
 s^v d knowledge of navigation is not necessary for 
 command, and that a familiarity with the names of 
 the ropes is quite sufficient. They also protest against 
 the enormous salaries of the officers and the immense 
 disparity of the pay of the Captain, wtiich is fifty 
 pounds a month, and the' >, which is the paltry sum of 
 three pounds; and nV ough they have repcntedly 
 oflfered to do the Captain's work for ten pounds a 
 month, whereby a saving of four hundred and ehr]^ty 
 pounds a year would be effected, their oflers have been 
 met by indecent ridicule. Upon one occasion they re- 
 fused to work and actually armed and drilled, and the 
 Captain, who is a member of the Church of EnHand 
 (and of course has every bishop to back hin.v, and a 
 son of a member of the comract (which gives' him the 
 su,jport of the whole official gang), a nephew of a.i^ 
 other, and has a daughter married to a Judge (which 
 precludes every ouc from any hope of justice in any 
 case where he is concerned)— this man had the as- 
 surance to talk of mutiny, and in an official letter 
 
 called tliem disaffected. To show the gross corruntion 
 14* - ^ - 
 
 m 
 
 si 
 
 tl.3. 
 

 B*l" 
 ,1 
 rt ■ I 
 
 162 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 of the faction it is only necessay to state, that instead 
 of saying thei" own prayers, which as Christians they 
 are bound to do, the officers have a chaplain, at an over- 
 grown salary, exceeding that of any three sailors ; 
 and the boatswain, who offered in the most disinterest- 
 ed manner to perform his duty for the nominal remu- 
 neration of a fig of tobacco, and a glass of grog, was 
 reported in a private letter to the directors as a trouble- 
 some man ; and though the situation of first lieutenant 
 has been twice vacant since this happened, he has been 
 as often refused promotion. 
 
 I have conversed with the leading minds among the 
 sailors, many of whoin are extremely well-informed, 
 and exhibit great talent. They repudiate, in the most 
 loyal manner, the idea of mutinyzing or seizing the 
 ship, with great scorn. All they require is to have 
 the entire and sole command of her; and are quite 
 willing to concede to the directors the privilege of 
 protecting and defending her. They also disavow all 
 idea of dissolving British connexion ; and promise to 
 purchase their cargoes in the United Kingdom, if a 
 bankrupt law is adjusted on board, to their satisfaction, 
 so that they could continue to do business, and retain 
 their property, if ever they should be so unfortunate as 
 to become bankrupt. These are reasonable demands ; 
 and a most numerous, influential, and highly respecta- 
 ble body of our enlightened citizens at New York, 
 called Sympathisers, (of which you are one,) are will- 
 ing to assist them in every legitimate mode to obtain 
 redress for these grievances. Responsibility is now the 
 catch-word of the Chartist party ; and they a^e al- 
 ready reaping the fruit of the seed sown by me ; — a 
 quicker germination, and a more premature harvest 
 lias never been exhibited to the world. To make the 
 upper branch of the legislature elective, will soon lead 
 to making the throne elective, and universal suffrage, 
 short parliaments, and vote by ballot, naturally conduce 
 to the great end. The Chartists will then have the 
 
I^f 
 
 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 163 
 
 government in their own hands, and every body wil. 
 be responsible but themselves. In short, nothing will 
 satisfy the able and intelligent reformers of the party 
 but an equalization of property. We are all born 
 equally helpless, and we all repose at last in one com- 
 mon receptacle. Life is ushered in, and the last scene 
 closes, without any distinction, to all alike; and it is 
 
 Trl-^ ^^At^^' during our transitory abode here, these 
 artificial differences should exist. 
 
 It is abundantly evident that every thing which the 
 Compacts call respectable and estimable, in England, 
 must be abolished, if they wish to preserve tranquillity. 
 Where there is nothing to respect, there will be nothing 
 to envy; and where there are no fortunes, there can 
 be no inequality of condition. A man who is better 
 ^ Au ^^\"«^ghbour should be held responsible for 
 It, and he who carries his head higher than his fellow- 
 citizens, should suffer decapitation for his presumption. 
 In preparing my tour for publication, I have en- 
 deavoured to avoid all partiality. During my residence 
 in ±.ngland, I had an ample opportunity of seeing the 
 state of the country, for I sailed once up the Thames 
 in a steam-boat, with nobody on board but my clerks 
 and partner, so that from the deck of the vessel I saw 
 the condition of the people uninterrupted. I crossed 
 the channel in like manner, and spent twenty-four hours 
 in Ireland ; and from the window of the inn I observed 
 what was going on among the Ribbon-men of that 
 island, and other secret societies of Patriots. Instead 
 of conferring with the principal inhabitants, who all 
 belong to the family compact party, and whose whole 
 souls are absorbed in contriving how to enslave the 
 nation, I consulted only my own clerks, so that no one 
 can say I have prejudices instilled into my mind, or 
 that the important discoveries I have made, are not 
 Wholly and exclusively my own. Of them I feel I 
 have a right to be proud, as both original and uniqne. 
 As an appendix I shall add several valuable disserta- 
 

 ■• ^ 
 
 
 164 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 tions, among which will be found an interesting one t n 
 bowel complaints, illustrated by beautiful drawings of 
 the modus operandi ; and on hallucinations of the 
 mind. I feel that it would be criminal in me to with- 
 hold such valuable in/orrnation as I have collected, or 
 to deprive the world of the use of my discoveries. 
 You must, therefore, not be surprised to see this first 
 in print, before you receive the original, as it is im- 
 portant the whole should be made public as soon as 
 possible. 
 
 I am, my dear Bill Johnson, 
 
 Yours truly, 
 
 Timothy Noddy 
 
 No. XXVI. 
 
 LETTER 
 
 i« 
 
 FROM A COACHMAN ON THE RAIL-ROAD 
 
 LINE. 
 
 Dear Friend — 
 
 Old England and I has parted for ever ; I have 
 thrown down the rains, and hear I am, on board the 
 Great Western, old, thick in the wind, stiff in the joints, 
 and tender in the feet — I am fairly done up — I couldn't 
 stand it no longer. When you and me first know'd 
 each other, the matter < fa dozen years agone, 1 drove 
 the Red Rover, in the Liverpool line. You recollects 
 the Red Rover, and a pretty turn-out it was, with light 
 green body, and wheels picked out with white, four 
 smart bays, and did her ten miles an hour, easy, with- 
 

 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 165 
 
 hair'™W^lff '"^ '."'" " S,?"°P' »"d never turned a 
 Til ,"• ' ^"^ '^'"^ »" of that by the rails and I 
 
 sad blow that was, for I liked the roadfand pSs^e„"ert 
 Iked me, and never a one that didn't tip his bob and a 
 
 t zzy for '.he forty miles. Them was tappy davs fo? 
 
 old England, afore reformers and rails tjrned everv 
 
 hi Tt^ ''"'"'"' ""'^ ■"«" ■•ode as natur' intended 
 
 caX a^nd no." h^;''" t" "'l^'''' '"'' -=•« actte 
 cattle, and not by machinery like bags of cotton and 
 
