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I deal not here with problems sage, My style may be unfinished, rough, But there's a laugh in every page, If you can find it, that's enough. s.s. -ta TORONTO : WILLIAMSON & CO. 1895. 7 //,^/^ A foih con vou Wh cont trut whit horn '"MWBI*.'.^' *^ IIP wmm mm PROLOGUE. 7 After carefully reading over the following stories, in cool blood, I confess that I am not prepared to vouch for their absolute veracity. What I claim for them is, that they contain a far higher percentage of truth than do thousands of tales by which reputations are maimed^ and homes rendered miserable. S.S. t ■\ i CONTENTS. t i The Mammoth Moth 5 Big Bass Flies 6 Curious Facts About a Cat 9 Polar Bears , 10 Curious Factr About Billy 12 Finding His Level 19 Frogs in the Well 27 The Automaton Missionary 30 The Fatal Echo 35 Fan-tailed Frogs 39 1 ne o> ". \^, 15. 1 ^i The Mosquitoes' Lay 48 The Story of a Terrible Tempest in a Teapot 49 Curious Effect of Singing on a Cat. 57 Ideal Middle Age 58 " Bouleversement " 59 Verses — A Summer Verselet 107 A Winter Verselet 109 The Cawing of the Crow iii May, 1893 113 The Nursery Car 113 The Story of a Stuffed Canary ... 115 A Modern Sea Song 117 The CandiJate 119 The Legend of a Lovesick Lake. 121 Mlii ,i.iil<.ii:in««BP k) ll . < T\\e r\an\TC\oi\\ Aotl\. i > '4 PEAKING of collectors, I think the most gul- lible of them are stamp collectors and moth collectors. The former on account of their youth, the latter on account of what the gentleman who wrote " Verdant Green " calls ** The tame rabbit disposition." My moth col- lecting friend was one of those enthusiasts whose enthusiasm is catching; and when he carried me off to see his latest prize, he com- municated a share of his spirit to me by some occult method peculiar to his kind. I was thus prepared to see and to believe. But when it came to the point, the strain on my credulity was too great. He called the thing by a long Latin name of which all I could catch was "maximus." It might have been that, but I know it was iiii iMiili ■TT" i ij^ CURIOUS FACTS. not, nor had ever been a moth of any kind. Notwithstanding his as- surance that he had paid a big price for it to a man in Colorado who dealt in such articles, I am firmly convinced that it was nothing in the world but a stuffed hen, or perhaps, for it was decidedly "off color," a young turkey that had come to an untimely end. However, I did not try to unde- ceive my friend, partly because I knew the attempt would be futile, and partly because he seemed so ridiculously happy in the possession of his monstrosity, that I felt that I should be acting with heartless brutality if I really succeeded in disillusionizing him. Big Bass Flies. Fishermen, I mean amateur fish- ermen, are credulous as a class. Otherwise, how do you account for the propagation of fish stories ? r f CURIOUS FACTS. 7 «> .. Most of the narrators themselves believe that they are telling you the truth. Dear old K. was one of the most harmless men that ever breathed, but he was weak where fish or the means of catching them were con- cerned. I met him one day coming towards the river, looking most ab- surdly happy, with a big fly rod over his right shoulder, and a thing like the extinct Dodo tucked under his left arm. "Hullo K," I said, "What on earth have you got there ? " " Oh," he replied, " That's one of A.'s bass flies." " Surely," I said, " You don't ex- pect to catch anything with that ! " " Oh, don't I ? " he answered, looking a little bit hurt. "A. has supplied me with flies all along. He made small ones for me during the early part of the season, and I caught a lot of flsh. He has been making them bigger lately, and I have not been so lucky. But he assures me that you can't have flies too big for the end of the season." ■-'::]mammxmf»m mm' s ^j»'} mm ML m ' mM^...AMt&m»fM!ms^ : 8 CURIOUS FACTS. <( What does he charge you for them ? " I enquired. "Well, for the small ones, from fifteen to twenty cents a piece ; but more, of course, for the larger ones. One like thisy' he added, looking fondly and proudly at the dodo, "costs five dollars." A few hours after that I met a man who asked me if I had seen K. I said " Yes." " Well," he said, " It's a curious factt but he has the biggest catch of hsh. you ever saw." "Oh, don't try to stuff me," I answered ; " I know he never caught a fish with that thing he was carry- ing under his arm." " But he did tho'," said my friend. " The instant he put it in the water, shoals of bass leaped out on the bank, screaming. K. swears they screamed. He collected about a hundred, whose faces were not ren- dered absolutely ghastly with terror, and threw the rest back. He vows he will never use that fly again, be- cause the look of pained horror on those fishes' countenances will haunt fcW^s. ^^JJHSSr CURIOUS FACTS. him until his dying day. Dear old K. ! he was always a tender-hearted chap." curious Facts About a Cat. A FRIEND of mine has a cat that has been in his family so long that it has acquired habits of politeness from association. He argues that a cat can do this. He says it is a curious fact that his cat always thanks him with a "mieaw" for any little attention, such as a dish of milk, opening a door or a window for it, especially his bed-room win- dow. A common cat, he says, will not do this, and he has proved it. A common cat once came to his bed-room window and " mieawed *' the way that his own cat does, so much so that it kept him awake, and at last he got out of bed to see what it wanted. It was a cold, frosty night, and, as all the water out of doors was frozen, he thought the poor beast might be thirsty. So ^^tOriH^ii^JitiiSfi:.. lO CURIOUS FACTS. he gently lowered the upper sash of his window, and poured the whole of the contents of his water jug into pussy's upturned countenance, thinking that enough of it might go down its throat to quench its thirst ; and then, he said, the unmannerly beast went away quite suddenly, without the slightest expression of gratitude. His own cat, he thinks, would not have acted like that. T' Polar Bears. It is a curious fact that there are men who, in the bosom of their family, will indignantly repudiate the sentiments which they have loudly expressed the previous night at their club. My friend C. was like that. It was late one night at the club, in fr ct, I am not quite sure it was not nexl morning, when C. surprised us all by suddenly exclaiming that he CURIOUS FACTS. II 1. wished he was a polar bear. Of course we asked him, why ? "Oh," he said, " polar bears eat icebergs, and I should like to eat an iceberg just now. I'm so hot." Well, we gathered round him and told him that polar bears did not eat icebergs ; but he would not be persuaded. He said he knew they did, because he had read all about it in Buffon's Natural History of England. I was staying at his house, and all the way home we argued the matter, but I could not make him see that he was wrong. The nearest I got to it was to wring from him a reluctant admission that, " If polar bearsh don't eat ish- bergs, then the ishbergs eat the polar bearsh." The next morning, or the same morning, when all the family were assembled at breakfast, I turned to his wife and said, " By-the-way, C. will insist upon it that polar bears eat icebergs." And then, to my utter astonishment and dismay, he turned upon me with a look of pained amazement, and ejaculated, ' 12 CURIOUS FACTS. "// I never said such a thing in my life. Absurd ! How could a polar bear eat an iceberg? You must have been dreaming, old fellow." Well, I felt hurt ; the more so because I could see that his wife thought that it was / who was not quite so clear as I should have been as to the conversation of the pre- ceding night. And I felt that I had gone down any number per cent, in her estimation. curious Facts About Billy. I LONG to do Billy justice, but I have not sufficient space. It would require a good-sized volume. Neither have I the requisite ability. I don't believe there is a single living author or poet, or any living collection of authors and poets combined who could do him justice. Billy was my horse. Not an ordinary horse, by any means. He I CURIOUS FACTS. 13 was the best, the dearest, in short, the most invaluable horse that ever lived, and he had a long, pendulous under lip. I mention this because it was so strongly indicative of his character. I know some ladies whose under lips are adjusted on the same mechanical principle, and . they are distinguished for the amia- bility of their dispositions, and for the unyielding tenacity with which they adhere to a resolution once formed, or to an opinion once expressed. I love them for that, for Billy's sake. This mulish obstin ; I mean this praiseworthy firmness of char- acter of his caused us many an upset in the sleighing season. We lived in Canada, in the country, where there are snow drifts and pitch holes. In order to negotiate the latter properly the horse should keep in the track and go slow. Billy thought otherwise, and no amount of persuasion could cause him to alter his opinion. It was my custom, when we arrived on the T 14 CURIOUS FACTS. brink of one of these pitch holes, to stop and point out to him the desir- ability of progressing gently. But he would simply waggle that long under lip derisively, and make a plunge for it ; and when it was all over, he would canter off with the empty sleigh on its side, and leave us and the seats and buffalo robes and things to be picked up by the next passing sleigh. He also suffered from a bronchial affection, which caused him to emit roaring noises, to the utter dismay of well-informed Sunday school children, who would flee, screaming for protection, to their mothers, when they heard him coming, under the impression that he was the real, original roaring lion, and that he wanted to devour them. Poor, harmless old Billy ! In addition to his Cromwellian decision of character, Billy possessed a keen sense of the ludicrous. It was a treat to see him take my maiden aunt for a drive. When he was brought to the door, and just as she was about to step into the car- t i am CURIOUS FACTS. 