*,^i
i
THIS STORY WILL INTEREST
Every Wife whose Husband is a
*" Club '* or '' Society'* Man to the
Neglect of his Wife and Family;
and
Every Husband whose "Wif e> in his
opinion, is too much of the ** New I
Woman **
Other Men and other Women will
also be amused, and perh^^s^edi-
fied, by its perusal
t - ,
' * * '^
TIH. AND
MRS. TIM
TIM AND MRS. TIM
Jl Storg for the "dllnh" anb
" Socwtg " J«an anb the
" #eto " 5Eoman
BT
R. T. LANCEFIELD
AUTHOR OF " VICTORIA, SIXTY YEARS A QUEEN
.jy*"Me-V^ ;
TORONTO
THE TORONTO NEWS COMPANY
LIMITED
Entered accJWWg to Act of the Parliament of Can-
ada in the year One Thousand Eight Hundred
and Ninety-seven, by Richard T. Lancefield,
in the office of the Minister of Agriculture.
First Edition, 3000 Copies, December, 1897.
CONTENTS,
CHAPTER I.
Re la: v ho7v Tim yielded to temptation ;
of Mrs. Tim's sorrow ; and of Tim's
explanation . . . . . p
CHAPTER II.
Relates how Tim studied the Private Rit-
ual ; how Mrs. Tim acquired a know-
ledge thereof; and of the complications
that ensued 22
CHAPTER III
Relates ho7v Tim became a confirmed
''Joiner;" how one wife tried to cure •
her husband; of Mrs. Tim's great
scheme to cure Tim ; and of the domes-
tic infelicities that fcllowed . . ^j
CHAPTER IV.
Relates Mrs. Tim's impressions of ' ' social
hours " at Lodges; how Tim became par-
alyzed at Mrs. Tim's outburst ; how Tim
dropped Society work ; and how Mrs.
Tim herself became a famous '* Joiner " 75
via CONTENTS
CHAPTER V.
Relates how Tim planned a domestic
earthquake ; how the earthquake finally
came ; and the result thereof . . /oj
CHAPTER VI.
How Tim^ in expressive verse^ commem"
orated the return of white-wi7iged Peace
to his domicile zj^
Tim and
Mrs* Tim
CHAPTER I
RELATES HOW TIM YIELDED TO TEMP-
TATION AND JOINED A SOCIETY ;
OF MRS. TIM's sorrow ; AND OF
TIM's EXPLANATION.
^
IMOTHY WRIGHT,
familiarly called by his friends, was
one of the wide-awake business men
of the thriving city of ParkerviUc
10 TIM AND MRS. TIM
In his early days Tim had been a
specially good young man. Not
one of your namby-pamby, goody-
goody kind ; but a fine specimen of
a healthy, whole-souled, virile Anglo-
Saxon.
Tim remembered the scriptural in-
junction that it is not good for man
to dwell alone. At the somewhat
sensible age of twenty-four he had
taken unto himself a life partner for
better or for worse.
For some time the domestic affairs
of the young married coi'ple ran the
even tenor of their ways, as it were.
This veracious history, indeed, might
never have been written had not Tim
in an evil hour listened to the voice
of the tempter, in the person of an
TIM AND MRS. TIM n
old school chum, Harry Harris.
Harry was a member of the M. O.
D. I. (Modern Order of Divided
Idlers). One day Tim was induced
by that smooth-tongued gentleman
to allow his name to be proposed for
membership in that order.
Tim at first resolutely refused. He
had always been what is known as a
** home-bird." Translated into the
vernacular this meant that he spent
his evenings in the bosom of his
family, instead of chumming or bum-
ming with the boys around town in
the evenings, as too many married
men do.
Tim had enjoyed many a laugh at
the jokes in the comic papers about
the stories of husbands making the
J2 TIM AND MRS. TIM
excuse to their wives that they were
going to the lodge, when they were
simply going- to make a night of it
at the club, if not at some more
questionable resort. And he told
friend Harry flatly that he was not
going to begin joining lodges. A
joke was a joke all right enough,
and no one could enjoy a good one
more than he could himself. But
married men, especially, had a duty
to perform. That duty was to look
after their wives and families, and
not to go gadding about town with
the single fellows, who had no one
but themselves to worry about.
But Tim was much mistaken if he
thought that such arguments as
these would satisfy friend Harry.
TIM AND MRS. TIM tS
Not at all. Harry had what is
known as the -Society' fever. In
common parlance he was a -Joiner."
It wasn't a question of what society
he belonged to, but rather of what
society he did not belong to, for he
joined any and every society to which
he could gain admittance.
And not only was Harry an en-
thusiastic -Joiner" himself, but he
had an almost mesmeric power over
his friends. He easily took first
• prize in most of the societies to
which he belonged for bringing in
the largest number of new members.
It was not surprising, then, that
he soon overcame Tim's scruples,
and finally induced him to sign the
application form for membership, as
H TIM AND MRS. TIM
before recited. Not that Tim yield-
ed without a struggle. On the con-
trary, he fought hard against the
temptation.
'* Really, Harry," he said, ** I
would much rather not join. What
is the use ?"
** Why, my dear boy," replied
Harry, in his bright, breezy manner ;
*' it won't be hard to show you that.
It does a man good in every way to
join us. He becomes acquainted
with men he might otherwise never •
meet. He has the rough corners of
his character rounded off by contact
with his fellow men. He is soon
placed in office, and thus becomes
a person of importance among the
brethren. He has the sympathy
TIM AND MRS- TIM 16
and practical aid of his brethren in
times of sorrow and misfortune. In
fact, I am sure it is unnecessary for
me to continue to demonstrate the
benefits which our society confers
upon its members."
Such a shower of reasons why he
should join was too much for Tim.
He was not logician enough to sep-
arate the wheat from the chaff, and
to argue the various points so well
presented by Harry ; while he could
not deny that some of them appealed
very strongly to his personal feelings
and predilections. He did not care
a button for office, but he did think
it was a capital idea, both from a
business a? well as a personal point
of view, to increase the area of his
i6 TIM AND MRS. TIM
acquaintances, and to have the aid
of faithful brethren in times of sick-
ness and distress.
So his application went in. As
Tim was a citizen of standing and
repute, it is needless to say that the
application was accepted. In course
of time Tim was duly initiated
into the secrets and mysteries of
the order, and straightway blossomed
out into a full-fledged member of the
aforesaid Modern Order of Divided
Idlers.
And thus arose the first cloud
which obscured the hitherto serene
sky of happiness of Mrs. Tim. She,
poor woman, was now to realize the
truth of the old saying, that one
never fully appreciates any blessing
TIM AND MRS. TIM t7
one enjoys till one is about to lose it.
She had enjoyed Tim's society in the
evening's for so many years, that she
had come to look upon it as quite
the natural thing. She occasionally
heard rumors that Mr. Jones, one of
their neighbors, was attending too
much to societies, and neglecting his
wife and family. Mrs. Brown, an-
other neighbor, had told her only a
few weeks before, that Mr. Brown be-
longed to so many societies, he hardly
ever spent an evening at home, and
that she was a most unhappy woman
in consequence. But Mrs. Tim had
not taken much notice of these stor-
ies. She had simply said to her-
self, ** Thank heaven ! my Tim
has more sense than to do such
« TIM AND MRS. TIM
things, or to make such a fool of
himself. "
It can readily be imagined, there-
fore, that it was quite a shock to her
feehngs when her own Tim began to
attend lodge once a week. She re-
frained from saying much at first.
She often felt on the verge of an out-
break when Mr. Tim would come
home, frequently about midnight,
and sometimes even later, with a stale
smell of bad tobacco hanging round
his clothes. If there was one thing
that Mrs, Tim detested more than
another, it was the smell of tobacco
in the house ; and Tim, it must be
understood, rarely smoked before he
became a recruit in the ranks of the
Joiners.
TIM AND MRS. TIM i9
But though Mrs. Tim did not make
much of a fuss, yet she could not
refrain from expressing her opinion.
'' Why, Tim," she would say ; *' I
thought you had been to the lodge?"
'< And so I have, my dear," Tim
would reply.
^^Then, sir," Mrs. Tim would
say, *M am afraid your lodge is not
going to do you much good. It seems
to me you only waste your time
there. You know, Tim, you have
been out so seldom without me till
lately ; and even when you did go
out, you came home without this
horrid stale tobacco smell about you.
While now — "
And there would be just the faint-
est touch of a catch in her voice, as
20 TIM AND MRS. TIM
though she were going to break
down entirely. Whereupon Tim
would gallantly come to the rescue.
** Come, come, my dear," he would
say ; '' don't go on like this. I can
assure you there are a fine lot of fel-
lows belonging to the lodge, and
that we conduct ourselves properly.
Sometimes, it is true, after the lodge
business is over, a few of us have a
quiet chat and a smoke, just talking
over things in general and lodge
matters in particular. Besides, my
dear, it's only once a week, anyway.
And then think of the honor in store
for your husband. To-night, for in-
stance, the members elected me I. G.
F. B. D., which means Inspector-
General of the Front and Back
TIM AND MRS, TIM 21
Doors. You will see your nt^xt-door
neigfhbor will be green with jealousy
to-morrow when she sees my name
in the papers among* the list of offic-
ers, as her husband has not yet been
elected to any office."
Mrs. Tim would interject an occa-
sional ** Humph !" or ** Nonsense !"
expressive of her supreme contempt,
as Tim would thus rattle on in his
own free and easy style, w^hile dis-
robing preparatory to seeking some
much needed repose.
Thus was the domestic peace of
Mrs. Tim invaded ; and thus did
Tim on his part come to regret that
the historic Mrs. Caudle with her
curtain lectures had invaded his hith-
erto peaceful home. ;s^-
22 TIM AND MRS. TIM
CHAPTER II
RELATES HOW TIM STUDIED THE PRI-
VATE RITU/' ; HOW MRS. TIM ALSO
ACQUIRED A KNOWLEDGE THEREOF ;
AND OF THE COMPLICATIONS THAT
ENSUED. ■' -. : V- "i^^-,
[UCH scenes as the one de-
scribed were mild indeed
compared with those that
were to follow. In the course of time
Tim was elected to higher office in
his lodge. Then he joined a higher
branch of the same order, and was
speedily elected an office-bearer.
Soon after he had the supreme satis-
faction of seeing his name in print
TIM AND MRS. TIM 23
with these initials after it : H. S. H.
C. R. S. F., and hearing himself ad-
dressed by the brethren as His Ser-
ene Highness Sir Timothy Wright,
the Chosen Ruler of the Select Few.
His election to this exalted office
necessitated much study, as he was
required to memorize the ritual used
at the initiation of candidates. But
by this time Tim was equal to any
sacrifice that the order required. In-
stead of attending to his family and
his social duties, and taking life easy,
he set to work in his spare moments,
and succeeded in mastering nearly
the entire ritual.
