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 THE 
 
 [?■ SEASOISr-TICKET. 
 
 • * 
 
 BY 
 
 SAM SLICK, 
 
 AUTHOR OP "letter-bag of the great western," 
 "thb cx^ockmaker," etc., etc. 
 
 ( !' 
 
 it 4 
 
 1^ 
 
 ■Sf," 
 
 )*^ 
 
 rv.7 
 
 "I pity the man, who can travel from Dan to Becrsheba and cry, "TIs all barren. 
 
 ni:jf edition. 
 
 LONDON: 
 FREDEEICK WAENE AND CO., 
 
 BEDFORD STREET, STRAND. 
 NEW YOEK : SCKIBNEE, WELFORD, AND AHMSTRONG. 
 
 W 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 I. 
 
 II.' 
 
 iir.- 
 
 xy. 
 
 V. 
 VI. 
 
 vn.- 
 Yiir.- 
 
 IX.- 
 X.- 
 
 XI.— 
 XII.— 
 
 "-AN EV1<,MX0 AT CORK 
 
 • • • • . 
 
 —WALKS, TALKS, A.ND CHALKS 
 
 —HOMEWARD BOlTVi> 
 
 
 
 -'A TRAIN OP THOUGHT, AND THOUGHT? IN A TRAIN* 
 
 -JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS 
 
 • • • • 
 
 -BLACK JOB>? AND WHITE FAVOURS 
 
 • • • 
 
 -A GALLIMAUFRY 
 
 • • . . 
 
 ■OUll NEianB0UK3 ANU I^iSTAN'i> liELATIONS 
 
 THE LIVING AND THE DEAD 
 
 • • • • 
 
 THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR ; OR, QUAKERS AI LOAT 
 AND A2U0BE , -. ^ ^ . ^ 
 
 COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES 
 BIG WIGS , , . . 
 
 PAOR 
 1 
 
 25 
 
 
 85 
 ilO 
 138 
 163 
 
 187 
 218 
 
 2-ia 
 
 070 
 
 302 
 
^1 
 
 ^1 
 
 Eve 
 wo 
 
 seer 
 
 coui 
 
 upo] 
 
 and 
 
 alik( 
 
 Soiij 
 
 tliL'ii 
 
 dies 
 
 the ' 
 
 fold, 
 
 trav( 
 
 AVlm 
 
 
 far\ 
 
 
 rouet 
 
 
 whet 
 
 
 to S 
 
 
 Jung] 
 
 -. 
 
 reach 
 
 
 equal 
 
 ' 1 
 
 New 
 
 
 mend 
 
 ; 
 
 Indus 
 
 
 
THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 No. I. 
 
 AN EA'EXIXa AT CORK. 
 
 EvETiYTHiXG lias altered its dimension r, except the world 
 we live in. The more we know of that, the smaller it 
 seems. Time and distance have been abridged, remote 
 countries have become accessible, and tlie antipodes are 
 upon visiting" terms. There is a reunion of the human race ; 
 and the family resemblance now that we beg'in to think 
 alike, dress alike, and live alike, is very striking*. Tho 
 South Sea Islanders, and the inhabitants of China, import 
 their fashions from Paris, and their fabrics from Man- 
 chester, while Home and London supply missionaries to 
 the ' ends of the earth,' to brinn^ its inhabitants into ' one 
 fold, under one Shepherd.' Who shall write a book of 
 travels now ? Living-stone has exhausted the subject. 
 What field is there left for a future Munchausen? The 
 far West and the far East have shaken hands and pi- 
 rouetted tog'cther, and it is a matter of indifference 
 whether you g'O to the moors in Scotland to shoot grouse, 
 to South America to ride an alligator, or to Indian 
 jungles to shoot tigers — there are the same faciUties for 
 reaching all, and steam will take you to cither with the 
 equal ease and rapidity. We have already talked with 
 New York; and as soon as our speaking-trumpet is 
 mended shall converse again. 'To waft a sigh from 
 IndiDB to the pole,' is no longer a poetic phrase, but d 
 
 V, 
 
2 THE SEASOX-TICKET. 
 
 plain matter of fact of d.'illy occnrronco. "Mm break fast 
 tit lioino, and ^'o fifty niiles to tlieir countin^'-honscs, and 
 ■vvlion tlioir work is done*, rctnrn to dinner. Tiicy don't 
 c,'o from London to the seaside, ]»y way of c]ian;;"e, on(re a 
 year ; but tbcy live on tiio coast, and ^o to tlio city daily. 
 Tlio ,i;'ran(l tour of our forefathers consisted in visiting- the 
 l)rinci[)al cities of Europe. It was a g'reat effort, occupied 
 a vast d(>al of time, cost a larg"e sum of money, and was 
 oftener idtended witii dang'ei' tlian advanlagv. It com- 
 ])nsed wjiat was tlien called, theworhl: whoever liad jier- 
 formed it was said to have 'seen the world,' and all that 
 it contained. The Grand Tour now means a voyage 
 round the globe, and he who has not made it has seen 
 iiotliing. 
 
 1 do not say that a man must necessarily be much the 
 v/iser for this circumnavigation. It wos remarked of 
 Lord Anson, that he had been Wwvo times round tin; world, 
 but never once in it. I>ut, in his case, the ex[)ression 
 was used in a two-fold sense, namely, the globe itself, and 
 the people that dwell on it. If travel does not im[)art 
 wisdom, which it ought to do, it should at least confer 
 the semblance of it, as w^e may infer from the phrase, ' h(^ 
 looks as wise as the monkey that had seen the world.' 
 Men who miss the reality, ape the apjiearance. A Fez 
 caj), and an Albanian cloak, have a classical look, and 
 remind you of Byron, and his romantic love for modern 
 Greece, and it is easier to wear them than to quote Glad- 
 stone's Homer. A wide-awake, a grizzly beard, and a 
 gold chain, as massive as a submarine cable, smack of the 
 Australian Diggirgs ; and a cinnamon walking-stick, as 
 heavy as an Irishman's shillelagh, shows that the Mel- 
 bourne traveller \\\b visited Ceylon on his way home. 
 A Kossuth hat, with a buckle in front as large as that on 
 a coach-trace, a bowic knife, or Arkansas toothpick, in- 
 serted like a carpenter's rule into the seam of the leg of 
 the trousers, a pair of long India-rubber boots, and a 
 figured caUco shirt-front, half concealed by a Ponclio cape, 
 (the breast of which discloses a revolver), are hierogly- 
 ]>hical characters, that, duly interpreted, mean Califoriua. 
 The French hat, the extreme coat, and the peg-top 
 
 I 
 
 ha\' 
 
 The 1 
 
 |Colle<^'o 
 
I 
 
 AN EVENIXO AT COKK. 
 
 n 
 
 ca, iind 
 y don't 
 on(!(; a 
 y' daily, 
 iiij^ tlio 
 xupiod 
 nd was 
 It coin- 
 ad }K'r- 
 all lluit 
 voyay,'e 
 as seen 
 
 lu'li the 
 i-ked of 
 eWorld, 
 [)VCSsioii 
 self, and 
 , impart 
 L confer 
 ase, 'lie 
 Avorld.' 
 A Fez 
 ok, and 
 modern 
 c Glad- 
 , and a 
 V of the 
 tick, as 
 10 Mel- 
 home, 
 that on 
 )ick, hi- 
 Ic leg of 
 1, and a 
 ho cape, 
 [erogly- 
 lifornia. 
 beg-top 
 
 'H 
 
 trousers, bespeak the ^h'ilish raw material, got up it 
 Taris. Formerly everybody wished to be Ihoiigiit to 
 liave travelled, and those who were niiabl(» to enrich their 
 minds, seldom failed to exhibit their foreign sj)oils on 
 liieir persons. All this, however, is becoming obsolete. 
 Fvervbodv travels now; and it is no more distinction to 
 ha\e crossed the Andes, to have visited .Japan, or to have 
 effected the Artie Tassagc*, than to have asci'nded the 
 dome of St. Paul's. There is nothing new under the sun. 
 The visible objects of nature, under their varying asp{>ets, 
 arc familiar to us all. AVe must, at last, turn to what 
 we ought to have studied lirst — ourselves. ' The projjcr 
 study of mankind is man.' I have myself lately returned 
 from making the grand tour. I have not seen all the 
 world, but 1 have looked at a great i)art of it ; and if I 
 am not much wiser for my travels at present, I Hatter 
 myself it is beeansc I have not been able to apply the 
 information I have gained, by comparing what I have 
 seen with what I knew before I set out, and what Ijlnd, 
 on my return, to be the condition of my own country. 
 There are some things not very easy to realize. I find 
 it (lillicult to believe that I am at last safe at home, and 
 still more so, that I have actually })erformed this circum- 
 navigation. Here I am, Innvever, at Southampton at 
 last ; but every morning I feel as if it was time to move 
 on : the propulsion is on me, and I cannot stop. I go to 
 London, and as soon as I reach it the same restlessness 
 seizes me, and I feel impelled to return. The safest as 
 w^ell as the pleasantest way to ease the speed is to lower 
 the steam, until motion shall gradually cease. I have 
 therefore taken a ^ Scason-TicI:et,' and shall travel to and 
 from London, until the monotony wearies me, and I can 
 again enjoy home. I shall occupy myself in noting 
 d(jwn wdiatever I hear and see, and in studying th(3 
 characters of those I meet. I shall compare civilized with 
 uncivilized man, and I feel already that the very posses- 
 sion of the means of comparison is itself one of the 
 greatest benefits I have derived from travelling. 
 
 Last week I varied the scene, by accompanying my old 
 college friend Gary, to Monkstown, in Ireland. While 
 
 b2 
 
4 Tin: SEASON-TIC ki:t. 
 
 lio was rm|>loyo(l in ii(>;c;'nfi.itin,ij^ sorno ])UsInops of im« 
 jiortancc, 1 amused myself by ('XplorliiL^ tlie various 
 ol»jects of interest in tlio iiei^^'hliomiiood. As I liavo 
 (ilready ol)serve(l, I liavo visited many j)artsof tlx; world, 
 and seen inueli Ijcaiitifid scenery; l)Ut take it all in all, 
 or, as llie Vank(vs say, '(ivery which way you can fix it,' 
 1 know iiotliin,*;' superior to that which is ])res(Mited to Iho 
 tourist, in a sail from the entrance of (^ueenstown to tlu3 
 city of Cork. An uninvited and unwelconio p,'uest, on. 
 his arrival at a country house in En^'-land, expatiated on 
 the s^jJendid views he had seen on liis jonrnc^y thither, and 
 when asked by which roiid he had travelled, was very 
 significantly informed that he would jiass through a much 
 more lovely country on his rdiuii tJiat afternoon^ if ho 
 took another, and a yhorter route, that was i)ohited out 
 to him. 
 
 Unhke my gruff and inhospitable countryman, I advise 
 you, when at Cork, to remain there, till you have ' done ' 
 the cit}", and its environs, and tlien to sail down the river, 
 that you may behold from a different point of view the 
 Hanio objects you had previously seen. It is diflicult to 
 say wdiether the ascent or descent is most beautiful ; but 
 on the wdiole, I give the preference to the former, on 
 account of the magnificent panorama which so suddenly 
 bursts on your astonished view, as you enter the harbour 
 from the sea. Nor is the climate of this Ic'^ely locality 
 less admirable than its scenery ; it is so soft, so mild, and 
 so genial in winter, and so temperate an(\ salubrious in 
 Bunmier. No foreign watering })laces that 1 am acquainted 
 with are to bo compared with those on the Lee for 
 invalids. 
 
 There is only one thing' I do not like hero, and as I 
 am a discriminating traveller, and endeavour to be im- 
 partial and just, I must enter my protest, and then pass 
 on. When we cast anchor near the Flag-ship of the 
 Admiral, I desired a boatman to take me to ' Cove.' 
 * Sure,' said he, ' your honour is in Cove now.' ' Yes,' 
 I replied, ' I know that, but I want to land at Cove,' 
 pointing to the beautiful tO"\VTi that rose, terrace above 
 terrace, from the water's edge to the summit of tUo 
 
AK KVKNIXO AT COIilC. 
 
 1 of im- 
 
 viirions 
 
 I llllVCJ 
 
 (» world, 
 ill ill !ill, 
 Lii lix it,* 
 ;'(l1o llio 
 'n to 11m3 
 ,*uost, OR 
 iated on 
 Iher, and 
 ivas very 
 h a mucli 
 on, if ho 
 Lilted out 
 
 , I advise 
 ^e ' done ' 
 the rivor, 
 view the 
 flTicult to 
 ful; Init 
 jrnier, on 
 sudd(3iily 
 harbour 
 y locality 
 iiild, and 
 )rions ia 
 juaintcd 
 Lee for 
 
 ?A 
 
 and as I 
 ;o be im- 
 ;hen pass 
 ip of the 
 ' Cove.' 
 ' Yes,' 
 at Cove,' 
 ,00 above 
 Lt of tUo 
 
 ^ 
 
 4 
 
 liill ll.nt )irot(H'ls and slicltcrs tlie ina^u;"ninc('nt slio(>t of 
 wilier, wliieli i( |)rondly oNci'looks. 
 
 ' All, yer lioiioiir, it's no lon^'cr the Cove any more ; 
 iCs (^iieeiislown it's called now, over sinc(; Jfer Miijesly 
 lli(^ (.^aeeri landed here. Jnst as the line oiild harbour, 
 J)iinlearv, lu^ar I)ubliii, was chrislene(l Kiniislown, in 
 honour of tli(i visit of un i]ii.i;'lish Kiii^L;' that is d<'ad and 
 pine. 'All, yer honour,' he said with a yigh, ' we haidly 
 know onr own nanu^s now-a-days.' 
 
 I synii)athize with poor i\it. ' Tlie Cov(; of Cork' is 
 known all over the world. livery map, clKirt, and 
 nantical vocabulary contains a re.n'istry of it, and no 
 Act of rarliament, rroelamation, or tia/ette, will ever 
 olilit(M*ate it from Jack's memory, Oi' poor Pat's either. 
 And besides all tiiis, its new ai)pellation is an umneanin^ 
 one. All the towns in the Kmpire are th(^ (^neen's, and 
 ' all that in tluMn is,' (Jod bless her! and in aft(>r days 
 tlu^ ])coplc of this ]»lac(3 will know as little which Qnecn 
 did them the hononr to visit them, as my 'Covey' did 
 which Sovcrcif^n adopted King'stown as his own. Onr 
 North American friends have better taste ; they are 
 everywhere restoring* the; ancient Indian names. Toronto 
 has supersed(Ml York, and Sissiboo, \V( ymonth ; even 
 Jialifax, forg-etfnl of its ])atron, desires to be known as 
 Chebiictoo ; while the repudiating* Yaidv(^es are equally 
 ambitious that tlieir far-famed city, New York, should 
 be called Manhattan. 
 
 My object, however, is not to detain you longer on 
 the banks of the lovely Lee, but to introduce you to tlio 
 smoking*- room of the Imperial Hotel at Cork. 
 
 I like a smoking'-room, first, because I am luicom- 
 monly fond of a cig'ar (and there are capital ones to be 
 had at the Imperial, as you may suppose from the 
 mmierous friends of old Irehind that reside in America); 
 and secondly, because there is a freemasonry in smoking*, 
 not that it possesses secrets of a dangerous nature, but 
 that it incites and promotes conversation. It is free- 
 masonry without its exclusivcness. Its sign is the pipe 
 or the cigar, its object good fellowship. Men sometimes 
 quarrel over their cups, over tlieir pipes, never. Tho 
 
THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 IndianF? of America always commenced their councils 
 willi the calum(>t. It gave them time to arrange their 
 thoughts, and its soothing effect on tlieir nerves pre- 
 disposed tliem to peace. When I Avas a boy, I always 
 waited till I saw my father in tlic full enjoyment of his 
 pijie, before I asked any little favour I was desirous of 
 obtaining from him. A man who is hap])y himself, is 
 willing to contribute to the happiness of others. 
 
 To a traveller smoking is hivaluable. It is a com- 
 panion in his solitary liours ; it refreshes him when 
 fatigued ; it assuages the cravings of hunger ; and it 
 purifies the poisonous atmosphere of infected places, 
 whether jungles or cities. It conciliates strangers, it 
 calms agitation, and makes you feel all tlie resignation 
 and all the charities of a Christian. The knowledge of 
 this precious plant. Tobacco, and its many virtues, is 
 one of the advantages we derive from travelling. 
 
 Before I proceed further, gentle reader, let me tell 
 you, there are three things I recommend to your notice 
 in visiting Ireland. If you are an admirer of b( autiful 
 scenery, go to the Cove of Cork. If you want a good 
 hotel, go to the Imperial ; and if. you want good toLaccr*, 
 go to the smoking-room tliere. I may add also, you 
 will find more than good pipes and cigars, for you will 
 meet w^itli a vast deal of amusement, as some droll 
 fellows do congregate there. On this occasion, when I 
 visited this 'cloud-capped' scene, two strangers saun- 
 tered into the room, and drawing chairs to my table, on 
 which the light Avas placed, at once entered into conver- 
 sation with all the ease of old stagers. They were 
 evidently Yankees. One was a tall, thin man, with a 
 sallow complexion, at least as far as I could judge of it, 
 for he sported a long beard and a profusion of hair on 
 his face. lie was dressed in black, the waistcoat being 
 of a shining satin, surmounted by several coils of gold 
 chain, and his coat (something betvv'cen a jacket and a 
 frock), having capacious side-pockets, into each of which 
 was deposited a hard, rough fist. His neckcloth was a 
 loose tie, which was graced by a turn-down collar, and 
 fringed by a semicircular belt of hair, that in its turu 
 
 c 
 
 I th( 
 
 4 
 
 4 
 
councils 
 ige lln-ir 
 VCR prc- 
 I always 
 rit of Ills 
 sirons of 
 msclf, ifcJ 
 
 3 a com- 
 iiii when 
 r ; and it 
 d places, 
 mgcvs, it 
 signation 
 s^lcdge of 
 ■irtucs, is 
 
 t mc tell 
 )iir notice 
 beautiful 
 fit a good 
 1 toLacco, 
 also, you 
 you Avill 
 3mo droll 
 Q. when I 
 crs sauu- 
 tablc, ou 
 conver- 
 ley were 
 with a 
 dgc of it, 
 hair on 
 at being 
 of gold 
 let and a 
 of which 
 h was a 
 liar, and 
 its tura 
 
 1 
 
 i 
 
 AN EVENING AT CORK. 7 
 
 overlaid it. His hat Avas low-crowned, the rim of which 
 curled into narrow rolls at the sides, and projected 
 before and behind into peaks, not uidike those of a 
 traveUing cap. His boots were canoe-shajied, long and 
 narrow, and upturned in front, giving you the idea of a 
 foot that had no toes. As he seated himself at tlu} 
 table, he took off his hat, and from among some looso 
 papers collected a few stray cigars, which ho deposited 
 on the table. Lighting one of them, he handed another 
 to me, saving, 
 
 ' Stranger, w^ill you tiy one of mine ? they are rael 
 right dow^i genume Ilavannahs, and the flavour is nom; 
 the Avorse for not paying duty, I guess. They ain't bad.' 
 
 Then, turning to his '^ )m])anion, he said, 
 
 * hj, won't you cut in and take a hand V 
 
 * Ly,' whom I afterwards discovered to be tho 
 Honourable Lyman Boodle, a senator from Michigan, 
 and a colleague of General Cass, the Amci'ican Secretary 
 of State for Foreign Affairs, was a sedate-looking per- 
 son, as a senator ought to be. He was a smooth-faced, 
 well-shaven man, with an expression of complacency 
 that seemed to indicate he was at ])eace with himself 
 and all the w^orld. He was dressed like a Methodist 
 preacher, in a plain suit of black, and sported a whitey- 
 brown clioker of the orthodox shape and tie. It was 
 manifest he was a person of importance, both wise and 
 circumspect, a statesman, and a divine, and equally 
 respectable as an orator and a preacher. It is dilTiculfc 
 to imagine a greater contrast than that existing between 
 these two countr3'mon and friends. One was a rollicking, 
 noisy, thoughtless fellow, caring little wdiat he said or 
 did, up to anything and equal to everything ; the other, 
 a wise and sententious man, with a mind intent on great 
 things, the greatest of wdiich w^as i)robably the presi- 
 dential chair of the United States. 
 
 ' Let's liquor, Ly,' .^aid the tall one ; ' what do you 
 ambition? Shall it i e whisky, ale, rum, brandy, gin, or 
 what not, for they hai.i't no compoTuids here, no mint 
 juleps, cocktails, sherry cobblers, gum ticklers, phlegm 
 cutters, chain lightning, or sudden death. Simples is 
 
B 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 what they go on, tlioy don't excel in dnnks, they have 
 no skill in manul'acturin^ci; liqnids. Tlic Irish can't eat 
 nothing; but tators, and they drink notliing- but Avhisky, 
 and talk nothing* but ])riests and patriots, ructions and 
 repeals. They don't do nothen like nobody -"^se. Their 
 coats arc so long* they drag* on the ground, like the tail 
 of a Nantucket cow, which is so cussed poor that she 
 can't hold it up, and their trousers arc so short they 
 don't reach below their knees, with two long strings 
 dangling from them that arc never tied, and three but- 
 tons that never felt an eyelet hole ; and wear hats that 
 have no roofs on 'em. The pigs arc fed in the house, 
 and the children beg on the road. They won't catch 
 llsh for iear they would have to use them in Lent, nor 
 raise more corn than they eat, for fear they would have 
 to pay rent. They sit on their cars sidewaj^s, like a gall 
 on a side-saddle, and never look ahead, so they sec but 
 one side of a thing, and always act and fight on one 
 side; there is no two ivajjs about them. And yet, hang 
 me, if I don't like tliem, take them by ond large, 
 better than the English, who arc as heavy and stupid 
 as the porter t^ '^^^ guzzle all day — who hold their 
 chins so evcrlasti . gh, they don't sec other folks' toes 
 they are for evoj. t-.ic"din' on — who arc as proud as 
 Lucifer, and ape his humility; as rich as Croesus, and as 
 mean as a Jew ; talking from one year's rend to another 
 of educating the poor, and wishing the devil had flown 
 away with Dr. Faustus before he ever invented types ; 
 praising us for ever, and lamenting that Columbus hadn't 
 gone to the bottom of the sea, instead of discovering 
 America; talking of reform from July to etarnity, and 
 asking f oU^s if they don't hope they may get it ; annoying 
 
 every ' 
 
 "Hush, Mr. Pcabody,* said the Senator, casting a 
 furtive glance at me, fearing I might take offence ; 
 * pray don't go ahead that way, you might, you know, 
 come into collision, and who knows which may get the 
 worst of that? Folks don't like to hear their country 
 abused arter that fashion ; it don't convene to good 
 manners, and the amenities of life. For my part, I think 
 
AN EVENING AT CORK. 
 
 9 
 
 y have 
 n't cat 
 
 as and 
 Their 
 
 the tail 
 
 lat she 
 
 rt they 
 
 stnnG;s 
 
 •cc but- 
 
 its that 
 
 ) hous(S 
 
 t catch 
 
 cnt, nor 
 
 lid have 
 
 vc a p:all 
 SCO but 
 on one 
 
 ct, han::^ 
 
 d large, 
 d stnpid 
 d their 
 
 Iks' toes 
 )roud as 
 , and as 
 another 
 ad flown 
 d types ; 
 IS hadn't 
 cover inn; 
 lity, and 
 mnoying 
 
 isting a 
 offence ; 
 u know, 
 
 get the 
 
 country 
 
 Ito good 
 
 I think 
 
 the Irish are a very sharp people' 'Sliarp,' said flic 
 otiier, 'why tliero is notlien sliarp on this side tho water, 
 unless it's a policeman. Why, stranger,' he continued, 
 addressing me, ' all natur's sharp in America — the frost is 
 sliarp, the knives arc sharp, tho men are shari),the women 
 are sharp, and if they ain't, their tongues be, everything 
 is sharp there. Why my father's vinegar was so cuss(m[ 
 sharp, the old gontlrman shaved with it once ; he did 
 upon my soul. Ah, here is the waiter ! I say, Mister, 
 wliisky for three. That fellow don't know the word 
 blister, now I'll be darned if he does. lie puts me in 
 mind of a Patlander, a friend of mine hired here lately. 
 Last month, Gineral Sampson Dove, of Winnejmsa, mar- 
 ried the darter of the American A''counscl (consul) to Dub- 
 lin. Miss Jemima Fox. Did you ever sec her, stranger 'i * 
 
 ' Never,' I said. 
 
 ' Well,' he replied, ' that's a cruel pity, for you would 
 have seen a peeler, I tell you — a racl corn-fed gall, and 
 no mistake. Just what Eve was, I guess, when sho 
 walked about the garden afore needles and thread camo 
 into fashion, and angels came to see her, and "»''"shed 
 they had flesh and blood like her, and weren't so cver- 
 lastin' thin and vapoury, like sunbeams. Lick! man, 
 she was a whole team, and a dog under the waggon, I 
 tell you. Well, they first went to Killaniey, on a wed- 
 ding toiue?', and after they had stared at that lovely 
 place, till they hurt their eyes, they came down lu^'o to 
 see the Groves of Blarney, and what not. AVell, tho 
 Gineral didn't want folks to know they were only just 
 married, for people always run to the winders and doors, 
 to look at a bride, as if she was a bird that was only 
 seen once in a hundred years, and was something that 
 was uncommon new to look upon. I'ts onconvenient, 
 that's a fact, and it makes a sensi/^V^, delicate-minded 
 gall feel as awkward as a wrong boot. So says tho 
 (Jineral to Pat, "Fat," says he, "don't go now, and tell 
 folks we are only just married, lie low, and keep dark, 
 will you, that's a good fellow." "Bedad," says Pat, 
 " never fear, yer honner, the divil a much they'll get out 
 of me, I can tell you. Let me alone for that, I can keep 
 
10 
 
 fhT. StASON-TlCKET. 
 
 a Rccret ns well ns ever n pri(.';;t in Ireland." Well, for 
 all that, they did Ht;ire, in a way tliat was a caution to 
 owls, and no mistake, and well they might too, for it 
 ain't often they see such a gall as Miss Jemima, I can 
 tell you, though the Irish galls warn't behind the door 
 neither when beauty was given out, that's a fact. At 
 last the Gineral see something was in the wind above 
 common, for the folks looked amazed in the house, and 
 they didn't seem over half pleased either. So saj^s he, 
 one day, "Pat," says he, "I hope joii did not tell them 
 wc were only just mamed, did you? " " Tell them you 
 was just married, is it, yer honner," said he, "let mc 
 alone for that ! They were mighty inquisitive about it, 
 and especially the master, he wanted to know all about 
 it entirely. "Married, is it," says I, "why they ain't 
 married at all, at all, the divil a parson ever said grace 
 over theml ]3ut, I'll tell you what (for I was determined 
 it was but little truth he'd get out of me) — I'll tell you 
 what," says I, "if you won't repeat it to nobod}^, — 2'hcv 
 arc goirC to he married in about a fortnight^ for I heard them 
 Bay so this blessed day, with my own cars." If the 
 Gineral wasn't raving, hopping mad, it ain't no matter, 
 that's all. In half an hour he and his wife were on 
 board the steamer for England, and Pat is in bed here 
 yet, from the hcking he got. It ain't clear to me, if he 
 ever will sec his error, for both his eyes arc knocked 
 into one, and all he can perceive are a thousand sparks 
 of fire before him, as if he was looking down the chimney 
 of a blacksmith's shop. Come, Ly, I like your calling 
 such a fellow as that sharp. But 'spose wc try the 
 whisky.' 
 
 In the course of conversation (if sucli rhodomontado 
 can be dignified by such a name) allusion was made to 
 Vancouver Island, which I have always regretted I had 
 not seen. I had visited California, but as this new 
 colony was not then either settled, or much known, I 
 went from San Francisco to the Sandwich Islands, and 
 it is only since my return that it has become an object 
 of such universal interest. Wishhig for information, I 
 applied to the Senator, instead of Mr. Pcabody, as I 
 
 i 
 
AK EVENIXG at cork. 
 
 11 
 
 , for 
 
 )11 to 
 or it 
 ^ can 
 
 door 
 , At 
 ibove 
 i, and 
 ^s lie, 
 
 them 
 n you 
 ct mo 
 lOut it, 
 
 about 
 y ain't 
 
 grace 
 niiincd 
 ell you 
 
 •d thcivi 
 I If the 
 matter, 
 /ere on 
 ed hero 
 e, if he 
 nocked 
 sparks 
 limney 
 calling 
 try the 
 
 n 
 
 ontadc 
 
 nade to 
 
 id I had 
 
 is new 
 
 I 
 
 ds, and 
 1 object 
 lation, I 
 
 iy» 
 
 as 1 
 
 knew ho Avas more likely to talk to the jioiiit than the 
 other. 'Yes,' lie said, 'I liave but recently come from 
 there ; I can tell yon all abont it. It is, to my mind, the 
 most important spot in the whole world, and will affect 
 and control the comnierce of the greatest jmrt of it.' 
 *MaY I ask,' I said, 'what is the geographical extent of 
 the island? ' ' It is as large as a piece of chalk,' said his 
 tall friend. 'Do be quiet, Peabody,' said the Senator; 
 ' there is a time for all things, but yon find time for only 
 one, and that is nonsense.' ' Well, stranger,' said tho 
 incorrigible joker, ' if you don't like a piece of chalk for 
 a measure, and I think it's a capital one, for it may be as 
 small as what a carpenter carries in his pocket, or as big 
 as the Leviathan, I'll tell you its exact size. It's as big 
 as all out-doors, and you know how big that is, and if 
 you don't (for Britishers are everlastin' ])itikilar), I'll go 
 and get you my map;' saying which, ho left the room on 
 liis well-meant errand. ' That's a droll fellow,' said tho 
 Senator ; ' but he is not the fool you take him for ; there 
 is more in him than there appears to be. By that free-and- 
 easy way, and his strange talk, he induces people to con- 
 verse, and while they are amusing themselves with him, 
 he contrives to learn from tlu.nn all that they know, or 
 think upon any particular subject in which he is in- 
 terested. Bear Avitli him, and he will give you any 
 information, whatever 3T)n may require, connected Avitli 
 North America. Vancouver,' he continued, 'is abont 
 270 miles long, and, on an average, from forty to fifty 
 miles broad. Its greatest breadth is seventy miles, and 
 its least twenty-eight; while in one place it is nearly 
 intersected by water, the ]xn*tage being only eight miles. 
 Its size, however, is of little consequence, as the adjoin- 
 ing territory of the English on the mainland of British 
 Columbia is boundless in extent. It is its position, its 
 harbours, its coal, its fisheries, and its political and com- 
 mercial importance that render it so invaluable. From 
 California to the Russian boundary it contains the only 
 secure harbour in a distance of several thousand miles, 
 while even the Port of San Francisco is so large, it is by 
 DO means safe at all tunes, as it partakes too much of the 
 
12 
 
 TITli SKA SOX-TICKET. 
 
 character of a roadstead. AVlinoycr owns Vancouver 
 must cnmniand tlie trade of tlic raeilic and IIieKast; I 
 say iiotliintj,' of its l.ying* at tlie entrance of Frazer's 
 Tiiver, and receiving' the g-old from tliose re,i;'ions ; tliat 
 is merely a means to an end — I speak of it as the terminus 
 of tlic Great Inter-Oceanic Kailway. The harbour of 
 Esquimault, on tlie Pacific, corresponds in every parti- 
 cular with the nobh; port of Halifax, Nova Scotia, on the 
 Atlantic. Tlio railway from the latter to the boundary 
 of New Brunswick, is now nearly finished, and in a year 
 or two will connect with the Canadian line below Quebec, 
 wlien an uninterrupt(>d communication Avill be completed 
 from Halifax to the head of Lake Superior. It will then 
 require to be continued from thence to Yancouver, and 
 you will have an overland route from the Atlantic to the 
 Pacific, lying wholly throug"h British territory. Already 
 the Canadians are opening" the way through the Bed 
 Biver and Winipeg territory, by connecting the lakes 
 and rivers on the fine of trafiic, by good portages, by 
 placing steamers on the former and railways on the 
 latter, so as to render the passage short, easy, and ex- 
 peditious. Tliis is the first step towards the completion 
 of that grand railway line that is to be the route from 
 Europe to China, Japan, the Sandwich Islands, Australia, 
 and the East. The country between Lake Superior and 
 the Pacific is of a nature to support countless millions of 
 inhabitants, while its vast internal navigation, like that 
 of Canada supplies means of transport unknown in any 
 other part of the Avorld. It is not the size of Vancouver, 
 therefore, that is of importance ; it is its pofitical, geo- 
 graphical, and commercial position that wc must regard.* 
 *Zactly,' said Mr. Peabody, who now returned with 
 the map, and spread it out on the table. ' Zactly, Ly j 
 now you have hit the nail on the head, smack,' and> 
 suiting the action to the v,^ord, he struck the palm of his 
 left hand a blow with his right fist, that made a noise 
 precisely like that occasioned by a hammer. ' That's 
 the ticket ! Ly y?-arn't born yesterday ; stranger, he has 
 a large mind sir It's like a surveyor's tape-box, take 
 hold of the ring, ^ir, give it a pull, and out comes a 
 
 not t( 
 had d( 
 tree, a 
 to you 
 bound 
 butche 
 never 
 
AN EVENING- AT CORK. 
 
 13 
 
 vet 
 ;; I 
 
 lluit 
 
 X oi: 
 
 arll- 
 
 i Hit) 
 
 xliivy 
 
 ycur 
 
 cbcc, 
 
 )lete(l 
 
 . tlicii 
 
 •, and 
 
 to the 
 
 Ircudy 
 
 Ked 
 
 : lalvcs 
 
 ';cs, by 
 
 )n the 
 
 pd cx- 
 
 plction 
 
 .0 from 
 stralla, 
 ior and 
 ions of 
 kc that 
 in any 
 Icouvcr, 
 il, gco- 
 •cgard. 
 d with 
 
 f^y. Ly ' 
 ,' and, 
 of his 
 a noise 
 I* That's 
 he has 
 take 
 lomes a 
 
 9^^ 
 
 Iiiindrcd yards, all marked and dotted into inches and 
 feet — there is no mistake iu him, he is as exact as a 
 sum proved by alg-ebry ; but it ain't every one he lets 
 j)nt his finger into the tape ring and drawliini out, I can 
 tell you. lie knows how to keep his clam-shell shut, 
 wlien he don't thhik ])r()per to lot on. Yvfi, Sirrcc — lu; 
 is right. The largest city in the world will be in 
 Ksquimault and Victoria, for it will cover both harbours, 
 and the neck of land between them. And see where it 
 lies ! not in the frozen North, or in the brilin' South, but 
 between the parallels 48 and 51 North Latitude, and in 
 AVest Longitude between 123 and 128, which is as near 
 perfection on that warm sea as anything this side of 
 Paradise can be. For it's tropical enough for oranges^ 
 and North enough for potatoes : and both are so large, 
 so fine, and so plenty, that they ain't to be ditto'd no- 
 where. The reason I compared it to a piece of chalk, 
 stranger, was because I didn't know wdiether you could 
 grasp the subject or not ; but I perceive you can see 
 as far into a millstone as them that picked the hole into 
 it.* 
 
 'What is the nature of the soil, is that good?' 'Well, 
 it's like little England, which the bragging English call 
 Great Britain, some good, some indilterent, and somci 
 everlastin' bad. But what's gof beats all natur.' I 
 tried it once when I was there prospectin, that is 
 looking out for land to speculate in : well, the vessel I 
 came in had been formerly in the guano trade, and I 
 scooped out of the hold about a handful of that eUxir of 
 vegetation, and went and strewed some on the ground, 
 and sowed a few cucumbci' seeds in it. Well, sir, I was 
 considerably tired when I had done it, for I had to walk 
 ever so far round, like a lawyer examinin' of a witness, 
 not to let folks see what I was a doin' of ; and when I 
 had done, I just took a stretch for it, under a great pine 
 tree, and took a nap. Stranger ! as true as I am talking* 
 to you this here blessed mhiit, when I woke up, I was 
 bound as tight as a sheep going to market on a 
 butcher's cart, and tied fast to the tree. I thought I 
 never should get out of that scrape, the cucumber viucn 
 
11 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 liad grown nnd twistod so round and rrinnd me and my 
 legs while I was asleep ! Fortnnately, ouo arm was 
 free, so I ^ot out my jack-knife, o])ened it with my 
 teeth, and cut myself ont — no easy job either, I can tell 
 you — and off for Victoria again, liot-foot. When I canio 
 into tlu^ town, says our Captain to me, "Peabody, what 
 in'natur' is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking 
 out of your pocket?" "Nothin','' sais I, looking as 
 amazed as a puppy nine days old, when he opens his 
 eyes and takes his first stare. Well, I pnt in my hand 
 to feel ; and, upon my soul, I pulled out a great big, 
 ripe cucumber, a foot long, that had ripened and gone 
 to seed there. Now, thcit's what guano did for the soil, 
 stranger. Capital and labour will do the same for the 
 colony: it will grow as fast as that ere cucnnil)er did.' 
 
 ^And look seedy as soon,' said I. 'Stranger,' he 
 replied, with a loud laugh, ^ijou may talce imj hat, I owe 
 you a chalk for that. Let's licjoior. Waiter, whisky 
 again for three.' 
 
 'Do be quiet, Peabod}^,' said the Senator. At all 
 times, and under any circumstances, sir, this island was 
 so important, that it is astonishing the British Govern- 
 ment could have suffered it to remain for so long a 
 period in the paralysing grasp of the Hudson's liay 
 Company. But now that steam has superseded canvas, 
 its merits are duly appreciated: where else on the whol-e 
 Western coast of America is there a place to be found, 
 with such harbours, and such extensive and valuable 
 coal-fields? The coal at Nhiaimo, which is of excellent 
 quality, is found within a few yards of the water side, 
 and vessels drawing sixteen feet can anchor close to the 
 •shore. The coal consists of two seams, each six feet 
 thick, overlaying each other at a short distance, and is in 
 sullicient quantity to s upply, for ages to come, all the 
 demands of domestic or foreign consumption, of com- 
 merce or manufactures. There is excellent anchorage 
 in all parts of the harbour of Kinaimo, which is commo- 
 dious, and sheltered from all winds ; and as there is a 
 rise and fall of fifteen feet, at spring tides, and the 
 bottom is soft clay, it forms an excellent careening 
 
 U 
 
 is 
 
 aji 
 
 0?] 
 
 eye 
 
 faci 
 
 son; 
 
 find 
 
 Lor( 
 
 paid 
 Kng] 
 
 Wjic 
 
 wJioI 
 
 to sii 
 
 and \\ 
 
 ii'glit 
 
 fit, r 
 
 to if 
 
 ap]je; 
 
 g'own 
 
 ioafe 
 
 " You 
 
 U'cre 
 
 don't Jv 
 
 fi-al/s d 
 
 Jj.id ba 
 
 "^r^th i 
 
 ceilin,' 
 
 l^otji Jii 
 
 tJjro\r n 
 
 J«fii(Iavit 
 
 \l^%'' sa 
 
 \hm ill. 
 
AN EVENING AT CORK. 
 
 15 
 
 my 
 
 \VU9 
 
 my 
 L toll 
 ;[imc 
 (.vbat 
 
 luuul 
 
 ,t \)i^S 
 gono 
 
 ic soil, 
 or the 
 
 did.' 
 ;cv,' ^^e 
 
 I owe 
 
 wliis^^y 
 
 At all 
 md Avas 
 Glovcvu- 
 lonp; a 
 |u's Bay 
 canvas, 
 |io Avliok; 
 found, 
 [valuable 
 excellent 
 ^tcr side, 
 [se to tlie 
 six feet 
 1 and is in 
 -,, all tlio 
 of com- 
 Incliovagc 
 commo- 
 Ucvc is a 
 and tlio 
 jarccning 
 
 pp'ound for vorroIs, niid presents many of llio ndvau 
 
 tairos of 
 
 a ;:;'ravni^' 
 
 dock. Tlio iiinl)cr ou the inland 
 
 is ill many parts, of a most sii})('i'ior (puilily for masts, 
 Sj)ars, or piles. j\Iany of tlio trees ^^-rowin^- in the ri(;h 
 Aiilleys attain a liei;.;iit of two limidred and iit't y feet, 
 and a circumference of forty-two feet at the l)utt.' 
 
 Tray, what is the name of that tree,' I said. 
 
 *It is called the Abies Xobilia.' 
 
 'Stranger,' said Mr. Peabody, 'I see you lift your 
 eyebrows at that, as if you wanted an ailidavit to the 
 fact. I'll tell 3'ou where to prospect for them nobs as 
 senators calls 'em. Go to St ke Harbour and you Avill 
 find lots of them, as stiif and tall as church steeples. 
 Lord, I shall never forg-et the first time I see them. I 
 paid a crittur, called Spencer Temple, a broken-down 
 ling'lish lawyer, live pounds to show mo the locations. 
 When wc returned to Victoria, the variuint s})ent the 
 whole of the money in brandy, until he was a caution 
 to sinners to behold. At last 1 got him up to my room, 
 and had a bed made for liim in one corner. AVell, one 
 night the crittur bounced ont of bed in a ravin', tarin' 
 fit, and standin' up in his shirt tail before my sea chest, 
 which he took for a judge, sais he, making a low bow 
 to it, "My lord," said he, "I must apologize to you for 
 appearing before you not only without my wig and 
 gown, but Avithout my coat and trousers. A Yankee 
 loafer, of the name of Peabody, has stolen them." 
 "You miserable skunk," sais I, "I'd cowdiide you if you 
 were worth the leather, but you ain't. Your mother 
 don't know you. Your skin is too loose for you. Tlio 
 galls don't like you, and what's more, you are a cussed 
 had bake into the bargain. Take that," saysl'afetchin' 
 him a wipe or two across his l)ack wdth my shot-bag. 
 With that ho jumped up on cend till his head struck tho 
 ceilin,' and then, fallin' on his knees, and lioldin' up 
 both his hands, he said, " My lord, I plead guilty, and 
 throw myself on the mercy of the court — 1 wdll read an 
 laiVulavit in mitigation of punishment." "Into bed with 
 Jy^^u," sais I ; and I up with him in my arms, and forced 
 llnm m, and then made liun swaller a g'lass of brandy 
 
16 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKICT. 
 
 ond lar.flanum, iliat soon put liim to sloop and Rot liim a 
 RHorin liko a biiiiulo. 1 had a tempest ical time witli liim 
 1 tell yon.' 
 
 'Tlio i'isliories,' contlnnod llio Senator, *aro on a 
 scale that is almost ineivdiblc In August an 1 Septem- 
 ])er, the water is literally alive with salmon, of which 
 there are seven distinct kinds, 'i'hey are lin(> large iisli, 
 sometimes weighing* from lifty to sixty pounds, and, on 
 an average, thirty of them, when cured, till a barrel. 
 Enormous quantities are caught by the Indians, who sell 
 them to the Hudson's liay Company, by whom they are 
 exported to the Sandwich Islands, San Francisco, and 
 the Spanish main. Herrings are also taken in immense 
 numbers, likewise cod and halibut. In short, as regards 
 the fishery, Vancouver is to the Pacific what Newfound- 
 land is to the Atlantic. The native hemp of the country 
 lias been proved, both in New York and New Orleans, 
 to be superior to that of llussia. To all these advan- 
 tages, wliicli would be otherwise useless, we must add 
 the harbours. I say nothing of those on the Sound and 
 Straits (and they are very numerous), luit I speak of 
 Ksquiinault and Victoria, which are only three miles 
 distant from each other, and at one point only separated 
 by a strip of land six hundred yards wide. Esquimault 
 is a circular bay or basin, hollowed by nature out of the 
 solid rock. SaiUng through a narrow entrance between 
 two low rocky promontories, you suddenly enter a land- 
 Ioek(>d harbour, that looks like a lake in a pine forest. 
 It afl'ords good anchorage, is very capacious, and has a 
 depth of from live to eight fathoms of water. The 
 environs arc admirably suited for a city, and the entrance 
 is so constructed by nature, that it can be easily fortified. 
 The adjoining harbour of Victoria, where the capital is 
 situated, though smaller and not so deep, is admitted by 
 all udio have seen it, to i)resent the most beautiful 
 ])lateau for a city in the world, which, as I have already 
 said, will, at no distant day, cover the wdiole promon- 
 tory that separates it from the other and larger port, 
 and present the singular spectacle of a town having two 
 harbours and two entrances from the sea. I have told 
 
 i 
 
 don 
 
 do be 
 
 .you 
 
 can't 
 
 I'aihv 
 
 ^.'l>i)oi 
 
 i'ovts, 
 
 ^vill ' 
 
 ihnn 
 
 thenj, 
 
 Jt's C( 
 
 destijij 
 
 -Ajiteril 
 
 ^vitii 
 
 /here 
 
 ^'^'depej 
 
 i'-^id asf 
 
 nil ere J 
 
 as i]ifl( 
 
IV 
 
 AN EVENING AT COKK. 
 
 17 
 
 Im a 
 
 him 
 
 m a 
 
 .vh'u'U 
 
 10 scU 
 ey t^v^' 
 
 0, ii^i^^ 
 imcuso 
 
 eo-ai'ds 
 rfound- 
 ioiuitry 
 )rlcans, 
 advan- 
 ust add 
 und and 
 5peak of 
 CO niUcs 
 eparated 
 quimault 
 
 at of tho 
 between 
 )r a land- 
 ue forest, 
 mdhas a 
 
 tor. 'n^« 
 
 cutrancc 
 [ortUicd. 
 I capital is 
 hinittedby 
 , bcantifnl 
 ve already 
 e promoii- 
 arger port, 
 '^laving two 
 have tola 
 
 yoii (but I must repeat it, for it is most Important lo 
 iviiKMiiber), that tliesu two jilaces, Ks(piiinault and Vic- 
 tnria, (iicrli;4)S I inii;lit dt'si,^•Ilate Ijoth as Victoria Jiay), 
 otTcr, witli the oxecijlion of snialUn* ones, h('lon.i;-in,L;- to 
 AaiicoiiVLT, tlio only sat'(3 and ai)|)roacl»ahlo liarl»our, 
 I'or several llKn^Mnd miles of coast. I have hitherto 
 spoken to you of the Island, Avithout reference to J]ritish 
 Cohnnhia; 1 have alhided merely to itself, its resources, 
 and its ehinale; but ^vhen you consider its position in 
 reference to the main land, the fertile re.i;"ion of Fra/er's 
 Ifiver Jind C(jluml)ia, the Saskatchewan, the Ked Uiver, 
 and the Canadas, and view it as the terminus of aline of 
 I'ailway from Jlalifax, Nova Scotia, on the Atlantic, and 
 the centre of the trade? of the East, you feel as if you 
 reipiired to pause and consider the subject in all its 
 lu'arin^'s, before? you could at all appreciate the influence 
 this vouu''* England is to exercise on the destinies of the 
 world.' 
 
 'Hear him, stranger,' said Peabod^', *do for goodness 
 gracious sake, now, just hear him ; how good he talks, 
 don't he / what a candid man he is, ain't he? Ly, yon 
 do beat the devil! Stranger! he is only a bammiu of 
 you; he knows as well as I do, we must 'jiex it; wo 
 can't help it, no how Ave can fix it. Go on and lay your 
 railway, biiild the city, o[jeu the trade, erect churches, and 
 a[)})ohit a bishop, make the dock-yards, construct the 
 forts, and Avhen you have done, let us know, and we 
 will 'nex it. AVe can't afford to let yon hold it, no more 
 than we can afford to let Spain hold Cuby. We want 
 them, and what we want we nuist have — th.at arc a fact. 
 It's contrary to the Munro doctrine, and the American 
 destiny, that foreigners should plant new colonies in 
 America. The first time you are engaged in war 
 with some continental power, our people will go over 
 there in shoals, call a public meeting, declare the j^laco 
 independent, hoist our noble goose and gridiron flag, 
 111 id ask Congress to be 'nexed to the greatest nation in 
 all creation ! ! Wc shall then acknowledge the country 
 as independent, and as a great favour, 'nex it, and rc» 
 
 
 
 1 
 
18 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 ccivc its nioDibors into Coii^tcss, and liow ran you stop 
 us? It ain't in tlic natur ol" thing's yon can.' 
 
 *I\ry g-ood I'riond,' I said, ' aIliion*;h 1 have novor boon 
 at Vanconvor Island, I am avcII a(.v|naint(Ml with Canada, 
 its j)cojtlo, and tlicir loyal I'ccliiif''. They now nnniltcr 
 three millions, -which is ahont the extent of the popnla- 
 tion of the old colonies, when tlu^y revolted and achieved 
 their independence. If at that time you were able suc- 
 cessfully to resist the whole force of (ireat liritain, I 
 assure you the Canadians are fully conii)etent to defend 
 tlicir tcrritor}^, and resolved to do so ag'iiinst .aggression. 
 They have not only no desire for annexation witli the 
 United States, but would consider it a great misfor- 
 tune; nor do I believe the acquisition of British North 
 America is desired by the intelligent portion of your 
 people, even if it were i)ractical)le. There may be some; 
 excuse for your desiring an increase of territory on tla^ 
 Bouth, as your connnerceand ))eace are both endangered 
 and disturbed by the r(>peated revolutions amon^ your 
 ]\[exican neighbours, who are ccpially nnable to govern 
 themselves, or protect the lives and i)roperty of foreign- 
 ers, who are resident among them. The inhabitants of 
 British North America would deeply deplore a severance 
 of the coTHiexion with Great Britain ; and if such an event 
 should ever occur, it will not arise from the annexation 
 or conquest of their country by you, nor from a success- 
 ful contest ^\[{\\. the parent state, but from the natural 
 course of events, in which colonies become too pojDulous 
 to be dependent, and their interests too complicated and 
 important to be regulated otherwise than on the spot, 
 by entire self-government. And be assured, that if they 
 do become independent, it will be by the mutual consent 
 and good-will, and, let me add, the mutual regret of both 
 parties. Indeed, now that steam has bridged the At- 
 lantic, and the electric telegraph anniliilatcd distance, I 
 cannot conceive how a separation can conduce to the 
 interests of cither party. The topic is not an agreeable 
 one ; suppose wo discuss it no further.' 
 
 * I entirely agree with you,' said the Senator. * Noisy 
 demagogues may boast and brag about our destiny, but 
 
AN r.vF.xiNc AT conft. 
 
 10 
 
 11 stop 
 r horn 
 
 1)1(» suc- 
 •itain, I 
 ) dcl'ciul 
 
 Jvith the 
 , niisfnr- 
 3\i KovlU 
 of your 
 • be sonio 
 L-y oil tln^ 
 
 ong your 
 
 o'ovcru 
 .f foreigu- 
 bitauts of 
 
 severance 
 
 U an event 
 Luuexatlon 
 a success- 
 ,lic natural 
 o populous 
 Ticated and 
 L tlie spot, 
 diat a they 
 lal consent 
 •ret of both 
 '.d the At- 
 distance, I 
 We to the 
 |u agreeable 
 
 tor. 'Koisy 
 lcstmy» but 
 
 no ponsiMo man anions; us dcsiiv^s tho innorporalioii of 
 Urilisli North Anu.'riea into our fcdrral union. \V<« have 
 iis inucli torritoiy as we can «>;ov(>rn; and, as Vjinoonvcr 
 will Ix^ tho g-rcat n;ival station of Kn<;land on the racilic, 
 it will be as (easily defended as any oilier portion of tli(; 
 empire. The system of j;'ovenunent in the IJritish Pro- 
 vinces is, in many respects, different from oui's; and wo 
 may both borrow from (>ach other many inst motive les- 
 soits. We nnist take care that a colony does not ex- 
 liihit more real freedom, mon; respect for tlie laws, and 
 more security for life ;ind property than our ;;'reat IJe- 
 ])uhric; while tho Provincial (jI(jv(M-nm(Mit nnist l)oe(jually 
 carefnl that its institutions an.' of a kind not to en;L;-en(ler 
 iimon<^ its peojile a feelinj;' of inferiority to their nei^b- 
 l)ours, or a desire to jicquiro rights which are enjoyed on 
 the other side of their border, but withheld from them. 
 As it is, your taxes, both municipal and provincial, are 
 iiilinitelv less than ours. AVc are content, and I aiii not 
 aware that we could improve our condition. Go on ;ind 
 ]irosper. The happicu'yon are, the better nei^-hl)oursy(Mi 
 will be to us; and th(^ more i)ros[)erous you become, tlu; 
 more intimate and valuable Avill 1x3 our conunercial rela- 
 tions. There is room for us both. As a proof of what 
 ] have said, so soon as your great rail way line shall have 
 b(>en completed from Lake Su[)erior to the Pacific, our 
 China trade will i)ass through it as far as Kcd Ixivei", 
 %vlierc a divero-in^i;' lu-anch will convey our goods and 
 passengers to St. Paul's, in oNIinncsota, and from tlienco 
 diffuse it over the wdiole Union. AVe are both equally 
 interested in this route, for all the practicable passes 
 throuo'h the llcK'ky Mountains are in British Columbia, 
 and the oidy harbours for large ships are situated in 
 Vancouver. One thing is certain, the Australian, Japan, 
 and Sandwich Islands mails and passengers must ])ass 
 tlirough this line, as well as the traflic to and from 
 China. But tell me, please, how could your government 
 have hermetically sealed, for so many years, that fertile 
 and vast country lying betw^cen Lake Superior and the 
 Pacific? They tell me that the great hunter, called 
 Bear Ellicc, from the number of bears he lias destroyed, 
 
 c 2 
 
 1 1 
 
^^ 
 
 
 
 THE SEASOK-TICKET. 
 
 -wlio rivals Colonel Crockett as a, dead shot, aiiu Gordon 
 Cummin,^,', for his contests with wild boasts, once a Hud- 
 son's Bay Trapper, but now a member of Parliament, is 
 the man who represented the whole territory as a howl- 
 ing wilderness, frozen forty feet deep in winter, and 
 burnt to a cinder in summer, and frig-htened Parliament 
 into giving his Company the monopoly of the trade.' 
 
 I could hardly refrain from laughing, to hear this 
 sensible man talk such nonsense, and fall into such an 
 absurd mistake. Neither the English nor Americans un- 
 der^, land each other ; and both are too apt to give credence 
 to the most idle reports, and to impute motives that have 
 no existence but in their own imaginations. 
 
 'Mr. Edward EUice,' I said, 'is no hunter,' I assure 
 you. lie is a large landed proprietor in Canada, and a 
 leading partner of the Hudson's Bay Com]iany, as well 
 as a conspicuous member of Parliament, lie is a man 
 of great information and much influence, but not distin- 
 guished, that ever I heard, for personal encounters with 
 "•■yild beasts. The sobriquet of "Bear" was given to liiui 
 by his AVhig friends (who arc fond of bestowing nick- 
 names) from a certain brusque manner, and an impatience 
 of contradiction, though I could never see that he de- 
 served it more than any other man of fixed opinions.' 
 
 ' Will you swear,' said Pcabody, ' he never killed a 
 bear?' 
 
 'I cannot undertake to do that,' I said; 'but I do not 
 believe he ever shot one, nor do I tlnnk ho ever had the 
 ojiportunity of doing so.' 
 
 ' Will vou swear he never frightcnod one to death? 
 because that's the way I am told he got the name of 
 ]jear. I'll tell you how it was. lie was one day out 
 himtm' on that cverlastui' big swamp, back of liod 
 Iviver, and the day was dark and cloudy, and he lost his 
 way ; so down he puts his rifle, and up he climbs a great 
 big dead pine tree as tall as a factory chimney, to see 
 which course to steer. Well, when he got to the top, and 
 f^urveyed the country all round, and see'd where he was, 
 just as lie turned to descend, he thought he heerd n 
 Tioisc in the tree, and seeing that it was hollow, v\-lial 
 
 f. 
 
 was th 
 I was 
 
 one mo 
 man tl'i 
 I'aeer ai 
 they 1) 
 flood), 
 El lice, t 
 j^ and 
 there 
 
AN EVENING AT CORX. 
 
 21 
 
 icnt, is 
 , liowl- 
 r, and 
 liamcnt 
 
 dc' 
 
 lar this 
 Fiucli an 
 ;ansun- 
 rctlcnco 
 latbavc 
 
 [ assnvo 
 a, and a 
 , as Avcll 
 5 a man 
 )t distin- 
 [crs witli 
 m to liiui 
 ng nick- 
 ipaticncc 
 it he dc- 
 lions.' 
 killed a 
 
 I do not 
 L- had the 
 
 ;o death? 
 name oi- 
 day out 
 
 k of l^f"*^^ 
 le lost his 
 )s a great 
 
 fy, to SCO 
 
 1C3 top, and 
 Ire he was, 
 Ic heerd ^ 
 
 Low, vvhui 
 
 flors lie do but let himself down into it like a swoop; but, 
 as lie got near the butt, thc3 size of tiic hollow increased, 
 so lie couldn't brace himself no longer, eithor by his 
 hands or feet, and he slipped right down to the bottom 
 cliewallop, and what shoukl he lind tlierc but two young 
 cubs. AYcll, he gov himself up for lost. lie knew lie 
 couldn't crawl up again ; and he knew if the old bear 
 came arter him there would be no room to fight her, and 
 lie would be chawed up like a piece of baccy. Well, 
 Avliilc he was thinkin' the matter over, all at once ho 
 heard an awful grunt, and the place grew dismal dark, 
 for the bear was coming down, raving, roaring, dis- 
 tracted mad, starn foremost, as bears always do. What 
 docs he do, when he sees the iix he was in, but stand 
 l)elow, and, as the bear was about touchin' bottom with 
 her hind legs, he seizes hold of her by the iur of her 
 thighs with his hands, gives a tremendous, great, long, 
 enduring yell, like a panther, and then seizes the tail in 
 his teeth, and bit away like a shark. Up runs the bear 
 as fast as she could, dragging Ellice after her, who, when 
 he got to the top gave another nip and another yell, and 
 then slid down the tree arter the bear, got hold of his 
 gun, and just as he levelled on her, down she dropt dead 
 from fright ; so he just skinned her, and made tracks for 
 the Fort. Ever arter that they called him *'i>ear 
 Ellice :" fact, I assure you.* 
 
 'Why, Pcabody,* said the Senator, < that's Colonel 
 Crockett's ptory; why, surely, you know better than 
 that.' 
 
 ' Well,' replied the other, * so I always thought it 
 was the Colonel that performed that are feat, and when 
 I was at the diggins to Frazer's River, I told that story 
 one night, as Colonel Crockett's, but there wer a Scotch- 
 man there, a great, tall, raw-boned critter, as hard as a 
 racer and as lank as a greyhound, and Scotch like (for 
 they boast of having done every clever thing since the 
 Hood), ho swore it was their great factor and hunter, 
 Ellice, that did it. I bet twenty dollars with liim on 
 it, and we left it to the company to decide, and as 
 there was only seven of us iu camp, and fivQ wore 
 
 
■■!*■ JUMUBBaS 
 
 22 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKET. 
 
 Scotchmen, they p,'ov it ap,'ninst mo, in conrso, nnd I 
 paid down the money, and did the thing- .^'cnteel. Well, 
 plague take the money, I don't care for that, but I am 
 proper glad to hear it was Crockett avter all, for tho 
 credit of our great nation. If ever I meet that arc 
 great, gaunt Scotchman again, I'll take the money out 
 of his pocket, or the valy out of his hide! sec if I 
 don't.' 
 
 ' Well, -well,' said the Senator, ' if that don't beat all, 
 it's a i)ity ; how hard it is to believe what you hear, ain't 
 it, k't your authority be ever so good? Perhaps, after 
 all, the thing never happened to either, and was what 
 Ave call " made out of whole cloth." But that monopoly 
 was a foolish thing, and well-nigh cost you the country, 
 for had it not been for the discovery of gold at Frazer's 
 Ptiver, it is probable the whole territory would have 
 passed by possession and squatting into our hands.' 
 'How is it,' I said, ^jou. talk so httle about the g'old 
 fields V *" Because,' he replied, ' as I before observed, I 
 consider them merely " as the means to an end." I have 
 been speaking of that which depends on industry and 
 enterprise, of permanent intrinsic resources, of a com- 
 manding position, of a commercial depot, that, with our 
 knowledge of the globe, can never be rivalled. The gold 
 deposits will attract the population necessary to settle 
 the country, and nurture and mature its commerce ; but 
 it has a value far beyond "the diggings" that will enrich 
 it for ages after the gold fields have been exhausted. I 
 do not undervalue the immense auriferous deposits of 
 Jiritish Columbia. You must trust to them to stimulate 
 emigration, buo you must look to the country itself to 
 retain the population thus attracted. The diggers must 
 be fed, and their expenditure will support the farmer and 
 the fisherman, until extended commerce shall require and 
 repay the united efforts of all. In a few years the whole 
 face of the country will be changed, and communities 
 and cities will start into existence as if by magic. The 
 enterprise, science, and energy of tlie West, will require 
 ftnd coimuand the labour of the East, and Yancouvcr 
 
 
AX EVEMXO AT CORK. 
 
 23 
 
 AVell, 
 , I aia 
 
 "or tho 
 lat arc 
 icy out 
 DC if I 
 
 >cat all, 
 ir, ain't 
 s, after 
 iS wUat 
 onopoly 
 jountiy, 
 Frazer's 
 Id liavo 
 hands.* 
 :hc gold 
 5crvcd, I 
 ' I have 
 stry and 
 f a com- 
 with our 
 The gold 
 settle 
 rce ; but 
 ill enrich 
 isted. I 
 posits of 
 stimulate 
 itself to 
 ■crs must 
 irmer and 
 quire and 
 the whole 
 nmunities 
 .'ie. The 
 II require 
 ancouver 
 
 will be the centre wlicro the products of both homis- 
 Ijlicrcs will 1)0 excliangcd.' 
 
 ' What,' I asked, 'do you estimate the distance to bo 
 from Liv(3rpool to Vancouver, via Halifax, for much of 
 what 3'ou say nnist d('i)ond upcm that?' 'Thecntiro 
 dLstance,' he said, 'is about 5, GOO miles ' — 
 
 Liverpool to IlaUfax, say . . 
 From Halifax to Quebec ., 
 Tiiciico to Lake Huron, is . . 
 Thence to the head of Lake Superior 
 Thence, vld lied l.'iver and dii^gings to the moutii 
 of Frazer's Itiver, on the Pacific 
 
 2, ICO 
 COO 
 f.OO 
 £534 
 
 1,500 
 
 5,000 
 
 That is, the passage to Halifax will occupy nine days, 
 and the journey thence to Vancouver, six days — in all, 
 liftcen days to the Pacific from Liverpool. Why, 
 stranger, I was once fifty-five days in a sailiug'-vesscl, 
 making the voyage from England to Boston. You must 
 remember that the route, Avith 'he (^xcei)tion of the At- 
 lantic, is ivhoVji through British America, while the 
 shortest one, now in use, through Panama, is 8,200 
 miles, being 2, GOO miles longer than by the Canadian 
 route. From Vancouver to Canton, the distance is 
 G,900 miles, and to Sydney, 8,200. Thus, the saving in 
 distance is such that the mails can be conveyed to Aus- 
 tralia in ten days less than by Panama, while the journey 
 ;o T»jkin can be performed in thirty days. But enough 
 lias been said ; you have the shortest possible route, and 
 the most practicable, through your own territory, from 
 one ocean to the other, the finest harbours in the world 
 (Halifax and Esquimault), abundance of coal at the 
 termini, and the most direct communication with all the 
 eastern world. AVith the exception of the sea voyages, 
 you can proceed from London to the Himalaya moun- 
 tains on the borders of China, through British posses- 
 sious. And now, what do you say to the route to bed V 
 '(Jood night, and good-bye,' I said; 'I have to thank 
 you for a very agreeable and instructive evening, and 
 
 
24 
 
 TITE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 ftm Borry wo mnst part so soon. I embark for South- 
 ampton to-morrow ; here is my address ; I shall be happy 
 to SCO you there.' 
 
 * Thank you,' he replied ; ^ we shall find ourselves 
 there next week, and hope to have the pleasure of 
 meeting you again.' 
 
 * Stranger,' said Mr. Peabody, as he shook me by the 
 hand, '■ you were not born yesterday, I guess. 1 way 
 only sparrin,' and had the gloves on. If I hit you, it 
 was only a poke given in fun. Good night ;' and as he 
 emptied his glass, he added, ' Here's to our next meet* 
 ug, whenever and wherever that may be.' 
 
 I 
 
 TlIEi 
 
 stant. 
 TJiis, 
 iumia 
 eortai 
 AVJien 
 p.'iiiy 1 
 UWiy : 
 a mon 
 called 
 ill law 
 than tf 
 for m} 
 wlio m 
 In do 
 arid cv 
 turn 01 
 to do 
 execute 
 Our be 
 destroy 
 the bat 
 to adva 
 to show 
 nately r 
 into a c 
 
 f^olf, 01 
 
 luoiioy ; 
 not tak 
 y^'ur wj 
 oaJy. ^i 
 
WALKS, TALKSj ANP CHALKS. 
 
 25 
 
 No. II. 
 
 I 
 
 WALK?, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 
 
 The older I gTow llio loss roliaiico I placo on circimi- 
 staiitial, or what lawyers call presumptive evidence. 
 This, we are told, is founded upon the; connection which 
 human experience demonstrates usually to exist between 
 certain facts and circumstances and certain other events. 
 AVhen the one occurs, the others arc presumed to accom- 
 ])iiny them, almost as a matter of course. The proba- 
 bihty is so stron^^ in some cases, that they say it creates 
 a moral conviction. In my opinion, this ought not to be 
 called a presumption of law, but a piece of presumption 
 in lawj'-crs. Nothing can be more unsafe or uncertain 
 than this mode of drawing- conclusions from probabihties ; 
 for my experience accords with that of Rocliefoucaulr, 
 who maintains that ' what is probable seldom happens.' 
 Indeed, it appears to mo sometimes as if everybody 
 and everything in the w^orld was perverse. Few things 
 turn out as you expect. No one does wdiat he is desired 
 to do ; even if he complies with an order he fails to 
 execute it in the manner and at the time prescribed. 
 Our best-laid plans are frustrated, and our fondest hopes 
 destroyed ; ' The race is not always to the swift, nor 
 tlie battle to the strong*.' If you wish to exhibit a child 
 to advantage it is sure to misbehave ; if you are anxious 
 toshowthe walking or trottingpowers of a horse, he obsti- 
 nately refuses to use either pace, but persists in breaking 
 into a canter ; if he has speed, he either won't exert hini- 
 self, or he bolts, and you lose both your patience and your 
 money ; if you have a good church living, your son will 
 not take holy orders ; if you have an entailed estate, 
 your wit'(! most provokingly presents you witli daughters 
 only. AVithuut any reasonable cause you dislike the 
 
 1^ 
 
 •I 
 
 m 
 
 i 
 
 ■/■J 
 
26 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 heir presumptive, and y()ur life is consumed in vain 
 regrets that your properly must not only pass away 
 from your family, but go to tlio very person above all 
 
 others m tlie \vorld whom you do not wish to be 3'our 
 successor. The rector of your parish, whom you fondly 
 hoped would be an ally, a confidential adviser, and a 
 welcome g'uest, is a thorn in your side that you can 
 neither extract nor endure. He is either a Pusevite, 
 wlio opens the gate, rubs out his Master's marks, lets 
 his sheep escape and mix with the flock in the next 
 pasture, and is not honest enough to follow them ; or ho 
 is an ultra Evangelical, who despises all ecclesiastical 
 authority, until lie becomes a Bishop, when he preaches 
 from every text but charity and humility. As a landed 
 proprietor, you sometimes think his sermon is personal, 
 and is meant for you ; and the congregation se(Mn to be 
 of the same opinion, for when he alludes to Ahab covet- 
 ing his neighbour's vinej^ard, all eyes are turned uiion 
 you. If, after consulting the moon and the barometer, 
 you give a fete champctre, as soon as the company 
 assembles, a gale of ^V'ind arises, prostrates your tents, 
 and the rain falls in torrents, driving your dripi)iiig 
 guests into the house ; the piano is appealed to as a last 
 resource, and some wicked friend sings, in mockery of 
 your affliction — 
 
 ' There's nae luck a,bo't the house.' 
 
 Nor are you less perverse yourself. If you have to rise 
 early for a jom'ney you are sure to feel so uncommonly 
 sleepy that morning, that you would give all the Avorld 
 for another nap ; if you have a duty to perform, it 
 becomes irksome, not because it is dillicult, but because 
 it must be done ; it is therefore postponed until the 
 latest moment, and then something occurs that prevents 
 its being attended to at all. Indeed, the events of life, 
 like dreams, appear in the words of the old proverb, 'to 
 go by con^mries.' 
 
 I have been led into this train of reflection by what 
 occurred in the smoking-room at Cork. It was natural 
 to suppose that our conycrsation, as travellers, woulil 
 
"\7ALIvS, TALK?, AND CHALKS. 
 
 ^^7 
 
 vain 
 
 '0 all 
 your 
 
 imdly 
 uicl a 
 1 can 
 ,cyitc, 
 ;, lots 
 ! next 
 
 or ho 
 astical 
 Gaelics 
 landed 
 rsonal, 
 n to be 
 ( covet- 
 d npon 
 onK^tov, 
 iuipaiiy 
 
 tentrt, 
 
 ^^s a last 
 kery of 
 
 to rise 
 Immonly 
 Ic Avorld 
 [orm, it 
 Ibccanso 
 Intil tlio 
 
 )re vents 
 of life, 
 
 -crb, 'to 
 
 hy what 
 natural 
 pj would 
 
 ■ i 
 
 m 
 
 have turned upon the place wo wore in, or the country in 
 which it was situated; but instead of tliat, we trans- 
 ported ourselves more thau five thousand miles away, 
 and discoursed upon Vancouver and the Interoceauic 
 ^lailwa3^ It is always so. At sea we never talk of the 
 ship, unless it be to ascertain our progress ; and when 
 we arrive at the port of our destination, tlie past, and 
 ]iot the present, occupies our attention. The n.-ason we 
 are so little improved by our travels is, we allow our 
 thoughts to be diverted from the object we had in view 
 when we left home. Experience ought to make us 
 wiser ; and I shall endeavour hereafter not to fall into a 
 similar error. I have neither the station nor the ability 
 to lead conversation, but I shall strive for the future to 
 
 turn it to topics connected with the country in wnich I 
 
 - - - <? 
 
 am sojournnij,. 
 
 \fV. 
 
 But what avail good resolutions 
 
 As I have already said, I had just taken a " season 
 ticket " on the line between Southampton and London, 
 and had no sooner determined on that mode of amuse- 
 ment, than unforeseen circumstances f(^r a time diverted 
 me from my plan, and mduced me to cross the Channel 
 to Ireland. 
 
 It is not very easy to know one's owu mind, but we 
 no sooner arrive at a conclusion than the wind veers, and 
 Ave change our course. The South- Western Company 
 have got my money, and I have my ticket in my pocket. 
 AYhen shall I use it? Tune alone can answer — I 
 cannot. 
 
 On the morning after my accidental meeting with the 
 Americans, as related in the last chapter, my friend Gary 
 called to say that unforeseen difficulties having arisen to 
 prevent the completion of the business on which he had 
 come to Ireland, he could not possibly return for several 
 days, and lie begged me to remain till he was ready to 
 embark. 
 
 ' Zackly,* said Mr. Peabody, who just then entered the 
 coffee-room — ' Zackly, stranger : hold on by your e^^elids 
 and belay where you be. Senator and I are going right 
 slick off to Killarney, like a streak of greased lightning, 
 and will bo back a^iu 'bout the latter cend of the week. 
 
 
 ; Ml 
 
 
 
 i ' 
 
riWM 
 
 iHHMi 
 
 IttUt- 
 
 28 
 
 THE SEASOX-TT'JKFT. 
 
 ns sure as ratos. S'poscn yon ^o witli its. It v/ill liolp 
 you to pass the time, and that's better nor bein<^' cag'cd 
 here like a toad, that's gTOwcd over when it's asleep with 
 h.'irk, and ^'cts coHined in a pine tree. Let's have somo 
 "i6'«//j,'?, ta/h, and chalks" about the Lakes. Senator 
 can talk " Proverbs of Solomon " to you, for he is well 
 up in the Book of Wisdom, and the Irish are the boys for 
 " Lamentations." It's no wonder they had a famine, 
 when the country raises nothen' but g-rievances, and 
 that's a crop that g-rows spontenaciously here. It covers 
 the mountains and bogs, and the hills, and the valleys ; 
 it pysons the lawns, and it overruns the parks. It spiles 
 the gravel walks, a. id it grows in tlie pavement of the 
 streets. It's like that cussed weed charlock, if you kill 
 ()]ie root of it, fifty come to the funeral, and a hundred 
 more put in a claim to the soil. If you go for to weed 
 it, the Devil himself couldn't pull it out without tearhig' 
 up the wheat along with it. But that's neither here 
 nor there. It's their business — not ourn ; and my rule 
 is, to let every feller skin his own foxes. If an Irishman 
 will fill his knapsack with grievances, ho has a right to 
 do so ; he has to carry it, and not me. I am looking 
 after fun, not grievances. You arc all packed up. 
 S'posen you jine Senator and me? Wc have both 
 travelled a considerable sum. I'll swop nanny goats 
 with you, and give you boot when you tell the best one. 
 I'll tell you stories all day long, till the cows come home. 
 Waiter, put the gentleman's plunder and fixins into the 
 car ;' and before I had time to reflect, I was off. 
 
 ' Quomecunquc rapit tempcstas, defcror hospcs.* 
 
 * Perhaps,* I thought, ' it is all for the best ; as I have 
 had no opportunity of forming expectations I cannot be 
 disappomted.' 
 
 After wc had proceeded a short distance, Peabody 
 suddenly stood up on the car, and addressing the driver, 
 said, ' Ilallo ! wliore under the blessed light of the living 
 sun are you a-going to, you scaly son of a sca-sarpint ? 
 pidu't I tell ^ou to drive to the tlailroad V 
 
r.'ALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 
 
 29 
 
 * Sure, yer hoiincr, isn't it to tlio racl road I a:n .^oiii-v 
 with yer liouncr, and liis lordsliip fmm Eiig-land tliero,* 
 jioiiitiii^ to nie. * Well, let her went then,' said the 
 Yankee, 'for I am wratliy, and if I lose the train, the 
 devil a cent will you get out of my pocket, if you take nu; 
 up by the heels and shake mc for an hour. Go ahead,' 
 and he gave a yell that brought to their feet a dozen men 
 in a field, who were lazily contemplating from the ground 
 llie incredible amount of work they had done that morning. 
 The horse started under its iniluence into a gallop, which 
 nearly jerked us off the car, and the driver cast a terrili(Ml 
 glance at the performer, to ascertain whether or not ho 
 had the devil for a passenger, for neither he nor any one 
 else who had not ascended the head waters of the Missis- 
 eippi ever before heard such an unearthly shriek. Then, 
 .suddenly seizing the reins, Peabody stopped the horse, 
 and said, ' Come now, a joke is a joke, and I have no 
 <)l>jection to one when I lire it off myself, but I ain't a 
 target for every fellow to prac^/6^c on, I tell yon. Now, 
 do you know where 3'ou are going-, you skulpin, you?' 
 
 ' Is it do I know where I am going to V 
 
 ' Come now, no shuffling, but be .straight up and 
 down, like a cow's tail. Say yes or no f 
 
 ' Well, I do, yLT lionncr.' 
 
 ' Where to 1 ' 
 
 ' To Killarney. Sure I heard 3'cr honncr saj^ you V\'afl 
 going to Killarney.' 
 
 ' Yes, but I didn't tell 3'ou to go there. I told you to 
 drive to the railway.' 
 
 ' And so you are on the racl way, yer lionner ; and 
 the rael way it is for g'ontlemen like you to travel Avhere 
 you can have the whole carriage to yourselves, and seo 
 all the country, instead of being shut up like a convict, 
 going to Spike Island, in that coffin of a box on the line, 
 where you can't see nothen for the smoke and the dust, 
 and can't get out to w^alk up the hills, and stretch your 
 legs, let alone have a pipe. vSure, it's myself that know3 
 the country entirely, every inch of it, far and near ; all 
 that you can see, let alone what is out of sight, and the 
 demesnes, and them tluit tliey belong- to, forby them 
 
 dv. 
 
 I, 
 r 
 
 1 
 
 -t 
 
 
 '. *■ 
 
 
 ■'I 'fix 
 
 
80 
 
 THE SKASOX-TICKET. 
 
 Hint ^vas IIk; rc.'il owiiors boforo ilio oonnsliralionR. 
 ])i(lii't I (Irivo lli(3 American Aiiil)assa(l(»r and liis niece, 
 (jlo(l l)Iess 'oiii bolli; and didn't tliey liestow their ni^ncy 
 
 liai!. " I'at," says liis rjordsliij) 
 
 on tlio ])()nv ;is wvi) as 
 
 to me (tiio' iny nani(3 is Larry, for fnrrincrs always tliiidv 
 an Irislnnan's naino is I'at), "take that Irille, my boy," 
 ) fitting" a ])iccc of goold into my liand, tliat liad an ai.^'lc 
 on it, wid its 'Nving-s spread ont, as if it Avas makinp^ 
 for its own nest at KiUarney — "take that, ]'at, and 
 (\v\uk to the health of the Americans, tiie friends of old 
 Ireland." ' 
 
 All this, and more, was addressed to ^\v. IVabody, 
 whom the ([uick-witted driver soon j)ereeiv(Ml, from his 
 ])ronnnciation and manner, to be an American ; nor was 
 it thrown away npon liim ; it reconciled him to the trick 
 that had been plaj^ed upon him, abont the railway sta- 
 tion. ' Bnt,' said he, before lie assented to this chang'c 
 of route, ' how can that horse take so many of ns V 
 
 ' Take so many of yez, is it ? Bedad, he'd take the 
 whole of ye, and two more in the well besides, and be 
 ]irond to do it, too. lie is worth both of Mike Cal- 
 laghan's nag's, wdio travelled the whole distance with 
 only one leg' atween the two.' ' IIow w^as that ?' said 
 the Yaidcee. ' Why, he rode one of them hisself, and 
 as he didn't set sidewa3^s like a g-all, in coorse there ims 
 only one leg atween them.^ * Stranger,' said Peabody, 
 ' you may take my hat. Score me down for that ; you 
 have aimed it, and I will stand treat. Drive on !' 
 
 It is needless to say that the animal, as Pat knew full 
 well, was unequal to the work, and that we had to liirc 
 relays on the road, to complete our journey. 
 
 It is not my intention to narrate the incidents on the 
 ■way, or to s])eak of the country through which wo 
 passed. Guide-books and ' Tours ' innumerable have 
 exhausted the subject. Nor shall I attempt to describe 
 the far-famed Lakes, and their varied scenery, at once 
 BO sublime and beautiful. Indeed, had I the inclination, 
 I am free to confess I have not the pow^r to do so. I 
 had seen Killarney before on several occasions, and 
 every time camo away more and more impressed with its 
 
 01 ng 
 vev? 
 
 « 
 
 Jilac 
 i At a 
 ' g'(>ii(l 
 ]arg( 
 is 111 
 doiil) 
 ' iiiten 
 ; tious 
 ■ then 
 hole 
 ])reJM 
 j \\\\\\> 
 \ Th 
 ^ Irish 
 Whi(( 
 
 C'llllpii 
 
 reiiiot 
 
 which 
 
 with \ 
 
 The A 
 
 highcs 
 
 they c 
 
 V s(.'em r 
 
 there i 
 
 ; and ni( 
 
 I comes 
 
 I endless 
 
 ; the eln 
 
 I hcautif 
 
 ' vary vi 
 
 I portan( 
 
 % is in kc 
 
 \ right p 
 
 I iiist(^ad 
 
 J as not ( 
 
 I by cont 
 
 which 
 
"WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 
 
 31 
 
 CO the 
 
 [lul 1)0 
 
 Cal- 
 with 
 
 said 
 
 and 
 G teas 
 body, 
 
 you 
 
 full 
 liiro 
 
 the 
 li wo 
 havo 
 5cribo 
 oncG 
 itiou, 
 JO. I 
 and 
 th its 
 
 o!n,c:nlar boaut}'. No description I liavc ever read con- 
 vcvs all a(l('()uate idea of tlu^ oxquisitcj scciumt, and no 
 jilacc I am aciiuaiiitcd willi in any i)art of the world can 
 ttt all be compared with it. 'i'iie Anuiricau lakes are in 
 pMieral too tame and isolated, and those of Canada too 
 lar.i^'c. There is nothin.i:; like Killarney ; of its kind. It 
 is 'inii(ine. The English lakes, lovely thou<^-h they nn- 
 (lonbtedly be, are on a difiV'rent scale ; and much of the 
 interest attached to the Scotch is poetical and adventi- 
 tious. Kilhirney is as dissimilar as it is sniterior to 
 them all. And now that it is so accessible, and the 
 hotel accommodation is so g-ood, it argues either gn^it 
 j)rejudice or want of taste in Enghsh tourists to leave it 
 unvisited. 
 
 The Senator expressed the same high opinion of these 
 Irish lakes, but appeared to think that those in the 
 White Mountains of New Hampshire might well bcnir a 
 comparison with them, and regi'ctted that they were so 
 remote, and so little known. 'I have seen the lakes to 
 which you refer,' I said; 'but I nnist beg leave to differ 
 with you when you i)ut them on an equality with these. 
 The White Mountains are so lofty (for they are the 
 highest range north and east of the Mississi[)pi), th;it 
 they dwarf, as it svere, the lakes they enclose, which 
 seem mere basins, while the evergreen ])ines and hrs (for 
 there is but little variety in the forest trees) arc sombre 
 and melancholy, and a sense of loneliness and isoliitioii 
 comes over you that is almost appalling. Here there m 
 endless variety, as Avell as great luxuriance of foliage — 
 the elm, the ash, the gigantic holly, and the arbutus, are 
 bcautifull}^ intermingled, while the mountains not only 
 vary very much in size, but, what is of still more im- 
 portance, do not overpower the scene. Everything hero 
 is in keeping, and in due proportion, and I may add, in its 
 right place. The wild, barren, and rocky Gap of Uunloe, 
 instead of protruding into the foreground, is so situated 
 as not only not to disligure the scene but to prepare you 
 by contrast for the magnificent and gorgeous panorama 
 ■which so suddenly arrests and enchants you as you 
 cmerg(^ from the g^'rge. The scenery of the New Ilamp- 
 
 \\ 
 
 
 

 TIIK SKA SOX-TIC KIT. 
 
 nliiro I\rnuntaiii Lakes is ;;-raiid, Ijut not jiloaslii,!;'; and 
 Ili(5 locality is so apart from Iho 'nvoiM, that you leel as 
 if you wen; the first and only man that had ever IooIvlmI 
 upon it. Thoy hav(! no tone, no lij^ht and shade, no 
 mellowness ; all is brijij;ht, sunny, and daz/lin^'. The 
 ouliine, thou,L;-h Avavin,;:;' and graceful, is too distinct and 
 too sharjily dclined, wliile the atmosjihere is so dry, and 
 th(; sky so lii.^h and clear, that it i)reseiits one unvaryiii;;' 
 asjicct: you can take it all in at one Ai(;w, and carry 
 away v/ilh you a distinct impression of it. IJut Killar- 
 lioy, from the peculiarity of its climate, displays every 
 variety of ex])ression. The errant lleecy clouds, the 
 ])assiii.L!; shower, the transhu^'ut mist, and the dee]> Mack 
 thund<n'-cloud, the oft-recnu'ring, often-var^'ing light and 
 shade, and the smiles and tears of nature, mus-t l)e s(m>h 
 to bo a})prcciated ; th(\y defy alike the i)encil and the 
 pen. The lake of the AVhite Mountains, like every other 
 in America, has no associations connected with it, and 
 no extrinsic interest. Poetry has clothed it Avith no 
 charms ; History has refused it a name, and excluded it 
 from its pnges. The primeval shades of the mountains 
 chill you, and the nnbroken silence of its solitude lills you 
 with awe. Killarney, on the other hand, has its ruins of 
 noble structures, its traces of the hand of cultivated man, 
 its ]iiemories, its legends, and traditions. Learning and 
 ])iety have had their abode hero in remote ages, and 
 heroes and warriors repose in death in the strongholds 
 and fastnesses that proclaim their power and valour. It 
 is a fairy land, aiid the marvellous mirage reproduces 
 their departed spirits in shadowy fo1'l.I^, as they return 
 at long intervals to revisit the spot that, living", they 
 loved so well. The monks liso from their a-raves, and 
 in long and solonni processions devoutly enter the ruined 
 temples, the Avails of Avhich were once A^ocal Avith their 
 »nusic ; and the spectral O'Donoghuo emerges Avitli hi) 
 charger from the lake, and madly courses through the 
 mountains, in mimic rehearsal of the chase — a ruling,' 
 passion strong in death.' 
 
 ' A Veil, stranger,' said Pcabodj-, * Avhat's all that Avhcu 
 iV'3 fried? Do you mean to say the dead walk hcrc'^ 
 
 M 
 
 who 
 
 reali 
 
 'I 
 
 bridi 
 abhc 
 })i"ies 
 ten V 
 
 Borne 
 far fi 
 oidy ( 
 Susan 
 droll 
 
 SSo 
 
 equal t 
 
 ' 1 did. 
 
 ' I thin 
 
 with a 
 
 tor can 
 
 it's so i 
 
 out stn 
 
 cause, i 
 
 in the I 
 
 longjui 
 
 Avithout 
 
 I did nc 
 
 laugh, ' 
 
 lived nc 
 
 in Englf 
 
 in' greai 
 
1 
 
 1^*; 
 
 and 
 I feci as 
 V lookctl 
 
 KkIc, 110 
 
 iiict ami 
 dry, and 
 nvaryinjL;- 
 nd carry 
 it Killar- 
 ys every 
 nids, lln; 
 I'ej) blade 
 li!«'iit and 
 b be seen 
 , and tlH5 
 cry other 
 h it, and 
 AvitU no 
 xcbuled it 
 ponutains 
 c nils you 
 s ruins of 
 itedman, 
 •ning' and 
 "•es, and 
 onu'lioMs 
 \lour. It 
 iproduccs 
 ■y rcturii 
 iiig, Ibcy 
 ives, and 
 liC ruined 
 itli tlieir 
 
 AVitll ill' 
 
 ougli tlic 
 -a ruling 
 
 hat when 
 here V 
 
 WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 
 
 8d 
 
 3 
 
 ! 
 
 i 
 
 * I mean to say,* I replied, * that there are many persons 
 who have seen what 1 have relatcMJ, fully believe hi tho 
 reality, ami are ready to swear to it.' 
 
 ' Do ycdi Ixdieve it !* 
 
 ' I saw a procession of monks (Mice mys(df ])ass over a 
 biid,i;'e erected at the instant, and enter the ruins of tin? 
 jd)l)ey on the Island of Innisfallen, when both bridi^'e ami 
 ])riests suddeidy disappeared from view; this was about 
 ten years a«^-o.' 
 
 * Strauf^er,' said he, Hravellers see onaccountable thinp^K 
 sometimes ; but, in a jj^eneral way, these wonders hapjuMi 
 far from hum. Now, I once saw a strange thing, and 
 only once, vrcir hum,* and Ik; sang, to tho tunc; of *0h. 
 Susannah,' the following stanza, with au indescribably 
 droll expression: — 
 
 ♦ I took a walk one moonlii^ht night, 
 
 When ebbery ting wa.s still, 
 I thought I saw dead Siisau dcro, 
 
 A coming down de hill. 
 Dc buckwheat cako was in her mouth, 
 
 ])e tear was in her eye ; 
 Says I, "My lub, I'm from dc South, 
 
 Susannah, don't you cry." ' 
 
 * So you don't think the lake of tho AVhito Mountains 
 equal to Killarncy, eh ? Did you go through the notch V 
 ' I did.' 'And ain't that equal to tho Gap of Dunloc?* 
 ' 1 think not.' ' Well, did you see that are great lako 
 with a 'tarnal long Indian name to it that no created crit- 
 ter can ])ronounce without halting and drawing breath, 
 it's so full of a's, and i's, and o's, and u's, that if stretched 
 out straight it would reach clean across the water? Be- 
 cause, if you did, iu course you saw the hot, biling spring 
 in the bank, at the foot of the falls, where trout a yard 
 long jump right in, alive and kicking, and cook themselves 
 without any touss or trouble; did you see that?' ' No, 
 I did not.' ' Neither did Is' said he, with an uproarious 
 laugh, ' nor ere a Green or White Mountain boy that ever 
 lived neither ; but I thought you might, for there arc folks 
 in England who think they know more about our cverlast- 
 iu' great nation, and have heard and seen more of it than 
 
 t* 
 
 1 (i 
 
S4 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 any Yankee that ever trod slioc-lcathcr. "WHiy, one of 
 your British Kcounsals to Boston vows he has seen the 
 great sca-sarpint there, with his own blessed eyes, and his 
 wife says she will ditto the statement with her affidavy! 
 As for comparin' the two lakes, the American and the 
 Irish, and saying which is the handsumest, I won't under- 
 take the task : p'raps you are right, and p'raps you ain't, 
 may be kinder sorter so, and may be kinder sorter not so. 
 But what's the odds ? Beauty is a very line thing ; but 
 you can't hve on it ! A handsum gall and a handsum 
 view arc pretty to look at (though of the two give me the 
 gall) and if you had nothen' else to do but to look, you 
 could afford to stare as hard as an owl. But in this here 
 practical world of ourn, the mouth requires to be attended 
 to as well as the eyes, and kicks up an awful bobbery if 
 it's neglectea. Now this place is all very well in its way, 
 but it don't pay. The wood is scrubby and not fit to cut 
 for timber ; and if it was, though there is plenty of water 
 there is no fall for a saw mill — no powerful privilege of 
 any kind. There are many other places I would sooner 
 Bpekelate in to set up saw, grist, or factory mills. There 
 is a 'nation sight of good localities in this country for the 
 cotton fabric business, and I have been prospecting near 
 Galway, now that the Atlantic steamers come to Ireland. 
 But it won't do to establish manufactories in this country, 
 the i^oople are too divided. Factories and factions, like 
 fire and water, are antagonistic principles : put the fire 
 onder the water and it biles right up, foams, frets, and 
 runs over, and if you shut it up, it explodes, scalds, and 
 kills everybody ; put the water on the fire, and it first 
 quenches, and then puts it dead out. There is no such 
 country in the world, if the people had only sense enough 
 to know it. But they can't see, and if you give 'em tele- 
 scopes they either look through the big ecnd, and reduce 
 great things to trifles, or they put the little cend to their 
 eyes, and magnify mole-hills hito mountains. It takes a 
 great many different kinds of folk to make a world, and as 
 every country is a httle world in itself, it must have all 
 sorts of people in it too. Italy has only Italians, Spain, 
 Spaniards, Portugal, Portuguese, and so on, and they aro 
 
 <:'ct alo 
 
WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 
 
 35 
 
 all Romanists ; and soc what a mess tlioy make of it in 
 tlieir maniifactuix's, comnicrco, and gov(>nnnent ! Tlicy 
 arc behind all creation, tiiey are just wiiat creation was 
 iiKide out of — chaos ! Tliey are all one way of thinking". 
 You must have many men of many minds to go ahead. 
 Now, England and the United States produce every sort 
 and kind of opinion : Catholics, Greeks, Church (high and 
 low), Presbyterians (Kirk, Antiburghers, Free Church, 
 and Seceders), Methodists (Primitive and Episcopal), 
 I'nitarians, Baptists (of all shades of colour and dye), 
 Independents, Quakers, Moravians, Universalists, Luthe- 
 rans, and ever so many more dittoes, too numerous to 
 mention in a catalogue, so we must call '(>ni etcetera. 
 AVcll, you see what is the consequence? Why, they all 
 get along their own road, and no one asks the otherwhere 
 lie is going, and p'raps he couldn't tell him if he did. 
 
 ' No man wants to know another man's creed, any more 
 than lie does his name, lie has got his own conscience, 
 his own purse, and his own luggage to look arter ; it is as 
 iiuich as he can cleverly do. Each one minds his own 
 ])usincss, and never mislests another. Now, here 3'ou 
 see, it is another guess kind of matter. There are only 
 two sorts, as a body might say — Celt and Sassenach, or. 
 Catholic and Protestant — and Protestant hero means 
 only Church and Presbyterians, who make connnon cause 
 against the other. Well, what's the result? These two 
 great bodies, you see, can't agree in nothen. If you go 
 for to talk of schools, they keep apart, like the two for- 
 rard wheels of a stage coach, live feet exactly. If th(y 
 come to elections, it's the same thing; if they meet, they 
 iight; all, too, for the sake of rehgion; and if they as- 
 s('ml)le in a jury-box, it's six of one and half a dozen of 
 tlie other. Killing comes natural, half the places in Ire- 
 land begins with kill ; there is Killboy (for all IrishmeiL 
 arc called boys), and what is more onmanly, there is Kill- 
 bride ; Killbaron, after the landlords ; Kiilbarrack, after 
 the Enghsh soldiers ; Killcrew, for the navy ; Kilbritain, 
 for the English proprietors ; Killcool, for deliberate 
 murder, and Kilhnore, if that ain't enough. Stranger, 
 one sect, whatever it is, won't do, for then the clergy are 
 
 d2 
 
 k. 
 
 •■» If 
 
 k 
 
 -V 
 
36 
 
 tut: feEASON-TICKET. 
 
 apt to g-et fat and sn.v?y ; and only two sorts is worse, for 
 they fig'ht as they do here, l^ut yon must liave all sorts 
 and kinds, so that no two will agree to qnarrel with an- 
 other. Sectarian spirit is either too strong or too weak 
 here ; if it is too strong-, it should be diluted by mixinf];' 
 other kinds ; if it is too weak, the English should send 
 them more ingredients to strengthen it, and make it rael 
 jam. You have seen the Mississippi where the Ohio 
 joins it? Well, the two streams keep apart, and you 
 can trace the separate waters of different colours, ever so 
 far down ; they don't mix. Its just the same with tlie 
 St. Lawrence and the Ottowa, whore they meet together 
 and make one river, each keeps his own side, one sticks 
 to the right, and the other to the left. And you have 
 seen the Gulf-stream. Well, you may talk of ilc and 
 water not mixing*, and there is no wonder in that, because 
 their natures are different; but the Gulf-stream won't 
 unite with the ocean ; it ''^ops to itself for thousands of 
 miles, and this is a natural curiosiLy. for they are both 
 water, and even storms, tempesticai hurricanes, and 
 currents won't mingle them. Now, that's the case here 
 — the Celt and the Sassenach elements won't mix ; and 
 yet, both call themselves Christians, and both, like the 
 two streams in the Mississippi, have different colours — 
 one orange, vind one green. It fairly beats the bugs, 
 They want other currents to neutraUze them. What's 
 your ideas ? What's the reason, while we are one people 
 ill the States, the English one people, and the Scotch 
 imited also, the Irish arc two people ? As you are used 
 to expoundin', Ly, expound that, will you ? for it passes 
 me.' 
 
 ' Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator (who seemed a little 
 disconcerted at the allusion to his functions as an Elder), 
 ' let me remind you, again, that when you speak of 
 religion in the flippant and irreverent manner you liave 
 just now done, you exhibit a want of good taste and 
 good sense. It is not suitable to refer to it in a conver- 
 saiion hko the prer^ent, so I must decline to pursue the 
 toi)ic. As regards the fatal affrays, and agrarian out- 
 rages that sometimes take place here, recollect that they 
 
■WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 
 
 ^7 
 
 aro often mn,i;*nill(Ml for ])arty ]iurpns(*s ; and aa llio 
 liritisli ])nl)lic have an appctito for liorror.s, every ease; 
 is i)ara(le(l in the iiews[)ai)errt Avitli a minuteness of 
 detail tliat is ealenlated to pander to this diseased taste. 
 Tiic number of liomicidcs in Ireland falls short of Aviiat 
 oecurs in tlic United States. I am informed on the best 
 authority, tliat, on an averag-e, there occurs one a day 
 ill t!io city of New York.' ' What do you call the best 
 authoriiy ? ' asked his friend. 
 
 ' The Bishop of the ])iocese.' 
 
 'Well, I don't,' said Peabody. 'I call the police re- 
 cords the only rcUablo accounts, liccollect bisho|)S 
 nuist paint ' 
 
 ' J^i'ay, abstain from that style of conversation,' said 
 tlie Senator. ' V/hat you &.,y about our bein<^ one 
 ])eople, is true of us as a wliole, but not locally so. The 
 Frencli and tlieir des"endants, at New Orleans, as you 
 know, keep apart, and live in different sections of th(3 
 city. So they do in Canada, and other places, because 
 they are, in fact, two people, Avitli two different lan- 
 •;'U!ij^'es, and two different creeds, sympathies, and 
 customs, and one is a conquered people. They are g'radu- 
 ally becoming absorbed, because cliey are on all sides 
 surrounded by tlie Americans ; but the process of 
 absorption is not yet com})letc. 
 
 ' This is the case w'th the Irish (who are also a con- 
 quered peopde) with the exception of tlieir having less 
 tendency to amalgamation, because they are smrounded 
 — not by the English — but iy the sea. In addition to 
 this, the old penal laws and disability acts of former 
 times, which were equally unjust and impolitic, erected 
 impassable barriers bctv>reen the two races. Such dis- 
 tinctions in our country cannot long be nmintaineu, for 
 theie arc no old grievances for demagogues to agitato 
 upon. There arc no confiscated estates there l)eforo 
 their eyes to remind the descendants of the former 
 owners that tlieir patrimony is in the hands of the 
 spoiler ; no ruins to attest the ravages of the conqueror; 
 no mouldering cathedrals to recal to mind the piety aii'l 
 misfortunes of their ancient clergy; and, above all, no 
 
 J* » 
 
68 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 tillios to pay to a cliiircli wiiicli tliey disown and dislike. 
 So Ihcrc is a reason for tlic state of tliin,i;'s we sec hero, 
 tlio'.iLrli no inslirK'ation ; for it matters little whether a 
 fi^rievaiice is well fonnded or not among' the commonalty 
 of mankind so lon.i^ as they think it a g'rievance. I 
 reg-ard the ancient langniage as the greatest dinicnlty to 
 1)0 encountered here. It contains the records of all their 
 traditions. To impose yonr laws and institutions g-oes 
 but little w\ay towards changing- tlic feelings of a 
 people; indeed, it estranges as often as it concihates 
 them. Im];.osc your languag"^, and the conquest is com- 
 plete.' 
 
 ' Zactly,' said Peabody. ' It reminds mc of an Eyc- 
 talian I once knew at Utica, called Antonio, who, when 
 he had learned a little Enghsh, married a Scotcli g";dl, 
 that could oidy speak Gaelic. I used to spHt my sides a 
 larfnig" to hear tlie g-ibberish they talked ; a droll time 
 they had of it, I tell you, and their signals Avas as on in- 
 telligible as their talk. AVell, some years afterwards, 
 who should I meet but Antonio, in the market at Boston. 
 So says I, " Antonio," says I, " how do yon and your 
 Scotch wife g'et on ? " " Well," says he, " so well as avo 
 did, and more better now, except scoldy, then she talk 
 Gaelic so faster as ever, and I speak Itahan, and we no 
 understandy one 'notlier no more. Then she first ciy, 
 then laugh, and we shake hands, and talk slow, and 
 come good-natured." You are right, Ly, you must 
 larn a gall's language, or she must larn yourn, afore you 
 can make love. AVhen I was a boy at night-school, I 
 used to find larnen came easier by kissing over a book 
 than by crying over it by a long chalk.' 
 
 ' What nonsense you talk, Peabody ? * said the Senator. 
 ' It's not the fault of the Go\'ernnient now,' he continued, 
 ' though folks are ahvays ready to blaiie Government 
 for everything that goes wrong, but it's the fault of 
 circumstances. Time, railways, and t'.ic general civiliza- 
 tion of mankind are gradually making the change. The 
 Danes, the Romans, the Normans, and so on, are all 
 amalgamated in England now, and form one race — the 
 better for the mixture — who have one language, the 
 
WALKS, TALKS, ANT) CHALKS. 
 
 S\y 
 
 richer and better for tlic mixture also. Ireland has 
 hitherto been out of the Avorkl, steam has now brou^^-lifc 
 it within it, and it can't lielp feehng* the infhience of ex- 
 tended commerce and free intercourse with the people of 
 other countries. Kailwa^ys liavc completely altered the 
 character and habits of our backwoodsmen. Tliey have 
 broug-ht them to our cities, and taken our citizens to 
 them, and they arc acquainted with all that is going* on 
 in the United States and elsewhere. Steamers have 
 civilised the whole population of the Mississippi, who 
 were in fact a few years ago, what they called them- 
 selves, " half hunters, half alligator, with a cross of the 
 devil." There is now no such place in the Union as 
 Vixburg w^as twenty or thirty years ago. The Church 
 has superseded the gambling-house, and Lynchers and 
 Regulators have given place to the duly constituted 
 officers of the law. We owe to steam more than we arc 
 aware of. It has made us what we are, and, with the 
 blessing of God, will elevate and advance us still more. 
 The same process is going on in Ireland, though more 
 slowly, from the causes I have mentioned. Still the im- 
 provement is so great, that I, who have not been here 
 for ten years, hardly know the country. The famine 
 was an awful scourge, but Providence ordained that it 
 should furnish a useful lesson. It taught the people 
 that Protestants had kind hearts, and generous impulses, 
 and it promoted a better feeling between the two sects. 
 A common danger produced a common sympathy, in 
 which brotherly love can alone take root.' 
 
 * Yes,' said Peabody, * but when a common danger is 
 over, common instincts spring right up again, like grass 
 after it is mowed, and are as strong as ever. My brother 
 Jabez had an awful instance of that oust, that frightened 
 him out of a year's growth, indeed it stopped it alto- 
 gether he was so allfired skeer'd. He is six feet two, 
 now, in his shoes, and if it hadn't a been for that are 
 shock to his narvous system, I do raily think he would 
 have stood seven in his stocking feet. AVas you ever 
 in Indianny, stranger ? ' 
 
 * Yes, I have hunted buffalo there.' 
 
 hi 
 I 
 
 ■I 
 
 > .^' 
 
 ■ f 
 I' 
 
 r. '1. 
 
 ■> 
 
 jfW ♦» 
 
 ■ if 
 
 f ■' 1.1 
 
 >'b 
 
40 
 
 THE BEASOX-TIC&Et. 
 
