IMAGE EVALUATrON TEST TARGET (MT-3) r/. / /(^^ Hiotographic Sdences Corporation 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, NY. USSO (716) 873-4503 \ 4 '^ <> 6^ I/. . 35 37 38 41 43 46 A \ \ Contents, All for r^ifty Cents, 49 A Great Sclienic, 51 Household Hints, 53 Tappin.cfs — Jnst Tapped, - - 55 Etcetera, ^57 I 49 51 53 55 57 THE TAIJiOr A CAT. ''pi Il'LRK is an old ^eiitlcnian, living in a certain town in America, 1 who is bonnd to i^ratily his ten-year-old son's every wish, e\c'n if he 'the father; has to suffer, as he always does, after afore- mentioned gratification. Well, the (jther e\ening, the boy, with tears in his eyes and a defunct rat in his hi})-i)ocket, went to his jxiternal relative, and besought him to be generous to the extent of fifty cents. " P'or what purpose," says the old man, who, by the way, Noali!' a great deal of Webster, " for what purpose is the financial loan required ? " " W^ell, Bill Jones, he's got er cat wot's N. G., an' I want ter have a leetle racket with it, but Hill says he must have fifty cents, cos the circuss is com in' next week." At first the benevolent father demurred, but when the son put on a David's-lament-for- Absalom look, his kind heart was melted and the bo}- ijereaved him of the fifty cents. The boy started off for Hill and met him halfway. " Hello, Jim ! " ( our hero ), says young Jon did he bleed ? " "Well, I should groan to annihilate. cere's yer cat? Bring forth the cat that starved to death in the liouse that Jones hasn't paid for yet." The cat was procured and the promising youths were devising some means of rendering it i)ermanently unconscious, when a butcher's boy went by with a link of sausage. The poor animal cast one look at its linked ancestors and, with one paw felbie for her heart, she yielded up the ghost. As dusk was coming on (as usuab, the boys took uj) the deceased carefully and carried it to the house of Mr. Hazell^ridge, the father of our hero. Jim stole up stairs to see if the coast was clear ; then he stole a ball of twine. This they carefully adjusted around the neck of the animal, which they carried to a room directly over the old gent's sleejjing apart- CO A i i re 2 The Talc of a Cat. nicni. I 111 111 t'd lately over the head of the bed wr.s an unused stove- pipe Iiolc, and this was to be the scene of the niijht's operations. After tea tiie embryo stati'smen phiced themselves at this hole and waited {ox the hour of Mr. Hazelbrid^e's retiring. They did \mA have to wait long, as Jim's father was, on the main, a pretty good sort of a fellow and went to bed early. When the old folks had got fiirly to sleej), the boys started to lower the cat down the hole, but at the critical moment young Jones snoze a large sneeze which woke Mrs. Ilazelbridge. "John! John!" she cried, "Wake up! Get up! Murder! Fire! Hel]) ! " " What in h , that is — what is the matter with you ? " said the old man, — "Do you pass?" But one more dig in the ribs brought him down to this world's affairs, and he remarked, " Mrs. Hazelbridge, what causes you to thus disturb the slumbers of your most faithful better-half in such an unseemly manner? " " The house is full of burglars, John. What will we do ? We'll all be killed. Oh, my ! Oh, my ! " " Madam, if you don't choose to cheese it, there'll be trouble. Hear me ? Now go to sleep." " I can't, I can't," howled the old lady, in a voice tremulous with terror and bed-tick feathers. " If there are any burglars here I'll stop their burgle," valiantly cried Mr. Hazelbridge, as he arose, trembling in every leg, and seizing an Indian club started out. He stood tremulously in the hall for five minutes, and then came back and said he had made a tour of the house, but could not find the burglars. So once again they composed themselves for sleep. Mrs. Hazelbridge had just got asleep and the old gentleman was about half -in-half , when that cat was lovered down and its narrative smote the patient and long-suffering father between the lips, which were open at the time. As soon as the late lamented struck him he arose unani- mously to a sitting posture. " Don't shoot now, Mr. Burglar, please don't, and I'll tell where I keep my bullion when I have any. The top drawer of the bureau is unlocked. Take it out and put your hand down into the next one, and you'll find my pocket-book." I 4 The Talc of a C 'a/. 5 1 unused stove- 's operations, 'es at this hole ng-. They did main, a pretty in the old folks e cat down the ; a large sneeze up! Murder! ith you ? " said dig in the ribs marked, " Mrs. be slumbers of manner? " it will we do? re'U be trouble. oice tremulous rgle," valiantly every leg, and nulously in the d he had made lars. So once Hazelbridge ut ha/f -171- half, lote the patient ere open at the e arose unani- I "I say," said Jim to Hill, " tiiat's an awful give-away. Had will find some day that the Tewkesbury game has been played on that drawer." (ietting no response, the now thoroughlv exasperated genlle- man opened his mouth to call his son Jim, when deceased's tail commenced to e.\plore his prodigious mouth. "Ouch! C)w ! Ah! Boo!" spluttered he, and giving a grai) he caught the misguided, but innocent, cat by the head and hung on like an office-holder. Mrs. Hazelbridge, who had awakened by this time, .struck a light, and then, but not till then, did develoj)- ments take place. Casting his eye upward, Mr. Hazelbridge noticed a piece of string pendant from the stove-pipe hole, and he heard a whisper, " The meeting's adjourned. Let's scat." And they scote. " Mrs. Joim Hazelbridge, to-morrow's rising of the sun will be followed by the rising of both father and son, and there will be a sound of revelry. Let's finish retiring." *^^ ^M ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ «^ ^^ ^^ ^K #1% ^^ ^^ r^ 0^ ^^ ^^ ^% The scene is changed. A week has passed since the .wA -har- rowing events of the preceding narrative. A small youth wearily wends his way along a dusty road, with both hands Ix'low rear suspender buttons, on his heart. He meets the school-master. " Well, James, why is it that you have absented yourself for a week ? " " I have not been very well, sir, and Pa thought I had better not go to school till the chairs got cushioned." " Why, that's strange, James, what were you sick from ? " Concussion of an iron hoop, below the coat, (iood day, sir. I'll be to school in a year or two." d I'll tell where drawer of the d down into the (^ ■I 5 •' I 5 : f if it I f ] ^ t'l A USEFUL MACHIN1-. "VTESTERDAY morning 1 was sitting in a comfortable position 1 and a hand -painted cliair, reading- tlie theolooical works of Bill Nye, when my solitude was disturbed by a violent pull at the door-bell. I jumped up and ran down stairs, upsetting-, in my haste, a painting of a steam-tug, done in kerosene by Russellini, one of the very New Masters. At the door I met a large wahmt box standing in front of a small man attired in pale pants. Of course he had other raiment on, but it was not so noticeable as the divided skirt. The man seemed n-'.. Uy anxious to ascertain how I did, I pleasantly told him t r ^ fl d about as the majority usually do. and asked him hov\ vva ■ th himself. In reply, he said he had a machine with hi' . " was bound to revolutionize the world. I told him, confidentially, that I was not disposed to be re\(jlution- ized — not much, at present. The 40-H.-P. Electric Dictionary then proceeded to expound the merits of the contrivance which, he said, was an improved burglar-alarm. Upon receiving this information, I looked him sarcasdcally in the eye — the other one was out — for about 2 -J-'i minutes. I expected to see him cpiail. Hut nary a (juole. Agents seldom (j[ueel. I told the pirate that I was not a jjurglar. He smiled for about 6J2 inches, and then said that he knew by the shape of my head and left eye that I was an honest individual. "Thank you," said I. " What is the price of the anti-Major Wasson ? " A sfea/ glitter spread over the majority of his countenance, but was checked by his celluloid collar. He said we would come tt) //la^ by-and-bye, but I put my hand into my pocket and observed that I guessed not, or words to that effect. The bandit opened the box while I stepjied back a few — just a little. Inside the box was a collection of cog-wheels, screw.s, idiosyncracies and turbines. Upon one side, near the top, was a (4) A Useful Machine. s ■.V- ■ U irtal)le [)Ositi<)n o-ical works ot ileiit: pull at the ).-,ettins4', in my ; bv Russdlini, : a large walnut pale pants. Of oticeable as the ain how 1 did. irity usually do, , he said he had ze the world. I ) be revolution - led to expound is an improved I looked him for about 2 -j-'i- nary a quole. not a burglar. it he knew by nest individual. the anti- Major luntenance, but would comt; to jt and observed zk a few — just wheels, screws, the top, was a •I large gong, while upon the front was a dial with a moving hand. Around the circle ui)on the dial were the words " sitting-room, dairy, parlor, hall, kitchen, and bed-room." (" Boutloir " would havel)een much more delicate.) The inventor then took from his ])()cket a large, ball of fme, homo'fMjathic cord, which he attached to one of six hooks that were at the back of the kaleidoscope (.Scandinavian for burglar-alarm). Under each hook was a word corresponding to one of the names on the dial-plate. When the corsair had got the line aftixed, he took a key and wound the thief-alleviator up. He then explained that a cord was to be fastened to each of the hooks and carried along the wall by means of small staj)les and fastened to the window in the room whose name a[)})eared under the hook. " After everything is in readiness," he observed, " you j)ull out the tooth-pick " — suiting the action to the word — " raise the habeas corpus level with the exhaust i)ipe, reverse the melodeon see that the tenderfoot is flush with tlie bunko-steerer, and, if the cholera morbus is above the starting-bar, bring it down against the lioot-jack. shove the bella-donna till it touches the mouth-organ, and then go to bed." I said, " Ves, sir." He then gave the cord a pull, but all was as still as a dead mother-in-law. Shoving the eccentric against the curry-comb, he made another attemj)t, but nothing more. " Ah ! I see the difficulty," remarked Harabbas, proceetling to connect the hook with tin? lumbago, and the latter with the gong. This time he was successful. The gong rattled in a man- ner similar to the world-renowned blazes. The inventor shoved the anti-lat back and the din ceased, while the hand on the dial was found pointing to the word " Dairy." " What is the ' alarm ' worth, that is, what do you ask for it? " I inciuired. " Only tweniv-ti\e dollars," re])lied Kidd. " Twentv-five Toi)iiets! "' I yelled. " What do you take nie for — an Astorbilt, eh ? I'll knock vou from Alpha to Beersheba. Why, when I was in St, John, N. B., a night or two ago, 1 had to !: ;|: if. Patri(jue and Priscilla were married that same day by Rev. Joseph C^)ok. John L. Sullivan attended the nu])tials and, after th.e ceremony, boarded the " Mying ^'ankee " tor the Hub. FINIS, THE END. ■*4u^f" FOniC L1C1:NSE VERSUS A CLUB. ff t 'I i! s I HE smole sweetly when I went to the door in answer to his 7x9 ring at the bell. Under his left arm was a large roll of manuscript. There was confidence in his eye and tobacco ' ^ his mouth as he shook my shapely hand. I asked him, in my jll- known silvery tones, if there was anything I could do for him. In reply, he said he had some original poetry that he was retailing for 25 cts. per lb., and wished to know if I did not want to pur- chase some. After seating him in the parlor, I went upstairs and brought down a 6 lb. Indian club, which I left outside the door so that I could put my hand upon it when necessary. The mur- derer then drew a paper from the roll and read as follows • " Mary had a little lamb, Whence all bui iiini had fled ; Not a soldier discharged his farewell shot, For the colonel had gone to bed." I moved my chair a little nearer the Ind'an club and told him to proceed, — only suggesting that his next effort be more original, and not have so many Shakesperean quotations. He proceeded some more : " Tell me not in mournful numbers, Life is but an empty dream ; Life's a stern reality, Wlien you pay foi your girl's ice-cream." I spit on my hands and asked Tennyson II. how much more of the sublime stuff was to follow. He said that he had over fifty poems, but would only read the choicest ones to me. I gave him my heartfelt thanks, telephoned for the undertaker, and then told him to relieve himself of some more anguish. Shifting his cud ol tobacco to his other cheek, he " sailed in." " INIid pleasures and palaces, Where e'er I may roam. We'll all get bliud drunk When johnny comes marcliing home," (10) n 1 < ' ii I Poetic License versus a Club. 1 1 \ CLUB. answer to his 7x9 as a large roll of and tobacco '■' his I him, in my -11- could do for him. lat he was retailing i not want to pur- [ went upstairs and t outside the door essary. The mur- 1 as follows • shot, club and told him rt be more original, ns. He proceeded ream. I. how much more at he had over fifty o me. I gave him aker, and then told Shifting his cud \ He was about to start on another verse, when he was inter- rupted by a ring at the bell. It was only the undertaker with his tape-line. The poet stood up till Cofhn, the undertaker, had taken his dimensions, I then gave my parting instructions to Coffin : — " Make the box big enough to lake in tlie ' poetry,' too, and put double the allowance of screws in the cover so as to be secure." I now brought the club in and requested the poet lariat to vocal- ize a little more. He observed : "The shades of night were falling fast, — As they had fallen Wednesday last, — As through St. John city there went, With intensity, a Fredericton gent." me. i There were three more verses to this " pome," but unfortunately I — or, rather, fortunately, — the gentleman dro])ped the manuscript, I and my pet dog got hold of it. Instructing the hired man to bury * the dog behind the barn, I told Milton that the next piece was positively his last appearance anywhere, and that tickets should be bought in advance so as to avoid the crowd. He offered up a touching — but not striking — prayer, and went on as follows : " An apostrophe to the St. John Memorial Drink ing- Fon )i tain ^ " Oh ! solemn, giddy, entrancing fount! Thou standest idly ferninst the Court House, Like Washington's monument at Waterloo. Who built thee thus, to wrestle With the King Square band stand For supremacy and loftier power In architectural beauty ? Who planned thee thus, that you should be Not an v)bjeot of admiration, — not much. Few beauties are thine " Slap ! ! Bang ! ! Crash ! ! Crush ! Craish ! Crccsh ! 