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Original copies in printed paper covers are filmed beginning with the front cover and ending on the last page with a printed or Illustrated impres- sion, or the bacK cover when appropriate. All other original cop:N ft Co.. P'Jitwtittiti*. jj^TT-'V;.'. MXW ':sm':t:*; 3. J^. DPEI^K.^ POST OFFICE BLOCK, ELGIN SL, OTTAWA. Siibscripvions received for any of the leading Period- 2< til8 a'(i5c.cure by means of his influence a position as Eniigra- uon Agent to Great Britain, and in the meantime a gratuitous advertisement in the columns of the Ghhs. r JIMUELBRIGGS, D. B., • ^ Graduate of Coboconlc University. Toronto, July, iSTj. P. a He wouldn't give me the advertisement. J. B. I 4 ■hi- -X I T '»- PREPACK I believe it is cuHtotujiry on the issuing of n !>ook of the iin()ortance which cliaracterizes this Canadian clas- sic, for the author to address a few words to tiie puhh'c by wjiy of preface, explaining liis motives nnd defining his position. My position is readily defuiahio as im- pecunious and my motives are correspondingly ac- q'lisitivt'. These letters were originally written for the Coboconk Irntduttor-^ii paper which has in conse- quenc(? hecome a vath mmurn in every Canadian house. ho \\d systemattcally plagiarised from its chatte <:',)!tnniis hy the Mail. The pubhc were at first slow to accept the existence of tiie University of which I have the hnnor to be a graduate, i\\G [rrmiifttar newspaper aitd ttvc'i the village ofColK^conk itself, as a fact, ami :i\ :n yet ihere may be found oroiiiiinal hardened sreptics as to the two former, so dirficult is it for the li'^^lu Hi truth u> permeate the darkened iuteliect. Ifpon this point 1 will merely observe that if t)i;*re had been no sucli ia^Ututio^ as C >b*)riM»k LTniverHity I could not by any possibility ii - . • .;rt'luated ti^cre as a 1). B. and that it the IrraUatoi were a mvth of the imagination, the Mail would have bee\i un.iole to ex- tract these epistolary gems from its pages. This consi- deration should be sutlieient to satisfy the most mcred- ulous. In response to the demands of a discrimina- -^- ■ \ I 4- IV PKEFACE. live public I iiave thought fit to preserve this corres- pondence in pernameni form, and it one Tory should thereby be brought to a realizing sense of the sui)erior- ity of Gritism and the virtue of Bnnvn, Mackenzie and McKcllar, if one strugglinu: soul should be sustained through life's wilderness-journey hy the exuberance of its poignant huuiorisims, and above all if the sale thereof should result in an influx of shekels, the object of this little book will have been attained — Trusung that at no distant day the conventionalism will truthfully express nay position, 1 sign myself. 'J'be public'- obedient servant, JIMUKL BRIGGSD. B. Graduate of Coboconk University Toronto, July 1873. -*!'" j .. I LEITKR J. Appointment as Special Conmissioner—Interview with McKellar— The Elgin Assoowtion Busiuebs Explained -SoHcits a Ticket for lilt- Grit Guzzltt—Mysteuoiis Connection between Whedbarrows and Champ,igne— Hasty rerininaliun of an Interview. YOUR favour appointing mo your spcxial Com- missioner at Toronto was duly received. As I have binre leaving the University (by tiie back door in order to avoid attention by over obsequious creditors), been in my usual condition of chronic impecuniosity, the appointment was truly welcome. It is true the pecuniar) inducements were not such as to call up visions of the wealth of Golconda — whoever he was — in fact, my position much resembles that lately held by the Hon. E. Blake, a " Minister without a portfolio," so to speak. By the way, what does a Minister want a portfolio for anyway ? But the incidental advantages are an object. T am now a full-fledged member of the press. In that capacity I hftve during the last week attended four Sunday school tea meetings and three concerts, besides being the recipient of innumerable free drinks. POMl' AL RXHRIKNCES This you will perceive reduces my living expenses almost to ii rnininHun. As thore wan nothiiitj muc h elst* doing yestf^rday, I thought I would intLMview Mr. McKcll.ir respective to the Klgiu Associutioii business. So I wc-iit to the Parhjmcnl Uuildings, and enquired for the ;\hle-l)adied (loinnilsHioiur of Agriculture. Au lid: d;; c;imn, or Uiher of ih.: U! ick R')d or ';oin<'tIii!i;4 of t'-.i; sort wl^o stoikd in th : antt.'-c.lr,uul)"r, dili'^'cp.ily occupied in spittin..^ :vt the fire place, s nd he WMs cULrnL^ed, atid v\'o".ld I tak-..* ;i ch.iir ;iud wail. I tn.>I; a chair uiul wniled. iNvr-vcndy a m ui cmei-.^cd iV;;ni die ministerial pre- scr.ce and 1 asked it" I could -^o ir». " ho v Ml want to s.'e hinv on ivasincsi connectivl with the l)e[)jrhn.:nt ot AijjricukHrc," s lid Tru! Usher c>f tiie Bhick Rod. " Nollirg tl.M', T 'icntetuiouslv niunuuri cl. " d'lHHiL;ht so, Haid lu*. " \Vhy so, Pi.id f. " Because of your appearance. You have a turn-up n(}se and cariotty h dr, and look li ke a beat, remarked i',\c unfeeling wretch. [ did not rctply to tl^e « ircasm, l»ut entered the sanc- tiiia sanctorum, and pro'-.trated myself I)efore the great representative of the Agricultural interest. He wdH reclining in an easy chair perusing " Wh;tt 'lktv>vot I'lrming. A mammoth potato lay upon of fI\li:KL HRi<;u»j. Mjj dcak and ever.il paiiphlet^i on sub-soil, plotighiii)^ drain.v^u iiiul surh like .subjects lay aroun iO>e]ieve 'I'l.c Miil. I ouglit l<) know wliethcr I was oi not. It is .-ill a mistake, ' Some horrid hluiKJcr liis bceii made/ as the poet ^\w^,?\ Here's how it h ippencvl. King introduced me to the Diitish puljiic a:s a ijewl soliciting subscriptions for the Association, hence the mistake. Merely a clerical error," *' }fa, ha ! Vl«, c h' ri ra I c crow King being a clcrgy- ni.m. I see. Very good." 5r) saying, I bowfjd myself (>ut of the bucolic pre- sence and took mv ((tM)arti!rc. *'* W'ond*'!- w!»at rliat confounded fool \^■as after," (diserved the Usiicr of the Idivk Roil, as I made my exit. IN riCUVIKW WITH MCKr.M.AR. 'fT'^M^il$mji nMM ■iJli ■^ ^^'rr^-;^ i 1^ ■j/^- Ol llMtJEi L^RKJOS. "Anoth'jr uvo eioilars to bo (lediiclcd from your salary for swearing," said McKellar, who luid over- heard him. "The li-lbrm Fund is rapidly increas- ing/-' McKellar is greil on fund^. In fact hi^ pro-fund- it y^ is something astonisl:ing. Chissic humorism ! 'J1ie interview was a success. 