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Les cartes, planches, tableaux, etc., peuvent §tre filmds 6 des taux de rMuction diffdrentr. Lorsque le document est trop grand poui dtre reproduit en un seul cliche, il est film6 d partir de I'angle supdrieur gauche, de gauche A oroite. et de haut en bas, en prenant le nombre d'images ndcessaire. Les diagrammes suivants illustrent la mdthode. 1 2 3 22X 1 2 3 4 5 6 AB 1 1 e: Mr YANKEE NOTIONS; • OR filE AMERICAN JOE MILLER. ST SAM SLICK, JoNB. . & reign letters iio nature of lOndon, and , which we IT extinguish, tteringly for Eind for the iig justice to Sam having twaddle he x, for them Squaw, an -I wants to , hate your i when the an when I seed that Uncle Sam's book was blown ski hi, an talked all over the old country, I guess I felt mighty savage tUl I could get my hand raiiod so strong, that feyther's team, with the old mare to boot, coud'nt make it budge a bit, or run the valle of a cent. I calculate I felt quite spry when I hit upon the plan of copying out, right smart, all them sprightly notions that our immortal pres$ skatters over A-meri-kee, with the speed of a red hot thundt rbolt through a keg ov butter; and if uncle has made a grand hit, I guess I will make a ditto, and no mistake. Am not I also a free-bom citizen of our great glorious flourishing and united country— live not I in the same atmosphere- don 't I feed on the same pork and beans— nor ideafied by the same sangaree egg-flip and mint-jalep— not to be able to write as powerfully clear, let alone my round text hand, which has, with practising on Sundays, got so awfully strong and long, that my letter L beats the raain-mast of the Constitution frigate all to splinters." After running on in the same strain, he concludes with the incomprehensible phrase of ''going the hog with him" Since the above, and the portion we have now published of Mr. S.'s labours, has been sent to the press, we have re- ceived another communication, in which he inquires re- garding our delay, (which we have already accounted for to our readers,) and more particularly, wherefore we have not sent out his share of the hog. He concludes with the following prediction, which we doubt not his willingness to fulfll:—" By the bye, what do think of us drubbing you about the Backwoods of New Brunswick; I hope you am't too 'cute to run away without getting an everlasting downright particular good cuffing; you wUl find us ter- a2 w n»lly .trong in Maine, where, with a Fa,r.„ki.„. ^e ax no tkrmr but to lick you, and that right slick :^ •• • With corn Btalica comb your hair, Yankee doodle dandy.* « I am, don't forget, (the hog, we ntppou,) "Your cruel Friend, "8am Slick, JuN. ^Lt ^ ""' ^'^-^-^•- <" ^--^T, or I'll .ever ™ r fr^-"^' •"-« •!»' « o„. .gain, eau«, i. nght diok .w., to Slick-rille, A.n,eri.ke,._S. S. Im " H lELD, we ax no indy.* g, M» tuppote,) ^riend, M Slick, Jun. ' your lumber , or I'll never ltd when he un, cause it h.—but send 1. S. JuN " YANKEE NOTIONS; OR TlIK AMERICAN JOE MILLER. MIGHTY SHARP. " Do ye think ye make them there things mighty sharp!" said a visitor in the West to a cutler in New Yo: k. " I do," was the answer; ^ none better or sharper in the States." " We make them far sharper in Kentuck, I guess," re- joined the interrogator,-" why man, my father made a scythe there, so tarnation sharp, that when he hung it upon a tree, its shadow cut a /eUow*s leg q^.'» AN APT SCHOLAR. " What studies do you intend to pursue!" said an erudit' pedagogue one day, when a Johnny Raw entered his school- room. " Why, I shall study reading, I s'pose, wouldn't yet * " Yes; but you will not want to read all the time. Arc^ you acquainted with figures!" « If* a pity if I am% when Fve ciphered clean thro' adoption." " Adoption! what rule is *»« 8 thae ? " said the mailer. " Why if- thn ,i i . . ' you Know that twico 2»4 .n^ 1 ^ "^ ''"^i twice 4 iB 2." " You ,nn /l ' '''"°'^"'« »« ^JopUon. -"tor. ^. And vlu , T . '""' ""^' "'^'" -"' ^"o " for it's a n T y ^^" ^""'"" ^*^'" «-''' "'0 nu,.U for .t s a poor rule that won't work both way,." ^ ' BKALTiriL. uses both legs and wings when the Ar„i; oourser Dro««oa «^ i ° Arabuin when a big dog is after hin,. "'' ^"''* ''^* MMEDV FOB THE TOOTH-AOnt -htr ' "■»"''°">''°"' """.tbofliicd with j.„ -Nfuery, ttie wall, or the cream, or the head? THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS. "Woman is most beautiful when in tears liWn o ^ wet with the crystal dew " AfJ 7 V ' "^ rna. ♦!, .. —Mobde Emminer. " We sun- sZ, , r "' "^ '^"'*"- ""^P" "i, wife eZ Sunday, .„ ™k„ her look beauUf„l..._fl^„,„„„ gj CLIMAX. I Stood in the deserted halls of my fether~I gazed r^und on the bare walls and down the hollow-soun „, comdors-I cned aloud,-" The friends of my early youth where are thoy? where?" and R«h« . vyoum, IdonHknow!» -"^ Echo answered-" i?ea%. J III WMItMilfc. ubie rule of two; lii'g to adoption. ti «ir," said tho ' »ai«l tho pupij^ ways." >e following: — sn tho Arabian lightnings leaj> k like the devil FIE. latest remedy d with cream vail till it iurtu he head? '. like a rose . "We sup- wife every ore Sun. sp—I gazed w-8ounding early youth, 1—" Beally, IIODILY 8TRBN(iTII. A friend of ours says, he is growing weaker and weaker every day. He has got so weak now that he can'i raue five doUarr. EXTRAORDINARY CROW. A native of Kentucky imitates the crowing of a cock so remarkably well, that the sun, upon several occasions, has risen two hours earlier by mistake. VERY SINOULAR INDEED. ** A horso at Mayfleld, Sussex, being terribly pestered with flies, kicked his hind foot into his mouth in such a manner as to require the aid of a blacksmith ere the limb could be extricated."— JVett> Vorh Sun. The Sun does not throw any further light upon this singular uicident; but it may fairiy be presumed that the teeth of the horse were materially damaged, and certainly the painful anxiety of the poor brute, while standing upon three legs waiting for the blacksmith, may be " more easily imagined than de- scribed." A HANDSOME MAN. The editor of the Newbury Journal is said to be so handsome, that he is forced to carry a club to keep the women off ! PHILOSOPHY. Experimental philosophy— asking a man to lend you money. Moral philosophy— refusing to do it. MMMHiiiBlliiiiM*^ -. 10 I 1 "a hat, a iut! " The Providence Gazette states as a fiu.* #1. ♦ in a t«p in that city actuaC^ JTo> Tt "' r*'' Aim-W/-/ T* ^ ^^' °^ V hts akin to liberate f^tmsel/! It appears, says the American editor tharT animal was caught by the forehead and thath off his forefeet, he crawled entir"!" o ' i If T" the flesh-side of the skin outward ' ''"^"* TREBLE X. LUSUS NATURE. "■■.ted to draw on h., .ne»pre»iblea over hi, head! " SASSENGERS." The Denham. Gazette sava fi,o* flannel and p„u.„e, tt vT we" 3^" r^"' °' "^ i« added, .he. are >«^„ «/Jl d^^™ '"'"' ah! ROMEO, ROMEO' jus. a, .h: hale ;:^nfwf:r r: ™'"™'^ '^™ ■» -e said .0 Mr/Lind.r:h:';l:~H T™ ™ the pi. eried ou^ " Kaee t'other n^nCl. " 11 that a rat caught his skin to liberate editor, that the hat having eaten his skin, leaving » they hear that •ong that it re- ■ of porter, and sre is now liv- rge that he is erhis head! made of red brown paper idelphia, Mr. ily taken ill nee. When • Hamilton, a Yankee A BROKEN HEART. I The female heart, as far as my experience goes, is just I like a new India rubber shoe; you may pull and pull at it till it stretches out a yard long, and then let go, and it will fly right back to its old shape. Their hearts are made of stout leather, I tell you; there's a plaguy sight of wear m 'em. I never knowed but one case of a broken heart and that was in t'other sex, one Washington Banks. hJ was a sneezer. He was tall enough to spit down on the heads of your grenadiers, and near about high enough to wade across Chariestown river, and as strong as a tow- boat. I guess he was somewhat less than a foot longer than the moral law and catechism too. He was a perfect pictur of a man; folks used to run to the window when he passed, and say, " There goes Washington Banks, beant he lovely?" I do believe there wasn't a gall in the Lowell factones that wamt in love with him. Well, when I last seed him, he was all skin and bone, like a horse turned out to die He was teetotally defleshed, a mere walking skele- ton I am dreadfully sorry," says I, " to see you, Banks, lookmg so pecked; why you look like a sick turkey-hen !^ V'*"; t!'r "'*'* "'' ^'^"•" " ^'"^ ^y^^V ^ays he! J-^^roken keart" "What," says I, "have the galls beenjUun'your' "No, no," says he, "I beant such a ool as that neither." " Well," says I, "have you made a bad speculation?" "No," says he, shakin' his head, "I hope I have too much clear grit in me to take on so bad forthat." "What, under the sun, is it then?" said I. wirrV "'Au" ' ""''' " ''' '''' '''' P^''^ 0^ «"-™er, with Leftenant Oby Knowles, that I could shoulder the best bower of the Constitution Frigate. I won my bet; WMyiM«ilMMWM«M. 12 enough he diddi.th.t veiyM, „d he JJZ onu" .taoeIe,erheerdteU„/a4«fe„fe,rt. "'"""^'"- UTINO ON SMill. MEANS. Dr. Alcott hu just published a very elever work or h» mtere-aug suhjec.. tte ™h..ance o7whieh w^k J" be summed up i„ the following few wo«U:-For br«^^f two oeuts worth of dried .pples, without drink. ^ t wun a fnend, and so to bed. SHADE OF THE DEPARTED. One of the American papers gives an account of a lounger ,n his editorial office who had been in the^^bit KLBOW-ROOM SCARCE. t» Jr Tl' """"K-nft gouging, turning in and tunung out, ha. seldom before been witnessed. Instance .h^f„U„w.ng:_Travellerdi,mo„n.s.t a tavern. "Ha^T i^dlord-cnlget .edging, iere to-night." Landlo^ _ M S.r, every r«,m in the house is engaged." T«veller. Can t you even g.ve me a bhmket, and « buneh of shav- "gsf^apUlow, in your bar-room!" L«,dl.M. .."„ !w T r ^ '""^ foot of space unoccupied any! we„mthehou»... T„veller. " Then I'U thLk you, ru »o.t .t ■" ," ""' " ^"" »econd.een in the habit ladow was found •fashyille during turning in and ssed. Instance vem. "Halloa, t?" Landlord, ed." Traveller, bunch of shav- ndlord. « No, noccupied any- Vn thank you, r wndow, and 18 FORCE OP IMASINATIOX. Mr. Jonathan Jonah Goliah Bang, says,— » I once knew a fellow of the name of Dunnaker; he'd got some copper mines in the midst of a desert, and a tarnation pretty profitable consam they would have been too, if there had but been any pasture at hand to feed the critters of horses that worked the machines; but there wasn't, and the whole consam was fast going into the back settlements, when he hit upon the expedient of supplying the want of grass by the force of imagination. I'll tell you how it was; he put green spectacles on the critters, and fed them on deal shavings; did as well as the best grass in the worid!" EXTRAORDINARY DESPATCH. The editor of an American paper, in describing the rapid sale of his journal, assures those who choose to believe him, that it goes off like greased lightning! KISSING IN AMERICA. When a wild lark attempts to steal a kiss from a Nan- tucket giri, she says, "Come, sheer off, or I'll split your mainsail with a typhoon." Tlie Boston giris hold stUl un- til they are well kissed, when they flare up and say, "I think you ought to be ashamed. ^^-Doston Translript. When a young chap steals a kiss from an Alabama girl, she says, "I reckon it's my time now," and gives him a box on the ear which he don't forget in a wcek.