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w^r^,*ytMia^?'ej 5 p>e T > .wrq^^ ^ 
 
 •-^'W 
 
 1/ 
 
 ' THE ADDRESS 
 
 Of 
 
 THE HON. JOHN THORN, 
 
 TO THE 
 
 hu ani> ^tAi%\imt^ ilirfors 
 
 OF 
 
 
 SPLASHVILLE CENTRE, 
 
 AS ORIGINALLY COMPOSED AND WRITTEN, 
 
\ . 
 
 l5^v?)^^ 
 
f 
 
 THE ADDRESS 
 
 OF 
 
 THE HON. JOHN THORN. 
 
 Scene. — A stuJy, book cnses rounil the room, tin deed boxes on 
 tops of bookcases on one of which arc p;iinted the worJs •' The Splash- 
 Tille Ocean Steamship Co." on another the '' B. Seigniory" table, 
 •chairs, &o. 
 
 John Thorn seated near table, pons, ink and paper within reach, 
 jeclininj? in arm chair with fore-finger of right hand laid on the side 
 ■of his nos<3, loquitur. 
 
 My position is excessively embarrassing, I must admit that I am 
 
 puzzled. I really don't know what to do. I had hoped at one time that 
 
 ihis perpetual struggle to please all parties was drawing to a close, and 
 
 that as Governor of Owhyhee or Otaheite I should find the repose so 
 
 congenial to any ta'.te and talents, but that cup was dashed from my 
 
 lips and I was forced to solace myself with the idea that as one of the 
 
 Chief Justices of Skitzland I should enjoy the otiam cum dignStnle so 
 
 fiweet to all worn out politicians, but that vision passed away also and 
 
 I am now frightfully bothered with the realities of my position. One 
 
 party pulls me one way, the other the other. A manufacturing friend 
 
 Inveighs against Free Trade as destructive to the native industry of the 
 
 Province. A Free Trade supporter pours into njy ears a diatribe 
 
 •against protection as ruinous to tlie commerce of the country. To be, 
 
 or, not to be, is a question of quite as much importanccto nie as ever it 
 
 Avas to Hamlet. What shall I be? a Free Trader or a Protectionist, 
 
 which shall I take to my bosom ? Oh how happy could I be with 
 
 •cither, wore t'other dear charmer away. Hitherto I have managed 
 
 pretty well. I've always gone with the current trusting to the eddy 
 
 to bring me up. With the manufacturers I am in the habit of de- 
 
 |)loring the non -encouragement of native industry, with the Free 
 
 i>Mj 
 
Tratlfvs I 8i|;h over our fcltcrcJ ccniniorce. My fsynipatliy is so easily 
 excited iin J I chime in so readily with the humor of my compjinion for 
 the moment that 1 secure hosts of friends, hut it is livinj^ over a mine 
 and playing with matclies, for should I by sonte mistake open the 
 Protection side of my heart to some sturdy Free Trader or its Free 
 Trade half to some rabid Protectionist 1 should forfeit my position and 
 lose my seat. If I could but find out which u the stronger party my 
 policy would immediately become decided and I "^vould leave the.weaker 
 in the lurch, but only fancy how disgusting, should I mistake the 
 weaker for the stronger faction. 1 might be either without shocking 
 my principles, why tlicn couldn't I be both, and be all things to all 
 men. But no PU be neither, Pll be strictly neutral. PU temporize, 
 — Pll come the Louis Napoleon over theni. Pll cultivate impenetrabil- 
 ity of feature, and on all occasions, I'll declare that tiie defence of the 
 Province should engross the entire attention of its public men, and 
 that only by the volunteers can the hearths and homos of Skitzland be 
 defended from the attacks of the restless Celt. — But to my task. 
 
 (Draws his chair to the table, seizes a pen, dips it in the iiik,. 
 arranges a half quire of paper before him and writes) — 
 
 Fellow countrymen (wouldn't patres conscripti do better? — no— 
 I think not) I come before you again to solicit your suffrages. Confi- 
 dent that my conduct in the past affords the best guarantee for my 
 behavior in the future, 1 need refer, but to a few of the oases which' 
 mark the- desert of my political career to demonstrate that no one in- 
 bkitland. is better qualified, either by nature or art, than I, to represent 
 in Parlisjjueiit the magnificent, illustrious, and ever progressing city of 
 Splashyille. .. 
 
