IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) I 1.0 }^^ 1^ 1.1 S us 120 1^ IIj^ v [|UI*^lr:il ^ScSices Carporation <«^ S9 WMT MAM STMH WIMTN.N.V. UttO (71*)I71<4S09 '^ CIHM/ICMH Microfiche Series. CIHIVI/ICMH Collection de microfiches. Canadian Instituta for Historical IMicroraproductiont / Institut Canadian da microraproductiont hiatoriquaa 6^ Tachnical and Bibliographic Notas/Notaa tachniquas at bibliographiquaa Tha Inatituta has attamptad to obtain tha batt original copy availabia for filming. Faaturaa of thia copy which may ba bibliographically uniqua. which may altar any of tha imagaa in tha raproduction. or which may significantly changa tha usual mathod of filming, ara chackad balow. 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Lee diegrammee suivanta IHuatrant le mAthode. 1 ' 2 3 32X 12 3 4 5 6 ^^ BONN'S STANDAND LIBNARY. Mfl^f-'y^ BLEOAJITLT PKIMTBD, AKD B0IT5D IV CIX>Tn, AT 38. 6D. PKB VOL. '^ 1. THE MISCELLANEOUS WORKS AND REMAINS OF THE REV. ROBERT HALL, with Memoir by UK.GtBQOBV, an Essay on hii cluncter liy John t'osTBB. )^(:)i-'--^ 2 ii 3. ROSCOE-S UFE AND PONTIFICATE OF LEO X. EDITED BY HIS SON, ""' ' with the C<)|iynKht Notes, AppcndiCM, and Historical Documents, the Episoda on Lucretia Borj^m, an Index, anu 3 Ant Fortrmitt, complete in 3 vols. 4 8CHLEGELS LECTURES ON THE PHILOSOPHY OF HISTORY, TRANS- lated from the Uermau, witii a Memoir of the Author, by J. B. Kobcktsor, £mJ> 6 4 0. SISMONDIS HISTORY OF THE LITERATURE OF THE SOUTH OP EUKUi'E, tnuiHlated by Knscoic. Coiiiplctc in ;! >uls PurtraiU. 7. ROSCOE-S LIFE OF LORENZO DE MEDICI. CALLED THE MAGNIFICENT, inrludinK the Copyriglit NuU-i and illustnttiun*, new Memoir by his Sou. e. SCHLEGELS LECTURES ON DRAMATIC LITERATURE, TRANSLATED BY Mb. Hlacb, of the MoniiiiK Cliniiiicle. New Edition, ciirefully revised from tbd last Qerman Edition by A. J. \V. Mdibison. With Memoir and Portrait. 0. BECKMANNS HISTORY OF INVENTIONS, DISCOVERIES, AND ORIGINSw Fourth Edition, citrefully rrviM'ols. Vol. I. 10. SCHILLER S HISTORY OF THE THIRTY YEARS WAR AND REVOLT OP THE NETIIEKL.\M)S,tr;inslaltul by A. J. W. Mobbison. Portrait. n. BECKMANNS HISTORY OF INVENTIONS. VOL. 2. Portrait ofJamn Wall^ 12. SCHILLERS WORKS, VOL. 2, CONTAINING, CONTINUATION OF "THE Revolt of the NetheriaodSi" " Wullenttein's Cainpi" " The Piccolomiui;" «Tlie Death of Wallenstein;" and " Wilhulm Tell." With Portrait of Walltniteim. 13. MEMOIRS OF THE UFE OF COLONEL HUTCHINSON. BY HIS WIDOW 1,1'CYi to which is now llrst added iin "Account of the 8icge of Lathom Uousr." U. MEMOIRS OF BENVENUTO CELLINI, WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. NOW first i-ollated with the new Text of Guiseppe MoUui, and enlarged. By Roscot:. 16. COXES HISTORY OF THE HOUSE OF AUSTRIA, FROM THE FOUNDA* tion of the .Monarchy by Rodolnh of Uupsburvb, to the Death of Leopold 11., l:}lil— 1703, complete in 3 vols. Vol. L Portrmt of tk* Bmpnor ManmiRtm. LANZIS HISTORY OF PAINTING. A REVISED TRANSLATION BY Thomas KoscoE, complete in 3 vols. Vol.1. With fiat Portrmt qf Baphatlt OCKLEYS H'STORY OF THE SARACENS, REVISED, ENLARGED, AND tiiniplet«d. Portrait. COXES HISTORY OF THE HOUSE OP AUSTRIA. VOL. 9k Via Portrait of tk$ Mmftror Rodolph. LANZrS HISTORY OF PAINTING. VOL 2. Portrait N, and important additionB. S rois. VoL 1, eonttaming all tks Origimal Lttfr$. 40. VASARra LIVES OF THE MOST CELEBRATED PAINTERS, SCULPTORS, a1(D architects. Transiated by Mm. Fostu. Vol. I. Portrait. 00. JUNIUS'S LETTERS. VOL 2. containing the Filvate and MiscaUanaous Lstters, an Essay disoloaing the Antliorship, and a very elaborate Indei. 01. TAYLOR'S (JEREMY) HOLY LIVING AND DYING. PortnAt. 00. GOETHE'S WORKS. VOL 3, CONTAINING "FAUST," "IPHIGENIA," ••TORQUA'TO TASSO," and^EGMONT." Tranalatad by Miss SwaMWicK. With ••OOCTZ VON BERLICHIMOEN," by Sin Walth Scott. 03. NEANDERS CHURCH HISTORY, THE TRANSLATION Reviled by the Rav. A. J. W. Mouisom. Vol. I. 04. NEANDERS UFE OF CHRIST. COMPLETE IN 1 VOL 60. VASARI'S UVES, BY MRS. FOSTER. VOL 2. 00. NEANDERS CHURCH HISTORY. VOL 2. CAREFUaV Vnlfint «UA Ui Stahdaui Li»ab«, frict U. M* BONN'S EHNA VOLNMEt. 1. GRAMMONTS MEMOIRS OF THE COURT OF CHAMLU H, VMk UM Boarobel Nairalives. Purtndti^VMOwputa. a ft 3. RABELAIS' WORKS. COMPLETE IN 2 VOLS. 4. COUNT HAMILTON'S FAIRY TALES. PORTRAIT. m" rJ#\ •' V ItOSo V d. \ \ 1, ' I h I ' f \ I (I ?:r.-)::,f/ a '7 ^lAi^. WU w :\M) OPINIONS ^% t , . i t ,/ 'i, \ -i «*«»• 1. «;?4it- .jt. ■ >" Juki**;!!. ■-■".•U'Ki, r';>;w.<.nn f(>l%."J«, .I..' r. ! ii': ^^'^^^^'/ .-\Ciili)ff^^^^i^^A^^.^ SALMAGUNDI; THE WHIH-WHAMS AND OPINIONS Of LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, AND WASmNGTONffiEtVINGKA IB hdt «t kou. cum qids tt Mmm, »flBMlkMBB uidftMH* VDSflBHB flDlKSHIa VI^HTCB^WHi l*W^W*^i»i w^^^^^^^^ ^^^m^m^^^rg __ rM.fliir.Aaik FUUUVABA*. WMi MMd. ■■« feniTd, aad ■toW4 Md tiMrti Aa4 ftlMl. aad koUM. Md MMlwil nd RMMd, LONDON: BINBT 0. BOHH» TOBK STRBBT, OOYEHT GAKDNN. 1850. .-..»i£iawfaj-fei -u 1» '« w uyswat: GEOROB WOODPALL AND SON, ANCBL COCftT^ WIHJfSH •T«SBT. f- PREFACE. \\ \ \ Thb early productions of men of genius always possess a peculiar interest, and not unfrequently a freshness and an originality which do not belong to their more matured works. Mr. Irving is a native of the United States of America, and has been singularly fortunate in remoTing the prejudices which existed i^nst the literary talents of his countrymen. It is but a few years ago that our critics all spoke of American literature with a sneer, and as totally unworthy of notice ; indeed, it was treated with so much contempt, that persons unacquainted with the productions of the American press might be led to doubt that it yielded anything better than a newspaper essay, or the calculations of an dmanack. This ignorance and this prejudice have alike vanished before the talents of Mr. Irving. It is true that some novels which displayed considerable genius reached England before Mr. Irvmg's " Sketch Book," but it was the latter work which first called the public attention to the infemt republic of letters in the United States ; and it is but justice to say that England has made the amende honorabls by a frank and honest achmow* ledgment of its claims. ■ Although Mr. Irving more nearly approaches the style of our own admired Goldsmith than any living writer, yet he has been educated in a different school. Mr. Irving's style is, perhaps, purely American ; its groundwork is, no doubt, English, but the legends of the Dutch, the rude disposition of the Indian, and the romantic scenery of his native land, have all had their influence over him. The forte of Mr. Irving lies in description, and his delineations are at once bold, spirited, and faithful. In the portraying of scenes of low life, or of ludicrous situations, he is peculiarly happy ; nor is he deficient in scenes of the tender and pathetic ; there is a freedom in his sketches which shows how naturally th^ an A 3 ir PBKFAOE. prodaced, and a delicacy which proves that they emanate from a well-regulated mind. The "Salmagundi" was the first literary effort of Mr. Irving, and although it was some time before it crossed the Atlantic, yet from the moment of its publication it was a great favourite in the United States, where it was supposed to be the joint efforts of several literati. On the merits of these sprightly essays it is unnecessary to dwell, since they have been recognised and acknowledged in both hemispheres. The first number contained a merry morceau, which is worthy of preservation. It was called the "PUBLISHER'S FOTICB. " This woilc will be published and sold by D. Longworth. It will be printed on hot-pressed vellum paper, as that is held in highest estimation for buckling up young ladies' hair — a purpose to which similar works are usually appropriated ; it will be a small duodecimo size, so that when enough numbers are written it may form a volume sufficiently portable to be carried in old ladies' pockets and young ladies' work-bags. " As the above work will not come out at stated periods, notice will be given when another number will be published. The price will depend on the size of the number, and must be paid on delivery. The publisher professes the same sublime contempt for money as his authors. The liberal patronage bestowed by his discerning fellow-citizens on various works of taste which he has published, has left him no inclination to ask for farther favours at their hands ; and he publishes this work in the mere hope of requiting their bounty." No CONTENTS. ria Ko. I.— Bditor^i AdTwtiMiMiit 1 Introduction to the Work S Theatrict.— By Will Wisud 7 New York Anembly. — By A. Brergreen 9 ' IL^lAoncelot LanntafTs Account of his Friends 18 Mr. Wibon't Concert — By A. Evergreen 17 Some Account of Pindu Cockloft 10 Poetical AddreM L«m Pindar Cockloft 22 Advertiiement 24 III.— Account of Mnitapha Rub-a-dub Keli Khan 25 Letterfrom Muitapha BnVa-dub Keli Khan to Aiein Haoehem 27 FaahioM. —By A. Evergreen 81 Faahionable Homing-dreM for Walking 82 • TheProgreuof "EGkhnagundi" . 88 Poe^cal Proclamation — From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Eaq. 86 lY.— Some Account of Jeremy Cockloft the Younger 88 Memorandum! for a Tour, to be entitled " The Stranger in New Jersey, or Cocjcney TraTelling." — By Jeremy Cock- ' loft the Younger 40 y. — Introduction to a Letter from Muitapha Rub-a-dub Keli Khan 4ff Letter ftvm Muitapha to AbdaUah Bb'n al Rahab .... 45 Account of Will Wiiard'i Expedition to a Modem Ball— - By A. ETergnen 68 Poetical BpiiUe to the Ladiea.— From the Mill of Piudar Cockloft, Eaq. . ^ 67 YI.— Account of the Fkmily of the Cocklofta 60 Theatrics.— By William Wisard, Biq 88 YIL— Letter from Muitapha Rttb«-dnb Keli Khan to Asem Hacchem 74 Poetical Account of Ancient Times.— From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft. Esq 81 Not^ on the abore.— By W. Wiaaid, Esq. 84 YlII. — Anthony ETergreen's Account of his Friend Langstaff . . N On Style.— By WUUam Wisaid, Esq M TlMSdilenaad the Public 97 \> VI CONTENTS. tXOM No. IX.— Aceoant of MiM Charity Cockloft 100 Pram the Blbow-Chair of the Author 106 Letter from Moatapha Rulni-dab Keli Khan to Atem Hacchem 106 Poetry.— From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Eiq. .... 112 X. — Introduction to the Number 117 Letter from Demi Uemiquarer to Launcelot Langataff, Eaq. . 118 Note by the Publiaher 128 XL— Letter fixmi Mnatapha Rub-a-dub Zeli Khan to Asem Hacchem 124 Account of "Mine Uncle John" 181 XII.— Christopher Cockloft'i Company 187 The Stranger at Home, or a Tour in Broadway. — By Jeremy Cockloft the Younger 144 Introduction to Pindar Cockloft's Poem 160 A Poem.— From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq. ... 160 XIII. — Introduction to Will Wizard's Plans for Defending our Har- bour 168 Plans for Defending our Harbour. — By William Wiiard, Esq. 166 ARetroipect,cr "What You Will" 162 To Readers and Correspondents 170 XIY. — Letter from Mustapha Rub^i-dub Keli Khan to Asem Hacchem 171 Cockloft Hall By L. LangstaiF, Esq 178 Theatrical Intelligence.— By William Wiiard, Esq. ... 186 XY. — Sketches from Nature. — By A. Evergreen, Gent .... 188 On Greatness.- -By L. Langstaff, Esq 194 XYI Style, at Ballston.-By W. Wixard, Esq 200 Fivm Mustapha Rub-a-dub Keli Khan to Asem Hacchem . 206 XYIL— Autumnal Reflections.— By L. Lanntaff, Esq. 212 Descrmtion of the Library at Cockloft Hall.— By L. Lang- staff, Esq 216 Chapter CI X. of the Chronicles of the renowned and ancient City of Gotham 220 XYIII.— The Little Man in Black.— By Launcelot Langstaff, Esq. . 226 Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-dub Keli Khan to Asem Hacchem 282 XIX. — Introduction to the Number 287 Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-dub Keli Khan to Muley Helim al Raggi 238 Anthony Evergreen's Introduction to the Winter Campaign 246 Tea, a Poem.— From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq. . . 260 XX.— On the New Year 268 To the Ladies. — From A. Evergreen, Gent. 260 Farewell Address 266 No. I.— SATURDAY, JANUARY 24, 1807. As everybody knows, or oaght to know, what a SAUiAOirNDi is, we shall spare ourselves the trouble of an explanation; besides, we despise trouble, as we do everything that is low and mean — ^and hold the man who would incur it unneces* sarilv, as an object worthy our highest pity and contempt Neither will we puzzle our heads to give an account of our- selves, for two reasons ; first, because it is nobody's business ; secondly, because if it were, we do not hold ourselves bound to attend to anybody's business but our own ; and even that we take the liberty of neglecting, when it suits our inclina- tion. To these we might add a third, that very few men can give a good account of themselves, let them try ever so hard : but this reason, we candidly avow, would not hold good with ourselves. There are, however, two or three pieces of information which we bestow gratis on the public, chiefly because it suits our own pleasure and convenience that they should be known, and partly because we do not wish that there should be any ill- will between us at ihe commencement of our acquaintance. Our intention is simply to instruct the young, reform the old, correct the town, and castigate the age : this is an ardu- ous task, and therefore we undertake it with confidence. We intend for this purpose to present a striking picture of the town ; and as every body is anxious to see his own phiz on canvas, however stupid or ugly it may be, we have no doubt but the whole town will ilock to our exhibition. Our picture will necessarily include a vast variety of figures : and should any gentleman or lady be displeased with the invete- rate truth of their likenesses, they may ease their spleen by lauflhing at those of their neighbours — this being what w$ undeiBtand by pottical jtutiet. Like all true and able editors, we consider ourselves infal- lible ; and therefore, with the eustomair diffidence of our brethren of the quill, we shall take the liber^ of interfering INTBODUCnON TO THE WOBK. V in all matters either of a public or private natare. We are critics, amateurs, dilettanti, and coffnoscenti ; and as we know " by the pricking of our thumbs," that every opinion which we may advance in either of those chaxacters will be correct, we are determined, though it mav be questioned, contradicted, or even controverted, yet it shall never be revoked. We beg the public particularly to understand, that wo soli- cit no patronage. We are determined, on the contrary, that the patronage shall be entirely on our side. We have nothing to do with the pecuniarjr concerns of the paper : its sooceaa will yield us neither pride nor profit ; nor will its fidlure occasion to us either loss or mortification. We advise ^e public, therefore, to purchase our numbers merely for tiieir own sakes : — if they do not, let them settle die a£EiEur with their consciences and posterity. To conclude, we invite all editors of newspapers imd lite- rary journals to praice us heartily in advance, as we assure them tiiat we intend to deserve tiieir praiseSk To our next door neighbour, "Town,"* we hold out a hand of amity, declaring to him that, after ours, his paper will stand the best chance for immortality. We proffer an exchange of civilities : he shall furnish us with notices of epic poems and tobacco — and we, in return, will enriefa him with original speculations on all manner of subjects, together with " the rummaging of my grandfkther's mahogany chest of drawers," "the life and amours of mine uncle John,** "anecdotes of the Cocld^ family," and learned quotations from that unheard-of writer of folios, lAnkum Fidelim. rBOM THE ELBOW-CHAIB. OF UkDKCBLOX LANOaTAFF, ESQ. Wb were a considerable time in deciding whether we shonld be at the pams of introducing ourselves to the public. As we care for nobody, and as we are not yet at the bar, w» do not fed bound to hold up our hands and answerto our names. Willing, however, to gain at once dial fhmk confidential fbotinff which we are certain of ultimately possessing in thit» doubtless, " best of all possible cities," and anxious to spars its worthy rahabitants the trouble of making a thousand mat coi^ectures, not one of which would be worth a "tobdbo- * The tid* of ft Bcirapftper pnUithdl in ll«w Tork, whkh, ftmong otkar JllTBtrcnOII TD THK WOBX. stofqwr/' W6 hxn thoaght it in aamt degree a neceasaiy ezer> tion of charitable condescension to furnish them with a slight cine to the truth. Befwe we proceed farther, however, we advise everybody —man, woman, and child — that can read, or get any friend to read for them, to purchase this iMmer ; — not Uiat we write for money r &ri in common with all [^ulosophacal wiseacres, from Sdomon downwards, we hold it in supreme contempt. The piddic are welcome to buy this work or not— just aa they diooae. If it be purchased freely, so moeh the better for die pdblic— and the pnbli^er : we gain not a stiver. If it be not pmehased, we give fiur warning— we shall bum all our essays, oritiqaes, and epigrams, in one promiscuous blasEe ; and, like the books of die sibyls, and the Alexandrian library, tbey will le lost for ever to posterity. For the sake, therefore, of onr publisher — ^for the sake of the public — and for the sake ef this publio'a children to the nineteenth generation, we advise them to purchase our paper. We beg the respectable old matrons of tins city not to be inarmed at the appearance we make : — ^we are none of tliose outlandish geninses, who swarm in New York, who live by their wits, or rather by the little wit of their neighbours ; and who spoil the genuine honest American tastes of their daughters with French slops and fricasseed sentiment. We have said we do not write for money ;— neither do we writv for fisune. We know too well the variable na are of pi^lio opioion, to build our hopes upon it : we eart not what the public think of us ; and we suspect, before we reach the tenth number, they will not know what to think of us. In two words— we write for no other earthly puioose but to please ourselves ; and this we shall be sure of doing — for we are all three of us determined beforehand to be pleased with what we write. If in the course of this work we edifjr, and instruct, and amuse the public, so much the better for the public ; but we frankly acknowledge, that so soon as we get tured of reading our own works, we shall disoontinira diem without the least remorse, whatever the public may think of it While we continue to go on, we will go on merrily : if we moralise, it shall be but seldom ; and on all oceasions we shall be more solicitous to make our realtors Umgh than cry- for we are lauding philosophers, uid cl^rly of opinion, tliat iriadom, true wiadom, is a plump, jolly dame, who nts in her B 3 INTBOOUOTION TO THE WOBK. V Mtn-chair, laughs right merrily at the farce of life, and takes the world as it goes. We intend particularly to notice the conduct of the fashion- able world ; nor in this shall we be governed by that carping spirit with which narrow-minded bookworm cynics squint at the little extravagances of the ton ; but with that liberal tole* ntion which actuates every man of fashion. While we keep more than a Cerberus watch over the golden rules of female delicacy and decorum — we shall not discourage any little sprighUiness of demeanour, or innocent vivacity of character. Before we advance one line further, we must let it be under- stood, as our firm opinion, void of all prejudice or partiality, that the ladies of New York are the fairest, the finest, the inost accomplished, the most bewitching, the most inefiable beings, that walk, creep, crawl, swim, fly, float, or vegetate, in any or all of the four elements ; and that they only want to be cured of cer- tain whims, eccentricities, and unseemly conceits, by our super* intending cares, to render them absolutely perfect. They will, therefore, receive a large portion of those attentions directed to the fashionable world ; nor will the gentlemen, who doze away their time in the circles of the haut-ton, escape our currying: — we mean those silly fellows who sit stock-still upon their chairs, without saying a word, and then complaia how d d stupid it was at Miss 's party. This department will be under the peculiar direction and control of Anthony Evergreen, Gent., to whom all comma* nications on this subject are to be addressed. This gentleman, from his long experience in the routine of balls, tea-parties, and assemblies, is eminently qualified for the task he has undertaken.. He is a kind of patriarch in the fashionable world, and has seen generation after generation pass away into the silent tomb of matrimony, while he remains unchangeably the same. He can recount the amours and courtships of the fiithers, mothers, uncles, and auntb, and even grand-dames of all the belles of the present day — provided their pedigrees extend so far back without being lost in obscurity. As, how- ever, treating of pedigrees is rather an ungrateful task in this city, and as we mean to be perfectly good-natured, he has pro- mised to be cautious in this particular. He recollects per- fectly the time when young ladies used to go a sleigh riding at night, without thoir mammas or grand-mammas ; in short, without being matronized at all ; and can relate a thousand 1= IHTRODUCnON TO THE VtOTtX. pleasant stories about Kissing Bridge*. He likewise remem- bers the time when ladies paid tea-visits at three in the afternoon, and returned before dark to see that the house was shut up, and the servants on duty. He has often played cricket in the orchard in the rear of old Vauxhall, and remem bers when the Bull's Head was quite out of town. Though he has slowly and gradually given in to modem fashions, and still flourishes in the beau tnontle, yet he seems a little prejudiced iu favour of the dress and manners of the old school ; and his chief commendation of a new mode is, " that it is the same good old fashion we had before the war." It has cost us much trouble to make him confess that a cotillion is si^periortoaminuet, or an unadorned crop to a pig-tail and powder. Gustom and fashion have, however, had more effect on nim than all our lectures ; and he tempers, so happily, the grave and ceremonious gallantry of the old school with the " hail fellow" familiarity of the new, that, we trust, on a little acquaintance, and making allowance for his old-fashioned prejudices, he will become a very consi* derable favourite with our readers ; if not, the worse for them* selves — as they will have to endure his company. In the territory of criticism, William Wizard, Esq., has undertaken to preside ; and though we may all dabble in it a little by turns, yet we have willingly ceded to him all dis* cretionary powers in this respect. Though Will has not had the advantage of an education at Oxford or Cambridge, or even at Edinburgh or Aberdeen, and though he is but little versed in Hebrew, yet we have no doubt he will be found fully competent to the undertaking. He has improved his taste by a long residence abroad, particularly at Canton, Calcutta, and the gay and polished court of Hayti. He has also had an opportunity of seeing the best singing-girls and tragediant of Cliina; is a great connoisseur in mandarin dresses and porcelain, and particularly values himself on his intimate knowledge of the buffalo and war dances of the Northern Indians. He is likewise promised the assbtance of a gentle- man lately from London, who was bom and bred in that centra of science and hon gout, the vicinity of Fleet Market, where * Amongst the amnwments of the citizeni, in times gone by, wai that of nwkiag excuniont in tha wint«r eTcningt, on deighf, to some neighbouring village where the ucial party had a ball and supper. " Kissing Bridse was so denominated from the eircumstanco that here the beaux exacted from their Mr companions the forfeiuua of a kias, bdbra permitting their travd* ling vehkles to paM ovar. mxBODUcnox to ibe wobk. } he hu heea edified, mm and b<^, these six-and-twenty yeani, irith llie haanonioos jingle of Bow bells. His taste, thera* lore, has attained to smli an exquisite pitch of refinement, that thece are few exhibitions of any kind which do not pat him in a feror. He has assured Will, that if Mr. Cooper emphasises " and " instead of " iat,"— -or Mrs. Oldmixon {nna her kerchief a hair's breadth awry-^r Mrs. Darley ofiSsrs to date to look less than the " daughter of a senator of Veoioe," — ^tbe standard of a senator's daughter being exactly six feet — ^they shall all hear of it in good time. We have, however, advised Will Wizard to keep his friend in dbeck, lest by opening the eyes of the public to the wr^chedness of the actors, by whom tlwy hnre hitherto been entertained, he mi^ ent off ooesauree of amusement from our feUow-eidxeas. We hereby give notice, that we have taken the whole corps, frMooi the manager in his mantle of goigeous copper-lace, to honest John in his green coat and black breeches, tmder our wing — and woe be nnto him who iigures a hair of their heads. As we have no design aoBiast the pattenoe of our Idlow'citixenB, we shall not dtue them with cc^moos cbtmghts of theatrical criticism : we know that they have already been weU fliy- licked with them of kte. Our -theatrics shall take uf wA a small part ef our pqpor ; nor shall they be altogether confined to the stage, but extend from time to time to those inoMr- Boible offenders against the peace oi society, the atageoatios, who not unfrequently create Uie fiuilt they find, m lordor to yi^ an opening for their witticisms ; censure an actor lor « |(esture he never made, or an emphaas he never gone : andt u their attempt to show off ntw rtndmgt, make the sweet ■wan of Avon cackle like a goose. If any ime shovM feel himself offended by our remarks, let him attaok vm in ratnim —we diall not winoe from the combat If his passes he sue- eessful, we will be the first to ciy out, " A hit! a hit ! " and «•« doubt not we shall frequently lay oursi^ves open to the wnapoas of 4>ttr assailants. But let them have a care how thef nm a tiltmg with ns ; they have to deal with ttubbom Ibea, who oaa hear a wwld of pommeling; we will be xelantleis w ov vengeance, and wul fight " till from our bones the flash be iMOk'd." What other sutgeets we diall indode in tha nage el «w obaervations we have not determmed, or ralher we riian art teooble ourselves to detail. The public have already mow information concerning us than we intended to impart W« IBCAXSICl. oiro them no favoats, oekher do we uk maj. We again ad- TiMiihem, for tkeir own aekes, to road our papora when they cone ont. We reoommend to all modien to pntdiaae them for their dcnghten, who will he initiaked into the arcana of the bou ton, and cored of all those nutj old notions which ihej acquired daring the last ceiitoiy : parents shall be taught iiow to gofmm dteir diildren, girls how to get husbands, and old maids how to do without them. As we do not measure our wits bjr the yard or bushel, and as they do not flow periodically nor constantly, we sihall not vestriot our papa: as to size or the time of its appearance. It will be published whenever we have sn£Bident matter to con- atitate a number ; and the size of the number shall depend OB the stock in hand. Thia will best suit our negligent ha- luts, and leave us that full liberty and independence which is Ae joy and pri^ of our souls. As we have before liinted, that we do not concern ounelves about the peamiary mattan of our paper, iM leave its price to be regulated by our pub- Usher ; only reeommencUng him, for his own interest, and dM bonour of hia anthors, not to seU their invaluable productions too cheap. Is there any one who wishes to know more about ns? — let him read Salmagundi, and grow wbe afmce. Thus much we will aay — there are three of us, *^ Bardolph, Peto, and I," all townsmen good and true. Many a time and oft have we tfaiwe aBBosed the town without its knowing to Mdiom it was in- debied ; and mmaj a time have we aeen the midnif^ lamp twinkle faindy on our studious phizzes, and heard mt morn- ing salutation of **jtmt l^taee o'deck," before we sought our pillows. The result of these midnight studies is now offiBrad to the paUiB : and little as we care for the opinion of this aaoeodingly stupid world, we sludl take care, as far as lies in oar careless natures, to fulfil the nromiBes made in this in< tEodootion; — ^if we do not, we dull have so many examplM to jastify us, that we feel little solicitude on that account. THEATRICS: OOKZAIKIKa TBS QUIMTESSSKCX 07 MODEBN CBITICISIf. BT WILLLUf WIZAJRD, ESQ. MaoBCTH was i>eiformed to a vary crowded hooaa, and much to Mr aatisfiMjaea. Aa, hmpsvar, oarnmghboar "Town" has 8 THBATBIC8. been veiy voluminous already in his criticisms on this play, "we shall make but few remarks. Having never seen Kemble in ihi» character, we are absolutely at a loss to say whether Mr. Cooper performed it well or not. We think, however* there was an error in his emtume, as the learned Linkum Fidelius is of opinion that, in the time of Macbeth, the Scots did not wear sandals, but wooden shoes. Macbeth also was noted for wearing his jacket open, that he might play the Scotch fiddle more conveniently; — that being an hereditary accomplishment in the Glamis family. We have seen this character performed in China by the celebrated Chow-Chow, the Hoscius of that great empire, who in the dagger scene always electrified the audience by blow* ing his nose like a trumpet. Chow-Chow, in compliance with the opinion of the si^e Linkum Fidelius, performed Macbeth in wooden shoes ; this gave him an opportunity of produci]M| great effect — for on his first seeing " the pir-drawn dagger, e always cut a prodigious high caper, and kicked h^ > shoes into the pit at the heads of the critics; whereupon the axidi* ence were marvellously delighted, flourished their hands, and stroked their whiskers three times ; and the matter was care- fully reported in the next number of a paper called the "Film Flam" (Engliah—lovm) We were much pleased with Mrs. Yilliers in Lady MaC' beth; but we think she would have given a greater effect to the night-scene, if, instead of holding the candle in her hand, or setting it down on the table, which is si^aciously censured by neighbour "Town," she had stuck it in her night-c^>. This would have been extremely picturesque, and would have marked more strongly the derangement of her mind. Mrs. Yilliers, however, is not by any means large enough for the character — Lady Macbeth having been, in our opinion, a woman of extraordinary size, and of the race of the giants, notwithstanding what she says of her "little hand;" which being said in her sleep, passes for nothing. We should be happy to see this character in the hands of the lady who played Glumdalca, queen of the giants, in " Tom Thumb;" she is exactly of imperial dimensions ; and, provided she is well shaved, of a most interesting physiognomy : as she ap> pears also to be a lady of some nerve, I dare engage she wul read a letter about witches vanishing in air, and sudi common NEW-TORX AMEMBLT* 9 oceurrencM^ without being uimaturaUy surprised, to the an* nojance of honest " Town " We are happy to observe that Mr. Cooper profits i>7 the instructions of friend ** Town," and does not dip the dagger in blood so deep as formerly by the matter of an inch or two. This was a violent outrage upon our immortal bard. We differ with Mr. Town in his reading of the words " this is a sorry sight." We are of opinion the force of the sentence should be thrown on the word sight — because Macbeth having been, a short time before, most confoundedly humbugged with an aerial dagger, was in doubt whether the daggers actually in his hands were real, or whether they were not mere sha- dows; or, as the old English may have termed it, syghtes (this, at any rate, will establish our skill in new readings). Though we differ in this respect from our neighbour "Town," yet we heartily agree with mm in censuring Mr. Cooper for omitting that passage, so remarkable for " beauty of imagery," &o., beginning with " and pity, like a naked new-bom babe," &0. It is one of those passages of Shakespeare which should always be retained, for the purpose of showing how sometimes that great poet could talk like a buzzard ; or, to speak mora plainly, like the famous mad poet Nat Lee. As it is the first duty of a friend to advise, and as we pro- fess and do actually feel a friendship for honest " Town," we warn him never in his criticisms to meddle with a lady's " pet- ticoats," or to quote Nic Bottom. In the first instance he may " catch a tartar ; " and in the second, the ass's head may rise in judgment against him — and when it is once afloat there is no knowing where some unlucky hand may place it We would not for all the money in our pockets, see " Town " flourishing his critical quill under the auspices of an ass's head, like the great Franklin in his Montero cap. NEW-YORK ASSEMBLY. BT ANTHOMT EVBBOBEEN, OEMt. The assemblies this year have gained a great accession olT beauty. Several brilliant stars have arisen from the east and from the north, to brighten the firmament of fashion : among the number I have discovered another planet, which rivals oven Venus in lustre, and I claim equal honour with Her- schel for my discovery. I shall take some future oppor> 10 TOBK AMBKBLI. tnaity to describe this plaaet, and the niunerout g a telHt ei which revolve around it. At ihe iMt anemfbly the oompaay hegaa to make leme Bhow about eight, but toe nest fashionable delayed their ap- pearance untU a^ut nine^-nine being the nnaaber of the If uses, and therefore the best possible hour for beginning to exhibit the graces. This is meant for a pretty play tipaa words, and I assure ny readers that I think it very tolen^e. Poor Will Honeycomb, whose memory I hold in speciid consideration, even with his half century of experience, woidd have been puzzled to point out the humours m a lady by hoc prevailing colours ; for the " rival queens " of fashionf Mia. Tode and Madame Bouchard*, iqn>eared to have exhanated &eir wonderful inventions in the different £iq)OBition, varia- tion, and comtnnation of tints and shades. The pfail«BO|^er who maintained that black was wMte, md that, oi oourao, there was no such colour as white, might have given some c<^our to his theory LiKBinn.uii, or 'SbtdlHuHM^ as he is called for short* ness. He is a fellow of infinite verhoeity — iiands in high finrour — with himself— «ad, like Caleb Qaotem, is Vup to everythmg." I remember when a comfortaye plump-looking citizen led into tlie room a £ur damsel, who looked for all the world like the personification of a rainftiow, 'Sbidlikens observed that it reminded kirn of a &ble ivhidi ke had read somewhere, of the marriage of an honest painstaking snail — who had once waUied six feet in an hour for a ^"ntger — to a butterfly whom he used to gallant by the elbow, with the aid of mnoh puffing and exertion. On being called upon to tell lA^re he had «ome across this atory, 'Slndlikens absolutely refused to answer. It would hot be repeating an old story to say that the laiies ef New Totk dance well ; and well mnj they, since iStej leam it scientifically, and begin their lessons beibre th^ have quitted their swaddling elothei. The immortal Duport has usurped despotic away over all liie female heads and heels in this dty ; hornbooks, frim«rs, «nd pianoe;, are neg* ]0cted to attend to hu positions ; and poor Chiltosi, with hu fote «nd kettles, and chemical crockery, finds htm a more potent en^my than the whole ooUective fi»rce «f the " North- inrer Sodety." 'Slndlikens insists that this dancing mania wM inevitaldj cootiBiie as long as a danang-master wiU diarge the nnAiionable price of five-and-twentj dollars a quarter, and all the other aooomplidmienEts are so vulgar as to be attainable at ** kidf the money;"— Irat I pat no luth in BbidlftenS' candour in this ftartiocdar. Among his infinitude of «ndowmettt8, he is but a poor proficient in dancing ; and though he olten flounders tuou^ a ootiWon, yet he never cut a p^feon-wing in his life. In my mind there % no |iosition more positive and unexeep* tioBaUe dian Ihat most Frenchmen, dead or alive, are bora dancers. I «ame pounce upsM this dieoevery i^ the assemUy, and I immediately noted it down in my register of inctis- prtable feet* — tlte piMc shall know all about it. As I never ianoe cotillions, holdiBg them to be monstrous disUHrtees of tile human ^me, and tantamoant in Aax operatbaa to being broken and didoeated en the wheel, I gBDerslly take ooeasioD, while Ihey are going en, to make my remarks on Q» comjpany. In tlie course of these obser^rtioiu I was •truck with ^M «Betgy and eloquence ef sundry limbs, ti^Msh IS KEW YOl\K ASSEMBLY. seemed to be flourishing about without appertaining to anj body. After much investigation and difficulty, I at length traced them to their respective owners, whom I found to be all Frenchmen to a man. Art may have meddled somewhat in these aifairs, but nature certainly did more. I have since been considerably employed in calculations on this subject ; and by the most accurate computation I have determined that a Frenchman passes at least three-fifths of his time between the heavens and the earth, and partakes eminently of the nature of a gossamer or soap-bubble. One of these jack-o'-laiitem heroes, in taking a figure, which neither Euclid nor Pythi^oras himself could demonstrate, unfortu> uately wound himself — I mean his foot— his better part— into a lady's cobweb muslin robe ; but perceiving it at the instant, he set himself a spinning the other way, like a top, unravelled his step, without omitting one angle or curve, and extricated himself without breaking a thread of the lady's dress ! He then sprung up, like a sturgeon, crossed his feet four times, and finished this wonderful evolution by quivering his left leg, as a cat does her paw when she has accidentally dipped it in water. No man " of woman bom," who was not a Frenchman, or a mountebank, could have done the like. Among the new faces I remarked a blooming nymph, who has brought a fresh supply of roses from the country to adorn the wreath of beauty, where lilies too much predominate. As I wish well to every sweet face under heaven, I sincerely hope her roses may survive the frosts and dissipations of winter, and lose nothing by a comparison with the loveliest offerings of the spring. 'Sbidlikens, to whom I made similar remarks, assured me that they were very just, and very prettily expressed ; and that the lady in question was a pro- digious fine piece of flesh and blood. Now could I find it in my heart to baste these cockneys like their own roast beef— they can make no distinction between a £Li> woman and a fine horse. I would praise the sylph-like grace with which another young lady acquitted herself in the dance, but that she excels in far more valuable accomplishments. Who praises the rose for its beauty, even though it is beautiful ? The company retired at the customary hour to the supper- room, where the tables were laid out with their usual splendour and profusion. My friend 'Sbidlikens, with the LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFFS ACCOUNT OF HIS FRIENDS. 18 native forethought of a cockney, had carefully stowud his pocket with cheese and crackers, that he might not be tempted again to venture his limbs in the crowd of hungry fieur ones who throng the supper-room door : his precaution was unnecessary, for the company entered the room with surprising order and decorum. No gowns were torn — no ladies fainted — no noses bled — nor was there any need of the interference of either managers or peace-officers. No. II.— WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1807. FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF LAUNCELOT LANOSTAFF, ESQ. In the conduct of an epic poem it has been the custom from time immemorial for the poet occasionally to introduce his reader to an intimate acquaintance with the heroes of his story, by conducting him into their tents, and giving him an opportunity of observing them in their night-gown and slippers. However, I despise the servile genius that would descend to follow a precedent, though furnished by Homer himself, and consider him as on a par with the cart that follows at the heels of the horse, without ever taking the lead ; yet at the present moment my whim is opposed to my opinion ; and whenever this is the case, my opinion generally surrenders iit discretion. I am determined, therefore, to give the town a peep ^'nto our divan ; and I shall repeat it as often as I please, to show that I intend to be sociable. The other night Will Wizard and Evergreen called upon me, to pass away a few hours in social chat, and hold a kind of council of war. To give a zest to our evening I uncorked a bottle of London particular, which has grown old with myself, and which never fails to excite a smile in the countenances of my old cronifn, to whom alone it is devoted. After some little time the conversation turned on the effect produced by our first number ; every one had his budget of information, and I assure my readers that we laughed most unceremo- niously at their expense : they will excuse us for our merri- ment — 'tis a way we 've got. Evergreen, who is equally a favourite and companion of young and old, was particularly satisfactory in his details ; and it was highly amusing to hear how different characters were tickled witli different passages. The old folks were delighted to find there was a bias in our junto towards the "good old times;" and he particularly 14 LAUXCKLOT LANaSTATF's ACCOimT OV HIS FRIS:a>8. noticed a worthy old gentlemen of his acquaintance who had been somewhat a beau in his day, whose eyes brightened at the bare mention of Kissing Bridge. It recalled to his recollection several of his youthful exploits at that celebrated pass, on which he seemed to dwell with great pleasure and self-complacency : — ^he hoped, he said, that the Bridge might be preserved for the benefit of posterity, and as a monument of the gallantry of their grandfathers ; and even hinted at the expediency of erecting a toll-gate there, to collect the forfeits of the ladies. But the most flattering testimony of approbation which our work has received, was from an old lady, who never laughed but once in her life, and that was at the conclusion of the last war. She was detected by friend Anthony in the very fact of laughing most obstreperously at the description of the little dancing Frenchman. Now it glads my very heart to find our effusions have such a pleasing effect. I venerate the aged, and joy whenever it is in my power to scatter a few flowers in their path The young people were particularly interested in the account of the assembly. There was some difference ef opinion respecting the new planet, and the blooming nymph from the country ; but as to the compliment paid to the fascinating little sylph who danced so grac^uUy — every ladgr modestly took that to herself. Evergreen mentioned also that the young ladies werv extremely anxious to learn the true mode of managing their beaux; and Miss Diana Wearwell, who is as chaste as an icicle, has seen a few superfluous winters pass over her head, and boasts of having slain her thousands, wished to know how old maids were to do without husbands ; not that she was very curious about the matter, she " only asked for information." Several ladies expressed their earnest desire that we would not spare those wooden gentlemen who perform the parts of mutes, or stalking horses, in their drawing-rooms; and their mothers were equally anxious that we would show no quarter to those lads of spirit who now and then cut their bottles to enliven a tea-party with the humours of the dinner-table. Will Wizard was not a little chogrined at having been misf taken for a gentleman, " who is no more like me," said Will, "than I like Hercules" — "I whs well assured," continued Will, "that as our characters were drawn from nature, the LAUKOBLOT LANOSTAFF's ACCOUNT Or HIS FRIEMDS. 15 originftls woald be found in every society; And so it has happened — every little circle has its 'Sbidlikens; — and the cockney, intended merely as the representative of his species, has dwindled into an insignificant individual, who, having recognised his own likeness, has foolishly appropriated to him- self a picture for which he never sat. Such, too, has been the case with Ding-Dong, who has kindly undertaken to be my representative ; — not that I care much about the matter, for it must be acknowledged that the animal is a good-natured animal enough ; — and what is more, a fashionable animal — and this is saying more than to call him a conjuror. But, I am much mistaken if he can claim any affinity to the Wizard DsBnily. — Surely everybody knows Ding-Dong, the gentle Ding-Dong, who pervades all space, who is here and there and everywhere ; no tea-party can be complete without Ding-Dong — and his appearance is sure to occasion a smile. Ding-Dong has been the occasion of much wit in his day ; I have even seen many puny whipsters attempt to be dull at his expense, who were as much inferior to him as the gad-fly is to the ox that he buzzes about. Docs any witling want to distress the company with a miserable pun? — nobody's name presents sooner than Ding-Dong's ; and it has been played upon with equal skill and equal entertainment to the by-standers as Trinity bells. Ding-Dong is profoundly devoted to the ladies, and highly entitled to thoir regard ; for I know no man who makes a better bow, or talks less to the purpose than Ding- Dong. Ding-Dong has acquired a prodigious fund of know- ledge by reading Dilworth when a boy ; and the other day, on being asked who was the author of Macbeth, answered, with- out the least hesitation, Shakespeare ! Ding-Dong has a quotation for eveiy day of the year, and every hour of the day, and every minute of the hour ; but he often commits petty larcenies on the poets — plucks the gray hairs of old Chaucer's head, and claps them on the chin of Pope ; and filches Johnson's wig, to cover the bald pete of Homer : but his blunders pass undetected by one-half of his hearers. Ding-Dong, it is true, though he has long wrangled at our bar, cannot boast much of his legal knowledge ; nor does his forensic eloquence entitle him to rank with a Cicero or a Demosthenes ; but bating his professional deficiencies, he is a man of most delectable discourse, and can hold forth for an hour uj-ion the colour of a rib*nd, or the construction of a 16 LAUKCELOT LAHGSTAFP's ACCOUNT OF HIO FBIENDS. work-bag. Ding-Dong is now in his fortieth year, or perhaps a little more — rivals all the little beaux in town in his atten- tions to the ladies — is in a state of rapid improvement ; and there is no doubt but that by the time he arrives at years of discretion, he will be a very accomplished agreeable young fellow. I advise all clever, good-for-nothing " learned ana authentic gentlemen," to take care how they wear this cap, however well it fits ; — ^and to bear in mind that our characters are not individuals, but species; if, after this warning, any person chooses to represent Mr. Ding-Dong, the sin is at his own door ; we wash our hands of it. We all sympathised with Wizard, that he should be mis- taken for a person so very different ; and I hereby assure my readers, that William Wizard is no other person in the whole world but William Wizard ; so I beg I may hear no more conjectures on the subject. Will is, in fact, a wiseacre by inheritance. The Wizard family has long been celebrated for knowing more than their neighbours, particularly concerning their neighbours' affairs. They were anciently called Josselin ; but Will's great-uncle, by the father's side, having been acci- dentally burnt for a witch in Connecticut, in consequence of blowing up his own house in a philosophical experiment, the family, in order to perpetuate tne recollection of this memo- rable circumstance, assumed the name and arms of Wizard, and have borne them ever since. In the course of my customary morning's walk, I stepped in at a book-store, which is noted for being the favourite haunt of a number of literati, some of whom rank high in the opinion of the world, and others rank equally high in their own. Here I found a knot of queer fellows, listening to one of their company, who was reading our paper : I particularly noticed Mr. Ichabod Fungus among the number. Fungus is one of those fidgeting, meddling quidnuncs, with which this unhappy city is pestered ; one of your " Q in the comer fellows," who speaks volumes with a wink — conveys most portentous information by laying his finger beside his nose— and is always smelling a rat in the most trifling occur- rence. He listened to our work with the most frigid gravity —every now and then gave a mysterious shrug — a humph— or a screw of the mouth ; and on beiog asked his opinion at the conclusion, said, he did not know what to think of it — he hoped it did not mean anything against the Government — that MR. WILSONS COKCEBT. 17 no larking treason was coached in all this talk. These wero dangerous times — times of plot and conspiracy; he did not at all like those stars after Mr. Jefferson's name ; they had an air of concealment. Dick Paddle, who was one of the group, undertook our cause. Dick is known to the world as being a most knowing genius, who can see as far as anybody— into a millstone ; maintains, in the teeth of all argument, that a made is a spade; and will labour a good half-hour by St. Paul's clock, to establish a self-evident fact. Dick assured old Fungus that those stars merely stood for Mr. Jefferson's red what d'ye-caWem$; and that so far from a conspiracy against their peace and prosperity, the authors, whom he knew very well, were only expressing their high respect for them. The old man shook bis head, shrugged his shoulders, gave a mysterious Lord Burleigh nod, said he hoped it might be 80 ; but he was by no means satisfied with this attack upon the President's breeches, as " thereby hangs a tale." MR. WILSON'S CONCERT. BT AKTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. In my register of indisputable facts, I have noted it conspi- cuously, that all modem music is but the mere dregs and draining of the ancient, and that all the spirit and vigour and harmony has entirely evaporated in the lapse of ages. Oh V. for the chant of the Naiades, and Dryades, the shell of the- Tritons, and the sweet warblings of the mermaids of ancient days ! Where now shall we seek the Amphion, who built walls with a turn of his hurdy-gurdy; the Orpheus, who made stones- to whistle about his ears, and trees hop in a country dance, by the mere quavering of this fiddle-stick ! Ah ! had I the Swer of the former, how soon would I build up the new City all, and save the cash and credit of the corporation ; and how much sooner would I build myself a snug house in Broad- way ; — nor would it be the first time a house has been obtained there for a song. In my opinion, the Scotch bag-pipe is the only instrument that rivals tho ancient lyre ; and I am sur- prised it should be almost the only one entirely excluded from our concerts. Talking of concerts reminds me of that given a few nights since by Mr. Wilson ; at which I had the misfortune of beinff present. It was attended by a numerous company, and grett latisfaotioD, if I may be allowed to judge from the !1 1 m WnaONS COMOKBT. frequent gapingi of tbe widieiioe ; thoo^ I will not xnic oqr orodit m a emiaoineiir bj Mtjing whethw tliej fmoeedad JEOva. wopder or a 'rioient iacliiiatinn to A)ze. Imudel^ted to find, ia the maaas'of the crowd, mj particttlsr inendSiinrea, fdM pat OB fais oogoosceBti phia— he being, aocoidiiig to his own Aooovat, a profound adept in the sdenoe of munc. He can toll A crotchet at firatsif^t; and, like a tree Engtiwhnian, ia ddigfated with the pkun-pudding Totnndity of a semi-brcf ; «nd, in dunt, boMte of having inoontinenUy climbed ap Paffli nmaieal tree*, m^hich hangs every day upon the poplar, froai the fundamental concovd, to the fundamaital major diacord; and 80 on from branch to braach, until he veached the very top, where he sung " Ride Britannia," da^^d faia wings, and then — came down again. like all troe transatlantic judges, lie snfieiB most hcmribly at our nmsical entartainaiento ; uid assures me, that what with tlie confounded scnming, and ficratching, and grating of our fiddlers, he thmkn the sitting out one of our concerts tantamount to the punishment of that unfortunate saint who was firittered in two with a hand-saw. The concert was given in the tea-roora, at the City Hotel ; an apartmmt adminbly calculated, by ito dingy walls, beau- tifully marbled with smoke, to idiow <^ the dvesses and oom- plexions of the ladies; and by the flatness of its ceiling to repress those impertinent reverbecatioas of the mnsic, ii^ach, whatever othsn may foolishly Msert, are, Snivets saya, " no better than rvpetitions of old stories." Mr. Wilson gave me infinite sKtis£sodon by the gentility of his demeanour, and the roguish looks he now and then east at the ladies ; but we fear his excessive modesty threw him into some little confusion, for he absolutely foigot himself, and im the ^nboUe course of his eaUanoes and exits, never once Diade his bow to the audience. On the whole, however, I think he has a fine voice, sings widi great taate, and is a very modest, ^ood-lookiog little man ; but I beg leave to repeat dw advice «o often given by the illustrious tenants of the theatrical aky- parlour, to the gentlemen who are chei|^ with the "nice conduct" of diairs and tables — "Make a bow, Johnny — Johnny, make a bow ! " I cannot, on this occasion, bat express my soir -'« that * An caUfmtiad dark*, tiMpenAed from a poplar in front of tko ihip «f Pal^ a mails ibUct in Bmdwsjr. ■oau AOOODire vv nxBAS H 41 inff what agomes thej soffBr lAale a piece ef 1m^ ig^hij^ing. I defy any mm of common bnmani^, and wm^^^ not me heart df a CSiootaw, to contemplate the ooantenam^^Aoe dT Aeee vaAmppj Tiotims of a fidcBe-stiok, without fSeem (iment of compeMion. His whole visage is distorted ; hel op his <^es, as M'Sycophant says, " I»e a dock in thunder,** and tlra music seems to operate upon him like a fit of the ofadie : his veiy iboweis seem to sympathise at every twang of the oatgat, as if he heard at dmt moment the waUings <« iStkt helpless animal tliat had been sacrificed to harmony. Nor does tlie hero of tbe ordieatxa seem less affected : as soon as the signal is given, he seizes his fiddle-stick, makes a horriUe azimaee, and scowls fiercely upon his music-book; as though he woald grin eveiy crotdiet and «[uaver out of countenance. I have sometimes particulaiiy noticed a hungry4oc^ing Qaul, who torments a huge bass viol, and who is doubtless the original of the finnous " Baw-faead and bloody-bones," so potent in fita^tenia^ nanf^ty children. The person who payed the French horn was very exoelleDt way ; but Snivers could not relisih his performance. m having some time since heard a gentleman amateur m Gothfon play a solo on his prohoseist in a style infinitely superior : Snout, the beMows-mender, never tuned his wind instrument moire musicaHy ; nor lUd the celebrated *' knight of the burning lamp*' ever yield more exquisite entertainment widi his nose. Tim gentleman had latterly ceased to exhibit this prodigious aooomplishment ; having, it was whispered, hired out his snoot to a ferryman, who had lost his oonch- shell ; — the oonse^oence was, that he did not show his nose in company so frequent^ as before. Simno late Hie other evening in my elbow-chair, indulging in that kind of indolent meditation which I consider the per- liBction of huoum bliss, I wm roused from my reverie by the eo^ranoe of an old servant in the Cocklolt livery, who handed me a letter, contahmig the following address from my cousin and old collage chnm, Pikbas t/OCKLorr. Hooost Andrew, as he delivered it, informed me that his master, who resides a little way from town, readina a small pamphlet in a neat yellow cover, rubbed his hands with 8ymp> tons «f fiesA satiaiiietioQ, odled for his favourite Chinese ink- a V ^ so SOME ACCOUNT OF PIKVAB COCKLOFT. Stand, with two sprawling candarins for its supporters, and wrote the letter which he had the honour to prraent me. As I foresee my cousin will one day become a great favourit* with the public, and as I know him to be somewhat punctilious as it respects etiquette, I shall take this opportunity to gratify the old gentleman, by giving him a proper introduction to the fashionable world. The Cockloft family, to which I have the comfort of being related, has been fruitful in old bachelors and humourists, as will be perceived when I come to treat more of its history. My cousin Pindar is one of its most conspicuous members — he is now in his fifty-eighth year, is a bachelor, partly through choice, and partly through chance, and an oddity of the first water. Half his life has been employed in writing odes, sonnets, epigrams, and elegies, which he seldom shows to anybody but myself after they are written : — and all the old chests, drawers, and chair-bottoms in the house teem with his productions. In his younger days he figured as a dashing blade in the great world ; and no young fellow of the town wore a longer pig-tail, or carried more buckram in his skirts. From sixteen to thirty he was continually in love ; and during that period, to use his own words, he bescribbled more paper than would serve the theatre for snow-storms a whole season. The even- ing of his thirtieth birthday, as he sat by the fireside, as much in love as ever was man in this world, and writing the name of his mistress in the ashes, with an old tongs that had lost one of its legs, he was seized with a whim-wham that he was an old fool to be in love at his time of life. It was ever one of the Cockloft characteristics to strike to whim ; and had Pindar stood out on this occasion, he would have brought the reputation of his mother in question. From that time he gave up all particular attention to the ladies ; and though he ■till loves their company, he has never been known to exceed the bonds of common courtesy in his intercourse with them. He was the life and ornament of our family circle in town, tmtil the epoch of the French Revolution, which sent so many unfortunate dancing-masters from their country to polish and enlighten our hemisphere, ^fiua was a sad time for Pindar, whohad taken a genuine Cockloft prejudice against everything French, ever since he was brought to death's door by a ragout: he groaned at ^a Inu and the Marseilles Hymn had much tiie same efSect upon him that sharpening • knife on t 801R AOGOUKT OF PINDAR OOCKLOPT. ft diy whetstone bas upon some people — it set his teeth chatter* ing. He might in time have been reconciled to these rubs, had not the introdaotion of French cockades on the hats of our citizens absolutely thrown him into a fever. The first time he saw an instance of this kind, he came home with great precipitation, packed up his trunk, his old-fashioned writing-desk, and his Chinese inkstand, and made a kind of growling retreat to Cockloft Hall, where he has resided over since. My cousin Pindar is of a mercurial disposition — a humorist without ill-nature : — he is of the true gunpowder temper — one flash and all is over. It is true, when the wind is easterly, or the gout gives him a gentle twinge, or he hears of any new successes of the French, he will become a little splenetic; and heaven help the man, and more particularly the woman, that crosses his humour at that moment — she is sure to receive no quarter. These are the most sublime moments of Pindar. I swear to you, dear ladies and gentlemen, I would not lose one of these splenetic bursts for the best wig in my wardrobe, even though it were proved to be the identical wig worn by the sage Linkum Fidelius, when he demonstratod, before the whole university of Leyden, that it was possible to make bricks without straw. I have seen the old gentleman blaze forth such a volcanic explosion of wit, ridicule, and satire, that I was almost tompted to believe him inspired. But these sallies only lasted for a moment, and passed like summer clouds over the benevolent sunshine which ever warmed his heart and lighted up his countenance. Time, though it has dealt roughly with his person, has passed lightly over the graces of his mind, and left him in full possession of all the sensibilities of youth. His eye kindles at the relation of a noble or generous action— his heart melts at the story of distress — and he is still a warm admirer of the fair. Like all old bachelors, however, he looks back with a fond and lingering eye on the period of his boyhood, and would sooner suffer the pangs of matrimony than acknowledge that the world, or anything in^it, is half so clever as it was in those good old times that are " gone by." I believe I have already mentioned that with all his good qualities he is a humorist, and a humorist of the hi^est order. He has some of the most intolerable whim-whams I ever met with in my life, and his oddities are sufficient to eke ( POETBBAI. AUDI room caemuoiwr. out • hniubad tolenUe origiads. Balliatt.iia thai; MMra^ haa bam toU to nukmmdeaan tohnom nunti; •ad I am nuwb flnBtekan if^ in the eavrav o£ hal£«pdoaan af oar nombera, ha don't febklft, {dagoav {doaae, aad peij^ac dM whole town, and oompletaly estdUiah hb chdm to the k&> leateahip he hae solieUed, and witk n^ch we herelif invaat hkn ; recommending faun and his effinnona^ to peblic revefenee nd respect. hAJoisoiajn luveamv., TO LAUNCELOT LANG8TAFF, ESQ. As I find yoftt have taken liie foini, To pat our gay town and ita fiair und«r cbnll, I offer my lu>pes for success to yoiur cauae. And send yoit untamish'd my mite o£ ap^raae. Ah, Launce, this poor town has been wofidly fiush'd ; Has long been be-Frencfaman'd, be-^oekney'd, be-traah'd ; And our lacKes be-deviU'd, bewilderH astr^r, From ^e roles of their grandHfonies hakfewandsr'd dray. No longer that modest demeaaour- we meet^ Which whilom the eyes of onr ikthers did qjset; No longer be-mobbled, be-mffl'd, be<^H'd, Be-powder'd, be-hooded, be^pati^'d, sad be-fKU'd ; No longer our fidr ones their nograms display. And stm in brocfcade, strut ** uke castfes" away. Oh, how fondly my soul forme, departed has trasedr When our ladies in stays, and in bodice weU laced. When bishop'd, and cushion'd» and hoof 'd to' the ohin«. Well calash'd without, and weU. beL^r d ^rathia ; All cased in their buckrams, from crown down to tail» Like O'Brallagan's mistress* were shaped like a paiL Well — peace to those fkshions — ^the joy of our eyes-— Tempera mutantur— new follies will rise ;. Tet, " like joys that are past," they still crowd on the. mind, In moments of thoogfat. as the aovi Iboks behind. Sweet days of oar boyhood, gone by, my dear Launce* Like the shadows of night, or the forms in a trance : Yet oft we retrace those bright visions again ; Nos mutwtur, 'tis true, but those vinon* rwnaiiik PORIOAL ADDI OOtiKLOlT. I recall with AtH^f^ how my 1 When soflM cMicalt foot from kv dMa^er woalil poop; And when I a naat stodui^'d ankle aoakl apj, — By the sages ef old» I was lapt to tho sky! All then was retiring —was modest— discreet ; The beauties, all shrouded, were left to conceit ; To the visions which Fancy would form in her eyer Of naces tiiat snug in so&' ambush would lie. And the heart, like the poets, in thought would ponue The elysinm of blisSt wmch was ireil'd fnm. its view We are old-fashionU fellows, our nieces will say : Old-fashims'd, indeed, cos — and swear it Aey may— For I freely eonfesv that it yields> me no pnGreek ; but by the assistance of Will Wiziml,. who understands all languages, not excepting that manufactured by Psalmanasar, I have been enabled to accomplish a tolerable translation. We should have found litde diflBculty in rendering it into English had it not been for Musta{^'8 confounded pothookf and trammeli. LETTXB/rom Mustapha Rob-a-dub Eeli Khak, Caftmn of a Kitch, to AsEM Haochbm, principal Siam-drivtr to Hit Hightttu th» Bmhau of Trtpo/t. Thou wilt learn from this letter, moot iUustrious disciple of Mahomet, that I have for some time resided in New York ; the most priished, vest, and magnificent city of the United States of America. — ButwhattomettreUsdolighfti? Iwander !^H II r * 38 IIUSTAPHA BUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN a captive through its splendid streets ; I turn a heavy eye on every rising day that beholds me banished from my ("ountry. The Christian husbands here lament most bitterly any short absence from home, though they leave but one tvife behind to lament their departure ; — what then must be the feelings of thy unhappy kinsman while thus lingering at an immeasur* able distance from three-and-twenty of the most lo' ely and obedient wives in all Tripoli ! Oh, Allah ! shall thy servant never again return to his native land, nor behold his beloved wives, who beam on his memory beautiful as the rosy mom of the east, and graceful as Mahomet's camel ! Yet beautiful, oh, most puissant slave-driver, as are my wives, they are far exceeded by the women of this country. Even those who run about the streets with bare arms and necks (et catera), whose habiliments are too scanty to protect them either from the inclemency of the seasons or the sera* tiniziug glances of the curious, and who it would seem belong to nobody, are lovely as the houris that people the elysium of true believers. If, then, such as run wild in the highways, and whom no one cares to appropriate, are thus beauteous, what must be the charms of those who are shut up in the seraglios, and never permitted to go abroad? Surely the region of beauty, the valley of the graces, can contain nothing 80 inimitably fair! But, notwithstanding the charms of these infidel women, they are apt to have one fault, which is extremely troublesome and inconvenient. Wouldst thou believe it, Asem, I have been positively assured by a famous dervise (or doctor, as he is here called), that at least one-fifth part of them—have souls ! In- credible as it may seem to thee, I am the more inclined to believe them in possp iBmak motes among them. Thoa knowest how invalnaUe «ie these silent companions ; what a prioo is given for them in the east, and what entertaining wivea they make. What deligbtA^ cnto^ tainment arises firom beholdixig tbe nient elofiieooa of thek ■igns and geetorea ; hut a wm poasesaed both of a tongaa and a soul — monstrous ! monstrous ! Is it aatoni^ng that these unhappy infidels should shrink from « union with a woman so preposterously endowed? Thou hast doubtleaa read in the works oi Abnl Fan^, the Arabian historian, the tradition which mentiens thct the muses were once npon the jpoint of falliag togedier by the ears, about the admission ef a tenth among ueir nmnber, nntil she assured them by signs that die was dumb ; where- npon they reeoived her with great rgoicing. I dMrald, per> haps, inform thee that there are but nine Christian muses, who were formerly pagans, but have sinee been converted; ■nd that in this country we never bear ef « tenth, nidess aome crazy poet wishes to pay an hypeihoiical eompliment to his mistress, on which ooeasioa it goes bard but she figures as a tenth mse, or fourth grace, even though she sbould be more alliterate than « Hottentot, and more ungraceful than a dancing bearl Since m^ arrival in this coantry I have OMt * nit it iltD ta alhinaii to lira minitiTe baUti of Mr. leifcnan, wko, 1 at ^ liiMlit WIS Pnttdaia of Ajnariok, and ra otnahMii whtn • HtHe ti iho ** ptai) and cnDmattuwo" tf oOoo would set iivtttf iiiiPMHibb witli that ■kaation, wat aoeuttomod to dnua in tira plaiaatt w b ; ana whta on konebaek, to be withoat an attendant : to that bo wat voqaontly toon, wlieB tho paWe bnrinatt reqvhrod liit eratonee, ridinf alooe dnoogh tho •Inota of watbfngtoa ; and, bavfaif tied ait bono to a foot, woaMonterllM ' to toMHoot tho baiiMM of tba I 81 not kn tlua a liuadred of thete soperaumenuy muses and aftj Allah presenre me firom evor meeting any more! When I htn^ stodied diu people more proibimdly, I will write thee cgaia ; in the mean time watdi over my household, md do not heat my beloved wives nnless you eatdi them with their nosee oat at the window. Thou(^ fiur distant, and a ahive, let me U^ in thy heart as thou livest in mine. Think set, friend of my«oul, that the qplendoan of this luxurious ea|»tal, its fprgaona palaces, its stupendous j&osques, and the beantiAil frimales who nm wild in herds about its streets, can oUiterate thee ftom my remembrance. Thy name shall still be mentioned in the five-and-twenty prayers which I offer up duly ; and mi^ our great prophet, after bestowing on thee aU the blessings of this li£e, at length, in a good old age, lead thee gently by the hand, to eryoj the dignity ai basluiw of three tails in the blissful bowers of Eden.— Mdstafha. FASHIONS. Mt AKTHOHT ETEBOBBEK, OEVT. The following article is furnished me by a young lady of nnquestionable taste, and who is the oracle of fashion and frippenr. Being deeply initmted into all the mysteries of the toilet, she has promised me, from time to time, a similar detail: — Mas. ToouB has for some time ragae'l tinrivalled in the fashionable world, and had the supreme direction of caps, bonnets, feathers, flowera, and tinsel She has dressed and undressed oar ladies juat as she pleased ; now loading them with velvet and wadding, now turning them adrift upon the werld, to run ahiveriag through the streets with soareely a covering to their — hacks ; and now obliging them to drag a long train at their heela, like the tail of a paper kite. Her despotic sway, however, threatens to be limited. A dangerous rival has sprung np in the person of Madame Bouchard, an intrepid litUe woman, fresh uom the head-quarters of £uhion and foU^, and who has bunt like a seooad Bonwarte upA-DUB KEU KHAK band opened a most tremendous batteiy of drams, fifes, tam- bourines, and trumpets, and kept up a thundering assault, as if the castle, like the walls of Jericho, spoken of in the Jewish Chronicles, would tumble down at the blowing of rams' horns. After some time a parley ensued. The grand bashaw of the city appeared on tho battlements of the castle, and, as far as I could understand from circumstances, dared the little bashaw of two tails to single combat : — this thou knowest was in the style of ancient chivalry. The little bashaw dismounted with great intrepidity, and ascended the battlements of the castle, where the great bashaw waited to receive him, attended by numerous dignitaries and worthies of his court, one of whom bore the splendid banners of the castle. The battle was car* ried on entirely by words, according to the universal custom of this country, of which I shall speak to thee more fully hereafter. The grand bashaw made a furious attack in a speech of considerable length; the little bashaw, by no means appalled, retorted with great spirit The grand bashaw attempted to rip him up with an argument, or stun him with a solid fact; but the little bashaw parried them both with admirable adroit- ness, and run him clean through and through with a syllo- gism. The grand bashaw was overthrown, the banners of the castle yielded up to the little bashaw, and the castle surren- dered after a vigorous defence of three hours — during which the besiegers suffered great extremity from muddy streets and a drizzling atmosphere. On returning to dinner, I soon discovered that, as usual, I had been indulging in a great mistake. The matter was all clearly explained to me by a fellow-lodger, who on ordinary occasions moves in the humble character of a tailor, but in the present instance figured in a high military station, deno- minated corporal. He informed mo that what I had mis- taken for a castle was the splendid palace of the municipality, and that the supposed attack was nothing more than the delivery of a flag given by the authorities to the army, for its magnanimous defence of the town for upwards of twenty years past ; that is, ever since the last war ! Oh ! my friend, surely everything in this country is on a great scale ! The conversation insensibly turned upon the military establish- ment of the nation ; and I do assure thee that my friend the tailor, though being, according to the national proverb, but the ninth part of a man, yet acquitted himself on military TO ABOALLAH EBN AL BAHAB. 40 eoncems as ably as the grand bashaw of the empire himself. He observed, diat their rulers had decided that wars were very useless and expensive, and ill befitting an economic, philosophic nation ; they had, therefore, made ap their minds never to have any wars, and consequently there was no need of soldiers or military discipline. As, however, it was thought highly ornamental to a city to have a number of men dressed in fine clothes and feathen strutting about the streets on a holiday, and as the women and children were particularly fond of such raree shoves, it was ordered that the tailors of the different cities throughout the empire should forthwith go to work, and cut out and manufacture soldiers as fast as their shears and needles would jiermit. These soldiers have no pecuniary pay; and their only recompense for the immense services which they render their country, in their voluntary parades, is the plunder of smiles, and winks, and nods, which they extort from the ladies As they have no opportunity, like the vagrant Arabs, of making inroads on their neighboura, and as it is necessary to keep up their military spirit, the town is therefore now and then, but particularly on two days of the year, given up to their ravages. The arrangements are contrived with admirable address, so that every officer from the bashaw down to die drum-major, the chief of the eunuchs or musicians, shall have his share of that invaluable booty — the admiration of the fair. As to the soldiers, poor animals, they, like the privates in all great armies, have to bear the brunt of danger and fatigue, while the officera receive all the glonrand reward. The narrative of a parade day will exemplify this more clearly : — The chief bashaw, in Uie plenitude of his authority, orders a grand review of the whole army at two o'clock. The bashaw with two tails, that he may have an opportunity of vapouring about as the greatest man on the field, ordere the army to assemble at twelve. The kiaya, or colonel, as he is called, that is, commander of one hundred and twenty men, ordera his regiment or tribe to collect one mile at least from the place of parade at eleven. Each captain, or fag-rag as we term them, commands his squad to meet at ten, at least half-a-mile firom the regimental parade ; and to close all, the chief of the ennuchs orden his infernal concert of fifes, trumpets, cymbals, and kettle-drums, to assemble at ten! From that moment the citj receives no quarter. All is noise, i 50 MUSTAPHA BUB-A-DDB KELI KUAN hooting, hubbab. and combustion. Every window, door, OTftck, and loop-hole, from the garret to the cellar, is crowded with the fascinating fair of all ages and of all complexions. The mistress bmiles through the windows of the drawing- room ; the chubby chambermaid lolls out of the attic case- meut ; and a host of sooty wenches roll their white eyes, and grin and chatter from the cellar door. Every nymph seems anxious to yield voluntarily that tribute which die heroes of their country demand. First struts the chief eunuch, or drum-major, at the head of his sable band, magnificently arrayed in tarnished scarlet. Alexander himself could not have spumed the earth more superbly. A host of ragged boys shout in his train, and inflate the bosom of the warrior with tenfold self-complacency. After he has rattled his kettle-drums through the town, and swelled and swaggered like a turkey-cock before all the dingy Floras, and Dianas, and Junos, and Didos of his acquaintance, he repairs to hia place of destination loaded with a rich booty of smiles and approbation. Next comes the fag-rag, or captain, at the head of his mighty band, consisting of one lieutenant, one ensign or mute, four sergeants, four corporals, one drummer, one fifer, and if he has any privates, so much the better for him- self. In marching to the regimental parade, he is sure to paddle through the street or lane which is honoured with the residence of his mistress or intended, whom he resolutely lays under a heavy contribution. Truly it is delectable to behold these heroes as they march along cast side glances at the upper windows, to collect the smiles, the nods, and the winks, which the enraptured fair ones lavish profusely on the magnanimous defenders of their country. The fag-rags having conducted their squads to their respec- tive regiments, then comes the turn of the colonel, a bashaw with no tails, for all eyes are now directed to him ; and the fag-rags, and the eunuchs, and the kettle-drummers, having hid their hour of notoriety, are confounded and lost in the military crowd. The colonel seta his whole regiment in motion ; and mounted on a mettlesome charger, msks, and fidgeta, and capers, and plunges in front, to the great enter- tainmant of the multitude, and the great hazard of himself and his neighbours. Having displayed himself, his trappiqgp, hia horse, and his horsemimship, he at length arrives at ^e ]^aoe of general rendezvous, blessed wiUi the ooiTeiMl TO ABDALLAH EB M AL RAUAB. HI w, door, crowded iplexions. drawing- Lttic case- eyes, and pb seems heroes of unuch, or gnificently could not of ragged ihe warrior rattled his swMJgered ad Dianas, )airs to his smiles and at the head one ensign ammer, one ;ter for him- lb is sure to uoured "with be resolutely delectable to de glances at lods, and the >fusely on the > their respec- mel, a bashaw him ; and the nmers, having od lost in the ) regiment in jer, fristo, and le great enter- lard of himself f^his trappingpi h arrives at the the anitenil admiration of his countrywomen. I should, perhaps, mention a squadron of hardy veterans, most of whom hare seen a deal <^ service during the nineteen or twenty years of their exist- ence, and who, most gorgeously equipped in tight green jackets and breeches, trot, and amble, and gallop, and scamper like little devils through every street, and nook, and corner, and poke-hole of the city, to the great dread of all old people and sage matrons with young children. This is truly sublime! this is what I call making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Oh, my friend, on what a great scale is everything in this country. It is in the style of the wandering Arabs of the desert £l-tih. Is a village to be attacked, or a hamlet to be plundered, the whole desert, for weeks beforehand, is in a buzz; — such marching and countermarching ere they can concentrate their ragged forces ! and the consequence is, that before they can bring their troops into action the whole enter- prise is blown. The army being all happily collected on the battery, though perhaps two hours after the time appointed, it is now the turn of the bashaw with two tails to distinguish himself. Ambition, my friend, is implanted alike in every heart; it pervades each bosom, from the bashaw to the drum-major. This is a sage truism, and I trust, therefore, will not be disputed. The bashaw, fired with that thirst for glory inse- parable from the noble mind, is anxious to reap a full share of the laurels of the day, and bear off his portion of female plunder. The drums beat, the fifes whistle, the standards wave proudly in the air. The signal is given ! thunder roars the cannon ! away goes the bashaw, and away go the tails ! The review finished, evolutions and military mancBuvres are generally dispensed with, for three excellent reasons : first, because the army knows very little about them ; second, because as the country has determined to remain always at peace, there is no necessity for them to know anything about them; and third, as it is growing late, the bashaw must despatch, or it wiU be too dark for bim to get his quota of the plunder. He, of course, orders the whole army to march : and now, my friend, now comes the tug of war, now is the city completely sacked. Open fly the battery gates— forth salhes the bashaw with his two tails, surrounded by a shouting body-guard of boys and negroes ! then pour forth his legions, potent as the pismires oi the desert ! the eostomary siuatft- £ d Vr] 69 MUSTAPHA TO ABOALLAU EB N AL BAHAB. tioos of the country commence — those tokens of joj and admiration which so much annoyed me on first landing : the air is darkened with old hats, shoes, and dead cats ; they fly in showers, like the arrows of the Parthians. The soldiers, no ways disheartened, like the intrepid followers of Leonidas, inarch gallantly under their shade. On they push, splash- dash, mud or no mud, down one lane, up another; —the martial music resounds through every street ; the fair ones throng to their windows; the soldiers look every way but straight forward. " Carry arms ! " cries the bashaw — " tanta ra-ra," brays the trumpet — "rub-a-dub," roars the drum — "hurraw," shout the ragamuffins. The bashaw smiles with exultation— every fag-rag feels himself a hero — "none but the brave deserve the fair ! " Head of the immortal Amrou, on what a great scale is everything in this country ! Ay, but you'll say, is not this unfair, that the officers should share all the sports, while the privates undergo all the fatigue? Truly, my friend, I indulged the same idea, and pitied from my heart the poor fellows who had to drabble through the mud and the mire, toiling under ponderous cocked hats, which seemed as unwieldy and cumbrous as the shell which the snail lumbers along on his back. I soon found out, however, that they have their quantum of notoriety. As soon as the army is dismissed, the city swarms with little scouting parties, who fire off their guns at every comer, to the great delight of all the women and children in their vicinity ; and woe unto any dog, or pig, or hog, that falls in the way of these magnanimous warriors; they are shown no quarter. Every gentle swain repairs to pass the evening at the feet of his dulcinea, to play " the soldier tired of war's alarms," and to captivate her with the glare of his regimentals ; excepting some ambitious heroes, who strut to the theatre, flame away in the front boxes, and Hector every old apple-woman in the lobbies. Such, my friend, is the gigantic genius of this nation, and its &culty of swelling up nothings into importance. Our bashaw of Tripoli will review his troops of some thousands by an early hour in the morning. Here a review of six hundred men is made the mighty work of a day ! With us a bashaw of two tails is never appointed to a command of less than ten thousand men; but here we behold every grade, from the bashaw down to the drummiyor, in a force of less than one- WILL WIZARDS EXPEDITION TO A MODERN BALL. 58 tenth of the number. By the beard of Mahomet, bat every- thing here is indeed on a great scale ! Ever thine, Mustapba. BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN. GENT. I WAS not a little surprised the other morning at a request from Will Wizard that I would accompany him that evening to Mrs. 's ball. The request was simple enough in itself ; it was only singular as coming from Will ; — of all my acquaintance Wizard is the least calculated and disposed for the society of ladies — not that he dislikes their company ; m the contrary, like every man of pith and marrow, he is a pro- fessed admirer of the sex; and had he been bom a poet, would undoubtedly have bespattered and berhymed soms hard-named goddess, until she became as famous as Petrarch. 3 Laura or Wfdler's Sacharissa ; but Will is such a confoundei bungler at a bow, has so many odd bachelor habits, axiil iicd^ it so troublesome to be gallant, that he generally p af&rs smoking his cigar and telling his story among cronies of his own gender; — and thundering long stories they are, lei^ me tell you : set Will once a going about China, or Grim Tarti<.ty, or the Hottentots, and Heaven help the poor victim who has to endure his prolixity ; he might better be tied to the tail o£ a jack-o'-lantem. In one word— Will talks like a traveller. Being well acquainted with his character, I was the more alarmed at his inclination to visit a party, since he has often assured me that he considered it as equivalent to being stuck up for three hours in a steam-engine. I even wondered how he had received an invitation ; — this he soon accounted for. It seems Will, on his last arrival from Canton, had made a present of a case of tea to a lady for whom he had once tr-ler- tained a sneaking kindness when at grammar-school, aui sha in return had invited him to come and drink some of it ; a cheap way enough of paying off little obligations. I readily acceded to Wills proposition, expecting much eu'^rtairiiment from his eccentric remarks ; and as he has \ ec n nhatnt some few years, I anticipated his smprise at the splendour and elegance of a modern rout. On calling for Will in the evening, I found him full dressed, waiting for me. I contemplated him with absolute dismay. As he still retained a spark of regard for the lady who onoe reigned in his affections, he had been at unusual pains in de- I 'f--M ^„X WIZXBP'S EXrEDITIOH „U upon hU ««»^»'°f ^,7, ,h„rt go^n; ?»f,XSo«. «rvei a good ho"«*«*„'" u «re *?«?.*. IS love Jwtalion m my f";»\J!Thi8 rakish »PP«»r'°WiU ex- '^^nn enMring the room I kfpt a 8?"* ""j.^ . tut he w one ^cUngto sel him «*>'"' '"r„e,e"ISr?ri^d at anjtbmg. rhain • and looking round on the oomj. j ^^ ^^^^ u d-d SS;JLC ornamented w.* a bottle. .JV'^ ^^ ^ ^. motto, and help himaell to a ^ „, witt's uV ; «. after he ^ P'fa^^V him into a comer where he ntumed it t« hu pooliet, i or TO A MODERN BAI.L. n might observe the company without being prominent objects oarwlTes. "And pray who is that stylish figure," said Will, "who blazes away in red, like a volcano, and wlio seems wrapped in flames like a fiery dragon ?" That, cried I, is Miss Laurelia Dashaway ; — she is the highest flash of the ton — has ranch whim and more eccentricity, and has reduced many an un- happy gentleman to stupidity by her charms ; yon see she holds out the red flag in token of " no quarter." " Then keep me safe out of the sphere of her attractions," cried Will ; " 1 would not e'en come in contact with her train, lest it should scorch me like the tail of a comet. — But who, I beg of you, is that amiable youth who is handing along a young lady, and at the same time contemplating his sweet person in a mirror as he passes ?" His name, said I, is Billy Dimple ; — he is a universal smiler, and would travel from Dan to Beersheba, and smile on everybody as he passed. Dimple is a slave to the ladies — a hero at tea-parties, and is famous at the pirouet and the pigeon-wing ; a fiddle-stick is his idol, and a dunce his elysium. " A very pretty young gentleman, truly," cried Wizard ; " he reminds me of a contempomnr beau at liayti. You must know that the magnanimous Dessaiines gave a great ball to his court one fine sultry summer's evening ; Dessy and I were great cronies; — hand and glove: — one of the most condescending great men I ever knew. Such a display of black and yellow beauties ! such a show of Madras handker- chiefs, red beads, cocks' tails, and peacocks' feathers !—i^ was, as here, who should wear the highest top-knot, drig the longest tails, or exhibit the greatest variety of combs, colours, and gew-gaws. In the middle of the rout, when all was buzz, slip-slop, clack, and pcriame, who should enter but Tucky Squash ! The yellow beauties blushed blue, and the black ones blushed as red as they could, with pleasure ; and there was a universal agitation of fans : every eye brightened and whitened to see Tucky ; for he was the pride of the court, the pink of courtesy, the mirror of fashion, the adoration of all th? sable fair ones of Hajti. Such breadth of nose, such exuber- ance of lip ! his shins had the true cucumber curve ; — ^his face in dancing shone like a kettle ; and, provided you kept to windward of him in summer, I do not know i sweeter youth in all Hayti than Tucky Squash. When h« laughed, there appeared from ear to ear a chevauz-de-frise of teeth, that •e WILL WIZARDS EXPEDITION TO A MODEBN BALL riTalled the shark's in whiteness ; he could whistle like a north-wester; play on a three-stringed fiddle like Apollo; and as to dancing, no Long-Island negro could shuffle yoa * double trouble,' or ' hoe com and dig potatoes,' more scien- tifically : in short, he was a second Lothario. And the dusl^ nymphs of Hayti, one and all, declared him a perpetual Adonis. Tucky walked about, whistling to himself, without regarding anybody ; and his nonchalance was irresistible." I found Will had got neck and heels into one of his travel- ler's stories ; and there is no knowing how far he would havj run his parallel between Billy Dimple and Tucky Squash, had not the music struck up from an adjoining apartment, and summoned the company to the dance. The sound seemed to have an inspiring effect on honest Will, and he j^ocured the hand of an old acquaintance for a country dance. It happened to be the fashionable one of " The devil among the tailors," which is so vociferously demanded at every ball and assembly : and many a torn gown, and many an unfortunate toe did rue the dancing of that night ; for Will thundered down the dance like a coach-and-six, sometimes right, sometimes wrong ; now running over half a score of little Frenchmen, and now mak- ing sad inroads into ladies' cobweb muslins and spangled tails. As every part of Will's body partook of the exertion, he shook from his capacious head such volumes of powder, that, like pious Eneas on his first interview with Queen Dido, he might be said to have been enveloped in a cloud. Nor was Will's partner an insignificant figure in the scene ; she was a young lady of most voluminous proportions, that quivered at eyerj skip ; and being braced up in a fashionable style with whalebone, stay-tape, and buckram, looked like an apple- pudding tied in the middle ; or, taking her flaming dress into consideration, like a bed and bolsters rolled up in a suit of red curtains. The dance finished. I would gladly have taken Will off, but no ; — he was now in one of his happy moods, and there was no doing anything with him. He insisted on my introducing him to Miss Sophy Sparkle, a young lady un- rivalled for playful wit and innocent vivacity, and who, like a brilliant, adds lustre to the front of fiashion. I accordingly presented him to her, and began a conversation, in which, I thought, he might take a share ; but no such thing. Will took his stand before her, straddling like a colossus, with his hands in his pockets, and an air of the most profound atten- POKTICAL EPISTLE TO THE LADIES. 67 tion ; nor did he pretend to open his lips for sonvj time, until, upon some lively sally of hers, he electrified tho vhole com- Mny with a most intolerable burst of laughter, ^'hat was to be done with such an incorrigible fellow ? To add to my dis- tress, the first word he spoke was to tell Miss Sparkle that something she said reminded him of a circumstance that hap- pened to him in China; — and at it he went, in the true traveller style— .^.^Tn.n^2: Thei.untho^e^«^5P1^7,„.V,: Kenownd for grotituae A little pe,t ^«f'jr^l, eountry oV; ■Who hopijd ""J* '*'PCii,ea on sope; wiif. sioi) d our tea, ana ii» w i- wLdaiii.i»wy»;-^J:^;T.U And many a maid debaucn Surpriiwd to meet in »!>?» """• Abookot.ucbhu>a»K.«.h»^ lchidmyni.c«,-b«tthey»y-_ Ti» all the pamion of the My POETICAL EPISTLE TO THE IJkDIES. That many a fashionable belle Will with enraptured accents dwell On the sweet morceau she has found In this delicious, curs'd compound ! Soft do the tinkling numbers roll, And lure to vice the unthinking soul ; They tempt by softest sounds away. They lead entranced the heart astray; /"fl Satan's doctrine sweetly sing. As with a seraph's heavenly string. 8uch sounds, so good, old Homer sung. Once warbled from the siren's tongue : Sweet melting tones were heard to pour Along Ausonia's sun-gilt shore ; — Seductive strains in ether float. And every wild deceitful note That could the yielding heart assail, Were wafted on the breathing gale ; And every gentle accent bland To tempt Ulysses to their strand And can it be this book so base la laid on every window-case ? Oh, fair ones ! if you will profane Those breasts where heaven itself should reign ; And throw those pure recesses wide. Where peace and virtue should reside ; To let the holy pile admit A guest unhallow'd and unBt; Pray, like the frail ones of the night. Who hide their wanderings from the light. So let your errors secret be, And hide, at least, your fault from me ; Seek some bye comer to explore The smooth polluted pages o'er : There drink the insidious poison in, There sMy nurse your souls for sin : And while that parity you blight Which stamps you messengers of light. And sap those mounds the gods battow To keep you tpotlesi here below, 60 Account or THE FAMILl 8tm in compassion to otir^ce, Who ioY not only in the face, The .ecret temple of *« »«'f„ ^, VI-FEIDAY. MARCH M. 180T. '■""."irhThaTmade such frequent W» trace their descent 'r"" " . , „( Britain, who leB Sn W the progenitor »« ^« ."S^f ai.g»rt : and cominB ST^tive country on »^'»°J„S of ^^ ^^S^' ^ So Wales »«can.e a pe^;™^^ a,e .ojage «hjch end^ ^-.^moanied that famous arg""«* TViouah a member ot tne ^heCcovery of this conUnent Though^ ^^^ .^^tenticity family. 1 bave sometimes ^^^^'J^? '^g,eat vexation of cousin tIw nortion of their annals, to t»^e gre» ^ y^ouse ; SS like that ot Adam and Eve. « ; »„y «^ of Kmost incredible; »* /»» ^^^en »f 8»""° ^°°^ I rSuntry«idio«t '..rung aj^^n^^ „f "P'r''""^ Every person of «>» "" 'VP.^tice of marrying coueinB, tave observed that where .tl»». P^J^J^i,. every member, m „d second-cousin;. P"™^ '"^ Sm» queer. bumoro». Se course of » '«" .SSnauTshed from t\e common .«» and original; as much *'f"8"'']'^erent species. Thw h« rmongrels. «. '^^ t J ^rtiSly in .hat br»ich rf^ or THE COCKLOFTS. 61 uch frequent truth in the sin's library, aman knight, tain, vho left and coming c Madoc, and a which ended nemberof the le authenticity Ation of cousin of our house ; lid sooner give r\e limb of the jen the rule for b; and as thev eased and mul- i, their number into any part/* mine Cocklofts. Bxperience must larrying cousins, yery member, m lueer, humorous, he common race ,ecies. This has that branch of it , head. Christo- the name vho re- j lost most of hii children when young by the excessive care he took to bring them up like vegetables. This was one of his first whim- whams, and a confounded one it was ; as his children might have told, had they not fallen victims to his experiment be- fore they could talk. He had got from some quack philo80« Eher or other a notion that there was a complete analog etween children and plants, and that they ought to be both reared alike. Accordingly, he sprinkled them every morning with water, laid them out in the sun, as he did his geraniums, and if the season was remarkably dry, repeated this wise ex- periment three or four times of a morning. The consequence was, the poor little souls died one after the other, except Jeremy and his two sisters ; who, to be sure, are a trio of as odd, runty, mummy-looking originals, as ever Hogarth fan- cied in his most happy moments. Mrs. Cockloft, the larger if not the better half of my cousin, often remonstrated against this vegetable theory, and even brought the parson of the parish in which my cousin's country-house is situated to her aid ; but in vain : Christopher persisted, and attributed the failure of his plan to its not having been exactly conformed to. As I have mentioned Mrs. Cockloft, I may as well say a little more about her while I am in the humour. She is a lady of wonderful notability, a warm admirer of shining ma- hogany, clean hearths, and her husband ! whom she considers the wisest man in the world, bating Will Wizard and the parson of our parish ; the last of whom is her oracle on all occasions. She goes constantly to church every Sunday and saint's day, and insists upon it, that no man is entitled to ascend a pulpit unless he has been ordained by a bishop ; nay, so fifur does she cany her orthodoxy, that all the arguments in the world will never persuade her that a Presbyterian or Baptist, or even a Calvinist, has any possible chance of going to heaven. Above everything else, however, she abhors Pa- ganism ; — can scarcely refrain from laying violent hands on a Pantheon when she meets with it ; and was very niah going into hysterics when my cousin insisted that one of his boys should be christened i^ter our laureate, because the parson of the parish had told her that Pindar was the name of a Pagan writer, fiunous for his love of boxing-matches, wrestling, and horse-racing. To sum up all her qualifications in the shortest possible way, Mn. Cockloft is, in me true sense of the phrase, a good sort of a woman ; and I often oongratttlata my cousin «;8 ACCOUST OF THB FAIULT . ftHnfamUYCOOMSta of Jeremy d.e, "« '^ y^^flb* Vh«. Iver been the ^^^J^^ every inc j ^jolci <1»^«_"' r ^ plbow-chair are R:Si« cSSstopher: jnd ove^heta ev«y__^ ^.^^ .^j, ^ C0U810 J^" ^ ^ the cook in tne »•»• -jeeted with hoowhoW, doOT to fo, three week. p«jk««»«' aom t""°ZnaOT ofwo worthy °ld rt^^^e don. Utd. Avea in their buttocKs , "^ , . . numerous company iw. OP THE COCKLOFTS. 63 Jeremy led, and as they not that t on the n to call he souths >f an old- •chair are eal times, nominated ieman has ved up afl ind onions, the table, elf. e )r most old honorary klofts; and aalf a score e, from all I regard for mber of his ith their at- greeted with » came down e done little J, knit Btock- «n here; the les of sheeted , large goggle L servants dare ompany at his Btum his hos- remind him of ,f apple sweet- Jeremy dispUya 7 relations, who idedin"g«pin§ lately frightfliwd rmvingitaslui shed to ashes by the eccentric gambols of the fiimous comet, so much talked of; and positively asserted that this world revolved round the sun, and that the moon was certainly inhabited. The &mily mansion bears equal marios of antiquity with its inhabitants. As the Cocklofts are remarkable for their attach- ment to everything that has remained long in the family, they are bigoted towards their old edifice, and I dare say would sooner have it crumble about their ears than abandon it The consequence is, it has been so patched up and repaired, that it has become as full of whims and oddities as its tenants ; requires to be nursed and humoured like a gouty old codger of an alderman ; and reminds one of the famous ship in which a certain admiral circumnavigated the globe, which was so patched and timbered, in order to preserve so great a curiosity, that at length not a particle of the original remained. Whenever the wind blows, the old mansion makes a most perilous groaning ; and every storm is sure to make a day's work for the carpenter, who attends upon it as regularly as the family physician. This predilection for everything that has been long in the family shows itself in every parti- cular. The domestics are all grown gray in the service of our house. We have a little, old, crusty, gray-headed negro, who has lived through two or three generations of the Cocklofts, and of course has become a personage of no little importance in the household. He calls all the family by their christian names ; tells long stories about how he dandled them on his knee when they were children ; and is a complete Cockloft chronicle for the last seventy years. The family carriage was made in the lost French war, and the old horses were most indubitably foaled in Noah's-ark — resembling marvellously, in gravity of demeanour, those sober animal*; which may be seen any day of the year in the streets of Philadelphia, walk- ing their snail's pace, a dozen in a row, and harmoniously jingling their bells. Whim-whams are the inheritance of the Cocklofts, and every member of the household is a humorist, m geMfis, from the master down to the footman. The very cats and dogs are humorists ; and we have a little runty scoun- drel of a cur, who, whenever the church bells ring, will run to the street door, turn up his nose in the vrind, and howl most piteously. Jeremy insists that this is owing to a pecu- liar delicai^ in the organization of his ears, and supports his poaition by many learned arguments, which nobody can undep> 64 ACCOUNT or THE FAMILT stand ; but I am of opinion that it is a mere Cockloft whim- wham, which the little cur indulges, being descended from a race of dogs which has flourished in the family ever since the time of my grandfather. A propensity to save everything that bears the stamp of family antiquity has accumulated an abundance of trumpery and rubbish, with which the house ^s encumbered, from the cellar to the garret ; and every room, and closet, and comer, is crammed with three-legged chairs, clocks without hands, swords without scabbards, cocked hats, broken candlesticks, and looking-glasses with frames carved into fantastic shapes of feathered sheep, woolly birds, and other animals that have no name except in books of heraldiy. The ponderous mahogany chairs in the parlour are of such unwieldy proportions, that it is quite a serious undertaking to gallant one of them across the room ; and sometimes make a most equivocal noise when you sit down in a hurry ; the mantelpiece is decorated with little lacquered earthen shepherdesses — some of which are without toes, and others without noses ; and the fire-place is garnished out with Dutch tiles, exhibiting a great variety of Scripture pieces, which my good old soul of a cousin takes infinite delight in explaining. Poor Jeremy hates them as he does poison; for while a younker, he was obliged by his mother to learn the history of a tile every Sunday morning, before she would permit him to join his playmates : this was a terrible afiair for Jeremy, who by the time he had learned the last had foi*gotten the first, and was obliged to begin again. He assured me the other day, with a round college oath, that if the old house stood out till he inherited it, he would have those tiles taken out, and ground into powder, for the perfect hatred he bore them. My cousin Christopher ei^joys unlimited authority in the mansion of his forefathers ; he is truly what may be termed a hearty old blade — has a florid, sunshiny countenance, and, if you will only praise his wine, and laugh at his long stories, himself and his house are heartily at your service. The first condition is indeed easily complied with, for to tell the truth, bis wine is excellent ; but his stories, being not of the best, and often repeated, are apt to create a disposition to yawn, being, in addition to their other qualities, most unreasonably long. His prolixity is the more afflicting to me, since I have all his stones by heart ; and when he enters upon one, it reminds me of Newark causeway, where the traveller sees the or THE OOCKLOnS. tf6 t wbim- i from a jince the rerytbing ilated an house ^B iiy room* id chain, ked hats, es carved ,ird8, and heraldry. •e of such idertaking imes make lurry; the i earthen and others jnth Dutch ;, which my explaining, for while a e history of mithim ta eremy, who (u the first, e the other ise stood out len out, and e them, lority in the y he termed tenance, and, long stories, «. The first «U the truth, ; of the best, tion to yawn, unreasonably , since I hare upon one, it veller sees the end at the distance of several miles. To the great misfor- tune of all his acquaintance, cousin Cockloft is blessed with a most provoking retentive memory, and can give day and date, and name and age and circumstance, with most unfeeling pre- cision. These, however, are but trivial foiblet), forgotten, or remembered only with a kind of tender respectful pity, by those who know with what a rich redundant harvest of kind- ness and generosity his heart is stored. It would delight you to see with what social gladness he welcomes a visitor into his house ; and the poorest man that enters his door never leaves it without a cordial invitation to sit down and drink a glass of wine. By the honest farmers round his coun- try seat, he is looked up to with love and reverence ; they never pass him by without his inquiring into the welfare of their families, and receiving a cordial shake of his liberal hand. There are but two classes of people who are thrown out of the reach of his hospitality — and these are Frenchmen and Democrats. The old gentleman considers it treason against the majesty of good breeding to speak to any visitor with his hat on ; but the moment a Democrat enters his door, he forthwith bids his man Fompey bring his hat, puts it on his head, and salutes him with an appalling "Well, sir, what do you want with me ?" He has a profound contempt for Frenchmen, and firmly believes that they eat nothing but frogs and soup-maigre in their own country. This unlucky prejudice is partly owing to my great aunt Pamela having been many years ago run away with by a French count, who turned out to be the son of a generation of barbers ; and partly to a little vivid spark of toryism, which bums in a secret comer of his heart. He was a loyal subject of the crown ; has hardly yet recovered the shock of Independence ; and, though he does not care to o\vn it, always does honour to his Majesty's birthday, by inviting a few cavaliers, like himself, to dinner, and gracing his table with more than ordinary festivity. If by chance the revolution is mentioned before him, my cousin shakes his head ; and you may see, if you take good note, a lurking smile of contempt in the comer of his eye, which marks a decided disapprobation of the sound. He once in the fulness of his heart observed to me, that green peas were a month kter than they were under the old government. But the most eccentric manifestation of loyalty he ever gave, was 66 ACCOQMT OF THS FAMILT I U making a voyage to Halifax, for no other reason under hearen but to hear his Majesty prayed for in church, as he used to be here formerly. This he never could be brought fairly to acknowledge ; but it is a certain het, I assure you. It is not a little singular that a person, so much given to long story- telling as my cousin, should take a liking to another of the same character : but so it was with the old gentleman— his prime favourite and companion is Will Wizard, who is almost a member of the family, and will sit before the fire, with bis feet on the massy andirons, and smoke his cigar, and screw his phiz, and spin away tremendous long stories of his travels, for a whole evening, to the great delight of the old gentleman and lady, and especially of the young ladies, who, like Dea- demona, do " seriously incline," and listen to him with innu- merable " dears," " is it possibles," " goody graciouses," and look upon him as a second Sinbad the sailor. The Miss Cocklofts, whose pardon I crave for not having par- ticularly introduced them before, are a pair of delectable dam- sels ; who, having purloined and locked up the family bible, pass for just what age they please to plead guilty to. Barbara, the eldest, has long since resigned the character of a belle, and adopted that staid, sober, demure, snufif-taking air, becoming her years and discretion. She is a good-natured soul, whom I never saw in a passion but once ; and that was occasioned by seeing an old favourite beau of hers kiss the hand of a pretty blooming girl ; and in truth, she only got angry because, as she very properly said, it was spoiling the child. Her sister Margeiy, or Maggie, as she is familiarly termed, seemed disposed to maintain her post as a belle, until a few months since ; when accidentally hearing a gentleman observe that she broke very fast, she suddenly left off going to the assembly, took a cat into high favour, and began to ml at the forward pertness of young misses. From that moment I set her down for an old maid; and so she is, " by the hand of my body." The young ladies are still visited by some half dozen of veteran beaux, who grew and flourished in the havt ton when the Miss Cocklofts were quite children, but have been brushed rather rudely by the hand of time, who, to say the truth, caa do almost anything but make people young. They are, notwith- standing, still warm candidates for female favour ; look vene- rably tender, and repeat over and over the same honeyed speeches and sugared sentiments to the little belles, that they OF IBB 0OCSIX>n8. 07 r beaf«ii led to be {airly to It is not ng Btory- theaamo lis prime almost a , i»ith hia jnd screw ds travels, gentleman like Des- with innu- rraciouses," having par- stable dam- j bible, pass Jatbara, tbe Et belle, and ecomingber horn I never by seeing an ;ty blooming as abevery ter Margery, disposed to since; wben le broke very ly, took a cat rd pertness of dovm for an body." The sen of veteran vbentboMias )rusbed ratber trutb, caa do y are, notwitb- ar ; look vene- same boneyed )eUe8, tbattbey poured 80 ]Hofu8ely into the ean of their mothers. I beg leave here to give notice, that by this sketch I mean no refloo- tion on old bachelors ; on the contrary, I hold that, next to a fine lady, the n$ phu ultra, an old bachelor is the moet charm- ing being upon earth ; inasmuch as by living in " single bless- edness, " he of course does just as he pleases ; and, if he has any genius, must acquire a plentiful stock of whiuu and oddities, and whalebone habits; without which I esc^em a man to be mere beef without mustard, good for nothing at all, but to run on errands for ladies, take boxes at the theatre, and act the part of a screen at tea-parties, or a walking-stick in the streets. I merely speak of tnose old boys who infest publio walks, pounce upon ladies from every comer of the street, and worry, and frisk, and amble, and caper before, behind, and round about the fashionable belles, like old ponies in a pasture* striving to supply the absence of youthful whim and hilarity by grimaces and grins, and artificial vivacity. I have some- times seen one of these " reverend youths" endeavouring to elevate his wintry passions into something like love, by bask- ing in the sunshine of beauty; and it did remind me of an old moth attempting to fly through a pane of glass towards a light, without ever approaching near enough to warm itself, or scorch its wings. Never, I firmly believe, did there exist a family that went more by tangents than the Cocklofts. Everything is governed by whim ; and if one member starts a new freak, away all tho rest follow on like wild geese in a string. As the family, the servants, the horses, the cats and dogs, have all grown old together, they have accommodated themselves to each others' ht^its completely ; and though every body of them is full of odd points, angles, rhomboids, and ins and outa, yet somehow or other they harmonize together like so many straight lines; and it is truly a grateful and refreshing sight to see them agree so well. Should one, however, get out of tune, it is like a cracked fiddle, the whole concert is ajar ; you perceive a cloud over every brow in the house, and even the old chairs seem to creak afifettuoso. If my cousin, as he is rather apt to do, betray any symptoms of vexation or uneasiness, no matter about what, he is worried to death with inquiries, which answer no other end but to demonstrate the goodwill of the inquirer, and put him in a passion ; for everybody knows how provoking it is to be cut short in a fit of the blues by an impertinent 111 ' -4 66 THSATBICS. question aboat "what is the matter?" when a man can't tell himself. I remember a few months ago the old gentleman came home in quite a squall ; kicked poor Cesar, the mastiff out of his way, as he came through the hall ; threw his hat on the table with a most violent emphasis, and pulling out his box, took three huge pinches of snuff, and threw a fourth into the cat's eyes, as be sat purring his astonishment by the fire- side. This was enough to set the body politic going ; Mrs. Cockloft began " my dearing " it as fast as tongue could move ; riie young ladies took each a stand at an elbow of his chair ; Jeremy marshalled in rear ; the servants came tumbling in ; the mastiff put up an inquiring nose ; and even grimalkin, after he had cleansed his whiskers and finished sneezing, dis- covered indubitable signs of sympathy. After the most affec- tionate inquiries on all sides, it turned out that my cousin, in crossing the street, had got his silk stockings bespattered with mud by a coach, which it seems belonged to a dashing gentle- man who had formerly supplied the family with hot rolls and muffins ! Mrs. Cockloft thereupon turned up her eves, and the young ladies their noses ; and it would have edified a whole congregation to hear the conversation which took place con- cerning the insolence of upstarts, and the vulgarity of would- be gentlemen and ladies, who strive to emerge from low life by dashing about in carriages to pay a visit two doors off; giv- ing parties to people who laugh at them, and cutting all their old friends*. THEATRICS. BY WILUAM WIZARD, ESQ. I WENT a few evenings since to the theatre, accompanied by my friend Snivors, the Cockney, who is a man doeply read in the history of Cinderella, Valentine and Orson, Blue Beard, and all those recondite works so necessary to enable a man to understand the modern drama. Snivers is one of those into- lerable fellows who will never be pleased with anything until he has turned and twisted it divers ways, to see if it corre- * The freedom •pparent in thia •ketoh of th« Cocklofts renders it ex- tremely improbable that the authors of " Salmagnndi/' contrary to their re- pMted declantibn, had " individuals and not the species" in their view ; yet common nunour nsk asserted that it wu designed to represent the Living* •tons of New York- a family of long standing and gruat respectability.— Mdit. was great tr fiefo] critical with Co " for," t from se lips,' • 8 think." from th bv a n( black tiens hfl were al] single In this! proved, [ was un| Cooner.L recoilecj eii had blood-stj 8nut*'t nate PlJ deserve] CooperJ THEATUC8. n't tell tleman nastiff hat on out bis rth into he fire- [; Mrs. Imove; \ chair; ling in ; imalkin, ing, dis- )8t affec- }U8in, in red with g gentle- tolls and yes, and 1 a whole ilace con- [)£ would- i low life I off; giv- all their )anied by ty read in ae Beard, I a man to hose into- hing until ; it corra- inden it ti* y to their re- sir view ; yet t the Living* >«:Ui)iU»jr.— sponds with bis notions of congruity ; and as he is none of the quickest in bis ratiocinations, h;> vriU sometimes come out with his approbation, when everybody else has forgotten the cause which Axcited it Snivers is, moreover, a great critic, for he finds fault with everything; this being what I understand by modem criticism. He, however, is pleased to acknowledge, that our theatre is not so despicable, all things considered ; and really thinks Cooper one of our bebt actors. The play was Othello, and, to speak my mind freely, I think I have seen it performed much worse in my time. The actors, I firmly believe, did their best ; and whenever thb is the case, no man has a right to find fault with them, in my opinion. Little Rutherford, the Roscius of the Philadelphia toeatre, looked as big as possible ; and what he wanted in size, he made up in frowning. I like frowning in tragedy ; and if a man but keeps his K>rehead in proper wrinkle, talks big, and takes long strides on the stage, I always set him down as a great tragedian ; and so does my friend Snivers. Before the first act was over, Snivers began to flourish his critical wooden sword, like a harlequin. He first found fault with Cooper for not having made himself as black as a negro; " for," said he, " that Othello was an arrant black, appears from several expressions of the play ; as, for instance, ' thick lips,' ' sooty bosom,' and a variety of others. T am inclined to tbink," continued he, " that Othello was an Egyptian by birth, from the circumstance of the handkerchief given to his mother by a native of that countir ; and, if so, he certainly was as black as my hat ; for Herodotus has told us, that the Egyp- tians had flat noses and frizzL^ hair ; a clear proof that they were all negroes." He did not cuafine his stricture^ to this single error of the actor, but went on to run him down in toto. In this he was seconded by a red-hot Fhiladelphian, who proved, by a string of most eloquent logical puns, that Fennel was unquestionably in every respect a better actor than Cooper. I knew it was vain to contend with him, since I recollected a most obstinate trial of skill these two great Am- cii had last spring in Ptiiladelphia. Cooper brandished his blood-stained dagger at the theatre — Fennel flourished his snut^ I . and shook his wig at the Lyceum, and the unfortu- nate Pliiladelphians were l long time at a loss to decide which deserved the palm. The I'terati were inclined to give it to Cooper, because his name w.is the moat fruitful in punt but 5, r ■I' i A\ I ( 70 THKATSIOB. then, on the other side, it was contended that Fennel waa the hest Greek scholar. Scarcely was the town of Strasburgh in a greater tiabbub about the courteous stranger's nose ; and it was well that the doctors of the university did not get into the dispute, else it might have become a battle of folios. At lengdi, after much excellent argument had been expended on both sides, recourse was bad to Cocker's Arithmetic and a carpen- ters rule ; the rival candidatCii .vcr? ^'>t.h measured by one of their most steady-handed critics, and by the most exact mea- surement it was proved that Mr. Fennel was the greater actor by three inches and a quarter. Since this demonstration of his inferiority, Cooper has never been able to hold up his head in Philadelphia. In order to change a conversation in which my favourite 8u£fered so much, I made some inquiries of the Philadelphian concerning the two heroes of his theatre. Wood and Cain ; but I had scarcely mentioned their names, when, whack! he threw a whole handful of puns in my face ; 'twos like a bowl of cold water. I turned on my heel, had recourse to my tobacco-box, and said no more about Wood and Cain ; nor will I ever more. if J can help it, mention their names in the presence of a Phi- ladelphian. Would that they could leave of( punning ! for I love every soul of them, with a cordial affection, warm as their own generous hearts, and boundless as their hospitality. During the performance I kept an eye on the countenance of my friend the Cockney — because, having come all the way from England, and having seen Kemble once, on a visit which he made from the bi Lton-manufactory to Lunnun, I thought his phiz might serve as a kind of thermometer to direct my manifestations of applause or disapprobation. I might as weu have looked at the backside of his head ; for I could not, with all my poenng, perceive by his features that he was pleased with anything— except himself. His hat was twitched a little on one side, as much as to say, "Demme, I 'm your sorts :" he was sucking the end of a little stick; he was " gemman" from head to foot; but as to his face, there was no more expression in it than in the face of a Chinese lady on a tea-cup. On Cooper's giving one of bis gunpowder explosions of passion, I mcolaimed, " Fine, very fine! " " Pardon me," said my friend Suiven, " this is damnable !— -the gesture, ray dear sir, only look at the gesture ! how horrible ! Do you not observe that the actor slape his forehead, whereas, the passion not having THKATUOS. 71 the ■ghina and it into the length, on both carpen- y one of ict mea- ter actor ■ation of his head favourite idelphian 3ain ; but he threw .. of cold Mtcco-box, iver more, BofaPhi- ^g! for I mas their dity. (untenanoe ill the way visit which I thought direct mr ight as well Id not, with mB pleased jhed a little r sort! :" he iraan " from ^ expresiion >a«cup. 0» 9f pamion, I id my friend lear sir, only observe that I not having arrived at the proper height, he should only have slapped his —-pocket flap? This figure of rhetoric is a most important stage trick, and the proper management of it is what peculiarly distinguishes the great actor from the mere plodding me- chanical buffoon. Different degrees of passion require differ- ent slaps, which we critics have reduced to a perfect manual, improving upon the principle adopted by Frederic of Prussia, by deciding that an actor, like a soldier, is a mere machine : as thus — the actor, for a miuor burst of passion, merely slaps his pocket-hole; good! — for a major burst, he slaps his breast; very good! — but for a burst maximus, he whacks away at his forehead, like a brave fellow; this is excellent! — nothing can be finer than an exit, slapping the forehead from one end of the stage to the other." "Except," replied I, " one of those slaps on the breast which I have sometimes admired in some of our fat heroes and heroines, which make their whole body shake and quiver like a pyramid of jelly." The Philadelphian had listened to this conversation with profound attention, and appeared delighted with Snivers' mechanical strictures ; 'twas natural enough in a man who chose an actor as he would a grenadier. He took the oppor- tunity of a pause to enter into a long conversation with my friend ; and was receiving a prodigious fund of information concerning the true mode of emphasizing conjunctions, shift- ing scenes, snuffing candles, anl making thunder and light- ning better than you can "jot every day from the sky, as practised at the royal theatres, when, as ill luck would have it, they happened to run their heads full butt against a new reading. Now this was a " stumper," as our old friend Paddle would say ; for the Philadelphians are as inveterate new-reading hunters as the Cockneys ; end, for aught I know, as well skillod in finding them out. The Philadelphian thereupon met the Cockney on his ovm ground ; and at it they went like two inveterate curs at a bone. Snivers quoted Theobald, Hanmer, aud a host of learned comment era, ^ j have pinned themselves on the sleeve of Shakspeare's immor- tality, and made the old bard, like General Washington in General Washington's life, a most diminutive figure in his own book ; — his opponent chose Johnson for his bottle-holder, and thundered him forward like an elephant to bear down the ranks of the enemy. I was not long in discovering that these two precious judges had got hold of that unlucky pas- '.! i. \ I I' ■ I, Hi f 72 THEATBIC8. sage of Shakspeare which, like a straw, has tickled, and puzzled, and confounded many a somniferous buzzard of past and present time. It was the celebrated wish of Desdemona, that heaven had made her such a man as Othello. Snivers insisted that "the gentle Desdemona" merely wished for such a man for a husband, which in all conscience was a modest wish enough, and very natural in a young lady who might possibly have had a predilection for flat noses, like a certain philosophical great man of our day*. The Phila- delphian contended, with all the vehemence of a member of Congress moving the house to have " whereas," or " also," or " nevertheless," struck out of a bill, that the young lady wished heaven had made her a man instead of a woman, in order that she might have an opportunity of seeing the " anthropophagi, and the men whose heads do grow beneath their shoulders ; " 'rbich was a very natural wish, considering the curiosity of the sex. On being referred to, I incontinently decided in favour of the honourable member who spoke last ; inasmuch as I think it was a very foolish, and therefore very natural wish for a young lady to make before a man she wished to marry. It was, moreover, an indication of the violent inclination she felt to wear the breeches, which was afterwards in all probability gratified, if we may judge from the title of " our Captain's Captain," given her by Cassio, a phrase which, in my opinion, indicates that Othello was at that time most ignomimously henpecked. I believe my argu- ments staggered Snivers himself, for he looked confoundedly queer, and said not another word on the subject. A little while after, at it he went again on another tack, and began to find fault with Cooper's manner of dying: — " It was not natural," he said ; for it had lately been demonstrated, by a learned doctor of physic, that when a man is mortally stabbed, he ought to take a flying leap of at least five feet, and drop down " dead as a salmon in a fishmonger's basket" Whenever a man, in the predicament above mentioned, de- {>arted from this fundamental rule, by falling flat down like a og, and rolling about for two or three minutes, making speeches all the time, the said learned doctor maintained that it viAn owing to the waywardness of the human mind, which delighted in flying in the face of nature, and dying in * Alluding to It penchant which Mr. Jefferson wna said to entartain for «D Afiinui hcti\ity.-£dU. THEATRICS. defiance of all her established rales. I replied, " For mj part, I held that every man had a right of dying in whatever position he pleased ; and that the mode of doing it depended altogether on the peculiar character of the person going to die. A Persian could not die in peace unless he had his face timed to the east ; a Mahometan would always choose to have his towards Mecca : a Frenchman might prefer this mode of throwing a somerset ; but Mynheer Van Brumble- bottom, the Roscius of Rotterdam, always chose to thunder down on his seat of honour whenever he received a mortal wound. Being a man of ponderous dimensions, this had a most electrifying effect, for the whole theatre 'shook like Olympus at the nod of Jove." The Philadelphian was immediately inspired with a pun, and swore that Mynheer must be great in a dying scene, since he knew how to make the most of his latter end. It is the inveterate cry of stage critics that an actor does not perform the character naturally, if by chance he happens not to die exactly as they would have him. I think the exhibition of a play at Pekin would suit them exactly ; and I wish, with all my heart, they would go there and see one : nature is there imitated with the most scrupulous exactness in every trifling particular. Here an unhappy lady or gentle* man, who happens unluckily to be poisoned or stabbed, is left on the stiuje to writhe and groan, and make faces at the audience, until the poet pleases they should die ; while the honest folks of the dramatis persona, bless their hearts ! all crowd round and yield most potent assistance, by crying and lamenting most vociferously ! The audience, tender souls, pull out their white pocket handkerchiefs, wipe their e/es, blow their noses, and swear it is natural as life, while the foor actor is left to die without common Christian comfort, n China, on the contrary, the first thing they do is to run for the doctor and tchoow, or notary. The audience are entertained throughout the fifth act with a learned consulta- tion of physicians, and if the patient must die, he does it secundum artem, and always is allowed time to make his will. The celebrated Chow-Chow was the completest hand I ever saw at killiiig himself; he always carried under his robe a bladder of bull's blood, which, when he gave the mortal stab, tpirted out, to the :nfi;nte delight of ih' audience. Not that !he ladies of Ghirds are more tond of uie sight of blood than 1-1 i • i. 4 III f :, i ; U UDSTAPHA BUB*A-DnB KEU KHAN those of our countiy — on the contrary, thej are remai^ablj sensitive in this particular; and we are told by the great Linkum Fidelius, that the beautiful Ninny Gonsequa, one of the ladies of the emperor's seraglio, once fainted away on seeing a favourite slave's nose bleed ; since which time refine- ment has been carried to such a pitcn, that a buskined hero is not allo\v(jd to run himself through the body in the face of the audience. The immortal Ohow-Chow, in conformity to this absurd prejudice, whenever he plays the part of Othello, which is reckoned his masterpiece, always keeps a bold front, stabs himself slily behind, and is dead before anybody sus- pects that he has given the mortal blow. P.S. — Just as this was going to press, I was informed by Evergreen that Othello had not been performed here the Lord knows when : — no matter ; I am not the first that has criticized a play without seeing it; and this critique will answer for the last performance, if that were a dozen years ago. No. VII.— SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 1807. Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-dub Eeu Khan to Abbm Hacchem, principal Slave-driver to His Highneee the Baehavo of Tripoli. I PROMISED in a former letter, good Asem, that I would furnish thee with a few hmts respecting the nature of the government by which I am held in durance. Though my inquiries for that purpose have been industrious, yet I am not perfectly satisfied with their results ; for thou mayest easily imagine that the vision of a captive is overshadowed by the mists of illusion and prejudice, and the horizon of his speculations must be limited indeed. I find that the pe^'Ae of this country are strangely at a loss to determine the natuie and proper character of their government : even their dervises are extremely in the dark as to this particular, and are con- tinually indulging in the most preposterous disquisitions on the subject ! Some have insisted that it savours of an aristo- oracy, others maintain that it is a pure democracy, and a tfiird set of theorists declare absolutely that it is nothing more nor less than a mobocracy. The latter, I must confess, though still wide in error, have come nearest to the truth. You, of course, must understand the meaning of these dif- TO A8EX HACCHKM. 76 ferent words, as they are derived from the ancient Greek language, and bespeak loudly the verbal poverty of these poor infidels, who cannot utter a learned phrase without laying the dead languages under contribution. A man, my dear Asem, who talks good sense in his native tongue is held in tolerable estimation in this country ; but a fool, who clothes his feeble ideas in a foreign or antique garb, is bowed down to as a literary prodigy. While I conversed with these people in plain English, I was but little attended to ; but the mo- ment I prosed away in Greek, every one looked up to me with veneration as an oracle, Although the dervises differ widely in the particulars above mentioned, yet they all agree in terming their government one of the most pacific in the known world. I cannot help pitying their ignorance, and smiling, at times, to see into what ridiculous errors those nations will wander who are unenlightened by the precepts of Mahomet, our divine pro- phet, and uninstructed by the five hundred and forty-nine books of wisdom of the immoilal Ibrahim Hassan al Fusti. To call this nation pacific ! Most preposterous ! It reminds me of the title assumed by the Sheik of that murderous tribe of wild Arabs that desolate the valleys of Belsaden, who styles himself " Star of Courtesy — Beam of the Mercy Seat!" The simple truth of the matter is that these people are totally ignorant of their own true character ; for, according to the best of my observation, they are the most warlike, and, I must say, the most savage nation that I have as yet discovered among all the barbarians. They are not only at war in their own way with almost every nation on earth, but they are at the same time engaged in the most com} Ucated knot of civil wars that ever infested any poor unhappy countnr on which' Allah has denounced hib malediction ! To let thee at once into a secret, which is unknown to these people themselves, their government is a pure, unadul- terated logocracy, or government of words. The whole nation does everything viva voce, or by word of mouth ; and in this manner is one of the most military nations in existence. Eve/y roan who lias what is here called the gift of the gab, that is, a plentiful stock of verbosity, becomes a soldier out- right, and is for ever in a militant state. The country ia entirely defended vi et Ungud — that is to say. by force of ':h If i ;*. ! '" ); I ^ ,-' ; 76 MUSTAPHA BUB-A-DUB KEU KHAN tongues. The account vrhich I lately wrote to our friend the snorer, respecting the immense army of six hundred men, makes nothing against this observation ; that formidable body being kept up, as ^ have already observed, only to amiue their fair countrywomen by their splendid appearance and nodding plumes, and are, by way of distinction, denominated the «' defenders of the fair." In a logocracy, thou well knowest, there is little or no occasion for fire-arms, or any such destructive weapons. Every offensive or defensive measure is enforced by wordy battle and paper war; he who has the longest tongue or readiest quill is sure to gain the victory ; will carry oorror, abuse, and inkshed into the very trenches of the enemy, and, without mercy or remorse, put men, women, and children to the point of the— pen ! There is still preserved in this country some remains of that Gothic spirit of knight-errantry which so much annoyed the faithful in the middle ages of the Hegira. As, notwith- standing their martial disposition, they are a people much given to commerce and agriculture, and must, necessarily, at certain seasons be engaged in these employments, they have accommodated themselves by appointing knights, or constant warriors, incessant brawlers, similar to those who in former ages swore eternal enmity to the followers of our divine pro- phet. These knights, denominated editors, or slang-whangers, are appointed in every town, village, and district, to carry on both foreign and internal warfare, and may be said to keep up a constant firing " in words." ! my friend, could you but witness the enormities sometimes committed by these tremendous slang-whangers, your very turban would rise with horror and astonishment. I have seen them extend their ravages even into the kitchens of their opponents, and annihi* late the very cook with a blast; and I do assure thee, I beheld one of these warriors attack a most venerable bashaw, and at one stroke of his pen lay him open from the waistband of his breeches to his chin ! There has been a civil war carrying on with Teat r'olence for some time past, in consequence of a conspiracy among the higher classes to dethrone his highness the present bashaw, and place another in his stead. 1 was mistaken when I for* merly asserted to thee that this disaffection arose from his wearing red breeches. It is true the nation have long held are comml prot TO ASEH HACCHEM. 77 that colour in great detestation, in consequence of a dispute they had some twenty years since with the barbarians of the British Islands. The colour, however, is again rising into fiftvour, as the ladies have transferred it to their heads from the bashaw's body. The true reason, I am told, is that the bashaw absolutely refuses to believe in the Deluge, and in the story of Balaam's ass ; maintaining that this animal was never yet permitted to talk, except in genuine logocracy, where, it is true, his voice may often be heard, and is listened to with reverence, as " the voice of the sovereign people." Nay, so for did he carry his obstinacy, that he absolutely invited u professed Antidiluvian from the Gallic empire, who illumi- nated the whole country with his principles — and his nose*. This was enough to set the nation in a blaze ; — every slang- whanger resorted to his tongue or his pen ; and for seven years have they carried on a most inhuman war, in which volumes of words have been expended, oceans of ink have been shed ; nor has any mercy been shown to age, sex, or condition. Every day have these slang-whangers made furious attacks on each other, and upon their respective adherents — discharging their heavy artillery, consisting of large sheets, loaded with scoundrel! villain! liar! rascal! numskull! nincompoop! dunderhead ! wiseacre ! blockhead ! jackass ! — and I do swear, by my beard, though I know thou wilt scarcely credit me, that in some of these skirmishes the grand bashaw himself has been wofully pelted!— yea, most ignominiously pelted! — and yet have these talking desperadoes escaped vnthout the bastinado ! Every now and then, a slang-whanger, who has a longer head, or rather a longer tongue, than the rest, will elevate his piece and discharge a shot quite across the ocean, levelled at the head of the Emperor of France, the King of England, or, wouldst thou believe it, Asem, even at his Sublime High> ness, the Bashaw of Tripoli ! These long pieces are loaded with single ball, or language, as tyrant! usurper! robber! tiger ! monster ! and thou mayest well suppose they occasion great distress and dismay in the camps of the enemy, and are marvellously annoying to the crowned heads at which they are directed. The slang-whanger, though perhaps the mere * A gentle reproof directed against Mr. Jefferson, for the indiscretion he committed in inviting Paine to America, and openly taking him under his protection. —Edit. m f 7 'J I rl m < Ml \4 H 78 MUSTAPHA BUB-A-DQB K£U KHAN chainpioii of a Tillage, having fired off his shot, strats abont yrith great self-congratulation, chuckling at the prodigious bustle he must have occasioned, and seems to ask of every stranger, " Well, sir, what do they think of me in Europe* ? " This is sufficient to show you the manner in which theao bloody, or rather windy, fellows fight: it is the only mode allowable in a logocracy, or government of words. I would also observe that the civil wars have a thousand ramificatbns. While the fury of the battle rages in the metropolis, every little town and village has a distinct broil, growing like ex- crescences out of the grand national altercation, or rather agitating within it, like those complicated pieces of mechanism where there is a " wheel within a wheel." But in nothing is the verbose nature of this government more evident than in its grand national divan, or congress, where the laws are framed. This is a blustering, windy assembly, where everything is carried by noise, tumult, and debate ; for thou must know that the members of this assembly do not meet together to find wisdom in the multitude of coun- sellors, but to wrangle, call each other hard names, and hear themselves talk. When the congress opens, the bashaw first sends them a long message, t. e. a huge mass of words — vox tt praterea nihil, all meaning nothing ; because it only tells them what they perfectly know already. Then the whole assembly are thrown into a ferment, and have a long talk about the quantity of words that are to be returned in answer to this message ; and here arise many disputes about the correction and alteration of "if so bes," and " howsoevers." A month, perhaps, is spent in thus determining the precise number of words the answer shall contain ; and then another, most pro- * The B8ge Musttipha, when he wrote the above pn. parable to nothing but a huge bladder of wind. He talks of vanquishing all opposition by the force of reason and philoso- phy ; throws his gauntlet at all the nations of the earth, and defies them to meet him — on the field of argument ! Is the national dignity insulted, a case in which his Highness of Tripoli would immediately call forth his forces, — the Bashaw of America — utters a speech. Does a foreign invader molest the commerce in the very mouth of the harbours — an insult which would induce his Highness of Tripoli to order out his fleets, — his Highness of America — utters a speech. Are the free citizens of America dragged from on board the vessels of their country, and forcibly detained in the war ships of another power, — his Highness — utters a speech. It a peaceable citizen killed by the marauders of a foreign power, on the very shores of his country, — his Highness — utters a speech. Does an alarming insurrection break out in a distant part of the empire, — his Highness — utters a speech! Nav, more, for here he shows his "energies ;" — he most intrepidly despatches a courier on horseback, and orders him to rioe one hundred and twenty miles a day, with a most formidable army of pro W yJ [E1C. s; and ■plexed, I miller mment. , foreign ) imme- lach like is shoul- Euid each th words, indbawl- imself to ing, they ireviously limsically sff for the hem gra- forgets to t the very laliBed for and com* le talks of lid philoso- earth, and it ! Is the ighness of the Bashaw Buler molest — «n insult der out his \x. Are the le vessels of )8 of another ACCOUNT OF AMCDCK' TDIIS. •1 , on the very Mech. Does i part of the J, more, for [y despatches one hundred army of pro clamations, t. «. a collection of words, p&'^ked up in his saddle- bags. He is instructed to show no favot r nor affection ; but to charge the thickest ranks of the enemy, and to speechify and batter by words the conspiracy and the conspirators out of existence. Heavens, my friend, what a deal of blustering is here ! It reminds me of a dunghill cock in a form-yard, who, having accidentally in his scratv^hings found a worm, immediately begins a most %'ociferou8 cackling — calls around him his hen-hearted companions, who run chattering from all quarters to gobble up the poor little worm that happened to turn under his eye. Oh, Asera, Asem ! on what a prodigious great scale is everything in this country i Thus, then, I conclude my observations. The infidel nations have each a separate characteristic trait, by which they may be distinguished from each other : — the Spaniard, for instance, may be said to sleep upon every afCur of import- ance;— the Italians to fiddle upon everything; — the French to dance upon everything; — the Germans to smoke upon everything ; — the British Islanders to eat upon everyUiing ;— and the windy subjects of the American logocraoy to talk upon everything. Ever thine* MusraFHA. FROM THE MILL OF PIKDAB COCKLOFT, ESQ. How oft in musing mood my heart recalls, From gray-beard father Time's oblivious halls, The modes and maxims of my early day, Long in those dark recesses stow'd away ; Drags onoe more to the cheerful realms of light Those buckram fashions long since lost in night, And makes, like Endor's witch, onoe more to risa My grogram grandames to my raptured eyes ! Shades of my fathers ! in your pasteboard skirts» Your broider'd imistooatB, and your plaited shirts, Tour formal bag*wigs — ^wide-extonded ou£b. Your five-inch ehitterlin^ and nine-inch ruffii ; Oods ! how ye stmt, at times, in all your state. Amid the visions of my thoughtful pete ; I see ye move the solemn minnet o'er, The modest foot ioiiee rieinf lk«m the floor ; l:^i 8t AOoovNT or AKcnEKT mm. No thandering tigadoon with boisterous prance. No pigeon-wing disturbs your eontre-dan$e. But silent as the gentle Lethe's tide, Adown the festive maze ye peaceful glide ! Still in my mental eye each dame appears — Each modest beauty of departed years ; Close by mamma I see her stately march, Or sit, in all the miyesty of starch ; When for tho dance a stranger seeks her hand, I see her doubting, hesitating, stand ; Yield to his claim with most fastidious grace, And sigh for her intended in his place t Ah ! golden days ! when every gentle hit On sacred Sabbath conn*d with pious care Her Holy Bible or her prayer-book o'er. Or studied honest Bunyan's drowsy lore — Travell'd with him the Pilgrim's Progress through, And storm 'd the famous town of Man-Soul too ; Beat Eye and Ear-gate up with thundering jar. And fought triumphant through the Holy War ; Or if, perchance, to lighter works inclined, They sought with novels to relax their mind, 'Twas Grandison's politely formal page, Or Glelia or Pamelia were the rage. No plays were then — ^theatrks were unknown — A learned pig — a dancing monkey shown— The feats of Punch — a cunning juggler'a alei^t, Were sure to fill each bosom with delight. An honest, simple, humdrum noe we were, Undazzled yet by fashion's wildering glan ; Our manners unreserved, devoid of guile. We knew not then the modem monster style : Style, that with pride each empty bosom swells, Pufb boyi to maohood, little gurls to belka. Scarce from the nursery freed, oar gentle fair Are yielded to the dancing-master's care ; And ere the head one mite of sense can gain. Are introduced 'mid folly's frippery train. A 8tranger'« gsup ne longer gives aUrmf , AOOODKT OT AKCTBKT TIMBS. Oar fair surrender to their very arms ; And in the insidioas waltz' will swim and twine. And whirl and languish tenderly divine ! Oh ! how I hate this loving, hugging dance ! This imp of Oermany — brought up in Fiance. Nor can I see a niece its windings trace, But all the honest blood glows in my &ce. " Sad, sad refinement this," I often say, " Tis modes^ indeed refined away ! Let France its whim, its sparkling wit supply. The easy grace that captivates the eye ; But curse their waltz — their loose lascivious arts, That smooth our manners, to corrupt our hearts ! " ' Where now those books from which, in days of yore. Our mothers gain'd their literary store ? Alas ! stiff-skirted Giaudison gives place To novels of a new and rakish race ; And honest Bunyan's pious dreaming lore. To the lascivious rhapsodies of Moore. And, last of all, behold the mimic stage Its moral lend to polish ofT the age, With flimsy farce, a comedy miscall'd, Gamish'd with vulgar cant, and proverbs bald. With puns most puny, and a pleateous store Of smutty jokes, to catch a gallery roar. Or see, more fatal, graced with eveir art To charm and captivate the female heart, The false, " the gallant, gay Lothario" smiles'. And loudly boasts his base seductive wiles ; — In glowing colours paints Calista's wrongs. And with voluptuous scenes the tale prolongs. When Cooper lends his fascinating powers, Decks vice itself in bright alluring flowers ; Pleased with his manly nace, his youthful fire. Our fair are lured the villain to admire ; While humbler virtue, like a stalking-horse, Struts clumsily and croaks in honest Morse. Ah, baplesi day I when trials tkni combined, In pleasing gwrb Mssil the female mind ; Whes mmry smoolli insidioas mnmn k wptmd Te mtf the mswls mU 4»lwk Hw bmd ; P I' i h 1 as 84 ACCOUNT OF AKOIEMT TIMKS. Not Sbadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, To prove their faith and virtue here below, Gould more an angel's helping hand require* To guide their steps uninjured through the fire ; Where liad but heaven its guardian aid denied, The holy trio in the proof had died. If, then, their manly vigour sought supplies From the bright stranger in celestial guise, Alas ! can we from feebler natures claim To brave seduction's ordeal free from blame; To pass through fire unhurt like golden ore, Though angel missions bless the earth no more ? NOTES, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. ' Waltz. — As many of the retired matrons of this city, unskilled in " gestic lore, " are doubtless ignorant of the movements and figures of this modest exhibition, I vrill endeavour to give some account of it, in order that they may learn what odd capers their daughters sometimes cut, when from under their guardian wings. On a signal being given by the music, the gentleman seizes the lady round her waist ; the lady, scorning to be outdone in courtesy, very politely takes the gentleman round the neck, with one arm resting against his shoulder to prevent encroachment. Away then they go, about, and about, and about — "About what, sir?" — About the room, madam, to be sure. The whole economy of this dance consists in turning round and round the room in a certain measured step ; and it is truly astonishing, that this continued revolution does not set all their heads swimming like a top ; but I have been positively aasured, that it only occasions a gentle sensation, wnich is marvellously agreeable. In the course of this circumnavigation, the dancers, m order to give the charm of variety, are continually changing their relative situations : — ^dow the gentleman, mining no harm in the world, I assure you, maidam, carelessly flinn hit arm about the lady's neck, with an air uf celestial impudence ; and anon, the lady, meaning as little harm as the gentleman, takes him round the waist with most ingenuous im>deft lan- gnishment, to the great delight of numerous spectators and amateurs, who generally form a ring, as the mob do about a pair of Amazons pulling caps, or a couple of fighting maitiffik After continuing thia divine interohange of haiMf, anm, any em disiwre we do c our th< any att nation highest nationa with tb more mean from tl andMj and passed unfortt can will AOOOUMT OF ANOISHT TIIIES. 