-/rM'mfo« Herald. When a clever fellow steals a kiss from a Louis- iana giri, she smiles, blushes deeply, and says-nothing. We think our giris have more taste and sense than those of down^jast and Alabama. When a man is smart enough B » / indignity I ™u «„ .h« r- Z' » '" " "^ '" «." village reoeiveri; ~^: *^"'- '^^ *««»' they follow tho Scripture !rr ^f '"" ""*■""»»= --he,.„™t.xri-^:::rci:::^-»'. EITHER WAY WILL DO. "--,r';:ti.„r:7-^;-.-to. "le if you will." ' ^"* y**" "»ay have LABOUR AND RECREATION. "..rr l;!:::.:::::;: •'""■' "' """'''-^ «■• «^" >- engine o„ 00^^.1:11^*'' ^"" ^ "^ the clothes on a smooth Jl,'''^' ^^y sP'^ad out all U. their feet, anrCot ^.-^.trj;!"" 'T 'eoreative with the a«ft.l „d ,^^^; "^'"'^ *« TIGHT SLEEVES. ^ e « t«h. „ ,0 prevent the hdie, ft«„ 4^^ ^ I-AW ELOQUENCE IN KENTUCKV eoart of ,„,t,oe ™mewhe«, in Kentucky, b, on. they are perfectly here saluted with J, answereth thus, tlediah; for in this '^rd. The ladies ristian meekness: mitten on the one Chronicle. young man to a It you may have d, the girls have beats the steam f spread out all n hot flat-irons combining the ogue again in of the sleeves ■om laughing in 'c appeal was tucky, by one u of the "learned heads" of the bar:-" Gentlemen of the jury,-Do you think my client, who lives in the pleasant valley of Kentucky, where the lands is ridt, and soil are I fertile, would be guilty of stealing eleving little skains of I cotting ? I think notj I reckon not; I calc»'late not. And I I guess, Gentlemen of the Jury, that you had better bring I my client in not guilty, for if you convict him, he and his Bon John will lick the whole of you!" CAUSE AND EFFECT. Many of the United States papers give, with every death they announce, the name of the physician who at- tended the defunct. The following specimen, from a New Orleans journal, \vill show the business-like manner in which the matter is gone about. '* Died at his house in Cotton-street, Jonathan Smith, store-keeper. He was a very well-doing citizen, and deservedly respected. His wife carries on the store. Gregson, physician." The name of the doctor renders the affair complete. "oysters, sir!" A man seeing an oyster-vender pass by, called out, " Give me a pound of oysters." " We sell oysters by measure, not by weight," replied the other. " Well," said he, '* give me a yard of them." EARLY RISING. A celebrated American journalist u bold enough to impugn the doctrine of early rising in the following terms: •* We are no worshipper of the sun ourself, and willingly confess that we don't belong to the mmj, generation; thew 16 H! IB no doubt, to be sure, but that sleep, the , ^ - ~~i'» -"c grodt restorative, - PMlomiive, (champaign for inalanoe,) may bo taken to exce». Some con,m„tions requi„ more. »me k«, but e,e,7 individual A„„ld fl„d „„. t^ „^ „J„„^ and ,, your advocate, for • early rising ■ would make tha the foundafon of their .■^umen.^and, m.«over, u«, early rmng „ a relative tem, to be dated from the hour of .leep-tUeir labour, would be mo« miond and benefl- ml. As « ,s, all theories upon the subject are whimsical. We must nse early, fo,«„,i -,„„ .j, ,„„ ^^ «.e lark does: for the matter o, that, the lark is not a r^pectable character-he U sometimes up all night, and, always at the same hour; indeed, if our memory serves u, there are some quarte™ of the globe where that red.&c«l christian lies a-bed for months. • Rise before the sun And make a breakfast of the mornln; dew. Served op by Nature on a graw, hill,- You'll And It nectar.' IZT'7'°- '^'"'' * '^''»^' *» recommend to m untan dew,' now, there would have been some rea«,„ «.t butthes, poet, are strange feUows; and Thomson wote that panegync at mid-day. I„ condu^n, we are v^tag to behove that the • rising ,„n i, a ve,y magnificent ADVERTISEMENT. sln°' '^"^*^ " *' "^"""^ '»»'-"<»*. «« ■■«■ .peetfully sohctod to pay their hst year's account, forth- e great restorative, instance,) may bo (juire more, some his own measure; would make that d, moreover, use id from the hour tional and benefi- ct are whimsical, he sun does, and the lark is not a p all night; and, pleases, and not emory serves us, "e that red-fiaced 17 with. It b no use to honey the matter; payment must be made at least once a year, or I shall run down at the heol. Everybody says, how weU that man Woodruff is getting on in the world; when the feet is, I have not positively spart citange enough to buy myself a shirt or a pair of breeches. My wife is now actually engaged in turning an old pair wrong side out, and in trying to make a new shirt out of two old ones. She declares that in Virginia, where she was raised, they never do such things, and that it is more- over a downright vulgar piece of business altogether. Come, come, pay up, pay up, friends. Keep peace in the family, and enable me to wear my clothes right side out. You can hardly imagine how much it will oblige, dear sirs, the pubUc's most obedient, most obliged, and most humble servant. \g dew, J,- ' recommend to he had written en some reason ; and Thomson elusion, we are Jry magnificent -store, are re- ccounts forth- OOINO UPON TICK. A letter from New York says that the times are so hard that the watches have stopped. We are surprised at that, because they are the only business characters that can afford to go; as they can go upon tick till the end of time. GOOD ADVICE. Never cut a piece out of a newspaper until you have looked on the other side, where perhaps you may find something more valuable than that which you intend to appropriate. Never bum your finger*— if you can help it. Let no gentleman ever quarrel with a woman. If -ou are troubled with her, retreat. If she abuse you, be silent. If she tear vour cloak, give her your coat. If she box b2 Pi ]8 your ears, bow. If she toap voup evfl« n,,* f. i to the door and-fly. ^ ^ °"*' •^''' y^"*" ^^'^ BAD TIMES. The r^c.^^5, 7V>^ ^y,^ u.fho times are so hard and that the young men cannot even ^ their addresses." A CASE OP DISTRESS. A poor Yankee, on being asked the nature of his dis- ress rephed, « that he had five ouU and one i«,-to wit at the toes; out of money a.d in debt. NEAT AS IMPORTED. „™t rir" ^T" "'" ^°* """""• '"'o™ "» «"« «'« r t ",r?° ™ "" •*" """ "» «»' "p ••' '■"id''' to *ave hmsdf, has cut hta throat! He U ,„pp„«.d ,„ have beeome nervous in eonsequence of an idea he had cBmbcd 80 lugh aa he could not get hack to earth again. A GOOD UN TO GO. Yes, as I was saying, this " Old Clay" is a real knowin' one; he s as spiy a. a eolt yet, clear girt, ginger to the back bone. I cant help thinking sometimes the breed must have come from old Kentuck, half horse, half alligator, with a cross of the earthquake. I hope I may be tee-totally ruin- ated .f I'd take eight hundred dollai. for hhn. Go a-head, you old chnker-built villain, said he, and show the gentle- man how wonderfully hand^m you can travel. Give them the real Connecticut quick step. That'a ifc-that's the way I out, ycc/ your wav ire 80 hard, and T» east complain addresses." ature of his dis- one t«,— to wit, e heels and out I 19 to carry the President's Message to Congress from Wasli- ington to New York in no time-that's the go,-<;arry a gall from Boston to Rhode Island, and trace her up to a justice to be married afore her father's out of his bed of a summer's momin'. Ain't he a beauty? a real doll? none of your Cumberland critters, that the more you quilt them, the more they won't go; but a proper one, that will go' free gratis for nothing, all out of his own head yolunterrUy. Yes, a horse like " Old Clay " is worth a whole seed, breed, and generation of them Amherst beasts put together.' He's a horse every inch of him, stock, lock, and barrel, is Old aay. MS us that the up a ladder to pposed to have le had climbed :am. HOW TO GET A LIFT. " Pray," said Mr. to a gentleman he overtook on the road, " will you have the complaisance to take my great-coat in your carriage to town!" " With pleasure, my dear sir; but how will you get it again? " " Oh, very easily," replied the modest applicant; "I shall remain in it." a real knowin' ?er to the back eed must have igator, with a e-totally ruin- • Go a-head, w the gentle- I. Give them that's the way A DEPUTY WANTED. " I cant speak in public— never done such a thing in all my Ufe," said a chap the other night at a pubUc meet- ing, who had been called upon to hold forth, " but if any- body in the crowd will speak for me, I'U hold his hat.'' RECIPROCITY. "Will you lend father your newspaper, sir? -he only ^vants to read it?" « Yes. my boy-and ask him to lend me his dinn'jr— I only just want to cat it !" i i 20 AN UN'cOUNTABLE PIO •'You Socrates," said Mr. Seth Harris, of Poughkeepsie you fed the DiiTs? " "V^u ^ . *"«*«•, nave Socrates »Z v ' ' '"^ ^'^ '"°^'" '^P'i^d CK)crates. Did you count them?" ^'Yes m^^ •0 much me couldn't count /lim. WHY AND BECAUSE. " Why do you use so much tobacco? " said «. .,o«»i .0 .„o.ho. ..e „.We,e„H, «. a wiX^C:;:: I c«*M»jf," was the witty reply. "*® STRANGE. A man in Ohio was pursued lately by a black snake a„ at once it occurred to him. just as thi repU e^^L " ^ as tight as he could sprinir Ha ^m u ABSENCE OP HIND, A mm in Lowell, in attempting to hane hinueJf «,». . .» put .he «pe „„nd hi. neck, and jun.;* oH-^S irr:t. "' ""^ ''°' ^™"^ """^« -^e A man. thinking he was at home, one evenini? lately l.v 81 , of Poughkeepsie, ou, Socrates, have ed 'um," replied Yes, massa, me " Yes, massa, ig, he frisk about "d a gentleman Mty?—" Because ack snake. All tile was prepar- imall birch tree ture in a snarl when, stooping le snake trying himself foigot off the barrel istake until he ing lately, lay tside the gate peiBon, afler getting home one rainy night, put his umbrella in the bed, and leaned up in the comer himself. A fond mother took her darling on her knee, and then a loaf, intending " to make a bread-and-butter for it," as it is called; but, by a strange fatality, she buttered the child's fece, and cut its head off befor^ ,he discovered her mistake. A LARGE OYSTER, An oyster was opened at Point Comfort lately, which was so large that it took throe men to mallow U whole! nYPOCHONDRIACISM EXTRAORDINARY. Among the dry, quaint, and philosophical scenes with which Mr. Neal's recent volume of » Charcoal Sketches " abounds, we think this soUloquy of a loafer who had been sleigh-riding and got 'spilt,' is inimitable. "It's man's natur', I believe, and we can't help it nohow. As fur me, I wish I was a pig— there's some sense in being a pig wot's fat: pigs don't have to specilate and burst— pigs never go a sleighing, quarrel with their daddies-in-Iaw wot is to bo, get into sprees, and make tamal fools of themselves. Pigs' is decent-behaved people and good citizens, though they ain't got no wote.-And then they haven't got no clothes to put on of cold mornings when they get up; they don't have to be damin' and patchin' their old pants, they don't wear no old hats on their heads, nor have to ask people for 'em-cold wittles is plenty for pigs. My eyes! if I was a jolly fat pig belonging to respectable people, it would be tantamount to nothin' with me who was president. Who ever see'd one pig a sittm' on a cold crubstone a rubbin' another pig's head wot got chucked out of the sleigh { P%8 Uu> too much Bcnik. ^o go a ridin' if so be aa they can Mplt. I wiiih 1 waaono, and ou.; of this scrape It's ini«," «.