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The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, 
 
 BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 "Tom Brown" and "Tom Bailey" are, among 
 boys, in books, alone deserving to be named with 
 " Tom Sawyer."— Atlantic Monthly. 
 
 Old Times on the Mississippi, 
 
 BY MARK TWAIN. 
 
 " We must express our sense if their delicious 
 humour, truthful local delineation, and original 
 insights, of which we couid the ' ^y judge^ from 
 personal reminiscences of our c^ ildhood in the 
 
 Mississippi Y&\\eyJ"—Canadiai -. slra'ed News. 
 
 - 
 
 For sale by all booksellers, on trains, or mailed 
 post paid on receipt of price, by 
 
 ROSE-BELFOIID PUBLISHING CO., 
 
 60 YORK STREET, TORONTO. 
 
AN 
 
 IDLE EXCUESION. 
 
 ll(f^fnr^'^^ 
 
 7 r 
 
 i^iyu 
 
 ' i J 
 
 ;f. 
 
 BY 
 
 MARK TWAIN, 
 
 AITIIOK OK "ADVENTT'RKS OF TOM SAWYER," "OLD TIMES ON TUB MISSISHIPPI," 
 " INNOCRNTS ABROAD," F!TC. 
 
 ROSE.BELFORD PUBLISHING COMPANY. 
 
 MDCCCLXXVIII. 
 

 ^ ivui/ 10 1968 
 
 '<c^/ry OF Tov.^-^ 
 
 IltrNTXR, R08B AND CO., 
 
 PRINTERS AND BINDERS, 
 
 TOROHTO. 
 
 I 
 
 I 
 

 I 
 
 A^ IDLE EXCIJRSION. 
 
 -♦-♦-•- 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 LL the journeyings I had ever done had been purely 
 in the vay of business. The pleasant May weather 
 suggested a novelty, namely, a trip for pure recre- 
 ation, the bread-and-butter element left out. The Rever- 
 end said he would go, too : a good man, one of the best of 
 men, although a clergyman. By eleven at night we were 
 iii New Haven, and on board the New York boat. We 
 bought our tickets, and then went wandering around here 
 and there, in the solid comfort of being free and idle, and 
 of putting distance between ourselves and the mails and 
 telegraphs. 
 
 After a while I went to my state-room and undressed, 
 but the night was too enticing for bed. We were moving 
 down the bay now, and it was pleasant to stand at the 
 window and take the cool night-breeze and watch the 
 gliding lights on shore. Presently, two elderly men sat 
 down under that window, and began a conversation. 
 Their talk was properly no business of mine, yet I was 
 feeling friendly toward the whole world and willing to be 
 entertained. I soon gathered that they were brothers, 
 that they were from a small Connecticut village, and that 
 the matter in hand concerned the cemetery. Said one, — 
 ' Now, John, we talked it all over amongst ourselves, 
 
 
 W)WI 
 
6 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 and this is what we've done. You see, eveiybody was a- 
 movin' from the old buryin'-ground, and our folks was 
 most about left to theirselves, as you may say. They were 
 crowded, too, as you know ; lot wa'n't hig enough in the 
 first place; and last year, when Seth's wife died, we 
 couldn't hardly tuck her in. She sort o' overlaid Deacon 
 Shorb's lot, and he soured on her, so to speak, and on the 
 rest of us, too. So we talked it over, and I was for a lay- 
 out in the new simitery on the hill. They wa'n't unwill- 
 ing, if it was cheap. Well, the two best and biggest plots 
 was No. 8 and No. 9 — both of a size ; nice comfortable 
 room for twenty-six, — twenty-six full-grown that is ; but 
 you reckon in children and other shorts, and strike an 
 average, and I should say you might lay in thirty, or may 
 be thirty-two or three, pretty genteel, — no crowdin' to 
 signify.' 
 ' That's a plenty, William. Which one did you buy ? ' 
 ' Well, I'm a comin' to that, John. You see No. 8 was 
 thirteen dollars. No. 9 fourteen' — 
 * I see. So's't you took No. 8.' 
 
 ' You wait. I took No. 9 ; and I'll tell you for why. 
 In the first place. Deacon Shorb wanted it. Well, after 
 the way he'd gone on about Seth's wife overlappin' his 
 prem'ses, I'd a beat him out o' that No. 9 if I'd 'a' had to 
 stand two dollars extra, let alone one. That's the way I 
 felt about it. Says I, what's a dollar, any way ? Life's 
 on'y a pilgrimage, says I ; we ain't here for good, and we 
 can't take it with us, says I. So I just dumped it down, 
 knowin' the Lord don't suffer a good deed to go for no- 
 thin', and cal'latin to take it out o' somebody in the course 
 o' trade. Then there was another reason, John. No. 9's 
 
 • 
 

 AN IDLK EXCURSION. 7 
 
 a long way the handiest lot in the siniitery, and the like- 
 lie.st for .situation. It lies right on top of a knoll in the 
 dead centre of the buryin'-ground ; and you can see Mill- 
 port from there, and Tracy's, and Hopper Mount, and a 
 raft o' farms, and so on. There a'int no better outlook 
 from a buryin'-plot in the State. Si Higgins says so, and 
 I reckon he ought to know. Well, and that ain't all. 
 Course Shorb had to take No. 8 ; wa'n't no help for't. 
 Now, No. 8 joins on to No. 9, but it's on the .slope of the 
 hill, and every time it rains it'll soak right down on to the 
 Shorbs. Si Higgins says't when the deacon's time comes, 
 he'd better take out fire and marine insurance both on his 
 remains.' 
 
 Here there was ^h'i sound of a low, placid, duplicate 
 chuckle of appreciation and satisfaction. 
 
 ' Now, John, here's a little rough draft of the ground, 
 that I've made on a piece of paper. Up here, in the left 
 hand corner, we've bunched the departed ; took them from 
 the old grave-yard and stowed them one alongside o' 
 t'other, on a lirst-come-first-served plan, no partialities, 
 with gran'ther Jones for a starter on'y because it hap- 
 pened so, and windin' up indiscriminate with Seth's twins. 
 A little crowded towards the end of the lay-out, may be, 
 but we reckoned't wa'n't best to scatter the twins. Well, 
 next comes the livin'. Here, where it's marked A, we're 
 goin' to put Mariar and her family, when they're called ; 
 B, that's for brother Hosea and his'n ; C, Calvan and 
 tribe. What's left is these two lots here, — just the gem 
 of the whole patch for general style and outlook ; they're 
 for me and my folks and you and yourn. Which of them 
 would you rather be buried in ? ' 
 
8 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 * I swan you've took me mighty unexpected, William ! 
 It sort of started tlie shivers. Fact is, I was thinkin' so 
 busy about makin' things comfortable for the otiiers, I 
 hadn't thought about being buried myself.' 
 
 ' Life's on'y a fleeting show, John, as the sayin' is. 
 We've all got to go, sooner or later. To go with a clean 
 record 's the main thing. Fact is, it's tlie on'y way worth 
 strivin' for, John.' 
 
 ' Yes, that's so, William, that's so ; there ain't no gettin' 
 round it. Which of these lots would you recommend ?' 
 
 ' Well, it depends, John. Are you particular about out- 
 look '( ' 
 
 ' I don't say I am, William ; I don't say I ain't. Reely, 
 I don't know. But mainly, I reckon, I'd set store by a 
 south exposure.' 
 
 ' That's easy fixed, John ; they're both south exposure. 
 They take the sun and tfie Shorbs get the shade.' 
 
 ' How abou u sile, William ? ' 
 
 * D's a sandy sile, E's mostly loom.' 
 
 ' You may gimme E, then, William ; a sandy sile caves 
 in more or less, and costs for repairs.' 
 
 ' AU right ; set your name down here, John, under E. 
 Now, if you don't mind payin' me your share of the four- 
 teen dollars, John, while we're on the business, every- 
 thing's fixed.' 
 
 After some higgling and sharp bargaining the money 
 was paid, and John bade his brother good-night and took 
 his leave. There was a silence for some moments, then a 
 soft chuckle welled up from the lonely William, and he 
 muttered : ' I declare for't if I haven't made a mistake ! 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 9 
 
 It'.s D that mostly loom, not K ; and John's booked for a 
 sandy silo after all.' 
 
 There was anotlier soft chuckle, and William departed 
 to his rest also. 
 
 The next day, in New York, was a hot one ; still we 
 inana<ifed to <j^et more or less entertainment out of it. To- 
 ward the mi«ldle of the afternoon wearrive<l on board the 
 staunch steamship ' Bermuda,' with bag and baggage, and 
 hunted for a shady place. It was blazing sunnner weather 
 until we were half way down the harbour. Then I but- 
 toned my coat closely ; half-an-hour later I put on a spring 
 overcoat, and buttoned that. As we passed the light- 
 ship I added an lUster, and tied a handkerchief round the 
 collar to hold it snug up to my neck. So rapidly had the 
 summer gone and the winter come again ! 
 
 By nightfall we \#ere far out at sea, with no land in 
 sight. No telegrams could come here, no letters, no news. 
 It was an uplifting thought. It was still more uplifting 
 to reflect that the millions of harassed people on shore 
 behind us were suffering just as usual. 
 
 The next day brought us into the midst of the Atlantic 
 solitudes, — out of smoke-coloured soundings into fathom- 
 less deep blue ; no ships visible anywhere over the wide 
 ocean ; no company but Mother Gary's chickens, wheeling, 
 darting, skimming the waves in the sun. There were 
 some sea-faring men among the passengers, and the con- 
 versation drifted into matters concerning ships and sailors. 
 One said that ' true as a needle to the pole ' was a bad 
 figure, since the needle seldom pointed to the pole. He 
 said a ship's compass was not faithful to any particular 
 point, but was the most fickle and treacherous of the ser- 
 
 1 
 
10 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 vants of man. It was forovor clinngiiijif. Itt'hnngfMl every 
 day in tho yenr ; consequently the amount of the daily 
 variation had to be ciphered out and allowance made for 
 it, else the mariner would go utterly astray. Another said 
 there was a vast foi-tune waiting for thi; genius who 
 should invent a compass that would not be affected by 
 the local influences of an iron ship. He said there was 
 only one creature more fickle than a wooden ship's com- 
 [)ass, and that was the compass of an iron ship. Then came 
 reference to the well-known fact that an experienced 
 mariner can look at the compass of a new iron vessel 
 thousands of miles from her birth-place, aud tell which 
 way her head was pointing wiien she was in process of 
 building. 
 
 Now an ancient whale-ship master fell to talking about 
 the sort of crews they used to have in his early days. 
 Said he, — 
 
 ' Sometimes we'd have a batch of college students. 
 Queer lot. Ignorant ? Why, they didn't know the cat- 
 heads from the main brace. But if you took them for 
 fools you'd get bit, sure. They'd learn more in a month 
 than another man would in a year. We had one, once, 
 in the ' Mary Ann,' that came on board with gold spectacles 
 on. And besides, he was rigged out from maintruck to 
 keelson in the nobbiest clothes that ever saw a fo'castle. 
 He had a chest full, too ; cloaks and broadcloth coats 
 and velvet vests ; everything swell, you know ; and 
 didn't the salt water fix them, out for him ? I guess 
 not ! Well, going to sea, the mate told him to go aloft 
 and help to shake out the fore-to'-gallants'l. Up he shins 
 to the fore-top, with his spectacles on, and in a minute 
 
AN IDLK EXCURSION. 
 
 n 
 
 ) t 
 
 down ho cornoH again, looking insulted. Say.s the mate, 
 " What did you come down for ? " Says the chap, " P'raps 
 you didn't notice that there ain't any ladders above there." 
 You see we hadn't any shrouds above the foretop. The 
 men bursted out in a laugh such as I guess you never heard 
 the like of. Next night, which was dark and rainy, the 
 mate ordered this chap to go aloft about something, and 
 I'm dummed if he didn't start up with an umbrella and 
 a lantern ! But no matter ; he made a mighty good 
 sailor before the voyage was done, and we had to hunt 
 up something else to laugh at. Years afterwards, when 
 I had forgot all about him, I comes into Boston, mate of 
 a ship, and was loafing about town with the second mate, 
 and it so happened that we stepped into the Revere 
 House, thinking maybe we would chance the salt-horse 
 in that big dining-room for a flyer, as the boys say. Some 
 fellows were talking just at our elbow, and one says, 
 " Yonder's the new governor of Massachusetts, — at that 
 table over there, with the ladies." We tooka good look, my 
 mate andl.forwehadn't either of us seen a governor before. 
 I looked and looked at that face, and then all of a sudden 
 it popped on me. But I didn't give any sign. Says I, 
 " Mate, I've a notion to go over and shake hands with 
 him." Says he, " T think I see you doing it, Tom." Says 
 I, " Mate, I'm a-going to do it." Says he, " Oh, yes, I 
 guess so ! May be you don't want to bet you will, Tom ? " 
 Says I, " I don't mind going a V on it mate." Says he, 
 " Put it up." " Up she goes," says I, planking the cash. 
 This surprised him. But he covered it, and says pretty 
 sarcastic, " Hadn't you better take your grub with the 
 governor and the ladies, Tom ? " Says I, " Upon second 
 
 '^i':. 
 
12 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 |v $ 
 
 I 
 
 thoughts, I v/ill." Says he, " Well, Tom, you are a dum 
 fool." Says I, " May be I am, may be I ain't ; but the 
 main question is, Do you want to risk two and a half that 
 1 won't do it? " " Make it a V," says he. " Done," says I. 
 I started him a-giggling and slapping his hand on his 
 thigh, he felt so good. I went over there and leaned my 
 knuckles on the table a minute and looked the governor 
 in the face, and says I, " Mister Gardner, don't you know 
 me ? " He stared, and I stared, and he stared. Then all 
 of a sudden he sings out, " Tom Bowling, by the holy 
 poker ! Ladies, it's old Tom Bowling, that you've heard 
 me talk about, — shipmate of mine in the ' Mary Ann.' 
 He rose up and shook hands with me ever so hearty, — I 
 sort of glanced around and took a realizing sense of my 
 mate's saucer eyes, — and then says the governor, " Plant 
 yourself, Tom, plant yourself ; you can't cat your anchor 
 again till you've had a feed with me and the ladies! " I 
 planted myself alongside the governor, and canted my 
 eye around towards my mate. Well, sir, his dead-lights 
 were bugged out like tompions ; and his mouth stood 
 that wide open that you could have laid a ham in it with- 
 out noticing it.' ^ 
 
 There was great applause at the conclusion of the old 
 captain's story ; then, after a moment's silence, a grave, 
 pale young man, said, — 
 
 * Had you ever met the governor before ? ' 
 The old captain looked steadily at this inquirer a while, 
 and then got up and walked aft without making any re- 
 ply. One passenger after another stole a furtive glance 
 at the inquirer, but failed to make him out, and so gave 
 him up. It took some little work to get the talk ma- 
 
 J 
 
AN IDLE KXCURSION. 
 
 18 
 
 
 
 chinery to running smoothly again after this derange- 
 ment ; but at length a conversation sprang up about that . 
 important and jealously guarded instrument, a ship's 
 time-keeper, its exceeding delicate accuracy, and the 
 wreck and destruction that have sometimes resulted from 
 its varying a few seemingly trifling moments from the 
 true time ; then, in due course, my comrade, the Rever- 
 erd, got off' on a yarn, with a fair wind and everything 
 drawing. It was a true stoiy, too, — about Captain 
 B ounce ville's shipwreck, — true in every detail. It was 
 to this effect : — 
 
 Captain Rounceville's vessel was lost in mid-Atlantic, 
 and likewise his wife and his two little children. Cap- 
 tain Rounceville and seven seamen escaped with life, but 
 with little else. A small rudely constructed raft was to 
 be their home for eight days. They had neither pro- 
 visions nor water. They had scarcely any clothing ; no- 
 one had a coat but the captain. The coat was changing 
 hands all the time, for the weather was very cold. When- 
 ever a man became exhausted with the cold, they put the 
 coat on him and laid him down between two ship-mates 
 until the garment and their bodies had warmed life into 
 him again. Among the sailors was a Portuguese who 
 knew no English. He seemed to have no thought of his 
 own calamity, but was concerned only about the captain's 
 bitter loss of wife and children. By day, he would look 
 his dumb compassion in the captain's face ; and by night, 
 in the darkness and the driving spray and rain, he would 
 seek out the captain and try to comfort him with caress- 
 ing pais on the shoulder. One day, when hunger and 
 thirst were making their sure inroads upon the men's. 
 
 ii 
 
14 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 strength and spirits, a floating barrel was seen at a dis- 
 tance. It seemed a great find, for doubtless it contained 
 food of some sort. A brave fellow swam to it, and after 
 long and exhausting effort got it to the raft. It was 
 eagerly opened. It was a barrel of magnesia ! On the 
 fifth day an onion was spied. A sailor swam off" and got 
 it. Although perishing with hunger he brought it in its 
 integrity and put it into the captain's hand. The history 
 of the sea teaches that among starving, shipwrecked men, 
 selfishness is rare, and a wonder-compelling magnanimity 
 the rule. The onion was equally divided into eight parts, 
 and eaten with deep thanksgivings. On the eighth day 
 a distant ship was sighted. Attempts were made to 
 hoist an oar with Captain Rounceville's coat on it for a 
 signal. There were many failures, for the men were but 
 skeletons now, and strengthless. At ast success was 
 achieved, but the signal brought no help. The ship faded 
 out of sight and left despair behind her. By and by an- 
 other ship appeared, and passed so near that the cast- 
 aways, every eye eloquent with gratitude, made ready to 
 welcome the boat that would be sent to save them. But 
 this ship also drove on, and left these men staring their 
 unutterable surprise and dismay into each other's ashen 
 faces. Late in the day, still another ship came up out of 
 the distance, but the men noted with a pang that her 
 course was one which would not bring her nearer. Their 
 remnant of life was nearly spent ; their lips and tongues 
 were swollen, parched, cracked with eight days' thirst ; 
 their bodies starved ; and here was their last chance glid- 
 ing relentlessly from them ; they would not be alive when 
 the next sun rose. For a day or two past the men had 
 
 y 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 15 
 
 lost their voices, but now Captain Rounceville whis- 
 pered, ' Let us pray.' Tlie Portuguese patted him on the 
 shoulder in sign of deep approval. All knelt at the base 
 of the oar that was waving the signal coat aloft, and bowed 
 their heads. The sea was tossing ; the sun rested, a red, 
 rayless disk, on the sea-line in the west. When the men 
 presently raised their heads they would have roared a 
 hallelujah if they had had a voice ; the ship's sails lay 
 wrinkled and flapping against her masts, she was going 
 about ! Here was a rescue at last, and in the very last 
 instant of time that was left for it. No, not rescue yet, 
 — only the imminent prospect of it. The red disk sank 
 under the sea and darkness blotted out the ship. By and 
 by came a pleasant sound, — oars moving in a boat's row- 
 locks. Nearer it came, and nearer, — within thirty steps, 
 but nothing visible. Then a deep voice: ' Ho\-lo !' The 
 castaways could not answer; their swollen tongues re- 
 fused voice. The boat skirted round and round the raft, 
 started away — the agony of it! — returned, rested on the 
 oars, close at hand, listening, no doubt. The deep voice 
 again: 'Hol-^o! Where are ye, shipmates?' Captain 
 Rounceville whispered to his men, saying : ' Whisper 
 your best, boys ! now — all at once ! So they sent out an 
 eight-fold whisper in hoarse concert : ' Here ! ' There was 
 life in it if it succeeded ; death if it failed. After that 
 supreme moment Captain Rounceville was conscious of 
 nothing until he came to himself on board of the saving 
 ship. Said the Reverend, concluding : — 
 
 ' There was one little moment of time in which that raft 
 could be visible from that ship, and only one. If that one 
 little fleeting moment had passed unfruitful, those men's 
 
16 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 doom was sealed. As close as that does God shave events 
 foreordained from the beginning of the world. When the 
 sun reached the water's edge that day, the captain of that 
 ship was sitting on deck reading his prayer-book. The 
 book fell ; he stooped to pick it up, and happened to glance 
 at the sun. In that instant that far off* raft appeared for 
 a second against the red disk, its needle-like oar and di- 
 minished signal cut sharp and black against the bright 
 surface, and in the next instant was thrust away into the 
 dusk again. But that ship, that captain, and that preg- 
 nant instant had had their work appointed for them in 
 the dawn of time and could not fail of the performance ! ' 
 
 There was a deep, thoughtful silence for some moments. 
 Then the grave, pale young man said, — 
 
 ' What is the chronometer of God ? ' 
 
AN IDLE EXCUUSION. 
 
 17 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 T dinner, six o'clock, the same people assembled 
 whom we had talked with on deck and seen at 
 luncheon and breakfast this second day out, and at 
 dinner the evening before. That is to say, three journey- 
 ing ship-masters, a Boston merchant, and a returning 
 Bermudian who had been absent from his Bermuda thir- 
 teen years ; these sat on the starboard side. On the port 
 side sat the Reverend in the seat of honour ; the pale young 
 man next to him ; I next ; next to me an aged Bermudian, 
 returning to his sunny islands after an absence of twenty - 
 seven years. Of course our captain was at the head of the 
 table, the purser at the foot of it. A small company, but 
 small companies are pleasantest. 
 
 No racks upon the table ; the sky cloudless, the sun 
 brilliant, the blue sea scarcely ruffled : then what had be- 
 come of the four married couples, the three bachelors, and 
 the active and obliging doctor from the rural districts of 
 Pennsylvania ? — for all these were on deck when we sailed 
 down New York harbour. This is the explanation. I 
 quote from my note book : — 
 
 Thursday, 3.30 p.m. Under way, passing the Battery. 
 The large party, of four mairied couples, three bachelors, 
 and a cheery, exhilarating doctor from the wilds of Penn- 
 sylvania, are evidently travelling together. All but the 
 doctor grouped in camp-chairs on deck. 
 
