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Les diagrammes suivants illustrent la mAthode. 1 2 3 1 2 3 4 S 6 V5^ l^ ^*^^€^^^ /j COLONIAL "llFE ASSURANCE CO. ESTABLISHED 1846. CAPITAL, ONE MILLION STERLING Revenue (1865) £152,000 Ste. CIroicc J Selecte< < loods sent to lors of Agencies. katerifs, i lold by I I to Families. # BIBLIOTHEqVE MINT=jSVLHCEi«aflW ARE Sa. .A.5..1. -.^lAN, 141— Great St. James Street— 141 (OpfmiU Ottawa Hotel,) A I MANCPACTVBKII A.\D IMPOHTKK uP OPTICAL. MATHEMATICAL & SURVEVING INSTRUMENTS. Offra, larinr iiiid Toiirislj Clawe!i, li.TOi"rope«. Telfseopw, If. ^ 00 » o CO CO CO o THE EUROPEAN ASSUKAi\€E SOCIETY Empowered by Special Acts of British and Canadian Parliaments. SUBSCRIBED CAPITAL, ANNUAL INCOME, over £750,000 si;g. £300,000 stg, Head Office in Canada, 71 GREAT ST. JAM£S STREET, M OMTS^EAL. In iKldition to Life Assiiranco, this Society issues BONDS OF SECURITY lor prisons iiolding Government or otlier situations of trust. LIFE DEPARTMENT. Persons for whom this Society is Surety can Assure their lives at considerably redini il vates. Life Policj'-holders in this Society can avail themselves of the Society's Suretyship to ;;• proportionate amount at any time — fi eb of exfbnse. % !C|"A11 Premiums received in Canada invested in the Province. EDWARD RAWLINGS, Skcrrtary. Ct3 oo » O oo CO - CO m ,^rt , . -.**: •/ ii rVU Jf CHOICE FRAGMENTS BEING A COLLECTION OF WISE AND WITTY SAYINGS OP CELEBRATED MEN; ANECDOTES, CONUNDRUMS, POETKY, &c. Gapitall Investel BY 1% fVai©::i!5pH • • • * The MONTREAL : Printed bv John Wils^on. ' 1*" fl)^fj'»Vi*tv'- ' ■■*^*'tJi-«, I I » ■»■■ ■> ■ j. ratti^*'' Capital, .... 010,000,000 P]stimated Annual Revenue, 1865, $5,000,000 Invested Funds - . 015,250,000 Funds Invested in Canada, - - - $300,000 Head Offices :— Liverpool, London, Montreal. Life Assurance and Fire Insurance Policies granted on moderate terms. All Losses settled promptly and liberally by the Canada Board of Directors. Life Tables, prospectuses, and all information may be obtained of the Company's Agents throughout Canada, and at the Montreal offices, comer of Place d'Armes &> Great St. James Street. G. F. C. SMITH, Resident Secretary. J. ANDKEW GKAHAM, CATHEDRAL BLOCK, 379 ISTotre Dame Street, ^ OFFERS FOR SALE A LARGE STOCK OP Writing Papers from the Cheapest kinds to the very best quality. Fancy Stationery in great variety, PHOTOGRAPHIC ALBUMS. The largest assortment, comprising the latest styles that can be procured, at very low prices. LEGGAT&REAY, Grocers, Wim anb iprofeion p[ert|ant$, (445 Notre Dame St. nearly opposite James Morison & Co.) I |8 4o' H Country Orders Carefully Packed. PEEFi^LCE Ai an Advertising Medium this volume is issued for circulation amongst the families residing in the City of Montreal. The Subscriber has endeavoured to make it a cheerful and instructive fireside companion. Whilst the Reader will find in it much to amuse, he will also meet with many gems of wisdom. The selections are of great variety, conwsting of Aphorisms of the Wise and Good; amusing Anecdotes; flashes of Wit, Conundrums ; Poetry, &c. To the Advertisers in this book, the Reader is indebted for Its gratuitous circula- tion. A list of the former is given on page 10th. The Subscriber hopes that this work will prove acceptable to the Readier, and bene- ficial to the Advertisers. Should another effort of this kind meet with favour and encouragement, a second volume will be issued next Fall. ' V THOMAS SELLAR. MoNXBSAL^ /anwofiy, 1866. 'JSSu ■^'ypmr:yrf^^^^-^--'»-' L II SmtAt mTtMATtOS TO THOSE Desiring to avail themselves of the Benefits of Life Assurance with t))e Smallest Outlay convenient with Security. THE ifje |i^$0aitl0i 0f ^f wtktiit (Founded 1838,) The System and Regulations of the Life association of Scotland have been so framed as to secure to its Policy Holders the utmost value for their payments, and include provisions in their favor on the following important points : — Smair Outlay for Life Assurance. Non-Liability to Forfeiture of Policy. Liberal Return for Surrender of Policy, or Advance by way of Loan on its security. Freedom from the Rislcs of Partnership. ^ »^-0N 5th APEIL NEXTj-'^Sr The Books will^be closed for the 26th Annual Balance. Entrants on or before that date will secuit ONE YEAE'S earlier par-: jbicipation in Profits. DAVID TORRANCE, Esq., of Messrs. D. Torrance & Co. GEORGE MOFFATT, Esq., of Messrs. Gillespie, Moffatt & Co. ALEXANDER MORRIS, Esq. M.P.P., Barrister, Perth. •Tm Hokblb. G. E. CARTIER, M.P.P., Advciate. THOMAS KIRBY, Esq., Manager, Commercial Bank of Canada. PETER REDPATH, Esq., of Messrs. John Redpath & Son. MEDICAL OFFICER,—^. PALMER HOWARD, Esq., M-D, /( M '.'i'' •:1\V~ 'i-,\ Montreal, Place D'Armes, January, 1866. P. WARDLAW, Secretary. \i ■i/i; 8 -yt> 'j- t'lf tAU ■ • 14 --A ' \ V* V J S>' ■ lu ■if HUNTING FOR EGGS. Pbebe was a yankee maid, Whom to see 'was to admire ; Barney wan an Irish blade Help of her respected sire. Phebe went to hunt for eggs In the barn among the hay, Barney meets her there, and begs To show her Thukeyt lay. Up the ladder like a cat Barney ran the maid before ; There she found in fimny Pat, Jokea that thrilled her bosom's core. Phebe quite her eggs forgot Till she heard her mama call ; Barney whispers, " Tremble not, You will not be blamed at all." «« Barney dear, I will I guess," And she dropped a tear or two ; " If they blame, and you will bless, By my soul I'll marry you." Phebe ever from a child Hated erin's scattered race, Called them vulgar, drunken, wild, Void of culture, void of grace. But from that Uuiicious hour. Often would she say " I swtn. On lofts of hay, or in a bower, I'm partial to an Irishman." On a lovely verdant Flat, By a stream in western clime Phebe with her funny Pat, Laughing, chatting, toys with time. With her humble lot content Often does she bless the day When with singing heart she went, ^ To hunt for eggti among the hay. G. Martin. I 1 t Which is Which. — " Ah Pat !" said a school-mistresa to a thick headed urchin, into whose muddy brain she was attempting to beat the alphabet. " I'm afraid you will never learn anything. Now what's that letter, eh ?" " Sure, don't you know, ma'am ?" " Because it has a dot over the top of it." " Och ma'am / I mmd it well but sure I thought it was a fly-speck." — *' Well now, rember Pat, it's I." ".You ma'am 1" " No no, notU, but 1, blockhead." " Och yes 1 faith now I have it, ma'am ! you mane to say that you, not I, am a blockhead." " Fool, fool ? exclaimed the peda- gogue, almost bursting with rage. " Jist as you plaze," replied Pat — " Fool or blook- heM, it's no matter which ye are to me, as long as ye are free to own it. "I think our church will last a good many years yet," said a waggish deacon to his minister; " I sec the «? H. R 19 Garvey, 0. Mc 31 Galbraith k Brown 43 Gagnon, WatBon k Co 51 Graham, John 59 Henderson, J. IP., > 17 Henry, J. F. & Co. 29 ISenry, J , 63 Imperial Insurance Co., W.. H. Bintpul, Agent : k . . . 27 Jannard, M 71 (fannard, M «.... ........ 75 >7oQes, Russell 3| Johnston, William P 55 Kershaw k Edwards 3 j^ennedy, J. G . . . » 17 PAOB Liverpool and London InRuranco Company O. F. C. Smith, Secretary 5 Leggatt k Reuy 5 Life Association of Scotland, P. Ward- law, Secretary 7 London Assurance Corporation, R. H. Stephens, Agent 11 Latham, B. S 11 Lawlor, J. D 23 Long, Professor 23 Lymans, Clare & Co • 41 Marcou, John L 37 Marsh, Jas. H 57 Martin, G 33 May, S. H. & Co 11 McCluro & Cassils , 61 McGarvey, 31 McVittie, H 17 McWattors, William 21 Meek, Jamcn 47 Monk .& Rixford 37 Ottawa Citizen 67 Pacy, T. B 2 Parks, J, G 21 Palmer, John 23 Parslow, John ,.,, 81 Radway, J.JkCo 15 Rattray, J. A; Co 19 Rodden, William k Co 19 Riddell, Thos. 23 Rafter,J.A 25 Roberts k Reinhold 39 Sanders, H 2 Simpson k Bethune 9 Sellar, Thomas 35 Stoneham,T.F , 43 Scottish Provincial Assurance Co., A. D. Parker, Sec 61 Usherwood, Joseph 53 Worthington, R , 27 WilBon, John 83 Watson, Geo 87 Walker, J.H.J 93 .»^St^\;;L ^aAit."i,.t^. f'^if' TfttfilfcihriiiKi^'y^'^-'^ • - 5 5 11 DISPENSING CHEMIST AND DRUGGIST, Corner of Craig & Bleury Streets, Montreal. Always ou hand and for sale the hest assorted Stock of Toilet Articles, suoli as PerfumerioH, English and French Soaps, Brushes, Combs, Toilet Bottles, i^ponges, Chamois, Sponge Bags, &c., &c. A lai^o Stoolc of pure Drugs and Chemicals, Patent Medicines. Attendance on Sunday from 9 to 10 A.M., and from 5 to 6. P.M. NO. 7 ROYAL EXCHANGE, Imcorporated b jlEoYalG&arte^ i720 .D ACENCY OFFICE, CANADA HI No. 61 ST. FRANCOIS XAVIER ST., MONTREAL. ROMEO H. STEPHENS, Agent. S1©M4K® 1, ^WU AJMiUiVlVAslAf Importer of Drugs, Chemicals, Patent Medicines, British and Foreign Perfumery ; Hoamo- pathic Medicines and Publications ; TruitsuH of every descriptions. Savonettes or hand ernoU lient ; the Sultan's India Rubber Bath Brush, Hair, Tooth and Nail Brushes, &c., Ac. PRESCRIPTIONS ACCURATELY PREPARED. isr ^/l'q-xxjXu street ]m:oittrea.Ij- OILS AND BURSriNa FLUID FOR EVERT DESCRIPriOlT OF LAMP. Successors to CORSE & MAY, IMPORTERS AND DEALERS IN PAINTS, OILS, VARNISHES, GLASS, &c. No. 474 St. Paul Street, Opposite their Old Store, m^ 39S Q@MMltSSIiaNlBR3 8TRBST, ■ ./^ , ^\^ IWCON-TREAI-. f^'i^ 12 Making up for it. — A committee called upon a flourishing licensed victualler to solicit a subscription for the support of a clergyman. " Can't do it, gentlemen," was his reply. " I gave five pounds to the Rev. Mr. P. yesterday." After much persu- asion, however, they succeeded in getting him to put down a like amount for the Rev. Mr. R. and departed with thanks ; but a minute afterwards, he was overheard giving the following directions to an assistant " Draw off five pounds' worth of liquor, and fill up with water. Take it out of the row of casks next to those that you watered yesterday for the Rev. Mr. P." SUPERSTITION, SCIENCE, AKD FREE ENQUIRY. O superstition, could the world behold Thy wrinkled visage, worsliiped as thou art, Not all the pomp of earth, not all its gold, .. . ^ ' , Could purchase for thee one devoted heart ; _, _ The sons of science, eloqacutly bold Have felt the strokes of thy unsparing dart. And knaves, tyranic, kneeling at thy shrines. Have made thy dupes the tools of thoir designs. To science turn, she cultivates the rough ■• ■ ' And barren regions of the savage mind ; Her love is not tho visionary stuff Of human moles, — ^blind leaders of the blind. / Her ways are mild, and beautiful enough , To melt the rigor of a heart unkind ; ' - '' Her truths are diamonds, such as to endure Throughout all ages, palpable and sure. There is a Spirit, potent and serene. O'er all the regions of the earth abroad ; A deathless principle, an active mcin. Pure emanation from almighty God ! It. •■ T's Free inquiry ; in its steady sheen Tho bigot's fury and the tyrant's rod , J Are rendered powerless, exhaustless source ' Of every blessing, onward be thy course I G. Mautin. CONUBIAL HAPPINESS. When silent night with darkness fills, The chamber of the wedded pair What charm can match the sense that thrills The breast of him who, waking there, Hears the fond being by his side Murmur his name in dreams of joy, And hear her, with a mother's pride, Praising aloud their infant boy. '' " ' ' ' G. Mabtin. Obeying the Priest. — An Irishman made a sudden rush into a druggist's shop, took from his pocket a soda-water bottle, filled to the brim with some pure liquor, and hand- ing it across the counter, exclaimed : " There doctor, snuff that will you ?" The doctor did as he was commauded, and pronounced the liquor to be genuine whiskey. *' Thank you, doctor,'' said the Irishman ; " Hand it to me again if you please.** The doctor again did as he was directed, and asked what he meant, " Och, thin," said Pat, " if you will have it, the priest told me not to drink any of this unless I got it from the doctor. So here's your health and the priest's health." 18 m^ \f> Wholesale & Eetail O, ^V Wholesale & Eetail ^-^Ix CHEMISTS & DRUGGISTS, ' Bmi t&e Court Homssji If oateal, Importers of British &Foreig'ii Drugs, Chemicals, Patent Uedioines, Perfumery. Fancy Soaps. Brashes, Combs, Leeches, Seeds, Bye Staffs, &c. BY SPECIAL APPOINTMENT AGENTS FOR THE CANADAS FOR KEBILLON'S PILLS. Sirop de Raifort Iod6. Drag^es de Gelis et Cont4. CHABLE'S " " Phosphate de Fer. " '' Cub6bine CAZENAVE'S " " " Digital. " " Boujean. VALLET'S " « Rebillon. Injection de Chable. BLANCARD'S " « " Citrate de Fer. " " Matico. Capsules au Matico. « " Dr. Forget. " " Brou. PIVER, PINAUD & DELETTRE, Perfumers, Paris. , Judson's London Family Dyes. Murray & Lannman's Florida Water, New York. Bristors Genuine Sarsaparilla. DEVINS' VEGETABLE WORM PASTILLES Are highly recommended by the Medical Faculty as a safe, effectual, and agreeable remedy for Worms. They are put up in boxes containing 30 pastilles, 25 cts per box. None are genuine but those bearing .: .,..-:- the name " DEVINS." Try them and BE CONVINCED. PBEPABKD ONLT BY viv: IXBVINS & BOLTON, Chemists and Druggists, next the court house, MONTREAL 14 IRISH AND HIGHLAND WIT. " What creatures those Irish are !" said the landlord, as he knocked a feather of white ashes from the tip of his cheroot; " it would be a dull world without them. In India, a single Irishman at a station is enough to banish blue devils. The presence of an Irishman anywhere keeps away low Spirits, just as a cat in a house keeps away rats and mice. Every station should wear an Irishman as an amulet against despon- dency." " I have lived a good deal, both in Ireland and the Highlands," said Peun, " and the intellectual difference between the two races has often struck me as not a little curious. They are of the same stock originally, anticparians say, and yet Ireland is a land of Goshen overflowing with the milk and honey of humour, whereas in every quality of humour the Highlands are as dry as the Sahara. Jokes don't usually come further north than the Grampiajis. One or two are occasionally to be found in Rosshire, over there ; but they are far from common, and their appearance is chronicled in the local prints just as the appearance of the capercailzie is chronicled. No joke has been yet found strong-winged enough to cross the Kyles. That's odd, is it not T' " But have not the Highlanders wit ?" " Oh, yes, plenty of it, but rather of the strenuous than of the playful kind ; their wit is born for the most part of anger and contempt. ' There she goes,' sneei'ed the Englishman, as Duncan marched past in his tartans at a fair. ' There she lies,' aetorted Duncan, as he knocked the sooner over with a blow. ' Coming from hell, Lauchlan,' quoth the shepherd, proceeding on a sacrament Sunday to the Free Church, and meeting his friend coming from the church of the establish- ment. * Better than going to it, Kerry,' retorted Lauchlan, as he passed on. Of that kind of rapid and sufficient retort, of the power of returning a blow swiftly and with interest, the Highlander is not in the least deficient. But he differs from the Irish- man in this — that he has no eye for the pleasantly droll kind of things; he has no fun in him, no sense of the genial comic. He laughs, but there is generally a touch of scorn in his laughter, and it is almost always directed toward a man or a thing. The Irishman's humorous sense puts a stitch in the torn coat, ekes the scanty purse, boils the peas with which he is doomed to limp graveward. The best Highlander can draw no amelioration of condition from such a source. The two races dine often scantily enough, but it is only the Irishman that can sweeten his potatoes with point. * They talk of hardship,' said the poor Irish soldier, as he lay down to sleep on the deck of a transport, ' but this is the hardest ship I ever was in in all my life.' No Highlander would have said that, and I believe that joke made the hard plank all the softer to the joker." ^ Do you want any berries ma'm ? said a boy to a lady one day. The lady told him she would like some, and taking the pail from him she stepped into the house. He did not follow, but remained behind, whistling to some canaries in their cages hanging on the porch. Why do you not come in and see if I measure your berries right ? said the lady; how do you know but what I may cheat you ? I am not afraid^ said he ; you would get the worst of it, ma'am. ' Get the worst of itl said she ; what do you mean. Why ma'am I should only loose the berries, and you would be stealing ; don't you think you would get the worst of it ? Time. — Time wears slippers of list, and his tread is noiseless. The days come softly dawning one after another, creeping in at the windows, their fresh morning air so grateful to the lips as they pant for it, their music so sweet to the ears that listen to it, until, before we know it, a whole life of days has possession of the citadel, and time has taken us for his own. i K '■'•Si&Mf'^'^- ■tei Amkim CHOLERA. In 1849 RAD WAY'S HEADY RELIEF cured over 10,000 cases of ASIATIC CHOLERA, and aa a preventative of this scourge saved over a million. As a family medicine it is the most useful remedy known to the world. If seized with paiu or sickness, or threatened with atiy malignant disease, its use will quickly cure the patient, and protect the system against attacks. IN A FEW MINUTES after the application of the READY RELIEF externally, or its administration internally, the patient, seized with the most excrutiating PAINS, ACHES, CRAMPS, RHEU- MATISM, NEURALGIA, GOUT, LUMBAGO, FEVER AND AGUE,SPASMS, SORE THROAT, INFLUENZA, DIPTHERIA, CONGESTION or INFLAM- MATION, will enjoy case and comfort. IMPORTANT.