 • Fellow citizens, (a<t(7e,that wil 1 take wich the Americans,it breathes a 
 spirit of equality, and smacks moreover of that youthful indiscretion of 
 mine, the annexation manifesto), you all know that to the utmost of 
 my ability! have on every occasion aided and assisted my constituents 
 to advance their own interests even at the expense of the Province, 
 I refer you to the owners of the J'plashville line of Ocean Steamships 
 for further informateon on that subject. My financial ability i» 
 proved by the facility with which I as Com. of Public Works disbursed 
 the money of the Province in finishing the Parliament buildings at 
 Ottawa. I may say with perfect justice of that splendid specimen of 
 
It 
 
 is so easily 
 lunion for 
 p'er a iiiine 
 ! open the 
 r its Free 
 sition and 
 party my 
 lie.weaker 
 istake the 
 
 shocking 
 gs to all 
 eiuporize, 
 cnetrabil- 
 icc of the 
 iiicn, and 
 tjsland be 
 ask. 
 
 the ink, 
 
 ? — no — 
 . Confi- 
 3e for my 
 3es which 
 [)o one in- 
 represent 
 ig city of 
 
 rcathes a 
 ;retion of 
 itmost of 
 stituenta 
 Province. 
 eamsbip» 
 ibiiity i& 
 lisbursed 
 Idings at 
 cimen of 
 
 Provincial opcnharulcilncss and niagnaniinity " fpiormn pars magna 
 fin." (A.'.i(l<; a little Latii. goes down admirably with a mercantile 
 audicncc,no one understaiit s it,but every fellow interprets it exactly to 
 suit the current of hi.i own ideas). My martial ability is demonstrated 
 in my speeches on the Volunteer systt-m, and my patriotism was 
 shown during an extended term ol' service with my regiment on the 
 Frontier during the recent Fenian invasion. In the arts of peace I 
 have shone preeminent, my hos|iitajity has been unbounded, never for 
 the last eight years has a stranuer superior in rank to an esquire and- 
 with an income exceeding £1000 a year visited Splashville without 
 gracing my portals with his presence. In your name and as youi re- 
 presentative have I welcomed them, as your deputy have 1 feted tljcm 
 no sordid self interest no paltry vanity prompted my actions, I believed 
 "that it was my duty so to do and 1 acted up to my belief. 
 
 It may so happen that many who in my obscurer days were frc. 
 quently my guests have observed that of late years they have not had 
 the same opportunities as of old of becoming acquainted with the 
 merits of my chef de cuisine and the flavor of my clare'. TemjMra 
 mvUmtur, my dear friends et uos mutamur in ilUs. There is a vast 
 difference between plain John Thorn, the youthful b'cotch barrister 
 and the lion. John Thorn, Ex-i?olicitor General, I'rov. Jccretary, 
 Com. of Public Works, expectant Colonial Governor and Chief Jus- 
 tice, the friend of uoble Dukes, the confidant of Royal Princes. Sta- 
 tion has its duties or as our French brethren elegantly express it 
 noblesse s^ohlige. Surely you cannot object to any conforminj> to the 
 usages of the society into which you have elevated me. I am not to 
 blame therefore for not asking my old friend client and supporter B. 
 to meet my new friend Lord,A. at dinner for though B. is sf. mo^t estim- 
 able member of society, a good friend, an honest man, and a sincere 
 Christian, the lustre of his virtues 'i dimmed by the fact that Ije com- 
 menced life agriculturally and a few of tlie charming simidipities of 
 rustic existence might possibly make their appearance at taJble. None of 
 you can blame me for this deMcacy of sentiment, I feel immensely the 
 loss which I sustain by depriving myself of the advantage ef B's-pre- 
 seuce,but alas 1 society has its laws which no one can infringe with.jm- 
 punity. I know that I am addressing sensible mcn^ho will make al- 
 lowances for the change in my circumstances apd \}'ho will exteij,d 
 
their ci)iiipat<Mion to on<i who for nv.my years p;nt has buoii forced by 
 their choice of hiiii n8 their rcprcsentutivo to Jo violence to the best 
 feeling)) of his nature and to liiiie boneath the joyous musk of u smiling 
 face the anfruish of a breaking heart. 
 