15 ^. riage, he would turn a cold, stern, speculative eye upon her, which always caused her to tremble, and ask if he was likely to kick. Then, when she was ready to start, and had said " tchk, Billy," in an apolo- getic tone of voice, he would give his head a gentle toss, which had the effect of extricating the reins from her grasp, give a few prelim- inary roars, and start off at a gentle, dignified amble. First he used to take her to the Post office, then to the saloon over the way, then to the druggists', then to the grocer's, then to another saloon, then to the butcher's, then to the lady's who executed our laundry business (we had nothing so low as a washer- woman in our village), then to another saloon. He would stop at each place for just as long as he considered it necessary for her to transact her business ; then he would bring her home, uttering (he, not she) roars of triumph. On these occasions she always remarked that she had had a delightful drive, and that Billy was i6 CURIOUS FACTS. " a darling horse." This is a curi- ous fact, because it is certain that she did not want to be taken to any of the places that Billy had taken her to ; but some people are easier to please than others. I wish to observe here, parenthe- tically, that / did not teach Billy to stop at saloons. He had acquired the trick before he became my prop- erty, and I purchased him from a temperance lecturer. Billy had a deep-rooted aversion to cows ; and at odd moments, when he could spare time from the more serious business of grazing, he would amuse hinibelf by chasing the cow round and round the field, which resulted in the untimely pro- duction of butter by other than the usual methods. As this frequently occurred at times when we should have preferred milk, we came to regard it as an objectionable habit. But we knew it would be useless to expostulate with him on the subject, for it would only have made matters worse. He would either have killed the cow, or turned her into a peri- patetic cheese factory. I i CURIOUS PACTS. 17 n ud It is a curious fact that he knew Sundays when they came round, and would slumber peacefully through the sermon, in the church shed, as intelligently as the most orthodox member of the congregation did, in the church itself. His end was hastened by the mis- taken kindness of a lady to whom I had loaned him for a week. I had thoughtlessly omitted to mention his bronchial trouble to her, and when she first heard his stentorous breath- ing, she became alarmed and sent for a vet, who pronounced it lung trouble, and advised a mustard plas- ter. So she sent her boy to the village store, with i\ wheelbarrow to procure the mustard, which she spread thickly on an old hair mat- tress ; and then, with the assistance of the neighbors, this was spread over and tightly lashed to the part where she thought horses wore their lungs* But she made a mistake. The stupid vet ought to have stopped and shewn her. The poor old horse never recovered from this treatment, though I think his self- i8 CURIOUS FACTS. respect suffered from it more than his constitution did, and I was obliged 10 put an end to his suffer- ings by persuading him to look into the muzzle of a gun, wLile the man at the other end pulled the trigger. A thriving young basswood tree now shades his grave. These thoughts move me to tears, and also to the following touching verses, which critical or sensitive persons will do well to skip : Oh Billy, how I miss you f Never, never more Shall I guide your stumbling footsteps, nor listen to your roar. The snow will fall next winter, and pitch- holes form, but yet I shall miss the sweet excitement that's involved in an upset. And when your proud successor takes a lady out, I think He'll neglect to stop at taverns to sug- gest a cooling drink. I may try to fmd your equal ; but while your loss I mourn, I feel a firm conviction, that he has not yet been bom. Rest peacefully, my Billy! you can neither haw nor gee, In the grave where we have laid you, beneath the basswood tree. t / MlMiMi^Jififavriib^- IliiPS' CURIOUS FACTS. 19 Fir\dir\g His Level. t People usually imagine that, in order to find his level, a man ought to travel and mix much in society. It is a curious fact, however, that the reverse is the case. If a man wants to find out how utterly useless he is, how little he knows of the ways of men, and how much he re- quires to be sent to school to learn the whole thing over again, he should bury himself for a time in a Canadian back country village. Kawassaka is the name of a place where Harry Egerton really learned the great lessons of his life. Kawas- saka is not the name in full, in fact there are several syllables omitted, but it is the way that the Reeve, Mr. John B. Knoi^itall, used to pro- nounce it after his twelfth glass of rye whisky, and it is good enough for my purpose, and it is easy to write. This story ought not properly to come under the heading of " Curior.: Facts," because it is :; plain ur- mmm 20 CURIOUS FACTS. trimmed statement of certain events that have come under my own per- sonal observation. There is not a grain of exaggeration in it. If any- body doubts this, especially if he be an Englishman who prides himself upon his knowledge of the world, let him try the experiment for himself. There are plenty of Kawassakas for him to choose from. But for taking the conceit out of a man and leaving him utterly limp I will back my Ka- wassaka and old J. B. Knowitall and his satellites against the field. My friend Harry Egerton is a young Englishman of good family, who has had every social and educa- tional advantage that usually falls to a man of his class. He com- menced life at a large English public school, where he became a first-class bat, oarsman and boxer. From there he went to the University of Oxford, where he continued his boating, batting and boxing, and as he also took his B.A. degree with honors, it is to be presumed that he learned something. After this he drifted into the army and saw active i J i CURIOUS FACTS. 21 service in a crack regiment in more than one quarter of the globe. Then, at his father's death, finding himself a rich man, he left the army and spent a couple of years between yachting all over the world and dis- sipating in the capitals of Europe. He hunted big game in Africa and shot tigers in India, and he conscien- tiously worked his way through a whole London season. And then, at the age of six and twenty, with unimpaired health and an income of a clear twelve thousand pounds a year, he found it hard to amuse him- self. He thought he had done the whole thing, seen all that was to be seen, and learned all that was to be learned. But he was mistaken. He had not seen Kawassaka. I don't know what made him think of Can- ada, but he procured letters of in- troduction to nice people in Toronto and came out here. He found To- ronto, naturally, very similar to other cities of civilization, but he did not want that, he was thirsting for a new experience. A Toronto friend suggested that before he re- ■•n^ sa CURIOUS FACTS. turned to England he ought to see something of the lumbering districts, and he caught at the idea. And thus it turned out that, armed with a letter of introduction, in which he was simply described as a young Englishman who had recently ar- rived from the Old Country, he pre- sented himself one fine summer's morning at Mr. John B. Knowitall's door. Hospitality is a Canadian virtue, thus he was welcomed with open arms and given rye whisky to drink, after which he was recom- mended to put up at the Montmor- ency House as being the better of the two hotels which Kawassaka boasted, and received an invitation to dine with the Reeve, Mr. J. B. K., on the following Sunday. And then his education com- menced. The first thing he did when he arrived at the hotel was to ask for a bath ; but he failed to make himself understood until the landlord's son, a bright youth, who attended the Kawassaka public school, chanced to come in. "Oh, pop," said the i I CURIOUS FACTS. 