 ' Well, tlicn, Jal)oz lived tlicrc once afore tlic flood.* 
 There was Boinelhiii.!!:^ so comical in this expression 
 that I conUl not resist han.£]i;hin,i]^ ontriglit at it. lie 
 joined in it most good-lmmouredly, and then proceeded 
 — ' Yon are welcome to your laugh, stranger ; but, by 
 gosh, if you had been there, you would have found it 
 no laughing matter, I can tell you. AVell, Jabez, 
 bought a location from Government, built a shanty on 
 it, in the upper part of that territory, and cleared some 
 two or three acres of land, close on the borders of the 
 prairie, intending to hold on for a year or two, till 
 settlements advanced up to him, and then sell out and 
 realize. lie was all alone, some miles from our brother 
 Zekc, who had squatted on those diggins some live or 
 six miles farther down, and moved his family from 
 Kentucky. Well, one night he went to sleep as usual, 
 and dreamed he was drownin' in the Mississij)pi; and 
 when he woke up he found he was near about all under 
 water, for tlui Hood had come on idl of a suddent, and he 
 had been fool enough to build on too h)w a level. lie 
 hadn't a minute to si)are, the flood was rising so fast, so 
 there was nothing for it but to cut and run quick-stick 
 while he could. So he outs at the door like wink, and, 
 as luck would have it, his old boss. Bunker, had com43 
 home, as you say, *' in a common danger, for common 
 sympathj^" lie slips the rope-halter on him in a jiffy, 
 and off, full chisel, to cross the prairie to brother Zeke's. 
 But, bless your heart, when he got to the plain it was 
 all Ivivered Avith water for miles every which way he 
 could see. The only thing discarnible was, here and 
 there, the tops of a clump of cypress trees a-stickin' 
 out, like chimbleys in a fog, and they wern't overly 
 distinct neither, for the sky was cloudy and broken. 
 Well, on, and on, and on they went, he and the old 
 boss ; and the water rose higher, and higher, and higher. 
 It was fust trot, then walk, then crawl, then wade, then 
 stumble, then stagger, then swim. Well, old Bunker 
 began to breathe so quick, and sneeze so often and so 
 short, he thought he'd just slip off his back and hold on 
 by his tail j but that was heavy work for the boss, to 
 
 tow 
 
 o-on(| 
 
 •3 
 t 
 
 y 
 
 '■": ' 
 
 1 
 
 ! 
 
 '.-^n- 
 
 M 
 
 m^ 
 
 'A 
 
\VALK3, TALKS, AKD CHALKS. 
 
 41 
 
 len 
 :er 
 so 
 on 
 to 
 
 tow liiin artcr that fasliion. lie felt sarlidod it was 
 «;'oiie goose with both of 'em, and was a-thiukiii' they 
 ]i;id better part company, and try to fish for it on llieir 
 own separate hooks, when ho 's})ied a log a-driftin' by ; 
 so he lets go of the tail and climbs on to that; and, as 
 tiie current was setting down towards Zeke's, he began 
 to feel at last as if he could hold on that way till bn^ik 
 of day, when, all at once, sometliin' got np at t'other 
 vcm\ of the log, and what should it be but a tarnation 
 ])aintcr! (panther). There was a pair of eyes, like two 
 l)alls of lire, making the water boil a'most, a-starin* 
 right straight at him, and he a-trying to look as nnieli 
 like a sea-devil as he could — both on 'cm feehng as if 
 one darn't and t'other was afraid — both guessing they 
 had trouble enough of their own w^ithout fightin' — and 
 l)oth wishing the other would make his bow and retire 
 without loss of honour on either side. At last, brotiier 
 Jubez seed a little island, as he thought, a-looming up in 
 the dark waters ; but it warn't an island — it was oidy 
 ;m Indian mound, or ground-house, as tliey call it, 
 where their dead used to be buried. The moment he 
 seed it, he slipped off the eend of the drift stic^' to swim 
 for it, when down goes t'other eend of tlio Lg, like a 
 tilt, and off shps the painter, chewallop, into the water, 
 and they swam, side by side, to the land. Well, wlioi: 
 they arrived there, what should he sec but the old boss 
 (who had got to land before him), four or five deer, two 
 buffalo bulls, a bear, a coon or two, and a possum, all 
 standin', tremblin', and shakin', but as peaceable as if 
 tliey war in the ark. When day broke, Jabez seed the 
 water was a-fallin' fast, and the mound gettin' bigger 
 and bigger, so he ups upon old boss and takes another 
 swhn, to be out of the way afore breakfast-iime came 
 on, and lots drawn which of the crew was to go for it 
 to feed the rest. Well, the current helped them, and 
 he and old Bunker soon reached Zeke's, when he and 
 his brother loaded their rifles and started off in the 
 canoe for the island, or mound. The painter was 
 helpin' himself to the coon when they arrived, and the 
 two bulls were standin' sentry over the bear, who waa 
 
 I 
 
 .# 
 
42 
 
 tUE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 grinnin* liornl)lo at 'em. The common danger was over, 
 you see, and the common instincts broke loose an:ain. 
 Jaboz liad no pity for liis lialf-drownctl companions 
 neither, and pinked the deer as if ho had never seen 
 tliem before. 
 
 ' Tliat Avas pretty much the case, I guess, here, too, 
 arter tlie famine was over. Both were oncommon 
 peaceable during the plague — orange and green were 
 turned wrong side out for the time ; but, you see, they 
 wear them now as tliey used to did, and the colours are 
 as flaunting and fresh as ever.' 
 
 * That's a very good story,' said the Senator, * and it 
 is a very true one, for I knew your brother well, and 
 have often heard him tell it ; but it does not apply. If 
 men were of different species, instoad of different races 
 or tribes, or were beasts of prej^, the analogy would 
 hold good; but the comparison is both unjust and 
 degrading. The circumstances to Avhich I have alluded 
 have kept the two races apart ; but there are other and 
 no less powerful influences now in operation of an 
 opposite tendency that cannot fail to produce the most 
 beneficial results. In addition to those I have already 
 enumerated, I may mention that emigration has relieved 
 the country of a superabundant population that pressed 
 heavily upon its resources, and by the withdrawal of so 
 much unemployed labour, has ameliorated the condition 
 of those that are left. There is now sufficient occupa- 
 tion for all, and increased wages have both stimulated 
 and rewarded the industry of the poor. The Incum- 
 bered Estates Court has worked wonders for the 
 advancement of agriculture, by opening to cultivation 
 lands that were closed to improvement by absentee 
 landlords and bankrupt proprietors; while railways 
 have afforded access to markets, furnished profitable 
 fields for the investment of capital, and facilities for 
 intercourse among tlie peo])le, without which there can 
 be no interchange of opinions and no enlargement of 
 ideas. Thirty years ago, a journey from the west coast 
 of Ireland to London occupied, under the most favour- 
 able circumstances, as much time as a mail packet of the 
 
•WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 
 
 43 
 
 prosont (lay docs in crossing' tlic Atlantic. Now a liiui 
 of stcaincrs is established at Oalway to compete Avitli 
 tlie (.'tniard vessels at Liverpool for London passengers 
 to tlie States. This one fact alone contiuiis more 
 information, and snggests more relieetion, than all tlui 
 statistical tables of tlio Boards of Agricnltnre and Tnidc 
 combined. It shows that Ireland is commercially, 
 geogra}>hically, and politically in the right place, and 
 lias the right men to stimulate and direct its energies in 
 the right direction.' 
 
 *Ly, you talk like a book," said Peabody. * That's a 
 fact. I can't state a thing as clear as you can, but 
 1 can tell when you state it ?*ight, and when you don't, 
 ^[any a judge would decide wrong if a case wern't well 
 argued ; and that's about the only use a lawyer is. 
 I am glad to hear you say Pat is improving, for ho is a 
 light-hearted, whole-souled critter, and full of fun. 
 They are droll fellows. Lord! I have often larfed at 
 the way an Irish helj) we had at Barnstable once fished 
 me for a glass of whisky. One morning he says to me: 
 " Oh, your honour," says he, " I had great dramo last, 
 night entirely — I draiued I was in Home, tho' how 1 got 
 there is more than I can tell; but there I was, sure 
 enough, and as in duty bound, what does I do but go 
 and sec the Pope. ^V'ell, it was a long journey, and 
 it was late when I got there — too late for the likes of 
 me ; and when I got to the palace I saw priests, and 
 bishops, and cardinals, and all the great dignitaries of 
 the Church a coming out, and says one of tlieni to me, 
 ' How are you, Pat INEoloney,' said he, *' and that 
 spalpeen your father, bad luck to him, how is ho?' It 
 startled me to hear my own name so suddcnt, that it 
 came mighty nigh waldng me ii]"), it did. fc'ais I, ' Your 
 reverence, how in the world did you know that Pat 
 Moloney was my name, let alone that of my father?* 
 ' Why, you blackguard,' says he, ' I knew you since 
 you was knee high to a goose, and I knew your mother 
 afore you was born." ' It's good riglit your honour 
 has th<'n to know me,' sais I, ' let alone my father.' 
 * Bad manners to you,' says lie * sure this is no place to 
 
 
 
 ** 
 
u 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKHT, 
 
 bo jokiiici; III at all at all ; what is it yon aro nflcr diMiij^ 
 liLTc at lliis liiiK! o' iii^'iit Z' 'To sec his lloiiiicsiri the; 
 Po|)o,' sais J. 'That's ri^^'ht,' says ho, '))ass on, but 
 hs'ivo yonr imjmdcnco with yonr hat and slioca at Wui 
 door.' Woll, 1 was shown into a mighty line room 
 wMiorc liis Ilolinoss was, and down I went on my knees. 
 ' Jiisc np, Pat INloloney,' sais liis Ifoliness, 'yon an.' a 
 broth of a ])oy to como all the way from Ireland to do 
 yonr duty to mo; and it's dutiful ehildren ye are, every 
 mother's son of ye. What will ye have to drink, Pat /' 
 (The greater a man is, the more of a rael gintleman he 
 is, your honour, and tiie more condescending) — 'What 
 will you have to drink. Pa'. V ' A glass of whisky, 
 your Jloliness,' sais I, 'if it's all the same to vou.* 
 * Shall it be hot or cold?' sais he. 'Ib)t,' sais I, ' if it's 
 all the same and gives no trouble.' ' Hot it f/!i;dl be,' 
 sais he, ' but as I ha\e dismissed all my servants for the 
 night, Pll just step down below for the tay-kettle,' and 
 Avid tliat he left the room and was gone for a long time, 
 and just as lie came to the door again, he knocked so 
 l(jnd tlie noise woke me nj), and, by Ja[)ers ! I missed 
 my whisky, entirely, liedad, if 1 had only had the 
 sense to say, ' Nate, yonr Holiness,' Pd had my whisky, 
 sure enough, and never known it warn't all true, instead 
 of a drame." I knew wdiat he wanted, so I poured Lini 
 out a glass. 
 
 * " AV^on't it do as wtII now, Pat?" says I. 
 
 '"Indeed it will, your honour," says ho, and my 
 drame w^ill como true after all ; I thought it w^ould, for 
 it was mighty nateral at the time, all but the wdiisky." 
 
 ' Droll boys— ain't they?' 
 
 * Well,' said the Senator, ' there is something very 
 peculiar in Irish humour — it is uidikc that of any other 
 people under the sun. At times it is very pointed ; at 
 others it is irresistibly droll, from a certain incongruity 
 or confusion of ideas. I am not sure, however, wliether 
 a good deal of it is not traditional. I am not very fond 
 or telling stories myself; for though you may know 
 them to be onqinal, still they may not be new. I am 
 satisiied the same thing has often been said in different 
 
 aw 
 by 
 
 r.'l; 
 
 Iha 
 
 b('f( 
 
 of 
 
 ■\v;u 
 
 oth 
 
 his 
 kne 
 No 
 En< 
 
WALK?, TALK?, AND CU • 
 
 45 
 
 apcop, and by l)Ooplo in diffcrciit coniitrios, .vlio wfre not 
 uwaro a similar idea liad ocrurrod to, and bocMi expressed 
 l)y otliers. 1 liave lieaid rej)artees and smart Hayin,i;'S 
 related liere, as liavini;' been uttered by well-known wits, 
 liiat I bave myself beard in America, and often lon^u,' 
 before tbey were perix'tnited bere. If you relate a story 
 of tliat kind, you arc; met by tbe observation, "Oli, tbat 
 was said by Sidney Smith, or Tlicodorc Hook, or somo 
 other wit of the day." 
 
 ' For instance, there is the story of the man, who, on 
 bis death-bed, recommended his son to be honest, as he 
 knew it was the best policy, havini/ tried both courses. 
 Now, it is certain that lias been told in Scotland, in 
 Kng'land, America, and S[)ain. To n.'tail it j2,"ives you tlie 
 reputation of being- too familiar with Joe ISliller. 
 
 'Discoveries are of the same kind: many men gain 
 credit for what was known ag-es a^^o. Harvey has the 
 credit of being* the lirst who discovered the circulation 
 of tlie blood, and his remains are at present soug-ht out, 
 for the pur))ose of erectiuf^ a monument to liis memory. 
 ikit that it was known to the ancients is very certain. 
 Long'inus' 
 
 ' 1 knew him,' said Peabody. * I was present at bis 
 trial, and saw him hang-ed at New Orleans — I did upon 
 my soul. He was a nig-ger, and one of the most noted 
 l)irates on the coast of Cuby. He made more blood cir- 
 culate I guess, than any man I ever heard tell of ; he 
 was of opinion dead men tell no tales, so he always 
 nuirdered the crew of every vessel he captured ; he cut 
 the throats of all his prisoners, and then threw their 
 bodies overboard. I shall never forg-et a rise I took 
 out of Mrs. Beecher Stowe about Longinus. I met her 
 once at New York, just before she came over here, to 
 make fools of whimpering gals and spoouey Lords about 
 Uncle Tom. Just as if such things could be true ! Why, 
 stranger, does it stand to reason, and convene to com- 
 mon sense, now, if a real good workin' nigger, and a 
 trusty one too, is worth a thousand dollars, his master 
 would be such a born fool and natural idiot as to go and 
 flog him to death, and lose both him and his money, any 
 
 .' 
 
 I I 
 
 k i 
 
 
 
 
46 
 
 THE SKA60N-TICKET. 
 
 more tha*; ho would ill-uso a snpor-Piiporior horse I 
 AV^hy it has impoK.sil)iniy Ktampod on tlie faco of it, 
 as plain as lun* lioyal JIi;j,hness tlic Qucon's head is 
 Btampcd on a iNVcnty-shiilin^* ])ioco tliat they cidl i\ 
 BON'orei^n. I luitc Huclicanl — 1 hato Ihoni that talk such 
 ri<^'niai'<)l('S, and I despise; tho fools tluit believe them 
 and turn u[) tlx; whiles of their eyes, like dyinp;" ealves, 
 and Bay : '* Oh, how horrid ! how shoekinp;' ! what a pily 
 it is such a hitter thin<;' as slavery should bear such 
 Bweet fruit as su<^'ar," and then call for another luni]) to 
 ])ut in their tea, to show their sincerity. It makes my 
 (lander rise, 1 tell you. Well, Aunt Stowe was collecting- 
 horrors, like ]\[a(lame Tussaud, when I met her. So, 
 thinks I, if I don't stuff you like a jLVoose, it's a jnty; 
 and ril season it with inions, and jx'pper, and sag'e, and 
 wiiat not, till it has tho right llavour. Here f^'oes, says 
 1 to myself, for fetters, handcuffs, chains, whips, polly- 
 wog" water for driidc, and stinkin' dried lish for food- 
 enough, if put under glass cases, to decorate the chim- 
 bley-i)iecc of Ikixton, Shaftesbury, and Sutherland, and 
 fill 'Exeter Hall, too. 
 
 ' " I hope," said she, " you are an Abolitionist, Mr. 
 Peabody, as I said to the Duchess." 
 
 ' " To the backbone," sais I ; " it's the great Eastern 
 ticket now for the Presidential Chair. New England 
 never had but two Presidents, and them were tho two 
 Adams, father and son. The younger one, Quincey, first 
 started tho 'Mancipation Ticket, to go ahead against tho 
 Southerners. One of his eyes was weak, and if ho 
 touched it, it was hke starting a spring in digging a 
 well, out gushed tho tears in a stream ! Whenever ho 
 talked of niggers at public meetings, he'd rub his right 
 eye with his noscwiper, and it would weep by the hour ! 
 People used to say, ' AVhat a dear man ! what a feeling 
 man that is ! what a l:ind, soft heart he has,' while ho 
 thought hoiv soft their horns ivas ! lie acted it beautiful, 
 but it takes time to work up a ticket with us, you know. 
 Charles Somner matured it, though he got an awful 
 cow^iiding in Congress for coming it too strong ; but 
 you will ijut the cap sheaf on it, sec if you don't. Arter 
 
 your 
 
WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 
 
 47 
 
 yonr Look railed *Tho Key to Undo Tom* ia out, wo 
 eliall bo ablo to carry a PrcHidout from the Kustorn 
 Htatos, that'B a fact." 
 
 ' " Oh, ]\Ir. Poahody," slio said, "oil, iie ! now, don't 
 your heart bleed {ixa tho Uucheaa said to mo) for tho 
 poor ni,<,^gers?" 
 
 " * No, marm," sais T, " I am happy to say it don't. 
 Bleedhi<;' at tlu; lnn<^s is bad enon<^-h ; it's like ^-oin' up- 
 stream with a hi^"li pressure boiler : you don't know tho 
 minute it will burst and blow you into d(^ad man's laiul. 
 Ijut bleculin' at the heart, uiarm, is sudden death any 
 which -way you lix it." 
 
 *" Oh, dear," she said, " ^Ir. Peabody, what n, dr(tU 
 man you be ; but our peo})le down east arc so clever, as 
 tho Duchess obser\'e(l to me, ain't they V You, feel for 
 them, as tho Countess of Bon Nevis told mo she did, 
 don't you ?" 
 
 * " Countess of Ben Nevis," said I ; " only thiidc of a 
 lord being called Ben? like Ben Franklin, tiio printer! 
 But I suppose there are vulgar lords as well as vulgar 
 Yankees?" 
 
 ' " Pooh !" she said ; " Ben Nevis is tho name of a 
 Scotch mountain ; I am sure you know that, and tho 
 title is taken from that classical spot." 
 
 ' " Well then," sais I, " Joe Davis' County, in Illinoi, 
 which I used to think a disgrace to our great national 
 map, is not so bad arter all, for it's classical. Oh, 
 Lord ! oh, Lord ! just fancy the Countess of Joo Davis, 
 sais I ; and I almost rolled off the chair a larfing, for I 
 hato folks bragging everlasthigly of nobility, that only 
 invito 'cm to have something to talk of, and that look at 
 them through the big eend of an opera-glass, to make 
 'em seem smaller than they be. Who tho Duchess was 
 she quoted so often, to astonish my weak nerves, I don't 
 know, and don't care, for I 'sposo I shouldn't be one 
 mite or morsel tho wiser if I did hear her name. But 
 one thing / do know^, and that is, all the nobility don't 
 think like her, for there was a top-sawyer one lately had 
 up for throwing' sticks at Aunt Sally, who Avas [i nigger 
 as black as the ace of spades or the devil's hmd leg. 
 
 
 ■If 
 
 J*l*« 
 
 
48 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 The magistrate said Aunt Harriet and Aunt Sally were 
 l)oth American ladies, and bosoin friends, and any insult 
 niif^'ht provoke^ a war witli the States. " Still," said 
 Aunty, drawin' herself up a bit, as if the joke stung* a 
 tender spot, '* still, Mr. Peabody, you feel for the poor 
 negro, don't you?" "Well," sais I, "marm, to be 
 -serious, between you and me- I must say, though it's 
 only in conlidence " (and I looked round as if I was 
 anxious no one should hear me), " I am not altogether 
 certilied I do feel for people that arc miable to feel for 
 themselves." " Do you think, sir," said she, still perckin' 
 up, as proud as a hen wdtli one chick," do you suppose, 
 sir, a negro, wdien tied up and flogged, don't feel as 
 acutely as we should ? Do you deny he has the same 
 flesh and blood as we have ? or that he is as sensi^jVe to 
 the torture of the lash as we should be?" "AVell, 
 marm," sais I, looking very grave and very wise (for 
 all fellers that say little, and look solemn, arc set down 
 in a general way, as wnse), "as to the same flesh and 
 blood, I won't say, though I should doubt it, for they 
 tell me sharks (and they ain't overly nice in their tastes), 
 wdien a boat is upset, always prefer whites, not lildng 
 the flavour of blacks ; so I w^on't dispute that point with 
 you; but this I will maintain, they hain't the same 
 colour, nor the same feelings wc have." "Of course 
 they liain't the same colour, but 'nimium no cread 
 collary,'' " (though what tluit means wlien the husk is 
 took olT and the nut cracked I don't know), "how do 
 you make out that they have not the same feelhigs wo 
 have?" "Why," sais 1, "you have heerd tell of 
 jjonginus, haven't you?" " In course I have," sais she, 
 " he was a great man in the court of Zenobia." "He 
 was a great man, and a great villain," sais I, "and no 
 mi;r^,lake, for he was tlu; wickedest, liercest, most cruel 
 ])irate ever seen. lie wasn't tried hi the court at 
 Zenobia, for that's an inland town of Texas, but at New 
 Oi'leans. I was present at the triid, and saw him hanged, 
 and the way the crowd yelled w^as a caution to sinners. 
 If tlif^y had had their way they wT)uld have thought 
 hanging too good for hun, I can tell you, for once a 
 
 nigg 
 a til 
 Jed 1 1 
 the 1 
 to ta 
 liine, 
 (if it. 
 bilitv 
 
 tcir 
 
 1 ha\ 
 vou 
 it is 
 
 f-;ol"t 
 liltle 
 it's t^ 
 
"NVALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 
 
 40 
 
 iiig-.c-'cr gets the taste of Llood, lie is more like a wolf or 
 a tiger than a Irainau being. AVell, there was oiio 
 Jcdiitliaii Flag, a Coinieetieut pedlar, there, wlio bought 
 the l)0(iy of the sluniff on spekekitiou, and hired a doctor 
 to take liis hide off, and he dressed it witli alum and 
 lime, cut it up into narrow pieces, and made razor strops 
 of it." •"' Pray Avliat has tlie dead negro to do with sensi- 
 bihty and pain?" said slie. "Well, I was a-going to 
 tell you," sais I; "I bought one of the strops, and 
 1 have got it now. I gave lifty dollars for it. Would 
 vou believe it, tlie leather is near half-an-inch thick. 
 It is like pig-skin, that they use to cover saddles with, 
 f-;oft and pliiible, and oily too, just like that, and has 
 little wee holes in it, like as if a needle had made them; 
 it's the grandest strop I ever had in my life. Now, if a 
 nigger's hide is as thick as that, how in the natur' of 
 things can ho feel a whip? Why, it don't stand to 
 reason and the natur' of leather that they can any more 
 than a 77/aioceros." "Mr. Peabody," said she, "is that 
 a. fact.'" "Tiuc as any story you have got in your 
 book," says I, "and that's noticeable, I assure you." 
 " Well, I never heard anything so horrible," sais she. 
 " Oh, ]\[r. Peabod}', how slavery hardens the heart, how 
 del)asing, how demoralizing it is ! What will become of 
 our great nation, when we not only buy and sell negroes, 
 but make a traflic of their skins ! I like an authentic 
 story. I am delighted to l)e able to publish this horror- 
 ing tale to the world. What a s(»nsation it will create ! 
 ,May I make use of your ntune?" "Certainly," sais I, 
 '• say Amos Peabody told you, and refer them to me for 
 f lu'tlier particulars." I left her making a memorandum ; 
 and what 1 told her PU swear to, and that is, that it is 
 as true as any story she has in her novel. 
 
 ' The ic^ct is, stranger, slavery is a cusocd thing, and 
 there is no two ways about it. It is a black page in our 
 history ; but how to tear it out without loosemng all the 
 olher sheets is tlie great diiliculty we have to encounter. 
 AVe all dej^lore it with grief and mortification. But what 
 in the world is the use of a woman a racing all over the 
 world lilvc a ravin' distracted bcd-bu<j', a screeching and 
 
 E 
 
 .-:■ 
 
 
 
 tr: 
 
 « - 
 
50 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 screaming' ntit as loud as if {;iic was wliipj -cA herself ? Tl 
 aitCt them that ijc.U t/ic loudest tl'ut fed the most. I had 
 almost forgot the story of Loiigi:iiis, till you mentioned 
 his name, Ly.' 
 
 'You arc a strange fellow,' said the Senator; 'the 
 moment yon hear jjeople tidking* seriously, 3^011 inmie- 
 diately turn the conversation to some nonsense or 
 another, that has no connexion Avith it. As I was a 
 saying", sir,' he contiiuied, 'when our friend here inter* 
 rupted me, even many modern discoveries, although 
 original, arc not new, and were well known to the 
 ancients. The circulation of the blood is one; it is 
 clear, from a line quoted by Longinus from an ancient 
 l)oet, that the circulation of the blood was then a well- 
 established fact. I cannot repeat the line, Tor my Greek 
 is rusty, and Ave have not the book here ; but refer to it 
 Avhen you arc at leisure, and you will be convijiced I am 
 correct. But hi humour also, as I liavc already said, 
 the coincidence is very striking-. AVithout nndervaluing 
 Irisli humour, I am inclined to think something is to bo 
 attributed to traditional fun, and something to a people 
 whose perceptions arc quick, whoso characteristic is 
 cunning", and whose habits of thought arc so nnich alike. 
 That cunnhig has nuich to do Avith it is quite clear 
 from the fact that the lower orders are A^ery much more 
 ready and droll than the npper classes. It is also 
 remarkable that they are far more humourous at home 
 than in America, Avhich perhaps is also in part attribu- 
 table to the circumstance of their being more industrious 
 there, and in consequence more matter-of-fact. Their 
 whole character becomes changed there. Here they 
 are idle, there tliey are the best labourers avc have, more 
 
 {■(erscvering and enduring than the English, and more 
 lonest in their Avork than the Scotcli. The Americans 
 form the mass, and they arc compelled, by the force of 
 circumstances, to mingle Avith them ; Iiere they form the 
 mass, and every inducement is held out to them to 
 prevent others from mixing Avith them. I do not blame 
 their clergy for encouraging them to remahi a separate 
 people, bccaubc I believe they sincerely think it the 
 
 In 
 
of 
 the 
 
 to 
 Line 
 ate 
 the 
 
 
 WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 
 
 5t 
 
 Bafcst way to keep them from tlie contamination of 
 heresy. It is but common justice to them to attribute 
 this to an honest, though mistaken, conviction. But what 
 do you say to your English patriots, who, being aware 
 of the predisposition of the people, encourage them in it, 
 for the purpose of securing their votes, who set tenants 
 against their landlords, Catiiolics against Protestants, and 
 the whole jiopulation against tlie Government! who 
 create grievances for the purpose of being chosen to 
 redress them, and use the power conferred by their con- 
 fidence for their own advancement. " Bunkum," as wo 
 call it, or political humbug, as you term it, though the 
 same thing has a very dilTerent effect here from what it 
 has in America. No man is deceived bv it there ; it is 
 used by every party, and understood by all. It is incense 
 offered to the majesty of the multitude, who very justly 
 suspect every public man, and disregard their reasoning', 
 l)ut who couipel them to bow down and worship them, 
 and at last choose that side that best suits their interest. 
 In the United States, there is no principle involved in 
 l)art3'' struggles, because all men are equal and have 
 similar rights. It is men, not measures. Here there is 
 a most important one at stake, and that is the preserva- 
 tion of the monarchical element in a mixed constitutional 
 government, Avliere, from the various orders of social and 
 jiolitical structures, men are not equal. There, deception, 
 bad as it essentially and morally is, works no serious 
 injury, for it merely substitutes one party for another; 
 and it is of little consequence to the country which pre- 
 dominates. Here it is of vital importance, for if dema- 
 gogues succeed, the balance of the constitution is iu 
 danger, and a democracy may supersede the monarchy. 
 That noblemen, Mid gentlemen of property and station, 
 can lend themselves to such a fraudulent system of poli- 
 tics, and condescend to play such a dangerous game, is to 
 me wholly unaccountable. I can undcM'stand the con- 
 <luct of a nittn like Bright. He is desirous, as we say, 
 to come out of the cvowd. He has no position m the 
 country, and is anxious to make one. A social one, ha 
 knows, is impossible ; a political one is withhi bis grasp^ 
 
 E 2 
 
 
 V 
 
 '1 
 
 . t 
 
 
52 
 
 THE SE.N'^OX-TICKET. 
 
 ospociiilly aa lie lias the manufacturers Avitli Liiii, and 
 is idontiiicd with their money and masses. Though 
 deficient in constitutional knowledge, he is a very g-ood 
 declaimcr. His business is to demolish, and a strong 
 though unskilful workman is equal to that sort of work. 
 I can imderstand liim. He is not a dangerous, though 
 a mischievous man. lie is better suited for Congress 
 than your Parliament. But there is one lesson he would 
 learn there that might be of use to him, and that is, that 
 although a Quaker, and not expected t(^ fight, he would 
 be held accountable for his words, and find his broad- 
 brimmed hat no protection for intemperate language. 
 Your dangerous man is your titled radical representa- 
 tive of an, Irish constituency. There never was a peoi)lc 
 so cajoled, fooled, deceived, and betrayed, as the Irish. 
 It is time they turned tiieir attention to the material, 
 and not the political condition of their country ; and 
 everything I see induces me to augur well of their 
 future.' 
 
 'Oh, it does, does it?' said Teabody. 'AVell, I'd 
 rather see it than hear tell of it by a long chalk. I 
 wish they'd hire me to write their history since Crom- 
 well's time ; for I'd make my forten by it. If 1 had th(^ 
 contract, I'd do it in three lines. Their lords lived 
 abroad and screwed their agents; the agents screwed 
 the tenants ; the tenants screwed the poor, and all 
 combined to screw the Government. The gentry lived 
 in houses they didn't repau', on farms they didn't culti- 
 %-ate, and estates they couldn't transfer. TIk^ trader 
 didn't import, fur he wasn't i)aid for what he sold. 'J'he 
 laboiu'er didn't work, for he didn't earn his grul) at it. 
 The lord blamed the disturbed state of the conntrv for 
 not living in it; the agent blamed him for high rents 
 :^nd absenteeism ; the farmer blamed both for extor- 
 tioners, and the peasantry cussed the whole biling of 
 xiiem; while lawyers, like fiies, swarmed where there 
 was corruption, and increased the taint they fed on. 
 When the patient is in a bad way, there is always a 
 quack Avho has a nostrum ; and ])olitical quacks rose up 
 by the score, who had each an infallible remedy. Ono 
 
 -— i^ W 
 
WALKS, TALTC5», AXD CITALKS. 
 
 53 
 
 it. 
 
 '« 
 
 J 
 
 up 
 
 IIQ 
 
 triod ropoal of flic mi ion ; anotlicr, ton{int-np:ht ; and 
 a third, ivlx'llioii. I'arliaiiioiit trird its haiul at it, 
 and spent millions in jcjbs. But 1 agree with yon, tho 
 Incumbered Estates Act, steam, and (what you havo 
 forgotten to mention) temperance, have effected, and 
 will work Avonders; and it's their own fault now, if tho 
 ]rish d(jn't g'o ahead. Cardinal Wiseman missed aligure 
 v.- hen ho was here, I tell you. lie mig'ht have saved 
 this country, if he'd have taken the right course, and 
 know'd as mucii of representatives, Ly, as you and I 
 do. lie may be a Cardinal, but hang* me if he's a wise 
 man. I Avisli I had his chance and his power, I'd a said, 
 " Pat, my boy, if anybody g'oes for to talk polities to 
 you, u}) list, and knock him down, and I'll absolve you 
 on the principle of self-defence. Patriots, as they call 
 themselves arc no friends of yours, or old Ireland (hither. 
 They have honey on their lips, but pyson in their tongues. 
 AVhat is it to you whether Tory, or Whig-, or Iladical is 
 uppermost, any more than whether demcjcrats or repub- 
 licans are ins or Tats in the States? The object of law 
 is to protect lifo and property ; and so long- as it does 
 that, and don't interfere with your liberty and religion, 
 that's all tho call you have to it. Mind your owu busi- 
 ness, and live in charity with your neig-hbours, Po 
 sober, industrious, and peaceable. Respect yourselves, 
 and others will respect you ; hut eschew jwlitics as yoit 
 u'oiild the devil. It is better to be a free ag'cnt than a 
 tool at any time. Obey tlu; law, but never look to 
 Covernment for patronage. Th(>y will feed you on pro- 
 mises till you are unfit for anything-, and then give you 
 something' not worth having-. They are like torpedoes, 
 they paralyse everybody they touch. Avoid secnit 
 societies, work dihg-ently, be honest audg-rateful to your 
 emplo3^ers, and God will prosper you in tdl your under- 
 taking's. But if you choose to serve the Devil, do so ; 
 ho is a good pa^miaster, and rewards his servants. The 
 wufjcs of sill is death, and if yeui earn it, I hope you wil/ 
 get it." "Now, Ly, if that ain't poetry, it's truth ; and 
 if it ain't Irish, it's ])laiu KngUsh. It's the rael tickets 
 and no mistake. What the plag'uc is the tjcusc of 
 
 »" 
 
 
 
 ? t 
 
 •4* • 
 
 
54 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKKT. 
 
 liarpin,i>* for ever on old griovancos — it's tlio timotlic Old 
 Cow died of. They arc like .s]ti!t millc, and wo all know 
 it's no iiso to cry over that. Jf the Cardinal would .^o 
 in up to the handle for that, he'd do more <>'ood than (dl 
 the patriots, huii<;' or unhung", ever did or will do for 
 In^land, from July to etarnity.' 
 
 'W^cU done, Teabody,' said the Senator. *I never 
 licard you utter so much sense before ; it's a pity you 
 would not always talk that way.' 
 
 ' W^ell, I don't think so, saidPeabody ; 'there is a time 
 for fdl things in nalur'. When sense is trumps, why I 
 can l(?ad oil" with an ace. if I like, for I am not the fool 
 you take mc to be ; but when fun is the word, well tlien 
 I'm ready to cut in and take a hand. Laughing- wasn't 
 given us for notliin', or wo shouldn't have been made so 
 overlastin' ticklish as we arc. Courtin' v/ould be stupid 
 work if it wasn't for romping*. But here is the post- 
 man. Now, do you look solemncholy, Ly, and im- 
 portant, and say you ha^c got a despatch from the 
 President of the United States. It sounds well aforo 
 the waiters ; and I'll see if there is ere a letter from my 
 sister Deliverance, for she alwaj's writes me a long one, 
 under pretence of giving me news from hum, and eends 
 with a postscript containing a commission for mc to send 
 her something worth a hundred dollars.' 
 
 In the package of letters, I found one from my friend 
 Cary, announcing the completion of his business, and 
 requesting my immediate return to Cork. I was there- 
 fore obliged to take leave of my companions, and set 
 out at once on my journey. They expressed great 
 regret at not being able to accompany me, in conse- 
 quence of expecting a party of friends from New York 
 to arrive iho next day ; but they assured me that they 
 would not fail to renew their acquaintance with mc ou 
 Bome future occasion at Southampton. 
 
 The bell rang, the guard blew a slu'ill blast from his 
 whistle, the train started, and hi a few minutes Killaruey 
 faded in the distance. 
 
jio;.ii>wArvP cou^'P, 
 
 5& 
 
 C'-O 
 
 No. III. 
 
 IIOIMICWAUD liOUXD. 
 
 The facotunis driver of tlio car, ^vlio called the main 
 road to Killarney the ' rael way/ conducted us thither 
 tliroug'h Macrooin, Incliig'eelag'h, and Goug-ane Barra. I 
 returned by tlic railway to Cork, not merely to savo 
 time, but to vary the scene. It is not my intention to 
 describe the country tlirough which we jjassed. iMeii 
 and thing's arc my to])ics ; but I cannot help mcntionirif^ 
 a })eculiar feature of Irish scenery that has never failed 
 to attract my admiration as constituting' its extraordinary 
 beauty. I allude to the number and extent of its rivers 
 and lakes. Few countries of its size in the world are so 
 well watered as Ireland, and the deep verdure of the 
 landscape is at once relieved and heightened by the 
 silvery light of its innumerable streams. 
 
 The Emerald Isle is an appellation more htcral than 
 poetical, and founded on fact rather than fiction. It is 
 no wonder that the Irish have an enthusiastic admiration 
 of their country ; but there are other causes besides its 
 beauty and fertility that attach them to it, whicli makes 
 their nationality a veiy different: thing* from that of 
 either the Scotch, the English, or the French. It is a far 
 deeper and stronger, as well as a more lasting feeling. 
 It embraces not merely their country, but their race and 
 their religion. A Scotchman is clannish, proud of the 
 achievements of his ancestors, and fond of his native 
 hind. 15ut he is fonder of money and distinction than of 
 either. He emigrates with more of hope than regret, and 
 fully reUes ou his industry and economy to enable him to 
 
 1 "• .« 
 
 
 
 m 
 
 4' ' I* 
 
 .1? 
 
 ' Hi] 
 
 i"! 
 
50 
 
 TIIK SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 found a now lionio in a now worM ; lie anticipatos ro- 
 visitin^ his kindred at soino future day — a dosi;^^! in 
 wliicli oKtcnlatious success is often niiji^i.vl<-'d witli alTec- 
 tion. A })r(){)li(.'t, liowever, has no lionour in his own 
 country, and ho is wilhn^ to cxchanj^'o liis for another, 
 where the obscurity ol' liis ori<^'in niay l)e iiidden luidcn' a 
 name that will i)ass witlKJiit seruliiiy as remotely eoii- 
 nectcd with some illustrious family. The Duke of Ar<^'yll 
 lias more distant relatives than he is awan3 of, both in 
 America and .Australia, and the house of J>uccleug*h can 
 never be extinct while there are so many i»resiuni)1ive 
 heirs, in pm-tiljiis e.cten',^. Where the region ol" Fable 
 ends that of Truth b(\i;-ins, and the Elliots and Dundases 
 are nn pn^tenders. Their name is Legion, and their 
 pedigree is acknowledged ii. every brai'ch of every 
 pubKc department in tiie empire. 
 
 lie who leav<^s Scotland seldom returns. The inclina- 
 tion may exist, but an oj)portunity for its indulgence 
 rarely occurs. An Englishman goes abroad because he is 
 fond of adventure ; he thiidvs he has a right to a living 
 somewhere, and is not parti'nilar as to the locality' in whicli 
 it is to be sought. AVlierever he is he grumbles, not be- 
 cause he is disappointed, but because it is natural to him 
 to iind fault. Jle is dissauslied at hom(\ and is never 
 contented anywhere else. Nothing })leascs him in his 
 own co'.ntry^ and when abroad he abuses every ])laee 
 but England; he has neither the civility of an Irishman 
 nor the servility of a Sc(»tehman — tlu; industry of the 
 one nor the acuteness of thci other, while economy is a 
 word he could never comprehend. The (•()nsequene(i is, 
 he is not so popular or so successful as either. A French- 
 man is never happy out of Fraiice; not that he is so 
 attached to it or its institutions, or that colonial life does 
 not afford an easier subsistence ana gr(;ater faciUty for 
 accumulating a fortune, but because he uiisses the cafe, 
 the theatre, the guinguetle, the ,s}>ectacles, and the 
 cheap and frivolous anuisements, without which exist- 
 ence appears to him to be intolerable^ If iie migratc^s to 
 a cold country, it iiccessarily involves continuous in- 
 dustry, whicli is as fcieig'). to his habits as hit: iiic'ina- 
 
 tfoH 
 
 (loni 
 
 renl 
 
 per 
 
 lie II 
 
 oIIkI 
 
 audi 
 
 wor| 
 
 ])rini 
 
 wild 
 
nOMEWARD BOUND. 
 
 57 
 
 \l(m; if t<> a trr>))icf\l climato it rompcl^? l.iin to bo, 
 rtoiiR'stic, and maUcs liis liousc a jirison, "\vlu'n» if lie' 
 remains lie dies of (lunii, and if lie cffcets his esea|)e ho 
 
 lerishcs from fever, lie must lallc, sin.L;-, dance, or di(^ ; 
 
 le lias a tradition, wliicJi lie fully believes, tlu^t every 
 other country but his own is inhabited by barbarians, 
 and that Frenelunen are the only g'entlemen in tho 
 world; and although ho has neither the manners nor tho 
 juineiples of one, he takes it for <i,'ranted he must evcny- 
 wliere be received as such, lie likes France, llurefore, 
 not so much for itself as that it is inhabited by those; 
 whose tastes arc similar to his own, and who arc the 
 only people who know how to live. He is a philosopher; 
 he isuot ambitious of wealth, bu^ of enjoying- lii'e. lie — 
 
 * Wants but little here belo\\', 
 Nor Avuuts that little long.* 
 
 And, tlierefore, his ,i;'reat study is to make the most of 
 that modicum. No colony of Frenchmen has ever suc- 
 ceeded. 
 
 JV)or Pat leaves his country l)ecause poverty compels 
 him to do so. IJe is attached to th(; soil on which he 
 lives, and that scantily supported his forefathers. Its 
 le;;-ends and traditions ap[)eal to his heart, lie is attached 
 to his countrymen, with whom he has so many symjia- 
 Ihies, a common lan,^nia,i^e, a common poverty, and a 
 coiMfrion reli<;'ion ; and althou<4'h h(^ has been tau,L|,'lit from 
 his itirtli to believe that he is a bondsman, he is ever 
 wil!in,L^ to exchan;i*e the freedom of a rei)ul>lic for the 
 imaLi'inary chain <>{ a slave at home. America dis- 
 appoints him ; he is surprised to find that lu; must work 
 for his livin<^' even there, and that })riesls who delied tho 
 law in Ireland are compeUed to be circumsi)ect by a 
 ]iji,L;her power than law — the force of j)ublic o[)inion. He 
 could be^ in peace and in ra,ii'S at liomc, but amouj^- the 
 flee, enlightened, and most liberal Y'ankees a beggar 
 is treated as a vngrant, while rags are ridiculed as an 
 c-mblem of idleness, and not j/itied as an evidence of 
 want. To work or to starve, is the inexorable law of 
 /epublicauisni. His religion is csaentially aristocrati.':, 
 
 A. 
 
 'I 
 
 .*. Kl 
 
58 
 
 THE SKARON-VTCKirr. 
 
 niul IIkm'o is iiotliin'j' rono^ojii;,! i(\ \\ \n (Ic^mooracy that 
 rt'diiccs ii pi'icst 1") the coiiiiiKMi !('\-(>| df \ii!j-ai- c jii !■'" 
 M'illi liis llitck. II(> (li",|..s(S ;i I'rcsid'.'iit who n-ccivcs 
 I)(!0|)1l' sittin<;* in liis shirt siccvcs ami siiiokiii^' ft i'i,n-,ir, 
 iind a (ioveninr who drives to tlu) Statc-houso on tho 
 t(i|) of a coach or 1 diss, and carries a chaiiu'c (»!' clollics 
 in liis pockct-handJvcrciiicf. There is some I'un at homo 
 in ))nlHn<^' down tho politicid edilice; lliere is noise, dirt, 
 dislnrhance, and dan<^-er (Mion^-li to make th(^ work ex- 
 citing'; bnt tliero is nothiii^L;- hnt hard toil and jiatient 
 (haid^i^'cry in bniidinp; it up a;j,"ain in tlie States. When 
 tlie work is finr'^hed it is l)ut an npstart after jdl ; it has 
 no ancestral C" historical associations; it is ^■nl,^•arly 
 new. Senators armed with revolvers and bowic; knives 
 insj)iro him with disp,-ust and contempt, while those who 
 both cant and si)it, when declaiming- on independence 
 and slavery, he regards as beings even below himself, if 
 the ])ictnres drawn of him by his friends the ])atriots and 
 agitators be at all true to nature. The illicit distiller 
 looks back with regrcit on tho excitement of his lawless 
 o(;cupation at home, in the })rosecution of which he lisid 
 the sym})athy of the whole ])0])nlai" 'U, who dehided tho 
 ])olice and the soldiery with false information, or d(>- 
 iended him Avith arms at the risk of tlieir own lives. He 
 is surprised to find that freedom which he had always 
 sought in sedition and rebellion, or in the midnight 
 forays of Kibbonism, when actually possessed means, 
 after .all, nothing more than a choice of occupation and 
 an obedience to those hxws, which, while they i)r()tect 
 liim in his rights, protect the connnunity also; and that 
 when justice is (.'ither too slow or too weak to reach 
 an offender, the peojAo institute a conrt thems(>lves 
 and ap])oint a gentleman to pn.^side, luider the title of 
 Judije Lijnch^ wlio by tho aid of elective olTictu's, styled 
 regulators, calls out the j'^osse comitatiis of the county 
 Avlien occasion requires, seizes the criminal, tries him 
 bummarily, and executes him on the spot. 
 
 It is no wonder that an exile of this description, who 
 [lies from Ireland to avoid an untimely end, gi\-es vent 
 to his disappointment in the pathclic remark, so charuc- 
 
 tori^ 
 
 for 
 
 obse 
 
nOMEWAT^D nOUNTJ. 
 
 59 
 
 tonstic nF tlio Irish: — ' l"5v Jin.^'o ! fliis is no conntnry 
 ff)r !i jniilli'iium to liv(^ in.' 'i'licrc is srnuc tniih in tho 
 (.(bscrviitioii as lie cxja'csst^s it, l»iit none wliatcvcr in its 
 apijllcation. It is (Miiiacntly tiio jsoor man's iionic If 
 hv is \villin,G;'to work, lie can lind cinploynK'nt, and lal)nur 
 is well rcmnncratcd. By indnstry and economy he can 
 rise to a position of case and comfort, jKnliajis of alliu- 
 cncc. There he must l)c contented to rest. The lii.L;luT 
 orders are wantin*^* in America; and that which money 
 cannot purciiase is ueitiier known nor value*!. Time, 
 liowever, works ^'reat chan^^'es in the Irish, wlietlier in 
 the United States or tlie Colonies. They are the few 
 amonf^ the many. They cannot hnv^ maintain their dis- 
 tinctive character ; they become gradually absorbed, and 
 are soon incorporated with the mass of the people. They 
 adopt the dress, the habits, and tho feelin.i''s of tlu; 
 Americans. Their clerf^y tang'ht them to disreg-ard a 
 Protestant sovereip:n ; the Americans, in their turn, teach 
 them to disregard their priests. One half of their lives 
 is sjient in learning what is wrong*, and the other in un- 
 learning it. Renunciation is soon followed by recanta- 
 tion, and the Queen and the Pope both lose their subjects. 
 By this process, the emigrants are protected from thiMu- 
 Bclves and their own violence ; they individually obtain 
 that freedom which, collectively, they never allow to 
 each other. A Roman Catholic who becomes a Protes- 
 tant in Ireland is considered as a man who deserts 
 his colours, and is pursued and punished by the wh<jl(» 
 community. In America he is neither hailed as a con- 
 vert by one side, nor insulted as a pervert by the other. 
 Tho event is regarded by the former with unconcern, 
 and by the latter as an occurrence rather to be regretted 
 than resented. Public opinion tolerates and protects 
 every sect, but has no symjiathy with any. Franklin 
 thought them all right, and Jefferson i)ronounced them 
 all wrong; the natural result is general indifference. 
 Religion is left to shift for itself, the supply is regulated 
 by the demand, and competition has lowered its value by 
 ado|)ting an inferior material, and coarse workmanship. 
 Fashion invents new patterns, and each succeeding 
 
 
 y 
 
 
 I 
 
 i 
 
 ., f« • 
 
 > 
 
CO 
 
 THE SEA SOX-TIC KF.T. 
 
 sofiRoii nnnoniiocs snmn nllraclivc imvclf y. Tlio nri,^'Iual 
 criii.^'nmt rclMins ^vitll some dilliculty llu; creed lie re- 
 ceived from his priest; ills faith is less hvely, ])uf still 
 he is a believer. It is different ^vith his descendants, 
 ^vho often exercise their own jud^^'nient, and choose for 
 tlsemselves. Ihit, thoug'h ho .adheres to his church, his 
 habits are altered and improved : he becomes industrious, 
 and his condition is ameliorated. J lis kind-heartiMl and 
 affectionatt; l"eelin^L;'s an* not merely jtreserved, but en- 
 hanced l>y distance. iU) works hard to save, and he 
 saves to im))ort his relatives to the comfortable home he 
 lias jirovided for them in th(^ West. TIk; Irish poor are 
 rich in love — in love for their parents, their children, their 
 friends, and their countrymen. No one is so d(\stitute, but 
 that he will .j^'ive of his last loaf and divide his last six- 
 pence with one ])Oorer or more destitute than he is, and, 
 when all is gone, he ming'les benedictions on others with 
 l)rayers for himself. Poor Pat! Your virtues are all 
 your own, while your faults are engrafted upon you by 
 others. Your impulses are good, but your trainiiig has 
 been vicious. Providence has bestowed upon you a 
 beautiful and fertile country, and a climate the most 
 agreeable and salubrious in the world. You are in pos- 
 session of the same civil and religious liberty as the 
 English, and the union of the two countries insures to 
 you any amount of capital that may be required to 
 develop the resources of Ireland. Keceive with cor- 
 diidily those who an^ Avilling to assist you, as well 
 because it is their <luty, as their interest to do so. 
 You yourselves oppose the only obstacles to your own 
 l)rosperity. 
 
 AVhile preparing for my de[)arture to England, I 
 witnessed one of those sad scenes that, alas! are of 
 constant occurrence in Ireland — an assemblage of emi 
 grants embarking on board a steamer, to be cbnveyed to 
 the clipper ship ' Cariboo,' bound to Quebec. It was a 
 touching spectacle. Old and young were taking leave of 
 their relatives and friends to seek their fortunes in a 
 distant land ; and the mutual grief of the parties, as 
 they bade each otlier a long and final farewell, was moat 
 
nOMnWAHD BOUND. 
 
 01 
 
 lionrtrondinp:. Eiitroatios woro oxr'lian,Q,'0(l nmu\ loan', 
 ciiihraccs, and bl('ssiii,i;-s on llic oim.' liaiul, to ho rcincm- 
 IhtccI in llio prayers of those; who wcro about to embark ; 
 and oil the other earnest vows never to forpfet tlieni, 
 and to jtrovidi! funds as soon as possible to cnai)le tlieiu 
 to reaeh their new lionie. A.^'ain and a^t^ain tli(\y renewed 
 tiieir a(n(}ux, and at hist were only se})arated by tlu^ by- 
 slanders, and the st(»rn voice of command from the 
 steamer. Lonj;' after the ship g"ot under wei,nh, hats and 
 handkerehiefs wen; waved by tin; ])assen^'ers and tlieir 
 bereaved friends on shore, until lh(>y fadecl from tin; view 
 of (>aeh other in the distance. ]>oth th(^ emi,!L;'rants and 
 tlielr attendants appeared to have come from the wilds 
 of the Avest coast of Ireland. 'JMiey were an uncouth 
 and uncivilized people, m;my of whom were i,i;'norant of 
 Kn^^lish, and spoke oidy their native lan;;'ua^'e, and most 
 of them wev(! d\\ ssed in a ,i;arb now but rarely seen, 
 (^ven at Cork. They were idl ])Oor, and in ai)))earanco 
 far below the averag'c run of Irish emigTants, while their 
 chests and boxes were of tho most primitive and rustic 
 kind I ever beheld. It was hm^i; ere the sorrowing* 
 friends who had acccmipanied them to the quay withdrew 
 their anxious gaze from the river, and beg'an to think of 
 their ret urn homeward. Litth; was said ; it was a silcMit 
 and mournful g'rou}) ; their hearts seemed too full for 
 utterance. So many ties had been suddenly rent asun- 
 der; so many recollections rapidly passed throug'h their 
 minds ; and so little knowledge of the distant country 
 to which the exiles were bound existed among- the 
 moiu'ners, that th(; world apix-an^l t(j them a dark, 
 dreary waste, without one ray of ho[)e t(» light eu it. 
 The j)riest had blessed them, it is Irue, but, alas ! he vras 
 no i»ro|thet; he had often blessed the dead, as well as / 
 the living; still it was a consolation to know that his 
 holy benedictions followed them. But the sea — tho 
 awful, uid^nowni, hottondess sea — was to be passed, and 
 Btorms, hurricanes, and mountaiu waves waylaid them 
 in their course, and who could say whether they would 
 survive all these trials and reach their destination. Their 
 minds were agitated by doubts and fears ; they coidd 
 
 I, 
 
 r 
 &1 
 
 '.t 
 
 ,1 
 
 u: . 
 
 
 < 
 
 
 I 
 
 I. •»*'■' ♦ 
 
 h 
 
C2 
 
 Tiir: SEA SOX-TICK r:T. 
 
 tliiiik of l)ut <.r;0 Ihiiip; fit a time, niid lliai wah tlicir 
 desolation and llicir .sorrow. Sliort and iiiaudiljlo pravcrs 
 ^yvv^i uttered from tlu? do'illis of their liearls for the 
 beloved seafarers, and for patience and endnranee for 
 tiieinselves. All at ])resent was Mank, l»ut hope nii,L;'ht 
 conu» Avidi \]\{) morning" to illumine their darkness, and to 
 vivify a faith Avhieh, thou.u'h it slumbenMl, was stron;;; 
 even unto death. '(Jod,' said th(> ])ri(>st, in words they 
 had often h(>ard, hut never lully and deejtly felt before, 
 '(.Jod knows all, ordains all, and is merciful to all.' 
 
 It was n s])ectacle n(>ver to be for,i;'ott(Mi. I have not 
 the nerves to witness human misery withont deej) emo- 
 ti(^n, and 1 shall avoid a scene like this for th(^ future. A 
 stran'^'er, at best, can give but little consolation, and his 
 l)resencc is often irksome to those whose only relief is in 
 an unrestraine<l utterance of the sorrows of their hearts, 
 'i'hen* were others, however, unconnected with tin; exiles, 
 who viewed their (l(^[)arture in a different li,i;ht, and 
 envied their ,!j,'ood fortune, in uein'i;ablc to leave poverty 
 and wretchedness behind them, and to exchan,i;-c the 
 laiul of buttermilk and potatoes for that of substantial 
 abundance. 
 
 A small band tluit had just landed from a viver 
 steamer struck up a merry tune, 'Clu^er, boys, clu^er,' 
 which was followe(l ])y ' IJarryowen,' and ' TIhm'c's a 
 l>;oo(l time coming;'.' The music, as it wiis kindly in- 
 1end(Ml, diverted the attention of the idlers, whom the 
 bustle and excitement of the embarkation had collected 
 on the tpitiy. Consjdcuous amon^L!,' them was a tall, 
 ]iowei'ful. unshorn couiitiTmini, carrvin,i;' a stout shille- 
 
 1 UIK 
 
 ler h 
 
 us arm, and iiavmu* a rollicKmi!*, i 
 
 devil- 
 
 ma V- 
 
 la-l 
 
 care sH't of air that g-ave you ar idea of a very dmll 
 but dan;j,'erous bdlow. J lis habiliuKMits bespok(^ an utter 
 disrejxard of the becominp;s. His hat had survived the 
 p'cater part of its rim and its crown, and bore evident 
 marks of rou,i;hupage and hard blows. It lookcMl as if it 
 had been thrown, rather than placed on his head, and had 
 nearly missed its hold, hang-in.o,' jauntily on one side, as 
 if r(^!i"ar(lless of its saf(>tv. His coat reache>l nearly to 
 his heels, and exhibited n)any rents and fractures, that 
 
iio:\iinVAnt) ^oi:S*u 
 
 G3 
 
 liatl curnc'l awny iiiucli of lli(.M)ri_L;-iiKil i.vitcrials ; a Imosc 
 Kiiildr-lilcc, black tic displayed a slroii_i;', muscular ucc 
 
 I.- 
 
 \vliil'j soap-coloured breeches, uurastened at tlio knees, 
 ]on,i;' .u,Tcy stocking's, and a pair of coarse, strong" brogues, 
 completed liis costume, lie was one of those perii)aletic, 
 nmlic philosoj)hers, s(^. often met ^^ith a few years ago in 
 Ireland, whose ])hilanthro{)y was inexhaustible. lie 
 went about d. "ug- g-f^od, assisting a friend to light at a 
 fair, doing honour to thedea.d, by carousing- at his wake, 
 and howling" and drinking' at his funeral. \V"oik was not 
 his vocation : he considered it only fit for a ' na.gur ' or a 
 Scotchman (for both of whom he had a supreme contem})t ), 
 a!id not at all suited to the sup(U"i(U" dignity of aCJalwav 
 boy. Still ho was most scru[)ul()us in tlu* fulHlment of 
 an oath, for having- sworn not to drink wh.isky again, 
 as loiiii (IS he, rcnhiiiial on earthy he climbe(l into a tree,/ 
 and g'ot drunk tliere, to keep his vow to the lettei".' 
 Addressing himself to me, whom he had ])reviously 
 s("anned and measured with his eye, ho said, 'It's a 
 ii()bl(( counthi'v eidirelv, A'cr honour, that the boys are 
 g'oin' to. They tell me Canady is a beautiful island, 
 wIkm'o laiul can bo had for the asking-, let alone the 
 whisky, no rent to |)ay, and no rgeids (l)ad luck to 
 them) to grind up (he poor along" with the corn. I hope 
 it will be my turn next. Did yer honour Ivor see that 
 counthry ? ' 
 
 'Yes,' S'.iiil I ; ' T know it well.' 
 
 'Then, it's glad 1 am to fall in wid yer bonour. 
 '^^aybc you'd be after knowing- one riielini jNE'Cartv, 
 there, a brother of mine, by his father's side, but not by 
 his mother's \ You'd know him Ijy the loss of an eye. 
 lie took two of them into llu; fiur at iJallinasloe, and 
 only fetched oi';; homo wid him. J>ad luck to the boy 
 that did liini that turn. It was more by accident than 
 any thinp^ clso lie hit him that blow; for sorra a man 
 could stand befon; riu^lim ; and a, dacent lad he was 
 too; and g-reat at book-larnin'. J)id yer lujuour over 
 Fee him in yer thravels ?' 
 
 'No,' I said, 'I iiev 
 
 er s 
 
 [IW 1 
 
 iim. 
 
 d 
 
 inada is a largr 
 
 If 
 
 country, larg'cr ihau Knglaud, Ireland, and Scotland put 
 
 »• f\ 
 
 I ■ 
 
 \i 
 
 <- i 
 
CI 
 
 TIIK Sr.ASOX-TICKET. 
 
 tog-ctlior, and it would have been mere accident if I liiid 
 seen liini.' 
 
 ' Bedad, I didn't tliink of tliat, yer liononr; so it is; 
 and maybe if you had seen liiniyou couldn't have known 
 liis name was PJielim oNl'Carty, unless he told you him- 
 self. It's mlg-hty well he is doing" too, for he g'cts four 
 pounds a month wages, and is after having me out, to 
 do for me .so.' ^ 
 
 'The reason lie is doin.c; well there,' I said, 'is bccauso 
 Ire is ol;lig'ed to work. ]f he had been willing to labour, 
 he eould have done equally well at home, lor this is as 
 good a country as Canada ; and if a man is industrious 
 and ])rudent, lie can earn an honest livelihood any- 
 wliere.' 
 
 'It's chape talkin',' he n'plied, 'but the work is not 
 to be had ; and when a jjoor mjin gets it, it's not worth 
 liavin'; the ])ay won't keep body and srnil togither. 
 Th"y won't gi\'e us a chance at all, at idl, here.' 
 
 ' Well, my friend,' 1 said, ' if you were to mak(> your 
 api)earance in that dress in Canada, you would stand a 
 poor chance to get em})loyment, I assure you. Why, 
 now, don't you cut off a piece of the tail of that long 
 coat of yours, and mend the rest with it?' A deeji flush 
 suffused his cheek at that question, as if he would like 
 to resent it; but suddenly assuming jiu arch look, Ik; 
 said, 'Did yer honour ever hear of Corney O'Jirien's 
 pigr^ 
 
 ' Xever,' I re]ilied ; ' but what has that to do witli 
 mending the coat?' 
 
 'Yer honoui- will see it has a good dale to do 
 with it, when you hear about that self-same ] tig. lie 
 was a knowing craythur,' he coi'tiuued, ciistiiig a sigiii- 
 licant glance at me, 'and there; is many a larncMl jtig 
 don't know as much as he did, after ah. Well, he know 
 if he hadn't a ])enny in his mouth, the devil ;i. bit would 
 the keejjer let him go through tin; pike. So what does 
 lie do, but wr.'tch for a chance to slip through unbe- 
 knownst to him. He walked about unconcarned, as if 
 he was only looking for a bit of a thistle to rat, or a root 
 of grass to giMib up; but for all that, he k(>i)t one eye 
 
nor.iEWAriD bound. 
 
 C5 
 
 Jlc 
 
 ;ni- 
 
 on tho bar and the otlior on ilic keeper tlio -wLile, and 
 Avlieii it was opened, he daslied tliroii,u,'h in spite of him, 
 hut, faix ! lie left his tail behind, for the kee})er shut tlic 
 gate to so quick, it cut it short off, to the stump. Well, 
 the craythur was so ashamed of the short dock, he never 
 could look an honest pig in the face ever afterwards. 
 It would be just the same with me, as Corncy's pig, yer 
 honour. If I was to cut the tail of my cut off, 1 should 
 never be able to look a dacent man in the face after- 
 wards,' and he walked away with the triumphant air (jf 
 a man wiio lias silenced his adversary. 
 
 ' Ah,' said I, to my friend Cary, * cmigi'ation is tho 
 only cure for such a fellow as that. Here, he is cither 
 ])roud of that badge of poverty, or indifferent to it. In 
 Canada he would be ashamed of it, and could not wear 
 it. Here, liis countrymen see no harm in it, there they 
 would sec nothing but degradation and national disgrace 
 in it.' 
 
 ' Coclum non animum mutant,' &c., &c., is not ap- 
 plicable to Irish emigrants. A change of country in- 
 volves an entire change in the man. But it is now time 
 for us to })rocccd to Quccnstown, and embark for 
 Kngland. 
 
 Cork lias something more to boast of than its noblo 
 harbour and its splendid scenery. It is the birthplace of 
 more eminent men than any other city in Ireland. It 
 has had the honour of ])rodu('ing Crofton, Croker, 
 .Murj)iiy, Dr. jSTaginn, Father Prout (Mahony), and 
 tSlieridan Knowh's, besides many others distinguished as 
 painters and scul^3tors, such as Barry, MacHsc, and 
 Jlogan. It is but a faint expression of my feelings to 
 say that I left Cork with great regret. Wc impose 
 needless obligations on ourselves, and then obey them 
 as if they were inevitable. I intended to nMuain only a 
 f-;li()rt tiiiu», and I returned home, for no better reason 
 than because 1 had so decided. 
 
 In an hour after witnessing the embarkation of the 
 emigrants we were on board the Peninsular and Oriental 
 Company's steamer, the 'IMadras,' and under way for 
 Soulhanipton. This beautiful ship was on a trial trio, 
 
 i 
 
 •il 
 
 
CO 
 
 TIIK SEASOX-TICKKT. 
 
 and tlio Directors kindly offcrod ns a passn.c>;o home In 
 her. I liavo mon^ tlian once made a voyag'c in th(! no])le 
 vessels of this Comjjany, in other ])arts of the world, and 
 they well merit the lii.u'h cliaraelcr they have for sjxM'd, 
 conif(»r', and safely. The Cuiiard lino hclon.^'s to a firm, 
 and the Direelors are the owners, Avho derive all the 
 advanta.i;'e resulting' from their maiuig'ement, a stimulant 
 i'ar beyond salaries or eonmiissioiis. '^Fheir own eapitiil 
 is !it stake, as veil as llieir chiiriu.'ler. 'l\\vy are neither 
 {subject to tiie caprice nor tlie penurionsness of share- 
 hoklei's, nor are they tempted into extravagance under 
 tlie idea that the expendituu^, as well as the risk, falls 
 ])rinci|ially upon others. The net gal'.', and the wh(tle 
 loss, is distribut(}d amongst the members of the lirm. It 
 is therefore, like all partnership concerns, betlei managed 
 than when th(^ authority is de})uted to others. In the 
 one case it is the interest of all to exercise a minute and 
 careful supervision over th(^ affairs; in tlie other, tlui 
 larger the expenditure the greater the reimnieiation re- 
 ceived by the agents. Tiiis Transatlantic line is there- 
 fore an exceptional case, and cannot b(^ com|)ared to 
 those of a joir^ stock I'haracter. But of all the otiier 
 Ocean Steam Associations, tliat of the IV'uinsular and 
 Oriental Steam Company is by far the best managed, 
 
 d th 
 
 ;ful. It h 
 
 at advantf 
 
 most Rucce 
 
 having grownup by degrees to its present magnitude, 
 whereby the cxi)erience of the managers grew with it, 
 while others, originally underttdvcn upon a largo scale 
 ]iy ])ersoTis nut conversant with such affairs, broke down, 
 to the loss and miu'tilication of tlu^ subscribers, and the 
 p;reat disappointment of the public. This is a circum- 
 stance wholly overlooked by the Government, by whicli 
 large sums of money have been I'cckk^ssly thrown away. 
 The tentk^r of the Australian Steam Oom])any for the 
 conveyance of the mails to ^Melbourne, though exceeding 
 that of i\\v, reninsidar and Ori(Mital line for the same 
 service, by £l(),()()0])er annum, was accepted bytiovern- 
 ment, undcn' the absurd id(Ni of distributing their con- 
 tracts among different ])arlie^;, in order to prevent any 
 asauciutiou from becoming' too powerful. The result, aa 
 
 prcdl 
 
 comp 
 
 nhim 
 
 inost 
 
 enorn 
 
 seem 
 
 great 
 
 the 
 
 name] 
 
 large, 
 
 so rai 
 
 carofu 
 
 thoror 
 
 brand 
 
 Ameri( 
 
 name 
 
 fate a^ 
 
 less dil 
 
 Infin 
 
 associa 
 
 furnish 
 
 Cuiiard 
 
 resp(>ct 
 
 Avorld. 
 
 in line, 
 
 theKas 
 
 ]>ossessi 
 
 pelitical 
 
 due sul 
 
 iiieiit ol 
 
 spared i 
 
 ahlest a 
 
 accunmi( 
 
 like a si 
 
 longer tl 
 
 thing is 
 
 bracing j 
 
 exhilarat 
 deck, iu ( 
 iiiid nunk 
 
IIOMKWAKD ROUND. 
 
 C7 
 
 predicted by tlioso acquainted Avitli the sulijcct, was 
 roinpletc failure, and after an linmcMise loss resort was 
 ultimately had to this association, who pcrrorin the work 
 most admirably. StcanuM's an; ])uilt, and run at an 
 (Miormous expense, and althou,i;'h the ))ostal subsidy may 
 seem larp;e, and tlu; ])assen.<^(n* and frci^^-ht traflic v(My 
 _u'reat (which are obvious to all, and easily calculated), 
 the outlay is so continuous and enormous, the staiT so 
 numerous and costly, the losses (wIkmi they occur) so 
 hu\n'e, and the dc^terioration in th(; vahu; of the jiroperty 
 so rajml that nothim;' can insure success but the most 
 careful and judici(.)us mauag'omcMit, combined with a 
 thorou,i;'h knowledg'e of the business in all its various 
 branches. Hence the failure of many French and 
 American companies, ineludin;^,' those known by tin* 
 name of the 'Collins Line of Steamers,' and a similar 
 fate awaits others that are now strug-g-ling' with hope- 
 less dillicnlties. 
 
 Infinite credit is due by the travelling' public to this 
 association, and by the proprietors to their Directors, for 
 furnishing' a line of steamers e(pialled only by those of 
 Canard, superior even io them in number, an<l in all 
 respects far beyond those of every other nation in the 
 world. Safe in foul weather, eonnnodious and ag'reeabl<^ 
 in line, they have smoothed and shortencMl the route to 
 the East, and by afforvling" easy access to those distant 
 ])oss(^ssi()ns have strcMigthened onr hold ui)on them, both 
 ])olitically Jind commercially. S^'stem, onler, regularity, 
 due sul)ordinati(Ui, and ecfuiomy ])ervade every depart- 
 ment of their vast establishment, while no money is 
 spared in procuring' the strongest and best vessels, the 
 ahlest and most ellicient ollicers, and in providing' g'ood 
 accommodation and liberal fare for the ])assengers. I 
 like a steaiuer, and oidy wish tlu; ]>resent voyage was 
 longer than from Cork to Southam])ton. What a g'orions 
 thing is the sea, the vast, the l)onndless sea! How 
 l)racing' and refreshing' the breeze ! J low the spiritf-i are 
 (exhilarated by sikhmI, and how proudly you walk the 
 d(>ck, in conscious strength of lia"«'ing subdued the oc^'au 
 and made it subservient to your will. The llapi)ing' Scul 
 
 ¥ 2 
 
 i 
 
 I'll 
 
 > ?v 
 
 % »:; 
 
 l 
 
 
 r •■ ; 
 
 til 
 
 4 
 
 • 
 
 
 « 
 
 ' 4 
 
C8 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 i\ii(] ilio listless calin, tlio dull and nioiiotoiio'.iR rrilliua,' of 
 the inert and liel))l('ss sliip, tlic drowsy dreamy days of 
 time that stood still, the anxious survey ol" tlu^ sky for in- 
 tlieations of the aw.akcnin.i;* breez(», the baflied hoi)e, tlio 
 01>{)ressiv(! feelinL;'s of despondency at head Avinds and 
 adverse seas that overpowered us of old, are reeoll('('ti(^ns 
 of the past that only seem to increase the ]>le;isure derive(l 
 from a ])ower that bears us on with unabated, unaUere(l 
 spee(l, i'(\L;-ardless alike of currents or adverse g^ales. 
 jiow su})erior is it to a railway train: you have room 
 to inov(5 and to walk about, you inhale with delii»'ht the 
 fresh air, and you soon become known to all your fellow- 
 travellers. Yoji relish your meals, and have an increased 
 appetite for them (if you arc a good sailor, if not, you 
 bad better stay r>t home and read the travels of others). 
 You have time to eat, your progress is not delayed by 
 the operation, and you can sit and sip your wine at your 
 leisure : and enjoy the varied conversation of your com- 
 j)anions. JIow different is all this from tlie rusli into a 
 refreshment room, where stale pastry, coarse meat, 
 detestable coffee, thick soup, and bad tea arc served and 
 swallowed in haste, amidst a standing, elbowing, noisy 
 crowd. The hour, too, after alight supper is most enjoy- 
 able ; your companions are generally men of the world, 
 and from all parts of the gh^be, and the conversation is 
 C(]ually various and amusing. Every man is a walking, 
 talking book of travels, having the atlvantage over a 
 printed one of possessing the id)ility to cxphun what is 
 r;bscure, to abridge what is diffus(% or enlarges what is 
 too brief. There is less reserve than in general society, 
 and individual character is more developed. It affords a 
 good study of human nature. AVIkmi the bell rings for 
 the extinguishment of lights, instead of spreading out a 
 railway wrapper and reclining your head against the 
 corner of the carriage, you get into your snug, comfort- 
 able berth, and are rocked to sleep by the lullaby of the 
 billows. Oh! commend me to an ocean steamer, and 
 let those who i)refer railways have their monopoly of 
 Piuoke, dust, noise, tremulous carria^'es, and sulky, 
 supercilious companions. 
 
IIOMKWAIII) r,ouxt>. 
 
 CO 
 
 As soon as I bad tlisposcMl of my traps in my state- 
 VDoin, and inoimttMl tin; deck, I nro^'iiiscd jiii old super- 
 numerary ollieer of the Conipaiiy with Aviiom 1 had made 
 a voyai;'e or two in the oMediterranean. Captain JJivers 
 is a well-known eharacter, and lias been so lon.i^ in tiio 
 serviee that lu; is g-enerally style(l ' Connnodore.' Jle 
 was not attired in the nnifv)nn of the (Jot'jpan}'', as \m 
 was not on dnty, bnt in the iisnal niidn^ss sea snit of a 
 seaman, and ;i jolly tboron,<;-hf;-oin<i; saibn* he was ! Sh(»rt, 
 lliick set, rut her inelined to eorpnleney, and bearin.!;- n 
 full, llorid, ,u,-ood-hnmoin'ed eonntenanee: who that had 
 ever seen him eonld for^-et the Commodore ! 
 
 'Ah, my s"^)0(l friend,' he said, as ho shook mo heartily 
 by the hand, ' 1 am «^"lad to see yon, I thon^ht you were 
 in the Pacifie.' After awhile our conversation naturally 
 turneil on the ]iast, and tho incidents of our voyages in 
 the i^[editerranean. 'Did you ever meet that Yankee 
 lady aii;ain,' he said, ' who eame from iNFidta with us, 
 ]\Irs. Balcom ? A ])loasant littU^ woman that: she was 
 th(; only AnuM'iean lady 1 ever met that lau<^-]i('d heartily: 
 th(\y are g(Mierally so formal, })reeise, and cold. Their 
 smiles are like winter sunbeams on ic(*, brig'ht enough to 
 dazzle y(^ur eyes, while ycau'feet are freezing. A Yaidvcc 
 lady is like a badly boiled potato, lloury outside, but 
 willi (f hone at the heart. (Jive me an English girl after 
 all ; wIkmi they do love they love you in earnest. I 
 won't say that there are n(jt matches made for money 
 here or elsewlun'e ; l)ut in a general way they don't 
 begin with the "everlasting dollar."' 
 
 ' No,' I said, ' they may not originate in it, but how 
 often mcic love matches end in " dolor." ' It was a bad 
 jtun ; I never ])erpetratcd a good one in my life, and I 
 am glad of it, for there is little beyond knack in making 
 them. Good or bad, however, the Commodore did not 
 take it, though, like every one else who don't i)erccivo 
 the point, he looked rather abroad, smiled, and said, 'Uh, 
 yes, that is very true.' 
 
 'But to get back to my story,' he continued. 'I 
 thought Mrs. l]alcom would have died at a story I 
 told her of a German lady's delicate health, who made a 
 
 ..:[ 
 
 - 
 
 'K^ 
 
 
70 
 
 Tin: si:asox-ticki:T. 
 
 trip Wuri mc froiii .Maiseillcs to Alexander — did I ever 
 tell .you tlud story?' 
 
 'isutthat 1 recollect.' 
 
 ' Well, one inoriiiiig- I overheard the stcAv:irdess in- 
 quiring;' kindly after her he.'ilth : she answered her very 
 desponding'ly : "Oh, ver bad. All ze ni_^-ht I was more 
 bad zan avair ; ze head, zo back, zc limbs, zo bad 1 can- 
 not tell." 
 
 ' "Would you like to have some breidJast, madam ? " 
 
 * " Don't know — ver sick -wiz de sea mal — what ave 
 3^ou ? " 
 
 ' " Oct yon .»T>ythhi'v n;, , mr lam." 
 *" Ave you zc bcebi leak ; " 
 
 * "Yes, madam." . • 
 
 *"I take ZG beefsteak. Av. ^ou zc mutton-chop, ze 
 potato, zc tomato, Aviz ze colTe and hot cake ! " 
 
 * " Oh, yes. Is there anything else you would like to 
 have, madam ? " 
 
 ' '• Ah, mon Dieu, I cannot tell. I ver indispose. 
 Stop, mamscllc ; brino- mc after dat ze lobstair, cow- 
 cumber, R:id ze oil. Tell I you 1 ver bad a})etize?" And 
 she tucked them in one after the other in g-reat style. 
 Lord! how Mrs. Balcom laug-hed at that story; and then 
 she went and g*ot out her writing-desk, and made me 
 say it over and over, word by word, until she had it all 
 correct. She said she was paid to write letters about 
 wdiat she could j)ick up in her travels for newspapers, 
 and it helped to defray her expenses — a queer idea, ain't 
 it? "AVxdl, ma'am," says I, "if you want queer an(H'- 
 dotes, I can tell you them by the dozen, for in course 1 
 have seen a great m;iny peo})le in my day, and heard all 
 sorts of things, as you may suppose from my having 
 been so long in the service. Why, bless your heart, 
 ma'am," says I, " I took tlwce-fourt/is of the English 
 and French army to the Crimea in that noble ship the 
 Sijnla." 
 
 '"Oh," s.'iid Colonel Van Eansellier, an American 
 friend of hers, "come now, Commodore, you are going 
 that rather too ra|.)id. I won't say you lie, because that 
 ain't poUte, but you lidk uncommonly like me, when I 
 
1I<>MI:WAIM> I'.Ol Xl>. 
 
 71 
 
 1 
 
 10 
 
 \h} vmi iiMMii |(> s;iv lliiit vi>u .'K'<ii!»llv liHik llirc 
 
 fdtirllis dl' llic allictl army Id llic C'liiiiea in lli;il aiu 
 
 h1ii|» 
 
 ( (( 
 
 Id 
 
 All at ones t ? 
 
 () 
 
 » 
 
 N'lt, not !,11 at oiico, Ix'Cniiso tliai woiiM !»(' .i;''.Ii|o« 
 rntlu'i' tuo rn]»i'i, as voii s;iy : lnil ' diJ ii in tlirt'o lri[>s, 
 til. • rli. Wli.a <l<) vuii tliiiik (.r .hat i " 
 
 '• Veil, ni Icll yon wliat • iliink <>( if," sai.l lie " Did 
 vo'i ever bL'O tlu; c !<']»ralcd Aint'ric.in Circns ('(iin|iaii\', 
 iK'lon^Mii.L; to .S(|uii'c Cnsliing, liiat's iK'rfdnniii!^' to 
 J.ondon^" 
 
 
 OS, f .iav( 
 
 »» 
 
 Well, s< far so o-ood. DIil you over roc IIk^ man 
 
 t^int C'imbcd (i[) a pole, and stood on liis licad on it 
 
 > » 
 
 ( a 
 
 I 1 
 
 lavc. 
 
 '"Well, / told a d()\vn-(nistor, from llio Sfafc -/ 
 j\iainc, I had seen it done, and lie ro]»liod iio did \.t 
 doul)t it, for lie liad done hum) nor tint iiimsolf." 
 
 '"Wiiat," savs I. 
 
 '■ n 
 
 Why, says ho, I climbed np tlio jiolo tlic same a., lu 
 (lid, only I ;:i-n('ss it "was an cvcM'insJiirj,- si;^"iit longer one, 
 and tJKMi I stood on my head on it." 
 '" Well, savs 1, Aviiat then ^ 
 
 i a 
 
 Why, says he, stran^-er, I don't snp])0se you'll 
 helicTo it; hut I'll tell you wliat I did. Wlicn 1 "was 
 standin' on my head on \\\i\ toj) of that i\\\\ ])o!e, I jist 
 raised mysch" up a litlit^ willi my arms, opened my jaws, 
 put my teeth to it, and ]iulled it ri<i,'lit np out of tlie 
 i^Tound, and then jumped down, Avith one end of it in my 
 mouth. 
 
 i a 
 
 Well, savs I, I don't helic'vc it, and that's flat, 
 
 '"I shouldn't wonder, said h(\ if you didn't. Jhit I 
 hav(» told it so often, 1 believe it myself — 1 actually do. 
 
 '••Now, Conunodore," said the Colonel, '"1 guess you 
 have told that ere story so often, von bcdu to believer it 
 yourself, like that Kentuckiau chap. Wliat will you bet 
 you did it 
 
 A hundred dollars," says T. 
 "I'll bet you two hundred," said he, "you didn't, 
 
 if 
 
 1 
 
 I 
 
72 
 
 Tin: SI'ASOX-TICKKT. 
 
 *"Doiio!" };{ii(l T, ;unl \vo slaUcil llio nionoy niul 
 fipjKjiiitetl our unijiiro. "Now," says J, "1 IdoIv IIk? 
 loiirtli Foot diio vo3-n.L!,v, llic Fourtli Drii,u'(>niis tlio 
 t^f'coiul voyage, and \\\o Fouilli TrcMich Cliaspours 
 irAfrifliio llic tliinl V(ty.a.ii;'o ; and tliat is llic ///?v,r- 
 Jhurt/is of the (irmji in tlir('(3 voyag'cs. Wliat do you Kay 
 io thai, 'Colonel?'" said 1. 
 
 *"t^old! " said lie, "every mito and morsel of me, and 
 \vell s(»ld, too — lliat's a super-superior calcii. Write that 
 Htory down, and si^'u it, and put tlie V. and O. ship's 
 iKune, the Simla, down, too, lest I should forget it, and 
 lei the umpire write on it tliat he decided it a';'ainst me, 
 and Ki<:;-n his name and tith; in full. Let it a})i)ear au 
 ondeniable fact, that's all I ask. I don't ^Tud^e the 
 money, it's only lii'ty pounds, and I'll make as many 
 hundreds out of it when I u'<*t home." 
 
 ' Lord ! I sh 
 
 f( 
 
 ;t the day I 
 
 ided 
 
 IS commau( 
 
 to prepare to take the lirst reg'iment. A lieutenant in 
 the navy came on board with the order: and they arc 
 pMdlementhat recognise uooilieer alloat but themselves, 
 and think they have a monoj)oly of all the seamanship 
 and knowledge of navigation in the world. So when ho 
 comes on board, sai 1 he : " I want to sec ^NFr. Kivers." 
 ]\Iy lirst ollieer, who saw h(Mvas giving himself airs, and 
 liad no mind to stand it, said : " There is no Mr. Itivers 
 licre, sir : you liave come to the wrong ship." 
 
 * "Isn't this the Simla?" 
 '"It is." 
 
 *" Who commands her?'* 
 t " Cai^t'iiii Hi vers " 
 
 * " AVelf, tell Mr. Eivcrs I w\'int to roc him." 
 
 * "I tell you, sir, there is no Mr. ilivers here." 
 *"Well, tell him that commands her, then, that 
 
 Lieutenant Jenkins, of Her Majesty's ship the Blunder- 
 buss, is the bearer of au order from the Admiral." 
 
 * So what does he do but call the second ofiicer, and 
 Bays he, " Tell Ca])tain Kivers a jSFr. Jenkins is hero 
 with an order from the llag-shij)." The lieutenant was 
 very angry ; but other people hav(^ short memories as 
 well as navy ofliccrs. AVhen he delivered the order, lio 
 
ItOMKWAKD ROUNt). 
 
 ^.1 
 
 t o 
 
 ('nmi>luIiKHl to mo of my odlccr for riiiLMK'ss, and I called 
 liiiii and rebuked liim for it. Says I, '"if this ^vatle- 
 inaii f()riL;*ets what is duo to others, you should never 
 for:;('t what is duo to yourself." 1 must say, thou,i;-li» 
 that the Admiral always treated me with |;*reat coude- 
 seeiisi(^ii and kindness; and :i thorough sailor ho was, 
 too, wiiieh was more than could l)(; said of sorK; others 
 1 know in tlu* licet. Steam has played the deuce with 
 oursaihas; they arc not what they used to ho in my 
 youn^'er days. Still, they are far l)ef(jro the French in 
 every way, although machinery has put them more on a 
 level with lis than I like. I am sorry you have Ikhmi 
 away this sunnner. Yo'.i should have seen th(* fete at 
 Cherbour;^. Ah! sir, that was a beautiful sig-ht. Wo 
 liad g-lorious weather for it; and, 1 think, wc must havo 
 astonished the French.' 
 
 ' You mean,' I said, ' that Cherbourg' astonished you ; 
 didn't it?' 
 
 ' Not at all,' ho said. * There is a snpcn'b dockyard 
 there, and a beautiful harbour, with an entrance at each 
 end of it, well i)rotected by powerful batteries. Ilut 
 what of all that? Any harbour can bo well fortified; 
 but this place is constructed on old prinei[)les, and the 
 improvement in modern artillery, and the recent inven- 
 tion of now projectiles, render it far less formidable tliaii 
 you would suppose. The lleet can be shelled by ^Vhil- 
 worth's g^uns, and burned in the dockyard. J3ut what I 
 was alluding" to was the spectacle. Why, sir, it was an 
 Knglish exhibition in a French harbour. Just ima.u,"ine a 
 fleet of live hundred yachts, belon;;ing to English country 
 gentlemen. Beautiful craft, well fitted, well manned, 
 and appointed in the most ])erfect manner, and (dl deco- 
 rated with every variety of Hag, with just wind enough 
 to wave them to advantage. It was a beautiful siglit. 
 Then there were three of our splendid ships, the Pera, 
 the Salsette, and the Benares, three of the linest ships 
 afloat — not belonging to (jlovernment, but to a company 
 of merchants — not selected as show-vessels, but taken 
 l>romiscuously from u lleet of more than lifty, merely, 
 because they were supcniumerary at the time — and thia 
 
 h 
 
 M I 
 
 
 » t 
 
71 
 
 Tin: srAsr>N'-TirKi;t. 
 
 company only on(» oT llic many j^rcjit ocean atcain coni- 
 ]»ani<'S of Kn;4lan(l. Tlicn tlicro was the Ktna, Ix'lon^in.L^ 
 In lli(! (.'unarcl licet, as lart;'(? as a seventy-four ^'un siiip; 
 bes'ules numerous oilier smaller jirivjite steamers. To 
 tln'S(! were addefl llic Hrilish sijUadron of men-of-war; 
 anil, al)()V(» all, tlio I'oyal yaelits of Her .Majesty, Ultiii,!;' 
 eiiiMcms nf the C^iiceu oi a mai'itime nation like; (Ircat 
 Jiritain. Hopend upon it, that speetaelc must liav(! 
 struck the French as an (;videnco of the stren^'th, sj)irit, 
 and resources of (J real Britain. AVhat i/in/ had to show 
 consisted of (Jovernment woi'ks, some u;;'ly forts, a 
 l)reak\vater, and a dockyard. Their line-of-l»attle ships 
 were so constru(!ted as to render their lower p;uns use- 
 less, even in moderate; weather; and their sailors neithn* 
 knew how to man the* yards or to cheer, how to saluto 
 their friends or daunt tiieir enemies. There is uothiii-' 
 (MpK'd, sir, to the; cheer of the JJritish sailor. It does my 
 lieart g'ood to hear it. Cherbourg- is a ^*ood skulkin;;" 
 ]»lace: it's the; worst thing' in the world to n^.ake a navy 
 depend for its saf(3ty on a fortilieil harbour. They an; 
 used to beini;' blockaded, and (Jiierb(jur<i' shows they 
 expect to be chasinl home a;^'ain. It is a ^Tcat tributi; 
 to our navy, but it is a depressin*;' thin,i;' to theirs. ri,L:,-ht 
 or sink, do or di(^ is our motto. Cut and run, if they 
 g'ct the worst of it, is theirs. If they had no j)laoc to 
 run to they would lig'ht better, ^^ebastopol and Cron- 
 stadt were the .n'raves of the Russian navy, and ClK>r- 
 bour<^ will prove the same for that of the French. Th(3 
 l)ad;^er and the fox, wIkmi they "earth," confess they 
 are not e(]ual to a stand-up ii.u'lit. The bulldoj^ shows 
 his teeth, but never his tail. It would have done you 
 fi'ood to see the Members of the House of Commons that 
 went there in the Pera, and to listen to their collective; 
 wisdom about thiu'i's tliev knew as much of as a cat 
 does of a punt. The salvos startled ]\ocbuck out of a 
 year's growth (indeed Bright says he never will grow 
 anymore), and n7.9Count AVilliams was outrageous at tiie 
 amount of powder wasted in tlu^ salutes, and vowed ho 
 would move for ;i return of the c<jst. Sir Charles Napier 
 was fur blockading' the harbour, to prevent the F'rcncU 
 
1I<)AII:WA1M) r.oi ND. 
 
 ?5 
 
 ships from ^rttiii.u" nut, jiimI iiii <»l(l 'I'nry Atlmiial, tn 
 Kc('|) llicm li'om ,Li('ttiii,L;' iu " Tlicrc; you arc," siiid 
 llciiial Oslioriic, '• holli (»f you !i( tlic (»l»l st<»rv <•!' 'inn 
 :iii<l outs;' cau't you li.'iivo your party j)oliti('s al liotuc^' 
 "Or ('liau,c;'(' tlicju," said JxocbucU, *• as you did your 
 name, I'roiu Mcrualcs to llcriial, aud tlicu a<ld on ()sltorin», 
 as tiic Irisiuuau docs au outer coat, to conceal the JKtlcs 
 in the inner ()n(». 15 ut the Jew will p(>ep out after ail. 
 W'iiat a national love- yuu have of torlurini;-a fellow vou 
 do not like." "Not so much as l)i///y has," Ik; said, 
 ;^-oo(l-nature(lly. "By jin,!j;-o," said an Irish Meiuber, 
 " 1 wish you and your frii.Mids IJothseiiild and Solonioiis 
 •woiild only conunit treason ; we'd conllshcato your pro- 
 ])erty aud ])ay off th(; national debt \\h\ it entirely." 
 " 1 dare say you do," said S))f>oner; "tlu^ Irish an^ used 
 to treasons and conliseations, and always will whih^ tin; 
 
 Mayiif)otli" '• Order, order," said Ifoehuck. " Vou 
 
 luav well snv order, order," repli<'(l tlu; Irislnnan, "after 
 you have lired your own shot. It's the wav vou ditl 
 Avith poor Jiutt : alter you had l)een the paid a^'cnt for 
 the Canadian rebels for years, you chai'.Li'cd Ihitt; with 
 having' been the advocate of au Indian I'rince. J5y th(5 
 
 jtowers of ]\Ioll Kelly, if" "Come, come," said 
 
 Lindsay, *'no personalities and no jtoiitics, for, as an 
 Irish friend of mine said of sonie articles in the 7V;/^*w 
 (two of the writers of its (Mlitorials Ix'in^ij; Jiob Jiowe and 
 J>asent), ' T/iC^c t/n'iigs arc more Lowe than JJasnit.' 1 
 move tliat wo nominate a conunitt(M' of mana.a;ement and 
 su|)ply." Oh, dear, it Avas o-r(»at fun. They couldn't 
 a^'reo \ii)on anything-, and lirst movetl resohitions and 
 then amendments, and <;'ave notice to rescind, and then 
 debated it all over again, (hially adjourned, and then 
 resumed the discussion at ni.!:^"ht. A\ell, the conuniilet; 
 of management mi nanaired everythino;. When the 
 l>oat went ashore it j_ot a,i;'rr)und and remained there; 
 when it returned to the ship it remained there also; 
 those that landed could not got off, and those that 
 wanted to land h;ul no means of reaching' the place. 
 One-half of them did not g*et into the docks, and those 
 that did either were kept waithig' to enter, or wero 
 
 > 
 
 *' ' ^ 
 
 
 \n 
 
7g 
 
 Ti I n SKA fjOX-Tic :; r/f . 
 
 nliowii out l>y a (lirfciTiit i;'ato to ^vllat llioy catiic In by. 
 It was a droll iilTair. Tlioy hccukmI to have a inoiioj>()Iy 
 of sliiiidics, as llio (lOVi-nior of Malta lias of his capers, 
 ^'oii know they .^tow on tlio ramparts there, and peoplo 
 used to help tiieinselves to what they ■wanted, till it 
 n(»liee was put up to prevent them, which ran thus — 
 " Xo jhrson, except the Guccnior, is allowed to cut cajicrs on 
 these r(niip(n-ts.^* 
 
 ' If they had left thiuLrs to us tliey would have hern 
 ns comforlalth^ as iho day was lon^j;*; but they took tin.' 
 direction themselvis, and w(U'e as imcomfortaMti as 
 })eople of dilTerent opinions well could be. Ihit how can 
 you expect politicians to a i;'ree, except in disa,L;'re<'in.i;' .^' 
 Here he suddenly broko (»ff the conversation, sayin;^'-, 
 Mt(>re is old Tom Skinner, who sailed with mo in the 
 Simhi. lie is a character, tluit fellow,' and, allowing" mc 
 to })ass on, accosted a (pieer-looking seaman that was 
 ^[•oino;- ["ft io the wheel. 'Is that you, Tom Skinner/' 
 said h(^ ' How are vou?' 
 
 * i^'etty well in bodily he;dtli, sir,' said the sailor; 
 ' but the iiord feti'heth it out of me in corns.' 
 
 ' Are you married yet, Tom ;" 
 ' \V(>1I, 1 be.' 
 
 * And how do you j:;'et on?' 
 
 ' Well, 1 can't say it's a woman lost or a man thrown 
 nway ; it's much of a muchn(\ss, sir. She tried it on at 
 iirst, savin*;' your presence, sir, by g'oiuo- to bed missus 
 and getlin;j;' up master; but I soon fetciied her up with 
 a round turn, and mad(^ iier coil up the slack. SIh^ 
 knows her course now, sir, and answers the helm 
 beaut if ui.' 
 
 Here the dinnor-bcll ran.n', and we went below. 
 
 AVhoe\er has been at sea, as 1 have. In the old saillnp,*- 
 ])ackets, can h;u"dly believe the gn^ai; imjirovement that 
 lias bi>en effected in th,; arrangements of ocean steamers 
 for the comfort of ])assengers. The saloon is as dif- 
 ferent a thing from tlie cabin of former days as can well 
 be imagined. Well lighted and ventilated, si)acious and 
 admirably adapted, either for the purposes of a dhiing" 
 or bitliiiii' room, it lias all the convciiience that a vessel 
 
IIOI^IEWARI) BOUND. 
 
 77 
 
 lit 
 if- 
 
 iff 
 
 is capaMo of affonlinp:, wliilo tho moans and niodo of 
 c<>(ikin,n', and tlic nnnilxT and IraiiiinL!,' of tlic waiters, aro 
 Hucli as to Ictivt' ])assi'n;j,vi"s no ^Tound to (•()in[)luiii o)"' 
 tlicir dinner, or llic manner in \vliieli it is served. Tliey 
 are literally' lloatini;- liotels. On referrin^i;' to tills snl)- 
 ject, in a coiiversaliiin wiili tlic; Coniniodcrc, lie said, 
 • This, sir, arises I'roni onr liavin,L;' a lore and also an alter 
 ealiin. Kaeli lias its separate price, and is provided 
 accordingly. Those M'ho ])ay th(.' Inll fari* have th(^ Itest 
 acconnnodation ; those who are in the forward cabin, 
 and whoso j)assa;4'e-nioney is less, are snp))1ie(l in pro- 
 portion to what tliey pay. It is not like a Vauke(> hotel, 
 where there are iiniri/ boarders, and co/7/-/;^r/' boarders. 
 1 have often lanfj^hed .at a stoi'v told nie by th(» Gover- 
 iior's aid(.'-de-canip at (iibridtar, who was a })assen^'er of 
 mine some four or five j-ears a,'i,'o. He said he was once 
 travelling' in Connecticut, and arrived at an inn, when* 
 the members of the Jjc^^ishiture ])oarded and dined 
 to<i:ether. A queer collection of sag-es they must have 
 been from liis description, consistin<;' of farmers, lawyers, 
 ship-builders, lumbernu^n, land speculators, and so forth. 
 The landlord k(»])t a cajntal table, on Avhich was every 
 delicacy of the season. Well, a i)rimitive old fellow, a 
 representative of ji rural district, who knew more of ])er- 
 soual than ])olitical economy, and had been used to coars(^ 
 fare at home, did not nuich like th(i ex'peuse, and wante(( 
 1o be served at a lower rate than tlut others; so he 
 applied to the landlord to reduce the fare. ''1 don't 
 want vour venison," he said; ''your tnrk(>vs, your 
 canvas-back thicks, or your salmon ; let thost^ hav(i 
 tli<in that iik(3 them, and can JitYord them; coi-ncd-hctf is 
 !;'uod enou^^'li for me. If you will <^iv(^ mo that, it is idl 
 1 want, tliereforo you must reduce tho l)oard to mo 
 accord in;4'ly." TIkj master of tho house, who was a bit 
 of a wa^i,', ag-reed to tins, and promised to keep silenc(» 
 on the subject of tho barg'ain. lie knew very well it 
 was the secri*t, and not tho arran^'ement, that would 
 punish Master Skinflint; accordin^-ly he left things to 
 take their course. Well, tho servants, who were igno- 
 rant of the private cojupacl, offered liiia in turn every 
 
 ^ 
 
 >. J. 
 
78 
 
 THE SF.ASOX^TIOKF.T. 
 
 (lisli oil tlio 1al)l(\ '• Brill, 2,' me coriiiHl boof," was ilic 
 invariaMc onlcr. At Iciisi'tli this .siiiu'iilar and oft- 
 repeated answer altractecl llie attenlioii ol' everybody at 
 llio tal)le, and (lie waiters, seeing- them enjoy the joke, 
 continnally ))hed and templed iiim willi every other dish 
 in anecession before tliey obeyed tlio demand for corned- 
 beef. At last the member for Sfjnaslivillo lost all 
 ])atii'nee, and roare(l out in a voie(i of thnnder to tlie 
 servant, '• (.'onfonnd your n,<;'ly ])ieliirc, don't yon know 
 1 am a, corncd-hecf Inxtnlrr and not a iitr/jc// boarder'^: " It 
 U'rew into a bv-word that; and everv sliabbv fellow at 
 ail hotel now is called a '•corned-beef boarder;" so von 
 se(! the iurhc'i juL^scixjcn arc l)(>re, and the coDicd-hnf 
 (jcnthnnan forward. Neither of them have any reason to 
 complain. Kverytliiii.t;- is done liixM'ally liere; and tiiis 1 
 must sa}', 1 prelV'r this service to that of the navy; the 
 ollicers arc better i)ai(l, better found, and better treated 
 in (^'cry res])ect.' 
 
 After dinn(>r I li:j,'hted my ci.L;'ar, and ]\accd np aial 
 down tli'> deck, whieli beiu^* lliish fore ;ind aft mad<' an 
 extended promenade. W'iiih.' thus enjoyin;j,'my I lavaniudi, 
 tiie first oiliccr, Stra,Li,'lash, whom 1 had also known in the 
 .Meditcn'rancan, oflered me a chair in his cabin, which 
 ofxMicd directly on the deck, lie was a tall, line-looking;' 
 fellow, aetiv(% intelli[>;ent, and every inch a sailor; but 
 liis face was tin.uT-d with that colour tl.iat bes])eid<s ex- 
 ]>osnr(^ to a tropical climate, and (exhibited traces of the 
 fearful liver complaint, Avhich seldom fails to await a 
 Iciiju'thcned s(n'vice in tluvKast. Ib^ a[)])eared to be a 
 ji,'eneral favourite; ainonij;' the Directors, who had i)r()mis(Ml 
 iiiin the command of the next new ship that was to be 
 added to the licet. There are two most excellent re<4"u- 
 lations in this service — oik; is, that evcn'v oflicer must, 
 lu'fore (Mitrance, iiav(^ ]>reviously S(»r/(Hl four years at sc.i 
 in a sailiu<;" vessel, and be able to i)rodnc(; testimonials as 
 to comiK'tency; and the ollun* is, that there is a re,i;'nlar 
 scale of promotion. The first insures tlu; safety of the 
 l)asseng'crs and the ship, and the other, the continued 
 F(H*\ices of eilicient oflicers. I accepted Stra^^lash's offer 
 of a Beat with ^rcat pleasure, and we Boon fell into con- 
 
 thev (h 
 
 • 
 
 oil.U'ht 
 be kcji 
 men, 1 
 docs a 
 by cut! 
 ]f voii 
 ar(; tal 
 or of a 
 but mi 
 others 
 
 <lo(\S ; 
 
 or Wo, 
 
TTOMEWAr.D r.orxD. 
 
 79 
 
 rorsation npnn ilio sultjcot of llio servico ho was onp>'nfi'oil 
 in, aiul lilt' clijiractcr and speed of tlio now stoani(n*s tlio 
 company liad rcccnlly bnill. ' 'I'licy iii-(> capilal ships, 
 sii",' li(( said. ' Yon sec, oi:r Difcctnrs arc jiractical nion, 
 uliilo llioir IkmuI resident c'n<^'inoorj and hn;al manager, 
 aro first-rate jieoplc. 
 