18 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 Passing principal fort. The doctor is one of those peo- 
 ple who has an infallible preventive of sea-sickness ; i.'+ 
 flitting from friend to friend administering it and saying, 
 " Don't you be afraid ; I k7ioiu this medicine ; absolutely 
 infallible ; prepared under my own supervision." Takes 
 a dose himself, intrepidly. 
 
 4.15 P.M. Two of those ladies have struck their colours, 
 notwithstanding the " infallible." They have gone below. 
 The other two begin to show distress. 
 
 5 P.M. Exit one husband and one bachelor. These 
 still had their infallible in cargo when they started, but 
 arrived at the companion-way without it. 
 
 5.10. Lady No. 3, two bachelors, and one married man 
 have gone below with their own opinion of the infallible. 
 
 5.20. Passing Quarantine Hulk. The infallible has 
 done the business for all the party except the Scotchman's 
 wife and the author of that formidable remedy. 
 
 Nearing the Light-Ship. Exit the Scotchman's wife, 
 head dropped on stewardess's shoulder. 
 
 Entering the open sea. Exit doctor ! 
 
 The rout seems permanent ; hence the smallness of the 
 company at table since the voyage began. Our captain 
 is a grave, handsome Hercules of thirty-five, with a brown 
 hand of such majestic size that one cannot eat for admir- 
 ing it and wondering if a single kid or calf could furnish 
 material for gloving it. 
 
 Conversation not general; drones along between couples. 
 One catches a sentence here and there. Like this, from 
 Bermudian of thirteen years' absence : " It is the nature 
 of woman to ask trivial, irrelevant, and pursuing ques- 
 
 mmmmm 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 10 
 
 tions, — questions that pursue you from a beginning in 
 nothing to a run-to-cover in nowhere." Reply of Ber- 
 mudian of twenty-seven years' absence : " Yes ; and to 
 think they have logical, analytical minds and argumenta- 
 tive ability. Y^ou see 'em begin to whet up whenever 
 they smell argument in the air." Plainly these be philo- 
 sophers. 
 
 Twice since we left port our engines have stopped for a 
 couple of minutes at a time. Now they stop again. Says 
 the pale young man, meditatively, " There ! — that engi- 
 neer is sitting down to rest again." 
 
 Grave stare from the captain, whose mighty jaws cease 
 to work, and whose harpooned potato stops in mid-air on 
 its way to his open paralyzed mouth. Presently says he 
 in measured tones, " Is it your idea that the engineer of 
 this ship propels her by a crank turned by his own 
 hands?" 
 
 The pale young man studies over this a moment, then 
 lifts up his guileless eyes, and says, " Don't he ? " 
 
 Thus gently falls the death-blow to further conversa- 
 tion, and the dinner drags to its close in a reflective silence, 
 disturbed by no sounds but the murmurous wash of the 
 sea and the subdued clash of teeth. 
 
 After a smoke and a promenade on deck, where is no 
 motion to discompose our steps, we think of a game of 
 whist. We ask the brisk and capable stewardess if there 
 are any cards in the ship. 
 
 " Bless your soul, dear, indeed there is. Not a whole 
 pack, true for ye, but not enough missing to signify." 
 
 However, I happened by accident to bethink me of a 
 new pack in a morocco case, in my trunk, which I had 
 
 
■I I — W^MIPI— 
 
 '■■ A 
 
 20 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 placed there by mistake, thinking it to be a flask of some- 
 thing. So a party of us conquered the tedium of the even- 
 ing with a few games and were ready for bed about six 
 bells, mariner's time, the signal for putting out the lights. 
 
 There was much chat in the smoking-cabin on the ui)per 
 deck after luncheon to-day, mostly whaler yarns from 
 those old sea-captains. Captain Tom Bowling was garru- 
 lous. He had that garrulous attention to minor detail 
 which is born of secluded farm life oi life at sea on long- 
 voyages, where there is little to do and time no object. 
 He would sail along till he was right in the most exciting- 
 part of a yarn, and then say, " Well, as I was- saying, the 
 rudder was fouled, ship driving before the gale, head-on, 
 straight for the iceberg, all hands holding their breath, 
 turned to stone, top-hamper giving way, sails blown to 
 ribbons, first one stick going, then another, boom ! smash ! 
 crash ! duck your head and stand from under ! when up 
 comes Johnny Rogers, capstan bar in hand, eyes a-blazing, 
 hair a-flying . . . no 't wasn't Johnny Rogers . . . 
 let me see . . . seems to me Johnny Rogers wa'n't 
 along that voyage ; Le was along one voyage, I know that 
 mighty well, but somehow it seems to me that he signed 
 the articles for this voyage, but — but — whether he come 
 along or not, or got left, or something happened " — 
 
 And so on and so on, till the excitement all cooled down 
 and nobody cared whether the ship struck the iceberg or 
 not. 
 
 In the course of his talk he rambled into a criticism 
 upon New England degrees of merit in ship-building. 
 Said he, " You get a vessel built away down Maine-way ; 
 Bath, for instance ; what's the result ? First thing you 
 
 >»; 
 
 :;* 
 
 ^ 
 
 ■J 
 
 '.'■...kti.i.-.-f.-i.:. ,.j, .— .■..:i4J.J.a..L.tk^i,...--,.-^:, -iili iMfiili 
 
 ^itUtlltt 
 
 mm 
 
■■•■ 
 
 ■^l 
 
 i 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 21 
 
 
 do, you want to heave her down for repairs, — ikaUB the 
 result ! Well, sir, she hain't been down a week till you 
 can heave a dog through her seams. You send that ves- 
 sel to sea, and what's the result ? She wets her oakum 
 the first trip ! Leave it to any man if 't ain't so. Well, 
 you let our folks build you a vessel — down New Bedford 
 way. What's the result ? Well, sir, you might take that 
 ship and heave her down, and keep her hove down six 
 months, and she'll never shed a tear ! " 
 
 Everybody, landsmen and all, recognised the descrip- 
 tive neatness of that figure, and applauded, which greatly 
 pleased the old man. A moment later, the meek eyes of 
 the pale young fellow heretofore mentioned came up 
 slowly, rested upon the old man's face a moment, and the 
 meek mouth began to open. 
 
 " Shet your head ! " shouted the old mariner. 
 
 It was a rather startling surprise to everybody, but it 
 was eft'ective in the matter of its purpose. So the conver- 
 sation flowed on instead of perishing. r 
 
 There was some talk about the perils of the sea, and a 
 landsman delivered himself of the customary nonsense 
 about the poor mariner wandering in far oceans, tempest- 
 tossed, pursued by dangers, every storm blast and thunder- 
 bolt in the home skies moving the friends by snug firesides 
 to compassion for that poor mariner, and prayers for his 
 succour. Captain Bowling put up with this for a while, 
 and then burst out with a new view of the matter. 
 
 " Come, belay there ! I have read this kind of rot all 
 
 my life in poetry and tales and such like rubbage. Pity 
 
 for the poor mariner 1 sympathy for the poor mariner ! 
 
 All right enough, but not in the way the poetry puts it. 
 - B 
 
22 
 
 AN IDLE EXCUKHION. 
 
 Pity for the mariner's wife ! all right a«,fain, but not in 
 the way the poetry puts it. Look-a-here ! whose life's 
 the safest in the whole world i Tlie poor mariners. You 
 look at the statistics, you'll see. So don't you fool away 
 any sympathy on the poor mariner's dangers and priva- 
 tions and sufferings. Leave tliat to the poetry nmtis. 
 Now you look at the other side a minute. Here is Cap- 
 tain Brace, forty years old, been at sea thirty. On his 
 way now to take command of his ship and sail south from 
 Bermuda. Next week he'll be under way : easy times, 
 comfortable quarters ; passengers, sociable company ; just 
 enough to do to keep his mind healthy and not tire him ; 
 king over his ship, boss of everything and everybody ; 
 thirty years' safety to learn him that his profession ain't 
 a dangerous one. Now you look back atj^his home. His 
 wife's a feeble woman ; she's a stranger in New York ; 
 shut up in blazing hot or freezing cold lodgings, according 
 to the season ; don't know anybody hardly ; no company 
 but her lonesomeness and her thoughts ; husband gone 
 six months at a time. She has borne eight children ; live 
 of them she has buried without her husband ever setting 
 eyes on them. She watched them alFthe long'nights till 
 they died, — he comfortable on the sea ; she followed them 
 to the grave, she heard t'^e ciods fall that broke her heart, 
 — he comfortable on the sea ; she mourned at home, weeks 
 and weeks, missing them every day and every hour, — he 
 cheerful at sea knowing nothing about it. Now look at 
 it a minute, — turn it over in vour mind and size it : five 
 children born, she among strangers, and him not by to 
 hearten her ; buried, and him not by to comfort her ; 
 think of that ! Sympathy for the poor mariner's perils is 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 28 
 
 rot ; givo it to his wife's hard lines, where it belongs ! 
 Poetry makes out that all the wife worries about is the 
 danger her husband's running. She's got substantialer 
 things to worry over, I tell you. Poetry's always pitying 
 the poor mariner on account of his perils at sea ; better a 
 blamed sight pity him for the nights ho can't sleep for 
 thinking of how he had to leave his wife in her very birth 
 pains, lonesome and friendless, in the thick of disease and 
 trouble and death. If there's one thing that can make 
 me madder than another, it's this sappy, damned maritime 
 poetry ! " 
 
 Captain Brace was a patient, gentle, seldom-speaking 
 man, with a pathetic something in his bronzed face that 
 had been a mystery up to this time, but stood interpreted 
 now, since we had heard his story. He had voyaged 
 eighteen times to the Mediterranean, seven times to India, 
 once to the Arctic pole in a discovery ship, and " between 
 times " had visited all the remote seas and ocean corners 
 of the globe. But he said that twelve years ago, on 
 account of his family, he " settled down," and ever since 
 then had ceased to roam. And what do you suppose was 
 this simple-hearted, life-long wanderer's idea of settling 
 down and ceasing to roam ? Why, the making of two five- 
 month voyages a year between Surinam and Boston for 
 sugar and molasses. 
 
 Among other talk, to-day, it came out that whale-ships 
 carry no doctor. The captain adds the doctorship to his 
 own duties. He not only gives medicines, but sets broken 
 limbs after notions of his own, or saws them off and sears 
 the stump when amputation seems best. T^e captain is 
 provided with a medicine chest, with the medicines num- 
 
24 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 berod instead of named. A book of directionH goes with 
 this. It descri))es diseases and symptoms, and says, 
 " Give a tcaspoonful of No. 9 once an hour," or *' Give teri 
 grains of No. 12 every half-hour," etc. One of our sen- 
 captains came across a skipper in the North Paciilo who 
 was in a state of great surprise and perplexity. S./i 1 he : 
 
 " There's something rotten about this niudicine-chest 
 business. One of my men was sick, — nothing much the 
 matter. I looked in the book : it said, give him a tea- 
 spoonful of No. 15. I went to the medicine-chest, and I 
 see I was out of No. 15. I judged I'd got to get ^up a 
 combination somehow that would fill the bill ; so I hove 
 into the fellow L.dl'a teaspoonful of No. 8 and half a tea- 
 flpoonful of No. 7, and I'll be hanged if it didn't kill him 
 in fifteen minutes ! There's something about this medi- 
 cine-chest system that's too many for me ! " 
 
 There was a good deal of pleasant gossip about old 
 Captain " Hurricane '' Jones, of the Pacific Ocean, — peace 
 to his ashes ! Two or three of us present had known him ; 
 I, particularly, well, for I had T»:fidt> four sea- voyages 
 with him. He u as a very remP"kiih!<. rian. !^T > ^^^j 
 bom in a ship ; he picked up wl '".. uie education he had 
 among his shipmates ; he began life in the forecastle, and 
 climbed grade by grade to the captaincy. More than fifty 
 vears of his sixty-five were spent at sea. He had sailed 
 Jl , seans, jcen all lands, and borrowed a tint from all 
 dimates. When a man has been fifty years at sea, he 
 jieeessarily knows nothing of men, nothing of the world 
 but its surface, nothing of the world's thought, nothing of 
 the world's learning but its A. B. C, and that blurred and/ 
 distorted by the unfocused lenses of an untrained mind. 
 
 \. 
 
AS IDLE KXCURSTON. 
 
 i 
 
 Sucli a man iy only a gray and bc^ardod child This is 
 wliat old Hurricane JoncH whs, — simply an iuiit v nt, lov* 
 able old infant. When his spirit was in rep, <He he ^rmmi 
 Hwoet and yontlo as a girl ; whun his wrath wai- up h vva* 
 u hurricane that made his nickname seeui tamel' desi ip- 
 tive. Ho was forniidal>le in a fight, for he \ as ot oweii^'ul 
 build and dauntless coiragc He was frcscoeifl h* n 
 head to heel with picturt ^ and mottoes tatooedwi re ojkI 
 blue India ink. I was u th him one voyage wIkjd gut 
 his last vacant space tat roocd ; this vacant spa^ >vas 
 around his left ankle, durin ; three days he stumped n »ut 
 the ship with his ankle bare and 8woll(m, and this 1( id 
 gleaming red and angry out from a cloudinjji of Indiji k. : 
 " Virtue is its own R'd." (There was a laick of rin i.) 
 He was deeply and sincerely | 'ious, and swore like at 
 woman. He considered sw aring blameless, becav_^ 
 sailors would not understand an order unillumined by i4. 
 He was a }irofound Biblical scliolar, — that is, he thought 
 he was. He believed everything in the Bible, but he had 
 his own methods of arriving at his beliefs. He was of 
 the "advanced " school of think '^rs, and applied natural 
 laws to the interpretation of all miracles, somewhat on the 
 plan of the people who make the six days of creation six 
 geological epochs, and so forth. Without being aware of 
 it, he was a rather severe satirt- on modern scientific 
 religionists. Such a man as I have been describing is 
 rabidly fond of disquisition and argument; one knows 
 that without being told it. 
 
 One trip the captain had a clergyman on board, but did 
 not know he was a clergyman, since the passenger list 
 did not betray the fact. He took a great liking to this 
 
26 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 Rev. Mr. Peters, and talked with hini a great deal : told 
 him yarns, gave him toothsome scraps of personal history, 
 and wove a glittering streak of profanity through his 
 garrulous fabric that was refreshing to a spirit weary of 
 the dull neutralities of undecorated speech. One day the 
 captain said, " Peters, do you ever read the Bible ?" 
 
 "Well— yes." 
 
 " I judge it ain't often, by the way you say it. Now, 
 you tackle it in dead earnest once, and you '11 find it '11 
 pay. Don't you get discouraged, but hang right on. 
 First, you won't understand it ; but by and by, things 
 will begin to clear up, and then you wouldn't lay it down 
 to eat." 
 
 " Yes, I have heard that said." 
 
 " And it's so, too. There ain't a book that begins with 
 it. It lays over 'em all, Peters. There's some pretty 
 tough things in it, — there ain't any getting around that, 
 — but you stick to them and think them out, and when 
 once you get on the inside everything's plain as day." 
 
 " The miracles, too captain ? " 
 
 "Yes, sir ! the miracles, too. Every one of them. Now, 
 there's that business with the prophets of Baal ; like 
 enough that stumped you ? " 
 
 " Well, I don't know, but "— 
 
 " Own up, now ; it stumped you. Well, I don't wonder. 
 You hadn't had any experience in raveling such things 
 out, and naturally it was too many for you. Would you 
 like to have me explain that thing to you, and show you 
 how to get at the meat of these matters ?" 
 
 " Indeed, I would, captain, if you don't mind." 
 
 Then the captain proceeded as follows : " I'll do it with 
 
 y. 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 27 
 
 \ 
 
 pleasure. First, you see, I read and read, and thought 
 and thought, till I got to understand what sort of people 
 they were in the old Bible times, and then after that it 
 was all clear and easy. Now, this was the way I put it 
 up, concerning Isaac* and the prophets of Baal. There 
 was some mighty sharp men amongst the public characters 
 of that old ancient day, and Isaac was one of them. Isaac 
 had his failings, — plenty of them, too ; it ain't for me to 
 apologize for Isaac ; he played it on the prophets of Baal, 
 and like enough he was justifiable considering the odds 
 that was against him. No, all I say is, 'twa'iit any mira- 
 cle, and that I'll show you so's't you can see it yourself. 
 
 " Well, times had. been getting rougher and rougher for 
 prophets, — thatis, prophets of Isaac's denomination. There 
 was four hundred and fifty prophets of Baal in the com- 
 munity, and only one Presbyterian ; that is, if Isaac was 
 a Presbyterian, which I reckon he was, but it don't say. 
 Naturally, the prophets of Baal took all the trade. Isaac 
 was pretty low-spirited, I reckon, but he was a good deal 
 of a man, and no doubt he went a-prophesying around, 
 letting on to be doing a land-office business, but 't wa'nt 
 any use; he couldn't run any opposition to amount to any- 
 thing. By and by things got desperate with him ; he sets 
 his head to work and thinks it all out, and then what does 
 he do ? Why, he begins to throw out hints that the other 
 parties are this and that and t'other, — nothing very definite, 
 may be, but just kind of undermining their reputation in 
 a quiet way. This made talk, of course, and finally got to 
 the king. The king asked Isaac what he meant by his 
 talk. Says Isaac, ' Oh, nothing particular ; only can they 
 
 * This is the captain's own mistake. 
 
\ 
 
 28 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 i 
 
 i ', 
 
 pray down fire from heaven on an altar ? It ain't much, 
 may be, your majesty, only can they do it ? That's the 
 idea.' So the king wns a good deal disturbed, and he 
 went to the prophets of Baal, and they said, pretty airy, 
 that if he liad an altar ready, they were ready ; and they 
 intimated that he had better get it insured, too. 
 
 " So next morning all the children of Israel and their 
 parents and the other people gathered themselves together. 
 Well, here was that great crowd of prophets of Baal 
 packed together on one side, and Isaac walking up and 
 down all alone on the other, putting up his job. When 
 time was called, Isaac let on to be comfortable and indif- 
 ferent ; told the other team to take the first innings. So 
 they went at it, the whole four hundred and fifty, pray- 
 ing around the altar, very hopeful, and doing their level 
 best. They prayed an hour, — two hours, — three hours, — 
 and so on, plumb till noon. It wa'n't any use ; they 
 hadn't took a trick. Of course they felt kind of ashamed 
 before all those people, and well they might. Now, what 
 would a magnanimous man do ? Keep still, wouldn't he ? 
 Of course. What did Isaac do ? He graveled the prophets 
 of Baal eveiy way he could think of. Says he, ' You 
 don't speak up loud enough ; your god's asleep, like 
 enough, or may be he's taking a walk ; you want to holler, 
 you know ', — or words to that effect ; I don't recollect the 
 exact language. Mind, I don't apologize for Isaac ; he 
 had his faults. 
 
 " Well., the prophets of Baal prayed along the best they 
 knew how all the afternoon, and never raised a spark . At 
 last, about sundown, they were all tuckered out, and they 
 owned up and quit. 
 
 ■ 
 
 i 
 
 - 1 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 2& 
 
 
 i 
 
 " What does Isaac do, now ? He steps up and says to 
 some friends of his, there, ' Pour four barrels of water on 
 the altar !' Everybody was astonished ; for the other side 
 prayed at it dry, you know, and got whitewashed. They 
 poured it on. Says he, * Heave on four more barrels.' 
 Then he says, ' Heave on four more.' Twelve bar- 
 rels, you see, altogether. The water ran all over the 
 altar, and all down the sides, and filled up a trench around 
 it that would hold a couple of hogsheads, — ' measures,' it 
 says ; I reckon it means about a hogshead. Some of the 
 peo])le were going to put on their things and go, for they 
 allowed he was crazy. They didn't know Isaac. Isaac 
 knelt down and began to pray : he strung along, and 
 strung along, about the heathen in distant lands, and 
 about the sister churches, and about the state and the 
 country at large, and about those that's in authority in 
 the government, and all the usual programme, you know, 
 till everybody had got tired and gone to thinking about 
 something else, and then all of a sudden, when nobody 
 was noticing, he outs with a match and rakes it on the 
 under side of his leg, and pff ! up the whole thing blazes 
 like a house afire ! Twelve barrels of luater ? Petroleum^ 
 Sir, PETROLEUM ! that's what it was !" 
 
 " Petroleum, captain ? " 
 
 " Yes, Sir ; the country was full of it. Isaac knew all 
 about that. You read the Bible. Don't you worry about 
 the tough places. They ain't tough when you come to 
 think them out and throw light on them. There ain't a 
 thing in the Bible but what is true ; all you want is to go 
 prayerfully to work and cipher out how 'twas done." 
 
 At eight o'clock on the third morning out from New 
 
30 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 York, land was sighted. Away across the sunny waves one 
 saw a faint dark stripe stretched along under the horizon 
 — or pretended to see it, for the credit of his eye-sight. 
 Even the Reverend said he saw it, a thing which was 
 manifestly not so. But I never have seen any one who was 
 morally strong enough to confess that he could not see 
 land when others claimed that they could. 
 
 By and by the Bermuda Islands were easily visible. The 
 principal one lay upon the water in the distance, a long, 
 dull-coloured body, scalloped with slight hills and valleys. 
 We could not go straight at it, but had to travel all the 
 way around it, sixteen miles from shore, because it is 
 fenced with an invisible coral reef. At last we sighted 
 buoys, bobbing here and there, and then we glided into a 
 narrow channel among them, " raised the reef," and came 
 upon shoaling blue water that soon further shoaled into 
 pale green, with a surface scarcely rippled. Now came the 
 resurrection hour: the berths gave up their dead. Who 
 are these pale spectres in plug hats and silken flounces 
 that file up the companion-way in melancholy procession 
 and step upon the deck ? These are they which took the 
 infallible preventive of sea-sickness in New York harbour 
 and then disappeared and were forgotten. Also there came 
 two or three faces not seen before until this moment. 
 One's impulse is to ask, " Where did you come aboard ? " 
 
 We followed the narrow channel a long time, with land 
 on both sides — low hills that might have been green and 
 grassy, but had a faded look instead. However, the land- 
 locked water was lovely, at any rate, with its glittering 
 belts of blue and green where moderate soundings were, 
 and its broad splotches of rich brown where the rocks 
 
 \ 
 
 if 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 81 
 
 ^ 
 
 lay near the surface. Everybody was feeling so well that 
 even the grave, pale young man (who, by a sort of kindly 
 common consent, had come latterly to be referred to as 
 " the Ass") received frequent and friendly notice — which 
 was right enough, for there was no harm in him. 
 