*ttt«uea Dout, thoughtfully, .d pulling Tipple- ton's nose tuj it cracked at tho bridge joint,— " It's true pigs havo their troubles like humans-constables catches em, dogs bites 'em, and pigs is sometimes ahnost as done- over suckers as men; but pigs never runs their own noses mto scrapes, coaxin' themselves to believe it's fun, as wo do. I never sees a pig go the whole hog in my life, 'sept upon rum cherries." f A QUIETUS. A married lady lately found her two sons quarrelling and, m the hope of putting an end to the diiference, uttered the following threat:-" You young rascals, if you don't desist directly, I'll tell both your fathenr DANIEL LAMBERT OUTDOiNK. An Englishman was observing that the good feeding of England produced the fattest men in the world. Jona- than contended that the good feeding of the States pro- duced tho fattest women. « What did your Daniel Lambert weigh?" said the American. "About fifty Btone, was the answer. <' Pooh, that's nothing" said the Yankee, "we have in Pennsylvania at least a dozen women, each the girth of Penn's tree, a.u one in Staten Island, that it would take a fortnight to walk round." DIFFICULTIES OF AN EDITOR. « An edi- . ,'» says he of the New York Patriot, " cannot «tep without . ^ :.U ;:on somebody's toes. If he expresses his opiii Bumptu not avo I advocaf ^ of per* t words ii I, I iiim a ] f nails an i print th J man ths ■ cause h ■ literary I , eng/oss \ istoolar \ types so |rf every fai ■ unless th " tually ofl I should b I In fact, ( ] ing a joi ^ when CO * please all I A Por,i tiottourabl "We yea Street Th of our re Mr. Ham be as they can his scrape. It's 1 pulling Tipplc- jint,— " It's truu istables catches ahnost as done- their own noses 9 it's fun, as wo in my life, 'sept >nB quarrelling, Ference, uttered Is, if you don't good feeding of world. Jona- fie States pro- your Daniel "About fifty lothing," said least a dozen one in Staten ^ round." triot, " cannot f he expresses ! I 28 is opinion fearlessly and frankly, he is arrogant and pre. sumptuous. If he state facts mthout comments, ho dares not avow his sentiments. If ho conscientiously refuse to advocate the claims of an indivi.lual to office, ho is accused of personal hostlUty. A jackana.nos, who measures off words into verse as a cicik doos tape, by the yard, hands liim a parcel of stuff that jingles hke a handful of rusty nails and a gim»<- ; nd if the editor be not fool enough to print the nonsense-" Stop my paper; I wont patronize a man that is no better judge of poetf7." One murmurs be- cause his paper is too literary, another because it is not literary enough. One grumbles because the advertisements eng.-oss too much room, another complains that the paper is too large, he can't find time to read it all. One wants the types so small that a microscope would be indispensable in every family, another threatens to discontinue the paper unless the letters are half an inch long. One old lady ac- tually offered to give half a cent additional for a paper that should be printed with such types as are used for handbills. In fact, every subscriber has a plan of his own for conduct- ing a journal, and the labour of Sysiphus was recreation when compared with that of an editor who undertakes to please all." AMRNDE HONOURABLE. A ?- nsylvani ... paper contains the subjoined '' amende hofumrable, which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:- "We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chestnut Street Theatre, as « a thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark, we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. HamU^n, of the Chestnut Street Theatre, is no-thing. c2 24 SHARP EYESIGHT. An American, describing the prevalence of duelling summed up with-" They even fight with daggers in a roora pitch dark." " Is it possible ?" was the reply. "Pos- Bible Sir?" returned the Yankee, "why I have seen tnem." A SIMILE. A jeweller in America advertising that he has a num- ber of precious stones to dispose of, adds, that they sparkle like the tears of a young widow. A HOPEFUL BABE. A gourd was sometime ago planted by a gentleman, and grew more rapidly than he could ride! Although he had his horse ready saddled at the moment it was put into the ground, and immediately set off at the gaUop, it completely out-distanced hhn! VERY LIKELY. ' The ^ P^ «y,, ih^, ,^„ ^^_, ^^^ dear », that n,ilk i, risen «, high that cream can't reach the top. ^ TO DESTROY OWLS. When you discover one on a tree, and find that it i. loolung at you, all that you have to do i, to move quickly «>und the ^ several tin.es, when the owl in the'm^! me, whose attention wiu be so firmly «xed, that, forget- tag the necessity of turning its body ,vith its head, it will follow your motion with its eyes till it wrings i<» held off. 25 alence of duelling, with daggers in a w the reply. "Pos- 'why I have seen It he has a num- J, that they sparkle ' a gentleman, and Although he had t was put into the Hop, it completely why cream is so ream can't reach d find that it is to move quickly wl in the mean- ed, that, forgot- its head, it will Jgs its head off. ECONOMY. The Mich^n White Pigeon Gazette says, a neighbour of onra informs us that wood goes farther when left out of doors, than when well housed, some of his having gone upwards of a qmrter of a mile in one night. FIRE-WOOD WANTED. The printer of the Warren Gazette lately published the foUowmg notice:-'* Dry stove-wood wanted immediately at this office, in payment for papers.— N.B. Don't fetch logs that the devil cant split.** PET OYSTER. The Kentucky Advertiser mentions, that a gentleman in that place has in his possession an oyster, which is so tame that it follows him about the house like a dog. FORCE OF IMAGINATION. We once knew of a fellow who fancied himself a jack- ass. The beauty of it was, he wasn't much mistaken Jonathan's description op a steam-boat, ^ " It's got a saw-mill on one side, and a grist mill on t'other, and a blacksmith's shop in the middle; and down cellar, there's a tarnation great pot, boiUng all the time." POWER OF steam. A steam doctor, in a North Carolina paper, boasts that he has discovered a system by which he can make out of an oU man an entire young man, and have enough left to make a small dog! 26 HOW TO COMMIT MURDER QUIETLY. Take a young lady-tell h.r she has a pretty foot-she >vill wear a small shoe-go out in wet spring weather- catch a cold-then a fever-and die in a month. This recipe never fails. NOT AFRAID OF WORK. A person once said to a father, whose son was noted for lazmess, that he thought his son was very much afraid of work. " Afraid of work! » replied the father, « not at all- he will Ue down and go to sleep close by the side of it." BIBULOUS. A poor drunken loafer was picked up in the street last night. There was no sense in his head, no cents in his pocket, a powerful scent in his breath, and he was sent to the watch-house. ■n. SHARP RETORT. A Yankee and a Patlander happening to be riding to- gether, passed a gallows. " Whete would you be," said Jonathan, "if the gallows had its duel" "Riding alone I guess,*' said the Irishman. ' TO CATCH RABBITS. Schoolboys in the old country think themselves mighty clever when they catch birds by putting salt on their tails. Jonathan, however, goes a-head; witness the following novel mode of catching rabbits. Place apples in the parts where the rabbits frequent, after sprinkling them with snuff, and when they come to smell, the sudden effort to sneeze JIETLV. a pretty foot—she spring weather— n a month. This ion was noted for ry much afraid of her, " not at all— the side of it." in the street last I, no cents in his id he was sent to to be riding to- ld you be," said ^' Riding alone, I emselves mighty M on their tails. 9 the following pies in the parts them with snuff, effort to sneeze 27 Mhich they make never fails to break their necks, and even m some cases has been known to cause them to tumble heels over head a considerable distance! TAKING CARE OF nAGGAGE. The following paragraph recently appeared in a provin- cial paper:-Travellers should be careful to deliver their baggage to proper persons, as a gentleman, a few days Bince, on alighting from a stage coach, intrusted his wife to a stranger, and has not heard of her since. QUITE AFFECTED. I'll tell you an almighty strange thing of how that gall Ellen Tree, works on the feelings of critters. When she* was actmg Julia in our parts, the door-keeper came away m, for It was tarnation cold, and no one took no notice of the doors, cos no more could well get in; when an old bear sniffed his way into the to^.-n, and finding no one astir, for they were all at the play, what does the critter do, but smffs his way there too, and crawls up behind the boxes. I guess he meant to sup off some of the chaps; but, how- ever, he listened and listened till he got riuite affected, and so mollified, that he vowed he'd never go man-eating any more: next night he came agin, and brought his wife, and the thmg was only discovered on the third night, when he was seen coming down to the box-office along with an aUi- gator. WHAT WE CALL DUTIES. Every man ought to pay his debts-if he can. Every man ought to help his neighbour-if he can. Every man 28 and woman ought to get married— if they can. Evdry representative to Congress, and in the Legislature, ought to inform his constituents what they are about — if he can. Every man should do his work to please customers— if he can. Every man should please his wife— if he can. Every wife should rule her husband— if she can. Every woman should sometime)* hold her tongue— if she can. Every lawyer should tell the truth— if he can. Every preacher of the gospel should be a Christian— if he can. Every reader should add something to the abovo— if he can.