8» this city, it of the n, I will they may cut, ivhen 5ing given her waist ; ry poUtely rm resting ^way then It, sir?"— economy of room in a ;, that this I swimming hat it only f a^eeable. rs, in order nging their no harm in M his arm ilence; and gentleman, modest lan- eotators and ) do about ft JQgmaatiAu undftf ftnoit et cetera, for half an hour or so, the lady begins to tire, and with " eyes upraised," in most bewitching languor, petitions her partner for a little more support. This is always given without hesitation. The lady leans gently on his shoulder ; their arms entwine in a thousand seducing mischievous curves —don't be alarmed, madam— closer they approach each other, and, in conclusion, the parties being overcome with ecstatic fatigue, the lady seems almost sinking into the gentleman's arms, and then— "Well, sir! what Uien ? "— Lord, madam, how should I know ! ' My friend Pindar, and in fact our whole junto, has been accused of an unreasonable hostility to the French nation; and I am informed by a Parisian correspondent, that our first number played the very devil in the Court of St. Cloud. His imjperial Migesty got into a most outrageous passion, and bemg withal a wasmsh little gentleman, had nearly kicked his bosom friend, Talleyrand, out of the cabinet, in the paroxysms of his wrath. He insisted upon it that the nation was assailed in its most vital part — being, like Achilles, extremely sensitive to any attacks upon the heel. When my correspondent sent off lus despatches, it was still in doubt what measures would be adopted ; but it was strongly sus- pected that vehement representations would be made to our government. Willing, therefore, to save our executive from any embarrassment on the subject, and above all, from the disaffreeable alternative of sending an apology by the Hornet, we do assure Mr. Jefferson, that there is nothing farther from our thoughts than the subversion of the Gallic Empire, or any attack on the interest, tranquillity, or reputation of the nation at large, which we seriously declare possesses the highest* rank in our estimation. Nothing less than the national welfare could have induced us to trouble ourselves with this explanation ; and in the name of the junto, I once more declare, that when we toast a Frenchman, we merely mean one of those inconnus, who swarmed to this country, from the kitchens and barbers' shops of Nantz, Bourdeaux, and Marseilles ; played the game of leap-frog at all our balls and assemblies ; set this unhappy town hopping mad ; and passed themselves off on our tender-hearted damsels for unfortunate noblemen — ruined in the revolution ! — Such only can wince at the lash, and accuse us of severity; and we m 'I i ,'.( 86 ANTHOXT SYBBaBEKM 8 ACCOUNT ( should be mortified in the extreme if they did not feel oar well-intended castigation. ^Fair Penitent.— The story of this ploj, if told in its n*- live language, would exhibit a scene of guilt and shame, which no modest ear could listen to without shrinking with disgusti ; but, arrajed as it is in all the splendour of harmonious, rich, and polished verse, it steals into the heart like some gaj, Inxnrious, smooth-faced villain, and betrays it insensibly to immorality and vice ; our very sympathy is enlisted on the side of guilt ; and the piety of Altamont, and the gentleness of Lavinia, are lost in the splendid debaucheries of the " gal- lant gay Lothario," and the blustering, hollow repentance of the fair Calista, whose sorrow reminds us of that of Pope's Heloise — " I mourn the lover, not lament the &ult." No- thing is more easy than to banish such plays from our stage. Were our ladies, instead of crowding to see them again and again repeated, to discourage their exhibition by absence, the stage would soon be indeed the school of morality, and the number of " Fair Penitents," in all probability, diminish. No. VIIL— SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 1807. BY ANTHOMT EVEBOREBlf, GENT. " In all thy humours, whether grave or mellow, Thou 'rt luch a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow; Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee. There ii no living with thee— or without thee." *' Never, in the memory of the oldest inhabitant, has there been known a more backward spring." — This is the universal remark among the almanac quidnuncs and weather- wiseacres of the day; and I have heard it at least fifty-five times from old Mrs. Cockloft, who, poor woman, is one of those walking almanacs that foretell every snow, rain, or frost, by the shoot- ing of corns, a pain in the bones, or an " ugly stitch in the side." I do not recollect, in the whole course of my life, to have seen the month of March indulge in such untoward capers, caprices, and coquetries as it has done this year : I might have forgiven these vagaries, had tbey not completely knocked up my friend Langstaff, whose feelings are ever at the mercy of a weathercock, whose spirits sink and rise with the mercuxy of a barometer, and to whom an east wind is as 01 since, by more thi before hi discomfit hail, rain lanous CO This^ he declai whim-wh) ^ese occf to lie-in i tostical. a pity nat feminine | ' culated wi When J audience t advise any del vd\h tl or amusem &mou8 coi room is at only soul t punity: tl straw's dif grim and e Launce^ situation, number, of himself his confinj sketch of f lonsms, nature. Of the except tL who have | the impen friend Laj heard bin Howland,] OF HIS FBnWO UlNarTAJT. olttoxioas as a Sicilian rirwxo. He was tempted some tiuM since, by the fineness of the weather, to dress himself with more than ordinary care, and take his momiug stroll; but before he had half finished his peregrinations, he was utterly discomfited, and driven home by a tremendous squall of wind, hail, rain, and snow ; or, as he testily termed it, " a most vil- lanous congregation of vapours." This was too mach for the patience of friend Launcelot ; he declared he would humour the weather no longer in its whim-whams; and, according to his immemorial custom on tliese occasions, retreated in high dudgeon to his elbow-chair, to lie-in of the spleen, and rul at nature for being so fan* tastical. " Confound the jade," he frequently exclaims, " what a pity nature had not been of the masculine instead of the feminine gender ; the almanac makers might then have cal- culated with some degree of certainty." When Langstaff invests himself with the spleen, and gives audience to the blue devils from his elbow-chair, I would not advise any of his friends to come within gun-shot of his cita^ del with the benevolent purpose of administering consolation or amusement ; for he is then as crusty and crabbed as that famous coiner of false money Diogenes himself. Indeed his room is at such times inaccessible ; and old Pompey is the only soul that can gain admission, or ask a question with im- puni^ : the truth is, that on these occasions there is not a straw's difference between them, for Pompey is as glum and grim and cynical as his master. Launcelot has now been above three weeks in this desolate situation, and has therefore had but little to do in our last number. As he could not be prevailed on to give any account of himself in our introduction, I will take the opportunity of his confinement, while his back is turned, to give a slight sketch of his character ;— fertile in whim*whams and bache* lorisms, but rich in many of the sterling qualities of our nature. Of the antiquity of the Langstaff family I can say but little ; except that I have no doubt it is equal to that of most families who have the privilege of making their own pedigree, without the impertinent interposition of a college of heralds. My firiend Launcelot is not a man to blazon anything; but I have heard him talk with great complacency of his ancestor. Sir Bowland, who was a dashing buck in the days of Hardicanute, 86 ANTHONT EYEROBBBK 8 AOCOUNT and broke the head of a gigantic Dane, at a game of qnarter- ataff, in presence of the whole court. In memory of this gallant exploit, Sir Roland was permitted to take the name of Langstoffe, and to assume, as a crest to his arms, a hand grasping a cudgel. It is, however, a foible so ridiculously common in this country, for people to claim consanguinity with all the great personages of their own name in Europe, that I should put but little faith in this £unily boast of friend Langstaff, did I not know him to be a man of most unques- tionable veracity. The whole world knows already that my friend is a bachelor ; for he is, or pretends to be, exceedingly proud of his personal independence, and takes care to make it known in all com- panies where strangers are present. He is for ever vaunting the precious state of ** single blessedness;" and was, not long ago, considerably startled at a proposition of one of his great favourites, Miss Sophy Sparkle, " that old bachelors should be taxed as luxuries. Launcelot immediately hied him home, and wrote a tremendous long representation in their behalf, which I am resolved to publish if it is ever attempted to carry the measure into operation. Whether he is sincere in these professions, or whether his present situation is owing to choice or disappointment, he only can tell ; but if he ever does tell, I will su£fer myself to be shot by the first lady's eye that can twang an arrow. In his youth he was for ever in love ; but it was his misfortune to be continually crossed and rivalled bv his bosom friend and contemporary beau, Pindar Cockloft, Esq. ; for as Langstafif never made a confidant on these occa- sions, his friend never knew which way his affections pointed ; and so, between them, the lady generally slipped through their fingers. It has ever been the misfortune of Launcelot, that he could not for the soul of him restrain a good thing ; and this fatality has drawn upon him the ill-will of many whom he would not have offended for the world. With the kindest heart under heaven, and the most benevolent disposition towards every being around him, he has been continually betrayed by the mischievous vivacity of his fancy, and the good-humoured waggery of his feelings, into satirical sallies, which have been treasured up by the invidious, and retailed out with the bitter sneer of malevolence, instead of the playful hilarity of coun- tenance which originally sweetened and tempered and dis- armed gainec Thi one of often ( darCo he htu tenanti import! stood n of ever a sonni rated a merablc case wai be-chen virtue u himself, fore, he space of at least 1 when lady's as^ his laugj full swe j death wi| he had poonedL half;— 8 wits, thi who, as her pre^ terferenj apology,! worse tlT eloquenj prepost spired >ut tog^ meitt Laui E OF HIS FBIENO LANOSTAFT. 89 irter- this me of hand ously uioity urope, friend aques- helor; ersonal 1 com- iunting lot long 13 great should Q home. behalf, to carry in these :o choice loes tell. that can ove; but [ rivalled Cockloft, lese occa- pointed ; »ugh their t he could lis fatality Kould not lart under irds every red by the ■humoured have been the bitter ty of coun- 1 and dis- armed them of their sting. These misrepresentations hare gained him many reproaches and lost him many a friend. This unlucky characteristic played the mischief with him in one of his love affairs. He was, as I have before observed, often opposed in his gallantries by that formidable rival, Pin- dar Cockloft, Esq. ; and a most formidable rival he was ; for he had Apollo, the Nine Muses, together with all the joint tenants of Olympus to back him ; and everybody knows what important coniederates they are to a lover. Poor Launcelot stood no chance : — the lady was cooped up in the poet s comer of every weekly paper ; and at length Pindar attacked her with a sonnet, that took up a whole column, in which he enume- rated at least a dozen cardinal virtues, together with innu- merable others of inferior consideration. Launcelot saw his , case was desperate, and that unless he sat down forthwith, be-cherubimed and be-angeled her to the skies, and put every virtue under the sun in requisitioD, he might as well go hang himself, and so make an end of the business. At it, there- fore, he went ; and was going on very swimmingly ; for in the space of a dozen lines, he had enlisted under her command at least threescore and ten substantial housekeeping virtues, when imlttckily for Launcelot*s reputation as a poet, and the lady's as a saint, one of those confounded good thoughts struck his laughter-loving brain ; — it was irresistible — away he went, full sweep before the wind, cutting and slashing, and tickled to death with his own fun ; the consequence was, that by the time he had finished, never was poor lady so most ludicrously lam- pooned since lampooning came into fashion. But this was not half; — so hugely was Launcelot pleased with this frolic of his wits, that nothing would do but he must show it to the lady, who, as well she might, was mortally offended, and forbad him her presence. My friend was in despair, but, through the in- terference of his generous rival, was permitted to make his apology, which, however, most unluckily happened to be rather worse than the original offence ; for though he had studied an eloquent compliment, yet, as ill-luck would have it, a most preposterous whim-whun knocked at his pericranium, and in- spired him to say some consummate good things, which all put together amounted to a downright hoax, and provoked the lady's wrath to such a degree that sentence of eternal banish- ment was awarded against him. Launcelot was inconsolable, and determined, in the true ,:';:! 9^ AMTHOHT SVXROBBrai's ACCOUNT stjie of noTel heroioB, to make the tour of Europe, and en- deavour to lose the recollection of this misfortune amongst tlie gaieties of France and the classio charms of Italy: he accordingly took passage in a vessel, and pursued his voyi^e prosperously as far as Sandy Hook, where he was seized with a violent fit of sea sickness ; at which he was so affronted, that he put his portmanteau into the first pilot-boat, and re- turned to town, completely cured of his love and his rage for travelling. I pass over the subsequent amours of my friend Langstaff, being but little acquainted with them ; for, as I have already mentioned, he never was known to make a confidant of any- body. He always affirmed, a man must be a fool to fall in love, but an idiot to boast of it ; — ever denominated it the villanous passion; lamented that it could not be cudgelled out of the human heart ; and yet could no more live without being in love with somebody or other than he could without whim-whams. My friend Launcelot is a man of excessive irritability of nerve, and I am acquainted with no one so susceptible of the petty " miseries of human life ; " yet its keener evib and mis- fortunes he bears without shrinking, and however they may prey in secret on his happiness, he never complains. This was strikingly evinced in an affair where his heart was deeply and irrevocably concerned, and in which his success was ruined by one for whom he had long cherished a warm friendship. The circumstance cut poor Langstaff to the veiy soul ; he was not seen in company for months afterwards, and for a long time he seemed to retire within himself, and battle with the poignancy of his feelings ; but not a murmur or a reproach was heard to fall from his lips, though at the mention of his friend's name a shade of melancholy might be observed steal- ing across his face, and his voice assumed a touching tone that seemed to say, he remembered his treachery " more in sorrow than in anger." This affair has given a slight tinge of sadness to his disposition, which, however, does not prevent his entering into tiie amusements of the world; the only effect it occasions is, that you may occasionally observe him, at the end of a lively conversation, sink for a few minutes into an apparent forgetfulness of surrounding objects, during which time he seems to be indulging in some melancholy retrospection. ingani than w! being, has a h against man. one of broom-j a besoi My ments, | loves howevel spectat care to I to withi free, o[ honest I gay exl and as( and tal rude a( such is) triotic, order iTid en- mongst aly: he voyage ed with Fronted, and re- age for ingstaff, already of any- fall in d it the udgelled ■without without ability of e of the and mis- they may 19. This as deeply as mined riendship. I ; he was for a long with the reproach on of his •ved steal- hing tone "more in ight tinge ot prevent the only serve him, w minutes jts, during nelancholy OF BIS FBIBRD LANOSTAFr. H Ltngstaff inherited from his fiuher a love of literature, a disposition for castle-building, a mortal enmity to noise, a sovereign antipathy to cold weather and brooms, and a plen- tiful stock of whimwhams. From the delicacy of his nerves he is peculiarly sensible to discordant sounds ; the rattling of a wheelbarrow is " horrible ;" the noise of children " drives him distracted ;" and he once left excellent lodgings, merely because the lady of the house wore high-heeled shoes, in which she clattered up and down stairs, till, to use his own emphatic expression, " they made life loathsome" to him. He suffers annual martyrdom from the razor-edged zephyrs of our " balmy spring," and solemnly declares that the boasted month of May has become a perfect " vagabond." As some people have a great antipathy to cats, and can tell when one is locked up in a closet, so I^ncelot declares his feelings always announce to him the neighbourhood of a broom — a household implement which he abominates above all others. Nor is there any liv- ing animal in the world that he holds in more utter abhorrence than what is usually termed a notable housewife ; a -pestilent being, who, he protests, is the bane of good fellowship, and has a heavy charge to answer for the many offences committed against the ease, comfort, and social enjoyments of sovereign man. He told me, not long ago, "that he had rather see one of the weird sisters flourish through his key-hole on a broom-stick, than one of the servant maids enter the door with a besom." My friend Launcelot is ardent and sincere in his attach- ments, which are confined to a chosen few, in whose society he loves to give free scope to his whimsical imagination ; he, however, mingles freely with the world, though more as a spectator than an actor ; and without any anxiety, or hardly a care to please, is generally received with welcome, and listened to with complacency. When he extends his hand, it is in a free, open, liberal style ; and when you shake it, you feel his honest heart throb in its pulsations. Though rather fond of gay exhibitions, he does not appear so frequently at balls and assemblies since the introduction of the drum, trumpet, and tambourine ; all of which he abhors on account of the rude attacks they make on his organs of hearing ; in short, such is his antipathy to noise, that Uiough exceedingly por triotic, yet he retreats every fourth of July to Cockloft Hall, in order to get out of the way of the hubbub and confusion whioh 't'. 99 OH BTTXJS. make so considerable a part of the pleasure of that splendid anniversarj. I intend thb article as a mere sketch of Langstaff's multi- farious character ; his innumerable whim-whams will be exhi- bited by himself, in the course of this work, in all their strange varieties ; and the machinery of his mind, more intricate than in the most subtle piece of clock-work, be fully explained. And trust me, gentlefolk, his are the whim-whams of a cour- teous gentleman full of most excellent qualities ; honourable in his disposition, independent in his sentiments, and of un- bounded good-nature, as may be seen through all his works. ON STYLE. BT WILUaH wizard, ESQ. Sti/U, a manner of writing; title ; pin of a dial ; the piatils of plants JuHHBOR. Style, n style. — LiRXUii Fidelius. Now I would not give a straw for either of the above defini- tions, though I think the latter by far the most satisfactory ; and I do wish sincerely every modem numskull, who takes hold of a subject he knows nothing about, would adopt honest Linkum's mode of explanation. Blair's Lectures on this article have not thrown a whit more light on the subject of my inquiries ; — they puzzled me just as much as did the learned and laborious expositions and illustrations of the worthy pro- fessor of our college, in the middle of which I generally had the ill luck to fall asleep. Thiu same word style, though but a diminutive word, as- sumes to itself more contradictions, and significations, and eccentricities, than any monosyllable in the language is legiti- mately entitled to. It is an arrant little humorist of a word, and full of whim-whams, which occasions me to like it hugely ; h:\t it puzzled me most wickedly on my first return from a long residence abroad, having crept mto fiashionable use during my absence ; and had it not been for friend Ever- green, and that thrifty sprig of knowlege, Jeremy Cockloft the younger, I should have remained to this day ignorant of its meaning. \ Though it would seem that the people of all countries are equally vehement in the pursuit of tnis phantom — style, yet in almost all of them there is a strange diversity in opinion as to what constitutes its essence ; and every different class, like ment; for conj BeUj lines, she lowed stylish I tickled headrtl penonf ON 8TTLB. oa plendid s multi- be exhi- strange ate than :plained. f a cour- noareble 1 of un- works. iUof ve defini- isfactory ; who takee »pt honest I on this ject of my le learned )rthT pro- erally had word, as- tions, and [6 is legiti* of a word, it hugely ; irn from a )nable use end Ever- ockloft the )rant of its untries are »tyle, yet in pinion as to class, like the pagan nations, adores it under a different form. In Eng* land, for instance, an honest cit packs up himself, his* family, and his style in a buggy or tim whisky, and rattles away on Sunday, with his fiEur partner blooming beside him, like an eastern bride, and two chubby children, squatting like Chinese images at his feet. A baronet requires a chariot and pair ; — a lord must needs have a barouche and four; — but a duke — oh ! a duke cannot possibly lumber his style along under a coach and six, and half a score of footmen into the bargain. In China, a puissant mandarin loads at least three elephants with style ; and an overgrown sheep at the Cape of Good Hope trails along his tail and his style on a wheel-barrow. In Egypt, or at Constantinople, style consists in the quantity of fur and fine clothes a lady can put on without danger of suffocation ! here it is otherwise, and consists in the quantity she can put off without the risk of freezing. A Chinese lady ib thought prodigal of her charms if she exposes the tip of her note, or the ends of her fingers, to the ardent gaze of by- standers ; and I recollect that all Canton was in a buzz m consequence of the great belle Miss Nangfous peeping out of the window with her face uncovered ! Here the style is to show not only the face, but the neck, shoulders, Ac. ; and a lady never presumes to hide them, except when she is not at home, and not sufficiently undressed to see company. This style has ruined the peace and harmony of many a worthy hoosehold ; for no sooner do they set up for style, but instantly all the honest old comfortable »ans ceremonie furni- ture is discarded : and you stalk cautiously about, amongst the uncomfortable splendour of Grecian chairs, Egyptian tables, Turkey carpets, and Etruscan vases. This vast improvement in furniture demands an increase in the domestic establish- ment ; and a family that once required two or three servants for convenience, now employs hal^a• dozen for style. BeU-Drazen, late favourite of my unfortunate friend Dessa- lines, was one of these patterns of style ; and whatever freak the was seized with, however preposterous, was implicitly fol- lowed by all who m>uld be considered as admitted in the stylish arcana. She was once seized with a whim-wham that tickled the whole court. She could not lie down to take an afternoon's loll, but she must have one servant to scratch her head, two to tickle her feet, and a fourth to fim her delectable penon while she altunbered. The thing took ;->it became 94 OH BTTLB. the rage, and not a sable belle in all Hayti but what insisted upon b&ing fanned, and scratched, and tickled, in the true imperial stjle. Sneer not at this picture, my most excellent townsmen ; for who among you but are daily following fashions equally absurd! Style, according to Evergreen's account, consists in certain fashions, or certain eccentricities, or certain manners, of cer« tain people, in certain situations, and possessed of a certain share of fashion or importance. A red cloak, for instance, on the shoulders of an old market-woman is regarded with con- tempt ; it is vulgar, it is odious : — fling, however, its usurping rival, a red shawl, over the figure of a fashionable belle, and let her flame away with it in Broadway, or in a ball-room, and it is immediately declared to be the style. The modes of attaining this certain situation, which entitles its holder to style, are various and opposite : the most osten- sible is the attcinment of wealth ; the possession of which changes at once the pert airs of vulgar ignorance into fashion- able ease and elegant vivacity. It is highly amusing to observe the gradation of a family aspiring to style, and the devious windings they pursue in order to attain it. While beating up against wind and tide, they are the most com- plaisant beings in the world ; they keep " booing and booing," as M'Sycophuit says, until you would suppose them incapable of standing upright ; they kiss their hands to everybody who has the least claim to style ; their familiarity is intolerable, and they absolutely overwhelm you with their friendship and loving-kindness. But having once gained the envied pre-emi- nence, never were beings in the world more changed. They assume the most intolerable caprices ; at one time address you with importunate sociability ; at another, pass you by with ailent indifierence ; sometimes sit up in their chairs in all th« migesty of dignified silence ; and at another time bonnoe about with all the obstreperous ill-bred noise of a little hoyden just broke loose from a boarding-school. Another feature which distinguishes these new-made fiMhion- ables, is the inveteracy with which they look down upon the honest people who are struggling to climb up to the sam* envied height. They never fail to salute them with the most tarcastic reflections ; and like so many worthy hodmen olam> bering a ladder, each one looks down upon fait next neigbbenr below, and makes no scruple of shaking the dust off his ahow into come world lingi genui In wfaimi ance 1 boy. « He wa heritec could \ make t spider, whole ( membe had act sound £ night I was as rules of of multi successf rality. and he hands o fiible ( maxims andafu after en a miser plum, a maindei aocumul His poaitioni Fired from plishi they w| ■qoiba OH eTTLB. sistod 9 troe client shions certain of cer- certfion nee, on th con- surping lie, and }in, and entitles t oaten- if which fashion- using to and the While o8t com- booing," incapable body who tolerable, iship and I pre-en»i- id. Thoj Idresi you 1 by with in all th* ae bounce tie hoyden defiMhion- \ upon thft I the earn* h the raoet men dam- Beighbwir r his Bho« into his ejes. Thus by dint of perseverance, merely, they come to be considered as established denizens of tbe great world ; as in some barbarous nations an oyster-shell is of ster- ling value, and a copper-washed counter will pass current for genuine gold. In no instance have I seen this grasping after style more whimsically exhibited than in the family of my old acquaint- ance Timothy Giblet. I recollect old Giblet when 1 was a boy, and he was the most surly curmudgeon I ever knew. He was a perfect scarecrow to the small fry of the day, and in- herited the hatred of all these unlucky little shavers ; for never could we assemble about his door of an evening to play, and make a little hubbub, but out he sallied from his nest like a spider, flourished his formidable horsewhip, and dispersed the ^ole crew in the twinkling of a lamp. I perfectly well re- member a bill he sent in to my father for a pane of glass I had accidentally broken, which came well nigh getting me a sound flogging : and I remember, as perfectly, that the next night I revenged myself by breaking half a dozen. Giblet was as arrant a grub-worm as ever crawled; and the only rules of right and wrong he cared a button for, were the rules of multiplication and addition ; which he practised much more successfully than he did any of the rules of religion or mo- rality. He used to declare they were the true golden rules ; and he took special care to put Cocker's arithmetic in the hands of his children, before they had read ten pnges in the Bible or the pniyer-bo<^. The practice of these favourite maxims was at length crowned with the harvest of success ; and after a life of incessant self-denial, and starvation, and after enduring all the pounds, shillings, and pence miseries of a miser, he had the satisfaction of seeing nimself worth • plum, and of dying just as he had determined to enjoy the re- mainder of his days in contemplating his great wealth and accumulating mortgages. His children inherited his money ; but ther buried the dii* poaition, and every other memorial of their father in his grave. Fired with a noble thirst for style, they instantly emerged from the retired lane in which themselves and their accom- plishments had hitherto been buried ; and they blazed. Mid they whizced, and Uiey cracked about town, like a nest oi •qoibi mmL dsvila in a firewwk. I can liken their tudden Mat \i'- \V. ( 06 ON STTLB. to nothing bat that of the locust, ^hich is hatched in the dust, where it increases and swells up to maturity, and after feeling for a moment the vivifying rays of the sun, bursts forth a mighty insect, and flutters, and rattles, and buzzes from every tree. The little warblers, who have long cheered the woodlands with their dulcet notes, are stunned by the discordant racket of these upstart intruders, and contemplate in contemptuous silence their tinsel and their noise. Having once started, the Giblets were determined that nothing should stop them in their career until they had run their full course, and arrived at the very tip-top of style. Every tailor, every shoemaker, every coachmaker, every mil- liner, every mantua-maker, every paper-hanger, every piano- teacher, and every dancing-master in the city, were enlisted in their service; and the willing wights most courteously answered their call, and fell to work to build up the fame of the Giblets, as they had done that of many an aspiring family before them. In a little time the young ladies could dance the waltz, thunder Lodoiska, murder French, kill time, and commit violence on the face of nature in a landscape in water- colours, equal to the best lady in Uieland; ana the young gentlemen were seen lounging at comers of streets, and driving tandem; heard tawing loud at the theatre, and laughing in church, with as much ease, and grace, and modesty, as if they had been gentlemen all the days of their lives. And the Giblets arrayed themselves in scarlet and in fine linen, and seated themselves in high places; but nobody noticed them, except to honour them with a little contempt. The Giblets made a prodigious splash in their own opinion ; but nobody extolled them, except tne tailors and the milliners who had been employed in manufacturing their paraphernalia. The Giblets thereupon, being, like Caleb Quotem, determined to have " a place at the review," fell to work more fiercely than ever ; — they gave dinners, and they gave balls ; they hired cooks, they hired confectioners ; and they would have kept a newspaper in pa^, had they not been all bought up at that time for the election. They invited the dancing men, tod the dancing women, and the gormandizers, and the epicures of the city, to come and make meriy at their expense ; and the dancing men, and the dancing women, and the epic make m and thej their ent Then nothingn such fiau the theat wherever there anc and every along for dint of dii family woi ble pleasu nothing al parboiled i allowed th they once j ai everythi and sublin doubt that tt - Being jecte ; a bittej more than orq We have of advice seem to k] One warns, who is a vl singular dif in particulj ill-nature •w figures who states] away most resuectabl^ ft»a tlieir shall be I THX EDITORS AND THE PUBUC. •7 the epicures, and the gormandizers did come ; and they did make merrj at their expense ; and they ate, and they drank, and they capered, and they danced, and they — laughed at their entertainers. Then commenced the hurry, and the bustle, and the mighty nothingness of fashionable life ; — such rattling in coaches ! such flaunting in the streets ! such slamming of box-doors at the theatre ! such a tempest of bustle and unmeaning noise wherever they appeared I The Giblets were seen here and there and everywhere;— they visited everybody they knew, and everybody they did not know ; and there was no getting along for the Giblets. Their plan at length succeeded. By dint of dinners, of feeding and frolicking the town, the Giblet family worked themselves into notice, and enjoyed the ineffa- ble pleasure of being for ever pestered by visitors, who cared nothing about them ; of being squeezed, and smothered, and parboiled at nightly balls, and evening tea-parties ; they were allowed the privilege of forgetting the very few old friends they once possessed ; — they turned their noses up in the wind at everything that was not genteel ; and their superb manners and sublime affectation at length left it no longer a matter of doubt that the Giblets were perfectly in the style. " ■ Being, ni it were, a •mall contentmente in a never contenting »ub- jecte ; a bitter pleaaaunte taste of a sweete (eaioned tower ; and all in all, a more than ordinarie rejoicing, in an eztraordinarie sorrow of delyghts I " We have been considerably edified of late by several letters of advice from a number of sage correspondents, who really seem to know more about our work than we do ourselves. One warns us against saying anything more about Snivers, who is a very particular friend of the writer, and who has a singular disinclination to be laughed at. This correspondent in particular inveighs against personalities, and accuses us of ill-nature in bringing forward old Fungus and Billy Dimple as figures of fun to amuse the public. Another gentleman, who states that he is a near relation of the Cocklofts, proses away most soporifically on the impropriety of ridiculing a respectable old family ; and declares that if we make them (ind their whim-whams the subiect of any more essays, be shall be under the necessity of applying to our theatrical H Iffii' 06 THE EDITORS AND THE PUBUO. champions for satisfiiction. A third, who, by the crabbedness of the handwriting, and a few careless inaccuracies in the spelling, appears to be a ladj, assures us that the Miss Gock> lofts, and Miss Diana Wearwell, and Miss Dashaway, and Mrs. , Will Wizard's quondam flame, are so much obliged to us for our notice, that they intend in iuture to take no notice of us at all, but leave us out of all their tea- yarties ; for which we make them one of our best bows, and aay, " Thank you, ladies." We wish to heaven these good people would attend to their own afiairs, if they have any to attend to, and let us alone. It is one of the most provoking things in the world that we cannot tickle the pnblic a little, merely for our own private amusement, but we must be crossed and jostled by these meddling incendiaries, and, in fact, have the whole town about our ears. We are much in the same situation with an un- lucky blade of a Cockney, who having mounted his bit of blood to enjoy a little innocent recreation, and display bis horsemanship along Broadway, is worried by all those little yelping curs that infest our city, and who never fail to sally out and growl, and bark, and snarl, to the great annoyance oif the Birmingham equestrian. Wisely was it said by the sage Linkum Fidelius, " How- beit, moreover, nevertheless, this thrice wicked towne is charged up to the muzzle with all manner of ill-natures and uncharitablenesses, and is, moreover, exceedinglie naughtie.'* This passage of the erudite Linkum was applied to the city of Gotham, of which he was once Lord Mayor, as appears oj his picture hung up in the hall of that ancient city ;— but his observation fits this best of all possible cities " to a hair." It is a melancholy truth, that this same Nt v York, though the most charming, pleasant, polished, and praiseworthy city under the sun, and in a word the bonne boueke of the uni- verse, is most shockingly ill-natured and sarcastic, and wickedly given to all manner of backslidings ; — for which we are very sorry indeed. In truth, for it must come 6ttt, like xnurder, one time or other, the inhabitants are not only ill- natured, but manifestly unjust : no sooner do they get one of our random sketches m their hands, but instantly they apply it most unjustifiably to some " dear friend," and then accuse US Yooiferously of uie personality which originated in their ownofB most ea Sodom I As, h some ap nature i expectat to makii for any i Bonable give the ^rst, an i or anoth stick, as it would apology V not to ha do anythi] — third, 1 apologizin undertool and makij and we ar in future.] But tl have no that 's wc men! take this I at the it over, assii fellows li| given se^ they shot is one of] honesty, Mrcasticj enoe of reader! readers ezpectatd •bout tol THE EDIT0B8 AKO THB PUBUC M own officious friendship ! Tnily it is an ill*natured town, and most earnestly do we hope it may not meet with the £iUe of Sodom and Gomorrah of old. As, however, it may be thought incumbent upon us to make some apology for these mistakes of the town, and as our good nature is truly exemplary, we would certainly answer this expectation, were it not that we have au invincible antipathy to making apologies. We have a most profound contempt for any man who cannot give three good reasons for an unrear Bonable thing; and will therefore condescend, as usual, to give the public three special reasons for never apologizing : — first, an apology implies that we are accountable to somebody or another for our conduct ;— now as we do not care a fiddle- stick, as authors, for either public opinion or private ill-will, it would be implying a falsehood to apologize : — second, an apology would indicate that we had been doing what we ought not to have done ; — now as we never did, nor ever intend to do anything wrong, it would be ridiculous to make an apology: — third, we labour under the same incapacity in the art of apologizing that lost Langstaff his mistress : — we never yet undertook to make apology without committing a new offence, and making matters ten times worse than tl^y were before ; and we are, therefore, determined to avoid such predicaments in future. But though we have resolved never to apologize, yet we have no particular objection to explain ; and if this is all that's wanted, we will go about it directly: — Allona, gentle- men ! Before, however, we enter upon this serious affiiir, we take this opportunity to express our surprise and indignation at the incredulity of some people. Have we not, over and over, assured the town that we are three of the best-natured fellows living? And is it not astonishing that, having already given seven convincing proofs of the truth of this assurance, ihey should still have any doubts on the subject ? But as it is one of the impossible things to make a knave believe in honesty, so, perhaps, it may be another to make this most sarcastic, satirical, and tea-drinking city believe in the exist- ence of good nature. But to our explanation. Gentle reader ! for we are convinced that none but gentle arture : 10 wight with the , in fact, n when B ragged the em- an easy ent, and ei sapient n in toto to ASEX BatKaw Like yet sadly itive land and the agination, gb, yet no jitter tear of the tur- ler of my soul, that I complain of the horrors of my situaUon; think not that my captirity is attended with the labours, the chains, the scourges, the insults, that render slavery, with us, more dreadful than the pangs of hesitating, lingering death. Li^ht, indeed, are the restraints on the persontd freedom of thy kins- man ; but who can enter into the afflictions of the mind? who can describe the agonies of the heart ? They are mutable as the clouds of the air ; they are countless as the waves that divide me from my native country. I have, of late, my dear Asem, laboured under an inconve- nience singularly unfortunate, and am reduced to a dilemma most ridiculously embarrassing. Why should I hide it from the companion of my thoughts, the Murtner of my sorrows and my joys? Alas ! Asem, thy friend Mustapha, the invincible cap- tain of a ketch, is sadly in want of a pair of breeches ! Thou wilt doubtless smile, most grave Mussulman, to hear me indulge in such ardent lamentations about a circumstance so trivial, and a want apparently so easy to be satisfied : but little canst thou know of the mortifications attending my ne- cessities, and the astonishing difficulty of supplying them. Honoured by the smiles and attentions of the beautiful ladies of this city, who have fallen in love with my whiskers and my turban ;— courted by the bai> laws and the great men, who delight to have me at their feasts ; the honour of my company eagerly solicited by every fiddler who gives a concert ; think of my chagrin at being obliged to decline the host of invita- tions that daily overwhelm me, merely for want of a pair of breeches I Oh, Allah ! Allah ! that thy disciples could come into the world all befeathered like a bantam, or with a pair of leather breeches like the wild deer of the forest ! Surely, my friend, it is the destiny of man to be for ever subjected to petty evils, which, however trifling in appearance, prey in silence on his little pittance of enjoyment, and poison those moments of sunshine which might otherwise be consecrated to happiness. The want of a garment, thou wilt say, is easily supplied ; and thou mayest suppose need only be mentioned, to bo reme- died at once by any tailor of the land. Little canst thou conceive the impediments which stand in the way of my com- fort, and still less art thou acquainted with the prodigious great nrnle on which everything is transacted in this country. The nation moves Most mi^estically slow and clumsy in the I 108 UUSTAPHA BUB-ADUD KELI KHAN most trivial affairs, like the unwieldy elephant, which makes a formidable difficulty of picking up a straw ! When I hinted my necessities to the officer who has charge of myself and my companions, I expected to have them forthwith relieved ; but he made an amazingly long face — told me that we were pri- soners of state — that we must therefore be clothed at tho expense of the government ; that as no provision had been made by congress for an emergency of the kind, it was impos- sible to furnish me with a pair of breeches, until all the sages of the nation had been convened to talk over the matter, and debate upon the expediency of granting my request. Sword of the immortal Khalid, thought I, but this is great! — this is truly sublime ! All the sages of an immense logocracy as- sembled together to talk about my breeches! Vain mortal that I am ! I cannot but own I was somewhat reconciled to the delay which must necessarily attend this method of cloth- ing me, by the consideration that if they made the affair a national act, my " name must of course be embodied in history," and myself and my breeches flourish to immortality in the annals of this mighty empire ! " But pray, sir," said I, " how does it happen, that a matter so insignificant should be erected into nn object of such im- portance as to employ the representative wisdom of the nation ? and what is the cause of their talking so much about a trifle ?" ** Oh," replied the officer, who acts as our slave-driver, '* it all proceeds from economy. If the government did not spend ten times as much money in debating whether it was proper to supply you with breeches as the breeches themselves would cost, the people, who govern the bashaw and his divan, would straightway begin to complain of their liberties being infringed — the nationnl finances squandered— not a hostile slang- whanger throughout the logocracy but would burst forth like a barrel of combustion — and ten chances to one but the bashaw and the sages of his divan would all be turned out of office together. My good Mussulman," continued he, " the adminis- tration have the good of the people too much at heart to trifle with their pockets ; and they would sooner assemble and talk away ten tliousand dollars, than expend fifty silently out of the treasuiy— such is the wonderful spirit of economy that pervades every branch of this government." *• But," said I, " how is it possible they can spend money in talking : surely words cannot be the current coin of this country ?" •' Truly," cried words many i grand of the day." Mahoff these h paid fo said m) I rei word, < myself jack-o'-li sufficien a pro2)et a man w penny, a think hii in skin.. fifty tim« shrewd f( highly or would om sages of 1 This e< ing of th« this talkii actually e eloquent room appi nervous ai the occasi( gishly incl their wagg the more v humour in too solemn by some th • Some of ricnn LegitUt the sittiiiga, ]> TO AS£M UACCHESC. 109 makes liinted nd my I; but re pvi- at the 1 been impos- e sages er, and Sword -this 13 racy os- raortul ciled to of cloth- affair a [)died in nortality a matter mch im- 5 nation ? itriHe?" , it all )t spend Is proper les would jn, would infringed 6 slang- •th like a bashaw of office adminis- to triflo and talk ly out of pmy that I" said I, : surely p' Truly," cried he, smiling, " your question is pertinent enough, for words indeed often supply the place of cash among ud, and many an honest debt is paid in promises ; but the fact is, the grand bashaw and the members of congress, or grand talkers of the nation, either receive a yearly salary, or are paid by the day." " Jiy the nine hundred tongues of the great beast in Mahomet's vision, but the murder is out ! it is no wonder these honest men talk so much about nothing, when they ore paid for talking like day-labourers." " You are mistaken," said my driver, •' it is nothing but economy."'!' I remained silent for some minutes, for this inexplicable word, economy, always discomfits me; — and when 1 ilatter myself I have grasped it, it slips through my fingers like a jack-o'-lantern. I have not, nor perhaps ever shall acquire, sufficient of the philosophic policy of this government, to draw a proper distinction between an individual and a nation. If a man was to throw away a pound in order to save a beggarly penny, and boast at the same time of his economy, I should think him on a par with the fool in the fable of Alfanji, who in skinning a flint worth a farthing, spoiled a knife worth fifty times the sum, and thought he had acted wisely. The shrewd fellow would doubtless have valued himself much more highly on his economy, could he have known that his exam[de would one day be followed by the bashaw of America, and the sages of his divan. This economic disposition, my friend, occasions much fight- ing of the spirit, and innumerable contests of the tongue in this talking assembly. Wouldst thou believe it ? they wore actually employed for a whole week in a most strenuous and eloquent debate about patching up a hole in the wall of the room appropriated to their meetings ! A vast profusion of nervous argument and pompous declamation was expended on the occasion. Some of the orators, I am told, being rather wag- gishly inclined, were roost stupidly jocular on the occasion ; but their waggery gave great oiTence, and was highly reprobated by the more weighty part of the assembly ; who hold all wit and humour in abommation, and thought the matter in hand much too solemn and serious to be treated lightly. It is supposed by some that this affair would have occupied a whole winter, * Some of oar Nadcra may not be aware that the roomberi of the Ame- rican Legialatnre are paid lix dollar* per diem fur their attendance during the tittings, beaidM an allowance for travelling expeuaea.— AWt(. no UDSTAPHA BUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN as it was a subject upon which several gentlemen spoke who had never been known to open their lips in that place, except to say yes and no. These silent naembers are by way of dis- tinction denominated orator mums, and are highly valued in this country on account of their great talents for silence ; — a qualification extremely rare in a logocracy. Fortunately for the public tranquillity, in the hottest part of the debate, when two rampant Virginians, brimful of logic and philosopliy, were measuring tongues, and syllogistically cudgelling each other out of their unreasonable notions, the president of the divan, a knowing old gentleman, one night slyly sent a mason with a hod of mortar, who in the course of a few minutes closed up the hole, and put a final end to the argument. Thus did this wise old gen^^eman, by hitting on a most simple expedient, in all probability save his country as much money as would build a gun-boat, or pay a hireling slang- whanger for a whole volume of words. As it happened, only a few thousand dollars were expended in paying these men, who are denominated, I suppose in derision, legislators. Another instance of their economy I relate with pleasure, for I really begin to feel a regard for these poor barbarians. They talked away the best part of a whole winter before they could determine not to expend a few dollars in purchasing a sword to bestow on an illustrious warrior : yes, Asem, on that very hero who frightened all our poor old women and young children at Deme, and fully proved himself a greater man than the mother that bore him*. Thus, my friend, is the whole collective wisdom of this mighty logocracy employed in somniferous debates about the most trivial affairs ; as I have sometimes seen a Herculean mountebank exerting all his energies in balancing a straw upon his nose. Their sages behold the minutest object with the microscopic eyes of a pis- mire; mole-hills swell into mountains, and a grain of mustard- seed will set the whole ant-hill in a hubbub. Whether this indicates a capacious vision, or a diminutive mind, I leave thee to decide ; for my part, I consider it as another proof of the great scale on which everything is transacted in this country. I have before told thee that nothing can be done without consulting the sages of the nation, who compose the assembly called the congress. This prolific body may not improperly • Gtonend Batoa. be 4 motj abor oonct good to he All^ of grc and g These charac them; wind; ibnnde amootl] time ci they re Jings. their di •' infant existend a grand this wor Toth niy petif sages wJ tude of captive t Amrou,] gree : — t leave th*[ the politi will Jendf tarycapt] and I wfl neglectet a whole heads tot whole nal was Bomi until all TO ASEM HACCHEH. Ill B who except of dis- ued in ce;— •• Bstpart of logic istically ona, the ie night wurse of d to the itting on )untry as ng slang- led, only kese men, srs. pleasure, arbarians. efore they chasing a n, on that tnd young eater man nd, is the oployed in as 1 have ag all his heir sages es of a pis- )f mustard- lether this leave thee roof of the lis country, me without le assembly improperly be called the ** mother of inventions ;" and a most fniitfal mother it is, let me tell thee, though its children are generally abortions. It has lately laboured with what was deemed the conception of a mighty navy. All the old women and the good vnves that assist the bashaw in his emergencies hurried to head-quarters to be busy, like midwives, at the delivery. All was anxiety, fidgeting, and consultation ; when after a deal of groaning and struggling, instead of formidable first-rates and gallant frigates, out crept a litter of sorry little gun-boats! These are most pitiful little vessels, partaking vastly of the character of the grand bashaw, who has the credit of begetting them ; being flat shallow vessels, that en only sail before the wind; must always keep in with the land; are continually foundering or running ashore ; and, in short, are only fit for smooth water. Though intended for the defence of the mari- time cities, yet the cities are obliged to defend them ; and they require as much nursing as so many rickety little bant- lings. They are, however, the darling pets of the grand bashaw, being the children of his dotage, and, perhaps from their diminutive size and palpable weakness, are called the " infant navy of America." The act that brought them into existence was almost deified by the mtgority of the people as a grand stroke of economy. By the beard of Mahomet, but this word is truly inexplicable. To this economic body, therefore, was I advised to address my petition, and humbly to pray that the august assembly of sages would, in the plenitude of their wisdom and the magni- tude of their powers, munificently bestow on an unfortunate captive a pair of cotton breeches ! " Head of the immortal Amrou," cried I, "but this would be presumptuous to a de- gree : — What ! after these worthies have thought proper to leave their country naked and defenceless, and exposed to all the political storms that rattle without, can I expect that they will lend a helping hand to comfort the extremities of a soli- tary captive ? " My exclamation was only answered by a smile, and I was consoled by the assurance that, so far from being neglected, it was every way probable my breeches might occupy a whole session of the divan, and set several of the longest heads together by the ears. Flattering as was the idea of a whole nation being agitated about my breeches, yet I own I was somewhat dismayed at the idea of remaining in qu&rpo until all the national gray-beards should have made a speech ' ti U.H 113 FROM THE MILL OF PINDAB COCKLOFT, ESQ. on the occasion, and given their consent to the measure. The emharrassment and distress of mind which I experienced was visible in my countenance, and my guard, who is a man of infinite good nature, immediately suggested, as a more expe- ditious plan of supplying my wants, a benefit at the theatre. Though profoundly ignorant of his meaning, I agreed to his proposition, the result of which I shall disclose to thee in another letter. Fare thee well, dear Asem ; in thy pious prayers to our great prophet never forget to solicit thy friend's return ; and when thou numbercst up the many blessings bestowed on thee by all-bountiful Allah, pour forth thy gratitude that he has cast thy nativity in a land where there is no assembly of legis- lative chatterers ; no great bashaw who bestrides a gun-boat for a hobby-horse ; where the word economy is unknown ; and where an unfortunate captive is not obliged to call upon the whole nation to cut him out a pair of breeches. Ever thme, Mustapha FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. Though enter'd on that sober age. When men withdraw from fashion's stage, And leave the follies of the day, To shape their course a graver way ; Still those gay scenes I loiter round. In which my youth sweet transport found ; And though I feel their joys decay, And languish every hour away — Yet, like an exile doom'd to part From the dear country of his heart, From the fair spo^ in which he sprung. Where his first notes of love were sung, Will often turn to wave the hand, And sigh his blessings on the land ; Just so my lingering watch I keep, Thus oft I take the farewell peep. And, like that pilgrim, who retreats Thus lagging from his parent seats, When the sad thought pervades his mind, That the fair land he leaves behind FROM THE MILL OV PINDAR COCXLOIT, ESQ. Is ravaged by a foreign foe, Its cities vvaste, its temples low, And ruiu'd all those haunts of joy That gave him rapture when a boy, Turns from it with averted eye, And while he heaves the anguish 'd sigh, Scarce feels regret that the loved shore Shall beam upon his soul no more ; — Just so it grieves my sight to view, While breathing forth a fond adieu, The innovation pride has made. The fustian, frippery, and parade, That now usurp with mawkish grace Pure tranquil pleasure's wonted place ! Twas joy we look'd for in my prime. That idol of the olden time ; When all our pastimes had the art To please, and not mislead, the heart. Style cursed us not — that modem flash, That love of racket and of trash ; Which scares at once all feeling joys. And drowns delight in empty noise ; Which barters friendship, mirth, and truth, The artless air, the bloom of youth. And all those gentle sweets that swarm Round nature in their simplest form, For cold display, for hollow state, The trappings of the would-be great Oh ! once again those days recall, When heart met heart in fashion's hall ; When every honest guest would flock To add his pleasure to the stock, More fond his transports to express. Than show the tinsel of his dress ! These were the times that clasp 'd the soul In gentle friendship's soft control ; Our fair ones, unprofaned by art. Content to gain one honest heart, No train of sighing swains desired. Sought to be loved and not admired. 118 114 VBOK THE MILL OF FIKDAB COCKLOFT, B8Q. But now 'tis form, not love, unites ; 'Tis show, not pleasure, that invites. Each seeks the ball to plaj the queen, To flirt, to conquer, to be seen ; Each grasps at universal sway, And reigns the idol of the day ; Exults amid a thousand sighs. And triumphs when a lover dies. Each belle a rival belle surveys, Like deadly foe, with hostile gaze ; Nor can her •' dearest friend " caress, Till she has slily scann'd her dress ; Ten conquests in one year will make, And six eternal friendships break ! How oft I breathe the inward sigh, And feel the dew-drop in my eye, When I behold some beauteous frame, Divine in everything but name. Just venturing, in the tender age. On fashion's late new-fangled stage ! Where soon the guiltless heart shall cease To beat in artlessness and peace ; Where all the flowers of gay delight With which youth decks its prospects bright, Shall vnther 'mid the cares, the strife, The cold realities of life ! Thus lately, in my careless mood, As I the world of fashion view'd. While celebrating, great and small, That grand solemnity, a ball. My roving vision chanced to light On two sweet forms, divinely bright : Two sister nymphs, alike in face, In mien, in loveliness, and grace ; Twin rose-buds, bursting into bloom, In all their brilliance and perfume ; Like those fair forms that often beam Upon the Eastern poet's dream ! For Eden hath each lovely maid In native innocence array 'd, — Hj He Atl ThI H( Anl Asf VBOM THE MILL OF FINDAB COCKLOrT, ESQ. And heaven itself bad almost shed Its sacred halo round each head ! They seem'd, just entering hand in hand, To cautious tread this fairy land ; To take a timid hasty view, Enchanted with a scene so new. The modest blush, untaught by art. Bespoke their purity of heart ; And every timorous act unfurl'd Two souls unspotted by the world Oh, how these strangers joy'd my sight, And thrill'd my bosom with delight ! They brought the visions of my youth Back to my soul in all their truth ; Recall'd fair spirits into day, That Time's rough hand had swept away Thus the bright natives from above, Who come on messages of love, Will bless, at rare and distant whiles. Our sinful dwelling by their smiles. Oh ! my romance of youth is past- Dear airy dreams, too bright to last. 115 V. et when such forms as these appear, I feel your soft remembrance here • For, ah ! the simple poet's heart, On which fond love once play'd its part. Still feels the soft pulsations beat. As loth to quit their former seat : Just like the harp's melodious wire. Swept by a bard with heavenly fire — Though cease the loudly swelling strain, Yet sweet vibrations long remain. Full soon I found the lovely pair Had sprung beneath a mothers care, Hard by a neighbouring streamlet's side. At once its ornament and pride. The beauteous parent's tender heart Had well fulfill d its pious part; And, like the holy man of old, As we 're by sacred writings told, I ft ! 116 FROM THE MILL OF PIXDAB COCKLOFT, ESQ Who, when he froin his pupil sped, Pour'd two-fold blessings on his head ; So this fond mother had impress d Her early virtues in each breast, And as she found her stock enlarge, Had stamp'd new graces on her charge The fair resign 'd the calm retreat. When first their souls in concert beat. And flew on expectation's wing. To sip the joys of life's gay spring; To sport in fashion's splendid maze, Where friendship fades and love decays. So two sweet wild flowers, near the side Of some fair river's silver tide. Pure as the gentle stream that laves The green banks with its lucid waves, Bloom beauteous in their native ground, Diffusing heavenly fragrance round ; But should a venturous hand transfer These blossoms to the gay parterre. Where, spite of artificial aid, The fairest plants of nature fade ; Though they may shine supreme awhile, 'Mid pale ones of the stranger soil, The tender beauties soon decay. And their sweet fragrance dies away. Blest spirits ! who, enthroned in air, Watch o'er the virtues of the fair, And with angelic ken survey Their windings through life's chequer 'd way; Who hover round them as they glide Down fashion's smooth deceitful tide. And guide them o'er that stormy deep Where dissipation's tempests sweep * Oh ! make this inexperienced pair The objects of your tenderest care. Preserve them from the languid eye. The faded cheek, the long-drawn sigh : And let it be your constant aim To keep the fair ones still the same : Ti At Tl W So To Th Pu N( The long ir our last num rise to mucl It is but a d man observe nine days' w would be our that of chiva venture to fo about himse] diction, and 1 Though I of the public of three thoi a remarkabl; account of so our useful lal cost either of what would 1 world at larg actually boug profits of our He inform Saturday for heart, that he and one good- of quitting th to this, the to night : and sc that if anothi IKTBODUCTIOK TO THE NUMDKR. Two sister hearts, unsullied, bright As the first beams of lucid light, That sparkled from the youthful sun, When first his jocund race begun. So when these hearts shall burst their shrine. To wing their flight to realms divine, They may to radiant mansions rise Pure as when first they left the skies. iir No. X.— SATURDAY, MAY 16, 1807. • FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIll. The long interval which has elapsed since the publication of our last number, like many other remarkable events, has given rise to much conjecture, and excited considerable solicitude. It is but a day or two since I heard a knowing young gentle- man observe, that he suspected " Salmagundi " would be a nine days' wonder, and had even prophesied that the ninth would be our last effort. But the age of prophecy, as well as that of chivalry, is past ; and no reasonable man should now veuture to foretell aught, but what he is determined to bring about himself; — he may then, if he please, monopolise pre- diction, and be honoured as a prophet, even in his own country. Though I hold whether we write or not write to be none of the public's business, yet as I have just heard of the loss of three thousand votes at least to the Clintouians, I feel in a remarkably dulcet humour thereupon, and will give an account of some of the reasons which induced us to resume our useful labours — or rather our amusements ; for, if writing cost either of us a moment's labour, there is not a man but what would hang up his pen, to the great detriment of the world at large, and of our publisher in particular ; who has actually bought himself a pair of trunk breeches, with the profits of our writings ! He informs me, that several persons, having called last Saturday for No. X., took the disappointment so much to heart, that he really apprehended some terrible catastrophe : and one good-looking man in particular, declared his intention of quitting the countiy, if the work was not continued. Add to this, the town has grown quite melancholy in the last fort night : and several young ladies have declared in my hearing, that if another number did not make its appearance soon. I i \ 118 DEMI SEMIQUAVER TO they would be obliged to amuse themselves with teazing their beaux, and making them miserable. Now, I assure my readers, there was no flattery in this, for they no more sus- pected me of being Latincelot LangstafT, than they suspect me of being the Emperor of China, or the man in the moon I have also received several letters, complaining of our indo- lent procrastination ; and one of my correspondents assures me, that a number of young gentlemen, who had not read a book through since they left school, but who have taken a wonderful liking to our paper, will certainly relapse into their old habits, unless we go on. For the sake, therefore, of all these good people, and most especially for the satisfaction of the ladies, every one of whom we would love, if we possibly could, I have again wielded my pen, with a most hearty determination to set the whole world to rights ; to make cherubim and seraphim of all the £ur ones of this enchanting town, and raise the spirits of the poor fede- ralists, who, in truth, seem to be in a sad taking, ever since the American ticket met with the accident of being so un- happily thrown out. TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. Sir, — I felt myself hurt and oflFended by Mr. Evergreen's ter- rible philippic against modern music, in No. II. of your work, and was under serious apprehension that his strictures might bring the art, which I have the honour to profess, into con- tempt. The opinions of yourself and fraternity appear indeed to have a wonderful effect upon the town. I am told the ladies are all employed in reading Bunyan and Pamela, and the waltz has been entirely forsaken ever since the winter balls have closed. Under these apprehensions, I should have addressed you before, had I not been sedulously employed, while the theatre continued open, in supporting the astonish- ing variety of the orchestra, and in composing a new chime» or bob-major, for Trinity Church, to be rung during the sum- mer, beginning with ding-dong di-do, instead of di-do ding- dong. The citizens, especially those who live in the neigh- bourhood of that harmonious quarter, will no doubt be iafi- nitely delighted with this novelty. But to the object of this communication. So far, sir, tnm. agreeing with Mr. Evergreen in thinking that all modem mumo is but the mere dregs and drainings of the andent, I trust, bef him that have con and that absolute i The G of Orphei of Amphii into morti the fishes. that Apol bis own sj had they \ they heard glowing n( and not oi and not oi mony? Let me sole author I confess I of those me and made s some of thi Marengo, i amazonian military tai firing of r druma^ the the dying, the wars; inimitable 1 and sentim the necessit celebrated i I think, the whole c( improve up art, I have striking ma] accompanier^ In order a n jSWir'J LAUNCELOT UUfOSTAFr, ESQ. 110 tnut, before this letter is conclu'^ed, I shall convince you and him that some of the late prol* ssors of this enchanting art have completely distanced the paltry efforts of the ancients ; and that I, in particular, have at length brought it almost to absolute perfection. The Greeks, simple souls, were astonished at the powers of Orpheus, who made the woods and rocks dance to his lyre — of Amphion, who converted crotchets into bricks, and quavers into mortar — and of Anon, who won upon the compassion of the fishes. In the fervency of admiration, their poets fabled that Apollo had lent them his lyre, and inspired them with his own spirit of harmony. What then would they have said, had they witnessed the wonderful effects of my skill ? Had they heard me, in the compass of a single piece, describe in glowing notes one of the most sublime operations of nature, and not only make inanimate objects dance, but even speak ; and not only speak, but speak in strains of exquisite har- mony? Let me not, however, be understood to say that I am the sole author of this extraordinary improvement in the art, for I confess I took the hint of many of my discoveries from some of those meritorious productions that have lately come abroad, and made so much noise under the title of overtures. From some of these, as, for instance, Lodoiska, and the Battle of Marengo, a gentleman, or a captain in the city militia, or an amazonian young lady, may indeed acquire a tolerable idea of military tactics, and become very well experienced in the firing of musketry, the roaring of cannon, the rattling of drums» the whistling of fifes, braying of trumpets, groans of the dying, and trampling of cavalry, without ever going to the wars ; but it is more especially in the art of imitating inimitable things, and giving the language of every passion and sentiment of the human mind, so as entirely to do away the necessity of speech, that I particularly excel the most celebrated musicians of ancient and modem times. I think, sir, I may venture to say there is not a sound in the whole compass of nature which I cannot imitate, and even improve upon ; — nay, what I consider the perfection of my art, I have discovered a method of expressing, in the most striking manner, that undefinable, indescribable silence which accompanies the falling of snow. In order to prove to you that I do not arrogate to myself 1 _J 130 DEMI SEMIQUAVEB TO vrhat I am unable to perform, I \\\]\ detail to you the different movements of a grand piece, which I pride myself upon exceedingly, called the " Breaking up of the ice in the North River." The piece opens with a gentle andante affettuoso, which tishers you into the assembly-room in the Btate-house at Albany, where the speaker addresses his farewell speech, informing the members that the ice is about breaking up. and thanking them for their great senices and good behaviour, in a manner so pathetic as to bring tears into their eyes. — Flourish of Jack-a-donkies. — Ice cracks; Albany in a hub- bub — air, " Three children sliding on the ice, all on a sum* mer's day." — Citizens quarrelling in Dutch — chorus of tin trumpet, a cracked fiddle, and a hand-saw ! —allegro moderato — Hard frost ; this, if given with proper spirit, has a charm- ing effect, and sets everybody's teeth chattering. — Symptoms of snow — consultation of old women, who complain of pains in the bones, and rheumatics — air, " There was pn old woman tossed up in a blanket," &c. — allegro staccato. — Waggon breaks into the ice — people all run to see what is the matter — air, siciliano. — " Can you row the boat ashore, Billy boy, Billy boy?" — andante; — frost fish froze up in the ice— air, •"Ho, why dost thou shiver and shake, Gaffer Gray, and why docs thy nose look bo blue?" — Flourish of twopenny trum- pets and rattles — consultation of the North Kiver Society — determine to set the Nurlh Iliver on fire as soon as it will bum — air, *' Oh, what a fine kettle of fish." Part II. — Great Thaw. — This consists of the most melting strains, flowing so smoothly as to occasion a great overflowing of scientific rapture — air, " One misty, moisty morning." — The House of Assembly breaks up — air, "The owls came out and flew about." — Assembly men embark on their way to New York — air, "The ducks and the geese they all ' 'm over, fal de nil," Ac. — Vessel sets sail— chorus of mariners, " Steer her up, and let her gang." — After this, a rapid move- ment conducts you to New York — the North River Society hold a meeting at the corner of Wall Street, and determine to delay burni g till all the assembly men are safe home, for fear of consuming some of their own members who belong to that respectable body. — Return again to the capital. — Ice floats down the river— lamentation of skaters — air, affettuoso — ** I sigh and lament me in vain," &c. — Albanians cutting up sturgeon- against I sen ted bj huge bas: minute, i called ex€ and is sa Putnam.- doodle," M except by the coppei Ice passe! ferry-man feny-boat " We '11 al account of to be close! society ma utterly defi plot to ligh sions twent discouragec air, "Nose over the ci Communipi to conclude Thus, sir have been 1 histoiy is h provided th cannot misj powder-houi confident wi estimate mi in thunderii I must and I have force and efl that, by the have brougl JfffliSI-- LAUXCELOT LANOSTAFF, ESQ. nng IQl runs sturgeon — air, " the roost beef of Albany." — Ice against Polnpoj's Island, with a terrible crash ; this is repre- sented by a tierce fellow travelling with his fiddlestick over a huge bass viol, at the rate of one hundred and tifiy burs a minute, and tearing the music to rags — this being what is called execution. The great body of ice passes West Point, and is saluted by three or four dismounted cannon from Fort Putnam. — "Jefferson's march," by a full band— air, "Yankee doodle," with seventy-six variations, never before attempted, except by the celebrated eagle which flutters his wings over the copper-bottomed angel at Messrs. PafT's in Broadway. — Ice passes New York— conch-shell sounds at a distance — ferry-man calls o-v-e-r — people run down Courtlandt Street — ferry-boat sets sail — air, accompanied by the conch-shell. " We '11 all go over the ferry." — Kondeau — giving a particular account of Brom, the Powles-hook admiral, who is supposed to be closely connected with the North River Society. — The society make a grand attempt to fire the stream, but are utterly defeated by a remarkably high tide, which brings the plot to light — drowns upwards of a thousand rats, and occa- sions twenty robins to break their necks*. — Society not being discouraged, apply to "Common Sense" for his lant«m — air, "Nose, nose, jolly red nose." — Flock of wild geese fly over the city — old wives chatter in the fog — cocks crow at Communipaw— drums beat on Governor's Island. — The whole to conclude with the blowing up of Sands' powder-house. Thus, sir, you perceive what wonderful powers of expression have been hitherto locked up in this enchanting art ; — a whole history is here told without the aid of speech, or writing ; and provided the hearer is in the least acquainted with music, bo cannot mistake a single note. As to the blowing up of the powder-house, I look upon it as a chef d'ceuvre, which I am confident will delight all modern amateurs, who very properly estimate music in proportion to the noise it makes, and delight in thundering cannon and earthquakes. I must confess, however, it is a difBcult part to manage, and I have already broken six pianos in giving it the proper force and effect. But I do not despair, and am quite certain that, by the time I have broken eight or ten more, I shall have brought it to such perfection, as to be able to teach any * Vide Solomon Lang. I ! Mt 122 DEMI SEMIQUAVEB TO LAUNCELOT LAKG8TAFF, ESQ. youtig la'ly, of tolerable ear, to thunder it away to the iufinite delight of papa or mamma, and the great annoyance of those Vandals who are so barbarous as to prefer the simple melody of a Scots air to the sublime effusions of modern musictd doctors. In my warm anticipations of future improvement, I have sometimes almost convinced myself that music will in time be brought to such a climax of perfection, as to supersede the necessity of speech and writing, and every kind of social intercourse be conducted by the flute and fiddle. The im- mense benefits that will result from this improvement must be plain to every man of the least consideration. In the present unhappy situation of mortals, a man has but one way of making himself perfectly understood : if he loses hui speech, he must inevitably bo dumb all the rest of his life ; but having once learned this new musical language, the loss of speech will be a mere trifle, not worth a moment's uneasi- ness. Not only this, Mr. L., but it will add much to the harmony of domestic intercourse; for it is certainly much more agreeable to hear a lady give lectures on the piano, than vivd voce, \u the usual dicicordant measure. This manner of discoursing may also, I think, be introduced with great effect into our national assemblies, where every man, instead of wagging his tongue, should be obliged to flourish a fiddle- stick; by which means if he said nothing to the purpose, he would at all events " discourse most eloquent music," which is more than can be said of most of them at present. They might also sound their own trumpets, without being obliged to a hireling scribbler for an immortality of nine days, or subjected to the censure of egotism. But the most important result of this discovery is, that it may be applied to the establishment of that great desideratum in the learned world, a universal langimge. Wherever this science of music is cultivated, nothing more will be necessary than a knowledge of its alphabet; which being almost the same everywhere, will amount to a universal medium of oommunication. A man may thus — with his violin under his arm, a piece of rosin, and a few bundles of catgut— fiddle his way through the world, and never be at a loss to make him- self understood. I am, &o. Demi Seuiquayeh. Without tl dared, he « difference o the days of of the pres •trongexair "I REMEl plished ai there, he less beaut; and great" well as in tude of 81 them all w although it for Count their nupt delicate se, ▼irtucs whi like a lov without ti through hi lion sanctu evenings people werL young lad^ one of the mont, till telle, to red bride. ThI Again adva that shook modest an played u oemand in His mistre; One o; ing( ^^„„. forfeits, as A kiss froi 123 NOTE BY THE PUBLISHER, Without the knowledge or permiMion of the anthora, and which, if he dared, he would have placed near where their remarks are made on the great difference of manners which exists between the sexes now from what did in the days of our grand-dames. The diinger of that cheek -by jowl familiarity of the present tiny must be obvious to many : and I think the following a strong example of one of its evils. XXTRACTSD VROM "THE MIRROR OF THB ORIOIS." " T REMEMBER the Count M -, one of the most accom plished and handsome young men in Vienna: when I was there, he was passionately in love with a girl of almost peer- less beauty. She was the daughter of a man of great rank, and great influence at court ; and on these considerations, as well as in regard to her charms, she was followed by a multi- tude of suitors. She was lively and amiable, and treated them all with an affability which still kept them in her train, although it was generally known she had avowed a partiality for Count M , and that preparations were making for their nuptials. The Count was of a refined mind, and a delicate sensibility : he loved her for herself alone ; for th4 virtues which he believed dwelt in he** beautiful form ; and, like a lover of such perfections, he never approached her without timidity; and when he touched her, a fire shot through his veins, that warned him not to invade the vermil- lion sanctuary of her lips. Such were his feelings, when, one evening, at his intended father-in-law's, a party of young people were met to celebrate a certain festival : several of the young lady's rejected suitors were present. Forfeits were one of the pastimes, and all went on with the greatest merri- ment, till tne Count was commanded, by some witty ma'aiH' telle, to redeem his glove by saluting the cheek of his intended bride. The Count blushed, trembled, advanced, retreated; tgain advanced to his mistress ; — and, at last, with a tremor that shook his whole soul, and every fibre of his frame, with • modest and diffident grace, he took the soft ringlet which Stayed upon her cheek, pressed it to his lips, and retired to emand his redeemed pledge in the most evident confusion. His mistress gaily smiled, and the game went on. '* One of her rejected suitors, who was of a merry, unthink- ing disposition, was ac^udged by the same indiscreet crier of the foneits, as ' his last treat before he hanged himself.' to snatdl % kiss from the ol^sct of his recent vows. A livelv contest •'I 134 IfUSTAPHA BUD'A-DUO KELI KHAK ensued between the gentleman and lady, which lasted for more than a minute ; but the lady yielded, tliough in the midst of a convulsive laugh. The Count had the mortification — the agony — to see the lips which his passionate and delicate love would not permit him to touch kissed with roughness and repetition by another man ; even by one whom he really de- spised. Mournfully and silently, without a word, he rose from his chair — left the room and the house. By that good-natured kiss the fair boast of Vienna lost her lover — lost her husband. The Count never saw her more." No. XI.— TUESDAY, JULY 2, 1807. Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-dub Kelt Khan to Asem Hacciikm, principal Slave-driver to his Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli. The deep shadows of midnight gather around me — the foot- steps of the passengers have ceased in the streets, and nothing disturbs the holy silence of the hour save the sound d distant drums, mingled with the shouts, the bawlings, and the dis- cordant revelry of his majesty, the sovereign mob. Let the hour be sacred to friendship, and consecrated to thee, oh, thou brother of mv inmost soul ! Oh, Asem! I almost shrink at the recollection of the scenes of confusion, of licentious disorganization, which I have wit- nessed during the last three days. I have beheld this whole city, nay, this whole state, given up to the tongue and the pen — to the puffers, the bawlers, the babblers, and the slang- whangeis. I have beheld the community convulsed with a civil wnr, or civil talk — individuals verbally massacred — fami- lies annihilated by whole sheets full — and slang-whangers coolly bulbing their pens in ink, and rioting in the slaughter of their thousands. I have seen, in short, that awful despot, the people, in the moment of unlimited power, wielding news- papers in one hand, and with the other scattering mud and filth about, like some desperate lunatic relieved from the restraints of his strait-waistcoat. I have seen beggars on horseback, raga- mutfins riding in coaches, and swine seated in places of honour. I have seen liberty ! I have seen equality ! I have seen fraternity ! I have seen that great political puppet-show — an election. A few days ago the friend, whom I have mentioned in some of my former letters, called upon me to accompany him to wit- ness this J polls, as 1 this splen( do assure t on coming at the poll gious cerer of Haraphf Afy frieii into a long the substan said he, •• t warfare, an( An election when the b( when every raged by th foons, depe mumpers, n puffed up b^ lantly the bi immortality] "For am is to decide ferment. E wonderful p his business significant f with as mucf as if all thJ dependent oJ place called meetings, v/t and arrange] raanders anc funds indisL Inferior coul wards, consi«[ idlers, who . appear for tl the weaknesl meeting, as i] pm^ TO ASEM HACCHEM 1-25 nesH this grand ceremony ; and we forthwith sallied out to the polls, as he called them. Though, for several weeks before this splendid exhibition nuthing else had been talked of, yet I do assure thee I was entirely ignorant of its nature ; and when, on coming up to a church, my companion informed me we were at the poll, I supposed that an election was some great reli- gious ceremony, like the fast of liamazan, or the great festival of Haraphat, so celebrated in the East. My friend, however, undeceived me at once, and entered into a long dissertation on the nature and object of an election, the substance of which was nearly to this eflfect : " You know," said he, " that this country is engaged in a violent internal warfare, and suffers a variety of evils from civil dissensions. An election is the grand trial of strength, the decisive battle, when the belligerents draw out their forces in martial array ; when every leader, burning with warlike ardour, and encou- raged by the shouts and acclamations of tatterdemalions, buf- foons, dependents, parasites, toad-eaters, scrubs, vagrants, mumpers, ragamuffins, bravoes, and beggars, in his rear ; and puffed up by his bellows-blowing slang- whangers, waves gal- lantly the banners of faction, and presses forward to office and immortality. ** For a month or two previous to the critical period which is to decide this important affair, the whole community is in a ferment. Every man, of whatever rank or degree, such is the wonderful patriotism of the people, disinterestedly neglects his business to devote himself to his country ; and not an in- significant fellow but feels himself inspired on this occasion with as much warmth in favour of the cause he has espoused, as if all the comfort of his life, or even his life itself, was dependent on the issue. Grand councils of war are in the first place called by the different powers^ which are dubbed general meetings, where all the head workmen of the party collect, and arrange the order of battle — appoint the different com- manders and their subordinate instruments, and furnish the funds indispensable for supplying the expenses of the war. Inferior councils are next called in the different classes or wards, consisting of young cadets who are candidates for office; idlers, who come there from mere curiosity ; and orators, who appear for the purpi ir and complexion of a tulip ; others are charmed with -be I • 'es of the feathered race, or the varied hues of the ins ;• d j. A naturalist will spend hours in the fatiguing pursuit, oi a butterfly ; and a man of the ton will waste whole years in the chase of a fine lady. I feel a respect for their avocations, for my own are somewhat similar. I love to open the great volume of human character: to me the examination of a beau is more interesting than that of a daffodil or narcissus ; and I feel a thousand times more plea- sure in catching a new view of human nature, than in kid- napping the most gorgeous butterfly — even an Emperor of Morocco himself. In my present situation I have ample room for the indul- gence of this taste ; for perhaps there is not a house in this city more fertile in subjects for the anatomists of huiuan character than my cousin Cockloft's. Honest Christopher, as I have before mentioned, is one of those hearty old cavaliers who pride themselves upon keeping up the good, honest, unceremonious hospitality of old times. He [e is never so happy * Our pnblither, who it biuilj engaged in printing a celebrated work, which ii perhapi more generallj rend in this city than any other book, not excepting the Bible — I mean the New York Directory — ha« begged so hard that we would not overwhelm him with too much of a good thing, that w« have, with LangttaiT'i approbation, cut ihort the reiidue of uncle John's Mnoun. In all probability it will be given in a future number, whenevw Lanncetot is in tne humour for it ; he it tach an odd — but mum, for fear of aaother nupention. — If ok hjf WiUitm Wimrd, Mt%. io in 188 0HBI8T0PHEB COCKLOFf S C01IPAM7. as wbeu he has drawn about him a knot of sterling- hearted associates, and sits at the head of his table dispensing a warm, cheering welcome to all. His countenance expands at every ^ass, and beams forth emanations of hilarity, benevolence, and good fellowship, that inspire and gladden every guest around him. It is no wonder, therefore, that such excellent social qualities should attract a host of guests ; in fact, mj cousin is almost overwhelmed with them ; and they all, uni- formly, pronounce old Cockloft to be one of the finest old fellows in the world. His wine also always comes in for a good share of their approbation; nor do they forget to do honour to Mrs. Cockloft's cookery, pronouncing it to be mo- delled after the most approved recipes of Heliogabalus and Mrs. Glasse. The variety of company thus attracted is par- ticularly pleasing to me ; for being considered a privileged* £)rson in the family, I can sit in a comer, indulge in my ▼ourite amusement of observation, and retreat to my elbow- chair, like a bee to his hive, whenever I have collected suffi- cient food for meditation. Will Wizard is particularly efficient in adding to the stock of originals which frequent our house ; for he is one of the most inTeterate hunters of oddities I ever knew ; and his first care, on making a new acquaintance, is to gallant him to old Cock- loft's, where he never fails to receive the freedom of the house in a pinch from his gold box. Will hss, without exception, the queerest, most eccentric, and indescribable set of intimates that ever man possessed; how ho became acquainted with them I cannot conceive, except by supposing there is a secret attraction or unintelligible sympathy that unconsciously draws together oddities of every soil. Will's great crony for some time was Tom Straddle, to whom he really took a great liking. Straddle had just arrived in an importation of hardware, fresh from the city of Birming- ham, or rather, as the most learned English would call it, Brummagem, so famous for its manufactories of gimlets, pen- knives, and pepper-boxes, and where they make buttons and beaux enough to inundate our whole countrv. He was a young man of considerable standing in the manufactory at Birming- ham ; sometimes had the honour to hand his master's daughter into a tim-whiskey, was the oracle of the tavern he frequented tn Sundays, and could beat all his associates, if you would take his word for it, in boxing, beer-drinking, jumping over chairs, e Straddle great ba plete con lacter at member actors pe *' enacted applause : authorizci He had t manufacti to ffet a ti and Burgi of Old En eveiy disl though at crossed th( times by i tive felicit; noble duk( the untitle one of the **gemmen, undertake vour to ins native coui Straddl mined to himself as be receivec faction, th( the crowd through th excite as n streets of women, an should eclj ipairing io •m even in beads, spik •ffsctioDs CBBX8T0PHEB COCKLOFTS COlfPAMY. 180 chairs, and imitating cats in a gutter and opera-singers. Straddle was, moreover, a member of a catch-club, and was a greit hand at ringing bob-nugors ; he was, of course, a com- plete connoisseur in music, and entitled to assume that cha- itcter at all performances in the art. He was likewise a member of a spouting-club ; had seen a company of strolling actors perform in a bam, and had even, like Abel Drugger, *' enacted " the part of Major Sturgeon with considerable applause : he was consequently a profound critic, and fully authorized to turn up his nose at any American performances. He had twice partaken of annual dinners, given to the head manufacturers of Birmingham, where he had the good fortune to get a taste of turtle and turbot, and a smack of Champagno and Burgundy ; and he had heard a vast deal of the roast beef of Old England : he was therefore epicure sufficient to d — n every dish and eveiy glass of wine he tasted in America, though at the same time he was as voracious an animal as ever crossed the Atlantic. Straddle had been splashed half-a-dozea times by the carriages of nobility, and had once the superla- tive felicity of being kicked out of doors by the footman of a noble duke ; he could, therefore, talk of nobility, and despise the untitled plebeians of America. In short, Straddle was one of those dapper, bustling, florid, round, self-important **gemmm" who bounce upon us half beau, half button- maker; undertake to give us the true polish of the bon-ton, and endea* vour to inspire us with a proper and dignified contempt of our native country. Straddle was quite in raptures when his employers deter- mined to send lum to America as an agent. He considered himself as going among a nation of barbarians, where he would be received as a prodigy: he anticipated, with a profound satis- {action, the bustle ana confusion his arrival would occasion ; the crowd that would throng to gaze at him as he passed through the streets ; and had little doubt but that he should excite as much curiosity as an Indian chief or a Turk in the streets of Birmingham. He had heard of the beauty of our women, and chuckled at the thought of how completely he should eclipse their unpolished beaux, and the number of de- spairing lovers that would mourn the hour of his arrival. I ttn even informed by Will Wizard that he put good store of beads, spike-nails, and looking-glasses in his trunk, to win the affections of the fair ones as they paddled about in their bark ■ 'J 'I! ' ■ I .fill 140 CHBISTOPHEB COCKLOrTS COICPAKT canoes. The reason Will gave for this error of Straddle's re* specting our ladies was, that he had read in Guthrie's Geo* graphy, that the aborigines of America were all savages ; and not exactly understanding the word aborigines, he applied to one of his fellow-apprentices, who assured him that it was the Latin word for inhabitants. Wizard used to tell another anecdote of Straddle, which al- ways put him in a passion : Will swore that the captain of a ship told him, that when Straddle heard they were off the banks of Newfoundland, ho insisted on going on shore there to gather some good cabbages, of which he was excessively fond. Straddle, however, denied all this, and declared it to be a mischievous quiz of Will Wizard, who indeed often made himself merry at his expense. However this may be, certain it is he kept hib tailor and shoemaker constantly employed for a month before his departure ; equipped himself with a smart crooked stick about eighteen inches long, a pair of breeches of most unheard-of length, a little short pair of Hoby's white- topped boots, that seemed to stand on tip-toe to reach his breeches, and his hat had the true transatlantic declination towards his right ear. The fact was — nor did he make any secret of it — he was determined to astonish the natives a few! Straddle was not a little disappointed on his arrival, to find the Americans were rather more civilized than he had ima- gined ; be was suffered to walk to his lodgings unmolested by a crowd, and even unnoticed by a single individual ; no love- letters cnme pouring in upon him ; no rivals lay in wait to assassinate him ; his very dress excited no attention, for there were many fools dressed equally ridiculous with himself This was mortifying indeed to an aspiring youth, who had come out with the idea of astonishing and captivating. He was equally unfortunate in his pretensions to the character of critic, con- noisseur, and boxer : he condemned our whole dramatic corps, and everything appertaining to the theatre ; but his critical abilities were ridiculed; he found fault with old Cockloft's dinner, not even sparing his wine, and was never invited to the house afterwards; he scoured the streets at night, and was cudgelled by a sturdy watchman ; he hoaxed a honest mechanic, and was soundly kicked. Thus disappointed in all his attempts at notoriety, Straddle hit on the expedient which was resorted to by the Giblets ; he determined to take the town by storm. He accordingly bought horses and equipages, and fortl tandem. As Str supposed his consif true cock circumstai was now a sordid cat this circur of style wi give an en diately fan poor Birm saws and r way in his | on a nest cockney ei imaginatioi like rosy B man who I Almanack. Straddle well be sup vain to bee equipage is gold, will g ricle or his high pedesf the dullest of cities ! h( your sapier wonderful t Thus Str and courted absurd or r style. He reverence, barous ; ani been more of eating, if his oi^ns. 0BBI8T0PHEB COCKLOFTS COUPANT. 141 and forthwith made a furious dash at style in a gig and tandem. As Straddle's finances were but limited, it mav easily be supposed that his fashionable career infringed a little upon his consignments, which was indeed the case— for, to use a true cockney phrase, Brummagem suffered. But this was a circumstance that made little impression upon Straddle, who was now a lad of spirit — and lads of spirit always despise the sordid cares of keeping another man's uoney. Suspecting this circumstance, I never could witness any of his exhibitions of style without some whimsical association of ideas. Did he give an entertainment to a host of guzzling friends, I imme- diately fancied them gormandizing heartily at the expense of poor Birmingham, and swallowing a consignment of hand- saws and razors. Did I behold him dashing through Broad- way in his gig, I saw him, " in my mind's eye," daring tandem on a nest of teaboards; nor could I ever contemplate his cockney exhibitions of horsemanship, but my mischievous imagination would picture him spurring a cask of hardware, like rosy Bacchus bestriding a beer-barrel, or the little gentle- man who bestraddles the world in the front of Hutching's Almanack. Straddle was equally sudcessful with the Giblets, as may well be supposed ; for though pedestrian merit may strive in vain to become fashionable in Gotham, yet a candidate in an equipage is always recognised, and, like Philip's ass, laden with gold, will gain admittance everywhere. Mounted in his cur- ricle or his gig, the candidate 7s like a statue elevated on a high pedestal ; his merits are discernible from afar, and strike the dullest optics. Oh! Gotham, Gotham ! most enlightened of cities ! how does my heart swell with delight when I behold your sapient inhabitants lavishing their attention with such wonderful discernment! Thus Straddle became quite a man of ton, and was caressed, and courted, and invited to dinners and balls. Whatever was absurd or ridiculous in him before, was now declared to be the style. He criticised our theatre, and was listened to with reverence. He pronounced our musical entertainments bar- barous ; and the judgment of Apollo himself would not have been more decisive. He abused our dinners ; and the god of eating, if there be any svch deity, seemed to speak through his organs. He became at ouce a man of taste — for he put 'I 142 CHBISTOPHEB COCKLOFTS COMFAirT. his malediction on everything; and his arguments were conclusive — for he supported every assertion with a bet. He was likewise pronounced by the learned in the fashionable world a young man of great research and deep observation— for he had sent home as natural curiosities an ear of Indian com, a pair of moccasins, a belt of wampum, and a four-leaved clover. He had taken great pains to enrich this curious col- lection with an Indian, and a cataract, but without success. In fine, the people talked of Straddle and his equipage, and Straddle talked of his horses, until it was impossible for the most critical observer to pronounce whether Straddle or his horses were most admired, or whether Straddle admired him- self or his horses most. Straddle was now in the zenith of his glory. He swaggered about parlours and drawing-rooms with the same unceremo- nious confidence he used to display in the taverns of Birming- ham. He accosted a lady as he would a barmaid ; and tms was pronounced a certain proof that he had been used to better company in Birmingham. He became the great man of all the taverns between New York and Haerlem ; and no one stood a chance of being accommodated until Straddle and his horses were perfectly satisfied. He d — d the landlords and the waiters with the best air in the world, and accosted them with true gentlemanly familiarity. He staggered from the dinner-table to the play, entered the box like a tempest, and stayed long enough to be bored to death, and to bore all those who had the misfortune to be near him. From thence he dashed off to a ball, time enough to flounder through a cotil- lon, tear half-a-dozen gowns, commit a number of other de- predations, and make the whole company sensible of his infinite condescension in coming amongst them. The people of Go- tham thought him a prodigious fine fellow ; the young bucks cultivated his acquaintance with the most persevering assiduity, and his retainers were sometimes complimented with a seat in his curricle, or a ride on one of his fine horses. The belles were delighted with the attentions of such a fashionable gentle- man, and struck with astonishment at his learned distinctions between wrought scissors and those of cast steel; together with his profound dissertations on buttons and horse-flesh. The rich merchants courted his acquaintance because he was an Englishman ; and their wives treated him with great defe- rence because he had come from beyond seas. I cannot help here obs sharpene some of I Stradd His pros checked aspiring ; who, as a men." C floated in shoemake all his re though he more cust< city. Th< given, a I Straddle si do the thii into the lii have knoT d 1. Unfortm young gen the nativef neate his < worthy to haps my si guish betT» the cast springing to daylighj true bom i hold in gr^ when our hailed eacJ contemplatl ashamed origin. Ii outline of t of that in< speare, CHBISTOPBEB C0CKL0FT*8 COHPANT. 143 here observing that your salt water is a marvellous great sharpener of men's wits, and I intend to recommend it to some of my acquaintance in a particular essay. Straddle continued his brilliant career for only a short time. His prosperous journey over the turnpike of fashion was checked by some of those stumbling-blocks in the way of aspiring youth, called creditors, or duns — a race of people who, as a celebrated writer observes, " are hated by gods and men." Consignments slackened, whispers of distant suspicion floated in the dark, and those pests of society, the tailors and shoemakers, rose in rebellion against Straddle. In vain were all his remonstrances ; in vain did he prove to them, that though he had given them no money, yet he had given them more custom, and as many promises as any young man in the city. They were inflexible, and the signal of o^ger being given, a host of other prosecutors pounced upon his back. Straddle saw there was but one way for it ; he determined to do the thing genteelly, to go to smash like a hero, and dashed into the limits in high style ; being the fifteenth gentleman I have known to drive tandem to the — ne plus ultra — the d ^1. Unfortunate Straddle! may thy fate be a warning to all young gentlemen who come out from Birmingham to astonish the natives ! I should never have taken the trouble to deli- neate his character, had he not been a genuine cockney, and worthy to be the representative of his numerous tribe. Per- haps my simple countrymen may hereafter be able to distin- guish between the real English gentleman, and individuals of the cast I have heretofore spoken of, as mere mongrels, springing at one bound from contemptible obscurity at home, to daylight and splendour in this good-natured land. The true bom and true bred English gentleman is a character I hold in great respect ; and I love to look back to the period when our forefathers flourished in the same generous soil, and hailed each other as brothers. But the cockney ! — when I contemplate him as springing from the same source, I feel ashamed of the relationship, and am tempted to deny my origin. In the character of Straddle is traced the complete outline of a true cockney, of English growth, and a descendant of that individual facetious character mentioned by Shake- speare, " who, in pure kindneu to his horse, buttered his hay.'' 'is. I ] 144 THE STRANGER AT HOME ; OR, A TOUR IN BROADWAY. BT JEBEM7 COCKLOFT THE TOUNOEB. FBEFACE. Your learned traveller begins his travels at the commence- ment of his journey ; others begin theirs at the end ; and a third class begin anyhow and anywhere, which I think is the true way. A late facetious writer begins what he calls " A Picture of New York," with a particular description of Glen's Falls, from whence, with admirable dexterity, he makes a digression to the celebrated Mill Rock, on Long Island ! Now this is what I like ; and I intend in my present tour to digress as often and as long as I please. If, therefore, I choose to make a hop, skip, and jump to China, or New Holland, or Terra Incognita, or Communipaw, I can produce a host of examples to justify me, even in books that have been praised by the English reviewers, whose fiat being all that is neces- sary to give books a currency in this country, I am determined, as soon as I finish my edition of travels in seventy-five volumes, to transmit it forthwith to them for judgment. If these transatlantic censors praise it, I have no fear of its success in this country, where their approbation gives, like the Tower stamp, a fictitious value, and makes tinsel and wampum pass current for classic gold. CHAPTER I. Battery — Hag-staff kept by Louis Keaffee — Keaffee main- tains two spy-glasses by subscription — merchants pay two shillings a year to look through them at the signal-poles^n Staten Island ; a very pleasant prospect, but not so pleasant as that from the hill of Howth — quere, ever been there? Young seniors go down to the flag-staff to buy peanuts and beer, after the fatigue of their morning studies, and sometimes to play at ball, or some other innocent amusement — digi-es- sion to the Olympic and Isthmian games, with a description of the Isthmus of Corinth, and that of Darien : to conclude with a dissertation on the Indian custom of offering a wliiff of tobacco-smoke to their great spirit Areskou. Return to the battery ; delightful place to indulge in the luxury of senti- ment How various are the mutations of this rorld ! but a few days, a few hours, at least not above two iiundred years THE STRAKOER AT HOME ; OB, A TOUR IN BROADWAY. 145 ago, and this spot was inhabited bj a race of aborigines, who dwelt in bark huts, lived upon oysters and Indian com, danced btt£falo dances, and were lords " of the fowl and the brute ;" but the spirit of time, and the spirit of brandy, have swept them from their ancient inheritance : and as the white wave of the ocean, by its ever-toiling assiduity, gains on the brown land, so the white man, by slow and sure degrees, has gained on the brown savage, and dispossessed him of the land of his forefathers. Conjectures on the first peopling of America- different opinions on that subject, to the amount of near one hundred— opinion of Augustine Torniel, that they are the descendants of Shem and Japheth, who came by the way of Japan to America— JufTridius Petri says they came from Friezeland — mem. cold journey. Mons. Charron says they are descended from the Gauls — bitter enough. A. Milius from the Celtae— Kircher from the Egyptians — Le Gompte from the Fhenicians — Lescarbot from the Canaanites, alias the Anthropophagi — Brerewood from tlie Tartars — Grotius from the Norwegians ; and Linkum Fidelius has written two folio volumes to prove that America was first of all peopled either by the Antipodeans or the Cornish miners, who, he maintains^ might easily have made a subterranean passage to this country, particularly the Antipodeans, who, he asserts, can get along under ground as fast as moles — quere, which of these is in the right, or are they all wrong ? For my part, I don't see why America has not as good a right to be peopled at first as any little contemptible country in Europe or of Asia ; and I am determined to write a book at my first leisure, to prove that Noah was born here ; and that so far is America from being indebted to any other country for inhabitants, that they were every one of them peopled by colonies from her! — mem. battery a very pleasant place to walk on a Sunday evening — not quite genteel, though ; everybody walks there, and a plea- sure, however genuine, is spoiled by general participation: the fashionable ladies of New York turn up their noses if you ask them to walk on the battery on Sunday — quere, have they scruples of conscience or scruples of delicacy ? — neither: they have only scruples of gentUity, which are quite different things. I hi - :^.i * t 11 t'-f ■ij i v| ' ft CHAPTER n. CnsTOif-HousE -origin of duties on merchandise — this place 14« STBANQEB AT HOME; OR, mach frequented bj merchants — and why ? — different classes of merchants — importers — a kind of nobility — wholesale mer- chants — have the privilege of going to the city assembly ! — retail traders cannot go to the assembly. Some curious spe- culations on the vast distinctions betwixt selling tape by the piece or by the yard. Wholesale merchants look down upon the retailers, who in return look down upon the greengrocers, who look down upon the market-women, who don't care a straw about any of them. Origin of the distinction of ranks — Dr. Johnson once horribly puzzled to settle the point of precedence between a louse and a flea — good hint to humble purse-proud arrogance. Custom-house partly used as a lodging-house for the pictures belonging to the academy of arts— couldn't afford the statues house-room — ^most of them in the cellar of the city hall — ^poor place for the gods and goddesses — after Olympus. Pensive reflections on the ups and downs of life — Apollo, and the rest of the set, used to cut a great figure in days of yore. Mem. every dog has his day — sorry for Venus, though, poor wench, to be cooped up in a cellar, with not a single grace to wait upon her ! Eulogy on the gentlemen of the academy of arts, for the great spirit with which they began the undertak- ing, and the perseverance with which they have pursued it. It is a pity, however, they began at the wrong end — maxim — if you want a bird and a cage, always buy the cage first— hem ! —a word to the wise! CHAFTEB III. Bowling-green — ^fine place for pasturing cows — a perqui- site of the late corporation; formerly ornamented with the statue of George III. ; people pulled it down in the war to make bullets — great pity, as it might have been given to the academy ; it would have become a cellar as well as any other. Broadway — great difference in the gentility of streets ; a man who resides in Pearl Street, or Chatham Bow, derives no kind of dignity from his domicile, but place him in a certain part of Broadway — anywhere between the battery and Wall Street, and he straightway becomes entitled to figure in the beau tnonde, and strut as a person of prodigious consequence ! Quere, whether there is a degree of purity in the air of that quarter, which changes the gross particles of vulgarity into gems of refinement and polish ? A question to be asked, but not to be answered. Wall Street — City Hall— famous place mores . hand; course than tury; man, ( of aha\ snugly vitals sands. in the A TOTO ni BBOAOWAT. 147 i for catcbpoles, depaty sheriffs, and young lavvyers ; which last attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business anywhere else. My blood al* ways curdles when I see a catchpole, they being a species of yermin, who feed and fatten on the common wretchedness of mankind, who trade in misery, and, in becoming the execu- tioners of the law, by their oppression and villany, almost counterbalance all the benefits which are derived from it? salu^ tary regulations. Story of Quevedo about a catchpole pos- sessed by a devil, who, on being interrogated, declared that he did not come there voluntarily, but by compulsion ; and that a decent devil would never of his own free will enter into the body of a catchpole : instead, therefore, of domg him the injustice to say that here was a catchpole be-devilled, ihrsy should say it was a devil be-catchpoled ; that being in rcality the truth. Wonder what has become of the old crier of tii& court, who used to make more noise in preserving silence than the audience did in breaking it ; if a man happened to drop bis cane, the old hero would sing out " Silence !" in a voica emulating the " wide-mouthed thunder." On inquiry, found be bad retired from business to enjoy otium cum dignitate, a% many a great man had done before. Strange that wise men, as they are thought, should toil through a whole existence, merely to enjoy a few moments of leisure at last ! Why don't tbey begin to be easy at first, and not purchase a moment's pleasure with an age of pain? — mem. posed some of the jockeys — eh ! CHAPTER IV. Babbeb's pole! three different orders of shavers in ISi^^w York : those who shave pigs — N.B. freshmen and sopho- mores ; those who cut beards ; and those who shave ■■n-Af.. /)/ hand; the last are the most respectable, bec&np<;., in tko course of a year, tbey make more money, and tlAit honestly^ than the whole corps of other shavers csui do in half a cen- tury; besides, it would puzzle a r 'muio i barber to ruin any man, except by cutting his throat ; whereas your higher order of shavers, your true blood-suckers of the community, seated snugly behind the curtain, in watch for prey, live upon the vitals of the unfortunate, and grow rich on the ruin of thou- sands. Yet this last class of barbers are held in high respect in the world ; they never offend against the decencies of life, L 2 i 1 f' mm m »i>i.''i 148 THE STBAMOER AT HOME; OB, go often to church, look down on honest poverty, walking on foot, and call themselves gentlemen ; yea, men of honour ! Lottery-offices — another set of capital shavers ! licensed gamblitig-houses ! good things enough though, as they enable a few honest industrious gentlemen to humbug the people- according to law ; besides, if the people will be such fools, whose fault is it but their own if they get bit ? Messrs. Pa£f — beg pardon for putting them in such bad company,, because they are a couple of fine fellows — mem. to recommend Michael's nntiquo snuff-box to all amateurs in the art. Eagle singing Yankee-doodle — N.B. Buffon, Pennant, and the rest of the naturalists all naturals, not to know the eagle was a singing-bird ; Linkum Fidelius know better, and gives a long description of a bald eagle that serenaded him once in Canada : —digression ; particular account of the Canadian Indians ; — story about Areskou learning to make fishing nets of a spider —don't believe it though, because, according to Linkum, and many other learned authorities, Areskou is the same oaMars; being derived from his Greek name of Ares ; and if so, he knew well enough what a net was without consulting a spider: story of Arachne being changed into a spider as a reward for having hanged herself ; derivation of tne word spinster from spider : — Colophon, now Altobosco, the birthplace of Arachne» remarkable for a famous *breed of spiders to this day ; — mem, nothing like a little scholarship — make the ignoramuses, viz. the m(\jority of my readers, stare like wild pigeons ; return to New York by a short cut — meet a dashing belle, in a thick white veil —tried to get a peep at her face ; saw she squinted a little — thought so at first ; never saw a face covered with a veil that was worth looking at : saw some ladies holding a con* versation across the street about going to church next Sunday — talked so loud they frightened a cartman's horse, who ran away, and overset a basket of gingerbread with a little boy under it; — mem. I don't much see the use of speaking- trumpets now-a-days CHAPTER V. BouaiiT a pair of gloves ; dry-good stores the genuine schools of politeness — true Parisian manners there; got a pair of gloves and a pistareen's worth of bows for a dollar — dog cheap I Courtlundt Street corner — famous place to see the belles go by : quere, ever been shopping with a lady ? Some account A TOUB IK BBOAOWAT. 149 of it. Ladies go into all the shops in the city to buj a pair of gloves : good way of spending time if they have nothing else to do. Oswego Market — looks very much like a triumphal arch : some account of the manner of erecting them in ancient times. Digression to the arcA-Duke Charles, and some ac- count of the ancient Germans. N.B. Quote Tccitus on this subject. Particular description of market-baskets, butchers' blocks, and wheelbarrows : mem. queer things run upon one wheel ! Saw a cartman driving full-tilt through Broadway — run over a child ; good enough for it — what business had it to be in the way ? Hint concerning the laws against pigs, goats, dogs, and cartmen ; grand apostrophe to the sublime science of jurisprudence. Comparison between legislators and tinkers : quere, whether it requires greater ability to mend a law than to mend a ketde ? Inquiry into the utility of making laws that are broken a hundred times a day with impunity ; my Lord Coke's opinion on the subject ; my lord a very great man — BO was Lord Bacon: good story about a criminal named Hog claiming relationship with him. Hogg's porter-house — great haunt of Will Wizard. Will put down there one night by a sea-captain, in an argument concerning the area of the Chinese empire Whangpo. Hogg's a capital place for hearing the ■ame stories, the same jokes, and the same songs, every night in the year — mem. except Sunday nights : fine school for young politicians too ; some of the longest and thickest heads in the city come there to settle the affairs of the nation. Scheme of Ichabod Fungus to restore the balance of Europe. Digression : some account of the balance of Europe ; compari- son between it and a pair of scales, with the Emperor Alex- ander in one, and the Emperor Napoleon in the other : fine fellows — both of a weight ; ':an't tell which will kick the beam : mem. don't care much either — nothing to me. Icha- bod very unhappy about it ; thinks Napoleon has an eye on this country : capital place to pasture his horses, and provide for the rest of his family. Dey Street ; ancient Dutch name for it, signifying murderer's valley, formerly the site of a great peach-orchard : my grandmother's history of the famous Peach war ; arose from an Indian stealing peaches out of this orchard — good cause as need be for a war ; just as good as the balance of power. Anecdote of a war between two Italian states about a bucket ; introduce some capital truisms about the folly of mankind, the ambition of kings, potentates, and princes— :iy h 160 POEX BT PnrDAB COCKLOFT. particularly Alexander, Csesar, Charles XII., Napoleon, litde King Pepin, and the great Charlemagne. Conclude with an exhortation to the present race of sovereigns to keep the king's peace, and abstain from all those deadly quarrels which pro- duce battle, murder, and sudden death : mem. ran my noM against a lamp-post — conclude in great dudgeon. FBOM MT ELBOW-CHAIR. Our cousin Pindar, after having been confined for some time past with a fit of the gout, which is a kind of keepsake in our family, has again set his mill a-going, as my readers will perceive. On reading his piece, I could not help smiling at the high compliments which, contrary to his usual style, he has lavished on the dear sex. The old gentleman, unfortu- nately observing my merriment, stumped out of the room with great vociferation of crutch, and has not exchanged three words with me since. I expect every hour to hear that he has packed up his moveables, and, as usual in all cases of dis> gust, retreated to his old country-house. Pindar, like most of the old Cockloft heroes, is wonderfully susceptible to the genial influence of warm weather. In win- ter he is one of the most crusty old bachelors under heaven^ and is wickedly addicted to sarcastic reflections of every kind, particularly on the little enchanting foibles and whim-whams of women. But when the spring comes on, and the mild in- fluence of the sun releases nature from her icy fetters, the ice cf his bosom dissolves into a gentle current, which reflects the bewitching qualities of the fair ; as in some mild, clear even- ing, when nature reposes in silence, the stream bears in its pure bosom all the starry magnificence of heaven. It is under the control of this influence he has written his piece ; and I beg the ladies, in the plenitude of their harmless conceit, not to flatter themselves that because the good Pindar has suffered them to escape his censures, he had nothing more to censure. It is but sunshine and zephyrs which have wrought this won- derful change ; and I am much ^listaken if the first north- easter don't convert all his good-nature into most exquisite i^leen. FROM THE MILL OF FIKDAB COCKLOFT, ESQ. How often I cast my reflections behind, And call up the days of past youth to my mindl FOEK BT PIKDA& COCKLOFT. 151 When folly assails in habiliments new, When fashion obtrudes some fresh whim-wham to view ; When the foplings of fashion bedazzle my sight, Bewilder my feelings — my senses benight ; I retreat in disgust from the world of to-day, To commune with the world that has moulder'd away ; To converse with the shades of those friends of my love* Long gather'd in peace to the angels above. In my rambles through life, should I meet with annoy From the bold beardless stripling — the turbid pert boy ; One rear'd in the mode lately reckon'd genteel, Which, neglecting the head, aims to perfect the heel ; Which completes the sweet fopling while yet in his teeus. And fits him for fashion's light changeable scenes ; Proclaims him a man to the near and the far, Can he dance a cotillon or Ci^oke a cigar; And though brainless and vapid as vapid can be, To routs and to parties pronounces him free : — Oh ! I think on the beaux that existed of yore, On those rules of the ton that exist now no more ! I recall with delight how each younker at first In the cradle of science and virtue was nursed ; How the graces of person and graces of mind, The polish of learning and fashion combined. Till soften 'd in manners and strengthened in head* By the classical lore of the living and deud. Matured in his person till manly in size. He then was presented a beau to our eyes ! My nieces of late have made frequent complaint That they suffer vexation and painful constraint. By having their circles too often distrest By some three or four goslings just fledged from the DMt Who, propp'd by the credit their fathers sustain. Alike tender in years, and in person, and brain, But plenteously stock'd with that substitute, braaa, For true wits and critics would anxiously paas. They complain of that empty sarcastical slang, So common to all the coxcombical gang. Who the fair with their shallow experienoe vaz. By thrumming for ever their weakness of mi; — iM 153 FOBM BT PIKDAB COCKLOFT. And who boast of themselves, when they talk with proud air, Of man's mental ascendancy over the fair. Twas thus the young owlet produced in the nest Where the eagle of Jove her young eaglets had press'd, Pretended to boast of his royal descent, And vaunted that force which to eagles is lent. Though fated to shun with his dim visual ray The cheering delights and the brilliance of day, To forcike the fair regions of ether and light, For dull moping caverns of darkness and night : Still talked of tbat eagle-like strength of the eye, Which approaches, unwinking, the pride of the sky; Of that wing which, unwearied, can hover and play In the uoon-tide effulgence and torrent of day. Dear girls, the sad evils of which ye complain. Your sex murt endure from the feeble and vain. Tis the common-place jest of the nursery scape-goat : Tis the common-place ballad that croaks from his throat He knows not that nature — that polish, decrees. That women should always endeavour to please ; That the law of their system has early impress'd The importance of fitting themselves to each guest ; And, ui course, that full oft when ye trifle and play, Tis to gratify triflers who strut in your way. The child might as well of its mother complain. As wanting true wisdom and soundness of brain. Because that, at times, while it hangs on her breast, She with " lulla-by-baby " beguiles it to rest. Tis its weakness of mind that induces the strain ; For wisdom to infants is prattled in vain. Tis true, at odd times, when in frolicksome fit. In the midst of his gambols, the mischievous wit May start some light foible that clings to the fair, Like cobwebs that fasten to objects most rare ; In the play of his fancy will sportively say Some delicate censure that pops in his way : He may smile at your fashions, and frankly express His dislike of a diance, or a flaming red dress ; Yet he blames not your want of man's physical force, Nor complains though ye cannot in Latin discourse. PLAKS rOB DEFENDINO OUS HABBOUB. 158 He delights in the language of nature ye speak, Though not so refined as true classical Greek. He remerobers that Providence never design'd Our females, like suns, to bewilder and blind ; But like the mild orb of pale evening serene. Whose radius illumines, yet softens the scene. To light us with cheering and welcoming ray Along the rude path when the sun is away. I own in ^j cribblings I lately have named Some faults of our fair which I gently have blamed ; But be it for ever by all understood. My censures were only pronounced for their good. I delight in the sex — 'tis the pride of my mind To consider them gentle, endearing, refined; As our solace below in the journey of life. To smooth its rough passes, to soften its strife; As objects intended our joys to supply, And to lead us in love to the temples on high. How oft have I felt, when two lucid blue eyes, As calm and as bright as the gems of the sides, Have beamed their soft radiance into my soul, Impress'd with an awe like an angels control! Yes, fair ones, by this is for ever defined The fop from the man of refinement and mind : The latter believes ye in bounty were given As a bond upon earth of our union with heaven ; And if ye are weak, and are frail, in his view, Tis to call forth fresh warmth, and his fondness renew. Tis his joy to support theso defects of your frame. And his love at your weakness redoubles its llame : He rejoices the gem is so rich and so fair. And is proud that it claims his protection and care. No. XIII.— FRIDAY, AUGUST U, 1807. FBOiJ MT ELBOW-CBAIB. I WAS not a little perplexed, a short time since, by the eccen- tric conduct of my knowing coach utor, Will Wizard. For two or three davs he was completely in a quandary. He would oome into old Cockloft's parlour ten times a day, swinging hi* im\ ^ 164 PLANS FOB DEFKRDnra ponderous legs along with his usual vast strides, clap his bands into his sides, contemplate the little shepherdesses on the mantelpiece for a few minutes, whistling all the while, and then sally out full sweep without uttering a word. To he sure, a pish or a pshaw occasionally escaped him ; and he was observed once to pull out his enormous tobacco-box, drum for a moment upon its lid with his knuckles, and then return it into his pocket without taking a quid. Twas evident Will was full of some mighty idea— not that his restlessness was any way uncommon ; for I have often seen Will throw him- self almost into a fever of heat and fatigue — doing nothing. But his inflexible taciturnity set the whole family, as usual, a-wondering, as Will seldom enters the house without giving one of his " one-thousand-and-one " stories. For my part, I began to think that the late fracas at Canton had alarmed Will for the safety of his friends Einglun, Ghinqua, and Con- sequa — or that something had gone wrong in the alterations of the theatre — or that some new outrage at Norfolk had put him in a worry; — in short, I did not know what to think ; for Will is such a universal busybody, and meddles so much in everything going forward, that you might as well attempt to conjecture what is going on in me north star as in his pre cious pericranium. Even Mrs. Cockloft, who, like a worthy woman as she is, seldom troubles herself about anything in this world saving the affairs of her household, and the correct deportment of her female friends, was struck with the mys- tery of Will's behaviour. She happened, when he came in and went out the tenth time, to be busy darning the bottom of one of the old red damask chairs; and notwithstanding this is to her an affair of vast importance, yet she could not help turning round and exclaiming, " I wonder what can be the matter with Mr. Wizard ! " " Nothmg," replied old Christopher, " only we shall have an eruption soon." The old lady did not understand a word of this, neither did she care : she had expressed her wonder ; and that, with her, is always sufficient. I am so well acquainted with Will's peculiarities, that I can tell, even by his whistle, when he is about an essay for our paper, as certainly as a weather wiseacre knows that it is going to rain when he sees a pig run squeaking about with Bis nose in the wind. I therefore laid my account with re* •tiving a communication from him before long; and rare OUR HARBOUR. 155 m enough, the evening before last I distinguished his free- mason knock at my door. I have seen many wise men in my time, philosophers, mathematicians, astronomers, poli- ticians, editors, and almanac-makers — but never did I see a man look half as wise as did my friend Wizard on entering the room. Had Lavater beheld him at that moment, hie would have set him down to a certainty as a fellow who had just discovered the longitude, or the philosopher's stone. Without saying a word, he handed me a roll of paper: after which he lighted his cigar, sat down, crossed his legs, folded his arms, and elevating his nose to an angle of about for^ five degrees, began to smoke like a steam-engine. Will delights in the picturesque. On opening his budget, and perceiving the motto, it struck me that WUl had brought me one of his confounded Chinese manuscripts, and I was forth- with going to dismiss it with indignation ; but accidentally seeing the name of our oracle, the sage Linknm, of whose inestimable folios we pride ourselves upon being the sole pos- sessors, I began to tmnk the better of it, and looked roand at Will to express my approbation. I shall never forget the figure he cut at that moment ! He had watched my counte- nance on opening the manuscript, with the Argus eyes of an author ; and perceiving some tokens of disapprobation, began, according to custom, to puff away at his cigar with such viffour, that in a few minutes he had entirely involved him- self in smoke, except his nose and one foot, which were just visible, the latter wagging with great velocity. I believe I have hinted before— at least, I ought to have done so— that Will's nose is a very goodly nose ; to which it may be as well to add, that in his voyages under the tropics it had acquired a copper complexion, ^ioh renders it very brilliant and lu- minous. You may imagine what a sumptuous appearance it made, projecting boldly, like the celebrated promontorium fuuidium at Samoa, with a lighthouse upon it, and snr- Tounded on all sides with smoke and vapour. Had my grar vity been like the Chinese philosopher's, " within one degree of absolute frigidity," here would have been a trial for it I could not stand it, but burst into such a laugh as I do not indulge in above once in a hundred yean. This was too much for Will ; he emerged from his oloud, threw his oiger into the fire-place, and strode out of the room, pulling up hie breechee, muttering something whieh, I TerUy believe, i!i M*^1 156 PLANS FOB DEFENDINa nothing more nor less than a horribly long Chinese male* diction. He, however, left his manuscript behind him, which I now give to the world. Whether he is serious on the occasion, or only bantering, no one, I believe, can tell : for, whether in speaking or writing, there is such an invincible gravity in his demeanour and style, that even I, who have studied him as closely as an antiquarian studies an old manuscript or in- scription, am frequently at a loss to know what the rogue would be at. I have seen him indulge in his favourite amuse- ment of quizzing for hours together, without any one having the least suspicion of the matter, until he would suddenly twist his phiz into an expression that baffles all description, thrust his tongue in his cheek, and blow up into a laugh almost as loud as the shout of the Romans on a certain occa- sion, which honest Plutarch avers frightened several crows to such a degree, that they fell down stone dead into the Campus Martius. Jeremy Cockloft the younger, who, like a true modem philosopher, delights in experiments that are of no kind of use, took the trouble to measure one of Will's risible explosions, and declared to me that, according to accurate measurement, it contained thirty feet square of solid laughter. What will the professors say to this ? PLANS FOR DEFENDING OUR HARBOUR BT WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. Long-fbng teko buzx tor-pe-do. Fudge — OoHiuonrs. We'll blow the villaini all aky-high ; But do it with econo — my. Lihk. Fid. Surely never was a town more subject to midsummer fiancies and dog-day whim-whams than this most excellent of cities. Our notions, like our diseases, seem all epidemic; and no sooner does a new disorder or a new freak seize one individual, but it is sure to run through all the community. This is par- ticularly the case when the summer is at the hottest, and everybody's head is in a vertigo, and his brain in a ferment ; 'tis absolutely necessary, then, the poor souls should have some bubble to amuse themselves with, or they would cer- tainly run mad. Last year the poplar- worm made its ap- pearance, most fortunately for our citizens ; and everybody was so much in horror of being poisoned and devoured, and so busie that we had the there wi Thissui fortifical city but outright forts an Mustapl this coui Amon conspicu by that i Anxio that hav( diaries h and ann( our porl society h yclept a even a J decompo magazim water-ral picious s This I folly; fo injuring vided th« It was old brig deliverec River S( secundun all the g( invited t< who requ see him As I Walter geniously OUR HARBOUB. 157 80 busied in making humane experiments on cats and dogs, that we got through the summer quite comfortably : the cats had the worst of it — every mouser of them was shaved, and there was not a whisker to be seen in the whole sisterhood. This summer everybody has had full employment in planning fortifications for our harbour. Not a cobbler or tailor in the city but has left his awl ^nd his thimble, become an engineer outright, and aspired most magnanimously to the building of forts and destruction of navies. Heavens ! as my friend Mustapha would say, on what a great scale is everything in this country! Among the various plans that have been offered, the most conspicuous is one devised and exhibited, as I am informed, by that notable confederacy, the North Biver Society. Anxious to redeem their reputation from the foul suspicions that have for a long time overclouded it, these aquatic incen- diaries have come forward, at the present alarming juncture, and announced a most potent discovery, which is to guarantee our port from the visits of any foreign marauders. The society have, it seems, invented a cunning machine, shrewdly yclept a torpedo ; by which the stoutest line-of-battle ship, even a Santissima Trinidada, may be caught napping, and decomposed in a twinkling; a kind of submarine powder magazine to swim under water, like an aquatic mole or water-rat, and destroy the enemy in the moments of unsus- picious security. This straw tickled the noses of all our dignitaries wonder- fully ; for to do our government justice, it has no objection to injuring and exterminating its enemies in any manner — pro- vided the thing can be done economically. It was determined the experiment should be tried ; and an old brig was purchased, for not more than twice its value, and delivered over into the hands of its tormentors, the North Biver Society, to be tortured, and battered, and annihilated, secundum artem. A day was appointed for the occasion, when all the good citizens of the wonder-loving city of Gotham were invited to the blowing-up ; like the fat innkeeper in Babelais, who requested all his customers to come on a certain day and see him burst. As I have almost as great a veneration as the good Mr. Walter Shandy for all kinds of experiments that are in- geniously ridiculous, I made very particular mention of the Ml 188 FLANS FOB DEFANDDia one in qaestion at the table of my friend Ghristopher Cock- loft : but it put the honest old gendemau in a violent passion. He condemned it in toto, as an attempt to introduce a das- tardly and exterminating mode of warfare. " Already have we proceeded fieu: enough," said he, "in the science of destruction: war is already invested with sufficient horrors and calamities ; let us not increase the catalogue : let us not, by these deadly artifices, provoke a system of insidious and indiscriminate hostility, tiiat shall terminate in laying our cities desolate, and exposing our women, our children, and our infirm, to the sword of pitiless recrimination." Honest old cavalier! — it was evident he did not reason as a true politician ; but he felt as a Christian and philanthropist ; and that was, perhaps, just as well. It may be readily supposed that our citizens did not refuse the invitation of the society to the blow-up ; it was the first naval action ever exhibited in our port, and the good people all crowded to see the British navy blown up in effigy. The young ladies were delighted with the novelty of the show, and declared that if war could be conducted in this manner, it would become a fashionable amusement, and the destruction of a fleet be as pleasant as a ball or a tea-party. The old folk were equally pleased with the spectacle— because it cost them nothing. Dear souls, how hard was it they should be disap- pointed! The brig most obstinately refused to be decom- posed; — the dinners grew cold, and the puddings were overboiled, throughout the renowned city of Gotham ; and its Bcipient inhabitants, like the honest Strasburghers, from whom most of them are doubtless descended, who went out to see the courteous stranger and his nose, all returned home, after having threatened to pull down the flag-staff by way of taking satisfaction for their disappointment. By the way, there is not an animal in the world more discriminating in its ven- geance than a free-born mob. In the evening I repaired to friend Hogg's, to smoke a sociable cigar, but had scarcely entered the room, when I was taken prisoner by my friend, Mr. Ichabod Fungus, who I soon saw was at his usual trade of prying into millstones. The old gentleman informed me that the brig had actually blown up, after a world of manoeuvring, and had nearly blown up the Society with it ; he seemed to entertain strong doubts as to the objects of the Society in the invention of these infernal machi on fin these view > fence ; observi to and compla fair wii mustn' blown \ of a lu of my 1 exclaim den ver Thei did not effect ce j»Jct; or if the n to then the " But dl be rathei ment?