'Hie iuf^n-niation elicited, |>lacesMcKellar's connection witii the affair iii an entirely now liglit. ' t Having heard tlut thorc is shortly to bo a great Gnt guzzle in the Music Hall, I rejolved to secuve a ticket. So I called at the office of NT. G )rdoa Bigelow, the urbane and p olislied Secretary— wham I found over- whelmed with the cares of office. * ' '•You Rie Secretary of the Reform Committee relative to the approaching.guz banqaet, I should say ?"' ■ i .-.. ' ::.;. ■; • - '• " Ye.s, sir, he responded eyeing ine sternly. " I am a member of the press ; an institution, sir, which ranks second to none in importance, which hab changed the destinies of nations, and—" . " Yes ! yes ! I knosv all about that. You want a ticket for the banquet, I suppose?**' ' I suggested that the " uHual courtesies " would meet my views, ; - - -^ *• Well I suppose we'll luuc to put you on the list," i-'akl he, handing nie tlie coveted pasteboard. " It's going to be a gre;.t ;UTair. One thousand i6 KjU f ICA I, fc;X P l-vR I RNCHS guests fxpeoted, and over a hundred bj^skeis of cham pngne ordered— more than p. bottle for each mnn be* fiides other beverages," ♦* Wh) not— to the victors belonjr the spoils." said I, quoting the wclbknown Jacksonian aphorism. " And now," said the Secretary, " please excuse me I have to attend a meeting of the Sub-committee on Cabs, Hand-carts, and Wheebbarrows," " Excuse my apparent pertinacjty, but what m thunder have cabs, haud-carls and wheel-barrows to do with a banquet ?" •' Didn't 1 just now tell you," said the Secretary with a pitying smile at my obtuseness, *« that we had ordereaa hundred baskets of champagne. The con- ne^nion must be obvious to the meane«t intellect," •' Oh I set the point. But why tljcRe gradations of rank in a free country ? Will not the citizen who has paid for his ticket and is conveyed to his domicile in the unpretentious wheel-barrow, exposed to the public gaze, rankle with envy at his neighbour who rolls luxuriously home in a bloated carriage ?" " Party standing and services in the cause are en* titled to recognition. The cabs are for M.P.P.'s only tne hand-carts for Alderj.ien and ward politicians such as Hallani, Bugg, et hoc genui omne^ and the wheel-bnrrowg for the small fry." •"* In which class do you include the press } Excuse my detaining you, but I Imve a pergonal inter«?st in tire .CKS LEl'lKR li. Iiiljr\ie'.v wit's I'.ic rrcuiier -M •.•> ^I'o \'i-">v.s <■!) the.-.; Sin'.di>n- Sill |•.'ptitiou^ liiJormatioii-- W'xnl !^''!' In !;•., li-iil of tic I' 11 iv [ndiirnanl — BfCA n's ,1 N'Mis'ifu! Polifioi.vn — )iiiiu;i't. D;j.sj.'utioti-- Two loii !s >■! \vood -Despair and Consola- rjli^'ir Cohovouk Irradiator : — LAST v»'eck I forwai'ded you ihe dotaiis oi my interview v:itli the Ciiiof of the Dep-frtment of Agriculuire .md ral>i!i'- Woiks nnd yesterday, in ac <:()rdance with your iiislruction-i, I weiV. to see Mowal, ill order to send a report in time for S iturday's issue. I hud some difBeuUy in obtaining an interview, as a gre.it many jjeople were hanging about. •' Is the Premier — that noble and self-sacrificing man, who (juitted the calm, unruffled functions of the bench al the call of duty and the Lieut. Governor, to mingle once more in the stormy arena of politics — round," I enquired of one ot the clerks. " \Vhat do you mean by such insolence," he res- ponded, in an outraged voice, " Your inquiry brands you as a Tory of the deepest dye. (Jet out ot here." *'Why tliis outburst of indignation ?" T meekly asked in a conciliatory tone. " My observations were meant to be complimentary. I dm a representative Ot the Reform i)ress/' ■^13%'- Ul JiML'tL iJRK'.GS. t <♦ You enquired," said he, some.vhat mollifiwd, *' i!' the Piemiei- was round. Tiiis is a gross reflection on his character for honesty and straightforwardness as a munr man cannot be rxmnd. Q.K.D." "True," said I, *' I spoke colloquially rather tl\an mathematically, is he in ?"^-' " He is." And the clerk relapsed into the perusal of the (Jhjhe, which probably accounts for his mental imbecility. Finally my turn came, and I stood before the Kx- Vice-Chancellor. *' 1 came to ask you," said 1, '' how about the situa- tion?" > " You are the thirteenth man," said he, with some vexation, " vvho has come bothering about situations to-day. There are no vacancies at ij^esent. nor likely to be any. We have a lot of Sandtield's old nomuiees here yet, and we can't turn them oil' suddenly, out ot defereme to public opinion. We have to weed them out one by one. "If we were only in the States now we could manage things differently, but we have xiot yet Bucceeded in moulding ijubiic opinion in favour of rotation in office T]ua Peachie business at Brantford raised such a inss we have to proceed very cautiously. Festina knte.'' This, in the noble tongue of the ancients, means "go slow.'' " But me lud," said I, giving him his judicial title, '** the situtation I referred to was the political aspect. mm ■i^mm\nim 10 PvXITICAL fcXPKHiENCKb 1 am no office-seeker, though should the Reform Party choose to reward my euiinent services with an official position, 1 bhould probably follow an illustrious ex- ample and descend to its acceptance. But what 1 caaie for was iuformation." " Well/' said he, "the cause is fl )urishing~Cameron ean't command a doaen votes— the country is safe iu tae haadii of able administrators. That is all I have to communicate. Good morning." 1 could have found out that much by reading the (T/ohe, It didn't satisfy me, so I loafed around to see what news I could pick up. I wasn't going to be put oft^ with, such commonplace remarks us those. Presently Mo\pt passed out. 1 followed like a sleuth-hound on the trail. He met a clerk in the doorway and said in a lo^r tone : " Did you send for Wood as I ordered T' Hfa ! A discovery ! "Not yet," replied the clerk. ^ •♦ Then do so immediafehj or we shall be oiif^ There couU be nc doubfc as to the meaning ol this conversation, Wo Jd feeling himself slighted, was about to go intoop« pjiitiaa with his friea U and overturn the Government ^^^wat ^J'lcl sent for him to offer him a seat in the Cabinet. A further remark which Mowat dropped confirmed my condusioiia. 1 \ OF JIM I KL BKIoriS, I i f hastened off to fo'-ward you thf* news. On my way down town J niet Brown near tlie Globr ^^ffice, and concluded to ask hini for furtlior detaiU. He smiled urbanely upon me. Brown likt;s to en. courage young men of strenuous Reform tendencies. '* Mr Brown " said I, ''yon can perhaps tell me what office Wood is to have." *' Hoot, laddie, he's na gaun to hne ony. We canna weel trust a mon wh i has once betrayed thft pairty,"* ''But I had it from Mowat himself. He sent for him a minute ago and said he was, afraid the Govern, ment would go out if things were not fixed." ** GuJd save us-^an Mowat dared to send for the traitor without consulting Me—the head o' the pairty Hech mon, but the ingratitude o' these upstairgts is ftwfu', Come into the ofTice and tell rae a' aboot it" So saying he rushed into«the <^/o/;^ building in a state of great excitement, whirling his arms about in a f antic manner, " Aweel, p.weel, wha wad ever hae thocht it after a* the trouble I hae had wi' yon chjel Blake, wha was aye wanting in respect and deference to Me that pit him in his poscetiop, noo to hae Mowat disregard, ing my instructions. But 11] let them see. You arc quite certain noo of what you' hef d ?'