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', t QoSbeq ( i 1 MARK TWAIN • AXD Some Other Funny Men. T*xLo9 yuieeaa. 0«aa.t«. TORON W. G. Gibson, E TORONTO NEWS COMPANY, THE MONTREAL NEWS COMPM^f »l^^|tffAL .f^^^IFTON. SOME FUNNY THINGS. VERY FUNNY; NOT TOO FC^HNrj, ■ ^y '•• JUST FUNNY ENOiQjS'H. 'c^^"^.V> W^l u CAREFUL SELECTION OF THE FRESHEST AND-REST SKETCHES BY The Detroit Free Press Man, The Burlington Hawkeye Man, The Norristown Herald Man, The Galveston News Man, AND OTHER WELL KNOWN FUNNY MEN. TOKONTO : PUBLISHED HY \V. (1. GIBSON Bo KiNu St. Wkbt. I SOME FUNNY THINGS, BY MARK TWAIN, AND OTH£R KUNNY MEN. EDWARD MILLS AND GEORGE BENTON : A TALE. These two were dlstanily related to each other, — seventh cousins, or something of thai bort. While still babies they be- came orphans, and were adopted by the Brants, a childless couple, who quickly grew very fond of them. The Brants were always saying, " Be pure, honest, sober, indnstriou'-' and considerate of others, and success in life is assured." The children heard this repeated some thousands- of times before they understood it ; they could repeat it themselves long before they could say the Lord's Prayer ; it was painted over the nursery door, and was about the first thing they learned to read. It was destined to become the unswerving rule of Edward Mills' life. Sometimes the Brants changed the woi ding a little, and said, "Be pure, honest, sober, industrious, considerate, and you will never lack friends." Baby Mills was a comfort to everybody about him. When he wanted candy and could not have it, he listened to reason, and contented himself without it. When Baby Benton wanted candy, he cried for it until he got it. Baby Mills took care of his toys ; Baby Benton alwavs destroyed his in a very brief time, and then made himaelf so insistently disagreeable that, in order to have peace in the house, little Edward was persuaded to yield up his play things to him. When the children were a httle older, Gecrgie bee ime a heavy expense in one respect ; he took no care of his clothes ; conse- quently, he shone frequently in new ones, which was not the case with Eddio. The boys grew apace. Eddie was au increasing comfort, Georgia an increasing solicitude. It was always suffi- cient to Bay, in answer to Eddie's petitions, " I would rather you 4 SOME FUNNY THINGS. would not do it,"— meaning swimming, skatmg, picnicking berrymg, cncusiug, and all sorts of things winch boys delight in J3ut no ansv er was sufficient for Georgie ; he had to be humoured in his desires, ov he would carry them with a high hand. Natur- ally, no boy got more swimming, skating, berrying, and so forth than he ; no boy ever had a better time. . The good 13rants did not allow the boys to play out after nine in summer evenings • they were sent to bed at that hour; Eddie honorablv remained' but Georgie usually slipped out of the windo^v towards ten, and enjoyed himsc4t till midnight. It seemed impossible to break Georgie 01 this bad habit, but the Brants managed it at i-ist bv i^ '^ ^»'"^' with apples and marbles, to stay m. Tlie irood Bt-nn.s gave all their time and attention to vain endeavors to regulate Georgie ; they said, with grateful tears in their eyes, that Eddie iK-.ded no elforts of theirs, he was so good, so consid- erate, and in ail ways so perfect. By and by tiie boys were big euougii to work, so they were apprenticed to a trade: Edward went voluntarily; George was coaxeu i.nd bribed. Edward worked hard and faithfully, and ceased to be an expense co the good Brants ; they praised him, so rtid ill master ; but George ran a\v'ay, and it cost Mr. Brant both money and trouble to Irjnt him up and get him back. By and by he ran away again,— more money and more trouble. He ran away a third time,— and stole a few things to carry with him. Iroubleand expense for Mr. Brant once more; and, besides, it was witli the greatest ditliculty that he succeeded in persuading the mastcu- to let the youth go unprosecuted for the theft. Edward worked steadily along, and in time became a full ])art- ner in ins master's business. George did not improve; he kep. the loving hearts of his aged benefactors full of trouble, and tiitir hands lull of inventive activities to protect him from ruin Edward, as a boy, had interested himself in Sunday schools debating socu-ties, penny missionary affairs, anti-tobacco organi- zations, anti-piolanity associations, and all such things • as a man, he was a quiet but steady and reliable helper in the church the temperance societies, and in all movements looking to the' aiding and uphltmg of men. This excited no remark, attracted no attention,— lor it was his " natural bent." Finally the nld ])eople died. The will testified the'r loving pride in Edward, and left tlieir httle property to George,— because He "needed it;' whereas, "owing to a bountiful Providence" SOME FU^N7 THINGS. such was not. the case with Edward. The property was left to George conditionally : he must buy out Edward's partner with it ; else it must go to a benevolent organization called the Prison- er's Friend Society. The old people left a letter, in which they begged their dear sou Edward to take their place and watch over George, and help and shield him as they had done. Edward dutifully acquiesced, and George became his partner in the business. He was not a valuable partner : he had been meddling with drink before ; he soon developed into a constant tippler, now, and his flesh and eyes showed the fact unpleasantly. Edward had been courting a sweet and kindly spirited girl for some time. They loved each other dearly, and — But about this period George began to haunt her tearfully and imploringly, and at last she went crying to Edward, and said her high and holy duty was plain before her, — she must not let her own selfish de- sires interfere with it: she must marry "poor George" and "reform him." It would break her heart, she knew it would, and so on ; but duty was duty. So she married George, and Edward's heart came very near breaking, as well as her own. However, Edward recovered, and married another girl, — a very excellent one she was too. Children came, to both families, ^[ary did her honest best to reform her husband, but the contract was too large. George went on drmking, and by and by he fell to misusing her and the little ones sadly. A great many good people strove with George, — they were always at it, in fact, — but he calmly took such efforts as his due and their duty, nnd did not mend his ways. He add- ed a vice, presently, — tliat of secret gambling. He got deeply in debt ; he borrowed money on the firm's credit, as quietly as he could, and carried this system so far and so successfully thai one morning the sheriff took jwssessioa of the establis'hment, and the two cousins found thomselvos penniless. Times were hard, now, and they grew worse. Edward moved his family into a garret, and walked the streets day and night, seeking work. He begged for it, hut it was really not to be had. He was astonished to see how soon his face became unwelcome ; he was astonished and hurt t>) see how quickly tlie ancient inter- est which people had had in him faded out and disappeared. Still, he ///j/.vi* get work ; so he swallowed his cliau'iin, and toiled on in search of it. At last he got a job of carrying bricks up a ladder in a hod, and was a grateful man in consequence ; but 6 SOME FUNNY THINGS. after that nobody knew him or cared anytliing about him. He was not able to keep up his dues in tlie various moral organiza- tions to which he belonged, and had to endure the sharp pain of seeing himself brought under the disgrace of suspension. But the faster Edward died out of public knowledge and inter- est, the faster Gtarge rose iu them. He was found lying, ragged and drunk, iu the gutter, one morning. A member of the Laiies' Temperance Refuge fished him out, took him in hand, got up a subscription for him, kept him sober a whole week, then got a situation for him. An account of it was published. General attention was thus drawn to the poor feHow, and a great many people came forward, and helped him toward reform with their countenance and encouragement. He did not drink a drop for Wo mouths, and meantime was the pet of the good. Then he fell, — in the gutter ; and there was general sorrow and lamentation. But tlio noble sisterhood rescued him again. They cleaned him up, they fed him, they listened to the mournful music of of his repentances, they got him his situation again. An account of this, also, was published, and the town was drowned in happy tears over the re-restoration of the poor beset and strug- gling victim of the fatal bowl. A grand temperance revival was got up, and after some rousing speeches had been made the chairman said impressively, " We are now about to call 'for sign- ers ; and I think there is a spectacle in store for you which not many in this house will be able' to view with dry eyes." There was an eloquent ])ause, and then George Benton, escorted by a red- sashed detachment of the Ladies of the Refuge, stepped for- wai-d upon the platform and signed the pledge. The air was rent with applause, and everybody cried for joy. Everybody wrung the hand of the new c( avert when the meeting was oVer ; his salary was enlarj^^ed next day ; he was the talk of the town, and its hero. An account of it was pubhshed. George Benton fell, regularly, every three months, but was faithfully rescued and wrought with, every time, and good situa- tions were found for him. Finally, he^ was taken around the country lecturing, as a reformed drunkard, and he had great houses and did an immense amount of good. He was so popular at home, and so trusted, — during his sober intervals, — that he was enabled to use the name of a principal citizen, and get a large sum of money at the bank. A mighty pressure was brought to bear to save him from the consequences SOME FVNNY THIXGS. of his forgery, and it was partially successful, — he was " sent up " for only two years. When, at "the end of a year, the tireless efforts of the benevolent were crowned with success, and he emerged from the penitentiary with a pardon in his pocket, the Prisoner's Friend Society mat iiim at the door with a situation and a comfortable salary, and all the other benevolent people came forward and gave him advice, encouragement, and help. Edward Mills had once applied to the Prisoner's Friend Society for a situation, when in dire need, but the question " Have you been a prisoner ?" made brief work of his case. While 8,11 these things were going on, Edward Mills had been quietly making head against adversity. He was still pot*-, but was in receipt of a steady and sudicieut salary, as the respected and trusted cashier of a bank. George Benton never came near him, and was never heard to enquire about him. Georgv. got to indulging in long absences from the town ; there were ill reports about him, but nothing definite. One winter's night some masked burglars forced their way into the bank, and found Edward Mills there alone. They command- ed him to reveal the '• combination," so that they could get into the safe. He refused. They threatened his life. He said his employee trusted him, and he could not ba a traitor to that trust. He could die, if he must, but while he lived he would be faithful ; he would not yield up the " combination." The burglars killed him. The detectives hunted down the criminals ; the chief one proved to be George Benton. A wide sympathy was felt for the widow and orphans of the dead man, and all the newspapers in ihe land befjged that all the banks in the land would testify of the fidelity :.,nd heroism of the mur- comiug forward with a generous contribu- aid of his family, now bereft of support. a mass of solid cash amounting to up- their appreciation dered cashier by tion of money in The result was wards of five hundred dollars, — an average of nearly three eighths of a cent lor each bank in the Union. The cashier's own bank testified its gratitude by endeavoring to show (but humiliat- ingly failed in it) that tho peerless servant's accounts were not square, and that he himself had knocked his brains out with a bludgeon to escape detection and ]ninishmciit. George Beaton was arraigned for trial. Then everybody seem- ed to forget the widow and orphans in their solicitude for poor SOME FUNNY THINGS. M George. Everything that money and influence could do was done to save him, but it all failed; he was sentenced to death. Straight- way the governor was besieged with petitions for commutation f.^! ^ZZ-A I ""r w"^^^* ^^ *"^'^"^ y''""^ girl« ; by sorrow- ful old maids ; by deputations of pathetic widows • by shoals of impreBsive orphans. But no,:the governor- for on'ce-would not Now George Benton experienced religion.- The glad news flew all around. From that time forth his cell was always ^ul) of girls and women and fresh flowers; all the day long there was prayer ; and hymn-singing. and thanksgivings, and homilies, and tears with never an interruption, except an occasional five-minute in- termission for refreshments. This sort of thing continued up to the very gallows, and Geowe Benton weno proudly home, in the black cap, before a wailing audience of the sweetest and best that the region could produce hUFr^ u^ ^\T^' ^''''''' ^" '* ^^«^y ^'*y' ^or a while, and the headstone bore these words, under a hand pointing aloft : •♦fie has fought the good fight." f « «- ne The brave cashier's head-stone has this inscription • " Be pure, honest, sober, industrious, considerate, and you will never Nobody knows who gave the order to leave it that way, but it was so given. ^ The cashier's family are in stringent circumstances, now, it is said ; but no matter ; a lot of appreciative people, who were not willing that an act so brave and true as his should go unreward- ed, have collected forty-two thousand dollars-and built a Me- morial Church with it. Mark Twain. MRS. MoWILLIAMS AND THE LIGHTNING. Wem., sir -continued Mr. McWilliams, for this was not the beginning of his talk,-the fear of lightnin^^ is one of the most distressing inhrmities a human being can be afflicted wiUi. It ^IZ^'fll "J!!"^ "^ to women ; but now and tlien you find it in a !i,,.,c .jOg, H::u riv;iiiitiLut^o iu ft iimxi. It 1 ! a particuiariy distres- sing ln^^mlty, for the reason tliat it takes the sand out of a per- son to an extent which no other fear can, and it can't be rmsonsd SOME FUNNY THINGS. with, and neither can it be shamed out of a person. A woman who could face the very devil himself — or a mouse — loses her ^ip and goes all to pieces in front of a flash ot lightning. Her fright is something pitiful to see. Well, as I was telling you, I woke up with that smothered and unlocatable cry of " Mortimer, Mortimer ! •" wailing in my ears ; and as soon as I could scrape my faculties together I reached over in the daik and ihen said, — " Evangeline, is that yoji calling ? What is the matter ? Whf!re are you ? '* " Shut up in the bcot-closet. You orght to be ashamed to lie there and sleep so, and such an awful s^orm going on." " Why, how can one be ashamed when he is asleep ? It is un- reasonable ; a man am't be ashamed when he is asleep, Evange- line." " You never try, Mortimer, — you know very well yoa never . try.' I caught the sound of muffled sobs. That sound smote dead tho dnarp speech that was on my lips, and I changed it to — " I'm sorry, dear, — I'm truly sorry I never meanl to act so. Come back and " — " Mortimer !" " Heavens ! what is the matter, my love ? " *' Don you mean to say you are in that bed yet ? " " Why, of course." •'Come out ot it instantly. I should think you would take some /////'' care of your life, for //*// sako and the children's, if you will not for your own." '* Hut ray love " — " Don't talk to me, Alortimpr. You kmnr there is no place so dangerous as a bed, iu such a thuiulor storm as this, — all the books say that ; yet tlieie you would lie, aud deliberately throw away your life, — for goodness knows what, unless for the sake of arguiDg and arguiug, and" — " But, coufound it, Evangeline, I'm v.f in the bed, t-dw. I'm." — [Bentence interrupted by a sudden glare of lightning, followed by a terniied little scream from Mrs. McWilliams aud a tremend- ous blast jf tiiuucier.] " There ! You see t'ne result. Oh, Mortimer, how can you be so profligate as to swear at such a time as this ? " 10 f^OME FUNNY THINGS. yo>. know very we 1 Evanaelin? t f 'f" ' ""^ * "^"'^ • '^"^ »ee how ym 'can ac7,r wL^' "«r '*' J"" "'*»«'' '"I *»-•' rod on the i lace and vo^ y°". /"""'«=«■•« is not a lightning at the mercy of Providence'^ W,"'? ""'' "''"'''•™ "^ absolutely match, jcharirs^^^^^ Jiang it, woman, Where's the harm 9 ti,^ i • i , the inside of an infidel, and •'— ^^^''^ '' *^ ^*'^ *« sacrmce us Till ""tt^, 7'''''''' ^^ ^^^ ^«*^^°^-ed to like a hght %t ^ruTf /I ' f r^^T" ^'^•'^'^' ^^^^'^^^^^ hear it I Mn„ '"'''^ ■ ^'''''"—boloom-boom-boom /] Oh inat f. M • T ; , •^''" '^^ ^'^^^ .you've done I " -• ' "^ '' ning L all I know but f^' 'T" ^ T'^'^ ^^^ ^^^^-^ ^igl^t- that. And it dS a rn.f f" -"^^'I'^^Mning,--!']! go odds on shot was l^ldled at mv match Twt ble" " 1 ''" *^"^ 1 '"• ^^ ^'^^ -about an avera-c of nnnn . / ^^''^'^ Poor marksmanship, ver,^;e:^Vt;;r:nd ^^L:: T ^^-^^^^^ the ca,-al,lo of using such an^u^as tha^ ' t7" %^°^^"t/o»» ^^e —Mortimer !" "-"o^^oe as that. If yoi have no desire to " Well ?" I] j^^l yo» say your prayers to-night '' twelve tL";;::: ^^:; !:',[.f ^ *^^^"^ *« -p^-^ -^^ how much just air for V( u , ! ''''* ''^'^ ^'^'^^ ' ^"^^ ^ ^1"^"* tlunk it's pens HO sehio ' tift z:;rr'^''""'?y- ^^^^"^^ »^^^«p- oarthquake. foul- vearn ago ■ ""'^ '^^'^'"^ "'"'^« ^ brought on that "Mo_HT.MKu' h,wy;„ talk! FT, itJVfi My dear, you are al IjlVn \rr\ii fjx,.^..l.L il. . _i. •*"'"" '-"''n'"'i-'''VLi iiiW yoiiOw ways throwing up the yellow fever to rae. SOME FUNP^Y THINGS. 