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P1.QK The Children 6 History of Babylon . 7 Mother Shipton's Prophecy .10 " A Hummer on Chickens " . . . . . . .12 A Human Soul Exists 15 The Hudson Bay Route 19 The Presidential Election of Tilden and Hayes, 1876 . . 21 King Faro 26 Ghostly Wedding 27 " M. Quad's " Vagabond 31 Are There Any Like Them in Toronto .... 34 At the Telephone 35 High Steeples 38 Rehearsing for Private Theatricals ..... 39 How to Calculate Interest, and what it will do . . • 43 *' Be Jingo." 44 A Child in the Storm . 45 A Bull 47 A Curious Number 49 A Fabje 49 A Bitter Disappointment 50 Easter Decorations 53 A Spell of Sickness 56 A Trial of Endurance 59 Interior Decoration ....... 62 Entered according to the Act of Parliament of Canada, in the year one thous- and eight hundred and eighty-eight, by Herbert C. Jones, at the department of Agriculture. Th celler news] As for n( season eaten Quilt I the re pathos while Iti at a SI] keep e I which i The " crazy to liter commu The safe to i IS ] , PAGK 5 7 10 . 12 15 19 . 21 26 . 27 31 . 34 . 35 38 39 . 43 44 45 . 47 49 . 49 50 . 63 56 . 59 62 "THE CRAZY GUILT." one thous- LS, at the -♦♦-♦- This is published for the sake of preserving iritiny ex- cellent and humorous writings that have appeared in the newspapers, etc., during the last forty years. As a good dinner is made up of many viands, some for nourishment, and some for the palate, all properly seasoned and prepared, and is adorned with flowers and eaten to the accompaniment of music, so this "Crazy Quilt Series " is designed as a feast for the mind. In it the reader will find history and religion, humour and pathos, curious sayings and peculiar events, set out, while poetry adorns the whole, and mirth is ever present. It is proposed to publish the series in pamphlet forxu, at a small price per number, so that the purchasers may keep each number, and have the same bound together which will form a readable and curious book. The name is suggestive. Everybody knows what a " crazy quilt " is, and it is only applying the same idea to literature, that took so great a hold on the quilting community. The " proof of the pudding is in the eating," and it is afe to say that any person that buys this book and f' .^^ . >^±1 ^ "THE f'RAZY QUILT." reads it will be more than satistied that he did not " pay too dear for the whistle." ^ With the hope that this series may increase the health and prosperity of all Canadians, aud improve the robust personal appearance of many Americans, I remain, Yours, etc., "MATTHEW TWAIN," (A brother across the line of " Mark") Toronto, Xmas, 1888. \ \ "THE CRAZY QUILT.'* 'pay ealth obust The Children. [N," lark J') (Found hi. the desk of Charles Dickens at his death,) When the leasons and tasks are all ended, And the school for the day is dismissed. And the little ones gather around me To bid me '* good night" and be kissed ; Oh the little white arms that encircle My neck in a tender embrace ! Oh, the smiles that are halos of heaven. Shedding sunshine and love on my face ! And when they are gone [ sit dreaming Of my childhood too lovely to last ; Of love that my heart will remember When it wakes to the pulse of the past: Ere the world and its wickedness made me A partner of sorrow and sin : When the glory of God was about me, And the glory of gladness within. Oh, my heart grows weak as a woman's, And the fountains of feeling will flow, When I think of the paths, steep and stony, Where the feet of the dear ones must go : Of the mountains of sin hanging o'er them, Of the tempests of fate blowing wild ; Oh there's nothing on earth half so holy As the innocent heart of a child. They are idols of hearts and of households. They are angels of (jod in disguise, His sunlight still sleeps in their tresses, His glory still beams in their eyes : Oh those truants from earth and from heaven They have made me more manly and mild. And I know how Jesus could liken The kingdom of God to a child. Seek not a life for the dear ones All radiant, as others have done, But that life may have just as much shadow To temper the flare of the sun ; ^, # 6 " TIfR CRAZY giiiT/r." I would pray (htd ta <,Miar(l thorn from evil, But tuy prayor wouM l)(»un(l back to inysolf. Ah ! a Horaph may j)ray for a siniior, But a sinner must pray for himself. The twig is so easily bended, I have banished the rule of the rod ; I have taught them the goodness of knowledge, They have taught me the goodness of God. My heart is a dungeon of darkness, Where I shut them from breaking a rule ; My frown is suHiciont correction, My love is the law of the school. I shall leave the old house in the autumn To traverse its threshold no more, Ah ! how I shall sigh for the dear ones That meet me each morn at the door. I shall miss the good nights and the kissen, And the gush of their innocent glee, The group on the green and the flowers That are brought every morning to me. 1 shall miss them at morn and at evening, Their song in the school and the street, I shall miss the low hum of their voices. And the tranip of their delicate feet. When the lessons and tasks are all ended. And death says the school is dismissed, May the little ones gather around me To bid me '* good night" and be kissed. — Charles Dickens. «' fl PHK CRAZY QITILT. HISTORY OF BABYLON. BILL NYE THINKS IT IS FRAUnilT WITH SADNESS. WHY TOWNS DECAY — BABYLON COMPARED WITH CHEY- ENNK, MINNEAPOLIS, KANSAS CITY, AND OTHER FIOUIMSHINO TOWNS — HANCiING (JARDENS. >% The history of Babylon is fraught with sadness. It ilhistrates only too j)ainfully that the ])eople of a town make or mar its success rather than the natural resources and advantages it may possess on the start. Thus Babylon, with .S,0()0 years the stmt of Minnea- polis, is to-day a hole in the ground, while Minneapolis socks her XXXX Hour into every cornei' of the globe, and the price of real estate would make a common dynasty totter on its throne. Babylon is a good illustration of the decay of a town that does not keep up with the procession. Compare her to-day with Kansas City. While BaVjylon was the capi- tal of Chalda^a 1,270 years before the birth of Christ, and Kansas City was organized so many years after that ad- vent that many of the people there have forgotten all about it, Kansas City has doubled her |)opulation in ten years, while Babylon is simply a gothic hole in the ground. Why did trade and emigration turn their backs upon Babylon and seek out Minneapolis, St. Paul, Kansas City, Omaha, and Toronto ? Was it because they were blest with a bluer sky or a more genial sun ? Not by any means. While Babylon lived upon what she had been, and neglected to advertise, other towns, with no history extending back into the mouldy past, whooped with an exceeding great whoop, and tore up the ground and shed / 8 "THE CRAZY QUILT." printers' ink and showe,* « THE CRAZY QUILT. 