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HUM 
 
 Printed 
 
H 
 
 AND (yi'HKR RHYMES, 
 
 HUMOROUS AMD SATIRICAL, 
 
 BY 
 
 JOHN SHEPMTNRTER. 
 
 
 ■mm. 
 
 
 rinted for the Proprietor by TniMs, Mooit .V Co., 
 
 1884. 
 
 i>,. 
 
: ^ 
 
 Enterea according to Act of Parliauiout of Canada in the Omce of the] 
 Minister of Agriculture by Jameb Lkk. of the City of Toronto iu 
 the year 1884. ^ 
 
PREFACE, 
 
 A short perforniJiiice needs but a pi'olof^'iio brief. 
 
 And as I bold the opinion or belief, 
 
 Prose pi*efaces to verse are oft unread, 
 
 Y'ou here have one in measured words instead. 
 
 As craftsmen show their varied work for sale, 
 
 I offer mine, in satire— simple tale ; 
 
 Declaring it has always been my wish 
 
 To serve no bitterness in first named dish. 
 
 Throughout there are some blemishes I know, 
 
 Or say defects, and may be errors too. 
 
 For these just now indulgence is desired, 
 
 (The hand and brain will both sometimes grow tired) 
 
 And in extenuation let me plead — 
 
 In mitigation also, if there's need, 
 
 Conditions under which mv lines were writ 
 
 Were not propitious to evoking wit. 
 
 No weak complaints 'gainst Providence or Tate, 
 
 Have I the least intention here to state ; 
 
 The reader's but desired to bear in mind 
 
 What in this simple metaphor he'll find ; 
 
 Too oft, when aid from muse I would call forth, 
 
 I've found the aspect of my situation North. 
 
 Of this enough ; if well received my song 
 
 The reader and my verse will meet again ere long. 
 
 t * 
 
 ' '>. 
 
i, 
 
 n 
 
 n 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 I- — The Iron Pony 
 
 Il.—Parsimony and Pine Planks 
 
 III.-The Origin of Man by Evolution .... 
 
 * ZH 
 
THE IRON PONY. 
 
 jiiU^'estious of chanf,'e in cavalry service. • Dedicated to the 
 Hon. M. Caron, Minister of INIilitia. 
 
 L 
 
 'I'lie railway en^finc, sir, as all well know, 
 
 Is called the Iron Horse, and if 'tis " ^o " 
 
 That's caused the useful thing to be so named, 
 
 This nomenclature is not to be blamed. 
 
 Jiut while thus far the steed is superseded, 
 
 For speed and draught combined, at times much needed. 
 
 No metal substitute has vet been found 
 
 To save him in a charge from gash or wound. 
 
 In olden times 'tis true he was secured. 
 
 In parts at least from cut and thrust of sword ; 
 
 Where all exposed in front he often wore 
 
 Stout armour in the tourney or at war. 
 
 Besides, no knight or trooper worth the name, 
 
 Would ever wilfully, of purpose, maim 
 
 The noble animal that bore his foe ; 
 
 His aim was but to lay the rider low. 
 
 Since then great changes have occurred in war. 
 
 The arms used now are not just what they were ; 
 
 The deadly tubes that throw cold iron or lead 
 
 Make no distinction 'tween the man and steed : 
 
 (Jn both alike destruction's hurled around, 
 
 While mangled, dying, man and horse bestrew the ground. 
 
 To mitigate these ills in future times 
 
 Is here attempted in these homely rhymes. 
 
6 
 
 TU\: IRON I'ON'V. 
 
 M 
 
 1 
 
 I 
 
 Tliivjti^'li (luiot eonntry lotids on siunmor eves. 
 
 ())• later in tlie season, \v!ien the leaves 
 
 Have chaiif^ed tlieir jLjrcen for purjjle, oranji^'e, ytillow 
 
 When tiovverw are fading', fniits are ^n)\vin^ mellow ; 
 
 The ancient dame n wtiy to hr)iise of prayer, 
 
 Or perha[)K r<;tuniin<^ to her housrOiold oare. 
 
 Of late lias sometimes felt alarm or start, 
 
 That caused the pulse to (piicken at the heart. 
 
 Swift, as if bo?'n(! by gallant racin.iLj steed, 
 
 A foi'm has passed her on the i-oad with speed; 
 
 The a[)]>arition oi' wliate'erit was. 
 
 As seen tliron^h [)ebble spectacles or j^Iass, 
 
 A certain space was hii^h above the road — 
 
 No foot of horse or man on eailh there trod, • 
 
 And yet no means of motion had she seen 
 
 Hesides a little flash of silvery slieen. 
 
 That to her failin<^ sij^dit did merely seem 
 
 A ^limmerin^ tlirous^h the trees of brij^ht moonlxiani. 
 
 Arrived at length all weary at her home. 
 
 Her story as above went round the room ; 
 
 Was heard by all with wonder and attention, 
 
 With ears wide oi^>en, necks at fullest tension ; 
 
 When one, with face pale as a sn(iwclad icicle, 
 
 I'iXc.'laimed, " Why, grandma, 'twas a lx3y and bicyck 
 
 III. 
 
 The tiash, or sheen, that to the dame appeared 
 
 An apparition, ghost, or si)ectre weird, 
 
 'Tis here proposed to utilize in war 
 
 B^or mounted troops, instead of horse or mare 
 
 The Iron Pony, sir, it may be named, 
 
 The horse being as you know already claimed. 
 
 To be effective it must be well built. 
 
 It may be handsome too — no need of gilt — 
 
 And part for ornament, in front we'll place 
 
 The lion, king of beasts of warlike race ; 
 
THE IkON PONY. 
 
 Tlioii^'h Home iJiHvhei'L' objt'ct, wliy not tlir l);';ivrr 
 
 He's all our own, industrious jind clovor; 
 
 Most tJ'ue, but as a symbol picturin<4 war, 
 
 111 suited to tlie charactor T t'oar ; 
 
 Still, thtit our patriotism you luay rely on, 
 
 Well loavc a place for him b.-side the lion. 
 
 And part for ornament al)ove 'tis said : 
 
 l>iror't and level from the lion'i< h.vxd. 
 
 I'or use, there must ]iroj'}ct strai^^ht out m fi-ont 
 
 A weapon for attack, strong, k<'en, (not blunt) 
 
 In shape or fashion hke a spear or horn. 
 
 .\s had the old time fabled unicorn. 
 
 This weapon, juttin<^ from the lion's head, 
 
 Will serve the purpose of attack instead 
 
 Of sabre, or the cumbrous lance or spear ; 
 
 Thou^di as the enemy, tlie chartie draws near, 
 
 The lion's aim may now and then prove wide, 
 
 It is intended always to })rovide 
 
 The force with firearms handy at the side, 
 
 IV. 
 
 No great invention ever j'et was made, 
 From printing presses to a razor blade, 
 B^it met opponents to decry its worth ; 
 'Twould be impracticable, and so forth. 
 One fault we know is certain to be found 
 In our Iron Pony, otherwise all sound ; 
 However firm and staunch in motion set, 
 Wlien halting, it will scarcely keep its feet. 
 The objection does we own contain some weight, 
 The answer with all brevity we'll state ; 
 The coming Iron Pony, out of bicycle, 
 Will have another wheel, will be a tricycle. 
 The question also may be put, what gain 
 <>an be expected from this novel plan ? 
 When other nations will be free to use 
 The very system that we here propose. 
 
 :a 
 
y> 
 
 IHK IKON I'ONV. 
 