—' Peter^rg Constellation. SHAKING HANDS. At a late duel in Kentucky, the parties discharged their pbtols without effect, whereupon one of the seconds inter- fered and proposed that the combatants should shake hands. To this the other second objected, as unnecessary; " for," said he, " their hands have been shaking this half hour." A 'cute lad. A gentleman sent a lad with a letter to the Baltimore post-office, and money to pay the postage. When he re- turned, he said, " I guess I did the thing slick; I see'd a good many folks putting letters into the post-office through a hole, so I watched my chance, and got mine in for nothing." ABSENCE OF MIND. We have just heard of a truly distressing instance of ab- sence of mind, of which, we understand, our venerable '!)» ' they can. Evdry > Legislature, ought 5 about — if he can. se customers — if he ■—if he can. Every ian. Every woman f she can. Every n. Every preacher -if he can. Every bovo — if he can. — > es discharged their ' the seconds inter- mts should shake ed, as unnecessary; n shaking this half r to the Baltimore ge. When he re- ng slick; I see'd a post-office through got mine in for ing instance of ab- ind, our venerable ■i 29 friend, and contemporary, Mr. Bot Smith, was the victim The other evening he proceeded bed-ward, as usual, and in a fit of absence of mmd, put the candle into the bed, a J blew himself out! A CURIOrS FACT. Wo have it upon the authority of the Neto York Era that the proprietor of the perpetual motion, lately exhib' ited at Boston, has absconded without even paying the man who turned the crank in the cellar! A CAPITAL CHARGE. Murder, gentlemen, is where a man is murderously killed. The killer in such case is a murderer. Now murder by poison is as much murder as murder with a gun. It is the murdering which constitutes murder in the eye of the law. You will bear in mind that murder is one thing, and manslaughter another; therefore, if it is not man- slaughter it must be murder. Self murder has nothing to do with this case. One man cannot commii felo^e-se on another; that is clearly my view. Gentlemen, I think you can have no difficulty. Murder, I say, is murder. The murder of a brother is called fratricide; but it is not fratricide if a man murders his mother. You will make up your minds. You know what murder is. and I need not tell you what it is not. ADVICE TO PARENTS. Rear up your lads like naUs. and theyni not only go through the worid, but you may clench 'em on t'other side. c2 80 "prodigious I" By a series of interesting experiments lately made in Philadelphia, a woman's tongue has been found capable of moving one thousand nine hundred and twenty times in a minute ! Think of that and weep I t A HOT BERTH. The BaUimore Sun has this advertisement,—" Wanted, three strong men to carry the Sun." HINT TO ADVERTISERS. We would recommend, as a sure method of giving ex- tensive publicity to advertisements, that the words, "Not to be repeated," should be added in small itaUcJ. The women, imagining this to be an injunction to secrecy, wUl do more towards making the matter public, than could bo eflTected by any means with which we are at present ac quainted. MODERN DEFINITIONS, NOT FOUND IN ANY OF THE ANCIENT DICTIONARIES. (From a New York Paper.) Hard 7'»ne».-Sitting on a cold grindstone and reading the President's Message. Love.^A little world within itself, intimately connected with shovel and tongs. Progress of Time.-. A pedlar going through the land with wooden clocks. Genteel Society.^ A place where the rake is honoured and the moralist condemned. Poetry.^ A bottle of ink thrown over a sheet of foolscap. Otiu lie at 1 Ten hamm ously ^ Dan anus- white 1 finger, Coqu more a t 31 ata lately made in m found capable of 1 twenty times in a ement,— " Wanted, thod of giving ex- the words, "Not small italics. The >n to secrecy, will >lic, than could bo ire at present ac- r OF THE ANCIENT :one and reading mately connected igh the land with ) is honoured and sheet of foolscap. \ Po/Wda«.-A fellow that culls all his knowledge from borrowed newspapers. Rigid Justice.^nroT on a murder case fast asleep, ouf^dt; ^^ "'^ ^'^^ ^°"' ™^-^ ^"^ '^- ^-- ^ou tior::t::^ "^'^^ ^'° '- "*^^-^-^--puta. ^on^y.-Obsolete : a term formerly used in the case of a man who had paid for his newspaper and the coat oTi; Lip Stables.^ A place where you pay a five-dollar bill for the privilege of being upset. Sub-Treasury dungeon-^^ to put in and W to gel Lovelt, Women.-.An article manufactured by milliners:- " ^*"> wanta but little here below And wants that little for a show.'" Oimm cum dignUate.-Uying at the expense of the pub- lic at the State Hotel, Sing Sing. (A jaUO Termination of FTar.-Driving the enemy out of one hammock into another, capturing an old ne^o, and siri ously wounding a squaw. ar^''*;:t "*?." '"*"'''"'' ^"^ "^ ^y *«d two wWt^andk iT "' ^"^"--^g^' boots-a cane-a whue handke^^^^^^^ brooches, and a ring on his little aquette.-A young lady with more beauty than sense- more accomplished than learned-more chls of "::L 82 than graces of mind-more admirers than friend^moro fools than wise men for attendants. Credit.^A wise provision by which constables get a Benevolence^-To take a dollar out of one pocket and put It into the other. WALTZING. A lady in Nashville being asked to waltz, gave the fol- lowmg sensible and appropriate answer:-" No, thank yo sir, I have hugging enough at home." * ABSENCE OF MIND. The last "modem instance" recorded in the Yankee papers, is that of a Vermont waggoner going to market, who lifted his horse into the waggon, and tacked himself to the traces. The veracious chronicler adds, the wag- goner did not discover his error untU he endeavoured to neigh ! T'other day a man in Baltimore, intending to wind up his watch, through a sudden attack of absence of mind wound up himself. He did not perceive his mistake until his creditors refused to allow him to go upon tick any longer. •' The Na^hvilk Observer informs us of the following caso of absence of mind, which took place in the person of an old lady, who, after stirring the fire with her knitting- needle, proceeded to knit with the poker, and did not dis- cover her error till she commenced scratching her head with it. A woman in Ohio put her baby into the waahing-tub, 33 han flriends — moro constables get a »ne pocket and put iltz, gave the fol- —"No, thank ye, d in the Yankee going to market, id tacked himself r adds, the wag- 3 endeavoured to ding to wind up absence of mind, his mistake until ?o upon tick any le following caso the person of an th her knitting- and did not dis- tching her head he washing-tub, and its dirty frock and petUcoat into the cradle, and set her little boy to rock it. She did not discover her mistake untU the baby cried out when she pinned its loft leg to the line, as she hung it out in the yard to dry. We learn from the NashvUle Banner, that a land-agent down there, by name Hiram S. Botts, having to ride out in great haste one day last week, actually clapped the saddle upon his own back instead of his mare's, and never found out the mistake tiU he was quite fatigued with vainly try- ing to get upon hunself. ADVERTISEMENT. An advertiser in a Philadelphia paper requests th^ person who borrowed &pair of panUdoons of hun last summer, to return them forthwith or he wUl expose hun. We would rather fear that as the pantaloons in question are probably the only ones the loon's possessed of, he would rather expose Mmsel/ by returning them. A HINT TO LOAFING LOVERS. The editor of TJia Buffdonian advises the giris never to marry a man who will come and stay a week at a time with them during the process of courting. CHURCH GOING. There is much truth as well as rhyme in the following i jeu d'esprit, as those of our readers who go to church very well know:— Two lovely ladies dwell at . And each a churching goes ; Emma goes there— fo clote her eyes^ And Jane— 6> eye her clothes. 11 'I ^ m t 34 MUSQUITOES. Let a man go to sleep with his head in a cast-iron kettle among " them critters," and their bills will make a water- 'ug pot of it before the next morning. FINN'S LAST. The New Fork Sun gives the following as this old joker's last attempt:-" What sort of a light do you call that in front of the Jew's Synagogue?" asked a friend of Finn, as they passed up Crosby-street the other evening. " An Israel light," was the reply. A pretty fair Jew d'esprit. " LAST " FROM NEW YORK. We understand that a respectable citizen of this place (who, being much afflicted with deafness, was in the habit of using an ear-trumpet) chanced the other day, in a 11,0- ment of abstraction, to apply the instrument to his eye instead of to his ear; and he declares that, to his astonish- ment, he heard a precious sight better that way than by the ordinary course. Thus are great discoveries oftentimes the result of chance rather than design! upon was ^ butB way. way, I 'coon I woi stead}' mad; long, I chin u best fo 80, fini mined I went saw thi came, 1 seen. knot uj 'closely, \htotpei POWERFUL GRINNING. I will tell you an anecdote. I was concerned myself- i The J and I was fooled a little of the wickedest. You all know lloctors I love hunting. Well, I discovered a long time ago that a fogethe 'coon couldn't stand my grin. I could bring one tumbling down from the highest tree. I never wasted powder and lead, when I wanted one of the creatures. Well, as I was walking out one night, a few hundred yards from my house, looking carelessly about me, I saw a 'coon planted One ' lont wl .Id! 96 jupon one of the highest Umbs of an old tree, -he night WM very moo«y and clear, and old Ratler waa with me- but Ratier won't bark at a 'coon-he's a queer dog in that way. So, I thought I'd bring the lark down in the usual hvay,6^«^r,«. I set myself-and, after grinning at the coon a considerable time, found that he didn't come down I wondered what was the reason-and I took another •steady grin at him. Still he was ^A.re. It made me a little mad; 30 I felt round and got an old limb about five feet Jong, ai:d. planting one end upon the ground, I placed my chm upon the other, and took « rest. I then grinned my best for about five minutes; but the cursed 'coon hung on So, findmg I could not bring him down by grinning, I deter- nuned to have him-for I thought he must be a droll chap. I went over to the house, got my axe, returned to the tree saw the 'coon still there, and began to cut away. Down it came, and I ran forward; but never a 'coon waa there to be Iseen. I found that what I had taken for one, was a large knot upon the branch of the tree-And, upon looking at it Iclosely, I saw that I had grinned all the bark off, and le/i the iknot perfectly tmooth. DOCTORS TURNED PATIENTS. The Buffalo Journal says, that city is so healthy that the ioctors have nothing to do, and seven of them were seen pogether on the pier fishing. A TALL SUBJECT. One Yankee journal states that there is a man in Ver- 'ont who is so taU that he-can't tell when his toes are old! 80 J I In alluding to thig monstroBity, another paper says, " Thii in probably the person who never allows his servant to sit up for him, as he can put his arm down the chimney to un- bolt the street door. A third remarks, *' The man who was obliged to get upon his knees to unscrew the weathercock of the steeple of the South Meeting House in Boston, was, wo guess, a trifle tal- ler than the lengthy Vermonter. A fourth calculates that he beats tee-total Wilson by a long chalk. " By-the-bye, we hear," he continues, « that Mr. Wilson, by a succession of interesting experiments, has succeeded in an invention for converting long legs into a species of telescopic sliders, by which, the lower part of the ■bin sliding into the upper, a man may become short or long at pleasure."— FFcrry convenient/ TOUCH OF THE SUBLIME. A fellow giving an account of being chased by a mad bull said, " The bull roared like thunder, and I ran like lightning; and, on jumping over the fence as quick as the stars fall from the galaxy, tore my breeches as though heaven and earth were coming together." " NO OTHER JOURNAL HAS THE NEWS." A country paper says, under this head—" We stop the press to announce the important intelligence that we have no more paper, and that our ink is all out. If our de- linquent subscribers have any bowels of compassion, they will immediately book up what they owe us, in order to^ ..