*,^i 
 
 i 
 
 THIS STORY WILL INTEREST 
 
 Every Wife whose Husband is a 
 *" Club '* or '' Society'* Man to the 
 Neglect of his Wife and Family; 
 and 
 
 Every Husband whose "Wif e> in his 
 opinion, is too much of the ** New I 
 Woman ** 
 
 Other Men and other Women will 
 also be amused, and perh^^s^edi- 
 fied, by its perusal 
 
 t - , 
 
 ' * * '^ 
 
TIH. AND 
 MRS. TIM 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 Jl Storg for the "dllnh" anb 
 
 " Socwtg " J«an anb the 
 
 " #eto " 5Eoman 
 
 BT 
 
 R. T. LANCEFIELD 
 
 AUTHOR OF " VICTORIA, SIXTY YEARS A QUEEN 
 
 .jy*"Me-V^ ; 
 
 TORONTO 
 
 THE TORONTO NEWS COMPANY 
 
 LIMITED 
 
Entered accJWWg to Act of the Parliament of Can- 
 ada in the year One Thousand Eight Hundred 
 and Ninety-seven, by Richard T. Lancefield, 
 in the office of the Minister of Agriculture. 
 
 First Edition, 3000 Copies, December, 1897. 
 
CONTENTS, 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Re la: v ho7v Tim yielded to temptation ; 
 of Mrs. Tim's sorrow ; and of Tim's 
 explanation . . . . . p 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Relates how Tim studied the Private Rit- 
 ual ; how Mrs. Tim acquired a know- 
 ledge thereof; and of the complications 
 that ensued 22 
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 Relates ho7v Tim became a confirmed 
 ''Joiner;" how one wife tried to cure • 
 her husband; of Mrs. Tim's great 
 scheme to cure Tim ; and of the domes- 
 tic infelicities that fcllowed . . ^j 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Relates Mrs. Tim's impressions of ' ' social 
 hours " at Lodges; how Tim became par- 
 alyzed at Mrs. Tim's outburst ; how Tim 
 
 dropped Society work ; and how Mrs. 
 
 Tim herself became a famous '* Joiner " 75 
 
via CONTENTS 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Relates how Tim planned a domestic 
 earthquake ; how the earthquake finally 
 came ; and the result thereof . . /oj 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 How Tim^ in expressive verse^ commem" 
 orated the return of white-wi7iged Peace 
 to his domicile zj^ 
 
Tim and 
 
 Mrs* Tim 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 RELATES HOW TIM YIELDED TO TEMP- 
 TATION AND JOINED A SOCIETY ; 
 OF MRS. TIM's sorrow ; AND OF 
 TIM's EXPLANATION. 
 
 ^ 
 
 IMOTHY WRIGHT, 
 
 familiarly called by his friends, was 
 one of the wide-awake business men 
 of the thriving city of ParkerviUc 
 
10 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 In his early days Tim had been a 
 specially good young man. Not 
 one of your namby-pamby, goody- 
 goody kind ; but a fine specimen of 
 a healthy, whole-souled, virile Anglo- 
 Saxon. 
 
 Tim remembered the scriptural in- 
 junction that it is not good for man 
 to dwell alone. At the somewhat 
 sensible age of twenty-four he had 
 taken unto himself a life partner for 
 better or for worse. 
 
 For some time the domestic affairs 
 of the young married coi'ple ran the 
 even tenor of their ways, as it were. 
 This veracious history, indeed, might 
 never have been written had not Tim 
 in an evil hour listened to the voice 
 of the tempter, in the person of an 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM n 
 
 old school chum, Harry Harris. 
 Harry was a member of the M. O. 
 D. I. (Modern Order of Divided 
 Idlers). One day Tim was induced 
 by that smooth-tongued gentleman 
 to allow his name to be proposed for 
 membership in that order. 
 
 Tim at first resolutely refused. He 
 had always been what is known as a 
 ** home-bird." Translated into the 
 vernacular this meant that he spent 
 his evenings in the bosom of his 
 family, instead of chumming or bum- 
 ming with the boys around town in 
 the evenings, as too many married 
 
 men do. 
 
 Tim had enjoyed many a laugh at 
 the jokes in the comic papers about 
 the stories of husbands making the 
 
J2 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 excuse to their wives that they were 
 going to the lodge, when they were 
 simply going- to make a night of it 
 at the club, if not at some more 
 questionable resort. And he told 
 friend Harry flatly that he was not 
 going to begin joining lodges. A 
 joke was a joke all right enough, 
 and no one could enjoy a good one 
 more than he could himself. But 
 married men, especially, had a duty 
 to perform. That duty was to look 
 after their wives and families, and 
 not to go gadding about town with 
 the single fellows, who had no one 
 but themselves to worry about. 
 
 But Tim was much mistaken if he 
 thought that such arguments as 
 these would satisfy friend Harry. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM tS 
 
 Not at all. Harry had what is 
 known as the -Society' fever. In 
 common parlance he was a -Joiner." 
 It wasn't a question of what society 
 he belonged to, but rather of what 
 society he did not belong to, for he 
 joined any and every society to which 
 he could gain admittance. 
 
 And not only was Harry an en- 
 thusiastic -Joiner" himself, but he 
 had an almost mesmeric power over 
 his friends. He easily took first 
 • prize in most of the societies to 
 which he belonged for bringing in 
 the largest number of new members. 
 It was not surprising, then, that 
 he soon overcame Tim's scruples, 
 and finally induced him to sign the 
 application form for membership, as 
 
H TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 before recited. Not that Tim yield- 
 ed without a struggle. On the con- 
 trary, he fought hard against the 
 temptation. 
 
 '* Really, Harry," he said, ** I 
 would much rather not join. What 
 is the use ?" 
 
 ** Why, my dear boy," replied 
 Harry, in his bright, breezy manner ; 
 *' it won't be hard to show you that. 
 It does a man good in every way to 
 join us. He becomes acquainted 
 with men he might otherwise never • 
 meet. He has the rough corners of 
 his character rounded off by contact 
 with his fellow men. He is soon 
 placed in office, and thus becomes 
 a person of importance among the 
 brethren. He has the sympathy 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM 16 
 
 and practical aid of his brethren in 
 times of sorrow and misfortune. In 
 fact, I am sure it is unnecessary for 
 me to continue to demonstrate the 
 benefits which our society confers 
 upon its members." 
 
 Such a shower of reasons why he 
 should join was too much for Tim. 
 He was not logician enough to sep- 
 arate the wheat from the chaff, and 
 to argue the various points so well 
 presented by Harry ; while he could 
 not deny that some of them appealed 
 very strongly to his personal feelings 
 and predilections. He did not care 
 a button for office, but he did think 
 it was a capital idea, both from a 
 business a? well as a personal point 
 of view, to increase the area of his 
 
i6 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 acquaintances, and to have the aid 
 of faithful brethren in times of sick- 
 ness and distress. 
 
 So his application went in. As 
 Tim was a citizen of standing and 
 repute, it is needless to say that the 
 application was accepted. In course 
 of time Tim was duly initiated 
 into the secrets and mysteries of 
 the order, and straightway blossomed 
 out into a full-fledged member of the 
 aforesaid Modern Order of Divided 
 Idlers. 
 
 And thus arose the first cloud 
 which obscured the hitherto serene 
 sky of happiness of Mrs. Tim. She, 
 poor woman, was now to realize the 
 truth of the old saying, that one 
 never fully appreciates any blessing 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM t7 
 
 one enjoys till one is about to lose it. 
 She had enjoyed Tim's society in the 
 evening's for so many years, that she 
 had come to look upon it as quite 
 the natural thing. She occasionally 
 heard rumors that Mr. Jones, one of 
 their neighbors, was attending too 
 much to societies, and neglecting his 
 wife and family. Mrs. Brown, an- 
 other neighbor, had told her only a 
 few weeks before, that Mr. Brown be- 
 longed to so many societies, he hardly 
 ever spent an evening at home, and 
 that she was a most unhappy woman 
 in consequence. But Mrs. Tim had 
 not taken much notice of these stor- 
 ies. She had simply said to her- 
 self, ** Thank heaven ! my Tim 
 has more sense than to do such 
 
« TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 things, or to make such a fool of 
 himself. " 
 
 It can readily be imagined, there- 
 fore, that it was quite a shock to her 
 feehngs when her own Tim began to 
 attend lodge once a week. She re- 
 frained from saying much at first. 
 She often felt on the verge of an out- 
 break when Mr. Tim would come 
 home, frequently about midnight, 
 and sometimes even later, with a stale 
 smell of bad tobacco hanging round 
 his clothes. If there was one thing 
 that Mrs, Tim detested more than 
 another, it was the smell of tobacco 
 in the house ; and Tim, it must be 
 understood, rarely smoked before he 
 became a recruit in the ranks of the 
 Joiners. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM i9 
 
 But though Mrs. Tim did not make 
 
 much of a fuss, yet she could not 
 
 refrain from expressing her opinion. 
 
 '' Why, Tim," she would say ; *' I 
 
 thought you had been to the lodge?" 
 
 '< And so I have, my dear," Tim 
 
 would reply. 
 
 ^^Then, sir," Mrs. Tim would 
 say, *M am afraid your lodge is not 
 going to do you much good. It seems 
 to me you only waste your time 
 there. You know, Tim, you have 
 been out so seldom without me till 
 lately ; and even when you did go 
 out, you came home without this 
 horrid stale tobacco smell about you. 
 
 While now — " 
 
 And there would be just the faint- 
 est touch of a catch in her voice, as 
 
20 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 though she were going to break 
 down entirely. Whereupon Tim 
 would gallantly come to the rescue. 
 ** Come, come, my dear," he would 
 say ; '' don't go on like this. I can 
 assure you there are a fine lot of fel- 
 lows belonging to the lodge, and 
 that we conduct ourselves properly. 
 Sometimes, it is true, after the lodge 
 business is over, a few of us have a 
 quiet chat and a smoke, just talking 
 over things in general and lodge 
 matters in particular. Besides, my 
 dear, it's only once a week, anyway. 
 And then think of the honor in store 
 for your husband. To-night, for in- 
 stance, the members elected me I. G. 
 F. B. D., which means Inspector- 
 General of the Front and Back 
 
TIM AND MRS, TIM 21 
 
 Doors. You will see your nt^xt-door 
 neigfhbor will be green with jealousy 
 to-morrow when she sees my name 
 in the papers among* the list of offic- 
 ers, as her husband has not yet been 
 elected to any office." 
 
 Mrs. Tim would interject an occa- 
 sional ** Humph !" or ** Nonsense !" 
 expressive of her supreme contempt, 
 as Tim would thus rattle on in his 
 own free and easy style, w^hile dis- 
 robing preparatory to seeking some 
 much needed repose. 
 
 Thus was the domestic peace of 
 Mrs. Tim invaded ; and thus did 
 Tim on his part come to regret that 
 the historic Mrs. Caudle with her 
 curtain lectures had invaded his hith- 
 erto peaceful home. ;s^- 
 
22 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 CHAPTER II 
 
 RELATES HOW TIM STUDIED THE PRI- 
 VATE RITU/' ; HOW MRS. TIM ALSO 
 ACQUIRED A KNOWLEDGE THEREOF ; 
 AND OF THE COMPLICATIONS THAT 
 ENSUED. ■' -. : V- "i^^-, 
 
 [UCH scenes as the one de- 
 scribed were mild indeed 
 compared with those that 
 were to follow. In the course of time 
 Tim was elected to higher office in 
 his lodge. Then he joined a higher 
 branch of the same order, and was 
 speedily elected an office-bearer. 
 Soon after he had the supreme satis- 
 faction of seeing his name in print 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 23 
 
 with these initials after it : H. S. H. 
 C. R. S. F., and hearing himself ad- 
 dressed by the brethren as His Ser- 
 ene Highness Sir Timothy Wright, 
 the Chosen Ruler of the Select Few. 
 His election to this exalted office 
 necessitated much study, as he was 
 required to memorize the ritual used 
 at the initiation of candidates. But 
 by this time Tim was equal to any 
 sacrifice that the order required. In- 
 stead of attending to his family and 
 his social duties, and taking life easy, 
 he set to work in his spare moments, 
 and succeeded in mastering nearly 
 the entire ritual. 
 