- Uown u| "got an] done witf and bio] thought certaintjf destroy around salvatioi had no Grossitol made wa fited th« by sneea have oc OUB HARBOOR. 109 machines — hinted a suspicion of their wishing to set the river on fire, and that he should not be surprised on waking ono of these mornings to find the Hudson in a blaze. " Not that I disapprove of the plan," said he, "provided it has the end in view which they profess; no, no, an excellent plan of de- fence ; — no need of batteries, forts, frigates, and gun-boats : observe, sir, all that 's necessary is, that the ships must come to anchor in a convenient place ; watch must be asleep, or so complacent as not to disturb any boats paddling about them — fair wind and tide— no moonlight — machines well directed — mustn't flash in the pan — bang 's the word, and the vessel 's blown up in a moment ! " — " Good," said I, " you remind me of a lubberly Chinese, who was flogged by an honest captain of my acquaintance, and who, on being advised to retaliate, exclaimed — ' Hi yah ! spose two men hold fast him captain, den very mush me bamboo he ! '" The old gentleman grew a little crusty, and insisted that I did not understand him; — all that was requisite to render the efiect certain was that the enemy should enter into the pro- jt3ct ; or, in other words, be agreeable to the measure ; so that if the machine did not come to the ship, the ship should go to the machine ; by which means he thought the success of the machine would be inevitable — provided it struck fire. *• But do you not think," said I, doubtingly, " that it would be rather difficult to persuade the enemy into such an agree- ment? — some people have an invincible antipathy to being blown up." — " Not at all, not at all," replied he, triumphantly; " got an excellent notion for that;— do with them as we have done with the brig; buy all the vessels we mean to destroy, and blow them up as best suits our convenience. I have thought deeply on that subject, and have calculated to a certainty that, if our funds hold out, we may in this way destroy the whole British navy — by contract." By this time all the quidnuncs of the room had gathered around us, each pregnant with some mighty scheme for the salvation of his country. One pathetically lamented that we had no such men among us as the famous Toujoursdort and Grossitout, who, when the celebrated Captain Tranchemont made war against the city of Ealacahabalaba, utterly discom- fited the great King Bigstafi; and blew up his whole army by sneezing. Another imparted a sage idea, which seems to have occupied more heads than one; that is, that the best 160 PLANS FOB DEFENDINO way of fortifying the harbour was to ruin it at once ; choke the channel with rocks and blocks ; strew it with chevaux de fritet and torpedoes, and make it like a nursery-garden, full of men-traps and spring-guns. No vessel would then have the temerity to enter our harbour ; we should not even dare to navigate it ourselves. Or, if no cheaper way could be devised, let Governor's Island be raised by levers and pulleys, floated with empty casks, Ac, towed down to the Narrows, and dropped plump in the very mouth of the harbour! — "But," said I, "would not the prosecution of these whim- whams be rather expensive and dilatory ?" — " Pshaw ! " cried the other — " what 's a million of money to an experiment ? the true spirit of our economy requires that we should spare no expense in discovering the cheapest mode of defending ourselves ; and then, if all these modes should fail, why you know the worst we have to do is to return to the old-fashioned humdrum mode of forts and batteries." — "By which time," cried I, " the arrival of the enemy may have rendered their erection superfluous." A shrewd old gentleman, who stood listening by with a mischievously equivocal look, observed that the most eflectual mode of repulsing a fleet from our ports would be to adminis- ter them a proclamation from time to time, till it operated. Unwilling to leave the company without demonstrating my patriotism and ingenuity, I communicated a plan of defence ; which in truth was suggested long since by that infallible oracle Mustapha, who had as clear a head for cobweb-weaving as ever dignified the shoulders of a projector. He thought the most effectual mode would be to assemble all the slang- whangers, great and small, from all parts of the state, and marshal them at the battery, where tney should be exposed point-blank to the enemy, and form a tremendous body of scolding infantry, similar to the noissards, or doughty cham- pions of Billingsgate. They should be exhorted to fire away, without pity or remorse, in sheets, half-sheets, columns, hand- bills, or squibs ; great canon, little canon, pica, German-text, stereotype, and to run their enemies through with sharp- pointed italics. They should have orders to show no quarter — to blaze away in their loudest epithets — "Miscreants!'* "Murderers!" '* Barbarians!" *' Pirates!" '* Robbers!" " Blackguards ! " and, to do away all fear of consequences, they should be guaranteed from. all dangers of pillory, kicking. cuffing If, coi >uliant used t( the ma their b the pla fleet, h slang-w of hear they wi] with as into the your wai no more down a 1 Thes delightec that moi of throv, which W( powder i He concl a tew ev with a s resolutioi other cor the mids and he \ than fire- These efficacy < Every boc eye flashi] pied by . but has sj proved tc water ! Even, annoyancJ retired tc OCR HABBOUR. ICl ciiffing, nose-pulling, whipping-post, or prosecution for libels. If, continued Mustapha, you wish men to fjght well and >'aliantly, they must be allowed those weapons they have been used to handle. Your countrymen are notoriously adroit in the management of the tongue and the pen, and coudiii*' Hi their battles by speeches or newspapers. Adopt, therelore, the plan I have pointed out ; and rely upon it, that let any fleet, however large, be but once assailed by this battery of slang-whangers, and if they have not entirely lost their sense of hearing, or a regard for their own characters and feelings, they will, at the very first fire, slip their tables, and retreat with as much precipitation as if they had unwarily entered into the atmosphere of the Bohan upas. In this manner may your wars be conducted with proper economy ; and it will cost no more to drive off a fleet than to write up a party, or write down a bashaw of three tails. The sly old gentleman I have before mentioned was highly delighted with this plan ; and proposed, as an improvement, that mortars should be placed on the battery, which, instead of throwing shells and such trifles, might be charged with newspapers, Tammany addresses, &c., by way of red-hot shot, which would undoubtedly be very potent in blowing up any powder magazine they might chance to come in contact with. He concluded by informing the company that in the course of a few evenings he would have the honour to present them with a scheme for loading certain vessels with newspapers; resolutions of "numerous and respectable meetings," and other combustibles, which vessels were to be blown directly in the midst of the enemy by the bellows of the slang-whangers : and he was much mistaken if they would not be more fatal than fire-ships, bomb-ketches, gun-boats, or even torpedoes. These are but two or three specimens of the nature and efificacy of the innumerable plans with which this city abounds. Everybody seems charged to the muzzle with gunpowder, every eye flashes fire-works and torpedoes, and every corner is occu- pied by knots of inflammatory projectors ; not one of whom but has some preposterous mode of destruction, which he has proved to be infallible by a previous experiment in a tub of water ! Even Jeremy Cockloft has caught the infection, to the great annoyance of the inhabitants of Cockloft Hall, whither he had retired to make his experiments undisturbed. At one time i id' it |y m i 1«3 A betbospect; or, all the mirrora in the house were unhung — theii* collected rays thrown into the hot-house, to try Archimedes' plan of burning-glasses; and the honest old gardener was almost knocked down by what he mistook for a stroke of the sun, but which turned out to be nothing more than a sudden attack of one of these tremendous jack-o'-lanterns. It became danger- ous to walk through the court-yard for fear of an explosion ; and the whole family was thrown into absolute distress and consternation by a letter from the old housekeeper to Mrs. Ccckloft, informing her of his having blown up a fiivourite Chinese gaiuler, which I had brought from Canton, as he was majesticnily sailing la the duck-pond. " In the multitude of counsellors there is safety ;" if so, the defenceless city of Gotham has nothing to apprehend ; but much do I fear that so many excellent and infallible projects will be presented, that we uhall be at a loss which to adopt, and the peaceable inhabitants fare like a famous projector of my acquaintance, whose house was unfortunately plundered while he was contriving a patent lock to secure his door. A RETROSPECT; OR, "WHAT YOU WILL." FBOM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. LoLLTNO in my elbow-chair this fme summer noon, I feel my- self insensibly yielding to that genial feeling of indolence the secson is so well fitted to inspire. Every one who is blessed with a little of the delicious languor of disposition that delights in repose, must often have sported among the faery scenes, the golden visions, the voluptuous reveries, that swim before the imn^i^inntion at stich moments, and which so much resemble those blissful sensations a Mussulman enjoys after his favourite indulgence of opium, which Will Wizard declares can be com- pared to nothing b'H " swimming in an ocean of peacocks' feathers." In such a mood, everybody must be sensible it would be idle and unprofitable for a man to send his wits a gadding on a voyage of discovery into futurity ; or even to trouble himself with a laborious investigation of what is actu- ally passing under his eye. We are, at such times, more dis- posed to resort to the pleasures of memory than to those of the imagination ; and, like the wayfaring traveller, reclining for a moment on his ^taff, had rather contemplate the ground wo 'lave travelled than the region which is yet before us. I could here amuBe myself and stultify my readers with a • In BBBber. WHAT Tqp WUX. 108 leeied Ian of almost 111, but Lack of ianger- [onion ; S9 and o Mrs. vourite he vas [ 80, the id ; but projects adopt, jector of undered •or. feel my- lence the blessed 1 deligbts •y scenes, m before resemble I favourite 1 be com- peacocks' lensible it his wits a or even to lat is actu- , more dis- lose of the ining for a round wo us. (lers with a most elaborate and ingeiiioua parallel between aulhora and travellers ; but in this balmy season, which makes men Htupid and dogs mad, and when doubtless many of our most strenu- ous admirers have great difficulty in keeping awake through the day, it would be cruel to saddle them with the formidable difficulty of putting two ideas together and drawing a conclu- sion ; or, in the learned phrase, forging syllogisms in Baroco: — a terrible undertaking for the dog-days ! To say the truth, my observations were only intended to prove that this, of all others, is the most auspicious moment, and my present the most favourable mood, for indulging in a retrospect. Whether, like certain great personages of the day, in attempting to prove one thing I have exposed another, or whether, like certain other great personages, in attempting to prove a great deal, I have proved nothing at all, I leave to my readers to decide, provided they have the power and inclination so to do ; but a BETROSPECT wiU I take notwithstanding. I am perfectly aware that in doing this I shall lay myself open to the charge of imitation, than which a man might be better accused of downright housebreaking ; for it has been a standing rule with many of my illustrious predecessors, occa- sionally, and particularly at the conclusion of a volume, to look over their shoulder and chuckle at the miracles they had achieved. But, as I before professed, I am determined to hold myself entirely independent of all manner of opinions and criticisms, as the only method of getting on in this world in anything like a straight line. True it is, I may sometimes seem to angle a little for the good opinion of mankind, by giv- ing them some ex'^cllent reasons ^or doing unreasonable things; but this is merely to show them, tliat although I may occa- sionally go wrong, it is not for want of knowing how to go right ; and here I will lay down a maxim, which will for ever entitle me to the gratitude of my inexperienced readers, namely, that a man always gets more credit in the eyes of this naughty world for sinning wilfully, than for sinning through sheer ignorance. It will doubtless be insisted by many ingenious cavillers, who will be meddling with what does not at all concern them, tliat this retrospect should have been taken at the commence- ment of uur second volume *', it is usual, I know : moreover, * In the original edition the fint toIbiiw ttnniiialM with the tenth avBiber.— £rftl. If 3 m if •It i: I 164 A retrospect; or, it is natural. So soon as a writer has once accomplished a volume, he forthwith becomes wonderfully increased in alti- tude ! He steps upon his book as upon a pedestal, and is elevated in proportion to its magnitude. A duodecimo makes him one inch taller ; an octavo, three inches ; a quarto, six : — but he who has made out to swell a folio, looks down upon his fellow-creatures from such a fearful height that, ten to one, the f)oor man's head is turned for ever afterwards. From such a ofty situation, therefore, it is natural an author should cast his eyes behind; and, having reached the first landing-place on the titiiirs of immortality, may reasonably be allowed to plead liis privilege to look back over the height ho has ascended. I have deviated a little from this venerable custom, merely that our retrospect might fall in the dog-days — of all the days in the year most congenial to the indulgence of a little self-suffi- ciency ; inasmuch as people have then little to do but to retire wiihin the sphere of self, and make the most of what they find there. Let it not be supposed, however, that we think ourselves a whit the wiser or better since we have finished our volume than wo were before ; on the contrary, we seriously assure our readers that we were fully possessed of all the wisdom and morality it contains at the moment we commenced writing. It is the world which has grown wiser — not us ; we have thrown our mite into the common stock of knowledge ; we have shared our morsel with the ignorant multitude ; and so far from ele- vating ourselves above the world, our sole endeavour has been to raise the world to our own level, and make it as wise as wo its disinterested benefactors. To a moral writer like myself, who, next to his own comfort ond entertainment, has the good of his fellow-citi/ens at heart, a retrospect is but a sorry amusement. Like the industrious husbandman, he often contemplates in silent disappointment his labours wasted on a barren soil, or the seud he has care- fully sown choked by a redundancy of worthless weeds. I expected long ere this to have seen a complete reformation in manners and morals, achieved by our united efforts. My fancy echoed to the applauding voices of a retrieved genera- tion : — 1 anticipated, with proud satisfaction, the period, not far distant, when our work would be introduced into the aca- demies with which every lane and alley of our cities abounds —when our precepts would be gently inducted into every un- lucky gnomj Noah sor, tl But. w expecti distant but in ] the mai less fab all our people ( aud ill-E dancing informs i gunpowd charactei that hav( The la and delij however, them, as this beinj the Stradi ticularly ( supped In when thei hatch of ^ course of families . in the vei] our utraoj alarming l loss origiiJ vei-sation poison the ^ul plant il punster af marked sof watch for tunately phrase *su| •• WHAT YOD WILL." 165 My geuera- riod, not the aca- abounds very un- lucky urchin by force of birch — and my iron-bound physio- gnomy, as taken by Will Wizard, be as notorious as that of Noah Webster, jun., Esq., or his no less renowned predeces- sor, the illustrious Dilworth, of spelling-book immortality. But, well-a-day ! to let my readers into a profound secret, the expectations of man are like the varied hues that tinge the distant prospect — never to be realized — never to be enjoyed but in perspective. Luckless Launcelot, that the humblest of the many air castles thou hast erected should prove a " base- less fabric!" Much does it grieve me to confess, that after all our lectures, precepts, and excellent admonitions, the people of New York are nearly as much given to backsliding and ill-nature as ever ; they are just as much abandoned ta dancing and tea-drinking ; and as to scandal. Will Wizard informs me that, by a rough computation, since the last cargo of gunpowder-tea from Canton arrived, no less than eighteen characters have been blown up, besides a number of others that have been wofully shattered. The ladies still labour under the same scarcity of muslins, and delight in flesh-coloured silk stockings : it is evident, however, that our advice has had very considerable effect on them, as they endeavour to act as opposite to it as possible — this being what Evergreen calls female independence. As to the Straddles, they abound as much as ever in Broadway, par- ticularly on Sundays ; and Wizard roundly asserts that ho supped in company with a knot jf them a few evenings since, when they liquidated a whole Birrainghnm consignment in a batch of imperial champagne. I have, furthermore, in the course of a month past, detected no less than three Giblet families making their Hrst onset towards style and gentility, in the very manner we have heretofore reprobated. Nor have our utmost efforts been able to check the progress of that alarming epidemic, the rage for punning, which, though doubt- loss originally intended merely to ornament and enlivei. ^on- veraation by little sports of fancy, tiireatens to overrun ajid poison the whole, like the baneful ivy which destroys the use- ful plant it first embellished. Now I look upon an habitual punster as a depredator upon conversation ; and I have re- marked sometimes one of these offenders sitting silent on tho watch for an houf together, until some luckless wight, unfor- tunately for the ease and quiet of the company, dropped a phrase susceptible of u double meaning — when, pop our I .-• -«' 11 1 1 16G A betuospect; ob, punster would dart out like a veteran raooser from her covert, seize the unlucky word, and after wcnying and mumbling at it until it was capable of no further marring, relapse again into silent watchfulness, and lie in wait for another oppor- tunity. Even this might be borne with, by the aid of a little philosophy ; but the worst of it is, they are not content to manufacture puns and laugh heartily at them themselves, but they expect we should laugh with them — which I consider as an intolerable hardship, and a flagrant imposition on good- nature. Let these gentlemen fritter away conversation with impunit}', and deal out their wits in sixpenny bits, if they please, but I beg I may have the choice of refusing currency to their small change. I am seriously afraid, hdwever, that our junto is not quite free from the infection ; nay, that it has even approached so near as to menace the tranquillity of my elbow-chair ; for Will Wizard, as we were in caucus the other night, absolutely electrified Pindar and myself with a most palpable and perplexing pun — had it been a torpedo it could not have more discomposed the fraternity. Sentence of banish- ment was unanimously decreed; but on his confessing that, like many celebrated wits, he was merely retailing other men's wares on commission, he was for that once forgiven, on condi- tion of refraining from such diabolical practices in future. Pindar is particularly outrageous against punsters ; and quite astonished and put me to a nonplus a day or two since, by ask- ing abruptly " whether I thought a punster could be a good Christian?" He followed up his question triumphantly,, by offering to prove by sound logic and historical fact that the Komau empire owed its decline and fall to a pun, and that nothing tended so much to demoralize the I'rench nation as their abominable rage for jeiix de mots. But what, above everything else, has caused me much vexation of spirit, and displeased me most with this stiff- necked nation is, that in spite of all the serious and profound censures of the sage Mustaphn, in his various letters — they will talk .'--they will still wag their tonguos, and chatter like very slang-whangers ! This is a degree of obstinacy incom- prehensible in the extreme, and is another proof how alarm- ing is the force of habit, and how ililHcult it is to reduce beings accustomed to talk to that state of silence which is the very acme of human wisdom. We can only account for these disappointments, in our model so dee cules, able tc renert] degene cept ul from c( surprise despisci age, ani our firsi it do th( if our fi as of Jat is not fi will supe supplant noeuvre, ( ray heart become ai be to thei In fact raany peo }vithout p in every we wish which wel and the d| all other vided thai our objecf easier to reason, or indescribn iron, bras J writer whf moral real clearly d| Euclid, t)J bis pains. [ like Hanj WHAT TOU WILL. 167 moderate and reasonable expectations, by supposing the world so deeply sunk in the mire of delinquency, that not even Her- cules, were he to put his shoulder to the axle-tree, would be able to extricate it We comfort ourselves, however, by the rendition, that there are at least three good men left in this degenerate age, to benefit the world by example, should pre- cept ultimately fail. And borrowing, for once, an example from certain sleepy writers, who, af^r the first emotions of surprise at finding their invaluable eiTusions neglected or despised, console themselves with the idea that 'tis a stupid age, and look forward to posterity for redress, we bequeath our first volume to future generations — and much good may it do them. Heaven grant they may be able to read it ! for, if our fashionable mode of education continues to improve, as of late, I am under serious apprehensions that the period is not far distant when the discipline of the dancing-master will supersede that of the grammarian — crotchets and quavers supplant the alphabet — and the heels, by antipodean ma- noeuvre, obtain entire pre-eminence over the head. How does my heart yearn for poor dear posterity, when this work shall become as unintelligible to our grandchildren as it sec.iis to be to their grandfathers and grandmothers. In fact, for I love to be candid, we begin to suspect that many people read our numbers merely for their amusement, mthout paying any attention to the serious truths conveyed in every page. Unpardonable want of penetration ! not that we wish to restrict our readers in the article of laughing — which we consider as one of the dearest prerogatives of man, and the distinguishing characteristic which raises him above all other animals : let them laugh therefore if they will, pro- vided that they profit at the same time, and do not mistake our object. It is one of our indisputable facts, that it is easier to laugh ten follies out of countenance, than to coax, reason, or flog a man out of one. In this old, singular, and indescribable age. whicli is neither the ar[fc of gold, silver, iron, brass, chivalry, norjinW*, as Sir John Carr asserts, a grave writer who attempts to attack folly with llio heavy artillery of moral reasoning, will fare, like Smollett's honest pedant, who clearly demonstrated by angles, &c., after the matnier of Euclid, that it was wrong to do evil, and wns laughed at for his pains. Take my word for it. a littlo w(Ti-ui>plied ridicule, like Hannibal's application of vinegar to roclii^, with certain i W H y m 16S A betrosi'ect; ob, hard heads and obdurate hearts will do more than all tha logic or demonstrations in Longinus or Euclid. But the people of Gotham, wise souls ! are so much accustomed to see morality approach them clothed in formidable wigs and sable garbs, •' with leaden eye that loves, the ground," that they can never recognise her when, dressed in gay attire, she comes tripping towards them with smiles and sunshine in her countenance. Well, let the rogues remain in ignorance, for " ignorance is bliss," as tne poet says ; and I put as implicit faith in poetry as I do in the almanack or the newspaper. We will improve them ^^^thout their being the wiser for it, and they shall become better in spita of their teeth, and without their having the least suspicion of the reformation working within them. Among all our manifold grievances, however, still some small but vivid rays of sunshine occasionally brighten along our path, cheering our steps, and inviting us to persevere. The public have paid some little regard to a few articles of our advice — they have purchased our numbers freely; so much the better for our publisher — they have read them attentively; so much the better for themselves. The melan- choly fate of my dear aunt Charity has had a wonderful effect; and I have now before me a letter from a gentleman who lives opposite to a couple of old ladies, remarkable for the interest they took in his affairs : his apartments were absolutely in a state of blockade, and he was on the point of changing his lodgings, or capitulating, until the appearance of our ninth number, which he immediately sent over with his compli- ments—the good ladies took the hint, and have scarcely ap- peared at the window since. As to the wooden gentlemen our friend Miss Sparkle assures me they are wonderfully in* proved by our criticisms, and sometimes venture to make a remark, or attempt a pun in company, to the great edification of all who happen to understand them. As to red shawls, they arc entirely discarded from the fair shoulders of out ladies, ever since the last importation of finery : nor has any lady, since the cold weather, ventured to expose her elbowa to the admiring gaze of scrutinizing passengers. But there is one victory we have achieved, which has given us more pleasure than to have written down the whole administration: 1 am assured, from unquestionable authority, that our young ladies, doubtless in consequence of our weighty admonitions, have 1 whirli] True i by son was hi| presen Thei wrongs — for < have w plicatio accused our bos i wrested ness ! sitions : innocent bottom ( from th bachelor; neral bet over the I the wor a prour of iUibe With the we comn with the is still neither moments ency — w sometimf usually c of cheer! out a sho mentary light upo away by i such triuj of time ii nddition "WHAT TOU WILL. 169 have not once indulged in that intoxicating, inflammatory, and whirligig dance, the waltz, ever since hot weather commenced. True it is, I understand, an attempt was made to exhibit it, by some of the sable fair ones, at the last African ball, but it was highly disapproved of by all the respectable elderly ladies present. These are sweet sources of comfort, to atone for the many wrongs and misrepresentations heaped upon us by the world — for even we have experienced its ill-nature. How often have we heard ourselves reproached for the insidious ap- plications of the uncharitable! — how often have we been accused of emotions which never found an entrance into our bosoms I — how often have our sportive effusions been wrested to serve the purposes of particular enmity and bitter- ness ! Meddlesome spirits ! little do they know our dispo- sitions : we " lack gall " to wound the feelings of a single innocent individual — we can even forgive them from the very bottom of our souls ; may they meet as ready a forgiveness from their own consciences ! Like true and independent bachelors, having no domestic cares to interfere with our ge- neral benevolence, we consider it incumbent upon us to watch over the welfare of society ; and although we are indebted to the world for little else than left-handed favours, yet we feel a proud satisfaction in requiting evil with good, and the sneer of illiberal ity with the unfeigned smile of good humour. With these mingled motives of selfishness and philanthropy we commenced our work, and if we cannot solace ourselves with the consciousness of having done much good, yet there is still one pleasing consolation left, which the world can neither give nor take away. There are moments — lingering moments of listless indifference and heavy-hearted d-jpond- ency — when our best hopes and affections slipping, as they sometimes will, from their hold on those objects to which they usually cling for support, seem abandoned on the wide waste of cheerless existence, without a place to cast anchor — mth- out a shore in view to excite a single wish, or to give a mo- mentary interest to contemplation. We look back with de- light upon many of these moments of mental gloom, whiled away by the cheerful exercise of our pen, and consider every such triumph over the spleen as retarding the furrowing hand of time in its insidious encroachments on our brows. II', in addition to our own amusements, we have, as we jogged care- r^- w. I , .■■ i. II 170 TO BEADEBS AND COBBESFOMDENTS. lessly laughing along, brushed away one tear of dejection and called forth a smile in its place — if we have brightened the pale countenance of a single child of sorrow — we shall feel almost as much joy and rejoicing as a slang-whanger does when he bathes bis pen in the heart's*blood of a patron and benefactor, or sacrifices one more illustrious victim on the altar of party animosity. TO BEADEBS AND COBBESPONDENTS. It is our misfortune to be frequently pestered, in our pere- grinations about this learned city, by certain critical gad-flies, who buzz around, and merely attack the skin, without ever being able to penetrate the body. The reputation of our pro- mising protdge, Jeremy Cockloft the younger, has been as- sailed by these skin-deep critics; they have questioned his claims to originality, and even hinted that the ideas of his New Jersey Tour were borrowed from a late work, entitled "My Pocket Book." As there is no literary offence more despicable in the eyes of tlie trio than bon'owing, we imme- diately called Jeremy to an account ; when he proved, by the dedication of the work in question, that it was first published in London, in Maroh, 1807 — and that h's " Stranger in New Jersey " had made its apfpearance on the r ith of the preceding February. We were on the point of acquitting Jeremy with honour, on the ground that it was impossible, knowing as he is, to borrow from a foreign work one month before it was in exist- ence, when Will Wizard suddenly took up the cudgels for ihe critics, and insisted that nothing was more probable, for he recollected reading of an ingenious Dutch author, who plainly convicted the ancients of stealing from his labours ! — So much for criticism. We have received a host of friendly and admonitory letters from different quarters, and among the rest a very loving epistle from George Town, Columbia, signed Teddy M'Gundy, who addresses us by the name of Saul M'Gundy, an' .^nsistt, that we are descended from the same Irish progenitors, and nearly related. As friend Teddy seems to be an honest meny rogue, we are sorry thait we cannot admit his claims to kin- dred: we thank him, however, for his good- will, and should he ever be inclined to favour us with another epistle, we will hint to him, and at the same time to our other numerous cor- MUi respoi accept — "P No XiETTE Hac Bos) Healti of peac( rity she other is tend bu only ad( which r< In mido tender o to his CO between nion of night down m\ and my i In sue that I si own feel the singi cast. I to entert nent feat picture o I have racteristi love of t nothing to concei words, h petual m The g particula subject MUSTAPHA BUB-A-DUB KELI KHAK TO ASEM IIACCHEM. 171 respondenta, that their communications m\\ be infinitely more acceptable if they will just recollect Tom Shuffleton's advice — " Pay tiie post-boy, Muggins." No. XIV.— SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1807. Letter from Mdstapha Rdb-a-dud Keli Khan to Asem Haccheu, principal Slave-driver to His Highnest the Bashaw of Tripoli. Heauh and joy to the friend of my heart! — May the angel of peace erer watch over thy dwelling, and the star of prospe- rity shed its benignant lustre on all thy undertakings ! Far other is the lot of thy captive friend ! — his brightest hopes ex- tend but to a lengthened period of weary captivity, and memory only adds to the measure of his griefs, by holding up a mirror which reflects with redoubled charms the hours of past felicity. In midnight slumbers my soul holds sweet converse with the tender objects of its affections ; — it is then the exile is restored to his countiy ; it is then the wide waste of waters that rolls between us disappears, and I clasp to my bosom the compa- nion of my youth ! I awake, and find it but a vision of the night The si^ will rise — the tear of dejection will steal down my cheek : — I fly to my pen, and strive to forget myself and my sorrows, in conversing with my friend. In such a situation, my good Asem, it cannot be expected that I should be able so wholly to abstract myself from my own feelings, as to give thee a full and systematic account of the singular people among whom my disastrous lot has been cast. I can only find leisure from my o>vn individual sorrows, to entertain thee occasionally with some of the most promi- nent features of their character, and now and then a solitary picture of their most preposterous eccentricities. I have before observed that, among the distinguished cha- racteristics of the people of this logocracy, is their invincible love of talking; and that I could compare the nation to nothing but a mighty windmill. Thou art doubtless at a loss to conceive how this mill is supplied with grist ; or, in other words, how it is possible to furnish subjects to supply the per- petual motion of so many tongues. The genius of the nation appears in its highest lustre in this particular, in the discovery, or rather the application, of a subject which seems to supply an inexhaustible mine of words. m 17a HUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KEU KHAN It is nothing more, my friend, than politics ; a word which, I declare to thee, has perplexed me almost as much as the redoubtable one of economy. On ci^nsulting a dictionarj' of this language, I found it denoted tlie science of government; and the relations, situations, and dispositions of states and empires. Good, thought I ; for a people who boast of govern- ing themselves, there could not be a more important subject of investigation. I therefore listened attentively, expecting to hear from " the most enlightened people under the sun," for so they modestly term themselves, sublime disputations on the science of legislation, and precepts of political wisdom that vould not have disgraced our great prophet and legislator himself ; but alas, Asem ! how continually are my expecta- tions disappointed : how dignified a meaning does this word bear in the dictionary ; — how despicable its common applica- tion ! I find it extending to every contemptible discussion of local animosit}', and every petty altercation of insignificant individuals. It embraces alike all manner of concerns ; from the organization of a divan, the election of a bashaw, or the levying of an army, to the appointment of a constable, the personal disputes of two misei'able slang-whangers, the clean- ing of the streets, or the economy of a dirt-cart. A couple of politicians will quarrel, with the most vociferous pertinacity, about the character of a bum-bailiff whom nobody cares for ; or the deportment of a little great man whom nobody knows — and this is called talking politics : nay, . t is but a few days since, that I was annoyed by a debate between two of my fel- low-lodgers, who were magnanimously employed in condemning a luckless wight to infamy, because he chose to wear a red coat, and to entertain certain erroneous opinions some thirty years ago. Shocked at their illiberal and vindictive spirit, I rebuked thera for thus indulging in slander and uncharitable- nesses, about the colour of a coat which had doubtless for many years been worn out, or the belief in errors, which, in all probability, had been long since atoned for and abandoned : but they justified themselves by alleging, that they were only engaged in politics, and exerting that liberty of speech, and freedom of discussion, which was the glory and safeguard of their national independence, "0 Mahomet!" thought I, " what a country musl that be which builds its political safety on ruined characters, and the persecution of indivi- duals:" Into tinualh gradual researcl and I a scale of suing tl ation — 1 contradi retnice ] ignoran( How cracy I live in t] is more govemm and exch subject our earlii burnings country, even reli and it ha ing in on nor pick bow dowr towards t his Josh- tise, unm( Nay, ever night Avitl] and rises safety— wj the sandy solitary bl( wide exter l>eyond th( whom no I he is suffe exciting or mild and h gJon: once TO ASEM BACCH£M. 178 Into whnt transports of surprise and incredulity am I coa- tinuallr betraj'ed, as the character of this eccentric people gradually developes itself to my observation. Every new research increases the perplexities in which I am involved, and I am more than ever at a loss where to place them in the scale of my estimation. It is thus the philosopher — in pur- suing through the labyrinth of doubt, error, and misrepresent- ation — frequently finds himself bewildered in the mazes of contradictory experience ; and almost wishes he could quietly retrace his wandering steps, steal back into the path of honest ignorance, and jog on once more in contented indifterence. How fertile in these contradictions is this extensive logo- cracy ! Men of different nations, manners, and languages, live in this country in the most perfect harmony ; and nothing is more common than to see individuals, whose respective governments are at variance, taking each other by the hand and exchanging the offices of friendship. Nay, even on the subject of religion— in which, as it affects our dearest interests, our earliest opinions and prejudices, some warmth and heart- burnings might be excused ; which, even in our enlightened country, is so fruitful in difference between man and man — even religion occasions no dissension among these people; and it has been discovered, by one of their sages, that believ- ing in one God or twenty Gods •' neither breaks a man's leg nor picks his pocket." The idolatrous Persian may here bow down before his everlasting fire, and prostrate himself towards the glowing east — the Chinese may adore his Fo, or his Josh — the Egyptian his stork — and the Mussulman prac- tise, unmolested, the divine precepts of our immortal prophet. Nay, even the forlorn, abandoned atheist, who lies down at night without committing himself to the protection of Heaven, and rises in the morning without returning thanks for his safety — who hath no deity but his own will — whose soul, like the sandy desert, is barren of every flower of hope to throw a solitary bloom over the dead level'cf sterility, and soften the wide extent of desolation — whose darkened views extend not beyond the horizon that bounds his cheerless exislence — to whom no blissful perspective opens beyond the grave — even he is suffered to indulge in his desperate opinions, without exciting one other emotion than pity or contempt. But this mild and tolerating spirit reaches not beyond the pale of reli- gion: once differ in politics, in mere theories, visions, and :5 'i H •i , ^ S^ ^ V^ IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) 1.0 ^1^ Ui 1.1 l.-""^ 0/ HiGtographic ScMices CorpQFEitiQn ^ o M WHT MAM STRUT ««tMTM,N.V. 1 4110 '4^ ^A 4^ 4^ \ 174 MUSTAPBA SOB-A-DUB EBU KHAN chimeras, the growth of interest, of Mij, or madness, and deadly warfare ensues— erery eye flashes fire, erery tongue is loaded with reproach, and every heart is filled with gaU and bitterness. At this period several uiyostifiable and serious injuries, on the part of the barbarians of the Brititih islands, have ffiven a new impulse to the tongue and the pen, and occasioned a ter- rible wordy fever. Do not suppose, my friend, that I mean to condemn any proper and dignified expression of resentment for iiyuries. On the contrary, I love to see a word before a blow, for " in the fulness of the heart the tMigue moveth." But my long experience has convinced me, that people who talk the most about taking satisfaction for afironta, generally content themselves with talking instead of revenging the insult : like the street women of this country, who, aner a prodigbus scolding, quietly sit down and fan themselves cool «s fast as possible. But to return : the rage for talking has now, in consequence of the aggressions I alluded to, increased to a deflree far beyond what I have observed heretofore. In the gardens of his Highness of Tripoli are fifteen thousand beehives, three \undrad peacocks, and a prodigious number of parrots and baboons — and yet I declare to thee, Asem, that their buzzing, and squalling, and chattering, is nothing com- pared to the wild ujHroar and war of words now raging within the bosom of this mighty and distracted logocracy. Politics pervade every city, every village, every temple, every porter- house — the universal question is, " What i'^ tne news ?" Thk is a kind of challenge to political debate ; and as no two men think exactiv alike, 'tis ten to one but, before they finish, all the polite phrases in the language are exhausted by way of giving fire and energy to argument. What renders this talk- ing fever more alarming is, that the people appear to be in the unhappy state of a patient whose jwlate nauseates the medicine best calculated for the cure of his disease, and seem anxious to continue in th^ full ei^joyment of their chattering epidemic. They alarm each other by direful reports and fear- ful apprehensions ; like as I have seen a knot of old wives in this country entertain themselves with stories of ghosts and goblins, until their imaginations were in a most agonixing panic. Every day begets some new tale, big with agitatioo ; and the busy goddess Rumour, to speak in the poetic Ian- gnage of the Christians, is constantly m motion. She moimti her n freighti letters able 001 her hij followei cvaoles. times a intelligi sitT of I to be se eiples. Whei portant tongue, i isathov as himse possesses in this whanger thing he the reasc enlightei rowed lai speculati probabili an oppor thou ma' improved process o auziliariti reproach proceed trampled dwanof •nd aspir There ended me and the after agai i«9rBt,th( TO MBM MACCHBf. 175 Ua* her nttfing stafle-waggon, and gaUopa about the eoontiy freighted with a load of ** hinta," " infonnationa." " extracts of letters from respeetaUe sendemea," " obserratiDns of respeet- able oorrespondents," and " anqoestionaUe anthorities," iniich her high-priests, the skng-whangers, retail. to their sapeat followers, with all the solemnitjand all ^ aathentio^ of oraeles. Tree it is, the 'jnfortunate ahmg-whangers are some- times at a loss for food to supply this insatiable i^petite for intelligmice ; and are, not unfrequently, reduced to the neces- sity of mana£Eu;taiing diriies suited to the taste of the times, to be served »f as morning and evening repasts to their dis- ciples. When the hungry politician is thus friU charged with im- portant information, he salUes forth to give due exercise to his tongue, and tell all he knows to everybody he meets. Now it is a thousand to one that every person he meets is just as wise as himself, charged widi the same articles of informatioa, and possessed of the same violent inclination to give it vent ; for m this country every man adopts some particular alang- whanger as the standard of his judgment, and reads eveiy- thing he writes if he reads nothing else ; which is doubtless the reason vihj the people of this logoeracy aro so marvellonsly enlightened. So away they tilt at eadi other with their bor- rowed lanoes, advancing to the combat with the opinions and speculations of their rei^iective skng-whangetSt which, in all probability, are diametrically opposite : here then arises as foir an opportmuty for a battle of wmrds as heart ooold wish ! and thou mayest rely upon it, Asem, they do not let it pass un- improved. They sometimes begin with argument, but in process of time, as the tongue begins to wax wanton, other auxiliaries become necessarv — recrimination eommenoea — reproach follows dose at its heels — from political abuse they proceed to personal, and thus often is a friendship of ye^rs trampled down by this contemptible enemy, this gigantic dwari of pourioa— the mongrel issue of gfovelling ambitioft and aspiring ignoranea I There would ba but little harm indeed in all this, if it ended merely in a broken head — for thia might aoon be healed, and the scar, if any remained, might serve as a warning ever alter against the indnlganne of poUtaeal in t e a ip e rai iee : at the worst, the Iom of soeh heads aa thaaa wmdd be a gain to the Mtion. But the evil extenda far daapar ; il thw t a n a to impair I i 176 XU8TAPBA BUB-A-DUB KEU XHAN •11 soda] intercourse, and even to sever the sacred union of fiunily and kindred. The convivial table is disturbed— the cheerful fireside is invaded — the smile of social hilarity is chased away — the bond of social love is broken by the ever- lasting intrusion of this fiend of contention, who lurks in the sparkling bowl, crouches by the fireside, growls in the friendly circle, infests every avenue to pleasure ; and, like the scowling incubus, sits on the bosom of society, pressing down and smo- thering every throb and pulsation of liberal phDanthropy. But thou wilt perhaps ask, " What can these people dispute about? one would suppose that, being all free and equal, they would harmonize as brothers ; children of the same parent, and equal heirs of the same inheritance." This theory is most exquisite, my good friend, but in practice it turns out the very dream of a madman. Equality, Asem, is one of the most consummate scoundrels that ever crept from the brain of a political juggler—- a fellow who thrusta his hand into the pocket of honest industry, or enterprising talent, and squan- ders their hard-earned profits on profligate idleness or indolent stupidity. There will always be an inequality among mankind 80 long as a portion of it is enlightened and industrious, and the rest idle and ignorant. The one will acquire a larger share of wealth, and its attendant comforts, refinements, and luxuries of life, and the influence and power which those will always possess who have the greatest ability of administering to the necessities of their fellow-creatures. These advantages will inevitably excite envy, and envy as inevitably begets ill-will : — hence arises that eternal warfare, which the lower orders of society are waging against those who have raised themselves by their own merits, or have been raised by the merits of their ancestors, above the common level. In a nation possessed of quick feelings and impetuous passions, this hostility might engender deadly broils and bloody commotions : but here it merely vents itself in high-sounding words, which lead to continual breaches of decorum ; or in the insidious assassina- tion of character, and a restless propensity among the base to blacken every reputation which is iairer than their own. I cannot help smiling sometimes to see the solicitude with which the people of America, so called from the countiy having been first discovered by Christopher Columbus, battle about them when any election takes place ; as if they had the least concera in the matter, or were to be benefited by an exchan( but the the eve situatioi of an el has beei have ob denied I party is others ai to apprifi which, p( ing that gaged in jected th pation in confidenc coDsisteui to them, J to the e) much goo wonderfu: pected to men bash; every day ease. W that eveiy the last^ have crep side, who cnce. Tl still lives bestow; a reaped is, they will j notwithsta compIianc( uiate, and Such, n of " the n ■with straw tain fish I TO AnCM HACCBEM. 17» exchange of basha^rs ! They really seem ignorant, that none but the bashaws and their dependents are at all interested in the event ; and that the people at large will not find their situation altered in the least. I formerly gave thee an account of an election, which took place under my eye. The result has been, that the people, as some of the slang-whangers say, have obtained a glorious triumph ; which, however, is flatly denied by the opposite slang-wnangera, who insist that their party is composed of the true sovereign people ; and that the> others are all Jacobins, Frenchmen, and Irish rebels. I ought to apprise thee, that the last is a term of great reproach here ; which, perhaps, thou wouldst not otherwise imagine, consider- ing that it is not many years since this very people were en- gaged in a revolution, the failure of which would have sub- jected them to the same ignominious epithet, and a partioi* pation in which is now the highest recommendation to public, confidence. By Mahomet, but it cannot bo denied, that the consistency of this people, like everything else appertaining to them, is on a prodigious great scale ! To return, however, to the event of the election. — The people triumphed ; and much good has it done them. I, for my part, expected to see wonderful changes, and most magical metamorphoses. I ex- pected to see the people ^\\ rich, that they would be all gentle- men bashaws, riding in their coaches, and faring sumptuously every day ; emancipated from toU, and revelling in luxurious ease. Wilt thou credit me, Asem, when I declare to thee, that everything remains exactly in the same state it was before- the last wordy campaign : except a few noisy retainers, who have crept into office, and a few noisy patriots, on the othes side, who have been kicked out, there is not the least differ- ence. The labourer toils for his daily support ; the beggar still lives on the charity of those who have any charitv to bestow; and the only solid satisfaction the multitude have reaped is, that they have got a new governor, or bashaw, whom they will praise, idolize, and exalt for a while ; and afterwards, notwithstanding the sterling merits he really possesses, in compliance with immeraorinl custom, they will abose, calum- niate, and trample under foot. Such, my dear Asem, is the way in which the wise people of " the most enlightened country under the sun " are amused with straws, and puffed up with mighty conceits ; like a cer- tain fish I have seen here, which, having his belly tickled for 17« OOCXLOn HAXX. a abort time, will swell and puflF himself op to twice his usual size, and become a mere bladder of wind and ranity. The blessing of a true Mussulman light on thee, good Asem! ever, while thou livest, be true to thy prophet ; snd ngoice, that, though the boasting political chatterers of this logocnu^ cast upon thj countrymen the ignominious epithet of slaves, thou livest in a country where the people, instead of being at the mercy of a tyrant with a million of heads, have nothing to do but submit to the will of a bashaw with only three tails Ever thine, Mustapha COCKLOFT HALL. BT LAUKCBLOT LANQSTAFF, ESQ. Those who pass their time immured in the smoky circum- ference of the city, amid the rattling of carts, the brawling of the multitude, and the variety of unmeaning and dis- cordant sounds that prey insensibly upon the nerves, and beget a weariness of the spirits, can alone understand and feel that expansion of the heart, that physical renovation which a citizen experiences when he steals forth from his dustv prison, to breathe the free air of heaven, and e^joy the dear face of nature. Who that has rambled by the side of one of our mcgestic rivers, at the hour of sunset, when the wildly roman- tic scenery around is softened and tinted by the voluptuous mist of evening; when the bold and swelling outlines of the distant mountam seem melting into the glowinff horizon, and a rich mantle of refulgence is thrown over the whole expanse of the heavens, but must have felt how abundant is nature in sources of pare ex^joyment; how luxuriant in all that can enliven the senses or delight the imagination. The jocund zephyr, full freighted with native fragrance, sues sweetly to the senses ; the chirping of the thousand varieties of insects with which our woodlands abound forms a concert of simple melody ; even the barking of the farm dog, the lowing of the cattle, the tinkling of thnir bells, and the strokes of the wood- roan's axe from the opposite shore, seem to partake of tha softness of the scene, and fall tunefully upon the ear ; while the voice of the villager, chanting some rustic ballad, swells from a distance, in the semblance of the very music of har- monious love. At such a time I feel a sensation of sweet tranquillity ; a hallowed culm is diffused over my senses ; I cast my eyes atnun warrii touch peace and bi of my aim»u theuni these d nmgeti the air, A wh •elves ii eoldiea] weeks s nntation boasted j that it wi while to ^"^uisporfa the enjoy The next niy man love to i the quici guarding pleasure ' Havii oommenc I tru8tai„ duction to] them as nf learn howl a hovel, ol Mough to [ *? be grad tion he ev^ CockloL rather the] 8«ids fortl Pindar wl COCKLOfT BALL. m around, tnd t/fwrj object is serene, simple, and betutifol ; no wurring passion, no discordant string there vibrates to the tondb of ambition, sdf-interest, hatred, or revenge ; I am at peace with the wlu>le irorld, and hail all mankind as friends and brodMTB. — Blissfbl moments ! ye recall the careless days oi my boyhood, when mere existence was happiness, when hope was certain^, this world a paradise, and every woman a ministering angel! Surely man was designed for a tenant of the universe, instead of being pent up in these dismal cages, these dens of strife, disease, and discord. We were created to range the fields, to sport among the groves, to build casUes in the air, and have every one of them realized I A whole legion of reflections like these insinuated them- selves into my mind, and stole me from the influence of the eold realities before me, as I took my accustomed walk, a few weeks since, on the battery. Here, watching the splendid mutations of one of our summer skies, which emulated the boasted glories of an Italian sunset, I all at once discovered that it was but to pack up my portmanteau, bid adieu for a while to my elbow-chair, and in a little time I should be transported from the region of smoke, and noise, and dust, to the enjoymoit of a far sweeter prospect and a brighter sky. Hie next morning I was off full tilt to Cockloft Htul, leaving my man Pompey to follow at his leisure with my baggage. I love to indulge in rapid transitions, which are prompted by the quick impulse of the moment ; — 'tis the only mode m guarding against that intruding and deadly foe to all partiea of pleasure— anti(Biiibtion. ' Having now made good my retreat, until the black frosts oommence, it is but a piece of civility due to my readers, who I trust are, ere this, my friends, to give them a proper intro- duction to my present residence. I do this as much to gratify them as mvself ; well knowing a reader is always anxious to learn how his author is lodged, whether in a garret, a cellar, a hovel, or a palace ; at least an author is generally vain enough to think so ; and an author's vanity ought sometimes to be gratified : poor vagabond ! it is often the only gratifica- tion he ever tastes in this world ! Cockloft Hall is the country residence of the family, or ratiier the paternal mansion ; which, like the mother countnr, sends forth whole colonies to populate the face of the earth. Pindar wUmsiMlly denominates it the ftunily hive ! and thert K 9 V 180 OOCKLOFI BALL. is at least as much troth as humour in my cousin's epithet ;-^ for many a redundant swarm has it produced. I don't recol- lect whether I have at any time mentioned to my readers, for I seldom look back on what I have written, that the fertility of the Cocklofts is proverbial. The female members of the family are most incredibly fruitful ; and, to use a favourite phrase of old Cockloft, who is excessively addicted to back- rmmon, they seldom fail " to throw doublets every time." myself have known three or four very industrious young men reduced to great extremities, with some of these capital breeders ; Heaven smiled upon their union, and enriched them with a numerous end hopeful ofi&pring — ^who eat them out of doors. But to return to the hall. — It is pleasantly situated on the bank of a sweet pastoral stream ; not so near town as to invite an inundation of unmeaning, idle acquaintance, who come to lounge away an afternoon, nor so distant as to render it an absolute deed of charity or friendship to perform the journey. It is one of the oldest habitations in the country, and was built by my cousin Christopher's grand&ther, who was also mine by the mother's side, in his latter days, to form, as the old gentleman expressed himself, " a snug retreat, where he meant to sit himself down in his old days, and be comfortable for the rest of his life." He was at this time a few years over fourscore : but this was a common saying of his, with which he usually closed his airy speculations. One would have thought, m}m the long vista of years through which he con- templated many of his projects, that the good man had forgot the age of the patriarchs had long since gone by, and calcu- lated upon living a century longer at least. He was for a considerable time in doubt on the question of roofing his house with shingles or slate :— shingles would not last above thirty years ; but then they were much cheaper than slates. He settled the matter by a kind of compromise, and deter* mined to build with shingle first ; " and when they are worn out," said the old gentleman, triumphantly, " 'twill be time enough to replace them with more durable materials." But his contemplated improvements surpassed eveiything; and scarcely had he a roof over his head, when he discovered a thousand things to be arranged before he could " sit down comfortably." In the first j^ace every tree and bush on the place was cut down or grobbed up by the roots, because they were chest rintht years over { mined behold will p« Medio above was hi the M( from tl a whim tho old purpose one hu stored ^ things i a proje< wmm-wl have a I he woul would purpose, he obse water, w pipe, an soul !— had beg Let If— and if life the illus Since the han( who gli which, at guest thi pudding, prime J appears u OOCXLOR HALL. 181 wen not placed to his mind ; and a vast quantity of oaks, chestnuts, and elms, set out in dumps, ana rows, and laby- rinths, which, he observed, in about fiTO-and-twenty or thirty years at most, would yield a veiy tolerable shade, and more- over shut out all the surrounding country ; for he was deter- mined, he said, to have all his views on his own land, and bo beholden to no man for a prospect. This, my learned readers will perceive, was something very like the idea of Lorenzo de Medici, who gave as a reason for preferring one of his seats above all the others, " that all the ground within view of it was his own : " now, whether my grandfather ever heard of the Medici is more than I can say ; I rather think, however, from the characteristic originality of the Cocklofts, that it was a whim-wham of his own begetting. Another odd notion of tho old gentleman was to blow up a large bed of rocks for the purpose of having a fish-pond, uthough the river ran about one hundred yards' distance from the house, and was well stored with fish ; — but there was nothing, he said, like having things to one's self. So at it he went, with all the ardour of a projector who has just hit upon some splendid and useless wmm-wham. As he proceeded, his views enlarged ; he would have a summer-house built on the margin of the fish-pond ; be would have it surrounded with elms and willows ; and he would have a cellar dug under it, for some incomprehensible purpose, which remains a secret to this day. " In a few years," he observed, "it would be a delightful piece of wood and water, where ho might ramble on a summer's noon, smok > his pipe, and enjoy himself in his old days : " — ^thrice honest n'ld soul !— he died of an apoplexy in his ninetieth year, just as he had begun to blow up the fish-pond. Let no one ridicule the wmm-whams of my grandfather. If —and of this there is no doubt, for wise men have said it — if life is but a dream, happy is he who can make the most of the illusion. Since my grandfather's death, the hall has passed through the hands of a succession of true old cavaliers, like himself, who gloried in observing the golden rules of hospitality; which, according to die Cockloft principle, consist in giving a guest the freedom of the house, cramming him with beef and pudding, and, if possible, laying him under the table with prime port, claret, or Lonaon particular. The mansion appears to have been consecrated to the jolly god, and teema ! j IM ooeixorr hali... ivith monumeBts sacred to oonnnalitjr. Ereiy cheat of dranen, clothes-press, and cabinet, k deeorated with enor- moas china pnnch-bowls, which Mrs. Gookloft has paraded with much ostentation, particularlj in her faTOurite red damask bed'Chamber, and in wfaidi a prqjector might with neat satisfiiction practise his experiments on fleets, dirii^ bells, and submarine boats. I have before mentioned cousin Christopher's profound ▼eneration for antique furniture; in consequence of which the old hall is furnished in much the same style with the house in town. Old fisushioned bedsteads, with high testers ; massy clothes-preeses, standing most majestically on eagles' claws, and ornamented with a profusion of shining braas handles, clasps, and hinges; and around the grand parlour ai». solemnly arranged a set of high-backed, leauier-bottomed, massy, mahogany <£airs, that always remind me of the formal long-waisted belles, who flourished in stays and buckram about the time they were in fashi(m. If I may judge from their height, it was not the fashion for gentlemen in those days to loll over the bade of a lady's ohaiiv and whiter in her ear what might be as well npoken aloud ;— at least th^ must have been Pati^^niana to have effected it Will Wizard declares that he saw a little £Eit German gallant attempt once to whisper Miss Barbara Goddoft in this man- ner, but bdng unluduly caught by the chin, he dangled and kicked about for half a minute, before he could find terra firma; — but Will is much addicted to hypocbole, by reason of his having been a great traveller. But what the Cocklofts most espeoiaUy pride themselvea upon is the possession of several family portraits, which ex- hibit as honest a square set of portly well-iSed looking gentle- men and gentlewomen as eiver grew and flouridied under the pencil of a Dutch painter. Old Christopher, who is a com- plete genealogist, has a story to tell of each ; and dilates with copious eloquence on the great services of the general in large sleeves, during the old If rench war ; and on Uie piety of the lady in blue velvet, who so attentively peruses her book, and fras once celebrated for a beantiful arm; but much^ I wrerence my illustrious ancestors, I find little to admire in iheir biography, except my cousin's excellent memory, which is most {MTOvokingly retentive of every uninteresting par* tsBolar. cocKLorr hall. 18t com- mth Itfge of the , md Hire in My allotted chamber in the hall is the same that was occth ^ed in days of yore by my honoured uncle John. The room exhibits many memonals which recall to my remembrance the solid ezcwence and amiable eccentricities of that gallant old lad. Over the mantelpiece hangs the portrait of a young lady dressed in a flaring, long-waisted, blue silk gown ; he- flowered, and be-furbelowed, and be-cufiied, in a most abundant manner; she holds in one hand a book, which she very eomplaisantly n^lects, to turn and smile on the spectator; in the other a flower, which I hope, for the honour of dame Nature, was the sole production of the painter's imaginatkm ; and a little behind her is somethmg tied to a blue riband ; but whether a little dog, a monkey, or a pigeon, must be left to the judgment of future commentators. This little damsel, tradition says, wns my uncle Jdin's third flame; and he would infallibly have run away with her, could he have per- suaded her into the measure ; but at that time ladies were not quite so easily run away with as Columbine ; and my uncle, failing in the point, took a lucky thought, and with great gallantly ran off" with her picture, which he conveyed in triumph to Cockloft Hall, and hung up in his bed-chunber, as a monument of his enterprising spint. The old gentleman prided himself mightily on his chivalrio manoeuvre ; always dnickled and pulled up his stock when he contemplated the picture, and never related the exploit without winding up — ** I might, indeed, have carried off the original, had I chose to dangle a little longer after hex chariot wheels ; for, to do the girl justice, I believe she had a liking for me; but I always scorned to coax, my boy — always — 'twas my way." My uncle John was of a happy temperament ; — I would give hau I cm worth for his talent at self-consolation. The Miss Cocklofts have made several spirited attempts to introduce modem furniture into the hall, but with very indif- ferent success. Modern s^le has always been an ol^ect of ffreat annoyance to honest Christopher, and is ever treated by him with sovereign contempt, as an upstart intruder. It is a eommon observation of his, that your old-fashiMied substantial fhn^ture bespeaks the respectability of one's ancestors, and indicates that the £unily has been used to hold up its head for mcherry-tree in its old age ? — why do you not cut off the gray locks of your poor old father?" Do my readers yawn at this long family detail? They are THBATUOAL ntTEIXIGEKCE. 185 \ welcome to throw down our work, and never resume it again. I have no care for such ungratified spirits, and will not throw away a thought on one of them. Full often have I contri- hated to their amusement, and have I not a right for once to consult my own ? Who is there that does not fondly turn at times to linger round those scenes which were once the haunt of his boyhood, ere his heart grew heavy and his head waxed gray; and to dwell with fond afTection on the friends who have twined themselves round his heart — mingled in all his enjoyments— contributed to all his felicities? If there be any who cannot relish these enjoyments, let them despair — for they have been so soiled in their intercourse with the world, as to be incapable of tasting some of the purest pleasures that survive the happy period of youth. To such as luive not yet lost the rural feeling, I address this simple family picture ; and in the honest sincerity of a warm heart I invite them to turn aside from bustle, care, and toil— to tarry with me for a season in the hospitable mansion of the Cocklofts. leywe I was really apprehensive, on reading the following effusion of Will Wizfurd, that he still retained that pestilent hanker- ing after puns of which we lately convicted him. He, how- ever, declares that he is fully authorized by the example of the most popular critics and wits of the present age, whose manner and matter he has closely, and, he flatters himself, successfully, copied in the subsequent essay. THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE BT WILUAM WIZARD, ESQ. Thk uncommon healthiness of the season, occasioned, as se- veral learned physicians assure me, by the universal preva- lence of the influenza, has encouraged the chieftain of our dramatic corps to marshal his forces, and commence the cam- paign at a much earlier day than usual. He has been in- duced to take the field thus suddenly, I am told, by Uie invasion of certain foreign marauders, who pitched their tents at Vauxhall Garden dimng the warm months, and, taking advantage of his army being disbanded and dispersed in sum- mer quarters, committed sad depredations upon the borders of his territories — carrying off a considerable portion of his IM TRKAJOUOAL IXTELUOEHOB. winter hanrest, and murdering some of his most distinguished chaiacters. It is true these hsrdy invaders have been reduced to great extremity by the late heavy rains, which injured and destroyed much of their camp equipage, besides spoiling the best part of their wardrobe. Two cities, a triumphal car, and a new moon for Cinderella, together with a barber's boy who waa employed every night to powder and make it shine white, have been entirely washed away ; and the sea has become veiy wet and mouldy — insomuch that great apprehensions are entertained that it will never be dry enough lor use. Add to this, the noble county Paris had the misfortune to tear his corduroy breeches In the scuffle with Romeo, by reason of the tomb being very wot, which occasioned him to slip ; and he and his noble rival possessing but one poor pair of satin ones between them, were reduced to considerable shifts to keep up the dignity of their respective houses. In spite of these disadvantages and untoward circumstances, they continued to enact most intrepidly — performing with much ease and con- fidence, inasmuch as they were seldom nestered with an au- dience to criticise and put them out of countenance. It is rumoured that the last heavy shower has absolutely dissolved the companv, and that our manager has nothing further to apprehend from that quarter. The theatre opened on Wednesday last with great eclat, aa we critics say, and almost vied in brilliancy with that of my superb friend Cousequa in Canton ; where the castles were all ivory, the sea mother-of-pearl, the skies gold and silver leaf, and the outside of the boxes inlaid with scallop shell- work. Those who want a better description of the theatre may as well go and see it, and they can judge for themselves. For the gratification of a highly-respectable class of readers, who love to see everything on paper, I had indeed prepared a circumstantial and truly incomprehensiMe account of it, such as your traveller always fills his book with, and which I defy the most intelligent architect, even the great Bir Christopher Wren, to understand. I had jumbled cornices, and pilasters, and {Hilars, and capitals, and triglyphs, and modules, and Elinths, and volutes, and perspectives, and foreshortenings, elter-skelter ; and had set all the orders of architecture, Dorio, Ionic, Corinthian, Ac., together by the ears, in order to work o«t a watimhcUtrj description ; but the aianager boifing lent E thesh riosity, willing ticn at it, pro\i I cai receiver actors, ( the scei celerity, the peci chairs ai ner. Ii correctni to him, formers considen hugerocl have put hand, the of the 1^ critics, pronounc turned hi jections j John shfi above his ffenius b< nvourite nager the usual styl that betw that nigh I am t( hibitions expert rat eonntrju detelU. IB the ne half fledg U able TBJUnHCAL nTELUOSNOE. 187 heatre selves, laders, red a Buch defy topher altera. I, «nd iningB, eoture. Older btifing ■ent me a polite note, requesting that I wbuld not take off the sharp edge, as be whimsically exjpresses it, of public cu- riosity, thereby diminishing the receipts of his house, I have wUIingly consented to oblige him, and have left my descrip- tion at the store of our publisher, where any person may see it, provided he applies at a proper hoar. I cannot refrain here from giving vent to the satisfaction I received from the excellent performances of the different actors, one and all; and particularly the gentlemen who shifted the scenes, who acquitted themselves throughout with great celerity, d^ity, pathos, and effect Nor must I pass over the peculiar merits of my friend John, who gallanted off the chairs and tables in the most dignified and circumspect man- ner. Indeed, I have had frequent occasion to applaud the correctness with which this gentleman fulfils the paxts allotted to him, and consider him as one of the best general per- formers in the company. My friend, the Cockney, found considerable fault with Uie manner in which John shoved a huge rock from behind the scenes, maintaining that he should have put his left foot forward and pushed it with his right hand, that being tht method practised by his contemporaries of the mal theatres, and universally approved by their best critics. He also took exceptions to John's coat, which he pronounced too short by a foot at least— particularly when he turned his back to the company. But I look upon these ob- jections m the same light as new readings, and insist that John shall be allowed to manceuvre his chain and tables, above his rocks, and wear his skirts, in that style which his Senius best affects. My hopes in the rising merit of this ivourite actor daily increase ; and I would hint to the ma- nager the propriety of giving him a benefit, advertising in the usual style of play-bills, as a " springe to catch woodcocks," that between the play and farce John will make a bow — for that night onlv! I am told that no pains have been spared to make the ex- hibitions of this season as splendid as possible. Several expert rat-catchers have been sent into dififerent parts of the country to Mtcb white mice for the grand pantomime of Cin- detdlla. A nest-full of little squab Oupicb have been taken in the neiffhbourhood of Communipaw; they are as yet but half fledged, of the true Holland beted, and it is bojped will be able to fly about the middle of October— otherwise thegr 188 8KBTCHE8 PROM KATUBB. will be suspended about the stage by the waistband, like little alligators in an apothecary's shop, as the pantomime must positively be performed by that time. Oreat pains and ex- pense have been incurred in the importation of one of the most portly pumpkins in New England ; and the public may be assured there is now one on board a vessel from New Haven, which will contain Cinderella's coach-and-six with perfect ease, were the white mice even ten times as large. Also several barrels of hail, rain, brimstone, and gun- powder, are in store for melodramas— of which a number are to be played off this winter. It is furthermora whispered me that the great thunder-drum has been new braced, and an expert performer on that instrument engaged, who will thun- der in plain English, so as to be understood by the most illiterate hearer. This will be infinitely preferable to the miserable Italian thunderer employed last winter by Mr. Ciceri, who performed in such an unnatural and outlandish tongue, that none but the scholars of Siguier Da Ponte could understand him. It will be a further gratification to the patriotic audience to know, that the present thunderer is a fellow-countryman, bom at Dunderbarrack among the echoes of the highlands; and that he thunders wi^h peculiar em- phasis and pompous enunciation, in the true style of a fourth of July orator. In addition to all these additions, the manager has provided an entire new snow-storm — the very sight of which will be quite sufficient to draw a shawl over every naked bosom in the tneatre. The snow is perfectly fresh, having been manu- factured last August. N.B. The outside of the theatre has been ornamented with anew chimney!! No. XV.— THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1807. SKETCHES FROM NATURE. BY AMTHOMT BYBROBEEM, OBKT. The brisk north-westera which prevailed not long since, had a powerful effect in arresting tne progress of belles, beaux, and wild-pigeons in their fashionable northern tour, and turn- ing them back to the more balmy region of the south. Among the rost, I was encountered, full butt, by a blast which set my teeth di of the A about in a few d My first visit the burrowe< highly-rc concern the sple( Cockloft old gent nest Lai fond of t any exces considerii mind, a because a dignity, that wouli I believe arises froi nerves so verely fro against it waggish quizzing aloof fron ditating old crony, some sym than half pher's un( smile, for joke, origii of long oc( now firmljf England. As I am found him constmotec tioal twistf s SKETCHBg rfiOU KATUBS. with 189 teeth chattering, just aa I doubled one of the frowning blufis of the Mohawk Mountains, in my route to Nii^ara; and facing about incontinently, I forthwith scudded before the wind, and a few days since arrived at my old quarters in New York. My first care on returning from so long an absence, was to visit the worthy family of the Cocklofts, whom I found safo burrowed in their country mansion. On inquiring for my highly-respected coadjutor, Langstaff, I learned with great concern that he had relapsed into one of his eccentric fits of the spleen, ever since the era of a turtle dinner given by old Cockloft to some of the neighbouring squires; wherein the old gentleman had achieved a glorious victory, in laying ho- nest Launcelot fairly under the table. Langstaff, although fond of the social board and cheerful glass, yet abominates any excess ; and has an invincible aversion to getting mellow, considering it a wilful outrage on the sanctity of imperial mind, a senseless abuse of the body, and an unpardonable, because a voluntary, prostration of both mental and personal dignity. I have heard him moralize on the subject, in a style that would have done honour to Michael Cassio himself : but I believe, if the truth were known, this antipathy rather arises from his having, as the phrase is, but a weak head, and nerves so extremely sensitive, that he is sure to suffer se* verely from a frolic ; and will groan and make resolutions against it for a week afterwards. He therefore took this waggish exploit of old Christopher's, and the consequent quizzing which he underwent, in high dudgeon; had kept aloof from company for a fortnight, and appeared to be me- ditating some deep plan of retaliation upon his mischievoua old crony. He had, however, for the last day or two, shown some symptoms of convalescence ; had listened, without moro than half a dozen twitches of impatience, to one of Christo- pher's unconscionable long stories — and even was seen to smile, for the one hundred and thirtieth time, at a venerable joke, originally borrowed from Joe Miller, but which, by dint of long occupancy, and frequent repetition, the old gentleman now firmly believes happened to himself somewhere in New England. As I am well acquainted with Launcelot's haunts, I soon found him out. He was lolling on his favourite bench, rudely oonstmcted at the foot of an o'd tree, whidi is full of fantas- tical twists, and with its spreading branohss forms a canopy 190 ■OrrOHEt FBOX KATDBB. of laxuriuit foliage. This tree is a kind of chronicle of the riiort reigns of hu uncle John's mistresses ; and its trunk it sorely wounded with earrings of true loverB* knots, hearts, darts, names, and inscriptions ! — ^frail memorials of the variety of the fair dames who captivated the wandering fancy of that old cavalier in the days of his youthful romance. . . Launcelot holds this tree in particular regard, as he does everything else connected with the memory of his good uncle John. He was reclining, in one of his usual brown studies, against its trunk, and gazing pensively upon the river that glided just by, wash- ing the drooping branches of the dwarf willovt'S that fringed its bank. My appearance roused him ; he gnuqped my lumd with his usual warmth, and with a tremulous but close pros- sore, which spoke that his heart entered into the salutation. After a number of affectionate inquiries and felicitations, such as friendship, not form, dictated, he seemed to relapse into his former flow of thought, and to resume the chain of ideas my appearance had broken for a moment. " I was reflecting,*' said he, " my dear Anthony, upon some observations I made in our last number; and considering whether the sight of objects once dear to the affections, or of scenes where we have passed different happy periods of early life, really occasions most eigoyment or most regret. Renewing our acquaintance with well-known but lons-septr rated objects revives, it is true, the recollection of former pleasures, and touches the tenderest feelings of the heart ; as the flavour of a delicious beverage will remain on the palate long after the cup has parted from the lips. But on the other hand, my friend, these same objects are too apt to awaken us to a keener recollection of what we were when they first de- lighted us ; and to provoke a mortifying and melancholy con- trast witli what we are at present. They act, in a manner, as mile-stones of existence, snowing us how far we have travelled in the journey of life ; — how much of our weary but fascinating pilgrimage is accomplished. I look round me, and my eye fondly recognises the fields I once sported over, the river in which I once swam, and the orohard I intrepidly robbed in the halcyon days of boyhood. The fields are still green, the river still rolls unaltered and undiminished, and the orchard is still flourishing and fruitful ; it is I only am changed. The thoughtless flow of mad-cap spirits that nothing could depress; the elasticity of nerve that enabled me to bound over the field* 8KBT0HK8 FBOM XATOBB. 191 to Stem tne stroun, and climb the tree ; the ' Bunahine of the 1n««8t ' that beamed an illusive charm over every object, and oreated a paradise around me ! — ^where are they? — the thievish lapse of years haa stolen them away, and left in return no- thing but gray hairs and a repining spirit" My friend Launoe- lot concluded his harangue with a sign, and as I saw he was still under the influence of a whole legion of the blues, and just on the point of sinking into one of his whimsical and unreason- able fits of melancholy abstraction, I proposed a walk : he consented, and slipped his left arm in mine ; and waving in the other a gold-headed thorn cane, bequeathed him by his uncle John, vre slowly rambled along the margin of the river. Langstaff, though possessing great vivacity of temper, is most wofuUy subject to these " thick-coming fancies ;" and I do not know a man whose animal spirits do insult him with more jiltings, and coquetries, and slippery tricks, hi these moods he is often visited by a whim-wham, which he nidulges in common with the Cocklofts. It is that of looking back with regret, colouring up the phantoms of good old times, and decking them in imaginary finery, with the spoils of his £wcy : like a good widow ladv, regretting the loss of the " poor dear man ;" for whom, while living, she cared not a rush. I have seen him and Pindar and old Cockloft amuse t^ amselves over a bottle with their youthful days, until by the time they had become what is termed merry, Uiey were the most miser- able beings in existence. In a similar humour was Launcelot at present, and I knew the only way was to let him moralize himself out of it. Our ramble vras soon interrupted by the appearance of a personage of no little importance at Cockloft Hall : — for, to let my readers into a family secret, friend Christopher is notori- ously henpecked by an old negro, who has whitened on the place, and is his master, almanack, and counsellor. My readers, if haply they have sojourned in the country, and become conversant in rural manners, must have observed that there is scarce a little hamlet but has one of these old weather- beaten vriseacres of negroes, who ranks among the great cha- racters of the place. He is always resorted to as an oracle to resolve any question about the weather, fishing, shooting, farm- ing, and horse-doctoring ; and on such occasions will slouch his remnant of a hat on one side, fold his arms, roll his white eyes, and eiamine the sky, with a look ai knowing as Peter 192 SKETCHES FROM NATUBE. Pindar's magpie when peeping into a marrow-bone. Such a sage curmudgeon is old Cassar, who acts as friend Cockloft's prime minister or grand vizier; assumes, when abroad, his master's style and title ; to wit, squire Cockloft ; and is, in effect, absolute lord and ruler of the soil. As he passed us, he pulled off his hat with an air of some- thing more than respect ; — it partook, I thought, of affection. " There, now, is another memento of the kind I have been noticing," said Launcelot ; " Ctesar was a bosom friend and chosen playmate of cousin Pindar and myself when we were boys. Never were we so happy as when, stealing away on a holiday to the hall, we ranged about the fields with honest Csesar. He was particularly adroit in making our quail-traps and fishing-rods; was always the ringleader in all the schemes of frolicksome mischief perpetrated by the urchins of the neighbourhood ; considered himself on an equality with the best of us ; and many a hard battle have I had with him about a division of the spoils of an orchard, or the title to a bird's nest. Many a summer evening do I remember, when huddled together on the steps of the hall-door, Cesar, with his stories of ghosts, goblins, and witches, would put us all in a panic, and people every lane, and churchyard, and solitary wood, with imaginary beings. In process of time he became the constant attendant and Man Friday of Cousin Pindar, whenever he went a sparking among the rosy country girls of the neighbouring farms, and brought up the rear at every rustic dance, when he would mingle in the sable group that always thronged the door of merriment ; and it was enough to 5ut to the rout a host of splenetic imps to see his mouth gra- ually dilate from ear to ear, with pride and exultation, at seeing how neatly master Piiular footed it over the floor. CflBsar was likewise the chosen confidant and special agent of Pindar in all his love affairs, until, as his evil stars would have it, on being entrusted with the delivenr of a poetic billet- doux to one of his patron's sweethearts, he took an unlucky notion to send it to his own sable Dulcinea ; who, not being able to read it, took it to her mistress : — and so the whole affair was blown. Pindar was universally roasted, and Cassar discharged for ever from his confidence. " Poor Cffisar ! — he has now grown old, like his young masters, but he still remembers old times ; and will, now and then, remind me of them as he lights me to my room, and ■KETCHES FBOM NATURE. 193 lingers a little while to bid me a good night : —believe me, my dear Evergreen, the honest simple old creature has a warm comer in my heart ; I don't see, for my part, why a body may not like a negro as well as a white man ! " By the time these biographical anecdotes were ended we had reached the stable, into which we involuntarily strolled, and found Caesar busily employed in rubbing down the horses, an office he would not entrust to anybody else ; having con- tracted an affection for every beast in the stable, from their being descendants of the old race of animals, his youthful con- temporaries. Csesar was very particular in giving us their ped^ees, together with a panegyric on the swiftness, bottom, blood, and spirit of their sires. From these he digressed into a variety of anecdotes, in which Launcelot bore a conspicuous part, and on which the old negro dwelt with all the garrulity of age. Honest Langstaff stood leaning with his arm over the back of his favourite steed, old Eilldeer ; and I could per- ceive he listened to Cssar's simple details with that n>nd attention with which a feeling mind will hang over narratives of boyish days. His eye sparkled with animation, a glow of youtmul fire stole across his pale visage ; he nodded wiUi smiling approbation at every sentence ; chuckled at eveiy ex- ploit ; Taugned heartily at the story of his once having smoked out a country singing school with brimstone and assafoetida ; and slipping a piece of money into old Caesar s hand to buy himself a new tobacco-box, he seized me by the arm and hur- ried out of the stable brimful of good nature. *' Tis a pesti- lent old rogue for talking, my dear fellow," cried he, " but Jou must not find fault with him ; the creature means well." knew at the very moment that he made this apology honest Cffisar could not have given him half the satisfaction had he talked like a Cicero or a Solomon. Launcelot returned to the house with me in the best pos- sible humour ; the whole family, who in truth love and honour him from their very souls, were delighted to see the sunbeams once more play in his countenance. Every one seemed to vie who should talk the most, tell the longest stories, and be most agreeable : and Will Wizard, who had accompanied me in my visit, declared, as he lighted his cigar, which had gone out forty times in the course of one of his Oriental tales — that he had not passed so pleasant an evening since the birth^night ball of the beauteous Empress of Hayti. 104 ON GREATNESS*. BT LAUNOELOT LAMOBTAJT, We have more than once in the course of our ^roik been most jocosely familiar with great personages ; and, in tnith, treated them with as little ceremony, respect, and consideration, as if they had been our most particular friends. Now, we woald not suffer the mortification of having our readers even sus- pect us of an intimacy of the kind ; assuring them we are ex- tremely choice in our intimates, and uncommonly circumspect in avoiding connections with all doubtfiil characters ; particu- larly pimps, bailiffs, lottery-brokers, chevaliers of industry, and great men. The world in general is pretty well aware of what is to be understood by the former class of delinquents; but a* the latter has never, I believe, been specifically defined, and as we are determined to instruct our readers to the exteat of our abilities and their limited comprehension, it may nst be amiss here to let them know what we understand by a great man. First, therefore, let us (editors and kings are always plaral) premise that there are two kinds of greatness : — oils oooj- ferred by Heaven — ^the exalted nobilitjr of the soul; — the other a spurious distinction, engendered by the mob, and lavished upon its favourites. The former of these distinc- tions we have already contemplated with reverence ; the latter, we will take this opportunity to strip naked before our unen- lightened readers ; so that if by chance any of them are held hi ignominious thraldom by this base circulation of Mae coin, they may forthwith emancipate themselves from such in^o- rious delusion. It is a fictitious value given to individuals by public caprice, as bankers give an impression to a worthless slip of paper; thereby gaining it a currency for infinitely more than its mtrinsic value. Every nation has its peculiar coin and pecu- liar great men ; neither of which will, for the most part, pass current out of the country where they are stamped. Your * The following emy wai written bj my friend Langitaff, in ont of the Czytms of hia splenetic complaint ; and, for anght I know, may bar* I effectual in restoring him to good hnmour. A mental diwharge of tha kind has a remarkable tendency towards sweetening the temper — and Launcelot is at this moment one or the best-natnred men in existence. — A. Enrgrttn, OM asEAXNEaa. 190 true inob>crettted great man i» like a note of one of the Iktle New^England banks, and his value depreciates in proportion to the distance from home. In England, a great man is 1m who has most ribands and gewgaws on his coat, most horses t» his carriage, most slaves in his retinae, or most toad-eaters at his table ; in France, he who can most dexterously flourish his heels above bis head — Duport is most incontestibly the greatest man in France ! — when the Emperor is absent. The greatest man in China is he who can trace his ancestiy up to the moon ; and in this country our great men may generally hunt down their pedigree, until it burrows in the dirt like a rabbit. To be concise : our great men are those who are most expert at crawling on all-fours, and have the happiest facility in dragging and winding themselves abog in the dirt like very reptiles. This may seem a paradox to many of my readers, who, with great good-nature, be it hinted, are too stupid to look beyond the mere surface of our invaluable writings ; and often pass over the knowing allusion and pdgnant meaning that is slily couching beneath. It is for the benefit of soeh helpless ignorants, who have no other creed bat the opinion (tf the mob, that I shall trace, as far as it is possible to fbllow him in his ascent from insignificance, the nse, progress, and completion of a little great man. In a logocracy, to use the sage Mustapha's phrase, it is not absolutely necessary to the formation of a great man that he should be either wise or valiant, upright or honourable. On the contrary, daily experience shows that these qualities rather impede his preferment ; inasmuch as they are prone to rmi- der him too inflexibly erect, and are directly at variance with that willowy suppleness which enables a man to wind and twist through all the nooks and turns, and dark winding passagea, that lead to greatness. The grand requisite for climbing the rugged hill to popularity — the summit of which is the seat of power— is to be useful. And here once more, for the sake of our readers, who are, of course, not so wise as ourselves, I must explain what we understand by usefulness. The horse, in his native state, ia wild, swift, impetuous, full of majesty, and of a most generous spirit. It is then the animal is noble, exalted, and useless. But entnqp him, manacle him, cudgd him, break down his lofty spirit, put the curb into his moowk, the load upon his baek, and reduce him into servile obedience to the bridle and the lash, and it is then he becomes uiefiiL a 106 OM OREATirSSS, T<)r succeeds them. Now and then, indeed, the influenza, the fever-and-ague, or some such pale- faced intruder, may happen to throw a momentary damp on the general felicity; but, ou the whole, Evergreen declares that Ballston wants only six things : to wit, good air, good wine, good living, good beds, good company, and good humour, to be (he most enchanting place in the world ; — excepting Botany Bay, Musquito Cove, Dismal Swamp, and the Black Hole at Calcutta 'f. Letter t jrom Mustapha Hdb-a-dub Keli Khan, to Asek Hacchem, principal Slave-driver to His Highnses the Ba- shaw of Tripoli. AxoMO the variety of principles by which mankind are ac- tuated, there is one, my dear Asem, which I scarcely know whether to consider as springing from grandeur and nobility of mind, or from a refined species of vanity and egotism. It is that singular, although almost universal, desire of living in the memory of posterity ; of occupying a share of the world's * The British retder will have felt himtelf quite at home in the peruial of this eiMy, ai its utire is juit ai applicable to the society of oiir rashion- able watering places, as to the notables of Ballston.— i^dtt. f The following letter from the sage Mustnpha has cost us more trouble to decipher, and render into tolerable Bnglish, than any hitherto published. It wu full of blots and erasures, particularly the latter part, which we have no doubt was penned in a moment of sreat wrath and indignation. Mus« tapha has often a rambling mode of writinff, and his thoughts take such un- accountable tarns, that it is difRcuIt to tell one moment where he will lead you the next This is particularly obvious in the commencement of his Ic^ ten, which seldom bear much analogy to the subsequent parts— he sets off with a flourish, liko a dramatic hero — assumes an air of great pomposity, •ad struts up to bis subject mounted most loftily on stilts. — L. Langitcfff. 'n- 'ty. 906 IfUSTAFHA BUB-A-DUB KBU KHAM attention, when we shall long since have ceased to be suscep- tible either of its praise or censure. Most of the passions of the mind are bounded by the grave ; — sometimes, indeed, aa anxious hope or trembling fear will venture beyond the clouds and darkness that rest upon our mortal horizon, and expatiate in boundless futurity ; but it is only thb active love of fame which steadily contemplates its fruition in the applause or gratitude of future ages. Indignant at the narrow limits which circumscribe existence, ambition is for ever struggling to soar beyond them;— to triumph over space and time, and to bear a name, at least, above the inevitable oblivion in which everything else that concerns us must be involved. It is this, my friend, which prompts the patriot to his most heroic achievements ; which inspires the sublimest strains of the poet, and breathen ethereal fire into the production of the painter and the statuary. For this the monarch rears the lofty column ; the laurelled conqueror claims the triumphal arch ; while the obscure indi- vidual, who moved in an humbler sphere, asks but a plain and simple stone to mark his grave, and bear to the next generation this important truth, that he was bom, died — and was buried. It was this passion which once erected the vast Numidian piles, whose nuns we have so often regarded with wonder, as the shades of evening — fit emblems of oblivion — gradually stole over and enveloped them in darkness. It was this which gave being to those sublime monuments of Saracen magnificence, which nod in mouldering desolation, as the blast sweeps over our deserted plains. How futile ore all our efforts to evade the obliterating hand of time! As I traversed the dreary wastes of Egypt, on my journey to Grand Cairo, I stopped my camel for a while, and contemplated, in awful admiration, the stupendous pyramids. An appalling silence prevailed around — such as reigns in the wildemess when the tempest is hushed and the beasts of prey have retired to their dens. The myriads that had once been employed in rearing these lofty mementoes of human vanity, whose busy hum once enlivened the solitude of the desert, had all been swept from the earth by the irresistible i*^^ of death — all were mingled with their native dust — u.i were forgotten ! Even the mighty names which these sepulchres were designed to perpetuate, had long since faded from re- membrance : history and tradition afforded but vague con- 10 ASSM bacchxm; a07 the all JMtares, and the pyramids imputed a humiliating lesson to the candidate for immortality. Alas ! alas ! said I to myself, how mutable ure the foundations on which our proudest hopes of future fame are reposed! He who imagines he has secured to himself the meed of deathless renown indulges in deluding visions, which only bespeak the vanity of the dreamer. The storied obelisk — the triumphal arch — tl» swelling dome — shall crumble into dust, and the names they would preserve from oblivion shall often pass away before their own duration is accomplished. Yet this passion for fame, however ridiculous in the eye of the philosopher, deserves respect and consideration, from having been the source of so many illustrious actions ; and hence it has been the practice in all enlightened governments to perpetuate, by monuments, the memory of great men, as a ' testimony of respect for the illustrious dead, and to awaken in the bosoms of posterity an emulation to merit the same honourable distinction. The people of the American logo- cracy, who pride themselves upon improving on every pre- cept or example of ancient or modem governments, have discovered a new mode of exciting this love of glory — a mode by which they do honour to their great men, even in their lifetime. Thou must have observed by this time that they mani^ everything in a manner peculiar to themselves ; and doubtless in the best possible manner, seeing they have denominated themselves "the most enlightened people under the sun." Thou wilt therefore, perhaps, be curious to know how they contrive to honour the name of a living patriot, and what unheard-of monument they erect in memory of his achieve- ments. By the fiery beard of the mighty Barbarossa, but I can scarcely preserve the sobriety of a true disciple of Ma- homet while I tell thee ! Wilt thou not smile, Mussul- man of invincible gravity, to learn that they honour their great men by eating, and that the only trophy erected to their exploits is a public dinner ! But trust me, Asem, even in this measure, whimsical as it may seem, the philosophic and considerate spirit of this people is admirably displayed. Wisely concluding that when the hero is dead he becomes insensible to the voice of fame, the song of adulation, or the splendid trophy, they have determined that he shall enjoy his quantum of celebrity while living, and revel iu the full ei^oy* m d08 XUSTAFHA BVB-A-DUB KEU KHAN ment of a nine days' immortality. The barbarous nations of antiquity immolated human victims to the memory of their lamented dead; but the enlightened Americans offer up whole hecatombs of geese and calves, and oceans of wine, in honour of the illustrious living; and the patriot has the felicity of hearing from every quarter the vast exploits in gluttony and revelling that have been celebrated to the glory of his name. No sooner does a citizen signalize himself in a conspicuous manner in the service of his country, than all the gorman- dizers assemble, and discharge the national debt of gratitude — by giving him a dinner ; not that he really receives all the luxuries provided on this occasion — no, my friend, it is ten chances to one that the great man does not taste a morsel from the table, and is, perhaps, five hundred miles distant ; and to let thee into a melancholy fact, a patriot, under this economio government, may be often in want of a dinner, while dozens are devouring in his praise. Neither are these repasts spread out for the hungry aud necessitous, who might otherwise be filled with food and gladness, and inspired to shout forth the illustriou3 name which had been the means of their enjoy> ment— far from this, Asem, it is the rich only who indulge in the banquet: those who pay for the dainties are alone privileged to eqjoy them ; so that, while opening their purses in honour of the patriot, they at the same time fulfil a great maxim, which in this country comprehends all the rules of prudence, and all the duties a man owes to himself — namely, getting the worth of their money. In the process of time this mode of testifying public ap- plause has been found so marvellously agreeable, that they extend it to events as well as characters, and eat in triumph at the news of a treaty — at the anniversary of any grand na- tional era, or at the gaining of that splendid victory of the tongue—an election. Nay, so far do they carry it, that cer- tain days are set apart when the guzzlers, the gormandizers, and the wine-bibbei*s meet together to celebrate a grand di* gestiou, in memory of some great event ; aud every man in the zeal of patriotism gets devoutly drunk — "as the Act directs." Then, my friend, mayest thou behold the sublime spectacle of love of country, elevating itself from a sentiment into an appetite, whetted to the quick with the cheering pros- pect of tables loaded with the fat things of the land. On this self ii cause, twent] honouj patriot self tb Such, act up in the sovereij mud an Thes patponii , n»en, w] These < pointed lificatiot duties, where tl lobsters the safe theseas( economy lities of of a bow a word, eating, , Having, themselvl often on names in) they waxf nien, and] mountain! so, my fri puffing all waistcoat,! nument, Wftjestic „ character] thine bea TO A8SM HACCHEV. 200 lat cer- ndizers, rand di* ^ man in the Act sublime intimeut ing pros- nd. On this occasion every man is anxious to fall to work, cram him- self in honour of the day, and risk a surfeit in the glorious cause. Some, I have been told, actually fast for four-and- twenty hours preceding, that they may be enabled to do greater honour to the feast ; and certainly, if eating and drinking are patriotic rites, he who eats and drinks most, and proves him- self the greatest glutton, is undoubtedly the g eatest patriot. Such, at any rate, seems to be the opinion here ; and they act up to it so rigidly, that by the time it is dark, every kennel in the neighbourhood teems with illustrious members of the sovereign people, wallowing in their congenial element of mud and mire. These patriotic feasts, or rather national monuments, are patronized and promoted by certain inferior cadis, called dder- men, who are commonly complimented with their direction. These dignitaries, as far as I can learn, are generally ap- pointed on account of their great talents for eating— a qua- lification peculiarly necessary in the discharge of their official duties. They hold frequent meetings at taverns and hotels, where they enter into solemn consultations for the benefit of lobsters and turtles; — establish wholesome regulations for the safety and preservation of fish and wild fowl ; — ^appoint the season most proper for eating oysters ; — inquire into the economy of taverns, the character of publicans, and the abi- lities of their cooks ; and discuss, most learnedly, the merits of a bowl of soup, a chicken-pie, or a haunch of venison ; in a word, the alderman has absolute control in all matters of eating, and superintends the whole police — of the belly. Having, in the prosecution of their important office, signalized themselves at so many public festivals; having gorged so often on patiiotism and pudding, and entombed so many great names in their extensive maws ; thou wilt easily conceive that they wax portly apace, that they fatten on the fame of migh^ men, and their rotundity, like the rivers, the lakes, and the mountains of their country, must be on a great scale ! Even so, my friend ; and when I sometimes see a portly alderman, puffing along, and swelling as if he had the world under his waistcoat, I cannot help looking upon him as a walking mo nument, and am often ready to exclaim — "Tell me, thou majestic mortal, thou breathing catacomb ! to what illustrious character, what mighty event, does that capacious carcass of thine bear testimony?" 910 XUSTAFHA BUB-A-DUB KELI KHAK Bat thongh the enlightened citizens of this logoeracy aat in liononr of tlieir friends, yet they drink destruction to their enemies. Yea, Asem, wo unto them who are doomed to un- dergo the public vengeance at a public dinner. No sooner are the viands removed, than they prepare for merciless and extorminating hostilities. They drink the intoxicating juice of the grope, out of little glass cups, and over each draught pronounce a short sentence or prayer;— not such a prayer as thy virtuous heart would dictate, thy pious lips give utterance to, my good Asem; — not a tribute of thanks to all bountiful Allah', nor a humble supplication for his blessing on the draught; — no, my friend, it is merely a toast, that is to say, a falsome tribute of flattery to their demagogues ; a labo ired sally of affected sentiment or national egotism ; or, what is more despicable, a malediction on their enemies, an empty threat of vengeance, or a petition for their destruction ; for toasts, thou must know, are another kind of missile weapon in a logocracy, and are levelled from afar, like the annoying arrows of the Tartars. Oh, Asem ! couldst thou but witness one of these patriotic, diese monnmental dinners ; — how furiousi 7 the flame of pa- triotism blazes forth, how suddenly they vanquish armies, siri>jugate whole countries, and erterminato nations in a bumper ; — ihou wouldst more than ever admire the force at tSiat omnipotent weapon, the tongue. At these moments every oowutl becomes a hero, every ragamuffin an invincible warrior; and the most zealous votaries of peace and quiet forget, for a while, their cherished maxims, and join iu the funous attack. Toast succeeds toast ; — kings, emperors, bashaws, are like chaff before the tempest; the inspired Satriot vanquishes fleets with a single gun-boat, and swallows own navies at a draught, until, overpowered with victory and wine, he sinks upon the field of battle, dead drunk in his oountry's cause. Bword of the puissant Khalid ! what a dis- play of valour is here : the sons of Afric are hardy, brave, ana enterprising, but they can achieve nothing like this. Happy would it be if this mania for toasting extended no farther than to the expression of national resentment. Though we might smile at the impotent vapouring and windy hyperbole by which it is distinguished, yet we could excuse it, as the unguarded overflowings of a heart glowing with national injuries, and indignant at the insults offered to its oonnt hatro lisstiv 4ffeiM dergo levell satiab numtl: passioi poet, • mflum of phi] such a by the full flo turn as tore. m» 316 THE LIDRART AT COCKLOFT HALL. will fall in vrith my humour ; but he soon recovers his naloral tone of spirits ; and, mounting on the elasticity of his mind, like Ganymede on the eagle's wing, he soars to the ethereal regions of sunshine and fancy. One afternoon we had strolled to the top of a high hill in the neighbourhood of the Hall, which commands an almost boundless prospect ; and as the shadows began to lengthen around us, and the distant mountains to fade into mists, my cousin was seized with a moralizing lit. " It seems to me," said he, laying his hand lightly on my shoulder, " that there is iust at this season, and this hour, a sympathy between us and the world we are now contemplating. The evening is stealing upon nature as well as upon us ; the shadows of the opening day have given place to those of its close ; and the only dLflference is, that in the morning they were before us, now they are behind; and that the first vanished in the splendours of noonday, the latter will be lost in the oblivion of night. Our ' May of life,' my dear Launce, has for ever fled ; our summer is over and gone : — ^but," continued he, suddenly recovering himself, and slapping me gaily on the shoulder — "but why should we repine? What though the capricious zephyrs of spring, the heats and hurricanes of sum- mer, have given place to me sober sunshine of autumn— and though the woods begin to assume the dappled livery of de- cay ! — yet the prevailing colour is still green — gay, sprightly green. ** Let us then comfort ourselves with this reflection ; that though the shades of the morning have given place to those of the evening — though the spring is past, the summer over, and the autumn come— still you and I go on our way re* joicing : — and while, like the lofty mountains of our Southern America, our heads am covered with snow, still, like them, we feel the genial warmth of spring and summer playing upon our bosoms. BY LAUNCELOT LANG STAFF, ESQ. In the description which I gave some time since of Cocklofk Hall, I totally forgot to make honourable mention of the library, which I confess was a most inexcusable oversight; for in tnith it would bear a comparison, in point of usefulneM and eccentricity, with the motley collection of the renowned hero of La Maucha. THS UBRABT AT COCKLOFT HALL. 217 It was chiefly gathered together by my grandfather ; who spared neither pains nor expense to procure specimens of the oldest, most quaint, and insufferable books in the whole com- pass of English, Scotch, and Irish literature. There is a tradition in the family that the old gentleman once gave a grand entertainment in consequence of having got possession of a copy of a philippic, by Archbishop Anselm, against the unseemly luxury of long-toed shoes, as worn by the courtiers in the time of William Rufus ; which he purchased of an honest brickmaker in the neighbourhood, for a little less than forty times its value. He had undoubtedly a singular reve- rence for old authors, and his highest eulogium on his library was, that it consisted of books not to be met with in any other collection, and, as the phrase is, entirely out of print. The reason of which was, I suppose, that they were not worthy of being reprinted. Cousin Christopher preserves these relics with great care, and has added considerably to the collection ; for with the Hall he has inherited almost all the whim-whams of its former possessor. He cherishes a reverential regard for ponderous tomes of Greek and Latin ; thouah he knows about as much of these languages as a young Bachelor of Arts does a year or two after leaving college. A worm-eaton work, in eight or ten volumes, he compares to an old family, more respectable for its antiquity than its splendour ; — a lumbering folio he considers as a duke ; a sturdy quarto as an earl ; and a row of gilde4 duodecimos as so many gallant knights of the garter. But as to modern works of literature, they are thrust into trunks and drawers, as intruding upstarts, and regarded with as much contempt as mushroom nobility in England ; who, having risen to grandeur merely by theii talents and services, are regarded as utterly unworthy to mingle their blood with those noble currents that can be traced without a single contamination through a lon^ line of, perhaps, useless and profligate ancestors, up to William the Bastard's cook, or butler, or groom, or some one of Hollo's freebooters. Will Wizard, whose studies are of a most uncommon com- dexion, takes ^reat delight in ransacking the library, and has Men, during his sqjoumings at the Hill, very constant and devout in his visits to this receptacle of obsolete learning. He seemed particularly tickled with the contents of the sreat mabogany chest of drawers mentioned m the beginning of this i 318 THE LIDRABY AT COCXLOIT HAXA. work. This yenemble piece of architecture has frowned, in sullen majesty, from a comer of the library, time out of mind, and is filled with musty manuaoripts, some in my grand- father's handmiting, and others evidently written long before his day. It was a sight worthy of a man's seeing, to behold Will with his outlandish phiz poring over old scrawls that would puzzle a whole society of antiquarians to expound, and diving into receptacles of trumpery, which, for a century past, had been undisturbed by mortal hand. He would sit for whole hours, with a phlegmatic patience unknown in these degene- rate days, except, peradventure, among the High Dutch Commentators, prying into the quaint obscurity of musty parchments, until his whole face seemed to be converted into a folio leaf of black le^r ; and occasionally, when the whim- sical meaning of an obscure passage flashed on his mind, his countenance would curl up into an expression of Gothic risi- bility, not unlike the physiognomy of a cabbage leaf wilting before a hot lire. At such times there was no getting Will to joui in our walks, or take any part in our usual recreations ; he hardly gave us an Oriental tale in a week, and would smoke so inve- terately, that no one else dared enter the library, under pain of suffocation. This was more especially the case when he encountered any knotty piece of writing ; and he honestly confessed to me that one worm-eaten manuscript, written in a pestilent crabbed hand, had cost him a box of the best Spanish cigars before he could make it out ; and, after all, it was not worth a tobacco-stalk. Such is the turn of my knowing asso- ciate ; only let him get fairly in the track of any odd oat of the way whim-wham, and away he goes, whip and cut, until he either runs down his game, or runs himself out of breath. I never in my life met with a man who rode his hobby-horse more intolerably hard than Wizard. One of his favourite occupations for some time past has been the hunting of black-letter, which he holds in high regard; and ho often hints that learning has been on the decline ever since the introduction of the Homan alphabet An old book, printed three hundred years ago, is a treasure ; and a ragged scroll, about one half unintelligible, fills him with raptoM; Oh ! with what enthusiasm will he dwell on the discovery of the Pandects of Justinian, and livy's history ; and when be THE LIBHART AT COCKLOFT HALL 910 relates the pious exertions of the Medici, in recovering the loat treasures of Greek and Roman literatnre, his eye brightens, and his fare assumes all the splendour of an illuminated manuscript. Will bad vegetated for a considerable time in perfect tma- quillity among dust and cobwebs, when one morning, as we were gathered on the piazza, listening with exemplary patience to one of cousin Christopher's long stories about the revolu> tionary war, we were suddenly clectri6ei by an explosion of laughter from the library. My readers, imless peradventore, they have heard honest Will laugh, can fbrm no idea of the prodigious uproar he makes. To hear him in a forest you would imagine, that is to say, if you were classical enough, that the satyrs and the dr}'ads had just discovered a pair of rural lovers in the shade, and were deriding, with bursts of obstreperous laughter, the blushes of the nymph and the in- dignation of the swain ; or If it were suddenly, as in the pre- sent instance, to break upon the serene and pensive silence of an autumnal morning, it would cause a sensation something like that which arises from hearing a sudden clap of thunder in a summer's day, when not a cloud is to be seen above the horizon. In short, I recommend Will's laugh as a sovereign remedy for the spleen : and if any of our readers are troubled with that villanous complaint, which can hardly be, if they make good use of our works— I advise them earnestly to get introduced to him forthwith. This outrageous merriment of WiH*s, as may be easily sup- posed, threw the whole family into a violent fit of wonder- ing : we all, with the exception of Christopher, who took the interruption in high dudgeon, silently stole up to the library; and, bolting in upon him, were fain at the first glance to join in his aspiring roar. His face, — but I despair to give an idea of his appearance ! — and until his portrait, which is now in the hands of an eminent artist, is engraved, my readers must be content : — I promise them they shall one day or other have a striking likeness of Will's indescribable phiz, in all its native comeliness. Upon my inquiring the occasion of his mirth, he throat an old, rusty, musty, and dusty manuscript into my hand, of which I oould not decipher one word out of ten, without more troubte than it was woitb. This task, however, he kindly todc off my hands ; and, in litUe more than eight^nd^forty hoon. • tt 230 CHBONICIfS OF OOTHAX produced a translation into fair Roman letters; though he assured me it had lost a vast deal of its humour by being modernized and degraded into plain English. In return for the great pains he had taken, I could not do less than insert it in our work. Will informs me that it is but one sheet of a stupendous bundle which still remains uninvestigated : — who was the author we have not yet discovered ; but a note on the back, in my grandfather's handwriting, informs us, that it was presented to him as a literary curiosity by his particular friend, the illustrious Rip Van Dam, formerly lieutenant- governor of the colony of New Amsterdam ; and whose fame, u it has never reached these latter days, it is only because he was too modest a man ever to do anything worthy of being particularly recorded. CHAPTER CIX. OF THE CHRONICLES OF THE RENOWNED AND ANCIENT CITY OF GOTHAM. How (}othsm city conquered was > And how the folk tamed apet — becauae.— Ln(K. Fid. Albeit, much about this time it did fall out that the thrice renowned and delectable city of Gotham did suffer great dis- comfiture, and was reduced to perilous extremity, by the invasion and assaults of the Hoppingtots. These are a people inhabiting a far distant country, exceedingly pleasaunte and fertile ; but they being withal egregiously addicted to migra- tions, do thence issue forth in mighty swarms, like the Scythians of old, overrunning divers countries and common- wcttlths, and committing great devastations wheresoever they go, by their horrible and dreadful feats and prowesses. They are specially noted for being right valorous in all exercises of the leg ; and of them it hath been rightly affirmed, that no nation in all Christendom, or elsewhere, can cope with them in the adroit, dexterous, and jocund shaking of the heel. This engaging excellence doth stand unto them a sovereign recommendation, by the which they do insinuate themselves into universal favour and good countenance ; and it is a notable fact, that, let a Hoppingtot but onco introduce a foot into company, and it goeth hardly if he doth not contrive to flou- rish his whole body in thereafter. The learned Linkum Fidelius, in his famous and unheard-of treatise on man, whom he defineth, with exceeding sagacity, to be a corn-cutting, tooth-drawing animal, is particularly minute and elaborate in CHBONICLES OF GOTHAM. d21 treating of the nation of the Hoppingtots ; and betrays a little of the Pythagorean in his theory, inasmuch as he accounteth for their being so wondrously adroit in pedestrian exercises by supposing that they did originally acquire this unaccount- able and unparalleled aptitude for huge and unmatchable feats of the leg, by having heretofore been condemned for their numerous offences against that hainnless race of bipeds, or quadrupeds (for herein the sage Linkum Fidelius appeareth to doubt and waver exceedingly), the frogs, to animate their bodies for the space of one or two generations. He also ^veth it as his opinion, that the name of Hoppingtots is manifestly derivative from this transmigration. Be this, however, as it may, the matter, albeit it hath been the subject of controversy among the learned, is but little pertinent to the subject of this history ; wherefore, we shall treat and consider it as naughte. Now these people being thereto impelled by a superfluity of appetite, and a plentiful deficiency of the wherewithal to satisfy the same, did take thought that the ancient and ven6« rable city of Gotham was, peradventure, possessed of mighty treasures, and did, moreover, abound with all manner of fish and fle^h, and eatables and drinkables, and such like delight* some and wholesome excellences withal. Whereupon, calling a council of the most active-heeled warriors, they did resolve forthwith to put forth a mighty array, make themselves mas- ters of the same, and revel in the good things of the laud. To this were they hotly stirred up, and wickedly incited, by two redoubtable and renowned wai'riors, hight Pirouet and Rigadoon : yclept in such sort, by reason that they were two mighty, valiant, and invincible little men ; utterly famous for tiie victories of the leg which they had, on divers illustrious occasions, right gallantly achieved. These doughty champions did ambitiously and vickedly inflame the minus of their countrymen, with gorgeous descrip- tions, in the which they did cunninglie set forth the marvel- lous riches and luxuries of Gotham; where Hoppingtots might have garments for their bodies, shirts to their ruffles, and might not most merrily every day in the week on beef, pudding, and such like lusty damties. They, Pirouet and Bigadoon, did likewise hold out hopes of an easy conquest ; forasmuch as the Gothamites were as yet but little versed in the mystery and science of handling the le^s ; and being, moreover, like unto that notable bully of antiquity, Achilles, fm CHRONICLES OF OOXHAM. most vulnerable to all attacks on the heel, would doubtleas Bonrender at the very first assault. Whereupon, on the hear* ing of this inspiring counsel, the Hoppinctots did set up a prodigious great cry of joy, shook their neek in triumph, and were all impatience to dance on to Gotham and take it 47 storm. The cunning Pirouet, and the arch-caitiff Bigadoon, knew fidl well how to profit by this enthusiasm. They forthwith did order every man to arm himself with a certain pestilent little weapon, called a fiddle ; — to pack up in his knapsack a pair of silk breeches, the like of ruffles, a cocked hat the form of a half-moon, a bundle of catgut — end inasmuch as in march- ing to Gotham the army might, peradventure, be smitten with scarcity of provisions, they did account it proper that each man should take especial care to carry with him a bunch of right merchantable onions. Having proclaimed these orders by sound of fiddle, they, Pirouet ana Bigadoon, did accord- ingly put their army behind them, and striking up the right jolly and sprightful tune of ^a Ira, away they all capered towards the devoted city of Gotham, with a most horrible and appalling chattering of voices. Of their first appearance before the beleagured town, and of the various difficulties which did encounter them in their march, this history saith not : being that other matters of more weighty import require to be written. When that the army of the Hoppingtots did peregrinate within sight of Ck>tham, and the people of the city did behold the villanous and hitherto unseen capers and grimaces which they did make, a most horrific panic was stirred up among the citizens ; and the sages of the town fell into great despondency and tribu- lation, as supposing that these invaders were of the race of the Jig-hees, who did make men into baboons when they achieved a conquest over them. The sages, therefore, called upon all the dancing men and dancing women, and exhorted them, with great vehemency of speech, to make h^iel against the invaders, and to put themselves upon such gallant defence, such glorio'is array, and such sturdy evolution, elevation, and transposition of the foot, as might incontinently impester the legs of the Hoppingtots, and produce their complete discom- fiture. But so it did happen, by great mischance, that diven l^t-hoeled youth of Gotham, more especially tho^e who are descended from three wise men so renowned of yore, for selves the very At lei fest syi decency of propi beheld by my it was he, " bu these sentliei^ obstinat did com themse grand the wor truly it and inc( in glosf CHBONICLES OF OOTHAM. 338 having most venturesomely voyaged over sea in a hovfl, were from time to time captured and inveigled into the camp of the enemy ; where being foolishly cajoled and treated for a season with outlandish disports and pleasantries, they were sent back to their friends, entirely changed, degenerated, and tamed topsy-turvy; insomuch that they thought thenceforth of nothing but their heels, always essaying to thrust them into the most manifest point of view; and, in a word, as might truly be affirmed, did for ever after walk upon their heads outright. And the Hoppingtots did day by day, and at late hours of the night, wax more and more urgent in tiiis their investment of the city. At one time they would, in goodly procession, nake an open assault by sound of fiddle in a tremendous con- tre-danse ; — and anon they would advance by little detach- ments, and manoeuvre to take the town by figuring in cotil- lons. But truly their most cunning and devilish craft, and snbtility, was made manifest in their strenuous endeavours to corrupt the garrison, by a most insidious and pestilent dance ofliUed the waltz. This, in good truth, was a potent auxiliary; for by it were the heads of the simple Gothamites most vil- lanously turned, their wits sent a wool-gathering, and them- selves on the point of surrendering, at discretion, even unto the very arms of their invading foemen. At length the fortifications of the town began to give mani- fest symptoms of decay; inasmuch as the breastwork of decency was considerably broken down, and the curtain-work of propriety blown up. When the cunning caitiff Pirouet beheld the ticklish and jeopardized state of the city — " Now, by my leg," quoth he, — he always swore by his leg, being that it was an exceeding goodlie leg — " Now, by my leg," quoth he, " but this is no great matter of recreation ; — I will show these people a pretty, strange, and new way forsooth, pre- sentlie, and will shake the dust off my pumps upon this most obstinate and uncivilized town." Whereupon his ordered, and did command his warriors, one and all, that they should put themselves in readiness, and prepare to carry the town by a grand hall. They, in no wise to be daunted, do forthwith, at the word, equip themselves for the assault ; and in good faith, truly it was a gracious and glorious sight, a most triumphant and incomparable spectacle, to behold them gallantly arrayed in glossy and shinmg silk breeches tied with abundance of 1 11 ^Hl H-S* Hb' hI H Bl Wturkey ; and cocked hats, the which they did not carry on their heads, after the fashion of the Oothamites, but under their arms, as a roasted fowl his gizzard. Thus being equipped and marshalled, they do attack, as* sault, batter, and belabour the town with might and main, most gallantly displaying the vigour of their legs, and shaking their heels at it most emphatically. And the manner of their Attack was in this sort ; — first, they did thunder and gallop forward in a contre temps; — and anon, displayed column in a Cossack dance, a fandango, or a gavot. Whereat the Go- thamites, in no wise understanding this unknown system of warfare, marvelled exceedinglie, and did open their mouths incontinently, the full distance of a bow-shot, meaning a cross- bow, in sore dismay and apprehension. Whereupon saith Rigadoon, flourishing his left leg with great expression of valour, and most magnific carriage, — " My copesmates, for what wait we here ; are not the townsmen already won to our favour? Do not their women .ind young damsels wave to us from the walls in such sort that, albeit there is some show of defence, yet is it manifestly converted into our interests?" — So saying, he made no more ado, but leaping into the air about a flight-shot, and crossing his feet six times, after the manner of the Hoppingtots, he gave a short partridge run, and with mighty vigour and swiftness, did bolt outright over the walls with a somerset. The whole army of Hoppingtots danced in after their valiant chieftain, with an enormous squeaking of fiddles, and a horrific blasting and brattling of horns; insomuch that the dogs did howl in the streets, so hideously were their ears assailed. The Gothamites made some semblance of defence, but their women having been all won over into the interest of the enemy, they were shortly reduced to make most abject submission, and delivered over to the coercion of certain professors of the Hoppingtots, who did put them under most ignominious durance, for the space of a loi and flo querors mighty by a coi The sexes, ai word, 00 pingtots loundly invaluab trated, ] disastroi have waj dancers; balls, rot in no til over, pit legs, and of the he some did of the h task, and into men by a fidd No. ; The folio for more topher dv some mea work, I readers. Soon quietly se that the his aflOun busy comi f THX UTTLK HAM Df BLACK. 2-^6 of a long time, until they had learned to turn out their toes, and flourish their legs after the true manner of their con- querors. And thus, f^ter the manner I have related, was the mighty and puissant ci^ of Gotham circumvented, and taken by a coup de pied; or, as it might be rendered, by force of legs. The conquerors showed no mercy, but did put all ages, sexes, and conditions, to the fiddle and the dance ; and, in a word, compelled and enforced them to become absolute Hop- pingtots. " Habit (as the ingenius Linkum Fidelius pro- foundly affirmeth) is second nature." And this original and invaluable observation hath been most aptly proved and illus- trated, by the example of the Gothamites, ever since this disastrous and unlucky mischance. In process of time, they have waxed to be most flagrant, outn^eous, and abandoned dancers ; they do ponder on uaughte but how to gallantize it at balls, routs, and fSmdangoes — insomuch that the like was, and in no time or place, ever observed before. They do, more- over, pitifully devote their nights to the jollification of the legs, and their days forsooth to the instruction and edification of the heel. And to conclude ; their young folk, who, while some did bestow a modicum of leisure upon the improvement of the head, have of late utterly abandoned this hopeless task, and have quietly, as it were, settled themselves down into mere machines, wound up by a tune, and set in motion by a fiddle-stick. space No. XVIII.— TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1807. THB LITTLB MAN IN BLACK. BT IJkUKCELOT LAK08TAFF, ESQ. The following story has been handed down by family tradition for more than a century. It is one on which my cousin Chris- topher dwells with more than usual prolixity ; and, being in some measure connected with a personage often quoted in our work, I have thought it worthy of being laid before my readers. Soon after my grandfather, Mr. Lemuel Cockloft, had quietly settled himself at the Hall, and just about the time that the gossips of the neighbourhood, tired of prying into his affairs, were anxious for some new tea-table topic, the busy community of oar little village was thrown into a grand 390 THS UTTLE MAN IK BLACK. tannoil of cariosity and conjectare — a situation verjr common to little gossiping villages — by the sudden and unaccountable appearance of a mysterious individual. The object of this solicitude vras a little black-loolung man, of a foreign aspect, vho took possession of an old building, \7hich, having long had the reputation of being haunted, was in a state of ruinous desolation, and an object of fear to all true believers in ghosts. He usually Jtrore a high sugar-loaf hat with a narrow brim, and a little black cloak which, short as he was, scarcely reached below his knees. He sought no intimacy or acquaintance with any one — appeared to take no interest in the pleasures or the little broils of the village— nor ever talked, except sometimes to himself in an outlandidi tongue. He commonly carried a large book, covered with sheepskin, under his arm — appeared always to be lost in me- ditation — and was often met by the peasantiy, sometimes watching the dawning of day, sometimes at noon seated under a tree, poring over his volume, and sometimes at evening, gazing, with a look of sober tranquillity, at the sun as it gradually sunk below the horizon. The good people of the vicinity beheld something pro- digiously singular in all this ; a profound mysteiy seemed to hang about the stranger, which, with all their sagacity, they could not penetrate ; and in the excess of worldly charity they pronounced it a sure sign " that he was no better than he should be ; " a phrase innocent enough in itself, but which, as applied in common, signifies nearly everything that is bad. The young people thought him a gloomy misanthrope, because he never joined in their sports ; the old men thought still more hardly of him, because he followed no trade, nor ever seemed ambitious of earning a farthing ; and as to the old gossips, baffled by the inflexible taciturnity of the stranger, they unanimously decreed, that a man who could not or would not talk was no better than a dumb beast. The little man in black, careless of their opinions, seemed resolved to maintain the liberty of keeping his own secret ; and the consequence was that, in a little while, the whole village was in an uproar; for in little communities of this description, the members have always the privilege of being thoroughly versed, and even of meddling in all the affairs of each other. A confidential conference was held one Sunday morning, alter sermon, at the door of the village church, and the cha- racter gave e sexton lence ; aHigl about 1 the mo — a ra( a sagac tain th( Susp soon be man in curvetii observe at any c humane sions a] to the V( chievous frolic, ai the mor bottom ( village 6 ders anc tmms." iras as e and hys himself: except door. Theo time toti sioned ; ▼idual w village becomes not the "venomou »nd w limits of nmcoreu THB LITTLE MAX IK BLAOX. aST ncter of the unknown fully invesUgated. The schoolmaster gave as his opinion, that he was the Wandering Jew ; the sexton was certain that he must be a freemason, from his si- lence ; a third maintained, with great obstinacy, that he was a High German doctor, and that the book which he carried about with him contained the secrets of the black art ; bat the most prevailing opinion seemed to be, that he was a witch — a race of beings at that time abounding in those parts : and a sagacious old matron, from Connecticut, proposed to ascer- tain the fact by sousing him into a kettle of hot water. Suspicion, when once afloat, goes with wind and tide, and soon becomes certainty. Many a stormy night was the little man in black seen by the flashes of lightning, fiiaking, and curveting in the air upon a broomstick ; and it fw» always observed, that at those times the storm did more mischief than at any other. The old lady in particular who suggested the humane ordeal of the boiling kettle lost on one of these ocea- sions a fine brindle cow ; whidi accident was entirely ascribed to the vengeance of the little man in black. If ever a mis- chievous hireling rode his master's favourite horse to a distant frolic, and the animal was observed to be lamed and jaded in the morning — the little man in black was sure to be at the bottom of the affidr ; nor could a high wind howl through the village at night, but the old women shrugged up their shoul- ders and observed, " the little man in black was in his tan- trums." In short, he became the bugbear of every house, and was as effectual in frightening little children uiU> obedience and hysterics, as the redoubtable Baw-head-and-bloody-bones himself: nor conld a housewife of the village sleep in peace, except under tbe goardianahip of a horse^shoe nailed to the door. The object of these direful suspicions remained for some time totally ignorant of the wonderful quandary he had occa- sioned ; but he was soon doomed to fsel its effects. An indi- vidual who is once so unfortunate as to incur the odium of a village is in a great measure outlawed and proscribed, and becomes a mark for injury and insult ; particularly if he has not the power or the dnpoeition to recriminate. The little venomous passions, which m the great world are dissipated and weakened by being widely diffitsed, act in Uie narrow limits of a country town with collected vigour, and become rancorous in proportioii as they are oonfiaed m their sphMP Q 2 H!; il ;4| ? iNi I ■'I UM THS UTTLB MAX IN BLACK. of ifCtion. The little man in black experienced the truth of this: every mischievous urchin returning from school had full liberty to break his windows ; and this was considered fls a most daring exploit ; for in such awe did they stand of him, that the most adventurous schoolboy was never seen to approach his threshold, and at night would prefer going round by the cross-roads, where a traveller had been mur- dered by the Indians, rather than pass by the door of his for- lorn habitation. The only living creature that seemed to have any care or affection for this deserted being was an old turnspit — the com- panion of his lonely mansion and his solitary wanderings ; — the sharer of his scanty meals, and, sorry am I to say it, the sharer ofShis persecutions. The turnspit, like his master, was peaceable and inoffensive ; never known to bark at a horse, to growl at a traveller, or to quarrel with the dogs of the neighbourhood. He followed close at his master's heels when he went out, and when he returned stretched himself in the sunbeams at the door ; demeaning himself in all things like a civil and well-disposed turnspit. But, notwithstanding his exemplary deportment, he fell likewise under the ill report of the village ; as being the familiar of the little man in black, and the evil spirit that presided at his incantations. The old hovel was considered as the scene of their unhallowed rites, and its harmless tenants regarded with a detestation which their inoffensive conduct never merited. Though pelted and jeered at by the brats of the village, and frequentlv abused by their parents, the little man in black never turned to rebuke them ; and his faithful dog, when wantonly assaulted, looked up wistfully in his master's face, and there learned a lesson of patience and forbearance. The movements of this inscrutable being had long been the subject of speculation at Cockloft Hall, for its inmates were full as much given to wondering as their descendants. The patience with which he bore his persecutions paiticularly sur- prised them — ^for patience is a virtue but little known in the Cockloft family. My grandmother, who, it appears, was nther superstitious, saw in this humility nothing but the gloomy sullonness of a wizard, who restrained himself for the present, in hopM of midnight vengeance— the parson of the village, who was a man of some reading, pronounced it the fltnbkom inseDsibility of a stoic philosopher — my grandfitUier, who, w elusion garded howeve strange truding that til wisely J talismai One moaned steeple, aservan solate al piteous storm, V then tha distress. the bene cacrjr, whi And whio hours. strcngth( the unkn propitioQ man's ph and push locks ant that smo On a I hollow e^ out fire mortal w tatingly t his usual seemed r< into whic frozen, th the good THE MTTLB MAX Dl BLACK. aao who, irortby soul, seldom wandered abroad in search of con* elasions, took datum from his own excellent hepjrt, and re> garded it as the humble forgiveness of a Christian. But, however different were their opinions as to the character of the stranger, they agreed in one particular, namely, in never in^ truding upon his solitude ; and my grandmother, who was at that time nursing my mother, never left the room without wisely putting the large family bible in the cradle — a sure talisman, in her opinion, against witchcraft and necromancy. One stormy winter night, when a bleak north-east wind moaned about the cottages, and howled around the village steeple, my grandfather was returning from club, preceded by a servant with a lantern. Just as he arrived opposite the de- solate abode of the little man in black, he was arrestfsd by the piteous howling of a dog, which, heard in the pauses of a storm, was exquisitely mournful; and he fancied now and then that he caught the low and broken groans of some one in distress. He stopped for some minutes, hesitating between the benevolence of his heart and a sensation of genuine deli- ca fiither ; and at one time, as he looked up into his old benefao' tor's face, a solitary tear was observed to steal adown tb» parched furrows of his cheek. — Poor outcast !