f 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 A STORY FOR CHILDREN 
 

 
TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 A STORY FOR CHILDREN 
 
 BY 
 
 GRANT ALLEN 
 
 WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY MISS BRADLEY 
 
 LONDON: GRANT RICHARDS, 1897 
 
Lr PRwoLj. /laTi 
 
 1 
 
 / 
 
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 1 
 
 
 TO MY DEAR CHILDREN 
 
 (JBCKe antj ©lifatr 
 
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 I 
 
 /o ■/d, & ^(^ 
 
, » 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 CHAI'. 
 
 1. The Ivory Gate 
 
 2. First Impressions . 
 
 3. Space and Sugar . 
 4- The Highest Circle^ 
 
 5. Assyrian Dates 
 
 6. The Battle of Anywhere 
 
 7. Dick Deadeye's Raid 
 
 8. V/A Rome to Waterloo . 
 
 9- The Morning of the Battle 
 
 10. A Lesson in English 
 
 11. Civilisation 
 
 12. Civilisation in Action . 
 
 13- The Hero of Waterloo 
 
 14- Peace at any Price 
 
 15- No Thoroughfare . 
 
 16. Circumstances alter Cases 
 
 17. The Professor's Secret. 
 
 PAGE 
 I 
 
 18 
 
 36 
 
 50 
 67 
 80 
 
 93 
 1 10 
 
 121 
 
 138 
 
 ^53 
 166 
 179 
 
 194 
 209 
 223 
 
 237 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 The Ivory Gate 
 
 • • • • 
 
 Head-piece to Chapter I. 
 On the Top of the Gate 
 
 • • • 
 
 'Hallo!' cried Tom 
 'I'iM admiring Nature'. 
 The Greedy Boy looked huffy 
 Pushing away the Boulder 
 They sat down on a Bank 
 
 Little Caius . 
 
 • • • . 
 
 Pericles' Mother sent him a Basket of Good 
 Things . 
 
 Armed Men coming full tilt towards them 
 
 Olive shrank back 
 
 • • • . 
 
 Four Executioners with carefully curled Hai 
 
 An Assyrian Obeisance 
 
 • • • . 
 
 The Greedy Boy made a grab at the Fruit 
 
 With a Rueful Face . 
 
 • • • . 
 
 'It's dreadfully puzzling' . 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Frontispiece 
 
 I 
 8 
 
 13 
 19 
 
 25 
 
 30 
 
 36 
 42 
 
 44 
 49 
 
 50 
 
 54 
 60 
 64 
 
 67 
 74 
 
" 9 
 
 xu 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 'Charlie! Charlie!' . 
 
 • • • « 
 
 Tom hugged himself . 
 
 • * • • 
 
 *I TRACK HIM DOWN AND TWIST HIS TaIL' 
 
 Rameses . 
 
 ' * • • . 
 
 The Gallant Army hung back 
 
 An Unknown Warrior in a Sombrero Hat 
 
 A Strategic Movement 
 
 Aw Extraordinary Rout 
 
 It was a Gruesome Sight 
 
 Balbus builds a Wall . 
 
 Tom fled 
 
 A Solitary Footman 
 
 * My Preserver ! ' he cried 
 
 'I'm not a Native' 
 
 'Bless my Soul,' the Duke exclaimed 
 
 Tom was fuming visibly 
 
 • • • 
 
 Clearing his Throat, Rameses began the Recital 
 
 'Charming, charming!' 
 
 • • • 
 
 Rameses sat apart 
 
 He dressed in Woad and lived upon Acorns 
 
 ' They've killed Picton ! ' 
 
 * • • • 
 
 Tom seized Olive's Hand and tore across 
 
 Olive shut her Eyes tight 
 
 • • • 
 
 Bearing in his Arms his wounded Brother 
 
 PAGE 
 78 
 
 80 
 84 
 
 86 
 ■ 91 
 
 93 
 100 
 
 107 
 
 110 
 
 116 
 
 120 
 
 121 
 
 I2S 
 130 
 136 
 138 
 
 140 
 146 
 
 r6i 
 169 
 171 
 
 173 
 176 
 
 tism 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS xiii 
 
 m ' PAGE 
 
 Tried to put the Blaze out . . . .181 
 'Picking Flowers,' Olive answered ... 187 
 'A Summary, my Child, is a condensed Synopsis' 193 
 Tom turned proudly to Rameses . . . 195 
 
 'With Nothing to eat>' 
 
 . . 201 
 
 'He's dead,' Rameses answered .... 207 
 ' Just see what you've gone and been and done ! ' 210 
 Rameses lifted the Double Crown politely . 219 
 An Assyrian Strut . »^ . 
 A Spider as big as a House 
 
 Horrified at the Sight, the Children crouched 
 and cowered . 
 
 'Let's sit down and think about it' 
 
 In a Brown Study 
 
 ••••.. 241 
 
 ' Made in Germany,' murmured the Professor . 247 
 On the Top of the Nower once more . . 249 
 
 221 
 223 
 
 229 
 235 
 
' Let's go out on the Nower,' Tom said 
 decisively. 
 
 * I don't want to go on the Nower,' Olive 
 answered, looking up. ' Let's go to Holm- 
 wood Common and pick blackberries.' 
 
 */ said the Nower,* Tom answered with 
 emphasis. And the Nower it was accordingly. 
 For Tom was a boy, and knew the respect that 
 ought always to be paid to an Elder Brother. 
 
 It was the first day of the holidays, and 
 Olive was glad to have Tom back at home 
 on any terms to play with her. They walked 
 along the top of the Nower, which is a wooded 
 hill in a park, till they reached the boundary 
 wall of Bury Hill estate, which closes the path 
 in that direction. Now Olive had always 
 
 B 
 
2 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 wished to get into Bury Hill, and find out 
 why they put such a very high wall around it ; 
 but the gate shut her out, and there were nasty 
 big spikes stuck threateningly on top of it. 
 This morning, however, to her immense sur- 
 prise, she found that two large and beautiful 
 doorways had been set up in the wall, instead 
 of the gate, since her last visit. One of them 
 was entirely composed of semi-transparent 
 horn, very exquisitely carved in most graceful 
 patterns. The other was of ivory, equally 
 delicate in design, but still more lovely and 
 costly in material. 
 
 *Oh, Tom,* she cried. 'Just look! What 
 magnificent gateways ! ' 
 
 ' Not bad,' Tom replied. For Tom was a 
 schoolboy, and * not bad ' was almost the highest 
 praise he ever deigned to bestow on any- 
 thing but cricket. That was often 'stunning.' 
 
 ' How quickly they've put them up, too ! ' 
 Olive exclaimed. 'Why, Janet and I were 
 here only yesterday, and there wasn't a sign 
 of them.' 
 
 * Oh, they do these things so fast nowadays,' 
 Tom answered in a jaunty voice. * It's the age 
 
THE IVORY GATE 
 
 of electricity. You just say to your contractor, 
 " I want an ivory gate," and he touches his hat 
 and says, " Yes, sir ; certainly, sir ! " — and lo 
 and behold, before next morning, your ivory 
 gate's in its place ! That's the march of 
 intellect.' 
 
 Tom said it with such a knowing air, like 
 a man of the world as he was, that Olive quite 
 admired him for it. Indeed, she didn't even 
 venture to object that the contractor wouldn't 
 be likely to touch his hat ; for Lord Glenburn 
 was a contractor, she had heard her papa say ; 
 and Lord Glenburn lived in the big house on 
 the hill, and was a very great gentleman. 
 However, there might be contractors and 
 contractors ; and no doubt, after all, Tom 
 knew best about it. From which you will 
 see that Olive thoroughly understood the duties 
 of a Younger Sister. 
 
 They drew near to examine the gates. The 
 one made of horn had the figure of a woman, 
 like a Venus or an Eve, carved in its centre. It 
 was a beautiful figure, with smooth soft limbs, 
 holding a mirror in one hand, in which Olive 
 fancied she could almost see herself. * That's 
 
4 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 Truth,' Tom said v/ith confidence, surveying it 
 from below. * You can tell by the hand-glass. 
 Truth's always admiring her complexion on 
 the sly. Besides, we talk of "the naked 
 truth," so of course that's why she's represented 
 without any drapery.' 
 
 'She's beautiful,' Olive answered. 'Isn't 
 the gate just lovely ? ' 
 
 * Oh, but this one's finer still,' Tom cried, 
 passing over with a skip to the ivory portal. 
 ' See, it has the figure of a woman with a mask 
 in her hand, and draped from head to foot. 
 What lovely ivory ! So soft and polished ! ' 
 
 ' Who is she ? ' Olive asked. 
 
 Tom hesitated a moment. ' I should think,' 
 he said at last, 'she's Falsehood, or Imagination, 
 or something lively of that sort. You see, she 
 has a mask to cover her face with, and she's 
 gathering up her robe to wrap it closely round 
 her.' 
 
 * I wish,' Olive said, gazing wistfully through 
 the gaps in the carved ivory of the gate, ' we 
 could manage to get in and see what there is 
 beyond the rhododendrons.' 
 
 'Well, let's climb over,' Tom suggested. 
 
THE IVORY GATE 5 
 
 Being a boy, he was naturally devoted to 
 climbing. ' It's easy enough, now they've 
 taken away the spikes that used to cover 
 the old gate. Any fool could do it.' 
 
 'But I'm not a fool,' Olive responded with 
 dignity. * Besides, there's a notice there, 
 " Trespassers will be prosecuted." ' 
 
 *0h, that never means anything,' Tom 
 answered with confidence. * It's only put 
 there to frighten away tramps. And then, 
 it's so unsociable ! What a wicked man he 
 would be if he didn't forgive us our trespasses.' 
 
 * That's true,' Olive answered thoughtfully. 
 * He oughtnt to put it up. He ought to write 
 a notice, " Trespassers will be fully and frankly 
 forgiven." ' 
 
 'Of course he ought,' Tom answered. ' Let's 
 teach him his duty, Olive! It would be a real 
 kindness to him. Let's climb over his gate, 
 and see what lies beyond it' 
 
 'Everything lies beyond the Ivory Gate,' the 
 figure in the centre broke out quite suddenly. 
 'And everything tells the truth beyond the 
 Horn one.' 
 
 Strange to say, Tom was not in the least 
 
6 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 m 
 
 surprised at this singular occurrence. He took 
 it as calmly as if he were accustomed to 
 hearing gates make remarks every day. * An 
 observation from the gate is no more odd,' he 
 thought to himself, 'than a speech from the 
 Throne. The Sublime Porte does everything 
 at Constantinople. They arrange these things 
 often nowadays with phonographs. A fellow 
 I know, one of our Sixth Form boys, has a plan 
 for making an automatic headmaster, with a 
 phonographic inside, which will shout out, "Sit 
 down, sir ! Very bad ! Bring me a hundred 
 lines of Virgil to-morrow ! " — or else say with 
 a smile, "Owing to the marriage of His 
 Royal Highness the Duke of Thingumbob, the 
 school will have a half-holiday this afternoon. 
 Three cheers, boys, for His Royal Highness !" 
 Save expense in salary, and do quite as 
 well, in the end, as the present extravagant 
 system.' 
 
 * Do you think we ought to climb it if 
 everything beyond it /tes f ' Olive asked a little 
 seriously. She was a conscientious child, as 
 often happens with girls, and had qualms about 
 venturing into the world of fiction. 
 
 >' 
 
THE IVORY GATE 7 
 
 'Why, its only the same as a story-book,' 
 Tom answered. * Nothing's true there, and 
 nobody thinks the worse of it on that account. 
 If it comes to that, you and I have been 
 brought up upon lies ; for Papa writes novels, 
 which is only another name for telling stories.' 
 
 'Oh, you wicked boy,' Olive cried, 'to say 
 such things about Papa ! You know very well 
 he only writes ^/^/^w^/ novels.' 
 
 ' They're not true for all that,' Tom main- 
 tained. 
 
 * Oh, Tom, what nonsense ! When we mean 
 to say a thing's true, we say it's quite his- 
 torical.' 
 
 * Besides,' Tom went on, shifting his ground, 
 ' it's the figure of Falsehood that says so, and 
 there's no believing her. As likely as not, 
 when we get to the other side, we shall find 
 everything's as true as — as a historical novel.' 
 
 'Perhaps so,' Olive answered. 'But I'm 
 afraid of trespassing.' And she glanced at her 
 new frock, which was fresh on that morning. 
 
 ' Oh, you beastly little hypocrite!' Tom cried. 
 ' I can see what it is now ; it's not your 
 conscience at all, it's your frock you're afraid 
 
8 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 ^' 
 
 of.' And he mounted the first bars of the gate 
 like a monkey. 
 
 Thus put upon her mettle, Olive followed 
 where he led, and, flinging conscience to the 
 winds, set her foot firmly on the lower ledge of 
 the gateway. All at once she grew lighter. 
 
THE IVORY GATE 9 
 
 Almost before she knew where she was, she 
 found herself ai the top of the Ivory Gate ; and 
 next instant she was down at the other side, 
 and free of the garden. 
 
 'Oh, I say,' Tom cried, the moment he felt 
 the soft grass under his feet, ' isn't it ripping ? ' 
 
 ' Ra-therr ! ' Olive answered. She had no 
 sisters, you see, and had picked up a good many 
 of Tom's schoolboy expressions. 
 
 And, indeed, it was ripping, if you will allow 
 me to say so. Olive could hardly explain what 
 made the difference ; but no sooner had she 
 touched the springy turf beyond the gate than 
 everything seemed to expand in some mysterious 
 manner. Space somehow swelled, like bread 
 when it rises. The air was freer ; the trees 
 were larger; the hills beyond the valley rose 
 higher and bolder than ever. But that was 
 not all ; the distance itself seemed to stretch 
 away illimitably before her ; the world was as if 
 flattened ; she saw through space over an in- 
 credible area. Everything looked odd. Instead 
 of sinking towards the horizon, as every decent 
 landscape does on our side of the Ivory Gate, 
 the scene before her appeared to soar upward 
 
lo TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 indefinitely, till plains were lost in hills, and 
 hills in mountain chains, and mountain chains 
 in great airy vistas of cloud-capped continents. 
 Cities and villages glistened and glittered here 
 and there on the long slopes ; everything was 
 as beautiful as the transformation scene at the 
 Pantomime, only without the horrid glare that 
 fatigues one's sight, or the tinsel and spangles 
 that interfere with one's enjoyment. 
 
 * Well, where have we got to now, I 
 wonder ? ' Olive exclaimed, rubbing her eyes. 
 
 'Oh, / know,' Tom answered. * I've often 
 heard of this place at school. It must be the 
 Other End of Nowhere.' 
 
 And he began to caper about with a delight- 
 ful sense of freedom from restraint ; for his 
 limbs now moved with extraordinary ease, and 
 he was conscious that that nasty force of 
 gravitation, which keeps pulling one down, 
 down, down in the outer world, had here no 
 existence. 
 
 Olive turned to look for the Horn and the 
 Ivory Gates. To her immense surprise, they 
 had almost disappeared. In their place she 
 could see only a single portal, much bigger and 
 
THE IVORY GATE ii 
 
 more shadowy than either had looked from the 
 other side, with a figure in the centre, half 
 Truth, half Falsehood, carved cunningly out of 
 some vague and indefinite material, too white 
 for horn, too translucent and delicate and 
 elusive for ivory. 
 
 * I wonder,' she thought to herself, * whether 
 that means that here Truth and Falsehood 
 merge into one another?' 
 
 And the figure on the gate, smiling a sphinx- 
 like smile, said in its own tongue, which Olive 
 at once understood, the two oracular words, 
 • Perhaps so.' 
 
 Tom, however, was busy meanwhile exploring 
 the new-found country. 'Come here, Olive,* 
 he cried, from the top of a little mound — about 
 as big as Mont Blanc ; ' com.e here and see 
 this place. My gum, it ^.y jolly !' 
 
 Olive joined him with one bound, and looked 
 down with delight on the shining expanse of 
 the surroundihj country. 
 
 ' What a ratding lark it would be,' Tom 
 cried, 'if wc were to loosen one of these big 
 stones, and let it roll down hill, helter-skelter, 
 into the valley ! ' 
 
12 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 ' Don't you do anything of the sort,' a very 
 thick voice burst out, coming from close below. 
 It was the voice of somebody with his mouth 
 crammed full of food, and it proceeded from 
 
 " ^AUUO '. cRteo OO.T> 
 
 behind a big clump of crimson rhododendrons 
 hard by them. 
 
 'Hullo!' cried Tom; 'who goes there.'* a 
 friend? Advance, friend, and give the password.' 
 
 As he spoke, a very fat boy, with his mouth 
 
THE IVORY GATE 13 
 
 and hands full of plum-cake, advanced from the 
 clump, and came forward to meet them. 
 
 * Now, you just look here,' he said, trying 
 his best to speak through the midst of his 
 eating ; ' don't go playing any tricks, or you'll 
 crush me or Charlie ! ' 
 
 'You mustn't speak with your mouth full,' 
 Olive observed. She was a well-behaved little 
 girl, and could say ' you mustn't ' like a grown- 
 up person. 
 
 'You mustf to save life,' the Greedy Boy 
 answered, going on with his cake, and stuffing 
 another piece into his mouth as he spoke. 
 * Self-preservation is the thief of time — no, no, I 
 mean, the first law of nature.' 
 
 He was so very fat, and he ate so very 
 greedily, that Olive called him to herself ' the 
 Greedy Boy ' from the first moment she saw 
 him, and continued to call him so in her own 
 mind as long as they were together. 
 
 ' What's your name } ' Tom asked categori- 
 cally. It was the usual first question to a New 
 Boy at school. 
 
 * Cecil-Edward -Granville-Plantagenet- Dick- 
 son,' the Greedy Boy answered, all in one 
 
14 • TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 breath, rolling it out as if it were "rep.," as 
 quick as he could speak, and in a singsong 
 fashion. 
 
 'Cecil's quite enough for all practical 
 purposes,' Tom answered surlily. * The rest's 
 such a mouthful.' 
 
 'That's why I like it,' the Greedy Boy 
 responded. 
 
 'You look as if you would,' Tom retorted, 
 and glared at him. 
 
 The Greedy Boy left off stuffing plum-cake 
 into his mouth for a second, and then turned to 
 Olive, as if it gradually occurred to him that 
 some apology was needed. ' I'm sorry I can't 
 offer you some of my cake,' he said ; 'but I've 
 only got enough for myself and Charlie. Have 
 you brought your lunch with you ? ' He spoke 
 quite anxiously. 
 
 'No,' Tom answered. 'We came here 
 promiscuous-like.' 
 
 The Greedy Boy's face fell. ' That's bad,' 
 he mused. ' I don't care for promiscuous-like- 
 ness. It means, that other fellows have to 
 share half their grub with you. And I'm afraid 
 you won't find much to eat or drink in this 
 
THE IVORY GATE • 15 
 
 place.* He cast his eyes around. * It seems 
 lamentably deficient in opportunities for refresh- 
 ment.' 
 
 'I'm not hungry,' Olive observed. 'Are 
 you ? ' 
 
 'No,' their new friend replied; 'but, thank 
 goodness, I'm greedy.' 
 
 ' So I should say,' Tom put in. 
 
 'Well, it's like this, you see,' the Greedy 
 Boy answered. 'As I told you before, I've 
 only brought enough for myself and Charlie. 
 We didn't know anybody else was coming.' 
 
 * Who is this Charlie that you brag about ? ' 
 Tom inquired, with schoolboy suspiciousness. 
 
 The Greedy Boy glanced around him. ' Oh, 
 he's a friend of mine,' he answered, dropping 
 his voice. ' A particular friend of mine. We 
 climbed over here together. He's a very good 
 fellow, but — as he's not within earshot — I don't 
 mind telling you in confidence, he's a bit of a 
 
 prig.' 
 
 ' What is a prig ? ' Olive inquired. She 
 
 knew nothing of prigs, but vaguely connected 
 
 y them in her own mind with that beautiful old 
 
 poem which tells us how ' Him that prigs 
 
1$ TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 what isn't his'n, When he's cotched will be putt 
 in prison.' 
 
 *A prig,' the Greedy Boy responded, 
 turning it over in his head. ' Well, a prig is — 
 really, it's rather difficult to explain exactly 
 what one means by a prig — but just you wait 
 till you've seen Charlie.' 
 
 ' Produce your Charlie,' Tom said in an 
 authoritative tone. 
 
 The Greedy Boy rose, stuffed the last 
 fragment of plum-cake into his mouth, and 
 pointing with one finger to a dim speck on the 
 horizon, answered calmly, * There he is. Let's 
 go and fetch him.' 
 
 * Oh, we can never walk so far,' Olive 
 exclaimed in despair. ' 
 
 * Yes, you can,' the Greedy Boy answered. 
 * That's nothing at all in this bracing air. The 
 splendid air of the mountain advertisements. 
 When you've been here as long as / have, you 
 won't think anything of a few dozen miles or 
 so. You'll do that lot in no time.' 
 
 * How long have you been here ? ' Tom 
 inquired, looking him over from head to foot. 
 
 The Greedy Boy considered. 'About an 
 
THE IVORY GATE i? 
 
 hour, I should say,' he answered. ' No, more 
 than that perhaps — I should think about a 
 century.' 
 
 * But you're not a hundred years old,' Olive 
 exclaimed, amazed. * Besides, if you were, you 
 wouldn't be wearing clothes like those. You'd 
 be dressed in a fancy suit, like the one Tom 
 had for the Simpkinsons' party — with knee- 
 breeches, you know, and a fine brocade waist- 
 coat.' '■.--^^y,^.-:.:;^-:.:_ 
 
 * That's true,' the Greedy Boy answered, 
 staring hard at them in turn. 'You've just 
 arrived, haven't you? And people are still 
 wearing those clothes outside ! Ah, well, you 
 may be right then. Half an hour may be nearer 
 
 .it:*- ■-•..•■-.- :----, 
 
 * This is utter piffle,' Tom broke in. ' Don't 
 let's talk any rot. Let's go and hunt up 
 Charlie.' 
 
 
 c 
 
 Asisv.^!!,: 
 

 CHAPTER II 
 
 FIRST IMPRESSIONS ^ 
 
 To Olive's immense surprise, three minutes' 
 walk brought them to the top of the ridge 
 where Charlie was sitting. The Greedy Boy 
 introduced them with a sort of formal bow. 
 • This is Charlie,' he said simply. 
 
 'And we're Tom and Olive,' the little girl 
 added with marked politeness. For she knew 
 that when a stranger tells you his name, you 
 should tell him yours in return, just to secure 
 equality. 
 
 Charlie glanced up at them with a critical 
 air. *Ah, indeed,' he said slowly, as if the 
 news didn't interest him. 
 
 'What are you doing?' the Greedy Boy 
 asked. 
 
 * I'm admiring nature,' Charlie answered, 
 with a wave of his hand, though as a matter 
 
 ■U^- 
 
FIRST IMPRESSIONS 
 
 19 
 
 of fact he was mainly occupied with a chocolate 
 cream. ' These mountains are so glorious ! ' 
 His voice was affected. 
 
 * What's your father ? ' Tom asked abruptly, 
 just to bring him down to his proper place. 
 
 »s,.\v;.. 
 
 'I'm admiring nature.' 
 
 That was always the second question they put 
 to a New Boy at Charterhouse. 
 
 'My father's a Member of Parliament,' 
 Charlie answered with a swagger. 
 
 ' Precious good trade, too,' Tom replied. 
 * Lots of money in it — lots. Not to speak of 
 the fun at contested elections. The eggs, you 
 know — and the speeches.' 
 
 « 
 
80 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 'And you can get strawberries and cream 
 on the Terrace,' the Greedy Boy remarked. 
 ' I know, for I've had 'em.' 
 
 'What's your father?' Tom asked, turning 
 round upon him sharply. 
 
 'He's a stockbroker,' the Greedy Boy 
 answered. * Firm of Fleeceham and Cheetham.' 
 
 ' Oh, I wish my papa would stock-break ! ' 
 Olive cried. 'All the people I've ever met 
 who stock-broke were so awfully rich. They 
 had lovely houses.' And she clasped her hands 
 ecstatically. 
 
 'For my part,' Tom said, 'I don't care for 
 business. It's so beastly dull, being stuck 
 always at a desk, counting up, like a clerk. 
 When / grow up, I intend to be an author.' 
 
 ' Perhaps you won't be clever enough,' 
 Charlie remarked in a supercilious tone. 
 
 ' Oh, you don't need to be clever to be an 
 author ! ' Olive cried. ' Why, my papa's one.' 
 
 ' But / won't write such rotten books as 
 most people do,' Tom went on with a com- 
 placent air. ' No silly stuff about love-making, 
 you bet. My books will be all about sensible 
 things — cricket, and shooting, and savages.' 
 
FIRST IMPRESSIONS 21 
 
 'Savages are most interesting,' Charlie 
 replied, in a mincing way. ' Their habits and 
 customs, you know, and their artistic develop- 
 ment ! ' 
 
 'And such a lark fighting em,' Tom went 
 on. * I mean to write books of travel like 
 Stanley's.' 
 
 • Or Nansen's,' Charlie put in. 
 
 'Oh, I don't put much stock in Nansen,' 
 Tom answered, his lip curling with contempt. 
 ' He never kills anybody. I don't call it travel 
 unless you can shoot just thousands and 
 thousands of savages.' 
 
 ' The question is,' Olive interposed, ' talking 
 of Stanley, where are we this moment? We seem 
 to be explorers. But what are we exploring ? ' 
 
 'Space,' the Greedy Boy suggested, looking 
 about him. 
 
 'I think not,' Charlie answered. ' I've been 
 bringing my intellect to bear upon the problem, 
 and my opinion is that we're Out of Bounds 
 altogether. We're abroad in Infinity.' 
 
 'If so,' Tom said, 'all parallel lines must 
 meet here ; for, when produced, they meet at 
 infinity. And I don't seem to see them.' 
 
22 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 * Perhaps not at this part of infinity,' Charlie 
 remarked with a sage nod. * Infinity is infinite.* 
 
 * It looks very beautiful,' Olive interposed, 
 for she hated mathematics. 
 
 'Just so,' Charlie answered. ' It's Infinitely 
 Beautiful.' 
 
 * That sounds like reason,' the Greedy Boy 
 assented. 
 
 ' I don't see it at all,' Tom objected. 
 'Why shouldn't it just as well be Infinitely 
 Ugly?' 
 
 ' Oh, if you're going to argufy,' Charlie said 
 in an offended tone, ' I withdraw from the 
 discussion. I only reason where nobody dis- 
 agrees with me.' 
 
 'Dear me,' Olive broke in, 'how very odd 
 it is ; I can't imagine where we are. We seem 
 to be everywhere, all at once, together.' 
 
 Tom looked up as she spoke, and certainly 
 saw a strange assemblage of buildings and 
 objects spread visibly in front of them. In the 
 foreground stood the Great Pyramid, backed 
 up, apparently, by Cologne Cathedral, with the 
 Taj Mahal at Agra on the summit of the 
 Apennines. A little beyond, he felt sure he 
 
FIRST IMPRESSIONS 23 
 
 recognised the Grand Stand at Epsom, as well 
 as the Kremlin at Moscow, poised, as one 
 might naturally expect, on the banks of the 
 Niagara just above the Falls, where the river 
 widens out into the Straits of Dover. The 
 other buildings were less certain at first sight ; 
 but amongst them he believed he could dis- 
 tinguish a Kaffir kraal, the Mosque of St. 
 Sophia, Mudie's (Select) Library, and Tom 
 Tower in Christ Church. 
 
 '/ know where we are,' Charlie burst out 
 confidently. ' That's St. Peter's at Rome ' — 
 he pointed to the Kremlin ; — 'and those build- 
 ings behind' — he glanced at the Taj and the 
 Grand Stand at Epsom — * they're — um — you 
 recollect — the architecture of the Forum, 
 exactly as one sees it restored and recon- 
 structed in the frontispiece to Dr. Smith's 
 Smaller History' ^ - - 
 
 * Oh no,' Olive interrupted ; * there's the 
 Arc de Triomphe ; so we must be in Paris. 
 I saw it when I was at the Continental with 
 mamma last summer.' ■ 
 
 (It was the Arch of Constantine ; but that 
 is immaterial.) 
 
24 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 */ think,' Tom said, 'it's certainly Venice ; 
 for just look at the gondolas ! ' Which would 
 have been really a tolerable guess, were it not 
 for the fact that they were Amsterdam cabbage- 
 boats. 
 
 The Greedy Boy took a more careful survey 
 before rushing into an opinion. ' For my part,' 
 he said slowly, * I know it's Brighton ; I can 
 see Mutton's window, with the jam-rolls and 
 the cheese-cakes.' 
 
 And to do him justice, he was the only one 
 who made a decent shot at it. - . 
 
 ' I wish I had some money,' he went on, 
 after a pause. 'I'd like some jam-roll. But 
 I spent all my silver on plum-cake before we 
 came her^, and I carry my gold in a sovereign 
 case, which is at home on my dressing-table.' 
 He spoke in a lordly voice, but omitted to 
 add that it was quite empty. 
 
 ' I carry my gold in a collar- stud,' Tom 
 answered defiantly. Which was perfectly true, 
 for he had none other. 
 
 *This is trifling,' Charlie put in, with 
 marked severity ; ' mere childish trifling. Here 
 we stand face to face with a tremendous pro- 
 
FIRST IMPRESSIONS 
 
 25 
 
 blem of Space and Time — and we talk about 
 jam-rolls! Cecil, I'm ashamed of you.' 
 
 The Greedy Boy looked huffy. ' Oh, very 
 well,' he said, *you ^ • 
 
 can say what you 
 like. But you must 
 remember that un- 
 less we eat, sooner 
 or later we die ; and 
 what can be more 
 important than 
 human life I'd like 
 to know, Charlie ? 
 Recklessness of 
 human life is the 
 worst fault of the 
 century.' 
 
 'My idea is,' 
 Charlie went on, 
 looking wise, * that 
 we have penetrated 
 here beyond the limits of Space ; and there- 
 fore that all places are one and the same 
 to us.' 
 
 ' Impossible ! ' Tom said doggedly. 
 
 THE GREEDY BOY LOOKED HUFFY. 
 
»0 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 * Why so ? ' Charlie inquired, with a bland 
 air of condescension. 
 
 * Because,' Tom said, 'my point is, that no 
 point in space can ever be the same as any 
 other.' 
 
 * Well,' Charlie answered, with a demon- 
 strative air ; * and my point is, that every point 
 out of space must always be the same as every 
 other. Therefore, my point is the same as your 
 point ; and so there's no difference at all 
 between us.' 
 
 Tom said nothing. This sounded con- 
 clusive ; but somehow he felt sure there was 
 something wrong in Charlie's reasoning some- 
 where. However, as he couldn't spot the 
 fallacy, he preferred to be silent ; for speech is 
 silvern, but silence is golden ; and Tom was 
 not a bimetallist. 
 