11 and so account common into the lebt and ^dom of id some- ctability ase it. preacher, in wind- laid ; ''' A i hungry ime down but when 1. L Nye. v^ears and lecy and event in in so pat •edictions has come is in the at would in hers, 3n begot- ^poUo, or tiful or- Kc weird, to have, been her mates. She was christened Ursula by the Abbot of Bev- erley, and grew up so eccentric and unnaturally shrewd that bye-and-bye this tradition, in those superstitious days, grew about her birth. She prophesied as she grew older, and even, " persons of quality " consulted her. She told the great Wolsey that he should never come to York, and, indeed, when within eight miles of it he was arrest- ed by Northumberland at King Henry's orders, and brought to Leicester, where he died. Also, she is said to have foretold the great fire of London, the execution of Charles I., and many notable events of the Reformation and the reigns of Elizabeth and James. At the age of seventy-three she foretold her death, and at the hour pre- dicted she died. Her name is a popular tradition in Yorkshire, even till this day, and the tradition is found- ed in part upon facts. Her famous prophecy is said to have been published in her lifetime, and again two hun- dred years ago ; it was certainly published forty years ago, ior it was seen in a book of that time by parties well known, and it was said to have been copied from an old- er book. Though most of the items are vague enough, some show a marked coincidence with remarkable events, such as the invention of steam, railway locomotives, tun- nels, the telegraphs, ironclads, and the admission of Jews into Parliament (in 1858). Without further preface, these are the elegant lines : — Carriages without horses shall go, And accidents fill the world with woe, Around the world thought shall fly, In the twinkling of an eye, Water shall yet more wonders do, Now strange, but yet they shall be true ; The world upside down shall be, And gold be found at the root of a tree ; Through the hills man shall ride, And horse nor ass be at his side ; Under water men shall walk, Shall ride, shall sleep, shall talk ; In the air shall men be seen In white, in blue, in green ; i; 12 "THE CRA55Y QUILt." Iron in the water shall float As easy as a wooden boat, Gold shall be found and shown In land that's now not known ; Fire and water shall wonders do ; England shall at last admit a Jew ; The end of the world shall come In eighteen hundred and ninety-one. « " A Hummer on Chickens," AND THE MAN WHO WAS LOOKNG FOR A " CINSUNNATER " PAPER. He was looking for a " Cinsunnater" paper. Several lay on the table right under his eyes, but he seemed un- able to see them. He scattered five hundred exchanges upon the floor in hopeless confusion, but he never touch- ed a " Cinsunner" paper. I was busy. A correspondent wanted to know if the inhabitants of the Land of Nod could properly be called Nodders, and I was searching some records of Adamite days hoping to find the desired information. I might have pointe 1 out the " Cinsun- nate" paper, but I didn't, because I was vexed by the fellow's persistent scratching among the exchanges. Just as I was about to call the janitor to put him out, he picked up a copy of a pamphlet sent out by the Georgia Poultry and Pet Stock Union. He scanned at its pages five minutes, I in the meantime reconsidering my inten- tion to call the janitor. " D' you ever know a fellow by the name o' Smith ? " he suddenly inquired, with his right forefinger on the picture of a Shanghai rooster. " Absolum Smith was his full entitlements, but ev'rybody called him Ab for short. He lived down here in sou' west Georgy. He was a hum- mer on chickens. He had a chicken farm, biggest thing o' kind in Georgy. He never made much money, though, •t "THE CRAZY QUILT." 13 fNATER >> Several med un- ichanges )r touch- pondent of Nod earching 5 desired Cinsun- i by the s. Just out, he Georgia ts pages Y inten- 3mith ? " on the was his or short. 3 a hum- )st thing though, 1-M 'cause the cholery had a way o' whackin* the life out o' his chickens just fore they way ripe for market. He beat the world on 'speriments, an' some o' 'em had the most 'sprisin' result ever you heard of." In the expressive language of the feminine novelists, I was " as silent as the grave." The inhabitants of the Land of Nod were still holding my close attention. " Ab had a notion," continued the fellow, that he could git up some sort o' new fangled fowles by setting a hen on a duck Qgg. He tried it, but it was a pow'ful long time 'fore the hen got done settin'. I disremember 'zactly how long 'twas, but it was nigh on to four months. When she did git done, there came out o' the eg^g a fowl that was chicken on one side an' duck on t'other." " What became of the montrosity ? " I asked, exhibiting feeble interest. " Why," he replied, " when the fowel was three weeks old the duck part was bigger than the chicken part. One day the two parts had a fight. The duck part wanted to go an' swim in a pond o' water an' tuk the chicken part into the pond an' drownded it. I do't know what be- come o' the duck part. I returned to the inhabitants of the Land of Nod. " There was another 'speriment tried by Ab," said the fellow, taking a fresh start," an' it was a success. He took a hen and stripped all the feathers off o' her. Then he set her on the biggest Qgg he could find. In 'zactly three weeks, an' three days she hatched out a chicken that didn't have a sign o' feathers on it, an* what's more it never has had. When the weather gits cold he wraps the chicken up in red flannel rags." The inhabitants of the Land of Nod ceased to interest me. I turned around and listened. " Ab had a common Georgy rooster," continued the fel- low, " that was a curosity. It had three legs. Ab 'lowed he'd try a 'speriment with it. He got a dozen eggs, put 'em in a nest, an' tied the rooster down over 'em. In* ■ ■<*".■ If n li ^; .* - i)«a. K. ^ S I I 14 "THE CRAZY QUILT.' about four weeks the twelve eggs were twelve roosters, an' I'll be everlastin'ly besmoodled if they didn't ev'ry one o' 'em have three legs. They was the most cur'ous fowles ever I saw." " Did Ab try any other experiments ? " I asked. " Oh, yes," was the reply, " he beat the world on 'speri- ments. He had an old hen that was always wantin* to set on sweet potaters. She'd leave a nest of eggs any day in the week to set on sweet potaters. Ab got tired o' puttin' up with her foolishness, an' so one day in Jan'ry he put her to settin' on two dozen sweet potaters. Long about the middle o' May Ab went an' looked at her. She was up in the air, about a foot an' a half from the ground. She'd hatched a tremenjous lot o' vines o' the sweet po- taters, an' they'd pushed her up. They wasn't such very big vines, sort o' slips you know. Ab give 'em away to his neighbors, 'cause he was 'fraid if he planted 'em his- self, they'd come up chickens." The fellow put down the pamphlet of the Georgia Poultry and Pet stock Union, and began again to search among the exchanges in search of the " Cinsunnater" paper. " Say, my friend I inquired, " From what part of the world are you ? " " I'm from down here in Sou' west Georgia," he replied. " Are there many more there like you ? " " A right smart considerable lot of 'em." " Are they acquainted with Ab ? " _ . ^ " Say," he said, not replying to the question, " th one o' Ab's 'speriments I was about toforgit. There was a feller up here in Atlanta, a railroad feller, that had a chicken farm. He heard o' Ab, an' sent him an egg he said come from China. Ab put a hen to sittin' on it, but she couldn't hatch it. But then he tried another, an' an- other, an' another, until he tried all the hens he had but one. That last hen was forty years old. She'd passed .through the war, an' had been hunted 'round by nearly i every ? was a it did to m€ down was t she si busin stay. J into t |it.