33 i boy, ** he wants a bath. It's easy to see he's English ; he do talk real funny." There was no bath avail- able, but there was a river in which he might bathe. So he procured a couple of towels, or rather apologies therefor, and, under the guidance of the precocious youth, set out. On the way he met Mr. J. B. Knowitall and his brother, Mr. B. J. Know- itall, and they asked him where he was going. When ha informed them that he was simply going for a swim they both expressed the loudest and live- liest concern (all the Knowitalls, and they are a large family, are loud, if not exactly lively) for his safety. He assured them that it was all right ; that he could swim. They said that that did not matter, that it was unsafe for any Englishman, no matter how well he could swim, to bathe in a Canadian river until he had been for several years a resident in the coun- try. " There's a strong current," said Mr. J. B. K. " And eddies," said Mr. B. J. K. V 24 CURIOUS FACTS. ** The water is too cold," said Mr. J. B. K. " Or else too hot," said Mr. B. J. K. "I suppose there are no alliga- tors ? " asked Egerton, gravely. "Alligators! Oh, no. He, he, he ! hi, hi, hi ! haw, haw, haw ! oh ! ain't you English green?" chimed in young precocity. " Very well, then, I will risk it," answered Egerton, quietly. And he did ; and young precocity admitted that he swam fairly well, that is, for an Englishman. To make a long story short, dur- ing his stay in Kawasska, this young Englishman, who had been accus- tomed to ride the most mettlesome steeds across the stiffest country, was warned not to mount a Canadian horse until he understood its ways. He had been used to the crankiest kind of racing craft to be found on Isis or Thames ; but he was earn- estly entreated not to venture out in a sixteen-foot canoe. He had fished for salmon in Scotland and Norway ; but he was told that it would be ■"• consequently his veracity was sel- dom, if ever, openly doubted. On this occasion, however, the pas- sengers arose, one by one, and remarked that they wondered what the weather was like on deck, leav- ing me alone with the sportsman. He appeared to be a little bit hurt, and, being naturally of a timid dis- position, I did not dare to address him. Yet, I had an aching longing to hear more about those frogs with feathers and tails. I never knew before that frogs grew feathers nor wore tails. So I rang the bell for the steward, and told him to bring me a stiff glass of Scotch whiskey, which, having imbibed, I screwed up my courage and said, " will you kindly tell me, sir, if those frogs can talk ?" He gazed at me with a look of unutterable contempt and said, " Talk ! ! ! They sing, sing beautifully and in chorus to the accompaniment of a curious instru- ment, made of reeds upon which the female frogs play." " Thank you, sir," I said, and I also left to look at the weather. CURIOUS FACTS. 41 ! This gentleman told many other stories of a like nature ; and before the voyage was ended, I became sufficiently intimate with him to ask him of his business and destination. He informed me that, for tl^e pre- sent, he was travelling to collect information, but that ultimately he was going to the World's Fair as the special representative of " Un- varnished Truth." T\\Q S. P. C. B. I. It was on board the S.S. Nutni- dian. The usual concert in aid of the Liverpool Seaman's Orphan Institute was about to be held, and I was requested to give a reading of a comic nature. (It is a curi- ous fact that men of reserved disposition and dignified demeanor should be expected to sing comic songs, or deliver comic recitations, but, alas ! it is the case.) Well, I had nothing with me to read, and I V ^^gSSBBSSOP H 43 CURIOUS FACTS. could remember nothing to recite, that had not been recited before, and yet I disliked to be thought churlish, so I promised to do the best I could. As the time for the concert drew near and still found me unprepared, I was fairly at my wits' end. For- tunately, on the morning of the very day, an inspiration seized me. Here was a splendid opportunity of introducing my " Cause." We had a pleasant voyage. All the sea-sick patients were well, and calling for bottled beer, and we were in the smooth waters of the gulf. Folks under these circumstances ought to be impressionable, if ever, and I might gather in a few dollars to aid me in my work. So after the piano- solo had been performed, and a few songs sung, my name was called, and I advanced, blushingly, and delivered the following soul-stirring address: / " I have been requested to give you a reading or a recitation of a comic character, and I quite intended to do so. But, last night, the solemn booming of the fog horn, by remind- I* CURIOUS FACTS. 43 ing me of the musical buzzing of our Canadian mosquitoes, filled my mind with better thoughts, my heart with higher aspirations. I have therefore decided, even at the risk of trying your patience, to make use of the short time allotted to me, in endeavouring to enlist your sym- pathies on behalf of the S.P.C.B.I. of which society I have the honor to be the originator, and of which I am, at present, owing to lack of membership. President, Secretary and Treasurer. The first two of these offices I shall be happy to resign ; the last, for financial reasons, I desire to retain. The magic letters, S. P. C. B. I. stand for " Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Buzzing Insects." We have societies for the preven- tion of cruelty to animals, and for the prevention of cruelty to children, but it has been my high privilege to originate the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Buzzing Insects. Think of the vast field we have open for our labours. Bury yourselves in the solitude of a cedar swamp, on a ^> 44 CURIOUS FACTS. summer day, and think the matter over, calmly, if you can. There is scarcely a man or a woman, no matter how unblameable their private life may be ; there is scarcely an innocent child, who will not ruthlessly slay a poor, tender, little mosquito, when the oppor- tunity occurs, in the most cruel and horrible manner, namely, by crush- ing it to death. I am credibly informed that this atrocity has actu- ally been perpetrated by a minister of the Gospel during the perform- ance of his public duties. In England, that proud centre of advanced civilization, I grieve to find that little or no attention seems to be paid to the comfort and wel- fare of that most interesting of insects, the common wasp. And, in order to induce a better feeling, I have composed the following verse- let entitled "The Wail of the Wasp," which I hope, some day to have set to music for the junior branch of the society. It will indeed be a proud day for me, when I hear the fresh young i^ ii mm ■WT" CURIOUS FACTS. 45 J * voices joining fervently in singing " The Wail of the Wasp." It goes thus : I'm a charming little insect, yet some- how people fail To love me, on account of my objection- able tail. I would often nestle fondly in a maiden's silken hair, But her energetic movements shew that I'm not wanted there. I love to bask in sunshine upon the old arm-chair. But find, when I'm discovered, that I am not wanted there. If I hover round a table filled with lusci- ous fruit, and rare. The flourished napkins warn me that I am not wanted there. Sometimes I grow aweary, and I would gladly rest My limbs amid the flowers that adorn a lady's breast. Or humbly creep beneath her skirt, or up her flowing sleeve, But even there, she does not care to have me, I believe. And, oftentimes I buzz around a gentle- man and beg That he will give me shelter inside his trouser leg. And I notice he begins at once to stamp and kick and swear, ^ ■ :zp ^f:^ I {■ 46 CURIOUS FACTS. Which shows me unmistakably that I'm not wanted there. If I would join a pic-nic in the woods or on the stream The men all try to kill me, the foolish women scream. And even pious folks combine to leave me in the lurch, For they do not make me welcome if I take a seat in church. What can a helpless insect do ? Re- venge is sweet, I'll try To sting as many as I can, then lay me down and die. I hope at some future time to establish a branch of my society in England, when the claim that the wasp has upon humanity will be properly recognized ; but, at present I find that the protection of mos- quitoes in Canada will fully occupy my time and attention. The effect that the harmless buzzing of these little creatures has upon some creatures is truly marvel- ous. It seems to arouse the savage instincts that lie dormant in the most tender of human breasts. I have actually heard a young lady of a notoriously sweet disposition express 4 .. ■SSi^mBH vmrn^ CURIOUS FACTS. 47 4 f a cruel wish to "jab" the poor, helpless little creatures with a hair- skewer. I have known a gray- haired old man to allow himself to be driven almost to the verge of profanity simply by the sound pro- duced by the wings of these little insects ; and it seemed to me a sad, sad instance of the depravity of human nature. Oh, my dear friends ! such things ought not to be. Will you not join me in my noble task ? You cannot, perhaps, aid me by your personal labours, but you may with your purses. If it is the opinion of the majority of those present, that my claim is a better one than that of the Liverpool Seaman's Orphan Institute, I am not too proud to receive the proceeds of this concert, to be applied, ahem ! as circum- stances may direct on my arrival at Montreal. In my capacity of Treasurer, I shall be happy to receive subscrip- tions, and no matter how small the amounts, you may rest assured that they will be faithfully expended. i*^ ^rm WST" T r 48 CURIOUS FACTS. At the conclusion of the concert, the chairman most good-naturedly put the matter to the vote : , .1 on account of some ridiculous prejudice it was decided that the proceeds of the entertainment should go to the Sea man's Orphan Institute. i 4 Tl\e AosqUitoes' Lay. Weary sportsman, won't you rest awhile ? You've laboured hard all day Plying rod, and gun and paddle. Rest, and listen to our lay. Pitch your tent and spread your blankets Poor, toil-worn, weary man • And, whilst we hover round you Slumber sweetly — if you can. We will keep a faithful vigil, We'll be near you all the night. Nor cease our soothing lullaby Unless it be to bite. And, ingrate, if you kill us When by rage and anguish torn We've a host of blood relations Who will sing to you till morn, I P-J' "If { CURIOUS FACTS. 