 The Greedy Boy saw a chance for ventilating 
 his own ideas at this juncture. ' i think,' he 
 said, very pompously, * I see how this matter 
 stands. I look at it, of course, fiom a City 
 standpoint' (His papa was not only a stock- 
 broker, but also an Alderman ; and Cecil 
 himself was in training for the same position 
 
FIRST IMPRESSIONS 27 
 
 in future, which was why he devoted so much 
 of his attention to jam-rolls and cheese-cakes.) 
 ' If you walk about in the City, you'll see ever 
 so many places stuck up, " Brown and Green, 
 Limited " ; '* The Amalgamated Society of Egg- 
 boilers, Limited " ; " The Scottish Widows' 
 Consolation, Limited " ; " Sir Augustus Smith, 
 Limited." Now, why all these limitations? 
 Clearly because of the limited space still left in 
 the City. If they had more elbow-room — as 
 for example on the prairies — they wouldn't 
 want to limit themselves. Well, at home, 
 people frequently say, " My time is limited." 
 They needn't, here. Here we have got to 
 where Space is fiee, and Time unlimited. As 
 Charlie remark'^ we are obviously Out of 
 Bounds. We have climbed behind the wall 
 that confines the Universe, and are at present 
 in Vacancy.' 
 
 'Why, that's just like what Milton did!' 
 Olive exclaimed. * I read it last night in the 
 Golden Treasury. "He passed the flaming 
 bounds of Place and Time." That must mean 
 the Horn and the Ivory Gate, I'm sure. Only, 
 they don't seem to flame now. But perhaps,' 
 
28 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 she added thoughtfully, ' that was put in just to 
 make the line up.' 
 
 * Of course,' Tom answered. * They 
 always do it so. When they can't make a 
 line scan, they look up an epithet, to fill the 
 place, in the Gradus. Bless your heaf't ! the 
 Gradus is all full of epithets, of assorted lengths, 
 for every possible occasion. There couldnt be 
 any poetry if it wasn't for the Gradus.' 
 
 'Oh, can't we go to some other part of 
 infinity, though ? ' Olive exclaimed, growing 
 tired of this perpetual wrangle. *A11 these 
 houses, and shops, and streets, and waterfalls, 
 spinning about on their own axles, seem to 
 make my head swim. How they go 
 round and round ! What makes them, I 
 wonder? ' 
 
 ' Centrifugal force,* Tom suggested. For 
 certainly Niagara was revolving like mad in its 
 own whirlpool. 
 
 ' No such thing exists,' Charlie put in, with 
 a very decided voice. * It used to, you know, 
 but it has lately been blown upon. Nothing 
 goes round nov/ ; except, of course, the loving- 
 cup, the earth, and the postman.' 
 
FIRST IMPRESSIONS 29 
 
 * I can see it go round,' Olive answered. 
 'And seeing is believing.' 
 
 * Oh dear no ! ' Charlie exclaimed, shaking 
 his head. ' That's quite an exploded idea. 
 Why, I've seen the Prime Minister, and I 
 don't at all believe in him.' 
 
 But whether the Prime Minister at that 
 moment was a Liberal or a Conservative I 
 decline to tell you, because this book has no 
 political purpose, except, perhaps, as regards 
 the internal politics of the Chinese Empire. 
 
 * My papa says he never believes in Com- 
 pany Promoters,' the Greedy Boy remarked ; 
 ' he's seen too many of them. Which of 
 course couldn't be true if seeing were believing.' 
 
 ' Well, I want to go to some other point 
 in infinity,' Olive said, half crying. * I don't 
 like this part. It worries me to see the 
 Pyramids go whizzing about like wheels in a 
 factory.' 
 
 * Then let's start along this path,' Charlie 
 said, turning down a nice one. It looked calm 
 and rural, and it was bordered on either side by 
 a very dense thicket. Olive was quite relieved. 
 But they hadn't gone along it a hundred 
 
30 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 
 yards (infinity measurement) when they came 
 to a big boulder which blocked their way com- 
 pletely. 
 
 * Let's turn back,' Olive said, much dis- 
 appointed. 
 
 PUSHING AWAY THE BOULDER. 
 
 ' Oh no, let's roll it away,' Tom suggested. 
 ' Being here in infinity, our force must be 
 infinite. So of course we can roll it away, if 
 we only put our shoulders to it.' And he 
 proceeded to do so. 
 
 ' Perhaps,' the Greedy Boy said, 'it may be 
 
FIRST IMPRESSIONS 31 
 
 an immovable body ; and if an irresistible force 
 meets an immovable body ' 
 
 ' Oh, rot ! ' Tom cried. ' Come here and help 
 me ; don't stand there and grin like a blithering 
 idiot.' 
 
 The Greedy Boy rushed forward to help 
 him, and between them, after a short struggle, 
 they managed to push the stone away. 
 
 * Why do idiots blither ? ' Olive inquired 
 reflectively. * Now I come to think of it, I 
 never heard of anybody but an idiot blithering.' 
 
 ' How do idiots blither ? ' Charlie added. 
 ' Try to picture it to yourself. Can you tell 
 me exactly what is the process of blithering } ' 
 
 * Do idiots blither ? ' Tom went on, going to 
 the root of the matter. ' I've often heard of 
 blithering idiots, but, to the best of my belief, 
 I never saw one.' 
 
 'Then you have been fortunate,' Charlie 
 remarked, with a very cutting air. * For my 
 part, wherever I go, I meet blithering idiots 
 knocking about by the dozen. To me they 
 are common objects of the country.' And he 
 waved his hand expansively. 
 
 This was because Charlie was a Very 
 
32 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 Superior Person, and it is part of the character 
 of Very Superior People to think almost every- 
 body else a blithering idiot. 
 
 ' Don't let's blither any more,' Olive put in. 
 ' I'm getting tired of blithering. Let's go 
 along the path and see what we come to.' 
 
 ' Why, it was you who began it ! ' Tom 
 exclaimed. 'You asked at first why idiots 
 blither.' 
 
 'Oh no,' Olive answered, flushing up. 'It 
 was you yourself, Tom ; you told Cecil not to 
 stand there and grin like a blithering idiot.' 
 
 ' Keep your hair on,' Tom said in a provok- 
 ing voice. 
 
 ' An idea strikes me,' Charlie cried. 
 
 ' Then hit it back again,' Tom answered. 
 
 * You wicked boy, Tom ! ' Olive exclaimed 
 hastily. * That wouldn't be Christian.' 
 
 ' My idea is this,' Charlie went on. * It is 
 the atmosphere of this place which predisposes 
 one to argument. Ever since we came here, 
 we've all been disputatious. I think the climate 
 must have something to do with it.' 
 
 ' I haven't a doubt of that,' the Greedy Boy 
 answered, with a voice of profound conviction. 
 
FIRST IMPRESSIONS 33 
 
 * I find this air has a stimulating and bracing 
 effect upon the intellect. I never wrote poetry 
 in my life before; but since I've been here' — 
 he looked down rather modestly — * I've had 
 a sort of inspiration, and I've written a little 
 thing I should like to read you.' 
 
 * Spit it out,' Tom said. And the Greedy 
 Boy pulled a scrap of paper from his pocket 
 somewhat nervously. 
 
 * What do you call it ? ' Charlie inquired. 
 The Greedy Boy hesitated. 'Well, it's a 
 
 simple little piece,' he answered, looking shy ; 
 ' a mere transcript, don't you know, of my 
 own inner feelings. I dare say other fellows 
 (like you) won't recognise at first the poetical 
 aroma in it — resembling pear-drops, if I may 
 say so, or fresh honey in autumn. It's a sort 
 of rhyme of the months, I ought to tell you — 
 a kind of personal almanac' 
 
 ' Oh, you needn't be so modest about it,' 
 Tom said. 'If we don't like it, we'll tell 
 you so.' 
 
 ' Critics always do,' Olive added. 
 
 The Greedy Boy looked very little reassured 
 by this kind suggestion. However, he began 
 
 D 
 
34 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 to read his lines in a loving tone, such as poets 
 always adopt when mouthing their own verses. 
 He dwelt with great affection on the principal 
 words in each couplet, and seemed to feel 
 what he read most acutely. And this was 
 the piece which contained the soul of the 
 Greedy Boy, made vocal in poetry. 
 
 TOMMY TUCKER'S CALENDAR 
 
 In January, cold and bleak, 
 
 — Warm ginger-nuts I mostly seek. 
 
 ■; 
 
 In February, 'Good,' I cry; 
 
 ' Now Pancake Day is drawing nigh ! ' 
 
 March winds are nipping ; when in luck, 
 Peppermint balls are what I suck. 
 
 April's the month for Sally Lunns, 
 For Easter eggs and hot cross buns. 
 
 The London season comes in May, 
 With lemon ices every day. 
 
 I'm always glad to know it's June, • : ;■ 
 
 For strawberries will ripen soon ; i;-^. 
 
 While, in July, our garden's merry 
 With currant, gooseberry, and cherry. 
 
 I go in August to the sea. 
 
 And picnic out, with shrimps for tea. 
 
FIRST IMPRESSIONS 35 
 
 September sends me back to school, 
 But hampers help my grief to cool. 
 
 Hooray ! October's here at last ! 
 
 The muffin-man is going past. .- 
 
 November sulics in fog and rain ; 
 But oranges are in again. 
 
 December brings me Christmas treats, 
 Mince pies, plum pudding, figs, and sweets. 
 
 ' What do you think of them ? ' he asked 
 nervously, folding them up and replacing them 
 in his pocket, as soon as he had finished. 
 
 Tom eyed him severely. 'Well,' he said 
 shortly, ' I told you we'd say if we didn't like 
 them ; and I'll keep my promise. They seem 
 to me about the tuck-shoppiest set of verses I 
 ever heard. If I was as dead-set upon things 
 to eat as that, I don't think I'd write poems to 
 let all the world know it.' 
 
 The Greedy Boy looked hurt. 'I was 
 afraid,' he retorted, 'you had no soul for 
 poetry.' 
 
THEY SAT DOWN ON A BANK. 
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 SPACE AND SUGAR 
 
 They sat down on a bank overlooking a valley 
 with a big river in the distance. 
 
 * I wonder where we are now,' Olive said, 
 staring hard at the river. 
 
 *0h, anywhere — or nowhere,' Charlie 
 answered carelessly. ' It doesn'.t matter here, 
 you know. It's all the same wherever you 
 are. We're outside space ; so any one place 
 is as good as another.' 
 
 'And rather better,' the Greedy Boy re- 
 
SPACE AND SUGAR 37 
 
 marked, finding some ripe wild strawberries on 
 ; the bank beside him. 
 
 ' I've been here before though, I fancy,* 
 
 Charlie went on. ' I seem to remember ' 
 
 ' Of course you've been here before,' Tom 
 burst out, interrupting him. * This being 
 Everywhere, everybody has naturally been here 
 often.' 
 
 * I don't quite see that,' Charlie answered. 
 ' / take it the other way. This being Nowhere, 
 nobody else has ever been here. We are the 
 first that ever burst into this silent sea.' 
 
 * Papa says Uncle Dick has been Nowhere 
 and known Nobody,' Olive interposed. 
 
 'That's only figurative,' Charlie answered 
 with confidence. * Fathers and mothers often 
 talk figuratively. If children do it ' 
 
 * Oh, you wicked boy ! ' Olive cried. * To 
 speak in such a way about fathers and mothers ! ' 
 
 * They're human like ourselves, I suppose,' 
 Charlie answered. * I remember once, when 
 Queen Elizabeth was a girl ' 
 
 'You can't,' Tom broke in. 'That was 
 before your time.' He was sure he was using 
 the right phrase now, because Papa always 
 
33 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 said it to Uncle Dick, who was his younger 
 brother. 
 
 * Nonsense ! ' Charlie exclaimed. ' I re- 
 member Queen Elizabeth perfectly. She began 
 to reign ' 
 
 *You got that out of the history book, 
 Olive said. * You can't possibly remember 
 people who were dead before you were born.' 
 
 *Oh, what stuff!' Charlie cried. 'Why, 
 there*s Shakespeare, for instance ; he lived at 
 the same time as Queen Elizabeth ; and I re- 
 member, well, lots and lots of Shakespeare. 
 Here's a bit for example : — 
 
 The quality of mercy is not strain'd ; 
 It droppeth ' 
 
 * Oh, drop it ! ' Tom cried. And Charlie 
 dropped it. 
 
 * I'm glad /didn't live then,' the Greedy Boy 
 put in. * Do you know, in Shakespeare's time, 
 they had no tea and no coffee ! Grown-up 
 people drank beer for breakfast, and children 
 had nothing at all but mugs of cold water. 
 Ugh ! It makes me just shudder to think of it.' 
 
 * Poor things ! ' Olive said. ' Bread and 
 
SPACE AND SUGAR 39 
 
 butter with cold water must have been very 
 nasty.' 
 
 ' Perhaps they liked it in those times,' Tom 
 interposed carelessly. In Tom's opinion, people 
 in other days were not worth troubling about. 
 
 * I don't think so,' Charlie answered, in his 
 most priggish tone. * Human nature is the 
 same in all times and all places.' He had read 
 that in a newspaper. 
 
 * Rot ! ' Tom replied with vigour. * Human 
 nature isnt the same in England and in China, 
 thank you. It isn't the same where Red 
 Indians roast you alive as in London, is it ? 
 In my opinion, there's no such thing as human 
 nature at all ; there are only human natures.' 
 
 * But matters were worse still in Greece and 
 Rome,' the Greedy Boy went on, pursuing his 
 own train of thought, without noticing the 
 interruption. * There, they had no sugar ! 
 Just fancy that ! — life without sugar ! ' 
 
 * Perhaps they used something else instead,' 
 Olive suggested. ' An excellent substitute for 
 butter at breakfast.' It did seem hard to her 
 that people should have to go without sugar, 
 
 ' Well, there was honey,' the Greedy Boy 
 
40 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 answered. * But what's the good of honey ? 
 Very nice when you can get it ; but you can't 
 get enough of it. Besides, you see, it's not 
 sugar itself alone one would miss, but all the 
 things that are made with sugar. No cakes, 
 you know ; no toffee, no butter-scotch, no 
 chocolates ! ' And his face grew pathetic. 
 
 'That's really serious,' Olive remarked, with 
 a thoughtful expression. ' I agree with you ; 
 I'm glad I wasn't born a little Greek or Roman.' 
 
 ' / should think not ! ' I'om exclaim.ed. * To 
 have to talk Greek verbs or Latin grammar ! 
 Fancy being always obliged to step and think 
 what was the accusative o{ panis before you 
 could even ask for another slice of bread ! 
 Why, if you said Da me panem, instead of Da 
 mihi, they'd give you fifty lines! And then 
 a fellow would always be making no end of 
 false quantities.' 
 
 * Eut what did the little Greeks and Romans 
 eat ? ' Olive inquired, much interested. 
 
 'As far as I can make out,' the Greedy Boy 
 answered, * from my historical investigations, 
 they ate mostly black bread — which mtist have 
 been beastliness ; and olives, which are all 
 
SPACE AND SUGAR 41 
 
 very well for grown-up people, of course — 
 grown-up people like such horrid messes — but 
 for my part, I hate them ; and then on 
 Sundays ' 
 
 * They had no Sundays ! ' Tom exclaimed. 
 * They were all of them poor benighted 
 heathen.' 
 
 * Poor benighted heathen ! I should think 
 so,' the Greedy Boy answered. 'Why, the 
 only sort of food fit to eat they ever seem to 
 have got was an occasional cake, made with 
 leavings of honey, and a little fruit in season — 
 which is very seldom.' 
 
 Charlie appreciated this truth. ' It seems 
 sad,' he said, * in a Christian land, to contemplate 
 the fact that generation after generation of 
 human boys and girls grew up in utter 
 ignorance of the joys of sugar ! ' 
 
 Tom, for his part, was not inclined to waste 
 much sympathy upon the brutes who invented 
 Latin grammar. ' I expect,' he said, * they got 
 on all right without it. They couldn't have 
 had much time for amusements, you see ; they 
 must all have been so busy learning genders 
 and exceptions.' 
 
'm 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 • But the 
 grew elo- 
 subject was 
 spired him. 
 sad,' he said ; 
 often try to 
 There was 
 the Gracchi, 
 — you read 
 Dr. Smith's 
 however 
 boys may^:^,^ 
 she could 
 
 Greedy Boy 
 quent. The 
 one that in- 
 'Yes, it was 
 'very sad. I 
 picture it. 
 the Mother of 
 for example 
 about her in 
 history — 
 good her 
 have been, 
 never have 
 P.'^^^^ted Tiberius in 
 
 his tender youth with a box of chocolate 
 creams, or soothed little Caius s revolutionary 
 spirit by the timely administration of a packet 
 of bon-bons.' 
 
 ' That's a good sentence ! ' Tom remarked, 
 looking up at him. ' How long did it take you 
 to make it up, I wonder ? ' 
 
 The Greedy Boy took no notice, but went 
 on with his oration. He was in his element 
 now. 'Then young Plato,' he cried, 'strolling 
 down the Long Walls from Athens to Pir^us 
 
 LITTLE CAIUS. 
 
SPACE AND SUGAR 43 
 
 — he saw no enticing pear-drops in the con- 
 fectioners* windows on which to expend the 
 obolus his papa had just given him. Infancy 
 without sugar is terrible to think upon. Was 
 life worth living then, I wonder .'* We, in this 
 enlightened age of School Boards and caramels, 
 can hardly realise it. And yet mankind, for 
 many centuries and in many nations, had no 
 sweetmeat to bestow upon its rising members 
 except figs, dried plums, or an occasional 
 honey-comb. And what were they among so 
 many ? ' 
 
 ' It's enough to account for the sternness 
 and severity of the ancient Romans,' Charlie 
 observed thoughtfully. 
 
 'It is indeed,' the Greedy Boy answered. 
 'Just picture their frightful state of destitution! 
 No treacle for puddings, no jam, no marmalade ; 
 no sweetening for one's tea, and no tea to put it 
 in ! ' The Greedy Boy paused, almost reduced 
 to tears in his sympathy for the sugarless 
 Greeks and Romans. 
 
 Even Tom was aroused by this time. ' But 
 they must have had hampers,' he objected. 
 * No fellow could ever get along without 
 
44 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 hampers. The question is, What did they 
 put in them ? When Perieles was at school, 
 and his mother sent him a basket of good 
 things by the carrier, how did she pack it ? 
 When Julius Csesar had a birthday, or 
 
 PERICLES* MOTHER SENT HIM A BASKET OF GOOD THINGS, 
 
 Alexander came back from Thebes for the 
 half-term, if they hadn't plum-cake and ginger- 
 bread pudding, what the dickens did they 
 have, please?' 
 
 'You mustn't say **what the dickens," 
 Tom,* Olive interrupted. ' It's vulgar.' 
 
SPACE AND SUGAR - 45 
 
 ' Imagination staggers before that appalling 
 void ! ' Charlie exclaimed. ' The question is 
 unanswerable in the present century. I'll tell 
 you what we must do. Let's go back and 
 inquire about it.' 
 
 * Go back ! ' Olive burst out. ' Oh, Charlie, 
 what nonsense ! ' - - . 
 
 * Not at all,' Charlie answered. * It's like 
 this, don't you see. The great philosopher 
 Kant ' 
 
 * If the great philosopher can't, it's plain you 
 won't be able,' Tom interposed somewhat 
 sneeringly. 
 
 * Kant, the great German philosopher,' 
 Charlie went on, unmoved, 'has shown us 
 that Time has no objective existence ' 
 
 ' No how much ? ' Tom asked, open-mouthed. 
 
 * No objective existence,' Charlie repeated, 
 somewhat pompously. ' There's no such thing, 
 don't you know ; it's purely subjective ; a 
 figment, so to speak, of the human imagina- 
 tion.' 
 
 ' Then what do we have watches for ? ' Tom 
 asked, incredulous. 
 
 * Because all of us believe the same silly 
 
46 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 error,' Charlie answered. ' Disbelieve in Time, 
 and you abolish it instantly. It was Kant's 
 opinion that if ' 
 
 ' Where did you mug that up ? ' Tom asked. 
 
 Charlie went on without noticing him. 
 * That if we all of us looked at things in the 
 proper way, we should see Time did not exist 
 at all — that everything in the world was 
 taking place at once, just the same as in a 
 picture.' 
 
 * He must have been mad,' Tom answered 
 stoutly. 
 
 * Not a bit of it,' Charlie replied. * You 
 see, it's this way. Sound and light take time 
 to travel.' 
 
 * Oh, of course, we all know that,' the 
 Greedy Boy answered. * First you see the 
 flash, and then you hear the bang. We've 
 heard all about it.' 
 
 ' But some of the fixed stars are so very far 
 off that the light we now see from them must 
 have left them eight million years ago — or is it 
 eighty million ? — I really forget which ; but it's 
 one or the other.' 
 
 ' It don't much matter,' Tom put in. 
 
. ' ' SPACE AND SUGAP 47 
 
 ' Numbers are all the same when you come to 
 millions.' 
 
 ' That's true,' Charlie replied. * Well, now, 
 if one of those stars was burnt out, say 
 three million years ago, the light that left it 
 five million years before would still be coming 
 to us; and it would take five million years 
 more before we discovered it had left oft 
 burning.' 
 
 . * Oh, Charlie, you make me dizzy ! ' Olive 
 cried. * You're as bad as an astronomy 
 book.' 
 
 ' So this is my idea,' Charlie continued. 
 
 * Having got outside space, or rather, having 
 reduced it to nothing, we've got outside time 
 too, for all practical purposes. Suppose we 
 want to see the reign of Queen Elizabeth ; all 
 we have to do is to put ourselves at the point in 
 space where the light which left our world in 
 Queen Elizabeth's time is now on tour — and 
 there you are, you see ; you can look at every- 
 thing as easily as if you were living in Queen 
 Elizabeth's England.' 
 
 * I object to this,' the Greedy Boy said. 
 
 * It's too beastly metaphysical.' 
 
48 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 'And too much like school,' Tom added, 
 * or University extension. Let's collect the 
 Nowherites, and have a jolly good game of 
 football ! ' * 
 
 * This is much better fun,' Charlie said. ' I 
 see no end of a joke in it. We'll place our- 
 selves at a point in space which answers 
 to Queen Elizabeth's age, if you like ; and 
 then, we'll watch what they're all saying and 
 doing.' 
 
 '/ don't want to go any further,' Olive said, 
 yawning. * I'm tired already.' 
 
 ^You needn't move a step,' Charlie said 
 soothingly. 'Wherever it is, you're there 
 already.' 
 
 ' How awfully convenient ! ' the Greedy Boy 
 observed. */ want it to be the American 
 candy-shop in Regent Street.' 
 
 'You've got no money,' Charlie answered. 
 ' So it's no use your being there. Besides, 
 the will of the majority carries it. Ladies 
 first ! Where would you like to be in Time, 
 Olive?' 
 
 ' Not Greeks,' Tom cried. ' I won't have 
 Greeks at any price!' 
 
SPACE AND SUGAR 
 
 49 
 
 ' Nor Romans,' the Greedy Boy added. 
 ' I'm sick of Latin.' 
 
 ' Make it Assyrians,' Olive said lazily. 
 
 ' Assyrians it is,' Charlie replied. And, 
 raising their eyes, they were aware of a great 
 host of armed men in very peculiar costume, 
 with singularly curled beards, coming full tilt 
 
 i(.c^:;^:=iii£^^Ib'.: 
 
 ARMED MEN COMING FULL TILT TOWARDS THEM. 
 
 towards them. Their costumes and trappings 
 were extremely gorgeous. 
 
 What pleased Tom most in this host was 
 its singular unanimity — as you see in the 
 picture. Whenever one horse raised its foot, 
 all the other horses raised their corresponding 
 feet in just the same fashion : whenever one 
 man brandished a spear, all the other men 
 did the same at an identical angle. As a 
 piece of drill, it was really wonderful. Tom 
 was quite charmed with it. 
 
 E 
 
CHAPTER IV 
 
 THE HIGHEST CHICLES 
 
 OLIVE SHRANK BACK. 
 
 Olive shrank back, terrified. *0h, who are 
 these men ? ' she cried. ' Are they going to 
 drive over us ? ' 
 
 Even Charlie himself drew away for a 
 second, his philosophy deserting him. Then 
 he remembered all at once that it is the part 
 of men to pretend they are brave before the 
 eyes of women. * Oh, ^Aey can't hurt you,' he 
 said boldly, assuming an off-hand air. 'You 
 see, the fact is, they don't belong to our set ; 
 they're in a different century.' 
 
 The strange men drove on, in their rattling 
 chariots, right across the field of view, making 
 straight for the children. 'Why, of course,' 
 
THE HIGHEST CIRCLES ' 51 
 
 Tom cried, looking up, 'it's the Assyrians. 
 They were always at it. 
 
 The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold, 
 don't you know .? — 
 
 And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold. 
 
 It says so in the hymn-book.' 
 
 ' Nonsense!' Charh'e exclaimed. 'Not the 
 hymn-book! It's Byron.' 
 
 'And are those the cohorts,' Olive cried— 
 'those long things with pointed tips they're 
 carrying in their hands } ' 
 
 * No, no, those are spears ! ' Tom answered 
 contemptuously. He was a boy, and he laughed 
 at her. * You know it goes on — 
 
 And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea, 
 When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee. 
 
 The cohorts, of course,' he continued, more 
 dubiously, 'are the shields with the fringe to ' 
 them.' 
 
 But before they could make any further 
 archaeological discoveries, the army of strange 
 men was upon them with a burst, and called a 
 halt very fiercely just in front of them. 
 
52 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 ' What abject slaves are these ? ' asked a 
 loud voice. Olive looked up in terror, and 
 saw it was a King — an Assyrian King — exactly 
 as she had seen him in sculptured alabaster at 
 the British Museum. 
 
 * Oh, I wish I hadn't said Assyrians ! ' she 
 cried hastily to Charlie. 'Couldn't you make 
 it ancient Greeks ? They were so much more 
 gentlemanly ! ' 
 
 'That's all right,' Charlie answered, a trifle 
 afraid himself. * You see we can go back to 
 any other century as soon as ever we choose. 
 So we may as well stop and see the fun out.' 
 
 'What abject slaves are these.'*' the King 
 called out again in a very loud voice. ' Chief 
 Chamberlain, how have you allowed a parcel of 
 wretched and uncouth creatures, in impossible 
 garments, to obtrude themselves before the eyes 
 of the Lord of Nineveh .? ' . 
 
 * Oh, if it comes to that,' Charlie inter- 
 posed, growing rather white in the face, 'who 
 are you yourself that come kicking up such 
 a dust before the eyes of four free-born 
 British subjects ? * 
 
 The King was beside himself. 'Chief 
 
THE HIGHEST CIRCLES 53 
 
 Chamberlain,' he cried, in a perfectly choking 
 voice, ' here, quick ! My executioners!' 
 
 ' He's going to behead us ! ' Olive broke 
 out, shrinking. * Oh, Tom, let's run ! I'm sure 
 he'll behead us ! ' 
 
 * He can't,' Tom answered sturdily. ' He's 
 thirty centuries too early. Let him hit one 
 of his own size, and age, and epoch ! ' 
 
 The Chief Chamberlain trembled violently 
 in all his limbs. * May it please your Majesty,' 
 he said, ' Descendant of Ninus * 
 
 'Come to the point!' the King cried, 
 stamping his foot. * Who are these miserable 
 barbarians.'* What strange clothes do they 
 wear ? From what wild region do they issue ? 
 And how did they come here ? ' 
 
 * Please your Majesty,' the Chamberlain 
 answered, in a most frightened voice, 'they 
 belong to the future, to the very remote future 
 — to a period removed from your most glorious 
 reign by many, many centuries.' 
 
 * Flay them alive ! ' said the King, with the 
 simple conciseness of Oriental monarchy. 
 
 F'our executioners, with carefully curled hair, 
 and beards to match, advanced to seize them. 
 
54 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 'You can't,' Tom said firmly, clenching 
 his fists and his teeth. ' If you do, I'll 
 appeal for compensation to the nearest British 
 Consul.' 
 
 The executioners came forward and tried 
 to catch them. As they did so, to Olive's 
 great relief, it appeared that their arms seemed 
 
 '^"^^^ 
 
 FOUR EXECUTIONERS WITH CAREFULLY CURLED HAIR. 
 
 to pass through them like a shadow. They 
 made three or four attempts, like clowns at 
 the pantomime, and then drew back in obvious 
 horror. ' Please your Majesty, we can't catch 
 them,' the Chief Executioner said, with an 
 appealing look at the King, his knees trembling 
 beneath him. 
 
■■•• •?-»>•,: 
 
 THE HIGHEST CIRCLES 55 
 
 * Nonsense ! ' the King cried. * See here, 
 77/ arrest them.' 
 
 He strode forward, very wroth, and tried 
 to catch hold of them. But somehow the 
 children seemed to elude his grasp. He grew 
 purple in the face — a fine Tyrian purple. 
 
 Tom burst out laughing to look at him. 
 
 ' Anachronism ! ' the King called out savagely, 
 making another wild lunge, and tumbling 
 over in the process. ' Wretched, miserable 
 anachronism ! ' 
 
 'Anachronism yourself!' Tom answered, 
 stung by the insult to a lively sense of 
 repartee. ' You're thousands of years behind 
 the times!' And he squared up to him like 
 a Briton. 
 
 ' What is an anachronism ? ' Olive asked, still 
 trembling. 
 
 * Something good to eat, I hope,' the Greedy 
 Boy said longingly. 
 
 * An anachronism,' Charlie answered ; 
 ' well, an anachronism is — an anachronism. 
 Something like this, you know — when you 
 make somebody do or say something he 
 couldn't possibly have done in the age he 
 
56 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 lived in ; as if, for example, I were to tell 
 you that Hannibal crossed the Alps by the 
 Mont Cenis Railway, or that William the 
 Conqueror spent his early youth at an American 
 university.' 
 
 * But how can he go through us like that ? ' 
 Tom exclaimed. ' It's clean against all the 
 laws of physics. No two bodies can occupy 
 the same point in space at the same time, it 
 says so in Todhunter.' 
 
 'That's just it,' Charlie answered. 'It isfit 
 at the same time. You see, the fact is, we're 
 in difterent centuries.' 
 
 By this time the King was fuming and 
 raging. ' Blow them all up with dynamite ! ' 
 he shrieked aloud. 
 
 * There ! ' Charlie said triumphantly. * That, 
 you see, is an anachronism! Any well-educated 
 Assyrian ought to have known very well he 
 was long before dynamite.' 
 
 'Quick, quick!' the King cried, enraged at 
 being told he was behind the times. ' Dynamite ! 
 I say. Dynamite ! ' 
 
 * Please your Majesty,' the Chief Chamber- 
 lain answered, almost too frightened for words, 
 
thp: highest circles 57 
 
 * it cant be dynamite. That's not yet in- 
 vented.' 
 
 ' I told you so ! ' Charlie exclaimed, turning 
 round to them with delight. * Now you see I 
 was right ! His Majesty has been guilty of a 
 most flagrant anachronism.' 
 
 But the King, after the fashion of kings, saw 
 the matter in a different light. 'Not invented?' 
 he exclaimed, growing black in the face with 
 rage. ' Then what are my wise men for ? 
 Forward the magicians! Let them instantly 
 invent it.' 
 