11 and I think it h perfectly unreaaonable. You can't even send a telegraphic message as far as Memphis without relays, so how is a little devoti. nai sUp of mine going to carry so far ? i'U stand the earthquake, because it was in the neighborhood ; but I'll be hanged if I'm going to be responsible for e%'ery blamed " — ^[Tgt — BOOM beroom-hoom ! boom ! — BANG !] " Oh, dear, dear, dear ! I know it struck something, Mortimer, a We never shall see the light of another day ; and if it will do you any good to remember, when we are gone, that your dreadful language — Mortimer J " I " Well ! What now '?" " Your voice sounds as if — Mortimer, are you actually stand- ing in front of that open fire-place ?" " That is the very crime I am committing." " Get oway from it, this moment. You do ser m determined to bring destruction on us all. Don't you know that there is no better conductor for lightnmg than an open chimney ? Now where have you got to ?" " I'm here by the window." " Oh, for pity's sake, have you lost vour mind ? Clear out from there this moment. The very children in arms know it is fatal to stand near a window in a thuuder-utorm. Dear, dear, I know I shall never see the light of another day. Mortimer ?" " Yes ?" " What is that rustling ? ' " It's me. " " What are you doing ?" " Trying to find the upper ond of my pantaloons." " Quick ! Throw those tilings away ! I do beUeve you would dehberately put on tliose clothes at such a time as this ; yet you know perfectly well that all authorit'^s agroe that woollen stuffs attract lightning. Oh, d.ar, dear, it isn't sufiicient that one's life must be in peril from natural causes, but you must do every- thing J on can possibly think of to augment the danger. Oh, don't sing ' What r„n' yon bo thinking of ? " Now where's the harm in it .'" " Mortimer, if I have told you once, I have told you hundred times, that singing causes vihrations m the atmosphere which -. ■ ,••1 _1 t«ri_^i _.l iutorruj)t tiie iiow oi ine eieetin; liuiii, aiiu — ">v iin,!, on eutiu are you opening that door for ?" ' Goodness gracioL ^omau, is tliere any harm in tJuitP" 12 SOME FUNNY THINGS. I the lightiiiaa You Imvp n'f . . create a draught is to invite or we are alfdestroVed Oh \"A ' ^^^" VVlf ^' '^^^ ^« ^^^^ry with a lunatic at luTh . tu^e ' Z^"" awful thing to be shut up doing ?" *™^ ^^ ^^'''- Mortimer, what are you " Nothing. Just turning on the wntpr Th;. ering hot and close T tynnf f« k n , ^^^^ ^^^^ ^^ smoth- «< V u ^'"'^^- ^ ^ftiit to bathe mv face and han^^ " wheJeVhr.rS3^role^'^ t^^^^^ --^ ^ fifty timel Do turn t "ff ''^ o .'"^^'^^t'" '°'' ^* ^*"^^« ^^*«^ in this world can 'avTi « Tf a ' ''''' ^ ^"^ '"^« ^^'^^ nothing what was that -' ^* ^^'^ ^'^^ *° ^^ that-Mortimer! ;; It was a da-it was a picture. Knocked it down u«ht.io« than": iLTi "^"o; t; r. tTi'-zf""'" '"' shut, unless we cnul.l ho Ju e ' t n . fl . '""' "'" ''"'"■ a candle ; l,u " , ™ U ij i, " "'" """^ "' "'« ° ">"!' "Pi'-ce, an.l here. ;n,at;„„V",:j';';:„:' ;„-;;.:;:' ■;, T'" ■ ' ^'■" '■''"■' ■' "■ aoa s: ;:.t:thur^s;:i; ™::;:t:x i:?' '"• ^'-^ ^ peace; then shocalK.l out. J ^" "^' caudk. Jiad a moment's " Mortimer, wliat was thut 'V' " Nothmg but the cat " just iinow mv liair will fnV.. ».i * ' • rV.' "" '"" '" ^''«'^'f'''icitv. I -ea.d,e.„«f^-;;C'-^''"H;;r;c;;;:r.'t:H SOME FUXNY TniNQS. 13 not have moved hand or foot in such a wild enterprise in the dark. However I went at my task, — over chairs, and against all sorts ot obstructions all of them hard ones, too, and most of them with sharp edges, — and at last I got kitty cooped up in the commode, at an expense of over four hundred dollars in broken furniture and shins. Then these muffled words came from the closet : — " It says the safest thing is to stand on a chair in the middle of the room, Mortimer : and the legs of the chair must be insul- ated, with non-conductors. That is, you must set the legs of the chair in glass tumblers, [Fzt! buom—bamj '. — simsh^ Oh, hear that ! Do hurry, Mortimer, beti)re you are struck." I managed to find and secure the tumblers. I got the last four, — broke all the rest. I insulated the chair legs, and called for further instructions, "Mortimer, it says, 'Wahrend eines Gewitters entferne man Metalle, wie z. B., Hinge, Uhreu, Schlussel, etc., von sich und halte sich audi nicht aa solchen Stellen auf, wo viele Metalle bie einauder liegen, oder mit audern Korpein verbundeu sind, wie an Herdeu, Oefen, Eiseugittern u. dgl' What does that mean, Mor- timer '? Does it mean that you must keep metals aboui you, or keep them inciiij from you ?" " Well, I hardly know. It appears to be a little mixed. All German advice is more or less mixed. However, 1 think tliat sentence is mostly in the dative case, with a little genitive and accusative sifted iu, hero and there, for luck ; so 1 reckon it means that you must keep some metals about you.' " Ye.' , that must be it. It stands to reasou that it is. They are in the nature of lightning-rods, you know. Put on your fireman's helmet, Mortimer ; that is mostly metal." I got it and put it on, — a very heavy iiiul chimHy aud uncom- fortable tiling (m a hot night in a close room. Even my night- dress seemed to be more clothing than I strictly needed. " Mortimer, I tliiiik your middle ought to be prv)t,ectod. Won't you buckle on your militia sabre, please '?" 1 complied. " Now, Mortimer, you ought to have some way to protect your feet. Do please put on your spurs. " I did it, in silence, aud kept my temper as well as 1 oould. " Mortimer, it says, 'Das Oewitter lauteu ist sehr gefahrhch, weil die Glocke selbst, sowie der durch daa Lauten veraulasste 14 SOME FUNNY THINGS. Mortimer does that mean that it is dangerous not to rW the church bells dunng a thunder-storm ">" ^ f].r J^"'-'*' r^"^' ^° "^^^^ that,-if that 18 the past participle of the nominative case singular, and I reckon it is Yes I think ?fc aTsen'c ''1 7 ""°"°* '' '''' ^^^^^^* '' *'- «^"-l^ tow;r and the no ?o .■ if'^1'% '^- ^""^^ ^' ^^^-y d^'^gerous (sehr .efakrlj) not to ring the bells m time of a .torm ; and moreover don't you see, the very wording"— moreovu, aon t in'talk''^w"?i Y' ^^ortimer ; don't waste the precious time Ou ck MnVr i^'^' ^Imner-bell ; it is right there in the hall, yiick, Mortimer dear; we are almost safe. Oh dear I do believe we are going to be saved, at last !" ' Our httle summer establishment stands on top of a high range of hills, overlooking a valley. Several farm-houses arfin our neighborhood,-the nearest some three or four hundred yards fultcnVmTtr^n? '° *^^' '^"^''^^^ ^'^° ^^^°^^°^ *^*^ dread- lanttn -^^ .. ""^''f ■^''''^ T^'^°"^' '^^'^ ^ ^"">^°* bull's-eye inquh-y :r' ^^"''''^ "' ^' ^^" '^'^°^°^' ^«"«^'«^ ^y a hoarse '^^ What in the nation is the matter here ^" Ihe window was full of men's heads, and the heads were full accoTem^iits'*'^"' ^''''' '* ""^ "^^^^'^^^^^ ^°^ -^ --'^i^e and saT-^ ^^' ^'"' '^'^'^"'^ '^°''" ^'^^ ^^^'^ "^^^^^ '" confusion, fort In r '' '?*Vn^ *!f ""?**''• ^'■^'^"' '-«°Jy ^ little discom- t li^htr;"' "' "" thunder-stoim. I was trying to keep off von h.I;r'^'''"'^"'"i\\^'"^'*";°'^^ • ^^'^'>'' ^^'•- McWilliams, have Cn'osCm.""^' It -a beautiful starlight night; the;e has a whUo'^Vl" n TtlCl' " "''"^^'^' ' '"'''^ ''^'''y ^P^^'^ ^- Hnli^ 'n "''^ mj'jerstand this. We distinetlv saw the lIow of the fw oJf^^^^^^^ ^""^ ''V'^l^^''^' ""^^ '»^'^'d tin Uiunder." Iftno), "o»T/'""'"*rf ■"';"*' l'«'"'F»« '^y uov.n on Uh ground to iaugh,--and two o/ them died. One of the survivors nmarked,- i-ity you didn t think to opea your blinds and look over to I SOME FUNNY THINGS. 16 pie of link it id the firlich) don't : range 1 our yards i the top of the high hill yonder. What you heard was cannon ; what you saw was the flash. You t^ee, the telegraph brought some news, just at midnight Garfield's nomiuated,— and that's what'3 the matter !" Yes, Mr. Twain, as I was saying in the beginning (said Mr. McWilhams), the rules for preserving people against lightning are so excellent and so innumerable that the most incomprehen- sible thing in the world to me, is how anybody ever manages to get struck. So saying, he gathered up his satchel and umbrella, and de- parted ; for the train had reached his town. Mark Twain. A TELEPHONIC CONVERSATION. I consider that a conversation by telephone — when you are simply sitting by and not taking any part in that conversation is one of the solemnest curiosities of this modern life. Yesterday I was writing a deep article on a subhme philosophical subject while such a conversation was going on in the room. I notice that one can always write best when somebody is talking through a telephone close by. Well, the thing began in this way. "a member of our household came in and asked me to have our house put into communication with Mr. Bagley s, down town. I have observed, in many cities, that the sex always shiiuks from calling up the central officp themselves. I don't know why, but they do. So I touched the bell and this talk ensued ; — Central I lijice. [Gruffly.] Hello I /. I3 it tlie Central UtVicci ? t'. O. Of course it is. What do you want ? /. Will you switch mo oa to Bagleys, please ? C (). All right. Just keep your ear to tlie telephone. Then I .hoard, k-look k-luok k'louk—klonk-klo<>k-Uook-Iook-look\ then a horrible " gritting " of teeth, and, finally a piping female voice : Y-e-s \> [llising inflection.] Did you wish to speak to mej>" ^ Without answering, 1 handed the telephone to the applicant, and sat down. Then followed that (juerrest Oi" all queer things in this world — a conversation with only one end to it. You hear 16 SOME FUNNY THINGS. Uiii, m questions asked ; you don't hear the ^..nswer. You hear invi- tations -iven ; you hear no thanks in return. You have listening pauses oi dead silence, followed by apparently irrelevant and un? justifiaole exclamations of glad surprise, or sorrow or dismav You can t make head or tail of the talk, because you never h^ar wJl T°^ '^t^^', r''' ^' '^' «*^^^ ^°d «f ^^' wire says' Well, I heard the following remarkable series of observations all from the one tongue, and all shouted,-for you can't ever ie^- suade the sex to speak gently into a telephone •— les ? Why, how did that happen ? Pause. What did you say ? Pause. Oh, no, I don't think it was. Pause. .f^i^l' P^'' °''' ^ ^'^K^ °'^''° ^''''^- ^ °^^*°*' put it in while it is stm boiling,-or juat before it cor,m to a boil. Pause. What 1 Pause. Pausr^ ^* o^®^' w^th a back stitch on the salvage edge. wifl'vo? ^'^^ ^^'^* way too ; but I think it's better to baste it on with Valenciennes or bombazine, or something of that sort It gives It such an air,— and attracts so much notice. Pause. It's forty-ninth Deuteronomy, sixty-fourth to ninety- seventh inclusive. I think we ought to read it often. Pause. Perht^ps so ; I generally use a hair-pin. Pause. What did you say ? [aside] Children, do be quiet ! Pause. '■ Pause^ "^"^ ■' ^^^^ ^^' ^ ^^°"^^^ ^°" ^^^^ i^ was the cat I Hipce ifhen 1 Pause. Why, J never heard of it. Pause. Paus*^^''"'''^ nie ' It seems utterly impossible 1 I 1 SOME FUNNY THINGS. If Who did'i r Pause. Good-ness gracious 1 Pause. Well, what is this world coming to 1 Was it right in church t Pause. And was her mother there ? Pause. Why, Mrs. Bagley, I should have died of humiUation ! What did they do ? Long pause. I can't be perfectly sure, because I have n't the notes by me ; but I think it goes something like this : te-rolly-loll loll lolly-loll- loll, toliy-lolMoll-lee-ly-h-i-do ! And then rejjeat, you know. Pause. Yes, I think it is very sweet,— and very solemn and impressive, if you get the andantino and the pianissimo right. Pause. Oh, gum drops, gum drops ! Bat I never allow them to eat stripped candy. And of course they ca7it till they get their teeth any way. Pause. What ? Pause. Oh, not in the least,— go right on. He's here writing,— it doesn't bother him. Pause. Very well, I'll come if I can. [Aside.] Dear me, how it does tire a person's arm ' -^ hold this thmg up so long ! I widh she'd — Pause. Oh, no, not at all ; I like to talk,— but I'm afraid I'm keeping you from your affairs. Pause. T Visitors ? Pause. No, we never use bnltci on them. Pause. les, iLut IS a vt'iy {^fccd way ; but all tJie codkbdoKs f^ay tbey are ven iiiibt aitliy winu \]n\ me cut dt bcubon. And he doesn't like tJitm, any way, — L.-i-LciuiJy tanned. 18 HOME FUNNY THINGS. m I 1^: i:l PaUBG. Pause. Must you go ? Well, ;/ood-hy. Pause. Yes, I think so. Good-hy. Pause. Four o'clock, then— I'll be ready. Good-hy. Pause. "^ Thank you ever so much. Good-hv. Pause. Oh, not at all !— just as fresh— PTAicA ? Oh, I'm glad to hear you say that. Good-hy. "^ giau w) near ari^sol^']''^ *^' telephone and says, " Oh, it does tire a person's A. man dehvers a single brutal - Good-by," and that is the end of It. Not so with the gentle sex,-I say it in their praise ; they cannot abide abruptness. __j^jI,, ^^^^'^ THAT DECEIVING HAMMOCK. " I've been a fool ! " growled Harper, yesterday, as he untied a parcel m his front yard and shook out a new hammock. ° Here I ve been lopping around all through this infernal hot spell when 1 might just as well have been swinging in a hammock and bad my blistered back cooled off by the breezes " Any one can put up a hammock. All you've got to do is to untie about five hundred knots, unravel about five hundred onenedsHp'^''^''''/^ *'""^ "^^^^ ^^^ can tell whether the opened side was meant to go up or down. This puzzled Harper thVi'lZ JT'''''^ buthen.ally got it right and fastened tho two ends to two convenient trees. Then he took off his hat and coat and rolled in with a great sigh o relief. No, he didn't quite roll in. He was all ready to when the hammock walked away from him, and lie rolled over on of hfa' Wk" "''"'^ ^"^ '' '*"^' "^'^^^ *" '''"^"'^ ^^'" ""'^^^ <^^e small ihl^FJ^ '^''" f ?"^ t ^^-^^ • " "^"^^^ "" ^'^y^^'^ w^« looking oyer the fence and slowly chewing away on green apples. ^ SOME FUNNY THINGS. 19 to " Did I ? Of course I did ! Git down off'n that fence or I'll call a policeman ! " The boy slid down and Harper brought up a lawn chair for the next move. It's the easiest thing in tlie world to drop off a chair mto a hammock. Lots of men would be willing to do it on a salary of $10 per week. The trouble with Harper was that he didn't drop all his body at once. The upper half got into the hammock all right, but the lower half kicked and thrashed around on the grass until the small boy, who didn't mean to let«ve the neighborhood until the show was out, felt called upon to ex- claim : " You can't turn a handspring with your head all wound upin- that ere net, and I'll bet money on it ! " Harper suddenly rested from his labors to rise up and shake his fist at the young viUian, but that didn't help the case a bit. He hadn't got into a hammock yet. He carefully looked the case over, and decided that he had his plans too high. He therefore lowered the net to within two feet of the ground, and he had it dead sure. He fell into it as plump as a bag of shot going down a well. He felt around to see if he was all in, and then gave himself a swing. No person can be happy in a hammock unless the hammock has a pendulum motion. This hammock of Harper's was just getting the regular salt-water swing when his knots untied and he came down on the broad of his back with such a jar that the smell boy felt called upon to observe : " That ain't no way to level a lawn— you want to use a regulai roller ! " After the victim had recovered cousciousness, he crawled slowly out, gently rubbed his back on an apple tree, and slowly disap- peared around the corner of the house in search of some weapon which would annihilate the hammock at one sweep, and though the boy called to him again and again, asking if a minstrel per- formance was to follow the regular show. Mr. Harper never turn- ed his head nor made a sign.— Detroit Free Press. EULES FOR LADIES TRAVELING ALONE First— Be sure you know where you want to go before you get on the train Second— When you purchase your ticket you will have to pay 20 SOME FUXNF THINGS. for it ; DO use to tell the ticket agent to - charge it and send the ^2 or LTf mm'"'-" ^"' '' ^" ^^y^ *^^ l-i- «^ the ticket i $2.96 don t tell him you can get one just like it of tlie conductor or at the other store for $2.50; he wont believe you and he mav laugh at you. *^ ' ** lilJ^^al'^^T^'r" ''T'"^ '''^^^°"* "^^°">^- I<^ ^'^q^ires broad views hberal education , keen discernment and profound judgment to aXdUoir ""''• ""' '"' ''" '° '^^^ successful buUramps Fourth— Beware of the commercial traveler Fifth-Don't give a stranger your ticket and ask him to so • out and check your trunk. He will usually be only too ^1 ad to do It And what is more he will do it, and your tr/nk wifl be so effectually checked that it will never catch up with you again And then when the conductor asks for your ticket, and you rS to him tins pleading little allegory about the s ranger and tl^ baggage, he will look incredulous and smile down upon you from half, closed eyes and say that it is a beautiful romance, but he C heard it be ore. And then you will put up vour jewelry or dis embark at the next station. jcweiry oi ais- eTcetntly.'^ ''^'^ ''' ''-' ^ ^^^^^ W^y^ ^S? b^'l^ng Seventh-Call the br keman -conductor; " he has grown nroud since he got his new nniloim, and it will flatter him ^ Eighth-Put your shawl-strap, bundle and two paper parcels in the hat raclc^^hang you^ bird cage to the corner of it so that when 1 falls oil it will drop into the lap of the old gen leman SI tmg beyond you, stand your four house p) ^c TthtltT .ill, set your lunch basket on the seat b H. i^ fold 'T shawls on the top of it, carry your pocketb ^^e hand*and hold your silver mng in the other, put vour two valise^inW .] seat, and hold your bandbox and the r^st o* vou\ tl iu..! lap. TiK^n you will have all your bngoa^^e^ handv a T IT worried or flustei.d about it Uen /.