^ S I an' ca I " W At Lea He Asa A 8T0 Lin Itble d f sue] tes i *■ r "THE CRAZY QUILT." 15 roosters, n't ev'ry b cur'ous d. )n 'speri- rantin' to iggs any got tired in Jan'ry s. Long her. She 8 ground. 3weet po- juch very away to 'em his- j Georgia to search sunnater" art of the 16 replied. "th rhere was hat had a in egg he on it, but er, an' an- e had but e'd passed by nearly ^ every soldier in Sherman's army. She was tough. She i was accidently shot in the head with a musket once, but S it didn't phase her. I disremember 'zactly, but it seems to me I heard she was in a barn, once, that was burned down. She come out just a little bit scorched. Oh, she was tougher'n a light'ood knot. When she saw that egg ^ she shook her head and reffled her feathers. She meant • business. She set herself down on it an' got ready to I stay. There's no tellin' how much earnestness she put I into that settin'. She did her duty an' don't you forgit I it. She set on that egg six months an' then she got up I an' cackled. She'd hatched out a lock an' key." I " What ! " I exclaimed, " She hatched out a lock and I " Course she did, he replied, " she'd been sittin* on a I white door knob, an' what else but a lock an key could Ishe hatch out ? " I It is needless to add that I gave the fellow the " Cin- |>unnater" paper for which he was looking, and then im- Imediately conducted him to the elevator. A Human Soul Exists. [At Least a Nebraska Man Claims that he Can Show it Scientific '''':r ally. He Asserts that Nature's Secret Has Been Laid Bare, and Tells How it was Done. A STORY WHICH SOUNDS LIKE THE IMAGINATION OF A HASHEESH PARTAKER. I Lincoln, Neb., Aug. 26. — [Special.] — A most remark- lible discovery has recently developed in this city. It is >f such an astounding nature that the correspondent hesi- ites to give the circumstances to the public on account 16 "THE CRAZY QUILT. I of being barred at present from giving names, altlioiigh there is no good reason why it should not be done. How- ever, the gentleman who has made the discovery requests it. This disclosure consists in proving beyond the possi- bility of a doubt, by scientific means, the existence of the human soul, laying bare the greatest secret of Nature, and proving the doctrine of eternal faith, " that the soul of man doth live," the disclosures and proofs of which will shortly startle and astonish the entire world. For the sake of convenience the gentleman alluded to will be called Mr. Holland, a man of small stature, a mild eye, and thoughtful countenance, a devout Christian, pos- sessing a peculiar belief that the soul of a man is a coun- terpart of the body itself ; and in this theory of the dual man he sought the key of liie and death. He reasoned that within this body of bone and sinew was yet another body existing in vapory form which death alone should free, nnd that by a simple microscopic device the dull sight of human eyes might penetrate the minutest par- ticles of the air we breathe, and see the soul take form and flight to the boundaries of another world. EUREKA ! His attention was first attracted to this, he says, by a man laying upon a sofa suffering with a pain in his foot, and yet there was no foot there to suffer, the leg having been amputated nearly to the hip. " For years," says Mr. Holland, " this incident ran through my mind, until at last I resolved upon an experiment. I procured the most powerful lenses I could lind and completed an in- vention of my own, and when I had my light arranged ])erfectly ^o 1 could examine the microbes of the air, I called upon a friend who had lost his arm and explained that I wanted liim to put his imaginary hand where I 21 Year. 1865 ISOC 18C7 1868 18«i» 1870 1871 1872 1873 1874 1875 1876 1877 1878 1879 1880 Date of Opening. May I6th. " Uth. «t (( (i it (( (< (I <( (( <( K it 2ard tu 28th. 24th tu 31st. 25th 11th. 12th. 16th. 14th. 16th. 19th. 10th. 20th. 15th. 11th. 26th. Date of r oaing. Nov. 20th. . 28th. 24th. < 29th. 6th. 27th. 23rd. 20th. 18th. 20th. 15th. 24th. 15th to 20th. 3rd. 23rd. 20th. In many of these years note was taken of the first ap- pearance of wild j^eese tlying northward on the approach of spring, and they were seen always from eleven to twenty -five days ahead of the breaking up of the ice, as a rule about twenty days ahead. The average date, according to the above, of the open- ing of navigation was May 20th. The extremes were May 9th and June 1st. The average date of closing was November 22nd ; the extremes November 3rd and Decem- ber 9th. It is proved, therefore, that there are six months of the year available for navigation in Hudson's Bay. The Presidential Election of Tilden and Hayes, 1876; HOW IT APPEARS FROM A DEMOCRATIC POINT OF VIEW TO A SMART WOMAN. I never until this Fall realized the debt we owe the press, and I never appreciated the advantages of living in a country that elects its own rulers. My husband is a Democrat, and my father, who boards with us, is a Re- .1 I u m 22 "THE CRAZY QUILT." publican On the 7th of November 1 took down my last winter's cloak, and I couldn't keep back the tears. That cloak cost S25, but it was short, and of course I couldn't wear it this season. It didn't seem as if I could weai my double Paisley shawl all winter, but I thought of the sufferings of the poor, our heavy cliurch debt, and of the many obligations William had to meet the 1st of January, and I concluded I wouldn't say a word about it. I might be a dowdy, but 1 would go calndy forward — up the church aisle — supported by the smiles of an approv- ing conscience. When William came home that night he said New York had gone for Tilden, and there was a glow upon his brow and a light within his eye I hadn't seen there for years. The biscuits were light as a feather, and said 1 : " Will- iam, what do you think I had better do about a cloak this winter ? You know they don't wear short cloaks. I suppose you don't feel as if you could afford a new one ? " ** See about it," said William, scraping the last drop of peach juice from his preserve plate. That's a dreadfully vulgar habit, ^nd I've told William so over and over afff'in, and I do vonder, that being a genuine, elegant Democrat, he will persist in it. The next morning, when I passed through the sitting- room, William sat shivering over a closed registrar in his stocking-feet, his hair uncombed, but he cried out from the top of his paper, " Democratic victories everywhere ? " '* The country gone en masse for Tilden ! " " Intense ex- citement and rejoicing ! " We had waliies and maple molasses for breakfast, and I made the coffee myself. William had made one earnest dab at his head with the hair-brush, but had evidently missed. Father called for toast, and said he had neuralgic pains streaking all down the left side of his face. William read aloud soothing morsels from the Democratic paper, such as, *' Indiana gives Tilden 10,000 majority." "THE CUAZY QUILT." 