 At last we steamed between two island points whose 
 rocky jaws allowed only just enough room for the vessel's 
 body, and now before us loomed Hamilton on her clus- 
 tered hill-sides and summits, the whitest mass of terraced 
 architecture that exists in the world perhaps. 
 
 It was Sunday afternoon, and on the pier were gathered 
 one or two hundred Bermudians, half of them black, half 
 of them white, and all of them nobbily dressed, as the poet 
 says. 
 
 Several boats came off to the ship, bringing citizens. 
 One of these citizens was a faded, diminutive old gentle- 
 man, who approached our most ancient passenger with a 
 childlike joy in his twinkling eyes, halted before him, 
 folded his arms, and said, smiling with all his might and 
 with all the simple delight that was in him, " You don't 
 know me, John ! Come, out with it, now ; you know you 
 don't!" 
 
 The ancient passenger scanned him perplexedly, scan- 
 ned the napless, threadbare costume of venerable fashion 
 that had done Sunday-service no man knows how many 
 years, contemplated the marvellous stove-pipe hat of still 
 more ancient and venerable pattern, with its poor pathe- 
 tic old stiff brim canted up " gallusly" in the wrong places 
 and said, with a hesitation that indicated strong internal 
 effort to " place " the gentle old apparition, " Why . . . 
 let me see . . . plague on it . . . there's something 
 
I' I 
 
 
 ^w< 
 
 32 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 about you that . . . er . . . er . . . but I 'v^e been 
 gone from Bermuda for twenty-seven years, and . . . 
 hum, hum ... I don't seem to get at it, somehow, but 
 there's something about you that is just as familiar to me 
 
 as 
 
 " Likely it might be his hat," murmured the Ass, with 
 sympathetic interest. 
 
 li'uUliO' 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 the Reverend and I had at last arrived at Hamil- 
 ton, the principal town in the Bermuda Islands. A 
 wonderfully white town; white as snow itself. 
 White as marble ; white as flour. Yet looking like none 
 of these, exactly. Never mind, we said ; we shall hit 
 uopn a figure by and by that will describe this peculiar 
 white. 
 
 It was a town that was compacted together upon the 
 sides and tops of a cluster of small hills. Its outlying 
 borders fringed oft' and thinned away among the cedar 
 forests, and there was no woody distance of curving coast, 
 or leafy islet sleeping upon the dimpled, painted sea, but 
 was flecked with shining white points — half-concealed 
 houses peeping out of the foliage. 
 
 The architecture of the town was mainly Spanish, in- 
 herited from the colonists of two hundred and fifty years 
 ago. Some ragged-topped cocoa-palms, glimpsed here and 
 there, gave the land a tropical aspect. 
 
 There was an ample pier of heavy masonry; upon this, 
 under shelter, were some thousands of barrels containing 
 that product which has carried the fame of Bermuda to 
 many lands — the potato. With here and there an onion. 
 That last sentence is facetious; for they grow at least two 
 onions in Bermuda to one potato. The onion is the pride 
 and joy of Bermuda. It is her jewel, her gem of gems. In 
 her conversation, her pulpit, her literature, it is her most 
 
1 
 
 I ! 
 
 34 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 frequent and eloquent %urc. In Bermudian metaphor it 
 stands for perfection — perfection absolute. 
 
 The Bermudian weeping over the departed, exhausts 
 praise when he says, ' He was an onion !' The Bermudian 
 extolling the living hero, bankrupts applause when he 
 says, ' He is an onion! ' The Bermudian setting his son 
 upon the stage of life to dare and do for himself, climaxes 
 all counsel, supplication, admonition, comprehends all am- 
 bition, when he says, ' Be an onion ! ' 
 
 When parallel with the pier, and ten or fifteen steps out- 
 side it, we anchored. It was Sunday, bright and sunny. 
 The groups upon the pier, men, youths, and boys, were 
 whites and blacks in about equal proportion. All were 
 well and neatly dressed, many of them nattily, a few of 
 them very stylishly. One would have to travel far before 
 he would find another town of twelve thousand inhabi- 
 tants that could represent itself so respectably, in the mat- 
 ter of clothes, on a freight-pier, without premeditation or 
 effort. The women and young girls, black and white, who 
 occasionally passed by, were nicely clad, and many were 
 elegantly and fashionably so. The men did not aflfeciv 
 summer clothing much, but the girls and women did, and 
 their w hite garments were good to look at, after so many 
 months of familiarity with sombre colours. 
 
 Around one isolated potato barrel stood four young gen- 
 tlemen, two black, two white, becomingly dressed, each 
 with the head of a slender cane pressed against his teeth, 
 and each with a foot propped up on the barrel. Another 
 young gentleman came up, looked longingly at the bar- 
 rel but saw no rest for his foot there. He wandered here 
 and there, but without result. Nobody sat upon a barrel, • 
 
 1 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 35 
 
 as is the custom of the idle in other lands, yet all the iso- 
 lated barrels were humanly cecupied. Whosoever had a 
 foot to spare put it on a barrel, if all the places on it v/ere 
 not already taken. The habits of all peoples are deter- 
 mined by their circumstances. Tlie Bermudian:j lean upon 
 barrels because of the scarcity of lamp-posts. 
 
 Many citizens came on board and spoke eagerly to the 
 officers — inquiring about the Turco-Russian war news, I 
 supposed. However, by listening judiciously, I found 
 that this was not so. They said, ' What is the price of 
 onions ? ' or, ' how is onions ? ' Naturally enough this was 
 their first interest ; but they dropped into the war the 
 moment it was satisfied. 
 
 We went ashore and found a novelty of a pleasing na- 
 ture; there were no hackmen, hacks, or omnibuses on the 
 pier or about it anywhere, and nobody offered his services 
 to us, 01 molested us in any way. I said it was like being 
 in heaven. The Reverend rebukingly and rather point- 
 edly advised me to make the most of it, then. We knew 
 of a boarding-house, and what we needed now was some- 
 body to pilot us to it. Presently a little barefooted col- 
 oured boy came along, whose raggedness was conspicu- 
 ously un-Bernmdian. His rear was so marvellously be- 
 patched with coloured squares and triangles that one was 
 half persuaded he had got it out of an atlas. When the 
 sun struck him right, he was as good to follow as a light- 
 ning-bug. We hired him and dropped into his wake. He 
 piloted us through one picturesque street after another, 
 and in due course deposited us where we belonged. He 
 charged us nothing for his map, and but a trifle for his 
 services ; so the Reverend doubled it. The little chap re- 
 
86 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 ceived the money with a beaming applause in his eye 
 which plainly said, ' This man's an onion ! ' 
 
 Wo had brouifht no letters of introduction . Our names 
 had been misspelt in the passenger list ; nobody knew 
 whether we were honest folk or otherwise. So we were 
 expecting to have a good private time in case there was 
 nothing in our general aspect to close boarding-house 
 doors asfainst us. We had no trouble. Bei muda has had 
 but little experience of rascals, and is not suspicious. We 
 got large, cool, well-lighted rooms on a second floor, over- 
 looking a bloomy display of flowers and flowering shrubs 
 — calla and annunciation lilies, Ian tanas, heliotrope, jessa- 
 mine, roses, pinks, double geraviiums, oleanders, pomegra- 
 nates, blue morning-glories of a great size, and many 
 plants that were unknown to me. 
 
 We took a long afternoon walk, and soon found out 
 that that exceedingly white town was built of blocks of 
 white coral. Bermuda is a coral island, with a six-inch 
 crust of soil on top of it, and every man has a quarry on 
 his own premises. Everywhere you go you see square 
 recesses cut into the hill-sides, with perpendicular walls 
 unmarred by crack or crevice, and perhaps you fancy that 
 a house grew out of the ground there, and has been re- 
 moved in a single piece from the mould. If you do, you 
 •err. But the material for a house has been quarried there 
 They cut right doWn through the coral, to any depth that 
 is convenient — ten to twenty feet — and take it out in 
 gi'eat square blocks. This cutting is done with a chisel 
 that has a handle twelve or fifteen feet long, and is used 
 as one uses a crowbar when he is drilling a hole, or a 
 dasher when he is churning. Thus soft is this stone. 
 
 %l 
 
 9.\ 
 
 ;'■ " 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION, 
 
 H7 
 
 i 
 
 V 
 
 B 
 
 , I 
 
 XI 
 
 ) 
 
 Then with a common handsaw they saw the j^ieat blocks 
 into liand.some, huge bricks that are two feet long, a foot 
 wide, and about six inches thick. These stand loosely 
 piled during a month to harden ; then the work of build- 
 ing begins. The house is built of these blocks ; it is roofed 
 with broad coral slabs an inch thick, whose edges lap upon 
 each other, so that the roof looks like a succession of shal- 
 low steps or terraces ; the chimneys are built of the coral 
 blocks and sawed into graceful and picturesque patterns ; 
 the ground-floor veranda is paved with coral blocks — 
 built in massive panels, with broad cap-stones and heavy 
 gate-posts, and the whole trimmed into easy lines and 
 comely shape with the saw. Then they put a hard coat 
 of whitewash, as thick as your thumb-nail, on the fence 
 and all over the house, roof, chimneys, and all ; the sun 
 comes out and shines on this spectacle, and it is time for 
 you to shut your unaccustomed eyes, lest they be put out» 
 It is the whitest white you can conceive of, and the blind- 
 ingest. A Bermuda house does not look like marble ; it 
 is a much intenser white than that ; and besides, there is 
 a dainty, indefinable something else about its look that is. 
 not marble-like. We put in a great deal of solid talk and 
 reflection over this matter of trying to find a figure that 
 would describe the unique white of a Bermuda house, and 
 we contrived to hit upon it at last. It is exactly the 
 white of the icing of a cake, and has the same unempha- 
 sized and scarcely perceptible polish. The white of mar- 
 ble is modest and retiring compared with it. 
 
 After the house is cased in its hard scale of whitewash, 
 not a crack, or sign of a seam, or joining of the blocks, is 
 detectable, from base-stone to chimney-top ; the building 
 
ns 
 
 AN IDI.K KXCUUSION. 
 
 InoUsiis if it lijul liecii carved from a ,sin;;l«' Mock of stoin', 
 aixl the (looi-s and vviiulows .sawi'd out afterwards. A 
 wliiti' niarltlc liousc has a cold, toiid)-Iii<e, uiisocial»l«! look, 
 and takes tlie conversation out of a body and depresses 
 liini. Notsowitli a Bermuda house. Tliere is something 
 ♦•xhilarating, even hilarious, about its vivid whiteness 
 when tlie sun plays upon it. If it be of picturescpie sliape 
 and graceful contour — an<l many of the Bermudian <lwell- 
 ings are— it will so fascinate you that you will keep your 
 eyes upon it until they ache. One of those clean-cut 
 fanciful cliimncys — too pure and white for tliis worl<l — 
 with one side glowing in the sun and the other touched 
 witli a soft shadow, is an object that will cliarm one's gaze 
 by the hour. I know of no other country that has chim- 
 neys worthy to be gazed at an<l ghjated over. One of 
 those snowy houses, half-concealed and half-glimpsed 
 through green foliage, is a pretty thing to see; and if it 
 takes one by surprise and suddenly, as he turns a sharp 
 corner of a country road, it will wring an exclamation 
 from him, sure. 
 
 Wherever you go, in town or country, you find those 
 snowy houses, and always with masses of bright-coloured 
 flowers about thcm,but with no vines climbing their walls ; 
 vines cannot take hold of the smooth, hard whitewash. 
 Wherever you go, in the town or along the country roads, 
 among little potato farms and patches or expensive coun- 
 try-seats, these stainless white dwellings, gleaming out 
 from flowers and foliage, meet you at every turn. The 
 least little bit of a cottage is as white and blemishless as 
 the stateliest mansion. Nowhere is there dirt or stench, 
 puddle, or hog-wallow, neglect, disorder, or lack of trim- 
 
 id* 
 
 H » 
 
 iiikitiitf.<i*l.4^'nW»*WJ W. ''.HMluWIII». I H 
 
AN I dm: KXCUHHION. 
 
 89 
 
 > 
 
 noss and neatness. The roads, tlic streets, the dwellings, 
 tilt' people, the clothes, tliis neatness extends to every- 
 thing.;' that falls under the cyo. It is the tidiest country 
 in the world. And very nuich the tidiest, too, 
 
 Consi(h'rin;( these things, tlie ([uestion came up, Whore 
 dothe poor live ? No answer was arrived at. Tin 
 we agreed to leave this conundrum for future statesmen 
 to wrangle over. 
 
 What a bright and startling spectacle one of those blaz- 
 ing white count!} i)ahices, with its brown-tinted window 
 caps and ledges, and green shutters, and its wealth of 
 caressing flowers and foliage, would be in black London ! 
 And what a gleaming surprise it would be in nearly any 
 American city one could mention! 
 
 Bermuda roads are made by cutting down a few inches 
 into the solid white coral — or a good many feet, where a 
 hill intrudes itself — and smoothing off the surface of the 
 road-bed. It is a simple and easy process. The grain of 
 the coral is coa*'se and porous ; the road-bed has the look 
 of being made of coarse white sugar. Its excessive clean- 
 ness and whiteness are a trouble in one way : the sun is 
 reflected into your eyes with such energy as you walk along 
 that you want to sneeze all the time. Old Captain Tom 
 B(3wling found another difficulty. He joined us in our 
 walk, but kept wandering unrestfully to the road-side. 
 Finally he explained. Said he, " Well, I chew, you know, 
 and the road's so plaguy clean," 
 
 We walked several miles that afternoon in the bewil- 
 dering glare of the sun, the white roads, and the white 
 buildings. Our eyes got to paining us a good deal. By- 
 and-by a soothing, blessed twilight spread its cool balm 
 
 I 
 
 I,- 
 
 II 
 
 J 
 
40 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 around. We looked up in pleased surprise, and saw that 
 it proceeded from an intensely black negro who was going 
 by. We answered his military salute in the grateful gloom 
 of his near presence, and then passed on into the pitiless 
 white glare again. 
 
 The coloured women whom we met usually bowed and 
 spoke ; so did the children. The coloured men commonly 
 gave the military salute. They borrowed this fashion 
 from the soldiers, no doubt ; England has kept a garrison 
 here for generations. The younger men's custom of carry- 
 ing small canes is also borrowed from the soldiers, I sup- 
 pose, who always cany a cane, in Bermuda as everywhere 
 else in Britain's broad dominions. 
 
 The country roads curve and wind hither and thither in 
 the delightfuUest way, unfolding pretty surprises at every 
 turn ; billowy masses of oleander that seem to float out 
 from behind distant projections like the pink cloud-banks 
 of sunset ; sudden plunges among cottages and gardens, 
 life and activity, followed by as sudden plunges into the 
 sombre twilight and stillness of the woods ; flittering 
 visions of white fortresses and beacon towers pictured 
 against the sky on remote hill-tops ; glimpses of shining 
 green sea caught for a moment through opening headlands 
 then lost again ; more woods and solitude ; and by-and- 
 by another turn lays bare, without warning, the full sweep 
 of the inland ocean, enriched with its bars of soft colour, 
 and graced with its wandering sails. 
 
 Take any road you please, you may depend upon it you 
 will not stay in it half a mile. Your road is everything 
 that a road ought to be : it is bordered with trees, and with 
 strange plants and flowers : it is shady and pleasant, or 
 
 TTUIigll] i'.li 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 41 
 
 sunny and still pleasant; it carries you by the prettiest 
 and peacef uUest and most home-like of homes, and through 
 stretches of forest that lie in a deep hush sometimes, and 
 sometimes are alive with the music of birds ; it curves 
 always, which is a continual promise, whereas straight 
 roads reveal eveiything at a glance and kill interest. Your 
 road is all this, and yet you will not stay in it half a mile, 
 for the reason that little, seductive, mysterious roads are 
 always branching out from it on either hand, and as these 
 curve sharply also and hide what is beyond, you cannot 
 resist the temptation to desert your own chosen road and 
 explore them. You are usually paid for your trouble ; con- 
 sequently, your walk irdand always turns out to be one of 
 the most crooked, involved, purposeless, and interesting 
 experiences a body can imagine. There is enough of va- 
 riety. Sometimes you are in the level open, with marshes 
 thick grown with flag-lances that are ten feet high on the 
 one hand, and potato and onion orchards on the other ; 
 next, you are on a hill-top, with the ocean and the Islands 
 spread around you ; presently, the road winds through a 
 deep cut shut' in by perpendicular walls, thirty or forty 
 feet high, marked with the oddest and abruptest stratum 
 lines, suggestive of sudden and eccentric old upheavals, 
 and garnished with here and there a clinging adventurous 
 flower, and here and there a dangling vine ; and by-and- 
 by your way is along the sea edge, and you may look down 
 a fathom or two through the transparent water and watch 
 the diamond-like flash- and play of the light upon the 
 rocks and sands on the bottom until you are tired of it — 
 if you are so constituted as to be able to get tired of it. 
 You may march the country roads in maiden medita- 
 
42 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 til 
 
 
 tion fancy free, by field and farm, for no dog will [»iunge 
 out at you from unsuspected gate, with breath-taking sur- 
 prise and ferocious bark, notwitlistanding it is a Christian 
 hmd and a civilized. We saw upwards of a million cats 
 in Bermuda, but the people are very abstemious in the 
 matter of dogs. Two or three nights we prowled the 
 country far and wide, and never once were accosted by a 
 dog. It is a great privilege to visit such a land. The cats 
 were no oflfence when properly distributed, but when piled 
 they obstructed travel. 
 
 As we entered the edge of the town that Sunday after- 
 noon, we stopped at a cottage to get a drink of water. 
 The propiietor, a middle-aged man with a good face, asked 
 us to sit down and rest. His dame brought chairs, and we 
 grouped ourselves in the shade of the trees by the dooi-. 
 Mr. Smith — that was not his name, but it will answer — 
 questioned us about ourselves and our country, and we 
 answered him truthfully, as a general thing, and ques- 
 tioned him in return. It was all very simple and pleasant 
 and sociable. Rural, too ; for there was a pig and a small 
 donkey and a hen anchored out, close at hand, b}' cords to 
 their legs, on a spot that purported to be grassy. Presently 
 a woman passed along, and although she coldly said nothing, 
 she changed the drift of our talk. Said Smith : 
 
 " She didn't look this way, you noticed ? Well, she is 
 our next neighbour on one side, and there's another family 
 that's our next neighbours on the other side ; but there's 
 a general coolness all round now, and we don't speak. 
 Yet these three families, one generation and another, have 
 lived here side by side and been as friendly as w^eaverx 
 for a hundred and fifty years, till about a year ago." 
 
 wttmsm 
 
AiN IDLE KXCURSION. 
 
 43 
 
 " Why, what calamity could have been powerful enough 
 to break up so old a friendship ? " 
 
 " Well, it was too bad, but it couldn't be helped. It 
 happened like this : About a year or more ago, the rats 
 got to pestering my place a good deal, and I set up a steel- 
 trap in the back yard. Both of these neighboui's lun 
 considerable to cats, and so I warned them about the 
 trap, because their cats were pretty sociiiMe around here 
 nights, and they might get into trouble without n:y in- 
 tending it. Well, they shut up their cats for a while, 
 but you know how it is with people ; they got careless, 
 a,nd sure enough one night the trap took Mrs. Jones's 
 principal tom-cat into camp, and finished him up. In 
 the morning Mrs. Jones comes here with the corpse in her 
 arms, and cries and takes on the same as if it was a chihl. 
 It was a cat by the name of Yelveiton — Hector G. Yel- 
 verton — a troublesome old rip, with no more principle 
 than an Injun, though you couldn't make her believe it. 
 I said all a man could to comfort her, but no, nothing 
 would do but I nuist pay for him. Finally, I said I 
 warn't investing in cats now as much as I was, and with 
 that she walked off in a huff, carrying the remains with 
 her. That closed our intercourse with the Joneses. Mrs. 
 Jones joined another church and took her tribe with her. 
 She said she would not hold fellowship with assassins. 
 Well, by and by comes Mrs. Brown's turn — she that went 
 by here a minute ago. She had a disgraceful old yellow 
 cat that she thought as \nuch of as if he was twins, and 
 one night he tried that trap on his neck, and it fitted him 
 so, and was so sort of satisfactory, that he laid down and 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 curled up and stayed with it. Such was the end of Sir 
 John Baldwin." 
 
 " Was that the name of the cat ? " 
 
 " The same. There's cats around here with names 
 that would surprise you. Maria" to his wife — "what 
 was that cat's name that eat a keg of ratsbane by mistake 
 over at Hooper's, and started home and got struck by 
 lightning and took the blind staggers and fell in the well 
 and was most drowned before they could fish him out ? " 
 
 " That was that coloured Deacon Jackson's cat. I only 
 remember the last end of its name, which was To-be-or- 
 not-to-be-that-is-the-question-Jackson." 
 
 " Sho, that ain't the one. That's the one that eat up an 
 entire box of Seidlitz powders, and then hadn't any more 
 judgment than to go and take a drink. He was con- 
 sidered to be a great loss, but I never could see it. Well, 
 no matter about the names. Mrs. Brown wanted to be 
 reasonable, but Mrs. Jones wouldn't let her. She put her 
 up to going to law for damages. So to law she went, and 
 had the face to claim seven shillings and sixpence. It 
 made a great stir. All the neighbours went to court; 
 everybody took sides. It got hotter and hotter, and broke 
 up all the friendships for thrae hundred yards around — 
 friendships that had lasted for generations and generations. 
 