 Home force tlioro is in this well timed (jbjectioit. 
 
 hut 'tis forestalled, as after due rellection 
 
 We deemed it prudent to constdt a friend, 
 
 J)esirinj^' of liim liis best aid to lend. 
 
 This fi-icnd, a nieniher of the Peace Society 
 
 Whose aims ai'e marked by judiiment, sense, propi 
 
 Asijures us 'tis resolved to or^ani/.e 
 
 A sclieme thii,t the whoh; world shall rec»)^ni/e : 
 
 A universal L^rand association, 
 
 To settle all disputes by tirbitration ; 
 
 And that, 'tis also held in contem])lation 
 
 To set up a }^reat court of registration. 
 
 Where all inventions of wide application 
 
 May he on fih;, protected from invasion. 
 
 That while opposed to every sort of war, 
 
 As members of tliis corp(^ration are ; 
 
 Yet, as our system is a miti«,'ation. 
 
 Of pain or suffering' 'monji^ the h>rute creation. 
 
 They think our pla)\ deser\es to be protected. 
 
 And <^narantee our ri^'hts shall be respected. 
 
 ] k 
 
 V. 
 
 The clianj^e will prove a saving, that's of course. 
 
 Just as a pony costs less than a horse : 
 
 Jiesides the lesser price of our new steed. 
 
 You'll note tlie important fact, he'll want no feed 
 
 Releasing thus vast (juantities of lurage, 
 
 Of which the Celt and Gael can make their porridge 
 
 Tlie ceieal to which we here alhide, 
 
 Y'^ou know by them is highly prized as food ; 
 
 Though evil tongues have said (Lord, how men lie). 
 
 That in these regions they prefer the rye. 
 
 The cost, however, is not all the gain 
 
 To be effected by our novel plan ; 
 
 The pains our equine friends in war endure. 
 
 For which no humane rider knows a cure, 
 
 By our invention are near all prevented — 
 
iHK IRON FONV. 
 
 « 
 
 Tilt' liorse'H huHiiiohs in u chui'^o is eiidrd. 
 'I'lic soldier's tnulv iiid'jod, nwiy soinctinieM dull, 
 Or cjoiid llic fiiu>r fccKnf^K of the soul : 
 liiit still tlir liuiubl' .t private of the force 
 I -> pitincd ut si^'lit of suffering' of his horse; 
 Adopt the ch!inL,'e proposed byour new phiii. 
 N' Imri'owin^' sif^ht of steed hut jmrtly sluiii, 
 In torture lin^'ei'in;^, dyin^' on the phiin ; 
 (ir u'lilhmt hearing' throu^'h the toils of hottest fray, 
 \) that i>la(!k soaven«,'er, the hu/zard. left a jtrcy. 
 
 VI, 
 
 So much, sir, is premised of our new steed, 
 
 I'lir further chan,L(eK thou<^h we have tuuch need ; 
 
 Tlu' forest of tall "iai)les, ^roen oi" sere. 
 
 Needs arms to wield tlie axe instead if sp(,'ur ; 
 
 The I'olliiu, prairie wide extended hfoad, 
 
 \<'(;ds hands to hold tlie plouj^h and not the .•^^v(l|•d ; 
 
 Henceforth our hardy sons we may release 
 
 I'roni toils of war, parade or drill in peace ; 
 
 The substitution that we have in view, 
 
 As well as horse, releases rider too ; 
 
 The mandate to " replenish and ;iub(hie." 
 
 'I'he earth mav now receive all honoui- due. 
 
 VII. 
 
 If then the hardy riders we displace, 
 
 By whom is it proposed to till their place ; 
 
 The plan when heard may cause a smile (no lau<,'hl 
 
 Of all the race, you know that man's but half ; 
 
 " Lord of creation " thoui,'h he's called lii pride, 
 
 He may remember women too can ride ; 
 
 When man's dismounted, citizens and chnrls, 
 
 Say, can you tell, \v'liy not set up the twirls? 
 
10 
 
 I'HK IRON PONY. 
 
 
 VIII. 
 
 Much talk, and not a little printer's ink. 
 With lai'f^e p-taiions of an Eastern drink, 
 Have been expended over wordy fights, 
 pjuforcinf^ or defendinj^ woman's rights. 
 It is asserted, in set terms averred, 
 That half the human race are all debarred 
 From certain occupations oi- professions ; 
 From theatres, in hospitals, law sessions ; 
 From helping carve fine subjects into pieces. 
 Or sheep, by lej^al clippers lose their fleeces ; 
 All these, with certain ills of politic and state. 
 We are informed our sisters wish us to abate. 
 
 IX. 
 
 Your claims, my injured friends, we grant at once. 
 
 Of your pretensions do not bate an ounce ; 
 
 The opposition that your souls doth vex. 
 
 From men, and some old women the same sex, 
 
 Is too well known, and what these people fear, 
 
 Is that your perseverance, skill, may bear 
 
 The laurel from their brow ; the snug, warm seat 
 
 May have to be surrendered in defeat. 
 
 To show you that with your views we coincide, 
 
 "Tis here proposed in full to set aside 
 
 For yoa, one branch of military art, 
 
 In all which only bearded folk take part. 
 
 Objections may be made to this concession, 
 
 That what we yield is not worth your possession ; 
 
 That war, with all its hardships, is unfit 
 
 For woman's tender nature, no way meet, 
 
 That less than manhood's strength can not be found 
 
 Sufficient in the field to hold the ground. 
 
 The first objection is not answered here. 
 
 In proper place it will be made appear, 
 
 A thousand maidens will soon volunteer 
 
 To join the force ; no pressing will be needed, 
 
THE IRON PONY. 
 
 II 
 
 No invitation will be passed unheeded.. 
 
 The next objection may be fairly met, 
 
 The strength our troops require lies in the feet. 
 
 The scene that one may witness every day, 
 
 At social party, hup, or ball, or play, 
 
 Where fragile forms disp(n't their limber heels. 
 
 Tlie question settles ; the observer feels 
 
 That all such nimble, dextrous, pretty feet 
 
 May be relied on in advance or for vetre:ii. 
 
 Pliilosophers and bookish men may say 
 
 The mode of living of the p)-esent day 
 
 Has rendered woman weakly, all unlit. 
 
 The dangers, hardships of the held to meet. 
 
 To these well meaning men we nuike reply. 
 
 On theories we do not much relv, 
 
 *■' ' 
 
 The men of action, both in peace and war. 
 
 Who know wdiat women and gunpowder are — 
 
 Yi)ur pardon, ladies, for the terms we use. 
 
 The haste to rhyme with war is our excuse ; 
 
 'No satire on one's temper was intended, 
 
 And if not liked, next issue we can mend it — 
 
 All these are well informed of woman's merit. 
 
 The lack of strength may be supplied by spirit ; 
 
 And certain veteran troopers we have known. 
 
 Who had seen some well drilled regiments overthrown. 
 
 Had rather charge the cannon of Von Krupp, 
 
 Than she battalions when the blood is up. 
 
 \ 
 
 'Jb. 
 
 The great momentous question of the claim,* 
 Or " rights of woman " — never mind the name - 
 All being settled, 'tis our proper course 
 To show the sources whence to obtain the force. 
 You doubtless, sir, have seen at various times. 
 Set forth in prose, or' perhaps in florid rhymes, 
 The yearnings of those ladies of strong mind, 
 Wlio towards, a wider sphere are well inclined; 
 
1 2 
 
 THE IRON PONV 
 
 i H 
 
 : 
 
 ! t 
 
 Your tempting offers these will ne'er resist, 
 
 By hundreds they'll he ready to enlist. 
 
