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 1 
 
 2 
 
 3 
 
 1 
 
 2 
 
 3 
 
 4 
 
 5 
 
 6 
 
 32 X 
 
Dow's m 
 
m'S PATENT SERMom. 
 
 ,' k' "* 
 
 
 ft-"; 
 
 tt*^ 
 
 '%f' 
 
 ttf" 
 
 m 
 
^'«S'rse„. 
 

 
 
 
 ■ <* 
 
mm''' 
 
 • I 
 
 ■J 
 
/'/patent sermons/'' 
 
 BT 
 
 lyiji 
 
 / 
 
 HALIFAX : 
 
 M 1 L X E K AND 8 O W E R B Y. 
 18G5. 
 
 % 
 
 I 
 
 90^ 
 
 I * 
 
 
 
On Lucl 
 
 On Trut 
 
 Kich in ] 
 
 Bust to ] 
 
 Midsumn 
 
 This Bus 
 
 Modem "5 
 
 A Short I! 
 
 Boiling 
 
 On Angei 
 
 Man Born 
 
 Egotistica: 
 
 Time past- 
 
 To Be, or 
 
 On Names 
 Want of M 
 Look Ahea 
 What is Tj 
 Feminine I 
 
COISTTISNTI'Q. 
 
 On Luck 
 
 On Truth Speaking 
 
 Rich in Knowledge : Poor in Wisdom [ 
 Dust to Dust ..... 
 Midsummer, like Love : too Warm ' 
 This Bustling World ... 
 Modem Youths 
 
 • • ••• 
 
 A Short Sermon preached to a Short People 
 
 ■Rolling Onward 
 
 *•• ••• .. 
 
 On Anger 
 
 Man Bom to Trouble 
 Egotistical Importance 
 Time past— Love—Goodness 
 To Be, or Not to Be ... 
 
 "* ••• 
 
 On Names 
 
 Want of Money, the worst qf Wmta 
 
 Look Ahead ... 
 
 ••• •>• 
 
 What is True 
 Feminine Beauty 
 
 PAOB 
 . 9 
 
 . 10 
 . 16 
 . 19 
 22 
 25 
 27 
 31 
 34 
 36 
 40 
 43 
 47 
 50 
 
 53 
 
 56 
 
 60 
 64 
 69 
 
 
r^ 
 
 VI 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Treasures from Books ... „, 
 
 Fore warnings — Ghosta 
 
 Night : its influence on the Passions 
 
 On making an Effort .. 
 
 The Value of Learning ... .,, 
 
 Time, Tide, and the Printing Press 
 Greenness of Mortal Flesh .,► 
 
 Future Events .„ ... 
 
 A brief Discourse ... ..." 
 
 On Shadows .. ... ,, 
 
 Restless Mortals 
 
 How to pass the Holidays 
 
 On Snuffing ... 
 
 The Bliss of Childhood ... 
 
 On Starving Love to Feed Pride ... 
 
 Informations and Favours gained from 
 
 Lowest ... 
 Seven Years .. 
 Life's Narrow Bounds ... 
 False Courage 
 On Madness ... 
 Plain Preaching ... ,, 
 
 The Thread of Nature 
 
 Nothing Itijpossible 
 Good Deeds Shine 
 
 PAOB 
 
 ... 72 
 ... 76 
 ... 80 
 ... 84 
 .. 87 
 ... 91 
 ... 94 
 ... 98 
 ... 103 
 ... 107 
 ... 112 
 ... 116 
 ... 122 
 ... 125 
 ... 130 
 the 
 
 ... 133 
 ... 136 
 ... 142 
 ... 145 
 ... 148 
 ... 152 
 ... 155 
 ... 157 
 ... 160 
 
 Lies, In 
 
 Life's Si 
 
 Beauty i 
 
 Eating, '. 
 
 On Attn 
 
 Ills in W 
 
 Take my 
 
 The Effe 
 
 The Mile 
 
 Philosop] 
 
 ^lan not 
 
 A Rougl 
 
 Sich is L 
 
 On Fear 
 
 * Drive oi 
 
 Man a SI 
 
 Clacking 
 
 Nobility i 
 
 Riding di 
 
 On Brevi 
 
 Be Jovial 
 
 Moonligh 
 
 Discourse 
 
 Early Rei 
 
 The Lasse 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 Lies, Innocent, and Wicked 
 
 Life's Sunny Spots 
 
 Beauty of Gentle Words and Loving Hearts 
 
 Eatinfc', Drinking, and Thinking ... 
 
 On Attraction • 
 
 •"* ••• •• 
 
 Ills in Man's Estate 
 
 • • • 9 , 
 
 Take my Advice 
 
 The Eflfects of Prosperity 
 
 The Mild Day of Autumn 
 
 Philosophical Questions 
 
 Man not made to Mourn 
 
 A Rough World : a Sad Life 
 
 Sich is Lifo ... 
 
 O^Fear ... " 
 
 'Drive on!' ... 
 
 • • • • • I 
 
 Man a Shadow— Life a Dream ... 
 
 Clacking Women 
 
 Nobility of Blood 
 
 Biding different Steeds ... 
 
 On Brevity 
 
 Be Jovial 
 
 ••• 
 
 Moonlight, Love and Music 
 
 Discourse to the Wind-whistle Islanders 
 
 Early Retiring and Rising 
 
 The Lasses ,^ 
 
 PAGE 
 . 162 
 
 . 166 
 
 169 
 
 . 173 
 
 . 176 
 
 . 180 
 
 . 183 
 
 . 188 
 
 . 192 
 
 . 195 
 
 . 199 
 
 203 
 
 206 
 
 210 
 
 214 
 
 217 
 
 220 
 
 223 
 
 226 
 
 229 
 
 233 
 
 237 
 
 240 
 
 244 
 
 249 
 
 , 
 
 i ■ 
 
 ■ 
 
 
 IfJ 
 
 
Vlll 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 On Noting Time 
 
 Blind Foolishness 
 
 On Love and Flowers . . . 
 
 On the practised Arts of Love 
 
 On Dancing ... 
 
 On Union 
 
 On the Language of Flowers 
 
 Woman— Her Power ... 
 
 On Patience ... 
 
 Independence " ... 
 
 A Fleeting World 
 
 On Scandal ... 
 
 Nobility of Birth 
 
 Little Men with little Souls 
 
 Destiny 
 
 Self-Love 
 
 ••• 
 ••• 
 
 PAGE 
 
 . 253 
 . 256 
 . 259 
 . 263 
 . 268 
 . 272 
 . 277 
 .281 
 . 286 
 . 291 
 . 295 
 . 300 
 . 304 
 
 . 308 
 312 
 315 
 
 J 
 
 !'• 
 
 (^ 
 
 DO' 
 
 Text. 
 
 MtHea 
 some of 1 
 some see 
 others, n 
 — knocki 
 here a st 
 of the ki 
 one of us 
 in gettin 
 world. ( 
 accident, 
 npon the 
 have we 
 the woml 
 late one \ 
 lot of liv 
 upon thii 
 My fri< 
 you are \ 
 
( 
 
 J 
 
 !^ 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 ON LUCK. 
 
 Text.— There is no luck at a' ' r me. 
 However much I strive ; 
 Upon my soul, I think 1 \xci 
 Th' unluckiest man alive. 
 
 Mt Hearers : we are all children of chance : 
 some of us are kindly favored by fortune) 
 some seem to be the victims of fate ; and 
 others, neither the one thing nor the other 
 — knocked about fi'om pillar to post; with 
 here a streak of fat luck, and there a streak 
 of the leanest kind. But, brethren, every 
 one of us is lucky in one respect: that is, 
 in getting into this living and breathing 
 world. Our being bom is but the result of 
 accident, after all, philosophize as you may 
 upon the subject. What a glorious escape 
 have we made from remaining for ever lu 
 the womb of nonentiiy! Let us congratu- 
 late one another, then, that we have the 
 lot jf living, moving, and having a being 
 upon this terraqueous globe. 
 . My friends : many of^u imagine that 
 you are bom to ill-luck, and seem to strive 
 
 9 
 
 1 •■ 
 I'. 
 
 i'.! 
 
 ■■■'3 
 
 w 
 
 ■S'afU* 
 
 Pi 
 
10 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 your prettiest to foster your ridiculous 
 fancies. You will have it that others reap 
 richer harvests from the fields of chance 
 than yourselves ; that when it rains bean 
 porridge, your dishes are always bottom 
 upwards — when it snows Genesee flour, the 
 wind blows it to your neighbor's door — and 
 when it hails hulled corn, you have no. 
 milk to eat it with. You find a pistareen 
 in the street : ' Just my luck !' you exclaim, 
 as you pocket the disappointment — * if any- 
 body else had found it, it would have been 
 a dollar, sure.' If you feel for a knife in 
 the dark, among a peck of knives and 
 forks, you are certain to get hold of a fork. 
 Whatever you do, and wherever you go, 
 everything works against you, according to 
 your thinking ; but, in accordance with my 
 humble opinion, you work against thinga 
 more than things" labor against you. ^ You 
 labor under a mistaken idea if you think to 
 the contrary. The man who petitioned to 
 have the lamp-posts removed because they 
 interfered with him in his nocturnal per- 
 ambulations, considered himself a victim 
 of ill-luck. He might h^e been so; but 
 the poor lamp-posts had more reason to 
 complain of hird rubs than himself. 
 
 My brethren : I have to preach, for your 
 edification, and prvhaps amusement. I am 
 lucky when, by chance, I have a good ser- 
 mon, and get haji^ hatful of genuine cop- 
 pers in return: Wit, as I always expect 
 
 more or le 
 never disa 
 out pausi] 
 any other 
 or blest w 
 in my boc 
 easy ; for, 
 picks out 
 upon, nor 
 whom to 
 first is thi 
 pend upoi 
 upon luck 
 your confi 
 time can i 
 don't thro 
 but put y( 
 on ; or dr 
 else hold- 
 the other, 
 tunate. ] 
 the breatl 
 whistle to 
 on fire to 
 tears — th( 
 Septembe 
 to happen 
 that good 
 loafer wh( 
 pends upo 
 If you fin 
 ci'ee of lu< 
 sort plast( 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS, 
 
 11 
 
 more or less bad ones in the heap, I am 
 never disappointed. I bag the lot, with- 
 out pausing to questionize as to whether 
 any other preacher would have been cursed 
 or blest with the same luck, had he been 
 in my boots. So should you take matters 
 easy; for, recollect that Fortune never 
 picks out a particular individual to smile 
 upon, nor selects a certain portion upon 
 whom to cast her spiteful frowns. The 
 first is this, my friends : rather than de- 
 pend upon labor, you are too apt to rely 
 upon luck ; and, when the latter betrays 
 your confidence, you owe it a grudge that 
 time can never pay. To test your luck, 
 don't throw dice nor buy lottery tickets ; 
 but put your hand to the plough, and hold 
 on ; or drive the cattle, and let somebody 
 else hold — but be sure that you do one or 
 the other, and the end thereof shall be for- 
 tunate. Expect a bar of iron to melt with 
 the breath of a southern wind — a seaman's 
 whistle to calm the excited ocean — a town 
 on fire to be extinguished with a woman's 
 tears — the stars to be blown out with a 
 September gale. You may expect these 
 to happen, if you like; but don't suppose 
 that good luck will keep company with a 
 loafer who is too lazy to work, and so de- 
 pends upon theprecariouscrumbs of chance. 
 If you firmly believe in an unalterable de- 
 cree of luck, you will have more of the bad 
 Bort plastered to your remembrance, than 
 
 m 
 
 10 
 
 !0 
 
 
 
 
 t^* 
 
 U* 
 
J2 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 were ever feathers attached to a fresh coat 
 of tar. Mondays and Fridays will enter 
 into a conspiracy against you; all your 
 new moons will be seen over the leftshoul- 
 der; squirrels will run across the road be- 
 fore you from the right to the left; you 
 wdl spiU more salt at the table than Lj 
 other one; and the clouds will be certain 
 to take the opportunity to rain when thev 
 i?' r"^ without an umbrella. ^ 
 
 My hearers : a murrain on all your super- 
 stitious notions about luck: one mortal is 
 just as liable to mishap as another. Keen 
 
 burned; go not near the water, and therl 
 
 fnrT>,ff ^^'' of getting drowned; look not 
 lor the apparitions of ill-luck, and you will 
 
 like all other ghosts, possess more powe^ 
 to scare than harm. So mote it be ! 
 
 ON TRUTH SPEAKING, 
 
 TEXT.-Behold the manne ! he spake the truthe 
 Hee's greater than a kynge. ' 
 
 T5fpr?i«''^f ^' '' ^ ^^^ *^" y^« a truth : 
 vnn^T, ? "iu^ ^""^^^ ^^^ thousand of 
 
 th^hh^,^" f ? '^^"^^ ^""^^^^^ to tell 
 the honest, wholesome, salutary truth on 
 
 aU occasions. Your plucks are too soft, a^d 
 
 K 
 
 you 1 
 
 to do 
 
 harbc 
 
 coura 
 
 the 7 
 
 againi 
 
 — and 
 
 than £ 
 
 short ] 
 
 youki 
 
 the we 
 
 on the 
 
 the brj 
 
 thing' 
 
 truth, 
 
 by favo 
 
 and *n 
 
 or a bu 
 
 Myf] 
 
 gentle j 
 
 PULSES 
 
 cattle- 
 claim tl 
 the che( 
 if it is I 
 make ifi 
 ofablac 
 I, my b] 
 have be( 
 I was a 
 a neigh b 
 oftheth 
 glory in 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 13 
 
 harboreth the will, and posseZtw^ 
 
 you know, my friends dnp«^'f 7 ^^^^^^ss, 
 the weighi an^d bulk o^^^^^^^^^^ ?P^^ 
 
 on the depth of the mind tKren.l"^f 
 the bram, a disposition to do thp ?*^ 
 thing' at aU times, and to sneak fL u^^ 
 truth, undeterred by fea? Hf ?^ ^^^^^ 
 
 or aw, i« fr|L tht™a.^;^~ 
 6 W « being held ia«rb; k' SotVi" 
 
 la 
 
 i^tr* 
 
 St**" 
 
 iomI 
 
 
*( 
 
 34 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 by the seat of one's trousers, till Mr Prn 
 
 CANiNE-why, then, old Fix'em may hol^ 
 his hat to catch my compliments ^nf!. 
 lied, and he knew It : he^is a llr from the 
 hegmnmg; and I am not afraid to teH him 
 so to his lace. I slian't fight him thnno-l 
 for, when I fight, I fight 5o one but a /en ^ 
 tleman-and I'll see him clod-^oUed S" 
 Tins ancient ]^ficholas being an enemy of 
 pme I suppose I am bound" to loveTim 
 m a degree ; but that degree is ve?y sm.n' 
 I can assure you. I wish him will Lo^th 
 -better, no doubt, than he wishes me fte 
 
 whHe^I shal^l"^' ^'^^^.^^' ^^ ^' -hoosfs! 
 t^n/l? Lf J>ersevere m preaching the 
 truth, and perhaps a leetle more than the 
 
 wh^Tn?? l^^i;ers, wh^t is the truth, and 
 wnat isn t ? Why, it is true that most of 
 you fashionable, church-going felloT^ mnK, 
 
 S^frShr *^r^^' -d ex^^^^^^^^ 
 waraiy a righteous show, while fniA P^ 
 
 VMt difference between theoretiVal it^ 
 
 don't care a hooter, so lon^r aTfuF- ^^' 
 selfish ends are obtained What car.%^1,'^ 
 f;/<>^^orme,afterall?' They tve you'^ 
 and so doth a cat loye a mouse! ^ 
 
 It 
 
 wife 1 
 
 will' 
 
 is, thi 
 
 convij 
 
 loye t 
 
 I ney( 
 
 but I'] 
 
 that n 
 
 as the 
 
 It is 
 
 work, j 
 
 do, we 
 
 emploT 
 
 It is 
 
 and th( 
 
 less of 1 
 
 changei 
 
 Future 
 
 . It is 1 
 
 vice, yo 
 
 tnow it 
 
 ofwisdo 
 
 upon ea 
 
 Audi 
 
 can't ma 
 
 abusing 
 
 In sho 
 
 told, whi 
 
 suflacient 
 
 let loose. 
 
! 
 
 cow's PATENT SEEM0N8. 
 
 ''iU 'come, none of vmr" P^I'Sf^.she 
 fe, that i«sbands?7n'" ^^fV T^"^^^^^ 
 convince their tenZ.^ i ? ^^°^''' don't 
 love them so nmch „« 1, ^^^"'fi ""'* "'^y 
 I neverhad anv oxnm.; ^'>'^"y ^°- ^ow, 
 bntru risk m/hoDef'^^" " ""' '"''"«'• 
 that my ideas IntiZltiT' ^° "^ ''^t 
 
 -^"if'^e^t'StT/^"^^'''-' 
 do, we should be^e,wi '""^.''o nothing to 
 
 and the Future hinom T'-^of the Past 
 
 less of the fact th^>?hi^^'"?'<'°'' '•o<=k- 
 
 changes into the admit^^ p'T"^"^ ^^«««nt 
 FutnJintothe^t^S-^^^^^^^^ 
 
 W^t; a^^f?atX:uTarin'lr^°- 
 
 abusing her. ^^AJ>r oi a woman by 
 
 ,snfflcient for^" dl" the jif'j- 'n '''fV ""•* 
 let loose. So m^l t ^„ ? ^'"^^ that 1 
 
 h 
 
 pi 
 p 
 
 be! 
 
 have 
 
 
16 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 RICH IN KNOWLEDGE: POOR IN 
 WISDOM. 
 
 Text.— How many are in knowledge rich. 
 And yet in wisdom poor ! 
 
 My Hearers : we mortals love to delve in 
 the mines of knowledge, but how few of us 
 look for the priceless pearls of wisdom ! The 
 waves of time wash many a valuable gem 
 upon the moral shore, that remains as un- 
 heeded as the commonest pebble by its side. 
 If man sought for wisdom more and know- 
 ledge less, he would be a happier creature 
 than he is, and his prospects through life 
 would not so often bud roses and blossom 
 thistles— as some other philosopher than 
 himself has remarked. ^ 
 
 There are many unwise characters in this 
 world, my friends, that seem to delight in 
 purposely spoiling their own porridge of 
 peace and happiness. There is your envious 
 man. He makes himself miserable, and 
 has no appetite for the crumbs of comfort, 
 because others partake so heartily of life's 
 rational enjoyments. He goes out of his 
 way to walk among nettles, brambles and 
 thorns, because others pursue a smooth and 
 flowery path— torments himself, like a por-^ 
 cupine, with his own bristles, at the sight of 
 a fortunate neighbor — lives as unenviedas 
 he envies j and, when he dies, he is like a 
 
 mere figi 
 once, to 
 . The m 
 his mono 
 and lcav( 
 which imj 
 to bestov 
 spare for 
 a rather si 
 like it coi 
 a cambri( 
 either sid( 
 The jea] 
 \ sters to fri, 
 ; into his co 
 tie pond oi 
 ft up with 
 pion. Butt 
 phe unwisei 
 10 despite a 
 {8 a roostei 
 fnows that 
 tealer mua 
 Bmpt. T 
 reaterpeoj 
 Mt he can't 
 Ion of sensi 
 p he rises i 
 Nakes hii 
 f reality, j 
 f him upo] 
 ?uderer an 
 pon reputa 
 444 
 
OR IN 
 
 rich. 
 
 delve in 
 ew of U8 
 )m! The 
 ible gem 
 IS as un- 
 jT its side, 
 id know- 
 creature 
 )ugh life 
 blossom 
 her than 
 
 jrs in this 
 lelight in 
 rridge of 
 ir envious 
 ible, and 
 ■ comfort, 
 Y of life's 
 lut of his 
 ibles and 
 nooth and 
 like a por- 
 ae sight of 
 nenviedas 
 .e is like a 
 
 I^OW'S PATENT SERMONS. I7 
 
 spare (or others -llSf' " '"'^ "^""e ^ 
 a rather emallsonl i ""'n'T^^y- '>« ^"^ 
 like it couU go a wThf "'i*'? ""Uioa 
 a cambric ntedt Sfi,'?,J°"»K*''« «?« of 
 either side. "'°"' ™''W' Upon 
 
 steTs y JS^KTiSP ■•'JfSinary «on- 
 
 |n-B-?eh-eS-^,S^fi^^ 
 
 lie un Wisest; for hegive^Ceff; tiV^''* 
 despite a neighbor: He feer.sme^'V''^ 
 ts a rooster in a thundei shoXr f ' *^u^' 
 uows that even a ^1^ xi ,^^^' ^^^ ^e 
 
 hakes him. he will'fcel him elf Sh''^ 
 
 •aderer amii^s himself W^v^^" ^^ 
 'o-eputations thStl^&S'K 
 
 s 
 
 
 
 "'1 
 
 !0 
 
 :S3 
 
 
 
 ; 
 
18 DOW'S PATENT SEEMOSB. 
 
 own, at the <^^P™=|- , ^^ than a locomo- 
 
 bood by Btoam and at H c a c^o ^^^^^^^^ 
 cl8 per "''?"^S-, J^i,„„ or ^fool : for 
 
 rorgl*aha}ttKwithaior^nto 
 
 indiscreet mortal iip ^j happiness 
 
 "'^""^^ClikefpingC^elf miserable, and 
 consists in Kcepiuo makes up a 
 
 everybody around '»V^;^i7 laints, and 
 choice »f "rt»ent of rfe?i ; I ^^^^ j^^ 
 
 never takes g«**"' ''?"i ° eonle he has use 
 thinks he hf P<^^:e K enlrumbles 
 for them all at °^^r^^ t„ ^„^We at- 
 for the "ant of sometmng > ^ existence. 
 
 '-^TS-eS"fei;;:;'::r:r"; 
 
 ^"*r '''^ShS pocket and power-;who 
 ■^ *^*' riin ' hut what is beautiful in nature, 
 Sarn&ds faultwittian^; the; 
 doings of Pi'ondence. bo mote it o« . ^ 
 
 Ti;xT.- I 
 
 My Eeak 
 
 woman, a 
 
 Imentionin 
 
 [man life sj 
 
 lyears; bu 
 
 ^ell if ho < 
 
 crab at t 
 
 luence of j 
 
 rou are no 
 
 irith your 
 
 Dime. Ver 
 
 Spring up 
 
 like a hop J 
 
 ike a jackc 
 
 Four days- 
 
 Your da; 
 
 ^lled to the 
 
 Ind anxieti 
 
 Iniverse pi 
 
 lloes in yo 
 
 Irith every 
 
 |f sickness 
 
 ppreciate 
 
vvlicro 
 como- 
 
 false- 
 > "buah- 
 icr and 
 ol : for 
 
 centB, 
 
 poked 
 :k into 
 
 nnatcly 
 ) hypo- 
 ppinesB 
 ble, and 
 ;s up a. 
 nts, and 
 vhen he 
 I has use 
 irvimblcB 
 ible at— 
 xistence, 
 th closes 
 
 true wis- 
 /■y load oi 
 contri- 
 creatmes | 
 wer — who 
 in nature, 
 luy of the 
 itbel 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 10 
 
 DUST TO DUST. 
 
 Ti;XT.- Few arc lliy days, and full of wo 
 
 man, of wdmaii Iiorti ! ' 
 
 'J'liy (looTfi is written, 'Dnst tliou art 
 
 ^\u\ slialt to (lust return.' 
 Bi'liojrl the c.TnljIcrn of tliy stafo, 
 
 In llowers that blooni and die' 
 Or in tlie .shadow's Ueetin^' form' 
 
 That mock the gazer's eye. ' 
 
 My Hearers : the days of mnn, born of a 
 woman, are few indeed— scarcely wortli 
 mentioning. There was a time when hu- 
 pan life stretched itself out to a thousand 
 hrears ; but, now, one thinks he does pretty 
 Iwell it he can crawl up near enough to get 
 ■•i crab at threescore and ten. In conse- 
 luence of your sins and iniquities, brethren 
 rou are not allowed to tarnish the earth 
 ^ith yonr vUe tread but for a very short 
 time. Verily, as it hath been written, You 
 ^pring up like peppergrass, jump about 
 like a hoppergrass, and lie down and die 
 like a jackass. There is a number put upon 
 W days—and that number is almost O 
 I rour days, brethren, are full of wo'— 
 med to the brim with griefs, caves, sorrows, 
 Ind anxieties. The All- wise Ruler of the 
 Iniverse plants thorns in your paths-puts 
 loes myour cups of pleaBure^-^mixes pain 
 irith every joy, and bestows the blessings 
 It sickness upon you in order that you may 
 Ippreciate the still greater blessings of 
 
 
 
 w^^* 
 
 
 H'5''' 
 
*^ 
 
 20 B0^^ 3 patent sermons. 
 
 l.oalth You prol^ably think it hard that 
 
 The boBt Ab my friend Pope says-' What- 
 Ivor is is ri-ht ? so content yourselves with 
 Tour m series, and make up your mnids 
 IZ you ai" ; ^n-eat deal happier than you 
 
 ^^KLt^r.: do you know what 
 vou are made of? Dust, nothing but dust ! 
 Ce tcnrments in which your souls reside 
 are mcTe m^d-built shanties, constructed 
 nf tl^soil tVat yields you your food, Death 
 «o^ demolishes them-they commmglo 
 wHh the dust from which they wcrejiade 
 W the spirit takes win^s unto the God 
 ?hat save it. But, brethren, by proper 
 care and self-attention, you may hold out 
 care ana Hci neglect your- 
 
 la^ef ptvfaS wu/neglect youf and 
 S«tLn always stands ready to accommodate 
 alUealnst whom the gates of heaven aie 
 cosfd Brethren, in order o pvolong life, 
 Sl^w me to tellyou how to hv; .^unn^th. 
 Rirklv season. Be temp '■ -ating 
 
 don't gorge; undereat.and you enjoy m 
 framunitlfrom all ™mmer epidemics A 
 the same time, you should be caretul wbat 
 vou eaThowever Uttle it may be. Let all 
 Lude fruit and vegetables alone-abstain 
 f^om fresh fish aiid fresh meat-stick to a 
 
 salt diet- 
 
 — take oc 
 
 — Jceop y* 
 
 and be re 
 
 'My hot 
 
 die at his 
 
 the einbU 
 
 that bud, 
 
 speak silt 
 
 tion, tha 
 
 wither, 1< 
 
 under tin 
 
 made by 
 
 destroyed 
 
 scarcely 1 
 
 returns tc 
 
 that enjo, 
 
 ever : a b 
 
 bursts air 
 
 of ice in t 
 
 not last 1( 
 
 tuin how 
 
 I li'iends, li 
 
 I tainties ii 
 
 j of it whih 
 
 be r^ood-h 
 
 table, and 
 
 I at present 
 
 it be I 
 
 III 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 21 
 
 til at 
 ugh n 
 3racllo 
 j that 
 11 for 
 What- 
 ;8 with 
 minds 
 m you 
 
 J what 
 : dust 1 
 
 reside 
 tructcd 
 
 Death 
 I mingle 
 5 made, 
 ho God 
 
 proper 
 old out 
 it your- 
 ou; and 
 amodate 
 iven are 
 long life, 
 tring th J 
 eating- 
 snjoy an 
 nics. At 
 ful what 
 Let all 
 — abstain 
 tick to a 
 
 salt diet- -malfc free with cay(;nne pepper 
 —take occasionally a little good (?)brandy 
 — )ce<'p yo'Tf minds as easy as a feather-bed, 
 and be regular in attendance at my church, 
 ]V1/ hearers: live as you will, you must 
 die at hist; and that is to-morrow. Behold 
 the emblems of your state ! The Howers 
 that bud, bloom and die in a few days, 
 speak silently, and yet with a loud admoni- 
 tion, that you must soon droop, decay, 
 wither, kick the bucket, and be tucked 
 under the sod. What is life ? A shadow 
 made by the sunlight, and in a moment 
 destroyed by a cloud ; a mushroom, that 
 scarcely lifts its head upon daylight ere it 
 returns to darkness and death : a butterfly, 
 that enjoys a brief summer, and is gone for 
 ever : a bubble upon the wave of time, that 
 bursts almost as soon as formed : a lump 
 of ice in an August sun : a kiss, that does 
 not last long enough for a fellow to ascer- 
 tain how good it IS. In short, my dear 
 friends, life is one of the greatest uncer- 
 tainties in the world ; but make the best 
 
 I of it while it is yours — live temperately— 
 be ^ood-humored, cheerful, kind and chari- 
 table, and you will get as much of it as ia 
 
 I at present allotted to mankind. So moto 
 
 it be! 
 
 \ tmit* 
 
 
 '^ 
 
 : 
 
 
 1 
 
 
 
 
 
 'i, ^/'J-^ ^^1 
 
 i 
 
 • 
 
 
 
 .1'-* :■■ 
 
 
 1 • 
 
 ;H 
 
 
 1 
 
 1 
 
22 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 MIDSUMMEE, LIKE LOYE: TOO 
 WARM. 
 
 Text. — Eacli season possesses some beauty and 
 charm, 
 But the charm of midsummer, like love, is 
 too warm. 
 
 ;My Hearers : in my last discourse I spoke 
 of change as being the order of things, and 
 necessary to the comfort, health and hap- 
 piness of us sublunary mortals. Now mark 
 how the seasons change, and say, if you 
 can, that you are not satisfied therewith ! 
 Is it not all for the best ? All spring, all 
 summer, all autumn, or all winter, would 
 be scarcely endurable. Each is good in 
 its turn ; for, as the Bard of Avon once 
 said, Variety is the spice of life that gives 
 it all its flavor — and an all-wise Providence 
 seems to have so catered as to suit the 
 tastes of even the most fastidious. The 
 mild, mellow days of golden autumn are 
 glorious to behold — there is music in the 
 wild winds of winter ; and, while Nature is 
 taking a comfortable nap beneath her 
 snowy counterpane, we are having all sorts 
 of fun, and making night merry with the 
 tallest specimen of social enjoyment — in 
 spring we icel rejuvenated, buoyant and 
 hopeful; feel as though we were about to 
 take a fresh start, with the grass, skunk- 
 cabbages, and vegetation in general— and 
 
 now, m 
 
 ties of N 
 
 glory an 
 
 be green 
 
 lovolier- 
 
 — the su: 
 
 I puff, pj 
 
 never be 
 
 My fri: 
 
 liandkerc 
 
 sweat all 
 
 and, if yc 
 
 or Coney 
 
 hear me a 
 
 choice. A 
 
 of Ohabei 
 
 lodge in so 
 
 less conti] 
 
 piring ho( 
 
 der to brie 
 
 with Sol's 
 
 think of y 
 
 pathetic t€ 
 
 aud it siss( 
 
 whew I — t] 
 
 of me. I : 
 
 of my owr 
 
 altogether 
 
 grace has ] 
 
 But we mi 
 
 as we possi 
 
 politics, re] 
 
 wait till th 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 23 
 
 now, in summer, we are enjoying the beau- 
 ties of Nature, m the meridian of aU her 
 glory and splendor, The grass will never 
 be greener-the foliage thicker-the flowers 
 loveher-the river bluer-the lake calmer 
 -the sun brighter-^the dells darker-and 
 I puff pant and pray that the weather may 
 never be hotter ! -' 
 
 ^y friends: [Phew! let me exercise my 
 handkei-chief a little]-it's hot enough to 
 sweat all the sin out of Sabbath- breaking 
 and^ if you had rather lay off at Hoboken* 
 or Coney Island, than sit in this oven and 
 hear me agonize, I won't blame you for your 
 choice As It 18 writtenintheSecondEpistle 
 of Ohabert to the Salamanders. Oh ' for a 
 lodgemsome vast wilderness-some bound- 
 less continent of shade! How do you^s- 
 pmng hod-carriers stand it, upon the lad 
 
 w5th\'r'1-'^^'"°^^^l^^^^^^^^^^ 
 
 with ho\ s fiery arrows for hours ! When I 
 think of your situations, a scalding, sym! 
 pathetic tear drops inwardly upon mv h/art 
 and It sisses like a tailor's goosT Phew^-^ 
 whew !~the caloric drives all the gospel out 
 of me. I feel as if I was frying iS the fat 
 of my own faith My moi^l Icult es a!e 
 altogether unsoldered, and all my sol d 
 grace has resolved itself into liquidVavy 
 But we must try, brethren, to keep aTcool 
 as we p,,3 bly can. Don't get excit^ed upon 
 
 ^valt till the dog-days are over-and thea 
 
 to 
 
 1 
 
 
 1 21 
 
 « 
 3?^ 
 
 
24 
 
 DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 you may pump your passions into as higli 
 a state of effei*vescence as you like, with 
 comparative safety : as the weather is now, 
 there is some danger of bursting your 
 physical boilersbefore you know it. A great 
 deal depends upon the channel of your 
 thoughts. I beseech of you not to think 
 a moment of love, or hot whiskey 
 punches ; but let your thoughts rest upon 
 some shady paradise, iced lemonades, a 
 driving snow-storm, and the jingling of the 
 sleigh-bells. Contrive to meet an old ac- 
 quaintance in the street, and let him give 
 you the cold shoulder as he passes — that will 
 be as refreshing as a shower to the wither- 
 ing plant. Frosted friendship is a great 
 thingwhenthethermometerthreatensdeath 
 and destruction to every living excitable 
 object. Now is a good time to give you 
 some understandable idea of the lake that 
 burnetii with fire and brimstone ; but I am 
 not such a cruel monster as to do it, at 
 present. Your sufferings, I perceive, are 
 sufficiently severe, without their being aug- 
 mented by the description of any hotter 
 climate than this. 
 
 My hearers : your noses look like so 
 many red pepper-pods by a garden fence ; 
 how is mine P I am glad to know, however, 
 that your hearts are cold enough to prevent 
 your meiting into Canclle grease 5 anvitiiaw, 
 although you perspire like roasting pigs, 
 you won't sweat out so much sin but there 
 
 will be 
 
 decent 
 
 soon p 
 
 stoppci 
 
 with m 
 
 giveyo 
 
 take a I 
 
 clothinj 
 
 cipally 
 
 ry your 
 
 niosquil 
 
 help; an 
 
 So mote 
 
 t: 
 
 Text.— T] 
 h 
 
 My frieni 
 For ever 
 
 Life's everi 
 Upon tlr 
 
DOW'S PATEOT SERMONS. 25 
 
 Will be enough left to enable you to eet a 
 decent hvmgin the world. AVlZm^ 
 soon preach in a barrel with the bnn„ K,t 
 
 w^jr^' t1 ''^!-'^' ^ «" dismiss you Zt:; 
 Sveyo^is Te^- ^"tl-^ -advice 1 hlrto 
 give you IS: Keep quiet— try to be cool-. 
 take .a bath nigl,t und morniL-vvear T^ 
 cIothing-Bleep on straw bed(.-eat^r,rin 
 c.pally vegetable food-do noS^in" to wor" 
 ry your consciences-don't let poBticsZ,! 
 mosquitoes trouble you more thC you can 
 
 :3 
 
 
 iC9 
 
 THIS BtrSTLIWG WORLD. 
 
 My stars I whatahusfle t 
 Good Lord! uhat u tus.sJe f 
 How they hurry and hussJe 
 
 ^I'eanotlierabout! 
 I here's no pause for the wickpr? 
 No rest for the sick head^ ' 
 il-ither go or be kick-ed, 
 
 Is the law given out. 
 
26 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 The beasts and tlie birds, from the mormug so early 
 
 Until uncle Day-god has set, 
 Are hither and thither, and all busy-burly— 
 Because they've a living to get ; 
 
 And so they must snatch it up, 
 Or root it, or scratch it up, 
 Or plan it, or hatch it up, 
 
 The best way they can ; 
 From Catskill to Tabor, 
 God's made them to labor 
 As well as their neighbor- 
 That animal— man. 
 
 That animal, man, is the laziest creature 
 
 That Heaven, or Nature, e'er made ; 
 The rogue he exhibits in every feature. 
 And lying, 'twould seem, is his trade. 
 Kow, -when the Creator 
 Had ' done' th' alligator, 
 (Says the second relator,) 
 
 He pronounced the thing good j 
 * Did he say thus of man, sir T 
 You ask me— I'll answer, 
 As well as I can, sir : 
 
 He would IP He could I 
 
 Than live by the toil of his hands he'd much rather 
 
 H \lf live by his wits all alone ; 
 He'd swindle his brother, and rob his own father, 
 Were he sure it would never be known. 
 To this precious sonny 
 What's sweeter than honey ! 
 Why, money-0, money ! 
 That * root of all evd^! 
 But rather than work for 't. 
 The rascal would lurk lor 't, 
 Or scrape, low and smirk for 't— 
 Or go to the devil. 
 
 ] 
 
 Yes, gold ] 
 How ma 
 
 They look 
 Aud hop 
 
 Now, frienr 
 
 Do SOMK' 
 
 Though sho 
 
 'Tis bettc 
 
 ] 
 
 ]\! 
 
 Text. 
 
 -Now 
 The 
 
 My Heas 
 asked of m 
 cn,maliog{ 
 Biuith. T] 
 
DOWS PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 27 
 
 Yes, gold IS the stuff for which mortals all scrabble 
 How many, tboiigh, don't budge an inch ! ' 
 
 They look for success on the chance of a rabble 
 And hope for good luck— on a piuch. ' 
 
 Then, so lack-a-daisy— 
 I might say half craz}^— 
 All misty and mazy, 
 
 They lie off at^easG ; 
 And no trouble borrow, 
 Quite sure that to-morrow 
 Will bring them no sorrow. 
 But something to please. 
 
 Now, friends, I'd advise you to stir and keep doin*' — 
 
 Do SOMETHING, ye great and ye small ; 
 Though should it amount to but "kissing and wooiD'^ 
 'Tis better than nothing at all : 
 
 Keep on, and keep trying — 
 Some truth and some lying, 
 Will keep you from dying, ' 
 
 As you all may see ; 
 But should the old Harry 
 Advise you to marry, 
 Consider and tarry. 
 And so rr>ote it be. 
 
 o> 
 
 MODERN YOUTHS. 
 
 Text.-Now, Mr. Shakspere, ^eil me if, you can, 
 
 ihe ditlereiice between a youth and a vounff 
 man ? *' ^ 
 
 1 \'^^--^^^'^; i-iiiS qacsLion was once 
 asked of my friend Shakspere by a drunk- 
 on, mahogany.faced, carbuncle-nosed black- 
 Buiith. Tbe reply was, tliat there existed 
 
28 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 the same difference as between a scalded 
 and a coddled apple. We see, then, that, in 
 the time of the great hard, a youth was no- 
 thing more nor less than an incipient man. 
 Though physically juvenile, he was self- 
 opiuionally endowed with all the ripened 
 attributes of manhood. He scorned to be 
 called a boy, though he proved himself a 
 child by pouting when adressed as ' my lad.' 
 Because his mother's apron-strings were 
 thenasnow, composed of gum-elastic, which 
 stretched so as to allow him to roam some- 
 what at random, he foolishly imagined that 
 he had clipped them asunder with the scis- 
 sars of independence, and was at liberty to 
 enjoy all the rights and privileges of the 
 adult. Yet boys will be boys, in spite of 
 their strongest endeavours to appear as 
 men. 
 
 My friends : in these degenerate days of 
 ours, we have no youth among the mascu- 
 line gender. They are either babes or men. 
 No sooner has a lad arrived at the age of 
 sixteen than he begins to curse, swear and 
 swagger, like a graduate in the school of 
 profViuity and pompousness — chew tobac- 
 co as a horse eats hay — smoke cigars, as if 
 reputation were based upon the commit- 
 ment or non-commitment of the act — drink 
 rum, as though his character might suffer 
 disparagement if he didn't indulge accord- 
 ing to the habits and customs of his elders 
 — try to cultivate whiskers, for the sake 
 
 ofexcit 
 
 low pla 
 
 when h 
 
 starting 
 
 longer i 
 
 sense oj 
 
 have th 
 
 ' no ger 
 
 take to 
 
 draws li 
 
 much as 
 
 you take 
 
 modem 
 
 without 
 
 All they 
 
 heatheni 
 
 lar, high 
 
 book. If 1 
 
 sj^lendor, 
 
 worse up 
 
 ofprecoc 
 
 iny mind 
 
 lichens ei 
 
 then as ft 
 
 temple ol 
 
 from the j 
 
 daubed \\ 
 
 enough t< 
 
 . As to youi 
 
 distilled d 
 
 sake of be 
 
 that a son 
 
 or venture 
 
bow's patent sermons. 29 
 
 of exciting the envy and jealousy of his M 
 low playmates How proud is tLlTjt 
 when he first discovers a few T^inft.^,H 1 * 
 starting from his callow cwl.^ H^t "^'^ 
 ongerachild then, but a man, n ever? 
 sense of the word. Should his m^thei^ever 
 have the temerity to scold him, he calls her 
 no gentleman;' and if the fathei under^ 
 take to chastise him, he complacently 
 draws his fingers across his uppc? fp, af 
 much as to say, ' If you lay hold of me 
 you take the lion by the bea/d.' Oh ' th^se 
 modern youth !-they are bright enough 
 wi hout an extra rubbing : letlhem a?one 
 AH they want to become perfect men are* 
 heathenish whiskers, a standing shfrlcol' 
 lar, high-heeled boots, and a big pocket 
 
 book.Iftheydon'tshinetheninfullmSian 
 splendor, they never will. But whLt looks 
 worse upon the cheeks of a boy than a pair 
 of precocious whiskers? They reserb?e^to 
 my mmd's eye, a paucity of hiSsciiv^ 
 
 ■ distilleddamnat on to-'^onnr^-nni-. n "\^ 
 
 1- sake of being thought Cn 1 wouirr^ther 
 that a .on of minelhould saw hi" le™ off 
 orventureupoaa speculation in VVuil iL-eft 
 
 kri 
 
I 
 
 n 
 
 30 DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 than be euilty of sucli a mind-debasing and 
 bo^ des^troyfng practice. Then to hear a 
 lad before he is old enough to wrestle with 
 a fiU-Ln-own grasshopper, boldly take the 
 nameofGodIn vain, and set at dehance, 
 the hosts of heaven and the mmipns of hel , 
 is indeed most awful! I don't mmd a boy s 
 swearing a little, just a little, according to 
 Xat he is allowed by those who are older, 
 and have a right to swear as tbey choose. 
 For instance, he may make use olsuch ex- 
 pressions as' 'By Golly r 'B^Goshl' or 
 *By the great never-living jumping Mosesl 
 These wUl all do pretty well ; they come 
 near to the mark, but don't touch. They 
 trespass not in the least upon the profane 
 privileges of grown people. But here in 
 Sotham-this city of swearing, gambling, 
 swaffgering, hyprocrisy, foolishness, top- 
 plil^affecStion, and all sorts of sm-I see 
 So difference between boys, young men, 
 and men of mature years. Put tbem all 
 to-ether in a bag of colossal dimensions, 
 give them a good shaking-up, and empty 
 Sem out in a heap, and it would puzz e 
 Old Nicholas himself to tell which is the 
 man and which the boy. p . . .i. 
 
 This is a great country, my friends;— it 
 grows with its growth, andthe undeigrowth 
 Iroweth with marvellous rapidity. Heaven 
 only knows what we shall arrive at m the 
 end ; but I sincerely hope, aiid venture to 
 trust, that we shall all reacb heaven at last, 
 go mote it be ! 
 
 DC 
 
 A SIIORI 
 
 WiND-WH 
 
 dergrowth 
 ish, stunt( 
 primitive 1 
 trive to gn 
 and moral] 
 and imagii 
 as mine ; 1: 
 short ofm 
 in my stocL 
 religious id 
 do more tl 
 sprouts an 
 dear heathe 
 led ignorat 
 your best t 
 sent you se< 
 and I'm afi 
 and plug t< 
 from such 
 speak to yo 
 dreary, des( 
 land, you H 
 ' No you dc 
 But let m( 
 Away down 
 to warm hii 
 is a great C( 
 abounding : 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 31 
 
 A SHORT SEHMON PREACHED TO 
 A SHORT PEOPLE. 
 
 Wind-whistle Islanders ! you vile un- 
 dergrowth of the human forest; you dwarf- 
 ish, stunted, frost- frightened samples of 
 primitive humanity ! why do you not con- 
 trive to grow taller, physically, mentally 
 and morally ? You hold your heads high, 
 and imagine that they are as near heaven 
 as mine ; but it is no such thing — you fall 
 short of me by a foot and a half, standing 
 in my stockings and wig oflF; and as for your 
 religious ideas, they were never known to 
 do more than to put forth a few sickly 
 sprouts and die. This is all owing, my 
 dear heathen, to your abominable, self-wil- 
 led ignorance, which I suppose you will do 
 your best to maintain for ever. At pre- 
 sent you seem determined to know nothing, 
 and I'm afraid I haven't suflBcient power 
 and plug tobacco about me to sway you 
 from such a sinful determination. If I 
 speak to you of better lands than your own 
 dreary, desolate, rocky, storm-tattered is- 
 land, you Hoo-Hoo at me, as much as to say 
 * No you don't, we are not made of grass !' 
 But let me tell you of a wonderful truth. 
 Away down in the south, where the sun goes 
 to warm himself in winter, (who said Hoo ?) 
 is a great country called California ; a land 
 abounding in gold, rum and plug tobacco. 
 
 J^ 
 
 0« 
 
 i» 
 
 
 ''4 
 i 
 
 >h 
 
 .1 
 
82 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEliMONS. 
 
 i 
 
 The rocks, as bi^ as yonvs, arc all solid j^old 
 ■ — so solid that, as yet,, th«'y novor have been 
 broken to aff(.)rd sordid .'tiiibition a piece as 
 l)i<^ as your little toe-nail ; but they will be 
 soon, and perhaps more immediately. The 
 trees, whose waving tops tickle the cheeks 
 of the moon, and keep the stars for ever wink- 
 ing, are perpetually foliaged with leave? 
 of silver, and ever hang with golden applcf-;. 
 averaging in size from a small fist to a big 
 baby's head. But, mind, you Wind-whist- 
 lers , all these temptations exist only at the 
 tops of the trees, and in the heated imagina- 
 tions of enthusiasts — wholly beyond the 
 reach of mortal man. Down in the valleys, 
 though there is more gold, mixed with 
 tobacco, than would bury your wliole island 
 to the depth of half a mile, and sink your 
 Bouls even deeper in the mire of depravity 
 than they are now. There they have ma- 
 chines, propelled by everlasting perpetual 
 power, to separate the pure from the im- 
 pure—the clean from the unclean— the 
 chaff from the wheat— the righteous from 
 the unrighteous. Bushels of unseemly rub- 
 bish are poured into the top of the machine, 
 while from the bottom eternally gush two 
 vast, magnificent, heavenly streams: theone 
 of pure, unmarried, virgin gold— the other 
 of beautiful, blue-black, sweet-scented plug 
 tobacco. Then, O, Wind - whistlers ! just 
 imagine that this auriferous and narcotic 
 California is also a spiritual land of pro* 
 
 niise ! 
 fourth -pi 
 brown su 
 strous ba 
 speed on 
 fast trott( 
 feel assur 
 and tobac 
 as a chrisi 
 it was in t 
 fits.' Ho. 
 mously. 
 delight in 
 merry wii 
 send roum 
 and trinke 
 
 When tl 
 And Si 
 
 Man leai 
 Andh 
 
 Brethrer 
 
 your affect] 
 
 here in the 
 
 pull them I 
 
 something, 
 
 iiandfulofa( 
 
 are spots u 
 
 land tende 
 
 These you n 
 
 corn and be; 
 
 these spring 
 
 premonitory 
 
 the right trc 
 
 414 
 
pro* 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 33 
 
 niise! Yes there all the j-ivers run 
 ourth-proof Santa Gvuz rum over beds r^* 
 brown sugar, and every mudhole is a mon- 
 strous basin ot molasses. Novr mllyl 
 speed on the wmgs of the wind, or on your 
 fast trotters either, to this blessed land ? I 
 fee assured that you will; for if gold, rum 
 and tobacco won't entice a heathSi, a^ wel 
 as a christian then the world isnot now as 
 It was m the days of ' Moses and the pro! 
 hts.' Hoo-Hoo! you grunt most unant 
 mously. Well, stay where you are, then- 
 delight m your own destitution, and mak« 
 merry with your own misery. WhiirT 
 send round my hat to receive your shells 
 and trinkets, let us all sing, after a fashion; 
 When thirst for gold enslaves the mind 
 Ami selhsh views alone bear svvav ' 
 Man leaves his wife and babe behind 
 And hies to Ca-li-for-ni-a. ' 
 
 Brethren Wind-whistle-Islanders ! since 
 vour affections have taken such deep root 
 here m the cracks of the rocks that I can^t 
 pull them up without danger of burafcinc^ 
 something, permit me to^hrow a smai! 
 -.indful ofadvisatory salt amongyou. T W 
 
 f'^T*%T^^«"^' «old, hard-looking?s! 
 hand tenderly susceptible of cultivation 
 These you must cultivate. Plant potatoes 
 corn and beans-beans esnemally • and acJ 
 tiiese spring up and fiourish,'they ^m give 
 premonitory evidence of your bein- uDon 
 the nght track to civilization. Onfy knC 
 
 G 
 
 
 j 'Woi 
 
 
 m : 
 PI 
 
34 
 
 row's PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 if!!-: 
 
 beans, and you increase in wisdom, bodily 
 strength and gumption : they add much 
 to the oorporoiii weight, and cubits to the 
 stature of the mind. Beans work wonders. 
 Raise them, a-nd you will raise yourselves 
 in time to a level with the enlightened na- 
 tions of the earth ; but I can't promise you 
 any more real happiness than you now' 
 posscES. So mote it be ! 
 
 ROLLING ONWARD. 
 
 Text.— Rolling, rolling, keep the ball a-volling. 
 
 My Hearers : when I speak of rolling, 
 you needn't take particular pains to un- 
 derstand that I have reference to ten-pins 
 — though I have no objections to your in- 
 dulging in that species of healthful amuse- 
 ment as often as time and money will per- 
 mit. What I mean by rolling is, that you 
 should keep matters rolling onwards — push 
 ahead, and not allow them to rest and stao-- 
 nate. Persevere in all things — put your 
 hand to the plough and never look back; 
 tmd the time will come when you can rcll 
 in your carriage past the huts and dens of 
 Poverty, as unconcerned for a dollar as a 
 duok for an India-i'ubber overshoe. 
 
 My friends : see how the whole universe 
 is made to roll ! The sun, moon and stars 
 are all of a globular form, and they are 
 
 bound to 
 
 roll roiu] 
 
 Natnre— 
 
 rotunditj 
 
 fish, or c] 
 
 its make 1 
 
 body is n 
 
 and his b 
 
 round. 1 
 
 may roll e 
 
 some waj 
 
 can't bud^ 
 
 mortal i\t 
 
 constant e 
 
 spheres.* 
 
 enough to 
 
 sequence i 
 
 and the sp 
 
 webs in ev( 
 
 the ball a-: 
 
 politicians 
 
 excitement 
 
 didate for t 
 
 the ball a-i 
 
 get a chanc 
 
 the White 
 
 are hke bal 
 
 them the gi 
 
 tion.) But 
 
 we must all 
 
 tically, but 
 
 brethren, Tj 
 
 but a little 
 
DCW'S PATENT £EI MOKS. 05 
 
 fit" ' ■^«.pt4i:;n,^\T/>«'^' '^"■^ 
 
 itsm'ik«.p V/rTi ^' ^^^ '^ square n 
 irs m.iKur JNo, I know you don'f TVr.,, " 
 
 body IS round, his head fs lound hi.V \ ' 
 and his bones are round ^n^n^^^ll 
 round J e is so nianufi.cturod that hi 
 may roll along, tumble along" r^ct Tin ? 
 8ome wayor other; but a^squai^ £? 
 cnnt budge an inch. Now this h.l ^• 
 mor al flesh should be kept r lli^tii^* 
 constan exercise, as much as^ the • ?ollin^ 
 spheres.' But one half of vou r nn'f ^ 
 
 enough to keep from mould'h.g.''The coT 
 sequence is you present shabby exterfovJ' 
 a.id the spiders of melancaioly Ziyi Ztr 
 webs in every corner of the bra^. * jr 
 the ball a-rolling!' is the moUo for flf^ 
 politicians especially. ]f you n-Pf,,^ 
 excitement ill favor of inv In ,^ \ "^ ^'^ 
 
 ty-) bJ there is "^f "iMil^'^S""- 
 
 tically, but literai^ .peaktr Y« ' S""" 
 b''otlirea, Time rolls on amf if „ ' >?T' 
 
 butaUttlewMebe^%^:^lnib': 
 
 
 M"i 
 
S6 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 I ' \ 
 
 rolled into our graves. The grass will 
 gi-ow green above us— the flowers will bloom 
 at our lowly bedsides— the birds will sing 
 their matins and their vespers in the thick 
 Bummer foliage ; but we shall not behold 
 the beautiful flowers, nor hear the sweet 
 songs of the little merry birds. No, we 
 shall be there ' as snug as a bug in a rug,' 
 as blind as a bat, as deaf as a post, and as 
 stiff as a poker ; only we shan't— not we. 
 The soul's old clo's lie buried in the ground, 
 but the dispossessed possessor still lives, 
 clothed in the unfading and unwearouta- 
 ble garments of immortality. Meanwhile 
 Earth and her sister Seasons roll on as 
 usual. One generation passes away, and 
 another succeeds. The living wonder 
 where the dead are gone, and wait with 
 fear for the solving of the great mystery. 
 You will all find it out eventually; but, 
 while you * live and move and have a being,' 
 do your best to * keep the ball 
 So mote it be !' 
 
 a- moving. 
 
 'h; '■■ 
 
 ON ANGER. 
 
 Text.— Anger is like 
 
 A full hot liorse, who being allowed liis way. 
 Self mettle tires him. 
 
 My Hearers : Anger is one of the worsf , 
 meanest and most contemptible of passions 
 that ever occupied an apartment of the hu- 
 
 man sou" 
 
 long bef( 
 
 Kindnesi 
 
 mystery 
 
 moral foi 
 
 and why 
 
 brethren, 
 
 full of mi 
 
 tea, that 
 
 selves we 
 
 head of A 
 
 too gener 
 
 your mur 
 
 move a p 
 
 severely t 
 
 proprieto] 
 
 coming el 
 
 Myfrie] 
 
 duration, 
 
 in a teapo 
 
 rages, littl 
 
 what a tor 
 
 som! All( 
 
 sentiments 
 
 pitched on 
 
 to pieces— 
 
 the twinkl 
 
 of honor ii 
 
 fragments 
 
 heaven— tl 
 
 roots, whiL 
 
 blossoms o 
 
 chaff in a t 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 37 
 
 man soul. Why it hasn't been kicked out 
 long before now, by Love, Philanthropy! 
 Knidneas, Religion, Piety and Virtue, is a 
 mystery to me. They have always had the 
 moral force to do it— numerical as well-^ 
 and why have they not done it? I suspect, 
 brethren, it is because their natures are so 
 lull of milk, molasses, sweet oil and balm 
 tea, that they never could forgive them- 
 selves were they to hurt a hair upon the 
 head of Anger. They are too kind-hearted 
 too generous to do any such thing ; even as 
 your municipal authorities are slow to re- 
 move a pig-pen for fear of touching too 
 severely the tender susceptibilities of its 
 proprietor, and losing his vote at the next 
 coming election. 
 
 My friends: Anger is generally of short 
 duration, lasting about as long as a tempest 
 m a teapot, or fat in the fire; but while it 
 rages, httle breezes and mighty whirlwinds' 
 what a tornado it kicks up in a mortal's boi 
 soni! All our nobler feelings and generous 
 sentiments are blown hither and thither 
 pitched one against another, and smashed 
 to pieces-every lofty idea is demolished in 
 the twinkling of a snake's tail— the temple 
 ot honor IS razed to the ground, and its 
 Jragments scattered to the four winds of 
 Heaven— the tree of love is torn up by the 
 roots, while its leaves of friendship and its 
 b ossoms of affection fill the moral air like 
 cuatt m a September gale— and the mantle 
 
38 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 of religion is torn into more rags and tat- 
 ters than the most disunanimous blankei 
 you ever saw upon the back of a chimney- 
 sweep. Yes, brethren, Anger, generally 
 speaking, lasts but a little while; but only 
 in bosoms offools, according to old Solomon, 
 or Solomon of old, it finds a place to lodge 
 long. There it lies, day after day, gi-itting 
 its teeth and pining for revenge. If itdoesn't 
 get it, it dies of a slow consumption, and 
 nobody cares. 
 
 My hearers: let us see what Anger is like. 
 It is like, says our text, a red (full, I think, 
 is the word though) hot horse, who having 
 the liberty to go ahead at whatever stride 
 he pleases, soon gets short of wind, and 
 tired with the weight of his own mettle. 
 
 It is like a little narrow brook that rises 
 with a sudden shower, makes a great bluster 
 tind bubbling, and then falls back again 
 with almost as much haste as it jumped it. 
 Then the softer, more sensible, and more 
 respectable thoughts flow in — sorrow and 
 shame are seen floating upon the surface — 
 and placid love at last returns to her happy 
 home. 
 
 It is like— if you could suppose such a 
 thing — a blank dictionary. It wants works 
 at first ; but, when it gets them, it seems as 
 thtjugh the whole of Webster, and a good 
 slice of Walker, had been chewed up to be 
 spit out for the occasion. 
 
 It is like a bunch of burning brush- wood; 
 
 the mor 
 fiercer r 
 will all I 
 
 It is 1 
 fury for 
 a dead, ] 
 insipid e 
 night. 
 
 In sh< 
 pered W( 
 knocks i 
 broomst 
 panic a 
 threater 
 Don't to 
 her alon 
 will be 
 If you a: 
 pudd'n. 
 
 Myde 
 its way. 
 to kill it 
 Its very 
 When I 
 largest 1 
 anger be 
 put a str 
 post of r 
 yields to 
 as gentle 
 the futur 
 like Jem 
 Lever all 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 89 
 
 the more yon stir it up with a long pole, the 
 fiercer rage the flames. Let it alone, and it 
 will all soon end in smoke. 
 
 It is like a glass of seidlitz— all foam and 
 fury for a moment, and tiien settles down to 
 ji dead, flat cakxi — a calm as defunct and 
 insipid as a glass of beer that has stood over- 
 
 night 
 
 In short, friends, it is like a quick-tem- 
 pered woman when her dander is up. She 
 knocks things about at first cost— breaks 
 broomsticks— upsets the cradle— creates a 
 panic among the pots and kettles— and 
 threatens to annihilate annihilation itself. 
 Don't touch her — keep away from her — let 
 her alone, and in five minutes the storm 
 will be over, and she as good as pie again. 
 If you are not fond of pie, suppose I say 
 pudd'n. 
 
 My dear friends : always let Anger have 
 its way. When you arouse it, never attempt 
 to kill it, but leave it to die a natural death. 
 Its very life depends upon molestation. 
 When I speak of allowing the monster the 
 largest liberties, I have no reference to the 
 anger born in your own bosoms. On such 
 put a strong halter, and fasten tight to the 
 post of reason. Whip the animal till he 
 yields to the will of his master, and becomes 
 as gentle as a lamb ; and then look out, for 
 the future, that he doesn't wax fat and kick, 
 like Jerusha of olden times. As for me, I 
 i^ever allow myself to be pumped into a 
 
 « 
 
 » 
 
 
 p— 
 
 ■1 
 
 * 
 
 1 
 
 t 
 
 Hi 
 
 .. . .a 
 
 J 
 
I ^f 
 
 40 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 passion in a moment, nor to be anm-y while 
 any one else is exercising the prerogative ; 
 and I sincerely trust, my friends, th'at you 
 are each as ^ood-natured a fool as your 
 Immble preacher. So mote it be! 
 
 I J!' 
 
 IIAN BORN TO TROUBLE. 
 
 Text.— Man is born to trouble. 
 
 Mr friends! there's been trouble 
 
 All over the world, 
 Since out of the garden 
 
 Our parents were hurled : 
 Ilien Sin hatched a nestful 
 
 Of troubles, and they 
 Have hatched out a million 
 
 J o bite us to-day. 
 
 Wherever we wander, 
 
 We are sure, as we go, 
 To be scratched by the thistles 
 
 And briars of wo : 
 In the meadows are posies 
 
 That sweet pleasure bring you* 
 But keep out the grass, or ' 
 
 A serpent may sting you. 
 
 Tlie smiles of fond Fancy 
 
 Prove horrible grins, 
 And our cushions of comfort 
 
 Are stuck full of pins : 
 
 In the cup of gay pleasure 
 Ale aloes and gall. 
 
 Wormwood, andcoclcroaches-^ 
 i- can t tell what all. 
 
 1 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 4] 
 
 The weatlier's 'most always 
 
 Too hot or too cold ; ' 
 
 Our children are either 
 
 Too shy or too bold ; 
 Plums, peaches and cherries 
 
 Are pestered with stones;— 
 ISO fun eatinsshad, on 
 
 Account of the bones. 
 
 The favored of Fortune 
 
 Kroui want are secure- 
 Though rich as old Dives 
 
 In peace are as poor; ' 
 They've troubles to tease them. 
 
 riiey hnd no repose— 
 They've cares on their shoulders. 
 
 And corns on their toes. 
 
 At the loss of a penny 
 
 They grumble and groan- 
 As though the rheumatics 
 
 Were piercing each bone: 
 liie ghosts of bad shilling's 
 
 For ever they haunt, ° 
 And they shake, lest to-morrow 
 
 Should bring them to want ! 
 
 If we rise to distinction, 
 
 Or by wealth acquire fame, 
 Ihere are tliousands would rob us 
 
 Ofourrhino-ourname: 
 J he puppies of envy , 
 
 Pursue us and bark, 
 And gladly would give us 
 
 A nip - in the dark. 
 
 In yon hive there is honey. 
 But bees are there, too • 
 
 You're d-d but you'll have it; 
 You're damned if you do ; 
 
 
 I M«l 
 
 
 
 
 iL. 
 
 '. . :^ 
 
 . 1 
 
42 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 ' So, never ftct raslily— 
 ^ Be cool, calm and kind ; 
 For sin, bees and lioniets 
 Leave stings, each, beliiud. 
 
 Blest Anticipation! 
 
 How fair is tliy facet 
 Curst Participation! 
 
 Get ont of the place I 
 Here, Hope ! take that bundle 
 
 Of nettles away ! 
 You promised to brin ' mo 
 
 Bright roses to-day 1 
 
 Oh ! this is the world that 
 
 devolves on its axis 
 So sleekly, so sniooihly, 
 
 But has troubles and taxes ! 
 Where man, the proud mortal, 
 
 With Folly carouses. 
 Unheeding the tear of 
 
 His heart and his trousers ! 
 
 Yes, this is the world where 
 
 'i he high and the low 
 Have to sip froin the gourd-shell 
 
 Of sorrow and wo ; 
 Where the fleas are not partial 
 
 As to whom they shall bite— 
 Whether master or servant, 
 
 King, 'niggo;-,' or knight. 
 
 Yes, this is the i)lanet 
 
 Where rich man nor poor 
 Can keep peace in his dwelling. 
 
 And trouble out door; 
 Where ' sore toes and sickness* 
 
 Is the sad lot of all, 
 That trot, canter, or gallop. 
 
 Walk, scrabble, or crawl. 
 
 Text.—"] 
 ] 
 
 My He. 
 
 English 
 
 much im 
 
 It is a w 
 
 lent itse] 
 
 it occupi 
 
 a I'ough, 
 
 ficant J. 
 
 head, Ion 
 
 pendicuh 
 
 not to b( 
 
 must giv< 
 
 dence. ] 
 
 Allen say 
 
 — a chara 
 
 qucntlj, I 
 
 My fri( 
 
 and gloric 
 
 robin? '1 
 
DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 43 
 
 'I' 
 
 J liank heaven ! tliat some day 
 Iwill be burnt into ashes; 
 
 Or by some crazy comet 
 Knocked all into smashes ! 
 
