r jL^vj Cnji) trip^o-w^tjiro cgjo ctq-q crtpj oxr o c » '- OvOtro C3^ ^ I ■ \ CANADIAN EDITION. |if^.- PVKLl SITED BY ('. U. CUTS HOLM • llAII.W \V AM) STEAMnO\T NKWS Af.'^ST. ist;7. 1^. im:inti;i« iiv loiiN i ovi i I . 2^ jyX I' 1^ -^•L- # :^^5!M-tl rA^C*^ a^ffipij^mi^6^,si^^w^iss Price, 25 Cents. / J *.akf ^.... > »' ^ ;v \ mmLMm Wlfh Comic lUjusinxLtioTus hy JifulleTi^ BIPBINTEO FBOM TBB AUEBICAM COPTRIGDT CPITION. C. R. CHISHOLM, RAILWAY AND STEAMBOAT NEWS AGENT. .' ,t , , i *5 CHAPiliGS W. COB, Eaj., OF CLBTElXkD, OHIO, ... i3:Tri&f;td all the Year Ilawnd, ■ •/>•■ LIST OF ILLUSTRA.TIONS. FroDiispiece^-Artemus Ward for the Union 1 A Jenial Feller 6 Tbe Shakers 6 *' On the Wing." 13 The Crisis 20 Visit to Brigham Toung 26 Edwin Forrest &8 Othello 29 •On "Forts." 33 Piccolomini, A Child of the Re^nieot.. . . 3S Moses the Sassy 38 Joy in the House of Ward 43 Interview with President Lincoln . . 47 The Show is Confiscated 60 The War Fever in Baldinsville 58 Member of the Home Quard 64 East Side Theatricals 65 New England Sum To CONTENTS. One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters. ...... 5 The Shakers ... 6 High-Handed Outrage at Utica 9 The Atlantic Cable 10 Among the Spirits 11 On the Wing 13 The Octoroon 15 Experience as an Editor 17 Oberlin 17 The Showman's Courtship 18 The Crisis 20 Wax Figures vs. Shakespeare 22 Among the Free Lovers 23 Scandalous Doings at Pittsburgh 24 A Visit to Brigham Young 25 The Census 27 An Honest Living 28 The Press 28 Edwin Forrest as Othello 29 The Show Business and Popular Lectures. 31 Woman's Rights 31 Would-Be Sea Dogs 32 On "Forts." , 33 Piccolomini 34 Little Patti 36 Moses the Sassy '37 Tha Prince of Wales 39 Ossawatomie Brown 42 Joy in the House of Ward 43 Cruise of tbe Polly Ann 45 Interview with President Lincoln 47 The Show is Confiscated 60 Thrilling Scenes in Dixie 63 Fourth of July Oration 65 The War Fever in Baldinsville 67 Interview with Prince Napoleon 69 A Juvenile Composition 62 A Poem by t:3e Same 63 Marion : — A Romance of tbe French School 62 Letter From a Gory Member of the Home Guard 03 East Side Theatricals 64 Soliloquy of a Low Thief 66 Surrender of Oornwallia 67 The Wife t 69 AT THE DOOR OF THE TENT. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Show is about to commence. Ton could not well expect ta go in without paying, but you may pay without going in. I can say no fairer than this. ARTEMUS WARD To the Editor of the Sir, — I'm movin along — slowly along — down tords your place. I want you should rite me a letter, sayin how is the show bizniss in your place. 5Iy show at present consists of three moral Bares, a Kangaroo (a amoozin Utile Raskal — t' would make your larf yerself to deth to see the little cuss jump up and squeal) wax figgers of 6. Washington Gen. Tayler John Bunyan Capt. Kidd and Dr. Webster in the act of killin Dr. Parkman, besides several mis- cellanyus moral wax statoots of celebrated piruts & murderers, &c., ekalled by few & exceld by none. Now Mr. Editor, scratch orf a few lines sayin how is the show bizniss down to your place. I shall hav my hanbills dun at your offiss. Depend upon it. I want you should git my hanbills up in flamin stile. Also git up a tremenjus excitemunt in yr. paper 'bowt ray onparaleld Show. We must fetch the public sumhow. We must wurk on their feelins. Cum the moral on 'em strong. If it's a temprance community tell 'em I sined the pledge fif- teen minits arter Iso born, but on the contery ef your peple take their tods, say Mister Ward is as Jenial a feller as we ever met, full of conwiviality, & the life •n sole of the Soshul Bored. Take, don't you? If you say anythin aoowt my show say my snaiks is as harmliss as the new born Babe. What a intcrcstin study it is to sec a zewological animil like a snaik under perfeck subjecshun ! My kangaroo is the most larfablc little cuss I ever saw. All for 15 cents. I am anxyus to skewer " As jenial a feller as we ever met." your infloounce. I rcpeet in regard to them hanbills that I shall git 'em struck orf up to your printin offiss. My perlitercal sentiments agree with yourn exackly. I know thay do, bccawz I never saw a man whoos didn't. Respectively yures, A. Ward. P. S. — You scratch my back & He scratch your back. / THE SHiVKERS. Artemus among the Shakers. " Yay," tney sed, and J'sy'd- TIIE SrUKEES. The SlirikoriS is ihc f=trfiTi,Qe?t voli;>ioiis sex I ever mot. I'd licarn toll of 'cm and I'd seen 'cm, ■with their broad brim'd hat.s and long \vastid coat.s ; but I'd never cum into immcjit contack uilh 'em, and I'd sot 'em down as lackin intcllcck, as I'd never seen 'cm to my Show — leastways, if they cum they was disgised in wliitc peplc's close, so I didn't know 'cm. But in the Spring of 18 — , I got swampt in the exterior of New York State, one dark and stormy night, when the winds Blue pityusly, and I was forced to tic up with the Shakers. I was toilin threw the mud, when in the dim vister of the futcr I obsarvcd the gleams of a taller candle. Tiein a hornet's nest to my oQ hoss's tail to Idndcr encourage him, I soon reached the place I knockt at the door, which it was opened unto me by a tall, ,'^lick-faccd, solum lookin indlvidooal, who tuni'd ou* to be a Elder. " Mr. Shaker," sed I, " you sec before you a Bubo in the Woods, so to speak, and he axes shelter of you." " Yay," sed the Shaker, and he led the way into the house, another Shaker bein sent to put my bosses and waggin under kiver. A solum female, lookin surawhat like a last year's bcan-polo stuck into a long meal bag, cum in and axed me was I athurst and did I hunger? to which I urbanely anserd " a few." She went oif a&i I cadevcrd to open a couversashuA '"iU* the Old man. " Elder, I spect ?" sed I. "Yay,"hsfce(} '' Ilekh'iB i;;Qod, I r^J^oa '** ) THE SIIAKEKS. " What's the wages of a Elder, vrhcn ho undcrstans his biznesa — or do you devote your sarvices gratooitus ?'' " Yay." " Stormy night, sir." " Yay." " If the storm contiancrs there'll be a mess, underfoot, hay ?" " Yay." " It's onpleasant wbcn there's a uicss underfoot ?" " Yay." " If I may bo so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that pceuolor kind af weskit you wear, incloodin trimmins?" ■ « Yay !" I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I'd be faseshus with him and see how that would go, I glapthira on the shoulder, bust into a harty lurf, and told him that as a yayer he had no livin ckal. He juuipt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears, groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the scalin and sed : " You're a man of sin 1" He then walkt out of the room. • Jest then the female in the meal bag stuck her hod into the room and statid that refreshmcuts awaited the weary travler, and I sod if it was vittlcs she ment the weary travler was agreeable, and I foUered her into the next room. I sot down to the table and the female in the meal bag pored out sum tea. She sed nothin, and for live minutes the only live thing in that room was a old wooden clock, which tickt in a subdood and bashful manner in the corner. This dethly stillness made me oneasy, and I determined to talk to the female or bust. So sez I, " marrige is agin your rules, I bleeve, marm ?" " Yay." . " The sexes liv strickly apart, I spect ?" "Yay." " It's kinder singler," sez I, puttin on my most sweetest look and speakin in a winnin voice, " that so fair a made as thou never got hitched to some likely feller." [N. B. — She was upurds of 40 and homely as a stump fcnoo, but I thawt I'd tickil hcr|. " I don't like men !" fchc sed, very short- " Wall, I dunno," sez I, " they're a Mythcr important part of the populashun. I don't scacely see how we could git along without 'em." " Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better if there was no men 1" " You'll excoos me, marm, but 1 dont think that air would work. It wouldn't be rcgler." « *' I'm fraid of men !" she sed. " That's onnecessary, marm. You ain't in no danger. Dou't Irct yourself on that pint." " Here we're shot out from the sinful world. Here all is peas. Here we air brothers and sisters. We don't marry and consekently we hav no domestic difficulties. Ilusbans don't abooze their wives— wives don't worrit their husbans. There's no children here to worrit us. Nothin to worrit us here. No wicked matrimony here. Would thow like to be a Shaker ?" " No," .sez I, " it ain't my stile." I hud now histed in as big a load of pervishuns as I could carry comfortable, and, Icauin back in my cheer, commenst pickiu my teeth with a fork. The female went out, leavin me all alone with the clock. I hadn't sot thar long before the Elder poked his hcd in at the door. *' You're a man of sin !" he sed and groaned and went away. Direckly thar cum in two young Shakercsses, as putty and slick lookin gals as I ever met. It is troo they was drest in meal bags like the old one I'd met previsly^, and their shiny, bilky bar was hid from sight by long white caps, sich as I spose female Josts wear ; but their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheekb was like roses, and they was cbarmin cnuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to. They commenst clearin away . the dishes, castin shy glances at me all the 8 THE SHAKERS. time. I got excited. I forgot Betsy Jane in my rapter, and sez I, " my pretty dears, how air you ?" " We air well," they solumly sed. " Whar's the old man ?" sed I, in a soft voice. " Of whom dost thow speak—Brother Uriah? ' " I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a man of sin. Shouldn't wonder if his name was Uriah." " He has retired." " Wall, my pretty dears," sez I, " let's hav sum fun. Let's play puss in the corner. What say?" " Air you a Shaker, sir ?" they axed. " Wall, my pretty dears, I haven't arrayed my proud form in a long weskit yit, but if they was all like you perhaps I'd jine 'em. As it is, I'm a Shaker pro- temporary." They was full of fun. I seed that at fast, only they was a leetle skeery. I tawt 'em Puss in the comer and sich like plase, and we had a nice time, keepin quiet of course so the old man shouldn't hear. When we broke up, sez I, " my pretty dears, ear I go you hav no objections, hav you, to an innersent kiss at partin ?" ** Yay," thay sed, and I yny^d. I went up stairs to bed. I spose I'd bin snoozin half a hour when I was woke up by a noise at the door. I sot up in bed, leanin on my elbers and rubbin my eyes, and I saw the follerin picter : The Elder stood in the doorway, with a taller candle in his hand. Ho hadn't no wearin appeerel on except his night close, which fluttered in the breeze like a Seseshun flag. He sed, " You're a man of sin I" then groaned and went away. I went to sleep agin, and drempt of ruonin orf with the pretty little Shaker- esses, mounted on my Californy Bar. I thawt the Bar insisted on steerin strate for my dooryard in Baldinsville and that Betsey Jane cum out and giv us a warm recepshun with a pailful of Bilin water. I was woke up arly by the Elder. He said refreshments was rcddy for me down stairs. Then sayin I was a man <^ sin, he went groaning away. As I was goin threw the entry to the room where the vittles was, I cum across the Elder and the old female I'd met the night before, and what d'ye spose they was up to? Huggin and kissin like young lovers in their gushingist state. Sez I, " my Shaker friends, I reckon you'd better suspend the rules, and git marrid ! " " You must excoos Brother Uriah," sed the female ; " he's subjeck to fits and hain't got no command over hisself when he's into 'em." " Sartinly," sez I, " I've bin took that way myself frequent." " You lO f. man of sin ! " sed the Elder. Arter breakfust my little Shaker frenda cum in agin to clear away the dishes. " My pretty dears," sez I, " shall we yay agin ?" " Nay," they sed, and I nay'd. The Shakers axed me to go to their m^etin, as they was to hav sarvices that mornin, so I p^ -rlean bilcd rag and went. The"- ' se was as neat as a pin. The tc ■: ..)b white as chalk and smooth as glass. The Shakers was all on hand, in clean weskits and meal bags> ranged on the floor like milingtery com- panies, the mails on one side of the room and the femails on tother. They com- menst clappin their hands and singin and dancin. They danced kinder slow at fust, but as they got warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell you. Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right smart chance of spryness in his legs, considerin his time of life, and as he cum a dubble shuffle near where I sot, I rewarded him with a approvin smile and sed : *' Hunky boy I Go it, my gay and festiv cuss 1 " " You're a man of sin !" he sed, contin* nerin his shuffle. The Sperret, as they call it, tuen moved a short fat Shaker to say a few remarks. HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA. 9 Ho eed they was Shakers and all was ckal. They was the purest and selcckcst peplo on the yearth. Other peple was sinful as they could be, but Shakers was all right. Shakers was all goin kerslap to the Promist Land and nobody want goin to stand at the gate to bar 'cm out, if they did they'd git run over. The Shakers then danced and sung cgin, and arter they was threw, one of 'cm axed me what I thawt of it. Sez I, " What duz it siggerfy ?" "What?"sczlie. " Why this jumpin up and singin? This long wcskit bizniss, and* this anty- matrimony idee ? My frcnds, you air neat and tidy. Your lauds is flowiti with milk and honey. Your brooms is fine, and your apple sass is honest. When a man buys a kag of apple sass of you he don't find a grate many shavins under a iew layers of sass — a little Game I'm .sorry to say sum of my New Englau ancestors used to practiss. Your gardiug seeds is fine, and if I should sow' cm on the rock of Gibraltcr probly I should raise a good mess of garding sass. You air honest in your dealins. You air quiet and don't distarb nobody. For all this I givs you credit. But your religion is small pertaters, I must say. You mope away your lives here in single retchidncss, and as you air all by yourselves nothing over conflicts with your pecoolcr idees, except when Human Nater busts out among you, as I undcrstan she sumtimes do. [I giv Uriah a sly wink here, whic h made the old feller squirm like a speared Eel.] You wear long weskits and long faces, and lead a gloomy life indeed. No children's prattle is ever hearn around your harthstuns — you air in a dreary fog all the time, and you treat the jolly sun- shine of life as tho' it was a thief, drivia it from your doors by them weskits, and meal bags, and pecoolcr noshuns of youru. The gals among you, sum of which air as slick pieces of caliker as I ever sot eyes on, air syin to place their heads agin weskits which kiver honest, manly harts, while you old beds fool yerselves with the idee that they air fulfillin their mishun here, and air contented. Here you air, all pend up by yerselves, talkin about the sins of a world you don't know nothin of. IMcanwhilc said world continncrs to resolve round on her own axeltree onct in every 24 hours, subjcck to the Constitution of the United States, and is a very pleasant i>lace of residence. It's a unnatral, onreasonable an dismal life you're leadin here. So it strikes me. My Shaker friends, I now bid you a welcome adoo. You hav treated me cxceedin well. Thank you kindly, one and all. " A base exhibitor of depraved mon- keys and onprincipled wax works!" sed Uriah. " Hello, Uriah," sez I, " I'd most for- got you. Wall, look out for them fits of yourn, and don't catch cold and die in the flour of your youth and beauty." And I resoomcd my jerney. HIGH-H xNDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA. In the Faul of 1856, 1 showed my show in Utiky, a trooly grate sitty iu the State of New York. Tho people gave me a cordyal recepshun. The press was loud in her prases. 1 day as I was givia a descripshun of my Boosts an*^ Snaiks in my usual flowry stile what was my skorn & disgust to see a big burly feller walk up to the cage con- tainin my wax figgcrs of the Lord's Last Supper, and cease Judas Iscarrot by the feet and drag him out on the ground. He then commenced for to pound him as bard as he cood. . 10 CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. ; " What under the son are you abowt?" cried I. Sez he, " What did you bring this p. .- sylanermus cuss here fur ?" and he hit the wax figger another trenienjis blow on the hed. Sez I, " You egrcjus ass, that air's a wax figger — a represcntashun of the false Pestle." Sez he, " that's all very well fur you ta say, but I tell you, old man, that Judas Iscarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with impuncrty by a darn site I" with which observashun he kavcd in Judassis hed. The young man- belonged to one of the first famerlies in Utiky. I sood him and tho Joory brawt in a verdick of Arson in tho 3d degree. CELEBRxVTiON AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOR OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE. Baldinsvillo, Injianny, Sep the onct, 18&58. — I was summund homo from Cinsinnaty quite suddin by a lettur from the Supervizers of Baldiusvillc, sjiyin as how grate things was on the Tappis in that air town in refiferunsc to sellebratin the compleshun of the Sub-3Iershinc Teller- graph & askin me to be Prcssunt. Locldn up my Kangeroo and wax wurks in a sekure stile I took my departer for Bal- dinsville — " my own, ray nativ Ian," which I gut intwo at early kandlc litin on tho foUerin night & just as the sellerbrashun and illumernashun ware commcnsin. Baldinsvillo was trooly in a blaze of glory. Near can I forgit the surblime speckticul which met my gase as I alited from the Staige with my umbrellcr and verlise. The Tarvern was lit up with taller kandles all over and a grate bon fire was burnin in front thareof A Transpi- lancy was tied onto the sine post with the foUerin wurds — " Givus Liberty or Deth." Old Tompkinsis grosery was illuracrnated with 5 tin lantuns and the follerin Transpi- rancy was in the winder — " The Sub-Mcr- shine Tellergvaph & the Baldinsvillo and Stonefield Plank Road — the 2 grate eventz of tho 19th centerry — may intestines strife never mar their grandjure." Simpkinsis shoe shop was all ablaee with kandles and lantUDS. A American Eagle was painted «nto a flag in a winder — also those wurds, viz — " The Constitooshun must be Pre- sarvcd." The Skool house was lited up in grate stile and the winders was filld with mottoes amung which I notised tho follerin — " Trooth smashed to erth shall rize agin-rYOU can't stop der." " The Boy stood on the Burnin Deck whensc awl but him had Fled." " Pro- krastinasliun is the thcaf of Time." " Bo virtoous & you will be Happy." Intem- perunse has cawsed a heap of trubble — shun the Bole," an the follerin sentimunt written by the skool master, who graduated at nutlson KoUigc. " Buldinsville sends grcctin to her Magisty the Queen, & hopes all hard feelins which has heretofore previs bin felt between the Supervizers of Baldins-» villc and the British Parliamei ;, if such there has been, may now be forever wiped frum our Escutchuns. Baldinsvillo this night rejoiscs over the gerlorious event which sementz 2 grate nashuns onto ono anuther by means of a elecktric wire under the roarin billers of the Nasty Deep. QUOSQCE TANTRUM, A BUTTER, CaTER- LINY, PATENT NOSTRUM ! " Squire Smith's house was lited up regardlis of expense. His little sun William Henry stood upon the roof firin orf crackers. The old 'Sq e hisself was dressed up in soljer clothes and stood on his door step, pintin his sword sollumlj to a American flag which was suspendid on top of a pole in fVunt of hia- AMONG THE SPIRITS. 11 house. Frequiently he wood take orf his cecked hat & wave it round in'? impressive stile. His oldest darter Mis Isabeller Smith, who has just cum home from the Perkinsville Female Instertoot, appeared at the frunt winder in the AYest room as the goddis of liberty, Sc surg " I sec them on their wind in way." Booteus 1, sed I to myself, you air a angil & nothin shorter. N. Bonepurtc Smith, the 'Squire's oldest sun, drest hisself up as Venus the God of Wars and red the Dccleration of Inderpen- dunse from the left chambir winder. The 'Squire's wife didn't jine in the fcstiverties. She said it was the tarnulest nonsense she ever seed. Sez she to the 'Squire, " Cum into the house and go to bed you old fool, you. Tomorrer you'll be goin round half- ded with the rumertism & won't gin us a minit's peace till you get well." Sez the 'Squire " Betsey, you little apprcsiate the importance of the event which I this night commemerate." Sez she, " Comniciuerate a cut's tail — cum into the house this instunt, you pesky old critter." " Betsey," sez the 'Squire, wavin his sword, " retire." This made her just as mad as she could stick. She retired, but cum out agin putty quick with a panful of Bilin hot water wliich she throwod all over the 'Squire, & Surs, you would have split your sides larfin to see the old man jump up and holler & run into the house. Except this unpropishus circumstance all went as merry as a carriage bell, as Lord Byrun sez. Doctor Ilutchinsis offiss WiiS likewise lighted up and a Transpirancy on which was painted the Queen in the act of drinkin sum of " Hutchinsis invigorater," was stuck into one of the winders. The Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty noospaper offiss was also illuraernated, & the follerin mottoes stuck out — " The Press is the Arkermejian leaver which moves the world." " Vote Early." " Buckle on your Armer." " Now is the time to Subscribe." " Frank- lin, Morse & Field." " Terms 81.50 a year — liberal reducshuns to clubs." In short the villige of Baldinsville was in a perfect fewroar. I never seed so many people thar befour in my born days. ' He not attemp to describe the seens of that grate night. Wurds would falo me ef I shood try to do it. I shall stop hero a few periods and enjoy my " Oatem cum dig the tates," as our skool master obsarves, in the buzzum of my famerly, & shall then resume the show bisnis, which Ive bin into twenty two (22) yeres and six (G) months. AMONG THE SPIRITS. My naburs is mourn harf crazy on the new fanglcd idear about Spcrrets. Sper- retooul Sircles is held nitely & 4 or 5 long hared fellers has settled here and gone into the sperret biznis cxcloosively. A atcmt was made to git Mrs. A. Ward to embark into the Sperret biznis but the ateuit falea. 