* '* Oh yes sir—nnd more than that. Mowat went on ^'Z^ ^^^^ ^^^^ ^^^ ^" accord with their gentimenta. ■*Thl« w«t h«f.» \;k.',x«<^i h^j> i T2 lOlJI U Al- KXrERlEICES 1 didn't (juiic catdi the rem irk, but it was s )in.'thing about ' accord" anyhow." '■ Well I'm muckle obleeged to ye for the informa- tion. Just to think o' the giMC-less loons not evi'ii sending the news to the Gle. G-Uig loun' liU Movvat's office again an' see gin ye can h- a onything man-. I mauu find oot a' ab DOt ic, an' if ye can lielp u.-) your reward will be " " Name it, oh generous man !" 1 exclaimed, en- thusiastically, "and my utmjsi exertions shall bo devoted to the effort." " Your reward shali be the praod consciousness o' 1 laving served the interests o' the Great Rcforn> parity !" My enthusiasm at once fell to zero. " I always like to encoumge the young in the path ol duly," continued the Hon:>arablo George, ''and if ye can be o' sairvice, I wad no say but some diy we might gie ye a p )seetion on the Ghhe. " We've been unco 'fashed to get X\v^ news frae Ottawa sin Hubertus left us, an' if ye're guid at sx wark an' can thole a muckle sound dridjliin' now and again we might send ye there." ♦'Thank you sir," said 1, reanimated by the pros- pect, " I'll do my best." " Noo young man let me just gie ye a piece o' advice whilk may aiblins be o' use till ye. Whatever betides always be true to the pairty as represented by the Glohe. Look at liie fate o' them wha hae forgotten X «F JIM UK'. ll.'lIG'V.^. 13 X their principles niV boot d the knee to the Baal o' cor- ruption at Oltaw.r. I.ook at H )Wkmou art' a Trier d ot Wood's." " Friend of Wood j^ I .un in tiie l)usii>es«<, if that'»+ \^ iiai )ou ii.eaji," •• Ikifiincss I What ijiisines., ?"' •• Wliy, (he '.voo'J jiisiiuss. of c )urse : Yoa must i)<* a tool. lie said ihrv were nearly uut." Thus Vu.iished into tiiin air t!ic i)rght and 1-eateous fabric t'f i'Jy vision, hk- die :i;;r.ige of die desert bt^fore the i-«inting iravellcr. No (;.,;vc-inmLnt hccict discovered; no grtat man"i favour :st;cured; lio position on ihc ^//o/^f^ ; astonish- me:it despair, a rapid retreat, a spee,!y liquefaction of Mr. llrown's uoliar, and i^ratt-i'ul oldlvion more pro- 'ound than that of Lcthc. All bccaus- tile name of an eA-Minisicr is idenlicar with tile dcsij^nation of ligueuu.s fiiLl. Moral, sliiiiitiy altered {"ram pojiular proverb— '• Don'thojlcr uii yi.u're sme of .he Woud." Graduate of Coboconk Univeisity, Tf'ri.Tiio, Nov. 15, 1872. -1^--;^ «v-.. .'f\'_ T>» JlUV L B»10Ot. LETTER III. "The "Policy of Slander '-Jimuel Accused of Swindling—Hu Able Defence Rev. W. Kia;r~Visits the Treasury Depart- ment—Conversation with Cruoks— Lubricating the Government M.ichine -Surplus Distiibution-A Unlf-Heirted Nfeasur-f— Radical Principles Ignoied. IN comtnoii wiih those other noble moral Refor- mers, Messrs. McKellar aud King. I have be t:ome the victim of the policy of Slander. Tho last issue of your depraved Tory contemporary the Coboconk Progressionist^ contains a copy of the following letter, the baseli^s.s nature of the assertions contained in which arc at onc«5 apparent: — ** Coboconk, Nov. i8th. ' " Mr. JjMUEL Briggs, D. B., "Toronto— " Sib, — It is now more than three months since you resigned your position as Treasurer of the Coboconk Reform League, yet hitherto you have failed to ren. der ajiy account of the balance, amounting to $21. 62 1/^, remaining: in your bands. I have repentedly written and ►e'egraphed you respecting the matter. but you have not as yet taken any notice of my com- munications. Unless tho amount is handed over forthwith, we shall be reluctantly obliged to resort tn ^egal proceedings tor its recovery. * Yours, &c., " D. Edbf.te, "Sec. Reform Lei^n* x6 POT JTICA I, RX PKR r F.NCKS Tlio 'iterary rufiiaii who propetrntcs the Pro^rcs* sionht also givc.-i a heading article accnsmg me of" oh- taining money an<]er false pretanoes," ♦♦ swincirmg/' But such is ever tho fate of those who have unsel- fishly exertod thomselvos in th® oaufio of hntnanity. In order to justify my cnwv^^i and set myself light before tho puMic, It will ho necessary to rofer to tho period hefore Confodoration. • At that time tho Hoform Party were stri^'ing to ovorlhrow a corrupt and domoralizod Coalition, and, true to the in-jmutahlo principles of civil ond religious liberty, united to secure the object of Rep. by Pop. At <^reat personal sacrifice I devot.d myself to tho n;iuse. ■ I noglooted important business '6hga|j^mekts and ])lunfi:od ifi^o th" t'liekost of the fray, I o;r;sonat'.'d two abs.^nt voter.s and treated Others to tliO oxtont ol s ^vera^ dnllir-,, fcbouojh he Reform Committee afceiwards basely ignored my elalmn lor rcmunoralion. '- , > : , .. : . ._,J ,.„: ' ,. Notwir,h^;taM:!inf>: dn;j discouragement, I did \\c\ r>i' at] inkblot swerve in my allegianoo to the Refonji [ hid lri;-l the Torir^s before, nrirf thpy \Tonldrt*ll ^■' ' inc. ,.'•■' I was sure that the right would iinally triumph. .1/" ' . ,' / . / iwritf^^ et previdiihlt. Classic quota ti'm. Win-! the r^roafc object for which we had yearned ^ OK IlMDKl bRIUG.^. »7 unterd..iy 1 again slung my nimble hook tvjv\ards the Parliament Huildin;;.s. ar.d drOj)j)cd iu <»n Ciooks. ••Ti^e kir.i^ \\.\,-^ in lii>, parlour «:ounting oul hin ni.>i)ini" iu t'^e famiiiar words uf one of the lays of j'.yous childh..-.,d, when cocktails were uiiureamed <»f, iiud cig.ir.s awa) in ii"«c dim vist.< of futurity. i ili'Mi^ht 1 wuuhl iiHsnuie a carclcsis familiar tone vuii. lun, and lei hnn see I fell at ease in his society. Unt;e 1 have become Uie central figure in the '• lat- est outrage," my political and social importance has increased. s; v ^v wmmmmtrntua^m.