1« * * * * 5K * The largest funeral that Tapville ever beheld, transpired yes- terday afternoon. It is believed that fully sixteen pers(jns were m Tl I ii . ! ; I' I li ( 1 ! I l\ II ^ 12 77^6" Fcslive Bycicle. upon the streets when the cortege passed. Tlie hne of march, as given by the Gazette, as follows : Mr. Casey Tai)'s Maltese Morse. THK ]K)i>v {in three baskets). Mr. Casey Ta}) [on/oof ). Mr. Tap's (lo.u " r.runo." The Tapville Militia izeit/i his hat off). Mr. Tap's dogs " Carlo" and " I'ick-'em-up." THK RKST or 1 1 11-: ]5()I)V. Refrigerator {contain ing a feie poeins^ Mr. Casey Tap's dog "Jack." Coffin, the undertaker, wants nie to j)ay for the coffin he made, but which we had no use foi, but I told him I would see him more subsequently. Till: FliSTlVIi BICYCIJ'. THERE is a young- friend of mine from New York stopping at our house, who n'as the possessor of a deadly bicycle. I had watched him ride the affair so often that I began to wonder why I had never, myself, attempted it. Accordingly, the other day, after the owner thereof had gone for a walk and half-a-dozen bananas, I went out to the barn and " borrowed " the nickel-plated steed. I hauled it to the farther end of the yard (which was slightly elevated at this point), and then looked around for a stej)-ladder. As I could not fmd one, 1 concluded to lean die machine against the house and then climb up (jn the spokes. I clomb. The bicycle dumb. We then both claml). The scene thiit follows " beggars descrii)tion." It was awful to behold, though t.vo small boys across the street did not seem to bi P' g' bi oi til d( ac The festive Bicycle, U rhe line of march, as )rse. s). uif off). k-'eni-up." poems.) k." )r the coffin he made, lim 1 woukl see him CLE. *4e\v York stopping at k'adly bicycle. I had began to wonder why lingly, the other day, lalk and half-a-dozen ved " the nickel-plated ;ii-d (which was slightly lund for a step -ladder, in the machine against )tion." !t was awful to street dul not seem to be muchly overcome with horror, not to any great extent. It is a most lamentable fact, and fiJly illustrates the depravity of human nature, that those boys seemed to be greatly amused at something. If I recollect riglit. I smote the ground hrst. The bicycle then reached (ner and caught me by the bottom of my pants and hung on, while the rest of it proceeded to travel over my lively carcass. The free carnival went on thu?ly for about two minutes, when I managed to get clear of the foe. I went into the house and put on thirteen porous plasters, and made another attempt. I wws a tritle more successful this time, and managed to get up on the machine. Putting both of my delicate feet upon the treadle>, I gritted my hair, and " shoved oft " from the liouse. Possibly I shoved a little too hard. The front wheel swung around and took one good look at me, and then c(jmmenced to stagger a few. I then got oft*. The l)icycle came oft" with me. We had it Gneco-Roman style for about three minutes and five and three-quarter yards. The small boys had, by this time, c(jme into the yard, and now remarked simul- taneously, " \l\ yi ! Hi, yi ! " I reached for my revolver, hut, in d(Mng so, left my countenance unprotected, and my achersary sent a left handle into my mouth. I rcj)eated a few quotations from the New Testament (Revised Edition), and made a frightful lungt at the bicycle with une of my afore-mentioned delicate feet. That blow hatl good eft'ect. In fact, it knocked the machine out ■ — of shape. I l)elieve I only bent forty-three steel spokes of the front wheel. I would dearly have loved to have bent forty -four spokes, but forty-three and the hub were all my foot could cover, contem- poraneously. I went into the house, took a dose of o}sters, and got my silver-embossed crutches which I had bought the time the _|)urglar-alarm agent was destroyed on my i)remises. I next went '%ut and, tying a chain and muzzle to the bicycle remnants, towed |hem into the barn, and i)ut five joints of old stove-pipe on the %edris, to make the smart Aleck from New York think it was an accident. He rauK- in shortly, and said he guessed he'd take a spin. I told him 1 failed to .see what pleasure there could be in it. ' !''i f !; n < t ! ; ii ! i i ! H Dux. with the thermometer at ninety above par. I joined him and was greatly astounded to see that his bicycle was sadly demolished. These sudden shocks have a deleterious effect upon the nervous system. "Just to think of it!" he said. "That affair cost mi just $1 15 only a fortnight ago." I observed that it was a con( A shame, and then went int^ the house and got a hammer and cold chisel and succeeded in getting my features to Itjok a little more natural than they did. I will take an emetic to-night and try to recover my teeth. Ad valoruvi i^o braiigh de plume y — Iliad. DUX. tw b> re> m( bei for Th Til bel Th thii ari^ hat tok lea( as J ma JACK and I have just returned from a duck-shooting (?)hai imbroglio. Jack is a young friend of mine from New York.dift spending his vacation with me. He is a midshipman in a N. Y.As grocery. Jack had brought his gun with him, and, as he did notver wish to beard the ferocious duck in its den, alone, he requested bee the pleasure of my company. I borrowed a gun from a friend of mine. The friend was away when I borrowed it; he was in was Chicago, under medical treatment for an in-growing kidney. -on We packed a basket full of sustenance, chiefly canned meatask and deviled doughnuts. A canoe was hired, and we started offsnt for the unhappy hunting-grounds, full of enthusiasm and butter- 50u milk. We covered the distance, seven miles, in the incredibly -hi short space of fifteen hours. During the trip I sang several ol?sc( John Wesley's hymns in a voice full of pathos and malaria. We^tta reached our destination at about seven o'clock at night, and pro-'po ceeded to pitch our tent. After this had been accomplished, Iroi built a cam})-nre, and then both of us sat around it telling ghostmd stories, so thot we would be able to sleep after we " turned in." ' A^ Dux. 15 I joined him and was At eleven o'clock wu \vra|)j)t'd ourselves up in seclusion and was sadly demolished, two blankets, and retired. Shortly after midnight 1 was awakened effect upon the nervous by (juite an unearthly sound near the " dcjor " of our tent. It " That affair cost uk resembled the hlin^- of a saw, harmoniously blended with the melody of a coffee-mill, with some operatic music sandwiched in uTie, and then went into between. Of course I was not in the least alarmed. My reason hisel and succeeded in for waking Jack was, that I supposed he would enjoy it too. itural than they did. I There was silence for a few moments, only a few, hr.Wevcr. Dver my teeth. Then the sound was repeated, only clearer, nearer, deadlier than ad. before. "To arms! To arms! 'tis a grizzly's openini;- roar!" That's what Jack said. I candidly informed him that 1 didn't think so, and, perhaps, we had better go to sleep. Hut Jack had arisen and lit the lantern. Then we saw that our old hair trunk had turned white at the grand, gloomy and i)eculiar noise. Jack told me that he would bring up the rear with his gun, if I would lead with the lantern. But I suggested that we should vice vcrsa^ as I was a cajjital shot with a gun. We finally compromised the matter by sticking the gun out in front of us, with the lantern 1 a duck-shooting (?i hanging from it, and walked out hand-in-hand. I am naturally mine from New York, diffident and bashful. That is why Jack had to i)ull me along, midshipman in a N. Y. As we got farther away fnjm the tent. Jack seemed to be getting him and, as he did noivery diffident and bashful. I do not think he was frightened, en, alone, he requested because, when I hinted at it, he appeared to be quite indignant. 1 a gun from a friend c)l We were just going to proceed when the liver-splitting sound arrowed it; he was in was repeated right at our feet. Jack's diffidence seemed to over- in-growing kidney. ::ome him, and he beat quite a hasty retreat. I ran after him to :e chiefly canned meatisk him for the lantern, but I did not overtake him, for he had lired and we started oif-ntered the tent. To our horror, that is to Jack's horror, the enthusiasm and butter- 50und appeared to be following us. As the evening was rather miles in the incredibly -hilly, we crawled under the blankets. We had hardly got ^ trip I sang several ot?sconced when a large Newfoundland dog, with a steel trap ithos and malaria. We^ttached to his fore-paw, entered the tent. This, then, was the "lock at night, and pro-'Pook which had so frightened u — I mean Jack. Jack arose d been accomplished, from the bunk with his indignation uj), and his suspenders down, around it telling ghostind released the poor dog. The dog's name is " Tiger," alias after we " turned in." ' Manny," and is owned, and partly controlled, by John Seagulls, I I M !! Si f f!^ 1! i hi i6 Dux. jr., of Tapvilk'. It was two o'clock before wc j^ot "to l)C'd ' ai^-ain. Wc blew the lantern out toj^ether and made a wild break for the bed. Jack i.s quite a /miner. Jack woke me up at .six o'clock, and wc hatl breakfast and headache. After breakfast we sallied forth. We took the four footed mhost with us. We had paddled al)out a mile up the creek when Jack, who was in the bow, discerned some game ahead o! us. I looked, and, sure enough, there were two ducks ahead ol us, about lifty yards. Carefully loading our guns, we paddled silently to the birds and opened ftre. This fu'st volley seemed t^ shake the game up pretty bad, but diey did not tly. We re loaded and again fired. We could see by the way the duck.'- knocked about that our aim had been good ; but we failed to com- prehend why they tarried in the water. Wc dropped the gun> and started for the game. We had hardly taken lialf-a-dozeii strokes of the i)addle when we heard a hysterical giggle from tin shore — in fact, several hysterical giggles. The giggler com menced ])u]ling a string, and the "game" started for the short Plying our paddles with increased vigor, we overtook them, an< taking the strin^ off, put them into our canoe. At present I an the owner of two handsome decoy ducks, well calculated to de ceive. The giggler turned out to be Jack Seagulls, who had pre ceded us by several days, ami had pitched his tent near our> which explained our ghostly experience of the previous night. 1 that young man continues his practical jokes, the wholesale grocer; and commission business will be minus a promising clerk. JacI S. informed us that we had struck a j)Oor spot for game, and sug gested that we go farther up the creek ; but, as my time wa- limited, I could not consent. Finally, we induced him to joir with us, and we concluded to linger till next day, though on stock of fricasseed sardines was rather unfrequent. We hitchii our canoe, which was the smaller, to the stern of Jack S.'s, am the three of us got into the large craft and started for our camp On our way, we found a barn-yard. We ran ashore and offers the proprietor $1.50 for a shot apiece at the ducks. He took oiii good look at John {i.e., Mr. Seagulls), and then handed us $i.