^'tvro Iv'terl'^ seconds in winch to change cars. " ^^^niy nme Ninth-Addiv.s the conductor every ten minutes. It pleases him to have you notice him. If vou can't, fl.inV ./ll _ .1' (luebLion 10 ask him, ask the same old one pvpvv Vjm« "^Yi "''"''' caJl him " Say " or " Mister." ^ *'""'• ^^^^^ end the ticket is Qductor and he I views, neut to tramps Q to go glad to 11 be so again. I relate nd tbj u from he has or dis- 1 SOME FUyNY THINGS. to get at you i doing proud )arcel8 that leman indow lar » d and er the t your n't be j'-nine leases iiOW Iways Tentt — Pick up all tho information you can while traveling. Open the window and look ff^rward to set how fast the engine is going. Then when you gt t home you can tell the children about the big cinder you picked up with your eye and how nice and warm it was, and what it tasted like. Eleventh — Don't hang your parasol on the cord that pasoes down the middle of the car. It isn't a clothes line. It looks like ^ one, but it isn't. I Twelfth — Keep an eye on the passenger who calls the day after I Monday " Chewsday." He can't be trusted a car's length. Thirteenth — Do not attempt to cban .,8 a $20 bill for any one if you have only $9.25 with you ; it can't be done. Fourteenth — If you want a naj , always lie with your head projecting over the end of the seat, into the aisle. Then every- body who goes up and down the aisle will mash your hat, straighten out your frizzes, and knock off your back hair. This will keep you from sleeping so soundly that you will bs carried by your station. — Burlington Haickei/e. ? A LIVE CAR DPIVER. Of course the Galveston street car company can not be per- sonally acquainted with every ca- -driver who is employed. The other day a young, jovial fellow was engaged. He had never had any experience, but he was a Hve man, chuckfull of life and spirits, in fact. A stout old man, with his coat over his arm, was waiting for the car to come up. As the car came up, the jovial driver reached out and bit the old gentleman (who is one of the wealth- iest men in Galveston) a sharp cut with his wnip about his cir- cumference, calling out to him at the same time : "I'll bet you the beer tiint I'll beat you to the next curve, old boss." Now, there is nothing in the world funnier than to see a little fat, bald-headed old man in his shirt sleeves, mad as a wet hen, chasing a street car attached to a galloping mule. The race was a close one for the first hundred yards, but then the old man's wind gave out, and he was taken off the track and carried home in a carriage. At all ©vents the driver got to the eurve first, 22 SOME FUNNY THINGS. amazeni-ut. * "'" '"' f*"" P^'-ff^^Uy Wank with •' wi'lf Il'l'l^n'"' f "';' " "^'"^'l ""0 "f ""> drivers. -^_J...scco,,,o,.ut.o,. Lave u„ u.,e for a live man _«„tl,! I! 1 1 •" THE TRAGEDIAN'S KID. grpvelv alonrr wifh ■ 1\ / ^'^-y^^^-ol^- wlio was walking Kraj-ka. I.- ro|,lu.d the mUiZ i,„, |v' •• \u7j , T'^ ''*•''■ tho«l,„u,l.l..si„o for a fa. h^,:Z^'''~wl.t^'"'"tZ'^ much puzzll..] at the ev.denrea -noshu.s ' of 'e .U^f "-"' 'Jivtlu. nu- patiei.cv Htavs upon niy eo.nin.' " r,oo7L - "«IU .Jclil Oft'n ioOKIDir t\n «• Ol. t 4l »■ ,1 • .. •ysi!i,,/i :(.::vr£n::T=rr;-r '-'■''■■•" "^^^ SOME FUNNY THINGS. as . The 1 as he r a few c with on the Why, didn't low it Iveston r. my icked Iking day, 16 to lated ^kid nan, 1 are onie 1 1)6 )in^ >nl I ibor the 1 at iug WANTED TO KNOW. Yesterday a colored Justice of the Peace came to the city to Renter complaint. He wore a pair of cotton pants, and his shoes I had been out so often at the toes that he looked as though he I wore claws. I " Whar's de Provoke Marshal's? " he asked of a man on the I street. i "The who?" I " De Pro"^ke Marshal.'' ' " You mean tl:e United States Marshal, don't you ?" '• No, sah. I \vi«nts de Provoke Marshal. I'm a Justice ob de I Peace. I holds courts, and Ise up heah to see what I can do in I case ob contempt. I heared de udder day dat a man was fotch I up heah for 'spressin' hisself in de newspaper, and I wanter know if I kin do anything wid a man fur 'spressin' hisself in I 'gards to my court ? " " What is your case ? " " Why, you see, a feller was fetched up afore me on a predic- tion dat he stoled a hog, Wlnle de cause was undergoiu' a hearin' a ornery white man said dat he knowd dat de feller didn't steal de hog, and dat 1 could nt 'vict him. It was in de proof dat he didn't steal de hog, but, jest because de feller sed dat I couldn't 'vict de man, I did 'vict him. Well, den, de feiler went ober de creek, and said dat i didn't know as much law as de hog. Now, I wander know ef I kin 'rain dat ornery rascal aiore me an' fine him $10 and costs ?" The colored gentleman was referred to higher authority.— Little Hock (Ark.) (iazfttf. TIOW IT WAS FIXED. A stranger, bearing that seedy, rusty outline whicli fastens to a man who lives on free Innclics .and sleeps under stairwavs, walked boldly into a Woodward avenue store the other day and aslied for the pioprietor. After some leniarks about the weather, " 1 am obligetl to acknowledge that 1 am somewhat embar- rassed. If 1 .-ould secure a loan of $'2.0 ol you until I reach 24 !=■ |i! n HOME FVNxr Tsmos. Cincin^nati I would then forward mj check and be greatly ■■But I doD-t know you,- replied the merchant name " S. Mortimer Mont-omer " ^^'Wmg paper the "Are you in basiuess th"re '? '' apply el,.ewi,ere. He b u^-d h L ''"^ t""'''™ """ ''« """^t tour, au.l said : """'" ""*• I"" "turned in half an an;!:t;, p- .i!:i™:r wouM -r^ "r-":' /-' '■•- 1™"-. -e Btat,ug tiua o„ would Vu d s c v ''*'' ''1 "'^"'« "" " ''"e eamea^au, andhe»oe,u,'lnn: er^oHf ' "'"' ''"'"^^ l"* plamed. ' " Thev s^w . T ^""^"'^^ satisfaction," ho ev Uiscoverod from 1^" s mbCr It" '"'" V" ^^"^^' -^ '-- Ail you've got to do s tj^^:,t ;^^"?^'•^ riglit.- ^"^ ^''^"''' ^^^a delusion and 111 be all Tile merclmnt looked nf liir>-. ,.-;n i -eut, and n, tin» nut! "urs;;;',!;;;';*:":" '" ■'''^'"' ^°^ -^ »<>■ and li "r"'i;'"v;;';:/::;i; l;;:: i-'^ '"- , ^'t «- « --'ache our look, ch.su- io.. . , I a, ' ' 1 .'■'"' "" " ™'''" >"■'"« day; eve.yth.u,.^l;,;;;;;^;j:!'^5,r;;:;;^^,twi^ GooS A TRIFLING IXCONVENIENCE. ".:«^;!::::,:":;; j!^;,^::^:!:zl^:-f-'- -p ti.c chimney, .„L^:!!-:.' ™,'-.' "" ..»'■■;, '„•,":■•. re»„';,:„;',:,v\;': ":^;:i. u .,;; ir;;:;;: r:.;;:™' '""-"^ "v ...to the cmice audihatin; a SOyrE FUNNY THINGS. "You don't Bi ;ipose it is up there, do you?" asked Mrs, Spoopendyke. •' W.'rjic did you leave it ? " " Left it in rny shirt. Where dj yon suppose I left it?— in the hash?" and Mr. Spooi>endyke t( f^d over the things in his wife's writing: desk, and looked out of ' indow after it. " Where did you leave you*- sh... .'' " asked Mrs. Spoopendyke. " Where did T leave my shirt ? Where do you suppose I left it ? Where docs a man generally leave his shirt, Mrs. Spoopen- dyke? Tliink I left it in the ferry boat? Got an idea I left it at the prayer meeting, haven't yori? Weill didu't. I left it off, Mrs. Spoopendyke, that'^ wljere T left it. I left it off. Hear me?" A.nd Mr. Spoopendyke pulltd the winter clothing out of the Cedar chest that hadn't been unlocked for a montli. " Where is the sliirt now," peisisted Mrs. Spoopendyke. " Where do you suppose it is ? Where do you imagine it is? I'll tell you wjiere it is, Mrs. Spoopendyke. its gone to Bridgeport as a witness in a 'and suit. Idea ! Ask a man where his shirt is ! Yon know I have not been out of the room since I look it off; " and Mr. Spoopendyke sailed dov/n stairs and laked the fire out of the kitchen range, hut didn't find t)ie button '* Maybe you lost it on the way home," suggested Mrs. Spoop- endyke, as her husband came up hot and angry, and began to pull a stuffed canary to pieces to see if tiie button had got inside. " Oil, yes, very likely ! I stood up against a tree and lost it. Tlien I hid it behind a fence so I wouldn't see it. That's the way it was. If I only had your head, l.'rs. Spoopr-idyke, I'd turn it loose as a razor strop. I don't know anything shar]>er than you are; " and Mr. Spoopendyke clutched a handful of dust off the top of the wardrobe. " It must have fallen out," mused ^frs. Spoo]iendyke. *' Oh ! It must, eh ? M, nnist have fallen out ! Well. I declare, I never thought of that. My impression was that it took a buggy and drove out, or a balloon and hoisted (uit ; " and Mr Spoopeu- d\ke crawled behind the bureau and commenced tearing up the caipet. " And if it fell out it must bo Homewherc near where In left liis sbiit. Now he always throws his shirt on tlie lounge, and the butt(m is under that." r» iri.iTnrnT. s s« ■" icii mOOIi eMtitbiiMheu the mfalibiiity oi Mrs. Spoopendyke's logic. " Oh, yes ! found it didn't you? panted Mr. Spooiwudyke, as 26 m SOME FUNNY TRU/GS. auy more, au,^ mavbe you^ril. "^ ''"''^ "? " "'"'■*'»" o"* lounge, DOW that i* ' as caL,i ?„ t t"""?' '» ■"'"^ '!■»* tended to the house as I do ^^ ? "'""''' "'"''''''^- " yo'i only difficulty about lo^L" 1 ^^nt Xu^t™ '" "'' ''""'"' "»-' >« "'^ " Wrsn-t e)7 f""~'^ '^«'"' M'-Spoopo.dyke. bg forTnc; t; ^S'-" '°"'" '""' ""-^ ""' y«»'- been look- " Yes." findUr'''^' Now where did you put it? Where did you " In your overcoat pocket. "-/i,,>.A/y„ Ea.le. FOOD FOK SHE BEAKS. HOW .N -Q-SmVE SM... .OV'S IHUmTrxo QHESTZOKS BHOUOHT HIM A QUARTER ANO BOXED EARS. boJXtd^^atl;.^^^^^^^^^ ^y 1- son. a very s.ali worn expression hanging over her f«.. rl ^T.^"" ^'^^ ^ ^'*^^- manyof the rapid que^ttonsTsk^d kH/ZJ^^ *^"«'^^^ ^^^^' '^"d unconscious sighs. ^ '^"^ ^^-^ were answered by "Ma," said the bov " ^b<.* r,.™,,- n . , pointing to a bald4ieo£a min^.r • ^^" ? ^^^^' ain't he'?" " Hush." ^'*" ^'"'"^ J^«t in front of them. " \\ hy must I hush '^ ' thaf man's IfeL r ""'"'^ "'^"'"= ' " ""' -1""» "■« matter with ''wht-s'b!:i^f^"- "^^ "»"■•■ ;;H.-headhas,rt^,otauyhaironit." I 'Id it oouie oif :>' " I guess so." ** Will mine cone oflfy" " Some time, mav bo " •• Tl>".. fii I.- 1 .1 ■ . - .< \' V. ' " ^" "'*"'. wi.ii i i r ' les. SOME FUNNY THINGS. 27 Ma, look at that "Will you care?" " Don't ask so many questions." After another silence, the boy exclaimed fly on that man's head."' " If you don't hush, I 'iip you when we get home." * "Look ! tliere's anot' .. x. /. Look at 'em fight ; look at 'em!" " Madam," said the man, putting aside a newspaper and look- ing around, " wliat's tlie matter with that young hyena ?" The woman blushed, stammered out something, and attempted to smooth back the boy's liair. ycu f " One fly, two flies, three flies," said the boy, innocently, fol- lowing with his eyes a basket of oranges carried by a newsboy. " Here, you young hedgehog," said the bald-headed man, " if you don't hush, I'll have the conductor put you off the train." The poor woman, not knowing what elso to do, boxed the boy's ears and then gave him an orange to keep him from crying. " Ma, have I got red marks on my head ?" " I'll slap you agpin, if you don't hush." " Mister," said the boy, after a short silence, " does it hurt to be bald-headed?" "Youngster,' said the man, "If you'll keep quiet, I'll give you a quarter." The boy promised, and the money was pr.id over. The man took up liis paper and resumed his reading. " This is my bald-headed money," said the boy. " When I get bald-headed, I'm goin' to give boys money. Mister, have all bald- lieaded men got money ?" The aunoyed man threw down his paper, arose, and exclaimed : " Madam, hereafter when you travel, leave that young gorii'% at liome. Hitherto, I always thought that the old prophet was very cruel for calling the she bears to kill children for making sport of his head, but now I am forced to believe that he did a Clirif-'tiau act. If yo ;r boy had been in the crowd, he would iiave died first. If I can't find another seat on this train I'll ride on the cow-catche.' ri'ther than remain here." "The bald-headed man is gone," said the boy ; and the woman leaned back and blew a tired sigh from her lips. — Little Iu>rk (iazettf. OQ »OMB FUNXT THINOS. EXPLAINING A JOKE. «cnber- how manv^a Ions oL'.' 7 ft" ^"^™ " ^ ^ub- tl.e Province of P.inc EXa/d T iti f.^^ ^''^^ "^^^^'^^'l ^rom consequently in a verv tl^Ho l ^ "' T,' •'''•^' '^'^^' ^"^ ^^^ [mt, mopped In. munly bro v "ffl^o r ' . i^^^', "''^*^^ *«°k off his before the newspaper LanseVV^^"^ ^^'°^'?^'^^^^' ^"^ I'^^^^d " Wen Si. Jo e, h Po^ fe, .1 ' / ^'^^''°" ^^^'«" ^^« ^"^"ten : half-and-haif-pSltr pilf;^'^;!?.^^^^ ^^"^P^^->' -i'^ be treated to MVhan:';t^:^r"'"^' ^*' ^°^^^^ "^ -^^ -claimed: ;; It i.sjnsfc a little joke, you see." ^.^^^W.^. the rlay «„ word.-a p„., y„„ kL^^'lporter and in tliHt, co„„ectio„ r' ' *" »''''""' *" "«» '»« """"e in the paper acte'7,f : ,tlt'.'" ^™'" ''— Sir Joseph Porter i, a char to kill a man '.hZ'an^'^'" "'™'^-f'>"y- Any attempt ■• You »eo ,1,0 w„l ."t'il" '>''';''"''' "'" '"""""'•■ i"''"- an.l hier, l>,„t,., „ " '" *"" P'"''' '"> "'» words- orter .vou catch tl,„ ,;' .a';!;,"'.;-'' "> »I1«I l.alf-and.half. ' n!w ''WhvlleSmi'i'j^^'-^^"^-^^^^^^^ -.xed^it;!:;;:;^,;;]:;; -Pi-H^^^ Y^^^ sa.d poster and bee. "^'1", It ,. a ii<,„oi- • and hn^ f ^'"^ ^'^ P"'"*^'' ^^ '^«t a "^^"t that's'the HM Y , V' ''?" ^ 'I'^'^ beer right." ferent meanings an o .,,! T ^)''' '^'' ^^"''^^^ have dif- fi,„„..i . I _ . '^ "'"' ''"<^ ^^anle sound Ff ,2 *„ i...-. _ . tiatter mysdf^' ^'^ '^'''" '°"^«Vh that 1 have tried, and I SOME FUNNY THINGS. U " No, no," interrupted the newspaperman, "not flatter. Your [grammar is at fault. The joke is flat, not flatter." At thif point, some of the people in the sanctum interfered, land the enemy beat a graceful retreat without any casualties. HE WAS USED TO PLAIN TALK. A Detroit bobtail car overtook a man with a hand-truck of ancient make, walking m the middle of the street. He inquired if the car went to the railroad track, and then got aboard. There were several passengers in the car, and as he stood in the door he looked from one to the other and said : " If I am intruding don't hesitate to tell me so. I like people who speak right out, and I am used to plain talk." No one objected, and he took a seat, crossed his legs, and said to himself : " I'll bat they never built this car for less than fifty dollars 1 I'm glad the old woman isn't here. If she should see how it's fixed up, she'd never let up on me till I tacked one to the house. I'll never ride on a wool wagon again when I can jog along in a chariot like this. It's got more whidows than a bee-hive.'' As he made no move to pay his fare the driver rang the bell. " Got bells on here, eh ? mused the plain man. "Now, who'd a-thought they'd have gone to such an expense as that. Folks here in town are right on the stylf, no matter wliat it costs." The driver rang again and again, and seeing that it did no good, he finally opened th*^ door and said : " You man in the corner there, you didn't nay >our fare !" "My fare! AVliy, tliat's so ! ilungcd if I "hadn't forgotten uU about it ! Were you ringing that bull for me :' " " That's too bad ! Wliy didn't you open tliat door long ago and si;y to nio : ' llcii', yon old jjolato top, if you don't ) ass up yuUi uiniitu i 11 iauu you iii ihe niiui I' I ni a }»lain man and I UJ'ver get niiirtd at ]>laiii talk. Take the damage out of this half dollar." — DctroU FrtMi Vveaa. ^'ii i ^': ^ SOME FUNNY THINGS. THEY MET AND PARTED. Monnti;^t?e;^^ ^\f as they turned into the ,ame ; you walk downihe teeT^^^^^ ''\^ ^'^•^' "^«^« ^^ house. When the lady answ '. In ^ .T^ ^^ ^'" ^^ «°^^« had anything to earL th/ee davs t/^'I '^"' ^^^ ^^^^^'^ care tell her that vou are desperate -InH f ' .'^^'^ '^^ d«°'t crime. If she starts to slam^thp 1 ''^'^^, ^'^ ^^"^^i** any your foot and roll your eyeT and tZ '° ^'" ^"]^ ^* «^^^° ^^^^ about then, and I'll take ^ou by thP LTT* ^'^^ "^"^« J"«* p;tch yo„ o.t of the yard. Pni tht i J T. ^^°" ^°"°^' and of the hour, you see 111 1^ V P^^^^ctor and the hero t^ll her I'ra a stranger and uppJ '^"^ "^^^f* ^°^ ^^^^ «^' but I'll hand it over and TMl "^ ^'"'^^^^^ <^o huy food. She'll See.'- ^^^,J^^^'::;^^:^^i^^ corner and dt-d" United States Senate ! Wd hert t t " t?"" """^^^ *^ ^^ ^^ *he street and selected the house nn^ fi^ ^ ^^'^^^ down the followed out until he reached L P^^^^^^ ^as carefully desperate. At that fns^ant tt h«ll ^S'""* ^^''' ^' '^'^ ^^ ^as and a six-foot husband shot onf^/u u"^-^^"". T^ P""«^ ^ide open, No. 2 clear off the lower si " Vn ^' "^-^^ ^^^°^ ^"^ ^^^««ked ^'•-: footer thought he mi^ht ^as well k "?' ^w\ '"'^*°^ '°' and 80 he gaye him one on the aw Tnd wf ? ^'J^'. ^^**^ °°« «<^«^«' on their prostrate bodies he li" fT ^^''^^ "{.talking around tramps hmped down to /Ip 1 ^ i T Z''^" *^« ^^"ce. The A FEMALE WITNESS. krinw . I- , ""V -'^'^M- ; 'nterriiTited Hn hhp»-/l <« t ifuow uii wluch SK e of your honsp fJ,n f '^""^f'^'^. I want to east or west ? " ^ "'^ **'^ ^^ '''^- ^« »t north, south, " It's on this side" replied thfihul,. ^...•....:._ ..... J^"e east side '^ " .- ■ — .