49 T\\e story of a Terrible Temq- pest ir^ a Teapot. {An Allegory of the Prohibition Contest.) " If you please, ma'am," said Mary Jane, "will you kindly step into the kitchen? The teapot and the whiskey bottle are going on out- rageously, and master's pipe is sit- ting on the table encouraging them." A terrible row was certainly going on. On the stove sat a teapot, swelled out with what the leniently disposed are wont to designate self- esteem, but which the majority of mankind would term self-righteous- ness or conceit. The teapot was so puffed up and excited that, if the roof of her head had not been con- structed with ■ the express object of avoiding such a catastrophe, it would undoubtedly have been blown off. "You!" she was puffing, ad- dressing a whiskey bottle, who was lounging on a table near by. "You ! How dare you talk back to me? Do you know who I am? I shall 50 CURIOUS FACTS. certainly ask the mistress to have you forbidden the kitchen. How dare you come here, vitiating the air with your horrid, foetid breath? What would my friends say if they saw me, a respectable lady, in such a company?" And here a tear welled out from the top of her head, and rolled slowly down her side until it fell hissing on the stove. "Oh, come now, old girl," said the whiskey bottle, "draw it mild, do. If it comes to respectability, I am as respectable as you are any day. I and my sweetheart, Polly, go into just as good society as you do." "Your sweetheart, Polly! Polly who?" screamed the teapot. "A nice kind of dirty drab she must be to keep company with a disreputable blackguard like you. I shouldn't like to be seen in her society." *' Polly Naris," roared back the whiskey bottle, now thoroughly aroused. "And don't you call names. It's unladylike and vulgar, and never does any good. She is a i r i; CURIOUS FACTS. 51 nice little girl — not a nasty, vixen- ish old maid, like you, who can see no good in anybody but yourself and your old maid friends." " Who's calling names now ? " re- torted the teapot. " My old maid friends, indeed ! I would have you know, you low scoundrel, that some of the most pious men in the coun- try, clergymen, are my friends." And here the teapot gave a con- temptuous sniff. " Well," said the whiskey bottle, coolly, •* Lots of parsons like me, and Polly, too. And not parsons only, but lawyers and doctors, and lords and dukes and princes, and the Queen herself, God bless her!" And here the whiskey bottle rever- ently raised the cork off the top of his head, for he is a loyal old chap, with all his faults. I go into the drawing-rooms," replied the teapot, proudly. " I should just like to see you and your Polly there." " Yes, and a nice mess you make of it, ruining the women's nerves, and making the poor children puny k— 52 CURIOUS FACTS. and sickly. It is jow, with your narrow-minded ideas and stuck-up notions, who ought to be excluded from decent society." " Oh, don't begin that argument," said the teapot, impatiently; "you haven't a leg to stand on." " I've plenty of legs to stand on," rejoined the whiskey bottle, just a little incoherently. ** But I can't alway-sh — hie — stand on them." "I suppose," here remarked the pipe, coming to his friend's assist- ance, ** I suppose somebody will find fault with me, and want to kick me out next." v " You, indeed," screamed the tea- pot. " What right have you to offer an opinion, I should like to know?" *' Oh, everyone has a right to ex- press his own opinion in this world," returned the pipe, nonchalantly. " I have always associated with learned men. I have lived at the large uni- versities, and I travel about a good bit. I know very well what I am talking about." ell, don't do it again, then," id the teapot, viciously, and it ' i T <( CURIOUS FACTS. 53 ' must be confessed somewhat incon- sequently. "And as for ^om," she continued, turning to the whiskey bottle, "all the world knows that you ought not to be allowed to exist." " The world doesn't treat me as if it thought so," returned the bottle, dryly. " Not your world, perhaps, but my world does. All the good, pure, right-thinking people say so. Besides, my church has condemned you, and that is quite sufficient in itself." "Well, my church hasn't," re- turned the bottle, "and my church is a bigger church and an older church than yours. So, there!" And what is more. I've got nearly all the doctors on my side. Why, what nonsense you talk ; folks were my friends and stuck to me, and found health and comfort in my society before you were born or thought of. Pooh! you're nearly all water, anyway, and the rest of you is malice and spite. You're always talking about religion, you are; and you're not even mentioned 54 CURIOUS FACTS. in llie Bible. Whoever said you "made glad the heart of man " or "strengthened man's heart," or any- thing like that, I should like to know? I pity the poor fellow who marries you, that is, if any man is ever fool enough to make you an offer." »* Make me an offer," shrieked the teapot. " Do you think I'd ever marry a nasty, horrid, whiskey- loving man?'* •* You couldn't very well marry another old teapot," put in the pipe. •• Oh, you shut up," screamed the teapot, quite forgetting her gentility in her rage. "Nobody wants to hear what you have to say ; nor you either," turning to the bottle. " If only dear Brother Howlandshout were here!" --^ -:'^ .•;:-;:::.:; "Oh, bother Brother Howland- shout ! Who cares what he says ? There are thousands of people who have never even heard of him. Now, if Cardinal !" ^ : "Ah, hh!" screamed the teapot, trying to shut her ears, and scalding herself in the attempt, " I cannot <► CURIOUS FACTS. 55 i. sit here and hear this. This is gross impiety. Don't talk to me about cardinals, and wicked things like that. Even you might take some pity on a lonely, unprotected female." And again the hot tears rolled out and fell hissing on the stove. " Well, old girl," said the bottle, good-naturedly, " I don't want to hurt your feelings ; let us talk about doctors, then." " Indeed, and indeed, I have doc- tors' friends, too," simpered the tea- pot, blushingly. " Precious few of them, and mostly cranks at that," remarked the pipe. "Shut up, >'0M," screamed the teapot. "Well, let us talk about the statesmen, and the judges and the generals and admirals, who have honored me with their friendship, to say nothing of the kings and bish -" "Oh, h'h'h!" howled the teapot. " Do stop ; you don't know what your talking about. Everybody says so. " Except the " commenced the pipe. iHlj 56 CURIOUS FACTS. " Will you shut ? " screamed the << or teapot, at the top of her voice, I'll " What she would have done will never be known, for just then the mistress, of the house entered and stopped the discussion. , ... . i ,,, , " You are, both of you^ very good folks, in your ze'o^'," she qpietly remarked. *.' And I. shall )ceep you both in your proper places. : put I will not have . my house disturbed any longer in this unseemly planner. If you would only follow the rules that I have laid down for your guid- • ance you might liye together ijn ^pe^ce and charity, bearing with ope smother and helping one another instead of , quarrelling iike i lot of ftngry, old women. And as for you," she continued, turping to the teapot, V.you should learn to, respect otlier people's opinion, and nqt make your- self ridiculous by flying in a rige because you cannot make all the worlds conforin to your own narrow ideas." ^ , •y^p V_.T> !^ - ;-■■ :■! ':.• l:J ■ ). -t: ■ ■> !.■;■ ' .oo 4 4 M Curious facts. 57 Curious Effect of Singing, or\ ilnvr a Cat. Mrs. C.*s voice had been care* fully and expensively trained, and she allowed her poorer neighbours to become cognizant of that fact. She rarely allowed an opportunity of referring to Miss K., the well known, high-priced singing instruc- tress, to pass, and strange to say this idosyncracy did not add to her popularity. On one occasion she was asked to sing at the houise of her rich aunt, a number of guests being pr^setit. As she commenced her song, her aunt's favorite cat commenced to cross the floor, with cohscious dignity peculiar to cats belonging to " Unappropriated bless- ings,'* as a friend of mine designates ttiaiden liadies of a certain age. The cat reached the centre of the floor just as Mfs. C. reached her highest note, and the draught produced by the latter, lifted pussy completely off her hind legs and carried her tail, rin^'ltfi^l'i'"'--l 5« CURIOUS FACTS. in spiral waves towards the ceiling. The cat's tail never came quite straight again, and Mrs. C.'s aunt sent for her lawyer the next day and altered her will. Mrs. C. has never been asked to sing, in that house, since. Ideal Aiddle Age. He was not too old to be young, Nor was he too young to be old. The hair on his chin nor too thick nor too thin Was a mixture of silver and gold. The gold was the youth that was left. The silver, experience gained. Brain of man, heart of boy, he ' learned to enjoy The hale middle-age that lemained. He cared not for dogma nor creed. Believed that God governed his life. His motto from youth was, Love, Relief, Truth. The girl of his heart was his wife. "BOULEYERSEMENT." ,-;. . I its:w5Ki'.iii<^ 1 1 lu. t m" Bos, an ox, genetive bovis, of an ox, etc., etc. It is really very unpleasant to be called an ox, by a bi^ fellow like that." i : I : ; \ ' ; Enter Waiter. M^'knf0ck; Mr. y. ** Oh, here he is. Come in. 1. ^^ EnUf SmoU Smart, dressed in black, with immense display of ^hirt front and hyige diamo^4 'breast pin. ' ' ^ '' ' ' ' '. "l . Simon S. " Qqod eyeiyng,, sir, Vour servant, ma'am." , . •Wr« 3' " .Now,, remember, , iny loye, ppcicet your prej[udi,ce a^d sayi Qopdey^ping.".'