 He had been given a copy of the 
 secret ritual prepared for officers 
 only, to assist him in this task. This 
 
24 TIM AND MRS, TIM 
 
 was to be kept strictly private. One 
 day Tim got a bad fright through 
 his carelessness in not taking suffi- 
 cient care of it. 
 
 He had sat up one night well into 
 the small hours of the morning, 
 deeply immersed in his self-imposed 
 task of memorizing. On retiring he 
 had thrown the book into his private 
 drawer in the chiffonier in his bed- 
 room. He was very busy for the 
 next few days and nights — too busy, 
 in fact, to give a thought to the fur- 
 ther study of the book. 
 
 But it so happened that Mrs. Tim, 
 in straightening up her husband's 
 room, as every good wife feels in 
 honor bound to do occasionally, had 
 come across the precioi^*^ Private 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM aS 
 
 Ritual. A glance through its pages 
 was enough to show that it did not 
 contain any old or even recent love 
 letters from unknown females, or 
 other compromising materials, such 
 as are said to be occasionally found 
 in the books or pockets of some bad 
 husbands. The ritual was on the 
 point of being laid back in its place, 
 when Mrs. Tim suddenly conceived 
 the idea of playing off a practical 
 joke on Mr. Tim as part payment 
 for the many weary hours she had 
 now to pass by herself. Like Mr. 
 Tim, she suddenly became a diligent 
 student of the Private Ritual. When 
 she thought she was sufficiently 
 versed in her part, she proceeded to 
 spring a surprise on Mr. Tim. 
 
26 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 One night, or rather early one 
 morning, Tim came home smelling 
 worse than ever of vile tobacco, to 
 which was added a most suspicious 
 odor of beer or whisky. Mrs. Tim 
 had retired, like the dutiful wife that 
 she was. Tim also was soon sleep- 
 ing the sleep- of the tired-out, beer- 
 soaked brother. In the morning, 
 when he awoke, his good wife was 
 up and dressed ; but there was a look 
 of anxiety on her face, and a sort of 
 I-am-sorry-for-you tone in her voice, 
 that Tim did not at all like. 
 
 ** Ah, Tim," said his wife; ''I 
 thought it would come to this sooner 
 or later. No man can go on like 
 you have been going and not suffer 
 the consequences." 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 27 
 
 **V/hy, my dear," said Tim; 
 ** what on earth is the matter ? 
 Grumbling, as usual, of course. But 
 what special sin am I guilty of now, 
 that you put on such a long face and 
 speak in such a sorrowful tone ?" 
 
 ** Grumbling?" queried Mrs. Tim, 
 ** Yes, and well I may grumble, 
 Tim. Tim, do you know you have 
 taken to talk in your sleep, and 
 doctors all agree that that is a sure 
 sign of brain weakening ? " 
 
 *^ What's that?" said Tim, omit- 
 ting the usual ^* My dear" in his as- 
 tonishment ; *^ talking in my sleep ? 
 What do you mean, madam ?" 
 
 *^0h, I mean just what I scy, 
 Tim," was the reply ; ** it is simply 
 awful the way you have been going 
 
28 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 on in your sleep lately. You evi- 
 dently have a fine time of it at your 
 lodge meetings. And what a pack of 
 fools you do make of yourselves, to 
 be sure," she added, her words and 
 tone of voice causing Mr. Tim some 
 anxiety. 
 
 ^* Why, madam," he said ; ^^ what 
 do you mean by talking in this way ? 
 I am really astonished. I would have 
 you understand that we behave our- 
 selves in the lodge room like gentle- 
 men." Tim said this in his most 
 severe tone of voice, in the hope that 
 it would carry conviction with it, and 
 put a tsop to the discussion. 
 
 But it didn't do either one or the 
 other. ^ ^^ . . 
 
 ** Like gentlemen !" sarcastically 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 29 
 
 remarked Mrs. Tim. ** Like 'ba- 
 bies,' would be a better term to use." 
 
 *'Come, come, my dear," said 
 Tim; ** you really must not get 
 such an idea into your pretty head." 
 
 As Tim's severity had failed to 
 shut off the discussion, he now tried 
 the effect of a persuasive, loving 
 tone, with the object of putting Mrs. 
 Tim into a good humor again. 
 
 But the persuasion failed just as 
 the severity had failed, both being 
 absolutely lost on Mrs. Tim, who 
 continued the discussion. 
 
 ** Oh, Tim, your blarney will not 
 go this time. I tell you I know what 
 I am talking about. You are really 
 thinking so much of your society 
 duties and your lodge work, that you 
 
30 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 are talking of them while sleeping as 
 
 well as while awake." 
 
 **Why, my dear, what do you 
 mean ?" said Tim, by this time be- 
 ginning to get a little frightened as 
 to what his wife knew and what she 
 did not know. 
 
 **What DO I mean ?" said Mrs. 
 Tim; **why I mean that if you 
 keep on in your present course, I 
 shall soon know all the secret work 
 of your societ/." 
 
 **What!" exclaimed Tim, in as- 
 tonishment. 
 
 **Yes," said Mrs. Tim; ^^you 
 have said so much of it over in your 
 sleep lately, that you have kept me 
 from sleeping, and I had nothing 
 better to do than to listen and learn." 
 
TIM AND MRS, TIM M 
 
 ^^ Bless my soul !" exclaimed Tim 
 (and it must be said here that Tim 
 prided himself on being a man who 
 seldom indulged in strong language); 
 *^ what have I been saying, pray?'* 
 
 ^^Well," said Mrs. Tim, ''I will 
 repeat a little of what I remember, 
 and it must be something to which 
 you attach a great deal of import- 
 ance, as I don't know how many 
 times you have repeated it. Listen 
 now : 
 
 '' ' Most High and Mighty Vice- 
 Chosen Ruler, Are you a member of 
 the Select Few?' 
 
 *^ ^ The Vice-Ruler stands upon his 
 head, salutes the Chosen Ruler by 
 placing his feet in the form of an 
 equilateral triangle, and replies : 
 
32 TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 
 ** M am, Serene Highness. Try 
 me and prove me.' 
 
 *^ * How will you be tried ? ' 
 *^ * By my record, Serene High- 
 ness ? ' 
 
 '' * What is that record?' 
 ** * That, except in exceptional 
 cases, I never spend more than one 
 night a week at home with my wife 
 and family ; that I throw the entire 
 care and responsibility of the house 
 upon my wife ; that I take care to 
 growl and make myself as disagree- 
 able as possible if my wife complains 
 of my conduct in this respect, or if I 
 find her attending any meetings or 
 entertainments with a gentleman 
 friend.' 
 
 *^ * Right glad am I, most Worthy 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 33 
 
 Brother, to find that you can prove 
 yourself so eminently qualified to be 
 a member of the Select Few. I can 
 only trust that you will persevere and 
 still further sacrifice yourself on the 
 altar of duty by joining one other 
 society to fill up the vacant night 
 which you now spend at home once 
 a week. We are all agreed upon the 
 point that no man who is a man will 
 • think of wasting his hours at home 
 with his wife and family when he can 
 be enjoying himself with his brethren 
 in the lodge room. I will now ad- 
 dress a few questions to the other 
 officers.' 
 
 ** * Unworthy Keeper of the Prop- 
 erties, What is your duty ? ' 
 
 ** ^ To see that everything is ready 
 
34 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 at the proper moment when a candi- 
 date is initiated, Serene Highness.' 
 
 ** ^ As we have a candidate now in 
 waiting for initiation, I would ask 
 you, Is everything properly pre- 
 pared ? ' 
 
 ** ^ Everything is properly pre- 
 pared. Serene Highness,' replied 
 the Wretched Keeper. ^ I have ascer- 
 tained that the various accessories 
 designed to impress upon the can- * 
 didate the awful solemnity of the 
 ceremony are all ready.' 
 
 *^ * What is the principal of those 
 accessories ? ' 
 
 *^ ^ The great furnace. Serene 
 Highness, which is heated to ap- 
 parently 630", into which the asbestos 
 dummy corpse is to be hurled at the 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 35 
 
 proper moment, as a warning to the 
 candidate of the fate which awaits 
 him if he fails to report and maintain 
 at least as good a record as the Vice- 
 Ruler.' 
 
 ** * What is the second principal 
 accessory ?' 
 
 *^*The thirty-ton electrical ham- 
 mer, Serene Highness, which has 
 been set to stop at 5 feet iij^ inches, 
 that being the exact height of the 
 candidate as he will stand in the 
 three-inch soled boots in which he 
 will be initiated.' ( I i ; 
 
 ** ^ What is the object of the elec- 
 trical hammer, and what lesson is it 
 intended to convey. Wretched Keep- 
 er?'--. - -■ • .-^-^-^J:r.SL- ^i.. 
 
 ' * ^ That the candidate may be nearly 
 
U TIM AN> MRS. TIM 
 
 frig^htened to death by the release of 
 the electrical hammer, in order to 
 illustrate that just as the ponderous 
 hammer, if not stopped at the proper 
 moment, would crush him as flat as 
 a pancake, so will the scorn and de- 
 rision of his brethren cause him to 
 feel equally flat if he at any time 
 violates any of the cardinal principles 
 of the Select Few, Serene Highness.' 
 
 [^^ What are the other principal ac- 
 cessories prepared, Wretched Keep- 
 er?' 
 
 ** *The rubber blanket, and the lion 
 
 and the lamb. Serene Highness. 
 
 The rubber blanket has been stretched 
 
 twelve feet below the spot on which 
 the candidate will stand, so that 
 
 when the button is pushed, and the 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM 37 
 
 electrical trap door collapses, the 
 candidate, while experiencing the 
 sensation of a visit to the domicile 
 of the Father of All Evil, will be 
 received in the folds of the blanket 
 and rolled gently to the automatic 
 electrical elevator, by which agency 
 he will be speedily restored to the 
 arms of his brethren in the lodge 
 room ; while the lion has been 
 gorged with cooked lamb, so that at 
 the proper moment we shall be able 
 to illustrate to the life the tableaux 
 of the lion and the lamb lying down 
 together — with the lamb inside the 
 lion, this being generally the only 
 way in which these two animals do 
 lie down together in this work-a-day 
 life on earth.' 
 
91 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 /I^Tis well, Wretched Keeper/* 
 said the Serene Highness ; *<but see 
 that your apparatus is in thorough 
 working order, as it is not desirable 
 to have a repetition of the accident 
 which befel the candidate at the last 
 initiation, when the electrical hammer 
 was set an inch lower than the exact 
 height of the candidate, with the re- 
 sult that the initiatory ceremonies 
 were brought to an abrupt termina- 
 tion and the candidal . only restored 
 to life by the aid of the powerful 
 electro-therapeutic appliances in the 
 possession of the lodge physician.' " 
 **Stop, stop," cried Tim, who had 
 listened with astonishment as Mrs. 
 Tim rattled her lesson off with 
 parrot-like promptness. ''Oh, this 
 
I TIM AND MRS- TIM » 
 
 j is awful. Surely I did not say all 
 this ?" he continued, as he realised 
 that it was word for word what had 
 been said in the lodge at the last 
 meeting. :^,-y4i^-^^:^^m-:- 
 
 ** Oh, but all this is just what you 
 did say," said Mrs. Tim. ** Nice 
 goings on, I must say," she con- 
 tinued, in a bantering tone. ** So 
 you are proud of your record ? A 
 beautiful specimen of a husband, 
 aren 't you ? With your wonderful 
 electrical hammer, and secret trap 
 door, and the rest of the machinery ? 
 Why, really, Barnum and Bailey 
 should be asked to engage the lot of 
 you as a circus exhibit, as showing 
 what a pack of fools men can make 
 of themselves." 
 