1 of the long hared fellers told her she was a ethereal creeter & wood make a sweet mejium, whareupon she attact him with a mop handle & drove him out of the house. I will hear obsarve that Mrs. Ward is a invalerble womun — the partner of my goys & the shairer of my sorrers. In my absuns^ she watchis my interest & things with a Eagle Eye & when I return she welcums me in afectionate stile. Trooly it is with us as it was with Mr. & Mrs. iNQOMEft iu the Play, to whit — 2 soles with but a single thawt 2 harts which beet as 1. My naburs injooced me to attend a Sper- retooul Sircle at Squire Smith's. When I arrove I found the east room chock full includin all the old maids in the villige & 12 AMONG THE SPIRITS. the long hared fellers a4sed. When I went in I was salootid with " hear cums the he- nited man " — " hear cums the hory-heded unbcleever " — " hear cums the skoffer at trooth," ctscttcry, etsettery. Scz I, *' my frens, it's troo I'm hear, & now bring on your Sperrcts." 1 of the long )' ;d fellers riz up and sed he would state a .tw remarks. He sed man was a crittci- of intelleck & was movin on to a Gole. Sum men had bigger intellecks than other men had and thay wood git to the ,Gole the soonerest. Sum men was beests & wood never git into the Golc at all. He sod the Erth was materiel but man was immaterial, and hens man was different from the Erth. The Erth, continncrcd the speaker, resolves round on its own axcltrcc onct in 24 hours, but as man haint gut no axeltrce he cant resolve. He sed the ethereal cssunce of the koordinate branehis of super- human natur becum mettymorfussed as man progrest in harmonial coexistunce & eventooally anty humanized theirsclves & turned into reglar sporrctuellers. [This was versifferusly' applauded by tlie cumpany, and as I make it a pint to get along as pleasant as possible, I sung out " bully for you, old boy."] ^ , The cumpany then drew round the table and the Sirclc koumienst to go it. Thay axed me if thare was anbody in the Sperret land which I wood like to convarse with. I sed if Bill Tompkins, who was onct my partner in the show biznis, was sober, I should like to convarse with liim a few periods. "Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present?" sed 1 of the long hared chaps, and there was three knox on the table. Scz I, "Williim, how goze it, Old Sweetness?" " Pretty ruff, old boss," he replidc. That was a pleasant way we had of ad- dressin each other when he was in the flesh. " Air you in the show biznii;, William," sed I. He sed he was. He sed he & John Bunyan was travelin with a side show in connection with Shakspere, Jonson & Cj.'s Circus. He sed old Bun (meanin Mr. Bunyan,) stired up the animils & ground the organ while he tended door. Occashun- ally Mr. Bunyan sung a comic song. The Circus was doin middlin well. Bill Shak- speer had made a grate hit with old Bob llidlcy, and Ben Jonson was delitin the peple with his trooly grate ax of hossman- ship without saddul or bridal. Thay was rchcrsin Dixey's Land & expected it would knock the peple. Sez I, "William, my luvly frend, can you pay me that 13 dollars you owe me?" lie sed no with one of the most tremenjis knox I ever experiuused. The Sircle sed he had gone. " Air you gone William ? " I axed. " Rayther," If rcplide, and I knowd it was no use to pur- soo the subjeck furder. I then called fur my farther. <' How's things, daddy ? " '•' Middlin, my son, middlin." " Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy ? " " Scaccly," " Why not, my parient ? " " Bccawz you hav gone to writin for the noos papers, my son. Bimcby you'll lose all your character for trooth and verrasserty. When I hclpt you into the show biznis I told you to dignerfy that there profeshun. Litteratoor is low." He also statid that he was doin middlin well in the peanut biznis & liked it putty well, tho' the climit was rather warm. When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it. Sez I, " my frends I've bin into the show biznis now goin on 23 years. Theres a artikil in the Constitooshun of the United States which sez [n effeck that everybody may think just as he darn pleazes, & them is my sentiments to a hare. You dowtlis beleevc this Sperret doctrin while I think it is a little mixt. Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out & out Sperret rapper he loeves orf workin, lets his hare grow ""all y ON THE WING. 13 over his fase & commensis spungin his livin out of other peple. lie cats all the dick- shunaries he can find & goze round chock full of hig words, scareia the wiinmin folks & little children & destroyin the piece of mind of cvry famerlce he enters. Ho don't do nobody no <;ood & is a cuss to society & ft pirit on honest peple's corn beef barrils. Admittin all you say abowt the doctrin to be troo, I must say the rcglar perfessional Sperrit rappers — them as makes a biznis on it — air abowt the most ornery set of cusses I ever enkountered in my life. So sayin I put on my surtoot and went home, llcspectably Yurcs, Artemus Ward, i Don't Spear me ag'm, if you please.* ON THE WING. €ents of the Editofal Corpse: — Smcc I last rit you I've met with im- mense success a sbowin my show in varis places, particly at Detroit. I put up at Mr. Russel's tavern, a very good tavern too, but I am sorry to inform you that the clerks tried to cum a Gouge Game on me. I brand- ished my new sixteen dollar huntin-cascd watch round considerable, & as I was drcst in my store clothes & had a lot of sweet- fioented wagon prronse on my hair, I am flee to confess that I thought I lookt putty gay. It never once struck me that I lookt green. But up steps a clerk & axes me hadn't I better put my watch in the Safe. " Sir," sez I, **that watch cost sixteen dollars 1 Yes Sir every dollar of it 1 You can't cum it over me my boy ! Not at all, Sir." I know'd what the clerk wanted. He wanted that watch liimself. He wanted to make believe as the he lockt it up in the safe, 14 ON THE WINCk then he would set the house a fire and pro- tend as the the watch was destroyed with the other property I But he caught a To- marter when he got hold of inc. From Detroit I go West'ard hoe. On the card was a he-lookin female, with a green-cotton umbreller in one hand and a handful of Reform tracks the other. She sed every woman should have a Spear.- Them as didn't demand their Spears, didn't know what was good for them. " What is my Spear? " she axed, addressin the people in the cars. " Is it to stay at home & darn stoekins & be the ser-lavc of iv domincerin man ? Or is it my Spear to vote & speak & show myself the ckal of man ? Is there a sister in these keers that has her proper Spear ? " Sayin which the eccentric female whirled her umbreller round several times, & finally jabbed me in the weskit with it. "I hav no objccshuns to your goin into 'the Spear bizness," sezT, " but youH please remember I ain't a pickeril. Don't Spear me agin, if you please." She sot down. At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sud- den faintness, I called for a drop of suthin to drink. As I was stirrin the beverage up, . a pale-faced man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my shoulder, &'sed, " Look not upon the wine when it is red ! " Sez I, " this ain't wine. This is Old Rve." ~ "It stingeth like a Adder andhiteth like a Sarpent I" sed the man. " I guess not," sed I, " when you put sugar into it. That's the way I allers take mine." "Have you sons grown up. Sir?" the man axed. " Wall," I rcplide, as I put myself out- side my beverage, " my son Artemus junior is goin on 18." " Ain't you afraid if you set this example b4 him he'll cum to a bad end ? " " He's cum to a waxed end already. He's learn in the shoe makin bizness,'' I replide. " I guess we can both on us git along with- out your assistance, Sir," I obsarved, aa he was about to open his mouth agin. " This is a cold world ! " sed the man. " That's so. But you'll get into a warmer* one by and by if you don't mind your own bizness better." I was a little riled at the feller, because I never take anythin only when t'm onwell. I arter wards learned lie was a temperance lecturer, and if ho can injuce men to stop settin their inards on fire with the frightful licker which is retailed round the country, I shall hartily rejoice. Better give men Prusick Assid to onct, than to pizen 'em to deth by degrees. At Albion I nice with overwhelmin suc- cess. The celebrated Albion Female Seme* nary is located here, & there air over 300 young ladies in the Institushun, pretty enough to eat without seasonin or saas. The young ladies was very kind to me, volun- teerin to pin my handbills onto the backs of their dresses. It was a surblime site to see over 300 young ladies goin round with a advertisement of A. Ward's on- paraleld show, conspickusly posted onto their dresses. They've got a Panick up this way and refooze to take Western money. It never was worth much ; and when western men, who know what it is, refooze to take their own money it is about time other folks stopt bandiin it. Banks are bustin every day, goin up higher nor any balloon of which wo hav any record. These western bankers air a sweet & luvly set of men. I wish I owned as good a house as some of 'em would break intol Virtoo is its own reward. A. Ward, A' O .^' It is with noordernary fepHns of Shagrin & indignashun that I rite you these here lines. Sum of tho hiest and r^c.t purest feelihs whitch actooatc tho humin hart has bia trampt onto. The American flag has bin outrajcd. Ivc bin nussin a Adder in my Boozum. The fax in the kuse is these here: A few weeks ago i iv.:'t Baldinsvillc to go to N. Y. fur to git out my flamin yeller hanbills fur the Summer kampanc, & as I was peroosin a noospaper on the kars a mid- del aged man in spcckterkuls kum & sot down beside onto no. He was drcst in black close & was appeerently as fine a man as ever was. " A fine day Sir," he did unto me stratc- way say. " Middlin," sez I, not wishin to kommit myself, tho ho peered to be as fine a man as there was in the wurld — It is a middlin fine day Square,' I obsarved. Sez he, " How fares the Ship of State in yure regine of country ?" Sez I, " We don't hav no ships in our State — the kanawl is our best holt." He pawsed a minit and then sed, " Air yu aware. Sir, that the krisis is with us !" " No," sez I, getting up and lookin un- der the sect, " whare is she ?" " It's hear — it's everywhares," he sed. Sez I, " Why how you tawk !" and I gut up again & lookt all round. " I must say my fren," I continnered, as I resoomed my sect, " that I kan't see nothin of no krisis myself." I felt sumwhat alarmed, & arose & in a stentowrian voice obsarved that if any lady or gentleman in that there kar had a krisis consealed abowt their persons they'd better projuce it to onct or sufier the konsequences. Several individoouls snick- ered rite out, while a putty little damscU rite behind me in a pine gown made the ob- servashun, " He, he." ROON. " Sit down, my frend," sed the man in bl;ick "lose, " yu miscomprehend me. I raccn that the pcrlittercal eHermunts are orecast with black kloud?-, 4boden a friteful storm." " Wall," replidc I, " in regard to pcrlit- tercal ellcrfunts I don't know as how but what they is as good as cnny other kind of ellcrfunts. But I maik bold to say thay is all a ornery set & unpleasant to hav round. They air powerful bevy eaters & take up a right smart chans of room, & besides thay air as ugly and revenjeful as a Cusscaroarus Injun, with 13 inches of corn whisky in his stummick." The man in black close seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in tho wurld. lie smilt & sed praps I was rite, tho it was tllermunts in- stid of ellcrfunts that ho was alludin to, & axed me what was my prinscrpuls ? " I haint gut enny," sed I — •'' not a prinserpul; luie in the show biznis." Tho man ia black close, I will hear obsarve, seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in the wurld. " But," sez he, " you hav feelins into you ? You cimpathize with the misfortunit, the loly & the hart-sick, don't you?" He' bu3t into tccrs and axed me ef I saw that yung lady in the scet out yonder, pintin to as slick a looking gal as I ever seed. Sed I, "12 be shure I see her — is she mutch sick ? The man in black close was appeerently as fine a man as ever was in the wurld ennywhares. " Draw closter to me," sed the man in black close. " Let me git my mowth fernenst yure ear. Hush— SHESE A Octoroon !" " No !' sez I, gittin up in a exsited manner, " yu don't say so 1 How long has she bin in that way ?" " Frura her arliest infuncy," sed he. " Wall, whot upoa arth dua she doc it fur ?" I inquired. 16 THE OCTOROON. " She kan't help it," sed the man in black close. " It's the brand of Kane." " Wall, she'd better stop drinkin Kane's brandy," I 'eplide. " I sed the brand of Kane was upon her — not brandy, my frcn. Yurc vory obtoose." I was konsidcrbul riled at this. Sez I, *' My gentle Sir Imc a nonrcsistantcr as a ginral thing, & don't want to git up no rows with nobuddy, but I kin nevorthelcs kave in enny man's bed that calls mc a obtoos," \yith whitch remarks I kommcnct fur to pull orf my cxtry garmiats. " Cum on," sez I — " Time ! bear's the Beniki Boy fur ye !" & I darnced round like a poppit. lie riz up in his sect & axed my pardin — sed it was all a mistake — that I was a good man, etsettery, & sow 4th, & we fixt it all up pleasant. I must say the man in black close seamed to be as fine a man a:: ever lived in the wurld. He sed a Octoroon was the 8th of a ncgrow. He likewise statid that the female he was travelin with was formurly a slave in Mississippy ; that she'd purchist her freedim & now wantid to pur- chiss the freedim of her poor old muther, who (the man in black close obsarved) was between 87 years of age & had to do all the cookin & washin for 25 hired men, whitch it was rapidly breaking down her konstitus- hun. He sed he knowed the mihit he gazed onto my klassic & beneverlunt fase that I'd donate libruUy & axed me to go over & see her, which I accordinly did. I act down beside her and sed *.' yure Sarvant, Marm I How do yer git along ?" She bust in 2 teers & said, "0 Sur, I'm 80 retchid— I'm a poor unfortunit Octoroon." " So I lam. Yure rather more lloon than Octo, I take it," sed I, fur I never seed a puttier gal in the hullendoorin time of my life. She had on a More Antic Barsk & a Poplin Nubier with Berage trimmins onto it, while her Isc & kuls waa enuff to make a man jump into a mill pond without biddin his relashuns good by. I pittid the Octoroon from the inmost I recusses of my haft & bawled out 60 dollers kcr slap, & told her to buy her old muther as soon as posserbul. Sez she *' kinc sir mutch thanks." She then lade her lied over onto my showlder & sod I was " old rats." I was astonished to beer this obsarvation, which I knowd was never used in refined society & I perlitcly but enxfat tercly shovd her bed away. • Sez I " Marm, I'm trooly sirprized." Sez she, " git out. Yure the uicist old man Ive seen yit. Give us another 50!" Had a selcck assortment of the most trcmenjious tiiunderbolts dceendcd down onto me I couldn't hav bin more takin aback. I jumpt up, but she ceased my coat talcs & in a wild voisc cridc, '• No, He never dcsart you — let us fli together to a furrin shoor !" Sez I, " not mutch we wout," and I made a powerful effort to get awa from her. " This is plado out," I sed, whereupon she jerkt me back into the sect. '• Leggo my coat, you scandaluss female," I roared, when she set up the most unarthly yellin and hollcrin you ever hcerd. The passinjers & the gentlemenly kondueter rusht to the spot, & I don't think I ever cxperiunsed sich a rumpus in tha hull coarse of my - natral dase. The man in black close rusht up to me & sed " How dair yu insult my neece, you horey heded vagabone. You base exhibbiter of loyr wax figgers — yu woolf in sheep's close," & sow 4th. I was konfoozed. I was a loonytick fur the time bein, and offered 85 reward to enny gentleman of good morrul carracter who wood tell me whot my name was & what town I livd into. The konductor kum to me & sed the insultid parties wood settle for $50, which I immejitly hawled out, & agane implored sumbuddy to state whare I was prinsipully, & if I shood be thare a grate while myself ef things went on as they'd bin goin fur sum time back. I then axed if there was enny more Octoroons . present, " becawz," sez I, " ef there is, let urn cum along, fur'Ime in the Octoroon EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR.— OBER LIN. 17 lunisB." I then threw my specterculs out of the winder, smasht my hat wildly down over my Is?, larfed highsterically & fell under a sect. I lay there sum time & fell aaleep. I dreamt Mrs. Ward & the twins had bin carrid orf by Rycnosrferhosscs & that Baldinsvillo had bin eaptercd by a •rmy of Octoroons. When I awokcd the lamps was a burnin dimly. Sum of the passinjers was a snorein like pawpusscB & the little damsell in the pino gown was a singin " Oft in the Silly nite." The onprinsipuld Octoroon & the miserbul man in black close was gone, & all of a suddent it flasht ore my brane that I'd* bin swindild. EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR. In the Ortum of 18 — my frcnd, the editor of tho Baldinsvillo Bugle, was obleged to leave perfeshernal dooties & go & dig hia taters, & he axed me to edit for him doorin his absence. Accordinly I ground up his Shears and commenced. It didn't take me a grate while to slash out copy cnuff from the xchanges for one issoo, and I thawt I'd ride up to the next town on a little Jaunt, to rest my Branes which had bin severely rackt by my mental efforts. (This is sorter Ironical.) So I went over to the Rale Rood offiss and axed the Sooprintendent for a pars. " You a editor ?" he axed, evijently oti the pint of snickerin. " Yes, Sir," sez I, " don't I look poor enuff?" " Just about," sed he, "but our Road can't pars you." « Can't, hay ?" " No Sir— it can't." " Becawz," sez I, lookin him full in thb face with a Eagle eye, " it goes so darned slow it can' t pars anybody I" Methinks I had him thar. It's the slowest Rale Road in the West. With a mortifi'ed air, he told me to git out of his offiss. I pittid him and went. - " . OBERLIN. About two years ago I arrove in Oberlin, Ohio. Oberlin is wharo the celebrated college is. In fack, Oberlin is the college, everything else in that air vicinity resolvin arouiid excloosivly for the benefit of that institution. It is a very good college, too, & a grate many wurthy yung men go there annooally to git intelleck into 'em. But its niy onbiassed 'pinion that they go it rather too strong on Ethiopians at Oberlin. But that's nun of my bizness. I'm into the Show bianiss. Yit as a faithful historan I must menshun the fack that on rainy dase white peplo can't find their way threw the streets without the gas is lit, there bein such a numerosity of cullerd pussons in the town. As I was sayin, I arroved at Oberlitt, and called on Perfesser Peck for the purpusa of skewevin Kolonial Hall to exhibit my wax works and beests of Pray into. Kolo- nial Hall is in the college, and is used by tho stujents to speak peaces and read essays into. Sez Perfesser Peck, "Mister Ward, I don't know 'bout this bizniss. What are your sentiments ?" Sez I, " I hain't got any." " Good God I" cried the Perfesser, " did I understan you to say you hav no sen- timents?" " Nary a sentiment!" sez I. " Mister Ward, don't your blud bile at the thawt that three million and a half 18 THE SnOWiMANS COURTSHIP. 