He had been given a copy of the
secret ritual prepared for officers
only, to assist him in this task. This
24 TIM AND MRS, TIM
was to be kept strictly private. One
day Tim got a bad fright through
his carelessness in not taking suffi-
cient care of it.
He had sat up one night well into
the small hours of the morning,
deeply immersed in his self-imposed
task of memorizing. On retiring he
had thrown the book into his private
drawer in the chiffonier in his bed-
room. He was very busy for the
next few days and nights — too busy,
in fact, to give a thought to the fur-
ther study of the book.
But it so happened that Mrs. Tim,
in straightening up her husband's
room, as every good wife feels in
honor bound to do occasionally, had
come across the precioi^*^ Private
TIM AND MRS. TIM aS
Ritual. A glance through its pages
was enough to show that it did not
contain any old or even recent love
letters from unknown females, or
other compromising materials, such
as are said to be occasionally found
in the books or pockets of some bad
husbands. The ritual was on the
point of being laid back in its place,
when Mrs. Tim suddenly conceived
the idea of playing off a practical
joke on Mr. Tim as part payment
for the many weary hours she had
now to pass by herself. Like Mr.
Tim, she suddenly became a diligent
student of the Private Ritual. When
she thought she was sufficiently
versed in her part, she proceeded to
spring a surprise on Mr. Tim.
26 TIM AND MRS. TIM
One night, or rather early one
morning, Tim came home smelling
worse than ever of vile tobacco, to
which was added a most suspicious
odor of beer or whisky. Mrs. Tim
had retired, like the dutiful wife that
she was. Tim also was soon sleep-
ing the sleep- of the tired-out, beer-
soaked brother. In the morning,
when he awoke, his good wife was
up and dressed ; but there was a look
of anxiety on her face, and a sort of
I-am-sorry-for-you tone in her voice,
that Tim did not at all like.
** Ah, Tim," said his wife; ''I
thought it would come to this sooner
or later. No man can go on like
you have been going and not suffer
the consequences."
TIM AND MRS. TIM 27
**V/hy, my dear," said Tim;
** what on earth is the matter ?
Grumbling, as usual, of course. But
what special sin am I guilty of now,
that you put on such a long face and
speak in such a sorrowful tone ?"
** Grumbling?" queried Mrs. Tim,
** Yes, and well I may grumble,
Tim. Tim, do you know you have
taken to talk in your sleep, and
doctors all agree that that is a sure
sign of brain weakening ? "
*^ What's that?" said Tim, omit-
ting the usual ^* My dear" in his as-
tonishment ; *^ talking in my sleep ?
What do you mean, madam ?"
*^0h, I mean just what I scy,
Tim," was the reply ; ** it is simply
awful the way you have been going
28 TIM AND MRS. TIM
on in your sleep lately. You evi-
dently have a fine time of it at your
lodge meetings. And what a pack of
fools you do make of yourselves, to
be sure," she added, her words and
tone of voice causing Mr. Tim some
anxiety.
^* Why, madam," he said ; ^^ what
do you mean by talking in this way ?
I am really astonished. I would have
you understand that we behave our-
selves in the lodge room like gentle-
men." Tim said this in his most
severe tone of voice, in the hope that
it would carry conviction with it, and
put a tsop to the discussion.
But it didn't do either one or the
other. ^ ^^ . .
** Like gentlemen !" sarcastically
TIM AND MRS. TIM 29
remarked Mrs. Tim. ** Like 'ba-
bies,' would be a better term to use."
*'Come, come, my dear," said
Tim; ** you really must not get
such an idea into your pretty head."
As Tim's severity had failed to
shut off the discussion, he now tried
the effect of a persuasive, loving
tone, with the object of putting Mrs.
Tim into a good humor again.
But the persuasion failed just as
the severity had failed, both being
absolutely lost on Mrs. Tim, who
continued the discussion.
** Oh, Tim, your blarney will not
go this time. I tell you I know what
I am talking about. You are really
thinking so much of your society
duties and your lodge work, that you
30 TIM AND MRS. TIM
are talking of them while sleeping as
well as while awake."
**Why, my dear, what do you
mean ?" said Tim, by this time be-
ginning to get a little frightened as
to what his wife knew and what she
did not know.
**What DO I mean ?" said Mrs.
Tim; **why I mean that if you
keep on in your present course, I
shall soon know all the secret work
of your societ/."
**What!" exclaimed Tim, in as-
tonishment.
**Yes," said Mrs. Tim; ^^you
have said so much of it over in your
sleep lately, that you have kept me
from sleeping, and I had nothing
better to do than to listen and learn."
TIM AND MRS, TIM M
^^ Bless my soul !" exclaimed Tim
(and it must be said here that Tim
prided himself on being a man who
seldom indulged in strong language);
*^ what have I been saying, pray?'*
^^Well," said Mrs. Tim, ''I will
repeat a little of what I remember,
and it must be something to which
you attach a great deal of import-
ance, as I don't know how many
times you have repeated it. Listen
now :
'' ' Most High and Mighty Vice-
Chosen Ruler, Are you a member of
the Select Few?'
*^ ^ The Vice-Ruler stands upon his
head, salutes the Chosen Ruler by
placing his feet in the form of an
equilateral triangle, and replies :
32 TIM AND MRS- TIM
** M am, Serene Highness. Try
me and prove me.'
*^ * How will you be tried ? '
*^ * By my record, Serene High-
ness ? '
'' * What is that record?'
** * That, except in exceptional
cases, I never spend more than one
night a week at home with my wife
and family ; that I throw the entire
care and responsibility of the house
upon my wife ; that I take care to
growl and make myself as disagree-
able as possible if my wife complains
of my conduct in this respect, or if I
find her attending any meetings or
entertainments with a gentleman
friend.'
*^ * Right glad am I, most Worthy
TIM AND MRS. TIM 33
Brother, to find that you can prove
yourself so eminently qualified to be
a member of the Select Few. I can
only trust that you will persevere and
still further sacrifice yourself on the
altar of duty by joining one other
society to fill up the vacant night
which you now spend at home once
a week. We are all agreed upon the
point that no man who is a man will
• think of wasting his hours at home
with his wife and family when he can
be enjoying himself with his brethren
in the lodge room. I will now ad-
dress a few questions to the other
officers.'
** * Unworthy Keeper of the Prop-
erties, What is your duty ? '
** ^ To see that everything is ready
34 TIM AND MRS. TIM
at the proper moment when a candi-
date is initiated, Serene Highness.'
** ^ As we have a candidate now in
waiting for initiation, I would ask
you, Is everything properly pre-
pared ? '
** ^ Everything is properly pre-
pared. Serene Highness,' replied
the Wretched Keeper. ^ I have ascer-
tained that the various accessories
designed to impress upon the can- *
didate the awful solemnity of the
ceremony are all ready.'
*^ * What is the principal of those
accessories ? '
*^ ^ The great furnace. Serene
Highness, which is heated to ap-
parently 630", into which the asbestos
dummy corpse is to be hurled at the
TIM AND MRS. TIM 35
proper moment, as a warning to the
candidate of the fate which awaits
him if he fails to report and maintain
at least as good a record as the Vice-
Ruler.'
** * What is the second principal
accessory ?'
*^*The thirty-ton electrical ham-
mer, Serene Highness, which has
been set to stop at 5 feet iij^ inches,
that being the exact height of the
candidate as he will stand in the
three-inch soled boots in which he
will be initiated.' ( I i ;
** ^ What is the object of the elec-
trical hammer, and what lesson is it
intended to convey. Wretched Keep-
er?'--. - -■ • .-^-^-^J:r.SL- ^i..
' * ^ That the candidate may be nearly
U TIM AN> MRS. TIM
frig^htened to death by the release of
the electrical hammer, in order to
illustrate that just as the ponderous
hammer, if not stopped at the proper
moment, would crush him as flat as
a pancake, so will the scorn and de-
rision of his brethren cause him to
feel equally flat if he at any time
violates any of the cardinal principles
of the Select Few, Serene Highness.'
[^^ What are the other principal ac-
cessories prepared, Wretched Keep-
er?'
** *The rubber blanket, and the lion
and the lamb. Serene Highness.
The rubber blanket has been stretched
twelve feet below the spot on which
the candidate will stand, so that
when the button is pushed, and the
TIM AND MRS- TIM 37
electrical trap door collapses, the
candidate, while experiencing the
sensation of a visit to the domicile
of the Father of All Evil, will be
received in the folds of the blanket
and rolled gently to the automatic
electrical elevator, by which agency
he will be speedily restored to the
arms of his brethren in the lodge
room ; while the lion has been
gorged with cooked lamb, so that at
the proper moment we shall be able
to illustrate to the life the tableaux
of the lion and the lamb lying down
together — with the lamb inside the
lion, this being generally the only
way in which these two animals do
lie down together in this work-a-day
life on earth.'
91 TIM AND MRS. TIM
/I^Tis well, Wretched Keeper/*
said the Serene Highness ; *<but see
that your apparatus is in thorough
working order, as it is not desirable
to have a repetition of the accident
which befel the candidate at the last
initiation, when the electrical hammer
was set an inch lower than the exact
height of the candidate, with the re-
sult that the initiatory ceremonies
were brought to an abrupt termina-
tion and the candidal . only restored
to life by the aid of the powerful
electro-therapeutic appliances in the
possession of the lodge physician.' "
**Stop, stop," cried Tim, who had
listened with astonishment as Mrs.
Tim rattled her lesson off with
parrot-like promptness. ''Oh, this
I TIM AND MRS- TIM »
j is awful. Surely I did not say all
this ?" he continued, as he realised
that it was word for word what had
been said in the lodge at the last
meeting. :^,-y4i^-^^:^^m-:-
** Oh, but all this is just what you
did say," said Mrs. Tim. ** Nice
goings on, I must say," she con-
tinued, in a bantering tone. ** So
you are proud of your record ? A
beautiful specimen of a husband,
aren 't you ? With your wonderful
electrical hammer, and secret trap
door, and the rest of the machinery ?
Why, really, Barnum and Bailey
should be asked to engage the lot of
you as a circus exhibit, as showing
what a pack of fools men can make
of themselves."
40 TIM AND MRS- TIM
^* Ah, ah ! my dear, laughed Tim,
by this time roused to the necessity
of saying something to throw his
wife off the scent; *^and so you
really believe all this is an actual
fact? Well, I always heard and
thought women could be silly, but
hardly so stupid as to swallow all
this." -■--■-- .:.;.:..'^^..:--..--.-./^::'- a.^^
**Now, Tim," said Mrs. Tim,
severely ; ^Vplay the fool if you want
to. I do n't suppose I can prevent
you doing that, as you seem to like
it so much ; but don't be a liar, sir.
