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Les cartes, planches, tableaux, etc., peuvent dtre filmAs A des taux de rMuction diffdrents. Lorsque le document est trop grand pour dtre reprodu*t en un seul clichA, ii est film* A partir de I'angla supirieur gauche, de gauche * droite, et de haut an baa, en prenant le nombre d'imagea nAcassaira. Les diagrammes suivants illustrant la mithoda. 1 2 3 4 5 6 ^^ilLim Book. i ! :..f 1 L i 1 Xf !> H "i^. ^y Little Book, BY SALATHIEL DOLES, Author of Etc., Etc, TO WHICH IS ADDED Pewbtingle's Log. TORONTO : ADAM, STEVENSON & CO, 1873. Toronto : PRINTED BY BELL & COMPANY. CITY STEAM PJtSSS. li 16 CONTENTS. Preface - Introduction Proem Wind-up -■»-... Phrenology - Men Who Have Risen— Joseph Dunne Peter Jackson Johnson Cornelius Bink --..., 'Joe Throttleby • - - . . An Article— No. i . . . . Scientific— Burpy . . ' . Kangaroo Point - . . . _ PoYS AND Other Children . . . . RTICLE No. 2 - xtract from Private Diary - . . . Inventing New Dogs Men Who Have Risen— Abbiamo - - . Old Schweinhund; or, Why I Learnt German MGM 7 9 17 26 29 31 33 35 38 46 48 49 51 54 56 62 64 67 V*. CONTENTS. \ Men Who Have Risen— John Perkins- . - - . . - 7^ JEMIMER Ann -^ Interview with Pat g^ Rise and Progress of Mathematics - . 88 , Men Who Have Risen— LuDwiG Von Schaffhausen - . . .92 The Biter Bitten .... ^- 95 Mr. Jagg ,^ Pat and the Crocodile ----- 109 Reason why the Earth is Round - . .1,7 Men Who Have Risen— Thomas Rudd j^ Arabella - 124 An Article—No. 3 j^g Men Who Have Risen - Archibald Cameron .... . j^o Walter John Dobson - . . . ,3, Adventure on a Steamboat - . . , , Men V/ho Have Risen— Poor Paddy McFudh, Esq. - - - 142 Miss Bingo j .g Rise and Progress of Optics - - - 15s Johnson All Over - . . . . - izq Concluding Article ,70 Pewbungle's Lo^, J 7^ PREFACE n5; T DON'T think I'm the funniest man of this century. I think Artemus Ward was funnier — in fact, he told me so himself There are some good things in Shakespeare. [It has been remarked by some great and good Mian, that we can't all be Shakespeares. This is true, for I tried it several times when I was a ^oung man. But we can all write books, and call them ^unny Books, if we like. I don't say this book is funnier than any other; merely put it forth, so that if any of my readers lave thought of some funny things, they can feend them to me, and I will work them up in my second edition. I wish, for your sake, that this was the second edition. INTRODUCTION. FEEL that I can't be funny till I have in- troduced myself. I once knew an Irishman. As he was an ihabitant of the same solar system as myself nd was moreover fencing in a paddock for me' felt mterested in him, and used frequently to onverse with him. I once discovered, by the merest accident, that e was fond of mathematics, and from that time used to lighten his labour by sitting on a log ear him. and propounding questions to him. The low of enthusiasm that would steal o'er his ugged features, and the native shrewdness of his replies, combined with the brutality of his lan- '•uage, used amply to repay me. One day I said "Pat!" "What.?" said he. " Suppose " said I. ''Hould an a minit," said he. "All right," said I, grasping the log on which I |at. ^^ow then," said he, " I'm ready. I couldn't <( lO INTRODUCTION. i I be drivin in a rail, and supposin at the same time." "Well," said I, "suppose I took three quarter: of a yard of cloth, and shrunk it down to a quar ter of a yard." [N.B.— I saw by the compression of his h'p that he was supposing this all the time he wa cutting his tobacco.] " Well," said he, striking a match, "and is that] , " Now," said I, " it is evident that half a yard was shrunk away." He merely nodded, but a gleam of intelligenc shot from under his shaggy brows. " In the next place," said I, " suppose I tooI< the quarter yard, and shrunk it as much as I di the three quarters." " You cuddn't," said he, slapping his thicrh. "Why.?" I asked. " Becase you cuddn't, ;ie replied. " True," said I. " Now why couldn't I .?" »— / ^ "Becase," he replied, "you wouldn't havePatural enough cloth. After you'd shrunk the quartei l^^n w half as much as you did the three quarters, you'd have no more cloth left— an sure you cuddn't gc on shrinking it after that !" From this simple story we may learn a grea^eni^Js deal. Your man of genius is the three quarteij^e highc yard he p is th man You and you A book, lace :once My ould y m he til She right ow r •efore rounc here eally ( migra ith hi *Th INTRODUCTION. ^j yard ; let hfm be modest, and shrink as much as he pleases, he can afford it. Your common 1" Z the quarter yard; if he is as modest as he in-an of gemus, there is really nothing left of h m You W.11 now understand why 1 rather cultivlte and chensh my little vanities and conceits and you W.11 be prepared kindly to receive thi little book, from every page of which either self- om" ^p acency V,, ,, ^.^^ ^^ ^^^^.^^ roars I ."" ■fconce.ted as a matter of business * My father was an American, and I myself viofr' """" "" --^g'°n-ous career,"^ ad ly mother happened to have been in America at the time of my birtn. -America at Jit \T^^ ''"' * P"^^ Irishwoman, with the >nghtest brown eyes, and the softest black hH W mari< how the distant event dodges about efore ,t happens, up and down all sorts of under rround passages, as it were, so that you can" teU vhe.e ,t will really eventuate. My mothe -i ,1 eally ever thought about the matter at all-lu t natural y have imagined that I would be an Irish nan when I was born. But no ! Her fS " ST T u''' ''°*' ^"'l "^y -oth r goe -th h,m, she bemg at that time about eighfeen [he highc St genius.- -Do, Eg '^^""^ constant attribute of 12 INTRODUCTION. years old. In New York she fell in love with my « Mv father, Rufus K. Doles, then agent for Garkles'sajd nc Pure Balsam of Yucatan. At that time even theJn he most careless observer would have said I'd turn«o W( out an American ; but for ten long years I didn'tjid t turn out anything — wasn't born in fact. Will h; During this dreary period my father gave up J He being agent for anything, and became an inventor Ee re He it was that invented Barnum's Woolly Horse, ^ver and it was my own father that induced the two^anet, well-known ghosts, George and Amelia, to hauntSyisil a small caravan for him, so that a person couldA ast travel about the country with them, and exhibil Jeat c t^^^"^- and the Towards the close of this same period he be tent wi came an astronomer, and got his living by dis^The covering comets. What he would have turned t( after exhausting this lucrative field, I cannot sayj for his next of kin died, and left him a larg estate in the north of England. Thither we a went, and two years afterwards I was born — a Englishman. I may here mention that, by somi strange fatality, another little boy was born wit me ; but I was always considered the real so and heir, for the other little chap was sickly, an died before he was six months old. I was th spared the mortification of being pointed at twins. Jstlini ectio t the Ipth o utive le to kV his some mper My fa Tried ool M I I INTRODUCTION. ,, love With myl My father, during his residence in Cumberland for Garkles slid nothing but discover comets-and for nothS' ^d rd"t rnir^T'"^!!^ ''"''''''^' '^^' hewas r ed.' ;::t I did: IrtSiof": r: ^'^^^-^ 'r-^ -^^ ^°--' 111 htte'n to the enT"^"""' '^"^-'^>'-^"' ^ ather gave upj He had some yea>-s before his death predicted^ le an inventor, fte refnrn r^f -. rr^ i , , ^^^^^^ preaictea^ X *Lr fat -'"»• '• ,-"""• ~" »X person couldlTJ. "'^- Understand, that being !^r.:^g^:::^::,::yf'' ' '<^ -- p-tend to anp Sh fV ."^ preciseness .n the terms I employ. period he befnt > '° ^"^ ^ " '"''^ ^^^"' ^ '""^^ be con- period ne t)e«nt with approximations living by '^'^ij^f ^^^^PP-ched. The front garden was stl ng w,th telescopes pointing in eveo^ known e t,o 3 that the comet would be nailed with- ipth of ' P ,"'u °^ ''"^P"- This was in the i>th of an Enghsh winter, and for eleven con- ^ufve nights he kept running from one teles- )e to another, every now and then fancying he the real sogl lol~""''~'' T '™' '^'^ ^""^^^ be decefved the real soby some passmg aphelion; at another time some as sickly, antnimpery parallax would cross the focus . I was thuiMy father ciip^- n,^ ,. . pointed at Irrild ' *^ ^"'^'^ ^^^^ sold ; my mother penned at »rr.ed agam ; and I bolted from the boarding- ■lool with a fliif^ fi,.-^^ „„j . ^ lave turned t( I cannot say him a larg' "hither we a was born — a that, by som kvas born wit with a flute, three and sixnenrp onr^ -> t4 INTRODUCTION. elbo yseli side [had this n, - lines Chinese vocabulary that I had painfully gleane and carefully copied from a book of travels. On arriving in Liverpool, I requested a sma crowd of very dirty men to show me a vessel boun for China, and on one being pointed out to me, stepped on board and secreted myself. My ii. tention was to penetrate into the interior of Chinr and work my way home through Thibet, Tui kestan, etc.; whilst I hoped that by committing m Utter, vocabulary to memory I might pass for a youn^endii Chinese gentleman, and by stopping occasional! to play the " Last rose of summer," the simp] villagers would give me handfuls of pulse, plan tains, or whatever was going. Well, the vessel got to China— but I should tc^riod 1 you that it called at Melbourne, in Victoria, fir.hfweve: I had by no means given up my idea of beconiMOne < ing a distinguished Asiatic traveller, and was preBen I pared to endure every possible hardship in m travels through Thibet; but I couldn't stan another two months with the second mate. I a afraid I hated him— I know he hated me, an used to show it by sending me nearly every nigh if it was at all dark and squally, to reeve halyard and things through the very end of the skysa yard. So I at once offered myself as princip tragedian to a small company then playing saic ' I sa I" Wh^ '/an [en po Doei ' It dc [From now nd w rds, tl: nfully gleane f travels, [uested a smal a vessel bourn id out to me, yselfl My ir| terior of Chine Thibet, Tur rommittingm ;s for a youn [g occasional! r," the simpi of pulse, plan INTRODUCTION. 15 ^elbourne ; but being refused a trial, and findm^ yself nearly starving, I accepted a situation a! fs de Chmaman in a large hotel ; in other words had to wash up dishes, bring water, etc. ItTas .th.penod that I composed my ^^ Hymn ^^ n, -but not bemg able to agree with the be? I it' r1 '^^^"^ ^^^^"- considerably tter, I left at the end of a fcrln,ght. After |endn.g a year in Melbourne in many and varS hployments, I left for Sydney. Here I was at ice recogmzed by a gentleman in a barbeS poetry of me for his newspaper It xv^< ^f fu- ,t I should tcpiriod that I wrote my "Od/to So tude "ILt V.ctona, fii-.^-ever, didn't bring me a solitary shilling ' Jea of beco^iOne day I was walking down George'street, ' I say, be a photographer ' " ["Why.?" said I. ■ Vam," he replied, "and I'll make you one for en pound note." ^ ^r Does it pay.?" I asked. "It does," was his answer. ^rom that moment I was a photographer- I now a confirmed photographer. M? un'kno^a ds, that he had spoken to me th " ', and was pn irdship in m ouldn't staiii i mate. I a lated me, am ly every nighj 'eeve halyan Df the skysaj as principi m playing wro' tjr iii ni»; I6 INTRODUCTION. Street, because he thought I looked as if I wanted to learn photography. On my nineteenth birthday, I started for More- ton Bay, and settled at The Swamp, as it was thei. called. I am still in Queensland, though not set-uedl in Toowoomba, as it is now called. In my little^ photographic waggon I have travelled all over the colony, from Brisbane to the Barcoo. Photography paid. I am now finally settled among a lot of Germans, five miles and a half from Brisbane My photography is varied by farming, my farm- iiig by literature, and my literature by a wife and three children. And the pith of all this is tc show that I have eventually become a bigotec Australian. My mother had marked me out a: an Irishman ; my father had pictured me as ; little Yankee pasting labels on bottles of Pun Balsam ; England would have enrolled me amon^^ her merchant princes; but I shall always be, known as "The Australian Photographer." P.S. — I like it first-rate. ai 1 as if I wantedl irted for More- ), as it was thei 'Ugh not selilei I. In my littl led all over the . Photography imong a lot oi Tom Brisbane ling, my farm- by a wife and all this is t( )me a bigotec ced me out a; :ured me as ottles of Pun lied meamonj all always ht apherJ' PROEM. AVING now introduced myself in as ample and comprehensive a manner as is neces ^y, though a thousand curious links were ft ikl I am r r fu"' *° ^°' ^°^" =°'^e little Zill. '^'f'\^y f^-iing that nobody ca^ nnor Ln^ very sensitive man, who for some fZTu-T"" " °^^'S'^ to have his nose _mted bnght green, and whose business at the CdertLruXst ;%^^T '"-^^" •ella If .J)'''^^^^'^^' ^" ^oot, without an um- stitL'e'r^nirhth^'"-"'™''^^"^^-''^ could st^n al7tL I '""'°'' '°"'' *at lain whv L ^"■'°"' ^' ""''''' ^"d ex- W a?tf '"""^ '''°^^' °'- ^ ^''°"W say, is ismg at this momenf r^l^i■ ^r ^ ice had with Pat "^ conversation I .enms , m appearance a clod. At times so. i8 PROEM. me ildi •anc m' wo tfu Iasm] *t I wa obtuse that you couldn't get him to see the difference between gingerbread and geology ; but at other times so sharp that you never could tell whether he saw the difference or not. One great source of fun in my conversations with him was that he always took my premises for granted. Well, one day I said, " Of course you know, Pat, that everything has its opposite ; that the opposite of black is white, the opposite of a man is a woman." This bemg admitted, I left him considering what was the opposite of four and ninepence. I often used to begin talking to him without may ; any set purpose, or on any particular subject, 4 six knowing well that we would be sure to strike oil fatter sooner or later; but we had had so many andlixed laughable discussions as to the exact opposite oimed U four and ninepence, that for a long time I used toTOrfuf begin our conversations by getting him to sup- way oui pose something, and then I would give the oil Solii problem of finding the exact opposite, which .On tl frequently turned out to be something very funnyAting Last seventeenth of March was St. Patrick'sfcdes day as usual, and the evening before, on the Wed-Bempt nesday, that is, Pat had declared that he wasK^ mor bound to go into Brisbane on the Thursday, andWtly fn have a bit of a spree in honour of St. Patrickft then He promised faithfully that he would be back thatft top- n to sec the I geology ; but I ver could tell t. conversations my premises 1, " Of course its opposite ; the opposite J admitted, I posite of four TROEM. 19 tme mght so I let the old man go. My wife and nldren all retired to rest-servant I had none -and I sat down to enjoy my own quiet hour my own little study. Somehow I thought would write another comedy ; but I couldn't ;t further than — [asmiggs the Weaver, and What He Did ^ With It. dramatis person/e. him without :ular subject, \ to strike oil 50 many and t opposite of me I used to I was accustomed to work out my comedies that 'y ; I used just to invent a title, stick down five S.X characters, and then go ahead; and, no tter how I began, they were always sure to Mt «ed ,nto a plot of some kind. Tragedies I led to wnte backwards, beginning with some , rlur accumulation of horrors, and feeline mv h.m to sup-w,y out to what might have caused ther^ oZ Id g.ve the^ Sohtude I used to begin anywhere. .os,te, wh.chiOnth,s particular evening I couldn't get beyond ^ >ng Dramatis persons ;" and whom to put in bides Casmiggs, I couldn't tell. In despair I empted "An Ode," not committing myself' to 'more precise title, so as to leave myself per- tly free. But the ode wouldn't gee thM took a fresh piece of paper, and wrote at ^ very funny, St. Patrick's' on the Wed :hat he wa lursday, and! St. Patrick' be back thati 20 PROEM. Lines on Seeing a Here I paused. Other poets had written h'ne on seeing almost every mortal thing you can menj tion, so that to make sure of being original, I hac to run the risk of being silly, which I did bJ finally settling to write ''Lines on Seeing a God Jmnp Off a Shoemaker's Verandahs While writing the above title, I heard the gatJ go ; heard Pat ride slowly round to the back door heard a lieavy body fall to the ground, and i (Voice — "Is it in bed ycu arr, masther ? " I hurried out ; Pat lay on his back and held tli bridle of his horse. " Halloh, Pat ! Drunk and disorderly, eh ?" " No, sorr," said Pat, very cheerfully. " What's the matter, then .?" " Wake, sorr." " So weak you can't stand }" " No sorr. Why sure a man ud be a dash foe if he was that wake he cuddn't stand. Wouldn'f yez take the saddle an bridle afif o' the old mare af you plaze.^" " Certainly," said I ; and when this was dom I sat down on a block, and discoursed. " So, Pat, you won't get up .?/' " No, sorr." " Are you going to lie there all night T* PROEM. 21 lad written line ][ ^\ ^ ^'"^^ ^ ^"^^v how long it'll be." g you can men. .^^' ^^^^ "^^ ^^^at's the matter; not bijab- ginal, I ha,^'"'! ""^ ^^^ ichneumon, I hope." ' n ^^ \' "^^' */^^"'" he replied ; " I am thankful say I niver had a touch of it in my life." r Then, what ts the matter .? " r Wake, sorr." ['Just so," said I. "So weak you can't sf ,d." ' Well, may the ." ^ << PROEM. PART SECOND. T^HE old man was sulky. I knew what ha*.,^ X always proved a source of delight to thepaillp ' of us. ^MiJ^n "Pat," said I, "What's the opposite of a maJ so weak that he can't stand } " * He wouldn't answer. " Look here," said I, " it's a man so strong thai he couldn't lie down ! " "Well," said he, after a pause, "I've beel purty strong myself at times ; but I was nive taken so bad wid it that I cuddn't lie down on ptnchy The tone of his voice was friendly again, ar^ I could not remember having ever seen him si bri^jht But he couldn't, or wouldn't stand. Thi was ;' ^^vstery, rnd my curiosity was roused. Ir. t^u .aeaiitime I could do nothing better than leL roi the conversation glide along pleasantly and natfijiy af urally. He would be sure to give specimens c - Vol his own peculiar humor. ,^ , T 4.U t , ^*t and I then proceeded as follows, without the leasbiar ? " idea of what I was going to say, but taking cp --' Not ■ PROEM. 23 :new what hat' ight to the pai osite of a mar I so strong- tha e, "I've becij it I was nive h'e down on n lly again, ar' r seen him s| t stand. Thij LS roused. li )etter than lei mtly and nat| specimens lout the leas t taking carl ^^•t my manner should make Patexpect a problem Never mind '^-suppose a man so .trong that J couldn't lie down.'^ ** nVell," said he, " suppose I've done it. But have you really done it } " "Troth, I've supposed it widin^wi. ^n^^^\6\vi K «v It (Snapping his fin^.r an 1 th-mb r\ ru'/'''^' ^" ^^'^^ ^'^ ^" '^^^^ -n.ow' ^arly he had suppc sed it.) I" Good. Now take your man so weak ,t he Juldn t stand, and "- "I wouldn't take hi. a as a gift," said he. Metaphorically," said I. h Well," said he, "pe.haps if it came to tha, I I" If he was too weak to work," said I, "yo., hW" t expect anything from him." I Not a haporth," said i at. r All he could do would be to use the work of hers who could work." t Itl '"'"7"''' '''^ '■' '' '■°°''" ^^-'d Pat. r It doesn't follow," said 'Folly be hanged ! " said Pat. " It ud have to 5y af ,t was me he had to dale wid." You wouldn't humor hi„, and let him fust and dnnk what his poor v, eak stomach would Not a dash humor," he replied. I i 24 PROEM. ^ " Not metaphorically ? " ' " Well, I might, and I mightn't." " Of course you would ; you're not bad-hearted You'd let him take a header into lukewarm arrow root every morning if he liked; I know yoi would." " Oh, into two ov them, af he liked," said Pat " Of course," said I. " Now take your man S( strong that he can't lie down ;— what would yo do with him > " * "I'd let the fool stand till he cuddn't stand i anny longer," said Pat. "Yes," said I, " but he would hardly be satis fied with expending his strength on standing only." '■ " Well, let him go fincin," said Pat, "arr build ing houses, arr some dash thing like that." " But suppose he could not build a decent reg ular house that people would live in— how then } " I'd let him take his tools into the bush, an fist hould of his Amerrikin axe, and knock do^^ about four square miles ov trees— box, arr pirn arr ironbark, arr blood wood, just as they come and then I'd let him go and build a humpy * fc himself in his own way." " Good !" said I. "An then," said P at, "he cud have as man Humpy," a log-hut or shanty. roor in it it into ■ tired di " said I. "Why, cuddn't he build his house solid all #rough } " " Good ! " said I. " And he cud have all the dash windies lukkinr Wto the house, instid ov out of it. An af he was ■ed of seein the smoke go up the chimly, he cud a hole for it to go down into the ground. And he cud have the top story at the bottom of the house, and the bottom story up top ; arr he jeedn't have air a story in it at all. As long as shoots himself, what's the odds to the rest ov e passengers ? " have as manl aiiLy. I'll l< ! t'lll GENERAL WIND-UP OF INTRODUCTIOn| The Patrician mystery exphiiued-Praetical atpli. cattoH of Pat's vi»vs on building-The Gree,u Nose. * ^HEN Pat was under the influence of a day's VV dnnkmg, all his stupidity settled in hi, legs, and left his intellect clefr and powerful Twas merely his base pediments that felt h rum ;^ you could not say that he hi.self wS Oh, my prophetic Pat! Moleskins by any other name would smell as sweet ! And Lthe author of numerous Etc's-compiler of odes from parenttt'-fT ^t'^^^" °^ '''-- «-' "- - parent, but unfathomable man ' drivJsTtTel-o/ f^V"'' "^^'■'■^ *''-' - *- dnvest the jocund rail, and hear thy coarse re- "sSTr S'^ '"'''"'' -^ °^ *•>- r un ■ gested gram for my own aliment can tTe Zri^'^r '^ ^° ?*^°"^ '^^' '' «wn , but at the same time, I haven't ODUCTIONj WIIID-UP OF INTRODUCTION. 