 ZtnlnJ'"",! 'l^'' 'he^Highflytr, on the South- 
 ampton road; well, she waint equal to the Red Kover 
 
 hT,, = ;''r?V''''"'y '';'' «o"'d! but still, she did her 
 
 ml^; L fiff fi *"■■ ^'"'^ '™" ^""^ comfortably, eigh 
 miles to iifty.five minutes, as true as a trivit ^ 
 
 .11 /f°'' "1j "? complaints, as ever I heard of, when 
 all of a sndden, the rail fever broke out there, to* urJ 
 goes the cars, and, in course, down goes the coaches'^ 
 and me along with them. One saTisfaction w^s it' 
 warnt the Highflyer's fault-it warnt she bTke down 
 It was the road; and if people is so foolish as nmto 
 go by coaches, why coaches can't goof themselves as 
 stands to common sense and reason. I wa™! ou 'of 
 employ long, and it warnt likely I should-I was too 
 well known for that ; few men in my line was so we» 
 known; and it arnt boasting, or nothink of he M 
 
 on the Ta" TJlt '? '7' ''^ r'' ""^ '«'"- ^^^ 
 vn me road, in all tingland, nor I was- so T wn« nr. 
 
 ^!l°'t.?l'^''Vr' ??'• "-w ?he M^rki: of- 
 Hunliy. You knowed the Markiss, in course everv 
 body knovved her, she was better hos ed nor an v coacK 
 in England; it was a pleasure to handle the r^Unst 
 one s new toggery, where the cattle was all blood a „d 
 
 al> wTi:I "T^'"''' '" "" P^^'^-'Pointmen? L"d 
 We had a fine run on that line— roads fforH 
 coaches full, lots of lush, and travelled quick. BuTlhe' 
 rails got up an opposition there, too, and he pikes and 
 coaches couldn't stand it no more no'r on the ofher i^es 
 Tlio coaches wa. took off, the bosses was sold off, and 
 
 111 
 
pi;-" 
 
 rtt's. ''■-'. '■ - 
 
 
 I 
 
 166 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 there I was, the third time, off myself, on the stones, 
 again. As long as there was any chance, I stood up 
 under it like a man — it aint a trifle makes itie give in ; 
 but there is no chance, coaches is done in England, 
 and so is gentlemen ; sending to the station for parcels 
 and papers, is a different thing from having them dropt 
 at the gate, and so they'll find when its too late. Mind 
 what I telly, Joe, the rails will do for the gents, o ly 
 give em time for it, as well as for the coaches. That 
 thiePs whistle of a car is no more to be compared to 
 the music of a guard's horn, than chork is to cheese; its 
 very low, that. It always sets my teeth on edge. 
 They'll find, some of those days, what all this levelling 
 will come to in England — I'm blest if they don't; level- 
 ling coachmen down to stokers, is the first step, the 
 next is levelling the gents down to the Brummagim 
 tradesmen. They are booked for a fall, when they'll 
 find no return carriages, or I'me mistaken; but it serves 
 *em right, where people will be so obstinate as not to 
 see how much better dust is than smoke, and they 
 needn't even have dust, if they choses to water the 
 roads, as they ort. There is no stopping, now, to take 
 up or put down a passenger. That day is gone by, 
 and returns by a different road. Accidents, too, is 
 more common on the rails than on the pikes, and when 
 the rails begins, they always kills — there is no hopes 
 of having the good luck to lose a limb, as there is with 
 coaches. You can't pull them up, as you can bosses, 
 they haint got no sense, and it don't stand to reason 
 they can stop themselves, or turn out. I never run 
 over but one man all the time I was on the road, and 
 that was his own fault, for he was deaf and didn't hear 
 us in time ; and one woman, and she run the wrong 
 way, though the lamps was lit, and it served her right 
 for being so stupid. I have always observed women 
 and p^f^s run the wrong way, it's nateral to them, and 
 ♦hey hadnt ort to suffer them to run at large on the 
 sami- ■'•nd with coaches, for they cum to be run over 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 167 
 
 sls"'.n7,l?.»""'' '' l^'y .^''"serous, frightening ho,. 
 
 But ,tT "^ '""'^^'"' ''>' S""'"g ""der the wheels. 
 
 But Its no use guarding now against accidents, Joe 
 
 for coaches is done in England and done for ever and 
 
 a heavy blow it is. Theylas the pride of the country 
 
 here wasn't anything lilfe them as*^! Ve heard ZS 
 
 r^^„ • ?^f l"' '^ ''^^ 5«^d coaches albre rails 
 come ,n fashion, has seed something worth remembrinff 
 and telling of agin and all they are fit forTw is to 
 stick up for watch-houses along the rails, for poresmen 
 to go to sleep m, when they lets moDoV It's a^n^ 
 thmg to think of, and quite^^rt brSg for hem a, 
 knovv'd their valy and speed and safety, L day rbv 
 
 aTlr^"""'^ '^"T "'^"' '" "•« /xteemh^art of 
 an inch of one another and never touch. That wm 
 wat call seeing life was travelling in a coaci but 
 ravelling by rails is like being stowed away fn a parce 
 m the boot; you can't see nothink nor hear no'^Hnk 
 but coaches is done, Joe. yes they are done, and it's a' 
 Pity oo-I couldn't stand it no longer, first one 1 „e 
 nocked up and then another, and nothing seen but 
 hosses going to the ammer, and coachmen thrown out 
 of employ -I couldn't stand it no longer, so llm off 
 o Americka, to a place they calls Nover Scotia. There 
 they have more sense and wont have a rail, th^ natu? 
 
 fhe olher °Th^"' 'f """^'t """^"y '^ ^^^^ •« d" 
 the other. They prefers coaches and they shows their 
 
 sense, as time wi I prove-I am engaged onThehne 
 
 f~™ Halifax to Windsor, that the new steamers will 
 
 Mv ir- r'A'"''.^'"^^'' "''^' "« I '■""^ "e neve 
 ikely to be mterduced, as they have seed the mischief 
 
 Highflyer or Red Rover or Markiss of Huntly there 
 
 coach and hosses complete, and fit for thi Queen to 
 t avel in was, but I havn't, nor can't, nor nobody can't! 
 nor never will again, for coaches, such coaches a. 
 