..; ,, ■,,.;,;, ,- |.,,,,. ^ ^J^r5,j?, (l^riguidly).: •' Good eyje;^- 1. >, " J ■ ip ^^^^^^H| 74 " BOULEVERSEMENT.' I ll Simon S. " Simon Smart, ma'am. That's the name I've hailed by since I was a babby. You look real sick though. Well, well, well, w^omen folk do play out some after a journey. You'll feel spryer after a bit. Fine climate, ma'am ; fine people and fine country, though I say it. We are hospitable folk, ma'am. Always ready to take the stranger in." Mr. y. "Take a chair, Mr. Srii-^rt, and we will proceed straight to business. I have no secrets from my wife, and if you feel disposed to give us any advice, why, it's only right that she should have the beriC- fit of it, as well as myself." Mrs. y. (faintly). '♦ He smells of tobacco. I fear I shall not be able to endure his presence." Mr. y. " On, nonsense, my love. (Fans her furiously). You must lay aside your prejudices. Well, Mr. Smart, I will state my case simply and clearly, and if you can assist me, why, of course, I shall be very happy to er you know, any- thing in the way of commission." Simon S. (Aside : " You can •41 -.- ff J'P i •♦ BOULEVERSEMENT.' 75 :« trust this coon to look out for num- ber one.") '* Oh, don't mention it. If I can be of any use, I'm sure I'm most happy." Mr. y. "I found that my capital would not admit of my living in England, as Mrs. Jameson and my- self have been accustomed to live ; and, by the advice of friends, we, came out here, trustmg that the higher rate of interest to be obtained for money, and the small expense of living, would enable us, in time, to save enough to resume our true position at home. Ahem. I have just ;^i 5,000 to invest, and I am anxious to put it out to the very best advantaf,e. Now, what do you advise ? " -- ' - -• Simon. S. (Aside : •* About $70- 000. Mind your eye, Simon, and you're a made man.") " Now, look here, stranger, I would rather not advise. It is a delicate matter, and if you should lost a cent, yes, only one red cent, through me, I could never forgive myself, never. I think, perhaps, after all, you had better consult a lawyer. Say, does your t ; 76 " BOULEVERSEMENT." missus mind smoke ? Cos' if she does, I'll chaw." Mrs. J, "He will do what ? What does he mean ? Smoke ! ! Oh the savage ! To think that I have brought myself to this ! " (Pre- pares to go into hysterics.) Mr. J. (Fanning and adminis- tering eau de Cologne.) •• You must calm yourself, my dear, and try to lay aside your prejudices." (To S. S.) " Oh dear, no, Mrs. Jameson delights in smoke. Pray light your cigar." (Aside: " One must humour these people, if one wants to get anything out of them.") Simon S. " No, I guess I'll chaw. Don't want to disoblige a lady." (Aside : •' Guess she'll soon be cured of her squeamishness in this country.") Mr. J. "I think you said that it would not be a judicious plan for one who wishes to realize a large for- tune, in a short space of time, to consult a lawyer. In fact, I fancied that you hinted that you could put one in the way of accumulating property, surely and without risk." «( \ \ immm " BOULEVERSEMENT. >» 77 she Simon S. (to the audience). '* Now, what is a fellow to do with a greenhorn like this ? As a con- scientious man, I feel that I ought to teach him a lesson. What he wants is experience, and plenty of it, laid on thick, you understand. What I want is money, and lots of it. My duty is clear. / have ex- perience ; he has money. / guess we'll trade. (To Mr. J.) Well, remember this, I don't want you to be advised by me. I have not shoved myself in upon you, have I ?" Mr. J. " No, certainly not. Pray proceed. - • • Simon S. " I could recommend certain shares, but I don't know but what I should be betraying con- fidence if I did so. If you'll promise to keep mum, I'll put you on a safe track." Mr. J. "I promise, as a man of honour and a gentleman." Simon S. " That'll do. I think you're square. Now, follow me. Don't touch first mortgages. Don't touch Government bonds, and don't touch I)ank stock. I once knew a 4' — Mil— llWHIIIIIlii 78 U BOULEVERSEMl'.NT. man who lost money by handling bank stock. A man may lose money that way as easy as a girl can learn what she ought'nt at a public school. Now, there's a company being formed in this town, of which I — ahem — have the honour to be president. We have a secretary, an overseer, a superintendent, a treas- urer, an inspector (each drawing a good salary), a board of directors, a purpose and a name. But at present our stock is not all subscribed for. In fact, we require a small amount of ready money in addition to the funds we have on hand. So, stranger, there's your chance. I'll guarantee that every individual that has a finger m our pie will have good, solid reasons to remember the day on which he became a share- holder." : ■ . Mr. J. 'VBless me ! How much do you require ? (To Mrs. J.) You see, my love, here's a fortune dropped at our feet out of the clouds, as it were. What do you think of it?" Mrs. J. (faintly). '* He smells of tobacco." I'i CMMWP WMfl WWI '* BOULEVERSEMENT.' 79 So, I'll 1 Mr. jf. '• Pooh, nonsense, all pre- judice, my dear. (To S. S. clapping him on the back) How much shall it be ? Nobody shall say that I let a chance, like this, slip by." .: Simon S. (promptly) " Twenty thousand dollars." i' Mr. y. "You shall have it to- morrow. By the way, I must look about for some place of residence, servants, furniture, a horse, and all that sort of thing. It's an awful nuisance." Simon S. (reflectively). "It strikes me, now, that I heard of a house, all ready furnished, for sale — a dead bargain, too — only the other day. I know I heard of a man who knew of another man that has a horse for sale. As to servants, they are hard to pick up, that's a fact. You see, our girls are educated somewhat differently now to what they used to be; and folks has to pay school taxes accordingly. At the Public Schools they learn algebra, and poetry, and music, and high art, and at some of the old-fashioned ones, they teach them to read and write I 8o " BOULEVERSEMBNT.' iii )' ! and cipher as well. Consequently, our girls all want to be ladies, and keep a store ; and our boys all want to be gentlemen, and keep a store, too." Mr. y. «' What's a store ?" Simon S. ** Oh ! a place where they sell silk, and satin, and ploughs and anchors, and books, and whiskey, and boots, and candies, and guns, and pianos, and things." Mr. ^. •' I s e. So you think it will be difficult to get a servant ?" Simon S. •♦ Well, it might. But it strikes me that I heard of a highly respectable young woman, the other day, who was willing to live out at service. If you like, I'll . . ." Mr. J. " Thanks, if you would be so kind ; and also to find out about the house, and the horse." Simon S. "I'll do the best I can for you. (Aside: And for myself, too. Let me see, house and furni- ture worth five thousand dollars ; charge him seven thousand five hundred, fair commission. Horse worth seventy-five ; charge him a hundred and fifty — fair commission. " BOULEVERSEMENT." 8l a man must live. I should'nt be surprised if I treated myself to a fresh box of cigars before long. When a man takes upon himself the duties of a middle man he must be well paid for his trouble. Ask any middle man in this country, if that's not so)." Mr. y. "Thanks. I really am extremely obliged to you." Simon S. " Don't mention it. Now I must be going. Good night, maam. Good night, sir." Mr. y. '* Good night. I shall see you in the morning?" Simon S. " Yes. Good night." '" ^•"■■^ - ' .4-':^-v. ^.•- : [Exit. Mrs. J. (rousing herself). ** Now^ Mr. Jameson, I'll thank you to call in a doctor at once." -'^'^" ^•'•- Mr. y. "A doctor ! What for my love?" ■-'•■ >-'^ •■• ^/' ■•- '^^^^'^i' Mr. jf. ^^ Can you ask me, when I have been shut up for hours with a man who eats — devours — raw tobacco. Oh ! my poor, poor nerves." (Hysterics). Mr. y. Rings the bell. Enter Waiter. '■^■-'--••'■^'■:^'; ^'^'^ ^- 82 " BOULEVERSEMENT." (J If Ji ! Mr. y. " Run for a doctor, quick." Waiter. " What's the matter, Boss? Old lady got the strikes again. I can cure her. Fillip her nose." (Approaches Mrs. J. and fillips her nose). Mrs. y. "Oh, you wretch." (Seizes a footstool and hits waiter on the head, then makes for Mr. J., who vanishes. Vents her fury on the waiter). Curtain falls. ACT 1. SCENE 4. Sitting-room in hotel. Mrs. Jame- son reclining in a luxurious arm- chair fanning herself; scent bottle in hand. Mrs. J. "It is really too bad ! Mr. Jameson has gone off with that odious creature. Smart, who eats tobacco, to see a horse; and he has left me, a poor, feeble, weak crea- ture, to have an interview with one of the natives, a girl — or perhaps I should say *a young female native,' with a view to hiring her as my servant. (Looks at her watch.) She should be here soon. I wonder vvhat she will be like — a quiet, =*ie *' BOULEVERSEMENT." 