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 i::"t;:s. 
 
 
 T U h: n U M URDU S S f [) E 
 F C A N A D I A N // ,/ 3 T R ^ 
 New York - 18 7 ? 
 
CANADA 
 
 PUBLIC ARCHIVES 
 ARCHIVES PUBLIQUES 
 
THK HUMOROUS S[|)i': OI^ CANADIAN 
 
 HISTORY. 
 
 J. iV. HENUOUGH, Editor Toroulo Cnp. 
 
 Read before the Caiuidian Club 
 of iVfw Vork. 
 
 AN I convey to you, in the hour 
 at my disposal, as much sohd 
 infonnatictn as you may be in need 
 of? Probably yea, because the 
 lectures given in this course, under 
 the auspices of the Canadian Clul), 
 have naturally pertained to that 
 glorious country, Canada. But. so 
 far as I am aware, no speaker has 
 yet dealt systematically with the liistory ol' Canada. 
 
 Pending the arrival of Mr. Goldwin Smith, who is at 
 I)resent engaged umpiring for the foot-ball club at Cornell, 
 I i)ropose to devote my hour to the subject suggested, and in 
 case Mr. Smith should fee! ofTended by my intrusion into hfr, 
 special domain, I will endeavor to mollify him in advance bv 
 
94 
 
 New Papers on Canadian Hisiory, 
 
 making a pretty portrait of him right here. [A rapid sketch 
 here set forth a picture r.t once recognized by the audience as 
 — not Goldwin Smith— but Mr. Whitelaw Reid,] 
 
 Perliaps, before going on, I ought to apologize to tlie 
 American portion of my audience for not having ciiosen a theme 
 of greater novelty to them than the History of Canada. I had 
 anticipated an audience made up chiefly of Canadians, but it is 
 too late now to rectify the mistake. I am well aware that the 
 citizens of tlie United States arc just as familiar with Canada, 
 her history and her affairs, as they luv with Chine.-,e Tartary. 
 and I can hardly hope to tell them anything they do not know. 
 But in view of the fact that Canada and the Republic have 
 many features in common, besides baseball, and that man\' 
 more or less distant relatives of American . ,zcns are residing 
 in that country, having in a few cases been struck somewhat 
 suddenly by its charms as a place of residence, and having 
 since e.vhibited a clinging aftection for it, which few native 
 Catiadians can rival, it seems to me that all will be interested 
 in the tlieme I have selected. 
 
 Canada is the name given to the greater portion of the 
 continent of Nortli America, and politically it is an integral 
 portion of the British Empire. I mention this because there is 
 an impression prevailing in Ohio and some other foreign coun- 
 tries, that Canada is owned by a railway syndicate. This is a 
 mistake. Nominally Canada belongs to Great Britain, it con- 
 tributes the adjective to the title, as Britain itself is only a small 
 affair, but really and practically the vast Dominion is owned 
 and run by the handsome and picturesque people so well 
 represented in blanket suits on the present occasion. [Allud- 
 
 )%V 
 
 ) 
 
 
 
 
Ar/, Sciefui', IJleratiiri, a?id Commerce. 
 
 Vf 
 
 in^tothc nnifoimcd snoushocrs raiiKcd upon the })iatf(.rm.| 
 I iiKiy just remark Irm-c. /•// passotiir^ as they say in Montreal, 
 that the Canadian people when at home, invariably dress in 
 the costume here shown, just as the people of New Jersey vvea. 
 long-tailed coats and short breeches with straps to them, and 
 bell-crowned beaver hats, with stars on their waistcoats and 
 stripes on their pantaloons. It's the national costume you 
 know, hut they rarely venture out of the country with such 
 ^,^ood clothes on. When .i Canadian makc-s up his n.ind to sottl.- 
 iii New York, he invariably adopts the Ne\^ York <;tyie ot 
 dress. I fc chan-es his clothes at the border, and then he ^^ocs 
 in like a re^^dar American, to Wall .Street " born." Hdorc lon^. 
 so far as outward appearance j^^oes, he would j.ass for a native 
 New \'orker, and you could only tel! he was a. Canadian by 
 contemplating the number of islands he owns and the ma-niiud'e 
 of his ferry franchises. And this leads me to remark tluit when 
 M. Bartholdi dressed that statue of his in Greek ciothm-, he 
 availed himself of a poetic license. Canadians of the stJrncr 
 sex urvi-r dress that way, never. To illustrate this point 1 will 
 here make a rough sketch of the statue, as pictures of it are so 
 rare in this city that its sh.ipe n)ay have escaped your memory. 
 Not only in the matter of costume, but also in the features, 
 Bartholdi, with true i'rcnch naivctc, c uleavored to conceal the 
 fact that in this great work of art he was paying a delicate 
 compliment to a Canadian. He was afraid Mr. VViman mightn't 
 hke it if made too literal. For I suppose it is pretty well 
 known by this time that the statue is really meant for Wiman. 
 The very fact that it stands there bossing an island is enough 
 to suggest this, even if Bartholdi had never confessed his real 
 
