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CIHM/ICMH

Microfiche

Series.

CIHM/ICMH
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Canadian Institute for Historical Microreproductions Institut Canadian de microreproductions historiques

1980

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i::"t;:s.

T U h: n U M URDU S S f [) E
F C A N A D I A N // ,/ 3 T R ^
New York - 18 7 ?

CANADA

PUBLIC ARCHIVES
ARCHIVES PUBLIQUES

THK HUMOROUS S[|)i': OI^ CANADIAN

HISTORY.

J. iV. HENUOUGH, Editor Toroulo Cnp.

Read before the Caiuidian Club
of iVfw Vork.

AN I convey to you, in the hour
at my disposal, as much sohd
infonnatictn as you may be in need
of? Probably yea, because the
lectures given in this course, under
the auspices of the Canadian Clul),
have naturally pertained to that
glorious country, Canada. But. so
far as I am aware, no speaker has
yet dealt systematically with the liistory ol' Canada.

Pending the arrival of Mr. Goldwin Smith, who is at
I)resent engaged umpiring for the foot-ball club at Cornell,
I i)ropose to devote my hour to the subject suggested, and in
case Mr. Smith should fee! ofTended by my intrusion into hfr,
special domain, I will endeavor to mollify him in advance bv

New Papers on Canadian Hisiory,

making a pretty portrait of him right here. [A rapid sketch
here set forth a picture r.t once recognized by the audience as
— not Goldwin Smith— but Mr. Whitelaw Reid,]

Perliaps, before going on, I ought to apologize to tlie
American portion of my audience for not having ciiosen a theme
of greater novelty to them than the History of Canada. I had
anticipated an audience made up chiefly of Canadians, but it is
too late now to rectify the mistake. I am well aware that the
citizens of tlie United States arc just as familiar with Canada,
her history and her affairs, as they luv with Chine.-,e Tartary.
and I can hardly hope to tell them anything they do not know.
But in view of the fact that Canada and the Republic have
many features in common, besides baseball, and that man\'
more or less distant relatives of American . ,zcns are residing
in that country, having in a few cases been struck somewhat
suddenly by its charms as a place of residence, and having
since e.vhibited a clinging aftection for it, which few native
Catiadians can rival, it seems to me that all will be interested
in the tlieme I have selected.

Canada is the name given to the greater portion of the
continent of Nortli America, and politically it is an integral
portion of the British Empire. I mention this because there is
an impression prevailing in Ohio and some other foreign coun-
tries, that Canada is owned by a railway syndicate. This is a
mistake. Nominally Canada belongs to Great Britain, it con-
tributes the adjective to the title, as Britain itself is only a small
affair, but really and practically the vast Dominion is owned
and run by the handsome and picturesque people so well
represented in blanket suits on the present occasion. [Allud-

)%V

)

Ar/, Sciefui', IJleratiiri, a?id Commerce.

in^tothc nnifoimcd snoushocrs raiiKcd upon the })iatf(.rm.|
I iiKiy just remark Irm-c. /•// passotiir^ as they say in Montreal,
that the Canadian people when at home, invariably dress in
the costume here shown, just as the people of New Jersey vvea.
long-tailed coats and short breeches with straps to them, and
bell-crowned beaver hats, with stars on their waistcoats and
stripes on their pantaloons. It's the national costume you
know, hut they rarely venture out of the country with such
^,^ood clothes on. When .i Canadian makc-s up his n.ind to sottl.-
iii New York, he invariably adopts the Ne\^ York <;tyie ot
dress. I fc chan-es his clothes at the border, and then he ^^ocs
in like a re^^dar American, to Wall .Street " born." Hdorc lon^.
so far as outward appearance j^^oes, he would j.ass for a native
New \'orker, and you could only tel! he was a. Canadian by
contemplating the number of islands he owns and the ma-niiud'e
of his ferry franchises. And this leads me to remark tluit when
M. Bartholdi dressed that statue of his in Greek ciothm-, he
availed himself of a poetic license. Canadians of the stJrncr
sex urvi-r dress that way, never. To illustrate this point 1 will
here make a rough sketch of the statue, as pictures of it are so
rare in this city that its sh.ipe n)ay have escaped your memory.
Not only in the matter of costume, but also in the features,
Bartholdi, with true i'rcnch naivctc, c uleavored to conceal the
fact that in this great work of art he was paying a delicate
compliment to a Canadian. He was afraid Mr. VViman mightn't
hke it if made too literal. For I suppose it is pretty well
known by this time that the statue is really meant for Wiman.
The very fact that it stands there bossing an island is enough
to suggest this, even if Bartholdi had never confessed his real