 I 
 
 ''i?A 
 
1C8 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 them I mean, which was coaches and deserved the 
 name of coaches is done — nobody wont see the like 
 of them again. Arter all Joe, it is a ard think for the 
 like of me as has druv the first coach and best team in 
 all England, and the first gemmen of the land, to go 
 out to that orrid savage country Never Scotia, to end 
 my days among bad bosses, bad coaches, and bad 
 arness, and among a people too whose noses is all blue, 
 as I hear, with the cold there. I never expected to 
 live to see this come to pass, or the day when coaches 
 was done in England, but coaches is done for all that, 
 and here I am broken down in helth and spirits, groggy 
 in both feet, and obliged to be transported to Amerika, 
 all on account of the rails. But if I go on so fast, 
 talking of travelling in old times, I shall be apt to be 
 shying from the main object of my letter, so I must 
 clap the skid on the off wheel of my hart and go 
 gently. I shall have to shorten up my wheel rains 
 preciously to come down to terms. My eyes, what 
 would our old friend the Barynet say to my driving a 
 team without saddles and without breeching, and take 
 a steady drag of seventeen miles — with leather springs 
 and linch pins instead of patent axles and liptics — no 
 sign board, no mile stones. No Tom and Jerrys, no 
 gin and bitters, coachman and no guards. Hills and 
 dales and no levels ; no bar-maids, post-boys, nor seven 
 mile stages, and what is wus and.wus wages and no 
 tip. Oh Joe ! my hart sinks to the axle when I thinks 
 of the past, but fate drives with a heavy hand and a 
 desprate hard curb, and I shall wait with a sharp pull 
 up on my patience, till I gets your next letter, and here- 
 after sets in my place with melancholy as a passenger 
 on the box-seat for ever. I dont much like sending this 
 by the Great Western, for sieam has ruined me Joe, 
 but I 've had a copy made to go by the old coach, as 
 I calls the liner, and if she gcis the start of leaders 
 heads past westerns swingle trees, you'll get tothei one 
 fijst never fear. — I have no hart to write more at 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 1G9 
 
 present though the thorts of the ribbins do revive me 
 a bit, and when I mount the box once more I will write 
 Jou again — So no more at present from 
 
 Your old friend, 
 
 Jerry Drag. 
 
 P. S. Send me a good upper Benjamin of the old 
 cut, and a broad Sirsingle, for my lines is getting ru- 
 matiz m them, and it will draw me up a bit, for f was 
 always a good feeder, and stayin in the stall here, and 
 no walkmg exercise, am getting; clumsey. Also a 
 decent whip. I always likes to see a Jemmy whip 
 and so does bosses, for they can tell by the sound of it 
 whether a man know his business or not, as well as a 
 -christian could, and better than one half of them can. 
 1 hear blue nose whips is like schoolboys fishing-rods' 
 all wood and as stiff as the pole of a coach; I couldn't 
 handle such a thing as that, and more nor that I wont 
 for I couldn't submit to the disgrace of it. Also a flask 
 tor the side pocket, for I 'm informed them as keeps 
 mns on that road is tea-totallers, and a drop of An 
 arnt to be had for love or money. Now that gamm°on 
 wont do for me—I 'me not agoing for to freze to death 
 on the box, to please any such Esquimo Indgian Can- 
 garoos as them, and they needn't expect no such think 
 A glass of gin I must have as a thing in course, so 
 dont forget it. Direct " Royal Blue nose mail coach 
 oltice, Halifax, Never Scotia— care of Mr. Craig— 
 Letter department." ^ 
 
 m 
 
 m 
 
 15 
 
Uk''i ' 
 
 m ■' 
 
 170 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 No. XXVII. 
 
 I 
 
 LETTER 
 
 FROM THE WIFE OF A SETTLER, WHO 
 CANNOT SETTLE. 
 
 Dear Elizabeth — 
 
 My dear Simson has concluded to settle ii 
 America, and we are now on our way thither, on board 
 of the Great Western, and I must say nothing can ex- 
 ceed the delight of going to sea in a ship so splendidly 
 fitted up, and filled with such agreeable company as 
 this, the only drawback being that of sea-sickness, 
 having been more dead than alive ever since I came 
 on board. Simson, dear fellow, is full of plans and 
 rural felicity, and we clear a farm, erect our buildings 
 and grow rich every day, sometimes in one place and 
 sometimes in another, but have not yet made up our 
 minds where. Building castles in the air this way is 
 delightful, if they would only stay there when you 
 finish them. Among so many charming countries as 
 there are in America, the choice is rather difficult, as 
 your life is hardly safe in any of them. — The valley of 
 the Mississippi is said to exceed in beauty and fertility 
 most parts of the world, and we had thoughts of 
 purchasing a plantation there, but they say it is full of 
 alligators and rattlesnakes, and the people every now 
 and then burn down a town, as they recently did at 
 Mobile, on speculation, so we have given up that, al- 
 though it is a great dissappointment. — We then thought 
 of Florida, but the Seminole Indians, it seems, scalp 
 all the men, run off with the women, and murder the 
 
YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 171 
 dear little children, so I have succeeded in dissuadinir 
 him from gomg there— Texas, they say, is a perfect 
 paradise, and land so uncommonly cheap that you can 
 buy a farnn for the price of a new bonnet, but earth- 
 ?hL ?i?''® very common, and the people po very cruel 
 they kill each other with bowie-knifes in the streets in 
 open day, and so reckless that they keep singinff "wel- 
 hT^u''J^?'''F'y. ^^^'" ^^ ^^'t was fine sport? so we 
 malet^^go'^^^^^^^^ ^" '''' ^^ ''' ^' '' -"^^ ^ -- 
 The southern states we should like very much, for 
 the society is very good and very genteel, and the 
 climate excellent, only a little too hot, which causes 
 he yellow fever to rage so in summer to that degree, 
 that the white people Kave to abandon it till winter, so 
 
 ^aLa f ^" u^'u^^ ^^ '^'^ *° ^^ ^ ^^sir^ble residence, 
 added to which IS the constant alarm of insurrection of 
 
 tiom^st^'"''^' ^'"^ ^^"^"""^ ^^ ""''^^^^ ^^'' ^" ^'^°^^- 
 
 frnm^rti^h"^^^"!'' ^- ^^"/«S"lated Country, and free 
 irom all those objections, having more educated men 
 and accomplished women in it, than any other place : 
 but they all talk gibberish, and I hardly feel equal to 
 iearn ; a foreign language, now that I have this little 
 angel .j watch over and take care of, and do not like 
 to live among a people whom I do not understand. 
 Besides, I couldn't think of poor little Bob giving up 
 his English altogether, and talking nothing but Yankee 
 JUoucile. 
 