96 
 
 New Papers on Canadian History, 
 
 desigti. To be sure, mustache mmX tnutton-cliops do not look 
 well in bronze, but they're all rij^ht on paper, and they're 
 necessary in this case to expose iiartholdi's pleasant allej^ory. 
 All that remains to be chan^^cd now is tiie legeml, which is riot 
 
 
 'I T7A 
 
 
 " Liberty Enlightening the World," Hui " Wiman Defying New 
 Jersey." 
 
 This, however, is a digression from our historical subject. 
 Canada was discovered by Jacques-Cartier, while engaged in a 
 fishing cruise around the banks of New Foundland. From the 
 banks to Canada would seem to be an unerring impulse of the 
 
^U/, Stunci', Liicyatiirc, and Comnnrcc. 
 
 97 
 
 human niind. ft is not true, however, that Oirtier is French 
 fo. cas/urr. and time has fully vindicated this ^^entlcr.an' , 
 character, as the hanks of New I.\,nn<lland are to-day a. snund 
 as ever. The coincidence was startliiu-. it must be confessc-d 
 ^in<l we c;.n therefore excuse the newspapers ol the dav for 
 H.nun^ that there was somethino fishy aboa. ids .udden 
 flcj^artnre. 
 
 i-|)is event occurred some time after Christ^.pher Coknnhus 
 lM<I t.>t n, his work. And Columbus, by the uay. as an illus- 
 tration ot patience and perseverance is worthy even of the study 
 ot those ^uod Democratic statesmen who are waitin.^ fo'r 
 Ueveland to "turn the rascals out." 1 don't know "".vhat 
 Columbus lonked like, but J feel sure that upon h.s counten- 
 .nice was stamped a calm tra.iquil expression that no delays and 
 d,scoura.rem..nt. could change, if so, he didn't look much like 
 tins. [Here a wild-lnokmg sketch o[ Mr. C. A. Dana wa. uiven { 
 t<>n.,der what Chris i,ad to ^^o throu^di befo.e L -ot 
 started on that memorable voyage to India,. It took \nn^ jtst 
 twenty years to get s-„;ed. Now, ,f it had been that he had 
 to wait for Mrs. C. . . to get dressed, we wouldn't have wondered 
 so much. Hut the trouble wasn't of that kind, it was purely 
 financial. He couldn't sail without raising the wind, and mark 
 h.s wonderful pat.ence in ra.sing it. Twenty year.s. The trouble 
 was, nobody beheved in his scheme as sound, and in the public 
 niterest. If it had been a surface-line franchise he was after 
 he might have convinced the Aldermen, but Christopher 
 wasn't Shar/,. It never occurred to him to ^^t the ladi^ s of the 
 Congregation to go around with the book, though as a matter 
 of fact he succeeded at last by the aid of a lady. Queen Tsabella 
 
oS 
 
 AVu' Pii/yrrs Of! Canatiiim I fistory 
 
 of Ca-^tiU.-. wliosc ii.unc is to this day a swcot smellinj^ savor, 
 I'lnbalnicd ii^ {in iuiinorta! kind of s»>ap, " Matchk-^s for the 
 complexion. Yours truly, LlIA' [.ANcri'RN." 
 