— it was the laat tear he shed ; but I warrant it was not the first by millions! My grandfather watched by him all night. Towards morning he gradually declined ; and as the rising sun gleamed through the window, he begged to be raised in his bed that he might look at it for the last time. He contemplated it ibr a moment with a kind of religious enthusiasm, and his lips moved ae if engaged in prayer. The strange conjectures oonoeming him rushed on my grandfather's mind. " He is an idolater 1" thought he, "and is worshipping the sun!" He listened • flooment, and blushed at his own uncharitable suspicion ; h* was only engaged in the pious devotions of a Christian. Hie ample orison being finished, the little man in black withdraw his eyes from the east, and taking my grandfEUher's hand in TBF. IXITUB MAM IK BLACK. asi Me of his, and making a motion with the other towards the aun — " I love to contemplate it," said he, " 'lia au emblem of the uniTeraal benevolence of a true Christian ; — and it is the most glorious work of Him who is philanthropy itself!" My giandfather blushed still deeper at his ungenerous surmises ; he had pitied the stranger at first, but now he revered him : be turned once more to regard him, but his countenance had udergone a change; the holy enthusiasm that hud lighted mp each feature had given place to an expression of mysterious import : a g^eeun of grandeur seemed to steal across his Gothic visage, and he appeared full of some mighty secret vrhich he hesitated to impart. He raised the tattered nightcap that had sunk almost over his eyes, and waving his withered hand with a slow and feeble expression of dignity — " In me," ;«aid he, with a laconic solemnity, — •' In mo you behold the last de- scendant of the renowned Liukum Fidelius ! " My grand- &ith':r '^o, dat him with reverence; for though he had never beaid c*' lustrioua personage thus pompously announced, yet the a certain black-letter dignity in the name that paculiarky struck his fancy and commanded his respect. ** You have been kind to me," continued the little man in Uack, after a momentary pause, "and richly will I requite your kindness by making you heir to my treasures ! In yon- der large deal box are the volumes of my illustrious ancestor, of whieh I alone am the fortunate possessor. Inherit them —ponder over them, and be wise ! " He grew faint with the exertion he had made, and sunk back almost breathless on his pillow. Hia hand, which, inspired with the importance of his subject, he had raised to my grandfathers arm, slipped from ita hold and fell over the side of the bed, and his faithful dog licked it, as if anxious to soothe the last moments of his mas- ter, and testify his gratitude to the hand that had so often cherished him. The untaught caresses of the faithful animal were not lost upon his dying master; he raised his languid eyes — turned them on the dog, then on my grandfather ; and luiving given this silent recommendation— closed them for ever. The remains of the little man in black, notwithstanding the ol^tions of many pious people, were decently interred in the churchyard of the village ; and his spirit, harmless as the body it once animated, has never been known to molest a living being. My grandfather complied as far as possible with his 333 1CU8TAPHA BUB-A-DUB XBU KHAN last request ; he conveyed the Yolumes of Linknm Fidelias to his library ; he pondered over them frequently; but whether be grew wiser, the tradition does not mention. This much is certain, that his kindness to the poor descendant of Fidelius was amply rewarded by the approbation of his own heart, and the devoted attachment of the old turnspit ; who, transferring his affection from his deceased master to his benefactor, became his constant attendant, and was father to a long line of runty curs that still flourish in the family. And thus was the Cockloft library first enriched by the invaluable folios of the sage Linkum Fidelius. Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-dub Keli Khan to Asem Hacchem, ^principal Slave-driver to his Highness the Bashaw of Tripoli. Though I am often disgusted, my good Asem, with the vices and absurdities of the men of this country, yet the women afford me a world of amusement. Their lively prattle is as diverting as the chattering of the red-tailed parrot ; nor can the green-headed monkey of Timandi equal them in whim and playfulness. But, notwithstanding these valuable qualifica- tions, I am sorry to observe they are not treated with half the attention bestowed on the before-mentioned animals. These infidels put their parrots in cages, and chain their monkeys ; but their women, instead of being carefully shut up in harems and seraglios, are abandoned to the direction of their own rea> son, and suffered to run about in perfect freedom, like other domestic animals : this comes, Asem, of treating their women as rational beings, and allowing them souls. The consequence of this pitiful event may easily be imagined ; they have dege- nerated into all their native wildness, are seldom to be caught at home, and, at an early age, take to the streets and highways, where they rove about in droves, giving almost as much annoy- ance to the peaceable people as the troops of wild dogs that infest our great cities, or the flights of locusts that sometimes spread famine and desolation over whole regions of fertility. This propensity to relapse into pristine wildness convinces me of the untameable disposition of the sex, who may indeed be partially domesticated oy a long course of confinement and restraint, but the moment they are restored to personal free- dom become wild as the young partridge of this country, 10 ASXX BACOHSIL as9 which, though scarcely half hatched, will take to the fields, and nm about with the shell upon its back. Notwithstanding their wildness, however, thej are remark- ably easy of access, and suffer themseWes to be approached, at certain hours of the day, without any symptoms of apprehen- sion ; and I have even happily succeeded in detecting them at their domestic occupations. One of the most important of these consists in thumping vehemently on a kind of musical instrument, and producing a confused, hideous, and indefinable uproar, which they call the description of a battle — a jest, no doubt, for they are wonderfully facetious at times, and make great practice of passing jokes upon strangers. Sometimes mey employ themselves in painting little caricatures of land- scapes, wherein they will display their singular drollery in ban- tering nature fairly out of countenance — representing her tricked out in all the tawdry finery of copper skies, purple rivers, calico rocks, red grass, clouds that look like old clothes set adrift by the tempest, and foxy trees, whose melancholy foliage, drooping and curling most fantastically, reminds me of an undressed periwig, that I have now and then seen hung on a stick in a barber's window. At other times they employ themselves in acquiring a smattering of languages spoken by nations on the other side of the globe, as they find their own language not sufficiently copious to supply their constant de- mands, and express their multifarious ideas. But their most important domestic avocation is to embroider, on satin or mus- lin, flowers of a nondescript kind, in which the great art is to make them as unlike nature as possible ; or to fasten little bits of silver, gold, tinsel, and glass, on long strips of muslin, which they drag after them with much dignity wnenever they go abroad — a fine lady, like a bird of paradise, being estimated by the length of her tail. But do not, my friend, fall into the enormous error of sup- posing that the exercise of these arts is attended with any useful or profitable result : believe me, thou couldst not in- dulge an idea more unjust and ii^urious ; for it appears to be an established maxim among the women of this country, that a lady loses her dignity when she condescends to be use- ful, and forfeits all rank in society the moment she can be convicted of earning a farthing. Their labours, therefore, are directed, not towards supplying their household, but in deck- ing their persons; and — generous souls I — they deck their it ■ 'Wl • 884 MUSTAPB4 BCB-A-OOB KEU KHAN penbns, not so much to please themselves, as to gratify otbcn, particularly strangers. 1 am confident thou wilt stare at tkk, mj good Asem, accustomed as thou art to our Eastern females, who shrink in blushing timidity even from the glances of a lover, and are so chary of their favours, that thoy even seem foarful of hnrishing their smiles too profusely on their ha»> bands. Here, on the contrary, the stranger has the first {dace in female regard, and so far do they carry their hospitality, that I have seen a fine lady slight a dozen tried friends and xeal admirers, who lived in her smiles and made herhappinesa their study, merely to allure the vi^e and wandering glances of a stranger, who viewed her person with indifference, and txeated het advances with contempt. By the whiskers of our BuUime Bashaw, but this is highly flattering to a foreigner ! and thou mayest judge bow particularly pleasing to one who is, like myself, so ardent an admirer of the sex. Far be it from me to condemn this extraordinary manifestation of good- will ; let their own countrymen look to that. Be not alarmed, I conjure thee, my dear Asem, lest I should be tempted hr these beautiful barbarians to break the faith I owe to the three-and-twenty wives from whom my unhapj^ destiny has perhi^ severed me for ever. No, Asem, neither time, nor the bitter succession of misfortunes that pursues me, can shake from my heart the memory of former attachments. I listen with tranquil heart to the strumming and prattling ci these fair syrens; their whimsical paintings touch not liM tender chord of my affections ; and I would still defy their fascinations, though they trailed after them trains as long as the gorgeous trappings which are dragged at the heels of the holy camel of Mecca, or as the tail of the great beast in our prophet's vision, which measured three hundred and forty- nine leagues, two miles, three furlongs, and a hand's breadth in longitude. The dress of these women is, if possible, more eccentric and whimsical than their deportment ; and they take an inordinate pride in certain ornaments, which are probably derived from their savage progenitors. A woman (A this country, dressed out for an exhibition, is loaded with as many ornaments as a Circassian slave when brought out for sale. Their heads are tricked out with little bits of horn or shell, cut into fantastic shapes, and they seem to emulate each other in the number of these singular baubles, like the women we have seen in < TO ASZH HACCBXIC 386 joomejrs to Aleppo, who cover their heads with the entire shell of ft tortoise, cm, thus equipped, are the envy <^ all their less fortunate acquaintance. They also decorate their necks and etn with coral, gold chains, and glass beads, and load their fingers with a variety of rings; though, I most confess, I have sever perceived that they wear any in their noses, as has been affirmed by many travellers. We have heard much of their painting themselves most hideously, and making use of bears* grease in great profusion, but this, I solemnly assure thee, is a misrepresentation : civilizaion, no doubt, having gradually extirpated these nauseous practices. It is true, I have seen two or three of these females who had disguised their features with paint, but then it was merely to give a tinge of red to their cheeks, and did not look very frightful ; and as to ointment, they rarely use any now, except occasionally a little Grecian oil for their hair, which gives it a glossy, greasy, and, as they think, very comely appearance. The last-mentioned class of females, I take it for granted, have been but lately caught, ftnd still retain strong traits of their original savage propen- Mties. The most flagrant and inexcusable fault, however, which I find in these lovely savages, is the shameless and abandoned esposure of their persons. Wilt thou not suspect me of ex- ■ggsration when I affirm — wilt not thou blush for them, most d^reet Mussulman, when I declare to thee — that they are so kMt to all sense of modesty, as to expose the whole of their ftces from tb^ forehead to the chin, and they even go abroad with their handi uncovered ! Monstrous indelicacy ! But what I am going to disclose will doubtless appear to thee still more incredible. Though I cannot forbear paying a tribute of admiration to the beautiful faces of these fair infi- dels, yet I must give it as my firm opinion that their persona are preposterously unseemly. In vain did I look around me, on my first lauding, for those divine forms of redundant pro- pmtions, which answer to the true standard of Eastern beauty — not a single fat £aur one could I behold among the multitudes that thronged the streets : the females that passed in review before me, tripping sportively along, resembled a procession of shadows, returning to their graves at the crowing of the cock. This meagreness I first ascribed to their ecicessive volu- lnlity» for I hare somewhere seen it advanced by a learned 4ootor, tha!t the sex were endowed with a peculkr activity of S88 MUSTAPHA BUB-A-DUB KEU KHAN TO A8EK HAOCHEM. tongue, in order that they might practise talking as a healthful exercise, necessary to their confined and sedentary mode of life. This exercise, it was natural to suppose, would he carried to great excess in a logocracy . " Too true," thought I ; " they have converted what was undoubtedly meant as a beneficent gift into a noxious habit, that steals the flesh from their bones and the rose from their cheeks— they absolutely talk themselves thin ! " Judge then of my surprise when 1 was assured, not long since, tbuett this meagreness was considered the perfection of personal beauty, and that many a lady starved herself with all the obstinate perseverance of a pious dervise, into a fine figure ! " Nay, more," said my informer, " they will often sacrifice their healths in this eager pursuit of skeleton beauty, and drink vinegar, eat pickles, and smoke tobacco, to keep themselves within the scanty outlines of the fashion." Faugh? Allah preserve me from such beauties, who contaminate their pure blood with noxious recipes ; who impiously sacrifice the nest gifts of Heaven to a preposterous and mistaken vanity. Ere long I shall not be surprised to see them scarring their faces like the negroes of Congo, flattening their noses in imitation of the Hottentots, or like the barbarians of Ab-al Timar, distorting their lips and ears out of all natural dimen- sions. Since I received this information, I cannot contemplate a fine figure without thinking of a vinegar cruet ; nor look at a dashing belle without fancying her a pot of pickled cucum- bers ! What a difierence, my friend, between these shades and the plump beauties of Tripoli ! What a contrast between an infidel fair one and my favourite wife, Fatima, whom I bought by the hundredweight, and had trundled home in a wheelbarrow ! But enough for the present; I am promised a faithful account of the arcana of a lady's toilette — a complete initia- tion into the arts, mysteries, spells, and potions; in short, the whole chemical process by which she reduces herself down to the most fasnionable standard of insignificance ; to- gether with specimens of the strait-waistcoats, the lacings, uie bandages, and the various ingenious instruments with which she puts nature to the rack, and tortures herself into i^ pr^er figure to be admired. Farewell, thou sweetest of slave-drivers ! The echoes that repeat to a lover's ear the song of his mistress are not more soothing than tidings from those we love. Let thy answer to sucere IHTBODUOnOM TO THK NUMBBR. 337 my letters be speedj ; and never, I pray thee, for a moment cease to watch over the prosperity of my house, and the wel- fare of my beloved wives. Let Uiem want for nothing, my friend, but feed them plentifully on honey, boiled rice, and water gruel, so that when I return to the blessed land of my fathers, if that can ever be, I may find them improved in size and loveliness, and sleek as the graceful elephants that range the green valley of Abimar. Ever thme, Mustafha. No. XIX.— THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1807. FROM MT ELBOW-CHAIR. Havino returned to town, and once more formally taken pos- session of my elbow-chair, it behoves me to discard the rural feelings and the rural sentiments in which I have for some time past indulged, and devote myself more exclusively to the edification of the town. As I feel at this moment a chivalric spark of gallantry playing around my heart, and one of those dulcet emotions of coraiality which an old bachelor will some* times entertain towards the divine sex, I am determined to gratify the sentiment for once, and devote this number ex> clusively to the ladies. I would not, however, have our fair readers imagine that we wish to flatter ourselves into their good graces; devoutly as we adore them, — and what true cavalier does not? — and heartily as we desire to flourish in the mild sunshine of their smiles, yet we scorn to insinuate ourselves into their favour, unless it be as honest friends, siocere well-wishers, and disinterested advisers. If in the course of this number they find us rather prodigal of our encomiums, they will have the modesty to ascribe it to the excess of their own merits; if they find us extremely in- dulgent to their faults, they will impute it rather to the superabundance of our good-nature, than to any servile and illiberal fear of giving offence. The following letter of Mus* tapha falls in exactly with the current of my purpose. As I have before mentioned that his letters are without dates, we are obliged to give them very irregularly, without any regard to chronological order. The present one appears to have been written not long after his arrival, and antecedent to several already published. It is more in the familiar and colloquial style than the others. Will Wizard declares he has translated it with fidelity, ex- S88 HU8TAFHA HCB-A-DUB MXU KBUT II eepting tliat be baa onitted several remarks on the waits, which the hjoest Massulman ealoguses with great enthmiasin; comparing it to certain voluptuous dances oi the seraglio. Will regretted exceedingly that the indelicacy of sevend of these obser%-ation8 compelled their total exclusion, as he wishes to give all possible encouragement to this popular and amiable ejdubition. Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-dub Keu Khan to Mulet Heltm al Raogi, surnamed the Agreeable Ragamuffin, chief Mountebank and Buffo-daneer to hit Highneu. The numerous letters which I have written to our friend the slave-driver, as well as those to thy kinsman the Snortr, and which doubtless were read to thee, honest Mulej, have in all probability awakened thy curiosity to know further particidara concerning the manners of the barbarians who hold me in such ignominious captivity. I was lately at one of their public ceremonies, which, at first, perplexed me exceedinglj as to its object ; but as the explanations of a friend have let me somewhat into the secret, and as it seems to bear no small analogy to thy profession, a description of it may contribate to thy amusement, if not to thy instruction. A few days since, just as I had finished my coffee, and was perfuming my whiskers, preparatory to a morning walk, I was waited upon by an inkaoitant of diis place, a gay yonng in- fidel, who has of late cultivated my acquaintance. He pre- sented me with a square bit of painted pasteboard, whidi, he informed me, would entitle me to admittance to the ckjf OBsembly. Curious to know the meaning of a phrase which was entirely new to me, I requested an ex{^Umation ; when. my friend informed me that the assembly was a numerom concourse of young people of both sexes, who, on certain occasions, gathered together to dance about a large room with violent gesticulation, and try to out-dress each other. " In short," said he, " if you wish to see the natives in all their glory, there 's no place like the city asteinbly: so you must go there and sport your whiskers." Though the matter of sportr ing ray whiskers was considerably above my apprehensioB, yet I now began, as I thought, to understand turn. I had heiird of the war danees of the natives, iriiich are a kind ef religious institution, and had little doubt but that this must be a solemnity of the kind— upon a prodigious great seale. Anxioi: situatic more t and ap as is n oat exc Itwi friend infidels, the aid their pi decent the lan( en expr( a degree witness. over my ginatiMi of Dom taught t: of demei of Mecci threshoh being ui here! su the ely& descripti] Whereve dazzled fluttered! iogsuchf our holyl thy frien/ scene hei the met heart; charms iato thf.^ chantedTl variety never st recreant I n> MUUCT HEUM AL BAOOI. Anxious as I am to contemplate these strange people in every situation, I willingly acceded to bis proposal ; and to be t^ more at ease, I determined to lay aside my Turkish dress, and appear in pkun garments of the fashion of this country* as is my custom whenever I wish to mingle in a crowd with- oat exciting the attention of the gaping multitude. It was long after the shades of night bad fallen before my friend appeared to conduct me to the assembly. " These infidels," thought I, "shroud themselves in mystery, and seek the aid of gloom and daritness to heighten the solemnity of their pious oi^gies." Resolving to conduct myself with that decent respect which every stranger owes to the customs of tile land in which he sojourns, 1 chastised my features into an expression of sober reverence, and stretched my face into a degree of longitude suitable to the ceremony I was about to witness. Spite of myself, I felt an emotion of awe stealing over my senses as I approached the majestic pile. My ima> ginati(Mi pictured something similar to a descent into the cave of Dom-Daniel, where the necromancers of the East are taught their infernal arts. I entered with the same gravity of demeanour that I would have approached the holy temple of Mecca, and bowed my head three times as I passed the threshold. " Head of the mighty Amrou ! " thought I, on being ushered into a spWidid saloon, " what a display is here ! surely I am transported to the mansion of the Houris, the elysium of the iaitfaful ! " How tame appeared all the descriptions of endianted palaces in our Arabian poetry! Wherever I turned my eyes, the <{vaek ghmees of beauty dazzled my vision and ravished my heart: lovely virgins fluttered by me, darting imperial looks of conquest, or hom- ing such smiles of mvitadon as did Gabriel when be beckoned our holy prophet to heaven. Shall I own the weakness of thy friend, good Mi:dey ? — while thus gazing on the enchanted scene before me, I for a moment forgot my country, and even the memory of my three-and-twenty wives &ded &om my heart ; my thoughts were bewildered and led astn^ by Ae charms of these bewitdung savages ; and I mnk, for awiulei, into that delicious state of mind whore the senses, all ea- dianted, and all striving for mastery, product an endleM variety of tumultaeoa yet pleasing emotiona. Oh, Muley, never shall I again wonder that an infidel should preva a recreant to the single solitary wife allotted him, idwn wna i 340 XU8TAPIIA BUD-A-DVB XXU XHAX thy friend, armed with all the precepts of Mahomet, can so easily prove faithless to three-and-twenty. " Whither have you led me?" said I, at length, to my com- panion ; " and to whom do these beautiful creatures belong ? certainly this must be the seraglio of the grand bashaw of the city, and a most happy bashaw must he be to possess treasures which even his Highness of Tripoli cannot parallel." " Have a care," cried my companion, " now you talk about seraglios, or you 11 have all these gentle nymphs about your ears ; for seraglio is a word which, beyond all others, they abhor : — most of them," continued he, " have no lord and master, but come here to catch one — they 're in the market, as we term it." "Ah, ah!" said I, exultingly, "then you really have a fair, or slave-market, such as we have in the East, where the faithful are provided with the choicest virgins of Georgia and Gircassia? By our glorious sun of Afric, but I should like to select some ten or a dozen wives from so lovely an assem- blage ! pray what would you suppose they might be bought fbrV"-— Before I could receive an answer, my attention was at- tracted by two or three good-looking middle-sized men, who being dressed in black, a colour universally worn in this country by the muftis and dervises, I immediately concluded to bo high-priests, and was confirmed in my original opinion that this was a religious ceremony. These reverend person- ages are entitled managers, and eigoy unlimited authority in the assemblies, being armed with swords, with which, I am told, they would infallibly have put any lady to death who infringed the laws of the temple. They walked round the room with great solemnity, and, with an air of profound im- portance and mystery, put a little piece of folded paper in each fair hand, which I concluded were religious talismans. One of them dropped on the floor, whereupon I slily put my foot on it, and, watching an opportunity, picked it up unob- served, and found it to contain some unintelligible words, and the mystic number 9. What were its virtues I know not ; except that I put it in my pocket, and have hitherto been preserved from my fit of the lumbago, which I generally have about this season of the year, ever since I tumbled into the well of Zim-zim, on my pilgrimage to Mecca. I inclose it to thee in this letter, presuming it to be particularly serviceable against the dangers of thy profession. Short] high-pri( miyesty, of music musician) The com] apparent Tfiom, an< fight pen into some astonishn concluded their head ing in exti heels into of the east to the sun ment to se and shriek seemed m( formed the was peculii exemplarjt their gestic feelings, n countenano their antics , "And pi this splend — jou, mea every seasoi see yonder, of adorers a santest deit travels ; _ —why, her ^sper in friend, with an error coi now in a pla and the pret and grotesqu •S( TO XULET HEUM AL BAOOl. 341 Shortly after the distribution of these talismans, one of the high-priests stalked into the middle of the room with great miyesty, and clapped his hands three times ; a loud explosion of music succeeded from a number of black, yellow, and white musicians, perched in a kind of cage over the grand entrance. The company were thereupon thrown into great confusion and apparent consternation. They hurried to and fro about tho ipom, and at length formed themselves into littie groikps o\ eight persons, half male and half female : — the music r<,. ack into something like harmony, and, in a moment, to my utter astonishment and dismay, they were all seized with whaf. I concluded to be a paroxysm of religious frenzy, tossing shoal their heads in a ludicrous style from side to side, and induig^ ing in extravi^ant contortions of figure ; — now throwing tb nr heels into the air, and anon whirling round with the veioch'y of the eastern idolaters, who think they pay a grateful Ivucjage to the sun by imitating his motions. I expected evor} mo- ment to see them fall down in convulsions, foam at the mouth, and shriek with fancied inspiration. As usual, the females seemed most fervent in their religious exercises, and per- formed them with a melancholy expression of feature that was peculiarly touching; but I was highly gratified by tho exemplarji conduct of several male devotees, who, though their gesticulations would intimate a wild merriment of the feelmgs, maintained throughout as inflexible a gravity of countenance as so many monkeys of the island of Borneo at their antics. , " And pray," said I, " who is the divinity that presides iu this splendid mosque '?" — "The divinity! Oh, I un<*w: cnwd — ^you;mean the belle of the evening; we have a rew one every season. .The one at present in fiEishion is that lady yon see yonder, dress/^4 in white, with pink ribbons, «!)i ^:. ('to«,'d of adorers aroundrher." " Truly," cried I, " '^hiK 's the plea- santest deity I have encountered in the whol ; courao of my travels ; — so famiUar, so condescending, aud so merry withal ; — why, her very worshippers take her by the hand, and ntj^sper in her ear." — "My good Mussulman," replied roy^ fnend, with great gravity, " I perceive you are completely in an error concerning the intent of this ceremony. You are now in a place of public amusement, not of public worship ; — and the pretty-looking young men you see making such violent and grotesque distortions, are merely indulging in our favourite B 3> ■vi!iii".vi 848 VUSTAFHA RUB-A-DUB KEU KHAN amusement of dancing." " I cry your inzecy" exclaimed I, "these then are the dancing men and women of the town, such as we have in our principal cities, who hire themselves out for the entertainment of the wealthy; — but, pray who pays them for this fatiguing exhibition ?" — My friend regard- ed me for a moment with an air of whimsical perplexity, as if doubtful whether I was in jeat or in earnest—" 'Sblood, man," cried he, " these are some of our greatest people, our fiuhionables, who are merely dancing here for amusement" Dancing for amtuement! think of that, Muley ! — thou, whose greatest pleasure is to chew opium, smoke tobacco, loll on a eouch, and dose thyself into the regions of the Houris ! — Dancing for amusement ! — shall I never cease having occasion to laugh at the absurdities of these barbarians, who are labo- rious in their recreations, and indolent only in their hours of business? — Dancing for amusement! — the very idea makes my bones ache, and I never think of it without being obliged to apply my handkerchief to my forehead, and fan myself into some degree of coolness. " And pray," said I, when my astonishment had a little subsided, " do these musicians also toil for amusement, or are they confined to their cage, like birds, to sing for the gratifi- cation of others ? I should think the former was the 6ase, from the animation with which they flourish their elbows." " Not so," repKed my friend, " they are well paid, which is no more than just, for I assure you they are the most important personages in the room. The fiddler puts the whole assembly in motion, and directs their movements, like the master of a puppet-show, who sets all his pasteboard gentry kicking by a jerk of his fingers. There now—look at that dapper little Sentleman yonder, who appears tc be suffering the pangs of islooation in every limb : he is the most expert puppet in the room, and performs, not so much for his own amusement, as for that of tne bystanders." — Just then, the little gentle* man, having finished one of his paroxysms of activity, seemed to be looking round for applause from the spectators. Feel- ing myself really much obliged to him for his exertions, I made him a low bow of thanks, but nobody followed my example, which I thought a singular instance of ingratitude. Thou wilt perceive, friend Muley, that the dancing of these barbarians is totally different fmm the science professed by thee, in Tripoli ; the country, in fact, is aflSUcted by numerout •pidevak GUy to c the mos efaiefly t people o eheerful infected epidemic, instead o decide w] ibr the la Fnuace, a bi»gofcofl Ae more their mali ead expoa more fata Simoom b I know ohdy, to V up to the t paces, and man of coi they jump — then th( whirl rouE Mid ridicu on the ot they call c capers of t must be s who is SOD teting the intervals fi off, faint, —rattles cold perspi ing, if she languid in neither giv lies to anot the hght, tl TO mOlMI HBUM AL BAQQU MS our is no K>rUnt lembly ar of a little ings of ipet in ement, gentle* eemed Foel- ions, I ed my tude. f these sed by meroue ^idemical diseases, which travel from house to house, from city to city, with the regularity of a caravan. Among these the most formidable is this dancing mania, which prevails ehiefly throughout the winter. It at first seized on a few people of fashion, and being indulged in moderutiun, was a eheerful exercise ; but in a little time, by quick advances, it infected all classes of the community, and became a raging epidemic. The doctors immediately, as is their usual way, instead of devising a remedy, fell together by the ears, to decide whether it was native or imported ; and the sticklers for the latter opinion traced it to a cargo of trumpet^ from France, as they had before hunted down the yellow fever to a bag of coffee from the West Indies. What makes this disease Ihe more formidable is, that the patients seem infatuated with their malady, abandon themselves to its unbounded ravages, , and expose their persons to wintry storms and midnight airs, more fatal, in this capricious climate, than the withering Simoom blast of the desert I know not whether it is a sight most whimsical or melan- choly, to witness a fit of this dancing malady. The lady hops up to the gentleman, who stands at the distance of about three paces, and then capers back again to her place ; — the gentle- man of course does the same ; then they skip one way, then ther jump another — then they turn their backs to each other ; •—then ther seize each other and shake hands; — then they wikirl round, and throw themselves into a thousand grotesque and ridiculous attitudes ; — sometimes on one leg, sometimea on the other, and sometimes on no leg at all : —and thia they call exhibiting the graces ! By the nineteen thousand capers of the great m^uitebank of Damascus, but these graces must be something like the crooked-backed dwarf Shabrao, who is sometimes permitted to amuse his Highness by imi- tafing the tricks of a monkey. These fits continue at short intervals from four to five hours, till at last the lady is led off, faint, languid, exhausted, and panting, to her carriage ; —rattles home; — passes a night of feverish restlessness, cold perspirations, and troubled sleep : nses late next morn- ing, if she rises at all; is nervous, petulant, or a prey to languid indifference all day ; a mere household spectre, neither giving nor receiving enjoyment ; in the evening hur- ries to another dance ; receiven an unnatural exhilaration from the light, the music, the crowd, and the unmeaning bustle i*— ad 4\i'}^ %u IfUSTAPHA TO MULET HELIX AL BAOOI. flutters, sparkles, and blooms for a while, until, the transient delirium being past, the infatuated maid droops and languishes into apathy again ;— is again led off to her carriage, and the next morning rises to go through exactly the same joyless routine. And yet, wilt thou believe it, my dear Baggi, these are rational beings ; nay more, their countrymen would fain per* Buade me they have souls ! Is it not a thousand times to be lamented that beings, endowed with charms that might warm even the frigid heart of a dervise ; — with social and endearing powers, that would render them the joy and pride of the harem ; — should surrender themselves to a habit of heartless dissipation, which preys imperceptibly on the roses of the cheek ; which robs the eye of its lustre, the mouth of its dimpled smile, the spirits of their cheerful hilarity, and the lim^ of their elastic vigour ; — which hurries them off in the spring-time of existence ; or, if they survive, yields to the arms of a youthful bridegroom a frame wrecked in the storms of dissipation, and struggling with premature infirmity. Alas, Muley ! may I not ascribe to this cause the number 6f little old women I meet with in this country, from the age of eighteen to eight-and-twenty? In sauntering down the room, my attention was attracted by a smoky painting, which, on nearer examination, I found consisted of two female figures crowning a bust with a wreath of laurel. " This, I suppose," cried I, " was some famous dancer in his time ?" — " no," replied my friend, *• he was only a general." — " Good ; but then he must have been great at a cotillon, or expert at a fiddle-stick— or why is his memo- rial here ?" *' Quite the contrary," answered my companion ; " history makes no mention of his ever having flourished a fiddle-stick, or figured in a single dance. You have, no doubt, heard of him : he was the illustrious Washington, the father and deliverer of his country ; and, as our nation is remarkable for gratitude to great men, it always does honour to their memory, by placing their monuments over the doors of taverns, or in the comers of dancing-rooms." From thence my friend and I strolled into a small apart- ment adjoining the grand saloon, where I beheld a number of arave>looking persons, with venerable gray heads, but without beards, which I thought very unbecoming, seated round a table studying hieroglyphics. I approaohed them with revs- iwtee, as expound t threw dow for some a hishierogl ballets an pocket. thought I - mortalized round on a me, and ii who had u agreeable. you, make ^ nations, or toil, worry, name of pie being agree and pick m^ good-will !" Nowl Fori The winter her numeroi and drum, to hasten fr where they from the ones have this tutelary the few pale ful retreat. is shuffling spangling m ehapeatuf bt figuring in Now the fin lashionablo n TKTBODVCTIOR TO TBS WIKTKR CAMPAIOM. 345 ftnce, as so manj magi, or learned men, enleavouring to expound the mysteries of Egyptian science : several of them threw down money, which I supposed was a reward proposed for some great discovery ; when presently one of them spread his hieroglyphics on the tahle, exclaimed, triumphantly, " Two bullets and a bragger!" and swept all the money into his pocket. "He has discovered a key to the hieroglyphics," thought I— "happy mortal! do doubt his name will be im- mortalized." Willing, however, to be satisfied, I looked round on my companion with an inquiring eye : he understood me, and informed me that these were a company of friends, who had met together to win each other's money and be agreeable. " Is that all ?" exclaimed I ; " why, then, I pray you, make way, and let me escape from this tomple of abomi- nations, or who knows but these people, who meet together to toil, worry, and fatigue themselves to death, and give it the name of pleasure— and wno win each other's money by way of being agreeable — may some one of them take a liking to me, and pick my pocket, or break my head in a paroxysm of hearty good-will !" Thy friend, Mustapha. BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. Nunc eat bibendum, nunc pede libero. Ful«nds tellot. — Hor. Now is th« tyme for wine and myrthful tportee, For daunce, and wng, and dUportei of tyche sortes.— Lihk. Fid. The winter campaign has opened. Fashion has summoned her numerous legions at the sound of trumpet, tambourine, and drum, and all the harmonious minstrelsy of the orchestra, to hasten from the dull, silent, and insipid glades and groves, where they have vegetated during the summer ; recovering from the ravages of the last winter's campaign. Our fair ones have hurried to town, eager to pay their devotions to this tutelary deity, and to make an offering at her shrine of the few pale and transient roses ihey gathered in their health- ful retreat. The fiddler rosins his bow — the card-table devotee is shuffling her pack — the young ladies are industriously spangling muslins — and the teu-party heroes are airing their ehap«au» brat and pease-blossom breeches, to prepare for figuring in the gay circle of smiles, and graces, and beauty. Now the fine lady forgets her country friends in the hurry of fiwhionable engagement*, or receives the simple intruder, who mimm 946 INTBODUCTION TO THE WIKTBR OAXTAieW. has foolishlj accepted her thousand pressing inritatioDS, widi snch politeness, that the poor soul determines never to come again : — now the gaj buck, who erst figured at Balbton an4 quaffed the pure spring, exchanges the sparkling water for still more sparkling champagne, and deserts the nymph of the fountain to enlist under the standard of jolly Bacchna. In short, now is the important time of the year in which to harangue the bon-ton reader ; and, like tome ancient hero in front of the battle, to spirit him up to deeds of noble darings or still more noble tufiaing, in the ranks of fashionalale warfare. Buch, indeed, has been my intention ; but the number of cases which have lately come before me, and the variety of complaints I have received from a crowd of honest and well- meaning correspondents, call for more immediate attention. A host of appeals, petitions, and letters of advice, are now before me : and I believe the shortest way to satisfy my peti- tioners, memorialists, and advisers, will be to puUish their letters, as I suspect the olgect of most of them is merely ta get into print trO iLNTHONY ETEBOREEK, OEKT. Sib, — As you appear to have taken to yourself the trouble of meddling in tne concerns of the beau^monde, I take the liberty of appealing to yon on a subject, which, though consi- dered merely as a very gov~d joke, has occasioned me great vexation and expense. You must know I pride myself on being very useful to the ladies— that is, I take boxes fur them at the theatre, go shopping with them, supply them with bou- quets, and furnish them with novels from the circulating library. In consequence of these attenticms I am become a great favourite, and there is seldom a party gohtg on in the city without my having an invitation. The grievance I have to mention is the exchange of hats which takes place on these occasions ; for, to speak my mind freely, there are certain young , gentlemen who seem to consider fashionable parties as mere places to barter old clothes : and I am informed, that a num- ber of them manage, by this great system of exchange, to keep their crowns decently covered without their hatten mI^ fering in the least by it It was but lately that I went to a privtte ball with a aesv hat, And on returning in the latter part of the evening, ani aaldng fo informed hour sin< was in th than go li Now I Ittving th not be ad tion, as i prohibite<^ to discouj paper, tha My con mined to i apart Sati larcenies. Mr. En may lawful when she authorize can yousai Deab A great hurr) to a prodig htt, a clotl aooordinglj pandons ; excuse me,| answered little sum covered th«| Trollop: I old bachelc always boal Mr. Evei nries, to wallT, if tl at a loss tol know your [ uriBoovoTKu; to the wnrrxB OAMPiiev. 347 askiDg for it, the scoundrel of a senrant, with a broad grin, informed me that the new hats had been dealt out half an hour since, and thej were then on the third quality ; and I was in the end obliged to borrow a young lady's beaver rather than go home with any of the ragged remnants that were left. Now I would wish to know if there is no possibility of having these offenders punished by law ; and whether it would not be advisable for ladies to mention in their cards of invita- tion, as a postscript, " Stealing hats and shawls pontivelj prohibitei* ' — ^At any rate, I would thank yon, Mr. Evergreen, to discountenance the thing totally, by publishing in your paper, that stealing a hat is no joke. Your humble servant, Waltcb Wixhsbs. My correspondent is informed that the police have deter- mined to take this matter into consideration, and have set apart Saturday mornings for the cognisance of fashionable larcenies. Mb. Evergreen, — Sir, — Do you think a married woman may lawfully put her husband right in a story, before strangers, when she knows him to be in the wrong ? and can anything authorize a wife in the exclamation of " Lord, my dear, how can you say so ! ** Maboaret Tim bon . Dear Amthont,— Going down Broadway this morning in a great hurry, I run full against an object which at first put me to a prodigious nonplus. Observing it to be dressed in a man's hat, a cloth overcoat, and spatterdashes, I framed my apology accordingly, exclaiming, " My dear sir, I ask ten thousand pardons ; I assure you, eir, it was entirely accidental ; pmj, excuse me, sir," Ac. At eyery one of these exouaee the tbing answered me with a downright laugh ; at which I was not % little surprised, until, on resorting to my pocket glass, I dia- oovered that it was no other than my old acquaintance Clarinda Trollop ; I never was more chagrined in my life ; for, heing an old bachelor, I like to appear as young as possible, and am always boasting of the goodness of my eyes. I beg nl jon, Mr. Evergreen, if you have any feeling for your oontampo- laries, to aiscourage this hermaphrodite mode of dnaa ; for, reallv, if the fashion take, we poor hadielon will be ntltrlj at a loss to distinguish a woman from a man. Pray let ma know your opinion, air, whether a ladj who wean a iMa'a htli mm 348 IMTBODUCTIOlf TO TBS WllfTEB CAMPAIGN. and spatterdashes before marriage, may not be apt to usurp some other article of his dress i^terwards. Your humble servant, Rodebio Wobbt. Deab Mb. Evergreen, — The other night, at Richard the Third, I sat behind three gentlemen, who talked very loud on the subject of Richard's wooing Lady Ann directly in the face of his crimes against that lady. One of them declared such an unnatural scene would be hooted at in China. Pray, sir, Vfas that Mr. Wizard ? Selima Badoeb. P.S. — The gentleman I allude to had a pocket-glass, and vore his hair fastened behind by a tortoise>shell comb, with two teeth wanting. Mb. Eveborin, — Sir, — Being a little curious in the affairs of the toilette, I was much interested by the sage Mustapha's remarks, in your last number, concerning the art of manufac- turing a modem fine lady. I would have you caution your fair readers, however, to be very careful in the management of their machinery, as a deplorable accident happened last assem- bly, in consequence of the architecture of a lady's figure not being sufficiently strong. In the middle of one of the cotil- lons, the company was suddenly alarmed by a tremendous •crash at the lower end of the room ; and, on crowding to the {place, discovered that it was a fine figure which had un- fortunately broken down from too great exertion in a pigeon- wing. By great good luck I secured the corset, which I car^ ,ried home in triumph ; and the next morning had it publicly ••dissected, and a lecture read on it at Surgeons' Hall. I have •since commenced a dissertation on the subject, in which I ••hall treat of the superiority of those figures manufactured by steel, stay-tape, and whalebone, to those formed by Dame Nature. I shall show clearly that the Venus de Medicis has no pretension to beauty of form, as she never wore stays, and her waist is in exact proportion to the rest of her body. I ■hall inquire into the mysteries of compression, and how tight a figure can be laced without danger of fainting ! and whether it would not be advisable for a lady, when dressing for a ball, to be attended by the family physician, as culprits are when tortured on the rack, to know how much more nature will en- dure. I shall prove that ladies have discovered the secret of ihai notorious juggler, who offered to squeeze himself into a qnart bo every faa purchasir an old ag shall be i among tl who are i move lik< In the mc in the mi tor; wher Are fond o P.S.— I fine figure than three a gentle si smile with must nevei I»rt of a ^ since, a you was the en secret, and Mr. Evi gemmen wh world. I ha and long bi from Philac hoots are si Broadway wi procure, anc clothes, and ball to whic that I might in consequei I have Utely tail, on whic who exhibit ftnd take a o dollars per a out in vain, IKTBODCCnOM TO THE WINTBB CAMFAIOM. 249 un- ieon« Lato a quart botUe ; and I shall demonstrate, to the satisfaction of every £uhionable reader, that there is a degree of heroism in purchasing a preposterously slender waist at the expense of an old age of aecrepitude and rheumatics. This dissertation shall be published, as soon as finished, and distributed gratis among the boarding-school madams, and all worthy matrons who are ambitious that their daughters should sit straight, move like clock-work, and " do credit to their bringing up." In the mean time, I have hung up the skeleton of the corset in the museum, beside a dissected weasel, and stuffed alliga- tor ; where it may be inspected by all those naturalists who are fond of studying the " human form divine." Yours, &c. Jdluk Coomous. P.S. — By accurate calculation I find it is dangerous for a fine figure, when full dressed, to pronounce a word of more than three syllables. Fine Figure, if in love, may indulge in a gentle sigh ; but a sob is hazardous. Fine Figure may smile with safety, may even venture as far as a giggle ; but must never risk a loud laugh. Figure must never play the part of a confidante ; as at a tea-party, some five evenings since, a young ladv whose unparalleled impalpability of waist was the envy of the drawing-room, burst with an important secret, and liad three ribs of her corset fractured on the spot ! Mk. EyFRaREEN, — Sir, — I am one of those industrious gemmen who labour hard to obtain currency in the fashionable world. I have gone to great expense in little boots, short vests, and long breeches : my coat is regularly imported per stage from Philadelphia, duly insured against all risks, and my boots are smuggled from Bond Street. I have lounged in Broadway with one of the most crooked walking-sticks I could procure, and have sported a pair of salmon-coloured small- clothes, and flame-coloured stockings, at every concert and ball to which I could purchase admission. Being affeared that I might possibly appear to less advantage as a pedestrian, in consequence of my oeing rather short, and a little bandy, I have lately hired a tall horse, with cropped ears and a cocked tail, on which I have joined the cavalcade of pretty gemmen, who exhibit bright stirrups every fine morning in Broadway, and take a canter of two miles per dajr, at the rate of 300 dollars per annum. But, sir, all this expense has been laid out in vain, for I can scarcely get a partner at an assembly. ; ill 250 TEA, A POEM. or an invitation to a tea-party. Praj, sir, inform me what more I can do to acquire admission into the true styUah cir- cles, and whether it would not be adTisable to charter a curri- cle for a month, and have my cypher put on it, as is done by certain dashers of my acquaintance. Yours to serve, Maltouo Dubsixb. TEA, A POBlt, FBOM THE MILL OF PIKDAB COCKLOFT, X8Q., And eanuady reeommendml to the gffmft o n nf mil MaiigM Has deprived you of all those gay dreams that would dance In your brains at fifteen, and your bosoms entrance— And has forced you almost to renounce in despair The hope of a husband s affection and care — Since such is the case, and a case rather hard ! Permit one who holds you in special regard To funiish such hints in your loveloss estate As may shelter your names from detraction and hate. Too often our maidens, grown aged I ween. Indulge to excess in the workings of spleen. And at times, when annoy'd by the slights of mankind. Work off their resentment — ^by speaking their Bund : Assemble together in snuff-taking clan. And hold round the tea-urn a solemn divan. A convention of tattling — a tea-par^ hight. Which, like meeting of witches, is brew d up at sight : Where each matron arrives, fraught with tales of aurpriae. With knowing suspicion and doubtful surmise ; Like the broomatick-whirrd hags that appear ia '* Maobetk,** Each bearing some relic of venom or death, ** To stir np the toil and to dofable the tnnrijlB, That fire may bum, and that caldron vuarf babble." TS4, A POKM. rh>t cir- ttfri- eby your dance d, t: rpriia, obetk** When the paortj commences, all starcb'd and all glam. They talk of the weather, their corns, or sit mum : They will tell you of cambric, of ribands, of lace, How cheap they were sold — ^and will name yon the place ; They discourse of their colds, and they hem, and they eoqgh. And complain of their servants, to pass the time off; Or list to the tale of some doating mamma. How her ten-weeks old baby will laugh and say taal But tea, that enlivener of wit and of soul — More loquacious by far than the draughts of the bowl. Soon unloosens the tongue, and enlivens the mind. And enlightens their eyes to the faults of mankind. Twas thus with the Pythia, who served at the fount That flow'd near the far-famed Parnassian monnl^ While the steam was inhaled of the sulphuric spring, Her vision expanded, her fancy took wing ; By its aid she pronounced the oracular wul That Apollo commanded his sons to fulfil. But alas ! the sad vestal, performing the rite^ Appear'd like a demon — terrific to sight. E'en the priests of Apollo averted their eyes, And the temple of Delphi resounded her cries. But quitting the nymph of the tripod of yore, We return to the dames of the tea-pot once more. In harmless chit-chat an acquaintance they roast, And serve up a friend, as they serve up a toast ; Some gentle fawB pas, or some female mistake, Is like sweetmeats delicious, or relished as cake ; A bit of broad scandal is like a dry crust, It would stick in the throat, so they butter it first With a little affected good nature, and cry " Nobody regrets the thing deeper than I." Our young ladies nibble a good name in play, As for pastime they nibble a biscuit away : While with shrugs and surmises, the toothless old dMne, As she mumbles a crust, she will aaunUde a : And Oil the fell sisters astonish'd the Scot, In predicting of Ban^uo's descendants tke lot, Making shadows of kings, amid flaahet of light, To appear in array and to frown in hat ii^it. 253 TKA, A POBX. So they conjure up spectres all hideous in hue. Which, as shades of their neighbours, are pass'd in review. The wives of our cits of inferior degree Will soak up repute in a little bohea ; The potion is vulgar, and vulgar the slang With which on their neighbours' defects they harangue ; But the scandal improves, a refinement in wrong ! As our matrons are richer, and rise to souchong. With hyson — a beverage that s still more refined. Our lames of fashion enliven their mind : And by nods, inuendoes, and hints, and what not, Beputations and tea send together to pot. While madam in cambrics and laces array'd, With her plate and her liveries in splendid parade. Will drink in imperial a friend at a sup. Or in gunpowder blow them by dozens all up. Ah me ! how I groan, when with full swelling sail Wafted stately along by the favouring gale, A China ship proudly arrives in our bay. Displaying her streamers and blazing away. Oh ! more fell to our port is the cargo she bears That grenadoes, torpedoes, or warlike affairs : Each chest is a bombshell thrown into our town. To shatter repute and bring character down. Ye Samquas, ye Ohinquas, ye Ghouquas, so free, Who discharge on our coast your curs'd quantums of tea. Oh ! think as ye waft the sad weed from your strand. Of the plagues and vexations ye deal to our land. As the Upas' dread breath, o'er the plain where it flies, Empoisons and blasts each green blade that may rise, So, wherever the leaves of your shrub find their way, The social affections soon suffer decay : Like to Java's drear waste they embarren the heart, Till the blossoms of love and of friendship depart. Ah, ladies, and was it by Heaven design'd That ye should be merciful, loving, and kind ! Did it form you like angels, and send you below To prophesy peace — to bid charity flow ! Ana have you thus left your primeval estate. And wander'd so widely, so strangely of late ? Alas! These i Cursed The chi Thatca Which] Oh! ho Of that Tis the And shr How oft Has beai Has virti Been pai AH offer' At the gl If I, ii Am to sui Let me fa Where th( Not nibbh By the sh Condemn But spare No. 7 11 In this seat on its hinges, ng in, like wishes, good has been the and respectal grave, and po but industnou to tender their when theyhavi ON TH£ MEW TEAB. 358 Alas ! the sad cause I too plainly can see— These evils have all come upon you through tea ! Cursed vreed, that can make our fair spirits resign The character mild of their mission divine ; That can blot from their bosoms that tenderness true, Which from female to female for ever is due ! Oh ! how nice is the texture—how fragile the frame Of that delicate blossom, a female's fair &me ! Tis the sensitive plant, it recoils from tho breath. And shrinks from the touch, as if pregnant with death. How often, how often, has innocence sigh'd, Has beauty been reft of its honour — its pride, Has virtue, though pure as an angel of light, Been painted as dark as a demon of night, All ofifer'd up victims, an auto da/e, ' At the gloomy cabals — the dark orgies of tea I If I, in the remnant that's left me of life. Am to suffer the torments of slanderous strife. Let me fall, I implore, in the slang-whanger's claw. Where the evil is open, and subject to law ; Not nibbled, and mumbled, and put to the rack. By the sly underminings of tea-party clack : Condemn me, ye gods, to a newspaper roasting. But spare me ! spare me, a tea-table toasting ! ' 1 No. XX.— MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 1808. FROM MT ELBOW-OHAIB. ExtreniTim hnnc mihi concede laborem. — Vno, *' Soft you, a word or two before we part" In this season of festivity, when the gate of time swings open on its hinges, and an honest rosy-faced New Year comes wad- dling in, like a jolly fat-sided alderman, loaded with good wishes, good humour, and minced pies : — at this joyous era it has been the custom, from time immemorial, in this ancient and respectable city, for periodical vmters, from reverend, grave, and potent essayists like ourselves, down to the humble but industrious editors of magazines, reviews, and newspapers, to tender their subscribers the compliments of the season ; and when they have slyly thawed Uieir hearts with a little of the sun- 954 OR THE MEW TEAS. sbine of flatterj, to conclude by delicately daxming them for their arrears of subscription money. In like manner the car- riers of newspapers, who undoubtedly belong to the ancient and honourable order of literati, do regularly at the commence- ment of the year salute their patrons with abundance of ex- cellent advice conveyed in exceeding good poetry, for which the aforesaid good-natured patrons are well pleased to pay them exactly twenty-five cents. In walking the streets I am every day saluted with good wishes, from old gray-headed negroes, whom I never recollect to have seen before ; and it was but a few days ago that I was called to receive the com- pliments of an ugly old woman, who last spring was employed by Mrs. Cockloft to whitewash my room and put things in order; a phrase which, if rightly understood, means little else than huddling everything into holes and comers, so that if I want to find any particular article, it is, in the language of an humble but expressive saying — " looking for a needle in a haystack." Not recognising my visitor, I de- manded by what authority she wished me a "happy new year?" Her claim vras one of the weakest she could have urged, for I have an innate and mortal antipathy to this cus- tom of putting things to rights: — so giving the old witch a pistareen, I desired her forthwith to mount her broomstick and ride off as fast as possible. Of all the various ranks of society, the bakers alone, to their immortal honour be it recorded, depart from this prac- tice of making a market of congratulations ; and, in addition to always allowing thirteen to the dozen, do with great libe- rality, instead of drawing on the purses of their customers at the new-year, present them with divers large, fair, spiced cakes ; which, like the shield of Achilles, or an Egyptian obelisk, are adorned with figures of a variety of strange animals, that, in their conformation, out-marvel all the wUd wonders of nature. This honest gray-beard custom of setting apart a certain portion of this good-for-nothing existence for purposes of cor- didity, social merriment, and good cheer, is one of the in- estimable relics handed down to us from our worthy Dutch ancestors. In perusing one of the manuscripts from my worthy grandfather s mahogany chest of drawers, I find the new-year was celebrated with great festivity during that golden age of our city, when the reins of government were held by the reno season fa Btsted in them wa father, wl most stal did right roasting mince pie he did me have been days, accoi notable ca impressed ^ illustri St. Nicholi in the cale their unso| time given a glass of c] wgret, how ftble usage style: and elbowed asi same way modem ups] Inadditii is somethinj seeing evei repeated sail the lips ;—i| of plenty, a them, in th< decked out cares, the _. errands of , holiday-lovii collected inl and making! enough to cif scmething sJ me real OH THB KBW TBAR. «ftS ■)m taj nd the golden eld by the renowned Bip Van Dam, who always did honour to the season by seeing out the old year ; a ceremony which eon- sisted in plying his guests with bumpers, until not one of them was capable of seeing. " Truly," observes ray grand- lather, who was generally of these parties — " Tntlv^ he was a most stately and magnificent bui^omaster! inasiuach as he did right lustily carouse it with his ' friends about new-year ; roasting huge quantities of turkeys ; baking innumerable mince pies ; and smacking the lips of all fair ladies the which he did meet, with such sturdy emphasis, that the same might have been heard the distance of a stone's throw." In his days, accorduig to my grandfather, were first invented those notable cakes, bight new-year-cookies, which originally were impressed on one side with the honest burly countenance of the illustrious Bip ; and on the other with that of the noted St. Nicholas, vulgarly called Santaclaus :— ^f all the saints in the calendar the most venerated by true Hollanders, and their unsophisticated descendants. These cakes are to this time given on the first of January to all visitors, together with a glass of cherry-bounce or raspberry-brandy. It ia with great regret, however, I observe that the simplicity of this vener- able usi^e has been much violated by modem pretenders to style : and our respectable new-year-cookies, and cherry-bounce, elbowed aside by plum-cake and outlandish liqueurs, in the same way that our old Dutch families are oat-dazzled by modem upstarts, and mushroom Cockneys. In addition to this divine origin of new-year festivity, there is something exquisitely grateful, to a good-natured mind, in seeing every face dressed in smiles; — in hearing the oft- repeated salutations that flow spontaneously from the heart to the lips;— in beholding the poor, for once, enjoying the smiles of plenty, and forgetting the cares which press hard upon them, in the jovial revelry of the feelings ; the young children decked out in their Sunday clothes, and freed ^om their only eares, the cares of the school, tripping through the streets on errands of pleasure; — and even the very negroes, those holiday-loving rogues, gorgeously arrayed in cast-off finery, collected in juntos at comers, displaying their white teeth, and making the welkin ring with bursts of laughter— loud enough to crack even the icy cheek of old winter. There is something so pleasant in all this, that I confess it would give me real pain to behold the frigid influence of modem style 269 ON THB NKW TSAB. cheating us of this jahilee of the heart ; and converting it, as it does every other article of social intercourse, into an idle and unmeaning ceremony. 'Tis the annual festival of good humour: — it comes in the dead of winter, when nature is without a charm, when our pleasures are contracted to the fire-side, and where everything that unlocks the icy fetters of the heart, and sets the genial current flowing, should he cherished, as a stray lamh found in the wilderness, or a flower hlnoming among thorns and briers. Animated by these sentiments, it was with peculiar satis- faction I perceived that the last new-year was kept with more than ordinary enthusiasm. It seemed as if the good old times had rolled back again, and brought with them all the honest, unceremonious intercourse of those golden days, when people were more open and sincere, more moral, and more hospitable than now; when every object carried about it a charm which the hand of time has stolen away, or turned to a deformity; when the women were more simple, more do- mestic, mor« lovely, and more true ; and when even the sun, like a hearty old blade as he is, shone with a genial lustre unknown in these degenerate days: — in short, those fairy times when I was a mad-cap boy, crowding every enjoyment into the present moment ; — making of the past an oblivion, — of the future a heaven ; and careless of all that was " over the hills and far away." Only one thing was wanting to make every part of the celebration accord with its ancient simplicity. The ladies, who— I write it with the most pierc* ing regret — are generally at the head of all domestic innova- tions, most fastidiously refused that mark of good-will, that chaste and holy salute which was so fashionable in the happy days of Governor Rip and the patriarchs. — Even the Miss Cocklofts, who belong to a family that is the last entrench- ment behind which the manners of the good old school have retired, made violent opposition ; and whenever a gentleman entered the room, immediately put themselves in a posture of defence: — this Will Wizard, with his usual shrewdness, insists was only to give the visitor a hint that they expected an attack ; and declares, he has uniformly observed that the resistance of those ladies who make the greatest noise and bustle :> most easily overcome. This sad innovation origi- nated with my good aunt Charity, who was as arrant a tabby as ever wore whiskers ; and I am not a little afflicted to find that the hi wd beaotii Jn oompi tioned by ti own inciini readers witi for in truth few renuiini •ooner; bat, campaign, a4 '''hich J hai heen somew) cloudy for cl ™*8on, that which is exac S'ublic: and ating from tl have from th« wpublic from These good volence, by thi old friends foi our work in th little matter oi though we co3 jet it would H such an admi: amusement of flounder in th aides, we have Jjgnity to tun Heaven, we an •ned land, ace pendent on th we will g»jr, it e*wer. We ai Ow«t, who wen no more worldi odd, rnntipole c enough in thei going until dooi Moit people, ox THB mw TEAB. S57 that the has found so many followers, even among the young and beaatiful. ?n eomplianoe with sn ancient and venerable custom, sane* tioned by time and our ancestors, and more especially by my own inclinatious, I will take this opportunity to salute my readers with as many good wishes as I can possibly spare ; for in truth I have been so prodigal of late, that I have but few remaining. I should have offered my congratulations sooner; but, to be candid, having made the last new-year's campaign, according to custom, under cousin Christopher, in which i have seen some pretty hard service, my head has been somewhat out of order of late, and my intellects rather cloudy for clear writing. Besides, I may allege as another reason, that I have deferred my greetings until this day, which is exactly one year since we introduced ourselves to the Sublic : and surely periodical writers have the same right of ating from the commencement of their works, that monarchs have from the time of their coronation ; or our most puissant republic from the declaration of its independence. These good wishes are warmed into more than usual bene- volence, by the thought that I am now perhaps addressing my old friends for the last time. That we should thus cut on our work in the very vigour of its existence, may excite some little matter of wonder in this enlighten(>^ community. Now though we could give a variety of good reasons for so doing, yet it would be an ill-naturrd act to deprive the public of such an admirable opportunity to indulge in their favourite amusement of conjecture ; so we generously leave them to flounder in the smooth ocbai of glorious uncertainty. Be- sides, we have ever considered it as beneath persons of our dignity to account for our movements or caprices; thank Heaven, we are not, like the unhappy rulers of this enlight- ened land, accountable to the mob for our actions, or de- pendent on their smiles for support: — this much, however, we will say, it it not lor want of subjects that we stop out career. We are not in the situation of poor Alexander the Qreat, triio wept, as well indeed he might, because there were no more worlds to conquer ; for, to do justice to this queer, odd, rvitipole city, and this whimsical country, there is matter enough in them to keep our risible muscles and our pens going until doomsday. Most people, in taking a farewell which may perhape be for i til 258 ON THE MEW TBAB. ever, are anxiouA to part on good temis ; and it is usual on such melancholy occasions for even enemies to shake hands, forget their previous quarrels, and bury all former animosities in parting regrets. Now, because most people do this, I am determined to act in quite a different way; for as I have lived, so should I wish to die, in my own way, without imi- tating any person, whatever may be his rank, talents, or re- putation. Besides, if I know our trio, we have no enmities to obliterate, no hatchet to bury, and as to all ii^juries — those we have long since forgiven. At this moment there is not an individual in the world, not even the Pope himself, to whom we have any personal hostility. But if, shutting their eyes to the many striking proofs of good-nature displayed through the whole course of this work, there should be any persons so singularly ridiculous as to take offence at our strictures, we heartily forgive their stupidity; earnestly en- treating them to desist from all manifestations of ill-humour, lest they should, peradventure, be classed under some one of the denominations of recreants we have felt it our duty to hold up to public ridicule. Even at this moment we feel a glow of parting philanthropy stealing upon us :— a sentiment of cordial good-will towards the numerous host of readers that have jogged on at our heels during the last year ; and in justice to ourselves must seriously protest, that if at any time we have treated thera a little ungently, it was purely in that spirit of hearty affection with which a schoolmaster drubs an unlucky urchin, or a humane muleteer his recreant animal, at the very mo)v.ent when his heart is brim-full of loving- kindness. If this is not considered an ample justification, so much the worse ; for in that case I fear we shall remain for ever unjustified ; — a most desperate extremity, and worthy of every man's commiseration t One circumstance, in particular, has tickled us mightily as we jogged along ; and that is, the astonishing secrecy with which we have been able to carry on our lucubrations 1 Fully aware of the profound sagacity of the public of Gotham, and their wonderful faculty of distinguishing a writer by his style, it is with great self-congratulation we find that suspicion has never pointed to us as the authors of " 3almagundi." Our griy-beard speculations have been most bountifully attributed to sundry smart young gentlemen, who, for aught we know, have no beards at all ; and we have often been highly amused. when they Wmless n blushing n ^n auth( 80 long bee perusaJ of t yond seas, ii eeriodical writer, that by an ac^ of innocent suicide he may awfully consign himself to the gruve, and cheat the world of posthumous renown. Buc we abandoned this scheme for many substantial reasons. In the first place, we care but little for the opinion of criticw, whom we consider a kind of freebooters in the republic of letters ; who, like deer, goats, and divers other graminivorous animalsi, gain subsistence by gorging upon the buds and leaves of the young shrubs of the forest, thereby robbing them of their verdure, and retarding their progress to maturity. It also occurred to us, that thoui^h an author might lawfully, in all countries, kill hi self out- right, yet this privilege did not extend to the raising himself from the dead, if he was ever so anxious, and all that is left him in such a case is, to take the benefit of the meiempsy- chosis act, and revive under a new name and form. Far be it, therefore, from us to condemn ourselves to use- I less embarrassments, should we ever be disposed to resume I the guardianship of this learned city of Clotham, and finish this invaluable work, which is yet but half completed. We s a TO THE LADIES. hereby openly and serioasly declare that we are not dead, hut intend, if it pleases Providence, to live for many years to come, to enjoy life with the genuine relish of honest souls ; careless of riches, honours, and everything but a good name among good fellows ; and with the full expectation of shuffling off the remnant of existence, after the excellent &8hion of that merry Grecian, who died laughing. TO THE LADIES. BT ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. Next to our being a knot of independent old bachelors, there is nothing on which we pride ourselves more highly than upon possessing that true chivalric spirit of gallantry, which dis- tinguished the days of King Arthur, and his valiant knights of the Round Table. We cannot, therefore, leave the lists where we have so long been tilting at folly, without giving a farewell salutation to those noble dames and beauteous dam- sels who have honoured us with their presence at the tourney. Like true knights, the only recompense we crave is the smile of beauty, and the approbation of those gentle fair ones, whose smile and whose approbation far excel all the trophies of honour, and all the rewards of successful ambition. True it is that we have suffered infinite perils, in standing forth as their champions, from the sly attacks of sundry arch caitiffs, who, in the overflowings of their malignity, have even accused us of entering the lists as defenders of the very foibles and faults of the sex. Would that we could meet with these re- creants hand to hand : they should receive no more quarter than giants and enchanters in romance. Had we a spark of vanity in our natures, hero is a glorious oocasion to show our skill in refuting these illiberal insinua- tions : but there is sometliing manly and ingenuous in mak- ing an honest confession of one's offences when about retiring from the world ; and so, without any more ado, we doff our helmets, and thus publicly plead guilty to the sin of good- | MATURE ; hoping and expecting forgiveness from our good- 1 natured readers, yet careless whether they bestow it or not. And in this we do but imitate sundry condemned criminals, who, finding themselves convicted of a capital crime, with groat openness and candour, do generally in their last dying I speech make a confession of all their previous offences, which [ <»nfe88ion ofbiograp] ^ Still, k the gentle voured, on delicacy of delusive fo unhappily i "gainst the damps and with pious I the waltz, en to restore tl them from t the vinegar ( «n the other all. we have dissipated w< v*lue, until them, before soil most coni ness — where sunshine of m a^e best know Modem ph of the sex— -tl orbit, in whicl the confusion subject we disi hunaloftheh] *B«ling? woulfl of one whose h ■7who snatch] t»OD, and amic room? Thei ment may for] are content wif and noise to ^'onfide our d< Vet some t »lngle freely '''hose brilliai TO TBK LADIES. Ml but rs to ouIb ; name ffling on of , there a upon ch dis- tnights lie lists [iving a IS dam- tourney. ae smile ir ones, trophies I. True forth as caitiffs, accused bles and these re- quarter i glorious insinua- in mak- xi retiring e doff our of OOOD- our good- it or not. criminals, I ^ime, ^i^^ last dying lices, i»nicb| oonlSBasion is always read with great interest by all true lovera of biography. Still, however, notwithstanding our notorious devotion to the gentle sex, and our indulgent partiality, we have end'Mi- voured, on divers occasions, with all the polite and becoming delicacy of true respect, to reclaim them from many of those delusive follies and unseemly peccadilloes in which they are unhappily too prone to indulge. We have warned them against the sad consequences of encountering our midnight damps and withering wintry blasts — we have endeavoured, with pious hand, to snatch them from the wildering mazes of the waltz, and thus rescuing them from the arms of strangers, to restore them to the bosoms of their friends — to preserve them from the nakedness, the famine, the cob-web muslins, the vinegar cruet, the corset, the stay-tape, the buckram, and all the other miseries and racks of a fine figure. But above all, we have endeavoured to lure them from the mazes of a dissipated world, where they wander about, careless of their value, until they lose their original worth ; and to restore them, before it is too late, to the sacred asylum of home, the soil most congenial to the opening blossom of female loveli- ness — where it blooms and expands in safety, in the fostering sunshine of maternal affection, and where its heavenly sweets are best known and appreciated. Modem philosophers may determine the proper destination of the sex — they may assign to them an extensive and brilliant orbit, in which to revolve, to the delight of the million, and the confusion of man's superior intellect ; but when on this subject we disclaim philosophy, and appeal to the higher tri- bunal of the heart— and what heart that has not lost its better feelings would ever seek to repose its happiness on the bosom of one whose pleasures all lay without tue threshold of home —who snatched ei\joyment only in the whirlpool of dissipa- tion, and amid the thoughtless and evanescent gaiety of a ball- room ? The fair one who is for ever in the career of amuse- ment may for a while dazzle, astonish, and entertain ; but we are content with coldly admiring, and fondly torn from glitter and noise to seek the happy Preside of social life, there to confide our dearest and best eifleetions. Yet some there are, and we deliel t u^ mention them, who mingle freely with the world, onsuflied bv its contassinati'ons ; whose brilliant minds, like the stars of the firmament, are 'I i 36a TO THE LADIES. destined to shed their light abroad and gladden eveiy beholder with their radiance — to withhold them from the world would be doing it injustice : they are inestimable gems, which were never formed to be shut up in caskets, but to be Uie pride and ornament of elegant society. We have endeavoured always to discriminate between a female of this superior order and the thoughtless votary of pleasure, who, destitute of intellectual resources, is servilely dependent on others for every little pittance of enjoyment — who exhibits herself incessantly amid the noise, the giddy frolic, and capricious variety of fashionable assemblages— dissi- pating her languid affections on a crowd — lavishing her ready smiles with indiscriminate prodigality on the worthy or the undeserving — and listening with equal vacancy of mind to the conversation of the enlightened, the frivolity of the cox- comb, and the flourish of a fiddle-stick. There is certain artificial polish— a common-place vivacity acquired by perpetually mingling in the beau-monde ; which, in the commerce of the world, supplies the place of natural suavity and good humour, but is purchased at the expense of nil original and sterling traits of character. By a kind of fashionable discipline the eye is taught to brighten, the lip to smile, and the whole countenance to emanate with the sem- blance of friendly welcome — while the bosom is unwarmed by a single spark of genuine kindness or good-will. This ele- gant simulation may be admired by the connoisseur of human character as a perfection of art ; but the heart is not to be deceived by the superficial illusion : it turns with delight to the timid retiring fair one, whose smile is the smile of nature ; whose blush is the soft suffusion of delicate sensibility ; and whose affections, unblighted by the chilling effects '>^ dissipa- tion, glow with all the tenderness and purity of artluas youth. Here is a singleness of mind, a native innocence of manners, and a sweet timidity, that steal insensibly upon the heart, and lead it a willing captive : though venturing occasionally among the fairy haunts of pleasure, she shrinks from the broad glare of notoriety, and seems to seek refuge among her friends, even from the admiration of the world. These observations bring to mind a little allegory in one of the manuscripts of the sage Mustapha, which being in some measure applicable to the subject of this essay, we transcribe for the benefit of our fair readers. Among vast tracts their habit of a rambli their thirst J>lains, and ill Arab of weaiy of hit ^ set out if said he, " g dews of hea^ Jng stream, settle on its tttmquil enjt Enchante( from the teni five days, on splendours ol tended befon of Arabia th blooming gro with flowers \ darting his i warmth that and temperat contented abi zephyr breatl youthful warn to heaven, an a sigh of regi solitudes of tl With fonc stream where mised sweets j an unforeseoi. streams on e\ pletely answe] with wild an( unsteady in ii against the r Another flo« murmur; bul TO THE LADIB8. 368 i Among the numerous race of the Bedouins, who people the vast tracts of Arabia Deserta, is a small tribe, remarkable fi )r their habits of solitude and love of independence. They are of a rambling disposition, roving from waste to waste, slaking their thirst at such scanty pools as are found in those cheerless }>lains, and glory in the unenvied liberty they enjoy. A youth- iil Arab of this tribe, a simple son of nature, at length growing weary of his precarious and unsettled mode of life, determined to set out in search of some permanent abode. " 1 will seek," said he, " some happy region, sume generous climo where the dews of heaven diffuse fertility : — I will find out some unfail- ing stream, and, forsaking the joyless life of my forefatlinrB. settle on its borders, dispose my mind to gentle pleasures and tranquil enjoyments, and never wander more." Enchanted with this picture of pastoral felicity, he departed from the tents of his companions, and having journeyed during five days, on the sixth, as the sun was just rising in all the splendours of the East, he lifted up his eyes and beheld ex- tended before him, in smiling luxuriance, the fertile regions of Arabia the Happy. Gently swelling hills, tufted with blooming groves, swept down into luxuriant vales, enamelled with flowers of never-withering beauty. The sun, no longer darting his rays with torrid fervour, beamed with a genial warmth that gladdened and enriched the landscape. A pure and temperate serenity, an air of voluptuous repose, a smile of contented abundance, pervaded the face of nature, and every zephyr breathed a thousand delicious odours. The soul of the youthful wanderer expanded with delight ; he raised his eyes to heaven, and almost mingled, with his tribute of gratitude, a sigh of regret that he had lingered so long amid the sterile solitudes of the desert.. With fond impatience he hastened to make choice of a stream where he might fix his habitation, and taste the pro- mised sweets of this land of delight. But here commenced an unforeseen perplexity ; for, though he beheld innumerable streams on every side, yet not one could he find which com- pletely answered his high-raised expectations. One abounded with wild and picturesque beauty, but it was capricious and unsteady in its course ; sometimes dashing its angry billows against the rooks, and often raging and overflowing its banks. Another flowed smoothly along, without even a ripple or a murmur ; but its bottom was soft and muddy, and its current I I' 1 i I m IM4 TO THB LADIES. l! dull and slu^^iiah. A third was pure and transparent, but its waters were of a chilling coldness, and it had rocks and flints in its bosom. A fourth was dulcet in its tinklings, and grace- ful in its meandering, but it had a cloying sweetness that palled upon the taste ; while a fifth possessed a sparkling vivacity and a pungency of flavour, that deterred the wanderer from repeating his draught. The youthful Bedouin began to weary with fruitless trials and repeated disappointments, when his attention was suddenly attracted by a lively brook whose dancing waves glittered in the sunbeams, and whose prattling current communicated an air of bewitching gaiety to the surrounding landso^ The heart of the way-worn traveller beat with expectation ; but on regarding it attentively in its course, he found that it con- stantly avoided the embowering shade ; loitering with equal fondness, whether gliding through the rich valley, or over the barren sand ; — that the fragrant flower, the fruitful shrub, and worthless bramble were alike fostered by its waves, and that its current was often interrupted by unprofitable weeds. With idle ambition it expanded itself beyond its proper bounds, and spread into a shallow waste of water, destitute of beauty or utility, and babbling along with uninteresting vivacity and vapid turbulence. The wandering son of the desert turned away with a sigh of regret, and pitied a stream which, if content within its natural limits, might have been the pride of the valley, and the object of all his wishes. Pensive, musing, and disap- pointed, he slowly pursued his now almost hopeless pilgrim- age, and had rambled for some time along the margin of a gentle rivulet, before he became sensible of its beauties. — It was a simple pastoral stream, which, shunning the noonday glare, pursued its unobtrusive course through retired and tranquil vales; — now dimpling among flowery banks and tufted shrubbery; now winding among spicy groves, whose aromatic foliage fondly bent down to meet the limpid wave. Sometimes, but not often, it would ventui i'rom itS covert to stray through a flowery meadow ; but quickly, as if fearful of being seen, stole back again into its more congenial shade, and there lingered with sweet delay. Wherever it bent its course, the face of nature brightened into smiles, and a pe- rennial spring reigned upon its borders. The warblers of the woodlana delighted to quit their recesses and card among its bowers; ^ £«eIJe, an untsof 1 ^»atere roU reflected in The sim he tasted t he bounded ^y&ring. '"11 I pass current; be puadise tha "How hard known amon^ n»*n to bite c Wizard, Esq. but give vent whim of fnei when at the t| the brightest wi^ks, of faf haps, which, : ment or sympi letting immoj does meet wi] comfort of bef Next to tb^ public annoys sequence of \ country, must] merchantmen I moulder away I things in this! the middle of ' where one exi «ff jnstwhen , ««nt jokes, uol «v«ry fine fi^ FABBWKLL ADDBBSS. 905 bovren ; ivfaile the tartle-dove, the timid &wn, the soft-eyed Szelle, and all the rural popolaoe who joj in the seqaestered unts of nature, resorted to its vicinity. Its pure transparent waters rolled over snow-white sands, and heaven itself was reflected in its tranquil bosom. The simple Arab threw himself upon its verdant margin : he tasted the silver tide, and it was like nectar to his lips ; — he bounded with transport, for he had found the object of his wayfaring. " Here," cried he, " will I pitch my tent ; — here will I pass my days ; for pure, O fair stream, is thy gentle current ; beauteous are thy borders ; and the grove must be a paradise that is refreshed by thy meanderings ! " Pendant opera intemipta. — Vino. The work 'a all aback.— LmK. Fu>. " How hard it is," exclaims the divine Gon-fuste, better known among the illiterate by the name of Confucius, " for a man to bite off his own nose ! " At this moment, I, William Wizard, Esq., feel the full force of this remark, and cannot but give vent to my tribulation at being obliged, through the whim of friend Langstaff, to stop short in my literary career, when at the very point of astonishing my country, and reaping the brightest laurels of literature. We daily hear of ship- wrecks, of failures and bankruptcies ; they are trifling mis- haps, which, from their frequency, excite but little astonish- ment or sympathy : but it is not often that we hear of a man's letting immortality slip through his fingers; and when he does meet with such a misfortune, who would deny him the comfort of bewailing his calamity ? Next to the embargo laid upon our commerce, the greatest public annoyance is the embargo laid upon our work : in con- sequence of which the produce of my wits, like that of my country, must remain at home ; and my ideas, like so many merchantmen in port, or redoubtable figures in the Potomac, moulder away in the mud of my own brain. I know of few things in this world more annoying than to be interrupted in the middle of a favourite story, at the most interesting part, where one expects to shine ; or to have a conversation broken <^ just when you are about coming out with a score of excel- lent jokes, not one of which but was good enough to make every fine figure in corsets litmally split her sides with ' lit I I V Vii 200 FABBWBLL ADDBB88. lAughter. In some such predicament am I placed at tf^reaent ; and I do protest to you my good-looking and well-beloved readers, by the chop-sticks of the immortal Josh, I was on the yery brink of treating you with a full broadside of the most ingenious and instructive essays that your precious noddles were ever bothered with. In the first place I had, with infinite labour and pains, and by consulting the divine Plato, Sanchoniathon, Apollonius Rhodius, Sir John Harrington, Noah Webster, Linkum Fide- lius, and others, fully refuted all those wild theories respect- ing the first settlement of our venerable country ; and proved, beyond contradiction, that America, so far from being, as the writers of upstart Europe denominate it, the new world, is at least as old as any country in existence ; not excepting Egypt, China, or even the land of the Assiniboils ; which, according to the traditions of that ancient people, has already assisted at the funerals of thirteen suns, and four hundred and seventy thousand moons. I had likewise written a long dissertation on certain hiero- glyphics discovered on those fragments of the moon, which have lately fallen, with singular propriety, in a neighbouring state, and have thrown considerable light on the state of lite- rature and the arts in that planet — showing that the universal language which prevails there is High Dutch, thereby proving it to be the most ancient and original tongue, and corrobo- rating the opinion of a celebrated poet, that it is the language in which the serpent tempted our grandmother Eve. To support the theatric department I had several very judi- cious critiques, ready written, wherein no quarter was shown either to authora or actors ; and I was only waiting to deter- mine at what plays or performances they should be levelled. As to the grand spectacle of Cinderella, which is to be repre- sented this season, I had given it a most unmeroiful handling ; that it was neither tragedy, comedy, nor faroe — that the inci- dents wero highly improbable — that the prince played like a perfect harlequin — that the white mice were merely powdered for the occasion — and that the new moon had a most out- rageous copper nose. But my most profound and erudite essay in embryo is an analytical, hypercritical review of these Sidmagundi lucubra- tion^; which I had written partly in revenge for the many waggish jokes played off against me by my confederates, and gartljfoi all the si cidences, I hold : even to th either did " Ignorant tended to idea that h pation for ] that I had magnifying fell of bool comer of C ingall oddi honest Laui in his elbow own brain, a Fidelius !— ] effusions woi By laboril where sentei sundry slj / bound, Lane The Little J. old Goodj BJ Jator, who cl Jwg, with agJ the honest oil by Twaits, in| ture upon the proof of the taken for a w] And that thej were distingu^ lins and brooJ ends here, bu] man in black j a white witch Thus, also,] for a oonventiJ PABXWELL ADOBBM. 307 is an icttbra- many es, and murtly for the purpose of saving mnch invaluable labour to the Zoiluses and Dennises of the age, by detecting and exposing all the similarities, resemblances, synonyraes, analogies, coin- cidences. Sec. Ac., which occur in this work. I hold it downright plagiarism for any author to write, or even to think, in the same manner with any other writer that either did, doth, or may exist. It is a sage maxim of law, '* Ignorantia neminem excwat " — and the same has been ex- tended to literature : so that if an author shall publish an idea that has been ever hinted by another, it shall be no excul- pation for him to plead ignorance of the fact. All, therefore, that I had to do was to take a good pair of spectacles, or a magnifying glass, and vrith Salmagundi in hand, and a table fiill of books before me, to mouse over them alternately, in a comer of Cockloft library ; carefully comparing and contrast- ing all odds, ends, and fragments of sentences. Little did honest Launce suspect, when he sat lounging and scribbling in his elbow-chair, with no other stock to draw upon than his own brain, and no authority to consult than the sage Linkum Fidelius ! — little did he think that his careless, unstudied effusions would receive such scrupulous investigation. By laborious researches, and patiently collating words, where sentences and ideas did not correspond, I have detected sundry sly disguises and metamorphoses, of which, I'll be bound, LangstafP himself \b ignorant. Thus, for instance — The Little Man in Black is evidently no less a personage than old Goody Blake, or Goody Something, filched from the Spec- tator, who confessedly filched her from Otway's "wrinkled hag, with age grown double." My friend Launce has taken the honest old woman, dressed her up in the cast-off suit worn by Twaits, in Lampedo, and endeavoured to palm the impos- ture upon the enlightened inhabitants of Gotham. — No further proof of the fact need be given, than that Goody Blake was taken for a witch ; and the little man in black for a conjuror ; and that they both lived in villages, the inhabitants of which were distinguished by a most respectful abhorrence of hobgob- lins and broomsticks : to be sure the astonishing similarity ends here, but surely that is enough to prove that the little man in black is no other than Goody Blake in the disguise of a white witch. Thus, also, the sage Mustapha, in mistaking a brag-party for a convention of magi studying hieroglyphics, may pretend .r » *■. IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) ^/ ^ >. y is vA .^> ^A ^ ^ 4^ I 1.0 I.I us ■tt lU 12.2 lit m ■ 40 2.0 Photographic Sciences CorpOTEition ^. ¥^ ^ s> ^. M WMT MUM STRUT WnUTM.N.Y. USM (7I*)I73-4MS > 4 JO v\ 368 PABBWSLL ADDBIM. to originalitj of idoa and to a familiar aoquaiatance with tho Uaok-letter literati of the East ; but this TripoUtan trick will not pass here. I refer those who wish to detect his larcenj to one of those wholesale jambles, or hodge-podge ooUectioDa ol science, which, like a taUor's Pandemoniam, or a giblet-pie, ■re receptacles for scientific fragments of all sorts and sizes. The reaiier, learned in dictionary studies, will at cealed as truth at the bottom of a well, or the mistletoe amid the shady branches of an oak : and it may at any time be drawn from its lurking place, by those hewen of wood and drawers of water, who labour in the humbler walks of criti- cism. This is assuredlr a most unpardonable error of the sage Mustapha, who had been the captain of a ketch : and of course, as your nautical men are for the most part veiy learned, ought to have known better. But this is not the only blun- der of the grave Mussulman, who swean by the head of Am- rou, tl d beard of Barbarossa, and the sword of Khalid, as glibly as our good Christian soldiers anathematize body and soul, or a sailor his eyes and odd limbs. Now I solemnly pledge myself to the world, that in all my travels through the East, in Penia, Arabia, China, and Egypt, I never heard man, woman, or child, utter anv of those preposterous and new- fangled asseverations ; and that, so far from swearing by any man's head, it is oonsidtiiod, throoghoot the East, the greatest insult that can be offered to either the living or dead to meddle in any shape even with his beard. These are but two or three speoimens of the exposures I would have made ; but I should have descended still lower, nor would have snared the most insignificant mnd, or hut, or tutfirthdim, j^vided I could have found a ditto in the Spectator or the dictionary ; but all these nunutia I bequeath to the Lilliputian literati of this sagaoioaa community, wno are food of hunting " such small deer,** and I earnestly pray they may find full employment kt a twelve* Bimth to come. B«t the most ootngeoua plagiarisms of friend Lanaoelot ii» tboee made on sundry living perscMaagetf. Thua: Tom Straddle has been evidently stolen from a diatinguiahsd BnmBMaem emignat, since they both ride en horeebiik: Dabble, tte little great man, hat Ua origin in a oertain aipir ii^ooti heavin< ft tolen qualitie County MissC vestals withmj talsofc withcla in such —when looking young, incliniof wear my but in a ninepeni And n pathetic and draw well: ex their tax oorporati newspap< honest c: &otion, d 0.W FARKWSLL AODBUS. 260 ing oonnsellor, who is rising in the world as rapidly an the heaviness of his head will permit ; mine uncle John will bear a tolerable comparison, particularly as it respects the sterling qualities of his heart, with a worthy yeoman of Westchester County; and to deck out Aunt Charity, and the amiable Miss Cocklofts, he has rifled the charms of half the ancient ▼estals in the city. Nay, he has taken unpardonable liberties with my own person !— elevating me on the substantial pedes- tals of a worthy gentleman from China, and tricking me out with claret coats, tight breeches, and silver-sprigged dickeys, in such sort that I can scarcely recognise my own resemblance — whereas, I absolutely declare, that I am an exceeding good- looking man, neither too tall nor too short, too old nor too young, with a person indifferently robust, a head rather inclining to be large, an easy swing in my walk, and that I wear my own hair, neither queued, nor cropped, nor turned up. but in a fur, pendulous, oscillating club, tied with a yard of ninepenny black riband. And now, having said all that occurs to me on the present pathetic occasion — having made my speech, wrote my eulogy, and drawn my portrait — I bid my readers an affectionate fare- well: exhorting them to live honestly and sol^rly — paying their taxes, and reverencing the state, the church, and the corporation — reading diligently the bible, the almanack, the newspaper, and " Salmagundi," which is all the reading an honest citizen has occasion for — and eschewing all spirit of Action, discontent, irreligion, and criticism. Which is all at present, From their departed friend, William Wueabd. r ' j i: ' Bil O. WoodAOl «Ml Soa, Pilaun, ka^ik Court, SUmmt Suwl, LqmIm. BEG] Beia BIHBT HISTORY OF NEW-YORK, raOX THl BEGINNING OP THE WORLD TO THE END OP THE DUTCH DYNASTY; COMTAIinifO, AUOVa UANT BURPRISIMa AND CORIOUS UATTSBS. The Unutterable Ponderings of Walter the Doubter, the Diaastrous Projects of William the Testy, and the Chivalric Achievements of Peter the Head* strong— the three Dutch GoTemois of New Amsterdam : Being the oxily Authentic Uistorj of the Times that ever hath been or ever will be published. ST UHticj^ lGtn(ciieTbociiet. !Dc waat^ib hit in hixHttt lag^ ZHc lomt met tlaav^eib aan ben ba0. THE AUTH0B*8 RBTI8BD EDITION. OOMPLRB IM OKI VOLVMI. LONDON: HBIIRT G. BOHN. YORK 8TRRET, COVRMT GARDEN. iMa I Tm Qriq Aoco Ado] OOVTA no: AS < Chap. Chap. ex( luc Chap. nan hav thet Chap.] plin, deni Chap. 1 the I [ Mnd intro nusATixi SrorriiwooDn wd Shaw, Chap. I., write a Mra monii Chap.il th« pi deacen acripci CONTENTS. TmB aitthor's apoixmt Page viii OrIOIKAL AOVRBTISEXBim X AOCOUKT OP THB ACTHOB Xii Addbbss to the public XX BOOK I. ooirrAnrnfo ditbbs ihoehioits theobies axd philosophic hpbccla- nONB, COKCEBKIKO THB CBEATIOM AND POPULATION OP THE WOULD, AS CONNECTED WITH THE HIBTOBT OP NBW'TOBK. Chap. L — Deticription of the world 1 Chap. IL — Coemogony, or creation of the world ; with a ronltitade of excellent theories, by which the creation of a woiid is shown to be no such difficult matter as common folk would imagine . 5 Chap. IIL — How that famous navigator Noah was shamefiilly nick« named; and how he committed an unpardonable oversight in not having four sons — with the great trouble of philosophers caused thereby, and the discovery of America IS Chap. Iv. — Showing the great difficulty philosophers have had in peo- pling America — and how the aborigines came to be begotten by aoci- dent — to the great relief and satisfaction of the author . . 16 Chap. V. — In wmch the author puts a mighty question to the rout, by the assistance of the man in the moon— which not only delivers thon* [ sands of people from great embarrassment, but likewise concludes Uiis ' introductory book SI BOOK IL nuuTno op thb pibbt bbttlehbnt op ths pbotincb of nibitw- NBDEBLANDTS. Chap. I. — In which are contained divers reasons why a roan should not write in a hurry — also of Master Hendrick Hudson, his discovery of a strange country — and how he was mai^ifleently rewarded by the munificence of their High lUghtinesses ..... Sa Chap. IL—Containing an account (tf a mighty aik which floated, under the protection of St. Nichohu^ from Holland to Gibbet IsUnd-— the descent of the strange animals thereflPMn — a great victory, and a de- scripcion of the ancient villaga of Communipaw ... 40 A S ir CONTENTS. Chap. ni. — In which is set forth the true art of making a haigain — to* gether with the miracalous escape of a great metropolis in a fog— and the biography of certain heroes of Communipaw . . Page 45 Chap. IV. — How the iicroes of Communipaw royaged to Hell-gate, and how they were received there 50 Chap. V. — How the heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat wiser than they went — and how the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream— and the dream that he dreamed 58 Chap. VL — Containing an attempt at etymology — and of the founding of the great city of New- Amsterdam 61 Chap. VIL — How the people of Pavonia migrated from Communipaw to the island of Alanna-hata — and how Oloife the Dreamer proved him- self a great land speculator 68 Chap. Vnl. — Of the founding and naming of the new city— of the cily arms — and of the direful feud between Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches 65 Chap. IX. — How the city of New-Amsterdam waxed great under the protection of St. Nicholas, and the absence of laws and statutes — how Ololfc the Dreamer begun to dream of an extension of empire, and of the effect of his dreams 69 BOOK III. IK WHICH IS HECOBDBI) THE OOLDXN BEION OF WO0TEB TAK TWILLXR. Chap. L — Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his unparalleled Tirtues — as likewise his unutterable wisdom in the law case of Wandle Schoonhoven and Barent Bleecker — and the great admiration of the public thereat 73 Chap. IL — Containing some account of the grand council of New- Am- sterdam, as also divers especial good plulosophical reasons why an alderman should be fat — with other particulars touching the state of the province 79 Chap. UL — How the town of New- Amsterdam arose out of mud, and came to be marvellously polished and polite— together with a picture of the manners of our great-great-grandfathers ... 86 Chap. IV. — Containing further particulars of the golden age, and what constituted a fine lady and gentleman in the days of Walter the Doubter 91 Chap. V. — Of the founding of Fort Aurania— of the mysteries of the Hudson— of the arrival of the Patroon Killian Van Rensellaer ; his lordly descent upon the earth, and his introduction of club law 95 Chap. VL — In which the reader is beguiled into a delectable walk, which ends very diflierently from what it ccnmnenced ... 97 Ohap. VIL — Faithfully describing the ingenious people of Connecticut and thereabouts— diowing, moreover, the true meaning oriT liberty of conscience, and a curious device among these sturdy Mrbarians, to keep up a harmony of intercourse, and pnnnote pqmMtiim . 101 Chap. ViIL — How these singular barbarians turned out to be notorious Suatters— how they built air castles, and attempted to initiale the ederlanders in the mystery of bnndliiig . . . .105 Go com Cka n n Ckai til b( Chap Te ran Ck Crap. •k cit; rial Chap. ^ exp( Chap. ^ heii Chap. 1 meni Chap.V pipe Chap.E taXMib tion ( Chap.X erectc provii Chap.X Fortn pilgriii ^JoWTAornfi AX Chap. I._ conscria gntm to- md 45 and 50 riaer I the 58 igof 61 iwto lum- 63 ecity rottgn 65 er the I — ^how aad of . 69 I Tiitaes iWandle n of the lew-Am' why an state of • '? rad,aad nicture . 86 id what iter the . 91 of the }hii Iw 95 which . 97 .^ecticnt liberty of '•--», to . lOl notoriottf 'late the . 105 C0MTKNT8. T Chap. EL— How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearAiIly beleaguered— how die renowned Wonter fell into a profound doubt, and how he finally evaporated Page loe BOOK IV. OOMTAIinVO THB CHSOHICLES OF THE KBIOIT OF WILLIAX THE TB8TT. Chap. L— Showing the natnre of history in general ; containing farther- more the anivenal acquirements of William the Testy, and how a man may learn so much as to render himself good for nothing . 1 IS Chap. H. — How William the Testy undertook to conquer by prodama- tion — how he was a great man abroad, but a little man in his own house 116 Chap. IIL— In which are recorded the sage projects of a ruler of uni- Tersal genius — the art of fighting by proclamation — and how that the valiant Jacobus Van Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at Fort OoedHoop 119 Chap. IV.— Containing the fearful wrath of William the Testy, and the alarm of New- Anuiierdam — how the governor did strongly fortify the city — of Antony the Trumpeter, and the windy addition to the armo- rial bearings of New- Amsterdam . . . . . .122 Chap. V. — Of the jurisprudence of William the Testy, and his admirable expedients for the suppression of poverty . . . .125 Chap. VL — Projects of William the Testy for increasing the currency — he is outwitted by the Yankees — The great oyster war . .128 Chap. VH. — Growing discontents of New- Amsterdam under the govern- ment of William the Testy 131 Chap. VIIL — ^The edict of William the Testy against tobacco— of the pipe plot, and the rise of feuds and parties .133 Chap. TX. — Of the folly of being happy in the time of prosperity — of troubles to the south brought on by annexation— of .So secret expedi- tion of Jansen Alpendam, and his magnificent rewu 1 . . 136 Chap. X. — Troublous times on the Hudson — how Killiau 'an Hensellaer erected a feudal castle, and how he introduced club law into the province 139 Chap. XI. — Of the diplomatic mission of Antony the Trumpeter to the Fortress of Bensellaerstein — and how he was puzzled by a cabalistic reply 141 Chap. Jul. — Contidning the rise of the great Amphictyonic Council of the pilgrims, with the decline and final extinction of Wuliam die Testy 144 BOOK V. 0(MrrAiinHa thr first part of thb reiok of pbter stutvesaxt, AXD HIS TROVBLEa WITH THB AJfPUICTTOXIO OOCXCUU Chap. L — In which the death of a great man is shown to be no very in- eonsdaUe matter of sorrow — and how Peter Stuyvesant acquirad a great name fifom the uncommon strength of his head . . 148 AS .M Jl ▼l CONTENTS. Chap. IL — Showing how Peter the Headstrong heiiiirred himself among the rats and cobwebs on entering into office ; his intenriew with Antony the IVumpeter, and lus periloas meddling with the currency . Page 15.3 Chap, nl — How the Yankee league waxed more and more potent — and how it outwitted the good Peter in treaty-making . . .156 Chap. IV. — Containing divers speculations, showing that a treaty of peace is a great national evil 160 Chap. V. — How Peter Stuyvesant was grievously belied by the great council of the league— and how he sent Antony the l^umpeter to take to the council a piece of his mind 165 Chap. YL — How Peter Stuyvesant demanded a court of honour — and of the court of honour awarded to him 168 Chap. YH. — I)ow ** drum ecclesiastic" was beaten throughout Connec- ticut for a crusade against the New-Netherlandts — and how Peter Stuyvesant took measures to fortify his capital . . .169 Chap. VllL — How the Yankee crusade against the New-Netherlands was baffled by the sudden outbreak of witchcraft among the people of the east 173 Chap. IX. — Which records the rise and renown of a military conomander, showing that a man, like a bladder, may be puffed up to greatness by mere wind ; together with the catastrophe of a veteran and his queue 176 BOOK YI. COITTAIiaNO THE 8ECOND FART OF THB KEIQV OF PETER THF HEAD- 8TRONO, AND HIS OALLAITI ACHIETEHEMT8 CM THB DELAWARE. Chap. L — In which is exhibited a warlike portrait of the great Peter — of the windy contest of Greneral Van Poffenburgh and General Prints, and of the Musquitto war on the Delaware . . . .182 Chap. II. — Of Jan Risingh, his giantly person and crafty deeds — and of the catastrophe at Fort Casimir 186 Chap. IIL — Showing how profound secrets are often brought to light ; with the proceedings of Peter the Headstrong when he heard of the misfortunes of Genial Van Poffenburgh . . . .191 Chap. IV Containing Peter Stuyvesant's voyage up the Hudson, and the wonders and delights of that renowned river . . .196 Chap. V. —Describing tiie powerful army that assembled at the city of New-Amsterdam, together with the interview between Peter the Headstrong and General Van Poffenburgh, and Peter's sentiments touching unfortunate great men 201 Chap. VL — In which the author discourses very ingeniously of himself; after which is to be found much interesting hi^ry about Peter the Headstrong and his followers 206 Chap. VII. — Showing the great advantage that the author has over his reader in time of battle ; together wiw divers portentous movements, which betoken that something terrible is about to happen . 213 Chap. VIIL — Containing the most horrible battle ever recorded in poetry or prose ; with the a£nirablo exploits of Peter the Headstrong 217 COMTENTS. Vll gthe 7 the -and 156 \Xy of 160 great iter to , 165 • — and . 168 Jonnec- r Peter . 169 lerlands eople of . 173 mander, tneasby and bis . 176 ^r HEAD- ABK. tPeter- alFrinta, . 182 ■and of . 186 to ligbt ; ' of the . 191 idson, and . 196 ke cit7 of jPeter the sntiments . 201 )f himself; Peter the . 906 „ over his movements, . 918 in poetry mg 217 Chap. IX. — In which the author and the reader, while reposing after the battle, fall into a Tery grave discourse, after which is recorded the conduct of Peter Stuyvesant after his rictoiy . . . Page 225 BOOK VII. OOMTAINIKO THE THIRD PABT Of THE EBION OF PETER THE HEAD- STRONO ; HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH NATIOK, AKD THE DECLINE AND PALL OF THE DUTCH DTNA8TT. Chap. L — How Peter Stnjrvesant relieved the sovereign people from the burthen of taking care of the nation ; with sundiy particulars of his conduct in the time of peace, and of the rise of a great Dutch aris- tocracy > . . 232 Chap. IL — How Peter Stnyresant laboured to dvilise the communis — how he was a great promoter of holidays —how he instituted kissing on New-Tear's Day — how he distributed fiddles throughout the New- Netherlands — how he ventured to reform the ladies' petticoats, and how he caught a Tartar ^ 237 Chap. UL — How troubles thicken on the province — ^how it is threatened by the Helderbergers^ the Merrylanders, and the giants of the Sus- quehanna 240 Chap. IV. — How Peter Stuyvesant adventured into Uie East Country, and how he fared there 242 Chap. V. — How the Yankees secretly sought the aid of the British Cabinet in their hostile schemes against the Manhattoes . . 247 Chap. VL — Of Peter Stuyvesant's expedition into the East Countiy, showing that, though an old bird, he did not understand trap . 248 Chap. VIL — How the people of New- Amsterdam were thrown into a great panic, by the news of the threatened invasion, and the nmnner in whidi th^ fortified themselves 252 Chap. VIIL — How the Grand Council of the New-Netherkmds were miraculously gifted with long tongues in the moment of emergency ; showing die value of words in warfare 254 Chap. IX. — In which the troubles of New- Amsterdam appear to thicken} showing the bravery, in time of peril, of a people who defend them- selves by resolutions 257 Chap. X. — Containing a doleful disaster of Antony the 'trumpeter; and how Peter Stuyvesant, like a second Cromwell, suddenly dissolved a Bump Parliament 263 CniP. XL — How Peter Stuyvesant defended the city of New- Amsterdam for several days, by dint of the strength of his head . . 267 Chap. XIL — Containing the dignified retirement, and mortal surrender of Peter the Headrtrong 272 CHi^. XIIL — The anthoTB reflections upon what has been said . 277 ▲ 4 THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. Thb following work, in which, at the oatset, nothing more was contemplated than a temporary jeu-d'eflprit, was commenced in company with my brother, the late Peter Irvina;, Esq. Our idea was to parody a small hand-book which had recently ap- peared, entitled " A Picture of New York." Like that, our work was to begin with an historical sketch; to be followed by notices of the customs, manners, and institutions of the city ; written in a serio-comic vein, and treating local errors, follies, and abuses with good-humour^ satire. To burlesque the pedantic lore displayed in certain American works, our historical sketch was to commence with the creation of the world ; and we laid all kinds of works under contribution for trite citations, relevant or irrelevant, to give it the pro^r tar of learned research. Before this crude mass of mock erudition could be digested into form, my brother departed for Europe, and I was left to prosecute the enterprise alone. I now altered the plan of the work. Discarding all idea of a parody on the Picture of New-Tork, I determined that what had been originally intended as an introductory sketch, should comprise the whole work, and form a comic history of the city. I accord- ingly moulded the mass of citations and disquisitions into intro- ductory chapters, forming the first book; out it soon became evident to me that, like Kobinson Crusoe with his boat, I had bcffun on too large a scale, and that, to launch my history success- fuUy, I must reduce its proportions. I accordmsly resolved to connne it to the period of the Dutch domination, whidi, in its rise, progress, and decline, presented that unity of sulnect required by classic rule. It was a period, also, at that time aunost a terra in- coornita in history. In fact, I was surprised to find how few of my fellow-citizens were aware that New-York had ever been called Kew- Amsterdam, or had heard of the names of its early Dutch governors, or cared a straw about their ancient Dutch progenitors. This, then, broke upon me as the poetic age of our city; poetic from its very obscurity ; and open, like the earlv and obscure days of ancient Rome, to all the embellishments of heroic fiction. I hailed my native city, as fortunate above all other American cities, in having an antiquity thus extending back into the re^ons of doubt and fable; neither did I conceive I was comnuttmg any THE author's APOLOOT. iz of a lat bad amprioo accord- intro- )ecaine I had access- Wed to its rise, iredby erra in- n of my n called Batch ^iton. poetic days taon*^ ^ ,n cities, gions of |[rieT0iu historical nn in helping out the few facts I could collect in this remote and forgotten resion with fisments of my own brain, or in giring characteristic attributes to the few names connected with it whidi I might dig up from oblivion. In this, doubtless, I reasoned like a young and inexperienced writer, besotted with his own fancies ; and my presumptuous tres- passes into this sacred, though nc^^lected, region of hutory have met with desenred rebuke from men of soberer minds. It is too late, however, to recall the shaft thus rashly launched. To any one whose sense of fitness it may wound, I can only say with Hamlet, Let ny dItcUiming from a purposed evil Free me m far in jrour moit generous thongbta, That I have shot my arrow o'er the home. And hurt my brother. I will say this in further apolo^ for my work : that if it has taken an unwarrantable liberty with our early provincial history, it has at least turned attention to that history, and provoked re- search. It is only since this work appeared, that the forgotten ar- chives of the province have been rummaced, and the facts and personages of the olden time rescued from the dust of oblivion, and elevated into whatever importance they may actually possess. The main object of my work, in fact, had a bearing wide from the sober aim of history, but one which, I trust, will meet with some indulgence from poetic minds. It was to embody the tradi- tions of our city in an amusing form ; to illustrate its local hu- mours, customs, and peculiarities ; to clothe home scenes and places and familiar names with those imaginative and whimsical associa- tions so seldom met with in our new country, but which live like charms and spells about the cities of the old world, binding the heart of the native inhabitant to his home. In this I have reason to believe I have in some measure suc- ceeded. Before the appearance of my work the popular traditions of our city were unrecorded ; the peculiar and racy customs and usages derived from our Dutch progenitors were unnoticed, or re- ffarded with indifference, or adverted to with a sneer. Now they rorm a convivial currency, and are brought forward on all ,occa> sions ; they link our whole community together in good humour and good fellowship ; they are the rallying points of home feeling ; the seasoning of our civic festivities ; the staple of local tales and local pleasantries ; and are so harped upon by our writers of popu- lar fiction, that I find myself almost crowded off the legendary ffround which I was the first to explore by the host who have fol- u>wed in my footsteps. I dwell on this head because, at the first appearance of my work, its aim and drift were misapprehended by some of the descendants of the Dutch worthies, and because I understand that now and then one may still be found to regard it with a captious eye. The far X NOTICES. greater part, however, I have reason to flatter myself, receive my good-humoured picturings in the same temper with which they were executed ; and when I find, afler a kipse of nearly forty years, this hatvhazard production of my youth still cherished among them; when I find its very name become a ** houoehold word," and used to give the home stamp to every thing recommended for popular acceptation, such as Knickerbocker societies, Knickerbocker in- surance companies, Knickerbocker steamboats, Knickerbocker om- nibuses, Knickerbocker bread, and Knickerbocker ice ; and when I found New-Yorkers of Dutch descent priding themselves upon being '* genuine Knickerbockers," I pleased myself with the per- suasion that I have struck the right chord ; that my dealings with the good old Dutch times, and the customs and usages derived from them, are in harmony with the feelings and humours of my towns- men ; that I have opened a vein of pleasant associations and quunt characteristics peculiar to my native place, and which its innabit- ants will not willingly suffer to pass away ; and that, though other histories of New-iork may appear of higher claims to learned acceptation, and mav take their dignified and appropriate rank in the family library, itnickerbocker s history will still be received with good-humoured indulgence, and be thumbed and chuckled over by the family fireside. W.L Sunnjriide, 1848. ftom h with ai answer •toge, « tbewdc buoJIe northwi To tht 1 Sir,- •bout AJ •ince. haodwril not retui POMofh WHICH APPBASED IN THE NEWSPAPESS PBEVIOUS TO TUB PUBLICATIOM or THIS WOBK. From Ike Epcning Post qf October M. IBOe. DISTRESSING. Left hit lodgings some time since, and has not since been heard of, a sinaU elderly gentleman, dretked in an old black coat and rocked hal^ by the name of Knieh$rhochgr. As there are some reasoi]* for believing he ut not entirely in his right mind, and as great antiety is entertained about him, any informa- tion concerning him, left either at the Columbian Hotel, Mulberry Street, or at the office of this psper, will be thankfully received. P. S. Printers ot newspapers would be aiding the cause of humanity in giving an intertioo to the above. From tht Mtme, Soo tm htr ff. IMS. To tht Editor of th« Evoning Poit ; Sir,— Having read, in your paper of the 36th October lent, a paragraph rsspeotiDg an old gentleman by the name of Knicktrbocktr, who was mttsing Inski Contaii policies, I nishing m which are the who precept*. This w( old gentle It is publi NOTICES. H from hU lodging* ; if it would be uy relief to hit friends, or fnrnith them with eny clue to m Ike $ame, November 16. 1800. To th$ Editor of ttu Eiwing Post : Sib,— You have been good enough to publish in your paper a paragraph about Mr. Ditdrieh KnicktrlMxktr, who was missing so strangely some tima since. Nothing satisfactory has been heard of the old gentleman since ; but a very airioui kind rf a written book has been found in his room, in his own handwriting. Now I wish you to notice him, if he is »till alive, that if he doee not return and pay off his bill for boarding aitd lodging, I shall have to dis- pose of his book to satisfy me for the same. I am, Sir, your humble servant, SbTH HikNDASIDB. Landlord of the Independtnt Columbian HotsI, MullMrrjr Strtet. i-i From Ike iome, Hotember 38. 1609. LITERARY NOTICE. Imskbxp and BRADroRD have in the press, and will shortly publish, A History of New-York, In two volumes, duodecimo. Price three dollars. Containing an account of its discovery and settlement, with its internal policies, manners, customs, wars, &c. &c., under the Dutch government, fur- nishing many curious and interesting particulars never before published, and which are gathered from various manuscript and other authenticated sources, the whole being interspersed with philosophical itpeculations and moral precepts. This work was found in the chamber of Mr. Diedrich Knickerbocker, th« old gentleman whose sudden and mysterious disappearance has been noticed. It is published in order to discharge certain debts be has left behind. ( 1 '■ ^ I -fi y JVoM Ike Amerlemm CUnen, December 6. IM9. Is this day published, By Inskbbp and BRAoroRo, No. 128. Broadway, A History of New-York, &c. Ate. (Contaioing ■•«« u above ) t; ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. It was some time, if I recollect right, in the early part of the autumn of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings at the " Independent Columbian Hotel" in Mulberry Street, of which I am landlord. He was a small, brisk-looking old gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of olive velvet breeches, and a small cxxsked hat. He had a few grey hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be of some eight-and-forty hours growth. The only piece of finery which he bore about him, was a bright pair of square silver shoebuckles, and all his baggage was contained in a pair of saddle-bags, which he carried under his arm. His whole appearance was something out of the common run; and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once set him down for some eminent country schoolmaster. As the " Independent Columbian Hotel " is a very small house, I was a little puzzled at first where to put him ; but my wife, who seemed taken with his looks, would needs put him in her best chamber, which is genteelly set off with the profiles of the whole family, done in black, by those two great painters, Jarvis and Wood ; and commands a very pleasant view of the new grounds on the Collect, together with the rear of the Poor House and Bridewell, and a full front of the Hospital ; so that it is the cheerfulest room in the whole house. During the whole time that he stayed with us, we found him a very worthy good sort of an old gentleman, thoush a little queer in his ways. He would keep in his room for days together, and if any of the children cried, or made a noise about his door, he would bounce out in a great passion, with his hands full of papers, and say something about " deranging his ideas;" which made my wife believe sometimes that he was not altogether eompot. Indeed, there was more than one reason to make her think so, for his room was always covered with scraps of pi4>er and old mouldy books, lying about at sis for hi so thi matte searcl out of made, was ti would month with S( "seeki ever, ti He I was coi prying larJy tt bustle i and cox part wi would c and pin and thr< two pai of the n coat off ui orac him to 1 on the h havebn the ques He w lotophin tice, I nc it was a then to this is •trtnger of great hand in As ou never re< found lugba |r days noise L with )nging lat he in one >vered about ACGOVNT OP THE AUTHOR. xtli at sixes and sevens, which he would never let any body touch ; for he said he hod laid them all away in their proper places, so that he might know where to find them ; though, for that matter, he was half his time worrying about the house in search of some book or writing which he had carefully put out of the way. I shall never iforget what a pother he once made, because my wife cleaned out his room when his back was turned, and put every thing to rights ; for he swore he would never be able to get his papers in order again in a twelve* month. Upon this my wife ventured to ask him what he did with so many books and papers ; and he told her, that he was "seeking for immortality," which made her think more than ever, that the poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked. He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his room was continually poking about town, hearing all the news, and prying into every thing that was going on : this was particu- larly the case about election time, when he did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, attending all ward meetings and committee-rooms ; though I could never find that he took part with either side of the question. On the contrary, he would come home and rail at both parties with great wrath ; and plainly proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife and three old ladies who were drinking tea with her, that the two parties were like two rogues, each tugging at the skirt of the nation ; and that in the end they would tear the very coat off its back, and expose its nakedness. Indeed he wat an oracle among the neighbours, who would collect around him to hear him talk of an afternoon, as he smoked his pipe on the bench before the door ; and I really believe he would have brought over the whole neighbourhood to his own aide of the question, if they could ever have found out what it was. He was very much given to argue, or, as he called it, ^At* lo»ophi»ey about the most trifling matter ; and to do him jus- tice, I never knew any body that was a match for him, except it was a grave looking old gentleman who called now and then to see him, and often pmed him in an argument. But this is nothing surprising, as I have since found out this •tranger is the city librarian, who, of course, must be a man of great learning ; and I have my doubts, if he had not some hand in the following history. As our lodger had been ajong time with us, and we had never received any pay, my wife began to be somewhat un- * '!!• :!! 1' y XIV ACCOUKT OF THE AUTHOR. easj, and curious to find out who and what he was. She accordingly made bold to put the question to his friend, the librarian, who replied in his dry way that he was one of the Uterati, which the supposed to mean some new party in politics. I scorn to push a lodger for his pay ; so I let day after day pass on without dunning the old gentleman for a farthing ; but my wife, who always takes these matters on herself, and is, as I said, a shrewd kind of a woman, at last got out of patience, and hinted, that she thought it high time '* some people should have a sight of some people*s money." To which the old gentleman replied, in a mighty touchy manner, that she need not make herself uneasy, for that he had a treasure there (pointing to his saddle-bags), worth her whole Louse put together. This was the only answer we could ever get from him ; and as my wife, by some of those odd ways in which women find out every thing, learnt that he was of very great connections, being related to the Knick- erbockers of Scaghtikoke, and cousin-german to the congress- man of that name, she did not like to treat him uncivilly. What is more, she even offered, merely by way of making things easy, to let him live scot-free, if he would teach the children their letters ; and to try her best and get her neighbours to send their children also ; but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, and seemed so affronted at being taken for a schoolmaster, that she never dared to speak on the subject again. About two months ago, he went out of a morning, with a bundle in his hand, and has never been heard of since. All kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. I wrote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for answer, that he had not been there since the year before last, when he had a great dispute with the congressman about politics, and left the place in a huff, and they had neither heard nor seen any thing of him from that time to this. I must own I felt very much worried about the poor old gentleman, for I thought something bad must have happened to him, that he should be missing so long, and never return to pay his bill. I there- fore advertised him in the newspapers, and though my me- lancholy advertisement was published by sevenU humane Jtrinters, yet I have never been able to learn any thing satis^ actory about him. My wife now said it was high time to take care of our- selves, that w nothing and his the libr clothes, over thi treasure proved l YOBK,^ us that ] public, t arrears i schoolma press, wl added to This, 1 ing this 1 author: i I much f< ready to Which is independ The foi first editi letter wat small Dut had trave records. Jnto which of surpns the nume him, andt by mere at He ezpi M thereby correction! curiouf hii ACOOUKT or TBS AVTHOB. XV ■elves, and see if he had left anything behind in his room, that would pay us for his board and lodging. We found nothing, however, but some old books, .and musty writings, and his saddle-bags ; which, being opened in the presence of the librarian, contained only a few articles of worn-out clothes, and a large bundle of blotted paper. On lookin^^ over this, the librarian told us, he had no doubt it was the treasure which the old gentleman had spoken about ; as it proved to be a most excellent and faithful History of New- YoBK, which he advised us by all means to publish, assuring us that it would be so eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that he had no doubt it would be enough to pay our arrears ten times over. Upon this we got a very learned schoolmaster, who teaches our children, to prepare it for the press, which he accordingly has done; and has, moreover, added to it a number of valuable notes of his own. This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons for hav- ing this work printed, without waiting for the consent of the author : and I here declare, that if he ever returns, (though I much fear some unhappy accident has befallen him,) I stand ready to account with him like a true and honest man. Which is all at present. From the Public's humb e servant, Seth Handaside. Independent Columbian Hotel, New- York. our- The foregoing account of the author was prefixed to the first edition of this work. Shortly after its publication a letter was received from him, by Air. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch village on the banks of the Hudson, whither he had travelled for the purpose of inspecting certain ancient records. As this was one of those few and happy villages, into which newspapers never find their way, it is not a matter of surprise, that Mr. Knickerbocker should never have seen the numerous advertisements that were made concerning him, and that he should learn of the publication of his history by mere accident. He expressed much concern at its premature appearance, as thereby he was prevented from making several important corrections nnd alterations ; as well as from profiting by many curioua hints which he had collected during hit travels along !-i| li XVt ACCOUNT OF THB ▲UTHOB. the shores of the Tappan Sea, and his sojourn at HaTerstraw and Esopus. Finding that there was no longer any immediate necessity for his return to New- York, he extended his journey up to the residence of his relations at Scaghtikoke. On his way thither, he stopped for some days at Albany, for which ci^ he is known to have entertained a great partiality. He found it, however, considerably altered, and was much concerned at the inroads and improvements which the Yankees were making, and the consequent decline of the good old Dutch manners. Indeed, ho was informed that these intruders were making sad innovations in all parts of the state ; where they had given great trouble and vexation to the regular Dutch settlers, by the introduction of turnpike gates and country school-houses. It is said, also, that Mr. Knicker- bocker shook his head sorrowfully at noticing the gradual decay of the great Yander Heyden Palace ; but was highlv indignant at finding that the ancient Dutch church, which stood in the middle of the street, had been pulled down since his last visit. The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's history having reached even to Albany, he received much flattering attention from its worthy burghers, some of whom, however, pointed out two or three very great errors he had fallen into, particularly that of suspending a lump of sugar over the Albany tea-tables, which, they assured him, had been discontinued for some years past. Several families, moreover, were somewhat piqued that their ancestors had not been mentioned in his work, and showed great jealousy of their neighbours who had thus been distinguished ; while the latter, it must be confessed, plumed themselves vastly thereupon, considering these recordings in the light of letters-patent of nobility, es- tablishing their claims to ancestry — which, in this repub- lican country, is a matter of no little solicitude and vainglory. It is also said, that he enjoyed high favour and counte- nance from the governor, who once asked him to dinner, and was seen two or three times to shake hands with him, when they met in the street; which certainly was going great lengths, considering that they differed in politics. Indeed, certain of the governor's confidential friends, to whom he could venture to speak his mind freely on such matters, haye assured us, that he privately entertained a considerable good will and that gentl to su irritti lu'stoi profit In the Bet Was I bjrMi his cir drink j Cooks Bnd a c testimo works i Heidelt •ccount Shickei Havi author j ■ay.he^ fill lovi family. 1 Bidered a with wh contract( In sp their gre hecame i lished, h( or any u to a bus and, had habits, th politics, ( Me men < It is tr iecond rect and 11 ACCOCXT OF THE At'THOB. z%*il will for our author ; nny,he even once went so for nn to declare, and thnt openly too, and at his own tables just after dinner, that ** Knickerbocker was a very well meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no fool." From all which many have been led to suppose, that had our author been of different politics, and written for the newspapers instead of wasting his talents on liistorics, he might have risen to some post of honour, and profit: peradventure, to be a notary public, or even a justice in the ten-pound court. Beside tlie honours and civilities already mentioned, he was much caressed by the literati of Albany ; particularly Inr Mr. John Cook, who entertained him very hospitably at hifl circulating library and reading room, where they used to drink Spa water, and talk about the ancients. He found Mr. Cook a man after his own heart — of great literary research, tind a curious collector of books. At parting, the latter, in testimony of friendship, made him a present of the two oldest works in his collection •, which were the earliest edition of the Heidelberg Catechism, and Adrian Vander Donck's famous account of the New-Netherlands : by the last of which, Mr, Knickerbocker profited greatly in this his second edition. Having passed some time very agreeably at Albany, our author proceeded to Scaghtikoke : where, it is but justice to say, he was received with open arms, and treated with wonder* ful loving-kindness. He was much looked up to by the family, being the first historian of the name ; and was con* sidered almost as great a man as his cousin the congressman—. with whom, by the by, he became perfectly reconciled, and contracted a strong friendship. In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations, and their great attention to his comforts, the old gentleman soon became restless and discontented. His history being pub- lished, he had no longer any business to occupy his thoughts, or any scheme to excite his hopes and anticipations. This, to a busy mind like his, was a truly deplorable situation ; and, had he not been a man of inflexible morals and regular habits, there would have been great danger of his taking to politics, or drinking — both which pernicious vices we daily •ee men driven to, by mere spleen and idleness. It is true, he sometimes employed himself in preparing a second edition of his history, wherein he endeavoured to cor- rect and improve many passages with which be was diisatis- lit I il i ii X ■'< M jnrni ▲OOOUHT OP TBB AVTBOB. fitd, and to rectify some mistakes that had erept into it ; fiir he was particularlj anxious that his work should be noted for its authenticity ; which, indeed, is the very life and 9011I of history. But the glow of composition had departed-— he had to leave many places untouched, which he would fiua have altered ; and even where he did make alterationiy he teemed always in doubt whether they were for the better or the worse* After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke,hebeganto feel n strong desire to return to New- York, which he ever re- garded with the warmest affection; not merely because it w^b his native city, but because he really considered it the very (best city in ^e whole world. On his return, he entered .into the full enjoyment of the advantages of a literary repor ,tation. He was continually importuned to write advertise- ments, petitions, handbills, and productions of similar imp vesants had granted him on the family domain, in gratitude for his honourable mention of their ancestor. It was plea- santly situated on the borders of one of the salt marshes be- yond Corlear's Hook ; subject, indeed, to be occasionally overflowed, and much infested, in the summer time, wi^ musqaittos; but otherwise very agreeable, producing abna- diot crops of salt grass and buhrushes. Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell dan- ^rously ill of a fever, occasioned by the neighbouring marshes. .When he found his end approaching, he dispoMd of his worldly affairs, leaving the bulk of his fortune to the New York Historical Society ; his Heidelberg Catechism and Yander Donck's work to the city library ; and his saddle- hags to Mr. Handaside. He forgave all his enemies — that ii to say, all who bore any enmity towards him } for as to himself, he declared he died in good will with all the world. And, after dictating several kind messages to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as to certain of our most substantial Dutch citizens, he expired in the arms of his friend, the librarian* His remains were interred, according to his own request, in St. liark's churchyard, close by the bones of his favourite hero^ Peter Stuyvesant ; and it is rumoured, that the His- torical Society have it in mind to erect a wooden monument to his memory in the Bowling Green. m IN i i|^ a a . a . ?! I'n TO THE PUBLIC. ^'To rescue from oblivion the memory of former inciaenu; and to render a just tiibute of renown to the manj great and ^ronderful transactions of our Dutch progenitors, Diedrich Knickerbocker, native of the city of New York, produces this historical essay."