 If amongst you there can be founJ one mm competent to represent 
 Splasliville Centre, tit to stand in my shoes, I will retire into private 
 life, thereto recruit my health shattered in your service, there to build 
 up my practice ruined by my election, and there to regain a portion 
 of that sweet innc cence which wns the most engaging feature about me 
 ere in accordance with your wishes I endured the blighting baptism 
 of political life. i •; • ^ 
 
 , (Atule. — Now I have arrived at the difficult stage, of course it will 
 be expected that I should give an idea of my future course, that I 
 should declare as they call them my principles ; now I am not an un" 
 principled ftllow, but I rcijlly have no principles at all. I 
 have been almost everything in my time, loyalist, annexitionist, con- 
 federationist, protectionist and free trader, and I feel within mo a 
 capacity for being half a dozen things more, but with my constitution 
 it really is an emburrus de rickesse, but why should I pin my faith on 
 the rkirtofany principle when all principles are alike to me. 
 
 ^. Gorilla is the only man of our party who has nrinciples and devilish 
 unpleasant ones they are too. I spoke to him civilly about that col- 
 lectorship, and he told me to go to the devil and mind my own business, 
 of course as he is the leader of our party I pocketed tho affront, but 
 I put it to any sensible man if that's the way the member for Splash- 
 Tille Centre, the most important Anglo Saxon constituency in Skitz- 
 4and Kast, should bo treated ; [ can't afford to quarrel with him either 
 and I verily believe that if he were to turn round and pull the noses 
 of every Anglo Saxon Blue in the house, we'd submit quietly and 
 
 .look upon it as a little harmless bit of eccentricity on his part. By Jove, 
 ;he's Lord Paramount here, and there isn't one of us with pluck enough 
 to face the little beggar ; but revenona a nos moutomt, — sits down and 
 and commences to write again.) 
 
 • My principles gentlemen, are the same as those which animate the 
 niajority of the electors of this splendid constituency {aside, cau the 
 majority tind fault with that declaration, as for the minority what care I 
 for them.) Do you doubt, examine into the strength of your respeo- 
 
 f 
 
 \ 
 
 
1 forced by 
 o tho best 
 t' u smiling 
 
 represent 
 
 1 to private 
 ^re to build 
 
 a portion 
 about me 
 ig baptism 
 
 Lirso it will 
 irse, that I 
 not an un" 
 it all. T 
 onist, con- 
 ithin mo a 
 3nstitution 
 y faith on 
 
 tive parties, whichever is (he more powerful be it Protectionist or 
 Free Trade, to that party I ,.-ni assure you I with my whole soul and 
 strength belong, you will pardon me for n t being more explicit, but I 
 am desirous that the party to which from my youth up I have adher- 
 ed should immediately take meahures to know its own strength as 
 weii us the weakness of its adversary. Once more, then, my friends 
 once more into the breach, or fill the ditch up with our 8plashvill' 
 dead. Remember that in electing me you have a man in utrumque 
 paratut (a$ide, that is ready to take anything he can get) who has 
 always maintained the honor of his constituency, has worked for the 
 interests of his constituents and who has to give the truest idea of 
 his versatility of intellect and immutability of character, spoken for 
 three hours wisely and well in favor of Protection and ended by 
 votiag dead against it. 
 
 I am, See., 
 
 JOHN THORN. 
 
 id devilish 
 ,t that col- 
 n business, 
 ffront, but 
 or Splftsh- 
 / in Skitz- 
 lim either 
 the noses 
 lietly and 
 By Jove, 
 ck enough 
 down and 
 
 limate the 
 , can the 
 rhat care I 
 ur respeo- 
 
'•'•l^mr'f'mnm 
 
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