New Papers on Canadian History,

desigti. To be sure, mustache mmX tnutton-cliops do not look
well in bronze, but they're all rij^ht on paper, and they're
necessary in this case to expose iiartholdi's pleasant allej^ory.
All that remains to be chan^^cd now is tiie legeml, which is riot

'I T7A

" Liberty Enlightening the World," Hui " Wiman Defying New
Jersey."

This, however, is a digression from our historical subject.
Canada was discovered by Jacques-Cartier, while engaged in a
fishing cruise around the banks of New Foundland. From the
banks to Canada would seem to be an unerring impulse of the

^U/, Stunci', Liicyatiirc, and Comnnrcc.

human niind. ft is not true, however, that Oirtier is French
fo. cas/urr. and time has fully vindicated this ^^entlcr.an' ,
character, as the hanks of New I.\,nn<lland are to-day a. snund
as ever. The coincidence was startliiu-. it must be confessc-d
^in<l we c;.n therefore excuse the newspapers ol the dav for
H.nun^ that there was somethino fishy aboa. ids .udden
flcj^artnre.

i-|)is event occurred some time after Christ^.pher Coknnhus
lM<I t.>t n, his work. And Columbus, by the uay. as an illus-
tration ot patience and perseverance is worthy even of the study
ot those ^uod Democratic statesmen who are waitin.^ fo'r
Ueveland to "turn the rascals out." 1 don't know "".vhat
Columbus lonked like, but J feel sure that upon h.s counten-
.nice was stamped a calm tra.iquil expression that no delays and
d,scoura.rem..nt. could change, if so, he didn't look much like
tins. [Here a wild-lnokmg sketch o[ Mr. C. A. Dana wa. uiven {
t<>n.,der what Chris i,ad to ^^o throu^di befo.e L -ot
started on that memorable voyage to India,. It took \nn^ jtst
twenty years to get s-„;ed. Now, ,f it had been that he had
to wait for Mrs. C. . . to get dressed, we wouldn't have wondered
so much. Hut the trouble wasn't of that kind, it was purely
financial. He couldn't sail without raising the wind, and mark
h.s wonderful pat.ence in ra.sing it. Twenty year.s. The trouble
was, nobody beheved in his scheme as sound, and in the public
niterest. If it had been a surface-line franchise he was after
he might have convinced the Aldermen, but Christopher
wasn't Shar/,. It never occurred to him to ^^t the ladi^ s of the
Congregation to go around with the book, though as a matter
of fact he succeeded at last by the aid of a lady. Queen Tsabella

AVu' Pii/yrrs Of! Canatiiim I fistory

of Ca-^tiU.-. wliosc ii.unc is to this day a swcot smellinj^ savor,
I'lnbalnicd ii^ {in iuiinorta! kind of s»>ap, " Matchk-^s for the
complexion. Yours truly, LlIA' [.ANcri'RN."