^ fy ••^ tS POLITICAL KXl^^iiifENCj:-} ** Morning, Crooks.7," said I, poking him in the ribs Avitha knowing winl^— " How dots the old thing work ?' He looked kind of surprised and said ** Excuse me^ but L- hardly understand you." :• How's the machine running, old rooster ? It ought to go pretty smoothly I guess." '* Why— what do you mean ?" " Because you He it (Islet)." This was iiTerely one of my brilliant humorisms which spring up in my conversation as i.aturally as the flowerets in May. Crooks didn't seem to appreciate it however. " Clear out you msolentscoiudrel," he violently ex- claimed. " How dare you insult me in this manner?. Begone, or I'll — I'li— " *' Yes,'* said I ; '< be sure and remember the ih. As I previously observed Ulety He foauied with rage and shouted for his aide-de ijamp. I read his purpose. He wanted him to aid me to decamp. 1 turned to go, saying, " Well, if this is the way in which you treat your constituents when they call to see you on business, 1 shan't take the same interest in future elections in West Toronto, that I have pre- viously done." His manner changed in an instant. The frown which clouded his manly brow like a thunder cloud irr ^•»i.4 ^,Siu. v^t;*nomy, and yet there are narrow and grovelling n^ .nds who hesitate not to assert that I have made a descent in accepting my present position." " You surprise me." said I. Why, the administra- ion of the finances i^ rightly considered one of the noblest of governmental functions. In fact it ap- proaches more nearly the sacred duties of the clergy than any other." *' How so ?" enquired Crooks. *• Because you have to look after your tturplm (sur- plice)" was uiy epigrammatic response. 20 H>Jil J tCAl, KXPERIENCES : li i 5 i lie smiltrd, ami said 1 \v.is a man of discenimeiiT. " What I v/isiu'd niore partitnilarJy to see you about," siiid f, '• was the surplus I)istril)Ulion Scheme. How * it progressing ?" '• Oh, we Jirc hard at work nu it," said lie, *'it will bt' d-vt loped early iti tlie session." And when sliijll I 'je able to draw?'' '• Dnivj what ?" '• \Vl»y, my share of the surplus." ■ i ui afraid you are under a great misapprehen- sion ' he replied. ''The surplus will be distributed to counties, nut to hidividuals," '* Oh. ' f said as a feeling of disappointment crept over n)e, *• that's the idea is it. liat, why these cow- ardly half measures, this abnegation of true Radic.i princ'ples. If liie liitherto acknowledged fuuctions of Constilulionai Govermnent, which tlie i'ories prate of, are to be so lar abandoned, out of deference loliine- tcentii ceiuury progress and enlightenment, as to dele- ^ati: to the niunicii)alities the disp.^sal of the public «'a.»do, wliy not advance a stej) further and reco^^nise tlie riphis i)f inJividuals ?" lie saiu he iiad never looked at the question in tha* ^iglit, but, would mention it lo Brown simi Mowat and heo what could bt- done. *' 1 hope this noble Reform can be accomplished.' said I, as I quilted his presence. "Remember, sir, that that the Argus-eyes of a free and unshackled press ihe guardians of the people's liberties, are upon you, 1' i OF JIMITKI hki(;gs. 2T and that nothing short (f the tullest ilevciopiiK-nt af Radical principles will satisfy them. So-lonj.' Crook- sey. * This so-callfd Libejal Govcinui'jnt ai'it halt liheral enc7Ugh. Sm-h base and sordid coinproniiae with the spint of Toryism, as displayed in this half-hearted Surplus Dis^ tribution ncheme, mav w«dl discom-a^*' the true friends at progress. But, alas ! aia>* ! how oft in this cold and heartless world is principh' subordinated to the selfish dictates of personal aggrandizement! Qnajremin yccinuj pvinium virttia post niintnun. ff vou meet the erudite boss of the University slosh- ing around, don't fail to point out to him how his for- mer pupil— which is me — does honour to his A/ma Mater by the apt felicity of his classic quotations. By the H-ay — please send me the promised remit- tance by return mail. Be sure to attend to it, In the words of the ancient moralist, " Dn write and fear not" — JIMUELBKIGGS, D. B., Ciraduate of Coboco.ik University Torciito, Nov. 20th. I I i » POLITICAL EXPERIENCKS LETTER IV. Remittance received -A varicious Landlord-The Bummers Roost-The Timber Policy~A \otr.rinnc n °""""<^' s ""*-> "^ ^Notorious (government -1 he Celtic race - An Inshman who did'nt appreciate Humor. JiWi/or Coboconk Irradiator : 1DULY received yours of the 26th inst., enclos- ing remittance which consisted of a pass on the Toronto and Nipissing Railway. There is doubtless considerable force m your suggestion that che p:iss being worth $5 is more than an equivalent for the $4 you owe me. Still, upon the whole, I would have preferred the cash. The landlord of the Bummer's Roost, the first-class hotel where I now board, is of the same opinion. When I presented him with the document in part payment of my bill, he gazed at me with lofdest scorn depicted on his classic lineaments and sneeringly ^sked what in thunder did I suppose he could do with that. :.;,..v..;^,;^.. , .,, I suggested that he might relinquish for a while the cares of business and take a trip up north by way o relaxation. f T told him I would assist in tending bar during hig absence and not charpe him a r^nt. CF JIMUEL BKItiOS. 2i To this Uindly meant ndvice he replied by Tecom mending me to relax my system by taking a trip down South -a long way down. In fact the tenor of l(is remarks c'uiirg the 1 alarce of the conversation was so purely theological that they wouiu oe out of place in a rtiictly Fcriil?r jcuinal The Bummer's Roost is one of cur most ari..tu_ cratic hotels. I went there to board a vhort time ; ir.ce FO I could have regular meals. This depending upon free lunches and Sunday school tea-meetings for sustenance is all very well in its way, but rather precarious. They have napkins at table, and a gong, with a swarthy child of Afric to pound upon it. His execu tion is remarkably brilliant. Possibly the hash is susceptible of improvtment but the gong is superb and soul-thrilling. Oft have I listed to its majestic, permeating tones- now pealing like the thunder crashing over soire mount tain peak ; now low and plaintive as the breath of signing zephyr: now roaring like the toamin) ca'aracts of Niagara, and ripling into melody like the Cc-.deucc of a murmuring streamlet. I always did cultivate my descriptive talent. Several members of the Local Legislature stay here during the session. McKellar formerly boarded here, but he left Home time since. . . The landlord told liim be was very sorry, but as he ^.i'i.^;.i.'W.»J .^^,^,4,.Mw*^*''-'«. t '. - r'Ot ITICAl. KXVr.RlKVCKS "4 W'^s a j)i (jr lir...* wuluwtr with only his tharac'fr (»» dep'^itl on, he vfiily <:';'il(ln't .icronKnorlatv: hin> my longiM. Since bf k'l'r. ijie spoon.^ and things cKn't sc ui !