* Lik>3 the great Father of History, whose words I have just quoted, I trea^ of times long past, over which the twilight of uncertainty had already tlirown its shadows, and the night of forgetfulness was about to descend for ever. With great solicitude had I long beheld the early history of this venerable and ancient city gradually slipping from our grasp, trembling on the lips of narrative old age, and day by day dropping piecemeal into the tomb. In a little while, thought I, and those reverend Dutch bur- ghers, who serve as the tottering monuments of good old times, will be gathered to their fathers ; their children, en- grossed by the empty pleasures or insignificant transactions of the present age^ will neglect to treasure up the recollec- tions of the past, and posterity will search in vain for me- morials of the days of the patriarchs. The origin of our city will be buried in eternal oblivion, and even the names and achievements of Wouter Van Twiller, William Kieft, and Peter Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and fiction, like those of Homulus and Remus, of Charlemagne, king Arthur, Binaldo, and>6odfrey of Boulogne. Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threatened misfortune, I industriously set myself to work to gather to- gether all the fragments of our infant history which still existed; and, like my revered prototype, Herodotus, where no written records could be found, I have endeavoured to con- tinue the chain of history by well-authenticated traditions. In this arduous undertaking, which has been the whole business of a long and solitary Ufe, it is incredible the number * BdM*!! Herodotoi, ©flei pose, excel aren ofth govei curioi ceedii inortl vetanl have ] chests and I] from d questec I negle by that York! my sine In tb Individu myself 1 the most inaintaii to truth manner ( drawn it with 8weeten< infused i nificence lam a learned the bold I to be can alluremei tMinks an torian, ai his wayf always re journey t myself hfl ktened ler to- gtiU ere no cott- ons, whole umber TO THE PUBLIC lod of learned authors I have consulted, and all but to little pur- pose. Strange as it may seem, though such multitudes of excellent works have been written about this country, there are none extant which gave any full and satisfactory account of the early history of New York, or of its three first Dutch governors. I have, however, gained much valuable and curious matter, from an elaborate manuscript, written in ex- ceeding pure and classic low Dutch, excepting a few errors in orthography, which was found in the archives of the Stuy- vesant family. Many legends, letters, and other documents have I likewise gleaned in my researches among the family chests and lumber gnrrets of our respectable Dutch citizens ; and I have gathered a host of well* authenticated traditions from divers excellent old ladies of my acquaintance, who re- quested that their names might not be mentioned. Nor must I neglect to acknowledge how greatly I have been assisted by that admirable and praiseworthy institution, the Nkw- YoRK Historical Societt, to which I here publicly return my sincere acknowledgments. In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted no individual model ; but, on the contrary, have simply contented myself with combining and concentrating the excellences of the most approved ancient historians. Like Xenophon, I have maintained the utmost impartiality, and the strictest adherence to truth throughout my history. I have enriched it after the manner of Sallust, with various characters of ancient worthies, drawn at full length and faithfully coloured. I have seasoned it with profound political speculations like Thucydides, sweetened it with the graces of sentiment like Tacitus, and infused into the whole the dignity, the grandeur, and mag- nificence of Livy. I am aware that I shall incur the censure of numerous very learned and judicious critics, for indulging too frequently in the bold excursive manner of my favourite Herodotus. And to be candid, I have found it impossible always to resist the allurements of those pleasing episodes, which, like fiowery banks and fragrant bowers, beset the dusty road of the his- torian, and entice him to turn aside, and refresh himself from his wayfaring. But I trust it will be found that I have always resumed my staff, and addressed mjraelf to my weary journey with renovated spirits, so that both my readers and myself have been benefited by the relaxation. i V .(*' ; •t:1 ^ 111 mi kzii 10 TBB FUBLIO; I Indeed, thon^h it has been mj conttult wUh and nnifMm endeavour to rival Polybius himself, in observing the r»> qoiaite vnity of historj, yet the loose and unconnected manner in which many d the facts herein recorded have come to hand, rendered such an attempt extremely difficult. This difficulty was likewise increased by one of the grand otgects contemplated in my work, which was to trace the rise of sundry customs and institutions in this best of cities, and to compare them, when in the germ of infancy, with what they are in the present old age of knowledge and improvement But the chief merit on which I value myself, and found my hopes for future regard, is that faithful veracity with which I •have compiled this invaluaUe little work ; carefully winnow- ing away the chaff of hypothesis, and discarding the tarea of fable, which are too apt to spring up and choke the teeds of truth and wholesome knowledge. Had I been anxious to captivate the superficial throng, who skim like swallows over 'the surface of literature ; or had I been anxious to commend my writings to the pampered palates of literary epicures, J might have availed myself of the obscurity that overshadows the infifint years of our city, to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions. But I have scrupulously discarded many a pithy tale and marvelloas adventure, wherebpr the drowsy ear c^ •nmmer indolence might be enthralled ; jealously maintaining that fidelity, gravity, and dignity, which should ever distin- guish the historian. *< For a writer of this class,** observes an elegant critic, *' must sustain the character of a wise mati, writing for the instruction of posterity ; one who has studied to inform himself well, who has pondered his subject with «Br6, and addresses himself to our judgment rather than to oar imagination.** Thrice happy, therefore, is thiti oui^ renowned city, in having incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history ; •ad doubly thrice happy is it in having such an historian as myself to relate them. For after all, gentle reader, cities ttf ihetnselvett and, in fact, empires of thenuelves, are nothing inthout an historian. It is the patient narrator who recoil ■their prosperity as they rise— who blazons forth the splendour of their noontide meridian— who props their feeble memo- rials^ as they totter to decay—- who gathers togethw their i..3attered fragments as they rot — and who piously, at le: *th, collects their ashes into the mausoleum of his work,and reai^ • ttioi Wl whose Asia, have I temen •aty 1 among duJge 1 tteden confine pblivioi struetiv **Wa nations, and thei been ex have esc The a •ndent c to nine-t globe. ' history i, with the in the ru case witi it from ( that thos, the wide] dragged i Dion8ter*sl And hen hited, anc ffoe en gai serve as after rais^ until ITni with GibL And nol pen, skip { three hunj in T^tO^ TO nm PUBLMb • iBOBiiiMiit that wffl transmit their nmown to all tucoeedinf ages. What has heen the fate of maay fair cities of antiqoi^, whose namdess rains encumber the plains of Eurcpe and Asia, and awaken the fraitless inqoirj of the traveller ? Therf have sunk into dost and silence — they have perished from l«memhranoe for want of an historian \ The philanthn^ist nay weep over their desolation — the poet may wander among their mouldering arches and broken columns, and iar dulge the visionary flights of his fancy — but, alas I alas! the modem historian, whose pen, like my own, is doomed to confine itself to dull matter of fact, sedis in vain among their oblivious remains for some memorial that may tell the in- structive tale of thdr glory and their ruin. I '* Wars, conflagrations, deluges,** says Aristotle, *< destroy nations, and with them all their monuments, their disqoveries^ and their vanities. The torch of science has more than once been extinguished and rekindled — a few individuals, who have escaped by accident, reunite the thread of generations." The same sad misfortune which has happened to so many ancient cities, will happen again, and from the same sad cause, to nine-tenths of those which now flourish on the face of the globe. With most of them the time for recording their early history is gone by ; their origin, their foundation, together with the eventful period of their youth, are for ever buried in the rubbish of years ; and the same would have been the case with this fair portion of the earth, if I had not snatched it from obscurity in the very nick of time, at the moment that those matters herein recorded were about entering into the wide-spread insatiable maw of oblivion — if I had not dragged them out, as it were, by the very locks, just as the monster's adamantine fangs were closing upon them for ever ! And here have I, as before observed, carefully collected, col- lated, and arranged them, scrip and scrap, **punt en punt, gat en gat^ and commenced in this little work, a history to serve as a foundation, on which other historians may here- after raise a noble superstructure, swelling in process of time, until Knickerbocker's New-York may be equally voluminous with Gibbon's Rome, or Hume and SmoUefs England! And now indulge me for a moment, while I lay down my pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of two or three hundred years ahead ; and, casting back a bird's-eye P .1 '4t' XXIT aX> THE PU0LIO. glance over the waste of jean that is to roll between, dis- cover myself — little I — at this moment the progenitor, pro- totjpe, and precursor of them all, posted at the head of this host of literary worthies, with my book under my arm, and New- York on my back, pressing forward, like a gallant com- mander, to honour and immortality. Such are the vainglorious imaginings that will now and then enter into the brain of the author — that irradiate, as with celestial light, his solitary chamber, cheering his weary spirits, and animating him to persevere in his labours. And I have freely given utterance to these rhapsodies whenever they have occurred ; not, I trust, from an unusual spirit of egotism, but merely that the reader may for once have an idea, how nn author thinks and feels while he is writing — a kind of knowledge very rare and curious, and much to be desired. . s- o- kis ad »- ind Lnd sver t of i an be HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. ,\ BOOK I. CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND PniLOSOPIIIC SPECULATIONS, CONCERNING THE CREATION AND IH)PU- LATION OF THE WORLD, AS CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORT OF NEW-YORK. CHAPTER I. According to the best authorities, the world in which we dwell is a huge, opaque, reflectiii*;, inanimate moss, floatin;; in the vast ethereal ocean of inlinitc space. It has the form of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously flattened ut opposite parts, for the insertion of two imaginary pules, tvhich are supposed to penetrate ond unite at the centre ; thus forming an axis on which the mighty orange turns with a regular diurnal revolution. The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed the alternations of day and night, are produced by this diurnal rrvolutiun successively presenting the ditferent parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. The latter is, according to the best, that is to say, the latest accounts, a luminous or iicry body, of a prodigious magnitude, from which this world is driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is drawn by a centripetal or attractive force ; otherwise called the attraction of gravitation ; the combination, or rather the counteraction, of these two opposing impulses producing a circular nnd annual revolution. Hence result tiie ditferent seasons of the year, viz., spring, summer, autumn, and winter. This I believe to be the moat approved modern theory on the subject — thougli there be many philosophers who have entertained very different opinions ; some, too, of them en- titled to much deference from their great antiquity and il- lustrious characters. Thus it was advanced by some of the ancient sages, that the earth was an extendtid plain, supported by vast pillars ; and by others, that it rested on the head of a snake, or the back of a huge tortoise — but os they did not pro- vide a resting place for cither the pillars or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to tlie ground, for want of proper foundation. \ r M ■i \ I I i i( 'tt 1(1 2 HISTORY OF NEW. YORK. [bOOK I. The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon the earth, nnd the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in the water, moving from east to west by day, and gliding along the edge of the horizon to their original stations during night* ; while, according to the Pauranicas of India, it is a vast plain, en- circled by seven oceans of milk, nectar, and other delicious liquids ; that it is studded with seven mountains, and orna- mented in the centre by a mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and that a great dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts for the phenomena of lunar eclipses, f liesidc these, and many other equally sage opinions, we have the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-Aly, son of Al Khan, son of Aly, son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son of Masoudel-Hadheli, who is commonly called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbiddin, but who takes the humble title of Laheb-nr-rasoul, which means the companion of the ambas- sador of God. He has written a universal history, entitled " Mouroudge-ed-dharab, or the Golden Meadows, and the IMines of Precious Stones.''^ In this valuable work he has related the history of the world, from the creation down to the moment of writing ; which was under the Khali phat of Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadi>el-aoual of the 336th year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina constituting the head, Persia and India the right wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us, moreover, that an earth has existed before the present (which he con- siders as a mere chicken of 7000 years), that it has undergone divers deluges, and that, according to the opinion of some well-informed Brahmins of his acquaintance, it will be re- novated every seventy thousandth hazurouam ; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 years. These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of phi- losophers concerning the earth, and wo find that the learned have had equal perplexity as to the nature of the sun. Some of the ancient philosophers have affirmed that it is a vast wheel of brilliant Hre^ ; others that it is merely a mirror or sphere of transparent crystal || ; and a third class, at the head * Fario y Son/a ; Mick. lu». note b. 7. f Sir W. Joncg, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod. X M8S. nil»Iiot. lioi. Fr. § I'lutarch do placitis Phil. lil». li. Clip. 20. II Achill. Tat. innjc. cnp. 10. ; Ap. Tetav. t.iiL p. 81.} Stub. Eclog. I'liys. lib. i. p. 66. } Pint do Flue. Fhl. Plut. du 1. il. r. a Hint. Ph ■^re" lAntin. l> Phil. CHAP. 1.J nfOENHOUS THEORIES AM> SPECULATIONS. 8 of whom stands Anaxngoras, maintnincd that it was nothing but a huge ignited ninss of iron or stone — inde(>d, he doclnred the heavens to be merely a vault of stone — and that the stars were stones whirled upward from the earth, and set on tire by the velocity of its revolutions.* But I give little atten- tion to the doctrines of this philosopher, the people of Athens having fully refuted them, by banishing him from their city; a concise mode of answering unwelcome doctrines, much re- sorted to in former days. Another sect of philosophers do declare, that certain fiery particles exhale constantly from the earth, which, concentrating in a single point of the fir- mament by day, constitute the sun, but being scattered and rambling about in the dark at night, collect in various points, and form stars. These are regularly burnt out and extin- guished, not unlike to the lamps in our street, and require a fresh supply of exhalations for the next occasion, f It is even recorded, that at certain remote and obscure periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the sun has been completely burnt out, and sometimes not rekindled for a month at a time. A most melancholy circumstance, the very idea of which gave vast concern to Heraclitus, that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. In addition to these various speculations, it was the opinion of Uerschel, that the sun is a magnificent, habitable abode ; the light it furnishes arising from certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds, swimming in its transparent atmosphere, f But we will not enter farther at present into the nature of the sun, that being an inquiry not immediately nert-ssary to the development of this history; noitlier will we embroil ourselves in any more of the endless disputes of philosophers touching the form of this globe, but content ourselves with the theory advanced in the beginning of this chapter, and will proceed to illustrate, by experiment, the complexity of motion therein ascribed to this our rotatory planet. Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the name may be rendered into English,) was h)ng celebrated in the university of Leyden, for profound gravity of deportment * DiofKcnet Lacrtias in Anaxaj?. 1. ii. sec. 8. ; Pint. Apol. t. i. p. 'JQ. i Plut. do Plac. Philo. i Xonuph. Mum. I. iv. p. 815. f Ariatot. Mutour. I. ii. r, a. } Idem. Probl. see-. 16. ; Htob. Kcl. Phj(«. I. i. p. 56. ; Bnick. Hint. Phil. t. i. n. 1 154, kc. X ''''''"«• ^'™"»- 1795, p. 78. { Idem. IROl, p.S65. ) Nich. I'hiloi. Junm. i. p. 13. B '2 I r ' i ■1 m ltd Ii 4 niSTORY OF KKW-YORK. [bOOK T. nnd a talent at going to sleep in the midst of examinations, to the infinite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby worked tiieir way through college with great ease and little study. In the course of one of his lectures, the learned pro- fessor seizing a bucket of water, swung it around his head nt firm's length. The impulse with which ho threw the vessel from him, being a centrifugal force, the retention of his arm operating us u centripetal power, and the bucket, which was a substitute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about the globular head and ruby visage of Pro- fessor Von PoUdingcoft, which formed no bad representation of the sun. All of these particulars were duly explained to the class of gaping students around him. He apprised them, moreover, that the same principle of gravitation, which re- tained the water in the bucket, restrains the ocean from flying from the earth in its rapid revolutions ; and he farther in- formed them that should the motion of the earth be suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall into the sun, through the centripetal force of gravitation : a most ruinous event to this planet, and one which would also obscure, though it most probably would not extinguish, the solar luminary. An un- lucky stripling, one of those vagrant geniuses who seem sent into the world merely to annoy worthy men of the pudding- head order, desirous of ascertaining the correctness of the experiment, suddenly arrested the arm of the professor, just at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith, which im- mediately descended with astonishing precision upon the philosophic head of the instructor of youth. A hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss, attended the contact ; but the theory was in the amplest manner illustrated, for the unfortunate bucket perished in the conflict ; but the blazing countenance of Pro- fessor Von Poddingcoft emerged from amidst the waters, glowing fiercer tlian ever with unutterable indignation, whereby the students were marvellously edified, and departed considerably wiser than before. It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly perplexes many a painstaking philosopher, that nature often refuses to second his most profound and elaborate efi'orts ; so that after having invented one of the mostingenious and natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness to act directly in the teeth of his svstem, and flatly contradict his most fa- vorite positions. This is a nianii'est and unmerited grievance Having and git naturaJl Cnxr.!.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECULATIONS. $ since it throws thu censure of the vulgar and unlcnrned entirely upon the phUo8t)pher ; whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably correct, but to the waywardness of dame nature, who, with the pro- verbial fickleness of her sex, is continually indulging in coquetries and caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in violating all philosophic rules, and jilting the most learned and indefatigable of her adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the foregoing satisfactory explanation of the motion of our planet ; it appears that the centrifugal force has long since ceased to 3perate, while its antagonist remains in undimi- nished potency : the world, therefore, according to the theory as it originally stood, ought in strict propriety to tumble into the sun ; philosophers were convinced that it would do so, and awaited in anxious impatience the fulfilment of their prognostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously con- tinued her course, notwithstanding that she had reason, philosophy, and a whole university of learned professors op- posed to her conduct. The philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is thought they would never have pardoned the slight and affront which they conceived put upon them by the world, liad not a good-natured professor kindly otficiated as a mediator between the parties, and etfocted a reconciliation. Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the theory, he wisely determined to accommodate the theory to the world ; ho therefore informed his brother philosophers, that the circular motion of the earth round the sun was no sooner en- gendered by the conflicting impulses above described, thau it became a regular revolution independent of the causes which gave it origin. His learned brethren readily joined in the opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation that would decently extricate them from their embarrassment — and ever since that memorable era the world has been left to take her own course, and to revolve around the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper. CHAP. ir. Having thus briefly introduced my render to the world, and given him some idea of its form and riluation, he will naturally bo curious to know from whence it came, and how a S I: It I 1 M I ll 6 HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. [dOOK I. it was created. And, indeed, the clearing up of these points is absolutely esi^ential to my history, inasmuch as if this world had not been formed, it is more than probable, that this renowned island on which is situated the city of New- York would never have had an existence. The regular course of my history, therefore, requires that I should pro- ceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of this our globe. And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as complete a laby- rinth ns ever historian was perplexed withal : therefore, I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep close at my heels, venturing neither to the right hand nor to tlic left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible learning, or have their brains knocked out by some of those hard Greek names which will be flying about in all directions. But should any of them be too indolent or chicken-hearted to ac- company me in this perilous undertaking, they had better take a short cut round, and wait for me at the beginning of some smoother chapter. Of the creation of the world we have a thousand contra- dictory accounts; and though a very satisfactory one is furnished us by divine revelation, yet every philosopher feels himself in honor bound to furnish us with a better. As an impartial historian, I consider it my duty to notice their several theories, by which mankind have been so exceedingly edified and instructed. Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that the earth and the whole system of the universe was the Deity himself* ; a doctrine most strenuously maintained by Zeno- phanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also by Strabo and the sect of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras likewise inculcated the famous numerical system of the monad, dyad, and triad, and by means of his sacred quaternary elucidated the formation of the world, the arcana of nature, and the principles both of music and morals, f Other sages adhered to the mathematical system of square mc*. triangles, the cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ; the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahedron, and the dodecahedron. { While others advocated the great elementary theory, which refers Aristot. np. Cic. lib. i. cnp. 3. t Aristot. Metaph. lib. L c. 5. ; Idoin. do Ccelu. 1. iii. c. 1. ; Uonsscau in(.-m. sur Musique ancien. p. 39. ; Plntai-ch de I'lac. Philos. lib. i. cap. 3. % '^'■'"- ^^'^^' ^P* FlAta t itl p. 90. Cic. t M iii.: cewisc dyad, idated id the hered , the n, the While refers L c. 5. ; p. 39. ; iti. p. 90. CHAP. II.] INUENI0U8 THEORIES AND SrV.CUI.ATIONS. 7 the constrnctioti of our globe and all that it contains to the combinations of four inuteriiil elements, nir, cartli, iirc, and water ; with the assistance of n fifth, an immaterial and vivifying principle. Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system taught by old Moschus, before the sie^eof Troy ; revived by Demo- critus of laughing memory ; improved by Epicurus, that king of good fellows, and modernized by the fanciful Descartes. But I decline inquiring, whether the atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are eternal or recent ; whether they are animate or inanimate ; whether, agreeably to the opinion of the atheists, they were fortuitously aggregated, or, as the theists maintain, were arranged by a supreme in- telligence.* Whether, in fact, the earth be an insensate clod, or whether it be animated by a soulf ; which opinion was strenuously maintained by a host of philosophers, at the head of whom stands the great Plato, that temperate sage, who threw the cold water of philosophy on the form of sexual in- tercourse, and inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love — an exquisitely refmed intercourse, but much better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary island of Atlantis than to the sturdy race, composed of rebellious flesh and blood, which populates the little matter-of-fact island we inhabit. Beside these systems, we have, moreover, the poetical thco- gonyof old Hesiod, who generated the whole universe in the regular mode of procreation ; and the plausible opinion of others, that the earth M'as hatched from the great egg of night, which floated in chaos, and was cracked by the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last doctrine, Burnet, in his theory of the earth |, has favored us with an accurate drawing and description, both of the form and texture of this mundane egg ; which is found to bear a marvellous re- semblance to that of a goose. Such of my readers as take n proper interest in th(5 origin of tliis our planet, will be pleased to learn, that the most profound sages of antiquity among the Egyptians, Clmldeaus, Persians, Greeks, and Latins, have alternately assisted at the hatching of this strange bird, and that their cacklings have been caught, and • Aristot. Nat. Auscult 1. ii. cap. 0. ; Arirtt, i. cap. 10. ; Justin Mii omt. nil gunt. ]). 20. t Moshcim in Clidw. lilt. i. ca)>. 4. ; Tim. du aiiiiii. iniiiul. ap. I'lat. lib. iiL ; Mem. do TAcnU. dcs Belles- Ix'ttr. t. .\xxiL p. 19. X ^^^ >• ch. 5. H I ♦ t •■ M M I m ti' 8 niSTORT OF NEW-YORK. [UOOK 1. continued in different tones and inflections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto the present day. But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems of ancient sages, let me not pass over with neglect those of other philosophers ; which, though less universal and renowned, Imve equal claims to attention, and equal chance for cor- rectness. Thus it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo, transforming liimself into a great boar, plunged into the watery abyss, and brought up the earth on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tortoise, and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon the back of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the head of the snake.* The negro philosophers of Congo affirm that the world was made by the hands of angels, excepting their own country, which the Supreme Being constructed himself, thafe it might be supremely excellent. And he took great pains with the inhabitants, and made them very black, and beau- tiful ; and when he had finished the first man, he was well pleased with him, and smoothed him over the face, and hence his nose, and the nose of all his descendants, became fiat. The Muhawk philosophers tell us, that a pregnant woman fell down from heaven, ond that a tortoise took her upon its back, because every place was covered with water ; and that the woman, sitting upon the tortoise, paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the earth, whence it finally happened that the earth became higher than the water.f But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, iii despite of uU their erudition, compelled them to write in languages which but few of my readers can understand ; and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible and fashionable theories of their modern successors. And, first, I shall mention the great Huffon, who conjectures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of the sun, by tlie percussion of a comet, as n spar!; is generated by the collision of flint and steel. That at first it was surrounded by gross vapors, which, cooling and condensing in process of time, constituted, according to their depsitics, earth, water, and air ; which gradually arranged * IIolwoll, Gent. PhiloMiphy. f Johannes Mc|;apolonti>, Jan. Ac* ooont of Moquoofl or Muhawk Indians. Ill ectures ktillated et. as u That at ,ng and to their rranged Jan. Ac« CHAP. II.] INORNIOnS TnEORIGS AND SPECULATIONS. 9 themselves, according to their respective gravities, round the burning or vitrified mass that funned their centre. Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at first were universally paramount ; and he terrifies himscli' with the idea that the earth must be eventually wa!*hed away by the force of rain, rivers, and mountain torrents, until it is confounded with the ocean, or, in other words, absolutely dissolves into itself. — Sublime idea! far surpassing that of the tender-hearted damsel of antiquity, who wept herself into a fountain ; or the good dame of Narbonne in France, who, for a volubility of tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred thousand and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually run out at her eyes before half the hideous task was acxsomplished. Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled Ditton in his researches ai'ter the longitude (for which the mischief-loving Swift discharged on their heads a most savoury stanza), hasdistinguished himself by a very admirable theory respecting the earth. He conjectures that it was originally a chcMtic comets which, being selected for the al)ode of man, was removed from its eccentric orbit, and whirled round the sun in its present regular motion ; by which change of direction, order succeeded to confusion in the ar- rangement of its component parts. The philosopher adds, that the deluge was produced by an uncourteous salute from the watery tail of another comet ; doubtless through sheer envy of its improved condition : thus furnishing a melancholy proof that jealousy may prevail even among the heavenly bodies, and discord interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres so melodiously sung by the poets. But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and Whitehurst ; regretting extremely that my time will not suffer me to give them the notice they deserve — and shall conclude with that of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This learned Theban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme as reason, and for good-natured credulity as serious research, and wlio has recommended himself wonderfully to the good graces of the ladies, by letting them into all the gallantries, amours, debaucheries, and other topics of scandal of the court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory worthy of his combustible imagination*. Ac- cording to his opinion, the huge massof chuos took a sudden i , : i -f ■h- M i 10 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK 1. occnsion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that act exploded the sun — which, in its flight, by a similar con- vulsion, exploded the earth, which in like guise exploded the moon — and thus, by a concatenation of explosions, the whole solar system was produced, and set most systematically in motion !* By the jrreat variety of theories here alluded to, every one of which, if thoroughly examined, will be found surprisingly consistent in all its parts, my unlearned readers will perhaps be led to conclude, that the creation of a world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined. I have shown at least a score of ingenious methods in which a world could be constructed ; and I have no doubt, that had any of the phi- losophers above quoted the use of a good manageable comet, and the philosophical warehouse chaos at his command, he would engage to manufacture a planet as good, or, if you would take his word for it, better than this we inhabit. And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Pro- vidence, in creating comets for the great relief of bewildered philosophers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions and transitions are effected in the b)3tem of nature, than are wrought in a pantomimic exhibition by the wonder-working sword of Harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in his theoretical flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize a comet by the beard, mount astride of its tail, and away he gallops in triumph like an enchanter on his hyppogrifi*, or a Connecticut witch on her broomstick, <'to sweep the cobwebs out of the sky." It is an old and vulgar saying about a " beggar on horse- back," which I would not for the world have applied to these reverend philosophers: but I must confess, that some of them, when they are mounted on one of those fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvettinf/s as was Fhneton of yore, when he aspired to manage the chr.riot of Phoebus. One drives his comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world out of him with the mighty concussion ; another, more moderate, makes his comet a kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supply of food and faggots ; a third, of more combustible disposition, threatens to throw his • Drw. Bot. Garden, part i. cant. i. 1. 105. liberal CHAP, n.] IXGENlOUS THEORIES AND SPECULATIONS. II comet like n bombshell into the world, and blow it up like u powder mngazine ; while a fourth, with no jjreat delicacy to this planet and its inhabitants, insinuates tlint some day or other his comet — my modest pen blushes while I write it — shall absolutely turn tail upon our world, and deluge it with water! — Surely, as I have already observed, comets were bountifully provided by Providence for the benefit of philoso- phers, to assist them in manufacturing theories. And now, having adduced several of the most prominent theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my judicious readers at full liberty to choose among them. They are all serious speculations of learned men — all differ essentially from each other — and all have the same title to belief. It has ever been the task of one race of philosophers to demolish the works of their predecessors, and elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead, which in their turn are demolished and replaced by the air-castles of a succeeding generation. Thus it would seem that knowledge and genius, of which we make such great parade, consists but in detecting the errors and absurdities of those who have gone before, and devisin*:; new errors and absurdities, to be detected by those who arc to come after us. Theories are the mighty soap-bubbles with which the grown-up children of science amuse themselves— while the honest vulgar stand gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these learned vagaries with the name of wisdom ! — Surely Socrates was right in his opinion, that philosophers are but a soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in things totally incomprehensible, or which, if they could be compre- hended, would be found not worthy the trouble of discovery. For my own part, until the learned have come to an agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with the account handed down to us by Moses ; in which I do but fol- low the example of our ingenious neighbours of Connecticut ; who at their first settlement proclaimed that the colony should be governed by the laws of God — until they had time to make better. One thing, however, appears certain — from the unanimous authority of the before-quoted philosophers, supported by the evidence of our own senses, (which, though very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously admitted as additional testimony.) it appears, I say, and I make the assertion de- libcralely, without fear of contmdiction, that this globe really i ■ > I i 12 BISTORT OF MEW-TORK. I [book 7. w(u created^ and that it is composed of land and water. It farther appears that it is curiously divided and parcelled out into continents and islands, amon^ which I boldly declare the renowned Island of Nbw-York will be found by ony one who seeks for it in its proper place. CHAP. III. Noah, who is the first sea-faring man we read of, begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. Authors, it is true, are not wanting, who affirm that the patriarch had a number of other children. Thus Berosus makes him father of the gigantic Titans ; Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or Jonicus ; and others have mentioned a son, named Thu- iscon, from whom descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or, in other words, the Dutch nation. I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity of my readers, by investigating minutely the history of the great Noah. Indeed, such an undertaking would be attended with more trouble than many people would imagine ; for the good old patriarch seems to have been a great traveller in his day, and to have passed under a different name in every country that he visited. The Chaldeans, for instance, give us his story, merely altering his name into Xisuthrus — a trivial olteration, which, to an historian skilled in etymologies, will appear wholly unimportant. It appears, likewise, that he had exchanged his tarpaulin and quadrant among the Chal- deans, for the gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch in their annals. The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris ; the Indians as Menu ; the Greek nnd Roman writers confound him with Ogyges, and the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly rank among the most extensive and authentic historians, inasmuch as they have known the world much longer than any one else, declare that Noah was no other than Fohi ; and what gives this assertion some air of credi- bib'ty is, that it is a fact, admitted by the most enlightened literati, that Noah travelled into China, at the time of the building of the tower of Babel (probably to improve himself in the study of languages), and the learned Dr. Shackford CHAP, ni.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECULATIONS. IS gives II > the additional information, that the ark rested on a mountain on the frontiers of China. From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypotheseo, many satisfactory deductions might be drawn ; but I slinll content myself with the simple fact stated in the Bible, viz. that Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japhet. It is astonishing on what remote and obscure contingencies the great affairs of this world depend, and how events the most distant, and to the common observer unconnected, are in- evitably consequent the one to the other. It remains to the philosopher to discover these mysterious affinities, and it is the proudest triumph of his skill to detect and drag forth some latent chain of causation, which at first sight appears a paradox to the inexperienced observer. Thus many of my readers will doubtless wonder what connection the family of Noah can possibly have with this history — and many will stare when informed, that the whole history of this quarter of the world has taken its character and course from the simple circumstance of the patriarch's having but three sons —but to explain : Noah, we are told by sundry very credible historians, becoming sole surviving heir and proprietor of the earth, in fee simple, after the deluge, like a good father, portioned out his estate among his children. To Shem he gave Asia ; to Ham, Africa ; and to Japhet, Europe. Now it is n thousand times to be lamented that he had but three sons, for had there been a fourth, he would doubtless have inhe- rited America ; which, of course, would have been dragged forth from its obscurity on the occasion ; and thus many a hard-working historian and philosopher would have been spared a prodigious mass of weary conjecture respecting the first discovery and population of this country. Noah, how- ever, having provided for his three sons, looked in all pro- bability upon our country as mere wild unsettled Innd, and said nothing about it ; and to this unpardonable taciturnity of the patriarch may we ascribe the misfortune, that America did not come into the world as early as the other quarters of the globe. It is true, some writers have vindicated him from this misconduct towards posterity, and asserted that he really did discover America. Thus it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French writer, possessed of that ponderosity of ) ' f- I i t 14 UI8T0RY OF NKW-TORK. [dOOK I, thought, and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar to his nation, that the immedinto descendant!} of Noah peopled this quarter of the globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who ^till retained a passion for the sea-faring life, superintended the transmigration. The pious and enlightened father, Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, remarkable for ids aversion to the marvellous, common to all great travellers, is conclusively of tiie same opinion ; nay, he goes still farther, and decides upon the manner in which the discovery was efiected, which was by sen, and under the immediate direction of the great Noah. " I have already observed," exclaims the good father, in a tone of becoming indignation, " that it is an arbitrary supposition that the grandchildren of Noah were not able to penetrate into the new world, or that they never thought of .it. In effect, I can see no reason that can justify such a notion. Who can seriously believe, that Noah and his im- mediate descendants knew less than we do, and that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was, a ship which was formed to traverse an unbounded ocean, and had so many shoals and quicksands to guard against, should be ignorant of, or should not have communicated to his de- scendants, the art of sailing on the ocean ? " Therefore, they did sail on the ocean — therefore, they sailed to America — therofore, America was discovered by Noah ! Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so strikingly characteristic of the good father, being addressed to the faith, rather than the understanding, is flatly opposed by Hans dc Laert, who declares it a real and most ridiculous paradox, to suppose that Noah ever entertained \\ie thought of discovering America ; and ns Hans is a Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe he must have been much better ac- quainted with the worthy crew of the ark than his compe- titors, ard of course possessed o^ more accurate sources of information. It is astonishing how intimate historians do daily become with the patriarchs and other great men of antiquity. As intimBey improves with time, and as the learned are particularly inquisitive and familiar in their ac- quaintance with the ancients, I should not bo surprised if some future writers should gravely give us a picture of men and manners as they existed before the flood, fur more copious and accurate than the liible ; and that, in the course of another century, the log-book of the good Noah should be as CHAP. 111.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SPECL'LATIOX*. 13 cuiTent among historians as the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned history of Robinson Crusoe. I simll not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass of additional supposition?, conjectures, and probabilities respecting the first discovery of this country, with wiiich unhnppy historians overload them8«>lves, in their endeavours to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful to see these laborious wights panting, and toiling, and sweating under an enormous burden, at the very outset of their works, which, on being opened, turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of straw. As, however, by unwearied assiduity, they seem to have established the fact, to the satisfaction of all the world, that this country haa been dis- tovcred, I shall avail myself of their useful labours to be extremely brief upon this point. I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire, whether America was first discovered by a wandering vessel of that celebrated Phoenician fleet, which, according to Herodotus, circum- navigated Africa ; or by that Carthaginian expedition, which Pliny, the naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary Islands ; or whether it was settled by a temporary colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Seneca. I shall neither inquire whether it was first discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great shrewdness advances ; nor by the Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn ; nor by Behem, the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured to prove to the s^avans of the learned city of Philadelphia. Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the "Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the eleventh century, who having never returned, it has since been wisely concluded that ho must have gone to America, and that for a plain reason, — if ho did not go there, where else could he have gone? — a question which most Socrutically shuts out all farther dispute. Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above men- tioned, with a multitude of others equally satisfactory, I ■hall take for granted tlie vulgar opinion, that America was discovered on the 12th of October, 1492, by Christoval Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily nicknamed Co- lumbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the voyages and adventures of this Colon I shall say nothing, seeing that they arc already lufficiently known. Nor shall I m "XiP 16 HISTORY OF KEW-TORK. [book I. w i I undertake to prove tliat this country should have been called Culonia, after his iinme, that beinj notoriously self- evident. Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself, nil impatience to enter upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in full expectation that I will immediately deliver it into their possession. But if I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of a regular bred historian ! No — no — most curious and thrice learned readers (for thrice learned ye are if ye have read all that has gone before, and nine times learned shall ye be if ye read that which comes after), we have yet a world of work before us. Think you the first discoverers of this fair quarter of the globe had nothing to do but go on shore and find a country ready laid out and cultivated like a garden, wherein they might revel at their ease ? No such thing — they hod forests to cut down, underwood to grub up, marshes to drain, and savages to exterminate. In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to explain, before I permit you to range at random ; but these difficulties once overcunic, we shall be enabled to jog on right merrily through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in a manner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same manner as the sound of poetry haa been found by certain shrewd critics to echo the sense — this being an improvement in history which I claim the merit of having invented. CHAP. IV. il The next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular course of our history is to ascertain, if possible, how this country was originally peopled — a point fruitful of incredible em- barrassinents ; for unless we prove that the Aborigines did absolutely come from somewhere, it will be immediately asserted, in this age of scepticism, that they did not come at all ; and if they did not come at all, then was this country never populated — a conclusion perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic, but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as it mu« syllogistically prove fatal to the innumerable Aborigine! ot this populous region. CUi 1 anni winj have head conff temp whici porta cloud: has ei and, n and fo as we sophici Mncrol anathei ft super humoii] signifiei Of t\ populftt have al ciniman ThusC first dis conchidj a philofj whence j temple the rem| employ( So gf extrnviii «nnppe;;»ical Annihilation so many millions of fellow creatures, how many wings of geese have been plundered ! what oceans of ink have been benevolently drained ! and how many capacious heads of learned historians have been addled, and for ever confounded ! I pause with reverential awe, when I con- template the ponderous tomes in different languages with which they have endeavoured to solve this question, so im- portant to the happiness of society, but so involved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. Historian after historian has engaged in the endless circle of hypothetical argument, and, after leading us a weary chase through octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the end of his work just as wiso ns we were at the beginning. It w^as doubtless some philo- sophical wild goose chase of the kind that made the old poet Macrobius rail in such a passion at curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily as *'an irksome agonizing care, a superstitious industry about unprofitable things, an itching humour to see what is not to be seen, and to be doing wlu t signifies nothing when it is done." But to proceed : Of the claims of the children of Noah to the original population of this country I shall say nothing, as they have already oeen touched upon in my Inst chapter. Tlio claimants next in celebrity are the descendants of Abraham. Thus Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus), when ho first discovered the gold mines of Hispanioln, immediately concluded, witli n shrewdness tliat would have done honour to a philosopher, that he hud found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solomon procured the gold for embellishing tho temple at Jerusalem ; nny, Colon ev.n imagined that he saw the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic construction, employed in refining the precious ore. So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fascinating extravagance, was too tempting not to l>o immediately snapped at by the gudgeons of learning; and accordingly, there were divers profound writers, ready to swjmr to its correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authorities and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could Ite more clear — Arius Montanus, without the least hesitation, asserts th:it Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews the early settlers of the country. While Posst^vin, Becnn, and several other i:i IS niSTOIlY OF NEW-YOnK. [book I. Pftgncious writers, liif; in a supposed prophecy of tlie fourth book of Kfdras, which being inserted in the mighty hypo- thesis, like the keystone of an areh, gives if, in their opinion, perpetual durability. Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly super- structure, than in trudges a phalanx of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet, the great Dutchman, at their head, and at one blow tumbles the whole fabric about their ears. Huns, in fart, contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims to the first settlement of this country, attributing all those equivocal symptoms, and traces uf Christianity and Judaism, which have been said to be found in divers provinces of the new world, to the Detnl, who has always affected to counter- feit the worship of the true Deity. " A remark," says the knowing old Padre d'Acosta, "made by all good authors who have spoken of the I'eligion of nations newly discovered, and founded, besides, on the authority of the fathers of the church" Some writers again, among whom it is with much regret I am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Canaanites, being driven from the land of promise by the Jews, were seized with such a panic that they fled without looking behind them, until, stopping to take breath, they found themselves safe in America. As they brought neither their national language, manners, nor features with them, it is supposed they left them behind in the hurry of their flight — I cannot give my faith to this opinion. I ptiss over the supposition of the learned Grotius, who, being both an ambassador and a Dutcliman to boot, is en- titled to great respect ; that North America was peopled by a strolling company of Norwegians, and that Peru was founded by a colony from China — Manco or Mango Capac, the first Incas, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely mention, that father Kircher ascribes the settle- ment of America to the Egyptians, liudbeck to the Scan- dinavians, Charron to the Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skating party from Frieshind, Milius to the Celtoe, Marinocus the Sicilian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Pho pordiun knot — "Nothinfr," says he, "is more easy. The inhnintnnts of both hemispheres «re certainly tlie descendants of the same father. The com- mon father of mankind received an express order from Hea- ven to people the world, and accordingly it has been peopled. To brinfif this about, it was necessary to overcome all diffi- culties in the way, and they have also been overcome !" Pious logician ! How does he put all the herd of laborious theorists to the blush, by explaining, in five words, what it has cost them volumes to prove they knew nothing about! From all the authorities here quoted, and a variety of others which I have consulted, but which are omitted through fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader, I can only draw the following conclusions, which luckily, however, are sufficient for my purpose. First, that this part of the world has actually been peopled (Q. E. D.), to support which we have living proofs in the numerous tribes of Indians that inhabit it. Secondly, that it has been peopled in five hundred dilTerent ways, as proved by a cloud of authors who, from the posi- tiveness of their assertions, seem to have been eye-witnesses to the fact. Thirdly, that the people of this country had a variety of fathers, which, as it may not be thought much to their credit by the common run of readers, the less we say on the subject the better. The question, therefore, I trust, is for ever at rest. CHAP. V. The writer of a history may, in some respects, be likened unto an adventurous knight, who, having undertaken a perilous enterprise, by way of establishing his fame, feels bound, in honour and chivalry, to turn back for no difficulty nor hardship, and never to shrink or quail, whatever enemy he may encounter. Under this impression, I resolutely draw my pen, and fall to, with might and main, at tiiose doughty questions and subtle paradoxes, which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, beset the entrance to ray history, and would fain repulse me from the very threshold. And at this moment a gigantic question has started up, which I must needs take by the beard and utte^i/ subdue, before I can advance another •tep in my historic undertaking ; but I trust this will be the c 3 w i n mm 22 HISTORY OF XKW-YORK. [bOOK I. lost adversary I slinll have to contend with, and that in the next book I shall be enabled to conduct my readers in triumph into the body of my work. The question which hns thus suddenly arisen, is, What right had the fu'st discoverers of America to land and take possession of a country, without first gaining the consent of its inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate compensation for their territory? — a question which has withstood many fierce assaults, and has given much distress of mind to mul- titudes of kind-hearted folk. And indeed, until it be totally vanquished, and put to rest, the worthy people of America can by no means enjoy the soil they inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet, unsullied consciences. The first source of right, by which property is acquired in a country, is discovery. For as all mankind have an equal right to any thing, which has never before been appropriated, so any nation, that discovers an uninhabited country, and takes possession thereof, is considered as enjoying full pro- perty, and absolute, unquestionable empire tlierein.* This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly, that the Europeans who first visited America were the real dis- coverers of the same ; nothing being necessary to the esta- blishment of this fact, but simply to prove that it was totally uninhabited by man. This would at first appear to be a point of some difficulty, for it is well known that this quarter of the world abounded with certain animals, that walked erect on two- feet, had something of the human countenance, uttered certain unintelligible sounds, very much like language ; in short, had a marvellous resemblance to human beings. But the zealous and enlightened fathers who accompanied the discoverers, for the purpose of promoting the kingdom of Iieaven by establishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction of his holiness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers and discoverers. They plainly proved, and, as there were no Indian writers arose on the other side, the fact was considered as fully ad- mitted and established, that the two-legged race of animals before mentioned were mere cannibals, detestable monsters, and many of them giants — which last description of vagrants liavc, since the times of Gog, Magog, nnd Goliath, been con* * Grotius i rulTvndorf, b. v. c. 4. ; Vattol, b. i. c. 18. &G. OK I. fi tlie Limph What I take iiUt of sation many » mul- totally raerica p right ired in [1 equal )riated, ry, and ill pro- ly, that real dis- he esta- totally a point arter of ed erect uttered mge; in ;s. But nied the gdom of )prics on tisfaction gers and ji writers fully ad- f animals monsters, vagrants been con* CHAP, v.] IXOKNIOCS TmiORIES AND SPECl'LATION.'?. 23 sidered as outlaws, and have received no quarter in either history, chivalry, or sonp. Indeed, even the philosophic Bacon declared the Americans to be people proscribed by tlie laws of nature, inasmucli ns they had a barbarous custom of sacrificing men, and feeding upon man's flesh. Nor are these all the proofs of their utter barbarism : among many other writers of discernment, Ulloa tells us " their im- becility is so visible, that one can hardly form an idea of them different from what one has of the brutes. Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally insensible to disasters and to prosperity. Though half naked, they are as con- tented as a monarch in his most splendid array. Fear makes no impression on them, and respect as little." All this is furthermore supported by the authority of M. Bouguer. " It is not easy," says he, " to describe the degree of tlicir indif- ference for wealth and all its advantages. One does not well know what motives to propose to them when one would per- suade them to ony service. It is vain to otfer them money ; they answer they are not hungry." And Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us that "ambition they have non^, and are more desirous of being thought strong than valiant. The objects of ambition with us — honour, fame, reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions, are unknown among them. So that this powerful spring of action, the cause of so much seeming good and real evil in the world, has no power over them. In a word, these unhappy mortals may be compared to children, in whom the development of reason is n(9t com- pleted." Now all these peculiarities, although in the unenlightened states of Greece they would have entitled their possessors to immortal honour, as having reduced to practice tliose rigid and abstemious maxims, the mere talking about which ac- quired certain old Greeks the reputation of sages and philo- sophers; — yet, were they clearly proved in the present in- stance to betoken a most abject and brutified nature, totally beneath the human character. But the benevolent fathers, who had undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb beasts, by dint of argument, advanced still stronger proofs; for as certain divines of the sixteenth century, and among the rest Lullus, affirm — the Americans go naked, and have no beards! — "They have nothing," says Lullus, "of the reasonable animal, except thi; mask." — And even that mask c 4 ft !' f \ .1, 1 24 HISTOnr OF NEW-YORK. [DOOK 1. was allowed to avail them but little, for it was soon found that they were of a hideous copper complexion — and bein^ of a copper complexion, it was all the same as if they were nejjroes — and negroes are hlnck, "and black," said the pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, " is the colour of the Devil I" Therefore, so fur from being able to own property, they had no rigiit even to personal freedom — for liberty is too radiant a deity to inhabit such gloomy temples. All which circumstances plainly convinced the righteous followers of Cortes and Fizarro, that these miscreants had no title to the soil that they infested — that they were a perverse, illi- terate, dumb, beardless, black-seed — mere wild beasts of the forests, and, like them, should either be subdued or ex- terminated. From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and a variety of others equally conclusive, which I forbear to enumerate, it is clearly evident that this fair quarter of the globe, when first visited by Europeans, was a howling wilderness, inhabited by nothing but wild beasts ; and that the transatlantic visitors acquired an incontrovertible property therein, by the right of discover jf. This right being fully established, we now come to the next, which is the right acquired by cultivation. "The cultivation of the soil," we are told, "is an obligation imposed by nature on mankind. The whole world is appointed for the nourishment of its inhabitants: but it would lie incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. £very nation is then obliged by the law of nature to cultivate the ground that has fallen to its share. Those people, like the ancient Germans and modern Tartars, who, having fertile countries, disdain to cultivate the earth, and choose to live by rapine, are wanting to themselves, and deserve to he ex- terminated as savage and pernicious beasts."* Now it is notorious, that the savages knew nothing of Agriculture, when first discovered by the Europeans, but lived a most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous life, — ram- bling from place to place, and prodigally rioting upon the spontaneous luxuries of nature, without tasking her gene- rosity to yield them any thing more ; whereas it has been most unquestionably shown, that Heaven intended the earth fthould be ploughed, and sown, and manured, and laid out • Vottcl, b.Lch. 17. limits, possess! read th( of the8( right t of the and moi selves. In en therefoi accordii — there tlieir ji CHAP, v.] INGENIOUS TlIF.OniES AND SPECULATIONS. 2S into cities, and towns, and farms, and country sents, and pleasure grounds, and public gardens, all which the Indinns knew nothing about — therefore, tliey did not improve the talents Providence had bestowed on them — therelore, thny were careless stewards — therefore, they had no right to the soil — therefore, they deserved to be exterminated. It is true, the savages might plead that titey drew all tho benefits from the land which their simjde wants required — they found plenty of game to hunt, whicii, together with the roots and uncultivated fruits of the earth, furnished a sufii- cient variety for their frugal repasts ; — and that as Heaven merely designed the earth to form the abode, and satisfy tho wants of man ; so long as those purposes were answered, the will of Heaven was accomplished. — But this only proves how undeserving they were of the blessings around them — they were so much the more savages, ior not having more Avants ; for knowledge is in some degree an increase of desires, and it is this superiority both in the number and magnitude of his desires, that distinguishes the man from the beast. Therefore the Indians, in not having more wants, were very unreasonable animals ; and it was but just that they should make way for the Europeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, and, therefore, would turn the earth to more ac- count, and by cultivating it, more truly fulfil the will of Heaven. Besides — Grotius and Lauterbach, and Puffendorff, and Titius, and many wise men beside, who have considered the matter properly, have determined, that the property of a country cannot be acquired by hunting, cutting wood, or drawing water in it — nothing but precise demarcation of limits, and the intention of cultivation, can establish the possession. Now as the savages (probably from never having read the authors above quoted) had never complied with any of these necessary forms, it plainly follows that they had no right to the soil, but that it was completely at the disposal of the first comers, who had more knowledge, more wants, and more elegant, that is to say, artificial desires than them- selves. In entering upon a newly discovered, uncultivated country, therefore, the new comers were but taking possession of what, according to the aforesaid doctrine, was their own property — therefore, in opposing them, the savages were invading tlieir just rights, infringing the immutable laws of nature. I 'M i' 4 w mtmimmmmtm Iffil 38 HISTORY OP NEW-YORK. [Br>OK I. and counteracting the will of Heaven — therefore, tlicy were guilty of impiety, burglary, and trespass on the case — therefore, they were hardened offenders against God and man — therefore, they ought to be exterminated. But a more irresistible right than either that I have mentioned, and one which will be the most readily admitted by ray reader, provided he be blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, is the right acquired by civilisation. All the world knows the lamentable state in which these poor savages were found. Not only deficient in the comforts of life, but, what is still worse, most piteously and unfortunately blind to the miseries of their situation. But no sooner did the bene- volent inhabitants of Europe behold their sad condition, than they immediatel}'- went to work to ameliorate and improve it. They introduced among them rum, gin, brandy, and the other comforts of life — and it is astonishing to read how soon the poor savages learn to estimate those blessings — they like- wise made known to them a thousand remedies, by which the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed ; and that they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy the com- forts of these medicines, they previously introduced among them the diseases which they were calculated to cure. By these and a variety of other methods was the condition of these poor savages wonderfully improved; they acquired a thousand wants of which they had before been ignorant; and as he has most sources of happiness who has most wants to be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a much happier race of beings. But the most important branch of civilisation, and which has most strenuously been extolled by the zealous and pious fathers of the Romish Church, is the introduction of the Christian faith. It was truly a sight that might well inspire horror, to behold these savages tumbling among the dark mountains of paganism, and guilty of the most horrible igno- rance of religion. It is true, they neither stole nor de- frauded ; they were sober, frugal, continent, and faithful to their word ; but though they acted right habitually, it was all in vain, unless they acted so from precept. The new comers, therefore, used every method to induce them to em- brace and practise the true religion — except indeed that of setting them the example. But notwithstanding all these complicated labours for their good, such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these stubborn CnAP. v.] INGENIOUS THEORIES AND SI'ECULATIOXS. 27 wretches, that they ungratefully refused to acknowledge the strangers as their benefactors, and per.-sisted in disbelieving the doctrines they endeavoured to inculcate ; most insolently alleging, that, from their conduV:t, the advocates of Christianity did not seem to believe in it themselves. Was not this too much for human patience? — would not one suppose that the benign visitants from £urope, provoked at their incredulity and discouraged by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would for ever have abandoned their shores, and consigned them to their original ignorance and misery? — But no; so zealous were they to effect the temporal comfort and eternal salva- tion of these pagan infidels, that they even proceeded from the milder means of persuasion, to the more painful and troublesome one of persecution — let loose among them whole troops of fiery monks and furious bloodhounds — purified them by fire and sword, by stake and faggot ; in consequence of which indefatigable measures the cause of Christian love and charity was so rapidly advanced, that in a few years not one fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in South America that were found there at the time of its iliscovery. What stronger right need the European settlers advance to the country than this ? Have not whole nations of un- informed savages been made acquainted with a thou- sand imperious wants and indispensable comforts, of which they were before wholly ignorant? Have they not been literally hunted and smoked out of the dens and lurking places of ignorance and infidelity, and absolutely scourged into the right path? Have not the temporal things, tlm vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, which were too apt to engage their worldly and selfish thoughts, been benevo- lently token from them ; and have they not, instead thereof, been taught to set their affections on things above? — And finally, to use the words of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his superior in Spain — "Can any one have the presumption to say that these savage Pagans have yielded any thing more than an inconsiderable recompense to their benefactors, in surrendering to them a little pitiful tract of this dirty sublunar}^ planet in exchange for a glorious in-? beritance in the kingdom of heaven ? " Here, then, are three complete and undeniable sources <>f right established, any one of which was more than ampl^ to establish a property in the newly discovered regions of {I s, ». ■ |4<{^^4 28 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK I. America. Now, so it has happened in certain parts of this deli;;htf'ul quarter of the globe, that the right of discovery has been so strenuously asserted— the inriuence of cultivation so industriously extended, and the progress of salvation and civilisation so zealously prosecuted, that, what with their Attendant wars, persecutions, oppressions, diseases, and other partial evils that often hang on the skirts of great benefits — the savage aborigines have, somehow or another, been titterly Annihilated — and this all at once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth all the others put together. — For the original claimants to tlie soil being all dead and buried, and no one remaining to inherit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards, as the next immediate occupants, entered upon the possession as clearly as the hangman succeeds to the clothes of the male- factor — and as they have Blackstone*, and all the learned expounders of the law on their side, they may set all actions of ejectment at defiance — and this last right may be entitled the RIGHT DY KXTERMiNATiox, 01', in othcr words, the uiaiiT BY GUNPOWDER. But lest any scruples of conscience should remain on this head, and to settle the question of right for ever, his holiness Pope Alexander VL issued a bull, by which he generously p:ranted the newly-discovered quarter of the globe to the Spaniards and Portuguese ; who, thus having law and gospel on their side, and being inflamed with great spiritual zeal, showed the Pagan savages neither favour nor affection, but prosecuted the work of discovery, colonisation, civilisa- tion, and extermination, with ten times more fury than ever. Thus were the European worthies who first discovered America clearly entitled to the soil ; and not only entitled to the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of these infidel savages, for having come so far, endured so many perils by Bea and land, and taking such unwearied pains, for no other purpose but to improve their forlorn, uncivilised, and hea- thenish condition: for having made them acquainted with the comforts of life ; for having introduced among them the light of religion; and, finally, for having hurried them out of the world to enjoy its reward ! But as argument is never so well understood by us selfish mortals as when it comes home to ourselves, and as I am par- ticularly anxious that this question should be put to rest for * BL Cum. b. iL c. 1. selflah CHAP, v.] IXGEXIOLS TIIEOHIES AND SPECt'LATIONS. 29 ever, I will suppose a parallel case, by way of arousing the candid nttentiun of my reiulers. Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the moon, by astonishing advuncemcnt in science, and by profound insight into that lunar philosophy, the mere flickerin<:;s of which have of late years dazzled the feeble optics, and addled the bhallow brains of the pood people of our plobe — let us sup- po.«e, I say, that the inliabitants uf the moon, by these means, had arrived at such a command of their energies, such an enviable state o( perfectibilit//, as to control the elements, and navi<;aie the boundless regions of space. Let us suppose a roving crew of these soaring philosophers, in the course of an aerial voyage of discovery among the stars, should chance to alight upon this outlandish planet. And here I beg my readers will not have the uncharitable- ncss to smile, as is too frequently the fault of volatile readers, when perusing the grave speculations of philosophers. I aia far from indulging in any sportive vein at present ; nor is the supposition I have been making so wild as many may deem it. It has long been a very serious and anxious question with nic, and many a time and oft, in the course of my overwhelm- ing cares and contrivances for the welfare and protection of this my native planet, have I lain awake whole nights debating in my mind, whether it were most probable we should first discover and civilise the moon, or the moon discover and civilise our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sailing in the air and cruising among the stars be a whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to us, than was the European mystery of navigating floating castles through the world of waters, to the simple natives. We have already discovered the art of coasting along the aerial shores of our planet by means of balloons, as the savages hud of venturing along their sea-coasts in canoes; and the disparity between the former and the aerial vehicles of the philosophers from the moon might not be greater than that between the bark canon- of the savages and the mighty ships of their dis- coverers. I might here pursue an endless chain of similar speculations; but as they would be unimportant to my subject, I abandon them to my reader, particularly if he be a philo- sopher, RS matters well worthy of his attentive consideration. To return then to my supfMsition— let us suppose that the aerial visitants I have mentioned, possessed of vastly superior * 'ao nWTORT OF KEW-YOUK. [nooK r. Il knowledge to ourselves ; that is to soy, possessed of superioi- knowledge in the nrt of extermination — riding on hyppogriiTti — defended with impenetrable armour — armed with concen- trated sunbeams, and provided with vast engines, to hurl enormous raoon-stoncs ; in short, let us suppose tiiem, if our vanity will permit the supposition, as superior to us in iinow- ledgc, and consequently in power, as the Europeans were to the Indians wlien they first discovered them. All this is very possible ; it is only our self-sufficiency that makes us think otherwise ; and I warrant the poor savages, before they had any knowledge of the white men, armed in all the terrors of glittering steel and tremendous gunpowder, were as perfectly convinced tlmt they themselves were tl;e wisest, the most virtuous, powerful, and perfect of crealrd beincss as are, at this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of old England, the volatile populace of France, or ev.jn the self- satisiled citizens of this most enlightened republic. Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagers, finding this planet to be nothing but a howling wilderness, in- habited by us poor savages and wild beasts, shall take formal possession of it, in the name of his most gracious and philo- sophic excellency, the man in the moon. Finding, however, that their numbers are incompetent to hold it in complete subjection, on account of the ferocious barbarity of its in* habitants, they shall take our worthy President, the King of England , the Emperor of Hayti, the mighty Bonaparte, and the great King of Bantam, and returning to their native planet, shnll carry them to court, as were the Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the courts of Europe. Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the court requires, they shall address the puissant man in the moon in, as near us I can conjecture, the following terms: — '* Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose dominions extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth on the Great Beor, useth the sun as a looking-glass, and maintaineth un- rivalled control over titles, madmen, and sea-crabs. We thy liege subjects have just returned from a voyage of discovery, in the course of which wo have landed and taken possession of that obscure little dirty planet, which thou beholdest rolling at a distance. The five uncouth monsters, which we have brought into this august presence, were once very im- portant chiefs among their fellow savages, who are a race of CHAr. v.] INOEMOU8 THEORIKS AND SPECULATIONS. 31 beings totnllj destitute of the common attributes of humanity, and differing in every thing from the inhabitants of the moon, inasmuch ns they carry their heads upon their shoulders, instead of under their arms — have two eyes instead of one — are utterly destitute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly complexions, particularly of horrible whiteness, instead of pea-green. " We have, moreovor, found these miserable savages sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and depravity, every man shamelessly living with his own wife, and rearing his own children, instead of indulging in that community of wives enjoined by the law of nature, hs expounded by the philosophers of the moon. In a word, tiiey have scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among them, but are, in fact, utter heretics, ignoramuses, and barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, on the sad condition of these sublunary wretches, 'e have endeavoured, while we remained on their planet, to introduce among them the light of reason, and the comforts of the moon. We have treated them to mouthfuls of moonshine, and draughts of nitrous oxide, which they swallowed with incredible voracity, particularly the females ; and we have likewise endeavoured to instil into them the precepts of lunar philosophy. We have insisted upon their renouncing the contemptible shackles of religion and common sense, and adoring the proibund, omnipotent, and all perfect energy, and the ecstatic, immutable, immovable perfection. But such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these v/retched savages, that they persisted in cleaving to their wives, and adhering to their religion, and absolutely set at naught the sublime doctrines of the moon — nay, among other abomi- nable heresies, they even went so far as blasphemously to declare, that this ineffable planet was made of nothing more nor less than green cheese ! " At these words, the great man in the moon (being a very profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible passion, and possessing equal authority over things that do not belong to him, as did whilom his holiness the Pope, shall forth- with issue a formidable bull, specifying, " That whereas a certain crew of Lunatics have lately discovered, and taken possession of a newly discovered planet called the earth — and that whereas it is inhabited by none but a race of two-legged animals that carry their heads on their shoulders instead of t' »« ■ ■- tt IflSTORT OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK t. under their arms ; cannot talk the lunatic langunge ; have two eyes instead of one; arc destitute of tails, and of a horrible whiteness, instead of pea-green — therefore, and for a variety of other excellent reasons, they are considered in- capable of possessing any property in the planet they infest, nnd the right and title to it are confirmed to its original discoverers. — And furthermore, the colonists who are now about to depart to the aforesaid planet are authorised and commanded to use every means to convert these infidel savages from the darkness of Christianity, and make them thorough nnd absolute lunatics." In consequence of this benevolent bull, our philosophio benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. They seize upon our fertile territories, scourge us from our riglitful pos- sessions, relieve us from our wives, and when we are un- reasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon us and say, Miserable barbarians! ungrateful wretches! have we not come thousands of miles to improve your worthless planet ; have we not fed you with moonshine ; have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxide ; does not our moon give you light every night, and have you the baseness to murmur, when we claim a pitiful return for all these benefits ? But finding that we not only persist in absolute contempt of their reasoning and disbelief in their philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to defend our property, their patience shall bo exhausted, and they shall resort to their superior powers of argument ; hunt us with hyppogriffs, transfix us with concen. trated sunbeams, demolish our cities with moon-stones; until having, by main force, converted us to the true faith, they shall graciously permit us to exist in the torrid deserts of Arabia, or the frozen regions of Lnpland, there to enjoy tho blessings of civilisation and tho charms of lunar philosophy, in mucli the same manner as the reformed and enlightened savages of this country are kindly suffered to inhabit the in- liospitablo forests of the north, or the impenetrable wilder- nesses of South America. Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strikingly illus- trated, the right of the early colonists to the possession of this country ; and thus is this gigantic question completely vanquished : so having manfully surmounted all obstacles, nnd subeciilly| ^ho writ J. of »il as bo lie ed. Ing lied and nine acco wing any ;d off yup, ice 01 ,f the rortby )g this » doubt i to the efatory the itt- »ly sup- |covcrY» totally less, the U ic I he more ;oing to It of my ►dly, »tt* hat, like U on so [to ftnw^ ver 1 a« Lnced, (of L ) \i witt \y»rt,M .\can hl»- % SAftU CHAP. V] FIRST SBTTLEMENT OF KIEUW NEDERLAMDTS. 85 subject — which, now-a-days, is considered one of the great triumphs of historic skill. To proceed, then, with the thread of my story. In the ever-memorable year of our Lord, 1609, on a Sa- turday morning, the five-and-twentieth day of March, old style, did that "worthy and irrecoTerable discoverer (as he has justly been called), Master Henry Hudson,** set sail from Holland in a stout vessel called the Half Moon, being em- ployed by the Dutch East India Company to seek a north-west passage to China. Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, Hendrick) Hudson was a seafaring man of renown, who had learned to smoke tobacco under Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said to have been the first to introduce it into Holland, which gained him much popularity in that country, and caused him to find great favour in the eyes of their High Mightinesses the Lords States General, and also of the Honourable West India Com- pany. He was a short, square, brawny old gentleman, with a double chin, a mastiff mouth, and a broad copper nose, which was supposed in those days to have acquired its fiery hue from the constant neighbourhood of his tobacco pipe. He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a leathern belt, and a commodore's cocked hat on one side of his head. He was remarkable for always jerking up his breeches when he gave out his orders, and his voice sounded not unlike the brattling of a tin trumpet, owing to the number of hard north-westers which he had swallowed in the course of his seafaring. Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have heard so much, and know so little ; and I have been thus particular in his description for the benefit of modem painters and sta- tuaries, that they may represent him as he was ; and not, according to their common custom with modem heroes, make him look like Caesar, or Marcus Aurelius, or the Apollo of BeWidere. As chief mate and favourite companion, the commodore chose master Robert Juet, of Limehouse, in England. By some his name has been spelt Chevit^ and ascribed to the cir- cumstance of his having been the first man that ever chewed tobacco; but this I believe to be a mere flippancy; more eapeciilly as certain of his progeny are living at this day, who write their names Juet. He was an old comrade and o 9 i 86 HISTORY OF MEW-TORK. [bookil early schoolmate of the great Hudson, with whom he had often played truant and sailed chip boats in a neighbouring pond, when they were little boys ; from whence, it is said, the commodore first derived his bias towards a seafaring life. Certain it is, that the old people about Limehouse declared Robert Juet to be an unlucky urchin, prone to mischief, that would one day or other come to the gallows. He grew up as boys of that kind often grow up, a ram- bling, heedless varlet, tossed about in all quarters of the world, meeting with more perils and wonders than did Sinbad the Sailor, without growing a whit more wise, prudent, or ill- natured. Under every misfortune, he comforted himself with a quid of tobacco, and the truly philosophic maxim, that ** it will be all the same thing a hundred years hence." He was skilled in the art of carving anchors and true lovers' knots on the bulk-heads and quarter-railings, and was considered a great wit on board ship, in consequence of his playing pranks on every body around, and now and then even making a wry face at old Hendrick, when his back was turned. To this universal genius are we indebted for many par- ticulars concerning this voyage, of which he wrote a history, at the request of the commodore, who had an unconquerable aversion to writing himself, from having received so many floggings about it when at school. To supply the deficiencies of master Juet's journal, which is written with true log-book brevity, I have availed myself of divers family traditions, handed down from my great-great-grandfather, who accom^ panied the expedition in the capacity of cabin-boy. From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of remark happened in the voyage; and it mortifies me exceedingly that I have to admit so noted an expedition into my work, without making any more of it. Suffice it to say, the voyage was prosperous and tranquil — the crew, being impatient people, much given to slumber and vacuity, and but little troubled with the disease of think- ing — a malady of the mind, which is the sure breeder of dis- content. Hudson had laid in abundance of gin and sour*krout, and every man was allowed to sleep quietly at his post unless the wind blew. True it is, some slight disaffection was shown on two or three occasions, at certain unreasonable con- duct of Commodore Hudson. Thus, for instance, he forebore to shorten sail when the wind was light and tb«. weathor sere But that over, of tl putt they they runni hibite six pa alert; sails Tl custom might honest hugely, under t conduct Jnaporta on the i which al New-yJ ^uropec ■raetheiri noblo art of book-making, since so industriously cul ivuteoi by knowing sea-captains and learned supercargoes, thfi.t an ex- pedition so interesting and important in iu results should be passed over in utter silence. To my gi-eat-great graiid- father am I again indebted for the few facts 1 am enabled to give concerning it — he having once more embarked for tht% country, with a full determination, as he said, uf eadrjji; his days here— and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers, ihsxii should rise to be great men in the land. The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail wus called the Goede VrouWy or good woman, in compUment to the wife of the president of the West Indir. Company, v ho was allowed by every body (except her h '»«! iand) to be '^ other side, where they all miser- ably perished to a man ; and their bones being collected and decently covered by the Tammany Society of that day, formed that singular mound called Rattlesnake Hill, which rises out of the centre of the salt marshes, a little to the east of the Newark Causeway. Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our valiant heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took possession of the soil as con- Suerors, in the name of their High Mightinesses the Ix)rds tatas General; and marching fearlessly forward, carried the Tillage of CoMMiTNirAW by storm, notwithstanding that it was vigorously defended by some half a score of old squaws and pappooses. On looking about them they were so transported with the excellences of the place, that they had very little doubt the blessed St. Nicholas had guided tliem thither, as the OBA] VOTT soil 1 «wan; nities of th docks forth< report and ail age. A women yore fr tlemenf Asa] munipa the pre that not «ge, yet the unde furies ye this inva Carthag( [heroes IB con> liords kedtUe It it was Iws and Uported y Utile •fUthe CHAP, n.] FIRST SETTLEXEin OF NIKUW NEDERLANDTS. 43 yeiy spot whereon to settle their colon j. The softness of the soil was wonderfully adapted to the driving of piles; the swamps and marshes around them afforded ample opportu- nities for the constructing of dykes and dams; the shallowness of the shore was peculiarly favourable to the building of docks ; in a word, this spot abounded with all the requisites for the foundation of a great Dutch city. On making a faithful report, therefore, to the crew of the Goede Vrouw, they one and all determined that this was the destined end of their voy- age. Accordingly they descended from the Goede Vrouw, men, women, and children, in goodly groups, as did the animals of yore from the ark, and formed themselves into a thriving set- tlement, which they called by the Indian name Communipaw. As all the world is doubtless perfectly acquainted with Com- munipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous to treat of it in the present work; but my readers will please to recollect, that notwithstanding it is my chief desire ta satisfy the present age, yet I write likewise for posterity, and have to consult the understanding and curiosity of some half a score of con- turies yet to come; by which time, perhaps, were it not for this invaluable history, the great Communipaw, like Babylon, Carthage, Nineveh, and other great cities, might be per^ctly extinct— sunk and forgotten in its own mud — its inhabitants turned into oysters*, and even its situation a fertile subject of learned controversy and hard-headed investigation among indefatigable historians. Let me then piously rescue from oblivion the humble relics of a place, which was the egg from whence was hatched the mighty city of New- York! Communipaw is at present but a small village, pleasantly situated, among rural scenery, on that beauteous part of the Jersey shore which was known in ancient legends by the name of Pavonia t, and commands a grand prospect of the superb bay of New- York. It is within but half an hour's sail of the latter place, provided you have a fair wind, and may bo dis- tinctly seen from the city. Nay, it is a well known fact, which I can testify from my own experience, that on a dear still sum- mer evening, you may hear, from the battery of New- York, the obstreperous peals of broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes at Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are * Men bv inaction degenerate into oTftcn. — Kaimes. t PAVonla, in the nnciont maps, is given to a tract of coantiy ezt«ndin{; — obont Uoboken to Anibojr. . 1 44 BISTORT OF VKrr TORK. [UOOK II. I I famous for their risible powers. Tliis is peculiarly the case on Sunday evenings, when, it is remarked by an ingenious and observant philosopher, who has made great discoveries in the neighbourhood of this city, that they always laugh loudest-— which he attributes to the circumstance of their having their holiday clothes on. These negroes, in fact, like the monks in the dark ages, engross all the knowledge of the place, and, being infinitely more adventurous and more knowing than their masters, carry on all the foreign trade, making frequent voyages to town in canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk, and cabbages. They are great astrologers, predicting the different changes of weather almost as accurately as an almanack ; they are, moreover, exquisite performers on three-stringed fiddles ; in whistling they almost boast the far-famed powers of Orpheus's lyre, for not a horse or an ox in the place, when at the plough or before the waggon, will budge a foot until he hears the well known whistle of his black driver and companion. — And from their amazing skill at casting up accounts upon their fingers, they are regarded with as much veneration as were the dis- ciples of Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the sacred quaternary of numbers. As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like wise men and sound philosophers, they never look beyond their pipes, nor trouble their heads about any affairs out of their imme- diate neighbourhood ; so that they live in profound and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, anxieties, and revolutions of this distracted planet. I am even told that many among them do verily believe that Holland, of which they have heard so much from tradition, is situated somewhere on Long Island — that Spiking-devil and the Narrows are the two ends of the world —that the country is still under the dominion of their High Mightinesses, and that the city of New-York still goes by the name of Nieuw Amsterdam. They meet every Saturday afternoon at the only tavern in the place, which bears as a sign A square-headed likeness of the Prince of Orange, where they sm^e a silent pipe, by way of promoting social conviviality, and invariably drink a mug of cider to the success of Admiral Van Tromp, who they imagine is still sweeping the Uritith obannel with a broom at his mast-head. Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, which are so ciu man, ners' are < dress fathei coat, ( to get silver of the contini criticaJ that hi effect Havuto, chapter, owed to having g return wi upon its •oon rein n»ent wer The neig *o the UB course gn The Indii 'ongsilen e«ch othe ttbout the ti»e others and grun Wondrous^ (be best a] in return, f <*ught thJ A brisk! Were scruif 'yc'ght, esl that the ' CUAP. III.]] FIRST SETTLEMENT O*- NIEUW NKDERLAXDTS. 45 many strong-holds and fa8tnesi»c") irhitker the primitive man- ners of our Dutch forefathers have retreated, and where they are cherished with devout and scrupulous strictness. The dress of the original settlers is handed down inviolate, from father to son — the identical broad-brimmed hat, brond-skirted coat, and broad-bottomed breeches, continue from generation to generation ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of massy silver are still in wear, that made gallant display in the days of the patriarchs of Communipaw. The language likewise continues unadulterated by barbarous innovations ; and so critically correct is the village schoolmaster in his dialect, that his reading of a Low Dutch psalm has much the same effect on the nerves as the filing of a hand-saw. m6n pipes* mme- iable of this lemdo much ^thftt world High by the turd^y s a sign sretbey ivialUy« dmiral British I village* Ih are so CHAP. ni. Having, in the trifling digression which concluded the last chapter, discharged the filial duty which the city of New-York owed to Communipaw, as being the mother settlement ; and having given a faithful picture of it as it stands at present, I return with a soothing sentiment of self-approbation to dwell upon its early history. The crew of the Goede Vrouw being soon reinforced by fresh importations from Holland,the settle- ment went jollily on, increasing in magnitude and prosperity. The neighbouring Indians in a short time became accustomed to the uncouth sound of the Dutch language, and nn inter- course gradually took place between them and the new comers. The Indians were much given to long talks, and the Dutch to long silence ; in this particular, therefore, they accommodated each other completely. The chiefs would make long speeches about the big bull, the wabash, and the Great Spirit, to which the others would listen very attentively, smoke their pipes, and grunt yaA, myn-her; whereat the poor savages were wondrously delighted. They instructed the new settlers in the best art of curing and smoking tobacco, while the latter, in return, made them drunk with true Hollands — and then taught them the art of making bargains. A brisk trade for furs was soon opened: the Dutch traders were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and purchased by weight, establishing it as an invariable table of avoirdupoise, that the hand of a Dutchman weighed one pound, and his foot m 46 mSTORT OF NEW-TORK. [bOOK U. two pounds. It is true the simple Indians were often puzzled bj the great disproportion between bulk and weight, for let them place a bundle of furs, never so large, in one scale, and a Dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle was sure to kick the beam — never was a package of furs known to weigh more than two pounds in the market of Communipaw ! This is a singular fact — but I have it direct from my great- great-grandfather, who had risen to considerable importance in the colony, being promoted to the office of weigh-master, on account of the uncommon heaviness of his foot. The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began now to assume a very thriving appearance, and were comprehended under the general title of Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, as the sage Vander Donck observes, of their great resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands — which indeed was truly remark- able, excepting that the former was rugged and mountainous, and the latter level and marshy. About this time the tran- quillity of the Dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a tem- porary interruption. In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under n commission from Dale, governor of Virginia, visited the Dutch settlements on Hudson River, and demanded their submission to the English crown and Virginian dominion. To this arrogant demand, as they were in no condition to re- sist it, tbey submitted for the time, like discreet and reason- able men. It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested the settlement of Communipaw : on the contrary, I am told that when his vessel first hove in sight, the worthy burghers were seized with such a panic, that they fell to smoking their pipes with astonishing vehemence; insomuch that they quickly raised a cloud, which, combining with the surrounding woods and marshes, completely enveloped and concealed their be- loved village, and overhung the fair regions of Pavonia — so that the terrible Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspi- cious that a sturdy little Dutch settlement lay snugly couched in the mud, under cover of all this pestilent vapour. In com- memoration of this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitanta have continued to smoke, almost without intermission, unto this very day ; which is said to be the cause of the remarkable fog which often hangs over Communipaw of a dear afternoon Upon the departure of the enemy, our worthy ancestors took i\iU six months to recover their wind and get over tiie CBAr const( called vince. persor of Con He hai who p; side of 'ike Di His nni iike tha Iiad no , fi:«^at la had com the first hike fi Never di but he d( of those i come to p among th nations of to his slec acbievemt out first A ofOlofl'eT Oloffe the I As yet ■onal proft i»o carried! ^*t was ra| cock's-tail I out the mc • hole in k t*il and wi The word tte policy . faking 801^ he said, wJ JPpenred td had known! JJanoe whi/ Vrouw CHAP, m.] FIRST SKTTLEMENT OF KIEUW MEDBRLANDTS. 47 consternation into which they hnd been thrown. They then cnlled a council of safety to smoke over the state of the pro- vince. At this council presided one Oloffe Van Kortlandt, a personage who was held in great reverence among the sages of Communipaw for the variety and darkness of his knowledge. He had originally been one ofa set of peripatetic philosophers who passed much of their time sunning themselves on the side of the great canal of Amsterdam in Holland ; enjoying, Mke Diogenes, a free and unincumbered estate in sunshine. His name Kortlandt (Shortland or Lackland) was supposed, like that of the illustrious Jean Sansterre, to indicate that he * had no land; but he insisted, on the contrary, that he had great landed estates somewhere in Terra Incognita ; and he had come out to the new world to look after them. He was the first great land speculator that we read of in these parts. Like all land speculators, he was much given to dreaming. Never did any thing extraordinary happen at Communipaw but he declared that he had previously dreamt it, being one of those infallible prophets who predict events after they have come to pass. This supernatural gift was as highly valued among the burghers of Pavonia as among the enlightened nations of antiquity. The wise Ulysses was more indebted to his sleeping than his waking moments for his most subtle achievements, and seldom undertook any great exploit with- out first soundty sleeping upon it ; and the same may be said of OlofTe Van Kortlandt, who was thence aptly denominated Oloffe the Dreamer. As yet his dreams and speculations had turned to little per- sonal profit ; and he was as much a lack-land as ever. Still he carried a high head in the community ; if his sugar-loaf hat was rather the worse for wear, he set it off with a taller oock's-tail ; if his shirt was none of the cleanest, he puffed it out the more at the bosom ; and if the tail of it peeped out of a hole in his breeches, it at least proved that it really had a tail and was not mere ruffle. The worthy Van Kortlandt, in the council in question, urged the policy of emerging from the swamps of Communipaw and seeking some more elegible site for the seat of empire. Such, he said, was the advice of the good St Nieholas, who had appeared to him in a dream the night before i and whom he had known by his broad hat, his long pipe, and the resem- lilanoe which he bore to the figure on the bow of the Gk>ede Vrouw .4* 48 HI8T0RT or NEW-rOBK. Qbook n. Many have thought this dream was a mere invention of Olotfe Van Kortlundt ; who, it is said, had ever regarded Communipaw with an evil eye, because he had arrived there after all the land had been shared out, and who was anxious to change the seat of empire to some new place, where he might be present at the distribution of " town lots." But we must not give heed to such insinuations, which are too apt to be advanced against those worthy gentlemen engaged in laying out towns, and in other land speculations. For my own part I am disposed to place the same implicit faith in the vision of Oloffe the Dreamer that was manifested by the honest burghers of Communipaw, who one and all agreed that an expedition should be forthwith fitted out to go on a voyage of discovery in quest of a new seat of empire. This perilous enterprise was to be conducted by Oloffe himself ; who chose as lieutenants, or coadjutors. Mynheers Abraham Hardenbroeck, Jacobus Van Zandt, and Winant Ten Broeck — three indubitably great men, but of whose history, although I have made diligent inquiry, I can learn but little previous to their leaving Holland. Nor need this occasion much surprise; for adventurers, like prophets, though they make great noise abroad, have seldom much celebrity in their own countries ; but this much is certain, that the overflowings and offscourings of a country are invariably composed of the richest parts of the soil. And here I can- not help remarking how convenient it would be to many of our great men and great families of doubtful origin, could they have the privilege of the heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was involved in obscurity, modestly announced themselves descended from a god, and who never visited a foreign country but what they told some cock and bull stories about their being kings and princes at home. This venal trespass on the truth, though it has been occasionally played off by some pseudo marquis, baronet, and other illustrious foreigner, in our land of good-natured credulity, has been completely discountenanced in this sceptical, matter-of-fact age ; and I even question whether any tender virgin, who was accidentally and unaccountably enriched with a bantling, would save her character at parlour firesides and evening tea- parties by ascribing the phenomenon to a iwan, a shower of gold, or a river god. Had I the benefit of mytholofnr and claisic fable above al- luded to^ I should have furnished the first of ^c trio with a ciup pedig name, parlar Triptc sprung M stroj ail the andVa six feet origin c or repu( admitte! '^ijo, We from a d Of the to this til Worrying equipped Harden B it was get . Ten Bn singular b '•ecording ojer in si]< *>f history^ *>een nicknj moat ignobJ ^eems to ha venerated a PartofthebJ The nan^ ■Tin Broecl •Breeches aij Jriters on tl Breeches; y was a poor 01 the sound author of tlA offe sera lant tiose earn this ough [brity t the iaWy can- ny of ould never unced ited a itories venal ilayed itrious been f.fact n, ^^® ntUng, ngtea- iwer ol CHAP, m.] FIBST SETTLEMENT OP XIEUW NEDERLANDTS. 49 pedigree equal to that of the proudest hero of antiquity. His name, Von Zaudt, that is to Bay, from the sand, or, in common parlance, from the dirt, gave reason to suppose that, like Triptolemus, Themes, the Cyclops, and the Titans, he had sprung from Dame Terra, or the Karth ! This supposition is strongly corroborated by his size, for it is well known that all the progeny of Mother Earth were of a gigantic stature ; and Van Zandt, we are told, was a tall, raw'boned man, above six feet high — with an astonishingly hard head. Nor is this origin of the illustrious Van Zandt a whit more improbable or repugnant to belief than what is related and universally admitted of certain of our greatest, or rather richest, men ; who, we are told with the utmost gravity, did originally spring from a dunghill ! Of the second of the trio, but faint accounts have reached to this time, which mention that he was a sturdy, obstinate, worrying, bustling little man ; and, from being usually equipped in an old pair of buckskins, was familiarly dubbed Harden Broeck ; that is to say. Hard in the Breech ; or, as it was generally rendered, Tough Breeches. Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. It is a singular but ludicrous fact, which, were I not scrupulous in recording the whole truth, I should almost be tempted to pass over in silence, as incompatible with the gravity and dignity of history, that this worthy gentleman should likewise have been nicknamed from what, in modern times, is considered the most ignoble part of the dress. But, in truth, the small-clothes seems to have been a very dignified garment in the eyes of our venerated ancestors, in all probability from its covering that part of the body which has been pronounced "the seat of honour." The name of Ten Broeck, or, as it was sometimes spelt. Tin Broeck, has been indifferently translated into Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches. Certain elegant ond ingenious writers on the subject declare in favour of Tin, or rather Thin, Breeches ; whence they infer that the original bearer of it was a poor but merry rogue, whose galligaskins were none of the soundest, and who, peradventure, may have been the author of that truly philosophical stanza : " Then why ihoald we qoarrcl for riches, Or any such glittering toys ; A light heart and (Aim pair <^ breeches Will go through the world, uiy brave boyil "^ la ' m 50 HISTOBT OK NEW-TORK. [bOOK H. The more accurate commentators, however, declare in favour of the other reading, and affirm that the worthy in question was a burly, bulbous man, who, in sheer ostentation of his venerable progenitors, was the first to introduce into the settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of ten pair of breeches. Such was the trio of coadjutors chosen by Oloffe the Dreamer, to accompany him in this voyage into unknown realms ; as to the names of his crews they have not been handed down by history. Having, as I before observed, passed much of his life in the open air, among the peripatetic philosophers of Amsterdam, Oloffe had become familiar with the aspect of the heavens, and could as accurately determine when a storm was brewing or a squall rising, as a dutiful husband can foresee, from the brow of his spouse, when a tempest is gathering about his ears. Having pitched upon a time for his voyage, when the skies appeared propitious, he exhorted all his crews to take a good night's rest, wind up their family affairs, and make their wills; precautions taken by our forefathers even in after times when they became more adventurous, and voyaged to Haverstraw, or Kaatskill, or Groodt Esopus, or any other far country, beyond the great waters of the Tappan Zee. CHAP. IV. And now the rosy blush of mom began to mantle in the east, and soon the rising sun, emerging from amidst golden and purple clouds, shed his blithsome rays on the tin weathercocks of Communipaw. It was that delicious season of the year, when Nature, breaking from the chilling thraldom of old winter, like a blooming damsel from the tyranny of a sordid old father, threw herself, blushing with ton thousand charms, into the arms of youthful Spring. Every tufted copse and blooming grove resounded with the notes of hymeneal love. Tlie very insects, as they sipped the dew that gemmed the tender grass of the meadows, joined in the joyous epithalamium — the virgin bud timidly put forth its blushes, " the voice of the turtle was heard in the land," and the heart of man dis- solved away in tenderness. Oh, sweet Theocritus! had I thine oaten reed, wherewith thou erst did charm the gay Sicilian plains; or, oh, gentle Bion! thy pastoral pipe, wherein the happy swains of the Lesbian isle so much de- CBAi %ht< havin wing thefai fortin* «0 8W( comme clothed No 8 *he win all in I K^ortlan blast, th *l»ey tru njultitud common shows th seen in o ^th hum cousins, a The go canoes, ai l>oat, shar Jo%-boat owked, tl beach, wh hearing, vi good care *"»ce othej given by jJ «nd adven j voyagers c] of the bay! iuicient Pgl AndfirsJ opposite n brought inl P^theHudi its way tot] ,. * It w a mf | ju.u i i i !yj.Ji. il pipe* aucb ae- CHAP. IT.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF NTEUW NEDERLANPTS. 51 Kghtcd, then might I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or negligent Idyllium, the rural beauties of the scei.^e; but having nothing, save this jaded goose-quill, wherewith to wing my flight, I must fain resign all poetic disportings of the fancy, and pursue my narrative in humble prose ; com- forting myseli' with the hope, that though it may not steal so sweetly upon the imagination of my reader, yet it may commend itself, with virgin modesty, to his better judgment, clothed in the chaste and simple garb of truth. No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus dart into the windows of Communipaw, than the little settlement was all in motion. Forth issued from his castle the sage Van Kortlandt, and seizing a conch shell, blew a far resounding blast, that soon summoned all his lusty followers. Then did they trudge resolutely down to the water side, escorted by a multitude of relatives and friends, who all went down, as the common phrase expresses it, "to see them off." And this shows the antiquity of those long family processions, often seen in our city, composed of all ages, sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles and bandboxes, escorting some bevy of country cousins, about to depart for home in a market-boat. The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a squadron of three canoes, and hoisted his flag on board a little round Dutch boat, shaped not unlike a tub, which had formerly been the jolly-boat of the Croede Vrouw. And now, all being em- barked, they bade farewell to the gazing throng upon the beach, who continued shouting after them, even when out of hearing, wishing them a happy voyage, advising them to take good care of themselves, not to get drowned — with an abun- dance other of those sage and invaluable cautions, generally given by landsmen to such as go down to the sea in ships, and adventure upon the deep waters. In the meanwhile the voyagers cheerily urged their course across the crystal bosom of the bay, and soon left behind them the green shores of ancient Favonia. And first they touched at two small islands which lie nearly opposite Communipaw, and which are said to have been brought into existence about the time of the great irruption of the Hudson, when it broke through the Highlands and made its way to the ocean.* For, in this tremendous uproar of the * It is a matter long since Mtablidied bj certain of oar philoMolien, that il to say, hating been often advanced and nerer contradicted, Jt bu B 8 i'f. ''M 52 BISTOBT OF NKW-TORK. [booku. waters, we are told that many huge fragments of rock and land were rent from the mountains and swept down by this runaway river, for sixty or seventy miles; where some of them ran aground on the shoals just opposite Communipaw, and formed the identical islands in question, while others drifted out to sea, and were never heard of more. A sufficient proof of the fact is, that the rock which forms the bases of these islands is exactly similar to that of the Highlands, and more- over one of our philosophers, who has diligently compared the agreement of their respective surfaces, has even gone so for as to assure me, in confidence, that Gibbet Island was ori- ginally nothing more nor less than a wart on Anthony's nose. * Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next coasted by Governor's Island, since terrible from its frowning fortress and grinning batteries. They would by no means, however, land upon this island, since they doubted much it might be the abode of demons and spirits, which in those days did greatly abound throughout this savage and pagan country. Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises came rolling and tumbling by, turning up their sleek sides to the sun, and spouting up the briny element in sparkling showers. No sooner did the sage Oloffe mark this than he was greatly re- joiced. " This," exclaimed he, " if I mistake not, augurs well — the porpoise is a fat, well-conditioned fish — a burgomaster among fishes — his looks betoken ease, plenty, and prosper!^ — I greatly admire this round fat fish, and doubt not but this is a happy omen of the success of our undertaking." So saying, he directed his squadron to steer in the track of these alder- man fishes. Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they swept up the strait vulgarly called the East River. And here the rapid tide which courses through this strait, seizing on the gallant tub in which Commodore Van Kortlandt had embarked, hurried grown to be pretty nigh equal to a settled fact, that the Hadson was ori- ginoUj a kke dammed up by the mountains of the Highlands. In process of time, however, becoming very mighty and obstreperous, and the moun- tains waxing pursy, dropsical, and weak in the back, by reason of their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them, and after a violent struggle effected its escape. This is said to have come to pass in verv remote time, probably before that rivers had lost the art of running up hiU. The fore- going M a theory in which I do not pretend to be skilled, notwithstaodiog that! do fully give it my belief. * A promontory in the Highlands. CHAP it for gated had a] vigati were i jolly p, to fulfi Thu bolster log to drifted pleasan tl»e eye, what t] beheld i ployed romanti( feather < At 81^ were noi it, at the valiant n means d Mjonerd with exc he Beizei Ws head, sun. TJ Kip an i lifted hec of this tn with con! away int< This si in honou '^oliant K be called beart of his own, to the full of rich ui CHAP. IV. J FIB8T SETTLEUEKT OF KnEITIV 17EDERLAin>T8. 69 it forward with a velocity unparalleled in a Dutch boat, navi- gated hy Dutchmen ; insomuch that the good commodore, who had all his life long been accustomed only to the drowsy na- vigation of canals, was more than ever convinced that they were in the hands of some supernatural power, and that the jolly porpoises were towing them to some fair haven that was to fulfil all their wishes and expectations. Thus borne away by the resistless current, they doubled thai boisterous point of land since called Corlear*s Hook*, and leav- ing to the right the rich winding cove of the Wallabout, they drifted into a magnificent expanse of water, surrounded by pleasant shores, whose verdure was exceedingly refreshing to the eye. While the voyagers were looking around them, on what they conceived to be a serene and sunny lake, they beheld at a distance a crew of painted savages, busily em- ployed in fishing, who seemed more like the genii of this romantic region — their slender canoe lightly balanced like a feather on the undulating surface of the bay. At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of Communipaw were not a little troubled. But, as good fortune would have it, at the bow of the commodore's boat was stationed a very valiant man, named Hendrick Kip (which, being interpreted, means cAtcAen,a name given him in token of his courage). No sooner did he behold these varlet heathens, than he trembled with excessive valour, and although a good half mile distant, he seized a musketoon that lay at hand, and turning away his head, fired it most intrepidly in the face of the blessed sun. Tlie blundering weapon recoiled, and gave the valiant Kip an ignominious kick, which laid him prostrate with up- lifted heels in the bottom of the boat. But such was the efiect of this tremendous fire, that the wild men of the woods, struck with consternation, seized hastily upon their paddles, and shot away into one of the deep inlets of the Long Island shore. This signal victory gave new spirits to the voyagers, and in honour of the achievement they gave the name of the valiant Kip to the surrounding bay, and it has continued to be called Kip's Bat from that time to the present. The heart of the good Van Kortlandt — who, having no land of his own, was a great admirer of other people's — expanded to the full size of a pepper-corn at the sumptuous prospect of rich unsettled country around him, and falling into a de- * Properly spelt hoeck (i. e. a pdnt of land). B 3 II 54 BISTOBT OF KBW-TORX. [book IS licious reverie, he straightway began to riot in the possession of vast meadows of salt marsh and interminable ])atches of cabbages. From this delectable yision he was all at once awakened by the sudden turning of the tide, which would soon have hurried him from this land of promise, had not the discreet navigator given signal to steer for shore ; where they accordingly landed hard by the rocky heights of Belle- Tue — that happy retreat, where our jolly aldermen eat for the good of the city, and fatten the turtle that are sacrificed on civic solemnities. Here, seated on the green-sward, by the side of a small stream that ran sparkling among the grass, they refreshed themselves after the toils of the seas, by feasting lustily on the ample stores which they had provided for this perilous voyage. Thus having well fortified their deliberative powers, they fell into an earnest consultation, what was farther to be done. This was the first council dinner ever eaten at Belle- vue by Christian burghers ; and here, as tradition relates, did originate the great family feud between the Harden- broecks and the Tenbroecks, which afterwards had a singular influence on the building of the city. The sturdy Harden Broeck, whose eyes had been wondrously delighted with the salt marshes which spread their reeking bosoms along the coast, at the bottom of Kip's Bay, counselled by all means to return thither, and found the intended city. This was stre- nuously opposed by the unbending Ten Broeck, and many testy arguments passed between them. The particulars of this controversy have not reached us, which is ever to be lamented ; this much is certain, that the sage Oloffe put an end to the dispute, by determining to explore still farther in the route which the mysterious porpoises had so clearly pointed out ; whereupon the sturdy Tough Breeches aban- doned the expedition, took possession of a neighbouring hill, and in a fit of great wrath peopled all that tract of country, which has continued to be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks unto this very day. By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some wanton urchin sporting on the side of a green hill, began to roll down the declivity of the heavens; and now, the tide having once more turned in their favour, the Pavonians again committed themselves to its discretion, and coasting along the westenv shores, were borne towards the straits of BUckwell's Island. CHAP, An casioi] marin and, s some Manni vine, f on the the mi( much ( the Ian todoul Whe seemed to chec] in all h( the fret plants 1 with th< generoui the tulii Where 3 buried hawk bu his wate those sh and prij solitude reared tl and the Thus Jbiown ( foot of waves, against i mariners which, li broke up land an< they hat Iircbin once iitted lestenv Bland. CHAP. IV.] FIB8T SXTTLEXElfT OF KUCTTW NKDERLANDTS. 55 And here the capricious wanderings of the current oc^ casioned not a little marvel and perplexity to these illustrious mariners. Now would they be caught by the wanton eddies, and, sweeping round a jutting pointy would wind deep into some romantic little cove, that indented the fair island of Manna-hata ; now were they hurried narrowly by the very bases of impending rocks, mantled with the flaunting grape- vine, and crowned with groves which threw a broad shade on the waves beneath ; and anon they were borne away into the mid-channel and wafted along with a rapidity that very much discomposed the sage Van Kortlandt, who, as he saw the land swiftly receding on either side, began exceedingly to doubt that terra firma was giving them the slip. Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new creation seemed to bloom around. No signs of human thrift appeared to check the delicious wildness of Nature, who here revelled in all her luxuriant variety. Those hills, now bristled, like the fretful porcupine, with rows of poplars (vain upstart plants ! minions of wealth and fashion !), were then adorned with the vigorous natives of the soil; the lordly oak, the generous chesnut, the graceful elm — while here and there the tulip-tree reared its majestic head, the giant of the forest. Where now are seen the gay retreats of luxury — villas half buried in twilight bowers, whence the amorous flute oft breathes the sighings of some city swain — there the fish- hawk built his solitary nest, on some dry tree that overlooked his watery domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed along those shores now hallowed by the lover*s moonlight walk, and printed by the slender foot of beauty; and a savage solitude extended over those happy regions, where now are reared the stately towers of the Joneses, the Schermerhomes, and the Rhinelanders. Thus gliding in silent wonder through these new and un- known scenes, the gallant squadron of Pavonia swept by the foot of a promontory, which strutted forth boldly into the waves, and seemed to frown upon them as they brawled against its base. This is the bluff well known to modem mariners by the name of Gracie's Point, from the fair castle which, like an elephant, it carries upon its back. And here broke upon their view a wild and varied prospect, where land and water were beauteously intermingled, as though they had combined to heighten and set off each othcra I 4 II m •<\m., 56 niSTORT OF NEW-TORK. [book IL charms. To their right lay the sedjry point of Blackwell's Island, drest in the fresh garniture of living green ; beyond it stretched the pleasant coust uf Sundswick, and the small harbour well known by the name of Hallet's Cove — a place infamous in latter days, by reason of its being the haunt of pirates who infest these seas, robbing orchards and water-melon patches, and insulting gentlemen navigators when voyaging in their pleasure boats. To the left a deep bay, or rather creek, gracefully receded between shores fringed with forests, and forming a kind of vista, through which were beheld the svivan regions of Haerlem, Morrissania, and East Chester. Here the eye reposed with delight on a richly wooded country, diversified by tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, and waving lines of upland, swelling above each other ; while, over the whole, the purple mists of spring diffused a hue of soft voluptuousness. Just before them the grand course of the stream, making a sodden bend, wound among embowered promontories and shores of emerald verdure, that seemed to melt into the wave. A character of gentleness and mild fertility prevailed nround. The sun had just descended, and the thin haze of twilight, like a transparent veil drawn over the bosom of virgin beauty, heightened the charms which it half concealed. Ah ! witching scenes of foul delusion I Ah ! hapless voy* agers, gazing with simple wonder on these Circean shores ! Such, alas ! are they, poor easy souls, who listen to the se- dui^tions of a wicked world; treacherous are its smiles, fatal its caresses ! He who yields to its enticements launches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his feeble bark among the dimpling eddies of a whirlpool ! And thus it fared with the woithies f)f Pavonia, who, little mistrusting the guileful scene before them, drifted quietly on, until they were aroused by an uncommon tossing and agitation of their vessels. For now the late dimpling current began to brawl around them, and the waves to boil and foam with horrific fury. Awakened as if from a dream, the astonished Oloffe bawled aloud to put about, but his words were lost amid the roaring of the waters. And now ensued a scene of direful consternation. At one bottomed burgher peeled like an onion, and breeches after breeches Gv>rcad forth over the land until they covered the actual site i ihis venerable city. This is the true history of the adroit bargain by which tho Island of Manhattan was bought for sixty guilders ; and in corroboration of it I will add, that Mynheer Ten Breeches, for his services on this memorable occasion, was elevated to * MSS. of the Hev. John Heckwelder ; New York Historical Society. CHAP. Tm.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF N1EUW HEDERLANDTS. 65 the office of land measurer ; which he ever afterwards excr- ciaed in the colony. CHAP. VIU. The land being thus fairly purchased of the Indians, a cir- cumstance very unusual in the history of colonisation, and strongly illustrative of the honesty of our Dutch progenitors, a stockade fort and trading house were forthwith erected on an eminence in front of the place where the good St. Nicholas had appeared in a vision to Oloffe the Dreamer ; and which, as has already been observed, was the identical place at present known as the Bowling Green. Around this fort a progeny of little Dutch-built houses, with tiled roofs and weathercocks, soon sprang up, nestling them- selves under its walls for protection, as a brood of half-fledged chickens nestle under the wings of the mother hen. The whole was surrounded by an inclosure of strong palisadoes, to guard against any sudden irruption of the savages. Outside of these extended the corn-fields and cabbage-gardens of the community, with here and there an attempt at a tobacco plantation ; all covering those tracts of country at present called Broadway, Wall-street, William-street and Pearl- street. I must not omit to mention, that in portioning out the land a goodly " bowerie " or farm was allotted to the sage Oloffe, in consideration of the service he had rendered to the public by his talent at dreaming ; and the site of his *' bowerie " is known by the name of Kortlandt (or Courtland) street to the present day. And now the infant settlement having advanced in age and stature, it was thought high time it should receive an honest Christian name. Hitherto it had gone by the original Indian name Manna-hata, or, as some will have it, "The Manhattoes;" but this was now decried as savage and heathenish, and as tending to keep up the memory of the pagan brood that ori^ ginally possessed it. Many were the consultations held upon the subject, without coming to a conclusion, for though every body condemned the old name, nobody could invent a new one. At length, when the council was almost in despair, a burgher, remarkable for the size and squareness of his head, proposed that they should call it New- Amsterdam. The pro- 66 IflOTORT CP NEW-TOliK. [book U. position took every body by surprise ; it was so striking, so apposite, so ingenious. The name was adopted by accIama-> tion, and K(;w -Amsterdam the metropolis was thenceforth called. Still, however, the early authors of the province continued to call it by the general appellation of " The Man- hattoes," and the poets fondly clung to the euphonious name of Manna-hata ; but those are a kind of folk whose tastes and notions should go for nothing in matters of this kind. Having thus provided the embryo city with a name, the next was to give it an armorial bearing or device, as some cities have a rampant lion, others a soaring eagle ; emblem- atical, no doubt, of the valiant and high-flying qualities of the inhabitants : so after mature deliberation a sleek beaver was emblazoned on the city standard as indicative oi the amphibious origin, and patient, persevering habits of the New-Amsterdammers. The thriving state of the settlement and the rapid increase of houses soon made it necessary to arrange some plan upon which the city should be built ; but at the very first consult- ation held on the subject, a violent discussion nrose ; and I mention it with much sorrowing as being the first altercation on record in the councils of New-Amsterdam. It was, in fact, a breaking-forth of the grudge and heart-burning that had existed between those two eminent burghers, Mynheers Ten Broeck and Harden Broeck, ever since their unhappy dispute on the coast of Bellevne. The great Harden Broeck had waxed very wealthy and powerful from his domains, which embraced the whole chain of Apulean mountains that stretched along the gulf of Kip's Bay, and from part of which his descendants have been expelled in latter ages by the powerful clans of the tToneses und the Schermerhomes. An ingenious plan for the ciiy was oSTered by Mynheer Harden Broeck, who ^p reposed that it should be cut up and intersected by canals, after the manner of the most admired cities in Holland. To this Mynheer Ten Broeck was dia- metrically opposed, suggesting in place thereof, that they should run out docks and wharves, by means of piles driven into the bottom of the river, on which the town should be built " By these means," said he, triumphantly, ** shall we rescue a considerable space of territory from these immense rivers, and build a city that shall rival Amsterdam, Venice) or any amphibious city in Europe.** To this proposition. the CHAP. VIII.] FIBST SETTLEMENT OF NIEUW NEDEBLANDTS. 67 Harden Broeck (or Tough Breeches) replied, with a look of as much scorn as he could possibly assume. He cast the utmost censure upon the plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous, and against the very ordcrof things, as he would leave to every true Hollander. " For what," said he, ** is a town without canals? — it is like a body without veins and arteries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of the vital fluid." — Ten Breeches, on the contrary, retorted with a sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat of an arid, dry>boned habit ; he remarked, that as to the circu- lation of the blood being necessary to existence. Mynheer Tough Breeches was a living contradiction to his own as- sertion ; for every body knew there had not a drop of blood circulated through his wind-dried carcase for good ten years, and yet there was not a greater busybody in the whole colony. Personalities have seldom much effect in making converts in argument ; nor have I ever seen a man convinced of error by being convicted of deformity. At least such was not the case at present. If Ten Breeches was very happy in sarcasm, Tough Breeches, who was a sturdy little man, and never gave up the last word, rejoined with increasing spirit; Ten Breeches had the advantage of the greatest volubility, but Tough Breeches had that invaluable coat of mail in argument called obstinacy; Ten Breeches had, therefore, the most mettle, but Tough Breeches the best bottom — so that though Ten Breeches made a dreadful clattering about his ears, and battered and belaboured him with hard words and sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches hung on most resolutely to the last. They parted, therefore, as is usual in all arguments where both parties are in the right, without coming to any conclusion ; but they hated each other most heartily for ever after, and a similar breach with that between the houses of Gapulet and Montague did ensue between the families of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters of fact, but that my duty as a faithful historian requires that I should be particular ; and, in truth, as I am now treating of the critical period when our city, like a young twig, first received the twists and turns which have since contributed to give it its present picturesque irregularity, I cannot be too minute in detailing their first causes. After the unhappy altercation I have just mentioned, I do F i> • I ?:■ 1 I'H '? IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) %^ 4^ ^ 1.0 I.I 11.25 £ m Z Ui 120 tii I n Photographic ^Sck3nces Corporation ^ )9 WHT MAM ITIMT WnSTIR.N.Y. 14110 (7U) 171.4103 4^ <> k V 68 BI8T0BT or NEW-TOBK. [bookh. not find that anythint; farther was said on the subject worthy of being recorded. The council, consisting of the largest and oldest heads in the coniniunity, met regularly once a week, to ponder on this momentous subject ; but, either they were deterred by the war of words they had witnessed, or they were naturally averse to the exercise of the tongue, and the consequent exercise of the brains-— eertain it is, the most profound silence was maintained — the question, as usual, lay on the table — the members quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, without ever enforcing any, and in the meantime the affairs of the settlement went on — as it pleased God. As most of the council were but little skilled in the mystery of combining pot-hooks and hangers, they determined most judiciously not to puzzle either themselves or posterity with voluminous records. The secretary, however, kept the minutes of the council with tolerable precision, in a large vellum folio, fastened with massy brass clasps ; the journal of each meeting cor -fisted but of two lines, stating in Dutch, that ** the council sat this day, and smoked twelve pipes on the affairs of the colony." By which it appears that the first settlers did not regulate their time by hours, but pipes, in the same manner as they measure distances in Holland at this very time ; an admirably exact measurement, as a pipe in the mouth of a true-born Dutchman is never liable to those accidents and irregularities that are continually putting our clocks out of order. In this manner did the profound council of New- Amster- dam smoke, and doie, and ponder, from week to week, month to month, and year to year, in what manner they should construct their infant settlement ; meanwhile the town took care of itself, and, like a stui ly brat which is suffered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts and bandages, and other abominations by which your notable nurses and sage old women cripple and disfigure the children of men, increased so rapidly in strength and magnitude, that before the honest burgomasters had determined upon a plan, it was too late to put it in execution— whereupon they wisely abandoned the subject altogether. . (mAP.XX.] FIRST fBTTLEMBNT OF KIKUW NEDEIU.ANDTS. €0 CHAP. IX. Thkre 18 something evceedingly delusive in thus looking back, through the long vista of departed years, and catching a glimpse of the fairy realms of antiquity. Like a landscape melting into distance, they receive a thousand charms from their very obscurity, and the fancy delights to fill up their outlines with graces and excellences of its own creation* Thus loom on my imagination those happier cays of oar dty, when as yet Mew-Amsterdam was a mere pastoral town, shrouded in groves of sycamores and willows, and surrounded by trackless forests and wide-spreading waters, that seemed to shut out all the cares and vanities of a wicked world. In those days did this embryo city present the rare and noble spectacle of a community governed without laws ; and thus being left to its own course, and the fostering care of Providence, increased as rapidly as though it had been burthened with a dozen panniers full of those sage laws usually heaped on the backs of young cities-— in order to make them grow. And in this particular I greatly admire the wisdom and sound knowledge of human nature, displayed by the sage Oloffe the Dreamer and his fellow legislators. For my part, I have not so bad an opinion of mankind as many of my brother philosophers. I do not think |M)or human nature so sorry a piece of workmanship as they would make it out to be ; and as far as I have observed, 1 am fully satisfied that man, if left to himself, would about as readily go right as wrong. It is only this eternally sounding in his ears that it is his duty to go right, which makes him go the very reverse. The noble independence of his nature revolts at this intole- rable tyranny of law, and the perpetual interference of ofllciona morality, which are ever besetting his path with finger-posts and directions to ''keep to the right, as the law directs ; >nd like a spirited urchin, he turns directly contrary, and gallops through mud and mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to show that he is a lad of spirit, and out of his leading-strings. And these opinions are amply substantiated by what I have above said of our worthy ancestors; who never being be- preached and be-lectured, and guided and governed by statutes and laws and by-laws, as are their more enlightened r S 7© BISTORT OF MKW-TOBK. [BOOKn. descendants, did one and all demean themselves honestlj and peaceably, out of pure ignorance, or, in other words— because they knew no better. Nor must I omit to record one of the earliest measures of this infant settlement, inasmuch ns it shows the piety of our forefathers, and that, like good Christians, they were always ready to serve God, after they had first served themselves. Thus, having quietly settled themselves down, and provided for their own comfort, they bethought themselves of testifying their gratitude to the great and good St. Nicholas, for his protecting care, in guiding them to this delectable abode. To this end they built a fair and goodly chapel within the fort, which they consecrated to his name ; whereupon he im- mediately took the town of New-Amsterdam under km pecu- liar patronage, and he has ever since been, and I devoutly hope will ever be, the tutelar saint of this excellent city. At this early period was instituted that pious ceremony, still religiously observed in all our ancient families of the right breed, of hanging up a stocking in the chimney on St. Nicholas' eve ; which stocking is always found in the morning miraculously filled ; for the good St. Nicholas has ever been a great giver of gifts, particularly to children. I am moreover told that there is a little legendary book, somewhere extant, written in Low Dutch, which says, that the image of this renowned saint, which whilom graced the bowsprit of the Groede Vrouw, was elevated in front of this chapel, in the centre of what, in modern days, is called the Bowling Green — on the very spot, in fact, where he ap- peared in vision to Oloffe the Dreamer. And the legend further treats of divers miracles wrought by the mighty pipe, which the saint held in his mouth ; a whiff of which was a sovereign cure for an indigestion — an invaluable relic in this colony of brave trenchermen. As, however, in spite of the most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon this little book, I must confess that I entertain considerable doubt on the subject. Thus benignly fostered by the good St. Nicholas, the infant city tlirivcd npaco. Hordes of painted savages, it is true, still lurked about the unsettled parts of the island. The hunter still pitched his bower of skins and bark beside the rills that ran through the cool and shady glens, while here and there might be seen, on some sunny knoll, a group of Indian wigwams, i CHAP. IX.] FIRST SETTLEMENT OF KIEUW NEDKRLANDTS. 