„ , enable us to go on with our business. If they do not, this I Pompe »s the last sheet we shall be able to send them-as we arc f the oth er paper says, "Thifl t his servant to sit I tho chimney to un> I obliged to get upon 3f the steeple of tho ve guess, a trifle tal- s-total "Wilson by a le continues, " that ig experiments, has ig long legs into a be lower part of the ly become short or E. f chased by a mad ler, and I ran like CO as quick as the reeches as though 1 NEWS." id—" We stop the i ^ence that we have I out. If our de- P compassion, they ^e us, in order toj f they do not, this \ I them— as we arc 07 tired of writing for nothing and finding ourselves N.D - The paper.makor will not trust u« with another roan,' u'n- le«s we pay u,. tho arrearages. ^-cv>«./ .V./y.-This journal 7 ^, P"^''"*''^^ '^ver^ noto and t/u:n, until further notice mrUN.n.-TU. Sheriff i. waiting for u« in the next room 80 we havo no opportunity to bo pathetic. AN EDITOR. An editor is but a creature of the imagination. No- body ever «aa; an editor. Nobody hath known him. He is mv«,ble, impalpable, immaterial. He is not an individual bemg fur he ,s a wk! An / is a defined substantial entity, >^.oh all can understand who have a looking-glass befor' them. But a we, a singular plural, a multu.u in parvo is a^ystery that cannot be comprehended by common * TO MAKE LEECHES BITE. If the leech will not bite, bind him apprentice to a broker for a week, and his teeth will become so sharp that he will bite through the bottom of a brass kettle. DOWN EAST GIRLS. AVhen the Down East giris wish to threaten each other with a flogging, they say, " I will be into you like a thou- sand of brick." SINGULAR RESEMBLANCE. An American, speaking of his niggers, said, "Caesar and Pompey are so much aUke that you can't tell the one from the other, 'speciaUt/ Pompet/." i 88 SOMETHING LITERARY. " Have you Goldsmith's Greece? " said a gentleman, lately, on entering a book-store in Market-Street. " No," replied a lad smartly, " we don't keep it here, you can get it at Mr. Webb's, the jeweller's. EARLY RISING IN CONNECTICUT. The Editor of the Eglantine says, that the girls in Con- necticut, who are remarkable for their industry, drink a pint of yeast before going to bed at night, to make them rise early in the morning. EXTRAORDINARY MOTTO. The New York Morning Herald has the following for its motto: — Take no shin-plasters, all damned rogues who issue them — live temperately — drink moderately— eschew temperance societies — take care of the sixpences — never trust a s.iint -go to bed at ten— rise at six— never buy on credit— fear God Ahnighty— love the beautiful girls— vote against Van Buren— and kick all politicians and parsons to the devil. SAM slick's description OP A TEE-TOTALLER. I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them are chaps. He was as thin as a whippin post.j His skin looked like a blown bladder after some of the airl has leaked out, kinder wrinkled and rumpled like, and his' eye as dun as a lamp that's livin on a short allowance of j ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs, allj legs, shaft, and head, and no belly: real gander-gutted lookin critter, as holler as a bamboo walking cane, and 1 wei the thai that said 'cooi ofot thinj atoE knov tree; out, ' reply rug Al lately mibjec and 01 his pa h!i 89 I "P abve a, .„„ «, .^e W made MoL. Y^u ™ C he d.ap to .train at a gnat and ^allew JZTil2 shank, and flank, all at a guJp. "^el, tank, A OOOD SHOT. Zf r rf ^ ^'^ to no man in killing racoons^ laKe; T*^'''^'°*''*^^-^^- "WhalTtZ;^ r ^f '"^'^^^^ " I nuke nothing of killing a hundred 'coon a-day, or'narv luck » '< n« , ^ hundred «*« * /! , ^ ^ y<*" ^°ow Captam Scott .four .uter-aAod a Tenno^ean bystander, "het«^e' thmg Uke a ,ho.. A hundred 'coon! why .^ JJ""' MOW U. T other day he levelled at an old 'nn in a hico Focos want to publish any of t/mr ' tn^sh,' I'll do it cheai)cr; and what is more, I won't refuse kitchen shin plasters. Traah for trash is but fair." ADVANTAGE OF BURNING TWO CANDLES. • A celebrated American judge has a very stingy wife: on a recent occasion she received his friends in the drawing- room with a single candle. « Be pleased, my dear," sakl his lordship, "to let us have a second candle, that we may see where the other stands." FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE. An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec? " Yes, yes." « And how did you like bmi?" "Oh vastly!" " But how did you happen to know h.m| " " Happen to know h\ml-Whf/ 1 ate a piece of • I 48 less consists in bedstead. I there allow'd Masonic Hall, you can't find I trash as that, d give mo an en's Answer: our grammar those in your 1 less than a md if Timothy eir ' tn^sh,' I'll refuse kitchen LES. * ingy wife: on the drawing- ly dear," said that we may d known the did you like jpen to know te a piece of SCIENTIFIC NATURE OP LINCII LAW. Sam Shck, the Yankee humourist, discribes thispopular steeple to see if it is perpendicular." FARE REDUCED. There is one advantage, as will be seen from the follow, .ng anecdote, in W priee,:_A gentleman, in one o he ^encan steam-boat,, asked the clerk, wien he paid hi tZT.T '""'"P"^ "^P""""' "No, sir, not in ftejeast; we can. afford to Wownp people 'at a' dollar ABSENCE OF MIKD. A Mr Jabe^ J. Jenkinson, of Arkan««, whose sight is uch as to render glasses ne^ssa^, p„. ^ spectacf^ „„ h« ear mstead of his sye, one day to week, L aetau! walked three mile, side ways in a heavy nun before ht^u covered his mistake. NAHANT NUTMEGS. 'WT-y, says I, " I have been away up south a speculatinir m nutmegs.. "1 bope," says the Pr»fes«,r, "'heywer! mS "^ ' ? ""■' "«'" "^°™ 8™"'»» *-«■•• "n" ritfl T ' """ """^' '^'^'•- '""^ -« all pnme, tot chop; but why do you a. that are question," Why" says he, "that eternal scoundrel, that Captain and he earned a cargo oneo there of fifty barrels of nut- 44 megs: well, he put a half-a-bushel of good ones into each end of the barrel, and the rest he filled up with wooden ones, so Uke the real thing, no soul could tell the differ- ence until hs hit one with his teeth, and that he never thought of doing, until he was first bU himself. U3E IS SECOND NATURE. Major N , upon being asked whether he was seriously injured when the St. Leonard steamer's boUer exploded, replied, that he was so used to being blown up by his wife that a mere steamer had no effect upon him. CHEAP SUBSTITUTE FOR SUGAR. ^e lovely Miss SUgoumey of RoseviUe Cottage, smiles with such exquisite sweetness as to render the introduction of a sugar-basin unnecessary at the largest tea-party. The glances of her not less charming sister, Patience, have been known to penetrate the heart of the least susceptible swains at the range of an ordinary rifle. TARNATION CUTE. There is a man in Nashville who is so tarnation cute, that when he rises of a morning, he puts his hand out of the win- dow to feel tf U is ligU! (Finger^ we suppose.) CAUSES FOR MARRIAGE. One man marries a woman because she looks well when she dances-she never dances afterwards. Another man marries because she has a handsome foot and ancle— which after marriage he never takes the trouble to admire. A third marries for love— which wastes with the honey-moon. ones into each ip with wooden tell the differ- that he never le was seriously oiler exploded, up hy his wife 'ottage, smiles e introduction a-party. The nee, have been ieptible swains tion cute, that mtof thewin- se.) 'ks well when Another man ancle — which 9 admire. A honey-moon. 45 A fourth for money-and finds that his wife does not choose to die, to complete his satisfaction. A fifth, being old m wisdom and years, marries a young woma^, .ho soon^comes a suitable match for him, by g^wing old A NOTION. A down-easter has invented a patent umbrella, with a m^t^r around the edge, which causes the rain to run off at ono point! ^* VALID EXCUSE FOR DRUNKENNESS. "Jem, you've been drinking." -No, I haven't: I've Z^tZ^ ''''''- "- '-'^^^^^ -' ^^ was too CAUTION. effects of tight lacing.-" A word to the wise," &c. TO MAKE A MATCH. Catch a young gentleman and lady, the best you can; let the young gentleman be raw, anu the young lady be quite tender. Set the gentleman at the dinner table; put ;n a good quantity of wine, and whilst he is soaking, stick ma word every now and then about miss; this will help make him bod. When gettingred in the gills, take him m^ the draM.ng.room, set him by the lady, and soap them both well ^.th green tea; then set them at the piano, and ^Z! : *"' *'' '''' ^^"^^= -^- y- ^- the gentleman sigh, it is time to take them off, as they .re 46 ^ warm enough. Put them by themselves in a comer of the room, or on a sofa, and there let them simmer together for the rest of the evening. Repeat this dose three or four times; taking care to place them side by side at the dinner and they wUl be ready for marriage whenever you want them. After marriage, great care must be taken, as they are apt to get sour. TOUCHING, IP TRUE. A respectable shop-keeper in Boston, on beinj apprised of the sudden death of his wife, was so much affected and the mtensity of his grief was such, that he deliberately walked up the chimney for the purpose of giving verU to his feelings! TARNATION THIN. An ingenious friend of ours who has been on the lean list for some time, informs us he has got so thin now, that he cmH see his reflection in a looking glass ! , CARVING. "Shall I cut this loin of mutton saddle-wise? " said a gentleman. "No," said one of the guests, « cut it bridle- wise, for then I may chance to get a bit in my mouth." An Irishwoman called on an apothecary in New York with an infant that was unwell, to beg something for it! The apothecary gave her soine powder, of which he ordered as much as would lie on a sixpence to be given every morning, when the woman said, "Perhaps you will lend me a sixpence the while, as I havn't got one at aU." 47 n a comer of nmer together e three or four at the dinner, iver you want taken, as they FRIENDSHIP. Friendship's a very good thing in its way; we aro all very friendly and comfortable at the Stamp, for instance over our grog, where every man pays for himself, but damn hurtmg yourself for anybody else, you know! No man should have more than two attachments-the first to number one, and the second to the ladies: that's what I say. ein^f apprised affected and deliberately living vent to on the lean in now, that ise!" said a ut it bridle- mouth." New York, hing for it. » he ordered given every a will lend all." SHARP. An eastern editor, in alluding to a rival town, says, that I It takes several of their pigs to pull up a blade of grass; that they are so poor, the foremost seizes the spear in his mouth, the balance having taken each other by the tail when they give a pull, a strong pull, and a pull altogether' and if It breaks, the whole tumble to the ground for want of sufficient strength to support themselves. It must take three or four such pigs to make a shadow. An Irishman being asked by a Yankee if he could dance a minuet, repUed, «aye, by Japers, I'd dance an hour! " SAM WELLERISH3. " If you know'd who was near, sir, I rather think you'd change your tune, as the hawk remarked to himself with a cheerful laugh, ven he heard the roWn-redbroast a-sing- ing round the comer." "Don't say nothin* wotever, ma'am," replied Sam, "I only assisted nature, ma'am, as the doctor said to the boy's mother, arter he bled him to death.'