40 TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 
 ^* Ah, ah ! my dear, laughed Tim, 
 by this time roused to the necessity 
 of saying something to throw his 
 wife off the scent; *^and so you 
 really believe all this is an actual 
 fact? Well, I always heard and 
 thought women could be silly, but 
 hardly so stupid as to swallow all 
 
 this." -■--■-- .:.;.:..'^^..:--..--.-./^::'- a.^^ 
 
 **Now, Tim," said Mrs. Tim, 
 severely ; ^Vplay the fool if you want 
 to. I do n't suppose I can prevent 
 you doing that, as you seem to like 
 it so much ; but don't be a liar, sir. 
 What I have said is all true, and you 
 
 , Something in the tone in which 
 this was said made Tim pause for a 
 reply, and then to put on his think- 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM -M 
 ing cap. In a flash he remembered 
 his precious manual of Private \Vork, 
 and where he had left it. Then he 
 saw through it all— that Mrs. Tim 
 had found the book, had memorized 
 portions of it, and had just been 
 playing with him. . ^ i>^ 
 
 To say that he was angry, would 
 hardly be the truth, for he was more 
 than angry — he was disgusted. And 
 when a husband is disgusted with 
 himself, and angry at his wife at the 
 same time — poor fellow, he is in a 
 bad state indeed. However, Tim 
 saw there was nothing for him to do 
 but to capitulate and make the best 
 terms he could. f^^^''y'':i-.-:'^-r.^ 
 
 '' So, so, Mrs. Tim," he said ; 
 *' that is your game, is it? Well, 
 
42 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 madam, I must say you have suc- 
 ceeded admirably ; only for my sake, 
 if not for your own, I trust that this t 
 matter will go no further." 
 
 Mrs. Tim, however, saw she had fl 
 the whip hand, and took advantage 
 of this fact to exact a conditional 
 promise from Tim of better behaviour 
 for the future. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 43 
 
 CHAPTER III 
 
 RELATES HOW TIM BECAME A CON- 
 FIRMED '' joiner" ; HOW ONE WIFE 
 TRIED TO CURE HER HUSBAND; OF 
 MRS. TIM's GREAT SCHEME ; AND OF 
 THE DOMESTIC INFELICITIES THAT 
 
 FOLLOWED. ^^::'; - ;■; ,";/::■:';'-; --.['v;:;-:: 
 
 |UT Tim's promises were 
 soon found to be like the 
 proverbial pie crust— only 
 made to be broken. He, poor fel- 
 low, was in the embrace of the So- 
 ciety octopus, and it required a 
 stronger effort of the will than he was 
 capable of to release himself. He 
 found that every office to which he 
 
44 ,TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 was elected necessitated visits to 
 other lodges to enable him to ** pick 
 up " on the work, so that his lodge 
 should have the reputation of having 
 the best set of officers in the jurisdic- 
 tion, 'r'v". 
 
 Instead, therefore, of one night a 
 week, Tim was now out several 
 nights a week. And as if to fill Mrs. 
 Tim's cup of woe to the brim, Tim 
 became more and more fascinated 
 with Society work. He had recently 
 joined the B. B. B's (the Brave 
 
 Brotherhood of Bicyclers) ; the O. O. 
 O's (the Old Order of Owls) ; the S. 
 Y. Y's (the Society of Youthful 
 Yagers), not to mention others. 
 - As his training in Society work 
 had developed and strengthened his 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM 45 
 
 oratorical powers, he hr.d become a 
 ready platform and after-dinner 
 speaker, and was in constant de- 
 mand for club dinners, political gath- 
 erings, and other entertainments. 
 He had also been repeatedly pressed 
 to run as Mayor of his city, and he 
 saw himself that it was only a ques- 
 tion of time when he would have to 
 accede to such requests and make 
 further sacrifices for the benefits of 
 his fellow-citizens. ' 
 
 It will thus be seen that by this 
 time Tim had become as famous a 
 ** Joiner " as his friend Harry Harris, 
 through whose instrumentality Tim 
 \ had taken his first fatal plunge into 
 Society waters. As a natural conse- 
 quence there was a complete change 
 
46 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 in Tim's domestic arranq^ements. 
 Before he became a ** Joiner" it was 
 only an occasional evening that he 
 spent away from home. Now the 
 tables were completely turned, and it 
 was only an occasional evenino- that 
 he spent at home. 
 
 An impromptu verse that Mrs. 
 Tim heard at the opera one evening 
 seemed to fit Mr. Tim's case exactly. 
 It was sung to the tune of ** Ask of 
 the Man in the Moon." 
 
 I used to stay home with the wife ; 
 'Twas one of the pleasures of life. 
 Now I try, 
 • In fact I cry, • . » 
 
 To go nightly to lodge or the club. 
 If you'd like to know what the folks say 
 Of the men who go on in this way — 
 ^^..__^..^^,:L:^^-,::;^i.^. I can't tell you myself, 
 I've a notion who can — 
 : vjust you ask of my wife at the house. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 47 
 
 Mrs. Tim was a patient woma i 
 and a loving wife ; but this continued 
 and continuous absence of her hus- 
 band was too much of a good thing. 
 She began to realize to her sorrow 
 that Tim was now little better than a 
 husband in name only. There was 
 now an almost entire absence of those 
 little subtleties, insignificant in them- 
 selves, but which, neverthless, tend 
 to bind husband and wife together, 
 and which enables them by mutual 
 love and forbearance to bridge in 
 safety the numerous hills and valleys 
 of trouble and sorrow that beset the 
 path of the vast majority of married 
 couples on their way through life. 
 
 It was a case, as Mrs. Tim heard 
 a ** woman's righter" say once, of 
 
48 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 the woman having to mother every- 
 thing and father it too. If Mr. Tim 
 had only kept his eyes open he would 
 have sighted danger ahead. But he, 
 poor, foolish fellow, was so wrapped 
 up in his various ocieties as to be 
 absolutely blind to things at home. 
 
 But other people were not blind. 
 Mr. Tim's actions had, in fact, be- 
 come common talk among the house 
 servants. This was most unpleas- 
 antly brought to Mrs. Tim's atten- 
 tion on one occasion. That good 
 lady had gone out one day, but re- 
 turned in a few moments for some 
 article that she had forgotten. 
 Walking quietly in at the front door 
 she was astonished to hear the parlor 
 maid singing an impromptu verse 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 49 
 
 to the tune of **The Cat Came 
 
 Back.", 
 
 There was poor Mrs. Tim, 
 She had trouble of her own. 
 
 She'd a fool of a husband 
 Who wouldn't stay at home. 
 
 She tried everything she knew 
 To make him by her stay, 
 
 But in spite of all her efforts 
 He would wander away. 
 
 Yes, he'd wander away ; 
 
 Mrs. Tim didn't doubt it. ; 
 
 Tim would wander away „ 
 
 At night and alone. '; 
 
 Yes, he'd wander away — ..^ '-;::* 
 
 That's all there is about it ; 
 He'd just wander away 
 
 'Cause he couldn't stay at home. 
 
 That settled it. That was the 
 final straw that broke the camel's 
 back, so far as Mrs. Tim was con- 
 cerned, ---^--■^-^-^^pi^^-i-.^^^-^.'lm^ 
 
 Mrs. Tim at once came to the con- 
 clusion that ordinary domestic storms 
 
50 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 had no effect whatever on Tim, and 
 that nothing short of a few volcanic 
 eruptions would cause him to realise 
 that he was not doing his duty. 
 Mrs. Tim had read the story of the 
 Chicago girl who when asked by the 
 minister during the marriage cere- 
 mony : ** Wilt thou love, honor and 
 obey this man," had astonished and 
 scandalized the good people present 
 by answering in the pert Yankee 
 style, ^* Yes, so long as he does the 
 right thing by me financially." But 
 Mrs. Tin: was not that sort of a 
 woman. She wanted something 
 more than financial love, as it were. 
 She had had something more than 
 that in years gone by, and she de- 
 termined to regain it if at all possible. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 5t 
 
 She had heard of plans that had 
 been tried by other wives whose 
 husbands were inveterate lodge at- 
 tendants. One story that she heard 
 is worth repeating : 
 
 *'Now, remember/' said the wife 
 to the husband, as he was going out 
 for the evening, 'Mf you are not 
 home by twelve o'clock at the latest 
 I shall bolt the door and your latch 
 key will be no good, for you will find 
 vou will not be able to get in. If 
 you must go to lodge, I am deter- 
 mined that you shall come home at a 
 reasonable hour. If you won't do 
 that, why then you can stay away all 
 
 niyfht." 
 
 This was taking a very extreme 
 step, but, as the wife said to Mrs. 
 
52 TIM AND MRS TIM 
 
 Tim, '* I am just getting desperate, 
 and I will do something desperate, if 
 my husband does not stop going out 
 so much to his lodges." 
 
 But the plan did not work. When 
 the husband came home at half-past 
 twelve the first night after the wife 
 had taken to bolting the front door, 
 he quietly hunted around and was 
 able to gain admittance by crawling 
 in through one of the basement win- 
 dows. This window had been over- 
 looked in the general fastening up of 
 the rest of the house. This was, of 
 course, a most undignified way of 
 entering ; nevertheless the husband 
 rather laughed to himself, after gain- 
 ing admittance in spite of the action 
 of his wife, thinking it a good illus- 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM 53 
 
 tration of the truth of the old adage, 
 that a chain is only as strong as its 
 weakest part. Nor did he let his 
 wife into the secret of how he had 
 o-ained admittance. But she evi- 
 dently suspected ; and he did not 
 laugh so hilariously the next night 
 he w^as behind the prescribed time. 
 He then found that every window 
 had been tightly bolted, and that no 
 amount of bell-ringing or knocking 
 would open the house door to him. 
 
 But he was not yet by any means 
 at the end of his resources. True, 
 he could not enter openly by the 
 front door ; neither could he again 
 craw^l in through one of the basement 
 windows, or climb in at one of the 
 windows of the first floor. But, 
 
54 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 happy thought ! Might he not be 
 able to effect an entrance throuoh one 
 of the second floor windows ? No 
 sooner did the idea present itself to 
 his fertile brain than it was forthwith 
 acted upon. Going to the back of 
 the house, he raised an eighteen-foot 
 ladder up to the second story. But 
 the iron of disappointment again 
 entered his soul when he found that 
 every window here was also securely 
 fastened. There was still the front 
 of the house to try. Determined 
 not to be balked he, with infinite 
 labor and difficulty, dragged the 
 heavy ladder from the back to the 
 front of the house and raised it to one 
 of the window^s. Another surprise, 
 however, was now to be sprung upon 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 55 
 
 him. As he was half way up the 
 ladder and was already congratulat- 
 ing himself on having outwitted his 
 wife, he was gruffly ordered to de- 
 scend and give an account of himself. 
 Looking down, he was astonished to 
 see a burly policeman, evidently im- 
 pressed with the idea that he was 
 about to capture a desperate, daring 
 midnight burglar, standing at the 
 foot of the ladder. It took Mr. 
 Husband about half an hour, and a 
 plentiful sprinkling of white lies, to 
 explain matters, and to convince the 
 policeman, who happened to be a 
 new man on the force, that he was 
 only a peaceful, law-abiding citizen 
 and a fool of a husband — but no 
 burglar. Then he communed with 
 
56 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 himself and was more than ever con- 
 vinced that a hen-pecked husband's 
 lot was not a happy one. 
 
 This and similar little incidents 
 convinced the wife that she would 
 have to abandon her plan as imprac- 
 ticable. She saw that her husband 
 was of a reckless disposition. She 
 found out that when he did not pass 
 his nights in his own house, he got 
 into a fast set and was rapidly going 
 on the downward path that threat- 
 ened destruction to himself and 
 family. 
 
 Another story Mrs. Tim heard de- 
 cided her to adopt entirely different 
 methods in dealing with Mr. Tim. 
 Mrs. Jackson, who told this story, 
 was of a most decided religious turn 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 57 
 
 of mind. She attended church twice 
 every Sunday, regularly. She would 
 not have missed a prayer-meeting on 
 a week-day for a hundred dollars. 
 Mr. Jackson seemed to think this 
 was almost too much of a good 
 thing. For a few years after their 
 marriage Mr. Jackson attended 
 church quite regularly. But, de- 
 spite Mrs. Jackson's manifest in- 
 terest in church matters, her husband 
 gradually fell from grace. He be- 
 came as deeply interested in society 
 work as his wife was in church work. 
 His poor wife was horrified and 
 greatly scandalized to find that his 
 lodge was becoming of more import- 
 ance to him than his church. He 
 even got into the habit of going to 
 
58 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 the lodge on Sunday afternoons to, 
 as he said, **get up the work with 
 the brethren." To a woman of Mrs. 
 Jackson's susceptible mind this was 
 simply unbearable ; and she very 
 soon let Mr. Jackson know what she 
 thought of such conduct. If it had 
 been Sunday-school or some other 
 religious gathering that he went to 
 on a Sunday afternoon it would be 
 all right. Then she would know he 
 was in good company. But, to go 
 to lodge ! Why, the idea was mon- 
 strous. But her numerous com- 
 plaints and lectures did little good. 
 Her husband seemed to fear her re- 
 proaches and upbraidings about as 
 much as a duck fears water. ** Hor- 
 rid man !" as she said to her friend. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 59 
 
 while relating the story of her 
 troubles. One day Mrs. Jackson 
 told her troubles to her rector when 
 he was making a ministerial call at 
 the house. This particular minister 
 evidently had more sound common 
 sense than a good many of his fel- 
 lows. Instead of telling Mrs. Jack- 
 son that she was doing quite right in 
 showing Mr. Jackson the enormity 
 of his offence in not attending 
 church, he took the opposite ground 
 entirely. 
 