^g witu iier hand "No." J SOME FUNNY THINGS. n ♦' The west side ? " " No, its straight across from Mrs. B's parlor window, not ^wenty feet from it, yon " •Mrs. ," shouted the lawyer, "will you tell me if that L is )n the east, west, north or south of your house ? " It ain't on any side of the house," replied the witnee s, com- iressing her lips ; " It's at the end. You know as well as I do, You've seen it many a time, and there aint no use " ' Come, come, Mrs. ," interrupted Judge Cromer, " tell the gentleman where the L of your house is bli^uated." " Havn't I been telling him just as plain as I could ? " " Where is the L situated ? " said Hubbard desperately. " Eight m the lot, back against the end of the house. " Will you answer my question," shouted the affable lawyer [running up his hair in desperation. " What question ? " " Is the L on the east, west, north or south side of the house ?" " Judge, I've told him just as plam as ever a woman could, I didn't come here to be insulted by no one horse lawyer. I know him and his father before him. He ain't got no business putting on aire. What kind of a family " " Silence ! ' thundered the judge. " Now Mrs. , which side of your house does the sun rise o" ? " " That one," said the witness, indicating. >' Is the L on that side '? " •* Yes, sir. " Then it's on the east side ? " '• Yes. " Why didn't you say so, then ?" asked the exasperated lawyer. " Cause you never asked me, you thick-headed old fool. I know a thing or " " That will do," said Hubbard. " Take the witness," he added, turning to Tom Wren, the opposing counsel. THE CENTENNIAL FIEND. He coiimteuceu hh hv seated liims^lf iu lue sanctum : " When T was at the centennial — "' " Great Scott I " thought the city editor. "He's turned up 32 soMj^ funny things. again after so many years of blessed peace and silence," and be cut tbe stranger's sentence sbort by burling tbe dictionary at bim. Tbe stranger dodged, and came up witb a melancboly smile, repeating : " Wben I was at tbe centennial — " Tbe paste pot folio weJ tbe dictionary, but tbe stranger didn't seem to mind it any more tban if it was a lly. He fastened bis eye on tbe city editor and repeated : " Wben I was at tbe centennial — " "Man," said tbe city editor, "Life is too sbort and business too pressing to li.iten to any old centennial yarns." "Wben I was at tbe centennial — " " Dry up ! ' yelled tbe city editor. "Go oft" and die," bowled tbe telegrapii editor. " Gail a Doliceman," growled tlie managing editor. Tbe man arose, ])uttoned bis coat up to bis cbir., i)umd bis hat down over bis eyes, tbrust bib binds into bis pockets, and strode out of tbe room. He paused en tbe tbresboid and re- marked, as fast as be could talk : " Wbenr.va.attbecentennialof tbe battle of Monmouth I met a man from Des Moines wbowas killed a-icidently and I was going totellyouaboutit, butyou areso blamed smart and so cussed pre- vious I guess I won't." And thus was a good item lost on a very dull day. — Das Moines Reijiater. NOT QUITE HAEMOXIOUS. Tboy drove into town Monday behind a cross eyed mule and a spaviiitd horse. Tiiey looked contented, but one member of the party was tbe head (»fthe I'ouse, for she handled the ribbons, and when they lialtid she hitched the t.^am. while lie st')od demurely by and took thf basket c»f eggs and iua- shopping sate'iel as she hainltnl tlu'iii oiit. Tlit y ui.-posed of their produce at thegrucury, and then entend a drv goods store. !Shc made a ttw tiifliiig inivcbases of thread, puis, needles, and bueij iijiii^;^!;, ami liieli ciiiiLU im tuu iviJoit> oi wtiu. " That wou"t be enough, Mary," said tbe man, pluckmg at her dress. SOME FUNNY THINGS. 33 "I guess I know what I'm buying." she retorted. "But it a'n't more'n half what you've had afore," he persisted, " Wal, that's none o' your bisness ; these socks are goin' to be for me, and if I want 'em short, you can have your'n come way up to your neck if you want to." The old man bowed to the inevitable with a long sigh as his partner turned to the clerk and said : " Two vards of cheap shirtin', if you please." «' That^a'n't enough, Mary," said the old man, plucking at her dress again. "Yes "tis." " No, it a'n't." " Wal, it's all you'll git," she snapped. , , , , " Put it up then, mister," said he, turning to the clerk ; " put it up and we won't have any." "Who's doin' this buyiu' I should like to know ?" hissed the woman. -, , i ij. i " You are, Mary, you are," he admitted ; " but you can t palm off no '^hort shirts on me." " Y ai act hke a fool, John Spiner." " Mebbe I do, Mary, but I'll be dumed to gosh if 1 11 have half a shirt— no, not if I go naked.' . i • *. -. " Wall, I say two yards is enoagh to make any onetwo sliirts, she snapped. , . ^ . . , " Mebbe that's enough for you, Mary," he said very iiuetly ; " p'raps you can get along with a collar button and a neck band. but that a'n't me ; and I don't propose to freeze my legs to save ""'^"'g!? what you want, then !" she shrieked, pushing him over the stool ; " git ten yards, get a hull piece, get a dozen pieces ii vou want 'em, but remember that III make you sick for this ■ " Four yards, if you please, mister -four yards, said he tothe Avvk ■ " and just remember," he continued " i you hear of em ihulin' me with mv head busted, friz to death m a snow drift, just remember that you heard her say she'd make me s^k And grasping the bundle, he followed his better half out of the ilnor. — Fulton 'ihncs. 34 SOME FUNNY THINGS. TRUE STORY OF WILLIAM TELL. He was captain of an archery club, and one of the best shots with the bow and arrow in Switzerland. Tliat country wac then uncVr the rule of the t:yraut Gesler. One day Gesler set his ulug hf t on a pole for men to salute, and ordered that every man 111 Altorf should make obeisance to it or die. And they did, every man of them. Even the trees standmg around made their best bou^dis. Fmallv Bill Tell came along with his httle boy. He told the men of Altorf that before he would bow to Gesler' s hat he would "Altorf and stamp on it. Tliat wus the kind ot b()W-an<'' aiidw hc' was. Gesler arrested huu ou ihe spot, being luajshal of the village as well as tyrant, thus drawing a salaiy from two offices, coutrarv to the Constitution. Gesler, as a vunishmcnt lor his audacity, ordered him to shoo^ an apple oti the head of hi;, buy. Tiiis he dul, althougli it was an arrow escape fo-- young Tell. The apple fell, pieiced to the core, no encore btin'' allowed owing to the extreme ieng 'i of the performance. \^ fell rushed forward to embrace his boy, another arrow dropped o'lt ol his vcbt. "Ha ! " cried the tyrant, "wherefore concealest that arrow ? " Replied Tell, pointing to Gesler' s head-gear on toi) of the pole, " '^o «hoot that hat ! " The joke was so good tiiat Gesler re'jased him, and gave him a twenty-dollar gold piece. — Cincinnati Satnnlai/ yi[iht. IT WAS HOT. A good-natured Griswold street lawyer left his ollice uuoccu pied for an hour about 2 o'clock yesterday afternoon, and some of the jokers in the block went in and b - 1^ up a rousing hot tiie in his coal stove. He came back wi( i Ms hat m his hand and almost dead with the heat, and was met on the stairs by a lawver who said: . , "'This is the hottest yet. The thermometer m my room marks 120 deg."' "«' nSi't spem possible-. thouL'h it's a scorcher," replied the other, as he went on to his room. . He threw down his hat, took off his coat, and began fanning himself; but the harder he fanned the hotter he grew. Two or SOME FUNNY THirOS. 85 three lawyers came in and spoke about how cool his room was compared to theirs, and were greatly puzzled to account for it. Several offers were made to him to change voomn, and pretty soon he srew ashamed of appearing so overheated, and sat down to ic/tabl In live minutes his shut collar fell flat, and ip ten he hadn t any starch in his shirt. The p.rspnatiou ran about m every direction, and he seemed tc be boiling when one ol his friends looked in and remarked ■ , , , • xi ?Ah ! old boy, I envy you. You've got the cooles', room in the "11 1 " ""- Sav " said the lawyer, as he staggered over to the door, " I'm going home. I never felt so queer m all my hfe. V\ 'Ijle I ;u-v that the room is cool and airy, I'm so baked and boiled that I can t lift a hand. One drink of brandy wouldn't act tliat way on ' "^ J^l^fit;' whispered the other. " Brandy always acts that way, especially if you drink alone, lou ought to have '^^^ So ltad--so I had. Don't say a word to the bo>.- T'. niake it -ill ri-ht. I thought something mnst ail me and } was i. ittle ;!f;.!d ^wa. going ^ be sent to. Fm glad jt s m> nng senous -ril be back in about two hours. '—JMroit I ne I le-^... THE CHINESE QUESTION. Yesterdav, says the Galveston N.us, Col. (iilhooly accom- panied bvMaj Spillkins, happened to b. ..IKmg down Oalveston ^ venue when Gilhooly remembered that a few days previous he lad efi h walking-stick at the sliop of a Cl una mail close by to bile aired, so they dropped into the eHtabhshinent to ge it^ The Cliinaman was not present, so they had to wait a lew unnutes until he came in. , , . , „, „,„„,, „pni,1p have Savs Gilhooly, " I can't unders and why =^J^'^"> \^^^[™ cheap Chinese labor, and they have their rights undei tlie law. ( 'nlhooly retorted, " You are prejudiced, ^PiUkins Ju.t then Johnny Chinaman entered, all smdes. Gilhooly If: shook hmAs most cordially ^'.th the dospised irongolian, and »*^r;?, :lt';;r 'a, ::::;•• t id johnuy, ..oMmg o.,* .,. itehm, ^"'(',",iho„lv (rot ,cd h.hir.o 0,0 ears, and id : " You sallow com- ''''^.':i ea ..-.oXi why so many ,;«ndo hav-e^uch an ^m- f.,mded,, .die against Chinamen, • oh*,W fc,|..lkn,s ga ey lookfnV.ir'at the filing; " >-» a™ ""^amly i„e,ud,ced, OiL ''""'!:_ a < 'hmauian, anyhow! ■ remarked G.lhooly, glaring like a tiger at the Mongolian, who merely remarked : r^h'tS'cloXlo'^elr-ow,, business. ..avticnlarlv rn Oalveston, oWr^od K^rlUans, ruhbing the e,ul o. Ins eh.n and smiling faintly. . ,,„„■, i.,Uar to-moriow "Look neve, .loini, i h uhuo > , ,, ,, , ,. mon)in. wnon I am vassin--. Como, uuw, .hat . a good M u^. lu.n," sai.KJiUluHay, r*-rs'.msively. " Half-aolkf liihtlee," said the Chninmnn. .. liLOCKEl) THK rUADE. A citi/eu of CasB avenno having; .. lesidcncc worth about *'''''';';^;ne;nrTlnv,,ga stme bund ,d,l and a .aggon ^^ili'^'d.hui^rll ov.' the road, d„.w n,. u. trout uf .he ph-^ '' :• iti'rr'ha 7^ fiir .ale .. ■■ ,.ro,u,,tly ...,,.ired the darkey HB ho ilropi'd the reins. "Yes, Kir," waH the rerly. ^^ .. «' What your very lowest lij^^'erH, sali : " Sixteen thoUHiUi'l dollars.' " Dat mcloodes do back yard an all, 1 spo^e. " Yen, Bii- ' SOME FUNNY rnTNUf. 3T The oia man got dowu, looked over the fence and reered "rit«''nmcrwl^>U ye l-v - on dat horse an' v,agm >f we made a trade ? " ^^ Well, ^vdmt do yc)u t .ink . ^^^^^^ ^^ y, ^.^^^^_ "What does I huk, s^ili. ^j/V^^'?; ;\° ,, ., .,,],p .^o t^ve dollars Ize williu,^' to knock oft snmthin .but I can t tako^ u for dis outtit. De boss alone cost me .ix ! -UUroit IN THE r.ECOKDER'S COVRT. Yesterday morn.n, the recorder a^^ljis entjj. ^- ^^ what startled by the sudden -ri;^;;^^^,^ c^t in an exhausted man, who rushed yuio the V^^^;' JJ V^^flike he had particnntted condition, rantui^^ b ownu, --^V^^V^^^^"^^ ^J^^^.^j^,,,^ by ,n a tbree nnlo b-at race Hi. "^^^ J^^^ ^'Xt snlit down the ;:.st, a.d las torn .dl.r ^-^^^l^^^^^Ld" hl^ild. One Lack, and lie seemed to bo f^ ^^^ f^^^ ;;;;e7. ^nc^tiier fanned Inm, l-l->--/'7"^'\'';;:^^,:^' r^,', ,1^ on and felt sorry for and everybody rUc in tlu \^'' J v,^cov.\or proceeded to see it be UU,,. He finally came to, and tl «« ^^^^ P j,,^^ j^, ,,,, ^ore knew bis catechism, as soon as it xvas (Mdent, ^"^W"'wl>"^ the matter . Dul anybody murder, or were you -:iXl'U'T';:dt:^>l..wn up in a powder milbbi^^^ ••'■^! -;^ir;'u' r;'s^^ -K- -^ tl. amdavit;- remarked ll't' •■''^'''''''''"- ,. 1*1 lUfh. m.m vnbbin'' his noseon bis ■hivt sle km p. ,,, Kiu.sv It 11.' ^ , , . ,;„. the ri'dittc^ kick me over a tue-lool „n Ninety-si.venth s re(-t ' "^ ^ ;';,„,,„,«^.eH bcr t.. taunt me '— ' ' --^ V: ';;::::■ :[.;tJ::^H^;otlie^.ntler sex a„d I am that way uit'"^v -'^ ■"=^- a man? 38 SOME FUNXY THINGS. The recorder looked dubious, and said he was not prepared to fTuess who \v;i . the nominee of the convention until be had talked witli all the delcj^'ates. The little man passed his hand soothinf]^ly over the small of his back, and said emphatically " In the whole course of my life I never — " " Now you stop," said the recorder, placing a paper weight where he could reach it, " you hav( the sympathies of the court, but if you attempt to ring in that I'ianafore gag, +his court will make "an earnest effort to so far forget herself as to sling you throiigli thiit window with such violence that you will stick on the wall of that building across the street." The little old man looked across the street at the place he was liablo to adhere to, and s iis a day, just as if hasii was not tlie best thuii-! ill the world. It clears tlie voice, plenty of hash dors. Then you wanted all kinds of attt ution shown you. ^'on wanted to bo waited o i all the time. If you had your way, fhc widdv wouldn't do anvthing except sit at the piano all night and plav. Father. Dear I'alher. Come Ibum; with Me Now, (u- Mrct M. Whore the Fiownts l>i(M>p. You see. I know all a))out you gay old eh. Tubs. No doubt you tried to worry and oppress thebuH'sonie widdv bocaus*^ she had no use for such an old rattle tr-ip of a eollee mill as you are. You gruuibled about the oleo- margarine, just as it the" scieiiti^t c hiidn t decided it is the only healtl:v butter there is. I e\peet you wanted the widdy t(» stanil Inhind \oiu chair and I p the tiies o\\ yon winle you wrestled with tlie hash \nn took advant'»ge of her beeauM> she was poor SOME FU: VY THING-. 39 1 „ nWmnllv T know no distinc- .nd had to keep a ^^;^:l,,^:^^, personally the boardtoRhouse keepev -"J ''>,;;;'^'- ,■':' „ ,he ^vo„ld do a ^ood r;;:tr 'int"etr:.,SJTr >^|e;p «„ ta... . «U1 be --r iSl:li:r»ar:Sce^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^-e .a.d, -H wa» the ''''' «"cnrse, it wa« the cat," -'f *''-/Xre"Vemavked the old .. I thout;ht there was to be no Pmalort, man, timidly. ,.,, ,,„„,i„n you to a dnngeon "Don't you mtemtpt me. oi ^ '•"°'^"^.„„; ,„„„ before you cell. As I was sayinR, the <=l'''f"^° ^ , "'"^t" „( the «lass where are up, and carry off your ^1- *;» V^tou keep' yonr door vouhave put them m soak. ^^ '"^ ^^ „; ,.„,„. ^-hiskers, and locked ■> They spill the "^'-f y°» tt a.nner table. Own up. thev talk -l''-Vr'".';.\';J;i:: nd .h,a s the reason you don t now; you can t buai tluiaitu, like them." n__x ..^^iv wi :. I had a chance .. I don-t ohjeet to children ''^ ^^ ^^7;/^, 1 ,nerelv req st.d t,, drown Bomc of them when they |^^^ ^^^ ^ eomi.elled to leave h,.- to correct her clnldren or ^^ ^^^%^^ l',ephed that a tho hou.se. She >-^n>lH.d with K mt ^^ ^^ ; ^^^^. ehildren.' ,,,,,,, of her a.^e .>u,h to ho al . ^o - ^^^^ ^^^^^ ^^^j^the .' WpU, now, f.nv.' us the tubk an nniu i ^^^^^^ ^^^^ ^ ^^{^ ,,.,use? Ifs there- yet, isn t it. 1 i ■ l.rick two-story house '? suddenly, without any prepara- i'YeM I lott the house— lelt itsuaauiiN, turns,' sHuUl.eHutY.ivrsoWiunly. ^,^,,, o •• resumed .^ You didnt lin-.er at ^^'^\^f '.^^'^J "•, . for "the second hell, .he recorder. " Von vu'ut ^^'^ '; '\. •\';,;^ ,„ur hat, and your Vou left n..t only the hou^.s 'U > ^ ^, ^^^^ i,^,^, ,d ..n ,,,,t, and ahout r.O ,H.r cent, ot ^^' '';^^^;\ ^^^^._ P,„hul.ly if >->" --■harefoot.dh.:.d Shj- >-»i;;^^ ^^^^L^ve fraetund y.nir ,,,aut dodK'ed tlH> t.rst >^';''-. T' • J' aheliud you soar (you ,l,„n. Th.Mi.^xtkic -''^"' >^ ^ ,t vard over tho ience „,, sore yet 1. .a ,t)--soar out. . «- . ^^^^^^^^ ^^ , You wil N lu nViriniliiiUg :::::: ::.•:. -.■ -i- •: country as a cremntion furnace You can make vours of blue if you want, but you don't make mine o f red, that's all. SOcfE FUNNY THINGS. 41 . There's a prettv ^^^f ^^^^ ^fX^vrLt' if yon think 1 am -Most indubitably, ^^^^-^P^TSi beach in the capacity of .oins to masquerade around Manhattan beac .^ ifend ^hat f iam you haven't yet seized ^y'^ll'^^^Z^ around looking I Si benefit by the waters any more b go a. ^ ^ i,^ ]£ a Santa Cruz -m ^^J^^, ^e look hke a Fulton - Would yiu want it all m on i ^^y^I^ft-.y H on to-nigl.t, • sa.d M. SpoopendyUe. eyei.g .t ask- ipake it all arms lor / "^/ ^ .. Y,X ^.t ote leg into .1.0 s oovo. ^ ^^ ^ it. .. !•" got to get it on s.ae way . Ur ^^^^^.^ tl.ey belong^ Don t yon know -«>^«'' 'l^'w A X-ii J. -> ^VUeve floes tlu» Wliat d'ye think 1 am, an> now. IrffRO?" ,o, ,1 . il,„ iiliicc tor tliat leg- ,J^: , Wi>at .V,. tf;;j- ' Ut" onlobody el.o. I am t f "■"' '"i'':in"t ni.,;: b-n«-« -i- v-'- '^^-^ ^"" •*• '--■ twinB. 1 can I. a family machine -^ _ .^ ,^ ^^^ . tj^ey-ro^Hleeves. ^^ ^^^^^^ '« Those oUiei piii-- -••- - fhere'' V^hy hiu t "•-J -i ' .. What are they domg dov^n there 42 SOME FUNNY THINGS. where they belong ? What are they there for-snow shoes ? bpose I m going to stand on my head .0 get iD.y arms in those holes ? - I don't think you've got it on right," suggested Mrs. Spoop- endyke. "It looks twieted." ^ '' That's the way you told me. You said, ' Put this leg here and that one there, and there they are. Now where does the rest of me go ? dvk7 "^^^^ '* accordi ig to the pattern," sighed Mrs. Spoopen- " Then it's All right, and it's me tliafs twisted," sneered Mr. Spoopeudyke. " I'll jiave my arn,^ and legs altered. All I want IS to have my legs jammed in the small of my back and my arms I oii^ ""^wT ':/'''' '^I ?*• ^^^^^^ ^'^ y«" *^1^« ^o^- ^ pattern, a crab? \\ her d you fand the lobster you made this from ^^ bpose I m gmng mto the water on all fours? I told vou I ThTir'cov^er - ''''*' ^^^°'* ^ " ^'^ ^ ^^^ anything about a " ^ *^'l"v''r ^^^^o" ^^*^^ ^^ °^ ^'"^ try it on over again it'll work " reasoned Mrs. Spoopeudyke. "Oh of course. I've only got to humor the blasted thing. Ihat s all 1,, wants, and Mr. Spoopeudyke wrenched it off with a growl. " Now pull it on," said Mrs. Spoopeudyke. Mr. Spoopeudyke went at it agam and reversed the original order ot disposmg his limbs. „ '> ^'^v^^7 'T ■ ^f- ^"'''^''^- " T^^^t's the way you meant it to go . u hat s these things flopping arouud here '> •ec'tedl"' '^'^ ^^'^ ^''^''' "" '^^'''''''^^" «»»^^ ^fi-s- Spoopeudyke, de- " What are thev doing up here ? I see ; oh. 1 see, this is sn,.- posed ,. represent me making a dive. When I get tlii.s on, Im going Jirad fn-st. Where's the balance ? Wheie's the rest •> Give me tlie suit that represents me head up," and Mr. Spoopendvko uaneed around the room in fury. "■'list turn It over," my dear, said Mrs. Spoopenayke, " an.l you are nil rigiit." ^ "Ilow^m I going to turn it over ?" veiled Mr. Spoopeudyke bpuse I ni going to carry around a steam boiler to turn" me over WnHM 1 vvuiif fl.^ ^.fl,. >. ^...1 .,r . going to hiie a man to go around with «fiair> uiillii '1' a L' riddle h i^poon auJ turu SOME FUNNY THINGS. 