 " Well, I proved by eleven witnesses that the cat was 
 of a low character and very ornery, and warn't worth a 
 cancelled postage-stamp, any way, taking the average of 
 cats here; but I lost the case. What could I expect? 
 The system is all wrong here, and is bound to make re- 
 volution and bloodshed some day. You see, they give 
 the magistrate a poor little starvation salary, and then 
 
 I 
 
 I 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 45 
 
 n. 
 
 
 i 
 
 I 
 
 turn him loose on the public to gouge for fees and costs 
 to live on. What is the natural result ? Why, he never 
 looks into the justice of a case — never once. All he looks 
 at is which client has got the money. So this one piled 
 the fees and costs and everything on to me. I could pay 
 specie, don't you see ? and he knew mighty well that if 
 he put the verdict on to Mrs. Brown, where it belonged, 
 he'd have to take his swag in currency." 
 
 " Currency ? Why, has Bermuda a currrency ? " 
 
 " Yes — onions. And they were forty per cent, discount, 
 too, then, because the season had been over as much as 
 three months. So I lost my case. I had to pay for that 
 cat. But the general trouble the case made was the worst 
 thing about it. Broke up so much good feeling. The 
 neighbours don't speak to each other now. Mrs. Brown 
 had named a child after me. So she chansjed its name 
 right away. She is a Baptist. Well, in the course of bap- 
 tising it over again, it got drowned. I was hoping we 
 might get to be friendly again some time or other, but of 
 course this drowning the child knocked that all out of the 
 question. It would have saved a world of heart- break 
 and ill blood if she had named it dry.'' 
 
 I knew by the sight that this was honest. All this 
 trouble and all this destruction of confidence in the purity 
 of the bench on account of a seven-shilling lawsuit about 
 a cat ! Somehow, it seemed to " size " the country. 
 
 At this point we observed that an English flag had just 
 been placed at half mast on a building a hundred yards 
 away. I and my friend were busy in an instant trying 
 to imagine whose death, among the island dignitaries, 
 could command such a mark of respect as this. Then a 
 
40 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 shudder shook him and me at the same moment, and I 
 knew that we had jumped to one and the same conclu- 
 sion : " The Governor has gone to England ; it is for the 
 British admiral ! " 
 
 At this moment Mr. Smith noticed the flajr. He said 
 with emotion : — 
 
 " That's on a boarding-house. I judge there's a boarder 
 dead." 
 
 A dozen other flags within view went to half-mast. 
 
 " It's a boarder, sure," said Smith. 
 
 " But would they half-mast the flags hei-e for a boarder, 
 Mr. Smith ? " 
 
 " Why certainly tht;y would, if he was dead" 
 
 That seemed to " size " the country again. 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 47 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 ^ HE early twilight of a Sunday evening in Hamilton, 
 ^-7, Bermuda, is an alluring time. There is just enough 
 of whispering breeze, fragrance of Howers, and sense of 
 repose to raise one's thoughts heavenward ; and just 
 enough amateur piano music to keep him reminded of 
 the other place. There are many venerable pianos in 
 Hamilton, and they all play at twilight. Age enlarges 
 and enriches the powers of some musical instruments, — 
 notably those of the violin, — but it seems to set a piano's 
 teeth on edge. Most of the music in vogue there is the 
 same that those pianos prattled in their innocent infancy ; 
 and there is something very pathetic about it when they 
 go over it now, in their asthmatic second childhood, drop- 
 ping a note here and there, where a tooth is gone. 
 
 We attended evening service at the stately Episcopal 
 church on the hill, where were five or six hundred people^ 
 half of them white and the other half black, according to 
 the usual Bermudian proportions ; and all well dressed, — 
 a thing which is also usual in Bermuda Mnd to be confi- 
 dently expected. There was good music, which we heard, 
 and doubtless a good sermon, but there was a wonderful 
 deal of coughing, and so only the high parts of the argu- 
 ment carried over it. As we came out after service, I 
 overheard one young girl say to another, — 
 
 " Why you don't mean to say you pay duty on gloves 
 and laces ! I only pay postage ; have them done up and 
 sent in the Boston Advertiser." 
 
•48 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 There ai'e those who believe that the most difficult 
 thing to create is a woman who can comprehend that it 
 is wrong to smuggle ; and that an impossible thing to 
 create is a woman who will not smuggle, whether or no, 
 when she gets a chance. But these may be errors. 
 
 We went wandering off toward the country, and were 
 soon far down in the lonely black depths of a road that 
 was roofed over by the dense foliage of a double rank of 
 great cedars. There was no sound of any kind there ; it 
 was perfectly still. And it was so dark that one could 
 detect nothing but sombre outlines. We strode farther and 
 farther down this tunnel, cheering the way with chat. 
 
 Presently the chat took this shape : — " How insensibly 
 the character of a people and of a government makes its 
 impression upon a stranger, and gives him a sense of se- 
 curity or of insecurity without his taking deliberate 
 thought upon the matter or asking anybody a question ! 
 We have been in this land half a day ; we have seen none 
 bnt honest faces ; we have noticed the British flag flying* 
 which means efficient government and good order ; so 
 without inquiry we plunged unarmed and with perfect 
 confidence into this dismal place, which in almost any 
 other country would swarm with thugs and garroters " — 
 
 'Sh ! What was that ? Stealthy footsteps. Low voices ! 
 We gasp, we close up together, and wait, A vague shape 
 glides out of the dusk and confronts us. A voice speaks 
 — demands money ! 
 
 " A shilling, gentlemen, if you please, to help build the 
 new Methodist church." 
 
 Blessed sound ! Holy sound ! We contribute with 
 thankful avidity to the new Methodist church, and are 
 
 .. 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 41>' 
 
 happy to think how lucky it was that those little coloured 
 Sunday-school scholars did not seize upon everything we 
 had with violence, before we recovered from our momen- 
 tary helpless condition. By the light of cigars we write 
 down the names of weightier philanthropists than our- 
 selves on the contribution-cards, and then pass on into 
 the farther darkness, saying, What sort of a government . 
 do they call this, where they allow little black pious child- 
 ren, with contribution-cards, to plunge out upon peaceable 
 strangers in the dark and scare them to death ? 
 
 We prowled on several hours, sometimes by the sea-side, 
 sometimes inland, and finally managed to get lost, which 
 is a feat that requires talent in Bermuda. I had on new 
 shoes. They were No. 7's when I started, but were not 
 more than 5's now, and still diminishing. I walked two 
 hours in those shoes after that, before we reached home. 
 Doubtless I could have the reader's sympathy for the ask- 
 ing. Many people have never had the headache or the 
 toothache, and I am one of those myself ; but everybody 
 has worn tight shoes for two or three hours, and know 
 the luxury of taking them off in a retired place and see- 
 ing his feet swell up and obscure the firmament. Few of 
 us will ever forget the exquisite hour we were married. ■ 
 Once when I was callow, bashful cub, I took a plain, un- 
 sentimental country girl to a comedy one night. I had 
 known her a day ; she seemed divine ; I wore my new 
 boots. At the end of the first half-hour she said, " Why 
 do you fidget so with your feet ? " I said, " Did I ? " 
 Then I put my attention there and kept still. At the end 
 of another half hour she said, " Why do you say ' yes, oh, 
 yes ! ' and ' Ha, ha, oh, certainly ! very true ! ' to every- 
 
.50 
 
 AN IDLE EXCUIISION. 
 
 ling 
 
 the 
 
 the 
 
 say, wlion nait tiic tuno tno.se are entirely irrele- 
 vant answers ? " I blushed, and explained that I had 
 been a little absent-minded. At the end of another half 
 hour she said, " Please, why do you grin so steadfastly at 
 vacancy, and y;'t look so sad ? " I explained that I always 
 did that when I was reflecting. An hour passud, and then 
 she turned and contemplated me with her earnest eyes 
 and said, " Why do you cry all the time ? " I explained 
 that very funny comedies always made me cry. At last 
 human nature surrendered, and I secretly slipped my 
 boots off. This was a mistake. I was not able to get 
 them on any more. It was a rainy night ; there were no 
 omnibuses going our way ; and as I walked home, burn- 
 ing up with shame, with the girl on one arm and my 
 boots under the other, I was an object worthy of some 
 compassion, — especially in those moments of martyrdom 
 when I had to pass through the glare that fell upon the 
 pavement from street lamps. Finally, this child of the 
 forest said, " Where are your boots ? " and being taken 
 unprepared, I put a fitting finish to the follies of the 
 evening with the stupid remark, " The higher classes do 
 not wear them to the theatre." 
 
 j. The Reverend had been an army chaplain during the 
 war, and while we were hunting for a road that would 
 lead to Hamilton he told a story about two dying soldiers 
 which interested me in spite of my feet. He said that in 
 the Potomac hospitals rough pine coffins were furnished 
 by government, but that it was not always possible to 
 keep up with the demand ; so, when a man died, if there 
 was no coffin at hand he was buried without one. One 
 night late, two soldiers lay dying in a ward. A man came 
 
AN IDLK EXCURSION. 
 
 51 
 
 in with a coffin on his shouldiT, and stood trying,' to make 
 up his mind vvliidi of these two poor fellows would be 
 likely to need it first. Both of them begged for it with 
 their fading eyes, — they were past talking. Then one of 
 tliem protruded a wasted hand from his blankets and 
 made a feeble beckoning sign with tlie fingers, to signify, 
 " Be a good fellow ; put it under my bed, please." The 
 man di<l it, and left. The lucky soldier painfully turned 
 himself in his bed until he faced the other warrior, raised 
 himself partly on his elbow, and began to work up a mys- 
 terious expression of some kind in his face. Gradually, 
 irksomely, but surely and steadily, it developed, and at 
 last it took definite form as a pretty successful wink. The 
 sufferer fell back exhausted with his laboui-, but bathed 
 in glory. Now^ entered a personal friend of No. 2, the 
 despoiled soldier. No. 2 pleaded with him with eloquent 
 eyes, till presently he understood, and removed the coffin 
 from under No. I's bed and put it under No. 2's. No. 2 
 indicated his joy, and made some more signs ; the friend 
 understood again, and put his arm under No. 2's shoulders 
 and lifted him partly up. Then the dying hero turned 
 the dim exultation of his eye upon No. 1, and began a 
 slow and laboured work with his hands ; gradually he 
 lifted one hand up toward his face ; it grew weak and 
 dropped back again ; once more he made the effort, but 
 failed again. He took a rest ; he gathered all the rem- 
 nant of his strength, and this time he slowly but surely 
 carried his thumb to the side of his nose, spread the gaunt 
 fingers wide in triumph, and dropped back dead. That 
 picture sticks by me yet. The " situation " is unique. 
 The next morning, at what seemed a very early hour. 
 
52 
 
 AN IDLE EXCUIISION. 
 
 ^tij 
 
 the little wliitc table-waiter appeared .su<Menly in ruy 
 room and shot a single word out of himself : " Breakfa;«>t ! " 
 This was a remarkable boy in many ways. He was 
 about eleven years old ; ho had alert, intent black eyes ; 
 he was quick of movement ; there was no hesitation, no 
 •uncertainty about him anywhere ; there was a military 
 decision in his lip, his manner, his speech, that was an 
 astonishing thing to see in a little chap like him ; he 
 wasted no words ; his answers always came so quick and 
 brief that they seemed to be part of the ([uestion that had 
 been asked instead of a reply to it. When he stood at 
 the table with his fly-brush, rigid, erect, his face set in a 
 cast-iron gravity, he was a statue till he detected a dawn- 
 ing want in somebody's eye ; then he pounced down, sup- 
 plied it, and was instantly a statue again. When he was 
 sent to the kitchen for anything, he marched upright till 
 he got to the door ; he turned hand-springs the rest of 
 the way. 
 
 " Breakfast ! " 
 
 I thought 1 would make nne more effort to get some 
 conversation out of this being. 
 
 " Have you called the Reverend, or are — ?" 
 
 "Yess'r!" 
 
 " Is it early, or is— ?" 
 
 " Eight-five !" 
 
 " Do you have to do all the ' chores,' or is there some- 
 body to give you a 1 — " 
 
 "Coloured girl!" 
 
 this island, or are there — " 
 
 only one parish 
 
 Eight 
 
AN IDI.K KXCl/IlsroN. 
 
 .^3 
 
 " Is the big church on the liill a parish church, or Is 
 it—" 
 
 " Chapol-of-oaHt! !" 
 
 " Ls taxation lioro claHHitiod into poll, parish, town, 
 and—" 
 
 " ])on't know !" 
 
 Before I could cudgel anotlicr ([Ue.stion out of my hea<l 
 he was below, hand-springinj; across the back-yard. He 
 liad slid down the balusters, head Hrst. I gave up trying 
 to provoke a discussion with him. The essential element 
 of discussion had been left out of him ; his answers were 
 80 final and exact, that they did not leave a doubt to hang 
 conversation on. I suspect that there is the making of a 
 mighty man or a mighty rascal in this boy, — according to 
 circumstances, — but they are going to apprentice him to 
 a carpenter. It is the way tlie world uses its oppor- 
 tunities. 
 
 During this day and the next we took carriage drives 
 about the island and over to the town of St. George's 
 fifteen or twenty miles away. Such hard, excellent roads 
 to drive over are not to be found elsewhere out of Europe. 
 An intellii(ent N'ounff coloured man drove us, and acted as 
 guide-book In the edge of the town we saw five or six 
 mountain-cabbage palms (atrocious names !) standing in a 
 straight row, and equidistant from each other. These 
 were not the largest or the tallest trees I have ever seen, 
 but they were the stateliest, the most majestic. That row 
 of them nmst be the nearest that nature has ever come to 
 counterfeiting a colonnade. These trees are all the same 
 height, say sixty feet ; the trunks as gray as granite, with 
 a very gradual and perfect taper, without sign of branch 
 
 
54 
 
 AN IDIiE EXCURSION. 
 
 or knot or flaw ; the surface not looking like bark, but 
 like granite that has been dressed and not polished. 
 Thus all the way up the diminishing shaft for fifty feet ; 
 then it begins to take the appearance of being closely 
 wrapped, spool-fashion, with gray cord, or of having been 
 turned in a lathe. Above this point there is an outward 
 swell, and thence upwards for six feet or more, the cylin- 
 der is a bright, fresh green, and is formed of wrappings 
 like those of an ear of green Indian corn. Then comes 
 the great spraying palm plume, also green. Other palm- 
 trees always lean out of the perpendicular, or have a 
 curve in them. But the plumbline could not detect a 
 deflection in any individual of this stately row. They 
 stand as straight as the colonnade of Baal bee ; they have 
 its great height, they have its gracefulness, they have its 
 dignity ; in moonlight or twilight, and shorn of their 
 plumes, they would duplicate it. 
 
 The birds we came across in the country were singu- 
 larly tame. Even that wild creature, the quail, would 
 pick around in the grass at ease while we inspected it 
 and talked about it at leisure. A small bird of the can- 
 ary species had to be stirred up with the butt-end of the 
 whip before it would move, and then it moved only a 
 couple of feet. It is said that even the suspicious flea is 
 tame and sociable in Bermuda, and will allow himself to 
 be caught and caressed without misgivings. This should 
 be taken with allowance, for doubtless there is more or 
 less brag about it. In San Fraecisco they used to claim 
 that their native flea could kick a child over, as if it were 
 a merit iu a flea to be able to do that ; as if the know- 
 
 ,U 
 
 %. 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 55 
 
 ledge of it trumpeted abroad ought to entice emigration. 
 Such a thing in nine cases out of ten would be almost 
 sure to deter a thinking man from coming. 
 
 We saw no bugs or reptiles to speak of, and so I was 
 thinking of saying in print, in a general way, that there 
 were none at all ; but one night after I had gone to bed, 
 the Reverend came into my room carrying something, and 
 asked, " Is this your boot ? " I said it was, and he said he 
 had met a spider going off with it. Next morning he 
 stated that just at dawn the same spider raised his win- 
 dow, and was coming in to get a shirt, but saw him and 
 fled. 
 
 I inquired, " Did he get the shirt ? " 
 " No." 
 
 " How did you know it was a shirt he was after ?" 
 " I could see it in his eye." 
 
 We inquired round, but could hear of no Bermudian 
 spider capable of doing these things. Citizens said that 
 their largest spiders could not more than spread their legs 
 over an ordinary saucer, and that they had always been 
 considered honest. Here was testimony of a clergyman 
 against the testimony of mere worldlings, — interested 
 ones, too. On the whole I judged it best to lock up my 
 things. 
 
 Here and there on the country roads we found lemon, 
 papaia, orange, lime, and fig-trees ; also several sorts of 
 palms, among them the cocoa, the date, and the palmetto. 
 We saw some bamboos forty feet high, with stems as thick 
 as a man's arm. Jungles of the mangrove-tree stood up 
 out of swamps, propped on their interlacing roots as upon 
 
 1 1 
 
% 
 
 56 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 a tangle of stilts. In dryer places the noble tamarind sent 
 down its grateful cloud of shade. Here and there the 
 blossomy tamarisk adorned the roadside. There was a 
 curious gnarled and twisted black tree, without a single 
 leaf on it. It might have passed itself off for a dead apple- 
 tree, but for the fact that it had a star-like, red-hot flower 
 sprinkled sparsely over its pe:"son. It had the scattery 
 red glow that a constellation might have when glimpsed 
 through smoked glass. It is possible that our constella- 
 tions have been so constructed as to be invisible through 
 smoked glass ; if this is so it is a great mistake. 
 
 We saw a tree that bears grapes, and just as calmly and 
 unostentatiously as a vine would do it. We saw an 
 India-rubber tree, but out of season, possibly, so there 
 were no shoes on it, nor suspenders, nor anything that a 
 person would properly expect to find there. This gave it 
 an impressively fraudulent look. There was exactly one 
 mahogany-tree on the island. I know this to be reliable, 
 because I saw a man who said he had counted it many a 
 time, and could not be mistaken. He was a man with a 
 hair lip and a pure heart, and everybody said he was as 
 true as steel. Such men are all too few. 
 
 One's eye caught near and far the pink cloud of the 
 oleander and the red blaze of the pomegranate blossom. 
 In one piece of wild wood the morning-glory vines had 
 wrapped the trees to their very tops, and decorated them 
 all over with couples and clusters of great blue-bells, — a 
 fine and striking spectacle at a little distance. But the 
 dull cedar is everywhere, and its is the prevailing foliage. 
 One does not appreciate how dull it is until the varnished, 
 
 „ 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 57 
 
 mt 
 
 bright green attire of the infrequent lemon tree pleasantly 
 intrudes its contrast. In one thing Bermuda is eminently 
 tropical, — was in May, at least, — the unbrilliant, slightly 
 faded, unrejoicing look of the landscape. For forests 
 arrayed in a blemishless magnificence of glowing green 
 foliage that seems to exult in its own existence, and can 
 move the beholder to an enthusiasm that will make him 
 either shout or cry, one must go to countries that have 
 malignant winters. 
 
 We saw scores of coloured fanners digging their crops 
 of potatoes and onions, their wives and children helping, 
 entirely contented and comfortable, if looks go for any- 
 thing. We never met a man or woman or child anywhere 
 in this sunny island, who seemed to be unprosperous, or 
 discontented, or sorry about anything. This sort of mon- 
 otony became very tiresome presently, and even some- 
 thing worse. The spectacle of an entire nation grovelling 
 in contentment is an infuriating thing. We felt the lack 
 of something in this community, — a vague, an undefin- 
 able, an elusive something, and yet a lack. But after 
 considerable thought we made out what it was, — tramps. 
 Let them go there, right now, in a body. It is utterly 
 virgin soil. Passage is cheap. Every true patriot in 
 America will help buy tickets. Whole armies of these 
 excellent beings can be spared from our midst and our 
 polls ; they will find a delicious climate, and a green, 
 kind-hearted people. There are potatoes and onions for 
 all, and a generous welcome for the first batch that 
 arrives, and elegant graves for the second. 
 
 It was the Early Rose potato the people were digging. 
 
58 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 ^ater in the year they have another crop, -which they 
 call the Garnet. We buy their potatoes (retail) at fifteen 
 dollars a barrel ; and those coloured farmers buy ours 
 for a song, and live on them. Havana might exchange 
 cigars with Connecticut in the same advantageous way 
 if she thought of it. 
 
 We passed a rOi*dside grocery with a sign up, " Potatoes 
 Wanted." An ignorant stranger, doubtless. He could 
 not have gone thirty-steps from his place without finding 
 plenty of them. 
 
 In several fields the arrowroot crop was already sprout- 
 ing. Bermuda used to make a vast annual profit out of 
 this staple before fire-arms came into such general use. 
 
 The island is not large. Somewhere in the interior a 
 man ahead of us had a very slow horse. I suggested that 
 we had better go by him ; but the driver said the man 
 had but a little way to go. I waited to see wondering 
 how he could know. Presently the man did turn down 
 another road. I asked, " How did you know he would ? " 
 
 " Because I knew the man, and where he lived." 
 
 1 asked him satirically, if he knew everybody in the 
 island ; he answered very simply, that he did. This gives 
 a boy's mind a good substantial grip on the dimensions 
 of the place. 
 
 At the principal hotel in St. George's, a young girl, with 
 a sweet, serious face, said we could not be furnished with 
 dinner, because we had not been expected, and no prepa- 
 ration had been made. Yet it was still an hour before 
 dinner time. We argued ; she yielded not ; we suppli- 
 cated, she was serene. The hotel had not been expecting 
 
 \ 
 
 
 ! 
 
 m 
 
 M 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 59 
 
 fe 
 
 an inundation of two people, and so it seemed that we 
 should have to go home dinnerless. I said we were not 
 very hungry ; a fish would do. My little maid answered, 
 it was not the market day for fish. Things began to look 
 serious ; but presently the boarder who sustained the 
 hotel came in, and when the case was laid bsfore him he 
 was cheerfully willing to divide. So we had much plea- 
 sant chat at table about St. George's chief industry, the 
 repairing of damaged ships ; and in between we had a 
 soup that had something in it that seemed to taste like 
 the hereafter, but it proved to be only pepper of a parti- 
 cularly vivacious kind. And we had an iron-clad chicken 
 that was deliciously cooked, but not in the right way. 
 Baking was not the thing to convince his sort. He ought 
 to have been put through a quartz mill until the " tuck " 
 was taken out of him, and then boiled till we came 
 again. We got a good deal of sport out of him, but not 
 enough sustenance to leave the victory on our side. No 
 matter ; we had potatoes and a pie and a sociable good 
 time. Then a ramble through the town, which is a quaint 
 one, with interesting crooked streets, and narrow crooked 
 lanes, with here and there a grain of dast. Here, as in 
 Hamilton, the dwellings had Venetian blinds of a very 
 sensible pattern. They were not double shutters, hinged 
 at the sides, but a single broad shutter hinged at the top ; 
 you push it outward, from the bottom, and fasten it at 
 any angle required by the sun or desired by yourself. 
 