 ' There is a vast dilTeronco in llioir Avay of doin.o,' t]iin.Q,'fl 
 from lliat of llie (j!o\'eiMnneiit. You may liave lieard of 
 llie loss of the '" Transit," an Admiralty sliij). AVcll, sii', 
 we S(^ld her to Ili(> ( Jovernment, and what do yon think 
 llicv dill with her ! Whv, they took her into dock ami put 
 till! masts of a lino-of-haltlo shij)into her, and when they 
 Avent to lak(; her out she was top-heavy, fell over, and 
 smashed in tho roof of a warehouse. Our sailors used to 
 lan,i;'h,and say that she knoekod over a church. !^irCharles 
 ]iloek, Avho made this little mistake, on^^•ht to be a g'ood 
 man, loo, sir, for I lielievc ho has crossed the Channel two 
 or three tim(»s, and 1 am not sure he didn't once ,i;'o as far 
 as Corfn.' 'Then you don't ap))rove,' I 
 First Lord of tho Admiralty hein.L;' a eiviiiaii 
 said, '1 won't s.ay that either, i'erhajis there ou^id to Ik^ 
 one civilian at tho Board ; hut li(^ should he a ])ractical 
 man himself, if not a ship-owner, and ou,L;'ht to coiillno 
 himself t<t tho business jnirt of the department. Navy 
 ollicers, of course, know more about linildin;^', iittinpf, and 
 sailing; a <hip than others; bnt they live so much at sea 
 tluy don'l know enou.u'h of the liiisinoss part of it. which 
 ou.u'ht to bo left to landsmen. TIh^ two branches slioidd 
 ho ke])t separate. Leave nautical matters to nautical 
 men, but linaneial and similar matters to civilians. What 
 does a country o'ontliMnan know of len<'"lhonin<4' a vessel 
 
 4' n o n 
 
 by cuttin*;' her in two, or razeeing- a linivof-battle ship :* 
 If yon converses with him about a padtllc. ho thiid\S you 
 aro talkin.i;' of a horse's pace, and calls it bad action; 
 or of a {^ciru\ he applies tho remark to an old s<'asoned, 
 but unsound animal, and lells you he ))refors him to 
 others for work. In short, ho is all abroad. And what 
 »lo(^s an admiral know of UKM'hanics' wages, dnties, 
 (>r W(jrk, or of contracts for Imildinp;, fur furnishing 
 
 said, 'of the 
 ' ^ Well,' h(^ 
 
 \ 
 
 \< - 
 
 \: ' 
 
 . « 
 
80 
 
 THIC SEASON-TICKKT. 
 
 irifitovlnlfl, or Rnp])Hcs? It is on!}- whon llicy slop out 
 of their own rcsjicclivt; lines llicy |j,'o wron^'*. Hotli do 
 lliis occasionally, and both <;'ot into a Tn(!.ss.* 'Excuse 
 me,' 1 said, 'for interru]»tin_L!,' you, but who is that 
 f^Centlenian talkiuL;' to the Connnodon? ; he looks to nu^ 
 lik(» a cleri^'yinan'.'" 'So ho is,' said v^tra.^lush; 'ho is 
 the Rector of Doekport ; his name is Merrit, but he is 
 better known as Old Knf]land; he can never remain con- 
 tented at hoin(; for any l(Mif^'tli of time, and is always 
 callin,!;' upori others to do his work for him ; so they ^'ave 
 liim that nickname, because ''Kn^iand exj^ects every 
 man to do hia dutv." " Ah," said he to me on(^ dav, 
 '• Strap,'lash, how 1 should like to be chaplain to this shi[) I 
 It is just the parisii to suit me exactly — 150 feet lon^u', 
 GO feet widii — no marryino;-, do christening,', no cate- 
 <!hisin|L^ children, no dissenting' ministers to drift across 
 your hawser, no runnin*;' about U, visit the sick as they 
 ar(^ all in (jne ward, and no superintending; schools and 
 (luarrelling* about the books to be used in them. It's 
 just th(i place where 1 could be useful, and not be 
 exiiausted with labour. ^ly work is now so hard I am 
 oblig'ed to keep constantly trav(>lling' to recruit my 
 Btren<j,"lh. How 1 coul I devote all my energ'ies to my 
 duty, and jierform it (piickly and qui(^tly ! It is a great 
 matter to be (piit of wardi'us, church-rates, and vestry 
 m(M'tinii"s. 1 siiould like to be a chaplain aiiiiizini^'lv. 1 
 wonder tiio com[»any don't mami,i;'e to have one." \.\\\ is 
 a very aiiiusinu,' man, sir; it's worth your while to talk' 
 to him, for he is full of anecdote, and takes orig-inal \iews 
 of (n-erything-. lie is always takin<>' a ris(M)ut of the 
 oil Commodon^ when lui meets him, and I have no 
 doubt he is pokin.i;- his fun at him now. You know 
 Captain IJivers has l)een at sea ever since he was a littki 
 boy, and has been in the service of this Company from 
 sis ■conmienceinent ; of course he has mi.'t a vast number 
 4jf peophi in his day, and perhaps he h;is a lavo-cr uc(]uainl- 
 fin"; iium almost any man afloat. J.ately his memory is 
 iiffectid by flu*'-, and he thinks he kiK/WS overvbodv. 
 iMi^-laud j!jJ J were talkhi;^' the other day about thu 
 
 J 
 
IIO^IEWARD ROUND. 
 
 81 
 
 my 
 •at, 
 
 I'V 
 
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 I 
 
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 ilk 
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 li(^ 
 
 IK) 
 
 < i\V 
 
 11.' 
 
 IS 
 
 JiMssian navy, \y\u'\\ IIk; ('omniodoro joinod in tlm mn- 
 \('rsiilii»ii. S<», s:iys llii; parson (^iviiiL;' me a \vink at 
 i\\v. liiiic), " Kivi-rs, did you ^'vcr incct in your 1i'a\fls, 
 Caplain Cnl-cni-oir-jail >' •' Cnl-cm-olT-iaii— ('nt-cni- 
 olY-tail," Hnid the Coiiiiiiodor.', '• let nic si-c.'' And Ik? 
 |.nl Ills liaiid to liis iorclicad. '• Oil, yes," he said, '• 1 
 know liiin ; lie t'oinniandcd a lorl, in the \\ liito Sea, wlicu 
 I was tiicrc in \\\v Frcchoottr, iVoni iliill — oli, of coni'sc, 
 .1 know liiin \\v\\ — a jolly I'dlow ho Mas loo, bnl a devil 
 1o drink lirandy." " Von ;iro mistaken," said Old Kn.i;'- 
 Itind, "ho is in IIk* na\y." '^ \'ou {\\c ri.L;lit," i'eplie(l 
 llie Connnodonv "Ik; commanded a ihree-deeker a*. 
 SeltasiopnI. I ihon.iAlil, 1 reeolIeetiMl his name — no, 1 
 don't know him ))erson;dly, luil 1 have (•I'teii he.-n'd of 
 liiiii. 'I'lieiv names arc ho (pioc-r, they conruso a 
 iellow."' 
 
 l(esumin,u' our former lopic, ' What is IIk^ reiison,' 
 1 said, ' the Admiralty has such dil'llenlly in manniii;^' 
 llie navy, "while you retain yonr men from year to yeai", 
 ami liiid it so easy to <^'et additional hands when you 
 re(|nin! them Z' ' Then^ are many reasons,' he repheij, 
 ' hut the Admiralty is either i.^'Uorant ol" tlieni, or won't 
 h( lieve them. The main eaus(; is that tla; men are not 
 Avell used, either by llu^ country, or on hoard ship, and 
 llie consefpience is, Ili(^ service is mipopular. When a 
 war oeeuis, <!very inducement is liehl out to sailors 1o 
 niter, and i»s soon as it is ov(U' they ai'e ]iaid olT, and 
 luriied adrift lo shift I'oi" t i:enisei\ cs. Tliev ai'e di-- 
 cliar-^'ecl in such niunhers, the hdioui* market is ,i;'lutted ; 
 they can't readily Jind eiuployment, and lher(i is much 
 sulteriu,^-. Many of them (piitr the eoiudry iu <lis.L;ust, 
 and all resolve lo have iiotliin;;* furthei* \n do with Hit 
 iia\y, which, while it almost ilisipialilies them froii 
 entering- merchant ships (for tiien; is a feelin^iv a;;'ain- 
 iinployiu;:;' nien-of-war sailors), recn;;-nises no claim - 
 censicleration uu account (tf j>ast services in the hour of 
 need. There .arc other reasons also. They are oft( n 
 away on <listant Nctya.^'cs, separated froiu tiieir familien 
 iiiid friends, for a \<:yy l(-)n^' period, and not allowed 
 
 % 
 
 I 
 
 ^\\ 
 
 ' i 
 
 k 
 
82 
 
 THE SEASON-TIC KKT. 
 
 tlioRo in(lnl,G;oncoR on slioro iliat tlioy fiLtain in flio 
 morcaiitilo iiiariiic. No man will lirar iliis from ciioicc, 
 nor will lio voluHlnrily submit to tla^ strict (liscii>linc of 
 a mau-of-war, imlcss f^n*eat ]K'ciiniary a<lvaiita^cR are 
 licld out to him. tJnck is not tlio thoii,i;-lill('SS fellow lio 
 used to 1)0, ;ui(l lie can (lis(in<;'nish between necessary 
 and arbitrary discipline as Avell as bis sniieriors. Ifcnce, 
 lb(» dilllcnlty some ofTieers find iii ol)iainin;i; acrew, wliik; 
 otliers can num their shii)s with comparative ease. The 
 character of vvavy captain in the navy is jjcencrally 
 known at all thfi gTcat seaport towns in the king'dom; 
 and if any one is a tyrant, Ik; cannot coin))lete a cnjw 
 without obtaining- drafts from other Khii)S. When a 
 case of tliis kind occurs, it ou,L;'ht to b(^ the <hity of tlu; 
 adjuiral on the station to in([uire into it ; and if, wherc^ 
 sailors are not scarce, men decline to enter a ])articukir 
 ship, and their refusal can be traced satisfactorily to 
 this ause, that eircutnstii ncc; ou;;'ht to disqualify the; 
 caplain from bein.u,- furll.cv eiii))loy(Hl. It would bo a 
 lon^' story to (Uiter mtf) ("lelails, but there are miuiy 
 vWwv reasons ot a similar churacter to those I ha\e 
 mentioned. i)nr Wnwjj; is certain, if men were as well 
 ]);iid, found, and trenled in Ili(» navy as in merchant 
 ships, and received similar iiulul;^*en(*e when in port, 
 they would sooner ent(»r it tlian the other, /or the work is 
 ftiv lifjlttn-. If they refuse, then some one or more, or 
 all of these conditions do not exist. Don't look for 
 remote causes, take ol>ioas ones. If the service is 
 nnpo|)ul;ir, then; is a reason for it. Ask the sailor him- 
 M>lf why he ileelines, and bo \vill assi,i;'n some of the 
 ((bjections 1 have; mnlioned; but tin; last man to 
 ''xamine on IIk^ su.bjecit is an oflicer. If tlu; shoe 
 j)inches, the sufferer can point to the teudi-r spot better 
 than any one else. Don't treat a sailor like a horse, and 
 try with a hammer where the nail ])ricks him, but ask 
 him to ])Ul his lin^'cr on it, and then draw it out. It is 
 in vain to jauup a ship, unless you stop the leak, or sho 
 will lill again innnediately. 
 
 ' It reminds me of ta trick I once sav/ pl.ayed upon u 
 
IIOMEWATJD nO'L'NT). 
 
 83 
 
 Coii])le of Irislirnou in Boston Ilurboiir, ^vlirn T was ihoro 
 ill the "Europa" mail stcamor. Two ('iiiig-rants went 
 on l)oar(l of a lisliing" schooner that was lyin^L;- there, ami 
 ai'iili(.'(l for work. Tiiey were told tliere was nothing* 
 for tliem to do, and were entreated to g;o away. JJnt 
 llicy wonldn't take no for an answer, and the men on 
 lioaid, finding they eonldn't ^'•ct rid of llicm, set tiiem 
 \() work, and tohl Ihcm if they wonld })nnip the vessel 
 (hy tliey would ;j,*ive them a dollar apiee(\ but that they 
 would have to keep at it incessantly, or they couldn't do 
 it. Well, the IrishnuMi commenced in earnest, and 
 worked away with all theii* mi,i2;ht ; and the sailor.^ 
 leiivin^j^ them to finish their job, land(Ml jind went into 
 the town. Thr(>e or four hours afterwards, the Caj'tain 
 c;mie on bojird and found the poor fellows almost dead 
 wilh fati/^iie, and iiKjuired of them what they weni at. 
 When they iuforme(l him of the baru'ain they had made, 
 he almost laughed himself into fits. The vessel, it seems, 
 had a false iloor, and between the brittom and that, the 
 s|)ac(! was filled with water, by means of holes near the 
 keel, to g-ive a continued su))ply to the fish ihu ^•. :-re 
 brought alive in that manner to the market. Of w/Urse 
 it flowed in as fast as they drew it; and they wonld 
 have had to pump Boston harbour dry before they could 
 fre(» the vessel. It was the greatest case of sell, I 
 think, I ever saw. 
 
 ' That is pretty much the case with tlie inquiry the 
 l')(>ard of Admiralty make about manning" the navy. 
 They must g'o to th(» bottom of the thing. They must 
 ascertain th* cause of the repug'uance sailors entertain 
 to the service ; and having (Usi'overed and removed that, 
 they V\'ill base more volunteers than they re((uirc, and 
 every shi[) will luive a picked crew. Competitive ex- 
 amination may b(^ a gtMnl thing, sir, but believe m(% 
 common siuise is far better.' But, rising- abruptly, he 
 said: * Here we are, sir, at " Th(} Needles;" excuse mo 
 if you itlease; we must have our eyes out here. It 
 won't do to have tlu; same old story of collision.' Each 
 Well-known object, as wc passed it, afforded a subject 
 
 
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 t' 
 
 t 
 
 it;' 
 
 •J . 
 
 ': I 
 
 .i 
 
 •J 
 
 ^1 
 
u 
 
 THE SEA SON-TIC KKT. 
 
 for remark; but cniitiinions conversation (as is always 
 the case towards tlie termination oi" a \ oyajj-e) was at 
 an end. 
 
 I Rafely landed at Sonlhanii.ton. To-morrow I Iiopc 
 to avail myself of my Season Ticket. 
 
A TUAIN OF THOUGHT, r.TC. 
 
 8r) 
 
 •a 
 »c 
 
 No. IV. 
 
 J I 
 
 <A THAIN OF TIIOUGTIT, AND THOUGHTS IN A TRAIN.' 
 
 irr.iiK I am at last at Soutliamplon, aftor my Irish 1ri|>; 
 but imliko most tourists I am not content. T liavo 
 travolleil so much of late years, tliat restlessness, lik(» 
 tlio j)oHceman, admonislies me to 'move on.' 1 sliall 
 now use my Season Ticket, A''*i"o ^H^ t*> London one day 
 and returning- Iho next. It will give mo what I reiiuin? 
 — cliange of scene and amusemenl. I cannot yet s(;ttle 
 down to any occupation ; but tiiis <laily ntutino will soou 
 become wearisome, and wlien 1 aiu tired of it I sliidl bo 
 coutent to bo stationary. I do not call it travelliiii;-; it 
 does not deserve to be digiiilied with such a name. It 
 is taking a daily drive with new com])anions; it is a 
 mere change of place and associates. Travelling is a 
 far more comprehensive term, and is uuderlaken for 
 very different objects, and very different reasons. Some; 
 go abrojid, not to gain information, l)ut because others 
 go, and they consider it chsgraceful not to have seen as 
 nmch as their neighbours. In like manner, few ])eoplo 
 read 'l""*radise Lost,' for any other reason than that they 
 feel ashamed to confess tluMr ignorance and want of 
 ai)preciation of the ])oem. ]\Ien do not like to be con- 
 sidered heretics, and are therefore compelled to conf»)rm 
 to the received o|)inion, instead of (;onfessing the 
 dilllculty they have had in wading through the beauties 
 of Milton. If they dared to do so, tlu^y would say they 
 inllnitely preferred Jludii>ras; but alas! they have not 
 courage to speak the truth. To jieoplo of this descrip- 
 tion, 'The (irand Tour' is a 'customs duty,' that must 
 be paid, like the Income or Property Tax. It is an 
 incident of station. There is nothing in the prospect, 
 
 ■I: 
 
 
86 
 
 Tlir. SF.AbON-TICKl.T. 
 
 l)ut lioat or cold, fatio-no or (lisaii|ioiiifm(n(, (>xtortion or 
 voldu'iv; I'lul inns, IkuI IkmIs, and wnrse attcinlancr ; 
 Itad roads, liad wines, and a lon^* cataln^'iK' oF various 
 sull'crin^'s, haunl tliciu like lUK-asy dreams. Jint tliey 
 liaM' no option; l;-() lliey mnst, or Im; sel down as 
 nobodies, or liir(twn out in conversation. It won't tlo 
 liow-ii-days to say ' l'!n;^'laiid is ^-ond enough l'(U' lue.' 
 It may, indee<l, l)e L;'oodc'nou;4'li for you, hut //ow (ire not 
 (/(xkI <u(nii//i J'or if, uidess you liavc been abroad. The; 
 Kcbooliuaster has ;;'one ther*', so you nuist loilow liini. 
 
 Wlicn iteopie niariT, lashioii ordains that tiiey sliouitl 
 make a weddin,L;' tour. Sonic^ ^'o to Ireland (it is a pity 
 iuohmIo not follow tiieir example), and some t(» Paris; 
 \\hile others foel tliut a trip up the KMuik! is more desi- 
 rable, bccauso they can thtui undcrstaml Albert Smith, and 
 jiscertain whether thcd'erman they huvc le::rned at school 
 at all resembles what is spoken by tluMnhabitants. If 
 liicsi^ newly marrieil persons really love each other, they 
 can hav(^ l)Ut little inclination for si;^-ht-seein,L;' ; and if 
 they don't, both matrimony and its inevitable tour nuist 
 be }4'reat bores. 
 
 In my f)pinion, custom ha.; ordainetl it ratlier as a 
 )(Mian(;e than a jtleasure, for it has in ^'eneral m(>rcifully 
 imited its duration to a monlli. Then! is a ])rescribed 
 course that nnist l)o followed. J-'olly ])resides at the 
 arran;;"ements, and re^'ulates the ceremony. There is a 
 well-dressed mob in the chiu'ch, and a badly-(h'essed one 
 at th(Mloor; there is a crowd of bridesmtiids, and another 
 of ^'roomsmen, whiK; two or thnu* cler<4"ymen assist th(» 
 overtasked 1>ishop in a laboi'ious sorvic(» that extends to 
 the extraordinary len<j,-th of lifteen minutes. Th(! bells 
 rill,*;' a merry ju'al, so loud and so joyous, one can scarcely 
 believe they could ever toll. Ther(» Jire heaps of (orna- 
 ments, instead of sim|ilicity, and heaps of dresses and 
 their concomitants, m deliaiice of the injunction a^'ainst 
 * outward adornini;' or plait iuL;" the ball', and of wearin;;; 
 of g'old, and j)nttin^' on of apparel.' 'J'here are also lots 
 of ^'ossip amon;^' yonny' spinsters, and of envy amoii"^ 
 those of a certain i\<^o. Tlie bride is loudly praisetl and 
 fluttered; but it is fjumetimes wliispercd she is fc»acrilicin;r 
 
 a tai 
 
 spec 
 
 and 
 
 trun 
 
 tliiii 
 
 loHt 
 
 lie 
 
A THAIN or TIIorOIIT, KTC. 
 
 87 
 
 lirrf?f'lf to a Btniiid oM millionaiiv, or, wliat is no los.q 
 (!('pli)r;ililt\ parliii,L;' with licr own lar^c ft)rtun(s to n -ild 
 a taniisluMl {'nroiict. The ih'jcumv follows, with its (iiill 
 h|)1'(-'c1m's, some of which draw tears, lunl others hhislics; 
 and tiiL'ii conicH tho incvitahic tour. Thcro aro new 
 trunks, new (h'cssini^-cascs, and new ('(juii)[i<;c8. Every 
 thiu,i;' is new — they ou.L;lit to lu* so, for they arc to last a 
 loM^' tiin(». It is a pity the lirid(\t;*rooni is not new idso. 
 lie is a <;-of»d deal worn ; liut tlion, he is well ^ot up, and 
 looks as fresh as ever. The happy pair aru united at 
 last, tears and Uissert are mingled. 
 
 Mixtures are apt to he eloudy or discolouHMl, and the 
 einrent of true love docs not alwavs rini smooth — ;it 
 least i)oets say so, an<l tiny, like painters, an? always 
 true to nature, when they eoj»y it. 'i'lie experlene(» of 
 others is of little value, and we ail hope to he exeejttioiis 
 to (general rules. Smack 
 
 o ih(» winps, anil away lly 
 the horses — the hajtpy couple eonunence their wedding* 
 toiu'. They will not icceivi* company for bouio time, so 
 we shall not intrude further upon them. 
 
 This is the fashion — and fashion must 1)0 obeyed : tlio 
 hi;;h and tiaMow, the rich and the j>oor, conforn^ to it. 
 Kven the American ne,L;*ro ajx's his hettiM's. When I was 
 [\\ tlie National Hotel at JJaltimore, Jackson, tlu; Mack 
 l>utler ((icneral Jackson, as la; was called) was married 
 with much ])omp and ceremony to iMiss Venus (;ato — 
 hoth were slaves. 'J'he wecldin;^" feast was liberally pro- 
 vided l>y the; landlord, and the lod^'crs all attendt^d to do 
 lionour to tJj(; faithful servants. At its clos(», a carria^(» 
 ilrovo to the <loor, and, to my astonishment, conveye(l 
 away the smilin;^" and happy bride. ' Why, (General,' I 
 said, 'what is tlie meaning- of :dl this.' \\ iiy don't you 
 accompany yinir wife /' ' Massa,' he said, ' you know dc; 
 (piality all take d(? tinirr when dey is married; so as I 
 can't 1)0 spared (for as me and massa keeps (lis hotel, wo 
 must attend to our business ; dat ar a fac), 1 tou^ht I'd 
 send Miss Weiius by herself to tak(; her tower, an enjoy 
 hers(.'lf. I wouldn't 'prive her of <]at pleasun* for not hen 
 in de world. 1 bcuni u mean acli"ii as 1 docs a wliito 
 tM-rvanl.' 
 
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 IMAGE EVALUATION 
 TEST TARGET (MT-3) 
 
 
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 / 
 
 
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 i^.. 
 
 y^ 
 
 i/.x 
 
 
 
 1.0 
 
 I.I 
 
 1.25 
 
 IIIIIM 
 
 
 
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 1.4 
 
 2.0 
 
 1= 
 
 1.6 
 
 V 
 
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 Photographic 
 
 Sdences 
 Corporation 
 
 23 WEST MAIN STREET 
 
 WEBSTER, NY. 14580 
 
 (716) 872-4503 
 
88 
 
 TITE SEA SOX-TICKET. 
 
 Povliapp, aftor nil llioro is somo ponso in T\'C(ldin,G^ 
 tours. At first, llu; iitl(Miti(jii oi" iho. li;4)[)y i)air is dniwii 
 from oncli ot^^n* by change of scoiio, and afterwards 
 l)y tli(3 duties of life. It l(3ts them down easily. It is 
 a dissolving view, that imperceptibly discloses a stern 
 reality. 
 
 Then there is travelling on business. This is work, 
 and not pleasure. The horse does the same ; lie per- 
 forms his daily stage, and returns to his stall at night ; 
 but neither he nor his driver are mucli the wiser for the 
 journey — it must Ix; done, and what is compnlsoiy is 
 always irksome. There is, also, an absconding trip by 
 the night express train to the Continent, which promises 
 so much immunity, that a return ticket is unnecessary. 
 ]Men Avho live too fast, are apt to take sudden journeys, 
 and travel post haste. It is an Israelitish exodus. The 
 Egyptians arc plundered before the llight, and left to 
 mourn the spoils that were obtained from them und(n' 
 false pretences. The sea is |)laced between the fugi- 
 tives and their ]-)ursuers. The air of France is more 
 suited to complidnts of the chest, than that of England. 
 It is vulgar economy to avoid incurring debts, tru(3 
 Avisdom consists in (n^ading their payment. ]\[any a. 
 debtor is whitewashed by a soj(^urn on the other sid(! of 
 ihe Chaimel. When he lands, lie has a receipt in full for 
 all past liabilities. Several Erench towns arc honoured 
 by this class of travellers; and their conduct and 
 ciiaracter are such as to in\(^ foreii>*ners a very exalted 
 o|)inion of 'Milord Anglais.' Their expatriai'on is a 
 strong proof of their ])aternal affection, for the reason 
 generally assigned for their (>xile is, tliat they may obtain 
 a suitable education for their children. They avoid the 
 society of those they knew at home, for recognition in- 
 variably brings i)ainfnl renKMubrances ; but they are 
 liosi)ital)le and considcn'ate to their young and rich 
 count ryuKMi who visit them, and show them practically 
 the danger of gaml)lhig, by lirst winning their money, 
 and then console them, by pointing out how fortunate 
 they have been in not falling into the clutches of foreign 
 professional sharpers. In return for all these dehcate, 
 
 but \\ 
 
A TRATX OF TTTOTTlIIT, T.TC. 
 
 89 
 
 1ml most useful atlontions, tlic only favonr (and tliat irt 
 .'I very small one) Avliicli lliey condescend to ask or re- 
 ceive, is to have a bill cashed on their banker, C. Stuart, 
 Ks(|., No. 1, Cockspnr-street. The travellers arc well 
 ])leased to accommodate their hospitable English friends 
 in such triilin_G,' matters ; it is the oidy compensation they 
 can make for their kindness, and for the visit they have 
 rendered so agreeable. What could they have done 
 Avithout these residents, for they were unable to under- 
 stand the natives, and the French never speak Engdish i 
 The money is paid and received, as a matter of course, 
 and when the bill is presented, the enlightened tourist 
 iinds that C. Stuart is the bronze statue of Cliarles thi^ 
 First, which obstructs and disfigures Charing Cross ; 
 that a bankrupt king midvcs an hidiffercnt banker, and 
 that worldly wisdom can be acquired in London as 
 easily, and far more cheaply than either at Nice or 
 Jjoulogne. 
 
 Yankee travellers are not so easily taken in. As they 
 say of themselves, with great complacenc}", 'they have 
 cut their eye teeth.' ' You might as well try to catch a 
 weasel asleep as to find them napi)ing.' 'You can't 
 draw the wool over their eyes.' 'They were ]iot born 
 yesterday.' ' They are wid(3 awake.' 
 
 These and many other elegant phrases of the same 
 description indicate at once their superiority over Bri- 
 tishers and their contempt for them. 
 
 These Eng-lish absentees and Yankee bagmen, are the 
 scum of Great Britain and America, that lloats on the 
 surface of the Continent. They are avoided by the elite 
 of both countries, and must not be considered as types 
 (if either nation. The former go abroad to avoid the 
 ]»ayment of debts; tlu; latter to incur exiienditure th(.'y 
 cannot afford, and both bring- discredit on their country- 
 mcn. These Yankee tourists thoroughly enjoy the tri[) 
 to Europe. They set apart as large a siun of money for 
 the inu'posc as is compatible with safety, and when that 
 is exi)ended they return to AuKU'ica. It is a matter of 
 i!idiff(^)"ence whether this ha})pens in thnn; or in six: 
 months. Money is no ol)ject, credit is capital— as long 
 
 4 
 
 
 V * i ; 
 
 - . ■ 
 
 
 , f * * » 
 
 
90 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 as one lasts tlio othor nbonrids. If tlioy cannot afford 
 the expense, some one else can. John Bull will 'do, or 
 die ;' Jonathan will ' do, or break.' That is the dilTer- 
 ence between a liig'h and a low tone of principle. To 
 die in the pursuit of any object is sheer folly. To fail, 
 and then to try iif^^ain, is worldly wisdom. A good 
 l)ankrupt law is a great blessing; there is no sponge 
 like a judicial one. It effaces all scores ; it gives a clean 
 Blate to recommence addition and multiplication ; it pre- 
 vents total annihilation. Instead of utterly ruining one 
 merchant, it diffuses the loss over a great multitude of 
 traders and manufacturers who have no reason to com- 
 plain, because allowance is made for bad debts in their 
 prices. The world is merely a large mutual insurance 
 association, which sustains individual losses, and pays 
 the amount out of the premiums re]5resented by their 
 gains. To ])ay a dividend is more honourable than to 
 repudiate a debt. The importer can afford to fail,whilc the 
 loss falls on the ' soft-horned' manufacturer, who resides 
 at Manchester, Ik'lfast, or Glasgow. The Americans, 
 therefore, spend freely. A hotel-keeper, at Liverpool, 
 once "told me he regarded them with unbounded ad- 
 miration ; he said they were model travellers, for they 
 never examined the items of a bill — they merely looked 
 at the end of it to ascertain what Joseph Ilurne used to 
 call 'the tottlc of the hull,' and then, in the most gen- 
 tlemanlike manner, gave a cheque for the amount. They 
 go in pursuit of pleasure, and, cost what it may, they 
 are determined to enjoy themselves. It is a great relief 
 to get out of a country that labours under the infliction 
 of a Maine Liquor Law. It is irksome to keep up the ap- 
 })earance of morality in deference to a public opinion 
 which will tolerate an offence, but has no sympathy 
 with detection. Once on the ocean, the jurisdiction of 
 the People's Court ceases, and the unwilling slave of 
 custom asserts his freedom. He drinks, he gambles, 
 and becomes a /(/,^i indu. lie does not remain long' ii| 
 England; for though he considers himself equal to tho 
 oldest peer of tho realm, his claim is unfortunately not 
 recognized, and he quittj tho country in dit;guist. Uu- 
 
A TRAIN OF TnOUCTIT, KTC. 
 
 91 
 
 foro he leaves it, however, as he is a sig*lit-soor, if tliero 
 is a levee, he attends it, and is enabled on his return to 
 boast of the honour of knowin<^' tlie Queen. His patron, 
 llie Minister, is dressed like a butler, and sometimes 
 mistaken for one, while he, as his prof('ge, assuming" that 
 the rule which dispenses in the case of Republicans with 
 a court suit, is an evidence of royal submission to presi- 
 dential orders, dresses himself accordingly, and resem- 
 bles a shopman in holiday attire. A snob is always an 
 object of aversion, but a Yankee snob is detestable. He 
 has no pretension to be jn'escnted, for even in his own 
 country he is not one of the 'upper ten thousand;' but 
 his junbassador dares not refuse him an introduction, for 
 he has intluence if not position, and in reveng-e will pro- 
 claim him, on his return home, throughout the leng-tii 
 and breadth of America, to be an aristocrat. He has 
 more privileges than an Eng'lishman in this respect ; 
 but, alas! they are more political than social; he can 
 intrude into the presence of ro3''alty, but he cannot force 
 himself mto society. He, therefore, goes to France, 
 where Yankee pronunciation passes for good EngUsh, 
 where people are too accustomed to boasthig, to be dis- 
 gusted at his exaggeration, where monarchical principles 
 have no root, and where everybody will agree with him 
 in abusing the Enghsh. Society is freer and looser 
 there, than either in Great Britain or the United States. 
 People live in hotels and dine in public, as in America. 
 They have social hberty, though not poUtical ; and in 
 his own country he has neither. He has not the first, 
 because the form of Puritanism, which has survived the 
 spirit, exacts implicit uniformity in appearance ; nor has 
 he political freedom, because he must either belong to 
 one or the other of two factions, or be squeezed to death 
 by their pressure. AVhatever intervenes between scissors 
 is cut in two. France, therefore, presents every attrac- 
 tion that he values. Wine, wit, and women — what a 
 trio ! Wine he can taste and appreciate, most ])robal)ly 
 lie has dealt in it, and made money in tlie traffic. AVit 
 when badly translated (for he is a poor French scholar), 
 degenerates into a pun whicli he can compreliend, or is 
 converted into humour, for v^hioli he hay a decided turji, 
 
 I 
 
 '} 
 
 i-^';} 
 
 < « 
 
 •-T-* 
 
 
92 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 and lie on joys it iiiifommoiily. Froncli women onclmnt 
 liiiii. Tlioy liavc not \\\(}. viauvcmr, Jiontc of tlio Englisli, 
 or llio coldness of the American ladies. They can con- 
 verse in a way to charm him, and as love is the end and 
 aim of tlieir lives, if tliey do not warm under its iniJn- 
 ence, they are so well versed in theatricals they can act 
 tlieir part most admirably. Paris is only a portion, bnt 
 not the whole of Enrope. Time flies, but money makes 
 wing's to itself, and iiies faster. If he is to see more 
 llian that great city, he must be up and doing. He is off 
 for the Rhine, or Italy. Luggage is inconvenient. Two 
 (•arpet bags tied together, and united by a strap to a hat 
 box, are all he reqnires for his expeditious journe3\ You 
 may meet him with others of his countrymen in one of 
 the river steamers ; you cannot mistake him, for he is 
 distinguishable from every other passenger. He is a 
 tall, spare man, with a narrow chest, a long neck, and 
 a gait that is a singular mixture of a strut and a slouch. 
 Ilis complexion is sallow, his cheeks hollow, his eyes 
 bright, but sunken, and his hands small, thin, and ter- 
 minating in long, taper, consumptive-looking fingers, of 
 a colour that exhibits the effects of a contempt for gloves 
 or soa]:>. His hat is unbrushed and rests on the back of 
 his head, his liair is long, lank, and uncared for, while 
 his face is shaggy, aiul his beard untrimmed. 
 
 An Englishman has an open countenance, guarded by 
 great reserve of manner ; his is the reverse. It is not 
 ingenuous or frank; but he converses freely, and is 
 ready to talk with any one he meets. He is devoted to 
 Bacchus and backy. He prepares, in honour of the first 
 as many compounds as an apothecary, and burns incense 
 continually to the second. He expectorates incessantly 
 (I use that expression, because I do not like the common 
 term) to the annoyance and evident danger of every one 
 around him. Bragging never fatigues him ; but as this 
 is generally a matter of comparison he makes it more 
 odious by disparaging everything out of his own cou^i- 
 try. A friend of mine lately steamed up the Thames 
 with one of these gentry when he was in this agreeable 
 mood. When they arrived off Woolwich he pointed to 
 q, line-of-battlc ship anchored there, and said, ' What da 
 
A TPvAIX OF THOUGHT, KTC. 
 
 03 
 
 yon cc[]\iJiat?' 'That is the Drcadiiong-lil,' Avas the 
 roply, 'ail old man-of-war, but now used as a receiving' 
 ship.' 'All,' he said, ' wo raise cabbages in the States 
 as big" as that f/ifi/r/J 
 
 Proceeding- farther up the river they ciime o]">posi((j to 
 the T^pviathan, which Avas just ready to 1)0 launched, 
 when ho put a similar question as to her. ' AVhat do you 
 call that?' 'That,' said my friend, 'is a great iron 
 ]\ettlo wo arc building to boil the Yankee cabbages in.' 
 ' Stranger,' he replied, with a loud laugh, ' I guess you 
 wern't born in the woods, to bo scared by an owl, was 
 you? AW'll, that ere sliijo is as big as all out doors, 
 that's a fact.' 
 
 Of the quality of land ho is a good judge ; but he is 
 iinlifferent to the beauties of nature ; ho ascends tho 
 Jihiiio that ho may have the opportimity of boasting of 
 a larger American river. The scenery, he says, is not 
 iv-oi'th looking at, it is so inferior to that of the liudson. 
 So he takes off his hat, and extracts from it a pack of 
 cards, seats himself in the first vacant place, and com- 
 mences playing with some vagrant countryman a game 
 at ecarte, which is enhghtencdby sundry expressions of 
 triumph or disappointment, that are as unintelligible to 
 you as to the Germans. You meet him again at Kome, 
 where you see him coolly Avails up to one of his count ry- 
 nieii, and, taking his cigar out of his mouth, light his 
 own by it, romarldng, at the same time, that 'he knew 
 he was an American as soon as he saw him,' a discovery 
 which, no doubt, many others had made before him. 
 AVhen ho returns to his native land his friends are able 
 to appreciate 
 
 * How mucli a donkey that has been to Rome 
 Excels a donkey that is kept at home.' 
 
 Then there is the scientific traveller, who writes un- 
 readable books which arc illustrated, not with sketches, 
 but unpronounceable words of Greek compounds, with 
 Latin epithets — a sort of plated ware, with silver 
 handles. He is to bo found in the mountains or the 
 ravines. He is armed Avitli a hammer, and carries a bag 
 filled w^ith frag-ments of rocks that arc enough to load a 
 
 ' i». 
 
 .. A* ^ \i 
 
 k ^ 
 
 » 1 
 
 •i 
 
04 
 
 THE SEASOK-TICKKT. 
 
 doiikoy. TTg i« silent, distrait, aiul nop,'loctful of liis 
 person. Tlio ])olic(; liavc an eye to liini, as a man cither 
 weak in intcHoct, or assninin.t;' the ai»i)caranc(3 of a f^co- 
 lop;"ist, to disarm snsi)icioii, wliilo ho is intriguin^i^- to 
 overthrow the Government. 
 
 There is also the connoisseur traveller, who criticises 
 pictures, statues, and architectural buildinf^'s in away to 
 astonish alike the learned and the iniinitiated. Publishers 
 tell him his books will not sell, but he knows better, 
 ])rints them at his own expense, and loses money. The 
 only consolation he has is, that he is in advance of the 
 age, and posterity will do him justice. 
 
 But of all travellers, jjerhaps, the John INLurray class 
 is the most numerous. They buy his hand-book that 
 enumerates the churches, hotels, theatres, and museums 
 they have to glance at ; and, when they return, they 
 arc just as wise as if they had studied these manuals 
 and remained at home. The character of the people, 
 their laws and institutions, their system of education 
 and governraent, their taxes, resources, domestic trade, 
 foreign commerce, and everything that is worth knowing, 
 are all omitted. They cannot all be comprised in a five- 
 shilling volume, and it cannot succeed if it is too diffuse. 
 It is the idler's manual : a continental Bradshaw, with 
 letter-press, a distance table with a list of prices and 
 fares, and a catalogue of things to be seen if you have 
 time and inclination. Such travelling, however, is not 
 without its use : if it does not furnish much information, 
 it BuppUes topics of conversation wdien tourists return 
 home. 
 
 The English see more of their own country now than 
 they did before the introduction of railways. They are 
 also more communicative. This is particularly the case 
 on the Southampton line, where there is always a fair 
 sprinklings of }:>crsons who have just returned from 
 abroad, and who freely enter into conversation with 
 their neighbours. Just before I took my departure for 
 London the Pera arrived from Alexandria and Malta, 
 bringing a large number of passengers, some of whom 
 were from Australia and others from India. Most of 
 them retained the dress of their respective countries, 
 
 
A TI^AlX OF TltOtOtlT, I'.tC. 
 
 05 
 
 and the "wliolc formed Rinp,'nlavly pirluroRqno pfronps. 
 Hqyq a man moved about, with an air of iii(l(»p(Mi(l(Mico 
 and self-reliauco, tliat marked th(3 settler in th(> l)ush, 
 who required nothing' tliat he could not do for himself; 
 and there another was assisted ashore, by black attend- 
 ants, without whose aid at every turn he seemed utterly 
 helpless. Maltese dogs, Arab horses, paroquets, cocka- 
 toos, cum multis aliis, were landed in great numbers. 
 They appeared to liavc been put on board in the vain 
 hope that, like the homoeopathic system, one cause of 
 nausea would neutralize another — that a singing in tin; 
 head could be cured by the screams of birds — and that 
 the vermin of a ship could be expelled by introducing 
 animals and birds whose bodies were covered with them. 
 
 A farmer, who stood l)y me on the quay, after gazing 
 in wonder at the singular appearance of these people, 
 their attendants, and living' animals, addressing himself 
 to me, said, ' That vessel, sir, is a sort of Noah's Ark ; 
 for it contains birds, beasts, and all sorts of queer things. 
 As soon as it touches the shore how they rush out, as if 
 delighted to see the land again. There are some things 
 about the ark I never could understand. Can you tell 
 me, why in the world Noah took on board a rat, a 
 weasel, and a turnip-fly, which were sure to destroy his 
 corn, and his green crops ? I'm thhiking they must have 
 got in unbeknownst to him, afore the ark was finished, 
 for he never could have taken them in on i)urpose. The 
 old gentleman, you see, was six hundred years of age at 
 that time, and it is natiu'al to suppose that his eyesight 
 was non(i of the best, especially as glasses hadn't been 
 invented then. I suppose the rats sneaked into the 
 sacks of corn afore they was put on board, and that the 
 Qfj^g of the turnip-fly was concealed in the seed, for 
 Swedes and turnip-flies naturally go together. The best 
 way I knows on to secure the crop, is to take the seed 
 and roll it o^«er ' — 
 
 Here this disquisition was cut short by the rapid 
 passage of a hand-truck, wdiich, striking his legs from 
 under him, rolled him over on it, and carried him off, 
 (minus Lis hat,) sprawhug and roaring-, to the infinite 
 
 
 ■' * 
 
90 
 
 TITE Sr.ASON'-TtCKET. 
 
 amnsomcTit of llic byKtandcrs. ' Take tliui (Ininkcii man 
 olT llio (jiiay,' sliontcd tlio warohouse-kccixT, 'or Ik; will 
 fall into IIk; dock.' rifkiii_<;' up llio poor fellow's lial, I 
 followed tlio ti'iiek; and liaviii,^' released liim from liis 
 iiiil)l(^asant situation, restored it to him, and then, \m)- 
 ceeding" with my friend Cary to the train, set out for 
 London. Kecurring' to tliis ludicrous scene, after we 
 had comfortably seated ourselves in the carriag'c, I 
 remarked that ih^i man was as stupid ii clodhop[)er as I 
 ever saw, but that he M'as not intoxicated, and added, 
 he 'vvas ' as sober as a jnd^u'e.' 'That is rather an eipii- 
 vocal standard,' repHcd (Jary. 'I once heard Lord 
 ])roadlands, who was a, fast man, ask dear old Mr. 
 Justice Mellow^, of convivial memory, if there was any 
 truth in that old saying", "As sober as ;i judg"e ?" It 
 was a good hit, and \vr, all laughed heartily at it. "It 
 is perfectly true," rei>lied the Judge, "as most of thosi; 
 old saws are." Tliey are characteristic, at least; for 
 sol)riety is the attribute of a judge, as inebrietj is of a 
 noblemaji. Thus wo say, "As sober as a judge," and 
 " As drunk as a lordJ^ Mellow was the readiest man I 
 ever knew^; he went on to say, "1 know there are men 
 too fond of the har to sit on the hcnch, and that thei'o 
 ju'e i)(M}rs who richly deserve a drop. The first arc unwor- 
 thy of elevation ; the last seldom get what is their due.'" 
 'Talking- of sobriety,' I said, 'how fares teetotahsm 
 now? for 1 have been so long* out of England, I am 
 hardly aware what progress it has made. Lithe States, 
 the attempt to enforce the Maine Liquor Law has in- 
 creased drunkenness to an alarming degree. At lirst, 
 the legislature lU'ohibitcd the issue of licences for the sale 
 of fermented li(|uors, but this was evaded in every 
 j)ossible way. The striped pig was a very amusing 
 dodge. A man advertised that he was possessed of a 
 singular pig-, Avhich Avas striped lilve a zebra, and that it 
 was to be exhibited under canvas, at a certain price 
 daily. Cro^vds pressed forward to behold this wonderful 
 animal, but every one who entered the tent ui which it 
 was showm, ex])ressed his indignation at having been 
 cheated by the substitution of a common hog, that had 
 
 i' 
 
A lUMi; OF TIIOrr.TIT, T-TC. 
 
 07 
 
 i 
 
 l>;-'f^n sliavc'l and pnii'tod in lonc^-itiitlliial stripos. 'l\\o 
 liccpoi* ft'ip,'n(Hl ix^'vdt rc\u,'r('t at tlio disappointincnt and 
 wMiit of tiisto of tlic spectator!^, and l)i'.L;\^-L'd tliem to 
 ;u'('('i)t a /j,'lass of ruin and a hiscnit, as sonic conipcnsa- 
 liiin for tlio deception. It Avas soon wliispcrcd alxaif, 
 l!iat it "Was an acute evasion. TIk? inoney was paid for 
 ;i ^7V///^ in order to obtain a /^/.s/c; it Avas llie admis- 
 sion ticket tliat was sold, and not the licjnor. " TIk^ 
 l:iw," lie said, '• did not prevent a man from being* liberal 
 to his friends." 
 
 * Another evasion was, to import from tlio adjoininp^ 
 state, wdicro this ri,i;-id law did not })reviiil, a coilin, con- 
 taining; ati,!;'litly-{ittinp^tinl)OX, lilled with])randy. When 
 (Mnpti(Hl of its contents it was supplied with a corpse, the 
 vietini of the poison it had previously cf)ncealed. 'i'o 
 })revent these tricks, all persons were prohibited by pen;d 
 enactments from sellinp;' spirituous liquors, mdess a pro- 
 h'ssional order was obtained, lu'cscribing-it as a medicine. 
 Tlie mere production of the order was declared to be a 
 l)r()tection; but the Act was silent on the subject of tho 
 (|ualification, or the sex of the practitioner, so every man 
 prescribed for his nei,ij;'hbonr, and niu'ses ordered it into 
 every house they attended. In short the law was so 
 loosely worded and so badly am.ended, that as soon as 011(3 
 hole was soldered up, another appeared, and it was never 
 " lirpior-ti.i^'ht." In my opinion it increased the evil it was 
 designed to remedy, by adding to it fraud and hypocrisy. 
 You may induce a man to be temperate by appealin.2^ to 
 liis reason, or bis sense of right and w^rong, but you can 
 never compel him to be so by legal enactments, or pecu- 
 niary penalties. If the line is too large, it creates a 
 sympathy for the offender, and it is paid by subscription ; 
 if too small, it is added to the price of the illicit spirits. 
 If its enforcement violates personal li1)erty too much, and 
 calls in the aid of inquisitorial powers, the executive 
 oiiiccr subjects himself to i)ersonal outrage, and his pro- 
 perty to serious depredations. In several cases, I have 
 knovv'n a temperance hall to be blown up with gunpowder, 
 and in others, maroons to be exploded in the premises of 
 tlio Clerk of the Licences. AVherever tried, such lavrs 
 
 H 
 
 % 
 
 ¥*< 
 
 r 
 
 
 -Jii r 
 
08 
 
 THE sf.ason'-tioki:t. 
 
 li.ivo alwnys fiiilnl to crfccl tlic nlijorl f(ir ^-lilcli tlioy 
 \v(>r(> ciinctcil. Low duties, or I'rco trado, firo the only 
 rlTcchiul checks on siiiii_u\^'liii,i;', and, in lik(! maiuicr, cx- 
 .'ini|)l(3 and jxTsiuision can alone repress int('iii[)eranee.' 
 
 *1 entirely a'-'ree ^vitll a-ou,' said a ii-entlenian avIio sat 
 op|)osit(; to n»e, 'as to llic; inenicacyoi' the American pro- 
 liibitory laws, and of llu; hypocrisy en;;'end(n'ed by coni- 
 ](ellin.i;' ])eo]»lo to take ])l(,'dL;'es to {d)stain from the use of 
 j"erniente(l rujiiors. AVlien 1 was canvassin^i;' the borou.^'li 
 of Sewermouth, durln.^' tlie last ^-eneral election, many 
 of my constituents inipiired of me whether I was in 
 favour of the introduction of tlu; Maine I/K|uor fiaw into 
 this country, and upon my statin,!^' my objection to it. 
 they positively refused to vote for me. At last I caini; 
 to a publican, whose supj)ort 1 felt certain 1 should obtain. 
 *' All, my friend," 1 said, "1 feel as if 1 had a natural claim 
 to your cordial assistance. Every mend)er of the Teni- 
 peranco Society in Sewermouth has declined to votc^ for 
 me, because I will not consent to the introibiction of tin; 
 !Maine Tji(]uor Law; my opinion is, that it is incompa- 
 tible with the liberty of the subject. If you think proper 
 to retail beer or spirits, you have a right as an English 
 man to do so," and so forth, in the nsual electioneering 
 declamatory manner. "Stop, sir," said the publican, "if 
 you please; I will have notliing said in this house against 
 members of Temperance Societies; they arc the best 
 customers I have. AVIumi one of them slips in here on 
 the sly, he throws his ha'pence on the counter, and says, 
 Give me a glass of gin, which he snatches np, without 
 stopping to sec if the glass is quite full, lays his head 
 back, and tosses it off hke whd<y, and then passing his 
 hand over his mouth, this way," (and he suited the ac- 
 tion to the word), "and giving his lips a dry wipe, ho 
 goes to the door, looks cautiously np and down the 
 street, to ascertain that nobody is observing him, and 
 then walks off as innocent as a lamb, feeling good all 
 over, and looldng at peace wdth himself and the Avorld, 
 like a righteous man that is setting a good example to all 
 his neighbours, for conscience sake. But your open 
 audagcous di'am drinkers, sir, set all decency at defiance, 
 
A TRAIN or TIIOU(JIIT, KTC. 
 
 09 
 
 cx- 
 
 Ml, "if 
 
 > 
 
 nnd \)v\(h thomsclvos on thoir in(l(^poii(loiirf'. Wlioa 
 they coinn licrc, tlicy swa^'.^'or in, ;is if they felt tlioy liad 
 a li'Hil t ) drink wliaUsvcr they could pay lor, and wished 
 ;ill tli(3 world to know they would cxcrcisolhat priviloo-c, 
 ill spite of all (lie temperance societies in th(i kinf^-doiii. 
 I liat(; them; I d(jtest them, sir; they are noisy, Muster- 
 in,';', iiiijjudent rascals. Instead of quietly takin;^- their 
 nip, and walkin*^' off about their business, they sit down 
 and jaw all day — there is no gcttinji; rid of them — they 
 (lis.L;'race themselves and bring* discredit on nic aiid my 
 hnsiiiess. Don't say anything against the members of 
 tciiiperancc societies, if you please, sir, for they conduct 
 themselves like gentlemen, and 1 am proud to have such 
 (piiet, decent customers ; they pays as they goes, and runs 
 up no scores. Next to them, sir, I respects servants; 
 tliey are both civil and libend, and act on the ])rincii)lo 
 el' 'live and let live.* Like teetotallers, they study the 
 decencies of life; they get wdiat they want, and don't 
 stay long. In general they comes on business, and merely 
 lakes a glass of som'atwdicn they arc fatigued. Butlers 
 to quality are always real gentlemen, and half the time 
 are better dressed and better mannered than their 
 masters. The busses and the carriers stop here, and in 
 coarse servants nmst come for their parcels. Butlers 
 imd cooks have lots of hampers to send away, and very 
 seldom receives any in return ; a losuig bushiess I 
 should suppose, too, sir," — (and he gave me a wink, 
 \vliieh, to render it quite intelligible, was accompanied 
 with a twitch of the corner of his mouth, and a nod of 
 the head.) " You'd naturally think, sir, it was a trade 
 leading to bankruptcy, with a third-class certificate, 
 wiiliout protection. An export commerce, without an 
 import of the raw material, looks as if the balance of 
 trade was again them, as those upstarts, Cobden and 
 ]>nght say, don't it?" "May it not be," I rei)lied, 
 '• that the export is paid for in hard cash ? " "I didn't 
 think of that," he said, with another arch look ; " but 
 yuu know I never inquires into other folks' affairs — 
 I have enough to do to attend to my own. I don't 
 bulung to the teetotal club, m', tUo' I have a great 
 
 u2 
 
 
100 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 respect for it ; Init I do bclon^^ to tlio ' Anti-polcc-j'Our- 
 noso-into-otlicr-]jeoplc'8-busiiicss Society,' and I liiid it 
 a safe and prolitable consarn. Wlicu those parcels of 
 tlio Liitler and cook arc brought here, as these people 
 iTavc a great deal to do at liomc, and inider ser\ants 
 read addresses, wl\ich leads to gossip, I puts on tlie 
 directions for them, and forwards them. I said tlieso 
 two officials, butlers and cooks, were genteel and honour- 
 able people, sir, and so they arc ; and so are ladies' 
 maids too — I loves them, the dear little creatures, for 
 they is so refined and fashionable — how they perk uj) 
 llieir pretty mouths when they speak, don't they? and 
 mince their words as fne as if a big one would choke 
 tliem, or crack their tender young jaws. They have 
 little secrets of their own, too, and they knows tliey 
 can trust me, tho' I am a single man, so I says notliing 
 furtlier; indeed missises have secrets sometimes as well 
 as they have, at least so then' ladies tells me. Tltc 
 truth is, sh^ this u'orld is a great secret, if ive could omi/ find 
 it out. Upper servants of nobility and gentry bclrivcs 
 well to me, I must say. Instead of making me give 
 them presents, or commissions, they scorns such con- 
 duct, and makes me handsome ackno-\vledgments. It's 
 only tradesmen they taxes, such as butchers, bakers, 
 lishmongers, and grocers. They makes them pay a 
 *nad walorem duty,' as they calls it; and what govern- 
 ment could be carried on without taxes ? AVliy debts, 
 sir, would soon bo repugiatcd, if supplies was sto]ipe<l. 
 Tlieir custom ain't much, to be sure, for they have 
 better licpor at liomc nor I have ; but their friendshij) is 
 valuable as patrons, and they recommends my house to 
 all their visiters, and any little forwardin of exi)orls 
 abroad that I does for them is liberally relumarat(Nl. 
 They sends all their compan^^'s carriages lun'c, with n]i 
 order that their horses should have their corn Avct 
 instead of dry, wdiicli means beer and gin for the 
 coachman, and only hay for their cattle. It is better 
 for both. Dry oats is apt to swell in the stomach of 
 animals that travel fast, and produce inflanmiation ; but 
 liay and water is cooUng', while li(iuor givccj a c|uick eye 
 
 your 
 
 si»irit| 
 
 here 
 
A TIJAIN or THOUGHT, ETC. 
 
 101 
 
 vG-yoiu'- 
 I lind it 
 ircels of 
 
 people 
 icnaiits 
 
 on tlie 
 id tlieso 
 honour- 
 ! ladies' 
 ires, for 
 perk nj) 
 y? and 
 d cholvo 
 'J have 
 vs lliev 
 iotljino- 
 as Avoll 
 . 27ie 
 nnj find 
 )clrives 
 lie give 
 
 Z\\ C0)1- 
 
 =^. It's 
 bakers, 
 
 pay a 
 ;ovei'n- 
 
 debts, 
 :o]i])e(]. 
 '■ iiavo 
 .shij) is 
 )iiso to 
 exports 
 
 1 rated, 
 rith ail 
 u Av<'(; 
 )r the 
 better 
 ach of 
 I ; bnt 
 ;k ejo 
 
 
 and a steady liand to tlic gentleman wliat drives. 
 ' Stout,' says the butler from the Hall up there, to nic 
 tiio other day, when he and his friend from the Castlo 
 dined here, with me, ' Stout,' says he, ' I can't be;ir 
 your wine, j'ou ain't a judge of the article; beer and 
 Sjtirits is more in your line, so I took the liberty to send 
 liorc some old port, wintagc '25, that I ordered yester- 
 day, as a sample to try afore laying it in for our governf>r.' 
 When we was discoursing it artcr dinner, sais he, 
 ' Stout^ I respect ?/oz/. You are a man of great talents, 
 far greater talents than arc a Meux or Ifanbury, or any 
 oilier com})ounder of hops and cocklicus Indigus, that 
 sits in Parliament, and objects to the courts of mar- 
 riage and divorce takijig jurisdiction over adultery in 
 bet'r, and that wants to take duty off paper, (readin 
 being out of their hne,) but won't let farmers malt their 
 own barley. Tliey arc brum by nature, and hndn by 
 occupation. You sec, Mr. Stout (as our governor says, 
 and worry properly too,) we levels down to where wo 
 be, but we don't fill the walleys up to us. It stops tho 
 water courses you see, and breeds a flood ; and wlien 
 the Hoods come, if you haven't any high hills to fly to 
 why you are done f<H', and the fishes get your precious 
 bodies. Now that's the way with them brewers I 
 named ; they sing out for free trade, but buys uj) all 
 the public-houses, and them and their friends won't 
 lieoncc any that won't sell their beer ; they arc hypo- 
 crites and Pharisees that treot publicans that way. 
 Your health, Mr. Stout,' says he, ' how do you like tho 
 flavour of that wine ? it's of the wintagc '25, so marked 
 in tho governor's cellar — ahem ! I mean in tho wine 
 merchant's. It ain't to be sneezed at, is it?' — Then 
 ho held up his glass to the light, ' See,' says he, ' it 
 has the lee in it.' ' The devil it has,' says I ; ' how in 
 the world did it ^q*; in there ? let mo get a teaspoon, 
 and take it out.' To nearly laughed himself on to tho 
 lloor at that ; he wa, hke a horse that has the staggers ; 
 he shook his head, reeled about, and quaked all over. 
 AVHien he recovered, says he, ' Stout, you are a capital 
 actor, that's the best thing I ever heard. As I was 
 
 
 
 # 
 
 
 ¥ 
 
 
 ' % 
 
 
 » ■ » 
 
 t' 
 
 
 M, ml'* ' it . 
 
 tn€^:' ^,y. 
 
 U-liV 
 
102 
 
 TllE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 paying", I respect you : eyes to see, but don't sec ; licars 
 to 'car, but don't 'car ; fingers to pick and pry, but don't 
 pry into -what you ain't wanted to know ; a tongue to 
 speak, but that don't speak ill of your neighbour; a 
 memory to remember what is important to ^'ctain, but 
 that can forget what ain't convenient to recollect. It's 
 a perfect character, for none arc so blind as them as 
 won't sec, so deaf as what won't hear, or so ignorant as 
 Avon't know what ain't their business to know.* Well, 
 sir, I likes coachmen also; they arc discreet, prudent 
 people ; they calls to see if there is anything come from 
 the saddler's ; and when they inquire if that parcel is 
 arrived, I am to understand it is one that was expected, 
 and called for before, and I am to entreat them (ordy as 
 acquaintances, and not as customers) to take a glass, 
 which they dots reluctantly, and tells me to blow up 
 the carrier when I see him, for not obeying their orders. 
 That glass is to be charged ; they have their reasons 
 for what they says and does : they knows who is who 
 in the shop, and they wants it to be seen they came on 
 business on that occasion, and not for pleasure. 
 
 ' " Footmen likewise have, or expect something by the 
 carrier, or they wr "> ascertain addresses, or to inquire 
 after all sorts of _ -\. "is and things. They complain 
 bitterly that insteu*^ ^i a list being given them, they 
 arc sent several times to my house, when once would 
 answer ; in short, they talk of leaving their places on 
 that account. All these are respectable customers, sir ; 
 they never stay long", or make a noise, for they knows 
 what's what, and are up to the time o' day. 
 
 ' " Willagc servants I despise ; they are ignorant, 
 underbred varmin. What is parquisites of oiBcc in th(3 
 upper class is no better than prigging with them ; one is 
 "wdiat they calls superfluities, tlie other is low pilfering 
 and nothing else. They toss up their heads, particularly 
 females, as if they had been used to high life, and sa}^ 
 they won't live with people who ' throw up and lock up.' 
 * What do you mean by that ? ' I said ; ' I never heard 
 the expression before.' — ' Why, sir,' said the eccentric 
 publican, *it is where a tradesman's wife is her own 
 
A TllAlN OF TIiOL(.;ilT, IITC. 
 
 103 
 
 lioiiHokcopor, and locks iij) lior pantry, niul has llu; aslies 
 siftLul, and the cinders thrown back into the iirc a,L;'aiii* 
 Thry say they "want to live Avhcrc the j^-entk'nien Avear 
 ])()wdcr, and Avliero their missises arc ' carria,i;'e })eopk\* 
 I forwards no parcels for the like of them; they ain't 
 safe customers. I leave them to charwomen, who carries 
 niessag'cs from their loviers, and takes money from one, 
 [ind money worth from the other. Them women, sir, are 
 r(\u'ular smn^j^g-lers ; they have lon,^ cloaks, ku\L;-e aprons, 
 and h\^ pockets; they introduces sweethearts and .u,-in, 
 and snnigglcs out groceries and prowisions ; and Avheii 
 Ihey ain't a running of g'oods, fliey act as coast-g'uards ; 
 tliey stands sentry for them, and g-ives the signals that 
 the coast is clear for them as are in to get out, and 
 them as are waiting for a chance to slip in on the sly : 
 tlicy arc a bad lot, sir, tlio whole on 'em ; I am afraid 
 of them, and I never want to sec tliem liere, for they 
 arc very tonguey sometimes, and it don't do for the like 
 of me to have a noise in my house. I had to turn two 
 of them out this morning. 
 
 ' " They met here quite accidentally, and says one of 
 them to mo quite loud, on purpose to be oveineard, 
 ' ]\lr. Stout, who is that? she is one of the "has-beens." 
 ' I'd have you to know,' said the other, ' that the "has- 
 beens" are better nor the " never- wases" all the world 
 over,' and she flcAV at her like a tiger. Liquor, you see, 
 sir, acts different on different people. Some it sets a 
 laughin, and others a cryin ; some it brightens up, and 
 others it makes as stupid as owls. Melancholy, high- 
 strikes, kissing-, quarrelling, singing-, swearing', and every 
 sort of thing is found in drinking-, when enough grows 
 into too much, and the cup runs over. A\^omen never 
 do nothing in moderation. A little does them good, but 
 wlien they goes beyond that it is ruination. No, sir, tako 
 'em all in all, as far as my experience goes, I give the 
 preference, by all odds, to the members of temperance 
 societies. They use liquor without abusing it. It never 
 excites them, for they never talk over it; and it is 
 astonishing how mucli a man can stand, if he will only 
 hold his tongue. I'll vote for you, sir ; but don't say 
 
 ¥• 
 
 I 
 
 4 
 
 ■*» 
 
 '} 
 
 ^- 
 
lOi 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 notlilDp; ag'aiiist temperance society i)Cople in my liou^jc, 
 if you please." ' 
 
 Sucli was; tlic wliimslcal account my fellow-traveller 
 p;'[ive of lii« reception by the ])nl)licaii, wlien canvassing 
 iiim for liis vote; and lie added that he thought tee- 
 totalism, in any shape, wlien not founded on religious 
 princi]jles, was ijliisory; and that if attem])ted to bo 
 enforced by jienalties, it would be successfully resisted 
 or evaded. A rela}\se in the case of a drunkard he con- 
 t^idered fatal. ' It is hard,' he observed, ' to wean a call' 
 that has taken to sucking a second time.' 
 
 ' I never hear anecdotes of drinking,' said another 
 passenger, ' that I do not think of one that was told mo 
 of a poor clergyman in Lincolnshire. lie had received, 
 for the first time in his Hfe, an invitation to dine with his 
 bishop. It was at once a great honour, a great event, 
 and a great bore. lie was flattered and frightened : 
 flattered by being consid^^red worthy of dining "with 
 those who dressed in purjjle and fine linen, and fared 
 sumptuously ever}'- day : and frightened at his own igno- 
 rance of tlie usages of e])iscopai palaces. Not having* a 
 servant of his own, he took his parisli clerk with him to 
 attend him, and desired him jirivately to ascertain from 
 the other servants any particulars of etiquette he was to 
 observe as a guest, aiul also wdiat he was to do himself. 
 Soon after the dinner was served, the bishop, who was 
 a kind and condescending, though formal, man, aslvod 
 the poor rector to do him the honour to drink wine with 
 him. To be selected for this^ special mark of favour (for 
 ho Avos the first whom his lordship had asked to driidv 
 w4th him) was most gratifying to his feehngs. It was a 
 distinction never to be forgotten. IIo bowed low and 
 quaffed his wine, tliat w^armcd a heart already glowing 
 w^ith pride and gratitude. He had, however, no sooner 
 replaced his glass upon the table, than his humble 
 attendant, the clerk, stepped up behind him, and, leaning 
 over his shoulder, carefully Aviped his mouth with a 
 napkin. His first thought was that all this ceremony 
 was unnecessary, and that this luxury was effeminate, 
 to say the least of it. It was the first time in bis fifo 
 
 his 
 
 kiu( 
 
 liis 
 
 incil 
 
 Tiu 
 
 to 1 
 
 the! 
 
 dcsl 
 
A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 
 
 105 
 
 i 
 
 Ir.s mmiili had ever been Avipcd by auotlior pinco lliat 
 kind oflicc luid Iwicn perfoniKHl for liiiii by liIs iiiotlicr or 
 liis nurse when he was a child. Tlie sing-ularity ol" the 
 incident attracted much observation and amusement. 
 The archdeacon followed the exami)le of the host, rather 
 to ascertain the meaning' of this extraordinary whim of 
 the parson than to do him honour or indul^^'c his own 
 desire for another glass. They n:iutually bowed and 
 drank their wine, when the clerk again stepped forward, 
 and again wiped the rector's mouth with great gravity. 
 Another and another tried the same expenment with the 
 same result, but with increased merriment. The poor 
 old gentleman was confused by this extraordinary atten- 
 tion of the compau}', and the still more inexplicable con- 
 duct of his attendant. When the entertainment was over, 
 and he had retired to his room, he summoned the clerk, 
 and requested an explanation of the singular ceremony. 
 
 ' " It's quite right, sir," said the artless man ; *' I 
 inquired of his lordship's servants what I was to do, 
 and how I was to behave myself, and they told me 
 to stand near the sideboard, out of their way, and to 
 keep my eye on 3'our reverence, and when any gentle- 
 man asked j^ou to drink wine, my duty Vv'as to wipe 
 your reverence's mouth with the napkin, and then return 
 to my place, and that if you called me, they would 
 attend to your wishes ; but that I was on no account to 
 stir from my post." " You are a born fool, a stupid 
 blockhead," said the rector; "couldn't you sec that that 
 form was not observed to any one else at table?" "I 
 did, sir, and Avhen I said so to the butler, he told me it 
 was always done to every gentleman wlio had tho 
 honour of dining at the palace for the first time, and was 
 meant as a great mark of favour to a stranger. He told 
 me that every other clergyman present had been, on his 
 first visit, honoured in the same way." The poor old 
 parson was overwhelmed with shame ; and what is 
 worse, he has never been able to boast, as he otherwise 
 would have been most proud to do, " of once having had 
 the honour of dining with the Bishop of Lincoln."' 
 
 T have often observed that when a person tells a good 
 
 1 1 
 
 
 .*' '( 
 
 ,*.t 
 
 
 
 • « 
 
 •* 
 
lOG 
 
 THE si: A SOX-TICKET. 
 
 Ktory, it so(3in« to rociiU to tlio recollect ion a of otlior." one 
 of a simihir nature, until tlic conversation becomes 
 anecdotal. Tliis story of the poor rector and the bishop 
 reminded me of one told by an old admiral, since de- 
 ceased. In his early days he went to sea as a midship- 
 man, Aviih poor Captain Hawser, of the Vesuvius. 
 Hawser Avas a tremendous fellow for grog- ; worse even 
 tlian Old Charley, and that is saying a good deal. AVcU, 
 when they arrived in tho AVest Indies, this indulgence 
 soon brought on a fever, and Hawser nearly lost his 
 life, or (as they say at sea) 'the number of his mess.' 
 The doctor totally inhibited the use of rum or brandy, 
 but told him that win he found, himself in a cold 
 climate, he might take them moderately ; and tho farther 
 north he went, the more freely he might indulge. 
 Shortly after they returned to England, tlic Vesuvius 
 was ordered to the Baltic ; and as soon as they sailed 
 for their destination, Hawser resumed the grog, so long 
 discontinued. He daily asked to have it increased in 
 stren-gth, as they proceeded on their way, and when 
 they reached tho Baltic it was considerably more than 
 half-and-half. The further he sailed, the stronger it 
 became, until, at last, there was scarcely any water in 
 the composition. The invariable order was given to the 
 steward, 'farther north,' which meant 'mix it stiffer 
 still.' One day he sternly commanded him to make it 
 'farther north.' ' I can't, sir,' he repMed; '•you have been 
 due north for three days. It is no longer grog; it is clear 
 rum.' ' The force of nature could no farther go.' There 
 IS a hmit to libations, even when ' far north ;' and deli- 
 rium tremens terminated the career of one of the kindest, 
 bravest^ and noblest fellows in the navy. 
 
 Those who cannot afford good wine, arc apt to 
 substitute rum, or brandy and water in its place ; and if 
 taken in small quantities, it is not only unobjectionable, 
 but wholesome. But it is a dangerous habit, and one 
 that is difficult to keep under proper control. I have 
 often laughed at a conversation I once heard between 
 two old country s(iuires, who were lamenting the dissi- 
 pation of a young friend of theirs. 'Ah,' said one, 
 
 si 
 td 
 
 hi 
 
A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, KTC. 
 
 107 
 
 plialdng' his head, and s])oakiii.!L;' most dolofully, ' tlicy 
 tell mo tlio poor f(>ll(nv lias taken to driiikiiijL:; R))irits,* 
 ' Yes,' replied liia friend, with a still more rueful counte- 
 nance, ^yos; but that is not the worst of it,' and ho 
 lowered his voice as if it was somethiiifj^ vcny horribh^ 
 ' /ic puts the water in first, sir; what dreadful depravity ! ! ' 
 ' 1 ck)n't understand,' said the first moiu'ner, ' how that 
 alters the case.' 'Don't you?' said the other. 'Why 
 no one can tell how nnieh spirits he puts into the 
 tiunbler. Concealment, sir, is a sure sig'n of g-uilt. It's 
 tiio last stage ; it shows he has sense enough to bo 
 asliamed, and yet wants resolution to act prudently. 
 It's the drunkard's dodge. I consider a person, sir, who 
 does that a dishonest fellow. lie gets drunk under false 
 pretences : ho is a lost man. To drink brandy and 
 water, sir, is low, very low ; but to jiut the crater in first 
 is the devil.' 
 
 ' That story you told us just now,' I said, addressing 
 the gentleman who related to us the remarks of tho 
 publican upon teetotallers and others who frequented 
 his house, ' is a capital one, but it is also a melancholy 
 sketch. Tho condition of servants is one that cannot bo 
 viewed otherwise than witli great regret, if not with 
 apprehension. Servitude is, at best, a state of humi- 
 liation, and Ave cannot wonder that it leads to a certain 
 degree of disaffection. To xow it pliilosophically it is, 
 after all, a mere contract. On the one side a stipulated 
 sum is paid for certain services, and on the other there 
 is a promise faithfully to obey and execute all lawful 
 orders in consideration of the wages thus agreed upon. 
 We pay our money, and we expect tho equivalent. But 
 although the terms are settled to tho satisfaction of both 
 parties, the master and the servant mutually desire to 
 derive the utmost advantage from the bargain. Tho 
 former wants the entire time and devotion of tho 
 servant, wdiile the latter strives to limit his services, as 
 far as he can, to such a moderate and reasonable dis- 
 charge of his duties as he finds most compatible with his 
 own ease and comfort. Both look to the terms of the 
 contract, and severally interpret its clauses in their own 
 
 
 
 Ji'u 
 
 ' -i: 
 
 A, 
 
10 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 fiivour. From iho, jirtificifil stato of society in -wliicli vr(3 
 live, wo aro bolli led to stiuul on onr i'i[2,-!its. As tlicro 
 is no favour conferred on cither side, so tliere is no 
 p,Tatitnd(\ If we are kind to om* servants, they reL';ard 
 onr lil)erahty as a just tribute to flieir merits; Avliilo on 
 tiicir ])art, if tliey do tlieir duty tolerably well, they 
 think tii(\y liave earned their wap^es, and arc under no 
 sort of obliL>,*ation to us. Personal attachment seems 
 altog'cthcr out of the question. I was very much struck 
 with the observation of the liotel-ke(!pcr at Paris, wlierc 
 Orsini lived when he made the attempt on the life of tlie 
 Emperor Napoleon. He was asked whether he had any 
 suspicion that Gomez (who acted as his valet) was what 
 he re))resented himself to be — Orsini's servant, lie 
 replied that he had his doubts ; for he had kept an hotel 
 for thirty years, and m all that time had never heard a 
 servant but Gomez who spoke well of his master ! It 
 struck him as a very suspicious circumstance. Can this 
 be true ? If it bo, what a satire it is upon poor human 
 nature ! ' 
 
 Much of the disappointment wo experience in the 
 conduct of servants, is our own fault ; we are afraid to 
 speak the truth ; wo dread an action for slander, if we 
 venture to state what we know to be true, without 
 being' quite in a position to prove our assertions. We 
 give them characters to which they arc not entitled; Ave 
 I)iiy them, and, concealing- their defects, say all we can 
 in their favour. We enable them to brin'j; other em- 
 ployers to grief, as they have brought us. Their former 
 masters assisted them in deceiving us, and we aid them 
 in imposing on others. What right have we, then, to 
 complain? AV"c bring inconvenience and trouble upon 
 ourselves, by our negligence or want of firmness and 
 candour. The remedy is not wholly in our own liands, • 
 but we can protect ourselves to a great extent if wo 
 please. Knowing how little rehance is in general to bo 
 placed upon written characters, let us, if possible, have 
 an interview with the last employer. He will probably 
 tell us much that he will not venture to lO'itc, and, at all 
 events, is open to cross-questioning. And when a 
 
 m 
 
 fn 
 M 
 
 an 
 
 n 
 
 an 
 vii 
 
A TRAIN OF TIIOUOIIT, ETC. 
 
 100 
 
 povv.int oltlicv l^'avcs oiu* cmployiiKMit, or [^ disfliar'j^'.Ml, 
 let us g'ivo him (as far as the law will permit |tl;uii 
 Bi)caking-) the character he deserves, Avhether for ^-ood or 
 for evil. The faithful, painstaking- domestic will then 
 derive all the adv\antag"e resulting' from g-ood conduct ; 
 and the disobedient, negligent, or dishonest one, v^'ill \n) 
 punished in not having* an opportunity afforded him of 
 annoyin.g another master. Let us thus teach them tlio 
 A'aluc of character, by showing- them we consider it 
 iiidispensable ; and compel them to bo circumspect, by 
 depriving them of the means of deception. Strict dis- 
 cipline insures obedience, while Idnd and considerate 
 treatment ought to prod .ce attachment ; and a com- 
 bination of both cannot fail to make a good and faithful 
 servant. 
 
 * Ticlcets, if you please, g-entlcmen,' are the last worda 
 we hear. Thev remind us that we have reached Water- 
 loo station and that our journey is now terminated. 
 
 '1 • 
 
 M 
 
 ft I 
 
 A* 
 
 
 
 ii ' 
 
 . u 
 
no 
 
 lUE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 Ko, V, 
 
 JOHN BULL AND HIS DIG GINS. 
 
 In travcllinp^ over a comitiy, it is desirable to pause a 
 while on tlie liills, and look back on tlie lowlands throu<;'h 
 which we have passed. AYe are thus enabled to embrace 
 in one view all that we have seen in the varions stages of 
 our journey, and to judg'e of it as a whole, to compare it 
 with otlun- portions of the globe of similar extent, beauty, 
 and fertility, and pronounce on its comparative merits. In 
 like manner, when we return home from foreign travel, 
 it is desirable to bring our native land into contrast with 
 other countries, .and our people with the inhabitants of 
 other emj/u'es. AV^ithout such contemplation, travelling* 
 is of but little value. It may amuse and occupy us, but 
 it can make us neither wiser nor better men. One scene 
 replaces another, on the principle of dissolving views, and 
 tlu^ last is alone remembered of them all, not because it 
 is more striking, or more effective, but because it is the 
 last. Whoever has twice left home to wander among 
 foreign nations, if he has given himself time, on liis 
 return, for meditation, must recollect that the second 
 tour has corrected some of his lirst impressions, and 
 modiiied many more. The first visit satisfies his curiosity, 
 the second matures his judgment. 
 
 In subjecting England to this 'competitive examination,' 
 I find it is entitled to rank first among the nations of 
 the earth. AVlience arises this pre-eminence? Ask 
 those Avho dwell in it, and every man will assign im 
 diiTerent cause. One will tell you it proceeds from irj« 
 climate; another from, its hisular, geographical, and 
 political position ; a third from its free institutions, and 
 
JOHN m:LL ANP nrs mofiixs. 
 
 Ill 
 
 Protestant roli^'i( til ; and ;i fonrlli from i(s soil, incxliaus- 
 tiltlc iiiincral resources, and (!xteiisiv(> llslieries. 'J'liin 
 Olio attrildiles it to (lie raco tliat iiilial>it it, and that to 
 its extended colonies, and countless llioiisandsnf subjects 
 in its distant i)ossessioiis, wliile most ascrilte it to tiw? 
 intelligence? and skill of its artizans in all m(;clianical 
 arts. J5ut the true reason is to be fonnd in a wonderful 
 combination of all these causes, with others e(iually 
 chnract eristic. 
 
 The English ]^eo})lc are as remarkable as their country; 
 they have many traits of character in common with the 
 inhabitants of other portions of the globe, but they have 
 some that are pecuhar to themselves. Among the 
 former, they have that presumptuous vanity which is so 
 inherent in human nature, that it should be added to 
 the generic delinilion of man, which describes him as 
 an animal that is 'bi})es implumis, et risibilis.' They 
 I'onii a very high csthnate of their own worth, and a 
 v(>ry low one of that of others. As the Americans say 
 of them, 'it would be a losing concern to purchase them 
 at their own price, and sell them for what they would 
 bring in the market.' Their contempt for foreigners is 
 returned with interest. Even the Chinese consider them 
 as barbarians and heathen. Thqj claim for themselves 
 the highest place in civilization, the most illustrious 
 ancestry, and the monoi)oly of all wisdom. Descended 
 from the brother of the Sun and Moon, it is no wonder 
 they call their country the 'Celestial Empire,' and 
 carefully exclude strangers from a territory reserved for 
 the Children of Light. All the rest of the world dwell 
 in ' outer darkness,' in Avhich there is no tea to imbibe, 
 no porcelain to hold this divine bev(n-age, and no opium 
 to inspire dreams of Paradise. The little foreigners 
 know they are charged with having acquired stealthily 
 when trading at Canton, the citizens of whicli, according 
 to their account, imparted to them the art of printing, 
 of maldng pottery, of manufacturing silk, of carving 
 ivory and stone, and the knowledge of many other 
 tilings. But, above all, they say that they taught the 
 J:]ngdish to cultivate the soil, so as to produce the greatest 
 
 i 2 
 
 r- 
 
 :'' 
 
 'i 
 
 # 
 
 ^ t- 
 
 .i,"^.' 
 
 
112 
 
 Tiir: snASox-TirKKT. 
 
 crops from 11 10 smallest poffsililo ox fell I of f^'roimd, niul 
 nlso the mode of [(rciKiriii;^' cxtpiisitc^ dishes from r;its, 
 do.!j,'S, ('ills, sii.'dvcs, slu,t;'s, locusts, lizards, Mrds' iicsts, 
 and iiimiiiu'r:d»l(i otlior dolicalc materials. 'JMioy cousidei' 
 tiiom, however, as delicieiit in taste, in not ))r(>[)erly 
 appreeialin;.'; lhes(! dainties, afid as l»Mii;.j;liii,L;' iniitalors of 
 all Ihat Ihey attempt to copy or adopt. Tliey lau,ij,-li at 
 their pedip;ri'(>s as modern assumptions, and tiieir decora- 
 tions as 'j^iitlerinp,' tinsel, re^'ardin^i^' tlu; ,L;'rinins, lions, 
 nnicorns, and dra<4'ons on their armoritd l)carinp,'s as 
 ]tla,iL;'iarisms from their ancient reli,L;'ion. It is therefore 
 naturalthat they slionld lool: down upon the English 
 ^vith j)rofonnd contem})t. 
 
 In like manner the Froncli consider themselves as 
 models of gallantry, as the lirst in rellnement and taste, 
 and as excelling in 'the court, the ci'.mp, the grove.' 
 The ]']nglish they style a nation of shopkeepers. London 
 they regard as a gloomy and dirty mannfacturing towji, 
 but Paris as the very centre of civilization, intelligence, 
 and fashion. The Germans they denominate Mearned 
 ]»igs;' they ridicule their propensity to drink beer, their 
 devotion to tobacco, the formal and frigid etiquette of 
 their nobles, and the slavish and stolid submission of tlio 
 lower orders. The name of Kussia is associated in their 
 minds with frozen lakes, and polar bears, with drunken 
 nobh^s and Siberian exiles, or w4th serfs, bristles, cordage, 
 t.'dlow^, black bread, and rancid oil. They shrug tla^ir 
 shoulders when they talk of their army, with Avhich they 
 became acquainted at Moscow, and during the occupation 
 of Paris, and have many anecdotes, which they relate 
 with much spirit, of ofiiccrs with splendid imiforms, but 
 no shirts or stockings, and soldiers who repeatedly left 
 Paris in darkness by drinking up the oil of the street 
 lamps. They admit that they arc brave, otherwise it 
 w^onld have been disgraceful to be beaten by them ; but 
 they ascribe their powder to brute force, directed by great 
 science and practical sldll. They excuse their owai 
 failure at Moscow, by asserting that it arose from the 
 superior intelligence and gallantry of the French soldier, 
 who, svhilc liC thinks ^c^r himself, never thinks (yiiimself, 
 
 111 
 
John i'.\:uL and his diggins. 
 
 110 
 
 ri!nl llicrcftirv' pivfcrri'd (hixih to roliviif. 'I'iicy are li'iul 
 ill llicir (lisi>;ii';i;;vin('iit (»l' lii<* Americans, and say llicy 
 lire a bad cililinn of the l']ii'_;'llsli, iicitlicr cooU.-; nor ;;'('nllc- 
 iiicn, knowin;^,' licit licr liow to cat, di'inlc, or live lil<(! 
 Christians, and inislakin.^'rndiMicss l'(»r frankness, cnnniii.i;* 
 I'lir tak'iit, scnrrilons abuse for the liberty ol" th(! jtrcss, 
 and the owncrshi]) oi" sku'cs as coinpatibh' willi i'rcc' insti- 
 tutions. Frenchmen talk kindly oi' their honour, and lay 
 t!ieir hands on their hearts v/liile assertin,!;' tla.'ir prefer- 
 cac(! oi" death to th<^ loss ol' it, an<l yet observe treaties 
 no lon,L;"cr thaJi it suits their convenience, or their pnnilc 
 lis prisoners than they can lind an op])ortunity to escape. 
 Their motives an; not, -wiiat they assi;^"n, {ind, thererore, 
 thev doubt the Rinceritv of all other Jiations. 'J'hey call 
 KiiLi'land ' Perlide Anu'-leterre.' Their reli^'ion is a des- 
 tiny; their mission imiversal dominion; their freedom is 
 tlie liberty to say and do v\'hat th(>y are ordered; ]ni;j,iit 
 makes ri^id: in their eves. Th(>v become frantic on iIk; 
 subject of the slave trade, which they al)hor, and will 
 never consent to tralllc in human bein,L;"s; they only ])ur- 
 chase their la1)our, and merely reserve to themsehes the 
 jiiiwer to enforce the ri^'ht of jierpidnal servitude. In 
 short", France is the lirst couidrv in Ihe woiid, and 
 they are superior to till oMier nations, '^riieir army has 
 never suffered a defeat, exce[)t Avhcn it was vastly out- 
 numbei'ed, or their .ii'eiierals bribed, as vras the case at 
 Waterloo. 
 
 The Amei'icans, also, have be, mi well traim^d in tlio 
 l)i'ag\!A'inf^ art, both by the En,L;'lisli and French. They 
 are as aristocratic as the no1)ility of the one, and as re- 
 ]inl)lica;i as the Socialists of the other. They assert that 
 all men arc free and C(ju.al. ''This is an abstract projx)- 
 silion ; but, like all general rules, it has exceptions. It 
 means all u'liitc men. Their minister refused to sit beside 
 tlie 'Nig'r>;er' Ambassador from llayti at the Lord 
 i^dayor's tabic — he dkl not reco^-nisc him as a brother ! 
 lie said it Avas an insult to a couidry v»hicli considered 
 blacks as inferk)r bein,Li,-s, and held them as slaves, and 
 referred to Buxton, AVilberforco, aud Shaftesbury, as 
 authorities, as all three were stated to have declined 
 
 to 
 
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 o. ■». 
 
Hi 
 
 tllE StASON-TlCKEt. 
 
 iiKilriiiioiiial {illhinccs for tlieir diingliters with African 
 princes. Tlioy boast that tliey are wliitc (an exultation 
 no European understands) : that they arc free, which 
 none but themselves comjn-ehend; and that they arc 
 descended from a nation wliich they insult and affect to 
 despise. Similarity of name with them means con- 
 sanf^iinity; they boast that they are descended from 
 the best families in Great Britain, and have ' good blood.' 
 They can, tlicrcfore, atlord to i\\)0 humility and talk of 
 equidity, because being on a level with the Englisli 
 nobility they can condescend to admit others to their 
 Bociety without the risk of derogating from their own 
 im])ortance. ' The English have whipped all the world, 
 and ihcj have whipi)ecl the English.' Their superiority 
 is imquestionable. They have the largest rivers, tlio 
 higliest hills, the widest prairies, the richest soil, the 
 fastest horses, the prettiest galls, the best revolvers, 
 cutest lawyers, pcoicci'/allcst preachers, and smartest 
 generals, that arc to be found on the face of the airth ; 
 also clippers that beat all natur, steamers that streak it 
 off like ilcd lightning, and men that are half horse and 
 half alligator, Avith the touch of the devil, and a cross of 
 the airthquake. 
 
 Is it any wonder they are the greatest nation in all 
 creation?' If you have any doubt as to this fact, ask 
 their mim'ster "to the Court of St. James', Victoria," 
 and lie will tell you — ' I rather guess it's a fact — stick a 
 pin throngh it, for it's noticeable.' 
 
 John ]3nll has this vanity in an eminent degree, lie 
 is convinced, beyond all doubt, that he is the greatest 
 man in the world. He takes it for granted eveiy oni^ 
 knows it ; and if it is not admitted, he attributes tlio 
 denial either to ignorance or prejudice, lie does not 
 assert his snperiority so loudly as the Yankee ; but he 
 feels and looks it. He is a sn})erciUons gentleman, and 
 regards the rest of mankind with a condescending and 
 ]iatronizing air. He is rich, and measures the respecta- 
 bility of foreigners by their vrealth, and as this standard 
 is in his favonr, he (^)nsiders them a ' beggarly crew.' 
 lie is a bluff, ruddy-fiiced, resolute, g-ood-hearted fellow, 
 
 ^1 
 
JOHN nrLL A^^) ms diggins. 
 
 115 
 
 and incUnod to corpulency, which is no wonder, for he 
 feeds heartily, and drinks strong- wine and heavy beer. 
 Like many animals, he is not to be approached witli 
 safety while hungry ; he is liberal in his charities, but ho 
 won't subscribe till after a public dinner and some very 
 fulsome speeches, in which his generosity, his tender 
 disposition, his wealth, and his benevolence, are duly 
 extolled. He is a practical man, and will pay for services 
 rendered, but he grumbles at the expense of erecting 
 monuments to commemorate them. 
 
 He says, if he wishes to see a national tribute to the 
 glory of the British arms, he would rather go to France, 
 wlicre, in the enumeration of their victories over various 
 nations, the name of England is omitted. He says he is 
 content with that, for it is an admission far outweighing 
 any assertion of his, however well grounded. He is 
 hospitable, and keeps a liberal table ; but is not above 
 letting you know the merits and high prices of his wines, 
 to winch he di'aws your attention, lest your want of 
 taste might prevent ^''our fully appreciathig yoiu: good 
 fi)rtune in being asked to partake of them. He does not 
 always boast loudly ; he sometimes affects to speak dis- 
 paragingty of what pertains to himself — he considers it 
 more delicate. His stately mansion in the country he 
 calls ' his Httle place in Meekshne,' his town house ' his 
 pied a tcrrc^ and so on. 
 
 'And the Devil he laughed, for his darling sin 
 Is the pride that apes humility.' 
 
 He looks upon the Scotch, the Irish, and the colonists 
 with an air of great superiority. He is fond of telhng 
 you Doctor Johnson's definition of oats, ' food for horses 
 iu England and men in Scotland,' and ' that their best 
 road is the one that leads to England.' He dehghts 
 also in repeating the observation of one of his admirals, 
 relative to Ireland, ' that the only cure for the discontent 
 nf that country, is to scuttle it for forty-eight hours, to 
 destroy the vormui.' He declines to be introduced to 
 any one from Australia, because he knows he is a re- 
 turned convict. If he meets a man from Canada, he 
 
 1 i 
 
 %\ 
 
 : "i i 
 
 4 
 
110 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 {isks liim if it is a ponul colony. lie is liimself full (^f 
 provincialisms, calliii.L;' 'Il-cvo the iiintluir of iis li-all,' 
 and talkin;.*; of liis ' 'oisea and ounds ;' and yet, his car is 
 F,o sensitive, the Irish l)ro,u,'no and Scotcli accent distress 
 him, on account of tlieir vul'^'arity. But his nationalily 
 is insufferable. He has an idea tliat one Englishman is 
 equal, in war, to tlu-ee Frenchmen; and has the vanity 
 to believe that a navy in name is superior to one in fact; 
 that his maritinu^ supremacy is indisputable, and has 
 been so often proved that farther evidence is nnneces- 
 sary. lie is of o[)inion that a mere notice that ' si)rin,n' 
 j^uns and man tra]is arc set on his premises,' will as 
 effectually protect his property as if tliey were really 
 ])laced there. IFe ^Tumbles, therefore, at the estimates 
 for a service which has the double duty to perform, of 
 protecting' the sea-board of the British Isles and the 
 commerce of the colonies. Although he regards th;,^ 
 French as fools, he does not think they can be so utterly 
 devoid of sense as to invade a country that has never 
 been visited by an enemy since the landing of AVilliam 
 the Conipieror. 
 
 If you suggest the possibility^ of an attack, he boasts 
 that though a landing- may be effected, not one of the 
 hostile force would ever return to their native country; 
 an idea which is supported by the fact, that none of the 
 Xormans ever did so, except for the purpose of bringing 
 over their wives and cliildren. lie maintains that those 
 who make guns, must, as a matter of course, know how 
 to use them ; that hedges are better fortifications than 
 batteries, and foxhunters more to be depended upon than 
 dragoons. He regards the Treasury as the patrimony 
 of certain j^owerful Whig families ; he paj's his taxes 
 and grumbles, but is on the whole content, so long as 
 he is permitted to vote for, or against the Fremier. lie 
 leaves public business to public men, it is enough for 
 liim to attend to his own affairs. lie is fond of ci\ilians 
 — he places one at the he;id of the Admiralty, and a]i- 
 ])oints country gentlemen to important i)osts in the 
 Department of AVar. He found tlu^ advantage of thi^H 
 arrangement in the Cruncan struggle, and experience 
 
JOHN BUT.L AND HTF? r>IC.r,TNS. 
 
 117 
 
 ill of 
 -all,' 
 ar is 
 Lross 
 alily 
 ail is 
 iiiiiy 
 fact ; 
 I lias 
 cccs- 
 prii-io' 
 ill as 
 really 
 nalcs 
 ;iii, <il 
 d llio 
 is lliv 
 Ltlcrly 
 never 
 k^illiaiu 
 
 boasts 
 ilu; 
 111 try ; 
 of the 
 II pug' 
 those 
 1 how 
 Ihaii 
 n than 
 .imoiiy 
 taxes 
 )ii;j; :is 
 lie 
 
 ll for 
 iviliaiis 
 1(1 a]!- 
 iu the 
 of thi^4 
 erieiico 
 
 s 
 
 Ims made liiiu wise ; he is an Kn.L!,Tishinaii, and both in- 
 fallible and invincible. 'I'liis vanily he shares, as wo 
 liavc seen, with the peo[)le of every other country, but 
 he has little else in connuoii with them. In other xv- 
 spects he stands almost alone; he takes sensible views 
 of most subjects, and wherever his own personal in- 
 terest is concerned, when disconnected with politics or 
 ])arty, ho shows to great advantagv. ILo is both able 
 and willing' to work, and attaches great value to in- 
 dustrious habits. For this he is mainly indebted to his 
 cliniate, Avhicli, while it develops the human frame, is 
 Kuriiciently temperate to admit of daily labour iu the 
 open air. It is neither too hot nor too cold, cither of 
 wliicli extremes would confine him to his house ; while 
 tlie former would compel him, like the Virg-inian, to 
 S(?ek for a slave to do his work, and the latter Avould 
 induce him to live like the Laplander or Esquimaux 
 Indian, for more than half the year. It combines that 
 liajipy medium that is essential to health and strength, 
 labour and enjoyment. A grumbler, however, by na- 
 ture, he is not quite satisfied Avith it. AVhen at home 
 lie complains that it is too humid, and the sun seldom 
 visible ; and he longs for an Italian sky, and its trans- 
 parent atmosphere. But when he reaches Italy he findv 
 Ills ideas have been Ijorrowed from poets, and remem- 
 bers that he once heard, when a boy, that ' Fiction 
 was the soul of poetry.' The seasons drive him from 
 place to place to avoid the sirocco, the malaria, the heat 
 or the cold, as a shepherd does his flocks in search of 
 fresh pastures, running water, and shelter. He sees 
 an indolent, improvident, penniless peasantry, who prefer 
 robbing to Avorking, and Avho resort to murder to prove 
 their admiration of law, and their fitness for liberty, 
 and who, while dreaming of the unattainable, forego 
 Avhat is within their reach, and shoAv hov/ little benefit 
 they have derived from the fable of the dog who re- 
 linquished the substance for the shadow. Yet this lazy, 
 iille rascal, sings and dances, talks of freedom as of a 
 tiling' that dispenses Avith Lvbour as the foundation of 
 property, but supplies and protects riches Avithout exact- 
 
 M 
 
 k { 
 
 'A A 
 
 
 * 
 
 . 4 
 
118 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 mf^ personal exertion. IIo proceeds to Greece with in- 
 creased hope ; for, hke Byron and Gladstone, he imbibed, 
 in his early daj^s, a love for Hellenic lore, a veneration 
 for ancient heroes, and is spoony on the subject of its 
 nationahty ; but he is soon convinced that its climate 
 and people have been vastly overrated. He finds that 
 the surface of the country, broken by high hills and deep 
 ravines, is more distinguished for its picturesque beauty 
 than for its agriculture ; that the heat of the plains 
 -which ripens tropical fruits is overpowering and ener- 
 vating, and that the mountains, covered only -with the 
 hardiest trees and shrubs, arc more fitted for the resort 
 of wolves and bears than civilised man. In his disap- 
 pointment, while discarding all the romance of early 
 years, he runs to the opposite extreme, and uses stronger 
 language than the subject warrants. lie maintains that 
 whatever the Greeks may have been at some remote 
 period, they arc now greed}', ungrateful, treacherous, 
 and bloodthirsty, preferring trade to agi "culture, piracy 
 to trade, and repudiation, (on account of its being easier 
 as well as safer,) to even the greater sport of piracy and 
 nmrder. 
 
 Wh rever he extends his tour he finds the climate in- 
 ferior to his own, and returns not satisfied, but grum- 
 bling, because he is convinced that * bad is the best.' 
 He discovers, however, that there are other qualities hi 
 a chmate besides its agreeableness, wdiich render it suit- 
 able for the abode of man. That of England, with its 
 many faults, is neither too hot nor too cold to interfere 
 with continuous labour, and is, withal, so temperate as 
 to promote the full development of the human frame. 
 Green crops and corn attain their full perfection, and 
 all the most valuable fruits are easily matured. The 
 verdure of England is only excelled by that of the dear 
 * Emerald Isle,' at once so lovely and so unique. If the 
 climate were hotter, he would be compelled to desist 
 from work in the middle of the day, and the nights 
 would be sufficiently warm to incHne him to sleep hi the 
 open air. 
 
 If England were to drift farther south, he would ;'e- 
 
JOHN r,ULL AND IIIS Din GINS. 
 
 119 
 
 the 
 
 qiiiro his daily siesta, and cultivate a kiiowled^ii'e of tho 
 o-uitar to serenade his mistress by nioonliMit. \U) 
 would be poor, proud, and lazy, disinclined to excvtiou 
 ov tlioug'lit. Less labour ^v{nUd procure tlie necessaries 
 of life, and what he would think of eipial ini[)(n'tanc(>, 
 that Httle he Avould try to make others perform for 
 liiin. Indolence would gTadually affect his mind, even 
 reflection would be fatig-uing-, he would find it irksome 
 to think for himself, and Avonld probably retpiest tho 
 Pope to save him this trouble, by providing- liini with a 
 religion suited to his mind, body, and habits. lie would 
 lilce a spacious and cool cathedral, dreamy music, fra- 
 grant incense, beautiful paintings, g'org-eous robes, im- 
 jiosing" processions, thing's to delight tho eye, the ear, 
 and the imagination, but that require neither thought 
 nor labour on his part. It is more agTocnible to believe 
 than to argue ; it is (vxsier to get goods on tick, than 
 to pay for them ; and it saves a world of trouble to let 
 others decide for us, a:;d to accept their tenets with 
 implicit l)ehef. If excitements arc wanting (as they 
 ol)viously w^ould be in such a climate) bull-fights, fetes, 
 and above all, an auto dafe now and then, would diversify 
 the monotony of life, lie might have a pleasanter timo 
 of it, but ho would cease to be John Bull. lie would 
 feed on figs, oUves, and grapes, and drink vapid sour 
 wine ; he would cat but fittlc meat, and cease to brew 
 beer. Abstaining from animal food during the fasts of 
 the Church, would be no penance to him, but rather a 
 sanitary rule. But to renounce fruits and vegetables, 
 would indeed be an effort of great self-denial. In like 
 manner, if he w^ere to apply the power of his steam- 
 tugs to the removal of England, and tow her away to 
 the north in search of a better chmate (as it is probable 
 he will some day w^hen he has destroyed its constitution 
 by adopting Yankee inventions, and pirating their patent 
 high pressure political engines) he would have an easy 
 time of it in winter. lie would be torpid during those 
 long, dreary months, and find the Laplander a hapi)y, 
 contented fellow, sustaining life, like the bear, by 
 the absorption of his own fat, and undergoing tho 
 
 
 8" "* p 
 
 * 
 
 ^; 'f 
 
120 
 
 Tlir SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 ])rocoss of pnK)l<iii,ii', in ordov to liis koopiiio' lliroii^-li tlio 
 licats of suHiiiu'r. As things are, however, lio is tho 
 rif^'lit man in the right i^lace. To his temperate climato 
 lie owes his inuseular, well-developed frame ; hut if it 
 is warm enough to enable him to be abroad more days, 
 and more liours in the day, than he could be in any other 
 country, it fortunately does not enable him to live en- 
 tirely in the open air like the inhabitants of liuenos 
 Ayres. It compels him to have a dwelling, not as a 
 mere shelter from lihe weather, but as a home to con- 
 tain his family and dependents, to regulate whom, he 
 must dwell among them, and introduce order, har- 
 mony, comfort, and economy, and cultivate the domestic 
 virtues. To maintain them he must work, and when 
 work ceases seek the seclusion of his home ; he feels 
 that it is his duty, as well as his interest, to mako 
 that homo happy. lie constantly boasts of it, and of iis 
 exclusive rights ; he calls it his castle, and he defends it 
 with as much jealousy as a sovereign does those fortified 
 places which lie dignifies wth that title. England is 
 covered with these castles, great and small, armed or 
 unarmed, and their owners arc independent each of the 
 other, and all of the sovereign or the nobility. They 
 severally claim for themselves that hberty which they 
 concede to others, and in maintaining their individual 
 rights, they unconsciously work out public liberty. From 
 the necessity of providing means to support his family, 
 he acquires a taste for the pursuit of gain, and becomes 
 a merchant or a manufacturer. Nature intended that 
 some of his children should bo sailors ; his country is 
 bounded on all sides by the ocean; ho "was a good rower 
 at scliool, and learned the use of a boat as well as that 
 of a gradus or a dictionary. Whenever he ol)tains a 
 view of the sea he beholds innumerablo ships, he reads 
 of their distant voyages and rich cargoes, he hears those 
 who own them called ' Merchant Princes,' and recollects 
 tho proud and characteristic reply of his own father 
 when this fiattering appellation was first applied to 
 him, ' I hope not,' ho said ; ' princes are needy and 
 ilhbcralj I trust I am neither one nor the other, I 
 
JOnX r.FLL AND HIS PKifllXS. 
 
 121 
 
 1 
 
 I 
 
 am noiliing more or less llian a |)Uiiii Ejiglish mcr- 
 clmiit.' 
 
 llo lias minerals on his estate, and acquires ilie art of 
 mining' to extract them; and dig-s deep into th(; bowels 
 of the earth for coids to smelt them; and when thcv an; 
 rciincd, sets up manufactories to convert them into 
 articles of use or ornament, lie freights his sliips Avitli 
 these productions, and exchanges them for raw materials 
 that his country cannot produce ; which, by the aid of 
 mechanical skill, he exports in a manufactured slate, 
 to be again exchanged for moiu'y or cotton, for cordage 
 or sugar, for Avine or tobacco, and amasses great 
 wealth by these several operations. He founds colonies 
 in all parts of the globe, and peoples them with his 
 artisans and labourers. His language is spoken by a 
 great portion of the iidiabitants of the earth, as America, 
 Australia, New Zealand, the Cape of Good Hope, and 
 the ports of the Mediterranean can testify. Is it any 
 wonder ho is proud and boasts of his race, which he 
 finnly believes will overrun the world ? Having interest s 
 to protect everywhere, both of his own and tiio })eople 
 whom he governs, he is apt to interfere with his neigli- 
 bours in a way to render him hated by ah. Being a 
 strong, muscular man, and having- much of tiie aninud in 
 his composition, lie is pugnacious — makes war without 
 cause ; and, when his ])assion subsides, concludes peace 
 without advantage, lie offers advice where it is not 
 asl;ed, and sulks or lights if it is not followed. He is 
 fiiU of contradictions, profuse and mean, impulsive and 
 cold, tolerant and bigoted, independent, yet governed 
 by party; learned, but not wise; good-natured, but full 
 of light; fond of noljility, but democratic; full of inven- 
 tion, yet slow to adopt improvements; a churchman, 
 bat refuses to pay rates; and so on. But he is, withal, 
 a manly fellow — and where shall wo find his eipial ? 
 These very contradictions often balance each other, and 
 their fusion makes the man. Such is John J3ull. 
 
 On our arrival from Southampton at the AVaterloo 
 station, Cary advised me to accompany him to the 
 British Ilotel, Cockspur-street, which, he said, was just 
 
 
 I' I 
 
 ;-k 
 
 \ t, 
 
 %' 
 
 
 
 , u 
 
122 
 
 TIIU: SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 tlie place to Riilt a Rtraiip;or like mc. ' It's first rccom- 
 moTidation,' lui observed, ' is, that it lias a spacious, 
 ■\V(!ll-vontilatod, sin()ldiip,--vooin; not })orcluMl up in tlio 
 roof of the house, like the cockhjft used l)y the Loii<.' 
 Island Dutch for smoking hams, as if it Avas a \\i'u\<^ 
 to be ashamed of, but comfortably situated on the 
 gTOund-lloor, easy of access to those who frequent the 
 coffee-room, or patronize tlic house. Nothing is so 
 inconvenient in England, as this affectation of asso- 
 ciating smoking with vulgarity. In large country houses 
 the ill-fated smo'vors are driven to the liousekee])er's 
 room, or to the conservatory; and in towns arc either 
 turned out to pace the street with then* cigars in their 
 mouths, or are driven to their clubs, where they have 
 to mount to the attic, an ascenu only surpassed by that 
 of Mont Blanc. Indeed, they are lucky if they find any 
 smoking-room at then* club, for it is not every one that 
 indulges in this luxury. 
 
 * My scientific one has none ; the bishops (and they 
 do greatly congregate there) think smoking, infra dig. 
 They were once curates, and were good for a elay 
 I)ipe, a screw of tobacco, and a pot of half and half ; 
 but now they arc good for nothing but shovel-hats, 
 aprons, and gaiters. Artists would enjoy a whiff, but 
 stand in awe of these Dons. It is true they don't give 
 "orders" themselves, but they know those who do, 
 which is quite as good, and they liave a very patron- 
 izing air ; so they look at these sable dignitaries, draw 
 a long sigh, shake their heads, and mutter, " It's a 
 pity it's no go." A few old lords, who love black- 
 lettered fofios, because they are printed with antii^uated 
 types and are early editions, coeval with, or antecedent 
 to, their own titles, are horrified at the sight of a " clay," 
 which they associate with thieves and pickpockets, and 
 the smell of tobacco, which painfully reminds them of 
 those hot-beds of schism and rebellion, the pot-houses. 
 The geological members of the club have a '■'' primitive 
 formation" in them; but it is either overlaid with 
 rubbish or crops out ruggedly sometimes ; still they are 
 " up to t?'a^)j" and w^ould like " a draw " if they were not 
 
JOHN DULL AND HIS Dir.r.ixs. 
 