2/ succeeded in writing a single tragedy, which the world would not most cheerfully let die ; and I am now able to admit that even my best come- dies fall somewhat short of what has been done in that line by Moliere, Kotzebue, and Sheridan ; while Gray's elegy has been pronounced by inv partial connoisseurs to be more polished than my Hymn to Pan. ^ The fact is I have all my life been writing for others, as others have written, and with no%uc- cess ; I am now going to write for myself alone,, as I like, and what I like— top story at the bot- tom, or no story at all. I'll chop down any tree that comes first-I'll do what I like with my own book ; you can't stop me. And what I meant by the Green Nose is simply this and no more— "I'll do what I like in my own book." In the preface you are led to believe that it will be a funny book :— well, when I said that, I thought I would write a funny book; but i{ ever I feel stupid, and would like to give vent to it in writing, I'll do it. So when the book is printed, (for I want to read my own book in print,) don't say, " How unequal he is— now lively and grace- ful, and now as idiotic as a Cretin pointing out the beauties of his new goitre." P. S.— I once knew a man who said that you could joke about any thing on earth. I said you 11 HI ! Ill i: '^S WIND-UP OF INTRODUCTION. couldn't. Well, he said he once knew a man who convulsed the Cvompany by unexpectedly produc- ing a dead baby from his great-coat pocket. Yes I said, but that was immoral. He said it wasn't! Moral.— Dou'^ be immoral in your jokes Many people have been both prof ane and immoral in their jokes, and in the books they have written for ^titers. That they were profane and beastly solely to please others is their only excuse. When a man writes only for himself he / no excuse for things of this kmd. Too ma7iy ur funny men would unexpectedly produce a de, i baby from their great- coat pocket, if they could convulse the compafiy. iiniif I PHRENOLOGY. I DON'T know what to tliink about phrenology. This remark applies to everything else. I once had a clerk in my store ; and he once [went with me to a lecture on phrenology. " Foak- ler," said I, "go and get your skull groped." So he went. The following is what the lecturer re- marked. " Combativeness, large. Love of approbation, [hot dinners, etc., middling. Swindling, large. Murder, large. Drunk and disorderly, large." Foaker locked very unhappy, and the lecturer proceeded. " This is the head of a man who is naturally inclined to be vicious; but he isn't— because— and this is what shows phrenology to be true his conscientiousness is larger than any other bump he las : I may say ' Conscientiousness bustive ! ' Such a man may be trusted with anything." About a month after that, Foaker robbed me of ten pounds, and falsified the books ; so that I [couldn't prove it. " Foaker," said I, when I found him out, "if the 30 PHRENOLOGV. soence of phrenology is not very unreliable, you must have brought your hypocrisy to such a p^ch never beheve that the bump of conscienti;usness you protruded before that lecturer was a naturl one ; it was a swindle ! " . "No, sir ! " replied Foaker with an air of in- jured innocence, " No sir. The man told you my conscientiousness was bustive-well. last Tuesday buXt'' """" '°^ ^^"^ °^ '■'^ °'he^ His impudence set my Irish blood boiling •_! seized the office ruler, and went in for sol; of h.s other bumps too, making such alterations and additions as seemed necessary at the moment. I let him off the «//;^r five pounds. I III : nreliable, you osuch a pitch ' bumps. I'll scientiousness vas a natural an air of in- told you my last Tuesday of" the other I boiling; — I for some of terations and moment. MEN WHO HAVE RISExN (BY ONE OF THEMSELVES). FIRST SERIES. T N the following paper I intend to show what 1 may be accomplished by men who never had lanything to do it with ; by men that from their jearliest infancy used to construct watches out of [raw turnips, and who always used to give intelli- Igent replies to benevolent strangers, that found |them playing on the barren moors, half-naked, or :lad in ' The short and simple flannels of the poor.' Joseph Dunne was the father of several brick- Jlayers, and he himself, but for a malignant fever that seized him when he was a year old, would 'lave become a wheelwright. The fever left him blind, and deaf, and dumb,, though able to run about and yell. As soon as he was three years old, his poor jmother let him out to a farmer at a penny a week, [in the capacity of scarecrow. A post was driven into the middle of the field,, land Joseph was tied to it with a yard or two of s2 JOSEPH DUNNE. slack rope. It is supposed that this simple cir- cumstance must have given the first bias to his niiind, and was the germ of his subsequent dis- coveries. He soon showed great fondness for tools, and has been seen to ponder for months over a rusty na.I. ^ When he was about ten years of age he began collecting old bonnets, which he used to bear off to his little garret, maKing a chuckling noise. He used to unpick these bonnets, and get out the wire, which he used then to stretch across the room on little posts. That untaught lad, by the aid of a common kitchen knife, made a positive and a negative pole He has lived to see his efforts crowned with suc- cess—the telegraph is everywhere! His motto was ''Wire in!" And he did it. I s simple cir- 5t bias to his ^sequent dis- 3r tools, and over a rusty ge he began J to bear off ig noise. He get out the across the f a common egative pole. d with suc- His motto MEN WHO HAVE RISEN (BY ONE OF THEMSELVES). SECOND SERIES. >ETER Jackson Johnson at a very early period of his life became a foundling, and ^hen his wife died, he married again From these small beginnings, he managed to lave as much money as enabled him to buy a hare in a tin thing for baking potatoes in the Itreets; but two of the legs coming off, and his lartner absconding to America with all their Ivailable potatoes, he declared himself insolvent Ind went through the court. ^ Things were then at their lowest ebb with him io use his own homely language,— ''I knowed that honesty was 'the best policy, Id though it was revolting to me at first, I kept 1 being honest-being honest-till I rose to be le distinguished naturalist you now see me " He it was who first demonstrated that the iliaiy planules of, the cimex were the analogues p our common marsipobranchii. The present writer remembers seeing Johnson, I .j» "'m. 34 PETER JACKSON JOHNSON. I then a very young man, rushing out into the street with some analogues in a saucer, and shouting Eureka ! So enthusiastic was he ! He it was who proved beyond a doubt that in the paddymelon, the os quadratum, which in all other gallinaceous molluscs is merely stuck on with a little putty, anchyloses into the convul- sions of the pelvis, and thus accounts for the un- usual protuberance of the eucalyptus. He it was that originated the Society for the Tropagation of Extinct Animals. 'He has invented new birds in various parts of the world, a spotted graptolite, and several new ivalri. The walrus is, in fact, his specialty. DN. ' out into the . saucer, and was he ! doubt that in , which in all rely stuck on 3 the convul- ts for the un- JS. Dcicty for the rious parts of i several new 2cialty. MEN WHO HAVE RISEN. THIRD SERIES. PORNELIUS liinK-, was the son of a poor V- but honest astronomer, and he himself was actual y apprenticed to learn the same handicraft ■ but falhng one day down the focus of a large two- ho,se refracttng telescope, he fractured both his thitfhs, and burst several of his functions I'or the rest of his life he did nothing but lie iHs backhand digest arrowroot in a small can- s bag, which a young but ingenious doctor ted up for htm. The experiment succeeded be- nd the most sanguine expectations, and as he T\ .'''? ^"^'' ''^SS, with the latest improve! monts, took the place of the rude sack, wh.ch 'Whangs on a nail in his room, and which he npo.ntso,.t to visitors as his first stomach. Th,s tnvtal crcumstance it was that first turned V K , '"^'"""°"' ^"d for many years he lay >veries to his amanuensis Si^"\'*,r°'"" ^^'^"^^ ^^^ achieved ■It ^eat : "°"""^ impossible, and his St great success was the well-known Artificial 36 CORNELIUS BINK. i ! • Liver and Bacon, which supplies a want long fell by the poorer classes, being wholesome, (or nearly so,) palateable, nutritious, and cheap. His Paper Teeth for indigent paupers became, deservedly popular. These he used to cut out of! common white paper— as an amusement. They were very large, and pointed with the most math- ematically regular serrations. The retail price was three pence per dozen sets. The toothless] ditcher of eighty and the collapsed charwoman used to look forward with delight to the days on which they might don their holiday teeth ; and as they were only meant to gape with, they answered all their wants. It is true that the more open-mouthed pauper] would occasionally have his teeth blown out by a[ sudden gust of wind, and that on rainy days theyl soon drooped and sloughed away; but surely it is som.ething that for one farthing, a man in that ■ station of life can purchase two hours' enjoyment | of a perfectly innocent nature. He next patented a simple little contrivance^ for producing natural dimples on any part Of the; body, and a machine for unbowlegging tailors. ^ Fearing that he was taxing his brain too much.; his doctors advised him to take up some light and] pleasant study. He accordingly learnt chess, and in six weeks! I want long fell omc, (or nearly cap. xiiipcrs bccani. ;d to cut out ot semen t. Thc) the most math- be retail price The toothless ed charwoman to the days on V teeth ; and a< they answercc' outhed pauper )lown out bv a ainy days they ; but surely it a man in that urs' enjoyment ;le contrivance ny part Of thc ^ing tailors, rain too much,! some light andi CORNELIUS BINK. 3^ rouglit himself to the highest pitch of perfec- fon. He played six simultaneous games with JHorphy. not only without seeing the board but Without hearing any of his antagonist's moves re- ported to him. It is true that he lost all six games ; but how few could have done even that, under such cir fumstances, and with such an opponent ' Bink was a modest-and as far as his bed- Clothes permitted-a retiring man. He was in- ^ced a true genius; and the inhabitants of the village where he was born, have erected a statue f> his memory. It represents a man holding a diess-board in one hand, and a small stomach in ■^e other. I in six weeks! liilf"' JOE THROTTLEBY ; OR, LET US BE MORAL. Mi hlH lljlill I WAS once caniped outside a township on the Condamine, when the business of a pubHc house was to be disposed of. Photography had not been paying very well for the last three mdnths, and it occurred to me that a man of an active turn of mind, like myself, might make a little fortune in a short time by investing a hundred or two in " The Golden Fleece." The idea took complete possession of me ; but conscience stepped in, and asked how I, a hater of drunkenness, could become a publican. After revolving this question for a whole day, it suddenly struck me that I might be the means of doing a great deal of good by reforming the drunkards who would be sure to frequent my place ; and by the time I had thought about this for half an hour, I was able to persuade myself that the reformation of the drunkard was my main object. To further the good work I employed a clergy- man (not then practising) who had no objections to hang about my bar parlour, and take his nip I ;t us be /nship on the s of a public ;ography had e last three a man of an light make a ng a hundred 'he idea took ence stepped enness, could this question ^ me that I deal of good Id be sure to had thought : to persuade runkard was "ed a clergy- 10 objections take his nip JOE THROTTLEBY. ^g, with others, so that he could now and then slip in his warnings to the drunkard, without appearing to obtrude himself. He did his work faithfully. I have seen that zealous reformer lying on the floor in all the agonies of intoxication, and saying to the unhappy man lying beside him,— " My friend, this is too bad ! Let us be moral !" At last, two of the worst drunkards appeared to have profited by my poor clergyman's exhorta- tions, for they came no longer to our sink of iniquity ; but, alas ! we found out one day that they were in the habit of spending their hard- earned wages at " The Shearer's Arms"-without :>enefit of clergy. They fell into the shearer's irms indeed. One day when I was washing tumblers at the >ar,^ a gentleman walked in. I knew him to be in mveterate tippler, with a little dirty wife, and ' lot of children. It was his first visit to me ; and resolved that as soon as he began to exceed the )ounds of moderation, I would tell him. " Glass of dark brandy," said he. "Glass of brandy, sir > Yes, sir," said I, hand- ing him the refreshing beverage. He swallowed it whole, and handed me six- )ence. At this stage of the proceedings I would have 40 JOE THROTTLEBY. given a hint to my clergyman to come and hang about the bar ; but he had had a very difficult case to deal with the night before, and was not yet up. " Fine weather," said I, dusting a gilt barrel. "Yes," said he, "another of the same." " Yes, sir," said I, handing him the seductive Huid. He shot it into his pharynx, and sat down on a bench. " My friend," said I, "will you permit one who —who— may I give you a little advice .?" He said I might. "Then," said I, "check yourself" in your down- ward career, and shun that which produces moral degradation." His reply, stripped of its technical terms, was to the effect, that not a single career would he stop, and that moral degradation suited him to a T. I then gave him another glass, fraught with a certain drug which, while it makes the grog much nastier, and thus tends to disgust the drunkard, materially increases the gain of the publican. ^" Take this glass," said I, rather sternly, but still kindly, for fear he should go over to the Shearer's Arms, where all they wanted was his money,—" take this glass, your third, and observe its terrible effects !" JOE THROTTLEBY. 41 t down on a nit one who He swallowed it slowly, and seemed touched, ^hich encouraged me to come out from behind the bar, and lay my hand upon his shoulder. "My friend," said I, "let us be moral !" To my great surprise, he declared positively that he wouldn't be moral, and hit me a violent )low on the chest. " Behold," said I, " the effects of drink ! 'Tis thus you debase yourself." Here he struck me between the eyes, and stated igain that he wouldn't be moral on any considera- tion. ^ And as I saw that he really wouldn't, I gave fiim another j^lass, and let him go. My poor clergyman, who had heard the row, jumped out of bed, and hastily recollecting some solemn admonitions, flew to assist me. " Too late," said I, "he has gone. If he comes to-morrow we must make one more effort to save llimi. Pingle smiled sadly, and said he must have some brandy and soda, as his last night's inter- view with Joe Throttleby had been very trying. Do you think you could get drunk again, to- light r I asked. ^ " I don't know," said he, " I can but try ; and if Throttleby comes to-night, I fear I must. I md I cannot be too cautious with him. If he 3 t 42 JOE THROTTLEBY. thought for one moment that I was a clergym he would never listen to me. And the langua I am obliged to make use of in order to keep the deception — is fearful." "Technical.?" I asked. " Too, too technical !" he replied. " Excuse me one moment," said I, and I r into my bar parlour where I shed a few hurri tears, and after removing with my shirt sleeves a; traces of emotion, I rejoined my hired martyr, fi such I might truly call him. " Moral Pingle !" said I. » " Highly moral Doles !" said he. That evening Throttleby came. He was indce a brutal man, and I shuddrred as I thought the danger my earnest and self-denying Pin^ would run, if he pushed his admonitions too far — and he had resolved that very evening to ma one great effort. Through a little window between the bottles watched all that passed in that parlour, and w ready to dart in to the rescue in case my frien needed help. {Enter throttleby and pingle.] Thrott.— (m/^/;/^)_What's yours > Ping. — Let us reflect for one moment. ThROTT. — Give it a name, and none of you shinannickin. ■'% Y. i ' JOE THROTTLEBY. was a clergyma .nd the langua^ order to keep ied. said I, and I ra led a few hurric r shirt sleeves hired martyr, fJ e. . He was in d eel s I thought ["-denying Pingj Dnitions too far! evening to mali sen the bottles! )arlour, and \va I case my frienj PINGLE.] 'ours ? loment. id none of yoil 45 [Enter Host.] PlNG.--(j?^/«;/^)_Pale brandy, Mr. Doles. Thrott.— Same as usual. Ping.— Hang you, lend us a plug of tobacco. ImKOT^. —{throwing him a lnmp)—l{crQ you (•e, my son. Vll^G.~(cutting tobacco)~lt must often have tcurred, even to the most unreflecting, that man a physical and a moral nature ; {enter HosT> Dhysical and moral nature. Why,— bl— st you, ^u're not listening. |Thrott.— Yes I am. You said you was going take some physic to-morrow. Well, I'm going take mine now {raises his glass). j Ping.— My friend— weigh what you are about take. JTHROTT.— Not having a pairof stillyerds about I'll just drink it without weighing {drinks). jPlNG.— (^^/;^/^^)_Nigkt after night have I be- jught you to be moderate. One glass is agree- >Ie ; but the second— I dread the second. Thrott.— (r/;^^/;/^)_You talk like a parson ! IPING,— (m/«^ to his feet)—! talk like a parson 1' bnfound you, what do you mean } [Efiter Host.] IThrott.— What's your's, old brusher } Ymo.-— {sitting down again)— VAq brandy ; but 44 ^ JOE THROTTLEIiY. M f why, Oh ! why should we thus seek to drown ot senses in the bowl ? Thrott.— Same as usual. {Exit Host, sighing attd shaking \is head) Ping. — Let us nerve ourselves. THROTT.—Nerve ahead, then. VmG.— {Rising and taking him affectionately I the hand)— ha us be moral ! Let us not drink ' when it comes ! Let us say we will not ! Thrott.— Oh ! won't we though ! [Enter HoST.] VmG.-~{shaking Throttleby)—Y oo\ ! fool ! Thrott.— (^i;/^r//^)__Meaning me > Ping.— Yes ; but I apologise. ^ This sort of thing went on for three more glass. Pingle, as was only natural, becoming more an more vehement with each glass in his efforts induce that wretched man Throttleby, to promi that he would be moderate for the future, no that he had plainly seen to what a dreadful sta excess had brought thern. At last Throttleby thought it time to sho Pingle that he had been listening. He rushed o him with a wild yell, chairs shot convulsively fro their spheres, and for a few seconds the carna was frightful. I rushed to the door. My Ping, myj good, kind Pingle, lay weltering on the floo es, gis ith oon OR^ lat( le 1 stii ine an • an d, t s w e e: iLet ■^%r ek to drown ot JOE THROTTLEBY. 45 ing \is head). \ ■ affectionately t us not drink ill not ! jh! ool ! fool ! me? ee more glass( )ming more anj in his efforts sby, to promis the future, noj 1 dreadful stat time to sho He rushed c^ nvulsively froii ds the carna^ T. My Pinglj ig on the flooj hveltering I mean that he was right on his 1). Throttleby stood over him with uplifted and ere I could have reached him, the blow Id have fallen ; at all risks I must prevent iblow : — )top !" I exclaimed — " Man ! he is a clergy- es," murmured Pingle, " and I was going to igise." 'ith a shriek of agony Throttleby fled from oom, and died in New Zealand. ORAL : When people write novels eminently lated to excite certain lively passions which, be bulk of mankind, need repressing rather stimulating, and when they adulterate this ine stuff with frequent allusions to The Beau- and The True, and when they believe that • are really doing a great deal of good in the d, then are all the good sentiments and lofty s which they slip in, likely to be as effectual e exhortation of Pingle— ^Let us be mora^ !" ' !il ii I i lii n i \ m i if AN ARTICLE. (no. I.) T DON'T know why I write this articlei J. probably, because I hke writing for its o{ sake. I am not writing about anything in p| ticular ; but I have resolved that there shall I ^ nulla dies sine lined. I don't know who said th I don't care who said it. I may be stupid in my own book when I Xx\ Sometimes I can't help being stupid. Lots people can't help it. There was once a man who had a little blac and-white goat. He was a shoemaker. This is an attempt at improvising an anecdo It didn't succeed. I couldn't think of any mo| Of course, this is merely an outline. But to proceed. Some persons may think it foolish of me write when I have nothing to say— but it's exercise of moral courage. Few authors could q It—not mtentionally, at least. Macaulay nevl /^^/^;/^^^ to do it. I like it-you feel so free I feel that in this article I am writing for pc terity. You Hnn't r\r^\^\f^c^ :♦. „ — . u .. • 'I :le. 'ite this article) ivriting for its o| anything in p| lat there shall ow who said thl AN ARTICLE. 49 undred years' time, a German will write an essay n It. and exhibit his own subtlety while he shows ou mine. ^ In the meantime, I, who wrote it, have to eke out a scanty subsistence by taking photographs A favourite maxim of mine is, "that the stupi- lity of some is better than the wit of others " I believe, from the bottom of my soul, that I •elong to the some. Moral. — Human nature. Dook when I li]| stupid. Lots id a little blac maker. 5ing an anecdoj ink of any moj ne. "oolish of me say — but it's authors could i Macaulay nevj feel so free, writing for pc i-;vv 1 4- uuu in SCIENTIFIC. ONE day I went to see Burpy. " Good day," said I, '• how's your cold ?" " Which cold ?" said he. " I have two." rtried to reason with him ; but .lot being able to find any good reason why a man could not have two colds at once, I let him reason with mc. His nose certainly had two distinct blows, and he used two pocket-handkerchiefs. For one cold he was taking brandy and gruel ; the other cold he was treating homeopathically. He wanted to see which cold would be cured first. I asked him how many colds a man could have at once. He said, " In rare cases— three ; but he had once known a man who allowed himself to have four colds at once, and he would have much benefited the cause of science, but he had once to sneeze for all four colds at the same moment." All his furniture was smashed ; some lungs were found under the sofa ; and he left no issue. 