23 wn my le tears. 50urse I I could thought *bt, and e 1st of bout it. rd — up bpprov- V York s brow • years. " Will- i cloak cloaks. a new rop of idfully I over legant itting- in his t from ere ? " se ex- maple lyself. ;h the Bd for down thing diana " What do you think this morning about my having a new cloak, William ? " " Of course you can have a new cloak, if you need one. ' Full returns not yet received from Oregon, Nevacia, Florida, and Louisiana, but they are undoubtedly ours V " " Urn 1 " said father. I felt a good deal of anxiety about family prayers, William isn't a professor. Father leads devotions, and I } was afraid he would be too supplicatory ; but he prayed ^ mostly for the heathen, Jews, and such like, but didn't I refer to the Democrats, and only once— just after the -f heathen — alluded to our suffering country. When William came up to dinner he said returns of f Democratic majorities were pouring in from all (iyuarters, and said I : — " William, I've been thinking the matter over, and I do believe it would be the best economy to buy a fur cloak. Everybody is wearing fur. It might cost more at first, but it would be cheapest in the end ; fur is so durable." " How much will it cost ? " " Mrs. Col. Tucker's sealskin sacque was $200 last win- ter, but I don't' feel as if, in our circumstances, we can af- ford that. Furs are cheaper than last fall, and I think I ip could get a good, desirable article, not so rich as some, but still good enough for people in our circumstances, for $150." " Um ! " said father. William had taken out a blank cheque, and was re- flecting, when in whisked the President of the Demo- cratic Club, and said Florida and South Carolina had gone for Tilden, and William was wanted down to the ^" club room to see about the illumination. He filled out J the cheque, and I immediately went down street and se- ^ lected the cloak. 7 That evening a shade of anxiety — a scarcely percept- ible tinge of melancholy — had settled on William's coun- tenance, while father's neuralgia was better. William '•I II i Vs. > 24 " THE CRAZY QUILT. >> i I ; i :il > II If ■!! : i I; asked if I had done anything about my cloak, and, if I hadn't, he should suggest waiting awhile ; furs might be cheaper, lie said, when I asked .him about it, the illu- mmation had been postponed. The next morning I heard the boys in the street screaming that Hayes was elected, and when 1 went down father was sitting on the front stairs coatless, and with his vest on one shoulder, while William balanced himself on the edge of the hat-stand. Both patriots were stock- ing fo( ted. They had just taken in the morning papers. Very little conversation was made at the break fast- table, but father was extremely polite to William, and said he did not know when he had eaten buckwheat cakes that tasted so much as they did when he was a boy. At noon William didn't stay to dessert, but father, hav- ing eaten his own pudding, drew William's untasted plate to himself. The tears were welling to my eyes, and father kindly inquired why I wept. " I've been thinking my old hat fixed over won't look at all suitable with my new cloak, but William is so blue I can't bear to ask him for more money." " Mercy on me ! " said father, " don't cry over a bonnet. Go down and get what you want and bring the bill to me. My hat was to be of seal brown. " Two feathers or three ? " asked the milliner. I thought of the hundreds out of employment, of the destitution and want the win- ter would behold, of the vanity and pride of dress, but while I hesitated a newsboy, just out with the afternoon papers, yelled : " Florida and Louisiana both sure for Hayes ! " I knew how father would feel, and said : " O, three, certainly." For two or three days there was a look, not so much of \^\\VQ melancholy as of gloom, wrath, and vengeance com- mingled in William's countenance, and he sprinkled pep- per on his beefsteak fearfully. Father said that he await- "THE CRAZY QUILT. i> 25 md, if I light be ihe illu- ! street it down id with himself i stock- papers, it- table, said he :es that jr, hav- n tasted kindly I't look 30 blue Donnet. bill to lers or Qdreds e win- Bs, but rnoon re for "0, uch of com- l pep- Lwait- ed the action of the Louisiana Returning Bureau with con- fidence in their integrity, and sipped his tea with a spoon. I never knew father to sip his tea before with a spoon in my life. By and by it was reported that election names had been omitted from Republican votes in Louisiana and father said there was a chill in these November days that struck to the very marrow, and William said he intend- ed to arrange his business so that he could spend two or three weeks of winter in some Southern clime, say in Georgia or Louisiana. That afternoon I went shopping, and at tea time laid on the cloth four or five samples of seal -brown merino. " William," said I, " which of those do you call the best piece of goods ? " His opinion coincided with mine. I held two bits off at a distance. " Ever so many women that I know have dresses off that piece," said 1. I laid the bits down and sighed. Then I held them off again and said, " How dreadful it is to be poor ! " " If you want a dress so badly, get it, Mary Ann," said William. " I really don't know, as in our circumstances I ought, William." " If there's anything I hate to see it is a shabbily dress- ed woman — get it." So, in order to satisfy William, I had to get the merino. Since that time Hayes has been sometimes elected and sometimes Tilden. i)isguises have fallen off in our family, and though my father and William treat each other with forced politeness, such words as " corruption," " nigger," " bull-dozed," have become familiar language in what I once hoped would be a refined Christian household. " William," said I, as I rung for more baked potatoes one morning, " I never allowed myself to read the Beech- er scandal — much as I wanted to — and if it was wurse than this I'm glad I didn't." 1 1 i 1 1 V ■ f ■ M i!' I'W ! i ■■: i - 1 . 