(x PltX. 17 )R' Wf ^^ot " to l)e(l 11(1 made a wild break \vc had hreakfasl and h. We took the four )Ut a mile uj) the creek I some game ahead ol re two ducks ahead ol our guns, we paddled lirst volley seemed t() did not tly. We re by the way the duck^ I ; but we failed to coni- We droi)i)e(l the gun^ dly taken half-a-dozen sterical giggle from tin The giggler com started for the shore we overtook diem, am :anoe. At present I an 5, well calculated to de Seagulls, who had pre led his tent near our> f the previous night. 1 ss, the wholesale grocer^ promising clerk. Jaci spot for game, and sug ; but, as my time wa^ ,'e induced him to joir 1 next day, though 011: nfrequent. We hitchc < ; stern of Jack S.'s, am id started for our cami' ran ashore and offerct he ducks. He took om nd then handed us $i.tx back and told us to bla/e away. 1 fired thst, and shattered the youthful ho])cs and ambitions (»t an oysti-r can. |<)hn struck a saw-luM'se, which was to tlie right of where he stood. Jack had a double baireled gun and thed both barrels, thereby slaying two ducks. We then left. Jack gave me one of the ducks to show artjund Tapxille as tiie result of my unerring aim. it was dark wiun we reached camp, so we concluded to lunch and tiien retire, as we intended to start al 0.30 sharp next morning. Well, to lengthen a short story, we started off on our homeward trip the next day, which was this morning, and arrived about 45 minutes ago. I have been indulging in " Marsh's Plucky"' ever since, and ha\e managed to make myself presentable to the future Mrs. Tap. ICxcuse these weeps! Jack leaves for New York in two days ! ! Notice of funeral hereafter. PARABIJ: OF THIi CAT. N( )W there was a certain young man, which was called Casey Tap. And the .same had no love for the operatic cat. And it came to pass that the young man, even Casey Tap, tarried long at the soda-water cup, and made merry, and took vanilla in his ; yea, verily, he took even two fmgers of the tiavor, which is called vanilla. And there was with him Jack, of the Seagullites. And when the tenth hour had come, they said, "(io to, we will journey unto our homes, even into the land which lies over against Bugtown." And they gat. And it came to pass that Jack, of the Seagullites, even he that tOcjk coffee in his, g.it him into his father's house ; and behold ! Casey, of the Tapites, journeyed unto the house of his father alone. And it was so. c ,^ ill 5 ,1 Mi; f I ! I« '\- i i8 Parable of the Cat. And he laid him down on his couch, and he snored; yea, verily ing a snore of great snority. cam And lo ! there arose a great noise, insomuch that he of tlu Tapites waxed exceeding wroth. And it was so. And he strake himself in the eye with the bed -post, and thi ^.j^^, stars which he saw were as the sands of the sugar-barrel for mul ^^ ^ titude. And he said, "Go to, I will paralyze the cat." And he gat hold of a hair-brush. And he swore. And l^ehold ! the noise waxed louder. And he swore still more. And it was so. tree Now Casey, of the Tapites, waxed exceeding wroth, and h( was flung that hair-brush, even with a mighty flang. And he wottetl me not why he failed to smite the cat. Hardly a wist. And it was so And the Tapite picketh up one of his sandals. And the same thei were equal in value to five shekels of silver, and were bough* go ; from P. B. C, even he that buildeth clothes. And he saith softly unto himself, " Go to, they will surely dii yoi now." the And he flung the sandal with an exceeding great fleng. And there was a mighty calm. And he wist that the sanda: the did not miss fire. by And he gat him unto his couch and he lay down. And he $5, slej)t even into the seventh hour. And it was so. Selah. fou em Id POPULAR SUP]:RST1TI0NS. the by LAST evening I received the following note from a d sol in Nova Scotia : — Mk. Caskv Tap. 1 )ear Sir : ^^^^^^t.^. N. .S., Oct. 27, '83. f«»^ WouUl \(m he so kiiul as to please let tne know whether j'ou believt. in the connnon superstitions of the day, or not. We have been discuss- **" u. Poptdar Superstitions. 1^ 1 he snored; yea, verily ing the question in our Literary Society for two or three months, hut cannot come to any satisfactory conclusion. An early reply will ()l)lii;e \'ours truly, Lrcv. somuch that he of tlu vas so. the bed-post, and tlv le sugar-barrel for nuil e cat." 1 he swore. so. ceeding wroth, and he lang. And he wottetl a wist. And it was so iandals. And the sann Iver, and were bough s. to, they will surely dii ding great fleng. lie wist that the sanda! he lay down. And hi was so. Selah. Well, Lucy, in the language of C. J. Ca-sar, " you have me there." 1 have never given the thought much c(jnsi(leration, but, to oblige you, I will g- your past life.' white, as though he had s ears begin to curl up. e other wildly searches his excitement, lest sIk ad often wondered win ce was made to his past t he had been a lawyer annot think that of my lapse into another seal * * * * •l)randt Aluldoon, as hr \stral electric light, the .'ager throat from the in- yCTted flask, held high in his right hand. (Patented Nov, 1883). 'iHlere is something imposing about his presence, viewed from the rear. Rising to the giddy height of 5 ft. 6 in. above the level of hiiB socks, he presents a picture worthy of a boot-black or tailor, WOX his eycs^u-e a dark and bloody mystery. While one seems to be piercing you through and through, the other is evidently try- ing to get around to your back and jcjin hands with the previous ocular organ. This gives him a weiid appearance, which is by no means alleviated by his feet. Mikl reader, hast ever seen a large raft of logs coming around a bend in a river, when the bow, as it were, of the raft is almost at right angles to the stern, so to speak? If thou hast, then you can form some faint notion of the size and shape of (i. H. M.'s feet. On the left corner of his chin are grouped six ])imj)les of the barber s itcli funily. Three hairs of a pale, sickly, mucilage-tinted hue adorn his upper lip, oxer- shadowed by a nose which the Colossus of Rhodes might envy. -\. -^c. ->c- * * * :!: :;: * :!: 5!: And who is this Susan Jenki'is, whose guileless remarks so disturbed (leorge ? " CHAPTER n. She is the daughter of old James Jenkins, the rich banker of Sundown. Her mother died when she (.Su.san, of course i had reached the age of ten years. .So the daughter became all the dearer to her father, esj)ecially as she was the only child he was blessecl with. .She had lived happily all along, without having any dark cloud show itself ii[)on her bright hrmament. Slu- had numerous suitors, but they all seemed to her to have some deficiency, which could not compensate her for leaving her okl father. P>ut at last a change came over her life, (ieorge Hilder- brandt Muldoon, with his diagonal optics and his No. 56 shoe. Cussed her bright horizon, and she was " smote." He had been VOt Sundown for about seven months previous to the opening of this interesting tale, and in that time had completely won the in- nocent atlections of .S. )enkins. I le said that he had a large estate in his native town, anil was getting the house furnished, as he i I ' ti > ^2 Saved from a Terrib/e Doom. thought some of marrying and settHng- down. His suit was favor- aljly looked upon by the father, and all was merry as as a dumb- bell. * * As soon as the flask had been emptied, Cxeorge H. Muldoon bent over Susan's shoulder, so that his nose touched the carpel, and tenderly kissed her. He then selected the best hat on Mr. Jenkins' hat-rack, and left. It was a beaver hat that he was hat- rack ted to. CHAPTKR III. Two months have elapsed since I shut down the last chai)ter. Two affairs in Sundown afford food for the gossips. One is the approaching nuptials of Susan Jenkins to her solid Muldoon. The other affair is the mysterious disappearance of William Colville, a rejected suitor for Su.san Jenkins' hand. He was last seen about 9.30 o'clock one CAXMiing, having a valise in his hand, walking briskly past the Jenkins mansicjn. The parents of the young man had a clue, but hired a New York detective, and then all trace was lost. The time sped on until the evening of the nth of May came — just three weeks since young Colville had faded, and just about twelve hours before Susan Jenkins was to become a Muldoon. Mr. Jenkins, Susan, and G. Hilderijrandt Muldoon weie sitting in the elegant Jenkins parlor, conversing upon the one topic clear to their hearts, when a violent pull at the door-bell electrified them. Presently, rn, and t young man into agoiv^^s addressed to me. I picked him ui) in a gentle by-Kil'arney's- up to the fire and workiafees-and-fells manner and asked him if he thcjught he had had quilt of unsound miiKg^Q^gi, exhilarating recreation. " I came out here," he replied, en washing the dishes I'^.c^q skate; and 1 am going to, before I go home, if it takes me till next November." "And I am going to teach you," rejoined I, * * * * '• if it takes till next December." This time he managed to take lutiful sentiments when twO or three strokt^s before he collapsed. While one foot seemed s, the gentle sound of tl anxious to stay with him, and i^e his bride, the other commenced iiouriiful cadence, sonnto pull for the shore. Jack hastily ex])ressed his views on the from a churn when ll burning question of " Contession antl Absolution," and then sat rom Matthew Arnold (.down with considerable intensity. He then started for me, on his back, d bought a pair of skate " Take them olf, take tiiem off! ! " he yelled. " 1 don't care a ) Lily Lake with him t hymn-book if I never skate ! And see here, Tap, the next time had never before placi you bring me skating, I'll stay home ! " some material ahead V I have carefully extracted the sulphur from the above observa- anied him. A brisk wa'i tions of Jack's, as I did not think the original words would look ake, and we prepared V very nice in print under my signature. itively) ice-boats on fir^ It took me about fifteen minutes to relieve Jack of the skates, utiful evolutions with tl as he thrashed around so and (juoted so much scripture that I y' the time I had recoven thought he was going to start in business in opi)osition to the )r death. Accordingly. Hampton match factory. the ice was smooth, alti W(^ reached home about dark and Jack swore me to eternal id getting my note-boc siSitecy about the matter, but as I thought it too good to keep I He cast one pitiful waiiconcluded that I would attemj)t a sketch for the " Pioneer." 1 am ne, and then placed h going out to Colorado to better my fortune when Jack gets hold their apparent agitatimof the " Pioneer" containing this great moral e.ssay. hands suddenly flew u ointing toward — towar )ow-spnt of the Americn ill. I hurried to his sidt ^?f|!! 26 Wanted— A Dog, :i : ^ \\ I i u WANTED -A DOG. one Mj agi tha . _ " L SOD IT was no use for me to talk. Mrs. Tap said that I would ha to get a dog, and when one's better three-quarters sa that a thhig must be done — but why multiply words? .1 That same day I put an advertisement in the " Gazette," I'ea^ ing as follows : — tt- Wanted. — Any person having a good watch-dog to sell will licarcul something to his advantage l)y calling, accompanied by said canine, gj|^ tweeii 10 A. M. and 4 i'. .m. at the residence of j Casey Tap, Bridge St They began to arrive at 10. i next morning, and by 10.30 t finj wa on sai or Ne street was so packed with future bologna that teams could not ,. past, and had to turn back and go around by Holly street to ;. ° past the noble edifice. I donned my fur hat and Dave's overcoat and went out to > them. Such a noise ! ye gods and sardines ! How they talk (the men), and how they yelped, snarled and growled (the d(i«; I told them, with tears in my eyes and cloves in my voice, tliaj^"" would prefer to hear one man and one dog speaking at once. . . soon as my silvery tones had got around Lingley's con. and foundered at, or near, Rootes' barn, the din ceased, and brawny, good-natured fellow spoke. As S(X)n as he had finished his eulogy on his particular di ."' another started up, and so on till the whole fifty had cea^ , During all this time I had had my eye — the good one — upoi • large Newfoundland dog which seemed to about fill the \y Accordingly I paid the fellow his price for him, namely, $\',-t t Tho' I wounce at the price, the owner did not seem, to take niu . stock in winces, and I was compelled to give him full price. '1\ ing the gang that they might now disperse, I re-entered : house with my new treasure. The treasure, evidently, did : want to go with me, but when he saw the blood in my eye — i (26) pif n %. Wanted— A Dog. 27 DOG. one mentioned above — he relented, and arose, and went witli me. My son Xerxes, a five-year-old chip of the old block (head), agreed to take charge of the animule and bring him uj) in the way that a young- dog should be brung. For the first day or two " Lansdowne " seemed to take to the children and any retired soup-bones that came within his reach, ap said that I would ha j^^^^ ,^ change came o'er him. One night when I came in to tea x'tter three-quarters sa^^ ^j^-^ ^^^j^j ^^^^^ j^^ ^ ^_^j^^, ^jj^j ^^.j^j^ ^^^^^^^^^ ^,^^1 head-cheese, uiltiply words ? ^^ ^j^^^ „ Lansdowne " had experienced a change of heart. She said ,'nt m the " Gazette," reaj^^ wouldn't drink any water and acted kind of queer, altogether. His eyes would roll, and he would relieve himself of a groan cal- vatch-dog to sell will hearculated to make a statue shiver in August. I went out to the wood- umpanied by said canine, \^\^^ ^j^h confidence, a pan of water, and a club. When " Lans- ^ Casey T\i' Bridee si^^^"*^ " caught sight of the club he gave a yell that kncjcked my , , knees together like castanets, and turned a hair ring I had on my iiornmg, and by 10.30 t. ?