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Les diagrammes suivants illustrent la m^thode. 2 3 5 6 MICROCOPY RESOLUTION TEST CHART (ANSI ond ISO TEST CHART No 2) 1.0 I.I 1.4 2.5 1 2.2 2.0 1.8 1.6 ^^ 'b'Di EasI Mam Street ^^S Rochestef. Ne* »ork ' *609 uSA '-^ (^16) 48^- OJOO - Phone ^S f^'6) '88 - 5989 - Fa. Govcriiment \AU A BOOK OF BALLADS ty Charles Gordon Ro*/ers / GOVERNMENT CLERKS ^ ^ A BOOK of BALLADS By Charles Gordon Rogers Internadonal Copyright 190* by Charles Gordon Rogers Press ^Andrew H. Kellogg 409 Pearl Street /> /> New York CONTENTS. Aurella 3 Ballad of Monsieur L'Tweeleree ig Diaphanous Day 81 Double Foolscap 88 Oubbins 27 Jack O'Dee 26 Jim Potter 12 Punctual 83 Richard and Robert 11 Stella 24 Superannuated 16 Tapeley 86 Tickety-Touch . g The Wise Guy 21 The Workaday Government Clerk 1 Toung DrWel S The Workaday Government Clerk, HERE'S to the workaday gOTemment clerk. Who does to the govemment's credit hla work; Trudging each day a monotoDoua track, Forward and backward and forward and back ; Pegging away at the ancient routine, — (Much ia accomplished where little ia seen); Arduous labor and technical work, — Here's to the workaday goyemment clerk Here's to the workaday government clerk, Gray-headed, bald-headed, florid or dark; Stoopy men, droopy men, little and big. Work again, home again, jiggety Jig! Old in the Service or young at the game. What ai3 the odds if the end is the same? Whether his hope be a flame or a spark. Hero's to the workaday government clerk! Here's to the workaday government clerk. Doing his best without shamming or shirk. Whether his children or dollars Increase, Whether he asketh or holdeth his peace. Whether he getteth promotion or (p)ralse, Doing his best to the end of his days. Too thorough to fail and too honest to shirk. Here's to the workaday government clerk! Here's to the workaday government clerk! Daily he maketh (on paper) his mark. Whether he getteth or not what be ought. Earning it, burning It, (comforting thought!) Paying his debts with apportioning care. Or banking a bit while the weather Is fair, Making each pay-day bis reckoning mark, Here's to the workaday government clerk! THE WORKADAY OOVERSMENT OLERK. Here's to the workaday government clerk! The people employ him, and scoff at his work. If he go shabby, " a miserly blade! " If he dress well, " Ah, too well is he paid! " His affairs unofficial are his, and alone; He's doing your business and minding h!<) own. And as long as he does to your credit his work. Here it to the workaday government clerk! ^ c/hitelia.. AURELIA Amabel Wray Was a typist, expert and fair: With limpid and luminous eyea of gray. That she used in a wonderful, wondering way, And glorious goldene hair. Charming Aurelia Wray Would make a most lovable rib. She was twenty-two on her last birthday, (I am going by just what the blue booko say). And blue books, of course, can't fib. Tender Aurciia Wray Was soft on a clerk named Wright, Who worked In an ofBce across the way, Shorthanded, and hard, at a Junior's pay. And often went back at night Aurella Amabel Wray Was vexed for a Wright good reason. For fte had gone wrong on Fidelia Fay, Who " typed " for another department's pay. Which was semi-official treason. Lieutenant Aurelia Wray Unfettered one morning's mail; For the Secretary had Grippe that day. And the Chief with ftls grip had been called away,- And hangeth thereby my tale. Suspicious Aurelia Wray Broke the seal of a " confidential "; For the writing was feminine, fine and " Fay," And she had to see what «fte had to say, — Though she knew It was not essential. AUKELIA. Smiling Aurelia Wray Read the note to Its end — fideUter. And its end was ashes, and fine, and gray. And Fidelia thinks that It went astray.— For who in the world could tell it her? Strategic Aurelia Wray Stole Fidelia's " transfer " thunder. And she robed herself in her best array. And she added a blush when she called that day, Though her own cool cheek lay under. Smit with official delight Was the august Head with Aurelia; And he made a memo in black and white. When she asked for that " transfer " to work with Wright, And she got it— to spite Fidelia. False, for Aurelia Wray, Was Wright to the wronged Fidelia; And he works less hard, and for better pay. Though he never goes back at night, they say. For both are controlled by Aurelia. uC^ Young Drivel YOUNG Drivel was a C. S. clerk; Young Drivel hated C. S. work; That Is, the work he'd do each day. For which each month he drew his pay. Young Drivel came at half -past nine; (That is the hour he would sign) ; Young