1 I IS ' 1 'h Hi . l6 "THE CRAZY QUILT." One (lay, when Louisiana went for Hayes, father pro- mised me a new parlor carpet. If the question isn't settled soon I think I can easily get the house refurnish- ed, and perhaps have a new China set and a silver des- sert service. I am so sorry the Centennial is closed, for I know I could just as well spend another fortnight in Philadelphia, and I do believe I could have that lovely pink coral set I wanted so badly. I don't understand politics, but I am so glad I live under a Republican form of Government, and I do feel sure, if any one makes good resolutions and tries to be economical, and really means to be a good wife and daughter, a way will open out of difficulties King Faro. (This is turitten for Sunday School Teachers and for Inspector Archibald. ) A teacher in the Sunday School Had taught her scholars few The truths which scholars ought to know Who read the Bible through. But on the day herein set down A new one had come in — A little lad with keen bright eyes, And innocent of sin. The teacher asked them all around Such questions as she thought Would fit their minds, and bring about The object that she sought. They knew of Adam and his sin. Of Paul and Peter, too ; Of Jacob, Joseph, David, Saul, And him his brother slew. ■ zi ' iiiSs.i ' . *m'*immm0ltmti^ I ither pro- W ition isn't 1 refurnish- § diver des- M ilosed, for 1 'tnight in f lat lovely J ad I live J I do feel ^ •ies to be # wife and ^ " THE CRAZY QUILT." And then the teacher aaked her oIms If any one could tell Who Pharaoh was. " Of course, she said, You know that very well. " 27 (( But strange to say, no hand arose, And silence, with a blow. Had struck the class, and not a one The answer seemed to know. At last the new boy's hand went up — ♦ ' Well, who was Pharaoh, lad ? " The teacher smiled — the new boy said "Twas him that busted dad. " Ghostly Wedding. Inspector TWO SPOOKS CALL ON A MAGISTRATE AT MIDNIGHT AND INSIST ON HIS UNITING THEM IN MARRIAGE THERE AND THEN. New York, Dec. 23. — How remarkably the evidences of the existence of a Spiritual sphere about us accumu- late ! Still they come, these spectral messengers, to teach us that there are more truths under the sun than science takes cognizance of. Here is another : The village of Farmingdale, Queen's County, L. I., is a suburb of the rapidly growing City of Brooklyn. Its people are of the most conservative nature, mostly de- scendants from the old Puritan fathers, who came here before the revolution, and Presbyterians almost to a man. All are very much excited at present over the occurrence of a remarkable Spiritual manife~station that came to light without the presence in their midst of a medium. Three days ago a Cincinnati correspondent received a letter from his aunt who lives in the village mentioned, requesting him to come down and hear the remarkable ghost story. On !i I t ?j- i I III 1. ii! . '■' ' ii i 1 N, i ■• ! 28 "THE CRAZY QUILT." arriving at Farmingdale the following is the story which he heard, and which is authenticated by the persons be- fore whose eyes the strange event occurred : John J. Powel, Esq., is Civil Magistrate for the village, or rather he is Justice of the Peace. He is a member in high standing of the church, and is every way reliable. He is a married man and has several grown children. He lives in a large old-fashioned house surrounded by tall spruce and elm trees, with a high stone wall around the lawn. Last week, one night, he had retired to bed and got into a doze. Mrs. Powel was sleeping soundly. There was no light in the room, but the moon, half-way up the sky was sending a broad beam of ghostly light into the east window. Everything was as still as a coun- try town usually is, but a slight moaning wind that tossed about the leafy sprue tree boughs. Suddenly Mr. Powel awoke with a start from his doze. He had heard a door open. What could it be that made that noise ? He thought of thieves, and quickly arose, and was pulling on his clothing when he heard a light tread of feet to his door. He stopped breathing in his anxiety, for he thought he was about to be robbed. On came the tread to his door, which was quickly thrown open, and in an instant almost was closed again. Did anyone enter ? Mr. Powell asked himself, for he could see no one ; but his doubt was soon settled in the affirmative. Something at least, did enter, for he still heard the light tread of footsteps on the car- pet approaching him, but could see nothing. Did his eyes belie him, or did he see two feet without body ap- proaching ? His hair he says bristled up and his spine verily crept — a nameless horror seized him. Ghosts, thought he, is it possible there arc such things ? Sud- denly, the tread passed into the broad moonbeams from the window. Now was the marvel revealed ? The greenish moonlight lit up the outlines of two persons — shadows that were perfectly transparent, and seemed to reveal a ghostly gleam only on their outlines, — a man and it "THE CRAZY QUILT." 29 jtoiy which persons be- the village, member in ay reliable. Q children, ided by tall around the to bed and y soundly. i, half-way ostly light as a coun- that tossed Mr. Powel jard a door loise ? He pulling on jO his door, bought he his door, ant almost well asked was soon did enter, 1 the car- Did his body ap- his spine Ghosts, s ? Sud- ams from d ? The Dersons — eemed to man and 1 a woman — both young, both handsome — and as their spec- tral forms became more materialized on passing out of the moonlight Mr. Powel thought he could recognize both their faces. Soon he was sure of it and in a moment more they both confronted him, no longer looking like ghosts, however, and no one seeing them then would have believed that they were not entirely human, in fact, dwellers upon earth. In s|)ite of what he had al- ready seen, Mr. Powel began to think that he was being played a trick upon, but, on looking again, after rubbing he saw that they could not be human, as both to his knowledge had been dead nearly a year. This only in- creased his horror, but he gathered strength to speak to them, which somehow he remembered was the proper thing to do on such an occasion. " What — do — you want ? " stammered he. " We want to be married ! " was the answer, which the more greatly horrified the Squire. " Married ! " he echoed. " Yes, married, and quickly, in the most binding form known to the law. We haven't any time to lose, either." " But you must have at least one witness," said the Squire, hoping he had found a good idea. "Well, then, take Mrs. Powel," said the would-be ghostly bridegroom ; and not waiting for the Squire to do so, he approached the bed and shook Mrs. Powel's arm quite sharply. She at once awoke, and on seeing so strange a sight, gave a piercing shriek. " Be still," said the ghost. " You will not be hurt, you are needed for a few minutes." By this time she had "awakened, and was looking at her husband. He returned her gaze, as he says, " without flinching," and simply said, " My dear, those people want to be married, and you are needed as a witness." " What ! Katie Baylis and John Van Sise here, and want to be married ? La ! I thought they had died more than a year ago." " Well, however, they are here now, and I'm going to hitch them as soon as I can, dead i !1 { Pi J. 