• t 1 1,11 1 r i j , ., nnffer, white. 1 dro])ped the club, water, and coniidence, and, com- lathat teams could not '.. **. , , . , ^\ , , . .. , • , t 1 ,, ,, TT 11 . ingfmto the kitchen, asked Annie it she was sure t Hat Lansdowne md by Holly street to <, ** , f^, • 1 t • 1 11 ' was out there, hhe said yes ; so I went out in the yard and sat , on the cellar-door for about five minutes and then came back and ercoat and went out to >- . j ^ , , ,, • , 1 , 1 • , • 11 r 1 ,. , ,, 1 11 saia 1 guessed he was all right, because he was drinking like a hsh, u'dines ! How they talk " at t^ V • r n 1 1 1 1 , , , , , , , or a statesman. JN. 15. — 1 am getting awlullv deiiiavcd lately, id and growled (the doti- . , ,r i 1 , . . , Next morning, while we were at our breakfast, we heard a great cloves in my voice, that, ,, , ,' , . , , t 1 t- 1 1 r , . . hubbub on the street, and running to the beautiful hastlake front- dog speaking at once. . , . • 1 i r 1 7 1 • n 1 t , T • 1 ) door 1 saw a sight that froze the brandy m my flask. It was no around Lingley s con. • u ^ .1 ' u t i 'w • 1 . r- . c. . , ,. , , less a sieht than Lansdowne, tearing down past Lapt. btevens n, the din ceased, and ^ ^ " . . ^ . . 1 r n 1 u r 1 store, frothing at the mouth, and loUowed by a score of men and , . . ' , boys. 1 drew my rev(jlver and started down the street after him. gy on his particular cl( - , ^.i a . ^ • . c r . u 1 • 1 1 • 1 . . r? As 1 am rather a fleet runner 1 was just five feet behind him when le whole fifty had ccum , mi , n o- i ' 1 i\r • c. ^ a/t / he sailed around Huri) ridgeon s corner and up Main Street. My — the good one — upor. . ^ ^ \ . \ u 1 . .\. \ ^ i;ii 1 impetus was so great that 1 cojild not Xxxxn the corner, and conse- ^ ^^ ^ ^ ■ quently kept on running till I fetched up against the boat-shed. ' ' \' ^^'' I heard the particulars of his flight afterwards. Dave Tapley was did not seem to take niu „4.^^ j- ♦ u- ' j -... /\ »u 1 1 ^1 standing at Fierce s door. As soon as the dog came around the ) give him full price. 1 c corner,' David went in and got shaved. disperse, I re-entered t jj^^^ j^^.^^^^^^^ j^^^.^i.^j ,^j^.^^ ,^ ^^.^.^^j ^j^^^^ ^^.^^ j^^^^^ . ^^ j^^ £,-ral)bed a •easure, evidendy, did ipj^^^i ,^^^^ ^^^^^^^^ ^jU ^j^^. ^j^^, j.^^,j^.j j^^.^ ^^y^^^ j^^ ^^^^^ ^^ ^^^^ ^^^^ he blood in my eye — t z-irifS i ; :i! '**' ,..!'• M Ml r I { if '; if 2cS lVa7i/ed~-A Doo\ door and discharged his revolver at " Laiisdovvne." The 1 struck the hych^ant and, glancing, went through an upper wind in the Lome Motel. While all this was going on, I went intot boat-shed, and procuring a pair of oars, went out for a si)in, i: j)hysician recommending that exercise for me. A mad dog (m walk on water, anyhow. Dune. Lingley was standing near ! post-office, and he went in and i)ought two or three postal car wh'^n he saw " Lansdowne " booming up past Indiantown Fhn while liilly Roberts went in and opened a new box of caiid for men may come, and men may go, but " Lansdowne " weiii a Jay-Eye-See rate. As the dog was nearing F>ridge Road Ci ner, Jack Seagulls came out of " The Denver " with a pistol ji as Jimmy Day came out of Eagle tS: Porter's store with anotii Both fired at once. The ball from Jimmy's pistol struck Jad ear and of course was consitlerably " spent " in consequeii Jack's ball hit James in the sword-arm. Both were taken hoi in a carryall, while the canine kept marching on. He was fina shot by a policeman down in Portland. When I heard it po tively stated that the dog was really deceased, and no mista about it, I went down and wope some scalding tears o\ '' Lansdowne's " j)ulseless remnants. CONFi:SSION OF A CARPHNTFK. Tapvili.e, April 15^1, 18S4 DEAR SIR : Being unable, from my recent accident, to ra the customary stroll to find material for a sketch, I ci eluded I would take 7 or 8 yards of rags off my hand and st you this little bi/lct dcaux^ as it were. This is how the accident happened. The various inhabita: of Castle Tap are very low — or, rather, high — with the dn spring fever — house-cleaning. The carpenter having failed to | in fail a ] aw th< eg ye; wc th( no al to of thi th( sa' W€ be m sn hi ai w ai w hi X\ ti c; a I ' Laiisdowne." The 1 thn)u,i4h an upper wiiidi L>;oin<4 on, I went into t , went out for a s[)in, i; or me. A mad dog vw: ey was standing near ! two or three postal car up past Indiantown Hoi led a new box of caiid ut '* I.ansdowne " went learing liridge Road Ci Denver " with a pistol ji orter's store with anoili nmy's pistol struck Jad spent " in consequeiK Both were taken hor ■ching on. He was fina When I heard it pr deceased, and no mi:sta; nme scalding tears o\ Confession of a Carpenter. 29 :arphntek. V'lLLE, April T5th, 18S4. ly recent accident, to la erial for a sketch, I o igs off my hand and st The various inhabitai er, high — with the dn •penter having failed to [ in his appearance at the appointed time, they j^ressed yours — faithfully, into their service. It seems they wanted some kind of a hanging-shelf j)Ut up in the cellar to keep the commercial milk away from any nomatlic felines, chalk being very deleterious to the fiddle-string region of the average cat. With my customary egotism, which has successfully carried me through 19 weary years, 1 consented to make that shelf As I was entering the work-shop, Xerxes, that depraved youth, says, " I'a, you shelf find the saw " But he never tinished that sentence. He is in bed with me now. An hour's search rewarded me with two boards, a hatchet, a hand-saw, and a jjound of nails. The first thing to be done was to saw the board off the proper length. Placing the boartl on toji of the work-bench, I went in the house and got a drink — water, this time. I then climbed up on top of the bench, placed both of those — those — those feet (?) of mine upon the board, spit on the saw, shut my beauteous orbs, and gave the saw a shove. The weapon struck the atmosphere about fitteen inches from the board, and I got down off the work-bench. I was accompanied in my hegira by a bottle of harness-blacking, a 3-inch auger, four pounds of glue, a chisel, and a keg of spikes. I arose with a smile ujion my countenance, and [)hosphorous in my breath, and grabbed that saw, resohed to do or die. This tiiiK' I kept that best-looking eye of mine open and managed to saw about 3-4 of an inch into the board, where it stuck fast, ne\'er to go again till I went into the Castle for some lard. While in the house, I took another drink. In about five minutes that saw was so covered with grease that its own mother wouldn't have recognized it if she had met it in the road. I then reclumb the bench, and, grabbing the handle of the saw, gave a terrific, so to speak, wrench. This time the saw seemed to work all riuht. i(. •>(. if. 'if '\^ i(~ ifi -^ if. ^■. i(. Three days have elapsed. They carried me out to the shop on a shutter, ga\e me a crutch that I bought once v/heii a certain agent invaded the Castle, and there they left me, I thought to die, when I cast my eye on a 30 Confession of a Caypcntcr. picture of Rill Nye. (Unintentional jK)etry). William's bro.u: classic forehead and semi-baldness, in conjunction with \\\ Raphaelic features, somewhat revived me, and I arose, and tool unto myself a saw. And it was so. By dint of much exertion, and occasionally a muttered beiK diction, I managed to t^et one end of the shelf fixed, when I pii ceeded to nail on the piece by which it was to be suspends I selected a nail of the j)roper size, held it in position with tl thumb and first finger of my left hand and then brought down ll; hammer at the rate of a mile a second. The nail was drive in, clear out of sight. Hut it wasn't the nail I was trying to lii The smitten nail resided on my thumb. With my jack-knife managed to haul the nail out of the " quivering flesh," (See Sea side Library.) After I had covered it with glue I tied it on m thumb with a handkerchief Next day I looked at it and notice^ a little discrepancy, so to speak. I had got the nail reversed, an could not get it off again, so now I go moping around the palali; residence looking like a freak, or a caveat, or a detonator, or soiii other outlandish Grecian thing. When my system gets stroii' enough to stand travel I am going to join a Dime Museuir. where I have been promised a handsome salary. But I'll kcc] the walking skeleton warm. He will not freeze. In conclusiftn brethren, I will say that that shelf is completed and is hanging ii the cellar. But I did not build it — that is, not to any great ex- tent. A small boy, yclept Hector, fii.'^^">ed it and put a coat anc vest of paint on it. Yours, encased in gloom and St. Jacob's Oii Casey Tap. SUMMER. COLD, chilling winter, with its wealth of mince-pies and rhcii matism, has once more left us, with regret, and considerable mud, and the balmy breath of summer, suggestive of strawberries ■MH irpentcr, poetry). William'.s l)ni:i( in conjunction with Ii: me, and I arose, and too! isionally a muttered bem be shelf fixed, when I pn, 1 it was to be suspendci eld it in position with ll, ukI then brougiit down tli w(\. The nail was dri\( e nail I was trying to hi ). With my jack-knife luivL-ring flesh," (See Sea t with glue I tied it on in I looked at it and notice 1 got the nail reversed, an nop'ing around the palati; at, or a detonator, or soiii n my system gets strf)n^ to join a Dime Musciiir me salary. ]3ut I'll kci; ot freeze. In conclusifu: mpleted and is hanging ii at is, not to any great c.\- •'^ed it and put a coat am >loom and St. Jacob's Oi: Casey Tap. Suffimcr. 31 of mince-pics and rhcu I regret, and considerabk suggestive of strawberrie- and " the (Greatest Show on Earth," is once more in our midst. Anxiety about who was to build the matutinal fire has given place l<; plans to stand the tailor off for a freckled suit and a white- stiff hat. If, however, anyone holds any dcnibts that summer is indeed here, let hiin step into a barber siiop to get a shave. The first lick that llu' barlxirian gives him on the chin with a cold shaving brush will convince him indubitably that winter is on the retired list. Before many weeks will have rolled over the heads of the readers of the " Pioneer," the pic-nic epidemic will be raging around North America, including, of course, a portion of Chicago. Then will much people be gathered together, and lo ! cake and other canned goods in great abuntlance will be raked to- gether, and l)ehol(l ! the lunch -basket will wax exceedingly weighty, insomuch that a pic-nic instrument — yea, verily, a Hask, will ])erforce Ik- transferred to the breast jiocket. The attention we have bestowed upon the mysterious movements of the long- billed ]jlumber will be transferred to studying the frolicksome ramb(jls of the bumble bee. The frolicksome gambols of the bumble bee can be observed with sufficient success through a pane of glass. Somehow, I cannot seem to connect with the family physician, at all. Last winter, while he was amputating a half-dozen chil- blains from my beautifully-moulded Etruscan limbs, he told me that winter was positively the worst season for those who did not possess three- for-a-(juarter health. The other day I called him in to pull a cold that had been bothering me for some time, and he in.formed me that a person could do just about as he liked any other time, but in summer he fnusi take care of his constitu- tion if he didn't want his grave kept green. By the way, while we're ont>) health, a person autumn mind, or some disease will s{)ring u])on him and he will tall summerily. (Having secured the entire Ixmkrupt stock of the manuficturer, I am pre- pared to furnish samples of the above jokes at the very cheapest rates. In aluminum gold cases, $300 per set as above, Eoot- A ! I , • 1 \ ',' [ I 1 \ 1 ■ ' 32 Summer. l)ower $3.50 per set, or 22 calibre lont;', stem-winder and setu for $5.67 per set. Mamnv.)th illustrated catalogue sent to any a dress in U. S. on receipt of ten cents in postage). " Now doth the little busy " mosquito pump a person so fi of blood that his hands and face bear a powerful family 1 semblance to the ordinary wash-board to be found in any 1 spectaljle kitchen on Monday mornings. Now, I can stand ^ mosquitoes pounding and kicking at the doors, and trying elevate the windows, all night, but when it gets so that a per.s has to wear a wire-gauze strainer in his mouth, so that i can breatlie with safety — that's when I weaken, as it were. That, and frogs, is one reason why I do not yank myself aw, from the cool shades and {o<^j!;^ of Indiantown and visit the couiii more than I do. Mark Twain tells of mosquitoes in Bermui that could spread themselves over a saucer, but as I am not giv' to talking extravagantly I will only say that I have been visitii lately where an average mosquito could easily pick up a l\\ pound weight and make off with it. The snow has departec! And suiumer is here, And in place of the sausai^e We have cool t;inger beer. Then laj' aside the seal-skin And pass tile wliite straw iiat, And load the .mm with buck-shot, l''(jr 1 meet, to-night, a cat. Empty is the cider barrel, Useless now the Acme skate, .Superannuate the snow-shoe, And the tired mince-pie plate. IMease untie the ice-cream freezer. Hand me that long-handled spoon, Hurry with the luncheon-basket, For the picnic starts at noon. a e S k e tl s a; cl h b I S d a d h ti u a A Modem Instance. 