 Besides those in the class ahove embraced, 
 
 Is that less numerous one, by fortune placed, 
 
 Beyond the need of toil for daily bread — 
 
 Born on a higher plane, gently bred. 
 
 Whose infant mouths were fed with golden spoon, 
 
 Instead of baser metal or plain horn. 
 
 Amongst these favoured fair ones will be found 
 
 Numbers dissatisfied with daily round 
 
 Of little pleasures of our modern life — 
 
 All with conventionality at strife. 
 
 We feel assured, sir, these will be most eager 
 
 To see a little of camp life or leaguer, 
 
 If these two ranks, however, do not yield 
 
 Suflicient numbers to place in the field, 
 
 A larger and more numerous class exists 
 
 Who'll be found willing to make up our lists. 
 
 XL 
 
 In city, town, or in the rural village, 
 
 'Midst hum of busy street or healthful tillage, 
 
 Are seen, if not in this, in other lands. 
 
 Unnumbered maidens ready to our hands; 
 
 Besides young comely widows, also wives. 
 
 Industrious as winged labourers in hives. 
 
 In brave attempt to gain their daily bread 
 
 From morn to night with needle and with thread. 
 
 With all this labour, diligence or toil. 
 
 The livelong day, or by the nightly oil, 
 
 Such is the scant remunerative dole, 
 
 Some scarce can keep the body joined to soul ; 
 
 The former gtown so spare, attenuated 
 
 (One might say lean, the terms are near related) 
 
 That put them in the field where shot and shell 
 
 Are falling quick and thick all round, pellmell, 
 
 The chances are, ten thousand to an ace, 
 
THE IRON PONY. 
 
 '3 
 
 But few would ever find their destined place ; 
 
 No marksman yet who ever aimed at post, 
 
 Was known to hurt a shadow or a ghost ; 
 
 Here, sir, is the material we require 
 
 To stand invulnerable under fire ; 
 
 While as for numbers, you may well rely, 
 
 There never will be lack in the supply. 
 
 ■--■-'■- XII. : * - 
 
 The term for the enrolment of the force 
 Will follow here in order or due course. 
 'Tis not proposed our ladies shall enlist 
 For a set term of years, by statute fixed ; 
 Each member shall be free from bond or thrall, 
 To obey, with proper notice, Hymen's call ; 
 Provided always, and in every case, 
 A substitute be found to fill her place. 
 The standard rule of service then shall be. 
 Till matrimony sets each member free ; 
 For 'tis as certain as decree of fate, 
 That every volunteer will find a mate ; 
 None rank or file, whatever be her grade, 
 Neea ever fear the stigma of old maid. 
 The charms for which our fair are widely famed, 
 Through this and neighbouring lands, need but be named ; 
 The blending of the tribes of old world race. 
 Of stalwart manly form and female grace, 
 All aided by the stimulus of clime, 
 And ripened as the sure effect of time, 
 Have here produced a style of radiant face, 
 Till now, almost unknown in modern days. 
 Superb, however, as this beauty is. 
 If it be possible it will increase. 
 The healthful exercise in open air, 
 In evolutions of parade and war. 
 Combined with increased consciousness of worth, 
 That every woman will possess henceforth — 
 2 
 
14 
 
 THE IRON PONY. 
 
 { 8 
 
 All this, with confidence we now submit, - 
 Is certain to enhance her beauty, wit ; 
 So that when seen careering on the field, 
 All hearts, unless of flint, will surely yield. 
 While armed and smiling from her lofty seat, 
 A thousand suitors will be at her feet ; 
 The suppliants will oft be cast aside 
 As all the fair relentless, onward ride. 
 Relations of the sexes will be changed. 
 Hymeneal matters must be rearranged ; 
 The lady knowing she is more than peer 
 Of man, in what he deems his proper sphere. 
 May make of every day a short leap year ; 
 Instead of vvaiting for his proffered hand. 
 Imperially may issue her command. 
 But should the hirsute biped fail to yield 
 Obedience, she will still command the field ; 
 While not outraging delicacy, may. 
 At any given signal, in bropd day. 
 Reverse the ancient Roman-Sabine plan, 
 Appropriating her own favoured man — 
 In formal, autocratic tones of royalty, 
 Express her wish to have a consort's loyalty. 
 
 ' . XIII. 
 
 -It must be understood — rule absolute — 
 
 Na wife will be admitted a recruit ; ' 
 
 'Tis true, the husbands might be held as sureties 
 
 For proper conduct of the absent beauties — 
 
 Their presence home requires for other duties. 
 
 Besides, when absent, leagues on the frontier. 
 
 The wives might be distracted by the fear. 
 
 That when defending hearth from scathe and evil, 
 
 Their lords at home might play the very d 1. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 The numbers of the force being all enrolled. 
 The next part in the plan we here unfold. 
 
THE IRON PONY. 
 
 A few battalions in the event of war — 
 
 For which in peace, you know, we should prepare- 
 
 Will be required, for that most dangerous post, 
 
 To lead the outset of the attacking host. 
 
 You know what great importance is attached, 
 
 The opportunity with keenness watched. 
 
 To striking first the most effective blow 
 
 On centre of the all-reliant foe ; : 
 
 The greatest captains both on land and sea, 
 
 Have made good use of this said strategy ; 
 
 While England's Nelson oft in deep blue water. 
 
 In this way made the enemy cry quarter ; 
 
 The Meteor of Corsica, we know, 
 
 Would maze or daze the wide extended foe — 
 
 Swift, as the angry thunder from above. 
 
 Fall on the wavering line whose ranks he clove. 
 
 Important though as these manoeuvres are. 
 
 They may bring risk in carrying on the war ; 
 
 Say that the foe is all divided, broke, 
 
 At centre of the line, by one bold stroke 
 
 All foiled and hurt, disorder in his ranks. 
 
 He yet may rally and attack your flanks ; * 
 
 Then, if your column any weakness show, 
 
 Your strategy may prove your overthrow. - * 
 
 For this prescribed advance in our new force, • 
 
 It is intended always to make choice 
 
 Of troops adapted well to stand their ground, • 
 
 Though hail of shot or shell are falling round ; 
 
 By hundreds they'll be ready to enlist 
 
 From that large class third mentioned in our list. 
 
 H 
 
 ' '. ' ' ■ XV. " : /' ■ '-. ^ 
 
 A thousand times, emphatic, with much stress, 
 H&h been declared from platform and the press, 
 How girls, who work in cotton, wool or shoddy. 
 Can not togethe) Hoop the soul and body ; 
 Here, sir, is the n a serial that we need 
 
t6 
 
 THii IRON PONV. 
 
 I t 
 
 Is 
 
 To place in the front rank and take the lead. 
 
 Grant what these oracles have said as true, 
 
 Then is it plain as four's the square of two, 
 
 That either moiety will suit our case, . 
 
 Exactly fitted for the dangerous place. 
 
 For the material part, 'twas made appear, 
 
 And needs but just a bare allusion here. 
 
 How few its chances are of being hurt 
 
 By any storm or hail of shell and shot ; . 
 
 Then, for the other immaterial half. 
 
 There is authority in its behalf ; 
 
 That mortal man, whatever his intentions. 
 
 It may defy, and all his fell inventions. 
 
 XVI. 
 
 A subject now, of import not a little, 
 
 'Tis here in order to discuss and settle ; ^' 
 
 Decision, very difficult to render. 
 