 1 ILL THEN let's PLAY happy. 
 
 Make b'lieve it--yon see » 
 We can do nothing else, friends. 
 And, so mote it be I 
 
 rv 
 
 EGOTISTICAL IMPORTANCE. 
 
 TEXT.-Tvvas T slew Samson when the pillared hall 
 'fan " """^ ^^'^ "'^"^ ^'^^ ^1^0 
 
 My Hearers: there is no letter in the 
 English alphabet that lays claim to so 
 much importance as the T-the almif?htv I 
 It 18 a wonder to me how it could ever con-' 
 tent Itself with the middle position which 
 It occupies in the list-jammed in between 
 a rough, rowdyish H, and a mean, insigni- 
 ficantJ. That it has not gone up to the 
 head, long ere this, and planted itself per- 
 pendicularly over straddling A, is a mystery 
 not to be penetrated. Nevertheless, we 
 must give It credit for its spirit of indepon- 
 dence. It says of itself, as my friend Mr 
 Allen says of himself: 'I am myself alone '' 
 —a character of consequence, and, conse- 
 quently, regardless of consequence. 
 
 My friends : this^ big I is all-puissant, 
 and g ones in its might. Who killed cock 
 lobmr' 'Twas I! said the sparrow; and 
 
 WtH'S 
 
 53 
 
 :>«» 
 
 
 K ^ ** 
 
 Iff* 
 
u 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 with a triumphant wag of the tail, off he 
 flew. What a dust we (I) kick up ! ex- 
 claimed the fly in the coach; and home- 
 made flattery persuaded it that it, and it 
 alone, afforded the motive power by which 
 the world and the stacje-coaches are kept 
 in motion. Brother Monk Lewis makes 
 one of his creatures of fancy assert : 
 
 * I ffuide the pale moon's silver waqon 
 The winds in masic bonds I hokf; 
 
 I charm to sleep the ci-inison dragon, 
 Who loves to watch o'er buried gold.* 
 
 So you see, brethren, that I does any and 
 every thins? independent of auxiliaries ; 
 but, betwixt you and me and the bone-mill, 
 it is 'all in my eye' — nothing more than a 
 chemical property extracted from old shoes, 
 called GAS, with which not a few indivi- 
 duals are most mysteriously inflated. As I 
 have asked before. 
 
 Who killed cock robin ? 
 
 * 'Twas I,' said the sparrow, 
 
 * With my bow and arrow ; 
 'Twas I who killed cock robin.' 
 
 This matter admits of a doubt; but, so 
 long as the sparrow egotistically asserted, 
 'Twas I that did the deed, we must give it 
 the benefit of said doubt, and take it for 
 granted that it committed the fatal but 
 praiseworthy act— for the want of sufficient 
 evidence to the contrary. 
 
 Wl 
 
 'Tv 
 
 In all pi 
 
 is justly 
 
 the 'dre£ 
 
 a buUet- 
 
 because ] 
 
 the circu 
 
 shall hav 
 
 without a 
 
 ed to pla( 
 
 Satanic ^. 
 
 led to hoi 
 
 You sh 
 
 Glendowe 
 
 he says 
 
 *I can 
 
 for you c 
 
 come whe 
 
 faith, and 
 
 to start 01 
 
 mind, bret 
 
 and a stro 
 
 can't fetch 
 
 _ My friei 
 
 tioned in c 
 
 the pillare( 
 
 and made 
 
 was no oth 
 
 morose, m 
 
 driacal, bul 
 
 ii 
 
 «iLi 
 
offli« 
 
 ex- 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 46 
 
 Who killed T cumseh ? 
 
 * "I'vvas I,' said Col. Johnson, 
 
 * With my short gim— not a lonij cun • 
 'Twas I who killed Tecuinseh.' *"' * 
 
 In all probability, my friends, the Colonel 
 is justly entitled to the credit ofhavin<' let 
 the 'dread Indian's' soul leak out throu^-h 
 a bullet- hole ; but many won't believe tt 
 because his own tongue has so often told of 
 the circumstance. U, ye unbelievers! you 
 shall have your reward, some time or other 
 without ask ing for it. You shall be appoint- 
 ed to places, not very desirable, under his 
 Satanic Majesty's government, and compel- 
 led to hold them for ever. 
 
 You should not doubt, my brethren, even 
 Glendower, when, in the stage-actor's bible 
 he says ' 
 
 * I can call spirits from the vasty deep ;' 
 for you can do the same : ' but will they 
 come when you call ?' If you have sufficient 
 laith, and balloo loud enough, they are sure 
 to start out like a lot of fiying-fish—but 
 mind, brethren, that you have enough faith 
 and a strong pair of lungs; otherwise yoii 
 can't fetch 'em. ^ 
 
 My friends : who was the^ mighty I men- 
 tioned m our text, that slew 8amsom when 
 the pillared temple came down with a crash 
 and made pumice of a multitude ? Why it 
 was no other than the cold, distant, sullen 
 morose, melancholy, spleeny, hypochon* 
 driacal, but egotistical planet Saturn— ISa- 
 
 
 I It ^ 
 
4G 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 ' I 
 
 great Irftt^rr" i''"''"^! -Saturn, the 
 course round tht Sni;I ' ■, "^ ?*•>'« • % 
 
 the ethereal pW^'Vcrash I ; ^'''^ .!^"»ff 
 overload him wifh n?? , , ^P""«— ^ 
 
 with quinsies and Pr^"^~-^ '"PP^:^^ ^i"^ 
 anj extent and r n? ""^^ '^'^ *^^'«^ts to 
 
 ducepestilence-I give a b^L i' i"*^ P™" 
 the laud, and fami^ foSows as°lv"P°" 
 gaping is catchiao- In„ll,,l'*- ™™ "'^ 
 ears, and set them' to ^uarretr "f *'"^ 
 the originator of ill ..;„*• .S^- ^ "'" 
 the AstS-piaee The' ' ■ J"""'?^"? *-hat of 
 
 tVaVrriS'i'^n^^^fti^^^^^^^ 
 
 thenitoliedo.r2a^"^e'^-,,P--^^d 
 
 and ge 
 
 —yes, 
 
 Williai 
 
 Myl 
 
 stands 
 
 any cor 
 
 years £ 
 
 quantity 
 
 pot; an 
 
 principl 
 
 lions ha 
 
 vice, sui 
 
 mirth ai 
 
 TIME 
 Text.- 
 
 My IIea] 
 
 time is ti 
 
 precious s 
 
 important 
 
 and make 
 
 have said 
 
 stuff, and ' 
 
 eth true: i 
 
 eththathe^ 
 
 hath the le 
 
 is generallj 
 
s. 
 
 turn, the 
 at does I, 
 ays: My 
 ncireuui- 
 ce it easy, 
 ifford it. 
 a-stonish- 
 3s along 
 pirits— I 
 
 care — I 
 e slings 
 -I shake 
 ;he fever 
 svith the 
 ply liim 
 wats to 
 land all 
 V desir- 
 tid pro- 
 ^ upon 
 ure as 
 by the 
 
 I am 
 that of 
 istiga- 
 ■ of all 
 rones, 
 'Tis 
 'was I 
 ilifbr- 
 ;o dig 
 ladtd 
 
 men 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 47 
 
 and gentlemen. 'Twaa T H.nf d o 
 
 Bt,&;'Se in" tt'i,,/'!;? little I that 
 
 years ajjo, to assist in W^°^n ^""^ 
 quantity of chowdor fi"m s?o fn„ • "rP 
 pot; and afterwards tn,!^™ ^^ ,° '" tho 
 
 principle oi>reachtj^^"wt Xsom?''";' 
 lions have It n«f i^^ '^"^^toy some mil- 
 
 TIME PAST-LOYE-GOODNESS. 
 
 TEXT.-Time that's gone, none may restore it 
 I-ove all hearts niu«t bow before ft :* 
 Goodnm, we must .still ado e it ' 
 Wheucesoeer it come. 
 
 My IIearers : well may we con^irlp. ^u ^ 
 time IS the stuff that lilismT£nf ^1 
 precious stuff it is inn T^ r ^^-and 
 Wortant it is t\a\\t'ri;ouTd loS^^^ 
 and make the best of it -m il l ^""'^ 't' 
 have said that time is stuff '''^^^' ^ 
 stuff, and 'timeis^tuff' ^'- '^,?\«"ey is 
 eth true,, ne^^rthp]^ - J^'' ^" ^^«ee«i- 
 eth that h. wi.:-l .lil^'if " ^ftentime : 
 
 J that he who hath the 
 
 happ, 
 
 hathThe ,e;Tsrofr„T ^^ "" '^"' 
 -generaJIy understood tSifwrtS: 
 
 it 
 any 
 
 l^-l' 
 
 ; »,=. ■» 
 
48 DOW'S PATENT SEIiMONS. 
 
 note of time, it is as good as ready money 
 inasmuch as there be great interest upon it' 
 I'lme 18 a good paymaster— he settles everyi 
 thing from the debt of nature down to the 
 lowest rum-mill-from a disturbed stomach 
 up to a dangerous dispute. Some persons 
 liave a murderous disposition for killing' 
 time : they go out a-gunning for the bai^ 
 barous purpose, and call it merely 'taking 
 Time by the firelock !' Wretches I-asmf 
 Inend Michael would say—' What has the 
 W^°^?" ^.^^^ ^^ disarve such threatmint?' 
 Why he has soothed many a sorrow- 
 healed many a wound-unheeled many a 
 boot— applied the unction of grease-goose 
 to many a chapped conscience— blic^hted 
 many a rose upon the blooming cheek of 
 youth and beauty— caused buds to bios- 
 som— blossoms to decay— relieved many a 
 mortal from malignant misery-brought 
 millions of unembodied .souls from a quiet 
 nonentify into a material world of wo- and 
 set the door to eternity ajar for all to make 
 a happy escape, at last. Now sum up all, 
 andtell me whether Time ought to bekilled. 
 My verdict 18, Not guilty! Time is bound 
 to be gone soon enough without troubim<' 
 ourselves as to putting it out of the way! 
 lou should make tlie most of it while ifc 
 lasts ; for, when it is once gone, you can no 
 — x., rvotvie io Liiunyou can bring a polish 
 upon a rusty reputation by rubbing it 
 agamst a Presbyterian pulpit. 
 
 Myf 
 
 must I 
 
 demi-al 
 
 is ivall 
 
 friend S 
 
 should, 
 
 herd's p 
 
 withawi 
 
 a mud-ti 
 
 rior's ate 
 
 ty Polly, 
 
 offashioi 
 
 stiff as a 
 
 ceremonj 
 gi'een, to 
 come ou 
 cricket uj 
 spiration 
 Betsy. I 
 
 Love ru 
 And XTH 
 ior ]ov( 
 
 ^fy deal 
 
 we all mus 
 
 or whence 
 
 depraved I 
 
 and the da 
 
 must shine 
 
 there be ar 
 
 pise, it is a 
 
 coat and p; 
 
 wretchedly 
 
 thing like t] 
 
 4^ 
 
3. 
 
 ly money, 
 it upon it. 
 los every, 
 wn to the 
 1 stomach 
 3 persons 
 >r killing 
 ' the bar- 
 ' 'taking 
 J — as my 
 t has the 
 atmint?' 
 sorrow — 
 
 many a 
 se-goose 
 blighted 
 iheek of 
 to blos- 
 many a 
 brought 
 a quiet 
 vo- and 
 to make 
 1 up all, 
 e killed. 
 
 bound 
 
 oubimir 
 le way. 
 while it 
 can no 
 ^ polish 
 ying it 
 
 BOW'S PATENT SEI.MOXS. 49 
 
 demi-almighty pov^e^of W "°T*^^'^' ^h« 
 IS, really omnipotent T^* ^^«' ^^ove 
 friend Scott Paid or m^* t,/"" P^^^e-as my 
 should, have said rf ^'.'^"^^' would, or 
 J^-f s pipe, and '-k^^ "^^-- '^- . shep! 
 
 with a warmth and encT^VMnffl ''^T '^ «»* 
 a mud-turtle : in war E '"^^^^"^ to move 
 rior's steed, and 0.^0. i . •'"?"''*« ^he war- 
 ty Polly, and apfopie W '• ^''"^^ ^^^ P^'et- 
 of fashiin, he isS in ^ f '^ L'-" ^^^^^"s 
 stiff as a poker. lrtha^s4:'nf'%?^ ^« 
 ceremony: in hamlets hf^^ ^ ^^' ^"d 
 green, to the tune of'Rnuf ''''''^^ ^^ ^^^ 
 come out to-n^^ht •' ^ 7'''^ - ^^ 
 cricket upon a hoTh^aith • "'• "^*^'« ^« ^ 
 spiration by the prese ' ^'' f f?^^'^^ toper- 
 Betsy. Inshort,^"'^^^^^"^ beautiful 
 Love rules the coiirf f »,„ / » 
 
 or whence it comes S? 'k' '• ^'■■" ''« ''"'""1 
 'i-praved b,,t h?has Sm^"°r '" """"/ 
 and the darker thp 1= F""^ qualities ; 
 must shine eve^ virtlnf f 't" •'ii''"^^ 
 there be anythiL Jhat ff J^""'''- But, if 
 
 -uaii and pants'anrl ^"T^^^r .^ii-li superfine 
 
 wretchedly want^t^v"^'^^^^ *^^t °iost 
 
 thing like^thls or a.tv ^J?^ \^^* «^«« ^n a 
 
 4U '"' '''^ ^^7 other Hypocrite who 
 
60 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 stands between the Devil and Divinity, 
 there is a germ of goodness, which only re- 
 quires the genial sun of circumstance to 
 cause it to shoot, and put forth an honest 
 benevolent and promising blade. I say it' 
 my friends, and stick to it, like shoemaker's 
 wax, that we are bound to admire goodness 
 wherever it is to be found— whether in the 
 dunghill of humanity, or in the hearts of 
 the angels of heaven ; and if it c^mes to us 
 from a quarter whence we least expect it, 
 it is so much the more worthy a generous 
 consideration. So mote it be. 
 
 TO BE, OR NOT TO BE. 
 
 Text.— To be, or not to be-that is the question. 
 
 My Hearers : I don't see that there need 
 be any question at all about ' To be or not 
 to be.' I say be, as long as there is a pos- 
 ?^oi"fyofaBE inthe world: and so mote 
 it be! Your sour-souled, codfish -mouthed 
 misanthropists, who despise yourgelves and 
 hate everybody and everything !— your 
 eternal absence would be no loss to the 
 world, I am sure : but do you ever expect 
 to be in any happier condition, let you go 
 where you will ? You are determined to 
 be miserable, and misery will be your lot 
 to the fai'thest end of for ever. Heaven- 
 
 way — wc 
 proves ai 
 one ofyoi 
 lingmort 
 you mak( 
 prison, ai 
 At least 
 
 My frit 
 
 thinking 
 
 bodkin, pj 
 
 lost in th( 
 
 ofyour fii 
 
 do no mor 
 
 you find n> 
 
 possibly w 
 
 spring?—: 
 
 storm, will 
 
 your throi 
 
 succeeded i 
 
 lowed the 
 
 forlorn, wi 
 
 cheer up, a 
 
 outlast the s 
 
 say die, so 1 
 
 hole for the 
 
 There can t 
 
 nitude than 
 
 and apparit] 
 
 eternity, Uh 
 
 herself from 
 there is a fir 
 hood. It is 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMO.VS. ^1 
 
 to which place you can never so hv fl.. 
 way-would be hell to you and h^T^ v i?. 
 proves as unsatisfactory as'heaven T^ ''^^ 
 oneofyoudissatisfied dismnftS* ^^^^^ 
 
 lingmoHals,willp;ottTy7o*n^^^^^^ 
 
 lostmtliewoid^, t^»;„™ I " y" get 
 of your fin£g «;«;:: o„t'?^? * "•'^""^ 
 
 your throaf? HaTnot Jn^r ""'? ""' 
 
 lowea the gloomiest cf skies ? Ol/ ,, 
 lorlorn, wretchpd nn^ « • ■? i ^"' ^^^^^ 
 
 nitude than be wCsc^LZfi?^^"^^- 
 
 ther, 
 iood 
 
 
 
 1;^ 
 
 ^CP 
 
 
 yj 
 

 DOW'a PATENT SEUMONS. 
 
 the number of snioidos committed by iloa. 
 perato fools, in the course of a year. Hor- 
 rible ! It is enou^li to make a "dinner-pot 
 turn pale, as accustomed to hot water as 
 it is. 
 
 My hcnrers: your Maker made you a 
 pres(^nt of a livinsf soul, to be returned 
 when call(>d for, and 7iot before. If you 
 disdainfully throw it bnck upon His hands 
 or return it with every apology, I ask yon' 
 m all tau-nesa if it isn't one of the most 
 audacious of insults to Divinity that a 
 mortal is capable of committing. But I 
 know how it is with you self- killers : when 
 you pucker up your mouths to blow out 
 life's greasy candle, you don't stop to think 
 whether you are to bo left for ever in total 
 darkness, mild moonlight, or broad sun- 
 shine—whether there be a God, a heaven 
 a devil, or a hell. It is all the same to yoil 
 80 long as you can escape from that bj<' 
 hornet of earth, called Care. Shame !-^ 
 everlasting shame be on you, ye • consunip- 
 tionate' cowards ! If the stars of heaven are 
 so modest as to hide their heads while tlio 
 wind IS shirt— shifting, what must the still 
 more sensitive angels think of your so un- 
 ceremoniously undressing your souls, and 
 thrusting them into their presence, with- 
 out even a fig-leaf of faith to conceal their 
 naKcdnosB ! 
 
 My dear friends : it is truly sickening 
 to humanity : why, it is enuugh to soui- the 
 
bow's patent sermons. 53 
 
 milk in tjio cocoanut, to see how many of 
 our ouylit-to-bo-liappy felJow crcatuil/ al 
 low the bhick Bpiders of molanchoTy to 
 weave their webs in ovury cornor of ?^ • 
 bosoms-how the misJble ,"ortl vZ 
 pains to go round ana gaze upon th gloomy ' 
 gable-cnd of every earthly eim,vm,.nr T. "^ 
 thoy permit rank^eeds \o ^ ^t^^^ 
 overshadow eveiy beautiful pltnt andVw" r 
 m the garden of existence. Pshaw "Zo 
 poor home.ni..l devils are notCth the 
 consideratioi ..K>. caterDill-ir tT li 
 .0, if they ., .0 the Xl^s^^LtZ 
 all such rubbish. As in *n\^ °«*^"t.u lor 
 
 bo,' as I have si d bit tleit\'n"'^ '^ 
 and nothing else.' So mote it bo ! "^ 
 
 ON NAMES. 
 
 Text.- A wandering Troubadour was ho 
 And bore a miuG of liigl, degree, 
 
 Mt Hearers: a man who has long heen 
 
 lurae^—a question that requires Zor^ 
 mental digging to solve. What is meant 
 
 i ■ 
 
 m 
 
 lis 'V 
 
 m 
 
 
 3l_j 
 
 m 
 
 ipr! 
 
 ^'i ' -i 
 
 
 sr 
 
54 DOW'S PATENT SEKJIO.XS. 
 
 by a NAME P Does it mean your inhp^nf a 
 
 jou giun b^ cleverness, smartness taW 
 and ingenuity f All th -se are ^o L "' 
 sidered as the fisherman said when he f^"," 
 a motley mess in his sooop-nrt ' '""""^ 
 
 trafLtslhai^^riTirrr^"?- 
 A long name always "ommiH'' ""''siM. 
 
 spect fhaa a shorrone PoTlnstoe'e' 7 
 your patronymic be Montgomerv Sf '^ 
 pe, Montcalm, WashingtSn o7of^?"'^- 
 briand, you ai-e lifted so fiX in the ^ • 
 tion of the world, that such shOTt \ 1.^^" 
 concerns as Jones HavTI ^^°'^*' ''"btailed 
 
 are lost sight of entirXs/l?'' "T (•^'••^' 
 to be cursfd with a shortnfSe Y»^" '^''^P'^" 
 to apply at once to tte Seitlare^"" 
 
 is preferable o' eUher of "v'T^'T^'^'^f 
 l)le Browns, Smfths, .w' ^1^'"^^' ; 
 
 euch unconsidered tradJT-why t you al 
 Jow themselves to be thna Z.J ^? « 
 
 ^itheradd syllables^ o\™ t "VrurapTel 
 lutions, and vou M'ill rai-. ^J"urappel. 
 
 coupleofpegshighefiu^-i^Kiros: 
 
DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 
 saw 
 
 you. [Excuse the bull, 
 
 who never 
 brethren.] 
 . My dear friends : the name that the world 
 gives you, for your good or bad behavior 
 18 to be vastly considered. If you pursue 
 the path of virtue walk in wisdom'sCays 
 act honestly, and behave yourselves bXre 
 company you will be presented with a 
 jewel worth more than all the wealth of the 
 Indies, and of which there is no fear of your 
 being robbed— A good name A man wlV-^ 
 pretends to feel for another undt^SffiTul? 
 ties i^y, by his plausible good feeling ex. 
 tract from him all that he liath-except Ms 
 good character. That is his own, and?s h L 
 or ever. You may spit the tobacco-jW 
 of calumny upon it, or bespatter it accord- 
 mg to the worst of your endeavors, never- 
 theless, all these stains will lade and S 
 pear by being bleached in the sunshine ^f 
 public opinion. You cannot rob a man of 
 
 timf 'o.^iT'-fl ^' ^^^ ^' tarnished for a 
 time, or a few flaws may be picked in it 
 
 but eventually, it will recover its oriSnai 
 
 brightness and assume its wonted whcae 
 
 ness No, brethren-as for taking a mortal 
 
 man's good name from him,,you"might al 
 
 My hearers: therp is corfoinlTr „, 
 t ing about a na,r>e above whit fcaH.: 
 P^ain, or any of us can comprehend UeJe 
 always as more respect paid to Pollt syl! 
 
56 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 lables than to MoLLY-svUablPQ wr, -x • 
 80, I do not feel myself at liberiv 7^^ '* '" 
 an opinion-nevertt / 1^^^^^ V/' 
 on another hand, when von Tip! ^®°' 
 quhed 'a name of hi4 decree 'I! '"''"^ ^^^ 
 
 OF 
 
 WANT OF MONET, THE WORST 
 WANTS. ^ 
 
 TI,ewi.,e,,ta,Ivioei,.exiSSe • 
 Is neercu its kindness to call; 
 
 ll«uoxtwaytoRetitsas.sista„te 
 JS -sliow you don't need it all I 
 
 IItHeaeees: thisisnotonlyam-oat l,„f 
 
 ^ou are 
 
 if you c 
 
 say, yo 
 
 'Poorfc 
 
 The triit 
 
 deal of 
 
 bound tc 
 
 pi'opnet( 
 
 tnow tht 
 
 ing a nil] 
 
 fore he di 
 
 rally succ 
 
 pectation 
 
 plus bras 
 
 the world 
 
 car to anc 
 
 macbinerj 
 
 as he can 
 
 grave, rufl 
 
 Its cares, 
 
 saddled wi 
 
 iiappiness 
 
 ,1 m 
 
Why it is 
 
 express 
 '. Then, 
 
 once ac- 
 says our 
 mkeable. 
 L commit 
 
 1 the eye 
 lort you 
 3tates of 
 doing, 
 5rod and 
 
 ST OF 
 
 ook it 
 se ; 
 
 ey, 
 
 \t, but 
 ive in, 
 Qon; , 
 )erty; 
 ander 
 xcept 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEIiMONS. 57 
 
 a left boot, and wanting to boi-row m^ 
 You may want sense. aSd theTorTd r^'l* 
 blame you for it Tf w.^„i^ 1 ?• „ ^^» * 
 you with the article i^dtt^'I ^"^"^«^ 
 but, unluckily, it has1t2"L'^^^^^^^^^^^ 
 home consuniDtioTi Tf ^ ^"ough for 
 looks the mXTnasmuflT*'"'^? ^^^^■ 
 the making of yoZ^utTTyTrJ" 
 there is no doubt but you wm, 1.5 l ^'''^* 
 m a few more brains an/,. . ^^^^ P"* 
 less bottom. Howev;rJfyo^,"^:".^^i^"« 
 you are well enough off aft^er all L f?'"' 
 ifyou commit a fox paw L fV' ^^^^^^'''^ 
 say, you are let ^-o wfthThf /^^ r""^^^^ 
 • Poor fool ! he doesn^^ t^ ^^^^P^^ment, 
 The truth is, a%rearA^] 7k ^^^ ^^^^^^l' 
 deal of bot^ erafon A ""^ ^'''''''^ ^« ^^^^t 
 bound to sScimt. 'T^ ^^^^^ i« 
 
 proprietor ofTt has Tot «r '"""'" *^« 
 know that there i^n ?^ -l^?!^ ^"^"^^ to' 
 
 oar to ancle!- hutltlll"'? ■^''""'^ fr«°i 
 machinery of tho«,?I,t^ '^"',''1™ « complete 
 as he ca/do to teS it He' '^ "^ A^^ 
 grave, ruffled and tu,„b kd !/"'V*-° ''^^ 
 >t3 cares, and m'oseyTinlr.f"''-! '"« *«>• 
 saddled with mentafmi^ery %T"^f P"^"^- 
 fcappmesaofthefool! ■'^' ' ^"^ '''a 
 
 ,1-> 
 
 
 liJ 
 
 
58 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEKlkiONS. 
 
 My friends: if you want feeling, ifc will 
 
 always find excuse. The apparently. miser- 
 
 able mendicant, that begs a penny at your 
 
 door, may be better off than yourself.— You 
 
 hesitate to help a mortal out of the pit of 
 
 poverty, lest he turn about and tumble you 
 
 in the same pit for your kindness. As for 
 
 pretending to feel for a brother's woes, his 
 
 misfortunes and his miseries, is all in my 
 
 eye and Mrs. Elizabeth Martin. The only 
 
 true^stateoffeelingisto feel for another 
 
 man s money. Get that, and then you can 
 
 toel— feel— feel comfortable. 
 
 My dear friends: don't let the world 
 know that you really stand in need of 
 money; if you do, it will see you a con- 
 feiderable way further down before you get a 
 copper from its treasury. The world rides 
 those that are ridden— treads upon those 
 that are down—kicks those that are used 
 to being kicked, and cuffs the ears of the 
 poverty. bitten, as though they had been 
 guilty of some enormous offence. You 
 must hold up your heads— look smart 
 (as you actually do smart) and pretend 
 that your pockets are suffering with a 
 plethora of the ' pewter ' if you wish to ob- 
 tain a pecuniary favour from your fellow 
 rascals. All is deceit and hypocrisy here 
 below. Man takes every available advan- 
 tagu of his brother man, in the way of busi- 
 ness; and, if I were to swap horses to-dav 
 with a minister of the gospel, I should keep 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 59 
 
 one eye open just as wide as though I were 
 dealing witha notorious jockey. Excuse mv 
 want of confidence in professional pLty^ 
 but faith 18 not to be summoned by^S 
 fistX'rlr- ^^-^- flesh, andVht 
 
 passage of the.scripture wlS says, 'He 
 that hath nothing, from him shall betaken 
 even what he hath.'] If you have nothS 
 you are ^afe.^ ^..^-^{^ yo^";™f.e^ 
 extort an existence. If you can get some? 
 thing, anyhow, well and good, so lon?L 
 the world considers it honestly' your own 
 but If you go to borrow money, make the 
 lender believe that you are aboitTo enrich 
 
 have not the remotest idea of disturbW 
 the principal. I talk this way b cause I 
 IS he way of the world. It if 'puTDick 
 ^hi 'Ik'>'^^ ^^^^^^ throuc4 iTfe 
 a vfct?^' hat, unfortunately, falls behind is' 
 
 TaheTd W^' ^"if ""^''^«' ^hil« he that 
 
 &™f Td*^ *T^ with a7tchfork: 
 tWnS^^T • w"* ^otwant to see such 
 
 I wa'nff^ ^^""ition, sex, or sentiment. 
 onT?n* f 1,'^^ ^""^ T"" ^11 «hake hands with 
 
 unL each ''t^J ' ^ ""^'^^'^'^ '' ^"" ' ^^^^ 
 unto each. I desire you to kiss the wo- 
 
 'm 
 
 )ii*>*»« 
 
 ft 
 
 Ip^' 
 
 ■ f 
 
 
 **&*•- 
 
 f 
 
 1 
 
 
 1 
 
60 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 men, and love them in all sincerity; for 
 there is no doubt but they were put upon 
 earth for a good purpose. And, lastly"; I 
 warn you against thinking too much of 
 money; for it has carried a good many to 
 lieJi and none to heaven. So mote it be ' 
 
 LOOK AHEAD. 
 
 Text.— If that the Past doth seem unkind, 
 I will a better Present find ; 
 If Present things should brin? annoy 
 1 11 make the Future brim with joy. 
 
 My Hearers : another inch of Time's 
 tail has .lust been chopped off; another 
 chapter of life's romantic story has been 
 read ; another revolution of the gi-eat wheel 
 has been effected-another year has been 
 swallowed by i.: e insatiate Past-slipped 
 down Its gullet, like a rabbit into the maw 
 ot an anaconda. Last Monday eve we saw 
 his heels just barely sticking out : when 
 the ironical tongue of St. Paul's proclaim- 
 ed the 'noon of night,' the old year was 
 not quite a goner— his shoe-taps were still 
 visible from without the monster's mouth • 
 but when St. George's tolled the midnight 
 hour, we were solemnly and earnestly told 
 that Eighteen Hundred and Forty-Nine. 
 iisq., had gone the way of his predecessors \ 
 or, m other words, that he was defunct-^ 
 a corpse. 
 
 reaps h 
 
 to delve 
 
 The J/ 
 
 unkind 
 
 haps it '. 
 
 built cj 
 
 hopes — 
 
 — and p 
 
 ber of w 
 
 then? 
 
 as says 
 
 Keyser.' 
 
 matter ? 
 
 up the cj 
 
 ments ai 
 
 on the n( 
 
 use than 
 
 hill. 
 
 My dei 
 but a me 
 your bac 
 look to tl 
 shall nev( 
 Be half , 
 care may 
 
DOW'S PATENT SFRMONS. 61 
 
 Now my friends, since the old year haa 
 departed. I hope you will let it rest in 
 peace ; but I am afraid not. I fear you will 
 desecrate ita grave-dig up its bones-rako 
 over Its ashes, out of revenge for some 
 fancied ill-usage It is now the prope ?y 
 of the Past ; and to it let it belong.^ fcave 
 It to manure the fields where the historian 
 reaps his harvest, and the antiquarian loves 
 to delve, for it is yours no more 
 
 The year just slid away may have seemed 
 unkind to many of you, my brethren. Per- 
 haps it has upset some of your strongest 
 built calculations-soured your sweetest 
 hopes-beclouded your brightest prrpect a 
 -and played Tom-fool with you £ a num 
 
 ttnl"?^-, ^'^^' Buppose^it has-X 
 then ? « What yer goin' to do about it ?' 
 as says the young rascal that ' kills for 
 Keyser. Ay, what can you do with th^ 
 mat er ? Why let it rest?^ TMs slirrL^ 
 up the carrion of former ills, old disappoint''- 
 ments and bygone vexations, is severe up- 
 on the nostrils of Memory, and of no mo?e 
 use than digging for diamonds in a dung- 
 
 My dear friends : if the Past presents 
 but a me ancholy picture to behold turn 
 
 r w .I^^^P^'' it-right-about face, and 
 look to the PrPRPTif. anrl .^^i... ~,„-^ .■,' , . . 
 
 shallneverwantonlybetrayyourconfidence. 
 lie half careful, half careless : too much 
 care may kiU a cat j and extreme careless- 
 
 ''««^ 
 
 r 
 
. 62 DOWs PATENT SEBMOKS 
 
 Keep cool; bo busy olarip^ 
 
 trod haa given you reason f \ , 
 passions ; therefore hoTj/^t'^ control jour 
 and let them trot, or th v ml^''^'^^'^^^^^^' 
 with your reason • and K """-^ ^H" 'I'^ay 
 Belvejto the wa?er Jevel wL^?/ ^V"^ ^^"^^ 
 
 The wisest and best of n^ '"' ^'•"^^• 
 commit errors; but rectify flT "^^^'^imcs 
 they.ereco,nized/ar^^^^^ 
 
 he 18 expected to doirnVi e^^^^eation, 
 
 expect S few kick, }o7u'ZhT ^' "^'y 
 ness. ^^^ ^^s obstreperous- 
 
 your%:^^rS^^^^ and 
 
 jTou do a deed of cbaH^^^^^^^^ ^"*' ^'^^« 
 
 iand in your coat pocket' i '"^ /^"^. ^^^^ 
 
 »iay not see what the rf^'h/? ''''t'' *^^* ^^ 
 
 , I needn't warn von «^ • ^""^ ^« "P to. 
 
 bad actions; for^yourT?'^ committing 
 
 shame, and the love nf"'''^'*^'.'^ ^^ar of 
 
 sufficient to curb you O ^^^^''^ation, are 
 
 do anything wrong for hJfl/u'' ^^"^^^'^ 
 
 the whole of OalifSrnia ' ^^^"^^^^ ^^ 
 
 Implant such seeds and ,>oldpr, ,. • - , 
 
 i will be 1 kely to tatrfi? ^^PP^cipIes 
 
 ^-i/co take the qmckestand 
 
 a 
 
 docpe 
 ful of 
 my p 
 them 
 future 
 In y 
 lect it 
 to mai 
 Bev 
 fers th 
 him a j 
 Keve 
 do that 
 .Togi 
 tion of ] 
 concern 
 jou cor 
 superflu] 
 Don't 
 will soon 
 do. Doi 
 hardest 
 of pay. 
 
 Stick t( 
 
 you are e 
 
 devour th 
 
 mory. B 
 
 that has b 
 
 Improv( 
 
 I am fully 
 
 are ton Im-/ 
 
 i'ind, then 
 
 ^■ather tie 
 
 cowhide, w: 
 
BOW'S PATENT 8EKMON3. go 
 
 the J at ^-^s^Z'Z:^' *.?>an? 
 
 salt tiiem doH^ ib/ the 
 
 Recol- 
 
 my principl 
 them at aJ]. 
 future. 
 
 Oct it is easier to buSd tw > - '"' -- 
 
 to maiiitain one '^ "^''^^' /s than 
 
 do that. youiselves wise-fooIs only 
 
 of pay. ^^^^' ^nd the poorest 
 
 devour them, cherish »??^*'°''^'- I'' you 
 »ory But i know h'ow i h'*' .f''' ^^■ 
 that has beeneatenis soon fn'\*i'^ '"•^'"l 
 
 Improve all nr, JL forgotten. 
 I am fully p«"u^adS^t opportunities ; yet 
 are too vIJ .- ^i ""?' '^-thirda nf £!, 
 
 f^. 'i^fnok^It'withX'T °^'*^'^»- 
 
 cowhide 
 
 yourselves 
 without fear 
 
 /resent: but 
 up, and put on the 
 f'ivour, or friendship. 
 
 , -^Ns-r^Mi 
 
 fcwJwJ 
 
64 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 I '•] 
 
 I m 
 
 i 11 
 
 While you feed the body, give a little 
 fodder to the mind ; and so nourish the ac- 
 tivity of your thoughts, as well as cater to 
 the capricious wants of the stomach. 
 
 Now, my friends, by paying a proper ob- 
 servance to these wholesome precepts, your 
 present prospects will, in ail probability, 
 keep as bright as the untarnishable sun it- 
 self; but if adventitious circumstances 
 should operate against you, in spite of all 
 — should sorrowful accidents happen, as 
 they sometimes will * in the best regulated 
 families'— and you can't get forward much 
 faster than you slip back— spunk up. De- 
 termine that the Future shall more than 
 make up for all disappointments and de- 
 linquencies : put your shoulder to the 
 wheel — ' push along, keep moving '—cease 
 grumbling— take the world easy— and I 
 will bet that chew of tobacco against the 
 contents of my luckiest contribution-box 
 that you will come off ' all hunk ' in the end. 
 So mote it be I 
 
 WHAT IS TRUE. 
 
 Text.— J*" an of wisdom ! man of years ! 
 Tell, ob, tell us what is true! 
 
 My Hearers : I don't pretend to be a man 
 pv/ssessed of more than a moderate share 
 of wisdom — about as much as an owl that 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 65 
 
 nig 
 
 __^litly asks 'Who's who?' and pauses 
 in vain, during the day, for a reply ; nor 
 one who can boast of as many years as an 
 Adam, a Noah, or a Methuselah : yet I can 
 tell you what is true about some things as 
 well as others. 
 
 It is time that Eighteen Sixty- Four died 
 a day agoue, and we shall never behold his 
 face again. Since he died of old age and 
 exposure to the rude inclemencies of win- 
 ter, perhaps he might be more properly 
 called Eighteen Hundred and Froze-to- 
 death. However, since he is gone, to re- 
 turn no more, let us sing * Lord Ijless him, 
 let him go!' and rejoice that the child born 
 unto us, and christened Eighteen Sixty- 
 Five, is full of hope and promise to mil- 
 lions ; albeit to some it brings dark doubts, 
 evil bodings, and awful fears. But cheer 
 up, ye disconsolate ones ! "When you come 
 to see the infant year lifting up its little 
 hands from the green velvet-lmed cradle 
 of Spring, holding violets, cowslips and 
 daffodils, and smiling like a cherub amid 
 the budding bowers of Eden — then you 
 will find fresh flowerets of hope and joy 
 starting from your half-sterile heart, and 
 feel like a jaybird indulging, unmolested 
 at a corn-rack. Yes, brethren, with these 
 new and joyous impulses awakened in 
 your bosoms, you will find it difficult to pre- 
 vent exclaiming, as I did when I took my 
 444 E 
 
 4.» 
 
 .1.4 J^ 
 
 
 
ee 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 first favorite kiss : * Cut my straps, and let 
 me go to glory !' 
 
 It is true, my friends, that, to prosper in 
 tbis world, you must work — be industrious 
 — keep moving, like a deputy christian dis- 
 tributing tracts. 
 
 It is true that cheerfulness is a promoter 
 of health. Dark days are bound to inter- 
 vene between us and the tomb ; therefore, 
 every man should carry a small bottle of 
 sunshine under his shirt-bosom. 
 
 It is true that women make more false 
 motions in amatory matters, or pretend to 
 love when they do not, than men ; and yet, 
 when a woman's affections are once fairly 
 fastened upon a fellow, they stick and hang, 
 like a tick to a sheep. Nevertheless, for- 
 eign experience says, it is comfortable, if 
 not delightful, to repose upon the soft down 
 of woman's love. 
 
 It is true that flatterers bespatter one 
 another with praise, to their own detriment 
 — and to my astonishment. They let 
 words out at interest, and receive words 
 and ridicule in return. 
 
 It is true that idleness is the parent of 
 man-^'' vices ; but who shall say that ill- 
 directed industry is not the mother of 
 equally as many H However, I suppose we 
 must obey the injunction ' Whatever thy 
 band findeth to do, do it with all thy might' 
 -—even though it maketh ready to * knock 
 a nigger down.' 
 
 I 
 
 ] 
 
 It is tr 
 soda wat 
 fore, it 1 
 on the lo 
 tage of e^ 
 
 It is tr 
 always w 
 to-morro 
 to-da^ wi 
 
 It IS tr 
 patriotisi 
 straining 
 in declii 
 country ; 
 war COM] 
 triotism i 
 
 It is tr 
 toad : it i 
 had feath 
 died a W 
 a feel ! 
 
 It is tr 
 than orm 
 
 It is tri 
 don't prai 
 an averag 
 nothing I 
 else.' 
 
 It is tn 
 as IV no qij 
 chickens- 
 eat it witl 
 eat it mji 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 67 
 
 It is true that time, tide, steamboats and 
 soda water will wait for no man. There- 
 fore, it behoves us mortals to be always 
 on the lookout, and to take timely advan- 
 tage of every favorable opportunity. 
 
 It is true that, let us do our best, we are 
 always wedged in between yesterday and 
 to-morrow. Ho-hum ! — it is always dull 
 to-daj with mortal man. 
 
 It IS true that there are two kinds of 
 patriotism — one is urging, the other re- 
 straining. Thei'e may be good patriotism 
 in declining to GO to war in another 
 country; but refusing to fight when 
 war COMES into one's country, is poor pa- 
 triotism indeed. * There aint no hair on't.' 
 
 It is true that posthumous fame is like a 
 toad : it might be a pretty bird if it only 
 had feathers. * Who hath honor ? He that 
 died a Wednesday. Doth he feel it ?' No t 
 a feel ! 
 
 It is true that big feet are more for use 
 than ornament, like a leather shirt. 
 
 It is true that ministers of the gospel 
 don't practice half what they preach — on 
 an average. Some of them, though, preach 
 nothing but hell, and they practise 'nothing 
 else.' 
 
 It is true that I give good advice, and 
 ask no questions. I throw dough to my 
 chickens— if the chickens like it, let them 
 eat it without first asking me why I don't 
 eat it myself. 
 
 ami 
 
68 
 
 rOTV's PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 It is tnio that every do^ hns his day; 
 but it isn ttriie that cver^ Day hrs his dcM- 
 
 It IS true tliat ev«'ry girl, no sooner thim 
 she 18 fourteen wants to get married. Ifc 
 is in accordaneo with a • mysterious law 
 of natur'.' 
 
 It is true that nothing is gained by 
 cheating; because a successful cheat is sure 
 to KMid on to disastrous consequences— 
 at hist. 
 
 It is true that a ' .- ; '.: is neither a lady 
 nor a geiitlemim; but a hermaphrodite, 
 between high and low breeding. 
 
 It is true that there is no truth in two- 
 thirds of the lies that are sent abroad 
 through envy, jealousy, spite, and malice! 
 
 My friends: I could tell two thousand 
 hve hundred things more that are true, but 
 they wouldn't add an iota to your already 
 well filled stock f information. Suffice it 
 to say, that you i..iyr all got to die, one of 
 these odd days. Make up your minds to 
 meet Death with a smile— give him a 
 hearty shake of the hand— say 'How are 
 ye, old fellow?'— and take a pleasant ram- 
 ble with him upon the outskirts of a mun- 
 dane existance. So mote it be I 
 
 lU'*! 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 69 
 
 FEMININE BEAUTY. 
 
 Text.-- , . . A heauty ripe an liarvost. 
 Wliose skin is wliiter tlian a swan all over 
 Than silver, snow, or lilies ! A soft lip ' 
 Would tempt you to eternity of kissinc* 
 And rtesli that lueltetli in the touch toT'lood • 
 Bright as your gold, and lovely as your gold.' 
 
 My Hearers : I liave a warm subject for 
 hot weather ; however, I shall endeavour 
 to treat it with coolness, calmness, and 
 deliberation.— Everything should be taken 
 cool, except hot tea and a warm bath. 
 But to my text : * A beauty ripe as harvest.* 
 —That's your sort. We care not a coun- 
 terfeit copper for your green beauties- 
 mere buds, that may, and may not, open 
 to a beautiful flower. Nor for fading, de- 
 caying and blasted beauties. They can 
 get no hold upon our sensibilities— can no 
 more arouse our dormant passions than 
 rum pourad into a rat-hole. V/e want 
 something ripe, rich and rare— luscious 
 and in full bloom. I mean that you do- 
 not I. For my part, I am contented with 
 the plain beef and cabbage of the world. 
 
 My friends : our text . speaks of one 
 ' whose skin is wliiter than snow all over.' 
 We all admire whiteness, because it is an 
 emblem of purity; but it should make no 
 difference as to what color the skin is, so 
 long as the soul is of a fair complexion. 
 
 i.ri 
 
 
 
 j 
 
 mtf %ti' '« 
 
 i 
 
 J' : 
 
 i 
 
 m^ 
 
70 
 
 DOVV'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 A black character contained in a mowy- 
 carcase, reminds me as forcibly as l kick 
 of a 'whited sepulchre;' but a white re- 
 putation encase d in a dxck skin show^ to 
 excellent advantage. It is l-'ke p, brijjht 
 beaming star glistening tL-rough th<'. ere-' 
 vice of a thunder-cloud— boriM wilier brisrht- 
 ness aiid beauty from the gur5)und^>iff 
 gloom, a his IS moiarlizing, mind ye. But 
 to pli^ase tbe grosser appetite— to humor 
 ova- jiriia] fancies— we go in for an alabas- 
 ter eiiticlei the v^rhiter the better provided 
 chalk can enter no claims for credit in the 
 score. Oh! a feminine skin, whiter than 
 silver, than snow, than lilies, is m(-ying to 
 masculine flesh and feelings! It makes 
 man forget his divine portion, and all his 
 ideas are engrossed in the human. Then 
 when we see - soft and lovely blending of 
 the rose with the lily, upon the cheek? of 
 angelic woman, how inconceivable are the 
 rapturous sensations experienced by whis- 
 kers and moustaches ! and how unbounded 
 the praises that weak and erring human 
 nature would fain bestow ! 
 
 My hearers : the next part of my text 
 mentions a soft lip, that might ' tempt you 
 to an eternity of kissing,' Now, generally 
 speaking, you should take heed lest you 
 tall into temptation, or into a mud gutter • 
 but I never could see any harm in iiidulg' 
 ing m labial exercise to the utmos^ tent 
 of mutual desire— especially when , v e is 
 
 S'. I '.-> 
 
 green 
 
DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 71 
 
 a soft ruby lip moistened by the pure juice 
 of love, and a breath untainted by onions. 
 As to the ' eternity of kissing ' I should 
 Gay it were rather too much of a good 
 thing. The sweetest ofpleasures soon cloy. 
 In my humble opinion, the better way is* 
 after going about half-satisfied, to hold off 
 for a time ; and then go at it again, with 
 renewed vigor, industry, and appetite. 
 * And flesh that melteth in the touch to 
 blood.'— It hath been said of old that all 
 flesh is gi-ass— but it is not always quite so 
 green ! There is a great deal of the yellow 
 sort extant at present. As regards soft- 
 ness, give me that which is plump, and 
 enough of it; and it matters not to me 
 whether it is hard as a brickbat or soft as a 
 pudding-bag. As for its ' melting in the 
 touch to blood,' I don't care a tinker's bles- 
 smg, so long as there is a little left to 
 fondly cherish ; but even should it wholly 
 dissolve, it were heaven enough for me to 
 lap up the precious syrup, like a kitten 
 would spit milk from the kitchen hearth- 
 stone. If a sweet colored wench, though, 
 were to melt into molasses, you should all 
 have a chance for a lick as well as mvself. 
 * Bright as your gold, and- lovely as your 
 gold.' That sounds well— it has exactly 
 the right chink. A virtuous woman is a 
 jewel to society, and a crown to man. More 
 than a crown— a ten-dollar gold piece at 
 least Ay, more than that : the world would 
 
 t i ? 
 
 €' y'i 
 
 'C3 
 
 
72 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 not lose her for the wealth of all the worlds 
 And what were woman without man ? A 
 useless, though beautiful ornament in t 
 dreary wilderness. Since the sexes were 
 made for eaeh other, let them love onelno! 
 ther; and the more steam they put on 
 during the operation, the more pleasin^^ 
 ism the eyes of Heaven, and the morein 
 teresting is the spectacle exhibited to the 
 sights of mortals upon earth. So mote it be ' 
 
 TREASURES FROM BOOKS. 
 
 TEXT.-V^ealth may flee, and friends deceiveus 
 Love may change his sunny looks : ' 
 Jiut those treasures never leave us 
 Which we garner in from books' 
 
 My Hearers : do you all know ho-;- to 
 read? If you don't Ipour youout sympa- 
 thy by pailfuls, and, at the same time feel 
 disposed to cast a brickbat of censui-e at 
 your heads-if I could get hold of one. You 
 should have a large portion of my pity for 
 vour unfortunate ignorant condition, and a 
 big junk of my blame for being so arrogant 
 as to despise an acquaintance with the lit- 
 tle A-B ab-zes, the i-b zes. the o-b zes and 
 all the ampersands-zes— to say nothing of 
 those still smaller characters called com- 
 mas, semicolons, colons, periods, and so 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 73 
 
 forth It hath been written, 'Despise not 
 the day of small things;' neither should 
 you despise those apparently-little insi^ni- 
 hcances which are capable of forming such 
 a beautiful, grand and imposing architpr* 
 ture of thought as I happe^nto kn^i^^t 
 tential with their natures. A nation ?8 
 composed of multitudes of individuals4he 
 lower of Babel consisted of an ' immense 
 number of bricks-the vast pyramids con! 
 tain pieces of stone beyond mortal reckon- 
 mg-and the whole universe itself is made 
 up of an infinity of paltry particles rS 
 more wonderfu than all these is the sub- 
 ime monument that some twenty- six sill v 
 looking alphabetical characters have ren" 
 dered assistance in rearing. Make your- 
 selves we 1 acquainted with the use of these 
 httle materials, and verily you shall not 
 look for employment so longls life laste^h 
 My friends : our text says^ ' Wealth may 
 flee, and friends forsake us.' Yes ri2Z 
 seem to be furnished with pinionsVema- 
 turely plumed. As soon as they are hS 
 ed, they are ready to fly; and^f you do^^^ 
 cage them closely, they are gone for ever 
 Friends may forsake us.' Ay, that's tme 
 too; but It IS not owing to any wilful neT 
 ect or desire to forsake; foriue ?rien£ 
 cau never part so long as there is a tele! 
 graphic communication between soul and 
 soul, however remot. the distance It^s 
 owing, brethren, to i^.e mutability of hu! 
 
 ■«»■«*» 
 
 s 
 
 1 
 
 
 1 
 
 •| 
 
 J 
 
74 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 man affairs — to the unavoidable change of 
 circumstances. The world revol/es; and 
 so long as it shal'' .', ../'....e to revolve, we 
 shall be shaken up, displaced and scattered, 
 like the children of Israel, when they un- 
 dertook to I'ide the elephant out of the 
 woods into E^^ypt. ' Love also may change 
 his sunny looks.' So he may : his counte- 
 nance is as susceptible of change as an April 
 sky : and he is but short-lived at the long- 
 est. Oh ! 
 
 ' Love is pretty, 
 Love is witty, 
 Love is ( harming whilst it's new ; 
 But it soon grows old, 
 And waxes cold, 
 And fades away like the morning dew.' 
 
 And so it is, and so it does — I mean that 
 ephemeral, pbosphorescent love, whic' 
 takes fire from the putridness of the grosser 
 passions, even as J; )k-o'-lanterns arise from 
 the v^ ^aye ^ and B nking carcases of frogs 
 and meadow turtles. But there is another 
 sort of love, my friends, which Eternity it- 
 self cl. at tire out. It is thai kind of love 
 which forever exists among the saints and 
 angels of heaven, an'^ ,f which I may speak 
 more particularly hereafter. 
 
 Dear brethi, when I was a little boy. 
 and wore a lit e c ck apron, and could 
 first read the h t tie pximer with a blueish 
 cover, grandmother assured me that 
 
 When 
 Then 
 
 and I hi 
 
 bounded 
 
 LAENINC 
 
 as my fri 
 
 agine. ^ 
 
 article. 
 
 ors, so m 
 
 ledge fro 
 
 both sola 
 
 the winte 
 
 mer days 
 
 ful ^ >ve a 
 
 cand is 
 
 From joc 
 
 which no. 
 
 well sa , 
 
 sure, tho 
 
 books, lik 
 
 you, if yo 
 
 good old 1 
 
 the mass^ 
 
 how to ke< 
 
 better tha 
 
 books. Re 
 
 as to thoi 
 
 stop sawi: 
 
 peddling c 
 
 the same £ 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 75 
 
 When land is gone and money spent. 
 Ihen LAKNiNo is most ex-cel-LENT ; 
 
 and I have since ascertained, to my im- 
 bounded joy and satisfaction, tha,t a ' little 
 LAHNING 18 not half so dangerous a thin*^ 
 as my Iriend Pope took the trouble to irat 
 agino. Would that I possessed more of the 
 article. As bees gather honey xiom flow- 
 ors, so may you extract the sweets of know- 
 ledge from books-sweets that shall afford 
 both solace and sustenance to the soul in 
 the winter of age, when the friends of for- 
 mer days are few— when the fires of youth- 
 tul .>ve are extinguished, and life's gi-easv 
 cane, is about to sputter in the socket 
 Irom »jooks yr>u can gather treasures of 
 which no. e can rob you; and then you may 
 well 80 , vith the poet, ' P.^ecious trea- 
 sure, thou £ mine !' I know all about 
 books, like a )ok : and now let me tell 
 y^\^\yp^ ^^^^^ ^ov instruction, read that 
 good old book (now almost obsolete with 
 the mass) called the Bible : it tells you 
 how to keep clear of the snags of this world 
 better than I can. That is the Book of all 
 books. Read it— and when you can so read 
 as to thoroughly understand it, you may 
 stop sawing wood, carrying the hod, and 
 peaaling clams, and take to preach -'n~— 
 the same as I have done. ^ So mote it be ! 
 
 Iw* 
 
 ...I: 
 
 
 ■ 
 
7G DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 FOREWARNINGS-GHOSTS. 
 
 TEXT.-The lady of Ellerslee wept for her Lor.l- 
 A death-vvatcli liad beat in her Lnpl v rll ' 
 Her curtain had shook of i " own accord " ' 
 And thejaven had flapped at ^;:-indow 
 To tell of her warrior's doom. 
 
 I look for ghosts ; but none will force 
 Th f n''^^ to me ;-'tis falsely said 
 That there was ever intercourse 
 lietweeu the living and the dead. 
 
 My Hearers: Death comes but once- 
 but that once IS a clincher! as some Ldv 
 has said of yore. True-when hTDOFs 
 come there IS no release from his grapnt 
 He comes like a thief in the niShf^ i 
 springs upon his victim like a cat n^.^ ' 
 inouse; but 'of that day and tw u- 
 know^th no one.' He /eversendsa wa^n' 
 mg of Ins approach through a howlinJdn^' 
 a crowing hen, a croakin| ravZ or a ticT 
 ing msect; for dogs wLid K W 
 
 ns"ct"Xr '':r ^^'^^^' -nd ttg 
 Sf inthew^rld'^ln ^^^^^^^^^ *^^"^ ^^ 
 signs, and other La^nar^t^^^^^^^ 
 are as liable to fall as^thr^maST/l' 
 mulitude of hopes. When Siev fin f f 
 ai. consigned to^he tombTf J^lt':^ 
 Out whoa one Happens to act as a co-inci.' 
 dent, It gets the credit of being a roRE. 
 
OOW's PATENT SEEMONS. „ 
 
 because my trousers is bZti- ' m" '^'«- 
 hearers, had that boy 8lin3 i • ■''^''."'' "y 
 any other means, Sn n^l 1" '""'^ 4 
 afterwards, the eiJS 11?} °'' "'""'h 
 
 ff^S!^s!^iTrlT?"^^^^ 
 
 ^-4fth:?-£5=^^^^^^ 
 
 giment of them,till lil ,fT\^^ T*'' » re- 
 your fear-shattered bodies R '""'^^ ""' °f 
 >t IS not these tliat announcP^r'" '" """<'. 
 of the grim monster ?o. A"'® ''PP'-oach 
 about it,) but they frVgfentT ?f ^'"^'^ 
 i« icy embrace, Wyfi'?/"" ''"'«»' into 
 'they continually do wv ' ^^''f'"'"' that 
 A»<J BO they doery-Ifv„,!^?'<''!'"'°S!' 
 even up to the moment tha? A"*^'"* •'- 
 rates Its shackly tenempnt/'?^ *"»1 ''a- 
 mj friends, som^ebody°r otl"''''''- "^^y- 
 b'ddinggood-byetothew^?^ " "'"'"/a 
 TIME that hens crow S'^tt^'"'^ ^«^ 
 rooster to crow for th^m-lT'^'''' '» "<> 
 on the door-step, aid W aM.^°S' «*' up- 
 a me ancholy Lod-^^^V^t ^oo-J w 
 
 "ovecoosfoJherttettteZn 
 
 
 
 
 
78 
 
 DOWS PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 the window— when the whippoorwill sings 
 in his sleep in the day-time— when apple- 
 trees and window-curtains shake of their 
 own accord ; yes, brethren, I repeat, that 
 when these uncommon sounds and sights 
 are heard and seen, somebody is about to 
 receive a death-rap upon the knuckles to 
 make him let go his grasp upon the world; 
 and, of course, fools will have it that they 
 were the solemn presages of his departure. 
 , Pshaw ! I hardly know whether to pity or 
 contemn those silly scrags who 
 
 See Death iu clouds, and hear him in the wind. 
 So I will give them a little of both— a par- 
 ticle of pity and a portion of contempt. 
 Well do I remember— young as I was— 
 that, when the Northern Lights were first 
 Been, how the bristles rose upon the back 
 of Terror— how consternation seized the 
 whole world by the hair — and how even 
 Piety, Faith and Virtue shook in their shoes 
 for fear. Everybody said something un- 
 usual was going to happen ; and what they 
 said was true just two weeks, to a day, after- 
 wards, one Ebenezer Essencepebler, who 
 had not the satisfaction of witnessing the 
 phenomenon, choked himself to death in 
 endeavoring to swallow the smallest ac- 
 count of it ! 
 
 My dear fi-icnds: do you believe in 
 ghosts ? If so, you will be honored with 
 the presence of just as many as you would 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 79 
 
 wish to^ accompany you in your per- 
 ambulations about this mystical sphere 
 •Seek, and ye shall find/ reads a passage 
 ofscnpture; and I know of noting to 
 
 RnHtl^r^^if ^PP^y *^^^*^ ghosts. 
 But It depends altogether upon the spirit 
 of mind m winch you seek them. If you 
 hunt them for the fun and the sport of 
 the thing, you will find them scarcer than 
 woodcocks m winter; but look for them 
 with tremulous agitation, (after dark, mind 
 ye-ghosts never stalk in daylight,) each 
 bush, rock, stump, and corner of a fence 
 will produce enough to freeze the warm 
 blood m your bodies in the shaking of a 
 table-cloth. Yet these are but the ghosts 
 of your own fancies, my brethren. When- 
 ever you discover one of them, walk bold- 
 ly up toit-oifer to shake hands with it- 
 say How d'ye do ? what's the news from 
 your pace :^-and if you don't go back 
 8atisfc.3i that there was more reality in 
 the ' critter ' than you ever imagined, and 
 that you had made superfine fools of your- 
 selves, you may stop my little supply of 
 happiness here, and cut off mv only hone 
 of a heaven hereafter. I tell yoii-and 
 you'd better believe it-that there is no in- 
 
 Ww'''''!'i,'v^-''^ "^^y' manner or shape, 
 
 ia" , & ""^Dwcuuaa, . Tnere 18 
 
 whivV i?"^^ ^^""^ separates them, across 
 Which there is no communicating— not 
 even by the lightning telegraph. ^ 
 
 
 iUA^tm 
 
 * 
 
 l»«f*. 
 
 I 
 
 
 [^ 
 
 ■ 
 
 
 i 
 
 ■ 
 
 Hi' 
 
 
 It 
 
 1 
 
 B]:; j 
 
 ' ■ m' 
 
 !™ ' 1 
 
 
 -1, 
 
 l ^ 
 
 
80 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 Those mysterious knockings at Roches- 
 ter, my hearers, are not produced by visi- 
 tors from the land of spirits. They are, 
 in my opinion, nothing more nor less than 
 Canada knocking at the door of the TJuion 
 for admission. But this is a world of 
 knocks and knockings. We knock about, 
 knock down, and knock up, in it. There 
 is one knock, however, to which we must 
 all knock under, at last — that is Death's 
 knock at the door of the heart. That rap 
 of his cannot be mistaken ; therefore, when 
 HE tunks, be prepared to budge without a 
 murmur. So mote it be ! 
 
 NIGHT : ITS INFLUENCE ON THE 
 PASSIONS. 
 
 Text.— Oh. fly with me ! 'tis passion's hour ; 
 The world is gone to sleep ; 
 And nothing wakes in brake or bower 
 
 Bnt those who love and weep : 
 This is the golden time and weather, 
 When songs and sighs go out together, 
 And minstrels pledge the rosy wine 
 To lute like this, and lips like thine ! 
 
 My Hearers : although night furnishes 
 food for melancholy, it ilso brings with it 
 fooder for fancy. Have you not, many a 
 time and oft, sat and <ihawed thft end of 
 imagination, upon a warm summer's even- 
 ing ,when the moonbeams danced on the 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 81 
 
 waters, Slept on the bank, quicksilvered 
 the trees, and cut various other romant'c 
 
 Z^toneaf fr'"'^'^ necessaryTl^^ 
 mentioned f* I know you have : and have 
 you not felt, at passion's witching hour 
 sensations, remarkable-unaccountable^ 
 such as never lay in the power of davlio-ht 
 to produce ? Whence tf ey come, oTwhit 
 .the cause, is more than I, or any other pht 
 losopher, can determine to a certainty • but 
 we all should know that moonshhat ' pos^ 
 Besses avast power over mankind at laS-ge 
 and young lovers specially ^ ' 
 
 My friends: the author of our text it 
 seems would wish somebody ta fiy with 
 him 'on such anight,' when 'the moon 
 made everything as light as a cork.' There 
 ffff if ^^,/.^^S9nable doubt in the world 
 tni^s%fli\'^^^'^ ^^^^' ^^* Cheques 
 My humb e opinion is, that if he undertook 
 the would succeed just about as well as 
 ho mgger did who unperched himself from 
 an apple tree with a couple of goose's wines 
 
 fmrr? ""^^'^-T'^^ P^"°^^ themselves 
 for an extensive flight, which is accomplish- 
 ed, generally, in a little less than three- 
 quarters of a thought; but when the pro- 
 pnetor of our text asks another to fly with 
 •11 in, .ae only conclusion that I can draw 
 or pull out, IS, that he is eudeavorino- to 
 
 
 
 
 ij art*: 
 ■* '■*^' 
 
DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 come a game — and yet one in wliicli there 
 is a poor look for success on his part. 
 
 My dear friends : the next portion of our 
 text speaks of the world having gone to 
 sleep. Yes, the world has ^one to sleep — 
 with one eye ; the other is wide open. The 
 eye that looks out from China is always 
 wide awake, while the American optic is 
 soundly sealed with the soporific prepara- 
 tion of Somnus. Our two hemispheres can 
 never be allowed to sleep both at once — 
 one must be on the watch while the other 
 enjoys its rest ; but I will leave Nature to 
 look after these things : she is one of those 
 straight-up-and-down old women that sees 
 everything is correct, without making the 
 slightest fuss. 
 
 Our text informs us, too, my friends, that 
 nothing is awake in * brake or bower, but 
 those who love and weep.* I know very 
 well that bats and owls are about, at th(!se 
 times, and have their eyes wide open ; but 
 whether they love and weep, or love with- 
 out weeping, is a question that remains to 
 be decided by somebody who pretends to 
 know more than he can well manage. The 
 inventor of the text to my present discourse 
 also admits us into the idea that a moon- 
 lio-ht night is a ' golden time.' It has some- 
 what of a silvery look, we all know ; but, 
 
 , 1 J... 
 
 ^•b f\ ITk ^^ .. 1.0 Vl *"* ^k 
 
 -rx- 
 
 r--* #■■■ ■«■■ w m ' m r 
 
 inci 
 
 fi. 
 
 r\-t* nn ot 
 
 VI^'i^x ■^■tr- 
 
 HERE, nor shed there; yet, *the poet' 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS 83 
 
 possess not the faculty to seS-and we ar ' 
 
 ^wuhthrS::"'""^"' ^« --^"o-^ 
 
 No «„Z-*'h,r.L^ !^^8o out together.' 
 