What I have said is all true, and you
, Something in the tone in which
this was said made Tim pause for a
reply, and then to put on his think-
TIM AND MRS. TIM -M
ing cap. In a flash he remembered
his precious manual of Private \Vork,
and where he had left it. Then he
saw through it all— that Mrs. Tim
had found the book, had memorized
portions of it, and had just been
playing with him. . ^ i>^
To say that he was angry, would
hardly be the truth, for he was more
than angry — he was disgusted. And
when a husband is disgusted with
himself, and angry at his wife at the
same time — poor fellow, he is in a
bad state indeed. However, Tim
saw there was nothing for him to do
but to capitulate and make the best
terms he could. f^^^''y'':i-.-:'^-r.^
'' So, so, Mrs. Tim," he said ;
*' that is your game, is it? Well,
42 TIM AND MRS. TIM
madam, I must say you have suc-
ceeded admirably ; only for my sake,
if not for your own, I trust that this t
matter will go no further."
Mrs. Tim, however, saw she had fl
the whip hand, and took advantage
of this fact to exact a conditional
promise from Tim of better behaviour
for the future.
TIM AND MRS. TIM 43
CHAPTER III
RELATES HOW TIM BECAME A CON-
FIRMED '' joiner" ; HOW ONE WIFE
TRIED TO CURE HER HUSBAND; OF
MRS. TIM's GREAT SCHEME ; AND OF
THE DOMESTIC INFELICITIES THAT
FOLLOWED. ^^::'; - ;■; ,";/::■:';'-; --.['v;:;-::
|UT Tim's promises were
soon found to be like the
proverbial pie crust— only
made to be broken. He, poor fel-
low, was in the embrace of the So-
ciety octopus, and it required a
stronger effort of the will than he was
capable of to release himself. He
found that every office to which he
44 ,TIM AND MRS. TIM
was elected necessitated visits to
other lodges to enable him to ** pick
up " on the work, so that his lodge
should have the reputation of having
the best set of officers in the jurisdic-
tion, 'r'v".
Instead, therefore, of one night a
week, Tim was now out several
nights a week. And as if to fill Mrs.
Tim's cup of woe to the brim, Tim
became more and more fascinated
with Society work. He had recently
joined the B. B. B's (the Brave
Brotherhood of Bicyclers) ; the O. O.
O's (the Old Order of Owls) ; the S.
Y. Y's (the Society of Youthful
Yagers), not to mention others.
- As his training in Society work
had developed and strengthened his
TIM AND MRS- TIM 45
oratorical powers, he hr.d become a
ready platform and after-dinner
speaker, and was in constant de-
mand for club dinners, political gath-
erings, and other entertainments.
He had also been repeatedly pressed
to run as Mayor of his city, and he
saw himself that it was only a ques-
tion of time when he would have to
accede to such requests and make
further sacrifices for the benefits of
his fellow-citizens. '
It will thus be seen that by this
time Tim had become as famous a
** Joiner " as his friend Harry Harris,
through whose instrumentality Tim
\ had taken his first fatal plunge into
Society waters. As a natural conse-
quence there was a complete change
46 TIM AND MRS. TIM
in Tim's domestic arranq^ements.
Before he became a ** Joiner" it was
only an occasional evening that he
spent away from home. Now the
tables were completely turned, and it
was only an occasional evenino- that
he spent at home.
An impromptu verse that Mrs.
Tim heard at the opera one evening
seemed to fit Mr. Tim's case exactly.
It was sung to the tune of ** Ask of
the Man in the Moon."
I used to stay home with the wife ;
'Twas one of the pleasures of life.
Now I try,
• In fact I cry, • . »
To go nightly to lodge or the club.
If you'd like to know what the folks say
Of the men who go on in this way —
^^..__^..^^,:L:^^-,::;^i.^. I can't tell you myself,
I've a notion who can —
: vjust you ask of my wife at the house.
TIM AND MRS. TIM 47
Mrs. Tim was a patient woma i
and a loving wife ; but this continued
and continuous absence of her hus-
band was too much of a good thing.
She began to realize to her sorrow
that Tim was now little better than a
husband in name only. There was
now an almost entire absence of those
little subtleties, insignificant in them-
selves, but which, neverthless, tend
to bind husband and wife together,
and which enables them by mutual
love and forbearance to bridge in
safety the numerous hills and valleys
of trouble and sorrow that beset the
path of the vast majority of married
couples on their way through life.
It was a case, as Mrs. Tim heard
a ** woman's righter" say once, of
48 TIM AND MRS. TIM
the woman having to mother every-
thing and father it too. If Mr. Tim
had only kept his eyes open he would
have sighted danger ahead. But he,
poor, foolish fellow, was so wrapped
up in his various ocieties as to be
absolutely blind to things at home.
But other people were not blind.
Mr. Tim's actions had, in fact, be-
come common talk among the house
servants. This was most unpleas-
antly brought to Mrs. Tim's atten-
tion on one occasion. That good
lady had gone out one day, but re-
turned in a few moments for some
article that she had forgotten.
Walking quietly in at the front door
she was astonished to hear the parlor
maid singing an impromptu verse
TIM AND MRS. TIM 49
to the tune of **The Cat Came
Back.",
There was poor Mrs. Tim,
She had trouble of her own.
She'd a fool of a husband
Who wouldn't stay at home.
She tried everything she knew
To make him by her stay,
But in spite of all her efforts
He would wander away.
Yes, he'd wander away ;
Mrs. Tim didn't doubt it. ;
Tim would wander away „
At night and alone. ';
Yes, he'd wander away — ..^ '-;::*
That's all there is about it ;
He'd just wander away
'Cause he couldn't stay at home.
That settled it. That was the
final straw that broke the camel's
back, so far as Mrs. Tim was con-
cerned, ---^--■^-^-^^pi^^-i-.^^^-^.'lm^
Mrs. Tim at once came to the con-
clusion that ordinary domestic storms
50 TIM AND MRS. TIM
had no effect whatever on Tim, and
that nothing short of a few volcanic
eruptions would cause him to realise
that he was not doing his duty.
Mrs. Tim had read the story of the
Chicago girl who when asked by the
minister during the marriage cere-
mony : ** Wilt thou love, honor and
obey this man," had astonished and
scandalized the good people present
by answering in the pert Yankee
style, ^* Yes, so long as he does the
right thing by me financially." But
Mrs. Tin: was not that sort of a
woman. She wanted something
more than financial love, as it were.
She had had something more than
that in years gone by, and she de-
termined to regain it if at all possible.
TIM AND MRS. TIM 5t
She had heard of plans that had
been tried by other wives whose
husbands were inveterate lodge at-
tendants. One story that she heard
is worth repeating :
*'Now, remember/' said the wife
to the husband, as he was going out
for the evening, 'Mf you are not
home by twelve o'clock at the latest
I shall bolt the door and your latch
key will be no good, for you will find
vou will not be able to get in. If
you must go to lodge, I am deter-
mined that you shall come home at a
reasonable hour. If you won't do
that, why then you can stay away all
niyfht."
This was taking a very extreme
step, but, as the wife said to Mrs.
52 TIM AND MRS TIM
Tim, '* I am just getting desperate,
and I will do something desperate, if
my husband does not stop going out
so much to his lodges."
But the plan did not work. When
the husband came home at half-past
twelve the first night after the wife
had taken to bolting the front door,
he quietly hunted around and was
able to gain admittance by crawling
in through one of the basement win-
dows. This window had been over-
looked in the general fastening up of
the rest of the house. This was, of
course, a most undignified way of
entering ; nevertheless the husband
rather laughed to himself, after gain-
ing admittance in spite of the action
of his wife, thinking it a good illus-
TIM AND MRS- TIM 53
tration of the truth of the old adage,
that a chain is only as strong as its
weakest part. Nor did he let his
wife into the secret of how he had
o-ained admittance. But she evi-
dently suspected ; and he did not
laugh so hilariously the next night
he w^as behind the prescribed time.
He then found that every window
had been tightly bolted, and that no
amount of bell-ringing or knocking
would open the house door to him.
But he was not yet by any means
at the end of his resources. True,
he could not enter openly by the
front door ; neither could he again
craw^l in through one of the basement
windows, or climb in at one of the
windows of the first floor. But,
54 TIM AND MRS. TIM
happy thought ! Might he not be
able to effect an entrance throuoh one
of the second floor windows ? No
sooner did the idea present itself to
his fertile brain than it was forthwith
acted upon. Going to the back of
the house, he raised an eighteen-foot
ladder up to the second story. But
the iron of disappointment again
entered his soul when he found that
every window here was also securely
fastened. There was still the front
of the house to try. Determined
not to be balked he, with infinite
labor and difficulty, dragged the
heavy ladder from the back to the
front of the house and raised it to one
of the window^s. Another surprise,
however, was now to be sprung upon
TIM AND MRS. TIM 55
him. As he was half way up the
ladder and was already congratulat-
ing himself on having outwitted his
wife, he was gruffly ordered to de-
scend and give an account of himself.
Looking down, he was astonished to
see a burly policeman, evidently im-
pressed with the idea that he was
about to capture a desperate, daring
midnight burglar, standing at the
foot of the ladder. It took Mr.
Husband about half an hour, and a
plentiful sprinkling of white lies, to
explain matters, and to convince the
policeman, who happened to be a
new man on the force, that he was
only a peaceful, law-abiding citizen
and a fool of a husband — but no
burglar. Then he communed with
56 TIM AND MRS. TIM
himself and was more than ever con-
vinced that a hen-pecked husband's
lot was not a happy one.
This and similar little incidents
convinced the wife that she would
have to abandon her plan as imprac-
ticable. She saw that her husband
was of a reckless disposition. She
found out that when he did not pass
his nights in his own house, he got
into a fast set and was rapidly going
on the downward path that threat-
ened destruction to himself and
family.
Another story Mrs. Tim heard de-
cided her to adopt entirely different
methods in dealing with Mr. Tim.
Mrs. Jackson, who told this story,
was of a most decided religious turn
TIM AND MRS. TIM 57
of mind. She attended church twice
every Sunday, regularly. She would
not have missed a prayer-meeting on
a week-day for a hundred dollars.
Mr. Jackson seemed to think this
was almost too much of a good
thing. For a few years after their
marriage Mr. Jackson attended
church quite regularly. But, de-
spite Mrs. Jackson's manifest in-
terest in church matters, her husband
gradually fell from grace. He be-
came as deeply interested in society
work as his wife was in church work.
His poor wife was horrified and
greatly scandalized to find that his
lodge was becoming of more import-
ance to him than his church. He
even got into the habit of going to
58 TIM AND MRS. TIM
the lodge on Sunday afternoons to,
as he said, **get up the work with
the brethren." To a woman of Mrs.