00 \<^, stem -winder and selk :d catalogue sent to any a n postage). lito pump a person so li )ear a powerful family i rd to be found in any i gs. Now, I can stand ^ the doors, and trying len it gets so that a pers n his mouth, so that i I weaken, as it were. I do not yank myself aw, itown and visit the count A mosquitoes in Berniui ucer, but as I am not givi y that I have been visilii uld easily pick up a l\\ A MODERN INSTyVNCl:. )t'ur. skin aw liat, iick-shot, cat. skate, shoe, ie plate. in freezer, idled spoon, -basket, , nooti. A CALM, still cxeniiig in June. Fair Luna reflects her silvery tx. refulgenct' upon all the earth beneath. This is particularly so in the case of Smith's barn, which has been newly whitewashed. The tiny wavelets are distinctly seen to dance merrily toward the shorelet, whence they at last break into an argentiferous shower against Jones' iish-houselet. This is all taking place upon the aboxo-mentioned calm, still eveniui^ in June. Coining uj) the level road to the left of this witching, fiiry scene is a dudeling, christened Montmorenci De Slim. Lie pauses at a .gate, o[)ening upon a graveled path wliich leads up to the mansion of the beauteous Lurline McCirath, the enslaver of his trusting hearty He closes the gate after him, and then stoops and. picking up a stone, places it in his pocket, and starts toward the Ikjusc. But, hist! a low, ominous growl is heard. At the sound, Montmorenci De Slim suddenly thrusts his hand into his pocket and produces the stone whicli lie had picked u|) in that calm, clear mooiili^hl at the gate. Concealing himself behind a hoe- handle, the dude awaits the coming of the honest watch-dog. Around the o )nier of tlie mansion came tiie dog, his ears laid back, and his teeth sticking out about three inches, as it were. He sprang toward the lioohandle, but at that moment, Mr. De Slim hurled the deadly stone at the foe, with all the strengtli of a dude. The missile missed th(^ canine, and went hurtling through a large plate-gkiss window in the McCirath residence. When the dog saw what it had been growling at, he thrust his tail between his legs, slunk around to the back of the l)arn, and died from mor- tification. De .Slim Iiid behind a tree till the excitement incident upon his j)oor aim had somewhat suijsided, when he walked to- ward the house and lan.ii the bell. A 55-a-\veek servant, in livery, answered his summons, and conducted him to the parlor to await Lurline's coming. Presently she appeared. E A m \\\ jii i Hf li i < i ;4 y-. i Modem Instance. " Montinorcnci ! " " Lurly ! " I tell you it was something terrible to see them. They fell each (jthtr's neckties and embroce. ■:>(. if. if. % :)(. % if. if. :i^ •^■. Thcre, I i^iiess that'll do ! " Dearest Mont., I knew you'd come," said the angelic you: thing. These two had quarreled. The cause of the rupture \va ri\'al, .Manifred Go Braugh Le Dude. He had poisoned Lurliii young mind with false reports concerning Montmorenci's pri\ cliaracter. But a detective had come to the village, and collar (io Braugh. and her eyes had been at last oi)ened. A light bmi uj)on her, but. fortunately, she escaped without any serious injur Lurline wrote a note of reconciliation to Montmorenci with i above result. " And you brought the ring, darling ? " murmurs Lurlii. looking up into his clear, brilliant, imported eyes. At these words the dudelet blanches, and turns chalky palo. " How can I tell you?" he groans in anguish. " VVhat is it, dear? " asks Lurline, wonderingly. " Dar-dar-darling, the-the-" here his voice sinks to a hoar- agonized whisper, " the brass-works have-have — " " Not burned down ! " Lurline ejaculates, shuddering at i thought that her suj){)ly of jewelry would therel)y be cut oft. '* No, no, not burned," Montmorenci rejoins, " but t/uy lid SHSprmit d ! .' .' " A wild shriek rings through the house, and falls down cell ending its career. As the moon emerges from behind a flen ni^ht-shirt on the clothes-line, Montmorenci De Slim is seen beiK ing over Lurline McGrath's prostrate form, dashing water ir her classic features, including the pink nostrils and ruby lips. We may also include the pearly teeth. (CONCLUSION.) r r t S n c ii i.. stance. "^ Vernal MnsiiiQS, 1 ■-' I to sec them. They fell * * * * ne," said the angehc you cause of the ruj^ture \va- He had poisoned Luiliii iiing Montmorenci's priv to the village, and collar last opened. A light hn- without any serious injur to Montmorenci with i "ling ? " murmurs Lurlii: )orted eyes. ps, and turns chalky [)alc. in anguish. wonderingly. his voice sinks to a Ikxh- ive-have — " culates, shuddering at i uld thereby be cut off. ici rejoins, " but they ha use, and falls down cell ■rges from behind a tlci renci De Slim is seen bcii I form, dashing water ii nostrils and ruby lips. * ;(: -t * •th. .) VHKNAL MUSINGS. ''^riS Spring. 1 That is, understand, 'tis Spring just at this particular moment when I am |)enning these wisdom-embossed truths ai.d reveries. 1 mention this fact in sclf-dct'ence, as j)robal)ly the aspect of the weather will have changed ere these musings ha\'e reached the paid-up subscribers of the '' Pioneer." Now is the time to make up clubs. One of the earliest evidences of Spring is bogus mai^le sugar. Strange, isn't it, that a "slack" season in the crop of maple makes no percei)tible difference in the amount of sugar displayed in the store wintlows 1 The merchant hies him to the sugar woods, in his back shoj), an4 ta])S a barrel of West India sugar. Next day he is selling genuine maple sugar, fresh from ( Jrand flails. The hand-organ is another evidence of the most dclightrul and catarrhal season of the year. Dead, indeed, nnist be his soul lor whom music hath no charms, to speak of ReceiUly 1 was pass- ing through a street in l'a))\ille, and came across a swartln' son of Italy attached to a hurdy-gurdy, and surrounded by an eagi'r group of children. I would have continued on mv way rejoicing, had not an In- dian, standing near a te!egraj)h pole, caught my straight evi" — the other on(.' has been caught for some time. I tried to uncouple it with a monkev-wrench once, but failed iunomiuiouslv. The noble Red Man < see J. h'enimore Coo[)er ) was intently listening to the music, and as the soft, mellow strains of " ( )ver the (iarden Wall " floated from the organ, like a dismasted Inni- ber raft, a tear — chocolate-brown —stole into each eye. Mv heart was touched, though I had on mv overcoat at the time. ( ioing up to the representati\(' of a down-trodden race, 1 pulled a half dollar Irom the inside case ot my Strasbourg (doak. and ^axc it 36 Vernal Musinos. mif to him. About an hour aftenvards, a great noise in the street attracted my attention. I arose, and girded my loins, and gat me to the door. There was the victim of my charity, " full " from the boot-heels to his back teeth, and followed by a crowd of youngsters. He was very exuberant. And all for eight cents an exube. I am "short" on magnanimity ever since. We will now return to Spring. The drug stores drive an animated trade any time of the year, but especially so in March, April and May. Brown's Bitters, Smith's Liver-Enlightener, and Jones' justly celebrated Kidney Remedy meet with a ready sale, while the undertakers become silent partners in drug stores, and get rich. 'Tis now that the enteprising farmer leads his fowls to the scaffold. I say " leads," for are they not l)lind, and lame, and halt ? The innocent bird's head is laid on the block, the tiller (jf the soil sets the guillotine in action, and the country market is flooded with spring chickens. When a grocer has a large number of eggs left on his hands, or, rather, the counter, he covers them with a sort of patent egg- preservative, and in the Spring we can have fresh Easter eggs, and enjoy life, and feel rich and influential, at twenty-five cents a dozen. In the Spring, a young man's fancy ligiitly turns to thoughts of love ; in the Spring the serenader has a chance to go above ; in the Spring J. Lawrence .Sullivan dons his Hght and frisky glove; in the Spring the dudeling gay goes to see his " litde dove;" in the Spring,— but it is not Spring any more. The north-eastern sky is darkened, and the snow, the beautiful snow, is coming down like 2.40, to speak \'ery figuratively. Winter lingers in the lap of Sj^ring till after mi(hiight (stand- ard dme). 'i'es, and 'way into the mickilc of [une, loo. (A collection will now be taken up for tlie poor of the parish.) Clubs — Trumps. 37 CLUBS-TRUMPS. '^['^WO or three clays ago I succumbed to the beguilings of the 1 tempter, and joined a friend in swinging the death-deahng Indian club. I had been in poor health, owing to my liver and spleen disagreeing. So Jack suggested the club exercise as a means of toning my shattered system up. We repaired to Jack's woodshed and commenced work. As Jack is quite an athlete, he opened the l)all by showing me some high and lofty, copper-riveted, lock-jawed, stem-winding curves with the clubs. "Oh ! that's nothing," observed I, as I took the weapons from him. Then I swang. Jack should have got out of my way sooner than he did, and he needn't blame me that the club which I had in my right hand smote him in the \'est. He staggered o\'er to the ash -barrel, and wai)e three or four large, triangular $3.50 weeps. He said : "Take a message and a token to some distant friends of inine. For 1 was bt)rn at Indiantown, N. !>." When I commenced searching deceased pockets for cigars, he recovered, and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was trying to tind if his liver still beat. Tiien Jack, who is very slangy, said, "Oh : liver be blowed ! It is the cigars you're after." 1 don't like Jack, occasionally. After my friend had climbed up the ladder into tiie ])ige()n- house, I made another attempt. I was executing some fine (iotliic swinging when the left club Hew off at a tangent, and a dog. which was lying in the corner. It was the same dog that visited me when I was after ducks some time ago. When Jack heard his dog howling, he started down the ladder, and was just in time to catch the other clui) in the ear — one of those benign (in -fact 3x9'' ears of his that he has refused $500 for. 38 Clubs — Trumps. To say that Jack was mad would be flattering him, for he was foaming, and made some theoiG;5ical remarks in bkmk prose — considerably blanked. He said he had always treated me kindly, and did not comprehend what my motive was for assassinating him. He said he would never see Nellie or Maude again. After telling him not to die till I came back, I went down into the house and got two sheets, which I tied together. With these I managed to cover his ear. I then poured four and a half pints of water over the sheets to take the swelling out. Carefully laying the wounded youth upon a pile of soft ])ine boards, I started on an Arctic ex- pedition after the truant clubs. One I found in a pail of lye. It was that occurrence that decided me to write this sketch. The other was nowhere to be seen, jack found it, next day, in his ear. After putting another embroidered oat-bag over the sufferer, I took my departure and his hat and overcoa"", I have not seen him since, but I guess he's alive, as I have noi noticed an- stagnation in the wholesale grocery and conuuission business. K. WIIITTINGTON AND HIS CAT. W'HEN one reads the several accounts of an event in the various papers, he cannot but wonder that we of the 19th century know as much as we ajipear to. And when it is so in mc^dern times, how much more so must it have been in times gone i)ast ! when you and I were young, Maggie ? How can we arrive at the true facts concerning Wm. Tell, or D. Mosthenes, Escj., or Mr. Nero, or the Hon. O. Crom- well, K. C. M. G., V. W. X. Y. Z. '' I have undergone ct)nsideral)le expense and loss of nightmare to collect self-sufficient evidence of the truth of the following facts concerning Mr. Whittington and his feline attendant. * * * i: * :i: <(. * * M-- * R. WhittingUm and His Cat. 39 In the reign of Edward No. 3 of England, Dick Whittington's father and mother, having nothing else to do, died, leaving