 No »onjr;has-the--sSrpirt o^riurfod'c^lo 
 
 enc^^^ijt lu the human bosom whichiim 
 one u^-stands, and for which noneTe 
 tends to account. The brain gives ^tsefun 
 to reflection-the 8weet v.aters of hX ? 
 spout fortb from the f^untl n of lov/^^^^^^ 
 8jmpathy-4a rich cr^am rises upoi/thf 
 niilk of human kindness ; and in sX nf 
 ourselves, we feel inclined towards cXif / 
 mercy, benevolence^nd love We fe 
 know whether t were better to sil oA^fi 
 -so we do a little at both, w! IZto 
 drive dull care away,' and sigh to^nk 
 that our singing is but of little avail ^t 
 this nocturnal sighing ig, most ffonerall^'' 
 m consequence of wounds inflict^eTS^J^ 
 
 t^upid Brethren, beware of hkn '-also nf 
 
 } 
 
 / 
 
 f 
 
 X 
 
 
 , SI" <! 
 
 f 
 
 
 V*»t* 
 
 kJI 
 
 ,/ 
 
!- , :i 
 
 84 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 ON MAKING AN EFFORT. 
 
 Text.— If bad be your prospects, don't sit still and 
 
 cry, 
 But jump up and say to yourself—* I will try.' 
 
 My Hearers: the above text — as the man 
 said of his fiddle — was made out of my own 
 head. Perhaps he and I are wooden- 
 headed contemporaries ; but whether he be 
 dead or alive — whether the sap still circu- 
 lates in his wooden caput or not, is nothing 
 to me ; no jealousy shall exist, on my part, 
 as to who has produced the better article— 
 I acknowledge mine bad, and know that 
 his could not have been much better. 
 Nevertheless, I intend the text (and the 
 sermon as well) shall go down, without 
 the aid of an onion or ingenious eloquence. 
 It is as homely as the toad that has a jew- 
 el in his head, and everyway forbidding in 
 make as the chesnut buiT which contains 
 as sweet and wholesome a nut as Nature 
 ever knew how to manufacture. Yes, 
 friends, in this rough text of mine is to be 
 found any quantity of the seeds of wisdom 
 and instruction ; but, if you don't shell 
 them out for yourself, somebody else will 
 take them, or they will remain upon 
 fli£» -navATif fvpp fill flror>r)ed bv the frosts 
 
 It." j."-* 1- £■ - - 4/ 
 
 to be rotted upon the ground. 
 My fi'iends : you don't know what you 
 
 swamps 
 
 dreame( 
 
 case : e 
 
 took wii 
 
 temple 
 
 the des: 
 
 perched 
 
 than ac( 
 
 tainly si 
 
 a squat, 
 
 flapped 1 
 
 a northe 
 
 to be th( 
 
 warrant 
 
 fied for i 
 
 country 
 
 Then 
 
 Yoi 
 
 From 
 
 My dei 
 
 ai c 
 
 
 gloomy a 
 sit down 
 take ent 
 
t)OW's PATENT SERMONS. 85 
 
 can do till you try. Make a decided ef- 
 fort ; and, like a young robin, when first 
 sent from its nest, you will accomplish a 
 j^eat deal more than you ever expected 
 Don't sit crying and chirping, like said ju-* 
 venile fledgling, but make a start for some 
 high tree of pop(u)larity, and you will fly 
 over more hedges, bushes, ditches and 
 swamps than you would possibly have 
 dreamed of at the outset. Now, in my 
 case : some years ago my ambitious spirit 
 took wing for the highest pinnacle upon the 
 temple of Fame. Though I didn't reach 
 the desired elevation, you find me here 
 perched in a ^ pulpit— and that is better 
 than accomplishing nothing ! which I cer- 
 tainly should have eff'ected had I not made 
 a squat, given a hop, spread my wings, and 
 flapped away, like a sea-gull in the lace of 
 a northeaster. Aspire, my young brethren, 
 to be the president of a college, and I will 
 warrant that you shall, at least, be quali- 
 fied for the guidance and command of a 
 country school, where you will be 
 
 The monarch of all, great and small— 
 Your right none shall dare to dispute; 
 
 From the centre all round ta the wall 
 i^ou'il be lord of the fool and the brute. 
 
 My dear friends : when your prospects 
 are oeeioudcd, and the Future looks as 
 gloomy as a goose pasture in August, don't 
 sit down and allow dread despondency to 
 take entii-e possession of youi- spirita. 
 
 T-k- '■ ■ s 
 
 Jy.4 w 
 
 
 :r ^-1 
 
 ■-•ja 
 
86 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 Never come to the conclusion that you pos- 
 sess not the power to do this or that, but 
 rouse up and say 'I'll try.' With the 
 steam of perseverance and a decided deter- 
 mination, you will work wonders — perhaps 
 to your own utter astonishment. Place 
 confidence in yourselves — have faith like a 
 grain of mustard seed ; and, if you don't 
 actually remove mountains, you^ will de- 
 molish molehills, which seemed like moun- 
 tains in your way. Ofi" with your coats, 
 ye lazy, mildewed, moth-eaten sons of sloth, 
 and TRY to do something. Spit upon your 
 hands— lay hold of the rope of Faith — let 
 Hope give you a boost — and you will climb 
 farther iip towards honorable distinction, 
 prosperity, happiness and heaven, by many 
 hundreds of feet, than you could ever get 
 by crying for help from your selfish brother 
 mortals. ^ Remember that Hercules will 
 never assist those who do not try to help 
 themselves. Not a bit of it. He is not 
 quite so green. 
 
 My hearers : he that seeketh shall find, 
 as has been written of old ; and he that 
 trieth shall accomplish more than was ever 
 dreamed ot in his phiWophy, as ought to 
 have been written years ago, when Moses 
 and Aaron were schoolmates. If there is 
 anybody in this non-understandable world 
 that deserves whipping up and made to do, 
 it is he who throws himself fiat upon his 
 back at every slight unfavorable turn of the 
 
DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 87 
 
 wind and tide of fortune, and whines *I 
 can't.' Oh, for a lash, to make such fel- 
 lows jump higher than sturgeons on the 
 North River. Let this be your motto: 
 • Whatever man has done, man may do.' 
 Place your goal as far ahead as you can see 
 with a forty-double-and-twisted-power tele- 
 scope—keep pulling for it, like a camel for 
 water over the sandy deserts of Arabia; 
 and, my word for it, you shall have the sat- 
 isfaction of knowing, in the end, that 
 ifyou haven't got all that you wanted, 
 you have attained more than you could 
 have reasonably expected. So mote it be ! 
 
 THE VALUE OF LEARNING. 
 
 Text.— When land is gone, and money spent, 
 Then learning is most excellent. 
 
 My Hearers : you might infer, perhaps, 
 from the tenor of our text, that land moves 
 off— cuts its stick — absquatulates ; but it is 
 no such thing. There may happen occa- 
 sionally a little slide of a sand-bank ; or the 
 sinking of an island ; or land may be in- 
 undated by a flood ; yet it never goes far. 
 It is you, who, by indiscretion, extrava- 
 gance, or misfortune are compelled to leave 
 your lands — not your lands you. They 
 are exactly, generally speaking, where they 
 
 *i ,1/ 
 
 «■.,*! 
 
 
 IB; , 
 
 
\ niw,r»' 
 
 88 
 
 row's PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 were, and there will they ever remain ,• and 
 still you have the effrontery to say tiiey 
 are gone, have left you, * without just cause 
 or provocation!' As well mij,'ht Adam 
 and Eve have said, when kicked out of 
 EdoT , that Paradise had left them for no 
 fault of theirs. O, ye silly hoobies ! know 
 ye that you may inherit land; but, to keep 
 it, you must be as industrious as ants, and 
 vi^'ilant as roosters. 
 
 My hearers: money is moving stuff, 
 hard to hold. It slips from between the 
 thumb and finger like a watermelon-seed 
 —travels without legs, and flies without 
 w;iigg. Strive your best to hold fast to th o 
 IjlthT lucre. Though it be called 'the 
 it oL i>f all evil,' cling to it, and it will prove 
 a iiuthful friend in the time of need. No 
 matter how honest, h<jw righteous, or how 
 pious a man may be, if he lack the ' one 
 thmg needful,' he will be shunned as thouc^h 
 he were infected with the small-pox. iSo, 
 brethren, endeavor to have a few pennies 
 in your pockets, at all times, over and above 
 your honest debts, for the sake of your own 
 dear selves ; and, for the sake of mine, put 
 as much as you can possibly afford in the 
 hat every Sunday. I won't mind if you 
 contribute a little more than your circum- 
 stances will permit; but I advise you not 
 JS/*^ i^- i ^ell you of a truthful proverb : 
 Money makes the mare to go,' and the 
 preacher, too ; but look out for yourselves 
 
DOW'S PATENT SEEMOKS. 8D 
 
 first and the proaolier afterwirr^g v 
 admimster of moral truthsl"^ ^X 
 
 could you do Zul?tLfZuufl~^^^''' 
 -a small amount of eduent,-:^; ■<."''''"'"» 
 to swear by ? I «„ ,no^! v^' ^ "' ??""«'' 
 
 thatheavenlf land of ^oX wS 1 Solo' 
 mon obtained the marvellou Imount of 
 gold required to build his wo.idrous timn?f 
 -where the virgin article clings to iS 
 m huge masses to be knocked onl J^ 
 sWg^e-hammer-where it "r'olfs ^^Xt 
 o&ik 3? "' ""<=? ^"'-S"' than pieces 
 
 omet^lds f « I k™^"^^' ^Whires and 
 will forthwith Vocee/tr-Thr'^?' I 
 Ophir^andther^rakt^^rtu^^^ti^um;' 
 thahhLtnS' ii tiTe 'p^'™.^-' *° ''«>'"^« 
 
 -j^thjrndch^-jrj-^^^^^^^^^^^ 
 
 10. And a river 
 water the garden : 
 parted, and became 
 
 went out of Eden to 
 and from thence it waa 
 into four heads. 
 
 it.* 
 
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 IMAGE EVALUATION 
 TEST TARGET (MT-S) 
 
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 US 
 US 
 
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 lis 12.0 
 
 IL2I IIIU. 11.6 
 
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 Hiotographic 
 
 Sciences 
 Corporation 
 
 23 WIST MAIN STREET 
 
 WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580 
 
 (716)873-4503 
 
 7 
 
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90 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 11. The name of the first is Pison: that 
 IS it which compasseth the whole land of 
 Havilah, where thebe is gold. 
 
 12. And the pold of thai land IS good : 
 there is bdellium and onyx- stone. 
 
 But bear in mind, brethren, thatalthough 
 the gold of that land was good, it proved to 
 be of no earthly use to our first parents. 
 They were compelled, after all, to work for 
 a living ; and so all of you who are so crazy- 
 set for this new El Dorado will find, eventu- 
 ally, that you must dig for potatoes as well 
 as for gold. 
 
 My hearers : dig in the mines of wisdom 
 and knowledge. There treasures lie buiied 
 beyond the comprehension of all common 
 mortals. Dig diligently, constantly and 
 perseveringly, and you will discover more 
 gold, pearls and diamonds than of which 
 there is promised in scripture. A little 
 learning is better than gold, at times. Get 
 that, and you acquire much — without it, 
 you are doomed and damned. But, friends, 
 take hold of the plough — apply the spade 
 — do anything rather than dig gold in 
 California. Get wisdom, as I have said 
 before — get that, and you are safe. So 
 mote it be ! 
 

 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 91 
 
 TIME, TIDE A^^^ TOE PBlNTmo 
 
 to-ThatTtae^and Tide, and e,. the P,„„„, 
 """La"^" ™''' "'"^""■■y 103 been 
 
 rapidity of a l^comoHvr '°°«f "'"» ">e 
 
 minutes to Sire s^""""'"?, "^ « few 
 or to gather o.onJlf?'''' P"='' «liemes, 
 
 Kapidly, O mpWl^^ "' <^''«'- '» -motion, 
 through tu; e?e,.va'rvi?,r °"""'* S^d* 
 
 ae<"£!V^-Xte 
 
 should know Th'^Brr"" "'*!"='•' yo" all 
 of Death speeds ^.^ni^^P"^ messenger 
 without redd t?H?» " ''/"'y "^"'aSd, 
 
 f rv with what astonishing veiocitv iff*^ 
 
 oi loiith!— from Youth to the 
 
 aw***"* 
 
 c*2 
 
 .f3a 
 
 i '^ii^ 
 
 
 ;|S, 
 
 
 i 
 
 y 
 
 <• 
 •i 
 
 ] • 
 
92 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 "' 'III 
 
 green territory of Manhood ! — from Man- 
 hood to the barren, but not altogether 
 blossomless, regions of Age! — and, from 
 Age to that country about which you nor 
 I, my brethren, can know nothing for a 
 certainty until we are transported thither 
 to see and judge for ourselves ! You will 
 all soon reach the goal, or rather the place 
 of embarkation for another and, I trust, a 
 happier world : but don't be too sure of its 
 . being a happier one — it may, perhaps, turn 
 out like Patrick's slaughtered pig — not so 
 good as he expected, andhe always thought 
 so. Therefore, prepare yourselves to make 
 it good unto you. Cease swearing; stop 
 cheating ; renounce hypocrisy ; restrain 
 evil passions; discard the devil ; say your 
 prayers; do as much good as you can ; Ic"^ 
 everybody — your enemies included— 
 the fair sex in particular. By so doi^,^, 
 Time will take you smoothly and gently 
 over the rough, corduroy road that leads to 
 the grave, and you will entertain no fears 
 of an awful Future — no more than I ap- 
 prehend a ten sixpence being found in the 
 contribution box, which will shortly be 
 passed about. 
 
 My friends : who can stay the Tide that 
 ebbs and flows as regularly as the pendu- 
 lum that swings? or say unto it, with any 
 effect, * Thus far shalt thou come, and no 
 farther — and be darned to ye ?' No one. 
 Tides are moved by the moon, and the help 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 93 
 
 of the Almighty ; and, allow me to ask 
 you can you swerve the course of Natuie ? 
 Not a jot. When the tide is ready to ebb 
 It WILL recede, without reference to the 
 launching of a ship, or the setting sa^iin ' 
 of a schooner. Consequently, ytu m ^3! 
 take the opportunity of i favomble thle and 
 never expect that tl,e tide is to wait a mo- 
 mentforyou; because, if you do voiilZ 
 sure to be left behind, like a late p^J^^^^^ 
 
 says ' TW i.; .^.' "^.i?"^^"^ ^^^^^^P-" 
 y\ 7 , IS a tide m the affairs of men 
 which, taken at the flood, leads on to fo?-' 
 tune.' We know this very well • but hnw 
 many are there of you, my bretiirpn tl 
 get a little too late L C W andire' 
 therefore, obhged to fish upon the ebb f 
 
 but'to^S'lT^'r^' that you ^catch nothin. 
 but toad-fish, gudgeons, and all such worth! 
 
 W '^t ' ^''T'' ^^^ y«^ thrown your 
 hook out while the young flood of fortune 
 was setting in,you might have caugh?mo?e 
 gold and silver fishes than you wSuld wJn 
 
 poT 'B^t^if vr%^^- \'^ -^'Slo dfs'! 
 ?i f'.i -^^l* " 7^^ think, my dear friends 
 that the tide is going to wait for you on 
 any occasion, you are just about aB much 
 deceived as was the expiring drunkard wbn 
 declared that Death Lull not S his 
 
 like a gentirmran? ^ ""^ '""'"'^ ''''' ^^^ 
 My dear friends: the Printing Press, as 
 
 fi 
 
 
 
 
94 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 iflt 
 
 well as time and tide wait for no man, It 
 is the distributor of intelligence to all, at 
 home and abroad. Therefore, if you have 
 any communications to make, hurry them 
 up hot and hasty, like buckwheat cakes at 
 any of our cheap eating-houses ; otherwise 
 the small modicum of your vast knowledge 
 which you are desirous of contributing to 
 the world, may be left behind to moulder 
 in oblivion. The Printing Press must 
 move at its appointed time ; and I would 
 have you all to know that the Sunday 
 Mercury Press, which does me the honor 
 of printing my sermons, is ever upon the 
 move, and none can stop it. The Sunday 
 Mercury is a paper conducted with genius, 
 talent,journeymen, and a clever apprentice. 
 Subscribe to it, and I will subscribe to every 
 rational requirement of yours, besides giv- 
 ing you a push towards temporal and ever- 
 lasting happiness. So mote it be ! 
 
 GREENNESS OF MORTAL FLESH. 
 
 Text.— The rose ia red— the violet's Lhie— 
 The grass is green— aud so are you. 
 
 My Hearers : in Flora's beautiful empire, 
 we find roses of every hue— from snowy 
 white to the brightest damask — even as we 
 mortals vary in complexion from chalk to 
 chai'coal ; yet when a rose pictured upon our 
 
 mind, i 
 
 we spe; 
 
 preseni 
 
 to behc 
 
 led and 
 
 the sou 
 
 top at i 
 
 the um 
 
 always 
 
 never ii 
 
 delight, 
 
 tell you 
 
 of the f 
 
 Earth t 
 
 appeara 
 
 blood in 
 
 you to i 
 
 My d 
 
 whitenei 
 
 as grass 
 
 dant as 
 
 Good B( 
 
 be loppe 
 
 old man. 
 
 big swat 
 
 him now 
 
 one in tl 
 
 CLINK-C: 
 
 to an I 
 meant fo: 
 you, Mr. 
 young Ti 
 you are a 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 95 
 
 mind, it is always painted red; and, when 
 we speak of a manor woman, imagination 
 presents us with a portrait comel/and faiV 
 
 \^J."!:f^' •!?"* ^^" violet-whether oral 
 ledand smihng, m some warm valley of 
 the south, or crying upon a cold mountain 
 top at the north-is for ever blue-blue as 
 the unclouded sky above us. Yes. it Tb 
 always blue-' blue as a razor'-thouc^h 
 
 Sr TW '^' '^- 'P* seennngly wilh 
 delight. That grass is green, I need not 
 tel you, notwithstanding there are portions 
 
 Eaith that wear a yellow, foded and dingy 
 appearance. But why Nature puts grefn 
 blood into gras3. and red into beets, I leave 
 
 My dear friends : with all your fancied 
 whiteness and ripeness, you are as green 
 as grass that grows in the shade-as ver- 
 dant as leeks. You are but flesh ; and the 
 Good Book says that all flesh is grass, to 
 be lopped down, sooner or later, by that 
 old man.mower, Time, who cuts a mighty 
 big swath as he goes. Methinks I hea^ 
 him now whettmg his fatal .cythe for some 
 onem this congregation -—clink-clank 
 CLINK-CLANK! Oh, how ominous the souud 
 mno f/PP""^^^??' ^® ^^^- Perhaps it is 
 ^ou M^^r"^ «1^ ^l^ite Clover-heL-for 
 you, Mv. ivieadow-grass— or even for vnn 
 
 Se'^L^'''^' I^r'-no oddstoTi^; 
 you aie aU grass, and green, no matter how 
 
 
 j^mQI 
 
 
 
 »r'^ 
 
96 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 old — and you will each alike make accepta- 
 ble fodder for Death. 
 
 My friends : how green is youth ! What 
 verdure crowns the head of a boy of eigh- 
 teen ! The basement of his heart is carpeted 
 with the lichens of innocence, while from 
 its upper story windows look out and laugh 
 the opening flowers of self-importance and 
 worldly ambition. Mark the country blade. 
 He comes to this great city of sin, semi- 
 godliness, seduction and roguery, to * see 
 the sights.' He is as fresh as a toadstool 
 and full of sap as the maples of his own na- 
 tive Vermont. Like a silly fish, he bites 
 at almost any alluring bait, unsuspectful 
 of the barbed hook concealed within — lis- 
 tens to the song of the syren to his sorrow 
 — allows himself to be taken in and done 
 for by pocketbook droppers, watch stuffers, 
 mock auctioneers, and thimble riggers — 
 and then gets home the best way he can ; 
 there to relate the sad history of his 
 * wrongs' to the green grasshoppers around 
 him, that never hopped out of sight of the 
 ancestral sheep-pen. Oh, adolescence! 
 thy greenness is refreshing to sore eyes ; 
 but hasten not to mature too rapidly, lest 
 thou becomest rotten ere thou ripenest. 
 
 My brethren : you who call yourselves 
 men, in the full prime and vigor of life : 
 you, who make it your boasts that you are 
 too well acquainted with the traps and 
 snares of the world to be caught with chaff 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 97 
 
 -let me toll you that you often eYl,;K;f 
 verdancy that would do hono>- tJ. tu 1 " 
 footed boy that thrtr- horseitt' ^r 
 
 n.y ambit:on4re'tef '^nr "To"u- 
 stock-gamble— vou barfpv """^7*, J^ou 
 
 ail upon the chJnoes of a'tl.^";. "•^^ ?->*■ 
 often does it turn out that yono'cin^",'! 
 -can I say unfortunate-aevUsaienhi?^ I 
 to turn your faees homewai^ wj^out '^f 
 two coppers in your pockets to Se fo? 
 pretension 3 sake Full ■,-„,„„ •'=■ '""^ 
 ■remember the labie of feX" !ZtfT' 
 
 t::-^Z'^' greedy anima ^oppe/hS 
 bone in the water to secure a m^e to if 
 and then had to go home minus bonus as 
 they say m Latin-moitifiedin freZ„ ' a 
 sheepish in looks. However mv3' "^ 
 antediluvian : it is coeval wSh^t^™^" 
 It 18 in man's nature, and no chemilS 
 moral process has ever been dWei^"!?; 
 which it can be wholly extrn^fo^ w ? 
 inother Eve green wh^Swed^lSf 
 
 veidanfc to place implicit confidence in n 
 brot^r TeSptwl'ia ^^1""*'''-^ 
 
 ,■ , • "i 
 
 
 
 '^' 
 
 1 
 
 
 tt' 
 
 e^ 
 
 
 '(" •■> 
 
 .ft 
 
 
 ;' ' 
 
 .a 
 
98 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 My hearers: men not frequently arriv. 
 at a * green old age.' Yes, they often read 
 the years of threescore and ten with al 
 their greenness as fresh upon them as whe 
 they first started upon life's boisterous 
 career. But it is not for me to blame. Yon 
 are just as Heaven has made jou ; andfai 
 be it from me to undertake an improvement 
 upon what the hand Divine has moulded 
 according to his will. I would not poin 
 that finger of scorn at you— which, by th 
 way, has got a ra g on it— for an interest ir 
 Backhempstead Lighthouse. All I hope o 
 you is, that you will try so to conduct your 
 selves during your allotted time upon earth 
 that Old Nick shan't have it to say, at last 
 that he has more green monsters m his ne 
 than he knows how to dispose of, under an 
 circumstance. So mote it be ! 
 
 FUTURE EVENTS. 
 
 Text. ~ There's a foiint about to stream. 
 There's a light about to beam, 
 There's a warm about to glow. 
 There's a flower about to blow. 
 
 My Hearers : what the poet meant whe 
 he informs us that there is a fount aboi 
 to stream, is more than I can tell for ace 
 tainty. It cannot be that he has refereni 
 to our Bowling Green fountain; for wh( 
 
 that st 
 
 failing 
 
 by the 
 
 charity 
 
 heart ol 
 
 was ab( 
 
 and tha 
 
 sure to 
 
 from hi( 
 
 Myfr 
 
 th era SSI 
 
 to beam 
 
 plumply 
 
 the recij 
 
 bi'illiantj 
 
 all his ] 
 
 ideas wil 
 
 sanctum 
 
 saw are e 
 
 returning 
 
 come in 
 
 friends, > 
 
 soft-plast 
 
 planets, i 
 
 constellat 
 
 the monk 
 
 ling of a 
 
 possibly 1 
 
 second lin 
 
 My deal 
 
 pugilistic 
 
 a warmth j 
 
 weather be 
 
MONS. 
 
 fqucntly arrivf 
 
 ley often reach 
 
 ten with all 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 99 
 
 that streams ao-ain vmi «,^ 
 
 failing waters to flni^f ^""^ ^^P^«* "ever- 
 
 ,.^ byth! sidewnlko^^'rfPp^^^ bricks 
 
 them as when charity to burst Vorth from Vl 'P^\"?« of 
 e's boisterou J heart of a miser I « L^n^ V'^ P^^"fied 
 bo blame. Yoii was about to have asPf? '•n''''''''''^^' h« 
 and fni and that a crimson stream T^T""' ^"«' 
 sure to flow eitW f.^L t^ "^"""^^ «oon be 
 
 to beam. We all know ! %" "^ '? ' "^""^ 
 Pjnmpl^ pla^tfi .'^ ore's pep^jfw'nl""'^^'- 
 the recipient to see stnr« f v?l • ' ''''"«« 
 brilliantly illuminated I' •'™" '''" ^e 
 
 s^ou; 
 
 1 improvement 
 I has mouldec 
 uld not point 
 -which, by tht 
 
 an interest ii 
 
 All I hope o 
 conduct your 
 
 ne upon earth wiuuuntiy illuniinat^P^ f^., „ '"" "'"^ "^ 
 to say, at last all his nWXauiet .. J^ "^^T?"*' ^^^ 
 .ters in his ne] ideas will keep upl ollv rl'^'";^^^^^^^ 
 Bof,underan. sanctum of tfe ?ouV?fcVa^.f^^ 
 i ! saw are extinguished in fhT 3 f *^^* ^« 
 
 returning realn 'Did yot he^'l"'''' "^ 
 come in sudden anrl ^.^.i x^^^^ ^ever 
 
 friends, with a harder s^^^^^^^ "^^ 
 
 soft-plastered wall) «L , ^*^''''^' ^^^7 a 
 
 planets, the altero ds th^^ V.^nv^" '^'^ 
 constellations the mv>^'f h !f ^^^^es, the 
 the monkey and tii?2 ^^^'\ ^^^ httlebear, 
 ling of a b^ootjli^'''ffl^^ ii^^^^ 
 possibly understand M ' • ^^^ n^ay 
 
 second lin^of our text ' ^^^^^^ of the 
 My dear friends: when von nomm-^n-^- . 
 pugihsQc encounter, you ieel tW TiT^"".'^ 
 a warmth about tog ow rL.f! *\"''fj« 
 weather be cold eno'ugrtol^^iolrether 
 
 TS. 
 
 tream, 
 eani, 
 2;low, 
 blow. 
 
 t meant whe 
 a fount aboi 
 I tell for a ce 
 has refereni 
 ainj forwh( 
 
 ii 
 
 «<» 
 
 
 n«« 
 
 - m i if,'* 
 
 I?: Is*-'* ' 
 
100 
 
 POW'S PATENT SEllMONS. 
 
 of FiilaninTKlcrs, ns soon nH your rbonczor 
 bci^Mim to rise, yon feel oh wnriii ns the lower 
 joint of n Rtovo-pipo. Tlum you are ready 
 to do mischit'f— to either llax out your op- 
 ponent, or ^nve nnture special fits in the 
 undortiilcinrr. This fit,'htinff is warm work, 
 while it hists. By some it is considered 
 pood exercise, Ix^cause it tends to solidify 
 the fat, harden the constitution and all the 
 amendmonta, to strenp^tlien the muscles, 
 find the claws, too, if any have been eaten 
 at breakfast or dinner ; but, for my part, 
 sooner than resort to anytliing of the kind 
 for exercise, honor or fjjlory, I would get 
 on all-fours and buck with a six-year old 
 bellwether. 
 
 By the flower that is about to blow, is 
 meant the blue blossom that generally ap. 
 pears somewhere in the neighborhood of 
 the eye soon after the commencement of 
 hostilities, and remains in bloom long after 
 the spurious laurels that may have been 
 gathered for the brow are faded and gone. 
 It is a modest flower, but wanting in sweet 
 fragi-ance— not planted by the hand of 
 Providence— but by a mortal fist, without 
 charge for services. 
 
 Now, my hearers, let us look at the text 
 in a literal lii^ht. ' There's a fount about 
 to stream.' This means that, since Winter 
 Las abdicated histhrone and vamosed, every 
 river and stream now held in bondage will 
 bm'st its chains, kick oflf its icy shackles, 
 
DOW'S PATENT SEEM0N3. 101 
 
 •md speed on its way I„„^;hi„g, sin^ine re 
 
 it3poacemiboo?;rjFkc;:^^,/cfc„'rii^ 
 
 door ol a tin-slioi). Such is wl ..f ^ , " 
 stood l>v the fou.it about to st o*un • ^"'^It' 
 
 lire online buildTn,. at thJ Uuio^' '' " '^^^ 
 
 Ihore s a light about to beam-' in.l fi • 
 igh . my friends, i. boou to be s^^en in the 
 bewitching sniilo of the lovely yfr-^n 
 bpring, Anon, and she will be hlo inf.\' 
 and nurse the infant flowerets now LaW 
 from a decently-lonL' n-m nn/i riv^ "^» 
 their little ha„/s J^pS trtt^'tep? 
 
 nuuvyr wuicn. les, hero is a better lit^hf 
 aboiit to beam upon us. and plenty oF^t 
 Those cloud-shutters, that now so drrken 
 the windows of the sky, must be thrown 
 open, and a cloud of sunshine come down 
 
 Th^n i-|Si^htT.tert:se^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 
 
 t img starting from the ground as if kJ 
 tlie power of some magic wand f y7 
 everything will then coine J and bTdf' 
 dance and flourish in tliP Wf ■'' 
 
 vennl lin-hf "" . f" ^^ the lite-renewing 
 
 Sdii^s sknnl'^'^ T'^^P^' ^^'tichokes: 
 thy foad'tio] ^Tf^^.Se, clover, timo- 
 
 ."mir^ y^^^' vvoodchucks, tumble-buo-q 
 
 llf buSno.'^"^ ^^?' ^^^ allThat n?^ 
 
 - ' 7 
 
 1 
 
 
 fmm 
 
 
 !« ij,„ * 
 
 f i 
 
102 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 • There's a warmth about to glow;* so 
 prepare ye, with straw hats and summer 
 toggery, to meet it. There is a perspirin.T 
 time a-coming to give you a foretaste of 
 what you may have to sip at hereafter, in 
 a chmate as much hotter than tliis as this 
 18 hotter than the north of Greenland. 
 Well, let it come— T hope it will sweat some 
 of your old musty sins out of you, and make 
 room for fresh ones, more refined, and more 
 < in accordance with the faaliions of the day 
 and the customs of the age. 
 
 As regards the * flower about to bloom,' 
 I don't know which among ten thousand 
 to designate; we'll callit the jextiphalan- 
 THROPOSAGos, or 'the fuU-budded Betsy,' 
 and let it pass. It is of no great conse- 
 quence, any way. 
 
 In a metaphorical sense, my friends, the 
 'fount about to stream* is the fountain of 
 Virtue, that, hereafter, is to be kept play- 
 ing all the while, to beautify the park o' 
 society and purify the moral atmosphere 
 of the world. It will be opened as soon as 
 Church-street and the Five Points are pre- 
 pared to appreciate its beauties and benefits 
 ' The light about to beam' is the blaze of 
 Truth, that has been smothered for ages 
 by the smoke and ashes of Error : but it is 
 soon to burst forth and illuminate the whole 
 earth, from pole to pole— from the be- 
 nigxited Indies of the East to the equally 
 dark Oregon of the West— thanks to the 
 
r>OW's PATENT SERMONS. 103 
 
 lightning telegraph and the patent system 
 ot preaching. And then a warmtR will 
 begin to glow-the warmth of universal 
 friendship and love; and a flower will bo 
 about to blow that shall hold its brightness 
 and freshness for ever. It is the flower of 
 practical Religion, which whispers to us of 
 honesty m all our business transactions, 
 and of gratitude for every heaven-bestowed 
 blessing and favor ; which tells us to pull 
 our neighbor's hair no longer than we 
 would like to have our own pulled; and. 
 above all to pay what you owe to the 
 tailor, the hatter, the shoemaker, the 
 butcher, the pnnter, and the pkeacher. 
 bo mote it be ! 
 
 
 
 A BRIEF DISCOURSE. 
 
 Delivered before the half-civilized inhabitants of 
 Barren Is and , on the twenty-first day of Jan- 
 uary, m the year of the World, according to 
 t^?ee' t^^^^a^iti eight hundred and tifty^ 
 
 Baeren Islanders : to what state you be- 
 long IS a mere matter of surmise to your- 
 selves, to the world, a.id to me; but I can 
 tell you what state you are in, just at pre- 
 
 S-f .• ^''"^ ^, ''. ^^^^^ ^*' ignorance, 
 destitution, wretchedness and wo. You 
 don t live, but somehow manage to keen 
 upon such scripture-forbidden creatures as 
 
 t tA 
 
 I"! 
 
 
 
 
 ir: 
 
 f 
 
 a 1 
 
 
 • 
 
lOi DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 1 1 
 
 hm a clams liorsefoet, eeasi.lls,shitepokes 
 cmnes, bitterns, and owls, without knowiS 
 anytlnng about tl.o comforts of Son 
 roast beef, cln-istianity, and nice cl kl™' 
 ncasees I know that you dij^money here 
 m abundance, buried by such i.n^^„T^ 
 pu-ates upon the hijjh sis s Gibbs and 
 Wanslcy, and others, who have W a" 
 gone, peim.less, to settle with the r Crwb 
 tor and Creator in a world unknown to 
 i mortals: but what use is money to von 
 unless .t can procure you the comuWne 
 cessaneaoflife? liobinson Crusoe fyo,', 
 may not have heard of him,) when cast nno" 
 a desolate island like yours, found h Zelf 
 
 cheese a drink of cider, and a p pe of t" 
 
 necessary to the body's welfare and T don't 
 b"a;r.f :;}1 "7 '°''^}y -ntri;TtogeUo 
 Wken'.fnd^T.rtre^fSiat'^ 
 
 stones m the .^nzzardof a^niiifea.lS ^Yavl 
 moral perceptions are as blunt as the ^nd 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 105 
 
 of a crowbar, and your ideas of thin^rg ;„ 
 general are as stunted as those dwarfish 
 cedars that surround you. Churches, chti^ela 
 and scliool-houses can have here butas fidv 
 
 foundation, at thobest-the Bible, with vo? 
 IS an exotic, and you know no mire uhoni 
 tlieten comaiandments than I do concern- 
 
 otlsiael. Ihe same sun shines upon vou 
 as upon us-at night you are over?anorfied 
 by he same starry firmament, and tSn- 
 partia moon sheds the same beams ^,pon 
 your sheep.pen-looking shanties as uS 
 pur magnificent mansions. Still you crroDo 
 m moral and intellectual darkness Y.n 
 want the lamp of learning to s^how you 
 are situated, and a good d" al of gospelhn 
 o get you upon the right track. SawL"f 
 hat you are comparatively free from vTce 
 but you may thank your wretchodneslfo; 
 will • T^ 'I ^^'* "^^intained amonc the 
 wealthiest and most fashionable of com- 
 mnnities. You are honest, because dish on- 
 esty IS sanctioned. If one of you has ac.r 
 rion crow all nicely cooked for dinner and 
 
 say Oome, you forgive the thicjf, and watch 
 hat'vo,?^-n "."^^^ '". ^•eeiprocate'knowLg 
 
 Natives of Barren Island ; Thouffh von 
 
 Kr^gi vou""^' "t' ^"^ ~-ibTs 
 oe ttw, btill you are no less valuable on such 
 
 i 
 
 : i 
 
 Hi. 
 
 .\a 
 
 ly 
 
 . 1 i 
 
 
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! i 
 
 i.l 
 
 108 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 account. The hand Divine that moulded 
 you, also manufactured me, consequently I 
 am your brother, and as a brother I advise 
 LT %Tu ^y^^ki^g potato whisky and 
 eating fish-hawks-to put bonnets upon the 
 heads of your wives, and shoes upon the feet 
 of your children: in short, to make up your 
 minds to emigrate into a more enlightened 
 land as soon as the sweet damsel Spring is 
 seen to peep from the window of the warn, 
 I sunny south. You must transplant your- 
 selves into our great Gotham, and take 
 
 7h} ^A /T ^ ^"^"^^ *^^^ y^^ liave had 
 the good fortune to dig up. We don't want 
 your money-oh, no! but we wish you to 
 exchange it for what will enrich the mind 
 do justice to the stomach, and respectably 
 dothe the body. You must know that 
 money like manure, is of no earthly use 
 until It IS spread. So speed to New York-- 
 dissemmate there your lucre-learn the 
 ways, manners and customs of its inhabi- 
 tants, and you will become so improved in 
 the course of a few years, tha,t you won't 
 know yom-selvesfrom a regiment of school- 
 masters. 
 
 Outside barbarians ! Perhaps, upon the 
 whole, you had better stay where you are • 
 lor, m old Manhattan, we have refinement 
 so completely refined that it is perfectly 
 1 utten-re iigiuu reduced to politics-yirtu^ 
 crowned with thorns and spit upon, and 
 vice garlanded with the flowers of wealth 
 
 Uli 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 109 
 
 and fashion, but which are wholly with'ine 
 fragrance, and destined soon to decWe, 
 Therefore, Barren Islanders, I advise aqcv 
 to remain in your present position, esp'bns 
 ally as I have just learned that an eleL'ir 
 hotel IS to be erected close by yonder clSmp 
 ot fnghtened cedars in the course of the 
 ensuing spring. Then you will have u new 
 spirit poured out upon you-your ideas of 
 matters and things m general will be ex- 
 alted: you will learn to eat what is eatable, 
 and drink what is drinkable. You will put 
 clean shirts upon your moral characters, 
 new frocks upon your women, and the rod 
 of correction upon your children. Further- 
 more I have no doubt that, in the course 
 ot a few years your now barren, desolate 
 and mosquito-bieeding island will be made 
 to bloom like a Paradise. So mote it be I 
 
 
 
 ON SHADOWS. 
 
 Text— Shadow oft the wedded life ; 
 Every boy must have a wife ; 
 Every maiden will be wed 
 Eager lieart and simple head. 
 Sure of happiness complete ; 
 What a shadow ! what deceit ! 
 When the nuptial link is tied, 
 bhadow husband I shadow bride 1 
 
 My Hearers : what shadows we are, and 
 what shadows we pursue! This exclamation 
 
 »u# 
 
!::l 
 
 lots DOW'S PATENT SEEMONfl. 
 
 acccld and wrinkly; and is, therefore, the 
 yoi:-e worthy of our considerate regard 
 am are nothing but shadows in pursuit of 
 youdows; the Deity is the substance, and 
 
 ?f !i- f r • *^.^* «^^s«f them. When that 
 Is set, the mdividnal shadows are seen no 
 more upon the dial of the earth ; but all is 
 one universal shade. But life itself is a 
 mere shadow ;-a walking shadow, accord- 
 mg to Shakspere-a fleeting shadow, ac 
 icordmg to somebody else; and. accordino- 
 to some other one, it is but the shade of a 
 shadow. Yes, friends, truly 'did the fish- 
 monger remark when he said * Life ia a 
 Bhad! p, how it flies!'-down the stream of 
 time, m the faU of the year, to the eternal 
 ocean. 
 
 My friends: what is caUed wedded life of- 
 
 ten proves to be a delusive shadow to those 
 
 who enter upon it expecting to experience 
 
 thejoys of everlasting happiness-to know 
 
 all about heaven at once, and how angels 
 
 leelon an average: who think they are 
 
 about to enjoy the bliss of a perpetual 
 
 .Tf^' where not a caregnat stings, not 
 
 a flea-tronble bites, and not a sorrow-worm 
 
 spiralizes its way into the core of delight— 
 
 where they can lay oflFin lavendar, and have 
 
 nothing to do but to sport with the golden- 
 
 backed insect moments as they dance lovi- 
 
 ally by— where the rose blossoms thorn- 
 
 lessj where the wheat is gathered chaffless- 
 
 where pleasure is stingless, and where snakes 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 109 
 
 areharmless-where they foolishly imagine 
 they can thrive and grow fat upon love 
 kisses and moonshine! and whe?e Fancy 
 converts hovels into mansions and IdZll 
 
 ft P^^' wi ^'^^^^^ «^^^«^y are aU tS 
 dreams When they get whei-e they want 
 to be the lovely ideal departs like the 
 beauties of a distant landscape, and nought 
 but the cold real remains, i^, when thev 
 have reached the what-looked4o be ParZ 
 di.e, they find it but a common pastur^^ 
 after all, where they must pick and mill fo^ 
 a living, as well as other mortals To tW 
 astomshment they discover that they are 
 m the same old world as before-cuSed bv 
 the same cares-annoyed by thesTmlLJ 
 leties-and deluded ly ZsZTh^^es 
 They soon ascertain that poetry, love and 
 nonsense may answer ver/well%r alunch 
 but beef, pork and potatoes, or sometS 
 
 equally substantial,'^are necessary f^rd^^^^ 
 ^"mildly r^* ''''I'fV^y i«' *^"t t'ey 
 
 ^^dmanissati^^^^^ 
 
 Every boy must have a wife,saTs ourtext 
 True-every boy must have a wife now 
 
 ne IS to do with her. He must have a wife 
 because pa has one; and because the forze 
 upon his chin and a couple of pocketsTn 
 his coat behind proclaim^a mn-and he 
 
 
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ill! 
 
 110 DOW'S PATENT SERMOXS. 
 
 knows that * it is not good for Man to bo 
 alone. He marnes him a wife, my friends 
 a^d in three weeks after, he looks and fcels 
 
 ylVaL'wI^'^^'^'^^^ 
 
 'Every niaiden will be wed '-if she can 
 No sooner has tmie trotted her into hei- 
 teens, and she has shed her short frock 
 than she begins to think about matrimony 
 and the more she thinks about it,themo?e 
 ! she feels-she don't know how-as if «hn 
 would kind o' like, but can't tdl why StW 
 8he dreams of beaux, Cupids, doves,^dart 
 sentimental moonlights, and all such fancy 
 goods. Her pretty little heart fluttersS 
 prison like a butterfly in a bushel basket 
 She sighs for something-'tis nothing of 
 any consequence; for someboby-'tis no 
 body m particular. At last her fond affec- 
 tions are clinched, double-riveted toanob- 
 ject m trousers and stiff shirt collar-sheis 
 iast ; and, as for making her let go von 
 might as well undertake to whistle T^vlve- 
 vine from a white oak. Have him she must 
 
 Sirhero/'^ "'"; ^^^^^^ P-r^"th*e 
 
 grandlather of poverty, as ignorant as a 
 Hottentot, and as odd-looking as a blue 
 pig with a saffron-colored tail." Poor crea' 
 ture ! with ; eager heart and simple head ' 
 she rushes forward to the goal, not only 
 hoping, but actually believing that she 
 will there meet with happinesrunadulter 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. m 
 
 ated with the vile ino-redipTif h i^^n^■ i 
 
 opther in Hymen's double fcames Tk 
 'shadow husband! shadow brde' Tl, » 
 
 :r^=:\£r'?oSSl??- 
 
 s^uld ever fail „pon'^"™.5°:f Sp'of,^. *p''„7 
 
 &a^'.^;^^rsX7'^!^fx^^^^^^ 
 
 most solidiged st'ate^ ^S aSIft^V*? 
 shadows in breeches and %etticm,t» I l' 
 ever crossed my astonished vMon T»f 
 
 glory, wealtf.lnd lame t're but T'^'*'™' 
 n.ere shadows-intansiWe fleetinc T°' 
 ishmg. And the multltud^ otZuiZT 
 
 home. Hence ! dispel, dispersef^aX £ 
 
 ■ •* «!■ mm 
 
 
 
 fiM.M 
 
112 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 RESTLESS MORTALS. 
 
 Text,— In vain I search creation o'er, 
 My spirit finds no rest ; 
 The whole creation is too poor, 
 Too mean to make me blest. 
 
 My Hearers : Heaven Las put tcstless 
 spirits into our bodies, that we may not be 
 satisfied w^ith remaining in the same old 
 ' spot for ever : that we may go forward, seek 
 out new inventions, embark in new enter- 
 prizes, establish new theories, and become 
 more enlightened, greater, wiser, and, con- 
 sequently, wickeder ; but, if we allow our 
 uneasy spirits to wing their way over the 
 world in search of the pure gold of hap- 
 piness in big chunks, they will return to 
 the ark tired and disappointed; for it can 
 only be found in small particles, and mix- 
 ed with sorrowful sand. Now, my little 
 soul is naturally as uneasy in its cage as a 
 partridge in a hencoop, or a dog in the 
 kitchen of his new master.; but, by dint of 
 scolding and cuffing of ears, I compel it to 
 go and lie quietly down in some corner of 
 my heart, and make it appear as though it 
 takes the world and women-folks easy, whe- 
 ther it does or not. I have sailed in the 
 balloon-ship Fancy, over two-thirds, at 
 least, of creation, and I can't find that hap- 
 piness is to be discovered in greater abun- 
 dance in one place than another. There- 
 
EOWs PATENT SEKM0K3. US 
 
 fore, I bid my fido.etv ani,l i,„ 
 
 order it to be aa cZ as it c,^''?''^.*'^^' ^ 
 tennined not to bo JntyVd bV u' ^ "'" *^«- 
 
 the huTuorforIt vZh'tt'''''!'-'^ '» 
 ^villing to gad abroad Ke''fl»\'^'''° 
 ag.nes Itself too weak to prevent it K V'r 
 don t beheve that the flesh ?,ni ' *"" ^ 
 weak a^ it pretends to be It ^^77^ ^ 
 supposable things if it r.„i *™ ?°* ^° "»- 
 jou had rather |o with it f{,!i''°1: S"' ''«. 
 marshes, thickets a^^vevTS '""""P^' 
 pursuit oftheiacWl^nl:! ■'^ '^'^'j"^ '"^'n 
 sedness ! Oryorsillv f"*?'T'i'«''^«<=' Wes- 
 
 what you chasf ? I Va 1 '*'' P^know 
 nothing, that never has be^enfnr'"""' 
 
 ryo'„%rfPrlt\™'"-^^^^^^ 
 
 ».■ find yomt'itt^trZp^i „" r "••^'?.' 
 mdmireofdisapnointinent% '^^ P"<* 
 you wiU-from 6og to Maiw''' ''^^'"' 
 ond of the earth to tlie othef ^r ™'S ?"« 
 bergen to Patagonia- fm™ n '^°'" .^P'*^' 
 ^ast ludies-from Onnr,„ " .P"" *» the 
 nia,andyou will fin? .^f°"V*° ^Jalifor- 
 
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1 14 DOW'S PATENT HjKRMONS. 
 
 can b« enjoyed at home as elsewhere, only 
 you didn't find it out exactly in season. 
 
 My^ hearers : I know very well what you 
 imagine will procure you bliss by the ho'^s- 
 head : it is that wretched, filthy stuff calFed 
 money. This it is that keeps your souls in 
 a flutter, and seta you jumping like a lot of 
 chained monkeys at the sight of a string of 
 fresh fish. You think if you only possessed 
 a certain heap of this lucre, you would lie 
 off in lavender — make mouths at care — say 
 How are ye ? to sorrow — laugh at time, and 
 feel as happy as an oyster in June. O, yes ! 
 if you only had enough of the trash, I ad- 
 mit you might feel satisfied, and, of course, 
 contented; but, in such cdaop, more requires 
 more, (according to DaboU and the devil,) 
 the last more requires most, most wants 
 more yet ; and so on, to the end of ever- 
 lasting. There is no such thing as enough 
 in worldly riches. As well might the sow 
 be supposed to get enough of wallowing in 
 the mire, as for a mortal to be satisfied with 
 3 oiling in the carrion of wealth. So false 
 are your ideas of the means to obtain hap- 
 piness, that you would, if you could, coax 
 angels from the skies to rob them of the 
 jewels in their diadems. I have not the 
 least doubt of it. 
 
 My dear friends : I will tell you how to 
 ,-:r T Qe much bliss as heaven can afford 
 
 to iJ 
 have 
 
 ate 
 
 ■'r.s 
 
 ai 
 
 ng. Be contented with what you 
 natter how poor it is, till you 
 
 I 
 
 m 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 115 
 
 have an opportunity to -efc something bet- 
 ter. Be thankful fov every crumh Hr^f 
 falls from the tnUe of P, ovILeer^nd hve 
 in the constant .-xpectation of having the 
 luck to pitch upon a whole loaf. Have 
 patience to put up with present troubles 
 and console yourselves wfth the idea tlmt 
 your situations are paradises compared 
 with some others When you have en^ough 
 to eat to satisfy hunger-enough to drink 
 
 trZ'V^'f^^T'S^' *^ ^^^r to keep 
 you decent and comfortable-just enough 
 of what IS vulgarly called 'tin' to procure 
 you a few luxuries : when you owe no 
 one, and no one ov^es you, not even a 
 grudge-then, if you are not happy, aU?he 
 gold in the universe can never make you 
 
 Give me neither poverty nor riches ; and I 
 ook upon him as the greatest philosopher 
 that the world ever produced. All he want- 
 ed was CONTENT, sufficient bread and 
 cheese.^ and a clean shirt. Take a pattern 
 after him, O ye discontented mortals, who 
 vainly imagine that bliss alone is to be 
 fc-.nd m the palaros of wealth and opu^ 
 
 My hearers : if you consider all creation 
 nm/r *"! ^^"'^ y^^^ ^ pennyworth of 
 
 icuoneiiud vvitn its poverty. Grease vour 
 prayers with faith, and send them up ?n 
 earnestness, hot from the soul's oven. This 
 
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 116 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 manufacturing cold petitions with the lips, 
 while the heart continually cries Gammon, 
 is no more use than talking Choctaw to a 
 Chinaman. Heaven understands no such 
 gibberish ; it only knows the pure, simple 
 language of the spirit — the soul's vernacu- 
 lar. So, when you pray, do it in as simple 
 a manner as possible, but with red-h^'-; 
 earnestness, and your souls will find rest 
 wherever you are — while nibbling at a crust 
 in poverty- hollow, or half- starving in Cali- 
 fornia while endeavoring to transmogrify 
 a bag of gold-dust into an Indian-pudding. 
 So mote it be. 
 
 HOW TO PASS THE HOLIDAYS. 
 
 Text. — Welcome, welcome again to thy wits. 
 This is a holiday; 
 We'll have no plots nor melancholy fits, 
 liut merrily pass the time away. 
 
 They are mad that are sad ; 
 
 Be ruled by me, 
 And never were two so merry an 
 we. 
 The kitchen shall catch cold no more, 
 We'll have no key on the buttery door, 
 'J he fiddlers shall sing, 
 The house shall ring, 
 
 And the world shall see 
 What a merry couple we will be. 
 With these good things before our sights. 
 Grant us, good Lord, good appetites.' 
 
 My Hearers : here we are, with heel jnst 
 off at Christmas and toe upon New Year's 
 
DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 117 
 
 —up to our middles in the merriments of 
 the hohdays. Now let us enjoy them for 
 both the stomach's and the heart's sake— 
 for the good of both body and soul. Away 
 with melancholy; shut pan upon all un- 
 pleasant recollections; let the past be 
 undisturbed, and the future rest in peace 
 Let us have no gloomy thoughts— no 
 moody fits— nor allow care to kick up a 
 row among the social and festive joys of 
 the present. The wearied and toil-worn 
 mmd calls for relaxation once in a twelve- 
 month, at least ; and, in order that it may ob- 
 tain it, you must first get its lord and master, 
 the belly, into a good humor. Therefore 
 spare not the turkey, neither the wine nor 
 the ale, nor the cake; for these be they 
 that please the inner man, and induce him 
 to grant a holiday to his hard-working 
 eei-vant, the mind; at which the heart is 
 made to dance, and the face of the outer 
 gentleman to glow with gladness. 
 
 My dear friends : wear no sad nor sour 
 looks about these days. Christmas and 
 ^ew Year s come but once while mother 
 JiiEirth performs her annual journey round 
 old father feol : and if, during these visits, 
 you wont take the pains to festoon the 
 lieart with evergreen wreaths, dotted with 
 the iiternal Golden Flowers of Joy, and 
 crook the corners of your mouths a little 
 upward for the occasion, you had better 
 creep into a hollow tree, or burrow up and 
 
 %^ ** 
 
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 '. *^ *s' *« 
 
 W Hi 
 
 .1 
 
 J ;i : in 
 
118 
 
 DOWS PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 lie dormant, like woodchucks, for the win- 
 ter. There is a time for all things, saya 
 the Book of Truth ; anci now is the time to 
 drink, eat, sing, fiddle, dance, and be mer- 
 ry—old folks, young folks, middle-aged, 
 and all. If your pecuniary pouch is in too 
 collapsed a state to admit of your partici- 
 pating in the pleasures of the ball-room, 
 the theatre, the banquet, and the other 
 usual festivities of the season abroad, sit 
 by your own fireside — warm your toes and 
 your stomachs — be of good cheer your- 
 selves, and make cheerful the little circle 
 around you. See that the kitchen catches 
 cold no more for the present ; throw away 
 the kej to the pantry door ; rejoice with 
 the children at the kind, generous visit of 
 good old Tanta Glaus ; bring out the ap- 
 ples, the nuts, the cakes and the cider; 
 call in the fiddler, and let the world hear, 
 if it can't see, how happy and gay you can 
 be if you only set yourselves about it— that 
 you are determined to rub up and polish 
 the year's rusty chain, if you have to take 
 a piece of your shirt for the want of a rag 
 to do it with. 
 
 My friends : if we live long enough, old 
 wrinkles must deform the pretty features 
 of ue all ; but, when they do come, let them 
 come with mirth and laughter, and not 
 with grief and anxiety : they will wear the 
 better for it. In fact, there is nothing like 
 habitual merriment to lengthen out a 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 119 
 
 man's days to the period at which these 
 honorable corrugations are commonly de- 
 veloped. So be cheerful at all times, if 
 possible; te-hee and haw-haw as much as 
 you can, 'in spite of wind and weather,' 
 and be right merry, during the holiday 
 season, at any rate. Laughter clears the 
 cobwebs away that the spiders of care are 
 so apt to spin in the corners of one's heart ; 
 and there is nothing in this world that 
 sickness ana death are so shy of as a jovial 
 soul. But, brethren, to keep the heart, 
 soul and mind in good trim, I tell you, the 
 capricious wants of the stomach must be 
 attended to. If these be neglected, the 
 heart grows cold and clammy — the mind 
 morose and peevish — the brain muddyr— 
 and your features are either blank as a 
 piece of pasteboard, or melancholy as a 
 portrait upon a tombstone. When the 
 stomach cries for food, feed it; when it is 
 dry, give it drink ; and when it is cold, see 
 that you warm it ; it can scarcely be too 
 warm to suit the other members of the 
 corporeal family. Yes, keep it comfortably 
 warm, and well fed, ^ and those laborers — 
 the legs, arms and h'ands — will not be slow 
 in doing their duty, while the" heart is as 
 blithesome as a singing-bird, and the ideas 
 as busy as bees gathering honey from the 
 floysrers of June. I won't say, with some 
 philosophers, that a man's brains are most- 
 ly deposited in his belly, or tliat his iutel- 
 
 \. "I tvt 
 
 
 
 
 Mi- 
 
320 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 ! I 
 
 h ' 
 
 lectual faculties are situated among the 
 rubbish of the stomach; but I do most 
 strenuously contend that one's thoughts, 
 ideas, mental endeavors, peace and con- 
 tentment of mind are controlled by these 
 two important organs — the latter especial- 
 ly. When that is not in proper tune, all 
 the rest of the machinery — both mental 
 and physical — is out of kilter. When that 
 ANIMAL — the stomach — is properly provi- 
 ded for, the bristles upon the human 
 disposition lie down as sleek as feathers 
 upon the breast of a duck ; the heart looks 
 through the windows of the eyes, laughing 
 for joy ; rosy smiles burst into bloom all 
 the way from brow to chin ; and the whole 
 individual can't help exhibiting outward 
 signs of delight, because of the comfoit 
 within. Therefore, brethren, attend well 
 to the ANIMAL, in order that the intel- 
 lectual, the MORAL, and the ideal, may 
 be pleased and stimulated to praiseworthy 
 deeds. Some of you have stomachs natu- 
 rajly as cold as a potato-hole left open 
 in winter. Your very looks, manners and 
 address betray the fact ; for they, too, are 
 icy as the mountains of Greenland. Now, 
 I advise all such to tuck under their jackets 
 as much of the good stuff of the season as 
 there is room for, conveniently : but be 
 careful, at the same time, not to overload 
 the aforesaid animal : for, be it recollected, 
 it is not a beast of very heavy burden. 
 
DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 121 
 
 Furthermore, I advise you — whoso proscnce 
 is enough to freeze a warm socinl knot in 
 the most comfortable of apartments— as 
 Paul advised Timothy, i.e., during the 
 reraamder of the holidays, to • take a little 
 wine for the stomach's sake, and make 
 yourselves agreeable. I agree with friend 
 Shakspere, that it is better to let the liver 
 heat with wine, than the heart cool with 
 mortifying groans. This creeping into the 
 jaundice by denying the stoiuiich, and 
 withholdmg all encouragement to action 
 from the liver, and thereby becoming as 
 fretful and peevish as porcupines, shows a 
 woful want of wisdom, to make the best of 
 it. It won't do— it won't do, brethren ! In 
 this sunlit, social and sociable world, you 
 must keep up the cheer, some way or ano- 
 ther, or poke out of it— and that not lonn- 
 after shortly. * Assist nature,' as brother 
 Brandreth says. Fire up— raise sufficient 
 steam to keep the mortal machinery in 
 operation; and, meanwhile, see tiiat the 
 gudgeons are well greased with the fit of 
 the land— otherwise it must rest, and come 
 to a dead stand-still ; and so remain, be- 
 yond the possibility of ever receiving ano- 
 ther start upon earth. 
 
 My hearers : now you are surrounded by a 
 ho8t of accessories, comforts and luxuries : 
 and, with all these good things before yon, 
 may heaven grant you good appetites ! If 
 you can't enjoy the pleasures of the table. 
 
 iZ 
 
 
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 \ 
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 r • . ■:» 
 
 i 
 
 .1 
 
122 
 
 DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 you can no more enjoy the other (and per- 
 haps more rational) pleasures of the world 
 than a snake can walk a slack wire on the 
 tip of its tail. I pray that you all may have 
 
 The power and will 
 To eat your fill — 
 
 that you may be lively, social and gay i'or 
 the rest of this festive season. After which, 
 you may staff or stare — be glad or sad — for 
 dught Icare; but, for your own sakes, try 
 to keep theheart in a merry mood till Christ- 
 mas comes again. So mote it be ! 
 
 I. i 
 
 ON SNUFFING. 
 
 Text — Knows he that never took a pinch, 
 
 Nosey, the pleasure theuce that flows ? 
 Knows he the titillating joy 
 Which MY nose knows ! 
 0, Nose ! I am as proud of thee 
 As any mountain of its snows : 
 I gaze on thee, and feel the joy 
 A Roman knows ! 
 
 My Hearers : T have, as you all well know, 
 denounced that 'vile weed,' tobacco, because 
 its indulgence is so apt to lead to disgust- 
 ing excesses. Yet there is nothing iu its 
 nature baneful to health, if used, and not 
 abused; but, on the contrary, it rather 
 conduces to longevity; for, if some one will 
 only take the pains to ascertaiji the fact, it 
 
DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 123 
 
 will be found that the majority of those who 
 live to remarkable ages have been notori- 
 ous, It not inveterate, partakers of the weed 
 in some shape or other-pipe-smoking in 
 their good old days, especially. True to- 
 bacco contains poison: so does a potato in 
 a very great degree; but who is foolish 
 enough to say that potatoes shall be dis- 
 possessed of the privilege of being loved 
 and eaten, on that account ? No Sne of 
 T3^' ^;t"^e°i]>er ye, my friends, that a 
 certam portion of poison is a necessary in- 
 gredient of the food tliat you eat, of the Sr 
 that you breathe-and, perhaps, I may say, 
 ofevery pleasure in which you are prone 
 to indulge. In this funny world, ther^eTs a 
 mysterious blendmg of good and evil-of 
 right and wrong-and of the purifying 
 and the poisonous-which, taken in pro- 
 per combined state, is ' all for the best/ 
 At any rate, no more harm can be feared 
 
 &m '5r-^^^^ '^'' comminglinTof 
 the deadly, the innocuous, and the exhili- 
 
 rahng^ gases, of which our purest atmos- 
 phere is composed. 
 
 «.5j/'''f/? '■ ^^""^ ^ ^^^« particularly to 
 TZ.hf ^^^""^ '? *^"« '■ The .ise of it is 
 agi-eeable to yourselves, but eaytiier of- 
 en^ve to others. If you chew, or chaw, 
 (or m an;^ language you choose,) you must 
 salivate, ma greater or less degree .and 
 
 m a kitchen ? Spitting is one of the most 
 
 
 ■%, ■" 
 
 
 I, '^M 
 
 3 
 
 * 
 
 ■ i 
 
 ' i 
 
■liii 
 
 124 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 contemptible habits that ever hooked itself 
 upon humanity. I say contemptible; for 
 what can possibly be a stronger exhibition 
 of contempt that a squirt of saliva towards 
 your most respected person? Now, for my 
 part, I would about as lief a body spit upon 
 me as AT me; and he might as soon eject 
 his juice in my ftice as upon my boots; for, 
 know ye, that my boots have a certain 
 ai^ount of respect for themselves, as well 
 as my fizzeog. And now, to give you my 
 sincere belief: no man can be admitted into 
 the principal parlor of heaven, who, perforce 
 of habit, spits as he goes, and might acci- 
 dentally spit upon the vestal drapery of an 
 angel. 
 
 My hearers : I have no doubt that much 
 pleasure is derived from ' snuffing ;' but my 
 nose knows it not. This titillation occa- 
 sioned by a pinch cannot be otherwise than 
 agreeable; and then the sneeze — if you are 
 so fortunate as to be favored with one — is 
 not that delightful ? What pleasure can be 
 enjoyed this side of heaven to exceed a 
 powerful sneeze ? But the worst of it is, if 
 you become addicted to tickling the nostrils 
 with powdered tobacco, the nose gets ob- 
 stinate, and refuses to sneeze. What is the 
 consequence ? — you persevere in goading 
 this poor, innocent member, all to no pur- 
 pose. Sneeze he won't, and sneeze you 
 can't make him. And then how horribly 
 it affects your speech ! Instead of distinctly 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 125 
 
 saying shilling, you merely utter shil'n, 
 and, for plain. English pudding, you can 
 only get out something that sounds like 
 pud'n. 
 
 Now, my friends, if you are determined 
 to use tobacco in ai.y way, manner, or 
 shape, do it, as everything else should be 
 done, m moderation, or don't you do it at 
 ALL. So mote it be ! 
 
 
 THE BLISS OF CHILDHOOD. 
 
 Text,— So glad a life was never, love, 
 
 As that which chilhood leads, 
 Before it learns to sever, love 
 
 The roses from the weeds ; * 
 Then, to be very duteous, love. 
 
 Is all it has to do. 
 And every flower is beauteous, love. 
 
 And every folly true. 
 
 My Hearers : It is interesting, if not 
 profitable, to sit and think for a while upon 
 the vicissitudes of life : to look back, with 
 Memory's eye, upon the Past : to dwell for 
 a few moments, upon the Present, and to 
 speculate upon the Future. 
 
 The Past delights us with its amaranthine 
 blossoms, and teases us with an occasional 
 thorn. Many, O, many, are the posies that 
 paint the heath of remembrance, and gar- 
 nish to loveliness the arena of bygone days. 
 They bloom on, untouched by the hoar 
 
 4m> 
 
 
 
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 as ,>»■* 
 
 *»■ %}^a 
 
 
 
 'i '■':* 
 
126 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 frosts of time, and preserve tlieir pristine 
 beauty even when surrounded by tlie snows 
 of Life's cold and cheerless December. 
 But some flowers have faded and died, and 
 thorns, sharp as needles, have sprung up 
 in tlieir places. If they do not wound the 
 heart, they piick the fingers and tear the 
 calico of Ketrospection, as she draggles her 
 skirt among them ; nevertheless, when she 
 comes home and thinks upon the matter, 
 she is rather pleased than otherwise with 
 the amount of her ramblings. I will tell 
 you where the prickers grow. When 
 Memory visits the tombs of the friends and 
 play- companions of our youth, she there 
 finds piercing thorns. At the place where 
 we let slip golden opportunities, and silvery 
 chances, are planted briars that scratch re- 
 flection and annoy the mind; and the 
 monuments of Sin, Error and Folly are sur- 
 rounded with nettles that sting the feet of 
 Recollection till they dance the oddest of 
 jigs, hornpipes, and fandangoes. 
 