— TO FARMERS AND OTHERS residing in sparsely settled districts where it is difficult to secure the services of a physician, RAD WAY'S READY RELIEF is invaluable. It can be used with positive assurance of doing good in all cases where pain or discomfort is experienced, or if seized with INFLU- ENZA, DIPTHERIA, SORE THROAT, BAD COUGHS, HOARSENESS, BILIOUS COLIC; INFLAMMATION OF THE BOWELS, STOMACH, LUNGS, LIVER, KIDNEYS ; or with CROUP, QUINSY, FEVER AND AGUE, or with NEURALGIA,HEADACHE, TIC DOLOREUX,TOOTHACHE, EAR- ACHE, or with LUMBAGO, PAIN IN THE BACK, or RHEUMATISM, or with DIARRHCEA, CHOLERA MORBUS or DYSENTRY, or with BURNS, SCALDS or BRUISES, or with STRAINS, CRAMPS or SPASMS. The appli- cation of RADWAY'S READY RELIEF will care you of the worst of these com- plaints in a few hours. BHEUMATISM. — T^^is painful disease has baffled the most skillful physicians and popular remedies. It is the most difficult of diseases to treat — ^j'et RADWAY'S READY RELIEF have never failed in affording immediate relief to the sufferer ; and in all cases of Acute, Inflammatory or Nervous Rheumatism, to effect a permanent cure. (In Chronic Rheumatism and Gout, RADWAY'S CLEANSING SYRUP, called Renovating Retolvant, should be taken as an adjunct with the READY RELIEF) Sold by Druggists everywhere. Price 25 cents per iBottle. Dr. RADWAY'S Newly Discovereil Principles in Pnrplion. DR. RADWAY'S PILLS are the best Purgative Pills in the world, and the only Vegetable Substitute for Calomel or Mercury ever discovered. Composed of VEGETABLE EXTRACTS, of GUMS, PLANTS, HERBS, ROOTS, and FLOWERS. They Purge, Cleanse, Purify, Heal, Soethe, Calm, Strengthen, invigorate and regulate the system. In sudden attacks of IN- FLAMMATION OF THE BOWELS BILIOUS COLIC, BILIOUS FEVER, ERYSIPELAS, CONGESTIVE FEVER, SMALL POX, MEASLES, SCARLET FEVER, SIX TO BIGHT PILLS will pnrge the disease from the system iu six hours. DR. RADWAY'S PILLS are an improvement on all other Pills or Purgatives in use ; they will cleanse the alimentary canal as thoroughly as lobelia will the stomach, without prostra- ting or weakening the patient. They are tJie most active and thorough purgative, taken in maximum doses of say six to eight, known to the world ; and in doses of one to four are mild laxativefi. As alterativeR, they are safer and more positive tlian calomel or mercury ; as tonics, Ihey impart richness to the blood, tone and fitrength to the system. Pric3 26 C?rt3 per Sax. I:^j rn ■| 16 ......mm Pat at the Post Office. — The following colloquy actually took place at an eastern post office : — ' I say, Mr. Postmaster, is there a letthcr for me ?' ' Who are you, my good sir ?' ' I'm meself, that's who I am.' ' Well, what's the name ?' ' An' what dp ye want wid the name ?' ' So that I can find the letter, if there is one.' ' Well, Pat Bryne, thin, av ye must have it.' * No, sir, there is none for Pat Bryne at present. * Is there no way to get in there but thro' that pane of glass ?' 'No, sir.' ' It's will fur ye there isn't. I'd tacheye betther manners thin to insist an a gentle- man's name. But ye didn't get it after all — so I'm even wid ye, anyway — ^my name isn't Bryne, sure i' " The uses of Adversity," are thus summed up by Punch : — You wear out your old clothes. Bores do not bore you. You are not troubled with visitors. You are exonerated from making calls. Tax-gatherers hurry past your door. Imposters know it is no use to bleed you. You avoid the nuisance of serving on juries. You swallow infinitely less poison than others. No one thinks of presenting you with a testimonial. Itinerant bands do not play opposite your windows. Flatterers do not shoot their rubbish into your ears. You are saved many a debt, many a deception, many a headache. No tradesman irritates by asking : *' Is there any other little article you wish to-day, »» 8ur. And lastly, if you have a true friend in the world, you are sure, in a very short space of time to luiow it. A Stbikinq Joke. — Playing at cards must be a rascally busmess, since it is impos- elble to engage in it without /our knaves. The One. — When a man and woman are made one by a clergyman, the question is, which is the one. Sometimes there is a long struggle between them before this matter is finally settled. Quite Contrariwise. — We are told that " like cures like." We wish our clever homoeopaths would invent a much more valuable system to society by which " dislikes should cure dislikes." ; h-/ . What is It ? — Alfonso Lombardi, a celebrated sculptor of the Emperor Charles v., was a great coxcomb. He got punished one day by a lady of Bologna, to whom he took it into his head to make love in a foppish manner. She was his partner at a ball, in the midst of which he turned to her, and, heaving a profound sigh, said, as he looked her in the face with what he thought ineffable sweetness in his eyes, and we may suppose some fantastic and writhing gesture, '' If 'tis not love I feel, pray what is itr' — " Perhaps," said the young lady, " something bites you." 5oi 17 at an i ;en tie- name ipace ipo6- nis, liter sver ikes urles lom It a I he we rhat , lQ)|il illll»dl i i®wllif Sil®@i, 299 & 301 NOTKE DAME STREET, 5 of Fhelan's First Glass Tables, also 4 First Glass Bowling Allies HENRY McVITTIE, Proprietor. White Dress Shirts, Regatta Shirts, Fancy Flannel Shirts, Night Shirts, Shirt Collars, all styles, Plain & Fancy Silk Scfs (the latest novelties always in stock.) Black Silk & Fancy Tics Silk and Cambric Pocket Handkerchiefs. J. T. HENDEBSON, Oentlemen's Haberdasher, Shirt & Collar Manufactnrer, HOSIER, BLOVER, AC. 415 Notre Dame Street (Corner St. Peter St.) M1@N1TREAL. Present address and until 1st May, 1866, 383 Notre Dame, Corner St. John. Underclothing, Shirts, Drawers, Hose Si i Hose in silk, wool, merino, cotton, thread Gloves ofall descriptions Braces and Brace Ends Kid Mitts, Comforters &c Silk, Alpaca and Cotton Umbrellas. Walking Canes in great variety, &c. ^c. Ac. Shirts and Collars made to order. 9 Begs most respectfully to inform his numerous patrons and the public, that he has just received, ex steamship " Hibernian," a new and splendid assortment of FALL GK)ODS, selected by himself in England and Scotland, suitable for the present and approaching season. Gentlemen who have not already favoured me with their interest and support, are most respectfully informed that the charges are fully 20 per cent below any other house in the City. Fit and Style guaranteed. J. G. KENNEDY, Merchant Tailor & Juvenile Clothier, 60 St. Lawrence Main Street. COMMISSION MERCHANTS For the Sale of Country Produce, such as Grain, Flour, Pork, Butter, Cheese, Leather, Flax, Flax Seed, Clover and Timothy Seed, Pot Ashes, &o. And for the purchase of Dry Goods, Groceries, Hardware and general Merchandise. Cash advances made for three-fourths value of consignment on arrival of goods, or drafts accepted for two-thirds value when attached to bill of lading. All consignments receive personal attention, and proceeds promptly accounted for. Particular attention given to the selecting and procuring of Merchandise. All orders being the firsti if not accompanied by the money, reference will be required 443 COMMISSIONERS STREET, MONTREAL; L'iV'.' IK 18 Daring the last President election a younp lawyer, noted for tho length of his neck, Lb tongue, and his bill, was on the stump, blowing his born for General McClellan. Getting on his eloquence, he spread himself, and said. " I would that on the 8th of next November I might have the wings of a bird, and I would fly to every city and village, and every town and hanilet, to every hut, and proclaim to every man, woman and child — George B. McClellan as the President of the United States." At this moment a youngster in the crowd sang *ut ; " Dry up, you fool. You'd be shot ibr a goose before you flew a mile." At a camp meeting a number of ladies continued standing on the benches, notwith- standing the frequent hints from the ministers to sit down. A reverend old gentleman, noted for his good humor, arose and said ; " I think if those ladies standing on the benches knew they had holes in their stock- ings they would sit down." This address had the desired effect — there was an immediate sinking into the seats. A young minister standing behind him, and blushing to the temples, said : " Oh, brother, how could you say that ?" " Say thati" said the old gentleman, " it's a fact — if they hadn't holes in their gtock- ings, I'd like to know how they got them on." As a proof of the fact that girls are useful articles, and that the world could not very well get along without them, a late writer states it as a ftict, that if all the girls were driven out of the world, in one generation, the boys would all go after them. " I wish," said the slight and elegant Mrs. Fitzbob to her friend Mrs. Tigg, whose embonpoint was strikingly handsome, " I wish I had some of your fat, and you had some of my lean." " I'll tell you what is tlie origin of that wish," replied the fair wit — " you think too much of me, and too little of yourself " ♦' Mr. Smith," said the counsel,'* you say you once officiated in a pulpit — do you mean that you preached?" " No sir ; I held the candle for a man who did." "Ah, jthe court understood you differently, They supposed that discourse came from you," ** No, sir ; I only throwed a light upon it." The old adage, that / You should not count your chickens before they are hatched," has thus been rendered by a professor of etiquette : " The producers of poultry should postpone the census of their juvenile fowls till the period of incubation is fully accom- plished.*' '♦ Pray, my lord," said a gentleman to a late respected and rather whimsical judge, '* what is the distinction between law and equity courts ?" " Very little in the end," replied his lordship : ' they only differ as far as time is concerned. At common law you are done for at once ; in equity you are not so easily disposed of. The former is a bullet, which is instantaneously and most charmingly effective the latter is an angler's hook, which plays with its victim before it kills it, Theone is prussic acid, the other laudanum." A Precocious Child. — Our little " two-year-old" is grandpa's especial pet. But in one of their frolics together, she struck him on the face so hard that he remonstrated, and aaked if she was not sorry she hurt grandpa. The little mischief looked very sober for a while, then creeping slily up to him, said^ " Grandpa. I'so berry sorry you hurt your head against my hand." D] d An A] 'te)l I] J(lS*Jyv,K» 19 Established 1859. i y It 9 DISPENSING AND FAMILY CHEMIST. 144 St. Lawrence Main Street, Montreal. The speciality of this Establishment is the dispenaiug of Physician's prescriptions. Country Physicians supplied at lowest prices for Cash. Depot for the sale of Magnesium Wire. J, iiTTiiV 4 m. MANUFACTURERS OP AnA Importers aii Sealer!! in id! linils of ToMmist's Gtoiis, MONTREAL. AUCTIONEER & COMMISSION MERCHANT, And Agent for the sale of Messrs. Jacques & Hay's Furniture, &c. m NOTRE DAME STREET, MONTREAL. WM. RODDEN & CO. MANUFACTURERS OF THE BEST DESCRIPTION OF COOKING « OTHER STOVES, Iron Furniture, Bedsteads, and Railings, Builders, Machinists, and Ornamental Castings, all hi great variety, .. Works, 165 to 179 William Street, Sample and Sale Booms, 118 and 120 Great St. James Street, Montreal, G.E. '\ 'i if t m m f 20 Knave and Fool. — Two persons of a sarcastic turn met a neighbour, and said, " Friend, we have been disputing as \o whether you are most knave or fool." The man took each of the querists by the arm, so that he was in the middle. " In truth," said he, " I believe I am between both." Counsellor Crips being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the Company, a phy- sician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner being served, and the doctor not returned, some one cxpreased his surprise where he could be gone to. " Oh," says the counsellor, " he is but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his old patients." What is " Canvassing ?" — An Irish witness before the Clare Election 'Committee, having said he had been " all day canvassing," was directed to " define" canvassing, which he did thus : " To try to induce and force the voters to vote for Comey O'Brien, and if they would not, to give them drink till they could not vote at all." A curious boy in Lochwinnoch parish, Scotland, asked his mother about the origin of man, etc., and was answered : " We are all made of clay." " Are the horses made of clay too ?" he asked. " Oh, yes," was the reply ; " all of clay." " Then, mother, Duncan Donelson, has but one leg ; has the clay been unco dear d'ye think, when he gangs wi' a timber ane ?" An old Dutch tavern-keeper had his third wife, and being asked of his views of matri- mony, replied, " Veil, den, you see, de first time I marries for love — that was goot ; den I marries for beauty — dat wash goot too, about as goot as de first ; but this time I marries for monish — and dis is better as both 1" Lady Ohandos, who was still a coquette in her advanced maturity, came to a party after eleven o'clock. " How late you are, my charmer !" said the mistress of the house, provokingly. " I am quite ashamed," answered her ladyship, " but my maid is so very sk)w ; ^e takes more than an hour and a half to do ray hair." " Fortunately," observed one of her friends, '•' you are not obliged to stay at home while she is doing it." Turner the painter was ready wit. Once at a dinner where several artists, ama- teurs, and literary men were present a poet, by way of being facetious, proposed as a toast the health of the painters and glaziers of Great Britain. The toast was drank ; and Turner, after returning thanks for it, proposed the health of the British paper stainers. Cueban's Case. — Curran, on one occasion was employed on behalf of the plaintiff in a case of assault. The plaintiff had called the defendant some ugly names, and threatened him, and the defendant had taken the law into his own hands, and thrashed his opponent. Curran, however, would not hear of any palliating circumstances. The plaintiff had been struck by the defendant : no matter what offence had been given, the defendant had no right to strike and abuse his ill-used client, &c. " Mr. Curran," said the judge, " if a man met you in the street, called you a scoundrel, and spat in your face, what would you do ?" — " What would I do 1" said Curran. "Bedad, I'd knock him down as flat as a pancake !" It i^ almost unnecessary to say thfit the plaintiff lost his case. I A C muk, PHOTOCRAPHEIt, 18 St. La^'^rence Main Street, 12 Card-de-Visite, $1.50; 6 ditto, >1.00. BOISSEAU, ^~ ^^^ MTM5 PAME STREBT, MONTREAL Ftrrf PruTfl for Colored Photographs, Pr(mneidl Exhibition 1865. ai SB 9 FAGTiyi 01 PliNO No. 124 RUE ST. LAURENT, H^Pianos r6par^ et aocord^s, k court avis et k ^i^ mod^r^s. WILLIAM MCWATTERS, HARDWARE MERCHANT, 179 St. Lawrence Main St. (9nd Door from the Market) MONTREAL. A complete assortment of Gabutet lyfAKEBS and House Furnishing Hard-^ WAKE, always on hand. Gttt Nails, Looks, Screws, Hinges, Spades, Shovels, Hay and Manure Forks, Paints, Oils, Glass, Futt^) &c. &c. 1 '■> -mi X: T S8 li Some men keep savage dogs around their houses, so that the hungry poor who stop to " get a bite" may get it outside the doo ., j .^. Book-Keeping taught in one lesson. — Don't lend them. " Is that clock right over there?" asked a visitor the other day. " Right over there?" said the boy: < 'taint nowhere else." j • . . ^j A young gentleman says ho thinks that young ladies who refuse good offers of mar- riage are too " No-ing by half." Flirt. — ^A beautiful but useless insect, without wings, whose Qoloun fade on being xemoved from the sunshine. *< I can take no pleasure in you when you get in one of your snappish ways," as the sat said to the trap. , An " owdacious" newspaper writer speaks of doctors as gentlemen of the turf. * .. The worst kind of oil to have anything to do with — turm oil. ^ i, . ' The bottle, is the Devil's crucible, in which every-thing is melted. The Difficulty of a Fast Man's Life. — Chequeing his tailors' bills. Matrimony is a game that every young person should take a hand at. Don't believe in any aristocracy withoat'pluok as its backbone. Idleness travels very leisurely, and poverty soon overtakes it. crusty old badielor says women should be spelt whim-en. f 7 The London Conundrum and Funning- Company (Limited) haa discovered what to do with the National Debt. Its idea isio leave it a loan. What to except at a hotel — inn-attention. — Punch. ^ ]'.■■' . i' ^ A WOMAN'S NO. I said my love was deep and true ; She only answered with a jest, A mocking word, a smile at best, As one who naught of passion knew. ■'» i How earnestly I tried to plead ? Her eyes roved idly here and there. Her fingers toyed with chain or hair, She scarcely seemed my words to heed, At last I said, " then is it so ? "^ * '^ " * f My darling, must I go away ? Have you no word of hope to say ?" She answered firmly, proudly, " No!" I turned to go and leave her free ; When on my arm a hand wag laid, And in my ear a whisper said, ' ,^^^ ,, j^ ^ . " I love you : oh, com* back to me !' ,;,, . .; .( ' 1 l\ ^--J P»»-»^f.>"» -^Y*"- Jim 23 # MMBHSf # The only place in Montreal where you can purohaae a iMii SIKH siww mmm |9 at 65 St. Sulpice Streety CORNER OF FR£N€H CATHEDRAL. J. D. LAWLOR, Agent. Gold and Silver, and American Bank Notei, bought and sold by J. D. Lawlor, 65 St. Sulpice Street. Writing, ^ook-feetping, ^ril^rfit anb Compositioir, TAUGHT MOST EFFECTIVELY BY PROFESSOR LON^G, At Ms Educational Institute for ainlt tnltion. 507 Craic Street. Booms for Jjodies and private ipstruction. Toung men qualified for sitnations in tbo nhortest possible time. Hours of attendance, from 9 to 12 a.m., and from 1 to 6, and 8} to 10 p.m. *♦ Prof. Jjong is, without exception, the penman of the day." — London Timet. Call and see specimens and testimonials from some of the highest authorities in this citj, Under the Pa tronage of Princ e Napoleon. JOHN PALMER, HABIIillSSSSi ^ii PSiraiEi, Manufacturer of Ladles* and Gentlemen's Wigs, Toupees, &o, 223 iotre iame »ixtti, l0»M. Jk complete assortment of Perfumery, and all the varied articles of Toilet, selected froflT the best marts in the world. r f^rea6her) having fallen into convertotion with some of his parishioners on the benefits of early rising) mentioned, as an instance, that he had that very morning, before break- fast composed a selrmon and killed a salmon — an achievement on which he plumed him> self greatly. "A Ireel, sir," observed one of the company," I would rather hae yer salmon than yer sermon." Artificial Wan^s. — Bulwer says that poverty is only an idea in nine cases out of ten. Some men with ten thousand dollars a year suiter more for want of means than others with three hundred. !f he reason is, the richer matt has artificial wants. His income is ten thousand, and he sufiers enough from being duntted for unpaid debts to kill a sensitive man. A man who earns a dollar a day, and does not run in debt is the happier of the two. Very few people who have never been rich. Will believe this, but it is as trtte as God's word. There are thousands and thousands wth princely idCotfies who never know a moment's peace because they live above their means. There Is really more happiness in the world among working people than among those who are «alled rich. Want op Decision.