 Nobody, however, took the slightest notice. 
 
 * Look here,' the King said after a dramatic 
 pause, 'this is the Chief Chamberlain's business. 
 He must be flayed alive himself. — Executioners, 
 advance, and do your duty ! ' 
 
 The executioners, glad to be let off on their 
 own account, came forward with alacrity, and 
 seized the wretched, struggling Chamberlain. 
 He was a big fat-faced man, exactly as Olive 
 and Tom had seen him on the contemporary 
 sculptures at the British Museum. In a second, 
 the executioners had caught him, and thrown 
 him down on the ground, and were proceeding 
 
 / 
 
58 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 to sharpen their knives before his eyes in the 
 most businessHke manner. 
 
 The Chief Chamberlain begged and prayed. 
 ' O King,' he said, 'spare me ! ' 
 
 'Don't make such a fuss about it!' the 
 King answered. 'Go and be flayed like a 
 man. What / like to see is cheerfiU obedi- 
 ence.' 
 
 Olive couldn't help crying when the exe- 
 cutioners came forward. She was a tender- 
 hearted child ; and being flayed alive must be 
 so very unpleasant ! 
 
 But 'Jharlie laughed at her. 'What's the 
 good of crying,' he said, 'about a thing that 
 took place three thousand odd years ago } ' 
 
 'Only it looks so real,' Olive sobbed out, 
 ' when you see it taking place before your very 
 eyes. You can't help thinking it's really 
 happening.' 
 
 ' For my part,' Tom put in, ' I don't believe 
 it much matters whether it's now or then. It's 
 the being under one's eyes that makes all the 
 difference. I'm not going to stand it, I say. 
 I won't let them bully him.' 
 
 ' Worse things are happening at this moment 
 
 / 
 
THE HIGHEST CIRCLES 59 
 
 in China,' the Greedy Boy suggested. * Only 
 you don't see them.' 
 
 'And we do see this,' Tom answered. 
 ' And I'm not going to put up with it. It's the 
 
 proud boast of the British flag ' And, 
 
 doubling his fists, he made for the Assyrian 
 King in a threatening attitude, 
 
 ' Bless my soul ! ' the King cried, rubbing 
 his eyes; 'what's this.^ How extraordinary! 
 Why, I've seen it in all the boys' papers in our 
 museums. It's the Daundess British Youth at 
 his well-known game of bearding the tyrant in 
 his den and releasing the captive ! When once 
 he begins, the rest of us had better give in as 
 gracefully as possible. — Executioners, you may 
 as well retire from this job, and wait while I 
 arrange terms of peace with the enemy.' 
 
 The Chief Chamberlain looked up from the 
 ground with a faint fawning smile. 'And I 
 am pardoned } ' he asked, in a tremulous voice. 
 'O Great King! has your well-known clem- 
 ency been extended to your servant ? ' 
 
 'Yes, you're pardoned, old fellow,' Tom 
 answered, seeing the Assyrians thoroughly 
 cowed by the familiar apparition of the British 
 
6o TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 Boy in his guise of preserver. ' Get up and be 
 a man ! No more of this cringing ! ' 
 
 The Chief Chamberlain got up, looked 
 round him furtively, and after a profound 
 Assyrian obeisance or two, both to the King 
 and to Tom, slank back, white as death, into 
 the ranks of the army. 
 
 , ' Now just you look here, your Majesty,' 
 Tom said, following up his advantage (for 
 it was clear the King was thoroughly afraid 
 of him), * we will arrange a mode of settle- 
 ment of our little differences on the basis of 
 every man sticking like a brick to his own 
 century.' 
 
 'Delighted, I'm sure! 'the King answered, 
 rubbing his hands Assyrian - wise ; 'for if 
 once you begin going at me with your nine- 
 teenth century artillery ' — he glanced round at 
 his brave spearmen — * it's all up with the army.' 
 
 AN ASSYRIAN OBEISANCE. 
 
THE HIGHEST CIRCLES 6i 
 
 'I've read that in the Latin Grammar,' 
 Tom murmured. ' I know the very words for 
 it; I learnt them last week — actum est de 
 exercitu' 
 
 ' But nineteenth century artillery ! ' Charlie 
 cried, with a face of horror. * Another flagrant 
 anachronism! The man has no sense of 
 historical propriety ! ' 
 
 'Perhaps,' Olive said, 'here in Nowhere, 
 since time has been abolished, it doesn't much 
 matter whether or not you commit an anach — 
 a whatever-you-call-it-ism.' 
 
 Charlie brightened up visibly at the thought. 
 ' Why, of course,' he said, ' that's so. How 
 clever of you to think of it, Olive ! All times 
 being the same, it doesn't much matter how 
 wildly you jumble them.' 
 
 'And a jolly good thing too,' the Greedy 
 Boy acquiesced with joy ; ' for then you needn't 
 bother about those beastly dates in Greek and 
 Roman history.' 
 
 At that precise moment, the King stepped 
 forward with a peculiarly benign and inane 
 Assyrian smile on his manly features. ' Peace 
 is proclaimed,' he cried aloud, 'on the distinct 
 
62 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 understanding that everybody keeps strictly 
 within his own century.' 
 
 ' Then halt ! ' the General in Command called 
 out. • We encamp here for the evening.' 
 
 The Greedy Boy rubbed his hands. ' That's 
 good!' he murmured to Olive. 'Wherever 
 there's an army, there's always a Commissariat.' 
 
 * What is a Commissariat } ' Olive asked, 
 bewildered. - 
 
 ' Things to eat,' the Greedy Boy answered, 
 a genial smile enveloping his expansive 
 countenance. 
 
 'Then why don't they say so?' Olive 
 asked. 
 
 ' Because it wouldn't be official,' the Greedy 
 Boy replied. ' It's never official to call things 
 by their proper names. You mustn't say 
 officially you gave the other side a jolly good 
 licking. You must say you ''repulsed the 
 opposing forces with considerable loss," or you 
 ''dispersed the enemy's column, which took 
 refuge in the mountains." That's the way to 
 put it.' ^ 
 
 'Supper! 'the General in Command called 
 out aloud, in cuneiform accents. ■ 
 
THE HIGHEST CIRCLES 63 
 
 * All right!' the Greedy Boy answered falling 
 in. ' I'm ready.' 
 
 The Assyrian gazed down at him with 
 severe contempt. ' The terms agreed upon 
 were,' he said, 'that each side should strictly 
 confine itself to its own century.' 
 
 The Greedy Boy's face fell. * I was ex- 
 pecting some figs and dates,' he said gloomily 
 to Olive. * I have always been given to 
 understand that wherever there were Assyrians, 
 there were dates in the background. The one 
 thing I distinctly remember about Assyria is, 
 that the people lived upon dates, which must 
 have been much nicer at any rate than black 
 bread, like the Romans, or black broth, like 
 the Spartans. I think I've read somewhere 
 that the Assyrians used to worship the date 
 palm ; and if you must be a poor benighted 
 heathen, a date palm is a long sight better 
 any way than stocks and stones or Druidical 
 oak-trees. I could never get on upon a diet 
 of acorns.* 
 
 As he spoke, the whole army sat itself down 
 on the hillside, and proceeded to make pre- 
 parations for supper. The Greedy Boy was 
 
^ 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 quite right. Dates formed the staple of the 
 simple entertainment. The Greedy Boy eyed 
 them with ineffable longing. Such dates as 
 the King's in particular he had never before 
 beheld — so beautifully dried, so large and fresh 
 and fruity. They made his mouth water. For 
 some time he stood by while the Head Cook 
 
 THE GREEDY BOY MADE A GRAB AT THE FRUIT. 
 
 and Bottle- Washer prepared the dishes for the 
 royal table. The box was labelled ' Pul-bani- 
 pal, Nineveh, Purveyor by Appointment to 
 His Majesty the King.' At last, his hands 
 could no longer restrain themselves. He leant 
 suddenly forward, and made a grab at the fruit. 
 The King and the Head Cook looked on, 
 astonished. It was sacrilege, pure sacrilege! 
 No private person had ever before dared to 
 
THE HIGHEST CIRCLES 65 
 
 eat the dates that were specially prepared for 
 the Descendant of Ninus. 
 
 ' Stop, stop ! * the Chief Chamberlain cried, 
 bursting forward in his horror at such a breach 
 of etiquette. * It was arranged that either 
 side should remain entirely within his own 
 century.* 
 
 * Never mind,' the King remarked, with a 
 haughty Assyrian smile. * Those royal and 
 imperial fruits, specially prepared for my 
 sacred use, will choke the desecrator.' 
 
 But the Greedy Boy, undisturbed, went 
 on grabbing as many as he could lay his 
 hands on. 
 
 * You'll never be able to eat them,' Charlie 
 broke in. 
 
 ' Why not ? ' the Greedy Boy asked. 
 * They're just lovely. Only look at them ! ' 
 
 'They're three thousand years old,' Charlie 
 answered. * By the time you get them to your 
 mouth, they'll be dry and fusty.' 
 
 ' Three thousand years old ! ' the Greedy 
 Boy exclaimed. 'Impossible! impossible! 
 See how nice and fresh they are ! They look 
 as if they had only been picked and dried this 
 
I jjj«»jpi»ni<^^Tiwi.i»ui"y^,s»»:,-i'w~>jn^|j|™pjpBj 
 
 66 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 week. I don't believe in dates of such immense 
 antiquity.' 
 
 * I beg your pardon,' Charlie said, in his 
 most didactic style. * Recent investigations 
 have pushed back the dates in Assyrian history 
 to ten thousand years.* 
 
 ' But that's not the same kind of dates,' 
 Olive ventured to put in. * That's the sort 
 of dates, like the Kings and Queens of 
 England, that one learns in the history books 
 — Norman Conquest, 1689 ; Discovery of 
 America, 1066 ; and so forth. You couldn't 
 eat them. They're — they're purely imaginary.' 
 
 * I beg your pardon again,' Charlie answered 
 loftily. ' I'm not going to dispute with you 
 about particular kinds or brands of dates. 
 They may be Blenheim oranges, or *:hey may 
 be Ribstone pippins. I decline to discriminate. 
 A date is a date ; that's quite enough for me. 
 And as to not eating them, I fail to see your 
 difficulty. My papa's in Parliament, and he 
 says politicians often have to eat their words. 
 If they can eat their words, eating their 
 dates must be by comparison quite an easy 
 relaxation/ 
 
^"^'^' ": ^T'l'^T* 
 
 WITH A RUEFUL FACE. 
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 ASSYRIAN DATES 
 
 Just at that moment, they were interrupted by 
 a sudden sharp cry from the Greedy Boy, who 
 sat with a rueful face on the ground beside 
 them. — 
 
 ' What's thQ .matter ? ' Olive cried, leanina 
 down to comfort him. 
 
 '.Boo-hoo, boo-hoo,' the Greedy Boy ex- 
 claimed, sputtering. -I thought they were 
 such nice dates,-and, the moment I popped 
 them mto my mouth, they all turned to dust 
 
68 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 like ashes, you know, and were, oh, ever so 
 beastly ! ' 
 
 ' I told you so,' Charlie cried ; and, * I told 
 you so,' said the King, in one breath, together. 
 
 This shows that neither Charlie nor the 
 King was truly magnanimous ; for no truly 
 magnanimous man would ever dream of saying 
 ' I told you so ' to a person in distress — except 
 of course to his wife, who must be quite 
 accustomed to it. 
 
 * Water ! ' the Greedy Boy cried, gasping. 
 * Water!' 
 
 Fortunately, there was a spring close by, 
 and Charlie rushed forward with his leather 
 pocket-cup, which, like all other prigs, he in- 
 variably carried about with him in his pocket. 
 For it is the custom of prigs always to have 
 everything ready at hand at the exact moment 
 it is required, and to look with mute dis- 
 approval and compassion at other people not 
 as well prepared for all possible emergencies 
 as they themselves are. 
 
 A good long drink set the Greedy Boy 
 right. 'It's a lucky thing,' he gasped out at 
 last, * that wasn't Assyrian water ! ' 
 
ASSYRIAN DATES 69 
 
 * But it is,' Olive replied, 'so how on earth 
 could he drink it ? ' 
 
 'Why, of course,' Tom cried, seeing the 
 Assyrians at the same moment drawing buckets- 
 ful for their horses from the self-same spring ; 
 ' I see how it works out. That fountain was 
 here m the Ass>rian time, and it goes on 
 flowing here still in the nineteenth century.' 
 Tom grew poetical for a second. 'It seems 
 to bind together and unite the ages,' he re- 
 flected, in a rare burst of moralising. 
 
 'That's what it says in the song,' Olive 
 remarked. ' You remember the lines— 
 
 For men may come and men may go. 
 But I go on for ever.* 
 
 'Just like Charlie,' Tom interposed bluntly. 
 
 ' It makes one understand the full nothing- 
 ness of time,' Charlie mused unabashed, 'to 
 think that the Tiber is flowing to-day as it 
 flowed by the walls of Rome ten thousand years 
 ago' (which was chronologically erroneous), 
 'and that Niagara went pouring and rolling 
 over its ledge long ages before there existed a 
 man upon earth to behold it and photograph 
 
 ^ 
 
70 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 it. I seem to understand now that the great 
 philosopher Kant was entirely right, and that 
 Time ' 
 
 * Time's up ! ' the Greedy Boy cried ; and 
 ' Oh, stow it ! ' Tom burst out, at the self-same 
 moment. So Charlie stowed it. 
 
 ' I see why you couldn't eat those dates/ 
 Olive remarked, turning round to the Greedy 
 Boy, who was wiping his mouth still ruefully 
 with his handkerchief. * As long as they lay 
 on the King's dish, they belonged, I expect, to 
 tl Assyrian period, and were quite nice and 
 fresh ; but as you popped them into your mouth, 
 they must have passed like lightning through 
 three thousand years, and they were as dry as 
 a mummy by the time you ate them.' 
 
 ' A mummy ! ' Tom cried. * A mummy ! 
 What a jolly idea, Olive! Let's turn on the 
 Egyptians.' 
 
 * One moment,' Charlie interposed, with a 
 wave of his hand. (He said 'One moment!' 
 with the very air of his papa, who was a member 
 of Parliament.) ' Before we plunge wildly into 
 another age, let us settle this question of the 
 dates, zy you please. What puzzles me is. 
 
ASSYRIAN DATES 71 
 
 seeing that the Assyrians couldn't grasp us, 
 how could Cecil succeed in grasping the King's 
 provisions ? ' 
 
 Olive looked grave. * That's a difficulty 
 certainly,' she said in her frank way, opening 
 her big blue eyes very wide. ' It seems to 
 show that when once people begin to travel 
 beyond Time and Space, they get out of their 
 depths, so to speak, and can't make things 
 come right anyhow.' 
 
 * Kant was of opinion,' Charlie interposed, 
 ' that we are born with limitations of Time and 
 Space impressed upon the very moulds or forms 
 of our understanding, and that whatever exter- 
 nal things we observe ' 
 
 * Oh, bother Kant ! ' Tom exclaimed. ' Can't 
 do with Kant ! There's a deal too much Kant 
 about you altogether, Charlie. My idea is that 
 this matter of the dates is all very simple. 
 You and I are human ; and so are the Assyrians. 
 By the time the Assyrian had got over to our 
 century, and tried to seize us, he was as dead 
 as a door-nail, and had mouldered away to dust, 
 or was reduced to a skeleton. So of course he 
 couldn't touch us. But the date is a date ; and, 
 
72 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 being well preserved, it didn't quite crumble 
 away, but remained as dry dust, and got in that 
 state into Cecil's mouth ; which is clearly why 
 it bothered him. They have mummy-wheat 
 and such-like ancient things at the museums, 
 you know. They have wreaths of lotus flowers. 
 I don't see why a date shouldn't equally come 
 down to us.' 
 
 'Besides,' Olive put in, 'the dates were the 
 King's ; and I've always found the dates of 
 kings and queens about the driest things I've 
 ever come across anywhere.' 
 
 ' But those are not the same kind of dates,' 
 Charlie began, and then suddenly recollected 
 himself. 
 
 Olive drew herself up with pride. * I beg 
 your pardon,' she answered loftily, in Charlie's 
 own tallest tone. 'I'm not going to dispute 
 with you about particular kinds or brands of 
 dates. They may be Blenheim oranges, and 
 they may be ' 
 
 * Oh, what utter piffle ! ' Tom broke in. 
 ' Let's cut this rubbish, and turn on the 
 Egyptians. I should like to see a jolly good 
 downright fight — a fight with no smoke and 
 
■vv;-"iv -^.c 
 
 ASSYRIAN DATES 73 
 
 nonsense to hide the fighting. Let's set 'em at 
 it Hke cats and dogs, and stand by and back 
 'em. CharHe, you're the fellow to know just 
 the right time. Please make it the moment 
 when Egyptians and Assyrians were fighting 
 like good 'uns somewhere.' 
 
 'Why, it's just like that penny-in-the-slot 
 thing they have at the hotels in Paris,' Olive 
 exclaimed. 'When we were at the Continental 
 with Mamma last summer, we used to go into 
 the salon^ and there was a machine with knobs ; 
 and it had wires laid on to all the theatres, with 
 what -you -may -call -'ems attached — I can't 
 remember the name of them.' 
 
 ' Qh, / know,' the Greedy Boy exclaimed ; 
 'automatic machines, with Everton toffee in 'em. 
 You put a bad penny in the slot, when 
 nobody else will take it, and ' 
 
 ' No, no,' Olive interrupted, with a quick 
 gesture of dissent. ' Not Everton toffee at all ; 
 you're always thinking of something to eat or 
 drink, Cecil. I know what it is now — 
 telephones. And you dropped in half a franc, 
 and you pulled a knob, and according as you 
 pulled one knob or the other, you could hear 
 
74 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 what was going on at a theatre, or the Opera, 
 or the Eldorado music-hall. It was such fun ! 
 And this is just Hke it.' 
 
 'Only that you don't have the trouble of 
 pulling the knob,' Charlie continued. 
 
 'Or of putting the penny in the slot,' Tom 
 
 added ; ' not even a 
 French one. Now, go 
 ahead, Charlie. Turn on 
 your Egyptians, if you 
 please, to slow music' 
 
 'All right,' Charlie 
 answered. • Egyptians 
 it is! Hi, presto; here 
 they come. They're just 
 swarming over the plain 
 now. ' 
 
 'Oh, what a shame,' 
 the Greedy Boy cried, 
 his deepest sympathies 
 . . .beijig aroused at the pros- 
 pect; 'the poor Assyrians 
 will have to hurry up 
 
 'IT'S DREADPULLV PUZZLING.- ^,^^ fig^t thcm, withoUt 
 
 having time for a mouthful of supper.' 
 
ASSYRIAN DATES 75 
 
 'And they did look so tired,' Olive ex- 
 claimed, quite pitying them. 
 
 'Why, you stupid,' Charlie answered, 'that 
 was a hundred years ago ! Those Assyrians 
 you saw just now are all dead and gone, whole 
 ages before the fight we're just about to 
 look at.' 
 
 ' It's dreadfully puzzling,' Olive cried, clap- 
 ping her hand to her head — 'this chopping 
 and changing ; it makes me quite dizzy. Why 
 can't we stop always in one century at a time ? 
 I'm really glad I live as a rule in the world of 
 Space and Time. It's so av/kward never 
 knowing whether you're really looking at one 
 reign or another.' 
 
 'That's only because you've always been 
 brought up a slave to time,' Charlie answered 
 cheerfully. ' If you'd always lived on the 
 other side of Nowhere, you'd feel just the other 
 way. You'd think what a nuisance it was 
 always to have to be restricted to a single 
 century, and never to be able to make the 
 smallest excursion into the past or the future. 
 Besides, you see,' he added, looking extremely 
 wise, ' there is really no such thing as Time at 
 
76 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 all ; so one century's exactly the same as 
 another, when you come to look at it.' 
 
 * Only they seetii so different,' Olive remarked, 
 her sound common-sense getting the better of 
 Charlie's chopped logic. 
 
 ' But things are not what they seem,' Charlie 
 responded with an air of profound originality. 
 
 * Life is but an empty dream. 
 
 I feel quite sure that's so, because I read it in a 
 printed book somewhere. If you look the 
 thing fairly in the face, you'll see the bare 
 notion of Time is in itself ridiculous. For 
 Eternity could never have had any beginning 
 or any end. Very well, then ; whatever 
 moment of Time you choose to take, it has 
 Eternity before it, and Eternity after it ; it's 
 never any further from the beginning, nor any 
 nearer to the end ; for there will be no end, 
 and there was no beginning. Therefore, every- 
 thing takes* place • practically at the self-same 
 moment. Which shows that the bare notion 
 of Time, as Kant very well showed, is a patent 
 absurdity.' 
 
 * I call that tommy -rot,' Tom objected 
 
ASSYRIAN DATES 77 
 
 Strenuously. * It seems to me much more 
 sensible to say that Eternity's balderdash. 
 We know about Time ; we dont know about 
 Eternity.' 
 
 * Oh, Tom, you wicked boy,' Olive inter- 
 posed, much shocked. * To say such dreadful, 
 dreadful things as that about Eternity ! ' 
 
 ' But this is logic,' Tom answered, growing 
 red. ' This isn't theology. We're arguing the 
 case, don't you know, on a scientific basis.' 
 
 Olive reflected for a moment. * Oh, very 
 well,' she said at last, in a hesitating tone. * If 
 you're only going to be wicked on a scientific 
 basis, I see, of course, that makes a very great 
 difference.' But though she said so much, she 
 didn't feel quite easy in her mind about it. 
 
 * Excuse my interrupting such a philosophical 
 discussion,' the Greedy Boy said blandly. 
 ' But the Egyptians at this moment are charging 
 for this point, — dashing right across the plain, 
 helter-skelter, in their millions.' 
 
 Olive raised her head and saw to her horror 
 that thousands of chariots and tens of thousands 
 of armed men in eccentric costumes were 
 careering madly towards a point in space — or 
 
78 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 rather in vacancy — then occupied by herself 
 and her three companions. 
 
 * Oh, what shall we do ? ' she cried, wringing 
 her hands. * What shall we 
 ever do, Tom ? They'll ride 
 over us and kill us ! We're 
 as dead as any- 
 thing ! ' 
 
 Even Charlie 
 blenched a little 
 too, as he saw 
 the Egyptian 
 
 CHARLIE ! CHARLIE ! ' 
 
 army, under King Rameses the Second, come 
 galloping across the plain, making as hard as 
 it could tear for himself and his party. But 
 he behaved like a man. * Never fear,' he said 
 bravely. ' It's the same as before, you bet. 
 That's Rameses the Second on the chariot 
 over there : and he can't come near us by, oh, 
 ever so many centuries.' 
 
 Olive nestled up quite close to him. * I am 
 so frightened,' she cried. 'Charlie! Charlie! 
 
ASSYRIAN DATES 79 
 
 couldn't you just manage to put us into a year 
 or two earlier or later ? * 
 
 But before Charlie could answer, the storm 
 had broken, and the Egyptians and Assyrians 
 were upon them with a vengeance. 
 
CHAPTER VI 
 
 THE BATTLE OF ANYWHERE 
 
 And then, as often occurs in 
 stones of adventure, * a strange 
 thing happened.' The two 
 armies swept down into the 
 plain like mad, and broke tumult- 
 uously over the spot where the 
 children were sitting. Just at : 
 first, Olive couldn't help dodging 
 her head a teeny, weenie bit, 
 when a battalion of Babylonians 
 came driving at her, full tilt, in 
 their glittering war-chariots ; but 
 after a minute or two of this 
 work, she got quite accustomed 
 to see them rush at her like 
 lightning, as if they would run over her and 
 kill her, yet pass through her like a shadow. 
 
 TOM HUGGED 
 HIMSELF. 
 
THE BATTLE OF ANYWHERE 8i 
 
 and roll on without either hurting her or 
 appearing to notice her. As for Tom, he was 
 really in his element at last. He hugged 
 himself with delight. * Why, here we shall be,* 
 he cried, * right in the thick of the battle, as if 
 it were a private box ! we shall see them go at 
 one another, and hack each other to pieces, in 
 the most lovely style, without the slightest 
 danger ! This is the jolliest thing I ever did in 
 my life. The Roaring Raiders of the Wild 
 West and Dick Deadeye's Adventures aren't 
 in it with this for regular downright amuse- 
 ment ! We shall see thousands of them killed 
 — just thousands and thousands ! * 
 
 * Oh, Tom, you wicked boy,' Olive ex- 
 claimed : * how can you say such things ? ' 
 And indeed, I rather think Tom somewhat 
 overdid it. 
 
 Meanwhile, the Assyrians and Egyptians, 
 with their bows and shields, were drawing up 
 in battle array and facing each other angrily. 
 * Halt ! ' the Assyrian king cried ; and ' Halt ! * 
 cried Rameses. The armies halted, and glared 
 at one another as fierce as tigers. But Tom 
 could see plainly that, in spite of their bravado, 
 
 G 
 
82 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 the common soldiers on either side were in the 
 most horrible funk ; and he mentally contrasted 
 the sneaking cowardice of these craven Orientals 
 with the dauntless courage and matchless daring 
 of the British Grenadier, as depicted in the 
 ^dig^s o{ Dick Deadeyes Adventures, 
 
 * I suppose,' the Assyrian king called out, in 
 a sarcastic tone, ' we shall conduct this battle 
 on the usual principles, strictly according to 
 etiquette, and challenge each other first to 
 mortal combat ? ' 
 
 ' Oh, certainly,' the Egyptian king answered, 
 looking blue with terror, but trying to brazen it 
 out as well as he was able. * My heralds are 
 here, and I wish everything to be done in the 
 most formal fashion.' 
 
 * What's it all about ? ' Olive asked in a 
 whisper. 
 
 Charlie knew, of course. *Oh, a trifling 
 dispute about a few yards of territory here on 
 the boundary of their respective kingdoms,' he 
 answered. 
 
 The Assyrian king advanced a few steps 
 in front of his host, and waved his royal hand, 
 while a dead silence fell upon the army. You 
 
THE BATTLE OF ANYWHERE 83 
 
 might have heard a common bronze Assyrian 
 pin drop. 
 
 Tom was profoundly excited. * Oh, I say/ 
 he murmured, rubbing his hands, 'ain't this 
 just ripping.? He's going to cheek the other 
 fellow, right in front of all his army, exacdy the 
 same as they do in Homer ! ' 
 
 ' And then it will be ripping, and no mistake,' 
 Charlie added. 'They'll rip one another up 
 before our very eyes, Olive.' 
 
 * Hush,' Tom whispered. ' Hold your row 
 for a minute. Let's hear what they have to 
 say to one another.' 
 
 At that precise moment, the King began his 
 address to his army, which was in verse, of 
 course, as Tom fully expected : only it wasn't 
 in Greek hexameters nor in cuneiform inscrip- 
 tions, but in English rhyme, which was muck 
 more convenient : — 
 
 ' I am the great Assyrian king ; 
 My hair is frizzed Uke anything : 
 I am the monarch of the world ; 
 Observe the way my beard is curled ! 
 
 I hunt the lion every day ; 
 
 At my approach, he runs away : 
 
84 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 I TRACK HIM DOWN AND TWIST HIS TAIL. 
 
 I track him down, and twist his tail ; 
 You ought to see that lion quail ! 
 
 My walls are lined with bas-reliefs 
 
 Of conquered kings and kneeling chiefs. 
 
 Where'er my royal eyes alight, 
 
 I see them cowering, pale with fright. 
 
 My faithful flock in every place 
 Love and adore my gentle face ; 
 If any fellow doesn't — •' Eh ? 
 Flay him alive ! " is all I say. 
 
THE BATTLE OF ANYWHERE 8$ 
 
 Such royal courtesy, 'tis clear, 
 Is calculated to endear 
 The Master of the Ivory Throne, 
 Where'er his kindly sway is known. 
 
 Yet see ! these bull-frogs of the Nile, 
 The vilest spawn of all things vile, 
 Have dared to set presumptuous feet 
 Within this boundary where we meet. 
 
 I mean to wipe the reptiles out. 
 My gallant army, raise one shout ! 
 Break on them like an angry wave — 
 And, all the world shall be my slave ! 
 
 Tom could stand it no longer. His blood 
 boiled within him (blood boils at 212° Fahren- 
 heit). ' No, no, my good fellow,' he cried 
 excitedly, with a sudden access of patriotic 
 British pride. ' You can't come that over us ! 
 You will never twist the British lion's tail ; 
 and as to enslaving us, why. 
 
 Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves ; 
 
 Britons never, never, NEVER shall — be — slaves ! ' 
 
 He shouted it aloud at the very top of his 
 voice ; but, strange to say, the Assyrian king 
 took not the slightest notice. Which was 
 a severe blow to British prestige, — so much 
 
86 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 SO, that I think the 
 Foreign Office ought to 
 have taken some action 
 in the matter. 
 
 'Cheer, soldiers, 
 
 cheer ! ' the Assyrian 
 
 king shouted angrily to 
 
 his army. * One 
 
 hearty, ringing 
 
 M e s o p o t a m i a n 
 
 cheer will terrify 
 
 these mud-larks.' 
 
 (He called them 
 
 mud -larks as a 
 
 delicate allusion to 
 
 the Nile and the 
 
 Delta.) 
 
 The Assyrian 
 army thus exhorted 
 by its loving lord, 
 tried to muster up 
 ..;. a f a i n t 
 show of 
 enthusi- 
 asm, and 
 
 '^j- 
 
 RAMESES. 
 
THE BATTLE OF ANYWHERE 87 
 
 raised a feeble little cheer of the mildest 
 description. 
 
 'Why, we could teach them how to cheer 
 if they came to Charterhouse ! ' Tom burst 
 in, disgusted. ' You should hear us hooray 
 for the Head Master — when we're going home 
 for the holidays. Wed frighten the Egyptians 
 into smithereens, I can tell you.' 
 
 • Hush, hush,' Olive cried. ' I want to 
 listen. Now the Egyptian king is going to 
 answer his arguments, and encourage his own 
 army.' 
 
 And immediately the Egyptian monarch 
 stood forth before the ranks, trying to balance 
 the double crown of Upper and Lower Egypt 
 on his head as he advanced (you can see it 
 in the picture), and walking gingerly, so as 
 not to let it topple over — for when a king 
 loses his crown, it's as good as all up with him. 
 And this was what he replied, in the same 
 language and metre : — 
 
 * I am the brother of the Sun : 
 I take good care of Number One : 
 And Number One I am indeed 
 To all of true Egyptian breed. 
 
88 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 A double crown adorns my brow ; 
 Before my throne the nations bow. 
 I gUutrd the holy shrine of Ptah ; 
 I pull the strings of Turn and Ra. 
 
 I am the lion of the Nile ; 
 
 When I am pleased, the nations smile ; 
 
 When I am angry, woe betide 
 
 The man who dare my wrath deride. 
 
 And yet this base Assyrian churl, 
 
 With fuzzy beard, and hair in curl, 
 
 Has dared, on self-destruction bent, , 
 
 To sneer at my divine descent ! 
 