 Canada we have had a very favourable account of, 
 aJl people agreeing in saying it is a beautiful country, 
 and very eligible to settle in, but they are not only at 
 war among themselves and with their neighbours, but 
 their practices are so barbarous it does not deserve 
 the name of " a civil war " at all. A poor unfortu- 
 nate wretch of the name of « Caroline," (I didn't hear 
 her surname, but I am certain I am right in her chris- 
 tian one) was lately seized on the American shore by 
 
 ' )\ 
 
'f ^'■' 
 
 1 '2 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 a compact band from Canada, dragged out of her bcil 
 at night unrigged as they call it, and just a bare po.e 
 and carried into the micdle of the river, and set fire to, 
 and then sent over the falls in a steariboai, screech- 
 ing and screaming in the most awtul manner. 1o 
 retaliate this, those who sympathised vi^ith her suffer- 
 ings, her friends and relations came over in their turn 
 to Canada, and seized the great Sir Robert Peel, and 
 served him the same way, by making him take a fly- 
 ing jib over the rapids. His visit was cut so short, 
 they call it a " Bobstay " in derision, and to mock him 
 they said as he was a stern man, they would treat him 
 to a spanker, and cut hi n with lashings dreadfully, and 
 chasing him about, asked him how he liked running rig- 
 ging. He couldn't ha\ been many days in the country, 
 poor man, for Simson says, he is positive he saw him 
 in the House of Commons not a month before he sailed. 
 Then dear Simson is a member of the Church of Eng- 
 land, and he would have no chance there, for it is con- 
 sidered a great crime in Canada to belong to that 
 denomination, all of whom are rolled " family com- 
 pacts " on account of bringing up their children to the 
 same religion as themselves, as nothing will go down 
 there, but every individual of a family going to a dif- 
 ferent place of worship from the other. They say it 
 looks liberal. All those who take up ax-ms against 
 Government are called Patriot,?, and ail those who 
 stand up for the Queen and Pa.iin.r>ent, are called 
 every bad name you can think of. The loyal people 
 frequently get their houses burnt in the night over their 
 heads, and when the Patriots are caurrht doing it, the 
 hypocrite villains say, it is a christian duty to heap 
 coals of fire on the heads of their enemies. 
 
 Then we thought seriously of New Brunswick, but 
 that is "too near the line," they say, to live in, though 
 how a country that is so cold, can be " on the line'°l 
 don't know. It borders on the s' js, the nearest one 
 of which is Passamy-quiddy, so named irom the people 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 173 
 
 passing to each other quids of tobacco, wh.ch nasty 
 
 s^uff they eat all day. One fellow points to another 
 
 m, n ,s niouth, and say., " Quid est hoc V and the other 
 
 replies in the same Yankee lingo, "Hoc est quid," and 
 
 gives It to him The New Brunswickers who are a 
 
 very loyal people, and very civil to strangers-have 
 
 a great deal of trouble with these neighbours, who are 
 
 all mad frorn li.ing "on the line" always, and all the 
 
 people of the state are called "Mame-iacs." Last 
 
 winter five thousand of these unfortu i:e wretches 
 
 caugh: the "Line-ophobia," as it is called, and armed 
 
 hemse ves, and ran away howling and screaming into 
 
 he midst of the woods, in the month of March, though 
 
 the snow was twr "eet deep, and fancying themselvis 
 
 so diers, made a target, with the figure of our Gracious 
 
 Sovereign on it, which they took for an English army 
 
 said they had conquered the country and^ained a 
 great battle; and Webster, who is supposed^ to have 
 caught the infection, declared ancient and modern his^ 
 tory had nothing to equal this short but brilliant cam- 
 paign. ^ 
 
 The poor creatures staid out k month in the wilder- 
 ness in this horrid manner, p.nd were badly frost-bitten 
 most of them having lost a toe or a nose, or some pro- 
 minent part or another, with the intense cold. Thev 
 
 To f1 l'''/^^"J ^^u'"^ ""^ blaspheming all the vay 
 to Fredericton, for they never slept m the night, but 
 made great fires and danced the war-dancf round 
 them like InHians,-firing off, every now and then a 
 great wooden gun hooped with iron, and mak ng 
 dreadful faces at the Brunswickers, and calling them 
 bad names. One poor man took a horse with him into 
 the forest, and put some yellov; fringe on his coat 
 
 goose s feather in his hat, and took it into his head he 
 vvas a general, and carried a naked sword in his hand, 
 ^\lth which he cut and slashed away at the limbs of 
 J »j * ' 
 
 .1*1 
 
 'm 
 
 m. 
 
 
 i* 
 

 
 lit I..- 
 
 ■ \ 
 
 r.'!>, ' 
 
 
 
 S'i'^. 
 
 174 YA ^^KEE yari's and yankee letters. 
 
 trees in n most furious mann jr, thinking they were 
 British ooldiers, and swore most awful oaths — that 
 wouM make your hair stand on end — that he would 
 give diem no quarter. Then he led his men up against 
 a saw-mill, which he took for a fort, and stormed it, — 
 and as there was no one living in it, he fancied the 
 garrison had fought till they had died. Webster, in his 
 great war speech, said it was stronger than Gibraltar; 
 and compared this poor Maine-iac to Alexander, who," 
 he said, had an unsoldicr-like trick of carrying his 
 head on one side ; and to Julius Ca;sar, who got licked 
 and Bowie-knifed at last, like any other man ; and to 
 Napoleon, who lost in one day all he ever conquered ; 
 and to Wellington, who just left off fighting in time to 
 save his character. People say they hardly know 
 which was most to be pitied, Webster or General Con- 
 rad Corncob, both were so mad. The New Bruns- 
 wickers were quite alarmed for fear some of these 
 poor unfortunate creatures should escape from Passa- 
 my-quiddy, and get into the Province and bite some 
 of the inhabitants, and the " line-ophobia" should spread 
 among them. So theyirfiad to send a regiment of sol- 
 diers out to look after them, but before the troops came 
 to where they had encamped, the paroxysm had passed, 
 they had eaten up all their pork and molasses, punkin 
 pies and apple sarce, and g3t out of tobacco, and, 
 worn out with excitement, cold, hunger and fatigue, 
 had gone l"ome. 
 
 They say if all Bedlam and the other insane institu- 
 tions in England were opened and the inmates lei 
 loose, tney wouldn't number half is many as these 
 "poor Maine-iacs," and that they were in such a 
 dreadful rage and so rabid, while* the fit was on, the 
 bushes were all covered with slaver and tobacco-spit- 
 tle for miles. I never heard any thing half so horrid 
 in all my life,— and nothing would tempt me to live 
 " on the lino," if the climate operates that way on the 
 brain and makes people act as if th-^y were possessed 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 175 
 
 from "7"' '^J;^^'','? r"'"'"^ ^""^ ^"^^^^^^ a«d me 
 Irom " Line-ophobia !" It is worse than cholera mor»- j.? 
 