'of your culled brethren air a clankin their chains in the South ?" Scz I, " not a bile ! Let 'cm clank !" Ho was about to continncr liis flowry speech when I put a stopper on him. Scz I, •' Pertesser Peck, A. Ward is my name & Ameriky ia my nashun ; I'm allers the same, tlio' humble is my station, and I've bin in the show bizniss goin on 22 years. The pint is, can I hav your Hall by pa^iu a fair price ? You air full of sentiments. That's your lay, while I'm a exhibitor of startlin curi9sitic3. What d'ye say ?" " Mister Ward, you air endowed with a bily practical mind, and while I dccjily regret that you air devoid of sentiments, I'll let you hav the hall provided your exhibition is of a moral & elevatin natcr." Sez I, " Tain't nothin shorter." So I opened in Kolonial Hall, which was crowded every nito with stujents, &c. Perfesscr Finny gazed for hours at my Kangaroo, but when that sagashus but onprincipled little cuss set up one of his onarthly yellins and I proceeded to boss- whip him, the Perfesscr objected. " Suflfcr not your angry pashuns to rise up at the poor annimil's little exccntrissitics," said the Perfesscr. "Do you call such conduck as those a little exccntrissity ?" I axed. " I do," sed be, cayin which ho walked up to the cage and sez he, " lei's try moral BWashun upon the poor erector." So ho put his hand upon the Kangeroo's bed and Bed, " poor little fcUcr — poor little feller — youT master is very crooil, isn't lie^ my untootered frend," when the Kangaroo, with a terrific yell, grabd the Perfes-scr by the hand and cum very near chawin it orf. It was auioozin to sec the Pesfesser jump up and scream with pane. Sez I, " that'.s one of the poor little feller's cxcentrisMities I" Sez he, " Mi.stcr Ward, that's a danger- ous quadruped. He's totally depraved. I will retire and do my lasserated hand up in a rag, and meanwhile I re(jueBt you to mcut out summery and severe punish- ment to the vishus bcest." I hosswhipt tho little cuss for upwards 15 minutes. Guess I licked sum of his cxcentrissity out of him. Oberlin is a grate plase. The College opens with a prayer and then the New York Tribune is read. A kolleckshun is then taken up to buy ovcrkoats with red horn buttons onto them for the indignant cullurcd people of Kanady. I liave to con- tribit librally two the glowrius work, as they kawl it hear. I'm kompcUcd by the Fackulty to reserve front sects in my show for tho cuUercd pople. At the Uoardin House the cuUorcd jicple ^it at the fiist table. What they Iceve is maid into hash for the white pcplc. As I don't like the idee of catin my vittlcs with Hlliiopians, I sit at the scckind table, and the konscqucucc is I've devowcrcd so much hash that my inards is in a bily mixt up condishun. Fish bones hav maid tlieir appearance all over my boddy and pcrtnter pecUns air a springin up through n)y hair. Ilowsever I don't mind it. I'm gittin along well in a pccuncry pint of view. The College has konfired upon me the lionery title of T.K., of which I'm suilishuully prowd. THE SHOV^MAN'S COURTSHIP. Thare was many affectin ties which made mo hanker arter Betsy Jane. Her father's farm jined our'n ; their cows and our'n squencht their thurst at the same spring ; our old mares both had stars in their forrerds; the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the same period ' our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in tb.e same meetin house, and the nabers used to obsarve, " How thick the Wards and Peasleys air 1" It was a Burblime site, in the Spring of the THE CRISIS. 19 year, to sec our scvrnl motlicrs (Betsy's and mine) with their gowns pin'd up so thay coulJ'nt silo 'em, affecshunitly Bi'in sopc together & aboozin the nabcrs. Ahho J hankord intcnsly artcr the objeck of my affocshuns, I dursunt toll her of the fires wliich was rajin in my manly Buzzum. I'd try todoitbutmytung would kcrwoUup up agin the roof of my mowth k slick thar, like deth to a descast Afrikan or a country postmaster to his ofifiss, while my hart whanged agin my rib.s like a old fashioned wheat Flalc agin a barn flgor. T'was a carra still nitc in Joon. All natcr was liusht and nary zeffcr disturbed the screen silons. I sot with Betsy Jane on the fense of her father's pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods, kuUin flours & drivin the woodchuck from his Nativ Lair (so to speak) with long sticks. Wall we sot thar on the fense, a swi.igin our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the Buld- insvilleskool house when it was fust painted, and looking very simple, I make no doubt. My left arm was ockcpicd in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my rite was woundid luvinly round her waste. I cleared my throat and trcmblinly sod, " Betsy you're a Gazelle." I tliought that air was putty fine. I waited to sec what cffcck it would hav upon licr. It evidently didn't fetch her, for she up and 8cd, "You're a sheep !" Scz I, " Betsy, I think very muchly of you." " I don't b'lccve a word you say — so there now cum I" with which obsarvashun she hitclicd away from me. " I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, " so that you could sec some of my feelins. There's fire enuff in here," sed I, strikin my buzzura with my fist, " to bile all tho corn beef and turnips in the naber- hood. Versoovius and the Critter ain't a circumstans!" She bowd her bed down and commcnsl chawin the strings to her sun bonnet. " Ar could you know the slecplis nites I worry threw with on your account, how Tittles has seized to be aitractiv to mo & how my lims has shrunk up, you wuuld'nt dowt me. Gasc on this wastin form and these 'ere sunken checks" — I should liave continncred on in this stranc probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost my ballunse and fell over into the pastur kcr smash, tcarin my close and scvcerly damagin myself ginerally. Betsy Jano sprung to my assistance in dubblc quick time and dragged me 4th. Then drawiu herself up to her full bite she sed: '•I won't listen to your nonccnts no longer. Jes say rite strate out what you're drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, I'M IN I" I considered that air enuff for all practicul purpusses, and wo proceeded immcjitly to the parson's, & was made 1 that very nite. ( Xotiss to the Printer : Put some stars here.) :■: :•< JiJ iji Hs ,V if: I've parst threw many tryin ordools sins then, but Betsy Jane lias bin troo as steel. By attcndin stri.ckly to bizniirs I've amarsed a handsum Pittance. No man on this foot- stool can rise & git up &; say I ever know- inly injcrcd no man or wimmiu folks, while all agree that my Show is ckallod by few and exccld by none, enibracin as it does a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Becsts of Pray, snaix in grate profushun, a endliss variety of life-sise wax figgers, & the only traned kangaroo in Ameriky — the most amoozin little cuss ever introjuced to -a discriminatia public. .'^, THE CRISIS. ; I ' I ii.' Shall the Star Spangled Banner be cut into dish clothg?" THE cmsis* [This Oration vraa delivered before the com- mencement of the war.] On returnin to my humsted in Baldins- ville, Injianny, resuntly, my feller sitterzcns extended a invite for mo to norate to 'em on the Krysis. I excepted and on larst Toosday nitc I pearcd be4 a C of upturned faces in the Red Skool House.. I spoke nearly as follers : . Baldinsvillins : ncarto4, as I have nu- merously obsarved, I have abstrained from having any sentimunts or principles, my poUertics, like my religion beiu of a exceedin accommodatin character. But the fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us, and I feel it's my dooty to accept your invite for one consecutive nite only. I spose the inflammertory individooals who assisted in producing this Krysis know what good she will do, but I ain't 'shamed to state that I don't scacely. But the Kry- sis is hear. She's bin hear for sevral weeks, and Goodness nose how long she'll stay. But I venter to assert that she's rippin things. She's knockt trade into a cockt up hat and chaned Biznoss of all kinds tighter nor I ever chaned any of my livin wild Beeats. Alow me to hear dygress and stait that my Boosts at present is as harmless as the new- 4)orn Babe. Ladys and gentlemen needn't hav no fears on that pint. To resoom — Altho I can't exactly see what good thia Krysis can do, I can very quick say what the origemal cawz of her is. The origernal cawz is Our Afrikan Brother. I was into Barnim's ]Moozeum down to New York the other day and saw that exsentric Etheopian, the What Is It. Sez I, «' Mister What la It, you folks air raisin thunder with this grate country. You're gettin to be ruther THE CRISIS. moro numcris than iDtcrcstio. It is a pity you coodent go orf somewbares by yourselves and bo a natioo of What Is Its, tho' if you'll exooose mc, I shoodcn't care about marryin among you. No dowt you're czceedin charm- in to hum, but your stile of luvliness isn't adapted to this cold climit. Uo larfcd into my face, which rather Riled mc, as I had been pcrfcckly virtoous and respectable in my obscrvashuns. So sez I, tumin a lectio red in the face I spect, " Do you hav the un- blushin impoodents to say you fo'ks haven't raised a big mess of thunder in this brite land, Mister What Is It ?" Ho larfed agin, wusser nor be4, whareupon I up and sez, ** Go home, Sir, to Afriky's burnin shores & take all the other What Is Its along with you. Don't think we can't spair your inte- restin picters. You What Is Its air on the pint of smashin up the greatest Guv'ment ever erected by man, & you actooally hav the owdassity to larf about it. Go home, you low cuss!" I was workt up to a high pitch, & I pro- ceeded to a Restorator & cooled orf with some little fishes biled in ile — I b'leeve they , call 'em sardeens. Feller Sitterzuns, the Afrikan may be Our Brother. Sevral hily respectyble gentlemen, and some talentid females tell us 80, & fur argyment' sake I mite be injooced to grant it, tho' I don't beleeve it my- self. But the Afrikan isn't our sister & our wife & our uncle. He isn't sevral of our brothers and all our fust wife's relashuns. He isn't our grandfather, and our grate grandfather, and our Aunt in the country. Scacely. And yit numeris persons would have us think so. It's troo he runs Congress and sevral other public grosserys, but then he ain't everybody and everybody else likewise. [Notisa to biznesa man of Vanity Fair : Extry charg fur this larst remark. It's a goak. — A. W.] But we've got the Afrikan, or ruther he's got us, & now what air we going to do about it? He's a orful noosanse. Praps he isn't to blame fur it. Praps he was creatid fur some wise purpuss, like the measles and New Englan Rum, but it's mity hard to sco it. At any rate he's no good hero, & as I statid to Mister What Is It, it's a pity he cooden't go orf sumwhares quietly by hisself, whare he cood wear red weskits & speckled neckties, & gratterfy his ambishan varis in- tcrestin wase, without havia a eternal fuss kickt up about him. Praps I'm bearin down too hard upon Cuffy. Cum to think on it, I am. He wooden't be sich a infernal noosanse if white peple would let him alone. He mite indeed be interestin. And now I think of it, why can't the white peple let him alone. What's the good of continnorly stirrin him up with a ten-foot pole? He isn't the sweetest kind of Perfoomery when in a natral stait. Feller Sitterzens, the Union's in danger. The black devil Disunion is trooly here, starein us all sq^uarcly in the face I We must drive him back. Shall we make a second Mexico of ourselves ? Shall we sell our birthrite for a mess of potash ? Shall one brother put the knife to the throat of anuther brother? Shall we mix our whisky with each other's blud ? Shall the star spangled Banner be cut up into dish- cloths ? Standin here in this here Skool- house, upon my nativ shore so to speak, I anser — Nary I Oh you fellers who air raisin this row, & who in the fust place startid it, I'm 'shamed of you. The Showman blushes for you, from his boots to the topmost hair upon his wenerable bed. Feller Sitterzens, I am in the Sheer & Teller leaf. I shall peg out 1 of these daae. But while I do stop here I shall stay in the Union. I know not what the supervizers of BaldinsviUe may conclude to do, but for one, I shall stand by the Stars & Stripes.' Under no circumstances what- somever will I sesesh. Let every Stait in the Union sesesh & let Palmetter flogs flote thicker nor shirts on Square Baxter's close line, still will I stick to the good old flag. 22 WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE, The country may go to the devil, but I won't! And next Summer when I start out on my campane with my Show, whare- ever I pitch iny little tent, you shall see floatin prowdly from the centre pole thereof the Amerikan Flag, with nary a star wiped out, nary a stripe less, but the same old flag that has allers flotid thar! & the price of admishun will be the same it allers was — 15 cents, children half price. Feller Sitterzens, I am dun. Accordinly I squatted. WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE. Onto the Mr. "Rditor: 1 take my Pen in hand to inform yu that I'm in good helth and trust these few lines will find yu injoyin the same blessins. I wood also state that I'm now on the summir kampane. As the Poit sez — ime erflote, ime erflote On the swift roUin tied An the Bovir is free. Bizness is scacely middlin, but Sirs I manige to pay for my foode and raiment puncktooally and without no grumblin. The barked arrers of slandur has bin leviled at the undersined moren onct sins heze bin into the show bizness, but I make bold to say no man on this footstule kan troothfuUy say I ever rongedhim or eny of bis folks. I'm travelin with a tent, which is better nor hirin hauls. My show konsists of a serious of wax works, snakes, a paneramy kalled a Grand Movin Diarea of the War in the Crymear, komic songs and the Cangeroo, which larst little cuss continners to konduct hisself in the most outrajus stile. I started out witu the idear of makin my show a grate Moral Entertainment, but I'm kompelled to sware so much at that air infumal Kangeroo that I'm frade this dcsine will be flustratid to some extent. And while speakin of morrality, remines - me that some folks turn up their nosis at shows like mine, sayin they is low and not fit to be patremized by peple of high degree. Sirs, I manetane that this is infemul nonsense. I manetane that wax figgers is more elevatin than awl the plays WINO- -1869. everwroten. Take Shakespeer forinstunse. Peple think heze grate things, but I kontend heze quite the reverse to the kontrary. What sort of sense is thare to King Leer who goze round cussin his darters, chawing hay and throin straw at folks, and larfin like a silly old koot and makin a ass of hisself ginerally ? Thare's Mrs. Mackbeth — sheze a nise kind of woomon to have round aint she, a puttin old Mack, her husband, up to slayin Bunkan with a chceze knife, while heze payin a frendly visit to their house. its hily morral, I spoze, when she larfs wildly and sez, "gin me the daggurs — He let hi* bowels out," or wurds to that effeck — I eay, this is awl strickly proper I spoze? That Jack Fawlstarf is likewise a immoral old cuss, take him how ye may, and Hamlick is as crazy as a loon. Thare's Richurd the Three peple think heze grate things, but I look upon him in the lite of a monkster. He kills everybody he takes a noshun to in kold blud, and then goze to sleep in his tent. Bimeby he wakes up and yells for a boss so he kan go orf and kill sum more peple. If he isent a fit spesserman for the gallers then I shood like to know whare you find um. Thare's largo who is more ornery nor pizun. See how shaimful he treated vhat hily respecterble injun gentlemun, Mister Otheller, makin him for to beleeve his wife was two thick with Casheo. Obsarve how largo got Casheo drunk as a biled owl on corn whisky in order to karry out his sneckin desines. See how he wurks AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. 23 Mister Otheller's feelins up so that he goze aad makes poor Dcsdcmony swaller a piller "Which causes her deth. But I must stop. At sum future time I shall coDtinner ray remarks on the draracr in which I shall show the varst supecriority of wax figgers and snakes over theater plays, in a inter- lectooal pint of view. Ver** Respectively ynres^ A. Ward, T. K. AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.* Some years ago I pitched my tent and onfurled my banner to the breeze, in Berlin Hites, Ohio. I had beam that Berlin Hites was ockepied by a extensive seek called Free Lovers, who beleeved in affinertys and sich, goin back on their domestic ties without no hesitation whatsomever. They was like- wise spirit rappers and high presher refor- mers on gineral principles. If I can im- prove these 'ere misgided peplc by showin them my onparallcld show at the usual low price of admitants, methunk, I shall not hav lived in vane ! But bitterly did I cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid place. I sot up my tent in a field near the Love cure, as they called it, and bimeby the free lovers begun for to congregate around the door. A ornreer set I have never sawn. The men's faces was all covered with hare and they lookt half-starved to deth. They didn't wear no weskuts for the purpuss (as they sed) of allowin the free air of hevun to blow onto their boozums. Their pockets was filled with tracks and pamplits and they was bare-footed. They sed the 'Postles didn't wear boots, & why should they? That was their stile of argyment. The wimin was wuss than the men. They wore trowsis, short gownds, straw hats with green ribbins, and all carried bloo cotton um- brellers. Presently a perfeckly orful lookin female * Some queer people, calling themselves " Free Lovers," and possessing very original ideas abont life and morality, established them- selves at Berlin Heights, in Ohio, a few years since. Public opinion was resistlessly against them, however, and the association was soon di abanded. presented herself at the door. Her gownd was skanderlusly short and her trowsis was shameful to behold. She eyed me over very sharp, and thea startin back she sed, in a wild voice : " Ah, can it be ?" "Which?" sed L " Yes, 'tis troo, 'tis troo I" "15 cents, marm," I anserd. She bust out a cryin, & sed : " And so I hav found you at larst — at larst, Oatlaidt!" " Yes," I anserd, " you have found me at larst, and you would have found me at fust, if you had cum sooner." She grabd me vilently by the coat collar,^ and brandishin her umbreller wildly round^ exclaimed : " Air you a man ?" ' " Sez I, " I think I air, but if you doubt it, you can address Mrs. A. Ward, Baldins- ville, Injiai , y, postage pade, & she will probly giv you the desired informashun." " Then Uiou ist what the cold world calls marrid ?" "Madam, listest!" The cxscntric female then clutched me franticly by the arm and hollerd : " You air mine, you air mine!" " Scacely," 1 sed, endeverin to git loose from her. But she clung to me and sed : " You air my Affinerty 1" " What upon arth is that ?" I shouted. "Dost thou not know?" "No, Idostent!" " Listin man, & I'll tell ye 1" sed the strange female ; " for years I hav yearned for thee. I knowd thou wast in the world, sumwhares, tho I didn't know whare. M^ 24 SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURGH. hart sed he would cum and I took courage. He has cum — ^he's here — ^you air him — you air my Affinerty ! 'tia too mutch ! too mutch !" and she sobbed agin. " Yes," I anserd, " I think it is a darn site too mutch 1" " Hast thou not yearned for me ?" she yelled, ringin her hands like a female play acter. . " Not a yearn," I bellerd at the top of my voice, throwin her away from me. The free lovers who was standin round obsarvin the scene commenst for to holler " shame !" " beast," etsettery, etsettery. I was very mutch riled, and fortifyin myself with a spare tent stake, I addrest them as follers : " You pussylanurmus critters, go way from me and take this retchid woman with you. I'm a law-abidin xaan, and bleeve in good, old-fashioned institutions. I am married & my orfsprings resemble me if I am a showman ! I think your Affinity bizniss is cussed noncents, besides bein outrajusly wicked. Why don't you behave desunt like other folks ? Go to work and caiii a honist livin and not stay round here in this lazy, shiftless way, pizenin the moral atmosphere with your pestifrous idees I You wimin folks go back to your lawful husbands if you've got any, and take orf them skanderlous gownds and trowsis, and dress respectful like other wimin. You men folks, cut orf thorn pirat- tercal whiskers burn up them infumel pamp- lits, put sum weskuts on, go to work choppin wood, splittin fence rales, or tillin the sile. I pored 4th my indignashun in this way till I got out of breth, when I stopt. I shant go to Berlin Hites agin, not if I live to be as old as Methooseler. SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBUHGH. Hear in the Buzzum of my famerly I am enjoyn myself, at peas with awl mankind and the wimmin folks likewise. I go down to the village ockashunly and take a little old Bye fur the stummuck's sake, but I avoyd spiritus lickers as a ginral thing. No man evir seen me intossikated but onct, and that air happind in Pittsburg. A parsel of ornery cusses in that luvly sity bustid inter the hawl during the nite and Aooosed my wax works shaimful. I didnt obsarve the outrajus transachuns ontil the next evening when the peple begun for to kongregate. Suddinly thay kommensed fur to larf and holler in a boysterious stile. Sez I, good peple what's up ? Sez thay them's grate wax wurks, isn't they, old man. I immejitly looked up ter whare the wax works was and my blud biles as I think of the site which then met my Gase. I hope two be dodrabbertid if them afoursed raskals hadent gone and put a old kaved in hat enter George Washington's hed and shuved a short black klay pipe inter his mouth. His noze thay had painted red and his trowsis legs they had shuvd inside his butes. My wax fi^er of Napoleon Boneypart was likewise mawltreatid. His sword wus danglin tween his legs, his cockd hat was drawn klean down over his ise, and he was plased in a stoopin posishun lookin zactly as tho he was as drunk as a biled owl. Ginral Tayler was a standin on his hed and Wingfield Skott's koat tales ware pind over his hed and his trowsis ware kompleetly torn orf frum hisself. My wa- works pepresentin the Lord's Last Supper ^V l^e^ise aboozed. Three of the Postles ^^'e under the table and two of um had ^ old tarpawlin hats and raggid pee jackits and ware smokin pipes. Judua Iskarriot had on a cocked Hat and was appeerently drinkin, as a Bottle of whisky set befour him. This ere speoktercal was too muoh fur me* I klosed the show and then drowndid my sorrers in the flowin BoU .