3ur cold ?" two." : being able n could not ion with mc, lows, and he one cold he her cold he anted to see could have •ee ; but he himself to have much t had once e moment." some lungs "t no issue. KANGAROO POINT. n^IS a common but trite adage "that it's a long ^ lane that has no turning." Generally speakmg, however, it's the short lane that has no turnmg. But the reader shall judge. On the third of May, 1869, between 8 a.m. and a.m., I crossed at the lower ferry from North Brisbane to Kangaroo Point. It was a drizzly lay. ^ Just as we were pushing off, a man stepped into the boat He seemed to be a working man. Over his shoulders, he held a common three-bushel ba^ 3emg a wet day, I concluded that he used the )ag to keep his shirt dry I remember noticing hat the bottom of the bag was discoloured. As we approached the opposite shore he re- loved the bag, and rolled it up in a peculiarly .areful manner. He was the first to set foot on pe terry steps, and was evidently in a hurr-. fCANGAROO POINT. 47 / have never set eyes on him from that day to this. BOYS AND OTHER CHILDREN. ATOTHING IS more disgusting in children -*- ^ than their thoughtless merriment. Even intelhgent children are not free from it. Being once much harasses' with my own pri- vate affairs, I strolled forth about sunset to enjoy a little pleasing melancholy. I suddenly found ' lyself on a flat where a lot of banana boys ' were playing cricket with the stave of a cask for a bat, and a ball of compressed rags. ^ As they were human beings, I sat down on a log to contemplate them. They yelled and laughed, and ran, and tumbled and scrambled and caled .ach other '^duffers," and "butter^ j nngers. "Poor race of men ! " cried the pitying spirit. At length the ball rolled under a log where I was sitting, and a pale, thin boy about seven years old rushed among my legs. Before he could get the ball, I collared him. Uvh^r^ty? ^'^'^ ^' ""'' ^"" ^"'' '" "^^ feelings of 52 BOYS AND OTHER CHILDREN. " Please, I want the ball," said he, clutching at it; while the boy with the bat was making a fearful series of very short and fraudulent runs, amid the frantic applause of his own side. "Back!" said I, tightening my grasp, "let us reason calmly about it. You're very jolly over your cricket, aren't you." He murmured that he was. "As I suspected," said I, "just so. And you I don't pause to think that ere another year has] fled you may be chained to your bed with a linger- ing and painful disease } " " Yes, sir, please sir ! " said he, while " Go it,| Tom — another ! " was yelled by his opponents. " Do you ever reflect," said I, solemnly laying] my hand upon his head, " that at the very mo- ment you are yelling here, your poor father's! heart may be wrung with the pangs of despised love— the law's delay— the insolence of office, etc." He admitted that he hadn't thought of this,] and shouted " Lost ball !" Their game being temporarily stopped, the whole troop came to take the log by storm and! recover the ball ; but while I held my youth with| one hand, and attracted his attention by preach- ing lay sermons to him, I had artfully fished up| the ball and conveyed it to my pocket. They ran in and out of my legs, and writhed BOYS AND OTHER CHILDREN. 53 under the log, and burrowed into the grass, throw- ing out so much earth with their hind legs that I saw I must soon move. n J ^T'", '"•'' •^' " ^ """"^ ^'"^ y°"- Cricket is not w.cked-.t ,s not wrong-but when you play on, and yell and shriek without reflecting that perhaps your thoughtless mirth may ill accord with the sadness of an older person who is within iieanng, and whom you must have seen frowning at you,-then cricket is very wrong-it is selfish- ness . You force me to go to yonder trees where 1 cannot hear you. Here is your ball." "If I have said anything, the recollection of which may some day make you better and hap- pier boys-if I have made two blades of grass to grow where none grew before— " Footprints that perhaps another, Sailing o'er hfe's solemn main." Seeing that the boys had resumed their game I concluded somewhat abruptly and meandered away to a more peaceful spot. AN ARTICLE. (NO. II.) IT must have occurred, even to the most unre- flecting, that — etc. This is a way I have of beginning a serious ar- ticle. If it doesn't occur to me w- at must have occurred, even to the most ur . xting, I give it up, and write something else — no matter what. I have noticed that I never write rubbish.! Whatever it is, it's not rubbish. Lots of people write rubbish. In many instances it pays. I do not write for payment. I have never yet received | a penny for my largest tragedy. How often is it the fate of genius to be unap-l predated ! I have had a very large amount of this fate, — not having yet produced a single epic) which the world would not most cheerfully let die.f I have made the same remark before, and inj the same words, It might be remarked by a celebrated living author that I never repeat myself] This is a lie. But I never repeat other people — at least not so as to be found out. I have doubted whether I am a genius or notj Whenever I get into such a fearful state of des- the most unre- AN ARTICLE. 55 ,ondency, I reflect that I am poor and unappre- ..ated eccentnc, .rritable in my temper, unhappy b m> domesfc relations, and only conceited as a matter of business. Then are my doubts dissipated, and I strike the stars with my sublime forehead. Yet there s something sad about it all; and the refrain to - |lie song of genius is always the same— " I never loved a de-ir gazelle. But when it died 'twas sure to smell." EXTRACT FROM PRIVATE DIARY. THE following extract from my private diarl is here presented because the author think! that it comes in handy, and is apropos to the fore] ' going article. June -lOth.— Very irritable all day. Thinll photography a degrading business. Old widow( said he wanted a benevolent expression and sorn^ massive jewellery inserted in his photo. Seeme| annoyed when I told him that I couldn't let hir have any benevolent expression, but that I woul make up for it by two large rings extra. Fell over cat, and kicked little Georgy laughing at me. Lectured Matilda (wife) for hour and a half on the impropriety of pettinj Georgy after I had chastised him. I then slarJ med the door violently, and retired to my studj where I wrote what I think one of the most touc| ing " household lyrics " I ever penned. Sentj copy of it at once to the Queenslander. Sowed cabbage, cauliflower, and parsnips, lunch mutton underdone; and, of course, I,i TE DIARY. ny private diarl he author think! opos to the fore| ill day. Thin s. Old widow •ession and som photo. Seeme couldn't let hi but that I wouli 5 extra. ttle Georgy fj da (wife) for Driety of pettii^ \. I then slari ed to my stud ' the most touc •enned. Sent xnder. id parsnips, of course, I, EXTRACT FROM PRIVATE DIARY. 5; Tl' ^\ '''''^ ^^'^ "^y ^^"^Per. Tilly rose to it the cold beef on the table for me ^ ^ Never mind," said I, affectionately, ''it's not the least importance " i'str^T/f ?"°T^' "^'^ '"' '^''"'''■"g with a L r^ , ^^' ^"^ '■^"■'■^'i to my study where dded another page to one of my " Lly Ser -. for, not having eaten since breakfastfl fe t" Rcently astetic to be able to bid the carnal d out for himself how bright and serene h Ind s atmosphere is when not clouded by the nes of meat and vegetables ' Ate ravenously at dinner, and was very kind iT.ily; but m an hours time a moody fit came fe"-t^:;°^Sinv5S"^^"^ — ^renched door off chiffonier because it wouldn't eared At'?^- ^' "^'^-P-' eight Tilly re- 'eared Asked her why she wo,M keep out of "iikf a'S T';r ' ^^^ '°-P'>^e°dld ^ici like a little cheerful talk. Let her ki^c n.^ ad a ttle cheerful talk til, ten oS^m «d the neighbours ove heard it Tf k ut the door of the chiffonier thk,, she fn^'n ned to get her to see it was her own fault • she knew, or miVht hn,.e t' - - " ' „^,e xviiuvvii, mat 1 would lu 58 EXTRACT FROM PRIVATE DIARY. ! in be wanting some grog ; that I always had a bother| with that idiotic door; that if she hadn't gon( away, she could have opened it for me. June nth.— Didn't go to bed all last night paced up and down the verandah at intervals] Heard Tilly snore, and, in kicking a chair out oi my way, it fell down with a great noise. Heard baby cry. Tilly called out, "My deai] Salathiel, you've woke the baby ! " I " Bust the baby !" said I. " Don't speak to me —I'm thinking ! " I was thinking. I thought to some purpose, worked oat the plan of a grand Christmas storyj and if the/e isn't pathos in it, and rollicking wit and humour, and a great moral, may I be essenj tially perjoddricated, kifered, and otherwise tidj dlyumped ! ! Whence this irritability — this sudden change oj moods } This is genius. If it isn't, what the dicker] is it } I'll never be conceited again, not even on prif ciple. Your true genius is always modest an] retiring. Newton said he felt like a little chill that had been picking up shells. Must try to fej this myself Must let others praise me, and if the don't do it, must show by my manner that I'm n(| angry with them. I't speak to me EXTRACT FROM PRIVATE DIARY. 59 June i8th.-Had agood day's photointrlSorn arge assortment of views of very Z Jnt k-ellows, holding boomerangs soea^ .. ^" attitude of-holding tilings ^ ' "' '" ^" Strolled into Bobby Scammony's coffee saloon o try and get a game of chess Saw ! [ kom I didn't know. He wore aTittl '' y' Have a game of chess '" sairirr , Ju >o person else in the room ' *' '^'"' ""^ "I don't play," said he, smiling. IrtLer '"™'^' *^ •=°"^^^-*''°" '° poetry and ;;Seen th last Q.eeus^an^,, r- said I. Ves, sard he ; " ' Bohemian ■ ;= / ^itty as usual." ^""^mian is as funny and " Rather strained— isn't it '" sairl T ,"Granted,"saidhe- ..but'lt'c ;u . e Doles, though 1 " ' ' "°' ^^'^- - Give "I am Mr. Doles" sat^l t „■ • , . • Was urbanely p:iif:r '■■'"-'»-'' He shook it warmly, and saiH i,^ ake my acquaintanc; '"' "'"^ P™"'' *» r;Why.'" said I, modestly. I No, said I, " I'm not " "-■•*'" <6o EXTRACT FROM PRIVATE DIARY. " No," said I, firmly, though it cost me a great -effort. " No } " exclaimed he, " why look at your * Lines on a Caprimulgus.* " "Perfect trash!" said I. *' Granted," said he ; " but it's not bad. Then there's your article — * On Zodiacs.' " " Rubbish ! " said I. "Well, perhaps it is," said he; but it's good I •enough for the bush. However — take your last ^Lay Sermon ' but one, 'On the necessity of being forbearing in little things;* — do you know, si*-,! that an aunt of mine said it was equal to somel Teal sermons she had heard preached in £^ng-\ landr " Sir," said I, rising, " I would have you know! that praise is distasteful to me. As I am noti likely to have the pleasure of ever knowing aiil aunt of yours, will you kindly tell her this — You are a young man whom I respect, but I trust thad we shall henceforth be as utter strangers to eaq other." He clung timidly to my arm, and said hj hoped he hadn't offended me. " Not in the least," said I, shaking him off. He dropped on a spittoon, and dirtied his littlj spotted coat. As I left the room, I had the consolation )t bad. Then and said hi EXTRACT jr^OM PRIVATE DIARY. Cl cnowing that, although I didn't feel as if I had )een picking up shells, I had at any rate beea nodest and— retiring. ^ consolation ugh his morning practice. has been surmised that these little circum- ices had something to do with determining the It of the child's mind ; and it is certain that Jy materially influenced the bent of his legs, I ;fich became wonderfully supple, and, as he grew |er, developed joints in the most unlikely parts, ^hen they had both grown to be men, Com- iste u^^ed to recount with great glee little )biamo's first attempt at locomotion. relative of the present writer heard him once lark : — You see, the little wretch had niver seen a rin sowl barrin myself in the daytime, and the ther gentlemen belonging to the Circus at night, [nd, — not wishin to tell a lie — I walked more on iy hands at home, nor on my feet — for practice. Well, sorr, whin Abbiamo first thried to walk |e didn't know which end of him should be up. He was sleepin on my private spring-beard, and /hin he woke, he thried t>< -an beginnings he 4 t X'e''" '"^ *« Jong enjoyed. eminence he When onlv pio-iif^^ 'Challenged the cefetatedT'"' °' '^^' ^'"=«» ten-mile race on Sa^rJ """' ^^^'■'"°°*' '°i -■"" on his hands only De/'"" ^-^bbiamo J manner he might dee™ e,;*;„',*° run in a, A large concourse r^f I Stonehenge was tempo ariy'Sl!" ^^^^"f"^ 3.de, and the race began n. f "^ ™ "^ anticipated, running ifhl us^^'' '' ''"'' b«' °n'y- For a seconf or two at 11^°" ""'' ''' very excitin? contest ^'artrng, it was Abbiamo Iost;-but how few of . gymnasts would have .../..X„ s'chT* ''""' •3ucn a race. >LD SCHWEINHUND; OR, WHY LEARNT GERMAN. Y next door neighbours are the Lenzes. By next door I mean that there is a gar- tn between us, and a line of tall banana trees. I Old Lenz is a pine-monger; he even feeds his kvs on small and damaged pines run through a laff-cutter with a lot of straw. He also mongs caches, and milk, rosellas, sweet potatoes, and Irth-nuts. His children all talk German very [ud, and his wife doesn't know English. Three weeks ago I didn't know German, and I [tend in this paper to narrate the little circum- [ance that caused me to learn it; and I may also Mention that Adolph is going to lend me a lot of ts German books for me to write short little bviews on ; for though they have doubtless all ten reviewed before, they have certainly not been ^viewed from the stand-point of an Australian photographer. But to the narrative. Hot" at" l^aacf" f\ir/-v ir/mofe T Vr^/^ l-kAAM ii*«^£.«. 4-1.^. •68 OLD SCHWETNHUND. impression that old Lenz'"! ru.- .• S.A^aeMund. Now this hL? " "'"^^ H -y having once hi 'd M^ TenTTo '■°" H call her husband by that n. (0"y°°stal, had answered bvmumh '' '° ^'"''^'^ ^I ■over to her. and^aL ^ m v T''""'"'' ^"'^ ^-" -;':'rn:rh::%C"'^-j--etJ nephew from Ukermark bein<. aTort ^f ""^, ""1 opeii parson with a mH; . °'^ undevelj •^^'as soon introd ced tori" 7 "''^^ "^^"^-"4 ■whom he had been . ^. "'^ P'"""'' ""cle to wme .rowing '"""^"^'^ '" ^^'^^^ to learn exi;n?orrespX"V'^^'^"^^^ '^ -^ first week all „ P^*""^^ 'anguages, and for the -d Jam, and ^^'^^^-' --■ «>- J At last he ventured to ask „,» ^u uncle, whom he called his^5!// *'"'°"S^ '"I would two or three t mes a wefr^'Vl''^^"'^^ ' instruction in EngS Not t ^1^^ ''"'"^ ''W li'erary workonhand'atM '"^ ^">' ^''4 -nd read Hamlet aloud to ^7'"'' ' '"""^'^ "e liked it. I St tm It h^s" "'' ''^^' "'Sht the book home w th Wm '?„"r"^''''^"^=*' '^H •over it with his dictionary ^^ ^' ^""''^ P°'^ OLD SCHWEINHUND. 69 [One hot afternoon in the month of February i appeared on the road opposite my house • he bid a large lump of water-melon in one hand )mted to his abdomen with the other, and ex" Jaimed two or three times : "Ozatzees tootoozle leedflaysh voold maylt'"" I shook my head, and remarked in our easy jyle of EngHsh for beginners— "I not can speak Dutch." He seemed annoyed at this, rushed into the )use, and returned with Shakespeare, where he minted out what he had not inappropriately been luoting : — " Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt !" To proceed with the narrative :— One evening young Adolf came round for his> Nson, and I, being in an unusually good humour, hd begmning to feel more familiar, greeted him ^ith " Good evening, Adolf, good evening. And |ow s old Schweinhund ? " 1; Schweinhund !" stammered Adolf, in German. Schweinhund Lenz," said I, smiling, - uncle [elonging to you." "Sei nam ischt Sebastian," said he. " You don't say so ! " exclaimed I. He made no reply to this, and we sat down to KmgLear;" but he didn't seem quite at his |ase. When our reading was done, he said that i ;o OLD SCHWEINHUND. if I called his uncle names that way again i would not learn any more English of me I tl, explained to him why I had called his u„ Schwemhund, and how the mistake had arise and I begged him to enlighten me as to J meanmg of the word, when to my horror I fon that It really was regarded by the Germans as very opprobrious term. | It was then that I determined to Ic.-.rn as mJ German as would save me from calling peoj hideous names when I didn't want to do so a < enable me to review a few of Adolfs Gem books. I made an arrangement which seem admirably adapted to the killing of three bir with one stone. ' I resolved to read all my own works to him . I wrote them, and he has to make his remar about them in German. I have thus the adva tage of having good ordinary German talked me. while Adolf gets in return good English w pronounced, and I am able to hear how my oJ works read, without being interrupted every no and then by little foolish faults being pointed o, I have read Adolf all this present volume up tnis present article -.-Ae likes it. He would ha beeu a clergyman if he had stayed at home, aJ ICi-H young man, he is remarkably cultivated. He was much amused at the idea of a ma. OLD SCHWEINHUND. 71 ling a book for himself, and he said he'd do it self, and put what he liked into it. I told he might, of course, but that it was my idea said It wasn't-a German had done it-and enough he showed me next morning the fol- Ing lines in a German, book that smelt like a ayed shoemaker : — So ich Reime wo geschriebcn, Schrieb ich mir sie mich zu iibcn ; So ich Andern wo belieben, Sind sie Andern auch geschrieben. I told him it was no doubt quite correct • but -I hadn t the faintest idea of what it m'eant r^d him to put it into English. Next morning Ihanded me what he and his dictionary had le of It : — "^ So I rhymes where written, Write I to me them myself to practise ; bo I others where pleased, Are they others also written. [then took Adolf s translation, and translated f for over a fortnight, till I got this :— If ever I have written any rhymes, I did It for myself- by way of nractise; It others have ever been ple.^^. ■) with them, Well then, they were written for others also. thenlet it stand for a day or two, stirrinc sionally, till at last I got this :- ^ M] I;.!! 72 OLD SCHWEINHUND. All the verses I have written Were to exercise my wit on ; Were others with my verses smitten, Tlicn for others they were written. "Adolf," said I, "I'd no idea the GenrJ wrote like that. This is certainly my own se] ments to a hair. I will most assuredly German.*' IN WHO HAVE RISEN (BY ONE OF THEMSELVES). FIFTH SERIES. 'E all know how Newton discovered gravi- tation, and now that it has been dis- [ered we all think we could have done it our- /es, and wonder how people managed before. Tany other philosophers must have seen apples from trees ; but only one per cent, of them; |ld see how it was done. In the gravitation Newton was the one per cent.; in balloons it John Perkins. This gentleman was originally born at Milston [Sussex, but being a posthumous child, the kerstitious villagers would not give him any j-k ; and shortly after this, he assumed a false ^e, and travelled to Bingham, on foot, a dis- :e of over four miles, where by perseverance- modesty he rose to be footman in the family . Mr. Walker. lere it was that he made the grand discovery the balloon. He had one day swept up the Irth in the library, and was leaving the room. 74 JOHN PERKINS. with a tin bucket into which he had swept ashes, when he noticed that it gradually sw out from him till it was completely inverted - holding it at arm's length. It remained in position for a second, and then dropped. There had been a piece of paper in the bucj a hot coal had ignited it, rarefication of the within the bucket was the result, and of courJ rose;— but on becoming inverted, the rarefied] fell out, and the bucket descended. This had doubtless happened to lots of footii before, but Perkins was the one percent; and little circumstance, that with common Vootn would have been passed unheeded, was folio up and experimented on by Perkins. He went on using larger and larger tin buck till from the comparatively heavy tin he got! wocd, and from wood to silk ; burning more i more paper, till from paper he got to oil, and fJ oil to spirits of wine, till he finally too^ 4 patent for a new kind of rarefied air which woulJ fall out, and by means of which he could asc higher than with the old material. f I refer, of course, to that wonderful gas which he at first gave the significant nam! Mghdragon, since corrupted bj linguists hydrogen. But to conclude : — JOHN PERKINS^.. 75 )hn Perkins who rose from a posthumous child je an aeronaut, like other great men, as soon le had reached the zenith of his glory, begaa hake a muddle of things, jeing rather short of money, he laid bets ta |amount of several thousands, that he would ip to a height from which it would be im« lible to descend. He—so clear in all scientific Iters— was unable to see, or at any rate, didn't that if he won his bet, he'd lose it when he le down for his money ! Whether this flashed acrpss him after he had ted, and he resolved to keep on going upwards ^le died, perhaps half way . oss infinite space, t^hether he sneaked down in the night, nobody [ws for certain. He hasn't been heard of for iteen years. He has certaLoly won his bet so .^-■^'idL JEMIMER ANN. /^NE day, twenty years before I was marrij ^<^ a woman told me that she loved me. "What makes yon think so ?" said I. " Well," said she, '' one thing is, that thougj ' am not generally shy, I always become so wi in yonr company." " That is certain one symptom," said I, "i you tell mc any others ? " "Yes," said she; ' have noticed that wher feel inclined to faint, I alw s try to wait till I •near you." " Hum," said I, "any more .?" "Yes," said she, " I often find myself think^ about you when I am alone." " Good," said I, " and have you observed til you start and blush when my name is suddeii mentioned ?" "Oh. frequently!" said she, "and then I tu pale, and try to appear very interested in crochet." " You are sure of that .?" said I. "Quite confident," said she, "and I have h*^ '-•iii JEMIMPIR ANN. myself thinkll 'and I have 77 \z\\\^ longing to embrofler smoking-caps, work slippers for you— sometimes bead-' ;rs, and at other times worsted ones." :an you name," said J, "any really ridiculous you ever did which might be interpreted as of your love for me ?" [any things," said sho,—" one wet day when lad been to see us, I suddenly came across .,r it' of your horse, and I stoc jed down and )o you ever dream of me ? " said I. ^ery, very often ! " said she ; " only last night famt of you. I thought you were sitting on tback, talking to me as I stood at the 1; and I thought you looked so noble and |, that I told you my love." 