 ^* My good woman," said this emi- 
 nently sensible minister, *^ you must 
 adopt different tactics. At present 
 you are taking the very course to 
 make your husband worse instead of 
 better. Instead of reproaching him 
 
60 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 continually for not going to church, 
 try the opposite course. In fact, try 
 coaxing instead of nagging. For 
 instance, next Sunday when you are 
 getting ready for church, ask him 
 quietly to go with you. Put it to 
 him that he should go with you, if 
 only for appearance sake. Do this 
 morning and evening for several 
 Sundays. It will be strange if he is 
 not soon shamed into going with 
 you." 
 
 Mrs. Jackson disliked giving up 
 her complaining. What woman does 
 when she once begins ? At the same 
 time she thought she might as well 
 give the minister's advice a trial. At 
 first her husband paid but little at- 
 tention to her requests. But she 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 6i 
 
 could see he was struck with the de- 
 cided change in her manner. And 
 the change had its effect. In a few 
 weeks, sure enough, Mrs. Jackson 
 had the pleasure of Mr. Jackson's 
 company to church on a Sup lay 
 evening. After that he seemed to 
 think it his duty to go to church 
 again quite regularly. 
 
 Mrs. Tim was one of those women 
 who have sense enough to profit by 
 the dearly bought experience of 
 others. She thought over these 
 stories. The first plan she consid- 
 ered too harsh ; the second, too mild. 
 She felt that there was an angelic 
 touch in Mrs. Jackson's nature that 
 was decidedly lacking in her own. 
 She therefore adopted a plan that, as 
 
62 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 she said to herself, would not fail to 
 
 bring Mr. Tim to time. 
 
 One night, or rather morning, for 
 it was two a. m., when Mr. Tim re- 
 turned home, he was somewhat sur- 
 prised to find that Mrs. Tim was 
 only taking off her outer wraps, 
 having apparently returned home 
 but a few minutes before. This was 
 somewhat of a surprise to Mr. Tim. 
 Very naturally he was not backward 
 in expressing his surprise. 
 
 But, as we shall see, he was still 
 more surprised before he was an hour 
 older. 
 
 **Well, madam," said Tim, some- 
 what sternly, ** what does this mean 
 — coming in at two o'clock ?" 
 
 ** Why, Tim," was the reply. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 63 
 
 " What is the matter ? I am home 
 before you, it seems." 
 
 Now if Tim had exercised the 
 wisdom of the dove or the cunning 
 o{ the serpent, he w^ould have 
 laughed the matter off by saying, 
 " Ah, ah, then we are two of a kind, 
 my dear," or some such silly thing, 
 and then retired without further dis- 
 cussion. But Tim wasn't that kind 
 of a man. He was indignant that 
 his wife should be out so late. 
 
 It was all right for him to be out 
 till the late hours of the night, or in- 
 deed until the small hours of the 
 morning. He was a man. But that 
 his wife — a mere woman — should do 
 the same. The idea w-as not to be 
 tolerated for an instant. 
 
6i IM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 ** Why, bless my soul !" said Tim 
 to himself ; **this is something that 
 cannot and should not and shall not 
 be allowed." 
 
 He thereupon proceeded to lecture 
 Mrs. Tim in right good style. 
 
 ^* Yes, madam," he concluded; ^* it 
 may be true that I am late in com- 
 ino- home. But that is a different 
 thing altogether. I have been to 
 lodge." 
 
 He thought that would settle the 
 matter at once. But it did n't. 
 
 ^' Have you, indeed," said Mrs. 
 Tim ; **but I have equally as good 
 an excuse for coming home so late, 
 for do you know, Tim, that I can 
 also say, I have been to lodge." 
 
 ** What ?" abruptly exclaimed Tim. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TliVl 65 
 
 *' Yes, Tim clear," said Mrs. Tim, 
 adopting Tim's bantering* style of 
 address, ** it's true. You seem to 
 know so little about your home, that 
 you apparently have not heard that I 
 lately joined the A. S. R. H. (Amal- 
 ^i^amated Society for the Reclamation 
 of Husbands), and have been elected 
 io the office of Vice-Mistress." 
 
 " Well, this is decidedly something- 
 new," said Tim, whistling softly to 
 himself. ** But, my dear," he con- 
 tinued, ^* isn't this society business 
 going to interfere somewhat with 
 your domestic duties ?" 
 
 ''Oh, k don't know," said Mrs. 
 Tim, meditatively. ^* Do your so- 
 ciety duties interfere with your 
 domestic duties, Tim ?" 
 
^6 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 This was getting rather too per- 
 sonal, thought Tim. He escaped 
 answering Mrs. Tim's question by 
 asking another. 
 
 '* Why didn't you tell me you were 
 going out this evening, my dear? 
 It would have made me feel small, 
 you know, if I had met any of our 
 mutual friends and said you were 
 home, and they had come up and 
 found you had gone out." 
 
 '*Well, the fac. is, Tim," said 
 Mrs. Tim, **you didn't give me a 
 chance. You remember after dinner 
 you dressed yourself, took your hat, 
 and merely saying, * Well, good bye, 
 I am off to the lodge,' you were out 
 of the house soon after seven o'clock. 
 You did n't even say, * I hone you 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 67 
 
 won't be lonely,' or * Are you going* 
 out this evening.' Thinking of 
 nothing but self, you were off to the 
 eternal, or as I have come to regard 
 it, the infernal, lodge." 
 
 '* Hello !" said Tim, surprised at 
 this outbreak; **why, madam, you 
 are learning rapidly, I must say. 
 By-the-way, what Society is this you 
 say you have joined ?" 
 
 ^*0h, some of you won't like it 
 very much, I can tell you that," said 
 Mrs. Tim, more warmly than ever. 
 ''Well, it you must know," she con- 
 tinued, "it is a society for married 
 ladies only, to give them an oppor- 
 tunity o( enjoying themselves while 
 their husbands are at lodge or pre- 
 tended lodge meetings. And we are 
 
65 TIM AND MRS TIM 
 
 very conservative, too, as no woman 
 can join us unless her husband be- 
 longs to at least three societies. We 
 do make exceptions where the hus- 
 band holds oiiice in tw^o, as experi- 
 ence has proven that in either of 
 these cases the wife is simply a con- 
 venience, tied to her home without 
 opportunity for relaxation or amuse- 
 ment. Within our society the neg- 
 lected wifefind s congenial compan- 
 ionship, similar to that which the 
 husband finds at the lodge. We not 
 only have our business meetings, but 
 our little social gatherings afterwards, 
 just as you men do in your societies ; 
 and just as we hear you men have 
 jokes at the expense of the w^omen at 
 your after meetings, so we women 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 69 
 
 have our little jokes at the expen^^e 
 of the men at our after meetings. " 
 
 *<But, my dear," broke in Tim, 
 ''this is going too far altogether. 
 We allow no sneers or jokes at 
 women in our meetin fs, I assure 
 
 you. 
 
 " Bosh !" said Mrs. Tim, so ener- 
 getically that Tim hastily jumped a 
 few feet further back; "don't tell 
 me. Have n't I heard you yourself 
 say that a dozen average men can't 
 get together for five minutes but first 
 one and then another of them will 
 crack a questionable joke or tell a 
 still more questionable story ; and if 
 It were not for the saving presence of 
 a good man or two in the crowd, 
 such jokes and such stories would 
 
70 TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 
 form the staple talk of the evening." 
 
 ** Nonsense, madam," said Tim, 
 indignantly, or rather with pretended 
 indignation, as he knew that what 
 she said was too often but too true. 
 ** I tell you you judge us too harshly 
 altogether. But suppose that what 
 you say is true, surely you women 
 are not going to copy such a dis- 
 graceful example." 
 
 ** Now, Tim," said Mrs. Tim ; 
 ^* you can be or pretend to be as in- 
 dignant as you like ; but all the 
 same you know the average man is 
 a bad lot ; and going so much to 
 society meetings, with their after- 
 dinner stories and drinking, does 
 not improve him. That is what I 
 repeat again, and you know in your 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 71 
 
 inmost heart that it is true. But as 
 to what we women do — well, our 
 meetings are secret, just the same as 
 your men's meetings are, and there- 
 fore your curiosity cannot be satis- 
 fied. There is one fact, however, 
 which I can tell you. At present I 
 only belong to this one society, and 
 we meet only once a w^eek ; so that 
 I am not quite as bad as you, for you 
 are out every night to one society or 
 the other. And here is another fact : 
 I would have been elected Presiding 
 Mistress of our Society but for one 
 failure. Our offices are assigned on 
 the basis of the number of societies 
 to which each husband belongs, and 
 Mrs. Harris was elected Presiding 
 Mistress because her husband be- 
 
72 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 longs to one more society than you 
 do." 
 
 Now Tim had heard of other hus- 
 bands asserting their dignity, as they 
 called it, and making their wives un- 
 derstand that as men they could not 
 and would not allow their actions to 
 be criticized by women, even if those 
 women did happen to be their wives. 
 
 Tim felt that now was the supreme 
 moment when he, too. should assert 
 his dignity, and give his wife to un- 
 derstand once and for all time that he 
 was to be free to go and come just as 
 he liked, without this continual carp- 
 ing and complaining on her part. 
 
 But there was something in the 
 cold, calculating, yet withal business- 
 like manner in which Mrs. Tim 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 73 
 
 looked and acted that made Tim 
 pause to think; and the more he 
 thought, the less incHned he seemed 
 to be to having a ** scene," as a 
 quarrel between man'ed people is 
 generally called. So he contented 
 himself by concentrating his remarks 
 into one sarcastic sentence : 
 
 ** Well, well ! this beats all I ever 
 heard. Little did I think that my 
 wife would ever become one of the 
 New Woman brigade." This last was 
 said in a somewhat bantering man- 
 ner. But Mrs. Tim was equal to the 
 occasion. She saw that the volcanic 
 eruption had in a measure thrown 
 Mr. Tim on the rocks, defenceless 
 as it were, and she thought it just as 
 well to bombard him a little further. 
 
74 TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 
 ** New Woman, indeed !" she ex- 
 claimed resentfully. Then more 
 softly, ** No, thank you, Tim. I'm 
 quite content to be your wife — the 
 loving, old-fashioned sort of fifteen 
 years ago — if you will only have it 
 so. But I'm only human, and if 
 you refuse me the companionship of 
 
 old days, I must look for it else- 
 where." 
 
 And leaving Tim to digest this 
 scene as best he might, Mrs. Tim 
 retired to rest. Tim himself soon 
 followed her example, as between 
 the lodge meeting, the after-lodge 
 social hour, and this most distres- 
 sing, if not exasperating, curtain 
 lecture from Mrs. Tim, he was, as 
 he expressed it, quite fagged out. 
 
TIM AND MRS, TIM 75 
 
 CHAPTER IV 
 
 RELATES MRS. TIM's IDEAS OF SOCIAL 
 HOURS AT LODGES ; HOW TIM BE- 
 CAME PARALYZED AT MRS. TIM's 
 
 outburst ; how tim dropped 
 ** society" work ; and how mrs. 
 tim herself became a famous 
 
 ** JOINER." 
 
 |UT Tim's loyalty to his 
 various lodges was too deep 
 to be uprooted by such 
 painful domestic scenes as herein de- 
 scribed, and he was soon as regular 
 an absentee as ever from his home. 
 Whereupon Mrs. Tim made ready to 
 give him a second surprise, as she 
 
U TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 was determined to wean him from 
 his societies and make him realize 
 his duties to his wife and family. 
 