Drivel left quite sharp at four; The office did not aak for more. Young Drivel hated, as I've said, The work undone that gave him bread. Young Drivel loved the social swim His sinecure afforded him. Yourg Drivel scanned the morning news The social column to peruse. Young Drivel thought it proper fame To find in such a niche his name. To driving party, tea, or ball, To dinner, rout, or Rideau Hall, Young Drivel dearly loved to go, And deep in debt to have it so. Young Drivel lunched ac half-past one. Like any other social gun; Young Drivel smoked his visage green. And sauntered back at three-fifteen. Or if he found some pleasure call. He would not saunter back at all. Perhaps he'd meet some nice young ladies, And let the office " go to Hades." YOUyO DRIVEL. The story In a current in. g, The glory of a current jag. Made proper pastime, that delay Evolved into a holiday. Or if inclined, he'd take a cue, (It was the only one he knew), And idle o'er a game of pool, (Where anglers often drown the fool). Young Drivel met a stranger there. He had a most distinguished air, And, if appearances may tell, He was a tip-top, howling swell. Young Drivel asked — I've sllpptfi". the name — If he would like to have a game; And as it was but half-past two, The kindly stranger took a cue. 1 Young Drivel talked, young Drivel played. And marveled at the shots he made! The Btranror marked, and marveled, too. And put more chalk upon his cue. Young Drivel talked official woes. Relating why he never rose; And, with his wrongs before him red. He damned the Departmental Head. Young Drivel sent for cocktails, too; The stranger smiled, and chalked his cue; Young Drivel drank, young Drivel talked; The sympathetic stranger clialked. Young Drivel for more cocktails sent. And raved of " pull " and " preferment." He told some cock-and-bull tales, too; The stranger winked and chalked his cue. e YOUNQ DRIVEL. TouDg Drivel did not come next day To work; It was his little way. He bad, and so he stayed In bed, A sort of unofficial " head." 11 Young Drivel got a letter there; It had a large, official air: Seal, frank, and file, and foolscap blue — Which seemed to fit young Drivel, too. Toung Drivel's cure was past belief; He went post-haste to see his chief; Because that "stranger" chanced to be Toung Drivel's brand new Deputee ! {; Tickety-Touch, COMING along to the time halt-way, It's a fortnight good, between The pay-day past and the next month's pay Of the short-in-the-hand long green; When you haven't a dollar loaned out to a friend, (If you had would it benefit you?) And you haven't a bill in your pocket (to spend), Why, this Is the cud you chew: i, Oh, it's touch! touch! touch! No matter which way you turn, And it's touch! touch! touch! and bills on your desk to burn! Whatever your pay or position, or whether you're high or low, Because you are "in the Service," you're a target for Touch and Co. t i ; 'n I It isn't the touch of your creditor, mind. For that is a touch that goes; He took us on trust, which was going It blind, For fuel and food and clothes; It isn't the touch of his calling man, (Poor beggar, to call so much!) It's the manifold touch on the quarter-ly plan. The tickety-tickety-touch. When it's touch! touch! touch! Please take some tickets from me! And it's touch! touch! touch! Our church is In debt. (So are we!) So sorry you cannot use them, you will miss the treat of your lite! It's the money we want, and the tickets,— (Oh, thanks! ) we can sell again— to your wife. 8 TICKETY-TOVCH. There's the touc of the sturdy cripples; (How well the poor beggars must feed! ) There's the touch of the man who tipples: (And werry much, sir, in need!) There's the orphan's appeal, in verses; There's the man who is buying a crutch; But the frequentest touc' on the purse Is The tickety-tickety-touch. And it's touch! touch! touch! for tombola, bazaar and ball, Where it's touch! touch! touch! and "Charity" cov- ereth all. Concert and tableaux and "opera," the expenses the profits have hived; But it's all for the glory of giving, — and the fun the performers derived. There are touches, on monthly payment. For author and magazine; There are peddlers of things of raiment; There are sellers of soaps that clean; There are touches for loans in hallways; There are raffles and drawings, and such; But the touch that abldeth always Is the tickety-tickety-touch. When it's touch! touch! touch! for the good of our Parish P., And it's to'ich! touch! touch! for a trip o'er the bounding sea. A purse-ian lamb coat for the winter; and a sermon for those who shiver That it's