 All about the island one sees great white scars on the 
 hill-slopes. These are dished spaces where the soil has 
 been scraped off and the coral exposed and glazed with 
 
 ■ 
 
f^ 
 
 60 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 H 
 
 irr' whitewash. Some of these are a quarter-acre in 
 siace. They catch and carry the rain-fall to reservoirs ; 
 for the wells are few and poor, and there are no natural 
 springs and no brooks. 
 
 They say that the Bermuda climate is mild and equa- 
 ble, with never any snow or ice, and that one may be 
 very comfortable in spring clothing the year round, there. 
 We had delightful and decided summer weather in May, 
 with a flaming sun that permitted the thinnest of rai- 
 ment, and yet there was a constant breeze ; consequently 
 we were never discomfited by heat. At four or five in the 
 afternoon the mercury began to go down, and then it 
 became necessary to change to thick garments. I went 
 to St. George's in the morning clothed in tlie thinnest of 
 linen, and reached home at five in the afternoon with two 
 overcoats on. The nights are said to be always cool and 
 bracing. We had mosquito nets, and the Reverend said 
 the mosquitoes persecuted him a good deal. I often heard 
 him slapping and banging at these imaginary creatures 
 with as much zeal as if they had been real. There are 
 no mosquitoes in the Bermudas in May. 
 
 The poet Thomas Moore spent several months in Ber- 
 muda more than seventy years ago. He was sent out to 
 be registrar of the admiralty. I am not quite clear as to 
 the function of a registrar of the admiralty of Bermuda, 
 but I think it is his duty to keep a record of all the ad- 
 mirals born there. . I will inquire into this. There was 
 not much doing in admirals and Moore got tired and went 
 away. A reverently preserved souvenir of him is still one 
 of the treasures of the islands. T gathered the idea 
 
p 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 61 
 
 vaguely, that it was a jug, but was persistently thwarted 
 in the tweaty-two efforts 1 made to visit it. However, 
 it was no matter, for I found afterwards that it was only 
 a chair. 
 
 There are several " sights " in the Beruuidas, of course, 
 but they are easily avoided. This is a great advantage 
 — one cannot have it in Europe. Bermuda is the right 
 country for a jaded man to " loaf " in. There are no har- 
 assments ; the deep peace and quiet of the country sink 
 into one's body and bones, and give his conscience a rest, 
 and chloroform the legion of invisible small devils that are 
 always trying to whitewash his hair. A good many Ame- 
 ricans go there al)out the first of March and remain until 
 the early spring weeks have finished their villainies at 
 home. 
 
 The Bermudas are hoping soon to have telegraphic 
 communication with the world. But even after they 
 shall have acquired this curse it will still be a good coun- 
 try to go to for a vacation, foi* there ai'e charming little 
 islets scattered about the inclosed sea where one could 
 live secure from interruption. The telegraph boy would 
 have to come in a boat, and one could easily kill him 
 while he was making his landing. 
 
 We had spent four days in Bermuda, — three bright 
 ones out of doors and one rainy one in the house, we be- 
 ing disappointed about gotting a yacht for a sail ; and 
 now our furlough was ended. 
 
 We made the run home to New York quarantine in 
 three days and five hours, and could have gone right 
 along up to the city if we had had a health permit. But 
 
 P 
 
tm, Ik' 
 
 ()2 
 
 AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 lioaltli permits are not granted after seven in the evening, 
 partly because a ship cannot be inspected and overhauled 
 with exhaustive thoroughness except in the daylight* 
 and partly because health ofKcials are liable to catch cohl 
 if they expose themselves to the night air. Still, you 
 can but/ a permit after hours for five dollars extra, 
 and the officer will do the inspecting next week. 
 Our ship and passengers lay under expense and in humi- 
 liating captivity all night, under the very nose of the lit- 
 tle official reptile who is supposed to protect New York 
 from pestilence by his vigilant " inspections." This im- 
 posing rigour gave everybody a solemn and awful idea of 
 the beneficent watchfulness of our government, and there 
 were some who wondered if anything finer could be 
 found in other countries. 
 
 In the morning we were all a- tiptoe to witness the 
 intricate ceremony of inspecting the ship. But it was a 
 disappointing thing. The health officer's tug ranged 
 alongside for a moment, our purser handed the lawful 
 three-dollar permit fee to the health officer's boot-black, 
 who passed us a folded paper on a forked stick, and away 
 we went. The entire " inspection " did not occupy thir- 
 teen seconds. 
 
 The health officer's place is worth a hundred thousand 
 dollars a year to him. His system of inspection is per- 
 fect, and therefore cannot be improved on ; but it seems 
 to me that his system of collecting his fees might be 
 amended. For a gi'eat ship to lie idle all night is a most 
 costly loss of time ; for her passengers to have to do the 
 same thing works to them the same damage, with the 
 
 i 
 
 •i 
 
AN IDLE EXCURSION. 
 
 63 
 
 J! 
 
 addition of an amount of exasperation and bitterness 
 of soul tliat the spectacle of that health offi ... 
 ... * could hardly sweeten. Now, why would it not 
 be better and simpler to let the ships pass in unmo- 
 lested, and the permits be exchanged once a year by 
 post ? 
 
 * When the proofs of this article came to me 1 saw that " The Atlantic " 
 had condemned the words which occupied the place where is now a vacancy. 
 I can invent no figure worthy to stand in the shoes of the lurid colossus 
 which a too deep respect for the opinions of mankind has thus ruthlessly 
 banished from his due and rightful pedestal in the world's literature. Let 
 the blank remain a blank ; and let it suggest to the reader that he has 
 sustained a precious loss which can never be made good to him, M. T, 
 

 FACTS 
 
 'CONCERNING THE RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME IN CON- 
 NECTICUT. 
 
 j^Tj WAS feeling blithe, almost jocund. I put a match to 
 (^ my cigar, and just then the morning's mail was hand- 
 ed in. The first superscription I glanced at was in a 
 handwriting that sent a thrill of pleasure through and 
 through me. It was Aunt Mary's ; and she was the per- 
 son I loved and honoured most in all the world, outside of 
 my own household. She had been my boyhood's idol ; 
 maturity, which is fatal to so many enchantments, had not 
 been able to dislodge her from her pedestal ; no, it had only 
 justified her right to be there, and placed her dethronement 
 permanently among the impossibilities. To show how 
 strong her influence over me was, I will observe that long 
 after everybody else's " c?o-stop-smoking " had ceased to 
 affect me in the slightest degree. Aunt Mary could still 
 stir my torpid conscience into faint signs of life when she 
 touched upon the matter. But all things have their limit, 
 in this world. A happy day came at last, when even 
 Aunt Mary's words could no longer move me. I was not 
 merely glad to see that day arrive ; I was more than glad 
 — I was grateful ; for when its sun had set, the one alloy 
 that was able to mar my enjoyment of my aunt's society 
 was gone. The remainder of her stay with us that winter 
 was in every way a deligiit. Of course she pleaded with 
 me just as earnestly as ever, after that blessed day, to quit 
 
RECENT CAllNIVAL OF t'lllME. 
 
 6& 
 
 my pernicious habit, but to no pui-poso whatever ; the 
 moment .she opened the subject I at once became calmly, 
 peacefully, contentedly indifferent — absolutely, adaman- 
 tinely indifferent. Consequently the closing weeks of that 
 memorable visit melted away as pleasantly as a dream, 
 they were so freighted for me^ with tramjuil satisfaction. 
 I could not have enjoyed my pet vice more if my gentle 
 tormenter had been a smoker herself, and an advocate of 
 the practice. Well, the sight of her handwriting reminded 
 me that 1 was getting very hungry to see her again. I 
 easily guessed what 1 should find in her letter. I opene<l 
 it. Good ! just as i expected ; she was coming ! Coming 
 this very day, too, and by the morning train; I might 
 expect her any moment. 
 
 I said to myself, " I am thoroughly happy and content, 
 now. If my most pitiless enemy could appear before me 
 at this moment, I would freely right any wrong I may 
 have done him." 
 
 Straightway the door opened, and a shrivelled shabby 
 dwarf ei.tered. He was not more than two feet high. Ho 
 seemed to be about forty years old. Every feature and 
 every inch of him was a trifle out of shape ; and so, while- 
 one could not put his finger upon any particular part 
 and say, " This is a conspicuous deformity," the spectator 
 perceived that this little person was a deformity as a 
 whole — a vague, general, evenly blended, nicely adjusted 
 deformity. There was a fox-like cunning in the face and 
 the sharp little eyes, and also alertness and malice. And 
 yet, this vile bit of human rubbish seemed to bear a sort 
 of remote and ill-defined resemblance to me ! It was dully 
 perceptible in the mean form, the countenance, and even 
 
M 
 
 RECENT CAUNIVAIi OF CIUME. 
 
 I. 
 
 the clothes, |,'o.stures, manner, and attitudes of the creature. 
 He was a far-fetched, dim suggestion of a })urle8que upon 
 me, a caricature of mo in little. One thing about hira 
 struck me forcibly, and most unpleasantly : ho was cover- 
 ed all over with a fuzzy, greenish mould, such as one 
 sometimes sees upon mildewed bread. The sight of it was 
 nauseating. 
 
 He slipped along with a chipper air, and flung himself 
 into a doll's chair in a very free and easy way, without 
 waiting to be asked. He tossed his hat into the waste 
 basket. He picked up my old chalk pipe from the floor 
 gave the stem a wipe or two on his knee, filled the bowl 
 from the tobacco-box at his side, and said to me in a tone 
 of pert command, — 
 "Gimme a match ! " 
 
 I blushed to the roots of my hair ; partly with indig- 
 nation, but mainly because it somehow seemed to me that 
 this whole performance was very like an exaggeration of 
 conduct which I myself had sometimes been guilty of in 
 my intercourse with familiar friends — but never, never 
 with strangers, I observed to myself. I wanted to kick 
 the pygmy into the tire, but some incomprehensible sense 
 of being legitimately under his authority legally and 
 legitimately forced me to obey his order. He applied 
 the match to the pipe, took a contemplated whiff or two, 
 and remarked in an irritating familiar way : — 
 
 " Seems to me it 's devilish odd weather for this time 
 of year." 
 
 • I flushed again, and in anger and humiliation as before ; 
 for the language was hardly an exaggeration of some that 
 I have uttered in ray day, and moreover was delivered in 
 
UECENT CAKNIVAL OF CIMMK. 
 
 67 
 
 u tone of voico and with an r-xaspeiatin^' drawl that luid 
 the secniinj,' of a delihoiato travesty of luy style. Now 
 there is nothin<,^ I am quite ho .sensitive about as a mock- 
 ing imitation of my drawling infirmity of speech, I 
 spoke up sharply and said : — 
 
 " Look here, you miserable ash-cat ! you will have to 
 give a little more attention to your iiianners, or I will 
 throw you out of the windcw !" 
 
 The manikin smiled a smile of "jalicious content and 
 security, putted a whiH'of smok( ci utemptaously towards 
 me, ami said, with a still lu re elaborate irawl : — 
 
 " Come — go gently, now ; don't put on too many airs 
 with your betters. " 
 
 This cool snub rasped me all over, but it seemed to sub- 
 jugate me, too, for a moment. The pygmy contemplated 
 me awhile with weasel eyes, and then said, in a peculiarly 
 sneering way : — 
 
 " You turned a tramp away from your door this morn- 
 
 ing. 
 
 I saidcrui^; ^'v : — 
 
 " Perhaps I did, perhaps I didn't. How do you know ? " 
 
 " Well, I know. It is n't any matter how I know." 
 
 " Very well. Suppose I did turn a tramp away from 
 the door — what of it ? " 
 
 " O, nothing ; nothing in particular. Only you lied to 
 him." 
 
 "I didn't! That is I—" 
 
 " Yes, but you did ; you lied to him." 
 
 I felt a guilty pang — in truth I had felt it forty times 
 before that tramp had travelled a block from my door^ — 
 
68 
 
 RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 but still I resolved to make a show of feeling slandered ; 
 so I said : — 
 
 " This is baseless impertinence. I said to the tramp — " 
 " There — wait. You were about to lie again. / know 
 what you said to him. You said the cook was gone down 
 town and there was nothing left from breakfast. Two 
 lies. You knew the cook was behind the door and plenty 
 of provisions behind her!' 
 
 This astonishing accuracy silenced me ; and it filled me 
 with wondering speculations, too, as to how this oub could 
 have got his information. Of course he could have culled 
 the information from the tramp, but by what sort of 
 magic had he contrived to find out about the concealed 
 cook ? Now the dwarf spoke again : — 
 
 " It was rather pitiful, rather small, in you to refuse to 
 read that poor young woman's manuscript the other day, 
 and give your opinion as to its literary value ; and she 
 had come so far, too, and so hopefully. Now wasn't it ? " 
 I felt like a cur ! And I had felt so every time the 
 thing had recurred to my mind, I may as well confess. I 
 flushed hotly and said : — 
 
 " Look here, have you nothing better to do than prowl 
 around prying into other people's business ? Did that 
 girl tell you that ? " 
 
 " Never mind whether she did or not. The main thina* 
 is, you did that contemptible thing. /Vnd you felt ashamed 
 of it afterwards. Aha ! you feel ashamed of it now ! " 
 
 This with a sort of devilish glee. With a fiery earnest- 
 ness I responded : — 
 
 " I told that girl in the kindest gentlest way that I 
 could not consent to deliver judgment upon any one's 
 
 ^ 
 
RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 C9 
 
 ■tm 
 
 > 
 
 m 
 
 manuscript, because an individual's verdict was woi'thless. 
 It might underrate a work of high merit and lose it to the 
 world, or it might overrate a trashy production and so 
 open the way for its infliction upon the world. I said 
 that the great public was the only i.ibunal competent to 
 sit in judgment upon a literary effort, and therefore it 
 must be best to lay it before that tribunal in the outset, 
 since in the end it must stand or fall by that mighty 
 court's decision any way." 
 
 " Yes, you said all that. So you did, you juggling, 
 small-souled shuffler ! And yet when the happy hopeful- 
 ness fadod out of that poor girl's face, when you saw her 
 furtively slip beneath her shawl the scroll she had so pa- 
 tiently and honestly scribbled at, — so ashamed of her 
 darling now, so proud of it before, — when you saw the 
 gladness go out of her eyes and the tears come there, 
 when she crept away so humbly who had come so — " 
 
 " O, peace ! peace ! peace ! Blister your merciless 
 tongue, haven't all these thoughts tortm^ed me enough, 
 without your coming here to fetch them back again ? " 
 
 Remorse ! remorse ! It seemed to me that it would 
 
 eat the very heart out of me ! And yet that small fiend 
 
 only sat there leering at me with joy and contempt, and 
 
 placidly chuckling. Presently he began to speak again. 
 
 Every sentence was an accusation, and every accusation 
 
 a truth. Every clause was freighted with sarcasm and 
 
 derision, every slow-dropping word burned like vitriol. 
 
 The dwarf reminded me of times when I had flown at 
 
 my children in anger and punished them for faults which 
 
 a little inquiry would have taught me that others, and 
 
 not they, had committed. He reminded me of how I had 
 E 
 
 \ 
 
 I 
 
70 
 
 RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 disloyally allowed old friends to be traduced in my hear- 
 ing, and been too craven to utter a word in their defence. 
 He reminded me of many dishonest things which I had 
 done; of many which I had procured to be done by 
 children and other irresponsible persons ; of some which 
 I had planned, thought upon, and longed to do, and been 
 kept from the performance by fear of consequences only. 
 With exquisite cruelty he recalled to my mind, item by 
 item, wrongs and unkindnesses I had inflicted and hu- 
 miliations I had put upon friends since dead, " who died 
 thinking of those injuries, maybe, and grieving over 
 them," he added, by way of poison to the stab. 
 
 " For instance," said he, " take the case of your younger 
 brother, when you two were boys together, many a long- 
 year ago. He always lovingly trusted in you with a 
 fidelity that your manifold treaoiwries were not able to 
 shake. He followed you about like a dog, content to 
 suffer wrong and abuse if he might only be with you ; 
 patient under these injuries so long as it was your hand 
 that inflicted them. The latest picture you have of him 
 in health and strength must be such a comfort to you ! 
 You fledged your honour that if he would let you blind- 
 fold him no harm should come to him ; and then, giggling 
 and choking over the rare fun of the joke, you led him 
 to a brook thinly glazed with ice, and pushed him in ; 
 and how you did laugh ! Man, you will never forget the 
 gentle, reproachful look he gave you as he struggled 
 shivering out, if you live a thousand years ! Oho ! you 
 see it now, you see it now ! " 
 
 " Beast, I have seen it a million times, and shall see it 
 a million more ! and may you rot away piecemeal, and 
 
 '!» 
 
 /i 
 
^S- ^'Pf-j:*^ 
 
 KECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 71 
 
 i» 
 
 /'I 
 
 
 suffer till doomsday what I suffer now for bringing it 
 back to me again ! " 
 
 The dwarf chuckled contentedly, and went on with his 
 accusing history of my career. I dropped into a moody, 
 vengeful state, and suffered in silence under the merciless 
 lash. At last this remark of his gave me a sudden 
 rouse : — 
 
 " Two months ago, on a Tuesday, you woke up, away 
 in the night, and fell to thinking, with shame, about a 
 peculiarly mean and pitiful act of yours toward a poor 
 ignorant Indian in the wilds of the Rocky Mountains in 
 the winter of eighteen hundred and — " 
 
 " Stop a moment, devil ! Stop ! Do you mean to tell 
 me that even my very thoughts are not hidden from you ? " 
 
 " It seems to look like that. Didn't you think the 
 thoughts I have just mentioned ? " 
 
 " If I didn't, I wish I may never breathe again ! Look 
 here, friend — look me in the eye. Who are you 1 " 
 
 " Well, who do you think ? " 
 
 " I think you are Satan himself. I think you are the 
 devil." 
 
 " No." 
 
 " No ? Then who can you be ? " 
 
 " Would you really like to know ? " 
 
 " Indeed I would." 
 
 " Well, I am your Conscience ! " 
 
 In an instant I was in a blaJie of joy and exultation 
 sprang at the creature, roaring, — 
 
 " Curse you, I have wished a hundred million times 
 that you were tangible, and that I could get my hands on 
 
 I 
 
 i j 
 
72 
 
 llECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 your throat once ! 0, but I will wreak a deadly ven- 
 
 li I 
 
 geance on- 
 
 Folly! Lii^hh ing does not move more quickly than 
 my Conscience did ! He darted aloft so suddenly that in 
 the moment my fingers clutched the empty air he was al- 
 ready perched on the top of the high bookcase, with his 
 thumb at his nose in token of derision. I flung the poker 
 at him, and missed. I fired the bootjack. In a blind 
 rage I flew from place to place, and snatched and hurled 
 any missile that came handy; the storm of books, ink- 
 stands, and chunks of coal gloomed the air and beat about 
 the manikin's perch relentlessly, but all to no purpose ; 
 the nimble figure dodged every shot ; and not only that» 
 but burst into a cackle of sarcastic and triumphant laugh- 
 ter as I sat down exhausted. While I puffed and gasped 
 with fatigue and excitement, my Conscience talked to this 
 eSbct : — 
 
 " My good slave, you are curiously witless — no, I mean 
 characteristically so. In truth, you are always consistent, 
 always yourself, always an ass. Otherwise it must have 
 occurred to you that if you attempted this murder with a 
 sad heart and a heavy conscience, I would droop under 
 the burdening influence instantly. Fool, I should have 
 weighed a ton, and could not have budged from the floor ; 
 but instead, you are so cheerfully anxious to kill me that 
 your conscience is as light as a feather ; hence I am away 
 up here out of your reach. I can almost respect a mere 
 ordinary sort of fool ; but yovu — ^pah ! " 
 
 I wovld have given anything, then, to be heavy- 
 hearted, so that I could get this person down from there 
 and take his life, but I could no more be heavy-hearted 
 
 t^t 
 
RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 73 
 
 ^i*^ 
 
 t 
 
 over such a desire than I could have sorrowed over iis 
 accomplishment. So I could only look longingly up at 
 my master, and rave at the ill-luck that denied me a 
 heavy conscience the one only time that I had ever warted 
 such a thing in my life. By and by I got to musing over 
 the hour's strange adventure, and of course my human 
 curiosity began to work. I set myself to framing in my 
 mind some questions for this fiend to answer. Just then 
 one of my boys entered, leaving the door open behind 
 him, and exclaimed, — 
 
 " My ! what has been going on, here ! The bookcase is 
 all one riddle of — " 
 
 I sprang up in consternation, and shouted, — 
 
 " Out of this ! Hurry ! Jump ! Fly ! Shut the door ! 
 Quick, or my Conscience will get away ! " 
 
 The door slammed to, and I locked it. I glanced up 
 and was grateful, to the bottom of my heart, to see that 
 my owner was still my prisoner. I said, — 
 
 " Hang you, I might have lost you ! Children are the 
 heedlessest creatures. But look here, friend, the boy did 
 not seem to notice you at all ; how is that ? " 
 
 " For a very good reason. I am invisible to all but 
 you." 
 