Dick, who was very young at the time, in indigent circumstances. Tliey also left him in England, it is believed, though the ancient manu- script in my possession saith neither no nor yes. Dick's parents lived, before they died, in a small town far from any of the large cities, like London or Minneapolis. From the day of the poor boy's first realization of his lone condition, his lot was a hard one. Not being old enough to work, he was often in great need of peanuts and other tinned meats, and had to depend upon the poor neighbors for the occasional hard crust he received. Although young, he was smart, and tried to learn all he could from the talk of the village folk. He used often to loiter near the " Three Star" saloon, like many a modern youth, and heard the town of London mentioned so much that he got the idea that it must be made entirely of gold and precious mud. So one day he smuggled himself aboard a mule train that was travelling through the village on its way to London from Denver. Upon arriving in the great city, Richard took to his heels, expect- ing to pick a nugget of gold in the street, large enougl^ to enal)le him to become President and run a steam yacht. After running around till tired, he sat down on a door-step, and cried and slept till morning. Presently a man came along and asked him why he did not work. "Bring along your work," said Dick, "and you'll see it done." This reply seemed to please the gentleman, and he took him to his hay held, where he had to work tilteen hours a day for two pence a day and buckwheat pancakes. When the haying season was over, Richard found himself in want once more, and he lay down at the door of a Mr. Fitzwarren, who hatl made cash galore in Wall Street, and who was now ii the shipping business in Lon- dv)n. The P>ench cook, from Iimis, noticed him, and being crosser than the average co;jk, said to him in F'rench, " Phvvat dez yez vant there, eh ? Shkij), or by the powers, Oi'll make yez." fust at this moment Mr. Fitzwarren came in on the " Flying Yan- kee" to dinner. After berating Richard for not earning his living, 40 R. Whit tin plan mid His Cat. /' \it' he took him into the house, to do what work he could for the cook. Although he and Bridget never agreed very well, he found favor in the eyeglasses of Mr. P'itzetc's daughter, Alice. She took him in charge, and taught him why 2 plus 3 made 5, and why bankers occasionally found Canada a cool summer and winter resort. Being troubled with rats, Dick bought his justly celebrated, own and only cat with some money that one of Mr. F.'s visitors had given him for blacking his shoes. Soon one of Mr. P'itzwar- ren's ships was ready for sea, and as he wished to give all his employees a chance to get wealthy, he told them that they could send any article out in the vessel. Bridget jocularly told R. W. to send his cat. Mr. F., hearing the remark, told Dick to bring his cat and let her go. He did so, and as soon as the sailors had goofed the giblets, and lashed the dinner-kettle to the main left mizzen obvious mugwump, the ves- sel jHit to sea. After the ship had sailed, Dick felt lonely without his cat, and after a pitched l)attle with the cook, ran away. When he got near the Dime Museum the Swiss Hell Ringers from Rhode Island struck up, and the bells seemed to say to him, " Turn again, Whittington, Lord Mayor of London." This ej)isode set Richard to thinking, and at last he went back to Mr. Fitzwarren's, being- just in time for the pudding and brandy sauce. Meanwhile, the ship, containing the cat, at last put into a wild coast near lat. 20 north and long. 70 Vo east. The captain and men went to dine with the king of the island, and were sur})rised to see large numbers of rats running around the room, some even getting up on the table. The captain told his royal nibs that he had an animal on board the vessel that would just scatter those rodents in about seventeen seconds, ALirquis of Cranberry rules. When the king saw how well the cat worked, he bought all the goods that were in the vessel and gave the captain a large sum of gold for Dick in return for the cat. The ship put back to London. Dick gave considerable of his money to the captain and crew of the vessel. After buying a new suit of navy l)lue diagonal and a Fedora hat, he was considerable of a dude, and Alice Fitzwarren R. IVJiittino-ton and His Cat. 41 fell in love with him, dnd they were married, the wedding; beinjr attended by the Lord Mayor and a ciivorc- lawyer from Chicai^o, amongst other prominent i)ersons. Dick and wife lived hapjiy ever after. He was niore than once Lord Mavor of London. I-or some brave deed. King Henry the Fifth knighted him. Deceased came to his death about four hundred and fifty years ago next month, beloved and respected by all. Who can tell what great man will next be taken from our midst ? THl- TILLING OF THE SOIL. A S an agriculturist, I am not the dazzling success that one, at i 1 first blush, might imagine. I had Ixren cogitating the sub- ject for some time, and at last decided to wrench the potatoes and other fruits from mother earth. Deciding to start on beans, I journeyed by easy stages to the drng store. The young man in charge had only been in the business a day and night. That's the reason he tried to sell me, consecutively, bronchial troches, Rochelle salts, canary seed, and licorice drops, as being the article I was seeking. He at last ran across something that puz- zled us both for some tiuic. Not wishing to air my agricultural knowledge before this youth, I kept silent, not intimating whether they were beans or not. I hapjKMied to glance at the corner of the box out of which he took the articles, and saw that they were compressed tablets of chlorate of potash, which are used for diph- theria and Bright's disease of the throat. He soon got hold of something that we both decided were beans, and I, contrary to my usual custom, paid him, took a glass of soda to settle my shattered nerves, and left. That night, after my exciting day's wrestle with a telegraph key, I sauntered over to my friend Jones' to see how the truit was to be j^^lanted. Jones has been a hardy tiller of the soil for about four months and twenty days, without recourse. After watching him milk four cows and a pump, I started for ill 42 The Tilling of the Soil. home, deciding not to plant them in that manner. I engaged a youtli, who had spent all his days in a saw-mill, as an assistant, and, together, we went to work. At Sam's suggestion I removed the grass from the earth where the beans were to be buried. But how were we to get them into the ground ? " fk^re's a dilemma ! " I exclaimed. " 1 don't think es that'l dew," said Samuel, " per- hajKs a stick would be better." Accordingly, he procured a broom handle and sharpened one end. While I made the holes in the ground, Sam dropped the beans in. It was dark when we finish- ed, and, bidding my amanuensis good-night, I entered the house. Next evening, when I was at supjicr, my neighbor Jones came in and asked me when I intended to commence my farming oper- ations. I told him I expected to plant my beans in two or three days. While 1 was speaking, he picked the package of unused beans up and commenced grinning. " You haven't planted any of these, have you?" he interrogated. " I-I-tnat is — well, to tell the truth, I have. Why ? " " (iive me a knife, and I will dissect one." Jones dissected one. The post mortem examination revealed the fact that they were the ordinary sugar-coated pills of commerce, made by a gor de- man known in patent-medical circles as Dr. J. C. Ayer. After fmishing my tea I started for the drug store, and the manner in which I mauled that youthful druggist, aj)othecary and chemist, is recorded as a caution. My language was scathing, now, 1 tell you. I might have been at him yet, had not the chief drugger himself come in, and inquired if I came in to pay for that toc.thache pad I had bought some time ago. Disdaining to answer him, I left. N. H. — The disdain business pays sometimes. Next day I purchased a calf, intending to make it, in conjunc- tion with the pump, a source of untold wealth and (Oriental lux- uriousness to mc and mine. When I found out that it was not that kind of a calf I decided to raise him, and then condemn him to the scaffold, at so much a pound. When I purchase an animal I want to get the proper kine. (Samples of this joke sent, securely sealed, to any address The Till in o- of the Soil, 4J in Chicago or Canada upon receipt ol an eiirhty-seven cent money order. Large illustrated circulars and price-lists un application. Examine (jur stock.) That night I tied a clothes Vmv. around Gome/,' neck and started for the i)umj) to teed him. For some mysterious and largely occult reason, Oomez did not want to make; the acquaint- ance of the pump, but commenced running insanely around in a circle till I was completely tangled up in the yo\,c. He then started across the broad fields and smiling meadows at a John C. Eno rate. At horribly irregular intervals he would pause in his wild career, long enough to enable me to get partially untangled, when off he would start on another tack. I was just commencing to think of some hymns, etc., when Ciomez made for the open gate. " Now, or never ! " I muttered tragically, gritting my hands. Just as I vvas tearing through the gate, I flung out my arms and caught the fence. Ciome/ turned, looked around with a hurt ex- pression, and made a wild dash. Just as I was about to yield to the calf's supplications, Sam, my saw-mill agriculturalist, came along and severed the partnership hitherto existing between the writer and one calf, known as Gomez. Ciomez is at large, and may remain so, as far I am concerned. As soon as I veal well enough, I will take an agricultural course at Sackville College. I am a bucolic gentleman no more, and to all who have the slightest symptoms of leading the mirth- ful, hilarious life of a farmer, I can give no better atlvice than that contained in the old Latin couplet — " Hors de combat, noni de plume, Et Felix McFlaherty, elbow room." PISCATORIAL. I KNOW the above is a hackneyed subject, and should be filed away with the mother-in-law burst of humor, the unloaded- gun-or-pistol joke, the recoil-of-the-mule wit, etc., etc. It has 44 Piscatorial. \ :.< been written al)out in sony; and prose till it bej^ins to nK\ke one tired ; but I will venture to give a yearninj^ world my experiences. Perhaps they may present something new in the fishing line. (That is intended for a joke. 11" necessary, please read it over twice. ) Well, there was a large party of us boarded the steamer " Star " at the Taj^ville wharf at 6 o'clock on a recent Saturday evening. The eleven-mile trip to Woodman's Point was pleasantly made in about an hour, the j(jurney being enlivened by i)iano-playing, singing", cigars, ice-water, e/ a/s. Leaving the steamer, we embarked on a small open boat and were (}uickly rowed ashore by Mr. Lain, or Lane, or Layne, or Laine, or Laen (as the case may be). A short walk took us to the farm-house, where we were to stop over Sunday. We reth'ed about ID o'clock, and slept the sleej) which is only vouchsafed to the truly good. The next day being the Sabbath, a fishing party was organized consisting of Steve, Edmond, and the author of this volume, price 25 cents, — [)resses working night and day ; send in your money early to avoid the rush at the door. At first I demurred, but my pnMieness for trout, in conjunction wath the other boys' entreaties, at last overcame my scruj)les, and I did go. A fishing-line each was distributed, worms were exhumed, and ofi" we started. A man in a wagon diat met us told us to walk till we came to the first bridge, and we would strike the brook. As the sun came pouring down upon us, coats were unbuttoned, and it was not long before they were slung over our backs. We pre- sendy came to a bridge composetl of a spar extending across the road, and under which a stream, no bigger than a man's thumb,* tossed and tore. Concluding that there must be another bridge further on, we cut some poles, and recommenced our 90'^ above zero walk. The pre\'ious evening we had gone in bathing at the Point, and the air being chilly, I had expressed my surprise at Lieut, (ireely's going to the North Pole, when Woodman's Point was so much handier. This next day, while we were sweating Piscatorial, 45 like unsuccessful caiulidates, Su-ve turned the tea-tables hv ex- pressiniir his surprise that Henry Stanley went clear to Africa when Woodman's Point was slii;iitly nearer. After passino- several small hridi^es, similar to the first one. we at last came to a large one, under which a j^rand, majestic brook frothed and foamed. The view from the bridge was enchanting. Up the stream, the brook was one mass of seething, turbulent, troubled waters; down the stream, tiie wati;rs calmly meandered with the gentle, unctuous meander of the meand ; to the right, <'x- tended the road whicli we had just travelled, with its barriers of majestic pines and sj)ruce ; to