 The Present is altogether an unsatisfac- 
 tory affair. It furnishes sweet music ; but 
 its melody falls unheeded upon the ear, and 
 its harmony is but jarring discord to our 
 uneasy soals. It is garlanded with roses; 
 but we perceive not their beauty, nor enjoy 
 a sense of their fragrance — we care no more 
 for them than for so many toadstools. It 
 offers us joy by the jugful, but we won't 
 take pains to pull the stopper out. It sets 
 
DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 127 
 
 before us a big platter of pleasure ; but we 
 choose to gnaw a knuckle-bone of care, or 
 Bop our hard crusts in tlie drippings of 
 hope. If there be any reality, my friends, 
 to the present, it is seldom or never realiz- 
 ed by us mysterious mortals, who are ever- 
 lastingly looking over the fence for the 
 saipo flowers that are being crushed benea^^h 
 
 GUV boots. 
 
 The Future, brethren, is always either 
 illumined with the bright rays of hope, or 
 
 overcast with the dark clouds of despair 
 
 more generally it presents the former as- 
 pect. And here allow me to give you a 
 thin paring of advice, all ye who see buga- 
 boos in the dim distance, and would cut 
 'cross lots of eternity : ' Hope on, hope 
 ever !'— That's the motto forany two-lego-ed 
 creature that pretends to the ownership* of 
 a thinking- machine. God guides the beasts 
 but upon YOUR necks he throws the reins,' 
 and leaves you to go to glory, or to grass 
 —just as you see fit. You have the power, 
 to a certain extent, to make yourselves com- 
 fortable or miserable at every stage, scaf- 
 fold or omnibus of life : and why don't you 
 make yourselves easy— as easy as you can? 
 Because you like to coax misery- to your- 
 selves for the comfort of fretting, worrying, 
 and making others around you as miser- 
 able as yourselves. As Silver-brass says— 
 and says with more poetry than truth, and 
 not much of either— You catch the itch to 
 
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128 
 
 DOW y PATENT SIJRMONS. 
 
 enjoy the delif^'htfnl fun and exquisite 
 pleasure of scratching. 
 
 My friends : perlKii^)s you may think my 
 text to be infected witli some contagions 
 disease, that I keep so far out of its neigli- 
 borhood. I will approximate a little — who's 
 afraid ? There are more or less buds to bo 
 picked, and flowers to be plucked, in every 
 season of man's existence, and at every mo- 
 ment of his life — except when he is asleep 
 and has the nightmare ; but it is Childhood 
 oiily that gathers them in big bunches. 
 Manhood gathers grapes from thistles; but 
 two-thirds of them are sour enough to 
 make a pig sing a song of Jeremiah, and 
 pitch upon the highest octave in the un- 
 written music of hog-dom. Old Age — un- 
 like, and yet like. Childhood — finds beauti- 
 ful blossoms at the portal of the tomb, as 
 once they were found blooming by the 
 cradle when life was fresh and new. But 
 oh, my friends ! if you ever sucked pure joy, 
 plcASure and happiness through a straw, 
 as it were, it was when you were young 
 colts, calves, lambs, puppies, chickens, 
 ducks, or goslings — whichever you might 
 have been ! Then the moments seemed to 
 sport and dilly-dally by the wayside, like 
 the golden-mailed insects and versicolored 
 butterflies — the hours slipped as smoothly 
 along as tiiougn i-iiey were grGascu. iOr tn8 
 occasion — Time trod softly, noiselessly, in 
 his stocking-feet, as if fearful lest he should 
 
exquisito 
 
 liink my 
 nta^ious 
 :s nei^li- 
 e — who's 
 ids to bo 
 
 in every 
 very mo- 
 is asleep 
 hildliood 
 bunches, 
 ties; but 
 ough to 
 iah, and 
 
 the un- 
 ^ge — un- 
 Is beauti- 
 :omb, as 
 ; by the 
 3W. But 
 pure joy, 
 a straw, 
 •e youn^ 
 chickens, 
 >u might 
 eemed to 
 side, lilie 
 sicolorcd 
 smoothly 
 d for the 
 lessly, in 
 le should 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 129 
 
 awake the infant, Care, so quietly sleeping 
 m the happy bosom ofchildhood— the year 
 that appears to man but a brief hour, seem* 
 ed an eighth of eternity, and as full of de- 
 ighU as It appeared long. Oh, those bliss- 
 liil, dreamy days of youth ! they never will 
 again throw their silken mantle upon ua 
 poor, wayworn and path-weary pilgrims I 
 My hearers : the ignorance of Childhood 
 constitutes its chiefest bliss. It knows 
 nought of the troubles, trials and disap- 
 pointments that are to beset it in after 
 years : it has not learned to sever the roses 
 trora the weeds ; but every blossom is pret- 
 ty, beautiful, lovely— be it the noxious stink- 
 weed, expanding its corolla by the barn- 
 yard, or the innocent violet modestly peep- 
 ing from out its grass-hidden home. All 
 it has to do 18 to be duteous and have its 
 face washed ; and it doesn't trouble itself 
 much about these so long as it is happy 
 gay and independent. With it every foUy 
 18 true, every fancy a fact, and every sha- 
 dow a substance. Like ' the poor Indian * 
 It sees God's likeness inthethunder-heads 
 and hears the whisperings of angels in the 
 warm summer breeze. Its spirit opens to 
 Itself a paradise, and revels therein, never 
 thinking, alas ! that it must one day be 
 driven out into a wilderness of anxieties, to 
 delve and to toil— to earn its bread by 'the 
 sweat of its brow— eat it in sorrow, and caU 
 lile a humbug, at last ! So mote it be I 
 444 T 
 
 
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 -S 
 
130 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 ON STARTING LOYE TO FEED 
 PRIDE. 
 
 Text. — To such a place remove our camp 
 As will no siege abide : 
 I hate a fool who starves her love 
 Only to feed her pride. 
 
 My Hearers : every one of us, in this un- 
 satisfactory sphere, seems to entertain a 
 fault-finding wonder as to ' why heaven has 
 made us as we are V The only answer to 
 this is, Heaven, Nature, God, Creator — or 
 whatever name you choose to apply — has 
 ^pade us as we are, for the good reason that 
 we couldn't have been put into a better 
 shape to afford scope for our mental and 
 physical faculties. Yet thousands and 
 thousands there are who find fault with 
 themselves, or rather with the One who 
 devised, planned and put them together. 
 They are not satisfied with being them- 
 selves, but they must be somebodyelse ; 
 still — strange as the anomaly may appear 
 — no one seems really willing to swap him- 
 self for the best live mortal upon earth. 
 Ask one of the juvenile feminine gender 
 whether she had rather be a boy than a 
 girl, she will answer : ' I'd rather be a 
 GAL.' And vice versa with the other sex, 
 Still, all we frail mortals are more or less 
 inclined to assume airs — to affect to he 
 what we are not. Our \anity must he 
 
\ FEED 
 
 ve 
 
 I this un- 
 tertain a 
 eaven has 
 nswer to 
 eator — or 
 )ply — has 
 ason that 
 a better 
 intal and 
 nds and 
 lult with 
 One who 
 together. 
 
 g THEM- 
 DYELSE ; 
 
 y appear 
 wap him- 
 on earth, 
 le gender 
 y than a 
 
 HER BE A 
 
 other sex. 
 
 )re or less 
 
 3ct to he 
 
 must he 
 
 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 131 
 
 clothed in gorgeous and costly array, and 
 our pride must be pampered to the expense 
 of sober judgement. ^ 
 
 My dear friends : I'd just as lief say it as 
 not, and I will say it, if I get my ears box! 
 ed and my hair pulled, that women are 
 more artihcia and affected than niem 
 Well It IS all right, I suppose, that they 
 should be. They don't do the courtin J 
 and are not allowed the liberty of makin" 
 the first advances; consequently, thev 
 must contrive to attract. I never could 
 see, though, how any great capital could 
 ever be made out of ridiculous enormities 
 01 ±ashion. Some young ladies not only 
 starve their love to feed their pride, but 
 they must also starve and torture their 
 poor bodies out of all rhyme and reason. 
 Some won't taste of coffee, lest it should be 
 
 pose about the ribs, and making them mea- 
 sure an inch more than is desirable round 
 the_ waists. They use no butter, for fear of 
 a pimple upon theii- pretty noses; nor par- 
 take of a particle of meat, under a horrid 
 apprehension of incurring a muddy com- 
 plexion. But, mark the consequencS- 
 they soon become weakly, nervoys, fidgettv 
 and old-maidish-their skins get as vel 
 low as a cncum.ber gone to seed-^their eves 
 have no more lustre than blue beans in a 
 withered pod-and their whole systems get 
 80 shattered, at last, that they will hardly 
 
 
 9? ■»! 
 
 1 «•«« 
 
 
132 
 
 DOWS PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 stand the shock of a severe compliment. 
 What then must they do ? Why, endeavor 
 to make up, by artificial means, for what 
 Nature could have done (and a great deal 
 better) had she been allowed her own way. 
 They take physic, to prop up their broken 
 constitutions, and apply paints, washes, 
 chalks and cosmetics, to recover their pris- 
 tine bloom and youthful beauty. Young 
 bachelors ! don't have anything to do with 
 one, of these. They are counterfeit goods 
 ■ — spurious articles; and, after you have 
 had them upon your hands for a while, 
 you will come to the conclusion that you 
 have ' seen the elephant,' to your sorrow. 
 My hearers : once in a while you come 
 across one ' who starves her love to feed 
 her pride;' but what that pride is, it is 
 difficult to tell. It varies under different 
 circumstances. She won't mention her 
 love, nor open the doors of her heart to al- 
 low it the liberty to come out and soar up- 
 on butterfly wings through the bland atmo- 
 sphere of frankness and freedom. No ! she 
 lets concealment, like a worm in an apple- 
 core, feed upon her damaged cheek. And 
 all this through pride, vanity, foolishness, 
 or something of the sort ! Pshaw ! all you 
 girls who want husbands, and can't get on 
 without 'em, speak out, and don't be afraid, 
 lou svill thus get them quicker, and better 
 ones too, than by pursuing any vanity-feel- 
 ing, pride-pampered, or make-believe-bash- 
 
' sorrow. 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. I33 
 
 win?,-;„bh?h tur'T".^'^^ ^^°^ your 
 
 TEXT.-And, if thou pitiest Tanibulance the('r»„f 
 Old woman, toll ua what o-olock it bo , • 
 
 ot bread and cheeap anri? "eg a bite 
 
 water of an old women thT't''-'''"'i "^ 
 
 it was iiotliino- les«! A-n/f «1 _^ovei ty ^ 
 pelled to solid you to it /n" I """ ?""; 
 
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134, 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 r i 
 
 somewhere else and feed upon fatter salar- 
 ies, is it not a great condescension on our 
 parts? Most certainly it is. Did not 
 Elisha the Prophet, while abiding among 
 the rocks in the gloomy wilderness, call 
 upon the crows to bring him a mouthful of 
 meat ? Look at the great Diogenes, while 
 basking in his tub, asking the little Alex- 
 ander to do him the favor to stand out of 
 his sunshine. You must be aware, my 
 friepds, that any hungry saint would much 
 rather dine with a sinner upon a good 
 haunch of venison, than with an angel, and 
 get nothing but bean soup and bean bread. 
 So. you see, the rich require favor of the 
 po^r — the great of the small — and the 
 righteous of the wicked. 
 
 My friends : there is no ninny so wholly 
 dry and sapless, but a drop or two of the 
 honey of information may sometimes be 
 extracted from him. Don't let your pride 
 and vanity make you ashamed to ask small 
 matters of which you happen to be ignor- 
 ant ; for, just as likely as not, yonder ur- 
 chin with a check apron, white head, dirty 
 face, and bread and molasses, is capable of 
 giving you just the information you re- 
 quire. If you think you can make the 
 world believe that you know everything al- 
 ready, and your storehouse is crammed full 
 to the ridge-pole, let me tell you, you labor 
 (or idle) under a mighty big mistake. The 
 world is not such a credulous fool as that. 
 
;r salar- 
 1 on our 
 Did not 
 among 
 3SS, call 
 ithfulof 
 s, while 
 e Alex- 
 out of 
 are, my 
 Id much 
 a good 
 gel, and 
 a bread. 
 )r of the 
 ind the 
 
 D wholly 
 of the 
 imes be 
 iir pride 
 sk small 
 ) ignor- 
 ider ur- 
 d, dirty 
 ,pable of 
 you re- 
 ake the 
 hing ai- 
 med full 
 3U labor 
 :e. The 
 as that. 
 
 111! 
 
 n-' 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 135 
 
 Why, you vain, conceited ig-no-ra-mus-ES ! 
 —you can go to school to a spider, to a 
 bumble-bee, or to a pismire, and be taught 
 more in one hour than you ever learned in 
 all your lives! You won't inquire, then, 
 for fear folks will suppose you are ignorant 
 johnnyhorses ! You wouldn't ask an old 
 woman what time o' day it was by the 
 shadow of her mop handle, lest she should 
 suspect you hadn't a watch in your pocket ! 
 Well, if you won't ask, you shall not receive; 
 if you won't seek, you shall not find; and, 
 if you won't knock at the door of informa- 
 tion, you may wander outside in the dark- 
 ness of ignorance — guided by the bug- 
 lamps of instinct, and the lights of self-con- 
 ceit—and making more stumbles and blun- 
 ders than a blind horse among ditches and 
 sand-pits. So mote it be ! 
 
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136 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 m 
 II 
 
 iiii^^i 
 
 SEVEN TEARS. 
 
 TEXT.-Seven years in childhood's sport and plav 
 Seven years in school from day to dav ^' 
 beven years at trade or colle<^e life 
 Seven years to find a place and wife 
 beven years to pleasure's follies given 
 Seven years by business hardly ddven' 
 Seven years for fame, a wild Joose chase 
 Seven years for wealth, a bootless race, ' 
 Seven years for hoarding for your heir 
 1 Seven years m weakness spent in care. ' 
 men die and go— you know not where. 
 
 My Hearers : Seven, as you all know 
 
 to do with remarkable events, wars, epochs 
 incidents, historical facts and mode?n oc 
 currences than any other number in Da- 
 
 'matUaTtr ^.^^^^g.^' ^^^'t it, how 
 matters and things go by severs ? Tn 
 
 reading of the olden /mes,^ we notice the 
 
 seven wonders of the world'-' seven slopn 
 
 ers'-' seven devils'-' seven days of fa-" 
 
 ]^ine, and seven days of plenty'—' seven 
 
 candlesticks'-'sevenseals'-'sevenheavens^ 
 
 Zll\rZ''\'^.t '^'"? ^^^«*« *h^* Noah 
 took m out of the ram— the seven— bnt 
 
 without travelling into the mud Ind miVe 
 of the past, let us take a squint at the sevens 
 observable at the present day. We have 
 the seven days of the week-the seven --- 
 minus ^^ " ' ' 
 
 (minus the one that strayed away and got 
 lost when It was a stripling)-the sev en 
 
DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. I37 
 
 bristles that constitute the whiskers of a cat* 
 -and the seven buttons that I ahvays wear 
 upon ray waistcoat. But I must keep S 
 sight of my text. ^ "^ 
 
 r.W '""^5 Jr""" i? childhood's sport and 
 play. Short as they really are, these seven 
 years seem the longest of any in iffe The 
 distance from the first of January to the 
 Jh&rr *^ of December, appears to the 
 child that has never had its head scorched 
 by over half a dozen summers, immeasura 
 bly great-almost like a little for~bui 
 talk to It of SEVEN years, audits conception 
 of time grows dusky, and experiences a sun^ 
 setatonce I recollect that when I was a 
 ittle spindle-shanked brat, not old enough 
 to understand and manag^the machTnefy 
 of a pair of breeches, a week seemed o be 
 
 LrTfl'^"^^-^^^^^^^ «°»^11 everlastW 
 
 and a year animmense detached portion of 
 
 eternity. I thought that forty years Cld 
 
 be as long as I ought, or should, trnto 
 
 iv^e; for if ever I were to get tired travel 
 
 Img on the old turnpike t? the City of the 
 
 Dead It would be then. Foity long, lon^ 
 
 I'T' ,F^*^^,nc«' you are mide ?f good 
 
 imber, thought I. Yet I was as happ^y as 
 
 the years were long. Yes, brethren, f neve? 
 
 care had not eaten its way into my bZr^ 
 Flowers bloomed for me aU wintei^if not 
 
 
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 138 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 in the meadows and by the roadside, thoy 
 flourished in the region of my heart like 
 pussley about a pig-pen. Though the days 
 were ever so cloudy, a streak of sunshine 
 constantly illumined my interior. Though 
 the weather was heavy as lead, my spirits 
 were as light as feathers. In short, there 
 was a little fountain of joy within me that 
 never ceased flowing, except when I stub- 
 bed my toes, got my ears pulled, or was deni- 
 ed; a lump of sugar; and then it stopped 
 only for a moment : it immediately began 
 spouting again, as beautiful, joyous and 
 merry as ever. Such was my childhood, 
 my friends, and similar was yours. 
 
 ' Seven years in school from day to day.' 
 That's about the time required to use up 
 the spelling-book, get the mastery of the 
 monosyllables and the polysyllables— take 
 liberties with the grammar — correct the 
 geography, and subdue the arithmetic. This 
 period, though manifested with gnattish 
 anxieties, is rather dull and monotonous: 
 there is too much of a sameness about it, as 
 the dog said of churning. It is get up in 
 the morning, take your dinner basket and 
 trudge to where the ointment of knowledge 
 is rubbed upon all alike (and sometimes 
 birched in) with an impartial hand — go 
 through the same old tune of yesterday, of 
 spelling, reading and writing; disturbing 
 nouns, verbs and adverbs, and causing 
 figures to lie that have never lied before; 
 
side, tliey 
 leart like 
 1 the days 
 sunshine 
 Though 
 iiy spirits 
 )rt, there 
 1 me that 
 n I stub- 
 was deni- 
 i stopped 
 ly began 
 yous and 
 hildhood, 
 
 Y to day.' 
 ► use up 
 J of the 
 les — take 
 trect the 
 Jtic. This 
 
 gnattish 
 otonous : 
 Dout it, as 
 ^et up in 
 isket and 
 tiowledge 
 )metimes 
 land — go 
 ;erday, of 
 Lsturbing 
 
 causing 
 d before; 
 
 row's PATENT SEPMONS. 1C9 
 
 then bolt your bread and butter and red 
 apple at noon, and hasten to wt ir out your 
 shoes and the largest portion of your pan- 
 taloons by sliding on the ice— go in for the 
 afternoon— same cold, intellectual soup as 
 m the morning— trot home towards evenino- 
 with a noddle half filled with the chips and 
 fragments of learning, and a stomach 
 emptier than the bladder of conceit. Then 
 day after day you perform the identical 
 cider- mill circuit, with little to give variety 
 save an occasional truanting, purchased at 
 the expense of an uncharitable flagellation 
 If our schoolboy days, my brethren, are* 
 milk-and-waterish from their sameness, 
 they lay the foundation for an appetite to 
 relish more solid mental food in after years 
 They open our eyes, that we may see to go 
 eafely through a world of sin, temptation 
 deceit, dishonesty, and corruption, barely 
 whitewashed with pretended piety; and 
 furthermore, they enable us to get money 
 without back-breaking, and to cheat as 
 sleekly, smoothly and successfully, as the 
 smartest of our neighbors. 
 
 'Seven years at trade or college life' 
 This epoch takes the boy to twenty-one— 
 the empire of manhood. He ha-s whittled 
 his bench to a skeleton in the school-house 
 served his apprenticeship, and is now his 
 own lord and master— he is to begin the 
 world for himself. He disdains to*be called 
 a boy, and lacks the boldness to look upon 
 
 ^1 
 
 ^ 
 
 2 H) •** 
 
 
 
140 
 
 DOWS PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 'ii 
 
 himself as a man. He is in a 'transition 
 state/ like the pin-feathered gosling just 
 stepping upon the threshold of goosehood. 
 He exerts every effort to persuade a little 
 hair to garnish his cheek and chin — applies 
 oil, raw egg, potato poultices, and good 
 Peter only knows what else, for the promo- 
 tion of a respectable growth. When he 
 gets it, then he is a man to a live certainty, 
 and must begin to look about 'to find 
 A PLACE AND A WIFE.' Tt is easier for 
 hini to get possession of a wife than a place ; 
 yet he might hunt and smell about for more 
 than seven years and catch a Tartarean 
 after all. A good wife is a great comfort 
 —a heavenly blessing— a first-rate affair; 
 but a poor one is a source of greater uneasi- 
 ness than were a shirt made of hemp and 
 briar bushes. A wife should have mildness 
 in her eyes, smiles upon her lips, and a 
 heart full of love and tenderness. She 
 should have a temper as smooth as the skin 
 upon her face— a natural inclination for 
 neatness, order and arrangement in her 
 houshold affairs — an instinct for brushing 
 cobwebs out of the corners of the kitchen, 
 and chasing spiders to perdition. She 
 should delight in darning stockings, sewing 
 on buttons where they are wanted, and pos- 
 sess a passion for patching dilapidated pan- 
 taloons. In short, she should ever make 
 it her study how she can best please her 
 ' old man'— not forgetting herself, of 
 
 
ransition 
 ing just 
 osehood. 
 
 a little 
 —applies 
 ad good 
 3 promo- 
 Hien he 
 ertainty, 
 •to find 
 isier for 
 a place ; 
 for more 
 artareau 
 comfort 
 e affair; 
 • uneasi- 
 mp and 
 uildness 
 3, and a 
 8. She 
 the skill 
 tion for 
 
 in her 
 >rushing 
 kitchen, 
 1. She 
 1, sewing 
 ind pos- 
 ted pan- 
 !r make 
 ase her 
 self, of 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 141 
 
 conrst^ T will take it for granted that she 
 IS good-looking; for who ever saw a wife 
 with prettiness in her nature that didn't 
 show a portion of it in her features ? Such a 
 one IS worth serving seven years for— as 
 they did in the days of Isaac and Abraham 
 —it she IS worch setting up with for a sin^ de 
 night. ^ 
 
 Then, my friends, there are * seven years 
 to pleasure's follies given— from twenty- 
 eight to thirty-five; that is just about 
 enough of time's small change to spend for 
 fun, frolic and careless enjoyiaent. Then, 
 or never, man makes up his mind to drive 
 his business, or let his business drive him. 
 If he is not in a fair way at forty-two to get 
 his share of the world's spoils, he mic^ht 
 as well hang up his fiddle, and be con- 
 tent to dig his way through life as best 
 he may. 
 
 The 'seven years for fame' are en- 
 couraging, diecouraging, perplexing, pleas- 
 mg, tormenting, teasing and disappointing 
 —a regular wild-goose chase. The pur- 
 8uer thinks every moment he is about to 
 catch the bird, and so keeps on thinking 
 till he tires himself out, and lies down to 
 rest beneath the blanket of obscurity. 
 
 My hearers: after the following seven years 
 for increasing whatever wealth may be yours 
 —after the next seven for hoarding it "care- 
 fully up for the encouragement of vice and 
 laziness m your progeny— after the next 
 
 4 
 
 
 r-w 
 
 ■4 
 •it 
 
 am 
 
 
 
 m 
 
 ^'' 
 
 
 « 
 
 
142 DOW'3 PATEN-T SERMONS. 
 
 seven years spent in weakness, whimsical- 
 ncss, childishness and care, you toddle out 
 of the world, and f,'o— nobody knows where, 
 only those who have ^'one before you. It 
 must be an extensive place to hold the bil- 
 lions that have already proceeded thither; 
 the millions that are daily taking their de- 
 parture, and the billions that are yet to go. 
 But we shall all know something aboufit 
 when Time shall have given a few flaps 
 more with his already wearied wings ; so, 
 let us prepare our lamps of hope and faith 
 to guide us through the darkness that en- 
 velopes the deep valley of death. So 
 mote it be ! 
 
 LIFE'S NARROW BOUNDS. 
 
 Text.— Short bounds of life are set to mortal inan. 
 
 My Hearers :^ the term short, as applied 
 to human life, is limited to no precise lati- 
 tude. Life is short at the longest : if we 
 were to average a thousand years each in 
 this perishing sphere, instead of thirty or 
 forty, as is now the case, we should then 
 consider life as short as a morning snooze 
 —and, probably, not half so sweet. So life is 
 most miserably short, when placed in juxta- 
 position with eternity— shorter than a rab- 
 bit's tail compared with thealviiie extremi- 
 ty of a sea serpent. When I think of the 
 briefness of existence, it puts me in mind of 
 
 I .: 
 
i^liimsiciil- 
 ^ddle out 
 W8 where, 
 3 you. It 
 Id the bil. 
 I thither; 
 ' their de- 
 yet to go. 
 J about it 
 few Haps 
 icings; 80, 
 and faith 
 that en- 
 ath. So 
 
 DS. 
 
 ortal man. 
 
 /S applied 
 3cise lati- 
 !st: if\ve 
 each in 
 thirty or 
 uld then 
 ig snooze 
 So life is 
 in juxta- 
 in arab- 
 extremi- 
 ik of the 
 I mind of 
 
 EOW'S PATENT SERMONS. US 
 
 the shortest day in winter : man hardly gets 
 up m the morning, puts on his breeches, 
 waslies his lace, combs his hair, takes a 
 look in the glass, and turns around, before 
 It IS time to go to bed again. So Infancy 
 sc.u'cely casts its clouts ere it finds itself 
 arrayed m the proud attire of manhood 
 soon to assume the sober vestments of ao-e' 
 and quickly to don the pale habiliments ''of 
 the grave. Thus man springs up like spar- 
 EOW-GRASS, hops about like a jumper- 
 grass, and lies down and dies like a john- 
 NY-HORSE-as is written in the first chap, 
 ter of J erethusaleh. ^ 
 
 My friends: most folks are overtaken 
 and seized by Death, others rashly and 
 foohshly fling themselves into the jawp -f 
 Death while others run away, abscond, 
 absquatulate from Life, as though it were 
 a hard task-master. Those wlio are over- 
 taken and seized by Death are entitled to 
 doing their best to avoid so fatal a , iilamity • 
 those who bravely, but inconsiderately! 
 rush withm the reach of the Grim Monster 
 I look upon as being half-heruic and half.* 
 ijolish : and those who run away from Life 
 —commit suicide— I consider as consum- 
 mate cowards. So awfully afraid are they 
 ofoxistence,that— likea man in the fifth 
 story of a hnildinf pnor.TYiv.qcc,/^-^i i.,. £.._ 
 
 tliey throw themselves out of the world's 
 window, and down they go 'all smash' 
 upon the pavement of perdition. This tak- 
 
 
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 •.» 
 
 
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 J 
 
 
 J 
 
 p Et t 
 
 :i 
 
 < • 
 
 , m 
 
 .J 
 
 , 4< 
 
 l|*M 
 
 ■ h 
 
 «% 
 
 !•! P^W 
 
 ^ 
 
 ' s 
 
 fs: 
 
 .^^1 
 
 a 
 
 'it 
 
 <4 
 
 a» 
 
 ■ •«! 
 
 1** 
 
 
 
 
 
 t'0^ 
 
l-i 
 
 m 
 
 li.il 
 
 144 DOW'S PATEi>IT SERMONS. 
 
 ing a sudden jump into eteraity, like a frog 
 into a mud-puddle, is doing business with 
 too much of a jerk to suit my superannuat- 
 ed ideas of life, death and immortality. 
 Live while you live; but live to 
 LENGTHEN LIFE, is my motto. Adopt it 
 as your own — piaster it upon your hearts — 
 solder it fast to your sentiments — putty it 
 to your principles — and, like the old oaks 
 of .the mountain, your trunks may become 
 sapless with age, but your leaves of life will 
 still be green. 
 
 My hearers : the bounds set to the life of 
 mortal man are truly short — about the 
 same as those set for elephants, turtles and 
 geese: nevertheless, we may well tickle 
 ourselves with the idea that we outlive the 
 majorpart of animation. There is an in- 
 sect that is born and fulfils its destiny in 
 the brief space of a single hour. [What an 
 existence for anything possessed of vitality, 
 and susceptible of pain and pleasure!] 
 Crows live ten years — rabbits, ten — dogs, 
 in the country, reach fifteen or twenty; 
 but, in the cities, they are made into saus- 
 ages ere thejr arrive at seven ; and cats, 
 with their nine lives — reckoning seven 
 years to an existence — can't brag much 
 over man concerning their remarkable 
 longevity. But our days have latterly been 
 reduced to a very narrow space, for some 
 providential reason or other, which it 
 woulda't appear modest in me to inquire 
 
 into 
 
ike a frog 
 ness with 
 eranniiat- 
 mortality. 
 
 LIVE TO 
 
 Adopt it 
 • hearts — 
 —putty it 
 3 old oaks 
 ly become 
 5f life will 
 
 the life of 
 ihout the 
 irtles and 
 ell tickle 
 utlive the 
 .3 an in- 
 lestiny in 
 [What an 
 )f vitality, 
 )leasure !] 
 en — dogs, 
 V twenty ; 
 into sans- 
 and cats, 
 ig seven 
 ag much 
 imarkable 
 :erly been 
 for some 
 which it 
 ) inquire 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. I/5 
 
 My dear friends : wl.atfs hlT It ;, ,u„ 
 twm brother of Notliing-a shadl If 
 sliadow— an eraptv drpom n „ ® "' ^ 
 We persnude o.Sves t aT w^'^i':^ °^'»«; 
 
 t^TS^' bottoXiljfitte ti 
 
 mishydelasTonrC' ^??"™S "°'3'='' " 
 t!1^/i •'^ V ^^^ -Wo matter— ' Vot's ihc. 
 hodds so long as we are 'appy i' '« thf 
 Cockney would say. Tliat's it «/. i ® 
 
 we can enjoy ourselves fis auTf^Vt^^^ 
 
 Tdlft' tf ^'' r^'l'''^' and bfmer^' 
 and It, m the end, we find that life has hp Jn 
 
 ?}«rfc' ^ve can console ourselves with fh. 
 Idea that its sweetness has morrthal 0'^^ 
 led Its brevity. So mote it be ' ^ 
 
 Text.^ 
 
 FALSE COURAGE. 
 
 -0, how courageous, valiant men \ 
 How chicken-hearted too ! 
 li' f ^"^VV'' ^''-^''t-yet you dare 
 JNot truth and right pursue. 
 
 My Hearers : I don't know why it is btif 
 you^don't often find^he flowerr5boVh ph;* 
 
 ■%. 3'-% 
 
 K 
 
146 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 
 i ;:' 
 
 ioiiii 
 
 Li, I?! 
 
 
 Bical and moral courage flourishing upon 
 the Bame bush of humanity. Now, you are 
 ready and anxious to go into a bloody war, 
 with all the grit and greediness of a bull- 
 dog, because it is a popular one ; but did 
 the dear people proclaim against it, you 
 would set Right, Wrong, Justice and 
 Equity aside, and keep on digj^ing your 
 potatoes in peace, with an imaginary pros- 
 pect of glory to come. You talk about 
 having the pluck to pitch into a panther ! 
 Why, you haven't courage enough to cast 
 an insinuation at a mosquito. You are 
 wanting in the very rudiments of courage. 
 In nine times out of ten, you lack the cour- 
 age to tell a simple truth ; so you sneak 
 round the corners, and hide yourselves 
 under the fence of falsehood. What is 
 your courage ? 
 
 You haven't the courage to take a tiger 
 by the teeth, when you know that pre- 
 caution, in such a case, is ' the better part 
 of valor.' 
 
 You are wanting in courage when you 
 flee from the goddess of Truth, and seek 
 for protection beneath the folds of Self- 
 intere«5. 
 
 Yoa dare not pursue the right path 
 when the wrong is considered the most 
 popvlar one. 
 
 You dare not bid dcfianeo to the Devil, 
 and cut your way single-handed to God 
 and everlasting glory. 
 
I. 
 
 ing upon 
 V, you are 
 oody war, 
 of a bull- 
 ; ; but did 
 st it, you 
 stice and 
 ;ing your 
 lary pros- 
 ilk about 
 
 panther ! 
 :h to cast 
 
 You are 
 f courage. 
 : the cour- 
 yovi sneak 
 l^ourselves 
 
 What is 
 
 e a tiger 
 that pie- 
 letter part 
 
 when you 
 
 and seek 
 .8 of Self=- 
 
 ight path 
 the most 
 
 the Devil, 
 I to God 
 
 
 DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 147 
 
 You don't possess the courage to treat 
 with considerate contempt a challenge to 
 fight a duel. No, you are frightened into 
 a fight, if you fall, the earth hides you, and 
 the fragrance of your virtues is wafted away 
 for ever upon the winds of forgetfulness • i£ 
 you live, you live to rue the hour that you 
 engaged in the deed. "^ 
 
 You haven't the courage to oppose 
 Pashion in her freaks and follies. You may 
 whme at them for a while : ^nt, eventually 
 you yield by inches, and, .lu.ily, are found 
 kissing her heel. 
 
 You haven't the courage, half of you, who 
 call yourselves boys matueed, to pop the 
 question at once, and bring to terms a 
 lend, affectionate, loving poe, who is an 
 enemy to > our single enjoyments and arrays 
 herself in hostile attitude against your 
 bachelonc blisses. 
 
 You haven't the courage to stay away 
 from a fashionable church, and pray in 
 your own closets. "^ 
 
 ^ You haven't the courage to face a man 
 in the street to whom you owe a few dol- 
 lars, and say to him blandly, * My dear 
 friend. I believe you have a lock of my 
 hair; and I trust you will keep it, for old 
 acquaintance sake, till fortune favors me 
 with sufficient pewter to pav ymj o^ ac- 
 cording to your deserts.' 
 
 My dear friends : I give a very short ser- 
 mou this morning, but in it are contained 
 
 
lililli 
 
 148 
 
 DO y's patent sekmons. 
 
 seeds which, if properly planted, will pro- 
 duce an hundred fold — relating to your 
 happiness here, and your hopes of an here- 
 after. So mote it be ! 
 
 
 
 
 
 «i,';,!| 
 
 Im 
 ;|l.,j 
 
 r 
 
 I Itii tklii%il 
 
 ON MADNESS. 
 
 Text— Some grow mad by studying much to know ; 
 . But who grows mad by studying good to 
 grow ? 
 
 My Hearers: one Festns of old told the 
 sober St. Paul that he was beside himself— 
 that much learning had made hfm mad- 
 but the good Saint, in reply to Mr. Festus', 
 assured him that he was not mad, but spake 
 the words of truth and soberness. I can't 
 crowd it into my narrow belief that Paul's 
 mental machinery was any ways out of kil- 
 ter; yet the fact of his asserting its sound- 
 ness does not prove it to have been un- 
 damaged; for who ever knew a crazy man 
 that did not proclaim, and actually believe, 
 himself to be as sane as you or I ? Paul, 
 however, knew what he was about : no much 
 learning ever drove him to distraction. He 
 was always too calm, sober and philoso- 
 phical to permit such a thing. An old friend 
 of mine, Alexander Pope, Esq., seems to 
 disagree with Capt. Festus in regard to 
 much learning making a body mad. He 
 shelters the opinion that a little learning 
 
 ''III 
 
)een un- 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 149 
 
 kicks up more of a fuss among the intellec- 
 tual faculties than a great deal of the arti- 
 cle. • It is your shallow draughts from the 
 goblet of lore,' he used to say, ' that intoxi- 
 cate the brain ; take a big pull at it — one of 
 the old fashioned swigs — or let it alone.' I 
 perfectly agree with friend Pope in respect 
 to imbibing the liquor of learning. 
 
 My friends : much study (nc'j learning) 
 sometimes gets the brain organ out of tune ; 
 but there is little danger of your noddles 
 ever becoming deranged by excessive com- 
 mendable studiousness ; you are more like- 
 ly to go mad by vainly endeavoring to study 
 out ways and means to make money and 
 get a living wiohout work -such are your 
 sordid desires and poudrettical inclinations. 
 I wonder what Nature was thinking about 
 when she cast them, with all the purer in- 
 gredients, into the mould of humanity! 
 But my brother fools— those who call them- 
 selves philosophers — are too apt to under- 
 take the investigation of matters as much 
 beyond the reach of human comprehension 
 as the moon is above the roach of a squirt- 
 gun, and about the how and the wherefore 
 of which the Creator of the universe intend- 
 ed them to know no more than the blind 
 mole knows about astronomy. There are 
 simple mysteries which no mortal can solve; 
 and yet, brethren, you will confuse the or- 
 der and arrangement of your upper stories 
 in attempting to unravel them. You never 
 
 In 
 I ... 
 
 ^>w; 
 
 «uj>r<n 
 
 LrtSm ' 
 
H 
 
 
 I 
 
 llipl 
 
 150 row's PATENT SERMONS, 
 
 can Tinderstand how a tree grows — how the 
 invisible wind can have strength aufficient 
 to wrestle with the giant forest trees, and 
 lay them flat on their backs in less than 
 half of a wag of c woman's tongue — what 
 keeps the earth, sun, moon and stars for 
 ever roUing ; and why, like us, poor, per- 
 ishing lumps of locomotive, they dor. t grow 
 the worse for wear — what makes the mag- 
 netic needle point to the north, and the fin- 
 ger'ofHope upwards— how lightning can 
 travel tho" sands of miles upon the tele- 
 graphic wire, in just no time at all — why a 
 pig carries a straw in his mouth before 
 rain — and how it happens that you are so 
 'fearfully and wonderfully made.' These 
 things you never can uni-iddle ; neverthe- 
 less, you will keep digging at them, study- 
 in^ at (not into) them, till finally your 
 thinkers become wearied by being over- 
 tasked, and refuse to perform their func- 
 tions with anything like their wonted re- 
 gularity. You have studied hard, and learn- 
 ed nothing after all. One man goes crazy 
 because he can't comprehend who teaches 
 the spider how to spin and to weave, while 
 his daughters can be taught neither the one 
 nor the other; another, because it is im- 
 possible for him to know how the hornet 
 and the wasp can make good brown paper 
 without ever having learned the trade ; a 
 third, because the mason-bee understands 
 the making of mortar without the least in- 
 
 
 I 
 
I. 
 
 DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 151 
 
 -how the 
 aufficient 
 'ees, and 
 ess than 
 le — what 
 stars for 
 >or, per- 
 il/ 1 grow 
 he mag- 
 i the fin- 
 ling can 
 the tele- 
 l — why a 
 h before 
 1 are so 
 ' These 
 lever the- 
 1, study- 
 lly your 
 3g over- 
 iir func- 
 nted re- 
 ad learn- 
 es crazy 
 teaches 
 '"e, while 
 p the one 
 b is im- 
 j hornet 
 n paper 
 trade; a 
 erstands 
 least in- 
 
 
 struction ; and a fourth, because the honey- 
 bee is familiar with the principles of geo- 
 metry and architectures with out the know- 
 ledge of books or having gone abroad for 
 information. I once knew a lunatic, my 
 brethren, who in his partially -lucid mo- 
 ments declared that what * knocked nis 
 brains into Pi' was the endeavor to find out 
 the beginning of God — how the world could 
 have been made out of nothing — and why 
 the devil couldn't have been created a gen- 
 tleman instead of a scoundrel, since the 
 cost of the raw material was precisely the 
 same, and the manufacture attended with 
 no greater trouble nor expe^je. These 
 mysterious matters, my dear friends, should 
 never bother you : what you can't unriddle, 
 learn to let alone : that's the way I do when 
 I look at a crab going it sidewise upon an 
 overland journey to the sea- shore. 
 
 My dear friends: it is impossible for you 
 to acquire any great amount of madness 
 by endeavoring to grow good; notwith- 
 standing people generally will look upon 
 vou as NON COMPOS if you try to be good 
 by doing good in this fashionably- wicked 
 world. Pay no attention to , what Mrs. 
 Grimes or Mrs. Grundy may say, but ad- 
 minister the soothing syrup of sympathy 
 to iae sick — pour out at least half a glass 
 of pity for the unfortunate — give as much 
 aid and comfort to the poor and needy as 
 you can righteously afford — ^be charitable, 
 
 
 4 ■** 
 
 '4i *«• 
 
 4 
 
 gtus 
 
 *^' 
 

 
 
 '"-^-li 
 
 152 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 benevolent and kind to all your fellow be- 
 ings— leave politics to the himgiy fishers 
 lor ottice : the management of the wind and 
 weather to Nature, and preaching to me- 
 
 ^. '•!, Z^? ^'"^ ^^^"^ ^^^^ *o a mad-house! 
 It will be becaupe you are too sooer, ra- 
 tional and sensible to keep company with 
 the common multitude of lunatics at large. 
 So mote it be! ' ^ 
 
 PLAIN PREACHING. 
 
 T£XT.-On Bible stilts I don't affect to stalk, 
 
 Aor laiYl with Scriptures my familiar talk : 
 
 J? or man may pious texts repeat. 
 And yet religion have no inward seat. 
 
 MyHeaeers: I suppose you have found 
 
 ^tii^L iJ-h/^'-"' ^^'■^\^'^'^^'^ n^eddle much 
 with the Bible m my homespun discourses 
 —never poach upon the possession of ffos- 
 pel preachers ; but, upon my own hook, per- 
 lectly free and independent, givin- the 
 truth, the whole truth, and soJeZ^s (to 
 be hbeml) more than the truth-uninfluen^ 
 ced by favor unswayed by motive, and un- 
 deterred by fear. This is the way I do-I 
 myself, Dow J.^^ P p p,,,,^ 'i>reachei; 
 
 npv Jl« i % ^"'?^ ^^^^ Sermonizer. I 
 never lai^i with scripture my plain, fomiliar 
 
 fn ^.f ^««« ^ don'i think myself quali- 
 fied to the task of explaining the hidden 
 meanings contained in the book of mysta^ 
 
illow be- 
 y fishers 
 wind and 
 ? to me; 
 id-house, 
 )Der, ra- 
 tny with 
 at large. 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 153 
 
 tallc, 
 
 iliartalk: 
 repeat, 
 seat. 
 
 e found 
 ile much 
 ^courses 
 of gos- 
 )ok, per- 
 ing the 
 mes (to 
 influen- 
 and un- 
 : do— I, 
 reacher, 
 izer. I 
 familiar 
 f quali- 
 hidden 
 nystcr- 
 
 
 ics. "While others ' holler' upon religion, 
 I hammer upon morality— and I do believe 
 that, take it in and out, altogether, and 
 every way, morality operates more benefi- 
 cially upon society than religion. Because 
 why— about half the religion, nowadays, is 
 as impure as the water of a goose-pond — a 
 counterfeit mess of stuff, unfit for the re- 
 demption of a Bedouin Arab : whereas, mo- 
 rality is more palpable, and admits of no 
 disguise. It is plain, unassuming and un- 
 changing — the saltpetre that saves a man's* 
 reputation, and the brine in which his 
 earthly happiness is pickled. 
 
 My friends: in my sermons, I, most 
 generally, mean what I say. I tell you to 
 live virtuously, because I believe you will 
 be the happier for it ; to live honestly, and 
 you will get through the world smoothly ; 
 live prudently, and you will be prepared 
 for all the little unexpectancies of life, that 
 seem to rise from the ground, like moths 
 and millers in the dusk of evening : live 
 temperately, and probably neither Death 
 nor the Devil will catch you napping at the 
 half-way house upon the high road of ex- 
 istence. 
 
 My hearers : endeavor to be contented 
 with your situations till the time arrives for 
 bettering them. Uneasiness wastes the 
 body and undermines the health ; and the 
 soul must easily fret itself out of house and 
 home. 
 
 It 
 
 •i« 
 
 
 m 
 
 
 1$ 
 
 
 ,1 
 

 ■#«'■ 
 
 154f DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 If you were all to govern yourselves, tlie 
 world would need but little governing. But 
 man is a hog, anyhow— he will neither be 
 coaxed nor driven, and yet hu wants some- 
 body to look after him. Yes, and woman 
 18 a hogess. 
 
 Learn to bear disappointments cheerful- 
 ly. What has happened can't be altered ; 
 a bad-fitting co.it may be, however— ay, the 
 coat may be altered, but the fact of the 
 tailor having made a mistake can never be 
 helped. 
 
 Try hard to promote the happiness of 
 others. 
 
 If you succeed, your own happiness will 
 be put up several notches. It always gives 
 mepleasure to see even a dog tickled. 
 
 Have a sacred regard for truth and 
 honesty : a fond regard for each other ; a 
 generous regard for the different principles 
 and opinions of mankind; and a particular 
 regard for the fair sex. Live as you ought 
 to live, and take good care not to die ' as 
 the fool dieth.' So mote it be ! 
 
 The lady who sent me the billet-doux 
 commencing with ' What is that thing we 
 call a kiss ?' &c., is solicited to send me 
 another equally as rich. 
 
i. 
 
 elves, tlie 
 ing. But 
 either be 
 its some- 
 l 'Woman 
 
 clieerful- 
 altered ; 
 — iiy, the 
 3T of the 
 never be 
 
 Diness of 
 
 Less will 
 lys gives 
 led. 
 
 Lith and 
 )ther ; a 
 finciples 
 irticular 
 u ought 
 die *as 
 
 let-doux 
 hing we 
 end me 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 155 
 
 THE THREAD OP NATURE. 
 
 Text— My thread is small, my thread is fine. 
 But he must be 
 A atronser than thee 
 Who can break this thread of mine. 
 
 My Hearers : the thread of mystery is a 
 fine one indeed; and yet it is so strong that 
 neither a Hercules in sinew, nor a giant in 
 wisdom, can snap it. There are thousands 
 and thousands of mysterious cobwebs, 
 clustering about the dark corners of this 
 world, which seem as if they might be as 
 easily brushed away as the spider-nets of a 
 night ; but, when you give them a brush 
 with the broom of philosophy, they are still 
 
 THERE. 
 
 My hearers : the thread of Nature is very 
 delicately drawn, but none can rend it in 
 twain, nor rub off a particle of the myste- 
 rious furze that encompasses it. Why a 
 young duck, as soon as it shakes its shell 
 from its hindermost, should take to the 
 water, is a mystery. How new-born babes 
 should know enough to draw at the lactes- 
 cent fountain, and how the milk should 
 happen there exactly in time to meet the 
 demand, is a mystery. How tadpoles (in- 
 cipient frogs) contrive to get rid of their 
 tails, what become of their discarded ex- 
 tremities, and how their littlepin-punctured 
 mouths longitudinate to such awful capa- 
 
 "I 
 
 
 
 
 i 
 
 ■cm ■ 
 
:*,.. 
 
 *',. 
 »i«i' 
 
 156 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 ciousncss as they exhibit in after years is 
 a mystery. Why women naturally prefer 
 the company of men, and men that of wo- 
 men, is a mystery. Why the tendrils of the 
 hop-vmecurl to the left, and why ladies 
 m walkmg, look over the left shoulder to 
 examine a dress behind them, is a mystery 
 How the invisible filaments of the moon 
 lasten thunder bolts upon, and drag about 
 the waters of the wondrous deep- what 
 poV«rer causes the magnetic needle to 'point 
 like a finger, to the pole ; and why humans' 
 with all their wisdom and intelligence 
 should have bestial propensities, is all a 
 mystery. 
 
 My dear friends : the thread of Nature is 
 somewhat tangled, as well as strong; and 
 the more you pick at it, the tighter the 
 knots appear to become drawn. You can 
 neither unravel nor snap it~nor make it 
 different from what it is, any more than 
 you can alter the rays of the everlasting 
 sun, or tarnish the eternal lustre of truth 
 bociety may assume an outward artificial 
 aspect; and yet Nature must and will take 
 Its course Your teeth were made to mas- 
 ticate both vegetable and animal food: and 
 J^fature never will allow more than a few 
 notionalists to live upon ' greens' entirely. 
 Ihe God of Nature has created vou mat 
 and lemale for a purpose too apparent to 
 ---'^ explanation; and let Shakersi monks, 
 ts, old maids and bachelors say what 
 
 her 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 157 
 
 years, is 
 ly prefer 
 at of wo- 
 :-ilsofthe 
 y ladies, 
 3ulder to 
 inystery. 
 he moon 
 ag about 
 p; what 
 :o point, 
 humans, 
 lligence, 
 
 is all a 
 
 Mature is 
 ng; and 
 iter the 
 YovL can 
 make it 
 )re than 
 rlasting 
 )f trutli. 
 irtificial 
 oil take 
 to mas- 
 od; and 
 n a few 
 ntirely. 
 XI male 
 irent to 
 monks, 
 ly what 
 
 they may, it is your duty to got married, 
 and thereby accomplish one of the most 
 important ends for which you were sent 
 into the world. Eat when you are hungry 
 —drink when you are dry— sleep when you 
 are sleepy — rest when you are weary — sin<7' 
 when you are merry— out with the truti 
 before it can have time to turn to a lie- 
 and kiss whenever you can. In short, fol- 
 low the simple dictates of Nature in every- 
 thing, and you will find far more happiness, 
 and meet with fewer ills and difficulties, 
 than by arraying yourselves in opposition 
 to her ways— which are not to be barked at. 
 bo mote it be ! 
 
 NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE. 
 
 Text.— E'en guides may sometimes miss tlieirway, 
 
 Deceived by sore mischances; 
 And righteous men be led astray 
 
 By change of circumstances, 
 Tbe truest balance sometimes fails, 
 
 E'en wlien 'tis best adjusted, 
 And strong temptation may prevail 
 
 'Gainst those wliom most we've trusted. 
 
 My Hearers : the best miss it, sometimes 
 —I know I do myself. Practising at pistol- 
 shooting the other day, at my friend's, Mr. 
 Ottignon, I had the heart to endeavour to 
 hit the heart of one whom they call a 'man;' 
 bat I missed it. Trying again, however, I 
 had the fortune to effect my cruel purpose ; 
 
'%,t!^< 
 
 
 I. 
 
 0f' 
 
 158 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 and yet, moreover, whereas, nevertheless 
 as he hadn't the courtesy to fall, I looked 
 upon him as ' no gentleman,' but a ' hard 
 character,' and one with whom neither 
 words nor dealings were of any avail. With 
 all my self-reliance and natural confidence 
 I not only missed my way for once, but got 
 hold of the wrong customer entirely, t can 
 • teach the young idea how to shoot,' a good 
 deal better than I can do the shootincr for 
 It. If It only does as I say, it will do^'well 
 enough; but if it always does as I do, the 
 mark will sometimes be missed. Even 
 guides may sometimes miss their wav 
 rightly says my text. If you expect me, or 
 any other poor but honest preacher, to guide 
 you along a dark and dubious world like 
 this without getting into an occasional 
 moral mudhole, you put your expectations 
 where they will be likely to get damaged. 
 We can t always go right if we would; and if 
 we could, I doubt whether a hundredth of us 
 would— for it is human to en- and go astray 
 bo then man's nature must be changed be- 
 fore Le can follow strictly the path of pro- 
 priety without deviating to the right or to 
 the left. When his God phall give him in- 
 stinct instead of reason for his guide he 
 will walk straight— but not until then. * 
 
 My friends : that virtuous men may be 
 led astray by change of circumstances, is a 
 melancholy fact. Wl»en a man becomes 
 poor, and gets hard up, with big owl-eyed 
 
3. 
 
 ertheless, 
 I looked 
 
 a 'HARD 
 
 I neither 
 ail. With 
 infidence, 
 e, but got 
 ly. I can 
 'T/ a good 
 oting for 
 li do well 
 I DO, the 
 I. Even 
 eir way, 
 cb me, or 
 , to guide 
 orld like 
 ccasional 
 ectations 
 lamaged. 
 d; and, if 
 dth of U8 
 fo astray, 
 nged be- 
 
 of pro- 
 ?ht or to 
 
 hitn in- 
 :uide, he 
 len. 
 
 may be 
 ices, is a 
 becomes 
 Dwl-eyed 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 ir>9 
 
 starvation staring at him from a short dis- 
 tance, he will turn off and go devil-ward in 
 spite of all pious pushings in tlie contrary. 
 Kighteoiisness and roast beef are luxuries 
 that he can't afford ; and so he serves Satan 
 for something to season and make palate- 
 able the cold porridge of poverty. There is 
 no knowing, my friends, what we might do 
 if our circumstances were unfortunately to 
 change. Destitution will sin for a sixpence, 
 and Hunger and Thirst will keep themselves 
 where they can get a chance, without regard 
 to right or wrong. 
 
 My friends : attempt to go as straight as 
 you will, you are all certain, at times, to 
 step off the moral track. Even pastors and 
 bishops do things that heaven don't like to 
 look at ; and there is no one living in this 
 little round world but whose soul is more or 
 less bespotted with petty sins and insignifi- 
 cant iniquities. The truest balance may fail, 
 no matter how well it be adjusted; and a few 
 intoxicating drops may sometimes find their 
 way accidentally into the soda of temper- 
 ance Some temptations are strong — very 
 strong. If they can't draw an omnibus half 
 a mile, tliey are strong enough, to snap the 
 stoutest halter of resolution ever twisted by 
 the human will. Oh, it is most amazing hard 
 to resist some of the temptations that beset 
 us as we journey through life ! If the spirit 
 wrestle with them, there is danger of its get- 
 ting the worst of it. But I would have you, 
 
 
 l*» 
 
 
 ■i ■ 
 
 
IGO 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 my friends, give them a try in all cases; for 
 there is no telling what might be done, 
 since Samson slew the Philistines. So mote 
 it be ! 
 
 0' 
 
 GOOD DEEDS SHINE. 
 
 Text. — How far that little candle throws his beams! 
 So shiues a good deed in a naughty world. " 
 
 M;^ Heaeeks : you must make all due 
 allowance for my homely discourses, when 
 I tell you that I never bestow a pre- thought 
 upon them. When the period arrives for 
 putting them out, I jump up and holler, 
 as near to the mark as I can bring the poor 
 faculties to bear. If I hit it I feel proud, 
 and if I miss it I content myself with the 
 idea that it is the lot of humanity to err at 
 times, as the drunken man said when he 
 mistook the pig-pen for his bed-room. But, 
 to my text. No man, my friends, lights a 
 candle and puts it in his pocket, nor under 
 a bushel ; but he lets it shine, that all may 
 see and be seen by it. A little candle throw s 
 its beams a good way, and devours darkness 
 equal to a million 'imes its magnitude. It 
 is seen from a long distance, and is an ob- 
 ject of attraction, if not admiration, to man- 
 kind generally, as well as to moths and mil- 
 lers. So, verily, even so, shines a good deed 
 amid the darkness of a wicked world — glow- 
 ing, the will-o'-the-wisp, by the putrid pools 
 
 am- 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 161 
 
 of iniquity, and over the dead marshes of 
 immortality. 
 
 Mj fi'iends : a good deed will stick out, 
 with an inclination to spread, like the tail 
 of a peacock. It is bound to shine, for a 
 certainty ; and the more it is surrounded 
 by vices, follies, crimes and ungodly deeds, 
 the greater is its lustre, and the more 
 strongly is it admired. Good deeds are no- 
 ticed and praised, even by the most de- 
 praved : their brightness is attractive, and 
 their savor is sweet ; but evil actions, like 
 crushed rotten eggs, stink in the nostrils of 
 all— from the highest angel in heaven down 
 to the lowest robber of a hen-roost. Good 
 deeds command the respect of the world- 
 no matter to whom belongs the paternity, 
 whether he wear a white skin, or exhibit the 
 sooty habiliments of the Ethiopian. So Vir- 
 tue shines, in the murky atmosphere of vice, 
 like a little candle— like the star of evenino'' 
 peeping through a crevice in the clouds— 
 like the fair round moon at midnight— ay, 
 hke the eternal sun in the heavens, dis- 
 pensing light, cheerfulness and joy to all. 
 
 My dear friends : what are good deeds ? 
 They are these : visiting the fatherless in 
 their afflictions— those foundlings, who have 
 been dropped by the wayside, like a duck's 
 ^os ^7 '^ niUvihole — giving them comfort 
 and a few coppers, to cheer and assist them 
 upon their lonely and helpless career; visit- 
 ing, too, the widows in their melancholy 
 
 ■id 
 4 
 
 
 iw» 
 
 #•»! 
 
 m 
 
 
 q .jljyi 
 
■ -I 
 
 
 I i 
 
 €«'! 
 
 
 «t** 
 
 l;i.fj| 
 
 162 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 moments— gently stroking them with the 
 liand of sympathy, and doing your pret- 
 tiest, not only to reconcile them to their 
 solitary situations, but to give them hopes 
 of a husband to come : looking after the 
 orphans, whose clambering minds need as- 
 sistance and care, to prevent their youno- 
 tendrils from clinging to poisonous and 
 dangerous objects. These are all good '-'"h ds; 
 but better still for you is to keep you-seives 
 clear of the grease-spots of the world : pay 
 all you honestly owe to your God and to 
 your fellow creatures : take no unjust ad- 
 vantage of any man : assist any one, friend 
 or foe, in his hour of trouble : be, at all times, 
 charitable, benevolent, open, frank and 
 honest — and the lustre that will surround 
 ^ou will as much outshine the light of a 
 ittle candle, as the noonday su.. f^'irpasses 
 the feeble, phosphorescent glow emanating 
 from the tail-end of a lightning-bug. So 
 mote it be ! 
 
 LIES, INNOCENT, AND WICKED. 
 
 Text— Ye have no cause to fear— be bolde. 
 For be may here lie uncontrouled, 
 And ye iu this ha'-e good advanntage, 
 For Jyeiagis your common usage, 
 
 Mr Hearers : telling a lie, with a bokl, 
 brazen face, and sticking to it — or proppin*^ 
 it up with a multitude of minor lies— some- 
 
 
 I 
 
s. 
 
 ■ with the 
 ^our pret- 
 i to their 
 em hopes 
 
 after the 
 8 need as- 
 eir yoiiiif^ 
 nous and 
 >.^d'^p ds; 
 ^^oi4 ■■selves 
 )rld: pay 
 d_ and to 
 njust ad- 
 'ne, friend 
 : all times, 
 rank and 
 
 surround 
 Lght of a 
 fS'Trpasses 
 manatiiig 
 bug. So 
 
 [OKED. 
 
 boMe, 
 
 led, 
 
 "intage, 
 
 L a hold, 
 propping 
 !S — somcv 
 
 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEliMONS. 1G3 
 
 times helps a man on wonderfully in this 
 world : but, m his passage to the next, there 
 is no question but they will be a dead ;ei<^ht 
 upon him. They will so. And as for any 
 ot you, my hsteners, ever thinking to get to 
 heaven with a load of lies upon your con 
 sciences, you might as soon contemplate 
 Bwimming through Hell-Gate with a gS 
 stone m each hand. Nevertheless, it is gene- 
 rally supposed that you can carry them to 
 the edge of your graves, and there shake 
 them off with a good repentant shake-- 
 scatter them to the four winds of heaven-^ 
 Tf m^"".^ scattereth the mud when he 
 shaketh by the duck puddle. Verilv it k 
 so ; else none can be saved-for none liveth 
 and lieth not. Lies are necessary evils God 
 never would have allowed the Devil to plant 
 so many lies m the soil of man's moral na- 
 ture, and permitted them to flourish so ex- 
 tensively, were they not for some useful 
 purpose. When judiciously managed, they 
 are a grea help to a body, and will admi^t 
 of a leetle teenty mite of justification at any 
 rate. Yes, friends, we all lie- every body 
 from tlie worst to the best, lies. Even Trath 
 herself lies; and it is no shadbw lyinc>- of 
 hers, either-for, is it notwrittentliut ' Ti^uth 
 hes at the bottom of a well ?' Ay—and tho 
 man lied that wrote it. ^ and the 
 
 f^^u^'^^'r^'- if y<^" .happen unguardedly, 
 foohshly-I may say mnocently-to set a 
 small spot upon your virtue, it were better 
 
 :J^ 
 
 «*»' 
 
 
 tifi 
 
 KDl. 
 
mi 
 
 d>'H 
 
 
 W 
 
 
 ■i I*'*' 
 
 l. 
 
 Mr 
 
 .1 
 
 ■ 
 
 if 
 
 161 DOW'S PATENT BSRMONS. 
 
 by all means to plaster a white lie over it 
 and be more careful for the future, thun to 
 own up and be for ever contaimnated iu the 
 uniorgivmg eyes of a relentless world If 
 you accidentally ups. t another man's por- 
 ndgowhenhiy back in turned, say "Twan't 
 I,' and sticjc to it, because confessing the 
 truth wouldn:. roplnee th^ porridge, and 
 might producer si. odding of claret. Cain 
 hea when he solo 'ut didn/t know what had 
 become of his murdered brother; but as it 
 was uttered 111 self-defence, no particular 
 notice was taken of it. Peter lied to screen 
 himself from the iuiputation of bein« in 
 what he supposed to be bad company ^ yet 
 Peter was not damned. But Anaanias and 
 bapphira desecrated the tr-'th through a 
 wicked design ; and they we.e struck dead 
 m consequence. Served 'em right. And 
 now, smce the world is given to lying, and 
 lying (as says my text) is a common 
 usage, every one must lie more or less oc 
 casionally, to keep up his end. But, before 
 you lie, brethren, make up your minds to 
 go into it strong; for a little callow fib 
 stands but a small chance among the bi^' 
 bouncing whoppers that are let loose now-' 
 
 ■^^l' . ^^ ^y ^"^^^ ^ope might have 
 said, but didn't : 
 
 A little lying is a dangerous thii]cr_ 
 Go your whole length, or never make alpring. 
 
 My dear friends; I: Mven and I give you 
 
 
4S. 
 
 ie over it, 
 e, tliuiito 
 ated iu the 
 world. If 
 nan's por- 
 y "Twan't 
 ;ssing the 
 idge, and 
 •et. Cain 
 
 what had 
 
 but, as it 
 particular 
 I to screen 
 
 being in 
 pany: yet 
 lanias and 
 brough a 
 ruck dead 
 lit. And 
 ^ing, and 
 
 common 
 ' less, oc- 
 ut, before 
 
 minds to 
 sallow fib 
 : the big, 
 )ose now- 
 ght have 
 
 I spring, 
 give you 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 165 
 
 libei'ty to lie just as much as you please, if 
 you don't injure any one by it. If you 
 send fortl^ a falsehood purposely for the 
 sake of g<3tting from another what is right- 
 fuilj his own— or to breed disturbance in 
 t])e little faiuily of Peace— or to soil the fair 
 fame of a fellow creature— or to cast even a 
 fly-speck upon the snowy vesrare of Virtue 
 —or to ruffie a single feather in the plume 
 of Friendship— why, then, I say, you de- 
 serve to be kicked to death by grasshoppers, 
 and hell made seven times hotter for your 
 reception. A wicked, wilful, venomous, ma- 
 licious, malignant lie is the most abhorrible 
 and poisonous serpent that ever crawled 
 among the grass, weeds and flowers of the 
 moral world. It is capable of doing more 
 injury than a mad bull in Broadway ; be- 
 cause the latter may only upset a few old 
 men and women who lack the legs to get 
 out of the way — but the former can ruin 
 the best of reputations, demolish the strong- 
 est of characters, get an innocent man hun o-, 
 and play the very teois in general ! The 
 inventor of such an infamous artificialhood 
 is worthy of a severer castigation than I 
 can give; but verily I say unto you, that 
 all such shall have their part in the lake 
 that burneth with fire and brimstone. 
 So mote it be ! 
 
 .U 
 
 t^jtr. 
 
 
 (4m 
 
 M 
 
 ■ilk: 
 
 
166 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 i 
 
 
 i 
 
 *w " ' 
 
 'J 
 
 ' 1.*;. 
 
 ! 
 
 f:^^:' 
 
 1^' 
 
 : :SfP''' 
 
 
 ■»| ..,M 
 
 i ■■ 
 
 : t, 
 
 I 1 
 
 s i: •.::! 
 