 123 
 
 overawed by tliese lords spiritual and tcrpporal. Defend 
 rnc from tlic dulness of those wlio point only to tlio 
 future or the past, and are not " up to the time of day.'* 
 1 don't want to Hvc witli my grandfathcns or my grand- 
 cliildren. I have no dc^sire to hear of (Jladstone's 
 JEomer, and the Sieg'e of Troy, or Little Ked llidinp^ 
 itood, and the Babes in tlic Wood. Defend me from a 
 learned club like mine ! The members are not <;'enial, 
 [Uid they must be incurable, when such men as Thack- 
 eray, Sam Slick, and Dickens, who (to their credit be it 
 spoivcn) are all smokers, can't persuade them that what 
 1 lie white and the black man, the Jew and the Gentile, the 
 Clu-istian and the Turk, the savag'e and the Spanish lady 
 do, has, at least, the sanction of the majority, and is 
 clearly adapted to all tastes and all climates. The war 
 wag-ed against this habit by old Dons, antiquated dames, 
 and pretty girls, ought to be added to the three great 
 social evils that afflict this country.' 
 
 * Pray what may they be,' I asked, ' for I have been 
 out of England the last few years, and it has been a 
 sealed book to me?' 
 
 ' Lawyers, doctors, and parsons,* he replied. ' I hate 
 a lawyer, sir ; I have a natural antipathy to one as my 
 mother had to a cat. If I perceive one in the room I 
 feel famt, gasp for breath, and rush to the door. They 
 are so like cats in their propensities, that I suppose I 
 may call this dislike hereditary. I don't know if you 
 ever remarked it, but their habits and instincts are very 
 similar. They purr round you, and rub against you 
 coaxingly when they w^ant you to overcome your pre- 
 judice against their fehne tribe. They play before they 
 pounce. I was at the trial of Palmer, the poisoner. As 
 soon as he was arraigned, I read his doom in the look of 
 the judge. He had studied the examinations, and knew 
 what they foreshadowed. He w^as gallows pohto to him ; 
 he ordered a chair for him, begged him to bo seated, 
 and was very kind and condescending in his manner. 
 " Cockburn," said I (for it was he who prosecuted), 
 " Palmer's fate is sealed." " Yes," he rephed, " that 
 offer of the chair always precedes the sus. per. coll," 
 
 I 
 
 ^i 
 
 ^» 
 
 ' I; . 
 
 ' ^r » 
 
 «> ^1 
 
121 
 
 TTTE r^EAF^OX-TirKKT. 
 
 'JTow ilioy fix. Ilicii' eyes ;iii(l ^nl.nv nt llicli' vicliiii, 
 just bd'oro llicy liimlly jsiiriii,^^ ii[)()ii liiiii! Tlicy li!iv(^ 
 loii/i,' cliuvs, niid sliin'[), ])o\v()rfiil nippers, fuul no oikj 
 ever ('S(!;i])('s from llicir clnlclies. Like cats, Ido, llicii' 
 {il([u;iiin(Mit is local and not ])ci'S()nal; they arc fond of 
 your mansion and estate, but not of you, and wlicn you 
 leave tliem, tlicy remain in ])Ossession. Tliey Ijci^'in l)y 
 l)Owin,ij; tlienisehx'S into your house, and end l)y bowin;^; 
 you out of it. Tlieir bills are as long' as tailor's 
 measures; and when, like them, they nvc hun.u,- on a 
 peg', they res{>mblo them nncommonly. They arc very 
 moderate in their charg(.'s ; no man can find fault ^vitii 
 them, the items are so contemptibly small. As a gentle- 
 man, how can you possibly ol)ject to two shillings and 
 sixpence, for answering, or live shillings for writing a 
 letter, or six and eightpence, for allowing yon to look at 
 t!iem, and eight and fonrpcncefor laying down their pen 
 to look at you? A lawyer is too poUtc; he will attend 
 3^ou at your housc^, and receive your signature, to relievo 
 yon of the trouble of going to his office. Ten shiUings is a 
 small charge for this, and two shillings and sixpence for 
 cid) hire is very reasonable. lie is so attentive and so 
 accurate, you ai'e charmed with him. He takes instruc- 
 tions in '..riting, then drafts the required instrument, 
 tlien copies it in triplicate — one for you, another for 
 himself, and a third for counsel ; then he engrosses it, 
 and watches the execution cf it, after which ho encloses 
 it to you, and writes to you an interesting account of 
 wliat has been done, and you acknowledge the receipt 
 of it, and he informs y(Mi by return of post that your 
 hotter has reached its destination. One charge for all 
 this very necessary work might, in the gross, a})pear 
 large, but, divided into niinute items, it is tlic essence 
 of cheapness. "On my soul" (ns Big* I3en, the Jew 
 china dealer says), "it ish a great bargain, you get it 
 for nothing ;" and, by way of parenthesis, 1 may say, 
 " Shegog, do you believe lawyers and Jews have souls? 
 because / don't." ' And iirny, may I ask how do you 
 arrive at that conclusion?' said I. ' Because neither of 
 them have an^^ conscience ; and I believe a man who 
 
 ha! 
 an 
 
 W 
 
 lIKl 
 th 
 
 in 
 
 nbl 
 
 :iui 
 
 -4 
 
JOHN BULL AND IIIS DICCINS. 
 
 125 
 
 liris 110 conscicMicc 's not possessed of ji soul, for man h 
 an accoiiiilaMo Ikmu^l;'. (jf tli(3 two, 1 lik'o tlu; Jew tlio 
 Ix'Ker, becaiist! lie runs a eerlaiii risk when ho lends 
 jiiouey, as it is only IIk^ ikhmIv oi' tlw; extrava^'ant man 
 lliat borrows; and aUlioii.Lvh lie eliari;-es exorbitant 
 interest, he does jl^'Ivc; you somethin.L;' for your i)osL- 
 obit. ]5ut a lawyer's .sto(!k iii trade is a (|uire of ]Mr|)(n*' 
 and a bunch oi" ([uills. Jiis niott(j is that of the si)i<ler, 
 '• Omnia inea mecuni porto." Jlis ollico is none of tlio 
 best dusted (so many ])oor fellows come "down with 
 Ihe dust there"), and none of the tidiest, f;o his emblem, 
 the spider, is often seen weaving' his web in the corner, 
 an ominous si,f;'n, if his elieriTs "were Avell versed in 
 natural history, and, like the clock, a qiiic^t monitor, 
 admonishinn- them that hv, had lirst \o entan,ij,-le a client 
 and then devour him. The lawyer's si)ider is always a 
 Cardinal. 
 
 ' What is the meanin<^ of that.'" I said, 'for I never 
 heard the term before.' 
 
 "Hampton Court Palace,' lie replied, 'which was l)uilt 
 by Wolsey, is infested with an enormous breed of 
 spiders, the bodies of vrhich are nearly as large as 
 youui;' mice; Indeed they have spread over the ad- 
 joinin,!;' country, for miles round, and arc called 
 '"Cardinals" alter him. For my part I never con- 
 descend to shake hands with a lawyer. Their g-ras[) is 
 adhesive, you can nevi^r diseno-au'c your fmiiXTs. V^ou 
 are trapped, as an owl is, with bird-lime. It has come 
 to this pass now, you can neither afford to let, or to 
 s{41, or to buy land, the expenses arc so enormous. 
 This may be a free country — pco])lc say it is — but your 
 l)roperty is not ]irotected. Tlio lirst loss is the least, 
 and the best. If I am cheated, I follow tln^ example of 
 a Yankee friend of mine. He was complaining- to me, 
 in uidignant terms, of havinp; just then b(>en sv/indled 
 out of a lar^i^'c sum of money i)y an attorney, and, when 
 he had linished his story, I asked Inin what he intended 
 to do. " Do, sir," lie said, " I shall act as I always do 
 und(>r similar circumstances," and ho drew himself u]i to 
 his full heig'lit, and stretching out his right arm to its 
 
 
 y-' 
 
 ^:. % m- "»' . 
 
 
 t- ' •t'f' 
 t 
 
 
 -:f-' ♦«, 
 
 i« 4> 
 
 ♦: 
 
126 
 
 THE SKASON-TICKET. 
 
 I« 
 
 iitniosf, oxtont, lio ^'nidnally contractrd liis finp^ors on 
 tlic )»iilni of his liaiul, and Siiuoczed tl><iin ti^-lilly into it, 
 as if lio liad a mil to crack, "/ sgitash it, sir, and never 
 lliink of it afterwards." Ho if 1 am clieated, '•^ I squask 
 it." I never ^o to a lawyer, for that is to throw ;^-ood 
 money fifter bad, wliich doubles tlie loss. These fellows 
 arc not content "with feedinp;* upon living* men, they 
 devour tlie dead, and ])ick tlu'ir very l)ones. J^ike 
 vampires, they first suck tlu^ ])lood, and then, Uke 
 ghouls, make a banquet of the body. They smother us 
 while livinn;', with bonds ;\nd mort^ap^es, with charg'es 
 for obtaining" money for us, with bills of costs, insurances 
 on our lives, and every sort of usury, and the breath is 
 scarcely out of our bodies, when they open our wills, 
 which they drew themselves, and find, that like ]\[an- 
 ohcstcr cloth, when the shoddy is shaken out, the 
 texture is so loose, it wont hold together. An attorney's 
 shoddy means actions, chancery suits, issues at common 
 law, bills, interrogatories, conmiissions and retainers, 
 refreshers and ajipeals from the decision of one tribunal 
 to another, until it terminates in the House of Lords. 
 Chancellors arc not much better ; they were lawyers 
 once themselves, or they ou.i;'ht to have been, and they 
 feel for that Bar of which they -were sj)lendid ornaments 
 in their day. But they were politicians also ; and 
 although they were selected, as we all know, for their 
 legal attainments, their parliamentary skill, it is more 
 than suspected, was not forgotten. x'opuJarity is not 
 to be despised, even on the Bench, and all parties are 
 satisfied that the costs should be paid out of the estate. 
 ]^etwcen Gladstone's succession duties, and lawyers' 
 fees, how much of an estate goes to the heirs ? Even 
 iriscount Williams professes himself unable to answer 
 that question. It is a crying social evil. 
 
 * Doctors arc no better ; and I mean that word to 
 embrace physicians, surgeons, ci Jioc genus omne. They 
 have the modesty to complain in bitter terms that they 
 are not well used. But do they do unto others as they 
 would Avish they should do uuto them? Locock says 
 he would liavc been made a peer, had not an enemy 
 
JOHN ftfl.L AND Ul6 DIGGING. 
 
 127 
 
 1 to 
 Micy 
 hey 
 licy 
 jays 
 cniy 
 
 trndiifod Mm, by ])nl»lisl»ing' to llio -world lliat lio was 
 1(» I'C crcatctl "■ Lord ])cln'ev w,v." It is as lianl to l<K-;n 
 a title l>y a joke, ns it is for sonie nuMi to iterpetrato 
 one; and it is not a very ])leasajit tiling- to be made the 
 Hubject of tliem, for jokes, Hke penny stamjjs, arc 
 ndlicsive. I don't like ])eople ^vhose interests arc not 
 only opposed to mine, bnt whose advaneement proceeds 
 from my misfortunes. If I breuk my lepjf, tiie snrp:eon 
 rubs his hands •with j^lee, and murnnn's thunkfuliy, 
 *' how V(M'y lucky ; it is a fj;'ood chance for me." Tiiey 
 live on epidemics. When influenza is rife, they are 
 observed to be unusually constant in tlicir attendance 
 at eliurch, not to h(>:ir the f.ermon, but to listen to the 
 uproar of cou.^hs. They can form a tolerable estirnjitc 
 of their future croj't, by the numl)er of these noisy 
 diristians, and they return home with thaidvful liearts, 
 that all thin<;-s work tof2,'etlier for the good of the 
 ri.i;'htcous. AVhen called in for consultation, their first 
 intjuiry is not concerning- your symptoms, but your 
 means, and their course of treatment is wisely regulated 
 by what they hear of the state of your chest. It is the 
 full purse, like the full habit of body, that requires 
 (Icjiletion. The poor fare better, for they are generally 
 loft to nature, which kindly works out cures for the 
 ills that she bestows. Alas ! we are not free agents 
 ill this world. If we do not summon these people when 
 our friends arc ill, and death ensues, it is at once siiid 
 '• They died for want of proper medical advice ; nothing 
 was done for them." It the doctor is called in, and 
 death, like a shadow, followr his footsteps, we are often 
 haunted by the idea that *' too much" was done for 
 them. They do their woi'k in ]irivate, and not in public, 
 like lawyers, who, with all their faults, are jolly fellows 
 compared to the doctors. The former fight it out in 
 court, in presence of the judge, jury, and audience, and 
 the public decide for themselves on their respective 
 merits. AVhen the trial is over, they walk off, arm in 
 arm. in great good-humour, dine tog(,'ther, laugh at the 
 jokes of the judge, the stupidity of the jury, and the 
 Way the witnesses were bullied and bamboozied. Tho 
 
 i 
 
 *■ ' i' 
 
123 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 liotol Lill \H spread over the retainor,-;. It is tlio proper 
 ])laco for it. Like lias an alliiiity for lilcc Fees are 
 uLtracl(.Ml ])y f{H\s, adhere togx'tlier, and roll np, like Avet 
 snow, inlo a largx; l)all. Doctors and parsoJis do not 
 meet face to face, like these g-entry, who have a reg-nbir 
 stand-np Hg'ht, and then shake hands like good fellows ; 
 Init they lire long* shots at their opponents when tlieir 
 backs arc tnrned; the former by inserting scalping, 
 cutting, and venomous articles, in works devoted to 
 science and drfaination ; and the latter, by sending 
 to religious newspapers anonymous communications, 
 written in a truly charitable spirit, braiding no sym[)athy 
 with sinners (wliicli they believe all those who diflVr 
 from them to be), and accordingly denounce them with 
 *' bell, book, and candle," exposing them to the scorn 
 and coidempt of their so-called Chi-i.'^tidn, friends. 
 
 'Medical men are, it must be admitted, most obliging 
 and accommodating to those who seek them, lias an 
 extravagant woman a penurious or selfish husband, it 
 is an evidence of aberration of mind : the family doctor 
 is consulted, who scmuIs anotlKn* mad practitioner to 
 share the res[)onsibilitj', and the}' certify that the ])0()r 
 man is unsafe to be at large, lie is, therefore, received 
 into a private asylum, the keeper of which pays tlic 
 reconnnending jih^^sician fifteen ])er cent, on the amount 
 of the annual charge for his custody and support. Tlu; 
 unfortunate victim is outrageous at this false imprison- 
 ment, and thereby affords the proof which was before 
 Avanting of insanity, lie is laced up in a strait-waisl- 
 coat, his head shaved and blistered, and he is kiiully 
 admonished to keep himself cool and quiet. Xothing 
 can ever eiTect his release save poverty or death.. Death 
 does sometimes occur, uot from ins;uiity, but from a 
 broken heart. Poverty is a specific in these cases. 
 "When the su]i]ilies fail, the patient is almost instanta- 
 neously and miraculously restored to his senses, and is 
 not only released, but actually bowed out of the estab- 
 lishment; for the governor at once discovers that it is 
 both dang'crous and wicked to detain a man one moment 
 after he is of sane mind. The medical .'itLendantiiiforni;:) 
 
JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGCIXS. 
 
 129 
 
 Opel' 
 
 aro 
 •\v(jt 
 
 not 
 ^nilai* 
 ;)WS ; 
 tliciL" 
 pin;-!:, 
 xl to 
 iidinii; 
 lioii^-, 
 palliy 
 
 dinVr 
 1 Avith 
 
 SCOl'U 
 
 )Vi,!i,'ln;j; 
 las au 
 and, it 
 doctor 
 nci- to 
 ic ]^o()r 
 ccived 
 ys tlio 
 niouiit 
 . Tin- 
 pvirtOU" 
 before 
 waist - 
 kindly 
 .,otliin.^' 
 DcatU 
 from a 
 cases, 
 stanta- 
 aud is 
 3 cstivb- 
 at it is 
 iioment 
 iuforinii 
 
 tlio freed man lliat his disorder has assumed a new 
 i-hape, and has degenerated into another complaint, for 
 Avhich there are other practitioners much more compe- 
 tent to jorescribe than himself ; ho cong-ratulates him on 
 his marvellous recovery, and takes an affectionate leave 
 of him. How can men like these complain that tlio 
 Avorld does not do them justice? How hard these 
 licensed quacks aro on their unlicensed brethren ! They 
 ])crsecute and prosecute them, they hold them up to 
 ridicule and contempt, they analyze their medicines, and 
 sometimes deign to pronounce them harmlcss^-can they 
 say as much of their own ? They ascribe their cures to 
 nature, and their failures to ignorance. Perhaps they 
 aro indignant at the exposure of their own secrets ; for 
 it is their practice to rob nature of the credit that is duo 
 to her. Their cures aro their own, and their failures 
 almost invariably caused by the neglect of others, in 
 not having consulted them sooner, 
 
 ' The Germans managed their medical men better. 
 Tlicy made them useful in their armies, by adding tho 
 dignity of barber and hospital nurse to that of surgeon. 
 A^ Enghsh society is now constituted, they are a social 
 evil. 
 
 ' Their clerical brethren have, of late, become equally 
 troublesome; they have thrown almost every parish in 
 tho Idngdom into confusion ; ihaj have invented nick- 
 names, and apply them most liberally to each other. 
 One party calls the other Puseyite, and modestly assumes 
 tlic exclusive title of Evangelical, while they both ignore 
 tho existence of that large, sensible, pious, and orthodox 
 iiody called the Broad Church, whoso peace is destroyod 
 by these two factions. The Puseyites are Pomanists in 
 disguise, and the Low Church party dissenters, while 
 hoth have all the faults of extremes. If they Y,"ould only 
 let each other alone, and conGnc their rivalry to tho 
 amourit of good they might severally do, it would bo 
 better for both of them, and for the cause of Christianity 
 p;onerally. If they would .make "tho World, the Flesh, 
 and the Devil " their ol>jocts of attack, it would be far 
 more appropriate and praiseworthy exercise of their 
 
 4**' 
 
 _j 
 
130 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 clerical f auctions, and condnco more to ilie welfare of all 
 ■\vlio cscliew party dissensions, and desire to live in 
 ])eace with all men. 
 
 ' Ijotli have done, and still do, much service in their 
 way, hut they arc equally deiicieni in Christian charity. 
 If you decline to attach yourself to one side or the 
 (^ther, they both turn on you, saying" you are neither 
 "hot nor cold," as if the fervour of reh;2:ion was exclu- 
 sively confined to sectarian warfare. They appear to 
 think that the affairs of the Church must be conducted 
 on the same principles as those of the State, which 
 require a strong* opposition. The result is, the condi- 
 tion of moderate men resembles tliat to which a prisoner 
 \s reduced by the divided opinions of his counsel. 
 
 *The Puseyite tuo's at one skirt, and says, " confesF;, 
 and throw yourselt on the mercy of the priest." Tl U3 
 opposite party grasps the other skirt, exclaiming "do 
 not confess, plead not guilty, and run your chance of 
 csi..pe from want of proof." One says, "confess your 
 sins," and the other "confess your virtues." There is 
 no escape for you, but to slip out of your coat, leavill,^' 
 that and your purse in their hands. If they coidd un- 
 derstand a joke, you might say, in affected fright, " Pray, 
 good men, take my life, and spare what I have got." 
 One would rather die, than not preach in a surphce, the 
 other would suffer death sooner than do so. One insists on 
 candlesticks on the altar, not to " lighten his darkness," 
 but because it is the emblem of his party; his opponent 
 liereupon calls his teaching candlcstlckolorjii^ an epithet I 
 once heard used in a village church, where the worthy 
 vicar was strongly inveighing agahist Tractarian doc- 
 trines and customs. The Puseyite loves the rubrick, and 
 is as fond of its red letters as if he believed tliciii 
 stamped with the blood of the martyrs. lie has, how- 
 ever, a better reason, the authority of the Episcopal 
 Bench. 
 
 *Thc Militant Evangelical divine, though professing to 
 be a Churchman, op])oses the authority of his Diocesan ; 
 lie wishes to be the bishop of his own parish, and to lay 
 down the law to his own people. In short, whatevc- tlio 
 
JOHN BT'LL AND IT IS DIGGIXS. 
 
 \bl 
 
 > of i\]\ 
 
 ive iu 
 
 I ilu'ir 
 ;\iivvily. 
 or the 
 iieillK'V 
 i cxcUi- 
 peiiv to 
 Liduct(M\ 
 , Avliicli 
 3 coiuVi- 
 prisoner 
 
 I. 
 
 confof^^•■, 
 t." Tlic 
 ling "tlo 
 haiicc ct 
 CSS your 
 Tbero is 
 leavin.^' 
 
 0\\\(\ 1^11- 
 
 '^ Pray, 
 
 TC got."' 
 
 ilicc, llie 
 nsistsou 
 arkness," 
 opponent 
 cpitiit't 1 
 10 wortliy 
 Lvian doc- 
 brick, and 
 
 cd tlu'iii 
 lias, koNV- 
 
 Episcopal 
 
 ifossingto 
 iDioccsau ; 
 land to lay 
 ]atc%x: tlio 
 
 TTigk Cliurcliman docs, thn other opposes. Tlio former 
 decorates his church, tlie hitter considers it imjustiiiablo 
 extravagance; it is better to give the money to tho 
 ])()()r, and who is so ill-provided and so deserving as him- 
 self? Stones and painted windows neither cat nor 
 drink, but clergymen, their wives, and children, do 
 l)oih, and their ladies do not object to personal decora- 
 tion. Women are never at a loss for reasons to justify 
 (;x[)cnsivc apparel. So they say, if it is expected they 
 should go about doing good, they must be fashionably 
 dressed; it makes their visits doubly acceptable, and 
 tlieir teaching far more influential, for the poor always 
 appreciate the condescensxnu of such very line ladies iu 
 entering tlieir humble dwelUngs. Chilcken :uay pos- 
 sibly be of a different opinion. A Sunday-school scholar 
 bi'ing asked by her richly-attired teacher what she un- 
 derstood by the pomps and vanities of this Avicked 
 world, replied, " Them's the pomps and ivamties, ma\im, 
 ■ill jiour bonnet,'' pointing to a profusion of ribbons ami 
 artificial flowers. It was considered very pert, and so it 
 Avas, and something more, for it was very i^rdnent. 
 
 ' These parties agree in nothing but disagreeing*. 
 Tliey are mainly led by prejudice, reminding ine of an 
 (jld Yorkshire planter in Jamaica, called Ingleby. llo 
 was a member of the House of Assembly there, and as 
 (leaf as a post, but he was always observed to vote 
 rig'lit, although ho could not hear a word of the debate. 
 My uncle asked him one day how this happened to bo 
 the case. " Why," said he, " I keeps my eye on that 
 Scotch Radical Jlunie, and whichever way ho goes I 
 crosses over to the other side and votes against him, 
 nid nine times out of ten I find I have done right." 
 These parties are in the same situation, and arc equally 
 open to argument and conviction : they do not hear, 
 tli(7 reason no more than Ingleby did, but they mako 
 lip their minds, under all circumstances, to bo always 
 opposed to each other. For my part, I wish they would 
 holh (|uit the Church — the one for Rome, and the other 
 ff'i" Dissent — which, severally, are more congenial to 
 theui than the Establishment. We should then be abio 
 
 K 2 
 
 
 ¥■ 
 
 «« 
 
 . i 
 
132 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 to live in security if not in ponco, which wo cannot do 
 while there arc coneoalcd traitors Avitliin, and hostile 
 hosts without our lines. Yes, sir, I consider these 
 three classes, lawyers, doctors, and militant parsons 
 constitute what is called the " Social Evil " of England.' 
 * Why, Gary, my good fellow,' I said, 'you are not 
 only unjust but cruel to-day ; one would think you had 
 some personal pique against these " three black graces," 
 as Horace Smith used to call them. Such severe and 
 prejudiced critics as you are, ought to be added to the 
 trio that you denominate the " Social Evil." You re- 
 mind me of the chief of the Mohawk Indians, who 
 before retreating from the battle-field at Ticonderagn, 
 stooped for a moment to scalp a wounded French olHccr. 
 Having knelt down by his side, he drew his knife, and 
 seizing him by the hair of his head, he was about to cut 
 the skin on the forehead, to enable him to tear off tlu; 
 scalp, when the whole of it came away in his hand, and 
 left a cold, bloodless pate exposed to view. It ivds a 
 luig, a thing the savage had never seen or heard of 
 before. He was terrified at what he considered the 
 supernatural power of the Frenchman, who could thus 
 cast his hair as a cockroach does his shell, and springing 
 to his feet, and waving the wig by its queue, he fled in 
 dismay, exclaiming, "Sartain, Frenchman — all same — one 
 devil." It was this incident which caused the chief to ho 
 known ever after as the "Bald Eagle." You are like him, 
 you would use a scalping-knife ; what is the matter with 
 you to-day, ?' ' Well,' he replied, 'perhaps like the Indian, 
 I have not hurt a hair of their heads — the truth is, I am 
 cross, I am always out of temper on a hot day in 
 England.' ' Why in England more than anywhere else ?' 
 ' Because the heat is more insufferable here, and so is 
 the cold, on account of the da' ipncss that accompanies 
 it. When the glass stands at 92 here in the shade, it is 
 equal to 120 at Demerara or Jamaica.' ' Well, keep 
 yourself cool and good-natured, and I will make yon (i 
 beverage fit for an emperor, not strong enough to in- 
 flame, or weak enough to be danp;erous, from causing a 
 sudden chill.' Having compounded this to my own 
 
i I 
 
 .lOIIN BULL AXD III3 DiriOINS. 
 
 1 '>'! 
 
 >t do 
 
 :)HtUo 
 tUeso 
 rsoiis 
 land.' 
 :c not 
 u liad 
 aces," 
 c and 
 to the 
 ou re- 
 ^, who 
 Icra 
 
 o-; 
 
 t-i 
 
 "i 
 
 otHcev. 
 fc, and 
 b to cnt 
 oil the 
 id, and 
 
 t it'C'^ 'f 
 Icavd of 
 :rcd the 
 Id thus 
 U'inginj;' 
 3 fled in 
 nc — one 
 icf to he 
 ike hun, 
 Iter with 
 , Indian, 
 is, I am 
 day in 
 Iro else V 
 [id so i^i 
 impanies 
 
 \de, it i^ 
 fell, keep 
 kc yon ;v 
 
 li to in- 
 fansnip: ^ 
 
 ay o\va 
 
 Hutisfaction, I handed him Iho tankard with lliat air of 
 Iriumph wliicli a man always feels, who knows lie lias a 
 receipt that pleases and pnzzles every one. ' There,' I 
 said, ' take a pull at that, and then make a face as if you 
 did not like it.' ' But I do, most decidedly,' ho rci)lied, 
 as he replaced the antique silver vessel on the table — ' it's 
 superb, its mag-nificent, perfect nectar; I could drink 
 Milfortl ITaven dry if it was filled with that ! what do you 
 call it V 'It has never been christened ;v et, but as it is 
 the first I have brewed on the Southami)ton line, I shall 
 ij,'ive it, in honour of j^ou, and the approbation you have 
 expressed of it, the name of 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 One hottlo of sound citlcr. 
 
 One pint and hali'of lemonado, 
 
 Two glasses of sherry, 
 
 One tcaspoonful oi orange flower water, 
 
 Two sprigs (or three) of mint, 
 
 Two lum[>s of sugar. 
 
 Half a pound of Wenliam ice. 
 
 Tlioro, you have the name and the receipt, and let mc 
 tell you it is the best I know of among the thousand 
 and one that arc so much vaunted. It has the great 
 rccomuiondation of being very cheap and very simple, 
 and the ingi'edicnts arc everywhere within reach. 
 Like everything else it has a secret, and that is, the 
 orange flower water. It is that which imparts to it 
 its delicate muscat flavour. Champagne, claret, and 
 moselle cup are snobbish ; the w^ay they are generally 
 compounded is such as to spoil good and costly wines 
 that are unfib for dilution. The name sounds rich, but 
 the beverage is poor. This " Season-Tickct " elevates 
 the character of the materials, and makes a compound 
 superior to all others. Try it ap;ain, for ice melts 
 quickly this weather, and your liquor should be either hot 
 or cold. Anything lilcc warm is only lit to be taken 
 
 with ipecac' ' Yes,' he gasped, as he handed me 
 
 back the almost empty flagon, < the " Season-Ticket" la 
 
 .Ui?i 
 
 *■] 1 
 
 * 
 
 . * 
 
134 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKET. 
 
 beyond all praise. I am at peace now v^-Itli all liie 
 ■world.' 
 
 ' If that is tlie case,' I said, ' recall yonr censures on 
 tlic professors of Law, Physic, and Divinity.' ' I can't 
 do that,' he replied ; ' I neither cant nor recant. I have 
 the same repugnance my bailiff evinced, when sued for 
 defamation, to subscribe to an apology for publishing' 
 Avhat was not true about one of my tenants. " No, sir," 
 lie said, " I will never sign a he-bill ; I'd rather die; 
 first." I won't retract ; but if you think the shadoAvs 
 are too strong and dark, I have no objection to add tlu; 
 lights; perhaps the portrait may then be more easily 
 recognised, and more true to nature. Well, bring hk; 
 my easel, and give mc my pallet and brush, and let us 
 retouch these pictures. I think we began with tlio 
 lawyers. It's hard to make becoming likenesses of these 
 fellows, their features are so marked that, although quite 
 perfect, their photographs look like caricatures. Let me 
 see. I will soften down the lines of impudence, and 
 make those of firmness and independence somewluit 
 Btronger ; keep down the professional look of cunning-, 
 and bring out the traits of humom*, wit, and knowledge, 
 of the Avorld, for which they arc distinguished. I 
 could perhaps improve the specimens by a judicious 
 selection of sitters. I would choose Chelmsford and 
 Lyndhurst in preference to Bethell and Campbell.' 
 ' Why not Campbell ? ' I asked. ' Read his face and 
 his Lives, and you will find the answer in both. He is 
 amongst the first-fruits of the Whigs, and men don't 
 gather grapes from thorns. That party cannot boast of 
 feats ; they don't aim so high ; they are content witli 
 counter/ci^s.' ' Try the cup again,' I said ; ' it has not 
 made you genial yet. I hope you can say something 
 better for the clergy.' 'AVell,' he replied, drawing u 
 long breath, after having drained the flagon, ' Shegog, 
 if all trades fail, open a " Season-Ticket Shop " in 
 London, and you will make your fortune. It's capital 
 lush that ; make another brew, and I will see what I 
 can do for the clergy. AVell, first of all, I'd paint ont 
 the M.B. waistcoat of the Puseyites, and put in a nicQ 
 
 reniui 
 
 disper 
 
 ^vholc 
 
 of a f( 
 
 i-s ('as;i 
 
 learned 
 
 tboin. 
 
 I'Gpresi 
 
 been 
 
JOHN nuLL AND ins diggins. 
 
 Ido 
 
 11 Hie 
 
 res on 
 [ can't 
 I havo 
 10 d for 
 lisliin;.? 
 0, siv/' 
 icr cVk; 
 ladows 
 idd tli(3 
 5 easily 
 •hig' 111(1 
 
 d fct ns 
 ith ilio 
 of these; 
 r\i quite 
 Let nie 
 Lce, and 
 imcwluit 
 juniiin.U", 
 owlcdge 
 aicd. I 
 ,iidici(nis 
 ord and 
 mpbell' 
 ace and 
 . He is 
 en don't, 
 boast of 
 :nt Avitli 
 lias not 
 metliing 
 bwing a 
 Shegop:, 
 ,hop" ill 
 s capital 
 |c ^vliat I 
 laint o}\\j 
 ill a nice 
 
 wliite-bosomed shirt ; and tlieii I'd cut off linlf a yard 
 of his coat, and rednee it to tlio peace estalilisliiiicnt ; 
 for now it is a hybrid l)etweeu a Komish })riest's vest- 
 ment and the coat of an Irisli car-driver; and I'd lill 
 liim out as if he was a well-fed Christian, instead of 
 liein,2,' lialf starved on a miserable pittance, disg-raeeful 
 to his Hock, and unworthy of him. 1 will say tiiis for 
 them — they are a self-denying sect. What a pity it is 
 sueli g'ood, such zealous, and unselfish men should be ii 
 .«tr^, ain't it ? Well then, as U)V t lie low church cleruy, 
 who have "a proud look, and a hig'h stomach," and 
 aitt)ear as if they lived on the fat of the land and the 
 donations of tlunr admiring* female devotees, I would 
 alter their Primitive Methodistieal white-chokers, and 
 adfl a neat tie to them ; 1 would give them a shirt 
 collar, take away their shovel hats (to which they have 
 no right) ; substitute a morning coat for the ever- 
 lasting dress on(; they wear, and expunge that look of 
 complacency they carry about with them, as if they felt 
 (as the Yankees say) " good all over," and condescended 
 to receive the universal homage of all wi > beheld and 
 admired them. Oh, I am willing to correct my sketches. 
 
 I well know there are good, talented and self-denving 
 men in all divisions of our church.' ' Yes,' I sale ' .jiit 
 
 your corrections arc like those of our old Harrow school- 
 master, well meant, no doubt, but thei/ touch the fecliiigs 
 ratlier pamfidlij.^ ' As for the doctors, they ought to bo 
 able to take care of themselves.' ' Never mind them at 
 ])i'esent, the weather is too hot ; in your cooler moments 
 I am sure you will do them justice. Their gratuitous 
 services to the poor, their unpaid, or inadequately 
 remunerated attendance at hospitals, infirmaries and 
 dispensaries, arc above all i)raise. I don't like to hear a 
 Avhole profession judged and condemned by the conduct 
 of a few individuals. Believe me you are unjust, and it 
 is easy for you who are not a member of either of those 
 learned bodies, but a man of fortune, to find fault with 
 them. Eecollect they might return the compliment, by 
 representing you as belonging* to that class which has 
 been defined to be " rru.L;'es consumerc nati." You 
 
 
 ♦' 
 
 r 
 
];]C 
 
 THE REASON-TICKET. 
 
 have cliarL;-('(l llic clcriA'y Avitli hciii'j,' (Icliclont in diai'ily; 
 let lis not ('X[>oso ourselves to a .shuilav remark.' ' I'll 
 tell you a story,' lie said, willi au arch look, ' the api)li- 
 caliou ol: "wliicli ^vill furiiiwh an answer to your lecture. 
 Three or four years a^'o, I made a ])aF,sag'e from the 
 Cape to Liveri)Ool, juid landed at the latter place ahout 
 seven o'clock on Sunday morning'. AV^hen I reached th(! 
 Waterloo Jlotel, and had breakfast(Ml, it occurred t<> 
 inc that, as I wns in th(; same town with the celebratc'l 
 Dr. M'Ncile, I would avail myself of the opportunity of 
 attending- his chapel, in the hope that I might be fortu- 
 nate enough to hear him preach. His parish was some 
 distance from the hotel, and when I arrived at the 
 church, I found not only the pews occupied but the aisles 
 filled with well-dressed people, who were standing there 
 with the same object I had in view. As I had been on 
 deck all night I felt too tired to remain on an uncer- 
 tainty ; so, addressing myself to the verger, I asked if 
 Dr. M'Neile was one of the two white-haired clergymen 
 who were in the reading-desk pulpit (for such was its 
 shape). *' Yes," ho replied, " the one on the right 
 band is the doctor." 
 
 ' " Will he preach to-day?" 
 
 ' "How do I know?" 
 
 ' " It's a civil question, my friend, and deserves a civil 
 answer." 
 
 ' " Yes, it's a civil question, but a very improper one. 
 People come here and ask me whether Dr. M'Ncile is 
 going to preach. They ought to come to say their 
 prayers, sir, and to Hsten to the sermon, whoever preaches 
 it. The clergyman is not " 
 
 ' " Stop, my friend," I said, " I came to hear Dr. 
 M'Neile preach, ami not ?/o?/." 
 
 ' " AVell, he is not going to preach.'* 
 
 * " Then good morning to you ;" and I left him etill 
 discoursing. — Now, Shegog-, you may draw" your answer 
 from that story. I came to this room to smoke, and not 
 to listen to a lecture.' 
 
 * How uncommon cross you are,' I said; ^thatSea- 
 Bon-Tickot is thrown away upon you.' ' No, indeed,' he 
 
 
JOtlN HULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 
 
 13? 
 
 vliy; 
 'I'll 
 
 ippli- 
 !turo. 
 ii Hi') 
 [^il)()iit 
 ■d the 
 cd 1<> 
 )ratc'l 
 lity ol' 
 fortu- 
 soino 
 it tlic 
 I aisles 
 ; thcro 
 ?cn oil 
 niiccr- 
 skcd if 
 o-ymcu 
 vas it>^ 
 riglit 
 
 a CIV 
 
 ivil 
 
 t('|i1icd, ' il is not, T assure you; I am only cross because 
 it. is all ^'on(\' ' Try one of these ci.u^ars.' ' They arc 
 excellent. I never iiear of these professional men with- 
 out rcm(>mberin,2; a sera j to I g'ot into witji an old East 
 Indian olKcer. ilo had three sons, one a clorg-yuum, tlio 
 second a suri^'con, and the thii'd a land-agent. "Ah, 
 my friend," 1 said " what a fortunate man you arc in 
 your children. The}' have the jjrayers of the clnu'ch, for 
 they rc})rcscnt, 'j\[ind, Body, and Estate.' " lustead of 
 taking this as a hadlaagc^ he became furious, lie said it 
 was a joke that would stick to his family for ever. Ihit 
 he was still more indignant when I retracted it. " You 
 know best," I replied, " and I withdraw it. They have 
 neither 'mind, body, nor estate,' so I hope you arc 
 satisfied." ' 
 
 Just then the smoking-room began to fill with people; 
 and as I never talk freely in a mixed company, we 
 ciiangcd our conversation to indifferent subjects, and 
 spoke in a lower tone. ' The " eleven " train for South- 
 ampton,' said Car, ' will suit you best, so we shall meet 
 at breakfast to-morrow. I shall not return for two or 
 three days ; but I will accompany you to the station, 
 and see you off, and the day after to-morrow . shall be 
 there again to meet yow on the arrival of the 5'50 train. 
 Good night,' 
 
 >Ni 
 
 H' one. 
 feile is 
 their 
 [caches 
 
 ar Dr. 
 
 im still 
 mswcr 
 Ind not 
 
 it Sea- 
 ted,' he 
 
1^8 
 
 THE SEASON-TlCIvET. 
 
 No. VI. 
 
 BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 
 
 When Ciivy bade mo ,j;oo(l-iiio']it, as related in tlic last 
 clia])ter, 1 did not leave tlie sniokin^-roorn immediately, 
 but lin<2^crcd awhile l()n.i;'er for tlio i)nr])osc of flnisliin<;-a 
 ma.^'niiicent Ilavannali that I had but jr.st lio-]ited. INfy 
 last ci.i^ar at ni,i!,-ht has always been pronouneed an inter- 
 minable one; 1 take mj' time to it; I fondly ling-er over 
 it; it smonldfH's in its ashes; it nev(>r tau'iis : it is .alive, 
 and that is all; it is g-enial to the last, and expires with- 
 out an effort. The North Ameriean Indians measure 
 distances by iilpcs, instead of miles as we do ; but they 
 arc savag-es, and smoke as they travel, wliich, as sailors 
 say, is 'like throsving- ashes to windward.' When I in- 
 dulg'e in a 'weed,' I do so at my leisure. I take no note 
 of time — 
 
 * Parting is such sweet sorrow, 
 That 1 could say good night until to-morrow.' 
 
 Xotliin.GC concentrates one's ideas, or supplies eharmino,' 
 reveries, like smolving". I was indulging* in one of these 
 agreeabic musings, when my attention was attracted by 
 the conversation of two Yorkshhcmen who sat near me, 
 and were sipping hot whisky toddy. One of them, 
 lifting his glass, said, 'oNIr. I)upe, I drinks to you;' 
 ' Thank you, sir, I sees you do,' Avas the re])ly, aecom- 
 ])anied by a slight inchnation of the head. 'Ifavc you 
 been to the Secretary of State yet'?' said the iirst 
 speaker, 'and secured that oRice you were after?' 'Y(>s,' 
 replied the other, ' I have been there, but it's no go ; tho 
 
ni-ACK Jons AM) wiiru. wonts. 
 
 ino 
 
 last 
 lately, 
 hin,t;'a 
 . My 
 iiitci"- 
 ir over 
 \ alive, 
 i with- 
 casiin; 
 t they 
 sailovti 
 II I iii- 
 o nutu 
 
 Kirn 111 I, 21,' 
 If these 
 itcd by 
 ■ar me, 
 thcni, 
 you;' 
 laccoin- 
 „vc yon 
 lie Ih'st 
 'Yes,' 
 :o; tlio 
 
 elections are over now^ and tliere id no g-ettin.L;' at tlu^so 
 p'lilry Avlien they an? in London. If you Jisk a favour 
 of one of them beforehand, he is all ismiles and bows, 
 and pattinu; you ^'ood-naturedly on your shonlder, ho 
 h;ays, "J Lush, my dear fc^llow. If 1 ^vas to tell you 
 Avliat I am ^*oin,i;' to do, they mi^ht say 1 bribe(l you 
 with a promise of an ollice ; just wait till tlie poll closes, 
 and then remind m(» of it — von understand what 1 mean; 
 you know wiierc to lliid me always " (and he ^'ives mo 
 ji comical look). " Doinj;;' a favour after the poll closes, 
 is not promising; it before you vote; a nod is as ^j^ood Jis 
 a wink to a blind hors(\ When you f»'et the ollice, you 
 cannot say it was a quid pro quo, eh? L)evilish strin^'ent, 
 act that election law; it is a mere trap for the un- 
 wary." ' 
 
 ' Well, after the election is over, you begin to oj)en 
 y(uu' eyes, as puppies do after nine da3''R. Th(» after- 
 piece conies then, and a grand farce it is. l)odg(» lirst is 
 tlu; fortiiication dodge. You can't get at the great 
 man ; he is surround(Ml by entrenchment Avithin en- 
 trenchment, like the circles caused by a stone thrown 
 into the water. There arc pickets, and supporting sen- 
 tries, and guards supporting pickets, and an encampment 
 in the centre, which again is a beautifully arranged 
 labj-rinth. You cannot find the clue out yourself, and 
 when you think you know your way, some one arrests 
 your progress, or sets you wrong. "Is Lord Tardy 
 witliin?" "Don't know, sir; your name, if you please ; 
 sit down here, sir, and I will see." Well, you wait, and 
 wait, until your patience is (iuite exhausted. You count 
 the drawers in the bureaux, read their numbers, and 
 take a mental survey of the chairs and tables, and what- 
 ever else is in the room, and whcr. that is done, look at 
 your watch, and begin the catalog\ie again. ]>y way of a 
 change, you look out of the window, and you observe 
 an area wall, several crooked brick cliimney heads, with 
 iron swivel hoods to cure smokino: flues, roofs of various 
 colours, and slopes of every ])ossi])lc angle, sashes of 
 different sizes, with glass that even the rain has failed 
 to reach, or cleanse, since it was lirst inserted there, 
 
 I.. 2 
 
MO 
 
 THE SKASON-TlC'ICLr. 
 
 mikI dial n]»|M';\r «l('si;;'ii('il radici* to lei out (lal•kll(*s'^ 
 thfin to fidiiiil II;j,!il. ^'(Mi llicii -willidraw from (lie coii- 
 l('iii|>lalioi» of lliis scpiilcliral lookiii,i;'r('(;('|)tuL'l(; of 'Mlio 
 (Ic'iul liiirifMl alive," willi a cliill that iiiakcs your very 
 llcsh crcM^]). At last your /;'aol(>r returns, looks in ut tin; 
 door, stiirts ut yeciii.i;' you Wunv. (for Ik^ lias wholly 
 for';'ol((Mi yon) and says, '' his lordship has not conn; 
 down yet, sir; and it is now so lalo, it is not ])rf)l)nl)l(; 
 lie will be here until lo-rnorrow." Von call tin; foll(>win;.;* 
 day; nndergo solitary ('onllneni(>iit for an hour or two 
 n.^'ain, and arc informed " there is a cabinc^t couiumI in 
 the afternoon." Yon try your luck a third time; an; 
 ca.i^cd as before; make the same cmimeration of tlu^ 
 scanty furniture, and witli an involuntary shudder look 
 out upon the " darkness visible " of the dismal area. The 
 only IK'ing- thin,!:i; diseernibk; is a eat, who with st(\iltiiy 
 stc[)S is meditatino' an impromptu visit to a friend in the 
 next street. Even this interestin,!^ obj(^ct soon disap- 
 pears from view, when you turn from the scene of 
 solitude, and mechanically draw out your watch to 
 reckon the Jiours of your captivity. You arc about to 
 depart, in indignant despair, when the servitor again 
 appears, and informs you that " his lordship has to receive 
 two or three deputations, successively, which will occuijy 
 him all day." Your heart fails you at this ; at least if 
 it don't it is made of different stuff from mine ; you feel 
 that if you could oidy g-et a sight of that bird you could 
 bring' him down, whether he was on his roost or on the 
 wing' ; but you can't even g-uess at his wdicrcabouts. 
 By great good luck you meet him at last at the entrance, 
 just as he alights from his carriage, when he is delighted 
 to see you. lie has heard you have taken the trouble 
 to call upon him several times, for wdiich he is very 
 sorry ; he invites you into his room, requests you to lie 
 seated, inquires kindly after JNFrs. Dupe, and the rest of 
 the Dupe family ; *' has heard Miss Dupe is about to 
 change her name, and if so, hopes it will be an advan- 
 tageous exchange." After giving utterance to this 
 very civil speech, he smiles again blandly, and taking up 
 a bundle of neatly folded papers from his desk, tied 
 
 I 
 
mACK .Tons A\n "nviiitk rAvonis. 
 
 lil 
 
 , tied 
 
 willi ro'l tnpp, lie f.tnrrs in Avcll-affccffMl fii^-lit at its 
 p-cat ])ulk, iiiid l()<)kiii<j^ gravis Ilif)n'^-li \cvy prnciniis, 
 bays, " My dear Kir, can 1 do anytliiii.L;* for you V You 
 (>|)cn your rc([ucst, when Dod^*o So. *J appears. ''You 
 •AW. too late, my f^ood fellow," ho re[)lios witli a mournful 
 air; "why in llu; world didn't you apply in time? it is 
 i^Won away ; hut cheer up, better luck next time." 
 
 'l)odL;'(? No. 3, is quite as true, and equally ingeniou?^. 
 The oflieo you ask for is not in your boron <i,*h, the pa- 
 Ironaft'e belon^'s to the eounly mendjers — "lam afraiil 
 it is disposed of, but I will inrpiire, and let you know." 
 If this answer is not quito aj)plicable, he r(\sorts to 
 l)od.L;'e No. 4, and says, "The olliee is in the ^-ift of tlu^ 
 i>oard of Trad(;; I spoke to Wilson about it, but he 
 assured me it was an interference on my part not usual 
 ainoufi^ tli(i heads of different departments, and jrot *r/.* 
 mad as aliattrr;'" and this i^' the way a pooi- fellow is 
 put off. EK'ction promises, my ^^ood friend, are like; pie- 
 crusts, short, flaky, and brittle ; they won't hold too-oihcr 
 till they reach your ni'iith — 1 have done with ]>aying' 
 court to peo])lo in oflico — no man shall ever have it in his 
 power to fool me in Ihat way a;L;'ain.' 
 
 ' ])on't be diseoura*2,'ed, Dupe,' said his friend, Mhere 
 is a mode of inqn'oving* peoi)le's hearing, and their 
 memory too, that you arc not aware of. I'll tell you 
 to-morrow how to i)ut your case before him in a way ]ui 
 must attend to if Ik; wishes to retain his seat. You 
 don't know how to talk to a man situated as ha is. l>o 
 guided by me, and you are sure of your odice, — ynu 
 must not take JVo for an answer. It is your business to 
 ask, and it is his int(n-est to grant your request. You 
 remind mo of my little boy Bob. llo b(\gged hard tlie 
 other day when some friends were dining with us, to b(i 
 allowed to come in, and sit at the table during dessert, 
 which I told him he might do, provided he neither talked 
 nor annoyed people hy asking for fruit, lb very 
 readily assented to this condition, which he honestly 
 fullilled to the letter; at last I heard the poor little 
 follow crying and sobbing most ])iti fully — " What is tho 
 matter, Hob," I said, '* what are you crying' about?' 
 
 ^■I 
 
 .1 
 
142 
 
 niE F.ASOX'TICKET. 
 
 . 
 
 " Wliy, Pa," lio ropliotl, '•^hcrc I am, asling for nothing, 
 and getting uotlilngy 
 
 'Now, you arc like tliat cliiW, it" you don't ask, you 
 won't p,X't anything-; and not only so, you mnst ask till 
 you obtain Avliat you want. Why, my good fellow, th(» 
 whole system of representative government is founded 
 on a principle of mutual assurance. The elector bribes 
 the candidate with a vote, and expects to be paid by 
 the gift of some oilice ; and the candidate bribes the 
 government by his support, for an appointment or a 
 title for himself. The only interest worth having in this 
 country is i)arliamentary induence. Votes are market- 
 able property, the highest bidder is sure to win. Every 
 man has his price, but it requires tact to discover what 
 that is, and still more how to offer it. Money is a gross 
 vulgar thing, and, of course, never enters into the cal- 
 culation of any but the lowest of mankind. Office is an 
 hono-u'ablo thing; it may be tendered freely, and 
 acce])ted without hesitation. India would have satisfied 
 ]]rigiit; he is as well fitted for it as any man that never 
 saw it, and he w<ndd have got it too, but they have an 
 awkward trick of fighting there, and the public would not 
 ])C satisfied with a (.Quaker. Others, who are less ambitious, 
 are content with the honour ofdining with the Premier; 
 but who can resist the offer of an invitation for their 
 wives and daughters to the Queen's ]>all? The higher 
 the man, the greater tiie bribe; for the thing is regu- 
 lat(Ml by a graduated scal(\ The office of tide-waiter 
 will suit the son of a tradesman, a canonry is thci 
 measure of a popular partisan preacher, and a bishoi)ric 
 may be the rc^ward of a pamphleteering dean ; an In- 
 dian judgesliip pacifies a troublesome lawyer, and a 
 j*>;overnorslnpa needy l)ut infiuential peer. To call thesi^ 
 tilings corru})t pructlcc'i is a perversion of terms; they 
 are simi)!y the reward of merit. The giver and the 
 receiver arc too high-minded and honounible to view 
 them in iiuy other light. You must read the poUtieal 
 like the social world, by the light of experience. As 
 my fatiier used to say of women, you must study their 
 ix-tlure. When he Uved at Sheffield, and his estabUsh- 
 
 \ 
 
 i;-ui- 
 
IS 
 
 uitcr 
 
 ioi)i'ic 
 III lii- 
 aiul ;i 
 
 they 
 id tlu' 
 
 view 
 oliticiil 
 M 
 
 \ 
 
 \ 
 
 BLACK JOBS AND AVIIITE FAVOURS. 
 
 143 
 
 mont was small, lie never rang- the Ix'll for the maid, 
 hut when he wanted her always went out into the street 
 1() call her, for he said women were sure to be found 
 looking" out of the window. In like manner, he alwayfl 
 hired the prettiest girls he could find ; they Avaited for 
 the men to run after them, bul tlie ugly ones always 
 wasted their time in running' after the men; one staved 
 at home, and the other die!..'!;. ISow, you must study 
 this Cabinet Minister, and show him how important you 
 are to his retaining his own office ; and the way to do 
 that, is to represent yourself as more inlluential, it 
 possible, than you now are.' 
 
 * ' Yes, ydS,' s'^.id Dupe, despondingiy, ' I may be useful 
 or influential if you like, but these fellows have no 
 gratitude in them, they never think of you after you have 
 served their turn. They are like the great plain we saw 
 when travelHng in Russia, that swallows up a wholo 
 river, and continues as thirsty as ever — drink, drink, 
 drink, unceasingly.' 
 
 'I believe you, my boy,' said his i)hiloso])hic friend, 
 ' and never drew breath the vdiilc. llow 1 envy that 
 jilain, this hot weather, how I should like to swallow 
 tliat river — ^just open my mouth and gulp down (jveiy 
 drop of it. How charming ! oh, wouldu't I say (no, I 
 couldn't say it, because I should have to keep niy tongue 
 witliin my teeth, but I'd think it) — 
 
 " Flow on thou shining river, 
 But ere thou roach the sou, 
 Seek Eihi's lip.>;, luul give h(;r 
 The draiii^ht.s thou givc;-:t mc." 
 
 Oh, dear, what fun ! I nc\er knew l-efore the differencn 
 between a river's inoulli, and the mouth of a river. If 
 Ovid had seen that phenomenon of iiature wouldn't he 
 have turned it to account in his Metamorphoses! What 
 a })unishment for a drunkard, to transform him into a 
 bottomless pitcher, and what a rew.ard to confer niK^)n 
 an active, inlluential, obUging voter,' and then he laid 
 back in his chair, and laughed until his throat emitted a 
 I^Mir-'ling sound, resembUug' running- water. AVlien ho 
 
 ■'I 
 
Mi 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 rocovorrd, he snitod tlio action to tlm wovfl, liffnd liia 
 glairis of toddy to liis lios, isayiiig- as before, butvith un- 
 accountable gravity, ' i)u})(', in}' boy, I drinlvs to you,' 
 to which the otlior as gravely responded, ' Sir, I sees 
 you do.' 
 
 ' No, my good fellow,' his friend continued, ' it is not 
 that they are so forgetful, but that you expect too 
 much. Talk of gratitude; why, what is your idea of 
 that word? why, if you " nainiylize" it, as old Ark- 
 wright used to saj', you'll find it's "a lively expectation 
 of benefits to come." It's far-seeing, and not near- 
 sighted, or as that same old jnillionaire, when he began 
 to study grammar at sixty years of age, used to say to 
 his debtors to show off his Icarnih- to advantage, " I 
 gives no credit, I goes on the imi)erative mood, and lilces 
 the present tense — you nuvst pay down on the nail." 
 (iratitude in a member of Parliament! gratitude in a 
 ])olitical leader! who ever heard of it except as a figure 
 of speech! It's a law of nature, sir; why Jennu}- 
 Dawkins says that even the dead are ungrateful. 
 
 * As I was coming down Cockspur-street this morning 
 from Pall Mall, somebody touched me on ttie shoulder, 
 and as I turned I beheld my father's old coachman, 
 Jenuny Dawkins. 
 
 ' " liow" do you do. Master Jack?" said he; "j^ou 
 lool: hearty — it's a long time since I had the })leasure of 
 seeing you — have you got ir missus yet?" "No," I 
 s:iid, '' tlifM'c's time enougii for thtit ; some of these diiys, 
 perhaps, 1 inay think of it, but r.t present 1 prefer to be 
 Bingle." 
 
 i u \v^(^-ll," B.aid Jemmy, " perhaps you are right, 
 Master Jack; it don't do to ])ut bosses or men into 
 harness too soon, it's apt to break their spirit like. If I 
 might be so bold as to offer my advice (no offence, sir, 
 I ho]")e) — as the old gentleman, your father, left you a 
 handsome fortune — if I wa3 you, I would go in for 
 beauty, and not money, for as far as my experience 
 runs (Uiough to be sure it's more in the dead line than 
 the tc/iite johs:), T should say it's better to have the wife 
 under the \v!ii|» hand than on the lead, and to have her 
 
 I I 
 
r.LACK jor>3 a:;d aviiite FAVotKS. 
 
 U5 
 
 days, 
 ■ to Ix^ 
 
 
 well under command, lliaii for lior to tnko the bit into 
 Iter nioulli and play the devil. Shape, make, and breed 
 i.-i the g'reat thing-, both for bosses and wives, for 
 
 * An iiG;ly woman is like a crooked pin, 
 You can't get her out if slie once gets in.* 
 
 but como with me, sir, if you please, I have got some 
 beauties to show you." 
 
 ' " AVhat, women? " I said. 
 
 '"No, sir, Lor' bless you, women couldu'l hold a 
 candle to them. I lijive eig-hty-fuur of Vm." 
 l''ii;-hty-f()ur what? " 
 '' Black jobs, sir — black as iidc, and not a white hair 
 (111 any of 'em." 
 
 ' 1 according-ly turned and wcMit with him to his stables, 
 uiiil, sure enoug'h^ there were between eig'hty and ninety 
 ciial-black horses, devoted entirely to the melancholy 
 Itiirposc of conveying- the dead to their linal resting-- 
 jilaee. I assure you 1 felt a sort of shudder come over 
 luo when I first beheld these heralds of the grave, and 
 lisiciKMl to the jaunty conversation of their driver. 
 
 "'iJeautiful animals these, ain't they, sir? I own I 
 feci proud when I mount the box, and take the ribbons 
 i,i my hand. They are the admiration of the avIioIo 
 tiwii, sir ; all eyes is on 'em, and people g-ather in crowds 
 to se(; them walk off so statel}'. They have a mission, 
 and they seem to understand its imi)ortance. It nnist 
 ho a in'eat consolation to the survivors to know their 
 fiieiids hav(} so handsome a turn-out as nu"ne to take 
 tlicir last drive in. They are very substantial cattle for 
 such light work. I have often thought it was a very 
 odd custom to select such l)ig- ones; for what does one 
 insider signify to the like of them? AVhy, sir, it's mere 
 cliilirs play to them, and nothing' more. It ain't bidk 
 that's the cause, for in a general way people falls away 
 iuilesh at the last." 
 
 ' " Perhaps," siud T, " it is because of the dead wnrjhtJ* 
 
 'Jemmy paused a moment as if h'.; were g-radually 
 cenipreluMiding- the ex])lnnat!on of a mystery that had 
 puzzled liim so long and so oftcii. 
 
 ** 1 
 
 t 
 
146 
 
 TIIK SEASOX-TICKET. 
 
 ' " It's vory 0(1(1, Master J;ick," he said, " yon should 
 liavo i'onnd that (Jiit so quick; but I see it must be so, 
 thou.i^'h 1 never thou^-ht of it before. J3ut it don't much 
 matter; we are paid by the job, and not by bulk or 
 weif^'ht, for you see there is no lu,a\G^ag"e nor incumbrance 
 of any kind. I never charged iov overweip:ht, sir, hut 
 once since I was in tlic trade, and that was this morniu_u\ 
 I !2,Tjt the big'g'cst, fattest, and most uncommon heaviest 
 woman out of Thomas' Hotel I ever sec — she wei.i;'iied 
 twenty-four stone. They grumbled a good deal about 
 l^aying extra, saying Avliat Avas a stone or two, more or 
 less, to four powerful bosses like mine? * Very true,' 
 says I, ' and wliat's a trunk or two extra to a steam 
 engine on the Great Western Railway? nothing more 
 nor a feather,' says I; 'still they wips 'em up mto the 
 scales and weiglis 'em to an ounce ; and if you go for 
 to say a Avord, they cram the Din^ctors down your tln-oat, 
 body and breeches, and says it's their orders. Every 
 indulgence they gives is tlu.'ir own, and they takes lip 
 for it; they don't demand it, but they expect it; every 
 snub you get conies direct from the Chairman. Now,' 
 says i, ' I am Board and Director botli in one. I lays 
 down the law, and sees it carried into execution. >n 
 fork out, it's tlie rule of the histitution.' 
 
 ' " 1 liave had some werry distinguished i)assengeis 
 amongst the nobility and gentry in my time, and it was 
 me that had the honour of driving the great Duke to 
 St. Paul's, though I must say that State affair tlicy 
 called the funeral car was so uncommon heavy, it was 
 as nuich as my bosses could do to move it. But, sir, 
 would you believe it, though I drive so safely and so care- 
 fully, and nev(>r met with an accident in all my liff\ not 
 on(^ of my i)assengers ever turned and said as nmch as 
 1 thaidv you, Jemmj^?" 
 
 ' .\nd he gave utterance to a long, protracted chueldu 
 of self-satisfaction as if he Avas delighted with his joke, 
 which 1 have no doubt he had repeated a thousand times. 
 AVhen he recovered his wind, lie said, Avith a knowing 
 look : 
 
 ' »' JS^oiCj thaCa what I calls ingratitude, sir.'' ' 
 
BLACK Jons AND WIHTE t'AVOURS. 
 
 147 
 
 be so, 
 , much 
 ulk 01' 
 
 i\\\ but 
 DrniuL;'. 
 ctivk'st 
 
 I about 
 
 more I'V 
 
 •y tvur,' 
 
 i stt'uni 
 
 \(r mow, 
 
 into the 
 
 Li JA'O iV»r 
 
 r Ibroat, 
 Every 
 
 takes tip 
 
 It; every 
 }so\v, 
 1 lays 
 
 1011. So 
 
 ssciic^vrs 
 Lcl it ^va!S 
 
 Duke to 
 air tUey 
 y, it AVivJ 
 
 But, sir, 
 \ so carc- 
 
 Ul"<% not 
 
 luucli as 
 
 d eluu'klc 
 his joke, 
 
 lud times. 
 knowing 
 
 ' So you BOO, Dupe, my ^'ood follow, ^rvatitutlc is not 
 to bo cxjK'ctcd from the living' or liio dead. The ono 
 litters profuse and unmcanin,<j^ acknowledgmeiits, and tlio 
 other maintains a dig-nificd silence.' 
 
 ' You are right,' says Dupe, ' quite right. I will put 
 myself in your hands, and follow your advice implicitly. 
 I shall bother him, as a certain widow did an unjust 
 judge, till he gives me what I ask, to get rid of me. So 
 let us change th^ subject.' 
 
 ' AVliat an odd fellow your friend Jemmy Dawkins 
 must be. 1 wish you would show me his establishment 
 to-morrow.' ' With great pleasure,' replied his friend, 
 'and I can assure you that both he and his stables are 
 well worth scM'ing, for Jemmy is quite a cluiracter. 
 AVhcn Jemmy,' he continued, ' had finished the conver- 
 sation 1 have just repeated, I observed that the burial 
 of the dead was too serious a subject to talk upon with 
 such levity.' 
 
 '"Well, said he, "I used to think so too, mnster; 
 hut Lor' bless you, sir, when I come to sec into matters, 
 and to understand all I heerd and s(>e'd, I come to the 
 conclusion, sir (though it ain't for mo to say so), that 
 there is an awful sight of hypocrisy in all these outsid(5 
 shows and trappings of mourning. Half the time all 
 this parade is made, not out of regard for the dead, but 
 out of respect to public opinion, and from personal i)nde. 
 AVhencver this is the case there is no money so mucli 
 grudged as what is paid to me. They say it is so much 
 thrown away, because custom lays the tax, and that it 
 Would be better to give the amount to the poor, though 
 it's })recious little the poor would ever s<!e of it, if funeral 
 expenses was done away with to-morr(nv. llousumd- 
 ever, a good deal of the mourning you see comes from 
 the heart, for a great many have to feel the loss of a 
 home and an income, and that they do grieve for, though 
 the dead get the credit of it; and some cover bright 
 eyes with crape, and conceid the beating of a joyful 
 heart with broad cloth, for they are to get botli the 
 home and the fortune. The real mourners, sir, are the 
 poor. They are all in all to eafh other; the outer world 
 
 L 2 
 
 
lis 
 
 THE 5EAS0X-TICKKT. 
 
 is chilly, and drives tliom into a narrow circle, wliero 
 Ihoy cheer, and coiufort, and defend each other. They 
 have a common iot, and a joint-stock of affection. 
 AV^'liere there art; so few to love each other, a ])reak in 
 that httle circle is a loss that ain't repaired easy; all 
 tliey have to leave their survivors is their blessing" — 
 *' their inheritance is not here," as Mr. Spnrg-eon says. 
 They have nothing' for affection to spread itself out 
 on — it is concentrated in themselves, and is human 
 love and animal instinct comhincd. I have witness('(l 
 such outpourings of grief among these people as would 
 astonish you. Gentlefolks have so many friends, rela- 
 tions, acquaintances, indulgences, an^usemcnts, an^l 
 what not of interest, that their grief is neither so strong- 
 nor so lasting. It is like dew that falls at night — it 
 wanishcs in the morning. 
 
 ' " Dear me ! I shall never forget the Avay Parson 
 Giles' son, Frank, frightened the peo[)lc some years 
 agonc on the road from Uxbridgc to London. I took 
 his reverence dow^n there Avith my best four-in-hand, 
 and Ualph Carter drove another team of fours. After 
 the funeral of the old gentleman was all over, 'Jemmy,' 
 said Master Frank, *I can't bear to go to the house 
 to-day ; my heart is broke ; it's a dreadful loss to me is 
 the old governor.' 
 
 '"I feels for you," said T, " but its a consolation h» 
 know he was beloved by all the country far and wide, 
 both rich and poor." 
 
 * " Yes, indeed," said Master Frank, '• he was very 
 indulgent to me ; and nobody will miss him as much an 
 1 shall. I shall never handle the ribbons a2,'ain anv 
 more, I suppose; for all he had he has left to the old 
 lady and my sisters, and I can't afford bosses now; but 
 change places with me, that's a good fellow, and let ini; 
 handle the reins once more for the last time." So T 
 gives up my seat, and takes his, when he beghis to h el 
 the cattle, and put them on their mettle. It excited him 
 so he looked like another man. " Clever bosses, them 
 leaders," says he, "look as if they had some go in 'ei;i." 
 *' I believe they have," said I ; " them two mures on tlio 
 
 "Gc 
 
 the ] 
 
 lias ( 
 
 fun, 
 
 forge 
 
 1 cou 
 
 to eo 
 
 I'Usin 
 
 liiifl t| 
 
 1. "J 
 
 liossc 
 and n 
 said 
 into 
 '• this" 
 
 '• I W( 
 
 ia ear 
 
 y<)u 
 ?p 
 I wo 
 
 t"gct) 
 and 
 
 Frank 
 
 hnih ]] 
 and fa: 
 'avak c 
 he'd ai 
 hanl ui 
 I"Vank. 
 
 'J^ 
 
r.LAci: jo:'.." and wiirTr: rAvorn^?. 
 
 M9 
 
 1010 
 
 hey 
 fiou. 
 k ill 
 
 IS— 
 
 I out 
 urn '.111 
 
 CSS('<1 
 
 .vonlti 
 , rcl;i- 
 
 stroll!;' 
 •ht— it 
 
 I 
 
 ycuvs 
 1 took 
 i-luuiik 
 After 
 Icminy,' 
 
 ; boiisi' 
 
 o inc is 
 
 ition i'> 
 Id ^vid^, 
 
 Ls very 
 luu:li '.^'^ 
 t\iu iii>y 
 the "1'^ 
 
 111 k't me 
 l» Bo I 
 to i'*''^ 
 ktcdkiiii 
 IcP, tlicm 
 iu 'ci'-i'" 
 6 on tUc 
 
 1(^;ul, Sill and Sorrow I calls 'nn, aro most too liiL;ii 
 
 i:tniii,ti,- for this work ; they require a stiwdy hand, and 
 
 curefnl driving"." Tlie words were scarcely out ot' my 
 
 mouth before smack went the wliip, and off started the 
 
 liosses hke wink! The way they tlow, v/ith the plumes 
 
 wavino' up and down, and tlie manner folks stared, was 
 
 something' uncommon. Wiiencver we came to a crowd 
 
 of people he pretended to lean back, and braced himself 
 
 11)), as if they were running" away with him ; and the 
 
 moment wo passed them he gave the bosses their heads 
 
 a.^'ain, cracked his whip, and started afresh, sing-ing' out, 
 
 " Go it, my beautii^s ! That's the ticket. Jemmy 1 How 
 
 tli(^ people stare, don't they? T(>ll them the g-overnor 
 
 lias come to, and we are going- for tlu^ doctor. What 
 
 fan, ain't it?" Well, it took mo so by sur})risc, I almost 
 
 forgot the ondeccncy of the thing- in the excitement of it. 
 
 I couldn't believe my eyes or my ears. At last I beg-an 
 
 to consider it might be a serious injury to me in my 
 
 hursiness, for people might tliink we was drunk. So I 
 
 had to interfere and put a stop to this mad frohc: says 
 
 1. "Master Frank, this won't do; it will injure my 
 
 liosscs, and ruin me:" audi took the reins from him, 
 
 and mounted r gain into my own seat. "Ah, Jemmy," 
 
 said he, with tears in his eyes, for he had rela])sed ag-ain 
 
 into grief, and remembered his poor father's funeral, 
 
 " this is the last four-in-hand drive I shall ever have." 
 
 '• I wouldn't swear to that," says I, half joking and half 
 
 i:i earnest (for I felt sorry for the poor boy), " unless 
 
 you puts on the drag, and gets out of the fast line." 
 
 Two years afterwards we drove down the same road 
 
 together; and it was the saddest, most sorrowfullest, 
 
 and distrcssingest journey I ever made, for Master 
 
 Fi-ank was an inside passenrjcr ! 
 
 ' " As I used to say to him, sir, it's the pace that kills 
 hoth bosses and men — it ain't the work. Fast animals 
 and fast people can't keep it up long'; there must be a 
 hreak down in the natur of things at last. 'Jemmy,' 
 he'd answer, ' wheu I have sowed my wild oats, Fll 
 haul up, and 1)0 as steady as a bishop.' * Ah, Master 
 Frank,' says I, ' it's the old story. I have heard young 
 
 Vi. 
 
 
150 
 
 THE si:ason-ticki:t. 
 
 1 
 
 folks often and ofton talk oF wild ontp ; Lnt if von row 
 'cm year aftL-r yciir on the sanu' soil, witliont a fallow or 
 a o-rcon crop, yon'U soon come to what father nsed to 
 call the caput mortuinn. I liave travelled the road to the 
 /;rave, Master LVaidc, so often, I knows every inch of it. 
 1 knowH what people die of as well as the crowner and 
 his jury, uv dissecting- doctors and hospital snrj^eons do; 
 and mind what I sa}', wild oats is an exhanstin<>', killiiii;' 
 croi^ — the last sowin,*^' is the only one that ripens seed, 
 and that seed is Death, and the blacLjob.' " 
 
 • " AVhy, Jennny," said I, " you arc quite a moralist. 
 I should have thou<j,'ht that your very occupation would 
 have so familiarized ;} ou ';viJi death, that your feelin,^'s 
 would in lime hav.^ become blunted." " W^ell, sir," he 
 rephed, " to a certain extent they do; but a thing* that, 
 is ever before your eyes, can t but occupy your thoughts 
 a f^ood deal sometimes, especially when yon ain't well — 
 I feel kind of narvous now and ogin, and dream at nigiii 
 of the ' Black-jobs' of the ilay, particularly when I don't 
 g-et home till late, and Bup hearty on beef steaks, and 
 stout. 
 
 I had a wisicvi last week, I shan't easily forg*ot. T 
 dreanK>d T was dead, and that I was laid out ready for 
 my last drive, and yet it seemed to me as if I knew r.ll 
 as was passing' in the room, and heard what they was 
 a sayin<^. Death is a sad thing, sir, even when you arc 
 accustomed to see it, but it is awful to feel. It is so cold, 
 the heart slowly gives up beating-, and the blood don't 
 sarkelatc no more, but thickens little by little, till all 
 stands still, and congeals np solid. I'm thmking" lile 
 remains there, strug-ghng- a g-ood while after we sccni 
 dead to them that's looking- on, at least so it appears I 
 to me. Dreams, you kno^v, are string-e thing-s, on- 
 possible events happen, and. yo'^ don't know at t!ie time, 
 that they can't ])e, in the natur of thing-s, but you see 
 them all, as i^ they was real. Well! when Paton the 
 undertaker, came to put me into the coffin, says I. 
 'Patio, my j^);ood friend, I am " not ready yet," don't 
 screw me down now. Let me take my last cast, that's 
 a good fellow, put the coiliu into the hearse, but let uie 
 
 iij) a. 
 coriK 
 niid 
 )jo\v 
 
 WOUK 
 
 ran a' 
 
 too, ; 
 
 si,u-lii 
 
 and t, 
 
 "li sir, 
 
 "f the 
 
 Ihcv 
 
 and ft 
 
 r(Joni, 
 
 that i 
 
 did m( 
 
 •'lit t( 
 
 'i^ain.^ 
 
BLACK JOBS AND WHITE rAVOURS. 
 
 151 
 
 (Irlvo myself, lot mo soo mycatllo once more, tako a la»t 
 look at ti»o road I have druv so often, and k(^c the facos 
 )i,i;"aiii. 1 liavo known so well. Uicjidful short business 
 this, J^alie, I knew it must come in course, some day or 
 another, but I didn't expect to bo sent for so sudden, 
 without so much as bcin^* asked, "Jemmy, are you 
 ready y" I went to bed as -well as you are, and here I 
 {iin, a dead man. J>ut, Patie, the spirit han't set out 
 yet, and waits to sec the "last job" done decently, 
 body, and Ghost, are botli here.' In course he was 
 (livadfuliy fri^i^htened to hoar me speak so to him, but 
 jir called ti/c servants, and they dressed mo, took mo 
 clown stairs, and lifted me on to the box, and the horses 
 looked round, and trembled all over, and sweated as if 
 they had come off a journey. Oh, Master Jack, I see it 
 jiow all as itlain as if it was real. There was my poor 
 Missus a standin at the door, a sobbing* a^id a crying' of 
 licr heart out, and the last W(jrds I heard her say, was, 
 'Poor Jemmy was always a g'ood mari to mo, and ho 
 was a kind friend to the poor, that ho was.* Well, off 
 walked the horses as usual, only (would you 'ooliovo it, 
 sir/) they hunp^- their heads as if they never would look 
 up again hi this world, and there was the crowd at the 
 corner as usual, only they all took off their hats to mo, 
 and said, ' There goes poor Jemmy, a driving of himself, 
 how dreadful pale he lo(jks,* and hero and there, the 
 Women folk came to the doors, and then screamed and 
 ran away, they was so frightened, and I was overcome 
 too, and couldn't speak, and felt colder ami colder, and my 
 f<i,u-ht grew dimmer and chmmer, till cho horses stopped, 
 and the last black job was over. The pause was awful, 
 I'h sir, T heard the coffin drag heavy as they pulled it out 
 '■f the hearse, and their hands felt hot and burning, as 
 they took mo down to put mo into it, and I struggled 
 and fell and there 1 was on the floor of the bod- 
 room, as I rolled from the bed in a fit, and the thought 
 that it was a dream aftei' all, and that I was still alive, 
 did me more good than all the doctors and their bleeding 
 put together. It's a warning though. Master Jack, 
 against beef steak suppers, and thinking too much of 
 
ir)2 
 
 TITF, ?EA?')N-TTrKr,T. 
 
 the .L^nod ililiic;';^ of ihh lifi^ ; it iiialvcii mo feel prrioiiR, 
 nil", 1 assure yoi; ; and I ol'ten ask myself the qiieslio:), 
 STeimiiy, are you ready.'" for the day must coine, ulieii 
 tliat dream \vill all prove true, oidy you Avill \h\ an 
 insid(M", and souk; oih» else will put on the "weeds, 
 mount the box in your place, and manage the hlach 
 jvbr 
 
 • ' To ehange the to))ie, I said, "Jemmy, you talked just 
 now of the white jol)s — what did you lueaii by them .■' " 
 " W^Hldin^u^s," sir, lu^ replied. " \Vhit(! is for marriag-es, 
 and blaek for fimerals. Of tlui two our liiK^ is the best, 
 for we have ourowneustomcrs, andinthe end v^v.i theirs 
 too. Everybody nuist die; it's the law of nature; but 
 nobody n(>ed marry unless they please, and nuuiy of them 
 that do like it can't get suited to their mind. It takes tv.o 
 to make a bargain, and it ain't every bid that's acce])le<l. 
 Indeed, sir, in this world, "when peo[)le refuse a good offer, 
 it's an even chance if they ever get another. That's tlui 
 case in regard to bosses too — if you refuse a good price, 
 it's .a wonder to m(^ if you don't regret it. Either some- 
 thiug hai)pens to the animal, .)r he remains on hand for a 
 long time, and then you have to sell him at a loss. Well, 
 sir, the white jobs don't pay w^ell. AVeddings are short 
 affairs, and imcommon pnnctu.'d. They nnist conu; off 
 before twelve o'clock, or it's no go, and llnn'o is no tiiiu! 
 to be lost. Funerals ain't tied (lown by hnv, so though 
 the corpse is ready, the C( )mpany nevcn* is. People expecu 
 to be kept waiting, and don't arrive; till they think every- 
 body else is come. Hearses and dead ]ieoplc arc in no 
 hurry; one is paid for attendance, and the other has no 
 voice in the matter. It's a long time before processions 
 start, and when they do, they travel slow. New-married 
 f(")lks are off like "unnk, and drive; as fast as poor Master 
 Frank did ; and since railways have come into fashion, 
 mon; nor one half of them only drive to a station, and 
 tak(; the train into tlie country. Paltry wdiite favours, and 
 small fees is all '"".vl'itc jobs* ^ci. If charges are high, 
 they are m(^t by high words; hut it ain't decent to <lis- 
 pute ow bills, whatever people may think of them. AVhaf, 
 tight about burying your father wdien you get liia fortin, 
 
 '^y.- 
 
i^T.Ariv ,:ov.:\ ^^;\^ -wriT!: r.wnrn:^. 
 
 ir.3 
 
 or (lit^)>nsiii,'i,* of your wif(» wlioii she Icfivc^; it; opoii to y'^'i 
 t'l marry ii.'^'iiin? ll's iinpossiltlc Itaiii't lo he th()ii,'j,'Iit 
 of for a luoiiuMit. lutli'i'd, what is Ihe loss of a few 
 ]iouii(ls, to the loss of Kuch iioar and ilrar relations.'* 
 JV<»i>lo can't think of inonoy, when they arc overwhdnuMl 
 with ^-rief. iiieh .'ind poor must come to ns, but they need 
 not go to the ' whites.' The (|uality, besides, ])refer their 
 own carria,i;-(^s to hired ones, wlien they niai'ry, and tlio 
 ])o()r ride in hacks, or walk (inictlyhonio fi'oineliiireh ; but 
 lli(! rich keep no lie;irses, and the ])oor, when they die, 
 cannot walk, so both on 'em rcMpiiro ns. Panics, and bad 
 times, and broken banks, don't affect the * black jobs.' 
 When our bills are dischar^vd, people may bo said, 
 !M aster Jack, to have ])aid the last debt of nature. In 
 other respects there ain't as much difference as you would 
 suppose. I have seen as mueli cryin.u; at weddin,ii;s, as 
 at funerals. Some marry for rank and some for money ; 
 some to please parents, and some to ])lease themselves; 
 {Uid the last, <;'enerally displease everybody else. To my 
 mind, wedding's ain't the jollicst thin.^'s in the world to the 
 parties concerned, and they ain't always satisfactory to 
 the job-masters. Nobody ever thinks of lookin;^,' at tlieir 
 liosses, but all eyes arc strained to look at the bride. 
 Now, no])ody ever sees our passen,2,vr ; it's the bosses ;iud 
 tlH3 hearses that makes the sIkjw, and any man that is 
 })n)ud of hiscatth^and turn-out, can't helj) fcjcdin.g'pleasoil 
 when ho hears his adminMl. On the whole 1 prefer* 
 Jjldck.Tohs to Wliife favours." ' 
 
 Durin;.;* the latter part of this convorsalioii, several 
 people came into th(M'(iom, and talked tog-ether on various 
 Kubjects — some relative to the l)usiness or news of tho 
 (lay, and others on g-eneral topics. One of them, an old 
 Indian oflicer, recognised among* the company a fellow- 
 passenger from t)alcutta. ' Ah, Colonel ! ' he said, ' how 
 are you ^ How have you been disposin,g (^f yourself to- 
 day? * The weather, JJeatson,' he I'eplied, 'hasm^arly 
 disposed of 7uc. I never felt the heat so oppressive in 
 the East as it now^ is in Londi^n. There th<' air is dry, 
 but here it is damp, and*resi>iration is very ditlicult. I'y 
 ^vay of keepbig' myself cool, I must needs ^o into u 
 
 
 » I 
 
i.n 
 
 Tim SF.A?o\-TirKr.T. 
 
 I 
 
 rn)W(l('(I ))l;ico, to lioar tlic cause; of ATrs. Swiiifcii, irr.fux 
 lionl Clicliiisronl. It is many years since 1 was in an 
 En;^iisii court, and the venerable judicial robes, tli(; anli- 
 (jualcMl wi,ij^s, and the forms unvaried, reminded me so 
 vividly uf former days, when these paraphernalia of juslico 
 used to impress my youthfid mind with aw(», that the 
 wiieel of time appeared to have stood still, while all <'lsu 
 around was chan^-ed or moulded iido ne\vshai)es. If tiio 
 laws are unlike those of theMed(>sand Persians, the forms 
 apjx'ar to be unaltered and mialterable. For a moment 
 1 seemed to forp^ct that I had ever b(»en out of the 
 country, Amon«^ the lawyers, there was the same; mix- 
 tiu'c; of seniors and juniors as of old; and th(» same in- 
 telIig-(Mice, acuteness, and humour in the countenances of 
 all. I felt as if I had suddenly awakened from a loie-' 
 and fitful sleep, and as if all 1 had seen and heard, and 
 done, since I was in tiuit place, was like thci ''baseless 
 fabric of a vision." I assure you, the sensation 1 then 
 oxperienced, was the most extraordinary I ever felt in my 
 life. The feeling-, however, was a transient one, and 1 
 looked around me with nuich interest in what was j;'oin,L;- 
 on. I nr.tst say I like lawyers, es]iecially that class de- 
 nominated barristers. In my opinion, they art; the; 
 l)leasantest people g-oing*. They are remarkably well- 
 informed, full of anecdote, and up to the time <tf day. 
 The}'' ])ossess in an eminent dc^gree that sixth sense, 
 tact; indeed, it may be called a professional attri- 
 bute.* 
 
 ' What w\as the trial about? ' said Beatson, ' for I have 
 puiTered so much by the delays and chicanery of law, that 
 I never read a trial, unless it is a div^orce case. There 
 never was a marriag'e j'ct, that there was not a conceal- 
 ment of some important fact, by one or other of the con- 
 tracting: parties. Thinn^s that begin in ITaud, are apt to 
 end in lig'ht. We read of love in poetry, and in novels, 
 but do you believe there is such a thing' as pure, un- 
 alloyed love ? for I don't. If there ever was such an 
 aqua-vitcc, it must have been poured into a lilteriuL;- 
 machine, for when you g-o to look at it, you find nothing- 
 but dregs.' ' Why,' said the colonel, laug'limg, ' I suppose 
 
 All th 
 a '• jjr 
 
 '•per ( 
 
 M I 
 
 
BLACK JOnS AXn WHITE FAVOURS. 
 
 1 r " 
 
 clc- 
 tiio 
 
 day. 
 sense, 
 atlii- 
 
 have 
 
 There 
 R-eal- 
 c ct)ii- 
 apt to 
 lovels, 
 e, uii- 
 ich an 
 Itcvinj;' 
 othiiij^ 
 
 v(»n road dlvnreo ransca on the principle some law^^ors 
 searcli i'('ii<nis; they lirat f;"iv(^ the; opinion tho client 
 \\ants, and then look up i)r(>cedents to suppiji't it.' 'Was 
 Ills lordship's name Swinlen ? ' asked JJeatsoii. ' A divorce 
 case, I suppose;' and rubbing his hands, said, *cunio 
 till us all about it.' 
 
 'Not so fast, if you please, his name was Thosiji^er.' 
 'A breach of ])roniiso, then I suppose; lovo and fraud, 
 tlie old story — liked her looks at lirst, then a|iplied tho 
 iiia^'nil'yinf;' glass, and converted 'Mnoles"int(» ukjuu- 
 taiiis, or the furtuno disappointed him, or he saw somci 
 other victim he liked better.' 
 
 ' Xo, nor breach of promise either, for he is a married 
 man.' 
 
 *0h, I liavc it — it was tho lovely and accomplished 
 (laughter; — made lovo to her — offered the cup of flattery 
 full to tho brim : she was fool enough to believe him, and 
 she drained it to its dregs; threw herself int<^ his arms, 
 and he ran off with her, — no, that's not the phrase, she 
 clopt'd with him. It was all regular and romantic, — 
 l»ist-chaise and four, — devoted lovers, — got tired of her 
 and left her to die of a broken heart, and the old lady 
 brought a "per quod" for damages. 
 
 ' 1 dont know what you mean by " quod." "When 
 Ave used to send a fellow in the regiment to the black 
 ]ii)le, we used to call it " sending him to <[uod."' 
 
 'If you mean false imprisonment, it was nothing of 
 the kind.' 
 
 ' AVhat do you call " quod ? " ' 
 
 'Why, a "per quod" is one of those numerous fictions 
 that law is made up of : it supposes a daughter to be a 
 servant, and gives an action to the parent for abduction, 
 per quod, that is, by which means the aforesaid, and 
 before-mentioned, above-named parent, motlier, em- 
 ployer, mistress, and fifty other words that mean tho 
 same thing, lost the work, labour, assistance, and services 
 of the young lady, so metamorphosed into a servant. 
 All this is written out into an infernal long- paper, called 
 a "brief." as a legal joke. So now you know what a 
 "per quod" is.' 
 
 
 «^ 
 
ir.n 
 
 tttt: «r:.\?o\-YiCKr,T. 
 
 ' I'lit Avliat Tinker (he siiii was i( aLou', ? for yon f-ny a 
 cortaiii JNTrs. Swiiifcii was coiiaM'iied in it ; now, if iio 
 lia« liad anyliiin^ to do willi a v.'omaii, Icg^ally or illc- 
 ii'all}', (>({uital;ly or iiiiqiiitol*!}', at law or in clianccny, as 
 plaiutilT or defendant, a.s i)rinci))al or ai;'ent, any liow or 
 any way lliat it can be d( 'scribed or twisted by lawj'-ers, 
 and slie lias tnrned on him, and foni^'ht and scratched 
 liini — all I can say is, it sarccfi him rlijht. A woman, ;ind 
 a lawyer, what a set-to, eh / how they wonld {i,'ive lip, 
 ami mak<i the fur lly between them, wouldn't they '! 
 IJome, tell us all about the injured lady, and her le!j;;d 
 adviser.' 
 
 ' Well, T will tell you,' said the Colonel, ' as briefly as 
 I can: — r\Irs. Swinf{Mi claimed an estate worth r>(),()()0/, 
 under a will, and the question Avas, Avhether the testater 
 was of "sound dispi sini;* mind iind n^.emory," as it is 
 called, when he executed this will: if he was, tluMi 
 Madame would have it, if not, it would i^'o to tlu; heir-at- 
 law. Well, Thesiger (afterwards Lord Chancellor), was 
 ]\Irs. Swinfen's lawyer ; the cause came on to be tried, 
 and he saw it was i^'oing ag-ainst her, so ho com- 
 jn-omised the suit for an annuity of £1,000 a-year, and 
 th(^ ])aymcnt of the costs by the other side ; and a very 
 judicious arrangenK.'iit it appeared, but slic n^fused her 
 consent, and repudiated his act. Well, the trial was 
 ])rought on again, and by one of those chances that d<» 
 sometimes occur, she gained it, and has got possession 
 of the estate. Now she has brought an action against 
 Thesiger, for the loss she has sustained, by what she 
 calls "exceeding his authority "in settling the suit. — 
 do you understand ? ' 
 
 ^'Perfectly.' 
 
 'The cause camc^ on for trial lo-day, and she lost it, 
 and it was that trial I went to hear.' 
 
 'flow did she lose it? ' 
 
 AVhy, the gun was overcharged, burst, and damaged 
 the man that fired it off. Wom lawy(>r implicab^d the 
 juilge, Cresswell, who ti'ied Ww aclion that was com- 
 promised, and chaj'ged him and Thesi^'er with combiuiii^g 
 
 I 
 
HLACX JOIiS AND WHITE FAVOI'RS. 
 
 \')7 
 
 (llici- 
 
 '(I'llu' 
 
 top;othcr fo do licr out of the cstiito ; talked of tliiniMc- 
 j-jo-fvcrs, and used soino v.'ords imi>lyin,L;' corrnjilio'i, 
 (•pprcssioi), and so on. Tlio jury at onco i\>und tor 
 'i'licsiger. Now it appears +o nie, 1 could have gained 
 that cause for JNIrs. Swinfon.' 
 
 'Well, what would you Ikiao donn ? ' 
 
 'Wliv, in the lirst i)lac(^. 1 would have omitted llio 
 j\\(]'j;g altoo'otlicr, win had as litt'^^ to do witli it as I 
 iiad; and instead of ahusini^' Loi'd Cliclnisford, 1 vv-oulo 
 have extolled him to the ski(^s. ] should have told tli(; 
 jury I was hni)py to say I had no eliart^'o to make 
 ;i,u'ainst wiy learned friend, who was one of the 
 ahlest lawyers at the bar, and one of the best iudu'es 
 that ever g'raccd the woolsack, as well as one of the 
 most uprif^ht and a.ixrecable men in tiie profession ; but 
 that 1 thoug-lit, witli all due deference, he had mis- 
 conceived, in that particular instance, the powers and 
 authority of counsel in settliuL;' a cause, not C)nly with- 
 out the consent, but ac!,'ainst the wishes of his client. 
 That, howevor, was a question for the cour<, and they 
 would only have to assess tl o dnma.i^es, which would 
 await and fo!'ow the decision of the bench, on the lavr. 
 Such a course would havc^ insnred me a verdict be^'ond 
 a doubt. Now, I should lik(^ .Mis. Swinfen to act on her 
 own lawyer's opinion a^ to the liabilily of a counsel, and 
 tnc liim fur losinr/ Iter cause, by mismanaf^'in,':;- it, which in 
 my humble opinion lu^ most undoubtedly did. There 
 vrould be some fun in that : wouldn't thei'e, J]e;itson ? ' 
 
 'Yes, indeed, there would,' he replied. 'But, Colonel, 
 it's a pity j'ou hadn't been bred to the law ; you would 
 have made your fortune at it; you have a knack of 
 jiuttin.^' thing's briefly and ]tlainly, which very few law- 
 yers have.' After musing' awhik* tlionglil fully, ho 
 repeated the nanu; 'Thesiger,' Thesiger,' very slowly, 
 and remarked, 'That name is very lumiliar to me. I 
 recollect when 1 was in tlu^ navy (for 1 entered th;it 
 service first), there was a midshipman in our frigate of 
 that name, and a rollicking, jolly, good-hearted young' 
 fellow he was, too ; 1 wonder ^s■hat has become of him, 
 
 .• 4 
 
 :r.i 
 
 i^ 
 
mmmmmtt- 
 
 108 
 
 Till-: SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 for I lost si.L!,-lit of him after 1 went into tlic arm}', and 
 have never luMrd of him since.' 'Lord l)loss yon,' said 
 the Cf)lonel, 'the Jjord (Jhancellor is tlie same man.' 
 
 ' Wliat, htlle Thesi.L^'er Lord Chanceilor ! ' said tlio 
 other, s})rin<^-iii,n^ to his feet, with g-rcat animatif m. 
 ' \ u don't say so ? Chm1)ino' aloft came easy to him, 
 it fc. jcms ; and so now he is on the triicklehead, and g-ot a 
 Chancellor's wig on, ch? Well, I am right glad to hear 
 it. Dear me,' he continued, resuming his seiit, ' it seems 
 to me only the olher day he was sk^darking in the cock- 
 pit, and up to all sorts of pranks and deviltry. I re- 
 collect we once took a Spanish ])rize, loaded with cigars, 
 snuff, and all sorts of raw and manufactured tobacco. 
 Of course, we youngsters helped ourselves most libe- 
 rally. The snuff was in bladders of the size of foot- 
 balls : but as none of us used that, we amused ourselveis 
 by shj'ing it about at each other. The captain's clerk, 
 Avho messed with us, was a sneaking sort of fellow, and 
 used to curry favour with him, by reporting what was 
 going" on in the cockpit. So, in order to punish him, 
 one night Thesiger and I took one of these bladders, 
 cut it o}/en, and spread its contents gently all over his 
 liammock. When he came below, and turned in, as 
 usual, with a spring (for he was as active as a cat), ho 
 sent u]) a cloud of snuff that set him coughing, crying, 
 sneezing, and swearing like mad ; but the worst of it 
 was, it nearly choked the whole of us middies, upon 
 whom it had the same effect ; and when the oflicer 
 came below, to inquire into the cause of the row, he 
 tchee-hee'd and tcliee-hee'das bad as any of us ; and as 
 soon as he opened his mouth to speak, down went tlic 
 snuff into his throat, and nearly suffocated him with 
 coughing. He could do nothing but swear, stamj) his 
 feet, and shak(» his list at us. There was a precions 
 row, as you may suppose; but the best fun of all 
 wa« to see the young' sucking lawyer threatening to 
 report tin* cK^'k for trying to stifle us all like rats, by 
 attempting to conceal the snuff in his hammock. Dear 
 me, how 1 should like to see him again ! r)h, Colonel, 
 those were hap])y days we passed atluat. 1 alwayd 
 
BLACK. J0D3 AND WHITE fAVOlRS. 
 
 150 
 
 y, and 
 1,' SLiid 
 • 
 
 id lh(! 
 natioM. 
 to him, 
 d p^ot a 
 to hear 
 t seems 
 e coek- 
 I re- 
 cigars, 
 ;obace(». 
 st libe- 
 :»f f()<jl- 
 iirselveb 
 's clerk, 
 ow, and 
 hat was 
 |sh him, 
 ladders, 
 )vcr liis 
 in, as 
 cat), ho 
 cryin.u', 
 st of it 
 s, upon 
 oilicer 
 row, ho 
 iind as 
 cnt th(» 
 m with 
 amp his 
 n'ecious 
 1 of all 
 ninj^' t<» 
 Irats, by 
 Dear 
 IColonel, 
 always 
 
 regret having" loft the navy. I was fond of the sea, and 
 for years after I qnitfod the service, used to sleep in a 
 rot, that tlio swinging motion might remind me of the 
 rolling of the dear old ship, and rock mc to sleep, while 
 thinking of old times and of old com})anions. Thesiger 
 Lord Chancellor ! Eh? Well it's better than being laid 
 11)) as an old hulk of an admiral at Greenwich, ain't it ? 
 or turned out to grass, like a worn-out cavalry horse, as 
 I am. Come, pass the whisky, and I'll drink his health 
 in some good toddy. j\[any's the glass of grog we've 
 had together, wdien we were midshipmen. But, bless my 
 soul, how hot it is here. As j'on say, I never felt the 
 heat in tlu^ I^ast, as I do now, and I never suffered so 
 iinieh as I have to-day, even in the West Indies (which 
 I think the hotter of the two), but once in my life, and 
 that was at JJarbadoes. In the year 1819, the 4th, 5th, 
 lUh. and 21st KeginHUits went out to the AVest Indies. 
 1 was in the 21si, and we were stationed at Barbadoes. 
 It was a Fusilitn" liegiment, the oflicers all W(.re two 
 ci>aulettes, and w'cre literally covered with gold lace. It 
 was a crack corps, a thousand strong, and we had as 
 much attention jniid to us as if we were Guardsmen. 
 To arid to oui attractions, the oflicers, with one ex- 
 eeption, were single men. It was what Lord Comber- 
 mere, the Commander-in-Chief, wanted for the purpose 
 of disj'lay, so he kept us with him at head-quarters, at 
 Barbadoes, and the other regiments were distributed 
 among the islands. We arrived early in the morning, 
 and as soo.i as possible, disendiarked and marched to 
 our barrack. The colonel, as a matt(U* of course^ imme- 
 diately }fl'oceeded to Government House, and made his 
 report, when, to his astonishment, his lordshi[), who 
 was a dis(uplinarian of the old scho(»l, though otherwise 
 a good sort of man, forgetting that we had but just 
 laiid(>d from a long voyage, and had not even ])egun to 
 unpack, and establish ourselves in our ([uarters, informed 
 him that ho would riTeive the oilicers at Govcu-nment 
 House at two o'clock that same afternoon ! You may 
 easily conceive the consternation we were in ; it was 
 with the greatest dilliculty we could get at our baggage 
 
 
- t 
 
 100 
 
 TITi: FrAFOX-TlCKKT. 
 
 
 {111(1 oqnip onrsolvos full i]'^ in our rr.i:;MmcntalF; in ilnir. 
 Lilt it was ail ord(n, and wc were soldiers, and bound lo 
 obey tlic commands of onr superior oilicers, and by dint 
 of scoldin.ii,', freltinp;,-, workin.t;', and sweatin,^', we accom- 
 lilislied it at last : after whicii we bad to walk under • Ik; 
 broiling:; sun of tliat tropical climate, one interminabh; 
 long mil(; to J3ridL;'eto\vn, cased in our heavy torr-nx^vy 
 (the gold l;ic(! of Avliieh nearly put our eyes onl), our 
 li(\ads pilloried in the regulation stock, our ieet adiieriiig 
 to th(^ parcluMl Icutlier of our boots, and our swords 
 actually sing(Mng our hands. I never had such a niareli 
 in my life. It was enough to I'ave killed us all, and it 
 did lay many of us u[) for a long timr; — in fact, it is a 
 wonder it did not send half of us into hospital. In those 
 days, and indeed until very lately, commanding ofiicers 
 Keemed to be ignorant that there v/as any other climate 
 in the world than that of England ; and when we were 
 F(Mit abroad, we were clad in the same manner in tlio 
 West Indies as in Canada. Is it any wonder thattlie 
 mortality in our army is so great? Wc live by order, 
 and die by order. AVhat astonished us more than all 
 was, that an old campaig'ner like Lord Comlicrmen*, a 
 n:!an who had seen so much service, and had more 
 experience than most men, should have so pertinaciously 
 adhered to routine. The levee, like everything' else in 
 this world, eamc to an end at last, but the retreat wa;; 
 worse than the advances for th(3 heat became utterlv 
 in«upporlabl(! by three o'clock. You would have laugiicd 
 to have se(Mi Iho extraordinary figures we made on oiir 
 return to (piarters ; coats were unbuttoned, stocks dis- 
 carded, and sash<*s IhroAvn loose over the shoulders. 
 A\'hen wc reached our barracks, we were more dead 
 tlian alive ; sangaree, lemonade, tamarind water, and 
 the fatal i)unch, were called for on all sides, and vanished 
 as quickly as a pool before a drove of camels. 1 had 
 just emerged from my bath, and was lying exhausted 
 on my bed, when I heard shouts of laughter, and the 
 shudling of many feet, in the next room, and a dead, 
 heavy, irregular blow on the floor, that shook tin; very 
 doors and windows of the fra'^rilc house. Far above tho 
 
 k u 
 
BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 
 
 IGl 
 
 din ponndod tlio well-known Scotch accents of poor 
 ]\r;icpliorson, wlio was raviii^^ like a madman, and, as 
 far as I could judg'c, was hopping- about on one leg-. 
 " 1 Falloo," said T, to a brother officer who was passin*^ 
 my door, "what's all that row about?" "Only Mac,'* 
 Ik"' said, "making a few 'cursory remarks' on oui- p^rand 
 toin* to Government House; his feet have so swelled, 
 juid the leather so contracted with the heat, ho can't 
 L;'et his boots off. lie has four men tugging at them, 
 and every now and then he jumps up in a rage, and 
 Htamps and roars like a bull." " Go and cut them off,'' 
 I said, "he must not commence life in this country with 
 ail iidlammation, or ho will soon cud it with yellow 
 jack." 
 
 'Poor Mac! ho died soon afterwards, adding another 
 unit to the thousands of noble fellows who have fallen 
 victims in that fatal climate to regulation clothiiig. lie 
 was a great favourite in the regimen.t, respected for his 
 liiaveiy, and endeared to all by his kindness r»f heart, 
 and inexhaustible fund of humour. His origin was 
 linmble, being the son of a small tenant farmer on the 
 lianks of the Tay. One night, after having indulged 
 rather too freely (for he was a most imprudent fellow), 
 li(» said to me, " Beaty, I hope I shall survive this 
 climate, and hve to return to Perthshire. I have a mismn^ 
 and I shan't die happy if I don't accomplish it." " And 
 what is that?" I said. " You recollect my poor brother, 
 John, don't you, who fell at Waterloo?" "Perfectly; 
 I helped to carry him to the rear myself. 1 suppose 
 yon want to erect a monument to him." " No, sir," he 
 said, " with his eyes glaring hke those of a tiger, " but 
 1o ])ull one down, and to horsewhip the man that set it 
 up, within an inch of his life." 
 
 ' " Mac, Mac," I said, " pray don't excite yourself that 
 way. If you imbibe as freely as you have lately done, 
 and suffer your passion to get the better of you, depend 
 upon it, you will ne^■er livoto fulOl *your mission,* as 
 you call it." " Well, well," he replied, " for poor dear 
 John's sake, I will keep myself cool. We are poor, but 
 that is our misfortune, and not our fault. It is iiot'iing 
 
 AC 
 
1C2 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 to 1)0 asliamcd of nt any rate, ospocially by tlioso v:]\o 
 have as g;ooQ\ a podigreo as any family in Scotland. 
 But if wo avo poor, wo aro proud, Beaty ; and no niiui 
 liviu.L,^ wliall over hold us up to the ridicule of every idlo 
 Boutiierner who can hog, borrow, or steal a rod, to come 
 and lish in the Tay." 
 
 ' " Why, who has boon doinp^ that?" 
 
 * " Colin Campbell, the parish schoolmaster, he is tho 
 scoundrel who did it." 
 
 '"In what way?" 
 
 t a Why, my father put up a monument to my brothor, 
 and he got Colin Campbell to write the epitaph, whicli 
 he did, and had it cut on the stone, and there it stands 
 to this day, the laughing-stock of the whole country — 
 
 ' John Macphcrson was a very remarkable pcr.'«oii; 
 He stood six feet two without his tilioe, 
 And he was slew at Waterloo.' 
 