* "Sorry to do anything as may cause an interroption to 48 such merry pleasant proceedings, as the king said, von he dissolved the parliament." A comedian at Boston, by way of puff for his approach- Dear Public, you and I of late, Have dealt so much in fun, I'll crack you now a monstrous great Quadruplicated pun I Like Affrate full of coals I'll glow, « ' A (/reat full house to see ; And if I am not grateful too, ^ great fool I must be! NEW SPORT FOR OLD JOHN. A tavern keeper in Long Island advertises . fat hog to be ^.^ for at a dollar a guess; the guesser guessing nearest the weight of the hog to have him. Z ^l thas new game of skill will be adopted by that incorri^ble gamester, old John Bull, and guessing become as muc^ in vogue throughout the Old England as it has been in t ^ A POSER. A Yankee went to see a collection of wild beasts- ^ hde he was looking at a monkey, some one asked him if It d.d n t ,j ^^^^j ^^^^^ ^^ but 1 11 tell you who it does look like. It looks like Mr ? said, ven ho his approach, perusal of his it a. fat hog to er guessing We guess incorrigible as much in been in the I beasts. — ked him if '* said he, cs like Mr. 49 — ., the Ohio memb«. of Congress/' There was a loud burst of laughter at hissaying so, and upon turning r^n' he saw Mr. _ of Ohio, about three feet from hfm Ho bowed to the company, and said he had either slande "d r "^^^,^7-^- — . and if they would teU him whil he would beg his pardon. * CANDID. "^««»"'ii'«ya»«reoOTre.der.,th.i „fa,f„„»fj,. ■ng off .n .he oiroulation of o„, p.pe., .he den^nd for U h« «c«a«d four-fold; »d if .he «l™«i»m,„ta contoue U, pour ,„ upon u, „ .he, ^ dotag, our heal.h ,.„.. .uf. fer from over^xctement-wUl it be beU,>ved! our eye. have ^ne u>geu>er for .he la., .hree „ighu."-i»„^<^ ,Jria .^ ttpa^: such «. e.I Of a no« he.ween .he.."-,V« YANKEE GALLANTBY. va^i,"^",''^" "" °^*""« ^^"^^« ^^^«^«' finely varmshed and coloured, and with a looking-glass in front, to a ce. Urn huJy not remarkable for personal beauty. ^^y, It's beautiful," said the vender. ^' Beautiful, in- deed! a look at it almost frightens me!" said the lady. Then, marm," replied Jonathan, « I guess you'd better buy one that han't got no looking-glass." ARITHMETICAL MANIA. As for Latin and Greek, we don't valy it a cent; we toach It, and so we do painting and music, because the B h- no.hu,g u, do, «,d wriUng i. pUg„, .,, ^ ^. . l.k. .nother n..n u to have il mUtaken for hi.'„. Omier. <^ » the .h.„g_i/ . „^ k„<,„. i„„ ^ »» A NEW BNOLiND ARnsT. The flMto, Trafucript eulogize, «„ .mj,, „, ,fc„ ^, . mo.t ura,eM»«d te™,, .„d ,™d. „p »i,h the follo,ri„g there „ . ^ «^ ,„j^p,. „^ ^^ ^^^^ ^_^ ^^ . rport::^.::''"*"'"" *- ""'"" ^— 'H«ngp„. LOVE SICK WILLV, One Waiy Wright who kept a .tore, But nothing kept therein, Save earthen jugs, and some few kegs Of whisky, ale, and gin. Grew sick, and often would exclaim, " Oh, how my poor heart bums! " And every week the poor man lived. He had a weakly turn. Now, when they saw him thus decUne, Some said that death must come; Some wondered what the aU could be; Some said his ail was rum! even in them for them that pt to bring a I his name so >'n. Cypher- er, he is sure wo all cjfiiheT. r that city in he following oke the fire, n him break striking pro- ^1 At last the very cause was known Of every pang he felt; Remote, at one end of the town, MiM Martha Townsend dwelt. A portly, love-resisting dame, Contemptuous, proud, and haughty; But yet, though " fat and forty," too. She was not two and forty. And Willy long had sought and sighed, To gain this pretty maid; " I have no trade, " said he, " so, uure, My love can't be betrayed." To Martha, then, he trembling went, And said, " my dear, 'tis true, Though I hare nothing in my store, I've love in store for you. '* And if thou wilt, thou may'st become *'- But here his tongue was tied; And then she bridled up, and said, She ne'er would be his bride. Then, turning Willie out of doors, She said, "go, go along; I hate the man who's always Wright, Yet always doing wrong.'* 52 " I leave you, then," said he: «fareweU» Uf peace I'm now bereft; If I am always Wright and wrong You must be right-and left." ' So then he closed his little store Shut up his door and blind- And settled his accounts, and'died And left no Will behind. SPIEIT OP IMITATION. . "c »pmt of imitation is preservpH a toph on a negro baby at Savannah l^^^^' ^" «P»- Wighted %/" savannah, commences « Sweet A GRAND ANNOUNCEMENT hund^d .„„ fort, ^ruL^'cr * ""' ,'f" *- "« of pasturaue » Thn • ' ^ *"* unlimited right THE WEIGHT OP LIGHT. An old lady, remarkable for her confi,«,H -a . -eaning of words, thus describedVcl^' ^^^ ^ *'^ 'ng:-"It wasabeautifiil bright ll^tkTT" "'" everything aa %A/ a. a cor>fe/ " "'^^'-*^« ^oon made Jwelll 53 DOMESTIC ECONOMY. Irishmen work better and cheaper than blacks, and they dont hve 80 long. The blacks, when they are past work hang on for ever, and a proper bill of expense they be; but ho weather and new rum rub out the poor rates for t'other ones. p the pertin- '8, and man- date funeral d. An epi- ces "Sweet some bees, placard: — SB than one nited right to admira- eas of the ner even- on made " PRODIGIOUS." A dashing Kentuckian describes the richness of the soil of that State of States," by saying, « If you plant a nail at night, twUl come up a spike next mommg." DROLL, BUT TOUCHING, In the crowded saloon of Mr. Catlin, at the Indian lec- ture last night, m the midst of an intently interesting discourse, a person raised himself on tiptoe, and, in a solemn and earnest manner said:-" Mr. Catlin, Sir, Mill you have the goodness to stopfer one moment?" The audience looked with astonishment, and the lecturer paused. «I have lost my little boy in the crowd, and I wish to call him." A dead silence ensued among the twelve hundred people assembled. " Clark Potter " cried the father; «^er. / am, fatJu^r! " squealed a shrill little voice ma distant comer. Shouts of laughter followed; the urchm was handed over the crowd to the anxious parent, and Mr. Catlin proceeded with his lectures m peace. 0RASSH0PPEB5. 2Tr"T^":'^ "^^^^ feUows-theyhave dumb wives.. It IS the male insect only that sings." So says the B 2 54 editor of the LouUvWe Journal. We wonder if the gentle- man was henpecked? K«"we- AN EXCUSE. A genUeman fading hi, «n™t ine.xio.ted, «id, tost night, and here you are drunlc again." " No, maMa- »ame drunk, n,a.»; aame drunV repUed Sambo. ANl'IPODEAN DIVEB, Sam Patch was a great diver, and the laat dive he toolt ^n .U. t other day, when Capbdn Enoeh Wentworth, of the Su.y Ann, whaler, eaw hun in the South Sea. « Why ■• «.y. Captain En«,h to him, " Why, Sam," ea™ he " how on ttirlh did vou iret hni«< i .i.„ ^1 ' *!■« f^ T ,.* thought you was drowned at ae Canadum Ime,." " Why." „y, Sau, j ji<,„,j J N^pwad.™, I went ao everh«Ungly deep, I thought it When get b«* to Beaton, then my name', not^ HIC JACET. tumpAe road m Amerioa, he pereeived a notie. of " whi,- W, nun, b,baeco, &e.,» on a hoard whieh bore a .tZ^ r^°* to a g»™ atone. « I .m glad to «e,« Z tte D^tor to the giri who received the toH, .'ti;.„ou U™ been burying .h«e thing.." "And i; we h^» U, 55 if the gentle- ioated, said, being drunk 'No, massa; ibo. iive he took er heerd of sntworth, of ». "Why," 8 he, " how Irowned at idn't get on In that ^ere thought it ^ I came in ea serpent, I not Sam said the girl, « I don't doubt but that you would have chief mourner!*' gone " AMAZIN* *CUTE." ne.ghbour waa, and when to heard hi, name, aaked him if he wamt a fool. -No, n,y little folkr," eald ho "he be»t a fool, he « a most particular «,„,ibl. man; but why d.d,„u ax that question!" "Why," said the little boy, mother sa,d, t'other day, you we« next door to a foot «.d I wanted to know who lived next door to you." His m<«lher felt pretty ugly, 1 guess, r , Ae heard him run right slap up agm that fere breaks, . FILIAL OBEDIENCE. " How old are ye1» said Mr. Major Kiplins to a dwarfish youngman "Twenty." "I wonder you am't right down ashanied ox being no bigger; you look like a boy of ten." All comes of being a dutiful child." « How so?" « When I was ten fether put his hand on my head, and said ♦ Stop ^d didn't thmk it right in me to^ on^roun^^ unthout A« ) toll on a of"whis. e a strong see," said ' that you we had," DBUNK ON A CENT. " What a charming bouquet! " said a fascinating lady in the presence of the facetious B_, who was holding a nosegay, "I almost adore flowers; my senses become in- toxicated with their odour." Haf madam," said B you don't mean to say you ever «et drunk on a scent {cent.)" se B ' D TIMES. MODEST ASSURANCE. In the last week's Jlerald we published fifty-four col respopdence, and markets. This auanH^v.f i */ I^bwry. The whole of thi, HeraU meter r«,Id for a 'lulling per week-the PanOly Library not ^1, -re, for My cent, per copy. L poi^', :l;;t:« ™naen.en. the ^.™« fo, „„. „,,^ .. ,„^,^^ ^;;'- ^ r ' .? ' ''°'"' ™'""«»f tie Fandiy Libra,, «,ld 3«eae the -Wo.t™r:;ri;rtr:c2 ^d»,tew.andgan.i„,ho„.,. We are creating ^a. »^f*, every^y, origin^ ^,^ J '^J have m our employ ,« to eight original wrill^'^^H e.pe„ditu,« for Ute«^ labour alon^T,^! i,?' °" wppkt R.,*„i, i *., , """'*''* nearly Adl 50 per aTpai W "" "'«P"''«-P>t«,ni.e us beyoL any paper that ever eidsted m New York. Durin/the la. week „„ advertiring amounted to 122 ««.«, whi'h ttot week. By our cash book the eum total of last week-, wa. about one thou«nd ave hundred. Our »,„„!!! ..ble men-the pretty women-the eaeh sytem-ming imore Chton- here without fty-four col- •eportg, cor- letter-presa >ep's Family s sold for a containing ty, wit, and and a half abrary sold jpary book- ie, entirely h from the ing a peal, ure. We y and our £3150 per us beyond uring the Bs, which, tollars for fit week's ronage is ' the sen- n — rising 57 ^rly a-momings-and the sweet smiles of the ever Blessed Vu^n who looks down from heavenuponme at everlf" dearbnght moon, and says with a smSe, « Go LhlJ, m son-go a-head, my dear boy.» ^ A TWO EDGED AEOUMENT. Late one evening, Drunken Davy, after spending his day's eanungs at a grocery, set out for home "Well ' said he, «if I find my wife ud I'll lint i, x. ' ness hA« .1,. ♦ •. ^' ^^ i»er— what busi- ness has she to sit up, and waste fire and light, eh? and if f^: " '''' ''" "^^ ^^--h-t busif es^ ha^ Te to go to bed before I get home? " A BOY WANTED. f ■?' ""^ '""-""K laconic advertfaement,-" A bo, wanted." o„ going .o hi, ,hop noxt morning he ^h^d A MAN OP PHINCIPLE. rae honour of newspaper editor, i, part and parcel of a pubUoweliare. The Mowing dialogue i, an unanswer- m h« study. A long, thin, ghaslly-risaged gentleman was «n„„nced With an asthmatio voi. %„! in a ZZZ ed^y transfaed hun w.th a fiery pa^graph next morning, ft.sUa,,ger sa.d,_"Sir, yonr journal of yesterday oo^ X d!* "^rr"""-" " '-•»«!