far less blessed, though warmer, to be the receiver than giver. There are strawberry socials at Blankville; Lawn parties wherever you range; Bazaars where the rate on a bank bill Is one hundred per cent ex-change; There are touches in suburb and city. From the price of a bat t j. Hutch; So preserve us, good Lord, in thy pity From the infinite tickety-toucb! TICKETY-TOVOH. For it's touch! touch! touch! And they laugh when you say you are broke. And it's touch! touch! touch! Was there ever a Jol- lier Joke? Don't say that your pocket Is empty, don't tell 'em you cannot go; Some friend (poor old mutf!) you, must "touch " for the stuff — ijut surrender to Touch and Co. M ^chard and Robert. THEiRE were two brothers who went to school, And Dick was the scholar and Bob the fool; Richard and Robert were brothers twain, And Richard was known tor hi? bulging brain. Richard be studied hard and late. Till he earned a third-class certificate. And thereby money and more renown, For he taught a school in his native town. Then Richard he looked, and with longing eyes. To a larger sphere and a greater prize; And to the city one day went he To have a shy at the C. S. E. History, spelling, arithmetic. Were grist at the mill of the learned Dick; And the puzzles in grammar he saw clear through, (Though the sort he spoke was a puzzle, too). He passed, and his county's kind M. P. Passed him on to Department O, And there at the minimum third-class pay He dreamed ot a Deputyship some day. He dreamed; but he woke to understand That a flourishing. Capital, copper-plate hand Was not the sort of a hand, you see, That could help In busy Department 0; That a knowledge, no matter how deep, of " rules," The erudition profound of schools. While commendable quite In a G. S. clerk. Could have little to do with his C. S. work. Now, Robert " the fool " (the Devil such tricks Will play) had gone into politics; And he pleased his Great Party so well that he Wai made Deputy M. of Department O. 11 t*-a Jim hotter. THE human attribute called Pride By varied paths may tread up; A sort the satirists deride By affluence is fed up. A score unsettled Honor frets; Deuce doubles while he daains bis debts; The while the poorer Poorboy gets, The higher goes his head up. (• \: Jim Potter was a modest chap, Of fashionless pretension; For style be did not give a rap, Nor needed It a mention. The fact was patent as bis nose. And copyrighted on his clothes. From neclt to knee, from top to toes. And mocked at circumvention. Prom ancient tile to battered boot His wear to we:;r seemed wedded; He daily wore the same old suit, With trousers short and shredded. His overcoat was threadbare-thin; He went without a warm within. And all because, from source to skin. Though chilled, he hated credit ). His office was his daily care. And home his hope of he.,ven. For every evening found him there Love's dower to replevin. He was the Oberon of toys, The god of Nursery and Noise Among his little girls and boys, (The heir was only seven). nm POTTER. Hit wife WM quite another tort, And well poor Potter knew it! She wu the rery Queen of Sport, And faat did she pursue it! She had no sympathy with Jim; She loved the social tide and swim. And made it Carrie Potter's whim To dally dip into It She traveled In the smartest set. And set the smartest paces; While Potter, if he chose, might fret Or hie to Helen Blazes. The men all said — I have forgot — 'Twas friendly-wise, as like as not; Fast friends she had among the lot. And all had sung her praises. Her goal and Mecca was each state And fashionable function; She served the shrine of Rich and Great With parasitic unction. She made her dearest Jimmy call And sign their name at Rideau Hall; Which was to gall-less Jimmy gall And wormwood of compunction. It She dressed: her figure was the pride Of tailoress and hero; Gave dinners, drives, "At Homes," and tried To entertain like Nero. She cut, in deed, a jolly dash Without a jolly word of cash. Which cut i)oor Potter like a lash. And drove his peace- to zero. He got into the shavers' hands, Although he went, unshaven; Debt daily dunned with dark demands Ill-omened as a raven. i I JIM POTTKR. So retribution, ridlnc ;aat On wlnga of warrant, came at last. And cast them out In aplte of caite. Without a hope of haven. They got, through Providence, a house. Though faouBelesa In location; Where Potter thought to chan" ■ 'a spouse By change of clty-way-shun. But mortal was her soul's disease. For they might strip or starve or freeze. It made no difference, if you please, In Mrs. Potter's station. M She fawned