Coluinhus went from court to court after tin: !)oodle, it s a
way hoodlers have of i^^oinj^^ from court to court, if you notice —
and at last he found a friend in I'Y-rdiiiand. h\rdinand liad a
lot of the [)roceeds salted down, <is vv.is j^rener.dly susj)etted,
antt he »^ave Cohind)us a check for th<' required amount,
remarking;, "(io West, youn^^ man, and tn-ow uj> with the
couritry." Thus war- ; -tience rewarded. '\\\c. voyage wa,s a
severe one, everybody was sick of it and mutinied. Columbus
stood on the quarter deck with his guitar and sang to the moon
about eveiything being at sixes and at sevens. \ bird alighted
on tlie t<ipmast ! Omen of success : l.antl must be nigh. With
one rapiil ghuice Llie {.tiercing eye of Columbus sei/.es the hap()y
j)ortent. The fact tluit it w.is an lia^^lc [)roved that land must
be nea^- ; v.hile the shield of stars and bars U[)on its breast, the
Canada codfish falling froin its talons, the ninety-cent dollar
hanging from its neck, and finally its piercing cry of Ji
I'ltiriltHs Oiiini proved that that land could be no other than
America, where all men are born free and e(}u.d. but flon't stay
-SO. America was discovered : no longer could it bashfully avt)id
the gaze of the other nations, and it doesn't.

Columbus' work made a boom in the discovery business,
and that's how Cartier happened to be around in time to
discover Canada. Cartier was a Frenchman, and he handed
over the country to the king of France, as a matter of cour.sc.
This one action is enough to show that Cartier had no connec-
tion with the Standard Oil Company ; but his simplicity in giving

///■/, .S//<7/,v. Lite rat It ri\ cuid t

onnucnc

auiiy tlir nx.ntry when he t)ii-hl h.ivc kept it himself ha.s
inndifuvi Mr. ( iouKl's opinion of Iiis otherwise adniirablc cluir-
acler, I li!s was the fiisi lime Canada was eivcii awav. The

■"■s.

offence was repeated, I've heard, i^- the time of the Wash-
ington treaty. l^ibHc opinion over there is opposed to this, as
a regidar thing, and at present there is a disposition to conserve
the public intere.sts, as it were. Perhaps I can convey the idea
with a sketch.

loo

AVti' l\ipcys on. CauaiHan Hi^torw

W'lu.ii Mr. Caitior flrsl landed in Canada there v-ere
Indians there. 1 ^\^^ not wish to ()ose as a sensationalist, not
to rudely upset v'our settled convictions for tlie mere jiurpose
nf startlin^^ you, but I do alle^a- that there were more Indians
in Canada tlien than there are now. Several more. In fact, the
majority of the i>resent inhabitants are \jliitc, thou^-h ''resident
Cleveland seem to think our Government doesn't act that way.

The fact is the Indians are comparatively scarce iujw.
They don't atiy Ioniser pilch their tents in the niain streets of
Foroiito, Montreal and Quebec. Most of them have b.en
killed, though they still persist, the survivors, in playhi-
Lacrosse, ll.ul foot-ball. I mean the Vale and Andover variety,
been knf>wn amongst them, the race would no doubt have be;Mi
< \tinct. Then politics has no doubt helped to exterminate
ik.e Ised Man. An Indian can eat most anytidng, but he must
have pure air, and when the party caucus was established in
Canada, the Indians had to go f\irther back. You never find
.my Indians in the lobby at Ottawa. They couldn't stand it.
! atr, informed that Indians take an active part in politics of
Tammany Hall m this city, but that only shows that pure,
mugwumpy politics isn't so fatal to them as the corrupt kind.
.\t the same time I suspect that the Tammany politicians are
not really Indians of a delicate type. In Cartier's time the popu-
lation of Quebec was sixty, that is the pale-face population. As
the uncivilized red men ruled on both sides of the St. Lawrence
in those days, it is not likely that there were refugee defaulters.
The Indian is pretty mean, but he isn't mean enough to have
an extradition law that protects that sort of thief from justice.

These white men were honest Trench voyageurs, but

Ar/, Science, Literature, and Commerce

loi

there arc probably sixty of the other follows u, Quebec to day.

Such is pro<rress atuj civilizatittn.