 I made mental note of that piece of information with a 
 ofood deal of satisfaction. I could kill this miscreant now, 
 if I got a chance, and no one would know it. But this 
 very reflection made me so light-hearted that my Con- 
 science could hardly keep hiy seat, but was like to float 
 aloft toward the ceiling like a toy balloon. I said, pre- 
 sently, — 
 
 " Come, my Conscience, let us be friendly. Let us fly 
 
 y^ 
 
Sj'^'-^' 
 
 74 
 
 RECEN'i CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 a flag of truce lor a while. I am suflering to a.sk yon 
 some quest 1 oils." 
 
 " Verv well. Begin." 
 
 " Well, then, in the fir'^t place, 'v'^hy \^ ore you never 
 visible to me before ? " 
 
 " Because you never asked to soe me bei'ore ; that is, 
 you never asked in the right spirit an<l tlie pro)ier form 
 before. You were just in the right {spirit this tjuie, and 
 wl oil yon called Cor your most pitiless enemy I was that 
 person hy a very large majority, though you did not sus- 
 pect h:"' 
 
 '* Well, did that remark of mine turn you into flesh and 
 blood?" 
 
 " No. It only made me visible to you. I am unsub- 
 stantial, just as other spirits are." \ 
 
 This remark prodded me with a sharp misgiving. If 
 he was unsubstantial, how was I going to kill him ? But 
 I dissembled and said persuasively, — 
 
 " Conscience, it is n't sociable of you to keep at such a 
 distance. Come down and take another smoke." 
 
 This was answered with a look that was full of derision, 
 and with this observation added : — 
 
 " Come where you can get at me and kill me i The 
 invitation is declined with thanks." 
 
 " All right," said I to myself ; " so it seems a spirit can 
 be killed, after all ; there will be om spirit lacking in this 
 world, presently, or I lose my guiss." Then I said 
 aloud,— 
 
 " Iriend— " 
 
 " There ; wait a bit. I am not your friend, I am your 
 
 '«» 
 
 ^ 
 
 em 
 
RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 75 
 
 i % 
 
 enemy ; I am not your equal, I am your master. Call me 
 ' my lord,' if you please. You are too familiar." 
 
 " I don't like such titles. I am willing to call you sir. 
 That is as far as — " 
 
 "We will have no argument about this. Just obey; 
 that is all. Go on with your chatter." 
 
 " Very well, my lord, — since nothing but my lord will 
 suit you, — I was going to ask you how long you will be 
 visible to me ? " 
 
 " Ah/ays ! " 
 
 I broke out with strong indignation : " This is simply 
 an outrage. That is what I think of it. You have dogged, 
 and dogged, and dogged me, all the days of my life, in- 
 visible. That was misery enough ; now to have such a 
 looking thing as you tagging after me like another shadow 
 all the rest of my days is an intolerable prospect. You 
 have my opinion, my lord ; make the most of it." 
 
 " My lad, there was never so pleased a conscience in 
 this world as I was when you made me visible. It gives 
 me an inconceivable advantage. Now, I can look you 
 straight in the eye, and call you names, and leer at you, 
 jeer at you, sneer at you ; and yoii know what eloquence 
 there is in visible gesture and expression, more especially 
 when the effect is heightened by audible speech. I shall 
 always address you henceforth in your o— w-n s-n-i-v-e-1- 
 1-i-n-g d-r-a-w-1 — baby ! " 
 
 I let fly with the coal-hod. No result. My lord 
 said, — 
 
 " Come, come ! Remember the flag of truce ! " 
 " Ah, 1 forgot that. I will try to be civil ; and you 
 try it, too, for a novelty. The idea of a civil conscience ! 
 
76 
 
 RECENT CAIINIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 i 
 
 It is a good joke ; an excellent joke. All the consciences 
 T have ever heard of were nagging, badgering, fault-find- 
 ing, execrable savages ! Yes ; and always in ti sweat about 
 some poor little insignificant trifie or other — destruction 
 catch the lot of them, / say ! I would trade mine for the 
 small-pox and seven kinds of consumption, and be glad of 
 the chance. Now, tell me, why is it that a conscience 
 can't haul a man over the coals, once, for an ott'ence, and 
 then let him alone ? Why is it that it wants to keep on 
 pegging at him, day and night and night and day, week in 
 and week out, f orevei* and ever, about the same old thing ? 
 There is no sense in that, and no reason in it. I think a 
 conscience that will act like that is meaner than the very 
 dirt itself." 
 
 " Well, we like it, that sufl^ces." 
 
 " Do you do it with the honest intent to impro/e a 
 man ? " 
 
 That question produced a sarcastic smile, and this 
 reply :- - 
 
 " No, sir. Excuse me. We do it simply because it is 
 business.' It is our trade. The purpose of it is to im- 
 prove the man, but lue are merely disinterested agents. 
 We are appointed by authority, and haven't anything to 
 say in the matter. We obey orders and leave the conse- 
 quences where they belong. But I am willing to admit 
 this much : we do crowd the orders a trifle when we get 
 a chance, which is most of the time. We enjoy it. We 
 are instructed to remind a man a fev^ times of an eiTor ; 
 and I don't mind acknowledging that w<i ;, to give pret'v 
 goed measure. And when we get hold of a man of a 
 peculiarly sensitive nature, oh, but we ao haze him ! I 
 
 f 
 
 I 
 
 I 
 
 *' ,. 
 
UECENT CAIINIVAL OF CHIME. 
 
 77 
 
 M: 
 
 have known consciences to come all the way from China 
 and Russia to see a person of that kind put through his 
 paces, on a special occasion. Why, 1 knew a man of that 
 8ort who had accidentally crippled a mulatto baby ; the 
 news went abroad, and I wish you may never commit 
 another sin if the consciences didn't flock from all over 
 the earth to enjoy the fun and help his master exercise 
 him. That man walked the floor in torture for forty- 
 eight hours, v'ithout eating or sleeping, and then blew his 
 luains out. The child was perfectly well again in three 
 weeks." 
 
 " Well, you are a precious crew, n. o to put it too strong- 
 1 think I begin to see, now, why you have always been 
 ji trifle inconsistent with me. In your anxiety to get all 
 the juice you can out of a sin, you make a man repent of 
 it in three or four diflereni/ ways. For instance, you 
 found fault with me for lying to that tramp, and Isufter- 
 ed over i iiat. But it was only yesterday that I to'd a 
 tramj) the square ti'uth, to wit, that, it being regai'ded as 
 bad citizenshi]> to encourage vagrancy, I would give him 
 nothing. What did you do then ? Why, you made me 
 say to myself, ' Ah, it would have been so much kinder 
 and more blameless to ease him ofi" with a little white lie, 
 and send him away feelinj that if he could not have 
 bread, the gentle treatment was at least something to be 
 grateful for ! ' Well, I suffered all day about that. Three 
 days before, I had fed a tramp, and fed him freely, sup- 
 posing it a virtuous act. Straight oflf you said, ' O false 
 citizen, to havo fed a tramp ! ' and I suflfered as usual. I 
 gave a tramp work ; you objected to it — after the contract 
 was made, of course ; you never speak up beforehand. 
 
 ; \ 
 
m 
 
 78 
 
 RKCEXT CARNIVAL QV CRIME. 
 
 Next I i'efiised a tramp work ; yon objected to that. 
 Ne~ t, I proposed to kill a ti-aiiip ; you kept mo awake all 
 night oozing remorse at every pore. Sure I was going to 
 bu right tkU time, I sent the next tramp away v' ith my 
 benediction ; and I wish yoxx may live as long as I do, if 
 you didn't make me smart all night again because I 
 didn't kill him. Is there any way of satisfying that 
 malignant invention which is called conscience ? " 
 
 " Ha, ha ! this is luxury ! Go (m ! " 
 
 " But come, now, answer me that question, /.s there 
 any way ? " 
 
 " Well, none that I propose to tell yon, my son. Ass! I 
 don't care ivhat act you may turn your band to, I can 
 straightway whisper a word in your ear and make yo'i 
 think you have committed a dreadful meanness. It is 
 my buKineas — and my joy — to make you repent of every- 
 thing you do. If I have fooled away my opportunities 
 it was not inttutional ; I beg to assure you it was not 
 intentional." 
 
 " Don't woiTy ; you haven't missed a trick that / know 
 of. I never did a thing in all my life, virtuous or other- 
 wise, that I didn't repent of within twenty-four hours. 
 In church last Sunday I listened to a charity sermon. 
 My first impulse was to give three hundred and fifty 
 dollars ; repented of that and reduced it a hundred ; re- 
 pented of that and reduced it another hundred ; repented 
 of that and reduced it another hundred ; repented of that 
 and reduced the remaining fift\ to twenty -five ; repented 
 of ihcii a ltd came down to fifteen ; repented of that and 
 dropped to two dollars and a ha'jf ; when the plate came 
 around at last, I repented once more and contributed ten 
 
HWIf HITWWMiaWMiXai 
 
 RECENT CARNIVAL OF CHIME. 
 
 70 
 
 .. 
 
 cents. Well, when T got home, I did wisli to goodness I 
 liad that ten cents buck again ! You never did let me 
 get through a charity sermon without having something 
 to sweat about." 
 
 " O, and 1 never shall, I never shall. You ran always 
 depend on me." 
 
 " I think so. Many and many's the restless night I 
 wanted to take you by the neck. If I could only get 
 hold of you now I " 
 
 " Yes, no doubt. But I am not an ass ; I am only the 
 saddle of an ass. But go on, go on. You entertain me 
 more than I like to confess." 
 
 " I am glad of that. (You will not mind my lying a 
 little, to keep in practice.) Look here ; not to be too pei'- 
 sonal, I think you are about the shabbiest and most con- 
 temptible little shrivelled-up reptile that can be imagined 
 I am grateful enough that you are invisible to other peo- 
 ple, for I should die with shame to be seen with such a 
 mildewed monkey of conscience as you are. Now if you 
 were five or six feet high, and — " 
 
 " O, come, who is to blame? " 
 
 " / don't know." 
 
 " Why, you are ; nobody else." 
 
 " Confound you, I wasn't consulted about your per- 
 sonal appearance." 
 
 " I don't care, you had a good deal to do with it, never- 
 theless. When you were eight or nine years old, I was 
 seven feet high and as pretty as a picture." 
 
 " I wish you had died young ! So you have grown the 
 wrong way, have you ? " 
 
 " Some of us grow one way and some the other. You 
 
 •isi3% 
 
«fV 
 
 :80 
 
 RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 had a large conscience once ; if you've a small conscience 
 now, I rocl^on there are reasons for it. However, both of 
 us are to blame, you and I. ^ You see, you used to be con- 
 scientious about a great many things ; morbi< lly so, I may 
 say. It was a great many years ago. You probably do 
 not remember it, now. Well, I took a gieat interest in 
 my work, and I so enjoyed the anguish which certain pet 
 sins of yours afHicted you with, that I kept pelting at 
 you until I rather overdid the matter. You began to 
 rebel. Of course I began to lose ground, then, and shri- 
 vel a little — diminish in stature, get mouldy, and grow 
 deformed. The more I weakened, the more stubbornly 
 you fastened on to those particular sins ; till at last 
 the places on my person that represent those vices 
 became as callous as shark-skin. Take smoking, for 
 instance. I played that card a little too long, and I 
 lost. When people plead with you at this late day to 
 quit that vice, the old callous place seems to enlarge 
 and cover me all over like a shirt of mail. It exerts a 
 mysterious, smothering effect; and presently I, your 
 faithful hater, your devoted Conscience, go fast asleep ! 
 Sound ? It is no name for it. I couldn't hear it thun- 
 der at such a time. You have some few other vices — 
 perhaps eighty, or maybe ninety — that affect me in much 
 the same way." 
 
 " This is flattering ; you must be asleep a good part of 
 your time." 
 
 " Yes, of late years. I shcjuld be asleep all the time, 
 but for the help I get." 
 
 " Who helps you ? " 
 
 " Other consciences. Whenever a person whose con- 
 
 It- I 
 
UECENT CARNIVAL OP CRIME. 
 
 81 
 
 •r 
 
 science I am acquainted with tries to plead with you 
 about the vices you are callous to, I ^et my friend to 
 give his client a pang concerning some villany of his own, 
 and that shuts otf his meddling and starts him oft' to liunt 
 personal consolation. My fiehl of usefulness is about 
 trimmed down to tramps, l)udding authoresses, and that 
 line of goods, now ; but don't you worry — I'll harry you 
 on them while they last ! Just you put your trust in 
 
 me. 
 
 " I think 1 can. But if you had only been good enough 
 to mention these facts some thirty years ago, I should 
 have turned my particular attention to sin, and I think 
 that by this time I should not only have had you pretty 
 permanently asleep on the entire list of human vices, but 
 reduced to the size of a homoeopathic pill, at that. That 
 is about the style of conscience 7 am pining for. If I only 
 had you shrunk down to a homoepathic pill, and could get 
 my hands on you, would I put you in a glass case for a 
 keepsake ? No, sir. I would give you to a yellow dog ! 
 That is where you ought to be — you and all your tribe. 
 You are not fit to be in society, in my opinion. Now 
 another question. Do you know a good many conseien- . 
 ces in this section ? " 
 " Plenty of them." 
 
 " I would give anything to see some of them ! Could 
 you bring them here ? And would they be visible to me ? " 
 "Certainly not." 
 
 ■ " I suppose I ought to have known that, without 
 asking. But no matter, you can describe them. Tell me 
 about my neighbour Thompson's conscience, please." 
 "Very well. I know him intimately, — have known. 
 
82 
 
 RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 him many years. I knew him when he was eleven feet 
 high, and of a faultless figure. But he is very rusty and 
 tough and misshappen now, and hardly ever interests 
 himself about anything. As to his present size — well, he 
 sleeps in a cigar-box." 
 
 " Likely enough. There are few smaller, meaner men 
 in this region than Hugh Thompson. Do you know Rob- 
 inson's conscience ?" 
 
 " Yes. He is a shade under four and a half feet high ; 
 used to be a blonde ; is a brunette now, but still shapely 
 and comely. 
 
 " Well, Robinson is a good fellow. Do you know Tom 
 Smith's conscience ? " 
 
 " I have known him from childhood. He was thirteen 
 inches high, and rather sluggish when he was two years 
 old — as nearly all of us are at that age. He is thirty- 
 seven feet high now, and the stateliest figure in America. 
 His legs are still racked with growing pains, but he has a 
 good time nevertheless. Never sleeps. He is the most 
 active and energetic rrember of the New England Con- 
 science Club,- -is president of it. Night and day you can 
 find him pegging away at Smith, panting with his labour, 
 sleeves rolled up, countenance all alive with enjoyment. 
 He has got his victim splendidly dragooned now. He can 
 make poor Smith imagine that the most innocent little 
 thing he does is an odious sin ; and then he sets to work 
 and almost tortures the soul out of him about it." 
 
 " Smith is the noblest man in all this section, and the 
 purest ; and yeu is always breaking his heart because he 
 cannot be good ! Only a conscience could find pleasure in 
 
 « I 
 
■ii M Mwpii l yy 
 
 CT » 
 
 ^. 
 
 V 
 
 RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 83 
 
 heaping agony upon a spirit like that. Do you know my 
 Aunt Mary's conscience ?" 
 
 " I have seen her at a distance, but am not acquainted 
 with her. She lives in the open air altogether, becaase 
 no door is large enough to admit her," 
 
 " I can believe that. Let me see. Do you know the 
 conscience of that publisher who once stole some sketches 
 of mine for a ' series ' of his, and then left me to pay the 
 law expenses I had to incur in order to choke him ott'?" 
 
 " Yes ; he has a wide fame. He was exhibited a month 
 ago, with some other antiquities, for the benefit of a recent 
 Member of the Cabinet's conscience, that was starving in 
 exile. Tickets and fares were high, but I travelled for 
 nothing by pretending to be the conscience of an editor, 
 and got in foi- half price hy representing myself to be the 
 conscience of a clergyman. However, the publisher's 
 conscience, which was to have been the main feature of 
 the entertainment, was a failure, — as an exhibition. He 
 was there, but what of that ? The management had pro- 
 vided a microscope with a magnifying power of only 
 thii-ty thousand diametei^s, and so nobody got to see him 
 after all. There was great and general dissatisfaction, of 
 course, but — " 
 
 Just here there wl s an eager footstep on the stairs. I 
 opened the door, and my Aunt Maiy burst into the room. 
 It was a joyful meeting, and a cheery bombardment of 
 questions and answers concerning family matters ensued. 
 By and by my Aunt said : 
 
 " But I am going to abuse you a little now. You pro- 
 mised me, the day I saw you last, that you would look 
 after the needs of the poor family round the corner as 
 
84 
 
 RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 faithfully as I had done it myself. Well, I found out by 
 accident that you failed of your promise. Was that 
 right ? " 
 
 In simple truth, I never had thought of that family a 
 second time ! And now such a splintering pang of guilt 
 shot through me ! I glanced up at my Conscience. 
 Plainly, my heavy heart was affecting him. His body 
 was drooping forward ; he seemed about to fall from the 
 bookcase. My aunt continued : — 
 
 " And think how you have neglected my poor protegee 
 Sit the almshouse, you dear, hard-hearted promise- 
 breaker ! " I blushed scarlet, and my tongue was tied. 
 As the sense of my guilty negligence waxed shai-per and 
 stronger, my Conscience began to sway heavily back and 
 forth ; and when my aunt, after a little pause, said in a 
 grieved tone " Since you never once went to see her, may- 
 be it will not distress you now to know that that pooi' 
 child died, months ago, utterly friendless and forsaken ! ' 
 My Conscience coidd no longer bear up under the weight 
 of my sufferings, but tumbled headlong from his high 
 perch and struck the floor with a dull, leaden thump. He 
 lay there writhing with pain and quaking with appre- 
 hension, but straining every muscle in frantic efforts to 
 get up. In a fever of expectancy I sprang totlie door, 
 locked it, placed my back against it, and bent a watchful 
 gaze upon my struggling master. Already my fingers 
 were itching to begin their murderous work. 
 
 " O, what can be the matter ! " exclaii led my aunt, 
 shrinking from me, and following with her frightened 
 eyes the direction of mine. My breath was coming in 
 
RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 85 
 
 short, quick gasps now, and my excitement was almost 
 uncontrollable. My aunt cried out, — 
 
 " O, do not look so ! You appall me ! 0, what can 
 the matter be ? What is it you see ? Why do you stare 
 so ? Why do you work your fingers like that ? " 
 
 " Peace, woman ! " I said, in a hoarse whisper. " Look 
 elsewhere ; pay no attention to me ; it is nothing, noth- 
 ing. I am often this way. It will pass in a moment. It 
 comes from smoking too much." 
 
 My injured lord was up, wild-eyed with terror, and 
 trying to hobble toward the door, I could hardly breathe, 
 I was 80 wrought up. My aunt wrung her hands, and 
 said, — 
 
 " O, I knew how it would be ; I knew it would come t(^ 
 this at last ! O, I implore yon to ci'ush out that fatal 
 liabit while it may yet be time ! You must not, you 
 shall not be deaf to my supplications longer ! " My 
 struggling Conscience showed sudden signs of weariness! 
 " O, promise me you will throw off this hateful slavery 
 of tobacco ! " My Conscience began to reel drowsily,and 
 grope with his hands — enchanting spectacle ! " I beg 
 you, I beseech you, I implore you ! Your reason is de- 
 serting you ! There is madness in your eye ! It flames 
 with frenzy ! 0, hear me, hear me, and be saved ! See, I 
 plead with you on my very knees ! " As she sank before 
 me my Conscience reeled again, and then drooped lan- 
 guidly to the floor, blinking toward me a last supplication 
 for mercy, with heavy eyes. " 0, promise, or you are 
 lost : Promise, and be redeemed ! Promise ! Promise 
 and live ! " With a long-drawn sigh my conquered Con- 
 science closed his eyes and fell fast asleep ! 
 
 V 
 
86 
 
 RECENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 i 
 
 With an exultant shout I sprang past my aunt, and in 
 an instant I had my life-long foe by the throat. After 
 so many years of waiting and longing, he was mine at 
 last. I tore him to shreds and fragments. I rent the 
 fraerments to bits. I cast the bleedingf rubbish into the 
 fire, and drew into my nostrils tlie grateful incense of my 
 burnt offering. At last, and forever, my Conscience was 
 dead ! 
 
 I was a free man ! I turned upon my poor aunt, who 
 was almost petrified with terror, and shouted, — 
 
 " Out of this with your paupers, your charities, your 
 reforms, your pestilent morals ! You behold before you 
 a man whose life-conflict is done, whose soul is at peace ; 
 a man whose heart is dead to sorrow, dead to suifferiug, 
 dead to remorse ; a man without a Conscience! In my 
 joy I spare you, though I could throttle you and never 
 feel a pang ! Fly ! " 
 
 She fled. Since that day my life is all bliss. Bliss, un- 
 alloyed bliss. Nothing in all the world could persuade 
 me to have a conscience again. I settled all my old out- 
 standing scores, and began the world anew. I killed 
 thirty-eight persons during the first two weeks — all of 
 them on account of ancient grudges. I burned a dwelling 
 that interrupted my view. I swindled a widow and somr 
 orphans out of their last cow, which is a very good one, 
 though not thoroughbred, I believe. I have also com- 
 mitted scores of crimes, of various kinds, and have en- 
 joyed my work exceedingly, whereas it would formerly 
 have broken my heart and turned my hair gray, I have 
 no doubt. 
 
 In conclusion I wish to state, by way of advertisement, 
 
 t 
 
IIEC'ENT CARNIVAL OF CRIME. 
 
 sr 
 
 that inedicul colleges desiring assorted tramps for scien- 
 tific purposes, either by the gross, by cord measurement, 
 or per ton, will do well to examine the lot in my cellar 
 before purchasing elsewhere, as these were all selected 
 and prepared by myself, and can be had at a low rate, be- 
 cause I wish to clear out my stock and get ready for the 
 spring trade. 
 
THE LOVES 
 
 OP 
 
 ALOlsrZO FITZ OLAEENCE 
 
 AND 
 
 EOSAIVJNAH ETHE1.T0]SI. 
 