at Fashion's frowning gates. Though met by cut and parry; She filled all Rldeau's open dates. With Tom and Dick and Harry. Her card proclaimed her calling day. When she " at home " to " friends " would stay. Who, paradoxical to say. Did and did not miscarry. She had a parlor nine by ton, In corners cobwebs clung there; It served as nursery and den. And clouds nicotian hung there. She called it, though, their "drawing-room"; There scarce was space to swing a broom; But do not, reader dear, assume A broom was never swung there. It was. For Potter Minimus Bestrode and rode it horse-wise; Which made that horse-hair parlor thus Assume an aspect course-wise. And Mrs. P. would make a " attrt " By making little Potter smart— I may not name the punished part — The broom was wielded force-wise. M JIM POTTER. Tht place WM low. Tlie tvrtr eamfl To where they now r raided: And Mra. Potter— burn, ig ehame! To die lay down— ant vile did. Now, Potter's low waa Fetter's gain; Yet plain he turned to Potter's plain; Perhaps good fortune turned bis brain. For straight he suicided. He lost a heaven on eatth, to gatii No other, luckless fellow! To follow her must seem a vein Of luck extremely yellow. Unless the Devil, as he may, Finds her too warm to have her stay, Shell gr ' i I. n I The ^Ballad of Monsieur L'Jkveeleree, THE Monsieur I'Tweeleree Was a nob of high degree In the 1. c. days of pre-confederatlon; With a genealogee Of bis early an-ces-tree Quite commensurable with his haughty station. His progenitor, a Gaul, Floated over in the fall At a period of franc (and free) invasion; And he called himself de Guerre Chevalier I'Pomme de Terre, To commemorate, in brass, the grand occasion. t k II. The Monsieur I'Tweeleree, By consanguinity — Collateral, and votes — became elected; And his talents were so vast. That ere many moons were past With a post and salaree he got connected. Then his trouble did begin, For from all his kith and kin Came demands for little promised Jobs belated; In particular one John, Who did base his claim upon Many dozen bribes and votes impersonated. III. The Monsieur I'Tweeleree, Grand Commissionaire L. C, Pressed the button for his private secretary; And dictated, with an air Of administrative care, A reply to John's demands epistolary. 16 BALLAD OF MONBIEUR L'TWEELBREB. m In a rault sepulchral, grim, Archival, dusty, dim, To bring order out of chaos he could try. Though a task indeed Augean, Hard, incessaL.t, Sisyphean, — And the secretary winked the other eye. IV. The Monsieur I'Tweeleree, Grand Commissionaire, et c. From his troubles took a nodding, napping rpst; And the sun, in imitation Of that man of state and station. From his daily round was wearing to the West. Then, from out that chamber dusty. Damp and dismal, murky, musty. Came a solemn apparition, grimy, gray; And it said: "The task diurnal. Sir, you deemed for me eternal, Lo, your servant hath accomplished in a day/ " V. Spake Monsieur I'Tweeleree In an elevated key. And his whiskers red took fire from his rage: Cease your bragging, blatant bellow! Get you gone, you fool and fellow! Greatest blockhead, bovine, blundering, of the age! Stay! he cried, I have a notion! O digest it, dull Boeotian! Unto dust return where dust so long has lain; Recreate that primal jumble. Disarrange, unsettle, tumble(?) Out of order make confusion there again. VI. Placer each archive, deed, and docket In the packet, bole, or pocket That it quite forgotten filled until to-day; Put each parchment, page, state paper 19 'i s *■ '1 r n f I m ass BALLAD OF MONSIEUR L'TWEELERES. ,1 In its litter-all laie shape or Pay me no more calls, although you call for pay. Set each atom, howe'er little And impalpably a tittle, On the spot it filled invisible before; Hang each cobweb lacerated Just as it had been located. And when that is done — just mix 'em up once more! VII. \i The Monsieur ITweeleree Long ago, from office free, Toole a higher flight (which made another storey) ; But in spite of his demise, John the Appointee, grown wise. Held his tongue — and place — untouched by Whig or Tory. Long, for labor Sisyphean In that stable place Augean, Musty, fusty, dry as dust he drew his pay; And, for aught I lenow about it, Though Chronology may flout It, He may still be sweeping, sleeping there to-day. The Wist Gay. W T HERE was a youth In Western Ont, And he was wondrous wise; He filled a Civil Service " want," And thought he had a prize. M His dad was grieved to see him go, But had to be content. " My Tom," he . avely said, " you know, Is In the Guvv^^rment." And if he met a stranger from