 Coluinhus went from court to court after tin: !)oodle, it s a 
 way hoodlers have of i^^oinj^^ from court to court, if you notice — 
 and at last he found a friend in I'Y-rdiiiand. h\rdinand liad a 
 lot of the [)roceeds salted down, <is vv.is j^rener.dly susj)etted, 
 antt he »^ave Cohind)us a check for th<' required amount, 
 remarking;, "(io West, youn^^ man, and tn-ow uj> with the 
 couritry." Thus war- ; -tience rewarded. '\\\c. voyage wa,s a 
 severe one, everybody was sick of it and mutinied. Columbus 
 stood on the quarter deck with his guitar and sang to the moon 
 about eveiything being at sixes and at sevens. \ bird alighted 
 on tlie t<ipmast ! Omen of success : l.antl must be nigh. With 
 one rapiil ghuice Llie {.tiercing eye of Columbus sei/.es the hap()y 
 j)ortent. The fact tluit it w.is an lia^^lc [)roved that land must 
 be nea^- ; v.hile the shield of stars and bars U[)on its breast, the 
 Canada codfish falling froin its talons, the ninety-cent dollar 
 hanging from its neck, and finally its piercing cry of Ji 
 I'ltiriltHs Oiiini proved that that land could be no other than 
 America, where all men are born free and e(}u.d. but flon't stay 
 -SO. America was discovered : no longer could it bashfully avt)id 
 the gaze of the other nations, and it doesn't. 
 
 Columbus' work made a boom in the discovery business, 
 and that's how Cartier happened to be around in time to 
 discover Canada. Cartier was a Frenchman, and he handed 
 over the country to the king of France, as a matter of cour.sc. 
 This one action is enough to show that Cartier had no connec- 
 tion with the Standard Oil Company ; but his simplicity in giving 
 
///■/, .S//<7/,v. Lite rat It ri\ cuid t 
 
 onnucnc 
 
 9Q 
 
 auiiy tlir nx.ntry when he t)ii-hl h.ivc kept it himself ha.s 
 inndifuvi Mr. ( iouKl's opinion of Iiis otherwise adniirablc cluir- 
 acler, I li!s was the fiisi lime Canada was eivcii awav. The 
 
 ■"■s. 
 
 offence was repeated, I've heard, i^- the time of the Wash- 
 ington treaty. l^ibHc opinion over there is opposed to this, as 
 a regidar thing, and at present there is a disposition to conserve 
 the public intere.sts, as it were. Perhaps I can convey the idea 
 with a sketch. 
 
loo 
 
 AVti' l\ipcys on. CauaiHan Hi^torw 
 
 W'lu.ii Mr. Caitior flrsl landed in Canada there v-ere 
 Indians there. 1 ^\^^ not wish to ()ose as a sensationalist, not 
 to rudely upset v'our settled convictions for tlie mere jiurpose 
 nf startlin^^ you, but I do alle^a- that there were more Indians 
 in Canada tlien than there are now. Several more. In fact, the 
 majority of the i>resent inhabitants are \jliitc, thou^-h ''resident 
 Cleveland seem to think our Government doesn't act that way. 
 
 The fact is the Indians are comparatively scarce iujw. 
 They don't atiy Ioniser pilch their tents in the niain streets of 
 Foroiito, Montreal and Quebec. Most of them have b.en 
 killed, though they still persist, the survivors, in playhi- 
 Lacrosse, ll.ul foot-ball. I mean the Vale and Andover variety, 
 been knf>wn amongst them, the race would no doubt have be;Mi 
 < \tinct. Then politics has no doubt helped to exterminate 
 ik.e Ised Man. An Indian can eat most anytidng, but he must 
 have pure air, and when the party caucus was established in 
 Canada, the Indians had to go f\irther back. You never find 
 .my Indians in the lobby at Ottawa. They couldn't stand it. 
 ! atr, informed that Indians take an active part in politics of 
 Tammany Hall m this city, but that only shows that pure, 
 mugwumpy politics isn't so fatal to them as the corrupt kind. 
 .\t the same time I suspect that the Tammany politicians are 
 not really Indians of a delicate type. In Cartier's time the popu- 
 lation of Quebec was sixty, that is the pale-face population. As 
 the uncivilized red men ruled on both sides of the St. Lawrence 
 in those days, it is not likely that there were refugee defaulters. 
 The Indian is pretty mean, but he isn't mean enough to have 
 an extradition law that protects that sort of thief from justice. 
 
 These white men were honest Trench voyageurs, but 
 
Ar/, Science, Literature, and Commerce 
 
 loi 
 
 there arc probably sixty of the other follows u, Quebec to day. 
 
 Such is pro<rress atuj civilizatittn. 
 