 To make it pleasing to the female gender ; 
 
 The business, sir, is neither more nor less 
 
 Than ordering of the uniform or dress. 
 
 Mature deliberation and much thought, 
 
 Have wrought out the conclusion that we ought, 
 
 On this grave question, to allow the force 
 
 To settle the affair by its own choice ; 
 
 We'll but intrude a little to suggest 
 
 The colours, that we think will be the best. 
 
 All those who are inclined to Albion's hues 
 
 Can take their choice of various shades of blues ; 
 
 For Erin's daughters we'll insert the green, - 
 
 No fairer tint in nature's face is seen ; 
 
 And those who love old France's stainless white, 
 
 May see the lily's colour in full sight. 
 
 But Scotia's maidens must not be left out, 
 
 Their sires were never backward in the rout ; 
 
 Though mentioner'. last, 'tis no intended slight, 
 
 Their forbears ever foremost in the fight. 
 
The iron pony. 
 
 17 
 
 For these the various tartans we'll display, 
 
 Ignoring gaudy, while appearing gay. 
 
 The emblematic hues we here describe 
 
 As representing nation, clan, or tribe. 
 
 Shall be displayed on one clear common ground, 
 
 The beat agreeing colour to be found. 
 
 For further ornament, a wreath entwined, 
 
 Of flowers, with a well known plant combined. 
 
 Shall be encircled on the lion's neck, 
 
 'Twill not the least impede him in attack. 
 
 The rose of beauty, and the thistle stern, 
 
 P'rom Scotia's land of mountain, rock and bourne. 
 
 With shamrocks of old Erin ever green,. 
 
 And lilies, in one garland shall be seen. 
 
 XVII. 
 
 The next, a very nice point to decide,' 
 
 Is on the mode in which our troops shall ride. 
 
 With confidence, we trust to be absolved, 
 
 From slightest wish to be the least involved 
 
 In matters, too recondite for our powers. 
 
 Or any business that is none of ours ; 
 
 The question that's to be decided here. 
 
 Is for side saddle or en cavalier ; * 
 
 And while we know that many will defend 
 
 The former mode, and for its use contend — 
 
 If skill and ease in riding be the test, 
 
 We now submit the latter will be best ; 
 
 Though some may still a diffeiont verdict render, 
 
 And bar the subject 'gainst the whole male gender. 
 
 The mode of equitation that we choose. 
 
 Has much to recommend it to our use ; — 
 
 And first, with proper deference we suomit 
 
 The saddle masculine has the firmer seat ; 
 
 Again, the left hand has a better chance 
 
 To guide the steed when ordered to advance ; 
 
 And all experienced horsemen will agree, 
 
 
i8 
 
 THE IRON PONY. 
 
 A 
 
 1 ill 
 
 The right hand for defence will be more free ; 
 
 Also, when any of our squadrons fair 
 
 Shall meet the enemy in line or square, 
 
 The flashing eye shall strike him fair in front — 
 
 A stroke, all telling in the battle's brunt. 
 
 With these considerations in its favor, 
 We trust our fair troops will decide, not waver. 
 In their adoption of the plan proposed. 
 That the vexed question may be settled, closed. 
 Besides, the method that we advocate, 
 Has the advantage of more ancient date,* 
 Our old time grandams never rode side-saddle. 
 And felt no shame to mount a horse astraddle ; 
 Then last, not least, our ladies wo'nt forget 
 The most important matter mentioned yet ; 
 They'll gain what all the sex has long desired, 
 A goal towards which all women have aspired ; 
 A prize more valuable than titles, riches. 
 The undisputed right to wear the breeches. 
 
 I % 
 
 iiiiil 
 
 , ''''^1 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 From our last stanza, that is towards the end, 
 If what is said be true (we know it can't offend) 
 The settlement appointing the commands, c 
 W^ill prove of great concern to our fair friends. 
 
 Ill fortune dodge the man would dare to write- 
 His work shall never prosper, day or night — 
 That nature's wondrous, comprehensive plan 
 Makes woman of a lower state than man ; 
 Grant Heaven's bounty equally bestowed. 
 That both alike in whole have been endowed ; 
 The gifts of each may hold a diverse course, 
 
 ♦The side-saddle is understood to have been introduced into fJ 
 land in the reign of Richard II. " Queen Anne, wife of that mouarij 
 taught the English women to ride on the side-saddle, when, as herei 
 fore, they rid astride." — Remains concerning Britain, 1611. 
 
THE IRON PONY. 
 
 19 
 
 While equal in the full amount of force ; 
 
 In feeling, fancy too, by nature's plan. 
 
 The woman may be more endued than man ; 
 
 While he in turn, here ladies no offence, 
 
 May gain a little in some other sense. 
 
 With proper deference to the better halves, 
 
 And no way arrogating to ourselves. 
 
 We think the bearded half of the creation 
 
 May be best fitted for the leader's station ; 
 
 'Tis therefore, sir, proposed for your approval, 
 
 Subject, of course, to your control, removal, 
 
 The post of colonel ond the chief commander, 
 
 Be filled by members of the virile gender. 
 
 'Tis also patent to the simplest mind. 
 
 And plain to every biped not quite blind. 
 
 To ensure the proper working of our plan 
 
 These chiefs must all be thorough married men. . 
 
 i^dmitting that 'tis possible to find 
 Some ladies masculine of heart and mind. 
 Endowed with strength beyond the common rule. 
 Adapted to command, direct control ; 
 Yet 'tis no base reflection on the sex — 
 Their equanimity we would not vex — • ' 
 To say that in some trifling thing we fear, 
 That in the field a weak point might appear ; 
 Her toilet even, so momentous is. 
 She might forget to order up supplies ; 
 Howe'er refined a woman's appetite, 
 'Tis certain, unless fed she could not fight. 
 One other item we may mention — time. 
 In war of great importance sometimes prime ; 
 'Tis not intended to enumerate 
 The occasions when a lady is too late, 
 The consequence of lapse in this we know, 
 It need not be enlarged upon just now ; 
 The Iron Duke himself in his last field. 
 Had cause to feel the truth of what's here held 
 
do 
 
 THK IRON PONY. 
 
 i . 
 
 A different chapter had been writ of Waterloo, 
 Had not Von Blucher promptly* sent on Von Bulow. 
 
 XIX. 
 
 Assume the roll complete, ten thousand strong, 
 
 Of comely maidens mixed with widows young ; 
 
 Equipped by regiments, two or three brigades — 
 
 Material substances, ethereal shades — 
 
 The whole, a true embodiment of force. 
 
 Surpassing far our present man and horse, 
 
 A match for old King Fritz' big grenadiers, 
 
 Or even great Napoleon's cuirassiers. 
 
 The trumpets sound the charge, forward they rush. 
 
 At one rude shock the opposing host to crush ; 
 
 Swift as the greyhound from the leash set free. 
 
 They cross the plain direct as wings the bee ; 
 
 No thundering sound is heard their tread beneath, 
 
 Onward, all silent as the shaft of death. 
 
 They near the foe, no clang of steel is heard ; 
 
 The latter, panic striken as a herd, 
 
 Have turned their backs, all in confusion fled ; 
 
 The stoutest dare not face the lion's head. 
 
 Thus far at present, sir, of our suggestion. 
 Much still is left unsaid upon the question ; 
 Should you and our fair friends approve the plan, 
 With your permission, sir, we'll write again. 
 