The Capital, he'd say: " By George! I guess you met my Tom! He's down at Ottaway. " The Prime-ear sent for Tom to come, And Tom he up and went He's with the push down there, by gum! He's in the Guwerment" Now, Tom had entered on meantime Those hardships incident To zeal quite resolute to climb The heights of preferment He came to work when dusters waved By corridor and stair; To be the very first, he braved And breathed that troubled air. 1 While other chaps were still abed, This conscientious clerk Had signed the book an hour ahead And started In to work. «i .i THE WI8B OUT. ii UnBelflsbly he tried to ;~) What others tried to shirk. And they were quite unselfish, too; They let him do the work. .1 He lost the glow of health, the tan, The vigor he had won By working with his arms, a man. Beneath the summer sun. He lost the Inward glow of health. The suppleness of limb. That Nature from her boundless wealth Had given unto him. i« Yet other things might still have been That Nature bad denied, Had not his county's member in- considerately died. u And since the voice of Blank, M.P., Was now forever dumb. Unto his C. S. appointee Promotion did not come. Then sudden for that appointee The Service lost its charm. And turned his thoughts right tenderly Upon his father's farm. He heard, imaginative youth! The reapers pass again. And saw his sister stand, like Ruth, Amid the fallen grain. /! He heard, dear immemorial sound! The noon-time dinner call. And soft upon the grassy ground The early apples fall. a ^'- -ff#-'-" TBB WIBB OUT. He heard the flocking blackblrda sing Across the golden plain. And every sweet. Imagined thing Made music In his brain. He S!i , with retrospective eyes, Above the harvest land The round, red harvest moon arise, Majestically grand. So irksome grew his office lot. He saw the Dep. that day. And three weeks' leave of absence got, (And his September pay). And now, a youth In Western Ont Is doubly wondrous wise. He fills his father's only want And knows he has a prize. ^ ^ \ ' m li Stella. h\ .1 MAC NAUGHTON Falrchild Buckham Lee Was Secretary to the Chief: Past years of service, twenty-three. His knowledge, too, quite past belief; That is, a useful, unofficial knowledge Of little things he'd learned, somehovo, at college. He lived on Latin roots, and loved To dig them from his dictionary; And words quite obsolete he shoved Into his style epistolary; While phrases writ in foreign tongues he'd find, Quite foreign to the lay Canadian mind. \,. A formidable man was Mac, — That is, from heel and toe to shoulder; Deep-chested, tall, and broad of back, A sort of human bull, or boulder; And, therefore, who so framed and fit as he To draw at ease an ample salaree? He had been best employed, 'tis true. In weightier work of handling cases; Material ones of four by two, O. H. M. S. for various places; Containing stationery incidental To daily drudge, or dalliance, departmental. But no. He toiled at Pitman's style. And carved the pothooks of that system ; It would have made old Isaac smile To see that clerking giant twist 'em; Or pondering o'er some grammalogue elliptical. And cursing Its quaint curves for being cryptical. 34 STELLA. It was a famous sight to see. Above bis caligrapbic keys, The burly M. F. Buckham Lee Typewriting with undoubted ease; Selecting with an air of loving lingering Some coy young key to fit his forceful fingering. And In that office day by day There typed a maiden wise and witty; And she was modest, like her pay, — For she was neither pert nor pretty; Having alone a born and bred ability For handling correspondence with facility. It chanced— O dark official fate! The great MacNaughton Lee fell ill. His medical certificate — It cost him a two-dollar bill — Said that he needed rest, and recommended Three months abroad — all office care suspended. Then to the Chief's lull notice came Miss Stella, under secretary. Before, he scarce had known her name. But ill's the wind that will not vary ifiss-fortune; so at last, sans circumvention. Miss Stella found the Chief's deserved attention. He found Miss Stella swiftly cast, A star of never-failing brightness. The correspondence ne'er amassed Beneath alone her fingers' lightness. And so it came to pass he ceased to wonder How Mac had kef the correspondence under. He did not marry her, although His gain might thus have early ended; He held the mastery sweet, and so He held her where her talents tended. Thus singularly doubly is he blessed; She does the letters— Mac may do the " rest " iil A I Jack O'Vee. THIS is the story of Jack O'Dee, First-class clerk