'HI 'ilM I ii't :ii ' HI 'I : I if 1 , t 30 "TOE CRAZY QUILT." or alive," said the Squire, growing desperate. " Shall I light the lamp ? " " No! no !" said the ghosts, " for you cannot see us if you do ; but proceed at once with the marriage." Squire Powel told the ghosts to join hands and stand before him. Then he proceeded with the usual formula until it came to until death do us part, which was left out as unnecessary. Then the groom produced a blank marriage certificate, which all present signed, and which the bride put into her bosom. "Is that all there is to it?" said the groom. "Yes," answered the S(iuire ; except the magistrate usually kisses the bride," added he, forgetting the ghostly charac- ter of the contracting parties, and remembering, perhaps, occasions in which he had availed himself of this privi- lege. " Then the bride must be kissed," said the groom. This at once brought the Squire to his senses, and made his hair raise again. " Kiss the bride ! " he echoed. The bride stepped forward at this, evidently thinking it an invitation. She brought her face to his, and with a desperate endeavor he gave her a proper kiss. As his lips met hers, he says, a terrible coldness seemed poured into him. He felt as though he was dying, but almost at once recovered himself. " Is there anything else ? " asked the groom. " Nothing," answered the Squire, faintly. " And now I suppose you would both like to know what this is for. There is no reason why you should not. You already know the story of our guilty intercourse while we were alive on earth, and that it re- sulted in our deaths. We are now in the Spirit World, which is far more like the earth than is usually supposed, only we have greater privileges and powers, but the man who does not marry when on earth cannot marry in the spirit form, and must live apart from all the married, who inhabit a higher sphere, and will in the end inherit greater powers than the unmarried, but I can't explain this, as it is not to be revealed. However, when we ' i j i J.H » J "THE CRAZY QUTLT." 31 "Shall I " for you with the and stand 1 formula was left i a blank nd which " Yes," I usually y charac- , perhaps, lis privi- e groom, nd made ed. The ng it an with a As his poured almost else?" Squire, like to .hy you r guilty it it re- World, jposed, le man in the arried, inherit xplain ■en we died we left a son, born to shame, and, without our mar- riage, which you have solemnized, to be a bastard for ever. As we are now for the time being in macerial form we are able to contract marriage by the laws of mortals, and this marriage will be recorded as perfectly lawful." By the time he had finished this long speech he nad perceptibly grown less material, and in a few minutes both bride and groom had faded away. Such is the story which Mrs. Powel told on the next day, and her husband confirmed it in every particular. The story of the lives of John Van Sise and Katie Baylis is quite romantic. John Van Sise was the son of a poor farmer in the neighborhood. Katie was the daughter of a well-to-do country gentleman, a retired merchant. They fell in love. Their parents were dead against their marriage, and it was the old story that fol- lowed. Love was too strong for parents or any other bonds. They met constantly. At last Katie gave birth to an illegitimate child, still alive. She died in child- birth. John died soon after of what was called by the neighbors hasty consumption, but his friends knew it was of a broken heart. " M. Quad's " Vagabond. " I used to try and figure on how much longer he could hold out," writes. M. Quad in the Detroit Free Press. " He was a man of fifty when I first knew him, and drink and exposure had then made a wreck of him. It's singular about these tramps and vagabonds. Once in a while there's something in one of them which will make you take to him in spite of his rags and vice and drunkenness. Old Jack was uncouth, red-faced and ragged, but he came in with his, hat in his hand, and made every effort to keep his legs under him as he said : i (I !ii|t ♦! Ir I ill ! t .11 11 I I'M H: 111*; 1 Mi • : • 1 1 ill •nil' 82 "THK CRAZY QUILT." " In case you can overlook my present condition, I should like to be j^iven a. show." He ^ot it. Thereafter he attached hiniselt" to me. I became his banker. The feeling t^radually grew upon him that, no matter how luck went with him, he had a reserve to fall back upon. It put him above other vagabonds in point of independence. He invariably used the same words and sentence in addressing me, and I never replied with a word. For the iirst live or six weeks he went over the wliole sentence as I have given it above. Then, as he felt that formality could be dispensed with, he ab- breviated to : " Overlook my condish and lend me a dime." It ^ meant the same thing and saved time. He had three regular days in the week for coming, and many a time I have stopped at the post office to get change so that he should not be disappointed. The police got hold of him one night and ran him in, and he was sent up for thirty days as a vag. I saved out his dimes at regular intervals, piling them up in a pigeon-hole, and on thft day he came out he came to see me. There had been a break in our arrangements, and he felt that an explanation was due me. He began clearing his throat to make it, but I handed over the money. He slowly counted it over, found the sum correct, and went out with the observation : " We does business on a reg'lar system, we does." As time went by and" he felt himself more solid, he ab- breviated his " opening address " still farther. He came in, steadied himself on the corner of the desk and said : " Present condish — 10 cents." He acted as if he expected a kick or 'a protest on my part, but there was none. I don't think he ever satisfied himself as to my motive in giving. For a long while he must have argued that I was baiting a trap for him, and would some day read him a lecture on temperance and industry, but as the days went by and nothing of' the sort occurred he felt more at ease. On several occasions he 'i*\ 4^ / "THE CItAZY QUILT.' 33 idition, I lo me. I jpon him a reserve .bonds in he same ir replied he went s. Then, 1, he ab- He had many a lange so got hold it up for > regular thft day a break iion was t, but I V, found on : )> 1. , he ab- e came Isaid : on my itisfied lie he and Ice and |he sort )ns he waited a minute, as if anxious to have me 'ask wh v ho didn't brace U|) and become a different and a b(^t tur man, but I didn't do it. Old Jack finally V>ecame jealous of me. That is, he was jealous of his income. One day there was a wran<]rle in the hallway. A stransjfe vagabond had come up to hit somebody for a dime, and old Jack had followed after to say to him : " Who yer going to strike, because I've got rights up here ^ " " Who be you as talks so big ? Do you own this foun- dry?" " I say I've got rights as no bundle of bones must inter- fere with 1 You skip ! " " I won't ! " " Then I'll make you ! " And the strange tramp was hustled down stairs in a manner to damage every square inch of his anatomy. On another occasion, when I was conversing with an old vag on the market, my friend happened to pass. He didn't proceed to violence, but he gave me such a look of re- proach that I felt it for a week. There was that in the look which accused me of an intention to swap vags and secure a cheaper one, but after a week or two old Jack evidently realized that it was only a chance meeting, and that I was not to blame. One regular pay day I again missed him. He was always on time to the minute, and when he did not show up I was somewhat alarmed. Had the police run. him in again ? Had the end finally come ? I