 J ! 
 
 1 1 
 
 ■ i. Is'^'il 
 
 
 V' ' ' 
 
 "i ! 
 
 4_..',> 
 
 i '■ ; 
 
 ■f"' . 
 
 
 ' '*•;'! 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 ■«* ■ 
 
 
 * '1 
 
 
 r '! 
 
 LIFE'S SUNNY SPOTS. 
 
 Text.— Though, call you life a gloomy waste, 
 It still hath sunny spots. 
 
 My Hearers : after looking intently awh ile 
 at heaven, tlirouf:fh the telescope manufac- 
 tured by Hope, Faith & Co., and then sud- 
 denly casting the eye over the country that 
 Moijtality must traverse, it certainly looks 
 like a dull, gloomy and dreary waste. It is 
 like turning directly from the dazzling sun- 
 shine into a dusky cellar— all is darkness 
 tor the moment— dark as an African con- 
 gregation in a thunder-storm ; but it soon 
 grows lighter, and we gradually discover 
 that we are not in such infernal and ever- 
 lasting darkness after all. It is an undeni- 
 able fact that the brightness of heaven casts 
 a silvery sheen and a golden glow upon this 
 leaden, terrestrial mass ; yet, if we gaze 
 long upon celestial splendors, our optics be- 
 come too dimmed to behold with distinct- 
 ness the bright and the beautiful belonging 
 to earth. Life hath many sunny spots, and 
 you can easily see them, if you be not pur- 
 blinded with the dazzlings of a more magni- 
 ficent world to come. It isn't as barren as 
 a sheep-pasture in a drought, all the way 
 from Dan to Beersheba, anyhow you can 
 make it : from man's ingress to his mortal 
 exit, he doesn't have to continually face and 
 buck up to northeasters, like the Mai'ch ram 
 
i. 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 1G7 
 
 y waste, 
 
 tly awhile 
 manufac- 
 then sud- 
 ntry that 
 ^nly looks 
 ite. It ia 
 iling sun- 
 darknosa 
 ican con- 
 t it soon 
 discover 
 md ever- 
 1 undeni- 
 ven casts 
 upon this 
 we gaze 
 •ptics be- 
 distinct- 
 elonging 
 pots, and 
 not pur- 
 3 magni- 
 arren as 
 the way 
 you can 
 8 moi-tal 
 face and 
 I'ch ram 
 
 in the almanac : life isn't one long, cloudy 
 day, look upon it in the most unfavorable 
 aspects you choose. In our darkest hours 
 of trouble and despondency, sunshine will 
 sometimes burst upon us as suddenly as a 
 bottle of ginger-pop. There are many 
 golden threads that might be woven in the 
 woof of human existence, if man would only 
 take the pains to pick them up. Alack ! it 
 is too true, that many of the beautiful flow- 
 ers that grace the margin of life's stream 
 are left to bloom unnoticed — to wither an<l 
 die, after having 'wasted their sweetness 
 upon the desert air !' But, by the great 
 mogul of gulls ! if my brother man has a 
 mind to be so foolish as to refuse the warm 
 sunlight and court the cold storm, I shall 
 consign him to the pity of that Providence, 
 whose tender mercies seem sometimes to bo 
 bestowed, with a reckless extravagance, up- 
 on objects as unworthy of a blessing as a 
 cockroach in a plum-pudding. 
 
 My hearers : I tell you there are many 
 sunny spots in life— as sunny as the south- 
 side of a Methodist meeting-house. To re- 
 ceive a kind favor li-om any one in this 
 frosty, uncharitable world, is finding a sun- 
 ny spot— a gladdening oasis in a dreary 
 desert. When, in a foreign land, and sur- 
 rounded by strangers, you come across a 
 true friend, whose sympathi-^rj naturally 
 melt and mingle with your owr- like bees- 
 wax and tallov/, you find a suauy spot— a 
 
 J 
 
 Htm 
 It'* 
 
 
 "J 
 
 i: 
 
 ■M > 
 
! ■! 
 
 ^^r. 
 
 •k"' 
 
 .,1 
 
 t 
 
 i 
 
 1 ' 
 
 ■ B-i'' 
 
 
 :* 
 
 i 
 
 :«.^'" 
 
 ^ i:;:* 
 
 ail' ; 
 
 US' 
 
 H--M' 
 
 *■*' '"1 
 
 *-F;.fiif KMI*': 
 
 
 168 row's PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 cheering glade in a gloomy forest. Domr^ 
 up courting— getting married- Lav luu a 
 good wife or husband— making up after a 
 quarrel— recovering from sickness— recov- 
 ering dam yges— suddenly receiving in full 
 from a dr-..ou8 debtor— a little unexpected 
 good luck- -or a lucky escape from a threat- 
 ened atr^ok of poverty— are all sunny spots 
 iiut some spots are more sunny than others- 
 some are as bright as a tinned roof beneath 
 an unclouded noonday sun, while others 
 are more like a patch of pale mo 3nshine 
 upon the sable garb of night The sun- 
 niest spot that ever shone in my dull exist 
 ence was the sparkling of that lovely an- 
 gelic creature Sarah Hawthorn; but/alas! 
 she kicked the bucket one day about sunset, 
 ^t^\ *^® ^^^'^^ *° darkness and to me ' 
 My hearers : there are Ftriking lights 
 and shades in the grand picture of life 
 They are thrown in ' ■) reii(ve it From a 
 monotonous tameness, vvhicn we, change- 
 seeking mortals, could hardly endure 
 V.mety we want, and vrr'; hy we must have 
 — altbouga we sometimes get more ca> enne 
 and mustard tl)an is pleasing to the palnte. 
 We are satisfied with each different t ason 
 as it rolls round, and why not w ' nne the 
 vicissitudes of this varying sphe; I ture 
 looks pleasant and smiling in sp. ig, » bile 
 takinc/ the nrst stitches towards her sum- 
 mer dress— in summer she appears lovely, 
 while elegantly attired from top to toe— 
 
-■-1/V iiJU iii 
 
 p after a 
 !S — recov- 
 igiu full 
 lexpected 
 I a tlireafc- 
 iny spots, 
 in others : 
 f beneath 
 le others 
 
 jnshine 
 fhe sun- 
 ull exist- 
 'vely an- 
 )ut, alas ! 
 it sunset, 
 i to me.' 
 tg lights 
 
 1 of life, 
 from a 
 
 change- 
 endure, 
 ust have 
 cayenne 
 d pabte. 
 3 fc uson 
 »me the 
 1 ture 
 ?, while 
 iv sum- 
 lovelj, 
 3 toe — 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 1C9 
 
 and, for my part, I admire her even when 
 the rude embraces of autumn have mussed 
 her hair and rumpled her drapery. 
 
 Now, my dear brethren, seek for sunny 
 spots and you will find them ; but if, like 
 melancholy owls, you are determined to 
 keep in the old woods of wo and misery 
 durinj? the day, and only come out at ni«,'ht 
 to complain of the darkness— why, th'en, 
 the sooner you are 0-p-h for another world,' 
 the better it will be for yon, and the com- 
 munity at large. We don't want grum- 
 bIv/3 here to ere., .e discord in the complete 
 orchestra of the iverse, or to mar the 
 social harmony tL.b exists among man- 
 kind. If you think here are no sunny 
 spots for you betwe( iLire and the latter 
 end c^f a natural lif ', I ad- e you to take a 
 short cut to eternity — an-^ equeath your 
 old boots to me. So mote it be ! 
 
 BEAUTY OF GENTLE WORDS AND 
 LOVING HEARTS. 
 
 Text.— A young rose in the summer time 
 
 Is beautiful to me, 
 And glorious the many stars 
 
 Th^t glimmer on the sea ; 
 But gentle words and loving hearts, 
 
 And hauds to clasp my own. 
 Are bcttei- far than the brightest flowers. 
 
 Or stars that ever shone ! 
 
 My Hearers : a youig rose, growing up- 
 
 
 ,» 
 
 :% 
 
 
 
170 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 
 ■\„A 
 
 ;;#'" 
 
 
 
 on tlio edge of summer, and expanding 
 each day more and more into the circle of 
 one's admiration, is indeed a true emblem 
 of beauty and lovliness. There ia some- 
 tliinf; about it more calculated to arrest 
 the attention, and command the love, of a 
 wanderer in a wilderness, than any other 
 llower that ever bloomed in garden gay, or 
 strove to ornament a desert drear. What 
 this something is, 1 can't say: but certain 
 it is, let a perfect stranger to the children 
 of Flora come across a young rope in his 
 travels, among the weeds and wild flowers 
 of the world, and he goes up to it, and 
 kisses it, with all confidence in its modest 
 attractions — and he finds no poison there. 
 So the boy approached the skunk— patted 
 him, and called him his pretty pet posey, 
 because he ' stunk so sweet;' but, by and 
 by he began to stink sweeter still — and 
 finally his 'breath smelt so strong of onions/ 
 he was obliged to leave him without cere- 
 mony, consoling himself with the idea that 
 he was nothing more nor less than a vic- 
 tim of misplaced confidence. But not so 
 with the rose, my dear friends. It never 
 does — like the blossoms of the dogwood, 
 hemlock and buttercup — allure to injure. 
 You go up to it, instinctively as it were, 
 and you take a smell — and, the more you 
 smell, the more you are delighted. There 
 is no treachery about it. It is true, it is 
 guarded by thorns to prevent its being too 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 171 
 
 cpandin'T 
 circle of 
 emblem 
 is some- 
 ;o arrest 
 3ve, of a 
 ly other 
 L gay, or 
 ■. What 
 1 certain 
 children 
 e in hia 
 . Howera 
 it, and 
 modest 
 N there, 
 —patted 
 i posey, 
 by and 
 ;ill— and 
 i" onions,' 
 ut cere- 
 dea that 
 1 a vie- 
 not so 
 '.t never 
 ogwood, 
 ' injure, 
 it were, 
 ore vou 
 Th'ere 
 lie, it is 
 eing too 
 
 
 rou:::Jily handled— nnd Nature always plants 
 a safeguard somewhere or other upon tlio 
 onlsldrts of Beauty, Virtue and Modesty. 
 How strong the resemblance between it 
 and a lovely young woman ! Like her, it 
 blooms to adorn and make plensant the 
 apparently dull places of eartli. Like her, 
 it sheds a sweetness upon the atmosphere 
 around, and upon, the souls of all who come 
 near enough to receive it— no matter whe- 
 ther I have reference to the moral or intel- 
 lectual fragrance emitt'^l by the youn» 
 lady, or to tiiat which she procures at the 
 shop of the perfumer. Like her, it gently 
 inclines its head, and blushes at the ea-rn- 
 estand admiring gaze of beholders; and 
 as to the stem being set with thorns, I have 
 only to remark, that I never yet rashly and 
 imprudently grabbed at a feminine with- 
 out being pricked by more pins about the 
 back of her frock than ought to be allowed 
 by either civil or ecclesiastical law. 
 
 My hearers : the stars are glorious, that 
 glisten in the aerial ocean above, and glim- 
 mer upon the dark blue ocean below. They 
 are the perennial blossoms of tlje skies ; and 
 when the flowers of earth are all faded and 
 gone — when the autumnal frosts or wintry 
 snows make the landscape look sad and 
 drear, we look up and find that the heavens 
 still bloom to cheer us. The stars are love- 
 
 fious 
 
 
 J 
 
 
 
 I 
 
 
 I'lOUS 
 
 glc 
 
 still are gentle words and loving hearts 
 
172 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 
 .1 . !; '*,''"'|l 
 
 ,i;» ■ .' 
 
 1: 
 
 and hands to kindly grasp our own wifh a 
 firmness that speaks of friendship, ready 
 made and unfailing, and not that sort of 
 article which so many manufacture foi' an 
 occasion. You know, my hearers, that, 
 without friends, the world were but a wil- 
 deraess, wild and dreary, and it is for you 
 to promote your own happiness, by warm- 
 ing each others' hearts by Gentle Words 
 and ©eeds of Kindness — thereby causing 
 the young buds of friendship to blossom 
 with as much beauty and brightness as the 
 new-blown posies of youthful love. Do 
 away with all envy, jealousy, malice and 
 party strife. Have no ungentle words 
 about politics, religion, or law — love one 
 another (the sex especially) — get married, 
 and live as though you considered yourselves 
 all members of one great family— and the 
 devil will soon have to shut up shop and 
 give up business for want of customers. 
 So mote it be ! 
 
 ■n 
 
 
'^n with a 
 p, ready 
 t sort of 
 re foi' an 
 rs, that, 
 lit a wil- 
 3 for you 
 y warm- 
 e Words 
 causing 
 blossom 
 38 as the 
 ^e. Do 
 lice and 
 } words 
 love one 
 married, 
 urselves 
 -and the 
 hop and 
 stomers. 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. I73 
 
 EATING, DRINKING AND THINKING 
 
 TEXT.-If a man would be dry, let him drink, drink 
 drink, ' 
 
 Tf a man vvould be wise, let him think. 
 
 think, thujk, ' 
 
 If a man would be rich, he must work 
 
 work, work, ' 
 
 If he would be fat, eat pork, pork, pork. 
 
 But, if 
 
 A man with ease would study, he must eat 
 
 eat, eat, ' 
 
 But little at dinner, of his meat, meat 
 
 meat, ' 
 
 And a youth, to be distinguished in his 
 
 art, art, art. 
 Must keep the girls away from his heart. 
 
 heart, heart. 
 
 My Heareks : to keep continually dry, al- 
 ways wear an oilcloth dress, carry a good 
 umbrella, and nr. „ctise rum-drinking. The 
 first two articles, however, are only essential 
 m protecting the outside from superabund- 
 ant moisture ; but the latter keeps the inside 
 as dry as a stove-pipe. 1 never knew a 
 drinker but was eternally dry— dry in all 
 kinds of weather. He goes to bed dry, ^ets 
 up dry, and keeps himself dry throughl:he 
 day. It's not to be wondered at ; for how 
 can he be otherwise than dry, when he keeps 
 the blue blazes of hell contantly burning in 
 his bosom, by pouring double-distilled dam- 
 nation down his threat? In fact, my bre- 
 
 ;i^ 
 
 im 
 
 t! ■■■*«! 
 
i^^^ 
 
 ^ir* 
 
 t '',t' 
 
 17 i DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 thern, the drunkard is for ever dry. The 
 more he drinks, the drier he grows; on his 
 death-bed he calls for 'one more drink for 
 the last,' and then goes out of the world as 
 thirsty as though he had lived upon salt 
 codfish all the days of his life. I shouldn't 
 much wonder if he called for a brandy 
 cocktail at the Bar of Judgment ; and there 
 19 no doubt but he would prefer goin^r to 
 Tophet to abiding in Heaven, if they only 
 sold rum there ! *^ 
 
 My friends : if you would be wise, you 
 r^ust think, think, think. It's a matter of 
 doubt to me whether Highty fools or intel- 
 ligent dogs do the most thinking. You, 
 perhaps, think you think as much" as the' 
 greatest philosophers ; but the deuce of it is 
 what do you think about, and what does it 
 amount to ? The gems of wisdom lie deeply 
 buried, and they can be obtained only by 
 great mental toil. You must dig for theni, 
 like a dog for a woodchuck, or you don't 
 get them. The beginning of wisdom, said 
 my old friend Solomon, (and he knew a 
 thing or two,) is the fear of the Lord— to 
 which I will add : a defiance of the devil 
 the doctor and the sheriff. ' 
 
 My hearers: if you would be rich, you 
 must work— work like new cider. Idleness 
 eats big holes through one's coat, jacket 
 -— — I--, ,-.^:x ix_ttji provxuuy iiicans 10 
 mend them. You must work your way to 
 Wealth, or you'll never get it. By bodily 
 
i. 
 
 arj. The 
 ^s ; on his 
 
 drink for 
 3 world as 
 ipon salt 
 shouldn't 
 a brandy 
 and there 
 
 going to 
 they only 
 
 ivise, you 
 matter of 
 
 or intel- 
 Lg. You, 
 1 as the 
 ce of it is, 
 L_t does it 
 ie deeply 
 
 only by 
 For them, 
 ^ou don't 
 lorn, said 
 
 knew a 
 Lord — to 
 he devil, 
 
 icli, you 
 Idleness 
 it, jacket 
 ;ij.cans to 
 ir way to 
 »y bodily 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 175 
 
 and brainly exertion, remove every obstacle 
 that Doubt and Fear have implanted in your 
 paths— blast, if necessary, the rock of 
 salvation— and you will acquire riches ; but 
 look out that you do not bring a plague 
 upon your peace, and lose your own soul 
 at last. 
 
 My dear friends : if you would be fat, eat 
 pork and every other kind of adipose mat- 
 ter ; and you will get as fat as a hog, and 
 twice as stupid. I have nothing further to 
 say upon this point. 
 
 But if, my hearers, you would study wit' 
 ease, and have the mind as active as a squir- 
 rel in a cage, you must be careful not to 
 weary the stomach with an overload of meat 
 and vegetables. The brains and the belly 
 —chum companions. They are so identifi- 
 ed, that whatever affects the one is sure to 
 move the other. Fancy won't stay about 
 the premises while a cart-load of roast beef 
 and plum-pudding is undergoing the pro- 
 cess of digestion : and Imagination takes 
 wing to get out of smelling distance 
 of the disgustful mass. To think clearly, 
 you must eat little and stir your stumps. 
 
 My young he friends : if you" would make 
 much headway in the world, aud arrive at 
 any degree of proficiency in your undertak- 
 ings, you must keep the girls away from 
 your heart. They are troublesome insects, 
 we all know; but you mustn't let theni 
 bother you when business demands your 
 
 -I 
 
 » 
 
 
176 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 undivided attention. Better marry them 
 at once — commit matrimonial suicide— than 
 allow them to plague you for a moment 
 So mote it be ! 
 
 4: 
 
 ON ATTRACTION. 
 
 Text.— Attraction is a curious power, 
 That uoue can understand;' 
 ' Its influence is everywhere, 
 
 In water, air and land. 
 It operates on everything— 
 
 The sea, the tide, the weather; 
 It brings the sexes close, smack up, 
 And binds them last together. 
 
 My Hearees : attraction is a mysterious 
 principle in nature, whereby one particle 
 or substance is drawn to, or directed towards 
 another. It bears upon the immaterial as 
 well as the material— upon mind as well as 
 matter— and where or how it obtains its 
 power IS yet an unsolved problem in the 
 science of prossleology. The magnetic 
 needle naturally points to the north star 
 when not swayed by some more immediate 
 influence ; and so our thoughts— when un- 
 hitched from the heavy cars of care and 
 business, or detached from the lic^hter 
 vehicles of earthly pleasure— are naturally 
 attracted to a higher world than this. 
 
 At night, especially, the imagiijation 13 
 called away, to gambcl in the golden sun- 
 light, and gather the unfading fJ.owersof the 
 
s. 
 
 Liry them 
 side— than 
 I moment. 
 
 her; 
 ck up, 
 ler- 
 
 lysterious 
 e particle 
 d towards 
 aterial as 
 is well as 
 btains its 
 Q in the 
 magnetic 
 rth star, 
 nmediate 
 when un- 
 care and 
 3 lighter 
 laturally 
 is. 
 
 ;iation is 
 len sim- 
 sr»ofthe 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEttMONS. 177 
 
 spirit-land. When the shades ofeveninn. 
 darken about us, our dormant fancies begin 
 to rise, like white-winged moths from the 
 meadows, and revel in the starry realms of 
 ideality. They betake themselves upwards 
 as nati7 •ally as chickens fly up to roost. 
 Kepulsea by the gloom and melancholy 
 that settles upon all things below, and at- 
 tracted by the cheerfulness of the prospect 
 above, they quit the dull earth, and speed to 
 those silvery isles of the blest, that gem the 
 dark blue ocean of heaven— there to trans- 
 plant a few of the mundane roses of hope 
 that shall bloom with immortal freshness 
 and beauty, when the young flowers of the 
 heart have all faded, and the blossoms of ioy 
 are fast dropping from the garland of life. 
 This is all the consequence of attraction, my 
 friends. When Aurora hoists the flood-gate 
 of the morn, and inundates half the world 
 with a deluge of glory, attraction confines 
 our thoughts to the earth ; for then ter- ' 
 restial objects wear mch a serene and love- 
 ly look, and our spirits are so lively and 
 buoyant that we feel as if we should like to 
 stay here for ever, and dance an annual ji^r 
 with oldfother Time, in commemoration ol" 
 his happy marriage with Eternity. 
 
 My friends : you can see the eff'ects of 
 attraction everywhere. Children, like ven-e^ 
 tables, are attracted upwards in growth l)y 
 the sun, rain, and atmosphere, till they ar- 
 riveat matm-ityj then the earth exerts a 
 444 M 
 
 i 
 
 
 ■■m\ 
 
 •S-4 
 
 »»'■ 
 
178 
 
 DOWS PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 
 r^ 
 
 
 
 1; ...r ■ 
 
 , ; 
 
 ::|.^ 
 
 
 i *!»'•• 
 
 : »>>•' 
 
 
 '■■It*' 
 
 
 .at* •■ 
 
 
 
 
 ■ !• ' ; %t t: 
 
 : i|; ■ 
 
 : 'I 
 
 ■ i 
 
 counter attraction, and they gradually 
 bow down to the dust, till finally they sink 
 into it, and disappear for ever. The drunk- 
 ard, while reeling homeward from the groo-. 
 gery, is attracted by both sides of the street, 
 which accounts for his diagonal move- 
 ments; and the hope of a comfortable 
 snooze in his own domicil ahead attracts 
 him onward. One particular side of that 
 fai&hionable thoroughfare to ruin, called 
 Broadway, possesses positive attraction, 
 as any one may see ; and that house, in 
 which dwells an adorable and adored youno- 
 damsel, contains attraction enough to draw 
 a beau of two hundred pounds weight, half 
 a mile out of the direct way from his board- 
 ing-house to the counting-room. There 
 is a mysterious, mutual attraction between 
 the sexes that my philosophy can't un- 
 ravel. They seem bound to approximate 
 by a law of nature ; and human law is no 
 more of a barrier in their way, than a brush 
 fence is to a mad bull in fly-time, or a 
 mud-puddle to the progress of gospel truth. 
 You might place, my friends, a lot of girls 
 in one part of the labyrinths of Egypt, and 
 a parcel of fellows in another, with the 
 most mazy and difficult windings between 
 — blindfold and mouth-gag them all and 
 leave them to themselves — and, my word 
 for it, you would find rhem all in a heap in 
 less than twenty minutes! Such is the 
 marvellous power of attraction. It oper- 
 
gradually 
 y they sink 
 riie drunk - 
 u the grog- 
 ' the street, 
 nal move- 
 omfortable 
 4 attracts 
 le of that 
 lin, called 
 attraction, 
 house, in 
 ►red young 
 gh to draw 
 eight, half 
 his board- 
 n. There 
 n between 
 can't un- 
 proximate 
 iaw is no 
 in a brush 
 ime, or a 
 3pel truth, 
 ot of girls 
 Igypt, and 
 
 with the 
 
 J between 
 
 1 all and 
 
 my word 
 
 a heap in 
 ch is the 
 
 It oper- 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 179 
 
 ates, as my text says, upon everything— 
 the sea, the tides, the weather; but more 
 palpable are its workings upon the he's 
 and she's of humanity. They will get to- 
 gether, as naturally as seeds of albpi^e 
 floating in a barrel of hot rum. His in- 
 fluence upon a couple of lovers is at first 
 gradual and almost imperceptible; but 
 watch them, and you will find that they 
 keep nearmg each other by hitcher, with 
 mcreased warmth and velocity, till at 
 length, they are brought * smack up' at the 
 altar of Hymen, and fastened together for 
 life— close rivetted, double-pegged and 
 back-stitched— so firmly adhered to one 
 another, that no moi-tal hath power to rip 
 them asunder. Then, as they twain are 
 one flesh, the husband has a perfect rio-ht 
 to flog his wife as an atonement for his own 
 sins, and she the privilege of pullint^ his 
 hairfor whatever errors she may commit 
 burely, the married are favored with liber- 
 ties and comforts which the unwedded 
 never can enjoy ! 
 
 Now, rny dear friends, I want you to let 
 those t.tungs mlluonce you the- most that 
 are the most attractive in themselves- 
 those are virtue, love, benevolence, morl 
 ality, justice and truth. Let these be your 
 - -J ^1. "!.j...^ittLj.-^ii uiirougu liic, ana you 
 will lap up large quantities of consolation 
 trom the broad platters of peace, amid the 
 trials and tribulation of a vexing world 
 feo mote it be ! 
 
 Ii 
 
 ins 
 
 J 
 
 
 'I 
 
180 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 
 
 „^.l.- 
 
 !li i h 
 
 ■I 
 
 ILLS IN MAN'S ESTATE. 
 
 Text.— Though trouble springs not from the dust, 
 Mor sorrow from the ground, 
 
 Yet ills on ills, by heaven's decree, 
 In man's estate are found. 
 
 As sparks in close succession rise. 
 So man, the child of wo. 
 
 Is doomed to endless care and toils. 
 
 \ 
 
 Through all his life below. 
 
 My Hearers: trouble, generally speak- 
 ing, does not spring from the dust : and 
 yet I have known that element to produce 
 it in large quantities. I drive on the third 
 avenue of a dry afternoon, with a slow 
 horse and a fast woman, which will attest 
 the fact — for, to be covered with dust and 
 indignity produces feelings that causes the 
 ants of trouble to crawl about the heart in 
 a most industrious manner. Carry super- 
 fluous dust upon your shoes into a parlor 
 causes trouble to the lady of the house— 
 and kicking up a dust at a political caucus 
 creates trouble enough to dim the fair pros- 
 pect of an election. Mosquitoes, fleas and 
 bedbugs are troubles that try both the 
 flesh and the spirit, which, if they don't 
 spring from the dust, are generated by mud 
 and filth, its first cousins. So you perceive, 
 my friends, that troubles, and despite the 
 text, do sometimes originate from dust; 
 and, since it is our lot to be disturbed by 
 them, we must endeavour to bear them 
 
I.. 
 
 s. 
 
 TB. 
 
 :)m the dust, 
 
 I, • 
 cree, 
 
 rise, 
 
 toils, 
 
 Ily speak- 
 iust: and 
 3 produce 
 1 the third 
 ;h a slow 
 will attest 
 dust and 
 causes the 
 3 heart in 
 rry super- 
 > a parlor 
 3 house — 
 3al caucus 
 I fair pros- 
 iieas and 
 both the 
 hey don't 
 id by mud 
 I perceive, 
 spite the 
 om dust; 
 urbed by 
 eai* them 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 181 
 
 with as good a face as possible — ay, as a 
 philosopher while submitting to a tooth- 
 pulling operation. 
 
 My hearers : Sorrow also arises from the 
 ground : the tares in our wheat fields cause 
 sorrow to many — the miasmas bred by 
 swamps are sources of sickness and sorrow 
 to more— and the sorrows that came from 
 the ground upon Egypt of old were a sore 
 trial for thousands. But, my dear hear- 
 ers, these are nothing to the ills sqrinkled 
 upon us from the hand of heaven. These 
 fall so thickly around us, that to attempt 
 to escape them were like dodging between 
 the rain-drops of a summer shower. When 
 I think of the multiplied, multifarious and 
 multitudinous ills that lie in wait for us all, 
 I can't help wondering how so many as 
 there do contrive to reach the summit 
 of life's hill, comparatively unscratched. 
 Head-aches, corn-aches, tooth-aches, bel— 
 stomach-aches, sores, wounds, bruises, gout, 
 rheumatism, cramps, spasms, convulsions, 
 wens, corns, cancers, consumptions, a 
 choice variety of fevers, and hosts of other 
 bodily complaints, render the road of ex- 
 istence a rough one at the best'. Then in- 
 wardly we have care, that pricks the bo- 
 som with its porcupine quills — grief, that 
 soaks and dissolves India rubber — sorrow, 
 that flings deep and gloomy shadows along 
 the once bright vista of memory — di&^p- 
 pointment, that embitters the sweet cup 
 
 
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 J3 
 
 182 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 of anticipation— doubfc, that keeps the 
 mind in a fog, and plucks many a feather 
 from the wmu-s of Hope-and despair, that 
 wraps the soul m midnight darkness, thick 
 enough to work a. with a pick axe and 
 
 Such, my friends, are a few of the ills 
 tliat abound in man's estate. They 8prin< 
 up around him as sparks in close succes- 
 sion nse; and no sooner is one extino-uished 
 than another makes itself distinguished TI 
 was attacked and almost assassinated, last 
 night, by a ferocious bedbug; but, as he 
 waswithout accecrt^ries, I eventually man- 
 aged to dispatch lam.] But, as I have said 
 befoj^, and to spc:i,t superlatively, the best 
 way for us to do k to face them courage- 
 ously-put up with their petty annoyances, 
 and defend ourselves as well as we can 
 Ironi their fatal stabs. However, since we 
 are born of woman, we must expect that 
 our days will be few and full of trouble • 
 for, by woman's sin came death into the 
 world, with all Its preliminary arrange, 
 nients, and by her transgression, the primi- 
 tive poison still circulates in the veins of her 
 posterity. Since then, the fountain of hu- 
 manity was rendered corrupt by the power 
 of the devil and the weakness of woman, we 
 must expect that the whole waters of our 
 
 lives will nn fYiriTfi rkv l^cc ».^„^J„ T^i • , 
 
 lives will be more or less muddy. Physical 
 ?11 as mental diseases, will attack 
 
 1 S, as WCx ^v-^vt*x vAxocaaca, win aiCaCK 
 
 us in dreadful array, down to the genera- 
 
rs. 
 
 row S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 183 
 
 eeps the 
 a feather 
 spair, that 
 less, thick 
 k axe and 
 
 f the ills 
 ey spring 
 je succes- 
 inguished 
 lished. [I 
 ated, last 
 lit, as he 
 illy man- 
 have said 
 , the best 
 courage- 
 loyances, 
 3 we can 
 since we 
 ect that 
 trouble : 
 into the 
 arrange- 
 le prirni- 
 ns of her 
 in of hu- 
 le power 
 man, we 
 rs of our 
 Physical 
 1 attack 
 genera- 
 
 tion that shall bare its bosom to the gene- 
 ral Judgment. Moral infirmities will con- 
 tinue to increase with the growth of wealth, 
 fashion and refinement : these will beget 
 bodily ailments ; and careful ills will pro- 
 duce an unhealthy action of the mental and 
 intellectual organs. Such a direfully down- 
 ward progress must certainly, if continued, 
 eventuate in the destruction of all that in- 
 habit the earth. As for me, myself, I give 
 up all for lost ; but the saving power of 
 Providence, and what little is left of moral 
 saltpetre, may yet wonderfully effect a sal- 
 vation — which is ardently to be hoped for, 
 but very little expected, ^o mote it be ! 
 
 TAKE MY ADYICE. 
 
 Text. — I would not have you follow tiie 
 Through mud, or on the ice ; 
 But you, with perfect safety, friends, 
 Can follow my advice. 
 
 My Hearers : if you were always to tread 
 directly in my footsteps, or in those of the 
 most pious pilgrims upon earth, you would 
 put your feet in more muddy spots, and get 
 more dirt upon your soles, than you may 
 at present imagine ; and occasionally, too, 
 find yourselves upon places slippery enough 
 to upset a cat, or turn a tortoise upon his 
 back. You have no business, brethren, to 
 
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 184 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 trouble yourselves, after I have dismissed 
 you lor the Sunday, as to where I go— 
 what I have for dinner, and whether I sav 
 grace or somethinj^ else over it—how I 
 spend the evening, and at what hour I com- 
 mence courting the goddess Sleep. This is 
 all ray concern— not yours ; and you have 
 no more right to meddle with the matter 
 than i have to mqitire why certain anci-els 
 hald not more respect for themselves than 
 to he seen m such a wicked city as Sodom 
 I lay down to you the moral law, with all 
 the noise and earnestness of an auctioneer 
 (as you may see by my figure-head), and 
 give you friendly counsel, spiced with good 
 humor, if not sugared with sincerity. Re- 
 ceive or reject-either way, I care no more 
 about It than a rose or a skunk of the per- 
 iume it sheds for all. ^ 
 
 But listen, my friends, to what I am 
 about to say. Keep out of debt, by pru- 
 dence and economy; keep out of law, by 
 acting honestly towards one another; keep 
 out of poverty, by sobriety and industry ; 
 get out of love as soon as possible, by mar- 
 rymg; and get out of the devils reach, by 
 getting behind my back.-He's afraid of 
 me since I last gave him Zuchy over upon 
 Wmd-whistle Island. It was a pretty 
 tough scratch, though ; for you would 
 hardly have known, at one time, which to 
 bet upon— the devil or Dow, Jr. 
 When you go a-fishing, brethren, in tho 
 
J dismissed 
 ere I go — 
 Jther I say 
 it — how I 
 our I com- 
 ;p. This is 
 i you have 
 he matter 
 ain angels 
 elves than 
 as Sodom. 
 , with all 
 luctioneer 
 lead), and 
 with good 
 rity, Re- 
 e no more 
 'f the per- 
 
 hat I am 
 t, by prii- 
 )f]aw, by 
 her; keep 
 ndustry ; 
 , by mar- 
 reach, by 
 afraid of 
 ver upon 
 a pretty 
 u would 
 which to 
 
 ;n, in the 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 185 
 
 waters of love, in the hopes of catching 
 something to ' help make a meal,' prepare 
 yourselves before you start in as take-in a 
 manner as possible. Throw out a pleasing 
 bait of deception, and you are bound to get 
 a bite ; and perhaps get bitten— in the end. 
 Beware of ale-wives ; they are not so good 
 as they look to be— neither is a ' stir-gin'—^ 
 but get something that you think you could 
 enjoy for ever. Then, when you have en- 
 tered upon the matrimonial state, your 
 success in the piscatory way will be cer- 
 tain; for, whenever you go out for a shiner, 
 just inform the fond partner of your bosom 
 of the fact, and you are sure to— catch it. 
 That's all about fishing. 
 
 When you pray, don't ' holler' as if hea- 
 ven were hard of hearing— it sounds too 
 niuch like hollow pretension; and besides, 
 it is enough to make Providence turn a deaf 
 ear to every earthly orison. Don't pray 
 with too much spirit, for too much spirit 
 is worse than too little ; but if the spirit 
 that is within you (excuse me) moveth you 
 to pray, pray humbly (for the Excise Law) 
 and ^ou will be heard much sooner than by 
 makmg a great bluster about it. Gently, 
 brethren, gently in all things ! 
 
 Take good care of that jewel of the soul, 
 Reputation. When once dropped into the 
 sea of disgrace, it is lost for ever ; and you 
 might as well whistle as to whine about it. 
 I don't know but you who have no repu- 
 
 
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 186 DOW'S PATENT SEBMONS. 
 
 tations to lose are the best off; for thon 
 
 can do pretty much as you like, unscaTi 
 dabzed un-church-mauled, and even un" 
 
 Jaws of the land and common decency 
 
 Husbands, love your wives : wivTs be 
 affectionate to your husbands: boys iove 
 
 M i"'^ 1 ' f "■^'' ^^^'* be afraid of the bo vs 
 old bachelors, try to get marr Ld old 
 
 cTmtt'yr ^^^^'^^'^^ '^ -^-«^ 'et tl 
 There are two ways to skin a cit o«,i 
 *r ^ays to,d„ a heart; two w^ts tiput 
 on a shirt, and two ways to mak/a shfft 
 two ways to tell a story, and two ways to 
 bestow cbanty; half a dozen waysTo de 
 straction, but only o^^ way to hea/en-and 
 that way is as much - ower than Theatre 
 
 xniia Avenue. I fear some of you bie 
 thren, stand as slim a chance of findW i 
 as a poodle-dog would a fox-track ^ 
 It IS sauI that there is 'a good timo 
 
 roaT^i .^"* ^''^.'. ^?* ^o-" to fest on tTe 
 road. I am afraid it w U get comnlefplv 
 fagged out before it reaches^ns. Se ha^ 
 always been < a good time comin"' since 
 
 Horace Greeley only k^oT ^"""^''^ ""'' 
 Brethren : you must not always refuse 
 
)NS. 
 
 ff; for then 
 on, and you 
 ke, unscan- 
 d even im- 
 iolating the 
 lecency. 
 : wives, be 
 
 boys, love 
 >f the boys : 
 I'l'ied : old 
 tvs, let me 
 
 a cat, and 
 ^ays to put 
 ke a shift ; 
 ^o ways to 
 ''ays to de- 
 aven— and 
 in Theatre 
 T than the 
 fyou, bre- 
 
 finding it 
 k. 
 
 rood time 
 est on the 
 ompletely 
 There has 
 ing* since 
 nd it will 
 ^ets here. 
 iness and 
 
 73 refuse 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 187 
 
 to believe things that you can't under- 
 stand; lor there are many facts shrouded 
 m mystery. You know there is magnetism 
 between matter and matter, but you don't 
 know the principle of it! so there maybe 
 magnetism between mind and mind—be- 
 tween heaven and earth— between God and 
 man. You can't tell why a he and a she 
 mutually attract each other, like a couple 
 of magnets— why the birds mate— why the 
 flowers are c-eated male and female— and 
 why a mother thinks more of her own uc^lv 
 brat than of the most beautiful bantlms 
 ever bom by another. These are mysteri- 
 ous facts; but what is a greater mystery 
 still is, that Etjrnity doesn't overflow with 
 the everlasting influx of human souls " 
 
 that it leaks some- 
 
 am inclined to think 
 where. 
 
 My hearers: manpgeto get on smoothly 
 through time, and you will do well enough 
 in eternity. So mote it be ! 
 
 Notice.— I am requested to state that, 
 besides the grand sacred concert at Castle 
 Orarden, this evening, there will be one also 
 at Jr'mteux s, m Broadway. Best of liquors 
 at sixpence a glass-but little smoking 
 allowed. ° 
 
 Due notice will be given of the next dog 
 nght in the Bowery. ° 
 
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 DOW'S PATENT SEllMONS. 
 
 THE EFFECTS OF MOSPEIIITT. 
 
 TjiXT.-The fishermen thnt walk un«n tl.„ i , 
 
 My Hearers : as vou n-pf nr^ ,•« ^i 
 lipw everything befowapt"?« ?*'','? '^'":'<'. 
 "i si.e and st^mcanSZl\ttT'' 
 before much taller in tnlnnf „ ^ I ^^'^*® 
 and hishor in station ttnyom"flv«'''""? 
 donly dwuidle to pigmies, to whom "t"'" 
 Thumb were a monslroua ffiant a?,^ "" 
 whom yon look down aa so^manV eont^r" 
 tiDle mice-, capciine iiboiit3f x "P" 
 epecifio aim oi^ end^ Mi"htv P ?"' '"'^ 
 you are, bestriding a nSX^r^'f-f 
 we petty men watf under and ZT ' '''"'« 
 large legs! But yZ L™7«' '^™y°«'- 
 than iK-ilfimaginarv-vn^V! ,* J '^ """•« 
 an ideal one." sZlnsl loT*f '"'''""" 
 you, you take it Wranted hn^ """ ' *P 
 large to us: nav f',',p<'" ""at you look 
 
 whiUes amon r^m;„^f ^°" ^'="•»"y ''■•° 
 pund-spr^s^rj^-^f^- -o„g 
 
 tion MDsi command respect if «!? """ 
 My iriends; it is remarkable what a 
 
 ^'il I 
 
NS. 
 
 PEKITY. 
 
 '1 the beach 
 tall arcliing 
 
 lock a buoy 
 
 the worlfl, 
 > diminish 
 that were 
 d stature, 
 elves, sud- 
 liom Tom 
 ^wd upon 
 
 contemp- 
 ''liout any 
 ^olossuses 
 rid, while 
 ^'een your 
 ' 18 more 
 3 position 
 
 small to 
 you look 
 ujilly are 
 8 among 
 ted situa- 
 lot rever- 
 se, whose 
 ' lieaps of 
 la as so 
 
 what a 
 
 JJOW'S PATENT SERMONS. ISO 
 
 boast the sudden possession of a few dollars 
 can give to a cliap. He immediately fan- 
 cies himself raised to about six thousand 
 feet above mankind in general ; and not 
 only do fialicrmen, that walk upon the 
 beach, appear like mice to him, but also 
 statesmen, lawyers and politicians, that 
 are scrambling up the hill-side of notor- 
 iety. There he sits, wrapped in a warm 
 robe of pride, lined with the silk velvet of 
 vanity, and casting frosty frowns upon 
 hard-fisted Honesty. Yet, notwithstand- 
 mg, he feels that, at every step he takes 
 his high hand knocks out a star in heaven, 
 he finally comes to the conclusion that ho 
 has been treading but air, after all ; and 
 that he must find his level at last with the 
 paltriest specimens of humanity. Dollars 
 can't save him from Death. But he may 
 suddenly lose his dollars when in the very 
 zenith of his golden glory. Then down he 
 drops, like the stick of a rocket, in dark- 
 ness and unnoticed. Oh ! he.pitcDusly ex- 
 claims then, as did one of old. Why was I 
 raised the master of the world, hung in the 
 skies, and blazing as I travelled, till all my 
 fires were spent; and then cast downward, 
 to be trod out by jackasses ? Yes, my friends, 
 why was he so raised by the almighty dol- 
 lar half-way to heaven, to pitch headlong 
 to earth, and lie there all splattered, like a 
 pan of spilt pumpkin-sauce ?— that is the 
 question. Why, it was in order that ho 
 
 
 
 
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 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
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 niiffht, in Ilia pride, ejaculate : The world 
 knows only two— that's Rome and I—and 
 to convince liim that it was possible for 
 * Rome and I' to fall together. 
 
 My hearers : because a little unexpected 
 prosperity has enabled you to perform a 
 grasshopper jump, do you imagine that you 
 have soared half a mile above others who 
 have attained a higher eminence, without 
 W such galvanic upstartings ? No doubt 
 ot It, but you are sadly deceived. So a hen 
 that could reach the top of a church-spire 
 trom a ground-squat, might fancy herself 
 a conspicuous somebody in the eye of the 
 world; but the noble eagle, whose heaven- 
 ly soarings are not the result of any adven- 
 titious circumstance, majestically sails 
 alott, without condescending to consider 
 whether said hen were really an exalted 
 somebody or merely a miserable, self-in- 
 flated nobody. Oh ! it breeds vermin in 
 my heart, and my bosom seems to swarm 
 with pismires, to think what ninnies you 
 sometimes make of yourselves ! You set 
 a little money, and then go striding and 
 stamping about with your high-heeled 
 boots as though kings and emperors were 
 but clod-worms beneath your feet ! You 
 mount the political rostrum, blow off a 
 quantity of pretended patriotic gas, and 
 you are almost as big a, man as Mr Pre- 
 sident of the Union ! You scribble a few 
 newspaper paragraphs, and you ai-e Sir 
 
 >l 
 
The world 
 md I— and 
 )ossible for 
 
 unexpected 
 perform a 
 no that you 
 others, who 
 e, without 
 
 No doubt 
 iSo a hen, 
 lurch- spire 
 icy herself 
 3ye of the 
 'se heaveu- 
 iny adven- 
 Jally sails 
 consider 
 m exalted 
 (e, self-in- 
 vermin in 
 to swarm 
 nnies you 
 ! You get 
 iding and 
 igh-heeled 
 'rors were 
 aet! You 
 low off u 
 
 gas, and 
 Mr. Pre- 
 ble a few 
 u are Sir 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 101 
 
 Oracle of the world !— or you may write a 
 play ' most tolerable, and not to be endur- 
 ed' for more than two nights, and you look 
 back upon Shakapere as an individual of 
 some little talent, and a small speck of 
 l^enms ? O, you bladders of pride and van- 
 ity !— why don't you wear your honors— 
 when you get them— with as much grace 
 and humility as I do ? I have, as you all 
 know, the reputation of being the most 
 extraordinary preacher in the world ; but 
 the world can't make me believe it. I eat 
 my crust and drink my beer with the same 
 careless unconcern as when I dug potatoes 
 between Barre and Belcher-town. Were 
 I to be raised to the highest pinnacle of 
 popularity, I should see no pigmies below 
 me— nothing but men and women; and 
 the majority of them more deserving of 
 honor and the public's sunny favors than 
 my humble self. In short, as I ascend to- 
 wards the heaven of notoriety, I can't help 
 thinking— as thought Wolsey of yore— and 
 so you all should think as you go up— that 
 * I shall fall, like a bright exhalation in the 
 evening, and no man see me more.' So 
 mote it be ! 
 
 
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 ■ill 
 
 
 192 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 THE MILD DAY OF AUTUMN. 
 
 Text.— And now when comes tliecalm mild day 
 
 As still such cliiys will ooiiio, 
 To call the sciuinel and the bqe 
 
 From out their wintry lionie, — 
 When the sound of (lroi){)in.i,' nutsis heard, 
 
 Thou.ijfh all the trees are still, 
 And twinkle in the smoky light 
 
 The waters of the rill — 
 The south wind searclics for the llowers 
 
 Whose fiagrance late he bore, 
 And siiihs to tind them in the wood, 
 
 And by the stream no more, 
 
 \ 
 
 My Hearers 
 
 low, golden, 
 
 brassy light of Autumn is shedding upon 
 
 once more the mild, mol- 
 crimsony, bluey, purpley, 
 
 us. 
 
 ft 
 
 seems as 
 
 though 
 
 all the brijxht 
 
 glories of summer had been simmered to a 
 syrup, and set before us upon one broad, 
 expansive platter. The roses, daffodils, 
 pinks, cowslips, violets, blue-bells, and but- 
 tercups have departed as the butterfly 
 beauties of a dream ; but the essence of all 
 their loveliness is seen glowing upon the 
 sunset cloud, and in the dolphin-like dy- 
 ing folinge of the forest. So, after death, 
 will your virtues shine in heaven, and your 
 good deeds hold a place in the memory of 
 future generations, provided they are not 
 too much amalgamated with the vicious 
 accumulations of a filthy and avaricious 
 world. 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 193 
 
 My friends: these calm October and 
 November days arc beautiful-solemnly 
 beautiful. They are as mild as the ter- 
 mmus of a christian's earthly career, and 
 eloquent with silent language as the eves 
 of young Love in a deaf and dumb asylum 
 There is a siicred stillness in the blue-domed 
 temple of Nature that reaches the heai-t 
 and serves as an oil of pejicc to its turbu- 
 lent waters. The summer birds have ceased 
 their meriy songs-the zephyrs steal gently 
 through the fading groves, and softly whis- 
 per of that decay to which all things fair 
 are ^oomed-the angel of tranquillity 
 watches at the death-bed of the frail child- 
 ren of Flora— a withered leaf li^^htly flick- 
 ers down as a pall upon the bier of each 
 fallen blossom, and a lone cricket chirps a 
 dirge for the lovely, the loved and the lost. 
 Though pensively, yet all is delightfully 
 peaceful and quiet, in this sweet sabbath of 
 the year The waters of each distant river 
 and nil twinkle, w,: i - a silvery sheen, in the 
 smoky light that gauzes the vale, and yon- 
 der hills wear a placid smile as if mightilv 
 pleased with their new-donned ,bonnets of 
 blue. There is very little music heard 
 now m the forests, fields, meads and orch- 
 ards. The blue-bird, bobolink, thrush, 
 robin and martin have ceased to tune their 
 
 frf^f '^.f' '^1^. now pause to consider 
 upon the thought-breeding change that haa 
 80 stealthily slid upon them. They don't 
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194 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 know what to make of it ; so they are mnm 
 —but meanwhile they are makini:: up their 
 minds to mosey. The sqiiTel cocks up his 
 bushy tail and scolds as he scampers over 
 the green lichens that yet weave a carpet 
 for his tiny feet— the grasshopper kicks 
 over a dried leaf, in his last convulsive jump, 
 and imagines that he has upset an empire 
 —the poor bel.ited butterfly flits about, 
 like a restless spirit, in searcli of those sum- 
 mer enjoyments that" yesterday were, but 
 to-day are no more— a disconsolate-look- 
 ing caterpillar lets himself down to the sod, 
 ■with a gossamer cord, and, with a twist 
 and a wriggle, bids good-bye for ever to 
 the pleasures of the pear-tree— the last 
 harsh murmurs of the Katydid grate hor- 
 ribly upon ' the dull ear of night'— the noc- 
 turnal concerts of Mons. Froggie are over 
 for the season — an old bachelor of a wood- 
 pecker runs up a bill for his grub, and says 
 nothing to nobody — emblematical bats 
 dart about in the dusky twilight— solemn 
 owls give their monotonous hooh-hoes at 
 the midnight hour, as if in ridiculing mock- 
 ery of the fleeting meteors that preach 
 volumes of the evanescence and transitory 
 nature of all that is bright and beautiful. 
 And the South-wind comes, as my text in- 
 timates, upon a fruitless search for the 
 flowers, whose fair cheeks he was wont to 
 kiss: he wanders over every field, roams 
 through every garden, looks by the mai-gin 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. I95 
 
 of each Stream, and sighs to find them con- 
 si^mod to one common tomb. The onhr 
 flowers he can discover are those tK 
 ilourish among the hair and on the hats of 
 our fashionaWe belles ; but the living fresh 
 ness and delightful fragrance are wantTm 
 —and, consequent y, he avoa j;^°""^ 
 about them thin a hlniy-boc for the aHi 
 
 upon what you are, and t^ whTt you '^uj 
 shortly come You must feel that the S 
 cold wmter of life will soon be here~th.; 
 hoar frosts are about to fall upon the fuS 
 blown flowers of the beart-and tW +1; 
 tree of manhood will quickly ^a' it^gr en 
 
 shalltdil, I trust It will assume a eold?n 
 hue, that shall grow bri^rhter if Incf ^ ^t 
 wa^^m, mellow h|ht of Svenly h^^ranl 
 fa:tb. So mote it be! ^ ^ ^ 
 
 PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIOJSTS. 
 
 Text.— Why doth the violet spring 
 Unseen by liiunan eye 'i 
 
 Why do the radiant seasons brina 
 Swe^et thoughts that quickly iiy ? 
 
 Why do our fond hearts ciiu- ' 
 To things that die ? ° 
 
 My Hearees , as to the first question, Why 
 
 at 
 
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 196 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 doth the violet spring unseen by human 
 eye t*, I can only answer, in vulgar phra- 
 seology, * It's a way it's got'— or, more pro- 
 perly speakmg, it is owing to the mysteri- 
 ous ways of Nature, which neither you nor 
 I can any easier unriddle than an arithme- 
 tician can untangle a spider's web accord- 
 mg to the rules of algebra. There is many 
 a flower as my friend Grey says, that is 
 porn to blush unseen, and waste its sweet- 
 riess on the desert air, like sweet Ellen 
 Thompson who lives in the vale. If you 
 travel all over this curiously-contrived 
 globe of ours, you will find that, upon the 
 most barren heath, in the gloomiest of 
 Bohtudes, and m the untracked wilderness 
 every here and there a little flower is lift- 
 ing its lonely head, and pouring out, as it 
 were Its perfumed soul in praises to the 
 (;rod that made it. And so it is with those 
 lovely flowers that adorn the great circle 
 ofhumanity— the damsels. You will find 
 some of the most beautiful of this special 
 floral family budding, blooming, fadini?. 
 and going to seed, by the country road-side 
 untouched, unplucked, and unsmelt of- 
 whereas, were they planted and reared in 
 the hotbeds and greenhouses of a city like 
 Gotham, they would not only be admired 
 by thousands, but soon gathered by the 
 hand of Hymen, and their stems inserted 
 m the vase of matrimony. It matters not 
 whether a young damsel have wealth or 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. I97 
 
 Deauty, and flourishes among men, hun 
 dreds will do her homage, and bendThe W 
 in worship of her charms. Man, my b^e 
 
 tus. His optics are the lenses, and his 
 heart IS the plate upon which th; portrait 
 IS represented; and when, in the S of 
 love, the picture of , -etty girl is Sved 
 thereon, he can no more obliterate the In- 
 chanting image than a shadow can b^ 
 TdTcViTob^.^^^ ^^*^ soap-sudsrin'l 
 My dear friends : ' The dark unfathomed 
 cavesof ocean' contain many a briuSnt 
 
 It IS with the gems of genius. Many and 
 many of them L'e buried in the vale of ob 
 Bounty which no one digs for, and not 
 
 havingthe power to assist themsdves/tW 
 remain value ess in the bowels of the iartlf 
 
 Most of you have a genius for something ; 
 
 but, m consequence of obstreperous for- 
 
 tune, you are kept under, and stand no 
 
 more chance of exhibiting your brilHancv 
 
 idiny day. By proper encouraiJ'empTit 
 even a boot black iJbonnd to shTnf S St' 
 
 r^^^h^inf^?^ ^ become, with a little 
 ?ank1.f ^^T/""^' ^P^^^*^^ of portraits, and 
 rank himself among the first artists of the 
 
 ^ed W^ f ?-^^* *^^ monkey when he dip! 
 ped his tail in a paint-pot. ^ 
 
 
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198 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMOJ^S. 
 
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 *» jl!!;"!;)!!!! 
 
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 My dear friends : the second division of 
 my discourse inquires, *Why do the radi- 
 ant seasons bring sweet thoughts that 
 quickly fly P' We are at a loss to conjec- 
 ture exactly how all this is ; and yet we 
 DO know that we welcome every approach- 
 ing season with joy and gladness. In 
 spring, we are delighted with the return- 
 ing tokens of life and animation. The 
 eb-ly notes of the sweet warblers of the 
 groves inspire our souls, and seem to 
 awaken us to a new and youthful existence. 
 The summer comes to us covered with 
 bloom and beauty — autumn infuses a calm- 
 ness into our bosoms, that quickly gathers 
 upon the surface, like cream upon a placid 
 pan of milk — and winter, with all its icy 
 coldness, is as warmly received as a whis- 
 key toddy with the thermometer down to 
 zero. 
 
 My hearers : the text which I have chos- 
 en ends with this interrogation, * Why do 
 our fond hearts cling to things that die ?' 
 Is it because there is nothing beautiful and 
 lovely upon earth but is subject to decay; 
 and the affection of the heart, like tendrils, 
 must lean to some particular object, inas- 
 much as they were never intended to flour- 
 ish alone The ivy often is found to cling 
 to old and sapless trunks — pea-vines seem 
 to hug with a peculiar fondness whatever 
 objects are within their reach — lovers are 
 just as liable to lean upon broken staves as 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. ]99 
 
 they are to rest against the pillars of pa- 
 tience, faith and fortitude— and you all my 
 friends, are more naturally inclined to place 
 your affections upon the perishing thino-s 
 of earth, than to even form a likinc^ for 
 that which has power to secure the soul's 
 eternal salvation. Heaven being a forei^-n 
 country, some of its products are wSu 
 worth paying the duty upon them ; and if 
 you thmk you can get along without them, 
 you will find m the end that you have 
 gained nothing more nor less than a re- 
 markably heavy loss. As far, however, as 
 1 am personally concerned, my dearly-be- 
 loved brethren, you may all go to the devil : 
 but, lor your own sakes, act honestly, wise- 
 Ij, righteously and considerately, that you 
 may be well prepared for that awful and 
 uncertain hereafter that awaits us aU. So 
 mote it be ! 
 
 MAN NOT MADE TO MOURN. 
 
 Text,— There is a voice which haunts me still. 
 
 Where'er on earth I be— 
 In lonely vale, on lofty hill,- 
 
 And on the distant sea : 
 I hear it in the silent night, 
 
 And at the break of morn ; 
 Aiid aye it crieth— dark or light— 
 
 Man was not made to mom-u ! 
 
 My Hearers: what do you suppose this 
 stiU, small voice, is, that haunts me where- 
 
 
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 DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 ■M 
 
 ever I go— excepting it be through some 
 ot the mndholes of misery of Gotham ? 
 Why it IS Nature whispering with a calm 
 smile upon her phiz, that man was not 
 made to mourn, notwithstanding the Bard 
 of Ploughshare's sentiments on the all- 
 important subject. No, brethren, man 
 was made to laugh, love, enjoy himself, and 
 dig potatoes, to the glory of the Creator 
 IfCt how many lazy, mildewed mortals 
 there are, who sit down in the shade of 
 melancholy to mourn over misfortunes of 
 their own breeding! There they sit; and 
 sit, and sit; looking at all that is blight 
 and lovely with a yellow, jaundiced vision 
 — nursmg despair, and determined on be- 
 ing for ever miserable ; and as for enticin*^ 
 them into habits of industry, with a pro"^ 
 mise of a happy compensation, you might 
 as soon think of getting a barrel of old 
 cider to work by placing a dollar at the 
 bung-hole. Mourn they must— mourn 
 they will; and this, too, in a country like 
 ours !— where there is so much elbow-room 
 tor ambition— where all a man has to do is 
 to take courage and a shovel, and dio« his 
 way to honor and wealth— and wher?, by 
 the aid of faith and a few Irishmen, such 
 almighty big mountains can be moved! 
 Uh I it IS a sm and a shame that man should 
 mourn, where there is nothing under the 
 curtain of heaven to prevent his laughing, 
 singing, dancing and being as merry as a 
 cricket in the chimney-corner I 
 
ONS. 
 
 rough some 
 )f Gotham ? 
 ^ith a cahn 
 an was not 
 Lg the Bard 
 on the all- 
 hren, man 
 limself, and 
 be Creator, 
 ed mortals 
 te shade of 
 sfortunes of 
 ey sit; and 
 b is blight 
 iced vision 
 led on be- 
 X)r enticing 
 ith a pro- 
 J^ou might 
 Tel of old 
 lar at the 
 st — mourn 
 untry like 
 Ibow-room 
 las to do is 
 d dig his 
 where, by 
 I men, such 
 >e moved! 
 nan should 
 under the 
 laughing, 
 lerry as a 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 201 
 
 My dear friends : all nature proclaims 
 that nothing was made to mourn. The 
 bnght-faccd sun— the calm, silvery moon 
 and the ghttering stars— all sing together 
 ot this grand truth in one unceasing sonc^ 
 and echoing earth answers to their sweSt 
 strains. If the world were intended for a 
 house of mourning, every flower would bo 
 painted black— every bird would be a crow 
 or a black- bird— everybody would be born 
 a negro— the ocean would be a vast ink-pot 
 —a black veil be drawn over the face of the 
 heaven-and an everlasting string of crape 
 w?^ around the borders of creation, 
 wnen I look abroad and see how bright 
 and cheerful is the general aspect of things 
 —how Earth exults in her joyous spring- 
 time— how glorious in the pride of her 
 summerhood— and how calmly, smilino-ly 
 beautiful in her autumnal decay— I am 
 bound to the conclusion that nothing upon 
 Uod s green-cushioned footstool was ever 
 intended to mourn. It is natural for us 
 sometimes to indulge in dull, mush-and- 
 milky meditation, and to encourage cold 
 and blood-curdling fancies, or listen fear- 
 tully to the tread of some harbinger of evil 
 whose footsteps ftill with a rusthng sound 
 among oursered flowers of hope, like those 
 ot the angel of Death among the frost- 
 taded leaves of November ; but I do assert, 
 trom the nether extremity of my heart, 
 that man was no more made to go prowlin« 
 
 * 
 i 
 
 i 
 
 ft 
 
202 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 I 00' 
 
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 and mourning through the world, than a 
 canary bird was created to sing at a Me- 
 thodist meeting. 
 
 My dear friends : it is * man's inhumani- 
 ty to man/ and man's inhumanity to him- 
 self, that cause so much mourning. The 
 dreadful carnage of war causes thousands 
 to mourn the loss of sires, sons, relatives 
 and friends, who immolate themselves up- 
 on their country's altar, but whose valiant 
 lives are worth more than all the wealth in 
 the mines of Mexico. Millions groan un- 
 der the iron hand of oppression ; and as 
 many more i:^nder the incubus of laziness, 
 who moan and sigh to think that dollars 
 don't roll at their feet, and that the sun of 
 prosperity won't shine in their dark den of 
 sluggishness. Let war be avoided as far as 
 possible — palsied be the oppressor's arm — 
 and flea-besieged be he, I say, who is too 
 lazy to move when he finds a nest of young 
 mice in his hair, and spiders weaving their 
 webs over his shirt-bosom, t tell you again, 
 my brethren, you were never made to stand 
 still and moan, like a mountain pine in the 
 hollow midnight wind. You were intended 
 to push ahead and keep stirring, like a 
 busy barkeeper : to be jolly, gay, lively— 
 always in as good spirits as a fly in a bottlo 
 of old Jamaica : to laugh at care, snap your 
 fingers at sorrow : and to whistle when be- 
 set by the myriads of petty ills that so con- 
 stantly are seeking to annoy mankind. So 
 mote it be ! 
 
Drld, than a 
 ? at a Me- 
 
 s inliumani- 
 nity to liira- 
 rning. The 
 3 thousands 
 as, relatives 
 jmselves up. 
 liose valiant 
 iie wealth iu 
 J groan un- 
 on; and as 
 of laziness, 
 !;hat dollars 
 t the sun of 
 dark den of 
 ied as far as 
 isor's arm — 
 who is too 
 est of young 
 eaving their 
 lyou again, 
 ade to stand 
 I pine in the 
 ire intended 
 ■ing, like a 
 ly, lively— 
 y in a bottlo 
 3, snap your 
 le when be- 
 that so con- 
 lankind. So 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 203 
 
 A ROUGH WORLD : A SAD LIFE. 
 
 Text.- 
 
 -The world is rougli and drearvr. 
 And hie is sad and weary. 
 
 MyHearers: thereisnouse in talking, 
 about getting along smoothly all the way 
 through this world; for such a thL JTs 
 impossible for man, monkey, or mouse 
 The places that seem the smoothest are 
 the slipperiest : and when you think you 
 are sliding along so very pretty and safo 
 you may be brought to a horizontal in to 
 twinkling of a bed-post. Whoso standeth 
 
 rideth, let him look out (in these revolu- 
 tionary times) est he be thrown. That 
 the natural world is rough, we all know 
 It hath its mountains, hills, swamps and 
 marshes and man can't smooth them, let 
 him do his best, or his nastiest ; and a^ for 
 the social world, it is as rough as the back 
 of a hedgehog, unless you can make it 
 smooth by hypocritical polishing, gilding 
 or silver-washing. But all this won't weS 
 --the base metal will show itself almost 
 too premature y for self-satisfaction. The 
 wpr d we live in is a rough one, anyhow^ 
 ab^oi^^ ^?;:«^"t^«^« we are jolted and jostled 
 ro.?d i nf • P^l^^^Sers over a corduroy 
 
 IrT.r ^^''''- ^^^''^ *"^^ 'Po^ its axis 
 knocks men, matters and things out of 
 their proper places : and I have known 
 
 m 
 

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 i*: ill, 
 
 IIJ 
 
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 ii? 
 
 .1:1 
 
 204 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 to 
 
 bo tumbled frc 
 some sudden jcrl 
 
 even kings 
 thrones, as i 
 tnrc. 
 
 My friends: this world is not only a 
 rough, but a dreary one. It is a vast wil- 
 dcrnesa. in which we mortals are doomed 
 to wander in doubt, trouble, care and un- 
 certainty. It is true that busy Fancy 
 brings us many a banquet of beautiful 
 flowers, and that Imagination sometimes 
 converts a goose-pasture into a perfect 
 paradise; but, alas! how untimely seems 
 to fall the frosts of stern Reality ! In a 
 moment, every ideal blossom is withered— 
 the most promisiuj^ buds of hope arc blight- 
 ed, and the world is a wild and dreary waste 
 agiiin. Thank God, however, that, although 
 we are surrounded by gloomy woods and 
 forbidden forests, we can always look up 
 and catch glimpses of heaven. Yes, bre- 
 thren, there is a light kept burning above, 
 to cheer our pathway to the tomb— to as- 
 sist us over the rough and slippery places 
 of earth, and to enable us to sec our way 
 clear to the ferry between Time and Eter- 
 nity. When a mortal first sets out upon 
 the journey of existence, he says to himself 
 that the world must afford him a glorious 
 treat ; but, when tired, care-worn and weary, 
 he lays himself down for a comfortable nap 
 m the grave, he gapes, stretches, sighs and 
 feebly exclaims : ' It is a glorious humbug, 
 after aU 1' Verily, friends, this orb of om-3 
 
NS. 
 