 The Syrian kite, the Hebrew crow 
 Shall pluck his bones as white as snow; 
 While my immortal form is hid 
 Beneath some granite pyramid.* 
 
 * That's all wrong ! ' Charlie put in, paren- 
 thetically ; ' and~he knows it's all wrong. Only 
 the kings of the Early Empire were buried 
 in pyramids ; and this man belongs to the 
 Nineteenth Dynasty. He would be laid in 
 the Tombs of the Kings at Thebes: the 
 Pyramid-builders were all interred ages before 
 at Memphis.' It was astonishing, Charlie's 
 accurate knowledge of history. 
 
 * Don't interrupt,' the King said somewhat 
 
THE BATTLE OF ANYWHERE 89 
 
 testily. 'This is poetry, don't you see; and 
 it's at least as true as what the other fellow 
 said to me.' And he went on in a very loud 
 voice with his address to his army : — 
 
 *So East and West shall learn with awe 
 The fate of all who break my law ; 
 Eternity shall hymn my fame, 
 And distant ages dread great Rameses' name.' 
 
 * Oh, will they though ? ' Tom answered in 
 a very dubious voice. * Well see about that 
 — I wish to be in whatever part of Nowhere 
 this gentleman's remains are now preserved,' 
 he continued in a loud voice. And, hi presto, 
 in a moment, they found themselves in a 
 gallery of the British Museum, face to face 
 with a mummy of no extraordinary personal 
 attractions. 
 
 * What does it say on the label ? ' Olive asked. 
 Charlie read it aloud. * Mummy-case and 
 
 Mummy of an Obscure Pharaoh of the XlXth 
 Dynasty, name unknown,' he answered. 
 
 ' There, what do you say to that ? ' Tom 
 inquired, turning round to the Egyptian king. 
 But, strange to say, the King, and the army, 
 and the Assyrians had disappeared, as if by 
 
90 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 magic ; only colossal heads in polished granite 
 smiled down upon him from their pedestals. 
 Which was not so odd after all, Tom reflected 
 next minute ; for how could you expect any 
 reasonable king to stand and inspect his own 
 mummy ? 
 
 ' Back to the battle ! ' Tom cried. And in a 
 jiffy they were back again. Indeed, though I 
 am scrupulously averse to exaggeration, I 
 should almost venture to put the exact interval 
 at scarcely more than half a jiffy. 
 
 When they got there, Rameses was repeat- 
 ing the last verse of his address (which he had 
 evidently prepared beforehand and learned by 
 heart), in order further to encourage his gallant 
 bodyguard. 
 
 * Eternity shall hymn my fame,' 
 
 he remarked with emphasis, 
 
 * And distant ages dread great Rameses' name.' 
 
 (He had made the last line longer on purpose, 
 so as to form an impressive close ; though 
 some people believe the verses were really 
 written up for him to order beforehand by Tih, 
 the Poet- Laureate.) 
 
THE BATTLE OF ANYWHERE 
 
 91 
 
 'That's all right,' Tom observed. *Cut it 
 
 . short, old man. .Now, get ahead and fight 'em!' 
 
 *Oh, certainly,* the King answered, trying 
 
 to adjust his crown. * We mean to smash 
 
 them. — Ho there, my gallant army, go in and 
 
 win ! Why don't you rush at them like mad, 
 
 THE GALLANT ARMY HUNG BACK, 
 
 and double them up into cocked hats, or pan- 
 cakes, or something } ' 
 
 But the gallant army didn't seem to like it. 
 They held back, indeed, as if they hadn't the 
 slightest intention of fighting anybody. The 
 King stormed and swore (in Egyptian, of 
 course, or else I wouldn't mention it), but the 
 army stood still, and seemed wholly disinclined 
 to ' go in and win ' as their sovereign advised 
 
92 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 them. Meanwhile, the Assyrians, too, appeared 
 equally unwilling to make mincemeat of their 
 adversaries, as the Assyrian king in return 
 kept exhorting them to do ; they refused to 
 budge an inch, but stood staring at the 
 Egyptians, as if they found their costumes 
 rather amusing than otherwise. 
 
 * Up, Guards, and at 'em ! ' Rameses ex- 
 claimed at last, in very choice Egyptian. 
 
 * We don't want to at 'eml the Chief Warrior 
 answered, adjusting his helmet. * We don't 
 think we can fight them.' 
 
 Rameses' face grew pale with rage. * Flog 
 them till they go into battle ! ' he cried aloud to 
 the task-masters, who stood with whips behind 
 the army. The task-masters plied their whips 
 on each rank with a will ; and soon, yielding 
 to this incentive, the Egyptian host set itselt 
 slowly in marching order. 
 
 ' Well, I never ! ' Tom cried, disgusted. 
 ' What contemptible cowards ! To have to 
 be licked to make them go into battle ! I 
 only just wish we had Dick Deadeye here! 
 Hed make them wake up ! Hed teach them 
 a thing or two.' 
 
AN UNKNOWN WARRIOR IN A SOMBRERO HAT. 
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 DICK DEADEYES RAID ' 
 
 At that exact moment, an unknown warrior 
 in a sombrero hat, mounted on a fiery Mexican 
 mustang, dashed wildly across the plain, and 
 put himself at the head of the Egyptian levies. 
 Tom rubbed his hands with delight again. 
 * Now we shatit be long,' he murmured. • We 
 
94 > TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 shall see some fun before the day's three hours 
 older. Five bob on the Egyptians! I back 
 the Egyptians now, since Dick Deadeye has 
 romped in upon them ! ' 
 
 * Stop ! ' Olive exclaimed. * This is a 
 historic batde. How on earth can they win it 
 by the assistance of Dick Deadeye ? ' 
 
 * Oh, that's all right,' Charlie answered. (He 
 had such a wonderful grasp of historical 
 instances, Charlie !) * This batde was fought 
 about the year seventeen hundred and some- 
 thing B.C. ; and I distinctly remember to have 
 read in a book somewhere that the Egyptians 
 were miraculously assisted by the apparition of 
 a strange warrior on a milk-white steed ' 
 
 ' It doesn't happen to mention that he was a 
 Mexican mustang, does it .'* ' Tom broke in, in 
 a rather wistful voice. 
 
 * How could it ? ' Charlie answered testily. 
 * Mexico and mustangs were neither of them 
 invented. But it does happen to say that a 
 supernatural warrior with waving plumes en- 
 couraged and guided the Egyptian army.' 
 
 * I see,' Tom replied. 'Just like Castor and 
 Pollux at the battle of Lake Regillus.' An 
 
DICK DEADEYE'S RAID 95 
 
 idea struck him. ' Why, Charlie,' he went on, 
 ' perhaps the people whom those benighted 
 heathen took for Castor and Pollux may have 
 been you and me, on Uncle Edward s ponies. — 
 Hullo, they're going to fight ! I told you, when 
 Dick Deadeye came, they wouldn't be long 
 about it.' 
 
 Sure enough, he was right. All round 
 where they stood, the Egyptians burst on with 
 an irresistible onslaught. At least, it would 
 have been irresistible, if the Assyrians hadn't 
 made up their mind to resist it. In a minute, 
 they were at it, tooth and nail, fighting, as Tom 
 said, 'like good 'uns.' It was most interesting 
 to watch ; the quantity of blood fully came up 
 to Tom's utmost expectations. Olive objected 
 to it, of course ; but then, Olive was only a 
 girl ; and girls object to the most innocent 
 amusements that happen to have a trifling 
 element of bloodshed in them. For it has been 
 well pointed out, by old Kaspar and others, 
 that without a moderate amount of discomfort 
 to some few of the combatants, it is impossible 
 to gain a glorious victory. 
 
 Suddenly, in the midst of the battle, when 
 
96 : TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 everything was havoc and carnage all round 
 them, and the Assyrians were falling back 
 before the impetuous attack of Dick Deadeye 
 and the Egyptian infantry, Tom happened to 
 look around him, and perceived King Rameses 
 skulking quietly by himself with a few 
 attendants on the top of a small retired 
 hillock, and observing the fight through a 
 couple of objects which he held in his hand, 
 and which, but for the fear of committing an 
 anachronism, Tom would hastily have described 
 as a pair of opera-glasses. 
 
 ' Hullo, old Pasty-face,' Tom cried, ' what 
 are you doing here with your uncomfortable 
 double crown ? * 
 
 * I beg your pardon,' the King answered. 
 ' I am not called Pasty-face. I am a proper 
 noun. My name is Rameses.' 
 
 • All right,' Tom answered. * An adjective 
 qualifies a noun — and I can only qualify you 
 as a pasty-faced nigger. But anyway, how 
 comes it you are not now in the thick of the 
 fight, at the head of your army ? ' 
 
 'Oh dear me, no,' Rameses answered, 
 shaking his head very gravely. ' That would 
 
. DICK DEADEYE'S RAID 97 
 
 never, never do. I am the brother of the sun," 
 and the cousin of the moon, and the father-in- 
 law twice removed of the fixed stars and 
 planets. If / were to get hurt, it would be 
 all up with everything. The Nile would cease 
 to rise ; the sun would cease to set ; night 
 would be turned into day, and day would be 
 nighted — you know, as king, I can knight 
 whom I please — and there'd be a general 
 upsetting and overturning of everything. No, 
 no, I know my duty to my people far better 
 than that ; I take good care of Number One 
 — in the interest of the entire Egyptian 
 nation.' 
 
 * But on the bas-reliefs,' Tom exclaimed, 
 
 * in the British Museum, you know, you're 
 always represented in your royal chariot, at 
 the head of your troops, driving furiously over 
 the bodies of your fallen enemies.' 
 
 It was not exactly a royal thing to do, and 
 I don't propose it as a model for general 
 imitation ; but the King winked distinctly. 
 
 * Oh yes,' he answered in a confidential voice ; 
 'we always put it so — on the bas-reliefs. 
 That's official, you know, official. It en- 
 
 H 
 
98 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 courages the common people to go Into battle 
 bravely, and it gives them a properly high 
 opinion of their revered sovereign's valour. 
 But it wouldn't do in real life ; it wouldn't do 
 at all : it's too dangerous, you see, quite too 
 dangerous. — That is to say,' he added after a 
 short pause, recollecting himself, * I couldn't 
 venture to trust my own impetuous bravery 
 on the field of battle. If once I allowed 
 myself to get into the thick of the fight, I 
 should be carried away by my feelings, rush 
 headlong upon the foe, and fall on the field, 
 pierced through with a thousand Assyrian 
 arrows. And then, what would become of 
 the land of Khem, my own beloved Egyptian 
 Fatherland?' 
 
 The King was so much moved by this 
 mental picture of his bereaved country, deprived 
 of its Rameses, that tears stood in his eyes, and 
 Olive was really sorry for him. But the Greedy 
 Boy perceived that the truth of the matter 
 was this ; the King was taking surreptitious 
 bites as he went at that w^ell-known ancient 
 Egyptian luxury, a raw onion (you can see 
 them in the hieroglyphics), and was moved to 
 
DICK DEADEYE'S RAID 99 
 
 tears when it got up his royal nose and affected 
 his eyesight. 
 
 So all day long the noise of battle roared 
 in the valley below them ; and Tom watched 
 with deep interest the varying fortunes of the 
 well-matched combatants. It was a most in- 
 teresting scene. Both sides at times performed 
 prodigies of cowardice. The careful manner 
 in which they all kept out of one another's way 
 was instructive to look at ; while the sight of 
 the Egyptian generals, driving headlong in 
 their chariots against their Assyrian foes, and 
 pulling their horses like mad for fear they 
 should get there, was a perfect lesson to Tom 
 in the underlying realities of ancient warfare. 
 
 * They're too careful of their own skins,' he 
 exclaimed at last in disgust. 'Why I'd like to 
 show them the way our fellows play Rugger, 
 as an example of good downright rough-and- 
 tumble fighting.' 
 
 ' But this is strategy, you see,' Charlie 
 answered, observing them with the eye of a 
 trained soldier (he was lance-corporal in his 
 cadet-corps). ' You notice those fellows on the 
 hill over yonder, who are running away as fast 
 
lOO 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 •••.1. --^ 
 
 ...:••:''rv;ft^•••^;^■>-.:;^;.:.v.V^^;;:^:•:v^,.:;.^.^ 
 
 ... <" ■••'.■."yz"::-:':':\ 
 
 as their legs can carry '-'?2''*S??''I:% 
 them from the Assyrian 
 advance ; well, they 
 seem to be in a shiver- 
 ing funk ; but really, 
 they're executing a 
 strategic movement 
 rearward.' 
 
 * Certainly, ' Rameses 
 answered in an approv- 
 ing voice. * You've 
 exactly hit it. That 
 touches the spot. 
 You've rightly ex- 
 plained that my gallant 
 soldiers are endeavour- 
 ing to — ahem — to lead - 
 
 A STRATEGIC MOVEMENT. 
 
DICK DEADEYE'S RAID loi 
 
 on the enemy into a dangerous posi- 
 tion.' 
 
 As he spoke, the Egyptian corps to which 
 Charlie had called attention, in its haste to run 
 away, leaped suddenly over an unseen and 
 unsuspected cliff, and fell dead in the valley. 
 
 ' Ha ! ' the Egyptian king mused, ' that was 
 a well - executed manoeuvre. Some people 
 might think they had killed themselves in their 
 fall. But that's quite incorrect. Nothing 
 serious has happened. One letter more, that's 
 all. It resolves itself in the end into a mere 
 question of pronunciation. The detachment 
 was a corps at the top of the cliff; it's a corpse 
 at the bottom. Only a pedant would insist 
 upon so minute a distinction.' 
 
 'And j^^ stand skulking here in that way 
 while your soldiers are being massacred like 
 sheep by the Assyrians ! ' Tom exclaimed in 
 disgust, looking at him. 'That's not the way 
 with the brave British soldier. You ought to 
 have seen the Duke of Wellington at Waterloo ! 
 He went right into the thick of the fight, and 
 laid about him with the sword, killing thousands 
 of them, just thousands. I think it's recorded 
 
102 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 in history that he killed two thousand French- 
 men with his own hand, let alone seven hundred 
 Prussians. That was something like a general ! ' 
 * But the Prussians were our allies,' Charlie 
 objected. 
 
 ' I know that very well,' Tom answered, 
 colouring up (for, as a matter of fact, he had 
 forgotten it) ; * but Wellington killed a few 
 hundred of them while he was about it, his hand 
 being in, just to show them the British army 
 could win a battle by itself, and wasn't going 
 to be beholden to anybody.' 
 
 Charlie looked doubtful. * I don't think that 
 would be in accordance with international law,' 
 he objected again. * If he had done it, I sus- 
 pect the Prussians would have joined with the 
 French, and formed what is called a coalition 
 against us.' 
 
 *So they did,' Tom answered confidently. 
 'They went over to the enemy; and Well- 
 ington and Blucher turned upon them, and 
 made mincemeat of their officers, and cut their 
 soldiers to pieces like Britons. And that,' 
 he added, after a brief pause, * is why Well- 
 ington boots are also called Bluchers.' 
 
DICK DEADEYE'S RAID 103 
 
 Charlie was just going to say in a rather 
 doubtful voice, * I think Bliicher was a Prussian,' 
 when the Greedy Boy interrupted him. ' You 
 must remember,' he said, * that it has been well 
 remarked — an army fights upon its stomach. 
 A general's great work is not killing his 
 thousands with his own right hand ; it's com- 
 missariat, commissariat ! What he has to do 
 is to see that the army has plenty to eat and 
 drink — pork- pie for dinner, and lots of bacon 
 for breakfast on the morning of the battle. 
 Caesar, you recollect, was always taking care of 
 the res fnimentaria. That means, in English, 
 he insisted that his soldiers should always 
 have hot cake and lamb chops for supper.' 
 
 Rameses, who had listened to their discus- 
 sion w^ith the keenest interest, while keeping 
 his other eye firmly fixed meanwhile on the 
 progress of the engagement (at the risk of 
 squinting), was much delighted with the Greedy 
 Boy's very masterly exposition of the duties of 
 a commander. ' That's quite true,' he answered, 
 glancing behind him at the bags which con- 
 tained the provisions, and at the sutlers' tents 
 (you can never do anything in history without 
 
104 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 the sutlers, though who and what they were 
 is now wrapped in mystery). * That's ex- 
 tremely true, I always keep an eye myself 
 on the commissariat. I call that the heart and 
 core of good generalship. Stick close to the 
 grub, and the grub will pull you through. A 
 consignment of rolled tongues, and some boxes 
 of rich plum-cake from Buzzard's, are worth 
 at least as much to one as an extra army- 
 corps/ 
 
 ' Tliat was Wellington's opinion,' the Greedy 
 Boy assented. 
 
 'What / can't make out,' Tom went on, 
 surveying the field with interest, *is, where 
 Dick Deadeye can ever have got to. All I 
 have ever read or heard of Dick Deadeye leads 
 me to suppose — Hullo, what's that coming 
 over the hill-top yonder 1 ' He leaned eagerly 
 forward and scanned the horizon with his keen 
 young glance (exactly as in the story-books). 
 * It's Dick Deadeye!' he cried, *at the head of 
 the picked Egyptian troops, swooping down 
 upon them from an important strategic position. 
 His scouts are among the rocks. His faithful 
 mustang is pawing the ground. Now we shall 
 
DICK DEADEYE'S RAID 105 
 
 see some fun. There'll be wigs on the green 
 presently.' 
 
 * They can't proceed,' Charlie exclaimed, 
 watching the impetuous descent of the Western 
 brave with his Oriental auxiliaries ; * something 
 seems to be stopping them.* 
 
 ' Oh, I know what that is,' Tom answered. 
 ' That's the mountain torrents, swollen by the 
 late rains. They're quite in order. You must 
 recollect, Charlie, nobody ever fights a battle 
 in ancient history without the torrents, swollen 
 by the late rains, causing him a little trouble. 
 But you just keep your eye on Dick Deadeye ! 
 — there, I told you so ! I knew he would ! 
 He's leaped the cataracts, where they rave 
 fiercest, on his fiery mustang. And now he's 
 encouraging his Egyptian allies to wade through 
 them and follow him ! ' 
 
 * That's good,' Rameses said, clapping his 
 hands : * that's good. I admire him very much ! 
 I love to see this reckless bravery in others ! ' 
 
 ' Oh, just look ! ' Olive cried. * The poor 
 Egyptians are going in, and hundreds of them 
 are being drowned and carried away by the 
 torrent !* 
 
 \ 
 
io6 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 *0h, that doesn't matter,' Rameses answered 
 with Oriental unconcern. * There are lots more 
 where those came from. Besides, don't you 
 see ? — the bodies of the dead make an excellent 
 bridge for the living to pass over. In war, of 
 course, one can't trouble about these details. 
 One has to keep one's head clear — to look after 
 the commissariat.' 
 
 'Naturally,' the Greedy Boy replied. 'That's 
 a king's clear duty to his victorious soldiers. 
 They will need refreshment after the muscular 
 exertion of hacking and hewing ! ' 
 
 As he spoke, Dick Deadeye succeeded in 
 getting his detachment across the torrent (with 
 the loss of a few hundreds), and burst down 
 upon the plain on the astonished Assyrians. 
 
 Such an extraordinary rout as followed I 
 can hardly describe to you in military language. 
 I prefer to say with Tom, that they ran like 
 good 'uns. The Assyrians rent the sky with a 
 loud shout of ' Dick Deadeye ! Dick Deadeye ! 
 the dauntless raider of the boundless prairie ! 
 Oh, I star, it's all up with us ! Bel, Bel, protect 
 us ! He'll paint the town red ! Great Mero- 
 dach, what a fighter ! ' - 
 
DICK DEADEYE'S RAID 
 
 107 
 
 AN EXTRAORDINARY ROUT. 
 
 ^ .1, 
 
 (Merodach, I may observe, is the Assyrian 
 for Scott, the god of astonishment.) 
 
 It was all of no avail. The Assyrian 
 generals threw 50,000 infantry and 20,000 
 cavalry straight at Dick Deadeye's head ; but 
 the brave backwoodsman, drawing his trusty 
 six-shooter, repelled them with terrific loss, in 
 a way that extorted even Tom's critical ad- 
 miration. First, the centre gave way, then 
 the two wings, exactly as in the history books. 
 The commander of the Assyrian cavalry strove 
 indeed for a moment to restore the fortunes of 
 the day, by making a brave dash at an isolated 
 Egyptian soldier, who had got separated from 
 
io8 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 the rest through his shoe coming off; but this 
 example of bravery met with no imitators. 
 Soon the rout became general. The Assyrians 
 ran as if they were practising for the three 
 miles at the rate of the quarter. They broke 
 the record. Dick Deadeye led his victorious 
 troops into the camp of the enemy. As for 
 Rameses, he was delighted. * All strategy ! ' 
 he said, turning to Charlie. * All strategy ! 
 If/ hadn't stood here and directed the battle 
 from afar, besides attending meanwhile to the 
 needs of the commissariat — why, the day might 
 have been lost. The army might have faltered. 
 As it is, it's all over except the shouting and 
 the supper. Sutlers, prepare my imperial 
 meal ! My royal appetite is aroused after the 
 — ahem — the arduous labour of supervision and 
 superintendence.' He turned with a genial 
 Egyptian smile to Olive. * It's the brain-work 
 that tells, you know, my dear,* he said : ' it's 
 the brain-work. I have to think for all these 
 poor souls. They have nothing to do but just 
 kill and get killed, which is so very much 
 simpler than intellectual labour ! ' 
 
 * Undoubtedly,' Charlie answered, laying 
 
DICK DEADEYE'S RAID 109 
 
 one finger on his brow, exactly as you see in 
 statues of Shakespeare. 
 
 ' By the way,' Rameses observed to one of 
 his chief attendants, * where's Tih ? I should 
 like him to commemorate this victory.' 
 
 * Please your Majesty,' the attendant said, 
 'your Majesty forgets you beheaded him 
 yesterday.' ,, 
 
 'Dear me! so I did,' the King answered. 
 ' And now, I want him. How very unfor- 
 tunate! But these things 2£//// happen.' 
 
CHAPTER VIII 
 
 F/A ROME TO WATERLOO 
 
 They sat down again on the hillside, and ex- 
 amined the field of battle. It was a gruesome 
 sight, all strewn with mangled men, exactly 
 as you've seen pictures in the Illustrated London 
 News, after a glorious British attack upon some 
 half-naked savages. 
 
 /Well, I'm sure, Tom,' Olive said, 'you 
 ought to be satisfied now; I should think 
 you've seen enough men killed to please 
 anybody.' 
 
 * Even the most fastidious amateur must '' * 
 admit,' Charlie put in, in his affected way, 
 'that, viewed as a piece of first-rate human 
 
VIA ROME TO WATERLOO iii 
 
 carnage, this morning's work is entirely 
 satisfactory.' 
 
 But Tom was not yet content. He was 
 a glutton for slaughter. ' Well, I don't know 
 about that,' he answered, with a grudging air. 
 ' It's all very well these barbarians knocking 
 one another about the head with spears and 
 clubs ; but I should like to see a little good 
 Christian fighting.' 
 
 * Firearms are certainly much more scien- 
 tific,' Charlie allowed with a yawn. * I must 
 say I don't see much point, myself, in this 
 mdiscriminate blood-letting.' 
 
 * I have it ! ' Tom burst out. * I know what 
 I'll go and see! I'll drop in on Waterloo! 
 That'll be something like a battle ! ' 
 
 * Oh no,' Charlie said decisively. ' You 
 can't do that. That's ^/^//^ impossible.' 
 
 * Why so } ' Tom inquired, bridling up. 
 'Why, because,' Charlie answered, 'the 
 
 fellow who's writing this book knows nothing 
 about Waterloo ; and you don't suppose he's 
 going to mug it all up just on purpose to please 
 you? ' - 
 
 ' Oh, very well,' Tom said, pouting. ' If 
 
112 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 you're going to let this thing degenerate into 
 pure burlesque, I've nothing more to say 
 to it' 
 
 The Greedy Boy took the same view of the 
 case. ' Life is real, life is earnest,' he observed; 
 'and we've had nothing to eat since breakfast, 
 except a little plum-cake. I think it's high 
 time we should set about doing something 
 practical.' 
 
 * Time has been abolished,' Charlie answered 
 in a sulky tone. * So how can you talk about 
 it's being high time, Cecil ?' 
 
 * Then I think it's high eternity,' the Greedy 
 Boy corrected. * At any rate, I feel sure we 
 ought to be thinking of dinner.' 
 
 *You never think of anything else,' Olive 
 put in. Even gentle little Olive couldn't help 
 perceiving at times (or at eternities if you will) 
 that Cecil was just a trifle too fond of eating. 
 
 * Oh, how very unjust ! ' the Greedy Boy 
 exclaimed, with a keen sense of her untruthful- 
 ness. ' Why, I think no end about lunch and 
 breakfast!' 
 
 * Look here,' Tom burst out. * Let's com- 
 promise the matter like this. First, we'll go 
 
r/^ ROME TO WATERLOO 113 
 
 on and have a squint at Waterloo; and then 
 we'll come back to our own houses for dinner.' 
 ' Right you are,' Charlie answered. * But 
 how shall we find the way.? I expect from 
 this point we may have difficulty in discover- 
 ing it.' 
 
 ' Not at all,' Tom replied. ' Why should 
 we find it harder than this Assyrian business ? 
 All you have to do is to say, "Waterloo 
 ahoy ! " and Waterloo is before you. — Waterloo 
 ahoy!' And he waited for its appearance. 
 But never a Waterloo appeared upon the 
 horizon. 
 
 'This is odd,' he said, after a moment's 
 interval. * Every other time we've wanted to 
 be anywhere, we've only had to call out, " I 
 wish to land in the twentieth century b.c," and 
 instantly we found ourselves there.' 
 
 ' I believe,' Charlie answered, * in the case 
 of Waterloo, you can only get there by walking 
 on over the neighbouring hill, which has a sort 
 of Belgian air, and passing rapidly through the 
 intervening centuries.' 
 
 'That's quite right,' Rameses assented (for 
 he was still close by). ' You say what is true, 
 
I. 
 
 114 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 by I sis and Osiris. I remember to have read 
 it in some hieroglyphics.' 
 
 * But it's such an awfully long way,' Olive 
 objected; 'and I'm getting quite tired. I'm 
 sure I could never walk through all the 
 centuries between the Nineteenth Dynasty 
 and the Duke of Wellington.' 
 
 * Oh, there's a short cut through,' Rameses 
 answered, in quite a kindly voice — 'by the 
 Roman road, down yonder.' And he pointed 
 with his finger — never having been taught that 
 to point is vulgar. 
 
 ^^* Thank you,' Olive said. * How very kind 
 of you to show it to us!' She really felt 
 that, though he had ordered the cold-blooded 
 massacre of several thousands of Assyrians, he 
 was a mucA better fellow at least than she had 
 at first supposed him. 
 
 They turned down the Roman road, which 
 was smoothly paved with small blocks of stone, 
 and descended into a valley which Charlie 
 believed to lie somewhere in the neighbour- 
 hood of the Tusculan Disputations. At least, 
 it had quite a Ciceronian look about it. 
 
 ' Can you imagine,' Tom asked, ' how it 
 
r/^ ROME TO WATERLOO 115 
 
 comes about that while in every other case 
 we could go straight at will to the particular 
 century we wanted to arrive at, in this case we 
 are compelled laboriously to traverse the inter- 
 mediate ages ? ' 
 
 ' My own opinion is,' Charlie answered, * if 
 you ask me point-blank, that the author knows 
 nothing at all about Waterloo; and that, as 
 you insist on going there, he's trying to read it 
 up, and is sending us round meanwhile, so as 
 to gain time while he reads it.' 
 
 ' Now that,' said Tom, ' I call sheer ab- 
 surdity.' 
 
 *0f course,' Charlie answered, unmoved. 
 'Recollect, this is Infinity; and, therefore, the 
 Infinitely Absurd is what you would naturally 
 expect from it.' 
 
 Tom was too much annoyed to answer this 
 futile and puerile argument. He was really 
 getting tired of chopping logic. He felt that 
 Charlie was so far right, that he was illustrating 
 in his own person the Infinitely Priggish and 
 the Infinitely Tedious; and he continued his 
 way down the hill without further parley. 
 Olive was growing cross and tired as well ; 
 
ii6 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 SO none of the party spoke for the next ten 
 minutes. 
 
 At the bottom of the hill they came across 
 two boys in short Roman tunics (' A^t?/ togas, 
 you see,' Tom said with pride, to show his 
 
 BALBUS BUILDS A WALL. 
 
 knowledge of the subject, ' because they're not 
 yet grown up'), one of whom was laying 
 bricks with the greatest nicety, in very hard 
 concrete ; while the other was engaged with a 
 most complacent air in eating roast chestnuts. 
 * I know who this is, I'm sure,' Tom said, 
 
VIA ROME TO WATERLOO 117 
 
 confidently, going up to the boy who was laying 
 the bricks. ' I've met you often in my Latin 
 exercises. Your name is Balbus.* 
 
 The intelligent young Roman turned round 
 and nodded — a nod being much the same in 
 all European languages, ancient or modern. 
 , ' What are you doing ? ' Olive asked. 
 
 ' Aedifico murum,' the boy answered (in 
 Latin). , 
 
 ' Say it in English,' Olive interrupted, pouting. 
 
 ' I build, or, I am building a wall,' Balbus 
 replied, with a capital English accent. 
 
 * Thou buildest a wall ! ' the other boy cried, 
 turning to him. 
 
 'He builds a wall!' Olive exclaimed, look- 
 ing close at him. 
 
 * We build a wall,' the two boys assented. 
 ' You build a wall,' Charlie admitted. 
 
 * They build a wall ! ' the Greedy Boy 
 echoed. 
 
 And the two young Romans at once began 
 to chant, in a somewhat monotonous chorus — 
 ' Aedifico murum ; aedificas murum ; aedificat 
 murum; aedificamus murum; aedificatis murum; 
 aedificant murum.' 
 
Ti8 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 As for Tom, he turned away in disgust. 
 'There,' he murmured angrily, 'they've con- 
 jugated the whole of the present tense, in 
 English and Latin! That's why I just hate 
 Latin. I wouldn't be a Roman boy, not for 
 any money you could offer me. Why, those 
 ancient Romans used to go jabbering all day 
 long in the silliest way about the most stupid 
 subjects! / don't want to be always saying 
 that Balbus built a wall, or that Caius went to 
 Rome in three days, in the ablative of time 
 when, and in the oblique oration.* 
 
 ' It's not quite so silly as French, though,' 
 Olive put in. * French people never say any- 
 thing except such nonsensical gossip — "the 
 good washerwoman loves the son of the idle 
 shoemaker," or else, " the coat of the wicked 
 sailor is not so large as the big green parrot 
 of the beautiful hairdresser." / call it silly 
 rubbish. I can't understand how grown-up 
 people can ever be donkeys enough to say 
 anything so foolish.' . v 
 
 ' And Latin ! ' Tom went on, with profound 
 contempt. * " Caius addressed the army and 
 told them that Caesar was shordy about to 
 
VIA ROME TO WATERLOO 119 
 
 arrive from Gaul with the utmost diiigence." 
 I quite agree with you, Olive. It's the merest 
 balderdash. They never can say anything 
 consecutive and sensible. They go rumbling 
 along from one thing to another with such 
 rotten short sentences.' 
 