Jackson's susceptible mind this was
simply unbearable ; and she very
soon let Mr. Jackson know what she
thought of such conduct. If it had
been Sunday-school or some other
religious gathering that he went to
on a Sunday afternoon it would be
all right. Then she would know he
was in good company. But, to go
to lodge ! Why, the idea was mon-
strous. But her numerous com-
plaints and lectures did little good.
Her husband seemed to fear her re-
proaches and upbraidings about as
much as a duck fears water. ** Hor-
rid man !" as she said to her friend.
TIM AND MRS. TIM 59
while relating the story of her
troubles. One day Mrs. Jackson
told her troubles to her rector when
he was making a ministerial call at
the house. This particular minister
evidently had more sound common
sense than a good many of his fel-
lows. Instead of telling Mrs. Jack-
son that she was doing quite right in
showing Mr. Jackson the enormity
of his offence in not attending
church, he took the opposite ground
entirely.
^* My good woman," said this emi-
nently sensible minister, *^ you must
adopt different tactics. At present
you are taking the very course to
make your husband worse instead of
better. Instead of reproaching him
60 TIM AND MRS. TIM
continually for not going to church,
try the opposite course. In fact, try
coaxing instead of nagging. For
instance, next Sunday when you are
getting ready for church, ask him
quietly to go with you. Put it to
him that he should go with you, if
only for appearance sake. Do this
morning and evening for several
Sundays. It will be strange if he is
not soon shamed into going with
you."
Mrs. Jackson disliked giving up
her complaining. What woman does
when she once begins ? At the same
time she thought she might as well
give the minister's advice a trial. At
first her husband paid but little at-
tention to her requests. But she
TIM AND MRS. TIM 6i
could see he was struck with the de-
cided change in her manner. And
the change had its effect. In a few
weeks, sure enough, Mrs. Jackson
had the pleasure of Mr. Jackson's
company to church on a Sup lay
evening. After that he seemed to
think it his duty to go to church
again quite regularly.
Mrs. Tim was one of those women
who have sense enough to profit by
the dearly bought experience of
others. She thought over these
stories. The first plan she consid-
ered too harsh ; the second, too mild.
She felt that there was an angelic
touch in Mrs. Jackson's nature that
was decidedly lacking in her own.
She therefore adopted a plan that, as
62 TIM AND MRS. TIM
she said to herself, would not fail to
bring Mr. Tim to time.
One night, or rather morning, for
it was two a. m., when Mr. Tim re-
turned home, he was somewhat sur-
prised to find that Mrs. Tim was
only taking off her outer wraps,
having apparently returned home
but a few minutes before. This was
somewhat of a surprise to Mr. Tim.
Very naturally he was not backward
in expressing his surprise.
But, as we shall see, he was still
more surprised before he was an hour
older.
**Well, madam," said Tim, some-
what sternly, ** what does this mean
— coming in at two o'clock ?"
** Why, Tim," was the reply.
TIM AND MRS. TIM 63
" What is the matter ? I am home
before you, it seems."
Now if Tim had exercised the
wisdom of the dove or the cunning
o{ the serpent, he w^ould have
laughed the matter off by saying,
" Ah, ah, then we are two of a kind,
my dear," or some such silly thing,
and then retired without further dis-
cussion. But Tim wasn't that kind
of a man. He was indignant that
his wife should be out so late.
It was all right for him to be out
till the late hours of the night, or in-
deed until the small hours of the
morning. He was a man. But that
his wife — a mere woman — should do
the same. The idea w-as not to be
tolerated for an instant.
6i IM AND MRS. TIM
** Why, bless my soul !" said Tim
to himself ; **this is something that
cannot and should not and shall not
be allowed."
He thereupon proceeded to lecture
Mrs. Tim in right good style.
^* Yes, madam," he concluded; ^* it
may be true that I am late in com-
ino- home. But that is a different
thing altogether. I have been to
lodge."
He thought that would settle the
matter at once. But it did n't.
^' Have you, indeed," said Mrs.
Tim ; **but I have equally as good
an excuse for coming home so late,
for do you know, Tim, that I can
also say, I have been to lodge."
** What ?" abruptly exclaimed Tim.
TIM AND MRS. TliVl 65
*' Yes, Tim clear," said Mrs. Tim,
adopting Tim's bantering* style of
address, ** it's true. You seem to
know so little about your home, that
you apparently have not heard that I
lately joined the A. S. R. H. (Amal-
^i^amated Society for the Reclamation
of Husbands), and have been elected
io the office of Vice-Mistress."
" Well, this is decidedly something-
new," said Tim, whistling softly to
himself. ** But, my dear," he con-
tinued, ^* isn't this society business
going to interfere somewhat with
your domestic duties ?"
''Oh, k don't know," said Mrs.
Tim, meditatively. ^* Do your so-
ciety duties interfere with your
domestic duties, Tim ?"
^6 TIM AND MRS. TIM
This was getting rather too per-
sonal, thought Tim. He escaped
answering Mrs. Tim's question by
asking another.
'* Why didn't you tell me you were
going out this evening, my dear?
It would have made me feel small,
you know, if I had met any of our
mutual friends and said you were
home, and they had come up and
found you had gone out."
'*Well, the fac. is, Tim," said
Mrs. Tim, **you didn't give me a
chance. You remember after dinner
you dressed yourself, took your hat,
and merely saying, * Well, good bye,
I am off to the lodge,' you were out
of the house soon after seven o'clock.
You did n't even say, * I hone you
TIM AND MRS. TIM 67
won't be lonely,' or * Are you going*
out this evening.' Thinking of
nothing but self, you were off to the
eternal, or as I have come to regard
it, the infernal, lodge."
'* Hello !" said Tim, surprised at
this outbreak; **why, madam, you
are learning rapidly, I must say.
By-the-way, what Society is this you
say you have joined ?"
^*0h, some of you won't like it
very much, I can tell you that," said
Mrs. Tim, more warmly than ever.
''Well, it you must know," she con-
tinued, "it is a society for married
ladies only, to give them an oppor-
tunity o( enjoying themselves while
their husbands are at lodge or pre-
tended lodge meetings. And we are
65 TIM AND MRS TIM
very conservative, too, as no woman
can join us unless her husband be-
longs to at least three societies. We
do make exceptions where the hus-
band holds oiiice in tw^o, as experi-
ence has proven that in either of
these cases the wife is simply a con-
venience, tied to her home without
opportunity for relaxation or amuse-
ment. Within our society the neg-
lected wifefind s congenial compan-
ionship, similar to that which the
husband finds at the lodge. We not
only have our business meetings, but
our little social gatherings afterwards,
just as you men do in your societies ;
and just as we hear you men have
jokes at the expense of the w^omen at
your after meetings, so we women
TIM AND MRS. TIM 69
have our little jokes at the expen^^e
of the men at our after meetings. "
*<But, my dear," broke in Tim,
''this is going too far altogether.
We allow no sneers or jokes at
women in our meetin fs, I assure
you.
" Bosh !" said Mrs. Tim, so ener-
getically that Tim hastily jumped a
few feet further back; "don't tell
me. Have n't I heard you yourself
say that a dozen average men can't
get together for five minutes but first
one and then another of them will
crack a questionable joke or tell a
still more questionable story ; and if
It were not for the saving presence of
a good man or two in the crowd,
such jokes and such stories would
70 TIM AND MRS- TIM
form the staple talk of the evening."
** Nonsense, madam," said Tim,
indignantly, or rather with pretended
indignation, as he knew that what
she said was too often but too true.
** I tell you you judge us too harshly
altogether. But suppose that what
you say is true, surely you women
are not going to copy such a dis-
graceful example."
** Now, Tim," said Mrs. Tim ;
^* you can be or pretend to be as in-
dignant as you like ; but all the
same you know the average man is
a bad lot ; and going so much to
society meetings, with their after-
dinner stories and drinking, does
not improve him. That is what I
repeat again, and you know in your
TIM AND MRS. TIM 71
inmost heart that it is true. But as
to what we women do — well, our
meetings are secret, just the same as
your men's meetings are, and there-
fore your curiosity cannot be satis-
fied. There is one fact, however,
which I can tell you. At present I
only belong to this one society, and
we meet only once a w^eek ; so that
I am not quite as bad as you, for you
are out every night to one society or
the other. And here is another fact :
I would have been elected Presiding
Mistress of our Society but for one
failure. Our offices are assigned on
the basis of the number of societies
to which each husband belongs, and
Mrs. Harris was elected Presiding
Mistress because her husband be-
72 TIM AND MRS. TIM
longs to one more society than you
do."
Now Tim had heard of other hus-
bands asserting their dignity, as they
called it, and making their wives un-
derstand that as men they could not
and would not allow their actions to
be criticized by women, even if those
women did happen to be their wives.
Tim felt that now was the supreme
moment when he, too. should assert
his dignity, and give his wife to un-
derstand once and for all time that he
was to be free to go and come just as
he liked, without this continual carp-
ing and complaining on her part.
But there was something in the
cold, calculating, yet withal business-
like manner in which Mrs. Tim
TIM AND MRS. TIM 73
looked and acted that made Tim
pause to think; and the more he
thought, the less incHned he seemed
to be to having a ** scene," as a
quarrel between man'ed people is
generally called. So he contented
himself by concentrating his remarks
into one sarcastic sentence :
** Well, well ! this beats all I ever
heard. Little did I think that my
wife would ever become one of the
New Woman brigade." This last was
said in a somewhat bantering man-
ner. But Mrs. Tim was equal to the
occasion. She saw that the volcanic
eruption had in a measure thrown
Mr. Tim on the rocks, defenceless
as it were, and she thought it just as
well to bombard him a little further.
74 TIM AND MRS- TIM
** New Woman, indeed !" she ex-
claimed resentfully. Then more
softly, ** No, thank you, Tim. I'm
quite content to be your wife — the
loving, old-fashioned sort of fifteen
years ago — if you will only have it
so. But I'm only human, and if
you refuse me the companionship of
old days, I must look for it else-
where."
And leaving Tim to digest this
scene as best he might, Mrs. Tim
retired to rest. Tim himself soon
followed her example, as between
the lodge meeting, the after-lodge
social hour, and this most distres-
sing, if not exasperating, curtain
lecture from Mrs. Tim, he was, as
he expressed it, quite fagged out.
TIM AND MRS, TIM 75
CHAPTER IV
RELATES MRS. TIM's IDEAS OF SOCIAL
HOURS AT LODGES ; HOW TIM BE-
CAME PARALYZED AT MRS. TIM's
outburst ; how tim dropped
** society" work ; and how mrs.
tim herself became a famous
** JOINER."
|UT Tim's loyalty to his
various lodges was too deep
to be uprooted by such
painful domestic scenes as herein de-
scribed, and he was soon as regular
an absentee as ever from his home.