43 .e overuse a flap-i^c. Just t. rjease this dog-p.asted bathing ^„lt , D'ye tbiuk I work oy wots ?^^^^ ^^^^^ ^.^^. „ ^,^^^j j,,,. Sp^p* ^ho hegjn .^;- 1'- uTur^ nTto the cemng, and " ' Mr. Spoopendyke kicked «>^ f '^^Yj ^^J^e out all right, and tirhr:ei\n:p%T/:-;Td hiniseinn .he^^^^^^ have done very well my '!«'''• '""'^'wlo I can distinijuish one tish you would mark *e ^^^7 JiV;,fe^t the startling spectacle to, the ott',;:,deT;geSleman Wping around the beach up- irdor' Thai? all'^-/.™,.%» /■>,/. BEOTHEB GAEDNEE ON THE WE^THEE. The Secr-.tary of the Lime ^n Club ann^^^^^^^^^^^^ cation from Bushne U, J''-;/'f 7„„estion and desired ass stance. to dis wedder question 1'*" if„,,a, if it rains, somebody an- a growl of d.spleashur -1-'] -'^„, ^a, a bone to p.ck w.d vai^oa a row, and it its ar>, "l^"^ , ^ y^^^^ whiternau-pDery " powerH above. Ebery red We^ one . ^^ .^^^^^^ ^^ ^.^ ^^^^^ ^,oken down old two cent clakc, ha. u ^^^ ^^^^ ^. ^^^^,, aat de Lord am bonii to send h m In,, ^^ ^^^ ^ 1,, wants, no matter bovit de rcBOt ^^^^ ^^^^^^^ ^ ,;uebottom, libin up dar b> ^^l^^^^^^^ J ,vhon its hot or cold worf o- garden truck back ot us ;;"^^'f^ -t, aat any odder houI ', vet or drv. he am ho agitated d«t »e U^if, ,^^^^^ ^j^. ^ , t kentry has sot ^f^^:Z^:J^^L^ ^^"^ 7 ^^1 ft f.ftv y'ars ago T come to do ^ouaus ^^ ^^^^,^^l,t on •'Z_ „. na Lawd u'lmme, no maw r ^ ^ ^^^ off mv mind .■hilblainB or rheumatics, an it Nva. h A 44 SOME FUNNY THINGS. I take it iist as it comes, keepin' de old umbrelly in good repair, an" 1 doan' kuow nuffin' 'bout almanacs, and I doan' want to."— Detroit Free I'ress. A CONDUCTOR WHO BACKED DOWN. Before the train left Bay City yesterday morning for Detroit a woman nearly six feet tall and having a complexion like a fresh burned brick, entered the depot followed by a dog almost as big as a yearling coU. Having purcliased a ticket, the woman stood beside the train until the conductor came along, when she led off with : " You have been pinted out to me as the boss of this train." " les'm," was his modest reply. " Well, I'm going to Detroit fur the old man." "Yes." " And this dog is going along with me. He goes where I <»o every time in the year." ° " Yes, he can go down in the baggage-car." "Not any he can't. That's what I stopped you for. This 'ere dog IS going 'long in this '-^re car and nowhere else !" " The ruies of the road—" " liulcs be-hanged ! My old man can be banged around by everybody, and he never demands his rights; but Lucinda hain't Ihomas — not by a jug-full !" "M. dam, let me " ' I don't want no clawing off!" she interrupted, as she peeled a pair ot black mittens of her big red hands. " I'm goin<' and the dog's going, and what 1 want to know is whether you want ^o raise a row on tiie cars or have it right now and here"!" The conductor looked the dog over and was about to shake his head, when the woman began untying her bonnet, and (un.tlv rem:., ked : i j " I s'posc. being as I am a woman, it would be no more than lair for tin' dog t^, sail in with nie. Come here, Leonidus !' " M.idam," rophed the conductor as he felt a shiver go up his legs,^^' take your dog a»id got ahoaid !" " Honest ' Ye.' .ijun HOME FUl^NY TBINOS. 45 " No row after the cars start ?" "^<'-" , . u- *i,.t „,,a rm mucli obleeged, though you ..Then that sett. « that auJlmm ^^^^^^ ^^ ^_^^ ^^^^^^^ did kinder hang off at hrst. yourself r— Detroit Free Prsss. HOW SHE GOT NOAH? A Detroit Justice of the Peace was the other day^interviewed bv a^'.manabout l«ty-fivc pais ot a„e wno ^^^ Sc would be manied on a ce.ta.n night at he Um^ ^^^^ ^^^^. l,i. Honor l'»'ll'f,"''^''^'='"f ';r!™ andra^^ltand took a -S ^i^;^:StLra^"'^':-f n,\i.i.lashort Cay ^l!:J'::;;^r«:n^-^-^^l^said,asshero.togo, afte,«l>au;iug the contents oi- her p,,e. " Oh ! r-f "mU 'Tr'rH Low the reason why ! He's ''een „,:S'o'/alue lateVbl" ' -ke h.ni toe the nrark, see .tl ^°;;i-;openot,nnguni.easaut^-U^-^^^^^^^^^ ■ Il'theTame' *°Youtll"yfbri the wLker se., dontyou .' ' •'Y-yes," softly replied the justice pont forget the .. So do 1, and 1 guess we 11 be all i gui. date." , , . ■ ,1,1 „.p,w.red to perform the cere- His Honor went out last ii.£ l-^par^rt ^^^P^^ ^^^^^^ ^^ ^^^^^ ''^irVfer The old man ^^^^^Zlt^^'^'^^ '" '-•Bam^':frgorrtiirti^"^'^^^^^^^^^^^ -' " .^^:^r.A " , _ -I -fi.£i« o lai-tge of ten "''samuel departed on hic errand, ana >>.«. - -r- „,S he returned and responded: 46 SOME FUNNY THINGS. " The old man is over to Martin's. He's got his boots off, and is whittling out a wooden cat, and I don't believe he caires two cents about being married to you or anybody else." The widow retilled her pipe, took several strong whiffs, and then said to a long-legged farmer who seemed hungry for the bridal feast ; " Moses, you go over and tell Noah I want him !" Moses departed. He was absent ten minutes, and then loung- ed in and said : " Says he is quite comfortable where he is. Guess he isn't on the marry very much." " Judge,'' began the woman as she looked around for her bon- net, " you play a game of fox-and-geese with Moses while I go over and see about this thing. There's going to be a marriage here to night, and I'll bet a new hoss-rake on it !" She was absent about twenty minutes, and then returned in company with Noah. He had neither coat nor hat on, and only one boot, and both were panting for breath. " G-go ahead. Judge !" she gasped, as she hauled the groom into the center of the room. " He heard me comi' g and g'ot out and run four times around the orchard, but here he is !" " Do you want to marrv this woman \>" ^ked the of^cial as he gave Noah a looking over. " Yaas," was the blunt renly. " Then why did you run away ?" " Spose I'm going to give right in the first thing ?" demanded the indignant Noah. "I'll go and fix up and come back." " No, darling — no you won't, my pet amethyst !" chuckled the widow. " We'll be married right here and now, boots or no boots !" Slie crowded him against the table, Moses stocd behind the pair to render any needed aid, and tlie knot was soon tied. As soon aF the ceremony was over Noah skipped out of the back door, but no one pursued. The widow called the guests to sup- per and remarked : " Sit nglit down and don't worry Rb(nit the groom. I've been nine years v orking him up to this," but he'll be a little bashful for a few weeks to come. Have some of this roast pig, ^Ir. n ..*- 3 SOME FUNNY THIN(^S. MY FIRST CIGAR. ' Twas just behind the wocdshed, One glorious summer day, Far o'er the hills the sinking aun Pursued its westward way. And in my lon'i seclr-ion, Safely rem^ ved afar From -^11 of earth's confusion, I smoked my first cigar. Ah, bright the boyish fancies Wrapped in the wreaths of blue ; My eves grew dim, my head was light. The woodshf'd round me flew. Dark night closed in around me, Ravless without a star, Grim death, I thought, had found me. And spoiled my Hrst cigar. I heard my father's smothered laugh, It seemed so strange and far ; I knew he knew, I knew he knew I'd smoked my first c^gar._^^ ^.^_^^^^ ^^^^^^^ 47 m BR( >. GARDNER'S LIME-KILN CLUB. ,, due form, "a sartm mem^^^ o ^ - — ^^ ^ -^ J,,^^ ,nto bouse an' axed me ^^ J j a^^ !^"J JoMev member hinted arouu a walkin' match. ^^,f^f ^^^Y^/^^i^^^ ^o sweep the k ntr.^ about organizin a cull d ba e all ciu .^^^^^^ ^^ ^^^^. ^. . To-day. a third member f \^ > P^/^'p,,, two long hours di. fo-tydays on de T^^^^\ IT^^'^^^^ ,,ondcved ober dese ting., aiternoon I sot on ^^ hackstoj^^^ . .^^^^^^ ^^ ,,,, an' bime-by I got ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^ -jn-enated wid some sort o .ezuns of de v ar de ^^^^^^^J [ of about six men out of vapor dat creates a desndo^ } ^^ now prevailin - !:;.^e:Srhood^l^l^^e rate^ an;^:^ J«ects^^ :;|;i^ ^iS^^t:^^:'^^^^ ^:^crirhas ha^-on dis dub. ^ SOME FUNNY THINGS. I now inwite all you who am in favor of base ball, fastin' an' "tt tTo«cd."^^-hall was as ,n.et as a cow in a garden '''"wfaX all who am 'posed will please stretch up," con- ^TvIt ;e^rm the hall got his feet in under him as soon as possible and stood erect for a full minute ^^ ^^^^^^^^ the old " Werrv well, gem' en— you km sot down, remarKea ^^le oiu n„«!n smile crept into the corner of each eye. " I guess I Tallrglttbo:^^ but I guess de vapor sorter slules ™from deculhd race. Now let me say to one an alias r W Two we 'ks wid a spellin book will do any of us mo «td dan tl^y av^^d a base ball club. If you want to walk to out an look for work. As to the queshun «/ .^^^ ^^ Jf^ ^ full dozen of vou in heah who'll git all you want of it atoie nex lull (lozcn oT > brushes fly faster dan you have fur sprmg onloss y"^ "^^^^^wh builds up his frame on an empty s ea "l"' tn f Lrgs Ip h,s chill'an i. de nght ™y and w.ns Vru'ron "cdoneTr'a jTstice'-of the Peace; f- ""-s^ ouToTev^eer of Highways v.ni two reverends. A petifon f.ou. Mobile read at follows : Gent.--I a^nUnown in tb... city as ^^^^^^^^ t^'S, Herb and Root Physician. J,,^-*;)^''* JJ^J^^^ ^^eh" e'r addrlses on all knock bilblains into the nnd.Ue «^ "f J; Jf^^f^^h^ ,^ake insect pow- subiect: uold funeral exercises, clean and repair clotning, lu ^nd te drowned. Please gi™ thi. )Our '^'^^'-XmnivOOT:. P. D. Q. Elder Toot, at once arose and moved that th. petition of the Doctor be acted on "nder a suspension of the rules. iHOME FUN^Y THINGS. 49 , r^a-S Sl-a';ra^^krrwhe>■labout, of the an..al powerfully bad. „ ^v,^erved the President as he slowly tore ''G«nileu,sotdovvn ober^ dtU^^ ^^^^ git 'em paved the letter in pieces. 1^ dis cu u ^^ ^^^^ powerful down nlgber by can Mobile^ ^ aill ik de tone of his apphca- wid his roots and yarbs, but I doaa ^^^ .^. ^^^ ^^ «hun. As to dreams aisichc^ome 1 ^^^ ^^ ^^.^^^^^^^ ^ •splained. It doan ^^'fZ%el\xv\yi^ signs an dreams an BUface and Hastings to be h Jed up ^a ^is kentry m whims. De time wasted \yj^,^'^^ ,^^^ po.uet-books would dreamin of black cats an ^^okm ur i ^^^^ttee on --. '^^^^ l^^rbodVrtldXt:^ -'try to find out what Petitions needn t boaaer wiw p" D. Q. meanr. , rmtorious: Elder Haggle, "^'The following candidates -^^^^^^^fSon, Nevertheless Trustee Turnover Anatomjawe^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^.^^ ^^^^^,,,, S,ae- Simpson, Henry Jo..es, Ltboi^c , bar, and Judge Walkmgbow. ^^^^^^ ^^^^t Re hable A communication ^^om Lockp oit, .^^ ^^^,^^ ,. U^.e Parker, an honorary member of the c ^^^^ ^^^^^^^ th .vas under a cloud from leaving Ke^^i ^ ^^_ He had been half his body ir a grocery window at ^^^^^ . ^^^^ ^^^^ 1,^ ^ tried and discharged ou -^ ^^^^^^^^ .Uib of the incident, and Lockport thought 1 best to "f^^ {^ J^^^^ ,,, The prisoner 3 leave it to tak. such action a^ it ^l^'f^>^ / ^Le was that he was w^King - ^-^f ^ dat," said Circular .' I cant see de need ^>t/ai.m an> ^^ ,-^^^^^^^ ^^^.^ l^e m Smith, as he arose and ^^^^^ ^l^ {^ Ua^ le to be found de same habit o' walkiu in m> sieei, 111 a grocery any night. ^ President, " your con- ^^ If you eber am," slowly ^P td le ,^^^^. ^^^^^ ^^^^ ueckshun wid dis club -^, ^^.^^f V^^^t to Bnulder Pai^er to Ughtnin'. De Secretary wil dw P a ^et^^ ^. ^^_ ^^.^^^ .^^ ^^^^ .^^^^^^^,. ^o ae cffeck .lat it will b. a f'^f^'^l'^ ;;, ^ut on de cmumous ao hi. waacin- lu '-^^^ J.'!^^^^^^ 1 h i bed his nap about this time ,TM.. i„„et the rl'^^l^ettgoTrid'of'th^uiote of yours yesterday." ::?fsCVhrt:li?':-^^ account, m fact, Itsomt '"'..'i7th^J'ro-h.e , Wel., -./-rin r t;ietreo«" I had only known how my l^j'^ f «°^*.°if \ fiftydoUar note have fixed it better for J™'- J;«;„,a ,m for enough t« mane sells for five dollars one '»' S;^^' "74^ of it and make one for up your fifty. I "O"*" ,*^, ^t'lt^u Free P,«. $500 while we were about it ! AN itDMBLE PRINTER. . ., J] «f lii ft tavern, in the far wost, A Dutchman, sitting in ««. -i~: "^J ^, e^Tgrating westward is approached by a tall thin ^;"\'^;7™ ,,;, slioukler. onfoot,withabundehi,ngouaeaneove ^^^^^„ ,^^^^^^ ^,_^ "Veil, Mister Valking htick, vai yo ''"JtTand refreshment- replied the printer. " Sapper and lotchin', I reckon / :^^iz:i:^^:^^^y ^^ .«- p.^ . cheat ''!^ ?ry'sir. I'm no Yankee peddler.'- '.Vsingiu'ma8ter,toolazytovork? " ^«' ''''•" , I bnr vat loves to uioaBure der ^ml's feet and ♦• Al shenteel shoemaker, vat lovth t^ hankies better tan to make ^er » »oe« ^^^^^ .. :; ^."a-^oier ™! Sir» committees tiU they do votyonwish.choosttogetndoj^^^^^^^ lara8clnuig,andrnnmn ...uma^ . -No, sir; 1«^"^^"^^^^, ,V". ,L vounK 'oiks heads like so .' Phonologus, den ; feeling der >oung mauY cabbitch'f i ^.* •• " No ; 1 iiu^ "" phrenologist. 52 SOME FUNNY THINGS. " Veil, den, vat ter tyefels can you be ? Choost tell, vou shall have the best sassage for supper, and sday oil night,, free gratis, mitout a cent, and a chill of whisky to start outmit in de morn'." • " I am an humble disciple of 'Faust — a professor of the art that preserves all arts — a typographer, at your service." " Vot.scli dot •? " " A printer, sir ; a man that prints books and newrfpapers." " A man vot printsch uoosepapers ! Oh, yaw, yaw ! ay, dat ish it. A inaii vot printsch noosepapers ! yaw ! yaw ! Valk up ! A mail vot printsch noosepapers ! I vish I may be shot if I did not tiiik yon vas a poor tyeful of a dishtrick schoolmaster who works for nodding, and boardb round. I tought you vas him." — Burlington Haukejfe. CHAPTER ON BALD HEADS. A hidd-headed man is refined, and ho always shows his skull- sure. It has never been decided what causes bald heads, but most peo|)le think it is dand rough. A good novel for bald heads to read — '• The Lost Heir." Wiiat does a bald-headed man say to his comb ? We meet to part no more. Motto for a bald head — Bare and furbare. However high a position a bald-headed man holds, he will n?vor conil) down in the world. Tlu> biild-1 leaded ratui never dyes. Advice to bald headers — Join tlie Indians, who are the only Huccesst'nl hair raisers. What does every bald-headed man put on his headi His hat. Yon nevor saw a l)ald-headed man with a low forehead. Siuilu'spcarc says —There is a divinity that shapeb our ends. r>al(l men are the coolest-headed men in the woild. — Ikttton I'rduxr'ijit. MISl'LACED CONFIDENCE. A couple of Hged respectable old fashioned darkies were stand- iiif' on th«' corner (^f Muket and Tremont streets when a dandified SOME FUNNY THINGS. 53 "^f S^ £°h"«a;-colored yonth overi»a.d «>e re».rU, and ^-^i^:t:r%!z;::i^^^^^ you .0... ^"T^lt^ola darky did not respond very cheerfully, but they .hook '•"rtiu.t overhard dat ar observaelum you made. I knowe* right Iff what yer mind was runn.n^ on. Do »^o^ ,^ ^^^ dat »r night about t«f ^ ° "i"* "^ ' ha.', come to warn you yard, near de hen <="?• """l .^^.*,°„. ^^ ^^ on, and had jess climbed feTertrsLintrto^wTlocked. Pat. how you .. Dafs a fac. A,.' yer come back « seon ^^^^^^^ .^ ^^ ob mv firewood ober de fence '"'"/" °",, ,ij„i,t walk off wid it be "fe. "iou 'lowed some rascally mgga" m b when I wasn't watchiii'." . j„ ,t^„, yer wood. "Uncle Mose, you knowed ' *^^" ' ? „emman to do dat rse got too much rcspec for r.n ole Virg.iuy t, ar " 11 „1,1 Mocic " I altera lowed dat "'■•■I knows it, Jake ■• ■■^«P«'-^^f, f , oXeston. You jess take you is de only reliable y"""J,,?;^j^\^;;, tf it was yer own.' „ -Hain't I done tole yer so ? -But I want yer to prove It ^ .How .« I «-";;^,^^^^^^^^^^ to clc vicnio. T am .w.ne " Loan mo a dollar to ro u' i to pay yer a« «o«»\*?/ ^'f Sj, .wine to learn to take a jok.-> "Lor, niggab, am't yo« "^bbii gwu ^dahr.-^ton .\''««- C'cmie THE boyt GOOD AND BAD MTTLK HOY. I will tell you ft sto ry. How yt mi- eves ilauce 54 SOME yUNNY THTNGS. You love to hear me talk. You are gooJ boys. Well, I will tell you a story a-bout George aud James. They both wanted an ap-ple. So James got up one dark night. He hit his nice, warm bed. He went to Farmer Jones's orchard. He stole his apples. James was a ver-y bad boy. I see by your bright faces that you think so, too. James did not fall and break his neck when he slid down the gpout ; a great stone did not fall on him when he climbed over Far-mer Jones's wall; Farmer Jones's great dog did not seize James in his cru-el jaws aud hold him till the far- mer came out ; and the far-mer did uot come out and talk to James of the sin of stea-ling ap-ples while the dog chawed James's leg and then horse-whip him af-ter-ward; and the ap-ples did not make James sick, and he did not piue a-way on a sick bed, a)Kl lie was not laid away in tli< cold ground the next Sun- day; aud he diJ uot give the min-is-tera chauce to preach on the sin of steal-ing ap-ples. No; James was a bad boy. He slid down the spout with-out so much as blis-tei-uig his hands; he jumped over (»ld Jones's wall (that was the way the bad boys spoke of (he good mnn), and when the dog came he locked him in to the sta-ble. He lillcd him-^elf full of ap-ples : he lilled his pockets and his hat, also. Tlieu he went hom<' and slept like a log. The good George would n;)t do such a thing. Uh, no ; he asked his pa-pa ior some ap-j)les, and his dear pa-pa bought him a cent's worili of wormy ones ; the good Georj^e only eat one. That night he dreamed lie was a crook-neck scjuash ; he thought the cir-cus ]iro-ces-siou, with all the eleiJiaiits, was walk-ing over his abdomen. He lay in bed one week, and read nice lit- tle books a-bout nice lit-tle boys wlu> never could iiave lived and lit-tle girls that no-body wants to see. The moral of this sto-ry, l.oys. is this : Once in a great while a bad boy has an un-ac-count- a-ble run of good look, and a good boy rice versa. -Boston Tranxiiijit . JOHNNY'S COMPOSITION. This is lif(l(> .lohnny's comiiosition on the " lloil Bengol Tag- ..1 .: .1. 1,...] t!l « ' IK I I IIM' I IM'I t i< (I .' it wa. 1 the man he tuk the money fur to get in. T!igg<'r It, wa.^ ii sno "Iki in«.' imiii iie mjk me iiuiin-_> im i-w f<,«^f •"• The man he had it b\v \^\\]h-v nailed onto the tagger's den, and HOME FUNNY THINGS. 