71 whose smoke arose above the neighbouring trees, and floated in the transparent atmosphere. A mutual good-will, however, existed between these wandering beings and the burghers of New- Amsterdam. Our benevolent forefathers endeavoured as mnch as possible to ameliorate their situation, bj giving them gin, rum, and glass beads, in exchange for their peltries ; for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen had conceived a g^at iViendship for their savage neighbours, on account of their being pleasant men to trade with, and little skilled in the art of making a bargain. Now and then a crew of these half human sons of the forest would make their appearance in the streets of New- Amster- dam, fantastically painted and decorated with beads and flaunting feathers, sauntering about with an air of listless indiiTerence — sometimes in the market-place, instructing the little Dutch boys in the use of the bow and arrow — at other times, inflamed with liquor, swaggering and whooping and yelling about the town like so many fiends, to the great dismay of all the good wives, who would hurry their children into the house, fasten the doors, and throw water upon the enemy from the garret windows. It is worthy of mention here, that our forefathers were very particulnr in holding up these wild men as excellent domestic examples— and for reasons that may be gathered from the history of Master Ogilby, who tells us, that " for the least offence the bridegroom soundly beats his wife and turns her out of doors, and marries another, insomuch that some of them have every year a new wife." Whether this awful example had any influence or not, history does not mention ; but it is certain that our grandmothers were miracles of fidelity and obedience. True it is, that the good understanding between our ancestors and their savnge neighbours was liable to occasional interruptions, and I have heard my grandmother, who was u Tery wise old woman, and well versed in the history of these Grts, tell a long story of a winter's evening, about a battle tween the New. Amsterdam mers and the Indians, which was known by the name of the Peach fVar^ and which took place near a peach orchard, in a dark glen, which for a long while went by the name of Murderer's Valley. The legend of this sylvan war was long current among the nunes, old wives, and other ancient clironiclers of the place ; r 4 7S niSTOKT OF NEW-TOBK* [book II, but time tnd improvement have almost obliterated both the tradition and the scene of battle; for what was once the blood*8taiiied valley is now in the centre of this popalous citv, and known bj the name of Dey~streeL I know not whether it was to this " Peach War," and the acquisitions of Indian land which may have grown out of it, that we may ascribe the first seeds of the spirit of " annexa- tion" which now began to manifest themselves. Hitherto the ambition of the worthy burghers had been confined to the lovely island of Manna-hata; and Spiten Devil on the Hudson, and Hell-gate on the Sound, were to them the pillars of Her- cules, the ne plus ultra of human enterprise. Shortly after the Peach War, however, a restless spirit was observed among the New-Amsterdammers, who began to cast wistful looks upon the wild lands of their Indian neighbours ; for somehow or other wild Indian land always looks greener in the eyes of settlers than the land they occupy. It is hinted that Oloffe the Dreamer encouraged these notions ; having, as has been shown, the inherent spirit of a land speculator, which had been wonderfully quickened and expanded since he had become a landholder. Many of the common people, who had never before owned a foot of land, now began to be discontented with the town lots which had fallen to their shares ; others who had snug farms and tobacco plantations, found they had not sufficient elbow-room, nnd b^an to question the rights of the Indians to the vast regions they pretended to hold, — while the good Oloffe indulged in magnificent dreams of foreign conquest and great patroonships in the wilderness. The result of these dreams were certain exploring expedi- tions sent forth in various directions to " sow the seeds of empire," as it was said. The earliest of these were conducted by Hans Reinier Oothout, an old navigator famous for the sharpness of his vision, who could see land when it was quite out of sight to ordinary mortals, and who had a spy-glass covered with a bit of tarpauling, with which he could spy up the crookedest river, quite to its head waters. He was ac- companied by Mynheer Ten Breeches, as land measurer, in case of any dispute with the Indians. What was the consequence of these exploring expeditions? In a little while we find a frontier post or trading-house called Fort Nassau, established far to the south on Delaware River ; another called Fort Qoed Hoep (or Good Hope^ on the K ( V ' br, in Ions? laUed )ver; the BOOKUL] GOLDUf BEION OV WODTKR VAN T^VILLEB. 73 Vanwhe or Fresh, >r Connecticut River ; and another called Fort Anrania (now Albany) away up the Hudson River ; while the boundaries of the province kept extending on every side, nobody knew whither, far into the regions of Terra Inc(»nita. Of the boundary feuds and troubles which the ambitious little province brought upon itself by these indefinite expan* fiions of its territory, we shall treat at large in the after pages of this eventful history ; sufficient for the present is it to say, that the swelling importance of the New-Nederland awakened the attention of the mother country, who, finding it likely to yield much revenue and no trouble, began to take that interest in its welfare which knowing people evince for rich relations. But as this opens a new era in the fortunes of New-Amster- dam, I will here put an end to this second book of my history, and will treat of the maternal policy of the mother country in my next \ BOOK III. IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTEB VAN TWILLER. CHAPTER I. GmEYOUS and very much to be commiserated is the task of the feeling historian, who writes the history of his native land. If it fall to his lot to be the recorder of calamity or crime, the mournful page is watered with his tears — nor can he recall the most prosperous and blissful era, without a melancholy sigh at the reflection, that it has passed away for ever! I know not whether it be owing to an immoderate love for the simplicity of former times, or to that certain tenderness of heart incident to all sentimental historians ; but I candidly confess that I cannot look back on the happier days of our city, which I now describe, without great dejection of spirits. With faltering hand do I withdraw the curtain of oblivion, that veils the modest merit of our venerable ancestors, and as their fisures rise to my mental vision, humble myself before their mighty shades. 74 mSTOST OF inCW-TOBK. {[BOOK m. Sach are mj feelings when I reTisit the family mansion of the Knickerbockers, and spend a lonely hour in the chamber where hang the portraits of my forefathers, shroaded in dast, like the forms Uiey represent. With pious reverence do I gaze on the countenances of those renowned butchers, who have preceded me in the steady march of existence — whose sober and temperate blood now meanders through my veins, flowing slower and slower in its feeble conduits, until its current shall soon be stopped for ever ! These, I say to myself, are but frail memorials of the mighty men who flourished in the days of the patriarchs ; but who, alas ! have long since mouldered in that tomb, to- wards which my steps are insensibly and irresistibly l^asten- ing. As I pace the darkened chamber and lose myiielf in melancholy musings, the shadowy images around me almost seem to steal once more into existence — their countenances to assume the animation of life — their eyes to pursue me in every movement ! Carried away by the delusions of fancy, r almost imagine myself surrounded by the shades of the de- parted, and holding sweet converse with the worthies of antiquity! Ah, hapless Diedrich! born in a degenerate age, abandoned to the bufletings of fortune — a stranger and a weary pilgrim in thy native land — blest with no weeping wife, nor family of helpless children ; but doomed to wander neglected through those crowded streets, and elbowed by foreign upstarts from those fair abodes where once thine an- cestors held sovereign empire ! Let me not, however, lose the historian in the man, nor suffer the doting recollections of age to overcome me, while dwelling with fond garrulity on the virtuous days of the patriarchs — on those sweet days of simplicity and ease, which never more will dawn on the lovely island of Mannn-hata. These melancholy reflections have been forced from me by the growing wealth and importanceof New- Amsterdam, which, I plainly perceive, are to involve it in all kinds of perils and disasters. Already, as I observed at the close of my last book, they had awakened the attention of t)ie mother country. The usual mark of protection shown by mother countries to wealthy colonies was forthwith manifested ; a governor being sent out to rule over the province, and squeeze out of it as much revenue an possible. The arrival of a governor of course put an end to the protectorate of Olofie the Dreamer. Ha He .OBAP. L] golden BKION OF WOUTER VAX TWILLEIl. 7<5 ftppearsi however, to haye dreamt to some purpose durin;; hi8 swaj, as we find him afterwards living as a patroon on u great hmded estate on the banks of the Hudson, having vir- tually forfeited all right to his ancient appellation of Kortlandt, or Lackland. It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer Wonter Van Twiller was appointed governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the commission and control of their High Mightinesses the Lords States General of the United Netherlands and the privileged West India Company. This renowned old gentleman arrived at New- Amsterdam in the-merry month of June, the sweetest month in all the year; when Dan Apollo seems to dance up the transparent fir- mament — when the robin, the thrush, and a thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to resound with amorous ditties, and the luxurious little boblincon revels among the clover blossoms of the meadows — all which happy coincidence persuaded the old dames of New- Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art of foretelling events, that this was to be a happy and prosperous administration. The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was de- scended from a long line of Dutch burgomasters, who had suc- cessively dozed away their lives, and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterdam ; and who had comported themselves with such singular wisdom and propriety, that i -i^y were never either heard or talked of — which, next to La ig universally applauded, should be the object of ambition of uu magistrates and rulers. There are two opposite ways by which some men make a figure in the world; one by talking faster than they think, and the other by holding their tongues and not thinking at all By the first many a smatterer acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts; by the other many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds, comes to be considered the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is a casual remark, which I would not for the universe have it thought I apply to Governor Van Twiller. It is true he was 1 man shut up within himself, like an oyster, and rarely spoke except in monosyllables ; but then it was allowed he seldom said a foolish thing. So invincible was his gravity that he was never known to laugh, or even to smile, through the whole course of a long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke were uttered in his presence, that set light-minded hearers in a roar, 76 BI8T0BT OF MBW-TOBK. [BOMCm. it was observed to throw him into a state of perplexity. Sometimes he would deign to inquire into the matter, and when, after much explanation, the joke was made as plain as a pike-staff, he would continue to smoke his pipe in silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, would exclaim^ ** Well I I see nothing in all that to laugh about.*' With all his reflective habits, he never made up his mind on a subject His adherents accounted for this by the aston* ishing magnitude of his ideas. He conceived every subject on so grand a scale that he had not room in his head to turn it over and examine both sides of it. Certain it is that if any matter were propounded to him on which ordinary mortals would rashly determine at first glance, he would put pn a vague, mysterious look, shake his capacious head, smoke Mme time in profound silence, and at length observe that '* he had his doubts about the matter;" which gained him the reputa- tion of a man slow of belief, and not easily imposed upon. What is more, it gained him a lasting name, for to this habit of the mind has been attributed his surname of Twiller, which is said to be a corruption of the original Twijfler, or, in plaia English, Doubter, The person of this illustrious old gentleman was formed and proportioned, as though it had been moulded by the hands of some cunning Dutch statuary, as a model of miyesty and lordly grandeur. He was exactly five feet six inches in height, and six feet five inches in circumference. His head was a perfect sphere, and of such stupendous dimensions, that dame Nature, with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been puzzled to construct a neck capable of supporting it ; where* fore she wisely declined the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his back-bone, just between the shoulders. His body was oblong and particularly capacious at bottom, which was wisely ordered by Providence, seeing that he was a man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the idle labour of walking. His legs were short, but sturdy in proportion to the weight they had to sustain ; so that, when erect, he had not a little the appearance of a beer barrel on skids. His face, that infallible index of the mind, presented a vast expanse, unfurrowed by any of those lines and angles which disfigure the human coun* tenance with what is termed expression. Two small grey eyes twinkled feebly in the midst, like t)vo stars of lesser mag- nitude in a hazy firmament; and liis full-fed cheeks, whicH CHAP. L] golden BBkGN OF WOUTEB VAN TWILLER. 77 seemed to have taken toll of everj thing that went into hia mouth, were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like a Spitzenberg apple. His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each; be smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty. Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twiller — a true philosopher, for his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the cares and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years, without feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round it, or it round the sun; and he had watched, for at least half a century, the smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling his head with any of those numerous theories, by which a philosopher would have per- plexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above the sur- rounding atmosphere. In his council he presided with great state and solemnity He sat in a huge chair of solid oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague, fabricated by an experienced timmerman of Amsterdam, and curiously carved about the arms and feet, into exact imitations of gigantic eagle's claws. Instead of a sceptre he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with jasmin and. amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of Holland, at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary Powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe would he smoke, shaking his right kneu with a constant motion, and fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print of Amsterdam, which hung in a black frame against the opposite wall of the council chamber. Nay, it has even been said, that when any deliberation of extra- ordinary length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned Wouter would shut his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might not be disturbed by external objects— and at such times the internal commotion of his mind was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds, which his admirers declared were merely the noise of conflict, made by his contending doubts and opinions. It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to collect these biographical anecdotes of the great man under consider- ation. The facts respecting him were so scattered and vague, and divers of them so questionable in point of authenticity, 78 mSTOBT or MBW-TOBK. [bookiu* that I have had to give np the search after many, and decline the admission of still more, which would have tended to heighten the colouring of his portrait. I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the person and habits of Wouter Van Twiller, from the consideration that he was not only the first, but also the best governor^ that ever presided over this ancient and respectable province ; and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign, that I do not find throughout the whole of it, a single instance of any offender being brought to punishment — a most indubitable sign of a merciful governor, and a case unparalleled, ex* cepting in the reign of the illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal descendiuit. The very outset of the career of this excellent magistmte was distinguished by an example of legal acumen, that gave flattering presage of a wise and equitable administration. The morning after he had been installed in office and at the moment that he was making his breakfast from a pro- digious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he was interrupted by the appearance of Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of New- Amsterdam, who com- plained bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he re- fused to come to a settlement of accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in favour of the said Wandle. Governor Van Twilier, as I have already observed, was a man of few words; he was likewise a mortal enemy to mutiply- ing writings, or being disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened attentively to the statement of Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he shovelled a spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth — either as a sign that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story — he called unto him his constable, and pulling out of his breeches pocket a huge jack-knife, dispatched it after the defendant as h summons^ accompanied by his tobacco*box as a warrant. This summary process was as effectual in those simple days as was the seal ring of the great Haroun Alrasohid among l^e true believers. The two parties being confronted before him, each produced a book of accounts, written in a language and character that would have pussled any but a High Dutch commentator, or a learned decipherer of f^^tian obelisks. The sage Wouter took them one after the other, and having poised them in his hands, and attentively counted line I to P8on tion nor^ ice; not any- able cx- lom, Ifmt. tmte gave tion. d at pro- g,l»o >ven, oom- e re- vere mor n of ply. ving tyen, of he unto icket as ft nple ohid nted in a ut a »tian her, nted CBAP.n.] GOLDEN BBIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLEB. 79 over the number of leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an hour without saying a word ; at length, laying his finger beside his nose, and shutting his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who has just caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from his mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and with marvdious gravity and solemnity pronounced — that having carefully counted over the leaves and weighed the books, it was found, that one was just as thick and as heavy as the other — therefore it was the final opinion of the court that the accounts were equally balanced — therefore Wandle should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a receipt^ — and the constable should pay the costs. This decision being straightway made known, diffused general joy throughout New-Amsterdam, for the people im» mediately perceived, that they had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest effect was, that not another lawsuit took place throughout the whole of his administration — and the office of constable fell into such decay, that there was not one of those losel scouts known in the province for many years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this transaction, not only because I deem it one of the most sage and righteous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of modem magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in the history of the renowned Wouter, being the only time he was ever known to come to a decision in the whole course of his life. CHAP. n. In treating of the early governors of the province, I must caution my readers against confounding them, in point of dignity and power, with those worthy gentlemen who are whimsically denominated governors in this enlightened re- public — a set of unhappy victims of popularity, who are in faet the most d^ndent, hen-pecked beings in the community, doomed to bear the secret goadings and corrections of their own party, and the sneers and revilings of the whole world beside — set up, like geese at Christmas holidays, to be pelted and shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the lan^. On. the contrary, the Dutch governors enjoyed that i 80 HISTORT OF NEW-TOBK. [book III. uncontrolled authority, vested in all commanders of divtant colonies or territories. Ttiey were in a manner absolute despots in their little domains, lording it, if so disposed, over both law and gospel, and accountable to none but the mother country ; which, it is well known, is astonishingly deaf to all complaints against its governors, provided they discharge the main duty of their station — squeezing out a good revenue. This hint will be of importance, to prevent my readers from being seized with doubt and incredulity, whenever, in the course of this authentic history, they encounter the un- common circumstance of a governor acting with independence, and in opposition to the opinions of the multitude. To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous business of legislation, a board of mogistrates was appointed, which pre- sided immediately over the police. This potent body con- sisted of a schout, or bailiiT, with powers between those of the present mayor and sheriff — five burgermeesters, who were equivalent to aldermen, and five schepens, who officiated as scrubs, sub-devils, or bottle-holders to the burgermeesters, in the same manner as do assistant ddermen to their princi- pals at the present day ; it being their duty to fill the pipes of the lordly burgermeesters, hunt the markets for delicacies for corporation dinners, and to discharge such other little offices of kindness as were occasionally required. It was, moreover, tacitly understood, though not specifically ei^oincd^ that they should consider themselves as butts for the blunt wits of the burgermeesters, and should laugh most heartily at nil their jokes ; but this last was a duty as rarely called in action in those days as it is at present, and was shortly remitted, in consequence of the tragical death of a fat little schepen, who actually died of suffocation in an unsuccessful effort to force a laugh at one ot burgermeester Van Zandt*s best jokes. In return for these humble services, they were permitted to wy yea and no at the council-board, and to have that enviable privilege, the run of the public kitchen — being graciously permitted to eat, and drink, and smoke, at all those snug junketings and public gormandisings, for which the ancient magistrates were equally famous with their modern successors. The post of schepen, therefore, like that of assistant alderman, was eagerly coveted by all your burghers of n certain description, who have a huge reUsh I CHAP, n.] GOLDEN REIGN OW WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 61 for good feeding, and an humble ambition to be great men in a small way — who thirst after a little brief authority, that shall render them the terror of the almshouse and the bridewell — that shall enable them to lord it over obsequious poverty, vagrant vice, outcast prostitution, and hunger-driven dishonesty — that shall give to their beck a hound-like pack of catchpolls and bumbailiffs •— tenfold greater rogues than the culprits they hunt down ! My readers will excuse this sudden warmth, which I confess is unbecoming of a grave historian; but I have a mortal antipathy to catchpolls, bumbailiffs, and little great men. The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded with those of the present time no less in form, magnitude, and intellect, than in prerogative and privilege. The burgo- masters, like our aldermen, were generally chosen by weight — and not only the weight of the body, but likewise the weight of the head. It is a maxim practically observed in all honest, plain-thinking, regular cities, that an alderman should be fat — and the wisdom of this can be proved to a certainty. That the body is in some measure an image of the mind, or rather that the mind is moulded to the body, like melted lead to the clay in which it is cast, has been insisted on by many philosophers, who have made human nature their peculiar study — for, as a learned gentleman of our own city observes, " there is a constant relation between the moral character of all intelligent creatures, and their physical constitution — between their habits and the structure of their bodies." Thus we see that a lean, spare, diminutive body is generally accompanied by a petulant, restless, meddling mind; either the mind wears down the body, by its con- tinual motion; or else the body, not affording the mind Bufllcient house-room, keeps it continually in a state of iret- fulness, tossing and worrying about from the uneosincM of its situation. Whereas your round, sleek, fat, unwieldy periphery is over attended byamind like itself, tranquil, torpid, and at ease ; and we may always observe, that your well-fed, robustious burghers are in general very tenacious of their f iiae and comfort ; being great enemies to noise, discord, and disturbance — and surely none are more likelv to study the public tranquillity than those who are so careful of their own. Who over hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding together in turbulent mobs? ICo — no — it it your lean, hungry men ;H1 8S HI8T0BY OF MKW-TORK. [book UL who are continually worrying society, and setting the whole community by the ears. The divine Plato^ whose doctrines are not sufficiently attended to by philosophers of the present age, allows to every man three souls — one immortal and rational, seated in the brain, that it may overlook and regulate the body ; a second^ consisting of the surly and irascible passions which, like belligerent powers, lie encamped around the heart ; a third, mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, gross and brutal in its propensities, and enchained in the belly, that it may not disturb the divine soul by its ravenous bowlings. Now, according to this excellent theory, what can be more clear, than that your fat alderman is most likely to have the most regular and well-conditioned mind. His head is like a huge spherical chamber, containing a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon the rational soul lies softly and snugly couched, as on a feAther-bed ; and the eyes which are the windows of the bed-chamber, are usually half-closed, that its slumberings may not be disturbed by external objects. A mind thus comfortably lodged, and protected from disturbance, is mani- festly most likely to perform its functions with regularity and ease. By dint of good feeding, moreover, the mortal and malignant soul, which is confined in the belly, and which, by its raging and roaring, puts the irritable soul in the neigh- bourhood of the heart in an intolerable passion, and thus renders men crusty and quarrelsome when hungry, is com- pletely pacified, silenced, and put to rest; whereupon a host of honest, good-fellow qualities and kind-hearted affections^ which had lain perdue, slyly peeping out of the loopholes of theheart, finding thisCcrberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits^ turn out one and all in their holiday suits, and gambol up and down the diaphragm — disposing their possessor to laughter, good humour, and a thousand friendly offloea towards his fellow mortals. As a board of magistrates, formed on this principle, think i>ut verv little, they are the less likely to differ and wrangle about favourite opinions; and, as they generallv transact business upon a hearty dinner, they are naturally disposed to be lenient and indulgent in the administration of their dutief. Charlemagne was conscious of this, and therefore ordered in his cartularies, that no judge should hold a court of justice except in the morning, on an empty stomach.-^ A pitiful rule^ CHAP. II.] GOLDEN RBION OF WOUTKR VAN TWILLER. 88 which I can never forgive, and which I warrant bore hard upon all the poor culprits in the kingdom. The more en- lightened and humane generation of the present day have taken an opposite course, and have so managed, that the aldermen are the best fed men in the community ; feasting lustily on the fat things of the land, and gorging so heartily on oysters and turtles, that in process of time they acquire the activity of the one, and the form, the waddle, and the green fat of the other. The consequence is, as I have just said, these luxurious feastings do produce such a dulcet equa- nimity and repose of the soul, rational and irrational, that their transactions are proverbial for unvarying monotony ; and the profound laws which they enact in their dozing moments, amid the labours of digestion, are quietly suffered to remain as dead letters, and never enforced, when awake. In a word, your fair, round-bellied burgomaster, like a full- fed mastiff, dozes quietly at the house-door, always at home, and always at hand to watch over its safety ; but as to elect- ing a lean, meddling candidate to the office, as has now and then been done, I would as lief put a greyhound to watch the house, or a racehorse to draw an ox-waggon. The burgomasters then, as I have already mentioned, were wisely chosen by weight, and the schepens, or assistant alder- men, were appointed to attend upon them, and help them eat } but the latter, in the course of time, when they had been fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of body and drowsiness of brain, became very eligible candidates for the burgomasters* chairs, having fairly eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats his way into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly, blue- nosed, skimmed milk, New-England cheese. Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that took place between the renowned Wouter and these his worthy compeers, unless it be the sage divans of some of our modera corporations. They would sit for hours smoking and dozing over public affairs, without speaking a word to interrupt that perfect stillness, so necessary to deep reflection. Under the sober sway of Wouter Van Twiller and these his worthy coadjutors, the infant settlement waxed vigorous apace, gra- dually emerging from the swamps ond forests, and exhibiting that mingled appearance of town and country customary in new cities, and which at this day may be witnessed in the o 9 ,13 I .■ 84 mSTORT OP NEW-YOBK. [bOOK ML city of Washington ; that immense metropolis, which makes BO glorious an appearance on paper. It was a pleasing sight in those times to behold the honest burgher, like a patriarch of yore, seated on the bench at the door of his whitewashed house, under the shade of some gigantic sycamore or overhanging willow. Here would he smoke his pipe of a sultry afternoon, enjoying the soft southern breeze, and listening with silent gratulation to the clacking of his hens, the cackling of his geese, and the sonorous grunting of his swine ; thnt combination of farmyard melody, which may truly be said to have a silver sound, inasmuch as it con- veys a certain assurance of profitable marketing. The modern spectator, who wanders through the streets of this populous city, can scarcely form an idea of the diferent appearance they presented in the primitive days of the Doubter. The busy hum of multitudes, the shouts of revelry, the rumbling equipages of fashion, the rattling of accursed carts, and all the spirit-grieving sounds of brawling commerce, were unknown in the settlement of New- Amsterdam. The grass grew quietly in the highways — the bleating sheep and frolicksome calves sported about the verdant ridge, where now the Broadway loungers take their morning stroll — the cunning fox or ravenous wolf skulked in the woods, where now are to be seen the dens of Gomez and his righteous fra- ternity of money-brokers — and flocks of vociferous geese cackled about the fields, where now the great Tammany wig- wam and the patriotic tavern of Martling echo with the wrang- lings of the ru&b. In these good times did a true and enviable equality of rank and property prevail, equally removed from the arrogance of wealth, and the servility and heart-burnings of repining poverty — and, what in my mind is still more conducive to tranquillity and harmony among friends, a happy equality of intellect was likewise to be seen. The minds of the good burghers of New-Amsterdam seemed all to have been cast in one mould, and to be those honest, blunt minds, which, like certain manufactures, are made by the grosSj and con- sidered as exceedingly good for common use. Thus it happens that vour true dull minds are generally {>referred for public employ, and especially promoted to city lonours ; your keen intellects, like razors, being considered too sharp for common service. I know that it is common to y>*^' •'*»*' CHAP. II.] GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TIVILLER. 85 rail at the unequal distribution of riches, as the great source of jealousies, broils, and heart-breakings; whcruns, for my part, I verily believe it is the sad inequality of intellect that prevails, that embroils communities more than any thing else; and I have remarked that your knowing people, who are so much wiser than any body else, are eternally keeping society in a ferment. Happily for New- Amsterdam, nothing of the kind was known within its walls — the very words of learning, education, taste, and talents were unheard of — a bright genius was an animal unknown, and a blue stocking lady would have been regarded with as much wonder as a horned frog or a fiery dragon. No man in fact seemed to know more than his neighbour, nor any man to know more than an honest man ought to know, who has nobody's business to mind but his own ; the parson and the council clerk were the onlv men that could read in the community, and the sage Van Twiller always signed his name with a cross. Thrice happy and ever to be envied little burgh ! existing in all the security of harmless insignificance — unnoticed and uncnvied by the world, without ambition, without vain-glory, without riches, without learning, and all their train of carking cares ; and as of yore, in the better days of mar the deities were wont to visit him on earth and bless his rural habitations, 80 we are told, in the sylvan days of New- Amsterdam, the good St. Nicholas would often make his appearance in his beloved city, of a holiday afternoon, riding jollily among the tree-tops, or over the roofs of the houses, now and then draw- ing forth magnificent presents from his breeches pockets, and dropping them down the chimneys of his favourites. Where- as in these degenerate days of iron and brass he never shows us the light of his countenance, nor ever visits us, save one night in the year ; when he rattles down the chimneys of the descendants of the patriarchs, confining his presents merely to the children, in token of the degeneracy of the parents. Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of a fat government. The province of tho New-Netherlands, destitute of wealth, possessed a sweet tranquillity that wealth could never purchase. There were neither public commotions, nor private quarrels ; neither parties, nor sects, nor schisms; nei- ther persecutions, nor trials, nor punishments; nor were there counsellors, attorneys, catchpolls, or hangmen. Every man Attended to what little business he was lucky enough to have, • S r> -T' 'I M HISTOBT OF KBW-TORK. ^BOOK m. or neglected it if ho pleased, without asking the opinion of his neighbour. In those days nobody meddled with concerns above his comprehension, nor thrust his nose into other people's affairs, nor neglected to correct his own conduct, and reform his own character, in his zeal to pull to pieces the characters of others ; but in a word, every respectable citizen eat when he was not hungry, drank when he was not thirsty, and went regularly to bed when the sun set and the fowls went to roost, whether he were sleepy or not; all which tended so remarkably to the population of the settlement, that I am told every dutiful wife throughout New- Amsterdam made a point of enriching her husband with at least one child a year, and very often a brace — this superabundance of good things clearly constituting the true luxury of life, acc<>ixling to the favourite Dutch maxim, that " more than enough con- stitutes a feast.** Every thing, therefore, went on exactly as it should do, and in the usual words employed by historians to express the welfare of a countrv, " the profoundest tran- quUlity and repose reigned throughout the province." CHAP. m. Maiofold are the tastes and dispositions of the enlightened literati, who turn over the pages of history. Some there be whose hearts are brimful of the yeast of courage, and whose bosoms do work, and swell, and foam with untried valour, like a barrel of new cider, or a train-band captain fresh from under the hands of his tailor. This doughty class of readers can be satisfied with nothing but bloody batthf;, and horrible encoun- ters ; they must be continually storming forts, sacking cities, springing mines,'marching up to the muzzles of cannon, charg- ing bayonet through every page, and revelling in gunpowder and carnage. Others, who are of a less martial, but equally ardent imagination, and who, withal, are a little given to the marvellous, will dwell with wondrous satisfaction on descrip- tions of prodigies, unheard-of events, hair-breadth escapes, luurdy adventures, and all those astonishing narrations which just amble along the boundary line of possibilitr. A third class, who, not to speak slightly of them, are of a ugbter turn, and skim over the records of past times, aa they do over the edifying pages of a novel, merely for relaxation and innootMt CHAP. nLj GOLDEN REION OF WOUTSR TAN TWILLRR. 87 amusementf do singularly delight in treasons, executions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, conflagrations, murders, and oil the other catalc^ue of hideous crimes, which, like cayenne in cookery, do give a pungency and flavour to the dull detail of history ; while a fourth class, of more philosophic habits, do diligently pore over the musty chronicles of time, to inves- tigate the operations of the human kind, and watch the gradual changes in men and manners, effected by the progress of know* ledge, the vicissitudes of events, or the influence of situation. If the three first classes find but little wherewithal to solace themselves in the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, I entreat them to exert their patience for a while, and bear with the tedious picture of happiness, prosperity, and peace, which my duty as a faithful historian obliges me to draw ; and I promise them that as soon as I can possibly alight upon any thing horrible, uncommon, or impossible, it shaU go hard but I will make it afford them entertainment. This being pre- mised, I turn with great complacency to the fourth class of my readers, who are men, or, if possible, women after my own heart ; grave, philosophical, and investigating ; fond of ana- lysing characters, of taking a start from first causes, and so hunting a nation down, through all the mazes of innovation and improvement. Such will naturally be anxious to witness the first development of the newly hatched colony, and the primitive manners and customs prevalent among its inhabit- ants, during the halcyon reign of Van Twiller, or the Doubter. I will not grieve their patience, however, by describing minutely the increase and improvement of New- Amsterdam. Their dwn imaginations will doubtless present to them the good burghers, like so many painstaking and persevering beavers, slowly and surely pursuing their labours-— they will behold the prosperous transformation from the mde log hut to the stately Dutch mansion, with brick front, glased win- dows, and tiled roof; from the tangled thicket to the luxuriant cabbage garden ; and from the skulking Indian to the ponder^ ous burgomaster. In a word, they wiU picture to themselves the steady, silent, and undeviating march of prosperity, inci- dent to a city destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a &t government, and whose citisens do nothing in a hurry. Thn sage council, as has been mentioned in a preceding chapter, not being able to determine upon any plan for the IraMng of their city, the cows, in a laadable fit of patriotism, a4 m m I' :(l i bious animal, delighting exceedingly to be dabbling in water —insomuch that an historian of the day gravely tells us, that many of his townswomen grew to have webbed fingers like unto a duck ; and some of them, he had little doubt, could the matter be examined into, would be found to have the tails of mermaids ; but this I look upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or, what is worse, a wilful misrepresentation. the of CHAP, m.] QOLDEH RE1QN OF WOUTBR VAN TWILLEB. 89 Tlie grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum^ where the passion for cleaning was indulged without controul. In this sacred apartment no one was permitted to enter, excepting the mistress and her confidential maid, who visited it once a-week, for the purpose of giving it a thorough cleaning, and putting things to rights ; always taking the precaution of leaving their shoes at the door, and entering devoutly on their stocking feet. After scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it with fine white sand, which was curiously stroked into angles, and curves, and rhomboids with a broom ; after washing the windows, rubbing and polishing the furniture, and putting a new bunch of evergreens in the fireplace — the window shut- ters were again closed to keep out the flies, and the room carefully locked up until the revolution of time brought round the weekly cleaning day. As to the family, they always entered in at the gate, and most generally lived in the kitchen. To have seen a nume- rous household assembled round the fire, one would have imagined that he was transported back to those happy days of primeval simplicity, which float before our imaginations like golden visions. The fireplaces were of a truly patriarchal magnitude, where the whole family, old and young, master and servant, black and white, nay, even the very cat and dog, enjoyed a community of privilege, and had each a right to a comer. Here the old burgher would sit in perfect silence, puffing his pipe, looking in the fire with half shut eyes, and thinking of nothing for hours together ; the goede vrouw, on tlie opposite side,wouldemploy herself diligently in spinning yarn, or knitting stockings. The young folks would crowd around the hearth, listening with breathless attention to some old crone of a negro, who was the oracle of the family, and who, perched like a raven in a corner of the chimney, would croak forth for a long winter afternoon a string of incredible stories about New England witches, grisly ghosts, horses without heads, and hair-breadth escapes and bloody encoun- ters among the Indians. In those happy days a well regulated family always rose with the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed at sunset. Dinner was invariably a private meal, and the fat old bui^hers showed incontestable signs of disapprobation and uneasiness at being surprised by a visit from a neighbour on such occa- sions. But though our worthy ancestors were thus singnlarly i vM 90 BISTOBT OF MEW-TOUL [BOOKm. averse to giving dinners, yet they kept up the social bands d! intima^ by occasional banquettings, called tea-parties. These fashionable parties were generally confined to the higher classes, or noblesse ; that is to say, sach as kept their own cows, aild drove their own waggons. The company com- monly assembled at three o'clock, and went away about six, unless it was in winter time, when the fashionable hours were a little earlier, that the ladies might get home before dark. The tea-table was crowned with a huge earthen dish, well stored with slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into morsels, and swimming in gravy. The company being seated round the genial board, and each furnished with a fork, evinced their dexterity in launching at the fattest pieces in this mighty dish — in much the same manner as sailors harpoon porp^Jses at sea, or our Indians spear salmon in the lakes. Sometimes the table was graced with immense apple-pies, or saucers full of preserved peaches and pears ; but it was always sure to boast an enormous dish of bdls of sweetened dough, fried in hog*B fat, and called doughnuts, or olykoeks — a delicious kind of cake, at present scarce known in this city, except in genuine Dutch families. The tea was served out of a mi^estio delf teapot, orna- mented with paintings of fat little Dutch shepherds and shep- herdesses, tending pigs, with boats sailing in the air, and houses built in the clouds, and sundry other ingenious Dutch fimtasies. The beaux distinguished themselves by their adroitness in replenishing this pot from a huge copper tea- kettle, which would have made the pigmy macaronies of these degenerate days sweat merely to look at it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump of sugar was laid beside each cup, and the company alternately nibbled and sipped with great de- corum ; until an improvement was introduced by a shrewd and economic old lady, which was to suspend a large lump directly over the tea-table by a string from the ceiling, so thai it could be swung from mouth to mouth — an ingenious ex- pedient, which is still kept up by some families in Albany, bat whidi prevails without exception in Communipaw, Bergen, Flatbush, and all our uncontaminated Dutch villages. At these primitive tea-parties the utmost propriety and dignity of deportment prevailed. No flirting nor eoquettiof —no gambling of old ladies, nor hoyden chattering and romp- ing of young ones — no self-satiKfied strutlinga of wealthy* COAT, rr.j GOLDBN RBIOK OF WOUTKR VAN TWILLBR. 91 gentlemen, with their brains in their pockets — nor amasing conceits, and monkey divertissements of smart young gentle- men, with no brains at all. On the contrary, the young ladies seated themselves demurely in their rush-bottomed chairs, and knit their own woollen stockings ; nor ever opened their lips excepting to say yah Mynheer^ or yah ya Vrouw^ to any question that was asked them ; behaving, in all things, like decent, well«educated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of them tranquilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in contem- plation of the blue and white tiles with which the fireplaces were decorated ; wherein sundry passages of Scripture were piously portrayed — Tobit and his dog figured to great ad- vantage, Haman swung conspicuously on his gibbet, and Jonah appeared most manfully bouncing out of the whale, like Harlequin through s barrel of fire. The parties broke up without noise and without confusion. They were carried home by their own carriages, that is to Bay, by the vehicles nature had provided them, excepting such of the wealthy as could afibrd to keep a waggon. The gen- tlemen gallantly attended their fair ones to their respective abodes, and took leave of them with a hearty smack at the door ; which, as it was an established piece of etiquette, done in perfect simplicity and honesty of heart, occasioned no scandal at that time, nor should it at the present If oor great-grandfathers approved of the custcmi, it would argue a great want of reverence in their descendants to say a word against it. CHAP. IV. In this dulcet period of my history, when the beanteous island of Manna-hata presented a scene, the very counterpart of those glowing pictures drawn of the golden reign of Saturn, there was, as I have before observed, a happy ignorance, an honest simplicity prevalent among its inhabitants, which, were I eren able to depict, would be but little understood by the d^nerate age for wnich I am doomed to write. Even the female sex, those arch innovators upon the tranquillity, the honesty, and grey-beard customs of society, seemed for a while to conduct Hiemaelves with incredible sobriety and comdiness. ( Their hair, nntortured by the abominations of art, was ■eropiiloasly pomatomed bade from their foreheads with a 92 BI8TOBT OF NEW-TORK. [Booxnx. candle, and covered with a little cap of quilted calico, which fitted exactly to their heads. Their petticoats of linsey-wool- sey were striped with a variety of gorgeous dyes — though I must confess these gallant garments were rather short, scarce reaching below the knee; but then they made up in the number, which generally equalled that of the gentleman's small clothes ; and, what is still more praiseworthy, they were all of their own manufacture — of which circumstance, as may well be supposed, they were not a little vain. These were the honest days, in which every woman staid at home, read the Bible, and wore pockets— ay, and that too of a goodly size, fashioned with patchwork into many curious devices, and ostentatiously worn on the outside. These, in fact, were convenient receptacles, where ail good hovaewives carefully stored away such things as they wished to have at hand, by which means they often came to be incredibly crammed ; and I remember there was a story current, when I was a boy, that the lady of Wouter Van Twiller once had occasion to empty her right pocket in search of a wooden ladle, when the contents filled a couple of corn baskets, and the utensil was discovered lying among some rubbish in one comer; but we must not give too much faith to all these stories, the anecdotes' of those remote periods being very subject to exaggeration. Besides these notable pockets, they likewise wore scissors and pincushions suspended from their girdles by red ribands, or among the more opulent and showy classes, by brass, and even silver chains, indubitable tokens of thrifty housewives and industrious spinsters. I cannot say much in vindication of the shortness of the petticoats ; it doubtless was introduced for the purpose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen, which were generally of blue worsted with magnificent red clocks; or perhaps to display a well-turned ankle, and a neat, though serviceable foot, set off by a high-heeled leathern •hoe, with a large a>id splendid silver bucUet Thus we find that the gentle sex in all ages have shown the same disposition to infringe a little upon the laws of decorum, in order to betray fl Inrkin,, beauty, or gratify an innocent love of finery. From the sketch here given, it will be seen that our good grandmothers differed considerably in their ideas of a fin^ figure from their scantily dressed descendants of the present fiay. Afin( lady, in those times, waddled under Inore clothes, OHAP. tV.] GOLDEN REIGN OF WOLTBR VAN TWILLER. 98 even on a fair summer's day, th«n would have clad the whole bevy of a modem ball-room. Nor were they the le«« admired by the gentlemen in consequence thereof. On the contrary, the greatness of a lover's passion seemed to increase in pro- portion to the magnitude of its object; and a voluminous damsel, arrayed in a dozen of petticoats, was declared by a Low Dutch sonneteer of the province to be radiant as a sun- flower, and luxuriant as a full-blown cabbage. Certain it is, that in those days the heart of a lover could not contain more than one lady at a time, whereas the heart of a modern gallant has often room enough to accommodate half a dozen. The reason of which I conclude to be, that either the hearts of the gentlemen have grown larger, or the persons of the ladies smaller; this, however, is a question for physiologists to determine. But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which, no doubt entered into the consideration of the prudent gallants. The wardrobe of a lady was in those days her only fortune ; and she who had a good stock of petticoats and stockings, was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kamschatka damsel with a store of bear-skins, or a Lapland belle with a plenty of rein» deer. The ladies, therefore, were very anxious to display these powerful attractions to the greatest advantage ; and the best rooms in the house, instead of being adorned with cari- catures of dame Nature, in water-colours and needle-work, were always hung round with abundance of homespun gar- ments, the manufacture and the property of the females ; a piece of laudable ostentation that still prevails among the heiresses of our Dutch villages. The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the circles of the gay world in these ancient times, corresponded, in most par- ticulars, with the beauteous damsels whose smiles they were ambitious to deserve. True it is, their merits would make but a very inconsiderable impression upon the heart of a modem fair ; they neither drove their curricles nor sported their tandems, for as yet those gaudy vehicles were not even dreamt of; neither did they distinguish themselves by their brilliancy at the table, and their consequent rencontres with watchmen, for our forefathers were of too pacific a disposition to need those guardians of the night, every soul throughout the town being sound asleep before nine o'clock. Neither did they establish their claims to gentility at the expense of their :.'t\ iw I 1 I* 94 BISTORT OF NEW-TORK. [book m, tailors, for aa jet those offenders against the pockets of so^ detj, and the tranquillity of all aspiring young gentlemen, were unknown in New-Amsterdam; every good housewife made the clothes of her husband and family, and even the goede vrouw of Van Twiller himself thought it no dispa- ragement to cut out her husband's linsey-woolsey galligaskins. Not but what there were some two or three youngsters who manifested the first dawning of what is called fire and spirit, who held all labour in contempt, skulked about docks and nurket-places, loitered in the sunshine, squandered what little money they could procure at hustle-cap and chuck-farthing ; swore, boxed, fought cocks, and raced their neighbour's horses ; in short, who promised to be the wonder, the talk, and abomination of the town, had not their stylish career been unfortunately cut short by an affair of honour with a whip- ping-post. If ar other, however, was the truly fashionable gentleman of those days; his dress, which served for both morning and evening, street and drawing-room, was a linsey-woolsey coat, made, perhaps, by the fair hands of the mistress of his affections, and gallantly bedecked with abundance of large brass buttons — half a score of breeches heightened the pro- portions of his figure — his shoes were decorated by enormous copper buckles — alow-crowned, broad-brimmed hat over- shadowed his burly visage, and his hair dangled down his back in a prodigious queue of eelskin. Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth with pipe in mouth to besiege some fair damsel's obdurate heart — not such a pipe, good reader, as that which Acis did sweetly tune in praise of his Gahitea, but one of true delf manufacture, and furnished with a charge of fragrant tobacco. With this would he resolutely set himself down before the fortress, and rarely failed, in the process of time, to smoke the fair enemy into a surrender upon honourable terms. Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, cele- brated in many a long forgotten song as the real golden age, the rest being nothing but counterfeit copper-washed coin. In that delightful period, a sweet and holy calm reigned over the whole province. The burgomaster smoked his pipe in peace ; the substantial solace of his domestic cares, ailter her daily toils were done, sat soberly at the door, with her orms eroMed over her aproa of snowy white, without beiag insulted CHAP, v.] GOLDEN BKIGN OF WOUTKB VAK TWILLER. 95 bj ribald street-walkers or vagabond boys — those unlucky urchins, who do so infest our streets, displaying under the roses of youth the thorns and briars of iniquity. Then it was that the lover with ten breeches, and the damsel with petti« coats of half a score, indulged in all the innocent endearments of virtuous love without fear and without reproach } for what had that virtue to fear, which was defended by a shield of good linsey-woolseys, equal at least to the seven bull-hides of the invincible Ajax? Ah I blissful, and never to be forgotten age ! when every thing was better than it has ever been since, or ever will bo again — when Buttermilk Channel was quite dry at low water — when the shad in the Hudson were all salmon, and when the moon shone with a pure and resplendent whiteness, instead of that melancholy yellow light which is the consequence of her sickening at the abominations she every night witnesses in this degenerate city I Happy would it have been for New- Amsterdam could it always have existed in this state of blissful ignorance and lowly simplicity ; but, alas ! the days of childhood are too sweet to last Cities, like men, grow out of them in time, and are doomed alike ^4> grow into the bustle, the cares, and miseries of the world. Let no man congratulate himself, when he beholds the child of his bosom, or the city of his birth, in- creasing in magnitude and impoi ance *, let the history of his own life teach him the dangers of the one, and this excellent little history of Manna-hata convince him of the calamities of the other. I I \W CHAP. V. It has already been mentioned that, in the early times of Oloffe the Dreamer, a frontier post, or trading-house, called Fort Aurania, had been cstabliHlied on the upper waters of the Hudson, precisely on the site of the present venerable city of Albany, which was at that time considered at tiie very end of the habitable world. It was, indeed, a remote posMes-sion, with which, for a long time, New-Amsterdam held but little. intercourse. Now and then the " Compnny's Yacht," as it won called, was sent to the Fort with suppliei*, and to bring awuy the peltries which had been purchased of the Indianx. It was like an expedition to the Indias, or the North Pole, and always 5 f i\ !j 96 mSTOBY OP NEW-TOBK. [book m. made great talk in the settlement. Sometimes an adventurous burgher would accompany the expedition, to the great un- easiness of his friends ; but, on his return, had so many stories to tell of storms and tempests on the Tappan Zee ; of hob- goblins in the Highlands and at the Devil's Dans Kammer ; and of all the other wonders and perils with which the river abounded in those early days, that he deterred the less adven- turous inhabitants from following his example. Matters were in this state, when, one day, as Walter the Doubter and his burgermeesters were smoking and pondering over the affairs of the province, they were roused by the report of a cannon. Sallying forth, they beheld a strange vessel at anchor in the bay ; it was unquestionably of Dutch build, broad bottomed and high pooped, and bore the flag of their High Mightinesses at the mast-head. After a while a boat put off for land, and a stranger stepped on shore, a lofty, lordly kind of man, tall and dry, with a meagre face, furnished with huge moustachios. He was clad in Flemish doublet and hose, and an insufferably tall hat, with a cocktail feather. Such was the patroon Killian Van Ren- sellaer, who had come out from Holland to found a colony or patroonship on a great tract of wild land, granted to him by their High Mightinesses the Lords States General, in the upper regions of the Hudson. killian Van Rensellaer was a nine days* wonder in Xew- Amsterdam, for he carried a high head, looked down upon the portly, short-legged burgomasters, and owned no allegiance to the governor himself; boasting that he held his patroon- ship directly from the Lords States General. He tarried but a short time in New-Amsterdam, merely to beat up recruits for his colony. Few, however, ventured to enlist for tliose remote and savage regions ; and when they embarked, their friends took leave of them as if they should never see them more ; and stood gazing with tearful eye as the stout, round-sterned little vessel ploughed and sploi^hed its way up the Hudson, witii great noise and little progress, taking nearly a day to get out of sight of the city. And now, from time to time, floated down tidings to the Manhattoes of the growing importance of this new colony. Kvery account represented Killian Van Rensellaer as rising in importance and becoming a mighty pntroon in the land, lie had received more recruits from IloUaud. His patroon* CHAP. VL] golden REION OF WOUTEH VAN TWILLER. 97 •hip of RenselUerwick lay immediateljr below Fort Anrania, and extended for several miles on each aide of the Hudson, beside embracing the mountainous region of the Helderberg. Over all this he claimed to hold separate jurisdiction inde- pendent of the colonial authorities at New-Amsterdam. All these assumptions of authority were duly reported to Governor Van Twiller and his council, by dispatches fromi Fort Aurania ; at each new report the governor and his counsellors looked at each other, raised their eyebrows, gave an extra puff or two of smoke, and then relapsed into their OSHal tranquillity. At length tidings came that the pntroon of Rensellaerwick had extended his usurpations along the river, beyond the limits granted him by their High Mightinesses; and that he had even seized upon a rocky island in the Hudson, commonly known by the name of Beem or Bear's Island ; where he was erecting a fortress, to be called by the lordly name of Rensellaersteen. Wouter Van Twiller was roused by this intelligence* After consulting with his burgomasters, he dispatched a letter to the patroon of Rensellaerwick, demanding by what right he had seized upon this island, which lay beyond the bounds of his patroonship. The answer of Killian Van Rensellaer was in his own lordly style, **By wapen rechtl** that is to say, by the right of arms, or in common parlance, by club- hw. This answer plunged the worthy Wouter in one of the deepest doubts he had in the whole course of his adminis- tration ; in the meantime, while Wouter doubted, the lordly Killian went on to finish his fortress of Rensellaersteen, about which I foresee I shall have something to record in a future chapter of this most eventful history. CHAP. VI. In the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and four, on a fine afternoon in the glowing month of September, I took my customary walk upon the battery, which is at once the pride and bulwarkof this ancient and impregnable city of New- York. The ground on which I trod was nallowed by recollections of the past, and as I slowly wandered through the long alley of poplars, which, like so many birch brooms standing on end, diffosed a melancholy and lugubrious shade, my imagination 98 HISTORY OF KEW-TOBK. [bOOK IH. drew a contrast between the surrounding scenery, and what it was in the classic days of our forefathers. Where the go- vernment house by name, but the custom house by occupation, proudly reared its brick wall<} and wooden pillars, there whilom stood the low, but substantial, red-tiled mansion of the re- nowned Wouter Van Twiller. Around it the mighty bul- warks of Fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to every absent foe ; but, like many a whiskered warrior and gallant militia captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns alone. The mud breastworks had long been levelled with the earth, and their site converted into the green lawns and leafy alleys of the battery, where the gay apprentice sported his Sunday coat, and the laborious mechanic, relieved from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured his weekly tale of love into the half-averted ear of the sentimental chambermaid. The ca- pacious bay still presented the same expansive sheet of water, studded with islands, sprinkled with fishing boats, and bounded by shores of picturesque beauty. But the dark forests which once clothed those shores had been violated by the savage hand of cultivation, and their tangled mazes, and impene- trable thickets, had degenerated into teeming orchards and waving fields of grain. Even Governor's Island, once a smiling garden, appertaining to the sovereigns of the province, was now covered with fortifications, inclosing a tremendous block'house; so that this once peaceful island resembled a fierce little warrior in a big cocked hat, breathing gunpowder and defiance to the world ! For some time did I indulge in a pensive train of thought, contrasting in sober sadness the present day with the hallowed years behind the mountains, lamenting the melancholy pro- gress of improvement, and praising the zeal with which our worthy burghers endeavour to preserve the wrecks of vene- rable customs, prejudices, and errors, from the overwhelm- ing tide of modern innovation ; when, by degrees, my ideas took a different turn, and I insensibly awakened to an enjoy- ment of the beauties around me. It was one of those rich autumnal davs, which heaven par- ticularly bestows upon the beauteous island of Ifanna-hata and its vicinity ; not a floating cloud obscured the asure fir- mament ; the sun rolling in glorious splendour through hia ethereal course, seemed to expand his honest Dutch ooun- teiMnce into an wiosual expression of beneyolenoe» as 1m >K m. what ae go- Mition, rhilom he re- y bnl- absent militia Th« th, and leys of Sunday irt and nto the Che ca- ■ water, lounded a which savage impene- rda and once a rovince, lendous nbled a ipowder ;hougbt, allowed oly pro- lich our )f vene- rwhelm- oy ideas n eiyoy- ven par- ana4)ata aure fir- >ttgh hia ih ooun- as he CHAP, yi.] GOLDEN BBION OP WOUTEB VAN TW1LLKR. 99 smiled his evening salutation upon a city which he delights to visit with his most bounteous beams ; the very winds seemed to hold in their breaths in mute attention, lest they should ruffle the tranquillity of the hour ; and the wavele&s bosom of the bay presented a polished mirror, in which nature beheld herself and smiled. The standard of our city, reserved like a choice handkerchief for days of gnla, hung motionless on the flag-staff, which forms the handle of a gigantic churn ; and even the tremulous leaves of the poplar and the aspen ceased to vibrate to the breath of heaven. Every thing seemed t' acquiesce in the profound repose of nature. The formidable eighteen-pounders slept in the em- brazures of the wooden batteries, seemingly gathering fresh strength to fight the battleh of their country, on the next fourth of July; the solitary drum on Governor's Island forgot to call the garrison to their shovels ; the evening gun had not yet sounded its signal for all the regular well, meaning poultry throughout the country to go to roost ; and the fleet of canoes at anchor between Gibbet Island and Communipaw slumbered on their rakes, and suffered the in- nocent oysters to lie for a while unmolested in the soft mud of their native banks. My own feelings sympathised with the contagious tranquillity, and I should infallibly have dozed upon one of those fragments of benches, which our be- nevolent magistrates have provided for the benefit of conva- lescent loungers, had not the extraordinary inconvenience of the couch set all repose at defiance. In the midst of this slumber of the soul, my attention was Attracted to a black speck, peering above the western horizon, just in the rear of Bergen steeple ; gradually it augments and overhangs the would-be cities of Jersey, Harsimus, and Hoboken, which, like three jockeys, are starting on the course of existence, and jostling each other at the commencement of the race. Now it skirts the long shore of ancient Pavonia, apreadinff its wide shadows from the high settlements of Weehawk quite to the lazaretto and quarantine, erected by the sagacity of our police for the embarrassment of commerce ; now it climbs the serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling over doad, shrouding the orb of day, daricening the vast ex- panae, and bearing thunder, and hail, and tempest, in its boaom. The earth seems agitated at the confusion of tht hMTeiM— the late waveleaa mirror is lashed into furiouf ■ a n i ' i \n ( 100 HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. [bOOK HI. waves, that roll in hollow murmurs to the shore — the oyster boats that erst sported in the placid vicinity of Gibbet Island, now hurry affrighted to the land — the poplar writhes, and twists, and whistles in the blast — torrents of drenching rain and sounding hail deluge the battery walks — the gates are thronged by apprentices, servant-maids, and little French- men, with pocket-handkerchiefs over their hats, scampering from the storm — the late beauteous prospect presents one scene of annrchy and wild uproar, as though old Chaos had resumed his' reign, and was hurling back into one vast tur- moil, the conflicting elements of nature. Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained boldly at my post, as our gallant train-band captains, who march their soldiers through the rain without flinching, are points which I leave to the conjecture of the reader. It is possible he may be a little perplexed also to know the reason why I introduced this tremendous tempest to disturb the serenity of my work. On this latter point I will gratuitously instruct his ignorance. The panorama view of the battery Was given merely to gratify the reader with a correct de- scription of that celebrated place, and the parts adjacent ; secondly, the storm was played off partly to give a little bustle and life to this tranquil part of my work, and to keep my drowsy readers from falling asleep, and partly to serve as an overture to the tempestuous times \vhich are about to assail the pacific province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and which overhang the slumbrous administration of the renowned "Wouter Van Twiller. It is thus the experienced playwright puts all the fiddles, the French-horns, the kettle-drums, and trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, to usher in one of those horrible and brimstone uproars called Melodrames; and it is thus he discharges his thunder, his lightning, his rosin, and saltpetre, preparatory to the rising of a ghost, or the mur- dering of a hero. We will now proceed with our history. Whatever mav be advanced by philosophers to the con- trary, I ara of opinion that, as to nations, the old max*'^. that "honesty is the best policy,** is a sheer and ruinou. -i intake. It might have answered well enough in the honest times when it was made ; but, in these degenerate days, if a nation pretends to rely merely upon the justice of its dealings, it will fare something like the honest man who fell among thieves, and found his honesty a poor protection against bid )0K m. oyster [sland, >8, and ig rain tea are 'rench- ipering fits one IDS had St tur- mained 18, who ng, are . It is s reason urb the uitously battery •ect de- ijacent ; a little to keep to serve about to id which inowned lywright ims, and n one of nes; and lis rosin, the mur- story. the con- x»*n. that njbtake. ?st times a nation salings, it 11 among 'ainst bid CBAP. yn.] GOLDEN BEIGN OP WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 101 company. Such, at least, was the case with the guileless government of the New-Netherlands ; which, like a worthy, unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled itself down in the cityof New* Amsterdam as into a snug elbow chair, and fell into a comfoi'table nap, while, in the meantime, its cunning neigh- bours stepped in and picked its pockets. In a word, we may ascribe the commencement of all the woes of this great pro- vince, and its magnificent metropolis, to the tranquil security, or, to speak more accurately, to the unfortunate honesty of its government. But as I dislike to begin an important part of my history towards the end of a chapter ; and as my readers, like myself, must doubtless be exceedingly fatigued with the long walk we have taken, and the tempest we have sustained, I hold it meet we shut up the book, smoke a pipe, and having thus refreshed our spirits, take a fair start in a new chapter. CHAP. VII. That my readers may the more fully comprehend the extent of the calamity, at this very moment impending over the honest, unsuspecting province of Nieuw Nederlandts and its dubious governor, it is necessary that I should give some account of a horde of strange barbarians bordering upon the eastern frontier. Now so it came to pass, that many years previous to the time of which we are treating, the sage cabinet of England bad adopted a certain national creed, a kind of public walk of faith, or rather a religious turnpike, in which every loyal subject was directed to travel to Zion, taking care to pay the toU'gatherers by the way. Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being very much ffiven to indulge their own opinions on all manner of subjects (a propensity exceedingly offensive to your free governments of Europe), did most presumptuously dare to think for them- selves in matters of religion, exercising what they considered a natural and unextinguishable right — the libertyof conscience. As, however, they possessed that ingenuous habit of mind, which always thinks aloud — which rides cock-a*hoop on the tongue, and is for ever galloping into other people's ears, it naturally followed that their liberty of conscience likewise implied liberty of tpeeckf which being freely induioed, soon ■ 3 '' M [li 102 UISTORT OF MEW*TORK. [book m. put the countrj in a hubbub, and aroused the pious indig- nation of the vigilant fathers of the Church. The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, which in those days were considered efficacious in bringing back stray sheep to the fold ; that is to say, they were coaxed, they were admonished, they were menaced, they were buffeted — line upon line, precept upon precept, lash upon lash, here a little and there a great deal, were exhausted without mercy, and without success ; until the worthy pastors of the Church, wearied out by their unparalleled stubbornness, were driven in the excess of their tender mercy to adopt the Scripture text, and literally to " heap live embers on their heads." Nothing, however, could subdue that independence of the tongue which has ever distinguished this singular race, so that, rather than subject that heroic member to further tyranny, they one and all embarked for the wilderness of America, to enjoy, unmolested, the inestimable right of talk- ing. And, in fact, no sooner did they land upon the shore of this free-spoken country, than they all lifted up their voices, and made such a clamour of tongues, that we are told they frightened every bird and beast out of the neighbourhood, and struck such mute terror into certain fish, that they have been called dumb-fi$h ever since. This may appear marvellous, but it is nevertheless true ; in proof of which I would observe, that the dumb-fish has ever since become an object of superstitious reverence, and forms the Saturday's dinner of every true Yankee. The simple aborigines of the land for a while contemplated these strange folk in utter astonishment, but discovering that they wielded harmless, though noisy weapons, and were a lively, ingenious, good-humoured race of men, they became very friendly and sociable, and gave them the name of Yano- kieSf which in the Mais-Tchusaeg (or Massachusett) lan- guage signifies siUnt men — a waggish appellation, since shortened into the familiar epithet of Yankees, which they retain unto the present day. True it is, and my fidelity as a historian will not allow ma to pass over the fact, that having served a regular appren- ticeship in the school of persecution, these ingenious people soon showed that they had become masters of the art The great miyority were of one particular mode of thinking in matters of religion ; but, to their great surprise and indignft- ( I OKm. indig- which kstny ly were — line a little cy, and )hurch, ivcnin re text, B of the race, so further ■nesa of of talk- ie shore ip their are told mrhood, ey have true ; in las ever id forms mplated ing that were a became »f Yano- tt) lan- sinoe ich they ,Uow me appren- people t. The iking in indigna- CHAP. Vn. J GOLOKM BBIQIT OF VTOUTBR VAN TWILLER. 108 tion,they found that divers Papists, Quakers, and Anabaptists were springing up among them, and all claiming to use the liberty of speech. This was at once pronounced a daring abuse of the liberty of conscience, which they now insisted was nothing more than the liberty to think as one pleased in matters of religion, provided one thought right ; for other- wise it would be giving a latitude to damnable heresies. Now as they, the majority, were convinced that they alone thought right, it consequently followed that whoever thought different from them thought wrong ; and whoever thought wrong, and obstinately persisted in not being convinced and converted, was a flagrant violator of the inestimable liberty of conscience, and a corrupt and infectious member of the body politic, and deserved to be loppeil off and cast into the fire. The consequence of all which was a fiery persecution of divers sects, and especially of Quakers. Now 111 warrant there are hosts of my readers ready at once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that virtuous in- dignation with which we contemplate the faults and errors of our neighbours, and to exclaim at the preposterous idea of convincing the mind by tormenting the body, and establish- ing the doctrine of charity and forbearance by intolerant per- secution. But, in simple truth, what are we doing at this very day, and in this very enlightened nation, but acting upon the very same principle in our political controversies ? Have we not, within but a few years, released ourselves from the shackles of a government which cruelly denied us the privilege of governing ourselves, and using in full latitude that invaluable member, the tongue ? and are we not at thitf very moment striving our best to tyrannise over the opinions, tie up the tongues, and ruin the fortunes of one another ? What are our great political societies, but mere political in- quisitions — our pot-house committees, but little tribunals of denunciation — our newspapers, but mere whipping-posts and pillories, where unfortunate individuals are pelted with rotten eggs — and our council of appointment, but a grand autO'dO'/e, where culprits are annually sacrificed for their political heresies ? Where then is the difference in principle between our mea- sures and those you are so ready to condemn among the people I am treating of ? There is none ; the difference is merely circumstantial. Thus we denounce, instead of banishing — we Ubelf instead of scourging — we turn out of office, instead H A M ( ■ 104 niSTORT OF NEW-TOBK. [bookox. of hanging— and where they burnt an offender in proper person, we either tar and feather, or bum him in effigy—. this political persecution being, somehow or other, the grand palladium of our liberties, and an incontroTertible proof that this is a free country ! But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this holy war was prosecuted against the whole race of unbelievers, we do not find that the population of this new colony was in anywise hindered thereby; on the contrary, they multiplied to a degree which would be incredible to any man unacquainted with the marvellous fecundity of this growing country. This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly ascribed to a singular custom prevalent among them, commonly known by the name of bundling — a superstitious rite observed by the young people of both sexes, with which they usually t<$p> minated their festivities, and which was kept up with reli- gious strictness by the more bigoted part of the community. This ceremony was likewise, in those primitive times, con- sidered as an indispensable preliminary to matrimony, their courtships commencing where ours usually finish; by which means they acquired that intimate acquair trance with each others' good qualities before marriage, which has been pro- nounced by philosophers the sure basis of a happy union. Thus early did this cunning and ingenious people display a shrewdness of making a bargain which has ever since dis- tinguished them, and a strict adherence to the good old vulgar maxim about *' buying a pig in a poke." To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly attribute the unparalleled increase of the Yanokie or Yankee race ; for it is a certain fact, well authenticated by court records and parish registers, that wherever the practice of bundling prevailed, there was an amazing number of sturdy brats an- nually born unto the state, without the license of the law, or the benefit of clergy. Neither did the irregularity of their birth operate in the least to their disparagement. On the contrary, they grew up a long-sided, raw-boned, hardy race of whoreson whalers, wood-cutters, fishermen, and pedlars, and strapping corn-fed wenches, who, by their united efforts, tended marvellously towards peopling those notable tracts of country called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod. CHAP. Vm.] GOLDEN BEIGN OF WOUTER TAN TWILLKR. 105 CHAP. VIII. In the last chapter I have given a faithful and unprejudiced account of the origin of that singular race of people, inhabiting the country eastward of the Nieuw-Nederlandts, but I have yet to mention certain peculiar habits which rendered them exceedingly annoying to our ever-honoured Dutch ancestors. The most prominent of these was a certain rambling pro- pensity, with which, like the sons of Ishmael, they seem to have been gifted by heaven, and which continually goads them on to shift their residence from place to place, so that a Yan- kee farmer is in a constant state of migration, tarrying oc- casionally here and there, clearing lands for other people to enjoy, building houses for others to inhabit, and in a manner may be considered the wandering Arab of America. His first thought, on coming to the years of manhood, is to tettle himself in the world — which means nothing more nor less than to begin his rambles. To this end he takes unto himself for a wife some buxom country heiress, passing rich in red ribands, glass beads, and mock tortoise-shell combs, with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, and deeply skilled in the mystery of making apple sweatmeats, long sauce, and pumpkin pie. Having thus provided himself, like a pedlar, with a heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders through the journey of life, he literally sets out on the peregrination. His whole family, household furniture, and farming utensils are hoisted into a covered cart ; his own and his wife's ward- robe packed up in a firkin ; which done, he shoulders his axe, takes staff in hand, whistles ** Yankee doodle," and trudges off to the woods, as confident of the protection of Providence, and relying as cheerfully upon his own resources, as did ever a patriarch of yore, when he journeyed into a strange country of the Gentiles. Having buried himself in the wilderness, he builds himself a log hut, clears away a corn field and po- tato patch, and Providence smiling upon his labours, is soon surrounded by a snug farm and some half a score of flaxen, headed urchins, who, by their size, seem to have sprung all at once out of the earth, like a crop of toadstools. But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable of specu* lators to rest contented with any state of sublunary enjoy* (.1 :)1 \n i'\ \ (I- / i' ii: I 106 mnoBT of mew-tork. [book m. ment ; improvement is his darling passion, and having thus improved his lands, the next care is to provide a mansion worthy the residence of a landholder. A huge palace of pine boards immediately springs up in the midst of the wilderness, large enough for n parish church, and furnished with win- dows of all dimensions, but so ricketty and flimsy withal, that every blast gives it a fit of the ague. By the time the outside of this mighty air castle is com* pleted, either the funds or the zeal of our adventurer are ex- hausted, so that he barely manages to half finish one room within, where the whole family burrow together, while the rest of the house is devoted to the curing of pumpkins, or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is decorated with fanci- ' ful festoons of dried apples and peaches. The outside^ re- maining unpainted, grows venerably black with time ; the family wardrobe is laid under contribution for old hats, pet- ticoats, and breeches, to stuff into the broken windows, while the four winds of heaven keep up a whistling and howling about this aerial palace, and play as many unruly gambols as they did of yore in the cave of old Mohaa. The humble log hut, which whilome nestled this improving family snugly within its narrow but comfortable walls, stands hard by, in ignominious contrast, degraded into a cow-housa or pig-sty ; and the whole scene reminds one forcibly of a fable, which I am surprised has never been recorded, of an aspiring snail, who abandoned his humble habitation, whiofaf he had long filled with great respectability, to crawl into the empty shell of a lobster, where he would no doubt have re- sided with great style and splendour, the envy and the hate of all the painstaking snails in the neighbourhood, had he not perished with cold in one corner of his stupendous mansion. Being thus completely settled, and, to use his own words,, '' to rights," one would imagine that he would begin to enjoy the comforts of his situation, to read newspapers, talk poli- tics, neglect his own business, and attend to the affairs o£ the nation like a useful and patriotic citizen ; but now it ia that his wayward disposition begins again to operate. He soon grows tired of a spot where there is no longer any room for improvement — sells his farm, air castle, petticoat win-^ dows and all, reloads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himseli' At the head of his family, and wanders away in search of new lands — again to fell trees — again to clear cornfields — again to build a shingle palace, and again to sell off and wander. CHAP. Vin.J OOLDXN BKION OF WOUTBR VAN TWILLKR. 107 Such were the people of Connecticut, who bordered upon the eastern frontier of Nieuw>Nederlandt8, and ray readers may easily imagine what uncomfortable neighbours this light- hearted but restless tribe must have been to our tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I would asic them if they have ever known one of our regular, well-organised Dutch families, whom it hath pleased heaven to afflict with the neighbour- hood of a French boarding-house ? The honest old burgher oannot take his afternoon's pipe on the bench before his door but he is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, the chatter- ing of women, and the squalling of children ; he cannot sleep at night for the horrible melodies of some amateur, who ohooses to serenade the moon, and display his terrible pro- ficiency in execution on the clarionet, hautboy, or some other soft-toned instmment ; nor can he leave the street door open, but his house is defiled by the unsavoury visits of a troop of pap dogs, who even sometimes carry their loathsome ravages into the sanctum sanctorum, the parlour I If my readers have ever witnessed the sufierings of such a family, so situated, they may form some idea how our worthy ancestors were distressed by their mercurial neighbours of Connecticut. G^ngs of these marauders, we are told, penetrated into the New-Netherland settlements, and threw whole villages into consternation by their unparalleled volubility, and their in- tolerable inquisitiveness — two evil habits hitherto unknown in those parts, or only known to be abhorred ; for our an- cestors were noted as being men of truly Spartan taciturnity, and who neither knew nor cared aught about any body's con- cerns but their own. Many enormities were committed on the highways, where several unoffending burghers were brought to a stand, and tortured with questions and guesses, which outrages occasioned as much vexation and heart-burn- ing as does the modem right of search on the high seas. Great jealousy did they likewise stir up by their inter- meddling and successes among the divine sex, for being a race of brisk, likely, pleasant-tongued varlets, they soon se- duced the light afiections of the simple damsels from their ponderous Dutch gallants. Among other hideous customs, they attempted to introduce among them that of bvmdUng, which the Dutch lasses of the Nederlandts, with that eager passion for novelty and foreign fashions natural to their sex, >i: 108 HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. [oOOK lU. seemed very well inclined to follow, but that their mothers, being more experienced in the world, and better acquainted with men and things, strenuously discountenanced all such outlandish innovations. But what chiefly operated to embroil our ancestors with these strange folk, was an unwarrantable liberty which they occasionally took of entering in hordes into the territories of the New-Netherlands, and settling themselves down, without leave or license, to improve the land in the manner I have before noticed. This unceremonious mode of taking pos- session of new land was technically termed squatting, and hence is derived the appellation of squatters; a name odious in the ears of all great landholders, and which is given to those enterprising worthies who seize upon land first, and take their chance to make good their title to it afterwards. All these grievances, and many others which were con- stantly accumulating, tended to form that dark and portentous cloud which, as I observed in a former chapter, was slowly gathering over the tranquil province of New-Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of Van T wilier, however, as will be per- ceived in the sequel, bore them all with a magnanimity that redounds to their immortal credit, becoming by passive en- durance inured to this increasing mass of wrongs ; like that mighty man of old, who by dint of carrying about a calf from the time it was born, continued to carry it without difficulty when it had grown to be an ox. CHAP. IX. Bt this time my readers must fully perceive wh^t an ardnout task I have undertaken — exploring a little kik.a of Herou- laneumof history, which had lain nearly for ages buried under the rubbish of years, and almost totally forgotten ; raking up the limbs and fragments of disjointed facts, and endea- vouring to put them scrupulously together, so as to restore them to their original form and connection ; now lugging forth the character of an almost forgotten hero, like a muti- lated statue ; now deciphering a half defaced inscription, and now lighting upon a mouldering manuscript, which, aiW painful study, scarce repays the trouble of perusal. CHAP. IX.] GOLDEN REIGX OF WOUTER VAX TWILLEU. 109 In such case how much has the reader to depend upon the honour and probity of his author, lest, like a cunning anti- quarian, he either impose upon him some spurious fabrication of his own, for a precious relic from antiquity ; or else dress up the dismembered fragment with such false trappings, thnt it is scarcely possible to distinguish the truth from the firtion with which it is enveloped. This is a grievance which I have more than once had to lament, in the course of my wearisome researches among the works of my fellow his- torians, who have strangely disguised and distorted the facts respecting this country, and particularly respecting the great province of New-Netherlands, as will bo perceived by any who will take the trouble to compare their romantic etl'u- eions, tricked out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with this authentic history. I have had more vexations of the kind to encounter, in those parts of my history which treat of the transactions on the eastern border than in any other, in consequence of the troops of historians who have infested those quarters, and have shown the honest people of Nicuw-Nederlandts no mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. Benjamin TrumbuU arrogantly declares that '* the Dutch were always mere in- truders." Now to this I shall make no other reply than to proceed in the steady narration of my history, which will contain not only proofs that the Dutch had clear title and possession in the fair valleys of the Connecticut, and that they were wrongfully dispossessed thereof, but, likewise, that they have been scandalously maltreated ever since by the misrepresentations of the crafty historians of New-England. And in this I shall be gtiided by a spirit of truth and impar- tiality, and a regard to immortal fame; for I would not wittingly dishonour my work by a single falsehood, misre- presentation, or prejudice, though it should gain our fore- fathers the whole country of New-England. I have already noticed, in a former chapter of my history, that the territories of the Nieuw-Nederlandts extended on the east quite to the Varsche, or Fresh, or Connecticut river. Here, at an early period, had been established a frontier post on the bank of the river, and called Fort Goed Hoop, not far from the site of the present fair city of Hartford. It was placed under the command of Jacobus Van Curlet, or CurliSi M some historians will have it, a doughty soldier, of that sto* m 1 10 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK UL machful class famous for eating all they kill. He was long in the body and short in the limb, as though a tall man's body had been mounted on a little man's legs. He made up for this turnspit construction by striding to such an extent, that you would have sworn he had on the seven-leagued boots of Jack the Giant-Killer ; and so high did he tread on parade, that his soldiers were sometimes alarmed lest he should trample himself under foot. But notwithstanding the erection of this fort, and the ap- pointment of this ugly little man of war as commander, the Yankees continued the interlopings hinted at in my last chapter, and at length had the audacity to tquat themselves down within the jurisdiction of Fort Goed Hoop. The long-bodied Van Curlet protested with great spirit against these unwarrantable encroachments, couching his J protest in Low Dutch by way of inspiring more terror, and brthwith dispatched a copy of the protest to the governor at New- Amsterdam, together with a long and bitter account of the aggressions of the enemy. This done,' he ordered his men, one and all, to be of good cheer, shut the gate of the fort, smoked three pipes, went to bed, and awaited the result with a resolute and intrepid tranquillity, that greatly ani- mated his adherents, and, no doubt, struck sore dismay and affright into the hearts of the enemy. Now it came to pass that, about this time, the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and bono jrs, and council dinners, had reached that period of life and faculty which, according to the great Gulliver, entitles a man to admission into the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He employed his time in smoking his Turkish pipe amid an assemblage of sages equally enlightened, and nearly as venerable, as him- BeDf, and who, for their silence, their gravity, their wisdom, Mid their cautiour averseness to coming to any conclusion in business, are only to be equalled by certain profound corpo- rations which I have known in my time. Upon reading the protest of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, therefore, His Excellency fell straightway into one of the deepest doubts that ever he was known to encounter; his capacious head graduallr drooped on his chest, he closed his eyes, and in- «Uned hii ear to one side, as if listening with great Attention to the discussion that was soing on in his beUy, and which dl who knew him declared to be the huge oo* t-house or e ap- ', the ' last lolves CHAP. IX.] GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER VAN TWILLF.K. 1 1 1 coancil-chamber of his thoughts, forming to hia licad what the house of representatives does to the senate. An inarti- culate sound, very much resembling a snore, occatldien^ in the set on ngthe eaten 1 at the I in the CHAP. IV.] WnUAX THB TB8TT. ItS Bwore that hewonld have nothing more to do with lueh a squat- ting, bundling, guessing, questioning, swiping, pumpkin* eating, moUraes-daubing, shingleniplitting, cider-watering, horse-jockeying, notion-peddling crew-— that they might stay at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before he would dirty his hands by attempting to drive them away ; in proof of which he ordered the new-raised troops to be marched forthwith into winter quarters, although it was not as yet quite midsummer. Great despondency now fell upon the city of New- Amsterdam. It was feaJred that the conquerors of Fort Qoed Hoop» flushed with victory and apple-brandy, might march on to the capital, take it by storm, and annex the whole proyince to Connecticut. The name of Yankee became as terrible among the Nieuw- Kederlanders as was that of Graul among the ancient Romans ; insomuch that the good wives of the Manhattoes used it as a bugbear wherewith to frighten their unruly children. Every body clamoured around the governor, imploring him to put the city in a complete posture of defence, and he listened to their clamours. Nobody could accuse William the Testy of being idle in time of danger, or at any other time. He was never idle, but then he was often busy to very little purpose. When a youngling he had been impressed with the words of Solomon, '' Gro vc the act, thou sluggard, ob- serve her winrs and be wise," in conformity to which he had ever been of a restless, ant-like turn ; hurrying hither and thither, nobody knew why or wherefore, busying himself •bout small matters with an air of great importance and anxiety, and toiling at a grain of mustard-seed in the full conviction that he was moving a mountain. In the present instance, he called in all his inventive powers to his aid, and was continually pondering over plans, making diagrams, and worrying about with a troop of workmen and projectors at his heels. At length, after a world of consultation and con- trivance, his plans of defence ended in rearing a great flag- •taff in the centre of the fort, and perching a wind-mill on each bastion. These warlike preparations in some measure allayed the public alarm, especially after an additional means of securing the salety of the city had been suggested by the governor's lady. It has already been hinted in this roost authentic history, that in the domestic establishment of William the Testy "the grey mare was the better horse;" in other 1S4 BISTORT or NEW-TORK. [bookit. I wordi^ that hii wife " ruled the roast," and, in goveming the governor, governed the province, which might thus be said to be under petticoat government. Mow it came to pass, that about this time there lived in the Manhattoes a joUj, robustious trumpeter, named Anthony Van Corlear, famous for his long wind ; and who, as the story goes, could twang so potently upon his instrument, that the effect upon all within hearing was like that ascribed to the Scotch bagpipe when it sings right lustily i' the nose. This sounder of brass was moreover a lusty bachelor, with a pleasant, burly visage, a long nose, and huge whiskers. He had his little bowery, or retreat in the country, where he led a roystering life, giving dances to the wives and daughters of the burghers of the Manhattoes, insomuch that he became a {trodigious favourite with all the women, young and old. He 8 said to have been the first to collect that famous toll levied on the fair sex at Kissing Bridge, on the highway to Hell-gate.* To this sturdy bachelor the eyes of all the women were turned in this time of darkness and peril, as the very man to second and carry out the plans of defence of the governor. A kind of petticoat council was forthwith held at the govern- ment house, at which the governor's lady presided ; and this lady, as has been hinted, being all potent with the governor, the result of these councils was the elevation of Anthony the Trumpeter to the post of commandant of wind-mills and champion of New-Amsterdam. The city being thus fortified and garrisoned, it would have done one's heart good to see the governor snapping his fingers and lidgetting with delight, as the trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts twanging defiance to the whole Yankee race, as does a modem editor to all the principalities and powers on the other side of the Atlantic. In the hands of Anthony Van Corlear this windy instrument appeared to him as potent as the horn of the palaiHn Astolpho, or even the more classic horn of Alecto ; nay, he had almost the temerity to compare it with the rams' horns celebrated in holy writ, at Che verv sound of which the walls of Jericho fell down. Be all this as it may, the apprehensions of hostilities from * The bridge here mentioned by Mr. Knickerbocker still exists i but it b said that the full is aeldom collected now-a-dnyi excepting on ekighing paitiee, br the descendanu of the patriorchi, who still preserve the tradi- tions of the citj. CHAP, v.] WILUAM THB TK8TT. 125 the east gradually died away. The Yankees made no further invasion ; naj, they declared they had only taken possession of Fort Goed Hoop as being erected within their territories. So far from manifesting hostility, they continued to throng to New-Amsterdam with the most innocent countenances ima- ginable, filling the market with their notions, being as ready to trade with the Nederlanders as ever, and not a whit more prone to get to the windward of them in a bargain. The old wives of the Manhnttoes who took tea with the governor's lady attributed all this affucted moderation to the awe inspired by the military preparations of the governor, and the windy prowess of Anthony the Trumpeter. There were not wanting illiberal minds, however, who sneered at the governor for thinking to defend his city as he ffc. *^ned it, by mere wind ; but William Kieft was not to be je«*- '. t of his wind-mills ; he had seen them perched upon tL' n arts of his native city of Saardam, and was persuaded thb^ were connected with the great science of defence ; nay, so much piqued was he by having them made a matter of ridi- cule, that he introduced them into the arms of the city, where they remain to this day, quartered with the ancient beaver of the Manhattoes, an emblem and memento of his policy. I must not omit to mention that certain wise old burghers of the Manhattoes, skilful in expounding signs and mysteries, after events have come to pass, consider this early intrusion of the wind-mill into the escutcheon of our city, which before had been wholly occupied by the beaver, as portentous of it'i after fortune, when the quiet Dutchman would be elbowei aside by the enterprising Yankee, and pa'ient industry over- topped by windy speculation. CHAP. V. Among the wrecks and fragments of exalted wisdom which have floated down the stream of time from venerable antiquity, and been picked up by those humble but industrious wights who ply along the shores of literature, we find a shrewd ordi. nance of Charondas the Locrian legislator. Anxious to pre- •erre the judicial code of the state from the additions and amandments of country members and seekers of popuUrity, he ordained that| whoever proposed a new law should do it with ! i 126 BinoRT or kbw-toik. [book it. t halter abou^ hit neck ; whereby, in cue his prqKMilion were rejected, thej just hung him up— «nd there the matter ended. The effect was, that for more than two hundred jears there was but one trifling alteration in the judicial code ; and legal matters were so clear and simple that the whole race of lawyers starved to death for want of employment The Loc- rians, too, beingfreed from allincitementto litigation, lived very lovingly togetbu", and were so happy a people that they make scarce any figure in history ; it being only your litigious, quar- relsome, rantipole nations who make much noise in the world. I have been reminded of these historical facts in coming to treat of the internal policy of William the Testy. Well would it have been for him had he in the course of his universal ac- quirements stumbled upon the precaution of the gipod Charon- das ; or had he looked nearer home at the protectorate of Oloffe the Dreamer, when the community was governed without laws. Such legislation, however, was not suited to the busy, med- dling mind of William the Testy. *On the contrary, he con- ceived that the true wisdom of legislation consisted in the multiplicity of laws. He accordingly had great punishments for great crimes, and little punishments for little offences. By degrees the whole surface of society was cut up by ditches and fences, and quickset hedges of the law, and even the se- questered paths of private life so beset by petty rules and ordinances, too numerous to be remembered, that one could scarce walk at large without the risk of letting off a spring- gun, or falling into a man-trap. In a little while the blessings of innumerable laws became apparent ; a class of men arose to expound and confound them. Petty courts were instituted to take cognisance of petty offences, pettifoggers began to abound, and the com- munity was soon set together by the ears. Let me not be thought as intending any thing derogatory to the profession of the law, or to the distinguished members of that illustrious order. Well am I awara that we have in this ancient city innumerable worthy g^tlemen, the knights* errant of modem days, who go about redressing wrongs and defending the defenceless, not for the love of filthy luore, nor the selfish oravings of renown, but merely fof the pleasure of doing good. Sooner would I throw this trusty pen into the flames, and cork up my ink-bottle for eTer, than inftiage even for % uaire breadth upon the dignity of theee truly beMTelinl BOOKITi ion were : ended, an there indlegel race of TheLoc- ivedvery ley make uSf quar- he world, •oming to ell would irersalac- 1 Charon- 3of01olfe lioutlawH. My, med- f, he con- «d in the nishments B offenceB. by ditches en the se- rnles and one could f a spring- W8 became , confound ;ni8ance of 1 the corn- derogatory d members we have iki be knights* rrongs and f lucre, nor pleasure of ten into tba firiBge«v«a OttAP. v.] WILLIAM THB TK8TT. 127 champions of the distressed. On the contrary, I allude merely to those caitiff seouts who, in these latter days of evil, infest the skirts of the profession, as did the recreant Cornish knights of yore, the honourable order of chivalry; who, under its auspices, commit flagrant wrongs ; who thrive by quibbles, by quirks and chicanery, and like vermin increase the cor- ruption in which they are engendered. Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions as the facility of gratification. The courts of law would never be so crowded with petty, vexatious, and disgraceful suits, were it not for the hwds of pettifoggers. These tamper with the passions of the poorer and more ignorant classes ; who, as if poverty were not a sufficient misery in itself, are ever ready to embitter it by litigation. These, like quacks in medicine, excite the malady to profit by the cure, and retard the cure to augment the fees. As the quack exhausts the constitution, the pettifogger exhausts the purse ; and as he who has once been under the hands of a quack, is for ever after prone to dabble in drugs, and poison himself with infallible prescrip- tions ; so the client of the pettifogger is ever after prone to embroil himself with his neighbours, and impoverish him- self with successful lawsuits. My readers will excuse this digression into which I have been unwarily betrayed ; but I could not avoid giving a cool and unprejudiced account of an abomination too prevalent in this excellent city, and with the effects of which I am ruefully acquainted, having been nearly ruined by a lawsuit which was decided against me ; and my ruin having been completed by another, which was decided in my favour. To return to our theme. There was nothing in the whole range of moral offences against which the jurisprudence of William the Testy was more strenuously directed, than the crjring sin of poverty. He pronounced it the root of all evil, and determined to cut it up root and branch, and extirpate it from the land. He had been struck, in the course of his travels in the old countries of Europe, with the wisdom of those notices posted ap in country towns, that " any vagrant found begging there would be put in the stocks," and he had observed, thftt no beggara were to be seen in these neighbour- hoodi ; having doubtless thrown off their rags and their povorty, and become rich under the terror of ^e law. He oetermined to improre upon this hint In a little while ft I' ■i I 128 HISTORY OF MEW-TORK. [bOOK IV* new machine of his own invention was erected hard by Dog's Misery. This was nothing more nor less than a gibbet, of a very strange, uncouth, and unmatchable construction, far more efficacious, as he boasted, than the stocks, for the punish- ment of poverty. It was for altitude not a whit inferior to that of Haman, so renowned in Bible history; but the marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of being sus- pended by the neck according to venerable custom, was hoisted by the waistband, and kept dangling and sprawling between heaven and earth for an hour or two at a time, to the infinite entertainment and edification of the respectable citizens who usually attend exhibitions of the kind. Such was the puniphment of all petty delinquents, vagrants and beggars and others detected in being guilty of poverty in a small way. As to those who had offended on a great scale, who had been guilty of flagrant misfortunes and enormous backslidings of the purse, and who stood convicted of large debts, which they were unable to pay, William Kieft had them straightway inclosed within the stone walls of a prison, there to remain until they should reform and grow rich. This notable expedient, however, does not appear to have been more efficacious under William the Testy than in more mo- dern days, it being found that the longer a poor devil was kept in prison the poorer he grew. CHAP. VI. Next to his projects for the suppression of poverty, may be classed those of William the Testy for increasing the wealth of New>Am8terdam. Solomon, of whose character for wisdom the little governor was somewhat emulous, had made gold and silver as plenty as the stones in the streets of Jerusalem. William Kieft could not pretend to vie with him as to the precious metals, but he determined, as an equivalent, to flood the streets of New- Amsterdam with Indian money. This was nothing more nor less than strings of beads wrought out of clams, periwinkles, and other shelKfish, and called seawant or wampum. These had formed a native currency among the simple savages, who were content to take them of the Dutch- men in exchange for peltries. In an unlucky moment, William the Testy, seeing this money of easy production, conceived lOOKIV* jy Dog's ibbet, of tion, fat J punish- tferior to e marvel eing Bus- ts hoisted between e infinite zens who vagrants )Overty in reat scale, enormous 1 of large Kieft had f a prison, rich. This have been more mo- devil was WILLIAM THE TE8TT. 129 ty, may be the wealth for wisdom made gold Jerusalem, m as to the ent, to flood r. This was lught out of 1 seawant or J among the f the Dutch- lent, William conceived CHAP, w."] the project of making it the current coin of the province. It is true it had an intrinsic value among the Indiana, \\\\o us wards result. Ttie smoke of these villanous little pipes, con- tinually ascending in a cloud about the nose, penetrated into and befogged the cerebellum ; dried up all the kindly mois- ture of the brain, and rendered the people who used them as vapourish and testy as the governor himself. Nay, what is werse, from being goodly, burly, sleek-conditioned men, they became, like our Dutch yeomanry who smoke short pipes, a lantern jawed, smoke-dried, leathern-hided race. Nor was this all. From this fatal schism in tobacco pipes we may date the rise of parties in the Nieuw-Nederlandts. The rich and self-important burghers who had made their fortunes, and could afibrd to be lazy, adhered to the anciem fashion, and formed a kind of aristocracy known as the Long Pipes ; while the lower order, adopting the reform of William CHAP. Xm.'] MTILLIAH THE TESTY. 1 35 Kieft as more convenient in their handicraft employments, were branded with the plebeian name of Short Pipes. A third party sprang np, headed by the descendants of Robert Chewit, the companion of the great Hudson. Tiiese discarded pipes altogether, and took to chewing tobacco; hence they were called Quids ; an appellation since given to those political mongrels, which sometimes spring up bntween two great parties, as a mule is produced bet'veen <> hor: n waA an ass. And here I would note the great benefit of part,y cliij- tinctions in saving the people at large the trouble of clunking. Hesiod divides mankind into three classes, those who ihir>k for themselves, those who think as others think, ni/tj tho.^u who do not think at all. The second class comprlscf. he great mass of society ; for most people require a set creed and a file-leader. Hence the origin of party, which imuina a lar ; scored witlk lo man uan rs but sure nity?- jhool of phi* oin to doubt CHAP. IX.] WILLIAM THE TE8TT. 187 and despond when other men rejoice, well knowing that hap- piness is nt best but transient ; that the higher one is elevated on the see-saw balance of fortune, the lower must be liis sub- sequent depression ; that he who is on the uppermost round of a ladder has most to suffer from a fall, while he who is at the bottom runs very little risk of breaking his neck by tum- bling to the top. Philosophical readers of this stamp must have doubtless in- dulged in dismal forebodings all through the tranquil reign of Walter the Doubter, and considered it what Dutch seamen call a weother-breeder. They will not be surprised, therefore, that the foul weather which gathered during his dnys, should now be rattling from all quarters on the head of William the Testy. The origin of some of these troubles may be traced quite back to the discoveries and annexations of Hans Keinier Oothout, the explorer, and Wynant Ten Breeches, the land- measurer, made in the twilight days of Oloffe the Dreamer; by which the territories of the Nieuw-Nederlandts were car- ried far to the south, to Delaware river and parts beyond. The consequence was many disputes and brawls with the Indians, which now and then reached the drowsy ears of Walter the Doubter and his council, like the muttering of distant thunder from behind the mountains, without, how- ever, disturbing their repose. It was not till the time of William the Testy that the thunderbolt reached the Man- hattoes. While the little governor was diligently protecting his eastern boundaries from the Yankees, word was brought him of the irruption of a vagrant colony of Swedes in the south, who had landed on the banks of the Delaware, and dis- played the banner of that redoubtable virago Queen Christina, and taken possession of the country in her name. These had been guided in their expedition by one Peter Minuits or Minnewits, a renegade Dutclnnan, formerly in the service of their High Mightinesses; but who now declared himself go- vernor of all the surrounding country, to which was given the name of the province of New Sweden. It is an old saying, that *'a little pot is soon hot,** which was the case with William the Testy. Being a little man he was soon in a passion, and once in a passion he soon boiled over. Summoning his council on the receipt of this newi, he belaboured the Swedes in the longest speech that had been heard in the colony since the wordy warfare of Ten Ureecheft m )'UW] m 138 HISTOKT OF NEW-YORK. [book IV. I I and Tough Breeches. Having thus taken off the fire-edgo of his valour, he resorted to his favourite measure of procla- mation, and dispatched a document of the kind, ordering the renegade JVIinnewits and his gang of Swedish vagabonds to leave the country immediately, under pain of the vengeance of their High Mightinesses tlic Lords States General, and of the potentates of the Manhattoes. This strong measure was not a whit more effectual than its predecessors which had been thundered against the Yankees, and William Kieft was preparing to follow it up with some- thing still more formidable, when he received intelligence of other invaders on his southern frontier, who had taken pos- session of the banks of the Schuylkill, and built a fort there. They were represented as a gigantic, gunpowder race of men, exceedingly expert at boxing, biting, gouging, and other branches of the rough-and-tumble mode of warfare, which they had learned from their prototypes and cousins-german, the Virginians, to whom they have ever borne considerable resemblance. Like them, too, they were gn tt roisters, much given to revel on hoe-cake and bacon, mint-julep and apple- toddy; whence their newly formed colony had already ac- quired the name of Merrylund, which, with a slight modifi- cation, it retains to the present day. In fact, the Merrylanders and their cousins, the Virginians, were represented to William Kieft as offsets from the same original stock as his bitter enemies the Yanokie, or Yankee, tribes of the east ; having both come over to this country for the liberty of conscience, or, in other words, to live as they pleased ; the Yankees taking to praying and money-making, and converting Quakers, and the Southerners to horse-racing and cock-fighting and breeding negroes. Against these new invaders Wilhelmus Kieft immediately dispatched a naval armament of two sloops and thirty men, under Jan Jansen Alpendam, who was armed to the very teeth with one of the little governor's most powerful speeches, written in vigorous Low Dutch. Admiral Alpendam arrived without accident in the Schuyl- kill, and came upon the enemy just as they were engaged in a great "barbecue," a kind of festivityor carouse much practised in Merryland. Opening upon them with the speech of Wil- liam the Testy, he denounced them m a pack of laiy, canting, julep-tipling, cock-fighting, horse-racing, slave-driving, ta- was BOOK IV. ■e-edgo of f procla- ering the ibonds to engeance al, and of !\1 than its Yankees, ith some- ligence of ;aken pos- fort there, ce of men, and other ire, which is-gurman, nsiderable ters, much and ni)ple- dready ac- ht modift- /^irghiians, the same »r Yankee, iountry for ve as they ty-rauking, >r8e-racing imediately lirty men, [> the very 1 speeches, le Schuyl- gaged in a I practised ch of Wil- y, canting, riving, ta- UUAP. X.] WILLIAM THE T',!:87T. 189 vern-baunting, Sabbnth-breaking, mu:.tto-brceding upstarts ; and concluded by ordering them to evacuate the country im- mediately ; to which they laconically replied, in pUin English, " They'd see him d d ttrst ! " Now this was a reply on which neither Jan Janseii Al- pendam nor VVilhelmus Kieft had made any calculation. Find- ing himself, therefore, totally unprepared to answer so ter- rible a rebuti' with suitable hostility, the admiral concluded his wisest course would be to return home and report pro- gress. He accordingly steered his course back to New-Am- sterdam, where he arrived safe, having accomplished this hazardous enterprise at small expense of treasure, and no loss of life. His saving policy gained hiui the universal a(>- pellation of the Saviour of his Country, and his servic(;s were suitably rewarded by a shingle monument, erected by sub- scription on the tup of Flattenbarrack Hill, where it immor- talised his name for three whole years, when it fell tu pieces and was burnt for firewood. CHAP. X. About this time, the testy little governor of the New-Ne- therlands appears to have had his hands full, and, with one annoyance and the other, to have been kept continually on the bounce. He was on the very point of following up the ex* pedition of Jan Jansen Alpendam by some belligerent mea- sures against the marauders of Merryland, when his attention was suddenly called away by belligerent troubles springing up in another quarter, the seeds of which had been sown in the tranquil days of Walter the Doubter. The reader will recollect the deep duubt into which that most pacitic governor was thrown, on Killian Van Rensellaer's taking possession of Beam Island by loapen reeht. While the governor doubted and did nothing, the lordly Killian went on to complete his sturdy little castellum of Rensellaersteun, and to garrison it with a number of his tenants from the Helderberg, a mountain region famous for the hardest heads and hardest flsts in the province. Nicholas Koom, a faithful ■ squire of the patroon, accustomed to strut at his heels, wear his cast-off clothes, and imitate his lofty bearing, was esta- blished in this post as wacht-meester. His duty it was to \ I i ij I ' 1 140 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK IV. keep nn eye on the river, and oblige every vessel that passed, unless on the service of their High Mightinesses, to strike its Hag, lower its peak, and puy toll to theLordof Rensellaersteen. This assumption of sovereign authority within the territo- ries of the Lords States General, however it might have been tolerated by Walter the Doubter, had been sharply contested by William the Testy, on coming into office, and many written remonstrances had been addressed by him to Killian Van Rensellaer, to which the latter never deigned a reply. Thus by degrees a sore place, or, in Hibernian parlance, a raw^ had been established in the irritable soul of the little governor, insomuch that he winced at the very name of Rensellaersteen. Now it came to pass that, on a iiiie sunny day, the com- pany's yacht, the Half- Moon, having been on one of its stated visits to Fort Aurania, was quietly tiding it down the Hud- son ; the commander, Govert Lockerman, a veteran Dutch skipper of few words but great bottom, was seated on the high poop, quietly smoking his pipe, under the shadow of the Jroud flag of Orange, when, on arriving abreast of Beam sland, he was saluted by a stentorian voice from the shore, " Lower thy flag, and be d d to thee ! ** Govert Lockerman, without taking his pipe out of his mouth, turned up his eye from under his broad-brimmed hat to see who hailed him thus discourteously. There, on the ramparts of the fort, stood Nicholas Koorn, armed to the teeth, flourishing a brass-hilted sword, while a steeple-crowned hat and cock's tail-feather, formerly worn by Killian Van Ren- sellaer himself, gave an inexpressible loftiness to his demeanour. Govert Lockerman eyed the warrior from top to toe, but was not to be dismayed. Taking the pipe slowly out of his mouth, ** To whom should I lower my flag ?" demanded he. ** To the high and mighty Killian Van Rensellaer, the lord of Rensellaersteen ! " was the reply. " I lower it to none but the Prince of Orange and my masters, the Lords States General." So saying, he resumed liis pipe and smoked with an air of dogged determination. Bang I went a gun from the fortress ; the ball cut both sail and rigging. Govert Lockerman said nothing, but smoked the more doggedly. Bang I went anotiier gun ; the shot whistling close astern. ** Fire, and be d d," cried Govert Lockerman, cram- ming a new charge of tobacco into his pipe, and smoking with still increasing vehemence. [book IV. hat passed, \jo strike its ellaersteen. tlie territo- t have been ly contested any written KiUian Van eply. Thus ;, a raWt had le governor, isellaersteen. vy, the com- e of its stated wn the Hud- jteran Dutch jeated on the shadow of the sast of Beam am the shore, )e out of his i-briinmed hat Ihere, on the armed to the eeple -crowned UianVanllen- his demeanour, top to toe, but )wly out of his demanded he. ellaer, the lord )range and my ng, he resumed jtermination. , ball cut both i nothing, but ing close astern. )ckerman, cram- «, and smoking CHAP. XI.] "WILLIAM THE TE9TT. 141 Bang ! went a third gun. The shot passed over his head, tearing a hole in the " princely flag of Orange." This was the hardest trial of all for the pride and patience of Govert Lockerman ; he maintained a stubborn though swelling silence, but his smothered rage might be perceived by the short vehement puffs of smoke emitted from his pipe, by which he might be tracked for miles, as he slowly fluated out of shot and out of sight of Beam Island. In fact, he never gave vent to his passion until he got fairly among the Hi;^k;lands of the Hudson, when he let fly whole volleys of Lutch oaths, which are said to linger to this very day among the echoes of the Dunderberg, and to give particular effect to the thunder-storms in that neighbourhood. It was the sudden apparition of Govert Lockerman at Dog's Misery, bearing in his hand the tattered flag of Orange, that arrested the attention of William the Testy, just as he was devising a new expedition against the marauders of Mer- ryland. I will not pretend to describe the passion of the little man when he heard of the outrage of Rensellaersteen. Suflice it to say, in the flrst transports of his fury, he turned Dog's Misery topsy-turvy, kicked every cur out of doors, and threw the cats out of the window ; after which, his spleen being in some measure relieved, he went into a council of wor with Govert Lockerman, the skipper, assisted by An- tony Van Corlear, the trumpeter. CHAP. XL The eyes of all New-Amsterdam were now turned to see what would be the end of this direful feud between William the Testy and the patroon of Rensellaerwick ; and some, ob- serving the consultations of the governor with the skipper and the trumpeter, predicted warlike measures by sea and land. The wrath of William Kieft, however, though quick to rise, was quick to evaporate. He was a perfect brush-lieap in a blase, snapping and crackling for a time, and then ending in smoke. Likemany other valiant potentates, his first thoughts were all for war, his sober second thoughts for diplomacy. Accordingly Govert Lockerman was once more dispatched up the river in the company's yacht, the Groed Hoop, bearing Antony the Trumpeter as ambassador, to treat with the bel- i I 1 '\i 142 HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. [llOOK IV. ligerent powers of Rensellaersteen. In the fulness of time the yacht arrived before Benrn Island, and Antony the Trum- peter, mounting the poop, sounded a parley to the fortress. In a little while the steeple-crowned hat of Nicholas Koom, the wacht-meester, rose above the battlements, followed by his iron visage, and ultimately his whole person, armed, as before, to the very teeth ; while one by one a whole row of Helderbergers reared their round burly heads above the wall, and beside each pumpkin-head peered the end of a rusty musket Nothing daunted by this formidable array, Antony Van Corlear drew forth and read with audible voice a mis- sive from William the Testy, protesting against the usurpa- tion of Beam Island, and ordering the garrison to quit the premises, bag and baggage, on pain of the vengeance of the potentate of the Manhattoes. \ ; In reply, the wacht-meester applied the thumb of his right hand to the end of his nose, and the thumb of the left hand to the little finger of the right, and spreading each hand like a fan, made an aerial flourish with his fingers. Antony Van Corlear was sorely perplexed to understand this sign, which seemed to him something mysterious and masonic. Not liking to betray his ignorance, he again read with a loud voice the missive of William the Testy, and again Nicholas Koorn applied the thumb of his right hand to the end of his nose, and the thumb of his left hand to the little finger of the right, and repeated this kind of nasal weather-cock. Antony Van Cor- lear now persuaded himself that this was some short-hand sign or symbol, current in diplomacy, which, though unin- telligible to a new diplomat like himself, would speak volumes to the experienced intellect of William the Testy ; consider- ing his embassy therefore at an end, he sounded his trumpet with great complacency, and set sail on his return down the river, every now and then practising this mysterious sign of the wacht-meester, to keep it accurately in mind. Arrived at New-Amsterdam, he made a faithful report of his embassy to the governor, accompanied by a manual ex- hibition of the response of Nicholas Koorn. The governor was equally perplexed with his ambassador. He was deeply versed in the mysteries of freemasonry, but they threw no light on the matter. He knew every variety of wind-mill and weather-cock, but was not a whit the wiser as to the aerial ugn in question. He had even dabbled in Egyptian biero- CHAP. XI.] WILLIAM THK TESTY. 143 plypliic?, nnd the mystic synibola of the obelisks, but none furnished a key to the reply of Nirholas Koorn. lie called a meeting of his council. Antony Van Corlear stood forth in the midst, and putting the thumb of bis right hand to his nose, and the thumb of his left hand to the Hnger of the right, he gave a faithful fac-simile of the portentous sign. Having a nose of unusual dimensions, it was as if the reply hnd been put in capitals;, but all in vain ; the worthy burgomasters were equally perplexed with the governor. Each one put his thumb to the end of his nose, spread tn's fingers like a fan, imitated the motion of Antony Van Corlear, and then smoked on in dubious silence. Several times was Antony obliged to stand forth like a fugleman and repeat the sign, and each time a circle of nasal w^eather-cocks might be seen in the council chamber. Perplexed in the extreme, William the Testy sent for all the soothsayers and fortunetellers and wise men of the Man- hattoes, but none could interpret the mysterious reply of Nicholas Koom. The council broke up in sore perplexity. The matter got abroad, Antony Van Corlear was stopped at every corner to repeat the signal to a knot of anxious news- mongers, each of whom departed with his thumb to his nose and his fingers in the air, to carry the story home to his family. For several days all business was neglected in New-Amster- dam ; nothing was talked of but the diplomatic mission of Antony the Trumpeter, nothing was to be seen but knots of politicians, with their thumbs to their noses. In the mean- time the fierce feud between William the Testy and Killian Van Ilensellaer, which at first had menaced deadly warfare, gradually cooled off, like many other war questions, in the prolonged delays of diplomacy. Still, to this early affair of Rensellaersteen may be traced the remote origin of those windy wars in modem days which rage in the bowels of the Ilelderberg, and have well nigh shaken the great patroonship of the Van Rensellaers to its foundation ; for we are told that the bully -boys of the Helder- berg, who served under Nicholas Koorn, the wacht-meester, carried back to their mountains the hieroglyphic sign which had so sorely puzzled Antony Van Corlear and the sages of the Manhattoes ; so that, to the present day, the thumb to the nose and the fingers inthe air is apt to be the reply of the Heldef* bergera whenever called upon for any long arrears of rent. .!-t 1 144 mSTOBV OF NEW-TORK. [book IV. CHAP. XII. It was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, who had a nearer opportunity of ascertaining the fact, that at the gate of Jupiter's palace lay two huge tuns, one filled with blessings, the other with misfortunes ; and it would verily seem as if tbo latter had been completely overturned, and left to deluge the unlucky province of Nieuw-Nederlandts : for about this time, while harassed and annoyed from the south and the north, in- cessant forays were made by the border chivalry of Connec- ticut upon the pig-styes and hen-roosts of the Nederlanders. Every day or two some broad-bottomed express-rider, covered with mud and mire, would come floundering into the gate of New- Amsterdam, freighted with some new tale of aggression from the frontier ; whereupon Antony Van Corlear, seizing his trumpet, the only substitute for a newspaper in those pri- mitive days, would sound the tidings from the ramparts with such doleful notes and disastrous cadence, as to throw half the old women in the city into hysterics ; all which tended greatly to increase his popularity, there being nothing for which the public are more grateful than being frequently treated to a panic, — a secret well known to modern editors. But, oh, ye powers ! into what a paroxysm of passion did each new outrage of the Yankees throw the choleric little governor ! Letter after letter, protest after protest, bad Latin, worse English, and hideous low Dutch, were incessantly ful- minated upon them, and the four-and-twenty letters of the alphabet, which formed his standing army, were worn out by constant campaigning. All, however, was ineffectual ; even the recent victory at Oyster Bay, which had shed such a gleam of sunshine between the clouds of his foul-weather reign, was Boon followed by a more fearful gathering up of those clouds and indications of more portentous tempest ; for the Yankee tribe on the banks of the Connecticut, finding on this memor able occasion their incompetency to cope in fair fight with the sturdy chivalry of the Manhattoes, had called to their aid all the ten tribes of their brethren who inhabit the east country, which from them has derived the name of Yankee land. This call was promptly responded to. The consequence was a great confederacy of the tribes of Massachusetts, Connecticut, New- Plymouth and New-Haven, under the title of the " United Colonies of New England;'* the pretended object of which CHAP. Xn.] WILLIAM THE TK8TT, 14.5 was mutiinl defence nj^ninst the savnpes, but the real object the subjugation of the Nieuw-Nederlandts. For, to let the reader into one of the greatest secrets of history, the Nieuw-Nederlandts had long been regarded by the whole Yankee race as the modern land of promise, and them- selves as the chosen and peculiar people destined, o te day or other, by hook or by crook, to get possession of it. In truth, they are a wonderful and ull-prevalent people ; of that class who only require an inch to gain an ell, or a halter to gain a horse. From the time they first gained a foothold on Plymouth Rock, they began to migrate, progressing and progressing from place to place, and land to land, making a little here and a little there, and controverting the old proverb, that a rolling stone gathers no moss. Hence they have facetiously received the nickname of The Pilqkims ; that is to say, a people who are always seeking a better country than their own. The tidings of this great Yankee league struck William Kieft with dismay, and for once in his life he forgot to bounce on receiving a disagreeable piece of intelligence. In fact, on turning over in his mind all that he had read at the Hague about leagues and combinations, he found that this was a coun- terpart of the Amphictyonic league, by which the states of Greece attained such power and supremacy ; and the very idea made his heart quake for the safety of his empire at the Manhattoes. The affairs of the confederacy were managed by an annual council of delegates held at Boston, which Kieft denominated the Delphos of this truly classic league. The very first meet- ing gave evidence of hostility to the New-Nederlanders, who were charged, in their dealings with the Indians, with carrying on a traffic in "guns, powther, and shott — a trade damnable and injurious to the colonists." It is true the Connecticut traders were fain to dabble a little in this damnable traffic ; but then they always dealt in what were termed Yankee guns, ingeniously calculated to burst in the pagan hands which used them. The rise of this potent confederacy was a death-blow to the glory of William the Testy, for from that day forward he never held up his head, but appeared quite crest-fallen. It is true, as the grand council augmented in power, and the league, rolling onward, gathered about the red hills of New-Haven, threatening to overwhelm the Nieuw-Nederlandts, he con* L Mi^ ';) it:!- ■ :1 .! Ml ff ; If 146 HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. [book IV. tinued occasionally to fulminate proclamations and protests, as a shrewd sea-captain fires his guns into a water-spout ; but, alas I they had no more effect than so many blank cartridges. Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of William the Testy ; for henceforth, in the troubles, perplex- ities, and confusion of the times, he seems to have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped for ever through the fingers of scrupulous history. It is a matter of deep concern that sucli obscurity should hang over his latter days ; for he was in truth a mighty and great little man, and worthy of being utterly renowned, seeing that he was the first potentate chat introduced into this land the art of fighting by proclamation, and defending a country by trumpeters and windmills. It is true, that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there were great numbers in the Nieuw-Nederlandts, taking advantage of his mysterious exit, have fabled that. Like Ro- mulus, he was translated to the skies, and forms a very fiery little star, somewhere on the left claw of the crab; while others, equally fanciful, declare that he had experienced a fate similar to that of the good King Arthur, who, we are assured by ancient bards, was carried away to the delidoiis abodes of fairy land, where he still exists in pristine wortii and vigour, and will one day or another return to restore the gallantry, the honour, and the immaculate probity, which prevailed in the glorious days of the Bound Table.* All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb visions of those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would not have my judicious reader attach any credibility. Neither am I disposed to credit an ancient and rather apocryphal historian, who asserts that the ingenious Wilhelmus was an- nihilated by the blowing down of one of his windmiUs ; nor a writer of later times, who affirms that he fell a victim to an experiment in natural history, having the misfortune to break his neck from a garret window of the stadthouse in attempting * ** The old Welsh bards believed that King Arthur was not dead, but carried awaie by the fairies into some pleasant place, where he sholde remainc for a time, and then retumo againe and reigne in as great antho- rity as ever." — HoUuuhed. " The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Britaigne; for certes, this is the prophicye of Merlyn — * He say'd that his deth uall be doubteous ; and said sotli, for men thereof yet have doubte and shnllen for evermore, for men wyt not whether that he lyreth or is dede."