— Sydney Smith, in his work on Moral Philosophy, speaks in this wise of what men lose for want of a little " brass," as it is termed : " A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Elvery day sends to their graves a number of obscure men, who have only remained in obscurity because their tin^dity has prevented them from making a first effort, and who if thev had only been ifduced to bi^in, would in all probability have gone great lengths m the career of fame. The fact is that in doing anything m the world Worth doing, we must not stand shivering on the brink, thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as i^e can. . " tt will not do to be perpetually calculating risks and adjusting nice chances ; it did all very well before the flood< When a man coUld consult his friends upon an cx<' tended publication for a hundred and fifty years, and live to see the success for seven centuries afterwards ; but at present a man waits and doUbts, and consults his bro- thers, and his unCle, and his particular friendsi till one day he finds that he is sixty five years Of age, so that he has lost so much time in consulting first cousins and par- ticular friends, that he has no more time for dVer-squeamishness at present, that the opportunity slipi away. The very period of life at which matt chooses to venture, if ever, is so confined, that it is no baa rule to preach up the necessity, in such instan- ces, of a little violence done to the feelings and efforts made in defiance of strict and Isober calculation." ^^.^ ' " LeSd loud the roar of ocean's wave, that df iv'n , By stormy Boreas, breaks upon the beach I " ** Less loud the crackling of the flames that rtige In the deep forest of some mountain glen ; Less loud the wind to wildest fury roused, > HowIb in the branches of the lofty oaks ; Than rose the cry of Trojans and of Greeks, As each, with furious shOut, encountered each." Daily Homes. ' Pay no attention to my bad temper, John,' said a passionate man to his servant, ' for you know that my ill-humor is no sOoner on than it is off again.' — ' Yes, sir,' replied John ; < but it is no sooner ofi* than it is on again •-'» I ill »*j m i' i m m o t mrnm;- 29 BROWN S cea ; it an cx<> l:h BRONCHIAL TROCHES "A SLIGHT cold;' COUGH, HoarSetoesS, or Sore Throat, which might be checked with a simple remedy, if neglected, often terminates seriously. Few are aware of the importance of stopping a Cough or " slight cold" in its ^iirst Stage ; that which in the beginning would yield to a mild remedy, if 'not attended to, soon attacks the lungs. The efficacy tof Brown's Bronchial Troches is demonstrated by testimonials from Physiciahs, Surgeons in the Army^ atld eminent men wherever they have been used. They were first introduced in 1850. It has been proved that they an the best article be/ore the public for CovaiiS; Cohvs. Bronchitis, AsthmA, Catarrh, the Hacking Cough in CoNSOMPTiON, and numerous affections of the Throat, giving immediate relief. PUBLIC SPEAKERS Al^D SINGERS Will find them effectual f*r clearing and strengthening the voice. From Mb. T. DucRARitB, for niany years Chorister of French Parisli Church, Montreal. " It gives me great pleasure to certify to the efficacy of your Bronchial Troches, in av ttffection of the throat and voice-, induced by public singing. They have suited my ca The moet'ourious *hifig — » woman that^is «ot curious. The wedding ring is put upon the fourth finger of the woman's left hand, because, it is 8Ud m/the original formulary of marriage, it was placed first on the top of the thumb, with the words: " In the name of tlM Father ; " then on the next finger, with »:he words : " And of the Son ;*" then on the raiddle finger, with : " And. pf the Hol||r tJhost ; " and finally on th(» fontth, with the " Amen." ;!1 i Haniifactarer and Wholesale & Retail Dealer in every Style of PLAIN AND FANCY FURNITURE, No8. 7, 9 & 1 1 St. Joseph Street SECOND BOOR FROM McGILL STREET, MONTREAL. ©ffillT iSiiSTI PiBQSS ^imjL jQif; Begs leave to inform his customers, and all who are about to furnish house, that he has recently enlarged his warerooms, and has now on band thd Largest and moEt varied Stock of Furniture in the City. Bedroom sots of every description at a reduction of from 15 to 20 per cent fVoiu his former prices. Bedsteads, Mattresses, Coverlids, and all kinds of Bedding, at Very low prices. Parlor Suits (solid Walnut) in Hair Cloth, from $60 to $800; aad a general variety of Household Furniture conRtantly on hand and made to Ord«r. 603 and 609 CRAIG STREET, (n^w Voi.) m IH B2 Scotch Bullh.-^Two operatives were conversing the other day about a fine cemetery recently made in drte of the most flourishing of our Border towns. One of them with whom the "newfartgled graveyard" was evidently no favourite, boldly, but amusingly, expressed his aversion to it in the remark, " I'll rather dee than be buried in sic a place! " With equal disregard of the logic of facts, his companion, who held an exactly opposite opinion of the cemetery, retorted, " Weel, if I'm sparqjd io lif^e an' health I'll gang naewhere else ! ^' — Edinburgh Courant. ; ^ ' A FRENCH UPIGRAM — ; J Tu parlez mal par tout de mol, Je dis do bien par tout de tol ; Quel malheur est, le notrc) L on ne croit ni 1 un ni 1 ' aiitl^c . Translatid roB thi Watchha* aso Bbfliotor. While you speak of me nothltlg but ili, I say nought but good abotlt you ; How unlucky that nobody will Believe that we either speak true. * An impatient boy waiting for his grist said to the miller. ' I could eat the meal as fast as the mill grinds it.' ' How long could you do sof inquired the miller, ' Till I starved to death,' was the sarcastic reply. " Steel your heart," said a considerate father to his son, " for you are gdiilg among 'some fascinating girls." *'I had much rather steal theirs," said the udtMmisiag young man. A little boy running along stubbed his toe and fell onyldvement. " Never mind liiV little fellow," said a bystander, '* you won't feel the paid, to-morrow. "l?hen," daid ihe little boy, " I won't cry to morrow." What are you about there? said a gentleman to a boy whom he found in his drchai'd, *clisposing of a few apples to great advants^e, viz : in hat and hankerohief — for pocket lie had not. I'm about going, said the boy. A Sharp Jest. — ' So I understand Mi^. Tooke you have all the blackguards o^ LonAcM with you,' said O'Brien to him on the busting of Westminister. ' I am happy to have it on such good authority as one of the greatest of them,' said Tooke. " BaiNdftNO Up."-^A person's character depends a good deal upon his bringing up. For instanee, a man who has been brought up by the police seldom turns out respect- able. It is less ptunful to learn in youth than to be ignorant in age. It is a bad boy who goes like n top — no longer than he is whipped. Dowry. — The bast dowry to advance the iiiarriajre of a youn? l.icl;- is to have i.. Iier oountonanco mildness, in her spoeoh wisdom, and in hat beliaviour modesty. ' " Poor Dick i how sadly he has altered since his marriage !'' remarked one friend *o another. " Why, yes, of course," replied the oth6r, " directly a man's neck if m ijk» nuptial noose; every one must see that he's a halt^1re(i pttrson." 33 i^SX; G. MARTIN, Fleteifiiilier to tie P CORIR CR1I6 & ST. PETER STREETS, EVERY STYLE AND SIZE OF Im m& €dmd EXECUTED AT MOSERATE BATES. N. B. — Small Likenesses of deceased persons, or others, copied and enlarged to any size up to life, (Tr'Special attention paid to Cartes de Visite. GEORGE MARTIN, 40 ST. JOHN STKEET, Every article used in the Art sold at Lowest Prices, '1 :. H \ MM 31 I " How is oue to get rid of poor relations?" asked a n.illionaire of a friend. " I declare," he continued, " if they're pot just like my fits of the gout ; the oftener they come, the longer they stay." " Well then," reisponded the friend, '^ you should resort to the same means of getting rid of them — thin diet^ Talleyrand was worried for his autograph, and to one of his persecutors he thus wrote — "Will you oblige me with your company to dipner on Wednesday next, at eight o'clock ? I haVe invited a number uf e;(6eedingly clever persons, and do not like to be the only fool mnong them." ;; . i. '* Jeannie," said a Canieroniun, to his daughter, who was asking his permission to accompany her .urgent and favoured suiter to the altar, — ''Jeannie, it's a very solemn thing to get married." — " I know it, father," replied the sensible damsel, " but it's a great deal solemner not to. " THE CATASTROPHE. " Poor fellow ! So young too I Well, sooner or later We all bid farewell to the pleasures of life. «Ti« but just — " — "What ! has anything happened to Slater Is he dying ?" — " No ! no ! but he's taken a wife." •* My dear," said a gentleman to a young lady whom he hoped to marry, " do you intend to make a foojl of me ?" — " No," replied th^ lady, <' Nature hafi saved me the trouble. " A lady^ who affects great learning and clasaicality of speech, but whose knowledge of language is rather limited, alluding to the speech of one of the newly-elected members of Parliament, said " ijt was very .spirited and classical in style, but rather too ad dap- trapandum,'^ Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine, senti- mental manner, in praise pf conjugal love and fidelity. " The husband," said Sterne, " who behaves unkindly .to his wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head," •*' Jf you think so," said Kjlarrack, ** I hope your house is insured." ., .. a " Dennis, my boy," said an English schoolmaster to his Hibernian pupil, " I fear I phall make nothing of you ; you've no application," — *• An, sure enough, sir," said the quick-witted lad, '' isn't it myself that's always being tould there's no occasion for it? Don't 1 see every day in the newspapers that * no Irish need apply,' at all, at all ?" A man must ]xa.ye a very bad opinion of himself not to be willing to appear what he really is. Many per^ps fancy themKlves friendly when they are only officious. They counsel not so much that you should become wise, as that they should be recognised as teachers of wisdom. An Ancient Opinion of Love. — It is a pretty soft thing this same love ; an ex- cellent company keeper — full of gentleness and affability; makes men fine, and go cleanly j teacheth them good qualities, handsome protestations ; and, if the ground be not too barren, it bringeth forth rhymes and songs, full of passion and tenderness. Proverbial. — The reason why polioemen are never run over is, that they ar» never in the way. ij2L So An Irish Toast. — The following toaat was given at an Irish society's dinner. ^* Here's to the president of the society, Patrick O'Raferty ; and may he live to ate the hen that scratches over his grave !" It is customary in some churches in America for the men to be placed on one side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the congregation, o^ Nichhe was obliged to take notice. A woman immediately rose, and wishing to clear ^er own sex from the asper- sion, said : — " Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side."- — *' So much the better, good woman, so much the better," said the clergyman ; " it will be the sooner over. jj An '^airy Situ.\tion. — A barber's. ISSUED BY THOMAS SELLAR, Herald Buildings, 345 Notre Same Street, ' ' Residence at Mrs, McArthur's, . ^ 481 Lagauchetiere, 4 doors J^ast of St. Urhain Street, l|®*Will Remove in May next to 53 Great St. James Street, a few doors West of the St. Lawrence Hall. i , r.;/ SiDNET Smith wrote to a friend, " I have seven or eight complaints, but in all other respects I am perfectly well." , , Women. — The morning star of infancy — the day star of manhood— the evening star of age. Bless our star ! . . ■ . " I'll give that girl a piece of my mind !" exclaimed a certain young fellow. — " X woulden't," replied his uncle : ^'you've none to spare." 4- " Tell your mistress that X have torn the curtain, " said a gentleman to a punning domestio of his lodging-house. — "Very well, sir, mistress will put it down as rentJ*^ To prevent the kitchen door from croaking, keep a serv»nt girl whose beau qomes to see her of an evening. 36 [ \ .1 ' ;i i \ i ^ * i ■ 1 i ) i i i •\H f III A Grave Sin. — Writing a lying epitaph. A Good guess at a tailor^s namc,^ — Mr. So-and so. A BREACH which every gallant eoldier avoids — a breach of politeness. " Ah, Charley," said one little fellow to another, " we are going to have a cupola on our house."—" Pooh, that's nothin " rejoined the other ; " papa's going to get a mortgage on ours," Good Looking-Glars. — " Miss," said a fop to a young lady, <'what a pity you wasn't a mirror." — "Why so ?" said the blushing lady. — « Because you would be such a good-{ooib'n<7-2aM." " Make way, gentlemen," cried a fussy M. P. to some people In the park the other day ; " make way, we are the representatives of the people." " Make way yourself/* replied a sturdy member of the throng, " we are the people themselves." Self-Devsnob. — " What is the best attitude for self-defence ?" asked a pupil of a well known pugilist. " Keep a civil tongue in yorr head," was the reply. Insurance. — The following toast was recently pronounced at a fireman's dinner, and was received with great applause : " The ladies — their eyes kiudle the only flame against which there is no insurance." ,? ' " Marriage," said a fretful husband, " is the graveyard of love," '' Yes," replied his. wife, "and you men are the grave-diggers." ' ^ t j^, : . s i - / A LOVER gazed in the eyes of his mistress until she blashed. He pressed her hand to his heart, and said, "My looks have planted roses on thy cheek ) be who sows the seed should reap the harvest." \ i A Lattter's Letter. — The following is said to be t'no copy of a letter sent by a member of the legal profession to a person who was indebted to one of his clients : — " Sir, I am desired to apply to you for twenty pounds, ducto myfcUent, Mr. Jones ; if you fload me the money by this day week, you will oblige me ; if not, I will obHige you I'* One Word. — " Sire, oneword,"8aid a soldier one day to Frederick the Great, when presenting to him a request for the breve,t of lieutenant. — "If you say two," answered the king, " I will have you hanged." — "Sign," replied the soldier. The king stared, whisUed, and signed. To Persons About to Marrt. — A Persian poet gives us the following instruct tion upon this important subject: — "When thou art married, seek to please thy wife; but listen not to all she says. From man's right side a rib was taken to foim the woman, and never was there seen a rib quite straight. And wouldst thou straighten it ? It breaks, but bends not. Since, then, 'tis plain that crooked is woman's temper, forgive her faults, and blame her not ; nor let her anger thee, nor coercion use, as all is in vain to straighten what is curved, ' DEFINITION OP A DENTIST. A Dentist, love, makes teeth of bono, For those whom fate has left without ; And Qnds provision for his own, by pulling other people's out. 'I 37 R. W. COWaIS, HATTEB AND FUBRIER, IN"o. 19-4 Rue I^otre Dame, (Presque vis-a-vis le Palais de Justice,) (Nearly opposite the Court House,) f^ » i ■ JOHN L. NIARCOU, Wfe@l©sil© aidl letill f im©!*, ■, Manufacturer and Iniporter of all kinds of Hats, Caps & Furs, 186 NOTRE DAME ST. (opposite the Court House) ' AND 363 NEAR ST. FRANCOIS XA VIER ST., MONTREAL, y-.'-.r.,... HIGHEST PRICE PAID FOR RAW FURS, ..i 84 XjXWXjSI so*. jr.A.nCEISI S*FX|.SISKF, MONTREAL. ' % WHN MONK. B. H. RIXFORD. ^1 :i I H I 1 !i \ WoRLDLT KiCHES, — If from hare worldly wealth a man seekcth honor, ho is deluded, for ho is not thereby tnuly honourable ; he is but a shining earthworm, ^ well-trappod ass, and gaudy statue, a theatrical grandee; with god who judgeth mos^ rightly he is mean and despicable ; no intelligent person can iowardly respect him. — Ambition often plays the wrestler^s trick of raising a man up merely to fling him down. It is wise and well to look on the cloud of sorrow as though we expected it to ttirn into a rainbow. Consider how few things are worthy of anger, and thou wilt wonder that any but fools should be wrathy. Wc ought to be able to endure almost everything in old age, for we have at tho worst but a short time to be mieerable. During the Stormy days of 1848 two stalwart mobocrats entered the bank of the late Baron Anselm Rothschild, at Frankfort. '*You have millions on millions," said they to him, " and we have nothing. You must divide with us."- -"Very well," said the baron; "what do you suppose the firm of Rothschild is worth?" — "About forty millions of florins," they replied. "Forty millions, you think, eh ? " said the banker. "Now, then, there are forty millions of people in Germany ; that will be a florin a-picce. Here's yours." "Woman's "Wit. --" Do let me have your caxt« de visite," said a dashing belle to a gentleman who had been annoying her with his attentions. Of course the gentleman was delighted, thinking he had made an impression on the lady's heart, and in a short time the pioture was sent. She gave it to the servant, with the question, " Would you know the original if he should call ?" The servant replied in the affirmative, •' Well, when he comes, tell him I am engaged." General Sheridan is said to be as witty as he is brave, and excessively found of conundrums. One day he astounded the grave and quiet lieutenant-general by asking him why a grape-vine is like a soldier. Of course, General Grant couldn't oegin to guess. " Well," said Phil, " it is because it's listed and trained^ has tendriUt (ten- drils) and shoots." The lieutenant-general gazed fixedly for a time upon his favourite officer, then bowed his head upon his hand, as if in deep thought, and quietly remark- ed, " You'll do." — [But General Sherdian " won't do," if he thus steals his jokes from Tom Hood.] One day the philosopher Bias found himself in the same vessel with a crowd of sorry scoundrels. A tempest came on, and iastantly the whole band began to invoke the succour of the gods. " Bo quiet, you wretches !" said |the sage ; " if the gods per- ceive that you are here, we arc gone !" Only Enouqh for One. — Sheridan was once staying at the house of an eldei'ly, maiden lady in the country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give. Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him sneaking out alone. " So, Mr. Sheridan," said she. " it ha«- ch'srcfl up." Just a littlO; ma'am — enough foi one, Lnl wot fnoiiciK fnr tvpr>." ' u I: i so ' i\ '.' ( ROBERTS & REINHOLD, ^radical fit^ogra^^crs, (Sngraticrs aiiii (Central ^rinttts, 132 OBEAT ST. JAKES ST^SIEET, HONTSEAL R. & R. beg rcRpuctfully to reiiini their thanks to the public of MonlrenI and C'ltimda gunerally, for th« exten> ■IT* palroiiBfrc vviih which they have heet; liivoreil : and in solieitiiig a (vji>tii;ui»iice of that paifonuge and further orders, would ' lorin thttiii thnt fruni the iiicriti^ed uppliant-KM recouily ndded to their Cstahlishmciit. the)r are no\y 111 a position lo cxeciitK m-eiy drfcriptioii ui KiiKmviiijf and Litluixniphy AT hUCH I'HICtiS and In such a superior mamitir as eitucttmlly to uliviiiiti ihw iiccu^.iity hitiieito Kxihtinu oi' the best class of work being sent to U)o tf tales. Ma|is, Ptons, Umwings of Maohiiiery, Croyon Drawings. Tint and Color Printing, of every description. Hhow Cards, froinoiiu to forty colors. di'»i),'ufil and c^el•uted in tlie most superb tityle. Baiiic Cheqiirs, licnds. CertirivRies of Hioik and Uep<.>«iis, Letter niid Note Headings, Invoices, ^latcments, AMressand HuiincKN Cards, yhc limilt, and all oiher CircularK. Kngruvers and Printers <•! Music— -.Mu.^lc TitU'S primed in every variety of color. ^^cnool Copy Hooks execiilrd in tin; most approved iiud modern styles. l->>imatcs given, and Coiiiimis t.ikfn for ivery description of Printiiijy, and for orders of any magnttode. An Inapcotlon ^ti their Sampleji la rvmpncituUy ■oltcK^da " Humble as I am," said .1 bullying American spoutor at a meeting, " I still r^- n^embcr that I'm a fraction of this magnificent republic.'' — " You are, indeed," aaid a bystander, " and a vulgar ouc at that." I see you are on the watch, as the thief said to the guard chain. Men slip on wator when it is frozen, and on whiskey when it isn't. Bear and Beer. — Very bad spelling is sometimes the best, as in the cape of the English beervendor, who wrote oyer his shop door, ' Bear sold here.' Tom Hood; who saw it, said it was spelled right, btipaupe the fluid h*i sold wa.s his own * bruin.* Thb Simplicity op Gknjus.— rWhen Bewick was asked to what ho owed his marvellous success in portraying beast and birds, bis answer is said to have been thajb he supposed * looked harder at them' than most men did. So Mrs. Siddons, whei^ questioned as to the art with which she produced such electrifying eflfects on the stage, ■aid she * simply did the best she could.' What trees are those yrhich, when fire is applied to them, are exactly what they were before ? — Ashes. When I speak ill of women in general they all abuse and contradict me ; when I epeak ill ^f gue woman in particular, the rest admire and agree with me. A wife in San Francisco lately put up a petition for divorce in the court on the ground that her husband was a " confounded fool." The court, a confirmed old bachelor, wouldn't admit the plea, because almost every u^arried man would be liable to the same imputation. Many of our " slang" sayings have a classical deviation. When one calls his com- rade a " brick," he is only paying compliment uttered a thousand years ago:— An Eafitern priuco, on being asked, "Where are the fortifications of your city? replied^ pointing to his ecldicrs, *« crcrr ra;in jou pee is a brick." ii ;, ;y 5' -hi li i 40 'it: ; ■fi Talleyrand was one day leaving a council of ministers when he met a courtier distin- guished for his imprudent gossiping. "Well M. Le Prince," he cried, "what has passed in the council to day ?" " Four hours have passed," replied the Prince, gravely. — Probably the wittiest saying in the language is Douglas JerroWs definition of dogmatisni — that it is puppyism come to maturity. — " Ma, why is a postage stamp Ukc a bad scholar?" " I can't tell, my son ; why is it?" " Because it gets licked and put in a corner." '* Susan, put that boy to bed." Two friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still resembled only the ' effigy of a man,' said the stout gentleman, Why Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you last. — And you, replied the other, look as if you had been at dinner ever since. A good wife exhibits her love for her husband by trying to i)romote his welfare, and by administering to his comfort. A poor wife " dears" and <* my loves," her husband, and would't sew a button to his coat to keep him from freezing. A FLIRT is like a dipper attached to a hydrant, Everyone is at liberty to drink from it } but no one desires to carry it away. BACHELORS. As lone clouds in Autumn eves, Ab a tree without its Ieave.s, As a shirt without its sleeveb — Such arc Bachelora. As As creatures of another things that have inconsistencies, Such sphere, business here, r. Bachelors. cl A Frenchman writing a letter in English to a friend, and looking for the word pre- serve in the dictionary, and finding it means to pickle wrote as follows : — May you and your faijiily be pickled to all eternity. A Fair Exchange. — * I wish I had your head,' said a lady one day to a gentleman who had solved for her a knotty point. «And I wish I had your heart,' was the reply. ' Well,' sai(t she, 'since your head and my heart can agree, 1 don't see why they should not go into partnership.' i-v ,,' They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she hadn't indu- ced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have sinned of his own accord in drinking. Giving Warning. — A gentleman who did not liveveiy happily with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was about to give her mistross warning, as she kept scolding from morning till night, said, "Happy girl I I wish I could give warning, too." The Ugliest Hood in the world. — Falsehood. '< All maidens arc good," says one moralist ; ' but where do the bad wives como ■itimmi'-^'. 41 One for His Lordship. — A country carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet, which was ordered by the executioner, on the ground that he had not been paid for the last he had erected, gave so much offence that the next time the judge came to the circuit, he was sent for. '' Fellow," said the judge, in a stem tone, "how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on my account ?" " I humbly beg your pardon," said the carpenter, "had I known that it had been for your lordship, it should have been done immediately. Some young ladies dressed out in finery resemble the cinnamon tree — the bark is of a greater value than the body. 3E3S'Xr..^]BXj w 384 and 386 ST. PAUL STREET, MONTllEAL, MANUFACTURERS OF Linseed Oil, Paints, Putty, Oil Cake, Land Plaster, Cal- cined or Stucco Plaster, &c. &c. &c. IMPORTERS OF Drugs, Chemicals and Perfumery. German Window Glass, Painter's Colors, Dye Stuffs, Surgical Instruments, Lon- don Pickles, Sauces and Mustard, &c. &c. IN STOCK Pure Ground Spices, Powdered Drugs and Cut Dye Woods. DEALERS tN English, French and American Garden and Agricultural Seeds* HtJMBLE Aspirant. — A candidate for auditor of public accounts was called upon for a speech. On rising, he commenced :— ^* Gentlemen, you have called on me for a few remarks, I have none to make — I have no prepared spe6Ch. Indeed, I am no speaker. I do not desire to be a speaker — I only want tto be att auditor.' A mayor of one of the communes in France lately made the following 6htry upon his register : — "I, mayor of ,found yesterday, in the forest of , a man> by the name of Rollin, committing an act against the laws. I commanded him to surrender) whereupon he set upon me, heaped me with insult and contumely ; calling me a ti^tr muffin, a precious old dolt, and an awful and contemptible scarecrow — all of whi«k t fcereby certify to be strictly true." - . v '11 . (M aSarn mm ■■I I I 'i'' ;', 42 TO M¥ WIFE. I'he folidwing exquisite ballad was written bj Joseph Brecnan, an Irish exile, who died in New Orleans several years ago, of consumption, at the agA of twenty-eight. It is touchingly beautiful : Come to me dearckt, I'm lonely without thee ; Daytime and night-time I'm thinking about thee ; Night time and day-time in dreams I behold thee—^ Unwelcome the waking that ceiises to fold thee. Come to me darling, my stJrrows to lighten ; Come in thy beauty to bless and to brighten ; Come in thy womanhood, meekly and lowly ; Come in thy lovlinesa, queenly and holy. Swallows will flit round the desolate ruin, Telling of spring and its joyous renewing ; And thoughts of thy love, with its nianifold treasure, And circling niy heeirt with A pntnise of pleasure. Ohj Spring of my Spirit! oh, May of my bosom ; l^hine olitoif my soiil till it bourgeon and blossom ; The pfwt of my life has rose-i-oot within it, And thy foun'dness alohe to the ^itinshine can win It Figures that move like A Bong through the even— Features lit «P by * reflex of heaven— Eyes like thti skies of poor Erin, our mother. When shadow and sunshine are chasing each other < Smiles coming seldom, but child-like and simple, Opening their eyes from the heart of a dimple ; Oh, thanks \d the Saviour I that even thy seeming ■ Is left to the exile to brighten his dreaming. Ton have been glad when you knew I was gladdened ; Dbbr; are you sad now, to know I am saddened ? t)iir hearts ever answer in tune and in time, love, As octave to octave, and rhyme unto rhyme, love. I V;abnot weep, but your tears will be flowing ; You cannot smile, but m.j^ cheek will be glowing ; » I would not die without you at my Hide, love, You ^ili not linger whci-^ I shall have died, love. Cohio^td me dear, efe I die of my sorrow ; Rise on my gloom like the sun of to-morrow ; Strong, swift, fond, love, as the words which I speak, f ''■ ■ A song on your lips, and h smile on yout cheek, lov*. I ; ;.. Come, fot' my heart in your absence is weary ; ' Haste, for my spirit is sickened and dreary ; tTome t6 th6 heart that is throbbing to press thee, Obme to the arms that wouid fondly caress t hee. A Valid Objection. — A gentleman recently advertised for a wife, and TeqaeBte , HxmQ one blamed Dr. Marsh for changing his mind. " Well," said he, ''iJiat is the difference between i Inatt and a jackass ; the jackass can't change his mind, and the man can — it's a human privilege." Putting down a LawIter; — A brow-beating lawyer, in cross-examining a witness, asked him, among other qnestibos^ where he was on a particular day, to which he ro- j»liedj ' In company with two friends.' 'Fri«ida]' exolaimed the lawyer ; 'two thieves I suppose you mean.' < That may be so/ replied the witness, 'for they are both lawyers;' 45 Which is the Best?—'! love you, Ruth : you surely have been able to discern it? My love is ardent and sincere. Oh, say that you'll return it,' 'Return it. Paul ! No no ; not I, Iv'e striven hard to gain it ; and now Iv'e got it, by your leave, I'd rather far retain it.' Complimentary. — A barrister, not over young or handsome, examining a young lady witness in court, determined to perplex her, and said, ' Miss, upon my word, you are very pretty!" The young lady very promptly replied, ' I would return tho com- pliment, sir, if I were not on oath.' The Mind. — Elevation of mind imparts grace and dignity to forni and features : but of all sentiments benevolence towards our fellow creatures, and pure disinterested love are the most valuable ingredients in the * Elixir of beauty.' DALTON'S NEWS DEPOT, Corner Oraig & St. Ija\vrence Sts. NOVELS, SCHOOL BOOKS, SONG BOOKS, INKS, PENS, PENCILS, And Every thing in the Book and Stationery Trade,- SUPPLIED AT THE LOWEST PRICES. , A Hibernian senator, speaking bf suicide, said, 'The only way to stop it is to make it a capital offence, punishable with death !' - ,> A Minister having walked throiigh a village churchyard, and observed the indiflcri- hiinate praises bestowed upon the dead, wrote upon the gate post the following line : — **Here lie the dead, and here the living lie." The distinguished individual known amongst the ancients as Cupid, haa recently changed his name to Cupidity, and devotes his attention to matters of money as well as matrimony. Philosophers say that shutting the eyes makes the sense of hearing more Mutet Perhaps this accounts for the habit some people have of always ckising thtir flgfti ill church during sermon; !t i / •^ .1 iii»ir>;fl :Hyr, 4f> It Mi iir • \ A witty chap indites the following good things : The match was a regular greenback match That could by law be stayed ; His offer a legal tender was, And she was the tender maid (made.) There is no danger of hard times among shoe-makers, because every shoe is sold before it can be got ready for market. Never present a lady with a rose as a token of love, unless you mean to keep yout faith in violet [inviolate.] A collector presenting a bill to Sherridan for the hundredth time, apologised for its soiled and tattered appearance. " I tell you what I'd advise you to do, my friend,'* said Sheridan ; " take it home and write it on parchment." A lecturer the other day contended with tiresome prolixity that art could not im- prove nature, until one of his hearers losing all patience, set the room in a roar by exclaiming, " You are wrong, sir, very wrong, for I am sure you would not look so young without your wig." A Conjugal Hint. — In former days Mr. Graham was session-clerk and practioa ieaeher, and although he faithfully and ably discharged all the duties of his double office, still he occasionally fell into the sin of drinking a little too much. His spouse, as • matter of course, was sorry to witness this failing of her giideman, and often remonstrated with him on the impropriety of his conduct ; but the husband turned the point of her rebuke by a simply exclaiming, * True, I get mysel' whiles half fou : but do ye na ken, my dear, if it hadnt been for that bit fau't, ye ne'er wad hao been Mrs. Qraham." " Putting your foot in it," it seems, is a term of legitimate origin. According to the '• Asiatic flesearches," a very curious mode of trying the title to land is practised in Hindoostan. Two holes are dug in the disputed spot, in each of which the lawyers on either sidfe put one of their legs, and there remain until one of them is tired, or com* plains of being stung by insects — in which case his client is defeated. In our country It is geiiierally the client, aud not the lawyer, who " puts his foot in it." ' Paddy, honey, will you buy my watch ?' * And is it about selling your watch ye are, Mike ?' * Throth it is darlint.' ' What's the price ?' * Ten shillings and a mutchin of the crature.' * Is the watch a daccnt one ?' ' Sure and I've had it twenty years, and it nevet once desaved me.' ' Well, here's yoUr tin, and now tell me (Joes it gb well ?' ' Bedad an' it goes faster than any watch in Connaught, Munster, Ulster, Leinster, not bearing Dublin.' • Bad luck to ye, Mike, then you have taken me in. Didn't you say it never desaved you ?' ' Sure an' I did ; nor did it, for I never depended on it,' I am surprised, my dear that I have never seeu you blush. The fact b, husband, I was born to blush unseen. The anallor ftie calibre of the mind, the greater the bore of a perpetually offda nuouth. A Pa^dox. — If a young laAly wishes to encourage her lover wh«n h^ givoa Ijei* a iqAew!©, the bfst thing she o'an do is to -rff-^trnse Imw. *" ; ,; CRYStAL BLOCK, Q89 'N'otre JDanie Street, MONTREAL. JoiNT-STOok Swearing. — In Connecticut a certain justice was called to the gaol, \o liberate a worthless debtor by receiving his oath that ho was not worth twenty dol- lars. " Well, Johnny," said the justice, on entering, '* c in you swear that you are not ^orth twenty dollars, and never will be ? " — " Why," answered the other, rather cha- grined at the question, " I can swear that I am not worth that amount at present." — " Well, well," returned the justice, " I can swear to the rest ; so go along, Johnny." Josh Billings's Proverbs. — Jt costs more to borry than it does io buy. If a man flatters you, you can kalkerlate he is a rogue, or you are a fule. Keep both ise open, but don't see morn harlf you notis. If you ich for fame, go into a graveyard, and Iscratch yourself again a tume stone. Young man, be more anxus about the pedigree yur going to leave than you are about the wun sbmebody's going to leave you. Sin is like weeds — self sone and sure to cum. Two lovers like two armies, general git along t|uietly until they are engaged. A tale is told of Black John, the last of the Cornish Jesters, that, one day, after he had for some time amused the guests, and had drunk his full share of, the ale, he fell, or seetned to fall, asleep. Of a sudden he started up with a loud and terrified cry- Questioned as to the cause of his alarm, he said to his master, " Oh, sir, I was in sog, (sleep)', and I had such -a, dreadful dream, t thought I was dead, and I went where the wicked people go." — " Ha, John," said Arscofct, of Tettcott, in his grim voice, wide awake for a jest or a tale, " then tell us all about what you heard and saw." — *' Well, master, nothing parti<;ular." — " Indeed, John ! " — '' No, sir ; things was going on just as they do upon earth — here in Tettcotl Hall — tho gentlefolks nearest the fire." Choicest Wines, Liquors and OigarSi No. 8 ST. LAMBERT STREET, NEAR NOTRE DAfflE STREET, Hot and OoM Lunchkonb at all hours; and from 11 to 1 P.M. a general one to i^ JIUXS UWK, Proprietor* . ..