 ..IWK T"^ ^^'''K''^ ^^^^ ^^^^^^' ^^ich some pe.ple 
 call the happy valley, the natives are such a primitive 
 people, and blessed with every thing that can render 
 iile agreeable, and have no ta-es, and borrow English 
 regiments and men-of-war to fight for nothing f but 
 they are subject to that same disease, the "Line 
 ophobia" too. When they heard these pior wretches, 
 the Mame-iacs howling m the wilderness last winter 
 ior they could hear them quite plainly, they began to 
 foam at the mouth and to howl too-and voted an 
 army and supplies of Blue-nose potatoes and Digby 
 
 tol^\ A !'"'"'' 'u^^ ""l^ ^-^^^ '^'''' unfortunate 
 people ; and they talked so big and looked so big, the 
 
 Governor was quite alarmed about them, for they 
 
 talked of having no officers unless they were native 
 
 heroes to lead them to death or victory. So he hu! 
 
 moured thpm; he toid thcT^ they were valiant men-1 ' 
 
 everybody Knew; their zeal being only equalled by 
 
 the chance there was of its being wanted ; but that it 
 
 was not generous for so strong and brave a people as 
 
 eif l.?r nt^'^rf 'w'r' '^ ^^"^' "^ '^^ Americans would 
 eitliei die of fright, or never wait to be beaten, but flv 
 he,r country; for, like all other people of such hu"e 
 stature and strength, the Nova Scotians were not 
 aware of their own power, and that their voice was 
 loud enough to be heard across the Alleghanies on one 
 
 tnt.f'^'t" Atlantic on the other, and strike terr" 
 into all within its reach. 
 
 anJl' '5^^''' P^^'^^f ^^^"^ ^y ^'"''^^'"^ their vanity, 
 and the disease was kept off for a time, thoucrh the 
 
 very word Passa-my-quiddy sets their teath oifed^e, 
 
 and makes them gnash and grit most hideously. All this 
 
 IS very alarming, and I hear tco the coal mines everv 
 
 now and then get on fire, which is verv dangerous, * 
 
 and has a tendency to make them warm tempered, and 
 
 iieep them in hot water all the time. Newfoiiodland 
 
 I: 
 

 176 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE I,ETTERS. 
 
 has been named as a place of residence, but that smells 
 so strong of dried codfish and seal-oil, that I should 
 die in a week ; and, besides, I hear it whispered some 
 of the people eat their eggs out of wine-glasses, which 
 I never could stand I am sure — the very sight of such 
 fi nasty trick would throw me into fits as it did Captain 
 Hamilton, who, I hear, has never recovered the shock 
 his nerves received in America. Prince Edward's 
 Island has also been suggested; but there, they say, 
 the more land you have, the poorer you are ; and that 
 though the rent is only two shillings a hundred acres, 
 the tenants threaten to turn Patriots ani Durha mites 
 if it is exacted. One proprietor who came all the 
 way from England to collect his rents, only got seven 
 shillings and six pence, and a sound thrashing for his 
 trouble. 
 
 It seems to me all the wo^ld is hunting after reform, 
 which dear Simson says is a locomotive government, 
 that will go of itself, and «ost nothing, and every body 
 is their own master, and can do as they please, and 
 that majority law is the law of the strong over the 
 weak; but it is above my comprehension altogether; 
 all I know is, I will be mistress in my own house, and 
 the dear fellow makes no objection. Astoria is a fine 
 country, but it takes nine months' travel in get there, 
 and that is a serious objection, as there is but fpw 
 things in life w^orth that ; and you can carry nothujg 
 so far, and get nothing when you arrive there but the 
 fever and ague, and that I would rather be excused 
 from. Cape Bretor is also well spoken of, only you 
 are likely to be froze up in your passage there, at a 
 place called Gut of Caiso, and nothing goes up oi 
 down until Spring thaws it out. The whole f ntry 
 is covered with snow for several months, up lo your 
 hips, so that when the melancholy season comes, they 
 say, they are " hipt ;" and the people are so savage 
 they make " slaying" parties on the ice, and call this 
 barbarous cruel work> quite ? diversion. They say 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 177 
 
 the reason it is so cold is that it is so far east, it is a little 
 beyond where the sun rises: an American gentleman 
 told me so, who once w there to see it: for my part 
 I am not so fond of ice-creams as to desire to live on 
 an iceberg, like a seal, all winter, and should prefer a 
 v/armer country. Bermuda seems, after all, a delight 
 ful place, where people have almost perpetual summer,^ 
 only the roo.^3 blow off like straw-hats, and makes 
 house-keeping very difficult ; and trees fly aboi't in hur- 
 ricanes like leaves, which must scatter families dread- 
 fully, and must make separations that are so sudden 
 quite painful. The governor's name is Reid ; and he hr .i 
 seen so many storms there, he hr^^ written a book 
 about them. Dear Simson, who is very witty, says he 
 is " the Reid shaken with the wind." I wish you knew 
 dear Simson, he is full ot fun. He sayr that the new 
 theory of storms is, that instead of an " avancer," it 
 takes a " pirouette," and that the whole story of it is 
 this : 
 
 Here we go ijp up up, 
 
 And there we down down downy; 
 
 Here we go backward and forward, 
 And there we go round rocud roundy. 
 
 The West Indies is the same, only rather too hot for 
 clothes, and as flatulent as Bermuda ; besides which, 
 white servants cant live there, and black ones wont 
 work, so that you must now be slaves to yourselves, 
 for which being your own rnas ui's is no compensation. 
 Dear Simson says, emancipadc'- means making black 
 white, and white black. T! .:r^ they suflfer from crawl- 
 ing things dreadfully, hai'-g to stop their ears at night 
 with cotton wool to keep them out, as they are always 
 on the look-out for the least opening to hide in and 
 breed. Isn't it shocking i So that at present we 
 haven't made up our minds where to settle, as every 
 place has its objections to counterbalance its advan- 
 tages. 
 
 It is the same with this steamer, nothing can exceed 
 
 1 \ 
 
 f 
 
 i 
 
m 
 
 iV.lJ 
 
 U:y 
 
 pl-v 
 
 m (':-'■ 
 
 BTu 
 
 
 178 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 its splendour, its luxury, and its comfort, but you aro 
 always in a fright about blowing up, and expect to be 
 sent out of bed some time or another, without time to 
 put your clothes on, into another world. The com- 
 pany too is very genteel, having some real nobility on 
 boaid, and some imitation ones, called Honourables, 
 from the Colonies ; though the great lords are not tall 
 men at all, and the little ones from the Provinces look 
 and talk the biggest of the two. All this is very 
 pleasant, and there are so many foreigners on board, 
 it is as amusing and instructive as travelling into 
 strange countries, only you cant understand a word 
 they say, for they speak as many difterent languages 
 as they did in the tower of Babel. 
 
 _ Dear Simson is very kind and attentive to me, espe- 
 cially before company, which is very agreeable and 
 looks well; only I wish he could bear the cr' iog of 
 children a little— very little better; but at night he 
 sometimes gets out of patience, and swears he don't 
 know what they were made for, but to break one's 
 sleop, and destroy one's comfort. Take it altogether, 
 it is certainly very agreeable here, and a sort of I-pity- 
 me of the world, and amusing and instructive ; and, I 
 must say, I enjoy myself very much, and would be 
 quite happy, if it wasn't for fear dear Bob would tum- 
 ble into those horrid boilers, which would make soup 
 ■ and Bouillie of him, as dear Simson says, before you 
 could count ten. The very idea is shocking, I never 
 could taste soup since. So are our plans for emigra- 
 ting, very temping ; and the idea of being extensive 
 land-owners, and having an estate as large as the 
 Duke of Sutherland's, ail your own, with herds of 
 cattle, and sheep, and horses, and buffaloes, and all 
 sorts of things, and vineyard, and wine of your own 
 making, and wild deer that cost nothing to keep, and 
 only the trouble of catching them, and beautiful prai- 
 ries, (that's the name they give to meadows,) so large 
 that it takes you a week to ride across them ; all this ia 
 
 f?j' , -:: 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 179 
 
 tlclightfu], and makes me think myself a most fortunate 
 woman indeed, if I only knew when it was to come true, 
 or in what part of the globe, for in none of the places 
 I have mentioned, would I settle upon any considera- 
 tion in the world. Dear Simson may, if he pleases, 
 but I wont go ballooning in a hurry-cane, or be scalped 
 by Indians, or be bowie-knifed by lynchers, or frighted 
 out of my wits by maniacs, or frozen into a pillar of 
 ice, like Lot's wife was into salt, or be stifled by cod- 
 fish smells, for all the estates that ever was, or ever 
 will be. 
 