83 modest, timid, awkward creature, no doubt, who will be absolutely terror-stricken at finding herself for the first time in the presence of a lady. Ah ! there she is. Come in." Enter Arabella Jane, extrava- gantly dressed, with huge Gains- borough hat, turned up with scar- . let, simpering, and endeavoring to appear perfectly at her ease. . Ara. " How de do ! Glad to make your acquaintance. It's a real treat, to see fresh faces here." (Holds out her hand.) • - - Mrs. J. (haughtily). " Really, I, ah! I was expecting a young per- son called Snubb.",f ;. v - "^y^. Ara. "That's me. I'm Miss Arabella Jane Snubb. Glad to see you. Real nice weather, ain't it now?" -roi ."-•:- ■ -. ,rj;:!- ih>^ Mrs. J. (aside.) ♦♦ She's Arabella Jane Snubb ! ! ! Absurd ! ridiculous ! preposterous! I could never think of hiring a creature like this." r.. Ara. "Mr. Smart — nice gentle- nqian. Mr. Smart, ain't you ac- quainted? He's a friend of my 84 " BOULBVERSEMENT.' pa-a-a's; and he come around last night and said as how you wanted a young lady to help wash up, and cook and scrub and sich. Tm deli- cate myself; but I said I didn't mind coming, seein' you English is so helpless. (Confidentially.) See here, now : if you'll do the washing and the ironing and the cooking, light all the fires, make up the rooms and milk the cow, if you keep one, I'll do the rest. I guess I'll take off my hat and sit down and be sociable a bit. You must be real lonesome here, that's a fact. I see you've got a pie-anner here, too. I'll play something presently. Pa-a-a and Mr. Smart, he, he, say I have an elegant touch. But then, you see, I don't get much time for prac- tice between French and Italian and German, algebra, Latin, He- brew, Greek, rhetoric, phy-loserphy, and all them things we learn to school, we don't get much time for other things. But I've quit school now, I have, and I guess I'll learn the tailoring business now ; all the girls does, cos its genteel, 1 ^mm " BOULEVERSEMENT. 85 guess I won't mind living with you for a bit, just to put you in the way of things and to oblige Mr. Smart, you know." Mrs. J. (sarcastically.) " Really, I feel indebted to you already. But as my health will scarcely admit of my doing the washing and ironing and the cleaning and cooking, to say nothing of the milking, I am afraid we shall not be able to come to terms." Ara. "I should have said scrub- bing, too, didn't I say scrubbing? I can't abear scrubbing; it do make the hands so indelicate. But if you're too sick to do them sort of things I guess I know of another girl who would come in to help me ; and we'd run you between us." Mrs. J. (still sarcastic.) ** That is a most tempting offer. I must con- sider it, and talk it over with Mr. Jameson. In the meantime 1 am afraid I must deprive myself of the pleasure of your company. I do not feel quite up to entertaining strangers at present. So good after- noon." IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) .V ^ A^ />%> C V\^ 1.0 I.I .....2.0 12.2 im 1-25 1.4 1.6 4 6" ► Photographic Sciences Corporation 23 WEST MAIN STRUT WIBSTIR.N.Y. 14580 (716)S72-4S03 V M ^V 4 •N? :\ \ j^*-^ \ v\ '^ r^ ^ 86 " bouleversement/ Ara. (Aside : '' Ain't she stand off like?") "Well, good afternoon. Whenever you feel lonesome just you send for me, and I'll drop in and cheer you up. Good afternoon." [Exit. Mrs. J. " I feel as if I should faint. I — oh! what shall I do? (Drops on sofa, but springs suddenly up.) I forgot that horrid waiter man. If I fainted he might come in and take hberties with my nose again." - Enter Mr. Jameson and Simon Smart. Mr. J. (cheerfully.) " Well, my love, here we are again." , .^^ Simon S. Your's obedient, iiia'am. Feeling kinder perkier, I hope? If I was you, I'd smile a little more frequent." Mrs. J. " Smile I What does the man mean ? Impertinence ! ! " Mr. J. *• He does not mean it for impertinence, my dear. * Smile ' is the Choctaw for taking stimulant. Well, I've seen the house, and I've bought the horse and the shares in Mr. Smart's company.". " BOULEVERSEMENT." ^7 id off loon. just Mrs. J. " Indeed ! May I ask what is the object of the company ? I mean is it railway or mining or what ? I have no head for busi- ness, but I have a sort of dim idea that one ought to enquire about these things ; and I presume it has never occurred to^'ow to do so?" Mr. J. " Upon my word, my dear, it never did occur to me to ask. My great object is to strike while the iron is hot. I daresay Mr. Smart can enlighten you. All I know is that I am a large share- holder, and that's all I care about. I have opened a bank account, and Mr. Smart will see that the divi- dends, or whatever they are called, are paid in weekly to my credit." Mrs. J. " How delightful ! Still, Mr. Jameson, I should like to know something about the company. You, ahem! perhaps forget that you are at least partly indebted to me for the money you are investing." Mr. J, (Aside: "No fear of for- getting that.) "Certainly, my love; very right and proper. Ask Mr. Smart." 88 " BOULEVERSEMENT.' Simon S. (Aside: "I guess the missus is head of the firm. I must mind my p's and q's. Strange, now, that women should have cuter busi- ness instincts than their husbands. They have, though, that's a fact. But then, as a set-off against that they are hampered with a consciencey or some such tomfoolery as that. It . strikes me, if I'd been born a woman with a good serviceable conscience, or none at all, I'd have made a fortune long ago. As it is, if the old lady don't trip me up, I shall do pretty well. (Turning to Mrs. J.) The object of this company, maam, is to buy up patents. Patents are often frauds. Public robbery licensed. Now, there's the ' Rocky Mountain Indian Scalp Renovator.' Sheer swindle, made of hair oil and gin. Sells for a dollar a bottle. We shall offer it to the public for twenty- five cents, and make a clear profit of twenty cents a bottle. Then there's Jones' Hair Frizzier (I'll send you ever a box to try) — they sell them for fifty cents per box. We shall put them at fifteen and s ! Wm^ •««•—<■■• ttmmm—tmmm ** BOULBVERSEMENT.' 89 I gain ten, thereby. Swindleum's Patent Electrified Oil ; cures the whooping-cough in pigs and cattle, headaches, toothache, and especially high strikes — put that in for her benefit"— in humans : answers for hair oil, boot polish and (enthusi- astically) its bully good stuff to take after a big drunk. Til send you some. Oh, pur company is going to be a big thing, maam, a big thing, you bet." Mrs. J. *' Well, I am sure I hope it will, now that Mr. Jameson is interested in it. I, also, have been busy this afternoon. I have had a visitor. Miss Stubbs." Simon S. "Oh, Arabella. Fine slip of a girl, ain't she ? Genteel, too, you bet. Did she play the pie- anner for you ? Well educated, too. Speaks French and Italian like a German. She'll suit you well." Mrs. y, "I must confess I have my doubts. She seems inclined to be forward, not to know her place. I — that is, we are not accustomed to such highly accomplished servants." Simon S. " I daresay not, niaam, (.1 90 '* BOULEVERSEMENT." u - f< T you are a stick-in-the-mud lot on the other side, that's a fact. Here, we're all for going ahead and turning things upside down, ' bully versing them,' as the French say." . Mrs. J, " Subverting the order of things. So I see. And I suppose one must submit to it." . : .....>& Simon S. ** Of course 3rou must. Arabella will suit you well. All you have to do is to take the hard work off her shoulders, and hold your tongue t and you'll get on together like clockwork." Mrs, jf. (indignant). " Hold my tongue, sir ! ! ! " Simon S, "Yes. Don't always be nagging and finding fault, if the work aint done; or the cups and saucers get broken; or the dinner not on time, and so on. Our girls aint used to it ; and, what's more, they will not put up with it. It always drives them to matrimony or something of that sort." Mrs. y. ** I am extremely obliged to you for your advice, sir, and I trust I shall never drive any unfor- tunate girl to commit anything so dreadful." .. J ** BOULEVERSEMENT.' 91 Simon S. " I'm sure you will not, maam. (Aside : * She's a stiff- necked old party; but she'll get some of the starch taken out of her before long)»" Mr. y. "Owing to Mr. Smart's disinterested kindness, my dear, we shall be able to move into our house immediately." Simon S, (Aside :" Disinterested, eh ; I wonder if he sees any green in my eye." Mrs. y. " I am sure I am delighted to hear it, for I am heartily tired of this hotel life. (To S. S.: Are you going ? well, good night)." [Exit Simon Smart. Mrs. y. " Somehow I cannot bring myself to like that man. He smells horribly of tobacco ; and. I doubt his honesty." Mr. J. "Prejudice, my love, all prejudice." ' r " ■' t U'^^ -n- Mrs. jf. " That's what you always say. How cruel you are I I feel quite faint even now." ^' : ^^A Mr. y. " Shall I ring for the waiter, my love ?" ?'r! IL H? I ^^^n-* Mrs. jf.. ^* You wret£h." (Springs to her feet and leaves the room).:: I mmmBmrn 1 ' J ga " BOULEVERSEMENT.' Mr. y. " There she goes. I have dropped on several good things since I have been in this country, and by no means the least valuable, a cure for hysterics. I shall reward that waiter liberally." [Exit, ACT I. SCENE 5. Scene. Mr. Jameson lying on a sofa, his head and on^ leg bandaged. Mr. J. "Well, I've tried my horse, and taken the consequences. Horse started off and I pulled the reins. The harder I pulled, the faster he went. We met a buggy, as they call them here, and I pulled off to the left. Til be shot if the other fellow didn't pull straight into me. The result was a smash. Afterwards I had the whole thing explained to me. The horses in this country are taught to go when they are pulled upon, and to stop when the reins are loosened. And the people pass each other on the wrong side, when driving. It is a com- plete bouleversement of the order of things ; but, as my wife very truly remarks, one is apt to find that in this part of the world." ^m^r^ r-»HW^^=T!P»^ ** BOULEVERSEMENT.' 