 Note. — Of the three pieces contained in this pamphlet the forepoinsl 
 was the last written. The author feels bound to state in justice tol 
 himself, that want of time and unfavourable circumstances have pie-l 
 vented him from carrying out in full his original design. He hoiiesl 
 to have an opportunity, sooner or later, of republishing the piece in a| 
 revised and improved form. 
 
 *The author here writes from memory, having no history of thel 
 times at hand. If correct it iwas known to the French as early as tlvej 
 o'clock on the eighteenth that the Prussian advance under Bulowj 
 some 15,000 men, were not far off. 
 
;r. 
 
 Iparsimony and pine 
 
 PLANKS. 
 
 Dedicated to Uie Coiintv Council of 
 
 hv full Council aftAenibled about half past ten, 
 VIk'U the warden was seated and mending his pen; 
 litli a laudable thrift he chose (juills for his use, 
 )t Ills pens and his dinner both off the same <^oose. 
 
 Mie thst work taken up when routine was dispatched,'^ 
 Vus a lon^ looked for tiedglinj* the Council had hatched, 
 
 proposal for sidewalks thi'oughout a rou,t,'h road, 
 '() he made of red pine all well seasoned and i^ood. 
 
 )t the need of the measure there could be no doubt ; 
 
 !'l!f main question was this, " would the funds bear tlieni out;'"* 
 
 hich all led to much talk of the width of the planks. 
 If the tillinj.; of holes, and the levelling of banks. 
 
 Ivery man in the county who rode on shank's mare, 
 lIuI the owners of horses and cai'ts a fair ^li-iro, 
 [ad petitioned the Council to have the work done ; " 
 'he improvement no doubt 'twas high time sliould go on. 
 
 Mister A. then uprose and proposed that four feet. 
 Be the width of sound plank, free of knots, trim and neat* 
 blister A. was a man of broad, liberal views. * 
 
 Liid nniintained that this plank was the n\fht si/e to use. 
 
 But to this was objected at once the ex})ense. 
 [^Twas absurd, past all reason, beyond common sense ; 
 >iuli extravagance no county funds could support. 
 rile wiiole people would rise, cut tlieir work and plank short. 
 
 'cxt ill turn Mister B., quite a moderate man, 
 :)i a trimmer, may be, on Lord Halifax's plan; 
 ill tlie fear the whole scheme might incur a defeat, 
 Would a compromise take, would accept of two feet. 
 
 3- 
 
 fl 
 
22 
 
 PAKSINfONV. AND PFNE PI.ANKS. 
 
 To tliL'He tei'JUK ;i majoiity would have tij^it'od, 
 liut tlu! next speaker, C, not an iueli would exeeed. 
 Of tlie slaiidaid once fixed in ids mind for ihe woi-k — 
 •lust twelve inehes, one foot, lineal measure, the mark. 
 
 In the Conneil this member had very j,'reat weij^ht. 
 And was w(^!ilthy to Ijoot, lield nuirlv landcul estate ; 
 As ;i speakei', was sure of (;omman(hn^' a heai'iri^', 
 Tliouui' his policy often wan known as " choose i)ai"inji." 
 
 While in hodily stren^^th he was no way robust. 
 He had minli i)(>iseveranee in wliicli to put trust ; 
 Thouu'li a Tory in principle, when he thoui^'ht tit. 
 He would hold to his views and show plenty of i,'rit. 
 
 As thus, addressing,' first the cliair, 
 
 Then lookinj^ round with frowning stare ; 
 
 l\!.\tendin^' next hi-; dexter lumd. 
 
 He spake in terms of reprimand : — 
 
 "Full twenty years have I sat here, 
 
 But never thouj^ht to live to hear 
 
 IvKpressed so little due re^'ard, ^ 
 
 l^'oi' interests you are sent to ^uai'd. 
 
 St)me members I have heard to-day, 
 
 I very much rej^'et to say, 
 
 Appear to view the county treasure 
 
 As if exhaustleas, had no measure. 
 
 If you to-day make this award. 
 
 Next year you'll feel tlie taxes hard. 
 
 Besides, I hold the work's not needed 
 
 j\lore than I^ake Erie to be weeded. 
 
 Iiai"<,'e numbers of our folk, thank God, 
 
 (!an keep a horse upon the f(jad ; - 
 
 While as for those who ^o on foot, 
 
 It seems to me there is no doubt. 
 
 That if the said plank be laid down, 
 
 Few passen«^ers will walk thereon, 
 
 The soft, cool turf throu«j;h summer heat 
 
 Is better far for human feet ; 
 
 And when the snows of winter fall, 
 
 They'll cover plank and turf and all. 
 
 What's that you say ? for ladies feet, 
 
 'Twill be so smooth, and dry. and neat ; 
 
 Don't vex yourselves, dear sirs, al)out it,. 
 
 Our fair friends can do well without it. 
 
 The ladies of the present day, 
 
 I own I'm very proud to say, 
 
 Are not of such a fragile form, 
 
 As for a tritle to take harm." 
 
PARSIMONY ANr> I'INK PLANKS. 
 
 23 
 
 liut luMo till' spotikcr's clear, ^brill voice 
 Was iMternii)tc<l Ijy II noise; 
 At first a tittrr. then n Imif^li ; 
 I^>iit that was not so had hy lialf. 
 Ah oiu' deep sii^li, aUnost a |L;i'oan, 
 From one ar(di wag in niockin<^ tone. 
 No doMl)t 'twas in had tnste to huij^li, 
 r>ut th'-n th • si>t'ji,kL'i's better half. 
 Th()M«^h known for j^race and much ji^ood nature, 
 Was Konjcwhat masculine of stature ; 
 Could rate iier spouse in wi'.jhiul measure. 
 Whene'er his views o])posed her [)leasure; 
 Too well 1h! understood the verse, 
 " The j^rey mare is the better horse." 
 All this was to tlie Council known, 
 And tlirou.i,'h the county u[) and ilown. 
 ]3ut brief, this member ;4ained the day, 
 The Council wislied to get away: 
 
 'Twas near the dinner 1 Mir. and sound di<T':'stion. 
 
 Does siunetimes urge uki) to a prompt decision. 
 
 It was late in the autumn <n- fall (a cold air) 
 }li^ter C. had soine plans in the t')wn to pre})are, 
 "he cool turf, that he lauded m) highly before 
 I'lie full ("ouncil. was gone, or at least covered o'er, 
 
 tie<t\y rains had converted the rods to a bog. 
 \{ was hard work to get a stout horse to a jog ; 
 lIkI the sides of the road were no refuge for tramps, 
 >!' indeed they were mostly no better tlian swamps, 
 
 p\\\ our friend in his gig being wi-apped snug and w;trm, 
 111 due time reached the town wihoiit coming to harm, 
 iVliere his business he settled, mtulf str;iight, no mishnp. 
 Then to dinner in comfort, next ten minutes nap. 
 
 It had l)een his intention on le;i\ing his home. 
 
 l)e back ere the night fell in dai'kuess or gloom : 
 l)iU the day was a gala day tlirongli the wl)olo town, 
 Liid besides, an important election was on. 
 
 'he great question before the whole county wa^i this, 
 ^Ve will state it in terms very bi'ief yet pi'ecise ; 
 'lie election all turned (ni the heels of men".< boots, 
 hi. whole structure of whicli should be settled by votes. 
 
 In the county were people who, for their own use, 
 Ihul adopted the plan of no heels to tlieir shoes ; 
 "heir advice and persuasion to every sane man. 
 ^V;is to follow exactly the very same plan. 
 