the left, the road rose to a steep hill by a gentle up-grade; while at our feet were the fishing-rods and worms. It was a scene worthy a scrubbing brush, especially the presenlly-to-be-fishermen. A few chub were caught from the bridge, but not considering this sufficiently exciting, Steve and Edmond proposed a trip up stream. Accordingly we baited our hooks, deposited our coats, shoes and socks in the bushes, and waded up the stream in our bare feet. Any person who thinks walking on sharp-i)ointed rocks is conducive of a meek and lowly Christian spirit, had better try it just once. Once in a while we would pause and try our luck, and to Steve Ijelongs the honor of capturing the first trout. He was soon followed by Edmond, while I brought up a retired boot-leg. The brook chattered, chattered, as it went, and 'gainst our feet did beat, C) ! while now and then much time was spent to kill a young muscjuito. i^resently, as the rocks seemed to grow more angular and my feet grew tenderer, I began to think how wrong it was to go fishing on Sunday. While I was thinking, I stubbed my superior toe against a stone, and, muttering that I would not fish on Sunday, no, not for anybody, I lay down upon a large, flat, high rock and basked, while the other boys, depraved as they were, kept on their mad career. It was 11.30 when they left me, and they did not turn up, or, rather, turn down, till 1.40, standard. I reclined ujion the rock for about an hour, and then started over the wet, slii)i3ery i)ointed rocks again for the bridge, which I reached in about fifteen minutes. When those sinners came back I -' 46 Piscatorial. iii<', they had seventeen trout with them. As usual, the largest one got away from them, or they would have brought eighteen. We donned our foot-gear, slung our poles and coats over our shoul- ders, and started for the house. A delightful breeze had sprung up, and we found the return walk much j)leasanter than our former. We reached the house by two o'clock, and were treated better than we deserved, inasmuch as we found dinner awaiting us. In the evening we attended Divine worship. That is, we reached the church just as the congregation were wending their several ways homeward. A pleasant walk of about one-and-a-half miles brought us V)ack, and after some cheerful talk about idiots, we retired. A slight rain shower commenced during the night, and continued through the forenoon of the following day. After thanking our kind entertainers for their various atten- tion paid to our wants during our brief but enjoyable visit, we reached the shore and were rowed out to the "Star," arriving at Tapville at S.45 a. m., feeling iliuch refreshed after our short retire- ment from the hot, dusty streets ol the cit> . Woodman's Point is one of the pleasantest si)ots in New JJrunswick, and I would recommend parties who think of rusticat- ing, to take the "Star" some Saturday eveni.'g, returning in time for business (jn Monday morning. They need not, however, go fishing on Sunday, unless so inclined. AT THIi I'lCNIC. if ^'\TO, SIR;" .said Mr.Wilkins, " you don't catch mc at another 1\ picnic." He had made this remark, without carrying it out, so often before, that Mrs. W. did not notice it at all, but kejH at her work of packing a picnic basket with edibles. At the Picnic. 47 It was in no enviable state of mind that Mr. V\'ilkins consented to go. Mrs. Wilkins and Johnny walked ahead, while Mr. W. and the basket brought up the rear. On the way to the depot, Wilkins stopped t(j talk to a friend about some business matter, and before he was aware of it, Mrs. Wilkins and the boy were lost to sight, tho' to memory dear, — her last bonnet cost fifty dollars. He start- ed on a run, and soon the basket began to shed knives, and forks, and napkins, enough to make your head swim. Mr. Wilkins stopped to pick the articles up, and succeeded after five minutes hard labor. He was by this time in a profuse perspiration, and started for the train at a gallop. Arrived there, he noticed that all the cars, except one, were full. After making his way through one crowded carriage without finding his wife and child, he de- cided to take the last car and join Mrs. W. on the grounds. " This is comfort ! this is something like life ! " he said, as he surveyed the car over, and noticed that he had it all to himself and the basket. Placing that article between his feet, he sat down and waited for the car to st;u"t. After sitting for about fifteen minutes, Wilkins glanced nervously at his watch and saw that it was ten minutes j)ast the time appointed for its departure. Look- ing out of the car window he noticed that the dej)ot had a deserted appearance. Staggering to the front [)latform, he looked around him in a dazed manner. His car was the only one in the station, and ic was the only man in the station. Placing the basket on his arm, he passed through the (lej)ot. Outside, he met the station-master, who informed him that the picnic had been gone just twelve minutes. " That car you were in is a spare one, and was not coupled to the train." " \'es, but what am I to do ? How will I get to the jMcnic grounds?" groaned .Mr. Wilkins, in des|)eration. "There is a frt'ight train leaves in fifteen minutes, and \vt''ll uive vou a run down (»n it." Accordingly, W. l)oar(led the freight, and arrived just in time to save Mrs. Wilkins from committing suicide on account of his non-appearance. He was also in time to get some v.aler lor the 48 At the Picnic. 11 tea-kettle, for it was now dinner time. Freight trains do not attain a dangerous rate of speed. After tramping around about two miles, with a pail, he at last struck water. In getting it, however, he unintentionally sat down in the soft, plastic clay. That is what made him persistently stand facing the ladies. Drawing his wife aside he. in a voice tilled with emotion and ham, t(jld her the state of affairs. But that excellent lady was not to be conquered. Diving into the basket, she exhumed a long Hnen duster of his, covered with milk and other picnic delicacies. Wilkins' anxiety to see whether it was long enough or not caused him to overlook the sustenance on it, and he (juickly donned it. Then that excit- ing pastime of trying to l)e haj)py began, sitting on the damp earth eating indigestible viands, with large, three-ply ants and other curious creatures gently meandering up one's trouser leg. O, we've been there, and kncnv it all, from (ienesis to the golden gates of California. After all appearance of dinner had been carefully erased, no- thing would do but Mr. Wilkins must climb a tree and tix a swing. A rope was procured from a farmer living near, and the ascent began. When tlie unfortunate gentleman had got about three feet trom the ground, the r(jpe caught and brought him down with a jerk. Looking around, and noticing the ladies near, he made all his remarks in an inaudible tone of voice. By his ex- pression, one would judge that he was annoyed at something. When he had ceased muttering, he reclumb the tall ancestral spruce, and managed to get the swing atfixed. " Perhaps," said the thoughtful Mrs. Wilkins. "y()U had belter try and see that it is firm. " " Firm ? Of course it's firm ;" so saying, he gave a youthful bound and lit in the swing, i^e says he cannot exactlv tell how it happened, but he found himself making several revolutions that would have done credit to a professional athlete. The rope, be- coming entangled around his legs, stopped his wayward career in time to save his life. Tlu- fanner who loaned the rope was hired to fix the swing f )r a (luarter of a dollar, while .Mr. Wilkins, with charming naivete, .sat down in a i ream i)ie. At the Picnic. 49 They reaclied home about dusk, and W. swears hy all the i;()ds that he never will attend anotiier i)icnie. Hut it has been the same from the beL^innini;-. No sooner do we i^et home from one exciting- excursion than we make a firm resolve never to go near another, and it is repeated year after year, and will be so till we hear Gabriel's solo on the K-tlat cornet. ALL LOR FILTY CLNTS. I AST week I went to the circus for the first dnie in three years, -J and I do not think I will s>() ;iR ram for tl nee more vi'ars. l'"or days beforehand the town had been flooded with circus liter- ature. The board fences and dead walls were covered with litho- ited om grai)hs ol various aiumals, done in stove polish by some talen house painter. There was the sacred calsoinined elej)hant li Cambridj4ej)ort, Conn., pictured alongside the tattooed Chicago princess; there was the horned rhinoceros from Rhinoceioston, the ourang-outang. and the trained horses from Rome, New \'ork State, and the eiiuestrienne in abbrexiated garments, and — and — but why i)articulari/e? There is not a reader of this Junius Klter but has been to a circus sometime in his, or her i as the case may be) life. A man may go to the circus and menagerie, and make a ter- rible row that he will not go to another, but when \\v pee|)s out of tlu' office winihjw at the procession of weak-kneed elephants, and camels with cotton humps on their backs, and beautiful Albanian ladies whii"h ha\ e been impoi'ted at enormous exi)ense Irom se\ - eral New I'Jigland States, he mentally resolves that his lillle boy must see that circus, e\'en if he himself be obliged to aeeonipany him. it was tin- same way with a liiend ol mini', lie went last year for lh(> last lime, but no sooner had tlu' eonsnniptix e ( ii< us band commencetl its demoniacal screeching on die streets than 50 All for Fifty Cents. Will said his buy ous^ht to sec that circus, and he "was afraid" he would ha.vc to leave the office and go witli him. After con- siderable persuasion, he induced your's truly to accompany him. Before we had reached the circus tent, Will put his boy in charge of some lady friends, and we started to "do" the affair to- gether. The sacred white elepha-u attracted considerable atten- tion. A jjarty of Buddhist i)riests were kneeling before it. Will thouglitlessly threw a j)eannt at the elephant, who thereupon switched its trunk around, striking one of the j)riests o»- the head. " Wot are yer afther doin'?" said the Buddhist. " Hould shdll, ye baste." Thus are our funtlest fancies broken up, as it were. I migiit ha\e left that spot wondering at the degraded state of human nature which bowed l)efore an animal. But, no, I left, wondering whether the Budtlhist business in a circus paid or not. The monkeys' cage next attracted our attenticju. One large fellow in till' rear of the cage attracted my attention, and I called Will's notice to ii. "That," .said I, " 1 \V'»uld consider as i)artly prov ing the 1 darwinian theory. Look at him ! One can almost see iiuman intelligence in his features." " Come on, Tap, let us get along," said my friend, " we are beginning to draw crowded houses." Wiien I saw that I had been standing in front of a mir- ror that was in the back of the monkeys' den, I "got along." As l)ill Nye says, "the performance in the ring has not fallen off nuich, except the riders. One fell off several times yesterday." I was sur|)rised to see Will burst into tears when Mme. McFlab- berty came out on a terra-cotta charger's back. " Why, William," said I, " what's wrong with you ? Are you off.en taken that way ? " " Oh, Tap, " .said he, " the kind old fellow ! " "What old fellow?" 1 interrogated. "Are you crazy?" Will wrung his handkerchief out, and explained : " I meant my grandfather when 1 spoke of the old gentleman. N'ou see, when lu-' was a bo\- \v. U: ■ed t o court a uirl who was lilleen vears his senior. ( )nc d.iy Aw disapj)carrd, and has ne\er been heard from since. And, (."asey, wiien I saw Mnu'. .McFlabberty ride into the ring. I knew lier at a glance, by a birth-mark on her elb ow. Ol 1 I li'iw it rfuiinded uu- oi' grandpa I All for Fifty Cents. 