55 r 1 . The Boil Bengal Tagger, some- the paper it said, the papev;Ybe WrHan^^^ of. Ho Techin times called the Monnerk of the J "| ^ , ^^ ^as always a-laym times call ^onnerk of the J^^g^^ . ,, ^^icli had paid get the »e^ cage doue>n>™ ,^^ ^^ ,^ StaS foUev broke ouUuO^fe, ^^^^ ^^^^^ ''"'^„ °^„^rdiy » teller and their famiues. ^^j^ t Bnt ""'uv, the mast took in whisiiers while tlK.ta^'T ^^^^ . jlla and mouse, but the aiu i ^^^^ mounerk " »^'» ^^ j^ steam jungle crewe r tty j^._^ ^.^^ ; «as fi eman t ^^^ jiroddin this ere tagger. DOING HER BEST. , party OC DetroHers «ho w.^ ^^^^ o^ :? stl^rf^ BotrWvor. »"'> ™""'""^ "" , V o borrow something »nt.l an -r"\r T— city'^ou'K^me,. Mi.; ->,,,,;' ^ order si'ut to l ravttne j woods. A wo . miles he ronchod a log hoiwc m oecuiiied me o d" , ' «o dogs and a fr'^,' , u" r'> -« "" 'T'^Tw w^s smglo roon. m "■" ''""f ;,„ „ a.»hc«, and only one W «»s Sewaro consisted en "^e v t;^,_j ,„„, t„„ woman H-^phed- ""■•^nour i'l Sr -Vn -;nt o' ,1 yesU.rday. and have any more till ntxt ^ „ rhriatmaa. >^Can yon «f '-,;,;7^;:r;;,tT,.e we had rnn out QP Christ u 1 giicsH not. /;;_,_;\.H spare some. 1 1 we git any llUi II ow ahont tea ? 66 SOME FUNNY THINGS. " Well, tea has been purty skeerce with us for the last two months, but Ben said he thought of gittiu' some 'long this fall. If you are around here when our tea comes, we'll divide with you." " You haven't any potatoes to spare, have you?" "Well, now, you ought to have been here last week for the 'taters. I cooked the last Sunday. These'er dogs and children sot a heap by coid 'taters, and they go off like hot cakes. Ben is going to git some more 'long about Saturday." *• Haven't you any provisions at all which you can spare ? " asked the discouraged envoy. " Well, now, I don't believe we have, but we are goin' to stock up in long iu the fall. I was telling Ben only last night that I'd got kinder tired of scroochin" .dong en Injun and 'lasses." "I'll buy some of that if you can spare it, for we haven't a bite of anything in the camp." " No, I can't sell any. Fact is, we had the last for breakfast, and Ben won't get any more till Saturday night.'' " I'm sorry," sighed the man as he turned away. " Yes, su'm I," she sighed iu return, " I seed your party down thar in camp t'other day, and you look like honest folks. I'd be glad to spare you somethiu' but I can't. If you men want to move yer camp up heie and enjoy our society and use our smudge to drive away skeeters, well do our best to make it pleasant; but when you come down to fodder we hain't nowliar'. I was telling Ben only last night that we'd be lucky if we got these dogs and coons through another winter." — Detruit Free Press. MORE WIFE THAN COUNTllY. The otlier night, soon after a ward meeting had opened, one of the electors present began ed^'iug for the door as if he meant to leave the pluce. He was soon stopped by a friend, who said : " Don't leave us now, I want yon to hear what that speaker is saymg. Hear tliat ! He says Wf must triumph or the country is doomed. " " Yes, I know, but I ve got to t>dge along towards home." was ill LU« IK\>1 l">- " Homo ! Great heavens, how can you talk of going home until he has fiuishi-d that speech ! There lie got^s airaiu ! Ho asks if SOME FUNNY THINGS. 57 -.Ir ?Xrut:r i\°«ri s- rn so. 0. wo* mvvrayout." . ^ . five— wait until he nnislies. ^^.Vait fifteen njmueB-ten--fi^^^ ^^^ ^ ^-^^:Lrc There it is again 1 He asks Tvne ^^j-gotter ue patriotic principles defenaed by tne d o foreotten the sounds of 'ibeity B^u ^__reaUy I mu't. „ .? I don't know as I ^»7'^f ,;,r;o„? country will bless you^ .. Hear that-hear that ! _ He sa^^ ^ ^^^ ^, ^^'"''f'^.'^ZL .. I can't say as *« *f ' "fa w„man will if I don't git home ' ■ ^" " 3 i,;n " slowly observed "°° Va be Wnaer sorry to ^.'^'iT'^^'-'i^^ ^ ^^ the delinquent as he ""^''f ,*''\noa not lose a minute until ^Detroit Free Press. THE GAY DECEIVER. 1,1 u„t thorc is one man m .. , don't want to m,ike a»y t-';W5;,''t, . "a blunt spoken th citrwl'o ""S^''' \ '",«',d Wfo e the"officers of the Twen- this ^^'^f,. ....-, ve, a« she stood bt tore ui innuired for ^voman of l«rt> nve ^ XM eu t ic> ^ 1 ^y^^ iirth street station a aa> "« -...tfov and said. '^'^ ! .n- 10 58 SOME FVNNY THINGS. my daughter Lucretia. You will see that he calls her his rosy angel, and he says he can t live if she doesn't marry him. It's the same man." So it was, and his letter was as tender as spring chicken. That finished, she handed out a third withtheremark : ' This is directed to my daughter Helen. It's the very same man, and in it he calls her his pansy, and he says he dreams of her." "Why, he lias seemed to love the whole family," remarked the captain. " Tliat's just it. I'm a widow with two daughters, and he was courting us all at once, and engaged to the t^tree of us at the same time. Oh! what wretches there are in this world!" " Yes, indeed. It's lucky you found him out." "Yes, it is. If I hadn't he might have married the whole caboodle of us. If Lucretia had't opened one of my letters and if I hadn't searched the girls' pockets while they were asleep, we'd have thought him an innocent lamb." " And do you want him arrested ?" " No, I guess not, but I want this matter to go into the papers as a warn- ing to other women. Just think of his sitting up with me Sun- day night, Lucretia on Wednesday night and Helen on Friday night, and calling each one of us his climbing rose I Oh, sir, the women ought to know what a deceiving animal man is !" " Yes, he's pretty tough ! " " It has learned me a lesson," she said, as she was ready to go. " The next man that comes spark- ing around my house lias got to come right out and say which he's after. If it's the girls I won't say nothing, and if it's me it won t do 'em a bit of good to slam things around and twit me of burying two husbands !" — Detroit Free Press. SITTJST LIKE VANDERBILT." A })atrolmau in the eastern part of the city was the other day called iii+^^o a grocery kept by a Cierman to see if he couldn't do sometiiing towards aiding the grocer to collect an account against a ])ariy who liad skipped out. " You see, I tells you all how it vhas," began the grocer, " dot mons come lierc and ?avs he vliants a leedle gredit, pecause he V «li/l i\n (ijl lUl iiiiiutu iliiU Huy Ciuau JJaj iiim Oil 1 ic^ii u anal Dot vlias all right, und I drusted him apout forty tollar. Den I hants to shut ofl' on him, but he prings along a man who says !,OME FUNJVy rHWG.S. M . ., „ right Disman^amaregutaWander- WH^ SHE KNEW. Wayne County faTmeis^reg ^^^ ,a „ stoau marked gram '«g«- ./^^„i each bad witnesses to bacK ^^"^ "'^ ^fe%Wa"k:rs,o>. to buying he W^^ H^,,^, the lOtli of Novembei • ^^^^^^ o ■ • . .j^,^-, ears on " How are you su^^^ J^ ^^ ,,,,, tor I >-^f ^.^^^^^.'.d she was tluit mornins for leav.^°^ married on U»e !•'"';, ^^^^ ^^ ^^^^^ ^^^^^.e ? i„;,>a«aav/' ..Qh' HtavsanagavtH^. wu 60 SOME FUNNY THINGS. "What did the clerk say ?" "Oh ! stars! but he said, 'certainly,' and he went and got 'em." " What else do you remember?" "Oh! lands! but I wanted a calico dress !" "And you didn't p:et if? " "Bless granny! I didn't, and we jawed all the way home." " And now why are you positive that these are the bags ?" " Oh ! dear, oh" ! but while we were jawing I threw 'em out into the road. Some one lend me a fan, for I'm most dead !" ' Never mind being most dead, Mrs. X. What else about the bags." " My husband boxed my ears 'or throwing 'em out. Oh ! stars ! I didn't mean to tell that !" " He did, eh ? Well, what else ?" " Oh ! dear ! but when we got home I kicked the hired man?" " Kicked the hired man, eh ? Well, how can you be positive that these are the bags ?" " Great snakes ! aren't you done yet ! Yes, I am positive." " How can you be ?" " I don't want to tell." " But you must." "Well", if I must I must, though I'm sure I shall faint away. That night I boxed Melissa again." "Yes." " And husband boxed me." " Yes." " And we both boxed the hired man, and we were all so mad we sot up all night in our cheers and have had chill-blains and catarrh ever since ! Do you suppose we'd have made fools of our- selves over fourteen grain-bags belonging to a man living three miles awav '?" That settled the case with the jury, and the verdict was in favor of the defendant. — Detroit Free Press. TO RENT. Yesterday morning a card of " To rent" was railed to a house on Brush street. It was a large card, and the printing was plain. A bold line at the bottom said tliat the people should inquire next ^O^E FUNNY THINGS. 61 sum lu '^ ^ - A The first man who +V.A calls commencea. me ^"^ door, and pretty soon the calls came began : ^^ jent? " ''Is the house next ao '.Then it is not for sale 1" .^ he went "^"f;. I thought it wa«tov saw he said, as " Isn't, eh ? I thoug j^^_ »*»y- . ,„ stood looking at th. .ara Un . f"» t- "Yes." . i.o>' "Then it is to rent!' "^®^-" u ;f V.P(^ntorentr' " How long has it been lo u Only one day. ^, „ "How long will it be tor tmi go to the •'Can't tell." ^hing about it heie, lU g " Well, if I «^V/,f^ Eniopl i«^'^ ^^^ " -^^o;l^^i^^^-;J WeU,inconaudetota.ethe .Ah that's always the way. v> . , .v.^ empty ^o-^'^^f^CwtsTu^^ She looked m to the emp y The third caller was a j ^^^ ^^^^ house and then called next^^^^ ^^ ^^^^ , "laeethatyouhavenu :wm it be painted this spring?" ''^^^■^ . .famllv very respectable?" "Was the last family >ei^ " Yes." , „ -hnnrding house ? ' ..Hasiteverbeenaboaram^ "^^•" Pilar and hot and coVl water? " It has a cellar anu "^®^-" ,3- i^nrH'- derates?" .^.a,fold.n. doors ,^, „f „oviua this spring J :Xl, - have l^ad -- *»'t1o:ind th. house « to .ent dou-tmuchtMuU«esh^l.^^^^„„_gh.t.;^_,^^^^,^ in at aU the ""Se'oS'-ii" was also a iaU,. -« .- • - 62 SOME FUNNY THTNGS. windows, entered the back yard and called next door and asked : " Can you tell me if this darling little house is to rent ? " ''It is." " It is the sweetest httle place in all Detroit, and I know that a family would be happy in it. It reminded me of a romantic httie house in the outskirts of Paris. How much is the rent? " " Eif^hteen dollars per month." " Eighteen dollars ! That's highway robbery! Why, it's a squatty little pig-pen, no sun, no air, and as gloomv as a prison ! ^ ou must be ci zy ! Do you think war times have come again ? I'hat's all I want to know. I didn't care about changing, anyhow, but being out for a walk and seeing the card up I thought I might as well mqimer— Detroit Free Press. "EATHER ACCORDING." A pretty solid looking chunk of a colored man bought a water- melon on the market yesterday afternoon and betook himself to the stoneyard opposite to devour it. Seated on a big stone he had cut the melon in two, and was about to begin active hostili- ties ^yhen a bootblack came skulking up and asked : " Say, can't yer sorter divide with a poor boy ? " " No, Sah ! " was the emphatic reply '■ Can't yer give me one slice ! " continued the lad after a pause. "rso, s'i,h Ica?i't. Jist see de size of dis mellyon an' den look at - Oar' won't be a mouffuU to spar, an' you needn't - hang 'round ^ah no nger." " Won't you even give me the seeds? " persisted the boy The man laid down the half he had taken up, turned around to the lad, and slo ly answered: *' I can't say "bout dat. It'll be rather accordin' to how fast I fall up on de rest of it ! ''—Detroit Fre, Press. "NO FOOLING." TU- a ivui ;iiuii/ iciwytii uai. a call to go into ttxe country a few miles to attend a case on trial before a country I SOME FUNNY THiNGfi. m his buggy, he saw a •squire aDi while J°8f « '^'^"^^f ^^e ton of to "speel.' Directly "t.'Sger, tor Heaven's sake give me a lift down the road for "~iKir;:o;:S?f:rwastherep.,as ''^^^^^z::^^:^^J^' -a as she .^ elimblng over, !Ue lawyer inquired oi the husband: "trnffim fooC7»Vt wait a second!" gaspea the .oman'as the pUmgea dTwn the bank, rolled over and over m five or six more were coming as he sti ck a trot an The husbana hanging to t''^ ™'f ^^eV 3 if oke b,ck. The a -fe.aistance away^he^lawy^l^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^ . LTthetfba'd wiiTtt beads of ..erspnation ofl hrs cheeks ^"^ranTelHa'nner.-a Z^Z^t^TlJ:'^. . ...... she's good natured I git one shut f "«« »™ '' , j ^1,1, next When she's mad one of us has go to ^«1' «";;"* 1 ^ :ime you come this way y"".f „f ' "J/.^Ip '„;, Fr« p/m. Detroit who can make me a pair of wings. A STRONG CASE. A Detroit lawyer had a bill of?24« against ^-r.«n citizen put into his hands for collection e °*^; aay^^^^bout it. The Lte asking ^e^debt^Jo^calUUnso^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^, " WeU, 1 guess that's all correct. 64 SOME FUNNY THINGS. " You acknowledge the indebtedness, do youl" "I do." " And what arrangements will you make to settle it ? " " I'll put in an offset. I've been feeding two hogs for this man all winter, and my bill is just $240. I was figuring it up this very morning." " What §240 for feeding two hogs for three or four months ? " exclaimed the astonislied lawyer. ' Just four months, sir, and the bill is correct." " And what are the hogs worth to-day ? '" " Ten dollars apiece." " Well, you'll find it hard to convince the court that your hog- feed was worth any such money." " Hog-feed ! " shrieked the other, as he suddenly jumped up, " do you suppose I'm charging .^210 for the feed them hogs devoured ? No, sir. I put in the feed at only $40, but the $200 is for my Sunday hat, which fell into the pen and was gobbled down, and for my anxiety of mind for fear the porkers would catch the mumps from my children. Mental auguish is the back- bone of this case, sir, and every one of my family will be seated in a row before the jury, and all will begin to weep as I rise to ask that justice be done a man who lost as fifi a cow as you ever saw nine years ago this spring." — Detroit Free t'reas. NOT HIS FORTE. Tt was oiily a few days ago tliat a jK.orly chid boy, with an enterprising txpressiou of couuteuance and a lot of picture frames under his arm, rang tlie boll at a fasliionablt! house on East Broadway. Tlie laay of the iiouse appeared, and he mentioned that now was the gv.lden op|)ortunity to s;'cure ii picture frame for iialf a dollar. Slie said m elhct that she was ir)t investing ir< tliat rlass of " futures," just tl'.e-.i, and was ab'Mit to cicHO the door, whe;: the hoy broke loose: " IMease nia ai.i, l)uy one of then, frames, ^'y father is one of tlu; richest merchants in New York, shirt fastened on to a real diamond breast pin as big as a heu egg." 80MR FUNNY THTNGSi. 05 The Udy looked at him a» if she wa, uncertain whether t., '"Tirbry'Ln irr^eles, a,™ dnongh a hole m Ins hat, and "•'rv'^matm it-,1iurand tTa.n't half of the gorgeousness. " \e8, ma am, it a al »"• ^" ^ ; l^o^ae sin sto.ies high, half a dollar ?' hor oves tiiishiug, " if you dou't " Look hero, boy, she said, ^^':^/^^,^^J^' ^j;-^^„ you." gallnp out tiH-ou,h tha.^.te^>^;^;^i^ c^n^ 1^ ^^^^ He went o'V., wlnsthng. I H^' "< ^^^^ J, ^ ^j^^ ^^l^^,. house sidewalk like Hamlet " 'I^V^^/.u^a Ji starvation day before I told them my ^vulowed n ui ^^ ^ ^^^ money to buy my yesterday, and 1 wa. sellup; thorn ^ acs t k .^ ^^ ^^.^ fittlo sick s.stor seme "^^^l^^''^; ^^^^^.'^^Uu'v haven't tumbled to playe:! two dirtVrout tunes to ^ ''^"^^; '^ \.f ,f ,^,,. I reckon I had iither. Tiiese Gab'es on ......ple ^\l^'^^^'^.o.,lcesto., .\'.»v,. better Ko hack and sell A-^s- (m tlu coinei. DEM TOliNADlK^-" , 1 ,„„ fhflf knows surathin' 'bout .' 1 wants to tin- some white man ff J^l ,,^,^„ ,^ Gris- tornadies,'- saul an old colored m.m - wold r-treet tobacco store the othc.^- ^^^^^ ,,. ^^^^^ ^ «' Well, wiiat do yon want to Kuonv """w'uU, »ah, I.e hoani da. d.y am ca.-ed hv wind. Am dat ' ^' yJ:. *i..o. CO,,..,, ..- - ;;;-;-J; IS; M.S ,«y -Somef.dkssaydatdoN st.ut 1. It ^^^^ ^^j^.^,,^ ^^^^^ ^^^. dut dey bo^m m de crarm s. Kn v • .: I tlunk thrv bo.in anvwhoro w h , . ■ • H^ ^^^ ^^^^^ ^^^^ .. So d.> 1. sah. l>ov .sj.sl 'Y !'■;/„ an ..ow 1 want to ax yon VK)ut do sif^Mi \\os\ Urn wo 10. 1 Nv.u I don't think yon ca>. irll. t.>6 ,« /ru<7 J'n'f I 'reus. " HOIiLKlUNd " IS A I^IG HELV. Thev were holding an out-door ward meeting the oth-T niglit. . * I II A. „ 1 1.. ••...•'Ill iit> ♦'» lilU WOVK. JlllU M n|'fMi\fi iiat4 j«i 'ill 1.&J 4^ . • When a stringer with all liis worldly "duds 'in an old sheep- and a tlyed-in the-wool Hkin on Ins buck, boots gone, hat goui} SOME FUNNY^ THI^OS. 67 stranger never ["''f ,*° '1''° '„„a „ith him. A.t.r the speaker taatiSl^athr/e t r:w,,i.g .>. Ueat.. h,.., th. tramp ^•"EThl'te'^ptecirwt one of the best I ev.r heard r. all my Srhe\r^r.mr^;;ei./:t.-^^^ - Yes, 1 wish you could. ^^^, lu.wever, think .. But I can-t. 1 am ^f ^^y^^lY^^''- j eau loel the electricity of your speech a l--^r-\f- ^.^^ne half a dollar to help me of it yet, and- ly, cau yo ou ?" , .. , .^ vn, Why should I lend yau half a "Why, Idout know you. \vn> ^^^^'''^•" .Inn't trv to ride auv hi^'i' li'>r8e ove.- me. -Oh, come now-dout try lo ^^^ ^^^ ^^.^ ^ ^^ ^ jo You know how loud I ^-;^ •; tk^tu'dhave fallen as flat as a that li I hadn't put in ^X ^^^^^^ ^^^^ that was a great speech, you'd hetter hang right up. ^natter for a few seconds, and ^ The orator VO^^^f-^J^^JZL.u, wa. so.ud. as he then probably concluded t^^^^ '>; ^,,.„^,, pasBod over the money.-/V""" / '^' THE WOUST FlKNl) OUT. ■i "Whv don't von go for the A nrenham Hubscriber wnU-s • ^^^^^^^. ^^ ,j^ ^^ the .,ewspaper-nitervK>winKiu'nd while >oi ^orst hend in the whole J^^' f,.;,,,,.! ,,,,„„h to hint thai ihe IH ,t posHible that our Hronlmmj ^^ ^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^ ^^^^^^,^ ^,,^^ ,^,,y SKut n?:^ would mistake the .hy and retnu-g r.p.rter .