24 
 
 PARSIMONY AND PINE PLANKS. 
 
 But some othcs less wise, or of weak or strong nerve^ 
 And ijerhaps witli an eye some pet purpose to serve ; 
 Hud determined that all— they gave small reasons why- 
 Should wear no heels at all, or else five inches high. 
 
 i! ' 
 
 I don't pry into gentlemens' private affairs, 
 Neither watch where they enter, go np or down stairs ; 
 Nor observe wlien their course to the l>ar counter bends. 
 Nor make note of how often they pledge with their friends. 
 
 It is known Mis-ter C is a temperate man, 
 Though opposed to Judge Dmikin's grand five gallon plan ; 
 Not his feK3s will detract from this statei .ent one word^ 
 And with pleasure in justice 'tis put on record. 
 
 But all rules have exceptions, 'tis human to err, 
 At elections one meets with his friends far and near ; 
 What's a glass more or less, pray don't be too precise. 
 Even patriarchs when tempted sometimes were not wise. 
 
 Thus it was with our liero, whose cause was delayed, 
 By a very old fi'iend in the tree-felling trade ; 
 A good soul, entertaining, could sing a good song. 
 Or would spin you a yarn fully five fathoms long, 
 
 The two friends had not met for some twenty long years, 
 I'liey had much to talk over, past hopes, present fears ; 
 And all in good time, 'tis no wonder that both 
 fihonld revert to the scenes of the heyday of youth. . 
 
 Now these tlioughts of the pranks they had played in mere spoil. 
 (The old fi'iend had just mulled a fine cup of old port) 
 Cause; 1 them IxDth to feel good, in prime fettle, ere long, 
 Tlic grave councillor called on his friend for a song. 
 
 In due time lie assented, and clearing his throat. 
 With a moderate pull at the beaker of })ort; 
 (rave a stave that he vowed (placing pipe on the shelf) 
 Had been written and sung by Judge Dunkin himself. 
 
 Hurrah, boys, hurrah, don't you see the niillenium. 
 I'ast and certain as fate is approaching your door ; 
 Yon gas-lit bright tavern's the true pandemonium. 
 (Jlose its doors, and you'll never know poverty more. 
 No single glass drinking, 
 No bright tankards clinking, 
 Get a barrel and (juafT as your fathers of yore, 
 Then roll in the barrel and butt that holds three. 
 
PARSIMONY AND PINE PLANKS. 
 
 25 
 
 No single glass drinking, 
 No bright tankards clinking 
 "lie half anker of old is the gage to a T. 
 
 |Y(nir philosopliers ancient have puzzled their brains, 
 
 Tt) lengthen life's span — make our stay here a rtxtnre ; 
 [But we moderns have found with less labour and pains, 
 What puzzled those fellows, their long sought elixir ; 
 Prohibit all taverns, 
 Grog by five gallons, 
 For a happy old age is the orthodox mixture. 
 [Tlieii roll in the barrel and butt that holds three. 
 No single glass drinking, 
 No bright tankards clinking, 
 I'Yhv half anker of old is the gage to a T. 
 
 'JlitTf are short sighted folk who complain' of hard times, 
 W'liile adversity grim is perched high on their crupper ; 
 I'oaway with small measures for licpiors and wines, 
 And blame not the men of the lower house or upper. 
 Abolish rum sellers, 
 Provide you big cellars, 
 The cure is more potent than John A. or Tupper ; 
 Then roll in the barrel and butt that holds three. 
 No single glass drinking, 
 No bright tankards chnking. 
 Five gallons the measure exact to a T. 
 
 [lit time tlies, and the friends, though reluctant, must ])art, 
 lister (J. has to travel, the night has the start ; 
 [lie neat gig is got ready, the reckoning made right, 
 .lie two friends bid adieu, then a hearty good night. 
 
 ii> this hour Mister C. had enjoyed the whole day, 
 
 ;i uentleman will in his own (juiet way , 
 5nl here fortune or luck, if vou like call it fate, 
 Jirned against him as if she were urged by foul Hate. 
 
 it 'UmhI pace he had reached near the bounds of the town, 
 hell the horse struck his foot 'gainst a large heaj) of stone ; 
 ' the ground he fell flat, with a noise just like thud, 
 
 |i\ 1 lie his master rolled out of the gig in the mud. 
 
 I 1 V promptly the latter sprang up from the dirt, 
 
 ml though bruised and half stunned, had received little hurt ; 
 
 1- ehief damage, an ugly deep cut in the face, 
 
 ' his looks added nothing of beauty or grace. 
 
 «• in ' 
 
26 
 
 PARSIMONY AND PINE PLANKS. 
 
 But the worst of the mischief is yet to be seen, 
 The two shafoS of the {^i^ were both broken off clean ; 
 While the horse had one fetlock so brnised (tender part) 
 That no coaxing or urging induced him to start. 
 
 It is plain Mr. C. was in no pleasant plight, 
 
 For all this he resolved to I'each home the same night : 
 
 And exorbitant chai'ges for horse Hesh to balk, 
 
 He soon made up his mind, come what might he would walk.] 
 
 Now of course the mulled port had by this time grown cool, 
 And our friend gravely thought 'twould be no breach of rule, 
 To take something more potent ere taking the road. 
 Bo he tossed off a magnum both hot, strong twid good. 
 
 "Bout a mile had he walked when he found himself on • 
 The identical plank he would have them lay down ; 
 Its convenience for sliding improved by hoar frost. 
 But to walk on our councilman swore 'twas the worst. 
 
 Mister C. was no athlete, ne'er walked a tight rope, 
 Still he manfully strived with his hardships to cope ; 
 ]3ut withal ere ten furlongs were passed he fell thrice, 
 And his garments were soiled with the slush, mud and ice. 
 
 But the chief of his ills was a gash on the head. 
 And the cut l)eing deep, pretty freely it bled ; 
 In the last slip he made he had struck an old stump, 
 That imi)ressed on the cranium a serious bump. 
 
 On regaining his feet the first word was a d n. 
 
 For the twelve inch pine board and his own niggard plan — 
 " How tlie deuce could I ever have been such an ass. 
 To allow such a piece of stupidity pass." 
 
 He stepped off from the plank, and the mire struggled throu>iliI 
 Till at length through the gloom his own home came in view: 
 But as nearer he drew to the front of the house, 
 To the front came the question how meet his own spouse ? 
 
 In the [)light he then was he dare'nt meet her dear face. 
 And her rather sharp tongue would not men<l his bad cat,^- , 
 Bhe might say he had been in some rascally brawl. 
 And discredit his statement of mishap and fall. 
 
 He resolved then at last to go in the back door, 
 
 And get Bridget some balm on his sore head to pour ; 
 
 Then ere facing the lady's sure anger and frown. 
 
 He might change his foul dress, or at least get " rubbed down. 
 
PARSIMONY AND PINE PLANKS. 
 
 27 
 
 [stress lU'id^'et was fresh from the Emerald Isle, 
 If had been in the country 110 very ^'reat while ; 
 ^is judiciously cautioned "gainst loafers and trumps. 
 (1 \v:is partial by no means to any such scamps. 
 
 lull the boss put his hand on the latch of the door, 
 was seated with Michael, old times talking o'er, 
 iw the face showed within, all disfigured with blood, 
 id the clothing all over bespattered with mud. 
 
 is no \v(jnder that Jiridget sustained a sore fright, 
 the Viight of the. visitor's hideous plight ; 
 j(l indeed she declares that she could not then tell 
 jthL' intruder were burglar, or ghost, or the De'il. 
 
 recovering her presence of mind she showed fight, 
 itli intention of putting the stranger to flight ; 
 ini[)tly grasping the first thing to hand, a long broom, 
 hived the force that resides in a muscular arm. 
 