 Simson is a dear, good fellow, and I am the most 
 fortunate of my sex, and as happy as the day is long, 
 and will follow him with pleasure all the world over; 
 only, I wish he thought as I did, that England, after 
 all, IS preferable to anv of these outlandish places, if 
 people would only think so; and them that are discon- 
 tented had better leave it, if they don't like it, and not 
 try to make it like any thing else ; for the reason I pre- 
 fer and love dear old England is, because there is no 
 such place in the world, for if there were many such 
 places, then it wouldn't be England any longer. One 
 thing, however, I wish to assure you, and that is, I am 
 quite happy in the possession of dear Simson, who is 
 an angel of a man, only a little home-sick and heart- 
 sick, when I think of those I left behind, never, per- 
 haps, to see again in this world. 
 
 Ever your faithfully and tenderly attached, 
 
 Emma Simsoit. 
 
 P. S. If my next child should be born in the States, 
 will it be a Yankee, and speak that foreign language, 
 or will it be English ? I don't like to ask dear Simson, 
 for he is the most feeling man in the world, and would 
 go crazy at the very mention of another child. Poor 
 dear fellow, I love him so, I wouldn't do any thing to 
 
 ii 
 
 I 
 
 '& 
 
 )^^l< 
 
 i^ 
 
 
 

 180 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 worry him for the universe ; but some things you can't 
 help, and this, in the midst of all my happiness, makes 
 me miserable. 
 
 No. XXVIII. 
 
 
 ■'I 
 
 
 LETTER FROM THE AUTHOR. 
 
 
 Gentle Reader — 
 
 I cannot bring myself to pay so poor a compli- 
 ment to your taste, or my own performance, as to en- 
 tertain a doubt that you had no sooner taken up this 
 J3ook, than you became so interested in it, as not to lay 
 it down until you had read it through ; nor am I less 
 assured that you felt great regret that there was not 
 more of it. Understanding, toler.'bly well, the work- 
 ing of your mind, from a long study of the operations 
 of my ow;,, I venture to anticipate a very natural ques- 
 tion you will ask, as soon as you have perused it, 
 : namely, « whether the author had any other object in 
 view, in writing it, than merely the amusement of a 
 leisure hour," and hasten to gratify your curiosity, by 
 assuring you that I was most undoubtedly actuated by 
 another, and, as you will presently see, a better motive. 
 Had you had an opportunity of lifting the anony- 
 mous veil under which my diffidence finds a shelter,, 
 and circumstances had permitted me to have the hon- 
 our and pleasure of your acquaintance, during my 
 recent visit to Europe, you would have found that, al- 
 though I am one of the merriest fellows of my age, to 
 be found in any country, yet I am a great approver of 
 the old maxim, of being "merry and wise," being, 
 after my own fashion, a sort of laughing philosopher, 
 
 
RS. 
 
 ^'ou can't 
 s, makes 
 
 compli . 
 LS to en- 
 I up this 
 ot to lay 
 m I less 
 was not 
 le work- 
 derations 
 'al ques- 
 •used it, 
 )bject in 
 3nt of a 
 )sity, by 
 lated by 
 
 motive. 
 
 anony- 
 
 shelter, • 
 the hon- 
 ing my 
 that, al- 
 
 age, to 
 'over of 
 ' being, 
 )sopher, 
 
 
 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 181 
 
 and that I most indulge in that species of humour that 
 has a moral in it. *' Life in a Steamer," is fraught with 
 it, as I shall proceed to show you ; but before f point it 
 out, I must tell you a story, (more meo) for I find I grow 
 somewhat rigmarolly as I advance in years, and am 
 more and more addicted to the narrative. While making 
 the tour of Scotland, I spent a few days at Kelso, for 
 the purpose of exploring the ruins of an ancient abbey, 
 wherem are deposited the remains of the old chieftains 
 — the Slicks of Slickvillehaugh, whose name I have 
 the honour to bear. I don't mention this little ci^cun.- 
 stunce out of personal vanity, for I am too old for that ; 
 and, besides, between you and me, I see nothing in an 
 ancient Scottish descent from any rational man, to be 
 proud of. I never read of a Scot of the olden time, 
 notwithstanding all that Sir Walter has collected, or 
 written on the subjec*, without the idea suggesting itself 
 to my mind of a huge raw-boned, hard-featured un- 
 breeched savage, very poor, very proud, and very 
 hairy. Indeed, there are good authorities at variance 
 with him on this subject. .^ 
 
 A vest Prince Vortig-er had on, 
 Which from a naked Scot his grandsire won. 
 
 Now, the obvious meaning of this passage is, that 
 one of the prince's predecessors ran down one of these 
 boors in the chase, skinned him, and made a garment 
 of his hide, which he wore as a trophy of his skill and 
 valour, in the same manner that a North American 
 Indian decorates his person with the skin of the bear. 
 Tl^is, however, is merely a matter of opinion, as well 
 as a digression, and I only mention the circumstance at 
 all, to gratify my American readers, who, though staunch 
 republicans, are great admirers of old names, and are 
 all m a nearer or more remote degree, allied to the first 
 families in the peerage <^f Great Britain. While thus 
 employed in enacting the part of Old Mortality, on the 
 banks of the Tweed, I observed one morning a more 
 than usually large assemblage of the yeomanry oi the 
 16 
 