in Department C, Who made an idol of clay his wife. Who married him not (or love but life, Who squandered his money in hand, and then Ran him in debt (or the eyes of men, Who winked and wondered that man could be As blind for an idol as Jack O'Dee. By the grace of God was Jack O'Dee Wifeless, and gray, at forty-three. Wifeless, and worn with her debt's demands. And children three on his spouseless hands. Yet taking them oft to her grave, and there Telling them infinite lies of her Who lifeless as living would ever be The Idol of c'ly cf Jack O'Dee. ^ This was the sum that Jack O'Dee Did for the sake of his children three. Did for the sake of honor and pride, And her who had ret the sum — and died: To labor till every dollar of debt At a hundred cents on the dollar was met. And at last, his neck from that millstone free. Was lifted the head of Jack O'Dee. Now, this was the luck of Jack O'Dee; Pre"! from all dobt but a day was he. From his oflBce table they raised his head, And hip ice it was white and worn and detul. Under his hand a letter lay, Bearing the mark of the post that day. And some one had left, across the sea. Estates and a fortune to Jack 0'De«. 86 HliiHitwiiUMiiiHiiiliiilta Gubbins, \ T came, a dream of style and state. 1 Of coronet and copperplate; The envelope betokened rank, — It bore HIa Excellency's frank. It hit the guileless Gubbins hard. It was for him a fatal card; The simple grandeur of its crest Quite broke the simple Gubbins' rest. He ordered evening dress that day, (The price took Gubbins' breath away), And bound himself in (k) nightly fee Unto the fair Terpsichore. That is, he we .t tc dancing school. And learned, by mathematic rule. And honest application, how To polka, waltz, chassA and bow. And in that gay, gregarious whirl He met a ripping, handsome girl, Who daily for her needed dough Sold lace for Remnant, Stock and Co. So much his pleasure she enhanced, With no one else he ever danced; And, since her brother did not come, He saw her after ifaidnight home. The eve august had come at last. The eager Gubbins' heart beat fast. It grieved his kindly landlayde To see him eat so little tea. aVBBINB. Hia brand new eTenlng clothen were aproAd Like allk molaaaes on the bed; And a* he tried them on with care. He careleaa hummed a waltzing air. Hia spirits could not be repressed; He tried a two-step while he dressed; Rehearsing, lest he should forget, Hia dancing master's etiquette. Complete by tailor-plate and plan. From tie to toe a new-made man. But nervous as the deuce withal. He started off for Rideau Hall. .1 Announced in clear stentorian tones, He made his bow with shaliing bonea, And wandered on in doubtful gloe To join the regal revelry. The ballroom was, to Gubbins' eight, A thing of wonder and delight. The ladies' dresses — and the rest — With ardour filled his simple breast. He wondered by what circumstance Of introduction he could dance. And then, — Chance gave, it seemed, the cluo. He saw two fellows whom he V.r.ew. And one was Jones, and one was Brown, No sweller fellows in the town; And each was fellow-clerk, you see. Of Gubbins in Department G. ./iV I5ut though he'd talked with them that day In office in a friendly way. They drew the line at Rideau Hall, — They did not know him now at all. « aVBBllfB. Perhaipt you will recall that O Had eaten very little tea; So, more to view it than consume, He wandered to the aupper-room. Now, Gubbina was a frugal sort; Oastronomy was not his forte; And that which met his modest siKht Quite spoiled his gentla appetite. With clothes awry and faces flushed, Men Jostled, shouldered, elbowed, pushed. It was (although the figure's tame), A sort of hand-and-foot-ball game. " Two salads here! " " A glabo s*. wine! ■' "Confound you, waiter, that is mine! " " Three ices! " " Coffee! " " Quick, a Jelly! " (God of all gods, thou Human Belly! ) Coffee, w'ne, cup, and all the rest o't. Were spilled on gown and coat and waistcoat: And broad (shirt) bosoms bore away Mementoes of that mortal fray. But sudden clear above the noise Was heard the high vice-regal voice. Assuring those within the hall That there was food enough for all. Then Gubbins saw to his surprise Emerging, but triumphant-wise, From out that press of brawn and bones The noble forms of Brown and Jones. V They Joined two ladles Bitting by. And Gubbins' calmly curious eye Grew sudden bright with interest, too,— The girls were girls that Gubbins knew. aUBBlXS. The daughters of the kind M. P. Who got him in Depaitmt nt G, — He took, through courtesy, a chance To ask the eldest girl to dance. She gave