«» Some people might syy- hut, pshaw : it s ;i mcro with the Commissioner to-day?" I queried, noticing a number of lumber merchants loafing about. " rii a,v:' was the secretary's cutting response. He prescn ly returned, saying that Mr, Scott would See me directly. "Ah how do Scott? Hope I see you sir," I said blandly as I entered the apartment where the illus trious Commissioner was busily engaged in laying out fresh timber berths in the unsurveyed sections of the Province. " Excuse me," said he, '' but really I don't think l have the honor — " *'0h/' f said, -woll rhat^s soon rem edfed. My"' name is Briggs. I'm a member of the Reform precs. . I come to elicit some information respecting the policy of the ^f inifitry." nr JiMiEt. r»K I ^ «";«;. >5 '•Win ilidn'l y(M u.. ;., M:m hri-.u- - .- T.nr^-^K • :l About the poHm ;M.'i ''> in :■•- iM-Li?<-i( U)-^-. 1\v,vtj\\<:': iJonijxmy/' said Sct.'.t wiih a (ynir:il Mn:!', . '•Whi.t 1 j)Liriinit:ui\ n I thought you yourself were— a Liberal Conservative. so to speak," said I . "Sir," he replied, with some asperity, -'my «^ent! ments are entirely in accord with those of my col'eflgues. There are no Torie> in thi.s (;* vcm- inent" " That probably accounts tor its being so uo-ion-oit* I piquantly responded. He smiled very faintly and »aid, ** A man of yuuf V.'li'.'l^- 11,' "?i ^;l|I.S?Tf 26 FOUriCALKXPICraENCEff. ip^'^ellect cannot fail to perceive tlie danger if leaving- these magnificent resources a prey to the devastation* of the fire-ftend any longer than absolutely necessary How do we know that the nation's wealth wiil not any day be swept away in one dread holocaust of flame." << True," I replied. '* I wonder you don't insure- the forests in the Isolated Risk." " I never once thought of that," said Scott with animation. " AVhy it's only the other day that Mac was round asking if we hadn't anything to insure. I IF Ttiention it to him next lime I see him. Thank you for the idea." . . I am always furnishing ideas to this Government, but somehow they never show any practical apprecin^ tion of them. « Here the conversation terminited, as several infl'i- ential lumber-men were anxiously awaiting an inter- view. As I sauntered along Yonge steeet T saw an over- coat hanging outside a store — just the thing T stood in need of for the winter. ^ I entered and accosted the proprietor, whose name I ascertained from the sign was O'Callaghan '' Mr. O'Callaghan,'' said I. . --rTnr - ; - 'Yis, sir," said he in a rich Milesian brogue. You belong I lancy to tlie Celtic race, that noble^ stock which has given to the world so many eminentr namesin the arenas of war, literature" science, oratory ^i'' u -n OF JINfUSL BRIOai. ':>' and statcmcnship You are a countryman ol O'Con- nell, Sarslield, Moore, Grattan, Burke, Blake, ami Scott, of Ottawa — are you not." * > "Faix sur, ye may well say that ; an' its proud I am of that same, bar. hi' the two dirty spalpeens ye men- tioned along wid the paythriots and liaroes av ould," he answered. "Yes, 'twas a mere ov'-sight I assure you. Noble- hearted son of beateous Erin, what do you ask for thai overcoat." "Tin dollars, an" chape at the money." "I'll take it," said I, suiting the action to the ward and walking away. "Hold on there yOu omadhaun, where's ye'r money?" he hastily observed. ** Money ! oh, I understood you to say you belonged to the Celtic race. 1 want yoi. to sell this on tick," • It didn't take. The Irish are fast losing that geniaJ ■appreciation of delicate humor which formerly charac- terized them and acquiring the sordid mercenary pro-* pensities of the cold-hearted Saxon. ' "Divil a man avye takes that coat widoi't the cash," he exclaimed, as I laid down the garment and slowly resumed my walk. He muttered something about my being a "perfect Froude," probably an illusion lo the eminent K^^iI.i^ mmmm^'' ^^ POLITICAL KXPERIKNCES h.storian, who is not inifavonr with the Iiisb, /IMUEL BRIGGS, I). H. Crraduatc of Cobuconk University Bummer's Roost, Toronto, Nov, a8. I I i s i : OK JlMUKL BRlOaS. ^9 LETTER V. T*ir.te* of the Pen— Jimuel Plaglarixed -F^e seeks Legal RedreM— 'M Interview with Blake — How a Chancery Office h Run. THOUGH the prefix '* miss" is usually employed to denote a stite of single blessednebs, yet mis- fortunes never come singly. " When sorrows come," observes the talented W. Shakespeare, " they come, not single spies, but in battalions." And William was right. In fact, as a writer he is considered unequalled. In addition to being the victim of ... representation at the hands of my political opponents, and a sufferer from misplaced confidence in professed friends and unsympathetic creditors, my overwrought sensibilities have been outraged afresh by the reprehensible conduct of emulous plagiarists and unscrupulous pirates of the Blatherer^ Envious of the unprecedented success of the Irradiator^ which owing to my able and graphic lucu- brations, has become a [vade uiecum, whatever that means, iu every household in the land, numerous of these individuals hi?ve been attempting feeble imita- tions of my unrivalled and pellucid contributions to your columns. Sic von noil vobis, dc. Even Virgil suffered ♦rom th» pla^ iarism ofbase pretenders. -- "*"' '"^j fe 'fe».i. b» j'.<« . ii^^f -^- k^.. !•««». ■ *-■'«•»<■ '**«i|'V^* ■ •■'•• U'taWV^ r> POLfTlCAL EXPERfENCKS H H I s.iw a wliolc column of my writing in the Niptssr- ing Bhitherer the other day, stolen without a wofd of acknowledgment. *' This thing must be stopped " said I resolutely. I was ctmsidering bow to oppose the piratical BUithi'ver when my eye fell upon the following con- spicuous advertiHemen: in the pitpcr ; — "BLAKE, K.ERR& BOYD, BARRIJJTFRS, &C., .VC>. 5 MASONIC HALL, TORONTO. N, B. — Sptjoial facilitioii for obtaining injunctions in the Court of t. iiantery . " *' The very thing " I triumphantly exclaimed. " I'lF fix the ioath3o;nj incendiary of the Blatkerer now. I'll injunct him." I started off at once to the Masonic Hall, and was speediy ushered into the presence of the ex Premier. " Well Sir, said he aoruptly, *' your business?" I told him my cdnc, and asked if the law would allow the noblest sentiments ot the human bosom to be ruthlessly lacerated, the pride of paternity, as it were, outraged by Bohemians in human form ?" " My dear Sir," said he, "rest assured that there is no doubt of your case in our hands. We have done away with the doubt and suspense that formerly characterized proceeding in Chancery, and reduced matters to a eertainity." v,"Yes," 1 i-eplicd. *' I notice you advertise special '.■*'-.-t-»^i.'-*^**<«^^«;.i--^^--.— ♦,.,.. , ■*^"i^iil-. or 11 Mr KL BBIGOS. 