 Istei' ('. at this juncture attem[)ted a parley, 
 
 pled her name and said why he had not returned early ; 
 
 n vain, he complained of her treatment so rough, 
 ^r slu' knew not his voice, as his speech had grown gruff. 
 
 to no explanation would Bridget give heed, 
 Nfie rattled the broom handle o'er his sore head ; 
 hii calling on "Michael to come to the fore, 
 i( V eN})elled the soiled councilnum from his own door. 
 
 [st( r (". would not venture to face his dear spouse, 
 1 of course he kept clear of the front of the house ; 
 ■\]U'j, tired and exhausted and somewhat forlorn, 
 retreated and slept on sweet hay in the barn. 
 
 ilu,' scene that took place with his lady next day, 
 expedient, we think, to have little to say ; 
 avouching the truth of what's said as a tale, 
 tr the [)rivate affairs of the home draw a veil. 
 
 K hrave Bridget indeed for her blunder was blamed. 
 " enjoined the whole business should never be named ; 
 „. received a rich present, a dress of green silk. 
 i foi- ^[ichael, a young short horn cow in full milk. 
 
 MuA. RoAi). October, 1883. 
 
THE ORIGIN OF MAN 
 BY EVOLUTION. 
 
 ( :'l 
 
 Our friend, ^reat Darwin, in his book maintains 
 Man owes descent to mammals of short trains 
 And lengthy tail ; that high and low degree, 
 The hind and peer have but one pedigree ; 
 No flattering doctrine this to you or me. 
 In course of ages, in more recent times, 
 In spite of all his errors, follies, crimes — 
 We need not be exact about the date — 
 'Tis known that man rose to a liigher state 
 And there remains for some few tliousand years ; 
 No further evolution since appears. 
 A problem hard, however, hero occurs— 
 "Man is the glory of the Universe," 
 And "wonder" also, thus our author says, 
 At least in substance, slightly changed the phrase- 
 All this is not denied, but who so bold 
 The novel, daring theory to hold, 
 That when the Involution's course was run 
 The power had finished all it could have done ; 
 Or that when Evolution ceased and ended 
 A perfect man was made not to be mended. 
 The knotty point or (juestion then is this- - 
 We state it briefly but in terms precise — 
 Our speculative friends are bound to show 
 Why Evolution did no further go; ^ 
 
 Why the said process stopped just where it did, 
 Of further changes was there no more need. 
 Since none ol" all our learned friends ap))ears 
 To solve these points, now patent for some years, 
 Tiie reader is recpiested to attend 
 While we attempt an answer to that end ; 
 Attempt, remember, for there is much doubt. 
 Complete solution can be well made out. 
 
 A full extended, comprehensive plan 
 Of viewing nature's law regarding man 
 
I'm-; OKKIIN Ul' MAN i;v KVUlAJnON. 
 
 29 
 
 ilav sliow lici- Kchciue tlirou^'hont the whole, is just 
 ill ;ill creation's list the hist oi* first. 
 
 ^\ l::it lime iiKuTs k)r.^ tailed ancestors gave o'er 
 riieir a])ish pranks, and lived in trees no more, 
 Dili walked on two feet upright on the ground, 
 
 lirn for the tail no further use was found. 
 'r liad among the hranches served their turn, 
 l/Vssisliug them to cross a stream or bourn ; 
 I'.iit on the sward they found it in the way, 
 
 )t having means of stov.ing it away, 
 riiey miglit of coiu'se have held it o'er the arm, 
 ;)i' coiled it round the neck to keep them warm ; 
 |]'.iri iis they needed botli hands in the chase, » 
 
 I'Twould still I fear have l)een found out of place ; 
 lAnd ill hot haste, while hunting for their food, 
 hVould have got loose and draggled in tho mud. 
 rTi-ilrue, like modern princess with her train, 
 Ia \()iingster could have borne it — all in vain— 
 jTlic stronger bi[)ed bcdng more swift of foot, 
 rriio manikin would fail in the pursuit ; 
 \\\v therefore find in after generations, 
 [This ornament was dropped among the fashions. 
 
 Al)i»\c 'tis said that nature's scheme is just, 
 lA statement Nv"o shall liere make clear I trust ; 
 [l''nr if our theorists arc to be believed. 
 Nor by much wit and learning self deceived; 
 Wlir.'u man's post-pendent ornament was lost, 
 A I lime he ceased to mount thr trees and roost, 
 lb' was, witli other gifts forthwith endowed. 
 That much distinguished him among the crowd ; 
 111 short, the loss was balanced by this gain — 
 Nil other than enlargement of the brain. 
 
 A- aJl our ancestors their tails cast loose, 
 
 W hen it was found they were no further use, 
 
 So reason teaches in our present case. 
 
 To look for further changes to take ])lace, -^ 
 
 In the endowments of the race to-day — 
 
 We now ])roceed to indicate the way. 
 
 (iiaut your attention and oV)serve the change 
 That lime has worked throughout the earth's wide range ; 
 Mark well those modei'n giants begot of steam, 
 The broad earth racing like Cyclopean team ; 
 ' >)• that iron iroii-}"ibl)ed leviathan that ploughs the deep, 
 II 'iliu, or thorough storm, o'er waves ashillsides steep. 
 I !ieii nearer home with things more common place, 
 A hal case of locomotion is the case ; 
 
IHK ORIGIN OF MAN IJV KVOIXTION. 
 
 r 
 
 Just step outside the door and in the street, 
 You have no further use for your two feet ; 
 The all acconimodatiiij^ tramway car, 
 Conveys you with(jut lah(jur everywhere ; 
 And even in the hostel or the store, 
 You're all whipped up aloft like sacks of tlour. 
 
 With all these wondrous aids to locomotion. 
 Of which our forefathers had not a notion, 
 Will man remain just what he is and was. 
 Or change his nature to the altered case ? 
 Are we who travel now at such hi^h speed. 
 Ideating the camel ov Arabian steed ; 
 And that with no exertion on our part, 
 Sittin}4 at ease midst luxuries of art ; 
 Shall we, I ask, continue what we are, • 
 
 Just like our ancestors who rode shank's mare ? 
 Or when m haste the footpad's steps to track 
 Mif^ht get a lift sometimes on Dobbin's back. 
 
 You must admit I think it seems as plain. 
 
 As clouds when near the earth do foretell rain ; 
 
 That, should the above improvements still j)roceed. 
 
 We shortly shall have very little need 
 
 Of aid or service from our nether branches — 
 
 Useless as voters who have lost the franchise. 
 
 Allowing then man's lower limbs may fail, 
 
 And shrivel or decay as did his tail ; 
 
 What is he to receive in compensation, 
 
 The loss to balan<;e in fair valuation ? 
 
 'Twill be by most admitted clear and plain, 
 
 He needs no further increase of the brain ; 
 
 Should the cerebrum be still more enlarged, 
 
 And by some accident become o'er charged 
 
 With all our learned Ologies and Isms, 
 
 That in these latter days have bred such schisms ; 
 
 'Tis feared, in spite of Maine law deprivation, 
 
 And such sublime transcendent legislation ; 
 
 The lieges all, instead of growing sober, 
 
 Would then become "top-heavy" — "half seas over." 
 