93 \ Enter Mrs. Jameson. Mrs. y, *♦ Well, my dear, how is your head ?" Mr. y, " Very painful." Mrs. y. •* And your leg ? Does it feel any easier ? " - - rt „ Mr. y. " Somewhat easier. I think I shall go to my dressing-room and put on another cold water band- age. Now I think of it, though, there is no water there." Mrs. y. " I will tell Arabella to take some in. Where is the bell ? There is none. I must call. Ara- bella ! (No answer.) Arabella. (No answer.) (Louder still) — Arabella !" Ara. (from below). " That'll do. I'm coming." >". ^ is. i. ;r-^VL £n^«r Arabella. Ara, (to Mr. J.). " How do you feel yourself now ? Kinder stiff, I guess. A feller feels real mean, now, when he goes and smashes up his head and legs that way. I remember my pa-a-a, he got jacked up that way once, but he'd been lifting his little finger, and, says I " 11 94 " BOULEVERSEMENT.' Mrs. y. (haughtily). ** Arabella, Mr. Jameson wants some cold water taken to his dressing-room." A ra. (blandly). " Is that so ? " Well, the pump is just outside the door, and you'll find a pail handy somewheres in the kitchen. And, say ! while you're down there just put a stick in the fire, and see that the cakes ain't burning. I'll sit with your man a bit, and cheer him up."-. ■^■■■•1 V,- — -::'*. ^ ..^v Mrs. J. (distractedly). ** Did you ever hear such gross impertinence ? I believe she thinks I'm going to pay her, and do all the work myself. (To Arabella.) I will thank you to go and get the water at once. And never presume to sit down again in my. presence." --/iviocl} ^ '•.>- r ^«vie Ara. " If you think I'm going to lug pails of water about, you're mis- taken. And as to sitting down, why shouldn't I ?".:rr:- sv;;;;t I .i! C*^*?; &7- .Mrs. y. " Because it is imper- tinent, and shews a great want of respect. Are you going to do as I bid you, or not ? " moc? ba»^ imevH 4?'«. " I guess not. It's ijo use : " BOULEVERSEMBNT." 95 getting mad. You'll find that out before you've been in this country long. Jack's as good as his master here, and I guess Arabella is as good as her missus, and maybe a trifle better." Mrs. y. " Leave the house at once, and never dare to set your foot in it again. (Leaves the room and calls from outside) — Mr. Jame- son ! Mr. Jameson ! " Mr. J. " Coming, my love." (rises painfully and follows her.) Ara. '* Well, now, did you ever ? Ain't them English awful ? I never could get along with that woman. She'd never suit me, never." Enter Simon Smart. Simon S. (looking round the room). •* Where's Mr. Jameson ? I knocked, and made a noise in the hall, but nobody came, so I thought I'd step in. I have important news for him, but I guess he won't relish it. The company's bust up. Treas- urer and secretary left suddenly for Brazil, and took all they could lay their hands on with them. All 1 \ 96 *' BOULEVERSBMENT.' 1 that's saved of the wreck is the twenty thousand dollars Mr. J. handed to me. He'll lose that, of course, and it's all / shall save. The thousand dollars I invested myself has gone to everlasting smash." Ara. (sympathetically). *u bet. ows no Si— I I'm all what / ire what er with to the dollars, ill keep 1, I say I was 3 Other tik you is' to a Simon S. "I'll keep a horse for you darling. (Aside: I'll give the one that broke old Jameson's head. He sold it to me this morning for twenty dollars)." Ara. '• And a servant ?" ' Simon S. '* Oh, certainly. (Aside : I guess Mrs. J. will be wanting a place now.) I'll give you anything if you'll only name a day." Ara. (ugly). " I've heard there's no time like the present." • •• 'i^" Simon S. '• That's 5o, come right along and we'll get hitched. The way we do business in this country is no slouch, you bet." ACT I. SCENE 6. : ....'. , Simon Smart seated in Mr. Jame^ son's house. n^.-" J) ; »i. .'»" ->; Simon 5. " This sort of thing can't go on much longer. I'm real tired of it, so I am. You see, when tha,t a-a-ass of an Englishman went and lost all his money, through fooling around after shares and other things he did not understand, I did ^ the liberal thing by him, yes siree. ; No one can call Simon Smart a ■ ,,[ Vii sen- ''i'V-^ifK It -jHaii.:!! ; !f^ ; » '♦ Ara. '* Oh, certainly, dear Mrs. Jameson. I guess I'll give you the front room, the one you used to like, you know, when the house belonged to " Simon S. " Arabella Jane, hush up. Don't go a-raking up old times; thought you had more gumption than that." Mr. 7. " Thanks. I am much obliged to you. But since Fortune has seen fit to wheel me back into my old place again, I think I shall go home, and not tempt her any more. At any rate, I have learned how to blacken boots and cut wood, and now I think I can take better care of my money." Mrs. J. •♦ And I've learned how to scour pots and pans. Look at that saucepan." (Points to one on Arabella's head.) Simon S. " Well, I guess I've done pretty well, too. If you should hear of any more Englishmen com- ing out here, with money to invest t send them to me, and I'll look after them." Mr. J, (sardonically) •• Oh, cer- <' BOULEVBRSEMENT. •» 103 tainly, after I have written a book relating my experience, and given each a copy. What shall I call it ?" Mrs. J. "Callit'Bouleversement,' my dear." [Exeunt omnes. 7 r n: VERSES. ., mm JIPV.,,, — TTUT (>\ ■'} ■ ■■■ '■.- r"^: A SUrqrT^er Yerselet. Down towards a pretty lakelet, strolled a maid with pretty hair. Upraised was her charming noselet, to inhale the summer air ; With her lovely dark brown eyelets gazing at the summer sky, Such a maid was gentle Minnie hee hee, ha ha, hi hi hi. Little flowerlets hid their headlets, by her footlets pressed to earth ; Then they raised them when she passed them, breaking forth in joyous mirth: " Minnie hee hee, Minnie ha ha, Minnie hi hi, Where's your beau ? Minnie Minnie hee hee, ha ha, hi hi hi hi, ho ho ho." On the brinklet of the lakelet stood the maiden Minnie fair. And the riplets of the wavelets kissed her feetlets white and bare. Laughing, cried to one another : " This is Minnie, don'tcher know ? Minnie hee hee, Minnie ha ha, Minnie hi hi, ho ho ho." $ io8 VERSES. 'Neath the wavelets sat a crablet, joy depicted in his eyes, As he watched her cosey toelets, and prepared a sweet surprise. When she felt his gentle pinchlet, rang her screamlet loud and far. Cried the crablet, "Caught ze Minnie hee hee, hi hi, ha ha ha." ;i il I From the woodlets strode her beaulet, flushed with anger, brave and grand, And he grasped a little clublet in his firm determined hand, Seized the crablet by its throatlet, dashed its brains out, then cried he : " I have saved you Minnie ha ha, Minnie you must marry me." Soon he led her to the churchlet where the priestlet made them one. There we'll leave them, bridelet, groom- let, happiest pair beneath the sun, While the bell-lets in the towerlet lift their joyous clappers high. Ringing loudly *' Happy Minnie hee hee, ha ha, hi hi hi." „ .L-. VERSES. 109 joy and 1' A Wir^ter Yerselet. In spite of the stern editorial frown on the stem editorial brow, Which the office-boys hail as a presaging sign of a royal editorial row. In spite of the horror my theme will arouse in the editor's bosom, you know, I shall send in the following beautiful lines on the beautiful, beautiful snow. Ah ! who does not pity the editor's wife, when she looks out of window and sees The first fall of beautiful snow on the ground, the beautiful snow on the trees ? When she timidly asks him, " Dear, what would you like for breakfast before you go ? " And he answers, " A dish of lunatic poets, boiled alive in their beautifwl snow." At the first fall of snow, the poets appear approaching the editor's door. And the beautiful snow which, adheres to their feet, falls and melts on the editor's floor. w no VERSES. /; And the smouldering fire in the editor's eyes doth kindle and sparkle and glow, As each one produces and hands him his lines on the beautiful, beautiful snow. And after the first fall of beautiful snow, if you look in the papers, you'll see A terrible record of editors' deaths, who have perished by felo-de-se. (This is one of the risks that insurance men dread, for the companies very well know That, of editors, not one in ten can sur- vive the first fall of beautiful snow.) Tradition relates that a wonderful sight may be seen by the curious and brave. Who, after the first fall of beautiful snow, shall visit an editor's grave. Loud groaning is heard, the earth is upheaved, produced by the efTorts