} li i', 4S s. 1 k1 ■ ( fl \m f Feminine tiOOKJAW. — An ungallant old physician, having been called t For virtuous acts and harmless joyp, , ., The minutes will not stay ; , ' • We've always lime to welcome them, • .. . . To-day, my love, to-day. But cares, resentment, ang'-y words. And unavailing sorrow, ^ .^ Come far too soon, if they appear, ■ To-morrow, love, to-morrow. ^> ^^ '"-' », r}f-i fl?. Why is an bid man's house more easily entered than a young man's ? — His gait is nroken, and his locks are few. Why is a printing-press like th6 forbidden fruit ? Because from it springs th6 knowledge of good and evil. "Ptpa," Baid young hopeful to his bankrupt parent, * why am I like Mr. Ooxwell ?' "Can't say my dear," returned papa ; 'don't see any resemblance.' ''Because I'm im heir o' nought (fleronaut.)" Bankr^ijiit parent doesn't see it. •**«««•«■, W-H** 4'.) [SUCCESSORS TO JOHN V. IIKNRY & Co.] jjoltsale Ijatcut Ulcliianc nnb ^trfumerj ^lart^ousr. 5 1 3 & 5 1 5 ST. PAUL STREET, MONTREAL, C.E. DESAS BARNES & CO., JOHN F. HENRY. «. S, BARRETT. MAXAOKI. WHOLESALE AGENTS FOR DOWNS' VEGETABLE BALSAMIC ELIXIR, HENRY'S VERMONT LINIMENT. Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup Iladway's R. R. Remedies Burnett's StandardToiietGoods Burnett's Flavoring Extracts Constitution Water Herrick's Sugar-coated PiHs Herrick's Strength'ng Plasters Tanner's German Ointment Hall's Hair Rcnewer Helmbold's Buchu and Sarsa Mexican Mustang Liniment Ayer's Sarsaparilla Aytr's Cherry Pectoral Ayer's Pills Bristol's SHr,'"a8hua, N. H. BARNES, HENRY & Co., Wholesale Agents, 513 & 515 (old No. 303) St. Paul St., Montreal, C.E. y . 60 ^-^ .. ft... . .(I: ! jij i if t- !; A mild answer to an angry man, like water east upon fire, abateth his heat, f^i^ trova. an enemy he shaii bevuunc tliy friend. .Politeness is not always a sign of wisdom, but the want of it always leares room for a suspicion of folly. The velvet moss grows on sterile rocks, the mistletoe flourishes on the naked braiir ohes ; the ivy clings to the mouldering ruins ; the pine and cedar remain fresh an4 fadeless amid the mutations of the receding year — and heaven he praiBe4) somethii^g green and beautiful to see, and grateful to the soul, will in the darkest hour of life, still twine its tendrils around the crumbling altars and broken arches of the desolate lemple of the human heart. I'VE DREAMEP QP HAPPINESS. I've dreamed of happineRS To Bee it fade, And known the sweetest bliss The grasp evade. I've dreapied that friends would proT« Through coming time The wealth of youth's young lov« To streugthen mine. But timo would bring a chang« In outward show, One word^would oft eatranga The friendly flow. I've dreamed that love was parft, By heaven lent. That could all tl^ii^gs endure, Wherever sent, But ah t I've ofion known An icy chill When purest love had tiown, The heart to fill. Though earthjis bright and fair, Its flowets bloom To shed their fragrance rare Round joy's sad tomb. Bnt in a future age Shall ope to view A fairer, brighter page, In grand review. Immortal Hope shall twin* Its wreatli of green Around the brow of time In fadeless sheen. S! No vision then shall flow With time away, But shall with beauty glow, In sweet display. !lt-J 51 for (Successors to RINGLAND & EWART,) HOSIERY, GLOVES & HABERDASHERY, SHIRT ARi iSLLii liiifiSTIiRBiS, CANADA SHIRT STORE. 400 Notre Dame St., Montreal. Mother Wit. — Said an Irishman to a telegraph operator, 'Did you ever charge anybody for the address in a message ?' * No,' replied the operator. * And do you charge for signing his name, sir?' said the customer. 'No.' 'Well, then, will you plase send this? I just want my brother to know I am here,' handing him the following — 'To John McFinn — at London — (signed) — Patrick McFiun.' It was sent as a tribute to Pat's shrewdness. If you desire to be truly valiant, fear to do an injury ; he that fears not to do evil is always afraid to suffer evil ; he that never fears is desperate ; and he that fears always is a coward; he is the true valiant man that dares nothing but what he may do. — QxMTlet, If thou wouldst get a friend, prove him first, and be not hasty to credit him ; for some men are friends for their occasion, and will not abide ii the day of thy trouble. Some arc friends at thy table, but not in the time of thy affliction, A faithful friend is the medicine of life. The great secret of avoiding disappointment is not to expect too much. Despair follows imm^dj4te hope as things fall hardest to the ground that have been nearest to the sky. ;CT> 'A cbUl £^ ;cn CO II^FOI^TBItS OF No, 303 NOTRE DAME STREET, 02 t!^ iU I, f I it h i Why id a beseiged city very like matriaiony ? Because those who arc in, want to get out ; and those who are out, want to get in. •- ^•. Why do ladies wear such extraordinary things as icrinoline ? — Because all the heavenly bodies move in eccentric circlos. A Conundrum with a very Obvious Answer, (recommended for mild tea parties.) — Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted ? — Because it'ss an invisi- ble force. Why ia that which destroys u town and makes a martyr ? Caunouization. Why is a baby when cutting its ivories like a breakfast cup? Because it's a teething (tea-thing.) Why is a marriage-certificate like an article the public could not do without ? Because it is a noo*e-paper. Why are cobblers eligible for medical diplomas ? — Because they arc all skilled in the art of heeling. Why are milestones very unsociable ? — Because you never see two together. What belongs to yourself, and is used by every one more than yourgelf? — Your Why ought the pig be the cleverest of animals ? — Because he has a hogs-head of brains. Why are young ladies' affections always doubtful ? — Because they are only Miss- givings. Why is a selfish friend like ^he letter P ? — Because though the first in pity, he ia the last in help. Why is a young lady like a poacher ? When she has her hair in a net. ' What tree represents a person who persists in incurring debt ? — The willow (loill-otoe) What is that which is full of holes, and yet holds water V — A sponge. What does a glazier get when he breaks his own work ? — His labour for his panes. Why is a dull and plausible man like an uurifled gun ? — Because he is a smooth ibore. One for his Nob.— A barrister entered the hall with his wig very much awry, jof which he was not conscious, but was obliged to endure from almost every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last addressing hin^self to Mr. Curran, he asked him, " Do you see anything ridiculous iu this wig ?" — " Nothing but the head," was ithe answer. Symptoms. — ' I am afraid,' said a lady to her husband, * that I am going to have a Stiff neck.' ' Not at all improbable, my dear,' replied her spouse : ' I have seen strong aymptoms of it ever since we wore married.' int to II tho Its a Old Enqli8|i Proverbs. — God hath often a great share in a little honae, and but a little share in a great house. If every man vrill mend one, we shall all be mended. Grosses are ladders that fcad up to heaven. Prayer brings down the first blessing, and praise the second. He who will thrive must rise at five ; He who hath thriven mny sleep till seven. The child saith nothing but what is heard by the fireside. The hasty man never wants woe. To forget a wrong is the best revenge, JOSEPH USHERWOOD, GRAINER, GLAZIER, Plain and Decorative Paper Hanger, &t White'Washing and Coloring punctually atteiidied to. Qold goes in any gate except that of heaven. The truest wealth is contentment with a little, fhete is no coward like an ill conscience. That suit is best that best suits me. The body is sooner well dressed than th? soul. If things were to be done twice, all would be wise. Stay a while, that you may make an end the sooner. " M^ brudrin," said a coloured preacher, descapting on the difficulties of the wa- ner, " it am easy to row a bcMit ober Niagary Fal|«, but a tremenjus jol^ to row it baok again." % ! r P'. I 1 ! » i », ^' i f P n i \ ' i 54 Why are cobblers eligible for medical diplomas ? Because they are skilled in the art of heeling. * Boy you are not far from a fool.' * Well as we ain't more than three feet apart, I give in to that,' was the reply. As a toast fit for any celebration take — ' Woman ! she requires no eulogy — she speaks for herself.' The following anecdote is told of Daniel O'Connell : — Meeting a prolific pamph- leteer, whose productions generally found their way to the butterman, he said, " I saw something very good in your flew pamphlet this morning." " Ah " replied the gratified writer, "what was it?" " A pound of butter," was the reply. A lady, who was very modest and submissive before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely afterwards. " There was a time when I almost imagined she had none." *'Y es," said the husband, with a sigh, " but it's very long since." A coquette is fond of fancy for a moment — faithless for a year — fickle for ever — a painted doll — a glittering trifle — a feather — a toy — a bubble— a transitory pleasure— ^ an eternal pbin — an embodiment of absurdities — and a collection of contradictions. " Papa," said a boy, " what is punctuation f " It is the art of putting stops, my child." " Then I wish you'd go down into the cellar and punctuate the beer barrel, as the cider is running all over the floor." " How do you like me now ?" asked a belle of her spouse, as she sailed into the room with a sweeping train of muslin following her. " Well," said he, * It is impossible for me to like you any longer." " Where a woman," says Mrs. Partington, " has once married with a congealing heart, and one that beats responding to her own, she will never want to enter the ma- ritime state agin." An old widower says, when you pop the question, do it with a kind of laugh, as if you were joking. If she accepts you, very well ; if she does not, you can say you were only in fun. 0:^ A Frenchman intending to compliment a young lady by calling her a gentle lamb, said, — ^ She is one mutton as is small.' The characteristic of Spanish wit is excessive stateliness. Of their proverbs, " He who has nothing to do, let him buy a ship or marry a wife." ** From many children and little bread, good Lord deliver u§." " A fool is never a great fool unless he knows Latin." A foppish fellow advised a friend not to marry a poor girl, as he would find matri- mony with poverty " up hill work." " Good," said the friend ; •' I would rather go up hill than down hill at any time." ** I shall be at home next Sunday night," a young lady remarked, as she followed her beau to the door who seemed to be somewhat wavering in his attachment. *' So shall Ii" was the reply. . ■«■- '"^■'•-ifcw^, . 56 Barber. — A lady in Paris recently gave a concert at her house. " Do you like Rossini ?" said she to one of her guests. — " Rossini ! indeed I do ; he is my favourite -composer." — "Are you familiar with his Barber?" (of Seville.) — " Oh, dear no; I always shave myself." Queen Caroline pressed Bishop Bundle to tell her of her faults. " If it is to please your majesty," said he, " I will tell you of one. Persons come from all parts of the kingdom to see your majesty when you attend Whitehall Chapel. It is therefore to be lamented that you talk so much to the king during divine service." — " Thank you, lord bishop," said the queen; "now tell me another of my faults." — " That I will do, with great pleasure," said he, " when your majesty has corrected that which I have just mentioned." Tastes Dipper with Regard to Birds, — The infaut delights in gtows^ but hates the thrush ; some lunatics are raven mad ; gluttons are 1 )nd of swallows; persons with bad colds indulge in hawks ; fast men glory in a lark ; and every good husband Joycs bis little duck of a wiffe. WILLIAM P. JOHMTON, ri^e ^flot mH ^|oe panufaeturer, No. 398 NOTEE DAME STEEET, MONTREAL, Has on hand, and is prepared to make to order, on the shortest notice, Gentlemen's Boots and Shoes of every description. ] i Painful. — An £rish glazier was putting a pane of glass into a window, when a groom, who was standing by, began joking him, telling him to mind and put in plenty of putty. The Irishman bore the banker for some time, but at last silenced his tor- .nentor, by " Arrah now, be off wid ye, or else I'll put a pain in yer head widout any putty!" Coleridge was a remarkably awkward horseman — so much so as generally to attract notice. He was once riding along a turnpike road, when a wag approaching noticed the peculiarity, and thought the rider a fine subject for a little sport, when, as he drew near, he thus accosted the poet : — "I say, young man, did you meet a tailor on the road ?" — " Yes," replied Celeridge, " I did ; and he told me if I went a little further I should meet his goose." was celebrated equally for his wit and his severity as a criminal le, as a speclvil commissioner appointed to try the culprits in one of 1 1 !• rt •..• * t t L // IT Lord Norbury judge, At one time, ^ ^.^ ^ ^ the Irish rebellions, he had in course of a sitting, convicted a great many — " You are going on swimmingly here my lord,'' said a council for tha prisoners. — " Yes," an- swered his lordship, significantly, " seven knots an hour." fr ' U\ I 1 i I 1' , i ' 1 i ' ? ■ 1 ' »■ f . I ^ 1 56 HABE ! AGAIN THE WINTBY GALE. AiB,— " Whistle 9 Knowing. — A thousand things are to be thought of in the judicious management of your book of friends and acquaintances. " Sir," said a man in Pall Mall to Walpole, who had ignored his salute ; " sir, you know me in Bath !" — '* Aye sir," replied Walpole ; " and when we are in Bath, I shall be glad to know you again." Profound is the philosophical discrimination contained in this wise saw of the cream of fine gentlemen. " Dan," said a little fonr year-old, " give me sixpence to buy a monkey." — " We've got one monkey in the house now," replied the elder brother. — "Who is it, Dan?" asked the little fellow. — " You," was the reply. — " Then give me sixpence to buy the monkey some nuts." His brother " shelled out" immediately. A person who dined in company with. Dr. Johnston endeavoured to make his court to him, by laughing immediately at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with philosophical indiflference ; but the impertinent " Ha, ha, ha !" becoming intolerable, " Pray, sir," said the doctor, " what is the matter ? I hope I have not said anything that you can comprehend." I w hi > ¥1 m f9 I iL NICHOLAS STREET. COURT HOUSE AVENUE, JOHN GRAHAM, Proprietor. This House is conveniently situated and still maintains its character as a first class Hotel. Omnibuses to and from the Gars and Boats free of charge. Catching the English Accent. — A fashionable Irish gentleman, driving agood deal about Cheltenham, was observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could bo his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such an air- ing. *' Oh," said he, " he's trying to catch the English accent.'' A POET once wrote in a lady's album : — " Of ail sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these, ' It might have been.'" A later writer, mindful of the many good things that people think of saying when it is too late to say them, writes : — " Oh, of all sad thoughts when the moment is fled. The saddest is this, ' What I might have said.'" A schoolmaster struck " ilc" the other day, but it was only ' -^n-ile. ht:: ^11 If-; 11 ^ li rh ■f hi 1 1; II i : Hs DiNN A Ken. — Old Lord Alpbiiistone was asleep at chiirch, while ih6 inihistei' ^ MURMURS. Some mnrmur when their sky is clear, And wholly bright to view, If one small speck of dark appear In their great heaven of blue. And some with thankful love are filled^ If but one streak of light, One ray of Ood's good mercy gild The darkness of their night. In palaces are hearts that ask, in discontent and pride, Why life is such a dreary task. And all good things denied ; And hearts in poorest huts admire How love has in their aid (Love that not ever seems to tire) Such rich provision made I Rev. B. C. Trench. Influbnob op Affection. — There is a good deal of cdtiting about involiiiitary affection in the world, and all that ; but a young lady should never let such fddlish notions enter her headi She should allow the pride of conscious strength of mitid to keep her above every foolish, vain, and nonsehsical preference towards this precious fop, and that idle attenddnt on a lady's will. She should lay it up in her heart a^ ail immutable principle, thai no love can last if not based upon a right and calm estima^ tion of gbod qualities; 6t at least, that if the object upon which it is lavished be not one whosfe heart and whose head are both right, misery will surely be her portion; A sudded preference for a stranger is a very doubtful kind of preference, and the lady who allows herself to be betrayed into such a Silly kind of affection, without knowing a word of the man's character or his position, iS guilty of indiscretion which not only reflects unfavourably upon her gOdd sense, but Argues badly for the natorei and groiindwork of that affection. When is a cake Dot a cake ? When it is ife all over. When il^ a boat like a hteap of snow ? When it's a-drift. What is the best sign fot a bad inn ? A violin (a vile-inn.) What quadruped does a baked negro resemble ? A black bear. > Why is a philosopher lik^ a looking-gl'^-'<( ? Be ause \Vfi bound to a d()or (adore.) iil jrhTtiKMiTf T»iltf I Mfc ■ ■i&^MiB^tfiB • • ■~""ir<'i 61 fi Tod Vioar op Bray. — " Sailing leisurely upwards from Windsor and Eton, wc pa$6 Monkey Island^and its fishing temple, ereqted by the third Duke of Marlborough, arid SRvive at the little village of Bray, in Berkshire, famous all over England for the accommodating vicar, who once resided in it. He changed his religion according to the ascendancy of the day : a Protestant to please one government, a (Roman) Catholic to please the next, and again Protestant to keep on good terms with the third ; arguing alHbe time, that he was consistent and sincere to the one great fundamental principle of bis life, which was upon no terms, if he could help it, to part with his comfortable iriinmbency of Bray." . A public writer thinks that much might be gained if speakers would observe the' iMlle^s creed — always shut the gate when the grist is out. riKE AND LIFE INSURANCE, ESTABLISHEi, 1825. '^i0UiiicM INe®EIP®ftATES BY ACT (%F PAeMLIAMiNT. ^■iHTAL, ---■'----- ONE MILLION STEELING. Invested in Canada, ®500,000. CANADA HEAD OmCG, MONTREAL DIRECTORS i Hondrable JOHN YOUNG, Chairman. Htoh Tatlob, Esq., Advocate. I Hon. Chas. Wilson, M.L. C. R. D. CoLns, Esq., Merchant. I William Saohb, Esq., Banker. SECRETARY : Inpertinence Answered. — ' Where do you hail from, ' queried a Yankee of a tra- veller. * Where do you rain from ?' * Don't rain at all," said the astonished Jonathan. * Neither do I hAil — so mind your own business.' There is many a slip between the cup arid the Up, but there are many more slips after the cup has been drained by the lips. The Dubhes of .once beautiful and replete with wit, waa congratulating herself on her youthful looks and pretfehding that she was born at least twenty years later than She really was, when her daughter, more beautiful than her mother, endea- vored to put a stop to her exaggerations by crying aloud, " Oh, mama, do at leasfc have a year between our ages." G2 i -I t i I ? 