3' 'racilities for obtaining injunctions, and t)iai is why I came here. But in what do thty consist ?" "1 am surprised that a man of your intelligence should put the question," said Blake. '* You nxust surely have heard ol my brother's appointment to the bench." "Oh, of course, 1 forgot that. Why, you own a judge all to yourselves, like Jim Fisk used to. Big ihing for the the firm. It was a good idea to shunt Mowat to make a round hole for Sammy to fit into. No danger of his proving too square for it ! Oh, he'll injunct every time, you bet ! " But I guess you'll feel kind of queer calling Sam .Tiiy * my lud/ and treating him with the deference due the bencli, and so forth when only a few weeks since he was your clerk as it were. Shouldn't wonder if you'd forget the change some of these days and try to boss him.'' " Mr. Briggs," responded Blake with austerity. " I must deprecate these irrelevancies and undue liberties with private aifairs. Besides, i am extremely busy and have no time to converse except on strictly pro- fessional matters." I wasn't going to be put dowii by his consequential lairs, sol replied, " How about that statement thalTn your return from England, Brown toid you that you had to swallow Mowat, when you^ declined on the ground that he might disagree with you, but afterward* S Usf^-OL'WAkBniftH mmh mmmk y' f» > .'I'l Li Ihcu^./'ik bstur wa/ i. aati uC4uic^<.fjd, saying yoa had killed ilucu$3 off this liiiiw bjic." *' It's a dam-- aging 'lory lie/' replied Blake, with a caimnesb that to my sensinve appreciation, was sus" pieious '' it's a j)ositive absurdity. They might as well say that the reason I decline office is because Biown woa't Ijt me aloue, aad I can't brook his dicta- litai. The Inc—" *' Yes, ih^l's the name for him. He's nothing el .c." " \ >a mluppiehju*] nu-. The incredible amount ui ba!»ia*iiiH 1 vv jibout to observe, which the new tV Mi Will hive, rcaJ-Ts it iinpjssible f jr ma to re-enter p'l'jllc lii'e. My })ariners are very young meii aiul kuo»v tijat i\vo and lv\o make f()ur, but Sammy and I Jiavc ulu'.iyb made it five/' '* Bin you found the incubuh ratlicr depressing, I gucSi." " KnuugU of thai, sir," Said Blake. ** Ljt us now icvcif to buciiaci>i>. Uo you wish us to proceed in your iiffttii ? •' *'Cwrcaiuiy, 1 ii entrust my case with you. Go right aUcitvi." ^, '•VS'uii picasuic, Ml. I^riogi— 'out, ahem— merely u\ a lii'ic malic.- ui iy/im^ you know — twenty dollars 1 >.MUy uolliii* 1 Uiid, ab iciaiiicr. The tinw U liUujtfwil , uii« i; j,-« buifvLi dviiuis a^^iccc.'* r'^'Vi'ffiift.'if ^ ^ „*, - ,, OF JIMTJEL BRIGGS. .^3 "Oh but I thought the other fellow would be stuck for the coits," — undoubtedly— but still as I previously remarked we always take a retaining fee, as a matter of fi^rm you know,"' said I. '• We dont do business in any such manner " said the great reformer with some asperity. "If you like to retain us we we'll file a bill for you, otherwise, good morning." "Good morning, magnanimous Luther of the New Dominion and chancery regenerator," I exclaimed, rU bring the cost around to morrow." " Oh never sliall the Sun that morrow see"— Shake- peare again. T ran against Laidlaw as I left Blake's, and he asked me if I could extend my influence in aid of the Credit Valley Railroad bonus. I cordially invited him to ask mc to take a drink which he of course did, and then related the details ot the Scheme. ''Let me see," said 1, the Credit Valley line must run North." " No, said he, " West." - '* I was about sure it ran north." "Why so ?'^ > ; "Because it ought in the nature of things tc bring up Chdn Sound" -. .-^^^_, — ^ He smiled and then we smiled again together. Count upon you to advocate this great work* said l,aidlaw. 34 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES I f "Shall do so with pleasure," said I, Credit Valley must indeed be a delightful spot, an oasis to speak in the arid waste of life's wilderness — Credit Valley a h there is music to my ear in the name, compared to which the vaunted glories of the vale of C«3i/?;«^^, fade into prosaic {insipidity — Why it must be a veri- table vale Tempe. This some what far fetched classic hum''»r'^." doubtless requires some elaboration to render it intel- ligible to the uneducated understanding. Tempe nearly assimilated tc tempns which is Latin for " time " which is in its commercial signification Credit. — see ? "Yes yes" said Laidlaw," Credit Valley once opened to the trade of the commercial eniporium the- business of the city will vastly increase. Capital find an outlet — our merchants have additional markets for their goods — in short, wealth will flow in upon us.'* *' Line," Said I, ** all we want is Credit." In pursuance of an arrangement I effected with him I have been for the last few days like an artist, hard at work on the canvass. It's an agreeable occupation while it lasts but will be all over in a day or two, for the vote will be taken on Friday. Then, alas^! Credit Vale ; classic humorlsm. — JIMUELBRIGOS, I). B., Graduate of Coboconk University Toronto, Dec. i2tb. , \ ■ROT OF JiMUEL BRrGGS. 35 4 M.- . .-J LETTER VI. A depnuti«n from Cobocoak— They interview McKellar, ai)OUt the Model Farm -Briggs appointed a special Commissionrr to Elxam- ine the Sites around Coboconk. * Editor Coboconk Invdiatoi". ''^TpHERE is no cloud but has its silver ining,' X says the adage, and I am nappy to state that the clouds which have so long obscured my genius have at last proved to be well electro-plated at any rate. Last week, as I pursued along King street the even tenor of my way — a fact which, as you will perceive, contradicts those accusations of dase motives sonie- imes brought against me — I was surprised to meet several familiar faces, which reminded me of boy- ' hood's sylvan scenes in Vny native village. Half a dozen of the inhabitants of Coboconk and vicinity greeted my gaze. My first impulse was to bi.». 