 *"W(dl," I said, "the versification is certainly not 
 very (dogant, though the e[»ita[>h is by no moans dovdid 
 of truth. lUit if you will ]»roniise me to tMke belter 
 care of yourself, 1 will writ(! you one more worthy et' 
 the occasion, and more befitting so distinguished a 
 member of the Macpherson clan, as your brother. Vnu 
 can then obliterate the present doggerel, and subslituto 
 mine for it. Now, good night, don't drink any more, 
 and go to bed." ' 
 
 The last words of Beatson coincided with the last puff 
 of my cigar, and both reminded me that it was also liino 
 forme to retire, and make an entry in my journal, of 
 * Bliick j(d)s and White favoui's.' 
 
A GALLDrAUFIlT. 
 
 1G3 
 
 No. VII. 
 
 A GALLIMAUFRr. 
 
 Gkntle reader, I know wliat you will say wlicn you sco 
 tlio title of this article. You will exclaim, 'Good 
 i;'nicious! what is a Gallimaufry? I never heard the 
 M'oi'd before — what does it mean?' It is not probable 
 you ever did meet with it; but I have often heard it iu 
 the rural districts of Warwickshinj and other midland 
 (Diiiities when I was younger than I am now, and it still 
 lin<>vrs there. It means a stew of various kinds of 
 cdihles, fish, flesh, fowl, and vegetables ; and when well 
 iiiiide, and properly seasoned, let me tell you, it is by no 
 incaiis an unsavoury dish. The gii)sies compound it to 
 this day lik(^ all their hashes (of which they are ex- 
 tremely fond), in a way to tempt any man whoso 
 appetite has not been vitiated by French cooks, who 
 ]i:iinper and provoke a delicate or diseased stomach, but 
 do not know how to satisfy the cravings of a hungry 
 inai), or give him a hearty meal. They arc not sub- 
 stantial fellows like Enghshmen, and their fare is like 
 tlieinseives, all puff, froth, and soullle. The Gallimaufry 
 at once tempts and satisfies. Hunters of all countries 
 have by conunon consent, adopted the same process of 
 cooking; and a similar dish is ftjund in Spain, as olhi 
 podrida; and among the North American Indians, as 
 Wiainpanoo. I have selected it as a word that describes 
 this portion of my journal, which includes a variety of 
 topics and anecdotes, some substantial like solid meat, 
 some savoury as spicy vegetable ingredients, and some 
 fra-^iiKMits to swell the bulk, which though not valuable 
 as materials, help to compeund the GaUimaufry. Fur 
 
 M 2 
 
 - •> • 
 
 ■5 
 
1G4 
 
 THE SEASON-TI(!KET. 
 
 instaiico, my jonrnjil ])Ofi;ijis from llio timo I loavo my 
 bed, and it tonninates at Southampton, tlio int(n-nu!dial(! 
 space bcin^^ filled with a narrative of all I have hciinl 
 or seen, or said or done. It is, therefore, made np of 
 odds and ends: such as it is, 1 now transcribe it f(ir 
 yon. May it justify its title. 
 
 Travellers are g-enerally early risers. In many coun- 
 tries it is absolutely necessary to be up lon^* before sup 
 i-ise, in order to finish a journey ere the heat of tho hi y 
 becomes ins ;^nor'! le. In town, and on ohipboard, this 
 habit IS reiid^.K.d iiicoiivcnient cither by the dusters and 
 brooms of ho\- 'iii i: is, or the holy stones and swabs of 
 sailors ; but wheie.vcr j 'acticable, it is a most healthy as 
 well as agreeable custom. Indeed, I have heard it 
 asserted of those who have attained to p^reat lonp^evily, 
 that nine out of ten of them have been distinguished us 
 ' p(H'p-o'-day boys.' Poor Richard has given us his ex- 
 perience in rhyme, to impress it more easily on tho 
 memory : 
 
 * Early to bed and early to rise, 
 !Make3 a inuii healthy, wealthy, and wise.' 
 
 I cannot say that I have always strictly complied willi 
 the first part of the advice (which, to a certain extent, 
 is rendered necessary by the latter;, because the artificial 
 state of society in which we live, interferes most incon- 
 veniently with its observance; but the early morn in th- 
 ought to be at our own disposal, and with the exception 
 of the two impediments I have named, (wdiich are by no 
 means insurmountable,) it is our own fault, if we do not 
 derive all the advantages resulting from it. 
 
 Long before tho doors and windows of the 'Britisli 
 Hotel* were unfastened, I sought the night-porter, and 
 was released from durance vil(», into the fresh open air. 
 I strolled over to Trafalgar-square, where I was shortly 
 afterwards joined by Cary. It was a glorious morning; 
 there had been a thunderstorm during the night, accom- 
 panied by vivid lightning and torrents of rain ; but this 
 inid ])assed away, and the air was cool and bracinti', 
 almost cold, while the sky was clear and unclouded, and 
 
A GALM>rAUFIlY. 
 
 Ifio 
 
 (l;iy was fast (lawniiif:; on tlic drowsy town. A few 
 carts ladori with garden stuff, woro wending' lliclr way 
 to tli(3ir vcs[icctivo markc^ts, thoug-h Cockspur-strcet is 
 not their ^(Micral tl)oronglifarc; and lioro and thon; an 
 ally traveller was procondin;,^ in liis overloaded cah, to 
 I station or a doc!:, about to rejoin his f.'unily, or per- 
 haps to leave them for over. A tired policeman paused 
 ami looked at him, more from having- little else to divert 
 his attention, than fro;n any doubt as to tlio honesty 
 of his pur^os^, and then he slowly resumed his weary 
 beat, ana for want of somebody to push on, tried to push 
 a dco" '^r two in to ascertain whether it was fastened. 
 A little /arther on, he paused, and as lie looked up at 
 the sky, coughed heavily, when a coquettish cap hastily 
 appcaved at a window in the attics, and as rp -.''y 
 withdrev,^. In a few minutes more the same hen i 
 was seen bending over the area-gate, which Cj '^no-, 
 mid admitted the watchman of the night. Whr s. fe- 
 guard a policeman is ! other people are let in clandcst ^ ie!y 
 to do wrong, but he is quietly introduced to d '^ect the 
 evildoer. No doubt he has seen a suspicious did. jJer in 
 that h juse, and anxious to do his duty, proceeded to ex- 
 ainiiie the kitchen, the i)antry, and the cellar, where 
 strange to say, things arc ofteiier missed, than from any 
 other part of a house. A detective instinctively goes 
 straight to the spot where a robbery is hk(>ly to be com- 
 mitted, and can tell at a glance whether there has been 
 collusion between those within and without the building". 
 It is necessary to try the contents of the decanters, and 
 to taste the viands he sees, in order to ascertain the 
 habits of the depredator, for, unlike medical men, they 
 make their own stomachs the tests of the contents of 
 bottles. The policeman, I noticed, must have been 
 disappointed in his search, for he returned without a 
 prisoner, which was evidently a relief to the maid, wdio, 
 after re-adjusting her cap, let him out with much good 
 humour at the contemplation of her safety from robbers* 
 but entreated him, for the security of the family, always 
 to have an eye on that house. A trusty servant and a 
 
lOG 
 
 Tilt; SKASOX-TICKIX 
 
 vig'ilant polircmfxn (Muiblo us to rcpDso in |>('aco; flio 
 oik; rclirs on llic otlicr, Jitid wo coiilidc in Ixtlli. Alas! 
 llicro were ollicrs wlio liad not only no lious(! to [notcct, 
 Itut no hnuu) to Klu'ltcr thcni. On tlio Kt(!ps of tin; 
 National (Jallory, and th(; ncij^ldtourin^ cliurcli, Avcn; 
 Hovcral poor Avrctclics, ])rin(Mpally females, extended in 
 hleep that resembled d(Nitli more tlian repose, and who, 
 liavin,!!,' been first drenehed by the rain, sou,j.;"ht refn;;-(3 
 there from its pitiless ])el(in^'. Starvation and luxury, 
 however, if not nearly allied, are close neighbours — the 
 only difference is the side of the Widl that separates 
 their lod^^in^s. AVithin. is all that wealth, station, and 
 connexion can confer ; without, all that ])Overty, want, 
 and degradation can inflict: and yet Providence holds tiu; 
 locale eipially and im})artially between the two. The iimer 
 wretch is tortured with g-out from indolent and luxurious 
 repose, and from farina- too sumptuously every day ; the 
 outer one with rheumatism or bronchitis, caused from 
 sleej)in,u; on tlu^cold stone steps of the rich man's house, 
 and from (>xposure to all weathers. The one cannot di<2;eKt 
 his food, and is dying' from dyspepsia; the other has 
 no food to digest, and ])erishes from starvation. Both 
 are poor, the first from living too fast or too pcnuriousl}', 
 and the other, from having not only nothing to hoard, 
 but actually nothing to live upon ; and yet the houseless 
 poor have sometimes the best of it. The rich have 
 l)roud ambition or jealous rivalry, blighted prosi)ects of 
 courtly honours, or an uneasy consciousness of possess- 
 ing no claim beyond their money to distinction. Nature 
 has, perhaps, denied them heirs, and they hate their 
 successors. The poor have no prospects to encourage 
 hope, and often cx])erience relief when they little expect 
 it. They have nothing to leave but poverty and rags. 
 It is sad to think that this dnnidful destitution is too 
 often the result of vice and dissolute habits. If tempta- 
 tion has been too strong and thus i)miished itn 
 victims, let the tempter look upon the ruin he has 
 brought on others ; and ere it be too late, make all llio 
 amends he can, to society, for the contaniination wilh 
 
A OALUMAUniV. 
 
 1C7 
 
 M'liicli lio liaK iiifcclcd i(, ii\u\ lo tin; wrcl('lio<l iiidivldiiaLs 
 tliciiisclvL'S, whom \n> luis iirst hd astray, aiul then IclL 
 to tlicii' niiscrahh; I'ato. 
 
 All itinerant cortcc-viMKlcr iiitcrniiiird ilii^so reflec- 
 tions, by taUiii.L;' up his stand neai* us, antl otTei'iii';' us a 
 cn|> of his aromatic l)everaL;'e, and a slice (»l" bread and 
 Imiler, ' all,' as lie said, ' foi* only t\V(t|>eiice.' I tasted 
 it: it was certainly none of tlu^ best, but I liave had 
 wors(3 at threi! times tin; ])ricc at a railway station, in 
 OIK! of their ij,'orn'(.ous rerr(>shnient rooms. It was, 
 however, ])rouonnced excellent by a wretched p,'rou|) of 
 the houseless bein^j^s, whoso shunbei-s the })oliceinaii 
 li:i(l ruthlessly disturbed, as ho called them from dreams 
 of food to the sad reality of actual stai'vation, and bade 
 them f/o ahoHt their husincss. N(!vcr before did so small a 
 sum as the Uwv shillings I had in my poi^kcit ])roducc so 
 much inrmediatc relief, llow heavily those words, *r/o 
 uhout your bif.'^incss,* fell upon my lieart ! Alas, their 
 business of life was well-nigh over; death had set his 
 seal upon most of tliom, and marked them for his own. 
 >leauwhilo the day was advancing with hasty strides. 
 The tide of foot-passeng'crs was rapidly increasing and 
 llowing eastward; the sound of many wIhm'Is was 
 swelling into a continuous runil)l(», like distant thuiuler; 
 and the city, hko a huge monster, was shaking off its 
 Bluiuber, and preparing for its daily toils. The suii 
 shone out brightly, and the homeless poor, 1 havo 
 mentioned, vanished from view liko si)ectres of night, 
 and wore scon no more. All was hurry-scurry, but 
 without confusion ; (jach ono was intent on his own 
 affairs, and only regarded others to avoid contact. As 
 we wore about returning to the hotel, Cary said, 'ITow 
 coolly you and your new acquaintances took the storm 
 ill the early part of last night. It was very violent 
 while it lasted; it was ono continued illumination of 
 lightning, and the thunder was awful. Like everything 
 else in this country, there was a truly Jh-itish earnest- 
 ness about it. England is so thickly jjcopled, I shouldn't 
 b(! nuich surprised if we heard of soukj sad accidents 
 having occurred. After 1 left the smoking-room last 
 
 1.^ 
 
 <• . 
 
los 
 
 Tlin SEASON-TICKKT. 
 
 iiip^lif, 1 oncountonMl a lady and her maid at tlio (list 
 laiidiiijL,^ Ijotli (>r whom were; in adrciullHI slalcol' alaiiii, 
 tlio foniH'i* ciitrcatiiifj^ lliat licr crhiolinn miinlit Ix; taken 
 olT, and tlif^ latter afraid to toucli it, having' known, as 
 who Haid, a man to be killed in consciinenfM! ol' ('Jirryin;;; 
 a RrytJK? on his shonldeis, which attracted the li;^htiiiii;;-. 
 Macli flash Avas followed by a Reicam, and oih; |»eal of 
 thunder was so lu'avy that it a])peared to Hhak(» tlic 
 house to its very foundation. Their terror render(>(l 
 them s[)eechless for a minute or two, when I heard the 
 lady nnitter in g-reat ap^itation and ag-ony, the words, 
 *' * So esiK'cially for both Houses of rarliamcnt, undn- 
 our most religious and most gracious Queen at this time 
 
 assembled ' Oh, dear ! that was very vivid ! I am 
 
 Buro it has affected my eyes ' ordered and settled by 
 
 their endeavours on the best and surest foundations.' 
 Oh, that bolt must have struck the house — how awful 
 this is." The maid, with equal incoherency, imitating 
 hov mistn^ss, repeated the first words her memory 
 supplied her with — 
 
 * "How (loth the little biipy hcc improve each shining hour, 
 And gather honey all the day from every opening llowcr.'' ' 
 
 Poor things, it was evident what their object was, but 
 ('([ually so that they were unconscious of the application 
 of the words they were uttering. " Oh, sir," said the 
 lady, when she ])erceived me, *'how dreadful tliis is! 
 1 am always so alarmed at thunder, that 1 lose all self- 
 ))ossession. Do you think there is any danger?" "Not 
 the least in the world," I answered ; " nobody was ever 
 killed by lightning yet." *'I have known many, many," 
 t^he said, with the greatest earnestness. "They died of 
 fright," I replied, "it is fear, and not hghtning that 
 kills, — so it is in drowning — you have heard of people 
 being restored to animation, after being submerged for 
 three-quarters of an hour, and others who have expired 
 in a few minutes ; the latter have invariably died from 
 fright, which has caused apoplexy ; their faces always 
 exhibit marks of extravasated blood." " Oh, dear," blio 
 said, " I wish I could be assured of that ; but trees, you 
 
 kn 
 
A GALIJ.MAUrnY, 
 
 1C9 
 
 IS is: 
 
 ill scir- 
 
 "Not 
 
 know, arc not afraid, ainl yet llioy av(* often struck, 
 
 Hplit, torn to pieces, and set on lire Uii, tluit clap is 
 
 nearer still — llu; li^litnin^" and tlnmder eaine tn^eilier 
 Hlniulliineously tinit time;" and then clasping' her liaii Is, 
 she resunie(l, 
 reli'^'on and — 
 
 you 
 
 })eac(; and happiness, truth and justice, 
 , " "Calm yourself, madam, 1 lieseecii 
 you," 1 said, "there is no dan;;-er hut in fear — tiiis in 
 my slttinft'-room, ])ray ho seate(l, and allow jiu; to (»lTer 
 you a smelling'-l)otll(\ iJon't he alarnie(l; as for 
 trees, you know, they have ve^a'tahle, and not animal 
 life, which makes all the difference in the ^vorld." 
 '• NVell, I never thou^-ht of that before," slu^ replied, "" I 
 sec it all now. It is, I know, very foolish to be so 
 nervous, and for the future I will think of what you an; 
 so good as to say, and endeavour to be calm and col- 
 lected." In a few minutes more the storm passed away, 
 and w'c separated with mutual <;ood wishes, to our re- 
 spective rooms.* ' You didn't mean \vhat you sup^p:ested, 
 did you ? ' I inquired. ' Of course not ; it was all I could 
 think of at the time to allay her fears. In my opinion 
 it w\as a very justifiable piece of deception, it could not 
 jiossibly do any harm, and, as you see, it did good by 
 calming her anxiety and fright. It is what we conven- 
 tionally call "a it7/?Vc //V," as wo desire our servants to 
 say "not at home," when we do not find it convenient 
 to see our friends.' ' Well,' I replie(l, ' I do not know 
 that deception is ever justifiable — truth, in my opinion, 
 is always to be preferred. If we order our domestics 
 to state what they know is not the fact, do we not induce 
 them, by our example, to take the same liberty with ns, 
 and for their own convenience, tell ns also what is not 
 true? Wc know that the custom is sanctioned by tho 
 usage of society, and means nothing more than we arc 
 not at homi to visitors; but servants arc unsophisti- 
 cated, and understand things literally. Would it not bo 
 better to copy he French in this matter? They say, 
 " Madame no rcQoit pas," or " Madame n'est pas visi- 
 ble;" this is at once truthful, and conveys the informa- 
 tion that is required.' *Do you mean to lay it dowxj as 
 imperative,' said Cary, 'that you must upon all 'jcca* 
 
 *. 
 
170 
 
 THE si:ason-ticket. 
 
 hIdiis Rny oxactly wljnt you tliink? If tli.'it is llio caso 
 yaii had hoiUiV t/iink (doud, iiH old Lord Dudley uscil In 
 do. IJjtdii OTK^ occjisioii, wlicii he saw ii youii^' damly 
 aintroaclirii;^' liiiii, lio cxclaiincd, "Oh hero comes llial 
 iiisnITerahh; youii.n' puitpy: 1 suppose* 1 must ask liim 
 to (hunor." To wliich tho other rejoiued, "If this old 
 bore asks mo to diuo, 1 supjtoso 1 shall liiivo to aceept 
 the; invitation." It is a well-known story, and I oidy 
 alludo to it J'.s an jipt illustration. What sort of a "world 
 would this bo, if we all aelod uj)on such a rule as you 
 l)ropose? — why w^' should all be at lo.i;\i;'crheads, one; 
 with the other, in no time.' * No,' 1 rei)lied, 'I mean no 
 Buch thing- ; we may think what wo please, but we can't 
 Hay whatever we choose; my rule is this — "it is not 
 always expeduMit to say what you think, but it is not 
 admissible ever to say what you don't think." ' • Well,' 
 lie observed, laughingly, in ordin* to turn the conversa- 
 tion, 'if I must say what I think, I am bound to state 
 that I am of opinion it is time breakfast was ready, so 
 let us cross over to the hotel.' As we entered the 
 coffee-room, he spied an old acquaintance; reading near 
 the wiiidow the Times newspaper. 'That,' he whispered, 
 'is (jJeneral Case. ITis family consists of himself, his 
 mother, and two daughters; they are a queer lot. lie; 
 is one of the best shots in Ijincolnshire, and can talk of 
 nothing but field sports; he is called "Gun Case." 
 i lis eld{>st daughter, who is goggle-eyed, is known as 
 "Stare Cas," and tlie other, who is as ugly as sin, and 
 sets up for a blue, bears the; sobriquet of "liook Case." 
 His mother, who is an enormous woman, and uncom- 
 monly cross, has Ihhmi nicknauKHl " Case us JJelli." 
 Tliey arci neighbours of mine, so I must go and speak 
 to him, though it is not \'ery ])leasant to do so befoix; 
 strangers, he is so very deaf; but "what (^an't b(^ cured 
 must ho endunjd," so here goes.' Cavy accordingly went 
 up to him, shook him by the hand, and inipiired how 
 Mrs. Case, his mother, was. As usual the general didn't 
 liear him, l)ut supposed lie was talking; of anunfortunato 
 womiui who had be(Mi killed by lightning the ])r(nii)r.3 
 evening, lie said, with a very solenni lace, ' she was 
 
A GALLIMAUFRY. 
 
 171 
 
 in tli(J slrcots very lato last iii';'lit, ])Oor wretcli, not very 
 si>l)cr. and was (Irciiclicil with rain. Just as sho waj4 
 iiiakiii;^* lor tlu.' colnniiadc of the Ojx'ra-liousL' for slicItiT, 
 slu' was stniL-k with li.Li'litiiiii;^', and thou,n"h licr clothes 
 were all wet, they were set on lire, and slio wiis killed 
 and dreadl'nily hnrnt. The ixilieo on;4ht to taku better 
 care of sueh i>eo|tle.' 'Ah,' said (.'ary, turnin.i;' to me, 
 'ain't this too hail- noliody in this honse seems to iiu- 
 deistand wiiat tliiy are talkin.L;' {d>oiit. That lady I 
 eneoiiiitered last ni,n'ht didn't know what she was sayinj^', 
 and instead of praying' l\)r herself, offered np Ji pray«'r for 
 Parliament; and thisman can't comprehend whatanybody 
 else savs. Nothiim' is more disai-'reeable than to talk to ;i 
 man who can't hear your conversation, and com[)els you 
 to repeat it in a louder tone. It draws attention to 
 you, and you can't help feelin<^ that you are rendering 
 yourself ridiculous to the rest of tin; company, when 
 ^^lloutin<:; out at the top of your voice some cominon- 
 jtlace observation, of which one-half of ;;-en(.'ral conversa- 
 tion is composed. I recollect once a Indiercuis instance 
 of this at the tabk; of the Iat(3 Lfird Northwick. JIo 
 
 had this intirmity of d( 
 
 ealness, so Dam 
 
 iful t 
 
 o ones( 
 
 ■If 
 
 aiK 
 
 1 
 
 so distressini;* U) others. 1 le recommended to th(3 notice 
 of a lady some sweet dish that was near him, when she 
 replied, "Thank you, my lord, I have some pudding*.'* 
 Not apprehending- her answer, he again and again, at 
 short intervals, urged her to taste the dish, and re- 
 ceived the same inaudible; re})ly, when the lady's siu'vant, 
 u country lout, considered la; ought to explain matters. 
 lie thei'efore approached !iOrd Northwiclv's chair, and 
 putting his. mouth close to liis lordslii[)'s ear, vociferated 
 with all his lungs, "My loril, missus ,"(1//^ as she II stick to i/io 
 puddiiii/.'* The effect was electrical, l)ut no one eujoyed 
 the joke better tlian the deaf lord himself.' 
 
 After breakfast we ])roeeeded to lh(3 Waterloo term!- 
 mis to await the train for Southiunpton. 'There arc 
 few stations in England,' said('ary, 'so inconv<'nient, so 
 eru\vd<'d, and so badly arranged as this of lIu; South' 
 
 West 
 
 ern. 
 
 At tin 
 
 nes, and especia 
 
 illy 
 
 on an excursion < 
 
 i:.y 
 
 like this, it is aluKJst hn])ossible to make your way 
 throu^di the coiiiplieuted crowd ul arriving and de|jurt» 
 
 * 
 
 *» 
 
172 
 
 THE SKASON-TICliKT. 
 
 iii^ })asRon^or.s.* Here you 8tiiinl»lo over lu,Lrp;'ai^o tliiit 
 (>l»slrii(;ts tli(! plalfonn, there you run a<;'Jiinst kouk^ dis- 
 tracted f(;nudo wlio lias Ikmmi st'parjitcjl from lier i)arty. 
 J Faviii^ recovered from tli(^ fall, ;ind the eollisiou, y(nir 
 shoulder is nearly disloeate(l by a trunk, carelessly ein- 
 iie(l on the back of a i)orter, or your foot is crushed iiy 
 tli(^ iron wheel of a handbairow. Then* aw, no means 
 of p:ettinp; across the interminabh^ station, you must ^^o 
 round it. Jfavin^ effected, with /^reat fatig'ue, this Iohl;- 
 j)edestrian journey, you arc uearly squeezed to death 
 by an impatient and sellish crowd, that assemble^ round 
 a ])i;:^eon-liole, and from whence tickets are issued. All 
 tidal currents exhaust themselves at last, and having- 
 waited for your turn, just as you demand your '' j)mss- 
 ])ort," the stagnant stream is Hushed by a fresh flood of 
 late comers, sweepinj:^ you from the port, into the estu- 
 ary beyond, from whence; you scvk the eddy again, 
 cross to the "custom-house," and, if you are lucky, get 
 your "clearance." No doubt the directors iiavc very 
 good reasons for not opening tlie narrow pane through 
 which these documents are issued, till ten niiiuiles 
 before tlu; dejtarture of each train, among which, 
 perhaps, the best is, th;>.t it is their sovereign will 
 and jdeasure. Railways were madi; i'(U' tlu; emolu- 
 ment of chairmen, directors, and engineers, and not for 
 tin; advantage of stockholders, or the convenience of 
 travellers. ()n(; line yields little; or no dividend, whih; 
 it pays its chairman Bome two or three thousand a year; 
 but he is a nobleman, and nothing can bo done in this 
 country without a peer. Snobs in the city arc so nar- 
 row and contracted in their ideas, that if left to them- 
 selves, I have no doubt they would select a man of 
 business to manage an extensive and complicated affair 
 like an cMiormous trunk line, iiaving countless branches, 
 ramifications, and suckiu's (miscalled feeders). But wliat 
 can you expect from people in trade, who have no ideas 
 beyond "the main chance? " Governmiuit acts on the 
 same principle: the Duke of Somerset directs the Ad- 
 
 * Since this was written, the Company have erected a .separato 
 station for the Iticlniioud and Wiudsgr line. Mr. Car^'a rldiculo 
 Lua had a good cllcot. 
 
A CALMMArFRY. 
 
 173 
 
 'i)ass- 
 
 0()(1 of 
 
 y, K<'t 
 
 mlralty Board, wlioso businops it is1ol)uil(llino-f»f-l)[iltlo 
 nliips, and llicii mzco Ukmii into licavy fri^Mtes, and 
 afterwards cut tlioni in two, lonp;tli('n tlicni, and pnt in 
 Ht('ani-LMi<»-incs. If the navy is very cxiKMisive, roo liow 
 niucli is doiu; : you build a Hhi|)— that counts ono; you 
 razco it — that makers two; you convert it, and that 
 counts for tl»rc(; siiips. Tiio John (iil})initcs "of credit 
 !Uid renown," in the city, say you have not three sliips 
 after all, but only one, wliicii costs as much as three;; 
 l)iit what do they know about ships? It's a ]>ity shop- 
 keepers won't stick to their own business, which Ihcy 
 do understand, and not meddle with affairs of state, 
 Avhieh arc above their comprehension. Well, the Colonial 
 Ofliee has nothinfj^ to do, and a Duke is i)laced at tin; 
 iiead of it, with heaps of under secretaries, head clerks, 
 under scribes, and an immense staff to help him. Lord 
 John Russell has radicalized Lon<lon to that d(\i;Te(^ that 
 its citizens slap their breeches pockets, which ar(,' full of 
 soverei^^'us, and say "money is no object, as far as that 
 ^■oes, but don't ])ay people (enormously for doin^j;" not hin^^, 
 who, to avoid tlu^ name of idleness, strive to brin;^'" sonie- 
 tliin^'- to pass, and always do it wron<^'. Let them play, 
 if you like, but don't let thcFU })lay th(^ devil." Lord 
 Kl«4'in, ^\'\\^i put vn the (*a?iadian rebels, and jfift 'loicnUu) 
 loyalists, is r(!warde(l with the; conunand of the Tosl- 
 ()i1ic(% a se!f-a(;tin,u; "traction carria|j;e," with four 
 wlieels, representing' the four quarters of th(» ^-lobe, of 
 which he is the very nc^cessary and useful "tilth wlircl." 
 'rhes(^ cavillers say ho is a mere ornamental a.ppenda«;'e, 
 for the working' ollicials an; so devoted to their duties, 
 tiiat a child of one of the res[)onsible olTicers was re- 
 cently born with the impressi<jn of a, peimy stanij) upon 
 its back. In short, the whole Whi^ (iovernnicnt pro- 
 fesses liberal principles, and (evinces its sinceril y by tilling' 
 every hig'h otlice with dukes, earls, and aristocrat ii; 
 scions. Wo an; a consistent people, and no mistake 
 Well, if the fi^ovcu'nment of the country is all wmou^', is 
 it any wonder th(^ mana^-ement of our iron roads is not 
 ri^ht? If secretaries of state don't know tluMr busiiM'ss, 
 how can you expect secretaries of railways to be wiser 
 f)r better than their superiors -^ Doi;kyaids cost twicu 
 
 •t 
 
 %■ 
 
174 
 
 Tlir SF-A SON-TICK 1:7. 
 
 aH much fiR ilioy arc worth, why Bhoiilchi't our " o'l'ont 
 hii(\" M'h(» ])ul)nc- aro taxed to Hni)i)()i't g(»voriiin(>nt, 
 wliy hIiouUI not hoklcrs of railway st(,ck be taxed to sup- 
 port cliairincn, directors, and engineers? Thofar-famccl 
 confusion of ]5alaclava is erpialled, or at any raterivall(Ml 
 at a f^reat terminus hke that of \\'aterloo. See what is 
 p,'oinn^ on now : the bell lias runp;', the time for depar- 
 ture lias arrived, and passen,i^ers seek the train. Jhit 
 alas ! the first carria^^e is full, and so are the others ; 
 one by one they visit them all in rapid succession. TIk? 
 more sturdy and pertinacious travellers are quietly 
 seated, and rej^-ard the anxiety of tlu; outsiders with 
 calm indiffercmce ; while one ])eihai)s, unworthy of ;i 
 seat in the first class, chaffs them as they in(]uirin,i;iy 
 look iato the carria^'(\, and says, " TIkm'c is plenty of 
 room here, if you could ^ i\\y find it!" The })orters 
 are so accustomed to this admirabh; arranj^emc'iit, tlioy 
 c(>ase to be sur])ris(3d at anythiiif^' that occurs. J^'inally, 
 oiui solitary seat is found for the Last "plac(»-huntei-," 
 vacant, but not empty, ai)propriated, but not en.<4'a.!j,'ed. 
 It is filled with parcels, shawls, parasols, and cloaks. 
 Two or three huhes, with looks of ^-reat dissatisfac- 
 tion, and evident feelin^-s of ill-usa,iLce, remove their 
 p^neral assortments, and the luckless traveller occupiers 
 his ])lace with many humble ap(»lo<i;ies for the incon- 
 venience he has occjisioned them, but with an iMternal 
 conviction, that if th(>re had becMi mon^ vacant s(miIs, the 
 hidies would hav(; filled them all in a similar manner.* 
 
 Fortunately for me, I had my 'Season Ticket,' and 
 had the coirrenience of leis<iU'ely securin<»' a seat, that 
 <;-avc me \\\v command of the window, wIkmicc I had 
 an opportunity of observiii;:;' the accuracy of many of 
 Gary's strictures on the inconvenience of the station, 
 and the inade(]uacy of its avran^'ements to meet tlu; 
 rcipiirements of such an extensive lin(». These wen; 
 ],ali)abl<» (Mioiigh, The analop^y, how(!ver, between \\u\ 
 iiaiia^emont of the affairs of a railway company and 
 thos?.! of iiio g'ovcrnment, thoup^'h amusinu;', was not 
 fjij!f( yin obvi "US to me who am no ],()litician. I prefer 
 ist"^ii)p' to ('ilicrfi !>■ venturing opinions of my own — • 
 • iXiii\K\: av'litor tautiun.* 
 
 i; 
 
A r.ALLlMAirRY, 
 
 1 "■' 
 
 Tlio rniTinp:o was i'n])i(l]y filled by Bovon ollior prrsons, 
 four ladies and tlircc «;'(Mitl(Mn('ii. Tlio four first appeared 
 to ('oiistitiit(3 a separato party, vhile tlu^ other tliree and 
 myself wore unknown t) them or to (S'lch otluM*. ' Cood- 
 hye, Shog-og-,' said Cary, shaking* mo by tho hand, 'I 
 Fl'iall ('Xi)ect to moot you to-morrow night again at thn 
 Ih-itish llotol.' ' Sheg-og-!* whispered ono of the ladies 
 in iny carriage to her nearest comi)anion, ' what a funny 
 name! I wonder if ho is any relation of (jlog* and 
 ^Fago^?' 'Why,' said tho other, 'ho is a male, you 
 nee, otherwise 1 should think \w was (jog's wife,' a 
 Fjilly which was repressed by a subdued hunh from tho 
 elder lady, and followed by a g*(Mieral titter. It is not 
 the first time my name has attracted ineonvoni(Mit atten- 
 tion, so I am accustouKHl to this sort of things and 
 rather enjoy tho jokes it p^ives rise to. Still, like ladies 
 of a certain ag(^, I am rea<ly to chang-e it for a fortune, 
 and am open to an offer. Brig'ht said tin; oih(>r night, in 
 the House of (^)mn>ons, thai a gentleman ho had never 
 seen or heard of had left him a largt; sum of money on 
 account of his advocacy of i)eace principles. 1 wish h(» 
 would introduce nui to such a friend, for I too an'; for 
 'l)eaco at any ])ric(^' and I avouM condescend to accei)t 
 his fortune, and adopt his n;ime. 
 
 No name, however, can escape from being" turned 
 into ridicule by adding* to it a droll prolix. L'/on, whom 
 I know at collog"o, a g'reat coxcomb, was everywliero 
 greeted, to his serious distress, as ' Daiuhj Lyon.'' Xo 
 man was ever more annoyed than ho was by tlii di- 
 (Milous joke, and g*reat was his rehef when he ini- led 
 nn estate, with the privileg'o of assuming; tho name of 
 ''Winder.^ Had ho laid asldo his absurd styhM)f 'ess, 
 it is possible ho mig'ht thus have es(;aped the rid ile to 
 wliicli ho had oxj)Osed liims(!lf; but his relent! com- 
 piinions merely altered his nicknam(\ and he \, as ever 
 afterwards known as ^ Beau Winder.* I have always 
 thought my parents did mo great injustice, a> they 
 could not give mo a fortun(», they might at least have 
 i;e(|ueathed to mo 'a good name' 
 
 Tho first thing* after adjusting' and scttUng y- u'self 
 
- r 
 
 170 
 
 TITE £.ij:APOX-TirK\!;T. 
 
 \l 
 
 ill a rarria.ccG ih to take a rapid nY'oinioitrin.o,' plnnoo at 
 your fellow-travellers; and 1 have observed lliat the 
 survey is generally one of dlsapp.)intment, judgiii;^^ from 
 the nianiK.'r in •which people close their eyes and affect, 
 to sleep, or search for a ])!iper or a hook with which lo 
 occupy iluMnsclves. TIk; family party had all th(^ talk 
 to tliemsclv(^s; one, wlioni tho others addressed as 
 
 * Aunty,' had, as a] tpeared from her conversation, been 
 a jij'i'cat traveller in her day, afid, like; most travellers, 
 (»very inf;id<'iit she related liad happcne(l to herself, 
 every aiUTdoto referred to parties whom she knew 
 personally, and evcny witty speech was either addressed 
 to her, or uttered in lier presence. ' Didn't you find a 
 great inconvenience, aunt,' inquired one of tluj younger 
 ladies, * in travelling in Russia and the north of Europe {' 
 
 * 1 never let little matter's disturb me, my dear,* she 
 repli(Hl ; 'if everything went smooth with you, lilV 
 would l»e like a calm day on 1hc water at Venice, a 
 level glassy surface, sails flapping against the mast, 
 your bark maintaining its monotonous roll, a burning 
 Hun, and a listless existence. We need excitement, my 
 dear ; wc require change, even if it be a gale, a thunder- 
 slorm, or a whit(^ RiiuaJl. Tho delays, privations, 
 discomforts, and even dangers of travelling, by the 
 all(»rnation with their opposites, render the reminis- 
 t'.enccs of thes(^ things most charming. If we could go 
 round the woild on a railway like this, it would be tin' 
 most insipid toiu* imaginable, too tame, too easy, and 
 too inn-aried. '" / took vvj satisfaction with mc,'' my dear, 
 as poor old Sally PMlips uschI to say, which, I believe, 
 is the only iv\A\ way to enjoy travelling, and most other 
 things in this world. Yon remend)er old Sally, don'l 
 you V She lived in our village, near Chickw(^ed Hall, 
 and used to assist the gardener in weeding, sw(;eping 
 the lawn, and such matters. Well, I onc(^ gave her an 
 outing to London, and when she returned, I asked her 
 liow she lik(Hl it. "Well, ma'am, she ri'plied, ^' I took 
 vni satisfaction with me. I always does, and in course I 
 always returns home ))l<\ase(l. Oh! it <lid me a power 
 of good, too ; fur 1 had been ailing for some time, and 
 
 ii 
 
A a/VLi.nrAL'jnv. 1/7 
 
 ;il lust I was so had, 1 was throo days in IxmI -with tli(i 
 (loclor. Oil! iriJi'aiii," slio contiinu'il, '* it was a j^raiid 
 si^iit every way was London ; I kiiowcd it from all 
 acconnts before J went, and yet all T licard did not come 
 ii|) to tiie trutli." Poor old Sally, she was an honest, 
 laiilil'nl ereatnre ; hut Avlien aii'^ry or excit(Ml, she inad<5 
 a strange jnniltle of h(>r stories. 1 reeolleet her oneo 
 (•Milling to me in great haste, cnrtsying down to the 
 groinid. in spite of her agitation, and exclaiming, ''Oh! 
 dear ma'am, a most dreadful thing has hii[)|»en(3d to mr, 
 and, saving yonr jti'esenec, I will tell yon all abont it. 
 When I eamci hom(3 from market this evening, 1 bronght 
 my head with me, as 1 generally do, when 1 find it is 
 reasonable. Well, jiia'am, my hnsband, yon se(», s|)lit 
 my head for me." " Good graeions ! Imw dn^adfnl," 1 
 said. '• Yes, indeed, ma'am, it wasdre.adfnl, as you say, 
 lor li(* had washed it nn^ly afterwards, and taken my 
 brains onl, and put them altogether into a bnek(>t, and 
 1 had jnsl left him for a miinit(^, to go into the next 
 room to straighten myself, when I her* d an awful 
 smash. ' Ivutli,' says I, to my daughter, "as sure as 
 Ihe world, there's my head gone, brains and all.' So I 
 iiishes baek to the kitchen just in tinu^ to see Mrs. 
 havies's unhieky dog run off with my beatitiful head 
 in his mouth, and all my brains on the tloor. Th(5 
 moiniMd; I saw him 1 screamed out, M)ropmy head, you 
 nasty bnite ;' but uo, off he rnns with it in his mouth, 
 and ne\(i- stnps till he gets nndcH" jNlrs. Davies's liay- 
 staek, and begins to gnaw at it. So on 1 goes to 
 Widow Davies, and says J, 'Mrs. Davies, your dog has 
 made uway witli my Ix^autiful head and s))ilt all my 
 hiains.' *lf he saw any l)eauty in i/niir head,' said she, 
 lessing her ngly face u)) with sc(n-n, 'it's jnon; than 
 ever 1 could; and as for brains. vt>n never luul anv.' 
 Says 1, 'It's my sheep's head.' 'Oh! the sheep's head, 
 is it ( Well, you onght to have taken better care of it, 
 that's all 1 have to say. JUit I never interfere with 
 liubudy's business, iKit I indeed ; as wc^ say in the north— 
 
 ' Who inell.4 ;vj(U \v\K\t anoUier doe.-', 
 Had bc-st '^Q home uiid ^'lioe li's i;oozj.' 
 
 N 
 
- t 
 
 178 
 
 Tin: SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 Hays I, ' Mrs. Davics, tliai's I'ot the (|UC«iion ; will you 
 iiiukc; jn'opcr amende, and y;\\'() iiu; another head as 
 liiiiidsomo as iiiiiic, with bntiiis too.^' With that she 
 licw into ji tcarin.ii," passion, and, savin^j; your presence, 
 ma'am, she said, '(jIo to the dinil,' so of coursi! I came 
 ri^ht oiT ^0 7/0?/." Poor old woman, bIic died in Chick- 
 weed Hall liospilal, as my father used to call the house 
 he built for his jx'usioners.' 'Aunty,' said one of the 
 youn""' ladies, to whom Aunt Sidly did not a[»pear hnlf 
 as amusing* as her namesake did to the Duke of ]3eau- 
 fort, 'look at this photo,L;'raiih of ('htirh^s, is it not a 
 ajjital likeness ?' ' It's justice without mere//, my dear,' 
 I'cplied the old. lady, 'as all ))hoto^rai)hs are; they 
 diminish the eyes, and ma^^'uify tin; nose and the mouth, 
 and besides, they make peojih^ look older.' 'Then they 
 ar(i neither just nor mercifid,' was the retort of tlu; 
 sharp youn;^^ htdy. 'No, dear, they are not,' continuetl 
 the aunt, lookin^i;* sentimental, ' neither are they llatter- 
 in^^ J>ut what does it si^'iiify after ;dl, for iu a few 
 nhort years they Avill fade away, and be for;^'otten, lik(! 
 ourselves. 1 was wry much shocked by a conversation 
 I overheard the other day, at Briii^hton. I w\as ii> 
 Smith's, the old china dealer's shop, near the Pavilion, 
 Avheii J saw Sir John INluIIctt Moproachin<;', and as 1 did 
 not fee: inclined to talk to him, 1 slip})ed into the back 
 room, but had not time to clos(; the door after me, so 
 1 was very I'cluclantly compelled to listen to his con- 
 vei-sation — "• Smith," said he, " have j'ou ^'ot rid of my 
 father yet f "No, Sir John," he replied, "1 have 
 done my best for you, but nobody wants Mm, they say 
 he is too lar;i,'e; but I'll tell you what J. have been 
 tiiinkin.t;-, Sir John! iiow would it do to cut his legs ofi' 
 below the knees, there would be enough of him left 
 then, for it a])pears to me, they an^ by no means the 
 
 \h (;ad!'' said the other, "that's 
 
 b(>st 
 
 )art oi limi 
 
 (( 
 
 a capital idea: liav(^ his legs taken off innnediately, 
 tho' let the job be done neatly, don't let liim be tlis- 
 iigured, you know. But stop ! don't talk about it," he 
 continiK'd, "for ill-natnrod peopl(» might make a good 
 btory ont of my cutting off my father's legs, and all 
 
 bord 
 iii K[ 
 
A r.At.LIMAUFin*. 
 
 17(1 
 
 1 you 
 id as 
 it bIic 
 scnw, 
 
 caiiu; 
 Oliick- 
 liousc 
 of tlu^ 
 ii* lialf 
 
 Jk'au- 
 
 ii(»l a 
 ' dear,' 
 ; tlwy 
 
 lllOlllll, 
 
 '11 llicy 
 ■A lilt! 
 iiliiiuctl 
 llattcr- 
 a iVw 
 cii, lik(! 
 
 was i" 
 avilion, 
 
 s 1 did 
 
 u! back 
 
 iiu^ f^o 
 
 is ('"11- 
 
 ot' my 
 1 liavt! 
 lioy say 
 (J bi'C'U 
 |U>o-s oil 
 iiim k'lt 
 ins ilio 
 "tliat's 
 
 dialcly, 
 
 1)0 dis- 
 it," li(> 
 
 a p'ood 
 
 and all 
 
 Miat sort of tliinp:, cli?" And away ho Wont, lan.i^hiii.L;* 
 to himself, as if ho h.ad said a good thin«^. When tin; 
 coast was clear, I returned into the shop. "For good- 
 ness gracious sake, Mr. Smith," I said, " what was that 
 wicked, heartless man, Sir John Mullett, directing you 
 to do with his respectable old father?" " Why, ma'am," 
 said Smith, " lu; has a fnll-length ])ortrait of his late 
 father, presented to the old bjironet for eminent ser- 
 vices; it is too largo for his rooms, at least he fancies 
 80, and ho wants to sell it, and 1 advised him to reduces 
 tli(3 size, which would make it mon; saleable, for it 
 really is a good picture, by Sir Thomas Lawrence." 
 "Yes," I replied, "that is very true, but if re(luced in 
 size, it would suit his rooms, as well as those of others." 
 lie shrugged his shoidders, and observed, " thcd was a 
 matter of taste." " It may be," said I, " but it certainly 
 is not a matter of feeling." 1 shall uever luive my 
 likeness taken, dear, 1 luive no idea of my legs being* 
 cut off, that 1 may not occiqiy too much s|)ac(; on tin; 
 wall, or be made a target of, as my great-grandmother's 
 portrait was by my younger sisters in the archery 
 ground.* 
 
 ' Yes, but you know, ladies arc not painted in 
 !i ])icturc hke gentlemen ; but how funny it would 
 beif— 
 
 * I lush, dear, don't be silly now.' 
 
 ' Well, you might have a miniature taken, j'-ou know, 
 nnd that occupies no room.' 
 
 'Yes, but even that, if done by a f1rst-rat(* artist, 
 would sell for money, and sold I should be to a certainty; 
 nnrl, what is worse, ridiculed for the; extraordinary way 
 old women arranged their hair in '51), for the bad tasto 
 with which I was dn^ssed, and the total absence of 
 diamonds. Last week I was at Storr and Mortimer's, 
 and I saw on the counter some very beautiful miniatures, 
 most exquisitely })ainted. " These," I said, " arc sent 
 here to be reset, I suppose?" "No, madam," was the 
 answer, " they are for sale. They are likenesses of 
 Lord Southeotc's ancestors, taken bv the first artists 
 Ill Luropo, of the different periods in which they wero 
 
 N 2 
 
 « 
 
ISO 
 
 Tiin ,-kasox-ticki:t. 
 
 
 Tlii.s (rxliildrmo' ono in particulur), is an onanv-l of lli(> 
 Louis C2«iat()r/(* jtci'iod, ii portrait of tliat rar-iiUiK (I 
 lM\'iuly, tlio wife of lii(» second loi'd. SIk* was rcclvoiicil 
 tlio liaii<lsoni('st woman in Kn^'land <»f li'T day." I 
 turned from cnntcmplalin^L;' them, with Iccliu^i's 1 cannot 
 cxpi'css. All, my dear, succeeding ;:,'eneratinns an^ like; 
 the succeedin'T waves of yonder vast Atlantic. They 
 ^'atlier streii^tii and Ki/(^ wilii tiu^ storms that hft thein 
 from their cahn existence, and ur^^-e each olher onward 
 \n their ceaseless course, till they successively break on 
 (he, ru;;';j;'e(l shores that imprison them, I'ecfiil inlo the 
 inmiensily of ocean from which they sprun;;', minuk; 
 with its wat(M's, and are lost t<> view for (»ver. They 
 h'ave no trace hehind them. One ^'eneration has as 
 litll(3 sympathy for that which jireceded it as one wave 
 luiR coiuiexion with another. Wc look forward with 
 hope, hut rop;-ard th(i i)ast with awo or re^-ret. We may 
 control the future throu^'h the a;L;'encv of the present, 
 but the past is irrevocable. Our sym))athies are with 
 our own contemporaries, and (uir living descendant.. 
 The dead an; dreams of other days, dark dreams tot», 
 and full of mystery. No! i)aint me no jjorti'ait ; when 
 the reality departs, l(;t then; be no shadowy unsuh- 
 
 Ihe likenes> 
 and one, t<i(>. 
 
 Htantial ])icture! Few woulil n-cof^'uiso 
 it would l)(! but a face and nothing; more, 
 that borrows or assumes an expression for the ()ccasi<»ii. 
 JMemory wants no aid from an artist, it cn<;'raves the 
 iina.i2,-(^ of thos(^ we love on tlio heart, and it retains the; 
 inward qiudities as well as th(> outward lineaments. We 
 li\(^ while thos(; who love lis live, and wc ])erish Avilh 
 them ; jiosterity knows us no moix; than if "we had never 
 been. We must die, dear, jind be forp,'otton, it is tlu; 
 law of our nature; but 1 neither wish to b(» ])ainte(l 
 Avheii jdiv(>, ntzccd when dead, nor sold as "the Lord 
 knows who," by a London jeweller.' 
 
 ' J]y-the-by, Aunty,' said oiu; of tlu^ younr;' ladies, by 
 way of clian,L!,-in,L;' the conversation, ' did you buy one "f 
 those wonderfully cheap i^'old watclies, in the city, 
 yesterday, for me, at that f;-reat bankrupt sale, near 
 {St. raul'h]?' 'iSd, my dear,* said the old lady, willi 
 
A r..\i,i,nr\T:rnA*. 
 
 181 
 
 illiinl 
 
 '." 1 
 
 ;inn<)t 
 r. likt? 
 Tlicy 
 , them 
 iiwaiil 
 •;ik (111 
 
 to lilt' 
 
 minult' 
 Tliry 
 
 il witli 
 ro may 
 
 '0 ^vitll 
 ndiiiit. . 
 
 IIS 1<"N 
 M-]icii 
 
 luisuli- 
 
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 •casioii. 
 
 cs til'' 
 
 liiis tli'^ 
 s. We 
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 is the 
 paiiitrtl 
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 Jdies, l-y 
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 Iw. city, 
 
 lirar 
 
 
 A\ 
 
 iiU 
 
 jjfrofit animation, M IxMiuht nolliinu', I w;..-; only too 
 !;hul to p't safely out of the shop. Never f^fO to theso 
 iari^'o atlvertisin^t;* cstalilishnieiits that |»roniis(» snch 
 extniorilinary har^'uins, they aro all cheats. I never 
 was in such a place! befon; in my lil"(\ 1 saw ))lacanls 
 ill lar<^c Mack and red h'tters, stuck uj) everywhere, 
 that th(M'ITects of a haiiknipl had been purchased at a 
 discount of sixty per ecnt. below )»riiiie enst, and that 
 as the sal(^ was i)ositive, they "were to be disposeil of 
 at an enormous sacrillce. So, as 1 had to l;(> thronni' 
 the city on my way from lh(» Shoreditch station, 1 
 confess I was silly enou;;h to bo tenii)ted to look in, 
 iiit<Midin^' to make a })urchase for you. As soon as I 
 entered, two ill-drcsscd men, out of a crowd of atten- 
 dants or conspirators, beset me, one on one side, and 
 (iiH^ on the other, talking- and boast inii;' as loud iis they 
 could. 1 was shown, or nearly forceil up staii's, and, 
 on my way there, ])ass(Hl a lady who appeanjd (piiti^ 
 alarmed, thou;;h she; Inul a pMithMnan with her, and if 
 1 had bad my wits about me 1 should have joiiu'd them, 
 and made my escape; but, as 1 am not easily fri,i;litened 
 (having* travelled so niiieli), on 1 went, and found myself 
 in a lar;j,'e u|>[)er room, tilled with every kind (»f showy, 
 trashy stuff. 1 had hardly reached this place, when a 
 slio|)man shoutcHl out from below, " Have you any mon* 
 of those diamond rin;;"s!'" '' \o,'* was tlu; answer, 
 delivered in an e((ually loud tone, to attract attention. 
 '• No, they Jire idl sold; Lady (jlrosvenor took the last 
 fom* this morning"." And a<^ain, " Have you sent those? 
 six court dresses to the Austrian And)assador's /" 
 '• Ves, and bis (^xcelhmcy will bo obliged if one of tho 
 you!i<;' ladies wiii wait upon him with some more this 
 evening"." " Send down one of those sjilendid Turkish 
 hearth-ruf^s for a lady to look at, also one of the lifty 
 piinea dressing- cases." " All sold, cxcej)t one, and 
 that the Duke of W'elliiig'ton has just sent for." All 
 this, and much mon^ stuff of tlu; same kind, })assed 
 between them. ''Have you any g'old watches?" I 
 asked, "I observe you advertise theni /" ''Sorry to 
 say, madam, y(ju are to(jlate; wo had many hundreds 
 
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 23 WEST MAi;4 STREET 
 
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182 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
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 y(^Rtor(lay, but Savory and Co. camo tliia morninf^ and 
 ixHiglit tlKMTi all up; lln-y said tlioy were so dirt clionp 
 they would ruin the trade ; cost twenty pounds a-})iece, 
 and sold them at four. But here arc some clocks," 
 showing me some Sam Slicks, put into tinsel and 
 varnished cases. " Capital articles ! Can afford to sell 
 them for next to nothing. Tremendous sacrifice for 
 cash !" " Thank you, I do not want one." " Keeps 
 wonderful time. Mr. Gladstone bought one; we call 
 the new movement the Gladstonometer, after him." "I 
 tell you I don't want a clock, I asked for watches." 
 " Beautiful India shawl, ma'am, just look at it," 
 R))reading before me a wretched affair, only fit for a 
 kitchen maid. *' That," said I, resolutely (for I am a 
 judge of India shawls), " is neither Indian nor French, 
 but a miserable Norwich imitation, and is made of 
 cotton, and not silk." " Pray, may I ask you," said 
 the fellow, most impatiently, " are you in a position to 
 purchase an Indian shawl f " I am in a position, sir," 
 I said, " not to put up with insolence." The door was 
 obstructed by several of these people, so I said in a 
 firm voice, " Allow me to pass, sir, or I shall call a 
 policeman." " Which, if you do not," replied my 
 ]xn*secutor, "/ most certainly shall. Make room for 
 this lady. What was the cause of your intrusion here, 
 ma'am, I know not, you certainly never came to jmrchase, 
 whatever your real object may have been. Smith, see 
 this lady out. Below there, two upon ten" which I 
 believe is a slang term that implies " keep two eyes on 
 that person's ten fingers." I never was so rejoiced 
 lis when I found myself in the street again, and was 
 enabled to draw a long breath, and feel assured that 
 I was safe. I must say, it served me right ; I had no 
 business to go there. I have always lieard those places 
 were kept by scoundrels and cheats ; but I could not 
 bring myself to believe that they dared to do such 
 things in such a public place, and in so unblushing a 
 manner. Many a timid lady is plundered in tliis way, 
 by being compelled to purchase what she docs not w^ant, 
 and to accept some worthless article in exchange for 
 
A GALLT:\rAUrRV. 
 
 183 
 
 llio money rIic is bullied out of. Tlio form of sale ia 
 {i<loi)tcd to avoid tlio teclinicalitios of law, and to 
 divest the affair of the character of a larceny ; but in 
 fact it is neither more nor less than a robbery. If you 
 want a good article, my dear, you must pay a g*ood 
 price; and if you desire to avoid deception, go to a 
 respectable well-known shop. But hero wc arc at 
 AVinchester ; I think T see Charles on the platform. 
 Now see that you don't leave your things behind you, 
 Jane, in the carriage, as you so often do. I have only 
 thirteen packages, and tluy are easily found.' In a few 
 minutes the family party left us, the bell rang, and wo 
 were again on our way to Southampton. 
 
 The gentleman who sat opposite to me returned mo 
 the Times which I had lent him on leaving Waterloo, 
 and I said, ' What do you think of the news to-day, of 
 the Emperor reducing his military and nav.al forces to a 
 ])cace estabhshment?' 'I thiidv it is a very significant 
 liiut to us,' he replied, ' to be prepared for an invasion. 
 Napoleon never makes an assertion that is not cidcu- 
 lated to induce a belief of its being the very opposite} of 
 what he really thinks or intends. lie is one of those 
 who fully believes in the saying of an old epigram- 
 matist, that " language was given to men to conceal 
 their thoughts." I regard his acts and not his prot(^s- 
 tations ; one are facts, the other delusions. If I must 
 interpret liis language, I do so by comparing what ho 
 says to Frenchmen with what he addresses to foreigners. 
 He proclaims to his people that the defeats at Moscow 
 and AVaterloo arc to be avenged, and that all those 
 who occupied Paris, and overthrew the empire, must in 
 turn be punished. His mission, he says, is to effect 
 this grand object. The first part he has fuKilled by 
 humbling the pride of Russia, in the destruction of 
 Sebastopol, and Ihe capture of the Iledan ; the second 
 by driving the Austrians out of Italy. Prussia and 
 England are still to be humihated. The lihinc j^ro- 
 vinces will appease his anger against the former, wlio 
 will have to light single-handed, and will probably pur- 
 chase her peace by the cession of her frontier posses- 
 
 A 
 
 ■? . 
 
 
 r 
 
 . It 
 
181 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 pioTiR. Kn^c;'laii(l lin« a, long* son* os of victories, l>y land 
 and by scu, to atoiio for. Every Froiiclimuu Avill jally 
 round tlic Emperor in this strii,ii,'g'le for life and deal h. 
 and expend liis blood and his treasure to j^-ratity tlu> 
 lonf^-cherished reveng-c, '•'' Ddcnda est Cartliago.'" To 
 Europe lie says, " the empire is peace," and in proof of 
 his pacilic intentions, he has reduced his military and 
 naval forces. AVhat does he call a peace establishment I 
 Before the Italian war he solemnly denied that he was 
 arming-, and yet every arsenal in France was occujncfl 
 day and nig-ht with pre])arations for war, both by sea 
 and land, Avhilc rilled g"uns and their carriages, packed 
 in heavy cases, were shi^jped to Italy as merchandise, to 
 elude ol)servation, and every arrangement made for a 
 sudden and successful invasion. For the maintenance 
 of his enormous army there may be plausible reasons 
 assigned. It may be said, that as a continental power 
 he must be ready for every contingency, wdiere his 
 neighbours pursue tlie same suicidal course of expending 
 their resources on their military establishments ; but 
 what is tlie meaning of the enormous increase of his 
 navy? One quarter of his fleet is more than sullicient 
 to annihilate that of America, and one third of it is able 
 to cope with that of llussia, which can never be a for- 
 midable maritime nation. Austria, Prussia, and tli(> 
 other great powers have no navies worth mentioning. 
 What, then, is its object? Can any reasonable man 
 doubt that it is a standing menace to England, and that 
 as soon as it can be raised to a numerical majority, it 
 will be let loose upon us ? If this is his peace estab- 
 lishment, nominally reducing his forces means being 
 ready for every emergency, and making no alteration 
 whatever that will interfere with immediate action. 
 Sending soldiers to their homes looJcs pacilic, but is an 
 artful dodge to save for a time the expense of paying 
 them ; for though they are absent on leave, a tele- 
 graphic message would bring every one of them back to 
 their respective regiments in ten days. In like manner, 
 his foreign conmierce is limited, and his sailors can be 
 reassembled at a moment's notice. It is a well-cou' 
 
A CALLDrATTRY. 
 
 IS't 
 
 iil nillv 
 
 • 
 
 . (Icalli. 
 [ify tlio 
 ." To 
 
 il'OOf of 
 
 iiy and 
 luiiont ! 
 ho was 
 (CCiipietl 
 by sen 
 packed 
 idise, lo 
 le for a 
 LtenaiiC(.i 
 reasons 
 \\ power 
 icre liis 
 :pendin<;' 
 its ; but 
 c of liis 
 uifficieiit 
 it is able 
 )C a for- 
 and tlie 
 itioninp,'. 
 bio 111 a 11 
 md that 
 ority, it 
 cstab- 
 s bcin,!;' 
 teratiitii 
 action, 
 it is an 
 payin«,^ 
 a tele- 
 baclv to 
 manner, 
 can 1)0 
 rell-cou- 
 
 reived, bnt ill-diso-nised trap laid for up, in hopes tlmt, 
 Ave bliall bo induced by our credulity on tli(^ one hand, 
 and our AFancliester ])()liticians on Iho other, to aee('[tt. 
 liis promises as honest, and disarm also. Ihit oven if 
 bis reduction were real, and not nominal, disarmament 
 by the English would bo followed by very diffenMit 
 results. If you disband your soldiers you can never lay 
 your hands upon them again. If you pay off your 
 sailors, as you did at tho termination of tlio Crimean 
 war, the consequence would bo equally disastrous, for 
 when wanted they will be found scattered, like our 
 conimerco, over every ])art of the world. Na])oleon, on 
 tlie contrary, has nothing to do but to stamp his foot on 
 the ground, and up will spring live or six hundred 
 thousand soldiers, together with all tho sailors of 
 I'Vancc, trained, discipliued, and effective men. In tho 
 mean time, every shi]) in ordinary will bo kept in readi- 
 ness to put to sea. She will bo strengthened, refitted, 
 and her guns ticketed and numbered, as they are depo- 
 sited in store, or other rifled and improved ones substi- 
 tuted in their place. Portions of other shi})s will bo 
 ]ire[)ared, fitted, and marked, so as to bo put together 
 at a moment's notice, when required, wdiilo stores and 
 materials will bo accumulated in tho arsenals, and iln) 
 yards, furnaces, and smithies enlarged, arranged, and 
 tittcxl for immediate action. There will be nothing to 
 ho done but to issue tho orders and " lot shp tho dogs 
 of war." Are wo prepared for such a sudden emergency 
 — I may say, for such an explosion — for when it does 
 come, it will be his interest to lose no time? If we are 
 to be beaten at all, ho knows his only chance is to take 
 us by surprise, to assault us, as a burglar, in the night, 
 and to plunder the house before tho shutters are closed, 
 or tho watchman is at his post. Steam has bridged the 
 Cliannel, we no longer nso nautical terms in reference to 
 it, wo do not talk of the distance across in knots, or 
 miles, wo estimate it by hours. Cherbourg is five hours 
 Inmi Southampton. I left it at six, and landed at tho 
 (lock of tho latter at eleven o'clock in tho forenoon, and 
 by two o'clock was in Londou. The most foolhardy of 
 
 '"»!! 
 
 
 1 
 
 
 «» 
 
186 
 
 THE SEASOK-TICIvET. 
 
 the prcRcnt administration, even PalmovRton hlmeolf, 
 Bays this is inconveniently near, should Napoleon beeoino 
 an assailant. Now 1 am no alarmist, which is a very 
 favourite name given to those who desire the use of 
 ordinary precaution. I exclude from my consideration 
 any junction of the Russian with the French ileet, 
 which, it is admitted on all hands we are not ': present 
 able to resist. But I do maintain that we ought to be 
 in a position to retain the command of the Channel, 
 besides detaching large squadrons to tlie Mediterranean, 
 and to other naval stations ; and that if we are unable 
 to do this, we lie at the mercy, and invite an invasion of 
 the French. It is impossible to fortify all our extended 
 coasts, or effectually to defend the country against a 
 large invading force ; they must be protected by the 
 navy. " Britannia rules the waves." When she ceases 
 to rule them, she ceases to exist as a nation. If the 
 French can achieve maritime supremacy, an invasion 
 would be as easy as that of the Normans, and a con- 
 quest as complete ; and I can see no reason, as a mili- 
 tary man, why it shonl<l not be annexed to France, and 
 become an inte;.';i'ul part of that oiupiro, as un:di Jk) 
 Ab>'oiia»* 
 
 ipl I 
 
 5 
 
 4 
 
OTTR NEIGITBOUr.S ANT) DISTANT RELATIONS. 
 
 187 
 
 limeolf, 
 Dccoiao 
 a v(3rv 
 
 IISO dl' 
 
 oral io 11 
 li ilcH-t. 
 present 
 t to be 
 ihaiinel, 
 Tancaii, 
 
 asioii of 
 xtoiuled 
 gainst a 
 
 by tlic 
 c ceascB 
 
 If tlie 
 invasion 
 I a con- 
 1, a mill- 
 nee, ami 
 
 iiyjli a:i 
 
 No. VIII, 
 
 OUR NEIC.nr.OURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 
 
 Mv fellow-passenger, ascertaining that I was going to 
 Kadley's Hotel, at Southampton, proposed to share my 
 cal), and also, if I had no objection, to join me at dinner. 
 This arrangement was most agreeable, for nothing is so 
 vincomfortablo or uninviting as a solitary meal. Indeed, 
 I think, conversation is absolutely necessary to diges- 
 tion. It compels you to eat slowly, and enables you to 
 enjoy your wine, which you are never inclined to do 
 Avlicn alone. Talk is an excellent condiment. A dog 
 lircfers to retire to a corner with his food, and if a 
 comrade approaches him he snarls, and shows his teeth, 
 and if he persists in intruding his company, most pro- 
 bably fights him. But dogs cannot communicate their 
 ideas to each other ; if they could they would, no doubt, 
 regard the quality of their food as well as its quantity. 
 ]\[a» is a reasoning animal, and delights in a ' feast of 
 reason and a flow of soul,' as much as in his material 
 food ; he equally dishkes a crowded or an empty table. 
 The old rule that your company should not be less than 
 three, or exceed nine, is a fanciful one, founded on the 
 limited number of graces and muses. Now, in my 
 opinion, the arrangement should be made by couples, 
 from two to ten. Three is a very inconvenient limitation, 
 constituting, according to an old adage, ' no company.' 
 If more assemble the table should be round, which ad- 
 mits of your seeing all your friends at once, avoids the 
 necessity of talking across any one, and enables you to 
 hoar more distinctly. Straight lines are always formal, 
 but never more so than at a convivial board j indecdj I 
 
 
 
 
 t^ i 
 
 Hi 
 
188 
 
 TITE SEASOV-TirKFT. 
 
 n 
 
 I 
 
 pliDiild prrfor to luivo llic (litiin.c^-rooin flrfiilar: yon onii 
 tlioii siiy, ^vitli Initli, lliatycui nro ^ surrountkd \)y yom- 
 fi'iciids,' or that you Jiavo 'gathered your friends roinul 
 you,' expressions Avhicli are cither unmeaning or iuu])- 
 jJicahle to our ordinary arrangements. Jiut tliis is a 
 chgrcssion. 
 
 My now acquaintance, Colonel Mortimer, had seen 
 much foreign service, and was a well-informed and 
 pleasant companion. TEe was acquainted with many 
 people 1 liad known in tlie East, and with several of my 
 friends in North America. Nothing is more agreeaMc 
 than such a casual meeting with one who has travell(Ml 
 over the same ground as yourself. It enables you to 
 compare notes, and has the advantage of presenting tlie 
 same objects in different points of view. After dinner 
 I reverted to our conversation of the morning, as to the 
 state of our national defences. 'This place,' I said, 'is 
 im))erfect]y fortified, and open to attack both by lau<l 
 and sea, and tlio number and value of the steamers in 
 the docks invite a visit from our neighbours, if we 
 should, unfortunately, be at war Avith them. Do 
 you really think there is any fear of a Trench invasion?' 
 
 'Fear,' he said, Ms a word, you know, we EngKsh- 
 men don't understand. Nelson, when a boy, asked what 
 it meant ; but I do thirdv there is reason to apprehend 
 that the immediate invasion of England is seriously con- 
 templated by Napoleon. Time and opportunity are want- 
 ing for him to make the attempt. As I observed this 
 morning, what is the object of the great and incessant 
 naval preparations in France? I asked the question, 
 the other day, of a Frenchman; he shrugged his 
 shoulders and said, "We arc at war with the Chinese, 
 and we think it necessary to be prepared for an attack 
 from them!" The real design, however, is too obvious 
 to be denied. The Emperor is a sort of diplomatic 
 Jesuit, who says one thing and means its opposite, who 
 conceals his objects until the proper time arrives to 
 unmask them, and who by his skill acquires your con- 
 fidence without giving you his own in exchange for it. 
 He is not an "aliy," but "a lie" to England, and an 
 
 w^-\ 
 
OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 
 
 180 
 
 enigma to Europe. Ilia naval preparations })oint to us ; 
 iliey may bo meant as a blind to witlidraw ])ublic atten- 
 tion from his designs upon Belginm or Prussia, and, 
 judging by his past acts, it is not improbable tluit such 
 may be the case; but as neither of these countries pos- 
 sesses a na\y, it is not reasonable to suppose that such 
 an enormous expenditure has been incurred for such a 
 purpose. We must look at things as tliey are, and draw 
 our own conclusions. At tliis moment ho has twenty 
 line-of-battle ships on the stocks, [)lated with steel, and 
 litted with every modern improvement. lie has cnn;- 
 plcted the construction of a coast line of telegraphs, all 
 centering at Clierbourg, so tliat no ship can leave any 
 liarl)Our on this side of the Channel witiiout being sig- 
 luillod to the licet stationed at tliat port. These pre[)a- 
 rations for war are not confined to France : he has a 
 greater military force at Martinique and Guadaloui)o 
 than we hav(! in all our West India Islands put tog(>ther. 
 lie has fortiiied St. Pierre and Michelon, which lie 
 hetwoen Newfoundland and Canada, contrary to the ex- 
 jiress terms of the Treaty; and under pretence of 
 meeting at Cape Breton the French mails, conveyed by 
 the Cunard steamers, he sends men-of-war thither, Avho 
 n^turn to those places heavily laden Avitli coal from the 
 Sydney mines. This is pretended to be for the use of 
 the ships themselves, but every now and then a sailing 
 vessel takes a cargo, on account, it is said, of the mer- 
 chants there, but in reality for the Government. He has 
 an immense store of coal there ; and every vessel laden 
 with fish, that sails thence to the French West Indian 
 Islands I have named, quietly conveys a certain portion 
 of this fuel, to form a depot there also, for liis Atlantic 
 licet. 
 
 ' The Island of Cape Breton, as you are aware, is one 
 vast coal field, and was conquered from tlie French. Its 
 capital, Louisburg, was taken by General Wolfe. Most 
 of the inhabitants of that colony remained there after 
 its formal cession to England, and their descendants are, 
 to this day, a separate race, speaking* the language of 
 
 . ■ , 1.^ 
 
 < I ( 
 
 :■ 
 
 
 # ■ 
 
190 
 
 THE .SKASON-TICKET. 
 
 thoir forcfalliors ; thoy arc mainly occu[tio(l in tlio 
 lislicrles, and arc excellent ])ilnts. Their descent, their 
 reli;^'"i()n, their traditions, and their sympathies, naturally 
 incline them to think favourably and kindly of their 
 mother country; and though not actually disloyal to 
 Eufi^'land, they arc; not unfavourably disposed towards the; 
 French. It has been observed of late that their friend- 
 Bhip has been systematically courted by the latter, who 
 cngag'c; their young' men in their ilsheries, encourage thern 
 to trade with them, and, under one pretence or other, 
 continually visit their harbours. During the past year, 
 while that valuable colonial jiossession has been entirely 
 neglected by the admiral on the Halifax station, in con- 
 secpience of the limited number of shijis luidcr his com- 
 mand, three French men-of-war have been at anchor a 
 great part of the time, at Sydney, as if it were a Freneli 
 port, and their flags, and that of their consuls, were the 
 only ones that w^erc seen by the inhabitants. Cape 
 Breton, on its eastern side, presents many harbours, and 
 numerous hiding-places for French men-of-war, not 
 merely on its coast, but by means of the great Bras 
 d'Or Lake (which is an arm of the sea that nearly 
 divides the island into two parts) affords nooks of con- 
 cealment in the very heart of the country. The coal- 
 mines are wholly unprotected, and could be cither held 
 or rendered useless at the pleasure of an aggressor. 
 What renders this more alarming is, that Halifax, and the 
 ivhole of our squadron at that station, arc entirely depen- 
 dent upon these very mines for their supply of coal ; so that 
 in six-and-thirty hours' sail from St. Pierre, one ship of war 
 could reach Sydney, and render the English licet in Nova 
 Scotia utterly powerless to move from their moorings. On 
 every foreign station, whether on the Atlantic or Pacific 
 side of America, or in the East, the French naval force 
 has been quietly and unostentatiously increased, so that 
 if war were to break out they would be in the ascendant 
 in every quarter. In these days of telegraphic commu- 
 nication, when news of hostility can be transmitted with 
 the rapidity of hghtning, it is not too much to say, that 
 
OUn NKIonnOUns AKD ntSTAKT KtLATlOKS. 101 
 
 [1 tl»o 
 their 
 
 Lu rally 
 tlicir 
 
 yal t<» 
 
 •ds llu; 
 
 fricnd- 
 
 r, who 
 
 thcrii 
 other, 
 
 t year, 
 
 'iitirely 
 
 in con- 
 
 8 com- 
 
 iclior a 
 
 F roll el I 
 
 cro tlio 
 Cape 
 
 irs, and 
 
 ar, not 
 
 it Bras 
 nearly 
 
 of con- 
 coal- 
 
 icr held 
 rcssor. 
 and the 
 dcpcn- 
 so that 
 of war 
 n Nova 
 gs. On 
 Pacific 
 al force 
 so that 
 cendaut 
 commn- 
 cd with 
 ly, that 
 
 tlio Emperor, hy his foresi^-ht, judicious jn-oparatious, 
 and well-concealed plans, could sweep the conuncrco (jf 
 Kii;^'land from the seas in six weeks. 
 
 'As I said before, I am no ahirmist ; I conjure up no 
 phantoms of a junction of Russian or American fleets 
 Avith those of France, because that probability is too 
 painful to contem}>late ; but, despite the frivolous j)ooh- 
 ]ii)()liinp,', andindiecile policy of those who ridicule patriot- 
 ism, and throw cold water on the formation of defensive 
 independent corjis, which they style the result of a " rille 
 fever," I think there is every reason to apprehend that 
 our country is in imminent danger. An invasion of Eng- 
 land is a traditional idea in France. Napoleon the First, as 
 is well known, very nearly attempted it; Louis Phili[)i)e 
 had it nnich at heart. The Pruicc do Joinville, you are 
 Hware, published a ])amphlet on the sul)ject, ami kept 
 alive the national feeling by describing to his countrymen 
 the faciUty with which London could be taken by a covp 
 dc wain, and excited their cupidity by pointing out to 
 them the enormous booty it contained, to reward a 
 successful attack. To prepare the pubhc mind for siich 
 an attempt, and to awaken and revive the naval ardour 
 of the nation, our flag was everywhere insulted, and in 
 one instance he fired into one of our gun brigs, in South 
 America, forcibly took away her pilot, a Brazilian subject, 
 and compelled him to transfer his services to the French 
 ship. From the time of the first Empire to the present, 
 every exertion has been made by every successive 
 government to increase the French naval force, not 
 inercly by building ships, accumulatuig naval stores, and 
 enlarging their dockyards, but by giving bounties to their 
 vessels engaged in the foreign fisheries especially those of 
 Newfoundland, which are great and growing nurseries 
 for their seamen. There are more than thirty thousand 
 well-trained sailors engaged in this business alone. Now 
 you must recollect that France, possessing but few 
 colonies, and much less commerce than we have, has, of 
 course, very much less to defend, while our distant 
 possessions and immense foreign trade require a force 
 fur their protection nearly equal to what is necessary 
 
 :l^ 
 
 i! * I 
 
 . » 
 
 * 
 
 4 
 
 ^> 
 
 wH. 
 
l'J2 
 
 THE SICASOK-TICKKT. 
 
 . : 
 
 I 
 
 i [ 
 
 to inRiiro our own Bafcty. Tlio Froiirli navy Ik n.ir.crn's- 
 pivc, and not dcfonsivo; its business is to burn, sink, or 
 destroy, not to _i:;nai'(], protoct, or defend, its eiiipldy- 
 iiieiit will be ])iraey — its rewiird [)liiiider. 'Die past and 
 ])reseiit neg'lect of our navy is, therefore, .'dtop,'etli(T 
 inexcusable!; wc must maintain our maritime Hupi'c- 
 maey, Avliatevcr tlio cost may be; and if our Heels 
 liave the command of the channel, "Svc may Siifely 
 iutriist our defences to them, Avith a certain eon- 
 A'ietion that our native land will never bo polluted ly 
 the ])resencc, or ravaged by the hordes, of ii furei,^■|| 
 invader.' 
 
 'I am entirely of your opinion,' I said : 'I have been 
 so much abroad lately, that I am not very — ' 
 
 ' W^'ell posted up, oh, vSquire She.i>'o,r>'? Well, if yoii 
 ain't, I want to know avIio is, that's all ? And how are 
 yon, stranger? 1 hope 1 see you well.' 
 
 '(^uito AV(_dl, Air. Feabody' (for it was he). * And how 
 is my friend, the Senator? ' 
 
 ' Hearty as brandy,' he said, ' but not quite so spirited; 
 looks as sleepy as a horse afore an omi)ty manger, but is 
 wide awake for all that. He'll be here directly; gn>at 
 bodies move slow ; he worms his way through a crowd, 
 as ))erlite as a Idaek waiter. '"Permit me to pass, if you 
 l)lease. Sir." '"Jiy your leave ; will you be good enou,L;'Ii 
 to allow mo to go on," and so forth. I make short metre 
 of it. I took up a porter by the nape of his neck, and 
 stood him on one side, as easy as if he'd been a chessman. 
 It made people stare, I tell you ; and I shoved on(3 this 
 way, and another that way, and then put my two hands 
 together before me like a wcnlge, and si)lit a way riglit 
 through the crowd. One fellow, seeiug wluit I was at, 
 just scroodged up agauist me, so as to hold his place: 
 " Take your hand off my watch-chain," said I; " what do 
 you mean by a-hustlin of me that way?" The fellow 
 squared round, and so did others, and I jDushed on, say- 
 ing I should not wonder if my purse was gone too. They 
 had to make room to feel their pockets, and that made 
 space enough for me. There is no use a-talkin of it, 
 stranger, people must keep off the track, unless they want 
 
OUR NKIGIIB0UR3 AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 
 
 193 
 
 to ho run over. TToro comes Senator, at last, I do (](>r' • re, 
 n-piilliii and a-Mowin like abounded porpoiso, wlieii liio 
 ^vll^lo shoal of 'cm are arti r him.' 
 
 'Well, Senator,' said rcabody, * you seem to have had 
 a t('ini)estical lime ol' it at the station, amon^;' the exenr- 
 FKniists a-f^oin to see the (Jr(\'it Kastcrn. Take a chair, 
 unil sit down, and rest yonrself, for you look hke a fellow 
 tliiit's sent for, and can't come, and sittin is as cheap as 
 Ktundiii, when you don't i)ay for it. So let us all heave 
 to, and cast anchor, it saves the legs, and depend upon 
 it, they wern't made to hanp^dowm always, like a Cliiua- 
 iiian's tail, or danp,'le like old Sharnion Fluke's queue. If 
 you want them to last out the body, you must rest them, 
 that's a fact; you must put them upon a chair, or out of 
 ft winder, or cross them in front of you, like a tailor. Is 
 it any wonder the Eng-lish go about limpin, hobbhn, and 
 (lot-and-go-onehi, wdien theirfeethangdownforcverlastin, 
 like those of a poke, when it's frightened from a swamp, 
 by a shot from a Frenchman, who hates him like pyson, 
 for poachui among his frogs. Blood won't run up hill 
 for (;ver, you may depend. I don't wonder you are tired, 
 tlircadin your way through these excursionists. Don't 
 tlio British beat all natur in their way? they will go any- 
 where, stranger, to see anything big". What's curious 
 ain't no matter, it's size they like — a hugeacious ship, a 
 bi"^ glass palace, a mammoth hog, an enormous whale, 
 .1 big ox, or a big turnip, or Big Ben (that's cracked liko 
 themselves). Any monster, fish, flesh, or fowl, is enough 
 to make the fools stare, and open their mouths as if they 
 were a-going to swallow it whole, tank, shank, and flank. 
 Fact, I assure you — now jist look a-here. Senator is a 
 far greater man than I be anywhere, he has more larnin, 
 more sense, and the gift of speech of ton women's 
 ti^ngucs, reduced and sinmiered down to an essence ; talks 
 like a book : we call him a " big bug " to home. AVell, 
 he is undersized, you see, and they think nothen of him 
 lure, but stare like owls at a seven-footer like me. As 
 one of them said to me to-day, " If you are a fair speci- 
 men of your countrymen, Mr. Peabody, I must say tho 
 Americans are a si)lendid race of men." "Stranger," 
 
 o 
 
 .1^ 
 
 
 ^ 
 
 A 'f" 
 
104 
 
 Tim SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 eaid I, " I am just nothcn, I arn only seventeon hamlg 
 I'jigli, or so ; I am the Icastcst of father's nine sons ; you 
 shouhl have seen my brother Oby : Avhcn he was comtiii 
 Miss Jcmime Collin, of Nantucket, ho used to lean on tho 
 winder sill in the second stor^^, and talk to her as easy as 
 if he was a-loUin on the back of her chair. One night 
 he went, as usual, to have a chat with the old folks — of 
 course he did not go to see the young ones; such a thing- 
 is onpossible, who ever heard of that in all their horn 
 days ! Visits is always to parents, and if a lady comes 
 in by accedcnt, and the old ones go out, or go to 1)0(], 
 why, accordin to reason and common sense, young people 
 remain behind, and finish the evening; nateral politoncss 
 requires that, j^ou know. Well, this time he was a little 
 bit too late ; they had all gone to roost. To home in our 
 country, folks don't sit up for cverlastin as they do hero, 
 but as soon as it is dayhght down, and supper over, tortle 
 off to bed. Weh, this night, the lire was raked up safe, 
 the hearth swept clea.i and snug, the broom put into a 
 tub of water, for fear of hve coals a-stickin to it, ami 
 they had all turned in, some to sleep, some to dream, and 
 some to snore. I beheve in my soul, a Yankee gall oi 
 the right build, make, and shape, might stump all crea- 
 tion for snoiing.' 
 
 'And pray,' said J, 'what do you call the right linkl 
 for that elegant accomplishment ? ' 
 
 ' Why,' said Peabody, ' a gall that is getting old, tliin, 
 and vinegary, that has a sharp-edged bill-hook to lie: 
 face, with its sides collapsed ; they act hke stops to a 
 key-bugle, and give great power to that uncommon 
 superiine wind instrument, the nose. Lor' ! an old spin- 
 ster practitioner is a caution to a steam- whistle, I tell yon. 
 As I was a-sayin, they had all gone to the land of Xoil 
 v.'hen Oby arrived, so as he didn't like to be baulked (^i 
 his chat with the young lady, he jist goes round, ami 
 taps agin her winder, and she ups out of bed, opens il: ' 
 sash, and begins to talk like all possessed, when he ji>t 
 puts his arm round her waist, hands her right out us !^lH' 
 was, throws his cloak over her, whips her up afore liii:i 
 on his boss, and off to Kliodo Island, aiid marries L.r 
 
OUR NEIGHBOUnS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 
 
 195 
 
 quick stick. It gave her such an awful fright, it brought 
 on a fever, and when she got well, her face was as red 
 as a maple leaf in the fall. Gracious ! what a fiery dau- 
 g-urtype it gave her ; she ahvays vowed and maintained 
 it warn't the fever that throwed out the scarlet colour, 
 but that she blushed so, at being hauled out of the winder 
 all of a sudden, afore she had time to dress, that the 
 blushes never left her arterwards. G ive a woman modesty 
 for a title-page, and sec if she won't illuminate and illus- 
 trate, and picturatc it to the nines. Yes, if you want to 
 look on a model man, you must see Oby. He was near 
 eighteen hands high, fine lean head, broad forehead, big 
 eye, •^'ocp shoulder, perdigious loins, immense stifle, splen- 
 •ifcrous fists (knock an ox down a'most), and a foot that 
 would Ziick a green pine stump right out of the ground ; 
 noble-tempered fellow as ever trod shoe leather, never 
 put out in his life, except when he warn't pleased ; in 
 Fhort, he was all a gall could ask, and more than she 
 could hope for. Poor fellow ! only to think he was tied 
 for life to one that looked as scarlet as the settin sun 
 artcr a broilin day in summer, hot enough to make water 
 bile, and red enough to put your eyes out. It all camo 
 from bein in an all-fired red-hot haste. Still, I won't say 
 but what there are shorter men than me in the States, 
 and specially among the French hi Canada. I was 
 drivin, between Montreal and Quebec, winter aforo last, 
 ill a Uttle low sleigh I had, and I overtook a chap that 
 was a-jogging on along afore me, as if he was paid by 
 time, and not distance ; sais I, " Friend, give us room to 
 pass, will you, that's a good fellow ; " for in deep snow, 
 that's not so easy a job as you'd think. Well, he said he 
 couldn't, and when I asked him again, he said he wouldn't. 
 Wo jawed a little gi'ain faster than our horses trotted, 
 you may suppose, when all of a suddent he stop't straight 
 in the middle of the track, atween two enormous snow 
 drifts, and said, " Since j^ou are in such an everlastin 
 hurry, pass on." Well, there was nothen left for me to 
 vlo but to get out, throw the little chattcrin mouKcy into 
 the snow bank, and his horse and sleigh arter him ; but 
 when I began to straighten up, the fellow thought tlicvo 
 
 o 2 
 
 '( 
 
 
 
 m. 
 
 4' 
 
196 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 was no ccnd to mc ; it fairly made his hair stand, staroin 
 like a porcupine's quills ; it lift up his fur cap — fact, I 
 assure you. *'So," sais he, "stranger, you needn't 
 uncoil more of yom-sclf, I cave in ; " and he scrabbles out 
 quick stick, takes his horse by the head, and makes rodiu 
 for mo as civil as you please. But, stranger, sposin wo 
 ;)re-roguo this session, and 7'c-rogue again, as they say 
 in Congress, to the smoking room.' 
 
 Wc accordingly all proceeded thither, with the cxco))- 
 tion of the Colonel, who said he never smoked, and Imd 
 an appointment with the officer commanding at tlio 
 battery. 
 
 * Now,* said Pcabody, producing a case of cigars ; ' I 
 feel to hum — talking and smoking is dry work ; when I 
 want to build up a theory, I require liquid cement to 
 mix the mortar, moisten the materials, and make them 
 look nicely.' 
 
 ' When you joined us,' I said, addressing the Senator, 
 * my friend the Colonel and myself were discussing the 
 probability of a rupture with France; do you think 
 there is any prospect of an interruption in our friendly 
 relations with America ? ' 
 
 ' That,' said he, * is a question easier asked than 
 answered. Under ordinary chcumstances, I should say, 
 no ; but inconsiderate and unprincipled people may com- 
 promise the United States in a way to make the Pre- 
 sident think that concession may be mistaken for fear, 
 and that recourse must be had to hostiUties for the sake 
 of national honour.' 
 
 *Wcll, supposing such an occurrence to take place, 
 for instance, as has lately happened by your taking- 
 forcible possession of the island of St. Juan, and a 
 conflict were to ensue, what would be the conduct of 
 the colonists ? Do you suppose that they would defend 
 themselves, and remain loyal to England, or would they 
 sympathize with the invaders ? * 
 
 * There is not the slightest doubt in the world,' he 
 replied, * that they would retain their allegiance. Few 
 persons in this country are aware of the value and 
 extent of British America, its vast resources and inai;'« 
 
OUR NElGlinOLTlS A^'D DISTANT RELATION'S. 
 
 107 
 
 u'ficcnt water privil(\^'cs, or Ili{» character and nature of 
 its ])opulation. The J3ritish possessions in Norlh 
 Aiiicrica cover the largest, the fairest, and most 
 vahiablo portion of that continent. They comprise an 
 area of upwards of four millions square geographical 
 miles, being nearly a ninth part of the whole terrestrial 
 suvface of the globe, and exceed in extent the United 
 Sliites and their territories, by more than 879,000 miles. 
 The Old Atlantic colonies consist of Canada (east and 
 west). New l^runswick, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, 
 and Prince Edward's Island, and to these countries alono 
 lias public attention been hitherto occasionally directed. 
 The history of the rule of Downing-street over these 
 valuable dependencies, since the peace of 1783, is a 
 tissue of neglect or ignorance, of obstinate conflict*i 
 or ill- judged concessions. Nothing has preserved them 
 to you but the truly loyal and British feeling of the 
 peuple, and a continued and marvellous prosperity, that 
 lias triumphed over every difficulty and overpoAvered the 
 voice of politics by the noise of the axe, the saw, and 
 the hammer. They have b^en too busy in connnercial 
 to tliink much of political speculations, and too familiar 
 with free institutions to be intoxicated with power, like 
 those who have but recently acquired their rights. 
 However large the accretion by emigration may be from 
 Europe, the bulk of the people are natives, who aro 
 accustomed to the condition of colonial life, and the 
 possession of responsible govermnent, and desire neither 
 absolute independence of England nor annexation to the 
 United States, but who feel that they have outgrown 
 their minority, and are entitled to the treatment and 
 consideration due to adult and affectionate relatives. 
 The day for governing such colonies as those in North 
 America by a few irresponsible head clerks in Downing- 
 Rtrcet has passed away, and something more efficient 
 than the present system must be substituted in its place. 
 As these countries increase in population and wealth, so 
 do the educated and upper classes, who, although, tliey 
 deprecate agitation, will never consent to occupy a 
 position of practical inferiority to their br^txircn in 
 
 
 «» 
 
 
 i« 
 
198 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 i*' I 
 
 England, or llicir ncip^libours in the United States. Tliey 
 arc contented witli the power of s(3lf-g'ovcrnnieut liuit 
 they possess within tlie limits of tlieir respective ])!•()- 
 vinccs; but they feel that tliere is no bond of imioii 
 between the Atlantic colonies themselves; that Hk y 
 have five separate governments, with live several tarilTs, 
 five different currencies, and five distinct codes of 
 municipal laws ; that the supreme power is lodged in 
 Uowning-street ; that the head of the department with 
 which they are connected is more occupied with imperial 
 interests than theirs, and goes in and out of office witli 
 his party, while the business is delegated to clerks ; tiuit 
 they not only have no voice in matters of general inter- 
 colonial and foreign interest to all the colonies, but tliat 
 as individuals, or delegates, they have no personal status 
 here, and no duly constituted medium of transacting,^ 
 their business with tlie imperial government. This in- 
 convenience is generally felt and lamented, and there 
 are not wanting unquiet persons, both here and in our 
 country, who point out to them that their neighbours 
 have a minister in London, and a consul at every larg-c 
 seaport, and many of the manufacturing towns in Greut 
 Britain, while even Ilayti has its black ambassador, and 
 every petty German state its accredited pohtical agent. 
 Tliis is as obvious to you as it is to them, and common 
 prudence, if no higher motive, should induce you to 
 apply a remedy before it grows into an estabhslied 
 grievance of dangerous magnitude.' 
 
 *He talks like a book. Squire, don't he?' said 'Mv. 
 Pcabody ; 'if you only had the like of him for a colonial 
 minister, I reckon he would make English secretaries rub 
 their eyes and stare, as if they felt they had been just 
 woke up out of a long dreamy sleep. Why, would you 
 believe it, not one of these critters ever saw a colony, 
 in all his born days, and yet the head man, or Boss, as 
 we call him, sends out governors that know as little as 
 he does. When he gets the appointment himself, he is 
 like a hungry lean turkey being- prepared f(n* market- 
 he has to be crammed by the clerks. " Tell me," i^ays 
 he, " about Canada, and show me the ropes. Is Canada 
 
 1 'I 
 
 U 
 
OrU NEIGIIBOUKS ANT> DISTANT rtELATIOKS. 
 
 190 
 
 ppelt with two ii's?" "No, my Lord Tom, Dick, or 
 ilai'iy," (as the case may be), says tii(3 iiiRlcrling ; "it 
 ou,L]^lit to be, but pooi)lG arc so poor tlicy can only afford 
 one. " Capital," says sccrctarj^, " come, I like that, it's 
 uncommon good. I must tell Palmerston that. Bnt 
 "what is it rcmai-kablc for? for I know no more about it 
 than a child." " Big lakes, big rivers, big forests," says 
 clerk. "Ah," says he, ^Hckcn will the gorcriai/ait be 
 vaccmt? I have promised it already. Now, New J3runs- 
 wick, what of that ? " " Large pine timber, ship-bnilding, 
 big rivers again, and fisheries." " Grey wants that for 
 one of his family; but the Eliots threaten to go against 
 us, if we don't give it to one of their clan. To settle 
 the dispute, I shall appoint my brother. Now, tell me 
 about Nova Scotia." "Good harbours, Halifax is the 
 capital, large coal-fields, lots of iron ore, and fish with- 
 out end, quiet people." " Ah, that will just suit Lord 
 Tom Noddy." "Now," says the clerk, "if any colony 
 feller comes a-botherin. here, the answer is, * you have 
 a responsible government, wo should be sorry to uiter- 
 fcrc.' That's our stereotyped rei)ly, or 'leave your 
 papers to be considered.' I will then post you up in it 
 agin he calls next day. All colonists are rascals ; no 
 principle — they pretend to be loyal — don't behove them; 
 unless they are snubbed, they are apt to be trouble- 
 some" By golly, I do wonder to hear Senator talk 
 
 as he. does, when he knows in his heart wo couldn't 
 stand them when we were colonists, and just gave the 
 whole bilin of them the mitten, and reformed them out 
 in no time.' 
 
 ' Now, my good friend,' said the Senator, ' how do you 
 know all tliis ? You were never in Downing-strect in 
 your life, and it's not fair to draw upon your imagination, 
 and then give fancy sketches as facts.' 
 
 ' Lyman Boodle,' said the other, striking his fist on the 
 table with much warmth ; *Iam not the fool you take 
 me to be. Didn't our Ambassador to the Court of St. 
 James's, Victoria, tell both you and me so, in the presence 
 of John Van Buren and Joshua Bates, word for word 
 what I have said ; and didn't you breul: through your 
 
 Ik 
 
 "1 
 
 
 'i 
 
 r 
 
 
200 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKET. 
 
 IW I 
 
 Kolcmiiclioly manner, and lang-h like a slave iiift'p;er (for 
 thoy are tlic only folks that lanc;h in onr coniitry)? So 
 como now, what's the use of pretondin' ; I like a man 
 that's rip^lit up and down, as straight as a shing-lc.' 
 
 'Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator, with well-affected 
 dig-nity, ' I have no recollection of the conversation you 
 allude to ; but if it did take place, nothing can excuse [i 
 man for repeating a piece of badinage, and abusing thu 
 confidence of a private party.' 
 
 ' Ly,' said his friend, looking puzzled, ' you do beat 
 the devil, that's a fact.* 
 
 Tho Senator, without pressing his objections any 
 farther, tiu:ned to me, and with great composure, re- 
 sumed his observations. ' There arc now,' he said, 
 ' about three millions of inhabitants in British America, 
 and in justice to them I may add, that a more loyal, in- 
 telligent, industrious and respectable population is ni)t 
 to be found in any part of the world. Their numerical 
 strength is about the same as that of our thirteen n^- 
 volted cf)lonies in 1783, when they successfully resisted 
 England, and extorted their independence. But there is 
 this remarkable difference between the two people. The 
 predilection of us Americans, with some few exceptions, 
 was ever republican. The New England States were 
 settled by CromwelUans, who never fully acknowledged 
 Enghsh sovereignty. From the earhest period they 
 aimed at independence, and their history is one con- 
 tinued series of contests with the prerogative of the 
 king, the power of parliament, and the jurisdiction of 
 tho ecclesiastical courts. From tlie first they claimed 
 the country as their own, and boldly asserted their ex- 
 clusive right to govern it. They altered the national 
 flag, assumed the right to coin money, entered into 
 treaties with the native tribes and their Dutch and 
 French neighbours, and exercised sovereign powers in 
 defiance of the mother country. Aware of the advantage 
 and strength derived from union, the New England 
 Colonies confederated at a very early period, and elected 
 a representative body of delegates, who settled all dis- 
 putes of a religious, territorial, or defensive nature, 
 
 'U. 
 
or 11 NKlGimOUltS AND DISTAKT KELATIOXS. 
 
 201 
 
 )siirc, re- 
 
 arising' either between tlieir respective ]»rf)vinceR, or lie- 
 tween them and tlieir neighbours oi foreign origin. In 
 this tribunal we find the embryo Congress of the; United 
 St{ites, and the outhnc of the government wliicli now 
 I)revails in that country; it required but time and 
 opi)ortunity to develop it. Tlic control of the parent 
 state was ever merely nominal, and when it ceased to 
 exist, the change was httle more than convcrtin<j^ 
 practical into positive independence, by substituting 
 forcible for passive and obstructive resistance. The 
 unjust as well as impolitic attempt to impose taxation 
 without representation, afforded them what they 
 ardently desired — a justifiable ground for organizing" an 
 armed opposition, and a deep-rooted disaffection, and 
 sectarian hatred, infused a vigour and a bitterness into 
 the contest, that the mere assertion of a constitutional 
 right would have failed to inspire. When an object is 
 predetermined, it is not often that folly furnishes s<j 
 good an occasion for effecting it as the Stamp Act. Had 
 the peoi)le been originally loyal, resistance would have 
 ceased when it had been successful ; but the repeal of 
 tlio Act, while it removed the obnoxious tax, failed to 
 appease disaffection, and the contest was continued, not 
 for principle, but for independence. The present British 
 provinces are peopled by a totally different race. They 
 were nc r the refuge of the discontented, but the asylum 
 of the loyahsts, who were cither driven from their homes 
 by us, or voluntarily followed the flag of their sovereign 
 ijito the British temtory. The great bulk of the original 
 settlers of Upper Canada, New Brunswick, and Nova Sco- 
 tia, had carried arms on the British side in the American 
 devolution, and those who subsequently removed there, 
 Bclected the country because they preferred retaining 
 their allegiance to their sovereign to becoming subjects 
 of a Kepublic. Most of the loyalists were men of pro- 
 perty and education, for such are seldom revolutionists, 
 and their descendants have inherited the feelings of 
 their forefathers. It is from this cause that they 
 are morally, and from the salubrity of their climate 
 physically, equal, if not superior, to their English 
 
 it 
 
 ,, .j 
 
 i r 
 
 
 i«^ 
 
202 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKET. 
 
 V. 
 
 h 
 
 I- 
 
 I*- 
 
 brctiircn — a fact that is patent to all who liavo travcllod 
 oil tliat continent, or mixed witli the ijopulation on both 
 Ridt.'s of tlie Atlantic. It is necessary to keep these 
 facts in view, whilst speculating on the destiny of these 
 noble colonies. It is a settled conviction with a certain 
 class of politicians in this country (who hold that 
 colonies arc an incumbrance), that as soon as they are 
 able, tlicy will separate from the parent state ; and tliey 
 point to the United States as a proof of the truth of 
 their theory. This has been loudly and offensively pro- 
 claimed by such men as Duncombe, Wakefield, and 
 Buller, who have wounded the susceptibilities of the 
 colonists by their offensive personal remarks, and 
 weakened the interest which the people in this country 
 have hitherto felt in their transatlantic possessions. It 
 is, however, manifest, that separation does not neces- 
 sarily follow from the power to sever the connexion, but 
 that to the ability must be superadded the desire ; and 
 tluit where there is a good and cordial feeling subsisting, 
 that desire is not likely to arise, unless it is the decided 
 interest of the colonies to become independent. In 
 what that interest can consist, it is difficult to conceive, 
 so long as this country pursues a wise, liberal, and just 
 policy towards so important a portion of the empire.' 
 
 * I will tell you,' said Peabody, ' what their interest is, 
 and you know it as well as I do. Their interest is to 
 jme us, and become part and parcel of the greatest 
 nation in all creation ; to have a navy and army of their 
 own, and by annexation to the United States, to feel 
 they are able to lick all the world. Now they aro 
 nothing; no, not half nothing, but just a nonentity. 
 Invaded and insulted by us, they can't help themselves 
 for fear of .England, and England daren't go to war, for 
 fear of the cotton spinners of Manchester. Big fish 
 were never found in small ponds. Let them jine us, 
 and I'd like to see the power that would dare to hurt 
 a hair of their heads. They haven't got one member to 
 ParHament, no more than footmen have; if they be- 
 longed to us, they would send a hundred Senators to 
 Congress. Who ever heard of a colonist being ap- 
 
OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT IltLATIONS. 203 
 
 pointed a p^ovcmor any^^hcro? Gatcli the English a- 
 doiiig of that ! No ; tlicy give them the great and 
 glorious privilege of paying British governors, and 
 actually make them fork out to Sir Head, in Canada, a 
 salary much larger than we pay to the Fresiilent of tlie 
 United States ; and while they support all the consuls 
 cast of riiiladelphia, by fees levied off their ships, only 
 one colonial consul is to be found, and Lord Clarendon 
 ■was bullied into nominating him. 1 tell you I know it 
 as a fact, they arc shut out of every appointment in tlio 
 empire.' 
 
 'You forget,' said the Senator, 'that ^Ir. Hincks.was 
 app' tinted a governor.' 
 
 ' No, I don't,' said Peabody, ' but he warn't a colonist ; 
 lie w^as an Irishman that went to Canada to seek his 
 fortune, and ho was promoted for two reasons: lirst, 
 because he was an Irishman ; and secondly, because he 
 waded into the troubled waters Lord Elgin got into, and 
 carried him out on his back, or he would have gone for 
 it. But show me a native that ever got that commission ! 
 You say the critters have some intelhgencc; well, if 
 they had, wouldn't they show their sense by jining us, 
 and being made eligible to be elected President, or 
 Foreign Ambassador, or Secretary of State, and so on ? 
 What sort of birthright is a farm in the woods, half 
 swamps, half stumps, with a touch of the ague, and no 
 prospect before them but to rise to be a constable or a 
 hogrcavc, catching vagrant thieves or stray pigs? Bah! 
 the English are fools to expect this to last, and the 
 Canadians are still bigger fools to stand it. But go on : 
 some of these days you will say, " Peabody warn't such 
 a fool as you took him to be." ' 
 
 ' All you have advanced,' said the Senator, ' amounts 
 to this : the provinces require a new organization, and 
 60 does the Colonial Office. I understand both these 
 beneficial objects will soon be obtained by the mutual 
 consent of Great Britain and her dependencies ; and to 
 the very gi'eat advantage of both. I do not deny that 
 the evils of the present system require removal, but I 
 have no doubt the remedy will soon be applied. I was 
 
 
 1« 
 
 I 
 
204 
 
 llli: SEASON-TICKKT. 
 
 Inlkin.u^ of the country and tho loyally of its poo|»lc, .ind 
 not of its constilulion. Much has been said,' l»c cou- 
 linucd, *of tho ra|)id j^'rowth of the United States. Ko 
 sooner was their ind(^|)end(Mico aclvnowled|^''ed than they 
 became the resort of all who son^c^ht a refu^'e from jmli- 
 tieal strife iu Europe; a safe and w'uh field for tlu; iii- 
 V(.'stment of capital; a market for their labour, and a 
 :iew home in their vast and unoccupied territory. 'J^ixy 
 absorbed, to the exclusion of other countries, nearly the 
 whole cmi^Tation, not only of Great Britain but of 
 Europe. The continued wars that grew out of tlie 
 French Revolution gave them, as neutrals, a very ^ivat 
 proportion of the carrying trade of the world. It was a 
 popular country ; a realization of the theories of French 
 I)hilosophcrs and English reformers. It was neither 
 burthcncd with the expenses of royalty, the tithes of an 
 Established Church, nor the entails of an hereditary 
 nobility. Freedom and equality were inscribed on their 
 banners, and their favourite maxim, "Vox])opuli, vox 
 Dei," was realized in the assumption of the whole power 
 by the people. Direct taxation, except in municipahties, 
 was unknown. Customs duties and the sales of public 
 lands maintained their then frugal government, and 
 supplied a large surplus for works of public defence or 
 improvement. 
 