^;&i 4. A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. It is now goin on 2 (too) yeres, as I very well remember, since I crossed the Planes for Kaliforny, the Brito land of Gold. While crossin the Planes all so bold I fell in with sum noble red men of the forest (N. B. This is rote Sarcasticul. Injips is Pizin, whar ever found,) which thay Sed I was their Brother, & wantid for to smoke the Calomel of Peace with me. Thay then stole my jerkt beef, blankits, etsettery, skalpt my orgin grinder & scooted with a Wild Hoop, Durin the Cheaf's techin speech he sed he shood meet me in the Happy Huntia Grounds. If he duz thare will be a fite. But enuff of this ere. Reven Noose Muttons, as our skoolmaster, who has got Talent into him, cussycally obsarve. I arrovc at Salt Lake in doo time. At Camp Scott there was a lot of U. S. sojers, hosstensibly sent out thare to smash the mormons but really to eat Salt vittles & play poker & other beautiful but sumwhat onsartin games. I got acquainted with sum of the officers. Thay lookt putty scrumpshus in their Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um & ware very talented drinkers, but so fur as fitin is consarned I'd willingly put my wax figgers agin the hull party. My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake City, so I called on Brighara Yung, the grate mogull amung the mor- mins, and axed his permishun to pitch my tent and onfurl my banner to the jentle breezis. He lookt at me in a austeer manner for a few minits, and sed : " Do you bleeve in Solomon. Saint Paul, the immaculateness of the Mormin Church and the Latterday Revelashuns ?" Sez I, " I'm on it !" 1 make it a pint to git along plesunt. tho I didn't know what under the Son the old feller was drivin at. He Bed I uoite show. " You air a marrid man, Mister Yung, I bleeve ?" sez I, preparin to rite him sum free parsis. " I hev eighty wives, Mister Ward. I sertinly am marrid. " How do you like it as far as you hev got?" sed I; He sed " middlin," and axed me wouldn't I like to see his family, to which I replide that I would'nt mind minglin with the fair Seek & Barskin i a the winnin smiles of his interestin wives. He accordingly tuk me to his Scareum. The house is powerful big, & in a exceedin large room was his wives & children, which larst was squawkin and hol- lerin enuff to lake the roof rite orf the bouse. The wimin was of all sizes and ages. Sum was pretty & sum was plane — sum was helthy and sum was oa the Wayne — which is verses, tho sich was not my intentions, as I don't 'prove of puttii verses in Proze rit- tins, tho ef occashun requires I can Jerk a PoJm ekal to any of them Atlantic Muntbly fellers. " My wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung. " Your sajvant, marms," sed I, as I sot down in a cheer which a red-heded female « brawt me. " Besides these wives you see here, Mister Ward," eed Yung, " I hav eighty more in varis parts of this consecrated land which air Sealed to me." *' Which?" sez I, gittin up & starin at him. " Sealed, Sir I sealed." " Wharebowts ?" sez I. " I sed. Sir, that they was sealed 1" Ho spoke in a traggerdy voice. " W'll they probly continner on in that stile to any grate extent, Sir ?" I axed. " Sir," sed he turnin as red as a biled beet, " don't you know that the rules o£ our Church is that I, the Profit, may Ley as meny wives as I wants ?" 26 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. " Jes so," I sed. " You are old pie, ain't you?" " Them aa is Sealed to me — that is to say, to be mine when I wants um — air at present my sperretooul wives," sed Mister Yung. " Long may thay wave!" sez I, seein I shood git into a scrape ef I didn't look out. In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt the follerin fax: It takes him six weeks to kiss his wives. He don't do it only onct a yero & sez it is wuss nor oIean< in house. lie don't pretend to know his children, thare is so many of um, the they all know him. He sez about every child he mc&ts call him Par, & he takes it for grantid it is so. His wives air very expen- siv. Thay allers want suthin & ef he don't buy it for um thay set the house in a up- roar. He sez he don't have a minit's peace. His wives fite amung theirselves so much that he has bilt a fitin room for thare sp« ^ ill^i_SM!iis^ «<0h stay, Sir, stay!" sed a tall gawnt femaile. shul benefit & when too of 'em get into a row he has 'em turned loose into that place, whare the dispoot is settled accordin to the rules of the London prize ring. Sumtimes thay abooz hisself individooally. Thay hev pulled the most of his hair out at the roots & he wares meny a horrible scar upon his body, inflicted with mop-handles, broom- sticks, and sich. Occashunly they git mad & scald aim with bilin hot water. When he got eny waze cranky they'd shut him up in a dark closit, previsly whippin him arter the stile of muthers when thare orfsprings git onruly. Sumtimes when he went in swimmin thay'd go to the banks of the Lake & steal all bis close, thereby compel- lin him to sneek home by a sircootius rowt, drest in the Skanderlus stile of the Greek Slaiv. " I find that the keers of a mar- rid life way hevy onto me," sed the Profit, " & sumtimes I wish I'd remained singel." I left the Profit and startid for the tavern THE CENSUS. wharo I put up to. Oa my way I was over- tuk by a large krowd of Mormons, which thoy Burroundid me & statid that they were goin into the Show free. « Wall," sez I, " ef I find a individooal who is goin round lettia folks into his show free, I'll let you know." " We've had a Revelaahun biddiu us go into A. Ward's Show without payin nothin !" they showtid. " Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mor- monesses, ceasin me by the cote tales & Bwingia me round very rapid, " we're all goin in free ! So sez the Revelashun !" " What's Old Revelashungot to do with my Show ?" sez I, gittin putty rily. " Tell Mister Revelashun," sed I, drawin myself up to my full hite and lookin round upon the ornery krowd with a prowd & defiant mean, " tell Mr. Revelashun to mind his own bizness, subjeck only to the Konstitu- shun of the United States !" " Oh now let us in, that's a sweet man," sed several femailes, puttin thare arms rownd me in luvin stile. " Becum 1 of us. Becum a Freest & hav wives Sealed *J you." " Not a Seal 1" sez I, startia back in horror at the idee. " Oh stay, Sir, stay," sed a tall, gawnt femaile, ore whoos bed 37 summirs must hev parsed, " stay, & I'll be your Jentle Gazelle." " Not cf I know it, you won't," sez I. '' Awa you skanderlus femaile, awa ! Go & be a Nunnery !" That's what I sed, jes so. " & I," sed a fat chunky femaile, who must hev wade more than too hundred lbs., " I will be your sweet gidia Star!" Sez I, " lie bet two dollars and a half you won't !" Whare ear I may Rome De still be troo 2 thee, Oh Betsy Jane ! [N. B. Betsy Jane is my wife's Sir naime.] " Wiltistthou not tarry hear in the P-o- mist Land ?" sed several of the miserabil critters. " He see you all esscnshally cussed bo4 I wiltist !" roared I, as mad as I cood be at thare infernul noncents. I girdid up my Lions & fled the Seen. I packt up my duds & left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Sod- dum & Germorrcr, inhabited by as theavin & onpriacipeld a set of retchis as ever drew Breth in eny spot on the Globe. THE CENSUS. The Senoes taker in our town bein taken sick he deppertised ne to go out for him one day, and as he was too ill to giv me in- formashun how to perceed, I was conse- kently compelled to go it Wind. Sittiu down by the road side I drawd up the fol- kiria list of questions which I proposed to 4z the peplc I visited : Wat's your age ? Whar was you born? Air you marrid, and if so how vittles would be pl> »ity & the labor lite. I am preparin for the Summer Campane. I shall stay in Cleveland a few days and probly you Mill hear from me again ear I leave to once more becnm a tosser on life's tempestuous billers, meanin the Show Bisnis. Very Respectively Yures, Artemits Wajbjd. LITTLE PATTL The moosic which Ime most use to is the inspirin atranes of the hand orgin. I hire a artistic Italyun to grind fur me, payin him hi) vittlea & close, & I spose it was them stranes which fust put a moosical taste into me. Like all furriners he had seen better dase, havin formerly been a Kount. But he aint of much akount now, except to turn the orgin and drink Beer, of which bevrige he can hold a chumful, easy. Miss Patty is small for her size, but as the man sed abowt his wife, Lord ! She is well bilt & her complexion is what might be called a Broonetty. Her ize is a dark bay, the iashes bein long & silky. When she smiles the awjince feels like axing her to doo it sum moor, & to continner doin it 2 a indefnit extent. Her waste is one of the most bootiful wastisis ever seen. When Mister Strackhorse led her out I thawt sum pretty skool gal, who had jest graduatid frum pantalets & wire hoops, was a cumin out to read her fust composishun in public. She cum so bashful like, with her bed bowd down, & made sich a effort to arrange her lips so thayd look pretty, that I wanted to swaller her. She reminded me of Susan Skin- ner, wh'od never kiss the boys at parin bees till the candles was blow'd out. Miss Patty sung suthin or ruther in a furrin tung. I don't know what the sentimunts was. Fur awt I know she may hav bin denouncin my wax figgers & sagashuswild beests of Pray, & I don't much keer ef she did. When she opened her mowth a army of martin- gales, bobolinks, kanarjs, swallers, mockin birds, etsettery, bust 4th & flew all over the Haul. Go it, little 1, sez I to myself, in a hily exsited frame of mind, & ef that kount or royal duke which you'll be pretty apt to marry 1 of these dase don't do the fair thing by ye, yu kin always hav a home on A. Ward's farm, near Baldinsviile, In- jianny. When she sung Cumin threw the Rye, & spoke of that Swayne she decrly luvd herself individoouUy, I didn't wish I MOSES, THE SASSY ; OR THE DISGUISED DUKE. 3T was that air Swayne. No I gcss not. Oh certainly not. [This is Ironical. I don't meen this. It's a way I hav of goakin.] Now that Maria Picklehominy has got married [which I hopes she likes it] & left the perfeshun, Adeliny Patty is the ohampioness of the opery ring. She karries the Belt. Thar's no draw lite about it. Other primy donnys may as well throw up the spunge first as last. My eyes don't deceive my earsite in this matter. But Miss Patty orter sing in the Inglish tung. As she kin do so as well as she kin in Italyun why under the Son dont she do "it? What cents is thare in singin wurds nobody dont understan when wurds we do understan is jest as handy ? Why peple will vereifferusly applawd furrin langwidge is a mistery. It reminds me of a man I <*. t knew. He sed he knockt the bottum out of his pork Barril, & the pork fell out, but the Brine dident moove a inch. It stade in the Barril. He sed this was a Mistery, but it wasn't misterior than is this thing I'm speekin of. As fur Brignoly, Ferri and Junky, thay air dowtless grate, but I think sich able boddied men wood look better tillin the sile than dressin theirselves up in black close & white kid gluvs & shoutin in a furrin tung. Mister Junky is a noble lookin old man & orter lead armies o" to Battel instid of shoutin in a furrin tung. Adoo. In the langwidge of Lewis Napoleon when receivin kumpany at his pallis on the Bullyvards, " I saloot yu." MOSES, THE SASSY ; OR THE DISGUISED DUKE. CHAPTER I. — ELIZY. My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin. In the parlerofa bloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon street sits a luvly young lady, whose hair is cuverd ore with the frosts of between 17 Summers. She has just sot down to the piany, and is warblin the popler ballad called " Smells of the Notion," in which she tells how with pensiv thought, she wandered by a C beat shore. The son is settin in its horizon, and its gorjus light pores in a golden meller flud through the winders, and makes the young lady twict as beautiful nor what she was before, which is onnecessary. She is magnificently dressed up in aBerage basque, with poplin trimmins, More Antique, Ball Morals and 3 ply carpeting. Also, considerable gauze. Her dress contains 16 flounders and her shoes is red morocker, with gold spangles onto them. Presently she jumps up with a wild snort, andpressin her hands to her brow, she exclaims : " Methinks I see a voice!" A noble youth of 27 summers enters. He is attired in a red shirt and black trowsis,, which last air turned up over his boots ; hi» hat, which it is a plug, being cockt onto on& side of his classical hed. In sooth; he was a heroic lookin person, with a fine shape. Grease, in its barmiest days near projuced a more hefty cavileer. Gazin upon him admirinly for a spell, Elizy (for that was her name) organized herself into a tabloo, and stated as follers. *' Ha 1 do me eyes deceive me earsight ? Is it some dreams ? No, I reckon not I That frame I them store close ! those nose I Yes, it is me own, me only Moses ! He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark that he was " a hunkey boy." CHAPTER 11.— WAS MOSES OP NOBLE BIRTH ? Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40. Forty's fellers had just bin havin an annual reunion with Fifty's fellors, on the day I introjuce Moses to my readers, and Moses had his arms full of trofees, to wit : 4 scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7 ears, (which he 38 MOSES, THE SASSY; OR THE DISGUISED DUKE. chawed off) and several half and quarter sections of noses. When the fair Elizy re- covered from her delight at meetin Moses, she said :— " How hast the battle gonest ? Tell me 1" " We chawed 'em up — that's what we did !" said the bold Moses. " I thauk the gods !' sed the fair Elizy. " Thou did'st excellent well. And, Moses," she continnered, layia her bed confidinly agin his weskit, " dost know I sumtimes think thou istest of noble birth ?" " No 1" said he, wildly ketchin hold of lisself. " You don't say so !" '' Indeed do 1 1 Your dead grandfather's sperrit comest to me the tother night." " Oh no, I guess it's a mistake," sed Moses. " I'll bet two dollars and a quarter ho did !" replied Elizy. " He said, * Moses is a Disguised Juke I'" ' You mean Duke," said Moses. " Dost not the actors all call it Jake !" said she. That settled the matter. '' I bay thought of thisthi'ig afore," said Moses, abstractedly. " If it is so, then thus it must be ! 2 B or not 2 B I Which ? " Oh tbat I should lire to see myself a ded bodjt Sc.''; sow! But enuff. liKj I life!— youWe too many for me /" He tore out some of his pretty yeller hair, stampt on the floor sevril times, and was gone. CHAPTER III. — THE PIRUT FOILED. Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the seens narrated in the last chapter took place. A noble ship the Saiy Jane, is a sailin from France tu Ameriky via the Wabash Canal. A pirut ship is in hot pursoot of the Sary. The pirut capting isn't a man of much principle and intends to kill all the people on bored the Sary and confiscate the wallerbles. The capting of the S. J. is on the pint of givin in, when a THE PRINCE OF WALES. 39 fine lookin feller in russet boots and a bufFalo overcoat rushes fororedand obsarves : " Old man I go down stairs I Retire to the etarbud bulk-hed ! I'll take charge of this Bote I" " Owdashus cuss !' yelled the capting, ' away with thee or I shall do mur-rer- der-r-r !" " Skurcely," obsarved the stranger, and he drew a diamond-hilted fish-knife and cut orf the capting's hed. He expired shortly, his last words bein, " we are governed too much." ** People !" sed the stranger, " I'm the Juke d'Moses 1" *« Old boss I" sed a passenger, "me thinks thou art blowin 1" whareupon the Juko cut orf his hed also. " Oh that I should live to see myself a ded body I" screamed the unfortnit man. ^* But don't print any verses about my deth in the newspapers, for if you do I'll haunt yel" " People 1" sed the Juke, " I alone can save you from yon bloody pirut I Ho ! a peck of oats!" The oats was brought and the Juke, boldly mountin the jlbpoop. throwed them onto the towpath. The pirut rapidly approached, chucklin with fiendish delight at the idee of increasin his ill-gotten gains. But the leadin boss of the pirut ship stopt Buddent on comin to the oats, and commenst for to devour them. In vain the piruts swore and throwd stones and bottles at the hoss — he wouldn't budge a inch. Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her bosses on the full jump, was fast leavin the pirut ship 1 " Onct agin do I escape deth !" sed the Juke between his clencht teeth, still on the jibpoop. CHAPTER IV. — THE WANDERER'S RETURN. The Juke was Moses the Sassy 1 Yes, it was! He had bin to France and now ne was home agin in Bostin, Vihich gave birth to a Bunker Hill ! ! He had some trouble in gitting hisself acknowledged as Juko in France, as the Orleans Dienasty and Borebones were fernest him, but he finally conkered. Elizy knowd him right off, as one of his ears and a part of his nose had bin chawed off in his fights with opposi- tion firemen durin boyhood's sunny hours. They lived to a green old age, beloved by all, both grate and small. Their children, of which they have numerous, often go up onto the Common and see the Fountain squirt. This is my 1st attempt at writin a Tail & it is far from bein perfeck, but if I have indoosed folks to see that in 9 cases out of 10 they can either make Life as bari'en a'i the Dessert of Sarah, or as joyyus as a flower garding, my objeck will have bin accomplished, and more too. THE PRINCE OF WALES. To my frienda of the Editorial Corpse : I rite these lines on British sile. I've bin follerin Mrs Victory's hopeful sun Albert Edward threw Kanady with my on- paraleled Show, and tho I haint made much in a pecoonery pint of vow, I've lernt sum- thin new, over hear on British Sile, whare they bleeve in Saint Gorge and the Dragoon. Previs lo cumin over hear I tawt my organ- ist Low to grind Rule Brittanny and other airs which is poplar on British Sile. I likewise fixt a wax figger up to represent Sir Edmun Hed the Govner Ginral. The statoot I fixt up is the most versytile wax statoot I ever saw. I've showed it as Wm. Penn, Napoleon Bonypart, Juke of Wel- lington, the Bcneker Boy, Mrs. Cunning- ham & varis other notid persons, & also for a sertin pirut named Hix. I've bin so long amung wax gtatoots that I can fix 'em up to soot the tastes of folks, & with sum paints I hav I kin giv their facis a bene- 40 THE PRINCE OP WALES. verlent or fiendish look as the kase requiros. I giv Sir Edmun Hed a beneverlent look, & when sum folks who thawt they was smart sed it didn't look like Sir Edmun Hed anymore than it did anybody else, I sed, " That's the pint. That's the beauty of the Statoot. It looks like Sir Edmun Hed or any other man. You may kail it what you pleese. Ef it don't look like any- body that ever lived, then it's sertinly a re- markable Statoot & well worth seein. / kail it Sir Edmun Hed. You may kail it what you dam pleese !" [I had 'em thare.] At larst I've had a interview with the Prince, tho it putty nigh cost me my val- lerble life. I cawt a glimps of him as he sot on the Pizarro of the hotel in Sarnia, & elbowd myself threw a crowd of wimin, children, sojers & Injins that was hangin round the tavern. I was drawin near to the Prince when a red faced man in Mil- lingtery close grabd holt of me and axed me whare I Was goin all so bold ? «' To -see Albert Edard the Prince of Wales," sez I j " who are you ?" He sed he was Kurnel of the Seventy Fust Regiment, Her Magisty's troops. I told him I hoped the Seventy Onesters was in good helth, and was passin by when he ceased hold of me agin, and sed in a tone of indigent cirprise : "What? Impossible! Itkannotbel Blarst my hize. \d I understan you to say that you wu, • tooally goin into the presents of his Royal Iniss ?" , " That's what's the matter with me," I replide. ** But blarst my hize, sir, its onprece- dented. It's orful, sir. Nothin' like it hain't happened sins the Gun Power Plot of Guy Forks. Owdashus man, who air yu?" " Sir," sez I, drawin myself up & puttin on a defiant air, '! I am a Amerycan sitter- zen. My name is Ward. I'm a husband & the father of twins, which I'm happy to state thay look like me. By perfeshun I'm a exhibitor of wax works & sich."' " Good God 1" yelled tho Kumal, « the idee of a exhibitor of wax figgers goin into the presents of Royalty I The British Lion may well roar with raje at the thawt I" Sez I, « Speakin of the British Lion, Kumal, I'd like to make a baigin wiUi you fur that beast fur a few weeks to add to my Show." I didn't meen nothin by this. I was only gettin orf a goak, but you orter hev seen the Old Kumal jump up & howl. He actooally fomed at the mowth. " This can't be real," he showtid. « No, no. It's a horrid dream. Sir, you air not a human bein— you hav no existents— vure a Myth !" " Wall," sez I, « old boss, yule find me a ruther onkomfortable Myth ef you punch my inards in that way agin." I began to git a little riled, fur when he called me a Myth he puncht me putty hard. The Kur- nal now commenst showtin fur the Seventy Onesters. I at fust thawt I'd stay & becum a Marter to British Outraje, as sich a course mite git my name up & be a good advertisement fur my Show, but it occurred to me that ef enny of the Seventy Onesters shood happen to insert a barronet into my stummick it mite be onplesunt, & I was on the pint of runnin orf when the Prince his- self kum up& axed me what the matter was. Sez I, « Albert Edard is that you ?" & he smilt & sed it was. Sez I, " Albert Edard, hears my keerd. I cum to pay my respecks to the futer King of Ingland. The Kurnai of the Seventy Onesters hear is ruther smawl pertaters, but of course you ain't to blame fur that. He puts on as many airs as tho he was the Bully Boy with the glass eye." " Never mmd," sez Albert Edard, " I'm glad to see you, Mister Ward, at all events," & he tuk my hand so plesunt like & larfed so sweet that I fell in love with him to onct. He handid me a segar & wo sot down on the Pizarro & commenst smokin rite cheer- ful. " Wall," sez I, "Albert Edard, how's the old folks?" " Her Majesty & the Prince are weU," be sed. f HE PRINCE OF WALES. 