 -•-♦-• 
 
 <>^ 
 
 fT was well along in the forenoon of a bittei- winter's 
 ^ . day. The town of Eastport, in the State of Maine, 
 lay buried under a deep snow that was newly fallen. The 
 customary bustle in the streets was wanting. One could 
 look long distances down them and see nothing but a 
 dead white emptiness, with silence to match, Of course 
 I do not mean that you could see the silence, — no, you 
 could only hear it. The sidewalks were merely long, 
 deep ditches, with steep snow walls on either side. Here 
 and there you might J '.ear the faint, far scrape of a wooden 
 shovel, and if you were quick enough you might catch a 
 glimpse of a distanc black figure stooping and disappear- 
 ing in one of those ditches, and reappearing the next mo- 
 ment with a motion which you would know meant the 
 heaving out of a shovelful of snow. But you needed to 
 be quick, for that black figure would not linger, but 
 would soon drop that shovel and seud for the house, 
 thrashing itself with its arms to warm them. Yes, it was 
 too venomously cold for snow shovelers or anybody else 
 to 5»tay out long. 
 
ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETH ELTON. 89 
 
 Presently the sky darkened ; then the wind rose and 
 began to blow in fitful, vigorous gusts, which sent clouds 
 of powdery snow aloft, and straight ahead, and every- 
 where. Under the impulse of one of these gusts, great 
 white drifts banked themselves like graves across the 
 streets ; a moment later, another gust shifted them around 
 the other way, driving a fine spray of snow from their 
 sharp crests, as the gale drives the spume flakes from the 
 wave-crests at sea ; a third gust swept that place as clean 
 as your hand, if it saw fit. This was fooling, this was 
 play ; but each and all of the gusts dumped some snow 
 into the sidewalk ditches, for that was business. 
 
 Alonzo Fitz Clarence was sitting in his snug and 
 elegant little parlour, in a lovely blue silk dressing-gown, 
 with cuffs and facings of crimson satin, elaborately quilted. 
 The remains of his bieakfast were before him, and the 
 dainty and costly little table service added a harmonious 
 charm to the grace, beauty, and richness of the fixed ap- 
 pointments of the room. A cheery fire was blazing on 
 the hearth. 
 
 A furious gust of wind shook the windows, and a great 
 wave of snow washed against them with a drenching 
 sound, so to speak. The handsome young bachelor mur- 
 mured, — 
 
 " That means, no going out to-day. Well, I am con- 
 tent. But what to do for company ? Mother is well 
 enough, aunt Susan is well enough ; but these, like the 
 poor, I have with me always. On so grim a day as this, 
 one needs a new interest, a fresh element, to whet the 
 dull edge of captivity. That was very neatly said, but it 
 doesn't mean anything. One doesn't waiit the edge of 
 
*m' 
 
 90 ALONZO FJTZ CLAHENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHEL'l'ON. 
 
 captivity sharpened up, you know, but just the re- 
 verse." 
 
 He glanced at his pretty French mantel clock. 
 
 " That clock's wrong again. That clock hardly eve; 
 knows what time it is ; and when it does know, it lies 
 about it, — which amounts to the same thing. Alfred ! " 
 
 There was no answer. 
 
 " Alfred ! . . . Good servant, but as uncertain as 
 the clock." • 
 
 Alonzo touched an electric bell-button in the wall. He 
 waited a moment, then touched it again ; waited a few 
 moments more, and said, — 
 
 " Battery out of order, no doubt. But now that 1 have 
 started, I will find out what time it is." He stepped to 
 a speaking-tube in the wall, blew its \vhistie and callud, 
 " Mother ! " and repeated it twice. 
 
 " WeW, that's no use. Mother's battery is out of order, 
 too. Can't raise anyliody down stairs, — that's plain." 
 
 He sat down at at a rose-wood desk, leanetl his chin on 
 the left-hand edge of it, and spoke, as if to the flooi- : — 
 " Aunt Susan 1 " 
 
 A low, pleasant voice answered, " Is that you, Alonzo r 
 
 " Yes. I'm too lazy and comfortable to go down-stairs ; 
 I'm in extremity, and I can't seem to scare up any help." 
 
 " Dear me, what is the matter ? " 
 
 " Matter enough, I can tell 3^ou ! " 
 
 " Oh, don't keep me in suspense, dear ! What Ik it ?" 
 
 " I want to know what time it is." 
 
 " You abominable boy, what a t\n-n you did give me ! 
 Is that all ? " 
 
 1 
 
ALONZO FITA CJAllENCE AND llOSANNAH ETIIELT(JN. 91 
 
 I. 
 
 "All,— on my honour. Calm yourself. Tell mc the 
 timr and receive my blessing," 
 
 " Just five minutes after nine. No charge, — keep your 
 blessing." 
 
 " 1'hanks. It wouldn't have impoverished me, aunty, 
 noi so enriched you that you could live without other 
 means." He got up murmuring, " Just five minutes after 
 nine," and faced his clock. " Ah," said he, " you are doing 
 better than usual. You are only thirty-four minutes 
 wrong. Let me see . . . let me see . . . Thirty- 
 tliree and twenty-one are fifty -four ; four times fifty-four 
 are two hundred and thirty-six. One ofi", leaves two hun- 
 dred and thii'ty-five. That's right." He turned the hands 
 of his clock forward till they marked twenty -five minutes 
 to v-ne, and said, " Now see if you can't keep right for a 
 whUe . . . else I'll rafile you !" 
 
 He sat down at the desk again, and said, "Aunt 
 Susan ! " 
 
 '•' Yes, deal-." 
 
 " Had breakfast ? " 
 
 " Yes, indeed, an hour ago." 
 
 " Busy ? " 
 
 " T-iO, — except sewing. Why ? " 
 
 " Got any company ? " 
 
 " No, but I t'xpect some at half past nine." 
 
 " I wish 1 did. I'm lonesome. I want to talk to 
 .■0)> r^body." 
 
 " Very well, talk to me." 
 
 ' But this is very private." 
 
 •' Don't be afraid, — talk right along ; there's nobody 
 here but me." 
 
92 ALONZO FITZ CLAHENCE AND ROSANNAH EIHELTON 
 
 i l| 
 
 " I hardly know wliether to venture oi- not, but" — 
 
 "But what i* Oh, don't stop there? You kno('' yon 
 can trust uie, Alonzo, — you know you can.", 
 
 " I feel it, aunt, but this is very serious. It atiects nic 
 deeply, — me and all the family, — even the whole com- 
 munity." 
 
 "Oh, Ahmzo, tell me ! I will never Ireathe a word of 
 it. What i8 it ? " 
 
 " Aunt, if I might dare " — 
 
 "Oh, please go on ! I love you and can feel for you. 
 Tell me all. Confide in me. What ix it { 
 
 " The weather ! " 
 
 " Plague take the weathei- 1 I don't see how you can 
 have the heart to serve me so, Lon." 
 
 " There, there, aunty dear, I'm sorry ; I am, on my 
 honour. I won't do it again. Do you forgive me ? " 
 
 " Yes, since you seem so sincere about it, though I know 
 I oughtn't to. You will fool me again as soon as I have 
 forgotten this time." 
 
 "No, I won't, honour bright. But such weather, oh 
 such weather ! Youv'e got to keep your spirits up arti- 
 ficially. It is snowy, and blowy, and gusty, and bitter 
 cold ! How is the weather with you ? " 
 
 " Warm and rainy and melancholy. The mourners go 
 about the streets with their umbrellas running streams 
 from the end of every whalebone. There's an elevated 
 double pavement of umbrellas stretching down the sides 
 of the streets as far as I can see. I've got a fire for cheer- 
 fulnessi and the windows open to keep cool. But it is 
 vain, it is useless : noth- ^g comes in but the balmy breath 
 of December, with its bi len of mocking odours from the 
 
 
 f 
 
ALON/.O FITZ CLARKNCK AND ItOSANNAM KTJP "''(►N. 
 
 93 
 
 I- 
 
 I. 
 
 fl 'lai poHHOHstlu' roalin outsido, aiu' • j -i- • \ \ their 
 
 la Fusion whilst the spirit of imui is low, and 
 
 tla> a. ptiidy spl(!ii(l()urs in his face wliilst ]»is soul 
 
 is clothed in sackcloth and ashes and his heart breaketh." 
 
 Alonzo open(!(lhis lips to say, " You ought to print that 
 and get it fianie<l," but checked hininelf, for he heainl his 
 aunt speaking to some one else. He went and stood at 
 the window and looked out upon the wintry prospect. 
 The storm was driving the snow before it more furiously 
 than ever ; window shutters were slamming and banging ; 
 a forlorn dog, with bowed head and tail withdrawn from 
 service, was pressing his cpiaking body against a windward 
 wall for shelter and protection ; a young girl was plough- 
 ing knee-deep through tlie drifts, with her face turned 
 from the blast, and the cape of her water-proof blowing 
 straight rearward over her head. Alonzo shuddered, and 
 said with a sigh, " Btitter the slop and the sultry rain, and 
 even the insolent Howers, than this I " 
 
 He turned from the window, moved a step, and stopped 
 in a listening attitude. The faint, sweet notes of a fa- 
 miliar song caught his ear. He remained there, with his 
 head unconsciously bent forward, drinking in the melody, 
 stirring neither hand nor foot, hardly breathing. There 
 was a blemish in the execution of the song, but to Alonzo 
 it seemed an added charm instead of a defect. This blem- 
 ish consisted of a marked flatting of the third, fourth, 
 fifth, sixth and seventh notes of the refrain or chorus of 
 the piece. When the nuisic ended, Alonzo drew a deep 
 breath, and said, " Ah, I never have heard In the Sweet 
 By and By sung like that before ! " 
 
 He stepped (juickly to the desk, listened a moment, and 
 
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94 ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 
 
 said in a guarded, confidential voice, " Aunty, who is this 
 divine singer ? " 
 
 " She is the company I was expecting. Stays with me 
 a month or two. I will introduce you. Miss " — 
 
 " For goodness sake, wait a moment, aunt Susan ! You 
 never stop to think what you are about ! " 
 
 He flew to his bed-chamber, and returned in a moment 
 perceptibly changed in his outward appearance, and re- 
 marking, snappishly, — 
 
 " Hang it, she would have introduced me to this angel 
 in that sky-blue dressing-gown with red-hot lappels ! 
 Women never think, when they get agoing." 
 
 He hastened and stood by the desk, and said eagerly, 
 " Now, aunty, I am ready," and fell to smiling and bow- 
 ing with all the persuasiveness and elegance that were in 
 him. 
 
 " Very well. Miss Rosannah Ethelton, let me introduce 
 to you my favourite nephew, Mr. Alonzo Fitz Clarence. 
 There ! You are both good people, and I like you ; so I 
 am going to trust you together while 1 attend to a few 
 household affairs. Sit down, Rosannah ; sit down, Alonzo. 
 Good-by ; I shan't be gone long." ^ ' 
 
 Alonzo had been bowing and smiling all the while, and 
 motioning imaginary young ladies to sit down in imagi- 
 nary chairs, but now he took a seat himself, mentally 
 saying, " Oh, this is luck ! Let the winds blow, now and 
 the snow drive, and the heavens frown ! Little 1 care ! " 
 
 While these young people chat themselves into an 
 acquaintanceship, let us take the liberty of inspecting the 
 sweeter and fairer of the two. She sat alone at her 
 graceful ease, in a richly furnished apartment which was 
 
 
ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 
 
 95 
 
 t:-'.v 
 
 Kir 
 
 !%-■ 
 
 manifestly the private parlour of a refined and sensible 
 lady, if signs and symbols may go for anything. For 
 instance, by a low, comfortable chair stood a dainty, top- 
 heavy work-stand, whose summit was a fancifully em- 
 broidered shallow basket, with vari-coloured crewels, and 
 other strings and odds and ends, protruding from under 
 the gaping lid and hanging down in negligent profusion. 
 On the floor lay bright shreds of Turkey-red, Prussian 
 blue, and kindred fabrics, bits of ribbon, a spool or two, 
 a pair of scissors, and a roll or so of tinted silken stuffs. 
 On a luxurious sofa, upholstered with some sort of soft 
 Indian goods wrought in black and gold threads inter- 
 webbed with other threads not so pronounced in colour, 
 lay a great square of coarse white stuff, upon whose sur- 
 face a rich bouquet of flowers was growing, under the 
 deft cultivation of the crochet needle. The household cat 
 was asleep on this work of art. In a bay window stood 
 an easel with an unfinished picture on it, and a palette 
 and brushes on a chair beside it. Thero were books every- 
 where : Robertson's Sermons, Tennyson, Moody and San- 
 key, Hawthorne, Rab and his Friends, cook-books, prayer- 
 books, pattern-books, — and books about all kinds of odious 
 and exasperating pottery, of course. There was a piano, 
 with a deck -load of music, and more in a tender. There 
 was a great plenty of pictures on the walls, on the shelves 
 of the mantel-piece, and around generally ; where coignes 
 of vantage offered were statuettes, and quaint and pretty 
 gimcracks, and rare and costly specimens of peculiarly 
 devilish china. The bay-window gave upon a garden that 
 was ablaze with foreign and domestic flowers and flower- 
 ing shrubs ' V 
 
06 ALONZO FITZ CLARENCK AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON 
 
 
 But the sweet young girl was the daintiest thing those 
 premises, within or without, could offer for contempla- 
 tion ; delicately chiseled features, of Grecian cast; her 
 complexion the pure snow of a japonica that is receiving 
 a faint reflected enrichment from some scarlet neighbour 
 of the garden ; great, soft blue eyes fringed with long, 
 curving lashes ; an expression made up of the truthful- 
 ness of a child and the gentleness of a fawn ; a beautiful 
 head crowned with its own prodigal gold ; a lithe and 
 rounded figure, whose every attitude and movement were 
 instinct with native grace. 
 
 Her dress and adornment were marked by that exqui- 
 site harmonv that can come onlv of a fine nature^ taste 
 perfected by culture. Her gown was of a simple ^' enta 
 tulle, cut bias, traversed by three rows of li^ blue 
 flounces, with the selvage edges turned up with ashes-of- 
 roses-chenille ; overdress of dark bay tarleton, with scarlet 
 satin lambrequins ; corn-coloured polciiaise, en panier, 
 looped with mother-of-pearl buttons and silver cord, and 
 hauled aft and made fast by buff"- velvet lashings ; basque 
 of lavender reps, picked out with Valenciennes; low neck, 
 short sleeves ; maroon-velvet necktie edged with delicate 
 pink silk; inside handkerchief of some simple three-ply in- 
 grain fabric of a soft saffron tint; coral bracelets and 
 locket-chain ; coiffure of forget-me-nots and lilies of the 
 valley massed around a noble calla. 
 
 This was all ; yet even in this subdued attire she was 
 divinely beautiful. Tlien what must she have been when 
 adorned for the festival or the ball ? 
 
 All this time she has been busily chatting with Alonzo, 
 unconscious of our inspection. The minutes still sped. 
 
 
 :■■'?. 
 
 ^ ■»,■• 
 
 a i 
 
! 
 
 a % 
 
 ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND llOSANNAH ETHKLTON. 97 
 
 and still she talked. By and by she happened to look 
 up, and saw the clock. A crimson blush sent its rich 
 Hood through her cheeks, and she exclaimed, — 
 
 " There, good-by , Mr. Fitz Clarence ; I must go now ! " 
 She sprang from her chair with such haste that she 
 hardly heard the young man's answering good-by. She 
 stood radiant, graceful, beautiful, and gazed, wondering, 
 upon the accusing clock. Presently her pouting lips 
 parted, and she said, — 
 
 " Five minutes after eleven ! Nearly two hours, and it 
 did not seem twenty minutes! Oh, deai-, what will he 
 think of me ! " 
 
 At the sell -same moment Alonzo was staring at his 
 clock. And presently he said, — 
 
 " Twenty-five minutes to three ! Nearly two hours, 
 and I didn't believe it was two minutes ! Is it possible 
 that this clock is humbugging me again? JVliss Ethelton ! 
 Just one moment, please. Are you there yet ? " 
 " Yes, but be quick ; I'm going right away." • 
 " Would you be so kind as to tell me what time it 
 
 IS? 
 
 The girl blushed again, murmured to herself, "It's 
 right down cruel of him to ask me ! " and then spoke up 
 and answered with admirably counterfeited unconcern, 
 ' Five minutes after nine." 
 
 " Oh, thank you ! You have to go now, have you?" 
 
 "Yes." ». 
 
 " I m sorry. 
 
 No reply. 
 
 " Miss Ethelton ! '* 
 
 "Well'" 
 
', 
 
 98 ALONZO FITZ CLAUKNCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 
 
 " You — ^you're there yet, ain't you ?" 
 
 " Yes ; but please hurry. What did you want to 
 
 say 
 
 ?" 
 
 " Well, I — well, nothing in particular. It's very lone- 
 some here. It's asking a great deal, I know, but would 
 you mind talking with me again by and by, — that is, if 
 it will not trouble you too much ? " 
 
 " 1 don't know— but I'll think about it. I'll try." 
 
 " Oh, thanks ! Miss Ethelton ... Ah me, she's 
 gone, and here are the black clouds and the whirling snow 
 and the raging winds come again ! But she said good-hy \ 
 She didn't say good morning, she said good by ! . . . 
 The clock was right, after all. What a lightning-winged 
 two hours it was !" 
 
 He sat down, and gazed dreamily into his fire for a 
 while, then heaved a sigh and said, — 
 
 " How wonderful it is ! Two little hours ago I was a 
 free man, and now my heart's in San Francisco !" 
 
 About that time Rosannah Ethelton, propped in the 
 window-seat of her bed-chamber, book in hand, was gazing 
 vacantly out over the rainy seas that washed the Golden 
 Gate, and whispered to herself, " How different he is 
 from poor Burley, with his empty head and his simple 
 little antic talent of mimicry ! " . 
 
 
 '■^fr 
 
 'OUR weeks later Mr. Sidney Algernon Burley was en- 
 tertaining a gay luncheon company, in a sumptuous 
 drawing-room on Telegraph Hill, with some capital imita- 
 tions of the voices and gestures of certain popular actors 
 
ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 99 
 
 ;o 
 
 if 
 
 H 
 
 V 
 
 a 
 
 a 
 
 I: 
 
 and San Franciscan literary people and Bonanza grandees. 
 He was elegantly upholstered, and was a handsome fel- 
 low, barring a trifling east in his eye. He seemed very 
 jovial, but nevertheless he kept his eye on the door with 
 an expectant and uneasy watchfulness. By and by a 
 nobby lackey appeared, and delivered a message to the 
 mistress, who nodded her head understandingly. That 
 seemed to settle the thing for Mr. Burley ; his vivacity 
 decreased little by little, and a dejected look began to 
 creep into one of his eyes and a sinister one into the 
 other. 
 
 The rest of the company departed in due time, leaving 
 him with the mistress, to whom he said, — 
 
 " There is no longer any question about it. She avoids 
 me. She continua,ily excuses herself. If I could see her, 
 if I could speak to her only a moment, — but this sus- 
 pense." — 
 
 "Perhaps her seeming avoidance is mere accident, Mr. 
 Burley. Go to the small drawing-room up stairs and 
 amuse yourself a moment. I will dispatch a household 
 order that is on my mind, and then I will go to her room. 
 Without doubt she will be persuaded to see you." 
 
 Mr. Burley went up stairs, intending to go to the small 
 drawing-room, but as he was passing " Aunt Susan's " 
 private parlour, the door of which stood slightly ajar, he 
 heard a joyous laugh which he recognised ; so without 
 knock or announcement he stepped confidently in. But 
 before he could make his presence known he heard words 
 that harrowed up his soul and chilled his young blood. 
 He heard a voice say, — ^ 
 
 " Darling, it has come 
 
 • » 
 
100 ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 
 
 Then he heard Rosannah Ethelton, whose back was 
 . toward him say, — 
 
 " So has yours, dearest !" 
 
 He saw her bowed form bend lower ; he heard her kiss 
 something, — not merely once, but again and again ! His 
 soul raged within him. The heart-breaking conversation 
 went on : — 
 
 " Rosannah, I know you must be beautiful, but this is 
 dazzling, this is blinding, this is intoxicating! " 
 
 " Alonzo, it is such happiness to hear you say it. I 
 know it is not true, but I am so grateful to have you 
 think it is, nevertheless ! I knew you must have a noble 
 face, but the grace and majesty of the reality beggar the 
 poor creation of my fancy." 
 
 Burley heard that rattling shower of kisses again. 
 
 " Thank you, my Rosannah ! The photograph flatters 
 me, but you must not allow yourself to think of that. • 
 Sweetheart ? " 
 
 " Yes, Alonzo." 
 
 "I am so happy, Rosannah." 
 
 " Oh, Alonzo, none that have gone before me knew 
 what love was, none that come after me will ever know 
 what happiness is. I float in a gorgeous cloudland, a 
 boundless firmament of enchanted and bewildering 
 ectascy!" 
 
 " Oh, my Rosannah ! — for you are mine, are you not ? " 
 
 " Wholly, oh, wholly yours, Alonzo, now and forever ! 
 All the day long, and all through my nightly dreams, one 
 song sings itself, and its sweet burden is, ' Alonzo Fitz 
 Clarence, Alonzo Fitz Clarence, Eastport, State of 
 Maine!'" 
 
 
 1 
 
ALONZO FITZ CLAREN<!K AND ROSANNAH ETHKl.TON. 101 
 
 1 
 
 " Curse him, I've got his address, anyway ! " roared 
 Burley, inwardly, and rushed from the place. 
 
 Just behind the unconscious Alonzo stood his mother, 
 a picture of astonishment. She was so muffled from head 
 to heel in furs that nothing of herself was visible but her 
 eyes and nose. She was a good allegory of winter, for 
 she was powdered all over with snow. 
 
 Behind the unconscious Rosannah stood " aunt Susan," 
 another picture of astonishment. She was a good alle- 
 gory of summer, for she was lightly clad, and was vigor- 
 ously cooling the perspiration on her face with a fan. 
 
 B(jth of these women had tears of joy in their eyes. 
 