•"•. Sir; but teS me. what do you allude to! •• " You «Ud that Mr. M. h«l be«, 58 tried." "True." "Condemned! »» "Veiytrue/* "Hun«" -Most true." "Now, sir, I am the gentleman himself" Impossible!" "I assure you it is a feet; andnowlhope you will contradict what you have alleged." «By no means, sir." How, what do you mean; you are deranged' ' I may be so, sir, but I will not do ic." « I will complain tea magistrate." "As you please; but I never retract. The most that I can do for you, is to announce that the rope broke, and that you are now in perfect health. I have my principles, sir; I never deceive." A POSER. One of the New York Papers gives the following as one of &e latest Wall-Street reportsr-A Locofoco was dam- rung the banks for suspending specie payments, when the president of one of them passing, turned and asked him what he had to comphun of. "Why, the rascally banks have stopped payment, and we can't get specie fcr our rogs. "Here, then, you shall have nothing to grumble about-hand out your bills, and I'll cash them-hand them out. It ,s useless to say that no draft was made upon the gen leman's deposits. The moral is, that those who have the least money make the most fuss. VERY LIKELY. A correspondent, m writing from the hills, says « so mtense has been the heat here, that sportsmen have' been afraid, on more occasions than one, to load their fowlinir. pieces, lest the powder should ignite without the aid of flmt or percussion." Now this is nearly as good as the gentleman who wrote from America, that "the fogs were «=^--«WteB^^^ (. >/* "Hung." an himself.'* i now I hope 1." «Byno ■e deranged! ill complain >ver retract, ice that the Itb. I have (^ingas one > was dam- ), when the asked him cally banks lie fcr our o grumble hand them e upon the who have says, ««go bave been ' fowling- the aid of >d as the fogs were 59 so intense, that when he put his walking-stick above his head, it stuck fast." WHIPPING A PANTHEB. There Uved in the west three brothers, John. Dick, and Bill, fkmed for their propensity for quarrel and love of fightmg. They invariably attended every public place, and elicited a fight if there was a possible chance. And ivhat was very remarkable, the oldest brother present would always claim the privilege of fighting, though a younger one might have brought about the quarrel. So steadfastly was this privilege adhered to, that Bill, the younger, never could have a fight, bvit would often cry and say, "that his brothers wouldn't let hhn have a fight, though he b heved he was a better man than any of 'em." He was «o anxious to try his prowess, and begged so hard for a chance, that it was agreed among them, that the next fight which could be raised should belong exclusively to BUI. Not long after this determination, John and Bill went out upon a hunting excursion. They had wandered about for some time in the woods, when stopping to rest they discovered a panther couched upon a limb, and in the' act of springing upon th«m. Before John, who had the nfle, could shoot it, it had lit upon Bill, who drew from its sheath his hunting-knife, and with his hands and feet commenced a desperate fight. The panther would no sooner light upon him, than its hold was cut loose, which rendered it frantic, and for a long time thev each fought with aU the spirit of desperation. During this scene, John the oldest brother, stood by, leaning carelessly on his rifle,' apparently an unconcerned spectator of the fight. The' 60 fl' r ""i r'™«''- »'»'' »'»"■« ««" .tripped ™th bl«rf Fortunately Bill', knife fo„„d j^ ^ * rf. «M helong exdusiv.,, ,„ „„, ^^^ ,. .„^ J "-" ■t had been a beautiful flght-that BUI had given gZ rntrthl; ^°~"'I'''"'="'™P'<»«i"gtoBiU. Ho went to the brook, wa.hed the blood from hi, body bor much feme Bdl wa, at once exalted above hi, brother, •nd ever afterward, retained hi, «puti„n; for he 2o^ «"..pped a panther at fair fight, could .e;r getalTan^ of Io«„gh„ hard^med fiune by fighttag wit^ a nj FEMALE EDUCATION. A« American paper give, a pleasant dcMription of the ■»™«ge of an honest firmer ™th a young ladv i„« graduated .from a female county acade^fft^/^'r dene fterem of about ,i. „„„,„. He h^band bZ of the month when our forefather, landed at Plymouth^ know, the name of eve,y capital town in the vZ^ m to an mch how «« it i, fi^m hence to the IZTI tOmk ,1,0 call, them; i, y„u ,b„uM bore a hole Cgh ere stripped ly besmeared '8 way to the fonist. This earning with 1 up to his ^g assisted promisb he d be raised same time, given good mself with )Bill. Ho body, bor- afterward himself so i brothers, i who had a chance man. on of the ady, just >!* a resi- 1, boast- and day ymouth; ion; can yoodes I bkrough 61 the globe, and chuck a mill-stone into it, she can tell to a shaving what would become of the millstone. She is like wise a monstrous pretty painter, and can paint a puppy so well tlmt you'd take it for a lion, and a sheep that lookl as big and as grand as an elephant. She knows all about chemistry, and says that water is made of two kinds of rin • and air is made of ox-gin and nitre-gin, or (what is thJ same thmg m English) saltpetre-gin. She says, that bum- ing a stick of wood in the fire is nothing buta play of co;;!,'- ca/ (chemical) infinity, and that not a particle of the matter wbeh belonged to the stick is lost, but only scattered about hke chaff in a hurricane." A sailor's notion. A sailor seeing some of our domestic slave-traders drivini? coloured men, women, and children on board ship for New Orleans market, shook his head and said, " Jem, if the devil don tcatch them feUers, we might as weU not have any devil." THE VALUE OF A WIG. A southern paper relates the following story of an officer of the army, who, having lost his hair during an illness contracted at New Orieans, provided himself with a hand- some wig before starting on a late campaign in Florida. In an engagement with the Seminoles, he was wounded, and feUto the ground, where he lay without the power to nse. The red enemy, who wounded him, came up for his scalp. The officer feigned to be dead, and breathed as low and softly as possible. The Indian stood over him, drew his laiife, passed it fearfully and quickly round the head of his victim; and then, with a « whoop!" bounded with his bloody trophy into an ever-glade. The officer afterwarda got back in safety to his camp, and relates with much gleo the story of the loss of his wig! A DIALOGUE. " Look here, Sambo, you got dat quarter dollar you owes mel " Sambo. " La! Cufif, noj money so scarce, so many stopperages in Mobile, there ain't no money in circumla- tion." Cuff. " O sho, Sambo, what de nashum you got to do with Mobile? Nigger, pay up! pay up!" Sambo. "WeU, look here. Cuff, me hear massa tell more dan twenty men dat same tale; and I ain't see no gentleman treat hun like you me. Act like a gentleman if you is a nigger." A KENTUCKY STEAM-BOAT. The following specimen of the western superlative is said to be from the mouth of a Kentucky steam-boat cap- tain. While dilating, in a strain of exuberant commenda- tion, on the excellence of his craft, he says, " She trots off like a horse— all boiler— full pressure; it's hard work to hold her in at the wharfs and landings. I could run her up a cataract. She draws eight inches of water, goes at three knots a minute, and jumps all the snags and sand- banks." A GENTLE HINT. A native of the Emerald Isle lately went to consult the printer of a newspaper in a neighbouring county respect- ing his runaway apprentice. The printer proposed to ad- vertise him in the usual form, with a suitable reward. afterwards much gleu [• you owes e, 80 many circumla- fou got to Sambo, more dan gentleman f you is a erlative is boat cap- tmmenda- B trots off 1 work to 1 run her ', goes at ind sand- nsult the respect- ed to ad- reward. 63 This did not meet Patrick's idea; " he did not wish to ad- vertise him, only jist to give him a hint." After vari.>u8 attempts at framing a suitable notice, the following was suggested by himself as all-sufficient, namely:— Patrick Flaggherty would inform his apprentice, Timothy Dough- erty, that he does not wish to expose him, but give him the hint to return to his master, and serve out his indenture like a good boy, or he will be advertised in the newspapers. He is only eighteen years of age, though he thinks he is twenty-one. PRACTICAL LACONICS. " Hillo, master,'* said a Yankee to a teamster, who ap- peared in something of a hurry, " What time is it? Where are you going? How deep is the creek? And what is the price of butter? " " Past one, almost two— home— waist deep — and eleven pence," was Ihe reply. VICE-VERSA. As a canal-boat was passing under a bridge, the captain gave the usual warning by calling aloud, " Look out!" when a little Frenchman, who was in the cabin, obeyed the order by popping his head out of the window, which received a severe bump, by coming in contact with a pillar of the bridge. He drew it back in a great pet, and ex- claimed, "Dese Amerikans say, 'Look out!' when dey mean 'Look in!'" TERY STONY. The following whimsical circumstance and peculiar coin- cidence, it is said, actually took place some time since:— HlMir^ jfT'il^i A boat ascending the Ohio river was hailed by another boat, when ll following conversation ensued:—" What boat is that?" " The Chorryitone" "Whence came youl » " From Redstow. ," " Where are you bound to? " " Lime- stone." "Who is your captain?" "Thomas Stone." "What are you loaded with?" ''Millstones and grind- stones." " You are a hard set to be sure; take care you don»t go to the bottom— Farewell." ▲ NEW WAY OP OAININO A SUIT. The Baltimore Transcript gives the following:— Tis not every lawyer that can gain his suit, even with a show of argument on his side. The following case, therefore, may be considered the more extraordinary, where there was not the slightest causes of action:— A few days since a black fellow came running in breathless haste to the dweU- ing of a grocer, whose store is in Pratt-street, stating, that in removing a hogshead of molaoses at the store, it had burst and covered Mr. from head to foot, and that he had been sent as fast as he could run to bring him another suit of clothes, before he could move out of his track. The kind lady of the grocer did not wish to see her husband so entirely « buried in sweets," and with be- coming haste delivered to the supposed messenger a new ; suit throughout, with which the rogue decamped, well pleased that his own villany had furnished him with a valid excuse for disappearing in a hurry. A YOUNG CHAP. A gentleman, travelling, found by the wayside a man he supposed to be eighty years of age, weeping most bitteriy. 65 by another :— " What aiue youl " ' "Lime- M Sione.'