 After considering various schemes, 
 she determined to give Tim a further 
 taste of his own medicine, and to 
 copy his example by becoming a 
 
 *^ Joiner." 
 
 She therefore sent in her applica- 
 tion and was gladly accepted as a 
 member of various societies — the W. 
 W. A. (the Weeping Wives Associa- 
 tion), which met every Tuesday ; the 
 S. E. O. M. (Society for the En- 
 couragement of Old Maids), which 
 met every Wednesday ; the W. W. 
 C. (Whirling Wheels Club), which 
 met every Thursday, and the W. S. 
 S. C. (Women's Social Science Club), 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 77 
 
 which met every Friday. She would 
 arrange matters at night so that, no 
 matter at what hour Mr. Tim might 
 return home, expecting no doubt to 
 find his wife sleeping the sleep of the 
 neglected, he would find Mrs. Tim 
 taking off her wraps, seem'ngly in 
 the best of humors, and informing 
 him that she had just returned from 
 a most interesting meeting of the S. 
 E. O. M., or one or other of the 
 various societies with which she was 
 connected. 
 
 **And Tim," she would ad4, 
 '* there is one feature of our meetings 
 which many of you men might copy 
 with advantage. We can do our 
 business and enjoy a~ social hour 
 afterwards without drinking liquor 
 
7i TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 
 or smoking tobacco. Just smell 
 your clothes nov/ — what a horrid 
 stale tobacco smell you have about 
 you. Phew ! Why, it is so bad 
 that I shall have to keep the win- 
 dows up all to-morrow morning, to 
 get the air in the room fresh again. 
 And there is your dress suit, which 
 you wore at the annual supper of the 
 Cheerful Chappies last week. I 
 should say you must have lived up 
 to your names that night, for be- 
 tween beer and tobacco smells, I had 
 to put the whole suit out on 
 the clothes line and let it stay 
 there two days, before it was fit 
 to hang up again in the clothec 
 closet." 
 
 Thus would Mrs. Tim rattle on, 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 79 
 
 hardly giving poor Tim a chance to 
 get a word in. 
 
 Another night, when Tim returned 
 home shortly after midnight, he 
 found his house one blaze of light. 
 The parlor maid, who was in the 
 h A\ as he came in, informed him 
 that the members of the W. W. A. 
 were holding their annual conversa- 
 zione. As Tim wended his way up 
 to his lonely chamber, he could not 
 help asking, What is there in a 
 name, anyhow?" Here were the 
 Weeping Wives holding high carni- 
 val, just as though they were the 
 happiest wives in the world. And 
 this opinion was more than ever con- 
 firmed when Tim had disrobed and 
 retired to bed— but not, alas, to 
 
80 TIM AND MRS* TIM 
 
 sleep, as the singing, and laughter, 
 and jolly time generally down stairs, 
 disturbed his slumbers until a still 
 later or rather earlier hour in the 
 morning. 
 
 Of course, this sort of thing could 
 not last. One day Tim made a des- 
 perate resolve. He purposely staid 
 home that evening from an import- 
 ant lodge meeting, so as to talk the 
 matter over quietly with Mrs. Tim. 
 But that estimable lady did not give 
 him the desired opportunity, for in a 
 short time Mr. Tim saw her coming 
 down stairs, arrayed for the street 
 and evidently going to some meet- 
 ing. Tim thought this was simply 
 outrageous, considering that he was 
 actually going to stay home himself 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM 8J 
 
 for the evening. Throwing his 
 calmness to the winds, he very soon 
 made Mrs. Tim know what he 
 thought of such conduct. 
 
 *^ And, madam," said he, in con- 
 clusion; ''this thing has got to 
 stop. You must stay at home in- 
 stead of going to so many meetings. 
 It is disgraceful to think of your 
 coming home so late at night without 
 an escort." 
 
 But this outbreak of temper on 
 Tim's part did not seem to discon- 
 cert Mrs. Tim in the least. 
 
 '* Well, Tim," she said, smilingly ; 
 you can call around and escort me 
 home, if you will kindly do so ;. 
 though from what I hear, we think 
 the wives can be trusted to come 
 
B2 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 home a good deal straighter than 
 their husbands." 
 
 *'Tut, tut! madam," said Tim; 
 ** that is simply another of your 
 nasty insinuations and ridiculous no- 
 tions." 
 
 *' Is it, indeed ?" queried Mrs. 
 Tim. '' Let me tell you, Tim," she 
 continued, '' that the members of the 
 A. S. R. H. have received a report 
 from a sub-investigating committee, 
 and some of the things they have 
 found out ought to make you blush. 
 Some of them are too horrid even to 
 discuss ; but there will surely be an 
 earthquake in more than one home 
 very soon unless the men behave 
 better. We are going in strongly 
 for an equal standard of morality for 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 the sexes ; and one of the first re- 
 forms we have determined on is that 
 the married men shall no longer be 
 among the best patrons of the loose 
 women of the town. They have 
 been warned, sr let them beware. 
 You men have had a good long in- 
 nings. For centuries, woman was 
 but the uncomplaining victim of 
 man's lust— a toy to be played with 
 and cast aside when no longer de- 
 sired. Although woman's position 
 is now better, it is certain that every 
 step in the advancement of woman 
 has been secured, not with man's 
 acquiescence, but through woman's 
 persistency. Hitherto man has set 
 the standard of morality. It is time 
 that woman had her turn in doing 
 
 If 
 
 
84 TIM AND MRS* TIM 
 
 this. What's that ? You think that 
 would be going from bad to worse ; 
 that the world would be worse if 
 women run it, than it is now when 
 men run it ? Of course that's just 
 like you men. You set a standard 
 for yourself, without giving a thought 
 to its effect upon the woman. A man 
 may be a drunkard or a sensual 
 brute ; and men will still receive him , 
 as one of themselves. But the 
 woman who is a drunkard or the 
 woman who is betrayed, is an out- 
 cast from society. What's that ? 
 You dare to say that this is largely 
 woman's fault ; that the women are 
 harsher on unfortunate and fallen 
 women than the men are on unfortu- 
 nate or sensual men ? Shame on 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM 85 
 
 you, Tim ! You well know there 
 are physical and psychological rea- 
 sons why women who disgrace them- 
 seWes through drink, or who depart 
 from the path of virtue, must be os- 
 tracized. What we demand is that 
 the same treatment shall be meted 
 out to men who act similarly. And 
 we shall get what we want in time. 
 It will be a hard, bitter fight; but 
 what care we for that. We are 
 already showings you in more ways 
 than one that woman is the equal if 
 not the superior of man in evei-y way. 
 Woman is more adapted for business 
 than man is. Too many of you men 
 think that woman is only fit to stay 
 at home and nurse the babies. But 
 we are showing you that this is not 
 
U TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 so. Women are supplanting men in 
 every walk of life. Of course you 
 will say that is all the worse for the 
 world and for women ; and that 
 women are only doing this because 
 they will work for less then men. I 
 know you, sir ! But instead of being 
 the worse for the world and for 
 women, we think it will be better. 
 If the men have to turn in and be- 
 come the domestic drudges, too often 
 the mere slaves, that women are at 
 home to-day, the men will see that 
 there is not quite so much work to 
 do or so many babies for the slaves 
 to mind. As to women working for 
 less than men, there may be a little 
 truth in that; but even this will be 
 remedied in time. Women are not 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM 87 
 
 preferred to men solely because they 
 are cheaper ; but because they are 
 steadier and more reliable. Women,, 
 as a rule, don't want to be tippling 
 and gambling at cards or at the 
 race-track. In time, the remunera- 
 tion of women will be raised to an 
 equality with that of men. 
 
 *' How are men going to marry,, 
 you ask, if women capture all the 
 best positions ? 
 
 ^* Pshaw! that is a played-out 
 proposition. If the men can't marry, 
 the women can. Then the women will 
 be able to have a little to say as to 
 what man they will or will not have ; 
 and that is more than a good many of 
 them have to-day. Now they are 
 only too eager to snap up the first 
 
88 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 man who offers himself, though too 
 frequently they know he will probably 
 make them miserable instead of happy 
 through life's journey. How many 
 thousands of the women of the lower 
 classes have to keep the men now ? 
 I tell you I absolutely shudder, nay, 
 I cry out in impotent rage, when I 
 contemplate the miseries, the trials, 
 the cruelties, which women with 
 drunken husbands have to endure. 
 Tiieir lords and masters must be kept 
 in liquor and tobacco. They must be 
 allowed to loaf around the street cor- 
 ners and attend political gatherings 
 under the thumbs of ward heelers, 
 who throw them a dollar or two at 
 election times, just as they would 
 throw a bone to a dog. That 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 89 
 
 is not rig-ht, you say. Of course 
 it is not, and we are determined 
 to stop it. If the women con- 
 tinue to be smarter than the men, 
 why man must come down from the 
 position of authority that he has 
 usurped for so long, and woman 
 must take his place as the best man 
 of the two. She is often that now, 
 and you cannot deny it either. 
 
 *' How are we going to bring all 
 these changes about, you ask, unless 
 we have women in parliament ? 
 
 '^ Why that is just what we intend 
 to have before very long. The 
 records of the proceedings at women's 
 conventions prove conclusively that 
 women are far better able to control 
 public assemblies than men are. The 
 
90 TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 
 time that is wasted in all the great 
 deliberate and governing bodies of 
 the civijized world, is something 
 awful to contemplate. The mountain 
 labors and brings forth a mouse, as 
 the old proverb has it. Days and 
 weeks arc frequently spent in parlia- 
 ment and in congress discussing 
 some matter of only ordinary im- 
 portance, but which the politicians 
 magnify into something o( the ut- 
 most national import. Finally, the 
 matter is passed into law in the form 
 of a statute^ and straightway the 
 lawyers fatten at the expense of the 
 public who attempt to take advan- 
 tage of the law. The law-advisers 
 of the crown or of congress, who 
 actually drew up the statute which is 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 91 
 
 passed into law, have drawn it up in 
 such a way as to purposely leave 
 some points open to dispute. In 
 fact it has passed into a proverb that 
 laws made by lawyers are made, not 
 for the benefit of the public gener- 
 ally, but for the benefit of the law- 
 yers particularly. And look at your 
 man-made laws with regard to 
 property and human rights. Every- 
 where throughout the civilized world 
 magistrates have fallen into the habit 
 of regarding property as of much 
 more value and deserving of much 
 greater consideration than when a 
 mere human being is concerned. In 
 Germany, Vvomen can be seen work- 
 ing in the fields or drawing bricks 
 and mortar for buildings, while their 
 
92 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 lords and masters stand and look on, 
 directing them in their work, and 
 cahnly and contentedly smoking their 
 pipes. In England the treatment 
 accorded to women is notorious, and 
 a disgrace to the nation. Almost 
 every day one can find records of vio- 
 lent assaults on wives by drunken and 
 brutal husbands, who are allowed off 
 on payment of a fine ; while vagrants 
 found committing the terrible offence 
 of sleeping out in a field or under 
 the shelter of a doorway, are sent to 
 prison for six months or more, with- 
 out the option of a fine. Yes, I tell 
 you, Tim, it is time the women had 
 a hand in the making of the laws 
 and in the appointing of the magis- 
 trates. There would then be more 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 93 
 
 justice administered than there is at 
 present. Factory acts, license laws, 
 and other laws would then be more 
 honestly and impartially administered 
 than they are to-day. Don't you 
 dare laugh at me, sir ! You are not 
 laughing, you say. Well, it looked 
 very much like it, that is all I can 
 say. And now that you have got 
 me started on the wrongs and rights 
 of women — well, if I didn't know that 
 the members of the S. E. O. M. were 
 waiting for me to open their annual 
 convention at the Y. W. C. T. U. 
 hall, I don't know but that I would 
 talk to you all night." 
 
 ** Kind heaven be than.ked for Old 
 Maids," said Tim to himself; **if 
 a meeting for their encouragement 
 
94 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 is to be the means of spari nor 
 me the infliction of an all nii^-ht 
 lecture on Woman's Rights ! " 
 
 But Mrs. Tim was not yet quite 
 through. Although she had discov- 
 ered that she was already twent}' 
 minutes late for the meeting in ques- 
 tion, she had to give Tim one part- 
 ing shot before leaving the house. 
 