'es;" said I ; " and do you remember what >lied ? " das, no!" said she;- "it all faded away ^xactl}/' said I. " Well, Jemimer Ann, I the dream well ; I had it myself at the time. It was last night, about twelve, I id say. I dreamt I was on horseback, talk- fo y< 1 at the steps; and y.)u said I looked >ble and good ;— the very words,- ^hen you your love; and while you were telling it, I mnrh annriTj-^rl 4-V.^4- T 11- 1 <• .. ...^-_v:, tiiat i gauejpca away luii I;— that was the ' fadifig away ' part." 78 JEMIMER ANN. ililllfllUb " Arc you sure ? " said she. " Perfectly certain," said I. " Then you don't " " Not in the least, as yet," said I. "You never feel that you would give the \v( for one of my smiles ? " said she. " Really," said I, " I cannot recall havint^ that feeling." ^ "You have not longed to make me J bride ? " ^" "Certainly not to my knowledge," said I. I' In plain words— you love me not," said sh " You can even put it in plainer words tj that, if you like," said I. "Y€s.?" said she. " Yes," said I. "This is fearful," said she. II I confess I don't see why," said I. " Never did woman so lavish her affections mortal man, as I have done on you," said she Quite correct," said I, " you have." "And I have uttered it all, without keep back anything ! " ^' "Exactly." said I. "Well, the next tim. are m love, don't utter it all— that's all " " Jemimer Ann, I am about to take a long I to the far north with my photographic waggon you ever think of me again, remember my friei JEMIMER ANN. 79 Be as lavish of your affection as you may deem v.sable ; but clon't^^.«V utter it alir Ir.b.— She's not married yet. \ 3) i- I II iill INTERVIEW WITH PAT. ii r^ OOD day, Pat," said I. Good day, good day," said he, pausin ^ from the labour of mortising a very thick posl and wiping a rust-coloured face with a mud] ^colourod handkerchief. " Suppose ," said I. " Haven't got such a thing about me, to-dayj said Pat. " There's no more intellect about mi as you call it, than there is about a dash morel pork*— leastways, not to-day." " The brightest intellects," said I, " have perioc of darkness." " I coerce wid you intirely," said Pat. " Man," said I, " is so constituted that he mii\ ihave varying phases." "Oh, he's bound to have them!" said Pat. " But," said I, " he is a rational being."— " Oh, the fool !" said Pat, "he is all that." " — and he can avoid, if he will, * The " Morepork" is an Australian Nightjar, so call from the resemblance of its cry to the words « mnr^ nnrJ Nightjar, so callj Ix>fTERVIEW WITH PAT. g^ -any course that he has observed to bnn^ un, ippiness with it." ^ "Not a doubt of it.sorr," said Pat, taking pro- >und draws from a short pipe ; " but it's mighty ard for h.m to avoid what happened a matted fifteen years ago, in New South Wales — pat s done is done." ' 'llr'v^''^- ^ ' " •'"' ^' ''" ^^^''i brooding If :T' '" ^°"'' "'^' ^'^ probably alluding lan and obliged to work for me wages, it makes >ehang me mouth when I do be thLi^ of it" How came you to lose it > " said I wn I tuk to dnnk, and the mortgagees came [own on me, and sould me off." "It was a great misfortune," said I ; "but vou .ust not make yourself miserable aLout t for "Oh, I have, sorr," said Pat, "but there's on. ..ng does be lyin' heavy on me bit of mTnd and cant shake it off till I get satisfaction and ril I'ver get satisfaction." ' '' ' " " What's that > " I inquired " Well," replied Paf " f k.,„.. . j . -, ..•.^■,;a a uasii wretch o '4 I? i A ! U 5 ft S2 INTERVIEW WITH PAT.'* down there now, and he owes me two pounds to me dyin' day ; and he's Lord Mayor of the dis^ thrick, the vaggybone, and whin I knew him al first, he hadn't as much as myself, if he had tha same." ^ And are you going to make yourself unj happy," said I, "for two pounds that you los fifteen years ago ? " " It's not the two pounds," said Pat, " it's tha way he chokled me out of it. An' thin, Micky] , my bould boy, af it's fornint me ye worr standin this mmit, I'd give you the father of a lambastin'I Luk here, sorr !— he wint and he made a poet o me, and I niver done the likes afore nor since " What is the poem > " said I. " It begins this way," said Pat, clearing hi! throat, and putting himself in a suitable atl titude : — "Oh, Micky McGuire, You're a thief and a liar ? " " Vigorous, and straight to the point," said ll *' well, how does it go on .? " f ^^ " It doesn't go OM at all after that," said Pat "sure I'd nothing more to say, and I niver pj another stitch to it." .x/^^j/"'""^*" '^^'^ ^' "t^^ P^^"^ is perfect! Would that we all could stop when we've said a we ve got to say. Alas, how many poems hav INTERVIEW WITH PAT. 85 point," said ll ruined through exceeding a length of two- ! Pat Brennan, you've given me another bble hint about literary composition • and I try to take it." ■ ' [Well, sorr," said Pat, " I'm sure you're heartily 4ome to all the hints I give you about literary, them things,— it just comes natteral to me "' That's just it," said I. "Now would you d tellmg me, while you finish your pipe, how pas that Micky McGuire cheated you out of [two pounds?" jOh, I will, sorr," replied Pat. " I'll niver for- lit. U I'd been on the jury, I'd have given ten years in irons." [Then he was tried for it ? " said I. Well," said Pat, " he wasn't, to say, t/iried for but I thried for to get him thried. It began ^ way. I used to pass his bit of a humpy* 1st a wake wid butter, and eggs, and the likes that. ! Well Micky cooeyed f to me one day as I was sin', and axed could I let him have a dozen bf rs. ' I cud,' says I. All right,' says he. * Hould on till I get you the money,' says he. [Cabin. ~ ' ~~ ~ MM s ltd 3 II ii 84 INTERVIEW WITH PAT. "'No hurry,' says I. " 'Faith, there's not,' says Micky, pattin' a i of a harse he had there hangin' up to the fd wid the saddle on. That's a nate bit of a harse you have the says I. ' "*Beda\ you're right,' says Micky, ^ and not take ten pounds for him, and poor as luks. " So wid that I drives on to town, and whir passed his humpy on the road home again I se me noble Micky comin' throttin' up from t Avoca road, wid his horse in a lather of swea " ' Where have you been > ' said I, pullin' fornmt the slip-panel. " ' To Avoca and back,' says Micky. " ' Ah, then,' said I, 'that's the little harse q do his darg,' says I, for it was good forty mJ there and back. l Faix, he can that,' says Micky. ' He's chal af ten pounds.' ■ " ' Oh, he is; said I, ' I'll give you five.' " ' It takes you; says Mick, cock/iV hi-- weath eye at me. So off I goes home. i " Well, Micky he wint on till wl.at md but and bacon and eggs he owed me three pounj I wanted him to get into me debt, for I knew had no money, and I w^s dead nuts on hi. bit] iii iictise. ' INTERVIEW WITH PAT. ss r. ' He's chal * So one day I says, ' Micky ! ' ' What ? ' says he. I ' Pay me them three pounds,' says I ^^Wait till I get an offer for my corn,' says 'Not a wait I'll wait,' says I ; 'but I tell you ^t 1 11 do— I'll make a dale wid you for the bit I coult.' [You see, purty nigh ivery time I passed that K he had the dash harse hangin' up at the te wid the bridle and saddle on ]• I can't sell him.' says Micky, ' I get a power ►fork out of him, poor as he luks.' ■Well pay me them three pounds!' says I Hould on a bit,' says Micky. ' and I'll take ^ more bacon of you, and pay you it all in a f Luk here, Micky,' says I, ' I want the ey. and by this and by that I'll summons 1 r".K°"K- P? '"'• ^°^ ^'" Siye you five ^ds for the bit of a coult ; three pounds you j^me, and heres two pounds more, and we're Well,- says Mick, 'he's all the harse I have, 'f you 11 make me an offer for him, saddle bnd e, just as he stands, I'll dale wid you- '0 o make a long story short, I jumped at "Ml "1 (i if: II i « 4 86 INTERVIEW WITH PAT. m \miik the harse, and gev him fifteen bob for the o saddle, and hung the harse behind me cart, and follied me home. f " But when I tuk the saddle off him, the b was all aten away wid galls, and you could aim see down into his works ! ''You see, sorr, Micky he'd niver let me, eyes on the harse wid the saddle off, and h niver been to Avoca that day, nor more thaJ cooey from his humpy-he'd concocted the sv\ himself wid soap-lather, and he was doin' it purpose to kid me on to buyin' the poor baste. '^' Off I goes to Micky, full tear. You thief of the wurruld ! ' says I. V 'V?/'^'^'* y°" warrant him sound in wind limb > says I. " ' I did,' says Micky. " 'And what do you call that .?' says I, poiJ to the back of him. Mkic^'''' ^°"'* call that a limb, do you ? ' s] ||'^No,'saysI, 'I donV "'Then I'm sure it's not the wind of hi says Mick. Pay me them two pounds,' says I. u ! ?u ^"^ ^^^ ^°"' ^^^^'' ^^ys Micky. , ^ Ah, then,' says I, Mt'll be the sorest cho iv^r you chokled whin you chokled me out tnem two pounds.' ' INTERVIEW WITH PAT. «7 I ' '^'"'"5 *"^ bridle, just as it stood to » Inaman for three pounds, and Micky he owes the two pounds to my dyin' day " And you served a Chinaman the same trick : Micky served you," said I Small Wame to me," said Pat," "sure wh,f -hinaman but a yellow blacLfelir' :« a [But," said I, " I vvouldn't play such a trir-l- h on a black-fellow." ^ '™'' Well, sorr," said Paf- ".•*',» u . "'' '* * to be hoped vou'll Imore sense when you get older nZ . y offence, sorr." °'der,_„ot manin' M «l M < h 3i 4 'i RISE AND PROGRESS OF MATH] MATICS. T_T OW small and simple have been the be| J- A nings of the most important things . Between the marine ascidianand man there i ; degrees that must have taken fully^fivc thousa years to accomplish. Galvani notices that frogs hop off the taJ when sulphuric acid is applied to their? dorsal tremity, and this is the small point from wh the telegraph ultimately arose. An old Greek notices that you can take ape anywhere, and on this little'point was reared grand structure of Geometry. Another old fellow goes and discovers the . A. B. Probably he didn't know theValue of L own discovery ; probably other fellow's laughed] him and said it was a chimera— the'offspring diseased imagination. Probably he felt so noyed at this, that he wouldn't discover any mj lines, for there appears to have been, after th a long blank in the history of mathematical covery. RISE AND PROGRESS OF MATHEMATICS. 89 We musn't laugh at these old Greeks for H. .onstrating things that are, to „s. stXt /e can all see at a glance, now, tU a Iqua"e _iust have four sides, and that all the inte4' .ngles of any rectilinear figure, together wthfou hght angles are equal to twice as manv rZ tt heGtkThalTs*'" '■" '■'= ^"^^-^' I J .I.- "= '-';^e'<'> nadn t seen as many souarpQ nd th,ngs of that description, as we have ' ve";"irttS'''th°°'' '!r ''■°""' °' demonstrating h^v i,.^ J :• '° argument with you till hey had distinctly ascertained that you ^u Id that-a whole pumpkin is greater than a part K the same pumpkin, "tc etc ' a pait f a Sr't'e' f""' "^t^""^ '^^ °'her things h a similar tendency, then they'd talt f^ , tZT:'! r °^ ^"""^ *Ci y wCe f)ol enough ^.o let them -2 G^r rear tt^r^ ^^-^ -p- -he world's infancy"::; f I tr^'atl '^ Kel^r'Tf "' ^'^•" '" ^ flippant stnT ble as ca7o; J; f"' " chronological a t the earlv „!fu '".°'' '•^'"arkable discoveries f "le early mathematicians. '•I I .11 Hi 'I t tl ' 1 31 ^w 4 S.f- '.ii 90 RISE AND PROGRESS OF MATHEMATICS. Cleon. — Discovered that you could take ai point anywhere. Stp . X. — Proved that all plane figures have exJ tension. Pythagoras.— Experimenting with three pieces of stick, accidentally discovered the triangle, andl refuted the absurd theorv ot Chrysippus wliO prej tende ' he couki do it with two sticks. Archon. — First conceived t ^ idea that things] which are equal to one another, are equal to the same thing. Archimedes.— Invented the line A. B. amids| the applause of his pupils. Phalako . — The ingenious inventor of obtusj angles, died in the workhouse. Diophantus.— Author of sevc al treatises 01] the line A. B. of Archimedes, discovered the sigij + (plus), and left obscure hints about anothe one, supposed to have been — (minus). AUTOLYCUS.— Pupil of Diophantus, when onlj thirty years old, discovered the sign — (minusl after many abortive attempts. Magnificent obelis( to his memory in the market-place at Alexandn> with the sign — (minus) beautifully carved on ij in alto-relievo. Philarchias.— Founder of a school, followir up the sign — (minus) of Autolycus, found tha if two of them were placed parallel to each otheJ lEMATICS. could take ures have ex- A. B. amidsj RISE AND PROGRESS OF MATHEMATtCS. 9, leach to each, horizontally, they would produce the s,g„ = ^equal). Assassinated by the pupns y a nval s. hool, because he said he considered |h.mse' >ubly equal to Autolycus. '°""''"^'' Afte this it was all plain sailing for the ereat Euc id : the line A R h^H k. j ^ Lt r.r «n. r ''^^" demonstrated, a lot of other mes, angles, etc., had been d s- beW is /"' ''' '° ''' ^^= *° -^X "P W^ C 1, u ^''^ "'^^'' '=^'' "i'^ book; but I believe he has done his work conscientiously. i!: •(I '1 u tor of obtusj IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) k /- ^ ^^ 1.0 1.1 lA^lli |2.5 lit E^ £f 1^ 12.0 2.2 1125 i 1.4 m 1.6 X liuiL^ajjiikj Sciences Corporation 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580 (716)872-4503 M i\ iV # v> v\ •%«• ■^ ^ >. '/. «• !> <> >^ MEN WHO HAVE RISEN (BY ONE I OF THEMSELVES). ' SEVENTH SERIES. T UDWIG Von Schaffha«se„, a foreigner, canj -^ not be omitted from these sketches, for he s such a capital instance of how a man, original] the son of a common brewer, may rise to be th greatest toe-pianist of his age. When only twelve years old he happened to be brewing something or another in his fathers calit"' k'^^" '""'' ""^'^'"^^y ■•"Advertently caught h,m by the arms, and he was only saved from mstantaneous death by the presence of mind scvt^r" f ° ^•'^"^^'l t° pass that way with a shoulders "' °"" ''"''""'' '''"' "'^ "^y 4 The father, who appears to have been of a mean and graspmg disposition, annoyed to think that h.s poor boy would never grasp more, turned hi J out of the house in disgust. This was just what Ludwig wanted. He re-i tired to a lonely barn with some sausages and a Bute. For months he practised, and suddenly the LUDWIG VON SCHAFFHAUSE^f. 93 Inhabitants of the town were electrified by seeing k bare-footed youtl, !yi„g on his back in a! -cpal street, and playing the flute with Ws J^need hardly add that it was little Ludwig wd and undignified position when the heap of oppers that had accumulated over him begfn to ^mpede his respiration. ^ con'lerted' M?^ ' '°"'' ^°" '' '""^ ''^keries. he ^Sttnlr^^"\''^'° " silver dollar, which ae kept all his lue, as being the foundation of the ^colossal fortune which he afterwards so nea^Jj His great perseverance and singular talent for f Tor r sifed r "°" °^ ''- ^°^^ °^ In , . , assigned him some garret in the oSS:rr °''?^ ''"" ^ >'-' ^ ^"~ mteen thalers (over three pounds of our monevi and advised him to learn the piano ^^' By rigid economy Ludwig saved as much money m ou 3 ^ ^.^ ^^ ^^^^^^ ^ money hand piano, and after several weeks of hard practising, he had the pleasure of announ ing o c ave°' T^ n' '^^ ^""^^^^^ '" stretching' a„ [octave. The Doge said that he was glad to hear \i:t::tT^. '•- --^ *- shiiconarst" I ♦ I ) l« ! n i r ^ i .94 LUDWIG VON SCHAFFHAUSEN. Thus Stimulated, Ludwig practised with in creased energy, and in three weeks' time p H formed at a public concert, playing with wonderful prec.s.on the most difficult passages from BeS hoven, and another man whose name I forget at this moment how to spell ^ takf hi^StTXTjrs.ifr^ ^^"1^ H t« I u- , P^'^'^'-s . out Ludwig refused to leave his early patron. Ludwig V. Schaiifhausen was a man of the most having so successfully overcome his want of arms ^rTf- ■" "' ""'"^ '■^*^-'- "^-k in h. n.t ?I fl""""' * '*'="S^^ ^°"'d not readily He died of ossification of the pe raueht* one^evenmg through trying to play two jiianos^t j THE BITER BITTEN. /^NE balmy morn in December, the present v./ writer transported his little camera down the Breakfast Creek road, to photograph the house and grounds of a government official. As he may riot like to see his name in these pages, ! will call him Edward. He'll know who it is when he reads I the story. For a long time I didn't succeed in getting a good photograph, and as I appeared to be a gentle- I manly person, wore a snow-white coat, and had (made a pun, he asked me in to lunch with him. It wasn't much of a pun ; it was about his bam- boos. He had gone to great expense in buying bamboo cuttings, which, contrary to our usual ex^ perience of bamboos, wouldn't strike, so that he had two lines of jointed poles, fnstead ofabeauti^ I ful avenue. " Well," said I, " as it's evident you've been \hamboozUd by the man, 'ave a new lot off some I person else." It was not without a certain degree of trepid- [ation that I suspended my mushroom in the hall i II ■I ''II ii 9<5 THE BITER BITTEN. :i i' Of a government official ; but I nerved myself to appear at ease. / <=" lo As I entered his superb drawing-room, my eves were bewildered with the objects around me^nd ^ke a drownmg man, I clung to a seven-and-six- penny album, as being something sufficiently earthly, and w.thin the range of my understand ' It opened at the portrait of a contented-look.i 'ng old gentleman with one hand conspicuously posed so as to exhibit a large ring " That " said Edward, " is Doctor Stonkin who murdered another man's uncle, and then commit ted suicide. " Ah," said I ; " and who is this ?" turning to I the portrait of a particularly mild-looking youth with no perceptible chin. ^ ^ ;' That," said he, " is the notorious Bunch who poisoned four of his intimate friends one after the other having previously induced them to insure their lives in his favor." At this I jumped up {internally) but didn't let him know that I had any idea of what he was doing. I myself had a very good collection of criminal celebrities, as they formed part of my stock^in trade, from which I took copies for sale. Bunch was one of my photographs, and my genuine Bunch was not a bit like his. THE BITER BITTEN. 97 "Ferocious expression of face," said he, "when ^ou look well into it." When I did look well into it, I clearly saw that was a likeness either of a brother of Edward's ^r Edward himself, disguised as a new chum.* Further on he shewed me Mrs. Wear, who had been hung for a variety of things. I also had Mrs. Wear, and my Mrs. Wear bore no resem^ * )lance to his, who was in all probability his nother, for she too had a very faint chin. I was on the point of saying, " A truly disgust- ing object !" and didn't, just as lunch was an- nounced by a gong. In the confusion of the moment I offered hiiu ly arm, which he politely but firmly declined md we walked separately into the dining-room' vhich was less gorgeous, it is true, than the other room, but very chaste. Here I was introduced to Mrs. Edward, and we sat down to a collection of remarkably fine sar- dines, fresh from the tin. I still appeared to be U very gentlemanly person, although an obscure photographer, so when I asked him if he wouldn't call on me at my little house in the country and inspect my photographs, he graciously signified his mtention of calling next time he passed my 'way. ' Mi ■III •ii \\ t< > ^ i tiii *A "new chum" L a new comer to the colony. 98 THE BITER BITTEN. formed a percenHWe ' ^'""^^ haviJ W^ house and St : S^I,''! ^-'^"^ '° H Wa poor relations iTeZ/T^^"^' '4 place he had • though ^ ^^ ""^^^ * ^P'^n^) tioned them at' the sal tt ""'^ '^^''^^'^ «l coming out unless they hL?'' "°\ '° "'""" » as there was not the iLt 1 """^ ^^'^' "P''H emment billet. ''"^"'^^ of getting a gov " Welcome to Collodion Hall •• j r f him into the parlour "*"' «a.d I, showinj nam?'°"'^'"^"-"'--<'he."quitea„imposi„J Pe^P^'S a'gliLfrllrrr^"'"^^ ^-^"^^ ^ handtdt'mmyir'air^r- ^^ ^''-'•=''. for home use ""^ "'^"""'"al celebritie " Wilberforce," said I •• f i great cerebral develor,™! . *" "'"'"Painting i s.Ve forehead ■.ZS^r^lT'''"''' ^'*'' "pH the projection ofttetwsK ;•"""'* '"^''^'"^ 4 in the mouth " "' ' ''"^ g^^at philanthropvl Turlr;:erhe'^'''--etface." ] THE BITER BITTEN. g^ "Professor Snike." said I. " the greatest analy- Ical chemrst of the present age " "Highly intellectual cast of face," said he We next came to the photograph of the aged Id mfamous K.rby, who was hung in England for complication of crimes enHino- i„ n, M . whole family. ' "^ '" *''^ '""'■''" "^ "My father," said I ; " one of the kindest and ^^s^t _tempered old fellows you'd meet in a day's "Doesn't he look " said Edward, hesitating ^K by rea ly had a most villainous look abou m- doesn't he look as if he had-as if he had id some severe trials.'" " ne naa " Yes," said I. <• he had one very severe trial TaSh ' '^'° V'^ "'■e-he wasTriedTor? ! •r and hung. The next is the notorious Bun cb ■d the next is Mrs. Wear ; allow me to give you home f Tr '" ^''^"'°" ^° y°- «"' a bum He smiled sadly, and never passed my {way " ^ ' " Nothing," I murmured. " Who appreciates you > Who knows you ?"j MR. JAGG. lOI [• Nobody," said I. I' Why ?" he asked. [' ^^"'' '"^'^^ " °"t." said I. "and I'm sure I've r ''WTt"^ "'' '"''^^^^ «' '"'y genius that fcr walked the earth." Of_^course, of course," said he, "but wA^ [' Alas !" said I, " only my wife." 