Whereupon Mrs. Tim made ready to
give him a second surprise, as she
U TIM AND MRS. TIM
was determined to wean him from
his societies and make him realize
his duties to his wife and family.
After considering various schemes,
she determined to give Tim a further
taste of his own medicine, and to
copy his example by becoming a
*^ Joiner."
She therefore sent in her applica-
tion and was gladly accepted as a
member of various societies — the W.
W. A. (the Weeping Wives Associa-
tion), which met every Tuesday ; the
S. E. O. M. (Society for the En-
couragement of Old Maids), which
met every Wednesday ; the W. W.
C. (Whirling Wheels Club), which
met every Thursday, and the W. S.
S. C. (Women's Social Science Club),
TIM AND MRS. TIM 77
which met every Friday. She would
arrange matters at night so that, no
matter at what hour Mr. Tim might
return home, expecting no doubt to
find his wife sleeping the sleep of the
neglected, he would find Mrs. Tim
taking off her wraps, seem'ngly in
the best of humors, and informing
him that she had just returned from
a most interesting meeting of the S.
E. O. M., or one or other of the
various societies with which she was
connected.
**And Tim," she would ad4,
'* there is one feature of our meetings
which many of you men might copy
with advantage. We can do our
business and enjoy a~ social hour
afterwards without drinking liquor
7i TIM AND MRS- TIM
or smoking tobacco. Just smell
your clothes nov/ — what a horrid
stale tobacco smell you have about
you. Phew ! Why, it is so bad
that I shall have to keep the win-
dows up all to-morrow morning, to
get the air in the room fresh again.
And there is your dress suit, which
you wore at the annual supper of the
Cheerful Chappies last week. I
should say you must have lived up
to your names that night, for be-
tween beer and tobacco smells, I had
to put the whole suit out on
the clothes line and let it stay
there two days, before it was fit
to hang up again in the clothec
closet."
Thus would Mrs. Tim rattle on,
TIM AND MRS. TIM 79
hardly giving poor Tim a chance to
get a word in.
Another night, when Tim returned
home shortly after midnight, he
found his house one blaze of light.
The parlor maid, who was in the
h A\ as he came in, informed him
that the members of the W. W. A.
were holding their annual conversa-
zione. As Tim wended his way up
to his lonely chamber, he could not
help asking, What is there in a
name, anyhow?" Here were the
Weeping Wives holding high carni-
val, just as though they were the
happiest wives in the world. And
this opinion was more than ever con-
firmed when Tim had disrobed and
retired to bed— but not, alas, to
80 TIM AND MRS* TIM
sleep, as the singing, and laughter,
and jolly time generally down stairs,
disturbed his slumbers until a still
later or rather earlier hour in the
morning.
Of course, this sort of thing could
not last. One day Tim made a des-
perate resolve. He purposely staid
home that evening from an import-
ant lodge meeting, so as to talk the
matter over quietly with Mrs. Tim.
But that estimable lady did not give
him the desired opportunity, for in a
short time Mr. Tim saw her coming
down stairs, arrayed for the street
and evidently going to some meet-
ing. Tim thought this was simply
outrageous, considering that he was
actually going to stay home himself
TIM AND MRS- TIM 8J
for the evening. Throwing his
calmness to the winds, he very soon
made Mrs. Tim know what he
thought of such conduct.
*^ And, madam," said he, in con-
clusion; ''this thing has got to
stop. You must stay at home in-
stead of going to so many meetings.
It is disgraceful to think of your
coming home so late at night without
an escort."
But this outbreak of temper on
Tim's part did not seem to discon-
cert Mrs. Tim in the least.
'* Well, Tim," she said, smilingly ;
you can call around and escort me
home, if you will kindly do so ;.
though from what I hear, we think
the wives can be trusted to come
B2 TIM AND MRS. TIM
home a good deal straighter than
their husbands."
*'Tut, tut! madam," said Tim;
** that is simply another of your
nasty insinuations and ridiculous no-
tions."
*' Is it, indeed ?" queried Mrs.
Tim. '' Let me tell you, Tim," she
continued, '' that the members of the
A. S. R. H. have received a report
from a sub-investigating committee,
and some of the things they have
found out ought to make you blush.
Some of them are too horrid even to
discuss ; but there will surely be an
earthquake in more than one home
very soon unless the men behave
better. We are going in strongly
for an equal standard of morality for
TIM AND MRS- TIM
the sexes ; and one of the first re-
forms we have determined on is that
the married men shall no longer be
among the best patrons of the loose
women of the town. They have
been warned, sr let them beware.
You men have had a good long in-
nings. For centuries, woman was
but the uncomplaining victim of
man's lust— a toy to be played with
and cast aside when no longer de-
sired. Although woman's position
is now better, it is certain that every
step in the advancement of woman
has been secured, not with man's
acquiescence, but through woman's
persistency. Hitherto man has set
the standard of morality. It is time
that woman had her turn in doing
If
84 TIM AND MRS* TIM
this. What's that ? You think that
would be going from bad to worse ;
that the world would be worse if
women run it, than it is now when
men run it ? Of course that's just
like you men. You set a standard
for yourself, without giving a thought
to its effect upon the woman. A man
may be a drunkard or a sensual
brute ; and men will still receive him ,
as one of themselves. But the
woman who is a drunkard or the
woman who is betrayed, is an out-
cast from society. What's that ?
You dare to say that this is largely
woman's fault ; that the women are
harsher on unfortunate and fallen
women than the men are on unfortu-
nate or sensual men ? Shame on
TIM AND MRS- TIM 85
you, Tim ! You well know there
are physical and psychological rea-
sons why women who disgrace them-
seWes through drink, or who depart
from the path of virtue, must be os-
tracized. What we demand is that
the same treatment shall be meted
out to men who act similarly. And
we shall get what we want in time.
It will be a hard, bitter fight; but
what care we for that. We are
already showings you in more ways
than one that woman is the equal if
not the superior of man in evei-y way.
Woman is more adapted for business
than man is. Too many of you men
think that woman is only fit to stay
at home and nurse the babies. But
we are showing you that this is not
U TIM AND MRS. TIM
so. Women are supplanting men in
every walk of life. Of course you
will say that is all the worse for the
world and for women ; and that
women are only doing this because
they will work for less then men. I
know you, sir ! But instead of being
the worse for the world and for
women, we think it will be better.
If the men have to turn in and be-
come the domestic drudges, too often
the mere slaves, that women are at
home to-day, the men will see that
there is not quite so much work to
do or so many babies for the slaves
to mind. As to women working for
less than men, there may be a little
truth in that; but even this will be
remedied in time. Women are not
TIM AND MRS- TIM 87
preferred to men solely because they
are cheaper ; but because they are
steadier and more reliable. Women,,
as a rule, don't want to be tippling
and gambling at cards or at the
race-track. In time, the remunera-
tion of women will be raised to an
equality with that of men.
*' How are men going to marry,,
you ask, if women capture all the
best positions ?
^* Pshaw! that is a played-out
proposition. If the men can't marry,
the women can. Then the women will
be able to have a little to say as to
what man they will or will not have ;
and that is more than a good many of
them have to-day. Now they are
only too eager to snap up the first
88 TIM AND MRS. TIM
man who offers himself, though too
frequently they know he will probably
make them miserable instead of happy
through life's journey. How many
thousands of the women of the lower
classes have to keep the men now ?
I tell you I absolutely shudder, nay,
I cry out in impotent rage, when I
contemplate the miseries, the trials,
the cruelties, which women with
drunken husbands have to endure.
Tiieir lords and masters must be kept
in liquor and tobacco. They must be
allowed to loaf around the street cor-
ners and attend political gatherings
under the thumbs of ward heelers,
who throw them a dollar or two at
election times, just as they would
throw a bone to a dog. That
TIM AND MRS. TIM 89
is not rig-ht, you say. Of course
it is not, and we are determined
to stop it. If the women con-
tinue to be smarter than the men,
why man must come down from the
position of authority that he has
usurped for so long, and woman
must take his place as the best man
of the two. She is often that now,
and you cannot deny it either.
*' How are we going to bring all
these changes about, you ask, unless
we have women in parliament ?
'^ Why that is just what we intend
to have before very long. The
records of the proceedings at women's
conventions prove conclusively that
women are far better able to control
public assemblies than men are. The
90 TIM AND MRS- TIM
time that is wasted in all the great
deliberate and governing bodies of
the civijized world, is something
awful to contemplate. The mountain
labors and brings forth a mouse, as
the old proverb has it. Days and
weeks arc frequently spent in parlia-
ment and in congress discussing
some matter of only ordinary im-
portance, but which the politicians
magnify into something o( the ut-
most national import. Finally, the
matter is passed into law in the form
of a statute^ and straightway the
lawyers fatten at the expense of the
public who attempt to take advan-
tage of the law. The law-advisers
of the crown or of congress, who
actually drew up the statute which is
TIM AND MRS. TIM 91
passed into law, have drawn it up in
such a way as to purposely leave
some points open to dispute. In
fact it has passed into a proverb that
laws made by lawyers are made, not
for the benefit of the public gener-
ally, but for the benefit of the law-
yers particularly. And look at your
man-made laws with regard to
property and human rights. Every-
where throughout the civilized world
magistrates have fallen into the habit
of regarding property as of much
more value and deserving of much
greater consideration than when a
mere human being is concerned. In
Germany, Vvomen can be seen work-
ing in the fields or drawing bricks
and mortar for buildings, while their
92 TIM AND MRS. TIM
lords and masters stand and look on,
directing them in their work, and
cahnly and contentedly smoking their
pipes. In England the treatment
accorded to women is notorious, and
a disgrace to the nation. Almost
every day one can find records of vio-
lent assaults on wives by drunken and
brutal husbands, who are allowed off
on payment of a fine ; while vagrants
found committing the terrible offence
of sleeping out in a field or under
the shelter of a doorway, are sent to
prison for six months or more, with-
out the option of a fine. Yes, I tell
you, Tim, it is time the women had
a hand in the making of the laws
and in the appointing of the magis-
trates. There would then be more
TIM AND MRS. TIM 93
justice administered than there is at
present. Factory acts, license laws,
and other laws would then be more
honestly and impartially administered
than they are to-day. Don't you
dare laugh at me, sir ! You are not
laughing, you say. Well, it looked
very much like it, that is all I can
say. And now that you have got
me started on the wrongs and rights
of women — well, if I didn't know that
the members of the S. E. O. M. were
waiting for me to open their annual
convention at the Y. W. C. T. U.
hall, I don't know but that I would
talk to you all night."