'riu: manners of iIr- early Indian tribes of Canada arc very

interestin^^r. Their way of bringin^^ up children, for exan^ple

was pectdiar. The infaiU was strapped to a board and placed
a^niinst a tree outside of the tent. This kept the youn-ste.
strai-ht, wliich is n^ore than the modern white method dor. :
and besides it inured the child to the hardships of boardin-
out. I nii-ht also mention the Indian system of wrilmu. i"
siRnin- tieaties. they used symbols tor their name>; thus t!u-
Great Ch.ef Wise-Owl-Who-sees-m-the-lJark. wotdd si^^n n. th.s
way. [ 1 lere a ronoh outline sketch of an ow! was i^iven i.

Now such a si-nature wasn't nmcii as a w,,)rk of art. but it
was worth more on a treaty oe„,,alIy than the white mans.
In too many cases the words our Canadian poet Marr has pul
into the mouth of an Indian charactez were true :

" 0.1 r sarretf treat its are infringed ami torn,
I.au.irhed out i)f sanctity, and spurntrd away.
Use(i by the Lonjx Knife's slave U. lioht his fire
Or turned in kites l)y thoughtles.s boys, vshuse wrists
Anchor their fathers hes in frant of Heaven !'

This Indian method of conveyin^^ ideas by means of
pictures, is a great scheme, and is now in vogue in 'the highest
journalistic circles. It forms the basis m fact, of the colossal
and well-earned fortunes of Messrs. Keppler, Nast, Gillam,
Opper, l)e (irimm, Hamilton. Zinunermatt, Taylor and many
other smart young mrm well known to >-ou all. Of course in
their hands tt is greatly .tnproved. They color their symbols

r{)2

iW'A" /\i/ycrs 0)1 C aiuuiian History,

n.iM'r ')r loss i^'aui.lily, ;i!ui sell thcin for Ww cents a copy. Ai\d
ihcy tiiiisli thciii \\\) belter than \\\\- Indian artist used to.
l'%>r instance, in this ease tliey woiiKl jail on tlie modern
inijjrMvcnicnts in this way. and call it, VVise-Man-Lookini;- Two
uays-for-a Presidential-Nomination. jAn owl was here trans-
twrnied into General B. V . Hutler.!

The uislitution known as tlie Icni^e was universal anioni;
iht; ahoriL',ines, and one of their most striking chruaeteristics
was a fondness for displ.ay in the matter of dress. Nt)thins4
so ticUied the untutored child o{ tlu: forest as t<> be rigged in
regalia, \\it!i fe.ithers. sashes and ribbons, and tlie letters
A. I'. ^' /\. M., or 1, n. ( ). 1'., or other mysterious symbols
be-si)an(?linir his Iwsom. In such a costume he thought
nothing of fatigue, but would willingly travel on dusty roads
ali day in tiie hottest weatiier. When the savage denizens of
liocheiaga mow M()ntrea!t wanted to go on the war-path. tiu-\'
would, just slick orange lilies in their hair and marched through
that village on Jul)' !2th. That was all that was necessary.
Tlie Indian women didn't have a vote, but the men folks
let Jiem carry everything by acclamation, especially tent
pol<:s and camp-fixtures, and they never entleavored to deceive
I hem by subse({uently chewing cloves. In vam Miss AiUhony,
who arri\'ed w little before Cartier, advocated the female
franchise and dross reform. No doubt the latter was needed,
as ye>u will see when I roughly sketch the costume then in.
vogue. To show Lhat thi. absurdity was not confined to one
sex, 1 will try to give y<ui an idea also of the costume of the
young bucks of the lroquoi> tribe. [Here an amusing carica
tQre of an Indian dude and dudene was given. |

/a/. .Sr/^7/tV, Litn-alinr. and Coninu-rc,',

to J

Die domestic airan-oiiicnt:, <»f the ('an;ulian liuhaiis were.
.IS ue nii'-ht reasonably anticipate, no better rha.. ih,..;. ,,f
ot!u.r barbarian people. They were especially fault) . lunsever.
on the very important subject of marriat^'c.