- 68 SOME FUNNY THfNGS. -Ul. a fiend. This is not the first of April. What does the Brenham 1 jokist mean '? Wiiat does he mean by these cipher dispatches ? Bend us on the key, so we can find out what yoii are driving at. If the reporter is a fiend, where does th ; material come from out of which saints and augels are made '? Some commercial drummer must have palmed himself off on this Brenham orphan for a reporter, and he just swallowed it all. A reporter has so many prominent virtues that it is hard to choose with which to begi.i. His great characteristic is his truth- fulness. He would nol state what is not so for all the wealth that is in the state treasury. Whenever yen hear of a reporter committmg suicide, you may put it down that somebody has falsely intimated that the sensitive reporter exaggerated. He can stand anything but that. Besides, he knows well enough that if he were to make the slightest misstatement ue w^uld be instantly discharged by the enraged proprietor. In some States, instead of swearing witnesses on the Bible, the clerk of the court uses the pocket l^'.ndkerchief of some tiuthful reporter. The next great virtue of the reporter is his sobriety. How often it happens that some rash man asks a newspaper man to take a drink, and is instantly torn limb from limb by the infuri- ated newsjiaper man. There are some insults too gross to be borne. Go beard the lion in his dim, but never risk insulting' a news} per man by asking hiin to drink, unless you want y(»ur widow to fondle the money lor winch your hfo is insured. The fact that there weie no strong drinks at the Houston banquet is the reason why aU the country ^tapers say that Houston has got a great futare before her. That was a sliarp idea on tiu- part of the Houston peopk' not setting out any beer. It showed that they at least know and appreciated the newspaper man. If tliat Brfuhaiu man wants to be knockt d down and dragged out, let him send a box of cigars to this otlice. or a (lt'ini)()hn (tilled). Jit't him write plainly on the card " For tiie Sifter," and |»r,pay the I'xpress charges. If hij wants to make any foolhardy experi- nifuts let him send on his groceiies. In legard to this interviewing niisiimss, tlie boot is on t' > other leg. As soon as the reporter gets fo his dosk in the morning he limls a rual lieml waiting .or him. The fiend says " I !iin tiii> I 1 1 tiimii lilii Si) uikI S4i> uiwI I w'liiit f/>ii 4-., Iw,..,, .. I used to tal , hj^.fitt you go I m,Lt be sub- '^'l^^l'thftXroT ted trnterriei: bft I wUl try and lected to tne loiiurt. ui » ^ ^ ^^ I -4. . it wifli jm ffoocl "race as i cau. iii s ^^ "»*' 7; -j -^7o- Lt'':rttlre:r.rr";eparea to ...fice my "Tt*?asf rhr^erp'Srln .Wes „r. aud proceeds to pester %C'.';«li're:;':a;:r.terv,ewin,fiendourBreuha. frieud wants writteu up.— (J-UestoB ^e"- A NEW YORK OBPIIi'^- oue of tho.httie i-''»^.;!^^^^,;>;,;ratUr™BXS'ty''I n^iud about scdn.g ou «">'•'"" "j''*^;^';^ '■'""■»„ „u\ so at the -'^^t::Tlrt:^a!:rr..h;" ";t!tn -a. .« a ha,. . That, the They d,dut i..>,.c.t ,t •■ « ;, ' ^'i-^i^ „i,ev,., and ,ave the wilh h.s hi.Ker«, « p«l his ' ' ' ,., n.at he d.mit come faniilv to understand behnv s„ ., '» ^^« ,^ ,,„ West U, '»ve '■-'"- ^";,-:;;:L'LT,p^d out, had three h«hts alld'Tfe a d:;,'"au7«heu hu-^^.t.,. up he was about U. ta,, fear and avarice were alike appealed to in turn, but as he was the first day ^o he was the last. One day recently he was told hew -uld be sent to the Reform School at Lansing if Ihnv wha any further trouble with 'lim. That night he stole $') from thi isxik, a ))utch('rl:nife from tl:e pantry, and a pie from the flidebo> r!, and departed the ' .use, leaving on his This town ar' no place fur a N. York o I'm going out on the planes to fito injims. It will be yusele^ to follow me, fur I can't be took Alive. " — Detroit Free Pie^s. .SOME FUNSY THiiVOS. BRO. GAEDNEE'S LIME KILN CLUB. Trustee Pullbarck .. De past am de past," be^au *« »« m» a^s^ ^^^^ ^^^^^^^ ceased cLghiu,. ,'\^:,i^^thetme circle to .0 ahead w.d de 'l<.■ Icttve bi^uo'B tar anoder y ar I°e dat none of us wiU lose «■ ^;T«d deveg'lar order of b.zue- ^^^^ j ^ „„„. Tl,e netitioners numbered tlnrty J"""^ . /of the club. Jy tClved at any one tirne ^^^^^^f^ ^^e last time, and Sir Isaac Walpole passed "'« »f° ;„„„. Col. Bagadorn, of ^a^l^^— -tbe^committeeslor ^^ "CTr^'orthV Bear Trap and Sacred Relics-S. Isaac ^°\^nitor— Ability Con^itock. T^asurer— Waydown Bebee. ^-^on Turner. irder of the Orchest^-Coh^K -^ g^,,„ ,„a G.va- Vi„anceComm.tteo-B.v.le ^ .^, , ^,.,,ebone •^Tn"Ctors-Ma3. BucU, Previously Smith and W «0tVc«>--Elder ShacUles, Uc Tobias and a ^ Cook \. ^ j.^„„,,. Broker, Des^on ElUoU and Col. batis Ou Judiciary-tsquire u '-rt^ntrJ-«am,iel sum. Blossom OhoUer and Mpac ""Tn-Astrouomy-No^riou" Wood ^ 72 SOME FUNNY THINGS. Oii Harmony — Elsewhere Smith, Elder Toots and Adversity Johnson. Sir Isaac Walpole made a very effective little speech in reply, as did several others, and it may be said of all the appointments that the right men have been secured for the right places. No worthy, active member was overlooked, and no growling and complaining was heard. No librarian was appointed at this meeting, as the present incumbent holds over until January. Several prominent residents of Richland County united in a communication inviting the club to visit a camp meeting to be held in Mansfield from the 12th to the 24th August. The Sec- retary was instructed to return thanks, and to issue cards of membership to such honorary members of the club in Ohio as may desire to attend. Brother Ezra Beholdem, an honorary member, residing at Wilhamsport, Pa., notified the club *hat an impooter, signing himself Waydown Bebee was travelling through that State as a newspaper correspondent. The Secretary was instructed to offer the usual reward of |!25 for his arrest, conviction and sentence to States Prison for fifteen years, and Brother Bebee, who was con- siderably excited over the news, announced that he would give the same sum from his own wallet. Both the School of Philosophy of Concord and General Le Due forwarded communications of the same date, inquiring what influence the watermelon had been found to exert on ^he feelings of members of the club. The query calling for a general discus- sion, the members weio asked In give their views. Sorghum Harris said that one big waloimelou had cured him of consumption after the doctors had told him that lie must die. Nevertheless Brown had alwayn noticed that whenever any- body around tliu market gave him a melon ho had scarcely de- voured it before he hud an almost uncontrolahle desivo to go out and steal a larger and tipec one. He believed thaf the water- melon had done more to tempt the colored race to steal than all other fruits combined. The Rev. Penstock said that watermelon always had a sooth- ing influence on him, and the bigg( r tiie melon the greater the Booth. the other was ji way nver( White, after eating his fill of th(! luHciouH fruit, he always felt iilf going in with the Mayor to break up a war < aucus. I SOME FUNNY THINGS. 73 ^:tlZ^ IS^AXw'aste .n his UenUy fo. do w.nt of pickin' up." ipnrlership, then indulged in a 4e Glee Club, .^^^^^^^^^.^T, ja ? t^^^^^^^^^ of which ran ballad entitled "Left out m the Cold, tne n a8 follows : ^^^ ^^^ ^ ^^^ ^^^^^ Julius White, An' a cullad man was he ; His show for gettin rich was good As any show could be. Chorus — . , ^ . , -' J „Towl an' cuss aroun'— an Bnt instead of gom to '^"'^-f/fiX-an' cuff bie «ife-»n' blow about de weather-an 8° j"^'^" kick his dog- an' so forth all de time. The Secvetary announced -"HaltTntWast" onte Glassfoot, of NewYoik saymg that be was ^^^^^ ^^ jj subject of discoverms the North 1 o'^. »°" eipedition fitted out be perfectly willing to take »omma°d of an e.pe^^ ^^ j by the colored race of America, fo. such a P V ^ bis Xotnr sSs":? ?r. td^rat S golL opportunity arose and offered a resolution o the ettect ^^ Club at once appoint \«°^.^;^t:r tL^S^ The resolu- for peiBoi . and r^pe-^^^^^^^^^^ slight crook tion was Bucouded by t'"^^>: \"; ' Yie arose and said: to the end of the President h ^^^^^«^^^ J^ to examine de hingen on .^ Doan' some o' you want a ^ommut .^ ^^ ^^^^ ^j de gates of Heabeii ? ^VhaUo you uus do^^. ^^ ^^^ ^^ ^^ de hall know about the Noif Fole ^^ ^^ ^^^^^ ^^^^^^ ^ U d the less ye seem to know Now ^ .^^ tish-poles an bean- -- "^^.-,^^!?.SJT:u:i\:!i!;ru:Ll aroun aat;s nuffint^^- ^:';ia;^;;i;y bacU for tes than «ty cents." was the reply -^t:Sirt";:S;LaiC-n.«ch ohWe^ea that ye -rS'^^Sr^ttyCroro';th.eh.Uen,...asthe tha wouldnt do he P«* "'^^^'^ wLThe returned home and ^ti::':^rre;?'-S:a the co„rt after the story had been told. ^^^ ^„a after it had been mspected The prisoner handed it over, ai his Honor said : , ■. j ^ver saw ! " ..Ifs the worst »»"'f ,?'^X„ed Jamie. "What ! is she bogus .' •^"""i' |^„,, .. .. Sh are. Ifs more than hal '^a^h ^^^^ ^y^^„ .. And I was ^-''''itZ^'-' groaned the prisoner, as he in for tlie sake of this old sliam . b ''".f^4u°we*e! and"l must P™-\' ^ all yo« can pile on. I'm "Crahead, .Tudge, T- *-^7'i"fJ„\ris'well be'in prison as the biggest fool in America, and mi„ out "^ 1 " ::KlitJler"li''^f^'"'e performance overr. ^l^Z^Z^^^^-'^^^ months."-..™, fr. Press. 7(3 SOME FUNNY THINGS. CHATS WITH OLD FRIENDS. BY LEO. C. EVANS. " Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well." — Earl of Chesterfield. You are right, Chesterfield, old boy ; that is particularly true of sleeping. " Style is the dress of thoughts." — Ibid. Here, here, Chesterfield ! What about a high hat on a young head? " Knowledge is power." — lA)rd Bacon. That is "taffy," \m lord, taffy. Any hod-carrier will tell you so '• Reading maketh a full man." — Ibid. More taffy, my lord. Drinking maketh a " full" man. " Nay then let the devil wear black, for I'll have a suit of sables. " — Shakespeare. Sealskin, William ; sealskin is the correct thing. — Norristown Herald. NEWSPAPER WAIFS. The last census shows that Rhode Island is entitled to another Alderman in both wards. — BurUiu/ton Hawkeye. Recorder (to witness with bandaged head) — Did he have any provocation when he struck you ? Witness — He may have had something of the kind concayled on his person, but it was a brick he struck me wid. An exchange says that a ton of gold is worth only about half a million dollars. We give this for what it is worth ; our time has been so taken up with politics, and somebody has hidden away the scales. — Boston Transcript. A New York stonecutter received the following epitaph from a German, to be cut upon the tombstone of his wife : " Mine vife Susan is dead, if she had lived till nex.' Friday she'd been dead shust two veeks. As a tree falls so must it stau'." SOME FUNNY THINGS. rt of different proportions ^-"^rcoleto^d Attilla, King of the spectator. " It belong. /..'"'.'fXlso to AttUla, but when he Hans." " And the r.':».. .e me, perhaps, as any- body else. Drive on judge, and give us as little si'ntiment as you' can get along on. I can stf.ud hanging, but I ha*;e gush 1" — Jjo 'on Trnmcript. Judge— What is your name ? Witness— Mosesh Lazarus. Judge— Where do you live? Witness— Mine residensh ish in ChaUiam street. Judge— What is your occupation ? Witness— I vas in the tr- coods ])eei'.iness, sekent hant clo's. Judge— What is vour religi(m '? Witness- Nov/, Ohudge ! I say my nar-ie is Mosesh Lazarus— that I hve in Chatham street, wlu^re I sellsh old clo's ant now you vill a.sk m.e vat isli mine roleegioi. ! Don't you give it away, "Ciiudge ? I vas a (^laker i — //r/msuin bar, you Imghacked moiligrubber, yo :" And the deck liand looked up in profound admiration and said: "By (n-oige, Cap., it 1 had V'>"'' culcher, I wouldn't he a runnin' as mate for no man in these waters, I'd be a conmiaudin* a boat of my own." — liurliii'itun llauLeye. T)ie other Sundav the superintendent of a city Huiiday-Hcliool wns qnestioning the pupils on the subject of the lesson. Among tiie ((uerlions asked was : "When Cod found o-,.t that Adam ai.d l-:v« had sinned in the garden, what did he do . ' A little f(!llo\v in the rear of the room was just too anxious to reply , Imi glistening .ye and excite.l fiame attracted (he attention of the (piestionev. and unfortunatelv lie was greeted wir-h a nod indicat- ing that he nngiit answer. With a voice, the echoes of which eould be iiea»-d far If, on the distant commons, he shouted, "(lave 'tin the «. h." To most of the school this was i)erfectly intcihgihie and satisfaetorv, but to a .ew it had lo be explained tiiat it\vas stivet AvMb for "grand i>ounce," that i.^, removal from tiie ganhii. -ho;/ Tinwu. SOME FUI^^Y THINGS. r9 '-'y.<'»'--.^r'tre't:'t A very faBhionable .ady, ^^"'^fild a narrow escape last i, ,eJy particular about theu ^'^f^^^ „ „», leaning out of Runday fron losinf! one of >'« dadi^^s. ^^^ j^ ^ ftUrl eU,ry -"f;j:;.n^:u^ t If to P-- on the cro^aed ?r.rt MoT' »e>y t..-o«;er^e.»a . 3-- .. !iDrrft£^er;e|^^^^^ have forgiven "^>'«f '^j^/.^tut, the family would not be chs Btyle, 80 that, come wliat mi, , graced. __ . ., q^^^ ,,e Den>opoii» .Aia.) ^^^^^^^Z.^:::^ ^^ ^^ answered, l.e s«»l ^ ,^ . j,,,,., ,„etly "«"""-..<'";; ae year Empire wl.en .t fell^ , ^ ^„^l,tj. rm'il'hu o.»e y A DetroU, belle .»,- tin- ^r^;;^Z^X, and "J.e I"'.' '\ ',„an called alter l'e';_^. MrrmKer ■- A>/ r- nif row. alUnl alter hfi- Lnn^er ' ••- AV'/""W''- You'd better get a dernuKet 80 SOME FVXNY THINGS. Nobody expects that a dry goods clerk can keep his mind on every little detail of the business day in and day out without a break. That they can't do it was witnesbod in a Woodward avenue store yesterday, when a woman inquired for bed-ticking. " Certainlyi three different grades," replied the clerk as he pulled down the stuff. 8he gave each grade a long and close inspection, and finally said : " Does this tan-color wear well." "p]h? wear well ! " rejieated the clerk, his eyes on a customer at the other end of tlie store. "Yes, we warrant this piece, and yon see for yourself that it is a perfect match for yonr com- plexion ! How much shall I cut off?" Tliat clerk may never know wliy that custou.^r rose with a bound and walked out doors on a bee line, but if she ever meets him at a eliurch festival she'll do her best to make it dreary for him. — Ditroif Free Prc^s. He was a brand new office boy, young, pretty-faced, with golden nugiets and blue eves. Just such a boy as one would imagine would be taken oiit of his little trundle-bed in the mid- dle of the night and transported beyond the stars. The first day he glanced over the library in the editorial room, became acquainted with everybody, knew all the printers and went home in the evening as happy and as cheery as a Hunbeam. The next day he apjcared, loaned out of the back window, tied the cat u})"by the tail in the hallway, had four lights with anoUier bov, borrowed two dollars from an occupant of the builuing, saving his uiotlwr was dead, collected his two days' pay from the CHshiei , lut the janitor with a broomstick, pawned a coat be- longing to a member of the editorial staff, wrenched the kni^bs off the doors, upset the icc-cooler, pied three galleys of tyjie, and mashed his finger in the small press. On the third day a 'loto was received saving, "My Motiier do not want I to work in such a dull plaee. She says 1 V/ould make (lood preacher, so Do I. my linger is Better; gone lishin'. Yours." 81 i^OME FUNNY THINGS. THE FIRST MAN. 5 -:i +« +hp pnmne when the train reached Some repairs '«'r°^?^f '° ^^engT^rre takiag a philosoph- Beuo, »»^t «'t;'"T,v ^IdmataTthemrelves as comfortable as ical view of the delaj aud mat'OS ' . g^ ^.^au't » native possible m the ^J"'. "J^jf ^^ a^uie Nevad.an, and he w^ Indian, nor a native nuzz V, du bearskin coat and cap, risked ont in imperial « .V ^- «« '^°l\^ y, wt was a big knife buckskin leggings '^■'I'^Jf^;',"^' Suing in his eye, destruction and two revolvers. Tliee wah ^^^^^ ^^^^^ ^^^^ 3„^t >n his walk, and as he ^'^^ passengers looked pale with tered tobacco |U,ce ovei •'• » ™/;;" J,, i^^ter from Jersey City, fcar. Among the ™vele> ;- ; -y^,,,^ ,,e ,„„„y inquired „nd after surveying the uauvew ^^^ ^^^^^^ .^^,j ^,,^1, " Areu't you afraid you ll i«i those weapons ? „„tive in astonishment. •?--*'"! Uu^'eCchoSs a" you've got on at auction on'.: Jre^Ettey , ■ continued the painter. ^^^^^^^ ^^^^ ^^,_^.^ ^^ .. w_wliat dye "'""'-'"'',,';,,„ a terriblo look. „e wslked a™.,i.a .he stove -^V'^^l^^'l^.,^, .. and I mean „ ''^ i'r;e';ou5.rtwr::t of those ou. duds, .ud mt on -^^ibtlu!!:: wlv ,. me, or vou wont ;^;- - tu; JS claimed the ,;at,v, as he ^^n^^--;^;,^^,, «,„,;.: ,„ the woi.d 1 Vrihi^^r^hhirftheUhicklUlls: iwasthehr. ^'^'?r:Vh;;u":;t;^^t?;.e,iedt,. more UUe ihe hist -'"'--^'. u h hack .t-.. 1"-^-' ■"•"""»• Tlu' uativo J"-",^ '! '^Vreled Oolt in hh, -and, be vau.ler at his heels, «hh 82 SOME FUNNY I HINOS. " Friend, come to think of it, I don't want to kill you and have your widow come on me for damages." " Go right ahead— Im not a married man," repUed the painter. " But you've got relatives, and I don't want no law suits to bother me just as spring is coming." " I'm an orphan, without a relative in the world !" shouted the Jerseyite. " Well, the law will bury you, and it would be a week's work to dig a grave at this season of the year. I think I'll break a rib or two for you, smash your nose, gouge out your left eye, and let it go at that." " That suits me to a dot," said the painter. " Gentlemen, please stand back, and some of you shut the door to the ladies' room." " I was the first man to attack a grizzly bear with the bowie knife," remarked the native as he looked around. "I was the first man to discover silver in Nevada. I made the first scout up Powder river. I was tbo first man to make hunting-shirts out of the skins of Pawnee Indians. I dont wart to hurl; this man, as he seems kinder sad and down-hearted, bu: he mus' apologise to me." " I won't do it ! " cried the painter. " Gentlemen, I never figlit without taking otV my coat, and I don't see any nail here to liang it on," said the native. " I'll hold it— I'll hold it! " shouted a dozen voices in chorus. 'And another thing," softly continued the native, "I never tight in a hot room. T used to do it years ;,'o, but I found it was running me into the consumption. 