 'riu: manners of iIr- early Indian tribes of Canada arc very 
 
 interestin^^r. Their way of bringin^^ up children, for exan^ple 
 
 was pectdiar. The infaiU was strapped to a board and placed 
 a^niinst a tree outside of the tent. This kept the youn-ste. 
 strai-ht, wliich is n^ore than the modern white method dor. : 
 and besides it inured the child to the hardships of boardin- 
 out. I nii-ht also mention the Indian system of wrilmu. i" 
 siRnin- tieaties. they used symbols tor their name>; thus t!u- 
 Great Ch.ef Wise-Owl-Who-sees-m-the-lJark. wotdd si^^n n. th.s 
 way. [ 1 lere a ronoh outline sketch of an ow! was i^iven i. 
 
 Now such a si-nature wasn't nmcii as a w,,)rk of art. but it 
 was worth more on a treaty oe„,,alIy than the white mans. 
 In too many cases the words our Canadian poet Marr has pul 
 into the mouth of an Indian charactez were true : 
 
 " 0.1 r sarretf treat its are infringed ami torn, 
 I.au.irhed out i)f sanctity, and spurntrd away. 
 Use(i by the Lonjx Knife's slave U. lioht his fire 
 Or turned in kites l)y thoughtles.s boys, vshuse wrists 
 Anchor their fathers hes in frant of Heaven !' 
 
 This Indian method of conveyin^^ ideas by means of 
 pictures, is a great scheme, and is now in vogue in 'the highest 
 journalistic circles. It forms the basis m fact, of the colossal 
 and well-earned fortunes of Messrs. Keppler, Nast, Gillam, 
 Opper, l)e (irimm, Hamilton. Zinunermatt, Taylor and many 
 other smart young mrm well known to >-ou all. Of course in 
 their hands tt is greatly .tnproved. They color their symbols 
 
r{)2 
 
 iW'A" /\i/ycrs 0)1 C aiuuiian History, 
 
 n.iM'r ')r loss i^'aui.lily, ;i!ui sell thcin for Ww cents a copy. Ai\d 
 ihcy tiiiisli thciii \\\) belter than \\\\- Indian artist used to. 
 l'%>r instance, in this ease tliey woiiKl jail on tlie modern 
 inijjrMvcnicnts in this way. and call it, VVise-Man-Lookini;- Two 
 uays-for-a Presidential-Nomination. jAn owl was here trans- 
 twrnied into General B. V . Hutler.! 
 
 The uislitution known as tlie Icni^e was universal anioni; 
 iht; ahoriL',ines, and one of their most striking chruaeteristics 
 was a fondness for displ.ay in the matter of dress. Nt)thins4 
 so ticUied the untutored child o{ tlu: forest as t<> be rigged in 
 regalia, \\it!i fe.ithers. sashes and ribbons, and tlie letters 
 A. I'. ^' /\. M., or 1, n. ( ). 1'., or other mysterious symbols 
 be-si)an(?linir his Iwsom. In such a costume he thought 
 nothing of fatigue, but would willingly travel on dusty roads 
 ali day in tiie hottest weatiier. When the savage denizens of 
 liocheiaga mow M()ntrea!t wanted to go on the war-path. tiu-\' 
 would, just slick orange lilies in their hair and marched through 
 that village on Jul)' !2th. That was all that was necessary. 
 Tlie Indian women didn't have a vote, but the men folks 
 let Jiem carry everything by acclamation, especially tent 
 pol<:s and camp-fixtures, and they never entleavored to deceive 
 I hem by subse({uently chewing cloves. In vam Miss AiUhony, 
 who arri\'ed w little before Cartier, advocated the female 
 franchise and dross reform. No doubt the latter was needed, 
 as ye>u will see when I roughly sketch the costume then in. 
 vogue. To show Lhat thi. absurdity was not confined to one 
 sex, 1 will try to give y<ui an idea also of the costume of the 
 young bucks of the lroquoi> tribe. [Here an amusing carica 
 tQre of an Indian dude and dudene was given. | 
 
/a/. .Sr/^7/tV, Litn-alinr. and Coninu-rc,', 
 
 to J 
 
 Die domestic airan-oiiicnt:, <»f the ('an;ulian liuhaiis were. 
 .IS ue nii'-ht reasonably anticipate, no better rha.. ih,..;. ,,f 
 ot!u.r barbarian people. They were especially fault) . lunsever. 
 on the very important subject of marriat^'c. 
 