41 '* Daz the old man take his Lager heer reglar ?" I inquired. The Prince larfed & intermatid that the old man didn't let manykegs of that be- vridge spile in the sellar in the coarse of a year. We sot & tawked there sum time abowt matters & things, & bimcby I axed him how he liked bein Prince as fur as he'd got. " To speak plain, Mister Ward," he sed, " I don't much like it. I'm sick of all this bowin & scrapin & crawiin & hurrain over a boy like me. 1 would rather go through the country quietly & enjoy myself in my own way, with the other boys, & not be made a Show of to be garped at by every- body. When the peple cheer me I feel pleesed, fur I know they meen it, but if these one-horse offishuls cood know how I see threw all their moves & understan cx- ackly what they air after, & knowd how I larft at 'em in private, thayd stop kissin my hands & fawnin over me as thay now do. But you know Mr. Ward I can't help bein a Prince, & I must do all I kin to fit my- self fur the persishun I must sumtimc ockepy.* ' '* That's troo," sez I ; " sickness and the docters will carry the Queen orf one of these dase, sure's yer born." The time hevin arove fur me to take my departer I rose up & sed : *' Albert Edard, I must go, but previa to doin so I will ob- sarve that you soot me. Yure a good feller, Albert Edard, & tht) I'm agin Princes as a gineral thing, I must say I like the cut of your Gib. When you git to be King try and be as good a man as yure muthcr has bin I Be just & be Jenerus, espeshul'.y to fihowmen, who hav allers bin aboozed sins the dase of Noah, who was the fust man to go into the Menagery bizniss, & ef the daily papers of his time are to be beleeved Noah's vCoUeckshun of livin wild beests beet enny- thing ever seen sins, tho I make bold to dowt cf his snaiks was ahead of mine. Albert Edard, adool" I tuk his hand which he shook warmly, & givin him a per- petooal free pars to my show, & also parses to take hum for the Queen & Old Albert, I put on my hat and walkt away. " Mrs. Ward," I solilerquized, as I walkt along, " Mrs. Ward, ef you could see your husband now, just as he prowdly emerjis from the presunts of thefutur King of Ing- land, you'd be sorry you called him a Beest jest becaws he cum home tired 1 nite and wantid to go to bed without takin orf his boots. You'd be sorry for tryin to de- prive yure husband of the pricelisa Boon of liberty, Betsy Jane !" Jest then I met a long perseshun of men with gownds onto 'em. The leader was on horseback, & ridin up to me he sed, " Air you Orange ?" Sez I, " Which?" " Air you a Orangeman?" he repeated, sternly. " I used to peddle lemins," sed I, " but I never delt in oranges. They are apt to spile on yure hands. What particler Loo- natic Asylum hev you & yur frends escaped frura, ef I may be so bold?" Just then a suddcnt thawt struck me & I sed, " Oh yure the fellers who air worryin the Prince so & givin the Juke of Noocastle cold sweats at nite, by yure infernal catawalins, air you ? Wall, take the advice of a Amery- kin sitterzen, take orf them gownds & don't try to get up a religious fite, which is 40 times wuss nor a prize fite, over Albert Edard, who wants to receive you all on a ekal footin, not keerin a tinker's cuss what meetin house you sleep in Sundays. Go homo and mind yure bisness & not make noosenses of yourselves." With whloh observashuns I left 'em. I shall leeve British sile 4thwith. *>"• OSSAWATOMIE BROWN. I don't pertend to be a cncket & conse- kently the reader will not regard this 'ere peace as a Cricketcism. I simply dcsine givin the pints & Plot of a play I saw actid out at the theater t'other nite, called Ossy- wattermy Brown or the Hero of Harper's Ferry. Ot^sywattermy had varis failins, one of which was a idee that he cood con- ker Virginny with a few duzzen loonatics which he had pickt up sumwhares, mercy only nose when. He didn't cum it, as the sekel showed. This play was jcrkt by a admirer of Old Ossywattermy. First akt opens at North Elby, Old Brown's humsted. Thare'a a weddin at the house. Amely, Old Brown's darter, marrys sumbody, and they all whirl in the Messy darnce. Then Ossywattermy and his 3 suns leave fur Kansis. , Old Mrs. Ossywattermy tells 'em they air goin on a long jurny & Blesses 'em to slow fiddlin. They go to Kansis. What upon arth they go to Kansis fur when thay was so nice & comfortable down there to North Elby, is more'n I know. The suns air next seen in Kansis at a tarvern. Mister Blane, a sinister lookin man with his Belt full of knives & boss pistils, axes one of the Browns to take a drink. Brown refuzis, which is the fust instance on record whar a Brown deklined sich a invite. Mister Blane, who is a dark bearded ferpshus lookin person, then axis him whether he's fur or femenst Slavery. Yung Brown sez he's agin it, whareupon Mister Blane, who is the most sinisterest lookin man I ever saw, spz Har, har, har! (that bein his stile of larfin wildly) & ups & sticks a knife into yung Brown. Anuther Brown rushes up & sez, " you has killed me Ber-ruther I" Moosio by the Band & Seen changes. The stuck yung Brown enters supported^by. his two brothers. Bimeby he* falls down, sez he sees his Mother, & dies. Moosic by the Band. I lookt but couldn't see any mother. Next Seen reveels Old Brown's cabin. He's readin a book. He sez frec- dum must extend its Area & rubs his hands like ho was pleesed abowt it. His suns come in. One of 'em goes out & cums in ded, bavin bin shot while out by a Border Ruffin. The ded yung Brown sez he sees his mother an d tumbles do wn . T he Border RuflSns then surround the cabin and set it a fire. The Browns giv theirselves up for gone coons, when the hired gal diskivers a trap door to the cabin & they go down threw it & cum up threw the bulkhed. Their m jrraklis 'scape reminds me of the 'scape 0. De J ones the Coarsehair of the Gulf — a tail with a yaller kiver, that I onct red. For sixteen years he was con- fined in a loathsum dunjin, not tastin of food durin all that time. When a lucky thawt struck him I He opend the winder and got out. To resoom — Old Brown rushes down to the foot lites, gits down on his nees & swares he'll hav revenge. The battle of Ossawattermy takes place. Old Brown kills Mister Blane, the sinister indi- vidooal aforesed. Mister Blane makes a able and elerquent speech, sez he don't see his mother much, and dies like a son of a gentleman, rapt up in the Star Spangled Banner. Moosio by the Band. Four or five. other Border ruflSns air killed but thay don't say nothin abowt seein their mothers. From Kansis to Harper's Ferry. Picter of a Arsenal is represented. Sojers cum & fire at it. Old Brown cums out & permits hi§self to be shot. He is tride by two soo^ in milingtery close, and senfeliced to bo hung on the gallus. Tabloo — Old Brown on a platform, pintin upards, the staige lited up with red fire. Goddiss of Liberty also db platforjir, pintin upards. A dutohman in the orkestry warbles oh a base drum. Curtain falls. Moosio by the Band. JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 4^ «• Twins, marm," sez I, " Twiua I" JOY IX THE HOUSE OP W.VRD. Jear Sirs :— I take my pen in hand to inform you that I am ia a state of grate blis3, and trust these lines will find you injoyin the same blessins. I'm reguviuated. I've found the immortal waters of yooth, so to speak, and am as limber and frisky as a two-year old steer, and in the futer them boys which sez to me "go up, old Bawld hed," will do BO at the peril of their hazard, individooally. I'm very happy. My house is full of joy, and I have to get up nights and larf ! Sumtimes I ax myself " is it nota dream ?" & suthia withinto me sez "it air;" but when I look at them sweet little critters and hear 'em squawk, I know it is a reality — 2 realitys, I may say —and I feel gay- I returnd from the Summer Campane with my unparaleld show of wax works and livin wild Beests of Pray in the early part of this munth. The peple of Baldios- ville met me cordully and I immejitly commenst restin myself with my famerly. The other nite while I was down to the tavurn tostin my shins agin the bar room fire & amuzin the krowd with some of my adventurs, who shood cum in bare heded & terrible excited but Bill Stokes, who sez, sez he, " Old Ward, there's grate doins up to your house." , SezI, "William, how so?" Sez he, " Bust my gizzud, but its grate doins," & then he larfed as if hee'd kill bis* self. Sez I, risin and puttin on a austeer look, " William, I woodun be a fool if I had common cents." • But he kept on larfin till he was black in the face, when he fell over onto the buuk where the hostler sleeps, and iu a still small voice sed, " Twins !" I ashure you gents that the grass didn't grow under my feet 44 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. OD my way home, & I was foUered by a enthooaiastio throng of jny feller eitterzens, who harrard for Old Ward at the top of their voises. I found the house chock full of peple. Thare was Mis Square Baxter and her three grown up darters, lawyer Perkinses wife, Taberthy Ripley, young Eben Parsuns, Deakun Simmuns folks, the Skoolmaster, Doctor Jordin, estettery, ctsettery. Mis Ward was in the west room, which jines the kitchen. Mis Square Baxter was mixin suthin in a dipper before the kitchin fire, & a small army of female wimin were rushin wildly round the house with bottles of camfire, peaces of flannil, &G. I never seed sich a hubbub in my natral bom dase. I cood not stay in the west room only a minit, so strung up was my feelins, so I rusht out and ceased my dubbel barrild gun. " What upon airth ales the man ?" sez Taberthy Ripley. " Sakes alive, what air you doin ?" & she grabd me by the coat tales. " What's the matter with you ?" £he continnered. " Twins, marm," sez I, " twins !" '** I know it," sez she, coverin her pretty face with her apun. " Wall," sez I, " that's what's the matter with me!" " Wall put down that air gun, you pesky old fool," sed she, " No, marm," sez I, " this is aNashunal day. The glory of this here day isn't con- fined to Baldinsville by a darn site. On yonder woodshed," sed I, drawin myself up to my full hite and speakin in a show actin voice, " will I fire a Nashunal saloot !" sayin whitch I tare J myself from her grasp and rusht to the top of the shed whare I Uazed away until Square Baxter's hired man and my son Artemus Juneyer cum and took me down by mane force. On retumin to the Kitchin I found quite a lot of people seated be4 the fire, a talkin the event over. They made room for me & I sot down. " Quite a eppisode," sed Docter Jordin, litin his pipe with a red hot coal. " Yes." sed I, " 2 cppisodes, waying »bowt 18 pounds j in tly." " A perfeck coop de tat," sed the skool- master. " E pluribus unum, in proprietor per- sony," sed I, thinkin I'd let him know 1 understood furrin langwidgcs as well as he did, if I wasn't a skoolmaster. " It is indeed a momentioua event," sed young Eben Parsuns, who has been 2 quarters to the Akademy. " I never hear4 twins called by that name afore," sed I, " but I spose it's all rite." " We shall soon have Wards enuflF," sed the editor of the Baldinsville Bugle of Libert!/, who was lookin over a bundle of exchange papers in the corner, " to apply to the legislator for a City Charter ?" " Good for you, old man I" sed I, " giv that air a conspickius place in the next Bugle." " How redicklxis," sed pretty Susan Fletcher, coverin her face with her knittin work & larfin like all possest. " Wall, for my part," sed Jane Maria Peasley, who is the crossest old made in the world, " I think you all act like a pack of fools." Sez I, " Mis. Peasly, air you a parent ? Sez she, " No, I ain't." Sez I, " Mis. Peasly, you never will be." She left. We sot there talkin & larfin until " the switchin hour of nite, when grave yards yawn & Josts troop 4th," as old Bill Shakespire aptlee obsarves in his dramy of John Shep- pard, esq,, or tho Moral House Breaker, when we broke up & disbursed. Muther & children is a doin well ; & as Resolushuns is the order of the day 1 will feel obleeged if you'll insurt the follerin — Whereas, two Eppisodes has happined up to the undersined's house, which is Twins ; & Whereas I like this stile, Mde CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN. 45 twins beia of the male perswaahua & both boys ; there4 Be it Resolved, that to them nabcrs who did the fare thinp; by sade Eppisodes my hart felt thanks is doo. Resolved, that I do most hartily thank Engine Ko. No. 17 who, under the im- preshun from the fuss at my house on that auspishus nite that tharc was a konflagra- tion goin on, kum galyiantly to the spot, but kindly refraned frum squirtin. Resolved, that frum the Bottum of my Sole do I thank the Baldinsville brass band fur givin up the idea of Sarahnadin me, both on that great aite & sinsc. Resolved, that niy thanks is doo several members of the Baldinsville mcetin house who fur 3 whole dase hain't kallcd me a sinful skoffer or intreeted me to mend my wicked waso and jiao sade meetin houee to onct. ' ■ ', • Resolved, that my Boozum teams with meny kind emoshuns towards the follerin individoouls, too whit namelce — Mis. Square Baxter, who Jenerusly rcfoozed to take a sent for a bottle of camfire ; lawyer Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on the Eppisodes ; the Editor of the Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty, who nobly assisted mo in woUupin my Kangeroo, which sagashus little cuss seriusly disturbed the Eppisodes by his outrajus screctchins & kickins up ; Mis. Hirum Doolitte, who kindly furnisht sum cold vittles at a tryin time, when it wasunt konvenient to cook vittles at my house ; & the Peasleys, Parsunses & Wat- sunses fur there meny ax of kindness. Trooly yures, AnTEMUs Ward. CRUISE OP THE POLLY ANN. In overhaulin one of my old trunks the tother day, I found the follerin' jernal of a vyge on the starnch canawl bote, Polly Ann, which happened to the subscriber when I was a young man (in the Brite Lexington of yooth, when thar aint no sich word as fale) on the Wabash Canawl ; (Monday 2 P. M.) Got under wa. Hosses not remarkable frisky at fust. Had to bild fires under 'em before they'd start. Started at larst very suddent, causin the bote for to lurch vilently and knockin me orf from my pins. (Sailor frase.) Sevral passenjers on bored. Parst threw deliteful country. Honist farmers was to work sowin korn, & other projuce in the fields. SurbUme scenery. Large red-heded gal reclinin on the banks of the Canawl, bathin her feet. Turned in at 15 minits parst eleving. Toosdy — Riz at 5 and went up on the poop deck. Took a grown person's dose «f licker with a member of the Injianny legislater, which he urbanely insisted on allowin me to pay for. Bote tearin threu the briny waters at the rate of 2 Nots a hour, when the boy on the leadin hosa shoutid, "Sale hoe!" " Whar away?" hollered the capting, clearin his glass (a empty black bottle, with the bottom knockt out) and bringing it to his Eagle eye. " Bout four rods to the starbud," screamed the. boy. " Jes so," screeched the capting. " What wessel's that air ?" " Kickin Warier of Terry Hawt, and be darned to you I" " I, I Sir !" hollered our capting. « Reef your arft boss splice your main jib-boom, and hail your chambermaid. What's up in Terry Hawt ?" "You know Bill Spikes?" sed ihe capting of the Warier. " Wall, I reckia Ho kan eat more fride 46 CRUISE OP THE POLLY ANN. pork nor any man of his heft on tho Wabash. He's a ornament to his sex I" " Wall," continued the capting of tho Kickin Marier. ** Wilyira got a little owly the tothcr day, and got to prancin around town on that old whito mare of his'n^ and bein in a playful mood, he rid up in front of the Court 'us whar old Judge Perkins was a holdin Court, and let drive his riflo at him. The bullet didn't hit the Judge at all ; it only jes whizzed parst his left ear, lodgin in tho wall behind him ; but what d'ye spose the old despot did? Why, he actooally fined Bill ten dollars for contempt of Court I What do you think of that ?" axed the capting of the Marier, as he parst a long black bottle over to our capting. " The country is indeed in danger !" sed our capting, raisin the bottle to his lips. The wessels parted. No other incidents that day. Retired to my chased couch at 5 minits parst 10. (Wensday.) Rlz arly. Wind blowin N. W. E. Hevy sea on and ship rollin wildly in consekents of pepper-corns havin bin fastened to the forrerd boss's tale. " Heave two !" roared the capting to the man at the rudder, as the Polly giv a frite- ful toss. I was sick, an sorry I'd cum. " Heave two !" repeated the capting. I went below. " Heave two !" I beam him holler agin, and stickin my hed out of the cabin winder, / heo. The bosses became dosile eventually, and I felt better. The sun bust out in all his splender, disregardless of expense, and lovely Natur put in her best licks. We parst the beautiful village of Limy, which lookt sweet indeed, with its neat white cot- tages, Institoots of learnin and other evi- jences of civillizashun, incloodin a party of bald heded cullered men who was playing 3 card monty on the stoop of the Red Eagle tavern. AH, all was food for my 2 poetic sole. I went below to breakfast, bnt vittles had lost their charms. " Take sum of this," sed the Capting, shovin a bottle tords my plate. • " It's whisky. A few quarts allcrs sets me right when my f^tummick gits out of order. It's a oxcelijnt tonic I'' I declined the seductive flooid. (Thursdy.) Didn't rest well last night on account of a uprore made by the capting, who stopt tho Bote to go ashore and smash in tho windows of a grosery. Ho was brought back in about a hour, with his hed dun up in a red hankerchcr, his eyes bein swelled up orful, and his nose very much out of jint. He was bro't aboard on a shutter by his cruo, and deposited on the cabin floor, the passenjcrs all risin up in their births, pushin the red curtains asido & lookin out to see what tho matter was. " Why do you allow your pashuns to run away with you in this onseenily stile, my misgided frend ?" sed a solium lookin mau in a red flannel nite-cap. " Why do you sink yourself to the Beasts of the field ?" " Wull, the fack is," sed the capting, visin hisself on the shutter, " I've bin a little prejoodiced agin that grosery for some time. But I made it lively for the boys, Deacon I Bet yer life !" He larfed a short, wild larf, and called for his jug. ' Sippin a few pints, he smiled gently upon the pas- sengers, sed " Bless you I bless you 1" and fell into a sweet sleep. Eventually we reached our jerney's end. This was in the days of Old Long Sign, be! the iron boss was foaled. This was be4 stcembotes was goin round bustin their bilers & sendin peplo higher nor a kite. Them was happy days when peple was in- telligent & wax figgers & livin wild beests wasn't scoficd at. " O dase of-me boyhood I'm dreamin on ye now !" (Poeckry.) A.W. INTERVIKW \VlTn PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 4T An Interriew ■with President Lincoln. INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. I hav no politics. Nary a one. I'm not in the bisncss. Tf I was I spose 1 Bhould holler vcrsiffrusly in the streets at nite and go home to Betsy Jane smcllcn of coal ilc and gin, in the mornin. I should go to the Poles arly. I should stay there all day. I should see to it that my nabers was thar. I should git carriges to take the kripples, the infirm and the indignant thar. I should be on guard agin frauds and sich. I should be on the look out for the infamus lise of the enemy, got up jest be4 elecshun for perlitical effeek. When all was over and my candydate was elected, I should move heving & arth — so to speak — until I got orfice, which if I didn't git a orfice I should turn round and abooze the Administration with all my mite and maine. But I'm not in the bisnisa. I'm in a far more respectful bisnisB nor what pollertica is. I wouldn't give two cents to be a Congresser. The wuss insult I ever received was when sertin citizens of BalJinsville axed me to run fur the Legislator. Sez I, My frends, dostest think I'd stoop to that there ?" They turned as white as a sheet. I spoke in my most orfuUest tones, & they knowd I wasn't to be trifled with. They slunked out of site to onct. Therc4, havin no politics, I made* bold to visit Old Abe at his humstid in Spring- field. I found the old feller in his parler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers. Knowin he had been capting of a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so scz I " Old Abe, ahoy ! Letoutyer main- suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw yer jib-poop over-board! Shiver my timbers, my harty!" [N. B. This is ginuina AB INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. mariner langwidgo. I know, bccawz I've seen sailor plays acted out by tbcm New York theater fellers..] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, " Send in ycr petition by & by. I can't possibly look at it now. Indeed I cant. It's onpossible, sir !" Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air ?" sed I. " A Office seeker, to be sure ?" sed he. " Wall, sir," sed I, " you's ncter more mistaken in your life. You hain't gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances. I'm A. Ward. Wax figgers is my perfeshun. I'm the father of Twins, and they look like me — both of them. I cum to pay a frendly visit to the President clock of the United States. If so be you wants to see me say so — if not, say so, & I'm orf like a jug handle." " Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to see you, Sir." " Repose in Abraham's Buzzum !" sed one of the orficc seekers, his idee bein to git orf a goak at my expense. " Wall," sez I, " efall you fellers repose in that there Buzzum tharc'll be mity poor nussin for sum of you!" whereupon Old Abe buttoned his weskit clear up and blusht like a maidin of sweet 16. Jest at this pint of the conversation another swarm of orfice-seekers arrove & cum pilin into the parler. Sum wanted post orfices, sum wanted colleotorships, sum wantid furrin missions, and all wanted sum thin. I thought Old Abe would go crazy. He hadn't more than had time to shake hands with 'em, before another tremenjis crowd cum porin onto his premises. His house and dooryard was now perfeckly overflowed with orfice seekers, all clameruss for a immejit interview with Old Abe. One man from Ohio, who had about seven inches of corn whisky into him, mistook me for Old Abe and addrest me as " The Pra-hayrie Flower of the West !" Thinks I you want a offiss putty bad. Another man with a gold heded cane and a red nose told Old Abe he was " a seokind Washington & the Pride of the Boandliss West." Sez I, " Square, you wouldn't take a small post-offis if you could git it, would you ?" Sez he, " a patrit is abuv them things, sir !" '* There's a putty big crop of patrits this season, aint there Squire?" sez I, when another crowd of offiss seekers pored in. The house, door-yard, barn & woodshed was now all full, and when another crowd cum I told 'em not to go away for want of room as the hog-pen was still empty. One patrit from a small" town in Michy- gan went up on top the house, got into the chimney and slid down into the parler where Old Abe was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of orfiss-scckers from chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy. The minit he reached the fire-place he jumpt up, brusht the soot out of his eyes, and yelled : " Don't make eny pint- ment at the Spunkville post-offiss till you've read my papers. All the respectful men in our town is signers to that there dockyment I ' ' «' Good God !" crido Old Abe, " they cum upon mc' from the skize — down tho chimneys, and from the bowels of the yearth !" He hadn't more'n got them words out of his delikit mouth before two fat offiss-seekers from Wisconsin, in endeverin to crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of applyin for the tollgateship at Milwawky, upsot the President deck & he would hev gone sprawlin into the fire-place if I hadn't caught him in these arms. But I hadn't morn'n stood him up strate before another man cum crashin down the chimney, his head strikin me vilently agin the inarda and prostratin my voluptoous form onto the floor. " Mr. Linkin," shoutid the infatooated being, " my papers is signed by every clergyman in our town, and likewise the skoolmaster !" Sez I, " you egrejis ass," gettin up & brushin the dust from my eyes, " I'll sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if you don't be a Kttle more keerfulhow you make my bread baaket a depot in the futer. How do you like that air perfumery?" soz I, INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 4» " Them's Them's fihuving my fist under his nose, the kind of papers I'll giv you the papers you want I" " But I workt hard for the ticket ; I toiled night and day ! The patrit should be rewarded I" " Virtoo," scd I, holdin' the infatooatcd man by the coat-collar, " virtoo, sir, is its own reward. Look at me !*' Ho did look at me, and qualed be4 my gasc. " The fict is," I continued, lookin' round on the hungry crowd, " there is scacely a oflBss for every ile lamp carrid round durin' this campano. I wish thare was. I wish thare was furrin missions to be filled on varis lonely Islands where cppydemics rage incessently, and if I was in Old Abo's place I'd send every mother's son of you to them. What air you here for?" I continnered, warmin up considerable, " can't you giv Abo a minit's peace ? Don't you see he's worrid most to death ! Go home, you miserable men, go home & till the sile ! Go to peddlin tinware — go to choppin wood — ■go to bilin' sope — stuff sassengers — black boots — git a clerkship on sum respectable manure cart — go round as original Swiss Bell Ringers — becum 'origenal and only' Campbell Minstrels — go to lecturin at 50 dollars a nite — imbark in the peanut bizniss— wr<7e for the Ledger — saw off your legs and go round givin concerts, with techin appeals to a charitable public, printed on your handbills — anything for a honest living, but don't come round here drivin Old Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings up 1 Go home. Stand not upon the order of your goin,' but go to onct I If in five minits from this time," sez I, pullin' out my new sixteen dollar huntin cased ■watch, and brandishin' it before their eyes, " Ef in five minits from this tinie a sinjj,i6 sole of you remains on these here premises, I'll go out to my cage near by, and let my Boy Constructor loose 1 &ef he gits amung you, you'll think old Solferino has cum agaia and no mistake I" You ought to hev seen them scamper, Mr. Fair. They run orf as tho Satun hissclf was artcr them with a red hot ten pronged pitchfork. In five minnits tho premises was clear. " How kin I ever repay you, Mr. Ward, for your kindness?" scd Old Abe, advancia and shakin me warmly by the hand. " How ' kiu I ever repay you, sir ?" " By givin the whole country a good, sound administration. By poerin' ile upon the troubled waturs, North and South. By pursooin' a patriotic, firm, and just course, and then if any State wants to secede, let 'em Scsesh 1" " How 'boutmyCabinit, Mister Ward?" scd Abe. " Fill it up with Showmen, sir ! Showmea is devoid of politics. They hain't got any principles I They know how to cater for the public. Tiiey know what tho public wants, North & South. Showmen, sir, is honest men. If you doubt their literary ability, luck at their posters, and see small bills I. Ef you want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit fill it up with showmen, but don't call on me. The moral wax figger perfeshun musn't be permitted to go down while there's a drop of blood in these vains! A. Linkin, I wish you well I Ef Powers or Walcutt wus to pick out a model for a beautiful . man, I scarcely think they'd sculp you ; .' but of you do the fair thing by your country you'll make as putty a angel as any of us I A. Linkin, use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and firmly, and. - , all will bo well ! A. Linkin, adoo I" Ho shook me cordyuUy by the hand — we ;• ■ exchanged picters, so wo could gaze upon each others' liniments when far away from , ; one another — he at the helium of the ship of State, and I at the helium of the show bizniss — admittance only 15 cents. 60 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. "I was ceased and tied to a stump." THE SHOW IS CONF'ICATF.D. Tou hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these many dase gone and past. Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the Tomb of the Cappylets, tho I don't know what those is. It's a popler noospaper frase. Listen to my tail, and bo silent that ye may here. I've been among the Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by my legitimit perfeshun, and havn't had no time to weeld my facile quill for "the Grate Komick paper," if you'll alow me to koto from your troothful advertisement. My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrer scape of my life. If what I'to bin threw is " Suthern hosspitality," 'bout which we've hearn so miich, then I feel bound to obsarve that they made two much of me. They was altogether too lavish with their attenshuns. I went amung tho Seseshers with no feelins of annermosity. I went in my perfeshernal capacity. I was actooated by one of the most Loftiest desires which can swell the human Buzzum, viz ; — to give the people their money's worth, by showin them Sagashus Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to say air onsurpast by any other statoots anywheres. I will not call that man who scz my statoots is hum- bugs a lier and a boss thief, but bring him be4 me and I'll wither him with one of my scornful frowns. But to proseed with my tail. In my travels threw the Sonny South I beared a heap of talk about SecesLon and bustin up the Union, but I didn't think it mounted to nothin. The politicians in all the villages was swearin that Old Ab< (sometimes called tho Prahayrie flower) should'nt never be noggeratcd. They also THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. Ql made fools of theirselves in varis ways, but as they was used to that I didn't let. it worry me much, and the Stars and Stripes continued for to wave over my little tent. Moor over, I was a Son of Malty and a member of several other Temperance Societies, and my wife she was a Dawter of Malty, an I sposed these fax would secoor me the infloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. Alas! I was dispinted. State arter State scseshed and it growed hotter and hotter for the undersined. Things came to a climbmacks in a small town in Alabamy, where I was premtorally ordered to haul down the Stars & Stripes. A deppytashun of red-faced men cum up to the door of my tent ware I was standin takin money (the arteraoon exhibishun had commenst, an' my Italyun organist was jerkin his sole-stirrin chimes.) "We air cum, Sir," said a millingtary man in a «ockt hat, "upon a hi and holy mishun. The Southern Eagle is screamin threwout this sunny land — proudly and defiantly Bcreamin, Sir 1" "What's the matter with him," sez I, *' don't his vittles sit well on his stummick ?" " That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all over this Brite and tremenjus land!" " Wall, let him scream. If your Eagle can amuse hisself by screamin, let him went!" The men anoyed me for I was Bizzy makin change. "We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of dooty— " "You're right, Capting. It's every man's dooty to visit my show," sed I. " We air cum — " "And that's the reason you are here I" Bez I, larfin one of my silvery larfs. I thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv him sum of my sparklin eppygrams. " Sir, you're inserlent. Tho plain questioa is, will you haul down the Star- Spangled Banner, and hist the Southern r " Nary hist I" Those was my reply. " Your wax works and beests is then confisticated, & you air arrested as a Spy I" Sez I, " My fragrant roses of tho Southern clime and Bloomin daffodils, what's the price of whisky in this town, and how many cubic feet of that seductive flooid can you inuividooally hold ?" They made no reply to that, but said my wax figgers was confisticated. I axed them if that was ginerally the stile among thieves in that country, to which they also made no reply, but sed I was arrested as a Spy, and must go to Montgomry in iuns. They was by this time jined by a large crowd of other Southern patrits, who com- menst hollerin " Hang the bald headed aberlitionist, and bust up his immoral exhibitioA !" I was ceased and tied to a stump, and the crowd went for my tent — that water-proof pavilion, wherein instruc- tion and amoosment had been so muchly combined, at 15 cents per head — and tore it all to pieces. Meanwhile dirty faced boys was throwin stuns and empty beer bottles at my massiv brow, and ■'•xkin other improper liberties with my per =0' . Resist- ance was useless, for a variety of reasons, as I readily obsarved. The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smashin them to attums. They then went to my money box and confisticated all the loose change therein contaned. They then went and bust in my cages, lettin all the animils loose, a small but helthy tiger 'among the rest. This tiger has a excentric way of tearin dogs to peaces, and I allers sposed from his gineral conduck that he'd hav no hesitashun in servin human beins in the same way if he could git at them. Excilse me if I was crooil, but I larfed boysterrusly when I see that tiger spring in among the people. " Go it, my sweet cuss !" I inardly exclaimed, " I forgive you for bitin off my left thum with all my heart 1 Rip 'em up like a bully tiger whose Lare has bin iuwaded by Seseshers 1" . . , . I can't say for certain that the tiger 5e THE SHOW rS CONFISCATED serisl; injured any of them, but as ke was seen a few days after, sum miles distant, •with a large and \rell selected assortment of seats of trowsis in his mouth, and as he lookt as tho he'd bin havin sum vilent exercise, I rayther guess he did. You will therefore perceive that they didn't confisti- cate him much. I was carried to Montgomry in iuns and placed in durans vial. ' The jail was a ornery edifiss, but the table was librally surplied with Bakin an Cabbidge. This was a good variety, for when I didn't hanker after Bakin I could help myself to the cabbige. I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about, howsever, and I was very lonely, specially on the first day; so when the jailer parst my lonely sell I put the few stray hairs on the back part of my hed (I'm bald now, but thare was a time when I wore sweet auburn ringlets) into as dish- hevild a state as possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I cride : " Stay, jaler, stay 1 I am not mad but soon shall be if you don't bring me suthin to Talk !" He brung me sum noospapers, for which I thanked him kindly. At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, the President of the Southern Con- thioveracy. He was quite perlite, and axed me to sit down and state my case. I did it, when h^ larfed and said his gallunt men had been a little 2 enthoosiastic in oonfisticatin my show. "Tes," sez I, "they confisticated me too muchly. I had sum bosses confisticated in the same way onct, but the confisticaters air now poundin stun in the States Prison in Injinnapylus." ""Wall wall, Mister Ward, you air at liberty to depart; you air frendly to the South, I know. Even now we hav many frens in the North, who sympathise witk us, and wont mingle with this fight." "J. Davis, there's your grate inistaik. Many of us was your sincere frends, r.nd thought certin parties amung us was fussin about you and meddlin with your consarns intirely too much. But J. Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the piece of dry- goods called the Star-Spangled Banner, the North gits up and rises en massy, in defence of that banner. Not agin you as indi- vidooals, — not agin the South even — but to save the flag. We should indeed be weak in the knees, unsound in the heart, milk- white in the liver, and soft in the hed, if we stood quietly by and saw this glorus Govyment smashed to pieces, either by a furrin or a intestine foe. The gentle- harted mother hates to take her naughty child across her knee, but she knows it is her dooty to do it. So we shall hate to whip the naughty South, but we must do it if you don't make back tracks at onct, and we shall wallup you out of your boots I J. Davis, it is my decided opinion that the Sonny South U makin a egrejus mutton- hed of herself!" " Go on, sir, you're safe enuff. You'ro too small powder for me I" sed the Pre- sident of the Southern Conthieveracy. " Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsvill Mounted Hoss Cavalry 1 I'm Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J. Davis, beware ! Jefferson D., I now leave you I Farewell my gay Saler Boy I Good bye, my bold buccaneer! Pirut of the deep blue sea, adoo ! adoo !" My tower threw the Southern Con- thieveracy on my way home was thrillin enuff for yeller covers. It will form the subjeck of my next. Betsy Jane and the progeny air well. Yours respectively, A. Ward, THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. I had a narrer scape from the sonny South. " The swings and JEirrers of out- rajus fortin," alluded too by Hamlick, warn't nothin in comparison to my trubles. I come pesky near swearin sum profane oaths more'n onct, but I hope I didn't do it, for I've promist she whose name shall bd nameless (except that her initials is Betsy J.) that I'll jine the Meetin House at Baldinsville, jest as soon as I can scrape money enuff together so I can 'ford to be piuss in good stile, like my welthy nabers. But if I'm confisticated agin I'm fraid I shall continner on in my present benited state for sum time. I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in my tower from Montgomry to my hiimsted, and on sevril occasions I thought " the grate komick paper " wouldn't be in- riched no more with my lubrications. Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson D. I started for the depot. I saw a nigger sittin on a fence a-playin on a banjo. " My Afrikan Brother," sed I, coting frojn a Track I onct red, " you belong to a very interesting race. Your masters is going to war excloosively on your account." " Yes, boss," he replied, " an' I wish 'em honorable graves 1" and he went on playin the banjo, larfin all over and openin his mouth wide enuflf to drive in an old-fashion- ed 2 wheeled chaise. The train of cars in which I was to trust my wallerable, life was the scaliest, ricky- tiest lookin lot of consarns that I ever saw on wheels afore. " What time does this string of second-hand coffins leave?" I enquired of the depot master. He sed direckly, and I went in & sot down. I hadn't more'n fairly squatted afore a dark lookin man with a swinister expression onto his countenance entered the cars, and lookin very sharp at me, he axed what was my principles ? " Secesh !" I ansered. "I'maDissolu ter. I'm in favor of Jeff Davis, Bowre- gard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard, Munro Edards, the devil, Mrs. Cunning- ham and all the rest of 'em." " You're in favor of the war ?" " Certingly. By all means. I'm in favor of this war and also of the next war. I've been ia favor of the next war for over sixteen years 1" " War to the knife 1" sed the man. " Blud, Eargo, blud 1" sed I, tho them words isn't ori^ernal with me. Them words was rit by Shakspeare, who is ded. His mantle fell onto the author of " The Seven Sisters," who's goin to hav a Spring overcoat made out of it. We got under weigh at larst, an' pro- ceeded on our jemey at about the rate of speed which is ginrally obsarved by pro- perly-conducted funeral processions. A hansum yung gal, with a red musketer bar on the back side of her bed, and a sassy little black hat tipt over her forrerd, sot in the seat with me. She wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat, and she was a goin for to see her troo love, who had jined the Southern army, all so bold and gay. So she told me. She was chilly and I offered her my blanket. « Father livin ?" I axed. " Yes sir." "Got any Uncles?" " A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho." "Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to him I I will be your Uncle Thomas I Lean on me my pretty Secesher, and linger in Blissful repose 1" She slept as secoorly as in her own housen, and didn't disturb tho solium stillness of tho night with 'ary snore I At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the oars and inquired if " Old Wax Works" was on bored. That was the dis< 54 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. respcctiv Btile in which they referred to me. " Becawz if Old Wax Works is on bored," Eez a man with a face like a doable-brested lobster, " we're going to hang Old Wax Works!" •' My illustrious and patriotic Bummers I" sez I, a gittin up and takin orf my Shappo, " if you allude to A. Ward, its my pleasin dooty to inform you that he's ded. He saw the error of his ways at 15 minits parst 2 yesterday, and stabbed hisself with a stuffed sled-stake, dyin in five beautiful tabloos to slow moosic. His larst words was : ' My perfeshernal career is over ! I jerk no more I' " " And who be you ?" " I'm a stoodent in Senater Benjamin's law offiss. I'm going up North to steal some spoons and things for the Southern Army." This was satisfactry and the intossicated troopers went orf. At the next station the pretty little Secesher awoke and sed she must get out there. I bid her a kind adoo and giv her sum pervisions. " Accept my blessing and this hunk of gingerbred !" I sed. She thankt me muchly and tript galy away. There's considerable human nater in a man, and I'm fraid I shall allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me in the shape of a nice young gal. At the next station I didn't get orf so easy. I was dragged out of the cars and rolled in the mud for several minits, for the purpose of " takin the conseet out of me," as a Secesher kindly stated. I was let up finally, when a powerful lai^e Secesher came up and embraced me, and to show that he had no hard feelins agin me, put his nose into my mouth. I returned the compliment by placin my stummick suddenly agin his right foot, when he kindly made a spittoon of his able- bodied face. Actooated by a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxinated I then fastened my teeth onto his left coat- sleeve and tore it to the shoulder. We then vilently bunted our heads together for a few minits, danced around a little, and sot down in a mud puddle. We riz to our feet agin & by a sudden and adroit movement I placed my left eye agin the Secesher's fist. We then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a two-hoss wagon. I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about gettin up agin, but the man sed he reckoned I'd better, and I conclooded I would. He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin on my feet more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit me in the hed. The crowd sed it was high old sport, but I couldn't zackly see where the larfture come in. I riz and we embraced agin. We careered madly to a steep bank, when I got the* upper hands of my antaggernist and threw him into the raveen. He fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone pretty hard. I understood he was injured. I haven't heard from the grindstone. A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a apology was doo me. There was a mistake. The crowd had taken me for another man ! I told him not to men- tion it, and axed him if his wife and little ones was so as to be about, and got on bored the train, which had stopped at that station " 20 minits for refreshments." I got all I wantid. It was the hartiest meal I ever ct. I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire crackers bein tied to my coat tales. It was a fine spectycal in a draraatio pint of view, but I didn't enjoy it. I had other adventers of a startlin kind, but why continner? Why lasserate the Public Boozum with these here things ? Suffysit to say I got across Mason & Dixie's line safe at last. I made tracks for my hum- sted, but she to whom I'm hamist for life failed to recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before her, the gushin youth of forty-six summers who had left her only a few months afore. But I went into the pantry, and brought out a certin black bottle. Raisin it to my lips, I sed " Hero's to you, old gal 1" I did it so natral that she knowed me at once. '' Those form t FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 6S Them voice 1 That natral stile of doin things! 