'Mr. Doles," said he, " I'll tell you the whole fret-you want a biographer I How is it we k-w every b.t about Johnson, Pope, Cowper ron eta > Simply because they had biograpj,: I^uT.T'^ "^"^ °"^ '^^y ofJohnson's after he had Boswell, than we do about twenty 'rs before. Sir, how are people to know tha^ rise at S.X. and plant-cabbages, say, till break- Pt, or that you have very violent fits of— pas- K say ; or that you have a pr -.liar way-say rjreak,ng your egg,-who is to know all these jtle things if you have no Boswell '" "Well," replied t, "but I don't want the world know that I have violent fits of-passion, say." Granted," said he, " but ifs the lot of genius. ot but what. If you eventually decide upon en- Igmg me, we could come to some terms by which m'ght make things pleasant for both parties It^Z rl*"^ !;"'" *'"S '^^' y°" don^ want pe world to know. \ I ( 4J t 1 102 MR. JAGG. I M t i ♦ i f, I " What would you want a week ?" said I r ^ P°""d a week, and my board,"' he repl But. said I, "you couldn't spend all the J in akmg down every little remark I might mj and some days I hardly speak a word." ^ thin? '"''^ ''"' " y°"''^ ""^ '"'' '" '^y =«■ " But perhaps nothing original," said I. that falls from a man of genius " ^ . " True," said I, "but if I made the same iJ remarks every day, you wouldn't put them d. every day, would you ?" " Sir, I would," said he. "But I wouldn't like it," said I. " I J prefer that on days when you are not dogging, footsteps to catch any stray words of folilL that n,ay slip from mc, you would make youJ generally useful in " '^ ^ '' Chopping um-er-wood >" he asked. On days when I am not going to make J remarks worth jotting down, I'll give you a hi and you can dig in the garden, chop firewood, J «c but on days on which I feel like Johnson ' shall be regarded as a Boswell " marke5Tj!,r"«^ °"'^ °" S""^»y^." h'' marked timidly. " You must know, sir, tha «|||| MR. JAGG. lOJ (re had some good jobs in the biography lin- Vn^M: ^r'"""- -<^ InevcrUto oi^ hand with work- ; however I'M try it I ca fnrErgii"^^^""'""'-"-'^--^ ■'•--/ ' Can you >" said I. [You'd better behove it !" said he ; "things rd and seen in the literary world, by „,S t i tt^earraT r '^"' '°^•^ ^''°' '^^^ latched every Ivf. '" T^"">'^°" « ^'"dy, and every move ; my employers gave me ly gumeas for my notes." •I shall be truly glad," said I, « to hear some aen like a man, and make as many notes for ZZt' -T. ^°" ""• ^""'^ ^g-ement ml; r 1 m on, said he. f What s your name ? " said I Jagg," said he. [' ^'" ^^" y^" Boswell, for short," said I " A „^ Nme to inform you that T nf V' ^^ tain fif'M J« »,• , ^ ^^" show you a ta^n field m biography which, as far as I ^m are, has never been touched." ^ kt » t tl (I ! I ■tr i:' MR. JAGG. »0J ■e had some good jobs in the biography line hand With work ; however I'll try it I can lnrErg7aUr>' --—dotes oriiterary " Can you ?" said I. "You'd better believe it !" said he ; " things rd and seen .„ tl,e literary world, by n,yse^ Tr Z vJ T" '°"'""'^'' '■°'- ^ Whole day er he httle red sofa in Tennyson's study, and ■atched every move ; my employers gavl me y gumeas for my notes." 'I shall be truly glad/ said I, " to hear some your anecdotes. In the meantime dig in tTe denhke a man, and make as many not^s fo^ " I°m on '^ i'f P""'^ ^' ^ ^'■'^'^ "°"^e." ^ m on, said he. •■ Methinks I hear the sound of distant steaks " d I. advancng towards the house. ' , Ha^ ha said he, •' alluding to the crepitating ^ffrymgmeat! Very good 1" ^ "^ it l!l I! i 104 MR. JAGG. I (I iiik ''What's that.? "he inquired. , "I often talk in my sleep," said I "and mJ ve^ witty remarks, and sletiLs laugh 1 wake my wfe. Often have I begged hfr to ' and remember till morning some of the or" week o.^^o TVl " ^'"^^"y "«^ Mea. 0„« sofa anrf '^ ^"^^ * ''^'^ """^^ '■°r me on i " Somehow or other these last remark, until hThad b° '''''-' ''' ^'"^'^- -""wad S s of'lteak" thaTh "^ '^'^^"^ '° ^^^>' H buoyant "'*' ''" '■^=°^^'-^'°"'-^c ^hat .>- i„- 'My dear," said I, "he is a k; lows celebrated men TJ . ''|°g'-apher ; he feraphies." *''°"* ^"^ writes their hs^hegoingto follow you about for that?" Only for a week or two on t,-;,i - t , Oh," said my wife " 4^" ? v . '^P''^'^- elebrated man .^^ ^°" ''" =^" y°"^«elf 'Well, mv dear," .said I "that (c ^u k I let <,„v.^. call me " '''" '°" "'^ ' Then yo don-t deny it. ^" said she. ,No sa,dl,,.i,a„.twelldenyit." f And hes actually going to write your bio- Ki's"''''"'*""'^"'*^'^^ a pound's 'Ws;eall'kwi,ttfd"t-^^'"''"'^' 1._ ... **"' "^ to dig the crarriev — -i"'/ Will only be his relaxation." °' II I 1 ! t II t io6 MR. JAGG. "Then, of course," said Matilda, "he will and eat with Pat for the future." " Certainly," said I. "And," said Matilda, >ou must get J servant girl as soon as possible-a new chum fr from the Depot." f "Fresh from the Depot," said I, retirinJ have a word with my biographer. "Mr Jagg," said I, ''are you really hard , for ajob.?" ^ "I am," said he ; " there is so little doing in , hne about Brisbane just now." " In the biography of celebrated men ? " ^'' Yes, sir," said he, " it really won't keep n , . Have you nothing else to fall back on ?1 inquired. " Well," said he, " I do odd jobs of reportij now and then,-ril not deny it; but iJ biographer by trade. I was travelling biograpJ for a large publishing firm in England,-! guineas a week, and expenses paid Whei geatleman wrote a successful poem, or a novel! what not, they used tc send me down to private residence. Sometimes the gentlem would engage me himself,-if he wasn't » celebrated he'd be sure to ; but if he wouldn used to get my notes on the sly by bribj servants. I have known me give as much as MR. JAGG. 107 Ineas to be shewn under a sofa before a family t up,— sandwiches and sherry handed under the to me when there was a chance, a guinea a. What made you come out to Queensland ? " ' Well, you see, sir," he answered, " I was told London that there were so many men in leensland who would be celebrated,— if they te only known, that I looked on the colony as te a new field. But I found it too new a field that business. Why— I've only had one per- Inent engagement as a biographer since I came f, and that was for one of the largest squatters ^ the Darling Downs, who went smash about my Ird chapter of him, and had to turn auctioneer, hd even then, I was more book-keeper than pgrapher on the station." Mr. Jagg," said I, " that leads to what I Inted to say :— I'll engage you to dig up my jrden at a pound a week, and let you have as lich biography as you can make out of it, by hr of perquisite. You will live and get your ^als with Patrick Brennan, my fencer. He also 5uld be very celebrated if he were known, and has a first-rate latent biography, which you 1 no doubt be able to extract. Pat cooks for iself, and gets as much of all kinds of eatables he wants ; Mrs. Doles only bakes his bread. If U h ;i j! I« I f .'I: n, io8 MR. JAGG. If the same arrangements will suit you sav In another ten minutes he was digging in stud.o, then >„ charge of my able assistant, pj ■!'-« ^ i! PAT AND THE CROCODILK It >• li pAT," said I, one evening when we were hav- A ing a confidential chat, "what do you think •four new servant girl fresh out from Ireland ?" " Well," replied Pat, " I think she'd not be a lad-lukkin' gyurrl, if she would only wear stays >n them thick ancles of hers." '• Yes," said I, " perhaps that is rather her eak point." "Her weak point .>" said Pat, " bedad then I should say they worr a dash strong point •" "Remember," said I, "that she's a poor new :hum, and moderate your strong language if you hink she is likely to hear it." "Oh, the fools !" said Pat, "it's just like them. can t make out what does be bringin the in- ■ocent poor people from ould Ireland, to come and ive m a dash hole like this-over-run wid snakes ind santipees and muskeeties." "Now, hold on a bit," said I, " before you run lown the colony that way. I'll give you a pound - every snake you've seen for the last seven i« lor no PAT AND THE CROCODILE. i !f!!!i| "Done!" cried Pat. " and you can draw mi out a cheque for the amount. I can recJn! five snakes I seen myself, and the only one Id not see was one that was killed by a chao of tl, name of Bothered Joe." ^ ^ "And do you think," said 1, "that there were nj snakes m the colony but the five you saw an the one Bothered Joe killed . J" ^ y"" ^^^' ^H '"_ Oh, there was lots more," said Pat, " but I'd nothm to do wid them one way or another." , You d,dn t see them," said I. " so you owe mJ a penny for every snake in the Colony " 1 " '^'"•f '■°'- y°"." said Pat, "and if you'll mvi «e my five pounds for thim I saw, you can makJ out your account for all the snakes^ didn-^ "f M -P'^-rx" ^^" ""'^ ''°"««t "ke a man." all, till I can find out what would be a fair thinj to deduct from them." ""^ IT^"' ^""''■^ "^^^' ^°"'" said Pat -na^sm,,e snake for the three mUsToul snZTLTiT"" "^'"^ ^^'- "'»'' *e 4 wu him." ''"" "'" °^ "^ '^^ nd of him, and bathered it into gruel, while the est of us worr lukkin for the other end of him • >ut we cuddn't find it high or low, till next day at inner, a chap seen him squintin' out behind :he flour-bag, and this time they killed all but tbout two inches of him that connived away wid the dash head of him ; ar ^ we niver seen a hair >f him after that till the nixt day at dinner the :ook remarrcked him thryin to move his head nto a pair of boots ; but he'd got that weak wid iot havin any stummick for two days that he :uddn t manage it. and while he was concocting vhat hed do nixt, the cook smashed him wid a It it ii' ,e i ■■(■ . ni 112 PAT AND THE CROCODILE. 'ill ''U that's the worst thing you've got to s run It down the way you do " of "JX ^.--^t/hing r said Pat, " why that's oJ Fit ^ T., ^""^^''hecrockidilesonthatsaj F.tzroy ! m „iver forget to my dyin' day wd happened to me. Luckily I cuddn't swim or a crock.d.Ie. I was only a new chum in tliJ parts or the overseer would have cautioned agm the r.ver. Howandiver, one Sunday I god down to the river wid a bar of soap, thinkin' wash the dust off of me ; and I strips and! into a shally part. Now, if I'd been able to swi, It s out into the middle of the river I'd have beel where the crockidiles does be swarmin like bio,] for'Zt' ^^f ^°' ^ ^°°'^ '""•^'■' *"^ ^as makii for the bank to come out, when what should IsJ but a log about ten yarruds off I hadn't notice] 1 before ; but thinks I, I can step out on that 2 •clMe and convanient widout dirtyin my feet Sol «akes for the log, splashin and singin as hearty J one enH ""''."'!/"°«^"' ^ turns that way, it sticJ ^et'thV/^'-!° "''^ '° "^ '^y'" '^^y- 1'" n'^er for-i get the turn ,t gave me ! You see, sorr, I'd niver| PAT AND THE CROCODILE. 113 kn taught crockidiles at school, and I thought it ks a soort of a Bobby from the next world, come indT^ ""^ ^""^ ''"^'" '^^-'^ ""^ Shillaly' on l"I gev a lep in the air, and made a straight rack for the hut, and not a stitch on me but die Ir of soap. Well, the overseer he axed me what |as my hurry, and I tould him. '"It was a crockidile,' says he. Then there raly is such things > ' says I "'There is,' says he. I'" Ah, then, that's a good job, says I,' 'for I lought It was something a dale worse.' -TK^^'" ^!^.T '"" ^'^"^ ^ "^^"'' says he. I They will > says I ; ' then, if you'll lend M gun next Sunday, I'll pepper them.' I You cuddn't' says he, 'not wid a gun; the ^le of them is about a foot through ;-it's a rifle )u want I'-Sonixt Sunday he borrowed the boss's rifle; bt he didn't purtind it was for me he wanted it. L.J' 1, fu^' '^^' ^' ^'''" ^^ g«^ it to me. fhats all th.s about, at all-is it to wind it up id— or what >' . *^ I " ' It's a breechloader,' says he, and wid that he sinced me into the way to load and fire it; [nd, says he, ' there's one thing you must know f" y°" want to hit an obiprt a^ » t,. Hr--^ •— It »»l 1% ^ t J. "4 PAT AND THE CROCODILE. ruds, kape this bit of a flap down ; and if vd want to hit at five hundred yarruds. put it 2 way, and ,f you want to hit at a thousand, p„t straight up.' ' ^ " ' I see I see,' says I ; • and if you want to hi at over a thousand yarruds, I must pull it back J me agen, up to two thousand yarruds ' j " ■ No ; ' says he, 'it's only sighted for a thoJ and yarruds. ' tbe'm^" "^^^' '"^^ '' '^'" ^'^" '■'* "^^' "So off I marches wid me rifle, and a dozt. cartridges, as bould as a little regiment ; a. when I got to the river, I sneaked about till spotted one of them crockidiles. He was lyii in the sun, chewin the cud, about a hundred yJ ruds off me. I tuk up my position behind a fJ 11 Tlu '^T^„'"y ''^■■"".' says I, 'I'll just sd one of these balls right in betwixt your two eyd But, you've a mighty tough hide, so I'll not wad the hundred-yarrud shots on you ; but I'll ,« give you a taste of the five hundred yar-udert commmce wid ; for,' says I, 'if it '11 kill you at] hundred, it '11 knock you stone dead, if I put it five hundred.' " So I takes fair aim, and pulls the thriefa Bang goes the rifle, and I sees the crockidile L cock his ears, and run about fifty yarruds furthe PAT AND THE CROCODILE. 115 ll, I knew he was hit, for I aimed at the ugly of him, ' but; says I, ' I see where it is - hide is that dash thick, I shall have to put he thousand yarruder, before I can make a I in you.' So I sighted it for the thousand fuds, and let him have it. Well, this time he ' his nose, and lukked up, but he never stirred ep. ['Another like that,' says I, 'in the same be, and I II engage I'll work a hole in you in [course o' time.' So I let him have another thousand yarruder I thought he lukked weaker after it, for he |r shifted, but only moved his tail to one side I was gettin' him by degrees ■Now 'says I • n, just give you one more. then 1 11 go and mspickt your carcase.' So I Imed the sight as hard up as I cud. and let him kit hot and strong-the whole thousand yar- fcr fa,r betwixt the eyes, and he never stirred i or hmb. 'That's one of you.' says I. »ugh If ,t goes on this way, it '11 take a power bartndges to clear the river of you ;' and off I ched to have a luk at him. Well, sorr. I'm tellm you a word of a lie-when I got about ' way to him. he made a run and dived into ' nver ! That'll show you what a crockidile is • the next one I shot was worse, for I don't ** if )| It I ! if « ii6 I- PAT AND THE CROCODILE. hmk I was seventy yarruds off hin,, and I sli„„ he two thousand yarruder into him, and i,e' .ver t ■ ^''''' '"'' ''•'" =* ''^^'l'^-- into ' river, grinnin . " That rifle was no more use for crock-i.liJ nor ,f Id been peltin' them wid pota o p | and so I tould the overseer. To Ml a crock] sorr supposin youVe no cannon handy, you J a nfle sighted for about four mile, and'^^o'T o up to about fifty yarruds off them. Well they got nothmg Hke that in the old country a„d1 .t altogether, I say Australia is a dash hole J enough for crockidiles and black-fellows arr' hkes of that,-but it niver was built f^'a";! man hke you arr me." This was Pat's story of the crocodile and w^ I came to think it over afterwards. I fo ndtlj ^Sor ^"""^^^ "•'■■^^' "'•- ^^o- H People who write books are supposed to be ai >ng at producing a certain effect the vrn?' mice if i-u^^ I. '-»«ccL, iney rcptr'ted m ss ,t through excessive and unnecessary J bole. Let us try to accommodate our style to RKAZOKS WHY THE EARTH IS ROUND. » DON T know why I chose this subject. But this IS a digression. The earth is round be- luse of an immutable Iaw-^//.;>/,,^/,^/ ^,,^,',, ^^.^ b.«^; the earth is spherical ; hence the earth ; round. We term this form of reasoning, a ^'llogism. I might have put Q. E. D after it hts of people do. But to return. Only round Mies can have attraction of gravitation ; the irth has it ; it is found everywhere Gravitation is what is used when you want to down a coalpit in a hurry. It is also used for I variety of other purposes. I' ^1 avels in straight lines. If it were to go crooked, it would be found very |wkward to deal with. All immutable laws, with but few exceptions [0 in straight lines. If a straight line could be made long enough, it Md have no end. - A line is a point in motion. ii8 WHY THE EARTH IS ROUND. I «'i Motion is a funny thing. Properly speaking, there is no such thing as motion ; for if you suppose all the stars, etc., i„ the universe blotted out, with only one remain- mg and that one moving at what would be three million miles a second, if there were another point in space by which the motion could be measured,-then it could be proved that this body ,s really standing stock-still, for as' space is mfinite this one body is not getting an inch nearer the endof it, but is, on the contrary, only wadin. deeper into it. Hence, motion is only an appear- This is what we term ^a profound thought: I might have put a note of exclamation after it Lots of people are surprised when they have a profound thought, and that's why they put notes ot exclamation. I never use them. But to return. Reader, if I have said anything v/h.ch may tend to dispel the gross clouds of Ignorance in which you are involved ■ if I have made two blades of grass grow where none grew before, then I'll write another little scientific article by-and-by. 'p ■ 9 4 J IMEN WHO HAVE RISEN (BY ONE OF THEMSELVES). EIGHTH SERIES. ^HOMAS Rudd. who a few years ago at- tracted a considerable share of the pubhc ttention, deserves mention in these brief memoirs n account of the astonishing rapidity with which k rose from being the son of a cheesemonger in he west of England to be the strongest man on fecord. The sons of remarkable men have not un- rrequently owed a great deal to their mothers • in he present instance this was most especially the psse. When Thomas was but a fortnight old she had 1 m vaccmated, and noticing that it requi-ed the Jnjted efforts of four men, besides the doctor, to ^old h.m down during the operation, it occurred P her that if proper attention were paid to his rammg, he would grow up to be a remarkably ptrong man. ^ This little circumstance attending his vaccina- ^n, would, but for the mother, have been entire- I20 THOMAS RUDD. nt I w 00 4-1 H* ly unnoticed, for Rudd, the father, was stone blind, and a monomaniac,— his whole soul being absorbed in the buying and selling of cheese. Before little Thomas was a year old, he beiran to show the usual instincts of other strong men by trying to straighten horse-shoes,' and doubk kitchen-pokers round his neck ; and his kind mother used to humour him by keeping his nursery well supplied with stout iron bars, and small bould- ers of granite for him to smash with his fists When verging on eight years of age, he began to play various little tricks which, as his intellect did not expand with his muscle, made his mother almost fear that when he grew older he would be- come dangerous. Among other little pieces of wanton mischief that he did at this period of his hfe I may instance his pulling the hg off a house maid and all but completely eviscerating the post- Fortunately his love for his mother was capable of, in some degree, restraining him, and however eager he might be in the commission of one of his childish freaks, he would always stop when his mother said in a gentle voice— " Fie, fie, Tommy, that's naughty !" On one occasion (in his tender years) he saved his fathers life through his mother having made that remark ; but the old man was confined to his "'■'^ at e'u « dry toj ivelve, vi THOMAS RUDD. ,,, [bed for eight weeks after it, and never interfered Iwith his little boy again. ""eriered In this manner did the domestic hTe of Thomas |.de along until he was twenty years old, X„ i.s parents, seemg plainly that he was too stTon" or a cheesemonger, advised him to travel and ex |..b.t feats of strength as a professional athl el F-:- several years did Rudd astonish the worid nth Ins extraordinary muscular efforts, and indeed ome feats were almost incredible He could crack a walnut by holding it as one I ds an eyeglass, and then winking ; he could fa ton and a half with one arm, blifdfold ; tear H h,s hands only, a common blacksmith's anvi lor, bons m e,ght seconds and a quarter ; and prust h.s head through six inches of solid Nkmg. without first greasing his head, as is tommonly done. During the whole period of his public career udd was smgularly abstemious, his doctor havin; formed lum that unless he kept himself down by »w d.et, he would die of muscular degeneration Mis usual regimen was :— Rise at five ; take a long walk into the country Mth half a ton or so strapped on his back; break- M at eight,-cup of weak tea with a slip or two I dry toast; dumb-bell exercise with anvils till rvelve, varied with tearin? lar^P ,v„„ k,!!- .- ■t ;• 122 THOMAS RUDD. pieces with the fingers ; lunch,— cup of beef-tea, or slice of bread-and-jam. After lunch he used to permit himself one pipe of tobacco, and while smoking he would amuse himself by trying to learn his letters; but he made, as he himself | used jocularly to remark— "very little progress! with them." Before coming to the closing years of thisi truly strong man, I may mention that he pos- sessed the very rare faculty of instantaneously increasing or diminishing his weight at will. Hid actual weight was a little over sixteen stone ; but more than once, when placed on his back on the scale of a weighing machine, he has, by the meref straining of his muscles, gradually brought him- self up to thirty-four stone. His vanity now prompted him to attempt scn-j sational feats, such as allowing cannons, anchors] and things of that kind to be dropped on him from a great height, and he once got his left arj severely bruised in this way. He next advertised himself as warranted tol catch a ball fired from a cannon carrying ten to the ton ; and he indeed did catch it, for his skull was terribly fractured, and to make matters worse, his wrists were so severely strained tliat he was unable for more than a week to gWo any public performance ; but as soon as his wrists! was THOMAS RUDD. 123 l^'^^l "'''"' """ ^"^^S^^ '"■--'f (unwise, jly^perhaps) to stop an express train going ^Zl Ihis station on he S inT r''' ^"'^ '°°'^ "P b seize th. 1", ; • ' '"'^"'''"& it is believed stop tlae r t ; . .' ^"'^ ^^'^"^ ^'""'^" JaceJ Iiimself in readiness ^ ^' ^"^ eS^r R:/;r rs-re'rate'--^^ ^^ r'""^^" |R« , considerate and forbearinp- He was never married. L-eanng. ■» |l t s ARABELLA. ONE day, about fourteen years ago, I toldal woman that I loved her. " How do you account for it .?" said she. " You are so beautiful," said L " Beauty is only skin-deep," said she. " Deep enough for all practical purposes," said l| " Perhaps you are right," said she, " but doiV you love me for anything else .?" " For a variety of other things," said L— "Youi are so good." ''What led you to infer that .?" said she. '• Your beauty," said L " Beauty again," said she ;— "'tis but a fleetin?! shade." ^' "AH right," said I ;— " but it's very nice tol fleet along beside it." "Well," said she, "admitting that you have! accounted for your love, what leads you to be- lieve that you actually do love me ?" " Everything," said I ; " I breathe you in tliej you t "A thed tially "A nothii ' fool.' "F( "M "M "As " "As "Th "No "Cei have n that is and oth ARABELLA. ^ atmosphere.-r hear you i„ the warbling of bu:?pL?;;;::;re„ri:-'''^''e.