him, with a frigid stare. The shoulder cold — as well as bare; And, taking pattern from her gown. She " cut " his aspirations clown. '•I Then Gubbins sought the open a!r. Where he could calmly think — and swear. He called himself a cursed fool. And wished himself in — dancing school. Bright thought! To see his single fair, He double paid to hurry there. He found the charmer that he sought. And saw her home at twelve-tbree-nougbt M ^ .1 ao I) ^aiiiiBiiiliii ^Diaphanous *Day, MAUDE Madolin Knight and Diaphanous Day Were birds of ofiBcial leather, They were parallels in a clcikly way, (Except in the trifles of work and pay). And wrote in one room together. That is, Day worked by her each day That Madolin Knight was clerking; But he worked by night deprived of " K," For she never worked by night by Day, As she ridiculed over-working. Maude Madolin Knight a thousand drew, With a yearly increase of fifty; Six hundred per annum to Day was due. And he got a yearly increase, too, — For his wifey was never thrifty. Now, Maude though plain was plump, and the page Of her years was but thirty-seven; And the trifling difference of work and wage Should have been o'erlooked, at Diaphanous' age, To live In that clerking heaven. But daily more dark Diaphanous' view Became of his sordid, sad lot; And he thought of the bills that were always due, (While plumper Miss Maude and her savings grew), And the wherewithal that be had not. n And he framed by night with a hopeful hand. Long pleadings epistolary; Would the Deputy press his just demand When the Estimates were being planned? And the Deputy murmured, " Nary! " 81 if DIAPHANOUS DAT. Then he sought the long (long suffering) ear Of the Private Secretary. Would the Minister not incline to hear His claim for something, at least, this year? And the Minister murmured, " Nary! " And said, in an incontrovertible way, (For the hint was more kind than subtle), " There are scores of men in my riding. Day, Who are pressing me for your post and pay." And what had old Day in rebuttal? But Fate, in a manner exceeding grim, Brought Day his deferred promotion. And his cup was filled to the bitter brim When the Grippe took his family all from him. And left him alone on Life's ocean. There came to the Minister's room, they say, A plain and substantial vision. " I am going to marry Diaphanous Day," She said, " so you have to increase his pay, And give him a nice position! " The Minister smiled, and inclined his head, And his voice It was bland and mellow. " It shall be as you wish, my dear," he said. " For I've always thought that the man you'd wed Would be a deserving fellow!" ^ "^W^ksmt ^nduaU I COME most regular at Eight, My punctuality's unswervin'; I'm sure I do not wish to prate. But still my record's most deservin'. While others come at half-past nine. It's always bin my great ambition To be the Very First to Sign The Book, an' hold that high position. The offices an' corridors Is owned, when I arrive, by ladies, A-mopping of the stairs and floors. An' generally raisin' Hades. So, seein' there's no room for me To work (if I'd the inclination), I turn my steps regretfully Unto my other destination. I've got the marketin' to do. An' if the mornin's fine and sunny. It's pleasant, an' it's payin', too, When you've a little ready money. I like to nose around, an' find The price o' meat an' truck and so on. There's money saved, if you've a mind To spare the time, an' cash lO go on. By nine, unless I get a ride, With all that I can carry handy I foot it home. I've no false pride, I ain't no "Rideau calling" dandy. An' maybe, half-way home, I'll meet Some fellows to the office dawdlin'. Who grin like fools across the street, An' air their witticisms maudlin. sa \% i ^ PDNOTUAL. " What! workln' extra for the Chief? " He's ruined, If Ife by the hour. " An* what's the price of lamb an' beef, "An' cabbage, corn, an' cauliflower? "But won't he let you *cab It' there? " I'm sure the Auditor would pass it. " Contingency of travelin' fare, " Account of Maintenance, he'd class it" ;i II At twelve, quite punctual, as is due To family rules, I'm off to dinner. I try to be on time there, too, An' regularly I'm a winner. Then, after dinin' at my case, A nap, a gossip with my neighbor, An' smoke, as punctual as you please I'm oft again to office labor. I'm through quite punctual at four. But sometimes, without provication, Just as I've closed my office door. Some clerk will want " some information." And I just give him some, you bet! " Young man," I says, " I give you wamin', I've reg'lar hours; an' don't forget I signed