 * The first-fruit of this system was a vast increase of 
 population and wealth. The growth of the country, 
 however, stimulated by the causes just mentioned, has 
 been prodigious ; and it is for this reason I select it as 
 a standard wherewith to measure the growth of Canada, 
 and I think the comparison will astonish you, if you 
 have not taken the trouble to institute an inquiry for 
 yourself/ 
 
 Turning to his pocket-book, the Senator read as 
 follows : — ' " The last Census of the United States was 
 taken in 1850, when the population (after deducting that 
 of recent territorial acquisitions) was upwards of twenty- 
 three millions. In 1840 it was only seventeen millions, 
 or thereabouts. In ten years, therefore, the increase 
 was 1] awards of six millions, or thirty-five per cent. 
 
 ri 
 
OUR NEiaiTROrRS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 
 
 205 
 
 Til 
 
 liay 
 
 ' <' Tlic Census of Upper Canada in 1811 gave 405,000. 
 In 1851 it was 952,000. Increase in ten years 487,000, 
 or about 104 per cent. It may be said it is not fair to 
 lake tlio whole of the United States for a comparison 
 with Upper Canada, much of the former country being 
 comparatively old and long settled. It will be seen, 
 however, from the United States Census, that the threii 
 Slates of Ohio, Michigan, and Illinois, which have had 
 the most rapid increase, in 1830 contained 0,120,851; 
 in 1850, 8,505,000, or a little over 320 per cent, in 
 twenty years. Now the increase in Canada West, from 
 1840 to 1849, was over 375 per cent, for the same 
 ]i('riod, so that the increase in these three choice States 
 was 55 per cent, less than in Canada West during that 
 lime, while in the Far West of Canada, the counties of 
 Huron, Perth, and Bruce, have increased upwards of 571 
 per cent, in ten years — an increase almost beyond com- 
 prehension. 
 
 ' " This immense advance is not confined to the rural 
 districts, for the cities and towns will equally vie with 
 those of the United States. Between 1840 and 1850 the 
 increase in Boston was 45 per cent., but in Toronto, 95 
 ])or cent. The increase of New York, the emporium of 
 the United States, and a city which, for its age, may vie 
 Avith any in the world, thus stands as compared with 
 Toronto, 66 per cent, between 1840 and 1850, against 
 95 per cent, of the latter. St. Louis, which had in 1850 
 70,000 inhabitants, had increased it fifteen times since 
 1820. Toronto had in 1850 increased hers eighteen 
 times that of 1817. The population in Cincinnati was in 
 1850, 115,590, or twelve times its amount in 1820 (thirty 
 years before); and Toronto had in 1850 eighteen times 
 its population in 1817 (or thirty-three years before). 
 
 * " Nor is the comparative statement of cereal pro- 
 duction less favourable. The growth of wheat is very 
 nearly one-sixth of that of the whole Union ; of barley 
 more than one-fourth ; of oats one-seventh ; and in all 
 grain, exclusive of Indian corn, about one-sixth." ' 
 
 ' Oh, of course,' said Peabody, ' they deserve great 
 credit for all this, don't they ? Thoy had great tracts of 
 
 
 » 
 
 w 
 
206 
 
 THE SKASON-TICKET. 
 
 k 
 
 good land ; rmi.i^n-ants camo and sottlod lliorc ; tlio 
 country f^Tcw, and llio jiopulalion incn>ased. TIh^v 
 couldn't liL'lp it, nohow tlicy could fix it; but iiatorally 
 they aro a hIow conceiving;', Klowbclicvinpc, slow inorcas- 
 inp^ pcoj)l(» when loft to thenisoivcs. There aiu't a yniart 
 city in Canada.' 
 
 * What do you call a smart city ?' I asked, * for I never 
 heard the term before.' 
 
 ' Well, I'll tell you,' he said; 'I was goin' down tlio 
 I\rissisai})pi oncet in a steamer, and the captain, who was 
 ji most ^•entlomanliko man, was a INIr. Oliver (I iis(m1 to 
 call Oliver Cramwell, ho was such an everlastin' eater), 
 and we passed a considerable of a sizeable town. Sais 
 the captain to me, *'Pcabody," sais he, "that's a smart 
 town, and always was. Ten years ago, when I was 
 Btev/ard of a river boat, wo wooded at this place, and 
 there didn't seem to bo any folk there, it looked so still : 
 so as I walked down the street, I seed a yaller cotton oil 
 coat a-hangin' out of a shop door ; I tried it on, and it 
 fitted me exactly, and as there was nobody there to 
 receive the i)ay, 1 walked off, intending, of course, to ])ay 
 for it next time I came that way. I hadn't gone a few 
 yards afore 1 was seized, had up afore the justice, tric^l, 
 convicted, received thirty-nine lashes on my bare back, 
 and, upon my soul, it was all done, and I was on board 
 the steamer agin', in twenty minutes." Xow that's what 
 I call a smart place. They han't got the go-head in 
 them to Canada we have. Their lead bosses in the 
 State team, their Britisli governors, aro heavy Englisli 
 cattle, with a cross of Greek and Latin, and a touch of 
 the brewer's dray. They are a drag on the wheels, made 
 of leaden links, that the colonists have to gild. The only 
 airthly use they can bo put to is to sink them at the 
 mouth of a river in time of war, for they are the grandest 
 obstruction to a new country that ever was invented.' 
 
 ' Pooh, pooh,' said the Senator, ' don't talk nonsense. 
 Such, Mr. Shegog, is this magnificent country, througli 
 which the proposed route to the Pacific is to pass from 
 tho Gulf of St. Lawrence, having a vast continuous 
 chain of navigable waters from the Atlantic to the head 
 
 ♦ i" 
 
'1*0 ; tlio 
 . Tlicy 
 l.'itonilly 
 iiicrcas- 
 a smart 
 
 1 ncv 
 
 cr 
 
 own llio 
 vvlio was 
 
 iis(!(l to 
 
 ' cator), 
 n. Siii.s 
 
 a smiirt 
 a I was 
 ICC, and 
 
 so still: 
 ottoii oil 
 i, and it 
 til ore to 
 ;, to j)ay 
 iG a few 
 3C, tried, 
 -re back, 
 )n board 
 t's what 
 •head in 
 3 in the 
 Enp^hsJi 
 touch of 
 Is, made 
 ["he only 
 I at the 
 :randest 
 nitcd.' 
 >nsense. 
 through 
 ss from 
 tinnous 
 lie head 
 
 OUR NEIGIIDOURS AMD DIST.VNI Kr.LATIONS. 207 
 
 of Lake Superior. Four hundred and ten miles of 
 Bteaminf^ from the ocean, and you reach Quebec, the 
 p:reat seaport of Canada, with a lar;:;o and increasing 
 forei;^n commerce ; 51)0 miles more i)rinp; you to Mon- 
 treal. From thenco seven canals of different lengths 
 and great capacity, lilted for sea-going vessels, enable 
 you to ascend IIG miles of river, and at 108 miles above 
 Montreal, you arc in Lake Ontario. Swiftly traversing 
 this vast body of water, which is LSOmiloslong, you i)ass 
 by the Welland Canal into Lake Erie, and thence through 
 Lake St. Clair, and its river, into Lake Huron, l,)5r)5 
 miles from your starting point, the entrance of the (jiulf. 
 15y means of St. Mary's Kiver, and a gigantic canal, you 
 now enter Lake Superior (a fresh-water sea as large as 
 Ireland, and the recipient of 200 rivers) which enables 
 you to attain a distance of 2,000 miles from the mouth 
 of the St. Lawu'cncc. I do not speak of what vwji hr, 
 ])ut what has been done. Vessels of large burden, built 
 and loaded in Lake Superior, have traversed this entire 
 route, and safely reached both London and Liverpool. 
 
 * Such is the navigable route to liakc Superior. 'JMiero 
 is nothing in England, or indeed in Europe, that can 
 furiiisli by comparison an aderpiate idea of this great 
 river, the St. Lawrenee. Of its enormous tributaries I 
 have not time even to enumerate the principal ones. I 
 must refer you to maps and statistical works for fuller 
 information. I shall only mention one, and that is the 
 Ottowa — it falls into the St. Lawrence near Montreal. 
 It drains with its tributaries a valley of 80,000 square 
 miles, commanding the inexhaustible treasures of the 
 magnificent forests of the north-west of Canada, that 
 cov'cr an area of six times the superficial extent of all 
 Holland. One of the tributaries of this noble river, itself 
 a tributary, the Gatenaux, is 750 miles long, and nearly 
 as largo as the Rhine, being 1,000 feet wide, 217 miles 
 from its junction with the Ottowa. Imagine innumerable 
 other rivers of all sizes downwards, to the hmited extent 
 of those ill England, and you have an idea of the rivers 
 of Canada.' 
 
 * Lyman Boodle,* said Pcabody, rising suddenly, and 
 
 1 
 
 
 i«i 
 
 », 
 
 Jt t 
 
i^OB 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 drawing liimscif np to his full hci.^'bt, * Lyman Boodlo, I 
 like to sec a feller stand up to his lick-log* like a man, 
 and speak truth and shame the devil. You are an 
 American citizen, and wc all have the honour of our great 
 nation to piaintain abroad. My rule is to treat a question 
 I don't like as I treat a hill, if I can't get over it I go 
 round it ; but catch me admitting anything on the sur- 
 face of this great globe in rips, raps, or rainbows, or in 
 the beowels of it, or the folks that live on it, to have 
 anything better than what we have, or to take tlui 
 shine off of us. Don't half that river St. Lawrence 
 belong to us as well as them, and hain't wo got the 
 right to navigate from that half down to the sea? 
 Don't we own half of every lake as well as them, and 
 all Ilui'on besides ? Hain't we got the Mississippi, that 
 runs up over two thousand miles right straight on cend, 
 and only stops then because it is tired of running any 
 farther ? and don't the Ohio fall into that, and, big as it 
 is, seem only a drop in the bucket? If you like it so 
 much, you had better go and settle there, give up being 
 a senator, and shdv down into a skunk of a colonist. 
 I'd hkc to hear you talk arter that fashion to Michigan, 
 and unless you wanted to excite people to board and 
 take Canada, why they would just go and lynch you 
 right off.* 
 
 To give a turn to the conversation, which, on Mr. 
 Peabody's part, was becoming warm, I said, * Has 
 Canada the })0wer to maintain itself against the United 
 States?' 
 
 * I think,' he said, * in the event of a war, in which 
 our population w^as united, we should overrun it.' 
 
 * Well done, Ly,' said his friend, slapping him cordially 
 on the back, * you are clear grit after all — ^you are a chip 
 of the old American hickory block. Overrun it ! to be 
 sure we should, and I should like to know who would 
 stop us? Why we should carry it by boarding ; some of 
 the folks wc should drive into the sea, and some into the 
 lakes, and the rest we should tree. If the telegraph ain't 
 built afore then, the first news they'd get here would be 
 
 that Canada is taken, tlui Ih'itish 
 
 11 air 
 
 liaulcd down, the 
 
OUR NEioiinouns and distant kelations. 
 
 209 
 
 t;'()0sc and gridiron run up, damages repaired, prisoners 
 ditwii tlu^ hold, and all made ready for action agin. It 
 would all be over directly. Here is the telegram — 
 arrived — sav/ it — drew a btnid on it — brought it down — 
 l);igged it. England would feel as astonished as the 
 Hi(iiirrel was Colonel Crockett fired at when ho didn't 
 want to kill the })oor thing. lie drew on it, let go, and 
 took its ear oif so sharp and slick, the critter never 
 missed it till ho •went to scratch his head and foimd it 
 was gone — fact, and no mistake.' 
 
 'Yes,' said the Senator, not heeding the interruption, 
 'w(> shonld overrun it, but Avhether we shonld be able 
 to hold it is another matter; perhajis not.' 
 
 'Ah, there you ago again,' said reabody, *rubbin out 
 with your left hand what you wrote on the slate with 
 your rigid — you arc on the other tack now; I hope it is 
 tlio short leg, at any rate.' 
 
 ' Mr. Shegog,' said the Senator, ' it is almost incredible 
 liow Canada has been neglected by this country. There 
 is much truth mixed up with the extravagant talk of 
 my eccentric friend here. I have reason to believe that 
 the greatest possible ignorance prevails in Downing- 
 strcH^t as respects this noble colony. It is inaccessible 
 to ships in winter, and for mails all the year round. 
 Would you believe it possible that all European and 
 intercolonial mails pass through the United States to 
 Canada, with the exception of a few that arc sent to 
 Quebec during the summer months by provincial 
 steamers? There is no road from Nova Scotia or New 
 P)runswick to Canada. W^e grant permission for the 
 r>iitish mails to be sent there from ])Oston or New York 
 through our territory, but at a month's notice (or some 
 very short period) this iiermission can be withdrawn, and 
 Canada in such a case would be as unapproachable for a 
 certain season, as the interior of Africa. In a military 
 point of view this state of things causes gnvat uneasiness 
 in the British provinces, and, 1 may add, to all discreet 
 and riglit-thinking men also in the United States. If war 
 Were to be declared l)y us in the early p.art of Novem- 
 ber, not a soldier could be sent to the relief of Canada 
 
 % 
 
 I i 
 
 ik 
 
 4 
 * 
 
 l« 
 
 ••« 
 
^10 
 
 1"IIE SEASON-TICICET. 
 
 till May, nor any munitions of war conveyed lliitliep 
 for the use of the people, while their correspondence 
 with the mother country would be ivholh/ suspeiukd. 
 This state of affairs is well known to our citizens, and 
 the defenceless condition of the country invites attack 
 from a certain restless portion of our population, con- 
 yisting of European and British emigrants, to whom 
 })lunder has more allurements than honest labour. It is 
 surprising that the lesson taught by the Crimean war 
 has been so soon forgotten. You may recollect that 
 during that anxious period, the British Government 
 wanted to withdraw a regiment of the line from Canada 
 and send it to Sebastopol, and also to draw upon the 
 hirge munitions of war accumulated at Quebec. The 
 winter meanwhile set in, the navigation was closed, 
 and tlicre were no means of transporting them to 
 Halifax; so they lost their services altogether. Tiio 
 artillery and other miUtary stores were of still more 
 consequence, and it was determined to send them liy 
 means of the railway (leased to an English company) to 
 Portland, and thence ship them to their place of tlcs- 
 tination : but the question arose, whether they could 
 legally be transported through our country, that was at 
 l)eace with llussia at the time. The English Crown 
 Oflicers were of opinion that they Avould be liable to 
 seizAire.' 
 
 * And we arc just the boys to seize them too,' said 
 Peabody, ' for we are great respecters of law.' 
 
 *Yes,' I replied, 'when it happens to be in your 
 favour.' 
 
 'Stranger,' he said, 'you weren't born ycstcrdiiv, 
 that's a fact; you cut your eye-teeth airly; I cave in, 
 and will stand treat. I am sorry they han't got the 
 materials nor the tools for compounding here ; and Boodle 
 is a temperance man, and never dnnks nothing stronsrcr 
 than brandy and whisky; you shall have your choice, 
 try both, and see Avhicli you like best.' 
 
 ' Peabody,' said the Senator, ' I wish you would not 
 keep perpetually interrupting me in tins manner — I 
 almost forget what I was talking about.' 
 
 \'i 
 
OUn NEtGIICOURS AKD DISTAKT RELATIONS. 211 
 
 cl tliitlirr 
 pondcncc 
 suspended. 
 sens, and 
 ,C3 attack 
 tion, con- 
 to "wliom 
 )ur. It is 
 ncan "svar 
 3llcct that 
 Dvcrnment 
 >m Canada 
 ■ npon the 
 ibcc. The 
 as closed, 
 • them to 
 thcr. The 
 still more 
 a them hy 
 mipaiiy) to 
 ,cc of des- 
 thcy could 
 hat Avas at 
 ish Crown 
 ic liable to 
 
 |i too,' said 
 
 [r ' 
 
 r • 
 
 \o in your 
 
 yesterday, 
 
 *I cave in, 
 
 li't got the 
 
 land Booello 
 
 »g stron!:,Tr 
 
 lour choice, 
 
 would not 
 manner— I 
 
 ' Smug-gling" ammunition and cannon through our great 
 country,' said Pcabody. 
 
 ' Ah,' continued the Senator,' * the consequence was 
 llu^y could move neither troops nor military stores. 
 This state of things, if suffered to continue, may cost 
 Great Britain the most valuable colony she possesses.* 
 
 'IIow,' I asked, * do you propose to remedy it?' 
 
 'You are aware, sir,' he replied, *tliat the great 
 through line of railway in Canada is completed to a 
 ]ioint about ninety miles below Quebec, called Trois 
 Pistoles; an extension of thishnc for four hundred and 
 fifty miles will connect it with the Nova Scotia hnc, 
 and then there will be an uninterrupted railway from 
 Halifax through New Brunswick and Canada to Lake 
 Superior. This is the only link now wanting to com- 
 [dete the intercolonial communication. 
 
 ' If once constructed. Great Britain and her colonies 
 will l^e independent of us for the transit of their mails, 
 and the former will be reheved of the burden of main- 
 taining a military force in Canada as a precautionary 
 measure in time of peace. In twelve days a regiment 
 may be conveyed from England to Halifax, and thence 
 by railway to Quebec, accompanied by its baggage and 
 stores ; and the very circumstance that the country can 
 obtain such ready and efficient aid, will, of itself, put an 
 invasion of Canada by us as much out of the question as 
 a descent upon England itself. The three colonies of 
 Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and Canada, have severally 
 undertaken to carry out this great national object, if 
 aided in raising the funds under an imperial guarantee ; 
 but the apathy with which it is viewed in Downing-- 
 street has almost exhausted the patience of the provin- 
 cials who feel that as colonists they are unable to obtain 
 that loan, wliich, if they were independent, they could 
 raise without difficult}'. A feeling of dependence is not 
 very congenial to the Anglo-Saxon mind ; but it is the 
 worst policy in the world to make that dcjiendence more 
 galling than it naturally is. Commercially it is of the 
 utmost importance to the traders to have a safe and 
 cheap mode of conveyance for themselves and their pro- 
 
 p2 
 
 • i« 
 
 ii I' 
 
 tti 
 
 1» 
 
 4,. 
 
 littf 
 
 fr 
 f 
 
 ^jy^.j 
 
 
212 
 
 The season-ticket. 
 
 lit 
 
 (luctions, and a new and extended field opened to tlioni 
 in the Lower Provinces for the exchange of tlieir mutual 
 commodities. At present "sve derive an enormous ad- 
 vantage from intercepting this trade, and directing it 
 through canals^ and railways to various parts of our 
 Union. AVliiic the British Government arc either indo- 
 lently or wilfully negligent in promoting their own 
 interests, our people arc fully alive to the importance of 
 monopolizing the trade of the upper countr3\ The 
 navigable lakes above Canada are bounded by a roast 
 of many thousand miles, connected by canals and rail- 
 Avays from the Mississippi, Missouri, Illinois, AVabasli, 
 and Ohio rivers. Twenty American railways are already 
 in operation, leading' from those rivers to Chicago, one 
 of the largest exporting ports for food of every descriii- 
 tion in the world. In addition to these, there are tlie 
 great Eric Canal, extending to the Hudson River, tlio 
 New York Ce tral Railway, and that to Boston rid 
 Ogdensburg, as well as several others. Now, you must 
 recollect, that while all these Avorks have been con- 
 structed for the express purpose of diverting the trade 
 to us, the same routes furnish us with so many channels 
 for transporting troops for the invasion of the counlrv, 
 to the different points at which they terminate. Sow 
 three things result from this state of affairs — First, wo 
 arc in possession of your only mail route. Secondly, 
 we divert the colonial trade to us, and thereby increase 
 the interest the provincials and ourselves feel in each 
 other, and render annexation not a thing to be dreaded, 
 but to be desired, as one of mutual advantage. Thirdly, 
 our railways and canals afford every means of overrun- 
 ning the country at a season of the year when it is 
 inaccessible to you. The completion of the unfinislieil 
 portion of the line between Nova Scotia and Canada is, 
 therefore, a matter of vital importance, both in ;i 
 military and commercial poin.t of view, and when I con- 
 eider that the British Government is not asked to do 
 this at her own expense, but merely to assist by a 
 guarantee the several provinces in raising the necessary 
 funds, I am utterly at a loss to understand why slie 
 
OUR KEir.nBOrns axd distant hklations. 
 
 213 
 
 (loos not perceive that liov dut}- and her interest ahko 
 demand at her liand.-^. 'Hie truth is, the Colonial Onico 
 is a dead weight on the Empire. Instead of facilitating- 
 and aiding' the progress and dcvclopuient of the coloui(^s, 
 it deadens the energies and obstructs the welfare of the 
 people. It is almost incredible that the ITouic Govern- 
 ment actually subsidize two several lines of ocean 
 steamers to run to Boston and New York, and convey 
 hither their lirst-class emig'rants, their mails, and their 
 valuable merchandise, tiio lirst to swell our population, 
 and the two latter to be first taxed and then conveyed 
 by us to the boundary line ; while Canada is treated 
 more like a foreign and rival country', and left to main- 
 laiu steamers at her own cost as best she may. It is an 
 undeniable fact that these ocean steamers have driven 
 out of the field the passenger and freight shh')^'. that 
 used to run to Quebec, and thereby diverted th . dtr(M\m 
 of emigration from you to New York. Up to 1847, 
 emigration had increased at Quebec to 95,000, against 
 some 80,000 to New York, while in 1850 it had dimi- 
 nished to some 30,000 at the former, against an increase 
 of 200,000 at the latter. The diminution of dire(;t 
 exportation from Quebec has also arisen from the cir- 
 cumstanco of its having no outlet in Avinter. The 
 Halifax Railway will supply this difficulty, and by its 
 harmonious action at an early period make that capital 
 the greatest city of the West. In summer it wiU possess 
 tlio advantage of being 250 miles nearer Liverpool than 
 New York, and in winter it can avail itself of Halifax 
 harbour, which is also 300 miles nearer England than 
 our empire city. How is it that a minister of state 
 knows BO little, and a colonist effects nothing?' 
 
 ' I'll tell you,' said Peabody, ' it's as plain as a boot- 
 jack; it's six of one, and half a dozen of the other; one 
 darsn't, and the other is afraid. One don't know what 
 to do, and t'other don't understand how to do it nohow 
 ho can fix it. There was a feUer came over here from 
 Montreal, to complain that the Newfoundlanders, who 
 are a set of donkeys (the Roman bit hop there used to 
 cull them kings of the rabbits) had granted a monopoly 
 
 
 ■ ^ 
 
2U 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 i» \ 
 
 of scttinj^ up tclof^raphs in the island to a Yankee com- 
 pany, whereby New York would get European noAvs 
 before the British provinces. So he goes to the Colonial 
 Office, and asks for the Boss, to protest against this 
 act getting the assent of the Queen. Well, the gentle- 
 man that tends the door made a gulp of a bit of broad 
 and cheese that he was a-takin' of standing, told hiiu 
 his Lordship was in, and piloted him up, threw open tlio 
 door, and said, *' Mr. Smith, my Lord, from Madawisky." 
 "Mad with whisky," said Lord, stepping back, ami 
 looking scared, "what does all this mean?" "]\[r. 
 Smith, from Madawisky," repeated the usher. " Sit 
 down, sir," said Lord (for he didn't half like a man who 
 had "mad" and "whisky" to his name), "glad to sec 
 you, sir, how did you leave Doctor Livingstone ? had ho 
 reached the great inland lake beyond the desert, when 
 you left himf "What lake?" said Colonist, lookiiio- 
 puzzled, for he began to think minister was mad. 
 " Why the Madawisky," said Peer, " I think you called 
 it by some such name : I mean that lake in Africa, that 
 Livingstone has discovered." " I am not from Africa," 
 said poor Smith, looking skywonoky at him ; " I never 
 was there in my Hfe, and I never heard of Doctor Living- 
 stone. I am from North America," and he was so con- 
 flustri gated he first turned red, and then white, and tlieii 
 as streaked as you please. " Oh ! North America is it V' 
 said the skipper, " well here is a map, show me where 
 it is." Well, while he was looking for it. Lord stoops 
 over him, and he had a great long' ugly stiff beard, as 
 coarse as a scrubbing brush, and it stuck straight out, 
 like the short dock of a horse, he tickled liim so with it, 
 he nearly drove him into a conniption fit. " Oh ! now 
 I see," said Lord, "pray what may your business be?" 
 So he ups and tells him about the Newfoundlanders, 
 and their telegraph, and Cape liace, and the Basin of 
 Bulls, and so on. " Strange names," said Secretary, 
 " I had no idea they had races there, and as for tlic 
 other place, I have heard of the Bulls of Basaii, but I 
 never heard of the Basin of Bulls. That place must be 
 Inhabited by Irishmen, I should tlunk," and tb':n he laid 
 
OUR NEIGIIDOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 215 
 
 back in liis chair, and haw-hawed right out. Smith was 
 awfully scared, he never sot eyes on a lord afore in all 
 his born days, and expected to sec some strange animal 
 like a unicorn, and not a common-looking man Hko him. 
 He was wrothy too, for he thought he was a-quizziii' 
 of him, and felt inclined to knock him down if he dared, 
 and then ho was so excited, he moved to the edge of 
 his chair, and nearly tilted it and himself over chewallop. 
 lie got nervous, and was ready to cry for spite, when 
 Lord said, "Show me Avhere the Basin of Bulls is." 
 " Bay of Bulls," said Smith, kinder snajipishly, and ho 
 rose, and pointed it out to him on the map, and as Lord 
 stooped down again to look at it, he gives a twirl to his 
 heard, that brushed across Smith's mouth and nostrils, 
 and set him off a sneezin' Hke anything. Then, from 
 nliame, passion, and excitement, oif he went into tho 
 liighstrikes, and laughed, sneezed, and cried all at once. 
 Tliey had to lead him out of the room ; and Lord said, 
 " Don't admit that man again, he's either mad or drunk.'* 
 Creation ! what a touss it made among the officials and 
 underhngs. Would you beheve it now, Senator, that 
 monopoly Act ivas passed by the Newfoundlanders, zvaa 
 approved by tho Colonial Office, and did receive tho 
 Royal assent, just because the asses in Newfoundland 
 fomid kindred donkeys in Downing-street ; so the in- 
 terests of Great Britain and the North American colonies 
 were sacrificed to the ignorance and neghgence of this 
 useless — nay, more than useless — obstructive depart- 
 ment.' 
 
 ' Good gracious !' said Mr. Boodle, ' what nonsense you 
 do talk.* 
 
 ' I tell you it ain't nonsense,* said the other : * Presi- 
 dent Buchanan told me so himself, the last hitch I was 
 to England. lie was our minister to St. Jim's at that 
 time, and says he, " Peabody, how long do you think 
 we would stand such a secretary in our great country f* 
 "Jist about as long," I replied, "as it would take to 
 carry him to the first sizable tree, near hand, and then 
 lynch him." And now. Senator, don't you think all this 
 insolence and slack, and snubbing colonists get, comes 
 
 "'M-* 
 
 4 
 
 *4.*« 
 
216 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 Pi 
 
 I % 
 
 from their not being' so cnliglitened and independent aa 
 wc are, nor so well educated V 
 
 * As reg'ards education,' replied tlic Senator, ' you will 
 bo surprised when I tell you that they have made better 
 provision for instructing^ the rising generation than we 
 ourselves. Of the social benefits to be derived by a 
 nation from the general spread of intelligence, Canada 
 has been fully aware, and there is not a child in the 
 province without the means of receiving instruction, 
 combined with moral training. In fact, the system of 
 education now cstabHshed there far exceeds in its 
 comprehensive details anything of the kind in Great 
 Britain. 
 
 'In 1842, the number of common schools in Upper 
 Canada was 1,721, attended by GG,000 pupils ; and in 
 1853, the number had increased to 3,127 schools, and 
 195,000 pupils. There are noAv in the upper province, 
 in addition to the above, eight colleges, seventy-nine 
 county grammar schools, one hundred and seventy-four 
 private, and three normal and model schools, forming a 
 total of educational estabhshments in operation of 3,3'Jl, 
 and of students and pupils 204,000. But to return to 
 what I was saying when Mr. Peabody interrupted me, 
 you may take what I now say as incontrovertible — 
 
 ' 1st. Transatlantic steamers, subsichzed by Great 
 Britain, should be in connexion with her own colonies, 
 and especially Canada. 
 
 ' 2ndly. The completion of the Quebec and Halifax 
 line of railway is of vital importance, both in a defensive 
 and commercial point of view ; and any delay in finishin.12,' 
 it may be productive of infinite mischief, if not of the 
 loss of Canada. 
 
 '3rdly. As soon as possible, after this railway is 
 finished (which wiU complete tlie line from Halifax to 
 Lake Superior), immediate steps should be taken to 
 provide a safe, easy, and expeditious route to Frazcr's 
 Kiver, on the Pacific. Had such been now in existence, 
 you never would have heard of the invasion of St. Juan, 
 for an English force could leave Southampton on the 
 1st of November, and on the IGth of the same month 
 
OUR NEIGniiOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 
 
 217 
 
 arrive at Yancouvcr Island. An ounce of precaution w 
 tt'ovth a pound of ewe. ]5ut this is your uffuir, and not 
 L'linc. I liope you will excuse the ]->laiu unreserved 
 iTianncr in which I have spoken. I have said what I 
 really think, and give you as candid an opinion as I am 
 able to form. 
 
 ' But it is now getting late, and as I feci somewhat 
 fatigued I must ?'etirc.' 
 
 As the Senator left the room, Pcabody put his finger 
 to his nose, and whispered to mo, 'Didn't I put him on 
 his mettle for you beautiful? He is a peowerfnl man 
 that, but he wants the spur to get his Ebenezer up, and 
 then the way he talks is a caution to orators, I tell you. 
 Good night.* 
 
 ^ 
 
 "1 
 
 ,11 » 
 
 :ormmg a 
 
 it 
 
 ,-, >. 
 
 
 '% p** . 
 
 1 
 
 f 
 
218 
 
 TIIK SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 No. IX. 
 
 T-:?. UVXNO AND THE DEAD. 
 
 . 
 
 V* 
 
 Eakly the following morning', Colonel Mortimer called 
 upon me, and proposed that wc should visit tlio various 
 objects of interest in and about the port of Southampton, 
 and defer our departure for London to a later train iu 
 the afternoon. To those who think with mo, that no 
 view can be perfect that does not include a considcrahlo 
 quantity of navigable water within it, Southampton 
 presents great attraction. What, indeed, can be more 
 laeautiful than the prospect exhibited to the admirinii; 
 eye of a stranger, as he approaches it from Basingstoke, 
 embracing at once the town, a large portion of the New 
 Forest, and the extensive bay, protected by tho Isle of 
 Wight? 
 
 My old friend, Commodore Rivers, was our guide on 
 this occasion. lie was an enthusiastic admirer of tlio 
 place (with evciy j^art of which he was well acquainted), 
 and had many interesting anecdotes connected with it, 
 which he told in his own peculiar style. As a seaman, 
 the docks stood first in his estimation, not only for their 
 utility, but for their beauty. Now this is a quality, I 
 confess, I could never see in them, any more than in 
 foot- tubs ; we may admire their magnitude, their useful- 
 ness, their wonderful construction and importance, but 
 their beauty, if they have any, is discernible only to a 
 nautical eye. On our way thither we passed the ' Great 
 Carriage -1[)uilding Factory ' of the late Mr. Andrews. 
 
 ' A clever man that, sir,' said the Commodore ; ' did a 
 vast deal of good to the place, employed a great many 
 bands, and was a hospitable and a popular man, too. 
 
THE UVIXG AND TFIE DEAD. 
 
 219 
 
 ITo was three times Mayor of Soutliain})ton, and boasted 
 tliut he was the greatest coach-buiUler in the kingdom. 
 Says I to him one day — "Andy, how is it yon Iniild 
 so cheap?" "Come in, and take a glass of brandy and 
 water with me," said he, "and I will tell you." And 
 that,* remarked the Commodore, ' puts me in mind that 
 I don't feel very well to-day. The last time I was at 
 Alexander, in tlie Simla, I had a touch of cholera, and I 
 have never been quite free from pain since; 1 will just 
 go on to the Koyal, "above bar" here, and take a 
 tiiimbleful neat, or, as More O'Ferrall used to call his 
 whisky, " the naked truth." ' 
 
 AVhen he rejoined us, he continued : ' Andrews said, 
 " I will tell you. Commodore, the secret of my success. 
 I first took the hint from you." " From n^.e," says I ; 
 " why I know nothing about any wheel in the world but 
 a paddle-wheel, and that is built with Uoats, not spokes, 
 and has an axle, but no hob ; or a helm to steer by, that 
 makes a vessel turn round, but not go ahead. How 
 could I know anything about coach-building ? " " Why," 
 says he, " I caught the idea from a story you once told 
 nie of the black preacher." " Oh, I remember it!" said 
 I ; " he was one of the 'inaiicipated niggers in Jamaica, 
 that was too lazy to work, so he took to itinerant 
 preaching. When he returned from one of his circuits, 
 as he used to call them (for his old master was a lawyer), 
 ho was asked what he got for his day's work. ' Two- 
 and-sixpence,' said he. ' Poor pay,' replied his friend, 
 * it ain't as much as I get for hoeing cane.' ' Yes, 
 Pompey,' he said, 'it is poor pay, but reck'lect, it's berry 
 poor preachin' I gibs 'em, berr}'' poor, indeed; for I 
 can't gib 'em Latin or Greek as church minister does, 
 and I can't talk die (dictionary) — niggers is always 
 berry fond ob what dey can't understand. AVhen I 
 can't 'swade 'em, I frittens 'em — dat is de great art, 
 and white preacher don't always understand de natur ob 
 coloured folks. Now, Pomjiey, dere is one natur ob 
 nigger, and one natur of Massa Buckra. You can't 
 scare our people by telling 'em dey'll go to berry hot 
 
 
 *¥ 
 
220 
 
 Tlin SEASOK-TICKrX 
 
 ' 
 
 1 
 
 i 
 
 I I 
 
 ))l!ico if (loy [■A Rinnor?!, for no plnco is too hot for dcia 
 (l;it sleep on nillow of liol, rousted Siiiul in do broilin heat, 
 ol) <liiy, wid (len^ fii(H>s turned n[) to it, liive a sun-llowiT. 
 I scare deni by cold: 1 talk ol» frozen riithers dat dcy 
 must walk on barefoot, and ob snow drifts, ami ol» 
 carryin' g-reat juidcs ob ic(» on dero bare beads for ober 
 and eber, lik<i disci iar<j;-in' car^^'oes of Yankee; ico from 
 ]{oston vess(»ls, wliicli kills more ob deni dan yaller fever. 
 1 can't talk book larnin', 'canso I can't read; nor eber- 
 lastin* lon,L;' words, 'cause 1 can't pronounce 'em. I'ut I 
 frittcn dem to death amost, so d(>y call mc " Old Scaro 
 Crow." Yes, half a dollar a day is poor i)ay, l>ut f 
 must 'fess it's berry ])oor preachin'.' Is that the story 
 yon mean ?" " Yes," aays Andrews, " that's the story ; 
 *j)oor pay, poor preachini:^,' started the idea in my mind 
 of ' cheap work, cheap price.' Now I Avon't say I char<;-(i 
 low because my work is indifferent, for it is very good 
 for the price ; but I don't build my vehicles to last for 
 over — that is the grand mistake of the trade. In a 
 general way, carriages outlive v/hat is called ' all the go,' 
 though they are as good as ever for wear after they 
 become unpresentable. Old coaches don't suit new 
 bom lets, line birds must have new cages, a coat is of no 
 use after it is too long or too short waisted, or too high 
 or too low in the collar, however good it is; it is then 
 only lit lor the Jew's bag, or for Hag fair. I build my 
 tra[)S to lii!^ ' ^s long as the fashion does, it saves labour 
 ami material, and suits both buyer and seller. Then I 
 talvo my pay generally by three amiual instaluKMils, 
 which is an investment of two-thirds of the capital at 
 five per cent." 
 
 ' It's a pity that the trade hadn't his honesty, and 
 talked truth and sense as he did. Poor man! he died of 
 a broken heart, he never held up his head after Palmerstou 
 jockeyed him out of his election. The grand mistake 
 Andrews made, was, he forgot ivho greased his ivhecb^ 
 turned against the aristoo-acy who made him what he 
 was. and joined the Radicals, who, my w^asiierw^omau 
 declares, are not " carriage people." He didn't know 
 
 
THE LIVING AND TIIK DEAD. 
 
 
 wliat you aiul I do, that tlu3 Wlii<;\s use tlie Radicals to 
 p;t into )K)Wor, and then, in their turn, forget who 
 (jrcnsal t/icir v/icc/s for them.' 
 
 ' 1 was uol, iu tho count ry at tlio IIiikn' I said 'and do 
 not know to wliat you alhidc^ — wliat is the story?' 
 
 ' Wiiy, said tlio Conmiodorc, 'Andrews herird tiiiit 
 the (Juverrnnent was usin^* its inlhuuico in th(! Soutii- 
 junpton election for tho Wliij^ canihdate wlio startecl in 
 opposition to liiin. So ho wrote to ]\iinierston, for 
 wlioin lie had fon,uht throu,i;-h tliick and thin, to aslv him 
 if it was true. Wliat does his lordship do, l)tit instejid 
 of answering- his question, writes l)ack in his usual 
 siipercilions wny, "Since you ask my ojjinion, I think 
 i/nit had hetter stay at home and mind your own Itnsiness." 
 Vou never lieard sucli a row as tliat kicked up at 
 S(uithanipton, in all your life. Tlu; Tories crowed, and 
 said, " sarvcd him ri^j,'ht;" tho Whigs laughed, and said 
 he might know something of the spring of a carriage, 
 hut not of tho springs of government ; and the Radicals 
 threw up their hands in disgust, and said thej'" could do 
 nothing without court cards. 
 
 * It's astonishing what gamblers these fellows arc. 
 they always expect the knave to be tnrned up trumps. 
 Poor Andrews ! he was never the same man artcrwards. 
 1 used to try fo rally him, for he was a good-hearted 
 fellow as ever lived, though he was a Radical. " Andy," 
 1 used to say to him, "you sec you have been chucked 
 over, my bo}'-, to lighten the ship : you arc what we call 
 at S(^a a ' jutsum,' l)ut bonse \\\) the mainstay, and have 
 ])luck enough tobe a ' ilo.'itsum ;'hold (»iiby yonr eyelids, 
 you'll come ashore safe yet, and then show light, and 
 we will all vote for you, because you have been ill-used." 
 lUit it was no good. Then I tried him on another tack. 
 Says I, "Did you ever hear, my old friend, of a 
 tarantula ? " " No," says he, " I never did — what is it ? " 
 " Why," saj^s I, " it is a great big speckle-bellied spider, 
 that is common in the Mediterrancvan countries. Captain 
 Inglesby, the great Conservative here, calls it a Whig, 
 for it turns on its own small fry if they cross its i)ath, 
 snaps them right up, and lives on \'ni. Its bite, if not 
 
 i 
 
 
 
222 
 
 THE SEASON-IICKET. 
 
 i 
 
 V 
 
 t1 
 
 attended to, is said to bo certain deatli. When an 
 Italian is stun,!;' l»y one of tlicsc creatures, lie sends for 
 musicians, and dances and sing-s till lie falls down 
 exhausted on the iioor, it's the only cure in nature thfre 
 is for it. Kow, cheer up ! i/ou have been bit by a politi- 
 cal tarantula; and so was Inglesby himself once at the 
 Admiralty, and he capered and hopped about like a 
 shakinp;' Quaker, till the joison was thrown off by 
 perspiration." 
 
 ' i3ut it was no p;o, Andrews shook his head — " My 
 •wheels is locked," said he, *' I can never see the pole of 
 a carriag-e a,£^ain without thinking" of the poll at the 
 hustings, or liow can I make seats for others, who have 
 lost my own ? It's bootless to complain, and its all diclri/ 
 Avith mc now." And so on, and he tried to laugh and 
 joke it off ; but Pam had put the leak into him, and he 
 felt the water g-aining on him ; so he just drifted aAvay 
 towards home and foundered, ard it was the last time I 
 ever saw him. 
 
 * Poor fellow ! I lost a great friend in him, and so did 
 Southampton too, I can tell you. But as Inglesby said 
 to mc one day (and there ain't a more sensible man in 
 this place than he is), " Rivers," said he, his life and 
 death ought to be a warning to Radicals who volunteer 
 for the forlorn hope, die in the breach, and open the way 
 for the Whig-s to enter, gain the victory, and bag all 
 the prize money. What," said he, "did the party ever do 
 for Joe Ilume, who fought their battles for them with 
 the Tories? Why, they sent his picture to his wife, 
 and then raised a paltry subscription for a lying- monu- 
 ment to himself — one made him handsomer, and the 
 other a greater man than he was. Thcij paid him in 
 fadtenj^ a cheap coin, like Gladstone's adulterated half- 
 penny that passes fur more than it's worth. Yes, and 
 when they had done these two paltry acts, one of their 
 wittiest members said, ' we have now paid our debt of 
 gratitude to this eminent man, and the "tottle of the 
 hull " (and he mimicked his Scotch accent to please the 
 Irish) is, we ought, from respect to so great an econo- 
 mist, not to ask for a stcwtpcd receipt." ' 
 
THE LIVING AXD THE DEAD. 
 
 223 
 
 * Curious world, tliis, TiFr. Sliego,c^,' continued the 
 Commodore, 'this country is fooled in a ^vay no other 
 nation of the world is. Yesterday I dined on board of 
 yonder man-of-war, the captain of which I knew at 
 jjalaclava, and we were talking* over old times and the 
 present state of thing's. Says he, " Rivers, wliat a 
 muddle the AVhigs made of the Russian war — didn't 
 they ? and what a mess they will make of it again, if 
 we should ever have a set-to witli France. I can't 
 think this country would trust them in such a case ; but 
 if they do, depend upon it wo arc lost for ever. Wc 
 dou't want tricksters, but men of honour and men of 
 ] thick. Wo require tiie right man in the riglit place — a 
 thorough-going- Enghshmanis the only one that is lit to 
 stand at the helm in such a crisis as the present. The 
 Whigs rely on Conservative votes to defend them 
 a.^'ainst the great Liberals, and on tlio sui)port of the 
 Radicals, because lliey outbid the Tories. They play off 
 one against the other: and though hated and distrusted 
 hy botli, they "win the game, f(n' their trumps arc all 
 marked, and they ain't above looking into the hands of 
 their adversaries. There are three parties in this 
 country — Conservatives, Whigs, and Radicals. Tho 
 AMiigs are the weakest and smallest, but they cheat at 
 cards, and come off winners. Talk of Lord Derby being" 
 ill a minority — so he was, by half a dozen ; but that was 
 a minonty of the icliole house. The Whigs arc nowhere, 
 tlicy are numerically so few, but by good tactics, they 
 so manage matters as to govern the country by a 
 ininority that is actually less than cither of the other 
 l)ai-ties." 
 
 'I agree with him cntirel}^,' said the Commodore, 
 'tliough I couldn't express it as Vv'cll as lie did. Rut 
 lierc wc are at the docks. Reautiful docks, tliese, sir, 
 as you will see anjnvhcre, and lovely craft in them, too 
 — ain't they ? ' 
 
 'Do you mean those beautiful young ladies on the 
 quay ? ' I said. ' For if j'ou do, I am of tlie same opinion 
 — they arc the best specimens of English girls I havo 
 Been since my return.' 
 
 'S 
 
 »*• *! 
 
 "Hi. 
 
224 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 'Ah,' ho continiiccl, *go where you will, sir, whoro 
 will you SCO the like of Enghsliwoincn ? I am an oM 
 man now, but I have a g"Ood eye for " the lines," as wn 
 call them in a ship. I^cautiful models, ain't they? real 
 clippers ; it's impossible to look on 'em without loving- 
 'cm. Poor dear thing's ! how many of them I have had 
 under my charg-e afore now, taking them to Lisbon, 
 Gibraltar, or Malta, or to Alexander, to go to the East. 
 1 could tell you many very queer and some very sad 
 stories about some of my lady passengers that 1 took 
 out with me in the Peninsular and Oriental steamers. 
 Some don't go out, but are sent out to India to try their 
 fortune ; others are engaged by letter to old friends 
 they had once known at home, who had offered to thcni 
 through the post-office, and were accepted. They oft^Mi 
 changed their minds on the way out (for a quarter-dcjk 
 is a famous place for love-making), and got married in 
 the Mediterranean. I will give you the histories of 
 some of them one of these days. 
 
 ' Now, ain't these splendid docks ? They were incr)r- 
 porated in 1836, and have a space allotted to them of 
 208 acres. The quay line extends 4,200 feet. There 
 are two portions, one enclosing sixteen acres, having 
 eighteen feet of water at the lowest tides, with gates 
 150 feet wide ; and the other, a close basin for shij^s to 
 deliver their cargoes afloat. It is one of the noblest 
 establishments of the kind in Europe; and all this has 
 sprung up from our Peninsular and Oiiental Line using 
 the port, which has been the making of Southampton. 
 It was here that Canute sat in his arm-chair, to show 
 his courtiers (id'ter he gave up drinking and m-urder) 
 that th jugh he was a mighty prince, he could not con- 
 trol the advance of the sea.' 
 
 ' Well, I said, * what Canute could not do, your Dock 
 comj)any has accomplished. It has actually said to the 
 sea, " Thus far shalt thou go, and no farther ; " and the 
 waves have obeved the mandate.' 
 
 'They tell me,' said Rivers, "that this has always 
 been a noted place for expeditions to sail from, and for 
 our enemies to attack. It was sacked in Edward the 
 
 J 
 
THE LIVIXG AND Till: DEAD. 
 
 225 
 
 ThircVs time ; and the son of the Kin.c: of Sicily lost his 
 life while plundering it. Henry the Fifth rendezvoused 
 here, for the invasion of France ; ana it's my behef that 
 tlicse Johnny Crapauds, some foggy day or dark night, 
 will pay ns a visit from Cherbourg. If they do, I hope 
 they won't firo a gun from the forts till cveiy ship has 
 got inside ; and then we'll let them know, that those 
 wlio licked them at the Nile have left behind them 
 cliildren that can thrash them as well as their fathers 
 (lid. The breed hasn't run out, I can tell you. But it 
 k time to move on. Let us go now to Nctloy Abbey ; 
 it is only three miles from the town ! ' 
 
 ' AVhat a beautiful ruin ! ' I exclaimed, when "wo 
 1 ached the lovely spot ; ' I could hnger here for hours. 
 What a place to meditate in ; to give licence to the 
 imagination ; and to endeavour to rcahzc it as it was in 
 tlio olden time ! ' 
 
 ' It is like an old man,' said the Commodore, * vene- 
 rable for its age, and noble even in its dilapidations ; 
 but it don't do to inquire too closely into its past life. If 
 you had seen such places as I have on the Continent, 
 pcDpled as they now are, nnd in the way that this once 
 VMS, it would knock all the romance out of you, I can 
 tell you. If these abbeys had been in the same hands, 
 and continued in full occupation of the Church to this day, 
 England would have remained stationary too. If Netley 
 Abbey had continued as it w^as, so w^ould Southampton 
 (or Ilanton, as it was then called). Poets and artists 
 may have the abbey all to themselves, if they Uke ; but 
 give me the docks ! I dare say it does make a good 
 drawing; but to my mind a bill of exchange, or a 
 cheque on Coutts', or Childs', is the prettiest drawing 
 in the world. The docks feed more mevx than all the 
 abbeys and monasteries in this part of England put 
 together ever did ; but if you intend to go up by the 
 afternoon train, it is time for you to tliink of returning. 
 We must finish our tour of inspection some other day.' 
 
 On reaching the Southampton station, there was such 
 a crowd of passengers Iuud our party could not all bo 
 accommodated in one carriage, and we severally seized 
 
 i 
 
 ,i, * 
 
 
 ^« 
 
22G 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET, 
 
 i^ 
 
 •■I 
 
 upon any vacant scats wo conUl find. I thus Ijccame 
 Bcparatcd from my friends of the previous cvcnin|^, and 
 found myself among a party returning to Wincliest(>r, 
 who liad been to see the Great Eastern, whoso merit k 
 and defects they discussed in that decided and satisfac- 
 tory manner which those who have never seen a vessel 
 before are alone competent to do. They were quite 
 unanimous in their opinion that, when resting on tlio 
 top of two waves, she would break asunder in tlio 
 centre, collapse, and founder ; or, that if by any chance, 
 while leaping like a kangaroo from one mountain wave 
 to another, she should fail to reach the preceding one, 
 she would inevitably plunge head foremost into tlio 
 intervening gulf, and vanish from sight altogether; 
 that she would either pitch into the waves, or the waves 
 would pitch into her, and that as her model was that of 
 an egg, if she had ever the misfortune to be in a rolling 
 sea, she would certainly roll over ; although it was very 
 doubtful whether her flat deck would permit her to come 
 up again on the other side. A young lawyer, of a 
 poetical turn nf mind, amused the party by declaring 
 she would in that case make an excellent submarine 
 palace for Neptune ; and expressed his determination, if 
 she ever foundered, and her exact position could bo 
 ascertained, to visit her in a diving-bell. lie hoped, ho 
 said, to be present at the first ball given by his marine 
 majesty to the sea-nymphs of his court, and the young 
 mermaid ladies, of whose luxuriant hair and extraor- 
 dinary beauty so much had been said and sung, lie 
 grew quite animated on the subject — 'Only tliink,' ho 
 said, 'of John Dory swimming through a quadi'illo 
 with Miss Ann Chovy, giving his neighbour a flip on 
 the shoulder, and saying, ">S72r, John, your fin^;, and 
 give us a Highland fling." He was of opinion that of 
 llat fish there would, as a matter of course, be as many 
 as in other courts, and cross old crabs too. Common 
 plaices, he was sure, would be in abundance, as well as 
 'good old soles.' Bloaters, the aldermen of the sea, 
 enjoy good eating, and are sure to be found at civio 
 
 i 
 
THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 
 
 227 
 
 fnasts, * What a glorious thing",' ho exclaimed, *it 
 v.'ould be to hear a real syren sing*; wouldn't it?' 
 
 ' I suppose,' said the young lady with a wicked smile, 
 'tliat sharks, like lawyers, would also be plentifully 
 there, seeking whom they could devour. But pray tell 
 me,' she continued, ' do you believe in mermaids V 
 
 'Do you believe in mermen?' replied the barrister, 
 'l)ocauso you know, there can't be one without tho 
 other.* 
 
 'If that is the case,* she said, *I do. A merman 
 iinist bo a lawyer-like creature ; an amphibious animal, 
 neither fish nor flesh — at once, a diver and a dodger. 
 But really now, and without joking, do you believe there 
 arc such things or beings as mermaids V 
 
 ' Why not V replied the young lawyer, who bore the 
 allusions to his profession with great good-humour — 
 ' Why not V A beaver, you know, is an animal, and a 
 most clever and ingenious one too; an engineer, and 
 builds a dam to make an artificial lake ; an architect, 
 and designs a house ; a carpenter competent to build, 
 and a mason, to plaster it; and yet the tail of tho 
 beaver is a fish's tail ; has scales on it hke a fish ; and 
 requires to be kept continually submerged in water, 
 Wiiy shouldn't a mermaid be a fink between us and 
 fislies in the same way that a beaver is between animals 
 and them?* 
 
 *I didn't ask,* the young lady retorted, with some 
 warmth, ' why such creatures should not be, but whether 
 you behove they really do exist.* 
 
 * Well,' he said, affecting to look wise, * not having 
 seen, I don't know ; and not knowing, I can't say ; but 
 their existence appears to me to be as well authenticated 
 as that of the sea-serpent. Hundreds of people declare 
 they have seen the latter, among whom is a captain in 
 the Royal Navy ; and Mr. Grattan, in his recent work 
 on America, states, that all his family beheld the marine 
 monster from their window at the inn at Nahant, in 
 Massachusetts Bay, as plainly as they saw the water, 
 or the shios in the harbour. Now, Miss Mackay, tho 
 
 q2 
 
 " ti 
 
 1* 
 
 1 
 
 li! I. *j 
 
228 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 .1 
 
 daughter of a Scotch clergyman, tlic minister of Rcah, 
 in the North of Scotland, whose letter is ]n'eservc(l in 
 the Annual Register, declared on oath that she and four 
 other persons had the pleasure of contemplating a inti-- 
 maid for a whole hour, while disporting itself within a 
 few yards of them, for their particular instruction and 
 amusement. It was so near that they saw the colour 
 of its eyes and hair ; and she describes it most minutely : 
 says she was particularly struck with its long taiicr 
 fingers, hly-whitc arms, and magnificent neck and l)usl. 
 This mermaid was, most probably, crossed in love, for 
 it often placed its hand under its alabaster cheek, and 
 floated pensively and thoughtfully on the water. So 
 you see its existence is as well authenticated as that of 
 the sea-serpent.' 
 
 'Then you believe in them both?' asked the yonn,L^' 
 lady. 
 
 * No, indeed,' he rephed, * I do not. Professor Owoii 
 has proved that they not only do not, but that they 
 cannot exist.' 
 
 ' Well, I don't thank him,' rejoined the young lady, 
 * for his demonstration. I like to believe in sea-serpents, 
 and mermaids, and ghosts, and dreams, and all that sort 
 of thing ; it excites and thrills me. I wouldn't give up 
 the Arabian Nights' Entertainments for all the wiso 
 books Professor Owen ever wrote, or ever will write in 
 his life. Now, there is that legend about Netlcy 
 Abbey — perhaps it may be an invention, if you come to 
 criticise it and ask for proof ; but still it is a pretty 
 little antiquarian story, and I like to believe it ; / don't 
 wan't to be undeceived. There is a moral attached to 
 it, showing that consecrated ground cannot be dese- 
 crated with impunity.' 
 
 ' I am not aware,' said the lawyer, * to what you 
 allude ; but recollect I never believe any thing that is 
 not proved.* 
 
 *No,' she said, *nor do you believe it when it ip. 
 Smethurst, you know, was found guilty of murder, so 
 thought the judge, so thought the jury, and so did tiio 
 public ; but Sir Cornewall Lewis said, " If you cull that 
 
THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 
 
 229 
 
 :cr of Ptcah, 
 n-escrvcd in 
 ilie unci f(^iu' 
 
 L'lf Witliiji ;i 
 
 ruction ana 
 
 V the colour 
 
 t minutely: 
 
 ^ong' tape J. 
 
 k and I)ust. 
 
 in love, for 
 
 clieek, and 
 
 water, ^^o 
 
 as that of 
 
 the 
 
 yomi-' 
 
 2ssor Owen 
 t that they 
 
 oung- lad}^, 
 a-serpents, 
 11 that sort 
 n't give np 
 _ the wis(; 
 ill write in 
 ut l^ctlcy 
 )u come to 
 s a pretty 
 t; /don't 
 ttached to 
 be dc6c- 
 
 what you 
 ng that is 
 
 len it is. 
 iirder, so 
 !0 did (iio 
 . call that 
 
 man pi'ullty of poisoning the body, what will you say of 
 agitators who have })oisoned the minds of tlie public? 
 One is as innocent as the other, for no noxious drug can 
 be found in tlic stomach of the one, or the brain of the 
 other ;" that, I suppose, you will call Ilonie-Ofllce logic ; 
 won't you?' 
 
 ' Uncommon g-ood,* said the lawyer ; but what is the 
 tradition of Nctley Abbey, that you wish to believe, if 
 you can?' 
 
 " Well,' she said, * Netley Abbey, about the beginning' 
 of the last century, Avas sold by Sir Bartlett Lacy to a 
 Quaker builder, who had bought it for the purpose of 
 using its materials in the way of his trade. Shortly 
 afterwards, the purchaser had a dream that he was 
 tiddng down the arch over the cast window, wlien the 
 keystone fell upon him and killed him. He related this 
 dream to the celebrated Dr. Isaac Watts, who was a 
 native of Southampton, and, though a dissenter, was 
 educated by a Churchman, and attached to the Estab- 
 lishment. When he heard of his dream, he advised him 
 not to have any thing" to do with the demolition of this 
 house of the Lore, The Quaker, however, ridiculed the 
 idea of consecrated ground, as his successors, Bright 
 and others, have since do^^e, and while proceedinp^ to 
 take down the building", :. ocone from the cast window 
 fell upon him, and killed him. Netley Abbey still stands, 
 hut what would it have been without this tradition? 
 Now, I like this little legend; it is charming, and I 
 strive to believe it. The removal of the body of St. 
 Swithin (who is our patron saint at Winchester) amid 
 continued rains, gave rise to the popular story or preju- 
 dice, that should St. Swithin's day, the 15th of July, be 
 wet, it will rain for forty days consecutively. I dare 
 say you laugh at all this ; but I wish to think it true ; 
 and, what is more, half the world believes in it. If 
 I gave that up, pray what have you to give me in its 
 |)lace for a creed ? It is safer and pleasanter to believe 
 too much than too little. For instance, what a delightful 
 thing it is to think w^e are under the protection of invi- 
 Bible agents ! depend upon it, it has a beneficial influence 
 
 1 i 
 
 "3 
 
 % 
 
230 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 on the mind. Who would wish to bo witfeout a giiat« 
 dian angel — would you?* 
 
 * No, indeed,' he said, with an admirin^^ and aff(!c- 
 tionate look, * but I like a visible one, not spiritual, but 
 substantial;' and then ho continued in an under tone, 
 * such a one I know, and almost worship, but the worst 
 of it is I believe I am more afraid of her than I sliould 
 be of one from the other world. AVhen I attem[)t to 
 address her, and entreat her to take me under her guar- 
 dianship, the words die ore they pass my hps,' [the 
 young lady hung her head and blushed], ' I stare, 
 stammer, and look and feel like a fool.' 
 
 ' What a coward you are ! ' she replied, giving him a 
 look of encouragement that invited confidence; 'I should 
 have thought tliat a lawyer like you, who advocates tlie 
 causes of others, would be eloquent when pleading his 
 own. If you cannot speak, surely you caii write. But, 
 dear me ! here we are at Winchester,' 
 
 What an opportunity was thus lost! He had evi- 
 dently screwed himself up to the point when his spcccli 
 and his journey were thus unexpectedly brought to an 
 end. They both appeared loath to depart and to sepa- 
 rate, but time and trains wait for no one. 
 
 This party had hardly left the carriage before their 
 seats were filled by the ladies with whom I had travelled 
 the preceding day, and I heard the word 'Shegog,' 
 accompanied by a titter, repeated again among the 
 young ladies as they recognized me as * the man with 
 the funny name,' who had travelled with them the day 
 before. 
 
 * Ah,' said the elder lady, apparently resuming a con- 
 versation that had been interrupted by the stoppage of 
 the train, * it was an extraordinary scene, and one I can 
 never forget.' 
 
 ' To what scene do you allude, Aunt,' asked one of 
 her young companions. 
 
 ' The annual election for the admission of idiots into 
 the asylum. It was held in the London Tavern, in 
 October last, and I attended it with a friend. As we 
 ascended the stairs, of which there were three or four 
 
TTTE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 
 
 4,0 L 
 
 out a 
 
 giiaf- 
 
 and affoc. 
 >iritual, but 
 aridcr tone, 
 fc the worst 
 in I slioul,] 
 ittempt to 
 r her guar- 
 lips,' [the 
 
 *I stare, 
 
 'in.o: him a 
 ; 'I should 
 ^ocates the 
 eading- his 
 •itc. But, 
 
 > had cvi- 
 lis speech 
 g-ht to an 
 i to sepa- 
 
 fore their 
 I travelled 
 
 * Sheg'On;',* 
 
 fiong the 
 nan with 
 1 the day 
 
 ig" a con- 
 ppagc of 
 Jne I cau 
 
 I one of 
 
 :ot8 into 
 
 vern, in 
 
 As we 
 
 or four 
 
 flights, printed placards were fastened to tlie walls, and 
 even tied all round the hand-rail of the stairs. Tiicy 
 consisted of earnest reconnnendations of tiio various 
 distressing cases — " Vote for A.B., aged tliirteen years, 
 parents dead, supported by an aged grandiatlier, who is 
 now out of work." — " Your vote is earnestly entreated 
 for C. D.J Father dead, Mother keeps a mangle." And 
 RO on, up to one hundred and thirty-two crpudly afflict- 
 ing cases, of which only twenty could be admitted into 
 the asylum on this occasion. When wo reached tin; 
 election room, it was covered w^ith at least a hundred 
 small tables, some of which exhibited two placards, 
 others only one, similar to those on the staircase. At 
 these tables were seated the friends of the different 
 unhappy candidates, for the purpose of receiving and 
 collecting votes and proxies, which from time to tinio 
 were transmitted to the polling officers at the upper end 
 of the room. But the touters played a prominent part 
 in this strange scene, and their language sounded veiy 
 extraordinary to my nninitiated ears. " I want twenty 
 idiots," said one, '^ hr.vc you any to spare? I'll give 
 you twenty infant orphans for them. " No, I want a 
 hundred idiots myself." " Well, I'll tell you what I will 
 do, I'll lend you ten idiots if you can give me fifteen 
 indigent blind." Done ! write out an iOU, and I'll sign 
 it, and give me the idiots at once." 
 
 ' One of the most touching incidents ^vas a poor, dear 
 httle deaf and dumb child, perambulating the room w^ith 
 a relative, soliciting votes for her own admission into a 
 Deaf and Dumb Asylum, by talking with her fingers. I 
 think she was one of the most beautiful and interesting 
 little creatures I ever beheld. The election continued 
 from twelve tifi two o'clock ; I did not wait to see its 
 close, but as the time drew near for its termination, 
 tears of disappointment and distress were visible in tlic 
 eyes of the friendless and unsuccessful poor. 
 
 ' It is an excellent institution, but, like many others in 
 this charitable country, is susceptible of improvement in 
 its management. For instance, I think the poor idiots, 
 "when once admitted, should be maintained through life, 
 
 IK 
 
 1 
 
 
 
 4 
 
 %» 
 
232 
 
 THE SEASOK-TICKET. 
 
 instead of bclnp^ liable to dismissal, unless rc-clectod at 
 the end of every five or seven years. But none of tlicso 
 Rufferiiig' people gave vent to tlieir grief as Lady Sarah 
 did this morning. " Oh, Martha," she said, as she hnrsi, 
 into my room, *'this is a dreadful business. Lord Pole- 
 bury is quite dead. Lady Middlcton as blaek and soft as 
 if she had been boiled, and Prince Frederick AVilliam 
 Avill never recover ! What terrible destruction !" ' This 
 observation seemed to wake up an elderly gentleman 
 from a reverie in which he was indulging. lie was 
 evidently a clergyman, and of that class, too, whicii 
 commends itself to our affection by its total cxcmptiou 
 from party badges of any kind. He was attired neither 
 in the distinctive dress of the High, nor Low Church 
 party, but habited like a parson of the old school. His 
 manner and genera) appearance indicated the gentlo 
 man, while his placid countenance and expansive fore- 
 head exhibited at once benevolence and intelligence. lie 
 looked like an ingenuous and simple-minded man, clever, 
 but not acute ; a man of God, but not a man of the 
 world : in short, it was impossible to look upon him 
 without seeing who and what he was. 
 
 *Is it the cholera. Madam?' said he, in great 
 alarm ; ' what is the cause of this sad and sudden 
 mortality ? ' 
 
 'Frost,' replied the lady, who seemed to think her 
 companion was not quite sane. * Frost, sir; it has ruined 
 the gardens for the year. Even the chi-ysanthemums 
 are all injured.' 
 
 'Oh,' ho said, with great apparent relief, 'is that 
 all?' 
 
 ' You would not say that, sir, if you were fond of a 
 flower garden. I cannot conceive a greater infliction in 
 its way. After you have spent all the winter and spring 
 in planning out your garden, arranging the edgings, 
 inventing ribbons, producing effects, and harmony of 
 colours, having worried through the labours of planting 
 out, and settled which are to occupy the same bed' — 
 here a slight smile passed over his reverence's face, as 
 if he was amused at her excitement, or her phraseology; 
 
THE LIVING AKD THE DEAD. 
 
 233 
 
 but ho instantly repressed it, and slic proceeded witliout 
 noticing it — ' havin«j^ fought and conquered your ^^-ar- 
 (Icuer, vanquished shig's, overcome drought, checked 
 tlirips and caterpillars, removed the dead and dying*, 
 imd supplied their places, producing thereby a blazt; of 
 bounty; after having satisfied your ov;n critical taste, 
 and astonished and delighted your friends, to find on 
 waking some fine sunshiny morning, that a frost, like 
 that of last night, had destroyed it. Oh, sir, you 
 wouldn't say, " is that all?" It precipitates the winter: 
 it is sudden death. Dying, falling leaves arc enough to 
 try the patience of any floriculturist in the "world. 
 Sweep, sweep, sweep, and still the lawn is untidy ; 
 every puff of wind scatters them like flakes of snow ; 
 but that,' — she remarked, with a supercilious toss of her 
 liead, which showed that she had not forgotten his 
 exclamation, ' is that all ' — ' but that, I suppose, you 
 will say, is the order of nature, and if they add to our 
 labours, their variegated hues, ere they fall, contribute 
 also to the beauty of the scene. But, sir, an early and 
 unexpected frost, like that w^e have just experienced, 
 brings death and destruction to plants, and is indeed a 
 calamity that requires a large stock of philosophy to 
 boar.' 
 
 ' I can easily understand your feelings, madam,' said 
 licr clerical friend, ' for 1 am very fond of gardening 
 myself ; it is an innocent, an interesting, and instructive 
 ])ursuit. When you spoke of Lord Polebury being 
 dead, and Lady Middleton m extremis, I took it literally, 
 and not in ref^^rence to geraniums and verbenas. I beg 
 your pardon for the mistake; but at the time I was 
 thinldng of something else, and the suddenness of the 
 remark, though not addi'cssed to me, startled mc ; for his 
 Lordship, though deficient in judgment, means well, and 
 is, I believe, a very good man. His zeal is without 
 knowledge, and not always tempered with discretion ; 
 but his energies are directed to laudable objects, and he 
 would be a serious loss to the country.' He then dis- 
 cussed the respective merits of all the varieties of roses, 
 calceolarias, dahlias, (S:c., iScc, in a manner that showcxi 
 
 1." 
 
 
231 
 
 Tlin SEASOX-TICKET. 
 
 luMvas qnito a mastor of tlio subjoct. * Yes,' ho Raid, 
 
 * 1 can well syiii|)!illii/o witli you, madam, in tluMlcstnic- 
 tioii oc(;asion(!(l by llu; frost <;' last ni^lit; but it is ciii- 
 bk-matical of that death which terminates all our fondest 
 hopcH and dearest ai'fections. Everythin*^ reminds ua of 
 this invariable; hiw of nature, whether it be gradual 
 decay or 8udd(wi destruction,' 
 
 *0h, yes,' she said, 'we know that; but still it is no 
 less vexatious. I lost all my wall-fruit this sprinp;' by a 
 late frost, and now our flowers are all destroyed by an 
 (>arly one. It is very easy to say " is that all 1" but you 
 little know the truth of your statement. *' It is all," fruit 
 and flowers together ; what is there left worth haviug, 
 when you are deprived of both. ? and you must excuse 
 me for saying it is not the law of nature; if it Avas, we 
 sliould provide against it, or submit to it with patience. 
 It is an unexpected irregularity that makes it so vexa- 
 tious." 
 
 lie bowed civilly to her, but went on, without replying 
 to her testy observations — * The laws of the seasons .are 
 not immutable ; and yet there is no reason, because all 
 is transitory here below, why we should not interest 
 ourselves in everything around us. The ganlen survivi^s 
 many more active pursuits, and furnishes occupation and 
 amusement at a period of life when excitement ceases 
 to minister to our pleasures. Flowers are the gift of 
 God ; and His infinite wisdom, goodness, and power, arc 
 as discernible in them as in the stars that glitter in the 
 firmament — they both delight and instruct us. In their 
 fragrance and beauty, they are emblems of purity, and 
 in their decay and vernal reappearance, they are typical 
 of a resun'cction. It is a conviction of this nature that 
 has induced mankind from the earliest period to plant 
 them on the graves of their departed friends.' 
 
 'Then,' said the lady, pointing to the cemetery at 
 Woking, with a mingled feeling of pique and civility, 
 
 * that place, I should suppose, is one that would excite 
 the most agreeable and tender thoughts in your mind.' 
 
 ' No,' he said, ' I approve of it, but I do not admire it. 
 It is a necessary provision for the relief of a metropoli3 
 
 I 
 
THE LIVING AND THE PKAD. 
 
 235 
 
 like London, or any otlior lar;j,\; city, f<M* indMmnral 
 liiirials are found to bn (IcstructiN'c of hoaltli; hut tlicy 
 fail to attract uh lik(« tlio old rural cliurcliyards to ^vlli(■h 
 we and our forcfathors liavo Ix^cn accustomed. Tlio 
 \\\\)\v. you decorate tlieni, tluMuore repulsive tliey become. 
 1(;U'(! exotic trees, and shrubs, f:;ny flowers, and tlie tricks 
 of landscape p^'ardeninj^ are not in ke('[)injj;' with tiio 
 place. Wo for<^et that wc are wandering: throufj^-h the 
 city c)f the dead, the last resting-place of mortality; and 
 yet there is S(nncthin<:^ in the tombs, urns, and tablets 
 around us, that destroys the illusion of ornamental plea- 
 sure-grounds. It is neither a burial-place nor a <^arden : 
 it is too g-ay and smiling' for the one, and too lonely and 
 inclancholy for the other. Our reflections are diverted 
 ly the gaudy parterres, and our enjoyments di^stroyed 
 liy the mementoes of death. ]5ridal flowers decorate 
 the tomb; and headstones, with learned or nistic inscrip- 
 tions, label the rhododendrons and azaleas. Theso 
 OMiieterie*:! are in most cases too distant to be visited by 
 tl relations and friends of the poor; and in all coun- 
 tries the affections of the heart are more intense and 
 more durable where the soil is not sufficiently rich to 
 force up luxuriant weeds to choke their growth. In the 
 ^n'eat estuary of an overgrown city like London, men 
 are drawn into the vortex of a whirlpool, in wdiich they 
 disappear, and arc forgotten for ever. People arc too 
 busy to think, and where there is no reflection there is 
 no feeling. The grave receives the body, and the 
 cemetery engulfs the grave. Death is an incident — 
 food and shelter, a necessity. Grief is, therefore, a 
 luxury that is denied to poverty. All are in the current 
 at the same time, and self-preservation leaves but little 
 opportunity to watch the struggles or disappearance of 
 otliers. No ; the cemetery has no attraction for me. 
 Its gaudy decorations are not in keeping, and do not 
 harmonize with a widow's weeds, or the mourning of 
 orphans or parents. But there is something in the dear 
 old rural churchyard that has an indescribable effect on 
 me. My earliest recollections are connected with it ; my 
 thoughtless childhood was first awakened to a sense 
 
 » 
 
 iH< 
 
 
 \ »■ 
 
 I. 
 
 •!» 
 
 f. 
 
236 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 In I 
 
 of mortality by tho mournful processions iliat repaired 
 tliitlicr, and tho sad and lonely visits of those, who, ])!■- 
 reavcd of their relatives, poured forth their sorrows and 
 affections over the graves of those they had loved so 
 Avell. The cliurehyard has a moral effect on the mind; 
 it sug-^ests to us tlic frail and uncertain tenure of our 
 own lives ; it bids us prepare to follow our deparl('(l 
 friends, to emulate their virtues, and to fix our lio})('s cu 
 a reunion in a ])ettcr and a happier w^orld. It is, besides, 
 llic gToeting-place of the villagers and parishioners, 
 where their mutual afflictions receive mutual symi)atliy, 
 where the voice of discord is unknown, and "tlie siiort 
 and simple annals of the poor" arc registered vi tin. 
 memory of those who will deliver them as tn.ditior.s 
 in succeeding generations. The place has a holy and a 
 salutary influence that prepares the congregation for en- 
 tering the sacred edifice, in which as children they were 
 brought to the baptismal font, and made members of tin; 
 Church of God. All these incidents and accessories of 
 a rustic churchyard do not exist in a cemetery. The 
 " Dead Train " at once distracts your attention and 
 appals you, as an evidence of great mortality. Tiie 
 number of corpses, like those on a battle-licdd, attest 
 the awful contest between life and death that con- 
 tinually rages in the city ; but the heart becomes hard- 
 ened by the daily spectacle, and the gaudy appearance 
 of tho place withdraws your attention from tlic moral 
 it should suggest. Grief seeks seclusion ; and though it 
 may be alleviated by the presence and affectionate sym- 
 j)athy of sorrowing friends, it instinctively shrinka 
 from the public gaze. 
 
 * Tho speed of a railway is so unlike the slow and 
 measured tread of the rustic procession, one cannot but, 
 feel that it bears +00 strong a resemblance to the ordi- 
 nary business of life ; while the short and hurried sepul- 
 ture, and the rajml departure of the moiu'ners, gives tho 
 affair more the a})pearance of the emharhation., than the 
 burial of a relative. The graves are seldom visited again 
 • — time and expense, in most instances, deprive the jtoor 
 uf even this sad cousolation — and they arc compelled to 
 
 ■-P-3 
 
THE LIVING AND THE DEAD, 
 
 2.37 
 
 jcssorics ol 
 
 rc;^ard tho loss of a doccasod fiicnd in tlio light of one 
 wlio lies buried in a foreign land. As I have bcfe'*"; 
 Fuid, the affections of the poor are more intense and 
 more durable than those of the rich, because they are 
 more dependent upon each other. They have but few 
 to love them, and of those few not on© can be spared, 
 ^vithout the rupture of many ties. These distant ceme- 
 teries are grievous affairs to them, I assure you, and it 
 is or^y those who, like myself, have ministen^l among 
 them, that can fully comprcliend and enter into tljeir 
 feelings.' 
 
 All this was said with a simple earnestness and mild- 
 ness of manner that showed how habitual such tlioughts 
 were to his mind, how little accustomed he was to 
 travelling, and to the desultory conversation or con- 
 strained silence of railway passengers. The ladies who 
 had been so impatient and excited by the account of th(» 
 destruction of the garden the previous evening, now 
 listened with deep interest to those observations of tlic 
 old clergyman, who, by the softness and sweetness of 
 liis voice, and his unaffected and winning demeanour, 
 liad interested us all in his favour. 
 
 * I never considered the subject in that liglit,' said the 
 old lad3^ ' We know that th(i increased and increashig 
 population of large towns demand the formation of 
 cemeteries; but still it does appear to me that the 
 decoration of them is well suited t<> the object for which 
 they arc formed; they cannot be viewed without a 
 certain degree of approval — they evince, at least, a 
 respect for the dead ; but as you say, much of the salu- 
 tary effect of the churchyard is lost. The graves arc 
 yn numerous that individuality is as much d(,'stroyed as 
 it is in the crowds of the metropohs; the moral, as you 
 justly observe, is gone.' 
 
 ' Talking of the "moral," madam,' he inquired, 'were 
 you ever in the churchyard of Montgomciy, in Norlli 
 Wales? or were you acquainted with the rector of the 
 adjoining' parish, the Reverend IMr. Pryce?' 
 
 'No,' she said, I never was in Montgomery; ]»ut I 
 hud the plcasiu'c of knowing the gentleman to whom 
 
 
238 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 you allude. lie was a remarkably clever, wcll-infon-nod 
 person, and one of the most striking and effective 
 preachers I ever met with. Poor man ! he is now dead, 
 and I am not acquamtud with even the name of liitJ 
 successor.'* 
 
 * Yes,' continued the clergyman, * he was a man of 
 rare endowments ; he was an old college chum of mine. 
 If you were intimate with him, madam, he may, jjci- 
 liaps, have told you the remarkable story of the "Kobbei's 
 Grave.'" 
 
 ' No,' said the lady, * I never heard it ; would you be 
 obliging enough to relate it to me V 
 
 Bowing assent, the clergyman proceeded: — 'In tlic 
 year 1819 there was, in the neighbourhood of Mont- 
 gomery, an ancient manor-house, called Oakficld, which, 
 hke many of those old structures, losing its oi'iginal im- 
 portance from the increased size and convenience of 
 modern buildings, had been converted into a farui-house. 
 The late occupant, one James Morris, had been an 
 indolent and somewhat dissipated man ; the farm conse- 
 quently fell into neglect, and became unprofitable, and 
 he died in debt, leaving his wife and an only daughter 
 in possession of the place. Shortly after his death, tlie 
 widow took into her em.ployment a young man from 
 Staffordshire, of the name of John Newton, the hero of 
 this little story, who had been strongly recommended to 
 her by her brother; and well and faithfully did he 
 discharge his duties as baiUff, fully justifying the praise 
 ami recommendations she received with him. lie was 
 an utter stranger in that part of the country, seemed 
 studiously to shun all acquaintance with his neighbours, 
 and to devote himself exclusively to the interests of his 
 employer. He never left home but to visit the ne.gh- 
 bouring fairs and markets, and to attend the parish 
 cliurch, where his presence was regular, and his conduct 
 devout. In short, though highly circumspect in his 
 behaviour on all occasions, ho was a melantlioly, ro- 
 
 * The Eov. Mr. Pryce furnished the author with these riarticularsj 
 ftud some further details^ which are too minute for inscrtiou. 
 
THE LIVING A:> > THE DEAD. 
 
 230 
 
 Borvcd man ; and even the clergyman of the parish, to 
 whom he was always most respectful in his demeanour, 
 entirely failed in his endeavours to cultivate an acquaint- 
 ance with him. The farm, under his management, had 
 improved, and become profitable ; and the circumstances 
 of Mrs. Morris were, by his assiduity and skill, botli 
 prosperous and flourishing. In this manner more than 
 two years had passed, and the widow began to regard 
 liini more as a friend and benefactor than a servant, and 
 was not sorry to observe her daughter's growing affec- 
 tion for him, which appeared to be reciprocal. One 
 evening in November, 1821, being detained longer than 
 usual by business at Welshpool, Newton set out about 
 six o'clock on his return to Uakfield. It was an exceed- 
 ingly dark night, and he never reached home again. 
 The family became very anxious, and upon inquiring 
 early the following morning at Welshpool, they ascer- 
 tained that he had been brought back to that town, not 
 lung after his departure from it, by two men, named 
 Parker and Pearce, who charged him with highway 
 robbery, accompanied by violence, an offence then 
 punishable with death. At the trial at the next assizes 
 he was pronounced guilty, on the testimony of these 
 two persons, which was clear, positive, and consistent 
 throughout, was sentenced to be hanged, and left for 
 execution. He employed no counsel, and called no wit- 
 nesses in his defence; but upon being asked by tho 
 judge, in the usual form, " if he had anything to say 
 why sentence of death should not be passed upon him'/'* 
 he made hi substance the following extraordinary 
 speech : — " My lord, it is evident all I could say in ojipo- 
 Fition to such testimony would be vain and hopeless. 
 The witnesses arc me'i of respectabihty, and their evi- 
 dence has appeared plain and conclusive, and my most 
 solemn protestations of innocence could avail me nothing. 
 I have called no witnesses to character, and upon sucli 
 evidence the jury could pronounce no other verdict. I 
 blame them not. From my soul, too, I forgive those 
 men, upon whoso false testimony I have been convicted. 
 But, my lord, I protest most solemnly before tliis court, 
 
 
 1 
 
 «l 
 
 til 
 
240 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKET. 
 
 J 
 
 s 
 
 i 
 
 
 * 
 
 H 
 
 
 before your lordsliip, and above all before that God in 
 whose i)reseiice I must shortly appear, that I am eutirelv 
 guiltless of the crime for which I am about to suffer. I 
 have produced uo one to speak in my behalf. Two 
 years have scarcely passed since I came into this country 
 an utter stranger. I have made no acquaintance hero 
 beyond the household in which I have been cm[)loyo(l, 
 and where I have endeavoured to discharge my duties 
 faithfully and honestly. Although I dare not hope, and 
 do not wish that my life should be spared, yet it :« my 
 devout and earnest desire that the stain of this crinu> 
 may not rest upon my name. I devoutly hope that my 
 good mistress, and her kind and excellent daughter, 
 may yet be convinced that they have not nourished aiul 
 befriended a highway robber. I have, therefore, in 
 humble devotion, offered a prayer to heaven, and I be- 
 lieve it has been heard and accepted. I venture to 
 assert that, if I am innocent of the crime for which I 
 suffer, the grass, for one generation at least, will not 
 cover my grave. My lord, I await your sentence with- 
 out a murmur, without a sorrow, and I devoutly pray 
 that all who hear me now may repent of their sins, and 
 meet me again in heaven." 
 
 ' The unfortunate man was condemned and executed, 
 and was buried in Montgomery churchyard. Thirtt/ years 
 had i)assed away when I saw it, in company with poor 
 Eliot Warburton, and the grass had not then covered his 
 fjrave. It is situated in a remote corner of the church- 
 yard, far removed from all other graves. It is not a 
 raised mound of earth, but is even with the suiTOunding 
 ground, which is, for some distance, especially luxuriant, 
 tlie herbage being rich and abundant. Numerous at- 
 tempts have, from time to time, been made by some who 
 are still alive, and others who have passed away, to 
 l)ring grass upon that bare spot. Fresh soil has been 
 frequently spread upon it, and seeds of various kinds 
 have been sown, but not a blade had there ever been 
 known to spring from them, arid the soil soon became a 
 smooth, cold, and stubborn clay. AVith respect to the 
 unhappy witnesses, it appears that Parker's ancestors 
 
THE LIVING AND lilE DEAD. 
 
 241 
 
 had once owned Oakficld, and that, lie had hoped, by 
 G'cUinp; rid of Newton, to remove the main obstacle 
 there Avas to his repossessinp; it, and that Pearce had, 
 at the time of Mr. Morris's death, aspired to the hand 
 of his dau,!:»-hter, in whose affections he felt he had 
 Ikhmi snpj)]antod by poor Newton. The former soon left 
 th(! nei,i;'hlK)nrhood, became a drnnken and dissolnte 
 in.'ui, and was nllimately killed in some limeworks while 
 ill Ihe act of blastin.u;' a rock. Pearce g"rew snllen and 
 dispirited; his very existence seemed a burden to him, 
 and as the old Sexton of Mont.^'omery expressed it, "he 
 ■wasted away from the face of the earth."' 
 
 ' What a strange and interesting' story, sir,' said the 
 lady; 'do 3'ou know in what contUtion the grave now 
 is.^"' 
 
 ' I have not seen it,' he replied, ' since the period I 
 niontioned, whicli, 1 think, was in 1850 ; but I hiiv(; 
 JKNU'd that some person has since covennl it with thick 
 tiirf, which has nnited itself with the; snrronndin,^' grass, 
 (>xcei)t at tlie head, which is still withered and bare, as 
 if seorched with lightning. The prayer, however, of 
 poor Newton, that his grave might remain nncoveredfor 
 at least one generation, has been heard, and his memory 
 vindicated in a most rcinarkable manner. The name 
 given to the grave was singularly iiia])|)ropri[ite, it 
 t<hould have been called " the grave of the innocent." 
 Tiie widow, with her daughter, left Oakficld, and went to 
 ]'<>side with her brother. Vov some weeks after t)oor 
 Newton's burial, it is said his grave was from time to 
 time found strewed witli wild flowers, by an nnknown 
 hand. But it was observed that after Jane Morris had 
 left the neighbourliood, not a llower was found npon 
 it! 
 
 ' As I said before, poor Eliot Warburton went with us 
 to see it. He gazed nj^on that ban; spot with a 
 hallowed reverential emotion. AViiat sacred tlioughts 
 jiassed through his mind during' those few brief moments 
 1 c;annot tell. But he promised me he would, when he 
 next came into the neighbourhood, visit it again, and 
 write and pubhsh tlie story. INjor fclhjw, he came notj 
 
 u 
 
 •I 
 
 «• 
 
 ^ f , 
 
 I 
 
 f 
 
 '» „ J 
 
242 
 
 tHE SEASOK-TlCliET. 
 
 the rclcntloRR waves have cloRecl over him! What a 
 hoaiitiful niid alTectinj? story would the simple facts, 
 told by liiin, have ^iveii to the world! * 
 
 lie had luirdly concluded his narrative, ere we reached 
 Kinjj^stoii, where he took leave of us. 
 
 ' Aunty,' said one of the young ladies, * what a dear 
 old man that is ! did you ever hear a more interestiii<^ 
 story? I wonder what his name is! How could you 
 be so rude to him, when he misunderstood you about tlic 
 llowers? Couldn't we find out from the rector who he 
 is, and all about him? Do try, aunt.' 
 
 Jhit her entreaties were cut short, by the re-appearance 
 of Mr. Peabody, from another part of the train, who wjis 
 so (jonvulsed with laug-hter, ho could scarcely siieak. 
 T{d<iii^' the seat recently occupied by the ciero^ymau, he 
 bent forward, and striking his open hand on his knee 
 with great animation, he said : 
 
 ' I)y gum. Squire Shegog, we have had the greatest 
 bobbery of a shindy in our carriage you ever knowed in 
 all our born days. Did you here the hurrush ? ' 
 
 ' No,' I said, ' we heard nothing extraordinary here.' 
 
 * Well,' said he, ' the train was so crowded this 
 morning, that though I had a first-class ticket, I had to 
 ])ut u[) with a seat in the second, or be left bel'nd. 
 We got rid of all those that were in our box at Win- 
 chester, but two — one was a thin, pale, student-looking- 
 chap, Avho, if he hadn't seen his best days, wasn't like 
 to find them here below at all. He was an inoffensive 
 kind of a feller that Avouldn't sav boo to a croose — tlui 
 other was a cap sheaf critter, that thought himself a 
 beauty Avithout paint, and Avas bettor and finer than IiIm 
 neighbours. He had a beard that Avouldn't acknoAv- 
 ledge the corn to no man's, and the Avay it Avas bear- 
 greased, or iled, or Cologned, or musked, or Avhat not, 
 was a caution to a tar-brush. EA^ry noAV and then he 
 xissed the thumb and forefinger of his right hand over 
 lis lips as if to giA^e room for shoAvhig his teeth to 
 advantage ; and, I must say, his mug resembled a Skyo 
 terrier's as near as could be, Avhilo a pair of little ferret 
 eyes Avatched OA'cr all as if they Avere guarding his 
 
 1 
 
THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 
 
 243 
 
 precious anointed face. Well, what does I do, but 
 take out my cigar case, and make preparation for 
 smoking, in that cool way, you know, that nobody 
 but us, Yankees, can do. Sals I to the invalid, " Have 
 you any objection to smoking ? " " No," sais he, " I 
 rather like the flavour of a good Havannah." Well, 
 if he had said no, I'd have given up, for I scorn to 
 take advantage of helpless people like women, niggers, 
 and hospital folks. Then I turned to Skye, "have 
 you any objection?" sais I. "Most decidedly," he 
 said. "Well, I know some does dislike it," sais I, 
 and I struck a light and began to smoke. "Didn't I 
 tell you I objected to it?" sais he. "You did." 
 "Then why do you persist in such an indecent 
 manner?" "Because," sais I, "I never could bear 
 parfumes, they make me faint; and your beard is so 
 scented, I am obhged to use tobacco in self-defence. 
 If you will stick your beard out of the window on 
 that side, and let the breeze sweep away its horrid 
 smell, I'll put my head out of the one on this side, 
 and let the odoriferous smoke go clear." " If you 
 don't take that cigar out of your mouth," sais he, 
 '* ril take it out for you." " My friend," sais I, " (oh ! 
 how that horrid perfume chokes me), before you go to 
 try that game, recollect two can play at it. Look at 
 me, and take my measure, and See if I am a man that 
 you can handle (phew ! what is that tarnal scent you 
 have about your pendablc ? it beats all natur.) " " VVo 
 shall settle this," he said, " when the train stops, I 
 have no idea of being insulted in this way." "Nor 
 I cither," sais I ; " I have paid for a seat in the first- 
 class, where gentlemen go, and here I am thrust into 
 this second-rate carriage along with a man that looks 
 for all the world as if he had just escaped from his 
 keeper." Seeing bullying was no go, he put on his 
 cap, folded his arms, shut his eyes for fear the smoke 
 would make them look more bloodshot than they were 
 by nature, pressed his lips together as tight as if he 
 had put an hydrauHc screw on 'em, and composed himself 
 for a nap. When we got to Basingstoke (wasn't that 
 
 B 2 
 
 411 
 
 i# 
 
 1)1 J' 
 
 •*« 
 
214 
 
 TIIK SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 n r 
 
 '. <i 
 
 the name of the last i)lacc?) ho and the pah^-fart^ 
 man were both fast asleep, so I slips out quielly and 
 g-ets into the next division of the carriage. Artei' a 
 ■wdiile, I peeps over the ])ack, and seeing" they were still 
 in the Land of Nod, I lights a Vesuvius match, pitched 
 it through the division, hi it fall on his beard, and then 
 dodged down again and told the people in my carriage 
 what I had done, and why I did it, and they all entered 
 into the joke as good-natured as you please. In less 
 than half no time, 1 heard an awful row between the two 
 1 had left in the next division ; both were singing out 
 murder at the top end of their voices. Skye terrier 
 woke up, feeling the frizzleing his beard, and thonglit 
 *tother lellow had been tryhi to cut his throat, so lie 
 yelled out murder, made a spring at sick man, caught 
 him by the neckcloth, and iiearly choked him, wliile 
 invalid thinking he was mad, and expecting to Ik- 
 kilU^d right off, squeaked out murder too. There they 
 were, like two dogs, standin on their hind legs, 
 showin' their teeth, snarUn*, snappin', and biting like 
 all possessed. 
 
 ' " Your beard is afire," said Paleface. " It was you 
 that did it, then," said Skye. "No, it warn't," said 1, 
 looking over the division that separated us, "it's spon- 
 taneous combustion. The spirit of tlie Cologne has set the 
 bear's grease in a flame, shut your mouth, or it will 
 burn your innerds. Here's my Arkansas toothpick, 
 stranger, give Skj^c a dig in the ribs with it, or he'll ho 
 the death of you. No, stand on one side, I'll give; him 
 a shot with my revolver, he is as mad as a polar bear 
 dancin on hot iron. I knew he was crazy when I fust 
 see'd him, he's dodged his keeper, and sHpt out of an 
 asj'lum. Creation ! Man, says I to Skye, why don't 
 A'ou put out the fire that's frizzlin your beard ? You 
 look for all tiie world like a pig that's gettin his bristles 
 singed off." Then we all set up a great shout at him, 
 and even Paleface laughed. 
 
 * When we stopped at the statioti, he charged me 
 with smolving, and invalid with setting tire to hini ; but 
 we both agr ,»cd and affirmed he was an escaped lunatic, 
 
THE LIVINO AND THE DEAD. 
 
 245 
 
 niid ovorybody larfcd lik(^ any tliiiifi', and thoro -wc l<^ft 
 liiiii, lookiii liko a cantion to a slng'(:<l cat. If ho warn't 
 ii madman, wlion Ik; camo hilo tlio carria^a-, I'll bo 
 lian^cd it" lu; didn't lavo like ono. whon ho loft it. AVliy 
 oil airth can't poopk* g'o through lifo like sonsibli' folks/ 
 Tho v()yag'(i wo havo to niako is soon ovcm* ; wliy not 
 lay in a larg'o stock of good-humour, pationco, and 
 al>ovo all, consiiloration for tho othor passong'ors f 
 Stonns, tom])csts, accidents, and what nof, will occur 
 ill spite of us ; but why not enjoy iino weather, fair 
 winds, and tho fellowship of others, when we can ? 
 
 'That's my philosopliy at any rate. It's no uso for 
 folks to stick themselves up above their fellow-travellors. 
 liigli peaks are covered wiih ice ai/.l snow, and are 
 everlasting- cold. But tho g'lades that lie at tho foot of 
 llic mountains, bear grapes, and produce orang'os, lig's, 
 and all manner of pleasant fruits. Them that like to 
 go up, and soar aloft with tho cag;les an*' vultures, are 
 welcome to their cold perch and their grand views ; 
 but give me the brook and tho valley, and the hap})y 
 and goiiial folks that inhabit tho lowlands.' 
 
 ' A very })retty idea,' said one of the nieces. 
 
 'And a very charming young lady that says rd/ ro* 
 ]>lied Peabody. 
 
 ' Tickets, if you ]jleaRO.' 
 
 Wc all know what that means. The journey is over. 
 
 ti : 
 
 Mtiu 
 
 4 
 
/ Jf ill WO I 
 
 246 
 
 THE SEASON-TICICET. 
 
 No. X. 
 
 tt i 
 
 I \ 
 
 
 THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR; OR, QUAKERS AFLOAT 
 
 AND ASHORE. 
 
 After clininp; at the Britisli Hotel, I sanntcrod as usual 
 into the snioking'-room, where I f(^uiul tlio Senator, 
 ]\rr. Pcabody, and many others, whom it was difli- 
 cult to disting-uish in the fragrant cloud that TiIUmI tlio 
 apartment. *Well, Mr. Shegog,' said the Senator to 
 me, ' the old and the new year are now about to shako 
 hands together, as the Lord Mayor and his successor 
 did on the 9 th of November last. The former abdicated 
 the throne, after a brief tenure of office, and surrendered 
 his mace and insignia to the new incumbent. Both he 
 and his pageantry have passed away, and are already 
 forgotten. His court, and his parasites alone remain, 
 and they are transferred to the new magnate, who in 
 his turn will play his part as civic sovereign, and in 
 twelve short months retire and be lost among the 
 crowd who have " passed the chair." What a picture of 
 hfe is this ! At his official dinners, like those of royalty, 
 are to be found ministers of state, foreign ambassadors, 
 chancellors, judges, commanders-in-chief of the army, 
 lords of the admiralty, ct hoc genus omne. The guests 
 praise and ridicule the possessor of power, as is their 
 wont, and as soon as he is functus officio pay the same 
 courteous, but insincere homage to his successor. An 
 ex-Lord Mayor and a dethroned king know how to esti- 
 mate mankind at their true value, better than any 
 other people in the world. Those who condescend to 
 accept the invitations, and receive the hospitalities of 
 the former, affect, as soon as he retires into private hfe, 
 to forget l3oth him and his name ; and those whom the 
 latter delighted to honour, while they retain the rank 
 
THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAH. 
 
 217 
 
 S AFLOAT 
 
 tJ iSc'ii.'itor, 
 was (lilli- 
 
 senator to 
 t to shako 
 successor 
 abdicated 
 urrendered 
 Both ho 
 re already 
 lie remain, 
 ie, who in 
 rn, and in 
 tiiong; the 
 picture of 
 )f royalty, 
 3assadors, 
 ;he army, 
 lie guests 
 ts is their 
 the same 
 5sor. An 
 ^ to csti- 
 than any 
 sscend to 
 ;alitics of 
 ■vate hfe, 
 ^hom the 
 the rank 
 
 Bnd titles lie conferred upon them, ascribe tlieir suc- 
 cess to their own merits, and feel that but little grati- 
 tude is duo for a mc^re act of justice. As the old year 
 was, 80 will be the new. There is a general siniiiarity 
 in thern all. One is marked by war, and another ]jy 
 peace : this by the death of a king, and that by the ac- 
 cession of an heir or an usurper, and both arc varied 
 by an irregular course of monetary or political pjinics— 
 strikes — reb(!llions in the east or west — reform bills, 
 n^'itators like O'Connell, Bright, Wat Tyler, and Smith 
 O'Brien ; shocking Irish assassinations, lamentable sui- 
 cides, or awful shipwrecks. What has been will occur 
 again annually.* 
 
 ' Zactly,' said Peabody, ' but that only happens in 
 Europe. We are more sensible in our great country. 
 Wliat turns up this year in England, don't happen in 
 the United States but once in four years ; an' the 
 things you have totted up as the incidents of the ])ast 
 twelve months, are mere by-play there, and give just 
 excitement enough to sl;ow that Jonathan is alive. 
 One administration it is true, follows another here, like 
 a Hock of geese, Indian file ; and folks think the nation 
 is getting ruined all the time. Now Derby is in, and 
 some say England is going to the bad, for he won't 
 give a vote to those he don't deem fit for it. Then 
 Palmerston succeeds him, and t'other side vows that he 
 will upset everything, for he will lower the franehiso 
 below what is safe, and increase the number of rej)re- 
 sontatives, so that no room in London will hold half of 
 tliem. Then some say that Lord John Russell, who 
 bids at a political auction (where long credit is given on 
 renewable paper), like a feller that has no real capital 
 to trade on, is going to destroy the constitution by 
 letting in just as many outsiders as will swamp all the 
 real estate in the kingdom, and to my mind they ain't far 
 out in their reckoning either. No man need tell me 
 after seeing him, that bleeding ain't good for the human 
 frame. That man's feelings are so tender, and his 
 innards arc so thin-skinned, his lieart has been bleeihug 
 without stopping for thirty years for the unrepresented 
 
 »*> 
 
 •• j| 
 
218 
 
 Tlin SEASON-TIC KHT. 
 
 mi 
 
 v\i\HH. It Wf)ul<l liavc burst its Ijoilcr loiio' a.<;-o, if tlmt 
 ]iiV'fi;i} Bulcty-vjilvc liiulii't Ixm'Ii lixod in Itiiii nn;;iii;illv 
 liurd jiiid fast. Wluit a woiidcrfiilly constniclcMl systciu 
 lu! must liav(.', for his licait to luivc BiiHtaiiiocl sucii a 
 coiitimicd drain of blood from it; and, groat as tlic 
 demand has l)0('n, th(? KUpply lias always been equal jo 
 it ! lie l<Kiks as well (iMdee(|, some folks say belter; 
 Ihan v-wv he did. 'J'iie tears also tiiat lie has shed over 
 Hiiiall boroughs, (^specially those of the Tories, wouM 
 aetilly lloat a river steamer; still thcM'e are; fellers who 
 Fay he is a dangerous and venturesome eritter, and that 
 lie is too small a man to wade into such troubled waters 
 as those of n^form. Then there is .John Bright, tli(? 
 (Quaker, everybody says that fellow is a republican, 
 double-dyed in the wool, and 1 beli(!ve hi; wcmld r(;volu- 
 t ionize this eountry if it wjirn't for his temi)er — Quakeis 
 liavc no means to let off the steam like other folks — 
 its agin their creed to fight. If you give one on 'em 
 a soek-dolager under tlu; ear, lu; is in duty bound to 
 turn round and say, "Try thy hand on the other side, 
 my friend will youV" They are nuule of the same stulT 
 as other folks, and have the same feelings and ])assions, 
 and commonly are a little grain stronger, too, from 
 l>eing temi)erat(; and keeping good hours (for that saves 
 both fire and candl(^s); but they have, in a general way, 
 to bite in their breath, and gulp down their rage; and 
 it nearly sets them hoppin', ravin', distracted mad. 1 
 have often expected to sec; them ex))lode, for they lia\'e 
 to look as calm and mild as if butter wouldn't melt; in 
 their mouths, and c;heeso wouldn't choke them. They 
 can't rehevo the pressure; by swearing either, which I 
 must say is a great privilege, for it's like a spoonful of 
 cold water thrown into a ma])le sugar kettle, it stops / 
 the bihn' over in a minute. Nothin' does an angry man- 
 so much good as that.* 
 
 ' Now, Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator, ' don't talJ 
 nonsense that way; you know I don't lik(^ to hear su(!'i 
 assertions; and more than that, you don't a})i»rove <( 
 that abominable ])ractice yourself. It is a shockirg 
 and disgusting habit; but, unlike must other ubjcc- 
 
 i 
 
 *«9e- 
 
THE OLD ASP TIIK NKW YTAn. 
 
 210 
 
 ti(iu:\l)l(' tliiny-H, it has not one rc(U?rmlni;' (|uality 
 alioiit it.' 
 
 '1 inn not ap|)n)vin^ of it,' Uo replied, ' as you well 
 know. I am only tallxin^- of it as a man of tlio ^voli(l; 
 liiit when you nay it lias no ono rodcomin^ quality 
 about it you ^o to tho otlier cxtivnic,' and iio «;-av(; iu(» 
 a sly wink, to intimate; that he was only drawing" his 
 friend out for his amusement. 'It does let tii<; steam 
 olT, that's a fact. Now, hot iron is not a redeeming* 
 tiling*, as you call it, and yet it is necessary to burn out 
 the j)yson of a snake. But for the matter of that, I 
 liavt; heard as g'ood a Quaker as ever you see, one of 
 the real Foxites (and there cf)uld not have been a better 
 f(»mid(M" for that sect than a Fox, for they arc as sly as 
 e'er a Kcynard that ever ch.'arcd a hen-roost), swear 
 like a IMississijtpi rowdy, make your hair stand on end, 
 {Uid stiffen it so, you could no more smooth it tiiiui a 
 ^rovc of pines. I liave, upon my soul.' 
 
 ^ Air. Peabody, idl I can say,' rejoined tlie Senator 
 (and li(» appeared by the emi)hatic way he nsvA tho 
 word Mider to intimate that he disap})roved of his stylo 
 of conversation), 'all I can say is, he nnist have been 
 an impostor and not a real member of the Friends, for a 
 more moral, discreet, and respectable s<'ct is not to Ik; 
 tound in our great nation. Although I differ from them 
 in their religious notions, I entertain tlu; highest opinion 
 of them, both individually and collect i^ely. So universal, 
 indeed, is this feeling among us, that Ui •■vincipled peoph; 
 'ilopt their dress and use their ])hraseolog'y for the jhu-- 
 jjoso of deception, knowing that, as a body, they are 
 men of great probity, and that the word of a (Quaker is 
 as good as his bond.' 
 
 ' Yes,' said Peabody ; ' but if his bond is no good, and 
 Ills word is equal to that, how much is his word worth ^ 
 Try it by tho Kulo of Three, and the answer is nil. 
 Now, were you acquainted with old Jacob Coflin, of 
 Nantucket, the great Avhaler? 
 
 ' I was,' said the Senator, 'and a more honourable^, 
 iil)right, and pious man was not to be found in tho 
 United States. I do not know any one that stood 
 
 n 
 
 11 
 
 .« f 
 
 % 
 
 
250 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 lii;^hcr in the eBtimation of the public, or of the Society 
 of which he was a mcml)cr and an honour.' 
 