1,1 A sentimental young lady liavinji asked a gentleman why he didn't secure some fond one's company in his voyage across the ocean of life, replicd^that ho would do so, were ho certain that said ocean would be Pacific A clergyman, who was consoling a young widow upon the death of her husband, spoke in a very serious tone, remarking that he wr one of the few. "You cannot find his equal, you know." To which the sobbing fair one replied, with an almost broken heart, " don't know, but I'll try." — A John Bull, conversing with an Indian, asking him if he knew that the sun ne- ver sets on the Queen's dominions. " No," said the Indian. " Do you know the reason why?" asked John. " Because God is afrnd to trust an Englishman in the dark," was the savage's reply. — An Irish glazier was puttying a pane of glass into a window, when a groom, who was standing by, began joking with him, telling him to mind and put in plenty of putty. The Irishman bore the banter for some time, but at last silenced his tormentor with, " Arrah now, be off wid ye^ or I'll put a pain in yer head widout putty." — A celebrated song writer asked Douglas Jerrold. * Have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea ?' " 0, yes," said Jerrold, " I've all the confidence, but I haven't the guinea." An old Dutchman had taken a wife for the third time, and being asked ! ' lews of matrimony, replied — * Veil, den, you see first time I marries for love — dat was goot; den I marries for beauty — dat was goot too ; but this time I marries for monish — and that was better as both." To love is everything ; love is God, — Leon Godan. Paradise is always where love dwells. — Jean Paul Bichter, Lore is precisely to the moral nature what the sua is to the earth. — Balxac. Heavens sunshine will requite the kind. — Byrcm. Slight small injuries, and they will become none at all. — FvAW. Our powers owe much of their energy to our hopes. — Johnson. Love demands little else than the power to feel and to requite love — Jean Paul Bichter. He that calls a man ungrateful, sums up all the evil that a man can be guilty of. — JStoifi, Life is a sleep, love is a dream ; and you have lived if you have loved. — Alfred de Mmset. It is strange how soon, when a great man dies, his place is filled. — Longfellow* The motto of chivalry is also the motto of wisdom ; to serve all and love but onci S3alzac. , "Why is trne wit like a diamond 1 — It cuts as well as shines. 1 it'i'. 5 run S2L^ r 7r ," when his experience stoutly protested, and he finished this branch of the subject by saying, in the simplicity of his heart, '7 Wanted. — An intendiint bride who is willing to begin house keeping in the samo stylo hi which her parents began. Twenty fiishioniiblo young ladies, who dare to bo seen wielding a dusting brush; or darning their brothers' stoekings, it' a gontlenian should happen to make an early niorning call. Tho sanio inunbor of independent young ladies of '• good family," who dare to wear their last winter's bonnot to church on a fine Sunday. The same number of young ladies, '• who are anybody," who dare to bo seen in tho street wearing shoes with soles thick enough to keep their feet warm. Tho same number of young ladies of sullieieut age " to go into company," who durp confess that they have made u loaf of bread or a pudding. " I am like a lione," said a school master of himself, blades, but I wear myself out in doing it." I sharpen a number of Til ©TTiWi OITIIii^' f8 publlehed DaUy and W<>ek[y at OTTAWA. No expense is spared by the Proprietor in obtaining etirly and reliable news. In this res? pect TJfE OTTAWA CITIZEN has always been far aheaJ of itt. contemporaries. It has correspondents in all tho principal cities in Canada, ami tho Tel' . rapb is f** ely used for the transmission of all items of Political, Gommcrcial, and General interest. ' f-s Enropuan Cor- respondence is admitted to be second to that of no other newspaper on f1. j Oontinent. Its Editorials arc the pruductions of able literary men, and itsRcportsarefirni shed by first-class Short-Hand Writers. It is tho oldest established and most expensively circulated lewspa'- per in the Ottawa district, and has conseiiuently the best clai ns to advertising iv^wonage. Ottawa bein^ now the sent of Government, it is the intention ">f th. Proprietor to render the paper worthy the ])osition it has attained of a metropolitan Journal. His efforts and success iu the past aro a guarantee for the future. THg TERMS ©F SUlBSeRBPTtdM APIs The Daily Paper,— , PER TWO MONTHS, $1 00 « QUARTER, 1 50 " HALF YEAR, 3 00 « YEAR, 6 00 Payable strictly in advance. The Weekly Paper,— PER YEAR, delivered to Subscribers in the City, $1 50 If called for at the Office, 1 00 Mailed to Subscribers in the country, if paid strictly in advance, .. 1 00 Otherwise, .. .. 1 50 Rather Sharp. — A gallant gentleman of the old school in one of the street cars, tho other day give up his seat to a lady who, as is almost always the case under like circumstances, failed to make the proper acknowledgement. Standing a while after the car had moved on, he stooped ove?" as if to listen, and said to her : * What do you say, madam ?' * Nothing, sir,' was tho reply of the starting lady. * Oh,' said ho, ' excuse, me ; I thought you said thank'ee.' A Barrister having wearied tho Court by a long and dull argument, the Judge suggested the expediency of his bringing it to a close, " I shall speak as long as I please," ho replied angrily. "You have spoken longer than you please," retorted tho Judge. Hi 68 V 1 Equality. — An eccentric old gentleman being waited upon with his 8uigeon*s bill, cogitated some time over its contents, and desired the man who called with it to tell his master that the medicine he would certainly pay for ; bi^t as for the visits he had received, he should return them. \Vc have no need to go to the theatre to be made tender, ^ut among the poor and unfortunate. Nearly all beginnings are difficult and poor. At the opening of hunt the hound limps. 1^. " Boys," said a village pedagogue the other day, what is the meaning of all that noise in school? " It's Bill Sykes, sir, who is imitating a locomotive." " Come up here, William," said the schooljnaster ; if you are turned into a locomotive, it is high time you were switched off." Justice pursues the enemy of good with leaden wings, but it will lay hpl4 on him sooner or later witl^ jro^ hands. PADDY TO HIS MISTRESS. Abbab, Kitty, I love you to madness, I swear by this cross o'er and o'er— If you let me, I'll kneel down with gladness, And your beautiful self I'll adore ; The ancients, we're tould by Herodotus, Used worship to cowld statutes of stone, Then surely less guilty and odd it is. To worship the rale flesh and bone. Whe^ Paris loved Leda's fair daughter (Oh, he was the deuce ot a boy). Away from her husband he brought her To lofty and wide-streeted Troy ; But I don't intend for to carry You ever the ocean for to roam- But, d»rlin', I'd ask you^o marry, Ajid be queen of your own little home. You tell me to wait till the Shrovetide, But to waste time, you know is a sin, And always in summer the love-tide Far stronger and warmer sets in, Och I look at the birds in the bushes, I How each has a husband though coy ; Then, Kitty, away with your blushes. And ^7»ake sure of yout own }ittle boy. Babies. — Babies resemble wheat in many respects. Firstly, neither are good for much till they arrive in matjurity ; secondly, both ^re bred in the housp, and also are the flower of the family ; thirdly, both have to be cra4led ; fourthly, both are generally well trnthed before they are done with. A spinster, no beauty, nor young, nor good tempered, applied to a magistrate for advice as to how she could get rid of a troublesome suitor. *0, marry him, many b|im I" was the response, ' ^'d see him hanged first i' said she. ' Exactly,' rejoined the magistrate ; < ^ou marry him, aa T advise and t))e odds are it wil) sot be long ]before he hangs himself.* 69 Established 25 Years. (Successors to G. Mathews,) General €ngrakrs, f it|ograp|ers ^ '§xmim 115 St. Fricois law Street, opsosite the Fost Oie, TWENTT-TWO FEINTING PEESSES in the various brasT ches, with Numbering, Perforating and Gutting Machines in operation. KVERY DESCRIPTIPN QF AT THE LOWEST RATES. Maps, Plans, Bonds and Certificates of Stock, Bills of Exchange, Chequeg, Notes, Drafts and Circulars, Bill, Note and Letter Headings, in every style and size. Wedding, Visiting, and Business Cards, poats of Arms, Crests, Mqnograms an^ Book plates, in the newest styles. I)ating Presses, Seals, Door Plates, and every description .pf Die Sfpking. A LARGE SUPPLY of aU kinds of PAPER and ENVELOPES kept i^ Btopk. CRESTS, MONOGRAMS, &c., engraved and en^bossed in every colour. TWO DIPLOMAS and FIVE FIRST PRIZES awarded ajt the late Pror ylncial Exhibition. A Showman while descanting ori fhja habit? and ferocious character of the alligator, hayuig represented the one on exhibijbion to be some twenty feet in length, when in truth it was but sevpw xeet, Nick said it reminded him of the Western orator's responce to his .opponent : " That allegation is false, and the allegator knows it." 4- friend in conversation with Rogers said: " I never put my razor in hojb water, a« I fini it injures the temper of the blade." " No doubt of it," said the poet, " show me the blade that would not be out of temper if plunged into hot water." A north countryman in Scotland, returning from a fair, fell asleep by the roadside, where a pig found him, and began licking his mouth. Sawney roared out — " Wha's kissin' me now ? You see what it is to be likct amang the lasses !" 70 1 I, Why is the sitting of a navaloourtnon board ship, like the first act of the American Revolution? — Because it's a sea-session. Which is the oldest' tree known^ to man ?r—1%e eMbr tree,. of course. Why may carpenters reasonably believe there is no such thing as stone ? — Because they never taw it. When is a ship like a nobleman's wife? — When she's fastened to a pier (peer.) When your hair gets into disorder, what heathen deity should you name? — Comus (comb us.) My first I do, my second Tdo not; my whole you are? — Love-ly (lie;) Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? — Because it is easier to pnach than to practice. THE MERCHANT. Tare ant tret, Gross and met, Box and hogshead, dry and wet Ready made Of every grade- Wholesale, retail,— will you trade ? Goods for sale, Roll or bale,. Ell or quarter, yard or nail ; Eyery dye, Will you buy- None can sell as cheap as I. Thus each day Wears away, As his hair is turning grey ; O'er his books He nightly looks- Counts bis gains and bolts his locks. By and by« He will die, But the Ledger Book on high Shall unfold How he sold— How he got and used his gold ! Why are washerwometi the most unreasonable people? Because they expect soft water when it rains hard. My first is always bitter to my second; my whole is both bitter and sweet?— -Wo- man (woman.) ' ' What musical . instrument has had an honorary degree conferred upon it ?— > "Fiddle, D.D." ' Whicji is the easier to spell— twcedle-dce or tweedle-dum ? — The former, because it is spelt with mote c's. , . . .i .:>.... • ■'■^'•ww;:' 71 At a printer's festival, on Franklin's birthday, the following was tlie fifth regvlar toast . " The editor and the lawyer^— the devil is satisfied with the copy of the former, but requires the original of thse latter." • A Persian philosopher being asked by what method he had acquired so much knowledge, rc^M d, "By not being prevented by shame from asking questions respect? iug things 0* v Lich I was ignorant." What town in Ireland would an Irishman name to a fellow countryman when iij Hbe act of "flooring" him? — Down, Patrick! The man who " carries everything before him " — The waiter. A lady went out, taking her lap dog with her, which did not go before her, behind h(8r, nor on one side of her. Where then did it go? — On the other side. HEAP COFFIN MATHIAS JANNARD, MANUFACTURER OF Corner of Craig and St. Lawrence Main StreetSi Inventor of Double Grooved Air Tight MetalHc Coffins, Patented Dec. 5th, 1865. iVI. Jannard took the First Prize for Coffins at the Prpviuciqil Exhibition for C.£. beld in Montreal, September, 1865. '^Gently the dews are o'er me stealing,'* as the man said when he had five bills pr^esented to him at one time. "What flower of beauty shall I marry?" said a handsome young spendthrift to his miserly governor. To which the governor replied, with a grim smile — "Mari-gold." What is it we all frequently say we will do, and no one has ever yet done? — Stop a minute. Fblo De Se. — Verdict on an old beau's black moustache. — Dyed by his own hand. "Small thanks said In this daso what I didn't say." s to you," said a plaintiff to one of his witnesses, "for what ybu " — "Ah, sir," replied the conscientious witness, "but just thir»k of I t 72 " ^o^ pleaaant were the wild beliefs That dwelt in legends old- Alas ! to our posterity Will no such tales be told ! We jfcnow too much ; scroll after scroll Weighs down our weary shelves, Our only point of ignorance Is centered in ourselves." Thus the little minutes, Humbly though they be, Make the mighty ages * Of eternity. Thus our little errors Lead the soul away From the path of duty, Oft in sin to stray. Little deeds of kindness. Little words of love. Make our earth an Eden, Like the Heaven above. Who dies in vain Upon bis country's war-fields, and witbin The shadow of her altars f Immortal seed Deep, by heroic suffering' hath been sown On all the ancient hills ; and generous hope Knows that the soil, in its good time, shall yet Bring forth a glorious harvest? Earth receives Not one red drop, from&ithful hearts, in vain. —Mrs. ffemans. ONE HUNDRED TEARS TO COME. l)ai 8h< thi So he re] ne wa ha ■wi «tc wi Wli^o'l^ press for gold this crowded street, A hundred years to come ? Who'll tread yon church with willing feel, A hundred years to come ? Pale, trembling age a^d fiery youth, And childhood, with his brow of truth, The rich and poor, on land and sea, . Wb^re wUl the mighty millions be A hundred years to come ? We all withi^ our graves shall sleep A hundred years to come ; No living soul for UB will weep, A hundred years to come ; But other men our lands will till ; And others then our streets will fill ; And other birds will sing as gay ; And bright the sunshine as to-day, A hundred years to come. — Amen. ft » 73 Adoring. — A husband complained of his wife before a magistrate for assault and battery, and it appeared in evidence that he had pushed the door against her and she in turn had pushed it against him, whereupon the counsel for the defendant told that he could see no impropriety in a husband and wife a-doring each bther. Advice about Marriage. — A prudent and well disposed member of the Society of Friends once gave the following friendly advice : — " John," said he, " I hear thou art going to be married." " Yes," replied John, " I am." " Well,'* replied the man of drab, " I have one little piece of advice to give you, and that is never to marry a woman worth mofe thaa thou art. When I married my wife I was worth just fifty shillings, and she was worth sixty-two ; and When any difference has occurred between us since she alwayt< throws up the odd shillings." Got an Awful Cowld. — Two Irishmen in crossing a field, came in contact with a donkey, who was making "day hideous" with his unearthly brayilng. Jemmy «tood a moment in astoTiishment, but turning to Pat, who seemed as much enraptured with the song as himself, remarked — " It's a fine Wge ear that bird has for music Pat, but sure he's got an awful cowld." ti. h ROBERT W. BOYD, 58 St. Francois Xavier Street, MONTREAL. A prominent bachelor remarked to a lady that soap-stone was excellent to keep feet warm in bed. " Yes," said the young lady, who had been an attentive listener, " but some gentlemen hate an improvement on that which you know nothidg about." The bachelor turned pale and maintained a wistful silence. A lover wrote to a lady who rejected him, saying that he intended id retire '' to some secluded spot and breathe away his life in sighs." To which the lady replied, by inquiring whether they were to be medium or large siae. The man has not since been heard of. Bankrupt Law ExI^lained. — " Sambo, what is your opitiion ob that bankrupt law?'"—" Tink him fust rate, Pompoy; " I apply for de application myself." " Just explain him principles." "Why you see here, now ; just lend me that half doll; : you got for whitewashing." Pompey hands him the money and Sambo deliberately puts it into his pocket. " Dere den," says Sambo, " now, I owes de shoemaker tree shilling, and you a half dollar besides de grdctir's bill ; I divide him according to de debt." Pompey--" I take the half dollar back." Sambo (with amazement)— " Do you tink dis child green? I'm a bankrupt, you get yours wid the oder creditors !" m \m ■tt,( 74 What time is.that which, ^pelt backwards and forwards, is the same ?