below Of the corpse to get rid of tlie terrible weight of the beautiful, beautiful snow. itor'8 and VERSES. Ill Th\e ''awir^g of \\\e Crow. A SPRING VERSELET. When the weary winter's over with its frost, and cold, and snow, How refreshing 'tis to listen to the cawing of the crow. It reminds us that the calm, dark stream will be a roaring flood. It reminds us that we soon shall wade knee-deep in slimy mud. It reminds the farmer that he soon must plough, and sow his grain ; Each caw reminds him that the crows will scratch it up again. It reminds us that mosquitoes soon upon one will alight ; They are active little insects, and you'll know them by their bite. The weather prophets, I believe, take warning from that caw. And tell us that, ere July comes, we may expect a thaw. For cheering up our frozen hearts no music that I know Can compete at all successfully with the cawing oi the crow. 112 VERSES. Aay, 1S93. Of Oh, where are the buds that should be on the trees ? Oh, whence comes this frost-laden, cold-giving breeze ? And why doth the robin, attempting to please With his song, have to stop it, in order to sneeze ? The straw-bearing crow with his nest to equip, • ' ' Has to pause after every aerial trip To mix the seductive medicinal nip For himself and his wife, for they've both got la grippe. Oh, why doth the whilom exemplary bee Stay at home in her hive in the hollow, old tree. When she ought to be busy as busy can be '^"■'y ' '■ ^ Manufacturing honey for you and for me? Oh, why do our thoughts travel far, far away To the land where all nature is smiling and gay. Where, 'midst cowslips and primroses, little ones play, And the hedge-rows are bright with the sweet-scented May ? i VERSES. "3 T\\e Nursery Car. •Tis really just about enough to turn a fellow's brain To travel half a hundred miles with babies in the train. You can't help stepping on them as they crawl about the floors, Or you squeeze their little fingers in the windows or the doors. 'Twould surely be better far, to run a nursery car. They could slumber and dream or bellow and scream ... In a nice, snug nursery car. They utter piercing, piteous cries if you touch them in the least, And you hear their mothers' whisper, " That man*s a cruel beast." They get their hands and faces smeared with nasty, stickey stuff. Then wipe them on your coat-sle? ve, or your lady friend's best muff. 'Twould surely, etc. i.iv^ f-nr ■ It makes a bashful man like me blush redder than a rose When an infant toddles up and lisps, " Pease papa, bow my nose." r 114 VERSES. :t t\ They really ought to be confined in some sort of a pen, For they always go for inoffensive, bash- ful, nervous men. 'Twould surely, etc. When you're tired of infant prattle, and find it is no joke, You take your pipe and baccy to have a quiet smoke. But, oh ! ! ! when you come back again, you feel inclined to swear, To find a sweet babe sleeping in your fur coat, on your chair. 'Twould surely, etc. Their mothers think they're angels quite, and so indeed they are, But things so very precious ought to have a special car. I'd have it thickly padded and heated well with steam, And give the darlings lots of room to kick and cry and scream. In their own snug nursery car. The proud young papa and mamma, and grandparents gray, would cheerfully pay For a ride in the nursery car. i VERSES. "5 TY\e Story of a Stuffed Cariary. I- i Canary-bird Dick was a king in his way, As he sat in his gorgeous palace all day, And he whistled all day and half the night ; And chirruped and sang with all his might. But Dick was alone, and he soon grew tired Of whistling and singing and being admired. His mistress perceiving that he was alone, Introduced Mr. Dick to Canary-bird Joan. And Dick said to her, "Twit-twitter, twit-twee?" Which, being translated, means, " Do you love me?" Canary-bird Joan hung her head down and blushed, And for once in his life Dickey's song was hushed. ii6 VERSES. What Joan's answer was, I shall leave you to guess, When I tell you that "tweet" with canaries, means " yes." And so they were married. Before very long, Dick's children and grandchildren joined in his song And the village clerk said that " The village choir — Altho' every member sang like a brick — Could not be compared with the off- spring of Dick." At last, the poor bird grew so puffed up with pride, . That he suddenly moulted, then fell down and died. T /' EPITAPH. Hie jacet in pace canary-bird Dick He is stuffed full of wool, and placed on a stick. He delighted his mistress for eight years long With his early matins and even-song. Now, under this glass, poor Dick you may spy. Dead, alas ! ! ! to the ear, but alive to to the eye. i ■' VERSES. 117 A Aodern Sea Sor\g. Ho, double reef the smoke stack, haul taut the furnace doors, The smuts and sparks fly o*er us, the 'scape pipe loudly roars. fOur captain is a steamer bold, a steamer bold is he. Our ship's the staunchest iron tank that ever went to sea. When tempests roar round us, and stormy winds do blow, 'Tis then the gallant stoker men all *• rattle down below," While sea-sick lubbers from the shore bewail their fate, and oft Cry wildly for the steward, as they toss about aloft. Wiiat, tho' the seas break o'er us, in their snug cabin aft. The wheelsmen grand, in comfort stand, in their snug cabin aft. Nor strain their ears to catch the sound of " port," or " starboard" cries For the telegraphic dial is just before their eyes. Ht a man who sails a ship is a " sailor " why should not he who steams one, be called a "steamer?" -M ii8 VERSES. Boreas bold, has had his day, and sails are of the past, We never more shall need them, while coal and water last ; Jack Tar, of gallant memory, may live in books and rhyme, But the stokers, and the engineers are the seamen of our time. ! VERSES. 119 Thie Candidate. The great grand grisly grill-master sat glowering in his chair, The brander with his branding irons and pinching tongs was there, The brethren of the Frisky Goat were seated round in state To watch the operation on the tremb- ling candidate. The candidate gazed wistfully toward the guarded door, While drops of perspiration fell splash- ing on the floor, He longed for something soothing to lubricate his throat, As, borne upon the night wind, came the bleating of a goat. He thought of how, in troubled dreams, that awful goat appeared With twisted horns, and glowing eyes, and stiff and bristling beard. And then he thought of earlier days of innocence and joy, When he was still his mother's pet, his dada's baby boy. I20 VERSES. He thought he heard the order from the grim grill-master's seat, " Make bare the victim'^ bosom, bind fast his hands and feet." He thought he heard the bellows roar, the clanking of a chain. And, more than ever, longed to be a little child again. But why give way to cowardly fears, and vain regrets ? He knew He'd come there of his own free-will, and now must see it through. He pulled himself together, and deter- mined that he'd try To show that he, at least, had learned how brave men ought to die. '; i 15 The ordeal is over, throw back the portals wide. The candidate is free to choose the goat he'd like to ride. He has borne his trial bravely, and, believe me if you can. He's a wiser and a better, and by no means sadder man. J < :..:. z^«L-J.vn:.>JilfkJtf^';»I VERSES. 121 T\\e Leger\cl of Lovesick Lake. fears, h I've heard many a different version, and I don't know which is true Of the following touching legend, but my own is somewhat new. About two hundred years ago, it matters not much when, These lovely lakes and islands belonged to the red men. These warriors bold in wigwams dwelt, and chased the deer and bear While, in their leisure hours, they stole their next door neighbour's hair. Among them lived a lovely maid, bright copper red was she. She went by the romantic name of Wackaohmemee. She had no lack of lovers, but she only deigned to stoop To listen to the honeyed words of young Chief Cockawl;oop. This chieftain was a handsome man, brave, gentle and well bred. His cheeks were stained with yellow, and his nose was painted red. |: til If m J I ! 122 VERSES. These colours seldom varied, save, when on the war track, His cheeks were with vermilion dyed, his nose was painted black. Now, these young lovers' parents approved of their good sense. And an early redskin wedding was fixed, in consequence. But fair Wackaohmemee took it into her young head She'd like a dozen Mohawk scalps to deck their bridal bed. So Cockawhoop to prove himself no coward, nor chicken-hearted Said " good-bye Wackaohmemee, and on the war path started. To please his fair young bride elect, he worked with heart and soul, And set up in a Mohawk town, a brand new barber's pole. His shop was thronged with customers, for his notice said, you see. He'd shampoo them for nothing, and do their shaving free. But he grew low and homesick, of his sweetheart thus bereft. So he killed a dozen customers, and took their scalps, and left. When he returned in triumph, he found his promised bride. Had wet her pretty little feet, and taken cold, and died. ■^ 4m .4' T t VERSES. -f- 123 •Twas not in redskin nature to bear this awful shock, So he slowly starved himself to death, on a boulder called •♦ Scow Rock," Alone, on a lonely island, he died for his dead love's sake. And the place it stands in, now is known by the name of Lovesick Lake. t