was waiting and wondering when a bit of a bootblack appeared and handed me a piece of brown wrapping paper on which was scrawled : " Condish— ten." Thereafter, every pay day for the next three weeks, the boy came for the money. Neither of us asked a question, but I suspected old Jack was laid up somewhere 1': I 34 THK CHA/Y t^UILT. ' ' ' i •, 'I '*'" fir ■■Vi i.i; -J- with sickncsH. After tlie third week tlio boy ceased to come, noi couhl I hear of the old man. ITis Halary was regiilarly laid aside for him for six weeks, and then I started one day to hunt him up. After a long search I found him in a river-side hovel. H<^ had been wild and delirious for many days, and had come out of it only to die. He lay on a bed of raf,'s, his face pinched and drawn and pale, and as I bent over him, I was hardly sure of his identity. He knew me at once, and as I took his hand, he whispered : " Condish— ten ! " I put his salary into his palm, and he died grasping it. And now I wonder if he did not say at Heaven's gate : " In case you can overlook my present [condition, I should like to be given a show." Are There Any Like Them in Toronto ? The Neiv York Journal of Commerce published the following in answer to a correspondent's query : The epigram asked for is not as ancient as our correspondent supposes. It first appeared in The Gentleman's Magazine for Aug- ust, 1784, where it read as follows : " To cheat the public two contractors come. One deals in corn, the other deals in rum ; The greater rogue 'tis hard to ascertain. The rogue in spirit, or the rogue in grain." It was signed T. W., afterwards ascertained to stand for Thomas Wart on, a well-known wit and writer of that day. It was written upon two brothers named Atkinson, one of whom (Christopher) was afterwards fined .^2,000 and condenmed to stand in the pillory near the Corn F^xchange foi' his misconduct in grain. This warning might be repeated for tlK; ])enefit of some deal- ers i n our day. ' ' "liwfa jo.ui i^ i W i ' i'» ro ri n" > i i\ \\» wm Y eoase*! to .salary was and then I \g scare) 1 I n wild and ' it only to and drawn sure of his c his hand, ifrasping it. sn's ^ate : Dndition, I to? lished the rrespondent ine for Aiig- to stand writer of s named "terwards ory near n. This J no deal- "THE CRAZY QUILT.' At The Telephone. 56 " Now, my dear," said Mr. Spoopendyke, standing be- fore the teleplione and jjreparint more'n an hour and a half ! Hello, hello-o-o I wake up and call up Specklewottle, dod gast ye ! " and Mr. Spoopendyke I'attled awav at the crank until his arm ached. " Be patient, dear. You said she'd gone, and it's a long- way around to Mr. Specklewottle's house. Perhaps he isn't home antl she's waiting for him." " That's the way it works, eh ! " shrieked Mr. Spoopen- dyke, glaring at his wife. " It took you to get hold of it ! When J call that girl she goes home to dinner, and along in the evening she goes around to Specklewottle's house and brings him here in a hack 1 That your idea of it ? ji^VU i THE CRAZY QUILT. 87 , the moths haven't lost ;• her nose. started." 3 ! " bawled T his wife's i gone. No I. Another take it over at will keep >oopendyke, ge. " Never Why didn't measly old asted steam Mrs. Spoop- ? " squealed there was thoroughly ni, the dia- steel with that will 0-0 I wake and Mr. il his arm it's a long- Perhaps he Spoopen- hold of it ! and along tie's house idea of it ? I Or p'raps you've got some soi't of a notion that she runs the wire tliiough Specklewottle, turns on the current and slams him right up heie through the side of the house ! That your idea ? Well, she don't, and she don't break her back trying to make a dod gasted idiot of herself, like some women ! " " I think I understand how it works," faltered Mrs. Spoopendyke. " You say, ' Yellow, yellow — !" "There's the com)>ination ! " yeHed Mr. Spoopendyke. " You got your work in that time ! Why didn't you tell me I was brimjfinij: this thinaf home to the inventor ? What'd you want to let me stand up here and explain this thing to the only comprehensive brain that ever tackled it for ? Y'ou've got it ! With what you know now and what you'v^e got to find out, you only need a wig and a law-suit to bo the whole science of electricity. I tell ye this is the way it works ! " and Mr. Spoopendyke brought the l)OX a kick that splintered it. " See it work ? " lie demanded, pulling at the wires until they cut his hands. " Watch it, while I convey your regards to the other lunatics !" and he danced on the remnants of the instrument and smashed the fraijments ao-ainst the wall. " Never mind, dear," remonstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke, puttering around after him and trying to soothe hfm. " When we want Mr. Specklewottle again, we'll just send a servant around after him. That'll be much nicer than trusting to a nasty wire, and I know there was a draught through that box, for I could feel it as soon as it come in the room." " Oh, you could feel it ! " roared Mr. Spoopend3^ke, rather wonderintj how he was fjoinjx to account to the Company for the destruction of his box. " If I had your sensitiveness and an onion, I'd hire out as a dod gasted orchid ! " and with this culminating sarcasm, Mr. Spoop- endyke crushed his hat over his ears and rushed around to Mr. Speckle wottle's to see what had better be done about the matter. ill II : ( ii ■ i 1 !■ 38 "THE CRAZY QUILT." " I don't care," murmured Mrs. Spoopendyke, as she Hopped down on the floor to pick up the pieces of the wrecked telephone box ; "he'll not have any opportunity for standing up here and talking to that girl until his legs are tired," and with this sage expression of her satis- faction over the result of the experiment, Mrs. Spoopen- dyke broke oft' the ends of the bent wires and laid them away to crimp her hair on. i r. i'J M ^ High Steeples. The following are the heights in feet of a few of the tallest steeples : — Washington Monument Cologne Cathedral St. Nicholas, Hamburg Strasburg Cathedral Notre Dame, Rouen t. Peter's, Rome « Pyramid of Cheops, Cairo height 480) . St. Stephen's, Vienna . Pyramid of Chefren, Cairo St. Martin's, Landshut St. Michael's, Hamburg Amiens Cathedral Salisbury Cathedral Antwerp Cathedral Lubeck Cathedral Hotel de Ville, Brussels St. Paul's, London Milan Cathedral Florence Cathedral Utrecht Cathedral (formerly 354) (original 611 473 468 46 J 455 450 449 447 435 428 422 410 402 395 370 365 355 352 338 i>VvV If THE CRAZY QUILT. 39 St. Patrick's Cathedral, New York (to be when completed) Campanile, Venice St. James' Cathedral, Toronto, Ont. The Capitol, Washington Lincoln Cathedral Campanile, or Giotto's Tower, Florence Trinity Church, New York . Minaret of Mosque of Sultan Hassan (highest Mohammedan minaret in the world), Cairo . Leaning Tower, Bologna Notre Dame, Paris English Cathedral, Montreal Bunker Hill Monument, Boston Notre Dame Cathedral, Montreal Washington Monument, Baltimore Leaning Tower, Pisa . 