1 always do my fighting out doors now." " I'll go out with you, you old rabhit-killer ! " exclaimed the painter, who had his coat oiT. "Tliat's another deadly insult, to be wiped cnit in blood, an! \ see I must finish you. I never iigiij around a dei)ot though. I go out on the prairie, wh(Me tliere is a chance to throw mysf it. ** Where's your prairie '.' U'ad tiie way '. " liowled the crowd. " It wouldn't do you any j/ood. ' rephed the luvtive, as he loaned u^'ainst the wall. " I aUvavH hold a ten-.loliiii gold piece m niy moutli when I fight, and I liaven t i-'oi no today— in fact, deau broke." " \h re's a gold piece I " caUed a tall num. hol>»■ ,^>"" "^i\ ^ „e-er to fight without "I. '"""^ ", T'T ,"rllul>elmhan killer, "YouwouWnt paintmg my lef e^r, pu>t..t ,,„„,a youf . want me to go l^^f ''"""> ',„,,, ^ ,,„u,..',;in .Iressed up m leg- ,,;! r" c':«:^u»>y ra:..! tL ear painter, a. he put on '"'..Tet, he's a great co«ara,- remarked several others, as they turned away. „„,i ,i„n„iq for ten drops of red paint '." •= I'll g^'^ ten tho«™^ ^"^^-Xx 1 have' no red paint for shrieked the natne. " ' ."■^ j„ iu and kill !" niv ear when here is such a cliance to go ^^^^ °"^V b.« W-'-'""'' f'-"™ "''"::: *: for a limu .u>t before the ,,im out, and he ™s .een no no, to an ion ^^^ ^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^ ^^^ train stM,-.e.i. and altei • ''^ , ™:^"' "^ h, ,,^.1 „, other bow.e .. tivst man' v.as seen on he P *"' ™ ^ , ^.1,,.,^ „as red Undo, and had also PU a ^-.';;;i;;!^':,;;r,^a terrible voice, he paint on his lett eai, m^- t-> ™'.'t-lie're is that man l.ogwoodV l.etliimcome ..there and meet his doom r ,,. ,,^,,1 j|,„ <,,„ paiiiter, a- lie " l^^"'" ?'°'; V "h r ™K 1 iron, the door, leaped dow. and treat, calling out : .^^ seventeen seconds '"Whon the tram rolled away he was seen flounsbmg his toma- .Il'l^c^uld^lllslu^aduaiu. widest manner. . l.ttlo olil woman wlio liad come to town Saturday forenoon a ''*^^;' ^ ' '\,,^, „^ Woodward Avenue, 84 HOME FUNNY THINGS. where gents' furnishing goods are sold, and asked if they kept such a thing as a man's night shirt. " Certainly we do," was the reply, as the clerk reached for a '' Well, my old man was traveling down in Ehode Island last fall, and iie heard about 'em and saw one," she continued, " and he's been half crazy to own a couple. Things have come to a pretty pass when men have got to have one shirt for day and the other for night, but Thomas is rather childish and I thought I'd get him one." "Most all men wear 'em now," said the clerk, as he opened the box. " What price do you want to pay ?" "Well, I duuno," she mused, as she picked up one after another and let them drop. " I didn't say I wanted one for my- self, did I?" , , • 1 ■ 1 • i. " Why, no ; of course not. These are gentlemen s night shirts, madame— three difterent styles." !She jiicked up the plainest one, shook it out, held it at arm s length, and coldly said : • , ^ i • ^ "Young man, do you pretend to call this garment a mght shut for a man ?" "Yes, ma'am." i <• i i " Y^ou do, eh '? You stick to it that this frilling and iurbeiow- lug and tuc'king and ruffliu" belongs on a man's night shirt ?" "I do.' ,. , ," " Then youd better go to drive a sand waggon, young man ! she snapped, as she threw the garment down. " I've worn night .»owns iov tiftv-oue vmirs, and if the day has come wlien a young moonshuR'r like you puts on airs to ^ell me that 1 don't know what a night gown is, mv old man can sleep in a harness tor all the night sliirt lieU ever get me to buy. (lood bye, young man !" — Detroit I'^nr Press. THE CiaJSHED SEKENArEll. Young liilkins went to sertiuide his girl on Van Ness avenue. . ..^ ..-.-.!. !!•• nrcheKtui. of whi'h lu' is a member, had hardly Miaelched ou.t tlic tu.^L iwo hais oi " Come wheiu my Love Lies rf\ SOME FUNNY THINGS. 86 .?!s there no way of oompvomjsmg this thing . " What-w— what ?•■ gaspsi ^'''"'"'- ^_t to get out of this r.ra:rw;;ivrttrl'^^ "'I'^Xn: iwiowed r e,a<™latea the .-.-shed love.^^ ^^ ^ ..:rr ^t1 ^ntTll tyllXws sa.e ., It might ^'•.f Come down here and say that 'f . ^ --'^^rb'^llS drum, who was full of Bndwe.ser and fuiy. old pelican, come down. it „„P. boys," .. I_I_thiuk wo had l«;""- -'"="",,5a Justed bai. valked „>„™uredthe mortified B.lkms and '!■« tos~„t,„,„ to .e- sadly off, scoi-nfully 'i?"''™« , tS tiinTb "- '"'«■ furni and lead better lives, aftei the tiling u A STREET CAB MYSTERY. ..oumayha.ebeenonast.et;-^^^^^^^^^ :f-'ie,;':xt;oCrjr^.^^^^^ „ot-long since ,i woman »" . «J-^;? ™taid ,t was a dime, while som(!thing while paymg h" are ^ ^^,^^,. ,,. a small boy thought it '""'^^■y''^'\,,",/';„;ian had plenty ol help „„» asserted it was >; '1™"" ' ^, ' ' „,ad™lv in-rea! i reet, and when the car started up the man trampled the straw down and hung the buckle on the front door with the remark : '• it"s little reward any one ever g^ts for doing a stranger a favor, but seeuig I've got the corkscrew, I'll leav^ this here and she can get it or let it go nito the treasury of the street car com- pany." — Ui'fruit Free Prexs. ITER TEA-STOlvR CIIHOMO. A dame well along in yeais yesterday got nito a Mielngan ave nue car w ith a po und of tea under one arm and a chromo under <;OME FUNNY THING, 87 ■"?, TtU^rion, but have you any objection to my in«peot.ng ^'^ShlC/edlt'over and he looked at it closely for a long time, and then said : ,^ j ^^^t rich I shall have .. How heautiful and We-like? it ^^^^^^ X don't want to masterpiece tor less tha"*6.00.)1 u Y__ye8," she admittea. , ^ secure your ..Ih 'perhaps they made a f-^ty-five bun^-d. Cheap 'S::r\ :^TZT^i^^°^^- ^owl do revel m tCe^delicious la.idscaijes ! ;• j,^^ i^nre, then at the man, selected it. Pray. '^j;<'^'^-.f jt""^", t,^^ as von saw it ? " l,ut as It IS, J- <^»' J . ^^ back'.'vound ? ^•^ry^sTt --ed as she leaned forward^ ^^^^^ ^^, ..HoJw^udorfully true to nahu-el "'^\^°° „tifv the workB „eveVexcelled by the ™;J,f C"ho e? Tn'the trees.' Will yon „f Gonzia de Mona ''>"^.^"e 'elections? " ^^Z^:^.^^^^^^ standmg ,mder a Ah 1 if I only had -"<'"';>;-"r"te J™ a cow 1 See that ex- farte for such ex,t«e pa tA«^^^' »^^ % .,„t ^yiug to slope cause my gal i^>f ^'„ °° *t,'°Sr off bv some' Injun-killer, aud off with some pirate, or h'' n?R«^ ^^., „^„t his verses. " ^i-r :ol »re" r th'S:^, - ^" -«"• "'^^^ """ tain nothing but the P«««*/,^,f ";°*„ our neighborhood sent off "•Nother th ng is, ^^^^^ *, ''J' Je pamphlet came nigh work^ after some one's poems, and that ere pa i ^^.^j^ ^ g, a heap of evil. There 7;:,'' ™"f "\' feUe" on the corner, and I eye, and another about flutm witti a le ^^^ s.„,v, begun to cin't tell you what. ^wasnt aweeK 1,^, mother not to sav she'd like to ' coUar a beau, ana «^ churnin !2v her away.' and all ™* ,« f °« ^'^f^ht a?d I guess it re- bitter from six in th. morii.n tdl ten at n, , «'-\vaU,rmgo.n'uptothemarkeH^^^^^^^^^^ I'll call and see the book. If the e s a sing ^^^^ ^„ have It, for I hain't goin .'"'.'l^'^.^jno brigand, and if she ever chamber -"f,- '^ . »; "ll*. "l^t " liei ears, even if she is tells me agm that i m a kickci, i- ^Z'on^l^V-l^^'^roit Tree Press. THE VALUE OF " ESQ." a ■ \ vounc' man whose money The Council Bluffs ^'"^rfJ',,.Ai dropped into the tele- a.d not hold out as long as the btat^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^ ^^pp^^^^^^ ^^ ^^^ ^^. graph oiiic« yeoi-eiuiij ^- • IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) W ^ Wo / ^^^^#% 1/. (A 1.0 I.I 1.25 b^l^S |2.5 U£ 1^ 1 2 2. It! m ^ m 1.6 K^V M ^l^" ^> <^ / 0/% FhotogTdphic Sciences Corpomtion 13 WIST MAIN 'iTRlIT WiaSTI* N V U-tlO (71*1 IZl^SOS » ^v Cv v"^ \ \ « \ >^. ^^ <^ 4^ f 90 SOME FUNNY THTNGS. terior to forward him cash to reach home with. When the re- ceiving clerk saw that the despatch read, " To John Blank, Esq.," he sugs^ested that a saving could be effected by erasing the " esq." " Well, maybe you think so, but I don't" replied the sender. " When I am at home I call him ' dad ' all day long, but when it comes down to black and white you've got to ' esquire ' him right up to the nines, or walk home by the dirt road. Don't you dare leave that off — not with the roads as muddy as they are now !" In about an hour the following answer was received : " John Blank, Esq., forward, you $10, and you can have more if you want it. John Blank, Esq." " Didn't I tell ye ? " chuckled the young man as he read it. Dad's common enough when we're all at home and rushed to get fall wheat in, but the minute his back gets rested and a stranger comes along, he weighs more to the ton than any 'esq.' on Jags. I tell ye, you don't know a man till ye have hoed corn with him! " THE DISAPPOINTED PASSENGER. " Sir," she said, and the music of her voice thrilled the car ; " sir, is this seat engaged ? " He looked up at the vision of glow- ing cheeks and laughing eyes, marble brow and clustering curls, and he relented , even the masher's heart warmed toward the lonely girl, the latest victim of his manly charms. " Oh, certain- ly not," and his brow was a study of grace for the steam man ; "oh, certainly not ; you are entirely welcome ; I shall be only too happy " " Then," cried the charmed victim, " mother, you can sit here beside this gentleman." An old woman, sevoniy-three if she was a day, witii no teeth and only one eye, a Hmallboi, a big band- box in a bag, a green reticule and an umbrella, two paper-bags and a piece of calamus root, tott.red into tlie proiTered seat and sat down and piled her tilings into the young man's lap. And the girl, the beautiful girl, went and sat down beride tiie pas- senger with the sandy goatee, who was so bashful that he couldn't and wouldn't say a word to his companion all the way to Newark, and blushed to his ears every time the fat jjaasenger winked at liim. Uiuvkitie. SOME FUN^T THINGS. A VERY QUIET GAME. A 91 cava-p'^yiug 7« «"-^r,;/X ° mes f euch/e witllt disputing rJ :?S;trrf t— d yea. a^a neve, have a w«a_ C'onel walked sraight to » ;'»;'»"^^^„ ^is wife^as ready to i .;rt\\;;::ira»rra^w. Oa..g%awnp "'^f Dearest, we will not bavo a wora of dispute-not one/ she 't;:^cj^s£s=a2^--~-- » 1 order it up ff^^^f ';'^^l,„,v;' growled tbe Colonel, as "T was izoms to take it up auyu«»\v, ^ 1- ol.Wifpll all his other cards being black. ':SSi-57:^wfLl.^tt?S;rhee. elaiJ^d "Why a..n't yon Icaa out «.th an ace ? " «• ^ "*" P\?; "weU rU make it the sickest play you ever „,;r"iJ„TLtall t^tni,,..,' .Well, 1 tl..u.ht la encourage yon a little. Give me the cards-.t s my dea,. ■ " You dealt before. - No, 1 didn't ! " , ^^^^ ^^,. l^a^a.- ;; ^ S- rStid ae'Iu'l'r t\o ^Z .^ you,waut to , inl ^ake"^:,:'.; o^« your aeaUnyho.^ What , --.«;^ „, ,„, ,, She turned up a club Hi haU o > » ^^^^ t^ Srl'tir 'xhlX^dl' Xrr-^helk ,t up ana he lea ■"'.."N;,'h.'T,'th I ■■ ho shoutea a, she trumped .t. ' Kefusiug 92 ^OME FVNNY THTNGS. suit is a regular loafer's trick ! I'll keep au eye on you ! Yes, take it — and that— and that— and all of 'em ! It's mighty queer where you got all those trumps ! Stocked the cards on me, did you ?" "Now, dear, I played as fair as could be and made two, and if I make one on your deal 111 skunk you." " I'd like to see you make one on my deal ! " he puffed. I've been foohng along to encourage you, but now I'm going to beat you out of sight. Diamonds are trumps." She passed, and he took it up on too smali tri'.mps. He took the first trick, she tlie next two, he the fourth; and when he nut out iiis last trump she had the joker. " Skimked ! skunked! " she exclaimed, as she clapped her hands in glee. " You didn't follow suit ? " " Oh, yes, I did." " I know better ! You refused spades 1 " " But I hadn't any." " You hadn't, eh ? Why didn't you have any ? I never saw a hand yet without, at least one spade in it ! " " Why, bu.shand, I know how to play cards." " And don't I ? Wasn't I playing euchre when you were learn- ing to walk ? I say you stocked the cards on me ! " " No, I didn't ! you are a poor player; you don't know how to lead ! " " i— i— ^vhy, maybe I'm a fool, and maybe I don't know any- thing, and so you can play and have all trumps every time ! " He pushed back, grabbed his paper, wheeled around to the gas, and it was nearly thirty-six hours before he smiled again. Nevertheless, no one else ever had a dispute over Cii\(\ti.~ Detroit Free Pre»n. TROUBLING A POSTMASTER. A lantern-jawed young man stopped at the post-office last Sat- urday, and yelled out ; " Anything for the Wattses ^ " George I'oteet, our polite Postmaster, replied : " No. there is not." " Anything for Jane Watts } " SOME FUNNY THINGS. 9S '• Nothing." „ " Anything for Ace Watts F "No, sir." " Anything for Tom Watts ? "No, nothing." Ai<'Xico Leader. 2. A HAPPY FAMILY, The other evenin. at n^oe o.look a ,,ohce.an Jc^nd^a famUy a^=:^.?po9e .^ Z^ ptSo"^'.afe! nrrf ^;n?le. e,e. ou a ^^::^^Xl^'^:^^"^^^ «« office, a. he halted among them. ,^ ^, ^ the jumn- " Oh nothing much," answered the man. V^.^"'.V/m ^ iu. toolhache, but it alius nlacks up on me about midmght. chaw h,m»eh- to sleep ''";;;';, J ^;,^,M™.s,., but soou- I he's h.nvli,,' 'cause I ;™ ' l^ '> >^"i '^^j'''J"„ a,,a,;un' of augels. got time to «\mA him he 11 "'.'""" ",^^,^^^,1,, „,, u.r fnea-cakea Tl.-it L'lil M uerva. has K"' "el moutn i iHtu u, audmlbutl-U give her a bite o' i>ork aud bread Uom the 94 HOME FUNNY THINGS. trunk and shell never know the difference. We are kinder sprawled out here, and we seem to be kinder afflicted, but we are a reg'lar happy family.' — Detroit Free Press. THE POINTS OF LAW. " You sen, boss, dar's a nigger libin' up my way who orter be tooken car' of," said an old darkey to the Captain at the Central Station yesterday, " What's he been doing now ?" " V/aa!, sah, las' fall I lent him an ax, an' when I wanted it back he braced right up an tole me dat possesshun was nine pints o' law, an' refused to gib it up." "Yes" " Waal, the odder day I sent the ole woman ">ber an rowed his buck-saw, an' when JuUus cnm for it I tole like he answered me, an' stood on my dignity." " Well ? ' " I had nine points o' law, didn't I ? " " Yes. " " An' how many points am de law composed of?" •• I don't knoT/ exactly." •' Well, dat's what bodders me, fur dat nigger saw dem nine pints, shet up dis lef eye fur me, pitched de ole woman ober a bar'l an' walked oli with his saw an my snow- shovel to boot ! If I had nine pints he mus' hev had ober twenty, an' eveu den he didn't half let himself out?" she bor- him jist AN ORNAMENT TO THE PROFESSION. A student applied the other day to one of the district courts for admibsiou to practice, and an examination committee of one was appointed by the judge to ascertain his qualifications. The examination began with : " Do you smoke, sir ?" " I do, sir !" " Have you a spare cigar ? " " Yes." '* Now, sir, what is the first duty of a lawyer ?" " To collect fees," SOME FVNNY THINGS. 95 " RiKht ; what is the second ?" - To increase the number of his chents. ^„ " When does your position toward your chent change . " When making a bill of costs. " Explain." . „„^„rv,p the character of plaintiff .' We are then antagonistic. I assume tne cnara. and he becomes t]^« ¥f J*^^''ao you stand with the lawyer on " A suit once deciaed, how ao you the other side ?" '« Cheek by jowl." become an ornament to your -Enough, sir; yor Promise to becom^ a ^^ ^^^ profession, and I wish you success. Now, y duty you owe me ? " " Perfectly." " Describe it." . , ,, - It is to invite you to take a drink. - But suppose I decline ?" ^^ instance of the Candidate scratches his head. mere Journal. _ BURLINGTON HAWKEYE TO A YOUNG MAN. fV,«t the world is older than you are by sever- Remember, son, that the worui . ^^ ^^^^ o£ al years; that for thousands of years t^^n^^^^^ smarter and better young "^^^.f^f^n ^W died the old globe outoftiiedormor ^mdows that wh^ tea millions went to the went whirling on, and not one man in ^^ ^^^^^ ^^ funeral. Don't be too sorry for y° .'^ 5^;^^ V ^^ p,, ^ayland co much less than you do I^*^"^«:^^;V^^;',^^^^ an easy enough the student of Brown University wh^^^^^^^^^^ .. ^^^^ ^ ^^^ ,, thing to make proverbs such a^/^ok,mon w ^^^^ ^^ tersely replied the old ^^^^IL^^^^ Jn have of it. Yout men, but no greater need ^ba i^hc >o g ^^^^ clothes fit you better than y^^'^ /^f ^!^,^r Ustache is neater, the money, and they are more «| ^^^^^^^^^ old gentieman cut of yonr hair ^« ^^t^^'^' . ^riuS" scrambling signature on gets the biggest salary, and his homuy, 96 SOME FUNNY THINGH. the business end of a check will drain more money out of *ihe bank in five minutes than you could get out with a ream of paper and a copper-plate signature in six months. TAKING ADVANTAGE OF LEAP YEAR. A Detroiter who was out in the country the other day to look at some poultry, got stuck in a mud-hole, although having a li^ht buggy and a strong horse He got out, took a rail off the feifce and was trying to pry the vehicle out, when along came a strap- ping young woman abuut 26 years of age. She hal^.ed, surveyed tbe situation, and said : *^ " You stand by the horse while I heave on the rail, and don't be airaxd of getting mud on your hands and boots." Their united efforts released the vehicle, and the Detroiter re- turned thanks and asked her to get in and ride. She hesitated, looked up and down the road, and finally said : " Stranger, I'm bhmt spoken. Who are you ?" He gave his name and residence, and she continued- " I'm over 25, worth .$500 in cash, know all about housework and this is leap year." ' " Yes, I know, but for Heaven's sake don't ask me to marry you : he replied as he saw the diilt. '' See here," she continued, looking him square in the eye " I m a straight girl, w< nr a No. 7 shoe, and I like the looks of you." " Yes, but don't— don't talk that way to me !" " Stranger, it's leap year, and I'm going to pop ! Will youhave me or no ?" "^ " T— I'm already married !" he faltered. " Honest Injun ?" "Yes." "Well, that settles me and I won't ride. I'll take a cut across the lie d over to Spo