 Prom tlidr 
 ?rk of JVa- 
 
 lot only a 
 avast wil- 
 re doomed 
 *c and un- 
 Lisy Fancy 
 f beautiful 
 sometimes 
 
 a perfect 
 lely seems 
 alitv ! In a 
 wituered — 
 are bliglit- 
 rea ry wasto 
 t, altliongh 
 woods and 
 s look up 
 
 Yes, bre- 
 ling above, 
 nb — to as- 
 ery places 
 i our way 
 and Eter- 
 
 out upon 
 i to himself 
 a glorious 
 and weary, 
 )rtable nap 
 i, sighs and 
 s humbug, 
 M'b of oms 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 205 
 
 is a dark rou-h and dreary one ; and, if 
 you won't harbor the hope of a better vou 
 may go to Beelzebub L a..iyair-lndl 
 will give you a posterior shove to facilitate 
 your progress. v^uitatt 
 
 My dear friends : that life is sad and 
 weary, may be accounted for by reasons 
 too numerous to enumerate. If you don't 
 have any work to do, you get dull, lazy 
 peevish, cross and uiiserable : if you S 
 merely enough to occupy your time vou 
 thmkita terrible druV-that you ^aro 
 
 caTlT^^ '::,'l T'' 'Y"" ^"^ othei^jucka s 
 can bear; and, if you happen to find your- 
 
 fZV^ '^Y J"'?"™«tance8, you imagine 
 It HARD worlv to look after them. ' Man's 
 inhumanity to man makes countless thou- 
 sands mourn truly remarked my friend 
 the Bard of Ploughshare; and yet man'« 
 mhumanity to hiSself is' the cause of a 
 vast deal more mischief. As brother Bea:^ 
 
 help It, but bellow for assistance; and let 
 fortune favor him with millions, still he is 
 as mercenary and miserable as ever He 
 may live poor, but die rich; and this re- 
 
 sZ f l!^f > -^ passage in scripture, which 
 eays, that It IS easier for an elenhiuf fn 
 
 SU"'" "" -oodchuck-s ho"e tir a rich 
 man to smuggle any of Ilia earthly effects 
 
 oH.^"'"-- ^'^'- "'»"«''• to '^'l ^« more 
 wings, like u eea-gnll over discontented 
 
 1 
 
 ! 
 
 1 
 
 
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I 
 
 I 
 
 I 
 
 ■J. 
 
 
 
 I, 
 
 ■■'in; 
 
 206 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 waters — days crawl away witli a snail-like 
 pace notwithstanding^ years roll round in ra- 
 pid succession. Yet tiiere are otlier matters 
 that make life weary. The thread of love 
 contains many an ugly knot — and, as for 
 professed friendship, the less said about it 
 the better. You must all try to make the 
 world as smooth as possible, and render 
 life as easy as circumstances will permit. 
 So mote it be ! 
 
 SICH IS LIFE.* 
 
 1; 
 
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 Text— Up hill, down hill, 
 Trouble and strife : 
 Slide along, dig along, 
 • SiCH is Hie,' 
 
 My Hearers : savages go through life 
 easily enough, without any hard grunting, 
 sweating, or swearing. They are just about 
 EO, at all times — contented, sure to have a 
 living, and, consequently, happy ; but we, 
 civilized sons of sin, care and sorrow, have 
 to fight against our fellow kind for a fo'- 
 pence to get us food. We have to twist 
 and turn — make our way among the crowd 
 — stick our elbows into the ribs of others — 
 and, perhaps, knock down a dozen or two 
 to get decently through the world. SiCH 
 IS LIFE ! Brutes have a living prepared 
 for them — the table of Nature is bountiful- 
 ly spread before them, and all they have 
 
 
 ! i 
 
ONS. 
 
 a snail-like 
 [round in ra- 
 ther matters 
 read of love 
 -and, as for 
 3aid about it 
 io make the 
 
 and render 
 will permit. 
 
 )> 
 
 through life 
 I'd grunting, 
 re just about 
 ire to have a 
 ipy ; but we, 
 orrow, have 
 i for a fo'- 
 lave to twist 
 g the crowd 
 ) of others — ■ 
 •zen or two 
 ^orld. SiCH 
 ng prepared 
 is bountiful- 
 1 they have 
 
 row's PATENT SERMONS. 207 
 
 to do is to cat, drink, sleep, and be satisfi- 
 ed ; but man, having brains to contrive 
 and hands to execute, has to make alivinc^' 
 and not be satisfied at that. He is nev?r 
 satisfied, nor woman either. Give me so 
 much, says he, and I will ask no more- 
 but, when he gets it, his avaricious appetite 
 IS as insatiate as ever. You can no more 
 supply to satisfaction the mammoth 
 capaciousness of human desire than you 
 can fill the bottomless pit by the droppinc^ 
 in of pebble-stones. The future doesn't a£ 
 ways deceive us ; but the deuce of it is we 
 are too apt to find fault with the fulfilment 
 of what our most ardent hopes had promis- 
 ed. Tamt good enough, after all ! say we, 
 with a snuff and a snivel ; give us some- 
 thing better. And so, at last, we go whin- 
 ing to our graves, exclaiming Vanity! van- 
 ity !— all is deception ! double-distilled de- 
 ception ! Man's existence is a beautiful 
 humbug! 'Sichislife!' 
 
 My friends: it is up hill and downhill 
 with us m this RE -probationary sphere 
 Every one of us seems to be kicked about 
 as it we were each a foot-ball for the fates 
 Through a hypocritical courtesy, we don't 
 exactly put the blame upon Providence, 
 but lay it to our own ill-luck, and be d— d 
 to it 'Sich is life!' And yet when, 
 upon the ebb tide of prosperity, man finds 
 iiis trail bark cast back into dangerously- 
 troublesome waters, he foolishly imagines 
 
2m 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 : MM' 
 
 MOW ' 
 
 0¥ 
 
 
 Iff 
 
 '\ 1 1 
 
 •m 
 
 k»"Hl 
 
 Ml! 
 ■ml): 
 
 that all the winds of heaven have conspired 
 against him ; and, rather than resort to 
 the paddle of perseverance, he gives 1171 
 for lost, and says. There's no use in tryin;^', 
 for *sich is life!' On the other hand, au 
 unfortunate philosopher, in tattered rest 
 and forlorn financial condition, doei^Ii t al- 
 together give way to despair, and patient- 
 ly contents himself with the idea that 
 'jsich is life:' and that, in the process of 
 mundane mutations, there is 'a good 
 time coming,' which, some day or other, 
 it will be his good fortune to experience. 
 
 My worthy friends : how many there are 
 who, having to dig through the world, 
 and finding it hard digging at the best, 
 will not philosophically consider that, 
 * sich is life ;' but they must rail at every- 
 body and everything. They distractedly 
 imagine that all of mankind are set against 
 them ; and their only prayer is, that they 
 may have an opportunity of sending word 
 to the devil, and all the royal family of hell, 
 to receive the scoundrels with the respect 
 due to their rascally deserts ; These fel- 
 lows had better go .;' Tf^iCmselvfa — and 
 in sufficient season ' . .1; '■-tluce th ■ rj^t of 
 the company. ^ 
 
 My hearers: there are certain truisms, 
 which need no ghost from the grave to tell 
 us about, and establish. He that hath no 
 money hath few friends, and the fur upon 
 the friendship of these few is hardly worth 
 
INS. 
 
 re conspired 
 n resort to 
 le gives ut> 
 3e in trying, 
 er hand, au 
 ittered vest 
 , doesn't al- 
 ind patient. 
 e idea that 
 e process of 
 is 'a good 
 ly or other, 
 tperience. 
 ly there are 
 
 the world, 
 it the best, 
 isider that, 
 ail at every, 
 distractedly 
 'i set against 
 , that they 
 mding word 
 mily of hell, 
 the respect 
 
 These fel. 
 selvf a — and 
 e th • r jdt of 
 
 lin truisms, 
 'rave to tell 
 iut hath no 
 e fur upon 
 ardly worth 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 209 
 gathering. The moneyless must expect to 
 be pushed about, rode over and trodden 
 t^on-for 'sich is life!' The dandified 
 pupppr with features of brass, brains of 
 trog.jelly, and a heart made of putty and 
 beeswax-submits to the scoffs and jeers of 
 boys; IS barked at by dogs; ' be dem'd' 
 If he knows how It is; but-' sich is life!' 
 He that tells the truth, the whole truth 
 and nothing but the truth, nowadays, is 
 pelted with the brickbats of persecution 
 ly moralists, religionists, politicians, and 
 tlie people at large, for ' sich ia life V 
 
 ECCE 8IGNUM, LIGNUM VIT.E ' 
 
 My hearers : imagine, as did my friend 
 Shakespere, a locomotive shadow; a poor 
 player, that frets his brief hour upon a 
 stage and then is heard no mor^and 
 consider that ' sich is life ;' a tale told by 
 an idiot, [Shakespere] full of sound and 
 fury, signifymg nothing. But learn to 
 hye well; keep the stomach well supplied 
 with roast beef, the heart with true reliSon, 
 and the head from all foolish fancies-and 
 verily you shall be rewarded in a Ufe to 
 come, which, at the worst, can't help but 
 oe better than the miserable sublunary 
 existence allotted to us here below. So 
 iiiote it be I 
 
 A,AA. 
 
 •At XV 
 
210 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 1 i 
 
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 j^liJ* i.^^|;i. 
 
 
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 11" 
 
 ON FEAR. 
 
 Text— Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, 
 
 It seems to nie most strange that men should 
 fear. 
 
 My Hearers : I suppose it is all very 
 well that a fe^" kernels of fear are im- 
 planted in our natures, to warn us of dan- 
 ger, and guide us from harm; but to man- 
 <ure and nourish them till they grow up and 
 become monstrous trees of terror, is the 
 quintescence of foolishness. The dumb 
 creation are supplied with just enough tim- 
 idity necessary for self-preservation. At 
 the least sight or sound of danger, they 
 prick up their ears, alter the position of 
 their tails, and are off. Then they think 
 no more about it : they continue to gather 
 their grub in peace and quietness— as cool 
 and unconcerned about the past or future 
 as a cucumber that flourishes upon its 
 green vine to-day, and is cut up into thin 
 slices to-morrow. But we, more intellec- 
 tual beings— men of mind— men of sense 
 and cents— men of dollars and dollorous 
 men— men of capital and capital men- 
 yes, WE, with all our vaunted courage, are 
 poor, miserable victims of continual fear. 
 We are not so much afraid of any immedi- 
 ate da.n)ag(^— not so easily scared at any 
 suspicious-looking object within the pale 
 of the present. No, what frightens us the 
 
 
HONS. 
 
 ethave lieard, 
 that men should 
 
 it is all very 
 fear are im- 
 am us of dan- 
 ; but to man- 
 T grow up and 
 terror, is the 
 The dumb 
 t enough tim- 
 er vation. At 
 danger, thej 
 3 position of 
 I they think 
 aue to gather 
 less — as cool 
 Dast or future 
 les upon its 
 1 up into thin 
 ore intellec- 
 men of sense 
 nd dollorous 
 ipital men- 
 courage, are 
 TIN UAL fear, 
 any immedi- 
 ared at any 
 thin the pale 
 jhtens us the 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 211 
 
 x^?wr-*^^- A ^".^'-^boos that stare upon us 
 with their wild goffo-le-evps fvnT,. V^"^ 
 
 dark holes of the fSture^Thn«? ^''^ *^'^ 
 
 with devouring ogres. Oh, how monstror 
 ly weak are we male mortals, w"th Si "'r 
 beard and muscle !-how coward y with all 
 
 Shakespere,lT?urally boTto Z. '""''^ 
 poultry generally. dxtTomanil^'' 'i 
 
 t^s^ Ir'",? W:t7LVd*et"ut 
 
 S^rf ' "^ ''"' "'''■<' *™e fortitude 
 
 courafei f ""'"' "P"-"."^ ^"^ ^^^ fide 
 
 em tTo,„hf r^P"'' '°" t''™ Nature 
 Zn ™§ of mixing in the material of 
 
 e"^'mck„„'17 °"^«.^"7 congregation 
 e\ er picfc up a liirzy chicken la^o-ino. nt tiZ 
 
 heels of Its material ancestorT if so he 
 has suddenly found himself favored witht 
 
 STe^'e^Tolristifh"^"''^^^^^^^^^^ 
 if you maliciously meddle with whatever 
 
 through a o-oogp-r^ond ^v t^^fi^' ^"^,.^?^e 
 hpr r>Mfi-^^°4^ \ ^ Aitiiouu even lifting 
 

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 1 i tf" 
 
 Br' 
 
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 212 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 is— my laineAted aunt Thucy was a pure 
 specimen of the wood, with a bit of the 
 bark off— just enough to show the grain. 
 
 My hearers: why do you fear? and 
 what do you fear ? You fear, because you 
 are mortal, and must die some day or 
 other. If you had been so manufactured as 
 to endure to all eternity, or even half of it, 
 evil apprehensions would never have found 
 lodgings in the chamber of your h -arts. 
 Some of you are so fearful that you shan't 
 live out half of your days, that you sit up 
 nearly all night, to make up for what you 
 may be cast short of in the end; while 
 others blow their brains out, lest Death 
 should come and ordar them to march, in 
 double quick time. Just so obstinate'are 
 some asses. Fools! know you not that 
 death will come when it will come, and not 
 before P There should be no such thing in 
 man as fear of leaving this world, when he 
 knows he was put here to have the pleasure 
 of being bothered with it but for a short 
 time. When you move out of it, you will 
 only go to where millions of greater, wiser 
 and better mortals than you have gone, 
 and whither thousands are going daily! 
 Fear not — if you don't have a merry time 
 of it, it won't be for the want of company, 
 and * choice spirits.' But what else, besides 
 the grim and grinning monster, do you 
 fear ? I will tell you. 
 When you have little money, and hard- 
 
 i :| 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 213 
 
 ly enough to eat, you are afraid the time 
 may come when you will have nothing at 
 
 When you are worth two millions of 
 dollars, your soul shakes with fear lest ere 
 
 you kick the bucket, you become reduced 
 to a million and a half. '=uui.eu 
 
 When it rains pottage, you dare not hold 
 
 yourero:^lt*:n?4^^ *^^ *-^^ ^-* 
 
 You are afraid of omens, apparitions 
 ghosts and shadows. ^^ ^ii-ions, 
 
 1 ^Y^^^^'"'' ^^^® ^^^°^^ed high up the 
 kdder of fame you are afraid a?ound may 
 give way, and let you drop to the pSce 
 whence you started. ^ 
 
 pass that bourne from whence no bachelor 
 returns, lest a few thorns be found in the 
 ever-bloommg hymenial paradise. 
 
 T L^\ f ''''* P''^''*^'^ ^^1 y^"" preach (as 
 
 You dare not confess your sins outside 
 t:-^f: '^^ ^^^^P-P^« -y- t^-k you 
 
 hal whf f..?i?l,4T «,f i°^« ,- the 
 
 be able to have lamb and peas for diTnJr 
 to-morrow, as well as you. 
 
 V erUy, man is as weak as a child, and 
 
 ; i] 
 
ct 
 
 ! -h*:- 
 
 
 Vmlii 
 
 it ff 
 
 S'- 
 
 211 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 timid as a kangaroo, of which he is but a 
 longer-legged species. He has to ' work 
 out his salvation with fear and trembling;' 
 and frequently fails to accomplish it at last. 
 He has a hard job of it, indeed; and I hope 
 that after he shall have worried and shaken 
 himself off of this probationary sphere, lie 
 will go to a world where there are no hob- 
 goblins, spooks and scarecrows to frighten 
 him out of his shirt and senses. So mote 
 it be! 
 
 'DRIYE ON!' 
 
 Text. — Drive on your horses I 
 
 age 
 
 18 
 
 wagon 
 
 My Hearers : the cpirit of the 
 DRIVE AHEAD, if you upsct your 
 and spill your milk — keep up with the po- 
 pular crowd, and leave the old slow, care- 
 ful coaches in the lurch. * Get out of the 
 way, old Dan Tucker !' is all the go nowa- 
 diiys, musically, morally and mechanically 
 speaking. A flood is upon us that is fast 
 v/ashing all the works of the old music- 
 masters into the dead sea of oblivion. The 
 old, heavy drama is too slow a coach alto- 
 gether for the present day. A lighter and 
 faster one we must have — a regular trotting 
 concern. Poor Shakspere! his house is 
 sold, and has stepped out. His taper shines 
 with a sickly glare in the misty moonlight 
 of the past — a mere glowworm upon adaik 
 
>NS. 
 
 he is but a 
 IS to ' work 
 I trembling;' 
 lish it at last. 
 ; and I hope 
 i and shaken 
 y sphere, he 
 are no hob- 
 s to frighten 
 s. So mote 
 
 'ses 1 
 
 ' the age is 
 your wagon 
 vith the po- 
 
 slow, care- 
 t out of the 
 he go nowa- 
 nechanically 
 
 that is fast 
 
 old music- 
 )livion. The 
 a coach alto- 
 L lighter and 
 :ular trotting 
 Jiis house is 
 I taper shines 
 y moonlight 
 
 upon a dark 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 215 
 
 and distant moor. Alas ! I am afraid * he 
 was not for a time, but for all day;' and it 
 is now about to be all day with him. But, 
 good-bye. Bill : I must drive on my horses, 
 or take the dust of unpopularity. 
 
 My friends, we are a fast people, and live 
 in a fast age. Perhaps you may say we 
 are only riding down hill on a hand sled : 
 the more we increase in velocity, the soon- 
 er we shall reach the bottom, and then 
 have to get back again the best way we 
 can. Shouldn't wonder! shouldn't won- 
 der ! No, by thunder ! no by thunder ! — 
 the way is comparatively level, and the 
 road is clear. All we have to do is to keep 
 up the steam, and push ahead— propel. 
 When I speak of keeping up the steam, 
 brethren, I do not mean that you shall fire 
 up with that liquid damnation which feeds 
 the flames of hell, for thereby you may 
 burst your boilers ; but I have reference to 
 maintaining that ambitious spirit of rapid 
 progression to which neither the everlast- 
 ing mountains nor the eternal hills can 
 set any bounds. Ours is already a great 
 country, but we want to make it a big 
 country. No pent-up Blackwell's Island 
 shall contract our powers ; but the whole 
 boundless continent must belong to us. 
 Republicanism, with his new big boots, is 
 bound to ti-avel — and no powei° on earth 
 shull say, Thus far shalt thou come, and 
 no farther. Emperors, kings, princes, and 
 
216 
 
 DOWS PATRNT SERMONS. 
 
 .1 
 
 C' 
 
 
 I j *■" 
 
 potentates ! get out of the way, for we are 
 coming with our fast horses! Clear the 
 track for young America! "We intend 
 honestly to vote ourselves farms; but, if 
 voting don't get them, by General Jupiter 
 Jackson, we'll take them, whether or no ! 
 Shall we lumber along the road, and allow 
 other nations to pass us with a whiz ? No 
 — never. Our horses are fast, and we 
 must give the world an awing specimen of 
 their speed. Take care, then, by Basil ! 
 we are running a race with Britain for 
 Cuba ; and, if you don't look out, you may 
 get injured. We must progress— advance 
 — expatiate— till two-thirds of the globe is 
 ours; and then if we are compelled to 
 stop by some unforeseen circumstance, what 
 will be the consequence ? Why, we shall 
 fall to fighting among ourselves and be 
 brought back to the borders of primitive 
 insignificance- I speak the words of truth 
 and soberness ; and I care not which en- 
 dorse my sentiments— the hosts of heaven, 
 or the legions of hell. 
 
 My friends : the world plays a grab game, 
 and every man must look out for his hand- 
 ful. For my part, I take ray time, and 
 cheerfully accept of what Providence as- 
 signs me. But don't be guided by me, a 
 poor pensioner of heaven— a pauper de- 
 pendent upon chance. Drive on your 
 horses ; keep ahead, if possible, and let 
 • the devil take the hindermost.' So mote 
 it be ! 
 
tONS. 
 
 y, for we are 
 a! Clear the 
 
 We intend 
 irms; but, if 
 leral Jupiter 
 ther or no! 
 id, and allow 
 a whiz ? No 
 'ast, and we 
 
 specimen of 
 , by Basil ! 
 
 Britain for 
 )ut, you may 
 jss — advance 
 the globe is 
 ompelled to 
 stance, what 
 y, we shall 
 ives and be 
 of primitive 
 )rd8 of truth 
 } which en- 
 is of heaven, 
 
 L grab game, 
 or his hand- 
 y time, and 
 ovidence as- 
 ed by me, a 
 pauper de- 
 e on your 
 )le, and let 
 .' So mote 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 21? 
 
 MAN A SHADOW— LIFE A DREAM. 
 
 Text.— For man a slmdow only is, 
 And life is but a dream. ' 
 
 My IlEAiiERS : did it ever occur to your 
 stagnant minds that you are notliing more 
 than mere shadows ?— intangible, without 
 substance, and (I might say) without sub- 
 sistence ? Well, you are ' nothing else,' at 
 any rate. One thing is certain : you 
 
 * Come like shadows, so depart ;' 
 and whence you come, or whither you go 
 18 known only to that great Shadow of 
 which you are but a feeble shade. Pretty, 
 looking shadows, though, some of you are 
 I must say !— weigh two hundred and fifty! 
 and annihilate a pound of pork at each re- 
 past ! If such are mere visions—* airy no- 
 things;— I should like to know what you 
 would think of cousin Abraham, who is so 
 tall, shm, feeble that he dare not stoop to 
 pick up a pm without first putting a couple 
 ot brickbats m his coat pockets to preserve 
 an equilibrium. He is thin as blottinn- 
 jpaper, and never trusts himself to stand 
 long out-doors without putting one foot 
 upon the other to prevent the wind from 
 blowing him away. But, my dear fiicnds, 
 m a metaphorical sense, we are nothino- 
 but shadows, after all : visible for a mo^ 
 ment, and then invisible for ever ! * What 
 
218 
 
 row's PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 'Ir 
 
 ><*■ 
 
 4' 
 
 'ijk 
 
 ■ i 
 
 i 
 
 1 ♦-' 
 
 
 , 
 
 shadows are we !' (exclaimed the wise Sha- 
 do w,) 'and what shadows we pursue!'— 
 meaning that the women are also shadows, 
 and that we men are in the habit of run- 
 ning after them : and verily there be much 
 truth in the observation. 
 
 My friends : what is life but a dream ?— 
 an empty dream ; as emj^ty as a contribu- 
 tion box of a Saturday. We imagine we 
 <live, and move, and have a being; but how 
 is this FACT to be determined r There is 
 no way of ascertaining it to a certainty. 
 You go to bed at night— you sleep— you 
 dream. That dream appears to you to be ii 
 reality; but you awake in the morning and 
 find it all a delusion ; and so, on the morn 
 of the Resurrection, you will probably find 
 out that you have been but dreaming all 
 through this sublunary existence. Well, 
 friends, if you ever thought of it, all our 
 greatest delights and principal pleasures 
 lie wrapped in silken dreams. It is the 
 anticipation, and not the possession, that 
 yields us bliss. It is the ideality— not the 
 reality. Some folks say, however, that 
 there is greater pleasure in eating a nice 
 beef steak when you are hungry, than iu 
 anticipating it ; but I am inclined to doubt 
 that FACT. Eating takes away a body's 
 appetite, and makes him feel dull— as dull 
 as a hatchet used for splitting kindliu"' 
 wood upon a hearth stone : but to dream 
 about indulging in gastronomic pleasures 
 
row's PATENT SERMONS. 219 
 
 is qiiite another thing. ' It makes me feel 
 good to think of it,' says John; ' it is better 
 than partaking.' John is right : hope, that 
 18 not hopeless, is sweeter than honey All 
 18 m the imagination. You acquire riches 
 and become possessed of whateverthe heart' 
 head or fancy may order; and yet such 
 won t set a broken limb, nor 'adminster to 
 ?i,°^^^^ ^^ni^®^^5' nor do anything further 
 than afFordmg pleasant, and. at the same 
 time uneasy dreams. There is no reality 
 m riches : a comfortable cot conduces to 
 as much contentment as a stately mansion 
 —and a leetll more too. As for pur- 
 chasing happiness, in this world, with the 
 RHINO— the CHINK— or the actual— you 
 nnght as soon think of winning a woman's 
 affections at a raffle. All our joys, pleasures 
 ana blisses claim residence only in the 
 dreamy mind. If that be ill at rest, no gold 
 silver, nor tickling under the ribs can 
 make a man cheerful and happy. It is the 
 Unreal— not the Real that gives zest to 
 existence. 
 
 My hearers : life is nothing more nor less 
 than an empty dream. We imagine— we 
 speculate— we^ fancy— we hope, and are 
 ever dwelling m the ethereal atmosphere 
 of ideality. * Man never is but always to 
 be blest, says my friend Pope ; and I have 
 a pewter sixpence saved for him who first 
 acknow edges, ^ with his hand upon the 
 J^ook, that he is contented with the real 
 
220 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 •■W!*' 
 
 ■i <>• ;■ 
 
 
 I'J 
 *•■■ 
 
 Now, aL 70U married folks know that your 
 happiest hours were those spent in court- 
 ship—when you were allowed to take only 
 a smell at a glorious fodder, without even 
 nibbling at a spear. So it is with every 
 earthly enjoyment : we prize at a distance • 
 but when once in our pot^sossion, it isn't 
 half so fat as we thought it was. And so it 
 IS with this basewood world. We dream 
 through It that there is a better still to 
 come— one made of pure mahogany, and so 
 manufactured as to endure for ever • which 
 I hope will be the case: for heaven known 
 that the one we live m isn't fit for the abode 
 ot a half-cultivatcd ourang-outang. So mote 
 
 CLACKING WOMEN. 
 
 Text.-O ! steep my feet in boiling oil. 
 Or put me on the rack ; 
 But save me, while I tarry here. 
 From yonder woman's clack ! 
 
 Mt Hearers: perhaps we male mortals 
 ought not, generally speaking, to bra^r 
 MUCH about our faculties for restraining 
 that 'unriily member' called the tongue^ 
 but I do think that women have no good 
 reason to say anything— for, if we are in- 
 competent, in a certain degree, women 
 most certainly are, in a very uncertain de- 
 gi-ee. Their tongues are reeds shaken by 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 221 
 
 the wind-splinters upon a chesnut rail 
 
 11 ^^2 "P -^ '^^^^"^ ^'^^ a jarring so 
 long as there is a breath to move them 
 
 The least breeze of passion that springs t?p 
 m their bosoms, sets their miU-clacls n 
 operation; and. as for stopp ,g them voS 
 might as well fire a pop-gfij, ufainst thun^ 
 der. or blow a hand- bellows aglinst a hur- 
 ricane. They will talk, like a poll-pan-ot 
 merely for the sake of the noise and 
 givmg them credit for no evil iStion ) 
 they persevere m jabbering, without oncQ 
 reliecting that, what is music to them may 
 be murder to others. Oh! woman, wo^ 
 man ! wherefore art thou gifted with such 
 gigantic powers of gab! ^ Thou wouTdst 
 
 whkper ""^ '"^''' ^"^^' *^^^ ^ ^^sTs 
 
 My hearers : I have been speakine of 
 
 women as a whole. As regards theiindsy 
 
 exceptions. I know some whose words 
 have fine fur, instead of dog-hair, upon 
 them-whose tones are as softlnd miS 
 as the mild breathings of the ^oliarhaip 
 —to whom It is sooth ng to listen ai^S 
 whose society is as sunshVe to a storm^ 
 beaten flower But, oh ! make nrv bed 
 under a tinned roof during a nLht nf^n 
 cessant hail; place forty tomcat - nw 
 window, all in ' full feathV (fof f shoSd 
 have said) for a row; bid me deliver anTm 
 pressive discourse in a gristfrnrnTS Z 
 

 
 
 :i 1 14 
 >. *' 
 
 : * - 
 
 If- 
 
 222 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 corns in a boiling solution of potash ; boro 
 my ears with a two-inch anger, or a con- 
 gressional speech upon the tariff; compel 
 nie to endure the intliction of a fashionable 
 opera; grate loaf sugar by my side while 
 I am preparing a sermon on Sunday; put 
 me on the rack, if you clioose — do anything 
 you like, if you will only save me from the 
 everlasting clack of that woman, whose 
 MILDEST tones are enough to harrow up a 
 man's soul, [Shakspere !J freeze his warm 
 blood, and make each particular hair- 
 whiskers, moustaches, and imperial in- 
 eluded— to stand on *eend' like bristles 
 upon the back of a pup-worried boar-pig ! 
 My hearers : I am afraid that if 1 say 
 much more about the gentler sex, my 
 soul, next week, will be as full of regrets as 
 an old cot is of bedbugs in August : never- 
 theless, I am bound to preach tne truth to- 
 day, although the devil may tell me to- 
 morrow that I ought to be ashamed of my- 
 self for so doing. But, when you see my 
 nose projecting from this old pulpit, know 
 ye that I care not for the fear of man, the 
 favor of woman, nor the scoffs of Satan. I 
 let out the truth, link by link, and, if lam 
 thought to libel my brother man or my 
 sister woman, let heaven be my judge— the 
 twelve apostles, now above, constituted 
 jury— and 111 accept of anything for 
 counsel other than a New York lawyer— I 
 can't go THAT. In sooth, there " 
 
 IS no use 
 
)f potash ; boro 
 
 DOVV'S PATENT SERMONS. 223 
 
 in trying? to lesson tlienoiso of a talkative 
 woman s ton^^uo by applying, the oil ot 
 praise ; lor, the more you j,n-ea8e it by flat- 
 tory, the faster and louder it runs. Sav 
 not a word ; put putty in your ears, and it 
 may tire itself out. 
 
 But, my dear friends, we ought not to 
 be too severe upon the sisterhood. Heaven 
 has made them as they are. Their imper- 
 iection IS no fault of theirs, but an uu- 
 wardable misfortune. 
 
 Nature made man the strongest 
 But woman's ton-ue the longest. 
 And now, in conclusion, my dear bre- 
 thren, If you will but count your errors 
 and add to the sum total all your actual 
 faults, you will find that the accomit fs to 
 be given to the credit of the feminine gen- 
 der. Bear and forbear-overlook trifles- 
 ST '^fl^^'^/^o^ the part of the last and 
 the loveliest of God's works-and say as I 
 do: 'Woman, with all thy faults, "l love 
 thee STILL !' So mote it be ! 
 
 NOBILITY OF BLOOD. 
 
 '^^^'^'Ti 4. Txx . Nobility of blood 
 
 Is but a glittering and fallacious good • 
 1 he nobleman i.s ho whose noble mind 
 Is lilled with inbred worth, unborrowed from 
 Ins kind. 
 
 My Hearees : is there any such thinn- 
 
 as 
 
224 
 
 DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 
 i »>> r 
 
 ■i* 
 
 
 
 It I' 
 
 1 1= 
 
 nobility of blood? No. The vital fluid 
 that filled the veins of our first father, 
 Adam, and our first mother, Eve, is analy- 
 tically the same as that which keeps em- 
 perors, kings and lords alive, or what now 
 moistens yonder little carno- carbonic lump 
 of mortality — I mean that negro baby in 
 the gallery. The blood of a man and that 
 '. of a monkey are materially the same ; but 
 in the intellectual organization we find a 
 vast difference. .No one upon this myste- 
 rious earthly soil — which sometimes pro- 
 duces very small potatoes from mammoth 
 seed — can lay claim to primordial nobility ; 
 and to say that this or that is not worthy of 
 a hodman's recognition because of obscure 
 origin, is to undergo the diamond on ac- 
 count of its being dug from among the 
 scurf and dandruff that cover the cuticle of 
 mother Earth, or to detract the blooming 
 rose because it sprang from muck and man- 
 ure. The King of Heaven himself (our 
 Lord and Saviour) was born in a stable, 
 cradled in a manger, and wrapped in the 
 commonest of twaddles. Begat by a car- 
 penter — [hold up a second, let me wipe my 
 spectacles ; I am not sure about that]— 
 but, at any late, he was born of an humble 
 maid, and played among the chips and 
 shavings that fell from the adze and plane 
 of one who was said to have been his sire, 
 but whom he never called 'father.' 
 Yes, with all his humility, he was the 
 
DOW'S PATENT SEKMONS. 225 
 
 greatest of the great, and the mightiest 
 among the mighty. His Father, as Ee said 
 was m heaven ; and so you can say to any 
 one who boasts of his nobility: Beyond 
 the skies is your Father and my Father 
 who thinks more of us than we do of each 
 other and provides for us both with an 
 impartial hand Now, how much better 
 are you than I ? Did we not spring from 
 the same source ? Are we not made of the 
 same material? Do we not tread the same 
 soil— breathe the same atmosphere ? And 
 shaU we not both be put to bed with a 
 shoyelatlast? Ye-ri-lyf If you TmagL: 
 that from your noble dust nothing less than 
 amaranthine flowers will startf and no- 
 thmg more than ephemeral toadstools from 
 my plebeian ashes-why, then you are la- 
 boring under (as my respected female 
 friend, Mrs Partington, would say) a false 
 and artifical delusion. No, Lord Noble— 
 I, or any other nigger, am just as good as 
 
 ??K~^?J'?^ ^^ ^""^^ behaviour holds out. 
 W^n that caves in, you get the advantage 
 
 . My dear friends : your own acts must 
 
 immortalize your names ; as for relying up- 
 
 on ancestral fame, as weU might a pigmy 
 
 lay claim to strength and stature becausi 
 uis grann-dad "wna « "''Qrif *- ^ , 
 
 n^n^n .«^an- the poet's sentiment and 
 
 of nnWifriw^""'" *^^ P"'^^* specimen 
 
226 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 1 fc* 
 
 
 
 care not whence he sprang — whether from 
 the loins of an autocrat, or from the womb 
 of the commonest wench in Christendom. 
 In short, my dear brethren, this is a sub- 
 ject that will admit of no further expatia- 
 tion. All you have to do is, to prove 
 yourselve noble by noble deeds, and you 
 . will pull yourselves up to a degree of emin- 
 '' ence that never monarch yet attained by 
 inherent worth. So mote it be ! 
 
 ij- 
 
 
 J r^w 
 
 t .^ 
 
 f'f. 
 
 Ill: '' 
 
 ■■\ I 
 
 RIDING DIFFERENT STEEDS. 
 
 Text.— Across the fields and o'er the tide 
 On Fancy's airy horse I i:Je. 
 
 My Hearers : I have ridden many a hard 
 horse in my day, and night too, but the hard- 
 est one that ever I strode, was a trip-ham- 
 mer in a blacksmith's shop, propelled by 
 water power and the deviltry of a son of 
 "Vulcan. The animal was not set suddenly 
 a-going while I was astride, moralizing, 
 philosophizing, scrutinizing and preach in i? 
 against all vices — forgery in paticular, and 
 all forgers generally. That was a hard 
 horse to ride. I could neither stop the 
 beast, nor get off; so I held on, like hope 
 to a christian, till the gate was shut, and 
 my poor body released from its uncomfort- 
 able position. I declare, such a jerking up 
 and down brought all my * milk of human 
 
\} STEEDS. 
 
 BOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 22? 
 
 kindness' to a curdle in less than two- 
 thirds of a moment. My practical piety 
 was broken into fragments not bigger ffin 
 cherry.pits; and, had I known how to 
 Bwep.r, I certainly should have indulged ar- 
 coining to the most modern anTSoved 
 style. But after gradually cooling off I 
 sat myself down and calmly reflected upon 
 the various hobbies, horses and donkevs 
 that men ride through the world-and tSs 
 sermon is the result. 
 
 My friends : the horse most generally 
 ridden bj^s mortals is the stud 5f fenc/ 
 'Across the fields and o'er the tide,' aw/y' 
 we go, upon our winged Pegasus, as though 
 heaven were but a few miles ahead, aSd 
 hell close behind. While searching for 
 pleasures and treasures in the realms Sf im. 
 
 of something for dinner. So we are com- 
 pelled to put foot out of stirrup, and seek 
 sustenance from the common soil, like any 
 other grub-worm. Some airy steeds are 
 very fiery and fractious ; and none but a 
 mad poet would trust himself upon their 
 backs. There are some poets, though, who 
 apparently would take delight in 5d W a 
 streak of lightning all aW creaW 
 They would like to rush from world to 
 world and perform the whole circuit of 
 eternity, in about two minutes and forty- 
 four seconds It is said that witches w3l 
 ride through the air upon broomsticks 
 
I i:^' 
 
 
 is, 
 
 C!t 
 
 
 
 
 i I? 
 
 u 
 
 228 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 amid thunder-storms and tempests most 
 terrible; but I don't believe the devil him- 
 self would venture to straddle on the wild 
 fancies of our modern poet. If he did he 
 were a fool. 
 
 My friends: in religious matters, peo- 
 ple ride donkeys. They don't care about 
 travelling too fast. ' Slow and sure' is their 
 ; motto. They don't care about reachino- 
 salvation too soon ; and as for their favor° 
 ite endless torment, the later they get there 
 the better it suits them. They are all 
 'bound for the kingdom,' however— the 
 kingdom of heaven, and a gold currency. 
 Each mounts his mule, or jackass, and off 
 they start on so many different tracks. 
 Every one is going the wrong way, accord- 
 ing to another's notion, and every one is 
 right, according to his own notion. Well, 
 they all reach heaven after a while. Per- 
 haps Methodist Jenkins gets in first— he 
 having a little the fastest nag— he has only 
 time to take off his hat, wipe his forehead 
 and blow his nose, before along comes 
 Baptist Brown. * How are you, Jenkins ?' 
 ♦How d'ye do, Brown P— a little behind 
 time — better late than never — but who'd 
 a-thought o' seeing you here, though!' 
 Then rides in Protestant Episcopal Mont- 
 gomery, Esq., as dignified as a wooden Co- 
 lumbus, and most mightily astonished is 
 he to find Catholic Murphy alighted at his 
 heels. After whicli, in close succession, 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 229 
 
 arrive Presbyterian Smith, Unitarian Haw 
 
 favored with mild and cUeerinrsuth „:i' 
 another encountered continua stormT 
 But each one's donkey was the V^f S 
 
 S-Zlvt ,^S'-f-^'h?4 was~t! 
 Dest— only the little sly sixpence nonfriV^S 
 some way to creep out of tl?e vest pocket 
 trelr^UuT. ^T^ enough to^'stnd 
 
 ma^v llTf?.?''?^^ '■ ^^ P^^^^^^« *bere are so 
 many different horses ridden, just now 
 that I must take another occasion to mr ' 
 ticularize. If somebody, thou- h (iJn^'l 
 
 seat than I did when I used to ride horse 
 to plough, you may cut my salary down to 
 chips and shavings. So mote it be ' 
 
 ON BREVITY. 
 
 D. , „; TEXT.-Brevity is the soul of wit- 
 
 -o hud, good .u-thy sentences are long and dull. 
 
 My Hearers : this discourse will puzzle 
 you, after you have heard it, to tell^ what 
 
 'i 11 
 
230 
 
 •*•-'. 
 
 -i Jlv 
 
 
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 ^H 
 
 
 ^^^^^^H 
 
 ^^H 
 
 •^ 
 
 
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 f ■»»^i!iP 
 
 
 i 
 
 ^^^^^^^M 
 
 ^^H 
 
 ^^^^^H 
 
 ^ 
 
 ^^^1 « 
 
 / 
 
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 I 
 
 ^H 1 
 
 * , 
 
 ^H ' 
 
 
 
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 V 
 
 ■ '■ 1 I < 
 
 if' 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 it all amounts to, like a good many others. 
 The story of life is a short one ; and it need 
 not take a lifetime to tell it. We come 
 into the world, grow up, get married, pro- 
 pagate, and push off. Where we come 
 from, what we are put here for, and where 
 we go to at last, is as much of a mystery 
 ^s what becomes of a froglet's tail when it 
 ^ropsoff; or wliJther swallows take their 
 flight when the summer is over. These 
 little feathered spirits of the air return 
 again in spring; but for man's departed 
 spirit, alas! it knows no return! The 
 beautiful flowers — how soon they fade, 
 wither and die ! They visit us no more; 
 but, in a little while, we behold their or-' 
 phan children blooming upon their sepul- 
 chres — even as we mortals flourish, for a 
 time, upon the sod that hides the dust of 
 our ancestors, and then sink, to make new 
 soil and new potatoes for our offspring. 
 
 My friends: I will tell you of some 
 truths. By a natural necessity, there must 
 be slaves, of various degrees, all the world 
 over. Now, you know, as well as I, that 
 when you meddle with slavery, it is always 
 at a distance, geographically speaking. 
 You have no slaves at home. Not a slave, 
 nor slaves— at least, you know of none ! I 
 will ' holler' to you my opinion upon slavery. 
 I hold it to be most decidedly a moral 
 wrong. No acknowledged human should 
 be kept in bondage, to be used, abused, 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 231 
 
 bought and sold like a brute. But, my 
 friends, what has morality to do with lega- 
 lity P ^ ' Circumstances alter cases :' this is 
 an axiom as musty as my old bible. Might 
 is not always right— any Hottentot is aware 
 of that : but that might MAKES right, ac- 
 cording to conventional usage, we all know. 
 Your servants are not allowed equal privi- 
 leges with yourselves. Suppose I tell you 
 this is morally wrong ; your only answer 
 under heaven is— they are domestics. The 
 slaveholder's answer is the same, with the 
 exceptionthat HIS slaves are negroes, 
 and by nature inferior to domestics wear- 
 ing a white skin. ' Cursed is Ham,' says 
 the Book of books — ' he shall be a sei-vant 
 of sei'vants.' So Ham is— Southern Ham 
 especially ; and Northern Mutton is but a 
 trifle better conditioned. Now, it is wrong 
 in the eyes of heaven for you to treat ser- 
 vants as though they were but connecting 
 links between your august selves and your 
 hogs. Most decidedly it is; but, I ask 
 you, will it not be equally as wrong for a 
 parcel of law-makers to compel you to 
 place your 'help' (that's your term) at 
 your first table, to give them to drink what 
 you drink, to eat what you eat, and to 
 clothe them even as you are clothed ? The 
 only difference between white, limited, and 
 absolute black slavery is, that the subject 
 of the latter are bound to * hoe de corn, 
 plant do cotton,' whether or no, and make 
 
 / 
 

 11 
 
 00 
 
 
 232 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 themselves contented : whereas those of 
 the former have the liberty to ^o and 
 better themselves, if tliey can. But, friends 
 you know very well that four-fifths of theni 
 are compelled, by circumstances, to st-iv 
 where they are, with wretched pay and 
 worse treatment, till they are kicked out 
 ot doors. Then, who cares, should they bo 
 i driven to beggary ? Not a living Josey 
 
 Lpiyiidi thus plainly, my hearers, upon 
 a delicate topic, because everybody -it 
 present, appears to be interested -includ- 
 ing my old circuit horse. Those friends of 
 mine, the Barnburners, are wide awake 
 upon the subject-my inveterate enemies, 
 the Hunkers are getting excited-my 
 brothers, the abololitionists, are chock full 
 of southern hatred, ginger and soda water 
 —my unfortunate accomplices in political 
 i:ascality, the Clay-men, arehoppin^u 
 like peas upon a hot shovel-and my re- 
 spected fellow Taylor folks are up in krms 
 J. want to see slavery done away with 
 EVERYWHERE : to have people love and 
 respect one another more than they do 
 and entertain a higher regard for indivi' 
 dual rights generally. If I can bring about 
 a more desirable state of things than at 
 present exists, by gentle coaxiS or per- 
 suasive eloquence I'll do it ; but I conL« 
 that I lack both the moral and physicui 
 Sf i-fr.'^*"/ neighbor's housj and 
 "olteTt be'" "'""'^^ arrangements. 
 
r>OW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 233 
 
 BE JOVIAL. 
 
 Tkxt.- With mirth .-uxl Ia„g],(,,„. ],t old wrir.kles 
 
 COlllO, 
 
 Ami let n.y liver rutl.or l.c-it will, vvino 
 Jli.'unny luytco,,! with uuuiUymg ^yoiim 
 Why8houl.lainan whose blooilis X ,* 
 
 AVithltl 
 
 Sit like his Kmii.lsiro cut in alahaster ? 
 bleep when he wakes ?-and creen into tho 
 
 jaundice 
 By being peevish ? 
 
 Mr Hearers : wako up I Don't sit bIcct). 
 mg with your eyes open. 1 know the wea- 
 ther is warm, and the spirit within vouiH 
 weary; but you must shake off all lassi- 
 tilde, and keep the inward man in L^ood 
 humor. If you prize health above the value 
 ot a smooth shilling, and would live to seo 
 old wrinkles drawing their latitudinal lines 
 across your venerable brows. This is an 
 artihcial as well as a natural world • and 
 you must sometimes resort to artificial 
 means for the well-being of your corporeal 
 system. The greatest medidne in the 
 
 3 ?~''^f^*'' "flT^^ and jalap-is mirth 
 and laughter. If. by nature, or from cir- 
 cumstances. you lack in mirthfulness, t'lo 
 best advice I can give you is to take or do 
 sometnmg to make you merry—find food 
 tor laughter, somehow or somewhere. But 
 recollect my friends, that moderation is 
 the word. You must keep in sight of cer- 
 
 4:' 
 
 1 ' 
 
 ■i 
 
 f . 
 :.3; ■ 
 
 1 
 
 •f ■ 
 
 1 
 
 
 »'■ 
 
 ii 
 
 1 
 
 
 i 
 
s A- 
 
 
 Iff- 
 
 it. 
 
 i' 
 
 
 234 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 tain reasonable bounds. There is no pro- 
 X)riety, happiness, nor religion, in going 
 the length of a frog-leap further. 
 
 My friends : I s.-iy, with my old, esteem- 
 ed brother, Shakspere: 'Let my liver 
 (and lijjhts, too, if necessary) rather heat 
 with wine than my heart grow cold and 
 clammy with mortifying groans.* Heavy 
 hearts and gloomy imaginings have put 
 more people to bed beneath the sod than 
 did ever an enlarged liver — whether caus- 
 ed by red pepper, black pepper, mustard, 
 wine, brandy, or immoderate laughter. I 
 mean this, brethren, as a philosophical 
 truth, which even the doctor, the devil, or 
 any other v/ise-thinking individual can 
 ^amsay. Why should a man, ^.rhose blood 
 18 warm within — whose heart is made to 
 beat to the tune of 'Old Dan Tucker'— 
 whose whole existence depends upon mo- 
 tion and activity, inside and out — the com- 
 plicated machinery of whose mind is kept 
 m steady operation only by stimulating 
 food, stimulating drink, and a proper exer- 
 cise of the body— I say, why should such a 
 being sit, like his grandsire in the window 
 of a phrenologist, made of plaster-of-paris ? 
 Give me an automaton clown to a street 
 organ in perference: he does something 
 to make children laugh, to say the least. 
 
 My dear friends : when I see a stupid, 
 lazy, melancholy dolt, monopolizing even 
 two feet of room upon this valuable ter- 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 235 
 
 rostnal ball, I feel as if I wanted to take 
 liirn by the coat-collar and shake up hia 
 sympathies — arouse his dormant enerj^ies, 
 and make liim do something?, eitlier to tho 
 benefit or the detriment of those around 
 him— I wouldn't care which ; for out of evil 
 coraeth good. An occasional roaring and 
 tearing tempest is better than a continual 
 calm ; and tlie bounding billowy ocean is 
 sublimer and more interesting to behold 
 than a sluggish, scum-covered horse-pond. 
 This sleeping while awake, and creeping 
 into the yellow jaundice with peevish- 
 ness, is enough to make a spectator feel 
 mouldy about the diaphragm, and fear lest 
 he become a stale fish in the market 
 himself. 
 
 My worthy friends : man's life is a play 
 —a drama : the earth his theatre ; the stage 
 the city, or that part of the country in 
 which he lives. He is bound to play hia 
 part ; and, to play it well, he must first 
 see that his mind and spirits are in perfect 
 trim ; if they are not, he might as well un- 
 dertake to climb a greased liberty-pole 
 with cowhide boots and buckstin mittens 
 on as to think of making a creditable per- 
 formance. No ! he must get himself right, 
 somehow ; but as to the how of that how, 
 how am I supposed to know better than 
 the actor himself? He must be governed 
 by his own feelings and habits. The state 
 of the mind is everything — and a little 
 
236 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 'I,i. 
 
 \4f-- 
 
 "^ ■ 
 
 ■A > 
 
 
 spilled over. Keep that right, and you 
 are right — right as the odd-numbered 
 pages of a book. To do this, you must ex- 
 ercise — exercise the body, exercise the 
 stomach, and exercise the brain. Then 
 you must take change — change your 
 money, (and always have enough of it,) 
 change your food, change your clothes, 
 'change your location for a day or so, 
 (especially in the summer,) and, conse- 
 quently, you will get a change of air. At- 
 tend to all these changes, and, though 
 they may be a little disagreeable for the 
 time, you will find that you have experi- 
 enced no bad changes in the end. They 
 will reinvigorate and renew you. They 
 will keep you as bright as new tin-ware to 
 the last ; and I shouldn't be surprised if, 
 in your old age, with death staring you in 
 the face, you laughed more heartily than I 
 did, one night last week, when I looked 
 upon a man who raised a club to defend 
 himself fi'oiu an empty pair of breeches, 
 upon Barren Island. So mote it be ! 
 
 
 i 
 
[ONS. 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 237 
 
 lit, and YOU 
 dd-numbcrcd 
 you must ex- 
 exercise the 
 irain. Then 
 ;hange your 
 ough of it,) 
 ronr clotlaes, 
 I day or so, 
 
 and, conse- 
 i of air. At- 
 and, though 
 sable for the 
 have experi- 
 
 end. They 
 
 you. They 
 w tin-ware to 
 J surprised if, 
 baring you in 
 artily than I 
 en 1 looked 
 b to defend 
 
 of breeches, 
 e it be ! 
 
 MOONLIGHT, LOYE AND MUSIC. 
 
 Text.— ITow sweet the uioolight sleeps upon this 
 
 bank ! 
 
 Here will we sit, and let the sounds of 
 
 music 
 
 Creep in our ears. 
 
 ♦ » • * » » Ki 
 
 In such a night 
 Did pretty Jessica, like a little shrew, 
 Slander her love, and he forgave it her. 
 
 My Hearers : what is there more beauti- 
 ful in the arrangment of Nature than a 
 mild, unclouded moonlight evening in 
 midsummer — especially in the country? 
 That liquid radi > u , shed upon all things 
 below, is the ricii, yellow cream of beauty 
 itself— the < (uintescence of all that can be 
 called lovely after sunset — almost too rich 
 and glorious to be supposed to emanate 
 from such an oyster-balloon-looking con- 
 cern as is that globe lamp which old 
 father Nox hangs in the high chamber of 
 hi^iiven to light the holy stars to bed. Yet 
 some of our moons are bunkum — first-rate, 
 as is everything American. I doubt whe- 
 ther Italy, Greece or Ireland can boast of 
 bigger, brighter and lovelier orbs than we, 
 the people of these thirty-one independent 
 United States, are blest with. Talk about 
 Saturn with his seven moons! — he can't 
 begin to shine, after dark, with mother 
 Eai'th, whose pathway is lit by a solitary 
 
! I 
 
 I 1- I 
 
 C 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 ir 
 
 «« 
 
 
 238 row's patent sermons. 
 
 celestial lantern. Seven moons !— what 
 wasteful extravagance !— what wretched 
 economy, when one good one, like ours 
 might answer every purpose! If I had 
 been Nature herself, I should have given 
 a certain number of planets to every sun 
 and a smgle satellite to every planet. Whv' 
 brethren, I would as soon do my soul up m 
 ^ a dirty rag and throw it to damnation; as 
 to show partiality in the distribution of 
 •light to all.' 
 
 My hearers : we ought, nevertheless, to 
 be satisfied with the fair, round moon, that 
 lends such a pleasing, witching (although 
 rather melancholy) smile upon this dull 
 terrestrial sphere. See how it silvers the 
 waves of yonder nervous, trembling, quiv- 
 ering bay !-how brilliantly it mercurializes 
 each brooklet, river and lake !— how beauti- 
 nuiy it bronzes the wide- spreading land- 
 scape— every bush, tree and brown old 
 barn ! How sweetly its mild lustre reposes 
 upon this bank ! Here will we sit, and let 
 the sounds of midnight music creep into 
 our ears. What do we hear?— hark' a 
 persevering whippoorwill re-reiterates his 
 castigating sentiments in song most tire- 
 some to mortal ear : the grass cricket keeps 
 up a monotonous tir-reh-h : the little femi- 
 nine troglet, fi-om a neighboring marsh, at- 
 tempts an octave above the compass of her 
 voice, while a big overgrown masculine at 
 Her side, with his chin resting upon a lily. 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 239 
 
 )se! If I had 
 
 pad, puts in the tum-tums, boo-ker-chings, 
 with a baseness, precision, patience and 
 perseverance worthy of the highest admira- 
 tion. Then, too, as we sit upon the moon- 
 silvered bank, let us listen, with the ears 
 of imagination, to the silent music of the 
 spheres. Don't their sweet sacred psalmo- 
 dies raise the feathers upon the back of 
 Fancy ! Don't they cause her pinions to ex- 
 pand—spread themselves— and take flight 
 into the eternal regions of space, the ethe- 
 real domains of Nothing, and the happy, 
 everlasting home of Nobody ! Yes, my 
 friends, moonshine at midnight, raises our 
 thoughts to the skies, as in a balloon. It 
 
 lets the soul loose from its carnal prison 
 
 separates it from all earthly dross, and lets 
 it ascend, like a feather up a stove-pipe, to 
 commune with its sister spirits in an at- 
 mosphere of purity, love and peace. Oh ! 
 moonlight evenings are the ones to put 
 yeast into a youthful imagination, and to 
 lighten the leaden fancies of the time-worn. 
 They will cause dull weeds upon the hajf- 
 sterile soil of age to resemble the fairest of 
 flowers. They add a fresh furtdsh and new 
 gloss to soiled and threadbare memories. 
 They encircle the heart with a halo of 
 romance, and line one's bosom, for the time, 
 with the soft, fine fur of friendly feeling. 
 You may call it all moonshine, if you please, 
 but there is something in it more potent 
 than common folks imagine. 
 
i ' i 
 
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 240 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 My hearers : in such a night, says my 
 text, did pretty Jessica— like a little naugh- 
 ty shrew, as she was— slander her love, and 
 he forgave it her. Of course he did. How 
 could he have done otherwise in such a 
 night P— in siCH a night, when quiet, se- 
 rene, heavenly Nature whispered only of 
 love, friendship and forgiveness? And 
 now my friends, if you would have your 
 souls softened— your ideal faculties expand- 
 ed—your fancies strengthened in their hea- 
 venward flights— go • out by the light of 
 the moon' with one who fondly holds a 
 place in your bosom, rent free, and medi- 
 tate, confabulate, hesitate, ejaculate, pon- 
 derate, and make love, at any rate. Go ! 
 as I bid you ; and if you don't find that 
 this world has lunar influences, and a,t the 
 same time you don't experience the funny 
 but mysterious sensations of animal mag- 
 netism, why, then I'll give up preaching 
 and go to congress — or some other place 
 equally as bad. So mote it be ! 
 
 DISCOURSE TO THE WIND- WHISTLE 
 ISLANDERS. 
 
 The following is a translation of a sermon that I 
 preached, last Sunday, to the aborigines ofWind- 
 whistle Island. I took no text, but * hollered' to 
 them from a hollow tree, spontaneously, extem- 
 poraneously, and most outrageously. 
 
 My native Bretheen : [perhaps I ought 
 
D- WHISTLE 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 241 
 
 not to have called them my native brethren, 
 because mine have all white facesl-I come 
 among you, not to bring special glad tid! 
 mgs, lor you are not prepared to appreciate 
 tbem; but to tell you how unhappTyou 
 are m this your primitive and penniless 
 condition. You are a most miserable se? 
 of semi-somethings, called human beins-s 
 but hardly worthy of the appellation The 
 moral drapery of your souls'^ is as scant 
 e >arse and uncouth as your physical tog^ 
 
 C^'^ 1. Y V^^^ ^^°^h to make a 
 uead dog bark. It is true, (5, Wind- whis- 
 tiers, that you.eat, drink, make love, da^ce 
 and smg, and imagme that you are happy 
 but your happiness is all a filagree of fancv 
 How IS It possible that you cin be happy 
 when you have no bible-no missionaS 
 -no money-no politicians among you? 
 What I mean by politicians is, men who 
 have got nothing, and are willing to sacri? 
 fice ALL for the civil welfare of your bushy 
 but glorious little island-to have itfl 
 verned according to the great princinlea 
 
 SaTeV '^:V'^''\ ^y Seneraf Son 
 and lately 'taken up' and 'can-ied ouf fr^ 
 
 W ""* »;? *^ "'»«Wo«s Polk WouW you 
 know a bible from a brickbat or a car/of 
 gingerbread, if I were to throw you one? I 
 thought I had one in m-^ -"-t -p-w > X 
 that s my powder flaak/ Noffitowyo^ 
 wo-Wn't ; but it's of no consequence whe" 
 ther^u would or not. foryoS can't T^ 
 
•*»* 
 
 . '«!!!,, 
 
 
 |1- 
 
 242 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 any more than the wind that fumbles over 
 the leaves in the book of nature. Did you 
 ever hear of heaven ? It's a great country, 
 but you have not got there yet, and I'm 
 afraid you never will : you won't, certainly, 
 unless you first know there is such a place, 
 and make some sort of preparations to get 
 there. Well, heaven, O ye poor, benighted 
 and belated Wind-whistlers, is up there ! 
 What you see overhead that looks like mj 
 blue cotton umbrella, here, when spread 
 out, is heaven. You live under the centre 
 of it, and are the farthest off, while we, 
 civilized and enlightened beings, dwell 
 round the edges — where the golden skies 
 commingle with earth, and where perpetual 
 peace and happiness prevail. 
 
 Ye moneyless and miserable inhabitants 
 of Wind-whistle-Island ! Far off to the 
 west, where the setting sun throws a flood 
 of purple and crimson glory upon the 
 clouds, stands the great city of Gotham. 
 I come from there. I come to show you 
 the vast difference between that place anJ 
 this. There, we have heaps of money; 
 and, consequently, are contented and hap- 
 py — you have none; and, therefore, are 
 wretched and miserable. There, we all are 
 honest : we never lie, cheat, nor take ad- 
 vantage of one another — and so we arc 
 prosjDerous. Virtue, with us, is so common 
 that it attracts no attention from the an- 
 gels, who visit us daily with sunshine on 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 243 
 
 their wings; while, on the other hand, vice 
 18 so extremely rare, that when a pa;ticle 
 of It 18 found. Satan looks out of his hole 
 and gapes with wonder ! We have no ca?es 
 nor arxieties to trouble us. We take no 
 thought as to what we shall eat, what we 
 shall wear or how withal we shall be cloth! 
 
 we s^all eat the best we can get, and wear 
 the finest we can afford. Your wome^ re 
 
 ?c^Z7iS^ ^^^ unfinished, as rude Nature 
 foimed them-ours are screwed up here 
 and stuffed out there, to make them look 
 hke something worth loving, ^^u w 
 your wives ramble about out of doors L aU 
 kinds of weather ; plant corn and dig po^ 
 tatoes, while you are off a-fishing-whef-eas 
 
 Sr iff/' P-^«a^dornaifen..forthe 
 rft nff i.-t XT '^''''^^'' y^"^ Children don't 
 die off like November chickens, you take so 
 little care of them. Our young ones are 
 cooped up, and nourished^ wifh careM 
 tenderness : we give them medicine to pr^ 
 vent their getting sick, and, as a matter of 
 coi^se, they live to a good old ^-^e. ""* 
 
 Wmd-whistlers : you are an unhaDDv 
 ^.d degraded peopfe. To be blestf^o J 
 must become civilized. You want, in the 
 ^t!^^''^^ ^- tb-t is the root' of 
 a <i J^i '"'" y°" "eed among you 
 
 gospel, of diflferent persuaeions— a score of 
 tailors, and a Bchoolmaster, 1^60006 
 
1.^ 
 
 ■l,f 
 
 
 24 i DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 among you, and there is no fear but the 
 devil will send y m a plenty of doctors. 
 Then you will be on the broad road to civi- 
 lization, refinement and happiness. You 
 may say that you are contented and joyous 
 as you are ; but I tell you, you are misera- 
 ble — "«nd, if you only knew it, you would 
 feel so. I hope to let you hear the voice of 
 wisdom emanating from this old tree again 
 in due season. Meantime, go to your 
 homes — talk the matter over among your- 
 selves — and come to the conclusion that 
 you are wretched, and mean to be made 
 happy. So mote it be ! 
 
 
 
 I'? 
 15 
 
 f* 
 
 ii 
 
 
 EARLY EETIRING AND RISING. 
 
 Text.— Early to bed, and early to rise. 
 
 Make a man healthy, wealthy and wise. 
 
 My Hearers : the text ' have chosen for 
 my present discourse is most beautifully 
 homely ; but it contains the clean kernels 
 of tnith, without husk or chaff. T believe 
 that the God of Nature intended us to go 
 to roost with the birds and chickens — not 
 WITH them, in one sense of the word, but 
 to retire to rest for the ni^ht at the same 
 time they do. All the brute creation close 
 their peepers at the setting of the sun, save 
 such as see the best in the dark ; and whose 
 deeds are evil : why should man be an ex- 
 
thy and wise. 
 
 EOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 245 
 
 ception, since he is not ^n owl nor a bat 
 that sleeps through the uay for the want of 
 properly-adapted optics ? I see no reason 
 under the planet of Jupiter why you should 
 not go to bed as soon as Evening empties 
 her soot bag upon the earth. and|et out of 
 It at tJie first blush of morn. Even ten 
 hours sleep would do you no harm, after 
 you got used to it ; and I know that most 
 ofyou are able to bear almost twice the 
 quantity without a grunt. 
 
 My friends : by turning in early, you 
 secure health. The brain, the stomach, the 
 whoL: mental and physical system all cry 
 aloud for rest, after a weary day of toil 
 care and anxiety. You may think to ap- 
 pease fretful Nature by attending places of 
 amusement, balls and bar-rooms ; but she 
 18 not to be cheated in any such manner, 
 bhe IS not to be pleased with toys nor tick- 
 led with straws ; nor is she to be deceived 
 by the silent, smooth -sliding hours. She 
 knows the time o' night like a journeyman 
 oyster-opener, or a waiter at Windust's 
 and whispers into the deaf ear of the heart 
 J^et s go. But you heed not her. Very 
 well : on the mon-ow, after the sun has ac- 
 complished nearly one quarter of his diur- 
 nal journey you crawl out of bed, languid 
 
 tdst, and hardly knowing your head from 
 
 a 
 
 ' T7 , J ^vxivf ,yiiig j^uui- ueaa 
 
 hornet s nest, i ou may follow this up for 
 time, but eventually the main pillar to 
 
 a 
 
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 ^^^^^M 
 
 ^^m 1 
 
 ^ ^^ 
 
 ^^^H 
 
 ^^^^^H 
 
 ^^^^H 
 
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 ^^^H 
 
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 ^^H 
 
 ii 
 
 246 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS, 
 
 the temple of health gives way, and down 
 falls the beautiful edifice, never to be re- 
 built for the want of a proper foundation. 
 If you sacrifice your health, you lose wealth 
 — you lose that which is more to be prized 
 than all the gold of Ophir, California, Vir- 
 ginia and North California lumped toge- 
 ther. Your looks betray you late birds 
 wherever you go. I could tell you half a 
 mile oif by moonlight, and look through a 
 pair of patent leather spectacles. 
 