330 322 316 307 300 292 284 282 272 224 224 221 220 210 179 Rehearsing for Private Theatricals. " Now, my dear," said Mr. Spoopendyke, opening the |book and assuming the correct dramatic scowl — " now my dear, we'll rehearse our parts for Specklewottle's theat- ricals. I'm to be Hamlet and you're to be the Queen, and we want this thing to go off about right. The hardest part we have to play together is where I accuse you of poisoning my father, and we'd better try that until we get it perfect. I'll commence : " * Now, mother, what's the matter ? ' " "Well, I was thinking whether I had better wear my black silk or my maroon suit," returned Mrs. Spoopen- dyke, sticking her finger into her mouth retiectively, *' Do queens wear-—" |i!i:ii •ti ; 40 "THE CRAZY «,)UILT." !«4 m X 'iii " Will you be kind enough to tell me what pack of cards you fj;ot that idea of a queen from ? " demanded Mr. Spoopendyke, fixing his wife's eye with a glare. *■ Do you suppose that queen sent for Hamlet to get his opinion about bargains in dry goods ? When I say that you must say, " ' Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended ! ' " " Oh, I understand," pleaded Mrs. Spoopendyke. " I thought you asked me what I was thinking about. I didn't know you had commenced to play. Try it again." " Well, you be careful this time," recommended Mr. Spoopendyke, in a tone of solemn warning. " This is a play, this is. Think you know the difference between a play and a bankrupt sale f Know the distinction between a phi}' and a millinery-shop opening ? Now, I'll begin again and you try to do it decently." " ' Now, mother, what's the matter ! ' " " There's nothing the matter now," replied Mrs. Spoo- pendyke, straightening up and preparing to be queen as soon as her turn came. '' Go on, dear. I understand it now." •' Say it, can't ye ! " thundered Mr. Spoopendyke. ** Haven't ye studied this business ? Don't ye know your dod gasted part ? " " What shall 1 say, dear ? " asked Mrs. Spoopendyke, looking at her husband with a dazed expression. " Say I " roared Mr. Spoopendyke. " Smg a hymn 1 If you don't know your part, get off a psalm ! Didn't I tell you what to say ? Look here," and Mr. Spoopendyke lowered his voice to the intense pitch. " Have you ever read this play ? Have you conceived any kind of a no- tion of what it's ail about ? " " Why, yes," faltei'cd Mrs. Spoopendyke. "You come in anaby calfie ? " Then the Holstein seemed to get oHendod at the ungentlemanly aspersion of his char- acter, or else disapproved of the chicness and la modity of her parasol, for he uttered an ominous bellow, indica- tive of a desire on his part to change the fashion there and then or die in the attempt. My previous acquain- tance with the.se symptoms made the fence seem dimly far away. I am a brave man, but Wellington himself never knew what it was to stand by an unsuspecting female with a red striped parasol and listen to the un- qualified remarks of a Holstein bull with fastidious tastes. I said, with great presence of mind, " let you and I run a foot race to the fence, and the loser pays a pound of gum-drops. Go ! " I think I must have got a little the start of the young lady, or else city girls can't run, for I came in first by about ten yards, with the bull a good third, his head down, and an expression in his eye which said, "give me red parasol or give me death." As I scrambled upon the fence without regard to my usual dignity of deportment. I heard a scream — the city young lady rose in the air — the hand-embroidered ankles became distinctly visible, the parasol fell on the bull's horns, and I clutched a very demoralized dolman with a hysterical female inside of it, and held them in safety on the top rail. While the Hol- stein devoted his attention to exterminating the offensive "THE CRAZY QUILT." 49 wiinshade, I assisted tlie city young lalied his patient wife. " Oh, of cour.sc ! A pill is out of season now. (.'an't even have a pill when I feel like it;" and Mr. Spoopen- dyke groaned in spiri'. and looked dismal. " Now sit down and don't move. I want to sleep. Don't you make a bit of noise if you want me to live." And Mrs. Spoopendyke held her breath and never rustled a feather while her husband lay and glared out of the window for an hour and a half. A Trial of Endurance. " My dear," queried Mr. Spoopendyke, " did you put those oysters on the cellar floor with the round shells down, as I told you to ? " " I did most of 'em," replied Mrs. Spoopendyke. " Some of 'em wouldn't stay that way. They turned right over." " Must have been extraordinary intelligent oysters," muttered Mr. Spoopendyke, eying her with suspicion. " Didn't any of 'em stand up on end and ask for the morn- ing paper, did they ? " " You know what I mean," fluttered Mrs. Spoopendyke. " They tipped over sideways, and so I laid them on the flat shell." " That's right," grunted Mr. Spoopendyke. " You want to give an oyster his own way, or you'll hurt his feelings. Suppose you bring up some of those gifted oysters and an oyster knife, and we'll eat 'em." Mrs. Spoopendyke hurried away and puttered back with the feast duly set out on a tea-waiter, which she placed before Mr, Spoopendyke with a flourish. " Now," said she, drawing up her sewing-chair, and resting her elbows on her knee.i and her chin on her hands, " when you get all you want you may open me some." ^ "THE f'RAZV QUILT." Mr. S[K)()|)(Mi(]yke whirlt'd tbo knife around his head and l>i()u;jfht, it down witli a shai}) crack. TJiim lie clip- ped away at the and for a moment, and jahl)ed away at wliat he supposed was the opening. The knife*slipped and plouglied the bark oti" his thumb. " Won't come open, won't ye ? " he snorted, fetclung it another lick, and jabbing away again. "Haven't com- pleted your census of who's out here working at ye, have ye ? " and he brought it another whack. " P'raps ye think 1 haven't fully made up my mind to inquire with- in, don't ye ? " and he rammed the point of the knife at it, knocking the skin oti'his knuckle. " That isn't the way to open an oyster," suggested Mrs. Spoopendyke. "Look here," roared Mr. Spoopendyke, turning fiercely on his wife. " Have you got any private understanding with this oyster ? Has the oyster confided in you the particular way in which he wants to be opened ? " " No-o ! " stammered Mrs. Spoopendyke. " Only I thought—" " This is no time for thought ! " shouted Mr. Spoopen- dyke, banging away at the edge of the shell. " This is the moment for battle, and if I've happened to catch this oyster during oftice hours, he's going to enter into rela- tions with the undersigned. Come out, will ye ? " he yelled, as the knife flew up his sleeve. " Maybe ye don't recognize the voice of Spoopendyke ! Come out, ye dod gasted coward, before ye make an enemy of me for life ! " and he belted away at the shell with the handle of the knife, and spattered mud like a dredging machine. " Let me get you a hammer to crack him with," recom- mended Mrs. Spoopendyke, hovering over her husband in great perturbation. " Don't want any hammer ! " howled Mr. Spoopendyke, slamming around with his knife. " S'pose I'm going to use brute force on a dod gasted fish that I could swallow alive if I could only get him out of his house ? Open "THE CRAZY QUILT." 01 )> your inea-sly jiroiuiseH ! " rave