 **And here is another fact I want to 
 tell you, although I do not suppose 
 you are ignorant of it. The other day 
 a member of our society saw six kegs 
 of lager, sixteen dozen bottles of ale, 
 and three cases of what looked like 
 
 * House of Commons Scotch,' or 
 
 * Walker's Club' whisky, carried into 
 the hall \vhere you meet. I remem- 
 bered afterwards that you attended a 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 95 
 
 meeting- of the Select Few that night 
 
 and that you came home about t\\ o 
 
 o'clock the next morning. Why, it 
 was a wonder surely that you were 
 able to find your w^ay home at all. 
 Nor can you be surprised at the 
 wives being determined to put a stop 
 to such carousing." 
 
 This onslaught of Mrs. Tim's 
 brought vividly to Tim's mind the 
 truch of Shakespeare's lines : 
 
 Have I not in a pitched battle heard 
 Loud 'larums, neighing steeds, and trum- 
 pets' clang ? 
 And do you tell me of a woman's tongue ? 
 
 Of course Tim had to repeat these 
 lines to Mrs. Tim, with the remark 
 that they were evidently as true to- 
 day as they were a few hundred years 
 
96 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 Not to be undone, Mrs. Tim re- 
 torted with an original couplet : 
 
 Tfm 's happy—his laugh has quite a sweet 
 ripple — 
 
 When his lodge night comes, for then he can 
 tipple. 
 
 And thus the merry domestic war 
 went on. 
 
 ** You women," said Tim, finally, 
 ''had better confine your efforts in 
 the proper direction. I tell you, 
 most emphatically, that I will not 
 brook further interference from you 
 in this matter." 
 
 Then, as he floundered around for 
 some convincing- point to clinch his 
 argument, a sudden thought struck 
 him, and he added : 
 
 ** Remember, madam that on 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 97 
 
 your wedding day you promised to 
 obey your husband." 
 
 But Mrs. Tim was equal to the 
 
 emergency. 
 
 *' And what did Tim promise on 
 his Avedding day ?" she asked. '' I 
 don't forget, if you do, Tim. Here 
 are the words : * Wilt thou have this 
 woman to thy wedded wife? . . . Wilt 
 thou love her, comfort her, honor, 
 and keep her in sickness and in 
 health ; and, forsaking all other, 
 keep thee only unto her, so long as 
 ye both shall live ? ' 
 
 ** Ah, yes, Tim," she continued ; 
 **I fancy I can again see the dear 
 old minister standing before us and 
 repeating again that solemn and 
 beautiful wedding" service. And not 
 
93 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 •only did my husband make this 
 promise on his wedding day, but he 
 kept his promise for years. Never 
 -was a happier wife than I was. 
 Never a wife so proud of her hus- 
 band. And it is only since you have 
 joined the societies, and gone almost 
 society crazy, that you have forgot- 
 ten your marriage vow and neglected 
 your wife. Not that I have so much 
 cause to complain as many another 
 poor neglected, down-trodden v.ife. 
 You are Q-ood as i^old to me in times 
 of sickness, but I want you to be so 
 in time of health as well. Throw 
 over your societies, Tim, and be 
 again the loving husband you once 
 were." 
 
 To say that this outburst para- 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 9? 
 
 Ivzed Tim would be to put the 
 case quite moderately. If there 
 was one thing more than another 
 that he disliked, it was these now 
 frequently recurring curtain lec- 
 tures. Still, he was man enough to 
 acknowledge to himself that, after 
 all, his wife really had some cause 
 for complaint ; that it was not just 
 exactly right, to put it mildly, for 
 him to leave his home night after 
 night, to attend some society or go 
 to^the club. And he quietly decided 
 to stop taking an active part in soci- 
 ety work, and to visit the club less 
 frequently. This idea he carried out 
 as soon as practicable. In a few 
 months he had come to be quite 
 home-bird again. 
 
JOO TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 
 He w;\s, however, more than as- 
 tonished to find that this action on 
 his part was not regarded with the 
 feelings of gratitude on the part of 
 his wife that he considered it should 
 have received. Man-like, being one 
 of *the lords o' the creation,' as Burns 
 puts it, he looked on his action as a 
 great sacrifice. He expected nothing 
 more nor less than that Mrs. Tim 
 would go into ecstacies over it. But 
 to his amazement Mrs. Tim did not 
 seem to notice it at all. Nay, to 
 make matters worse, she continued 
 to attend her own numerous society 
 meetings with the utmost regularity. 
 This w^as turning the tables on Tim 
 with a vengeance. He, poor fellow, 
 was now left to discover what it was 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM m 
 
 to spend night after night in lonely 
 blessedness. 
 
 The fact was that Mrs. Tim had 
 herself unconsciously imbibed the 
 <* society" fever. Just as Tim 
 was tearing himself away from 
 active participation in society af- 
 fairs, Mrs. Tim was entering 
 more and more into active work 
 in every society to which she be- 
 longed. Indeed, not content with 
 this, she about this time joined the S. 
 S. S's (Society for the Suppression of 
 Smokers), and sixteen other church, 
 national or benevolent societies or 
 institutions. Local meetings of 
 these societies took up quite a little 
 time. To make matters worse, 
 conventions or annual meetings of 
 
102 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 one or other of them were constantly 
 taking Mrs. Tim to various cities, 
 anywhere from fifty to fifteen hun- 
 dred miles away from home, necessi- 
 tating an absence each time of from 
 two days to six weeks. 
 
 Tim was philosopher enough to 
 recognize the avenging hand o( 
 Nemesis in all this. He felt that the 
 gaunt specter of Retributive Justice 
 was after him with a vengeance. He 
 therefore adopted the very wise policy 
 of saying little, but that did not pre- 
 vent him thinking a good deal. 
 
 The result of his thinking was 
 that he decided to bring matters to a 
 head, no matter what the result 
 might be. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM toa 
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 HOW TIM PREPARED A DOMESTIC 
 EARTHQUAKE ; HOW THE EARTH-^ 
 QUAKE FINALLY CAME ; AND THE. 
 RESULT THEREOF. 
 
 FEW short months befo-e^ 
 it was Mrs. Tim who had 
 decided that nothino* but a. 
 few domestic cyclonic disturbances 
 would bring Mr. Tim to his senses. 
 Now, it was Mr. Tim who had ar- 
 rived at the conclusion that a domes- 
 tic earthquake would be necessary to^ 
 cause Mrs. Tim to return to the 
 ordinary avocations of a faithful wife 
 and a loving mother. 
 
i04 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 But Tim was evidently not the 
 only person who was of the opinion 
 that some drastic measure was neces- 
 sary to tear Mrs. Tim from the 
 course on which she had entered. 
 Tim's earthquake came, but in a 
 most unexpected and unlooked-for 
 manner. 
 
 Hesiod, the celebrated Greek poet, 
 who flourished seven hundred years 
 before the Christian era, tells us of 
 
 Aerial spirits, by great Jove design'd 
 
 To be on earth the guardians of mankind ; 
 
 Invisible to mortal eyes they go, 
 
 And mark our actions, good or bad, below ; 
 
 The immortal spies with watchful care pre- 
 side. 
 
 And thrice ten thousand round their charges 
 glide ; 
 
 They can reward with glory or with gold, 
 
 A power they by Divine permission hold. 
 
 A similar idea is held even to- 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM JOS 
 
 day. Many people believe that every 
 person has his or her guardian angel. 
 This angel watches over us, keeps 
 us out of temptation, if possible; and, 
 when necessary, gives us a more or 
 less gentle hint in the way of a re- 
 minder when we stray from the 
 straight path of duty. 
 
 Mrs. Tim's guardian angel evi- 
 dently thought it was time to give her 
 a hint that she had strayed from the 
 straight path of duty. In this case, 
 the angel, curiously enough, agreed 
 with Tim that the lesson must be a 
 severe one, to be of any real practical 
 use. 
 
 Tim, no doubt, would have taken 
 measures entirely ineffectual to ac- 
 complish the needed reformation. 
 
106 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 He might have turned the tables on 
 Mrs. Tim, and taken to curtain lec- 
 tures, a la Caudle. If that proved 
 ineffectual, as most likely it would, 
 he might have adopted others 
 of Mrs. Tim's schemes. He might 
 have locked the front door, the back 
 door, and every door in the house, as 
 well as every window upstairs and 
 down. But a woman's wit is equal 
 if not superior to a man's in every 
 circumstance oi life ; and Mrs. Tim 
 would undoubtedly have circumvent- 
 ed Mr. Tim in any plan he could 
 have taken to bring her to a realiza- 
 tion of her duty. Therefore, it was 
 absolutely necessary that the guar- 
 dian angel should take a hand in the 
 game. 
 
TIM AND MRS* TIM 107 
 This decision on tiie part o( the 
 angel completely upset Mr. Tim's 
 plans. Moreover, the lesson was 
 much more drastic than Tim had 
 either anticipated or desired. 
 
 Tim was to experience the truth of 
 the saying that man is not the 
 arbiter of his own destiny. Mrs. Tim 
 was to be warned, but Mr. Tim was 
 not consulted as to when or in what 
 manner the warning should be given. 
 Such warnini^s are sometimes 
 given directly, sometimes indirectly. 
 Mrs. Tim's warning was to come to 
 her indirectly. Many a person re- 
 ceives a similar warning — too many 
 take little or no notice of it. They 
 think because the warning is given 
 indirectly, because they do not suffer 
 
108 * TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 directly, that the warning cannot be 
 for them. On the other hand, sv^me 
 people are undoubtedly more affect- 
 ed if the warning comes in the shape 
 of danger to a loved one, than if 
 they themselves suffered directly. 
 Perhaps Mrs. Tim's guardian angel 
 thought she was a person of this de- 
 scription. However that may be, 
 the angel's warning came in the na- 
 ture of a most serious illness to her 
 youngest child Violet, a sweet little 
 cherub, five years of age. 
 
 Little Violet, being the baby, was 
 a great pet with all, but more espec- 
 ially with her mother, up to the time 
 when Mrs. Tim had developed most 
 pronounced symptoms of the ^* Join- 
 er" fever. Since that time poor 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM J09 
 
 Violet had been more or less neglect- 
 ed. It could not be expected that 
 Mrs. Tim would think of neglecting 
 her society duties for the sake of at- 
 tending as much as usual to her 
 family duties. Perish the thought ! 
 Besides, was not Mr. Tim at home 
 now to attend to family matters? 
 Certainly. Then why should she 
 trouble about them? Therefore, 
 Mrs. Tim now rivalled Mr. Tim's 
 late faithful attendance on lodge 
 meetings. The word *' moderation'* 
 was still in their dictionary. '' Tem- 
 perance in ail things" was also a 
 capital phrase. It sounded well. 
 And Mrs. Tim took good care to re- 
 quire both moderation and temper- 
 ance in the lodge room and at soci.-^ 
 
itO TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 ety meeting's. If any unfortunate 
 ** sister" was tempted to become too 
 verbose and to wander from the sub- 
 ject in hand while debating, Mrs. Tim 
 would bring her sharply to time with 
 the remark that only speeches of 
 moderate length would be tolerated. 
 If another ** sister" would indulge 
 in unparliamentary language, as both 
 men and women will sometimes do 
 in the heat of debate, Mrs. Tim 
 would throw oil on the troubled 
 waters by intimating that ** Sister 
 Plain Speaker should remember that 
 temperance in all things is desirable, 
 and nowhere more so than while 
 speaking." But so far as her attend- 
 ance on lodges and societies was 
 concerned, poor Tim could see nei- 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM »» 
 
 ther moderation nor temperance. 
 But just as Mrs. Tim began to 
 <rive the care of her child over more 
 and more to the nurse, Tim began to 
 take a greater interest in his sweet 
 little girl, as ho called her. Night 
 after night, when they were left 
 alone by Mrs. Tim, he began to re- 
 alize that that lady, in days gone 
 by, liad indeed good cause to com- 
 plain of his continual attendance 
 on lodges. He could not, of course, 
 leave the house while Mrs. Tim was 
 out. So he had little to do but read 
 and think and nurse his schemes of 
 vengeance. But the more he consi- 
 dered his grievances, and then re- 
 membered that Mrs. Tim had had 
 exactly the same lonely hours to 
 
U2 TIM AND MRS* TIM 
 
 pass, and exactly the same grievance 
 against him — well, being a fair-mind- 
 ed man, his desire for vengeance be- 
 gan gradually to fade away. In time 
 he became of the opinion that he de- 
 served all he was getting — that, in 
 fact, Mrs. Tim did not deserve any 
 punishment. 
 