— i^oon* Why is England Uk« Japan? — Because it worships yellow sovereigns. Why ai'e billiard players like cats ? — Because they frequently make " scratches." When may a inatt be said to swallow cause and effect ? — When he drinks gin and — bitters. Why are birds in sptln* like a banking establishment ? — Because they are pro- missory notes, and rejoice \men the branches are flourishing. Why is vice like personal property ? — Because it can always be willed away. Why is a jest like a fowl ! — Because it contains a merry-thought. Why is a lady who flirts with every man she meets like a person whose skin cracks in cold Weather 1 — Because she is liable to have had^chaps on her hands. Why is a pudding like a siege 1 Because fire and batter are necessary for both. THE FIRST JUBILEE BETWEEN ENGLAND AND FRANCE. We have dashed together like waves and rcteks, We have fought till our shirts grew red ; We have met in the shuddering battle shocks, Where none hut the freed soul fled, Now side by side, in the fields of fate. And shoulder to shoulder are we, And yet know, by the grip of our hands in hate, What .tiie strength Ojf our love may be, ^' ' Ohithelilies'ofFranceandoldEngland'sredrose Are twined in a coronal now. Gerald Massky. A TOUCHSTONE FOR THE TIMES. MinAs (we re&d,) with wondrous art, of old, Whate'er lie touched at pnce transformed to gold, This, modern statestnen can reverse with ease, Touch them with gold, they'll turn to what you please. " What are you going to give me for a Christmas present 1" asked a merry damsel of a poor, but good young man, who meekly replied that he had nothing to offer but his hutnble self! " The smallest favors gratefully received," was the cheerful res- ponse. Why is a very angry man like 59 minutes past 12 ? Because he is just ready to strike one. Why is an Irishman turning over in the snow like a mounted policeman ? Be- cause he is pat-rolling. Why is a petroleum dealer like an epicur6 1 Because he lives on the fat of the land. A fijie $vouian is like a locomotive, because she draws a ^rain after her, scatters the epnrksj, nnd transports the males. It I 75 Notwithstandiog all the fuss that is made about the tel^aph, lightning communi- cations, like ordinary letters, go from post to post. L^' If a lady yawns half a dozen times in succession, young man, you may get x'l your hat. They say all Ireland is going to America, and we can easily believe it, for a "Cove of Cork" may doubtless be seen in New York at any time. In some instances ladies who can scarcely lisp out "Yes'* when they are married, learn to say "No" pretty glibly afterwards. Boiling the Mate. — "Are you the mate?" said a man to the Irish cook of « vessel lying in port. "No," said he, " but I'm the man that boils the mate (mate.") PABRI QUE DE CERCUEHS A BON MA RCHE. M A.THIi^S J^NN A.IID, FABBIQUANT DE ii l\ n a Au Coin des Rues Craig et St. Laurent, Inventeur des Cercueils M^talKques 'herm^tiquement fermes k doubles rainures, br^vot^s le 5 d^cembre, 1865. M. Jannard k renport^ le premier pour des Cercueils k I'Exposition Provinciile If a speculator " misses his aim," everybody cries out "he is a fool," and some- times " he is a rogue." If he succeeds they besiege his door and demand his daughter In marriage. " Sambo, can you tell me in what building In Scarboro' people are moat likely to take cold ?" " Why, no, me strange in de town, and cah't tell dat." « Weil, I will tell you. It is de bank." "Howisdat?" " Because dare are so many drafts in it." " Dat is good ; but can yoiji tell me, sah, what made dare be so many drafts in it ?" "No." " Because so many go dere to raise the wind. Yah ! yah ! yah !" Common, ijiot VulqaRj — Sir Walter Scott once happening to hear his daughter Anneeay of something that it was vulgar, gave tho young lady the following temper- : ate rebuke : — " My love, you speak like a very young lady. Do ydu know, after all, the meaning of this word vulgar ? 'Tis only common. Nothing that his common, ex- cept wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of in atone of contempt ; and when you have lived to my years, you Mrill be disposed to agree with me in ^thanking God th^t nor thing really worth having or caring about in this world is uncommon." When is a cigar like an old maid ? — When there is uo match fbr it. ¥fhen i)9 a tourist in Ireland like a donkey ? — When he's going to Bra^f so ' I SONG— THOU'RT GANE AWA'. Tlioii'rt gane awa', thou'rt awa', Far, far frac hame and me, Mary ; Thou'Bt left thy lover here to fa' A prey to lovo for thee, Mary. Aft, aft I seek thy place o' rest,— Thy grave, the hame o' me, Mary ; And ch I the wish springs from my breast. That I were there wi' thee, Mary. I wander o'er the scenes so dear, Where we hae strayed before Mary ; But sad and dolefu' walls I hear. For thou art there no more, Mary I Nor can I sound the artless strains, I've sung sac aft wi' thee, Mary ; For only sorrow's sighs and pains And tears arc left to me, Mary. Though gane awa', gane far awa', To realms beyond the sky, Mary, Still lest thy lover here may fa', Oh I bend a guidin' eye, Mary ! And see him dowle at he grieves, And sighs soon to be free, Mary ; And hear him hail the hour he leaves This world fbr Heaven and thee, Mary. Rather Hard. — An irreverent modern French writer says : — " A pliysician pres- cribing to a sick man alwaji reminds me of a child snuffing a candle — it is ten to one but he snuffs it out.'' " FIix !" said a hUmorous Irishman the other day in the petroleum diggings, " ye may call Amerikey a contenent if ye plaze, but to my thinkin', it's a beautiful oil-land (island). Hand and Heart. — An old maid is nldre liberal than a young ode. The latter * tbAy always be willing to lend you a hand ; the former will give you one, and thank you tdtt. Koi" Difficult to Please. — ^' I always sing to please Ihyself," said a gentleman, who was humming a tune in company .-^" Then you're not at dll difficult to please/' said a lady, who sat next him. A Minister's Mistake. — A yonng gentleman of eighty-foHr, having taken to the' altiir a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, " The font is at the other end Of the church, sir." — What do I want with the (but f ' asked the happy groom. — " Oh, I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit," I thought you brought the child her^ to be christened." . A poet carried some versus to a critic, and desired his opinion of their merit. After heading them, the critic observed — " My dear sir, these lines need Are." And hei threw them into the grate. Why are books the best friends ?— Because when they bore yoUj you can always ?«hut them t^ without offence. 81 Q^A lomonless Irishman was observed one evening slicing a potato into a hot whiskey toddy. ' Why, what are you about ?' inquired Charley. * It's punch I'm makin, dear I quietly replied Pat. ' But why are you slicin.' that in?' * To give it a flavor.' * What ! a potato flavor ?' ' Sure, and isn't a flavor a flavor, whether it's lemon or pitaty ?' The Steeple.- -On one occasion, Curran was associated with a barrister, who was remarkably tall and slender, and who had originally intended to take holy orders. The judge who presided observed that the case under consideration involved a question of ecclesiastical law. — *' Then," said Curran, '* I can refer your lordship to a high authority behind me, who was once intended for the church, though" — in a whis- per to a friend behind him — '' in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."" The Worst. — A leather medal having been offered for the worst possible conun- drum, the prize was unhesitatingly awarded to the following, selected from several hundreds sent in : — " Why is the rascality like the breast of a fowl ? — Because it is a piece of eliioaney tan prea- Q to one ki\m At « The ladies -the a batohelor's party the other evening, a guest gave a toast, " T sweet-briars in the garden of life." Being asked what authority he had for calling them briars, he replied that a friend of his who had a very sweet-looking wife had informed him privately that she was a thorn in his side. — Dr. Johnson once dined with a Scottish |ady who had hotchpotch for dinner. Jitter the doctor had tasted it she asked him if it was good. " It is good for hogs, jpna'm," said the doctor. " Then, pray," said the lady, " let me help you to a little more.'* • : ». The pious and eloqi^ent Jeremy Taylor, Bishop of Down, said one day to a lady of his acquaintance, who had been very neglectful of the education of her son, " Madam, if you do not choose to fill your son's head with something, believe me the devU will." If a woman weeps readily, it is a sign she has a tender he^rt ? — There couldn't be a better cr;y-teary-V"t (criterion.) . 82 II ! 14 A Match fob a QuEEN.-r-After Sir Paul Methuen had quitted court, Queen <;)aroline, who ^thought she had a talent for joking, frequently saw him when she dined in company, during the king's absence at Hanover. Once, when she dined with La- dy Walpole at Chelsea, Sir Paul was there as usual. People that play off their wit upon others, generally harp upon the same string. The queen's constant topic for teasing Sir Paul was his passion for romances, and he was weary of it, and not in good humojiur with her. " Well, Sir Paul," s^id the queen, " what romance are you reading wow ?"^ — "None, Madam; I have gone through them all." — "Tl^ell, what are you' reading, then?" — " I have got into a Very foolish study, madam — the history of the kings and queens of England^'' Well Matched. — Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the common size; was one day accosted in a public coffee-room, by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, ** May I pass to my seat, Giant" ? When the doctor, politely making way, replied, *♦ Pass, Pigmy! '' — " Oh! sir," said the baronet, " my expression alluded to the size of your intellect." — " And my expression, sir," said the doctor, " to the size of ^ours." Don't Attempt it. — Did the Mississippi dry with a teaspoon — twist your heel into the toe of your boot — send up fishing^hooks with balloons and fish for stars — get astride a gossamer and chase a comet — when a rain storm is coming down like the cataract of Niagara, remember where you^ left yqur umbrella^— in short prove every thing hitherto considered impossible to be possible — but never attempt to coax a wo- man to say she will when she has made up her mind to say she won't. Bepartee, — I once heard Lord Brandlands, who was a fast man, ask dear old Mr. Justice Mellow, of convivial memory, if there was any truth in that old saying, " As sober as a judge." It was a good hit, and we all laughed heartily at it. " It is per- fectly true," replied the judge, " as most of those old saws are.. They are character- istic, at least ; for sobriety is the attribute of a judge, as inebriety is of a nobleman. Thus we say, * As sober as a judge,' and ' As drunk as a Lord.' " A Lawyer's Question Answered. — ^' What did he say ? Come, give us his witness. " I do not are afraid to answer drive you into a close comer. Gome, out with it, and none of your shrinking here." " I should rather be excused," said the witness. " Then I shall appeal to the court to commit you for oontempt," said the lawyer. *' Well, sir, if I must answer," said the witness, " he told me this morning that he had no money." " Why, sir, what language did he use ?'* Why, I asked him to lend me half a crown, and he said he couldn't, for you lawyers had robbed him of every penny of his money, and if he didn't get out of your clutches very soon, his children would starve." ■,..1 . Which sea would a man like to be in on a wet day ?— Adriatic (a dry attic.) What is cabbage ? — A plant popular among tailors with large families. Why is a barrister like a upon his standing at the bar. retail liquor dealer? — Because his business depends . Why is a portrait painter commencing a portrait, like the House of Commons prc^ paring to vote on a iiisolution ? — Because he his ready to take the eye? and nose. 83 Why is your dinner after you have eaten it like city property?,— Because it bdongs to the corporation. , Why should tourists, intending to visit the Dublin exhibition, take with them their mutton, honey and eggs? — Because there is only one u (ewe,) one 6 (bee,) and one n (hen) in the whole city. Why is a railway train the exact reverse of an army?-^Because it generally has the van at its rear. What two counties in Ireland, would you suppose to be lighter than the rest? — Cork and Down. What county in Ireland would' suggest the idea of a shuffling, underhanded trick? —Sligo (sly-go.) 58 ST. FRAHOOIS XATCER STBEET, /^aiild, ^liculald, /^LLL ^euds, ^at'eLs, and eaeit^ atfici dcA.-^ EXECUTED WITH PUNCTUALITY AND AT MODERATE CHARGES. f*.i , The Fee Simple. — A lawyer's; Epitaph on an Old Maid. — A las& — too late ! Notice op Motion. — The railway whistle. Sidereal. — A pretty girl who walks out with her lover on starlight nights will be apt to learn something of the sigh-deari/'all system. The Best Kind op Servant for Hotels. — ^/nn-experienced. Rare. — Lodging house lady: "Do you like meat rare, sir ? New lodger : ' m blades, A Rrady Answer. — Ono day. a labouring brick-layer was called as a witness, in an action, before Chiof-Justice l^llenborough. VV^Iien he came up to be sworn, his lordship said to him," Really, witness when you have to appear before this coiiit, it is your bounden duly to be moru clean and decent in your appoarence." — " Upon my life," replied the witness," if your lurtNliip comes to that, i'm thinkino^ Tin every bit as well- dressed as your lordsiiip." — •• iiow do you mean ?" ^^aiu the jnd:;e, angrily. — " VVhy, faith," said the labourer, •' vyou come here in you:* '-"'orking clothes, and I'm come in Ntt/iO. ?J 86 THE SLEEPING CHILD. !l A brook went dancing on its way, From bank to valley leaping, And by its sunny margin lay A loving infant sleeping, The murmur of the purpling stream Broke not the spell which bound him. It is a lovely sight to view Within this world of sorrow One spot which still retains the hyc That earth from heaven may borrow ; And such was this, a scene so fair, Arrayed in summer brightness, And one pure being feasted there — One soul of radient whiteness. What happy dreams, fair child, are given To cast their sunshine o'er thee ? What cord unites that soul to heaven Where visions guide before thee ? For wandering dreams of cloudless mirth O'er thy glad features beaming, Say not a thought, — a form of earth — Alloys thine hour of dreaming ! Mayhap, afar on unseen wings, Thy silent spirit soaring, Now hears the burst of golden strings. Where angels are adoring. And with the pure angelic throng Around their maker praising, Thy joyous heart may join the song Ten thousand tongues are raising I Leigh Hunt. It appears that '' Thackeray's Maguinc," in London, paid the Poet-Laureate of England, Tennyson, sixteen hundred dollars for a poem, and tlic following two verse« are just one half of it, or eight hundred dollars worth : — " What does little birdie say, la her nest at peep of day ? Let me fiy, says little birdie. Mother, let me fiy away, Birdie rest a little Icnger, Till thy little wings are stronger ; So she rests a littbi longer, Then she flies away. " What does little baby say, In her bed at peep of day ? Baby saye like little birdie, Let me rise and haste away. Baby, sleep a little longer. Until his little legs get stronger, And, after waiting like the birdie, Baby, too, shall fly away." What is the difference between a crockery dealer and a cabinet-maker ? teasets, and the other eotteca. One sellc 87 The sword of reproof should be drawn against the offence, and not against the offender. It must be lamented, that many arc as \o?t to the softest tongue of reproof as the deaf adder is to the sweet voico of tlie cliarmor; they are always administering the bitter pills of calumny for the sweet cordials of charity. It is the content which accompanies our fortune that renders us truly happy. Often our ambition binds us to the fact that, at the starting point, we leave behind us all the treasures we seek in the far-off jail. A hypocritical scoundrel in xVthons inscribed over his door, '' Let no evil enter liere." Diogenes wrote under it, " How does the owner get in." i^ ■S 3: ' CITY BILL POSTER, 15 Herrairio Street •t^jm y '-''^H—K :^i sW-if. cess Cards and Programmes, will ])o the city and surrounding country. Begs to return thanks for past favors, and soli- cits a share of public patronage. All orders for Bill Pasting, the distribution of Circulars, Busi- executed faithfully and with despatch, both iu Bells " Sam, why am members of Parliament like de fishes ?'' — "• I don't medd|e wid de subjec,' Pomp." " Well, don't you see nigga, because dey am so fond of debate.'' Lord ^ vtham, who was almost as remarkable' for his manners as for his eloquence and public spirit, has thus dcliucd good breeding : " Benevolence in trifles, or the preference of others to oiirselvcf in the little daily ocourreuces of life." If a girl thinks more of her heels than her head, depend upon it, she will tievor amount to much. Brains which settle in (ho shoes never got above them. Young ^cntkx-nou will please put this down. i. 88 y That young man to whom the world "owes a living" has been turned out of doors — his landlady not being willing to take the indebtedness of the world on her shoulders. A shrewd little fellow, who had just began to read Latin, astonished the master by the following translation : " Fir, a man, gin^ a trap — virgin, man-trap. Once, in a debate on the army, a succession of speakers had rung the changes on the stock argument that we were not a military nation. " No," retorted Lord Palmerston, " we are not a military people, but depend upon it we are a fighting people," And the House rang with cheers on all sides. Sheridan had a very convenient formula for acknowledging all the new publica- tions sent hiui ; " Dear Sir, I have received your exquisite work, and have no doubt I shall be highly delighted — after I have read it." The song of the wife, whbse stingy husband is away