** Kind heaven be than.ked for Old
Maids," said Tim to himself; **if
a meeting for their encouragement
94 TIM AND MRS. TIM
is to be the means of spari nor
me the infliction of an all nii^-ht
lecture on Woman's Rights ! "
But Mrs. Tim was not yet quite
through. Although she had discov-
ered that she was already twent}'
minutes late for the meeting in ques-
tion, she had to give Tim one part-
ing shot before leaving the house.
**And here is another fact I want to
tell you, although I do not suppose
you are ignorant of it. The other day
a member of our society saw six kegs
of lager, sixteen dozen bottles of ale,
and three cases of what looked like
* House of Commons Scotch,' or
* Walker's Club' whisky, carried into
the hall \vhere you meet. I remem-
bered afterwards that you attended a
TIM AND MRS. TIM 95
meeting- of the Select Few that night
and that you came home about t\\ o
o'clock the next morning. Why, it
was a wonder surely that you were
able to find your w^ay home at all.
Nor can you be surprised at the
wives being determined to put a stop
to such carousing."
This onslaught of Mrs. Tim's
brought vividly to Tim's mind the
truch of Shakespeare's lines :
Have I not in a pitched battle heard
Loud 'larums, neighing steeds, and trum-
pets' clang ?
And do you tell me of a woman's tongue ?
Of course Tim had to repeat these
lines to Mrs. Tim, with the remark
that they were evidently as true to-
day as they were a few hundred years
96 TIM AND MRS. TIM
Not to be undone, Mrs. Tim re-
torted with an original couplet :
Tfm 's happy—his laugh has quite a sweet
ripple —
When his lodge night comes, for then he can
tipple.
And thus the merry domestic war
went on.
** You women," said Tim, finally,
''had better confine your efforts in
the proper direction. I tell you,
most emphatically, that I will not
brook further interference from you
in this matter."
Then, as he floundered around for
some convincing- point to clinch his
argument, a sudden thought struck
him, and he added :
** Remember, madam that on
TIM AND MRS. TIM 97
your wedding day you promised to
obey your husband."
But Mrs. Tim was equal to the
emergency.
*' And what did Tim promise on
his Avedding day ?" she asked. '' I
don't forget, if you do, Tim. Here
are the words : * Wilt thou have this
woman to thy wedded wife? . . . Wilt
thou love her, comfort her, honor,
and keep her in sickness and in
health ; and, forsaking all other,
keep thee only unto her, so long as
ye both shall live ? '
** Ah, yes, Tim," she continued ;
**I fancy I can again see the dear
old minister standing before us and
repeating again that solemn and
beautiful wedding" service. And not
93 TIM AND MRS. TIM
•only did my husband make this
promise on his wedding day, but he
kept his promise for years. Never
-was a happier wife than I was.
Never a wife so proud of her hus-
band. And it is only since you have
joined the societies, and gone almost
society crazy, that you have forgot-
ten your marriage vow and neglected
your wife. Not that I have so much
cause to complain as many another
poor neglected, down-trodden v.ife.
You are Q-ood as i^old to me in times
of sickness, but I want you to be so
in time of health as well. Throw
over your societies, Tim, and be
again the loving husband you once
were."
To say that this outburst para-
TIM AND MRS. TIM 9?
Ivzed Tim would be to put the
case quite moderately. If there
was one thing more than another
that he disliked, it was these now
frequently recurring curtain lec-
tures. Still, he was man enough to
acknowledge to himself that, after
all, his wife really had some cause
for complaint ; that it was not just
exactly right, to put it mildly, for
him to leave his home night after
night, to attend some society or go
to^the club. And he quietly decided
to stop taking an active part in soci-
ety work, and to visit the club less
frequently. This idea he carried out
as soon as practicable. In a few
months he had come to be quite
home-bird again.
JOO TIM AND MRS- TIM
He w;\s, however, more than as-
tonished to find that this action on
his part was not regarded with the
feelings of gratitude on the part of
his wife that he considered it should
have received. Man-like, being one
of *the lords o' the creation,' as Burns
puts it, he looked on his action as a
great sacrifice. He expected nothing
more nor less than that Mrs. Tim
would go into ecstacies over it. But
to his amazement Mrs. Tim did not
seem to notice it at all. Nay, to
make matters worse, she continued
to attend her own numerous society
meetings with the utmost regularity.
This w^as turning the tables on Tim
with a vengeance. He, poor fellow,
was now left to discover what it was
TIM AND MRS. TIM m
to spend night after night in lonely
blessedness.
The fact was that Mrs. Tim had
herself unconsciously imbibed the
<* society" fever. Just as Tim
was tearing himself away from
active participation in society af-
fairs, Mrs. Tim was entering
more and more into active work
in every society to which she be-
longed. Indeed, not content with
this, she about this time joined the S.
S. S's (Society for the Suppression of
Smokers), and sixteen other church,
national or benevolent societies or
institutions. Local meetings of
these societies took up quite a little
time. To make matters worse,
conventions or annual meetings of
102 TIM AND MRS. TIM
one or other of them were constantly
taking Mrs. Tim to various cities,
anywhere from fifty to fifteen hun-
dred miles away from home, necessi-
tating an absence each time of from
two days to six weeks.
Tim was philosopher enough to
recognize the avenging hand o(
Nemesis in all this. He felt that the
gaunt specter of Retributive Justice
was after him with a vengeance. He
therefore adopted the very wise policy
of saying little, but that did not pre-
vent him thinking a good deal.
The result of his thinking was
that he decided to bring matters to a
head, no matter what the result
might be.
TIM AND MRS. TIM toa
CHAPTER V
HOW TIM PREPARED A DOMESTIC
EARTHQUAKE ; HOW THE EARTH-^
QUAKE FINALLY CAME ; AND THE.
RESULT THEREOF.
FEW short months befo-e^
it was Mrs. Tim who had
decided that nothino* but a.
few domestic cyclonic disturbances
would bring Mr. Tim to his senses.
Now, it was Mr. Tim who had ar-
rived at the conclusion that a domes-
tic earthquake would be necessary to^
cause Mrs. Tim to return to the
ordinary avocations of a faithful wife
and a loving mother.
i04 TIM AND MRS. TIM
But Tim was evidently not the
only person who was of the opinion
that some drastic measure was neces-
sary to tear Mrs. Tim from the
course on which she had entered.
Tim's earthquake came, but in a
most unexpected and unlooked-for
manner.
Hesiod, the celebrated Greek poet,
who flourished seven hundred years
before the Christian era, tells us of
Aerial spirits, by great Jove design'd
To be on earth the guardians of mankind ;
Invisible to mortal eyes they go,
And mark our actions, good or bad, below ;
The immortal spies with watchful care pre-
side.
And thrice ten thousand round their charges
glide ;
They can reward with glory or with gold,
A power they by Divine permission hold.
A similar idea is held even to-
TIM AND MRS. TIM JOS
day. Many people believe that every
person has his or her guardian angel.
This angel watches over us, keeps
us out of temptation, if possible; and,
when necessary, gives us a more or
less gentle hint in the way of a re-
minder when we stray from the
straight path of duty.
Mrs. Tim's guardian angel evi-
dently thought it was time to give her
a hint that she had strayed from the
straight path of duty. In this case,
the angel, curiously enough, agreed
with Tim that the lesson must be a
severe one, to be of any real practical
use.
Tim, no doubt, would have taken
measures entirely ineffectual to ac-
complish the needed reformation.
106 TIM AND MRS. TIM
He might have turned the tables on
Mrs. Tim, and taken to curtain lec-
tures, a la Caudle. If that proved
ineffectual, as most likely it would,
he might have adopted others
of Mrs. Tim's schemes. He might
have locked the front door, the back
door, and every door in the house, as
well as every window upstairs and
down. But a woman's wit is equal
if not superior to a man's in every
circumstance oi life ; and Mrs. Tim
would undoubtedly have circumvent-
ed Mr. Tim in any plan he could
have taken to bring her to a realiza-
tion of her duty. Therefore, it was
absolutely necessary that the guar-
dian angel should take a hand in the
game.
TIM AND MRS* TIM 107
This decision on tiie part o( the
angel completely upset Mr. Tim's
plans. Moreover, the lesson was
much more drastic than Tim had
either anticipated or desired.
Tim was to experience the truth of
the saying that man is not the
arbiter of his own destiny. Mrs. Tim
was to be warned, but Mr. Tim was
not consulted as to when or in what
manner the warning should be given.
Such warnini^s are sometimes
given directly, sometimes indirectly.
Mrs. Tim's warning was to come to
her indirectly. Many a person re-
ceives a similar warning — too many
take little or no notice of it. They
think because the warning is given
indirectly, because they do not suffer
108 * TIM AND MRS. TIM
directly, that the warning cannot be
for them. On the other hand, sv^me
people are undoubtedly more affect-
ed if the warning comes in the shape
of danger to a loved one, than if
they themselves suffered directly.
Perhaps Mrs. Tim's guardian angel
thought she was a person of this de-
scription. However that may be,
the angel's warning came in the na-
ture of a most serious illness to her
youngest child Violet, a sweet little
cherub, five years of age.
Little Violet, being the baby, was
a great pet with all, but more espec-
ially with her mother, up to the time
when Mrs. Tim had developed most
pronounced symptoms of the ^* Join-
er" fever. Since that time poor
TIM AND MRS. TIM J09
Violet had been more or less neglect-
ed. It could not be expected that
Mrs. Tim would think of neglecting
her society duties for the sake of at-
tending as much as usual to her
family duties. Perish the thought !
Besides, was not Mr. Tim at home
now to attend to family matters?
Certainly. Then why should she
trouble about them? Therefore,
Mrs. Tim now rivalled Mr. Tim's
late faithful attendance on lodge
meetings. The word *' moderation'*
was still in their dictionary. '' Tem-
perance in ail things" was also a
capital phrase. It sounded well.
And Mrs. Tim took good care to re-
quire both moderation and temper-
ance in the lodge room and at soci.-^
itO TIM AND MRS. TIM
ety meeting's. If any unfortunate
** sister" was tempted to become too
verbose and to wander from the sub-
ject in hand while debating, Mrs. Tim
would bring her sharply to time with
the remark that only speeches of
moderate length would be tolerated.
If another ** sister" would indulge
in unparliamentary language, as both
men and women will sometimes do
in the heat of debate, Mrs. Tim
would throw oil on the troubled
waters by intimating that ** Sister
Plain Speaker should remember that
temperance in all things is desirable,
and nowhere more so than while
speaking." But so far as her attend-
ance on lodges and societies was
concerned, poor Tim could see nei-
TIM AND MRS. TIM »»
ther moderation nor temperance.