*— Ife Leew, Cknm. CHAP. Xn.] WILUAM THE TESTY. 147 to catch swallows by sprinkling salt upon their tails. Still less do I put my faith in the tradition that he perished at sea in conveying home to Holland a treasure of golden ore, dis- covered somewhere among the haunted regions of the Catskill mountains.* The most probable account declares, that what with the * Diedrich Knickerbocker, in his scrupulous search after truth, is some- times too fastidious in regard to facts w)iich border a little on the nian'cN lous. The story of the golden ore rests on something better than mere tradition. The venerable Adrian Van der Donck, doctor of laws, in his description of the New-Netherlands, asserts it from his own observation as an eye-witness. He was present, he says, in 1645, at a treaty between Governor Kieft and the Mohawk Indians, in which one of the latter, in painting himself for the ceremony, used a pigment, the weight and shining appearance of which excited the curiosity of the governor and Mynheer Vun der Donck. They obtained a lump and gave it to be proved by a skilful doctor of medicine, Johannes de la Montague, one of the council- lors of the New-Netherlands. It was put into a crucible, and yielded two pieces of gold worth about three guilders. All this, continues Adrian Van der Donck, was kept secret. As soon as peace was made with the Mohawks, an officer and a few men were sent to the mountain (in the region of the Kaatskill), under the guidance of an Indian, to search for the precious mineral They brought back a bucketful of ore, which, being submitted to the crucible, proved as productive as the first William Kiefk now thought the discovery certun. He sent a confidential person, Arent Corscn, with a bagful of the mineral to New-Haven, to take pas- sage in an English ship for England, thence to proceed to Holland. The vessel sailed at Christmas, but never reached her port All on board perished. In the year 1647, Wilhelmus Kieft himself embarked on board the Princess, taking with him specimens of the supposed mineral The ship was never heard of more ! Some have supposed that the mineral in question was not gold, but pyrites ; bnt we have the assertion of Adrian Van der Donck, an eye- witness, and the experiment of Johannes de la Montague, a learned doctor of medicine, on the golden side of the question. Cornelius Van Tienhooven, also, at that time secretary of the New-Netherlands, declared, in Holland, that he had tested several specimeus of the minoral, which proved satisfkctoiy.* It would appear, however, that these golden treasures of the Kaatskill always broi^ht ill lack ; as is evidenced in the fate of Arent Corsen and Wilhelmus Kieft, and the wreck of the ships in which they attempted to convey the treasture across the oceaiu The golden mines have never since been explored, but remain among the mysteries of the Kaatskill moontains, and under the protection of the goblins which haunt them. > See Van der Donck's Description of the New-Netheriands. New-York Hist Society, vol L p. 161. Collect. 1 ' ■ 81 I i :u..j 1 1! I. 2 I 1 1 urn ■tmm twmmim'mmm 148 . BISTORT OP NEW-TOnK. '' [bOOK V. constant troubles on his frontiers — the incessant schemings and projects going on in his own pericranium — tlie memorials, petitions, remonstrances, and sage pieces of advice of respect- able meetings of the sovereign people, and the refractory disposition of his councillors, who were sure to differ from him on every point, and uniformly to be in the wrong — his mind was kept in a furnace heat, until he became as completely burnt out as a Dutch family pipe, which has passed through three generations of hard smokers. In this manner did he undergo a kind of animal combustion, consuming away lik& n farthing rushlight, so that when grim Death finally snufft^d him out, there was scarcely left enough of him to bury ! BOOK V. CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OP THE REIGN OF PETElt STUYVESANT, AND UIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYCTIONIC COUNCIL. CHAPTER L To a profound philosopher like myself, who am apt to see clear through a subject, where the penetration of ordinary people extends but halfway, there is no fact more simple and manifest than that the death of a great man is a matter of very little importance. Much as we may think of ourselves, and much as we may excite the empty plaudits of the million, it is certain that the greatest among us do actually fill but aa exceeding small space in the world ; and it is equally certain, that even that small space is quickly supplied when we leave it vacant. " Of what consequence is it," said Pliny, " that individuals appear, or make their exit ? the world is a theatre whose scenes and actors are continually changing." Never did philosopher speak more correctly, and I only wonder that so wise a remark could have existed so many ages, and mankind not have laid it more to heart. Sage follows on in the footsteps of sage ; one hero just steps out of his triumphal car, to make way for the hero who comes after him ; and of the proudest monarch it is merely said that, " he slept with his fathers, and his successor reigned in his stead.** [book r. icliemings aemorials, (f respect- refractory : from bim -his mind Bompletely ;d througU mer dUl be away like illy snuffi^d bury! OF PBTEK IPHYCTIONIO m apt to see of ordinary i-e simple and i a matter of of ourselves, f tbe million, Uy fill but aa ually certain, ben we leave Pliny, "that e world is a y changing." , and I only sted so many heart. Sage st steps out of 10 comes after said that, "be , in bis stead. CHAP. I.] PETER STUYVE9AXT. 149 The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for tlieir loss, and, if left to itself, would soon for;;et to grieve ; and though a nation has often been figuratively drowned in tears on the death of a great man, yet it is ten ^o one if an iiuli- vidual tear has been shed on the occasion, excepting from the forlorn pen of some hungry author. It is tlic historian, the biographer, and the poet, who have the whole burden of grief to sustain; who, kind souls! like undertakers in Eng- land, act the part of chief mourners ; who inflate a nation with sighs it never heaved, and deluge it with tears it never dreamt of shedding. Thus, while the patriotic author is weeping and howling in prose, in blank verse, and in rhyme, and collecting the drops of public sorrow into his volume, as into a lachrymal vase, it is more than probable his fellow- citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling and dancing, as utterly ignorant of the bitter lamentations made in their name as are those men of straw, John Doe and Richard Hoe, of the plaintiffs for whom they are generously pleased to be- come sureties. The most glorious hero that ever desolated nations might have mouldered into oblivion among the rubbish of his own monument, did not some historian take him into favour, and benevolently transmit his name to posterity ; and mueli as the valiant William Kieft worried, and bustled, and tur- fnoiled, while he had the destinies of a whole colony in his hand, I question seriously whether he will not be obliged to this authentic history for all his future celebrity. His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New- Amsterdam nor its vicinity ; the earth trembled not, neither did any stars shoot from their spheres ; the heavens were not shrouded in black, as poets would fain persuade us they have been, on the death of a hero ; the rocks (hard-hearted varlets!) melted not into tears, nor did the trees hang their heads in silent sorrow ; and as to the sun, he lay a-bed the next night just as long, and showed as jolly a face when he rose, as he ever did, on the same day of tiie month in any year, cither before or since. The good people of New- Amsterdam, one and all, declared that he had been a very busy, active, bustling little governor; that he was "the father of his country;" that he was "the noblest work of Gotl;" that "ho was a man, take him for all in all, they ne'er should look upon his like again ;" together with sundry other civil and h 3 it ri ;i! < I- m !- 150 HISTORY OP NEW-YORK. [bOOK T. nflTectionnte speeches, regularly said on the death of all great men ; after which thej smuked their pipes, thought no more about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to his station. Peter Stuyvesnnt was the last, and, like the renowned Woutei" Van Twiller, the best of our ancient Dutch gover- nors. Wouter having surpassed all who preceded him, and Pieter, or Piet, as he was sociably called by the old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarise names, having never b"en equalled by any successor. He was, in fact, the very ma*i fitted by Nature to retrieve the despentte fortunes of her beloved province, had not the Fates, those most potent and unrelenting of all ancient spinsters, destined them to inextricable confusion. To say merely that he was a hero, would be doing him great injustice ; he was, in truth, a combination of heroes ; ibr he was of a sturdy, rawboned make, like Ajax Telamon, with a pair of round shoulders that Hercules would have given his hide for (meaning his lion's hide), when he under- took to ease old Atlas of his load. He was, moreover, as Plutarch describes Coriolanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but likewise for his voice, which sounded as though it came out of a barrel ; and, like the self-same war- rior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which was enough of itself to make the very bowels of his adversaries quake with terror and dismay. All this martial excellency of appearance was inexpressibly heightened by an accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that neither Homer nor Virgil have graced any of their heroes. This was nothing less than a wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gained in bravely fighting the battles of his country, but of which he wos so proud, that ho was often heard to declare he valued it more than all his other limbs put together ; indeed, so highly did he esteem it, that he had it gallantly enchased and relieved with silver devices, which caused it to be related in divers histories and legends that he wore a silver leg.* Lik*i that choleric warrior Achilles, he was somewhat sub- ject to extempore bursts of passion, which were rather un- Eleasant to his favourites and attendants, whose perceptions e was apt to quicken after tho manner of his illustrious 8eo tho hiKt4>ries or Maaten Joswiyn and Blomc. ^if chap.l] PETER 8TDYVE8AIIT. m imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing their shoulders with his walking staff. Though I cannot find that he had read Pint », or Aristotle, or Hobbes, or Bacon, or Algernon Sydney, or Tom P«iine, yet did he sometimes manifest a shrewdness and sagacity in his measures, that one would hardly expect from a man who did not know Greek, and had never studied the ancients. True it is, and I confess it with sorrow, that he had an un« reasonable aversion to experiments, and was fond of govern- ing his province after the simplest manner; but then ho contrived to keep it in better order than did the erudite Kieft, though he had all the philosophers, ancient and modern, to assist and perplex him. I must likewise own that he made but very few laws, but then again he took care that those few were rigidly and impartially enforced; and I do not know but justice, on the whole, was as well administered as if there had been volumes of sage acts and statutes yearly made, and daily neglected and forgotten. He was, in fact, the very reverse of his predecessors, being neither tranquil and inert, like Walter the Doubter, nor rest- less and fidgetting, like William the Testy ; but a man, or Hither a governor, of such uncommon activity and decision of mind, that he never sought nor accepted the advice of others, depending bravely upon his single head, as would a hero of yore upou his single arm, to carry him tlirough nil difficulties and dangers. Tc tell the simple truth, he wanted nothing more to complete him as a statesman than to think always right, for no one can say but that he always acted ns he thought. He was never a man to flinch when he found himself in a scrape, but to dash forward through thick and thin, trust- ing, by hook or by crook, to make all things straight in the end. Inaword, ho possessed in an eminent degree that great quality in u statesman, called perseverance by the polite, but nick- named obstinacy by the vulgar. A wonderful salvo for official blunders; since he who fierscvcres in error without flinching, gets the credit of boldness and consistency, wliilo he who wavers, in seeking to do what is rijjht, gets stigmatised as a trimmer. This much is certain ; and it is a muxim well worthy the attention of all legislators great and sirall, v^lio stand shaking in the wind, irresolute whie'u way tostcor, that a rul'jr who follows his own will pleases himself, wiiile he who seeks to satiHly the wishes and whims ol others runs L 4 ! iri ■m i. ! : 152 iiisTonv OF NEW-vouK. [book v. great risk of plensinp nobody. There id nothing, too, like putting down one's foot resolutely when in doubt, and letting things take their course. The clock that stands still points right twice in the four and twenty hours, while others may keep going continually, and be continually going Avrong. Nor did this magnanimous quality escape the discernment of the good people of Kieuw-Nederlandts ; on the contrary, so much were they struck with the independent will and vigorous resolution displayed on all occasions by their new governor, that they universally called him Hard-Koppig Piet, or Peter the Headttrong, a great compliment to the strength of his under.-tanding. If, from all that 1 have said, thou dost not gather, worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, sturdy, valiant, weather-beaten, mettlesome, obstinate, leathern-sided, lion- hearted, generous-spirited old governor, either I have written to but little purpose, or thou art very dull at drawing con- clusions. This most excellent governor commenced his administra- tion on the 29th of May, 1G47 ; a remarkably stormy day, distinguished in all the almanacks of the time which have come down to us by the name of Windy Friday. As he was very jealous of his personal and official dignity, he was in- augurated into oliieewith great ceremony; the goodly oaken chair of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, being carefully preserved for such occasions, in like manner as the chair and stone were reveieutially preserved at Schone, in Scotland, for the coronation of the Caledonian raonarchs. I must not omit to mention, that the tempestuous state of the elements, together with its being that unlucky da^ of the week termed " hanging day," did not fail to excite much grave speculation and divers \'{;ry reasonable apprehensions among the more ancient and enlightened inhabitants; and several of the sager sex, who were repi ts'd to be not a little ftkilled in the mysteries of astrology and fortune-telling, did declare outright that they were omens of a disastrous ad- ministration ; an event that came to be lamentably veritied, and which proves, beyond dispute, the wisdom of attending to those preterniitiual intimations furnished by dreams aiul visions, the Hying of birds, fulling of stones, and cackling of geese, on which the sages and rulers of ancient times placed such reliance ; or to those shootings of stars, eclipses of tho CIIAP. II.] PETER STUrV'ESANT. 158 moon, liowlin^s of dopjs, and flnrinfrs of candles, cnrpfuUy noted and interpreted by the oracular sibyls of our day ; who, in ray humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors and preserv- ers of the ancient science of divination. This much in cer- tain, that Governor Stuyvesant succeeded to the chair of state at a turbulent period, when foes thronged and threatened from without; when anarchy and stift'-necked opposition reigned rampant within ; when the authority of their High Mightinesses the Lords States General, though supported by economy, and defended by speeches, protests, and proclama- tions, yet tottered to its very centre; and when the great city of New-Amsterdam, though fortified by flag-staffs, trum- peters, and wind-mills, seemed, like some fair lady of easy vir- tue, to lie open to attack, and ready to yield to the first invader. 1 CHAP. II. The very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the leins of government, displayed his magnanimity, though they occasioned not a little marvel and uneasiness among the people of the Manhattoes. Finding himself constantly inter- rupted by the opposiiior, and annoyed by the advice of his privy council, tl'o members of which had acquired the un- reasonable habit of thinking and speaking for themselves during the preceding reign, he determined at once to put a stop to such grievous abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had lie cntcrcil upon his authority, than he turned out of ofHce all the meddlesome spirits of the factious cabinet of William the Testy ; in place of whom he chose unto himself councillors from those fat, somniferous, respectable burghers, who had flourished and slumbered und(ir the. easy '•eign ' '' Walter the Doubter. Ail these he causeu to be furniMi.ed witli abundance cf fair long pipes, and to be regaled with frequent corpora- tion dinners admonishing them to smoke, and eat, and sleep fur the good of the nation, while he took the burden of go- vernment upon his own nhouldcrs, — an arrangement to which they all gave hearty acquiescence. Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among tlio inventions and expedients of his learned preileeessor — rbrandy, Weathersfield onions, wooden bowls, and other articles of Yankee barter. The ingenious people of the east, however, indemnified themselves in another way for having to abandon the coinage of oyster-shells, for about this time we are told that wootlen nutmegs made tl'.ei:* first appearance in New* Am* sterdam, to the great annoyu.a-i. of the Dutch huusewived. NOTE. From a manuacript rttrnl of the pntvinre (Lih. y.-Y. Ilitl. Site,), — " Wo have Ikh'ii uiialilc U* romlor yotir iiiliiibitiints \vi»«'r, iiinl prevent their liciii^ further iiiipwed upon, than to declare, absolutely aiwl pcremp- l! I' !| 1 lo6 HISTORY OF NEW -YORK. [book V, CHAP. III. Now it came to pass, tlint wliile Peter Stuyvesant was busy regulating the internal affairs of his domain, the great Yankee league, which had causeu such tribulation to William the Testy, continued to increase in extent and power. The grand Aniphictyonic council of the league was held at Bos- ton, where it spun a web which threatened to link within it all the mighty principalities and powers of the east. The object proposed by this formidable combination was mutual protection and defence against their savage neighbours ; but all the world knows the real aim was to form a grand crusade against the Nieuw-Nederlandts and to get posf^ession of the city of the Manhattoes — as devout an object of enterprise and ambition to the Yankees as was ever the capture of Jerusalem to ancient crusaders. In the very year following the inauguration of Governor Stuyvesant, a grand deputation departed from the city of Providence (famous for its dusty streets and beauteous wo- men) in behalf of the plantation of Rhode Island, praying to be admitted into the league. The following minute of this deputation appears in the ancient records of the council.* «*Mr. Will. Cottington and Captain Partridg of Khoode Island presented this in&^wlng request to the commissioners In wrighting — , " Our request and motion is in behalfe of Rhoode Hand, that wee the Ilanders of Rhoode-Iland may be rescauicd into torily, that henceforward scnwant shall be bullion — not lonjrer admissiltlo in trade, without any vahie, as it is indeed. So that eve v- one may be npon his guard to batter no lon-rcr away his wares and merchandises tor these bubbles ; at leant not to acccitt thcni ut a higher rate, or in a larger tpiantity, tiiau as they may want them in their trade witii the savages. " In this way your English [Yankee] neighbours shall no longer be enabled to draw the best wares and mercliomlises from our country for nothing ; the l)eavcr« and furs not excepted. This has, indeed, long i^incc been insuifcrabic ; although it ought chietiy to be imputed to the impru- dent penuriousness of our own mei-cii.mts and inhalntants, wiio, it is tu Iw hoped, shall, through the aboliriuu of thi:^ aeuwaiit, Income wiser uad more ])rud(>nt. "i7th Januarj-, 1602. *' Soawunt fulls into disrepute ; duties to be paid in silver cuin." • Haz. Coll Stat. Tap. [book V, was busy eat Yankee William the wer. The eld at Bos- k within it east. The was mutual hours; but and crusade ision of the terprise and t' Jerusalem )f Governor the city of auteous wo- , praying to )ear3 in the of Rhoode mmissioners loode Hand, scauicd into ijjer ndmi9?U)lo ■'.■ one may ba «rchftnt\isc8 for or in n Uigcr w savages. no longer be ur counuy for eed, long wncc to the irapru- who, it is to bo line wiser a:id if cunu CHAP. III.] PETER STUTVE8AST. 157 combination with all the united colonyes of New England in a firmc and perpetual league of friendship and amity of ofenco and defence, mutuall advice and succor upon all just occasions for our mutuall safety and wellfairc, etc. " Will. Cottington, " Alicxsandek Partridg." There was certainly something in the very pl)}r8iognomy of this document that might well inspire apprehension. The name of Alexander, however mis-spelt, has been warlike in every age, and though its fierceness is in some mcnsiire sof- tened by being coupled with the gentle coguonicn itj ]*ai t- ridge, still, like the colour of scarlet, it bears an excee iing great resemblance to the sound of a trumpet. From the style of the letter, moreover, and the soldier-like ignorance of ortho- graphy displayed by tiie noble captain Alicxsander Partridg, in spelling his own name, we may picture to ourselves tiiis mighty man of Rhodes, strong in arms, potent in th? field, and as great a scholar as though he had been educated among that learned people of Thrace, who, Aristotle assures us, could not count beyond the number four. The result of this great Yankee league was augmented audacity on the part of the moss-troopers of Connecticut, pushing their encroachments farther and farther into the ter- ritories of their High Mightinesses, so that even the inhabit- ants of New- Amsterdam began to draw short breath, and to find themselves exceedingly cramped for elbow-room. Peter Stuyvesant was not a man to submit quietly to such intrusions; his first impulse \vas to march at once to the frontier, and kick these squatting Yankee out of the country; but, bethinking himself in time that he was now a governor and legislator, the policy of the statesman for once cooled the fire of the old soldier, and he determined to try his hand ut negociation. A correspondence accordingly ensued between him and the grand council of the league, and it was agreed that commissioners from either side should meet ut Hartford, to settle boundaries, adjust grievances, and establish a "per- petual and happy peace." The commissioners on the part of the Manhattoes wero chosen, according to immemorial usage of that venerable me- tropolis, from among the *' wisest and weightiest " men of tho community; that is to say, men with the oldest head« and ^1 i SI ■H msmimmmmiat "^jfmm H V. }'i I 158 IIISTORT OP NEW-YORK. [bOOK V* heaviest pockets. Among these sages the veteran navigator, Hans Reinier Oothout, who had made such extensive dis- coveries during the time of Oloffe the Dreamer, was looked up to as an oracle in all matters of the kind; and he was ready to produce the very spy-glass with which he first spied the mouth of the Connecticut river from his masthead, and all the world knows that the discovery of the mouth of a river gives prior right to all the lands drained bv :ts waters. It was with feelings of pride and exultation that the good people of the Manhattoes saw two of the richest and most ponderous burghers departing on this embassy ; men whose word on 'Change was oracular, and in whose presence no poor man ventured to appear without taking off his hat : when it was seen, too, that the veteran Reinier Oothout accompanied them with his spy-glass under his arm, all the old men and old women predicted that men of such weight, with such evi- dence, would leave the Yankees no alternative bat to pack up their tin kettles and wooden wares ; put wife and children in a cart, and abandon all the lands of their High Mightinesses, on which they had squatted. In truth, the commissioners sent to Hartford by the league, seemed in no wise calculated to compete with men >f such capacity. They were too lean Yankee lawyers, litigiou ^•look- ing varlets, and evidently men of no substance, since they had no rotundity in the belt, and there was no jingling of money in their pockets ; it is true they had longer heads than the Dutchmen ; but if the heads of the latter were flat at top, they were broad at bottom, and what was wanting in height of forehead, was made up by a double chin. The negotiation turned as usual upon the good old comer- stone of original discovery ; according to the principle that he who first sees a new country, has an unquestionable right to it. This being admitted, the veteran Oothout, at a concerted signal, stepped forth in the assembly with the identical tar- pauling spy-glass in his hand, with which he had discovered the mouth of the Connecticut, while *' ' wort'iy Dutch com- missioners lolled back in their chairs, secretly chuckling at the idea of having for once got the weathergage of the),Yan- kees ; but what was their dismay when the latter produced a Nantucket whaler with a spy-glass, twice as long, with which he discovered the whole coast, quite down to the Manhattoes; and 80 crooked that he had spied with it up the whole course of (i^ [book V* navigator^ nsive dis- vas looked ad he was first spied »ad, and all I of a river iters. It the good t and most men whose nee no poor it : when it ccompanied )ld men and th such evi- it to pack up 1 children in [ightinesses, y the league, men >f such tigioik <-look- since they jingling of heads than re flat at top, Dg in height d old comer- iciple that he lable right to t a concerted identical tar- Eid discovered ' Dutch corn- chuckling at of thel.Yan- „r produced a g, with which ) Manhattoes; holeoourseof GHXP. m.] PETEB STim'ESAMT. 159 the Connecticut river. This principle pushed home, there- fore, the Yankees had a right to the whole country bordering on the Sound ; nay, the city of New-Amsterdam was a mere Dutch ^squatting-plnce on their territories. I forbear to dwell upon the confusion of the worthy Dutch commissioners at finding their main pillar of proof thus knocked from under them ; neither will I pretend to describe the consternation of the wise men at the Manhattoes when they learnt how their commissioner had been out-trumped by the Yankees, and how the latter pretended to claim to the very gates of New-Amsterdam. Long was the negociation protracted, and long was the public mind kept in a state of anxiety. There are two modes of settling boundary questions, when the claims of the oppo- site parties are irreconcilable. One is by an appeal to arms, in which case the weakest party is apt to lose its right, and get a broken head into the bargain ; the other mode is by com- promise, or mutual concession *, that is to say, one party cedes half of its claims, and the other party half of its rights ; he who grasps most gets most, and the whole is pronounced an equitable division, " perfectly honourable to both parties." The latter mode was adopted in the present instance. The Yankees gave up claims to vast tracts of the Nieuw-Neder* landts which they had never seen, and all right to the island of Manna-hata and the city of New-Amsterdam, to which they had no right at all ; while the Dutch, in return, agreed that the Yankees should retain possession of the frontier places where th^ had squatted, and of both sides of the Connecticut river. When the news of this treaty arrived at New-Amsterdam, the whole city was in an uproar of exultation. The old women rejoiced that there was to be no war, the old mea that their cabbage-gardens were safe from invasion ; while the political sages pronounced the treaty a great triumph over the Yankees, considering how much they had claimed, and how little they had been " fobbed off with." And now my worthy reader is, doubtle3S, like the great and good Peter, congratulating himself with the idea that his feelings will no longer be harassed by afflicting details of stolen horses, broken heads, impounded hogs, and all the other catalogue of heart-rending cruelties that disgraced these border wars. But if he should indulge in such expectations, 1 ti' i 1 iwrini tirtja MliaMiHPMWIMMH 160 nisTonr of new-tork. ' [book v. it is a proof that hn is but little versed in the paradoxical ways of cabinets ; to convince him of which I solicit his serious attention to my next chapter, wherein I will show that Peter Stuyvesant has already committed a great errof in politics ; and, by effecting a peace, has materially hazarded the tranquillity of the province. CHAP. IV. It was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, Lucretius^ that war was the original state of man, whom he described as being, primitively, a savage beast of prey, engaged in a constant state of hostility with his own species, and that this ferocious spirit was tamed and ameliorated by society. The same opinion has been advocated by Hobbes*; nor have there been wanting many other philosophers to admit and defend it. For my part, though prodigiously fond of these valuable speculations, so complimentary to human nature, yet, in tliis instance, I am inclined to take the proposition by halves ; believing with Horace f, that though war may have been originally the favourite amusement and industrious employ- ment of our progenitors, yet, like many other excellent habits, so far from being ameliorated, it has been cultivated and con- firmed by refinement and civilisation, and increases in exact proportion as we approach towards that state of perfection, which is the ne plus ultra of modern philosophy. The first conflict between man and man was the mere ex- ertion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary weapons — his arm was his buckler, his fist was his mace, and a broken head the catastrophe of his encounters. The battle of unassisted strength was succeeded by the more rugged one of stones and clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary aspect. As man ad- vanced in refinement, as his faculties expanded, and as his sensibilities became more exquisite, he grew rapidly more ingenious and experienced in the art of murdering his fcUow- • Hobbcs's Leviathan, part i. ch. 13. f Cum prorcpserunt primis animalia terris, Mutum et turpe pocus, glandcm atque cuhiiia propter, Unguibus et pugnis, dein fostibus, atque ita porro Fagnabont armis, qu» post fabricaverat usus. Uoa. Sat, lib. i. a. St [bookv. radoxical ollcit his will ahow reat error hazarded , Lucretius^ e described igaged in a nd that this ciety. The r have there nd defend it. jse valuable 1, yet, in this I by halves ; y have been ious employ- ;ellent habits, ited and con- •asea in exact »f perfection, f • the mere ex- ^eapons — his [a broken head of unassisted of stones and As man ad- jd, and as his rapidly more ring his fcUovr- propter, orro lae.Ub.i. fcS. CHAP. IV.] PETER STCrVESANT. 161 beings. He invented a thousand devices to defend and to assault — the helmet, the cuirnsa, and the buckler, the sword, the dart, and the javelin, prepared him to elude the wound as vrell as to launch the blow. Still urging on, in the cnrccr of philanthropic invention, he enlarges and heightens his powers of defence and injury. The aries, the scorpio, the bulista, and the catapulta give a horror and sublimity to wnr, and magnify its glory, by increasing its desolation. Still insa- tiable, though armed with machinery tliat seemed to reach the limits of destructive invention, and to yield a power of injury commensurate even with the desires of revenge — still deeper researches must be made in the diabolical arcana. With furious zeal he dives into the bowels of the earth ; he toils midst poisonous minerals and deadly salts — the sublime discovery of gunpowder blazes upon the world ; and finally, the dreadful art of fighting by proclamation seems to endow the demon of war with ubiquity and omnipotence ! This, indeed, is grand ! — this, indeed, marks the powers of mind, and bespeaks that divine endowment of reason, which distinguishes us from the animals, our inferiors. The un- enlightened brutes content themselves with the native force which Providence has assigned them. The angry bull butts with his horns, as did his progenitors before him ; the lion, the leopard, and the tiger, seek only with their talons and their fangs to gratify their sanguinary fury ; and even tlie subtle serpent darts the same venom, and uses the same wiles, as did his sire before the flood. Man alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes on from discovery to discovery ; en- larges and multiplies his powers of destruction ; arrogates the tremendous weapons of Deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him in murdering his brother worm ! In proportion as the art of war has increased in improve- ment has the art of preserving peace advanced in equal ratio ; and as we have discovered, in this age of wonders and in- ventions, that proclamation is the most formidable engine in war, so have we discovered the no less ingenious mode of maintaining peace by perpetual negotiations. A treaty, or, to speak more correctly, a negotiation, there- fore, according to the acceptation of experienced statesmen, learned in these matters, is no longer an attempt to accom- modate differences, to ascertain rights, and to establish an equitable exchange of kind offices ; but a contest of skill M I I '^ i ! l.i I : > it ' nl IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) 1.0 I.I itt Uii 122 !!f lift ■" tmm IIIh Ih •1 PholDgraphic Sciences Carporation 33 wnST MAIN tTRMT WnSTM.N.Y. 14510 (7U)I73-4»M 4fS ■\ Ifll H18T0BT OF MXW-TOBK. [book VI between two powers which shall overreach and take in the other. It is a cunning endeavour to obtain by peaceful mancBUvre and the chicanery of cabinets, those advantages which a nation would otherwise have wrested by force of arms ; in the same manner as a oonsdentious highwayman reforms and becomes a quiet and praiseworthy citizen, con- tenting himself with cheating his neighbour out of that proper^ he would formerly have seised with open violence. In fact, the only time when two nations can be said to be in a state of perfect amity is when a negotiation is open, and a treaty pending. Then, when there are no stipulations entered into, no bonds to restrain the will, no specific limits to awaken the captious jealousy of right implanted in our nature ; when each party has some advantage to hope and expect from the other, then it is that the two nations are wonderfully gracious and friendly ; their ministers professing the highesc mutual regard, exchanging billets-doux, making fine speeches, and indulging in all those little diplomatic flirtations, coquetries, and fondlings, that do so marvellously tickle the good humour of the respective nations. Thus it may paradoxically be said, that there is never so good an understanding between two nations as when there is a little minunderstanding — and that so long as they are on no terms at all they are on the best terms in the world ! I do not by any means pretend to claim the merit of having made the above discovery. It has, in fact, long been secretly acted upon by certain enlightened cabinets, and is, together with divers other notable theories, privately copied out of the oomroonplaoe book of an illustrious gentleman, who has been member of congress, and enjoyed the unlimited confidence <^ heads of departments. To this principle may be escribed the wonderful ingenuity shown of Lite years in protracting and interrupting negotiations. Hence the cunning measure of appointing as ambassador some political pettifogger skilled in delays, sophisms, and misapprehensions, and dexterous in the art of baffling argument; or some blundering statesman, whose errors and misconstructions ma, be a plea for refusing to ratify his engagements. And hence, too, that most notable expedient, so popular with our government, of sending out a brace of ambassadors, between whom, having each an indi- vidual will to consult, character to establish, and interest to S remote, you may as well look for unanimity and concord aa etween two lovers with one mistress, two dogs with one [bookvv ke in the peaceful Ivantflges r force of hwayman icen, con- t of that violence, said to be open, and kipultfUons eiac limits ted in our hope and lationi are I professing IX, making diplomatic lanreUouslT ,. Thus It go good an •e is a little m no terms it of having sen secretly is, together 1 out of the 10 has been tnfideneeof isoribedthe racting and [measure of irskUledin irotts in the 1 statesman, [or refusing tost notable iding out a ;h an indi- interest to concord at CHAP. IV.] PETER SrUTVESANT. 168 bone, or two naked rogues with one pair of breeches. This disagreement, therefore, is continually breeding delays and impediments, in consequence of which the negotiation «;oe9 on swiiuroingly, inasmuch as there is no prospect of its ever coming to a close. .Nothing is lost by thesu delays and ob- stacles but time ; and in a negotiation, according to the theory I have exposed, all time lost is in reality so much time gained : with what delightful paradoxes does modem political economy abound ! Now all that I have here advanced is so notoriously true, that 1 almost blush to take up the time of my readers with treating of matters which must many n time have stared them in the face. But the proposition to which I would most earnestly call their attention is this, that though a negotiation be the most harmonising of nil national transactions, yet a treaty of peace is a great political evil, and one of the most fruitful sources of war. I have rarely seen an instance of any special contract be- tween individuals that did not produce jealousies, bickerings, and often downright ruptures between them ; nor did I ever know of a treaty between two nations that did not occasion continual misunderstandings. How many worthy country neighbours have I known, who, after living in peace and good fellowship for years, have been thrown into a state of distrust, cavilling, and animosity, by some ill-starred agreement about fences, runs of water, and stray cattle I And how many well* meaning nations, who would otherwise have remained m the most amicable disposition towards each other, have been brought to swords* points about the infringement or miscon- steuction of some treaty, which in an evil hour they had concluded, by way of making their amity more sure ! Treaties at best are but complied with so long as interest requires their fulfilment; consequently they are virtually binding on the weaker party only, or, in plain truth, they are not tnnding at all. No nation will wantonly go to war with another if it has nothing to gain thereby, and therefore needs no treaty to restrain it from violence ; and if it have any thing to gain, I much question, from what I have witneosed ne which my fur- s invaluable, that in those tremen- ly rehearse, there Celling scourings, tern frontiers by ;e that mirror of ilcave these petty [historian, while! ' .ments of higher Ml and portentotti UilofthelesgM. Recast, menacing J I call, therefore, , piatry hrtwli of ,iwith me to the e, will be wofttlly| [si chop**'' CHAP, v.] PETKR 8TUTTK8ANT. CHAP. V. 165 That the render may be aware of the peril at this moment menacing Peter Stuy vesant and his capital, I must remind him of the old charge advanced in the council of the lengiie in the time of William the Testy, that the Nederlanders were earrj- ing on a trade "damnable and injurious to the colonists," in furnisliing the savages with *' guns, powther, and shott.** This, as I then suggested, was a crafty device of the Yankee confede- racy to have a snug cause of war in petto^ in case any favour- able opportunity should present of attempting the conquest of the New-Nederlands, the great object of Yankee ambition. Accordingly we now find, when every other ground of complaint had apparently been removed by treaty, this ne- farious charge revived with tenfold viruUincc, nnd hurled like a thunderbolt at the very head of IVtcr Stuy vesant ; happily his head, like that of the great bull of the Wabash, was proof against such missiles. To be explicit, we are told that, in the year 1651, the great confederacy of the ea^t accused the immacnlnte Peter, the soul vif honour and heart of steel, of secretly endeavouring, by gifts and promises, to instigate the Narruheganset, Mo- haquc, and Pequot Indians to surprise and massacre the Yankee settlements. ** For," as the grand council observed, '* the Indians round about ibr divers hundred miles cercute seeme to have drunk deepe of an intoxicating cupp, att or from the Manhattoes against the English, whoe have sought their good, both in bodily and spirituall respects. ' This charge they pretended to support by the evidence of di« vers Indians, who were probably moved by that spirit of truth which is said to reside in the bottle, and who swore to the fact as sturdily as though they hod been so many Christian troopers. Though descended from a family which suffered much in- jury from the losel Yankees of those times, my great-grand- father having had a yoke of oxen and his best pacer stolen, and having received a pair of block eyes and a blooity nose in one of these border wars ; and my grandfather, when a very little l>oy tending pigs, having been kidnapped and severely flogged by a long-sided Connecticut schoolmaster — yet I should have passed over all these wrongs with forgiveness and oblivion— > I could even have suffered them to have broken Everet Ducking's head ; to have kicked the doughty Jacobus M S I ti\ ■i I fUtl! i" 1.1 IHii '3 111 4 ! ITT I IIISTORT Of NEW-YORK. [bOOK V. Van Curlet and his ragged regiment out of doors ; to have carried every hog into cuptivity, and depopulated every hen- roost on the face of the earth with perfect impunity— -but this wanton attaciv upon one of the most gallant and irre- proachable heroes of modern times, is too much even for roe to digest ; and hns overset, with a single puflT, the patience of the historian, and the forbearance of the Dutchman. Oh reader, it was false I I swear to thee, it was false ! If thou hast any respect to my word, if the undeviating cha- racter for veracity, which I have endeavoured to maintain throughout this work, has its due weight with thee, thou wilt Qot give thy faith to this talu of slander; for I pledge my. honour and my immortal fame to thee, that the gallant Peter Stuyvesant was nut only innocent of this foul c^qspiraoy, but Would have suffered his right arm, or even his wooden 1^, to consume with slow and everlasting Hames, rather than at- tempt to destroy his enemies in any other way than open, generous warfare ; beshrew those caitiff scouts, that conspired to sully his honest name by such an imputation ! Peter Stuyvesant, though haply he may never have heard of a knight'Crraiit, had as true a heart of chivalry as ever beat at the round table of King Arthur. In the honest bosom of this heroic Dutchman dwelt the seven noble virtues of knight- hood, flourishing among his hardy qualities like wild flowers among rocks. He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry struck off by nature at a single heat, and though little care may have been taken to reflne her workmanship, he stood fortli a miracle of her skill. In all his dealings he wos headstrong perhaps, but open and above board ; if there was any thing in the whole world he most loathed and despised, it was cunning and secret wile ; *' straight forward" was his motto, and he would at any time rather run his hard head against a stone wall than attempt to get round it. ■ Such was Peter Stuyvesant, and if my admiration of him hM on this occasion transported my style beyond the sober gravity which becomes the philosophic recorder of historic events, I must plead as an apology, that tkiough a little grey- headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the down-hill of life, I still retain a lingering spark of that fire which kindles in the eye of youth when contemplating the virtues of ancient wor- thies, lilessed thrice, and nine times blessed be the good St. Nicholas, if 1 have indeed escaped that apathy which chills the sympathies of age, and paralyses every glow of enthusiasm. CHAP, y.] PKTSB 8TUTVE8ANT. Wi I The firet measure of Peter StuyveMnt, on hearing of this slanderous charge, would have been worth;' of a man who had studied for years in the chivalrous library of Don Quixote. Drawing his sword and laying it across the table, to put him in pro{)er tune, he took pen in hand and indited a proud and lofty letter to the council of the league, reproaching them with giving ear to the slanders of heathen savages against a Chris- tian, a soldier, and a cavalier ; declaring that whoever charged him with the plot in question, lied in bis throat ; to prove which he offered to meet the president of the council, or any of his compeers ; or their champion. Captain Alexander Par- tridge, that mighty man of Rhodes, in single combat; wherein he trusted to vindicate his honour by the prowess of his arm. . This missive was intrusted to his trumpeter and squire, An- tony Van Corlear, that man of emergencies, witii orders to tra- Tel night and day, sparing neither whip nor spur, seeing that he carried the vindication of his patron's fume in his saddle-bags. The loyal Antony accomplished his mission with great speed and considerable loss of leather. He delivered hif missive with becoming ceremony, accompanying it with a flourish of defiance on his trumpet to the whole council, end- ing with a significant and nasal twang full in the face of Captain Partridge, who nearly jumped out of his akin in an ecstasy of astonishment. The grand council was composed of men too cool and prac- tical to be put readily in a heat, or to indulge in knight- errantry ; and above all to run a tilt with such a fiery hero as Peter the Headstrong. They knew the advantage, how- ever, to have always a snug, justifiable cause of war in re- serve with a neighbour, who had territories worth invading ; so they devised a reply to Peter Stuyvesant, calculated to keep up the *'raw" which they had establislied. On receiving this answer, Antony Van Corlear remounted tlio Flanders mare which he always rode, and trotted merrily back to the Manhattoes, solacing himself by the way aoc(Mrd- ing to hit wont ; twanging his trumpet like a very devil, so that the sweet valleys and banks of the Connecticut resounded with the warlike melody ; bringing all the folks to the win- dows as he passed through Hartford and Pyquag and Mid- dletown, and all the other border towns ; ogling and winking at the women, and making aerial windmills from the end of hia nose at their husbands t and stopping occasionally in the M 4 I If m B ti: lii f'lt'l » f; 1^ mSTOBT OF KEW-TOBK. [bOOK V* Tillages to eat pumpkin-pies, dance at country frolics, and bundle with the Yankee lasses, whom he rejoiced exceed- ingly with his soul-stirring instrument. CHAP. VI. The reply of the grand council to Peter Stuyvesant was couched in the coolest and most diplomatic language. They assured him that ** his confident denials of the barbarous plot alleged against him would weigh little against the testimonj of £vers sober and respectable Indians ;" that " his guilt was proved to their perfect satisfaction," so that they must still require and seek due satisfaction and security; ending with —"so we rest, sir — Yours in ways of righteousness." I forbear to say how the lion-hearted Peter roared and rainped at finding himself more and more entangled in the meshes thus artfully drawn round him by the knowing Yankees. Impatient, however, of suffering so gross an as- persion to rest upon his honest name, he sent a second mes* senger to the council, reiterating his denial of the treachery imputed to him, and offering to submit his conduct to the scrutiny of a court of honour. His offer was readily accepted ; and now he looked forward with confidence to an august tri* buual to be assembled at the Manhattoes, formed of high- minded cavaliers, peradventure governors and commanders of the confederate plantations, where the matter might be inves- tigated by his peers, in a manner befitting his rank and dignity. While he was awaiting the arrival of such high function- aries, behold, one sunshiny afternoon there rode into the great gate of the Manhattoes two lean, hungry-looking Yankees, mounted on Narraganset pacers, with saddle-bngs under their bottoms, and green satchels under their arms, who looked marvellously like two pettifogging attorneys beating the hooif from one county court to anotlier in quest of lawsuits ; and,, in sooth, though they may have passed under different names at the time, I have reason to suspect they were the identical varlets who had negotiated the woithy Dutch commissioners out of the CJonnecticut river. It was a rule with these indefatigable missionaries never to let the grass grow under their feet. Scarce had they, there- fore^ Alighted at the inn and deposited their saddle-bags, than at CHAP. Vn.] ' PETER STinryESANT. 169 they made their way to the residence of the governor. Tliey found him, according to custom, smoking his afternoon pipe on the " stoop," or bench at the porch of his house, and an* nounced themselves, at once, as commissioners sent by the grand council of the east to investigate the truth of certain charges advanced against him. The good Peter took his pipe from his mouth, and gazed at them for a moment in mute astonishment. By way of ex- pediting business, they were proceeding on the spot to put some preliminary questions; asking him, peradventurc, whether he pleaded guilty or not guilty, considering him some- thing in the light of a culprit at the bar ; when they were brought to a pause by seeing him lay down his pipe and begin to fumble with his walking-staff. For a moment those present would not have given half a crown for both the crowns of the commissioners; but Peter Stuyvesant repressed his mighty wrath and stayed his hand ; he scanned the varlets from head to foot, satchels and all, with a look of ineffable scorn ; then strode into the house, slammed the door after him, and com- manded that they should never again be admitted to his presence. The knowing commissioners winked to each other, and made a certificate on the spot that the governor had refused to answer their interrogatories, or to submit to their ex- amination. They then proceeded to rummage about the city for two or three days, in quest of what th^y called evidence, perplexing Indians and old women with i.c'r cross^question- ing until they had stuffed their satchels ana saddle-bags with all kinds of apocryphal tales, rumours, and calumnies ; with these they mounted their Narraganset pacers, and travelled back to the grand council; neither did the proud-hearted Peter trouble himself to hinder their researches nor impede their departure ; he was too mindful of their sacred character as envoys ; but I warrant me had they played the same tricka with William the Testy, he would have had them tucked up by the waistband, and treated to an aerial gambol on his patent gallows. CHAP. VII. The grand council of the east held a solemn meeting on the return of their envoys. As no advocate appeared in behalf 'i ■If ■ IM-J 'i!l;'1 ills . i.; ;■ : ~'H ■-r I, \* r V«'^^-*V.t'»*lfltr^^ iT I ft ii^ll M i m fW tH t'M 170 HUTORT OF MKHT-TORK. [book Y. of Peter Stayvesant, everything went against him. His haughty refusal to submit to the questioning of the conunis- aioners was construed into a consciousness of guilt. The contents of the satchels and saddle-bags were poured forth before the council, and appeared a mountain of evidence. A pale bilious orator took the floor, and declaimed for hours and in belligerent terms. He was one of those furious zealots who blow the bellows of faction until the whole furnace of politico ift red-hot with sparks and cinders. What was it to him if he should set the house on fire, so that he might boil his pot by the blaze ? He was from the borders of Connecticut ; hia constituents lived by marauding their Dutch neighbours, and were the greatest poachers in Ciiristendom, excepting the Scotch border nobles. His eloquence had itsefiect, and it was determined to set on foot an expedition against the Nieuw- Nederlands. It was necessary, however, to prepare the public mind for this measure. Accordingly the arguments of the orator were echoed from the pulpit for several succeeding Sundays, and a crusade was preached up against Peter Stuyvesant and his devoted city. This is the first we hear of the " drum ecclesiastic ** beating up for recruits in worldly warfare in our country. It has since been called into frequent use. A cunning politician often lurks under the clerical robe ; things spiritual and things temporal are strangely jumbled together, like drugs on an apothecary's shell'; and instead of a peaceful sermon, the simple seeker after righteousness has often a political pamphlet thrust down hia throat, labelled with a pious text from Scripture. And now nothing was talked of but an ezpcMlition against the Manhattoes. It pleased the populace, who had a vehement prejudice against the Dutch, considering them a vastly inferior race, who had sought the new world for the lucre of gain, not the liberty of conscience ; who were mere heretics and infidels, inasmuch as they refused to believe in witches and sea-ser- pents, and had faith in the virtues of horse-shoes nailed to the door ; ate pork without molasses ; held pumpkins in contempt^ and were in perpetual breach of the eleventh commandment of all true Yankees, " Thou shalt have codfish dinners on Saturdays." ' No sooner did Peter Stuyvesant get wind of the storm that Has brewing in the east, than he set to work to prepare for it. we WHS not one of those economical rulers, who postpone the CHAP, vn.] I>BTSR 8TUTV£8AMT. in expense of fortifying until the enemj is at the door. There is iiotliing, he would say, that keeps off enemies and crows more than the smell of gunpowder. He proceeded, therefore, with all diligence, to put the province and its metropolis in a posture of defence. Among the remnants which remained from the dajs of William the Testy, were the militia laws ; by which the in- habitants were obliged to turn out twice a year, with sucb military equipments as it pleased God ; and were put under the command of tailors and man^milliners, who, though on ordinary occasions they might have been the meekest, most pippin-hearted little men in the world, were very devils at parades, when they had cocked hats on their heads and swords by their sides. Under the instructions of these |)eriodical warriors, the peaceful burghers of the Manhattoes were schooled in iron war, and became so hardy in the process of time, that they could march through sun and rain, from one end of the town to the other, without flinching ; and so in- trepid and adroit, that they could face to the right, wheel to the left, and fire without winking or blinking. Peter Stuyvesant, like all old soldiers who have seen service and smelt gunpowder, had no great respect for militift troops ; however, he determined to give them a trial, and ac- cordingly called for a general muster, inspection, and review. But, oh Mars and Bellona I what a turning out was here I Here came old Roelant Cuckaburt, with a short blunderbuss on his shoulder, and a long horseman's sword trailing by his side ; and Barent Dirkson, with something that lookeid like a copper kettle turned upside down on his head, and a couple 6f old horse-pistols in his belt ; and Dirk Yolkertson, with s long duck fowling-piece without any rauurod; and a host more, armed higgledy-piggledy with swords, hatchets, snicker- snees, crowbars, broomsticks, and what not ; the officers dis- tinguished from the rest by having their slouched hats cocked up with pins, and surmounted with cocktail feathers. The sturdy Peter eyed this nondescript host with some such rueful aspect as a man would eye the devil, and deter- mined to give his feather-bed soldiers a seasoning. He ac- cordingly put them through their manual exercise over and over again j trudged them backwards and forwards about the streets of New-Amsterdam, until their short legs ached and their fat sides sweated again, and finally encamped them in the evening on the summit of a hill without the city, to give ?f- ; Hi 172 XnSTORT OF NSW-TORK. [book V. them a taste of camp life, intending the next day to reneur the toils and perils of the field. But so it came to pass that in the night there fell a great and heavy rain, and melted away the army, so that in the morning when Gaffer Phcebus shed his first beams upon the camp scarce a warrior remained, excepting Peter Stuyvesant and his trumpeter Van Corlear. This awful desolation of a whole army would have appalled a commander of less nerve ; but it served to confirm Peter's want of confidence in the militia system, which he thencefor- ward used to call, in joke — for he sometimes indulged in a joke — William the Testy's broken reed. He now took into his service a goodly number of burly, broad-shouldered, broad-bottomed Dutchmen ; whom he paid in good silver and gold, and of whom he boasted that, whether they could stand fire or not, they were at least water-proof. He fortified the city, too, with pickets and pallisadoes, ex- tending across tlie island from river to river ; and, above all, cast up mud batteries or redoubts on the point of the island, where it divided the beautiful bosom of the bay. These latter redoubts, in process of time, came to be plea- santly overrun by a carpet of grass and clover, and oversha- dowed by wide-spreading elms and sycamores ; among the branches of which the birds would build their nests and re- joice the ear with their melodious notes. Under these trees, too, the old burghers would smoke their afternoon pipe ; con- templating the golden sun as he sank in the west, an emblem of the tranquil end toward which they were declining. Here, too, would the young men and maidens of the town take their evening stroll, watching the silver moonbeams as they trem- bled along the calm bosom of the bay, or lit up the sail of some gliding bark, and peradventure interchanging the soft vows of honest affection ; for to evening strolls in this favoured spot were traced most of the marriages in New- Amsterdam. ' Such was the origin of that renowned promenade. The Battebt, which, though ostensibly devoted to the stern pur- poses of war, has ever been consecrated to the sweet delights of peace. The scene of many a gambol in happy childhood — of many a tender assignation in riper years — of many a soothing walk in declining age — the healthful resort of the feeble invalid — the Sunday refreshment of the dusty trades- man — in fine, the ornament and delight of New-York, and the pride of the lovely island of Manna-hata. [book v. to renew ) pass that nd melted if Phcebuft ' remained, a Corlear. ire appalled rm Peter's thencefor- lulged in a ff took into shouldered, 1 silver and could stand isadoes, ex- d, above all, theisU&nd, J to be plea- ind oversha- among the ests and re- these trees, pipe ; con- an emblem [ning. Here, n take their they trem- the sail of >ing the soft [his favoured isterdam. lenade, The . stern pur* eet delights y childhood of many a trt of the iusty trades- York, and CIIAF. vin.] PETEB 8TUYVE8AKT. CHAP. vin. m Hating thus provided for the temporary security of New- Amsterdnm, nnd gunrded it against any sudden surprise, the gallant Peter took a hearty pinch of snuflT, and snnpping his fingers, set the great council of Amphictyons and their cham- pion, the redoubtable Alicxsander Partridg, at defiance. In the meantime the moss-troopers of Connecticut, the warriors of New Haven and Hartford, and Pyquag — otherwise called Weathersfield, famous for its onions and its witches — and of all the other border towns, were in a prodigious turmoil, fur- bishing up their rusty weapons, shouting aloud for war, and anticipating easy conquests and glorious rummaging of the fat little Dutch villages. In the midst of these warlike preparations, however, they received the chilling news that the colony of Massachusetts refused to back them in this righteous war. It seems that the gallant conduct of Peter Stuyvesant, the generous warmth of his vindication, and the chivalrous spirit of his defiance, though lost upon the grand council of the league, had carried convic- tion to the general court of Massachusetts, which nobly refused to believe him guilty of the villanous plot laid at his door.* The defection of so important a colony paralysed the coun- cils of the league. Some such dissension arose among its mem- bers as prevailed of yore in the camp of the brawling warriors of Greece, and in the end the crusade against the Manhattoes was abandoned. It is said that the moss-troopers of Connecticut were sorely disappointed ; but well for them that their belligerent crav- ings were not gratified, for, by my faith, whatever might have been the ultimate result of a conflict with all the powers of the east, in the interim the stomachfnl heroes of Pyquag would have been choked with their own onions, and all the border towns of Connecticut would have had such a scouring from the lion-hearted Peter and his robustious myrmidons, that I warrant me they would not have had the stomach to wiuat on the land, or invade the henroost of a Nederlander for a century to come. But it was not merely the refusal of Massachusetts to join * Hanrd'i State Fspen. I r i ■■■•'■ i*i ft ■ill I' ,i iSlI m 174 mSTOBT OF NEW-TORK. [book V. in their unholy crusade that confounded the councils of the league ; for about this time broke out in the New-England provinces the awful plague of witchcraft, which spread like pestilence through the land. Such a howling abomination could not be suffered to remain long unnoticed ; it soon ex- cited the fiery indignation of those guardians of the common- wealth, who whilom had evinced such active benevolence in the conversion of Quaker's and Anabaptists. The grand council of the league publicly set their faces against the '^rime, and bloody laws were enacted against all ** solem con- versing or compacting with the divil by the way of con- juracion or the like." * Strict search too was made after witches, who were easily detected by devil's pinches ; by being able to weep but three tears, and those out of the left eye ; and by having a most suspicious predilection for black cats and broomsticks ! What is particularly worthy of admiration is, that this terrible art, which has baffled the studies and re> searches of philosophers, astrologers, theurgists, and other •ages, was chiefly confined to the most ignorant, decrepid, and ugly old women in the community, with scarce more braina than the broomsticks they rode upon. When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who dearly love to be in a panic, are always ready to keep it up. Raise but the cry of yellow fever, and immediately every head-ache, indigestion, and overflowing of the bile is pronounced the ter- rible epidemic ; cry out mad dog, and every unlucky cur in the street is in jeopardy : so in the present instance, whoever was troubled with colic or lumbago was sure to be bewitched ; and woe to any unlucky old woman living in the neighbourhood. It is incredible the number of offences that were detected, " for every one of which," says the reverend Cotton Mather, in that excellent work, the History of New-England, " we have such a sufficient evidence, that no reasonable man in this whole country ever did question them ; and it will be unreo' sonabU to do it in any other." ^ Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, John Josse- lyn, gent., furnishes us with unquestionable facts on this subject. " There are none," observes he, ** that beg in this country, but there be witches too many — bottle-bellied witches and others, that produce many strange apparitions, if • New FlTmoath Record. f Mather*! Hut New Eng. h. ti ch. 7. CHAP. VlTI.j PETER STUTWKAKT. 17« yon will believe report, of a shallop at f«ea manned with women — and of a ship and great red horse standing by the main-mast; the ship being in a small cove to the eastward vanished of a sudden," etc. The number of delinquents, however, and their magical de- vices, were not more remarkable than their diabolical obsti- nacy. Though exhorted in the most solemn, persuasive, and affectionate manner, to confess themselves guilty, and be burnt for the good of religion, and the entertainment of the public, yet did they most pertinaciously persist in assert- ing their innocence. Such incredible obstinacy was in itself deserving of immediate punishment, and was sufficient proof, if 'proof were necessary, that they were in league with the devil, who is perverseness itself. But their judges were just and merciful, and were determined to punish none that were not convicted on the best of testimony ; not that they needed any evidence to satisfy their own minds, for, like true and experienced judges, their minds were perfectly made up, and they were thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of tlie prisoners before they proceeded to try them : but still something was necessary to convince the community at large, to quiet those prying quidnuncs who should come after them ; in short, the world must be satisfied. Oh the world ! the world ! all the world knows the world of trouble the world is eternally occa- sioning! The worthy judges, therefore, were driven to the necessity of sifting, detecting, and making evident as noon- day, matters which were at the commencement all clearly understood and firmly decided upon in their own pericra- niums ; so that it may truly be said, that the witches were burnt to gratify the populace of the day, but were tried for the satisfaction of the whole world that should come after them. Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, sound reason, nor friendly entreaty had any avail on tlicse hardened of- fenders, they resorted to the more urgent arguments of tor- ture ; and having thus absolutely wrung the truth from their stubborn lips, they condemned them to undergo the roasting due unto the heinous crimes they had confessed. Some even carried their perverseness so for as to expire under the tor- ture, protesting their innocence to the last ; but these were looked upon as thoroughly and absolutely |)ossessed by th« devil, and the pious bystanders only lamented that they had not lived a little longer to have perished in the flames. ^ r :'. 176 HISTORY OP NEW-TORK. [book r. ! m i In the city of Kphesus, we are told that the plague was expelled by stoning a ragged old beggar to death, whom Apollonitis pointed out as being the evil spirit that caused it, and who actually showed himself to be a demon, by changing into a shagged dog. In like manner, and by measures equally sagacious, a salutary check was given to this grow, ing evil. The witches were all burnt, banished, or panic- struck, and in a little while there was not an ugly old woman to be found throughout New-England; which is doubtless one reason why all the young women there are so handsome. Those honest folk who had suffered from their incantations gradually recovered, excepting such as had been afflicted with twitches and aches, which, however, assumed the less alarm- ing aspects of rheumatism, sciatics, and lumbagos ; and the good people of New-England, abandoning the study of the occult sciences, turned their attention to the more profitable hocus pocus of trade, and soon became expert in the legerde- main art of turning a penny. Still, however, a tinge of the old leaven is discernible, even unto this day, in their cha- racters ; witches occasionally start up among them in dif- ferent disguises, as physicians, civilians, and divines. The people at large show a keenness, a cleverness, and a pro- fundity of wisdom, that savours strongly of witchcraft ; and it has been remarked, that whenever any stones fall from the moon, the greater part of them is sure to tumble into New -England. CHAP. IX. When treating of these tempestuous times, the unknown writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into an apo- strophe in praise of the good St. Nicholas, to whose protect- ing care he ascribes the dissensions which broke out in the council of the league, .md the direful witchcraft which filled all Yankee land as with Egyptian darkness. A portentous gloom, says he, hung lowering over the fair valleys of the east : the pleasant banks of the Connecticut no longer echoed to the sounds of rustic gaiety ; grisly phan- toms glided about each wild brook and silent glen ; fearful apparitions were seen in the air ; strange voices were heard in solitary places ; and the border-towns were so occupied in detecting and punishing losel witches, that, for a time, all [book V. ague was til, whom caused it, changing measures his grow- er panic- »ld woman doubtless handsome, icantations licted with [ess alarra- s; and the udy of the B profitable he legerde- inge of the I their cha- lem in dif- rines. The and a pro- icraft; and iS fall from ;umble into CHAP. IX.] PETER 8TUYVESANT. 177 talk of war was suspended, and New- Amsterdam and itii in* habitants seemed to be totally forgotten. I must not conceal the fact, that at one time there wns some danger of this plague of witchcraft extending into tliu New-Netherlands ; and certain witches, mounted on broom- sticks, are said to have been seen whisking in the air over some of the Dutch villages near the borders ; but the worthy Nederlanders took the precaution to nail horseshoes to their doors, which it is well known are eifectual barriers against all diabolical vermin of the kind. Many of those horseshoes may be seen at this very day on ancient mansions and barns, remaining from the days of the patriarchs ; nay, the custom is still kept up among some of our legitimate Dutch yeomanry, who inherit from their forefathers a desire to keep witches and Yankees out of the country. And now the great Peter, having no immediate hostility to apprehend from the east, turned his face, with characteristic vigilance, to his southern frontiers. The attentive reader will recollect that certain freebooting Swedes had become very troublesome in this quarter in the latter part of the reign of William the Testy, setting at naught the proclamations of that veritable potentate, and putting his admiral, the intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendam, to a perfect nonplus. To check the incursions of these Swedes, Peter Stuyvesant now ordered a force to that frontier, giving the command of it to General Jacobus Van Potfenburgh, an officer who had risen to great importance during the reign of Wilhelmus Kieft. He h.\d, if histories speak true, been second in command to tlie doughty Van Curlet, when he and his warriors were inhu- manly Ricked out of Fort Goed Hoop by the Yankees. In that memorable affair Van Poffenburgh is said to have re- ceived more kicks, in a certain honourable part, than any of his comrades; in consequence of which, on the resignation of Van Curlet, he had been promoted to his place, being considered a hero who had seen service, and suffered in his country's cause. It is tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that heaven infuses into some men at their birth a portion of intellecttinl gold ; into others, of intellectual silver; while others are intid- lectually furnished with iron and brass. Of the last class was General Van Poffenburgh, and it would seem as if Dame Nature, who will sometimes be partial, had given him brass enough for a dox«n ordinary bnuders. All this ho had con- N i' ' i I I i« ', I ii 178 III6T0RY OF NEW-YOBK. [bOOK V. trivcd to pass off upon Willinm the Testy for genuine gold ; and the little governor would sit for hours and listen to his gunpowder stories of exploits, which left those of Tirante the "White, Don Belianis of Greece, or St. George and the Dragon, quite in the background. Having been promoted by \V illiani Kieft to the command of his whole disposable forces, he gave importance to his station by the grandilo- quence of his bulletins, always styling himself Commander- iu'chief of the armies of the New-Netherlands ; though in sober truth these Armies were nothing more than a handful of hcn-Btealing, bottle-bruising ragamuffins. In person he was not very tall, but exceedingly round ; neither did his bulk proceed from his being fat, but windy ; being blown up by n prodigious conviction at* his own impor- tance, until he resembled one of those bags of wind given by ^olus, in an incredible fit of generosity, to that vagabond war- rior, Ulysses. His windy endowments had long excited the admiration of Antony Van Corlear, who is said to have hinted more than once to William the Testy, that in making Van Pofionburgh a general, he had spoiled an admirable trumpeter. As it is the practice in ancient story to give the reader a description of the arms and equipments of every noted war- rior, I will bestow a word upon the dress of this redoubtable commander. It comported with his character, being so crobced and slashed, and embroidered with lace and tinsel, that he seemed to have as much brass without, as nature had stored away within. He was swathed too in a crimson sash, of the size and texture of u fishing-net ; doubtless to keep his swelling heart from bursting through his ribs. His face glowed with furnace heat from between a huge pair of well- powdered whiskers ; and his valorous soul seemed ready to bounce out of a pair of large, glassy, blinking eyes, project- ing like those of a lobster. I swear to thee, worthy reader, if history and tradition be- lie not this warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket to havu seen hint accoutred cap-a-pie — booted to the middle — saslied to the chin — collared to the ears — wiskercd to the teeth — crowned with an overshadowing cocked hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches broad, from which trailed a fulcliion, of a length that I dare not mention. Thus equipped, he strutted about, as bitter-looking a man of war as the fur-fumed More, of More Hall, when he sallied forth to slay the Dragon of Wantley. For what says the ballad ? I [book v. enuine gold ; listen to his e of Tirante orge and the een promoted )le disposable the grandilo- • Commander- Is; though in ;han a handful (lingly round ; at, but windy ; liis own impor- wind given by , vagabond war- ong excited the a to have hinted in making Van i-able trumpeter, ve the reader a very noted war- this redoubtable acter, being so |lace and tinsel, it, as nature had a crimson sash, itless to keep his ' ribs. His face jge pair of well- seemed ready to ig eyes, project- CHAP. DC.] FETER STUTVE8ANT. 179 ** Had you but seen him in this drcR>, How fierce he looked and how hip, Tou wouM have thought him for to \k Some Egyptiftn porcupig. He frighted all — cati". dogs, and all. Each cow, each hone, and each hrg ; For fear they did flee, for they took him to lie Some strange outlandish hedgehog."* I must confess this general, with all his outward valour and ventosity, was not exactly an officer to Peter Stuyvesant's taste, but he stood foremost in the army list of William the Testy, and it is probable the good Peter, who was conscien- tious in his dealings with all men, and had his military no* tions of precedence, thought it but fair to give him a chance of proving his right to his dignities. To this copper captain, therefore, was confided the com- mand of the troops destined to protect the southern frontier; and scarce had he departed from his station than bulletins began to arrive from him, describing his undaunted march through savage deserts, over insurmountable mountains, across impassable rivers, and through impenetrable forests, conquering vast tracts of uninhal ted country, and encoun- tering more perils than did Xenophon in his far-famed retreat with his ten thousand Grecians. Peter Stuyvesant read all these grandiloquent dispatches with a dubious screwing of the mouth and shaking of the head ; but Antony Van Corlear repeated these contents in the streets and market-places with an appropriate flourish upon his trumpet, and the windy victories of the general re- sounded through the streets of New-Amsterdam. On arriving at the southern frontier, Van Poifenburgh proceeded to erect a fortress, or strong-hold, on the South or Delaware river. At first he bethought him to call it Fort- Stuyvesant, in honour of the governor, a lowly kind of ho- mage prevalent in our country among speculators, military commanders, and ofiice-seekers of all kinds, by which our maps come to be studded with the names of political patrons and temporary great men ; in the present instance, Van Pof > fenbui^h carried his homage to the most lowly degree, giving his fortress the name of Fort Casimir, in honour, it is said, of a fftvourite pair of brimstone trunk-breeches of his excellency. * Ballad of Dragcm of Wantl«y. M t t : m r > 11 180 UISTORY OP NEW-YORK. [bookv. As this furt will be found to give rise to important events, it may be worth while to notice that it was afterwards called Nieuvv-Ambtel, and was the germ of the present Hourisliing town of New-Castle, or, more properly speaking, No Castle, there being nothing of ttie kind on tiie premises. His fortress being Hnished, it would have done any man's heart good to behold the swelling dignity with which the general would stride in and out a dozen times a day, survey- ing it in front and in rear, on this side and on that ; how Le would strut backwards and forwards, in full regimentals, on the top of the ramparts ; like a vain-glorious cock-pigeon, swelling and vapouring on the top of a dovecote. There is a kind of valorous spleen which, like wind, is apt to grow unruly in the stoniaciis of newly made soldiers, com- pelling them to box-lobby brawls and broken-headed quar- rels, unless there can be found some more harmless way to give it vent. It is recorded, in the delectable romance of Pierce Forest, that a young knight, being dubbed by King Alexander, did incontinently gallop into an adjacent forest and belabour the trees with such might and main, that he not merely eased oti' the sudden etfervescence of his valour, but convinced the whole court that he was the most potent and courageous cavalier on the face of the earth. In like manner the commander of Fort Casimir, when he found his martial spirit waxing too hot within him, would sally forth into the fields and lay about him most lustily with his sabre ; decapi- tating cabbages by platoons ; hewing down lofty sunflowers, which he termed gigantic Swedes ; and if, perchance, he espied a colony of big-bellied pumpkins quietly basking in the sun, "Ah! cuitill' Yankees !" would he roar, **have I caught ye at last?" SSo saying, with one sweep of his sword, he would cleave the unhappy vegetables from their chins to their waist- bands ; by which warlike havoc, his choler being in some sort allayed, he would return into the fortress with the full con- viction that he was a very miracle of military prowess. He was a disciplinarian, too, of the first order. Woo to any unlucky soldier who did not hold up his head and turn out his toes when on parade ; or, who did not salute the general in proper style as he passed. Having one day, in his Bible researches, encountered the history of Absalom and his me* lancholy end, the general bethought him that, in a country ■bounding with forests, his soldiers were in constant risk of CHAP. IX.] PETEB 8TFYVESANT. 181 o like cntastrophc; he therefore, in nn evil hour, isstied orders for cropping the hair of both oflScers and men through- out the pnrrison. Now go it happened, that amon^ his officers was a sturdy veteran named Keldermeester ; who had cherished, through a long life, a mop of hair not a little resembling the shng of a Newfoundland dog, terminating in a queue like the handle of n frying-pan, and queued so tightly to his head that his «ye8 and mouth generally stood ajar, and his eyebrows were drawn up to the top of his forehead. It moy naturally be fiupposed that the possessor of so goodly an appendage would resist with abhorrence an order condemning it to the shears. On hearing the general orders, he discharged a tempest of veteran, soldier-like oaths, and dunder and blixums — swore he would break any man's head who attempted to meddle ■with his tail — queued it stiifer than ever, and whisked it about the garrison as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile. The eelskin queue of old Keldermeester became instantly an affair of the utmost importance. The commander- in-chief was too enlightened an officer not to perceive that the disci- pline of the garrison, the subordination and good order of the armies of the Nieuw-Nederlonds, the consequent safety of the whole province, and ultimately the dignity and prosperity of their High Mightinesses the Lords States General, impe- riously demanded the docking of that stubborn queue. He decreed, therefore, that old Keldermeester should be publicly shorn of his glories in presence of the whole garrison — the old man as resolutely stood on the defensive — whereupon he was arrested and tried by a court-martial for mutiny, de- sertion, and all the other list of offences noticed in the articles of war, ending with a " videlicet, in wearing an eelskin queue, three feet long, contrary to orders." Then came on ar- raignments, and trials, and pleadings ; and the whole garri- son was in a ferment about this unfortunate queue. As it is well known that the commander of a frontier post has the power of acting pretty much after his own will, there is little doubt but that the veteran would have been hanged or shot at least, had he not luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere chagrin and mortification — and deserted from all earthly command, with his beloved locks unviolnted. His obstinacy remained unshaken to the very last moment, when he directed M 3 I li^ . , '! i; ii 1 ■ mmmmmllm 182 HISTORY OF NEW- YORK. [nOOK VI. that he should be carried to his grave with his eelskin queae sticking out of a hole in his coffin. This magnanimous affair obtained the general great credit OS a disciplinarian ; but it is hinted that he was ever after- wards subject to bad dreams and fearful visitations in the night, when the grizzly spectrum of old Keldermeester would stand sentinel by his bedside, erect as a pump, his enormous queue strutting out like the handle. BOOK VI. y • :i i CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REION OF PETER THE HEADSTRONG, AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE. CHAPTER 1. Hitherto, most venerable and courteous reader, have I shown thee the administration of the valorous Stuyvesant, under the mild moonshine of peace, or rather the grim tranquillity of nwful expectation ; but now the war-drum rumbles from afar, the brazen trumpet brays its thrilling note, and the rude clash of hostile arms speaks fearful prophecies of coming troubles. The gallant warrior starts from soft repose — from golden visions and voluptuous ease ; where, in the dulcet, " piping time of peace," he sought sweet solace after all his toils. No more in beauty's siren lap reclined, he weaves fair garlands for his lady's brows; no more entwines with flowers his shining sword, nor through the livelong lazy summer's day (;hants forth his love-sick soul in madrigals. To manhood roused, he spurns the amorous flute ; doffs from his brawny, burk the robe of peace, and clothes his pampered limbs in panoply of steel. O'er liis dark brow, where late the myrtle waved, where wanton roses breathed enervate love, he rears the beaming casque and nodding plume ; grasps the bright shield, and shakes the ponderous lance ; or mounts with eager pride his fieiy steed, and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry! But soft, worthy reader! I would not have you imagine that any preux chevalier^ thus hideously begirt with iron, existed in the city of New-Ajtnstcrdam. This is but a lofty [book VI. siskin queae J great credit s ever atter- tions in the teester would lis enormo'J* CHAT. 1.3 r£TEB THE UEADSTROXG. 183 >F PBTBR THE ENXS ON THE ', have I shown lant, under the tranquillity of bles from afar, the rude clash ling troubles, .from golden licet, "piping his toils. No fair garlands Ih flowers his summer's day To manhood .. his brawny, lered limbs in ite the myrtle [love, he rears ;ps the bright lots with eager [ous chivalry! I you imagine irt with iron, is but a lofty and gigantic mode, in which we heroic writers always talk of war, thereby to give it a noble and imposing aspect ; equip- ping our warriors with bucklers, helms, and lances, and such like outlandish and obsolete weapons, the like of which |)er- chance they had never seen or heard of; in the same manner that a cunning statuary arrays a modern general or an admiral in the accoutrements of a Coisar or an Alexander. The simple truth, then, of all this oratorical flourish is this: that the valiant Peter Stuy vesant all of a sudden found it necessary to scour his rusty blade, which too long had rusted in its scab- bard, and prepare himself to undergo those hardy toils of war, in which his mighty soul so much delighted. Methinks I at this moment behold him in my imagination ; or rather, I behold his goodly portrait, which still hangs up in the family mansion of the Stuyvesants, arrayed in all the terrors of a true Dutch general. His regimental coat of Ger- man blue, gorgeously decorated with a goodly show of large brass buttons, reaching from his waistband to his chin ; the voluminous skirts turned up at the corners, and separating gallantly behind, so as to display the seat of a sumptuous pair of brimstone-coloured trunk-breeches, a graceful style still prevalent among the warriors of our day, and which is in conformity to the custom of ancient heroes, who scorned to defend themselves in rear. His face, rendered exceeding terrible and warlike by a pair of black mustachios ; his hair strutting out on each side in stifily pomatumed ear-locks, and descending in a rat-tail queue below his waist; a shining stock of black leather supporting his chin, and a little but fierce cocked hat, stuck with a gallant and fiery air over his left eye. Such was the chivalric port of Peter the Head- strong; and when ho made a sudden halt, planted himself firmly on his solid supporter, witli his wooden leg inliild with silver a little in advance, in order to strengthen his position, his right hand grasping a gold-headed cane, his left resting upon the pummel of his sword, his head dressing spiritedly to the right, with a most appalling and hard-favoured frown upon his brow, he presented altogether one of the most com- manding, bitter-looking, and soldier-like figures tiiat ever strutted upon canvas. Proceed we now to inquire the cause of this warlike preparation. In the preceding chapter we have spoken of the founling of Fort Cusimir, and of the merciless warfare wagetl by its N 4 k it . I! it mv» 184 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [book VI. commander upon cabbages, sunflowers, and pumpkins, for want of better occasion to flesh his sword. Now it came to pai^s that higher up the Delaware, at his strong-hold of Tin- nekonk, resided one Jan Printz, who styled himself Governor of New- Sweden. If history belie not this redoubtable Swede, he was a rival worthy of the windy and inflated commander of Fort Casimir ; for Master David Pieterzen de Vrie, in hia excellent book of voyages, describes him as '* weighing up- wards of four hundred pounds," a huge feeder, and bowser in proportion, taking three potations pottle-deep at every meal. He had a garrison after his own heart at Tinnekonk, guzzling, deep-drinking swashbucklers, who made the wild woods ring with their carousals. No sooner did vhis robustious commnndei* hear of the erection of Fort Casimir, th m he sent a message to Van Poflenburgh, warning him off the land, as being within the bounds of his jurisdiction. To this General Van Poifenburgh replied that the land belonged to their High Mightinesses, having been regularly purchased of the natives, as discoverers from the Manhattoes, as witness the breeches of their land measurer. Ten Broeck. To this the governor rejoined that the land had previously been sold by the Indians to the Swedes, and consequently was under the petticoat government of her Swedish majesty, Christiana; and woe be to any mortal that wore a breeches who should dare to meddle even with the hem of her sacred garment. I forbear to dilate upon the war of words which was kept up for some time by these windy commanders ; Van Poffen- burgh, however, had served under William the Testy, and was a veteran in this kind of warfare. Governor Printz, finding he was not to be dislodged by these long shots, now determined upon coming to closer quarters. Accordingly he descended the river in great force and fume, and erected a rival fortress just one Swedish mile below Fort Casimir, to M hich he gave the name of Helsenburg. And now commenced a tremendous rivalry between these two doughty commanders, striving to outstrut and outswell each other, like a couple of belligerent turkeycocks. There wns a contest who should run up the tallest flagstaff and display the broadest flag; all day long there was a furious rolling of drums and twanging of trumpets in either fortress, and, whichever had the wind in its favour, would keep up a CHAP. I.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 18ff continual firing of cannon, to taunt its antagonist with the smell of gunpowder. On all these points of windj warfare the antagonists were well matched ; but so it happened that tlie Swedish fortress being lower down the river, all the Dutch vessels, bound to Fort Casimir with supplies, had to pass it. Governor Printz at once took advantage of this circumstance, and compelled them to lower their flags as they passed under the guns of his batterj'. This was a deadly wound to the Dutch pride of General Van Poffenburgh, and sorely would he swell when from the rnmparts of Fort Casimir he beheld the flag of their High Mightinesses struck to the rival fortress. To heighten his vexation. Governor Printz, who, ns has been sliown, was a huge trencherman, took the liberty of having the first rum- mage of every Dutch merchant-ship, and securing to himself and his guzzling garrison all the little round Dutch cheeses, all the Dutch herrings, the gingerbread, the sweetmeats, the curious stone jugs of gin, and all the other Dutch luxuries, on their way for the solace of Fort Casimir. It is possible ho may have paid to the Dutch skippers the full value of their commodities, but what consolation was this to Jacobus Van Poffenburgh and his garrison, who thus found their favourite supplies cut off, and diverted into the larders of the hostile camp ? For some time this war of the cupboard was carried on to the great festivity and jollification of the Swedes, while the warriors of Fort Casimir found their hearts, or rather their stomachs, daily failing them. At length the summer heats and si^mmer showers set in, and now, lo and behold! a great miracle was wrought for the relief of the Nederlands, not a little resembling one of the plagues of Egypt ; for it cnme to pass that a great cloud of musquittos arose out of the marshy borders of the river, and settled upon the fortress of Helsenburg, being doubtless attracted by the scent of the fresh blood of the Swedish gormandizers. Nay, it is said that the body of Jan Printz alone, which was as big and as full of blood as tliat of a prize ox, was sufficient to attract the musquittos from every part of the country. For some time the garrison endeavoured to hold out, but it was all in vain ; the musquittos penetrated into every chink and crevice, and gave them no rest day nor night ; and as to Governor Jan Printz, he moved about as in a cloud, with musquitto music m ■J I I I- it I ! 00^' 186^ UUTORT or MKvr-TOBK. [book VI. in his ears, and musquitto stings to the very end of his nose. Finally the garrison was fairly driven out of the fortress, and obliged to retreat to Tinnekonk; nay, it is said that the musquittos followed Jan Prints even thither, aud absolutely drove him out of the country ; certain it is, he embarked for Sweden shortly afterwards, and Jan Claudius Risingh was sent to govern New-Sweden in his stead. Such was the famous musquitto war on the Delaware, of which General Van Poffunburgh would fain have been the hero ; but the devout people of the Nieuw-Nederlands al- ways ascribed the discomfiture of the Swedes to the miraculous intervention of St. Nicholas. As to the fortress of Helsen- burg, it fell to ruin, but the story of its strange destruction was perpetuated by the Swedish name of Myggen-borg, that is to say, Musquitto Castle.* CHAP. n. Jan Claudius Risingh, who succeeded to the command of New-Sweden, looms largely in ancient records as a gigantic Swede, who, had he not been rather knock-kneed and splay- footed, might have served for the model of a Samson or a Hercules. He was no less rapacious than mighty, and, withal, as crafty as he was rapacious, so that there is very little doubt that, had he lived some four or five centuries since, he would have figured as one of those wicked giants, who took a cruel pleasure in pocketing beautiful princesses and dis- tressed damsels, when gadding about the world, and locking them up in enchanted castles, without a toilet, a change of linen, or any other convenience. In consequence of which enormities they fell under the high displeasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal, and gallant knights were instructed to at- tack and slay outright any miscreant they might happen to find above six feet high ; which is doubtless one reason why the race of large men is nearly extinct, and the generations of latter ages are so exceedingly small. G Dvernor Risingh, notwithstanding his giantly condition, was, as I have hinted, a man of craft. He was not a man to rufile the vanity of General Van Pofienburgh, or to rub his self- conceit against the grain. On the contrary, as I sailed up * Acrelius* Histoiy N. Sweden. For some notices of this miracoloas ilisconiiiture of the Swedes, see N.-Y. Ilist Col., new scries, voLL p. 412. smmand of CHAP, u.] I'KTKN TIIK HEADSTRONG. 187 the Delaware, he paused before Fort Casimir, displayed his flag, nnd fired a royal salute before dropping anchor. The salute would doubtless have been returned, had not the f^uns been dismounted ; as it was, a veteran sentinel who had been napping at his post, and had suffered his match to go out, returned the compliment by discharging his musket with the spark of a pipe borrowed from a comrade. Governor Ri- singh accepted this as a courteous reply, and treated the for- tress to a second salute, well knowing its commander was apt to be marvellously delighted with these little ceremonials, considering them so many acts of homage paid to his great- ness. He then prepared to land with a military retinue of thirty men, a prodigious pageant in the wilderness. And now took place a terrible rummage and racket in Fort Cnsimir, to receive such a visitor in proper style, and to make an imposing appearance. The main guard was turned out as soon as possible, equipped to the best advantage in the few suits of regimentals, which had to do duty, by turns, with the whole garrison. One tall, lank fellow appeared in a little man's coat, with the buttons between his shoulders ; the skirts scarce covering his bottom ; his hands hanging like spades out of the sleeves ; and the coat linked in front by worsted loops made out of a pair of red garters. Another had a cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and decorated with a bunch of cock's-tatls ; a third had a pair of rusty gaiters hanging about his heels ; while a fourth, a little duck-legged fellow, was equipped in a pair of the general's cast-off breeches, which he held up with one hand while he grasped his fire- lock with the other. The rest were accoutred in simiUir style, excepting three ragamuffans without shirts, and with but a pair and a half of breeches between them ; wherefon; they were sent to the black hole, to keep them out ot sight, that they might not disgrace the fortress. 'His men being thus gallantly arrayed — those who lacked muskets shouldering spades and pickaxes, and every man being ordered to tuck in his shirt-tail and pull up his brogues — General Van Poflfenburgh first took a sturdy draught of foaming ale, which, like the magnanimous More, of More Hall,* * "As soon as lie rose. To make him strong and mighty. He drank by the tale, six pots of ale, An;l a quart of aqua vitaB." Dragon of Wtu^ky. \ r ■']■ ;.i . i: ! 1 ^l' ;i I li 188 HISTORY OP NEW-TORK. [UOOK VI. was his invariable practice on all great occasions ; tliis done, ho put himself at their head, and issued forth from his castle like a mighty giant just refreshed with wine. But when the two heroes met, then began a scene of warlike parade that beggars all description. The shrewd Kisingh, who had grown gray much before his time, in consequence of his craftiness, saw at one glance the ruling passion of the great Von Poffen- burgh, and humoured him in all his valorous fantasies. Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in front of each other, they carried arms and they presented arms, they gave the standing salute and the passing salute, they rolled their drums, they flourished their fifes, and they waved their colours ; they faced to the left, and they faced to the right, and they faced to the right about ; they wheeled forward, and they wheeled backward, and they wheeled into echellon; they marched and they countermarched, by grand divisions, by single divisions, and by subdivisions; by platoons, by sections, and by files ; in quick time, in slow time, and in no time at all; for, having gone through all the evolutions of two great armies, including the eighteen manoeuvres of Dundas ; having exhausted all that they could recollect or imagine of military tactics, including sundry strange and irregular evo- lutions, the like of which were never seen before or since, excepting among certain of our newly-raised militia, the two commanders and their respective troops came at length to n dead halt, completely exhausted by the toils of war. Never did two valiant train-band captains, or two buskined theatric heroes, in the renowned tragedies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or any other heroical and fighting trogedy, marshal their gallows-looking, duck-legged, heavy-heeled myrmidons with more glory anil self-admiration. These military compliments being finished. General Van Pofl'enburgh escorted his illustrious visitor, with great cere- rr^ony, into the fort, attended him throughout the fortifica- tions, showed him the horn-works, crown-works, half-moons, and various other outworks, or rather the places where they ought to be erected, and where they might be erected if he pleased ; plainly demonstrating that it was a place of "great capnl)ility,'' and though at present but a little redoubt, yet that it was evidently a formidable fortress in embryo. This survey over, he next had the whole garrison put under arms, exercised, and reviewed, and concluded by ordering the three CnAril.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 189 Bridewell birds to be hauled out of the black-hole, brought up to the halberds, and soundly flogged for the urauscment of hia visitor, and to convince him that he was a great disciplinarian. The cunning Kisingh, while he pretended to be struck dumb outright with the puissance of the great Van PoOcn- burgh, took silent note of the incompetency of his garrison, of which he gave a wink to his trusty followers, who tipped each other the wink, and laughed most obstreperously in their sleeves. The inspection, review, and flogging being concluded, the party adjourned to the table; for, among his other great qualities, the general was remarkably addicted to huge ca- rousals, and in one afternoon's campaign would leave more dead men on the field than he ever did in the whole course of [his military career. Many bulletins of these bloodless victories do still remain on record, and the whole province was once thrown in amaze by the return of one of his cam- paigns, wherein it was stated, that though, like Captain Bob- ndil, he had only twenty men to back him, yet in the short space of six months he had conquered and utterly annihilated sixty oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred sheep, ten thousand cabbages, one thousand bushels of potatoes, one hundred and fifty kilderkins of small beer, two thousand seven hundred and thirty-five pipes, seventy-eight pounds of sugar-plums, and forty bars of iron, besides sundry small meats, game, poultry, and garden stuff; an achievement unparalleled since the days of Pantagruel and his all-devouring army, and which showed that it was only necessary to let Van Pofi'enburgh and his garrison loose in an enemy's country, and in a little while they would breed a famine, and starve all the inhabitants. No sooner, therefore, had the general received intimation of the visit of Governor Kisingh, than he ordered a great dinner to be prepared, and privately sent out a detachment of his most experienced veterans to rob all the hen-roosts in the neighbourhood, and luy the pigsties under contribution ; a service which they discharged with such zeal and promptitude, that the garrison table groaned under the weight of their spoils. I wish, with all my heart, my readers could see the valiant Van Poflenburgh, as he presided at the head of the banquet ; it was a sight worth beholding : there he sat in his greatest glory surrounded by his soldiers, like that famous wine-bibber, Alexander, whose ihirsty virtues he did most ably imitate, t * II !i! !t! 190 HI8TORT OP NEW-TOBK. [bOOK VI. telling astounding stories of his hair-breadth adventures and heroic exploits; at which, though all his auditors knew them to be incontinent lies and outrageous ;j;asconades, yet did they cast up their eyes in admiration, and utter many inter- jections of astonishment. Nor could the general pronounce any thing that bore the remotest resemblance to a joke, but the stout Risingh would strike his brawny fisit upon the table till every glass rattled again, throw himself back in the chair, utter gigantic peals of laughter, and swear most horribly it was the best joke he ever heard in his life. Thus all was rout and revelry and hideous carousal within Fort Casimir, and so lustily did Van PoiTcnburgh ply the bottle, that in less than four short hours he made himself and his whole garrison, who all sedulously emulated the deedt? of their chief- tain, dead drunk, with singing songs, quaffing bumpers, and drinking patriotic toasts, none of which but was as long as a Welsh pedigree, or a plea in Chancery. No sooner did things come to this pass, than Risingh and his Swedes, who had cunningly kept themselves sober, roiee on their entertainers, tied them neck and heels, and took formal possession of the fort and all its dependencies, in the name of Queen Christina of Sweden, administering at the same time un oath of allegiance to all the Dutch soldiers who could be made sober enough to swallow it. Risingh then put the fortifications in order, appointed his discreet and vigilant friend Susn Schiite, otherwise called Skytte, a tall, wind- dried, water-drinking Swede, to the command, and departed, bearing with him this truly amiable garrison and its puissant commander ; who, when brought to himself by a sound drub- bing, bore no little resemblance to a "deboshed fish," or bloated sea 'monster, caught upon dry land. The transportation of the garrison was done to prevent the transmission of intelliSTKON«. 193 he wotilfl mnkehis sudden appenrance in tliejrnrrison nt day- break, with the wliole neighbourhood at his hefU ; like the pronndrel thief of a fox, detected in his maraudings and hunted to liis hole. Such was this Dirk Sehuiler; and from tlie total indifference he showed to the world and its concerns, nnd from his truly Indian stoicism and taciturnity, no one would ever have dreamt that he would have been the publisher of the treachery of Risingh. When the carousal was going on, which proved so fatal to the brave PoflTenhurgh and his watchful garrison. Dirk skulked about from room to room, being a kind of privileged vagrant, or useless hound, whom nobody noticed. But though a fellow of few words, yet, like your taciturn people, his eyes and ears wei'e always open, and in the course of his prowliniis he overheard the whole plot of the Swedes. Dirk immediately settled in his own mind how he should turn the matter to his own advantage. He played the perfect jack-of- both-sides — that is to say. he made a prize of every-thinjj that came in his reach, robbed both parties, stuck the copper- bound cocked hat of the puissant Van PoflTenhurgh on his head, whipped a huge pair of Risingh's jack-boots under his nrms, and took to his heels, just before the catastrophe and confusion ot the gari'ison. Finding himself completely dislodged from his haunt in this quarter, he directed his flight towards his native place. New- Amsterdam, whence he had formerly l>een obliged to abscond precipitately, in consequence of misfortune in busi- ness — that is to say. having been detected in the act of sheep-stealing. After wandering many days in the woont sail of commerce broken in upon the profound and awful solitude of ages. Here and there might be seen a rude wig- wam perched among the cliff:* of the mountains with its curling column of smoke mounting in the transparent at- mosphere, but so loftily situated that the whoopings of the savage children, gambolling on the margin of the dizzy heights, fell almost as faintly on the ear as do the notes of tlie lark when lost in the azure vault of heaven. Now and then, from the beetling brow of some i»recipice, the wild deer would look timidly down upon the splendid pageant as it passed below, and then, tossing his antlers in the air, would bound away into the thickets of the forest. Through such scenes did the stately vessel of Peter Stuy- vesant pass. Now did they skirt the bases of the rocky heights of Jersey, which spring up like everlasting walls, reaching from the waves unto the heavens, and were fashioned, if tradition may be believed, in times long past, by the mighty spirit of Manetho, to protect his favourite abodes from the un- hallowed eyes of mortals. Now did they career it gaily across the vast expanse of Tappan Bay, whose wide-extended shores present a variety of delectable scenery; here the bold pro- montory, crowned with embowering trees, advancing into the bay ; there the long woodland slope, sweeping up from the shore in rich luxuriance, and terminating in the upland pre- cipice, while at a distance a long waving line of rocky heights threw their gigantic shades across the water. Now would they pass where some modest little interval, opening among^ these stupendous scenes, yet retreating as it were for pro- tection into the embraces of the neighbouring mountains, dis- played a rural paradise, fraught with sweet and pastoral beauties; the velvet-tufted lawn, the bushy copse, the tinkling rivulet, stealing through the fresh and vivid verdure, on whose banks was situated some little Indian village, or, per- adventure, the rude cabin of some solitary hunter. The diflferent periods of the revolving day seemed each, with cunning magic, to diffuse a different charm over the scene. Now would the jovial sun break gloriously from the east, blazing from the summits of the hills, and sparkling the landscape with a thousand dewy gems ; while along the bor- ders of the river were seen heavy mosses of mist, which| Uk« o 3 w f: l:! f^^ ' 198 IIISTOBT OF NBW-YORK. f BOOK VI. midnight caitiffs, disturbed at his reproach, made a sluggish retreat, rolling in sullen reluctance up the mountains. At such times all was brightness, atid lite, and gaiety ; the at- mosphere was ol' an indescribubie pureness and transparency, the birds broke forth in wanton madrigals, and the freshening breezes wafted the vessel merrily on her course. But when the sun sunk amid a flood of glory in the west, mantling the heavens and the earth with a thousand gorgeous dyes, then all was culm, and silent, and magnificent. The late swelling sail hung lifelessly against the mast ; the seamen, with folded arms, leaned against the shrouds, lost in that involuntary musing which the sober grandeur of /lature commands in the rudest of her children. The vast bosom of the Hudson was like an unruffled mirror, reffecting the golden splendour of the heavens ; excepting that now and then a bark canoe would steal across its surface, filled with painted savages, whose gay feathers glared brightly, as perchance a lingering ray of the setting sun gleamed upon them from the western mountains. But when the hour cf twilight spread its majestic mists around, then did the face of nature assume a thousand fugitive charms, which to the worthy heart that seeks enjoyment in the glorious works of its Maker are inexpressibly captivating. The mellow dubious light that prevailed just served to tinge with illusive colours the softened features of the scenery. The deceived but delighted eye sought vainly to discern, in the broad masses of siiade, the separating line between the land and water, or to distinguish the fading objects that seemed sinking into chaos. Now did the busy fancy supply the feebleness of vision, producing with industrious craft a fairy creation of her own. Under her plastic wand the barren rocks frowned upon the watery waste, in the semblance of lofty towers, and high embattled castles ; trees assumed the direful forms of mighty giants, and the inaccessible summits of the mountains seemed peopled with a thousand shadowy beings. Mow broke forth from the shores the notes of an innu- merable variety of insects, which filled the air with a strange but not inharmonious concert; while ever and anon was heard the melancholy plaint of the Whip-poor-will, who, perched on some lone tree, wearied the ear of night with his incessant moaoings. The mind, soothed into a hallowed me- t h^ r captivating. CHAP. IV.] I'KTER THE HE.vi>sTnos<;. 199 lancholy, listened with pensive RtillncsA to catch and distin* gui»h each sound that vaguely echoed from the shore — now and then startled, perchance, by the whoop of some strai^gling savage, or by the dreary howl of a wolf, stealing forth upon his nightly prowlings. Tlius happily did they pursue their course, until they en- tered upon those awful detiles denominated tiik Highlands, where it would seem that the gigantic Titans had erst waged their impious war with heaven, piling up clii)s on clifls, and hurling vast masses of rock in wild contusion. But in sooth very different is the history of these cloud-capped mountains. These in ancient days, before the Hudson poured its waters from the lakes, formed one vast prison, within whose rocky bosom the omnipotent Manetho confined the rebellious spirits who repined at his control. Here, bound in adamantine chains, or jammed in rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks, they groaned for many an age. At length the conquering Hudson, in its career towards the ocean, burst open their prison-house, rolling its tide triumphantly through the stu- pendous ruins. Still, however, do many of them lurk about their old abodes ; and these it is, according to venerable legends, that cause the echoes which resound throughout these awful solitudes, which are nothing but their angry clamours when any noise disturbs the profoundness of their repose. For when the elements arc agitated by tempest, when the winds are up and the thunder rolls, then horrible is the yelling and howling of these troubletl spirits, making the mountains to rebellow with their hideous uproar ; for at such times it is said that they think the great Manetho is returning once more to plunge them in gloomy caverns, and renew their intolerable captivity. But all these fair and glorious s<;enes were lost upon the gallant Stuyvesant; nought occupied his mind but thoughts of iron war, and proud anticipations of hardy deeds of arms. Neither did his honest crew trouble their heads with any ro- mantic speculations of the kind. The pilot at the helm quietly smoked his pipe, thinking of nothing either past, present, or to come ; those of his comrades who were not industriously smoking under the hatches were listening with open mouths to Antony Van Corlear; who, seated on the windlass, was relating to them the marvellous history of those myririds of fireflies,, that sparkled like gems and spangles upon the dusky o 4 U i I {i 200 mSTORT OF NEW-TORK. ! [bOOK VI, robe of night. These, according to tradition, were originally a race of pestilent sempiternous beldames, wiio peopled these parts long before the memory of man ; being of that abomi- nated race emphatically called brimstones ; and who, for their innumerable sins against the children of men, and to furnish an awful warning to the beauteous sex, were doomed to infest the earth in tlic shape of these tlireateiiing and terrible little bugs ; enduring the internal torments of that fire, which they formerly carried in their hearts and breathed Ibrth in their words, but now are sentenced to bear about for ever — in their tails ! And now I am going to tell a fact, which I doubt much my readers will hesitate to believe ; but if they do, they are wel- come not to believe a word in this whole history — for nothing which it contains is more true. It must be known then that the nose of Antony the Trumpeter was of a very lusty size, strutting boldly from his countenance like a mountain of Golconda, being sumptuously bedecked with rubies and other precious stones, the true regalia of a king of good fellows, which jolly Bacchus grants to all who bouse it heartily at the flagon. Now thus it happened, that bright and early in the morning, the good Antony, having waslied his burly visage, was leaning over the quarter-railing of the galley, contem- plating it in the glassy wave below. Just at this moment the illustrious sun, breaking in all his splendour i'rom behind a high bluff of the Highlands, did dart one of his most potent beams full upon the refulgent nose of the sounder of brass ; the reflection of which shot straightway down, hissing hot, into the water, and killed a mighty sturgeon that was sporting beside the vessel ! This huge monster being with infinite labour hoisted on board, furnished a luxurious repast to all the crew, being accounted of excellent flavour, excepting about the wound, where it smacked a little of brimstone; and this, on my veracity, was the first time that ever sturgeon was eaten in these parts by Christian people.* AVheu this astonishing miracle came to be made known to Peter Stuy vesant, and tliat he tasted of the unknown fish, he, as may well be supposed, marvelled exceedingly ; and as a * The learned Hans Mcgapolonsis, treating of the country about Albany, in n letter which wtis written sunie time after the settlement thereof; says, " There is in the river great plenty of sturgeon, which we Christiauii do not make use {)i\ but the Indians cut them greedily.** CHAP, v.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 201 monument thereof, he gave the name of Antony's Nose to a stout promontory in the neighbourhood ; anil it iius continued to be called Antony's Nose ever since that time. But hold, whither am I wondering? By the mass, if I attempt to accompany the good Peter Stuyvesant on this voyage, I shall never make an end ; for never was there n voyage so fraught with marvellous incidents, nor a river so abounding with transcendant beauties, worthy of being se- verally recorded. Even now I have it on the point of my pen to relate how his crew were most horribly frightened, on going on shore above the liighlands, by a gang of merry roistering devils, frisking and curveting on a flat rock, which projected into the river, and which is called the DuyveCs Dans-Kamer to this very day. But no ! Diedrich Knicker- bocker, it becomes thee not to idle thus in thy historic way- faring. Kecollect, that while dwelling with the fond garrulity of age over these fairy scenes, endeared to thee by the recol- lections of thy youtli, and the charms of a thousand legendary tales, which beguiled the simple ear of thy childhood — re- collect that thou art trifling with those fleeting moments which should be devoted to loftier themes. Is not Time, re- lentless Time! shaking, with palsied hand, his almost ex- hausted hour-glass before thee? — hasten then to pursue thy weary task, lest the last sands be run ere thou hast finished thy history of the Manhattoes. Let us, then, commit the dauntless Peter, his brave galley, and his loyal crew, to the protection of the blessed St. Ni- cholas ; who, I have no doubt, will prosper him in his voyage, Avhile we await his return at the great city of New •Amsterdam. I * .«.) '?i f CHAP. V. While thus the enterprising Peter was coasting, with flowing sail, up the shores of the lordly Hudson, and arousing all tlie phlegmatic little Dutch settlements upon its borders, a great and puissant concourse of warriors was assembling at the city of New-Amsterdam. And here that invaluable fragment of antiquity, the Stuyvesant manuscript, is more than commonly particular } by which means I am enabled to record the illus- I It i )!' 202 IIISTOUY OF N£\l'-TOKK. [nOOK VI. trious host that eocamped itself in the public square in front uf the fort, at present denoniiiiuteU the Bowling Green. Ill the centre, then, was pitched the tent of the men of battle of the Manhattoea, who being the inmates of the me- tropolis, composed the lifeguards of the governor. These were commanded by the valiant Stotfel Brinkerhoof, who whilom had acquired such immortal fame at Oyster Bay; they displayed as a standard a beaver rampant on a Held of orange ; being the arms of the province, and denoting the persevering industry and the amphibious origin of the Nederlanders.* On their right hand might be seen the vassals of tiiat re* nowned Mynheer, Michael Paw f, who lorded it over the fair regions of ancient Pavonia, and the lands away south, even unto the Navesink Mountains {, and was moreover patroon of Gibbet Island. His standard was borne by his trusty squire, Cornelius Van Vorst, consisting of a huge oyster recumbent upon a sea-green held, being the armorial bearings of his favourite metropolis, Commuuipaw. He brought to tlie camp a stout force of warriors, heavily armed, being each clud in ten pair of linsey-woolsey breeches, and overshadowed by broad-brimmed beavers, with short pipes twisted in their hat- bandgi. These were the men vho vegetated in the mud along the shores of Favonia being of the race of genuine copper- heads, and were fabled to have sprung from oysters. At a little distance was encamped the tribe of warriors who came from the neighbourhood of Hell-gate. Tiiese were commanded by the 8uy Dams and the Van Dams, incontinent hard awearers, as their names betoken ; they were terrible looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted gaberdines, of that curious coloured cloth called thunder and lightning, and * This was likowisc the great seal of the New-Ncthcrlands, as mny still bu scun in unuiuut rcconlo. f Iksidcs what is related in tlio Stuyrcsant MS., I have found mention made of Uiis illustrious putroon in unother nianuseript, which suys, " Dc Heer (or tiie S({uire) Michael Paw, n Dutch subject, about lotli Aug. I63U, by deed purchaseii 8taten Island. N.B. Tho snmc Michael Taw hod what the Dutch coll a colonie at I'avonia, on the Jersey Hhore, oppo- ^ite Nuw-Vork; and his oventccr, in 1636, was named Corns. Vun Vorst, a person of the same nauic, in 176)^, owned I'awles Hook, and « large form ut i'avonia, uiid is a lineal descendant from Vun Vorst." I i;^ called from tho Nuvesink tribe of Indians tliat inhabited tlicso ports. At present they are erroneously denominated the Norersink, or Ncvcraunk, wouiiuuna. [book. VI. quare in front g Green, of the men of tea of the me- ernor. These nkerhoof, who sterBuy; they tield of orange ; he persevering derlanders.* sals of tlmt re- it over the fair ray south, even over patroon of s trusty squire, rster recumbent bearings of his vht to the camp ng each clad in ershadowed by ted in their hat- the mud along genuine copper- oysters. ibe of warriors [te. These were ims, incontinent ly were terrible irdines, of that lightning, and Qtherlauds, as mny lave found mention which Buys, " Uc nbuut loth Aug. Liinc Michael I'aw |cr8ey shore, oppo- icil Coriw. Van tin* Houk, and a Vun Vurw." Ittt inhabited ihcao the Nevewink, or CHAP, v.] PETER THE IIEAD8TU0NG. 2(KJ l)ore as a standard three devil's darning«ncedles, volant, in a Home-coloured tield. Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the marshy borders of the Waale-Boght* and tlie country thereabouts; these were of a sour aspect, by reason that they lived on crabs, which abound in tlu'se parts. They were the first in- stitutors of that honourable order of knighthood, called Fli/- market shirks ; and, if tradition speak true, did likewise intro- duce the far-famed step in dancing, called 'Slouble trouble.'' They were commanded by the fearless Jacobus Varra Vanger, and had, moreover, a jolly band of Breuckelenf ferry-men, who performed a brave concerto on conch shells. But 1 retrain from pursuing thit* minute descri[)tion, wtiich goes on to describe the warriors of Bloemen-dael, and Wee- hawk, and Hoboken, and sundry other places, well known in history and song — for now do the notes of martial music alarm the people of New-Amsterdam, sounding afar from beyond the walls of the city. But this alarm was in a little while relieved ; for, lo! from the midst of a vast cloud of dust, they recognised the brimstone-coloured breeches and splendid sil- ver leg of Peter Stuyvesant, glaring in the sunbeamd ; and beheld him approaching at the head of a formidable army, which he had mustered along the banks of the Hudson. And here the excellent |but anonymous writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into a brave and glorious description of the forces, as they detiied through the principal gate of the city, that stood by the head of Wall Street. First of all came the Van Bummeb, who inhabit the plea- sant borders of the Bronx : these were short fat men, wearing exceeding large trunk-breeches, and were renowned I'ur feats of the trencher ; they were the first inventors of suppawu, or mush and milk. — Close in their rear marched the Van Vlotens, of Kaats-kill, horrible quatiers of new cider, and arrant brag- garts in their liquor. — After them tame the Van Pelts of Groodt Esopus, dextrous horsemen, mounted upon goodly switch-tailed steeds of the Ksopus breed ; these were mighty hunters of minks and muskrats, whence came the word Feltry. — Then the Van Nests of Kinderhoeek, valiant robbers of birds' nests, as their name denotes ; to these, if report may be * Since corruptoe.do acquaintances th„tr'lT"*'^« ^« *»»« o^^wd of appearance ? Afnnv J^f ' locked around me at «? 7 not tosavawor^ -^V" ""» ^anquishine wickpH ^« '"■ "aps. ilii II 1 ! 208 nisTORv OF XEW-vonK. [book vi. well-tried comrades ! wlio linve fnithfuUy followed my foot- steps tliroupfh all my M'andcrinjrs — I salute you from my heart — I pledjje myself to stand by you to the last ; and to conduct you (so Heaven speed this trusty weapon which I now hold between my finpevs) triumphantly to the end of this our stupendous undertaking. But, hark! while we arc thus talking, the city of New- Amsterdam is in a bustle. The host of warriors encamped in the Bowlin*? Green are strikinfr their tents ; the brazen trumpet of Antony Van Corlenr makes the welkin to re- sound with portentous clanjjour — the drums beat — the stand- ards of the Manhattoes, of Hell-j^ato, and of Michael Paw, wave proudly in the air. And now behold where the ma- riners are busy employed, hoistinsf the sails of yon topsail schooner and those clump-built sloops, which are to waft the army of the Nederlanders to gather immortal honours on the Delaware ! The entire population of the city, man, woman, and child, turned out to behold the chivalry of New-Amsterdam, as it paraded the streets previous to embarkation. Many a hand- kerchief was waved out of the windows, many a fair nose was blown in melodious sorrow on the mournful occasion. The grief of the fair dames and beauteous damsels of Grenada could not have been more vociferous or the banishment of the gallant tribe of Abencerrages, than was that of the kind- hearted fair ones of New- Amsterdam on the departure of their intrepid warriors. Every love-sick maiden fondly crammed the pockets of her hero with gingerbread and dough-nuts ; many a copper ring was exchanged, and crooked sixpence broken, in pledge of eternal constancy ; and there remain extant to this day some love verses written on that occasion, sufficiently crabbed and incomprehensible to con- found the whole universe. But it was a moving sight to see the buxom lasses, how they hung about the doughty Antony Van Corlear ; for he was a jolly, rosy-faced, lusty bachelor, fond of his joke, and withal a desperate rogue among the women. Fain would they have kept him to comfort them, while the army was away, for besides what I have said of him, it is no more than justice to add, that he was a kind-hearted soul, noted for his benevolent attentions in comforting disconsolate wives during the absence of their husbands ; and this made him to be very much regarded by the honest burghers of the city. But ^^- ^-J PETER THE HE VDSTROVr heels of .re „M g:Ter;r:'r' i^".'""^ f™- '•"""'vin^ ^ h^« subject,,, ye. someht or 0^ ,'^"'-"»J -"y^a^neL^f P»pular among the people Tl./ • """' '"""'"o sttawreW vatmg in p^^ , V^^m rieie i, something so cinti ?»nkind, i, takes the Tead^V ^"•.'","• "'» commo,u„ass of iblk of Ne«r-Am«o- 1 . """' »' ler merit, -rr • ? prodigy of vtCi7j™''1 "P»» P"e"|-„y^^^^^^^^ martiaf encounX- ZreZi7 -T' "•»' '"^^of ^i! ration. EvervnUk . '^^o'^'^aed with reverpn^A „ i , * «o.eUate:'t^;5^erhad^^,„dge.ofS^^ "galed his children of 1 i„° '^^''"'"Ppig Pit, wherewith i! ^welt with a, much deii'Kf ::?■" "'s'"' »"<> «» S he honest country yeomen <^^.teS:?j!f°S»«~''<'". as do „Sr' our gloriourr^volution ^^S''^'^'''/ termed, 0/Jp,^Adl"" «oIute fact iS*'i ^"' *'^'« ^ do not Record a, ! •" "" "'^^^^ he was i„ the city. It^ is llJ ^^'^^ '««"^«' «« 'on- «i looked upon his departure al „^P"""°' ^''^^ *'»«* t^ey heavy hearts they driiffled n* *l i 'T 'affliction. W th marched down to'^theXr s de f ^'""'f '[ *"'^ ^"-^op, „s S *rom the Hti^fn «r L" v ^'^^ *o embark Ti. ^ arehal add?c" t^^.tcittrnr'* f' " «'-'' bu 'TruHar to ccHnport like %" aXeall'r ''I?"* recom.nSlX;' regularly on Sunda/raSHn i'''^^'f ^'^^^go toe S week besides. That the wom.n.'"^ !'^'''* *^"«'"««« «" the donate to their husbands iSiil^t/ '' 'r''"' '^'^^^ "«^ ■ p^'"° '^^'^•'" nobody's concerns •li i.f if f • i 1 1 Sir :?1 210 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK \h but their own, eschewing all gossipings and morning gad- dings, nnd carrying short tongues and long petticoats. That the men should abstain from intermeddling in public con- cerns, intrusting the cares of government to the officers ap- pointed to support them — staying at home, like good citizens, making money for themselves, and getting children for the benefit of their country. That the burgomasters should look well to the public interest — not oppressing the poor nor indulg- ing the rich — not tasking their ingenuity to devise new laws, but faithfully enforcing those which were already made— rather bending their attention to prevent evil than to punish it; ever recollecting that civil magistrates should consider themselves more as guardians of public morals, than rat-catch- ers, employed to entrap public delinquents. Finally, he ex- horted them, one and all, high and low, rich and poor, to conduct themselves as well as they could, assuring them that if they faithfully and conscientiously complied with this golden rule, there was no danger but that they would all conduct themselves well enough. This done he gave them a paternal benediction, the sturdy Anthony sounded a most loving farewell with his trumpet, the jolly crews put up a shout of triumph, and the invincible armada swept off proudly down the bay. The good people of New-Amsterdam crowded down to the Battery — that blest resort, from whence so many a tender prayer lias been wafted, so many a fair hana waved, so many a tearful look been cast by love-sick damsel, after the lessening bark, bearing her adventurous swain to distant climes ! Here the populace watched with straining eyes the gallant squadron, as it slowly floated down the bay, and when the intervening land at the Narrows shut it from their sight, gradually dispersed with silent tongues and downcast coun- tenances. A heavy gloom hung o/er the late bustling city ; the honest burghers smoked their pipes in profound thoughtful- ness, casting many a wistful look to the weather^cock on the church of St. Nicholas ; and all the old women, having no longer the presence of Peter Stuyvesant to hearten them, gathered their children home, and barricaded the doors and windows, every evening at sun down. In the meanwhile the armada of the sturdy Peter proceeded prosperously on its voyage, and after encountering about as ^'"y si, :r::::::r"'^-- »n the Delaware. "'''' '^^ ^^«J« squadron arrived saffely Without so muoh oo J . wearied ships time to breatl7i?:^ r ''"'•' '^"d ?'vi„g his ocean, the intrepid Petrpur'' /. ' '*'*^"'''"g «<> iSng on the !»nd made a sudden appearano; k .' "''S'*'" "^ *''^ Dda^are jng summoned theasSiTdt^ ^^""'^ ^""^^ ^^''"^'r. H^yl the trumpet of the W^^/^^^^^^^ blastfrom ;n a tone of thunder, afi^ 1. I'" ^r'""''' ^^ ^e^ande? this demand, Suen Sk w « Jt ^^''^ender of the fort T?! pHed in , ,,;,,,^ ;"HiS^^«^;^^^^^ -nd^Hed eommandant, ^? treme spareness, sounded lik«!h .''^; '^^ '^'^o" of his ex. lield refused the pponosedTL' .• "' Peninnciously with, of St. Nicholas, wlS^Ti. ''™'""». "nd swore by the nil "nguished. tha't unet he tr'""^ *='«' "« neve/eS! minutes, he would St „^„H ."'"•' ""•■'endered Tn ten tl-e garrison run the .^rZl!, ^ '.""■"■ ""« ""'K make aU commander like a pSd fad"'"'..-''"'. ""»'' scoundrel of " S-^ter effect, he drew ibrth .?' /" S''« '^'s menaS the «t them with such a EcS vi,' "''""^ '"'»«'• «»<• sh^k it ■f It lad not been ei^^ ^°™"'' «""'«". ""at douWesi oir^r ""> «^«' and h"it""X' 'r""'" ""'o '■>''' "S °™:i^ ':fros':itt'^.h^p^^^ "a " P®^"' and astounding '11 :U-i i ii W .1 212 mSTORY OF NEW-YORK. [book VI. blast on their conch shells, altogether forming as outrageous a concerto as though five thousand French fiddlers were dis- playing their skill in a modern overture. Whether the formidable front of war thus suddenly pre- sented smote the garrison with sore dismay — or whether the concluding terms of the summons, which mentioned that he should surrender "at discretion," were mistaken by Suen Skytte, who though a Swede, was a very considerate, easy tempered man, as a compliment to his discretion, I will not take upon me to say ; certain it is he found it impossible to resist so courteous a demand. Accordingly in the very nick of time, just as the cabin-boy had gone after a coal of fire to discharge the swivel, a chamade was beat on the rampart by the only drum in the garrison, to the no small satisfaction of both parties ; who, notwithstanding their great stomach for fighting, had full as good an inclination to eat a quiet dinner as to exchange black eyes and bloody noses. Thus did this impregnable fortress once more return to the domination of their High Mightinesses ; Skytte and his garrison of twenty men were allowed to march out with the honours of war ; and the victorious Peter, who was as generous as brave, permitted them to keep possession of all their arms and ammunition, — the same on inspection being found totally unfit for service, having long rusted in the magazine of the fortress, even before it was wrested by the Swedes from the windy Van Poffenburgh. But I must not omit to mention, that the governor was so well pleased with the service of his faithful squire Van Corlear, in the reduc- tion of this great fortress, that he made him on the spot lord of a goodly domain in the vicinity of New-Amsterdam, which goes by the name of Corlear's Hook unto this very day. The unexampled liberality of Peter Stuyvesant towards tho Swedes, occasioned great surprise in the city of New- Amsterdam ; nay, certain factious individuals, who had been enlightened by political meetings in the days of William the Testy, but who had not dared to indulge their meddlesome habits under the eye of their present ruler, now, emboldened by his absence, gave vent to their censures in the street. Murmurs were heard in the very council-chamber of New- Amsterdam ; and there is no knowing whether they might not have broken out into downright speeches and invectives, had not Peter Stuyvesant privately sent home his walking'StaiT, i\ [book VI. ; fts outrageous dlera were dis- i suddenly pre- . or whether the ntioned that he itaken by Suen )nsiderate, easy stion, 1 will not it impossible to in the very nick er a coal of fire on the rampart mall satisfaction reat stomach for It a quiet dinner more return to ; Skytte and his march out with 5ter, who was as I possession of all inspection being (T rusted in the s wrested by the But I must not veil pleased with ir, in the reduc- on the spot lord ew-Amsterdam, ito this very day. vesant towards le city of New- s. who had been . of William the leir meddlesome low, emboldened IS in the street, lamber of New- ir they might not I invectives, had is walking-staff, CHAP. VII.] PETER THE HKADSTRONC. 213 to be laid as n mace on the table of the oour.cil-charober, in the midst of his counsellors ; who, like wise men, took the hint, and for ever after held their peace. CHAP. VII. Like as a mighty alderman, when at a corporation feast the first spoonful of turtle-soup salutes his palate, feels his appe- tite but tenfold quickened, and redoubles his vigorous attacks upon the tureen, while his projecting eyes roll greedily round, devouring every thing at table ; so did the mettlesome Peter Stuyvesant feel that hunger for martial glory, which raged within his bowels, inflamed by the capture of Fort Casimir, and nothing could allay it but the conquest of all New- Sweden. No sooner, therefore, had he secured his conquest, than he stumped resolutely on, flushed with success, to gather fresh laurels at Fort Christina.* This was the grand Swedish post, established on a small river (or, as it is improperly termed, creek) of the same name ; and here that crafty governor Jan Risingh lay grimly drawn up, like a grey-bearded spider in the citadel of his web. But before we hurry into the direful scenes which must attend the meeting of two such potent chieftains, it is ad- visable to pause for a moment, and hold a kind of warlike council. Battles should not be rushed into precipitately by the historian and his readers, any more than by the general and his soldiers. The great commanders of antiquity never engaged the enemy without previously preparing the minds of their followers by animating harangues ; spiriting them up to heroic deeds, assuring them of the protection of the gods, and inspiring them with a confidence in the prowess of their leaders. So the historian should awaken the attention and enlist the passions of his readers ; and having set them all on fire with the importance of his subject, he should put himself at their head, flourish his pen, and lead them on to the thickest of the fight. An illustrious example of this rule may be seen in that mirror of historians, the immortal Thucydides. Having ar- ♦ Af present a flourishing town, called Christiann. or Christeen, aboi.t thirty-seven miles from Pbiladelphin, on the post-road to Baltimore. ' P 3 li it •I i 214 HISTORY OP MEW-TORK. [book VI. rived at the brenking out of the Peloponnesian "War, one of his commentators observes that " he sounds the clmrge in all the disposition and spirit of Homer. He catalogues the allies on both sides. He awakens our expectations, and fast en- gages our attention. All mankind are concerned in the im- portant point now going to be decided. Endeavours are made to disclose futurity. Heaven itself is interested in the dispute. The earth totters, and nature seems to labour with the great event. This is his solemn, sublime manner of setting out. Thus he magnifies a war between two, as Bapin styles them, petty states ; and thus artfully he supports a little subject by treating it in a great and noble method." In like manner, having conducted my readers into the very teeth of peril ; having ibllowed the adventurous Peter and his band into foreign regions, surrounded by foes, and stunned by the horrid din of arms, at this important moment, while darkness and doubt hang o'er each coming chapter, I hold it meet to harangue them, and prepare them for the events that are to follow. And here I would premise one great advantage, which, as historian, I possess over my reader ; and this it is, that though I cannot save the life of my favourite hero, nor absolutely contradict the event of a battle (both which liberties, though often taken by the French writers of the present reign, I hold to be utterly unworthy of a scrupulous historian), yet I can now and then make him bestow on his enemy a sturdy back stroke sufficient to fell a giant ; though, in honest truth, he may never have done any thing of the kind : or I can drive his antagonist clear round and round the field, as did Homer make that fine fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon round the walls of Troy; for which, if ever they have encoun- tered one another in the Elysian Fields, I'll warrant the prince of poets has had to make the most humble apology. I am aware that many conscientious readers will be ready to cry out, " foul play !" whenever I render a little assistance to my hero; but I consider it one of those privileges exercised by historians of all ages, and one which has never been dis- puted. An historian is in fact, as it were, bound in honour to stand by his hero — the fame of the latter is intrusted to his hands, and it is his duty to do the best by it he can. Never was there a general, an admiral, or any other conimAnderj who> in giving an account of any battle he had ibught, did ]i [book VI. ian War, one of he charge in all logues the allies ns, and fast en- ;rned in the ira- Endeavours are 8 interested in seems to labour sublime manner between two, as Fully he supports noble method." ers into the \'ery urous Peter and 'oes, and stunned t moment, while hapter, I hold it T the events that intage, which, as it is, that though 0, nor absolutely iberties, though lent reign, I hold )rian), yet I can \y a sturdy back honest truth, he or I can drive d, as did Homer poltroon round r have encoun- '11 warrant the ible apology. |rs will be ready little as&istancc lileges exercised Inever been dis- lound in honour intrusted to his e can. Never er commAnder, lad Ibught, did CHAP. Vn.] I'ETER THE IIEADSTRONO. 