 My dear friends : now look at the man 
 who has been in the habit for years of put- 
 ting on his nightcap at an early hour. If 
 he isn't actually loaded down with the 
 • rocks,' or, in other words, the glittering 
 dust that buyeth everything but a ticket to 
 heaven and happiness upon earth, he is at 
 least what is called well-to-do in the world. 
 With a joyous heart, nd spirits as light as 
 the down of a thistle, he goes forth to greet 
 the young day, while the dew globulets be- 
 spangle the pastures, fields and meadows 
 — while the air is balmy, fresh and invigo- 
 rating — while the flowers are exhaling 
 sweet fragrance in almost visible abundance 
 — while bees, bugs and other insects are as 
 busy as the Fourth of July— and while the 
 feathered choristers are singing spon- 
 taneous hallelujahs, as though they must 
 either do it or burst their gizzards. Look 
 at that man, the early riser ! The rose of 
 health blooms upon his cheek ; his eye 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 247 
 
 sparkles witli the fire and glow of youth ; 
 his step is as elastic as though his legs were 
 set with wire spiral springs, and his body 
 composed of India rubber. He is strong, 
 too ; ay, stronger than last winter's butter 
 —stronger than an argument— stronger 
 than a horse, and tougher than bull-beef. 
 He can outjump, outwalk, outrun and out- 
 live any human that never leaves his bed- 
 chamber till nine o'clock, I don't care where 
 you bring him from — whether from hardy 
 Greenland or from the soft, sunny clime of 
 the equator. He is infusible. He is not to 
 be fiied in his own fat by the melting heat 
 of a midsummer's sun ; and he can bare 
 his bosom to the bitter northern blast, with 
 no more sign of a shake or a shiver than 
 the Bunker Hill Monument inasnow squall. 
 Oh, you puny, sickly, saffron-skinned 
 sluggards, that never see the sun rise ! You 
 lose a glorious sight— an exhibition that 
 affords more pure delight to both eye and 
 soul than all the shows ever presented to 
 mortal view, the Northern Lights and 
 American Museum not excepted. I can't 
 paint the picture. Wh( d I think of it, 
 discouraged Fancy drops her pencil at once, 
 and says it's no use. Try and get up and 
 take a peep for yourselves, for once in your 
 lives: then, if you think it ?i, humbug, go 
 to bed again and snooze till the da/ of 
 judgment, for aught I care. But how do 
 you feel while shaking your feathers with 
 
248 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 
 
 
 ; F 
 
 I ''- 
 
 ; ' ?'"■■ •■'■:!( 
 
 • ■■; -■' III 
 
 P ,:. 
 
 
 
 ^ ^ '■ ' ^ 
 
 1 ^ 
 
 
 ■:;i1 
 
 1 
 
 1 f* ^ .:■■;" . 
 
 1 
 
 Lj, : ; 
 
 the sun hard upon the meridan ? Rather 
 streaked, I imagine— almost afraid to ven- 
 ture into the streets, for fear your shadows 
 should laugh at you. You muster up cou- 
 rage to sally out. * Shocking steamboat 
 accident that, according to accounts in the 
 morning papers,' says an acquaintance 
 whom you happen to meet. • Wliat ac— 
 \ oh— -ah— yes— shocking, very shocking, in- 
 deed— good day ;' and on you speed with a 
 most nervous rapidity for fear of beinr^ 
 further interrogated about what you ouglit 
 to have known hours before. You morn- 
 ing sleepers ! know you not that you lose 
 by driblets the very honey of life, the 
 qumtescence of all that is bright, lovely 
 and joyful in existence ? You do. While 
 others are alive, stirring about, securin^^ 
 health, accumulating wealth, happy and 
 merry as larks, you lie as dead as so many 
 logs, intellectually decaying, morally rot- 
 ting, and corporeally consuming. Arise 
 ye ! ariso ye !— shake off sloth, even as the 
 lion shaketh the dew from his mane; go 
 out and behold the beauties of the morn in 
 all their glory and magnificence, and be- 
 come healthier, wealthier, wiser and hand- 
 somer human beings than you are. So mote 
 it be ! 
 
klONS. 
 
 Ian ? Rather 
 afraid to ven- 
 your shadows 
 uster up cou- 
 ig steamboat 
 jcounts in the 
 acquaintance 
 
 • What ac— 
 shocking, in- 
 1 speed with a 
 fear of being 
 lat you ought 
 You morn- 
 that you lose 
 
 of life, the 
 right, lovely 
 u do. While 
 out, securing 
 , happy and 
 i as so many 
 morally rot- 
 ning. Arise 
 I, even as the 
 lis mane; go 
 'the morn in 
 ice, and be- 
 3r and hand- 
 are. So mote 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 249 
 
 THE LASSES. 
 
 Text,— Aulfl Nature swears, the lovely clears, 
 Her noblest works she classes, : 
 Her 'prentice han' she tried on man, 
 And then she made the lasses, O. 
 
 My Hearers: Dame Nature has reason 
 to be proud of the degree of perfection to 
 which she brought the world when she 
 manufactured the * lovely dears.' They are 
 the last and the most successful of a long- 
 continued series of experiments in the 
 moulding of humanity— the result of the 
 first being nothing more nor less than the 
 production of a stump-tailed baboon — and 
 if not the noblest, are certainly the most 
 polished and finished of all her works. The 
 .materials in the she sex are about the same 
 as in the lords of creation ; only finer, and 
 freer from dross, specks, cracks and flaws. 
 I may liken woman to a loaf of bread com- 
 posed of the finest, bolted flour— light, de- 
 licate and spongy : man, to an unleavened 
 batch of rye and Indian — heavy, coarse and 
 clammy. But behold the fresh and bloom- 
 ing maiden as a being of beauty and grace ! 
 Where is there created flesh or animal form 
 to compare with her ? There are snares, 
 as well as snarls, in her d.irk, flowing 
 tresses. There is a whole alphabet of love 
 in her bright, sparkling eyes : her marble 
 brow, swan -like neck, and round, tapering 
 
250 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 i 
 
 ' f^'.r 
 
 ^' 
 
 "*? 
 
 u 
 
 m • 
 
 
 m*i 
 
 
 a.:: 
 
 rff 
 
 ••ill, 
 
 V«' 
 
 % 
 
 ■y,f 
 
 
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 ■'1 /» . 
 
 Kh* -J 
 
 ■:- 
 
 
 1 1 
 
 i' 
 
 
 K« 
 
 ■>■; ill 
 
 
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 : ■■'! 
 
 
 limbs, combine to make her an exquisite 
 subject for the poet, painter and sculptor : 
 and then that mouth of hers ! — when the 
 winds of passion are at rest, how much it 
 resembles a half blown rose in a mild 
 mornin,£? of May '—and when trans-shaped 
 to a smile, how very like to the bow of the 
 little naughty god Oupid ! Ah, who could 
 ever suspect it of being a hole for pork and 
 beans and apple dumplings ! But has not 
 Nature evidently bestowed a vast amount 
 of pains upon her ! Could she have done 
 more for her by studying an extra thousand 
 years ? No : our admiration for the work- 
 manship displayed in the manufacture of 
 the lasses could never be enhanced in the 
 least, even if they were to be brought into 
 the world with bustles on as big as bushel 
 baskets. 
 
 My friends— Nature tried her 'prentice 
 hand upon us men, because it being rough, 
 coarse kind of work, she could execute with 
 less pains and more facility ; and further- 
 more, she didn't care if she spoiled half a 
 dozen or so in making— and she did succeed 
 in spoiling a few. Without regard to what 
 Moses says on this subject, the first man 
 that Nature made looked tolerably well 
 outwardly ; but she made the forehead too 
 low, the eyebrows too level, and left thfi 
 blood as cold as a sturgeon's ; yes, and she 
 tried to make soap-stone answer for a heart. 
 She made a murderer. Endeavouring to 
 
IMONS. 
 
 3r an exquisite 
 ' and sculptor -. 
 jrs !-— when the 
 ;, how much it 
 380 in a mild 
 n trans-shapod 
 the bow of the 
 Ah, who could 
 le for pork and 
 ! But has not 
 a vast amount 
 she have done 
 extra thousand 
 1 for the work- 
 lanufacture of 
 hanced in the 
 e brought into 
 i big as bushel 
 
 [ her 'prentice 
 it being rough, 
 d execute with 
 ; and further- 
 spoiled half a 
 die did succeed 
 i-egard to wliat 
 the first man 
 tolerably well 
 e forehead too 
 , and left the 
 ; yes, and she 
 s^erforaheart. 
 leavouring to 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 251 
 
 remedy these defects at the next attempt 
 she overshot the mark. To warm the blooij' 
 she mixed in redr:pT>er, ginger and aqua' 
 lortis ; and par uod v!.'e bosom with a va- 
 riety of combustible m. 'erials— the conse- 
 quence ot whicL- V .<s, Bhr produced a quar- 
 reller, wrangler, 1 n.i-.tor and an aspirant 
 to power. Here w as another piece of work 
 spoiled. Being then afraid of the pre- 
 ponderancy of the animal passions, she put 
 up a slight frame- work, barely covered it 
 with dried rubbish, substituted vinegar for 
 blood, made a heart of bass-wood, and left 
 no room for a soul. Thus she turned loose 
 a human being, wholly unsusceptible of 
 rational enjoyment, dead to the pleasures 
 ot the world, and a stranger at the feast of 
 reason. He was a miser and a thief. The 
 result of the next experiment was a crea- 
 ture seemingly correct in every part; but 
 through a multitude of unaccountable mis- 
 takes—nicely covered with putty and paint 
 -he proved to be a hypocrite. Here dame 
 Mature hung her head and paused, as if in 
 a fat of discouragement; but" rallyincr all 
 her energies, collecting all her wisdom 
 exercising all her skill, and using the pro' 
 per materials, she fell to work, and at length 
 produced a honest man! This was dorv 
 
 My hearers— Nature, rejoiced at her suc- 
 cess, now thought she would venture upon 
 her work— the 'lovely dears.' So, with 
 
252 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMOJSS. 
 
 !>«:. 
 
 
 
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 ^.■^=1, 
 
 |.^^ 
 
 f ■S1l| 
 
 #*^'; ■•■• iir: 
 
 ^;* 
 
 fli W'ilK 
 
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 l^'l 
 
 r^ 
 
 '' <■■■,,, 
 
 li lillll. 
 
 the fairest of sifted earth, soft soap, senti- 
 ment, and a bucketful! of tears— sweet- 
 ened with the sugar of love— she went 
 carefully, but right merrily to the task 
 One or two were thrown upon her hands 
 m consequence of being over highly tern' 
 pered and furnished with a little too much 
 tongue. Profiting by these defects, how- 
 ever, she soon completed a beautiful being 
 as lovely as the morning, as pure as the 
 vestal snow, and against whom in her 
 primitive state no one to this day ever dare 
 say aught. Outwardly as fair as the hly 
 and inwardly extra-jeweled with virtue, she 
 walks abroad, a living specimen of the las^ 
 the best, and the most lovely of all Nature's 
 works. Yes, my friends, the lasses are 
 the loveliest of all breathing objects, but 
 amazmgly susceptible of being soiled and 
 put out of kilter for life. Oh, that man 
 should make toys of them for a while, then 
 use them for horses, and afterwards treat 
 them like dogs! Her beauty should be 
 her shield, and her weakness her weapon. 
 In me, nevertheless, the lasses may ever 
 expect to find a valiant protector and a 
 constant friend, I will stick by them, stick 
 up for them, so long as there is anythino- 
 sticky m the first principles of love, admira'- 
 tion and respect; and if any scamp in my 
 congregation dare oppose me, I will wollup 
 him with such a cudgel of pastoral reproof 
 ab 18 not brandished by every expounder 
 
RMOAS. 
 
 >fib soap, senti- 
 f tears — sweet- 
 ove — she went 
 Y to the task. 
 on her hands, 
 r highly tern- 
 little too much 
 3 defects, how- 
 )eautiful being, 
 8 pure as the 
 
 whom in her 
 is day ever dare 
 air as the lily, 
 vith virtue, she 
 nen of the last, 
 
 of all Nature's 
 the lasses are 
 ? objects, but 
 ng soiled and 
 3h, that man 
 p a while, then 
 •erwards treat 
 Lty should be 
 
 her weapon, 
 ses may ever 
 Dtector and a 
 by_ them, stick 
 s is anything 
 f love, admira- 
 
 scamp in my 
 , I will woUup 
 storal reproof 
 ^y expounder 
 
 
 DOW '3 PATENT SERMONS. 253 
 
 of the gospel and good manners. So mote 
 it be ! 
 
 ON NOTING TIME. 
 
 Text.— The bell strikes one-we tak^ no note of 
 tniie ! 
 
 My Hearers : it occurs to me that Time 
 is shoving us on towards our last resting 
 place at the most rapid rate. Yesterday 
 I took a retrospective survey of the dis- 
 tance between the Present and a certain 
 post stuck up in the Past, and, to my ut- 
 ter astonishinent, it measured full fourteen 
 years ! Can it be possible, inquired I of my- 
 self, that what seems to be of yesterday 
 only should be found so astonishingly in 
 the rear P Yet it was so : and I have now 
 come to the conclusion that the Past, Pre- 
 sent and Future are all equally deceiving. 
 Put not your trust in any of them : if you 
 GO, you will be taken in and done for, about 
 as ' ahck' as Jonah. Wriggle yourself, bre- 
 thren, among the three, and make head- 
 way the best way you can. Fond Recol- 
 lection holds us by the coat-tail, and joy- 
 ous Anticipation pulls us by the hair, while 
 Reality gets us about the middle, from 
 whose rough grasp we are ever strun-n.ljjjo. 
 to escape. Somehow all we mortals*^ seem 
 to Avant is to get ahead, reckless of econo- 
 mizmg the little strip of time between here 
 

 ; ! 
 
 1 1 
 
 u 
 
 
 
 . *<• ...l 
 
 
 ■»'.■, ;J1 
 
 
 ^ 1' 
 
 '. , 
 
 
 1 
 • 
 
 
 
 254 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 and hereafter. But there is no use in bein^^ 
 ma hurry: we shall all reach the end Jf 
 life 8 journey sooner than is desirable-and 
 I am afraid, before half of us have earned 
 a pint of gracious salt for the pickling of 
 our precious souls. ^ 
 
 My friends-' we take no note of tirae-' 
 and a good reason why— time never five's 
 a note ; never wants to be trusted and 
 trusts nobody Why, it is enough to make 
 a weeping willow laugh to see h"ow nMy 
 innocent people are cheated out of hours 
 minutes, aye seconds. Good souls, they 
 thmk that because there is a mu titude 
 stored away for them in the Future, they 
 can afford to squander as extravagantly aj 
 they please ; but they will find out, too late 
 1 tear, that minutes are precious eems irrl 
 
 hours worth their circuWerence^irgo^^^ 
 Time flies with the swiftness of a swallow-- 
 
 rapidity of a locomotive upon the great 
 western railroad, and we take matters just 
 as cool and easy as though decline, decre 
 pitude and death were all a romance ! But 
 let me tel you, dear friends, that there is 
 a reality m all these, which' you w 1 bu 
 t'me bvth'i^f experience. If/ou can't tak 
 
 tetlock and hang on like a Dutchman's 
 
 ^ 1.-1, s,„{x -Jo. a iTiixu bull. 11 there hp 
 
 de/±°ff'? *'^^.^ovld that I particuLly 
 
 despise, it is an indolent, lazy loafer, who 
 
JMONS. 
 
 HO use in bein^ 
 ich the end of 
 desirable— and, 
 s have earned 
 ie pickling of 
 
 note of time;' 
 le never gives 
 i trusted, and 
 nough to make 
 26 how nicely 
 out of hours, 
 >d souls, they 
 s a multitude 
 
 Future, they 
 ravagantly as 
 id out, too late 
 ious gems, and 
 ence in gold, 
 of a swallow— 
 i by with the 
 •on the great 
 e matters just 
 ecline, decre- 
 omance! But, 
 
 that there is 
 you will but 
 you can't take 
 
 grab at his 
 t Dutchman's 
 
 If there be 
 
 particularly 
 ' loafer, who 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEHMONS. 255 
 
 lies down in the sunshine of self-content. 
 and permits himself » be bitten by bu-s 
 and beset by flies, regardless of the scoffs 
 and sneers of those who happen to be a 
 little better dressed. Heaven knows, and 
 perhaps hell also, that I am lazy enouo-h 
 to produce general stagnation throughout 
 a neighborhood; but I must say that thou- 
 sands of my fellow creatures, in this little 
 city alone, are far less concerned for the'r 
 temporal welfare than your very humble 
 and most obsequious preacher. So little 
 do 1 care about money, that while the hat 
 18 being passed round, I shall close my eyes 
 and think up a text for the next sermon. 
 Meanwhile, however, let me impress upon 
 your hearts— let me instil into the minds 
 otyour children— that moments are to be 
 pnzeci above rubies, and hours morevalua- 
 ble than the richest mines of Mexico, or all 
 the wealth of the Indies. I had the bold- 
 ness, the other morning, to ask a dissipa- 
 ted looking young stranger how he felt. 
 Kubbmg his forehead, and stroking the an- 
 tenor ol his pericranium, he said he felt as 
 It he was about to make a sudden start for 
 hell on a hard trotting hoiro. Wishincr 
 hira all sorts of luck, I bid him good byS 
 i3iit, friends, the latter end of that young 
 man will turn out to be a great deal sorer 
 than he thinks. He has a hard horse to 
 ride: nevertheless, if he sits easy upon the 
 saddle and make the most of his time, he 
 
f i 
 
 , 
 
 ':»,f. 
 
 :« 
 
 ' '^' *, 
 
 ■*1 " 
 
 <v,-i 
 
 fV ■- 
 
 u 
 
 !<> . 
 
 j>.A ■ 
 
 y 
 1 
 
 
 
 '•llli. 
 
 256 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 may get in without breaking his neck or 
 collapsing his pocket. Time, my friends, 
 as has been truly remarked by one of the 
 eastern sages, is a great deal ' shorter than 
 it IS long.' It is as much shorter than pie- 
 crust as pie-crust is briefer than the sum- 
 ming 1" fa district attorney in behalf of 
 thePEKPLES; and, therefore, it behooves 
 us all that we should stretch it to its ut- 
 most possible tension— for there is nothing 
 like making as much as we can of the little 
 we have. So mote it be ! 
 
 
 ^4 
 
 
 'p. 
 
 \i 
 
 BLIND FOOLISHNESS. 
 
 Tei^T.— I saw a mouse within a trap, 
 ' Poor little thing,' said I, 
 ' Oh I why so foolish to go in ? 
 Pray tell nie, mousey— why V 
 
 My Hearers ; mice are foolish little ani- 
 mals ; they sacrifice their souls for a crumb 
 of cheese, the same as you do yours for a 
 few lumps of gold. I can cobble up an ex- 
 cuse, however, for the mice : it is absolute 
 hunger that drives them to destruction ; 
 but you jump into a pit of misery for the 
 sake of something that you want but don't 
 NEED any mon Uan a white bear needs 
 mittens and an . !oat. Why will you ? 
 —oh !— why will j. u, brethren, for the sake 
 of a shiny dollar, allow yourselves to be 
 
RMONS. 
 
 g his neck or 
 le, my friends, 
 by one of the 
 il ' shorter than 
 lorter than pie- 
 than the sum- 
 ey in behalf of 
 •e, it behooves 
 b. it to its ut- 
 here is nothing 
 can of the little 
 
 NESS. 
 
 I trap, 
 id I, 
 > go in ? 
 ■-why V 
 
 )li8h little ani- 
 uls for a crumb 
 io yours for a 
 'bble up an ex- 
 : it is absolute 
 o destruction ; 
 misery for the 
 STANT but don't 
 ite bear needs 
 V^hy will you P 
 an, for the sake 
 urselves to be 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 2ri7 
 
 entrapped by that arch-enemy of mankind 
 
 driven m by necessity, and men of wealth 
 and apparent respectability are caurhf 1.^ 
 
 theirownindiscretionatlas^Mln^^^^^^ 
 has he counted as ffame • atid if JcT if ?^ 
 
 or three years sinel hTcaughVa bistop*:? 
 the trnl m the state of Nel York, but a^ 
 
 What are thl'tr^;^'^^^ b^u 1?"^^ 
 my friends, every rum-miU, ri-oseerr ^^' 
 ippWshop (where they dSf sdTGoTD 
 .quor) 18 a trap set by the devil to S 
 tZZ\ '^J-^.P'lty of not hav^g'oter 
 three cents m their pockets for the^t°me 
 
 My hearers : far be it from me to aav;«» 
 you to go to the devil, iv any enjre.enll 
 but avoid his traps. Keep oSrof wLi 
 street. Church streft, andn^ev^r ent,-^S 
 
 liquid hell-fire at three cents a eo • ina T 
 wouldn't insure your souls, undef a h?avv 
 P?; ««°tage, were I certaii that vou fm'^ 
 iibed alcohol at even a shillingTnS 
 roungmen! look out for the tfap's ^"d 
 
258 
 
 POW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 J' 
 
 ■ ii'it 
 
 snares of the world, or yo'.i may kuve a 
 clif-nce to Bqiieal vviien it is ti'O late for 
 succor. Every jMeasure bath if:8 poison, 
 and eacli sweet a snare, n'^i hath been truly 
 said by somebody. It was ' ever thusfi'om 
 childhood's hour' — yea, it always has been 
 so since Nature was a little girl and wore 
 pantalettes. And you, ye gray- haired wor- 
 shippers at the shrine of Mammon ! if you 
 allow your avaricious propensities to get 
 and keep the bettei of that divine creature 
 called Conscience, you will worry out the 
 remainder of your days in a cage of misery 
 and torment — in a trap -cage set by Satan 
 and baited with a sixpence. Brethren !— 
 one and all — don't be caught with chaff, 
 saw-dust nor gold-dust; but pursue the 
 even course of prudence and beauty ; and 
 should you happen to get into the mire of 
 misfortune, Heaven, Hope, and Perse- 
 verance will as surely put you upon solid 
 ground again as (by the looks of the wea- 
 ther) it will be a fair day to-morrow. So 
 mote it be ! 
 
 
 i u 
 
 : * 
 t 
 
 1 
 
 i 
 
 L 
 
 li 
 
 
 mi^ 
 
 
 lo 
 

 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 259 
 
 ON LOYE AKD FLOWERS. 
 
 Text.-' Young Love once in a garden strayed. 
 
 Where Philomel his star- watch keep/ng, 
 
 Ju ^^'^' '""°" ^^^ ^"'^e so played 
 That flowers, oppressed with joy, hun" 
 weeping ' ^* ° 
 
 And fairy elves, in lily bells, 
 Entranced, forgot to weave their spells.' 
 
 Mt Hearers: All of my discourses, you 
 well know, heave a moral, rather than a re- 
 hgious nature ; but in their moral, mind ye. 
 a few seeds of religion may be picked out 
 just as well as not; and if you don't do it 
 It isn t my fault, no more than I should be 
 to blame if you were all to go to destruction 
 with a lot of my sermons in your pockets. 
 Now, there is a great deal of religion, as 
 well as mora ity, m love-it is good enough 
 week-day religion for any onef but it must 
 be pure, genuine, unadulterated love— love 
 for everything virtuous, fair and beautiful 
 -love the sex, love for truth, love for hon- 
 esty love for one another, and lastly, but 
 not leastly, ove for flowers. [It has not 
 yet been decided among politicians whether 
 love for hard cider is relilion or not 1 Yes 
 my friends, you must all love flowers or 
 you can't have the elements of true jo^ o 
 la your souls. If you despise flowers yo'u 
 despise me, and mock my religiori^eve? 
 knew a person, since I shed m| swaddSng^! 
 
2G0 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEKMONS. 
 
 ■ 
 
 ..*1 
 
 
 ^^^H 
 
 
 ^^^H 
 
 
 ^^^^^1 ! ii£ 'itEii 
 
 ^^^H '■ ^. "^h 
 
 ^^^H >%^#> 
 
 ^^^^^^^H 
 
 
 ^ tz 
 
 ^^^^B' 
 
 lir.-^ . 
 
 ^^^^^^^1 ' 
 
 %fV:. 
 
 
 ^ri^-',; 
 
 ^^H 
 
 l^-.:! 
 
 ^^^H 
 
 PJ*.: 
 
 ^^^^B 
 
 ^ -. . 
 
 ^^^H 
 
 < ■ • .t 
 
 ^^H 
 
 '««!?-' 
 
 ^^H 
 
 *■* .. 
 
 ^^H 
 
 
 ^^^H 
 
 
 ^^1 ^f />' - 
 
 ■ :'i:-.:> 
 
 
 ■ ^' 
 
 ■ : :|; 
 
 !• 
 
 ■ m 
 
 
 
 that looked upon flowers with cold indif- 
 ference, but was morose, soggy, and per- 
 fectly destitute of love. AH the tender sym- 
 pathies for ever ice-bound in the frigid zone 
 of the heart, can awaken, in such a wretch, 
 none of _ those fine exquisite sensibilities 
 which animatetheloverof flowers, virtue and 
 women, and render him an ornament to 
 those paths in which he is destined to loco- 
 mote. Love — the little boy. Love — the be- 
 gotten of ^ the Seraphim and Cherubim- 
 was born in the midst of a beautiful garden, 
 in dog days, and beneath the umbrage of a 
 cooling bower. The first naturalized kick 
 he gave was upon a bed of roses, amid the 
 aroma of ten million diff'erent flowers, from 
 the scentless toadstool of Down East, to the 
 sweet-smelling zinziber of the West Indies. 
 When the infant god first shook the dew 
 from his new-fledged pinions, and tried 
 them to the balmy breeze of morn, there 
 was a happy devil at work in the garden, and 
 no two ways. A magnetic thrill of joy, my 
 hearers, caught the finger of an erratic 
 squash vine, and shot over the whole vege- 
 table with the speed of liquid lightning. It 
 didn't stop here — it continued on from plant 
 to plant, and from shrub to shrub, bursting 
 buds in its course, and adding new blossoms 
 to every stalk. Philomel — *hat pretty speck 
 of melody blown out ot Paradise — came 
 and tuned his flute upon the hawthorn, and 
 poured such enchanting notes into the lis- 
 
DOW'S PATENT SE14M0NS. 261 
 
 tening ear of the lady-moon, that she blush- 
 ed hke a boiled lobster. The harebells, lilfes 
 roses, geraniums, daises, holly-hocks and 
 butter-cups all hung down their heads, and 
 wept honied tears of ecstacy. The elves and 
 the fau-ies were spell-bound at the serenade 
 and forgot to come the science overthe 
 mysteries of moonlight. Dame N«,turepul! 
 led up her under linen a couple of inches 
 and danced to the merry beatings of her own 
 heart, Philomel's flute, a,nd the glad muZ 
 of the spheres. O, my friends, there w^sa 
 glorious time when young We first sTray! 
 edm the garden-in the garden of Eden 
 l^%^l~^^^^^^^ there is where he made 
 his debut and promised that the draiTa of 
 life should go off happily-and so it would 
 ifthe devil m the pit hadn't kicked up a 
 
 fooT' i;f/P^^ V?^« whole-just like the^old 
 tool ! But, my friends, we have this elori- 
 ousconsplation-I say glorious consolation 
 Z'^'ti^l'-^ «^Perbly glorious consolatTon 
 -and that IS, he hasn't cheated us out of 
 
 to nart; J't ^^' "/^ '""^''^ ^ poison in 
 to parts of It— made some of it impure It 
 
 f .°^f ?^!for you to obtain that which is un 
 
 tainted by the foul filth of the worfd and 
 
 let me tell you how to do that thing ' Just 
 
 scrap.. . smell ngacquaintance with flowers 
 
 becc/o familiar with themj court th^ir^o' 
 
 ciety often; and I don't care if your hearts 
 
 are harder than Dutch cheese,They wHl 
 
 8oon begin to soften in the warm liquoi of 
 
 
262 
 
 rr' 
 
 1>UV7S r.\.TE;jT SERMONS. 
 
 #5 
 
 u 
 
 II ' 
 
 friendsliip, and be ready for pickle in the 
 syrup of love. It will take the meat-axe out 
 of your tempers — civilize you, aiid render 
 you fit subjects for the kingdom of everlast- 
 ing happiness. I teli you, my hearers, that 
 , you must be on good terms ,vith garden 
 flowers, or you never can enjoy that pure 
 love which is the foundation of all holiness, 
 and Tnnds members of thehiman family to- 
 gether, with rosy wreaths if peace. If vou 
 don't love flowers, you cant belong to 'i:^ 
 church, and the sooner you get out of it ti. 
 better for me and the cause which I have 
 labored for years to build up. Now, as the 
 season is approaching when the children of 
 Flora put cm their gayest aitire, wear the 
 brightest bloom on their cheeks, and are 
 most vorthy of being beloved, I hope and 
 pray that you will occasionally quit these 
 vice-stained streets, take a walk into the 
 country, and become morally renovated by 
 a friei.dly intercourse with flowers. If you 
 would all tread in my footsteps, you might 
 find yc selves, every now and then, in the 
 m^'st of a blooming paradise, planted to 
 til ^as'vard of the outhern xtremity of 
 B; ad^ y, called Hogg's Garden. 0, my 
 friends, it is a delightf 1 spot; where flo^' era 
 from all climes are for ever breathing the 
 sweetest of fragrance* and whifiT>e'!*TT}'^ '"^ 
 unknown tongues, of friendship, love and 
 affection. 1' go there frequently, and return 
 with a bosom full of sentiment and philau- 
 
MONS. 
 
 pickle in the 
 e meat-axe out 
 u, aiid render 
 omofeverlast- 
 y hearers, that 
 s ,vith garden 
 ijoy that pure 
 of all holiness, 
 man family to- 
 peace. If you 
 belong to V ^ 
 :et out of it ti. 
 whidi I have 
 . Now, as the 
 the children of 
 tire, wear the 
 eeks, and are 
 3, 1 hope and 
 Uy quit these 
 valk into the 
 '■ renovated by 
 lowers. If you 
 ps, you might 
 d then, in the 
 e, planted to 
 
 extremity of 
 
 rdon. O, my 
 
 where flo^^'era 
 
 )reathing the 
 
 1 • • • 
 
 r n 1 C3t%4-ii*Tr%r» -1*1 
 
 --•••pt^r^g, I.- 
 liip, love a d 
 ly, and return 
 t and philau- 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 263 
 
 thropic love, and much better prepared for 
 my Sunday duties than before. I bring bou- 
 quets to the city— and little children and 
 pretty girls run a r me by instinct— for 
 such is the effect llowers have on innocence 
 and virtue— but as I pass down Wall street 
 the sinful men of the world take no notice 
 of what I carry in my hand, knowing that 
 the buds are not silver, nor the blossoms 
 gold. Such is the non-effect they have oil 
 vice. These men will go to torment, because 
 they don't like flowers— but I beg of you, 
 my friends, to go out to that garden occa- 
 sionally— wives, sweethearts and all, and 
 ' ave your minds purified, your fierce dis- 
 aitions mollified, the virtue of flowers 
 tcitifiod, by having your morals rectified, 
 and the truth of my doctrine exemplified. 
 So mote it be ! 
 
 ON THE PRACTISED ARTS OF LOVE. 
 
 T.^^TT" , I>o anything but love; 
 
 Or it thou lovest, and art a woman, 
 
 Hide thy love tVom him whom thou dost worship. 
 
 Never let hitn kiiow how dear he is ! 
 
 ilit like a bird before him ; lead him from tree to 
 
 tree, 
 From flower to flower— but be not won, 
 
 ■n" wi. i -"' ■■; , ■;' ' '^l— "^a^--- iiua caught, 
 
 lie left to pme neglected. — L. E- Landon. 
 
 My Heaeeks : I've found it all out— I 
 liave been tee-totallj bamboozled. I said. 
 

 
 ;h 
 
 1 "*"' 
 
 3C4 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 while under the hydrophobia of revenc^o a 
 few Sundays ago. that women hadn^uny 
 love ; but now I begin to feel a little eot?? 
 
 Bul?« R ^7f^'tf ^il**^« girls, from J{ 
 Bulls Head to the Battery, in mv lllx 
 Bince then. One thought me real mean for 
 ^ uttering such sufer-diaboh-cal sentiment 
 -another said f didn't know anyt^^, ' 
 about the nature of woman, or was too o d 
 to appreciate the influence of love in any. 
 body-and others stuck to it that I must 
 have been disappointed in some love scmpe 
 and only wanted to fall out, for the sake^of 
 kissmga^id making it up again; and so 
 1 ve catched it right and left. Now the 
 fact of the matter is, I have been declived 
 I was under the impression that, if there 
 was any such thing as love in the girl kind 
 It would stick out so as to be seen w?th 
 
 h^!tS -^f' ^"^^ «^« ^«^ i*is. They 
 hide their love, as my textsays-I wouldn% 
 
 them to do It; and she knows what's what 
 
 outnf f?;' *^* ^^^^^ Who broomed me 
 out of the house a spell ago. O. these 
 
 girls are cunning creatures ! ^ Well, I hke 
 
 em the better for their seeming coldness 
 
 tual y possess a quantum sufficient of that 
 exhilarating gas, called love, which diff'^g 
 use ftnroughout this oviparous, sublunary 
 world of ours, ind impregnates the whole 
 human race with witching symptoms of 
 
RMONS. 
 
 )ia of revenge a 
 aen hadn't any 
 3el a little sorry 
 
 girls, from tlu) 
 y, in my flux 
 e real mean for 
 cal sentiments 
 now anythins,' 
 
 or was too old 
 >f love in any- 
 it that I must 
 me love scrape, 
 for the sake of 
 a.i?ain ; and so 
 eft. Now the 
 been deceived. 
 
 that, if there 
 
 the girl kind, 
 
 be seen with 
 V it is. They 
 ^s— I wouldn't 
 mdon has told 
 s what's what 
 
 broomed me 
 ?o. O, these 
 
 Well, I like 
 ling coldness, 
 ihat they ac- 
 icient of that 
 ^hich diffu»'^<» 
 IS, sublunary 
 bes the whole 
 symptoms of 
 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 205 
 
 ideality and engenders a spint of i?ood will 
 among the gregarious sexes ! As old ^ I 
 am. I even love the fair sex. for the 
 shrewdness and scientific tricks they dis! 
 play when admirers are trying to^coa^ 
 them mto the rat-traps of theirliff, ctfons 
 If further proof than my text offeirfs 
 needed, that women are tinctured witi the 
 
 ble and A^-J'l' T^^^^^ J^ nncomovera- 
 we, and cant be disputed: ' Girlandum 
 
 ?liX -"'f '"P^^l^^"?""^' ^* posse com^ 
 tatus flirtie femmi, hoc homo quid tobaxjco- 
 juice con amoriso kissandrum pro siXT 
 dum, sine desperando nihil fain^tlbit^ 
 
 r.r^''J'T1^^^f^°^^^^ ^^^^ov^, having 
 proved, fairly, directly, perpendicul-n-lv 
 Uzontally and collate^'alfy, S Cup dfa 
 the fledgling of your bosoms, and true love 
 
 K?fi "^ "^ ^-^r ^^^^'^«' I mean to go 
 Halt the figure with you and mvtexf7n 
 
 epeakmg of its exercise. It teUs vou Jn 
 ^anything but love-a stumper to^Wn 
 with--can't go in for that. You oLht to 
 love because it is the soul of that religion 
 
 7tth ^t"'"}r 1^'^^"" ^^^ harmon/on 
 eaith, and adds lustre to the diadems of 
 angels m heaven. But you m«y conceal 
 i'\^Z'^'^^i^S_asyor. think p^p'e^t 
 iiri^ tue best way to make admirers 
 for fh/''^ <3on't care much about tTem; 
 for they are sure to love you the more, and 
 wiM use greater exertions to win you over 
 
2G6 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 M 
 
 •*|i( 
 
 
 */ . :,:i.i 
 
 *i ,. 
 
 Jflll 
 
 
 into the moonshine of their affections. It's 
 no use of telling you to hide your love un- 
 tier a bushel, because I know you often- 
 times do it, whether or no. As my old 
 Iriend Shakspere says, you don't always tell 
 your love, but let concealment, like a moth 
 m a red woollen blanket, feed upon your 
 damask cheeks. It's all right— perfectly 
 right— go it, girls, with a deer- like shyness ' 
 Lioad the lover on, from tree to tree, and 
 flower to flower, like the eastera bird of 
 hope— but don't let him come near enouoh 
 to sprinkle salt on your necks, or you are 
 gone sparrows. Keep just such a distance 
 before him— and this distance will lend a 
 very peculiar enchantment to his view 
 your defects, if you have any, will wholly 
 disappear, and your beauties will gli^N n 
 like a tm teapot on the suhimit of a hea- 
 ven-kissmg hill. [Shakspere.] Yes, as 
 you recede from the lover's gaze, your 
 charms will increase in splendor, inasmuch 
 as the golden atmosphere of love will fall 
 between, and you will appear before his 
 treacherous vision like beings of lio«ht sur- 
 rounded by a halo of glory. You should 
 lollow up this game till you find your pur- 
 Buer IS dead set on taking you into the ark 
 ot connubial happiness : and then you may 
 allow yourself to be cornered up. bnt dnn'V. 
 give up too suddenly, or it may spoil all 
 tlietun; rather contrive some way to get 
 into close quarters— and even then, you 
 
EMONS. 
 
 • affections. It's 
 le your love un- 
 low you often- 
 0. As my old 
 lon't always tell 
 3nt, like a moth 
 'ecd upon your 
 ight— perfectly 
 3r-like shyness"^! 
 ee to tree, and 
 iastern bird of 
 ne near enough 
 cks, or you are 
 3uch a distance 
 nee will lend a 
 '' to his vie'y; 
 ly, win wholly 
 3s will gliLt' n, 
 amit of a hea- 
 3re.] Yes, as 
 's gaze, your 
 tdor, inasmuch 
 f love will fall 
 ear before his 
 js of light sur- 
 . You should 
 find your pur- 
 ►u into the ark 
 then you may 
 \ up, but don't; 
 ' may spoil all 
 aie way to get 
 en then, you 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 'HQ'J 
 
 must dodge round and try to elude every 
 earnest grasp, till you find you can't stru*/- 
 gie any longer with the giant impulses Sf 
 the heart. Then yield at once in the bliss- 
 lul agony of submission, and say, 
 Here, sir, I give mvself away, 
 lis all that I can do.' 
 Follow this method, and you will secure 
 to yourself such matrimonial peace and 
 comfort as an abrupt union can neither 
 give nor take away. I don't care what my 
 text says-depend upon it, you will not be 
 left to pine neglected, Hke a maiden robin 
 m a solitary cage. No, my dear young fe- 
 males-a person who has experienced so 
 much trouble, and used such perseverinrj 
 exertions to coax his dear turtle-dove to his 
 bosom, will never forsake it when once se- 
 cure m his affectionate embrace. He will 
 press it to his heart in times ofdano-er 
 sorrow and afHiction-support and cheSsh 
 It as the companion of his lonely hours, 
 and cling to it even when the shears of 
 JJeath are about to clio the conjugal thread 
 and separate them for ever. 
 
 My hearers— happy unions may some- 
 times agree with hasty marriages; but the 
 best way to ensure happiness is to live as 
 *tT?.^Y^7^^^ marriod but yesterday; 
 ana .vau to die prescait enjoyment the firm 
 resolution of becouung more moral, more 
 virtuous, more pious, and consequently 
 more happy, till we are called upon to 
 
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 268 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 give in the sum total of all our virtues and 
 vices, at the bar of Heaven. So mote it be ! 
 
 ON DANCING. 
 \ 
 
 Text. -Lost they not then all sense of present woe 
 In that wild dance ? Thus musing as I 
 gazed, 
 0, it was beautiful to see them throw 
 Up their sinister \Qg, and, with hands 
 raised, 
 Politely intimate, while poised so, 
 At each gyration's close, that they did 
 * jump Jim Crow.' 
 
 My dear Hearers : I have no doubt but 
 the subject before me might be a source of 
 bunkum delight to young men afflicted 
 with levity, and girls of hyperbolical giddi- 
 ness, were I to descant upon it according to 
 their notions of fun, pleasure and happi- 
 ness, in this take-in sort of a world. I 
 wouldn't have you think that I am tee- 
 totally or>posed to dancing in every shape 
 —for the very plain reason that I used to 
 heel and toe it a trifle, ere my old legs had 
 refused to perform the bidding of the will, 
 as is now the case. But the fact is, I was 
 wont to cut it down too strong altogether 
 — 1_ carried^ the step too far— went the 
 double-shuiiie too mightily—but 1 couldn't 
 help it. I was obliged to mind the music 
 and keep up with my partner j and the 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 269 
 
 way she would balance up, and right-and- 
 left, was significant of something more than 
 nothmg. I soon began to lose health, 
 flesh cash and morality ; and finally told 
 all the frivoLties of the world to go to pot 
 and I would goto preaching— preach good 
 morals, moderation, temperance, love and 
 a particular cautious step in the scientific 
 practice of dancing. I don't like the looks 
 ot such ball-rooms as they have lately, nor 
 the way they manage matters. Artificial 
 corruptness covers over and destroys all 
 that beautiful simplicity which graces the 
 domestic circle The girls are all so titi- 
 vated off with false beauty and flipperings, 
 that a fellow loses his heart before he knows 
 It ; and the plague of it is, he don't know 
 which of the fair ones has got it. Generally 
 speakmg, it s much better for him if he 
 never fands it out; for he should take into 
 consideration, that everything is not gold 
 that glitters-neither is every girl an angel, 
 though she glides through the mazes of the 
 dance like a spirit clothed with the rainbow 
 and studded with stars. He may behold 
 his admired object, on the morrow, in the 
 true light of reality-perchance emptying 
 a wash-tub m the gutter, with trock pin- 
 ned up behind— her cheeks pale for the 
 wantoi pamt-herhair mussed and w^^^^y 
 except what lies in the burean-and ' he^ 
 whole contr . :• wearing the appearance of 
 an angel rammed through a bush fence 
 
270 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 Cf^ii\ 
 
 into a world of wretchedness and woo. 
 Now, my dear friends, supposing a yountj 
 man does happen to find his snatch ed-up 
 beautj^ in such a predicament I say it is 
 a glorious recommendation for him— and 
 if he don't like it, he must keep away from 
 ! those places where loveliness is patched up 
 for the occasion, and where a she devil and 
 a she seraph are one and the same thino-. 
 Every ball, now-a-days, is a masquerade-*^ 
 its attendants are as false as they appear 
 to be fair— and when day- light comes to 
 unmask them-, they can boast of no great 
 attractions, either inside or out. They are 
 too fond of blowing it out « till day-light 
 doth appear,' instead of hanging up their 
 fiddles at eleven o'clock, and winding off 
 with ' Lord, dismiss us with thy blesslno-,' 
 as was the case in the good old days of 
 yore. Dancing has been gathering a thick 
 coat of corruption for a long time. The 
 primitive Shaker jig is the only pure pigeon 
 wmg, to my notion, though I never went 
 their figure. The old down-outside-and- 
 back is the next natural and simple form 
 of leg worship ; the Jim Crow jump is a 
 falling off from either— and the fashionable 
 capers cut at the present day are all stupid 
 nonsense. What meaning is there in what 
 they call a quintillion ? It's all full of such 
 hosr-latin as dose.a,.rln«fi I l*^m/^vio/^i.^ r,n i 
 alamode 
 
 I 
 
 fise- 
 
 lerc-de- chase-here I and so on, and so forth 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 271 
 
 ™tzing is more stupid yet— nobody can 
 do it real slick unless they have the sprino- 
 
 ixn ^^ ?^® ^^"' ^^ lioi'ses sometimes have 
 When I see a chap hugged up to a girl 
 performing constant revolutions, at the 
 rate of six to a minute, I can't help sus- 
 pecting that he is trying to get round her 
 m a very nonsensical way. O, this waltzino. 
 IS a silly piece of business. A pupp? 
 whirling round after his tail makes a more 
 respectable appearance than a couple of 
 our Heavenly Father's images in the ludi- 
 crous position of waltzing. If daucinc^ 
 must be done at all. I say let it be don? 
 decently and m order—after the manner of 
 the times in which I came the ajetta to a 
 mcety. Let the figure be simple— keep 
 at a respectable distance while balancing 
 to partners— and when you go down the 
 middle, don't squeeze hands too tight, and 
 look out for the corn plantations on either 
 Bide. 
 
 My beloved friends : it always affords me 
 a full purse of pleasure to see my youno- 
 pupils happy in the enjoyment of rational 
 pastime, I would not, for the world, throw 
 aloes m the wine-cups of young men ; nei- 
 ther could I have the cruelty to force worm- 
 wood tea down the delicate throats of those 
 dear, delightful ansrels who h 
 theii 
 
 oTior me with 
 
 presence. But while drinkincj fr 
 
 the pitcher of pleasure, you must be .;a,u- 
 Jnl and not drink so deep as to make a buz- 
 
 oru 
 
 care- 
 
■ it- ^1 
 
 
 
 
 272 row's patent sermons. 
 
 zing quiU factory of your cock-lofts. If you 
 do, you may stand a chance to learn St 
 Vitus dance, or be obliged to dance down the 
 dai;k alley, to the tune of Delirium Tremens 
 Think of this, my young friends, and toe 
 out hke a tea-stand ! I know, full well, that 
 you find a good deal of fun in your wild 
 dances— you lose, at the time, all sense of 
 present woe, and feel light as corks; but 
 mind, I tell ye, if you keep it up of a night 
 till you get your pores too far open, the 
 storm that may blow on the morrow will 
 beat in, till you become water soaked, and 
 hnally sink down beneath the waves of cor- 
 ruption, to rise no more. May each of you 
 weigh my sentiments on the subject with 
 the steelyards of prudence— dance not on 
 slippery places— and return, as far as con- 
 venient, toward the good old ways of your 
 ancestors. So mote it be ! 
 
 
 
 ON UNION. 
 
 Text.— 'Union,' the woods, 'union,' the floorls 
 Union/ the hollow mountains ring. ' 
 
 Mr Hearers: if we look abroad, cast a 
 philosophic eye over what Nature, or Na- 
 tures God has created, we shall find that 
 co^.€3ive uiiion everywhere exists. The 
 rocks are attached to each other— the trees 
 ot the forest grow quietly together without 
 
iRMONS. 
 
 ock-lofts. If you 
 ice to learn St. 
 
 dance down the 
 lirium Tremens, 
 fiends, and toe 
 w, full well, that 
 ti in your wild 
 ne, all sense of 
 
 as corks; but 
 it up of a night 
 far open, the 
 le morrow will 
 fcer soaked, and 
 he waves of cor- 
 lay each of you 
 e subject with 
 -dance not on 
 , as far as con- 
 
 1 ways of your 
 
 on,' the floofls, 
 ntains ring, 
 
 ■broad, cast a 
 Fature, or Na- 
 hall find that 
 exists. The 
 her— the trees 
 jether without 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERM0N8. 273 
 
 and the floods, as they roll stem M * ^"^ 
 mur and complain, as^though'^'^iltT,^' 
 
 ^. :a:: tve'tT *°"'^™°' ^"' 
 
 other goes-lXroneTleepT iT'^l''' 
 sleeps ; and when straJi ? j . °"'®'" 
 
 ™se to trouble, if one beTn^^rt f^^^.f' ^ 
 must be SHOOK tor, Til! .™?' t^e other 
 
 my friends, wlicryoi™„rr '^T"' 
 take a pattern from.^JZrs t T"*"* 
 mament sing toeether t^! V""! ^''■ 
 
 caterpilla^-s, b1.ttS,[i;ds andSl v''".'- 
 of insects, seem to dwell to^'JhZ-]!'^^ 
 
 mony, friendship and lov Wth ^J""^- 
 ception of some instancelwheTeLt^- f ' 
 -m to be sustained tl'J^'^^'^^tt 
 
 My fi'iends — be unifpr? « Tr, 
 wellasi„.„o„io„:™ereis sS-enTh"' A 
 fc t'^^^^.^Pg-'-Bt itself St eomt 
 uown. in politics, and in rpln+i^« 4. 
 
 the good Book: nL/.TAi."^^®^^^' says 
 i>e united. I am^n^^^^ 'T' ^^^ ^"«* 
 something like ? f^^.^^'f^j however, that 
 
 lias lately^been stiSL"^^ ^'"*^^^^^ ^^^^ 
 444'^ ^^^"^^^ "P among us. You 
 
 s 
 

 !i-^»., 
 
 \i/% 
 
 ■4 -) 
 
 274 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 seem to feel the necessity of union—you 
 are determined to act upon this necessity ; 
 and, if you don't whip the Whigs for the 
 two following years, you disgrace your 
 political profession, are a dishonor to your 
 country, and unworthy of the name * Lc 
 COFOCO.' As for me, I always assist the 
 party I think is going to win. I have 
 helped the bear heretofore, but now I in- 
 tend to help YOU— provided you help your- 
 selves as much as you can, by sticking to- 
 gether, like a flock of sheep, and huddhn» 
 the closer the more furiously drives the 
 storm. Let * Union, for the sake of the 
 Union,' be henceforward our motto— our 
 watchword— our shield— our musket— our 
 shovel— our * toothpick,' and our spade— 
 and, just as sure as the glorious sun shall 
 shine on my straw hat to-morrow, we shall 
 go on ' conquering and to' eat clams, till 
 the last vestige of Whiggery is swept into 
 the dark north-east corner of oblivion— 
 besides doing other great things. 
 
 My dear friends : what a lovely sight it 
 would be, too, to see all the different reli- 
 gious sects and denominations throughout 
 the world, united in spirit, faith and doc- 
 trine !— all worshipping after the same form 
 and manner, in one grand, magnificent 
 temple, as it were whose dome is the blue- 
 arched fik^ ' " " 
 
 TTT»riJ-\Ct£\ *\J^rt 
 
 14. -•-. 
 
 •J-1-. 
 
 mountain; and whose broad aisle is th. 
 valley of the Miasissigpi ! Oh, what a beau- 
 
EEMONS. 
 
 of union— -you 
 'n this necessity ; 
 
 Whigs for the 
 11 disgrace your 
 dishonor to your 
 
 the name ' Lo- 
 Iways assist the 
 to win. I have 
 •e, but now I in- 
 d you helj) your- 
 , by sticking to- 
 p, and huddling 
 usly drives the 
 he sake of the 
 our motto — our 
 iir musket — our 
 nd our spade— 
 )rious sun shall 
 lorrow, we shall 
 
 eat clams, till 
 ry is swept into 
 r of oblivion— 
 hings. 
 
 lovely sight it 
 } different reli- 
 ions throughout 
 
 faith and doc- 
 3r the same form 
 id, magnificent 
 Dme is the blue- 
 
 is 
 
 
 CL'C^i-iui 
 
 id aisle is the 
 h. wbat a beau- 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 275 
 
 the salt of salvatWrom rti7?ff '■«««V">g 
 herds, no one of Xchwt/f ?' ^'P" 
 and cleaner than anoXtnd *S^' ^v'" 
 their noses and quenoW' !?''.''" ?ooling 
 the same refreshing, .T^^ *""" *>"-st8 at 
 let of love Md go^od tair'"°"'"P"™- 
 wethers, and ramf Me "S"'o'"?^' 
 
 thread of KS I S ^V '^""^'^ 
 about Tf f inic +r j^^® " can be brought 
 »4'r„a^'r^^^^ .-de%f 
 
 differentpSs oS = ^^""g tl»ose of 
 among afl socStL ti k=^ '*"/ p-ofessions ; 
 amonf the S'^^'/lf^nd associations 
 thepWfam%^t"l,'^l°r'*'>?."«''and 
 
 the poor- amnr^^rT^ iT"" ^'''''' ^^^ rich and 
 
 mds an^ h^a'^T: ::'v ^•y ''^^^ "^^it- 
 
 ticularly .^^„« ,^j,^^^ ^^^ ,.,,^ ^_ ., . ^- 
 JGg of hands and hearts" a-^' f"^' "'"'' "^'^" 
 
27(j 
 
 DOW'a PATENT SERMOXS. 
 
 
 
 0> n.^ 
 
 i-' 
 
 ,„'1 
 1,21 
 
 kind of union that would make my soul 
 purr like a kitten to see more fully mani- 
 fested. All you young brothers and sisters 
 who are outside the gate to the garden of 
 connubial bliss, and fain would enter, come 
 up, and I will give you tickets to pass, at 
 the rate of twelve shillings the couple. 
 Come up to the altar, and be fixed off for 
 only twelve shillings! I want to make 
 every one as happy as possible ; therefore, 
 come up, and receive ten thousand dollars' 
 worth of happiness for o^ly twelve shil- 
 lings! Come and have the knot tied, tighter 
 and cheaper than anywhere else ! What ! 
 none come forward ? Yes, a solitary couple. 
 Well, I marry you upon my patent prin- 
 ciple, * Do you take one another for bet- 
 ter or worse?' ' We do.' Then I pronounce 
 you two 'one of 'em.' As you are rather 
 of a small pair, I shall charge you but ten 
 shillings and sixpence— go, and be happy !' 
 Now, my unmarried hearers, I hope and 
 trust that, ere another week shall have roll- 
 ed around, many of you will have made 
 up your minds to strengthen the bonds of 
 union in general, by uniting one with ano- 
 ther, thereby securing perpetual bliss to 
 yourselves, and— twelve shillings to me. So 
 mote it be ! 
 
 1 
 
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 i 
 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 277 
 
 ON THE LANGUAGE OF . i^OWERS. 
 
 Text— Tliough no word may he spoken 
 
 My welfare to tell, * 
 
 When I send thee a token 
 
 Decipher it well ; ' 
 
 In my desolate hours 
 
 My solace shall be, 
 In the language of flowers 
 
 To whisper to thee. 
 
 My faithful Hearers : I 'spose you 
 know well enough that there Le more 
 languages on the face of the globe than 
 you can shake a stick at, or cypher up on 
 a slate m a dog's age. There are.all kinds 
 of gibberish, from Cherokee up to Chaldee 
 -but I consider the old English the best 
 ofany agomg; because it is just as plain 
 asA, if O— so plain that he who runs 
 may read and know exactly what it means. 
 hiri^{.^'*-^?l^"^«^' is mere geese-gab- 
 wh^ if^V^^l^''' google-google. Those 
 who talk It can't make each other under- 
 stand, 'Without a wrigging about, and bob- 
 bing up and down of heads, just as the 
 geese do. But they contrive to get a W 
 some how or other-so. they may talk 
 I'urkey, Tonga-wanga or low Dutch, for 
 cmghtlcare. Between you and me, and 
 the lamp post, my friends-tonm.es are 
 not always necessary to express and con- 
 Iv74 ?f* T^^^^V'^ [assuage in almost 
 eveiy thing, m the heavens above, the 
 
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 (716) 872-4503 
 
 
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 278 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 earth "beneath, and the place down below 
 —-excepting in shell-fish and saw-dust pud- 
 ding. The birds, beasts, and insects, all 
 understand each other, like bedfellows. 
 The Naiades prattle in the brooks — old 
 Neptune grumbles on the ocean — Diana 
 sings in the woods — and Flora, the fair 
 mistress of flowers, teaches her blooming 
 children to converse with man in a mysteri- 
 ous language, but plain enough to be un- 
 derstood by those who will lend an ear to 
 their silent eloquence. Yes, my hearers, 
 every flower has a sentiment to impart ; 
 and if you'll keep awake long enough, I'll 
 particularize a little. 
 
 The rose speaks of beauty — it is called 
 the Queen of Flowers— (not Queen Victoria 
 — she's a pond-lilly, surrounded by bull 
 frogs and water-lizards) — it blooms and 
 looks lovely but for a short time — its blush- 
 ing petals soon fade, and the rough winds 
 scatter them abroad — telling that beauty 
 is evanescent, and won't stand as some 
 girls are all stuck round with pins — cau- 
 tioning the embracers of beauty to look 
 well, or they may get scratched a few. The 
 myrtle is always full of hope and expecta- 
 tion — it keeps green, and never turns pale 
 with disappointment. When a young man 
 sends a myrtle to his sweetheart, she has 
 a right to expect a visit from him in- 
 stanter; because the vegetable can't lie. 
 The jasmine is a pretty little flower. 
 
SRMONS. 
 
 ice down below 
 Qd saw-dust pud- 
 and insects, all 
 like bedfellows, 
 the brooks — old 
 e ocean — Diana 
 
 Flora, the fair 
 s her blooming 
 nan in a mysteri- 
 lough to be un- 
 
 lend an ear to 
 5S, my hearers, 
 ent to impart ; 
 ng enough, I'll 
 
 ity— it is called 
 b Queen Victoria 
 ounded by bull 
 -it blooms and 
 time — its blush- 
 he rough winds 
 ng that beauty 
 stand as some 
 with pins — cau- 
 beauty to look 
 ched a few. The 
 ►e and expecta- 
 aever turns pale 
 en a young man 
 ^etheart, she has 
 t from him iu- 
 tahle can't lie. 
 y little flower. 
 
 DOW S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 279 
 
 and I hope my young female hearers 
 will heed its moral. It is an emblem 
 of simplicity ; and shows that a girl's 
 heart, free from guile — not too fond of set- 
 ting traps — is the corner-stone of beauty. 
 It braves the storms of winter, as an art- 
 less heart does the blasts of adversity and 
 ill-luck. The hollyhock is ambition itself 
 — its blossoms seem to strive for the as- 
 cendancy on the parent stem ; and those 
 nearest the top have the toughest time of 
 it in the gale. People generally don't know 
 how cold it is on the top of Mount Am- 
 bition. The yellow day-lily represents 
 coquetry, because its flowers don't last over 
 a day. So it is with all coquettes — they 
 have their day, as well as dogs ; and the 
 dogs of it is, they am't worth a tinker's 
 dog when they are in full blossom. The 
 tulip is the posie for lovers. It is always 
 used as a declaration of affection. When 
 I first saw my wife, (that was,) I didn't tell 
 her right out that I loved her ; so I sent 
 her a tulip, and it did the thing, just like a 
 knife — she knew what it meant. Madder, 
 my fidends, is a true emblem of calumny 
 — its leaves make a stain that won't wash 
 out with soap-suds and potash. I advise 
 you to talk with this flower, and never 
 backbite your neighbors — for the marks 
 left, where their backs are bitten, will al- 
 wnys remain. The lilac means forsaken. 
 When a beau don't intend to let his affec» 
 
280 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
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 tions hang on any Wer, ho should send 
 us girl a lilac, and slie'll know directly 
 that ho means to be o-p-h, like a pot lid 
 I must call the attention of some of niv 
 hearers to one particular llower-and 
 that's the sun-flower. It is a picture f 
 brass-faceitiveness. It can look at the sun 
 without blushing, and stare the moon out 
 of countenance-it carries its head alto- 
 gether too UL^h, and has nothing to recom- 
 mend It but tie black seeds of impudenJit 
 I could tell you lots more about the Ian-" 
 gua-ge of flowers; but pay attention to 
 What 1 have given— converse with them 
 otten, and compare their sentiments with 
 those that have taken root in your hearts. 
 Let no madder, sun-flowers, night-shade 
 pig-weed and such like vetetables, fiid a 
 genial soil m your bosoms-if they already 
 have, hoe them out immediately, for they 
 will overrun the whole moral elrden and 
 prevent fair Virtue's flowers fi^om pu^^^^^ 
 iorth a single bud. ^uutm^ 
 
 There is a little flower, called the violet, 
 that young ladies should profit by. It in^ 
 dicates modesty, and, to my notion, is the 
 prettiest child of the whofe floral 'fami^! 
 lo see it lymg in its grassy cradle, looking 
 up so lovely, and with a dewy tear-drop 
 resting m Its blue eye. is enough to gi^? 
 onethekiss-distemper! I flatte? myself I 
 see a great many violets among my con- 
 gregation. I saw lots of artiticiSl ones last 
 
3RM0NS. 
 
 ho should send 
 1 know directly 
 , like a pot lid. 
 of some of my 
 tir llower— and 
 is a picture of 
 look at the sun 
 t) the moon out 
 its head alto- 
 >thing to reconi- 
 s of impudence! 
 about the lan- 
 ty attention to 
 Tse with them 
 entiments with 
 in your hearts. 
 s, night-shade, 
 tetables, find a 
 -if they already 
 ately, for they 
 al garden, and 
 8 from putting 
 
 lied the violet, 
 ofit by. It in- 
 notion, is the 
 > floral family, 
 cradle, looking 
 ewy tear-drop 
 aough to give 
 atter myself I 
 oong my con- 
 ificial ones last 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 281 
 
 night, going up and down Broadway. I 
 knew such fiowers as they wern't genuine 
 as quick as I smelt them!^ But, my heams' 
 It matters not what kind of vegetation you 
 are ; you will all soon be cut down W ^the 
 ficythe of Time. You don't flourish Vn' 
 before you arp lopped off. It has b^eS 
 truly said tha, you spring up like a hopper 
 Si-ass grow like peppergrnss, and arfcut 
 down like sparrowgrass. Think of hose 
 things and be prepared for a final S 
 happy transplantation to that land whc^'e 
 buds of p^,,ty ,iono can blossom. So mote 
 
 WOMAN-HER POWER. 
 
 TEXT.-Oh woman, woman, woman ; all the gods 
 Ilave not such power of doinjr good to men 
 As you of doing harm !-Du yoen. 
 
 My Hearers : there is no doubt but Wo- 
 man brings as much wo and wretchedness 
 Wn as does that root of all evil, money 
 We ot the opposite gender quarrel, fight 
 nnd toil for both, and by both not unfre- 
 iTavete -^^demisei-able. I would no'fc 
 rtf r^n tT P'''' '^^ ^^ ^y audience sua- 
 a umT^^ behevmg that they do, taken in 
 
 that they have the power of making more 
 mischief among us weak an errinfrns 
 of sin than ever had Satan when he wr^l! 
 
 r'iJi!! 
 
282 
 
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 ■-! 
 •jS IS-.;- ; 
 
 
 
 111.. 
 
 : j' : U 
 
 ; i 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 lowed to wander at will up and down tlie 
 eai-th in search of those whom ho might 
 feel disposed to devour. It was woman 
 that first ate of the apple of sin in Eden, 
 and caused man to partake of the same— 
 whereby deviltry, death and damnation 
 came like a disease upon the world, which 
 has now assumed such a chronic form as 
 to defy either preaching or any moral pur- 
 gative that can be administered. When 
 our first paternal parent was soundly sleep- 
 ing in Paradise, amid the fresh-blown 
 roses of peace, Heaven stole a portion of 
 his finer but superfluous material to fit up 
 a woman ; but had he been wide awake at 
 the time, instead of napping, and could he 
 have fore-known the misery that she after- 
 ward brought upon him, he never would 
 have consented to the operation that was 
 performed upon him. 
 
 My friends : Woman is the fountain of 
 all human frailty. Were it not for her, we 
 should exhibit moral might and strength, 
 where now we show nothing but weakness. 
 She draws from us the life-sustaining sap 
 of virtuous resolution— encourages our am- 
 bition beyond its proper point— she is 
 the bane of empire and the root of power- 
 causes mischiefs, murders, massacres ; and 
 damns us fiister than Providence can save. 
 Allow me to ask, with my old friend Otway, 
 what ills might not have been done by wo- 
 mtm ? Who was it that betrayed the capi- 
 
3EM0NS. 
 
 and down tlie 
 i'liom ho might 
 It was woman 
 ►f sin in Eden, 
 1 of the same — 
 md damnation 
 le world, which 
 hronic form as 
 any moral pur- 
 istered. When 
 s soundly slcep- 
 bie fresh-blown 
 le a portion of 
 aterial to fit up 
 I wide awake at 
 g, and could he 
 Y that she after- 
 le never would 
 ation that was 
 
 he fountain of 
 b not for her, we 
 ; and strength, 
 g but weakness, 
 sustaining sap 
 >uragesouram- 
 point — she is 
 root of power — 
 massacres ; and 
 dence can save, 
 d friend Otwny, 
 ien done by wo- 
 myed the capi- 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 283 
 
 tol ? A woman ! Who was the cause of a 
 ong ten years' war. that laid old Troy a? 
 