* nd grind* 9 euro you —lis not % show of jfore, may there was ^8 since a :he dwell- ting, that •re, it had foot, and )ring him >ut of hifl six to see with be- er a new »ed, well a. with a i man he bitterly. Desirous to learn the cause of such immoderate grief, he inquired of the old gentlenutn why it was that he was cry- ing. He was informed that his father had just been whip- ping him I "Your father!" exclaimed the astonished traveller, " is it possible that your father is alivel" " Yes, Sir," said the mourner, " he lives in that house," pointing to a small habitation near the road. The traveller ya» anxious to see the father, and accordingly turned into ;h''^*'M**aMiH Mir J 66 fire, and said he could not think of going without first giving her a kiss. " Friend," said she, " thee must not do it." "Oh, by heavens I will!" repUed the barrister. " Well, friend, as thou hast sworn, thee may do it; but thee must not make a practice of it." AMERICAN WHIP. "You were capsized the other day, Mr. Driver," said a passenger. « Yes, Jackson, I was; but nobody was hurt. The tongue of the pole broke in going down a hill, and I was afraid of running to the bottom of it, so I told the passengers to sit quiet, for I was only gomg to upset them. They sat still, and I turned them over a bank and stopped the horses. I'm banged, if I didn't." AN AMERICAN DECLARATION— NOT OF INDEPENDENCE. Should any of our readers be at a loss how to make love, we recommend the following style, as being of the newest pattern: '« Will you undervally yourself, so much as to overvally me, so much as to keep company with me?" The propitious answer to this is, " No undervallyment at all, Sir." A iiEPUBLICAN ARISTOCRAT. On Crockett's return to his constituents after his first session in Congress, a nation of them surrounded him one day, and began to interrogate him about Washington. " What time do they dine at Washington, Colonel?" asked one. « Why," said he, " coiumon people, such as you here, get their dinners at one o'clock, but the gentry and big uns dine at three. As for ^«, representatives, we dine # 67 thout firat ust not do barrister. do it; but r/' said a was hurt, ill, and I [ told the set them, i stopped DENCE. aake love, iie newest oh as to ith mel" yment at his first him one jhington. ?" asked 1 as you ntry and we dine at four, and the aristocracy and the senate, they don't get their victuals tiU five." « Well, when does the President fodder?" asked another. "Old Hickory!" exclaimed the colonel (attempting to appoint a time in accordance with the station), "Old Hickory! well, if he dines before the next day, I wish I may be tee-toUy ruinated— that's a fact!" THE HIT PALPABLE. A few days since, a traveUer stepped into a bank located in a viUage in the neighbourhood of this city, and, imme- diately after his entrance, pulled off his hat, coat, and cravat J this done, he cast a look at the cashier, who was seated in a comer " calm as a summer's morning," and, with a commanding shake of his head, said, " Sir, hadn't you better be gettin' that 'ere water heated?" The teller informed him that he was in the wrong " shop." " You are in a bank, sir, not in a barber's shop." " A bank, eh !" ejaculated the stranger, "dang me, they told me it was a shaving shop." CROCKETT IN A QUANDARY. "I never but once," said the Colonel, "was in what I call a real genuine quand-ary. It was during my election- eering campaign for Congress; at which I strolled about in the woods so particularly pestered by poUtics, that I forgot my rifle. Any man may forget his rifle, you know; but it isn't every man can make amends for his forgetful- ness by his inventive faculties, I guess. It chanced that as I was strolling along, considerable deep in congressionals, the first thing that took my fancy was the snariing of some -^ 68 young bears, which proceeded from a hollow tree; the entrance being more than forty feet from the ground. I mounted the tree; but I soon found that I could not reach the cubs with my hands; so I went, feet foremost, to see if I could draw them out with my toes. I hung on, at the top of the hole, straining with all my might to reach them, until at last my hands slipped, and down I went more than twenty feet to the bottom of that black hole, and there I found myself almost hip-deep in a family of fine young bears. I soon found that I might as well under- take to climb up the greasiest part of a rainbow as to get back, the hole in the tree being so large, and its sides so smooth and slippery from the rain. Now this was a real^ genuine, regular quand-ary! If so be I was to shout, it would have been doubtful whether they would hear me at the settlement; and if they did hear me at the sattlement, the story would ruin my election; for they were a quantity too 'cute to vote for a man who had ventured into a place that he could'nt get himself out of. Well now, whUe I was calculating whether it was best to shout for help, or to wait in the hole until after the election, I heard a kind of fumbling and grumbling over head; and, looking up, I saw the old bear coming down stem foremost upon me. My motto is always 'Ob a-headr and as soon as she had lowered herself within my reach, ^ qot a tight grip of her tail in my left hand, and with my little buckhom-hafted penknife in the other, I commenced spurring her forward. I'll be shot if ever member of Congress rose quicker in the world than I did! She took me out in the shake of a lamb's tail." #» V tree; the ground. I Id not reach }st, to see if g on, at the reach them, went more : hole, and mily of fine veil under- •w as to get its sides so was a real^ shout, it hear me at sattlement, a quantity nto a place w, while I help, or to '. a kind of S up, I saw a me. My s she had jrip of her om-hafted r forward, iker in the hake of a 69 REAL KENTUCK*. '* I had taken old Betsy," says Crockett, "and strangled off to the banks of the Mississippi river; and meeting with no game, I didn't like it. I felt mighty wolfish about the head and ears, and thought I would spile if I wasn't kiv- ured up in salt, for I hadn't had a fight in ten days; and I cum acrost a fellow floatin^ down stream sittin' in the stern of his boat fast asleep. Said I ' Hillo, stranger! if you don't take keer your boat will run away with you,' — and he looked up, and said he, ' I don't vally you.' He looked up at me slantendiclar, and I looked do^.i upon him slantendiclar; and he took out a chaw of turbaccur, and said he ' I don't vally you that.' Said I, 'Cum ashore, I can whip you — I've been trying to get a fight all the momin': and the varmint flapped his wings and crowed like a caicken. I ris up, shook my mane, and neighed like a horse. He run his boat plump head foremost a-shore. I stood still and sot my triggurs, that is, took off my shurt, and tied my gallusses tight round my waist — and at it we went. He was a right smart coon, but hardly a bait fo such a fcUur as me. I put it to him mighty droll. In ten minutes he yelled enough, and swore I was a rip- stavur. Said I, * Ain't I the yaller flower of the forest? And I am all brimstone but the head and ears, and that 's aquafortis.' Said he, * Stranger, you are a beauty: and if I know'd your name, IM vote for you next election. 'Said I *I'm that same David Crockett. You know what I'm made of. I've got the closest shootin' rifle, the best 'coon dog, the biggist ticlur, and the roughest rocking horse in the district. I can kill more lickur, fool more varmints, and cool out more men, than any man you can find in all 70 Kentaeky.. Said he, ' Good mor,J„>, ,tr»„ger-rn> ».is. fled. Said I, -Good momin', dr; I feel much better «nce our meetin'; but after I got away a piece, I „id, HiUo, friend, don't forget that vote.'" ABERNETHY AND THE SECRETARY OF LEGATION. The Hon. Alden G was dyspeptic, and he suffered great uneasiness after eating, so he goes to Abemethy for advice. " What's the matter with you? " said the Doctor jist tlmt way, without even passing the time o' day with mm— What's the matter with you? " says he. " Why '» says Alden, "I presume I have the dyspepsy." "Ah?" said he, " I see; a Yankee sv ^liows more dollars and cents than he can digest." " I am an American citizen," says Alden, with great dignity; « I am secretary tc your Legation at the Court of St. James's." " The devil you are " said Abemethy; "then you'll soon get rid of your dyspepsy." 1 don t see that ere inference," says Alden; « it don't fol- low from what you predicate at aU; it ain't a natural con- sequence, I guess, that a man should cease to be ill, because he IS called by the voice of a free and enlightened people to fill an important office." (The truth is. you could no more trap Alden than you could an Indian. He could see other folks' traU, and made none himself; he was a real diplomatist, and, I believe, our diplomatists are allowed to be the best in the worid.) " But I tell you it does follow - said the Doctor; « for in the company you'll have to keep you 11 have to eat like a Christian." It was an everlasting pty Alden contradicted him, for he broke out like one raving distracted mad. « I'll be d~d," said he « if ever I saw a Yankee that didn't bolt his food whole, like a boa- 71 —I'm satis- auch better Bce, I said, lTION. he fluflTered emethy for the Doctor, ►' day with " Why,'* ' "Ah?" i and cents izen," says r Legation are," said iyspepsy." ; don't fol- tural con- II, because ed people could no could see 'as a real [lowed to s follow/' I to keep, 'erlasting like one if ever I ce a boa- constrictor. How the devil can you expect to digest food, that you neither take the trouble to dissect, nor time t J masticate? It's no wonder you lose your teeth, for you never use them; nor your digestion, for you overload it; nor your saliva, for you expend it on the carpets instead of your food. It's disgusting; it's beastly. You Yankees load your stomach as a Devonshire man does his cart, as fiill as it can hold, and as fast as he can pitch it in with a dung-fork, and drive off; and then you complain that such a load of compost is too heavy for you. Dyspepsy, eh I infernal guzzling, you mean. I'll tell you what, Mr! Secretary of Legate, take half the time to eat, that you do to drawl out your words, chew your food half as much as you do your filthy tobacco, and you'll be well in a month." THE SCOTCH AND IRISH IN AMERICA. Them ere fellows (the Scotch) cut their eye-teeth afore they ever sot foot in this country, I expect. When they get a bawbee, they know what to do with it; that's a fact. They open their pouch, and drop it in, and it's got a spring like a fox trap-it holds fast to all it gets, like grim Death to a dead nigger. They are proper skinflints, you may de- pend. You can no more put a leak into them than you can send a chisel into teak wood-it turns the ed-e of the tool the first drive. If the blue-noses knew the value of money as well as they do, they'd have more cash, and fewer clocks and tin-reflectors, I reckon. Now, it's different with the Irish; they never carry a purse, for they never have a cent to put in % They are always in love or in liquor, or else in a row; they are the merriest shavers I -»~ -*— jr^KL'^y 72 ten of hun-he'. a fanny fell„w_he p„, a noUce over hi. ™thm .he* wall., for,- «ud he, •• tte one ™H .,. . ^ ago.n «no„g n,y <,„tton., and t'other among „., gall, 1 Wt have no ,ueh Ma^able and dange Js .l"„ In mo on no account • When the Brit .,h wanted our folk, tojom ,n the „.,aro choke «,. wheel, of the slavc^e I^coUec. hearin' „,a J„hr. ,Wanv ,„, we *ad7„r^ humour them ; " for " »iv» h» " ^i, , •"""«■" "o on eaaer term, by .hipping „„, t;.. ,: «,.« Say. he " Ihev work e.u,r and work choa,er. aaa they don'.L» I'J The black., when they are pa,t work, hang on for ever and a proper hiU of expend they be; but hoi weather »d ^ rum mb out .he poor ..es of t'other one..-X» CURRENCY IN TEXAS. •infent repubhc, «,rae Ume dnce, a.ked how they .„„„lied aem«,ve.with a c„„,„cy, ..o," he replied, ' Z.™ money en«,gh. " Ah,« replied «,e inqui™;, ^w^t k.nd ot onrreney have you! Specie, of !„,, « '"^ Zl 1 """ "'r""' " " '''" "^ '"•" »*>«■« oae" forr^™'-'^--"'^"'- In the calve ««Li.■*¥- » -•■♦''* ly have heerd )tice over his »en admitted li sot a flanso Jiy galls, i tiling about ted our folks Slave-trade, ad ought to ^vith labour rs he, "they live so long. >n for ever, i^eather and ones.— ^»i en of this y supplied " we have ►r, "what 1 living so the other; the calves n.