 'Yet there's a great movement in favour 
 of short sentences among philanthropists at 
 present,' Charlie remarked, looking serious. 
 Being a prig, Charlie was naturally interested 
 in philanthropy. * Long sentences are the 
 bane of our criminal system.' 
 
 His reflections on this subject, however, 
 were suddenly cut short by Caius and Balbus, 
 who, anxious to prove that they could give long 
 sentences too, when occasion demanded it, burst 
 forth at once with a unanimous stream of good 
 round Latin abuse, beginning, 'Quousque tandem 
 abutere, puer Anglice, patientia nostra ? ' and 
 extending over several printed pager of the 
 finest and purest Ciceronian oratory. I could 
 pour forth whole columns of it here, in excellent 
 Latin, if I liked; but I refrain, for fear of 
 appearing tedious. 
 
 Tom stopped his ears and fled. It was as 
 
I20 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 bad as the Fifth Form. The others fled with 
 him, precipitately, down the short cut, towards 
 the Modern Side, and never paused for a 
 moment till they had crossed several centuries, 
 a couple of deep valleys, and a great green 
 wood, and found themselves at last upon the 
 field of Waterloo, on the morning of the 
 battle. 
 
 TOM FLED. 
 
A SOLITARY FOOTMAN. 
 
 CHAPTER IX 
 
 THE MORNING OF THE BATTLE 
 
 As yet nothing was stirring. All was calm 
 and quiet. The first rays of dawn hardly 
 struck the gray walls of the Chateau of 
 Hougomont. The British army slept in its 
 tents (if any). The sloping hills in the fore- 
 ground concealed the cavalry and reserves both 
 from Tom and from Napoleon. The children, 
 from their point of vantage, gazed out eagerly 
 
122 TOM, UNLIMITED' 
 
 in the direction of La Belle Alliance. Not a 
 sound broke the silence, save the snoring of 
 the great Duke, mingled with occasional mur- 
 murs of Iser rolling rapidly, as at Hohenlinden 
 and elsewhere. 
 
 Suddenly, their attention was distracted for a 
 moment from the Allied Army by a stealthy 
 figure approaching along devious roads down 
 the same path they had come by. 
 
 *Ha! I thought so,* Tom cried. *A soli- 
 tary footman ! ' 
 
 'Why a footman?' Charlie asked. 'He 
 isn't in livery.' 
 
 ' Certainly not,' Tom replied, rather hurt. 
 ' But if one man on horse-back is a solitary 
 horseman, then one man on foot must be a 
 solitary footman.' 
 
 , ' I don't see that,' Charlie answered, eager to 
 argue it out. ' It ought to be a man on foot-back, 
 to make your parallel complete. Now, the back 
 of your foot is clearly your instep ; and nobody 
 walks upside down — not even in Infinity.' . 
 
 * The back of your foot is your sole,' Tom 
 replied, ready to fight the matter out in de- 
 tail by analogy. 
 
THE MORNING OF THE BATTLE 123 
 
 * No, it isn't,' the Greedy Boy remarked, 
 coming to Charlie's assistance. * The front of 
 your hand is your palm ; and the back of your 
 hand is — well, this. So, by parity of reason- 
 ing ' he lingered lovingly on that phrase, 
 
 ' by parity of reasoning, the front of your foot is 
 your sole, and the back of your foot is obviously 
 your instep. That, I take it, is simple human 
 anatomy.' 
 
 Tom felt they were right ; but he didn't like 
 to give in. So he took refuge in saying, * Well, 
 anyhow, if this isn't a solitary footman, it's a 
 solitary man on foot approaching. If any 
 fellow says it ain't, why, I'm open to fight him 
 for it.' 
 
 That was an argument whose cogency both 
 Charlie and the Greedy Boy most readily 
 admitted. 
 
 The solitary footman approached. Tom 
 saw to his amazement, as he wound his way 
 down the narrow Roman road, that it was the 
 Assyrian Chief Chamberlain, creeping along 
 like an Indian scout on his way towards 
 Brussels. 
 
 * Why, what are you doing here ? ' he in- 
 
124 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 quired with some surprise. ' Excuse my saying 
 it, but you're clearly out of place in a war of 
 the nineteenth century.' 
 
 * Not more out of place,' the Chief Chamber- 
 lain retorted, ' than you and your friends were 
 in a war of the Nineteenth Dynasty.' 
 
 Tom was forced to admit there was some- 
 thing in that ; though he still thought the 
 Assyrian was de trop at such a moment. 
 
 ' I felt,' the Chief Chamberlain went on, 
 ' that you had saved my life on an important 
 occasion ; and so I watched which way you 
 went, followed your footsteps like a faithful 
 spy or a Cuban bloodhound, tracked you on 
 with the cunning of a Sherlock Holmes across 
 the Greek and Roman periods, and after 
 missing your trail for a while through the 
 Middle Ages, which you seem to have hurried 
 through without leaving a trace behind, came 
 upon you at last on the field of Waterloo.' 
 He flung himself on Tom's neck. * My 
 preserver ! ' he cried in a hysterical voice. 
 ' My preserver ! ' 
 
 * Here, none of that, you know,' Tom cried, 
 releasing himself from the Assyrian's embrace 
 
THE MORNING OF THE BATTLE 125 
 
 with difficulty. ' Tm not going to be slobbered 
 over ! If you come into the nineteenth century, 
 
 ' MY PRESERVER ! ' HE CRIED. 
 
 you must behave as sich. I can't allow you to 
 go falling into my arms like a lunatic' 
 
 The Chief Chamberlain withdrew with a 
 somewhat offended air. ' Oh, very well,' he 
 
126 TOM, UNLIMITED • 
 
 said abruptly. * If you mean to treat me like 
 that, I shall go over to the French, and 
 betray you to Napoleon. And then you must 
 remember,' he added after a dramatic pause, 
 * I may be able to change the whole course 
 of history.' 
 
 Tom was a true patriot. He felt that it 
 would never do to let Napoleon win the 
 battle of Waterloo ; so he braced himself 
 up, and said with an effort, 'Oh, of course, 
 if you put it on that political ground, I don't 
 mind allowing you to join my suite.' And 
 he waved his hand with dignity towards the 
 Greedy Boy and Olive. 
 
 The morning was wet and stormy. (Vbu 
 must have seen that in your English History.) 
 Rain fell from time to time; but did not 
 incommode them, of course, as it was rain 
 that dried up some eighty years earlier. * Isn't 
 it funny,' Olive cried. * to see the place all wet, 
 and the ground so dripping, and yet to be 
 able to sit down on the green grass in com- 
 fort, and to look out upon the rain, as dry 
 as red herrings ? * 
 
 The Greedy Boy's eyes filled with tears 
 
THE MORNING OF THE BATTLE 127 
 
 at the suggestion. *Ah, red herrings!* he 
 echoed. 'Red herrings! It's terrible to 
 think of! Here we shall be, surrounded by 
 food for a hundred and fifty thousand fighting 
 men — yet unable to taste a single morsel. 
 " Water, water everywhere, and not a drop 
 to drink," isn't in it for misery.' And his 
 feelings got the better of him. 
 
 'Cheer up,' Charlie cried. 'When the 
 day is won, we shall yet be in time* to go 
 home for dinner.' 
 
 Dinner! The word only seemed to in- 
 crease the Greedy Boy's grief. He lay back 
 in his place on the wet grass for a few short 
 minutes, and abandoned himself entire to the 
 luxury of sorrow. 
 
 'Oh, look there,' Olive cried, a moment 
 later, pointing vaguely with her hand in the 
 direction of Jemappes ; ' here's another solitary 
 footman. Who can he be, I wonder?* 
 
 'A solitary footman,' Charlie began, in his 
 most didactic voice, 'is a servant in livery, 
 who ' 
 
 'Oh, stop that rot,' Tom exclaimed, stuffing 
 his hands in his ears. ' We've heard it all 
 
128 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 before ! Shut up for a minute. The fate of 
 Europe is at stake. I believe this is a bearer 
 of important despatches.' 
 
 ' Oh no,' Olive said confidently. She was 
 quite beginning to understand Infinity now. 
 * He doesn't belong to the epoch. Don't you 
 see, he's walking through the English sentries 
 without being challenged or giving the pass- 
 word. He must be moving on the plane of a 
 separate century.' She had heard Charlie use 
 these words, and repeated them now with pride 
 in order to show she was just as much at home 
 in Infinity as any of them. 
 
 The solitary footman approached. As he 
 toiled up the slopes of the grassy hill, Olive saw 
 to her surprise that it was Rameses himself, the 
 Egyptian sovereign ! 
 
 ' Hullo, old boy ! ' Tom cried, addressing 
 the monarch familiarly. ' What's brought you 
 along too } You don't want to join my suite as 
 well as t'other 'un, do you } ' 
 
 The Lion of Egypt looked a trifle surprised 
 at being addressed by a youth in such familiar 
 tones ; but he recollected in a moment that he 
 too was in Infinity, so that Infinite Cheekiness 
 
THE MORNING OF THE BATTLE 129 
 
 might be naturally expected. Though if it 
 comes to that, the Infinite Cheekiness of the 
 British schoolboy may be equally well observed 
 any day of the week in the streets of London or 
 the Public Schools of our century. 
 
 'Well, no,' the King said cheerfully, de- 
 positing his Double Crown in a place of safety 
 by his side, where it no longer incommoded 
 him. * I can't exactly say I came here myself 
 with any such intention. As brother of the Sun, 
 and second cousin twice removed of the planet 
 Jupiter, I should feel myself degraded by taking 
 a place in anybody's suite, — except of course 
 Amen-Ra's or Osiris's. The reason of my visit 
 is somewhat different. Since I've been travel- 
 ling in Infinity' — he assumed a very wise air — 
 ' I've come across large numbers of strange 
 books and inscriptions in a foreign tongue, 
 which my scribes and learned men have with 
 difficulty read for me. These inscriptions 
 interested me. In the intervals of causing the 
 Nile to rise, and the Sun to set, and the 
 heavenly bodies to continue their usual revolu- 
 tions, which are my everyday duties, I set 
 myself to learn the language in which the 
 
I30 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 barbarian books were written. 
 I have succeeded so well that, 
 as you can readily perceive, I 
 speak it at present as perfectly 
 as a native.' He turned be- 
 nigaly to Olive. 'You are a 
 native yourself,' he said, *and 
 I think you will admit I can 
 converse in your tongue as well 
 as you yourself do.' 
 
 Olive bridled up at once. 
 'I'm not a native,' she answered. 
 ' Natives are black people. I'm 
 a little English girl, and I won't 
 be called ugly bad names by 
 anybody.' . 
 
 ' There ! I told you so ! ' 
 the Lord of the Upper and 
 Nether ' Lands exclaimed with 
 pride, turning blindly to Charlie. ' She doesn't 
 even understand the meaning of native ! It's 
 no use arguing with little girls. My experience 
 is that they don't understand the merest rudi- 
 ments of logic. — Well, I was going to explain 
 to you, when her observation turned me aside 
 
 'I'm not a native. 
 
THE MORNING OF THE BATTLE 131 
 
 to a momentary digression, that the instant I 
 heard you speak, over yonder in Mesopotamia, 
 I recognised you as members of the remote and 
 barbarous far-northern tribe who wrote in this 
 strange language.' 
 
 * I beg your pardon ! ' Charlie said, drawing 
 himself up very stiff, with British pride and 
 rigidity. 
 
 The Beloved of the Gods took no notice at 
 all, however, of Charlie s indignant interruption. 
 ' So I determined,' he went on, ' to follow you 
 up at once, and ask if you could give me some 
 little information on the structure of your 
 language, which still slightly puzzles me. You 
 see, I am not above learning, even from a 
 barbarian. I think I have fairly mastered the 
 grammar and vocabulary of your outlandish 
 gibberish ; I can use your clumsy words quite 
 fluently in conversation : but I have as yet no 
 good clue to the laws of your pronunciation ; 
 and I should like to set myself right by the lips 
 of a native.* 
 
 He was quite right on this point. 
 
 Charlie observed for himself that, though 
 the King spoke tolerably well and rapidly (for 
 
132 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 a mere foreigner), his pronunciation was some- 
 times sufficiently ludicrous to bring a passing 
 smile to the placid countenance of a feline 
 quadruped. 
 
 * Oh, certainly,' he answered, with con- 
 siderable condescension. * You don't speak so 
 badly, for a man who has only learnt his ' 
 English out of books ; but, to be quite frank, : 
 I must admit, you pronounce abominably.' 
 
 'Certainly I can pronounce ''abominably,'" 
 Rameses went on, making a wry face. ' Listen 
 here; is this right? "abominably; abominably." 
 Ugly and uncouth as are your hideous words, I 
 flatter myself I can manage with a twist to get 
 my divine Egyptian tongue round them.' 
 
 ' And you want lessons ? ' Charlie asked. 
 
 ' Pre-cisely,' the King answered. 
 
 The Greedy Boy seized on the chance of 
 turning an honest penny with ancestral clever- 
 ness. (His father had made thousands out of 
 Egyptian Unified.) 'Our fee,' he said simply, 
 'will be ten bob an hour.' 
 
 ' That's rather high, isn't it ? ' Rameses 
 answered. ' However, I am the Lord of the 
 Double Crown, — and a man with two crowns 
 
THE MORNING OF THE BATTLE 133 
 
 can of course afford ten shillings.' He said 
 this in a peculiarly lordly voice, remembering, 
 first, that it is always quite simple for an 
 Oriental monarch to repudiate his debts ; 
 second, that he had no currency to pay them 
 in but scarabs ; and third, that if he failed to 
 fulfil his obligations, the British Government 
 would doubtless make the Egyptian peasants 
 pay, and pension their monarch off with a 
 million a year at Naples. 
 
 ' Shall we begin at once ? ' Charlie inquired. 
 
 This was more than Tom could stand. 
 'You don't mean to say,' he burst out, 'that on 
 the morning of Waterloo, here on the historic 
 hill of Hougomont itself, you propose to begin 
 teaching a wretched Egyptian mummy out of 
 the British Museum the principles (if there are 
 any) of English pronunciation ? ' 
 
 Charlie was all sweet reasonableness. ' Cer- 
 tainly ! why not ? ' he answered. * We've lots 
 of time to spare — I mean, lots of eternity.' 
 He consulted his watch. * It's now eight 
 o'clock,' he went on. 'According to the 
 account in our School History of the British 
 Empire, the fighting did not begin till nearly 
 
134 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 noon. We can't stop here all that time — I 
 mean all that eternity — with nothing to do ' 
 
 'And no commissariat,' the Greedy Boy 
 interjected. 
 
 * Twiddling our thumbs,' Charlie went on, 
 'and waiting for the battle.' 
 
 ' I dispute your facts,' Tom answered, con- 
 sulting a paper-covered penny book he had 
 happened to thrust into his pocket on leaving 
 home in the morning. (It was that well- 
 known historical work. Bill Jones at Waterloo, 
 or the Grenadier s Revenge, by J. Montgomery 
 Judkins.) 'According to the Duke of Well- 
 ington's own private despatch, the battle began 
 at ten ; while if some authorities are to be 
 believed, it is actually at this moment raging all 
 around us.* 
 
 'That shows,' Olive remarked, 'how very 
 little confidence one can place in history.' 
 
 'Very well,' Charlie answered, unperturbed. 
 It took a great deal to upset Charlie's equa- 
 nimity — which is a habit of prigs ; they are so 
 thoroughly self-satisfied that you can't easily 
 draw them. ' There are conflicting accounts, 
 and we'll take the average. Some people say 
 
THE MORNING OF THE BATTLE 135 
 
 the battle began at eight; some people, at 
 twelve ; we'll go midway between the two, and 
 decide it's to begin at ten precisely.' 
 
 • That gives us two hours,' the Greedy Boy 
 went on. 'Two hours at ten bob — equals 
 twenty-one shillings.' 
 
 *A pound,' the Egyptian corrected, with 
 creditable familiarity with our British coinage. 
 
 ' Gentlemen are always paid in guineas,' the 
 Greedy Boy retorted. And Rameses let the 
 question slide, reflecting that after all he didn't 
 mean to pay; so it was hardly worth while 
 higgling and quibbling over an imaginary - 
 shilling. 
 
 'Here comes the Duke himself,' Tom ex- 
 claimed. (He knew him by the picture on 
 the Wellington Knife Polish.) 'We'll ask him 
 his opinion. I should think he must know 
 better than anybody else about it.' 
 
 Tom approached the great man cautiously. 
 The Duke was wearing a pair of Wellington 
 boots, and looked deeply preoccupied, so Tom 
 felt it might be imprudent to break in roughly 
 upon his reverie. ' I beg your Grace's pardon,' 
 he said in an apologetic voice, after a short pause. 
 
 
136 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 as the Duke pushed him pensively out of his 
 way with some considerable violence ; * but 
 
 
 'BLESS MY SOUL,' THE DUKE EXCLAIMED. 
 
 cou/d you tell me at what hour precisely the 
 battle of Waterloo began to be fought ? ' And 
 
THE MORNING OF THE BATTLE 137 
 
 he looked up at him with a face full of honest 
 inquiry. 
 
 ' Bless my soul,' the Duke exclaimed, glancing 
 down at him. 'What on earth does the boy 
 mean.? The battle of Waterloo is not yet 
 fought, so how the dickens can I tell you at 
 what hour it will commence ? I'm not a 
 prophet — not even a sporting prophet. I refer 
 you on the subject to my published despatches, 
 after the battle, if I happen to live through it' 
 He turned to an aide-de-camp. * Macpherson, 
 I want you to take this despatch to Lord 
 Uxbridge.' And he passed on without even 
 noticing Charlie, Rameses, or the Assyrian. 
 
 'There! that setdes the question,' Charlie 
 burst out; 'and just in the sense I indicated! 
 The Duke, the greatest authority, living or 
 dead, on the subject, refers you to his 
 despatches. And his despatch says ten. 
 That decides the matter.' He took out his 
 note-book, and, like a prig that he was, made 
 a deliberate note of it. ' Now,' he said, turning 
 to Rameses, ' we have two hours still for our 
 lesson. I trust you will prove a good and 
 diligent pupil.' 
 
 ' 1 
 
TOM WAS FUMING VISIBLY. 
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 A LESSON IN ENGLISH 
 
 They took a seat on the grass again. Tom 
 was fuming visibly. * Dis-graceful,' he said, 
 * dis-graceful — in any true-born Briton ! The 
 Egyptian and the Assyrian I can forgive, of 
 course; they're nothing but foreigners, — and 
 dead foreigners at that, so it's no good being 
 angry with them. But to think that two free- 
 born British subjects, on the morning of 
 Waterloo ' His indignation overcame him, 
 
A LESSON IN ENGLISH 139 
 
 and he muttered to himself in the most dreadful 
 manner. 
 
 Meanwhile Rameses produced from the 
 folds of his clothing (for he was earlier than 
 pockets) a small scrap of paper, on which he 
 had evidently been writing an English exercise. 
 * I thought,' he said, with an air which exactly 
 recalled the Greedy Boy's as he read his own 
 verses, * I had better begin, perhaps, by sliowing 
 you what I have done — a little thing of my 
 own — some lines I have tried to write in 
 imitation — ahem' — of your own barbaric far- 
 northern poetry.' 
 
 'Just like our own headmaster,' Cecil 
 murmured aside to Tom. * He's never so 
 happy as when he can get somebody to listen 
 to his Latin verses.' 
 
 'All right,' Charlie said. 'Go ahead, old 
 man ! Read clearly and distinctly ! I shall 
 be able to judge what sort of notion you have 
 formed of English pronunciation and English 
 prosody.' 
 
 * Rhyme or blank verse ? ' Tom inquired. 
 ' Because — if they're blank verse — I can stand 
 a good deal, but — I go over to the enemy.' 
 
140 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 'Oh, they're in rhyme, all right,' Rameses 
 answered ; * in rhyme. Very choice rhyme 
 too. Several of my rhymes, indeed, I flatter 
 myself, are entirely original. I haven't been 
 able to discover them in any of your boasted 
 
 CLEARING HIS THROAT, RAMESES BEGAN THE RECITAL. 
 
 English poets, whose works I've come across 
 knocking up and down here in Infinity.' 
 
 ' Proceed,' Charlie observed, with the airs 
 and graces of a professional critic. 
 
 Rameses held his head on one side, and 
 
A LESSON IN ENGLISH 141 
 
 glanced lovingly at his manuscript. Then, 
 clearing his throat, he began his recital : — 
 
 * I've had the rheumatics, the mumps, and the ague ; 
 I've barely escaped an attack of the plague.' 
 
 He pronounced it *play-gew,' to rhyme with 
 *ague.' Charlie clapped his hands to his ears, 
 and assumed an agonised expression of coun- 
 tenance — ^just as his form-master always did 
 when he himself happened to indulge in a 
 flaring false quantity. * Oh, stop,' he cried. 
 ' Stop ! Dont go any further ! Your first line's 
 quite enough. We say "plague," not "play- 
 gew."' 
 
 * Oh, very well,' Rameses answered with a 
 disconcerted air. * Anything you like, I'm sure, 
 to oblige a gentleman.' And he began reading 
 it again, making the words rhyme as before, 
 but turning them the other way on, thus — 
 
 ' I've had the rheumatics, the mumps, and the ayg ; 
 I've barely escaped an attack of the plague.' 
 
 'Stop, stop,' Charlie cried again. 'That's 
 almost worse than the other way. We say 
 "ague," not "ayg." My dear good King, 
 you're making a regular hash of it.' 
 
142 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 Rameses by this time had all but lost his 
 temper. ' Now, look here,' he said argumenta- 
 tively. * How do you pronounce the syllable 
 a-g-u-e in your ridiculous language ? Is it 
 ** ayg," or is it ** agew " ? ' 
 
 'It's both,' Charlie answered, 'according to 
 circumstances. In one case we say "plague," 
 in the other case " ague." ' 
 
 * And how do you know,' Rameses went on, 
 ' in each particular instance, which way you're 
 to pronounce it } What mark do you put on 
 the M in order to show whether it's mute or 
 otherwise ? ' 
 
 'We put nothing,' Charlie answered, his 
 bosom now swelling, quite as much as Tom's, 
 with patriotic pride. ' We English have none 
 of that preposterous nonsense about accent grave 
 and accent aigu; it's only fit for Frenchmen.' 
 
 ' And we're just going to lick the French at 
 Waterloo,' Tom put in with gusto. 
 
 ' I see,' Rameses remarked, making some 
 occult signs with hieroglyphics on the margin 
 of his paper. 'Your pronunciation has really 
 no rules, and goes anyhow that happens. Well, 
 well, I'll continue reciting my little piece. I 
 
A LESSON IN ENGLISH 143 
 
 don't suppose we shall find many more such 
 effects in it* 
 
 He began again in the same voice — 
 
 * I've had the rheumatics, the mumps, and the ague ; 
 I've barely escaped jift attack of the pla-gue. 
 I've been troubled at night by a worrying cough ; 
 I hardly can tell you the things I've been through.' 
 
 He pronounced it 'throff,' to rhyme with 
 'cough.' Charlie clapped his hands to his 
 ears again. 'Oh no, no,' he exclaimed, 
 agonised. • Through, through, my dear 
 monarch. C-o-u-g-h spells "cough"; but 
 t-h-r-o-u-g-h spells ** through." That's an 
 English peculiarity.' 
 
 •We say cough, through, rough, dough, 
 bough,' Tom interposed, getting interested. 
 
 *And h-o-u-g-h is pronounced "hock," 'the 
 Greedy Boy put in. He was anxious to earn 
 his share of the ten shillings. 
 
 Rameses' face was comic in its despair. 
 ' What a language ! ' he exclaimed. ' How on 
 earth do your children ever manage to learn it.^ 
 I wonder your wise men — priests of the Sun 
 and so forth — don't invent something simpler 
 
144 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 and easier and more uniform ; something, for 
 example, like our own hieroglyphics.' 
 
 * Hieroglyphics ! * Olive shouted, unable to 
 restrain herself. * Oh, they're ever and ever so 
 difficult! Why, only learned men at museums 
 can decipher them." 
 
 'Not at all,' Rameses answered. 'They're 
 as easy as A, B, C — I mean to say, as hiero- 
 glyphics. It's your beastly spelling that no 
 fellow can manage.' 
 
 'Well, continue your lines,' Charlie said, 
 in a headmasterly tone. ' Let us hear-the 
 rest of them.' 
 
 ' I think,' Rameses suggested, ' it would 
 perhaps be best if you allowed me to read 
 them all out, without any interruption, at first, 
 so as to judge of the style, you know — I rather 
 pride myself upon my style — and then make 
 what corrections you think necessary after- 
 wards. You see, the truth is, I'm unaccustomed 
 to interruptions. In the Upper and Lower 
 Lands, if any one ventured to interrupt me, I 
 would convey to him some delicate hint of my 
 displeasure, — such as roasting him alive, or 
 tearing him to pieces with red-hot pincers. 
 
 ;. 
 
A LESSON IN ENGLISH 145 
 
 So I'll just run through them first, if you'll 
 allow me, that you may catch the idea ; and 
 afterwards we'll examine them, one by one, 
 in detail, for the rhymes and pronunciation.' 
 
 * All right, old man ! Get ahead,' Tom said 
 kindly, encouraging him. 
 
 The King began to read, making each 
 second line rhyme with the one that preceded 
 it, no matter how we pronounce it. And this 
 was the piece he had managed to produce, 
 after long cogitation, by his unaided intelli- 
 gence : — 
 
 ' I've had the rheumatics, the mumps, and the ague ; 
 I've barely escaped an attack of the plague. 
 I've been worried at night by a troublesome cough ; 
 I hardly can tell you ±e things I've been through. 
 In short, since the day wheci. I started from home, 
 I've been of disease a condense3"~epitmie. 
 I've swum in quinine, and I've gorged sat>o!atile^ 
 (I'm a bit of a doctor, I am so versatile.) 
 I've lived upon pills and on plasters in batches : 
 Yet nothing could conquer my pains and my aches. 
 In spite of which woes, my benevolent nature 
 Has urged me such schemes of improvement to mature 
 That for all my poor neighbours I've brewed and I've 
 
 baked, 
 While feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. ' 
 Still, lest you should think me a troublesome rogue, 
 
 L 
 
146 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 I will not add a word to this brief catalogue ; 
 I merely will state that at home I'm bucolic ; 
 While abroad, oh, my tastes are distinctly catholic. 
 Indeed, I have travelled through manifold scenes, 
 With Persians and Medians, with Jews and Hellenes 
 I've hunted the lion, I've hunted the bison ; 
 'Twixt me and my rivals there's no comparison ; 
 And my people have raised a most elegant arch 
 To the king whom they love as a model monarch.' 
 
 ' CHARMING, CHARMING ! \ 
 
 ' Charming, charming ! ' the Chief Chamber- 
 lain exclaimed, in an ecstatic voice, as Rameses 
 
A LESSON IN ENGLISH 147 
 
 ended his recital, and looked about him for 
 applause. * Though my country and your 
 Majesty's have unhappily had of late some 
 slight political differences, I cannot help 
 recognising in these beautiful verses the 
 genuine note of a true poet.' He leaned 
 back and shut his eyes, as if drinking them 
 in slowly. 'The muse,' he murmured, 'rises 
 above all lesser considerations of creed or 
 country. We can appreciate great verse, 
 whether it comes to us from a fellow-country- 
 man, or from what I grieve to call an 
 enemy.' 
 
 ' What makes him talk such nonsense ? ' 
 Olive asked aside of Tom. ' Why, the 
 rhymes were all wrong, and the verses were 
 rubbish.' 
 
 * Well, you see,' Tom answered, ' the Chief 
 Chamberlain's a courtier, and he's been brought 
 up to the trade ; so no doubt he thinks it right 
 to flatter all kings indiscriminately, without 
 waiting to make any invidious distinctions. 
 Besides, he's in disgrace at his own court, 
 you see ; so I daresay it suits his book to 
 try and curry favour with the Egyptians 
 
148 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 instead, on the off chance of getting a good 
 appointment in the Customs at Memphis or 
 somewhere.' 
 
 '- Such taste ! ' the Chief Chamberlain went 
 on ; * such choice of language ! such delicate 
 sentiment ! ' 
 
 * Such tommy-rot ! ' the Greedy Boy inter- 
 posed, anticipating Tom's verdict. * Such silly 
 old trash ! such utter drivel ! ' 
 
 Rameses looked across at Charlie. 'What 
 do you say ? ' he asked anxiously. Though he 
 was the absolute lord of twenty millions of 
 Egyptians, it was clear that he was most 
 nervous about their criticism of his verses, 
 and that he attached special importance to 
 Charlie's verdict. For if only you are a pre- 
 tentious enough and solemn enough prig, you 
 will find everybody regards you as a great 
 critical authority. 
 
 * Well, do you want my real opinion } ' 
 Charlie inquired cautiously, 'or do you wish 
 me to give you a piece of court flattery } ' 
 
 Rameses rubbed his hands together nerv- 
 ously. ' Oh, your real opinion, by all means,' 
 he answered. ' I — I desire to know the truth 
 
A LESSON IN ENGLISH 149 
 
 about these — these literary efforts of mine.' 
 And he leaned forward in his eagerness. 
 
 * In that case,' Charlie answered, * I can only 
 say I entirely agree ' 
 
 * With the Chief Chamberlain ? ' Rameses 
 suggested, brightening up. 
 
 * Not at all,' Charlie answered. 'With my 
 friend Cecil's opinion. I should call them utter 
 rot of the feeblest description.' 
 
 Which was a sell for the great king, and 
 very vexatious to the mighty monarch. 
 
 Nevertheless, he attempted to wriggle out 
 of it somehow. * In what particular,' he asked 
 slowly, drawing a very long breath, *do they 
 differ from the greatest and most admired, 
 productions of the British poets, such as Shelley, 
 Tennyson, Doss Chiderdoss, and others ? * 
 
 ' Well, in the first place,' Charlie answered, 
 assuming a judicial air, 'there isn't a single 
 decent rhyme from beginning to end of them.' 
 
 * Absurd ! ' Rameses cried. * Why, the 
 rhymes are all perfect, and most carefully 
 selected.' 
 
 ' To begin with,' Charlie went on, ' we say 
 " home," but not " epitome." ' 
 
I50 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 * A most illogical proceeding," Rameses 
 answered, his temper gradually rising. 
 
 * Then again,' Charlie continued, * we say 
 " sal volatile," but we don't say " versattily " ; 
 we say it right, like this : " versatile." We 
 pronounce "arch" to rhyme with "march"; 
 but we don't pronounce *' monarch " " mo- 
 nartch " — we call it ** monarch." 
 
 Rameses could endure it no longer. He 
 rose in his wrath, with the mien of a Pharaoh. 
 * Hack this creature in pieces ! ' he called out to 
 the attendants all round. But as they were 
 British infantry, just then engaged in turning 
 out of their tents, they took not the slightest 
 
 notice. - 
 
 ' I thought you wanted my candid opinion,' 
 Charlie remarked, now well aware that the 
 Egyptian and he moved in different centuries. 
 