But just as Mrs. Tim began to
<rive the care of her child over more
and more to the nurse, Tim began to
take a greater interest in his sweet
little girl, as ho called her. Night
after night, when they were left
alone by Mrs. Tim, he began to re-
alize that that lady, in days gone
by, liad indeed good cause to com-
plain of his continual attendance
on lodges. He could not, of course,
leave the house while Mrs. Tim was
out. So he had little to do but read
and think and nurse his schemes of
vengeance. But the more he consi-
dered his grievances, and then re-
membered that Mrs. Tim had had
exactly the same lonely hours to
U2 TIM AND MRS* TIM
pass, and exactly the same grievance
against him — well, being a fair-mind-
ed man, his desire for vengeance be-
gan gradually to fade away. In time
he became of the opinion that he de-
served all he was getting — that, in
fact, Mrs. Tim did not deserve any
punishment.
But Tim was not the only person
Mrs. Tim had to reckon with. Her
guardian angel had been taking notes
of her case* The time had come to
sound a warning — a warning, more-
over, that should not be for Mrs.
Tim alone, but for Mr. Tim as well.
Tim, it was true, now had an idea of
what moderation and temperance
really meant. But he had not al-
ways had that idea. His lack of
TIM AND MRS. TIM 113
knowledge in this respect had caused
Mrs. Tim many weary, weary hours
of anxiety. In fact, it was primarily
the cause of Mrs. Tim's straying
from the path of duty, as she had
done. Mr. Tim should be punished
as well as Mrs. Tim. If anything,
indeed, he deserved it more.
One evening, when Tim returned
from the office, he wvas greeted by
the nurse with the unpleasant news
that little Violet had been ill all day.
The nurse added that she thought
the symptoms were decidedly unfav-
orable. This was bad news for Tim.
He knew that his wife had left the
house with her wheel early in the
morning, before he had left for the
office, to take a ** century" spin with
3?4 TIM AND MRS. TIM
some other equally as enthusiastic
members of the W. W. C. Her re-
turn a few moments after Tim's ar-
rival home, did not tend to sweeten
his temper. On the contrary, he
embraced the opportunity of callinq*
Mrs. Tim's attention to the manner
in which she was neglecting her
duties as a mother. But Mrs. Tim
was not in the humor to take any of
his impudence. She was altogether
too happy after having accomplished
a ** century" run.
^^ Oi course," she said; *Mt is
really too bad that Violet had to be
taken ill just because I happened to
be away for the day. But, oh !
Tim," she continued, fairly efferves-
cing in her excitable happiness ;
TIM AND MRS. TIM 115
♦* we had just a lovely run ! Only
two out of the six of us that started
were able to fmish the * century' on
our wheels. The other four had
more or less interesting experi-
ences. One of them had a bad tum-
ble, and had the fork of her bicycle
broken. Another had the misfortune
to have the tube of her front wheel
blow out ; while the other two, after
doino- the first fiftv miles, were so
tired out, that they had to come
back on the trolley."
On account of Violet's alarming
condition, Tim was much disgusted
at this exhibition of liveliness on his
wife's part.
** I think, madam," he said, ''in
view of your daughter's condition,
11 6 TIM AND MRS- TIM
you might forego these no doubt to
you most mteresting reminiscences
of your run."
**Well, Tim," said Mrs. Tim;
" I 'm sure you need not be so cross
and crabbed. Many a time I have
had to bear the brunt of looking
after the children when they have
been indisposed, while you were en-
joying yourself at lodge, and would
not come home till one or two o'clock
in the morning ; and then you would
be so tired and cross, either from
lodge work, or from lodge work, smoke
and drink combined, as to be only
too glad to retire with a mere expres-
sion of your hope that the sick child
would be better in the morning.
** Yes, Tim," she continued, warm-
TIM AND MRS. TIM 117
ing up as she proceeded ; '' we have
heard a good deal lately of the ' cur-
few' bell, to keep children off the
streets at nights. But I tell you the
next move of the women's societies
will be to have a curfew bell law for
keeping men off the streets at nights.
The older men need such a law just
as much as the younger men. Hus-
bands have no right to be away from
home night after night ; and if they
won't stay home through the exer-
cise of their own common sense of
right and the pleadings of their wives,
we shall have to make them do so
through the passing of a law. You
may laugh, sir, if you like ; but we
mean * business,' as you will find out
before very long.
/
\.
118 TIM AND MRS TIM
'*Alas," said Tim to himself;
** how one's misdeeds in the past are
continually being brought before
them as time goes on. I have often
heard the text, * Cast thy bread upon
the waters ; for thou shalt find it
after many days.' I am now more
than ever convinced that the deeds,
whether of good or evil, that we cast
upon the waters, return to us after
many days."
What, indeed, could Tim say to
his wife? As she had said, many
and many a night he had left her
alone, with the full care of the house
upon her shoulders. With the
Oriental, he could only say ** Kis-
met" — It is fate.
In the meantime the uurse bad
TIM AND MRS. TIM 119
been despatched for the doctor.
When the doctor came, he agreed
that the nurse's opinion was only too
well founded ; that the child seemed
to be on the verge of an attack of
fever.
This was most distressing- news to
Mrs. Tim. That gcjd lady had ar-
ranged to leave on the midnight
train the very next evening for the
City of Equality, where the annual
convention of the S. S. S's was to be
held. At this convention some most
important alterations in the constitu--
tion were likely to be made at the
suggestion of Mrs. Tim. She there-
fore followed the doctor down stairs
and interviewed him before his de-
parture. She explained how she had
120 TIM AND MRS, TIM
planned to leave on the midnight
train next evening, and that it was
the more i.iiportant for her to be
present, as there was going to be op-
position to the proposed amend-
ments.
It so happened that the doctor
was a rather gruff gentleman ; one
of the old school, who believed in
moderation and temperance ; who
could enjoy his pipe after a hard
day's siege of visiting among the
many varieties of patients that such
dear old fellows have. He listened
quietly to all that Mrs. Tim had to
say. When she pressed him for an
opinion as to whether it w^ould be
advisable for her to go or stay, he was
not at all diplomatic in his answer.
TIM AND MRS. TIM t2\
^*Well, madam/he said; ''I do
not pretend to dictate to you. You
know your own business best. But
if it was my child that was ill in bed,
as Violet is, and if it was my wife
who was asking me if she could
leave her at such a time, to at-
tend a convention of the kind
you have described, I should most
emphatically say * No ! Let your
convention go. Throw your am-
endments to the four winds of
heaven, and stay home and mind
your child ! ' "
But Mrs. Tim knew the old doc-
tor. Moreover, she was bent on
going to that convention, Oi she
would know the reason why. bne
laughingly recalled Richter's saying:
t22 TIM AND MRS. TIM
*' A woman is the most inconsistent
compound of obstinacy and self-sac-
rifice that I am acquainted with." She
proceeded to give the doctor an illus-
lustration of the truth of Lessing's
couplet :
m^^ hntf tin ^cibcrkopf txUchi, ^a& er
llicht z\x bcedtoncn tousste ?
What could a woman's head contrive,
Which it would not know how to excuse ?
Therefore, instead of bidding the doc-
tor farewell, she began to coax him.
*<But doctor," she said; *Mt is
really most important that I should
o-o to this convention. Some of the
other delegates who have supported
me in the past will be more than dis-
appointed if I am not present.
TIM AND MRS- TIM i2Z
Don't you think now, doctor, that I
might go, if we hire a trained nurse
to attend on Violet ? As you said a
few moments ago, you hardly know
yourself yet whether her illness will
assume a serious form or not. Per-
haps it will pass off ; and I should
certainly be home again before the
symptoms can assume a serious na-
ture. Come now, doctor, I will
leave it to you to get the best trained
nurse you can secure, and I can go,
can't 1 ? "
When cornered in this way by an
old and valued patient, and one for
whom personally he had a great regard
(although he swore softly under his
breath at her infatuation with society
work), the doctor could only say
124 TIM AND MRS- TIM
that he would get the best nurse
available, and that between them
they would do the best they could
with their patient.
Tim was furious when Mrs. Tim
informed him a little later on, that
she had decided that the convention
was too important for her to miss ;
and that she had arranged with the
doctor to secure a professional nurse
until her return home.
** How can you think of such a
thing for a moment, madam ?" he
said; **you, a wife and mother,
leaving home at such a moment ?
Why, the idea is outrageous ; nay,
indecent. If I had read of such a
thing in a novel, I should have
treated the idea with scorn and con-
TIM AND MRS. TIM 125
tempt ; and now here is my own wife
actually proposing it herself. Why,
I can not bring myself to think that
you are in earnest."
But Mrs. Tim was most decidedly
in earnest. Mr. Tim came to be-
lieve so himself when he found that
his appeals for her to stay were of no
avail. As the appointed train time
approached, Mrs. Tim departed in
the carriage for the station. Let us
leave the convention, with Mrs.
Tim's amendments, and return to
Tim and his troubles. p
Little Violet's illness developed
much quicker than was anticipated.
Within a few days of Mrs. Tim's de-
parture, the child's symptoms had
assumed a most decided turn for the
{26 TIM AND MRS. TIM
worse ; although the doctor did not
yet despair of a favorable result and
of the ultimate recovery of the
patient.
But despite the care and attention
which the little patient received, she
gradually grew weaker ; until one
day the doctor said to Tim : ** Tele-
graph for your wife to come home at
once, if she wants to see her little
girl before she dies."
This was heart-rending news to
Tim. Of course he sent the telegram
at ouce, nor could he help adding a
few words showing the bitterness in
his heart that such a thing should
have happened. But Mrs. Tim was
sufficiently punished without Tim's
words to add to her grief. It so
TIM AND MRS. TIM U7
happened that she received the tele-
gram in the morning, but there was
no train leaving till night ; nor
could she reach home till the second
day following. Ah ! what was her
grief when she thought w hat might
happen in those three days ! Per-
haps her sweet little girl, her own
little darling, might be dead before
she could reach her bedside. Why
had she not stayed at home to nurse
her, instead of leaving her entirely
to the care of hired nurses? It
was an express train on which she
travelled home ; but how slow it
seemed to go ! Every moment was
an hour to the now anxious and sor-
rowing mother ; and at intervals she
vowed that if her little girl w^as only
128 TIM AND MRS. TIM
spared, she would give up her soci-
eties and be the wife and mother of
olden days.
In the meantime little Violet's ill-
ness continued to assume a more
serious character. The night before
the arrival oi the mother, the doctor
had given up all hopes. The only
consolation he could give to the
heart-broken father was, that if she
lived past the midnight hour, she
would undoubtedly recover.