38 1»0LITICA.L EXPERIENCES he dare not snub rae in my new character as member of a depmtation. "■ Wf 1), gentlemen," said he, " as we filed slowly into the apartment, and the rustics gazed with awe upon the great representative of agricultural interests, '' What can I do for you ?" ** We are here, your highness," I replied, " in order to approach one who guides the helm of the ship of state." McKellar here maoe a deprecatory gesture, as if he considered that I was stretching things a little too far. ** 1 repeat, sir, we approach one who guides the helm of the Ship of State — for are you not the only tiller in the Government? (Laughter) — to request that he claimi of Coboconk as a location for the Model Fa;m and Agricultural College may be taken into con sideration." "What," replied Mr. McKellar, "another place applying for that institution ? We have examined abour fifty sites already. What special advantages does Coboconk possess ?" '• Its productive qualities are unrivalled," said Mr. Blathers. " The fertihty of the soil something sur- drising. When beauteous spring ethereal mildness hails- no, rains I meant to say— and verdure decks Ihe plain — and the lowing herds wind slowly o'er the ea — the ploughman wields his sickle, and the turnip s, whose luscious fragrance pervades the atmospheic ^^^HPim* ■'« f- J j^y " OF JIMUEL BRIO«S- 39 ■ft fl bow beneath his sturdy stroke, And in the mellow summer time the gladsome sound of barrow, as it denudes the ripened bog rf its fleecy covering—" " That would indeed be a harrotving spectacle, said McKellar. " Is that all you know about farm- ing ?" *'But really, Mr. McKeller," said I, "the advanta- ges of Coboconk cannot be overlooked. An immense quantity of produce is raised there — comprising lum- ber, corn rye, potatoes, carrots, beets " "Yaw, I dink so too/" interrupted tht accursed Dutchman. ** Blenty of beats boud dare, you know how da t was yourself Priggsey don't it?" "Well," said Mckellar, " we can do nothing until the location has been visited by a Special Commission which I will proceed at once to appoint. Mr. Blath- ers, a word in private with you, if you please." The remamder of the deputation withdrew, but I took an early opportunity of returning to the Depart- mt nt, where Blathers was in earnest fonversation with McKellar. ^ They broke off abruptly at my approach, but I heard Blathers say, ** That's too much. I wouldn' tmind go- ing four hundred, for I want to get the farm off mj ande." I at once inferred that thqr were fixing up a little private business in connection with the matter. " Oh, Briggs," said Mckellar, " I've put you down ai ^,,„i u,^:f^MiH^^^4i^^^ 40 POLITICAL EXPERlENKivKS a member of tliis special commission, which will square up that little matter between us—mum's the word, ©f course, as so anything transpiring here. Four dollars a day and expenses." "Noble, generous mar," I exclaimed, "how cah 1 o> ever repay you '' Don't tiiank me, I have only dane my duty," he replied, magnanimously. " Who will bo my colleagues ?" I tnquirfd, with Fome solicitude, " 1 have known some Grits whose person- al habits were such as greatly to detract from the satis- faction of co-operation widi them. I was on Rob. Wilkes' committee last election, and found it tearfully uninteresting f( a long time until I accidently dis- covered the corner where llie bottle wis secreted." ''I am just drawing up the Ust,'" said lie, " and shall be glad of your assistance." " With pleasure, my liege. Suppose you out down Sandy Henderson. He is eminently qualiiied by his experience on the Board of Works, as the streets of Toronto attest. His knowledge of the value agricul tural paddocks attached to the residences of aldermen 8 also a point in his favour." • ^ "T^^^y good. Next." '' he agricultural man of the ,_ OF JIMUKL BRIGGS» 4^ h,|. LETTER VIL The Grit Symiwsium- Importunate Beats— The Chiefs in Council — Unap|)n;(i.itc(l Humor -Economy in Viands Fiery Sherry and Cheap Champagne -No Spoons -Effects of Grit Oratory and had Wine—Home in a Wheelbarrow. .••'-!• Editor Coboconk Irradiator : — ■■If The eventful day lias at length come and gone- The 8th of January, characterized as it was by the opening of the session and the great Reform symposium —which is Greek for " Guzzle"~should be a red-let- ter day in the calendar, 1,0 which end I forward my letter, which I hope will be frari. I was'nt so much interc.Mcd in the opening of the House. It was a rfry affair. The other was much the reverse. Punctually on the stroke of six I arrived at the Ifnsic Hall, v.'hich was already besieged by an impa; tient crowd of hungry looking beats, anxious to secure free tickets. They crowdea into the hall, tried to pass the door- keeper, and waylaid the leaders of the party as they entered. "Mr. Brown," said one importunate cuss — "havn't you got a spare ticket about you ? Tm a good Re- former. I take the G/oiff, and gave you a ten-dollar 44 POMTICAI- PJXPKKIENCES advertisement only yesterday." " Na, na, mon. Gin ye're sich a glide Refoimer, ye should support the pairty by payin for yer ticket. We've been pit to ower uiuckle expense sendin free tickets tae Tories and men o' doubtfu' pos< etion to gie ony awa' to Reformers." *' I shan't fool away three dollars — no, nor one dol- lar — in any such way, Mr. Brown," he replied sulkily. "The principle of a money payment for the concession of bibiilvstical rights has ever been repugnant t( tha feelings of the Canadian people." ^.nd he left Presently Mackenzie, McKellar and McMuviich drove up in a sleigh. I was rather surprised at this unusual extravagaiice, such as might be expected ol a corrupt Tory Ministry, but is in direct contrast to Grit principles of economy. I sul.)se<]uently, learned, however, that they had .walked to the corner of King Street, and that their drive of a hundred yards or so, for the sake of appear, ances, only cost them a quarter. '* Hello, Mac," 1 said, as they passed into the cloak room. Haifa doren or more answered my salutation. *• Ah, Briggs," said McKellar, " glad to see you — lirtck from Coboconlc '?" •'Yes, took a run down for a few days. My salary tiins on the same, of course." , . . '"■"';*'l%V-''^^ ■'■■■■ OF JIMUEL RRICCJK. 45 " Whycertftinly. You "^^^2 re right to come. We want to make as strong a show as possible to night." By this time the bau(|iiet hall was filHn^ fast. So were some of the banqueters who had attacked the decantera in advance. I obtained a good scat near the platform, so that I could share the conversation of the party chiefs and enliven them with some of my elaborately prepared improm|)tn witucisms. A horrible thought flashed over me — which makes me shudder as I rcoail it even now — Coitid it be pos- sible that this table had been set upartlfor the temperance sertiou of the party ? A cold perspiration bathed my brow, and the life current congealed in my veins at the idea. But I was speedily re-assured. A little reflection convinced me that my fears were grounaless. ** Pshaw," said I, " it cannot be ; you might count all the temperance men in this crowd on your fingers. •Tis a mere oversight. And so it proved for a waiter presently appeared and distributed the necessary fluids in obedience to rthe clamorous outcries of my neighbours-— and the revelry proceeeded, tliough the formality of taking the chair had not yet been gone through. Pretty soon, however, the stalwart