 * Well,' said Pcabody, * the way he swore was a 
 caution to a New Orleans witness, and thoy can 
 swear through a nine-inch p^ank. I have hoard u 
 western stage-driver go iti and it isn't every ono 
 that can ditto him, I can tell you; well, he couM 
 afford to give them four moves a-head, and beat tlicm 
 both at their own game. I'll explain to you how 
 I found him out. A sailor, you know, always fancies 
 farming, for it is the natural occu})ation of man — 
 ploughing the deep turns his mind to plougiiiiej; 
 the land. He gets tired of the ocean artor u 
 while, and longs for terry finny, and he has visions 
 of a cottage with a nice verandah to walk in 
 
 in wet weather, or to enjoy his cigar, and a 
 Bi)lendiferous gall for a wife, with cheeks of wiiile 
 and red roses crushed on them — perfection of com- 
 plexion — in rig, a rael fore and after, and in lines a doll 
 of a chpper, all love and affection for old Whalebone to 
 splice with. Then he imagines a brook, with pasturc^s 
 leading down to it, and cows coming and asking to 1x5 
 milked, and four-year-old sheep turning up their great 
 heavy fat rumps to him to admire their mutton. Jie 
 indulges tho idea that he is to have a splendid avenue of 
 Pole beans from the front gate to the cottage, ant. his 
 bungalow, as he calls it (for he has been in the East 
 Indies), is to be covered with Virginia creei)er and the 
 nuiltiflora rose ; and he fancies an arbour in his garden 
 shaded with hops, where he can invite an old sea-sarpant 
 of a captain like himself, who has doubled Cape Horn 
 and the Cape of Good IIopo times without number, to 
 come and converse with him (which means sw.'ipping lies 
 and getting half drunk). Then he sees in the picture 
 he has drawn, some little harpooners such a^, he was 
 once himself, with rosy cheeks and curling locks hanging 
 down their backs (before the horrid quaker sheep-shears 
 clip them off), running about him, asking to sit on his 
 knee and listen to his yarns about the living Dutchman, 
 savages that eat naughty childi'en, the rivers of Jamaica 
 
TnE OLD AND THE NEW YEAH. 
 
 251 
 
 that are all pure rum, and the hills that arc real clariHocl 
 white sugar. Then ho prides himself on the notion that 
 ho is to astonish his neighbours, that he is to have a 
 phecp or two in the pasture from the Cape, with tails so 
 heavy that they will require a little pair of wheels to 
 carry them, a Brahmin cow that gives no milk, a Thibet 
 goat whose fleece is something between wool, cctton, 
 silk, and hair, and a Lapland deer that the natives uso 
 to draw their sleighs with, while the hall of his bun- 
 galow is to be decorated -with stuffed birds, beautiful 
 conch shells, Chinese idols. South Sea weajions, and 
 foreign pipes of all sorts, sizes, and tubes. AVell, Jacol) 
 Coffin used to keep himself warm, w^hen his ship was 
 frozen up in the north, a-thinking of this ideal gall and 
 all this castle building, and arter coming home with 
 a'most a noble cargo of sperm ile and whalebone, and 
 feeling rich and sponsible, and able to carry out his 
 plans, he puts his affairs into a shipbroker's hands, and 
 off he goes full chisel on a courtin tri[) to rhiladel[)hia, 
 (Pennsylvania, you know, is the head-quarters of the 
 Friends, tho* some on 'em arc what we call wet Quakers, 
 too ; that is, not overly strict about dress,) and he picks 
 out a'most a heavenly splice, and marries her right off 
 the reel. She was too young for him. by a long ch.'ilk, 
 but he consaitcd he warn't too old for her, a mistake 
 elderly gents often make ; and this I will say, a more 
 angeleferous critter was not to be found in all the uni- 
 versal United States. No, not even in Connecticut itself, 
 which is famed all over the world for its galls and its 
 pumpkins. Lick, warn't she a whole team aTid a horse 
 to spare, making a man's heart beat so to look iit her, 
 as to bust his waiscoat buttons off. Oh, Jerusalem, 
 what perfection of female beauty she was ! You could 
 have tracked her all the way from riiiladclplua to Njin- 
 tucket, for everybody was t.ilking of the beautiful 
 blooming Quakeress that old D(!ad Eyes the Whahn- had 
 married. Well, as soon as ho got home, he bought a 
 farm, and built his bungalow, and reahzed the visions 
 tliat had haunted him during many a long voyage, and 
 many a long night on the ocean. Well, tilings all went 
 
 
 
 ■*» 
 
')•;•') 
 
 ^O-^ 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 \ \ 
 
 on smooth and comfort aMc as far as tlio world cinild soo. 
 y'A\(.i developed into a still luiudsomer woiikui, iiniil sli(» 
 grew into uii aii.^-el a'most ; and ho <^iv\v pr()U(l(r and 
 more pompons than ever, only folks thought he was; 
 more strict and m(jre rigid, and a little g-rain Grosser. 
 He looked as sweet as ever tho', when he showed ia 
 pnblic; but even sweet cider Avill ferment and tnrn so 
 hard yon have to hold yonr hrc^ath while you swallei- it, 
 for fear it wonld cut yonrihroat. AVell, what onder tin; 
 snn is the use of dreams, for in a j^enend way tliey 
 certainly do p,'0 by contra i-'ies ; at all events, it was so 
 with Jacob Collin. The verandah he expected to have 
 enjoyed so mnch was built of gTceu wood, and shrunk 
 so like old Scratch, it leaked like a sieve, and he couMn't 
 make no use of it in wet weather ; the scarlet-rnnners 
 oidy took to ruimin' wIkmi the heat of summer was over; 
 the hoj)-arbour was so damp it ^'ave him the ag-ne, and 
 lie couldn't sit in it; tlu; roses and Virginia cree|)('r 
 harboured ice, lice, and mice, and turned out a re-'-ular- 
 
 built 
 
 •hile h 
 
 ibo 
 
 doii's killed his C; 
 
 t nuisance ; wmie nis neigiioour s uog's KUied nis Lape 
 sheep, and the Lapland deer jnmp'd the fence and raced 
 off due north, for them and wild geese know the ])()iiils 
 of comjiass, by nateral instinct ; th(^ lirahmin cow had 
 to be shot, for it had killed one of his children ; the 
 bro(^k took it into its head to rebel, burst its bounds, 
 and lloated off his hay and oats, and all his little water- 
 wheels for turning his grindstone, churning his ])ntter, 
 and so on; and his four-year-old wethers were stolen 
 by the steward of a New York coaster that put in there 
 for shelter. There was no oend to his troubles. His 
 young harpooner during his absence made jilaythings of 
 liis idols, stuffed birds, and other trophies ; his wi'"e had 
 the ague when ho got home, and was so cold slu^ did 
 uothhig but shiver and chattcn*; and he was so cross- 
 grained and unkind to Ium', she gave up her the(?'s and 
 thou's," ami took to calling him an old (jlram})us, a 
 spouting-whal(>, a ])lack fish, a solan goose, and a 
 boatswain bird, with a marliu spike stuck into him 
 behind instead of a tail. Tho last time he returned 
 from Baiilln's r)ay he found the young (],uakeress had 
 
 'i 
 
 *#• 
 
TtTFv OLD AND THE NEW YEATT. 
 
 2.')n 
 
 o-r)nc on a voyap,'c of discovery on licr own hook. Slio 
 was on the boards at N(;w Orleans, and had chan^-ed Ikt 
 name ccnd for (UMid from Cotlin to Madam Fincoff ; slic 
 was tlio star of the sonth ('And deserved tlie tY/vy^cs' 
 wiid the Senator, sternly). Well, old Jacob had to jl;u1i) 
 all this down, for he was a Quaker ns/torc then. If he 
 had be(Mi to s(,'a at the time, depcr-d n|)on it he would 
 have rippod out some words that ain't easy to translate 
 into En,<;-lish, 1 can tell 3'ou. I can't say I pitied old 
 Droadbrim much either, fin* yonth is yonth, and aj^e is 
 a.i;'e, and they don't harmonize well to;a;ethcr in matri- 
 mony. Youth has its i)leasnres as well as its duties ; 
 hut aire don'f 
 
 symji 
 
 V 
 
 It wants to nud\e it consider duty a ])leasnre ; ajid that 
 ain't in the nalur of thing's to unite them in one. J)uty 
 lirst and })l('asure after ; or, pleasure first and duty after, 
 just as yon like. Jhit coiuu what will, relaxation and 
 recreation must be allowc^d. Quakers, like Jacob Coflin, 
 think women W(>f(j luade for them, and them only, and 
 not for themselves at all. Now, Eve was made not to 
 work for Adam, because thin.u's ^-rew spontanaceously 
 in their garden, but to keep him company and to talk to 
 him; and if then; was anythin,!;* to do, di'pend u|)on it 
 sIk; coaxed or smiled, or cried or ^\*orried him into it. It 
 was '* A(him put the kettle on" in those days, and not 
 '• l*olly," as in onr tiuie. She had a tongue given h(>r 
 for the special purpose of beguiling his weary hours 
 with chat, and owv. that could lubricat(i itself, and go on 
 for ever without stopping. Now, Jacob ought to have 
 thought of this b(>fore he married that gall. IJe migiit 
 have known if yon put a young colt into a stall, tie it 
 n)) and feed it thens llrst its fetlocks take to sweliin', 
 and then its legs, and then its aj)petite goes, and it pines 
 away to a skeleton. Yon must turn it out to grass, and 
 let it kick njtits heels. It is iniiocent play natur intends 
 for it. lie ought to have bornc^ in mind what that poor 
 ihing had to endure, that knc^w she was the qneen of 
 beauty and the (piecn of hearts too, store(l up in such 
 an outlandish ]»lace as that. If he had had a lieart in 
 liim, he might have recollected that he iiad trans|ilaiited 
 
254 
 
 THE SEASOS'-TICKET. 
 
 k 
 
 that bloomln' rose troc from the Kunny banks of the 
 Dclcwarc, into tho cold soil and oncon«;enial climate of 
 Nantucket; that ho left her alone there six moiiliis in 
 the year to pine like a bird in a cage, or to flutter 
 against its bars, in a place, too, where she only saw 
 snuffy old olive-coloured men, or drabby, grubby, 
 weather-beaten old women — broad-brimmed ongainly 
 hats, or horrid old poke bonnets, only fii, for cats to 
 kitten in, and where she heard nothen but the price of 
 sperm or whalebone, or sugar or molasses, or the degene- 
 racy of the age, and the idleness of the maidens. 
 That if she went into the town, she was nearly pysoned 
 by the crew of some newly-arrived whaler, whose clotlics 
 and yeller cotton water-proofs smelt so of ilc, she 
 expected the flames of spontaneous combustion to break 
 out every minute, while they, in their turn, stared ut 
 her as sailors only can stare, who are accustomed to 
 strain their eyes lookin' out a-head for reefs, shoals, or 
 icebergs. Is it any wonder she got out of the cage and 
 flew off south? To my mind it was the most natcral 
 thing in natur. 
 
 ' That \F, the pictur of the Qual'cr ashorey but when I 
 saw him he was " a Quake?- ajloat,'* and that's a critter 
 of another colour, you may depend. I'll tell you how I 
 came to sec him on board of his ship. It was just arter 
 the vamoosing of his wife. The Governor of the State 
 of Maine, who is a great lumberer on the Kenebcc, and 
 employs a regiment of loggers in the winter a cutten 
 and a haulen of spars and pine butts to the head-waters 
 of that river, and also the St. John's (indeed the Timlier 
 vote put him in as governor), wrote to me to buy him 
 some very pceowerful heavy cattle for his business. 
 Having heard that old Jacob Coffin had two yoke of 
 splendiferous oxen, away I went to Nantucket, as fast 
 as I could, for fear he would be off before I could get 
 there. As soon as I arrived, I went straight to his 
 " bungalow." It was kept by his sister, an old maid, 
 who looked like a dried apple that had been halved, 
 cored, pipt, and hung in the sun to dry, to make her 
 keep for winter sauce ; stew her in cider, and she might 
 
Ttlfi OtD ASt) tUV. NEW rt2AR. 
 
 255 
 
 bocome soft, and with the aid of Muscovado sii.G:ar, 
 ini,^"ht be made (if not sweet — for that ^.'as onpossiblo) 
 tender cnoug-h for a tart. Lord, what a quoor-lookiii 
 critter she was, skin and bone was never half so thin. 
 S)>c wore a square poke bonnet as h\<^ as a coalscuttle, 
 to avoid the stares of admiring' young Quakers, and to 
 save her complexion as a nigger wench does a parasol 
 tf) avoid bronzin her skin. It was ontied onder the 
 cliin, and set loose to keep off the dust. Her skin was 
 the colour of a smoked, dried salmon, and her teeth, 
 which stod out ai)art from each other, as if each was 
 afraid the; other would make love to it, resembled rusty 
 nails sticking into a fence-post arter the rail had fallen 
 off from decay. Her nose was pinched as tight as if it 
 had just come out of a vice ; her chin turned up short 
 and economical, like a napkin to protect her dress while 
 eating. Thf^ pujiils of her eyes were large and of a gray 
 colour, and had the power of contraction like those of a 
 cat. Her upper lip was graced with a few black strag- 
 gling hairs that described a curve, and then looked as if 
 th(>y had taken root again, like the branches of a Banyan 
 tree. Her gown was tucked up on each side; into a 
 Avis[), and run thro' her pocket-holes, disclosing a 
 shining green shalloon i)etticoat. Her stocldngs were 
 home-made, with open worked clocks, that displayed to 
 admiring eyes the red morocco skin underneath ; whilj 
 her shoes, manufactured at Salem (what Quakeress 
 would wear one that warn't made there?), fitted tight, 
 and had high heels (all small women wear them — they 
 put them up higher in the world). Her l)reast was 
 I'ovenMl with transparent starched muslin, thro' which 
 vou could see a mahoganA-coloured flat chest — sIk? was 
 a caution to a scare-crow, 1 tell, you. Thinks I, " old gall, 
 if you would take off vour ongainly bonnet and stick it 
 under your gown behind for a bustle, or stiffen (Hit your 
 jietticoats like a Christian, or ]iut on h;df a do7xui of 'em, 
 as the Frencl' galls to Canada do, it would improve^ every- 
 thing but your mug most uncommonly, for now you look 
 for all the world like a ]iair of kitchen tongs, ail legs and 
 no body, and a head that is as round as a cannon-ball. 
 
 t» 
 
 ii. 3 
 
 '** 
 
 t 
 
250 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 " ITow are yon, annty ?" Kain I. "I am not tliy auiil." 
 hIio said, " what docs thcc incau?" "It's merely a wonl 
 r)!" conciliation," sais I, "it's away I have; I always iis(; 
 Ivind words to every one." " Tlicc liad better use words 
 of truth," slie replied. There was no dan,u;er of any 
 fellow running off with her to New Orleaiis, 1 tell you, 
 for old Jacob, like many other fools, had run from one 
 extreme to another. \Vhile 1 was a thinkiu this in- 
 tarnally, she be^L;'an to talk to herself aloud — "Wiiut 
 dirty people Jacob brings liere," she said, "bcforf; he 
 goes to sea — what a mess the house is in ! it will take 
 a week to clean it np and make it look tidy again: 1 
 must call the maiden lluth, to set things to rights;" 
 and she screamed out at the tip ecnd of her voice, 
 " Ruth-ce — Kuth-ee-ee," — in one long-continued yell, 
 like that of a hyiena. Gracious! it rang in my ears for 
 a week. Then she seized a ])room and leaned on it as 
 shci stood in the middle of the sanded floor, which was 
 covered with the ecnds of cigars, tobacco, broken |)ipi's, 
 and all sorts of nfisty things, for she had no idee of 
 defilin' her bettermost room with its bougliten carpets, 
 by lettin' connnon folks into it. She was a i)ui"f(>ct 
 picture, I assure you, as sh(3 stood there on the centre 
 of th(^ room a restin' on her broom. "What may thy 
 business be, friend?" she said. "lam not a friend," 
 sais I, " but a stranger; thee had Ix-Uer use words of 
 truth," giving her back her own imperance. " Well, 
 stranger," then she said, not colouring u}), for her 
 natural complexion was deeper than blushes or blood 
 rushes, "what may thy business be T' "To see the 
 man the world calls Jacob Coflin," sais I. "Then thee 
 liad better make haste," she repli(Hl, "for he is going to 
 sea, and is getting nj) his sails now. Look out of the 
 window, ami thee Avill see the ship." With that she 
 began in an all-lired hurry to sweep away likci mail, 
 and she raised such a cloud of dust it was a caution to a 
 whirwind — it nearly choked me; so 1 walked up to her 
 to shake hands and bid good by, but the dust got into 
 my eyes and nose, and I sneezed like a buffalo in a 
 drif tin' sand. It was a rael snorter, I tell you. Lord! 
 
THE OLD AXD THE NT.W YEMl. 
 
 
 tliy aunt." 
 I'C'ly a wr)n| 
 al\va3'sus(! 
 I" use wonis 
 '^'<'i' of any 
 , 1 tell yoi'i, 
 'I from ((ii(. 
 txiii this iii- 
 Kl— '^ Wl.at, 
 "bofdrc Ii(. 
 it will takr 
 y a,^-ain: I 
 lo n-hls;" 
 licr voice, 
 tiiuicd yell, 
 my cars f(ir 
 ''d oil it as 
 • Avliich was 
 'okcii i)ip('s, 
 no id('(! of 
 ten carj)rts, 
 3 a parfcct 
 the ceil fro 
 lat may thy 
 ■ a frieiid," 
 ;e words of 
 [•• '' Well, 
 ip, for her 
 s or l)l()od 
 To sec the 
 '/rhen thee 
 is goino' to 
 
 out of (he 
 1 that sh(* 
 hk(i mad, 
 aiition to a 
 I up to her 
 st jH'ot into 
 uffaio ill ;i 
 m. Lord! 
 
 it blew her ^roat din.cry bonnet rip;-ht slap off her head, 
 loosened her liair (which was only twisted up and 
 fastened with a comb), and let it down on her shoulders, 
 like the mane of a wild Pampas horse. It nearly threw 
 her over, for she staggered back till tho wall fetched lier 
 iij), and there she stood and glared at me like a tiger; 
 hut she was clear grit and no mistake ; she never said a 
 word, but bit in hor breath and choked her temper 
 down, and she didn't swear, tho' she looked uncommonly 
 like doing so, and no mortal man will ever make mo 
 believe, when she was alone with her Quaker house-hel[), 
 that she didn't let the steam off with a rush — at last,'she 
 railed out again to the maiden, *' Ruth-ee, Rnth-ee-ce." 
 Her voice was as shrill as a railway whistle — it fairly 
 ])ierced the drum of my ears. I couldn't stand it twice, 
 go I cut stick and off hot foot for the harbour. She was 
 in a blessed humour, I tell you, and if Ruth hadn't a 
 tempestical time of it that day, then there are no snakes 
 ill Varginy. When I reached the harbour, I got a boat 
 and pushed off for the whaler "Quahog," tho anchor of 
 which they were just heaving up. AVhen I went below 
 into tho cabin, there w^as Jacob, tho very pictur of 
 Christian meel'ness, forgiveness, and resignation, a 
 writing a letter for the crew of a shore-boat to take 
 back wdth them. When he had written it, he turns to 
 me and says, ''Well, friend Peabody, what may thy 
 business be 1 — be quick, for w^e arc just off." So I uf)S 
 and tells him I wanted his big black yoke of oxen, and 
 the speckled pair also, and asked him the price. *' Two 
 hundred and fifty dollars a yoke," sais he, " thee can't 
 ditto them nowhere in all the United States, for beauty, 
 size, weight, and honest draught.'* " I can't give it," 
 I replied. " No harm done," sais he ; and while w^e were 
 chaffering he peels off his white choker and replaces it 
 with a coarse yarn comforter, doffs his broad-brim and 
 puts on a torpolin nor'-wester ; his drab vest and slips 
 on a calf-skin waistcoat dressed with the hair on ; his 
 straight-collared, cut-away drab coat, with large buttons, 
 and mounts a heavy blue pea-jacket. It must have 
 been made, I guess, by a Chinese tailor, for tho* 
 
 B 
 
258 
 
 THE SEASON-TIC KIT. 
 
 bran now, iL had a lar.i^c patcli of tho Ramo cloth 
 on cacli elbow; then he slips off his olive-colound 
 breeches, and diawH on a thick coarse pilot paW of 
 trou.^ers, and over them stout and monstrous lu-avy 
 fisherman's boots. "Come be quick," said he, "what 
 will thee give for the cattle?" "'J'wo hundnjd ami 
 twenty-five dollars a yoke," sals I, ind it's the linal 
 bid, and they are to be paid for n your retum." 
 " Done," said he, *• write out the order for dehv ry, and 
 I'll sign it." Well, then he onlocks gre...fc sea-chest, 
 and takes out a pair of "Lnuckle- -tisters" and puts 
 them on to his sledge -h;im:ue. fiscs ' 
 
 *What are tliey, ISIr. Peabodyf I inquired, <for in 
 all my travels I never saw or heard of huch gloves uk 
 those.' 
 
 * Why,* said Peabody, Hhey are jointed ir m thin;^>< 
 that strap on to the back of tlie hands, and ex lend ovn- 
 the knuckles, having knobby projcctiijiis on th^ m. Inside 
 they are lined with leather to save your own bones wlicii 
 you strike with them. They are awful persuaders, I tell 
 you, and leave your brand wherever you strike — skin, 
 llesh, and cheek-bone give way before them, as if tlicy 
 were mashed ])y a hanuner. Well, when he had fitted 
 on those black kids, and buckled on a waist-belt, them 
 he stood lookin' a plaguy sight mon^ like a pirate than 
 a Quaker, 1 tell you. Then he roared out in a voice oi" 
 thunder — " Steward ! steward ! — pass the word forw anl 
 there for the steward." Trosently, in runs the critter, 
 like a dog that's wdiistled for, answerin' all the way as 
 be came — " Ay, ay, sir." " You darned lul)b(uly rascal," 
 gaid old Jacob, "what's tho reason you ain't making 
 ready for my breakfast?" The fellow was dumbfoundtid 
 and awfully taken aback, like a vessel under full sail whvf 
 the wind sliifts round on a sudden, and she is thinking' 
 of going down stern foremost, lie was fairly onfacld- 
 lized; he couldn't believe in the transmogrification he 
 cmw, of the sleek, composed, neat-dressed, smooth- 
 faced, shore-going Quaher, into the slaver-like captain that 
 stood before him, dressed as a " Quaker afloat" If ho 
 couldn't trust Lis eyes neither could lie believe his ears, 
 
 
 like 
 
 heal- 
 
 Ills 
 
THE OLD AND THE NEWYEAK. 
 
 250 
 
 when he lieanl tlio p;oo(l niaii swear. lie stood staiiii* 
 like a Htuck pi;^", witli his iiinuth wide open. ''Do yoii 
 hear me," said Jacob, in a v<>i(3e that must have reached 
 iiis sister's ears ashore, and he stamped on the cabin- 
 tloor with his liob-nailed boot, in a way that you could 
 pee the print of it as ])lain as a wood-cut. "Friend,'* 
 F[iid hv,*, a imitatin of liiniself when ash )re, and owenn* 
 his tone, as he must have done when courtiv> ' let mo 
 wake .iiec up, for verily thee is asleep," and ' • hit him 
 a hlow with his knuckle-dusters under the car, ihat m»t 
 only knocked him down, but made him turn a somerset ; 
 and as he threw up liis le^^s in goin^^ over he fetched 
 him a kick with the toe of his lieavy boot that was 
 enough to crush his crupper bono. "Cuss your u^^-ly 
 pictm*," he said, "I'll teach you how to wake snakes 
 ;iii(l widk chalks, I know before our voyage is ende(l." 
 YdU may depend the stev . ' didn't remain to stare a 
 Si'cond time, but i)uttin'' » n hand where Ik; got IIkj 
 Mow, and the other wheu, he ^. t the kick, he abs(iuotu- 
 lated in no time, singii _ oc '> as he mounted tlu; steps, 
 \)('\i and ink, like a dog th; /s hit with a stone. "What 
 do you think of that, ^ I boss r said he, addressin' me. 
 "I think the spirit mo.ei you that time, ami no mis- 
 take," sais I, "but it was the spirit of the devil; you 
 are the first swearing (Quaker I ever saw, and I hoj)e I 
 shall never set eyes upon another. Creation, man, 
 what made you act arter that fashion, to tliut poor inof- 
 fensive crittur ? If I was to take my davy (jf what I 
 have seen when I went ashore, no livin' soul would 
 believe me." "Friend Peabody," said he, "did theo 
 over sec a ^ Qualcr afloat^ before?" "N(ner," said I. 
 ''So I thought, or thee would not be surprised." 
 "'Friend," he re})lied, "our sect is a religious denomina- 
 tion." " So I should think," said I ; but he went on, 
 '•a meek, ixMceable, passive, resistant, long-suffering* 
 jieople." "If that steward," sais I, "goes to Ballin's 
 l>ay along with you, lu^'ll beat any Quaker in all creation 
 ill long sulYering, and no mistake." lie smiled, but 
 went on, " It is a sect that ])ertainetli to the land and 
 uut to the sea. A * friend ' is no more lit to command a 
 
 s 2 
 
 i 
 
200 
 
 TIIK SnASON-TICKF.T. 
 
 pliip tlian a bishop. IJotli am out of place afloat. T.awn 
 hU'cvos would first g(!t covered with tar, and then Ix) 
 blown into ribbons, and a broad-briinnied hat would ily 
 overboard in no time. When afloat wo must dispense 
 with our land-tacks, and lay aside our distinctive dress. 
 \V(i are among* a different race from those who inhahit 
 cities or tiU the land. Wc live amidst jjcrils and storms, 
 and reefs and breakers. A minute sometimes saves a 
 phij) or wHMiks her. We have no time for circumlocu- 
 tion, and tlie(;-in^ and thou-in<^. We must speak short, 
 quick, and commanding-, and use words sailors do, pro- 
 vided they arc not profane. Without doing this no 
 one wouhi obey me. I never swear." " Why what ondcr 
 the sun are you a-talking" of, man?" sais I, "didn't you 
 call that steward a damiuMl lubberly rascal?" " Never," 
 lie replied ; " that is an unbecoming word, if not a wicked 
 one. I caUed him a darned lubber, wdiich is a very dil- 
 fercnt thing, and has a very different meaning'. Nor <lo 
 I ever strike a man; it's against my principles." "Well, 
 if that don't cap the sheaf," sais I, "it's a pity that's 
 all. Why man alive, didn't you first knock that jHtur 
 steward down, head over heels, and then kick him like 
 a wicked boss when he in just shod." " No," he said ; 
 "I only woke him up with a ])ush, and shoved him for- 
 ward, and what you call a kick was merely intcndcfl to 
 lift him up on his feet. But come, have you wriltcu 
 that dcslivery order yet?" "Yes," sais I; "'tis done, 
 put your signature to it." WeJl, seein' what an old 
 cantin scoundrel he was, I thought I'd take a rise out 
 of him for fun, so I worded the delivery order thus — • 
 " Friend Peabody having settled with me for the black 
 and speckled yoke of oxen, this is to authorize him to 
 take them into his possession." He run his eye over the 
 paper hastily, and then signed it, and then said, " If 
 thee d(^n't want to goto Tallin's Bay with me, bundle up 
 the companion ladder like wink, and be off, for we are 
 onder weigh.'* So I ups quick stick, and he comes 
 stumping artcr me with his heavy boots, clamp, clamjt, 
 as heavy as a string of loaded jack-asses over a plank 
 bridge, make all shake agin. As I came near the side 
 
 4 
 
TII£ OLD AND THE NEW VEAU. 
 
 2C1 
 
 ifloat. Lawn 
 and then Ix. 
 lat would lly 
 uist dispense 
 nctive dress, 
 who inhabit 
 and storms, 
 mcs saves a 
 ' circunilocii- 
 spcak short, 
 lors do, pr,,. 
 )\nfr tliis no 
 'what ondcr 
 " didn't you 
 " '« Never," 
 not a wieked 
 s a very dil- 
 ng. Nor do 
 Ics." "Well, 
 1 pity tliiif's 
 'k that ]><u>v 
 ick him like 
 1^0," ho said ; 
 'od him for- 
 intcndeil to 
 yon written 
 "'tis done, 
 vhat an did 
 c a rise out 
 rder thus — 
 or the black 
 uizc liim to 
 'ye over tlic 
 n said, " U 
 0, bundle uj) 
 , for we are 
 d he comes 
 imp, clam J t, 
 )ver a plank 
 ear the side 
 
 of the sliip wliero the man-ropes were, lie pave nio a Mow 
 on lli(! back (whieh lie called a shove) that nearly disln. 
 ciilcd my should^'r, and all but sent me head-first into the 
 lioat. Fortunately, the vessel was hove to for mc by the 
 inate, who was a townyof mine, or my boat wouM have 
 III 'en swamped, for there was a fresh breeze a-goinp at 
 the time. "Fare thee well, friend," said he, as he h'an<'<l 
 over the taffrel rr^il. "Peace be with the Jacob," said 
 I, for my dander was up ; " 1 hope I may n(n'cr see yoiK* 
 (Niritin', cheatin', hypocritical, lyin' face agin. Whether 
 bears cat bears or not, I don't know, but if they do, I 
 liope a grizzly will cluuv you up some line morning for 
 in-eakfast as a caution to siiniers ; but, if you ever return, 
 there is one thing I don't owx' you, and one thing I do.'* 
 '•What may they be?" said he, in liis blandest voice, 
 that was so mild it would entice a fox into a trap 
 iunost. "First,"' sais I, "I don't owe you for the 
 oxen, for the delivery order contains a n^fceipt; 2ndly, I 
 do owe you aquiltii), and I am the boy that's abh; to give 
 it to you, too, that's a fact ; if 1 don't dust your drab.^ 
 for you, if ever 1 come across you, then my name ain t 
 Peabody, that's all." Well if he didn't shake his knuckle- 
 dusters at me, and sw^car, then I don't know what ])ro- 
 fanity is. As 1 j)ulled away from the shi[), lie turned 
 round and gave orders to S({nare the yards, and I saw 
 liim push two of the men to hurry them on, and it's 
 very odd, l)oth on 'em fell Hat on their faces on the 
 deck, and had to pick themselves up before tlioy could 
 go ahead; and that's the man yon describe "as more 
 honest, lionourable, and pious, xhan any Quaker you 
 ever saw%" ' 
 
 * And pray,* said the Senator, 'what lias this long 
 digression to do with the subject we were talking of 1 * 
 
 'Why,' replied the other, ' this longlockrum was occa- 
 sioned by your interruptin' and contradictin' me. You 
 ought to know by this time — for you are a man of ex- 
 perience — that stopping a fellow in his observations is 
 sure to lengthen his speech, argument, story, or what- 
 ever you call it. If you was to stop a preacher that way, 
 
 "1 
 
 »••■ 
 
2G2 
 
 Tin: sLAsoK-Tr( kkT. 
 
 I 
 
 licM Mist tal\o ji frcsli dcparliins srjuiiro tlic! yards, ^^'•ooff 
 IxIdiT llic Mind, and yon wouldn't yvi out of tlic! nicd- 
 
 in'-liouHc Ix Ion! dark 
 
 ou was Hayin one year wnn 
 
 lik 
 
 \L' aiiollicr m a ^i 
 
 ncral way, and J was sliowin' y 
 
 oil 
 
 lliat folks lien? tlion.i;lit llicy wore p'oliiLC to the i»ad all 
 lli(^ tiino, wliilo we only travelled thai road once in i'diir 
 years. 1 had fj;(A down as far as Hri,L;ld, and I said a 
 (Quaker like liini wlio had to Mto in liislireath, and choke 
 <lowii liis an^er, wasn't the best ])olitieian in th(» worM, 
 for lie couldn't let off the steam by sweiirin. AV^'ll, t/uil'x 
 the point at ^vhieh you sto})ped lue, and ^Ttt that Ion i;- 
 rainblin^j;" story for your pains. Now, I'll be^'in where 1 
 leftol'f; but take warning-, — don't slop me a.L;-in unless 
 you want to Ix; talked dead. JJri^ht wants to ;;-ive 
 the i)oor all the right to vote, and the rich all the ri;j,iit 
 to pay the taxes; and it is a jtrettier sehemi? than he is 
 awan; of. 1'h(3 experiment is in op(M'ation at New York 
 at this yery moment. The Irish and forei^'u emi;;-rants 
 liaye the majority in a general way, and unite in a body 
 as one man. They vote the money, and the wealdiy 
 cili/ens have to pay it; and when; does it all go.' 
 AVhy, in jobs. The cash is raised, l)ut there is 
 nothing to show for the oxpcMiditure. The taxes are 
 fearful : if you was to add up the total amount of all tlu^ 
 imposts, tlu; result would ast(tnish you, 1 can tell you. 
 And if Bright was settled there, he would, like an 
 apprentice in a pastrycook's shop, soon get tired of the 
 sweets of his own pet scheme — that's a fact. In addition 
 to all this is the indirect taxhn'ied attlu; Custom House. 
 Our National Income, Senator, you know w'ell enough, 
 sounds small, and llu^ expenditure economical, because 
 ^ve merely take the JuMleral (Government account, and 
 salaries of public ofllcers which look as cheap as bull 
 b(H^f at one cent a pound ; but add to that the tavs of 
 all the separate states and corporations, and you wi. liiid 
 it as costly a government as there is in the world. Bn,;jlit 
 takes the superficial view that all people do who do; 't 
 understand the country. They ])ick out the chea}) parts, 
 comparo them with similar ones iu Em'ope, and bay that 
 
 
 ' t 
 
Tin: OLD AND Tin: m:nv vr.vn. 
 
 203 
 
 is a sami»lo of tlin \v1ki1(\ AVclI, timid jMililicianw lioro 
 lliut don't know inncli njoro tlian he docs, juc Irinldcncfl 
 to death at him, and Lord John Jinssell, and 
 others. I say, ji^-ive 'em rope enou^'-h and tliey will 
 han^' themselves. Jveforn>. as far as 1 can see, is 
 the political hiuikum of the JIojis(» of Commons: no- 
 hody takes any interest in it bnt the memhers them- 
 selves. Wherever yon ^o, people say the country is 
 p:oin<j; to the dmil. Well I hav(3 heard that cry to Iiohk^ 
 long" before I saw England, an<l yet we po ahead, and 
 England g'oes ahead in spite of such critters; we can't 
 lielj) pr()Hp(*rin. The oidy difference; between tlw; two 
 countries is, as I have* said, people in Kn';'Iand think 
 
 tiiey an; A***i'>o ^'' ^''^' ^''^'^ -''^ ^''*' time, we only think 
 so once in four years. 1 shall never for^'-et what I'nclo 
 Pelcf^ said to ni(; once : — " Xeph," said he, " I used to 
 take ^'•reat interest in ]U)litics once, but I have ^iven it 
 up now. It don't matter a cent I see, who is up, or 
 wlio is down ; there ain't much to choose anion*;' our 
 ]tolitical parties ; ]»elf, ]»ickinp,'s, and j)atr()na,i;-e, sahiries 
 and oilices, is all eitiier of them care for. When 
 Jefferson was elected, sais 1 to niyselt', the; c(Uintry is 
 ruinated: liere is a freethinker, a slav(»-holder, and a 
 Houtherner, who has beat John Adams, th(» New KniL;land 
 candidate; he will spread iididelity throu;4'h the land, ho 
 will sa}) the morals of our youth, Im'll join in Euroj)eaii 
 wars, he will involve us with France, the Jiritish will 
 slip in, conrpier us a^^ain, jind enslave us once more as 
 colonists; we arc done for, we are uj> a tree, our repub- 
 lican flint is Hxed, we shall be strangled in the cradle as 
 an infant nation, and tlie crowner will find a verdict, 
 ' died by the hands of Thomas JeiTerson.' I sat up late 
 that night at Springiield, with some })atriots and heroes 
 of Bunker's J till, and the battle of Mud Creek, to hear 
 the result of the election for President, for we were all 
 for John Adams. It was eleven o'clock at night when 
 the word came ; we were all excited, drinking success to 
 Adams, and confusion to Jeffevt^on, glory to the nation, 
 pruaperity to rcUgiun, perditiou to freethinkers, inlidels, 
 
 "J 
 
2Ci 
 
 THE SEASON-TIC KKT. 
 
 and Rontlicrn candidates, witli ntljor patriotic toasts', 
 \vh(m m rusliod Deacon rroperjolm, liis eyes stavein .six 
 Avays for Sunday, liis liair bhnvin about lik(; a head of 
 l)ro<)m corn, and liis ])reath a'most gone. *irullo,' says 
 ], ' Deacon, -what is ilu; matter of you ? who is dead, and 
 •what is to pay now ? ' * Wliy,' eais lie, striking- llic 
 tal)lc with liis fist a l)low that made all the glasses jingle 
 again, * I'll be darned if that old unbelievin shiner Jeffer- 
 Hoii hain't beat Adams ])y a majority of one,' and he 
 burst out into tears. * Our great nation is ruinated, 
 
 swamped, foundered, and done for, for ever ' Then; 
 
 wasn't a word spoke for the matter of two minutes, we 
 were so flabbergasted ; at last we all gave lip tog(3ther : 
 *0h, gracious,' sais one, * better w^c had never fought 
 and bled." * Better,' sais another, * if wc had never re- 
 sisted the British ; oidy think of that onprincipled man 
 being elected over such a true patriot as Adams;' and 
 then wc all agreed the country was undone for va'vv. 
 Then wc consoled ourselves Avilh driiddng perdition to 
 Jefferson, and set u}) Ji howl in chorus over the oltl 
 J5ay State, that took the lead, and bore the brunt of 
 the revolution, beiii chiselled out of its president this 
 way. At last I faintcMl, as if I had been knocked down, 
 was carried home by four men, ;ind put to bed." " An», 
 you sure you wasn't drunk, uncle?" sais I. "(^uite 
 certain," he said ; " I might have been overtaken, I won't 
 say I wasn't overcome like, for a very little will do that, 
 you know, when you are excited, ])ut I am sure I wasn't 
 sewed up, for I remember everything that hap[)ened. 
 When they brought me home, sais your Aunt Nabby to 
 me, ^Peleg",' says sh(\ * what on airth is liie matter; 
 have you been runned over i ' * ^lO,' sais I. 'Have 
 you had a fall, dear ? ' ' No, it ain't that.' ' Then what 
 is 't, love? ' * The nation is ruinated, Jeff — Jeff — Jeffer- 
 son is elected, and the rep — re[i — republic has gone to 
 the dev — vil.' ' Oh, I see,' said she, *you arc in a fair 
 way to go to him yourself, acting in that prepostulous 
 manner. Who cares whether Jefferson is elected or not V 
 she continued, * I tun sure I don't ; what is it to the 
 
THE OLD ^VXD THE NEW YEAR. 
 
 265 
 
 >iic tnasfs', 
 stavcin six 
 i a lioad of 
 ullo,' says 
 s (load, aiid 
 
 ikinp^ tho 
 isscR .jin;;-lo 
 nor Jcffcr- 
 le,' and he 
 s riiinatcd, 
 — ' Then; 
 mutes, wc 
 ) tog-ether : 
 vcv fought 
 i never re- 
 cipled man 
 anis;' ;iiid 
 
 for ev(!r. 
 
 rdition to 
 }r the old 
 3 brunt of 
 >ident this 
 kod down, 
 il." "Are 
 . "Quite 
 3n, I won't 
 ill do that, 
 •e I wasn't 
 liap[)ened. 
 Nabbv to 
 mattc'i'; 
 [. ' Have 
 ^hen what 
 ff— Jeffor- 
 s g-one to 
 e in a fair 
 spostulons 
 dor not?* 
 it to the 
 
 Hke of US? Yon are intoRticatcnl, Pelog, as sure as the 
 world.' ' No 1 ain't,' sais I ; 'its only grief, Nabby dear, 
 my heart is l)roke.' ' Is that all, yon goney ? ' says she, 
 ' it's hK.'ky your preeious neek ain't broke;' and slu; called 
 the nigger helps, and hauled me off to bed, and the way 
 slie tumbled me in wasn't the way she put up her best 
 chiney tea set, I can tell you. Oh, 1 couldn't have 
 l)een drunk, nephy, for I recollected every word that 
 j)assed. Well, next morning I woke up, none of the 
 earliest I can tell you, with a thunderin headache, and 
 my heart een a'most broke. I called, and called ever so 
 loud, before I could make any one hear mo. At last up 
 came your aunt, lookin as fierce as a she-cat faehi a dog. 
 'What's all that noise?' says I. 'The girls at their 
 spinnin wheels,* said she. ' Stop them,' sais I, ' it's no 
 use now ; Jefferson is elected, and the country is ruin- 
 ;ited.' Gracious how her eves Hashed at that; she 
 stooped down, seized tin; bed-elotlu.s just under my chin, 
 dragged them right off, und threw them .all into the 
 corner of the room. ' Now get up this instant minute, 
 and go and look after the spring-work, or we will be 
 ruined in airnest.' ' It's no use,' said I, Mf Adams had 
 got in, the country would have been saved. He was the 
 father of tiie country ; but Jefferson ! Oh dear, the jig 
 is up now. You thought I was dnuik last night, but I 
 wasn't; and you se(! 1 am not tipsy now. I tell yon wo 
 are dojie for.' Well, she altered her (course, and sat 
 down on the bed alongside* of me, and said, ' Dear Peleg, 
 if vou love me, don't talk nonsense. Let us reason it 
 out.' (And this, I think, Ephe, you must have found 
 oiu, that w^omen, though they like to sail before the wind, 
 know how to tack too, wh(;n it's a-head.) 'Now,' sais 
 she, ' Peleg, dear, suppose John Adams, the mean, stingy, 
 closc-listed, cunning old lawyer liad got in — you know 
 you pay him fifteen cents a ton for the granite you take 
 to Boston out of hisquarry, at Quinsey; suppose you went 
 to him, and said. President, 1 did my possibles at yom* 
 election for yon, Vvill you let mc have it for twelve 
 cents?' *No; 1 don't'think he would,' said 1. 'Well, 
 
 1 
 
2G6 
 
 tin: SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 you owe ncfelihonr Burford two huiidrcrl dollars, pposiii 
 you went to Adams, and told liim all your claims, and 
 asked him to lend you that amount to ])revent Burfurd 
 Kuinp^ you, would he lend it to you? ' 'No; I don't think 
 he would, unless I gave him a mortpi^age, and paid (^vav 
 fio much expenses.' 'AVeli, then, you see, //e would do 
 you no good. Now, Jefferson is in, and 1 won't gainsay 
 
 ch 
 
 you about his cnaracter: lor tnougn ne laiKs Jiociai 
 about slaves, it's well known ho has sold some of his 
 own half-caste children. Captain Card, of ]\cd j^ank, 
 who goes ev(My year to Charlestown, Virginia, with a 
 cargo of onions, hams, and colVms, sais it's the common 
 talk there.* 'Ain't that enough to ruin the risin gene- 
 ration?' sais 1. 'No,* says she, 'but 1o ruin his own 
 character. AVull, now that he is in, what harm is he a- 
 going to do to hurt you? Won't the corn ripen as 
 usual ? ' ' Well, I suppose it will, if the airly frost don't 
 catch it.' ' Won't the cows give milk, and the sheep 
 Avool for shearing, as they used to did? ' 'Well, I can't 
 tleny that.' 'And won't the colts grow up fit for market 
 as before ? ftr every year we get more and more for om* 
 yo\mg horses.' ' Well, 1 won't contradict you.' 'Won't 
 our children grow up as fast? ' ' Ah, there,' I sai<l, 'is 
 th(; rub ; they grow too fast now ; nine cliildnn in 
 
 twelve years, as we have' 1 couldn't finish th(! sen- 
 
 t(Mice, she gave it mo Urst on one cheek, and then on 
 the other, like wink, and then bIio W(mt to llu; wasli- 
 Btand, got hold of the ewer, F.washed the whoU; of tlic 
 Vv'ater into my face, and cut off out of the room, leaving 
 mo shivering and shaking like a felhT in the ague. 
 Well, it was the month of March, which you know in 
 New England don't give the sun-stroke ; the bedclothes 
 had beon off for some time, and then camc^ this cold 
 bath, so I ups, dresses, and outs in no time. When I 
 came down stairs, she A'as waitin for me in the cntrv. 
 ' IVleg, dear,' said she, ' 1 want to say a word to yoii, 
 come into this room ; here is amost a capital breakfast 
 for you, tea, coffee, smoked salmon, crumpets, dougli- 
 nuls, preserved quinces, done by luy own handa, and 
 
THE OLD AND TriK NCW Vi:AR. 
 
 2C? 
 
 rvorvtliIii2r yoii usod to liko. There is ono liUle favour, 
 
 (iciir 
 
 (and 
 
 sue ])ius her arms round my iicrR, and Kisscf 
 
 •k 
 
 (i l< 
 
 d 
 
 me; and who in llic world can stand that, for I never 
 eouhl) ' (Jranted,' said 1,' ' hefon^ you name it. AVliat is 
 \i V 'Never bother your liead ;d)Out elections; a voto 
 is a curse to a man : it involv(^s him in i)ohties, excites 
 him, raises a l)usliel of enemies, and not one friend for 
 ^ iiim, Jiiul makes liim look tipsy, as yon did last vi;//if, 
 thou;;']i you warn't tlu; least in litiuor.' '1 thank you 
 for that, Nal)l)y,' sais 1, 'for I wasn't, I d<» assure you.' 
 
 Of 
 
 course not,' slu^ sai( 
 
 d; 'I 
 
 see 
 
 1 V. 
 
 as 
 
 to Mi 
 
 unv, m 
 
 thiiddnp;' you was. Let us mind our own ])usiness, and 
 let othen; mind tiuirn. Whoever hoes his own row, 
 p'ls the most corn.' '1 will,* Bais 1 ; 'you will never 
 Iiear mo talk politics a<;in as Ioul;- as I live, I can tell 
 you.' 'Ah,' said she, 'what a scnsihh' man you are, 
 IVleft*! your jud;^'ment is so g'ood, you are so open to 
 conviction, only place a Ihin.ij,' heforc you.' 'As pretty 
 as you, Nahhy,' sais J, ' and it's all li.uiit.' Well, we had 
 a sort of courlin breakfast that mornin, and })arted on 
 excellent terms. I W'as the most sensible^ man in all 
 creation, and she the loveliest ; and instead of faneyin*^ 
 the country was goin<i,' to the devil, we pitched both old 
 .lefferson and old Adams to him. Since that, 1 have takcMi 
 my wif(;'s advice, and attended to my own affairs, in- 
 st(.'ad of thos(? of the luition. 1 observ(^ that bankers, 
 lawyers, merchants, and farmers pow rich; but that 
 politicians are lik<' carrion birds, always poor, croakinp,*, 
 and liun^'ry, and not over particular as to tlu; llavour of 
 their food, or how they obtain it. If Jefferson !iad, 
 arter our indi^pendence, taken to cultivatin the estate his 
 father left him, Ih» wouMn't havi; had in his old age to 
 sell it, by a rascally lottf-ry, as h(! did." ' 
 
 ' Aliem,' said the Senator, who took advantaji^o of the 
 momentary pause in this viueonscionabh! di,i;Tession to 
 resume the conversation which the other had diverte*!. 
 ' Yes, one year is pretty nnich like another, but the 
 festivities of (Miristmas are in such close proximity to 
 tliubo of the new year, that the moral and reli<^-iuu3 
 
scs 
 
 tin: SRASOX-TICKET. 
 
 'It 
 
 reflections to ^vlli(•h llio iieriod oiip^ht to crive rise are in 
 a ^reat measure if not win illy oveiioriked. It is a seriouy 
 tiling to think that we are on(3 entire year nearer the 
 g'rave than wo were on that day twelvemonths, and t(^ 
 reflect that the self-examination so appropriate to the 
 occasion is jjostponod to what wo arc pleased to call a 
 more llttin.t^ occasion.' 
 
 Ms Christmas kept with 3-011 as it is with ns in Eng- 
 hind ? ' I inrpiired. 
 
 * Yes, I should say it was,' he re])lied; 'but in a 
 gTeater variety of \vays, accordin.i;' totlu; customs of iJu! 
 fatherland of the ori,^'inal emi^'rants. In a country lik(3 
 ours, and that of British Am(riea, where he who tills tlu; 
 soil owns it, and where industry and economy always 
 insure abundance, you may Avell suppose that there are 
 many, very many family reunions at Christmas, in which 
 ]>eace and ]ilenty are enjoyed, and acknowledged by 
 joyful and thankful hearts.' 
 
 ' That's your exi)erience, is it? ' said Mr. Pcabody. 
 
 'It is,' said ]\lr. Boodle. 
 
 *\Vell, then, it ain't mine,' rejoined the other. M)f 
 all the uncomfortable things in this w^orld, an assembly 
 of In'othcrs and sisters, and uncles and aunts, and iin[>s 
 of children is the worst. Th^'y snarl lik(; the deuce ; 
 some is a little better off than others, and somehow that 
 has a tendency to raise the chin, and make the ujii>er 
 lip stiff; sonu! is a little wus off, and then like soil that 
 is worn out and poor, up springs the worst weed 
 in the world ; some call it Qiivy^ and some jealousy, 
 ])ut I call it devil ivccd. Then some an; pets of the old 
 folks, and when they talk it into them, the others 
 wink and nod at each other, as much as to say, 
 "do you see that; that's the way Tom got the yoke 
 of oxen last fall, and Sally the side-saddle boss." And 
 then every one's child is handsomor or bigger than the 
 other's baby, and it's hardly possible to award the prize 
 to the one that cries and scratches the most. Save me 
 from family parties ; uothen in nature quals them. 
 Give me the mcctiu where nobody cares a snap of a 
 
 
THE OLD AND THE NRW YEAR. 
 
 2(59 
 
 flnf^cr for nohody in particular, and has no iniorrst but in a 
 ^'ood f(.'ed, a ^'•ood Ronp:, a g-ood smoke, and chain-light- 
 iiin^^ to top it all off with. 
 
 ' I never saw but one good family party in my life, or 
 one in which all was i)leased, and all kissed and shook 
 hands tog-ether. It was at the readen artcn* old Deacon 
 Tite's funeral. TTo was my uncle, so I attended to hear 
 the will out of curiosity, to sec what my mother was to 
 g(3t, though we all knew pretty well, for ho had often 
 said ho would divide even among his sisters for he had 
 no children. But he cut up better nor anybody could 
 liave guessed; he w^as a hundred thousand (lollars richer 
 than ho was valued at, and he dividcvl that like the rest, 
 with some few little bequests. He gave my brother, 
 I'etc, liis gold watch, and he loft me his blessing ; and 
 do you know I offered to swap that with Pete for his 
 watch, but the moan, stingy erittur refused, unless I 
 gave a hundred dollars boot, whii'h was more than tiio 
 turnip w^as worth. 1 lr>st my lumpiest by giving my 
 uncle lip one day. I told him he was Tito by name, and 
 tight by natur, so I didn't expect nothen, and I wasn't 
 disappointed. Oh, Iwit didn't the rest all sing his })raises, 
 and tlien sing each otheis praises — wern't they ha|)py, 
 tiiat's all. We got into the cellar, got at his No. I 
 cider, his old i)ine-a))p!(» rum, his port, that was in 
 such earthy, spidcr-wcbby, dirty old bottics, youM 
 have thought it was dug out of the grav(! of Lishon, 
 when the earthquake tilled it all of a sudden, old ISFa- 
 deira, bottled afore the ^'evolution, and, old sherry that 
 tasted nice-nasty of tl goat-skins it wus fetched to 
 
 ito magnums. Creiition ! what 
 ladeofit! We cracked nuts, 
 pretty cousins, told (jld stories, 
 That was a hai)py day, 1 tell 
 you, and the only h ppy family ])arty 1 (!vcr witnessed. 
 J>ut, mind you, it only lasted one day. Tlie next mornin 
 the plate was to be di\ided, and aunt's trinkets, beads, 
 corals and pearls, brae lets and necklaces, diamond ear- 
 rings, and what not. So arter breakfast tlu^y was ex- 
 hibited on the table. Then came the scrabble. Lord 1 
 
 market in, and then put 
 a thanksgiving-day w 
 cracked jokes, kissed > 
 and invented new oi! 
 
 ■ <i9 
 
 *i! 
 
270 
 
 THE SEASC'X-TICKET. 
 
 '■ 
 
 tlio women were a caTitiou to hungry (lop;s willi \\liolj,g. 
 The w ly they p^rabblcd, and scrcaincd, and yclh.'d, and 
 talked, all at once, was astonishiu. Mother was sittin in 
 the corner cryin^^ her heart out. Sais she, " I can i)rovt', 
 Mr. Tite gave me that beautiful silver tea-urn, but 1 
 don't claim it ; I only want to have it in my share, for I 
 have a particular regard for it." " I'll get it for you," 
 says I. So I walks up to the table where they was all 
 talkin at the top cend of their voices, and I let off th(3 
 Indian warwhoop in grand style. First they all shriek(>d, 
 and then for a minute there was silence; and sais 1, 
 *' Mother is it this old tea-urn you wanted ?" "Yes," 
 sais she, "it is." "Then here it is," sais I, "as tli(» 
 eldest, you have the first choice." She got it, and 
 walked off with it, leaving all the rest hard at it. 'J' ho 
 division of them persoiuil articles niadc^ enemies of ail 
 the relations ever after! No, said he, rising, ^ none of 
 your family parlies for me; connexions at best are ])ooi- 
 friends, and connnonly bitter enemies. If you want 
 nothing, go to them, and you are sure to get it; if yoii 
 art hi want of any assistance, go to a stranger-friend 
 you have made for i/(mrstlj\ and that's the boy that has a 
 heart and a hand for you. And now 1 will leave 
 Senator and you to linish your cigars; and as miiu^ is 
 out, and my whisky, too, by your leave I'll turn in; so 
 good night.' 
 
 ' That is one of (ho oddest fellows I ever knew,' said 
 the Senator; 'but Ihere is mon^ in him than you would 
 Hnpi)oso from his a))pcniranee or couversatit»tiiu He is 
 remarkable for his strong connnon sense and quickness 
 of perception. Ihit at times his interruptions annoy me ; 
 he seems to take a j)leasuro in diverting tlui conversa- 
 tion you arc engaged in to some other topic, either by 
 telling you a story in illustration of, or opposition to, 
 your vi(!ws, or by taking upon himself to convers<' upon 
 some totally different to])ic. One can scarcely belii^ve 
 that a trite observation, such as I nmde to you, abont 
 one yeav being very Hke its pn^decessor, could by any 
 possibility have afforded him a })eg upon which to hang 
 all the stories with which he has favoured us tu-uight. 
 
Tin: OLD AND THE KEW YEAH. 
 
 271 
 
 li Avlu'lpg. 
 ('ll(.'d, and 
 ,s sittiu ill 
 •an i)rovt', 
 uni, l)ut 1 
 laro, for I 
 for you," 
 ly was all 
 ct off tlio 
 lsliri(.'k(^<l, 
 id Rais 1, 
 ' " Yes," 
 , "as tlio 
 ►t it, and 
 t it. The 
 iiies of all 
 
 ' none of 
 t are jxxu- 
 you want 
 it ; if yon 
 p:('r-fri('nd 
 
 hat has a 
 vill leave 
 a mini' is 
 ru ill ; so 
 
 n^w,' said 
 
 •oil would 
 
 . He is 
 
 juickiiess 
 
 iiiiioy nie ; 
 
 couvorsa- 
 
 either hy 
 
 )siti()n tn, 
 
 erse iipcu 
 
 [y beliiive 
 
 M)u, about 
 
 Id by any 
 
 I to haii«j^ 
 
 to-uigUl. 
 
 I should liavo liked to answer your inquiries fully, and 
 to have ^iveu you a description of the various ways in 
 whicli Cliristmas is kept in America. On some future 
 occasion I wmII do so ; but now the evening is so far 
 advanced I believe I must follow ^[r. Peabody's example 
 this once, at least, and retire, (jlood ni.L^ht, and a liappy 
 Giiribtmas to you wherever you pass it.* 
 
 
 t* 
 
272 
 
 Jill) SEASON-TICItET. 
 
 Ko, xr. 
 
 COLONIAL AND MATRniONIAL ALLLV^'CES. 
 
 TiiK fnll(">wing day I Btrollctl with my American fricii(l>» 
 into the Paik, lln-ongli tlio narrow, ding-y, and nnsocinly 
 entrance from Sprin*^ Gardens. A few minutes' walk 
 brouglit ns in front of the Horse Guards, where wi; 
 paused for a wliile to witness a military review. ^\\* 
 then proceeded to the Serpentine, where we watclud 
 tlic jj^ay and fashionable thron<^, that, attracted by the 
 crowd of skaters, increased the number and ])rillian(.'y (if 
 the p,Toups that they themselves came; to admire. 
 
 'The more I see of this ft'reat capital,' observed the 
 Senator, 'the more astonisluHl I am at its population 
 and wealth. Places of public resort, of every descrip- 
 tion, are thronf^ed with people, and the crowds that 
 frecpient and fill them do not perceptibly diminish tlic 
 multitudes that are usually seen in the fashionabli; 
 streets or bushiess thorouj^-h fares. The number of 
 private carria.q'cs abroad, during- a fine day in the season, 
 is almost incredible. There arc evcrywlun'c evidences 
 of great opulence in this metropolis that attract and 
 astonish a stranger. The city appears to him like 
 a large estuary, receiving tributary streams of wealth 
 from all parts of the globe, and discharging an mcreasiiig 
 Hood of riches in return ; the region between that and 
 Bond-street as the emporium of everything that is 
 costly and rare, and the West End as the stately abode 
 of people of rank and fortune. All this is perceptible at a 
 glance, and a cursory survey fills his mind with astonish- 
 ment, but on closer inspection lie finds tluit he has 
 gecu only the surface of thuigs. As he pui'sues his 
 
COLONIAL AND MATHiy'ONLVL ALLIAIJCES. 
 
 273 
 
 E3. 
 
 3an frIcn(U 
 il unsocinly 
 lutcs' walk 
 where wv, 
 view. ^^\) 
 TO watcluMl 
 ;to(l ])y tlif 
 )rilliaii(!y (if 
 lire. 
 
 iserved llu; 
 population 
 ry (les('ri|i- 
 r()^v(l^^ thai 
 iiuiiiish th(i 
 fashionaMc 
 iuini])er of 
 the; season, 
 evidences 
 ittract and 
 hhu like 
 4 of wealth 
 I mcreasin.<;- 
 n that and 
 ip^ that is 
 ately abode 
 eptiblo at a 
 il astonisli- 
 lat lie has 
 )ursues his 
 
 investi^j^atiohs, ho learns that tin? city in a vast ware- 
 house for tlio supply of the whole world; that its nicr- 
 cliants own half tin; public, stock <d every civilized 
 nation; that there are do<'ks and depositories under- 
 neath the surface, containing* untold and inconceivabli^ 
 wealth; and that tSiC shop windows in the streets of 
 fashionable resort, thoup^-h th(;y flitter with g-old and 
 silver, or an; decked with silks, satins, laces, shawls, 
 and the clu)ieest and most expensive merchandise, 
 convey but a very iiiadcMpiate idea of the hoards that 
 are necessarily packed into the smallest i)ossil)l(; space, 
 and stored away in tin.' lofts above, or the vaults lieneath. 
 J'lirsuinp^ his iiniuiries in the Wcsi, lie finds that the 
 stately mansions he beholds there arc the mere town 
 residences, during' ^' the season," of a class who have 
 enormous estates in the country, with ])rincely palaces, 
 castles, and halls, and that there are amon;^-st them one 
 thousand individuals, whose united property would more 
 than extin<;'uish the national debt. Such is the Jjondon, 
 of which h(3 has read and heard so much, tin; centre of 
 the whoh; commercial world, the exchan;;'i} where poten- 
 tates ne<i;otiate loans for the purposes of war or jx'ace, 
 the s(»at of the arts and sciences, and the source; of all 
 lh(,' civilization and freedom that is to be found amoii^ 
 liie nations of the earth. Jhit .u'reat, and rich, and 
 powerful as it is, it does not stand in ilu; sanu! relation 
 to Kn^-land, as Paris does to France; it is indt'pendent, 
 l)Ut not ojuni])otent; there are other towns only second 
 to it in population and capital, such as IManchester, 
 Jiiverpool, ]iiniiiii,i;-liaiii, (j!lasL;'OW, and others, of which 
 till' wealth is jdmost fabuh)us. Well may an En;;'lisli- 
 iiian Ik; proud of his country. In every tpiarter of the 
 u'lolic, he finds that it i;; stampin.i;' the im})r(.'ss of its 
 ]an;^'uag'e, its institutions, and its liberty. Voii and ], 
 who have travelle<l so far, and seen so much, have, 
 beheld yonder Jhilish soldi(u* at (Gibraltar, Malta, and 
 Corfu, at the Tape, the jiorts of the East Indies, Ilon^ 
 Kon^Li', Australia, and Xew Zealand, in the West Indies, 
 and Xewfoundland, JIalifax, (2iiel)ec, and the shores of 
 the Pacific. (Jreat JJritain fills but a small jjlace on tho 
 
 T 
 
 I i 
 
 ii« 
 
271 
 
 TIIK StASOX-TICKtti 
 
 iiiMp, Lilt owns and (»('(Mi|)i('S a hw^c jinvtion of llio f^-ioLr. 
 Jlci" lirwt atlcinpls at colonization, liko those; of otiicr 
 Kuropcaii ])ow('rs, wi'iH? not very siicccssfnl, l)\it tli(3 loss 
 of tlio old provinces, that now constitute; the Unilccl 
 States, lias tau^'ht her -svisdoin. She lias at last lejirruMl 
 that the ivuo art of governing her distant i)ossessions 
 (consists in iinj)artin;j;' to the ])eople that freedom which 
 hIk! herself enjoys, and in seekin;^ remuneratiuii for her 
 outlay, not by inono[)oli/in;4' their conunerce, but hy 
 enl;ir;4ing' it; not in coinpellin;;' them to seek tlu.'ir 
 supplies at her hands, hut iu aidin;;' them to become 
 opulent and })r(»lUable customers. She has discovered 
 that affection and interest arc strong-er and more endur- 
 ing' ties, than those imposed by coercion ; that there an; 
 in reality no conilicting; interests between herself and 
 lier dependencies, and that the liappuiess and prosperity 
 of both are best ])romoted and secured by as inu(;li 
 mutual in<l(>pendeiK'e of action as is compatible with the 
 nndisi)uted and indispensal)le rights of each, and tlu; due 
 relation of one part of the cmpu'c to the other, and to 
 the whole.* 
 
 ' Do you not suppose,' I said, Mliat in ])roccss of time, 
 as our er)l()nies become more jxjpulous and more wealthy, 
 they will follow the order of nat'.re, g-row self-reliant, 
 and becoiiKi distinct and indejuMidcMit nations?' 
 
 * Some,' he repli(>d, * undoubtedly will, but there nro 
 others, tluit l)y judicious arrangements, may prol)al>Iy 
 veiiKun part and parcel of tlu; l"hn[)ire. There is a vast 
 difference; b(!tween the colonies in tin; East, and those 
 in the W^est. The former are; held by a very fragile 
 tenure, and it is dilVicult to say how soon they may 1 o 
 fcevered from IJritish control. Australia p(!rhaps will at 
 no ver^^ distant i)eriod, claim its indei)endence, and if 
 the demand Ix; made; with unanimity, and apjiears to bo 
 the "well understood wish of the jx^ople," it will doubt- 
 less be conceded to them. It is obviously neither the 
 interest nor the wish of this country to compel a re- 
 luctant obedience, even if it possesses the power, which 
 is more than doubtful. The emig'rant, when lie leaves 
 Great Britahi fur Australia, leaves it for ever. In be- 
 
COLONIAL AND MATinMONlAI, ALMANCI-S. 
 
 275 
 
 coming a colonist lio coasos to Ix* an En*,^lislimaii ; lio 
 voliuiliirlly caslH liis lot in anotlicr iK'niisphcrc, and 
 Hcvcrs tlic lies, social and national, that l)ind iiiin to his 
 own. AViiilc ail is s(ran;;-(» ahont liiin a fcdinp;' of lone- 
 liness and <>xile may o|)j)r('ss him, and canse him to cast 
 a lon,L;Mn^* liii<;'ering" look towards the land ho has left. 
 DiuinjL^ tliis slate of mind, he finds relief in transmit- 
 liii.u,' to his friends and rehitives tidin^^s of himself, and 
 asking" the consolation of letters in i'etin*n. Jiy decrees 
 tlin corres|)()nd(MiC(^ slackens, and rmaily ceases alto;;;e- 
 iher; new associates snpjtiy tiie |>lae(; of his early 
 friends ; and as ima.nination and hope are stronp^er than 
 memory, the Old \Vorld soon becomes, as it were, a 
 <lream in tln^ New. The interminahh? ocean is a barrier 
 to the emi;;-rant's retnrn ; and altho>i;4*h that is not in- 
 snj)(>rabl(i in itself, the /^reat expense of a <lonble vr»ya;;'o 
 ])rechides his cntertainin.i;* the idea of ever rcvisitin;^ 
 
 1 
 
 lis native land. Where evcrythm^ is new, the? old is 
 for;;-()tten as soon as laid aside ; a chan;;'(; (»f climate, of 
 jialiits, of wants, and of employments, reqiiires him to 
 accommodate himself to his idtered circnmstanees ; ami 
 th(> present occmpies his thoii,L;'hts to the cxchisioii of 
 tli(» past. 'J'hose amon;^' whom his l<>t is cast, have 
 niaih; the country what it is, and claim it as their own. 
 lie is amon<^' them, and of them ; \\v is an Australian in 
 thouf;'ht, in word, and in i\vvd. Tin? liistr»rv of his 
 country is soon learne(l, for it has started into e\isteiK-e 
 in his own lifetime. Altliou,L;h precocious, it has not out- 
 g-rown its stren.L;tli, and it iL;-ives ])romis(! of a still more 
 ra[iid d(!velo[)ment. All that he; beholds around him is 
 at once the effect and cause; of j»ro;4'ress, and the 
 (lull monotony of tlu; Old AVorld contrasts stran,L;'<'ly 
 with the (>xcitement of the New. Where (jverythiiiL;' is 
 to bc! planned, adoptecl, and executed, the cner;ries of 
 all ar(! i)ut into retpiisilion, aiitl industry and ordinary 
 fru.i^'ality promise })rofit as well .as remuneration. TIk; 
 laiul of his adoption has a fiitun^, the early dawn of 
 which discloses nationality and p;rcatness. It is self- 
 support iiiii,-, and is not (l(»pendent upon tluj mother 
 country; it has other markets besides those of (jreut 
 
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276 
 
 THE SKASON-TICKET. 
 
 j 
 
 ill' 
 
 ^'1 
 
 '4 t 
 It 
 
 Britain ; it posscssos a continental, a colonial, and a 
 forcig-n trade (jf its own, and its connncrco is already 
 cxtcndjug" to the shores of the Pacific. It is the Eni;-- 
 land of the East. The hostile attitnde lately nssnnicd 
 by France has already raised the qnestion of independ- 
 ence among" the settlers, which is still enj^rossing* public 
 attention. " Ought we," they say, "to be involved in 
 Enro})can wars, in which we have no direct interest, 
 which are undertaken on grounds in which we hav(3 no 
 concern, and are conducted and terminated without our 
 assent. We are told that we must provide for our own 
 defences. If we provoke attack, it is reasonable ^y^) 
 should be prepared to repel it ; but if the quarrel 
 is between others, those who involve us in war, should, 
 in common justice, shield us from its ravages. AVe have 
 everything to lose, and nothing to gain, by hostilities. 
 If EnglaTid is unable to provide suitable coast dcfcnc(^s 
 for herself, how can we do so with a far greater extent 
 of seaboard, with a sparse population, and without an 
 army or navy of our own? The sovereignty is nomi- 
 nal, the danger real. Our independence can do England 
 no harm, because in proportion to our means, we sliall 
 always be among her best customers, while it will save 
 our shipping from seizure, our seaport towns from bom- 
 bardment, and our colonial and foreign trade from 
 annihilation. AVc are too far removed from you to give 
 assistance, or receive protection. The poHcy of tho 
 United States is not to intermeddle in European polities, 
 a similarity of condition indicates the p.'opriety of a like 
 abstinence on our part. 
 
 * Such, my dear sir, I know to be the language ot 
 the Australians, and such, I foresee, will be the ulti- 
 mate result. New Zealand is similarly situated. As 
 respects the East Indian provinces, you have recently 
 very nearly lost them by the rebelHon of the natives. 
 If France or Russia should be at war with you, eitlier 
 of them is in a condition to fan the smoulderiuG: embers 
 of discontent into another outbreak, and the result 
 would, doubtless, be most disastrous. The North Ame- 
 rican colonies are very differently situated in every ro" 
 
COLONIAL AST) MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 
 
 277 
 
 ial, and a 
 is already 
 the Eni;-- 
 ' assuriKMl 
 indcpend- 
 ing- pulilic 
 ivolvcd ill 
 -J interest, 
 c have no 
 itliont our 
 >r our own 
 :)nal)lo w(! 
 ic quarrel 
 ar, should, 
 
 AVe JKive 
 hostilities. 
 ;t dcfenc(>s 
 iter extent 
 ,vithout an 
 y is nomi- 
 .0 Engl.'ind 
 , wo sliall 
 
 will save 
 'roni honi- 
 .'ade from 
 ou to give 
 :^y of tho 
 in polities, 
 y of a like 
 
 nguage ot 
 'the'iiUi- 
 ated. As 
 reeently 
 G natives. 
 on, eitlun- 
 ng embers 
 the result 
 orth Anu'- 
 cvcry re* 
 
 epcct ; they may be damaged by either of those great 
 powers, and especially by the former, but they can 
 never be concpiered. Uidike Australia, they have a 
 vast inhabited back country, into which an enemy can- 
 not penetrate, and they arc only assaihd)lo in a few 
 maritime towns, which constitute but a small part of 
 their wealth, and contain a still smaller portion of their 
 population. They are settled by a brave, iutelligt;nt^ 
 loyal, and above all, a homogeneous race, not very 
 powerful for aggression, but fully competent, with 
 very shght assistance to defend themselves ; and be as- 
 sured, ive should never permit any other European 
 nation but Great Britain to hold them. It is a settled 
 principle with us, that no portion of our continent shall 
 ever again be subject to any foreign power. So long 
 as the connexion lasts with England we shall respect it, 
 and if they should become independent, we shall recog- 
 nise the Government defactOy and welcome it into tlie 
 family of American nations. With judicious manage- 
 ment, I can see no reason why they should ever be 
 S(jvered from the parent country. Now, the inhabitants 
 of Australia are emigrants, and not natives ; they are a 
 new people, suddenly elevated into Avealth and political 
 importance, exercising the novel powers of self-govern- 
 ment, somewhat intoxicated with their great prosperity, 
 and like all novi homines similarly situated, they exhibit 
 no little self-suflSciency. They are impatient of control 
 or interference, and can but ill brook the delay that 
 necessarily arises in their official correspondence with 
 the Imperial Government, from the immense distance it 
 has to traverse before it reaches its destination. They 
 think, and with some truth, that their condition is not 
 understood, or their value duly ai)preciated ; and that 
 tlie treatment they receive from the Downing-streei 
 officials is neither conciUatory nor judicious. They feel 
 that they can stand alone, and their language indicatea 
 a desire to try the experiment. 
 
 ' The great bulk of the North American population, 
 on the contrary, is of native growth, — the people havo 
 been born under the form of Government they now 
 
278 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKKT. 
 
 4 J 
 
 f- 
 
 enjoy, and liavc practically known no otlior. Tlioy 
 retained their lf)yalty dnriiip; tlic tryijig* period of our 
 llevolutioii, and defended tliemselves with j^-reat gal- 
 lantry during' the war of 1812, when their country was 
 iuvadcd by our troop.s. Steam has so abridged the time 
 formerly occupied by a passage across the Atlantie, 
 that their principal men continually pass and repass 
 between their respective colonies and Great Britain, and 
 feel as if they constituted part of the same population. 
 Daily packets have so facilitated correspondence, that 
 three weeks now snflico for the transmission of letters 
 and replies, while the telegrapliic wire will soon ])laL'u 
 tlie people on both sides of the Atlantic within speaking 
 distance. A passage from Quebec, or Halifax, to 
 England, can now bo effected in as short a space of 
 time as was occupied thirty years ago in a journey from 
 the west coast of Ireland to London; and it is 
 confidently predicted that the voyage will soon be 
 accomplished in five days. Distance, therefore, con- 
 stitutes no obstacle to a continuance of the union, nor 
 do the wishes or interests of the people tend to a 
 severance. It is a starthng and extraordinary circum- 
 stance (but I am firmly convinced of the fact), that the 
 colonists are more desirous than the Whig Government, 
 fov a continuance of the union. It has been the practice 
 of tliat party, for the last fifty years, to undervalue the 
 importance of their colonies, to regard them as incum- 
 brances, to predict their inevitable tendency to become 
 independent, and to iise them while the connexion 
 continues as a mere field for patronage for their depen- 
 dents and supporters. Acting* upon this conviction, 
 they have been at no pains to conciliate the people, 
 cither by aiding them in their internal improvements, 
 or admitting' them to any share of the Imperial patron- 
 age, while they have carefully excluded them from any 
 voice in that department which has the supervision of 
 the vast colonial dependencies of the empire. This has 
 been borne patiently with the hope that better counsels 
 might ultimately prevail, but it will not be tolerated for 
 pyer. Politicaij like social alhancesj can never bo 
 
 
COLONIAL AND MATRDIONLVL ALLIANCES. 
 
 279 
 
 •r. Thoy 
 f)(l of our 
 
 lutiy was 
 il till) tiiuo 
 Atluulie, 
 nd repasf^ 
 ritaiii, and 
 )Ojmlatioii. 
 encc, that 
 of letters 
 con ])laee 
 11 speakiii*^ 
 lalifax, to 
 I spaee of 
 iniey from 
 and it is 
 soon 1)0 
 fore, con- 
 union, nor 
 tend to a 
 ry circum- 
 ;), that the 
 Dvernment, 
 he practice 
 rvalue the 
 as incum- 
 to become 
 connexion 
 icir depcn- 
 conviction, 
 lie people, 
 movements, 
 ial patron- 
 L from any 
 2rvision of 
 This has 
 1' counsels 
 lerated for 
 never bo 
 
 I 
 
 durable, when all the duties are on one side, and all tho 
 power and emoluments on the other.* 
 
 ' With respect to the cumbrous and inefTicicnt 
 machinery of the Colonial Office,' I said, ' I entirely 
 agree with you. I have been in British America my- 
 self, and have heard the same complaints from leading* 
 men of all parties, in the several provinces. They 
 reprobate the constant chang-e, as well as the uncertain 
 attendance of the Minister, whose time is more occupied 
 with the politics and interests of his party than the 
 business of his own department, and whose authority is 
 weakened and controlh.'d by the action of the Chancellor 
 of the Exchequer, the Board of Trade, and the Lords ol 
 the Treasury. A friend of mine told me the other day, 
 that a few years ago he came to this country to con- 
 clude some matters of great importance, that were in 
 abeyance, and found, on his arrival, that the Secretary 
 of State for the Colonies was attending: a ConjiTcss at 
 
 Vienna, and that after waiting some time, at great 
 
 personal inconvenience and expense, he was compelled 
 to return to America. A second voyage to England, 
 soon became indispensable, when, after having made 
 some progress in his negotiations, he learned with 
 dismay that tlie Minister had retired from office, and 
 the whole affair had to be commenced de novo. Most 
 men thus detained, have private or public duties at 
 home that must necessarily be suspended during these 
 intermhiable delays, and it is not unusual for a suitor 
 to be compelled to leave the matter in an unfinished 
 state, and re-cross the Atlantic. Tho arrival of every 
 steamer there, is anxiously watched, and at last his 
 friends, or his agents, write to inform him that there is 
 a change of Government and of policy, that it is difficult 
 to say what views may be entertained by the new 
 Secretary of State, but that before he can possibly 
 decide, he must be informed of the facts .of the case ; 
 that the ground must again be gone over, the same 
 delays endured, and the same expense hicurred as 
 before. Nor is this all : they complain that, during tho 
 recess, they may call day after day hi Downing-streot, 
 
 :' , if\ 
 
 \i ii< 
 
-^mm 
 
 280 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKKT. 
 
 (! 
 
 without ho'inp: able to obtain an interview with tlin 
 Cliiof. Wlicii h(3 is inquired for, the answers vary, Imt 
 arc all to the Ranio oftoct, "Ix^ is in tli(^ country, and not 
 expected back till next week ;" or, " he is attending- a 
 (jal)inet Council, and will leave town immediately al'tor- 
 wards;" or, "ho has not been at the office to-day." 
 Nor is the applicant often more fortunate hi obtaining- 
 an interview with the political Under Secretary. lie, 
 too, is frequently occupied elsewhere; for instance, th(» 
 former is now at his country residence in the north, and 
 the latter is in Ireland. 
 
 ' But the clerks are there.' 
 
 * Yes, but clerks have no power, beyond that of 
 receiving papers and transmitthig* replies; and if they 
 liad, who would like to transact business with tliem ! 
 Are the affairs of forty-three colonies of less miportaiu.'o 
 than those of a private uidividual; or are they g'overned 
 by different rules? What law3'er could retain his 
 clients, if their interviews were restricted to his clerks ; 
 or what medical man could mahitain his practice, if his 
 patients were referred to his apothecary ? A bank or a 
 mercantile firm conducted in this manner, would soon 
 become insolvent. The most irresponsible office in the 
 kingdom, is that of a Colonial Minister. He makes no 
 report to Parhament of his doings, and, if he did, so 
 intent are members on the business of their own part}-, 
 or that of their constituents, that few would listen to it. 
 His decisions arc final in the distant parts of the empire ; 
 for to whom can colonists oppeal? They have no 
 representatives in the House of Commons whose duty 
 it is to attend to their complaints, or promote their 
 Avelfare ; and the public press, unless the grievance b(; 
 most flagrant, is occupied with matter of greater interest 
 to its readers. The separation of a man and his wife 
 in the Divorce Court, will engross more attention than 
 the severance of a colony, and a police report, or an 
 account of the Derby, appeal more directly to the 
 sympathies or pockets of the people, than a squabble 
 between a province and a Secretary of State. 
 
 ' Yes ' said Mr. Peabody, — who had been silent for an 
 
 t 
 
COLONIAL AND AIATRIMONLU. ALLIANCES. 
 
 281 
 
 witli Urn 
 vary, ])ut 
 y, and not 
 :tondiiU'* a 
 tcly aftor- 
 c to-day." 
 obtaining;' 
 ■ary. JIc'-, 
 jtaiico, tli(> 
 north, and 
 
 d that of 
 id if they 
 ilh them ^ 
 mpovtaiico 
 '■ i;'ovL'rn('d 
 retain his 
 [lis clerks ; 
 tice, if liis 
 bank or a 
 oukl soon 
 ice in the 
 makes no 
 10 did, so 
 wn party, 
 stcn to it. 
 10 empire ; 
 
 have no 
 loso duty 
 loto their 
 van CO be 
 
 r interest 
 
 his wife 
 tion than 
 rt, or an 
 y to tlie 
 
 squabble 
 
 :nt for an 
 
 unusually lon.c^ time, and \vlio was evidently g-ettin^ 
 tired of so serious a conversation, — ' Yes, 1 ^'iiess tho 
 Derby is more rncji. W^as you ever at tiie (Jreat 
 American Circus in Leicester Square ? 'cause if you 
 were, you've seen Sam Condon stand upon a pair of 
 bosses, one foot on one, and one foot on feather, and 
 drive two span of piebald cattle before him, as easy as 
 drinkin'. W^ell now, doti't it look as if it was a wonderful 
 feat ? and don't people cheer him and hurrah him as if 
 lie was taking' the shine out of all ereation i Well, it's 
 just notlien at all, it ain't him that drives, but the horses 
 tiiat go ; it's trahiin' and custom in the cattle, and not 
 skill in the rider; he ain't the smallest part of a circum- 
 stance to it ; he has as little to do with it as the padded 
 saddle ho stands on. The bosses do it all, for they an; 
 obedient, and go round and round of themselves ; but 
 just let them two he stands on only pull apart, and 
 down lie'd go lumpus, like a fellow atween two chairs; 
 or let 'em kick \\\), and away he'd go Hying over their 
 heads, and like as not break his neck. Now that's the 
 case with your Colonial Minister ; he don't manage the 
 Colonies, but they manage themselves, and in general 
 they go their circumf oration quiet enough. But neither 
 Sam Condon nor he knows liow to handle the rehis ; 
 nary one of 'em can do more than go through the form. 
 Lettin' cattle that know the road go of themselves is 
 one thing, and driving of them is another ; any passenger 
 (m the box can do the first, but t'other requires a good 
 eye, a strong arm, a light hand, and a cool head, 1 ean 
 tell you. As uncle Peleg said when he went to night- 
 school arter he was grow'd up, " readin' and writin,'" 
 said he to the master, " is easy enough, any darned f< »ol 
 can do that^ but s[)ellin' is the devil." So any coach, 
 whether it is a state or a stage waggon, in a general Avay, 
 is easily managed, but when you slump into a honey- 
 pot, bosses and all, or get into a pretty fri/zle of a fix, 
 between a pine stump on one side, and a rut on t'other 
 axle-tree deep, or have to turn an icy corner sharp, or 
 pass a sloping, slippery, frozen glare, or to pull thr(mgli 
 a deep ford that runs like a mill-race, with a team thai'tj 
 
 ^.■ ^ 
 
282 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKEr. 
 
 )i 
 
 »5» 
 
 ono-lmlf (lovils? and t'otlior half cowards, it roquiros a 
 fellow that knows how to yell, too skeer, to strike, and 
 when to do it, and the way to steer to a hair's breadth, 
 I can tell you. 
 
 ' Lord, 1 shall never forp^ot how I astonished a British 
 navy oflicer once. AV^hcn I was a yonng'ster, I owni'd 
 and drove the stag-o coach from Goshen to Boston ; my 
 team consisted of six as beautiful [^I'cys as ever mortid 
 man hiid eyes on ; they were as splendid critters as was 
 ever bound up in boss hide, I tell you, real smashers, 
 Bixtecn hands hi.ij,'h, and trot a mile in 2-40, every one 
 on 'em. Oh, they Averc rael dolls and no mistake; I 
 never was so proud of anything' in my \\U) as I was of 
 that six-hoss team. Well, I had the British captain 
 alongside of me, and he was admirin' as much as I was 
 a-braggin' of them, when I showed 'em off a leetle, just 
 a leetle too much, a puttin' of them on their mettle, and 
 pushing them a-hcad, when away they went like wink', 
 and raced off as if Old Scratch himself had kicked them 
 all on cend. Tlie way the women inside shrieked, was 
 a caution to steam-whistles, for they were frightened 
 out of their seven senses, and the captain was skeered 
 too (for courage is a sort of habit, and nothen else ; clap 
 a sodger on a fore-topsail-yard, and set him to reeling, 
 and see if he don't look skywonoky out of his eyes. Or 
 mount a sailor on a mettlesome nag*, and see if he don't 
 hold on by the mane and crupper, or jump overboard ; 
 and yet both on 'em may be as brave as lions in their 
 own line). Well, it frightened the captain out of a 
 year's growth, I tell you. lie made a grab at the reins 
 to help me haul 'em np. " Hands off," sais I, " leave; 
 them to me, it's only f unnin' they are ; " and I gave a 
 yell loud enough to wake the dead in a churchyard we 
 was passing, cracked the whip, and made 'em go still 
 faster, right agin a long steep hill ahead of us, and 
 when they reached the top of it, a little blown, I just 
 held 'em in hand, and brought 'em down to a trot. 
 *' Uncommon good, that," said he, " why, I thought 
 they were runnin' away." *' So did they," said T, " but 
 the^ forgot I could follow t^s fast as they could run." 
 
COLONIAL AND MATRIMOXIAL ALLIANCES. 
 
 283 
 
 requn'cs a 
 striko, and 
 's bnnultb, 
 
 ;d a British 
 
 •, I OWllL'd 
 
 oatoii ; my 
 vcr mortal 
 tcrs as war^ 
 
 smashers, 
 
 every ono 
 mistake; J. 
 s I was of 
 ish captain 
 .1 as I Avas 
 I leetle, just 
 mettle, and 
 
 hke Avink', 
 ieked them 
 ieked, Avas 
 ) frig'hteiied 
 ^as skeered 
 a else ; chq) 
 
 to reeling;', 
 s eyes. Or 
 
 if he don't 
 
 overboard ; 
 )ns in their 
 in out of a 
 at the reins 
 s I, "leave 
 d I gave a 
 rchyard Ave 
 'cm go still 
 
 of us, and 
 own, I just 
 
 to a trot. 
 , I thought 
 jaidi, "but 
 
 could run." 
 
 Now bosses and men arc more like than you'd think — > 
 you must know their natures to manage them, llnw 
 can a man govern colonies who never saw one, or ondcr- 
 stand the folks there, Avho are as different from old- 
 country people as chalk is from cheese, when he never 
 lived among 'em, and knows notlum about their wants, 
 habits, train of tlioughts, or prejudices? 
 
 ' AVhy, it don't stand to reason, nor convene to the 
 natur of things — Latin and Greek may do for governing 
 Oxford or Cambridge, but Gladstone found Homer didn't 
 help him at Corfu, where he made an awful mess of 
 matters, and ralmerston will have; to talk something 
 better than he learned in Ovid, or Virgil, to the roi)e. 
 The Governor-General of Canada has written a book 
 since he went there, and what do you think it is about? 
 The Quebec and Halifax llaihvay? No, that's trady. 
 The monopoly of the Norwest Company, that obstructs 
 the settlement of a country as big as all France ? No, 
 that would bring down the great bear-hunter, and the 
 Lord knows who upon him. The construction of a prac- 
 ticable route from Canada to Vancouver's Island, by 
 which the China Trade might be made to pass through 
 the British territory ? No, for that would involve expense 
 and trouble, and he might get a hint he had better mind 
 his own business. An historical, geographical, and sta- 
 tistical account of British North America? No, that 
 country is growing so fast, it would require a new editi( m 
 every year. Do you give it up? AVell, it is a treatise 
 on the Avords, "could, Avould, and should." Now he 
 could write somethin' more to the purpose, if he ivould, 
 and he should do it, too, if he held office under me, that's 
 a fact. Yes, it takes a horseman to select cattle for the 
 lead, or the pole, and a coachman of the right sort to 
 drive them too, and it takes a man Avho knows all about 
 colonies, and the people that dwell there, to select 
 governors of the- right sort, and to manage them, Avhen 
 he gets the collar on 'em. State-craft ain't larned by 
 instinct, for CA^en dogs Avho beat all created critters for 
 tliat, have to be trained. It ain't book larnin that is 
 -panted in DoAvnini^-street j if it Avas, despatches mi^-ht 
 
 ij. k 1 
 
«■' 
 
 281 
 
 Tin-; SKASON-TICKET. 
 
 ^ 
 
 t, t 
 
 1} 
 
 1)0 wrote liko ilio Pope's allociiilons in Latin, but it's a 
 l\nowl(Mlp;'C of mon and thin.Q,'s that is rotiuircd. It's not 
 (lead laTi.L!,'ua,L;'es, but living' ones that's want(Ml. Ask tlic 
 licad Secretary Avliat tlie ])rinci|)al export of Canada is, 
 and it's as like as not h{\ will refer you to the lioard cf 
 Trade, as it is more in their line than his, and if you <;o 
 there, and ])nt the same (question, it's an even chancc! if 
 tiiey don't tell you they arc so busy in botherin*;" ship- 
 owners with surv(\ys, and holding* courts of inquiry, to 
 make owners liable to i)asseng-ers for accidents, and 
 what not, that they haven't time to be pestered with 
 you. AVcll, don't be discouraged, go back to Colonial 
 Ollice, and try it again. Sais you to head cl(ii<, 
 "What's the principal Canadian export?" "I don't 
 know any of that name," he'll say ; " there are so nuuiy 
 ports there, but I should say (^ucibec. " No," sais you, 
 *' not that, but what's the (;hief connnodity or production 
 they send to (ire.at Britain?" "Oh, now I iuid(3rstan(l," 
 lie'U say, "it's timber, you ought to know that, for we 
 have had trouble enough about lumber duties lately." 
 " Well, what kind of timber?" says you, " S(]uarcd, or 
 manufactured, hard or soft wood, which is the most 
 valuable, white, or black Birch, Ilendock or Larch, 
 Cedar, or Spruce; which wood makes the best trenails, 
 and which the best knees for a ship?" Well, I'll take 
 you a bet of a hundred dollars he can't tell you. 
 " Then," says you, " which is the best flour, Canadian or 
 American? which keeps sweet the longest? and what is 
 the cause of the difference? Have they any iron ore 
 there? if so, where is it, and how is it smelted? with 
 pit or charred coal ? and which makes the best article ! 
 Well the goncy will stare like a scallawag that has seen 
 the elephant, see if he don't ! Now, go into any shop 
 you like in London, from Storr and Mortimer's down to 
 the penny bazaar, and see if the counterskippers in 'em 
 don't know the name, quality, and price of everything 
 they have. Let me just ask you, then, is it right that a 
 national office like that should be w^orse served and 
 attended to than them, and be no better than a hurrah's 
 pest ? They have little to do, arc well paid, and ou^dit 
 
 
COLONIAL AND ^LViniMONIAL ALLLVXCES. 
 
 285 
 
 hilt, it's a 
 
 , It's lUtl 
 
 Ask tlic 
 Canada is, 
 lioard <ii" 
 if you <;■() 
 I chaiico if 
 rin<;' sliip- 
 iquiry, to 
 Iciits, and 
 ;cred with 
 o Colonial 
 cad cl( ii\, 
 "I don't 
 so many 
 ' sais yon, 
 prod uc'ti< til 
 donstand," 
 lit, for we 
 es lately." 
 jiiarcd, Of 
 the most 
 or Larcli, 
 t troiiails, 
 I, I'll take 
 tell you. 
 anadiau or 
 d what is 
 y iron oro 
 cd? witli 
 st article .^ 
 ,t has seen 
 any shop 
 I down to 
 crs in 'cm 
 sverything- 
 ^ht that a 
 ;rved and 
 a hurrah's 
 lud ought 
 
 to know Koniethiiig- more than how to fold foolscap noat, 
 to write a hand as tall as a wire fence, six or seven 
 liurdles to a ])a;^*e, tic it U)) snug" with red tape, cneloso 
 it in a larg'e envelope, mark it "On Jler Majesty's Ser- 
 vice," and then clap a g^reat olTie(; seal to it as big as a 
 Mexican dollar, to make it look important.* 
 
 ' The English regard this Colonial Minister as my 
 sister Urania did her husband. She was as splendid a 
 critter as you ever see, at eighteen or twenty, a rael 
 corn-fed, hearty-looking- g-all. Well, she was nncomnioii 
 dainty, and plaguy hard to please, and she flirted here, 
 and jilted there, until she kinder overstood her market. 
 A rose don't last for ever, that's a fact. It is lovely 
 Avhen in the bud, or expandin', or in bloom, or even full- 
 blown ; but there is a time for perfection and decay, lliat 
 can't be postponed, no how you can fix it; the colour 
 
 * Tho followini:^ is the langua,G:c of a French Canaili;ui, 
 JFr. rothicr, as reported by Dr. liigsby hi his ' iShoc and Canoe,' 
 vol. i. page 'Jn-l : — 
 
 ' I concede that the Colonial Office means well, hnt its good 
 intentions arc marred by ignorance. Vour ollioe ])eople know 
 nothing abont us, and mismanage iis, as they do all the other 
 colonies. They seem to have neither sunlight nor starlight to 
 guide them. We have had a hundred incontestable proofs of this. 
 "What good can an overtasked man, ^3,UU0 miles off, do in my 
 country.' What does he know of its wants, modified by climate, 
 customs, and i)rejudiees, as well as by a thousand points in statistics 
 and topography, distracted as he is with the cries ol'/orti/-two other 
 colonies'! These things arc only known to him in the rough, ilc 
 can direct and advise on general grounds alone, and, therefore, too 
 often erroneously. Besides, he is like one of your churchwardens, 
 only a temjorary officer, lie fears to meddle, and leaves the grief 
 to grow. If we have a sensible, useful Colonial i\linistcr to-day ho 
 is lost to-morrow, and avo may have in his place an idle and ill- 
 informed, or a speculative, hair-splitting, specious man to deal 
 with, never feeding safe, and sometimes driven half-mad by his fatal 
 crotchets. Tho blunders committed at home ])ervade all depart- 
 ments. The Lords of the Admiralty send water-tanks for sliipg 
 sailing on a lake of the punst Avatcr in the world. The Ordnance 
 Office (or some such place) send cannon to be transported from 
 Quebec into the upper country in winter, one gun costing l,7fi{J'' 
 to take it to Kingston, where, by-thc-by, it never arrived, for it lies 
 to this day in the woods, ten miles short of its destination.' 
 
 
28G 
 
 TllK SKASON-TICKKT. 
 
 ^#^ 
 
 \y\\\ f;i(l(', or WMsIi out ill the siimincr showers, niid tl.<'fi 
 il: will (Iroiij) willi (lie wci^i^iil, ol' ils own bcaiily, ami llic 
 wind will (l('pi'iv(» it, from (iiM(> to time, oi" a leaf, (ill its 
 Hi/0 and j)ro|)oi'tioii is dwindled to a mere atomy; if not 
 ]>lnekcd at tlio ri';lit timo it's never g-atliered at all. 
 There it hang's piiriii' on tlie jjarenfc stock, Avhile 
 yonnr^er, and fresher, and more attractive ones are 
 chosen ])y fellers to j)nt into their bnzznins in prefereneij 
 to it, Ihid, in its day was lar sw(K'ter and lovelier tliati 
 any of them. 'JMi;it was jnst the case with "iJainy;" 
 she woke up one line morning' ar.ter the marriage of her 
 yonngest iii(^ce, and found she was an old maid, and no 
 mistake. Iter vanity and hvv glass had been deceivin' 
 her for ever so long, without her knowing it, and makin' 
 her believe that some false curls she wore looked so 
 uateral, no soul could tell they weren't her own; that 
 the little artillcial colour she gave to her cheek with a 
 camel's hair brush, was more dtjlicate and more lovely 
 than the glow of youth, and that the dtjntist had 
 improved a mouth that had always been mirivalled. 
 
 * Well, to my mind, looking-glasses are the greatest 
 enemies ladies have; they ought all to be broken to 
 everlastin' smash. It isn't that they are false, for they 
 ain't; they will reflect the truth if they are allowed. 
 But, unfortunatel}", truth never looks into them. When 
 a woman consults her glass, she Avishes to be j)lease(l, 
 she wants to be llattered, and to be put on good terms 
 with herself, so she treats it as she would her lover; 
 she goes up to it all smiles, looking as amiable, and an 
 beautiful as she can. She assumes the most wiiming 
 air; she gazes at the image with jdl the affection sli(3 
 can call up, lu^r eyes beam with intelligence and with 
 love, and her hps appear all a woman could wish, or a 
 man covet. Well, in course the mirror gives back 
 that false face to its owner, as it receives it ; it ain't fair, 
 therefore, to blame it for being onfaithful; but as 
 ladies can't use it without deceivin' of themselves, why 
 total abstinence from it would be better. Now, people 
 may deceive themselves if they have a mind to, but they 
 can't go on for ever. Time will tell tales. "Whatever 
 
 .^^ 
 
COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCKS. 
 
 287 
 
 yoar fi ^'iill is bnni in, slio has contcniporarics ; -wlicii 
 hIic looks at tliciii and sees tliat tlicy arc a;^'('iii<:;, or tlio 
 wors(! for w(Nir, slio tries to hmmII IIk! days of iicr youlli, 
 and finds lliat they •'ii"<' l'>st in tlio distances a!»d wlicn 
 sli(! sees licr scliool-i'cllows and [)layniatcs married and 
 jtareids tlienisclvos, all tin; glassc^s in the world fail at. 
 last to make her believe she is still yonn;^;. 
 
 * Well, the marria^'^e of her niece startk'd Urania, as a 
 shadow does a skittish horse. She left the deep waters 
 where tli(^ bi'Ji' lish si)ort tliemselves, and threw her line 
 into the shallow eddi(»s where the minnows are, and slu^ 
 lujoked little Tim Dooly, a tommy cod of a fellow, that 
 was only lit for a bait for som(>thin;j: ])i^',!2,'(>r and better. 
 It was impossible to look at the critter without laug-h- 
 injL^. Poor thing*, it was hard work to fetch her up to 
 the scratch at last, it actilly took three ministers and six 
 bridesmaids to marry her. She felt she had made a 
 losiu' voyag-c in life, but she was clear grit, it didn't 
 humble her one mito or mossel, it only madi3 her more 
 Hcorny than ever, as if she defied all the world, and 
 despised what it could say. I could sec a motion in her 
 throat now and then, as if she bit in herbre.ath and swal- 
 lowed her pride down. She actilly h(>ld her head so hi^^di, 
 when the minister said to Dooly, " Salute your bridi^" 
 that the critter looked up in despair, for he couldn't 
 reach her lips. Sais T, out of deviltry, " Stand on a chair, 
 Tim." Lord! if you had seen her eyes, how they flashed 
 lire at me, it would have astonished you, I know. A.^'e 
 hadn't (juenched tliaf^ at any rate. To ])revent folks 
 from noticing" how undersized he was, she just bent 
 down forward and Idssed him. Tlnnks I to myself, 
 "Old fellow, you have had all the condescension you 
 will ever g^ct out of her, she has stooped to marry you, 
 and then stooped for you to salute her, after this, look 
 out for squalls, for there is a tcmpestical time afore 
 you." And so it turned out; he soon larned what it 
 Avas to live in a house where the hen crows. "Kainy," 
 says I to her one day, when she had been g-ivin' him a 
 blowin' up, and was sending- him off on some arrand or 
 another, (for she treated him, poor wretch, as if he had 
 
 i 
 
 i 
 
■^iisssamm 
 
 288 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 rt 
 
 
 . 
 
 been the cause of all her disappointments, instead of tlio 
 plaistcr to lieal them), " Rainy," sais I, " I always told 
 you you carried too stiff an upper lip, and that you 
 would have to take a crooked stick at last." '• Well," 
 says she, "Eph, he ain't the tallest and richest husband 
 in the world, but he is a, peoiveifnl sight better than noiieJ' 
 Now the English seem to estimate the officer I am 
 spealving of the same way ; they think if he ain't what 
 lie ought to be, he is better than none. But, unfortu- 
 nately, colonists think just the reverse, and say that it is 
 far better to have none at all, than an incompetent one, 
 and to tell you the truth, I think so too.' 
 
 * What remedy do you propose, Mr. Peabody ?' I said ; 
 ' what substitute Avould you recommend for the present 
 establishment?' 
 
 * Well,' he rcphed, ' it is a matter that don't concarn 
 me, and I have veflected but little upon it ; but I should 
 say the department should consist of a board wholly 
 composed of native colonists or persons who bad resided 
 in some one of the provinces for a period of not less 
 than fifteen or twenty years. It would not mach signify 
 then how often they changed the minister, or wdio ho 
 was ; the main thing is, tlic work would be done, and 
 done right too. Ilowsomcver, I must say this arrange- 
 ment is nobody's fault now, except for allowing it to 
 exist any longer. It's an " old institution," that was 
 well enough lifty years ago, when col-onies were like 
 children in leading-strings, but it ain't up to the time of 
 day now, and ought to bo reformed out.' 
 
 'That is! quite true,' rejoined the Senator; *if public 
 attention was once drawn to its inefficiency, no doubt a 
 suitable remedy would soon be found for the evil. It is 
 the duty as well as the true pohcy of the British Govern- 
 ment, to take the subject into its serious consideration. 
 For what vast interests are at stake, and wdiat a nobler 
 heritage is British North America ! It extends in length 
 from Gape Sable, in Nova Scotia, to the Russian bound- 
 ary in the Arctic regions, and across the entire Conti- 
 nent, from the Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean, and embraces 
 an area of greater extent than all Europe. The remarks 
 
COLONIAL AND JIATRIJION'TAL ALLIAKCKS. 
 
 280 
 
 istcad of tlio 
 always told 
 id that you 
 ;." "Well," 
 icst husband 
 r than none." 
 ofEccr I am 
 c am't what 
 kit, imfortu- 
 say that it is 
 npetent one, 
 
 )dy?' I said; 
 the present 
 
 ion't concarn 
 but I should 
 card wholly 
 ) had resided 
 I of not less 
 ndch sig-nify 
 or who he 
 )G done, and 
 his arrange- 
 lowing it to 
 " that was 
 es were like 
 ) the time of 
 
 :; *if public 
 no doubt a 
 3 evil. It is 
 tish Govern- 
 Dnsideration. 
 diat a nobl(3 
 ids in length 
 sian bound- 
 mtire Conti- 
 ,nd embraces 
 The remarks 
 
 I made to you on a former occasion, upon the extVii* 
 ordinary facilities for inland navigation enjoyed by 
 Canada, by means of her enormous lakes and numerous 
 rivers, are equally ap))licablo to the lower provinces. 
 New Brunswick', as you will see, by reference to a map, 
 is intersected in every direction by navigable rivers of 
 great magnitude. The St. John, which in size and 
 beauty rivals the Rhine, is more than four hundred and 
 fifty miles in length, and drains nine milhons of acres in 
 that province, besides nearly an equal number in the 
 state of Maine and Canada, into both of which it extends 
 to a great distance. The eastern coast is penetrated at 
 short intervals by other rivers, var^dng from two to 
 three hundred miLo in length, which afford facilites for 
 settlement as well as commerce, unequalled by any other 
 portion of the continent beyond the English territories. 
 In like manner, there is no point in IS" ova Scotia more 
 than thirty miles distant from navigable water. Tho 
 whole of the borders of the latter province, and more 
 than two-thirds of those of the former, are washed by 
 the ocean, wdiich in that region furnishes one of tho 
 most extensive and valuable fisheries in tho world. 
 Nova Scotia abounds with coal, iron ore, gypsum, 
 grindstone, slate, lead, manganese, plumbago, copper, 
 &c., which being recently liberated from the monopoly 
 under which they have so long been excluded from 
 public competition, will soon attract tho capital and 
 sldll requisite for their development. It is the most 
 eastern part of America, and of course the nearest to 
 Europe. It is not too much to say that its wonderful 
 mineral wealth, its noble harbours, its fertile soil, its 
 extensive fisheries, its w^ater powers, its temperate 
 chmate, arising from its insular position, and last, not 
 least, its possession of the winter outlet, and through 
 passage by rairvay, from England to New Brunswick, 
 Canada, and the United States, all indicate that it is 
 destined for ai. extended commerce, for the seat of 
 manufactories, the support of a large population, and 
 for wielding a controlling power on the American Conti- 
 nent. Assuredly it ou^'lit to be the object of gover._ • 
 
 u 
 
 ii. 
 