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 182 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 country, and upon enquiry, found it was the day of the 
 great corn market. Ah ! says I to myself, now I shall 
 have an opportunity of judging of the fertility of this 
 beautiful agricultural district, by seeing its accumulated 
 products ; but you may easily imagine my surprise when, 
 after having several times perambulated the market, I 
 could not find a single, solitary sack of grain. I speered 
 at the first good-natured, idle-looking fellow I saw, (I 
 like that word, speered, it is so appropriate an expres- 
 sion among the cattle-stealers of a border country, 
 where a stranger was always saluted with a spear, 
 and relieved of the care of his goods and chattels,) I 
 speered at him the question, where have the farmers 
 put their corn ? After a long pause, and a broad stare 
 of astonishment at the gross ignorance implied in the 
 query, the fellow replied, where ! why, in their pouch, 
 sure. Pouch ! the word was new to my American ear, 
 as new as an " almighty, everlastin frizzle of a fiz " 
 would have been to his. Pouch ! said I — what the 
 devil is t.iat 1 Here, said he, and putting his hand into 
 his pocket, he produced a very small parcel of beautiful 
 wheat, and added, we sell by sample, sir. The grower 
 goes to his granary, and thrusting his hand promiscu- 
 ously into the heap of corn, takes up as much as it can 
 contain, which is called a * sample ;' and this is sup- 
 posed so w^ell to represent the average quality of the 
 entire mass, that the sale of the whole lot 'is effected 
 upon the inspection of this sample. Ah ! said I, my 
 friend, and stretching out the fingers of my right hand, 
 until they represented the radii of a circle, I applied 
 the thumb to the extremity of my nose, in a horizontal 
 position, (an odd, old-fashioned custom I acquired when 
 a boy, at Slickville, whenever I had caught a valuable 
 hint,) ah ! said I, my friend — notch ! 
 
 Did you ever see the like o' that, said the puzzled 
 Scot, to himself, and wha is he ? A wrinkle on the 
 horn, said I, again applying the thumb to its old signal 
 staff, the nose, and I thank you for the hint. A wrin- 
 
ES. 
 
 ay of the 
 w I shall 
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 imulated 
 ise when, 
 narket, I 
 I speered 
 I saw, (I 
 1 expres- 
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 farmers 
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 3d in the 
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 •ican ear, 
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 what the 
 liand into 
 beautiful 
 e grower 
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 is is sup- 
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 I effected 
 id I, my 
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 I applied 
 lorizontal 
 red when 
 
 valuable 
 
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 )ld signal 
 
 A wrin- 
 
 YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 183 
 
 kle on the horn, slowly repeated my astonished com- 
 panion ; puir body, he is daft, as sure as the world. 
 No, my man, said I, not daft, but wiser. In America, 
 for you must know I come from that far-off country, 
 we ascertain the ages of our cattle by examining their 
 horns, at the root of which, at the end of three years, 
 there appears a small ring or wrinkle, aud each suc- 
 ceeding year is marked by another. This has given 
 rise to a saying when a man acquires a new idea, that 
 he has got " another wrinkle on his horn"— do vou 
 take? 
 
 Puir thing, said he, with a look of great pity, he 
 has gone clean daft— and he so far from home too ; 
 has he nae friend to see till him ? — and he turned away 
 and left me. ^ 
 
 But, gentle reader, it was he, and not I, that was 
 daft. He was a clown, and even a Scottish clown, as 
 far as I could observe, is no way superior to a clown 
 of any other country,— and he did not understand me. 
 It was a wrinkle on my horn, and I have since availed 
 myself of it. I judge of mankind by sample. One 
 hundred and ten passengers, taken indiscriminately 
 from the mass of their fellow beings, are a fair " ave'- 
 rage sample" of their species : the vessel that carries 
 them IS a little world, and life in a Steamer is a good 
 sample of life in « the great world." This little com- 
 munity is agitated by the same passions, impelled by 
 the same feelings, and actuated by the same prejudices 
 as a larger one. Poor human nature is the same every 
 where. Here are the same complaints, the same rest- 
 lessness, and the same air of perverse dissatisfaction 
 in their letters, as we meet with on land. The analogy 
 that these Atlantic trips display to the great voyage of 
 life, is very striking. We are no sooner embarked, 
 such is the speed with which we advance, than we ar- 
 rive at our point of destination. Our course is soon 
 run. It is the power of steam in both, and although 
 
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 184 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 the scene is varied, by calms, fair breezes, and storms, 
 still the great machine is in continual progress. 
 
 Of those with whom we set out in the voyage of 
 life, how few do we encounter in our subsequent wan- 
 derings ! The intimacy that common hopes and com- 
 mon dangers generate, gradually subsides, and if we 
 meet, we meet, alas ! coldly, formally, and as stran- 
 gers. Life in a Steamer is actually teeming with a 
 moral. Are you a politician? you may confirm or 
 rectify your notions by observing how essential a good, 
 effective, vigorous, business-like administration is to 
 the safety of the ship and the comfort of the passen- 
 gers. Are you a Christian 1 you will not fail to ob- 
 serve that in consequence of its being requested by 
 the Directors that every passenger should attend pub- 
 lic worship, every one does so ; from which you may 
 perceive the advantages resulting from a union of 
 church and state, — and when the whole community 
 thus meets together to unite in their supplications, you 
 cannot but see what a blessed thing it is for brethren 
 to dwell together in unity — how immeasurably supe- 
 rior this union is to dissent — and must admit that they 
 who laid the foundation of your established National 
 Church, were both wise and good men. Are you a 
 moralist ? then — but I will not pursue it. The analo- 
 gies and inferences are too obvious to render it neces- 
 sary for me to trace them ; but nevertheless, it is a 
 useful and an edifying task, and I recommend you to 
 reflect for yourself. From these remarks you will ob- 
 serve that " Life in a Steamer" is " a leaf of" the great 
 Book of the World, and may well be applied — " to 
 point a moral and adorn a tale." 
 
 So much for the general reader; and now a few 
 words at parting, to my good friends, the Nova Sco- 
 tians. I am desirous of availing myself of this op- 
 portunity to call the attention of my countrymen, the 
 "Blue-noses,' to the importance of steam, of wnich 
 they unfortunately know but little from their own ex- 
 
 n 
 
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YANKEE TARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 185 
 
 perience ; of entreating them to direct their energief 
 rather to internal improvement than political change ; 
 to the development of the resources of their beautiful, 
 fertile, and happy colony, rather than to speculative 
 theories of government ; and also to urge upon them, 
 that the " responsibility" we require, is the responsi^ 
 bility of steam. 
 
 Since the discovery of America by Columbus, no- 
 thmg has occurred of so much importance to the New 
 World, as navigating the Atlantic by steamers ; and no 
 pomt of the continent is hkely to be benefited by it m 
 - ^ an equal degree with Nova Scotia, which is the near- 
 
 est point of land to Europe and must always possess 
 the earliest inteUigence from the Old World. Which- 
 ever party is in power in England, Tories or Whigs, 
 the Government is always distinguished by the same 
 earnest desire to patronize, as it is to protect the colo- 
 nies, who have experienced nothing at the hands of 
 the English, but unexampled kindness, untiring fc rbear- 
 ance, and unbounded liberality. The recent g.^nt of 
 fifty-five thousand pounds a year, for the purj ose of 
 affording us the advantage of a communication by 
 steam with the mother country, which was t made 
 grudgingly, or boastingly, or as an experimen . Sut as 
 early as it was proper or safe for it to be done, and as 
 freely as it was kindly bestowed, leaves us in doubt 
 whether most to admire the munificence of the gift, or 
 the power and wealth of the donors. No country, 
 that is kept in a continual state of agitation, can either 
 be a happy or a flourishing one ; and it is our peculiai 
 good fortune that with us agitation is unnecessary. If 
 there should be any little changes required from time 
 to time, in our limited political sphere, (and such occa- 
 sions sometimes do, and always will occur in the pro- 
 gress of our growth,) a temperate and proper represent- 
 ation will always produce them, from the predominant 
 party of the day, whatever it may be, \i it can only be 
 demonstrated that they are wise or necessary changes 
 