 Again, from off the bounteous tree of knowledge 
 ; 'ue think we have plucked enough, fairly acknowledge, 
 ^bat should we further the same path pursue, 
 hike Eden's couple we may chance to rue. 
 
 In thought, ascending from this lower world, 
 
 Man learns the plan on which the stars are whirled ; 
 
rHK URrc.IN OF MAN I5V EVOLUTION. 
 
 31 
 
 Has lonj^ boon well informed about the moon 
 i)i(l almost count the busy folk tliereon - 
 Pt'sciibe their lives and «^eneral occ'U[)ationH, 
 And when at war their posts and picket stations. 
 
 Wt more, we have opened up comnumication 
 
 With furthest Limbo's dark and vast location, 
 
 And with the iimiost purj^atorial station ; 
 
 To liold a confab with old Ko^er Bacon, 
 
 Or seek some mathematic explanation 
 
 l-'rom him who taught the law of ji^ravitation — 
 
 Or, if all that's reported you rely on, 
 
 ("ail have more polished stanzas from Lord Byron ; 
 
 And darker tra»^edy from the same hand 
 
 That ^ave us Macbeth and the witches' band. 
 
 \iewinj4 all these achievements of man's wit 
 And learning, does it not seem right and tit, 
 That he should pause in scientific search, 
 I'or fear said wit should leave him in the lurch ; 
 Or else, that precious casket which contains, 
 That highly ])rized material, his brains, 
 Sliould as above described become o'er charged — 
 Then break, or crack, instead of being enlarged. 
 
 Assume the loss above portrayed occur. 
 
 What will kind nature on the race confer ? 
 
 Is it not plain, of all sublunar things, 
 
 That what man needs is just a pair of wings. 
 
 Start not, dear reader, !ihis is none of those 
 
 Mere flights of fancy as you may suppose ; , 
 
 This gift, howe'er improbable it seem. 
 
 On calm reflection may not prove a dream. 
 
 Boynton has shown beyond all contraversion. 
 
 That man may swim like, halibut or sturgeon ; 
 
 The case for argument, I here submit, 
 
 Is apposite and for our purpose fit. 
 
 To cross the Channel like a shark or porpoise. 
 
 To man was once as foreign, strange and perverse 
 
 As through the air and over it on high. 
 
 In storm or calm, like wild seaniew to fly ; 
 
 As said before, the only things re<iuired. 
 
 Are just the wings; may not they be acquired? 
 
 Shall it be said in this inventive age, 
 
 That no one can be found who will engage, 
 
 So simple an appliance to supply — 
 
 I'lnabling us to (piit the earth and fly. 
 
 Mark well what genius has already done. 
 
 n\ 
 
 I'' 
 
32 
 
 JHK OkK.lN or MAX I'.V K\ (Jl.U I'lON. 
 
 
 A handful of black i^'raiiis of wood and Htono, 
 Mixed and proportioned, as to science known, 
 Tlie fruit of years of toil lias overthrown, 
 And beaten tyrant and his ramparts down. 
 
 A<^ain, observe tlie power and use of steam, 
 
 That to our wonderin<4 ^'randsires seemed a drt;am. 
 
 liy most regarded with suspicious eye 
 
 Forebodin<4 to the lieges danj^ci' ni<^h, 
 
 IMien upwards, towards the clouds we onward mount, 
 
 To watch the siet^e, or all the foe to count ; 
 
 And farther still, exactly by this ))lan, 
 
 'Tis now proi)osed Old Boreas' realms to s[)an. 
 
 Next, on the Sun we make a I'etjuisition, 
 
 To paint the fair or homely with precision / 
 
 Of truth, not e(]ualled yet by mortal hand, 
 
 Ev'n at a pontiff's or a kin<,''s conunand. 
 
 And last, our plan of «^ainin^' news outvies 
 
 All former instances, thou^'li truth's oft lost in lies. 
 
 Surely the skill that planned tliese wondrous thinj^s 
 Could manage or contrive a pair of wings. 
 
 While nature's provinces in every part 
 
 To man are generous, 'tis left to art 
 
 To lend its useful aid, to gain the full 
 
 Fruition of her work, and crown the whole. ♦ 
 
 I'jvery day of tlie week in diui'nals anmsing — 
 
 Though sometimes the print has a knack of abusing — 
 
 Where you read, in bold type, of the wondnrful cures 
 
 Of the ills that mankind v.-ith small patience endures ; 
 
 'Mongst the thousand inventions of these modern tin es. 
 
 Set forth in plain prose or extolknl in small rhymes, 
 
 There is one that deserves scientihc attention 
 
 Hy all who put faith in the theory Darwinian. 
 
 I take it for granted by habit you're trustful, 
 
 Don't like to regai'd what you read of as dovd)tful. 
 
 But what is set forth in <lue form in plain print, 
 
 Are inclined to believe without limit or stii.t, 
 
 The invention 1 speak of above then is this, 
 
 I forget now its name the results will suffice ; 
 
 They are stated" in brief, to be no less or more, 
 
 Than to start a rich crop on old heads hind and fore ; 
 
 And doubtless the man who discovered the secret 
 
 Is ready on oattubotli'ito prove and confirm it. 
 
 Since the truth of the syst^^fii itB author declares, 
 
 Where's the differei^e lIiWQiiidor.'tvVixti feathers and iiair^. 
 
 It may not be so>gr*atr ias nppea,rB at tiv^U look, 1 1 . / /, . 
 
TH.: ORIOIN OF MAN l!V KVOLUTION. 
 
 33 
 
 And my theo' y's sustained by a very old book, 
 
 Any reference to which some may deem misplaced here, 
 
 Hut I open its page with due reverence (not fear). 
 
 You will read of a king whose dominions were great, 
 
 One that lived in much splendour, supported great state; 
 
 lint like some you all know in our own modern times. 
 
 Was brought down in his follies, his errors and crimes ; 
 
 Was expelled, driven forth, from the presence of men, 
 
 liven herded with beasts of the field or tlie pen. 
 
 Till in time, by exposure to rain in all weathers, 
 
 All the hair of his flesh became changed into feathers. 
 
 m 
 
 If the forenamed invention produce richest curls, 
 
 On the pates of bald bipeds, old ladies or churls ; 
 
 Why should not the same application be tried 
 
 On the shoulders, for instance, both east and west side ; 
 
 The said parts must be bare to the sun, wind and rain, 
 
 Do not wince if this treatment cause some little pain ; 
 
 It will not be for long ; note the highlander's shanks, 
 
 As he tramps through the heather, o'er hill sides and banks ; 
 
 The fair cuticle hardens ; in time the rough hair 
 
 Grows as thick as you see on the foal of a mare. 
 
 If this climate don't answer just try the Red River — 
 
 It is only in fancy you feel yourselves shiver— - 
 
 Just try it, and sure as John A. is a wizard, 
 
 You'll find that a thorough good Nor-nor-West blizzard, 
 
 Is complete as a charm in promoting the crop 
 
 Of the healthy young feathers you'll see springing up ; 
 
 Persevere, we all know what that virtue oft brings — 
 
 Your reward shall be seen in a fine pair of wings. 
 
 When Darwin, with his grand philosophic. 
 Provides these feathered helps for you and me. 
 And all and singular every he and she, 
 Then his and our opinions may agree. 
 
Errata.— In stanza VIII., page 10, in line next last, m 
 "politics" instead of "politic." In stanza IX, line 
 omit the third word "you." 
 
 p 
 
last, ret] 
 i, line