 But Tim was not the only person 
 Mrs. Tim had to reckon with. Her 
 guardian angel had been taking notes 
 of her case* The time had come to 
 sound a warning — a warning, more- 
 over, that should not be for Mrs. 
 Tim alone, but for Mr. Tim as well. 
 Tim, it was true, now had an idea of 
 what moderation and temperance 
 really meant. But he had not al- 
 ways had that idea. His lack of 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 113 
 
 knowledge in this respect had caused 
 Mrs. Tim many weary, weary hours 
 of anxiety. In fact, it was primarily 
 the cause of Mrs. Tim's straying 
 from the path of duty, as she had 
 done. Mr. Tim should be punished 
 as well as Mrs. Tim. If anything, 
 indeed, he deserved it more. 
 
 One evening, when Tim returned 
 from the office, he wvas greeted by 
 the nurse with the unpleasant news 
 that little Violet had been ill all day. 
 The nurse added that she thought 
 the symptoms were decidedly unfav- 
 orable. This was bad news for Tim. 
 He knew that his wife had left the 
 house with her wheel early in the 
 morning, before he had left for the 
 office, to take a ** century" spin with 
 
3?4 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 some other equally as enthusiastic 
 members of the W. W. C. Her re- 
 turn a few moments after Tim's ar- 
 rival home, did not tend to sweeten 
 his temper. On the contrary, he 
 embraced the opportunity of callinq* 
 Mrs. Tim's attention to the manner 
 in which she was neglecting her 
 duties as a mother. But Mrs. Tim 
 was not in the humor to take any of 
 his impudence. She was altogether 
 too happy after having accomplished 
 a ** century" run. 
 
 ^^ Oi course," she said; *Mt is 
 really too bad that Violet had to be 
 taken ill just because I happened to 
 be away for the day. But, oh ! 
 Tim," she continued, fairly efferves- 
 cing in her excitable happiness ; 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 115 
 ♦* we had just a lovely run ! Only 
 two out of the six of us that started 
 were able to fmish the * century' on 
 our wheels. The other four had 
 more or less interesting experi- 
 ences. One of them had a bad tum- 
 ble, and had the fork of her bicycle 
 broken. Another had the misfortune 
 to have the tube of her front wheel 
 blow out ; while the other two, after 
 doino- the first fiftv miles, were so 
 tired out, that they had to come 
 back on the trolley." 
 
 On account of Violet's alarming 
 condition, Tim was much disgusted 
 at this exhibition of liveliness on his 
 wife's part. 
 
 ** I think, madam," he said, ''in 
 view of your daughter's condition, 
 
11 6 TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 
 you might forego these no doubt to 
 you most mteresting reminiscences 
 of your run." 
 
 **Well, Tim," said Mrs. Tim; 
 " I 'm sure you need not be so cross 
 and crabbed. Many a time I have 
 had to bear the brunt of looking 
 after the children when they have 
 been indisposed, while you were en- 
 joying yourself at lodge, and would 
 not come home till one or two o'clock 
 in the morning ; and then you would 
 be so tired and cross, either from 
 lodge work, or from lodge work, smoke 
 and drink combined, as to be only 
 too glad to retire with a mere expres- 
 sion of your hope that the sick child 
 would be better in the morning. 
 
 ** Yes, Tim," she continued, warm- 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 117 
 
 ing up as she proceeded ; '' we have 
 heard a good deal lately of the ' cur- 
 few' bell, to keep children off the 
 streets at nights. But I tell you the 
 next move of the women's societies 
 will be to have a curfew bell law for 
 keeping men off the streets at nights. 
 The older men need such a law just 
 as much as the younger men. Hus- 
 bands have no right to be away from 
 home night after night ; and if they 
 won't stay home through the exer- 
 cise of their own common sense of 
 right and the pleadings of their wives, 
 we shall have to make them do so 
 through the passing of a law. You 
 may laugh, sir, if you like ; but we 
 mean * business,' as you will find out 
 before very long. 
 
 / 
 
\. 
 
 118 TIM AND MRS TIM 
 
 '*Alas," said Tim to himself; 
 ** how one's misdeeds in the past are 
 continually being brought before 
 them as time goes on. I have often 
 heard the text, * Cast thy bread upon 
 the waters ; for thou shalt find it 
 after many days.' I am now more 
 than ever convinced that the deeds, 
 whether of good or evil, that we cast 
 upon the waters, return to us after 
 many days." 
 
 What, indeed, could Tim say to 
 his wife? As she had said, many 
 and many a night he had left her 
 alone, with the full care of the house 
 upon her shoulders. With the 
 Oriental, he could only say ** Kis- 
 met" — It is fate. 
 
 In the meantime the uurse bad 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 119 
 been despatched for the doctor. 
 When the doctor came, he agreed 
 that the nurse's opinion was only too 
 well founded ; that the child seemed 
 to be on the verge of an attack of 
 fever. 
 
 This was most distressing- news to 
 Mrs. Tim. That gcjd lady had ar- 
 ranged to leave on the midnight 
 train the very next evening for the 
 City of Equality, where the annual 
 convention of the S. S. S's was to be 
 held. At this convention some most 
 important alterations in the constitu-- 
 tion were likely to be made at the 
 suggestion of Mrs. Tim. She there- 
 fore followed the doctor down stairs 
 and interviewed him before his de- 
 parture. She explained how she had 
 
120 TIM AND MRS, TIM 
 
 planned to leave on the midnight 
 train next evening, and that it was 
 the more i.iiportant for her to be 
 present, as there was going to be op- 
 position to the proposed amend- 
 ments. 
 
 It so happened that the doctor 
 was a rather gruff gentleman ; one 
 of the old school, who believed in 
 moderation and temperance ; who 
 could enjoy his pipe after a hard 
 day's siege of visiting among the 
 many varieties of patients that such 
 dear old fellows have. He listened 
 quietly to all that Mrs. Tim had to 
 say. When she pressed him for an 
 opinion as to whether it w^ould be 
 advisable for her to go or stay, he was 
 not at all diplomatic in his answer. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM t2\ 
 ^*Well, madam/he said; ''I do 
 not pretend to dictate to you. You 
 know your own business best. But 
 if it was my child that was ill in bed, 
 as Violet is, and if it was my wife 
 who was asking me if she could 
 leave her at such a time, to at- 
 tend a convention of the kind 
 you have described, I should most 
 emphatically say * No ! Let your 
 convention go. Throw your am- 
 endments to the four winds of 
 heaven, and stay home and mind 
 
 your child ! ' " 
 
 But Mrs. Tim knew the old doc- 
 tor. Moreover, she was bent on 
 going to that convention, Oi she 
 would know the reason why. bne 
 laughingly recalled Richter's saying: 
 
t22 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 *' A woman is the most inconsistent 
 compound of obstinacy and self-sac- 
 rifice that I am acquainted with." She 
 proceeded to give the doctor an illus- 
 lustration of the truth of Lessing's 
 couplet : 
 
 m^^ hntf tin ^cibcrkopf txUchi, ^a& er 
 llicht z\x bcedtoncn tousste ? 
 
 What could a woman's head contrive, 
 Which it would not know how to excuse ? 
 
 Therefore, instead of bidding the doc- 
 tor farewell, she began to coax him. 
 *<But doctor," she said; *Mt is 
 really most important that I should 
 o-o to this convention. Some of the 
 other delegates who have supported 
 me in the past will be more than dis- 
 appointed if I am not present. 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM i2Z 
 
 Don't you think now, doctor, that I 
 might go, if we hire a trained nurse 
 to attend on Violet ? As you said a 
 few moments ago, you hardly know 
 yourself yet whether her illness will 
 assume a serious form or not. Per- 
 haps it will pass off ; and I should 
 certainly be home again before the 
 symptoms can assume a serious na- 
 ture. Come now, doctor, I will 
 leave it to you to get the best trained 
 nurse you can secure, and I can go, 
 
 can't 1 ? " 
 
 When cornered in this way by an 
 old and valued patient, and one for 
 whom personally he had a great regard 
 (although he swore softly under his 
 breath at her infatuation with society 
 work), the doctor could only say 
 
124 TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 that he would get the best nurse 
 available, and that between them 
 they would do the best they could 
 with their patient. 
 
 Tim was furious when Mrs. Tim 
 informed him a little later on, that 
 she had decided that the convention 
 was too important for her to miss ; 
 and that she had arranged with the 
 doctor to secure a professional nurse 
 until her return home. 
 
 ** How can you think of such a 
 thing for a moment, madam ?" he 
 said; **you, a wife and mother, 
 leaving home at such a moment ? 
 Why, the idea is outrageous ; nay, 
 indecent. If I had read of such a 
 thing in a novel, I should have 
 treated the idea with scorn and con- 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 125 
 
 tempt ; and now here is my own wife 
 actually proposing it herself. Why, 
 I can not bring myself to think that 
 you are in earnest." 
 
 But Mrs. Tim was most decidedly 
 in earnest. Mr. Tim came to be- 
 lieve so himself when he found that 
 his appeals for her to stay were of no 
 avail. As the appointed train time 
 approached, Mrs. Tim departed in 
 the carriage for the station. Let us 
 leave the convention, with Mrs. 
 Tim's amendments, and return to 
 Tim and his troubles. p 
 
 Little Violet's illness developed 
 much quicker than was anticipated. 
 Within a few days of Mrs. Tim's de- 
 parture, the child's symptoms had 
 assumed a most decided turn for the 
 
{26 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 worse ; although the doctor did not 
 yet despair of a favorable result and 
 of the ultimate recovery of the 
 patient. 
 
 But despite the care and attention 
 which the little patient received, she 
 gradually grew weaker ; until one 
 day the doctor said to Tim : ** Tele- 
 graph for your wife to come home at 
 once, if she wants to see her little 
 girl before she dies." 
 
 This was heart-rending news to 
 Tim. Of course he sent the telegram 
 at ouce, nor could he help adding a 
 few words showing the bitterness in 
 his heart that such a thing should 
 have happened. But Mrs. Tim was 
 sufficiently punished without Tim's 
 words to add to her grief. It so 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM U7 
 happened that she received the tele- 
 gram in the morning, but there was 
 no train leaving till night ; nor 
 could she reach home till the second 
 day following. Ah ! what was her 
 grief when she thought w hat might 
 happen in those three days ! Per- 
 haps her sweet little girl, her own 
 little darling, might be dead before 
 she could reach her bedside. Why 
 had she not stayed at home to nurse 
 her, instead of leaving her entirely 
 to the care of hired nurses? It 
 was an express train on which she 
 travelled home ; but how slow it 
 seemed to go ! Every moment was 
 an hour to the now anxious and sor- 
 rowing mother ; and at intervals she 
 vowed that if her little girl w^as only 
 
128 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 spared, she would give up her soci- 
 eties and be the wife and mother of 
 olden days. 
 
 In the meantime little Violet's ill- 
 ness continued to assume a more 
 serious character. The night before 
 the arrival oi the mother, the doctor 
 had given up all hopes. The only 
 consolation he could give to the 
 heart-broken father was, that if she 
 lived past the midnight hour, she 
 would undoubtedly recover. 
 
 There was an anxious group hov- 
 ering in the vicinity of the sick-room 
 that !iight. Poor Tim was there, 
 and the doctor, and the nurse, con- 
 stantly w^atching the little sufferer as 
 she lay hovering between life and 
 death. Telegrams from his wife ap- 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 129 
 prised Tim that she was speediug" 
 home as fast as the train could carry 
 her, and would arrive by the first 
 train the following* morning. 
 