 Anf o^ ""'^r I .^ ^^^^'^ • Who lost X?c 
 Antony, what he termed, the world ? A wo? 
 
 ^fffi ll- ^i'*'/''' ^ woman-the same de- 
 ceitful kind of a creature that was at first 
 
 Toved hi?b^. "' ' ^^''^^^ andafterwai^s 
 proved his bane. There was a time when 
 
 Innocence and Love slept as sweetly to^ 
 gether, beneath a heaven-built bower of 
 bliss, as a twin pair of babes in a cmdle- 
 but woman led them astray ; and now they 
 no longer go hand in hand but w3 
 sditary and alone over the sterile plains of 
 vice and licentiousness. Woman,^ always 
 m quest of some new adventure, 'saw tto 
 devil-cnanged her love-inclined her soul 
 to his temptations-and, for the sake of a 
 wormy pippm brought enough wo and 
 misery upon all mankind to create a yel- 
 low fever m the coldest corner of eternity. 
 My hearers : Woman sometimes sows 
 the seeds of sorrow among our flowers of 
 joy, and sticks pms through our trowsera 
 when we suspect she only intends to tickle. 
 She coaxes us with her smiles, and leads 
 us astray by her arts; and Vei, after all 
 we must acknowledge that tlfe Weakness is 
 ours and the power is hers. The feminine 
 race of mortals appear to be govorned by 
 an absolute and stubborn fate. There is no 
 removing the land-marks of their love ; and 
 their detestation can be bounded by no ccr- 
 
jV 
 
 M-.^ 
 
 
 
 3 
 
 
 «,»,' 
 
 ^f.-..! 
 
 U5 
 
 »' ! :,vi 
 
 284 DOW'S PATKNT SERMOXS. 
 
 tnin limits. When tliev love, they love 
 with a looseness; and when they hate, it is 
 entirely on the high pressure principle. 
 When a female has her affections once fair- 
 ly fastened upon a man, you can no more 
 detach them by pc'rauasion than you can 
 coax a couple of angry bull- dogs from each 
 other, witli a slice of raw beef. Tlie wo- 
 men have beauty and pride, wliich makes 
 mankind their slaves ; and nothing, save 
 the soft soap of flattery, can induce them 
 to unloose the fetters from one poor mor- 
 tal and bind them upon another. Pour out 
 a few drops of praise upon woman from 
 your vials of admiration, and the apparent 
 ossification of her heart is immediately re- 
 duced to the consistency of calf's head jel- 
 ly : for there is no mistake but the 
 thoughtless sex are oftentimes caught by 
 empty noise, despite their pretensions to 
 almost absolute power in the offices of 
 love. 
 
 My fair feminine hearers : although you 
 possess the power of making a vast deal 
 of mischief among the mass of mankind, I 
 would not, for the world, be so unchari- 
 table as to suppose that you always take 
 advantage of this power, for the purpose of 
 playing the Old Harry with us of the mas- 
 culine gender. You are not to be blamed 
 for your beauty, nor censured for those at- 
 tractions over which you have no control. 
 If a moth flutters around the alluring blaze 
 
RMOXS. 
 
 ove, tliey love 
 
 they hate, it is 
 sure principle. 
 Jtions once liiir- 
 1 can no more 
 
 than you can 
 (logs from each 
 )cef. The wo- 
 , which makes 
 
 nothing, save 
 1 induce them 
 :)ne poor mor- 
 >ther. Pour out 
 I woman from 
 d the apparent 
 tn mediately re- 
 calf's head jel- 
 take but the 
 lies caught by 
 pretensions to 
 
 the offices of 
 
 ; although you 
 g a vast deal 
 of mankind, I 
 bo so uuchari- 
 1 always take 
 the purpose of 
 us of the mas- 
 : to be blamed 
 ed for those at- 
 ■ve no control. 
 3 alluring blaze 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 285 
 
 of a cnndle, and scorches its wings, it is all 
 owing to Its indiscretion, and no fault wlui t- 
 ever can be attached to the fatal lire by 
 which It dies. Nature made you. my dear 
 lem.'iles, to temper man-to soothe tlie 
 asperities of his nature, which is as rough 
 astheback ofa hog, when manipulated 
 from the tail headward— and so long as you 
 scatter roses among our daily walks I for 
 one, won't grumble if a few thorns of wo 
 are concealed beneath tlie bright blossoms 
 ol love. Without you we evidently should 
 iiave been brutes, caring for nothing save 
 the sensual enjoyment of the present, and 
 as utterly regardless of the future as a rat. 
 nibbling at the bait of a steel-trap. Angels 
 it 18 said, are painted fair to look like you • 
 for m you we fancy that we behold all 
 brightness, all purity, all truth, eternal ioy 
 and everlasting love— notwithstanding we 
 sometimes get deceived, and afterwards 
 detest the very name of Woman. You are 
 the last and very best reserve of God; but 
 when vor -noral characters become stain- 
 ed with sm, and bespotted with vice, you 
 are looked upon as the most loathsome of 
 reptiles that cast their slime upon the fair 
 surtace of the earth. Your power for do- 
 ing either harm or good remains with you 
 so long as Virtue is your aid and protec- 
 tress, and no longer. You can make mis- 
 chief among men by causing them to fight, 
 bleed and die for you, while your inclma- 
 
</'% 
 
 **''^ 
 »*•••# 
 
 
 28() DOW'a I'ATIONT SERMONS. 
 
 tionsaro virtuous and your jictionH nro 
 oxouiplary ; l)ut, mh hoou as your ruddt-rs of 
 virtue are lo.st from tlio stonia of your frail 
 vcsaols, you arc loft to tho inoroy of tlic 
 winds and the wavos ; and, with all your 
 falao show, falao colora, and doubtful bIj;- 
 iiala of distrcas, no ono will doiyn to assist 
 you. 
 
 Let your attractions l)o inward as well 
 as outward, my younj^ fomak's— wear no 
 paint upon your checks— no artificiid 
 smiles upon your features— carry no dis- 
 semblance in your hearts— and then if you 
 are the cause of harm amoner men, the 
 weakness is theirs, and to you belongs tho 
 glory of being possessed of such lovely 
 attributes as to command the respect and 
 the admiration of the world. So mote it be ! 
 
 ON PATIENCE. 
 
 Text.— There's not a virtue in the bosom lives 
 
 That gives such ready pay as patience gives. 
 
 My Hearers: There can be no qM>^tion 
 but it would be better for most of Ou did 
 you possess in a greater degree a "certain 
 asinme virtue, called patience. It would 
 be much to your gain and glory, for you 
 to make jack-asses of yourselves in this 
 respect. The ass that patiently bears his 
 burden, from day to day, feels far more at 
 
 
:rmons. 
 
 nir jictionH aro 
 your nuldci'Hof 
 1118 ofyourfniil 
 13 iwevcy of tilt) 
 
 with all your 
 d doubtful sii,'- 
 
 deign to assist 
 
 inward as well 
 Hides — wciir no 
 5— no tti'tificial 
 -carry no dis- 
 and then if you 
 uon^ men, the 
 ^ou belongs the 
 of such lovely 
 ho respect and 
 So mote it be ! 
 
 e bosom lives 
 y^ as patience gives. 
 
 le no €!^^^^tion 
 lost ofvoudid 
 grce a certain 
 JfCE. It would 
 ?lory, for you 
 'selves in this 
 ntly bears his 
 3ls far more at 
 
 DOW'a I'ATKNT SKRMONS. 287 
 
 and 
 
 !h better offtlum th 
 
 case, 
 
 tleHoiiK! eolt that kicks for a whil<» in tlio 
 traces, bruises its own heels, and has to 
 submit, after all, to the will ol the wagj,'on- 
 er. It is kiKnvii to you all, Ixdoved friendn, 
 that the cat, by patient sittiuL,' and watcli- 
 ini;^, is almost certain to catch tlie mouse; 
 but the hound that hurries alter the hare', 
 worries and fatigues himself oftentimes iii 
 vain. That paradise of happiness for which 
 wo are all seeking is hedged in, and sur- 
 rounded by, thorns; .'ind he that endea- 
 vors to rush rashly through them, is sure 
 to be wounded and impeded in his progress 
 — but the one that picks his way patiently 
 escapes unscratched, and unexpectedly 
 finds himself in the elysiura of the blest. 
 Oh, patience can accomplish more than 
 mortals dream of! No great design was 
 ever snatched at once. The ingenious nest 
 must first be built— the e^g must then bo 
 laid— and patience must sit upon it till the 
 chicken is hatched. Rome, that wasn't 
 built in a day, still lifts her exalted head, 
 an everlasting monument of patience:— 
 and if all unmarried people who now sit 
 wriggling in their chairs or lie tossing in 
 their beds, impatient to get a taste of tho 
 sweets of matrimony, would quietly wait 
 their time, genuine happiness would bo 
 more likely to attend them in the event. 
 
 My friends: ancient Job was smitten 
 with sore biles, from the crown of his head 
 
283 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 ■ .A 
 
 Of 
 
 ' i 
 
 
 ij'i; 
 
 y 
 
 «S"J3» 
 
 to the sole of his foot; but, instead of 
 cursing God and dying, he was enabled, 
 by patienc€, to sing in liis sufferings, even 
 as a tea-kettle singeth with its bottom upon 
 the burning coals. Adam exhibited much 
 l)atience ere he found a wife to cheer him ; 
 and a great deal more, after he got a wife 
 to vex him. It was through patience that 
 Elisha dwelt so long by the brook in the 
 wilderness, dependent upon precarious 
 crows for his food. Patience caused the 
 seven years' pasturage of Nebuchadnezzar 
 to appear but so many months. Patience, 
 amalgamated with an implicit trust in 
 Providence, kept Jonah alive in the whale's 
 bell^ : — and it is only by the most en- 
 durmg patience, my friends, that I con- 
 tinue, from year to year, to sow the seeds 
 of moral advice upon every sort of soil, for 
 the sake of seeing a few green blades spring 
 up amid the burning sands of iniquity. 
 As * constant di'opping will wear away 
 stones,' so I mean to keep patiently pouring 
 the oil of instruction upon your adamantine 
 hearts, till they become as soft as putty, 
 and as absorbing asi sponge. 
 
 My dear hearers : there are three things 
 that no moral, christian or natural philoso- 
 pher can put up with, with any degree of 
 patience — namely : an excruciating tooth- 
 ache, a loquacious bore, and a scolding 
 wife. Of these evils there is no least to be 
 chosen ; and he that is afflicted with either 
 
[IMONS. 
 
 but, instead of 
 le was enabled, 
 sufferings, even 
 its bottom upon 
 exhibited much 
 3 to cheer him ; 
 L»r he got a wife 
 li patience that 
 le brook in the 
 on precarious 
 ice caused the 
 [ebuchadnezzar 
 ths. Patience, 
 phcit trust in 
 e in the whale's 
 the most en- 
 ds, that I con- 
 ► sow the seeds 
 sort of soil, for 
 n blades spring 
 :l8 of iniquity, 
 ill wear away 
 tiently pouring 
 )ur adamantine 
 3 soft as putty, 
 
 re three things 
 latural philoso- 
 any degree of 
 uciating tooth- 
 nd a scolding 
 3 no least to be 
 ted with either 
 
 DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 289 
 
 of them is certainly an object of pity but 
 most of the trials, Vexations anitroibles 
 that attend us in life can be overcome by 
 patience, proper perseverance, and a firm 
 reliance upon the protecting care of Prov^ 
 dence A too eager eagerness for thinea 
 desirable and tempting is the cause of half 
 your misery. Like foolish rats and mice 
 you enter the trap-cage and nibble at the 
 cheese of tcmptatfon. without first consult! 
 
 wiU-o. the- wisps of pleasure, even to the 
 centre of the swamps of destruction~yoS 
 ^u^Z ^f P ^""^ dangerous waters for the 
 pui pose of grasping at imaginary bubbles • 
 and sometimes give Satan a^mortgage upon 
 doLs.^ '^^'*^' '^"^^^ few hlinfed 
 
 fT,^^^"!''^^!*. ^? ^^ ^^''^^»^ patience from 
 the beasts birds, insects and reptile^ 
 They are always content with what llature 
 provides for them to-day, and care less of 
 to-morrow's fare. Their wants are few and 
 
 mortals are never satisfied with a suffici. 
 eiicy. Give you enough to eat, drink and 
 
 cTn'affrr^^^^ ^^"^^^*« that the woHd 
 can afford-and you still have an eternal 
 
 sn'r^pJ^-'^'^'i^^^"^' ^^^'y' Pi-aise, riches or 
 something else equally pofsonous to pean« 
 
 and iiuppmess. Instead of making your- 
 selves uneasy m the anticipation of richer 
 enjoyments yet to come, you ought Jo be 
 
290 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 J ! • 
 
 VI '■ '• 
 
 i ! 
 
 \yk» 
 
 ¥ 
 
 V 
 
 
 ii i 
 
 satisfied with the repast of the present — 
 but don't dip in too deeply. If you drink 
 from the cup of pleasure till you become 
 intoxicated, all present hilarity is sure to 
 be soon turned into the saddest of melan- 
 choly. If you do nothing but sip at the 
 Bweets of the world, a sickening sensation 
 around the heart soon ensues, and you feel 
 far worse than you would had you par- 
 taken prudently of the dainties which Hea- 
 ven supplies. In the morning of ^ ith 
 you breakfast upon hope — take strong cups 
 of the hot coffee of enthusiasm, sweetened 
 with the sugar of incipient love, and seem 
 to enjoy the feast like juvenile gods revel- 
 ling amid ambrosial sweets — but you in- 
 dulge with too much freedom altogether. 
 At the mid-day of manhood your fare is 
 more substantial. On the table you find 
 the corned beef of care — the mustard of 
 misery — offensive onions of avarice, and a 
 small quantity, indeed, of the true butter 
 of benevolence. You eat and get your fill, 
 and. then you go away complaining of in- 
 digestion and the wickedness of the world. 
 In old age you sup upon sorrow, and la- 
 ment that your appetites have gone, and 
 that you have lost all relish for earthly en- 
 joyments. Thus you go forward, from the 
 cradle to the grave, disdaining all plain but 
 proper food, till it is too late for you ever 
 to enjoy it ; but if you will now make up 
 your minds to live upon plain mutton and 
 
lEBMONS. 
 
 of the present — 
 )ly. If you drink 
 3 till you become 
 bilavity is sure to 
 maddest ofmelan- 
 ^ but 8ip at the 
 kening sensation 
 sues, and you feel 
 uld had you par- 
 linties which Hea- 
 lorning of ^ ith 
 -take strong cups 
 isiasm, sweetened 
 it love, and seem 
 venile gods revel- 
 eets — but you in- 
 eedom altogether, 
 lood your fare is 
 he table you find 
 —the mustard of 
 
 of avarice, and a 
 3f the true butter 
 b and get your fill, 
 omplaining of in- 
 iness of the world. 
 >n sorrow, and la- 
 es have gone, and 
 ish for earthly en- 
 forward, from the 
 ining all plain but 
 
 late for you ever 
 ivill now make up 
 plain mutton and 
 
 bow's patent sermons. 291 
 
 morality—the unseasoned soup of sobriety 
 -and dnnk nothing but the pure water of 
 wisdom, and have patience to put up with 
 
 tv Hfi^"'.^'''f ^ annoyances, you will en- 
 joy life s treat in a manner that becomes 
 the rational portion of the Almigh^s 
 creation; and, at last, go down to the^grave 
 uncorrupted in body and undisea^ed in 
 spirit. So mote it be ! 
 
 INDEPENDEI^OE. 
 
 Text — Independence is the thin'' 
 
 And we're the boys to boast on't. 
 
 My Hearers : Next Thr-rsday is the birth- 
 dajr of American Libe-ty-the day upon 
 which our star-spangled banner first wav- 
 ed in the fair breeze of Freedom-the day 
 that the proud eagle of the mountain first 
 ooked down from his eyry on a free and 
 ndependent nation-the day upon which 
 the fat, ragged and saucy children of Co- 
 lumbia, broke loose from the apron strings 
 of their mother country, and kicked up 
 their heels forjoy, like so many colts re^ 
 leased from the bondage of winter's con- 
 
 tTTu 7r ^"°^*' ^" *^i« occasion, to 
 be as full of glory as a gin bottle, that this 
 blessed anniversary is about once more to 
 
 inTJl''^.^'' ^"""i'' \^^^^' ^°d fi"d you reap, 
 mg the harvest of those blessings which 
 
 Jill 
 
292 
 
 row's PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 i;;M«i 
 
 'v% 
 
 vl't 
 
 
 nil 
 
 r 5': ;s 
 
 your fathers sowed in revolutionary soil — 
 watered with their own blood and manured 
 with their own ashes. Yes, you ought to 
 throw up your caps, and make the halls 
 of Freedom ring with loud huzzas ; and 
 then sit down and meditate on the groans 
 and the pains of travail which attended 
 this mighty Republic during the delivery 
 of the first born— Liberty. 
 
 My friends : next Thursday the celebra- 
 tion will take place. Then the whole nation 
 will be alive, like a beggar's shirt; there 
 will be a general stirring up of the genus 
 homo from one end of the nation to the 
 other. The fires of enthusiasm will be 
 kindled in every breast; and many of those 
 who lack in patriotic glory, will doubt- 
 less supply themselves with the ar- 
 ticle at the booths round the Park. But, 
 my dear friends, this sixpenny patriotism 
 is most horrible stuff, it is patriotism of the 
 head and not of the heart. It makes you 
 feel too independent altogether. It induces 
 you to fight m times of peace, and takes all 
 the starch out of your courage in times of 
 war. While this artificial patriotism is ef- 
 fervescing in your cocoa-nuts, your boasts 
 of independence are loud and clamorous: 
 but when its spirit has evaporated, you are 
 the veriest serviles that ever writhed un- 
 der the lash of despotism. If you suppose, 
 my friends, that the proper way to observe 
 our national independence is by drinking 
 
lEEMONS. 
 
 Dliitionary soil — 
 ood and manured 
 3s, you ought to 
 
 make the halls 
 Lid huzzas; and 
 be on the groans 
 
 which attended 
 ing the delivery 
 Y. 
 
 sday the celebra- 
 , the whole nation 
 ir's shirt; there 
 up of the genus 
 le nation to the 
 husiasm will be 
 md many of those 
 )ry, will doubt- 
 with the ar- 
 the Park. But, 
 [)enny patriotism 
 
 patriotism of the 
 . It makes you 
 jether. It induces 
 jace, and takes all 
 irage in times of 
 I patriotism is ef- 
 auts, your boasts 
 . and clamorous: 
 ^aporated, you are 
 ever writhed un- 
 . If you suppose, 
 er way to observe 
 e is by drinking 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 293 
 
 brandy slings and gin cocktails, you are 
 just as much mistaken as the boy was who 
 set a bear trap to catch bed-bugs. But I 
 see there is very little use in scattering the 
 seeds of good advice upon such barren soil 
 as the bosoms of many now present. It is 
 just about as easy to preach salvation into 
 a basket of stinking fi<3h as to turn them 
 from the error of their ways. 
 
 My friends : while you are citizens of a 
 free and independent repubHc, you should 
 always let independence be your boast, but 
 never forget the price at which it was pur- 
 chased. It cost Uncle Samuel somethinff 
 more than mere powder and shot. It cost 
 him some of the most precious blood that 
 ever coursed through the veino of mortality • 
 and the bones of martyred heroes that now 
 lie crumblmgm their sepulchres, or bleach- 
 mgupon the battle-field, are the melan- 
 choly memoranda of the price at which our 
 hberty was purchased. They offered them- 
 selves up as sacrifices upon their country's 
 altar, in order that you and your children's 
 children might live in clover, and feastupon 
 the rich fruits of freedom, to the stomach's 
 and heart s content. Will you then, my 
 friends, break into the enclosures of the 
 dead, and hold drunken carousals upon the 
 grajes of your fathers who fought, bled and 
 died m defence of your dearest rights ? No 
 —I am perfectly well convinced that most 
 of you won t do any such thing; but, on 
 
294 
 
 row's PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 
 iit;i 
 
 
 i 
 
 :i 
 
 0Z 
 
 
 S1^ 
 
 H 
 
 
 the contrary, you will behave yourselves as 
 men, patriots, christians, and gentlemen 
 should; and not like soaplocks and rowdies, 
 who would glory to deflower even the god- 
 dess of Liberty herself, in her own sacred 
 temple. I know there will be some who 
 declare themselves free and independent of 
 all moral law, restraint, order and decency 
 — who will be so carried away with brandy 
 and enthusiasm that it will take a whole 
 week for them to gather up their scattered 
 fragments of ideas, and return again to the 
 homestead of common sense and reason. 
 
 My dear hearers : I like to hear you boast 
 of your independence, if it be not done in a 
 vain and bragadocial spirit ; and my gra- 
 tuitous prayer is, that you may maintain it 
 80 long a'', you are permitted to squat on this 
 side of the deep, still river of death. To 
 preserve your collective strength, your 
 heart, your feelings, and your pure sym- 
 pathies must be all joined together, like 
 the links of a log chain. You must all 
 hang together like a string of fish, and 
 stick to one another, through thick and 
 thin, like a bunch of burdocks in a bell- 
 wether's fleece. Remember, my friends, 
 that, with all your boasted independence, 
 you are pooi", weak, miserable, dependent 
 beings. That same Almighty hand which 
 
 Erovides you with soup and shirts, beef and 
 reeches, can take them all from you in a 
 little less than a short space of time, and 
 
RMONS. 
 
 ve yourselves aa 
 and gentlemen 
 jks and rowdies, 
 ?r even the god- 
 her own sacred 
 i be some who 
 I independent of 
 ler and decency 
 ray with brandy 
 il take a whole 
 ► their scattered 
 urn again to the 
 e and reason. 
 :> hear you boast 
 be not done in a 
 ; and my gra- 
 aiay maintain it 
 . to squat on this 
 
 of death. To 
 
 strength, your 
 
 our pure sym- 
 
 l together, like 
 
 You must all 
 ag of fish, and 
 »ugh thick and 
 )cks in a hell- 
 er, my friends, 
 i independence, 
 ible, dependent 
 hty hand which 
 shirts, beef and 
 I from you in a 
 ce of time, and 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 295 
 
 leave you as naked as an apple tree in 
 winter. Yes, my friends, you must recol- 
 lect that you are dependent as well aa in- 
 dependent; and that all the favors you 
 receive are donations from Heaven, brought 
 down by angels of mercy, and distiibuted 
 impartially among the grabbing, snatch- 
 mg and thieving sons of sin. So mote it be ! 
 N. B. — We, that is the mayor, common 
 council and myself, have thought it well 
 not to have any booths round the Park 
 next Thursday— not that they have been 
 the cause of disturbance and riot, but there 
 is no knowing that they might be ; and 
 therefore we consider it advisable to re- 
 sort to precautionary measures. You can 
 get your inner man refreshed and replen- 
 ished at those public houses where your 
 money is wanted more than at the booths. 
 
 A FLEETING WORLD. 
 
 Text.— I've been thinking, I've been thinking 
 What a fleeting world this is. 
 
 My Hearers : In this fleeting world, what- 
 ever comes must shortly go — disappear like 
 barn-swallows at the latter end of summer. 
 As Brother Bowshin once truly remarked, 
 What's here to-morrow is gone yesterday. 
 Time halloas * shoo !' to the whole living 
 

 
 I i 
 
 
 
 ta »' 
 
 "298 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 flock, and away they scamper out of the 
 liowery vale of youth, up the green hill- 
 sides of maturity, to the semi-barren high, 
 lands of age, and push on, like so many 
 buffaloes, for the fearful precipice ! Poor 
 Mortality !— doomed to drudgery, disap- 
 pointment and death— sits down as soon as 
 she can see to thread a needle, and makes 
 herself a shroud. She sews assiduously, but 
 the shades of evening begin to gather ere 
 the last stitch is taken. And you, brethren 
 whereabouts do you stand, between the be- 
 ginning and the endP You may think it a 
 great way from one extremity of existence 
 to the other ; but O, ye victims of a wretch- 
 ed optical illusion ! let me tell you, that if 
 you were now to strip, preparatory to an 
 eternal sleep, you could stand exactly where 
 you are, and with one hand toss your boots 
 into your cradle, while with the other you 
 hung your hat upon your grave stone. 
 Verily, life is so short that any middle-aged 
 tobacco-chewer might easily lay his quid 
 upon the tomb, and turn round and spit 
 upon the step-stone to the door of being. 
 
 My friends: Hope and Memory are both 
 lying jades. One tells you that your life 
 has an amazingly long tail, tapering to a 
 point like a spmdle; and the other would 
 tarn make you believe that you are yet 
 scarcely a toad's-hop from the suburbs of 
 childhood. Believe them not, for they are 
 gay deceivers. Hope erects a ladder, like 
 
3RM0NS. 
 
 nper out of the 
 ► the green hill- 
 smi-barren high- 
 1, like so many 
 precipice! Poor 
 j-ndgery, disap- 
 J down as soon as 
 edle, and makes 
 
 assiduously, but 
 n to gather ere 
 id you, brethren, 
 
 between the be- 
 1 may think it a 
 lity of existence 
 iims of a wretch- 
 tell you, that if 
 paratory to an 
 id exactly where 
 
 toss your boots 
 1 the other you 
 ir grave stone, 
 tny middle-aged 
 ly lay his quid 
 •ound and spit 
 3oor of being, 
 [emory are both 
 
 that your life 
 
 tapering to a 
 lie other would 
 at you are yet 
 bhe suburbs of 
 ot, for they are 
 3 a ladder, like 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 297 
 
 that in the patriarch's dream, with its foot 
 upon earth and the top resting against the 
 cornice of heaven. Accompanied by angels 
 you begin to ascend it ; but, ere the middle 
 
 I round be reached, the bottom slips, and 
 down you come ker-flummux. The angels 
 take care of themselves. And thus you are 
 deceived in relation to the length, breadth 
 and prospects to your earthly existence. 
 Poor insects of an hour ! elated with hope, 
 puffed .vith pride, and spurred by ambition 
 you scramble about upon the graves of 
 your ancestors for a brief while— then kneel 
 upon your backs, give a convulsive kick or 
 two, and mingle with ancient mould : and 
 then another set of human beings come 
 along, to crawl and scratch among your 
 ashes, with the same careless unconcern 
 that you delved amid the dust of those who 
 lived, and moved, and had a being before 
 you. And you, young blooming daughters 
 ot mortality !— evanescent, ephemeral but- 
 terflies of fortune, fashion and folly'— let 
 your beautiful souls flit and flutter, to-aay 
 upon the spangled pinions, among the 
 flowers of fancy, love and fun, while the 
 morning dews of Might still glitter upon 
 their petals ; for to-morrow your sport is 
 over. Autumnal winds are blowing— hoar- 
 Irosta are falling— your charms are fading 
 -and you must go the way of all butter- 
 flies, and other fleeting emblems of beauty 
 and vanity, Go it, and all ye * g'hals, and 
 

 Urn, 
 ^% 
 
 ■■-• -S9. 
 
 1 #*"^* 
 
 *. 
 !.:! 
 
 / MS3!t 
 
 
 298 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 all ye * b'hoys,' as much as you can while 
 you are young : for, in the narrow circum- 
 ference of youth, there isn't room to go it 
 to any fearful extent, and you don't stay 
 there long enough to do much damage to 
 yourselves nor to posterity. Soon you are 
 out— and then you jog steadily along the 
 plain road of life, as soberly as an old ox, 
 who seems somewhat seriously to moralize 
 as he goes, in memory of the antics and 
 capers that he cut in the green pastures of 
 his calf-hood. Go it, young folks, for Time's 
 going it !— and so am I— with a hitch and 
 a hobble. 
 
 My hearers : this is a fleeting world, and 
 no mistake. The bright visions of youth 
 —how soon they are flown! Thebeauti- 
 ful bubbles of hope— how suddenly they 
 burst ! The hot furnace of love— how soon 
 it grows cold ! The blossoms of friend- 
 ship—how fast they fade ! How swiftly the 
 seasons fly! Hot- whiskey-punch time, 
 shad time, pea time, cucumber time, green- 
 corn time, and apple time, glimmer in 
 blended confusion as we behold them at a 
 glance, like so many spokes in the swift- 
 revolving wheel of the year. Even now, 
 while I am talking, minutes go past me 
 like little killi-fish through a mill-flume ; 
 and these little minutes, my friends, are the 
 sands in the glass of Time. Soon they will 
 cease to run— the lights will be blown out 
 in the hills of the firmament — the embers 
 
EEMONS. 
 
 8 you can while 
 e narrow circum- 
 a't room to go it 
 you don't stay 
 auch damage to 
 y. Soon you are 
 iadily along the 
 ly as an old ox, 
 )usly to moralize 
 the antics and 
 >reen pastures of 
 r folks, for Time's 
 vith a hitch and 
 
 eting world, and 
 visions of youth 
 ^n! Thebeauti- 
 
 V suddenly they 
 ■ love — how soon 
 3soms of friend- 
 How swiftly the 
 ey-punch time, 
 ibcr time, green- 
 tne, glimmer in 
 'ehold them at a 
 ces in the swift- 
 Jar. Even now, 
 tes go past me 
 fh a mill-fiume ; 
 
 Y friends, are the 
 Soon they will 
 
 ill be blown out 
 ut — the embers 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 209 
 
 of life will expire upon the hearth-stone of 
 the heart— and you will all sleep the sleep 
 that knows no terrestrial waking. No 
 wakmg!— no, not even if a heavy debtor 
 were to put a speaking-trumpet to your 
 ear, and bellow loud enough to stun the 
 cherubim, that he had come with the rhino 
 and was ready for a settlement. What is 
 the lotof mortality ?-to bud to bloom, to 
 bloom to fade, to fade to fall, and to fall to 
 
 T" mf SL^'"' „^^ «^«^e supermundane 
 sphere That's all-andit is accomplishing 
 Its destiny with a most wonderful rapidity 
 Look about the visible world and see how 
 transitory--how fleeting-are all sublunary 
 things. The flies, the bees, the bugs, the 
 birds the babies, the spiders' we&, the 
 toadstools, the fogs, the vapors, the smoke, 
 the flowers, the grass, and all such vege- 
 tables, are emblematical of the shortness 
 and uncertainty of human life. They tell 
 you that you are trotting as straight to 
 
 ^ -twi^ ^n ^ *^"''^y ^«g to a rivullt, and 
 witn the fleetness of a moose across a mea- 
 dow. I would off'er an opinion concerninc^ 
 your future situation, but my thoughts hZ 
 come broken-winged in beating, like bats, 
 about old tomb-stones and\lusky charnel- 
 houses-therefore, I shall keep them caged 
 in my bosom. But I hope and trust that 
 the railroad velocity with which you speed 
 through time will give you sufficient time 
 to caiTy you far enough into eternity to 
 
if I 
 
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 300 
 
 DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 prevent your ever returning to such a 
 wicked, deceitful, clothes- tearing and Boul- 
 worrying world as this. So mote it be ! 
 
 ON SCANDAL. 
 
 Text. — There is a lust in man no charm can tame 
 Of loudly publishing his neifjhbor's shame ; 
 On eag'es' wings immoral scandals tiy. 
 While virtuous actions are but born to die. 
 
 My Hearers : I shall preach to you a 
 plain, common-sense kind of discourse. 
 Unlike the cabinet maker, who so 
 smoothes, polishes, stains and varnishes 
 his articles, that it is difficult to tell what 
 kind of wood they are composed of. I shall 
 be so plain in prosody, and simple in syn- 
 tax, that you can hardly help understanding 
 what I intend to say. 
 
 To commence: that there is a wild and 
 untameable lust for ever lurking in the 
 breast of man to publish his neighbor's 
 shame, is as correct as a calculation for an 
 eclipse. Why it is that we, like flies which 
 take pains to light upon one's sores, should 
 delight in seeking out the errors and petit 
 sins of a brother-in-blood, is more than I 
 can rationally explain ; but true it is, we 
 all have an itching thusward, and no moral 
 physic nor external application can allay 
 it. Let an iutiividual, in the humble walks 
 
 
lEMONS. 
 
 linf? to such a 
 iaring and soul- 
 mote it be ! 
 
 10 charm can tame 
 ineifjhbor's shame; 
 al scandals fly, 
 are but born to die. 
 
 reach to you a 
 i of discourse, 
 aker, who so 
 and varnishes 
 ult to tell what 
 >osed of. I shall 
 I simple in syn- 
 ) understanding 
 
 e is a wild and 
 lurking in the 
 his neighbor's 
 Iculation for an 
 like flies which 
 3's sores, should 
 arrors and petit 
 is more than I 
 it true it is, we 
 d, and no moral 
 ition can allay 
 e humble walks 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 301 
 
 of life, who makes no pretensions to supe- 
 rior piety, but sustain a fair reputation 
 do an uncommonly praise- worthy deed' 
 and the report of it dies like an echo upon 
 a sand hill. Then let him accidentally 
 tread upon a little violet of modosty, or 
 thoughtlessly pluck a single bright blossom 
 trom the garland of virtue, and it is 
 trumped abroad, to his everlastino- dis- 
 grace. Hisindiscreetness may at first be 
 only known to one-and he a 'friend;' but 
 this tricnd has, in common with us all, a 
 devil withm him, the same as the most 
 mellow and fairest -looking apple has a 
 worm at its core. He alone knowing of the 
 misstep of his intimate, feels in duty bound 
 to keep it secret; but at the same time is 
 afflicted with an irresistibh inclination to 
 ten of it to some one. He tells it ' confiden- 
 tially to his nearest friend— he tells it 
 confidentially' to an acquaintance— he to 
 a tourth, and finally it becomes as public 
 as the doings of Congress. These confiden- 
 tial dams can no more stop the streams of 
 scandal when it has once broken loose from 
 Its tountam head, than a bear trap can catch 
 the measles. 
 
 My friends: it is impossible for you to 
 know, at the moment, how your reputa- 
 tions are being unravelled by Mr M^d'^i^- 
 some, Mrs. Chatterbox, and Miss Tittle- 
 tattle. You are not aware at first how badly 
 your backs ai-e bitten by these blood- suck- 
 
302 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 fl 
 
 
 
 D 
 
 
 * 
 
 3 
 
 ( fi 1 
 
 
 ers— jQformandizers upon the goodnaraoB of 
 others ; but when time causes the wounds 
 they inflici to f.^ster, you begin to feel sore 
 indeed, aiid are ready to exclaim, 'Oh ! the 
 Blanderer'<i tooth is equally as poisonous to 
 ou?'8 soul as the fang of a serpent to the 
 !]("-" h !' The reason why you glory in pub- 
 lishing your neighbor's shame is as plain 
 to me as the garb of a qaakeress. It is 
 through a spirit of envy and jealousy. You 
 know that you are all addicted to error, sin 
 and folly; and consequently you are al- 
 ways on the lookout to discover disgraces 
 in others that will outweigh your" own. 
 When you find such, you use your utmost 
 exertions to increase the enormity in order 
 that contrast may aid your own wickedness 
 to escape unnoticed. But it won't answer : 
 it is very much like not circulating the re- 
 port that the character of the kettle is co- 
 vered with crock. 
 
 My hearers : you have no right to tear a 
 man's character to pieces for the sake of 
 patching up your own tattered trowsers of 
 mortality; and you have no business to 
 kno^v what he does privately, if he does not 
 piihUcly set a pernicious example. Somo 
 of you go to the theatre to hiss, and per- 
 haps drive a good actor from the stage, 
 because he is given to certain little immor- 
 alities. This shouidu'tbe— you should look 
 alone at the actor and forget the man. You 
 visit the place to be entertained — perhaps 
 
 
IIMONS. 
 
 ^le good naracB of 
 uses the wounds 
 ae^in to feel soro 
 xcUiim, 'Oh ! tho 
 ^ as poisonous to 
 serpent to the 
 ou glory in pub- 
 am e is as plain 
 lakeress. It is 
 1 jealousy. You 
 cted to error, sin 
 tly you are al- 
 3Cover disgraces 
 eigh your own. 
 Jse your utmost 
 lormity in order 
 own wickedness 
 t won't answer : 
 culating the re- 
 :he kettle is co- 
 
 ) right to tear a 
 for the sake of 
 ered trowsers of 
 no business to 
 ly, ifhe does not 
 cample. Somo 
 hiss, and per- 
 rom the stage, 
 in little immor- 
 you should look 
 t the man. You 
 ained — perhaps 
 
 DOAV'S PATENT SERMOI^S. 
 
 303 
 
 
 amused— and. if tho performer 'a<^ well his 
 part.'you oui,^ht to give him juHt as njuch ap- 
 plause as though he were pure as < -ystai 
 and chaste as new-fallen mww 8. my 
 friends, it should be with regard t the par- 
 son of your parish, Ifhegiv.'syo i,-ood «d- 
 yice from the pulpit— encoi! rages Jic chns- 
 tian in hi« pioua car.'cr— warns sinners to 
 repentance, and points out the (lungers that 
 beset the i- ith of the transgressor [he 
 goes about doing good— comforts th. idow 
 and tho orplin in their sorrows— \ , , the 
 sick, and en( ;avors to alleviate the s offer- 
 ings and ligh en the burdens of the 1 ivy 
 laden and weary— enters the house oi id- 
 versity and calf us the soul's troubled w.i ^rs 
 with a pennyworth of the oil of peu — 
 gives hope and consolation to him wh(. is 
 about to set sail ipon the ocean of eternity • 
 accompanies him to the dock of death; 
 shakes hands, ai d sees him safely off, with 
 ardent wishes for his eternal welfare. I say, 
 my friends, if yorr parson does all those 
 things, it is none ( f your business if betakes 
 an occasional gla s of brandy and water 
 behind his own do> r. If Betty, the servant- 
 maid, should happ n to discover it, and, 
 with the aid of scandal mongers, circulate 
 it through the parish— you make a fusa 
 about it, and discharge him from the min- 
 istry. Now what is the consequence? Why, 
 the poor man, not conscious of a single 
 fault, but pierced to .he heart with the ar- 
 
 lil . 
 
304 
 
 DOW*S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
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 ^^H 
 
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 ^^M h\:^-^ 
 
 
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 ^^H 
 
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 ^^H 
 
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 ^^^^H 
 
 h^m, 
 
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 of publ 
 
 takes 
 
 bottle 
 
 rows ot public opinion, ^„,,^ 
 
 to drown his grief— not remorse, for he has 
 done nothing to be ashamed of— and feels 
 his way in a fog to the tomb as fast as he 
 can— and YOU are the murderers of this 
 unfortunate man ! Truly, all his virtuous 
 actions were bom but to die for the want 
 of that protection and nouriphment which 
 a foolish and niggardly community was 
 never known to afford. 
 
 My hearers: you are too apt to annihilate 
 a good and virtuous reputation, merely be- 
 cause you fincy you discover a small stain 
 upon it, which, after all, generally amounts 
 to no more than a fly-speck upon a clean 
 table-cloth. This is wrong— decidedly 
 wrong; and I hope that, by reflecting upon 
 the subject, you will become convinced of 
 the fact, and for the future behave better, 
 grow wiser, and become happier. So mote 
 it be! 
 
 NOBILITY OF BIRTH. 
 
 Text.— Fairest piece of well formed earth, 
 Urge not thus your haughty birth. 
 
 My Hearers : If there be any one among 
 you who thinks that he is made of better 
 stuff than another, let him come forward 
 and be examined. You, young man yonder, 
 by your high bearing and haughty air, seem 
 to lay claim to superiority in some way. 
 
SRMONS. 
 
 kes to the bottle 
 morse, for he has 
 ed of — and feels 
 nb as fast as he 
 iirderers of this 
 all his virtuous 
 ie for the want 
 riphment which 
 community was 
 
 apt to annihilate 
 tion, merely be- 
 er a small stain 
 nerally amounts 
 k upon a clean 
 ronfjf— decidedly 
 '■ retiecting upon 
 le convinced of 
 behave better, 
 ppier. So mote 
 
 3IRTH. 
 
 ornied earth, 
 ■ughty birth. 
 
 any one among 
 made of better 
 I come forward 
 ng man yonder, 
 lughty air, seem 
 in some way. 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 305 
 
 bril^t'ev^^^^^ ^'""^^^'^ you have 
 
 to fit. You are aH^tov^f be'TlS 
 as far as shape and symmetry are conet^^.' 
 ed. In fact, you look as though your clothl 
 were made first, after the moltlp^^^^^ 
 fashion, and yourself poured into t ham • 
 a state of liquefaction, after t^^^^^^^^^^ "i 
 makmg candles. But who are ^o^^^i 
 what are you, after all ? A smalf mess of 
 the leavmgs of high ancestry! wli^h 're 
 It analyzed by my fnend Dr. Chil/^'wou d 
 
 ed iZflf ^ ^'^^Z ^^'^^ *^« materki work? 
 ed into the son of a chimney.sweeD--and 
 no doubt but the blood of the latfp?,-= J? 
 more pnre and uncorrupTed W L^^^^^^^^ 
 of blood IS nothing more than the renown 
 of your great grandfathers, knov^ bv tS 
 
 ti" Uf li:hr 1 ""'' ?i''''^^'^' ^ ' o"g 
 
 pocket, the sword of Justice will h^ve no 
 more respect for your noble blood ?han 
 
 aMlT"^^'''^'''''' In suchadStmma 
 a full purse is your only salvation • for n« 
 my particular friend Drvden Aa v« To 
 bear the name bn^ Jnr- "? T ?7 1' ^^"^^ 
 pr . f k^ '. , moucjf has all the pow- 
 er • the cause is always bad wheneveftho 
 
 m mmd. and go your way, young noblemal! 
 
306 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 
 
 
 #* h i .• 
 
 
 '«;! 
 
 My friends : birth is nothing ; some 
 mighty monarchs have been meanly bom, 
 and those that have been kings by birth, 
 have, by mean and wicked acts, been 
 brought into the lowest ranks. The King 
 of Heaven was born of an humble maid, 
 among shingles and shavings, and laid in a 
 manger, for the want of other and better 
 conveniences ; yet where is there the no- 
 bility to compare with his ? — the nobility 
 oi goodness. In him all the virtues that 
 could be crowded into flesh shone resplen- 
 dent. These made him good; and that 
 which made him good made him noble. 
 Nobility is dependent under praiseworthy 
 acts, and not upon inheritance. If it were 
 not so, my friends, we should be all noble, 
 or rather ignoble, alike ; since we are all 
 descended from Adam and Eve — and I am 
 sure there was nothing very noble about 
 this ancient couple — who hadn't a house to 
 live in — went naked, stole an apple, and ab- 
 squatulated ! 
 
 My hearers : nobility of blood is all nor- 
 sense; one kind of blood v;ill taint as quick 
 as another; and the precious red fluid that 
 circulates in the veins of Queen Victoria 
 or the Empress Eugenie, won't make 
 any better meat than that which me- 
 anders through the Dutch girls of Ber- 
 gen. In fact, I have seen as good female 
 fl sli as ever mortal need desire to kiss, ac- 
 cumulated from wild Irish blood. Your true 
 
ERMONS. 
 
 nothing ; some 
 (en meanly bom, 
 . kings by birth, 
 eked acts, been 
 anks. The King 
 m humble maid, 
 ngs, and laid in a 
 3th er and better 
 is there the no- 
 is ? — the nobility 
 the virtues that 
 ;h shone resplen- 
 good; and that 
 made him noble, 
 der praiseworthy 
 bance. If it were 
 >uld be all noble, 
 
 since we are all 
 i Eve — and I am 
 iery noble about 
 hadn't a house to 
 
 an apple, and ab- 
 
 fbloodisall non- 
 vill taint as quick 
 ous red fluid that 
 f Queen Victoria 
 lie, won't make 
 that which me- 
 ch girls of Ber- 
 1 as good female 
 desire to kiss, ac- 
 L blood. Your true 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 307 
 
 nobleman is he whose mind is filled with 
 m-bred worth, no matter whether he waa 
 ushered mto the world amid pomp Tnd 
 pageantry, or dug out of a dung-heap^n 
 the silence of midnight. Of Nat'ure's^no 
 blemen our red race of the forest are per- 
 fect patterns. They never forget a kfnd- 
 Dess, nor rest satisfied till they have avenged 
 a wrong Generous, from the impulses of 
 their nature, and alive to the highest sense 
 ofhonor they only ask what fs ?ah and 
 reasonable, and submit but when vanquish- 
 ed to any unj ust requirement. When left 
 to themselves, and unswayed by forei-n 
 
 TXtV'.'^rV^' noblest TpeciS 
 ot what God intended man should be that 
 ever found an abode upon earth; buWhen 
 goaded chafed and corrupted by us whfte 
 skins, they are the veriest h^U-hounds the 
 devil ever let loose upon strangers May 
 Heaven forgive us our trespasseii- tis too 
 much to ask of the poor Indian ! But no? 
 bility IS confined to no race, dependent upon 
 no station conferred by no birthright. YoS 
 
 santry of the land as in the palaces of lords 
 and princes; and though not glitterin- 
 with regal splendor, it is'an ornfinent tS 
 our yeomanry, and would do honor to any- 
 thing wearing the human face divine, froni 
 a monarch to a monkey. 
 
 My friends: if your progenitors were no- 
 ble, you must adopt their virtues and imi- 
 
303 
 
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 J'S"!l 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 tate their actions, or they might as well 
 have been sheep-stealers, as far as benefit- 
 ting you is concerned. Your own acts must 
 immoi-talize your names; for who cares 
 whether you were born in the garret or 
 down in the cellar, or whether your great 
 grandfather descended the stream of time 
 on a lumber raft, or was shaken out of a 
 sycamore in a hurricane ? If you don't be- 
 have yourselves well, you can have no 
 claims to nobleness nor nobility ; but, on 
 the contrary, if you act fairly, frankly, 
 openly and undisguisedly— say always what 
 you mean and fulfil what you promise— and 
 deceive no one— you may hold up your 
 heads and be proud of the legitimate title 
 —Nobleman. Then you will be easy- 
 then you will be happy; and while your 
 mundane joys are flourishing here below, a 
 new crop will be starting up for you in 
 heaven: and often, in your dreams, you will 
 ascend the patriarch's ladder, to see how 
 things are getting on up ^.here. So mote it 
 be! 
 
 LITTLE MEN WITH LITTLE SOULS. 
 
 Text,— There was a little man, 
 
 And he Lad a little soul 
 And eke a little mind, 
 Aud o'er it no control. 
 
 My Hearers : In regard to physical and 
 mental magnitude, we find that, all the 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 309 
 
 TTLE SOULS. 
 
 world over, the extremes are monstrous. 
 Wherever we go, it is big and little, great 
 and small, like a cart-load of stones, or a 
 barrel of potatoes. I find, in my travels, a 
 good many big little folks, and about an 
 equal number of little big folks ; and, pep- 
 per my snuff-box, if I can tell which are 
 the greatest ! The big little ones have small 
 carcases, to be sure ; but they possess souls 
 of some considerable magnitude. On the 
 other hand, your little big people can boast 
 of a great extent of carnal territory, and 
 hearts that occupy about as much room in 
 
 Proportion as an acorn in a hogshead. I 
 ave seen small human dimensions, how- 
 ever, so swollen with self-importance, that 
 I have trembled, lest they should sudden- 
 ly experience the fate of the frog in the 
 fable. 
 
 My friends : as my text informs us, there 
 was a little man, and he had a little soul, 
 consequently he had a little mind ; and, as 
 might naturally be supposed, he had no 
 control over it. It was a slender * reed 
 shaken with the wind,' and no more sus- 
 ceptible of a prop than a spider thread. 
 Peradventure, you have all seen specimens 
 of such transcendental, humanized little- 
 ness. Mere cockroaches, as they are, in a 
 community of decent-sized bodies and 
 souls, they kick, scratch, crawl, and scrab- 
 ble about, as though the whole world was 
 theii- kitchen, and everybody a cook. They 
 

 
 ^ 
 
 
 
 ffW 
 
 1 '^-x* ~ 
 
 
 W.4I 
 
 
 
 ! 
 
 
 • 
 
 
 
 
 I '■ I 
 
 310 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 are as fidgetty as an old maid at a weddins?. 
 As for their meanness, it is hardly worth 
 mentioning— still too important to be pas- 
 sed over in silence. They are meaner than 
 turkey poudrette— and, you are well aware, 
 that is so mean that grass won't grow 
 within ten miles of it. I have seen one of 
 these small- bodied-and-little-souled chaps, 
 myself, chase a musquito till sundown for 
 its suet ; and I have no doubt but he would 
 have followed it up to midnight were it not 
 for the expense of a candle. Not one of 
 them_ would hesitate to steal a sick nigger's 
 physic— to take a cracker from the claw of 
 a poU-parrot— to put in a tin sixpence, 
 and take a penny from a contribution box 
 —or to chew over a second-hand tobacco 
 quid. In charity, however, towards these 
 dimmutive mortals, I am inclined to believe 
 that THEY are not altogether to blame : 
 «iey only exercise the best of their powers. 
 They have hearts in proportion to the size 
 of their carcases. Nature seldom makes a 
 misfit, by planting the seeds of moral and 
 intellectual greatness in pots of clay too 
 small to admit of a fine growth and full 
 fruition. 
 
 My hearers : while many little men, cor- 
 poreally speaking, have souls to match, 
 other big masses of human flesh contain 
 less, by a monstrous sight j but generally, 
 they are not of the stout and stalwart, but 
 of the soapy fat, bloat and blubber species, 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 311 
 
 in whom is concentrated all the gross sel- 
 fishness that could possibly be crowded in- 
 to the circumference of individual mortal- 
 ity. They are bound to enjoy their mugs 
 of ale, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding; 
 and, when asked for a penny for the starv- 
 ing children of charity, they inform them 
 that they too are poor, and can't get half 
 enough to eat, themselves. They usually 
 contain about half a bowl of the milk of 
 human kindness ; but they are pretty care- 
 ful to keep the cream skimmed off for 
 their own use. I did know one, however, 
 who, to his credit be it said, once had the 
 generosity to borrow a cent to drop into 
 the hat of a blind fiddler. Whether it was 
 ever returned or not, is none of my business. 
 Such are your little big men. 
 
 My friends: Jupiter knows there is plen- 
 ty of littleness to be found among all sizes, 
 shapes, colors and sexes ; but I know of 
 nothing meaner, or more little, than for 
 one sect of christians to monopolize hea- 
 ven, to the exclusion of all others ; or for 
 one political party to take all the credit to 
 itself for saving the country. But, brethren, 
 the time will soon come, I have no doubt, 
 when people will be made larger (there is 
 stuff enough for it) — have larger minds — • 
 wear bigger boots and breeches — and have 
 more enlarged views of things generally, 
 and small matters in particular. So mote 
 it be I 
 
312 DOW'S PATENT SEEMONS. 
 
 ^k 
 
 
 
 f:' 
 
 tS^ 
 
 
 
 It: 
 
 
 DESTINY. 
 
 TEXT.—There is a destiny that shapes our ends 
 Kough-hevv them as we will. ' 
 
 My Hearers : Although this shaping of 
 * our ends' has reference to the ends of both 
 men and worr.en, I wish you to understand 
 that it has nothing whatever to do with 
 those obsolete, antecedent excrescences 
 vulgarly called 'bustles.' No— it alludes 
 solely to those ends which all of us terres- 
 trial beings have in view, love to dwell 
 upon, and hope to have brought to a liappy 
 perfection, at last. Now, my friends, I 
 don't say it is so, but did it never seem' to 
 you that you were dragged by Destiny in- 
 to certain mud-holes of misfortune ?— that 
 all your plans, aims and ends— let them be 
 rough-hewn with the bi-oad-axe of hope as 
 they may— are directed, shaped and per- 
 fected, after all, by that same old meddler- 
 brazen-faced, iron-fisted Fate. No doubt 
 it has often seemed thus to you ; and there 
 is no doubt, either, that if some of you fail, 
 or make a flummux of getting to heaven' 
 after trying as hard for it as a toad to get 
 up a sand bank— you will lay it all to your 
 cuss'd everlasting luck ! 
 
 My fi-iends : whether it is destiny that 
 we are bitten by a bed bug, stung by a 
 gnat, poisoned by slander, or shipwrecked 
 at sea, is more than I am, at present, pre- 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 313 
 
 pared to decide ; but some folks are, ap- 
 parently, more lucky than others. Now, 
 when a man once gets upon the ebb tide of 
 fortune, it certainly appears as though hell, 
 heaven, and all the elements— natural, 
 social, peaceful and warning — had conspir- 
 ed against him. The more he exerts him- 
 self, the farther off is he, as it would seem, 
 from the shore. He climbs the ladder of 
 ambition: and, just as he is within one 
 round of reaching the top, the bottom slips, 
 and down he goes ! Poor fellow ! nobody 
 deigns to help him, because he really needs 
 assistance. Were it anybody else, he would 
 have met with better luck. He can't go in 
 a crowd but he gets his corns gratuitously 
 ground, — if he goes a-fishing with a couple 
 of comrades, he averages about fifty no- 
 bites to their hundred haul-'em-ins ; and, 
 should he venture to throw dice for his 
 soul's salvation, he would cast but two aces 
 and a deuce at the best. The stars that, in 
 their courses, fought against cicero, are 
 bound to fight against him to the last. So 
 it goes— such is the luck of life ; and yet 
 this, as my friend Mr. Brass says, ' this is 
 the world which turns round on its own 
 axes— has lunar monthly influences and 
 influxes— resolves round the heavenly 
 bodies, and comes warious games of that 
 'ere kind o' sort !' 
 
 My hearers: trot along, from your cradles 
 to your graves, as gently as you may, you 
 
I'! i'l'^ 
 
 814 DOV/'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 are liable to meet with accidents. If you 
 come in contact with an inoifensive mile- 
 stone, a luckless lamp-post, or a dormant 
 dirt-cart, I leave it for you to decide whe- 
 ther it be destiny, or the result of your own 
 carelessness. To make it satisfactory, as 
 far as possible, I will considot it about half- 
 and-half As my bootmaker observes, 
 sickness ar.d sore toes are the natural con- 
 comitants of humanity ; and Destiny must 
 bear tlie blame, I suppose, for every ill im- 
 posed upon ourselves by recklessness, folly 
 and crime. Yet there are what may be 
 called your unlucky sort. They never can 
 get into a streak of good fortune, however 
 great their exertions. The world turns the 
 wrong way with them— the wind is always 
 in a contrary quarter— the weather answers 
 for everybody but them— the whole ma- 
 chinery of nature is out of kelter, and all 
 concocted creation is to them as so much 
 mush and milk to a marble statue. Then, 
 again, wo have the lucky kind. They draw 
 prizes in a lottery, * and not half try'— if 
 they go out without an umbrella, they hap- 
 pen to get home just as the first drop of a 
 shower touches their heels upon the thres- 
 hold—lightning runs down the chimney, 
 melts the buttons off their coats, and kills a 
 cat in a corner ; but they are safe. Hope 
 promises them a pie, and she brings them 
 a batch. Let come what will come, and 
 they are none the worse off— in all proba- 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 315 
 
 bility better. I once knew one of these 
 luckies to be blown up into a pear-tree by 
 the perrnature bhist of a rock. What do 
 you think ! — the chap never came down 
 till he had filled his h-uit basket; and then 
 he said he was thankful for the boost ! 
 
 Now, my dear friends — I won't pretend 
 to say that ' luck is everythin<^,' although 
 there is a good deal in it. But allow me 
 to tell you one thing. It is this : if you live 
 sober, virtuous, moral lives — are ambitious, 
 active, perserving— act uprightly — are 
 economical, but not parsimonious — you 
 will be lucky through t^ns life, and 1 think 
 (but I won't be certain) in the life to come : 
 but, if you are determined to be lazy, dis- 
 honest, immoral, and prodigal, you will 
 have ' the devil's own luck* so long as you 
 are permitted to pollute God's green pavi- 
 lion. So mote it be ! 
 
 SELF-LOVE. 
 
 Text — Whate'er the passion, knowledge, fame, or 
 pelf, 
 No one will change his neighhor with him- 
 self. 
 
 My Hearehs : Self-love is the true oalt of 
 contentment ; it keeps a laan alwavs satis- 
 fied with himself, if he isn't with his cir- 
 cumstances. And self-love is instinctive ; 
 it pervades every bosom, and impregnates 
 
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 316 DOW'S PATENT biCRMONS. 
 
 every heart. Every man wants to be him- 
 self, and • nobody else.' He gloriously ex- 
 ults m the exclamation of my friend Andrew 
 Jackson Allen, Esq., 'lam myself— alone!' 
 and, if he thou«,^ht there was a possibility of 
 his waking up some cold morning, and find- 
 ing himself another individual, he wouldn't 
 trust his person to the care of old father 
 Somnus for a single night; but sleep by 
 inches, to avoid the detested transmogrifi- 
 cation. We do not prefer ourselves, person- 
 ally and individually, but give preference to 
 the gender to which we happen to belong. 
 Inever saw awoman in my life, but if I 
 asked the question, would say that she 
 would rather be a woman than a man; and 
 I know that all who wear beards and 
 breeches, are content that heaven has made 
 them as they are, in regard to sex. So na- 
 ture has wisely ordained that there shall be 
 no gi-umbling on this point. In fact every 
 one is so enraptured with his individual 
 identity, that it would require an immense 
 sight of boot to induce him to swap soul 
 and body with his neighbor—unless he knew 
 he were to be hung on the morrow ; then 
 probably, he would be glad to exchan<'-o 
 being wjth a disappointed politician or'^a 
 ring-tailed monkey. 
 
 My friends : the learned are happy in ex- 
 ploring the fields of nature and knowledo-e 
 — m pondering over the pictures upon the 
 pages of history— in gathering wild flowers, 
 
DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 317 
 
 that still bloom amid the ruins of the Past 
 — in analyzing every blossom that blows in 
 the garden of the Present— and in sprink- 
 ling with the pot of hope the youth plants 
 that flouriHh in the paradise of the Future. 
 The fool is hapi)y because he doesn't know 
 enough to be miserable. Wliile others are 
 care-eaten, melancholy, and living in con- 
 stant fear of danger, death and the devil, 
 he finds pleasure in tickling toads with a 
 straw, that hop in the dusk of evening, at 
 the very door of the tomb. While thousands 
 are engaged in the bloody occupation of war 
 — shooting off heads, legs and arms, and 
 opening a passage-way with the bayonet to 
 the citadels of each other's souls — he cap- 
 tures flies, and lets them go again upon the 
 parole of honor, minus perchance a wing, 
 or with the loss of a superfluous leg. "What 
 cares he about the ' honor of the nation,' or 
 for the name and fame of the old 'bosses' 
 that are to drag the govern rac-ital car to 
 glorj" ? — Not a hooter. Let kingdoms come 
 down with a crash — let empires full, and 
 shake Vae whole world with their thunders 
 — and let republics tumble into the dust, 
 burying deep in anarchial rubbish the ruins 
 of the Temple of Liberty— he cares no more 
 for the matter than an oyster- cellar for an 
 earthquake. It is all the same to him, so 
 long as old Time isn't mortally wounded — 
 the earth safe and sound — the sun shines — 
 the grass grows, anJ , helives cheerily. Thus 
 
.Cl, 
 
 I 
 
 •"kl 
 
 318 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 you see, my friends, that the fool is happy ; 
 and you, too, ai'e happy that you are not 
 the fool. 
 
 My hearers : the rich man is happy but 
 not so happy as he might be, if he didn't 
 take so much trouble to make himself un- 
 comfortable. The happiness that he drinks 
 from the cup of wealth, is a mixture of vine- 
 gar and molasses ; and the vinegar is so pre- 
 dominant, that it could not be other than 
 an unpalateable mess to him who has long 
 been accustomed to the sweets sucked from 
 the * uses of adversity.' But, whether the 
 man with the * mopuses' be happy or not, 
 one thing is certain : he wouldn't change 
 himself with one in lower circumstances for 
 a morgtage or an acre of heaven, and a 
 supply of sublunary bliss suflacient to fit up 
 a dozen guardian angels to attend him 
 through his terrestrial pilgrimage. Not he. 
 The poor man confides himself to the protec- 
 tion of an all- wise Providence, and feels as 
 safe as a wejag in his winter's burrow. He 
 hasn't much to lose, and a world to hope for. 
 Blest with health— perchance a handsome 
 wife, and an interesting lot of little depen- 
 dencies—he goes to his daily task with a 
 merry heart ; the toil being lightened by 
 laboring for those whom he loves. None of 
 the cursed cares of state find their way into 
 his humble home— no thousands of dollars 
 are momentarily in danger of being lost in 
 the uncertain sea of speculation— no spectres 
 
SERMONS. 
 
 b the fool is happy ; 
 that you are not 
 
 is happy but 
 e, if he didn't 
 
 man 
 
 ht be, 
 
 make himself un- 
 ness that he drinks 
 s a mixture of vine- 
 le vinegar is so pre- 
 lot be other than 
 
 him who has long 
 sweets sucked from 
 
 But, whether the 
 
 be happy or not, 
 3 wouldn't change 
 ' circumstances for 
 
 of heaven, and a 
 I sufficient to fit up 
 Is to attend him 
 Igrimage. Not he. 
 nself to the protec- 
 ence, and feels as 
 ter's burrow. He 
 I world to hope for. 
 hance a handsome 
 ot of little depen- 
 daily task with a 
 sing lightened by 
 le loves. None of 
 ind their way into 
 ►usands of dollars 
 ?r of being lost in 
 ition — no spectres 
 
 DOW'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 319 
 
 of writs, duns, and protests disturb his mid- 
 night slumbers ; and, being at the bottom 
 of the wheel of fortune, it makes no odds to 
 him which way it turns, so long as it is 
 bound to bring him up. He has but little, 
 but that little is as full of sweets as a honey- 
 comb. He lives in the sunlight of content- 
 ment— happy in the nibbling at the peaked 
 end of nothing; and happier still in the hope 
 of overtaking that ' two dollars a day and 
 roast beef,' so long promised by political 
 preachers. 
 
 My dear friends : where mankind are free 
 from bodily pain, I don't see as there is much 
 difference in the average amount of their 
 happiness. The old she-dragon Sin has de- 
 posited just about so much spawn in every 
 human heart ; and it will hatch out just 
 about so much misery to every individual. 
 A blind beggar dances while a millionaire 
 is mourning over the corpse of a defunct 
 dollar bill : a cripple sings while a king is 
 crying: the di'unken sot is a hero, pro tem., 
 and covers himself with glory, drawn from 
 a gin bottle, while the military commander 
 is painfully and tediously extracting it from 
 the blood of his fellow -creatures; the lunatic 
 is 'monarch of all he surveys,' without the 
 trouble of looking after it; while care, anx- 
 iety and fear shake th6 soul of an emperor, 
 as a dog would a woodchuck. Your humble 
 servant, and poor preacher, is perfectly well 
 satisfied with himself. He wouldn't swap hia 
 

 
 <*^' r- C 
 
 {^ l|>CXSy'S PATENT SERMONS. 
 
 carnal and mental arrangements for those of 
 the greatest or the smallest man now livinjj- 
 nor for all the Moseses and Solomons that 
 ever trod 'tother side of Anno Domini '— 
 and I have no doubt, my friends, that you'set 
 equally as high a value upon your individual 
 selves ; at least, I hope so. If we are all 
 satisfied with ourselves, Heaven will be sat- 
 isfied with us all. So mote it be ! 
 
 
 ■ I 
 
 GALT & CO., PKINIERS, LONDON. 
 
 ft- 
 
NT SERMONS. 
 
 argements for those of 
 allest man now living; 
 '8 and Solomons that 
 of Anno Domini/— 
 ly friends, that you set 
 i upon your individual 
 ?e so. If we are all 
 8, Heaven will be sat- 
 mote it be ! 
 
 JIEES, LONDON.