--<..ea„ao; aad ttor-^r"' ^""'"^ °" ^^ - - arsenic " To me ? " said she. " To me," said I. Another thing," said r • << i i, nothing you sa^ n' ' ^^"^ "°"«'' **' 'fool.'" ^ ^ P""' "^^-fy -"e-call me " Fool," said she. " Madman." said I. " Madman," said she. , "Ass and slave," said I •'Ass and slave," .said she. Not to any great extent," said she. tertam y not " qaiH T • " j have noticed is that thl' I . '"°*"'' ""'"^ ^ that is at all in If T^ ^°"^ >'°" "*'« description. Try it,' 126 ARABELLA. and observe the effect ;— note the workings of my countenance ; say 'noble, true-hearted man.' " " Noble, true-he?,rted man," said she. " Beloved," said I. " Beloved," said she. " My own, own darling," said I. " My own, own darling," said she. . " Now then," said I, " did you observe my flushing cheek, my kindling eyes, and other little accessories .^" " I did," said she. " Well," said I, " wasn't it true to nature ? " " I fear it was," said she. " Then you believe I love you as much as I possibly can ? " "Yes," said she, '! indeed I do." "My own dear ! " said I ;— •• but enough of this foolery. We understand each other. How do you like it } But, of course, I have only given you a mere outline." " Well," said she, " I don't think we'll add any more to it." " Don't I love you ? " said I. "Certainly," said she, "but you have never | thought of enquiring whether I loved you." "A ridiculous oversight!" said I, "I didn't j inquire, as you say. Arabella, do you love me, my own darling } " ARABELLA. 127 ;■ Not in the very least," said she. My angel," said I, "you ama^P m» u , you account for it .? " y°" ^""^^^ me. How da ;' Your extreme youth," said she. ^■JcL't t; ;?u"fiitTa^" '-'"' ^°- now in the troublesome sfaje TteZ' ^°" ^ you have attain^rl ^ teething ; when / iidve attamed your majority, bv thi-i r^rU onmg, we shall be able to L,J , little chats toffether At /""^ P'^"^'^"' indiarubber rfJon „. .^'■""" ^ "•" ''"' «^ ^n little gums." ^ "^'"''' ^°" ^--^ -°^W"g your ^•Arabella," said I, " I believe there is a great deal^of common sense in that last remarfof "No doubt there is," said she- "pnrl ,v mm what you are abo^t, you Sl'by and 'y^et a httle common sence of your own " ^ ^ s..-.ht'c~u„'gr;t'i::,'- '^^'-t '° ^<='^ i-hie ^.- ^ ' ^^^ ^ts desperate hard work n m AN ARTICLE. NO. III. T MAY be stupid in my own little book, if I A like. This is my own little book. I feel stupid. Nobody need read this article. I'm not cheating anybody by putting it in. It won't be long. I can't make it long. But to r?turn. No- body knows what stupidity is. Sometimes it comes on you quite suddenly. Lots of people never know when they are stupid, because they have never been brilliant. I always know when I'm stupid. It doesn't .pain me. I am quite sensible alfthe time, only I can't think. It's no use trying a glass of brandy for it ;--I once tried it, but it only made me worse Perhaps there are some people who think this article brilliant ; if so, it will come in handy for| these people. And now I look over what I have written, it does look rather smart. I don't remeni- 'ber the name for this kind of smartness ; but 1 1 inotice that all the sentences are very short. They ■are not involved. You can't involve them much. But, reve7tons. SI' AN ARTICLE. I29> fII T r 7 '^' ^°^'^S°'"S sentences is French. I don't know French ; but I know several words that other authors who don't know French are m the habit of using. I know thes^ words, only I don't keep putting them in. I might often use the words ,'c/a^, and a la fourchette, and don'tT p ' t°P'^ ^'"='>'^ "" 'his when they don t know French, and then other people know U.at they don't know it. That is why I never us" French words. People wi'l then say " He had a thorough knowledge of French." For the same reason never put in any German words such as yavok, etc. And I never put in any Latin o Greek, or Sanscrit or Persian, or Arabic or He- Jn h u°"^ '', ^ ''°"'' P"' ^"y of these things : my book, people will think I am a linguist I ,k^ people to think I am a linguist. Of course, don tsay thatlam,buttl,at I may be for anything they know. All I say is that as soon as they se! a person constantly sticking in foreign words when his own language would do as well — I didn't finish the last sentence. Sometimes you msult the reader by making things too plain. Anybody could tell how I was going to finish that sentence, so I stopped. Sometimes you insult the reader by going on I r r-r '"°" *''^>' '■-'^ --hoi or when you finish. Feeline that T ( that point, I now stop. 'e ai ;■■ 1 ai- MEN WHO HAVE RISEN (BY ONF OF THEMSELVES). NINTH SERIES. T^HE pages of biography present us with few X names more note-worthy than that of Archi bald Cameron, or '• Wee Archie," as his mother used to term him when he was a baby. ^ His father was a common gentleman ; but had It not been for his having once, at a public meet- •ing, spoken slightingly of haggis, he would have 'been unanimously elected Laird for the ensuincr year. ^ "Wee Archie" was, from his very cradle, back- ward m everything except mental calculations and at the age of eighteen months, long before he could articulate the usual ^^ gah gah'' of infants .he could count fluently up to three millions six thousand and eighty. It is supposed to have been intuitive. He paid but little attention to his father and mother, probably because they were so easily counted ; but a large flock of sheep, or a hail- storm afforded him intense delight. ARCHIBALD CAMKRON. ,,, After having ascertained the names of the letters m the usual alphabet, and calculated, by pcrmu- tafon how many difTcrent ways they could be P aced m all possible groups of twos, threes, fours etc., he forgot their very names, and was never' known to refer to the subject again Being once asked by Herschel how many figs of negro-head tobacco would equal the bulk of the planet Jupiter, he gave the answer with great promptitude, and on verification it proved to be only a couple of figs out. When twenty years old he was induced to marry a M.ss Headrick ; but after having calcu- lated how many children he might reasonably expect m an average life, and how many descend- ants mrght proceed from them in ten thousand years he seemed to forget her very existence in a ir. '^°"J^^'"'-^'l by Babbage, tliat this eft thrh 7T,'" ''~""'' '"°'' ""^ '"^^t 'hat he left the bulk of h,s property to a favorite nephew As he grew older, ordinary social intercourse with hnn became almost impossible : to every TrtZ ''°"" ^'"^ ' ''''^"' ''""^ °^ ^^""''^ When asked to take another slice of mutton ne has been known to answer "Forty-eight million, nine thousand,"-num- bers probably referring to the cubic inches of 132 ARCHIBALD CAMERON. atmospheric air breatlied by an average sheep wuh average lungs during the period of an avef-' In lilce manner, the only term of endearment he "thirt'een H->r*° "" "''^ ^^''^ «-''->^) -s the.r possible descendants in ten thousand years After a pork supper he would move uneasily in nautical tables for computing longitude, etc which circumstance was often taken advantage of by^Thodper, the well known compiler of such It was not at all surprising that " Wee Archie " as h,s laother used to term him, caught a severe biliary calculus which at length pulled him down As he breathed his last, he pressed the hand of word? ^''^^' ^"'^ ^^''^'^ ^"^^y breathing the " Thirteen Billions" ge sheep, f an aver- arment he 'ick) was o refer to nd years, neasily in consecu- valuable Jde, etc., antage of ■ of such ■ Archie/' a severe im down, i hand of thing the I I. MEN WHO HAVE RISEN (BY ONE OF THEMSELVES). TENTH SERIES. ^HE name of Walter John Dobson will A occur, even to the most unreflecting, as that of a man who stands peerless in the production of all that is brutal and horrible, and at the same time perfectly idiotic, in the shape of novels. He has always enjoyed a wide popularity, as any man must who addresses himself to fools ; and great praise is due to Mr. Dobson for havincr' so sedulously cultivated a species of literature that supplies the intellectual and emotional wants of millions who would otherwise read nothing. As soon as he could read, he happened to fall m with a cupboardful of books belonging to the nurse; and he devoured "Roddibombo the Rover or. The Idiots of the Deep," « The Demon of Venice," " The Bravo of Milan," etc., etc., and the result was that his mind became inxbued with the spirit of these books to an alarming extent, so that although he was not natural iNr ,mV,-^,.. i,^ J 34 WALTER JOHN DOBSON. Hi hornble hmgs. As a writer he was always tryin. to convulse the company by producing a d d m sfakrhe"h'"''-r '"''''' ' =>"^' *- - mistake he has produced a great many He always has his rifle sighted for a thousand ya" to^make sure of hitting what lies within a hun' But the reader shall judge for himself At eight years of age he was sent to a board was going to dispose of her to some Moors for fifty ducats and a new whip; and he hadrt bee SIX weeks at the school before he attempted hire two of his little school-fellows, aTedSe tively seven and eight, to assassinate the second master, b ndino- crh ^f n, u ., , second .T,, u 1, " °* ^^^ bewildered little chaps by the most fearful oaths, to endure an amount of rack rather than betray ,tZ<2. . « - The plot came to nothinjr owfno- f^ Dobson's having soenf in l^ ^""""^^ 1 .,,. , *'^vjug spent in jam tarts tlip r%nr .hilhngs he had intended for the bravos entelfintr' r''°°'' ''''''" '" ^'' '^"'h year, he one Tf .r / *^^«^°"aWe correspondence v^ith aTthf e'n'd^ ofTetltrr'"!, '^ ^""^^ '^' in Italy. ^ "^ ' ^^^ ^^ ^ ^'^^^ quenc( of the In horribl ually 1 —a sn abduct But evidenc Out this gr some ti plot ; s ways ; ' in their Eastern people ] heir all interval; take a t Of th author 1 villains ; eight wi] isn't one Parts tendency all sorts ot Iways trying :«ng a dead I, there is no many. He usand yards thin a hun- ilf. to a board- ghtened his ieve that he • Moors for ladn't been tempted to g^ed respec- the second !ered little -ndure any liis accom- s. WALTER JOHN DOBSON. ,35 This infamous project fell through, in conse In his eighteenth year he began writing hombe stories for a family newspaper, and^rld a small affa.r, truly, with but two murders one abducfon and a common barn-door ghost evid:L:on,i:ge°nius."°^^' '' '''' ""'"'^^^^'^ thi?"l°/t *' "^"-'y-^'s''' P"-n'^ipal characters in th.s great work, twenty of them are disguised at some fme or other during the progress^ of the plot ; S.X are murdered in a pleasing variety of >vays four are troubled with cold metallic gleLs eastern Potentate ; three are false heirs ■ and people m visors are always stabbing at L rll tervlso;";'"' T ''"''■■ "^"^ ''^ '•--- -t ntervah. of fifteen chapters each, and finally things take a turn, and he comes out all right. ^ .nth I' V^'-'T^'ght only six are meant by the a hor to be fools, the rest are intended to be vmams; but it is certain that the whole tWrty 5 o^ htsT ^''^'' '' '-'' '^ -y -^'- -^° Parts of the book are not -if a 11 ^r tendenrv an^ ^1, f^ ^^^ at all of an immoral lenaency, and the episode of Reo-inoM a^ r- 136 WALTER JOHN DOBSON. may be cited as a very instructive little bit, show- ing so clearly as it does, what must be the fate of a man who tries to love two women at once, when he hadn't the common sense to love neither of them. Reginald at first fell in love with a woman of such exceeding beauty that he reeled like a drunken man the moment he set eyes on her, and swooned right off when she inadvertently smiled near him. He thought it was the salmon of which he had just partaken ; but noticing that always when he saw her, and when she smiled, he reeled and swooned respectively, he no longer sought to dis- guise from himself the fact that he loved Claribel, for that was her name. He followed her to Rome disguised as a cardinal; he'd have followed her to Queensland disguised as a new chum. In Rome he met another lady, who, when he saw her, made him reel further than Claribel did, and when she smiled he swooned perceptibly hard- er than when Claribel smiled,— or he thought so. He knew it wasn't salmon. He felt that it was love — for Beatrice. After pollgandering about after these two ladies till he has become but the shadow of his /ormei self, and after he has become nearly mad because WALTER JOHN DOBSON. ,3- U cannot determine which lady he loves best he Unaged m his disguise as a cardinal to heir the fetciTrihlltdt^.^^^^^^ Overjoyed at the thought of marrying both hese charmmg creatures in one, he strips off his »rdmals coat and things, and declaring that he ; the.r own Reginald, is about to shout to some nests to come and marry them at once ; when tlanbel mforms him that since it has come o that trtaTda T" ''^ ''''' '''' '^ -^"^ ^s sister lertalda who was sto'en by gipsies when a baby 1 1 need scarcely add that Reginald committed made the moment he heard it Dobson was a sensible man, and did not, lilce any geniuses, try to do too much :-he never ade all his characters disguise themselves, nor t them all be assassinated ; and the consequence the has a large family, (a son in the army, or near- fso) a regular income of a few adequate hun- peds, and millions of readers. ADVENTURES ON A STEAMBOAT. I ONCE went by steamer from Rockhampton to Brisbane. Matilda and little Tommy werj with me. Strange to say, we had a very vulga] man in the saloon. His name was Bofle. Hij wife was also very vulgar, and they had a littlj vulgar boy with them. At table Mr. Bofle informed us that the fat . pork when warm always turned his stomach ; bul ' that he could eat any amount of it when it ' wal cold, and more solider like. He gave us a lot . information about other things of the same kind We all gave him to understand that his littll paltry stomach was a matter of perfect indiffel ence to us ; but, as we didn't exactly swear him, he didn't understand us. His little boy shrieked inarticulately for moJ pickles, upset my beer, and scooped the jam o my plate. Had the journey been likely to last month, I should have assassinated the Httj boy. His mother would remark " Ah, Georg, that's naughty," Then the little boy would sa :amboat. lockhamptoi Tommy wen L very vulgai ; Bofle. H ' had a littl at the fat Jtomach ; bul w^hen it \va| ^e us a lot 2 same kim lat his littll 'feet indiffei :tly swear ?ly for moil the jam ol cely to last] d the littj Ah, Georg y would sa ADVENTURES ON A STEAMBOAT, ,3,^ 1" ^°" .^''"' "P" Then she and the father would go off mto guffaws oflaughter in whir r T, -St heartily have joine^d had t^c' been"? chance of Mr. Bofle's catching apopTe^ tithT On one occasion his little vulgar boy cktcheH lec?'it'!:L't"«'""''' "'"" ^^^^^-' °f U3 were on leek, I took Bofle on one side. " Sir," said I °t leheve you are a married man •■ ' "Any fool might know that by this time " said .e,;v,th what was meant to be an urbane smHe . Have.you any more boys like that'" Ten lu'red pointing to Georgy. ^"' • " Our only child," said he '•Just so," said I. " I sup I'a-id any amount of his little ways , .. ' -^ " '^*" Stand em; " exclaimed Bofle;-" Me and mv »ssus couldn't live without him " ^ " S'"g"Iar,' said I. " Well, look here -I I,nn. - won't think me at all u„feeling,-b;t iu as /-about the hot fat of pork, t foer'tra.d: Kbw^mt%ye:rb:rf'''"'^''°^^- ,« tj /. agrees, but for mv nart T ^Zr ^ '°" °' ^'^^ '^'^ cold-c'old, r. ' What do you mean ? " said he. * h 140 ADVENTURES ON A STEAMBOAT. " I mean," said I, "that if I couldn't bring up a boy to be something like a human being, 1 should prefer him dead." " I beg your pardon, sir," said he, " I thought at first you was alluding to my little boy. I believe you ; there's boys out ..i these colonies as bad as the wild blacks. You should hear my little Georgy say his catechism, and dog dog, and cat cat, and he's only jnst ^urned five ! " " But he's rather unruly," said I. " Oh, well," said Bofle, " boys will be boys, you know. We were boys ourselves once." There being no denying the truth of Mr. Bofle's last remark, I left him with a sigh, and went andj shut myself up in my cabin. It was evident tha Bofle couldn't understand how a man can be ver much annoyed and disgusted without either swear ing or offering to fight. And it was further evidcn that unless you said a thing right out, he couldn guess at your meaning. Now I got so thoroughl roused with the calm and peaceful vulgarity o this man, that I resolved he should understand m without the slightest chance of mistake, and the same time in such a manner that he couldn resent it. I hoped also to make a permanent i pression on him. As we were steaming across the Bay, I beggi Matilda to aid me in my scheme by just stoppi in the broughl I then Macullc • directio: his roon ed excit whom si [ "Has in a cho They seen him "Ther "My pc half an astern of it was jyoi During 'nouncem< I was see ito his m khe passei kail me sc DAT. t bring up a ng, 1 should "I thought tie boy. I colonies as Id hear my dog dog, d five ! " 3e boys, you >> f Mr. Bofle's d went and evident tha can be ver either swear 'ther evidcii , he couldn D thorough! vulgarity o [derstand m :ake, and he couldn rmanent i ADVENTURISS ON A STEAMBOAT. 141 in the cabin for five or ten minutes or so till I brought our little gentlemanly boy bTckVi! I then took the boy and left Wm uLe irl of Macu loch, an engineer whom I knew well with directions that he shnnM u^ u- ' ^^" his room till I cal ef fo" him :L?r iT^'^' '" ed excitedly into a ^m„n r^ *'" '"'"'- whom stoo^Bot LfZ'J^l '''''"'''-' --^ in;sroi:7v:,"r""'"^""'^'^°>'-'"^-'i-d seitLttrtimr- -' -'^ '^^- '-"•' "Then he is drowned f" C3t•^^ T <. " My poor de.r T ' ' ^"'"'"^ ^^ ^^^e- my poor dear Tommy is drowned ! About half an hour ago I noticed a little bov flnlr astern of us but I didn't say anig^Ttho^^^^^^ It was jCOT/^ little boy, sir r ^ nought During the confusion that followed on this an ouncement, I darted away, and in another rn^tj was seen beanng my little gentlemanly boy back h.s mother, amid the uproarious laughter of i O' H'- MEiM WHO HAVE RISEN (BY ONE OF THEMSELVES). ELEVENTH SERIES WERE it not that the wretch, whose life intend briefly to set before myself, wa an Irishman, I should certainly not sully tli pages of my own little book with even an allusio to him ; but being the only Irish miser on record| I am bound to notice him. Patrick McFudh, or, " Poor Paddy McFud Esquire," as he used afterwards to call himse! lived with his widowed mother at his manor, neaj the town of Clonboggarty. He was notoriou for open-handed, — nay, profuse generosity, an his mansion was the centre of the most charmiii society in Ireland, but through a blow on th head which he received while fox-hunting, 1; became a miser on the spot. He began by discharging all servants, selli all horses, hounds, books, pictures, plate, furnl ture, and clothes, blocking up all the windo and sending his aged mother to her relatio swathed round with old newspapers. He al he mos lEIwes, a |Fudh, w< He mi if pound ince his las been n coppei as foun In digginj *'as only bsh. On one lim 'or t] ig the si imusemer Hieir half [our penc( )argain w ^'ould let face with •^ed sum. He only nd never The foil 'uthentic, ""esent wr fnows well PA'IRICK M'FUDII. 145 (BY ONEj whose life myself, \n. ot sully th n an allusio: er on record] dy McFud call himse' manor, neal as notorioul lerosity, am Dst charmiiij )lovv on th -hunting, iJ He afterwards rose by degrees till he becan,e he most consummate miser that ever died I'Jwes, and Daniel Dancer, compared with Mc udh, were wanto.. prodigals. ,f H^ "!,"" [""" ~"^^^'^'' ''"ndreds of thousands 'f pounds; but though several years have elapsed »nce h,s death, and though the strictest sea ch as been made, nothing but one and sevenpence ™ coppers has yet been discovered, and as th.s as found ten feet bel.w the surface of th soi d.ggmg a well, we must conclude 'that this te only a temporary hiding-place for his beloved On one occasion a small gang of burglars fried ' th. u " ^''"'°"' succeeding in extort- 'g the smallest coin from him; and a common imuseme.t of the boys in town was to cirun Je,r half-pennies till they had raised thrle Z «ur pence, and taking McFudh into a wood arga.n with him as to the number of hours he e wS :T'' "" ''""""'■ "^^"-^d -l'™' the »ce wuh stakes, and otherwi.se mauled, for a «ed sum. ' He only stipulated on being paid in advance, ind never refused a reasonable offer The following anecdote may be relied on as "thenfc, havmg been communicated to the iresent writer ^m"=»!A 1-.. ^ flows well. ^ ^"''"' """""^ '^^ •f rl Ji:j 144 PATRICK M'FUDH. McFudh never did spend a single farthing b any chance, and everybody in Clonboggart knew it ; but so amusingly ingenious were th means by which he would try to obtain th smallest favour for nothing, that many person who thoroughly detested him, and saw througi all his dodges, often let him have what he ha laboured so hard to obtain. The story shall be given as nearly as possibi in the exact words of the pastry-cook : — Ould Paddy McFudh, the waggybone, used t live on nothin but the pure starvation itself, wi now and then a cowld putatee, arr the likes oj that. Howaniver, to make a long story short, one day passed my shop, and he remarrcked stale mutton pie that had been stickin' in t windy for about a fortnight. " Save you kindly, sorr," says McFudd steppi into the shop ; "and what's the pric( of your tu penny pies > " " Tuppence," says I, " and may the blue Pet choke you," says I. " Arr they raly as high as that > " says he. " They arr, then," says I. •• Cuddn't yez make a reduction for a cow one > " says Paddy. " Well, give me the penny half-penny," says So wid that he shticks his hand up his bac and d( of hole pennies "I c day; b morrow I'm an on othe two hall "Wei nies, anc So he one by c see it wa "One you ! A sivin yea; ' " Oh, , 'ntirely I broke my you my h like to t icripple." And wi( |cryin as if " Here's '''and you So he t PATRICK M'fudh. , .5 and down his throusers, and in and out ov a lot t^: ;■" '' -^"^^^' '° -pe up t.: hi! I can't raise the ranJfni " „« i ,. on other people's kindneir at iJofr ""''?' two halfpennies for it. andVew"'''^^^"""''^ niesll'l-r' '■ "'''"' "^'^'-'he two half-pen- nies, and 1 11 g,ve you the pie," says I i>o he comminced countin out tho Imlf " One of thim is bad," sav<; r " k, j you! And af you utter it on '"■^" *° Isivin year to you"" °" '"-^' ^°™'^'-' "'" ^e l'"t'irSy ram*"'!""''