 In the first place the courtship was peculiar. Sonietuiies 
 -h. principal parties were not consulted at all. Th, voun- 
 '^^<n^^AW^. mamma simply took a Hsh pole and went abro'ad to 
 catch uluitvershecMuld ui th^ shape oi a man. No ,nere 
 Indian, houev.r handsoitu:. had any chance while tliue were 
 y'>unL; loals and counts visitm;; at Clarliei's hous.:. IIk; 
 Indian ri ds were just c:a.;'y after bine b!o<d, but s.,metimes 
 they eloped with a low down Indian, because then the p.ipers 
 alway. descrd).:d them as beautiful and accompii-hed. There 
 is no mention in this early history of divorce procc-cdin-.. ami 
 so we are left in th. dark as to junv ladies, without talent even. 
 became actresses in those days. 
 
 'i'hv In.lian. Iiad tw<. ve>'y noticeable vices. ;;ambliT),, and 
 cruelly. As to the hrst it is allet^ed that in the excitement of 
 the .;ame (Stock I^xchan-e or whatever they called it*, phivers 
 often s^aked thei lives on the result, whence no dotdn .> 
 derived the phrase : - Vou bet your sweet life." Then- cnielt. 
 was prov.rbial, they were the orioinal inventors of the spoils 
 system, and after a victory they tortured and scalped their 
 captives without any fine distinction as to offensive partisan- 
 ship. 1 am j;lad to say this is no longer the practice in Canada. 
 We now enjoy civil-service reform and the victorious {)arty 
 doesn't .nurder ,ts enemies. It only removes them from 
 office. 
 
 To return to Jacq-ics-Cailier, he appears to have been a 
 
^^V IVciv /\7/ya6 OH Canadian Ilisiorv, 
 
 man of <.,-.. «at nia-,u;tisn, and cl.ivalrj-. as he canu:<i tl.c popular 
 title of the /y//„Av/ A'/z/^V// anu,n<;.st the simple and unsopliis- 
 tK-ated aborigines. Just licrc ,t n^i^dit he interesting- to 
 nitrodiice hi. portrait, which 1 have copied from historical 
 docunu-nts discovered in Maine. Main, at that time belon^a^d 
 to Canada you know, and does yet by rights, sonic folks say. 
 [Mere a portrait of Jas. G. Blaine.] 
 
 LartKM was succeeded by a Ion;; train of other i<Vench 
 gentl. nu-n whose deeds J have not time to dwell upon. .At 
 hn-th. the country passed into the 1 nds <,t the Jhit.sh, after 
 some preliminary ceremonies on the plains of Abraham, near 
 Oiicbec. You are familiar. oJ course, with the incidents of that 
 memorable battle, and especially with the last words of Wolfe, 
 which arc so often quoted. Somebody said to him : '* I'hey 
 nin." '• Who run ^•' he asked. " The Republican.s." ■' Then I 
 die happy,*' he replied. 
 
 1 think that was it, if I haven't j^ot it mixed wii' the third- 
 party vote in Pennsylvania in November. 
 
 riie British Hag was still waving over the land when I 
 
 left. Attempts have been made on a couple of occasions to 
 
 put a showier piece of bunting in its place, but without success. 
 
 A certain Republic, which shall be nameless, had something to 
 
 do with the attempts f refer to. If you had only told me of 
 
 your intention I could have saved you a great deal of worry 
 
 and expense by informing you that the Canadians cannot be 
 
 conquered by force of arms. I don't blame you for tryu.g 
 
 though, for everybody who knows what Canadian girls are like 
 
 would be an.Kious to conquer or peri.sh just as you were. It is 
 
 a tribute to American shrewdness, however, that you have 
 
Arf, Scicurc, Litcratuyc, aud Comincrcc. 
 
 los 
 
 dropfx.'d the military plaii, and n-sortcd to this present scluMnc 
 I have no doubt your calculation is correct that as soon as th< 
 absent boodle aldermen and bank presidents lo tn a majeritx 
 of our population over there, tliey will cast a solid vote to, 
 annexation on condition of a j^-eneral amnesty })ein^ t;T''nte 
 And I have (^nly this to say, that as soon as a clear inai.>rity c-l 
 • nn most wealthy citi/ens so decide, annexation will be ali 
 rijjht. But r see that my time is up, and ! must drop tin. 
 interesting^ theme and bid you .^ood night. 
 
4J:!:3dS^2^^^