In the first place the courtship was peculiar. Sonietuiies
-h. principal parties were not consulted at all. Th, voun-
'^^<n^^AW^. mamma simply took a Hsh pole and went abro'ad to
catch uluitvershecMuld ui th^ shape oi a man. No ,nere
Indian, houev.r handsoitu:. had any chance while tliue were
y'>unL; loals and counts visitm;; at Clarliei's hous.:. IIk;
Indian ri ds were just c:a.;'y after bine b!o<d, but s.,metimes
they eloped with a low down Indian, because then the p.ipers
alway. descrd).:d them as beautiful and accompii-hed. There
is no mention in this early history of divorce procc-cdin-.. ami
so we are left in th. dark as to junv ladies, without talent even.
became actresses in those days.

'i'hv In.lian. Iiad tw<. ve>'y noticeable vices. ;;ambliT),, and
cruelly. As to the hrst it is allet^ed that in the excitement of
the .;ame (Stock I^xchan-e or whatever they called it*, phivers
often s^aked thei lives on the result, whence no dotdn .>
derived the phrase : - Vou bet your sweet life." Then- cnielt.
was prov.rbial, they were the orioinal inventors of the spoils
system, and after a victory they tortured and scalped their
captives without any fine distinction as to offensive partisan-
ship. 1 am j;lad to say this is no longer the practice in Canada.
We now enjoy civil-service reform and the victorious {)arty
doesn't .nurder ,ts enemies. It only removes them from
office.

To return to Jacq-ics-Cailier, he appears to have been a

^^V IVciv /\7/ya6 OH Canadian Ilisiorv,

man of <.,-.. «at nia-,u;tisn, and cl.ivalrj-. as he canu:<i tl.c popular
title of the /y//„Av/ A'/z/^V// anu,n<;.st the simple and unsopliis-
tK-ated aborigines. Just licrc ,t n^i^dit he interesting- to
nitrodiice hi. portrait, which 1 have copied from historical
docunu-nts discovered in Maine. Main, at that time belon^a^d
to Canada you know, and does yet by rights, sonic folks say.
[Mere a portrait of Jas. G. Blaine.]

LartKM was succeeded by a Ion;; train of other i<Vench
gentl. nu-n whose deeds J have not time to dwell upon. .At
hn-th. the country passed into the 1 nds <,t the Jhit.sh, after
some preliminary ceremonies on the plains of Abraham, near
Oiicbec. You are familiar. oJ course, with the incidents of that
memorable battle, and especially with the last words of Wolfe,
which arc so often quoted. Somebody said to him : '* I'hey
nin." '• Who run ^•' he asked. " The Republican.s." ■' Then I
die happy,*' he replied.

1 think that was it, if I haven't j^ot it mixed wii' the third-
party vote in Pennsylvania in November.

riie British Hag was still waving over the land when I

left. Attempts have been made on a couple of occasions to

put a showier piece of bunting in its place, but without success.

A certain Republic, which shall be nameless, had something to

do with the attempts f refer to. If you had only told me of

your intention I could have saved you a great deal of worry

and expense by informing you that the Canadians cannot be

conquered by force of arms. I don't blame you for tryu.g

though, for everybody who knows what Canadian girls are like

would be an.Kious to conquer or peri.sh just as you were. It is

a tribute to American shrewdness, however, that you have

Arf, Scicurc, Litcratuyc, aud Comincrcc.

los

dropfx.'d the military plaii, and n-sortcd to this present scluMnc
I have no doubt your calculation is correct that as soon as th<
absent boodle aldermen and bank presidents lo tn a majeritx
of our population over there, tliey will cast a solid vote to,
annexation on condition of a j^-eneral amnesty })ein^ t;T''nte
And I have (^nly this to say, that as soon as a clear inai.>rity c-l
• nn most wealthy citi/ens so decide, annexation will be ali
rijjht. But r see that my time is up, and ! must drop tin.
interesting^ theme and bid you .^ood night.

4J:!:3dS^2^^^