-'" "^^ ''^' "'''^ -'-d you my last half-penny butTre K ! '° °""'='" like to take the las^' h.ic ' "°''°'ly ^0"W |:ripple." half-penny of an ould kt"as?hf' ''r *r ^ ^°""'' '° '-^' the shop. " He e' the"'' '"'■'^^"^"" -'^ starvation. '^ Heres the pie, you dirty blagyard • " savs T 'and you can kape your half-penny " ^ ' I So he twists the pie out of „,e hould wid his 3:4 J I 4 'I 146 PATRICK M FUDH. both hands, and I laughed to think how he'd come rcund me wid his ways; and what does he do whin he sees a smile on me, but he axes me would I warm the pie up for him, " for," says he, " it's a bitter cowld day, and I'm an ould man." " Ov coorse I'll do that same," says I, " not a haporth that '11 be out ov my pocket." So I takes the pie into the kitchen, and shoves it into the oven, and while it was warming I sends the gossoon round to the pottecary for sixpen- north of' croton oil, the best superior, and I lifts up the lid ov the pie, and drops the croton down into the middle of the mutton, and I gives thej pie to Paddy. Well, when the desavin ould wretch gets outj wid his pie, he sees a poor beggar-woman wid a, child at the breast. So he consales himself be- hind a hedge, and when he'd sucked ivry bit ov mutton out ov the pie, he shticks the lid on again, and follies the beggar-woman up, and sells her] the empty pie for a halfpenny. Well, next door to that was a shebeen shopj where he used sometimes to go for a glass, and letl a butcher that lived convanient give him a black] eye for it. The butcher he runs over as usual,! and hits Paddy a black eye, and gives him mouthful ov the rale stuff, whin the crotoni begins to work. I'm tould it was as good as PATRICK M'fUDH. w he'd come does he do es me would s he, " it's a n. s I, " not a and shoves ling I sends for sixpen-, and I lifts! roton down I gives the! :ch gets out )man wid a I himself be- ivry bit ovl id on again, id sells herl 147 veddm to see him rowlin about and yellin The ong and short ov it was that the polls nailed lim for assaultin them in the discharge ov their iuty, and he got a month in jail for that, and for lavm a pain in his shtomick in the public streets * * * * * ■ Such is the pastry-cook's story, and yet, so ^trange a bemg is man, that, in all likelihood, poor Paddy McFudh, Esquire, of Clonboggarty, enjoy- ed Ins life as much as most people. He died in the act of masticating the stump of wax vesta that he had picked up in the street n person he was of a middle stature, and had ight hair. ebeen shop,! lass, and let! im a black! T as usual,! tves him the crotoni s good as 1 \ MISS BINGO. /^NE day Dick Fulgin told me in my studio ^^^ that he was in love with Lotty Bingo. '' And I'm in love with Miss Bingo," said I. " I suppose we'll be brothers-in-law," said he. " I see no way out of it," said I. " Odd-isn't it > " said he. "Very," said I, "but what can we do > " " Nothing that I see," said he. " Oh, can't we though ! " said I. " We can speak I to them and tell them." " I've done that," said he. "To be candid with you," said I, " I've got as I far as that myself." " I've given her my photograph," said he. "So have I," said I,—" fourteen— gave her ten yesterday." "Fourteen!" said Fulgin, " I only gave Lotty one." ^ ' "Quite sufficient for her daily requirements,"! said I. "But Miss Bingo is different ; she's a good deal older, and not so easily impressed." MISS BINGO, 149 my studio 3ingo. ' said I. ," said he. ).'' ?" e can speak i . ve got as 'Well but," said he. " I should think that one photograph would do as well as fifty " "Yes," said I;" but they are all different, ere is the series." "Number one shows me down to my waistcoat »clcet-full face-dreamy look about the eyes- lump of softness expanded to its utmost limits." Number two exhibits me in a riding-whip- Jl-length portrait-not so intellectual-wisp of |a.r coquettishly jutting frto right eye " "Number three repr. . -, me standing against nchly carved pillar-end of white handkerchief igemously contrived so as just to bud out of east pocket-right leg carelessly thrown over ft knee-urbane and slightly cocky expression- ^countenance." ^ ,- t "Number four. The humourist-ends of a ;nia smile perceptible at corners of mouth- ghtly sarcastic twist of one eye-gentleman's 'at, and linen to match." " Number five. Side view-sedate look, like a h going to build a bridge-protuberant mous- Iche-bump of self-esteem carefully brushed *n so as to be almost imperceptible-very ikmg profile." ' "Number six. Back view-exhibits the ar- igement of my raven tresses-ends of mous- :ne well brought out ron^M-^r—" • ■•■ 1! «l ISO MISS BINGO. " Number seven. Smoking a short pipe, in mylplethoi shirt-sleeves- one hand on a book— desired tolsofth show what sort of expression my face wears whenll regioi quite off my guard, in the privacy of my o\vn|d veget humpy. Good-natured look all over. This is i great success." "Number eight. The perfect gentleman black suit exhibiting large creases from haviii been long folded, so as to show that you real! itiety or f'Numb sitting led to far; but are rigged out in your very best— stiff loo]ltuck in about the. legs— photographic smile well brougliit— soles out— hair very flat— ears apparently erected. M'Numbe solemn and a touching spectacle." Inking oj " Number nine. Victor Emmanuel— volunteei anywhe uniform— officer— great determination without 1' Will yc particle of humility— look as if superior officerlfein. had just been saluting me— breast very massiv J' Certain with lots of room on it for medals, ribbons Vi*— you toria crosses, and little luxuries of that kind. Jhing,— I very telling photograph with women." ioh, I d< " Number ten. Writing a poem— eyes lookinfThen ar forward into the future-general rapt expressioft I took of a man seeking a rhyme for step. A beautifil face to ^^"^>^-" Itrait. H " Number eleven. Legs as far as waistcoat-S Oh, pret exhibiting muscles of the calf- trousers verfThen ag tight at the back." |ks to do " Number twelve. After dinner— general Ioo|ns handy. MISS BINGO. iSr r. This is gentleman from bavin at you reall t — stiff loo rt p,pe, ,„ n,y|pletI,ora-Ieani„g back in chair with eipht but- -des.red to|s of the waistcoat open-linen over therbdom- a wears whenll region appears to throb with suppressed meat of my owni vegetables-lethargic droop in the hands- tiety on a monument smiling at beef" Number thirteen. A failure-front view of t s.tt,„g w,th my feet on the table-face sup- ped to have an American expression and a .r ; but .ng of nothing, with no expression broug ^ •l-voluntee| anywhere— coloured photo-very fine " n without f Will you do fourteen of me like that >•■ said snor officerBgin- ery massivl Certainly," said I ; " but it will come expen- •ibbons, V,*,-you must remember that it costs me at kind. #hmg,— I took them all myself." ' iOh, I don't mind the expense,'' said Fulgin .yes look,, I Then again," said I, "you must bear in mind . express,o|t I took great pains to get the expression of A beaut,fl face to match with the leading idea in each trait. How are you off for expressions.?" ■ Oh, pretty fair," said Fulgin Tl,e„ again.'' said I, " they will take many , , K7u J°' ""'^==. y°"'ve got all your expres- feneral loofs handy Why I was days and days hefo; waistcoat ousers ver 15^ MISS BINGO. I could tone down to the man going to build bridge; and I thought I was never going to ' this perfect gentleman-this touching spectac ll:V'^ T '^' ' ''^^'^ -^^ combined V mdigestion ; I at once borrowed a suit of bo c othes, flattened down my hair and there I a 1( Miss Bingo had been ten years younr^er needn't have tried this photo at all " ^ ;; I'd try anything for Lotty Bingo." said Fulgi hard tn'T'' ''^'^ ^ ' '^ but you'll still find that in nu^l'"".' '"^^" Photographs. I adn. and h. T V ''"'" ^°" ""''^y ''' ^ fl<^wer-va and he soles of my feet ; but in number ele -en it JT ^°"^^^--^- -to the calves of. legs, and It required an effort, I can tell you J done'for ;-'"^'""' ^"^'°'>^ ^^^^ ^'^ th tZoXl"'"^ ''-''' ^- ~. barn-do, what Miss Bmgo thinks of yours " uVru ^ ^^y ""' ^"^^ ^ ^^"ed <^n her. mJli^^'T ''i"' "' "^ •" ^^^'^ ^^ the n, ttday ' ''"" '' '^"' ^'' ^^^ ^'^y ^'^ that I can hardly be certain which is you. I w, very much struck with two of them " ^\\l7^''l '^' ^^"^' deception," said I ; " they' all me, and we're all devoted to your .Ln^J "Yc md yc "Mi iucceec »f plea lake a fxclaim " Mr. fo have , "Of mbitior lost, ar iw^r " I dec " Mar3 >vo favo 'som of " Well, ith the lat show 'tween t; " Then ►w can I out as t ■I m su "Andm inied, ' 'ins as I lyself!" oing to build 2r going to g( ■hing spectacl combined witj a suit of bo md there I a ars younger MISS BINGO. ^53 3," said Fulgi J'n still find iphs. I adm e a flower-va mber ele -en le calves of m ,tell you. Lild have th >ii barn-do wait and S( id I, the m( IS very wan " You told me thai- ft,« 'nd your thirteen brothe s ^ f .P;«ented yourself "Miss Bingo/' sart^rlt'""'/- iicceed, and therefore T f. t '^^te'-mwed' to 'f P'easing charaJ:" so tW ^I'" * ^^*'^ 'ake an impression on yo" '!";"'" ''°"'* i^'ata, .Ifs„,e! It's myself r°'''""'"P''^""y Mr. Doles," said she " I , have deceptions of thi.'i • !, "°' ^""s'omed , "Of courL^t? ;rd'r-!:r''^'T"'"^'' l-bition. But do say which two st3. '"'^''^ nost, and I'll be thnc^ f [ ^'^ >'^" the ^.^^ „ be those two characters as long as " I decline to point out the twn " -^ r " Mary-Miss Bingo, 1^1 T ''" >v'o favoured ones and niT /~~'^°''^ '"^ ^^e weli, said shp " t ith the one reprel^ntin. ^^''^^^^'y struck- - shows the soLs:;;?uf;:eVs^"'-t °"^ ■tween them." ^^'^^ ^ Pickle-jar out as theyTre hTre ""^ "'^" " ^^■^^^^^>' ^^-'n- ;; I'm sure 7 don't know," said she. . ^"d my Utile offering comes to thf. f" t aimed, " Never hjh \ . ^ ' ^ ^x- [;__ , ^^^"^ ^'<^ Photoofraoher fa I.. .,._, "^ as 1 did with th lyself!" K *J ese ; and I took them all: 154 MISS BIxVGO. "Then," said she, "will you do me the favoi of taking them all yourself once more ?"• " Willingly—joyfully !" said I. She handed me the packet, the whole fourteej and her meaning dawned gradually upon me. took them again myself, and departed from h( presence — a withered gazelle. Dick Fulgin married Lotty Bingo ; but, alaj I never obtained the privilege of applying to hii the fond name of " brother-in-law." me the favoi Dre ?" vhole fourteel pTCT- a xr^ y upon me. I ^^ ^^° PROGRESS OF OPTICS. arted from hr I own little book I like to L^ ?' '" Mt^rapnies oi great men, too-ether w,-fi, v^u^ Una .01;^:- ^^^^^^^^^^^^ „r r u ^'''■^^'^ °" 'he coast of Bohemia t '^^*''^7''°" °f wood, made their fire o^he ishore w,th some common seaweed. Of course conemian Glass, since then become <;n H» -dly popular ; it was the little point the .ra>: sand on which the grand science of A . ^ lerwards built. "° science of Optics was [One of the first things the Chinese invented k before porcelain, or ploughing, or thlcl .s. was spectacles. Their.written characte for" '.e being compounded of two signs, ^ ,nfer s line a persor foscope \{ Issed. If rst-class s ise my igj ive any « M he hac the best lightn't pel (stinctly ; |ough for a 'fer didn't "TSE AND PROGRESS OF OPTICS. ,57 falling them everywhere ' '"^ P'°P'^ ^'^"■^ fhe effect ofhav'g t rT^ om' k"'^'" "'■" ^°- box with only one anertul r ^^^ ''"" "? ■" (. is. of course that thT K *''" *"^ ^^^ in ok solid. Ifs v*y prX. '"'' '■" ''^ P'^'"'^ C^y/i/h'otr''^ ^'^^^-'^^ -^"^ this »t to shopmen '''°"" "^^" '^"^ ^hop [Next came that ingenious little inventinn f Img various things of an optical tendl^v Z fcectroscope. When people'want to see S„ fc; r w^ftotl^' *T ^\^ -r-'^^' Ncopelf; aJriyTsh^^^^^^^ e my .gnorance, I'd ask him if he happened To k any spongy platinum about him anrltfl! id he hadn't, I'd say 'All riltfr: ^^ thebestwecanw^hi;XCi:«nn fsrinctly; but thev wnnM i.^ _..-. ,. ,. -^ for all ordinary purposes. Perhaps, Fraun^ dnt see them himself first time he tried iil IJS RISE AND PROGRESS OF OPTICS. I could write a great deal more about the sped roscopc , b„t I refrain, believing that haWn ' touched on the leading d.scoveries in Optic? have met all the requirements of this unpretend jng gossiping little sketch. "^ ' o N lady r IP^acc a< "Goc " Mor " How " WeJJ [to-day." " Gooc |biograph; disappear " Good Nee ?" . "The p >ut the r f?ain at m After br ^nmary Sc [0 play in t p^e, and JOHNSON ALL OVER. /^NK morn I np J ' ''^'^^'^-d orders '-''^'eftMat;,drircr.°^''-e. ^"g" at the !■ mII baby': i6o JOHNSON .ALL OVER. vaccination. On arriving at my shop in Brisbane, ■ a . I found Peter Flap conversing with two ladies, I studv who were waiting to be photographed. Business I Jap-p- brisk all day. Lunched at Bobby Scammony's. Iguc]^ As I was riding home in the evening, I observed 1 1>^ myself becoming unreasonably intellectual andl^f ^ preternaturally acute, uttering a succession ofljf^p. aphorisms, laconisms, repartees, etc., about any-l u^- thing I happened to see or think of; such as al^e ^ quarry, life, death, a man trying to catch a pig.l ^^y^, love, genius, elective affinity, a deserted wheel-l ^'pp,. barrow with a cat rubbing against one of its l^g^Jshortha two horses, one of them hobbled, a man that! "J3„(. overtook me, a man whom I overtook, etc., etc. m nieani On getting home at sundown, I observed Johrl^ork 1 Jagg still digging in the garden. |on, y^^ "Jagg," said I, "we'll have no more worlJ^Qi^jg . to-day ; get your supper as soon as you possibl can ; I want you in the study." "Is anything up?" he asked, slowly applyin his hands to the small of his back. " Yes," said I, pointing to my head ; " intellec. and I don't know ^ow long it may last. Yo should have been with me an hour ago !" " It's ten thousanc pities I wasn't," said Jagg. "Perhaps not so many as that," said I ; but can't be helped now; we must just jot dow| what's left." Johns( " Well, ngiand ; " Possifc ^^ty in rr ys some " Weil, s '^somethii "Sir," I bbler er terwarHc se.' . „.u I J°«'>'SO>f ALL OVER I in Brisbane, I ^*. I n '^^ h two ladies, I stM^,, ""^^ ,''• J^^g" and I were too-.f k • 'd Business I r ^' ^""^ ^^^ ^oor locked w ^°^^^^^^ ^n the ^. Business I j^^.^ ^^ of fn , ^^ ^°°^ ^"r seats Scammony s. I ^.ek to a lead p nc i : ?"' ^^^^ - prelimina J' -, I observed 1 1'^ ,^ "^ Penc J, and remarked, "Now J illectual andlof ml' "^"'^ ^^^d it 'Mr Dni' ' ' ''"' uccession ofir ^"""^^^^^tion, etc.' Hav^ , ^'' P^^^^-s uccesson o| ling remark handy sirP"^ ^°" ^"^^ ^'""^^ start- , about any- ■ "gj^M •_, t ^•^' • f ; such as afhe beg-anTrnKM-'^^'^ '^ "'^""^ ^"mbup-o-fno- •" . . catch a pi J «vrdLt':?,r;v'"^''°«''-' erted wheel-l << Certain.; -' said f^"' '"^ >-" •'" said I ,e of >ts legslhonhand." '"'"' "'t doesn't talce lonA a man that! "^gyj." ., ^ .served Joh|,ork. If yo„ .^J^ ^^^So.ng the right way to' h". you n^ust have „1 7'" ' ^''^^ "^ John- more wor|;oy,„,,, ^_. 3„Xdv 'r ""' ^°^"'^i or Kou possiblJo Johnson first a^d t. J' T ''^' '^'^ something , , . I" Weil," said }a " '!Tn "^"^'' ' S"' -<='"" • IT I '^*^^^'» sir, said Ttott uj . ^ said Jagg, i something hot wo f|' 1°" ' ^°" """k a drop id I ; buta^CjVMp ° vvuuia — um — er— eh «iV ?•» . , ■ ^^> ^ replied "T ou II <=", sir.-* t jot dowibbler ere ^e pl^t but:"'.""^^ ^'^^ >^- ^ iterwarHc b...^, ' ^"'"^"^ss first and h.o.^.. B — •" -^uLtnatdown Nn«,o """-^ JMow say something l! 1 62 JOHNSON ALL OVER. "Well, — urn — " said Jagg,^" pretty cold to-| "W night." r'lcan " Sir," I replied,, " 'tis rather chilly ; but we Iwill elii have a fire. Sir, the man who doesn't know howl "We to warm himself at a fire, is a fool. Go on, Jagg llnight, i this is more like the thing ; but don't let it flag ;l «« Ycj keep it up." "Don't you think," said Jagg, "that we getj very bad becjf from the butcher ? The steaks ar very tough." " Sir," said I, " they are, — horrid tough ; bu he sends us pretty fair pieces of corned beef. Don't put that down ; the humor in it is of a ver subtle nature. Try again ; think of somethin else — something about human nature.' "Don't you think " — began Jagg, — " I mean, poor Bridget's face is a fearful sight with mosquit bites." 'of bran "Ah, r two ( now it' f youn "Jagg he tide o ebb b( hat ren n avera^ feel as Poor J "Sir," I replied, "T would be loath to spealorry for harshly of the mcsqui^^oes, for 'tis their nature toiruga] con and it's also the nature of new chums to swel Xwo rr very much. Now then, Jagg, go on, deeper thigain ; an time." Iig on, I " I can't," said he, in a despondent tone. Ind pen i " Sir," said I, " the man who says he carl^e ^ juc should be — got that down .'' " loth quest "Yes," said Jagg, reading from his foolscap, If hours I * The man who says 'he can't,' should be' — §ith myscj ii;i tty cold to- • JOHNSON ALL OVER. ill: 163 \y ; but we t know how ro on» Jagg ; [ let it flag ; hat we ge 10 steaks ar tough ; bu ;orned beef is of a ver ' something ;> -" I mean, th mosquiti ath to speal ir nature to| ms to swe! deeper thi tone. ,ys he car "Well, draw vour npn^n fU , . " I can't go on i^ th ^ wTv T°"^^ "'" ''^'^ ^■ will elicit my powers of^.' ^^ .^"""^ Aing that " Wfll Q' ^ ^'^ °^ conversation." Inight, isn't il'-.^'^'-^P'^"'"'^' beautiful fine \>fpn6y:-'' ''-"''' ''^''- I'" get you a glass ''All," said Jagg, "there's nothing lit. , '• two of brandy for rousin<. ,m k? '^ "'^ Now it's in you I F,n ^ ^ " biography. I k yours ! " • "' P°'™ "«' ' Montezuma ' "Jagg," said I mournfuJIv " ^r^ ,, , ■he tide at its flood ^ i ^'. ^ " "^^"^^"^ ^^^^ oebhheforelXd.lrthe's'lS^'^^^"" vhat remarks I might have L? knowmg n average Boswelf Goo"nTi? T '''"' ^^''^ f-' n, I did to-day, I'il b^^ owrBrw" r"" ^ Po" Jagg swallowed his brandv 1 . ^ orry for what h^ u.^ j orandy, looked very Kal cou'h '°"^' ^"'^ -"ght his little Two months elapsed before I felt ,oh„. t'ln TruTTr-'^-'^^^^' thltttatk'cr Ind pe'n in hil 1° ""^ ''"'^' ''"'^''' ^e door bth question and answer to paper T"™'"'"^ f hours I had h.H ..! . .fP."'- ^" ^ <=°"Ple 'ith myself nut^lZ ■ "7 '"''"*">S conversation yseil, puttmg m Jagg as my interlocutor 164 JOHNSON ALL OVER. I also arranged each question and answer numer- ically, so as to give the whole a more aphoristic and gem-like appearance. I. Jagg. — Sometimes I wish I had never been bc.'-n. Doles. — Even then you wouldn't be contented • you'd be wishing you had been born. II. Jagg. — What io the best cure for a fool's love ? Doles. — Itself You might as well ask wha would make a man stop drinking warm wate with a little mustard in it. III. D0LES.~01d Brown is dead at last. Jagg. — Poor fellow ! Doles. — I am sorry you don't believe me. IV. Doles — Are you aware that a man never hie cups when he is asleep } Jagg. — No ; are you } Doles.— Well, no; but if you hadn't ha pened to ask me, you might have thought me jnan of much curious information. V. Jagg. — I envy that man ; — he has made h fortune. Doles. — I envy him not, for his fortune is Ihat makes him. Jagg.- things dc Doles 'ther per Jagg.- DoLES. Jagg.— Doles.- erest rue OSS i.s no here are r nd there j Iness tha Jagg.—'! Doles.- JOHNSON ALL OVER. VI. 165 JAGG.-How is it you can't play chess > Ithe mo'sr^^'^" enough ;^it's by not knowing VII. D0LES.-With the best of men, hTe is a contin- led recovery. Jagg.— From what > ' Doles.— From hving-. VIII. JAGG.-I Should like to hve in a world where fhings don't depend upon circumstances I DOLES.-In other words, you would like some )ther person to be born instead of you IX. Jagg.— Give me some good advice. Doles.— Ask for it as seldom as possible X. Jagg.— A rolling stone gathers no moss. DOLES.-He who said it first was devoid of the lerest rudiments of common sense; for gatherinp- loss IS not the end and aim of a stone's existence here are no stones that have a habit of rollinc. •' nd tnere are millions of stones in positions of usV ••ilness that still gather no moss. XI. Jagg.— What is love ? Doles.— An awaking, a dream, and an awaking. !i;i 1 66 JOHNSON ALL OVER. Jagg.~No more ? Doles.— Not till next time. Jagg.— Have you no other dei/iiition > Doles.— A spark, a fire, a ruin. J^^^~ "^^^s is a definition of lust, confine youj ■self to definitions of hjve. Doles.— 71ie ht^lnnlng of v/lsdom, the contin nance of happiness, and the consummation ofal things. ' XII. Jagg. — I often loathe work. Doles.— Sir, 'tis a sign that you still oftene ioa'he idleness. XIII. Jagg. -What's the best fun you ever had > Doles.— Being with a wise man when he's plav ang the fool. Jagg.— And the next best > Doles.— Being with a fool when he's playin the wise man. XIV. Jagg. — How do you define rime ? Doles.— As something we know to have a end ; but which we use as though it had none. Jagg.— And eternity > Doles.— As something: 'e know to have end ; but which we treat as though it would havt;^ no beginning. Jag love. Do] rt'eat Jag( have 1 ii»i It is r I soul. Dol "eading leaves ( fool. ' don't k are alv turned Doli side of the othe Jagg. how the ^ole rain do Jagg.- vtuion fr( )n onfineyouj-l great m?. JOHNSON ALL OVER. XV. Jagg.— I think I know a woman whom Doles, -Then you either know love 167 I could ny very few, or a , the contin lation ofal XVI. I still oftener rhad > n he's play^ le's playing :o have ai d none. o have vould hay| JAGG.-Had I been allowed to be rich, I should have been found the patron of struggling merit. I Lr ^''''"''^ '^''' ^''' ''""''^ the growth of my D0LES.---Sir, a country bumpkin saw a student eadmg a book, and observing that he turned the leaves over from left to right, put him down as a lool The student was reading Arabic. We, who don t know what language our souls have to learn are always exclaiming, "The leaves are bein^' turned the wrong way !" XVII. Doles -It is certain that the functions of one side of the brain are not identical with those of tne other. JAGG.-Then one half of the brain doesn't know how the other half lives. ^OLES.-It were juster to say that the whole »ain doesn t know how any part of it lives XVIII. jAGG.— When a woman is bearing a loner ..rja <^^uon from her lover, how can she comfort herself > 1 68 JOHNSON ALL OVER. DOLES.—By looking into the mirror, and reflect- ing that she sees what her lover likes best to look upon. Jagg. — And how if she be ugly > Doles. — Let her commend his love. Jagg.— And if she be pretty .? Doles.— She can commend his good taste XIX. Jagg.— Do you not think that the bulk of man- kind are unhappy because they are really incap- able of happiness ? Doles.— I do think so; but there is still a higher class of men who are unhappy because they really are capable of great happiness XX. Jagg.