 * Certainly,' the King replied, growing black 
 in the face with anger. ' But sentiments such 
 as these could only proceed from pure spite and 
 envy. It annoys you to see the finest poetry 
 of your country, your wretched, miserable, hyper- 
 borean country, surpassed at one stroke by the 
 divine son of Horus ; and you take a petty 
 
A LESSON IN ENGLISH 151 
 
 revenge by pretending to introduce stupid laws 
 of pronunciation which the savages of the South 
 would be ashamed to promulgate. If you were 
 one of my own people, I would demonstrate 
 the truth of these philosophic remarks by 
 cutting you alive into ten thousand pieces. As 
 it is, I feel you are a contemptible savage, 
 unworthy of my serene and imperial considera- 
 tion.' 
 
 * My gum, isn't he just in a wax ! * Tom 
 cried. * You've drawn him this time, Charlie, 
 and no mistake. I wouldn't stand in your 
 shoes for sixpence, old man, if he were to get 
 by accident into the nineteenth century.' 
 
 * Only the highest contributors,' Charlie said 
 with a haughty air, * are ever admitted into the 
 Nineteenth Century.' 
 
 ' They get none but first-class authorities,' 
 the Greedy Bov added : — ' a paper on Novels, 
 by a distinguished novelist — say Sir Walter 
 Besant : a paper on Philosophy, by a distin- 
 guished philosopher — say Herbert Spencer : a 
 paper on Drink, by a distinguished drunkard — 
 say Jane Cakebread.' 
 
 ' But Rameses is a King,' Tom remarked. 
 
152 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 * And with a title, you know — well, what editor 
 of a review can ever withstand a title ? * 
 
 ' Quite right,' Charlie answered. ' I fear the 
 worst. We shall see it before long — " Ancient 
 Egyptian Policy," by His Double-Crowned 
 Majesty, King Rameses the Second ! ' 
 
CHAPTER XI 
 
 CIVILISATION 
 
 This slight un- 
 pleasantness cast 
 a temporary gloom 
 
 ><^ 
 
 over the whole 
 party. Rameses .>iw,/ 
 sat apart, mut- ''"-^/j 
 tering, * Bar- 
 barians!' to 
 himself many times over. He was evidently 
 very angry. For a moment it almost seemed as 
 if the battle of Waterloo was going to be fought 
 out between himself and Charlie. At last even 
 Olive felt bound to make a remonstrance. 
 
154 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 * We're not barbarians,' she cried petulantly ; 
 'and I'm sure you cnn't know anything about 
 it. Why, you're nothing at all yourself but an 
 ancient Egyptian ! ' 
 
 At this, Rameses bristled up. * What ! ' 
 he shrieked, growing redder in the face than 
 even before (for his natural complexion was the 
 fine brick-red you see given to Egyptians in 
 the coloured monuments). 'You venture to 
 use such terms as those to the Wearer of the 
 Double Crown, the Brother of the Sun, the 
 Lord of Upper and Lower Egypt ? Why, it's 
 very well known to all sensib^ ^eople that the 
 Middle Land where we Red M^:' dwell is the 
 only part of the world fitted by nature for 
 civilised people. Look at our soil, look at our 
 productions, look at our population, look at our 
 climate ! We inhabit the one temperate belt of 
 all this earth ; and in no other part can civilisa- 
 tion and culture ever develop themselves.' 
 
 ' Temperate ! ' Olive exclaimed, bursting 
 out into a laugh. *Oh, there you're quite 
 wrong! Egypt's part of the torrid zone. It 
 says so in my geography book.' 
 
 Rameses stared at her in mild surprise. 
 
CIVILISATION 155 
 
 * Ignorant daughter of the cold and barbaric 
 north,' he answered in a haughty voice, * com- 
 pelled to clothe yourself thickly in unbecoming 
 layers of woolly wraps so as to protect yourself 
 against the rigour of your inclement climate, 
 what on earth can you know about it? An 
 ancient Egyptian, surely, is the best authority 
 on ancient Egypt ! ' 
 
 * I've always understood,' Charlie broke in, 
 *that the best authorities were Germans and 
 Frenchmen, like Pruner Bey and Mariette ; 
 though I expect Flinders Petrie could give 
 them points and beat them, easy.' 
 
 * Unbecoming layers of woolly wraps, 
 indeed ! ' Olive burst out contemptuously. 
 ' He talks as if I were an Eskimo.' The 
 woman in her was aroused. She glanced down 
 at her frock. * And it was made,' she mur- 
 mured indignantly, * at Liberty's in Regent 
 Street!' 
 
 Rameses, however, still sulking, pursued his 
 own train of thought undisturbed. * It stands 
 to reason,' he continued warmly. 'Why, just 
 look at it this way ! South of us lies the 
 region of the Ethiopians, — so hot that labour 
 
156 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 in the open air is well-nigh impossible. North 
 of us lies the sea, beyond which dwell the 
 ugly white barbarians, clad in skins of wild 
 beasts — Germans, and Britons, and such-like ; 
 they inhabit countries so cold in winter that 
 snow covers the ground, and the rise of a 
 civilisation there is quite impossible. The 
 only civilised races that have ever arisen on 
 earth are ourselves, and, after us — of course at 
 an immense distance — the wretched, curly- 
 haired, fizzy-wigged Assyrians, whom one can 
 only call civilised on a comparative survey. 
 All the rest of the world is wholly inhabited by 
 outer barbarians.' 
 
 'That was so in your time,' Charlie ad- 
 mitted with a patronising air. ' But it isn't so 
 nowadays. After Egypt went smash, you 
 know, the Greeks became the most civilised 
 nation of antiquity, and then the Romans. 
 Ever since their time, civilisation has moved 
 steadily northward and westward, till now, the 
 most advanced and cultivated people in the 
 world are the English first of all (especially in 
 South Kensington), and after them the French, 
 the Germans, and the Americans.' 
 
CIVILISATION 157 
 
 Rameses gave a royal sneer. * Impossible!' 
 he answered. * You can't alter the character 
 and disposition of nations. Look the facts in 
 the face! The Red Race, which inhabits 
 Egypt, is the pink and flower of all humanity. 
 South of us come the blacks, in their sun-baked 
 Ethiopia — poor creatures unfitted both by 
 constitution and position ever to be anything 
 more than just slaves for us Egyptians. North 
 of us again come the whites, mere naked 
 savages, staining themselves blue with woad, 
 as you know very well is the case at this day 
 — my day, I mean — with most of your uncouth 
 fellow-countrymen in Britain, who are said to 
 eke out a miserable subsistence by eating acorns 
 and taking in one another's washing. Don't 
 talk nonsense to me ! I know all about these 
 things. Neither the countries nor the people 
 of north or south are adapted for civilisation. 
 They haven't the climate or the brains to do it. 
 Only in intermediate regions, like Egypt and 
 Assyria, with temperate winters and corn- 
 growing riverside plains, can great kingdoms 
 and great kings — of whom / am the flower — 
 ever arise and flourish.' 
 
158 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 * Brains ! ' Charlie exclaimed. * Brains ! 
 haven't the brains to do it ! There I venture 
 to say, Mr. Brother-in-law of the Moon, you're 
 altogether out of it. What country has ever 
 produced such magnificent specimens of thinkers 
 and reasoners as Newton and Darwin, and — 
 ahem — the one you now see before you ? No, 
 no, you're quite out of it. The boot, if I may 
 be allowed the expression, is on the other leg. 
 It is the north temperate zone — the zone of 
 corn and wine — the zone in which, to be 
 precise, London, and more especially South 
 Kensington, is situated' — I think I omitted 
 to mention that Charlie's Papa lived in South 
 Kensington — * which must always contribute 
 the chief elements of human civilisation. The 
 frozen north is too cold ; the torrid south is too 
 hot ; in England alone (with a few adjacent 
 countries) you get the conditions under which 
 Parliamentary Government, the Freedom of 
 the Press, Public Schools, the Great Show 
 
 at Olympia ' 
 
 ■ He paused for breath. The Greedy Boy 
 went on. ' The roast beef of Old England, 
 the best butter-scotch, the automatic machines 
 
CIVILISATION 159 
 
 at the Metropolitan railway stations, the Drury 
 Lane Pantomime, and the Christmas plum 
 pudding, can ever develop,' he cried, with 
 enthusiasm, rising to a climax. 
 
 'Besides,' Charlie went on, 'we are white 
 men. Now, all this that you say of the Red 
 Race is palpably absurd, because' — he hesitated 
 out of natural politeness — 'whenever we've 
 fought your countrymen, we've licked them 
 into smithereens, at Tel-el- Kebir and else- 
 where ; while it is generally allowed that even 
 the black man, as for example in the Soudan, 
 is a much more difficult enemy for British troops 
 to engage than any number of Egyptians.' 
 
 ' A day with Fuzzy-wuzzy on the rush Will 
 last a 'ealthy^ Tommy for a year,' Tom put in 
 parenthetically, quoting his favourite poem. 
 
 ' In short,' Charlie went on, growing tired 
 of the argument, ' it's universally admitted that, 
 mentally, morally, and physically, the white 
 man, and more particularly the Englishman ' — 
 he drew himself up as far as he could go — ' is 
 immensely superior to all the other races of the 
 world put together.' 
 
 (You may notice as a rule that when a man 
 
i6o TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 has no argument worth speaking of to offer 
 you, he almost always begins by saying, * It's 
 universally admitted.') 
 
 A brilliant idea struck Olive. * Don't you 
 think,' she said gently, * it may possibly be this 
 way ? that each nation believes its own climate, 
 and its own sort of position, the nicest in the 
 world .-^ and that at different times different 
 races — black men, or red men, or yellow men, 
 or white men — happen to live in countries 
 which just at that moment are best situated 
 for commerce, and ships, and so forth ? and 
 that they grow civilised accordingly ? ' 
 
 * Certainly no^ / '' Charlie answered, with 
 emphasis, repressing her sternly. (If once you 
 begin to let wo7nen reason about these things, 
 there's no knowing how you may upset the 
 very foundations of society.) * The white man 
 is, and always has been, the highest and most 
 intelligent type of human: y.' 
 
 ' Even when he dressed in woad and lived 
 upon acorns .'* ' Olive inquired, not yet fully 
 satisfied. 
 
 * Of course,' Charlie answered. (Nothing 
 daunted Charlie.) ' He was lying fallow, don't 
 
CIVILISATION 
 
 i6i 
 
 you see! He was lying fallow! As soon as 
 Julius Caesar came along, and set him thinking 
 about these things, why, he built South 
 
 HE DRESSED IN WOAD AND LIVED UPON ACORNS 
 
 Kensington, and produced at once the glorious 
 British Constitution.' 
 
 Still Olive had her doubts. *You may be 
 right,' she answered dubiously. ' But — if I 
 had lived in Rameses' time, do you know, I 
 almost think I should have been inclined to 
 
i62 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 believe much the same as Rameses. You 
 must remember, when he was alive, the 
 Egyptians and Assyrians were the only people 
 in the world who wore proper clothes, and 
 dressed and behaved like ladies and gentle- 
 men.' Which is always a strong point with 
 the female intelligence. 
 
 Just at that moment Tom jumped up ex- 
 citedly. While this abstract dispute as to 
 civilisation was in progress, they had almost 
 forgotten about the battle of Waterloo, though 
 tactical movements had been going on mean- 
 while on many sides all around them. But 
 now, Tom waved his hat in a sudden access 
 of patriotism. * Hooray ! ' he cried. * Hooray ! 
 Now we're going to have some fun ! Jerome 
 Bonaparte's division is on the march against 
 Hougomont! You'll see them attack the 
 chateau in a moment. Come here, Mr. Rameses, 
 and watch how British soldiers repel an assault! 
 You'll say we're civiliseij. when, you observe 
 the way we hack the enemy into little pieces ! ' 
 
 * I don't call that civilisation ! ' the Greedy 
 Boy interposed. ' Now, my Papa wanted to 
 show civilised lite to a Japanese visitor ; so 
 
CIVILISATION 163 
 
 he took him, of course, to a banquet at the 
 Mansion - House. Every time the Japanese 
 sipped his glass of champagne, he laid it down 
 and said, " I do like civilisation ! " That's my 
 idea of it.' 
 
 As he spoke, the party all rose at once, and 
 took up a commanding position on the site now 
 occupied by the Waterloo Lion. Rameses 
 watched the movements of the troops with 
 considerable interest. ' I'm a strategist myself, 
 you know,' he said confidentially to Charlie ; 
 ' I've commanded the ever-unconquered Egyp- 
 tian troops in several important battles ; and I 
 naturally want to see how these barbarians 
 manage things. Even barbarians, remember, 
 are often splendid fighters. They may give 
 one hints as to the arrangement of one's forces.' 
 
 ' r^n interested in military matters too,' 
 Charlie answered, taking no notice of his 
 insult. * I'm lance-corporal in our cadet- 
 corps ; so of course I wish to improve my 
 knowledge of tactics. And I agree with you 
 that Wellington may possibly teach us a few 
 small details.' 
 
 *Oh, it's all very well iox you to talk,' Tom 
 
i64 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 exclaimed to Rameses. ' While your army 
 was being lead on to death or victory by Dick 
 Deadeye, you stopped behind and skulked, 
 "for strategic reasons" indeed, looking after 
 the commissariat ! But you won't find the Iron 
 Duke behaving in that way. //e7^ wake you 
 up, I promise you. He'll dash into the thick 
 of the fight, where the balls whiz fastest, with 
 his sword in one hand and his pistol in the 
 other, and he'll mow the Frenchmen down just 
 as if fkey were grass, and /te were a mowing- 
 machine. He'll be spattered with blood from 
 head to foot ! You'll see something like 
 civilisation ! ' 
 
 'Which ts the Iron Duke ?' Olive inquired, 
 looking eagerly forward. 
 
 'Why, the man on horseback over yonder, 
 in general's clothes,' Tom answered. 'Don't 
 you see — near the hedge there — with the com- 
 manding nose. Now, he's giving orders for 
 the attack. Oh, Olive, ain't it ripping ? ' 
 
 But Olive was disappointed. ' What, him ! ' 
 she cried. ' Over there ! Why, he's not iron 
 at all ! He's flesh and blood and clothes, just 
 like all the rest of us ! ' 
 
CIVILISATION 165 
 
 'Hush, hush,' Charlie said, examining the 
 field with care. ' Don't disturb my observa- 
 tions. Now the French advance-guard is going 
 to storm Hougomont.' 
 
 / 
 
CHAPTER XII 
 
 CIVILISATION IN ACTION 
 
 * Where had we better place ourselves ? ' Olive 
 asked, looking around the field anxiously. 
 
 •/ shall sit here,' Charlie said, 'and watch 
 all the battle. This is a commanding situation, 
 and with my technical knowledge as a volunteer 
 I may be able to correct some historical errors 
 due to the heat of the moment in the actual 
 combatants.' He took out his note-book osten- 
 tatiously. * We must be correct above every- 
 thing,' he went on, consulting his watch. ' Ha ! 
 seventeen minutes to ten ; and Reille's corps 
 darmde is just flinging itself upon Hougomont! ' 
 
 * For my part,' Tom said, ' I shall follow the 
 Iron Duke. Hes sure to be always in the 
 thick of the fighting.' 
 
 He took up his post at Wellington's right 
 hand. The Duke hardly seemed to notice him 
 
CIVILISATION IN ACTION 167 
 
 — a fact which I attribute in the main to his 
 attention being distracted by the necessity for 
 keeping a constant eye on right, left, and 
 centre. Tom looked down upon the field 
 from the great general's side. All the plain 
 was now seething. The French were moving 
 forward on the Duke's picked troops. Seventy- 
 two pieces of artillery were belching and roaring 
 in full blast ; while under their protection the 
 whole of Erlon's corps and a part of Kellerman's 
 cavalry were advancing, helter-skelter, but in 
 good line throughout, bristling in columns of 
 attack, on the heights which the Allied Army 
 occupied. The march presented a magnificent 
 but terrible spectacle. Charlie's intimate know- 
 ledge of tactics led him to recognise their object 
 —which was, to break through the centre of the 
 British line, and attack the left wing from the 
 rear, as soon as they had broken it. Tom 
 wished he had an opera-glass. For just at the 
 moment when Ney was about to advance, it 
 was clear that Napoleon saw some subtle 
 reason for delaying the attack ; since the 
 French of a sudden drew away and hesitated. 
 * Now Wellington will dash on them ! ' Tom 
 
1 68 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 cried. But, to his immense astonishment, 
 Wellington did nothing of the sort. He 
 continued to sit his horse, well in the rear 
 of the actual fighting, while he gave short 
 orders in a curt voice to aides-de-camp, who 
 kept riding off in haste in different directions. 
 ' He looks for all the world,' Tom exclaimed, 
 disgusted, * not like a general, but like a gentle- 
 man directing his workmen when they're plant- 
 ing out copses.' 
 
 Then the battle grew hotter. Picton's 
 division rushed forward, and engaged the 
 French in a struggle of short but incredible 
 fierceness. The British charge was irresistible; 
 in a few minutes the French assailants were 
 driven back from their position, totally dis- 
 comfited. The Duke, who was watching the 
 episode through his opera-glasses, observed to 
 a man at his side, ' That's bad ! They've 
 killed Picton ! ' Tom felt sure that now at 
 last the Duke himself would rush in, and begin 
 slaying his thousands. But he did nothing of 
 the sort ; he slew nobody at all : he merely 
 pencilled a few words on a scrap of paper, and 
 handed them to an aide-de-camp. 
 
CIVILISATION IN ACTION 
 
 169 
 
 * Why, he's as bad as Rameses ! ' Tom ex- 
 claimed in disgust. ' I do believe he never 
 
 ,c-^, 
 
 ' they've killed picton ! ' 
 
 means to go in and smash 'em himself at all. 
 He's just going to sit here and watch the thing 
 from his horse at a safe distance.' 
 
 'That's a general's work,' Charlie answered, 
 
I70 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 with an air of superior knowledge. ' He leaves 
 the actual cutting about to the common soldiers, 
 you know. His task is the harder one of 
 mental effort.' 
 
 Charlie said this with dignity, for he rather 
 thought himself, as soon as he left school, of 
 setting out on his career as a successful 
 general. 
 
 Just at that moment an aide-de-cavip hap- 
 pened to pass by. ' Hullo, boy,' he said 
 kindly, ' do you want to see some good fighting 
 at close quarters? If so, it's no use sticking 
 here by the Duke. You must go off there to 
 Hougomont, where the Coldstreams are be- 
 having like British lions. I never saw finer 
 work ! Cut along and help them ! ' 
 
 Tom wanted no better advice. He was 
 sick of strategy. He seized Olive's hand, tore 
 across the intermediate space (rushing right 
 through several battalions of Frenchmen mean- 
 while) and flung himself bodily in the very 
 nick of time into the chateau of Hougomont. 
 
 Olive was quite out of breath with the im- 
 petuosity of his run, and terrified at the battle. 
 
 'Oh, Tom,' she cried, 'how dreadful! I 
 
CIVILISATION IN ACTION 
 
 171 
 
 can't see anything for the smoke, and the noise 
 of the guns all about is just deafening.' 
 
 And indeed the howitzers within the hastily 
 barricaded little fort were pouring a deadly 
 
 TOM SEIZED olive's HAND AND TORE ACROSS. 
 
 shower of shot and shell at the heads of the 
 assailants. 
 
 Nevertheless, Tom could see through the 
 smoke that the French were attacking, time 
 after time, with impetuous bravery. They 
 showed none of that cowardice which he had 
 been led to expect every Frenchman must 
 
172 TOM, UNLIMITED , 
 
 exhibit when confronted in fight by one-third 
 of an Englishman. On the contrary, though 
 repulsed each time with terrific loss, they 
 flung themselves again and again against the 
 walls of the ruinous chateau as if they rather 
 liked being shattered into pieces by fragments 
 of shell than otherwise. At one critical 
 moment, indeed, the skirmishers were almost 
 successful in capturing by one dash this im- 
 portant post. They had forced their way up 
 to the principal gate of the building, which 
 was insufficiently barricaded ; and, rushing at 
 it in dense crowds, they actually succeeded 
 once in bursting it open. The Guards charged 
 them with their bayonets. Stormed at with 
 shot and shell, hacked down by the Cold- 
 streams, the French still continued to rush in, 
 with undiminished force, like water through a 
 lock when it begins to open. A fearful struggle 
 ensued, Olive clapped her hands to her ears, 
 shut her eyes very tight, and sat down in a 
 corner, unable to look at it. Tom, pale with 
 excitement, picked out at once the real hero of 
 the scene, a trooper named Bill Jenkins. Rising 
 to the occasion, Jenkins seized the gate in 
 
CIVILISATION IN ACTION 
 
 173 
 
 OLIVE SHUT HER EYES TIGHT. 
 
 his hand, and, sup- 
 ported by Colonel 
 Macdonnel, Ser- 
 geant Graham, 
 and others, suc- 
 ceeded, by dint of 
 sheer strength and 
 courage, in closing 
 it by main force 
 in the face of the 
 enemy. Tom 
 could not resist 
 the manifestation of his delight. He burst out 
 into loud applause. ' None of your Wellingtons 
 for me!' he cried. 'Bill Jenkins is the sort! 
 He's the man for my money.' 
 
 But as Tom's money consisted entirely of 
 fourpence in a tin savings-bank at home, Bill 
 Jenkins did not largely profit by his generosity. 
 
 'Do let's go away!' Olive begged. 'It's 
 so horrible, all this fighting ! * 
 
 • I'll tell you what you can do,' Tom ex- 
 claimed, seized by a happy thought. ' Go into 
 a neighbouring year. Make it 1830, when 
 there's nothing particular going on. Then 
 
174 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 we can both be together, but you needn't see 
 anything at all of the battle. Girls somehow 
 don't like it' ' 
 
 This was such an excellent idea that Olive 
 immediately adopted it ; and in a minute's 
 time she was wandering about quietly under 
 the horses' hoofs (which she never even saw), 
 gathering flowers on the same spot where 
 Tom, on the plain of fifteen years earlier, 
 beheld battalions meeting in smoke and flame, 
 and killing one another liberally. 
 
 As for Tom, he wasn't going to be done 
 out of a moment of the fighting. He made 
 up his mind to remain at Hougomont, where 
 there was more * fun ' from his point of view 
 than anywhere else on the battlefield. He 
 was not disappointed. At last he saw some- 
 thing like real hand-to-hand fighting — none 
 of your Wellingtons and Rameseses, none of 
 your 'strategic' rubbish, but good downright 
 tussles, like a * bully ' at football. The French 
 made a vehement assault on the back-gate of 
 the crazy little fortress. The barricades began 
 to yield ; if that post were carried, it was all 
 up with the defenders ! Macdonnel turned on 
 
CIVILISATION IN ACTION 175 
 
 all his fire from the loop-holes. But still the 
 French swarmed on with incredible bravery. 
 Tom forgot the question had been settled once 
 for all long ago, and really began to fear 
 Napoleon would be victorious. At the same 
 moment a shell from one of the small French 
 batteries set the place on fire. 'It's all up 
 now,' Tom thought. 'The English will lose, 
 — and Napoleon will be crowned in Westminster 
 Abbey!' , 
 
 But even as the flames glared and hissed 
 around him., Tom saw a minute later that Bill 
 Jenkins and Sergeant Graham, those truly 
 great soldiers, were equal to the occasion. 
 Bill extinguished the flames at the risk of his 
 life, burning his hands severely as he did so, 
 and then rushed upon the enemy with daundess 
 courage, killing, not it is true, his thousands, 
 but a good three or four of them ; and Tom by 
 this time was aware that three or four dead 
 men make a very fair average. Graham mean- 
 while, who had been strengthening the barri- 
 cades with several others of his corps, suddenly 
 asked leave of the colonel to absent himself for 
 a moment. Almost before Tom could tell 
 
176 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 what was happening, the gallant sergeant had 
 rushed out into a blazing shed, disappeared 
 
 fA'f 
 
 '. " «' • ■ ■■ 
 
 .••••»•, • •..•••'.«•*• V 
 
 BEARING IN HIS ARMS HIS WOUNDED BROTHER. 
 
 through the flames, and returned, bearing in 
 his arms the half-lifeless body of his wounded 
 brother, whom he laid down at once in a place 
 
CIVILISATION IN ACTION 177 
 
 of safety, and then went on with his work of 
 patching up the barricade as if nothing had 
 happened. ' That's the sort of thing for me ! ' 
 Tom cried, patting him warmly on the back, 
 just as he was accustomed to do with the 
 fellows at school when they made a good 
 innings. ' None of your Wellingtons, say I, 
 with their strategy and their commissariat! 
 Give me Bill Jenkins and Sergeant Graham ! 
 They're the right sort of heroes ! ' 
 
 Even as he spoke, a French grenadier's 
 head appeared looming above the wall. Tom 
 saw what was happening. The French were 
 scaling the fortress. Captain Wyndham, who 
 stood close by, shouted aloud to Graham, * Hi, 
 do you see that fellow } ' Quick as lightning, 
 Graham snatched up his musket, which lay 
 idle by his side, took aim, and shot the fellow 
 dead. 'You have saved the place!' Tom 
 cried. 'It's the first man that tells! If any 
 more of 'em come, we'll know what to do with 
 em I 
 
 At the same time, he felt bitterly that these 
 were only words ; for, as a matter of fact, he 
 could do nothing at all, being in a different 
 
 N 
 
1 78 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 decade ; and it made him feel very queer when 
 the bullets whizzed through him, and passed 
 out at the other side without doing any harm ; 
 though to be sure he reflected that it was just 
 the same thing as visiting the field sixty or 
 seventy years later, and remembering that the 
 bullets had once gone whizzing there. Which, 
 in point of fact, allowing for the peculiarities of 
 the world beyond the gates, is what was really 
 happening. 
 
 However, he had no time just then to pursue 
 these ideas, for Bill Jenkins was now busy 
 hacking down Frenchmen at the portal in a 
 way that surpassed all his previous achieve- 
 ments. Tom gazed at him in astonishment. 
 * Only Englishmen,' he exclaimed at last, 
 *can ever fight like this!' Though to be 
 sure the Frenchmen outside were fighting like 
 wild-cats, too, and he couldn't help recognising 
 that their impetuous assault was in its own way 
 just as much a marvel of courage as the defence 
 of the Englishmen. 
 
/-, 
 
 CHAPTER XIII 
 
 THE HERO OF WATERLOO 
 
 The words were scarcely out of his mouth, 
 indeed, when an aide-de-camp passed by — the 
 same who had first directed his attention to 
 Hougomont. He had circumvented the 
 French, and just made his way into the fort 
 by the rear, with the assistance of some 
 Guards, bringing orders from headquarters. 
 * Only Englishmen ! ' he cried. ' My boy, 
 you should just see how the Prussians are 
 behaving at La Haye Sainte ! They're getting 
 licked, it's true ; but they're fighting like demons. 
 Such courage I never beheld. You run over 
 there and look at them ! ' 
 
 Tom was startled by the suggestion that 
 any other nation could conceivably fight as well 
 as Englishmen — so much so that he set off as 
 hard as his legs could carry him, and never 
 
i8o ~ TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 once halted till he found himself safely at La 
 Haye Sainte, an isolated farmyard, in the 
 thick of a most terrific and savage meUe, 
 
 It was an appalling moment. Even Tom 
 began to perceive that fighting in the concrete 
 wasn't all amusement. The French were 
 attacking the hastily -fortified barn and farm- 
 house with the same reckless courage as they 
 had already shown at the chateau of Hougo- 
 mont ; while a detachment of the German 
 Legion were defending it against them with 
 equally stubborn valour. All at once, in the 
 midst of the terrible onset, the major in com- 
 mand gave the word, ' Fire ! ' 
 
 *We can't,' the soldiers answered. * No 
 more ammunition ! ' Even as they spoke, the 
 farmhouse burst suddenly into flames. It was 
 an awful moment. The defenders rushed up 
 and tried to put the blaze out with water from 
 their camp -kettles, several of them getting 
 horribly scorched in the process, and not a few 
 being stifled. * Keep back,' an officer cried. 
 'It's no use trying to put it out! We have 
 sent for ammunition.' But even the wounded 
 persisted in their efforts to hold the post, 
 
THE HERO OF WATERLOO 
 
 i8i 
 
 answering back, 'While our officers fight, and 
 we ourselves can stand, we will never sur- 
 render ! * One man in particular, whom his 
 
 
 TRIED TO PUT THE BLAZE OUT. 
 
 friends called Lindau, had two terrible wounds 
 in the head which gave Tom himself the 
 shivers, and which Olive could not for a 
 moment have endured to look at. Never- 
 theless, he kept on standing at a side-door 
 
i82 . TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 of the barn, and fired continuously at the 
 French, who were attacking the main entrance. 
 His bandages did not stop the profuse bleed- 
 ing from his wounds, yet the brave fellow stood 
 there unmoved, taking aim as steadily as if 
 nothing were the matter with him. 
 
 *Come in here and lie down/ the officer 
 cried. 
 
 * No,' Lindau answered ; * he would be a 
 coward who would lie down on such a day 
 while his head was on his shoulders.* 
 
 It struck Tom with astonishment to find 
 that these mere foreigners were fighting quite 
 as bravely for their country as the Englishmen, 
 and that even the enemy themselves were 
 returning to the attack, in spite of constant 
 repulses, with indomitable courage. 
 
 He had hardly time to notice in the heat of 
 the attack, however, that though the men spoke 
 German he could understand them perfectly. 
 But so many odd things had happened to them 
 all since they passed the Ivory Gate that he 
 would not have been surprised at it, even if he 
 had noticed it. 
 
 While he stood there, wavering, he was 
 
THE HERO OF WATERLOO 183 
 
 aware all at once that the French cannonade 
 was growing each moment fiercer and fiercer. 
 Looking out through a loophole in the side of 
 the barn, he could see that two fresh columns 
 were advancing c_,ainst them. Once more the 
 barn caught fire, and once more the gallant 
 Prussians put it out, under a heavy fusillade 
 from the French assailants. A little more 
 ammunition had arrived, but it was now used 
 up : and though the Prussians fought like tigers, 
 with their bayonets and muskets, Tom saw in 
 a minute things were growing pretty desperate 
 with them. No courage on earth can ensure 
 a victory against superior numbers. The 
 enemy crowded up, now relieved from all fear 
 of firing, and broke the big door open. Even 
 so, however, the Prussians held out, bayonet- 
 ing all who entered, till the men behind, seeing 
 the pile of corpses, were afraid to advance any 
 further. So they clambered up on the roof, 
 swarming on top like ants, and firing down 
 through holes in the thatch upon the defence- 
 less defenders within, who of course were 
 unable to reach them with their bayonets. 
 Human nature could not stand out against 
 
i84 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 such enormous odds. The German commander 
 threw up his arms in despair. * Retire to the 
 garden ! ' he cried. And the men, still in good 
 order, retired to the back premises, and then 
 retreated precipitately. 
 