 '1 
 
 K» 
 
290 
 
 THE SKASON-TICKET. 
 
 wU ■ *■•■ 
 
 mcnt to draw tog'ctlicv in more intimate bonds of con- 
 iioxion the two countries, to remove distrust, to assimi- 
 late interests, to combine the raw material of the new, 
 with the manufacturing skill of the old world, to enlarge 
 the boundaries, to widen the foundati* .is, to strengthen 
 the constitution, and to add to the grandeur of the 
 empire.' 
 
 ' Ah !' said Peabody, ' it ought to be their object, but 
 it ain't ! and arter all, English meddhn won't be no great 
 loss, I can tell you. I don't think colonists will go into 
 mourning for that, even if the Lord Chamberlain sliould 
 order it. But I'll tell you what ivas a loss : you missed 
 having that most religious and respectable body of 
 peo[)le — the Mormons, as settlers. You know that wlicu 
 they got a clearance ticket sarved on 'em at Nauvoo, 
 and Joe kSmitli was shot by the brothers and husbands 
 of his forty wives, they intended to vamoose the United 
 States hi toto, to migrate to Vancouver's Island and 
 settle there. But thinkin' the English law agin bigainv 
 might reach 'em some day or another, they squatted at 
 Salt Lake, in Mexican territory; for they knew they 
 had notlien +o fear from the degenerate race of half- 
 Spanish, ha lian critters that owned it. Well, as 
 bad luck won. i...*'^^ it, after our war with that counlry, 
 Salt Valley was ceded to us as part of California, and 
 the poor critters were boundaried un ""er Uncle Sam agin 
 after all. Yes, I wish they had gone to Vancouver, I 
 should like to have seen what you would have done 
 with them, with your new-fangled divorce courts. It's 
 a great experiment that, Mr. Shegog', to try polygamy 
 out fairly in all its bearings, and see how it works, not 
 arter Turkish fashion, locking of the wives up, and 
 coverin' of their faces with veils, but arter Anglo-Saxon 
 way, making free nig'gers of 'em all. Utah is a place to 
 study human natur in, I can tell you. It's what the 
 professor hero calls a " new phase of life," where a man 
 and his ten or a dozen wives, each with a lot of children 
 at their heels, all hve together in the same locatior., like 
 a rooster with his hens and chickens in the same poultry- 
 yard. For my part I have always thought one Avife v/as 
 
 ipI 
 tri 
 1 
 
 ^\l 
 
 al 
 
 Tf 
 
 til 
 
 m 
 
 ai 
 
 (1(1 
 
 IkL 
 
 Ik 
 
 I . 
 
COLONIAL AND ^lATRDIONIAL ALLIANCES. 
 
 201 
 
 'onds of con- 
 it, to assimi- 
 t of the new, 
 tl, to ciilargo 
 
 streno'tlieu 
 Ldeur of tlio 
 
 1- object, but 
 
 . be no gTCiit 
 
 will g-o into 
 
 3rlain slioukl 
 
 you missed 
 jIo body of 
 IV that wlieii 
 
 at Nauvod, 
 id Imsbands 
 ! the Ujiited 
 
 Island and 
 ig'in big-amy 
 .squatted ;it 
 knew they 
 ICC of half- 
 Well, as 
 at counlry, 
 ifornia, and 
 e Sam ag-iu 
 ancouver, I 
 have done 
 3urts. It's 
 
 potygamy 
 works, noc 
 up, and 
 iglo-Saxon 
 
 1 a place to 
 what the 
 
 icre a man 
 of children 
 ation, like 
 le poultry- 
 3 ^yilLe v/as 
 
 t'i«cr.2,'U foi- any man to manage ; and I have seen so 
 many poor fellows have the tables turned on 'em in n:a- 
 triniony, and get lassoed and tantooncd themselves, that 
 I have always been rather skeered to try the yoke myself. 
 "Whenever I see a poor fellow going to get spliced, i^ 
 always puts me in mind of a goney I met at Madam 
 Toosore's exhibition to London. There was a guillotine 
 tlierc in the room of horrors, and a younker examined it 
 most attentively, and after walking round and round it, 
 and looking up at the knife and down on the block, what 
 does he do but kneel down and put his head into tho 
 liole to try how it fitted, when he caught a ghmpse, as 
 he turned round, of the bright edge of the cleaver that 
 was hanging right over him, suspended only by a string, 
 [ind just ready to do the job for him. Well he was 
 afraid to move for fear of slipping the string, and letting 
 the cutter down by the run. The way he shrieked ain't 
 no matter, it was the naterallest thing- in the world, and 
 80 was the way he called for help. There was a crowd 
 round him in no time. You never see such a stir as it 
 made, for in a general way it's a stupid place +''at, willi 
 ])eople going about as silent as if they were among tho 
 (load; but this set everybody a-talking all at once. 
 Tluy thought it was i)art of the show, and that he acted 
 his part beautiful, just as a body really would if he was 
 going to be beheaded in airnest. So nobody thought of 
 helping him, but let him screech on as if he was paid for 
 it, till at last one of the attendants came runnin' up — 
 secured the knife — got him out, and was beginning to 
 ])itch into him, when the fellow saved him the troubk^ 
 by fainting. I don't like putthi' my head into dangerous 
 gear like that, without a chance of backing out again if 
 1 don't like the collar, I can tell you. I actilly couldn't 
 get Mormon marriages out of my head, so I went all tho 
 Avay to Utah to sec how the new scheme worked. 
 Nothen ever raised my curiosity like polygamy, I couldn't 
 see my w^ay through it at all, though, in a general way, 
 I must say (though, perhaps, it don't become me to 
 boast of it), that I can sec through a hole in a grind- 
 yionCj as far as Imn that picks it, 
 
 u 2 
 
 
 »^ 
 
292 
 
 TUE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 I 
 
 ■ACflK" 
 
 *AVill thoro bo peace or war in tlio wi^wnm? pais T. 
 I can understand a man bigamying", but 1 don't jist S(.*o 
 liow it convenes to women. VVill tliey all turn to, and 
 court their husbands, and try to be loved best in return, 
 each strivin' to outdo the other, or will they fight and 
 scratch like cats ? AVill they take it in turn to be queen, 
 and then be subjects (as fellows do when campin' out in 
 timber land, in the State of jNIaine, when each one cooks 
 in rotation, and attends on the rest), or will each have 
 her separate task, one to wash, anotlier to bake, one to 
 do housework, and another to make and mend ; or this 
 one to tend the children, and that the dairy and poultry, 
 and soon? Will the husband set their tasks, or Avill 
 they choose for themselves? And will they fight over 
 the choice, or take work in succession order ? When a 
 new wife is taken what sort of a thing is the wedding, 
 are the other wives invited to it, and is it a jollification 
 or a mournin' time? Or does it go by default, hko old 
 Sam Arbuckle's marriage ? 
 
 ' I must tell you that story, for it is a fact, I assure 
 you. lie was the nigger butler to my brother, the 
 member to Congress for Virginny. lie had permission 
 to spouse Milken Sally, a slave on another plantation. 
 A night was fixed for the ceremony, the company 
 assembled, and the coloured preacher there to tie the 
 nuptial knot. Well, they waited and waited for ever 
 so long, but the bride didn't make her appearance. At 
 last Sam grew impatient, so sais he to the preacher, 
 "Look here, Broder CulUfer, it's no use waitin' for tliut 
 darkey, I knows her like a book, she's dropped asle('[) 
 setting fore de fire — I'se authorized to speak for her, s( » 
 jest go ahead jest the same as if she was here.' Olil 
 CuUifer thought it a wise suggestion and proceeded with 
 the service that united them in the holy bonds of matri- 
 mony. When the ceremony Avas over off started the 
 bridegroom, in search of the absent bride, and sure 
 enough when he reached her cabin there he found her 
 fast asleep by the fire, with some of her finery in her 
 hands ; and she was terribly riled when she heard the 
 wedding had come off, and she was not there. 
 
 .J; .^ 
 
COLONIAL AND MATimiONLVL ALLIANCES. 
 
 295 
 
 * Now, sais I to myself, docs it go by default artor 
 tliat fatsliion? or liow is it manap^od? for it don't app(!ur 
 U) liio to stand to tlio natur of tilings, much less to the 
 iiiitnr of women, that this sort of domestic arrangement 
 can 1)0 just the most cheerfnl affair in the world. S(j I 
 concluded, as 1 had nothen above particuhir to do, I'd go 
 niid take a look at tlic harems, and judge for myself. 
 First of all I made for Nauvoo, where 1 wanted to sec 
 what sort of a city tliey had built for tluunselvcs, and 
 to look at the ruins of tlieir celebrated temple. It was 
 there I first made acquaintance Avith our friend here, who 
 was bound on the same errand ; and I'll tell you what, 
 Mr. Shegog' — (and he gave me one of those sly winks 
 that indicated he intended to excite and draw out the 
 Senator) — 'I must say that their founder. General Joe 
 Smith, who was so barbarously nmrdered by the Gentiles, 
 was a great man, and no mistake ; and if not a prophet, 
 assuredly one of the best of men that ever lived on the 
 face of the airth.' 
 
 Here the Senator turned round and regarded him with 
 a look of the most unfeigned astonishment; but he con- 
 tinued his panegyric with the utmost gravity. 
 
 ' Eveiybody admitted his wonderful ability, as the 
 editor of a paper called the I'imes said — (I don't mean 
 the English Times ; catch that paper praisin' a distin- 
 guished American; no, not it, but a local paper of that 
 name) — " Without learning," saj's he, without means 
 and without experience, he has met a learned world, a 
 rich century, a hard-hearted and wicked generation, with 
 truth that could not be resisted, facts that could not be 
 disproved, revelations that could not be gainsaid or 
 evaded ; but, like the rays of light from the sun, they 
 have tinged everything they ht upon with a lustre and 
 livery which has animated, quickened, and adorned 
 them I " That's what I call a great picture, sir, drawn 
 by a great artist.' 
 
 'I am perfectly astonished to hear you talk that way,* 
 said the Senator. 'He was a vile impostor, in whom 
 cunning supplied the place of talent, and hypocrisy that 
 of true rchgious feeling. A proficient in roguery of all 
 
 
 IIH< 
 
vaiMo wwMbjJHMhMHfai 
 
 201 
 
 THE SEASOX-TICKET. 
 
 
 kiiifls from lils youth, lie was early liistructcil, aiul -vvoll 
 skilled in practitsiiig upon the incrednliiy of llio ig'uorant ; 
 and a popuhir manner, joined to a certain llueruy of 
 spcecl), enabled him to obtain a great influence over his 
 liearers. To these ])owers he owed his asceiidaiuy 
 among" his confidential associates in this wonderful im- 
 posture, who were men of more ability, but less 1;ict 
 and personal popnlarity than himself. It was in this 
 way, that his very ignorance operated in his favour, for 
 the language of a manuscript of a deceased author, 
 wdiicli he had surrej^titiously obtained, and palmed off 
 successfully- on the public as a revelation, was so much 
 above what an unlearned man Hke himself could possiiily 
 liavc wiitten, that it is no Avonder that his dupes could 
 only account for it, by attributing it to inspiration. 
 You must recollect that among- the many thousands of 
 liis followers, there was not one man of character or 
 education. Mormonism is the grossest and most bare- 
 faced imposition of modern times. It was founded on 
 folly and fraud; sustained by robbery and murder; and, 
 under the sanction of a pretended revelation, it autho- 
 rised and encouraged every species of licentiousness. It 
 is too disgusting even for a topic of conversation. If 
 Smith had been a good man, he never would have been ^ 
 the author of such a system; and if he had been a man 
 of talent, he would have moulded it into such a shajK^ as 
 not to shock the moral feelings of all mankind.' 
 
 'Well, Senator,' said Peabody, 'you may undervall y 
 him as you please, but the world won't agree with you, 
 at any rate. I should like to know, now, if there is !i 
 man in Congress that could reply to Clay in such 
 withering and eloquent language as he did? Why, 
 there is nothing in Elegant Extracts e(pial to it; it's 
 sublime,' and putting himself into a theatrical attitude, 
 lie repeated with great animation the passage referred 
 to : — " Your conduct, sir, resembles a lottery-vender's 
 sign, with the goddess of good-luck sitting on the car of 
 fortune, astraddle of the horn of plenty, and driving the 
 merry steeds of beatitude without rein or bridle. Crape 
 the heavens with weeds of woe, gird the earth wilh 
 
 t 
 
COLONIAL AND 3LVTUIM0NLVL ALLLVNCKS. 
 
 295 
 
 tlioigTioraiit; 
 in lluericv (,r 
 ciicc over liis 
 ascciulaiKy 
 N'oiiderfiil ini- 
 but less tact 
 ^^vas iii this 
 lis favour, for 
 ascd author, 
 id palmed off 
 was so miicli 
 jouldpos.sihiy 
 s dupes could 
 3 inspiration, 
 thousands of 
 character or 
 id most barc- 
 3 founded on 
 murder; and, 
 ion, it autlio- 
 tiousness. Jt 
 rersation. If 
 dd have been 
 1 been a man 
 ch a shape as 
 ind.' 
 
 y uiidorvally 
 eo with yoi'i, 
 if there is a 
 /lay in such 
 :lid ? Wliy, 
 al to it; it's 
 ical attitude, 
 jag'c referral 
 ery-vcnder's 
 on the car of 
 I driving' the 
 ridle. Cra])e 
 earth Avith 
 
 Siickclotli, and let hell mutter one melody iu coirimemo- 
 ration of fallen splcMidour. W^iiy, sir, thi^ condititHi of 
 tli(^ whole eartii is lamentable. Texas dreads tlic; teeth 
 and toe-nails of IMexico ; Oreg'on has tiie rlieumatism, 
 broug'ht on l)y a horrid exposure to tlie lu^it and eoM 
 of J')ritish and American trap[)(M-s ; Canada has cauglit :t 
 bad cold from extreme fatigue in the patriot war; South 
 America has the headache, caused by bumps against tin; 
 beams of Catholicity and Spanish sovereignty; Spain 
 has the gripes, from age and impiisition ; Franco 
 tnmibles and wastes under the effects of contagious 
 diseases; England groans with the gout, and wriggh-s 
 with wine; Italy and the German States arc pah; with 
 consumption ; Prussia, Poland, and the little contiguous 
 dynasties have the mumps so severely that the whok) 
 head is sick, and the whole heart is faint; Russia has 
 the cramp by lineage ; Turkey has the numb palsy ; 
 Africa, from the curse of Cod, has lost the use of her 
 limbs ; China is ruined by the Queen's evil ; the Indians 
 are blind and lame; and the tJnited States, wliich ought 
 to be the good physician with balm from Gilead, and 
 an asjilum for the oppressed,, has boosted, and is boosting 
 up into tlic council-chamber of the government a clique 
 of political gamblers, to play for the old clothes and old 
 yhoes of a sick world, and ' no jiledge no promise to anjf 
 particular portion ofthepe 'c ' that the rightful heirs will 
 ever receive a cent of their father's legacy." Is it any 
 wonder, sir, that a man who could talk it into people 
 that way, could draw converts from the remotest parts 
 of the earth?' 
 
 * The language,' replied the Senator, very coolly, 'is 
 well suited for a grog-shop, where, no doubt, it would 
 pass for eloquence, nothing could possibly be better 
 adapted to his audience. Ah, Mr. Sliegog*,' he con- 
 tinued, ' I shall never forget the journey my friend and I 
 took to Utah. As a member of Congress I was anxious 
 to ascertain the true state of things at Salt Lake, by a 
 personal examination, and also to inform myself of the 
 condition and prospects of my countrym(3n in Cidi- 
 fornia, which promised to become one of the most 
 
fbc 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKEt. 
 
 important States in the Union. With this view I pro- 
 cccdcd to Missouri, to aviiil myself of tlic escort and 
 protection of the lirst band of emig^rants bound for those) 
 places. From St. Louis, whence we started, the dis- 
 tance to Utah, via Council ]51uffs, is more than sixteeu 
 liundred miles. The route passes over vast rolling 
 prairies, uidjridgcd rivers, and hills, mud-flats, mountain 
 ranges, and deep and precipitous ravines. The line of 
 march was unhappily too well defined over these inter- 
 minable plains for travellers to lose themselves in their 
 unvarying and boundless expanse. So numerous and 
 so frecjuent had been the caravans of emigrants, that 
 had ci'ossed this desert, that they had left melancholy 
 traces behind them, of the sorrows, accidents, and mis- 
 fortunes that had befallen them on their journeys. The 
 track is marked by broken waggons, fragments of fur- 
 niture, agricultural implements, cast-iron ware, and the 
 bleached skeletons of oxen and mules, that have died 
 miserably by the way, while unturfed mounds, of various 
 sizes, afforded melancholy proof of the mortality that 
 had attended the exodus of this deluded people. Some 
 of them had been robbed of their contents by the wolves, 
 and hmnan bones lay scattered about on the short brown 
 grass. The warning thus inculcated had evidently not 
 been lost upon succeeding travellers, for I observed that 
 some of the more recent graves were protected with 
 heaps of stones, broken Avheels of carriages, and other 
 heavy substances. The train with which we travelled 
 did not escape similar casualties, for several women and 
 children, victims to fatigue and exposure to the weather, 
 •were added to the number of the dead that reposed in 
 that wild and dreary prairie. The buffalo hunts, the 
 Indian encounters, the bivouacs, and the exhilaration of 
 spirits caused by constant motion, were not new to me, 
 who am so famihar with life in the North-west, and I 
 was not a little pleased when the long and tedious 
 journey ended, more especially as I knew that another, 
 and no less fatiguing one, awaited me between Utah 
 and San Francisco. 
 * The first glimpse we got of this far-famed Mormon 
 
COLONIAL AND MATRDIOXL^L ALLIANCES. 
 
 297 
 
 view T pro- 
 escort and 
 id for tlioso 
 tl, the dis- 
 lan sixteen 
 'ast rollinp^ 
 ?, mountain 
 The lino of 
 these intcr- 
 es in their 
 nerous and 
 rants, that 
 melancholy 
 3, and mis- 
 'neys. The 
 !nts of fnr- 
 re, and the 
 have died 
 , of varions 
 tality that 
 pie. Some 
 ;he "wolves, 
 hort brown 
 dently not 
 erved that 
 3cted with 
 and other 
 travelled 
 *^omen and 
 e weather, 
 reposed in 
 lunts, the 
 aration of 
 ew to me, 
 est, and I 
 d tedious 
 another, 
 een Utah 
 
 , Mormon 
 
 
 valley from the Wahsach momitain, eight thousand feet 
 al)Ovc the level of the sea, was the signal for great 
 rejoicings to our wearied and wayworn travellers. The 
 women wept and the men shouted for joy at having 
 reached the termination of their tedious journey. My 
 first impression was one of sadness and disai)pointment. 
 The distant prospect on whicli the eye naturally rn\st 
 rested, embraced a wild, desolate, and dreary country, 
 and its loneliness, its silence, and its total isolation from 
 the rest of the civilized world, filled me with awe when 
 I regarded it as the voluntary prison of so many 
 thousands of deluded human beings. Environed on 
 every side by lofty mc ntains, lay the vast plain which 
 the saints had selected as their home in the desert. Tiie 
 great Salt Lake, so far as we could ascertain, extends 
 130 miles in length, and from 70 to 80 in breadth, lying 
 far away in the midst of a waste, uncultivated, and 
 monotonous plain, suggesting the idea of the Dead Sea 
 and its melancholy and desolate shores. Withdrawing 
 our view from the distant scene, to tluit lying more im- 
 mediately before us, and which, from the great elevation 
 of our })osition, we had at first overlooked, we found that 
 it fully e<|ualled in beauty the description ^\o had had of 
 it. Beneath our feet, as it w^ere, lay the object of our 
 visit, Utah, the Babel of the wx'stcrn world. We could 
 look dow^n upon it as on a map spread upon a table. It 
 was laid out on a magnificent scale, being nearly four 
 miles in length and three in breadth, surrounded by a 
 wall twelve feet high, defended by semi-bastions, within 
 half musket-range, and also protected by a wide, deep 
 ditch. This enormous work w\as constructed nominally 
 as a protection against the hordes of savages by whom 
 they were surrounded, but in reality against the only 
 formidable enemy they had to fear — the idleness of the 
 people. 
 
 ' The streets were 120 feet wide, and the sidcpaths, 
 20. A mountain stream, whicli originally ran through 
 the town, was distributed b}' conduits so as to irrigate 
 every garden and supply every house ; and as the build- 
 ings were placed twenty feet back from the Hnc of the 
 
 
 !( '!• 
 
i 
 
 i*- 
 
 298 
 
 tllK SEASON-TICKKT. 
 
 Ktrocl, .'ijul llio intervening^ Hpf\ce was planted willi 
 slinibs, the g-eneral effect was very a.^'reeable. At all 
 (wents, it made a favonrabk; impression npon us wlim 
 cmerfji-inp^from the boundless desert over whose unvaried 
 Hurface we had been jounicyin.i;' so ]<mii; and so wearily. 
 TIk; site selected for the city is certainly most beautiful, 
 lying' as it does at the foot of the W.'disach mountain, 
 whose snow-clad snnnnit is lost in the clouds. It is 
 washed on the west by the waters of the Jordan, and on 
 the southern bounded by a broad, level plain, extending- 
 to a distance of t wcnty.fi vc miles, and well- watered by 
 numerous streams. This city is certainly one of the 
 most extraordinary instances to be found in the aimals 
 of the world of what human perseverance and industry 
 can effect when stimulated by fanaticism. It is una])- 
 ])roachable from any civilized community, unless by a 
 tlilTicult and laborious journey of nearly a thousand niih.'s. 
 In a severe winter it is wholly inaccessible, and the cost 
 of the transport of goods far exceeds their original 
 value. To overcome all these difficulties, to erect such 
 a city, and to bring into cultivation such a quantity of 
 land as they have done in so short a time, was to m(3 a 
 source of continued astonishment. I am not going to 
 bore you with an account of my explorations in th(j 
 adjacent country (which, in a scientific point of view, is 
 exceedingly interesting), or to describe Utah, but, as we 
 were talking of polygamy, to give you my opinif)n of 
 its effects upon this community. 
 
 ' Mormon marriages are the most wicked, as well as 
 the most impious, that can be well conceived. They arc 
 twofold, those that are terminated by death, and those 
 that are to continue throughout eternity. The first are 
 ordinary marriages., conducted somewhat in the usual 
 form, but liable to hi} dissolved by mutual consent, upon 
 obtaining the approbation of the authorities. Tlie other 
 is called spiritual ivifeism. This can only be solemnized 
 in the temple, by the high priest m person, or by some 
 one of his associates to whom he specially delegates his 
 authority for that purpose. The forms and ceremonies 
 observed on these occasions, which are conducted Avith 
 
COLOXIAL A\D r^rATRIMOXrAI. AIJJANCi:.^. 
 
 200 
 
 gToat secrecy, mikI iiuiiiy mysferioiis rites, are of llio 
 Tno.st iinposlii.i;' cliaraclei", and well calculated to leave :t 
 lasliri;^- iiii|)ressi()ii 14)011 the mind, while tli(> oaths that. 
 ai<' administered are of a most fearful descri[)tion. In 
 this manner a woman may Ijc married to one; man till 
 (h-alh, and also .svv/Ay/ to another, (as it is c;dled) for all tinu; 
 to come. You have doubtless heard of these [)ractices, 
 for no man who has travelled as much in tlu; United 
 States as you have, lias not been informed of them, 
 therefore I need not enter into details. Hut the effect 
 of all this is inconceivable, it nmst b(; seen, as I 
 have witnessed it, to be fully ap})reciatcd. A polyo-amist 
 has no home and no wife; his women are idlc^ and rebel- 
 lious slaves, they Jire either indifferent to him, or hate 
 and despise him; and his children, adoptin,i;' the com- 
 ])laints of their respective.' mothers, iidierit their hatred 
 of tlu-ir rivals and their offspring*, and their disrespect 
 for him wdiom theyreg'ard as the author of their wrong's, 
 rather than their b(;ing. He grows sullen and severe, 
 cold, selfish, and brutal; his wives sink into mvvi] 
 drudges, or arc intemperate, or dissolute, or both; whil(! 
 the children, profiting- by the bad example constantly set 
 ])efore their eyes by their parents, become early adei)ls 
 in every species of vice. The mortality among thcin, 
 caused by the very nature of this vile institution, is a 
 melancholy proof of the viciousncss of the system. As 
 soon as the males arc old enough to be useful, they arc 
 pot to such work as is suited to their age, and thus the 
 time that should be devoted to their education is occu- 
 pied in earning" their living, while the females, as soon 
 as they arrive at maturity, arc sold for wives to those 
 Avho can afford to offer a suitable price for them.' 
 
 ' Do the W'ives,' I inquired, 'live together in one house, 
 assembling at meals and other occasions like members of 
 the same family, or arc they lodged and maintained in 
 separate dwellings?* 
 
 ' That,' said the Senator, ' is a matter of taste or con- 
 venience : sometimes they occupy detached abodes, but 
 in general they are under the same ror)f.' 
 
 ' Tell you what,' said Pcabody, ' I was present at one 
 
 
 (I !(• 
 
 ■% 
 
 I • 
 
SCO 
 
 THE si: ASOX-TIC K r.T. 
 
 M 
 
 t >.' 
 
 of Ili(! (Irdllcsf, sroiH's T cvov smw in !ill my horn dnys; 
 1 tliiiii,L;lit I slioiiM liuvc (lied a larliii;:,". I Ind^-cd, wImmi 
 I Avas at Utali, witli a UMvv who caiiK! from (yoiiiiccliciit, 
 OIK! Simon l)ral<(' ; I kiiow'd liiin Ioiijl;' aforo Salt Lakt- 
 WiiH ONXM' board of, by a 1oii,q; cliidk, and scimii tliat lio and 
 1 wore old friends, ho took mo in to stay Avitii him, which 
 was f;Toat lu(;k, for llu^ j\rormons, liko \\u) Tni-ks, 
 don't liko stran<;'ors to roo Iho insido of their hai'otns. 
 AV'oll, Sim had livo Aviv(>s, not conntinn^' llio old (mo he 
 l)ron^'ht alonjLi; with him from liorlford, who was a 
 brokon-hoartod lookin criitor, that soomod as if sIk; 
 wonldn't lonn: bo an inomnbranoc* to him. The rest 
 
 all 
 
 d-look 
 
 rollick in h 
 
 I 
 
 were all young*, pcood-iooKing", roiiicKm inissios, as you( 
 Kco ariywhcrc. As far as I conld observe, they a*;'rood 
 umon<j; themselves uncommon well, for neither of them 
 eared a straw about him, or anything,' els(% unless it was 
 the Theatre and tiu; Asseml)ly Rooms, of which they talked 
 to mc for cverlastin. Sim was so overjoyed to see one 
 from his iiativ(! land, and to bo {iblc to talk of old times 
 and old friiMids, that the whisky (which ho drank lik^' 
 water, to drown past recollections or jiainful comparisons) 
 gave him a return of delirium tremens, which I knew 
 lie had had when he was a yowg; man. Well, one nis;ht 
 he broke out all of a sudden, crowinp^ like a cock, and 
 inakinf^ a motion as if he was a flappin of his win^s. 
 lie actilly fancied he was one, and that his wives were 
 hens, and lie would make a dart at 'em to peck tlunu, 
 and bit them like anythinn;'. lie ordered them to go to 
 roost on the garden fence, to put their heads under 
 their wrings, and go to sleep, and the way he hunted 
 and worried them into one corner, and then into another, 
 and bothered and tormented them, was a caution to 
 a dog in a poultry yard. The poor old w^ife, who had 
 gone to bed airly, hearin the noise, put her head in at 
 the door to see what was going on, and begged mo 
 w^ith tears in her eyes to interfere, and keep him from 
 doing mischief. So says I, 
 
 ' " Sim, my old cock, let you and I go out first, and 
 get on the fence to roost, and do you crow your best, 
 . and the hens will soon follow." 
 
COLONIAL AND MATRIMONLVL ALLIAXCKS. 
 
 301 
 
 ' So T takos him into tho pxrdcii, aiul as I ))assocl tlio 
 water l)iitt, 1 tript U|) his heels, aii<l soiiscd liis licad iii» 
 and licld it tlicn? as lonp;' as I dai('(l, jind then h't it up 
 for liiiii to l)r('atlu?, and tlicn in witli it a;4'ain, and so on, 
 till I Hohcred liirii, wiion I toolv liiiu into tiu; iioiisi;, }j;;i\i} 
 liiiii an oi)iat(% and put him to bed. Artor tiiis, \v(! all 
 S(*parated, each to our own kennel, and just as I was a 
 drop{)in off to sleep, I heard u li^ht step on the floor, 
 and a low voice, sayin^jf, "Arc you asleep, Mr. Peabody /" 
 "No," says I, "I ain't; but what in natur is th(i mattiT 
 now, has he broke out ag'iu?" "No, Kph," said th(5 
 ypeaker (and I perceived it was the poor dear old lady), 
 " h(i is quiet now; but I canu; to tell you this is no 
 ]tlace for you. Those youn^' women will get you into 
 trouble ; make an excuse in the morning", and leave this 
 house to-morrow, and don't enter it again, except in 
 company with the Senator," and she was off afore I 
 could thank her. Thinks I, a nod is as good as a wiidc 
 to a blind horse, I was thinkin the same thing myself. 
 Edged tools ain't the safest thing in the world to play 
 with. In the mornin. Senator and 1 joined the caravan 
 f(n* California, and set our hosses heads towards San 
 Traui^esco. 
 
 ' Yes, it is a pity these birds hadn't lighted at Van- 
 couver: most of them came from Wales, and it would 
 have been better if they had returned to their allegiance 
 again. It would give the folks something to do in 
 Downing-strect, and would please yon too.' 
 
 " Please me,' I said, ' pray how could I be interested 
 in the matter? ' 
 
 * Why,' he replied, with a laugh, ' you want to remodel 
 the department here, and they could have taken down 
 their sign, and put up a new one. They might call it 
 a Government Office fov " Colonial and Matrinwnial 
 Alliances." ' 
 
 
802 
 
 THE SKA SON-TICKET. 
 
 II 
 
 No. XII. 
 
 DIG WIGS. 
 
 The Senator liavinp^ expressed a wish to sec the several 
 law courts whicli are now sitting, wo s])ent the morning; 
 in visitinn^ them. lie was more anxious, lie said, to 
 observe their arrang-ements and G;'eneral a])pearanee, tlie 
 demeanour of the jud.q'es, lawyers, and ofticials, and tiio 
 mode in which they discharg-cd tlieir resiiective dutic^s, 
 tlian to study tlie practical working* of the machineiy, 
 for witli tliat he Avas suHficiently familiar. He appeared 
 to be much struck with the small dimensions of tlic 
 apartments in wliich tlie courts were held; witli tlie 
 limited accommodation afforded to the public; the number 
 of the lawyers in attendance when compared to tho 
 audience ; and the little interest the proe(>eding's seemed 
 to excite among' the people at larg'c. Nothing", however, 
 ai^peared to surprise him so much as the concise and 
 lucid manner in which points of law were argued. 
 
 * Ah,' he said, ' I see your lawyers do give the court 
 credit for knowing' something ; I wish ours, would 
 imitate their example. I do not mean to say that thc^ 
 bar in the United States undervalues the legal attain- 
 ments of the judges, for that would be doing injustice 
 to the common sense of the one, and the great learning 
 and ability of the other; but their arguments assuuKi 
 the form of chssertations. They begin at the beginning 
 with fundamental principles that everybody knows and 
 can dispense with hearing', and then trace the law, 
 through all its branches, down to the point at issue, 
 where they ought to have commenced. It is a very 
 tedious and wearisome ]iractice, and much to be lamented. 
 But it is partly the fault of the judges, m not having 
 
BIG WIGS. 
 
 303 
 
 ic several 
 
 the moral courage to clieck it, and partly of the clients, 
 who n(^vcr think their advocates do them justice, 
 unless they exhaust the subject. A pressure of busi- 
 ness and a long* arrear of causes will ultimately convince 
 the former that patience has its limits, wliich, wlien 
 exceeded, it ceases to be a virtue ; and the latter, that 
 long speeches are expensive superfluities that can easily 
 be dispensed with. Lawyers are also much to blamo 
 themselves, in being too pertinacious. I observe that 
 when a judge here interferes in an argument, and 
 expresses a decided opinion, counsel at once bow to his 
 decision, and cease to press him further. 
 
 * There is more state and ceremony observed here than 
 with us, though not more order and decorum. AVc have 
 different modes of manifesting our respect for the ad- 
 ministration of justice. Our people tjstify it by erecting* 
 suitable buildings for the courts ; you, by rolieing vDur 
 judges and lawyers. We might, jierhaps, receive mutual 
 advantage by uniting the practice of both countries.' 
 
 ' AVeh, I don't think so,' said Pcabody. ' I call all 
 that sort of thing tomfoolery. AVliat is the airthly use 
 of those nasty wigs, that are nothin' but a compound of 
 grease and horse-hair? Do you think there is any 
 wisdom hid away in those curls, that a judge can fetch 
 out by scratching', as an Irishman does an evasive answer 
 out of his shaggy, oncombed head ? They look like 
 Chicktaw Indians in council, sittin' with their hair pow- 
 dered with cotton fluff. It's a wonder to me thry haven't 
 l)ipes in their mouths to make them look more solenni- 
 choly. It can't be possible that they want to resenibh^ 
 venerable, old, grey-headed men, for theij are bald in a 
 general way, and their hair is like the rim of a dish — all 
 round the edge. What awful things those wigs must 
 be in hot weather; why the pomatum must run, like 
 tallow from new made candles, and hang about their 
 cheeks, like the glass icicles of a chandelier! Kow a 
 wise man can imt his head into a thing that's lit only 
 for a door-mat, and wear it in pubhc, passes my onder* 
 standing! 
 
 * It puts mc in mind of my brother Peter, when ho 
 
 ■ I. it 
 
 (t ii. 
 
 *! 
 
304 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 h'\ 
 
 I I 
 
 ^' 
 
 s% 
 
 went to Canton as United States Consul. lie was major 
 f)f a re,Q:imcnt of volunteers at home, and he had a most 
 splendid suit of re g'i mentals, all covered over with gold 
 lace, and sot off with an immense pair of epaulettes, each 
 as big as a chip's swob. When he arrived at Canton, ho 
 thought he'd astonish the natives by wearing it as an 
 olHcial dress. AVell, whenever, he strutted about the 
 streets in this rig, John Chinaman used to laugh, ready 
 to split his sides, and call out, ^^too muchfoolo — too much 
 goldo ; " and he went by the nick-name ever after of " too 
 much foolo." Now, that's just the case with them ere 
 judges — there is " too much wigo and too much foolo." 
 And, as for the lawyers, their noddles look, for all the 
 world, hke rams' heads. I have heard tell of wolves in 
 sheep's clothing afore now, but I never knew what it 
 meant till to-day. If them horse-hair hoods is out of 
 place for judges, who are called Big Wigs, they are wus 
 for lawyers ; for, what's the use of making a joker look 
 solemn, unless it's to take people by surprise, set 'em a 
 haw-hawhing right out, and then get 'em fined for con- 
 tempt of court ? A lawyer is chock-full of fun, Hke a 
 clown at a circus ; it fairly biles up and runs over ; and 
 when he cocks his eye and looks comical, you can't help 
 laughing — no how you can fix it. lie can make a wit- 
 ness say anything he likes ; he can put words into his 
 mouth or draw 'em out just as he pleases ; and keep the 
 whole court in a roar. I never see one on 'em at tlint 
 game, that I don't think of what I saw Signer BUtz, the 
 great conjuror, do at Boston. lie was a showing* off his 
 tricks one night at the Necromantic Hall, when he seed 
 a countryman starin' at him with all his eyes and mouth, 
 both of which was wide open. So he stopped short in 
 the midst of his pranks and made a face at him, exactly 
 like his, that set every one off into hystrilvcs a'most, it 
 was so droll. When they had done laughing, he invited 
 the feller to come upon the stage, and told him he'd 
 teach him how the tricks was done. So up goes young 
 Ploughshare, as innocent as you please. When he got 
 him on tlie boards, he patted him on the back with one 
 hand and put the other to his mouth, and, sais he, '' You 
 
BIG WIGS. 
 
 305 
 
 c was major 
 liad a most 
 or with o-oid 
 ulcttes, each 
 t Canton, ho 
 ing" it as an 
 about the 
 lugh, ready 
 lo — too much 
 fter of " too 
 th them ero 
 nuch foolo." 
 :, for all the 
 oi wolves in 
 new what it 
 ds is out of 
 ticy are was 
 a joker look 
 e, set 'em a 
 ned for con- 
 '. fun, like a 
 3 over; and 
 >u can't help 
 make a wit- 
 n"ds into his 
 Lud keep the 
 'em at thot 
 or Bhtz, the 
 iwiug off his 
 hen he seed 
 5 and mouth, 
 ped short in 
 him, exactly 
 ?s a'most, it 
 X,, he invited 
 lid him he'd 
 goes young 
 I\\Qn he got 
 ck with one 
 .is he, ''You 
 
 had potatoes for dinner to-day." " Yes, 1 had," said the 
 t!-oney. "Wliat makes you swaller them whole? " said 
 Blitz, and he pulled ever so many potatoes out of his 
 mouth and threw them on the floor. At last ho picked 
 one U)), ^vilh a sprout on it six inches long. " ^Vliy, my 
 good friend," said he, "looke here; they have begun to 
 grow already. Do, for goodness' sake, chew your food ; 
 and, instead of swallowing it Iwluf^ bolus, use your knife 
 and fork to cut up yourwittles, and he pulled t/icm out of 
 his mouth, too. Then he began to punch away at his 
 stomach till he nearly doubled him up. "Hallo," sais 
 ]Moughshare, "what, in nature, is all that for?" "No- 
 thin," sais Bhtz; "I am only trying- to break the dinner 
 })lates, for fear I should cut your throat in bringin' of 
 them up." The feller thought he was in the hands of 
 the Devil, and ho turned and took afljnng leap clear over 
 the orchestra into the ])it, and nearly broke his miques- 
 tionably ugly neck. The shouting that followed beat 
 election cheers all to chips, I tell you. Now, lawyers can 
 bring any answer out of a witness's mouth as easy as 
 Blitz fetched i)otatoes, and knives, and lorks out of that 
 countryman's, and set folks a-roarin' as loud, too ; for, 
 in a general wny, it don't take much to make a crowd 
 laugh — 7nohs like rotten c<igs letter nor sound ones. 
 
 ' VVhat's the use of puttin' wigs on lawyers, wdien all 
 the horse-hair of a dragoon regiment, and all the gnnisc 
 of all the bears in the world would never make 'ein look 
 like sedate men? Why, they arc as full of tricks as 
 Bhtz, have just as much sleight of hand, and are quite as 
 much in league with the Devil as he or any other con- 
 juror ever was. It don't convene to common sense, that's 
 a fact. And then if the judges must put on them out- 
 landish wigs, what in the world is the reason they keep 
 on their red dressing gowns? Have they any clothes 
 under them, or do they wear them to hide the naked 
 truth? As for them Avhite bands under their chins, as 
 they represent beards, why don't they wear real or arfi- 
 licial ones? They would look a sight better, and more 
 nateral too. Them sort of things do well enough in a 
 play-house, but it kinder strikes me, it's out of ])lace in a 
 
 
 M II' 
 
 
 ■I 
 
 I • 
 
in 
 
 30G 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 t 
 
 court of j asi ice. If it's to awe common f olkR, ami f ri<:»'htoii 
 them out of tlicir seven senses, why tliere's better wiiyri 
 of doin' it by ti lonp; cbulk. I sbouM like to tell them'jt 
 story — tbat is, Avluit tliey call a "case in point," or ns 
 tbey say in lawyer's slang-, that goes on all fours with it. 
 Tlierc was a squatter in Tennessee, when I was on a visit 
 to my uncle i^euben, who was a perfect outlaw of a 
 f(!llow, and a terror to the whole ?v*-cinity. He had 
 always lived on the borders of civiliz.'ition, and hung* on 
 its skirts, as a burr does to a horse's tail. He Avas on 
 the rear, where he could not be seen, nor rubbed off, nor 
 pulled off, nor kicked off. He was a trapper that robbed 
 traps histead of setting of them himself; a dealer in 
 bosses he neether raised nor bought, and always Avent 
 armed with loaded dice, marked cards, and a capital 
 rille. He was an ugly customer, I tell you. He could 
 outrun, outride, outswim, outshoot, and outiic any whit(> 
 man or Indian in all Tenjiessee; he could out-Herod 
 Herod if he'd a been there. He used to say he was 
 the only gentleman in the country for he was the only 
 man that never Avorkcd. Though he didn't raise none, 
 be had a large stock that be taught to forage for them- 
 selves. He used to turn his cattle arter night into 
 other folks' meadoAv lando to eat up their grass ; and his 
 pigs into their fenced patches, to yaffle up their potatoes, 
 until they larned the Avay to go right in of their own 
 accord and helj) themselves ; and if the neighbours went 
 to him and talked of law, he'd point to his rifle, and 
 threaten to sarve them with notice to quit, till they 
 were skeered out of their lives a'most. Well, one poor 
 fcUoAv, who had his crops destroyed time and again, and 
 could get no satisfaction, and was tired out watchin' 
 night arter night, chasing the hogs out of his diggins, 
 thought he'd set a bear on 'em. So Avhat does he do 
 but catch the longest-legged pig in the herd, and sew 
 him up in the skin of a bear, coverin' him all over, head, 
 body, and legs Avitli it, and then, towards daylight, he 
 lets the drove out first, and the dressed one arter them. 
 When they got sight of him, off they set as hard as 
 they could lay legs to the gniund, took up the road tliat 
 
BIG ^VIGS. 
 
 307 
 
 lod through the woods, and he artcr thom, and away 
 they ■went hke all possessed. Well, the S(inatl(>r, whoii 
 he got up in the mornin' went over to his neighbour's 
 potatoe patch, to bring his pigs homo as usual ; but lo 
 and behold, they were not there; and more than that, 
 the fence was -whole and standing, as if thoy had never 
 been in it all. While he was starin' about and kinder 
 puzzled, the stage-coach came up, and he hailed the 
 driver, who told him he had seen them runnin' for dear 
 life, chased by a bear ; two of them was dead on the 
 road, and the rest had taken to the woods, as soon as 
 they saw the coach and the bear arter tiiem. " Waal," 
 says he, quite cool, " the bears owe me a grudge, for 
 many a one of their family I have killed in my day. 
 And what surprises me is, that they should vent\u'(> so 
 near me, for I haven't been mislested by them these 
 three years : I'm glad my psalm-singing neighbour had 
 ]io hand in it, for if he had, I'd a sent hhn in search of 
 that constable that came here last summer to sarve a 
 Avrit on me, and has never found his way back yet. The 
 bears and I will balance accounts some day, see if wo 
 don't," and he went into the house as cool as if notlihi' 
 had happened. 
 
 'Now, if these judges arc dressed to scare the 
 crows, it appears to me bearskin would answer the 
 purpose better nor horse-hair and powder. What do 
 you think, Lyman ?' 
 
 ' I think,' replied the Senator, ' you don't know what 
 you are talking about. It is the judicial dress, adoptcMl 
 ages ago, and preserved to the present day. It is well 
 suited to an aristocratic country, in which there arc 
 various orders and ranks, witli their peculiar robes and 
 dresses, that arc worn on state occasions. They may 
 not be so appropriate to a republican form of govern- 
 ment hke ours, but there is no reason why tiiey should 
 not be worn even with us. Although, in theory, all 
 men are equal in the United States, we do not pretend 
 that all officers are, and of these the judges are the 
 highest in public estimation, and the most exalted in 
 rank. Why should they not wear a distinctive costume 1 
 
308 
 
 THE SEASOX-TlCIvET. 
 
 m 
 
 'If 
 
 Their duties are p;'ravc and important, and some of tlicni, 
 especially in criminal courts, of a solemn and awful 
 character, affecting the lives of tlioso who arc tried 
 before them. As they are not the every day business 
 of life, and judges are set apart to discharg"c them, tli(^ 
 l)araphernalia of the court ought to be in keeping witii the 
 sanctity of the law, and the importance of its due adminis- 
 tration. Dress is an arbitrary matter ; but everywhere, 
 on public occasions, propriety dictates, and custom 
 sanctions the practice of suiting' our liabiiiments to the 
 occasion. In a court of law, as in a church, everything 
 should be done decently and in order. We have not 
 this particular costume in our country, but wo have 
 adopted others of a similar nature for various cfficers of 
 the public service. The military have a dress peculiar 
 to themselves, and so have the navy, whilst many 
 Christian sects, especially the Episcopalians and Roman- 
 ists, have their own distinctive vestments. Collegiate, 
 municipal, masonic, and other institutions, have also 
 their prescribed robes and badges, and they occasion no 
 animadversion, because we are accustomed to them ; but 
 they are as open to remark as those of the English 
 judges which you have just been ridiculing. A gold 
 epaulet, and a cocked hat and feathers, which I have 
 seen your brother sport, when at the head of his regi- 
 ment of volunteerT., are adopted, and approved on the 
 same ground as the wig and the ermine of these judicial 
 officers.' 
 
 'I assure you, Mr. Shcgog,' he continued, 'that I 
 regard the English bench Avith great veneration ; we owe 
 to it a deep debt of gratitude. Although I have not the 
 lionour of knoAving those gentlemen we have just seen, 
 my studies liaA'c made me tolerably familiar witli their 
 predecessors, and I have no doubt they display as much 
 talent, learning', and impartiality as those to whom they 
 have succeeded. When we dissolved the connexion with 
 Great Britain, it was not because we disapproved of, or 
 quarrelled with its form of government, but with those 
 who administered it at that time ; and when we had to 
 frame one for ourselves, we adopted as much of yours as 
 
 4J 
 
BlCr WIGS. 
 
 309 
 
 was at all applical)lo to a country in wliicli tlioro was no 
 royal family, no nol)ility, and no estaLlishcd chnrcli ; and 
 I think I may add, witliont exposing* mj'sclf to the 
 char^'o of national vanity, that the constitntion wo 
 finally adopted was nnder all the circumstances, the 
 best that could be devised. Monarchy was out of the 
 question. In the absence of the three g'reat institutions 
 1 have just named, it was wholly ina]^plicable to the 
 people or the country. Necessity, therefore, gave us no 
 option ; a republic was the oidy alternative we could 
 adopt. The office of chief magistrate became electi\'e as 
 a matter of course. The difficulty (and a very g-reat one 
 it proved) was how to construct an upper branch of the 
 Icji^islature, where there was no class in any way cor- 
 responding- to the peers, or even the landed aristocracy 
 of Eng'land, that could operate as a check on the House 
 of Representatives. The manner in which this was 
 effected reflects infinite credit on the framcrs of the 
 constitution. If both senators and representatives were 
 chosen by the people at larg-e, though nominally divided 
 into two separate chambers, they would in effect be but 
 one body, for they would have the same feelings, be 
 clothed with similar powers, and responsible to the same 
 constituency. They, therefore, arranged that the mem- 
 bers of the House of Representatives should be elected 
 by the people ; but those of the upper branch by the 
 legislatures of the several states, and to secure a careful 
 and judicious exercise of the important functions of the 
 Senate, they estabhshed the age of thirty years, as the 
 earliest period at which a member could be eHgiblc for 
 election, while that of a Representative was fixed at 
 twenty-five years. To increase the respectability of the 
 body, it was made more select by restricting its num- 
 bers, and making its basis State Sovereignty; ^vhile 
 that of the lower branch was regulated by population ; 
 thus, New York furnishes but two senators, while it 
 sends to the other branch more than forty representa- 
 tives. To invest it with dignity it was constituted an 
 Executive Council of the nation, no treaty being valid 
 without its ratification, and no appointment legal with- 
 
 i 
 
 liK 
 
( 
 
 ^! 
 
 •r 
 
 810 
 
 TIIK SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 out its approval. To iusuro itH inclepcndcnce, aiul 
 qualify it for these iiiiportunt duties, the term for wliich 
 Konators arc elected was extended to six, -while that (•!' 
 the representatives was limited to two years. AVhere 
 the supreme power rests in the people, who arc theoreti- 
 cally and politically equal, perliapa no Letter or wiser 
 provision could be made for the construction of tiiis 
 body. 
 
 Ilavinfi; thus established tho three branches of tlu^ 
 leg-islature, it became necessary to erect a judiciary, a 
 very delicate and difficult task, considering- that every 
 state possessed its own courts, and was jealous of any 
 authoi'ity that should over-ride them. They accordingly 
 created a tribunal, called the "Supreme Court," and in- 
 vested it with the sole power over all cases, whether in 
 law or in equity, accruing* under the enactments of 
 Congress, and also with an extensive appellate jurisdic- 
 tion. It possesses powers far beyond those of the Eng- 
 lish courts or, indeed, of any other country in the world, 
 for it controls not only the local legislatures, but the 
 president, and the Congress itself. In England, Parlia- 
 ment is pohtically omnipotent ; in America, the peoi)le 
 are the source of all power, and by a constitution of 
 their own making, have created a Chief Magistrate, a 
 Senate, and a House of Representatives, By that 
 written instrument certain powers are severally dele- 
 gated to them, which they cannot extend or diminisli. 
 It is an organic law, and, like every other law, must be 
 interpreted by the judges. If Congress passes an act 
 in contravention of it, the Court declares it to be uncon- 
 stitutional and void, and will not enforce it. 
 
 *In England Parliament can alter the succession, limit 
 or enlarge its own jurisdiction, and ohange even the 
 form of government. In America, Congress cannot 
 make the sHghtest alteration of the kind. This is a 
 novel and immense, but salutary power, that is lodged 
 in the Supreme Court. It curbs the impetuosity and 
 arbitrary will of a party, and forms a safeguard lor the 
 liberty of the people. To render the Constitution as 
 permaucnt as possible^ the people, while they reserved 
 
 mi 
 
 *'• '4 
 
Eia WI(J3. 
 
 311 
 
 to themselves the power to iiiiuMid it, very wisely 
 guarded it a,L;'aiiist their own iiiteri'ereucc, except in 
 cuses of great urgcnicy, by surrouiidiiig its exercises 
 ■with restrictions of ii most conservative cliaracter. 
 They precluded themselves from taking the initiative in 
 altering it, by enacting that appeal must be mad(^ to 
 them either by two-thirds of the members of the Con- 
 gress, or by a vote of two-tiiirds of the assemblies of the 
 several States. AV^ithout this preliminary sanction tiicy 
 have left themselves no power to meddle with this 
 sacred document. If they were to att(!mpt to do so the 
 Court would decide their action to be illegal, as it would 
 in the same manner if the Congress were to undertake 
 to exceed its constitutional limits. 
 
 ' Thus, the Supreme Court absorbs the whole judicial 
 authority of the nation, for the Senate, unlike your 
 llfjuse of Lords, has no appellate jiu'isdiction. It 
 can indeed try an impeachment preferred by the 
 House of RepreseiiLatives, deprive the accused (jf his 
 ofKce, and declare him ineligible to servo the })ublic 
 again ; but it belongs to the legal tribunal alone, 
 to convict and punish him criminally. The judi- 
 ciary takes cognizance of all offences on the liigh 
 seas, and all matters of international law, as well as of 
 the relations of one State to the other or to Congress. 
 It is the sheet-anchor of the State, and we arc mainly 
 indebted to it, under God, for the stability of our insti- 
 tutions. In no country is the avenue to the Bench so 
 well guarded as with us. The chief magistrate has not 
 the powder of appointment to it, he can only nominate, 
 and the Senate, composed, as I have said, of members 
 from each State, indiscriminately brought together from 
 every part of the Union (for one of the qualifications of 
 a Senator is residence within his own State), must aj)- 
 prove of the recommendation before the commission can 
 issue. All parties, without distinction, however much 
 they differ on other pohits, concur in the importance of 
 u|)liolding the authority, and maintaining the respecta- 
 bility and efficiency of the Bench, and altliough there, as 
 elsewhere, poUtical feeling pervades and inliucnces 
 
'II 
 
 812 
 
 THE SKASOX-TICKKT. 
 
 r 
 
 « 
 
 pul)lio patronn,i>'o, it lius nov(>r boon known to oporato 
 in tlio s(;l('(',tion of a jntl^x^ — nnloss, jx'rhaps, wliero tin; 
 choice lay between two candidates oi" e(pial pretensions, 
 when congcniaUty of opinion has tnrn(Hl th(} scale. 
 More tlian this can scarcely ho ex[)ected from the iniir- 
 niities of hnnian natnre. From the first establisiimcnt 
 of this tribnnal to the i)rcsent time, th(; selection nf the 
 jndp^cs has been such as to satisfy the jnst expectations 
 of the ])nl)lic. They have all been able, learned, upright, 
 and impartial men, and have discharg-ed their dnties in 
 a manner alik(i honourable to themselves and their 
 country. They had great and good models before them 
 in the judges of England, and a nev'er-f ailing source of 
 instruction in their recorded decisions. When they 
 commenced their judicial labours, the principles of law, 
 civil, criminal, and maritime, Avere well estabhshed, and 
 they may both be said to have started at that time from 
 the same point. It is impossible for us to conceive how 
 much our two countries owe to their respective jndi- 
 ciaries. You must, however, excuse mc for saying that 
 I think our government defers with more respect to the 
 decision of the judges, and is more ready than yours to 
 uphold their authority. The Whigs, who are expert at 
 removing land-marks, to enlarge the sphere of their 
 own action, have more than once shoAvn a disposition to 
 ■ ako the law into their own hands. Lord John Russell 
 was prepared on a recent occasion to admit the Jews to 
 the legislature, in defiance of the law, by a mere reso- 
 lution of the House, to which he Avished to give the 
 effect of an Act of Parliament, utterly regardless of the 
 colUsion it would produce between the llouse of Com- 
 mons and the judges; and, in the late case of Dr. 
 Smethurst, Government have set aside, upon grounds 
 altogether unsatisfactory, the decision of a Court, 
 solemnly pronounced after a patient investigation of a 
 most painful nature. Nothing could be better devised 
 to weaken the authority of a judge, or to destroy the 
 confidence of the public in the verdict of a jury than 
 such a course of procedure. In ordinary cases, when 
 an application is made to the court for a rule to yet 
 
 ' I -« 
 
 
Iiirj wir;?. 
 
 ni3 
 
 nsMo a vonllct, tlio f^Tounrls of tlu? n)»iili(*afioii arc cUs- 
 tiiH'tlv slafcd, and bct'ore it is made al)s(>liit<', it is fuUv 
 ar^'U('(l ill piiMic. In tliis cas(' i\u} application was made 
 in jM'ivalc, tlio parties consulted were not sworn, nor 
 subjected to cross-examination, nor any opportunity 
 given to tlie prosecuting' olllcer to rebut their evidence, 
 c'itlier by iu\i;'ument or tiie production of otlier persons 
 0([ually competent to form an opinion on the subject. If 
 tliere must be an appeal in criminal cases (I do not mean 
 a n(nv trial, for that is out of the qn(.>stion), it should 
 be heard before a competent tribunal, in a formal aixl 
 lepd manner, and the proceeding's conducted in as 
 ]jublic a way as the orig'inal trial. Tliere are cases in 
 whicii the prerogative of the Crown to })ardon, may bo 
 exercised Avith great propriety, but in general, it ought 
 to bo confined to those instances in which the law, nnder 
 which tlu3 trial takes place, is involved in doubt; or 
 where additional evidence has been discovered, whicli, 
 had it been know^n at tiie trial, might have produced an 
 acquittal; or wdiere the verdict was not in accordance 
 with the charge of the Court, or was inlhienced by 
 party, personal, or religious feehng. But where botli 
 the judge and the jury wdio tried the cause, arrived at 
 the same conclusion, and the former has subsecpiently, 
 on mature reflection, seen no causv- to change his 
 opinion, and more especially wlien the latter, as in 
 this instance, have declared that their decision was 
 formed from the evidence, wen before th<.'y heard liie 
 charge, whicli confirmed, but did not inlluence, tlieir 
 verdict, I can see nothing to justify the Secretaiy in 
 intcrrcring to ])revent the course of justice, especially 
 as ho is an nnprofessional man, and was not i^vescnt at 
 the trial. 
 
 ' Mr. Justice Story, one of the most eminent law^ycrs 
 among ns, was an intimate friend of mine, and he told 
 me that a judge's notes or a short-hand -writer's rej)ort 
 of the trial of a case, although verbally accurate, could 
 not bo depended on in a review of the case for a new 
 trial, on the ground of the verdict being against the 
 evidence, because it was necessary to see and hear u 
 
t 
 
 ir 
 
 CM 
 
 THE SKASON'-TICKUT. 
 
 viliKVuS oxaiiilnod in order to l;n()^^ what woiglit to 
 altiU'li to liis Icsliinoiiy. Tlic jury, in coiisidt'riii.u- thu 
 uitiu'ss's cvidL'UC(», cstiiiKilo also liis crcdihilily. They 
 aloMo can ju<l;^'o from th(3 liianiicr in wiiich lu; ^-ivcs \\\h 
 testimony, wlKitlicr lio und(!rslands tlic snl)j(>('t, is 
 cautious in liis replies, and I'rei^ from personal and pro- 
 fessional Mas. J'aets ])ositively attested, and opinixii:; 
 distinctly ^'iven (where they arc; admissihle), nw. all that, 
 appear in ii AvrittiMi report; but there is no record of 
 tli(! hesitation, the Ilip[)ancy, tlu; indiiTerc^nce, or the 
 manifest i^-noranco of the witnesses, and yet they hav(! 
 })erhaps left an impression on the mind of the jury, that 
 Hucli witnesses were not worthy of eredenee. 
 
 ' This Avas a case of murder effected by poison. After 
 Iho verdict was ^'iven, and tiie sentence passed, llu! 
 IFome Secretary refers the wholes subject to a sinyvon, 
 who was not present at the trial (and therefore incom- 
 jx'tent to estimate tlie value of the testimony), uor under 
 oath, nor cross examined, nor confronted witli thos(» 
 upon whose evidence he was called t(j jud.ii.'e. iS'or was 
 liis r(>port submitted to the ])rosecutin<:^' oHicer, for his 
 remarks ther(!on, but it was adopted as conclusive, not 
 because the Secretary of States was more competent to 
 jud^e of a question of medical science than a question 
 of law, but on the extraordinary <!;round, tliat as the 
 only man he had consulted, differed in opinion from those 
 witnesses that were examined for the Crown, there 
 must be a doubt, and that consequently it was his duly 
 to set aside the decision of the Court, and to pardon the 
 convict. If the conclusion tliat he has thus arrived at, 
 is correct, it should form {• precedent to be followed in 
 other cases; and if it be so regarded, there will be 
 an end of executions for murder by i)oisoning', where 
 tlun-e is a difference of ophiion between medical witnesses 
 and the reviewer; for in no case will there be any dilli- 
 culty in finding a doctor of suflicient scepticism, or 
 conceit, to doubt the infallibility of medical science, or 
 the accuracy of the ophiions of his brother jiractitioners. 
 There is an immunity in confidential connnunications, 
 that makes the exercise of humanity an agreeable duty ; 
 
ni(j wic;?. 
 
 O It/ 
 
 )ticisin, or 
 
 aii<l th(! offer of all fippclliilti jiirisdiclinii over llio pro- 
 fessions of law ami iiiedieine, is tno ^Tcat a teiiiptation 
 1o a mail to elevate liiiiiself at the exi)eusu uf both, to 
 l)(» successfully resistetl.' 
 
 ' All, now you arc talkini;- "die,"' exelalnied PeaLinly, 
 *an(l 1 can't follow you. W'iien 1 talk' 
 
 * You use tlu^ vuhjiir toiif/uc,* n^tnrted tlu; Senator. 
 
 * Yen may take niy liat,' re|>lie(l the other ; ' 1 cave in, 
 1 ow(» you one, hut yon needn't chalk it up, for I'll In* 
 sure to pay you hack befon^ Ioiil;'. What 1 was ^'"iiiL;' 
 to say was, 1 wouldn't mind Snu'thnrst ^-ettin' off, if 
 they had only han,u;ed one of them tarnation onfaekili/.ed 
 g-oncys of doctors. 1 never see a case yet, in which 
 tluw were called as witnesses, that they didn't make 
 HU[)er superior fools of themselves. Not hen they lovt< 
 HO dearly as to differ, and they never j^'ive a positive 
 Htrai;;'ht up and down opinion, exccjit when ^liey ^"et a 
 chance; to (Contradict (!aeli other. Then; is no l)rother- 
 hood atween them, as there is amon^* lawyers: thl(!ves 
 liave too much honour to peach on each other: doctors 
 convict one another always. 'J'hey are like moles, each 
 critter burrows in his own hole in the dark, and as tliev 
 can't see no track but their own, they sw(;ar there ain't 
 any other. They dabble so nuicli in chemistry, tluy 
 treat truth like a com])Ound substance: and they ;j,'et so 
 bothered with their analysises and tests, that it has 
 neither cohesion, nor unity, nor colour, wIkmi they have; 
 done with it. They may be very p,'ood doctors, 's far 
 as I know, but they are the worst witnesses under the 
 sun; they swear that everything' ma>/ he, but that 
 iiothen is; that '^oii can judg'c of a disease by its syni])- 
 toins, but that the symptoms of any given numbi.'r are 
 so nmch alike, you can't tell what ailment a person died 
 of. That's the way Smethurst got off. Sir IJrodie, 
 who was made a judge of the Appeal Court in criminal 
 cases, and sat for the first time in this ca':c, rap})ed his 
 snuff-box before he opened the hd (the way Pat knocks 
 a feller down, to have the i)l(.'asurc of pickin of him up, 
 for one good turn deserves laiother), sat down in his 
 arm-chair, put one leg over the other, laid his head back, 
 
^li 
 
 31G 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 
 ' 
 
 lf)f)1dii,[^ wondrous Aviso, took out a pinch of rajipoc, and 
 said, " This is a law case, and it's very odd I am the 
 rap/^or and the snuff is rappw," and tlien lie sniffed it up, 
 antl felt ^9^ood all over. " It's the first legal opinion I 
 over gave — ' who shall decide when doctors disagree ?' 
 — I won't pronounce judgment at all." So he took up 
 his pen, and wrote, "Medical science is in its infancy" 
 (which means there was none when he was in practice), 
 " and you can't expect wisdom from the mouths of 
 babes and sucklings. Therefore, whether Smethurst 
 was, or was not guilty of poisoning, not knowing-, can't 
 sa3^" 
 
 * Xow, if that ain't a farce, then the murder of that 
 poor gal warn't an awful tragedy, that's all. They are 
 gettin' on here, Lyman, that's a fact, when an old re- 
 in-ed doctor upsets judge and juries, and sais there is no 
 dependence on medical science. What in the world have 
 the halt, the lame, and the blind been de[)endin' on for 
 18G0 years? If he has pretended to cure all his life 
 " secundum artem," and there is no art, couldn'^ folics 
 recover back their fees from him on his own con- 
 fession ? Yes, they are gettin' on here ; the^'-'il soon 
 a])peal to the wise woman, old Liddy Lonas, that tells 
 fortius by cards, and the hues in the hands, and the 
 vein in the forehead, and the stars, and so on. Let them 
 ask her if a verdict is right or not, and people will 
 credit her, though they won't a doctor. They darn't 
 doubt her, and if they did, she'd soon find a way to 
 make 'em believe, as Titus Cobb's ghost did his son 
 Eber. Eber Cobb, who got n great fortin fi'om his 
 father, went to a spirit rapper at Albany, to have a talk 
 with the old gentleman, just out of a lark, for he no 
 more believed in it than you do. Well, he A\as soon 
 put into communication, as they call it, with the old bill 
 broker, who answered all his questions quite satis- 
 factory, and then gave him some advice he didn't (piite 
 like, when he broke out into a loud laugh, and said it 
 was all tarnation nonsense; that they couldn't take him 
 in tiiat wav, and that he warn't born hi the Avoods to bo 
 gikeered by an owl, and so ftn'th. AVcllj he had hardly 
 
lilt, ■WIGS. 
 
 317 
 
 fifiid this, wlicn the tabic began to turn slowly, and then 
 to sphi round like a teetotum, when it ran rig'ht up agin 
 hiin like a mad bull, and fairly kicked him right out of 
 the room. " Hold on, for niarcy's sake," cried Eber, 
 Inokin' as white as a sheet, and most awfully terriiied ; 
 "• hold on, I believe it now, that's 'xactly like the old 
 man, he's as violent as ever, oh, that's him to a dead 
 sartinty; he never could bear contradiction at no time, 
 without gettin' into a'most an all-fired passion." From 
 this day forth, I believe in spirit rapi)ing. 
 
 ' Yes, let Cornwall Lewis, consult old Liddy Lonas in 
 the next case of a man that's convicted of murder, and 
 lie'll satisfy the jiublic a nation sight better than by 
 referring' it to Sir Brodie. Liddy knows as much of hfo 
 as are a doctor in creation does of death, and twice as 
 much of women as he does ; and she'd have told 
 Secretary, if he'd asked her, whether that onfortunate, 
 beguiled, and simple gal died from nateral causes, or by 
 the hand of a murderer. 
 
 * I'll tell you what I've obsarved here in England. 
 The i^eople never forget what they are taught at school ; 
 they larn that the mascuhne gender is more worthy tlian 
 tlie feminine, and they act on that through hfe. If a 
 man murders his wife, they say "sarved her right." 
 lint if she does for her husband, she may as well go to 
 work to knit a large stocking to put both her feet in, to 
 die decent — for hanged she'll be, as sure as income-tax ! 
 They may laugh here at Judge Lynch as much as tli(!y 
 like ; he never hanged an innocent man, or let a guilty 
 one escape, as far as ever I could hear; and it's my 
 oj)inion, if he had visited Richmond, Avhen this Smethurst 
 alTair happened, he'd a given universal satisfaction. I le's 
 a num that never eats his own words, as some English 
 folk do, though he luis often made others gulp them. 
 
 * And talkin' of that puts me hi mhid of Sir I]ro(li(\ 
 I met him the other evening to dinner, and sais 1, 
 *' How do you do, Judge Brodie ?" "I am not a judge, 
 sir," said he, l(M)king all abroad, "but a modical niiin." 
 " Beg your ]iar(lon," sais I, '' they told me Chief Baron 
 and jury tried Smethurst for murder, prououiiced him 
 
 \ 
 
S18 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 ^fj% 
 
 P'll 
 
 ir 
 
 I if 
 
 I 
 
 <, 
 
 
 j^'uilty, and scntonccd liim to dcatli, and tliat yon tni'Dod 
 tlic tables on tlioni, tried thou, and fonnd tlicni all .i!,'uil( y 
 of a conspiracy to mnrdcr an innocent man ! It's the 
 best joke I ever heard since I was raised. Well! I 
 never in all my born days!" sais I, "it takes the rag- 
 off llie bnsli quite, that, if you didn't row them all u|) 
 Salt River, it's a pity!" Jle didn't know whether to 
 take it up or not, but steered between both pints, lookcnl 
 comical in his eye, but grave in the face. Sais he, 
 " Mi\ Peabody, I have a gireat respect for a judge, and 
 if it were a matter of law, I should bow to his decision ; 
 but this, sir, was a question for our profession, and 
 ^ medical science is in its in fane f/.^ " Sais I, "If it is in its 
 inf;incy, there arc some whopping big sucking babies of 
 students in it — that's a fact, and no mistake." "What 
 a droll man you be !" sais he ; " I admire the Americans 
 uncommonly, '"'licy not only take a common sense vi(n\' 
 of everything, but they catch its ridiculous points too; 
 and sometimes I am puzzled to know whether they are 
 in earnest or in jest. But let us drop the subject of the 
 trial, for here comes a Q.C." "Does that mean, 'Queer 
 Cove V " sais I ; " for it's like what I used to call my 
 brother, I gave him the title of Q.C.F., and always put 
 it on his letters arter his name, for he was for everlastin' 
 a-talking of trespass, and quare clausiun /regit, as he 
 called it*:" 
 
 'Well, up comes Q.C, and shakes hands with Doctor. 
 Sais he, " So Gladstone has put off his budget till 
 Friday. What's tlie matter with his throat ? — is it 
 Inlluenza?" "No," sais Doctor, "it is a sort of Parlia- 
 mentary diphtheria. He has had to eat so many of his 
 own words, in leaving Derby to join Palmerston, that 
 his swallow was affected, and sore throat supervened. 
 Several members of the Government are affected more 
 or less by the same complaint." " Well," sais I, " (wie's 
 own words arc hard to gulp — that's a fact, especially 
 when swallowed dry; but when they are taken with 
 the sweets of office they go down as slick as mint 
 julep." 
 
 ' ihit to get back to Judge Lynch, at^ I was a-sayiii'. 
 
rjG WIGS. 
 
 319 
 
 7fe Tiovol' cats his own words. AVliat lie says \\o moans, 
 and lliere is no a])|)C'al from him. Execution follows liis 
 scntciK.'O as thunder docs h,L;-htning'. lie ain't a military 
 ]nan, that declares martial law, holds a drum-head 
 court, is as sav\agc as a meat axe, and don't valy life 
 more nor a ^v^ of tobacco, but a plain, homespun citizen, 
 that declares common-sense, holds a neig'hbourly court, 
 and, thou.^-h starnl}'- just, is a marciful man, and nev<'r 
 hvives a fc'Uer in sus})ense a minute long'cr than can be 
 helped. There is no pomp, noi* tog'g-ery, nor tomfoolery 
 al)out him. No one can point to him as they did to 
 my brother, and say, "toe much goldo, loo much 
 ioolo." lie ^vears neether wig', nor gown, nor white- 
 choker ; h(^ don't sit with c1os(hI doors, in some hole or 
 corner, like those Jng-lish I^i.g AVig's, as if he was afeared 
 peoj/io -would see or hear wliat he sa's or does. Ihit he 
 holds his court under the broad canopy of Heaven, lie 
 don't sit on a bench, and give the llussia leather cushion 
 the meek and lowly title of "//zc icoolsach" i\\i\t hypo- 
 ci'ites might think him humble. Nor has he a ligure of 
 Justice stuck up behind him, with a bandag'c over its eyes, 
 and a nair of scales in its hands, to show that it is so 
 blind it can't sec whether it weighs even-handed oi not. 
 Ihit Judge Lynch, sits on a stmnp, like a patriarch of 
 O'd, in jdl the native dig'nity of a patriot judge, with a 
 simple wid(^-awake hat on his head, a halter in one hand, 
 and a revolver in the other — emblems and implements 
 of justice — lays down the law of natur lo the jnr}-, and 
 if tlicy convict a feller, strings him up to a nateral gallus 
 — the first tree near hand — whistles "'Possum up a g'um 
 tree," and then says^ "Come, boys, this hero court is 
 adjourned, let's li(pior." A doctor would think it a nation 
 slight better for his precious hide to save his breath 
 to cool his broth, than to meddle with ////;?, I can tell 
 you. If Judge Lynch had been at St. Georgc's-in-th(>- 
 East, the other day, he'd a saved the l)isho[ii the trouble 
 
 of suspendin that arc onfackaUzed ' 
 
 ' Don't let us enter upon that sul)ject,' said the 
 Senator, 'it is a most painful one; bo+h pcirties arc 
 very much to l)lame — extremes mee<. Too much form 
 
320 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 I » 
 
 and ceremony naturally breaks down with its own 
 wei.i;4it, and i)njduccs a revulsion that ends in tutal 
 destruction of botli. lint this is not a matter that 
 should be treated with levity.' 
 
 To assist him hi chan,!:!:ing' the conversation I asked 
 him what he thought of tiie new iJivorce Court we had 
 just visited. 
 
 ' I have heard and read a g'ood deal about it,' he re- 
 plied, 'and am bound to say I do not think it open to 
 the objections that have been raised ag-ainst it. You 
 must recollect that it is regarded from very opposite- 
 l)oints of view, according to the peculiar notions of 
 l)eo23le on the subject of divorce. These opinions it is 
 not necessary to discuss, it would lead us into too wide 
 a Held for mere conversation ; but assuming that the 
 ])rinciple upon which it is founded is correct (upon whieh 
 I do not wish to offer an opinion), the court appears to 
 me to work well in ])ractice. I do not wonder that the 
 public is alarmed when they sec the great number of 
 cases that are brought before it for adjudication ; but it 
 must be recollected, that when the House of Lords was 
 the sole tribunal that could decide upon them, redress 
 was confined to the rich man and the mere pauper, as a 
 divorce could onl}'- be obtained by the expenditure of a 
 very large sum of money, or by the gratuitous services 
 of lawyers. The consequence was, that a vast deal of 
 oblocpiy was thrown upon the aristocracy, as they were, 
 with very How ('xce^)tions, the only parties who figured 
 in these trials; and an impression prevailed, not only 
 among' the people of this country, but among foreigners, 
 that the upper classes were distinguished from the 
 middle and lower orders, as much by their profligacy, as 
 their wealth and social rank. 
 
 ' It would now appcarj that so far from this being the 
 case, they furnish fewer instances of depravity than 
 those in an inferior station, which, considering their 
 great wealth, their k'isi're, and other circumstances, does 
 them infinite honour. Indeed it is said, and I believe 
 Avith some truth, that wiiilc a better and sounder tone 
 of morals prevails in the higlier ranks, there is by no 
 
I its own 
 Is ill total 
 Uittcr lluit 
 
 )n I askod 
 urt we hud 
 
 it,' he rc- 
 
 it open to 
 
 it it. You 
 
 y opposite 
 
 notions of 
 
 inions it is 
 
 :o too wide 
 
 g' that the 
 
 upon whi(!h 
 
 appears to 
 
 2V that the 
 
 number of 
 
 :ion ; but it 
 
 Lords was 
 
 im, redress 
 
 auper, as a 
 
 iture of a 
 
 us services 
 
 ist deal of 
 
 :liey were, 
 lio figured 
 not only 
 toreig'ners, 
 
 from the 
 uiiigacy, as 
 
 being' the 
 [ivity than 
 ^ring" their 
 ances, does 
 
 I believe 
 mdor tone 
 2 is bv no 
 
 BIO WIGS. 
 
 321 
 
 means a corresponding decrease in tho rest of society 
 of those offences that are the special objects of adjudi» 
 cation in this court. Since I have been in England, I 
 have perused with great attention the reports of cases 
 tried before this tribunal, and I have met with no 
 instance in which a divorce has been decreed on insuffi- 
 cient grounds, or where there was any reason to suspect 
 collusion between the parties. 
 
 *The House of Lords was a very objectionable 
 tribunal. No man, however high in station, or eminent 
 for ability, is fit to try a cause unless he is professionally 
 trained lor the exercise of judicial functions. A judge 
 is naturally cold and impassive ; his prejudices and his 
 imagination are carefully eliminated irora his mmd ; ho 
 is accustomed to deal with testimony, to analyze, 
 weigh it, and estimate its real value. An unprofessional 
 judge, such as a member of the House of Peers, is a 
 man of feeling as well as honour, his impulses are good, 
 but they are not chastened like those of a lawyer. Ho 
 does not very readily perceive the difference between an 
 equitable and a legal claim, or between what is expedient 
 and what is strictly lawful. He relies more on the 
 purity of his intentions than on his knowledge of prin- 
 ciples, or the rules of evidence, and frequently decides 
 more in reference to what he thinks ought to be, than 
 what can be done. The absence of a jury lessened the 
 value of their decisions in the eyes of the pubUc — not 
 that jurymen are more intelligent or more honest 
 than the Peers — ^but because the popular element was 
 wanting in the tribunal. The fiat of the court was tho 
 judgment of an order of men far above the common in 
 station, for which they alone were responsible who pro- 
 nounced it; it was open to criticism, and often con- 
 demned, because, though the members of that house 
 were, from their high station and character, beyond the 
 suspicion of partiaHty, they were not exempted from tho 
 imputation of miconscious bias, in consequence of their 
 not possessing those attributes of judges which I have 
 just named. The present Court of Divorce will bo 
 more satisfactory fiio the public, because its decrees arc 
 
u 
 
 V 
 
 822 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 founded upon verdicts; and as the decisions of juries 
 arc those of the people, the judge derives a support 
 from their concurrence, far beyond the intrinsic value of 
 their opinions. Suspicion is apt to attach to irremovable 
 functionaries, from the natural tendency of established 
 authority to become arbitrary. Juries are fluctuating 
 bodies, and cannot be easily acted upon. If a verdict 
 be unsatisfactory, the certainty that the same jury will 
 never again be assembled together, reconciles us to the 
 evil, and induces us to hope for more intelhgence and 
 superior discretion from the next. Their chief value is 
 to make the people bear their own share of the respon- 
 sibihty of administermg justice, and to elevate the judge 
 in public estimation, by placing him beyond the reach 
 of those imputations, that ignorance and vulgarity are 
 so prone to fasten upon their superiors. I diflcr, there- 
 fore, toto ccclo from Mr. Justice Cresswell, as to the 
 expediency of sitting with closed doors. Nothing can 
 be more disagreeable than to have to listen to the 
 disgusting details usually given in evidence in suits for 
 divorce, more especially as they attract the lowest and 
 most depraved audiences. Of this, however, he has no 
 right to complain, for when he accepted the commission, 
 he knew the nature and incidents of his duties. It is 
 essential that these causes should be heard in public for 
 reasons similar to those I have already assigned; the 
 evil does not consist in open trials, but in the pubhcity 
 given tothese offensive matters by the daily press. It 
 is to be hoped that the good sense of its conductors 
 may induce them to omit all details unsuited for general 
 perusal, and that the reprobation of the public will 
 punish any infraction of propriety in this respect.' 
 
 ' 'Zactly,' said Peabody, * there ought to be an Aunt 
 Debby in every family, as there was to our house, to 
 hum, to act as a reader, and see if there was anything 
 improper in the newspapers, or in the new books we 
 took in from the circulatin* library. Lord! how priin 
 and precise she was. I think I see her now a-standin' 
 afore me as neat and nice as if she was just taken out of 
 a bandbos that ws.s brought home from the miUiner, with 
 
EtG WIGS. 
 
 J3L^a 
 
 ! of juries 
 
 a support 
 
 LC value of 
 
 removable 
 
 istablished 
 
 luctuating 
 
 a verdict 
 
 3 jury will 
 
 us to the 
 
 gence and 
 
 if value is 
 
 he rcspon- 
 
 the judge 
 
 the reach 
 
 garity are 
 
 ler, thcre- 
 
 as to the 
 
 ) thing- can 
 
 en to the 
 
 n suits for 
 
 owcst and 
 
 he has no 
 
 )mmission, 
 
 ies. It is 
 
 public for 
 
 gned; the 
 
 publicity 
 
 ipress. It 
 
 onductora 
 
 or general 
 
 )ublic will 
 
 ect/ 
 
 3 an Aunt 
 house, to 
 anything 
 books we, 
 how prim 
 a-standhi' 
 ken out of 
 Uncr, with 
 
 hor black silk dross fittin' as tight as hor skin; her 
 while, clcar-starcluMl, stiff korciiiof crossed over licr 
 breast, and tied behind ; and hor little, beautiful, crbnpod 
 muslin cap, that was edged with short, stiff, hair curls, 
 like tassels on a fringe. When she stood up to receive 
 
 !tl 
 
 th 
 
 ;t( 
 
 second position (as dancm' mast 
 Cidl it), with one little tinj' foot just far enough out to 
 show her ankle that she was so jiroud of, crossed hor 
 hands in front, and half-bowed, half-curtsied, she was a 
 pictur worth franiin', I tell you. Everything about hor 
 seemed new except her face, and that looked as if it had 
 been took good care of, and had wore Avell, too. She was 
 as formal and pcrlite as you please, and really looked as 
 good natured as an aunt can that has to govern other 
 folk's children, for no woman knows how to bring up 
 juveniles, except one that has none of her own. ihit 
 Avhon she put her spectacles on, it was time to close roof 
 and keep an eye to windward for squalls, that's a fact. 
 They made her look old and feel old ; they told tales of 
 eyes that was once bright, and b^^gone days when she was 
 young, and she scolded every one that c;imc near hand 
 to her, as if it was their faidt she warn't young stili. I 
 don't think she had an idee i'at there was anything 
 good onder the sun, except herself and her presarves ; 
 slie saw evil in everything-. This warn't proper, and 
 that warn't delicate; this wasn't decer-, id that \vas 
 dowm'ight wicked. Whenever she read anything funny 
 in a paper she'd look as black as thunder, and 'jaculato, 
 " Well, I wan't to know ! ! ! If this don't beat general 
 trainin' ! !" and so on ; and then go and hide away tho 
 paper, and say nobody but father was to read it. Well, 
 in course the moment sIk^ turned hor back, the galls 
 raced off, ransacked the desk, pulled it right out, and 
 read it, for it set their curiosity a-goin', and when a 
 woman gets that up, notliin in natur will stop her. Evo 
 couldn't, nohow she could fix it. If she hadn't a-boeii 
 ordered not to eat the apple it's as like as not she never 
 would so much as have s ,cn it, there were so many 
 more temptin' lookin' fruits in Paradis(\ But no, there 
 was a secret, and if she was to die for it, nothin would 
 
 Y 2 
 
'!! 
 
 If 
 
 324 
 
 TIIK SliASON-TICKET. 
 
 Btop lior from try in' to find it out. Woll, any thin p: tliat 
 Aunt l)ol)l)y forbid was sure to be read. Quo day father 
 Bont homo a book called " Peregrine Pickle :" I dare say 
 you have heard tell of it, it's one of the greatest and 
 funniest books ever written, it is so full of luuuan natur. 
 Sister Phemy picked it up and beg'an to read it, when 
 Aunt Debby came in and snatched it right away from 
 her. "What in natur is this?" sais she. "What! 
 reading a novel," and she turned up the whites of her 
 eyes, and fairly groaned. " I never saw anything so 
 shocking in all my born days," sais sh^, and out of the 
 room she flounced like anything, crying, "Oh, oh, oh; 
 what is this wicked world a-comin' to? I will go up- 
 stairs and pray for you!" AVell, hour followed arter 
 hour, and they waited and waited for ever so long, and 
 still no Aunty came back. At last Phemy grew awful 
 skeered, and she crept upstairs to old liebby's room, 
 and as the door was ajar, she pushed it gently open, 
 and jieoped in, and there sat Aunty by the window in 
 her rockin' chair, a-readin' of the very identical horrible 
 book, and a-shakin' all over with laughter, the tears of 
 fun actilly a-runnin' down her cheeks, till she was most 
 off in hystrikes. Arter a while Phemy shps in a tip-toe, 
 taps her on the shoulder, and says, "Aunty, dear, what 
 a protracted time you've had of it, haven't you, and all 
 on account of my sins, too ! But, dear Aunt, wiiat in 
 natur is the matter of you ? Ain't you well ? What 
 makes you weep so ?" " Weep," sais she, puUing a face 
 as long as the Moral Law. " Weep, is it ? I guess I 
 am weepin', this wicked book would make anybody shed 
 tears. Oh, to think that your father should send such 
 an awful work as this home ! !" Well, in course, Phemy 
 stole it away the first chance she got, and all the galls 
 read it. 
 
 * Now, wdiich do you think did most mischief in our 
 house. Peregrine Pickle or Aunt Debby? Tell von 
 what, dehcacy is one thing and squeamishness another, 
 but they ain't commonly found travellin' arm and arm 
 together, for there never was a squeamish woman that 
 bad a delicate mind, that's a fact.' 
 
 i 
 
np^ f}iat 
 y father 
 larc say 
 test and 
 ri natur. 
 it, when 
 ay from 
 'What! 
 s of lier 
 hhig' so 
 it of the 
 , oh, oh ; 
 [ go up- 
 ed arter 
 ^ng-, and 
 w awful 
 's room, 
 ly open, 
 mdow in 
 
 horrible 
 
 tears of 
 ras most 
 i tip-toe, 
 what 
 and all 
 
 what in 
 AVhat 
 
 g a face 
 guess I 
 
 Ddy shed 
 
 3nd such 
 Phemy 
 
 ho galls 
 
 3f in our 
 'ell von 
 another, 
 and arm 
 nan that 
 
 BTCr WIGd. 
 
 32i 
 
 ar. 
 
 * It is not necessary,' said the Senator, ' to settle their 
 r(>lativc demerits ; but it is quite clear that Miss Peabody 
 was but an indifferent instructress for young ladies, and 
 " Peregrine Pickle" an unsuitable book for them to read. 
 But, be that as it may, no newspaper ought ever to Ix; 
 aduiitted into a house, the columns of which arc deilled by 
 the recitals of these disgusting trials.' 
 
 ' Well, I am glad I have seen this Divorce Court, too,' 
 said Peabody, 'not on account of the philosophy of the 
 thing, because I don't onderstand that, but because 
 Britishers are for everlastingly a-tauntin' us, and sayin' we 
 tie the nuptial knot so loose that half the time it comes 
 undone of itself. AVell, if they fix it tighter here, there 
 are them that know how to loose it, at any rate. Parsons 
 tliink they can tie the fisherman's knot, but lawyers are 
 up to the dodge, and can ondo it as quick as they can 
 fix it. There is nothin in natur equal to them except a 
 ])arrot, and he (no, I won't say he, for there is no such 
 thing as a male parrot, they are all Pollys) — and she can 
 loosen a link as quick as you can put the chain on her. 
 Now, Pll tell you the difference between our divorces 
 and yours : we dissolve matrimonial partnership some- 
 times because it don't convene to the parties to continue 
 it. It's a matter of what they call incompatibility — a 
 long word that means when two naturs don't assimilate 
 or mix pleasantly, like ile and water. Here it is a matl.T 
 of crime. Our folks try to perform what they promise ; 
 and when they find it onpossible, they g'ive it up as a 
 bad job. A woman vows to love, honour, and obey, 
 and, praps, she finds she has been most awfully taken 
 in ; she can't either love or honour, and when that's the 
 case, in course she can't obey. Well, when all these 
 combine, what's the use of goin on snarhn, bitin, and 
 scratchin for c^erlastin? When you match a pair of 
 bosses, if one h honest in draught, goes well up to the 
 collar, and has spirit and bottom ; and t'other is tricky, 
 won't do its share of work, has no go in it, and gives in 
 ari;er a few miles — what do you do ? Why, get rid of 
 the bad one, and get a better mate in its place. Or, if 
 one stays quiet in its pasture, comes to its oats when 
 
 ^ 
 
326 
 
 THE SKASOK-TICKKT. 
 
 1 
 
 cfillod, and lots you put tlio bridlo on oasy ; and tlin 
 other, the moment it is loose, jumps tli(; i'cneo, races 
 over the country, gets into your neighbour's li(;ld, and 
 ^vllen, arter a thunderin long chase, yon pen it up in a 
 corner, it turns tail to you, lays down its ears, and kicks 
 like all ])Osscssed, so tiiat it is as much as your life is 
 worth to get up to it, and, when you do, it holds its 
 head so higli you can't rcacli U[) to put th(^ bridle on, or 
 won't loosen its jaws to take the bit, or, if it does o[»eii 
 its mouth, bites like a pair of blacksmitli's pincers — 
 what do you do ? Why, just send it to vanduc, or swop 
 it away for a better one, for it don't convene to keep it 
 always tied up in its stall. 
 
 *Well, it's m'-rc diflicult to choose a human mate than 
 a boss match by a long chalk. A boss don't pretend to 
 be better than it is; it is no hypocrite — once a devil, 
 always a devil. They never try to look amiable ; but a 
 woman ain't so easy judged of, 1 can tell you. She can 
 look like an angel, be as gentle as a lamb, and talk as 
 sweet as honey ; her face can be as sunny as the 
 licavcns on a summer's day, and if you ain't up to 
 tropical skies, you wouldn't believe it could ever cloud 
 right up, be as black as ink in a minute, and thunder and 
 lightenin come out of it, hard and sharp enough to stun 
 and blind j'ou. Well you put to sea with this confi- 
 dence, the storm comes, she won't answer her helm, and 
 you are stranded in no time ; there ain't no insurance 
 office to make up the matrimonial loss to you, and what 
 are you to do ? Are you to repair damage, launch the 
 wreck again, and be drove ashore a second time : or, 
 are you to abandon the ship, leave it there, and have 
 notliin more to do with it ? ' 
 
 * Then, do you mean to say,' asked the Senator, 
 * that it is always the fault of the female ? ' 
 
 * No, I don't,' said Peabody. * It's oftener the fault 
 of the man, in my opinion than of a woman. It ain't 
 the lady that proposes, but the gentleman. "Caveat 
 emptor," as my brother Gad, the lawyer, said, in a suit 
 I had with a feller, about the soundness of a boss I 
 sold. (Father called him Gad, because, like Jacob, ho 
 
 r 
 t 
 
nia "Win?. 
 
 027 
 
 , races 
 d, iiinl 
 II]) ill a 
 1 kicks 
 • lif(! is 
 jlds its 
 on, or 
 ;s o[)Cii 
 icers — 
 )rswop 
 keep it 
 
 tc than 
 tend to 
 I devil, 
 ; but a 
 5I1C can 
 talk as 
 1 as the 
 up to 
 cloud 
 er and 
 stun 
 confi- 
 m, and 
 u ran CO 
 d Avliat 
 icli tlio 
 mc : or, 
 d have 
 
 ienator, 
 
 e fault 
 It ain't 
 Caveat 
 n a suit 
 boss I 
 cob, lie 
 
 |t 
 
 RO(rM llien^ was a troo,, ' '5 a-cominp,\) Well, that law 
 jtlirase means tin; buyer -it cave in if \\c ain't wide 
 awake. If a lovier can read facs — which is as neces- 
 Hary for a man to study when lie pies a-(;ourlin as any 
 book that is tan.L;ht at school — Im; will see the marks of 
 the temjun' then.'. A company fac(.*, like a ;j:o-lo-meerm' 
 dress, ain't ^ot tlw; ri.n'ht sit; it's to(» stiff and too 
 bn,L;'ht, and you can see it ain't put on every day ; there 
 is an oneasiiiesss about her that weai's it ; it don't seem 
 nateral. 'J'he eyc^brows are lifted arch-like — they don't 
 slay up s[)onten(H)Usly ; the smiles arc set — they don't 
 com(; and ^o with the ris(.' an<l fall of the tide of the 
 spirits. The mouth is kinder len;j;-thened to take 
 the droop out of the corners, and that pushes up the 
 cheek, and makes a dimple in it. And tin; up[)er 
 bp, instead of curlin.Li,' up sarcy, swells rijK! and ])lump 
 at the mouth. A ^'all with a face of that kind 
 looks as if she had come into the world sin^'in^, instead 
 of cryiii' like a youn,!^ kitten. Courtin is bad for the 
 oye-si<j;'lit you may de|)end; a feller is apt to get j tar- 
 blinded by it; if he didn't stare so much, he'd see better. 
 Let him ^'et a look at her when she don't know it, and 
 tlien lie'll see the nateral expression; he'll lind the brow 
 puckered close, the mouth curved short at the small 
 cend, the eye contracted, and the lips half their former 
 size, and puckered in tiglit. And if be can't get a 
 chance to see her that way, if she has a rival, set her a 
 talkin about her; or if she has ever tried it on to a feller, 
 and got the cold shoulder, steboy her at him, and he'll 
 soon lind the set smile has set like the sun — gone out of 
 eight till next time, and the angel mask has dropped off, 
 and the shrew face left, looking as large as life and twice 
 as nateral. Now, if he ain't a judge himself, let him do 
 as he does when he buys at an auction — ask the advice 
 of them that are, and if his friends have as much of the 
 fool about 'em as he hasj let him remember every gall, 
 like every other created critter, has a character, good, 
 bad, or indifferent. Everybody is known among their 
 neighbours for exactly what their valy is. This one is a 
 termagant, that one a flirt, this is imprudent, and tliat 
 
 ^ 
 
528 
 
 TIIK SEASON-TICKKT. 
 
 discreet, while t'other is as n^ood-lieartcnl, ft'ood-natured a 
 p^ull as ever Hved. Well, if a man won't iiiaive use of 
 liis eoiniiion sense — and he is took in, all I can say is, it 
 Karves him ri^'ht.' 
 
 'No,' said the Senator, ' tliat's not •what I mean. Do 
 you think a man is oftener taken in, in matrimony, than 
 a woman?' 
 
 *No,' he replied, 'I don't. I think it's the otlu^r W[»y. 
 7\s I said before, recolioet it's him tliat proposes; in a 
 general way he gets S[)ooney, goes riglit up to her head, 
 and marries. Sometimes it's the gall he admires, and 
 sometimes her money or rank; but he connnonly plays 
 the first card, and leads off for her to follow suit. I say 
 commonly, for women know how to })ut it into a man's 
 head, and make him think it's all his own doings. Well, 
 havin' made up his mind, nothin ever stops him; he 
 Hatters, not with honueopathic doses, but draughts that 
 would choke a camel ; he swears as false as tlie feller 
 did who deposed to knowing a fusee ever since it was a 
 ])istol, when he heard it was called " a son of a gun." 
 lie vov/s eternal love, and takes his davy he'll die of a 
 broken heart, or drown himsc^lf, if he's refused. Men 
 know what liars men are, but women don't ; and how 
 sliould a poor gall ioW, avIio ain't permitted to look at 
 men's faces, to see if they are stamped with deceit or 
 not? How CJtn she study physiognomy? She is all 
 truth herself (if properly brought up), and confides in 
 others. She knows she was made to be loved ; and 
 when a man vows he does adore her to distraction, and 
 she knows that word adoration is oidy applied to angels, 
 why shouldn't she think she is one, and believe the man 
 who worships her ? No ! poor critter, she is oftener 
 took in than the false lover is. Now, when the fraud is 
 found out, whichever it w\as that cheated (sometimes 
 both are let in for a bad bargain), and when contempt, 
 and then hatred, and then squabblin and fightin comes, 
 ain't it better for both to cry quits V 
 
 ' Don't talk nonsense, Ephraim,' said the Senator, * 3; ou 
 know better than that. Matrimony is not a partnership 
 
-n at 1 1 rod a 
 
 kc llSl! of 
 
 I say is, it 
 
 ncaii. l)i> 
 loiiy, thuu 
 
 )tli()r "svay. 
 jsL'ri ; ill Ji 
 ) liorlicad, 
 inircR, and 
 lonly jilays 
 iiit. 1 Kay 
 to a man's 
 ig'S. Well, 
 »s liim ; lio 
 Aip,'lits that 
 the fdler 
 cc it was a 
 of a gun." 
 j'll die of a 
 ised. Man 
 ; and how 
 to look at 
 I dc'coit or 
 Sho is all 
 confides in 
 oved ; and 
 \ction, and 
 to angels, 
 e the man 
 is ofteuer 
 iG fraud is 
 (sometimes 
 contempt, 
 htin comes, 
 
 lator, '>ou 
 partnership 
 
 BIO WIGS. 
 
 C2a 
 
 
 to bo dissolved by mutual consent. " WItom Cod hcis 
 juwr<Jy let not man put asunder.^* ' 
 
 ' Yes,' replied th(» other, ' but those that the world, 
 the flesh, or the devil has miited ' 
 
 ' We'll drop the subjec't, if you j)lease, Mr. Teabody,* 
 rejoined th(^ Senator, with some warmth. 
 
 * Now, don't lly off at the handle arter that fashion,' 
 Baid Peabody, with provoking coolness, and a comical 
 expression of countenance ; ' it ain't safe. When I was 
 chopping at our wood pile onct, the axe flew right off 
 that way as quick as wink, and took the ear off of old 
 Jabez Snow, our black nigger help, as slick as a knife. 
 The varmint thought when he felt the blood runnin* 
 down his cheek that his scull was split, and his brains 
 oozing out, and he gave a yell so loud they hecr'd him 
 clean across the river, which was more nor the matter 
 of a mile wide there, and then he fell down in a con- 
 niption fit. It spoilt his beauty, I can tell you, for 
 nothin' looks so ))ad as a half-crept nigger; it gave 
 liis head a lop-sided look ever artc-r. So don't fly 
 off at the handle thut way ; it's dangerous, that's a 
 fact.' 
 
 * Well,' said Ine Senator, 'we ought not to be angry 
 with you, for men eminent for their ability and station 
 in the British Parliament have talked as loosely and 
 absurdly as you do. It is grievous to hear a man like 
 Lord Campbell dispose of the arguments derived from 
 Scripture against the remamage of divorced parties; 
 and the scruples of learned and pious men on the sub- 
 iect, with a flippancy that betokens either ignorance, or 
 mdifference, or both. As I said before, I will not enter 
 into that wide field of controversy, although I entertain 
 a very strong opinion upon the subject, founded, not like 
 that of his lordship, on a superficial view of it, l3ut after 
 mature consideration and anxious investigation. 
 
 * Leaving untouched, therefore, the interpretation, 
 Mr. Shegog, which your legislature has put on those 
 passages of Scripture, on the subject of divorce, I will 
 content myself with saying, that I cannot approve of 
 the enactments of the recent law. Nothing;' can bo 
 
3CD 
 
 THE SEASON-TICKET. 
 
 i 
 
 ; 
 
 i 
 
 worse than that portion of it which makes a niarlvcfl 
 distinction bousccn the rights of husband and wifo. 
 Tlie form( can procure a divorce "a vinculo," upon tlie 
 proof of ultcr^", the latter can only obtain a similar 
 relief, wl> a that offence is coupled with bigamy, or 
 incest, or v ruelt}', or desertion for a period of two y(?nrs. 
 How a Christian legislature like yours, composed of a 
 body of English gentlemen, of peers spiritual and tem- 
 poral, and above all, with a Queen constituting its first 
 and highest branch, could thus degrade woman below 
 the level she has held for centuries, in this and every other 
 civilized country, is to me altogether unintelligible. If 
 their rights arc thus rendered unequal, so arc their 
 respective punishments. The husband may be mulct 
 in damages for his offence ; but the wife, by the usages 
 of the world, is for ever banished from society, and her 
 punishment terminates only Avith her life. It is deeply 
 to be regretted that the suggestion of the Archbishop 
 of Canterbury, to restrain the guilty party from re- 
 marriage, and that of the Bishop of Oxford, to visit 
 the offence with imprisonment, were not adopted. As 
 the law now stands, it is unscriptural, impolitic, and 
 unjust.' 
 
 Here our conversation terminated, and I was com- 
 pelled to hurry to the station to be in time for the train. 
 The term of my 'pass' on the South Western line 
 expires 1t)-niglit. AVhether I shall renew it, or accoftt 
 the invitation of my American friends, from whom I 
 have derived so mucli amusement and instruction, to 
 accompany them on a short tour into the country, I 
 have not yet decided, but this sheet completes the 
 memorabiha of my present ' Season Ticket.* 
 
 
 BILLING AND SONS. PRINTERS^ GUILDFORD. SURRtf 
 
and wife. 
 " upon IliG 
 1 a similar 
 big-amy, or 
 two y(?nrs. 
 posed of a 
 I and tcm- 
 ig its first 
 nan below 
 ivcry other 
 ligiblc. ] f 
 I arc tlieir 
 »• be mulet 
 the usap^-es 
 ty, and lier 
 ; is deeply 
 \rchbisliop 
 y from re- 
 d, to visit 
 )pted. As 
 )olitic, and 
 
 was coin- 
 tliG train. 
 3stcrn lino 
 or accept 
 n whom I 
 •uction, to 
 conntrv, I 
 
 )letG8 tliC 
 
 Frederick Warne and Co.^ Publishers^ 
 
 
 THE GOMPANION LIBRARY. 
 
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 CO Sylvester Sound. 
 
 H. COCKTON. 
 96 The Love Match. 
 
 H. COCKTON. 
 99 Walter Oorinsr. 
 
 ANNIE THOMAS. 
 30 On Onard. 
 
 ANNIE THOMAS. 
 
 36 Love's Conflict. 
 
 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
 37 Woman against Woman. 
 
 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
 38 Jerair Estcourt. 
 
 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 v Too Good for Him. 
 
 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 41 Nelly Brooke; 
 
 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
 43 The Sutherlands. 
 
 SIDNEYS. HARRIS. 
 
 44 Butledgre. 
 
 SIDNEY S. HARRIS. 
 
 45 Christine 
 
 SIDNEYS. H.VRRIS. 
 
 46 Lord Iiynn's Wife. 
 
 SYDNEY S. HARRIS. 
 
 47 Fetronel. 
 
 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
 48 Veronique. 
 
 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
 49 Her Lord and Master. 
 
 ' FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
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 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
 51 The Girls of Faversham. 
 
 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
 52 The Season Ticket. 
 
 SAM SLICK. 
 
 53 The Mnmniy. 
 
 MRS. LOUDON. 
 
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 COL. VVALMSLEY. 
 
 55 The Life Guardsman. 
 
 COL. WALMSLEY. 
 
 56 Branksome Dene 
 
 COL. WALMSLEY. 
 
 57 George Geith. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
 58 Au&tin Friars. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
 59 Too Much Alone. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
 60 The Bich Husband. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
 61 Maxwell Drijiitritt. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
 62 Far above Bubies. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL.' 
 
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 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
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 MRS. I. H. RIDDELL. 
 6s City and Subiirb. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
 66 Phemie Keller. 
 
 MRS. J. II. RIDDELL. 
 
 67 Bace for Wealth. 
 
 MRS. J.IL RIDDELL. 
 
 65 Mad Dumaresq. 
 
 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
 69 "So Intentions. 
 
 FLORENCE MARRYAT. 
 
 70 Bright Morning. 
 
 MARIA M.GRANT. 
 
 71 Victor Lescar. 
 
 MARIA M. GRANT. 
 
 72 Artiste. 
 
 MARIA M. GRANT. 
 
 73 Aunt Prue's Bailway Jour- 
 
 ncy. 
 
 MRS. GASCOICNE. 
 
 74 Home, Sweet Home. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
 75 Joy after Sorrow. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
 76 The Earl's Promise. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
 77 Mortomley's Estate. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
 78 Frank Sinclair's Wife. 
 
 MRS. J. 11. RIDDELL. 
 
 79 The Buling Passion. 
 
 MRS. J. W. RIDDELT..' 
 
 80. My Fir^t Love and My 
 
 Last Love. 
 
 MRS. J. H. RIDDELL. 
 
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 bbey. 
 By Miss 
 
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 of Glen 
 
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 to. 
 
 Jrothers. 
 in. 
 
 t ' 
 
 ly. 
 
 lime. 
 
 rds. 
 
 :VER. 
 
 jiimals. 
 jerving. 
 
 Preserver.