 " So ho ! " exclaimed Mrs. Fitz Clarence, " this explains 
 why nobody has been able to drag you out of your room 
 for six weeks, Alonzo ! " 
 
 " So ho ! " exclaimed aunt Susan, " thi oxplains why 
 you have been a hermit for the past six weeks, Rosan- 
 nah ! " 
 
 The young couple were on their feet in an instant, 
 abashed, and standing like detected dealers in stolen goods 
 awaiting Judge Lynch's doom, 
 
 " Bless you, my son ! I am happy in your happiness. 
 Come to your mother's arms, Alonzo ! " 
 
 " Bless you, Rosannah, for my dear nephew's sake ! 
 Come to my arms ! " 
 
 Then was there a mingling of hearts and of tears of re- 
 joicing on Telegraph Hill and in Eastport Square. 
 
 Servants were called by the elders, in both places. 
 Unto one was given the order, " Pile this fire high with 
 hickory wood, and bring me a roasting-hot lemonade." 
 
 Unto the other was given the order, " Put out this fire, 
 Q 
 
102 ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 
 
 and bring me two palm-leaf fans and a pitcher of ice- 
 water." 
 
 Then the young people were dismissed, and the elders 
 sat down to talk the sweet surprise over and make the 
 wedding plans. 
 
 Some minutes before this Mr. Burley rushed from the 
 mansion on Telegraph Hill without meeting or taking 
 formal leave of anybody. He hissed through his teeth, 
 in unconscious imitation of a popular favourite in melo- 
 drama, " Him shall she never wed ! I have sworn it ! 
 Ere sfreat Nature shall have doffed her winter's ei-mine 
 to don the emerald gauds of spring, she shall be mine ! " 
 
 III. 
 
 'mF^WO weeks later. Every few hours, during some 
 b^, three or four days, a very prim and devout-lookinj;- 
 Episcopal clergyman with a cast in his eye, had visited 
 Alonzo. According to his card, he was the Rev. Melton 
 Hargrave, of Cincinnati. He said he had retired from 
 the ministry on account of his health. If he had said on 
 account of ill b<^a1th; he would probably have erred, to, 
 judge by his wholesome looks and firm build He was 
 the inventor of an improvement in telephones, and hoped 
 to make his bread by selling the privilege of using it. 
 " At present," he continued, " a man may go and tap a 
 ..telegraph wire which is conveying a song or a concert 
 from one State to another, and he can attach his private 
 telephone and steal a hearing of that music as it passes 
 along. My invention will stop all that. " 
 
ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 103 
 
 i$- 
 
 " Well," answered Alonzo^ " if the owner of the nuiHic 
 could not miss what was stolen, why sliould he care ? " 
 
 " He shouldn't care," said the Reverend. 
 
 " Well ? " said Alonzo, inquiringly. 
 
 " Suppose," replied the Reverend, " suppose that, in- 
 stead of music that was passing along and being stolen, 
 the burden of the wire was loving endearments of the 
 most private and sacred nature ? " 
 
 Alonzo shuddered from head to heel. " Sir, it is a 
 priceless invention," said he ; " I must have it at any 
 cost." 
 
 But the invention was delayed somewhere on the road 
 from Cincinnati, most unaccountably. The impatient 
 Alonzo could hardly wait. The thought of Rosannah's 
 sweet words being shared with him by some ribald thief 
 was galling to him. The Reverend came frequently and 
 lamented the del?//, and told of measures he had taken 
 to hurry things up. This was some little comfort to 
 Alonzo. 
 
 One forenoon the Reverend ascended the stairs and 
 knocked at Alonzo's door. There was no response. He 
 entered, glanced eagerly around, closed the door softly, 
 then ran to the telephone. The exquisitely soft, remote 
 strains of the Sweet By and By came floating through 
 the instrument. The singer was flatting, as usual, the 
 five notes that follow the first two in the chorus, when 
 the Reverend interrupted her with this word, in a voice 
 which was an exact imitation of Alonzo's, with just the 
 faintest flavour of impatience added, — 
 
 "Sweetheart?" , 
 
 " Yes, Alonzo ? " 
 
I 
 
 104 ALONZO PITZ CLARENCE AND R08ANNAH ETHELTON. 
 
 " Please don't Hin^ that any more this week, — try some- 
 thing modern." 
 
 The agile stop that goes with a happy heart wan heard 
 on the stairs, and the Reverend, smiling diabolically, 
 sought sudde.i refuge behind the heavy folds of the vel- 
 vet window curtains. Alonzo entered and Hew to the 
 telephone. Said he, — 
 
 " Rosarmah, dear, shall we sing something together ? " 
 
 " Something modern ? " asked she, with sarcastic bit- 
 terness. 
 
 " Yes, if you prefer." 
 
 " Sing it yourself, if you like I " 
 
 This snappishness amazed and wounded the young man. 
 He said, — 
 
 " Rosannah , that was not like you." 
 
 " I -suppose it becomes me as much as your very polite 
 speech became you, Mr. Fitz Clarence." 
 
 " Mister Fitz Clarence ! Rosannah, there was nothing 
 impolite about my speech." 
 
 " Oh, indeed ! Of course, then, I misunderstood you, 
 and I most humbly beg your pardon, ha-ha-ha ! No 
 doubt you said, ' Don't sing it any more to-day.' " 
 
 " Sing what any more to-day ? " 
 
 "The song you mentioned, of course. How very obtuse 
 we are, all of a sudden ! " 
 
 " I never mentioned any song." 
 
 -' Oh, yovL didn't ! " 
 
 ""So, I didn't!" 
 
 " I am compelled to remark that you did" 
 
 " And I am obliged to reiterate that I didn't." 
 
 I 
 
 J 
 
 "v 
 
ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHKLTON. 105 
 
 i 
 
 " A socond rudeness ! That is sufticient, sir. I will 
 never forgive you. All is over hot ween us." 
 
 Then canio a uiutHod sound of crying. Alonzo hastened 
 to say, — 
 
 " Oh, Rosannah, unsay those words ! There is some 
 dreadful niistory here, some hideous mistake. I .on ut- 
 terly earnest and sincere when I say T never Maid anything 
 about any song. I would not hui-t you for the whole 
 world . . . Rosannah, dear ? ... Oh, speak to mo, won't 
 you ! " 
 
 There was a pause ; then Alonzo heard the girl's sob- 
 l»ing8 retreating, and knew she had gone from the tele- 
 phone. He rose with a heavy sigh and hastened from 
 the room, saying to himself, " I will ransack the charity 
 missions and the haunts of the poor for my niother. She 
 will persuade her that I never meant to wound her." 
 
 A minute later, the Reverend was crouching over the 
 telephone like a cat that knoweth the ways of the prey. 
 He had not very many minutes to wait. A soft, repen- 
 tant voice, tremulous with tears, said, — 
 
 " Alonzo, dear, I have been wrong. You could not have 
 said so cruel a thing. It must have been some one who 
 imitated your voice in malice or in jest." 
 
 The Reverend coldly answered, in Alonzo's tones, — 
 
 " You have said all was over between us. So let it be, 
 I spurn your proffered repentance, and despise it ! " 
 
 Then he departed, radiant with fiendish triumph, to 
 return no metre with his imaginary telephonic invention 
 forever. 
 
 Four hours afterward, Alonzo anived with his mother 
 from her favourite haunts of poverty and vice. They 
 
106 ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 
 
 summoned the San Francisco household ; but there was 
 no reply. They waited, and continued to wait, upon the 
 voiceless telephone. 
 
 At length, when it was sunset in San Francisco, and 
 three hours and a half after dark in Eastport, an answer 
 came to the oft-repeated cry of " Rosannah ! " 
 
 But, alas, it was aunt Susan's voice that spake. She 
 said, — 
 
 " I have been out all day ; just got in. I will go and 
 find her." 
 
 The watchers waited two minutes — five minutes — ten 
 minutes. Then came these fatal words, in a frightened 
 tone, — 
 
 " She is gone, and her baggage with her. To visit an- 
 other friend, she told the servants. But I found this note 
 on the table in her room. Listen : ' I am gone ; seek not 
 to trace me out ; my heart is broken ; you will never see 
 me more. Tell him I shall alw^ays think of him when I 
 sing my poor Sweet By and By, hut never of the unkind 
 words he said about it.' That is her note. Alonzo, Al- 
 onzo, what does it mean ? What has happened ? " 
 
 But Alonzo sat white and cold as the dead. His mother 
 threw back the velvet cuitains and opened a window. 
 The cold air refreshed the suflferer, and he told his aunt 
 his dismal story. Meantime his mother was inspecting 
 a card which had disclosed itself upon the floor when she 
 cast the curtains back. It read, " Mr. Sidney Algernoon 
 Burley, San Francisco." 
 
 " The miscreant ! " shouted Alonzo, and rushed foi-th to 
 seek the false Reverend and destroy him ; for the card ex- 
 plained everything, since in the course of the lovers' mu- 
 
 
ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 107 
 
 t' 
 
 ■ r 
 
 [• 
 
 li^ 
 
 tual confessions they had told each other all about all the 
 .sweethearts they had ever had, and thrown no end of mud 
 at their failings and foibles, — for lovers always do that. 
 It has a fascination that ranks next after billing and 
 
 cooing. 
 
 IV. 
 
 During the next ^-w^o months, many things happened. 
 It had early transpired that Rosannah, poor suffering or- 
 phan, had neither returned to her grandmother in Portland, 
 Oregon, nor sent any word to her save a duplicate of the 
 woful note she had left in the mansion on Telegraph Hill. 
 Whosoever was sheltering her — if she was still alive — 
 had been persuaded not to betray her whereabouts, with- 
 out doubt ; for all efforts to find trace of her had failed. 
 
 Did Alonzo give her up ? Not he. He said to himself, 
 " She will sing that sweet song when she is sad ; I shall 
 find her." So he took his carpet sack and a portable tele- 
 phone, and shook the fsnow of his native city from his 
 arctics, and went forth into the world. He wandered far 
 and wide and in many States. Time and again, strangers 
 were astounded to see a wasted, pale, and woe-worn man 
 laboriously climb a telegraph pole in wintry and lonely 
 places, perch sadly there an hour, with his ear at a little 
 box, then come sighing down, and wander wearily away. 
 Sometimes they shot at him, as peasants do at aeronauts, 
 thinking him mad and dangerous. Thus his clothes were 
 much shredded by bullets and his person grievously lacer- 
 ated. But he bore it all patiently. 
 
 In the beginning of his pilgrimage he used often to say, 
 "Ah, if I could but hear the Sweet By and By ! " But to- 
 
108 ALONZO FITZ CLARANCK AND ROSANNAH ETH ELTON. 
 
 f' 
 
 
 ward the end of it he used to shed tears of anguish and 
 say, " Ah, if I could but hear something else! " 
 
 Thus a month and three weeks drifted by, and at last 
 some humane people seized him and confined him in a 
 private mad-house in Mew York. He made no moan, for 
 his strength was all gone, and with it all heart and all 
 hope. The superintendent, in pity, gave up his own com- 
 fortable parlour and bed-chamber to him and nursed him 
 with affectionate devotion. 
 
 At the end of a week the patient was able to leave his 
 bed for the first time. He was lying, comfortably pillowed, 
 on a sofa, listening to the plaintive Miserere of the bleak 
 March winds, and the muffled sound of tramping feet in 
 the street below, — for it was about six in the evening, 
 and New York was going home from work. He had a 
 bright fire, and the added cheer of a couple of student 
 lamps. So it was warm and snug within, though bleak and 
 raw without ; it was light and bright within though out- 
 side it was dark and dreary as if the world had been lit 
 with Hartford gas. Alonzo smiled feebly to think how his 
 loving vagaries had made him a maniac in the eyes of the 
 world, and was proceeding to pursue his line of thought 
 further, when a faint, sweet strain, the very ghost of 
 sound, so remote and attenuated it seemed, struck upon 
 his ear. His pulses stood' still ; he listened with parted 
 lips and bated breath. The song flowed on, — he waiting, 
 listening, rising slowly and unconsciously from his recum- 
 bent position. At last he exclaimed, — 
 
 " Tt is ! it is she ! Oh, the divine flatted notes ! " 
 • He dragged himself eagerly to the corner whence the 
 sounds proceeded, tore aside £*>• curtain, and discovered a 
 
 , 
 
 • 
 
 
V 
 
 ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 109 
 
 telephone. He bent over, and as the last note died away 
 he burst forth with the exclamation, — 
 
 " Oh, thank Heaven, found at last ! Speak to me, Ro- 
 sannah, dearest ! The cruel mystery has been unraveled 
 it was the villain Burley who mimicked my voice and 
 wounded you with insolent speech. ! " 
 
 There was a breathless pause, a waiting age to Alonzo; 
 then a faint sound came, framing itself into language, — 
 
 " Oh, say those precious words again, Alonzo ! " 
 
 " They are the truth, the veritable truth, my Rosannah, 
 and you shall have the proof , ample and abundant proof!" 
 
 " Oh, Alonzo, stay by me ! Leave me not for a mo- 
 ment ! Let me feel that you are near me ! Tell me we 
 shall never be parted more ! Oh, this happy hour, this 
 blessed hour, this memorable hour ! " 
 
 " We will make record of it, my Rosannah ; every year, 
 as this dear hour chimes from the clock, we will celebrate 
 it with thanksgivings, all the years of our life." 
 
 " We will, we will Alonzo ! " 
 
 " Four minutes after six, in the evening, my Rosannah, 
 shall henceforth" — 
 
 " Twenty-three minutes after twelve.afternoon, shall" — 
 
 " Why, Rosannah, darling, where are you ? " 
 
 " In Honolulu, Sandwich Islands. And where are you? 
 Stay by me ; do not leave me for a moment. I cannot 
 bear it. Are you at home ? " 
 
 " No, dear, I am in New York,— a patient in the doctor's 
 hands." 
 
 An agonizing shriek came buzzing to Alonzo's ear, like 
 the sharp buzzing of a hurt gnat ; it lost power in travel- 
 ling five thousand miles. Alonzo hastened to say, — 
 
110 ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 
 
 " Calm yourself, my child. It is nothing. Already I 
 am getting well under the sweet healing of your presence. 
 Rosannah ? " 
 
 " Yes, Alonzo ? Oh, how you terrified me ! Say on." 
 
 " Name the happy day, Rosannah ! " 
 
 There was a little pause. Then a diflSdent small voice 
 replied, " I blush — but it is with pleasure, it is with hap- 
 piness. Would — would you like to have it soon ? " 
 
 " This very night, Rosannah ! Oh, let us risk no more 
 delays. Let it be now ! — this very night, this very mo- 
 ment ! " 
 
 " Oh, you impatient creature ! I have nobody here but 
 my good old uncle, a missionary for a generation, and now 
 retired from service, — nobody but him and his wife. I 
 would so dearly like it if your mother and your aunt 
 Susan " — 
 
 " Our mother and our aunt Susan, my Rosannah." 
 
 " Yes, our mother and our aunt Susan, — I am content 
 to word it so if it pleases you ; I would so like to have 
 them present." . , , . s 
 
 " So would I. Suppose you telegraph aunt Susan. How 
 long would it take her to come ? " . /■ 
 
 " The steamer leaves San Francisco day after to-mor- 
 row. The passage is eight days. She would be here the 
 31st of March." > .. 
 
 " Then name the 1st of A^jril : do, Rosannah, dear." 
 
 " Mercy, it would make us April fools, Alonzo ! " -* 
 
 " So we be the happiest ones that that day's sun looks 
 down upon in the whole broad expanse of the globe, why 
 need we care ? Call it the 1st of April, dear." 
 
 
 ,**:. 
 
-fi 
 
 
 i 
 
 ALONZO FITZ CLARKNCE AND ROSANNAH ETHLETUN. Ill 
 
 " Then the 1st of April it shall be, with all my heart ! " 
 
 " Oh, happiness ! Name the hour, too, Rosannah." 
 
 " I like the morning, it is so blithe. Will eight in the 
 morning do, Alonzo ! " 
 
 " The loveliest hour in the day, — since it will make you 
 mine." 
 
 There was a feeble but frantic sound for some little time 
 as if wool-lipped, disembodied spirits were exchanging 
 kisses ; then Rosannah said, " Excuse me just a moment, 
 dear ; I have an appointment, and am called to meet it." 
 
 The young girl sought a large parlor and took her place 
 at a window which looked out upon a beautiful scene. To 
 the left one could view the charming Nuuana Valley, 
 fringed with its ruddy flush of tropical flowers and its 
 plumed and graceful cocoa palms; its rising foothills 
 clothed in the shining green of lemon, citron, and orange 
 groves ; its storied precipice beyond, where the flrstKarae- 
 hameha drove his defeated foes over to their destruction, 
 — ^a spot that had forgotten its grim history, no doubt, for 
 now it was smiling, as almost always at noonday, under 
 the glowing arches of a succession of rainbows. In front 
 of the window one could see the quaint town, and here 
 and there a picturesque gi-oup of dusky natives, enjoying 
 the blistering weather ; and far to the right lay the rest- 
 less ocean, tossing its white mane in the sunshine. 
 
 Rosannah stood there, in her filmy white raiment, fan- 
 ning her flushed and heated face, waiting. A Kanaka boy, 
 clothed in a damaged blue neck-tie and part of a silkhat, 
 thrust hit head in at the door, and announced, " 'Frisco 
 haole !" " 
 
 , " Show him in," said the girl, straightening herself up 
 
112 ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 
 
 and assuming a meaning dignity. Mr. Sidney Algernon, 
 Burley entered, clad from head to heel in dazzling snow, 
 — that is to say, in the lightest and whitest of Irish linen. 
 He moved eagerly forward, but the girl made a gesture 
 and gave him a look which checked him suddenly. She 
 said, coldly, " I am here, as I promised. I believed your 
 assertions, I yielded to your importunities, and said I 
 would name the day. I name the 1st of April, — eight in 
 the morning. Now go." 
 
 " Oh, my dearest, if the gratitude of a life-time " — 
 " Not a word. Spare me all sight of you, all communica- 
 tion with you, until that hour. No, — no supplications ; I 
 will have it so." 
 
 When he was gone, she sank exhausted in a chair, for 
 the long siege of troubles she had undergone had wasted 
 her strength. Presently she said, " What a narrow escape ! 
 If the hour appointed had been an hour earlier — Oh, 
 horror, what an escape I have made ! And to think I had 
 come to imagine I was loving this beguiling, this truthless, 
 this treacherous monster ! Oh, he shall repent his 
 villainy!" ^ 
 
 Let us now draw this history to a close, for little more 
 needs to be told. On the 2nd of the ensuing April, the 
 Honolula Advertiser contained this notice : — 
 
 Married. — In this city, by telephone, yesterday morn- 
 ing, at eight o'clock, by Rev. Nathan Hays, assisted by 
 Rev. Nathaniel Davis, of New York, Mr. Alonzo Fitz 
 Clarence, of Eastport, Maine, U. S., and Miss Rosannah 
 Ethelton, of Portland, Oregon, U. S. Mrs. Susan How[- 
 
 
ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETHELTON. 113 
 
 land, of San Francisco, a friend of the hiide, was present, 
 she being the guest of the Rev. Mr. Hays and wife, uncle 
 and aunt of the bride. Mr. Sidney Algernon Burley, of 
 San Francisco, was also present, but did not remain till 
 the conclusion of the marriage service. Captain Haw- 
 thorne's beautiful yacht, tastefully decorated, was in wait- 
 ing, and the happy bride and her friends immediately de- 
 parted on a bridal trip to Lahaina and Haleakala. 
 
 The New York papers of the same date contained this 
 notice : — 
 
 Married. — In this city, yesterday, by telephone, at 
 half past two in the morning, by Rev. Nathaniel Davis, 
 assisted by Rev. Nathan Hays, of Honolulu, Mr, Alonzo 
 Fitz Clarence, of Eastport, Maine, and Miss Rosanna 
 Ethelton, of Portland, Oregon. The parents and' several 
 friends of the bridegroom were present, and enjoyed a 
 sumptous breakfast and much festivity until nearly sun- 
 rise, and then departed on a bridal trip to the Aquarium, 
 the bridegi-oom's state of health not admitting of a more 
 extended journey. 
 
 t 
 
 Toward the close of that memorable day, Mr. and Mrs. 
 Alonzo Fitz Clarence were buried in sweet converse con- 
 cerning the pleasures of their several bridal tours, when 
 suddenly the young wife exclaimed : " 0, Lonny, I forgot ! 
 I did what I said I would." 
 
 " Did you, dear ? " 
 
 " Indeed I did. I made him the April fool ! And I 
 told him so, too ! Ah, it was a charming surprise ! There 
 
 ■€?:■. 
 
114 ALONZO FITZ CLARENCE AND ROSANNAH ETI5ELT0N. 
 
 he stood, sweltering in a black dress suit, with the mer- 
 <;ury leaking out of the top of the thermometer, waiting 
 to be married. You should have seen the look he gave 
 when I whispered it in his ear! Ah, his wickedness ''.ost 
 me many a heartache and many a tear, but the score was 
 all squared up, then. So the vengeful feeling went right 
 out of my heart, and I begged him to stay, and said I for- 
 gave him everything. But he wouldn't. He said he 
 would live to be avenged ; said he would make our lives 
 a curse to us : But he can't, can he, dear ? " 
 " Never in this world, ray Rosannah ! " 
 
 Aunt Susan, the Orfegonian grandmother, and the young 
 ci>uple and their Eastport parents are all happy at this 
 writing, and likely to remain so. Aunt Susan brought 
 the bride from the Islands, accompanied her across oui- 
 continent, and had the happiness of witnessing the rap- 
 turous meeting between on adoring husband and wife 
 who had never seen each other until that moment. 
 
 A word about the wretched Burley, whose wicked 
 machinations came so near wrecking the hearts and lives 
 of our poor young friends, will be sufficient. In a mur- 
 derous attempt to seize a crippled and helpless artisan 
 who he fancied had done him some small offence, he fell 
 into a caldron of boiling oil and expired before he could 
 
 be extinguished. 
 
 N 
 
 Mark Twain. 
 
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