215 not sorely belabour the enemy ; and I have no doubt that, had my heroes written the liistory of their own achievements, they would have dealt much harder blows than any that I shall recount. Standing forth, therefore, as the guardian of their fame, it behoves me to do them the same justice they would have done tliemselves ; and if I happen to be n little hard upon the Swedes, I give free leave to any of their de- scendants, who may write a history of the State of Delaware, to take fair retaliation, and belabour Peter Stuyvesant as hard as they please. Therefore stand by for broken heads and bloody noses! — My pen hath long itched for a battle — siege after siege have I carried on without bloWs or bloodshed ; but now I have at length got a chance, and I vow to Heaven nnd St. Nicholas, that, let the chronicles of the times say what they please, neither Sallust, Livy, Tacitus, Polybius, nor any other histo- rian, did ever record a fiercer fight than that in which my valiant chieftains are now about to engage. And you, O most excellent readers, whom, for your faith- ful adherence, I could cherish in the warmest corner of my heart, be not uneasy — trust the fate of our favourite Stuyve- sant with me; for by the rood, come what may, I'll stick by Hardkoppig Piet to the last. I'll make him drive about these losels vile, as did the renowned Launcelot of the Lake a herd of recreant Cornish knights ; and if he does fall, let me never draw my pen to fight another battle in behalf of a brave man, if I don't make these lubberly Swedes pay for it. No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived before Fort Christina, than he proceeded without delay to entrench him- self, and immediately on running his first parallel, dispatched Antony Van Corlear to summon the fortress to surrender. Van Corlear was received with all due formality, hoodwinked at the portal, and conducted through a pestiferous smell of salt fish and onions to the citadel, a substantial hut built of pine logs. His eyes were here uncovered, and he found him- self in the august presence of Governor Risingh. This chief- tain, as I have before noted, was a very giantly man, and was clad in a coarse blu(> coat, strapped round the waist with a leathern belt, which caused the enormous skirts and pockets to set oflT with a very warlike sweep. His ponderous legs were cased in a pair of foxy-coloured jack-boots, and he was straddling in the attitude of the Colossus of Rhodes, before a r 4 II II ! , 1 ; ; \ > i [: ■ ' ? i n ti A IflB i 216 mSTORT OF NEW-YORK. [ BOOK VI. Iiit of broken looking-glnss, shaving himself with a villanously dull razor. This afflicting operation caused him to make a series of horrible grimaces, which heightened exceedingly the grisly terrors of his visage. On Antony Van Corlear's being announced, tlie grim commander paused for a moment, in the midst of one of his most hard-favoured contortions, and after eyeing him askance over the shoulder, with a kind of snarling grin on his countenance, resumed his labours at the glass. This iron harvest being reaped, he turned once more to the trumpeter, and demanded the purport of his errand. Antony Van Corlear delivered in a few words, being a kind of short- hand speaker, a long message from his excellency, recounting the whole history of the province, ^vith a recapitulation of grievances, and enumeration of claims, and concluding with a peremptory demand of instant surrender; which done, he turned aside, took his nose between his tl:umb and finger, and blew a tremendous blast, not unlike the flourish of a trumpet of defiance, w Inch it had doubtless learned from a long and intimate neighbourhood with that melodious instrument. Governor Hisingh heard him through, trumpet and all, but with infinite impatience ; leaning at times, as was his usual custom, on the pommel of his sword, and at times twirling a Luge steel watch-chain, or snapping his fingers. Van Corlear liaving finished, he bluntly replied, that Peter Stuyvesant and liis summons might goto the d — 1, whither he hoped to send him and his crew of ragamufilns before supper-time. Then unsheathing his brass-hilted sword, and throwing away the Fcabbard, " 'Fore gad," quod he, " but I will not sheathe thee again until I make a scabbard of the smoke-dried leathern hide of this runagate Dutchman." Then having flung a fierce defiance in the teeth of his adversary, by the lips of his mes- eengor, the latter was reconducted to the portal, with all the ceremonious civility due to the trumpeter, squire, and am- basi^ador of so great a commander ; and lieing again unblinded, was courteously dismissed with a tweak of the nose, to assist him in recollecting his message." No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this insolent reply, than he let fly a tnincndous volley of red-hot execrations, which would infallibly have battered down the fortifications, and blown up the powder magazine about the ears of the fiery Swede, had not the ramparts been remarkably strong, and the ninguzinc bomb-proof. Perceiving that the works withstood CHAP. Vlll.] PETEU THE HEADSTRONG. 217 this terrific binst, and that it wns utterly impossible (m it really wns in those unphilosopbic days) to carry on a war with words, he ordered his merry men all to prepare for an im- mediate assault. But here a strange murmur broke out among Iiis troops, beginning with the tribe of the Van Bummcls, those valiant trenchermen of the Bronx, and spreading from man to man, accompanied with certain mutinous looks and discontented murmurs. For once in his life, ond only for once, did the great Peter turn pale; for he verily thought his warriors were going to falter in this hour of perilous trial, end thus to tarnish for ever the fame of the province of Ncw- Ketiierlands. But soon did he discover, to his great joy, that in this suspicion he deeply wronged this most undaunted army ; I'or the cause of this agitation and uneasiness simply was, that the hour of dinner was at hand, and it would have almost broken the hearts of these regular Dutch warriors to have broken in upon the invariable routine of their habits. Be- sides, it was an established rule among our ancestors always to fight upon a full stomach ; and to this may be doubtletis attributed the circumstance that they came to be so renowned in arms. And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, and their no less hearty comrades, all lustily engaged under the trees, buffeting stoutly with the contents of their wallets, and taking such affectionate embraces of their canteens and pottles, as though they verily believed they were to be the last. And OS I foresee we shall have hot work in a page or two, I advise my readers to do the same, for which purpose I will bring this chapter to a close; giving them my word of honour, that no advantage shall be taken of this armistice to surprise, or in any wise molest, the honest Nedcrlunders, while at their vigorous repast. CHAP. VIII. ** Now had the Dutchmen snatched a huge repast," and find- ing themselves wonderfully encouraged and animated thereby, prepared to take the field. Expectation, says the writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript, expectation now stood on stilts. The world forgot to turn round, or rather stood still. I !.i I 218 HISTORY OP NEW-YORK. ''book VI. that it mi«^Tit witness the nflray, like a rousd-bellied alder- man watching the combat of two chivalrous flies upon his jerkin. The eyes of all mankind, a.s usual in such cases, were turned upon Fort Christina. The sun, like a little man in a crowd at a puppet-show, scampered about tiie hea- vens, popping his head here and there, and endeavouring to get a peep between 'the unmannerly clouds that obtruded themselves in his way. The historians filled their inkhorns ; the poets went without their dinners, either that they might buy paper and goose-quills, or because they could not get ftny thing to eat. Antiquity scowled sulkily out of its grnv(f to see itself outdone ; while even Posterity stood mute, gazing in gaping ecstasy of retrospection on the eventful field. The immortal deities, wlio whilom had seen service a' thu " affair " of Troy, now mounted their feather-bed clouds, an' sailed over the plain, or mingled among the combatants u different disguises, all itching to have a finger in the pie. Jupiter sent off his thunderbolt to a noted coppersmith to have it furbished up for the direful occasion. Venus vowed by her chastity to patronise the Swedes, and in semblance of a blear-eyed trull paraded the battlements of Fort Christina, accompanied by Diana, as a sergeant's widow, of cracked reputation. The noted bully Mars stuck two horse-pistols into his belt, shouldered a rusty firelock, and gallantly swag- gered at their elbow as a drunken corporal, while Apollo trudged in their rear as a bandy-legged fifer, playing most villanously out of tune. On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had gained a pair of black eyes over night, in one of her curtain lectures with old Jupiter, displayed her haughty beauties on a bag- gage-waggon ; Minerva, as a brawny gin-suttler, tucked up her skirts, brandished her fists, and swore most heroically, in exceeding bnd Dutch (having but lately studied the Ian. guage), by way of keeping up the spirits of the soldiers ; while Vulcan halted us a club-footed blacksmith, lately pro- moted to be a captain of militia. All was silent awe or bustling preparation ; war reared his horrid front, gnashed loud his iron fangs, and shook his direful crest of bristling bavonets. And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out their hosts. Here stood stout Risingh, firm as a thousand rocks, incrnstcd ith stockades and intrenched to the chin in mud batteries. His valiant soldiery lined the breast-work-in grim array. CHAP. VUI.] PETER THE HBADSTRONO. 219 each having his mustachiofl fiercely greastid, and his hair po- matumed back, and queued so stiffly, that he grinned above the ramparts like a grisly death's head. There came on the intrepid Peter, his brows knit, his teeth net, his fists clenched, almost breathing forth volumes of smoke, so fierce was the fire that raged within his bosom. His faithful squire Van Corlear trudged valiantly at his heels, with his trumpet gorgeously bedecked with red and yellow ribands, the remembrances of his fair mistresses at the Mun- hattoes. Tlien came waddling on tiie sturdy chivalry of thu Hudson. There were the Van 'Vycks, and the Van Dycks, and the Ten Eycks ; the Van Nesses, the Van Tassels, the Van GroUs ; the Van Hoosens, the Van Giesons, and the Van Blarcoms ; the Van Warts, the Van Winkles, the Van Dams; the Van Pelts, the Van Rippers, and the Van Brunts. There were the Van Homes, the Van Hooks, the Van Bunschotens ; the Van Gelders, the Van Arsdales, and the Van Buromels ; the Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, the Vander Voorts, the Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools, and the Vander Spiegles ; there came the Hoffmans, the Hooglands, the Hoppers, the Cloppers, the Ryckmans, the Dyckmans, the Hogebooms, the Rosebooms, the Oothouts, the Quacken bosses, the Roerbacks, the Garrebrantzes, the Bensons, the Brouwers, the Waldrons, the Onderdonks, the Varra Vangers, the Schermerhorns, the Stoutenburghs, the Brinkerhoffs, the Bontecous, the Knickerbockers, the Hocksti-assers, the Ten Breeclieses, and the Tougu Breechescs, with a host more of worthies, whose names are too crabbed to be written, or if they could be written, it would be impossible for man to utter — all fortified with a mighty dinner, and to use the words of a great Dutch poet, •* Brimful of wrath and rabbajfc" For an Instant the mighty Peter paused in the midst of his career, and mounting on a stump, addressed his troops in elo<]uent Low Dutch, exhorting them to fight like duyveU, and assuring them that if they conquered, they should get plenty of booty ; if they fell, they should be allowed the sa- tisfaction, while dying, of reflecting that it was in the service of their country ; antl after tliey were dead, of seiMiig their names inscribed in the temple of renown, an the present :he dust be- ng Minerva I all, observe away rning he counter- vith furious valour, un- rdy Stoffel giant Blan- er weapon), ends of the dts, posted d plying it ey were so ed the vn- thc fight, as to the marauding 1 patches. Grolls of f the fight, n CnjLP. Vlll.] PETER THE HEADSTUON'O. 221 but horribly perplexed in a defile between two hills, by rea- son of the length of their noses. So also the Van Bun- schotens of Nyack and Kakiat, so renowned for kicking with the left foot, were brought to a stand for want of wind, in consequence of the hearty dinner they had eaten, and would have been put to utter rout but for the arrival of a gallant corps of voltigeurs, composed of the Hoppers, who advanced nimbly to their assistance on one foot. Nor must I omit tu mention the valiant achievements of Antony Van Corlear, who, for a good quarter of an hour, waged stubborn fight with a little pursy Swedish drummer ; whose hide he drummed most magnificently, and whom he would infallibly have an- nihilated on the spot, but that he had come into the battle with no other weapon but his trumpet. But now the combat thickened. On came the mighty Ja- cobus Varra Vanger and the fighting men of the Wallabout ; after them thundered the Van Pelts of Esopus, together with the Van Rippers and the Van Brunts, bearing down all before them ; then the Suy Dams and the Van Dams, press- ing forward with many a blustering oath, at the head of the warriors of Hell-gate, clod in their thunder and lightning ga- berdines; and, lastly, the standard-bearers and body-guards of Peter Stuy vesant, bearing the great beaver of the Manhattoes. And now commenced the horrid din, the desperate struggle, the maddening ferocity, the frantic desperation, the confu- sion and self-abandonment of war. Dutchman and Swede commingled, tugged, panted, and blowed. The heavens were darkened with a tempest of missives. Bang ! went the guns; whack! went the broad-swords; thump! went the cudgels ; crash ! went the musket-stocks ; blows, kicks, cufi's, scratches, black eyes, and bloody noses swelling the horrors of the scene ! Thick thwack, cut and hack, helter-skelter, hig- gledy-piggledy, hurly-burly, head over heels, rough and tumble! Dunder and blixum ! swore theiDutchmen; splitter and splutter ! cried the Swedes. Storm the works, shouted Hardkoppig Peter. Fire the mine, roared stout Risingh. Tanta-ra-ru-ra ! twanged the trumpet of Antony Van Cor- lear, until all voice and sound became unintelligible ; grunts of pain, yells of fury, and shouts of triumph mingling in one hideous clamour. The earth shook as if struck with u para- lytic stroke ; trees shrunk aghast, and withered at the sight ; rocks burrowed io the ground like rabbits; and even Chris- r% ■^ i^ !1 i ■ il ■ i it' ■! 222 BISTORT OF NEW- YORK. [bOOK YI. tina Creek tdrncd from its course, and ran up a hill in breathless terror ! Long hung the contest doubtful ; for though a heavy shower of rain, sent by the " cloud-compelling Jove," in some mea- sure cooled their ardour, as doth a bucket of water thrown on a group of fighting mastitTs, yet did they but pause for a moment, to return with tenfold fury to the charge. Just at this juncture a vast and dense column of smoke was seen slowly rolling toward the scene of battle. The combatants paused for a moment, gazing in mute astonishment until the wind, dispelling the murky cloud, revealed the flaunting banner of Michael Paw, the patroon of Communipaw. That valiant chieftain came fearlessly on at the head of a phalanx of oyster-fed Pavonians and a corps de reserve of the Van Arsdales and Van Bummels, who had remained behind to digest the enormous dinner they had eaten. These now trudged manfully forward, smoking their pipes with out- rageous vigour, so as to raise the awful cloud that has been mentioned; but marching exceedingly slow, being short of leg, and of great rotundity in the belt. And now the deities who watched over the fortunes of the Nederlanders, having unthinkingly left the field and stepped into a neighbouring tavern to refresh themselves with a pot of beer, a direful catastrophe had well nigh ensued. Scarce had the myrmidons of Michael Paw attained the front of battle, when the Swedes, instructed by the cunning Kisingh, levelled a shower of blows full at their tobacco-pipes. As- tounded at this assault, and dismayed at the havoc of their pipes, these ponderous warriors gave way, and like a drove of frightened elephants broke through the ranks of their own army. The little Hoppers were borne down in the surge ; the sacred banner emblazoned with the gigantic oyster of Communipaw was trampled in the dirt ; on blundered and thundered the heavy-sterned fugitives, the Swedes pressing on their rear, and applying their feet a parte poste of the Van Arsdales and the Van Bummels with a vigour that pro- digiously accelerated their movements, nor did the renowned Michael Paw himself fail to receive divers grievous and dis- honourable visitations of shoe leather. But what, O Muse I was the rage of Peter Stuyvesant, when from afar be saw his army giving way I In the trans- ports of his wrath he sent forth a roar, enough to shake the [book VI. up a hill in leavy shower n some mea- rater thrown t pause for a 'ge. Just at ke was seen > combatants ent until the he flaunting lipaw. That of a phalanx B of the Van ed behind to These now 3s with out- bat has been sing short of rtunes of the I and stepped ;s with a pot led. Scarce the i'ront of ing liisingh, ■pipes. As- voc of their like a drove }f their own the surge ; ic oyster of ndered and ^es pressing ^oste of the ir that pro- le renowned iu8 and dis- ituyvesant, the trans" shake the CHAP. Vlli.] PETER THE IIEADSTRONQ. 223 very hills. The men of the Manhattoes plucked up new courage at the sound ; or rather, they rallied at the voice of their leader, of whom they stood more in awe than of all the Swedes in Christendom. Without waiting for their aid, the daring Peter dashed, sword in hand, into the thickest of the foe. Then might be seen achievements worthy of the days of the giants. Wherever he went, the enemy shrank before him ; tho Swedes iled to right and left, or were driven, like dogs, into their own ditch ; but, as he pushed forward singly with headlong courage, the foe closed behind and hung upjn his rear. One aimed a blow full at his heart ; but the pro- tecting power which watches over the great and good turned aside the hostile blade, and directed it to a side-pocket, where reposed an enormous iron tobacco-box, endowed, like the shield of Achilles, with supernatural powers, doubtless from bearing the portrait of the blessed St. Nicholas. Peter Stuy- vesant turned like an angry bear upon the foe, and seizing him as he fled, by an immeasurable queue, ** Ah, whoreson caterpillar," roared he, " here's what shall make worms* meat of thee! " So saying, he whirled his sword, and dealt a blow that would have decapitated the varlet, but that the pitying steel struck short, and shaved the queue for ever from his crown. At this moment an arquebusier levelled his piece from a neighbouring mound, with deadly aim ; but the watchful Minerva, who had just stopped to tie up her garter, seeing the peril of her favourite hero, sent old Boreas with his bellows, who, as the match descended to the pan, gave a blast that blew the priming from the touch-hole. Thus waged the fight, when the stout Uisingh, surveying the field from the top of a little ravelin, perceived his troops banged, beaten, and kicked by the invincible Peter. Drawing his falchion, and uttering a thousand anathemas, he strode down to the scene of combat with some such thundering strides as Jupiter is said by Hesiod to have taken, when he strode down the spheres to hurl his thunderbolts at the Titans. When the rival heroes came face to face, each made a pro- digious start in the style of a veteran stage champion. Then did they regard each other for a moment with the bitter aspect of two furious ram-cats on the point of a clapper-clawing. Then did they throw themselves into one attitude, then into another, striking their swords on the ground, first on the right aide, then on the left ; at last «t it they went, with incredible I 'hi K I 224 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [bOOK VI. ferocity. Words cannot tell the prodigies of strength and valour displayed in this direful encounter — an encounter compared to which the far-famed battles of Ajax with Hector, of ^neas with Turnus, Orlando with Rodomont, Guy of Warwick with Colbrand the Dane, or of that renowned Welsh knight, Sir Owen of the Mountains, with the giant Guylon, were all gentle sports and holiday recreations. At length the valiant Peter, watching his opportunity, aimed a blow, enough to cleave his adversary to the very chine ; but Risingh, nimbly raising his sword, warded it off so narrowly, that glancing on one side, it shaved away a huge canteen in which he carried his liquor ; thence pursuing its trenchant course, it severed off a deep coat pocket, stored with bread and cheese, which provant rolling among the armies, occasioned a fearful scrambling between the Swedes and Dutchmen, and made the general battle to wax ten times more furious than ever. Enraged to see his military stores laid waste, the stout Risingh, collecting all his forces, aimed a mighty blow full at the hero's crest. In vain did his fierce little cocked hat oppose its course. The biting steel clove through the stubborn ram beaver, and would have cracked the crown of any one not endowed with supernatural hardness of head ; but the brittle weapon shivered in pieces on the skull of Hardkoppig Piet, shedding a thousand sparks, like beams of glory round his grizzly visage. The good Peter reeled with the blow, and turning up his eyes beheld a thousand suns, beside moons and stars, dancing about the firmament ; at length, missing his footing, by reason of his wooden leg, down he came on his seat of honour with a crash which shook the surrounding hilb, and might have wrecked his frame', had he not been received into a cushion softer than velvet, which Providence or Minerva, or St. Ni- cholas, or some kindly cow, had benevolently prepared for his reception. The furious Risingh, in despite of the maxim, cherished by oil true knights, that " fair play is a jewel,** hastened to take advantage of the hero's fall ; but, as he stooped to give a fatal blow, Peter Stuyvesant dealt him a thwack over the sconce with his wooden leg, which set a chime of bells ringing triple bob majors in his cerebellum. The bewildered Swede stag- gered with the blow, and the wary Peter seizing a pocket- pistol which Iny hard by, discharged it full at the head of the [book VI. trength and n encounter with Hector, ont, Guy of >wned Welsh iant Guylon, At length ned a blow, but Risingh, rrowly, that een in which ;hant course, d and cheese, med a fearful and made the in ever, te, the stout Y blow full at ed hat oppose stubborn ram any one not lut the brittle koppig Piet, •y round his >ning up his :ars, dancing ig, by reason [honour with might have |to a cushion or St. Ni- lared for his [sherished by ?ned to take give a fatal the sconce Inging triple pwede stag- a pocket- head of the CHAP, nc.] PETEB TIIS HEAD8TB0K0. 225^ reeling Risingh. Let not my reader mistake ; it was not a murderous weapon loaded with powder and ball, bat a little sturdy stone pottle charged to the muzzle with a double dram of true Dutch courage, which the knowing Antony Van Corlear carried about him by way of replenishing his valour, and which had dropped from his wallet during his furious encounter with the drummer. The hideous weapon sang through the air, and true to its course, as was the fragment of a rock discharged at Hector by bully Ajax, encountered the head of the gigantic Swede with matchless violence. This heaven-directed blow decided the battle. The pon- derous pericranium of General Jan Risingh sank upon his breast; his knees tottered under him; a death-like torpor seized upon bis frame, and he tumbled to the earth with such' violence, that old Pluto started with affright, lest he should have broken through the roof of his infernal palace. His fall was the signal of defeat and victory ; the Swedes gave way, the Dutch pressed forward; the former took to their heels, the latter hotly pursued. Some entered with them pell-mell through the sally-port, others stormed the bastion, and others scrambled over the curtain. Thus in a little while the fortress of Fort Christina, which, like another Troy, had stood a siege of full ten hours, was carried by assault, without the loss of a single man on either side. Victory, in the like- ness of a gigantic ox-fly, sat perched upon the cocked hat of the gallant Stuyvesant ; and it was declared, by all the writers' whom he hired to write the history of his expedition, that on this memorable day he gained a suflBcient quantity of glory to immortalise a dozen of the greatest heroes in Christendom ! CHAP. IX. Thanks to St. Nicholas, we have safely finished this tremen- dous battle. Let us sit down, my worthy reader, and cool ourselves, for I am in a prodigious sweat and agitation. Truly this fighting of battles is hot work ! and if your great com- manders did but know what trouble they give their historians, they would not have the conscience to achieve so many hor- ' rible victories. But methinks I hear my reader complain, that throughout this boasted battle thera is not the lea.st slaughter, nor a single individual maimed, if we except the f . i I! i ( II 4 V J . .1 t 1 1 i\ ii m 226 HISTORY OF NEW-YORK. [UOOK VI unhappy Swede, who was shorn of his queue by the trenchant blade of Peter Stuyyesant; all which, he observes, is a great outrage on probability, and highly injurious to the interest of the narration. This is certainly an objection of no little moment, but it arises entirely from the obscurity enveloping the remote periods of time about which I have undertaJcen to write. Thus, though doubtless, from the importance of the object, and the prowess of the parties concerned, there must have been terrible carnage and prodigies of valour displayed before the walls of Christina, yet, notwithstanding 'that I have consulted every history, manuscript, and tradition, touching this memorable though long-forgotten battle, I cannot find mention made of a single man killed or wounded in the whole affair. This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme modesty of our forefathers, who, unlike their descendants, were never prone to vaunt of their achievements ; but it is a virtue which places their historian in a most embarrassing predicament ; for, having promised my readers a hideous and unparalleled battle, and having worked them up into a warlike and blood- thirsty state of mind, to put them off without any havoc and slaughter would have been as bitter a disappointment as to summon a multitude of good people to attend an execution, and then cruelly balk them by a reprieve. Had the Fates only allowed me some half a score of dead men, I had been content ; for I would have made them audi heroes as abounded in the olden time, but whose race is now unfortunately extinct ; any one of whom, if we may believe those authentic writers, the poets, could drive great armies, like sheep before him, and conquer and desolate whole cities by his single arm. But seeing that I had not a single life at my disposal, all that was left me was to make the most I could of ray battle, by means of kicks, and cuffs, and bruise?, and such like ignoble wounds. And here I cannot but compare my dilemma, in some sort, to that of the divine Milton, who, having arrayed with sublime preparation his immortal hosts against each other, is sadly put to it how to manage them, and how he shall make the end of his battle answer to the beginning; inas- much as, being mere spirits, he cannot deal a mortal blow, nor even give a flesh wound to any of his combatants. For my part, tiie greatest difficulty I found was, when I had once sh< as ii CHAP. IX.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. S27 pot my warriors in a passion, and let them loose into the midst of the enemy, to keep them from doinj]^ mischief. Many a time had I to restrain the sturdy Peter from cleaving a gigantic Swede to the very waistband, or spitting half a dozen Uttle fellows on his sword, like so many sparrows. And when I had set some hundred of missives flying in the air, I did not dare to suffer one of them to reach the ground, lest it should have put an end to some unlucky Dutchman. The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it is to a writer thus in a manner to have his hands tied, and how many tempt- ing opportunities I had to wink at, where I might have made as fine a death-blow as any recorded in history or song. From my own experience I begin to doubt most potently of the authenticity of many of Homer's stories. I verily be- lieve, that when he had once launched one of his favourite heroes among a crowd of the enemy, he cut down many an honest fellow, without any authority for so doing, excepting that he presented a fair mark ; and that often a poor fellow was B&at to grim Pluto's domains, merely because he had a name that would give a sounding turn to a period. But I disclaim all such unprincipled liberties ; let me but have truth and the law on my side, and no man would fight |iarder than myself: but since the various records I consulted did not warrant it, I had too much conscience to kill a single soldier. By St. Nicholas, but it would have been a pretty piece of business ! My enemies, the critics, who I foresee will be ready enough to lay any crime they can discover at my door, might have charged me with murder outright ; and I should have esteemed myself lucky to escape with no harsher verdict than manslaughter ! And now, gentle reader, that we are tranquilly sitting down here, smoking our pipes, p^mit me to indulge iti a melancholy reflection which at this moment passes across my , mind. How vain, how fleeting, how uncertain are all those gaudy bubbles after which we are panting and toiling in this world of fair delusions! The wealth which the miser has amassed with so many weary days, so many sleepless nights, a spendthrift heir may squander away in joyless prodigality; the noblest monuments which pride has ever reared to per- petuate a name, the hand of time will shortly tumble into ruins ; and even the brightest laurels, gained by feats of arms, may wither, and be for ever blighted by the chilling neglect «2 i^\ ill \i '1 1128 HISTORY OF MEW'TORK. [BOOK VI. rf mankind. " How many illustrious heroes," says the good Boetius, " who were once the pride and glory of the age, hath the silence of historians buried in eternal oblivion!" And this it was that induced the Spartans, when they went to battle, solenwly to sacrifice to the Muses, supplicating that their achievements might be worthily recorded. Had not Homer turned his lofty lyre, observes the elegant Cicero, the valour of Achilles had remained unsung. And such too, after all the toils and perils he had braved, after all the gallant actions he had achieved, such too had nearly been the fate of the chivalric Peter Stuyvesant, but that I fortunately stepped in and engraved his name on the indelible tablet of history, just as the caitifi'Time was silently brushing it away for ever! The more I reflect, the more I am astonished at the im- portant character of the historian. He is the sovereign censor, to decide upon the renown or infamy of his fellow-men. He is the patron of kings and conquerors, on whom it depends whether they shall live in after ages, or be forgotten as were their ancestors before them. The tyrant may oppress while the object of his tyranny exists ; but the historian possesses superior might, for his power extends even beyond the grave. The shades of departed and long-forgotten heroes anxiously bend down from above, while he writes, watching each move- ment of his pen, whether it shall pass by their names with neglect, or inscribe them on the deathless pages of renown. Even the drop of ink which hangs trembling on his pen, which he may either dash upon the fioor, or waste in idle scrawlings, — that very drop, which to him is not worth the twentieth part of a farthing, may be of incalculable value to some departed worthy, — may elevate half a score, in one moment, to immortality, who would have given worlds, had they possessed them, to ensure the glorious meed. Let not my readers imagine, however, that I am indulging in vain-glorious boastings, or am anxious to blazon forth the , importance of my tribe. On the contrary, I shrink when I reflect on the awful responsibility we historians assume ; I shudder to think what direful commotions and calamities we occasion in the world ; I swear to thee, honest reader, as I am a man, I weep at the very idea ! Why, let me ask, are so many illustrious men daily tearing themselves away from the embraces of their families, slighting the smiles of beauty, despising the allurements of fortune, and exposing themselves [book vt. says the good fthe age, hath ivion!" And went to battle, ing that their id not Homer ero, the valour h too, after all gallant actions he fate of the telj stepped in of history, just »y for ever ! led at the im- vereign censor, llow-men. He lom it depends •gotten as were r oppress while orian possesses rond the grave, sroes anxiously ing each move- sir names with jes of renown. |g on his pen, waste in idle not worth the liable value to score, in one in worlds, had id. am indulging izon forth the , ihrink when I Lns assume; I I calamities we reader, as I am lie ask, are so [way from the of beauty, Qg themselves it CHAP. IX.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 227 to the miseries of war ? Why are kings desolating empires, and depopulating whole countries ? In short, what induce* all great men, of ail ages and countries, to commit so many victories and misdeeds, and inflict so many miseries upon mankind and upon themselves, but the mere hope thut some historian will kindly take them into ^^oiice, eud rul ait them into a corner of his volume? For, in Eliort, ihu Oiic'U/ object of all their toils, their huruships; and privation;!, ia nothing but immortal fame. And what Is iur mortal Tarae? Why, half a page of dirty paper! Alss, dtial how humijtat- ing the idea, that the renown of so gveat i man as Pet«r Stuyvesant should depend upon tht ]^en of b-j liuie v.. mnii aa Diedrich Knickerbocker ! And now, having refresheJ. 07irscl''eg after the fat; giiif s anJ perils of the field, it behoves Wi *o return vice irtoro to th ^ scene of conflict, and inquire what were ;.i:e >'t;»ult:!» of \b.h renowned conquest. The fortress of Christina being ii.\e fair metropolis, and in a manner the key to J!^3w.!S(veden, its capture was speedily followed by the entire subjui^atiou of the province. This was not a little promoted by Ihe galU,Qt and courteous deportment of the chivalric Feter. Though a man terrible in battle, yet in the hour of victory ivas he vin- dued with a spirit generous, mercifu!^ and homanc. He vaunted not over his enemies, nor did he make doi'Vat nnore galling by unmanly insults ; for, like that mirror oi kuijD.htl}- virtue, the renowned Paladin Orlando, he wns more aii'>CM>ii.4 to do great actions than to talk of them after they were done. He put no man to death, orde>';;a no houses to be burnt down, permitted no ravages to le p^rpetiated on the property of the vanquished, and even gave jue ot his bravest officers a severe admonishment wjta \A^ wdkJng-stafl^, for having been detected in the act of ^.Acking a hen-roost He moreover issue «! u proclamation, inviting the inhabit- ants to submit to ihQ authority of their High Mightinesses, but declaring, "^vith unexampled clemency, that whoever re- fused should be lodged, at tiie public expense, in a goodly castle provided for the purpose, and have an armed retinue to wait on them in the bargain. In consequence of these be- neficent terms, about thirty Swedes stepped manfully for- ward and took the oath of allegiance ; in reward for which they were graciously permitted to remain on tlie banks of th» Delaware, where their descendants reside at this vdry «3 ' n.. i J i \ H 230 WISTORT OF mW-TORK. [BOOK VI. Uuy. I am *o\d^ however, by divers obsenrnnt travellers, that they have never been able to get over the chap-falien looks of their ancestors ; but that they still do strangely transmit, from father to son, manifest murks of the sound drubbing given them by the sturdy Amsterdammers. The whole country of New-Sweden having thus yielded to the arms of the triumphant Peter, was reduced to a colony called South Uiver, and placed under the superintendence of a lieutenant-governor, subject to the control of the supreme government of New- Amsterdam. This great dignitary was called Mynheor William Beekman, or rather £«cA-man, who derived his surname, as did Ovidius Naso of yore, from the lordly dimensions of his nose, which projected from the cen- tre of his countenance, like the beak of a parrot. He was the great progenitor of the tribe of the Beekmans, one of the most ancient and honourable families of the province ; the members of which do gratefully commemorate the origin of their dignity, not as your noble families in England would do by having a glowing proboscis emblasoned in their escut- cheon, but by one and ail wearing a right goodly nose stuck in the very middle of their faces. Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriously terminated, with tiie loss of only two men — Wi Ifert Van Home, a tall spnre man, who^ was knocked overboard by the boom of a sloop in a Haw of wind, and fat Brom Van Bummel, who wag suddenly carried off by an indigestion ; both, however, were in:mortalised as having bravely fallen in the service of their ccuntry. True it is, Peter Stuyvesant had one of his limb* t( rribly fracture \ in the act of storming the fortress ; but as it was fortunately his wooden leg, the wound was promptly and effectually healed. And now nothing remains to this branch of my history but to mention that this immaculate hero and his victorious urmy returned joyously to the Manhattoes, where they made u solemn and triumphant entry, bearing with them the conquered Risingh, and the remnant of his battered crew who had refused allegiance ; for it appears that the gigantic Swede had only fallen into a swoon at the end of the battle, Irom which he was speedily restored by ft whdeioma tweak of the note. These captive heroes were lodged, according to the promise of the governor, at the public expense, in a fiUr and ipaeioM [book VI. Tavellers, that p-f«Uen looks gelj transmit, und drubbing ;hus yielded to ed to a colony rintendence of f the supremo dignitary woa ?ecA-man, who pre, from the from the cen« ;. He was the ms, one of the province; the ) the origin of l^ngland would in their escut- ily nose stuck ^y terminated, Home, a tall le boom of a omel, who was lowever, were rvioe of their 3 of his limbs 'tress ; but as was promptly y history but ■lis victorious they made h them the attered crew the gigantic f the battle, soma tweak I the promise idspMioM CHAP. IX.] PBTSR THB HEADSTRONG. 2.31 csstlc, being the prison of state of which StofTel BrinkerhotV, the immortal conqueror of Oyster Bay, was appointed {gover- nor, and which has ever since remained in the possession of bis descendants.* It was a pleasant and goodly sight to witness the jcy of the people of New-Amsterdam at beholding their warrior.^ once more return from this war in the wilderness. The oM women thronged round Antony Van Corlear, who gave the whole history of the campaign with matchless accuracy ; sav- ing that he took the credit of fighting the whole battle him- self, and especially of vanquishing the stout liisingh, which he considered himself as clearly entitled to, seeing that it was effected by his own stone pottle. The schoolmasters throughout the town gave holiday to their little urchins, who followed in droves after the drums, with paper caps on their heads mid sticks in their breeches, thus taking the first lesson in the art of war. As to the sturdy rabble, they thronged at the heels of Peter Stuyvesant wherever he went, waving their greasy hats in the air, and shouting *' Hardkoppig Piet for ever !" It was indeed a day of roaring rout and jubilee. A huge dinner was prepared at the stadthouse in honour of the con- querors, where were assembled, in one glorious constel- lation, the great and little luminaries of New-Amsterdam. There were the lordly Schout and his obsequious deputy, the burgomasters with their officious schepens at their elbows, the subaltern officers at the elbows of the schepens, and so on, down to the lowest hanger-on of police ; every tag having his rag at his side, to finish his pipe, drink of!' his heel-taps, and laugh at his flights of immortal dulness. In short— for a city feast is a city feast all the world over, and has been a eity feast ever since the creation — the dinner went off much the same as do our great corporation junketings and Fourth of July banquets. Loads of fish, flesh, and fowl were de- vouret^ oceans of liquor drunk, thousands of pipes smoked, and many a dull joke honoured with much obstreperous fat- tided laughter. I musi not omit to mention that to this far-famed victory Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for another of his many titles, for so hugely delighted were the honest burghers with * Thir ctstlfl, though verr much slt«rod and modemited, if still in bting, and tuuids at the cornar oT PmtI HtTNt, fouiog Cotatis's W|k Q 4 1 \ II \ 1 5 1 \ 232 HISTORY OF XEW'TORK. [bOOK VQ. Ilia acliievements, that they unanimously honoured him with the name of Pleter de Groodt, tiiat is to say, Peter the Great; or, 08 it was transLtted into English by the people of New- Amsterdam, for the benefit of their New-England visitors, Piet de pig — an appellation which he maintained even unto the day of his death. BOOK VII. CONTAINING THE TllIRO PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE HEADSTRONG HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH NATION, AND THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH DITNASTY. CHAPTER I. The history of the reign of Peter Stuyveaant furnishes an edifying picture of the cares and vexations inseparable from sovereignty, and a solemn warning to all wiio are ambitious of attaining the seat of honour. Though returning in tri- umpli and crowned with victory, his exultation was checked on observing the abuses which had sprung up in New- Am- sterdam during his short absence. His walking-staff, which he had sent home to act as his vicegerent, hod, it is true, kept bis council-chamber in order ; the counsellors eyeing it with awe as it lay in grim repose upon the table, and smoking their pipes in silence ; but its control extended not out of doors* The popuUce unfortunately had had too much their owu way under the slack though Htful reign of William the Testy, and though upon the accession of Peter Stuy vesant they had felt, with the instinctive perception which mobs as well as cattle possess, that the reins of government had passed into Stronger hands, yet could they not help fretting and chafing and champing upon the bit, iu restive silence. Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his expedition against the Swedes, than the old factions of William Kieft's reign hod again thrust their heads above water. Pot-house meetings were again held to " discuss the state of the nation," where cobblers, tinkers, and tailors, the self-dubbed '* friends of the people," onc« more felt themselves inspired with tha -■"••■•■•—♦»«**■ [book vn. ired him with ter the Great; jople of New- gland visitors, led even unto N OF PETER THE BBITISU THE DUTCH furnishes an eparable from are ambitious irning in tri- was checked in New-Am* ;-staff» which is true, kept eing it with [and smoking out of doors. Ih their own the Testy; t they had IS as well as passed into and chafing expedition liam Kieft's Pot-house the nation," '* friends with tho CHAP L J PBTBP THE HEADSTRONG. 233 gift of legislation, and undertook to lecture on every move- ment of government Now, as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular inclination to govern the province by his individual will, his first move, on his return, was to put a stop to this gratuitous legislation. Accordingly, one evening, when an inspired cobbler vnu holding forth to an assemblage of the kind, the intrepid Peter suddenly made his appearance with his ominous walking- staff in his hand, and a countenance sufficient to petrify a mill-stone. The whole meeting was thrown into confusiou — the orator stood aghast, with open mouth and trembling knees, while ** horror! tyranny I liberty! rights! taxes! death! destruction!** and a host of other patriotic phrases were bolted forth before he had time to close his lips. Peter took no notice of the skulking throng, but strode up to the brawl- ing bully-ruffian, and pulling out a huge silver watch, which might have served in times of yore as a town-clock, and which is still retained by his descendants as a family curi- osity, requested the orator to mend it, and set it going. The orator humbly confessed it was utterly out of his power, as he was unacquainted with the nature of its construction. "Nay, but," said Peter, "try your ingenuity, man ; you see all the springs and wheels, and how easily the clumsiest hand may stop it, and pull it to pieces, and why should it not be equally easy to regulate as to stop it ? " The orator de- clared that his trade was wholly different — that he was a poor cobbleri and had never meddled with a watch in his life — that there were men skilled in the art whose business it was to attend to those matters, but for his part he should only m$x the workmanship, and put the whole in confusion. " Why, harkee, master of mine," cried Peter, turning sud- denly upon him with a countenance that almost petrified the patcher of shoes into a perfect lapstoue, *' dost thou pretend to meddle with the movements of government — to regulate, and correct, and patch, and cobble a complicated machine, the principles of which are above thy comprehension, and its simplest operations too subtle for thy understanding, when thou canst not correct a trifling error in a common piece of mechanism, the whole mystery of which is open to thy inspec- tion ? — Hence with thee to the leather and stone, which are emblems of thy head ; eobble thy shoes, and confine thyself to the vocation for which Heaven has fitted thee; but>" H 234 BI8T0BT OF NEW-TOBX. [book TO. i'j I 11 elevating his voice until it made the welkin ring, ** if ever I catch thee, or any of thy tribe, meddling again with affairs of government, by 8t. Nicholas, but I'll have every mother's bas- tard of yc flayed alive, and your hides stretched for drum-heads, that ye may thenceforth make a noise to some purpose ! " This threat, and the tremendous voice in which it was ut- tered, caused the whole multitude to quake with fear. The hair of the orator rose on his head like his own swine's bris- tles ; and not a knight of the thimble present but his heart died within him, and he felt as though he could have verilr escaped through the eye of a needle. The assembly dis. persed in silent consternation ; the pseudo-statesmen who had hitherto undertaken to regulate public affairs, were now fain to stay at home, liold their tongues, and take care of their families ; and party feuds died away to such a degree, that many thriving keepers of taverns and dram-shops were utterly ruined for want of business. But though this mea- sure produced the desired effect in putting an extinguisher on the new lights just brightening up : yet did it tend to in- jure the popularity of the great Peter with the thinking part of the community : that is to say, that part which think for others instead of for themselves ; or, in other words, who at- tend to every body's business but their own. These accused the old governor of being highly aristocratical, and in truth there seems to have been some ground for such an accusa- tion ; for he carried himself with a lofty, soldier-like air, and was somewhat particular in his dress, appearing, when not in uniform, in rich apparel of the antique flaundrish cut, and was^especially noted for having his sound leg (which was a very comely one) always arrayed in a red stocking and high* heeled shoe.* Justice he often dispensed m the primitive patriarchal way, seated on the « stoep before his door, under the shade of a great button-wood tree ; but all visits of form and state were received with something of court ceremony ip the best par- lour, where Antony the Trumpeter officiated as high cham- berlain. On public occasions he appeared with great pomp of equipage, and always rode to church in a yellow waggon with flaming red wheels. These svmptoms of state and ceremony, as we have hinted, were much cavilled at by the thinking (and talking) part of the community. They had been aoouitomed to flnd^easj t,BOOK vn. 5, " if ever I rith affairs of mother's bas- r drum-heads, urpose ! " ch it was ut- li fear. The swine's bris- tut his heart I have verilr ssemblj dis. tesmen who rs, were now take care of ich a degree, Q-shops were gh this mea- extinguisher it tend to in- thinking part lich think for 'ords, who at- 'hese accused and in truth h an accusa- -like air, and when not in ish cut, and which was a ig and high* riarchal way, |e shade of a state were le best par- I high cham- 1 great pomp jiow waggon laye hinted, |ing) part of flnd^easj CHAP. L] PETKR THE inBADSTRORG. 235 access to their former governors, and in particular had lived on terms of extreme intimacy with William the Testy, and they accused Peter Stuyvesant of assuming too much dignity and reserve, and of wrapping himself in mystery. Others, however, have pretended to discover in all this a shrewd policy on the part of the old governor. It is certainly of the first importance, say they, that a country should be governed by wise men ; but then it is almost equally important that the people should think them wise ; for this belief alone can produce willing subordination. To keep up, however, this desirable confidence in rulers, the people should be allowed to see as little of them as possible. It is the mystery which envelopes great men, that gives them half their greatness. There is a kind of superstitious reverence for office which leads ns to exaggerate the merits of the occupant, and to suppose that he must be wiser than common men. He, how- ever, who gains access to cabinets, soon finds out by what foolishness the world is governed. He finds that there is quackery in legislation as in every thing else ; that rulers have their whims and errors as well as other men, and are not so wonderfully superior as he had imagined, since even he may occasionally confute them in argument. Thus awe sub- sides into confidence, confidence inspires familiarity, and fami- liarity produces contempt. Such was the case, say they, with William the Testy. By making himself too easy of access, he enabled every scrub-politician to measure wits with him, and to find out the tr ae dimensions not only of his person but of his mind ; and thus it was that, by being familiarly scan- ned, h6 was discovered to be a very little man. Peter Stuyve- rant, on the contrary, say they, by conducting himself with dignity and loftiness, was looked up to with great reverence. As he never gave his reasons for any thing he did, the public gave him credit for very profound ones ; every movement, however intrinsically unimportant, was a matter of specula- tion ; and his very red stockings excited some respect, as being different from the stockings of other men. Another charge against Peter Stuyvesant was, that he had a great leaning in favour of the patricians ; and, indeed, in hit time r(Me many of those mighty Dutch families which have taken such vigorous root^ and branched out so luxuriantly in our state. Some, to be sure, were of earlier date, such as the Van KortUndts, the Van Zandts. the Ten Broecks, the Har- \i if I' . I li'^ 236 HISTORY OF NEW-TORK. [book VU. den Broecks, and others of Pavonian renown, who gloried in the title of " Discoverers," from having been engaged in the nautical expedition from Communipaw, in which thej so heroically braved the terrors of Hell-gate and Battermilk- channel, and discovered a site for New- Amsterdam. Others claimed to themselves the appellation of Conquerors, from their gallant achievements in New-Sweden and their victory over the Yankees at Oyster Bay. Such was that list of warlike worthies heretofore enumerated, beginning with the Van Wycks, the Van Chrcks, and the Ten Eycks, and ex- tending to the Rutgers, the Bensons, the Brinkerhoffs, and the Schermerhorns ; a roll equal to the Doomsday Book of Wil- liam the Conqueror, and establishing the heroic origin of many an ancient aristocratical Dutch family. These, after all, are the only legitimate nobility and lords of the soil ; these are the real " beavers of the Manhattoes ;" and much does it grieve me in modern days to see them elbowed aside by foreign invaders, and more especially by those ingenious people, "the Sons of the Pilgrims ;** who out-bargain them in the mar- ket, out-speculate them on the exchange, out-top them in fortune, and run up mushroom palaces so high, that the tallest Dutch family mansion has not wind enough left for its weather-cock. In the proud days of Peter Stuy vesant, however, the good old Dutch aristocracy loomed out in all its grandeur. The burly burgher, in round-crowned flaunderish hat with brim of vast circumference, in portly gabardine and bulbous mul- tiplicity of breeches, sat on his "stoep" and smoked his pipe in lordly silence ; nor did it ever enter his brain that the active, restless Yankee, whom he saw through his half-shut eyes wor- rying about in dog-day heat, ever intent on the main chance, was one day to usurp control over these goodly Dutch do- mains. Already, however, the races regarded each other with disparaging eye. The Yankees sneeringly spoke of the round-crowned burghers of the Manhattoes as the " Copper- heads ;" while the latter, glorying in their own nether rotun- dity, and observing the slack galligaskins of their rivals, flap- ping like an empty sail against the mast, retorted upon them with the opprobrious appellation of " Platter-breeches.** [book vn. ^ho gloried in igaged in the hich they so I Buttermilk- dam. f Conquerorsy len and their 1 was that list iginning with lycks, and ex- rhoffs, and the Book of Wil- "oic origin of These, after ;he soil ; these much does it ide by foreign speople, "the I in the mar- •top them in ighy that the |ough left for ver, the good tndeur. The lat with brim ulbous mul- ked his pipe at the active, ut eyes wor- ain chance, y Dutch do- each other jspoke of the e " Copper- ether rotun- rivals, flap- upon them leches*" f i CHAP. II.3 PETER THE HEADSTRONG. CHAP. II. 237 From what I have recounted in the foregoing <;hapter, I would not have it imagined that the great Peter was a tyrannical potentate, ruling with a rod of iron. On the contrary, where the dignity of office permitted, he abounded in generosity and condescension. If he refused the brawling multitude the right of misrule, he at least endeavoured to rule them in righteousness. To spread abundance in the land, he obliged the bakers to give thirteen loaves to the dozen — a golden rule, which remains a monument of his beneficence. So far from indulging in unreasonable austerity, he delighted to see the poor and the labouring man rejoice ; and for this purpose he was a great promoter of holidays. Under his reign there was a great cracking of eggs at Paas or Easter ; Whitsuntide or Pinxter also flourished in all its bloom ; and never were stockings better filled on the eve of the blessed St. Nicholas. New-year's Day, however, was his favourite festival, and was ushered in by the ringing of bells and firing of guns. On that genial day the fountains of hospitality were broken up, and the whole community was deluged with cherry- brandy, true Hollands, and mulled cider ; every house was a temple to the jolly god ; and many a provident vagabond got drunk out of pure economy, taking in liquor enough gratis to serve him half a year afterwards. The great assemblage, however, was at the governor's house, whither repaired all the burghers of New -Amsterdam with their wives and daughters, pranked out in their best attire. On this occasion the good Peter was devoutly observ- ant of the pious Dutch rite of kissing the women-kind for u happy new-year ; and it is traditional that Antony the Trum- peter, who acted as gentleman usher, took toll of all who were young and handsome, as they passed through the antecham- ber. This venerable custom, thus happily introduced, was fol- lowed with such zeal by high and low, that on New-yenr'sDay, during the reign of Peter Stuyvesant, New-Amsterdam was the most thoroughly be-kissed community in all Christendom. Another great measure of Peter Stuyvesant for public im- ?rovement was the distribution of fiddles throughout the land, 'hese were placed in the hands of veteran negroes, who were dispatched as missionaries to every part of the province ■ i f M HUTOBT or MSW-TOBK. [bOOK YII. Thtd measure, it is said, was first supfrested by Antonj the Trmnpeter ; and the effect was marvellous. Instead of those " indi{rnation meetings" set on foot in the time of William the Testy, where men met together to rail at public abuses, groan over the evils of the times, and make each other miser- able, there were joyous gatherings of the two sexes to dance and make merry. Now were instituted '* quilting bees," and ** husking bees," and other rural assemblages, where, under the inspiring influence of the fiddle, toil was enlivened by gaiety and followed up by the dance. "Raising bees" also were frequent, where houses sprnng up at the wagging of the fiddle-stick, as the walls of Thebes sprang up of yore to the sound of the lyre of Amphion. Jolly autumn, which pours its treasures over hill and dale, was in those days a season for the lifting of the heel as well as the heart ; labour came dancing in the train of abundance, and frolic prevailed throughout the land. Happy days I when the yeomanry of the Nieuw-Nederlands were merry rather than wise ; and when the notes of the fiddle, those harbingers of good humour and good will, resounded at the close of the day from every hamlet along the Hudson ! Nor was it in rural communities alone that Peter Stuyve- sant introduced his favourite engine of civiUsation. Under his rule the fiddle acquired that potent sway in New-Amster- dam which it has ever since retained. Weekly assemblages were held, not in heated ball-rooms at midnight hours, but on Saturday afternoons, by the golden light of the sun, on the green lawn of the Battery ; with Antony the Trum- peter for master of ceremonies. Here would the good Peter take his seat under the spreading trees, among the old bur- ghers and their wives, and watch the mazes of the dance. Here would he smoke his pipe, crack his joke, and forget the rugged toils of war, in the sweet oblivious festivities of peace, giving a nod of approbation to those of the young men who ahuflned and kicked most vigorously ; and now and then a hearty smack, in all honesty of soul, to the buxom lass who held out longest, and tired down every competitor' — infallible proof of her being the best dancer. Once, it is true, the harmony of these meetings was in dan- ger of interruption. A youniz belle, just returned from a visit to Holland, who of course led the fashions, made her appear- ance in not more than half a doaen petticoats, and these of [book VII. y Antonj the stead of those 16 ofWilliam >ublic abuses, \ other raiser- exes to dance n<; bees," and where, under enlivened by ng bees" also e wagging of g up of yore hill and dale, e heel as well of abundance, »y days 1 when merry rather )se harbingers e close of the *eter Stuy ve- tion. Under ew-Amster- assemblages |ht hours, but of the sun, y the Trum' good Peter the old bur- the dance, d forget the ies of peace, g men who and then a m lass who 1— infallible Iwas in dan- from a visit ler appear- id these of It' .» CHAP, n.] PETER THE 1TEAD8TRONO. 239 alarming shortness. A whisper and a flutter ran through the assembly. The young men of course were lost in admiration, but the old ladies were shocked in the extrcmj, especially those who had marriageable daughters; the your.g ladies blushed and felt excessively for the "poor thing," and even the governor himself appeared to be in K>me kind of perturbation. To complete the confusion of the good folks she undertook, in the course of a jig, to describe some figures in algebra taught her by a dancing-master at Rotterdam. Unfortu* nately, at the highest flourish of her feet, scmie vagabond zephyr obtruded his services, and a display of the graces toc^ place, at which all the ladies present were thrown into great consternation ; several grave country members were not a little moved, and the good Peter Stuyvesant himself was grievously scandalised. The shortness of the female dresses, which had continued in fashion ever since the days of William Kieft, had long offended his eye ; and though extremely averse to meddling with the petticoats of the ladies, yet he immediately recom- mended that every one should be furnished with a flounce to the bottom. He likewise ordered that the ladies, and indeed the gentlemen, should use no other step in dancing than "shufile and turn," and " double trouble ;" and forbade, under pain of his high displeasure, any young lady thenceforth to attempt what was termed " exhibiting the graces." These were the only restrictions he ever imposed upon the sex, and these were considered by them as tyrannical oppres- sions, and resisted with that becoming spirit manifested by the gentle sex whenever their privileges are invaded. In fact, Antony Van Corlear, who, as has been shown, was a sngacious man, experienced in the ways of women, took a private occa- sion to intimate to the governor that a conspiracy was form- ing among the young vrouws of New-Amsterdam ; and that, if the matter were pushed any further, there was danger of their leaving off petticoats altogether ; whereupon the good Peter shrugged his shoulders, dropped the subject, and ever after suffered the women to wear their petticoats, and cut their capers as high as they pleased ; a privilege which they have jealously maintained in the Manhattoes unto the present day. 1 1.: J n 240 niSTORT or >'EW-TOHK. [book VII. CHAP. III. In the last two chapters I Imve regaled the render with a delec- table picture of the $;ood. Peter and his metropolis during an interval of peace. It was, however, but a bit of blue sky in a stormy day ; the clouds are again gathering up from all points of the compass, and, if I am not mistaken in my forebod- ings, we shall have rattling weather in the ensuing chapters. It is with some communities, as it is with certain meddle- some individuals — they have a wonderful facility at getting into scrapes ; and I have always remarked that those are most prone to get in who have the least talent at getting out again. This is doubtless owing to the excessive vrlour of those states ; for I have likewise noticed that this rampant quality is always most frothy and fussy where most confined ; which accounts for its vapouring so amazingly in little states, little men and ugly little women more especially. Such is the case with this little province of the Nieuw- Nederlands ; which, by its exceeding valour, has already drawn upon itself a host of enemies ; has had fighting enough to satisfy a province twice its size ; and is in n fair way of becoming an exceedingly forlorn, well •belaboured, and woe- begone little province. AH which was providentially ordered to give interest and sublimity to this pathetic history. The first interruption to the halcyon quiet of Peter Stuyve- sant was caused by hostile intelligence from the old belliger- ent nest of Rensellaersteen. Killian, the lordly patroon of Bensellaerwick, was again in the field, at the head of his myr- midons of the Helderberg, seeking to annex the whole of the Kaats-kill mountains to his domains. The Indian tribes of these mountains had likewise taken up the hatchet, and menaced the venerable Dutch settlement of Esopus. Fain would I entertain the reader with the triumphant campaign of Peter Stuyvesant in the haunted regions of those mountains, but that I hold all Indian conflicts to be mere barbaric brawls, unworthy of the pen which has recorded the classic war of Fort Christina; and as to these Helderberg com- motions, they are among the flatulencies which from time to time afflict the bowels of this ancient province, as with a wind-colic, and which I deem it seemly and decent to pass over in silence. CHAP. m.j PETER TUE nEADSTRONG. 241 The next storm of trouble was from the south. Scarcely had the worthy Mynheer Beekman got warm in the seat uf authority on the South River, than enemies bes^an to spring up all around him. Hard by was a formidable race of savages inhabiting the gentle region watered by the Susquehanna, of whom the following mention is made by Master Hariot in liis excellent history : — ** The Susquesahanocks are a giantly people, strange in proportion, behaviour, and attire — their voice sounding from them as out of a cave. Their tobacco-pipes were three quar. ters of a yard long ; cai'ved at the great end with a bird, beare, or other device, sufficient to beat out the brains of a horse. The calfe of one of their legges measured three quar- ters of a yard about ; the rest of the limbs proportionable." * These gigantic savages and smokers caused no little disquiet in the mind of Mynheer Beekman, threatening to cause a famine of tobacco in the land ; but his most formidable enemy was the roaring, roistering English colony of Maryland, or, as it was anciently written, Merryland ; so called because the inhabitants, not having the fear of the Lord before their eyes, were prone to make merry and get fuddled with mint-julep and apple-toddy. They were, moreover, great horse-racers and cock-fighters, mighty wrestlers and jumpers, and enor- mous consumers of hoe-cake and bacon. They lay claim to be the first inventors of those recondite beverages, cock-tail, stone-fence, and sherry-cobbler, and to have discovered the gastronomical merits of terrapins, soft crabs, and canvas- back ducks. This rantipole colony, founded by Lord Baltimore, a British nobleman, was managed by his agent, a swaggering English- man, commonly called Fendall ; that is to say, " oflend all,** a name given him for his bullying propensities. These were seen in a message to Mynheer Beekman, threatening him, un- less he immediately swore allegiance to Lord Baltimore as the rightful lord of the soil, to come at the head of the roaring boys of Merryland and the giants of the Susquehanna, and sweep him and his Nederlanders out of the country. The trusty sword of Peter Stuyvesant almost leaped from its scabbard, when he received missives from Mynheer Beek- man, informing him of the swaggering menaces of the bully I Hanoi's Journal, Pnrcb. Filgrims. B 242 insTORT or nkw-tork. [book yii. Fendall ; and as to the giantly warriors of the Susqnehanna, nothing would have more delighted him than a bout, hand to hand, with half a score of them ; having never encountered a giant in the whole course of his campaigns, unless we may consider the stout Risingh as such, and he was but a little one. Nothing prevented his marching instantly to the South River, and enacting scenes still more glorious than those of Fort Christina, but the necessity of first putting a stop to the increasing aggressions and inroads of the Yankees, so as not to leave an enemy in his rear ; but he wrote to Mynheer Beek- man to keep up a bold front and stottt heart, promising, as soon as he had settled affairs in the east, that he would hasten to the south with his burly warriors of the Hudson, to lower the crests of the giants, and mar the mernbient of the Merry- landers. CHAP. IV. To explain the apparently sudden movement of Peter Stuyve- snnt against the crafty men of the East Country, I would ob- serve that, during his campaigns on the South River, and in the enchanted regions of the Catskill Mountains, the twelve tribes of the East had been more than usually active in pro- secuting their subtle scheme for the subjugation of the Nieuw- Nederlands. Independent of the incessant maraudings among heti-roosts and sqnattings along the border, invading armies would pene- trate, from time to time, into the very heart of the country. As their prototypes of yore w^ent forth into the land of Canaan, -with their wives and their children, tlicir men-servants and their maid.servants, their flocks and herds, to settle them- selves down in the land and possess it ; so these chosen people of modern days would progress through the country in pa- triarchal style, conducting carts and waggons laden with household furniture, with women and children piled on top, and pots and kettles dangling beneath. At the tail of these vehicles would stalk a crew of long-limbed, lank-sided varlets. with axes on their shoulders, and packs on their backs, reso; lately bent upon "locating" themselves, as they termed it, and improving the country. These were the most dangerous kind of invaders. It is true they were guilty of no overt acts of hostility : but it was notorious that, wherever they got a CHAP. IV.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 243 footing, the honest Dutchmen gradually disappeared, retiring slowly as do the Indians before the white men ; being in some way or other talked and chaffered, and bargained and swapped, and, in plain English, elbowed out of all those rich bottoms and fertile nooks in which our Dutch yeomanry are prone to nestle themselves. Peter !Stuy vesant was at loogth roused to this kind of war in disguise, by which the Yankees were craftily aiming to subju- gate his dominions. He was a man easily taken in, it is true, as all great-hearted men are apt to be ; but if he once found it out, his wrath was terrible. He now threw diplomacy to the dogs, determined to appear no more by ambassadors, but to repair in person to the great council of the Amphictyons, bearing the sword in one hand and the olive branch in the other ; and giving them their choice of sincere and honest peace, or open and iron war. His privy councillors were astonished and dismayed when, he announced his determination. For once they ventured to remonstrate, setting forth the rashness of venturing his sacred person in the midst of a strange and barbarous people. They might as well have tried to turn a rusty weather-cock with a broken-winded bellows. In the fiery heart of the iron-headed Peter sat enthroned the five kinds of courage described by Aristotle, and had the philosopher enumerated five hundred more, I verily believe he would have possessed them all As to that better part of valour called discretion, it was too cold- blooded a virtue for his tropical temperament. Summoning, therefore, to his presence his trusty follower, Antony Van Corlcar, he commanded him to hold himself in readiness to accompany him the following morning on this his hazardous enterprise. Now Antony the Trumpeter was by this time a little stricken in years, yet by dint of keeping up a good heart, and having never known care or sorrow (having never been married), he was still a hearty, jocund, rubicund, gamesome wag, and of great capacity in the doublet. This last was ascribed to his living a jolly life on those domains at the Hook, which Peter Stuyvesant had granted to him for his gallantry at Fort Casimir. Be this as it may, there was nothing that more delighted Antony than this command of the great Peter, for he could have followed the stout-hearted old governor to the world's end, with love and loyalty — and he moreover still remeip- R 2 244 IllSTOUY OF NEW-YOnK. [book vir. bcred the frolicking, and dancing, and bundling, and other disports of tlie east country, and entertained dainty recol- lection of numerous kind and buxom lassea, whom he longed exceedingly again to encounter. Thus then did this mirror of hardihood set forth, with no other attendant but his trumpeter, upon one of tlie most pe- rilous enterprises ever recorded in the annals of knight- errantry. For a single warrior to venture openly among a whole nation of foes — but, above all, for a plain, downright Dutchman to think of negotiating with the whole council o'C New-England! — never was there known a more desperate undertaking ! Ever since I have entered upon the chronicles of this peerless, but hitherto uncelebrated, chieftain, has h» kept me in a state of incessant action and anxiety with the toils and dangers he is constantly encountering. Oh for a chapter of the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, that I might repose on it as on a feather-bed !, Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have once al- i*eady rescued thee from the machinations of these terrible Amphictyons, by bringing the powers of witchcrafl to thine aid y Is it not enough that I have followed thee undaunted, like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the horrid battle of Fort Christina? That I have been put incessantly to my trumps to keep thee safe and sound — now warding off with my single pen the shower of dastard blows that fell upon thy rear — now narrowly shielding thee from a deadlj' thrust, by a mei-e tubacco-box — now casing thy dauntless skull with adamant, when even thy stubborn ram beaver failed to resist the sword of the stout Hisingh — and now, not merely bring- ing thee otf alive, but triumphant, from the clutches of tho gigantic Swede, by the desperate means of a paltry stone pottle ? Is not all tiiis enough, but must thou still be plunging into new ditticulties, and hazarding in headlong enterprises thyself, thy trumpeter, and thy historian? And now the ruddy-faced Aurora, like a buxom chamber- maid, draws aside the sable curtains of the night, and out bounces from his bed the jolly red-haired Phocbuii, startled at being caught so late in the embraces of Dame Thetis. With many a stable-boy oath he harnesses his brazen-footed steeds, and whipt;, and lashes, and splashes up the tirmament, like a loitering coachman, iialf an hour behind his time. And now beliuld^ that imp of fame and prowess, the headstrong I'eter, CHAr. IV.] PETER TIIK IICADSTRONO. 245 b«:stn(Iinpr a rnw-boned, switch-tniled chnrgcr, gallantly ar- rayed in full regimentals, and bracing on his thigh that trufty, brass-hilted sword, which had wrought such fearful deeds on the banks of the Delaware. Behold hard after him his doughty trumpeter, Van Corlear, mounted on a broken-winded, wall-eyed, calico mare; his stone pottle, which had laid low the mighty Rtsingh, slunsr under his arm ; and his trumpet displayed vnuntingly in his right hand, decorated with a gorgeous banner, on which is emblazoned the great beaver of the Man^iattoes. See them proudly issuing out of the city gate, like an iron-clad hero of yore, with his faithful squire at his heels ; the populace fol- lowing with their eyes, and shouting many a parting wish and hearty cheering, Farewell, Hardkoppig Piet ! Farewell, honest Antony ! pleasant be your wayfaring, prosperous your return ! — the stoutest hero that ever drew a sword, and the worthiest trumpeter that ever trod shoc-lcathcr! Legends are lamentably silent about the events that befel our adventurers in this their adventurous travel, excepting the Stuy vesant manuscript, which gives the substance of a pleasant little heroic poem, written on the occasion by Dominie ^gidius Luyck*, who appears to have been the poet-laureate ol New- Amsterdam. This inestimable manu- script assures us, that it was a rare spectacle to behold the great Peter and his loyal follower hailing the morning sun, and rejoicing in the clear counlenance of nature, as they pranced it through the pastoral scenes of IMoomen Dael : which in those days wat a sweet and rural valley, beautifti^l with many a briglit wild flower, refreshed by many a pji(< fitrenrolet, and enlivened here and there by a delectable little Dutch cottage, sheltered under some sloping hill, and almostt buried in embowering trees. Now did they enter upon the confines of Connecticut, where they encountered many grievous difllculties and perils. At one place they were assailed by a troop of country stjuires and militia colonels, who, mounted on goodly steeds, hung upon their rear for several miles, harassing them exceediniErly with gueues and questions, more especially the worthy Peter, • This Luyck was moreover, rector of the Ijftiin 8oImh)I in Nientr- Nedcrlands, 168.1. 'rhoro arc twj pirooii :»l(lrc«.4iMi to VI«lj:i(liuH iMyvk In ]>. BeljrnV Mi^. of i>oo«ie*, uiion bia marriouu niib Judith iMudcom. (01;i MS.) a 9 i 246 HISTORT OF NEW- YORK. [book vn. whose silver-chased leg excited not a little mnrvel. At an- other ploce, hard by the renowned town of Stamford, they were set upon by a j^reat and mighty legion of church deacons, wlio imperiously demanded of them five shillings for travelling on Sunday, and threatened to carry them captive to a neigh- bouring church, whose steeple peered above the trees ; but these the valiant Peter put to rout with little difficulty, in- somuch that they bestrode their oanes and galloped off in horrible confusion, leaving their cocked hats behind in the hurry of their flight. But not so easily did he escape from the hands of a crafty man of Pyquag ; who, witii undaunted perseverance, and repeated onsets, fairly bargained him out of his goodly switch-tailed charger, leaving in place thereof, a villanous, foundered Narraganset pacer. But, maugre all these hardships, they pursued their journey cheerily along the course of the soft flowing Connecticut, whose gentle waves, says the song, roll through many a fer- tile vale and sunny plain ; now reflecting the lofty spires of the bustling city, and now the rural beauties of the humble hamlet ; now echoing with the busy hum of commerce) and now with the cheerful song of the peasant. At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who was noted for warlike punctilio, order the sturdy Antony to sound a courteous salutation ; though the manuscript observes, that the inhabitants were thrown into great dismay when they heard of his approach. For the fame of his incomparable Achievements on the Delaware had spread throughout the cast countiy, and they dreaded lest he had come to take ven- geance on their manifold transgressions. But the good Peter rode through these towns with a smiling aspect, waving his hand with inexpressible majesty and con- descension ; for he verily believed that the old clothes which these ingenious people had thrust into their broken windows, and the festovons of dried apples and peaches which orna- mented the fronts of their houses*, were so many decorations in honour of his approach, as it was the custom in the dayi4 of chivalry to compliment renowned heroes by sumptuous displays of tapestry and gorgeous furniture. The women crowded to the door.s to gaze upon him as he passed, so much does prowess in arms delight the gentle sex. The little •children, too, ran after him in troops, staring with wonder at his regimentals, his brtmetonc breeches, and the silver gar- » CHAP, v.] PETER THE HEAD8TK0Nter Stuyvesant, followed by his trusty squire, was making his chivalric progress through the east country, a dark and dire- ful scheme of war against his beloved province was forming in that nursery of monstrous projects, the British Cabinet. This, we are confidently informed, was the result of the secret instigations of the great council of the league ; who, finding themselves totally incompetent to vie in arms with the heavy-sterned warriors of the Manhattoes and their iron* headed commander, sent emissaries to the British govern- irent, aetting forth in eloquent kinguage the wonders and delights of this delicious little Dutch Canaan, and imnloring that a force might be sent out to invade it by sea, while th'^y should cooperate by land. These emissaries arrived at a critical juncture, just as the British Lion was beginning to bristle up his mane and wag his tail I for we are assured by the anonymous writer of ili> Stuyvesant manuscript, that the astounding victory of Peter Stuyvesant at Fort ChristiP'> had resounded* throughout Europe, and his annexai. m Oi the territory of New-Swe Icn had awakened the jealousy of the British cabinet for th ir wild lands at the south. This jealousy was brought to a head by the representations of Lord Baltimore, who declared that the territory thus annexed lay within tlie lands granted to him by the British crown, and ho claimed to be protected in his rights. Lord Sterling, another Hritish subiect, ehiimed the whole of Nassau, or Ixjng Island, once theOphirof William the Testy, but now the kitchen-garden of the Mutihattoei, B4 i\ 248 niSTORT OF NEW-TOnK. [book VII. ^'Iiich he declared to l>e British territory by the right of dis- covery, but unjustly usurped by the Nederlanders. The result of nil these rumours nnd representations was a ^udden zeal on the part of his mnjesty Charles the Second, for the safety and well-beinpr of Ips transatlantic possessions, nnd especially for the recovery of the Kew-Netherlands, Mhich Yankee logic had, somehow or other, proved to be a continuity of the territory taken possession of for the British crown by tht^rilgrims, when they landed on Plymouth Rock, fugitives from British oppression. All this goodly land, thus wrongfully held by the Dutchmen, he presented, in a fit of affection, to his brother the Duke of York ; a donation truly 1 oyal, since none but great sovereigns have a right to give away what does not belong to them. That this munificent gift might not be merely nominal, his majesty ordered that nn armament should be straightway dispatched to invade the city of New.Amsterdam by land and water, and put his brother in complete possession of the premises. Thus critically situated are the affairs of the New-Neder- landers. While the honest burghers are smoking their pipes in sober security, and the privy councillors are snoring in the council chamber, while Peter the Headstrong is undaunt- edly making his way through the east country, in theconfident hope by honest words and manly deeds to bring the grand council to, terms, a hostile fleet is sweeping like a thunder- cloud across the Atlantic, soon to rattle a storm of war about the ears of the dozing Nederlanders, and to put the mettle of their governor to the trial. But come what may, I here pledge my veracity, that in all warlike conflicts and doubtful perplexitie(>« he will ever acquit himself like a gallant, noble-minded, obstinate old cavalier. Forword then to the charge ! Shine out, propitious stars, on the renowned city of the Manhattoes; and the blessing of bt. Nicholas go with thee, honest Peter Stuyvesant. CHAl'. VI. GitKAT nations resemble great men in this particular, that their greatness is seldom known until they get in trouble ; adversity, therefore, has been wisely denouiinatcd the ordeal of true gtuatnuss, which, like f;old, can never receive its real CHAP. VI.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 249 estimation until it has passed through the furnace- In pro* portion, therefore, as a nation, a community, or an individual (possessing the inherent quality of greatness) is involved in perils and misfortunes, in proportion does it rise in grandeur; ond even when sinking under calamity, makes, like a houde on fire, a more glorious display than ever it did in the fairest period of its prosperity. The vast empire of China, though teeming with population ond imbibing and concentrating the wealth of nations, ha.** vegetated through a succession of drowsy ages ; and were it not for its internal revolution, and the subversion of its ancient government by the Tartars, might have presented nothing but a dull detail of monotonous prosperity. Pompeii and Herculaneum might have passed into oblivion, with a herd of their contemporaries, had they not been fortunately over- whelmed by a volcano. The renowned city of Troy acquired celebrity only from its ten years' distress and final conflagra- tion; Paris rose in importance by the plots and massacres which ended in the exaltation of Napoleon ; and even thu mighty London 1ms skulked through the records of time, celebrate 1 for nothing of moment excepting the plague, the great fire, and Guy Faux's gunpowder plot! Thus cities and empires creep along, enlarging in silent obscurity, until they burst forth iu some tremendous calamity, and snatch, as it were, immortality from the explosion. The above principle being admitted, my reader will plainly perceive that the city of New-Amsterdam and its dependent province are on the high road to greatness. Dangers and hosiilitics threaten from every Jide, and it is really a matter of astonishment, how so small a state has been able, in so short a time, to entangle itself in so many difficulties. Ever since the province was first taken by the nose, at the Fort of Good Hope, in the tranquil days of Wouter Van Twiller, has it been gradually increasing in historic importance; and never could it havM had a moro appropriate chieftain to conduct it to the pin.'tacle of grandeur than Peter Stuyvesant. This truly headstrong hero having successfully eff(M:ted his daring progress through the east country, girded up his loins ns he approached Boston, and prepared for the grand on- slaught with t..» Amphictyons, which was to be the crowning achievement ot the campnign. Throwing Anthony Van Corlear, M'iio with his calico mare, formed his escort and it li I 'H J60 HISTORY OF KEW-TORK. [bOOK VH* army, a little in the advance, and bidding him be of stout heart and great wind, he placed himsplf firmly in his saddle, cocked his hat more fiercely over his left eye, summoned all the heroism of his soul into his countenance, and, with one arm m-kimbo,the hand resting on the pommel of his sword, rode into the great metropolis of the league, Anthony sounding his trum- pet befoi ^ him in a manner to electrify the whole community. • Never was there such a stir in Boston as on this occasion; never such a hurrying hither and thither about the streets ; such popping of heads out of windows; such gathering of knots in market-places. Peter Stuyvesant was a straight- forward man, and prone to do every thing above board. He would have ridden at once to the great council-house of the league and sounded a parley; but the grand council knew the mettlesome hero they had to deal with, and were not for doing Ihings in a hurry. On the contrary, they sent forth deputa<- tions to meet him on the way; to receive him in a style be- fitting the great potentate of the Manhattoes, and to multiply all kinds of honours, and ceremonies, and formalities, and other courteous impediments in his path. Solemn banquets were accordingly given him, equal to thanksgiving feasts. (Complimentary speeches were made him, wherein he was entertained with the surpassing virtues, long sufferings, and achievements of the Pilgrim Fathers; and it is even said he was treated to a sight of Plymouth Bock, that great corner- stone of Yankee empire. 9^ I will not detain my readers by recounting the endless de*- Vices by which time was wasted, and obstacles and delays multiplied to the infinite annoyance of the impatient Peter, Neither will I fatigue them by dwelling on his negotiations with the grand council, when he at length brought them to business. Suffice it to say, it wini like most other diplomatic negotiations ; a great deal was suld and very little done ; one conversation led to another ; one conference begot misunder- standings which it took a dozen conferences to explain, at the end of which both parties found themselves just where they had begun, but ten times less likely to come to an agreement. In the midst of these perplexities, which bewildered the brain and incensed the ire of honest Peter, he received private intelligence of the dark conspiracy matured in the British Cabinet, with the astounding fact that a British squadron was already on the way to invade New-Amsterdam by sea; and that CH the wit CHAP. VI.] PETER THB BKADSTRONQ. 2dt the grand council of Amphictyons, while thus beguiling him with subtleties, were actually prepared to cooperate by land! Oh ! how did the sturdy old warrior rage and roar, when he found himself thus entrapped, like n lion in the hunter's toil ! Now did he draw his trusty sword, and determine to break in upon the council of the Amphictyons, and put every mother's son of them to death. Now did he resolve to fight his way throughout all the regions of the east, and to lay waste Connecticut river. Gallant, but unfortunate Peter 1 Did I not enter with sad forebodings on this ill-stnred expedition ? Did I not tremble when I saw thee, with no other counsellor than thine own head ; no other armour but an lniiM'st tongue, a spotless con- science, and a rusty sword ; no oilier protector but St. Nicho- las, and no other attendant but a trumpeter — did I not tremble when I beheld thee thus sally forth to contend with nil the knowing powers of New-England ? It was a long time before the kind-hearted expostulations of Antony Van Corlear, aided by the soothing melody of his trumpet, cduld lower the spirits of Peter Stuyvesant from their warlike and vindictive tone, and prevent his making widows and orphans of half the population of Boston. With great difficulty, he was prevailed upon to bottle up his wrath for the present ; to conceal from the council his knowledge of their machinations ; and by effecting his escape, to be able to arrive in time for the salvation of the Manhattoes. The latter suggestion awakened a new ray of hope in his bosom ; ho forthwith dispatched a secret message to his councillors at New-Amsterdam, apprising them of their dan- ger, and con^nanding them to put the city in a posture of defence, promising to ^ome as soon as possible to their assist- ance. This done, he felt marvellously relieved, rose slowly, shook himself like a rhinoceros, and issued forth from his den, in much the same manner as Giant Despair is described to have issued from Doubting Castle, in the chivnlric history of the Pilgrim's Progress. And now much does it grieve me that I must leave the gallant Peter in this imminent jeopardy; but it behoves us to hurry back and see what is going on at New-Amsterdam, for greatly do I fear that city is already in a turmoil. Such was ever the fate of Peter Stuyvesant ; wliili* doing one thing with heart and doul, he was too apt ,to luuve every thing els') nt f 252 BISTORT OP NEW-TORK. [bOOK VII. sixes and sevens. While, like a potentate of yore, he wns absent attending to those things in person which in modern days are trusted to generals and ambassadors, his little ter- ritory at home was sure to get in an uproar; — all which was owing to that uncommon strength of intellect, which induced him to trust to nobody but himself, and which had acquired him the renowned appellation of Peter the Headstrong. eve cou the 11 nd the tlie the CHAP. VII. There is no sight more truly interesting to a philosopher than a community, where every individual has a voice in public affairs ; where every individual considers himself the Atlas of the nation; and where every individual thinks it his duty to bestir himself for the good of his country — I say, there is nothing more interesting to a philosopher than such a community in a sudden bustle of war. Such clamour of tongues — such patriotic bawling — such running hither and thither — every body in a hurry — every body in trouble — every body in the way, and every body interrupting his neighbour — who is busily employed in doing nothing t It is like witnessing a great fire, where the whole community are agog — some dragging about empty engines, others scamper- ing with ^ull buckets, and spilling the contents into their neighbour's boots, and others ringing the church bells all night, by way of putting out the fire. Little firemen, like sturdy little knights storming a breach, clambering up and down scaling-ladders, and bawling through tin trumpets, by way of directing the attack. Here a fellow, in his great zeal to save the property of the unfortunate, catches up an anony- mous chamber utensil, and gallants it off with an nir of as much self*importance as if he had rescued a pot of money ; there another throws looking-glasses and china )ut of the window, to save them from the flames ; whilst tha 3 who can do nothing else run up and down the streets, keeping up an incessant cry of ** Fire 1 fire! fire !** " When the news an?' i at Sinope," says Luciun — though I own the story is rather trite — " that Philip was about to attack them, the inhabitants were thrown into a violent alarm. Some ran to furbish up their arms ; others rolled stones to build up the walls ; every body, in short, was employed, and [book VII. )re, he wns in modern s little tcT. which waf ich induced d acquired trong. [)hilosophcr a voice in himself the binks it his ;ry — 1 say, r than such clamour of hither and trouble — upting his ing t It is nunity are s scamper- into their h bells all emen, like ig up and impets, by ^reat zeal an anony- nir of as Df money ; >ut of the 3 who can »ing up an — though about to ent alarm, stones to oyed, and CHAP. VII.] rCTER THE HEADSTRONG. 253 every body in the way of his neighbour. Diogenes alone could find nothing to do ; whereupon, not to be idle when the welfare of his country was at stake, he tucked up his robe, and fell to rolling his tub with might and main up and down the Gymnasium.** In like manner did every mother's son in tlie patriotic community of New -Amsterdam, on receiving tiie missives of Peter Stuyvesant, busy himself most mightily in putting things in confusion;, and assisting the general up- roar. " Every man," saith the Stuyvesant manuscript, " flew to arms!" by which is meant, that not one of our honest Dutch citizens would venture to church or to market without an old-fashioned spit of a sword dangling at his side, and a long Dutch fowling-piece on his shoulder ; nor would he go out of a night without a lantern ; nor turn a corner without first peeping cautiously round, lest he should come unawares upon a British army; and we are informed that Stoftel BrinkerhoflT, who was considered by the old women almost as brave a man as the governor himself, actually had two one- pound swivels mounted in his entry, one pointing out at the front door, and the other at the back. But the most strenuous measure resorted to on this awful occasion, and one which has since been found of wonderful etiicacy, was to assemble popular meetings. These brawling convocations, I have already shown, were extremely offensive to Peter Stuyvesant ; but as this wns a moment of unusual agitation, and as the old governor was not present to repress them, they broke out with intolerable violence. Hither, therefore, the orators and politicians repaired ; striving who should bawl loudest, and exceed the others in hyperbolical bursts of patriotism, and in resolutions to uphold and defend the government. In these sage meetings it was resolved that they were the most enlightened, the most dignified, the moat formidable, and the most ancient community upon the face of the earth. This resolution being carried unanimously, another was immediately proposed— whether it were not pos- sible and politic to exterminate Great Britain? upon which sixty-nine members spoke in the affirmative, and only one arose to suggest some doubts, who, as a punishment for his treasonable presumption, was immediately seized by the moby and tarred and feathered, which punishment being equivalent to the Tarpeian Rock, he was afterwards considered as an outcast from society, and his opinion went for nothing. The • 254 'histobt of nkw-yobk. [book YIU question, therefore, being unanimously carried in the aOirraa- tive, it was recommended to the grand council to pass it into a law ; which was accordingly done. By this measure the hearts of the people at large were wonderfully encouraged, and they waxed exceeding choleric and valorous. Indeed, the first paroxysm of alarm having in some measure sub> sided, the old women having buried all the money they could lay their hands on, and their husbands daily getting fuddled with what was left, the community began even to stand on the offensive. Songs were manufactured in Low Dutch, and sung about the streets, wherein the £nglish were most wofuUy beaten, and shown no quarter ; and popular addresses were made, wherein it was proved to a certainty that the fate of Old England depended upon the will of the New-Amster- dammers. Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals of Great Britain, a multitude of the wiser inhabitants assembled, and having purchased all the British manufactures they could find, they made thereof a huge bonfire ; and in the patriotic glow of the moment, every man present, who had a hat or breeches of English workmanship, pulled it ofi*, and threw it into the fiames, to the irreparable detriment, loss, and ruin of the English manufacturers I In eommemoration of this great exploit, they erected a pole on the spot, with a device on the top intended to represent the province of Nieuw- Nederlands destroying Great Britain, under the similitude of an eagle picking the little island of Old Ekigland out of the globe ; but either through the unskilfulness of the sculptor, or his ill-timed waggery, it bore a striking resem- blance to a goose, vainly striving to get hold of a dumpling ! CHAP. vin. ■It will need but little penetration in any one conversant with the ways of that wise but windy potentate, the sovereign people, 10 discover that notwithstanding all the warlike bluster and bustle of the last chapter, the city of New- Amsterdam .was not a whit more prepared for war than before. The privy councillors of Peter Stuy vesant were aware of this ; and, having received his private orders to put the city in an im- mediate posture of defence, they called a meeting of the CIIAP. VIK.] I'ETER THE IIFADSTRONO. 255 oldest and richest burghers to assist them with their wisdom. These were of that order of citizens commonly termed ** men of the greatest weight in the community ;" their weight being estimated by the heaviness of their heads aud of their purses. Their wisdom in fact is apt to be of a ponderous kind, and to hang like a millstone round the neck of tlie community. Two things were unanimously determined in this assembly of venerables : First, that the city required to be put in a state of defence ; and second, that, as the danger was immi- nent, there should be no time lost : which points being set- tled, they fell to making long speeches, and belabouring one another in endless and intemperate disputes. For about this time was this unhappy city first visited by that talking en- demic, so prevalent in this country, and which so invariably evinces itself, wherever a number of wise men assemble together, breaking out in long, windy speeches ; caused, as physicians suppose, by the foul air which is ever generated in a crowd. JNow it was, moreover, that they first introduced the ingenious method of measuring the merits of an harangue by the hour-glass, he being considered the ablest orator who spoke longest on a question. For which excellent invention, it is recorded, we are indebted to the same profound Dutch critic wiio judged of books by their size. This sudden passion for endless harangues, so little con- sonant with the customary gravity and taciturnity of our sage ibrefathers, was supposed by certain philosophers to have been imbibed, together with divers other barbarous propen- sities, from their savage neighbours ; who were peculiarly noted for long talks and council fireSy and never undertook any affair of the least importance, without previous debates and harangues among their chiefs and old men. But the real cause was, that the people, in electing their representa- tives to the grand council, were particular in choosing them for their talents at talking, without inquiring whether they possessed the more rare, ditficult, and oft-times important talent of holding their tongues. The consequence was, that this deliberative body was composed of the most loquacious men in the community. As they considered themselves placed there to talk, every man concluded that his duty to his constituents, and, what is more, his popularity with them, required that he should harangue on every sumect, whether ^1 IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) 4^ 1.0 ^Ki I.I 12^ lU Ui m 12.2 lit IIO HA ■ lllSI^^^S III! ^^^^^B llln^^^^H < 6" » ^ ^ ?: ^e. /a // Sciences Corporalion 4S ^ S: <^ ^. *>** ^. 33 WnT MAM ITMIT WntTN.N.V. 14SM (7U)l73-4»03 4^ v\ ^ 2M HISTORY OF XBW-TOBK. [book VII. he undentood it or not. There was an ancient mode of hurying a chieftain, by every soldier throwing his shield full of earth on the corpse, until a mighty mound was formed ; so, whenevera question was brought forward in this assembly, every member pressing forward to throw on his quantum of wisdom, the subject was quickly buried under a mountain of words. We are told, that disciples on entering the school of Pythagoras, were for two years enjoined silence, and for- bidden either to ask questions, or make remarks. After they had thus acquired the inestimable art of holding their tongues, they were gradually permitted to make inquiries, and finally to communicate their own opinions. With what a beneficial effect could this wise regulation of Pythagoras be introduced in modern legislatv/e bodies — and how wonderfully would it have tended to expedite business in the grand council of the Manhattoes. At this perilous juncture the fatal word economy, the stumbling-block of William the Testy, had been once more set aflor :, according to which the cheapest plan of defence was insisted upon as the best ; it being deemed a great stroke of policy in furnishing powder to economise in balL Thus did Dame Wisdom (whom the wags of antiquity have humourously personified as a woman) seem to take a mis- chievous pleasure in jilting the venerable councillors of New- Amsterdam. To add to the confusion, the old factions of Short Pipes and Long Pipes, which had been almost strangled by the Herculean grasp of Peter Stuy vesant, now sprang up with tenfold vigour. Whatever was proposed by a Short Pipe was opposed by the whole tribe of Long Pipes, who, like true partisans, deemed it their first duty to effect the downfall of their rivals, their second to elevate themselves, and their third to consult the public good ; though many left the third consideration out of question altosether. In this great collision of hard heads, it is astonishing the number of projects that wm struck out } projects which threw the windmill system of William the Testy completelv in the back-ground. These were almost uniformly opposed by the M men of the greatest weight in the community;** your weighty men, though slow to devise, being always great at ** negativing." Among these were a set of fat, self-important old burghers, who smoked their pipes, and said nothing e&* CHAP. IX.] PITER THE HVADeTRONO. 257 cept io n^ttive every plan of defence proposed. These were thftt class of *' conservativeft," who, havin^i^ amassed a fortune, bntton up their pockets, shut their mouths, sink, as it were, into themselves, and pan the rest of their lives in the in- dwelling beatitude of conscious wealth ; as some phlegmatic ojster, having swallowed a pearl, closes its shell, sinks in the mud, and devotes the rest of its life to the conservation of its treasure. Every plan of defence seemed to these worthy old gentlemen pregnant with ruin. An armed force was a legion of locusts, preying upon the public property ; to fit out a naval armament was to throw their money into the sea ; to build fortifications was to bury it in the dirt. In short, they settled it as a sovereign maxim, so long as their pockets were full, no matter how much they were drubbed. A kick left no scar ; a broken head cured itself; but an empty purse was of all maladies the slowest to heal, and one in which nature did nothing for the patient. Thus did this venerable assembly of sages lavish away that time, which the urgency of affairs rendered invaluable, in empty brawls and long-winded speeches, without ever agree- ing, except on the point with which they started, namely, that there was no time to be lost, and delay was ruinous. At length, St. Nicholas taking compassion on their distracted situation, and anxious to preserve them from anarchy, so ordered, that in the midst of one of their most noisy debates on the subject of fortification and defence, when they had nearly fallen to loggerheads in consequence of not being able to convince each other, the question was happily settled by the sudden entrance of a messenger, who informed them that a hostile fleet had arrived, and was actually advancing up the bay ! CHAP. DC JjKE as an assemblage of belligerent cats, gibbering and caterwauling ; eyeing one another with hideous grimaces and contortions ; spitting in each other's faces, and on the point of a general dapper-clawing, are suddenly put to scamper- ing rout and confusion, by the appearance of a houst dog ; so was the no less vociferous council of New* Am- sterdam amased, astounded, and t<^aUy dispersed by tha sudden arrival of the enemy. Every member waddled home 258 H18T0RT OF MEW-TOBK. [BOOK VU. as fast as his short legs ooiild carry him, wheesing as he went with corpulency and terror, iurrived at his castle, he buricaded the street^loor, and buried himself in the cider- cellar, without venturing to peep out, lest he should have his head carried off by a canncm balL The sovereign people crowded into the market-place, herding together with the instinct of sheep, who seek safety in each other's company, when the shepherd and his dog are absent, and the wolf is prowling round the fold. Far from finding relief, however, they only increased each other's terrors. Each man looked ruefully in his neighbour's face, in search of encouragement, but only found in its wo-b^one lineaments a confirmation of his own dismay. Not a word now was to ht heard of conquering Great Britain, not a whisper about the sovereign virtues of economy— while the old women heightened the general gloom by clamorously be- wailing their fate, and calling for protection on St. Nicholas and Peter Stuyvesant. Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the lion-hearted Peter I and how did they long for the comforting presence of Antony Van Corlear ! Indeed a gloomy uncertain^ hung over the fate of these adventurous heroes. Day after day had elapsed since the alarming message from the governor without bringing any further tidings of his safety. Many a fearful conjecture was hasarded, as to what had befallen him and his loyal squire. Had they not been devoured alive by the canibsJs of Marblehead and Cape Cod? Had they not been put to the question by the great council of Amphic- tyons? Had they not been smothered in onions by the terrible men of I^^quag ? In the midst of this oonsternatioa and perplexity, when horror, like a mighty nightmare^ sat brooding upon the little, fat, plethoric city of New- Amsterdam, the ears of the multitude were suddenly startled by the distant sound of a trumpet; — it approached — it grew louder and louder— and now it resounded at the oity gate* The public could not be mistaken in the well-known sound ; a about of joy burst from their lips, as the gallant Peter, covered with dust, and followed by his fiuthful trumpeter, came gallopinc into the market-place. The first transports of Uie populace having subsided, they gathered round the honest Aiitony, as he dismounted, over- whelmiBg him with greetings and ooDgratulations. In l»reath- CHAP. IX.] PBTER TUE HEAOSTRONO. 259 leas accents, he related to them the marvellous adventures through which the old governor and himself had gone, in making their escape from the clutches of the terrible Am- phictyons. But though the Stujvesant manuscript, with its cnsfomary minuteness where anjthing touching the great Peter is concerned, is very particular aa to the incidents of this maateriy retreat, the state of the public affairs will not allow me to indulge in a full recital thereof. Let it suffice to say, that, while Peter Stuyvesant was anxiously revolving in his mind how he could make good his escape with honour and dignity, certain of the ships sent out for the conquest of the Mtuihattoes touched at the eastern ports to obtain supplies, and to call on the grand council of the league for its pro^ mised coK>peration. Upon hearing of this, the vigilant Peter, perceiving that a moment's delay were fatal, made a secret and precipitate decampment, though much did H grieve his lofty soul to be obliged to turn his back even upon a nation of foes. Many hair-breadth 'scapes and diver9 perilons mishaps did they sustain, as tliey scoured, without sound of trumpet, through the fair regions of the east Al^ ready was the country in an uproar with hostile preparation, and they were obliged to take a large circuit in their flight, lurking along through the woody mountains of the Devil's Backbone ; whence the valiant Peter sallied forth, one day like a lion, and put to rout a whole legion of squatters, consist- ing of three generations of a prolific family, who were al- TMdy on their way to take possession of some corner of the New-Netherlands. Nay, the faithful Antony had great difficulty, at sundry times, to prevent him, in the excess of his wrath, from descending down from the mountains, and lalling, sword in hand, upon certain of the border-towns, wlio were marshalling forth their draggle-tailed militia. The first movement of the governor, on reaching his dwelling, was to mount the roof, whence he contemplated with moful aspect the hostile squadron. This had already eome to anchor in the bay, and consisted of two stout frigates, having on board, as John Josaelvn, gent, informs us, " tlire^ hnndrad valiant red coats." luving taken this survey, ha aat himself down, and wrote an epistle to the commander, demanding the reason of his anchoring in the harbour with* oat obtaining previous permission so to do. This letter was ooodied in &e most dignified and coarteous terms, though | sS 260 lUSTOBT OF MEW-TORK. [bOOK TH. have it from undoubted authority that his teeth were clinched, and he had a bitter sardonic grin upon his visage all the while he wrote. Having dispatched his letter, the grim Peter stumped to and fro about the town, with a most war-betoken- ing countenance, his hands thrust into his breeches pockets, and whistling a low Dutch psalm-tune, which bore no small resemblance to the music of a northeast wind, when a storm is brewing. The very dogs, as they eyed him, skulked away in dismay ; while all the old and ugly women of New-Amster- dam ran howling at his heels, imploring him to save them from murder, robbery, and pitiless ravishment ! The reply of Colonel Nichols, who commanded the in- vaders, was couched in terms of equal courtesy- with the letter of the governor, declaring the right and title of his British Majesty to the province; where he affirmed the Dutch to be mere interlopers ; and demanding that the town, forts, etc. should be forthwith rendered into his majesty's obedience and protection ; promising, at the same time, life, liberty, estate, and free trade, to every Dutch denizen who should readily submit to his majesty's government. Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle with some such harmony of aspect as we may suppose a crusty farmer reads the loving letter of John Stiles, warning him of ati ac- tion of ejectment. He was not, however, to be taken by surprise; but, thrusting the summons into his breeches pocket, stalked three times across the room, took a pinch of snuff with great vehemence, and then, loftily waving his hand, promised to send an answer the next morning. He now summoned a general meeting of his privy councillors and burgomasters, not to ask their advice, for confident in his own strong head, he needed no man's counsel, but apparently to give them a piece of his mind on their late craven conduct. His orders being duly promulgated, it was a piteous sight to behold the late valiant burgomasters, who had demolished the whole British empire in their harangues, peeping ruefully out of their hiding-places ; crawling cautiously forth ; dodging through narrow lanes and alleys ; starting at every little dog that barked ; mistaking lamp-posts for British grenadiers ; and, in the excess of their panic, metamorphosing pumps into formidable soldiers, levelling blunderbusses at their bosoms ! Having, however, in despite of numerous perils and difficul- ties of the kind, arrived safe, without the loss of a single man, CHAP. IX.] PETER THE HEADSTRONG. 261 at the hall of assembly, they- took their seats, and awaited in fearful silence the arrival of the governor. In a few mo- ments the wooden leg of the intrepid Peter was heard in regular and stout-hearted thumps upon the staircase. He entered the chamber, arrayed in full suit of regimentals, and carrying his trusty toledo^ not girded on his thigh, but tucked under his arm. As the governor never equipped him- self in this portentous manner unless something of martial nature were working within his pericranium, his council re- garded him ruefully, as if they saw fire and sword in his iron countenance, and forgot to light their pipes in breathless, suspense. His first words were, to rate his council soundly for having wasted in idle debate and party feud the time which should have been devoted to putting the city in a state of defence. He was particularly indignant at those brawlers who had disgraced the councils of the province by empty bickerings aiid scurrilous invectives against an absent enemy. He now called upon them to make good their words by deeds, as the enemy they had defied and derided was at the gate. Finally, he informed them of the summons he had received to sur- render, but concluded by swearing to defend the province as long as Heaven was on his side, and he had a wooden leg to stand upon; which warlike sentence he emphasized by a thwack with the fiat of his sword upon the table, that quite electrified his auditors. The privy councillors, who had long since been brought into as perfect discipline as were ever the soldiers of the great Frederick, knew there was no use in saying a word, so lighted their pipes, and smoked away in silence, like fut and discreet councillors. But the burgomasters, being inflated with considerable importance and self-sufficiency, acquired at popular meetings, were not so easily satisfied. Mustering up. fresh spirit, when they found there was some chance of es- caping from their present jeopardy without the disagreeable alternative of fighting, they requested a copy of the summons to surrender, that they might show it to a general meeting of the people. So insolent and mutinous a request would have been anoagh to have roused the gorge of the tranquil Van Twiller himself— what, then, roust have been its effect upon the great Stuyvesant, who was not only a Dutchman, a governor, I 9 262 HISTOBT OP NBW-TOSK. [bOQK VU. and A valiant wooden legged soldier to boot, but withal a man of the most stomacht'ui and gunpowder disposition ? He burst forth into a blaze of indignation, —swore not a mother's son of them should see a syllable of it; that as to their advice or concurrence, be did not care a whiff of tobacco for either ; that they might go home, and go to bed like old women, fw he was determined to defend the colony himself, without the assistance of them or their adherents ! So saying, he tucked his sword under his arm, cocked his hat upon his head, and girding up his loins, stumped indignantly out of the council- Chamber, every body making room for lum as he passed. No sooner was he gone than the busy burgomasters called ft public meeting in front of the stadt-house, where they ap- pointed as chairman one Dofue Boerback, formerly a med- dlesome member of the cabinet during the reign of William the Testy, but kicked out of office by Peter Stuyvesant on taking the reins of government. He was, witha^ a mighty gingterbread baker in the land, and reverenced by the po-. pula6e as a man of dark knowledge, seeing that he was the filrst to imprint New-year cakes with the mysterious hiero- glyi^ics of the Cock and Breeches, and such like magical devices. This burgomaster, who still chewed the cud of ill-will against Peter Stuyvesant, addressed the multitude in what is called a patriotic speech, informing them of the courteous summons which the governor had received to surrender, of his refusal to comply therewith, and of his denying the public even a sight of the summons^ which doubdess contained conditions highly to the honour and ad- vantage of the province. He then proceeded to speak of his excellent in high* sounding terms of vituperation, suited to the dignity of hi* station ( c^ blood-stained tablet of history; that ages would roll back with sudden horror when they came to view it; that the womb of time (by the way, your orators and writers take strange libelrties with the womb of time, thou^ aone wmiU' fain £ive us believe that time is an old gentlenan)— that tkm womb of time, pregnant as it wM with direful Imrw^ W011I4 OBAP. Z.] PBTKR THS HBAlMTBOlrO. S6S never prodaoe a parallel enormity ; with a variety of other heart-rending, soul-stirring tropes and figares, which I can- not enumerate ; neither, indeed, need I, for they were of the kind which even to the present day form the style of popular harangues and patriotic orations^ and may be classed in rhetoric under the general title of Rigmarole. ' The result of this speech of the inspired burgomaster was a memorial addressed to the governor, remonstrating in good round terms on his conduct. It was proposed that Dofue Roerback himself should be the bearer of this memorial ; bat tiiis he warily declined, having no inclination of coming again within kicking distance of his excellency. Who did deliver it has never been named in history ; in which neglect he has suffered grievous wrong, seeing that he was equally worthy of blazon with him perpetuated in Scottish sopg and story by die surname of Bell-the-cat. All we know of the fate of this memorial is, that it Was used by the grim Peter to light his pipe ; which, from the vehemence with which he smoked it^ was evidently any thing but a pipe of peace. M CHAP. X. Now did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt shower down 8 pannier load of maledictions upon his burgomasters for a set of self-willed, obstinate, factious varlets, who would neither be convinced nor persuaded. Nor did he omit to bestow some leftrhanded compliments upon the sovereign people, as a herd of poltroons, who had no relish for the g! > < >us hard- ships and illustrious misadventures of battle, Ko€ fhetious subjects and Jesuitical advisers. j«>i Just at this ill-chosen juncture, the offidous burgomaatersy, who had heard of the arrival of mysterious dispatches, came^ OMurching in a body into the room, with a legion of achepens and toad-eatera at their heels, and abruptly demanded a perusal of the letter. This was too much for the spleen ci l^atet! Stuyvesant. He tore the letter in a thousand pieces-^ threw it in the face of the nearest burgomaster — broke his piffe 6Ver the head of the next—* hurled his spitting-boi; at an unlucky schepen, who was just retreating out at the door» and finally prorogued the whole meeting tine die, by kiokii%.' them downstairs with his wooden \eg^. As soon as the burgomasters could recover fr(Ma their eon- fusion and had time to breathe, they caUed a puUie meetingt where they reUited at full length* atid with appropriate cok>nr- iig and exaggeration, the despotic and vindictiye deportment of the governor } de^uing that, for their own parts, they did notrakie a straw the being kicked, cuffed, and mauled by. the timber toe of his excellency, but that they felt for. tha. dignity of the sovereign people, thus rudely insulted by the otitrage committed on the seat of honour of their representa^ tivesk The latter part of ihe harangue came home at once to that delicacy of feeling, and jealous pride of oharact^, v«sted in all tsue mobs ; who, though they may hear injurie*; nHthottt a munnor, ywfc are marveUonsly jeabus of their sovereign dignity^; , and there is no knowing to what act o£. resentment they might hare been provoked, had they aoi. been somewhat more afraid of their, sturdy old governor thaa they Were of StJ^iohobM, the English, or the d-^^ himself^ it-(ji. J . , ,,. , ... . ,. . CHAP. XI.] PKTBR THX HEAMTBONO. 90r CHAP. XI. TuBRE is something exceedingly sublime and melancholy in the spectacle which the present orisis of our history prusentSk An illustrious and venerable little city — the metropolis of a vast extent of uninhabited country —garrisoned by a doughty^ host of orators, chairmen, committee-men, burgomasters, sohepens, and old women — governed by a determined and strong-headed warrior, and fortified by mud batteries, pali- sadoes, and resolutions — blockaded by sea, beleaguered by land, and threatened with direful desolation from without; while its very vitals are torn with internal faction and com- motion ! Never did historic pen record a page of more com- plicated distress, unless it be the strife that distracted the Israelites during the siege of Jerusalem, where discordant parties were cutting each other's throats, at the moment when the victorious legions of Titus had toppled down their bulwarks, and were carrying fire and sword into the very sanctum sanctorum of the temple! Grovemor Stuyvesant having triumphantly put his grand council to the rout, and delivered himself from a multitude of impertinent advisers, dispatched a categorical reply tq the commanders of the invading squadron ; ^wherein he asserted the right and title of their High Mightinesses the Lords States Greneral to the province of New-Netherlands, and trusting; iik the righteousness of his cause, set the whole British nation at defiance! My anxiety to extricate my readers and myself from these cBsastrous scenes prevents me from giving the whole of this gallant letter, whidii concluded in these manly and affectionate tMoBt ** As touching' th^ threats in your oonelnsion^ we have- nothing to answer, tMily that we fear nothing but what Qod' (who is as just as merciful) riiall lay upon us} «U things- being in his giraeibtts dispoHd, and we may as well be pre^ served by hiih irith small forces as by a great army; whioh makes us to wish you all happiness wnd prosperity, and re» oonuhend voti to bis protection. •^ My lord% your thrioe Ihiioiibto and iiffectionate servant And ^end, : Thus having thrown his gaii^tle^ the brave Peter stiicl: il* ii ! I i Hi II ; 268 BISTORT OF NEW-TORK. [book VII. pair of horse-pistolg in his belt, girded an immense powder- horn on his side, thrust his sound leg into a Hessian boot, and clapping his fierce little war-hat on the top of his head, paraded up and down in front of his house, determined to defend his beloved city to the last. While all these struggles and dissensions were prevailing in the unhappy city of New- Amsterdam, and while its worthy but ill-starred governor was framing the above-quoted letter, the English commanders did not remain idle. They had agents secretly employed to foment the feat's and clamours of the populace ; and moreover circulated far and wide, through the adjacent country, a proclamation, repeating the terms they had already held out in their summons to surrender, at the same time beguiling the simple Nederlanders with the roost crafty and conciliating professions. They promised that every man who voluntarily submitted to the authority of his British Miyesty should retain peaceful possession of his house, his vrouw, and his cabbage-garden. That he should be suffered to smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, wear as many breeches as he pleased, and import bricks, tiles, and stone jugs from Holland, instead of manufacturing them on the spot. That he should on no account be compelled to learn the English language, nor eat codfish on Saturdays, nor keep accounts in any other way than by casting them up on his fingers, and chalking them down upon the crown of his. liat ; as is observed among the Dutch yeomanry at the present day. That every man should be allowed quietly to inherit his father's hat, coat, shoe-buckles, pipe, and every other per- sonal appendage ; and that no man should be obliged to con- form to any improvements, inventions, or any other modem innovations; but, on the contrary, should be permitted to build his house, follow his trade, manage his farm, rear his; hogs, and educate his children, preciselv as his ancestors had doQe before him from time immemonal. Finally, that he should have all the benefits of free trade, and should not be required to acknowledge any other saint in the calendar than St. Nicholas, who should thenceforward| m before, be con- sidered the tutelar saint of the city. Th^se terms, as may be supposed, appeared very satisfac- tory to the people, who had a great disposition to ei\)oy their property uiunolestod, and a most sinsular aversion to engage in a contest, where they could gain little more than honour and broken heads ; the first of which they held in philosophio I, wear us CHAP. XI.] PETER THE HKADSTROKO. indifference, the latter in utter detestation. By these insidious means, therefore, did the English succeed in alienating the confidence and affections of the populace from their gallant old governor, whom they considered as obstinately bent upon running them into hideous misadventures ; and did not hesi- tate to speak their minds freely, and abuse him most heartily, behind his back. Like as a mighty grampus, when assailed and buffeted by roaring waves and brawling surges, still keeps on an unde- viating course, rising above the boisterous billows, spouting and blowing as he emerges ; so did the inflexible Peter pursue, unwavering, his determined career, and rise, contemptuous, above the clamours of the rabble. But when the British warriors found that he set their power at defiance, they dispatched recruiting officers to Jamaica and Jericho^ and Nineveh, and Quag, and Patchog, and all those towns on Long Island which had been subdued of yoro by Stoffel Brinkerhoff; stirring up the progeny of Preserved Fish, and Determined Cock, and those other New-England squatters, to assail the city of New-Amsterdam by land; while the hostile ships prepared for an assault by water. The streets of New- Amsterdam now presented a scene of wild dismay and consternation. In vain did Peter Stuyvesant order the citizens to arm and assemble on the Battery. Blank terror reigned over the community. The whole party of Short Pipes in the course of a single night had changed into arrant old women — a metamorphosis only to be paralleled by the prodigies recorded by Livy as having happened at Rome at the approach of Hannibal, when statues sweated in pure affright, goats were converted into sheep, and cocks, turning into hens, ran cackling about the street. Thus baffled in all attempts to put the city in a state of defence, blockaded from without, tormented from within, and menaced with a Yankee invasion, even the stiff-necked will of Peter Stuyvesant for once gave way, and in spite of his mighty heart, which swelled in his throat until it nearly choked him, he consented to a treaty of surrender. Words cannot express the transports of the populace on receiving this intelligence ; had they obtained a conquest over their enemies, they could not have indulged greater delight. The streets resounded with their congratulations — they ex- tolled their governor as the father and deliveror of his country •-they crowded to his house to testify their gratitude, and were 11 270 HUTOBT OF meW-TORK. [bookvii. ten times more noisy in their plaudits than when he returned, with victory perched npNetherIands were thos overran by the British, as Spain in ancient days by the Saracens, a reso- Inte band refused to bend the neck to the invader. Led by one Garret Van Horno, n valorous and gigantic Dutchman, they crossed the bay and buried themselves among the marshes and cabbage-gardens of Commani- Skw, as did Pelayo and his followers among the mountains of Asturiai. ere their descendants have remained ever since, keeping themselves apart, like seed corn, to repeople the ci^ with the genuine breed, whenever it shall be effectually recovered from its intradcrs. It is said the genuine descendants of the Nederlanders who inhabit New- York still look with longing eyes to the green marshes of ancient Pavonia, as did the conquered Spaniards of yore to the stern mountains of Astorias, consideriog these tlie regions whence deliverance is to come. CHAP. XIL Thus then have I concluded this great historical enterprise ; but before I lay aside my weary pen, there yet remains to be performed one pious duty. If, among the variety of readers who may peruse this book, there should haply be found any of those souls of true nobility, which glow with celestial fir^ at the history of the generous and the brave, they will doubt- less be anxious to know the fate of the gallant Peter Stuy. vesant. To gratify one such sterling heart of gold, I would go more lengths than to instruct the colcUblooded curiosity of a whole fraternity of philosophers. No sooner had that high-mettled cavalier signed the articles of capitulation, than, determined not to witness the humili- ation of his favourite city, he turned his back on its walls^ and made a growling retreat to his bowery^ or country«sea^ which was situated about two miles off; where he passed the remainder of his days in patriarchal retirement There he enjoyed that tranquillity of mind, which he had never known amid the distracting cares of government, and tasted the sweets of absolute and uncontrolled authoritv, which his factious subjects had so often dashed with the bitterness of opposition. BOOK Tn« OHAP. XII.] PBTEB THK HKADeTRONtl. 273 No penuauons could ever Induce him to revisit tlie city ; on the contrary, he would always have his great arm-chair placed with its back to the windows which looked in that direction, until a thick grove of trees, planted by his own hand, grew up and formed a screen that effectually excluded it from the prospect. He railed continually at the degenerate innovations and improvements introduced by the conquerors —forbade a word of their detested language to be spoken in his family, a prohibition readily obey^, since none of the household could speak any thing but Dutch, and even or* dered a fine avenue to be cut down in front of his house because it consisted of English cherry-trees. The same incessant vigilance, which blazed forth when he had a vast province under his care, now showed itself with equal vigour, though in narrower limits. He patrolled with unceasing watchfulness the boundaries of his little territory ; repelled every encroachment with intrepid promptness; pa<» nished every vagrant depredation upon his orchard or his farmyard with inflexible severity, and conducted every stray hog or cow in triumph to the pound. But to the in* digent neighbour, the friendless stranger, or the weary wan- derer, his spacious doors were ever open, and his capacious fireplace, that emblem of his own warm and generous heart, had always a corner to receive and cherish them. There was an exception to this, I must confess, in case the ill* starred applicant were an Englishman or a Yankee ; to whom, though he might extend the hand of assistance, he could never be brought to yield the rites of hospitality. Nav^ if peradventure some straggling merchant of the east should stop at his door, with his cart-load of tin ware or wooden bowls, the fiery Peter would issue forth like a giant from hit castle, and make such a furious clattering among his pots and kettles, that the vender of ** notiont " was fain to betake himself to instant flight. His suit of regimentals, worn threadbare by the brush, was carefully hung up in the state bed-chamber, and regu- larly aired the first fair day of every month ; and his cocked hat and trusty sword were suspended in grim repose over the parlour mantel-piece, forming supporters to a full-length portrait of the renowned admiral Von Tromp. In his do- meatie empire he maintained strict discipline, and a well- ofganiMd deapotid government ; but though his own will I ; it'' m HISTOBT OP NEW-rORK. [book vn. was the sapreme law, yet the good of his subjects was his constant object. He watched over, not merely their imme' diate comforts, but their morals and their ultimate welfare ; for he gave them abundance of excellent admonition ; nor could ■ any of them complain, that, when occasion required, he was by any means niggardly in bestowing wholesome correction. The good old Dutch festivals, those periodical demonstra- tions of an overflowing heart and a thankful spirit, which are falling into sad disuse among my fellow-citizens, were faith* fully observed in the mansion of Governor Stuy vesant. New- year was truly a day of open-handed libendity, of jocund revelry and warm-hearted congratulation, when the bosom Swelled with genial good-fellowship, and the plenteous table was attended with an unceremonious freedom, and honest broad-mouthed merriment unknown in these days of degene- mej and refinement. Paas and Pinxter were scrupulously observed throughout his dominions ; nor was the day of SL Nicholas suffered to pass by without making presents, hang- ing the stocking in the chimney, And complying with all its other ceremonies. ' Once a-year, on the first day of April, he used to amy himself in full regimentals, being the anniversary of his tri- umphal entry into New- Amsterdam, after the conquest of New-Sweden. This was always a kind of saturnalia among the domestics, when they considered themselves at liberty, in some measure, to say and do what they pleased, for on thii day their master was always observed to unbend and be^ come exceeding pleasant and jocose, sending the old grey- headed negroes on April-fool's errands for pigeons' milk; not one of whom but allowed himself to be taken in, uid humoured his old master's jokes, as became a faithful and well-disciplined dependant Thus did he reign, happily and peacefully on his own land, injuring no man, envying no man, molested by no outward strifes, perplexed by no inter- nd commotions ; and the mighty monarcbs of the earth, who wtoe vainly seeking to maintain peace, and promote the wel- hn of mankind, by war and desolation, would have done wdl to have made a voyage to the little island of Manna- hata, and learned a lesson in government from the domeitle economy of Peter Stuy vesant la process of time, however, the old govemo)*, like all other ehildren of mortality, began to exhibit evident tokens of de^ cay. Like an aged oak, which, though it long has braved CHAP. XXL] PKTBR THB HKADSTllOMa. tn the furj of the elements, and still retains its gigantic prcH portions, b^ins to shake and groan with every blast — so wai It with the gallant Peter ; for though he still bore the port and semblance of what he was in the days of his hardihood and chivalry, yet did age and infirmity begin to sap the vigour of his frame — bilt his heart, that unconquerable cita* del, still triumphed unsubdued. With matchless avidity would he listen to every article of intelligence concerning the battles between the English and Dutch } still would hU pulse beat high, whenever he heard of the victories of £>• Ruyter— and Ids countenance lower, and his eyebrows knit, when fortune turned in favour of the English. At length, •$ on a certain day he had just smoked his fifth pipe, and wat napping after dinner in his arm-chair, conquering the whole British nation in his dreams, he was suddenly aroused by a ringing of bells, rattling of drums, and roaring of cannon, that put all his blood in a ferment. But when he learnt that these r^oicings were in honour of a great victory obtained by the combined English and French fleets over the brave De Buyter and the younger Von Tromp, it went so much ta his heart that he took to his bed, and in less than three days was brought to death's door by a violent cholera morbus ! Eyen in this extremity he still displayed the unconquerable spirit of Peter the HeadUrong — hokUng out to the last gasp with inflexible obstinacy against a whole army of old women, who were bent upon driving the enemy out of his bowels^ in the (rue Dutch mode of defenoe, by inundation. While he thus lay, lingering on the verge of dissolution, news was brought him that the brave De Buyter had made good his retreat with little loss, and meant once more to meet the enemy in battle. The closing eye of the old warrior kindled with martial fire at the words, he partly raised him* self in bed, clinched his withered hand as if he felt within bis gripe that sword which waved in triumph before the walls of Fort Christina, and giving a grim smile pf exulta-* tion, aank back upon his pillow, and expired. . Thus died Peter Stuy vesant, a valiant soldier, a byal sub* jeet, an upright governor, and an honest Dutchman, who wanted only a few empires to desolate, to have been immor* tatised as a hero ! Hi* funeral obsequies were celebrated with the utmost grandeur and solemnity. The town was perfectly emptied 276 BISTORT OF NEW-TOSK* [bookth. of its inhabitants, who crowded in throngs to pay the last sad honours to their good old governor. All his sterling qualiiiea rushed in full tide upon their recollection, while the memory of his foibles and his faults had expired with him. The an* cient burghers contended who shoi^d have the privil^e of bearing the pall ; the populace strove who should walk nearest to the bier, and the melancholy procession was closed by a number of grey-headed negroes, who had wintered and ftummered in the household of their departed master for the greater part of a century. With sad and gloomy countenances, the multitude gathered tound the grave. They dwelt with mournful hearts on the sturdy virtues, the signal services, and the gallant exploits of the brave old worthy. They recalled, with secret up- braidings, their own factious oppositions to his government ; and many an ancient burgher, whose phlegmatic features had never been known to relax, nor his eyes to moisten, was now observed to puff a pensive pipe, and the big drop to steal down his cheek ; while he muttered, with affectionate accent^ and melancholy shake of the head, " Well, den ! — Hardkoppig Peter ben gone at last!" - His remains were deposited in the family vault, under a chapel which he had piously erected on his estate, and dedicated to St. Nicholas, and which stood on the identical spot at present occupied by St. Mark's church, where his tombstone is still to be seen. His estate, or bowery^ as it was called, has ever continued in the possession of his descendants, who, by the uniform integrity of their conduct, and their strict adherence to the customs and manners that prevailed in the ** good old timeSf* have proved themselves worthy of their illustrious ancestor. Many a time and oft has the farm been haunted at night by enterprising money-diggers, in quest of t)ot8 of gold, said to have been buried by the old governor, though I cannot learn that any of them have ever been enriched by their researches ; and who is there, among my native* bora fellow-citixens, that does not remember when, in the mischievous days of his boyhood, he conceived it a great (exploit to rob ** Stuy vesant's orchard" on a holiday atWr*. noon ? At this stronghold of the family may still be seen certata memorials of the immortal Peter. His full-length portrait frowns in martial terrors from the -parlour wall } his cooked hat and sword still hang up in the best bed-room ; his brim- CRAP. Xm.] PETBR Tin BEADSTB0M<3. 277 6tone-oolonred breeches were for a long while suspended in the hall, until some years since they occasioned a dispute between a new-married couple; and his silver-mounted wooden leg is still treasured up in the store-room as an in- valuable relique. CHAP. XIII. Among the numerous events, which are each in their turn the most direful and melancholy of all possible occurrences, in your interesting and authentic history, there is none that occasions such deep and heart-rending grief as the decline and fall of your renowned and mighty empires. Where is the reader who can contemplate without emotion the disastrous events by which the great djmasties of the world have been extinguished ? While wandering, in imagination, among the gigantic ruins of states and empires, and marking the tre- mendous convulsions that wrought their overthrow, the bosom of the melancholy inquirer swells with sympathy commen- surate to the surrounding desolation. Kingdoms, principal- ities, and powers, have each liad their rise, their progress, and their downfall ; each in its turn has swayed a potent sceptre ; each has returned to its primasval nothingness. And thus did it fare with the empire of their High Mightinesses, at the Manhattoes, under the peaceful reign of Walter the Doubter, the fretful reign of William the Testy, and the cliivalric reign of Peter the Headstrong. Its history is fruitful of instruction, and worthy of being pondered over attentively ; for it is by thus raking among the ashes of departed greatness, that the sparks of true knowledge are to be found, and the lamp of wisdom illuminated. Let then the reign of Walter the Doubter warn agains; yielding to that sleek, contented security, and that overweening fond- ness for comfort and repose, which are produced by a state of prosperity and peace. These tend to unnerve a nation ; to destroy its pride of character ; to render it patient of insult ; deaf to the calls of honour and of justice ; and cause it to cling to peace, like the sluggard to his pillow, at the expense of every valuable duty and consideration. Such supinenesa ensures the very evil from which it shrinks. One right yielded up produces the usurpation of a second; one en- croachment passively suffered makes way for another ; and the nation which thu% through « doting lov« of peac^ hat 278 EonoRT OP vmw'YoaK, [book m« •acrifioed honour and mterest, will at length hare to fight for ezUtence. Let the disastrous reign of William the Testy serve as a aalutarj warning against that fittul, feverish mode of l^isla- tion, which acts without system, depends on shifts and pr6- jects, and trusts to lucky contingencies; which hesitates* and wavers, and at length decides with the rashness of ig- norance and imbecility ; which stoops for popularity by eourting the prejudices and flattering the arrogance, rather than commanding the respect, of the rabble ; which seeks safety in a multitude of counsellors, and distracts itself by a variety of contradictory schemes and opinions ; which mis* takes procrastination for wariness — hurry for decision-— parsimony for economy — bustle for business, and vapouring for valour ; which is violent in council, sanguine in expec- tation, precipitate in action, and feeble in execution ; which undertakes enterprises without forethought, enters upon them without preparation, conducts them without energy, and ends them in confusion and defeat. Let the reign of the good Stayvesant diow the effects of vigour and decision, even when destitute of cool judgment, and surrounded by perplexities. Let it show how frankness, probity, and high-souled. courage will command respect and secure honour, even where success is unattainable. But, al the same time, let it caution against a too ready reliance on the good faith of others, and a too honest ccmfidence in tho loving professions of powerful neighbours, who are most fintodly when they most mean to betray. Let it teach a ju- dicious attenUon to the opinions and wishes hatiEi'I ^ 4?- loo : SporruwMvn and Shaw, Ijlp^h jaiifo 8ym>> •^: >N. BOOK YILJ i\\, which, in cordial Dce. That patriarchs e as goody will here- have very when the /olumbus) ible could hould any d heartily snetration by teiltng iUing him ;enious in thousand ifitof his ng of my ion, and £ ing them sspise the ff though it perfect not prove. anty fruit he dainty it for it ia rit. 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