There was an anxious group hov-
ering in the vicinity of the sick-room
that !iight. Poor Tim was there,
and the doctor, and the nurse, con-
stantly w^atching the little sufferer as
she lay hovering between life and
death. Telegrams from his wife ap-
TIM AND MRS. TIM 129
prised Tim that she was speediug"
home as fast as the train could carry
her, and would arrive by the first
train the following* morning.
Midnight at length arrived, and
the doctor had tip-toed from the sick-
room to whisper to poor Tim that
there was no change for the better to
report. He could not bring himself
to tell the poor father that, so far as
he could see, there was absolutely no
hope — that there seemed no life left
in the weak frame of the little pa-
tient. All that he could do was to
give it as his professional opinion
that the fever had undoubtedly spent
itself, and that although he could
hold out but little hope of recovery,
still while there was life there was
t30 TIM AND MRS. TIM
hope. In fact, that if the child lived
till the morning, she would undoubt-
edly recover. This was poor conso-
lation, indeed ; but just as a drown-
ing person will catch at a straw, so
Tim lived on this ray of hope. Deep
and heartfelt, therefore, was his joy,
when about four o'clock in the morn-
ing the doctor came again and re-
ported that the child was indeed
alive, was then enjoying a calm
sleep, that the danger was passed,
and that there was every probability
that she would soon be restored
again to health and strength.
The telegrams from his wife had
advised Tim that she was in a most
desperate state of grief at the unex-
pected and serious turn that their
TIM AND MRS- TIM J3I
daughter's illness had assumed. All
his anger having evaporated in his
joy over his daughter's recovery,
Tim took the very sensible course of
going to the station to meet the
train, so that he himself might be
the first to greet his wife with the
good news of Violet's escape from
the hands of the grim reaper Death.
We will draw a veil over the meet-
ing of husband and wife, and of the
events that followed. Suffice it to
say that Mrs. Tim was in such an
hysterical state, that it was three
days before the doctor would give
permission for her to be admitted to
the sick-room. Nothing, he said,
would do the sick child more harm
than to be unduly excited, as would
532 TIM AND MRS- TIM
be the case if her mother was allowed
to see her until she herself had some-
what recovered from the condition
into which she had worked herself
since the receipt of the telegframs
announcing Violet's danger.
It was weeks before little Violet
had thoroughly recovered from her
illness. She had, indeed, as the
doctor said, passed through the A^al-
ley of the shadow of death. During
her long term uf convalescence it is
hardly necessary to say that neither
husband or wife gave a thought to
society affairs. The interference of
the guardian angel had its effect.
The lesson was appreciated by both
husband and wife.
The ultimate result of their expe-
TIM AND MRS. TIM U3
riences was the very sensible agree-
ment that, in the future, home duties
should have the first call upon their
time and attention. This agreement
did not necessitate their becoming
recluses. They had merely to do what
every person might well do — exercise
discretion in the apportionment of
their time between prayer, praise,
work, recreation and sleep.
,,j^h^ •*
t34 TIM AND MRS. TIM
CHAPTER VI
HOW TIM, IN EXPRESSIVE VERSE, COM-
MEMORATED THE RETURN OF WHITE-
WINGED PEACE TO HIS DOMICILE.
lEARS later, while sorting
some old papers in his
desk, Tim came across the
following lines. He remembered
that he had written them at the time
when he and his wife had many a
domestic ** scene," and when each
gave the other many a good ** curtain
lecture" over his or her fascination for
societies and society work :
TIM AND MRS. TIM 135
I've a story to tell —
I'll tell it in rhyme —
Tm sure if you read it,
You'll not miss the time.
It's all about Tim and
His sweet little wife ;
And the troubles they had on
Their journey through life.
I must premise for your information,
That early in life Tim made affirmation,
He'd never touch liquor in all his life.
(He still kept this pledge when he took a wife.)
But, alas for Tim ; alas for his bride !
Before very long he was sorely tried.
He joined a lodge, and after the meeting,
The • boys ' would drink to the toast : " Here's
greeting ! "
Tim would not join with these drinkers at first ;
Some of them drank so, he thought they
would burst.
But *' Evil commun'cations corrupt good
manners." ^
In time he ranged himself 'neath their banners.
J36 TIM AND MRS, TIM
This was quite bad enough ; but to make
things worse,
He join'd six other lodges — and that prov'd a
curse.
In every lodge, after " working," they'd
smoke,
And heart'ly laugh at some ' chestnutty ' joke.
Others again to the bar-room would roam —
There they'd spend hours, when they ought
to be home.
Tim soon became one of the worst of the
gang.
After *' working, '' he smok'd, laugh'd, drank
and sang.
The worst of it was, 'twould often be four,
Ere he arrived at the front of his door.
Such conduct as this was not to be borne :
No wonder his wife look'd sad and forlorn.
She reasoned and argued.
And she argued and reasoned ;
But our Tim by this time.
Was so thoroughly seasoned,
That he turned a deaf ear
To his wife's lamentations.
TIM AND MRS. TIM J37
And paid no attention
To her vociferations.
In self-defense, his wife at last
Resorted to a scheme.
Some of her friends— they thought it good ;
And some— they thought it mean.
Her scheme was simple in its way : v
She'd copy Tim's example, * *
And join a few societies — . v
Perhaps fourteen would be ample !
Then Tim could stay home every night,
While she went out to lodge.
If he objected, she'd take means
To see he didn't dodge !
And as if 'twas her intention
To draw Tim on to fight ;
In the day time she went * biking,'
To lodge she went at night.
'^ii,.-^ ■^ «**»*i.* ■»". %,, ,
One day, however, Tim resolved
lo start a revolution. ^
For their present mode of life, there
Should be a substitution.
J38 TIM AND MRS. TIM
Without further loss of time, then^
He determined to tempt fate.
With his wife that night he had a
Conversation tete-a-tete.
TIM —
I really think, my dearest wife.
We had better have a talk.
(If the house is close and stuffy,
We can take a little walk.)
It certainly will better be,
To know just where we stand :
If we keep on as we're going,
Our noise will beat the band.
MRS. TIM —
If you mean thatjw/ make all the noise^
You'd say just what was right ;
For lately, much to my vexation,
I've had no time to fight.
IVe been too busy with the ' sisters,'
A laying down the law.
Now I've neither time nor inclination
To listen to your 'jaw.'
TIM AND MRS, TIM i^9
TIM —
You're assuredly mc st impudent,
To talk that way to me.
I wish you to understand, madam,
I'm your husband -do you see?
And if you will, I'd have you listen-
Twill not take very long-
To an improvised verse I heard,
Of a well-known topical song.
I don't mind wifey going to lodge
Two or three nights a week.
Perhaps she thinks that is the way
True happiness to seek.
If it pleases her, I'm satisfied—
I've nothing more to say.
She can go on Monday, Tuesday,
And even on Thursday.
It's very certain she must be
Delighted with the ' work ; '
For when I see her home again.
She's happy as a Turk.
But when she wants to go to lodge
Three other nights each week—
i draw the line at that, and say
A remedy I'll seek.
J40 TIM AND MRS. TIM
MRS. TIM —
Ah ! Ah ! that's very good, my dear ;
But you're not as smart as you look.
You foolish man, you ought to know,
I can read you just like a book !
You're quite indignant at your wife —
You'd have us all think so, at least.
Now that may be so,
But this also I know —
It's time that this raillery ceased.
MR. TIM —
I protest —
MRS. TIM —
I defy you, sir !
MR. TIM —
I refuse to be ignored.
(Sotto voce) I must try and think of something
That will some relief afford.
(Aloud) I warn you, madam, and I trust
This caution will have effect.
'Twill be perilous work for you, if
My advances you reject.
TIM AND MRS. TIM t4t
MRS. TIM —
I'm sorry to see that your mem'ry mu .t
Be getting very poor.
Or you wouldn't forget it's not so long,
Since 'twas I who had the floor ;
And begged of you, aye, on my bended
knees,
At home with me to stay.
But your lodge was your life-it seemed as if
You could not stay away.
Now >'^« have the floor, and can weep and
wail,
And threaten too, 1 see.
Tim, I hear some friends in the drawing room,
Perhaps they'll stay to tea.
So I'll leave you now ; but, before I go,
I simply wish to say,
Your threats won't have much effect upon me.
'Gainst them I'm proof. Good-day !
Tim said to himself, - It seems to me,
We're not much progress making. 7
Can it possibly be— now let me see-
That I'm not the right course taking ?
J42 TIM AND MRS. TIM
*Tis true, as she said, once on a time,
'Twas she who had the floor,
And instead of paying attention to her,
I walk'd right out of the door.
So atter all, perhaps its really
A sort of retribution ;
Which is only natural, seeing that I
Believe in evolution.
Now when Mrs. Tim comes back again,
I'll take quite a difTrent stand.
I'll agree with everything she says ;
And won't even mention 'band.'
I'll say that I was a very bad man,
In the days of long ago.
In payment for all my misdeeds then,
I've suffered much grief and woe.
If we can but bridge this quarrel o'er^
If she doesn't feel too sore —
I'll never speak c»"oss to her again ;
No, never, never more ! "
" Well, my dear," said pretty Mrs. Tim,
As she swept into the room,
** I've given you time for contemplation,
And I've come to hear mv doom.
TIM AND MRS- TIM H3
Are we still to fight like Kilkenny cats :
Shall we have no peace at all —
Or shall we this recriminating stop.
And the days of old recall —
When I was ever a happy wife, and
You a loving husband were ?
Then we were happy ; we did not * spat,'
And were free from sadd'ning care."
Quoth Tim — ** I'm pleased to hear that talk —
In point of fact its really striking.
For I was going to remark,
If you will, I will, give up * biking.'
Although I see no reason why
We could not take a * spin ' together,
In spring, or summer, or the fall,
Whenever we could strike fine weather.
Nay more, I think we might, when now
We're willing to listen to reason,
Agree to live as in days of old —
Be happy in and out of season."
As in a dream Tim heard this reply iL _.-
From his very diplomatic wife : ^{
144 TIM AND MRS. TIM
'* I quite agree with you, my dear.
Td much rather have sweet peace than strife.
Some of our friends will laug-h at this —
It will be such a revolution.
But what care we ; when for our loves,
It will be but a convolution."
So then and there, this loving pair,
Agreed to cease from their contentions.
Through mutual love, and grace from above,
They've heard the last of their dissensions.
Thus endeth this story
Of Tim and his wife.
May others take warning
While journ'ying through life.
Let husbands remember
The vo\ s that they took ;
And see that they keep them
By hook or by crook.
Eschew lodges and clubs,
And then they'll be wise.
One or two at the utmost
Is all I'd advise.
TIM AND MRS. TIM
Let wives, too, remember,
Things they've got to do.
I can't tell them all here,
But they're not a few.
I don't dare to advise,
But this I am told :
A sweet temper is better
Than a Klondyke of gold !
145
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