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186 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 
 
 It is the inclination as well as the interest of Greai 
 Britain so to do ; and whoever holds out any doubts 
 on this subject, or proclaims the mild, conciliatory, and 
 parental sway of the imperial goverrment, «* a baneful 
 domination," is no friend to Nova Scotia, or British 
 connexion, and should be considered as either an igno- 
 rant or a designing man. Canada has become so bur- 
 thensome an appendage of the British empire, from the 
 intrigues of discontented men, that many of our friends 
 on tne other side of the water, doubt whether it is 
 worth holding at such an enormous expense. Op- 
 pressed we never have been — coerced we never will 
 be. Every thing has been done, that is either just or 
 reasonable, or liberal, for us. We always have been, 
 and still continue to be, the most favoured people in the 
 British empire. Let us show ourselves worthy of 
 such treatment, by exhibiting our gratitude, and sus- 
 tain the reputation we have hitherto borne, of being 
 the most tranquil and loyal Colony in North America. 
 Let us not be too importunate for change, or we may 
 receive the very proper, but to many, the very unex- 
 pected answer — " Govern yourselves : you appear to 
 be so difficult to please, so determined not to be satis- 
 fied, that we give up the attempt in despair. You 
 are independent" This is no improbable event — no 
 ideal danger — no idle fear. I regret to say, that such 
 a course has already numerous and powerful advo- 
 cates in England, and is daily gainmg ground even 
 among our best friends, and staunchest supporters. 
 They are wearied out with unfounded complaints, with 
 restless, unceasing cravings for change, and their own 
 repeated, but ineffectual attempts to give satisfaction. 
 They say, they see no alternative left but coercion, 
 which they will not resort to, or "cutting the tow- 
 rope," and casting us adrift. No true friend to his 
 country can contemplate such an event as a dissolu- 
 tion of British connexion, without the severest regret, 
 the deepest remorse, the most painful apprehensions. 
 
 1^ 
 
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 « Zi 
 
YANKEE YARNS AND YANFEE LETTERS. 187 
 
 The withdrawal of the army and navy from Halifax; 
 the striking of the flag of Old* England on the Citadel* 
 HilJ ; and the last parting salute of our old friends, as 
 they left our shores for ever, v^^ould be the most mourn- 
 ful spectacle, and the severest infliction, that an aveng- 
 ing Providence has in store for us. It would be a day 
 of general gloom, and universal lamentation. All men 
 of property and reputation— all persons of true British 
 feeling — every man in a situation to do so, ^ould leave 
 us ; and capital, credit and character would follow ia 
 the train. We should be inundated with needy adven- 
 
 #turers, unprincipled speculators, loafers, sympathisers, 
 and Lynchers, the refuse of America and Europe ; and 
 this once happy, too happy country would become an 
 easy prey to civil dissension, like the petty states of 
 South America, or to the rapacity of foreign adven- 
 turers like the Texans. 
 
 That such a measure of retributive justice is in store 
 for us (should the infectious agitation of Canada unhap- 
 pily reach us), no man who has visited Great Britain and 
 
 I k mingled freely and extensively with its people as I have 
 
 done, can entertain a doubt. Wherever I went and with 
 whomsoever I conversed, the opinion constantly met 
 me : " It would be better for us if we were separated 
 I ^ — you never will be contented to remain as colonists, 
 
 ^^ you are causing us a greater expenditure than we can 
 
 aflx)rd— we cannot support two Irelands — it is time to 
 give you your independence:' — This book, whatever 
 its reception may be, will at least circulate among all 
 my personal friends in England, which is the best evi- 
 dence I can give you of my conviction of the existence 
 of this feeling ; for by proclaiming it in the presence 
 of those by whom I assert that it is entertained, I af- 
 ford them an opportunity of repudiating it, if unfound- 
 ed. Let us not therefore be led astray by any of those 
 theories, however plausible and captivating they may 
 appear to be, that are now advocated with such in 
 temperate heat in Canada. Nova Scctia never was m 
 
188 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTEBS. 
 
 so flourishing a condition as it is at present. Its trade 
 is enlarging, its agriculture improving: and its popula- 
 tion increasing most rapidly, while the character of its 
 merchants for honourable and upright dealing staac^'j 
 higher than that of any other community on the whole 
 American continent. — Politics unfortunately engrosses 
 too nnuch attention every where to the exclusion of 
 many indispensable duties. Party-men are apt to mag- 
 nify its invjioxlance for their own purposes, and to ex- 
 tol it as a panacea for all the ills of life ; but experi- 
 ence teaches us that the happiness of every country 
 depends upon the character of its people, rather than 
 the form of its government. — Why j asks the philoso- 
 phical Goldsmith, after an attentive examination of 
 many of the European states, 
 
 " Why have I stray'd from pleasure and repose, 
 To seek a good each government bestows ! 
 How small of all that human hearts endure, 
 That part which laws and kings c^jn cause or cure !" 
 
 Let us keep out of the vortex of political excitement, 
 learn how to value the blessings we enjoy, and study 
 how we can best promote the internal communications 
 and develope the resources of our native land. 
 
 The time has now come when the great American 
 and colonial route of travelling must commence or 
 terminate at Halifax. On the importance of this to 
 Nova Scotia it is unnecessary for me to expatiate, 
 as it speaks for itself, in a language too plain and in- 
 telligible to be misunderstood; but these advantages 
 we can neither fully enjoy, nor long retain, without a 
 ** rail-road" from Halifax to Windsor. It is now no 
 longer a matter of doubt or of choice, circumstances 
 have forced it upon us. We owe it to the liberality 
 of the British government, to make all those arrange- 
 ments that shall give full effect to the noble scale upon 
 which they have undertaken the Atlantic steam-naviga- 
 tion. We owe it to New Brunswick and Canada to 
 *»omp!ete our portion of the great intercolonial line. 
 
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 YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. 189 
 
 and above all we owe it to ourselves not to be behind 
 every other country in appreciating and adopting those 
 great improvements, which distinguish the present aee. 
 And now, gentle reader, it is time for me to make 
 my bow as well as my sea-legs will allow me, and re- 
 tire. In doing so, permit me to express a wish that 
 your voyage of life may be the verv opposite of that 
 ot a steamer, in point of duration, and resemble ii as 
 nearly as possible in the one grand essential, namely 
 in making the best use of your time. 
 
 I have the honour to be. 
 
 Your most obedient servant, 
 
 The Authoe, 
 
 THE ENa