 Midnight at length arrived, and 
 the doctor had tip-toed from the sick- 
 room to whisper to poor Tim that 
 there was no change for the better to 
 report. He could not bring himself 
 to tell the poor father that, so far as 
 he could see, there was absolutely no 
 hope — that there seemed no life left 
 in the weak frame of the little pa- 
 tient. All that he could do was to 
 give it as his professional opinion 
 that the fever had undoubtedly spent 
 itself, and that although he could 
 hold out but little hope of recovery, 
 still while there was life there was 
 
t30 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 hope. In fact, that if the child lived 
 till the morning, she would undoubt- 
 edly recover. This was poor conso- 
 lation, indeed ; but just as a drown- 
 ing person will catch at a straw, so 
 Tim lived on this ray of hope. Deep 
 and heartfelt, therefore, was his joy, 
 when about four o'clock in the morn- 
 ing the doctor came again and re- 
 ported that the child was indeed 
 alive, was then enjoying a calm 
 sleep, that the danger was passed, 
 and that there was every probability 
 that she would soon be restored 
 again to health and strength. 
 
 The telegrams from his wife had 
 advised Tim that she was in a most 
 desperate state of grief at the unex- 
 pected and serious turn that their 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM J3I 
 daughter's illness had assumed. All 
 his anger having evaporated in his 
 joy over his daughter's recovery, 
 Tim took the very sensible course of 
 going to the station to meet the 
 train, so that he himself might be 
 the first to greet his wife with the 
 good news of Violet's escape from 
 the hands of the grim reaper Death. 
 We will draw a veil over the meet- 
 ing of husband and wife, and of the 
 events that followed. Suffice it to 
 say that Mrs. Tim was in such an 
 hysterical state, that it was three 
 days before the doctor would give 
 permission for her to be admitted to 
 the sick-room. Nothing, he said, 
 would do the sick child more harm 
 than to be unduly excited, as would 
 
532 TIM AND MRS- TIM 
 
 be the case if her mother was allowed 
 to see her until she herself had some- 
 what recovered from the condition 
 into which she had worked herself 
 since the receipt of the telegframs 
 announcing Violet's danger. 
 
 It was weeks before little Violet 
 had thoroughly recovered from her 
 illness. She had, indeed, as the 
 doctor said, passed through the A^al- 
 ley of the shadow of death. During 
 her long term uf convalescence it is 
 hardly necessary to say that neither 
 husband or wife gave a thought to 
 society affairs. The interference of 
 the guardian angel had its effect. 
 The lesson was appreciated by both 
 husband and wife. 
 
 The ultimate result of their expe- 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM U3 
 
 riences was the very sensible agree- 
 ment that, in the future, home duties 
 should have the first call upon their 
 time and attention. This agreement 
 did not necessitate their becoming 
 recluses. They had merely to do what 
 every person might well do — exercise 
 discretion in the apportionment of 
 their time between prayer, praise, 
 work, recreation and sleep. 
 
 ,,j^h^ •* 
 
t34 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 CHAPTER VI 
 
 HOW TIM, IN EXPRESSIVE VERSE, COM- 
 MEMORATED THE RETURN OF WHITE- 
 WINGED PEACE TO HIS DOMICILE. 
 
 lEARS later, while sorting 
 some old papers in his 
 desk, Tim came across the 
 following lines. He remembered 
 that he had written them at the time 
 when he and his wife had many a 
 domestic ** scene," and when each 
 gave the other many a good ** curtain 
 lecture" over his or her fascination for 
 societies and society work : 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 135 
 
 I've a story to tell — 
 
 I'll tell it in rhyme — 
 Tm sure if you read it, 
 
 You'll not miss the time. 
 It's all about Tim and 
 
 His sweet little wife ; 
 And the troubles they had on 
 
 Their journey through life. 
 
 I must premise for your information, 
 That early in life Tim made affirmation, 
 He'd never touch liquor in all his life. 
 (He still kept this pledge when he took a wife.) 
 But, alas for Tim ; alas for his bride ! 
 Before very long he was sorely tried. 
 He joined a lodge, and after the meeting, 
 The • boys ' would drink to the toast : " Here's 
 
 greeting ! " 
 Tim would not join with these drinkers at first ; 
 Some of them drank so, he thought they 
 
 would burst. 
 But *' Evil commun'cations corrupt good 
 
 manners." ^ 
 
 In time he ranged himself 'neath their banners. 
 
J36 TIM AND MRS, TIM 
 
 This was quite bad enough ; but to make 
 
 things worse, 
 He join'd six other lodges — and that prov'd a 
 
 curse. 
 In every lodge, after " working," they'd 
 
 smoke, 
 And heart'ly laugh at some ' chestnutty ' joke. 
 Others again to the bar-room would roam — 
 There they'd spend hours, when they ought 
 
 to be home. 
 Tim soon became one of the worst of the 
 
 gang. 
 After *' working, '' he smok'd, laugh'd, drank 
 
 and sang. 
 The worst of it was, 'twould often be four, 
 Ere he arrived at the front of his door. 
 Such conduct as this was not to be borne : 
 No wonder his wife look'd sad and forlorn. 
 
 She reasoned and argued. 
 And she argued and reasoned ; 
 
 But our Tim by this time. 
 Was so thoroughly seasoned, 
 
 That he turned a deaf ear 
 To his wife's lamentations. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM J37 
 
 And paid no attention 
 To her vociferations. 
 
 In self-defense, his wife at last 
 
 Resorted to a scheme. 
 Some of her friends— they thought it good ; 
 
 And some— they thought it mean. 
 Her scheme was simple in its way : v 
 
 She'd copy Tim's example, * * 
 
 And join a few societies — . v 
 
 Perhaps fourteen would be ample ! 
 Then Tim could stay home every night, 
 
 While she went out to lodge. 
 If he objected, she'd take means 
 
 To see he didn't dodge ! 
 And as if 'twas her intention 
 
 To draw Tim on to fight ; 
 In the day time she went * biking,' 
 
 To lodge she went at night. 
 
 '^ii,.-^ ■^ «**»*i.* ■»". %,, , 
 
 One day, however, Tim resolved 
 lo start a revolution. ^ 
 
 For their present mode of life, there 
 Should be a substitution. 
 
J38 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 Without further loss of time, then^ 
 He determined to tempt fate. 
 
 With his wife that night he had a 
 Conversation tete-a-tete. 
 
 TIM — 
 
 I really think, my dearest wife. 
 
 We had better have a talk. 
 (If the house is close and stuffy, 
 
 We can take a little walk.) 
 It certainly will better be, 
 
 To know just where we stand : 
 If we keep on as we're going, 
 
 Our noise will beat the band. 
 
 MRS. TIM — 
 
 If you mean thatjw/ make all the noise^ 
 
 You'd say just what was right ; 
 For lately, much to my vexation, 
 
 I've had no time to fight. 
 IVe been too busy with the ' sisters,' 
 
 A laying down the law. 
 Now I've neither time nor inclination 
 
 To listen to your 'jaw.' 
 
TIM AND MRS, TIM i^9 
 
 TIM — 
 
 You're assuredly mc st impudent, 
 
 To talk that way to me. 
 I wish you to understand, madam, 
 I'm your husband -do you see? 
 And if you will, I'd have you listen- 
 Twill not take very long- 
 To an improvised verse I heard, 
 Of a well-known topical song. 
 
 I don't mind wifey going to lodge 
 
 Two or three nights a week. 
 Perhaps she thinks that is the way 
 
 True happiness to seek. 
 If it pleases her, I'm satisfied— 
 
 I've nothing more to say. 
 She can go on Monday, Tuesday, 
 
 And even on Thursday. 
 It's very certain she must be 
 
 Delighted with the ' work ; ' 
 For when I see her home again. 
 
 She's happy as a Turk. 
 But when she wants to go to lodge 
 Three other nights each week— 
 i draw the line at that, and say 
 A remedy I'll seek. 
 
J40 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 MRS. TIM — 
 
 Ah ! Ah ! that's very good, my dear ; 
 But you're not as smart as you look. 
 You foolish man, you ought to know, 
 
 I can read you just like a book ! 
 You're quite indignant at your wife — 
 You'd have us all think so, at least. 
 Now that may be so, 
 But this also I know — 
 It's time that this raillery ceased. 
 
 MR. TIM — 
 
 I protest — 
 
 MRS. TIM — 
 
 I defy you, sir ! 
 
 MR. TIM — 
 
 I refuse to be ignored. 
 (Sotto voce) I must try and think of something 
 
 That will some relief afford. 
 (Aloud) I warn you, madam, and I trust 
 
 This caution will have effect. 
 'Twill be perilous work for you, if 
 
 My advances you reject. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM t4t 
 
 MRS. TIM — 
 
 I'm sorry to see that your mem'ry mu .t 
 
 Be getting very poor. 
 Or you wouldn't forget it's not so long, 
 
 Since 'twas I who had the floor ; 
 And begged of you, aye, on my bended 
 
 knees, 
 
 At home with me to stay. 
 But your lodge was your life-it seemed as if 
 
 You could not stay away. 
 Now >'^« have the floor, and can weep and 
 
 wail, 
 And threaten too, 1 see. 
 Tim, I hear some friends in the drawing room, 
 
 Perhaps they'll stay to tea. 
 So I'll leave you now ; but, before I go, 
 
 I simply wish to say, 
 Your threats won't have much effect upon me. 
 
 'Gainst them I'm proof. Good-day ! 
 
 Tim said to himself, - It seems to me, 
 
 We're not much progress making. 7 
 
 Can it possibly be— now let me see- 
 That I'm not the right course taking ? 
 
 
J42 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 *Tis true, as she said, once on a time, 
 
 'Twas she who had the floor, 
 And instead of paying attention to her, 
 
 I walk'd right out of the door. 
 So atter all, perhaps its really 
 
 A sort of retribution ; 
 Which is only natural, seeing that I 
 
 Believe in evolution. 
 Now when Mrs. Tim comes back again, 
 
 I'll take quite a difTrent stand. 
 I'll agree with everything she says ; 
 
 And won't even mention 'band.' 
 I'll say that I was a very bad man, 
 
 In the days of long ago. 
 In payment for all my misdeeds then, 
 
 I've suffered much grief and woe. 
 If we can but bridge this quarrel o'er^ 
 
 If she doesn't feel too sore — 
 I'll never speak c»"oss to her again ; 
 
 No, never, never more ! " 
 
 " Well, my dear," said pretty Mrs. Tim, 
 
 As she swept into the room, 
 ** I've given you time for contemplation, 
 
 And I've come to hear mv doom. 
 
TIM AND MRS- TIM H3 
 
 Are we still to fight like Kilkenny cats : 
 
 Shall we have no peace at all — 
 Or shall we this recriminating stop. 
 
 And the days of old recall — 
 When I was ever a happy wife, and 
 
 You a loving husband were ? 
 Then we were happy ; we did not * spat,' 
 
 And were free from sadd'ning care." 
 
 Quoth Tim — ** I'm pleased to hear that talk — 
 
 In point of fact its really striking. 
 For I was going to remark, 
 
 If you will, I will, give up * biking.' 
 Although I see no reason why 
 
 We could not take a * spin ' together, 
 In spring, or summer, or the fall, 
 
 Whenever we could strike fine weather. 
 Nay more, I think we might, when now 
 
 We're willing to listen to reason, 
 Agree to live as in days of old — 
 
 Be happy in and out of season." 
 
 As in a dream Tim heard this reply iL _.- 
 From his very diplomatic wife : ^{ 
 
144 TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 '* I quite agree with you, my dear. 
 
 Td much rather have sweet peace than strife. 
 Some of our friends will laug-h at this — 
 
 It will be such a revolution. 
 But what care we ; when for our loves, 
 
 It will be but a convolution." 
 
 So then and there, this loving pair, 
 Agreed to cease from their contentions. 
 
 Through mutual love, and grace from above, 
 They've heard the last of their dissensions. 
 
 Thus endeth this story 
 
 Of Tim and his wife. 
 May others take warning 
 
 While journ'ying through life. 
 
 Let husbands remember 
 
 The vo\ s that they took ; 
 And see that they keep them 
 
 By hook or by crook. 
 Eschew lodges and clubs, 
 
 And then they'll be wise. 
 One or two at the utmost 
 
 Is all I'd advise. 
 
TIM AND MRS. TIM 
 
 Let wives, too, remember, 
 
 Things they've got to do. 
 I can't tell them all here, 
 
 But they're not a few. 
 I don't dare to advise, 
 
 But this I am told : 
 A sweet temper is better 
 
 Than a Klondyke of gold ! 
 
 145 
 
 
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