51 " See here, Will, I can resjicct ei^ruesomc sorrow and oclaoonal gloom as well as anybody else, but if you are ,q;nino' to l)rin_)Li ^ip any more weeps, I'll have to move over to a seat where the t^roinul is not so humid, as it were, and so soaked with scalding reminis- cence. Why, if Mme. McKlabberty affects you in that mrmner, what will you do when the clown comes on with his before the- flood jokes ? " vSo saying-, we " girded up our lions, and tied the seen," as A. Ward would say. /\ GRHAT SCHI'Ml:. I SEF*^ by the papers that a wise man of (iermanv has invented or discovered a plan by which a human being can be success- fully frozen and, at the end of two years, l)e thawed out again, it's a great scheme, and the wonder is that it ^vas not thawed of JK-fore. Hut this (ierman professor lias met with one difliculty — no one seems to be unduly eager to l:)e refrigerated, \\\\(\ he has decided to try it on some condemned criminal. We trust the day is not far distant when every respectable family will have one cjf these j)atent coolers. I would give one-half of my bright intellect for one. ( This offer will be void after May i , tlfiotjwly cS: sne44 gib mly3\ If I possessed one I would try it on a certain individual I wot of. I would like to jam her into the refi'igenitor in the midst of one of her bright smiles which haunt me still. ( )ne can imagine .seeing' her two years hence, alter the thaw had sii in, with the same calm, umailfled smile upon her face, as she remarks, " Wh)-, gootl land ! It's just gx)'ge()us!" Then she would relapse into another one of those enervating ripi)les of laughte'- wliic li are warranted to cure drunkenness, or monev refunded. And again, just think what a blessing it would be in the stilly night when )'om- jxjsteritx v\as lowering rents with his 'unos! 52 A Great Scheme. All you vvoukl have to do, after all other means had failed, — would be to ^rah the comini^ g'eneratif)n, poke it into the cooler, haul out the i)atent dingus — say about two inches — shove back the sciatica, switch the gang-plank, — and h.'t the youngster Danen- hower for two years. At the expiration of that time, he would doubtless understand what was expected of him. And this brilliant idea suggests another, — think how cheap it would be to raise a family! When the children began to get too ])lenty, as it were, and frccjuent, I might say, nothing would be easier than congealing ten or twi . of them. (In this case it would be advisable to have two or three refrigerators). And then I would keep one on hand for the facetious young man who slaps me gently on the ])or()Us ])laster and, pouring a merry, gurgling laugh into my right ear, asks me will I sell him the chain that I had " Lansdowne " fistened with. IIi' is looking for relics. However, I would have tt) be a Wm. H. Crtesusbilt to enable me to pro\ide coolers lor the yf)ung man, lor he is sadly numerous, and j)ainfully mirthful. In the future, when one's mother-indaw visits him, she could be decoyed into the machine (l)y telling her nol to go ) and then — A refrigerator could thus be made to pay for itself in a very short time. I would like to go on for an hour or more and tlirow more glamour and other stationery upon this all-absorbing sul)ject, but my time, sad to say, will not permit me to (.'ulighten the world at larg'' upon this cool proposition. I must get to work on my I*Laster sermon. ■^^ /lousi'hold I/iiifs. IIOUSI'IIOLI) HINTS. DO not slec']) wIutc there is a draft. N'on can't most alwavs sometimes tell how soon the Itank will si:s|)cn(l, — that is, \vA\\<^ up. In selcctin^a cook, ilthe head of the house is of an affectionate (lispositicjn, choose one who has seen considerahk; trouble and whose teeth foot up to the t^rand total of three. Do not insist u|)o;i the hired girl's beinn; in at 12 o'clock at nii^ht. Von should, however, draw the line at 2 o'clock in the mornnim. Be virtuous and you will 1 ;■ happy. The |)resent fashion dic!;;tcs th;it i;entlemen sh(»uld not sit in their shirt sleeves when entertaininii visitors. When a severe cold has settled down into the l)n»nchi;il tubes of the coftk-stove, birch l)ark should be used in lieu of the ne\er- unloaded kerosene. They call rinn " licjuid poison;" vet I may safely say that kerosene has ruinetl more once-hap|)v home- steads than all the three-star intluence that was e\-er bottled. It is also more elevating' than the latter. Every housekeeper should know the names of the \arious poisons and their antidotes. When it is known that a person has swallowed some 1SS4 butter, buck-shot, in larj^c doses in water, must be giN'en ever\' 1-2 hour till I'elief or death comes. This is the only known antidote. SIkjuUI a person accidentally swallow a plate, or a fork, or an\' other cooking utensil, .he best counter-irritant is a large ba.ss- liook fastened to a clothes line and lowi red down into the ])atient's mouth. I'etter results may be obtained by magn( tixing the hook. \'()U should ne\'er bathe within two honis alter meals. This rule is rigidly adhered t(» by that well known migi-ato|-)' fowl, the tramp. To remove grease s|)ots from clothing, fu'st fmd \-om' grease spot. Then get a good, coarse file and remo\ c the tirst layer of 54 IloiiseJiold Hints. grease. This can be generally done in one-hour-and-a-half. The spot should then be sand-papered for 30 or 40 niinutcs till only a thin crust is left. This latter can bi; removed with a hatchet, at one yard, Marcjuis of Queensberry rules. I have tried the above receipt and lind it very efficacious. There is no better remedy for an acute attack of election than prohibition given in Neal-Dow doses. Ciive it a trial. When troubled with tom-cats of two hours' standing, ad- minister the following dose, viz.: "2 oz. \\. B. shot, and 6 dr. giant powder and apply." If properly a[)i)lied, relief invariably follows. vShould your house take lire, do not get unnecessarily excited. Place your insurance policies in your pocket, o|)en the l)ack door, and cut for the woods. If you have no insurance your only chance is to sue the V\xv Companv foi' breach of promise. In tacking (h^wn a carj)et, hire a man ; otherwise you will \\a\q a larger crop (»f loose fmger nails and intemperate language. The best thing for rats or mice is cheese. There is nothing they would rather have. To make a hotel sponge-cake, first get two ([uarts of sawdust. Too much time need not be spent in cleaning it ; rcner with water, :> d add extract of untold agony, 1-2 oun("e ; two tal)le- spoonfuls of medium-sized gravel ; stir, and set on the coldest j)art of the stove; in two or three weeks, when it has arrived at the boiling point, add four slices of inefilable misery, cut thin. After it has boiled for 10 or 12 da)s remove and serve. Very l)alatable. Try it. l"i n ?5 C a Tappings — Just Tapped. 55 TAPPINGS-lliST TAPPHl). I'^Ll FI^R KINS' Iriciuls explain it In- sayinj^ that, when he was J a child, he fell into a tub of concentrated lye. Smith's excuse for assaulting the spiritualist who was poking fun at him was, that he had always been tauj^ht to strike a hapi)y medium. A WRll'KK in a relij^ious paper says that beiii<^ alhjwed too much lil)erty is the chief cause of the ruin of so many serxant girls. What's the matter with kerosene, eh? " Mk. Bkown," saitl the lantllady, " why do you always call the cheese * Morocco leather ? ' " " Well, it's so bindinj^, you know." An Knglish weekly has its humorous column headed, " Liter- ary Ciems." An expert says they are composed entirely of paste — anil shears. 'TwAS a wealthy i)lumber To the rich man sent his bill. The rich man's now a drummer I'or an extensive sausaije-mi!l. " C.w'r x'ou fill the Uill ? " interroi,'^ated William as he tO(jk a seat in a reslainanl. " No; but I can fo<»t the Hill," rejoined the wearer (jI" the Koh-i-noor. It is recorded that William failed. The " Knights of the Key," Martha? Club nights, pet, club nights. " Sav. Jim, is that [Mcture of General Graham in the Toronto Cilobc an accurate one? I <'uess so. W TV The Aral)s were ilefeated, y<»u ncollect. Well?" Well." 56 Tappings — Just Tapped. |()m;s says tlial the chief (lirfirL'i^.cf iKlvvceii a somnaiiihulist and a policeman is, tiial ihc lonnc'r walks in his sleep, while the latter vice versa, so to speak. TlIK \'eiy latest one is, that tin- editor aro.se from his virtuous couch and helpi-cl the burglar search till morning, when arranj^e- nients were made to continue the search the next ni^ht. WilKNcic the silence ol" VA Mahdi VVisj;j:>ins ? This is the season ol the year to Mecca prophecy. A man that couldn't pretlicl weather this month should not be V'ennor-rated at all. 'riii;Ki'. is a tide in the allairs ol" l)ankruj)ts, which, taken at lo [)er cat., leads on to diamonds and a brown stone Iront. Tiil'-Ki; was a y(am_i; man dro\e a hearse Who from bad went (|uickly (.(» wearse, lie thouj^ht it (juite ha'd Wh( II he turnetl the wron:^ card, .And arose iVom his chair with a cearse. 'rilK disadvantage of not bein^ sufficiently \ersed in the late lamented lan_t;uai;es was /ore//'/]' illuslraietl here the other day. A stranger was standing near the posl-oltice, and we all knew, instinctively, that he was a Fren>':hman. So we detailed young- Smith to start the conxersational ball and welcome the waif to Tai)ville. Smith approached tiie foreigner as follows, ' /)0/i si(i/\ Sonn . Sciah'ia /tors dc combat est saiii^ f'oid diptonia sunt et ottieneisi' t/'nitH\ov /'' The man from " forring " parts looked at .S. for about three scc(jnds, and then the circumambient atmosphere was suddenlv filled with \ernal mud and revoKing Smith. " l^'raps that'll teach \-ou teow n smai'ties not to be tiwi)erevi//.v," rc-marked the hreMclinian from Cole's Island, as he i)icke(l his tooth with a shingle nail. Smith would like to know where he c:an get a bottle of St. Jacob's Oil and a Hebrew dictionary. Etcetera. 57 HTCHTI-RA. ^ YOUN(i MAN in Colorado, who is tcndini; a bar, writes il home that the vvaj^es of sin are $15 a week, ami find yourself. " Father, what do you call a man that works for an agent ?" " A sub-ajrent, my son ; but why do you ask ? " " Well, it he is a sub-ai^ent, is a tlude that works f(jr another a sub-dude ? " " A dude, my child, never works. Maria, please put this child to rest for the night." The main difference between a llock of crows and a young wife's hrst dinner is that one is a cawing rookery, and the other is wrong cookery. Next ! " TcDipns fuoit^ time Hies." said the bald-headed man. '' J'^uniit tcnipus, flies' time," he addetl, making a vicious onslaught on one. " I say, Jim, why am a hoss-race jedge like apple juice ?" " Well, Joe, why aui a jedge of a hoss-race like apple juce? I gub it up." " Why, Jim, ain't he de-cider ? Te he, te he ! " A good many young (and okl) men of the present generation, if weighed in the balance, would be found wanton. A young man in Tapville recently hit upon an excellent sub- terfuge to cure? j)crsons who chronically borrow their chewing- tobacco. He procured a piece of leather of the requisite size and shape and colored it black ; after which he saturated it in a solu- tion of tobacco leaves. Fastening a tin tobacco tag to the leather, he sallied forth. ICntering a group near the post office, he joined in the conversation, making a spicy original remark to the effect that we had had considerable weather lately. Presently one of the number cleared his throat and obserxed that he would ofier no serious objections to taking a "chaw." After hanging off for a while, Jones offered him the plug of leather. The otTeree took it and, placing a corner in his teeth, gave a wrench — not a monkey- 5S Etcetera. wrench, iK-itlier a skate-wivnch. hut just a |)lain wrench. I was not tlu If inyscir, hut tlu-y say tlial the look ol" horritied surprise that ()'ers|)rea(l liis cijuntenance was woilh Sicoo to an artist, or kals(,'n-i.ur. lie tried to exaniinr thi' li^; of hoot-Ict; in thi- (Hni, i;-o\ernnient Hjulit eiiianatinin from t'le V. (). window, and shoved it into his nioutli a^ain, and |)ulled. llis eyi-s henan to stick out I 13-7,7 inches, while the I'ords ol' both wrists seemed as it" ai)out to snap. TIr- rest ol" \\\v hoys were heniiuiinL; to think that their presence wouhl he retjuired at an incjuesl, when soinetliiu!^^ seemed to "inive," as it were. The youn.^ man's iiantls Hew Irom liis moutli anil sent the />.sv7^fi('<-'-tol)acco across the street, while a set ol commercial teeth soared through the P. ( ). door and smote Lew Taplcy in the small of tiir hack, and the proprietor of the teeth drop]»ed in a hank of driven mud. Jones crossed tlu' street, and pickin!4 I'P l''^' piece of leather, sauntereil up to W. R. Roh- ortson's st(»re, where a crowd was collected. Upon arriving; there, it was not loni; before he was ai^ain reciuested to ti;^i\'e a "chew" to a youn_t; man, a youii^ ( k'rman this time. After jrrkinm at the leadier for about li\'e minutes and twenty feet, the l\'Uton re- marked, " Mein ( iott in llinnnel ! Lickety kerslaptz ! 140 brauj^h donnerwettcr heidseick doba^^o, ji^^dety siammerun Dante's In- ferno !" He e\en used worse lan^uai^e tlvui that, but it would not do to repeat it here, lest .1 should brini^- the clergy ck>wn ujjou my devoted hat. Any person thirstini; foi' anmsenunt and mirth- environed hilarity had belter i;et a |)iece of leather and tr)' the above remedv. I le will have acci>mplished some j^ood anyway. Good cvoiiiii^'. A very satl thini; happened at a circus in Tap\ille recently. I refer to the laughter at the remarks of the clown. If there is one thinn more tlian another that we shoukl do, it is to properly respect old a_i;e. l*rol)al)ly the majority of those i)eople would blush, or at least try to, if they were cauL^ht ridiculini^ t)ne of Washington's 63 colored nurses, or one of the S47 survivors of the terrible Balaclava charge-. \\t these same individuals entered that circus pavilion, passed around in Iront ot the lemonade and l)eanul stand, sat down, and hearllessK' and ciuelly laui^hed at the !:; re)' -haired, emaciated and sere-and-yellowdeaf bursts of humor Uttered by the clown. ( )f a verity, we are det^enerating'. was rise , or lim, vvd out ')Ut U'ir led his set ote the ■et. )i)- re, Jie e- n- lOt iiy le y- IS ly Id Ol OI 1(1 K'