 Tom, having nothing to fear, stopped be- 
 hind, and saw the Frenchmen enter. Several 
 of the Germans stopped behind too, though 
 involuntarily, being cut off in their retreat, or 
 delayed by their wounds ; and then began a 
 hideous massacre which even Tom himself 
 could not endure to look at. He shut his eyes, 
 horrified ; but still he could hear the frightful 
 shrieks of the wounded and the dying. For a 
 minute or two, he felt sure that history must 
 have been falsified, and that the French had 
 won the battle of Waterloo. Then, as in a 
 haze, it began to dawn upon him ivJiy Well- 
 ington had to station himself in a commanding 
 position at the centre, and hold aloof all day 
 from the actual tussles. A battle is not one 
 episode. The French had won at La Haye 
 Sainte, utterly dispersing the brave remnant 
 of the German Legion that held it. But they 
 were not winning all along the line. Tom 
 
THE HERO OF WATERLOO 185 
 
 could see from where he stood that Hougomont 
 still held out, and, lifting his eyes, he noticed 
 that Blucher's division, almost too tired to march, 
 was still steadily advancing. Now, he saw the 
 need of an organising head. But it was only 
 for one moment. A second later, he felt again 
 in his heart that Wellington was a fraud, and 
 that the heroes of the day were Bill Jenkins 
 and Lindau. 
 
 For you cannot put old heads on young 
 shoulders. And for my part, I can't imagine 
 why on earth you should wish to do so. 
 
 This last episode, however, gave Tom for 
 the time a certain sickening of bloodshed. He 
 didn't care for this pig -sticking — especially 
 when the pigs were his fellow-creatures. In 
 the intervals of the fight, it began to occur to 
 him that it was getting towards dinner-time. 
 After all, one must dine. So he reflected on 
 the desirability of returning to the others. 
 
 Looking out, rather sick at heart, from the 
 I big door of the barn, now occupied by the 
 
 I enemy, it happened that he perceived Olive 
 
 wandering quietly over the plain, regardless of 
 obstacles, and stooping down now and then 
 
i86 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 with a placid smile where the heaps of the 
 dead lay thickest. He ran over to her at 
 once. 'Why, what are you doing?' he ex- 
 claimed. She seemed to be busying herself 
 somehow with the corpses. 
 
 * Picking flowers,' Olive answered. * Look ! 
 Aren't they just lovely ? ' 
 
 Then he saw in a moment that Olive, 
 wandering over the field of battle some fifteen 
 years later, found the flowers growing thickest 
 where the carnage had been fiercest. Nothing 
 that he had seen since he came to Infinity 
 impressed Tom more than this. He was 
 aware for a passing flash of the nothingness 
 of time, and the strange tricks which it plays 
 upon our human intelligence. 
 
 * I'm getting tired of this place,' Olive went 
 on, throwing her flowers away petulantly. 
 * Let's go back to the others.' 
 
 Tom took her hand in his, and walked 
 across the plain with her, but in different years 
 — he still in 1815, she in 1830. 
 
 Presently, as they were moving towards the 
 spot where the other children sat, Olive 
 dropped his hand for a second, and made a 
 
THE HERO OF WATERLOO 
 
 187 
 
 curious side -turn for no particular apparent 
 reason. 
 
 fe 
 
 ^ 
 
 o'""» 
 
 'PICKING FLOWERS,' OLIVE ANSWERED. 
 
 * What are you doing that for ? ' Tom asked. 
 ' * To get out of the way of the monument,' 
 Olive answered. 
 
i88 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 * There isn't any monument,' Tom burst out. 
 
 ' Yes, there is,' Olive repHed. ' And it says 
 in the inscription that it's erected to the memory 
 of Colonel Gordon, who fell here.' 
 
 And in point of fact, before Tom's very 
 eyes, there the body of an English officer of 
 high rank was lying. 
 
 'You needn't have turned out for it, though,' 
 Tom went on. * It must have been put up 
 later. Still, you could have walked through it. 
 We can walk through everything here.' And 
 he paused for a second, thinking. 
 
 ' I suppose I could,' Olive observed. * But j^ 
 
 then, I didn't just happen to think of it. One's 
 so accustomed to turning out of the way for 
 such things every day that one forgets they're 
 not real, and that one can walk right through 
 them. You know, you dodged the cannon- 
 balls yourself, just at first. You couldn't get 
 used to them.* ' 
 
 Even as she spoke, one whizzed rapidly 
 right through him. It made Tom jump in 
 alarm. He recognised that it was impossible / 
 to get over in a day those deep-seated con- 
 ceptions of space and time which one has \ 
 
THE HERO OF WATEELOO 189 
 
 formed from infancy — if not before it ; for 
 Charlie informed him that many great philo- 
 sophers (whose names Tom had taken special 
 care to forget) believed that we inherited our 
 ideas on these points ready-made from our 
 ancestors. 
 
 As he walked across the plain, however, he 
 felt weirdly aware in some strange dim way 
 that he was really walking through primaeval 
 forest and through Roman walls ; through 
 mediaeval castles and through modern gardens ; 
 nay more, through buildings and objects whose 
 very name he knew not, but destined to stand 
 there in far future ages. 
 
 • I really don't know how far this momentary 
 reaction from the excitement and bloodshed 
 of the battle might have carried him, if he had 
 not just that second happened to knock up by 
 accident against Charlie. And if anything on 
 earth is calculated to cure you of the bad habit 
 of philosophising, it is to find yourself in close 
 company with a prig who is given to that 
 odious and irrational practice. 
 
 * Oh, there you are ! ' Charlie cried. ' Well, 
 and what do you think of it .'*' 
 
iQo TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 ' I think,' Tom answered boldly, relapsing 
 at once into his primitive barbarity, * that 
 Wellington is a vastly overrated person, and 
 that the battle of Waterloo was really won by 
 Sergeant Grahan\ Friedrich Lindau, and Bill 
 Jenkins! ' 
 
 ' You forget,' Charlie remarked, with a 
 superior smile, ' that this is in effect a question 
 of strategy.' 
 
 He said it in such a voice that Tom would 
 have liked to kick him. But he refrained with 
 difficulty, reflecting that on the day of Waterloo 
 at least, no true-born Englishman could turn 
 his hand (or his foot) in bad blood against 
 another. 
 
 'The question is,' the Greedy Boy put in, 
 ' shall we stop and sit it out, — or shall we go 
 home to supper ? ' 
 
 * Why, it sounds exactly as if one were at 
 the Pantomime,' Olive murmured, half laugh- 
 ing. 
 
 'In ;;/j/ opinion,' Charlie said, 'the piece is 
 quite too long. Remember, the battle isn't 
 half over yet. To sit it out is to waste the 
 best part of another day on it. If we want to 
 
THE HERO OF WATERLOO 191 
 
 see the end, why not wish ourselves there, and 
 then be done with it? ' 
 
 'Agreed,' Tom cried. And even Olive felt 
 she'd like to see the meeting of Wellington 
 and Blucher. They had a print of the scene 
 at home in the dining-room. 
 
 Next instant, it was before them. 
 
 'Why, it's not half as impressive as the 
 picture ! ' Tom exclaimed, once more dis- 
 appointed. 
 
 'That's art,' Charlie answered. He grew 
 more priggish than ever, as everybody does 
 who approaches these questions. ' It is the 
 business of art to improve on nature. The 
 Duke's clothes, you observe, for instance, are 
 not in real life what the artist would wish 
 them. So he alters and improves them. The 
 horses are as hot as Miss Wilhelmina Carolina 
 Amelia Skeggs. So the artist suppresses that 
 unpicturesque detail. You must allow thus 
 much to art. Its object is, to make an im- 
 pressive picture. If you are disappointed with 
 the reality, why, that only shows that art has 
 in so far succeeded.' 
 
 'I see,' Tom answered. 'The less like life 
 
192 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 the thing is, the better it is as a picture. 
 Though I don't think I should have found it 
 out if you hadn't told me.' 
 
 There was a moment's pause. Then Tom 
 turned again to Charlie. ' Well,' he said 
 triumphantly. * We've seen the battle of 
 Waterloo after all ! Didn't I tell you the fellow 
 who's writing this book could do it .'* ' 
 
 * Still, I stick to what I said,' Charlie 
 answered. * My belief is, that he's cribbed it 
 every word out of Vanity Fair and Baedeker's 
 Belgium! (And indeed, I agree with him.) 
 
 * Does your Excellency mean to publish your 
 Excellency's valuable notes on the progress of 
 the battle ? ' the Chief Chamberlain asked, 
 fawning. He was most respectful to Charlie, 
 whom he imagined, from the airs and graces 
 he gave himself, to be at the very least a 
 prince of the blood-royal of England : and he 
 had no objection to a snug berth in Somerset 
 House, if Charlie chose to offer him one. 
 
 * Oh, certainly,' Charlie answered, looking 
 cockier than ever. * I flatter myself I've noted 
 all the strategic points with a coolness and 
 precision impossible in the case of the actual 
 
THE HERO OF WATERLOO 193 
 
 combatants. I shall improve a bit, I feel sure, 
 upon Alison's Europe and the Student's 
 England. I mean, when I get home, to write 
 a summary of the proceedings.' 
 
 •A SUMMARY, MY CHILD, IS A CONDENSED SYNOPSIS.' 
 
 * What is a summary .? ' Olive asked in her 
 innocent way. 
 
 Charlie paused for a moment : he waited to 
 think how he could best bring down his lofty 
 mind to her inferior level. 'A summary, my 
 child,' he answered, at last, after due delibera- 
 tion, *is a condensed synopsis.' 
 
CHAPTER XIV 
 
 PEACE AT ANY PRICE 
 
 They gazed down from their hillock upon the 
 reeking plain, strewn with thousands of corpses, 
 and on the British artillery, still vomiting its 
 red fire, and dealing out wild slaughter. 
 
 Tom turned proudly to Rameses. * There, 
 old pasty-face,' he exclaimed with a patriotic 
 thrill : * how's that for civilisation ? ' 
 
 He had appealed to a side of our modern 
 culture which the Egyptian monarch could 
 thoroughly understand and sympathetically 
 appreciate. ' 1 must admit,' the bland king 
 said humbly, ' that your engines of war are of 
 a sort which even the Ever- Victorious Army 
 did not know or make use of. You have slain 
 thousands more than my utmost fancy could 
 ever have anticipated.' 
 
PEACE AT ANY PRICE 
 
 195 
 
 ' I Void you,' Tom said with a burst, ' we 
 were thoroughly civilised.' 
 
 TOM TURNED PROUDLY TO R AMESES. 
 
 'Do you think,' Olive asked, 'the more 
 men you can kill, the more civilised you are 
 
 Tom?' :,.... :..,--,^r..^r^,^_...u... 
 
196 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 Tom refused to be drawn. 'Girls don't 
 understand politics,' was all he would answer. 
 
 ' For my part,' Olive went on, ' I'm a peace- 
 at-any-price woman. — Don't push me like that, 
 Tom, you naughty boy ! If you do it again, I 
 shall hit you a good hard smack.' 
 
 'I thought,' Tom retorted, 'you were a 
 peace-at-any-price woman ! ' 
 
 ♦So I am, when I'm left alone,' Olive 
 answered with spirit; 'but not when other 
 people knock up against me.' 
 
 ♦ Quite so,' Rameses mused ; * we're all 
 peace-at-any-price men, — as long as nobody 
 attacks us. Or at least, as long as everybody 
 lets us go our own way, and doesn't interfere 
 with us. I have been a good bit of a fighter 
 in my time myself: but if everybody had 
 always done as I wished about everything, I 
 never would have fought them. It's being 
 contrariated and thwarted that makes one want 
 to fight. As long as I get all I want, I'm a 
 most placable sovereign : I love to live at peace 
 with all men.' 
 
 ♦ Just like all the rest of us,' Tom interrupted 
 rudely. 
 
PEACE AT ANY PRICE 197 
 
 ' How about this late war of yours though, 
 King?' the Chief Chamberlain interposed (for- 
 getting that it occurred a hundred years after 
 his own death). ' Your Sublime Starriness 
 must surely remember that my august Master, 
 the Lion of Asshur and Descendant of Ninus, 
 only desired to preserve his immemorial right 
 to the strip of land ' 
 
 * There! That's just a case in point,' 
 Rameses cried, turning demonstratively to Tom. 
 ' See how people provoke me ! That vile toad 
 and reptile, the so-called King of Assyria, — a 
 miserable, skulking lizard, who haunts the 
 banks of the Euphrates or the Tigris — I'm 
 sure I don't know which — or don't care either — 
 and suns himself on the sandbanks when none 
 of my officers happens to be looking — that 
 creature had the presumption to pretend — I 
 mean to say, the presumptuousness — that a 
 strip of land, nearly as broad as the palm of 
 your hand, on the frontiers of my vast and 
 world-wide dominions, had once belonged in 
 fee-simple to his paltry great-great-grandfather; 
 and on this ridiculous plea, he endeavoured to 
 plant his own rag of a standard on soil that had 
 
198 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 always undoubtedly belonged to the Double 
 Crown and the Imperial Half Sovereign. Of 
 course, I'm not the kind of man to stand that 
 sort of thing with impunity. '' Fll larn him to 
 be a toad ! " I said ; and, as you saw just now, 
 with the aid of my faithful ally, Dick Deadeye, 
 I invaded his domains, scattered his forces to 
 the four winds of heaven, and gave him one in 
 his eye to put that in his pipe and smoke it.' 
 
 * Your Majesty's metaphors are getting a 
 trifle mixed,' Charlie ventured to suggest. 
 
 But Rameses' blood was up, and he brooked 
 no interruption. *So you see,' he went on, 
 ' I'm really a man of peace. I don't want to 
 
 fight ; but by jingo, when I do ' he slapped 
 
 his thigh with emphasis. ' Though, of course,' 
 he added after a pause, ' I'm not one of your 
 nasty, vindictive tempers ; I'm magnanimous to 
 my enemies. After I had beaten these miser- 
 able Assyrian tadpoles into what I will venture 
 to describe as a cocked hat, I did nothing wors^ 
 to my prisoners than just flay them alive, and 
 pour pepper on to the wounds to make them 
 smart a little.' 
 
 'Ah,' Tom exclaimed, with patriotic pride: 
 
••/--• 
 
 PEACE AT ANY PRICE 199 
 
 *we English are much nobler in our treatment 
 of the conquered than that. We only mean to 
 send Napoleon to St. Helena — which I'm 
 given to understand is, taking it all round, a 
 charmingly wholesome tropical residence. But 
 then, of course, we're civilised Europeans.' 
 
 * Doesn't your Majesty think it just possible,' 
 the Chief Chamberlain began timidly, * that my 
 august Master, the Descendant of Ni ' 
 
 * No, I don't,' Rameses roared out testily, 
 not waiting to hear him. And the Chief 
 Chamberlain held his tongue. For he was a 
 wise man, and knew when to be silent. After 
 all, he reflected to himself, his august Master 
 had cast him off at last like a sucked orange ; 
 and he was quite prepared under the circum- 
 stances to take that snug berth at Somerset 
 House, or an appointment at Thebes, in ex- 
 change for his position as Regulator of Ballets 
 to the Great King at Nineveh. 
 
 ' Oh, do let's stop all this squabbling,' Olive 
 said, 'and begin to think about getting home 
 again.' She raised her voice to a tone of 
 command. ' I wish to be outside the Ivory 
 Gate once more ! Do you hear ? ' She 
 
200 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 paused and waited. 'Well, why ain't I 
 there ? ' she asked at last, a trifle astonished. 
 
 'You mean, "Why am I not?'" Charlie 
 corrected. 
 
 *Oh, don't bother about that!' Olive ex- 
 claimed. 'Aint is good enough for this 
 country. The funny thing of it all, though, 
 is this — every other time when we've wished 
 to be anywhere or in any period, we've found 
 ourselves there immediately.' 
 
 ' I think^ Charlie said, with the same studied 
 air of preternatural wisdom, ' the reason of it 
 must be this — all the other places we wished 
 to see were themselv s inside the Ivory Gate ; 
 but what you wish to see now is quite outside 
 it ; and in order to get there, we must probably 
 climb back again.' 
 
 Olive began to cry. ' And suppose we 
 can't find it ? ' she exclaimed. ' Do you think 
 we shall have to go on walking up and down 
 here for ever, never seeing our own Papa or 
 Mamma at all, but living among these beastly 
 Egyptians and Assyrians ? ' 
 
 *So I have always understood,' Rameses 
 answered very gravely. 'That's precisely 
 
PEACE AT ANY PRICE 
 
 20I 
 
 what I was told by the High Priest of 
 Heliopolis.' 
 
 ' And the Prophet of Adrammelech assured 
 me of the very same thing,' 
 the Chief Chamberlain 
 added, in his most impres- 
 sive voice. ' He expressly 
 explained to me that when 
 once you get caught in this 
 mysterious place, you must 
 wander about it for ever 
 and ever, till you find your 
 way back again by the very 
 same gate at which you 
 came in.' 
 
 'With nothing to eat 
 meanwhile ? ' the Greedy 
 Boy inquired pathetically. 
 
 The Chief Chamberlain 
 nodded assent. * Except 
 of course Assyrian and 
 Egyptian dates,' he added 
 after a pause. * And they, as you know, are 
 neither filling nor sustaining.' 
 
 'In that case,* the Greedy Boy said with 
 
 ' WITH NOTHING TO EAT ? ' 
 
202 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 emphasis, ' I think we ought to spend no more 
 valuable time on mere childish interest in 
 Battles of Waterloo and such History- Book 
 absurdities, but devote ourselves entirely to the 
 practical task of getting home to dinner.' 
 
 With all his faults, it must be admitted, the 
 Greedy Boy had the strong English gifts of 
 common sense and practicality. He also knew 
 which side of his bread was buttered. 
 
 Everybody agreed, except the Chiet 
 Chamberlain, who saw the chance of a post 
 at Somerset House thus slipping from under 
 his feet, and felt correspondingly compelled to 
 suck up to Rameses. 
 
 'Which way does the Ivory Gate lie?' 
 Olive asked, looking round her. 
 
 'The Ivory Gate lies all over the shop,' 
 Rameses answered with dignity. ' The Ivory 
 Gate always lies. In that, it resembles the 
 Sublime Porte. It lies like a Trojan, or one 
 of my own inscriptions.' 
 
 * Are you such an accomplished hand at it, 
 then .-* ' Charlie asked, with interest, always 
 ready to improve his somewhat limited ac- 
 quaintance with ancient Egyptian history. 
 
• PEACE AT ANY PRICE 203 
 
 Rameses looked up with pride. * I have 
 been described in print,' he answered, ' as the 
 prince of Hars.' 
 
 * I think,' OHve remarked, ' the Ivory Gate 
 lies over that way.' And she pointed with her 
 thumb in the direction of Brussels. 
 
 ' Hush, hush,' Charlie exclaimed, laying his 
 finger on her lip, *or the Belgian authorities 
 will be down upon you for libel.' 
 
 * Not a bit of it,' Tom answered. * It's not 
 that way at all. I've noted every twist and 
 turn we've made, and I feel sure the Ivory 
 Gate is rather about /iere.' And he waved his 
 hand towards Paris. 
 
 * I don't agree with either of you,' the 
 Greedy Boy said. * My idea is that we shall 
 reach our goal by going straight along this 
 line,' and he stuck out his fat fore-finger in the 
 direction of London, or, to be quite precise, of 
 the region about the Stock Exchange. 
 
 'When night comes on,' Charlie suggested, 
 * we might guide ourselves by means of the stars.' 
 
 * Exactly what I think,' the Greedy Boy 
 answered. * The Bull and the Bear would be 
 sure to lead us to it.' 
 
204 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 *Oh, this is dreadful,' Olive exclaimed. 
 . ' Must we go up and down for ever ' 
 
 'Just like Consols,' the Greedy Boy mur- 
 mured. 
 
 ' And never get any nearer it ? ' 
 
 Charlie brought his gigantic intellect to bear 
 upon the problem. 'We are in Infinity,' he 
 said wisely. 'Therefore, everywhere is any- 
 where. So we're at the Ivory Gate now. 
 Q.E.D. — Only, unfortunately, as often happens 
 with a proposition in Euclid, I can't see it.' 
 
 ' This abstract reasoning doesn't bring us 
 one inch nearer to our end than we ever were,' 
 the Greedy Boy interposed. ' Now, the pave- 
 ment about the Stock Exchange is clearly the 
 thing to make for. That at least is concrete.' 
 
 • * It isnt concrete,' Tom burst in. ' It's 
 asphalt, stupid.' 
 
 'My Papa knows best,' Charlie answered 
 with calm dignity : ' for he makes the con- 
 tract as alderman ; and aldermen are always 
 authorities on the concrete. So I vote we set 
 out at once for London. We can take the 
 train from Brussels, and go right through, 
 don't you know, by Ostend and Dover.' 
 
PEACE AT ANY PRICE 205 
 
 He said this because his Papa was interested 
 in Belgian Railways, and he didn't want them 
 to travel by the rival line, via Lille and 
 Calais. 
 
 * What nonsense ! ' Olive cried. ' We've 
 got no money. And besides,' she went on, * I 
 don't believe, even if we had, we can ever get 
 from this horrid country beyond the Ivory 
 Gate to anywhere real and sensible.' 
 
 ' I'm given to understand that's quite true,' 
 Rameses answered gravely. 
 
 * If only we had Deerfoot Joe, the Indian 
 Scout ! ' Tom exclaimed ; * hed soon help us 
 out of it. He'd put us through to London 
 before you could say Jack Robinson.' 
 
 * Even Sherlock Holmes would be some 
 good,' Charlie suggested with a sigh. * But, 
 then, I don't think the author would care to 
 bring him in, because it would look too much 
 like infringing Dr. Conan Doyle's copyright.' 
 
 ' Well, what are we to do } ' Olive asked. 
 
 * I think,' Tom answered, * we must just walk 
 and walk, straight ahead, along all possible 
 lines, till at last we come to it. If we walk 
 long enough, in every direction, we're sure to 
 
2o6 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 hit upon it. Though of course, we must 
 remember, we have to walk across Infinity.' 
 ' Would that take us long ? ' Olive asked. 
 
 * Eternity,' Tom answered. ' That's all. 
 And when you come to think of it, we have 
 eternity before us.' 
 
 ' Oh, Tom, how wicked ! ' Olive cried. 
 
 * I don't know why,' Tom replied. * But if 
 you prefer it, we'll say, lots of time. Oh, ever 
 so much time — from here till never.' 
 
 Which, when you come to think of it, is 
 what is called a distinction without a difference. 
 But it satisfied Olive's delicate sense of the 
 proprieties. 
 
 All of them moved, except Rameses. The 
 King sat a little apart, shaking his head 
 gravely, and murmuring to himself, * My poor, 
 poor Tih ! My dear lost Poet- Laureate ! ' 
 
 ' Why, what's the matter with Tih ? ' Tom 
 inquired. 
 
 * He's dead,' Rameses answered, giving way 
 to his griefs 
 
 * Yes, I know,' Tom replied. * But what's 
 the matter with him, besides being dead ? ' 
 
 * That's quite enough,' the King murmured. 
 
PEACE AT ANY PRICE 
 
 207 
 
 'Jiff 
 
 •he's dead,' rameses answered. 
 
 'Well, you're dead yourself, ages ago, if it 
 comes to that,' Tom objected bluntly. * So I 
 
2o8 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 don't see why you need bother about Tih. 
 Besides, you beheaded him.* 
 
 ' And now I feel my loss,' the King answered, 
 rising up, and putting himself slowly in motion. 
 * I want him to write an ode on the Battle of 
 Waterloo, pointing out the superiority of my 
 immortal campaigns to Napoleon's or Well- 
 ington's. But I cannot recall him. Let this be 
 a lesson to you, my dear young friend, never 
 to behead anybody^ however humble, unless 
 you're perfecdy sure you have no further use 
 for him.' 
 
CHAPTER XV 
 
 NO THOROUGHFARE 
 
 They started off vaguely, as Tom suggested, 
 to look round about Infinity for the Ivory 
 Gate, on the off-chance of coming to it. But 
 you know very well that, even in London 
 (which covers only a few square miles), if you 
 set out to look for anything without knowing 
 where it is, you never can find it, without 
 asking a policeman ; and it was a peculiarity of 
 the World Beyond the Ivory Gate that it had 
 no policemen. As Charlie remarked, he had 
 never seen a place in his life where public 
 security was so wholly neglected. You need 
 not be surprised, therefore, to learn that they 
 v/andered up and down for many minutes to- 
 gether, without getting apparently one inch 
 
 nearer their goal than they were when they 
 
 p 
 
2IO 
 
 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 Started. A needle in a bottle of hay was quite 
 easy compared with it. Olive began to grow 
 
 'JUST SEE WHAT YOU'VE GONE AND BEEN AND DONE!' 
 
 • ■ ■ ' .■■■-■ "■- , - / 
 
 peevish. Tom, in his anxiety to find some 
 practicable route, broke through a thicket in 
 one place, and tore his trousers. 
 
 ■^ 
 
NO THOROUGHFARE 211 
 
 'Oh, you wicked boy!' Olive cried. 'Just 
 see what you've gone and been and done ! 
 You ought to look where you're going. You 
 ought to walk round the bushes, instead of 
 rushing right through them.' 
 
 Tom was duly penitent. * I will do so in 
 future,' he answered humbly. 
 
 * But you ought to have done so before,' 
 Olive went on. * You're always so careless ! 
 And see how you've stained your coat with 
 great streaks of dust from the Ivory Gate 
 too ! ' 
 
 This put Tom's back up, after his sub- 
 missiveness. There's nothing a fellow hates 
 like being bullied and sat upon when he has 
 expressed what he considers a due amount 
 of penitence. * I said I should do so in 
 the future,' he answered in a huff. * I 
 ■ couldn't well promise to do so in the past, 
 could I ? ' 
 
 'The great philosopher Kant observes,' 
 Charlie put in sententiously, *that not even 
 omnipotence can make the past not have been 
 as it was ; — and I quite agree with him.* 
 
 * Lucky for Kant,' Tom answered. 
 
212 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 Charlie coloured up a little. To say the 
 truth, he was by no means sure whether it was 
 really Kant who had made this remark, or 
 some other philosopher ; for he had never read 
 him, of course ; but having once seen a quota- 
 tion from him in a magazine article, he had 
 always used his name ever since as a con- 
 venient vehicle for any philosophical remark he 
 happened to remember — just as we invariably 
 attribute good stories to Sheridan. For my 
 own part, I believe it was Aristotle who said it, 
 not Kant ; but I can't be certain, any more 
 than Charlie : for Aristode is not one of the 
 historical authorities whom I have used as 
 materials for the present volume. 
 
 Here Rameses intervened. Being an Egyp- 
 tian, the King was naturally fond of a meta- 
 physical argument. ' I'm not so sure of that,' 
 he said, as keenly as if he were a Scotchman. 
 * The future is every bit as certain, after all, as 
 the past ; if the one can be altered, then why 
 not the other ? ' 
 
 'From that it would follow,' Tom said, 'not 
 that one could alter the pas'c, but that one 
 couldfit alter the future.' 
 
NO THOROUGHFARE 213 
 
 'Which is ridiculous,' Olive said simply. 
 
 * I've wondered several times myself,' the 
 Greedy Boy remarked, 'during the last few 
 hours, whether the past couldnt be altered after 
 all, and whether the battle of Waterloo wasn't 
 going to be won in spite of everything by 
 Napoleon.' 
 
 * It looked like it at times,' Tom assented 
 with candour. 
 
 * For myself,' Charlie said, * I'm a deter- 
 minist.' (Charlie had looked now and then at 
 the Fortnightly Review, and had picked up 
 from it some phrases which no boy of his age 
 ought to know anything about. But then, 
 Charlie was a prig ; and whatever Charlie said, 
 it would have been equally priggish.) ' I'm a 
 determinist,' he repeated, looking about him as 
 if he wanted somebody to contradict him. * I 
 believe that everything follows as a matter of 
 course from adequate causes. If that is so, 
 the adequate causes must produce their effect. 
 There are no two ways about it. So that, as 
 Rameses justly observes, the future is really 
 every bit as certain and unalterable as the past 
 — only, we don't realise it.' 
 
214 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 * Quite so,' Rameses answered. ' That's the 
 mystery of Time. Take it in a broad view, 
 and there's no past and no future. Here's this 
 battle of Waterloo, for example ; to you, it's the 
 past ; to me, it's the remote and incalculable 
 future. You say, it can't be altered, because 
 it's already fought. / say, it can't be altered, 
 because it's already implicitly contained in all 
 its antecedents. But anyway, there it is, and, 
 past, present, or future, it's Wellington who 
 wins, and not Napoleon ! ' 
 
 * Hooray for the British lion ! ' Tom burst in 
 explosively. 
 
 But how about our free will ? ' the Greedy 
 Boy inquired. ' If I get a sixpence, I can 
 spend it en an ice, or on a packet of Everton 
 toffee, whichever I choose — both being equally 
 sixpence. I deliberate and reflect. At last, 
 I go for the toffee. While I've got the six- 
 pence, I can change my mind ; but once I've 
 bought the toffee, I've bought it, and there's 
 no undoing it.' 
 
 *You might get them to change it, if you 
 hadn't opened the packet, and you asked them 
 very nicely,' Olive suggested. But nobody 
 
NO THOROUGHFARE 215 
 
 A- 
 
 noticed her. The fact of the matter is, Olive's 
 mental grasp of these metaphysical problems 
 was a negative quantity. 
 
 * Oh, if you mean to go off on Fate and 
 Free Will,' Tom broke in, with reasonable 
 dissent, ' I'm over the hills and far away. 
 None of your hocus -pocussing with words for 
 me! I'm not going to discuss such rubbish as 
 that in the present century.' 
 
 * There isn't any money in it,' the Greedy 
 Boy admitted. 
 
 * These eternal problems of the human 
 
 mind ' Charlie began ; but Tom chucked a 
 
 piece of turf at him, and Charlie, in dodging 
 it, entirely forgot what he meant to say about 
 the eternal problems. 
 
 ' Don't let's involve ourselves in this vicious 
 round of Oriental fatalism,' the Greedy Boy 
 interposed. 'And don't let's chuck things at 
 one another : it isn't practical. Let's con- 
 centrate our attention on the quest of the 
 Ivory Gate, and the straight road home by the 
 Bank to dinner.' 
 
 'Why, here we are,' Olive exclaimed, *at 
 the place where all the world goes spinning 
 
2i6 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 round at once ; just look, that's Rome, and 
 there's Paris, and Constantinople ! ' 
 
 ' And here's San Francisco,' Tom cried. ' I 
 know it by the sea-lions.' 
 
 * San Francisco is on the Golden Gate,' 
 Charlie remarked, with his usual wide range 
 of cheap information ; ' but that won't help 
 us much. It's the Ivory Gate we want ; and 
 we can't do with the Golden one.' 
 
 * Oh, if that's San Francisco,' Rameses re- 
 marked, with a little contempt in his voice, ' / 
 shall trot off at once. Ta-ta, dear boys! I'm 
 on the move for Memphis ! ' 
 
 * Why so ? ' Charlie inquired, much surprised. 
 
 * Well, I'm afraid they'd try to catch me and 
 stick me in a museum,' Rameses answered. 
 