— Exaggeration is the thief of wit. Doles.— Yes, when it's not the wit itself. XXI. Jagg.— Have you remarked that Mr. Wossle can never bear the least joke of any kind > DOLES.-I have. Some men have pampered their consciences to such an extent, that a little innocent fun disagrees with them, and causes a flatulence, for which I could not think of censur- ing them, did they not always try to make us accept that flatulence as the utterance of wisdom XXII. educate then Doi the pe big ho Jagc self wi DOL shovel Jagg DOL] rabbit s its tail ( Jagg Dole the burr It stri biograpl of the Si hand at eliciting turn ove thing bu as well. the fit cc people into the light. let us bring the JOHNSON ALL OVER. 169 Doles.— By jingo, sir, if you don't do it soon, the people will let in the light through an awful big hole somewhere ? XXIII. Jagg. — Why do you never try to enliven your- self with grog ? Doles.— For the same reason that people don't shovel sulphur down an active volcano. XXIV. Jagg. — Define man. Doles. — An animal in the world very like a rabbit sitting at the mouth of its burrow with only its tail out. Jagg. — And woman ? Doles.— A smaller rabbit at the darker' end of the burrow. ^ It strikes me that these will look first-rate in my biography, and Jagg, to whom I showed them, is of the same opinion. John Jagg is an excellent hand at turning up the soil with a spade, and eliciting potatoes; but he doesn't know how to. turn over the soil of rny mind so as to elicit any- thing but what he could elicit- jm his own mind: as well. I shall certainly do some more of it whea the fit comes on again. i i!!irl CONCIUDING ARTICLE. Vy HEN a man is writing a little book for » * himself, he can stop it ^vhen he likes. It is very n,ce to feel'this. Ulnatured persor., may ask why I stop. I stop because of an immutable aw. I hke stopping because of immutable laws When I started, I resolved to keep on till I con- sidered I had written a little book. I now con sider I have written a little book. Hence I stop. If I have at all risen to be what I am, it ; through ^Iways going on till I co Ider ,t ab.ut a fair thing. Now that my little book is -;, ished, I am quite :at liberty to say what I think about it It J. a great success. I have been much pleased .ith it Many and many an evening has it k^ , ■ from wntmg complicated plays, ve. y fine en Odes on Solitude, Lay Sermons, etc. I cannot deny that I have vead some of my Lay Sermons with great pleasure ; but I often find such a ludicrous discrepancy between what I tell others to do and nij..wxi uy m taQ d jsom of my own family, id evei Lay Sen |re bett( lemselv .ay Sen lan's au l^as eqna England. man-' i'orc a lit ICCOUii. I repea ill the ti [ul calm ; heroes to Ingering lied unpe little fooli [tudy. .H.forc ] ^xpre.s n fo'- the m luring 'h( 10 ,es ou1 [hrough tl ibly whil( md on t folding t CONCLUIMNC ARTlCt-K. 171 book for es. It is > may ask nmutable ble laws. II I con- »ow con e I stop, through ut a fair ^m quite It is a vith it. - from is. Odes ot deny ns with jdicrous do and family, d everywhere else, that I have concluded to let ay Sermons be written by men who either really !re better than the rest of us, or who imagine emselves to be so. I fear I shall not write a ay Sermon for some time to come ; though a an's aunt once said that one of my Lay Sei ions as equal to some she had heard at church in ngland. Very gratifying, of course ; but, alas ! Ihe man's aunt didn't know me, and her nephew ,'ore a little spotted coat. You find a detailed ccouii. of it in this /olume. But to return. I repeat that this : ok has been a great success. Ul the time 1 was writi g it, I enjoyed a delight- ul calm ; 1 had no plots to thicken, no wooden eroes to reward. I have 1 no sickly '• Lines " ngering for weeks on my desk, till they at last ied unperceived by me, and poisoned with their |ittle foolish carcases the moral atmosphere of my tudy. H jforc finally closing this book I should like to ixprt-.,; my thanks to Matilda and the children r '- the material assistance they have afforded me ufing he compilation of it ; for in our wooden o >es out here, one can hear any little noise all :hrough the building, and T can't write comfort- bly while Tommy and Georgy are fighting off nd on throughout the evening, and Matilda colding them. During the whole two months li 172 CONCLUDING ARTICLE. that I have been writing this Uttle book, the twj I can't boys have been very good ;-Lucy, of eourse. L that needn t thank, for she is always good • but ml best thanks arc due to our ba^'for hav n^afcCi ast h,t upon some mode of silent dentition^ fpLtn don t know how he does it. I must also acknowf ^ ledge the benefit I have derived from attending a much as possible to the liints of I'atrick Brcnnan my esteemed splitter and fencer. My gratefu acknowledgments are also due to John Jagc foi havmg done his best to stir me up to a ^rope, sense of my own biography ; nor must I omit expressmg my sense of obligation to my able assistant, Peter Flap, though I admit that he ha. had nothing to do with this book,_but he's a very obhging fellow, and gets two j.ounds a week for itj Bridget, po(r girl, is still much inflamed with mosquitoes, and has had two offers of marriage As for the Lenzes, my neighbors, they are still the same. Ernestina has at last married Ottc Mauselfoch, the barber in Fortitude Valley ol whom I have said nothing in these pages. How-, ever, he's married. Adolf has gone to Gympie Diggings, and has left his box of German } .oks m my charge. I haven't begun to review any ol 4-1 y c L. CONCLUDING ARTICLE. 173 ook, the twJ I can't think of anything more, and I begin to ^°"''^^' f el that my book— my own httle book— is pass- od ; but mAg away from me. I must write another. I )r having ajan't go back to my tragedies. Reader, one word lentition. It parting— Iso acknow| FAREWELL, attending a ck Brcnnan ^y gratefu m Jagg foi ;o a propel lust I omi :o my abl ^hat he haj he's a ver week for it amed with ^ marriage, n Queens- I I ^yare still rried Ott( Valley, 01 es. How- Gympiel nan } ^oksl sw any of I ^»-<- Pewbungle's Log, PEWBUNGLE'S LOG. gATURDAY January .3, .sg^^Got on O board he ;■ Flying Cloud," and paid two men mv hld"''..^^^'^' ;"'° "'' ^^"^""^ "bin, made r ton h' Til "■' ^°"' "^^'^ '" "y ^°°«". -"ine is a top bed, the top beds are called " bunks • " vvanted one of the bottom ones, but the man said the top ones d.d not roll so much. As I had never been on board a ship before, I walked about as soon as my bed was made ; I told the Captain rny name was Mr. Pewbungle, he said he was sorr^ to hear it, or something, but I didn't catch it a sight .oil m my gait, as I went through the docks to get supper ashore ; got back, went to bed m another man's bed, there was somebody in Sunday, January 24.-Left Gravesend, towed sick felt sorry for anyone that might be ^Uoni>AY, January 25.- Straits of Dove. ^iiaK-espeare s Cliff, Jolly lot of fellows in our cabin, c he sho brandy i then thi ' duced r singing three s some of was ; to shed tea rememb me on t TUEJ bed wit] ing grea stomach before z breakfas days he give her ed at th had bee interest and wali rolling, 1 air, fell < tried to sauor cl PEWBUNGLE'S LOG. 177 oa — Got on i two men bin, made n, mine is ' bunks ; " man said had never about as Captain was sorry- catch it. ked with )ugh the went to ebody in d, towed he least Dover in our cabin, one is nephew to somebody, I forget whom; he showed me a revolver, and gave me some brandy ; told him my name was Mr. Tewbungle, then the other two came in, and my friend intro- duced me, very glad to see me ; somehow we got singing songs, and eating ham ; then the other three showed revolvers round, and we all had some of somebody's rum, didn't know whose it was ; told them I had been disappointed in love, shed tears, and fell back amongst a lot of tins'; remember trying to swim, and somebody hitting me on the head. I begin to like this wild life. "^ Tuesday, January 26.-— Found myself in bed with my clothes on this morning ; vessel roll- ing great guns as the saying is ; trod on Parker's stomach in getting down ; he had been at sea before and swore at me ; went on deck before breakfast, saw the Captain, asked him how many days he thought we should be nozv, he said he'd give her 150 days, and take off what' wasn't want- ed at the end of the voyage ; told him my father had been to India. Captain seemied to take an interest in me, and walked away. P. came up and walked about as if he didn't notice the ship rolling, tried to walk like P., legs went up in the air, fell over a hencoop, and into some raw beef, tried to laugh ; heard the sails flapping and saw a sailor climbing up t' ,,* rope ladder, Captain saw 1/8 PEWBUNCLE'S LOG. ^m too, and shouted " no higher," the sailor stilf chmb ng up m spite of the Captains warning tried to wmk at P. to let him know I Thou 1; there was likely to be a row; but the si ip glvf a ZTtlfcV-'^l "^ '^^^ ■" some'fopes! again he Captain shouted quite audibly " no • h.gher;' but the sailor still went higher ^'nd I matched Wm pulling some string throfgh a hole quite at the very top of the mast ; saw Hie man come down and I watched the Captain, butX cope soThr''^""^ =°"^"''"^ '"'""^"^ ^ '^l- vH^ u u""" ^°' ^^^>' ""perceived; told Parker how the man had disobeyed the CaotaVn After all. there is a charm about this life on the ocean wave, the' of course it wouldn't su^ tvou fast, sat between Parker and Tulk, chaps in my cabin ; only one lady appeared ; couldn't eat No thingseemcd real, except the coffee, a cup of which was upset over my leg-leg was scalded, everyThtg else seemed like a dream. Tried to get aloft to errifi:?ol, " '',"" '°°^ °' °"^ ^^''■" ''-- ^Is ^ TZ"lf' ""^''' '' ' ^^"""-'^ '-'S but it "carried away as we say at sea, and I went with friehtful ,„•'!: jr' ' ^'""^ '° ^o-"- ^ope* a«d an iron sp>.-...u some other things; believe I created quite a came tc his fac with hi( (if she h isha.d s on bein exciting spike tc the wo pull my heard s< until I ! to say i men ru to hold dent J r could c with tea wild an tins, all vessel r was sicli night. Janiii ship fou " found( the lee * Lost m PEWBUNGLE'S LOG. 179 ; saiJor stilf »'s warning, I thought ship gave a )me ropes ; idibly, "no her, and I igh a hole, 'V the man in, but the gh a teles- ived ; told - Captain,. I so often, ife on the suit you ' to break- ps in my eat. No- ) of which verything aloft to ere was a " carried frightful t of salt I an iron created quite a sensation ; even the man at the wheel came to look at me ; saw Parker smiling at me, his face wore a fiendish expression ; very sick with hideous heavings ; saw a woman looking as if she had been laughing at me; when a woman is bad she / bad ; I wished her no harm, and went on being sick. Tried to think it was a wild and exciting life, but couldn't just then. Let go the spike to blow my nose and fell over a spar, heard the words "mainsail haul," and felt somebody pull my legs, which were up in the air somewhere : heard somebody saying " who is that } " struggled until I got my legs down and my head up ; tried to say it was Mr. Pewbungle, but a body of sea- men rushed past me with frightful yells; tried to hold on to more ropes, so that in case of acci- dent J might have at any rate one rope that I could depend on ; at last Steward begged me with tears in his eyes to come to my cabin ; I did, wild and confusing scene— boxes, hams, bottles, tins, all dashing from one side to the other as the vessel rolled. Sick again— sick aH day— Pidkin was sick too, but Parker and Tulk ate ham all night. yannary 27.— I get up to write my log. The ship foundered last night ; not quite sure whether " founder " is th^- right word, but Parker ^cld ms the lee scuppen. had got adrift. We are all saved. Lost my keys, no night-cap, very sick ; wonder i8o PEWBUNGLE'S LOG. Febn fellow, pounds it; it's if Caroline (mine no more) will crv v.\..^ i my log ' ^^^ ^^^" she readi Febr. was Mr. vlZ^Z La ^ 7,^' ?^" *^' ^ ^^^^>' close to us, as near as they could C " "'T ""' ^^" would have been run down for .n the ?''>"■■ ='''P^-"^-' ::;:;r r ..r "^- -- .;. orct;: .as"rrth?b:tS^^zi,-:L"i;; ^-^^^ ^--" eel up for me • but h. ^ ^ "^^"^^^ P^^" ^^^^^' iimes he calls me "Chummv." ''"^- ^^'°^- Captam Jamiary ^n q^ur o. ' .. , Cut my MissPlugthwaitea?dii'°^°""- '^' ''-'de ago tha, y little bits ome day.) r dinner, ker start ' Sou "— from the a lot of luff" is. ago that often when fellows .leave their windows open at night, porpoises and things lay their spawn in a fellow's bunk. Very hot, slept with windows open, in morning found something like slimy ropes spawned right on my sheets, and coil- ed up like a snake. Parker at once said it was cither grampus or porpoise eggs, couldn't say which ; preserved about two feet of it in a bottle of whisky, and showed it to Miss Plugthwaite ; offered to dry a bit for Miss P. as a curiosity. February 24.~Asked Julia (Miss P.) if spoke to her father and asked him if he ^ave I82 me PEWIIUNGLE'S I,OG. to P's) menZ i. '"'=°"™Sement, but begged n,e not tl to find I T^ r'' "^'^ ^°y^Se. Much annoye, sonSh- / "'''*'" ^ '^'°"S^' P°^P°'«e spawn? something from the inside of a sheep ; the blta second mate put it into my bunk. ', waf tM":.'^;7"*^''"''' ^ great noise last night was tokl they'd have to weather the foretop thought , as well to be on the safe side, so wen, '=™ ">en n my pocket, and calmly waited in my cabin • atl ook off'c T' 'i!"""^ "^ '"^y were' looed," si didnt ., f""' J-'"'^''' °^' P="-ker says they d.dn t weather the foretop after all ^ /-.-*;-«.,,:,, ^7._De!icious sensation, got Julia to fill my a.r cushion with her own de^r breatl sat on U ail day. Pidkin awfully jealous. ' J^^n.^.^ 38.-That brute Pidkin let all the wind ^r", . ^?"- ^^°"^^ J""^ Caroline's photo graph, and then hurled it into the sea in her pre sence; she was much affected, and was goinfto sprmg mto my arms. Parker says Pidkin a^s I -a^^.; I said P,dkin was, Parker said I ;:f >W, 2 Oh! dear me! I thought I knew someth,ng of human nature, but human natur " wLktf ''m "' "'"■ ^^°'' '^° ^^y^ J""- hasn't walked with me. Dobrec^e Avh^ i,,. „„ • other sort of 1 lest whe into son " blow Julia he east. Marc, •of brok breath 1 swooned pitched second I down o] lamp, CO -cut off tl cut the 1 head. I r..-.«.i — i- lUltllCI I ed me not t uch annoye ise spawn i ; the bruta ie last night the foretop, de, so went 'our biscuits 7 cabin ; at "looed," so ; am afraid r says they ot Julia to breath, sat 11 the wind e's photo- her pre- 5 going to n'n says I lid I was I knew nature's ia hasn't .,.<. _ _ 1^ • .A.L CiiUin. PEVVBUNGLE'S LOG. 183 to Fs) says Plugthwaite sat up all night swearing vengeance against me. What, oh ! what have I done > Am tempted to leap into the sea with loaded revolver, and threaten to blow out the brains of the first man that dates to spring after me. We are going fifteen knots, we have crossed the line, and I loathe the very sight of the south- ern hemisphere. March 3.— Have taken to drinking, had an- other glass of brandy yesterday ; this irregular sort of life is beginning to tell on me, and I fear lest when I get to Queensland, I may be tempted into some lawless mode of getting a living ; said " blow it " yesterday, more than once I fear ; Julia heard me once. Mine no more. Wind sow- east. March 4.— Dreamt last night Caroline died ■of broken heart, I was there, and with her last breath heard the sound—' bungle.' I thought I swooned, awoke and found that rolling of ship had pitched me out of my bunk, smashed lamp, (the second I have smashed in the same way,) I came down on a fish hook of Tulk's ; couldn't light lamp, couldn't get hook out, couldn't sit down ; cut off the line, and waited till morning. Doctor cut the hook out, and Tulk said he'd punch my head. Borrowed another lamp, and had it hung further from my bunk. Tulk said a bottle of 1 84 PEWBUNGLE'S LOG. brandy would square ft. Main brace, wind as March 5._Got the brandy yesterdav anrf squared u till past two o'clock at njht'parker each had a glass. I like Tulk v ,y much He told me a secret. He has found out a way of eet t.ng g ue. or something, from the cane S ' ft after they have got the sugar. Nobody knowsTt inv s^t \ 'T H '" ' '''"'''''• -^^'^^■" '" -' invest my hundred pounds in it M R -ru- should show how qu.^, human L. ' and how one may b. nl^ r ?. ' u ''f'' fhif T 11 , ^ '^^ aKen , 1 thougrht at firsf that Tulk was a dee,., ,c.,erved kind of chao and now I find he is very open and friendly. '^' " M 6.-Squaring it again yesterday ni^ht and cut my head against something. Said ktn her head full.- Captain said, he tlfought I mus^ have been to sea before woftTurn^';;":f„^:;^ T ^^°:'^-' ''^'^ ■•' dead calm. ' ^''= "'P'"" ^^^^ "'= « Jlf...^ 20.-Had to pay two bottles of rum for gomg mto the forksel. N.B.-Joke for paper When you go to the forksel it's a SELL, and you've got to FORK out. /^u vc onf7'c7T^f r' ''''' ^"<^ '-'^-'1 over one 01 Larolines ett'^r" • .- ginning— ' ^^uiposea poem be- Could wouldi A/ r letter ^ steera^ pivasui her, tl beg. i ( ' sadly i Doctor though said h( Didn't got a 1 had lor of a de who w( less. S scupper the con bribed Parker, would 1 female f thescup nected ce, wind . s ?rday, and fit. Parker tie too, so TJuch He way of get- that is left '' knows it, le'll let me • B. — This - is at sea, ght at first chap, and 'ay night, aid 'keep t I must hope it lys it's a of rum or paper, d you've ed over oem be- I'tWBLNGLE'b LOG. " My bleeding heart has felt the dart, Shot at me by Dm CUPID." 185 Could only get one rhyme to CuPlD and it wouldn't make sense. Bully soup for dinner. ^/ ri/ I. — Much surprised at getting a love- letter from Miss Jodder, a very pretty girl in the steerage ; had often noticed her, and once had the pleasure of hurting her rm by fa' ing against her, through a sudden iuich of the ship— this bega 1 an acquaintance. Often thought she looked sadly after me, but tried to joke her out of it. Doctor saw me speaking to her once, and I thought I'd have lost my land-ord'«r, but Parker said hed managed to soften Uie doctor down. Didn't speak to Miss Jodder for a fortnight, and got a letter from her to-day. S^i.e said that she had long pined in secret, thnt she was the victim of a deep plot ; that she had an uncle in Africa who would avenge her, but that she was power- less. She entreated me to meet her at one of the scuppers that very night, at 12 o'clock ; she said the constables and matrons had been drugged and bribed to secrecy. I told nobody but Tulk and Parker, and they said " of course things like that would happen." Dark night, 12 o'clock, scupper,, female form, very touching, but every now and then the scuppers went bows under, so didn't hear a con- nected story. Suddenly arrested by the con-^ IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) ^ ^0 ^ l.V/ I4J ■■■ mm I.I f^i^ IL2^ i 1.4 6" 1.6 w Piintooranhic ^Sciences Corporation 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEDSTER.N.Y. 14S80 (716) 872-4S03 m \\ ^ ,^ ^ 1 86 TEWBUNGLE'S LOG. Stable; female form fled. Constable felt for my land-order and not finding it about me, tied me w.th one of the ropes, and ordered me to sto, there ,11 he returned with handcuffs ; when he went, I unfed myself, and rushed to Parker who told me that if I took refuge in the forecastle and held out fll a blue shirt was hoisted on the for" yardarm, nobody could touch me, for by that act consftuted n.yself a British man-of-war' man spent rest of night in forksel Apnl 2. Wish we were in Brisbane ; wish and ," "° ''':.■"' '"' '■' ' '"^^'■•'^ '^^ ^-^ - painful Mi s1odi P ^^>'y^^'-d-y: all a hoax about M,.ss Jodder ; Parker or Pidkin, or somebody else on board wrote the letter; it wasn't a fem'^-le met at the scupper; it ws one of the boys pressed up. Stopped all day in forksel; Parke brought me a nobbier of brandy, and s^id they were huntmg everywhere for a blue shirt • Ws evenmg Plugthwaite came and told me all gS ? e ved a? '" ';■ . ^'^-''-P-e are always tli. sty k„,d of man. Walked again vvith Julia and nearly kissed her hand. Win^d by sl ^ "' April 25._La3t night was somethine fearful ! About one o'clock Parker woke me by^shout.W I ■n my ear that we were sinking, that a'll the forf part < every boat, too ; < never cabin broke dough the gl seame ror of laughc of tha hen CO much abated Apr\ everyb are all Apri old mi spliced Apri May house Brightc of ther of us al look at e felt for my me, tied me ' me to stop ^s ; when he ' Parker, who ^recastle and on the fore- ^ by that act f-war's man; bane ; wish ■d a painful In't know it hoax about nebody else a female I the boys sel; Parker I said they shirt; this all; good re always a blood- ^vith Julia, Sow. ng fearful '' shouting * PEVVBUNGLE'S LOG. 1 8/ part of the vessel was wrecked, and that it was every man for himself; he said he'd nailed a boat, and only had to untie it ; said I might go too ; strapped on cork -jacket, and went on deck ; never saw such a wild scene ; all the steerage and cabin passengers were letting go something ; seas broke over us ; hailstones as big as lumps of dough fell all around, and one bit nearly cracked the glass of our skylight. I offered one of the seamen gold if he would stick to me, but the hor- ror of the scene had berefl him of reason, he laughed wildly, and told me to go somewJierc out of that ; lost Parker, and was nearly killed by a hen cocp that got loose ; second mate nearly very much hurt by a hailstone ; at last the storm abated ; and at four I turned into my bunk. April 27. — Expect to sight land to-morrow ; everybody is picking rows with everybody : we are all very cross. April 29. — Got pilot on board ; very brisk old man ; said some of the ropes ought to be spliced with a little chewed bread. April 30. — Dropped anchor in Moreton Bay. May I. — Saw Brighton, which is only one house as yet, and Sandgate, which is really the Brighton of Brisbane ; saw some colonials, three of them missed the steamer, and stopped on board of us all nie^ht so that T had n1«=>ntv nf fim<- fr* " . _ ^ J _. — ^ ^^ Jook at them ; I spoke to one of them. fffflfW-^-flHWirW - 188 / PEWBUNGI.E's LOG.. ZZ i"!!"^ ^"^^ ^"^^^ "^ t° «i« depot all over r'ed pl'S ' ' ''"°'^ """^ -°™-g wirragain ""^'"^ ^'='P bang wirra nigt;" L7.fr: ie?s ,irr ^'^ '- work infra. dig. ; and somebody said a Inf r were in for a dig at Gymoie T T ? °^"^' Queensland, I blow ^ '^"" ^^' ^" ^«!