the Book at Eight this mornin'! " |i 3^ iHiiiiiiiii Tapeley, OH, listen while I tell The tale of Mr. Ti^'ljy. He was a nice young swell, So slender-wise and shapely. In cloth and cut his guise Was paralleled by no man; And in the choice of ties He showed a hand quite Roman. I do not really know The Romans ever wore 'em. I'm very certain, though. That one chap did before 'em. Bad Absalom, 'tis writ. Beneath an oak to pass thought; Got neck-tied up by it, Which made a knotty Ascot. T. had a nice fat sit. Though slenderly he filled it Instead of warming It, His cheek untimely chilled it. He toiled an oflSce in Of Departmental working. And monthly drew bis tin i<'or his diurnal clerking. Unto the favored few Tils manners were punctilious; Unto the common crew His air was supercilious. If calling, you might wait Or hie away to Hades, Vfliile Tapeley chose to prate Per telephone to ladies. 3S t/t TAPELEY. Young Tapeley got in there By proximate exertion; Young Tapeley's efforts were Phlegmatically tertian. Old Tapeley's fluency And ink-well bagged the bounty Ot Y. R. Pull. M. P. For Mecca Valley County. i. '■ (»< There to that office came One day a woolly stranger; He did not know bis name. But Tapeley murmured, *' Granger! " His garb was gray, and bagged; His beard was long and limber; No nob, although he tagged A knobby piece of timber. In gruff, unfettered tones He asked for Mr. Tapeley; Which made young Tapeley's bones Mandibular go gapely. The clerks slipped off to where They haw-hawed to a hiccough; And left young Tapeley there His wandered wit to pick up. V\ 1 .•i|. The stranger wanted such A lot of information; And questioned very much, To Tapeley's consternation. Our imports, duties, trade, — Of such his talk abounded, While Tapeley's answers made Confusiou worse confounded. The knowledge he essayed To show was past perplexing; His tongue likewise betrayed A rudeness largely vexing; TAPBLEY. Until at last the gent. So seemingly agrarian, In Indignation went To see the Secretary 'un. Dear Reader (I invest My tale with this assumption), The " stranger " you have guessed. With all a reader's gumption. Yet— do not be surprised — I, too, was wrong, between us. It was not, as surmised. That Mecca Vale Maecenas. Ob, no! He was a wig Of academic luster; A sage in science big As any school could muster. His titular degree Was syllabic and splendid; An abecedary Of sapience suspended. A man of letters he, Beyond the scope of stanza; To tell a tithe would be. Or seem, extravaganza; B. C, A. D., D. V.,— My metre loth must lop 'em; P. S. and F. O. B., And Babonet to top 'em. And that is — entre nous — Why Tapeley was ' retired '; Moreover, P. D. Q., Though Pull his protest wired. Experience his head Inherits — dura mater. Meanwhile he eata the bread. — A cottage loaf — of Pater. sr double Foolscap, /^H, I am a marginal waste of white! ^^ Or blue, as the case may be; On which, in the middle, the clerks may write. In the middle precise of me. And then with a number, address, and date, (For to such Is my chiefest claim), A messenger carries me forth in state. And the Great Man signs his name! Then forth I go to the farming man. Or My Lord, as the case may be; And each, according unto his plan. Most solemnly taketh me. " Mayhap 'tis a gracious deed of land," Is the sanguine farmer's prayer; And he openeth me with an eager hand. And straightway he readeth there: "I I "v D. Q ■i " Dear Sir: The Department of P. Begs to acknowledge receipt Of a letter lately received from you, (It was written on half a sheet!) And this Department desires to say. Without any equivocation. That the subject of yours shall without delay Have every consideration." Then the farmer he smlteth my face in rage. And he rends me in twain, and then On the half of the half of my blank back page He writes with a rusty pen: " Dear Sirs: Your Department I have to thank For the present of stationeree. But a good deal less paper, and none of it blank. Would be more to the point to me! " 38 IMH DOVULE FOOLSCAP. My Lord he beholdeth my ionlly crest. Yet seemeth nothing to ca ,• he; For he passeth me on with tLe common rest To his Private Secretary. And the Secretary, as one who signs A warrant for some one's head, Writeth "File" in large Ic' ert, across my lii.es, And this message is filed unread: " My Lord: I have the honor to state. For your Lordship's Information, There has been received upon this date Your Lordship's communication. And If, My Lord, I may say it again, I have but to add one word. That I have the honor to humbly remain Your obedient servant. My Lord." Ig.