 'Why, you're in the British Museum 
 already, and have been for years,' Charlie 
 furst out, half laughing. 'We've been there 
 ourselves, and seen you.' 
 
 Rameses was not at all taken aback. * Ah, 
 that's one more result of this curious muddle 
 about past and future,' he answered. * It leads 
 one at every turn into most grotesque positions. 
 You see, to you, my death and embalming and 
 
NO THOROUGHFARE 217 
 
 mummification are all of them past ; and you say 
 - you've seen me at the British Museum. That's 
 all very well for you, no doubt, but it doesn't 
 satisfy me. Put yourself in my place. Suppose 
 somebody was to come to you, out of the 
 remote future, and tell you he knew all about 
 your life and death, and everything that 
 happened to you from the cradle to the grave, 
 would that relieve your anxiety about passing 
 troubles and passing dangers every day of your 
 life ? Not a bit of it ; not a bit of it. You'd 
 go on taking care of yourself just as much as 
 before, and guarding against calamities, or 
 hoping for happiness, which, in the course of 
 the universe, were never destined to come to 
 you.' 
 
 'That's true,' Charlie admitted. Then a 
 bright idea occurred to him. * Before we go 
 home,' he said, looking around him, * — now 
 that we're here, don't you know, — what do you 
 say to taking a look in upon the future ?' 
 
 * No, no ! ' all the others burst out unani- 
 mously. , 
 
 * Why not } ' Charlie inquired, surprised at 
 their concert. 
 
2i8 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 * Because,' Tom answered, * it's been over- 
 done already. We're all of us sick and tired 
 of these glimpses of the future. We know 
 nothing about the future ; and every fellow 
 who goes there, comes back and tells us a 
 different tale about it, — much worse, indeed, 
 than if it were Central Africa. Let's stick to 
 the past. There, we do know something, and 
 we can be sure that what we're seeing is 
 perfectly historical — like Rameses here, for 
 example.' 
 
 The King nodded assent, — as well as his 
 Double Crown would permit him. 
 
 */ don't want to go into the future,' Olive 
 said, * because I want to get home to my Papa 
 and Mamma, and be tucked up in my little 
 bed, and get away altogether from this horrid 
 country.' 
 
 ' That is the future,' Charlie remarked, with 
 a brilliant flash of truth. But as next minute 
 is the future in that restricted sense, and as 
 nothing is the present, nobody took any 
 notice. 
 
 'And I,' the Greedy Boy said, 'want to 
 return at once to my happy home, where we 
 
R AMESES LIFTED THE DOUBLE CROWN POLITELY. 
 
220 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 get on the whole the best cookery I know in 
 any house in London.' 
 
 'Wouldn't it be a good idea,' Charlie in- 
 quired, 'to go to the British Museum again, 
 just as we did before, when we called on 
 Rameses, and then take a 'bus home direct to 
 South Kensington ? ' 
 
 Rameses lifted the Double Crown politely 
 as Charlie spoke. ' Well, ta-ta again ! ' he said 
 cheerily. 'That won't suit my book. Good 
 morning, you chappies ! ' And he disappeared 
 as if by magic, leaving nothing at all but a 
 faint perfume of frankincense and sandalwood 
 behind him. 
 
 ' British Museum ! ' Charlie called out, in an 
 ' Open Sesame ' tone, as if he expected to get 
 there. But this time, they remained exactly 
 where they were. He might as well have 
 cried ' Hansom ! ' on the top of a Scotch moor, 
 for any good it did them. 
 
 ' I see it now,' Tom exclaimed. ' We can't 
 get to the British Museum, as we did before, 
 because now we want to use it as a means of 
 getting out of the Land Beyond the Ivory 
 Gate : and the Land won't part with us. 
 
NO THOROUGHFARE 
 
 221 
 
 We're in here, and here we must stick till we 
 come across it by accident. It's really most, 
 unfortunate.' 
 
 ' Oh, if you're all 
 of you down in the 
 dumps like this,' the 
 Chief Chamberlain 
 observed, gathering 
 up his robes coldly, 
 ' I don't think it's 
 much good my stop- 
 ping with you any 
 longer. I can see 
 distinctly now that 
 you haven't the 
 slightest influence ; 
 and to suppose that 
 a man who has held 
 such high positions 
 in his time as I have 
 is going to dawdle 
 around any longer dancing attendance on four 
 lost children of the remote future, who haven't 
 even got money enough to take them home 
 in a four-wheeler, is clearly ridiculous.' And 
 
 AN ASSYRIAN STRUT. 
 
222 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 without so much as a bow, he walked off in 
 high dudgeon, with an offended air and an 
 Assyrian strut, in the direction of Mesopotamia. 
 
 * Well, he might have said good-bye,' Olive 
 exclaimed. * He's a nastv rude man, and 
 doesn't know his manners. Why, Rameses 
 is a king ; and even Rameses took off his 
 Double Crown to us.' 
 
 * Courtiers are always like that,' Charlie 
 answered. * I've read of them in history. The 
 Chief Chamberlain behaves like all the rest of 
 them. He thinks we're down now, and he 
 won't have anything more, of course, to say to 
 US. When we were hand-in-glove with great 
 kings, and he thought he saw a chance of 
 feathering his own nest, he was only too glad 
 to suck up to us.' 
 
 'In my opinion,' the Greedy Boy said, 
 sinking down in despair, * we're lost — hopelessly 
 lost. We shall never get anything to eat any 
 more; and we shall die of starvation, unless 
 they send out an exploring expedition to hunt 
 us up — exactly the same as if we were Arctic 
 travellers.' 
 
'j^P v^ ^ P ;g>» 
 
 ^^= 
 
 A SPIDER AS BIG AS A HOUSK. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI 
 
 CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES 
 
 * Look here ! ' Charlie said suddenly. (He was 
 such a. clever boy !) * I think I've found a way 
 out. Clearly, the proper thing to do under 
 these painful circumstances is to submit to the 
 peculiar conditions of the world we're in, and 
 use them, as best we may, so as to get us out 
 of it. We might stand here waiting till London 
 happened to turn up, in the general revolution ; 
 
224 . ' TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 and then, we might avail ourselves of the 
 opportunity so offered, to take a train o; a cab 
 home, as the case may be. But then, we might 
 perhaps have to wait for some centuries before 
 London came round — it's so slow in moving : 
 and to go without dinner for some centuries at 
 a time is not only unwholesome but frequently 
 fatal. Now I've got an idea.' 
 'Trot it out,' Tom answered. 
 
 * You see,' Charlie went on, ' we are here in 
 Infinity.' 
 
 * We don't know that,' Tom replied. 'We 
 only guess it.' 
 
 'Well, anyhow,' Charlie continued, 'we're 
 here outside the realms of Space and Time ; 
 and we have abolished limitations. Clearly, 
 therefore, relative sizes need no longer exist 
 for us. Let's desire that relative sizes be 
 forthwith no more. Then distances will be 
 small enough, and we shall be big enough, to 
 get over as much ground as we choose at a 
 single step, you see.' / 
 
 ' Like the Giant with the Seven-leagued 
 Boots,' Tom interposed, grasping at it. 
 
 ' Oh, goodness gracious, what's that ? ' Olive 
 
CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES 225 
 
 exclaimed, shrinking away in terror, as some- 
 thing broke with a loud noise through the 
 forest close by. 
 
 ' Don't be afraid,' Tom answered. * It's 
 only a spider ! ' 
 
 And then, he guessed in a moment what awful 
 and incredible thing had happened. Charlie's 
 wish had taken effect as soon as it was uttered : 
 relative sizes were abolished ; and a spider as 
 big as a house was bearing down upon them. 
 
 Fortunately, it did not chance to notice 
 them. Tom saw why in a second. On some 
 trees close by — huge trees with the foliage and 
 fruit of brambles, but far larger than the 
 pictures he had seen in books of the gigantic 
 grove in Mariposa County, California — the 
 spider had spread a web, a geometrical web, of 
 colossal dimensions. It consisted of enormous 
 strands, as big as ship's cables, secured round 
 the branches by very tight sailor's knots, and 
 studded all over with great sticky globules of 
 some glue-like substance. The strands them- 
 selves were sticky too, so that rooks passing 
 by were caught in them and fixed there. It 
 wasn't the birds, however, that attracted the 
 
 Q ■■■■ .-.-"f - 
 
r 
 
 226 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 spider's attention away from the children, but 
 a more valuable piece of food. An elephant, 
 who had been straying in the neighbourhood 
 carelessly just before Charlie spoke, found 
 himself suddenly involved in this tremendous 
 labyrinth by the instantaneous abolition of 
 relative sizes, and was now entangled in the 
 web in the most helpless fashion. 
 
 His despair and rage, as he floundered, were 
 pitiable to behold. He stamped his great feet 
 in vain, and tried wildly to disentangle himself; 
 but the more he struggled, the more firmly did 
 he get involved in those terrible nooses. As 
 for the spider, she darted on him with a 
 horrible glee in her wicked great eyes. Pour- 
 ing forth fresh moist web from her spinnerets 
 as she went, she seized the elephant in her 
 claws, which had nails like a tiger's, and rolled 
 him rapidly round and round — over and under, 
 over and under — as Olive had seen other 
 spiders, one hundredth part her size, roll un- 
 happy bluebottles when they caught them on 
 the window. Tom had always thought it rather 
 fun to see the bluebottles caught; but now, 
 when the huge creature involved the elephant 
 
CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES 227 
 
 in her deadly coils, winding him round and 
 round in a web of thick ropes like ship's cables, 
 all slimy with glue, his heart turned sick at it. 
 The elephant, for his part, kicked and plunged 
 with his great clumsy legs and feet in vain ; 
 the spider, evidently wondering what new sort 
 of prey she had got, went on slowly envelop- 
 ing him in a dense white shroud, and beginning 
 to suck his blood with her murderous jaws 
 through a wound in his proboscis. 
 
 ' Oh, let's run away,' Olive cried, terror- 
 struck : and, yielding to their first impulse of 
 awe and distress, they ran off at full speed as 
 fast as their legs could carry them. 
 
 In another minute, however, they were 
 pulled up by a fresh and unexpected terror. 
 They were running as hard as they could through 
 what seemed to them all a dense jungle of 
 bamboos — though in reality it was nothing more 
 than the grass of the meadow in which they 
 had just been walking — when it occurred to 
 them all at once that, run as hard as they 
 could, they had scarcely yet got out of reach 
 of the gigantic spider's claws. Nor was that 
 all ; at the same second when the spider's legs 
 
228 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 seemed about to overwhelm them, a still more 
 gigantic animal broke upon them with a rush 
 through the jungle. It was running so fast 
 that Olive drew back in terror ; then she saw 
 it was a mouse, as big as five hippopotamuses, 
 with enormous whiskers, and the wildest con- 
 ceivable expression of countenance. 
 
 'Stand back!' Tom cried. 'Stand back! 
 It's going to tread upon you ! ' 
 
 And indeed, if they had not bolted rapidly 
 out of the creature's way, under shelter of a 
 huge dock leaf, it would have trodden them 
 under foot and reduced them to mere pulp 
 beneath its monstrous weight, as a horse does 
 a beetle. 
 
 Just then, what seemed a tiger ran in the 
 same direction out of the jungle hard by. It 
 was a natural-sized tiger, Olive thought, some- 
 what poorly striped : though the fact is that it 
 was really nothing more than a kitten ; but it 
 could have crunched them up in its jaws as 
 easily as it could look at them. 
 
 The mouse saw it, and turning upon its 
 hereditary enemy, as if it knew its chance had 
 come, placed its great ponderous paw upon the 
 
CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES 229 
 
 kitten's back, and crushed it flat as a pancake 
 beneath it in a second. In a dim way, OHve 
 understood even then that the kitten had been 
 chasing that very mouse through the grass at 
 the precise moment of Charlie's wish ; and that 
 the strange upturning of relations which im- 
 
 HORRIFIED AT THE SIGHT, THE CHILDREN CROUCHED AND COWERED. 
 
 mediately ensued had transformed the mouse 
 all at once from the pursued to the pursuer. 
 
 Horrified at the sieht, the children crouched 
 and cowered. It was a minute or two before 
 even Charlie, who was the coolest of the four, 
 mustered up courage enough to recollect that 
 their present sudden plight had been wholly 
 
230 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 brought about by their own action ; and that 
 as they wished themselves into it, they could 
 wish themselves out of it. 
 
 * No more changed relations for me ! ' he 
 exclaimed hastily. ' This game of the Seven- 
 leagued Boots doesn't work, I see. The 
 ordinary sizes of men and beasts are much 
 more convenient and comfortable, after all. — 
 Back to normal relations again ! Everything 
 to be its own proper bigness or littleness, 
 exactly as usual ! ' 
 
 Hardly had he spoken, when they saw the 
 elephant disentangle himself with sudden ease 
 from a trifling cobweb, shake himself free with 
 a great clumsy jerk, scatter the strands like 
 gossamer, and go on his way rejoicing. As 
 he did so, he trod accidentally on the mouse, 
 which had instantly resumed its natural size, 
 and trampled it into atoms. The crushed body 
 of the kitten still lay bleeding in the sun. The 
 spider alone remained, looking about her in 
 astonishment to see what had become of her 
 nice juicy prey, which must have inflated itself 
 before her eyes like the indiarubber dolls you 
 buy for a penny in the streets of London. 
 
CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES 231 
 
 Olive sat down on a bank, trembling, to 
 recover from her fright. 'This is all your 
 fault, Tom,' she sobbed out at last. * You 
 encouraged me to climb over the Ivory Gate. 
 I wish I'd stayed at home like a good little 
 girl and never, never found my way to this 
 disgusting country.' 
 
 'Oh, that's right!' Tom exclaimed, rather 
 tremulous himself. * Put it all upon me ! But 
 you liked it very well while we were all getting 
 on and enjoying ourselves together.' 
 
 * I want to get home,' Olive went on. * I hate 
 this Infin-tin-ity.' 
 
 'And then you get angry with me,' Tom 
 continued, in a reproachful voice. ' The first 
 day of my holidays ! ' 
 
 * But it's so awful,' Olive exclaimed. ' These 
 elephants and spiders ! ' 
 
 ' He's such a nice kind brother,' Charlie put 
 in, trying to soothe her. ' He does everything 
 to please you.' \ 
 
 ' Don't I play tennis with you every day, and 
 give up all my time to you ? ' Tom asked, 
 following up his advantage. ' Didn't I bring 
 you home a box of American caramels ? ' 
 
232 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 Olive began to cry still harder. 'Well, I'm 
 sure,' she said, ' I'm grateful.' 
 
 'And comforting,' the Greedy Boy con- 
 tinued, eyeing her hungrily, as though she 
 were a cup of Somebody's cocoa. 
 
 'Why, you look as if you were going to 
 eat me up,' Olive exclaimed, shrinking away. 
 The memory of the spider was still forcibly 
 present with her. 
 
 *0r to gulp her down,' Charlie added. 
 
 * Now, that's queer,' he went on, reflectively. 
 
 * I never thought of that before. When you 
 eat a thing up, you also gulp it down ; and how 
 can it be up and down at the same time, I 
 wonder ? That's clearly inconsistent ! ' 
 
 * Not at all,' Tom answered, growing argu- 
 mentative. * Motion can easily be in opposite 
 directions at once.' 
 
 * No, it can't,' Charlie replied. * You must 
 go one way or the other.' 
 
 ' Yes, it can,' Tom insisted. * Suppose 
 you're crossing the Atlantic to New York on 
 a steamer ; then you're going west, aren't you } 
 Very well, then ; suppose you take a turn on 
 deck, and walk from the bow of the ship to the 
 
CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES 233 
 
 stern ; you're walking east, aren't you ? So 
 you're moving east and west at one and the 
 same time ; there's no getting out of it.' 
 
 * But while you re walking from west to east, 
 and while the ship's sailing from east to west,' 
 Charlie continued, 'the world's turning from 
 west to east ; so I expect, in the long run, 
 you're just standing still ; and that's the end 
 of it.' 
 
 * In that case,' Olive suggested, drying her 
 eyes, and getting interested, 'wouldn't it be 
 cheaper to stand still where you were at first, 
 and wait till the world brought New York round 
 to you ? ' 
 
 'This is foolish,' the Greedy Boy said. 
 * This is not practical. You wander from the 
 point. The question now before the House is 
 still the same — what are we to do to get some 
 dinner ? ' 
 
 'Well,' Tom remarked, 'an hour or two 
 ago, when all the world was swimming before 
 us at once, we saw Jerusalem and Madagascar, 
 and North and South Amerikee. Which re- 
 minds me that we might with advantage imitate 
 Gorging Jack and Guzzling Jimmy. Now, Cecil, 
 
234 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 I feel sure, is the fittest of us all to die. Just 
 
 look how fat he is! If we eat up anybody, we J 
 
 must eat up Cecil.' 
 
 * I don't like this trifling about an important 
 question,' the Greedy Boy went on, colouring 
 up. * I go in for being practical. We ought 
 to resolve ourselves into committee of ways and 
 means. It's all very well, this wandering about 
 in Infinity; but sooner or later, you've got to 
 get home to dinner.' 
 
 ' That's common sense,' Olive assented, with "'] 
 
 emphasis. She was beginning to feel hungry. 
 And for a teacher of common sense, commend 
 me to hunger. 
 
 * Let's look about us once more for a way 
 out,' Tom remarked ; ' it's all we can do.' And 
 they looked about again with a will. But, 
 strange to say, though it was easy enough for 
 them to find themselves in Vienna or Melbourne 
 at every turn, they couldnt get back to the 
 Ivory Gate, no matter how much they searched 
 for it. It somehow seemed as if, once well 
 within that wall of the Marvellous Country, 
 they must wander round and round, like 
 people in the labyrinth at Hampton Court, \ 
 
 _j 
 
CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES 
 
 235 
 
 and never get one step nearer to anywhere In 
 particular. 
 
 Olive was now quite tired. ' I wish we 
 could get out/ she cried, in a peevish tone. 
 ' It's a beastly place, this ! I want to be safe at 
 home, in my own little bedroom ! ' 
 
 'let's sit down and think about it.' 
 
 'Well, everything depends,' Charlie said, 
 * upon the particular century on which we 
 happen to emerge. If we got out in the 
 twentieth century b.c, for example, your 
 own little bedroom wouldn't be there at all ; 
 and the Druidical savages of the twentieth 
 century would probably offer us up as burnt 
 sacrifices on the Nower ; which would be most 
 uncomfortable.' 
 
236 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 'There's something in that/ Tom said. 
 ' Though I think, if we got out, we should get 
 out right enough in our own time. However, 
 I may be wrong. Let's sit down and think 
 about it.' 
 
 So they sat down and thought about it. 
 For somehow, from the moment they got 
 beyond the Ivory Gate, they had always felt 
 an irresistible impulse, instead of doing any- 
 thing, to sit down at every turn and argue it all 
 out logically. 
 
 .» 
 
 % 
 
CHAPTER XVII 
 
 THE professor's secret 
 
 ' Dear me,' Olive exclaimed, seized with a 
 sudden doubt ; * I perceive a difficulty.' 
 
 *Oh, no more puzzles, I hope,' Tom replied, 
 clapping his hand to his forehead. * My poor 
 head's getting muddled. I declare, living here 
 is almost as bad at times as being put in the 
 Sixth Form for advanced mathematics.' 
 
 'Formulate yourself,' Charlie said, turning 
 to Olive with dignity. 
 
 Olive didn't know what he meant ; but she 
 proceeded to formulate herself. * If we talk to 
 these Assyrians and Egyptians and people,' 
 she said, ' who died, oh, ages and ages ago, 
 mustn't all that we say to them have been said 
 three or four thousand years since at least .^ 
 Mustn't it all have happened already before.? 
 don't you think so, Charlie ? ' "' • 
 
238 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 'You reason most convincingly,* Charlie 
 answered. * I see it at a glance. l( we talk 
 to Rameses and Sardanapalus now, Sardan- 
 apalus and Rameses must have talked to us 
 three thousand years ago.' 
 
 * Then how is it it hasn't been mentioned in 
 history ? ' Tom inquired, opening his eyes. 
 
 * History doesn't mention every thingy Charlie 
 answered, confidently. * Only very important 
 events, such as the death of Julius Caesar, and 
 King Alfred burning the cakes, and Canute 
 getting his feet wet, and the signing of Magna 
 Carta or the Great Charter, and that sort of 
 thing, you know, Tom. Besides,' he added after 
 a pause, * we know so little of Assyrian history. 
 It may be on one of the undeciphered monu- 
 ments ; or the stone may be lost ; or it may 
 have been wrongly translated.' 
 
 * Then why don't they look these things up 
 in a crib before they print their translations ? ' 
 Tom inquired, severely. */ look everything 
 up in a crib before I dream of construing it.' 
 
 'And then again,' Olive went on, 'what I 
 want to know is this ; — has it happened twice 
 over — then and now ? or has it happened only 
 
THE PROFESSOR'S SECRET 239 
 
 once ? and if once only, which time did it 
 happen in — theirs or ours ? ' 
 
 CharHe looked awfully wise. ' In my 
 opinion,' he answered, ' it happened neither once 
 nor twice ; neither now nor then ; neither here 
 nor elsewhere.' (Which was really the sensiblest 
 thing Charlie had said since he got there.) ' I 
 set it down myself to the abrogation of space- 
 relations.' 
 
 ' Oh, rot ! ' Tom cried. ' I don't think about 
 it at all. Why, ever since we came here, we've 
 been indulging all along in the most glaring 
 inconsistencies. The whole place is absurd : 
 it's full of topsy-turvydom.' 
 
 * / look at it this way,' Charlie replied : ' you 
 are trying to introduce the limitations of Time 
 and Space into the World Beyond the Bounds, 
 where they have no existence.* 
 
 ' For my part,' Tom said, in his common- 
 sense way, * my opinion is that we've all been 
 trying to get rid of things we can't get rid 
 of; that Time and Space are part of our 
 nature.' 
 
 'The great philosopher Kant believed,* 
 Charlie began ^ ♦ 
 
240 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 ' Oh, chuck it,' Tom interrupted. * I'm sick 
 of you and your Kant. I don't believe, myself, 
 you've ever read him. — Look here ; there's an 
 old boy over yonder who can probably explain 
 it all to us.' 
 
 'And, what's more important,' the Greedy 
 Boy added, * show us the way out of this beastly 
 place ; for if we don't make haste, we shall be 
 late for dinner; and cook promised to make 
 me a roly-poly.' ^ 
 
 ' That's intelligent,' Tom answered. ' Let's 
 ask him to direct us.' 
 
 Olive looked up where they indicated, and 
 saw a very bent old gentleman, in cap and 
 gown, with his eyes on the ground, coming 
 slowly toward them. *•. 
 
 * Why, it's Professor Giglamps ! ' Charlie 
 exclaimed, as he drew near. ' He knows my 
 Papa. — How do you do. Professor ? ' 
 
 The Professor walked on towards them, in 
 a brown study, as if he never saw or heard 
 them. Olive thought at first he was going to 
 walk right through them, liKe the Assyrians 
 and Egyptians ; but one minute later, the 
 IVofessor had knocked up quite hard against 
 
THE PROFESSOR'S SECRET 
 
 241 
 
 Tom, and was standing before them, a solid 
 body of our time, profusely apologetic. 
 
 IN A BROWN STLDV. 
 
 *I — I beg your pardon,' he said humbly, 
 taking off his square cap to them. ' I was 
 absorbed in thought. I was pondering on the 
 
242 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 mysteries of the Fourth Dimension. And in 
 this country, one so seldom comes upon any- 
 body else. We most of us walk alone, each 
 following his own path, — to his own pet 
 absurdity.' 
 
 ' All right,' Tom said, forgivingly. ' Put 
 your hat on, old man ! You didn't hurt |1 
 
 me. No offence meant, and none need be | 
 
 taken.' , ^ 
 
 * We go on for ever,' the Professor con- 
 tinued, as if up in the clouds, ' without ever 
 meeting one another.' 
 
 '/know,' Tom answered. 'Like parallel 
 straight lines, which may be produced in- 
 definitely in either direction without ever 
 meeting.' 
 
 The Professor nodded. 'Quite so,' he 
 murmured. 
 
 As for Olive, she was delighted to find the 
 Professor was 'real,' as she phrased it to her- 
 self ; for he was the very first person belonging 
 to quite their own time the four children had 
 met since their visit to that country. She 
 didn't really count Dick Deadeye, or the Duke 
 of Wellington. .: ^ 
 
 
THE PROFESSOR'S SECRET 243 
 
 * And young people, too ! ' the Professor 
 went on, rather mooning to himself than 
 speaking to the children. 'So extremely un- 
 usual ! Must have lost their way, poor things, 
 or been shut in here through the closing of the 
 doors by accident.' 
 
 'We weren't,' Tom answered sturdily. ' We 
 climbed over the gate. We wanted to see 
 what lay beyond the limits.' 
 
 The Professor shook his head, * Out of 
 bounds ! ' he said. ' Out of bounds ; especially 
 for young people ! You are almost the first I 
 have ever met here. Every now and then, to 
 be sure, some child does startle you by tumb- 
 ling helter-skelter over the wall for a moment ; 
 but it's only for a moment. They look about 
 them, give it up, and climb helter-skelter back 
 again. It's we men who are fools enough to 
 go wandering about, day after day, on our 
 aimless quest through this trackless wilderness. 
 Interminable wandering — and it leads us — 
 whit-her ? ' 
 
 ' Do you come here often ? ' Olive asked, 
 looking up with childish confidence into the 
 Professor's face ; for though he was gray and 
 
244 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 bent, he had a kindly smile and eyes full of soft 
 tenderness. 
 
 * My child,' the Professor said gently, taking 
 her hand, ' I live here almost entirely. I pass 
 more than half my waking life in this country.' 
 
 * And is that why you look so precious old 
 and dazed ? ' Tom inquired irreverently. 
 
 The Professor gazed down upon him with a 
 tolerant smile. * That is why I look so wise,' 
 he answered, with an evasive glance. * But I 
 know so much, so very much about it, that I 
 don't care to see young people like you straying 
 casually about here.' 
 
 *We want to know,' Tom asked, 'are we 
 living in the present century or some other one ? 
 Are we under the rule of Sennacherib or of 
 Queen Victoria ? ' 
 
 ' Victoria ? ' the old gentleman said, turning 
 it over in his mind. •' Victoria 1 Ah, yes, I 
 remember. When I was a boy, there was a 
 queen of that name. And is she reigning still 1 
 Dear me, how curious! In this country, you 
 see, we forget those details.' 
 
 * Please, what is the name of this country ? ' 
 Olive asked, looking up in his face. . 
 
THE PROFESSOR'S SECRET 245 
 
 * Why, Nowhere,' Tom answered flippantly. 
 
 ' Infinity,' Charlie put in, like one who knows 
 his ground. 
 
 But the Professor looked down at them both 
 with a gently chiding face. ' Oh no,' he said 
 promptly; * it isn't Nowhere, and it isn't Infinity. 
 TMs country is Metaphysica ; and the laws and 
 principles that govern its inhabitants are called 
 Metaphysics. Now physic, you know, is bad 
 enough for young people, except under medical 
 advice and in peculiar circumstances; but M eta- 
 physic is much worse ; it upsets their heads, 
 and turns them topsy-turvy.' 
 
 , 'I have felt rather topsy-turvy ever since I 
 came here,' Olive admitted frankly. ' I don't 
 seem to understand things.' 
 
 ' Nobody ever does understand things in 
 Metaphysica,' the Professor answered. ' I'm 
 a teacher of Metaphysics, and I ought to 
 know. I'm paid to learn them, and I'm paid 
 to teach them ; and after twenty years' ex- 
 perience, I can tell you this much — I'm paid 
 to explain to other people that nothing at all 
 can ever be known about any of the things I'm 
 paid to explain to them.' 
 
246 ' TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 ' Precisely my own opinion!' Charlie assented 
 warmly. 
 
 The Professor surveyed him up and down 
 for some seconds through his spectacles. Then 
 he murmured frankly, ' The common or garden 
 prig! But one of the youngest specimens I 
 have ever come across.' 
 
 * Then you don't think it's good for us to be 
 here ? ' Olive inquired quite prettily. 
 
 ' Certainly not,' the Professor answered, 
 leading her on as he spoke. * — That is to say, 
 not for a permanency. It won't do you any 
 harm, I daresay, to have come here just for 
 once, on a slight excursion : but I wouldn't 
 stop here, if I were you. It's most unhealthy.' 
 
 'We've had a rattling good time here, 
 though, ' Tom interrupted. * No end of battles ! ' 
 
 ' No doubt,' the Professor replied. ' You've 
 taken it all as a joke. You've only seen just 
 enough of the country to interest and amuse 
 you. But Metaphysica, believe me, is not a 
 good place for permanent residence. Most 
 people who come here wander about alone 
 till they're dazed or melancholy. It ruins 
 everybody's health, and also their intellect. 
 
 'a: 
 
THE PROFESSOR'S SECRET 
 
 247 
 
 Look how it has ruined mine — and yet I'm 
 paid to live here.' 
 
 ' Then perhaps we'd better return to our 
 
248 TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 own world and our own time ? ' Olive con- 
 tinued, somewhat regretfully, now it came to 
 the pinch ; for, after all, they had enjoyed 
 themselves in a way in Metaphysica. 
 
 * Decidedly,' the Professor replied. ' I have 
 a key in my pocket. I can easily let you out 
 again.' - 
 
 He took out the key (which was labelled 
 ' Common Sense ') and drew them over to a 
 side-ally, overgrown with the most lovely bind- 
 weeds and briar-roses. They walked along it 
 in silence for five or six minutes. The path 
 was obscure, and many side-tracks crossed and 
 recrossed it at intervals ; but the Professor 
 knew the way, and led them through it dexter- 
 ously. * Made in Germany,' he murmured, as 
 they passed the corner of Schopenhauer Lane 
 and Fichte Tangle. Then he brought them 
 out at last into an open sunny space near the 
 high wall of the country. In one moment 
 more, they stood beside the Ivory Gate, which 
 the Professor opened with a turn of the key he 
 had taken from his pocket. 
 
 'Good morning,' he said, with a smile, and 
 bowed them out politely. 
 
THE PROFESSOR'S SECRET 
 
 249 
 
 Next instant, to her immense amazement, 
 Olive was aware that she and Tom were 
 
 ^&d^r.,... 
 
 J|:^--•■^^ 
 
 l•>:^vV^;«;^^;■,::■.: 
 
 standing once more on the top of the Nower, 
 just outside the wall of Bury Hill, where they 
 had gone in that morning — or was it several 
 centuries ago ? 
 
2SO TOM, UNLIMITED 
 
 She looked about her in wonder for Charlie 
 and the Greedy Boy. But they were nowhere 
 to be seen. They seemed to have vanished 
 into thin air (like the ghosts in Virgil) at the 
 moment when they passed the Ivory Gate. 
 And the Ivory Gate itself had disappeared just 
 as utterly. 
 
 What had become of them, she could not 
 imagine. And, in my opinion, nobody ever 
 will know — unless I write another book just 
 like this one to tell them. 
 
 THE END 
 
 . 'I 
 
 ■ /. . 
 
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