'Tishe!" she cried, and rushed into my arms. It was too much for her & she fell into a swoon. I cum very near swouudin mysglf. No more to-day from yours for the Pepe^ tration of the Union, and the bringiuof the Goddess of Liberty out of her present bad fix. Mr. Ward delivering bis great Union Speech. FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. DELIVERED JULY 4tH, AT WEATHERSPIELD, CONNECTICUT, 1859. [ I delivered the foUorin, about tAvo years ago, to a large and discriminating awjince. I was 96 minute passin a given point. I Lave revised the orasbun, aud added sum things which makes it approposser to the times than it otherwise would be. I have also corrected the grammers and punktooated it. I do my own punktooatin now days. The printers in \asity Fair oflBce can't punktooate worth a cent.] Feller Citizens : I've bin honored with a invite to noratc before you to-day ; and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to the task, I'm sure you will believe me. Weathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins and patritism the world over, and to be axed to paws and address you on this, my fust perfeshemal tower threw New Englan, causes me to feel — to feel — I may say it causes me to feel, (Grate applaws. They thought this was one of my eccentri- cities, while the fact is I was stuck. This between you and I.) I'm a plane man. I don't know nothin FOURTH f(J/.l\ RTH'OF JtLY oration. \ / ./ «boat no ded languages and am a little fihakj on livin ones. There4, expect no flowry talk from me. What I shall say -will be to the pint, right strate out. I'm not a politician and my other habits air good. I've no enemys to reward, nor friends to sponge. But I'm a Union man. I luve the Union— it is a Big thing— and it makes my hart bleed to see a lot of or- nery peple a-movin heaven— no, not heaven, but the other place — and earth, to bust it up. Too much good blud was spilt in courtin and marryin that hily respectable female the Goddess of Liberty, to git a divorce, from her now. My own State of Injianny is celebrated for unhitchin marrid peple with neatness and dispatch, but you can't git a divorce from the Goddess up there. Not by no means. The old gal has behaved herself too well to cast her off now. I'm sorry the picters don't give her no shoes or stockins, but the band of stars upon her bed must continner to shine undimd, forever. I'me for the Union as she air, and withered be the arm of every ornery cuss who attempts to bust her up. That's me. I hav sed ! [It was a very sweaty day, and at this pint of the orashun a man fell down with su^troke. I told the awjince that considerin the large number of putty gals present I was more fraid of a dawter stroke. This was impromptoo, and seemed to amoose them very much.] Feller Citizens — I hain't got time to notis the growth of Ameriky frum the time when the Mayflowers cum over in the Pilgrim and brawt Flymmuth Rock with them, but every skool boy nose our kareer has bin tremenjis. You will excuse me if I don't prase the erly settlers of the Kolonies. Peple which hung idiotic old wimin for witches, burnt holes in Quakers' tongues and consined their feller critters to the tred- mitt and pillery on the slitest provocashun may hav bin very nice folks in their way, but I must confess I don't admire their stile, and will pass them by. I spose they ment well, and so, in the novel and techin langwidge of the nusepapeis, '^ peas to their ashis." Thare was no cUskount, however, on them brave men who fit, bled and died in the American Revolushun. We needn't bo afraid of setting 'em up tv^o steep. Like my show, they will stand any amount of prase. G. Washington was abowt the best man this world ever sot eyes on. He was a clear-heded, warm-harted, and stiddy goin man. He never slopt over I The prevailin weakness of most public men is to SLOP OVER 1 [Put them words in large letters —A. W.] They git filled up and slop. They Rush Things. They travel too much on the high presher principle. They git on to the fust poplar hobyhoss whitch trots along, not carin a sent whether the beest is even goin, clear sited and sound or spavined, blind and bawky. Of course they git throwed eventooually, if not sooner. When they see the multitood goin it blind they go Pel Mel with it, instid of exertin theirselves to set it right. They can't see that the crowd which is nowbearin them triumfuntly on its shoulders will soon diskiver its error and cast them into the boss pond of Obliv- yun, without the slitest hesitashun. Wash- ington never slopt over. That wasn't George's stile. He luved his country dearly. He wasn't after the spiles. He was a human angil in a 3 komerd hat and knee britches, and we shan't see his like right away. My frends, we can't all be Washington's, but we kin all be patrits & behave ourselves in a human and a Christian manner. When we see a brother goin down hill to Ruin let us not give him a push, but let us seeze rito hold of his coat-tails and draw him back to Morality. Imagine G. Washington and P. Henry in the character of seseshers I As well fancy John Bunyan and Dr. Watts in spangled tites, doin the trapeze in a one-horse circus 1 I tell you feller-citizens, it would have bin ten dollars in Jeff Davis's pocket if he'd never bin born I ^U ^U afi ^U ^g ^M *^ ^^ r^ ^^ ^» ^p *l* ^v THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILlE. »T Be share and vote at leest once at all elecshuns. Buckle on yer Armer and go to the Poles. See two it that your naber is there. See that the kripples air provided with carriages. Go to the poles and stay all day. Bewair of the infamous liso which the Opposishun will be sartin to git up fur perlitical effek on the eve of elekshun. To the poles I and when you git there vote jest as you darn please. This is a privilege we all persess, and it is 1 of the booties of this grate and free land. I see mutch to admire in New England. Your gals in particklar air abowt as snug bilt peaces of Calliker as I ever saw. They air fully equal to the corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny, and will make the bestcst kind of wives. It sets my Buzzum on fire to look at 'em. Be still, my sole, be still, & you, Hart, stop cuttin up ! I like your skool houses, your meetin houses, your enterprise, gumpshun &c., but your favorit Bevridge I disgust. I allude to New England Rum. It is wuss nor the korn whisky of Injianny, which eats threw stone jugs & will turn the stumrauck of the most shiftliss Hog. I seldom seek consola- shun in the flowin Bole, but tother day I wurrid down some of your Rum. The fust glass indused me to sware like a infboriated trooper. On takin the secund glass I was seezed with a desire to break winders, & arter imbibin the third glass I knocht a small boy down, pickt his pocket of a New York Ledger, and wildly commenced readin Sylvanus Kobb's last Tail. Its drefful stuff — a sortof lickwid litenin, gut up under the personal supervishun of the devil— tears men's inards all to peaces and makes their noses blossum as thp Lobster. Shun it as you would a wild hycny with a fire brand tied to his tale, and while you air abowt it you will do a first rate thing for yourself and everybody abowt you by shunnin all kinds of intoxicatin lickers. You don't need 'em no more'n a cat needs 2 tales, sayin nothin abowt the trubble and sufferin they cawse. But unless your inards air cast iron, avoid New Englan's favorite Bevrige. My frends, I'm dun. I tear myself away from you with tears in my eyes & a pleasant oder of Onyins abowt my close. In the langwidge of Mister Catterline to the Rum- muns, I go, but perhaps I shall cum back agin. Adoo, peple of Wethersfield. Be virtoous & you'll be happy ! THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE. As soon as I'd recooperated my physikil system, I went over into the village. The peasantry was glad to see me. The skool- master sed it was cheerin to see that gigantic intelleck among 'em onct more. That's what he called me. I like the skool- master, and allers send him tobacker when I'm off on a travelin campane. Besides, he is a very sensible man. Such men must be encouraged. They don't git news very fastinBaldins- ville, as nothin but a plank road runs in there twice a week, and that's very much out of repair. So my nabers wasn't much posted up in regard to the wars. 'Squire Baxter sed he'd voted the dimicratic ticket for goin on forty year, and the war was a dam black republican lie. Jo. Stackpole, who kills hogs for the 'Squire, and has got a powerful muscle into his arms, sed he'd bet $5 he could lick -the Crisis in a fair stand-up fipht, if he wouldn't draw a knife on him. So it went — sum was for war, and sum was for peace. The skoolmaster, however, sed the Slave Oligarky must cower at the feet of the North ere a year had flowed by, or pass over his dead corpse, *' Esto perpetua I" he added ! " And sine fi8 THF WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE. qua non alaol" sed I, sternly, wishing to make a impression onto the villagers. " Requiescftt in pace 1" sed the schoolmaster. " Too troo, too troo I' I anserd, " it's a scanderlusfactl" The newspapers got along at last, chock full of war, and the patriotic fever fairly bust out in Baldinsvillc. 'Squire Baxter sed he didn't b'lieve in Coercion, not one of 'em, and could prove by a file of Eagles of Liberty in his garrit, that it^was all a Whig ' lie, got up to raise the price of whisky and destroy our other liberties. But the old 'Squire got putty riley, when he heard how the rebels was cuttin up, and he sed he reckoned he should skour up his old muskit and do a little square fitin for the Old Flag, which had allcrs bio on the ticket he'd voted and he was too old to Bolt now. The 'Squire is all right at heart, but it takes longer for him to fill his venerablo Bilcr with steam than it used to when h^ Joe Stackpole says he can lick the Seceshers in a fair standalf asleep, for on hearin the minister ask, ' ' Why was man made to mourn ?" I sed, • I giv it up," bavin a vague idee that it was a condrum. It was a onfortnit remark, for the whole raoetin house lookt at me with mingled surprise and indignation. I w&i about risin to a pint of order, when it suddenly occurd to me whare I was, and I kept my scat, blushin like tho red, rod rose — so to speak. Tho next momin I 'roso with the lark (N. B. — [ don't sleep with the lark, tho'. A goak.) My littlo dawter was czccootin ballids, accompany in herself with the Akordeon, and she wisht mc to linger and hear her sing : " Hark I hear a angel singin, a angel now is onto the wing." " Let him fly, my child !" said I, a-buc- lin on my armer, " I must forth to my Biz." We air progressin pretty well with our drill. As all air commandin offisscrs, there ain't no jclusy ; and as we air all exceedin smart, it faint worth while to try to out- strip each other. The idee of a company composed excloosively of Commander-in- Chiefs, orriggernated, I sposo I skurcely need say, in these Brane'. Considered as a idee, I flatter myself it is putty hefty. We've got all tho tackticks at our tongs' ends, but what we particly excel in is restia muskits. We can rest muskits with any- body. Our corpse will do its dooty. We go to the aid of Columby — we fight for the stars I We'll be chopt into sasige meat before we'll exhibit our coat-tales to tho foe. We'll fight till there's nothin left of us but our little to3s, and even they shall defiantly wiggle ! • " Ever of thee," .1. Ward. INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. Notwithstandin I haint writ much for tho papers of late, nobody needn't flatter thcirselvcs that the undcrsincd is ded. On the contry, "I still live," which words was spoken by Danyil Webster, who was a ablo man. Even the old-line whigs of Boston will admit that. Webster is dcd now. howscver, and his mantle has probly 60 T-: INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. , fallen into the hands of sum dealer in 2nd hand close, who can't sell it. Leastways nobody pears to be goin round wearin it to any pertioler ektcnt, now days. The rigiment of whom I was kurnel, finerly con- cluded they was better adapted as Home Gards, which accounts for your not hearin of me, ear this, where the hauls is the thickest and where the cannon doth ro'ar. But as a American citizen I shall never cease to admire the masterly advance our troops made on Washington from Bull Run, a short time ago. It was well dun. I spoke to my wife 'bout it at the time. My wife sed it was well dun. It havin there4 bin detarmined to per- tect Baldinsville at all hazzuds, and as there was no apprehensions of any immejit danger, I thought I would go orf onto a pleasure tower. Accordinly I put on a clean Biled Shirt and started for Washin- ton. I went there to see the Prints Napo- leon, and not to see the place, which I will here take occasion to obsarve is about as uninterestin a locality as there is this side of J. Davis's future home, if he ever does die, and where I reckon they'll make it so warm for him that he will si for his summer close. It is easy enough to see why a man goes to the poor house or the peniten- tiary. It's becawz he can't help it. But why he should woluntarily go and live in Washinton, is entirely beyond my compre- hension, and I can't say no fairer nor that. I put up to a leadin hotel. I saw the landlord, and sed, " How d'ye do. Square ?" " Fifty cents, sir " was his reply. "Sir?" ** Half-a-dollar. We charge twenty-live cents for lookin at the landlord and fifty cents for speakin to him. If you want supper, a boy will show you to the dinin room for twenty-five cents. Your room bein in the tenth story, it will cost you a dollar to be shown up there." " How much do you ax a man for bretithin in this equipomikal tarvun ?" sed 1. ; " Ten cents a Breth," was his reply. Washinton hotels is very reasonable ia their charges. [N. B. — This is Sarkas- sum.] I sent up my keerd to the Prints, and was immejitly ushered before him. He received me kindly, and axed me to sit down. " I hav cum to pay my respecks to you. Mister Napoleon, hopin I see you hale and harty." " I am quite well," he sed. " Air you well, sir?" " Sound as a cuss !" I answerd. He seemed to bo pleased with my ways, and we entered into conversation to onct. " How's Lewis ?" I axed, and he sed the Emperor was well. Eugcny was likewise well, he sed. Then I axed him was Lewis a good provider ? did he cum home arly nites ? did ho pcrfoom her bedroom at a onseasonable hour with gin and tanzy ? Did he go to " the Lodge " on xiitcs when there wasn't any Lodge ? did he often hav to go down town to meet a friend ? did he hav a extensiv acquaintance among poor young widdcrs whose husbands was in Californy ? to all of which questions the Prints per- litely rcplide, givin me to understan that the Emperor was behavin we^. " I ax these questions, my royal duke and most noble highness and imperials, becaws I'm anxious to know how he stands as a man. I know he's smart. He is cunnin, he is long-heded, he is deep— he is grate. But onlcss he is good he'll come down with a crash one of these days and the Bonyparts will be Bustid up agin. Bet yerlifel" " Air you a preacher, sir ?" he inquired, slitely sarkasticul. " No, sir. But I bleeve in morality. I likewise bleeve in Meetin Houses. Show me a place where there isn't any Meetin Houses and where preachers is never seen, and I'll show you a place where old hat* air stuffed into broken winders, where the I children air dirty and ragged, where gato^ INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 61 haye no hinges, Tvhcro the wimin are slipshod, and \rherc maps of the devil's " wild land " air painted upon men's shirt- bosums with tobacco-joore ! That's what I'll show you. Let us consider what the preachers do for us before wo aboose 'em." He scd ho didn't mean to aboose the clergy. Not at all, and ho was happy to see that I was interested in the Bonypart family. " It's a grate family," sed I. " But they scooped the old man in." "How, sir?" " Napoleon the Grand. The Britishers scooped him at Waterloo. He wanted to do too much, and he did it I They scooped him in at Waterloo, and he subsekently died at St. Ilcleny I There's where the gratcst military man this world ever pro- juced pegged out. It was rather hard to consine such a maa as him to St. Heleny, to spend his larst days in catchin mackeril, and walkin up and down the dreary beach in a military cloak drawn titely round him, (see pictcr-books), but so it was. ' lied of the \rmy 1' Them was his larst words. So he had bin. He was grate ! Don't I wish we had a pair of his old boots to command sura of our Brigades!" This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by the hand. " Alexander the Grate was punkins," I continnered, but Napoleon was punkinser ! Alio, wept becaws there was no more worlds to scoop, and then took to drinkin. He drowndid his sorrers in the flowin bole, and the floWin bole was too much for him. It ginerally is. He undertook to give a snake exhibition in his boots, but it killed him. That was a bad joke on Alio !" " Since you air so solicitous about France and the Emperor, may I ask you how your own country is getting along?" sed Jerome, in a pleasant voice. " It's mixed." I sed. " But I think we shall cum out all right." " Columbus, when he diskivered this magnificent continent, could hav had no idee of the grandeur it would ono day assoom," sed the Prints. It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out his cxplorin expedition," sed I. " If he had bin a sensible man he'd hav put the money in a boss railroad or a gas company, and left this magnificent conti- nent to intelligent savages, who when they got hold of a good thing knew enuff to keep it, and who wouldn't hav seceded, nor rebelled, nor knockt Liberty in the bed with a slungshot. Columbus wasn't much of a feller, after all. It would have bin money in my pocket if he'd staid to home. Chris, ment well, but he put his foot in it • when he salcd for America." We tajked sum more about matters and things, and at last I riz to go. " I will now say good bye to you, noble sir, and good luck to you. LikewisethesametoCIotildy. Also to the gorgeous persons which compose your soot. If the Emperor's boy don't like livin at the Tooleries, when he gits older, and would like to imbark in the show bizniss, let him come with mc and I'll make a man of him. You find us sumwhat mixed, as I before obsarved, but come again next year and you'll find us clearer nor ever. The American Eagle has lived too sumptuously of late — his stummic becum foul, and he's takin a slito emetic. That's all. We're gettin ready to strike a big blow and a sure one. When we do strike the fur will fly and secession will be in the hands of tho undertaker, sheeted for so deep a grave that nothin short of Gabriel's trombone will ever awaken it! Mind what I say. You've heard the showman 1" Then advisin him to keep away from the Peter Funk auctions of the East, and the proprietors of corner-lots in the West, I bid him farewell, and went away. There was a levee at Senator What's-his- , name's, and I thought I'd jine in tne fes- tivities for a spell. Who should I see but she that was Sarah Watkins, now the wife of owT Congresser, trippin in the dance, dressed up to kill in her store close. Sarah's 62 A JUVENILE COMPOSITIOiN.-MARION. father uso to keep a little groscry store in our town and sho used to clerk it for him in busy times. I was rushin up to shako hands with her when sho turned on her heel, and tossin her hcd in a contcmptooious manner, walked away from mc very rapid. " Hallo, Sal," I hollered, " can't you meas- ure mo a quart of them best mclassos ? I may want a codfish, also I" I guess this reminded her of the littlo red store, and "" the days of her happy childhood." But I fell in with a nice littlo gal after that, who was much sweeter than Sally's father's mclassos, and I axed her if wo shouldn't glido in tho messy danco. Sho sod wc should, and wo Olodc. I intended to make this letter very scris, but a few goaks may havo accidcntaHy crept in. Never mind. Besides, I think it improves a komick paper to publish a goak once in a while. Yours Muchly, WARD, (Artejius.) I. A JUVENILE COMPOSITION. ON THE ELEPHANT. The elephant is the most largest Anny- mile in the whole world. He eats hay and Jcakes. You must not give tho Elephant Tobacker, becoz if you do ho will stamp his grato big feet upon to you and kill you fatally Ded. Some folks thinks the Elephant is tho most noblest Annymilo in tho world, but as for Mo giv Mo the American Egil and tho Stars & Stripes. Alexander Pottles his Peace. XL A POEM BY THE SAME. SOME VERSES SUGESTID BY 2 OP MY UNCLES. Uncle Simon he Clum up a tree , . To see what he could see When presentlec Uncle Jim Clum up beside of him And squatted down by ho MARION: A. ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL. On the sad sea shore ! Always to hear the moaning of these dismal waves! Listen. I will tell you my story — my fitory of love, of misery, of black despair. , Friday, , 1860. I am a moral Frenchman. She whom I adore, whom I adoro still, is the wife of a fat Marquis — a lop-eared, blear-eyed, greasy Marquis. A man with« LETTER FROM A MEMBER OP THE HOME GUARD. •8 oat 80ul. A man \7ith0ut Bcntimcnt, who oarca naught for moonlight and music. A low, practical man, who pays hia debts. I hato him. II. She, my soul's delight, my empress, my angel, is superbly beautiful. I loved her at first sight — devotedly, madly. Sho dashed past me in her coup(5. I saw her but a moment — perhaps only an instant — but she took me captive then and there, forcvermore. Forevermorc 1 I followed her, after that, wherever she went. At length she came to notice, to smilo upon mc. My motto was en avant I That is a French word I got it out of the back part of Worcester's Dictionary. III. She wrote me that I might come and see her at her own house. Oh, joy, joy unut- terable, to see her at her own heuse ! I went to see her after nightfall, in the soft moonlight. She came down the graveled walk to meet me, on this_[ beautiful midsummer night — came to me in pure white, her golden hair in splendid disorder — strangely beautiful, yet in tears ! She told me her fresh grievances. Tho Marquis, always a despot, had latterly misused her most vilely. That very morning, at breakfast, he had cursed tho fishballa and sneered at tho pickled oniona. Sho is a good cook. The neighbors will tell you so. And to bo told by tho baso Marquis — a man who, previous to his mar- riage, had lived at tho cheap eating-houses — to bo told by him that her manner of frying fishballa was a failure — it was too much. Her tears fell fast. I too wept. I mixed my sobs with her'n. "Fly with mc !" I cried. Her lips met mine. I held her in my arras. I felt her breath upon my check ! It was Ilunkey. " Fly with mc. To New York ! I will write romances for tho Sunday papers — real French romances, with morals to them. My stylo will bo appreciated. Shop girls and young mercantile persons will adore it, and I will amass wealth with my ready pen. Ere she could reply— ere sho could articulate her ecstacy, her husband, the Marquis, crept snake-like upon mc. Shall I write it ? He kicked me out of the garden — he kicked me into tho street. I did not return. How could I ? I, so ethereal, so full of soul, of sentiment, of sparkling originality I lie, so gross, so practical, so lop-eared ! Had I returned, the creature would have kicked me again. So I left Paris for this place — this place so lonely, so dismal. Ah me! Oh dear I TOUCHING LETTER FROM A GORY MEMBER OF THE HOME GUARD Dear Fatner and Mother : We are getting along very well. We mess at Delmonico's. Do not repine for your son. Some must suffer for the glori- Broadway, Dec. 10, '61. ous Stars and Stripes, and, dear parents, why should'nt I ? Tell Mrs. SkuUer that we do not need tno blankets she so kindly 64 EAST SIDE THEATRICALS. sent to us, as \?e bunk at the St. Nicholas and Metropolitan. What our brave lads stand most in need of now, is Fruit €ake and Waffles. Do not weep for me. Henry ADOLPHUg. Home Guard Drill." EAST SIDE THEATRICALS. The Broadway houses have givin the public immense quantities of Central Park, Seven Sisters, Nancy Sykes and J. Cade. I suppose the Broadway houses have done this chiefly because it has paid them, and so I mean no disrespect when I state that to me the thing became rather stale. I sighed for novelty. A man may stand stewed veal for several years, but banquets consisting exclusively of stewed veal would become uninteresting after a century or so. A man would want something else. The least particular man, it seems to me, would desire to have tis veal " biled, " by way of a change. So I, tired of the thread-bare pieces at the Broadway houses, went to the East side for something fresh. I wanted to Bee some libertines and brigands. I wanted to seo some cheerful persons iden- tified with the blacksmith and sewing machine interests triumph over those liber- tines and brigands, in the most signal man- ner. I wanted, in short, to see the Down- fall of Vice and Triumph of Virtue. That was what ailed me. And so I went to the East Side. Poor Jack Scott is gone, and Jo. Kirby dies no more on the East Side. They've got the blood and things over there, but alas ! they're deficient in lungs. The tra- gedians in the Bowery and Chatham street of to-day don't start the shingles wa the roof as their predecessors, now cold and stifiF in death, used to when they threw themselves upon their knees at the foot- lights and roared a red hot curse after the lord who had carried Susan away, swearing to never more cat nor drink until the lord's EAST SIDE THEATRICALS. 65 vile heart waa torn from his body, aiid ther-rown to the dorgs — rattling their knives against the tin lamps and glaring upon the third tier most fearfully the while. ' Glancing at the spot where it is said Senator Benjamin used to vend second- hand clothes, and regretting that he had not continued in that comparatively hono- rahle vocation instead of sinking to his present position ; — wondering if Jo. Kirby would ever consent, if he were a., < e, to die wrapped up in a Secession flag ! — 'gazing admiringly upon the unostentaljiofts sign- board which is suspended in front of the Hon. Izzy Lazarus's tavern ; — glancing, wondering and gazing thus, I enter the old Chatham theatre. The pit is full, but people fight shy of the boxes. The play is about a servant-giil, who comes to the metropolis from the agricultu- ral districts, in short skirts, speckled hose, and a dashing little white hat, gaily decked with pretty pink ribbons — that being the One of the Broadway " Seven Sisters." style of dress invariably worn by servant- girls from the interior. She is accom- panied by a chaste young man in a short- tailed red coat, who, being very desirous of protecting her from the temptations of a larga oity, naturally leaves her in the street and goes off somewhere. Servant-girl en- counters an elderly female, who seems to be a very nice sort of person, indeed, but the young man in a short-tailed ooat comes in and thrusts the elderly female aside, calling her A vile hag." This pleases the pit, which is ever true co virtue, and it accord- ingly cries " Hi ! hi I hi I " A robber appears. The idea of a robber in times lik* these, is rather absurd. The most adroit robber would eke out a miser- able subsistence if he attempted to follow his profession now-a-days. I should prefer to publish a daily paper in Chelsea. Never- theless, here is a robber. He 'has been playing poker with his " dupe," but singu- larly enough the dupe has won all the money. Thia displeases the robber, and it 66 SOLILOQUYOF A LOW THIEF. occurs to him that he m\l kill the dupe. He accordingly sticks him. The dupe staggers, falls, says " Dearest Eliza ! " and dies. Cries of hi! hi! hi!" in the pit, while a gentleman with a weed on his hat, in the boxes, states that the price of green smelts is f'3 cents a quart. This an- nouncemeu is not favorably received by the pit, several members of which come back at the weeded individual with some advice in regard to liquidating a long- standing account for beans and other re- freshments at an adjacent restaurant. The robber is seized with remorse, and says the money which he has taken from the dupe's pockets, " scorches " him. Rob- ber seeks refuge in a miser's drawing-room, where he stays for " seven days." There is a long chest, full of money and diamonds in the room. The chest is unlocked, but misers very frequently go off and leave long chests full of money unlocked in their drawing rooms, for seven days ; and this robber was too much of a gentleman to take advantage of this particular miser's absence. "By-and-by the miser returns, when the robber quietly kills him and chucks him in the chest. " Sleep with your gold !" old man! " says 'he bold robber, as he melo- dramatically retreats — retreats to a cellar where the servant girl resides. Finds that she was formerly his gal, when he resided in the rural districts, and regrets having killed BO many persons, for if so be he hadn't he might marry her and settle down^ whereas now he can't do it, as he says he is " unhappy." But he gives her a ring — a ring he had stolen from the dupe — and files. Presently the dupe, who has come to life in a singular but eminently theat- trical manner, is brought into the cel- lar. He discovers the ring upon the ser- vant girl's finger — servant girl states that she is innocent, and the dupe, with the remark that he sees his mother, dies, this time positively without reserve. Servant girl is taken to Newgate, whither goes the robber and gains admission by informing the turnkey that he is her uncle. Throws off his disguise, and like a robber bold and gay, says he is the guilty party and wiU save the servant girl. He drinks a vial of poison, says he sees his mother, and dies to slow fiddling. Servant girl throws herself upon him wildly, and the virtuous young party in a short-tailed coat comes iu and assists in the tableau. Robber tells the servant girl to take the party in the short-tailed coat and be happy — repeats that he sees his mother (they always do), and dies again. Cries of "Hi! hi! hi!" and the weeded gentleman reiterates the price of green smelts. v JJot a remarkably heavy plot, but quite as bulky as the plots of the Broadway sensation pieces. SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF. My name is Oim Griggins. I'm a low thief. My parients was ignoraA folks, and as poor as the shaddor of a bean pole. My advantages for gettin' a eddycation was exceedin' limited. I growcd up in the street, quite loose and permiskis, you see, and took to vice because I had nothing else to take to, and because nobody had never given me a sight at virtue. I'm in the penitentiary. I was sent here onct before for priggin' a watch. I served out my time, and now I'm here agin, this time for stealin' a few insignificant clothes. I shall always blame my parients for not eddycatin' me. Had 1 biu liberally eddycated I could with my brilliant native talents, nave bin a big thief. — I b'leeve they call 'em defaulters. Instead of confiniu' SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 67 myself to priggin' clothes, watches, spoons and sich like, I could have plundered princely sums — thousands and hundreds of thousands of dollars — and that old humbug, the law, wouldn't have harmed a hair of my head 1 " For, you see, I should be smart enough to get elected State Treasurer, or have something to do with Banks or Rail- roads, and perhaps a little of both. Then, you see, I could ride in my carriage, live in a big house with a free stun frunt, drive a fast team, and drink as much gin and sugar as I wanted. A inwestigation might be made, and some of the noosepapers might come down on me heavy, but .what the d — 1 would I care about that, havin' previously taken precious good care f the stolen money ? Besides, my " party " would swear stout that I was as innersunt as the new-born babe and a great many people would wink very pleasant, and say, " Well, Griggins understands what he's 'bout, HE does!" But bavin' no cddycation, I'm only a» low thief — a stealer of watches and spoons and sich — a low wretch, anyhow— and the Law puts me through without mercy. It's all right, I s'pose, and yet I some- times think it's wery hard to be shut up here, a wearin checkered clothes, a livin' on cold vittles, a sleepin' on iron beds, a lookin' out upon the world through iron muskeeter bars, and poundin' stun like a galley slave day after day, week after week, and year after year, while my brother thieves (for to speak candid, there's no difference between a thief and a defaulter, except that the latter is forty times wuss) who have stolen thousands of dollars to my one cent, are walkin' out there in the bright sunshine — dressed up to kill, new clothes upon tbeir backs and piles of gold in their pockets! But the Law dont tech 'em. They are too big game for the Law to shoot at. It's as much as the Law can do to take care of us ignorant thieves. Who said there was no difference 'tween tweedledum and tweedledce ? He lied in his throat, like a villain as he was ! I tell ye there's a tremendous difference. Oh that I had been liberally eddycated 1 Jim Griqgins^ Sing-Sing, 1860. SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. It was customary in many of the inland towns of New England, some thirty years ago, to celebrate the anniversary of the sur- render of Lord Cornwallis, by a sham rep- resentation of that important event in the history of the Revolutionary War. A town meeting would be called, at which a com- pany of men would be detailed as British, and a company as Americans — two leading citizens being selected to represent Wash- ington and Cornwallis in the mimic sur- render. The pleasant little town of W , in whose schools the writer has been repeatedly " corrected," upon whose ponds he has often skated ; upon whose richest orchards he has, with other juvenile bandits, many times dashed in the silent midnight; the town of W , where it was popularly believed these bandits would " come to a bad end," resolved to celebrate the surrender. Rival towns had celebrated, and W deter- mined to eclipse them in the most signal manner. It is my privilege to tell how W succeeded in this determination. The great day came. It was ushered in by the roar of musketry, the ringing of the village church bell, the squeaking of fifes, and the rattling of drums. People poured into the village from all over tL. county. Never had W ex- perienced such a jam. Never had there been such an onslaught upon gingerbread carts. Never had New England rum (for ■ ■'-' ~i!py •^Ji^?^ €8 SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. this was before Neal Dow's day) flowed so freely. And W 's fair daughters, who mounted the house-tops to see the surrender, had never looked fairer. The old folks came, too, and among them were several wai, scarred heroes, who had fought gal- lantly at Monmouth and Yorktown. These brave sons of '76 took no part in the de- monstration, but an honored bench was set apart for their exclusive use on the piazza of Sile Smith's store. When they were dry, all they had to do was to sing out to Sile's boy, Jerry, ^* a leetle New Englan' this way, if you please." It was brought forthwith. At precisely 9 o'clock, by the school- master's new "Lepeen" watch, the Ameri- can and British forces marched on to the village green and placed themselves in battle array, reminding the spectator of the. time when " Brare Wolf drew up his men > In a style most pretty, On the Plains of Abraham Before the city." The character of Washington had been assigned to 'Squire Wood, a well-to-do and influential farmer, while that of Cornwallis had been given to the village lawyer, a kind- hearted but rather pompous person, whose name was Caleb Jones. 'Squire Wood, the Washington of the occasion, had- met with many unexpected . difficulties in prepari' ^ his forces, and in his perplexity he had emptied not only his own canteen but those of most of his aids. The consequence was — mortifying as it must be to all true Americans — blushing as I do to tell it, Washington at the com- mencement of the mimic struggle was most unqualifiedly drunk. The sham fight commenced. Bang I bang I bang I from the Americans— bang ! tang 1 bang 1 from the British. The bangs were kept hotly up until the powder gave out, and then came the order to charge. Hundreds of wooden bavonets flashed fierce- ly in the sunlight, each soldier taking very good care not to hit any body. . « Thaz (hie) right," shouted Washibg- ton, who during the shooting had been ra< cing his horse wildly up and down the line, " thaz right 1 Gin it to 'em ! Cut their tarnal heads off ! " ''On Romans I" shrieked Cornwallis, who had once seen a theatrical performanc3 and remembered the heroic appeals of the Thespian belligerents, " on to the fray I No sleep till mornin'." " Let eout all their bowels," yelled Wash- ington, " and down with taxation on tea ! " The fighting now ceased, the opposing forces were properly arranged, and Corn- wallis, dismounting, prepared to present his sword to Washington according to pro- gramme. As he walked slowly towards the Father of his Country he rehearsed the little speech he had committed for the oc- casion, while the illustrious being who was to hear it was making desperate efforts to keep in his saddle. Now he would wildly brandish his sword and narrowly escape cutting off his horse's ears, and then ho would fall suddenly forward on to the steed's neck, grasping the mane as drowning men seize hold of straws. He was giving an inimitable representation of Toodles on horseback. All idea of the magnitude of the occasion had left him, and when he saw Cornwallis approaching, with slow and stately step, and swordhilt extended toward him he inquired, > " What-'n devil you want, any (hie) how!" " General Washington," said Cornwallis, in dignified and impressive tones, " I tender you my sword. I need not inform you, Sir, how deeply — The speech was here out suddenly short by Washington, who, driving the spuria into his horse, playfully attempted" to run over the commander of the British forces. He was not permitted to do this, for his aids, seeing his unfortunate condition, seized the horse by the bridle, straightened Washing- THE WIFE. af \ /ton up ia his saddle, and requested Corn- ^ wallis to proceed with his remarks. " General Washington," said Comwallis, " the British Lion prostrates himself at the feet of the American Eao;le ! " " Eagh ? Eagle ! yelled the infuriated Washington, rolling off his horse and hit- ing Comwallis a frightful blow on the head with the flat of his sword, '' do you call mc a Eagle, you mean sneakin cuss?" He struck him again, sending him to the ground, and said, " I'll learn you to call me a Eagle, you infernal scoundrel ! " Comwallis remained upon the ground only a moment. Smarting from the blows he had received, he arose with an entirely unlooked for recuperation on the part of the fallen, and in direct defiance of historical example; in spite of the men of both na- tions, indeed, he whipped the Immortal Washington until he roared for mercy. The Americans, at first mortified and indignant at the conduct of their chief, now began to sympathize with him, and resolved to whip their mock foes in earneast. They rushed fiercely upon them, but the British were really the stronger party and drove the Americans back. Not content with this they charged madly upon them and drove them from the field — from the village, in fact. There were many heads damaged, eyes draped in mourning, noses fractured and legs lamed — it is a wonder that no one was killed outright. Washington was confined to his house for several weeLs, but he recovered at last. For a time there was a coolness between himself and Comwallis, but they finally con- cluded to join the whole county in laughing about the surrender. They livenow. Time, the "artist," has" thoroughly white-washed their heads, but they are very jolly still. On town meeting days, the old 'Squii'c always rides down to the village. In the hind part of his vener- able yellow wagon is always a bunch of hay, ostensibly for the old white horse, but really to hide a glass bottle from the vulgar gaae. This bottle has on one side a likeness of Lafayette, and upon the other may be seen the Goddess of Liberty. What the bottle contains inside I cannot positively say, but i*, is true that 'Sf^uirc Wood and Lawyer Jones visit that bottle very frequently on town meeting days and come back looking quite red in the face. When this redness in the face becomes of the blazing kind, as it generally does by the time the polls close, a short dialogue like this may be heard : " We shall never play surrender again, Lawyer Jones ! " " Them days is over, 'Squire Wood ! " And then they laugh and jocosely punch each other in the ribs. THE WIFE. Home tbej brought Ler warrior dead ; She nor swooned, nor uttered cry ; All her maidens, watching, said, " She must weep or she will die." The propriety of introducing a sad story like the following, in a book intended to be rather cheerful in its character, may be questioned; but it bo beautifully illus- trates the firmness of woman when grief and despair have taken possession of " the chambers of her heart," that we cannot re- frain from relating it. Lucy 51 — loved with all the ardor of a fond and faithful wife, and when he, upon whom she bad so confidingly leaned, was stolen from her by death, her friends and P 70 THE WIFE. oompanioiiB said Lucy would go jpad. Ab, bow little they new her t Quing for the last time upon the clay- oold features of her departed husband, this young widow — ^beautiful even in her grief: BO etbereal to look upon and yet so fin ! —looking for the last time upon the dear, familiar face, now cold and still in dea^ — Oh, looking for the last, last time — sl^e rapidly put on her bonnet, and thus ad- dressed the sobbing gentlemen who were to act as pall-bearers : " You pall-bearers just go into the buttery and get some rum, and we'll start this man right along I " New Ecgland Bom, and its EfllBetf. -;<•:;