abroad, and Tefu^es to send her any remittances, " Thou art so near and yet so far." '< When I talk seriously to you," said a parson to his hearers, "you fall asleep, but wen; T to bring a fool here to talk nonsense, you would be all attention." A hdj, ery fond of her husband, notwithstanding his ugliness of person, once said to 1" "^gers the poet, " What do you think ? — my husband has laid out fifty guiti':!as tbr a baboon on purpose to please me." " The dear little man," replied Kogers, ■' 't's just like him." An Irssii lawyer addressed the court as " gentlemen," instead of " your honors." After he had concluded, a brother of the bar reniindetl him of hi? error. He im- mediately rose to apologize thus: — ^* May it please the coort, in the hate of debate, I called your honors gentlemen. I made a mistake, your honors." A gentleman seeing an Irishman fencing in a very barren and desolate piece of land, said, " What are you fencing in that lot for, Pat ? a flock of sheep would starve to death on that land." " And sure, your honor, wasn't I fencing it to kape the ^or bastes out iv it ?" replied l*at. A "creature" being a^ked by a lady the other evening if he loved oysters, replied: " My dear madam, my love for oysters amounts to a few raw " (furore.) There is no greater obstacle in the way of success in life than trusting for some- thing to tu'"" up. instead of going to work and turning up something. Why is a fuel like twenty hunuisd w^i .'ht? Because he's a gimple-ton. What corns are the least troublesome 1 Acorns. Why is an author the most peculiar of animals.? Because his tale comes out of his head. ■ AVhat is that which every one can divide, ^nt no one can see where it has been divided? Water. At what time of life may a man be said tu belong to the vegetable kingdom 1 W^hcn long experience has luad-j him sage. ,1 i^Su^d' 89 Here is a fifty-year old jeu d'esprit that is quite 'as good as new.' A rich old gentleman, of the name of Gould, married a girl not yet out of her 'teens.' After the wedding he wrote the following couplet, to inform a friend of the happy event : " You see, my dear doctor, Though eighty years old, A girl of nineteen Fell in love with old Gould 1" To which the doctor replied : ' " A girl of nineteen May love Gould, it is true ; But believe me, dear sir, It is gold without u I" Not unlike this was the retort of the young lady to an aged lover whose name was Page. He found one of the damsel's gloves, and returned it with these lines : " If from your glove you take the letter g. Then glove is love, which I devote to thee." She answered : " If from your name you take the letter P, Then the page is age and that wont do for me." In 1358 it was enacted that " no lady or knight's wife sliould have more than one velvet or damask gown for the summer ; that all ladies should wear russet or cam- let three days in the week under penalty of ten shillings per day ; and that a surveyor should examine the ladies' wardrobe.'' Just fancy such a surveyor in these days I What is the difference between a crockery dealer and a cabinet-maker ? One sells tea-sets, and the other settees. Why is a thief your only true philosopher ? — 'Because he regards everything from an abstract point of view, is opposed to all notions of protection, and is open to convic- tion. Why are lazy people's beds too short for them ? — They are too long in them. Why are washerwomen foolish? — They expect to catch soft water when it rains hard. What belongs to yourself, and is used by everyone more than by yourself? — Your name. Why is a very angry man like 59 minutes past 12? — Because he is just ready to strike one. — What root does Iced punch resemble ? — Liquor-ice, of •ourse. How should a lover go into his fair one's house ? Always with a ring and never without a rap. Why is a man's chin the most unlucky part of his body? — Because it is coastantly getting into scrapes. 1)0 A SNAKE IN THE GLASS. f RE HORRORS OF DELIRIUM TRSMRNS. Come, listen awhile to me my lad, Come, listen to me for a spell I Let that terrible drum For a moment be dumb, / For your uncle it going to tell What befell A youth who loved liquor too well. A clever young man was he my lad^ And with beauty uncommonly blessed. Ere with brandy and wine He began to decline, And behaved like a pefson posKPsaed ; I protest The Temperance plan is the best. One evening he went to a tavern, my lad. He went to a tavern one night, " And drinking too much Rum, brandy, and such, The chap got exceedingly " tight," And was quite What your aunt would entitle a " fright." The fellow fell into a snooze, my lad ; 'Tis a horrible slutober he takes- He trembles with fear. And acts very qileer. My eyes how he sliivers and shakes When he wakes, And raves about horrid great snakes t 'T is a warning to you and me, my lad j A particular caution to all — Though no one can see The viper but he — To hear the poor lunatic bawl, " How they crawl 1 All over the floor and wall I" Next morning he took to his bed, my lad, Next morning he took to his bed. And he never got up To dine or sup. Though properly physicked and bled ; Ahd I read Next day the poor fellow was dead. You've hoard of the snake in the grass, my lad ! Of the viper concealed in the grass ; But now you must know, Man's deadliest foe Is a snake of a dili'erent class ; Alas t— 'Tit the viper that lurks in the glass. J. G. Saxb. Wlby docs a cat run after a mouse t — Because the mouse runs away frbm the cati 91 Why is a blackjmith like a safe steed ? — Because one is a horse shoer and the other is a sure horse. Why is the letter t like your nose? — Because it goes before you [u]. What is most lice a draw bet? — Queeu Elizabeth's portrait. How many logs has a horse .? — Ten, two fores [fours] and two behind. Why are the poker, shovel, and tongs, like the order of the Garter? — Because they are appendages to the great [grate.] What is the principal difference between the swallow and the cat? — It is an admit- ted fact that one swallow does not make a summer, but one cat can make a spring. 5am, why am de hogs de most intelligent folks in de world ? Cause dey nose eberything. Why is a convalescent dyspeptic like a reprieved criminal ? Because he can'tJie-jest yet. It is an ancient conundrum, "Why is Queen Elizabeth more remarkable than the Falls of Niagara ? Because they are a wonder, but she was a Tudor P But here is an improvement on it : — A Norfolk farmer built himself a homestead, and instead of one " half-door'' in the middle, set a door in each wing. Being asked why he called his house " Elizabethian," he replied, " Because, you see, it is a Tudor (two-door) cottage." An Irishman who lives with a vegetarian, writes to a friend that if he wants to know what illigant living is, he must come to his house,, where the breakfast consists of nothing and the supper of what was left at breakfast. Knowledge cannot he acquired without pains and application. It is troublesome, and like deep digging for pure water ; but when once you come to the spring, they rise up and meet you. The great secret of avoiding disappointment is not to expect too much. Despair follows immediate hojie as things fall hardest to the ground that have been nearest to the sky. Love one human being purely and warmly, and you will be likely to love all. The heart, in this heaven, like the wandering sun, seca nothing, from the dewckop to the ocean, but a mirror, wliich it warms and fills. A lady who painted her face asked Parsons how he thought she looked. ' I can't tell, madam,' he replied, 'except you uncooer your face. A Frenchman cannot pronounce'- ship." The word i^ounds " sheep " in his mouth. Seeing an iron-clad, he said to a boy," Ish dish a war sheep ?" " No," replied the boy," it's a rain " — Milton was as-ked," How is it that in some countries a king is allowed to take his place on the throne at fourteen years of agii, but may not marry until he is eighteen .''" " Because," said the poet," it is easier to govern a kingdom than a woman." o:i Why is a stove like an old smoker 1 Because it cannot do without a pipe. Why is an active waiter like a race horse 1 Because ho runs lor the plate. What is that which a man may have never possessed, and yet leave behind himi A will. "Pa, they tell us about the angry ocean; wlu:t makes the ocean an^ry? "Oh, it has been crossed so often." A lady walking a few days since on the promenade at Bri<.':litoi!. asked a sailor whom she met, why a ship was called a "she"?" The son of iSeptune ungallantly replied, that it was because the darn rigging cost so much. Why is a cannon ball on a level plain like a lump of baker's dough T Because when fired it generally ends in a roll. Why is an Irishman turning over in the snow like a mounted policeman ? lie is pat^roUing. Why is it unlikely that an omnibus will be struck by lightning 1 Because it always has a coiiductor. What man wants — all he can get. What woman wants — all she can't get. Upon what line have the greatest number of accidents happened 1 On the C. R, I. N. 0. Line. — Punch. What would be an appropriate exclamation on finding a hole in your stocking ? Dam it. Why is an unwelcome visitor like a shady tree ? Bef'.ause we are glad when he leaves. Why is a bridegroora at the altar like a sailor ? Because he's a marr'in her. What is the greatest stand ever made for civilization 1 The ink-stand. When is a steamboat like a witness in a trial ? When it is bound to a-pier. Dr. Thompson took occasion to exhort his man David, who was a na'jiesake of his (Own, to abstain from excessive drinking, otherwise he would bring his grey hairs pre- maturely to the grave. "Take my advice David" said the minister, " and never take more than one glass at a time." " Neither I do sir" said David ; "neither I do ; but I care unco little ho'iv short the time be between the two." — For what do you wink at me sir ?" said a beautiful young lady, angrily, to a stranger at a party. " I beg pardon, madanj," ivplied the wit, " I winked as men do looking at the sun— your splendor dazzled my eyes." — Sir Isaac Newton's nephew was a clergyman. When he had performed the mar- riage ceremony for a couple he always refused the fee, saying, " Go your ways, poor Wretches, I have done you mischief enough already." When is a cat like a tea-pat ? When you're teas in' it (tea's in it. ) it 08 ThoWgh we truvcl the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not. A man iiitiy be known by tliroc things — by his conduct iu money matters; by his beluxvior at table ; by his demeanor when angry. Witli every child we lose we see deeper into life, as with every added lens we pierce farther into the sky. Where real true fortitude dwells, loyalty, bounty, friendship and fidelity may be found. L M. L wmim '3 Designer and Engraver on Wood, PLACE D'ARMES CHAMBERS, PLACE D'ARMES, It is the ordinary way of the woi4d to keep folly at the helm and wit under the hatches. Old Men. — They are indeed long shadows and their evening sun falls coldly on the earth ; but they all point toward morning. — likhtor. We celebrate nobler obsequies to those we love by drying the tears of others than by shedding our own ; and the fairest funeral wreath we cau hang on their tomb ii feiot so fair as a fruit oflFering of good deeds. — Jean Paul. m ^>. "^^4^. •^^.^y^^?- .0^.. \'^<^ Ta 7. ^J" '> ^^ 7 IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) 1.0 1.1 ■i&12.8 1 2.5 |50 ^^" ■■■ itt Itt 12.2 ^ |i£ 12.0 PhotDgraphic SdHices Corporation -<^ .^""JsT.^ 23 WIST MAIN STRUT WnSTER.N.Y. 14S80 (716)S73-4S03 94 FonteuUe, being asked one day by a lord waiting at Versailles, what difference there was between a clock and a woman, instantly replied: — '* A clock serves to point out the hours, and a woman to make us forget them." If the sun could speak, what would it say to a budding rose?— You be blowed. CHINESE MAXIMS. Good sayings are like pearls strung together, inscribe theni on the walls of your dwelling and regard Ihem night and day as wholesome admonitions. The cure of ignorance is study, as meat is that of hunger. Petty distinctions are injurious to rectitude ; quibbling words violate right season. In learning, age and youth go for nothing ; the best informed takes the precedence. Let every man sweep the snow from before his own doors, and not trouble himself -about the frost on his neighbour's tiles. By learning, the sons of the common people become public ministers ; without learn- ing, the sons tsf public ministers become mingled with the mass of the people. A gentleman, hearing that two of his female relations had quarrelled, inquired, « Did they call each other ugly 1"—" No."—" Or old 1"—" No."— « Well, well I shall soon make them good friends." The celebrated Henderson, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who not keeping his temper, ^hrew a glass of wine in his face. Mr. Henderson took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and coolly said, " That, sir, wos a digression ; now for the argument" Budseus, one of the most learned men of the sixteenth century, was engaged in deep study in his library, when his servant came running to him in a great fright, to tell him the house was on fire. " Go,'' said he, with perfect calmness, and hardly raising his «yes from his book, " and inform your mistress ; 'tis her concern, you know I never interfere in domestic matters." It is common to speak of those whom a ilirt jilted as her victims. This is a grave error. Her real victim is the man whom she accepts. This reminds us of a simile : ** A coquette is a rose from whom every lover plucks a leaf ; the thorn remains for the future husband." It was said by that remarkable man, " Life is short, and why should speeches be longt" A German writer says a young girl is a fishing rod — the eyes are the hook — the smile the bait — the lover the gudgeon, and marriage the batter in which he is fried. An elderly lady, telling her age, remarked that she was born on the 22nd April. Her husband, who was present, observed, * I always thought you were born on the Jirst of Ajiril.' People may well judge so, responded the matron, in the choice 1 made of a liusl>nnd ! • • . there It out your 95 No .luDGK. — A learned judge, who shall be nameless, while trying a case during; the last circuit, saw just in front of him a person wearino; a hat, and desired one of the officers 10 make that man either take off his hat or leave the court. "• Your honour,'* said the supposed offender, who turned out to he a lady in a riding habit and beaver, " I am no man !" — ^* Then," said his honour, " I am no judge." *' If you ever think of marrying a widow," said an anxious parent to an heir, 'select one whose first husband was hung ; as that is the only way to prevent throw his memory into your facCj and making annoying coinparsons." " Even tiiat won't prevent it," exclaimed a crusty old bachelor,'' she'll praise him by saying that hanging would be too good for you." A " Green" Islander. — In a crhninal court, the council, dissatisfied with his want of success with an Irish witness, complained to the court. Paddy replied *' Shure, an' I'm no lawyer, yer honour, and the spalpane only wants to puzzle me." — " Come, now, do you swear you are no lawyer 1" said the council. — " Faix, an' I do ; and yez may sweur the same about yourself, too without fear of perjury." PITT. Tin- wounds that pain and griuf havo made An; si-ldom cured by laughter ; Wlio litiH not fflt the dreadful blade As deep the moment after ? But pity from the lips we lovo Is Friendship's best endeavor ; And, like the rain-drop from above, Makes all look fresh as ever. EPIGRAM. " These boots were never made for me ; They are too short by half. I want them high enough, d'yee sec. To cover all the calf. " " I see," said Last, with stifled laugh, To niter them I'll try, But if they cover all tlie calf They must be six feet high."' ;_A certain clergyman preached from the text : " Adam, where art thouT recently, and divided his discourse intp. " where they ought not to b^. find themselves where they* « l*m attached to you,'wi()>et i;W.W#fIa^*y»'* ^slthtv pwrloaded donkey said to the cart. * ' " •• *..•'./;..: :•.:.„ The oldest piece of furniture is the multiplication " table." It was constructed more than a thousand years ago, and it is as good as new. A man's best fortune — or his worst — is his wife. A couple were censured for going to the country houses without an invitation. 'Don't be hard on them,' was his sugge.stion. ' for if they waited to he invited, they might go nowhere.' 96 Let days pass on, nor count how many swell The episode of life's hack chronical : • ' ' Changed the abode, of late so stem and drear, How doth the change speak, « Love hath entered here." How lightly sounds the footfall on the floor, How jocund rings sweet laughter, hiish'd no more ; Wide from two heiirts made happy, wide and far Circles the light in which they breathe and are, Liberal as noontide streams the ambient ray, And fills each crevice in the world with day. Sir E. B. Ltttok. EPIGRAM— ON WOMEN. Women were born, so fate declares, To smooth our linen and our cares. And 'tis but just, for by my troth. They're very apt to ruffle botli. The New Bonnet. — The new half-handkercliief style of bonuct is thus described in a contemporary : — " A sort of cup to catch the hair. Leaving the head to ' go it bare,' A striking example of nothing to wear, Is this bonnet abomination." Again :~- " It makes a woman look brazen and bold, Assists her catching nothing but cold ; It is bad on the young, ahsurb on the old. And deforms what it ought to deck." A Graveyard Inscription. — The following inscription has been copied from a gravestone in Essex : " Here lies the man Richard, and Mary his wife ; her surname was Prichard, they Jived without strife and the reason was plain— They abounded in riches. They had no care or pain. And his wife wore the breeches I" Thou poor leaf so sear and frail, Sp«rt of every wanton gale. Whence, and whither dost thou fly Through this bleak autumnal sky ? . , Cn a ij«bl*{>»k*J ^I'ei^^j ! '•'•;*": . nveen, and t)iWi, ftnd ^ir to yiew > ,! . J}ui.th"e»hionarch of tVe s'hade . 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