form of George Brown, followed by a dozen or more of the part Wimr'IWlliMlfMiliMi 45 POLITICAL EXPERIENC'^.8 leaders, appeared on the platform, whereat the audi- ence did highly jubilate. No sooner had they assumed their seats, than the graceless assemblage, witliout waiting for grace, assaul- ted the edibles, and they had previously the strong and fiery compound termed by the credulous "sherry." " Wherefore graceth not Senator McMaster our banquet with his august presence .'"' enpuired Mc Kellar. " How would his presence be august and this Jan. uary ?" said John McKeown, of Hamilton. Nobody even smiled except Rymal. McKellar proceeded to explain tljat he didn't mean it in that sense. The Scotch Grits didn't see a joke very readily, but T thought I'd try them. ''You asked," said I, " why McMaster didn't attend the banquet. I suppi'-se because he couldn'^ his bank'quit. How's that." An owl-like aspect of unruffled serenity pervaded the assemblage. They didn't take. " I'hat was not the reason," said Brown. " He couldiKi be here on account of sickness. He tauld me that he would be wi' us in speerit though." " In that case," said I, determined to make a last despera'e attempt, " this banquet resembles that of Macbeth." .'**>'^??^-i.i5f^.t^>'i*V^'(-v' '•y^f;it- vji.'-s .- -.^■•^■•■■/i-^^>i;- *»". i>4.vf- OF JIMUki> BRIGOS. *7 '* Why so?" "Because it is attended by a <7/^o«/ o/ bavquo (banker) ?" Not a solitary snicker. Not the faintest indication of a smile. Nothing but the ponderous sledge-hammer jokes o^ Joe. Rymal, strongly spiced with profanity, would fetch a Grit crowd. Gazing around the hall 1 noticed numerous mottoes on the walls— such as "Economy in every Depart- ment of the Public Ser vice." The sparsity of the dishes on the board denoted the thouglufulness with uhich this maxim was carried out in the banquet department of the public service. Oyster soup was served, after most of the revellers had in their haste assimilated the more substantial viands. It was constructed on economical principles. Plenty of sup but very little oyster. There was an average intermission of ten minutes between each bivalve. There was moreover a scarcity of spoons, but then as Peter Gow sagely observed, " a man don't want a spoon all to himself." *• Lend me your spoon for a minute," said a voracious banqueter, whose soup was fast cooling, to a more favoured individual, who responded by a haughty star© of surprise. ^'-;- -"■ .'^ --■ ^r' --.:: --...--r..^-?--- - -;v^ ** I hat^ to sec a man act hoggish," was the rebuke 48 POLITICAL EXrERlENCES delicately administered to the unsociable cuss. Meanwhile the waiters were dispensing champagne to the guests in tumblers. A remarkable superstition obtained among our ancestors, for the prevalence of what it is difficult to account, to the effect that this beverage is manufac- tured in France from the juice of the grape. I should hardly have thought it possible that so absurd a belief should continue in this enlightened age ; but from the conversation of my neighbors 1 gathered that it is not wholly extinct, even in th^s boasted nineteenth century. T merely mention this to show how obsolete and exploded traditions linger in the rural districts, even with the plainest evidence to the contrary. It was a mistake to provide tumblers instead of wine glasses. A man speedily looses his reckoning and can't calculate: to a nicety how much he can take without disturbing his equilibrium. Not that such considerations ever influence me. I was bound to secure the value ot th« three dollais I dn't pay, whether I succumbed or not. I did succumb. I have but a faint recollection of the toasts and speeches, like the glimmering con- sciousness ot a state of pre-existence in another world wki^.h sometimes flashes across our thoughts. I have cerVanin vague and indistinct recollections of 3 ■■"^^k^ >y.,i.^. . . OF JIMUEI. BRIGGS. 49 m \l 50 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES the chairman making numerous speeches, of seeing " as through a glass darkly/' his arms waving wildly in the air, and the scared look on Mowat's countenance as he hastily drew back his head to avoid an acciden. tal blow. ' Dim and misty memories, as of boyhood's dreams come o'er me of toasts drunk with all the honours* and shouting, excited individuals in the same condition^ of decanters that waltzed wildly up and down the board, of lights which danced and whirled in a thous_ fl-nd devious direcdons, of a very unsteady platform, which rose and fell like a storm -tossed bark, of tables and chairs that acted in i similar manner as ii under the manipulation of a spiritual medium. Grit oratory and cheap champagne were too many for me — Gradually the sights and sounds faded from my consciousness. Christie proposed, Blake pleaded, Mackenzie ranted and Rymal buffooned, but I heard them not. Mowat's eloquence didn't affect me. — Imitation Moe^ and Chandon did.— All was a blank. How long I continued in this state I know not. I have a hazy undefined remembrance of somebody asking my address, of being dragged over and past certain reeling and prostrate forms, of a jolting motion over the sidewalks and of somehow gaining my own room. The handcart and wheelbarrow department did -.»* OF JIMUEL BRIGGS. 51 their work nobly. The foresipht of the promoters of the banquet in providing such a necessary adjunct, cannot be too highly praised. Palman qui meruit fe^at, I \voke to-day with a racking headache and raging thirst, but a matutinal cocktail set me comparatively right. 1 guess I had the worth of my ticket anyhow. JIMUEL BRIGGS, D. B., Graduate of Coboconk University. Toronto, Jan. loth, 1873. »»•■ <^^' --c^ --*• iy%...jji.»iilf'i „^. ,.;-,7.-;i,,-;r POIITICAL EXP£RIE KCES LETTER VIII. Low RcmuneraliOTi ot Journalism — Briggs Applies 5or a Position on the "Globe" — Interviews Brown— bir John's Machination- Brown's Views on the Situations— Rymal, Blake and McMaster — The Ottawa leadership— The Local House — Briggs' Rx- perience in Short-Hand Reporting — His Compulsory Resignation. Editors Coboecnk IrraditlUr : I don't think you've hardly done the square thing by me, considering that my able letters — revealing as they have done the secret springs of action which influence our poHticians, and letting your readers be- hind the scenes of the Ministerial theatre— have secured for your unrivalled journal a hitherto unprecedented circulation. Some lime since I intimated that a raise of salary would not be unacceptable, considering the high price of the necessaries ot life, and the fact that I have now been so long m Toionto that the boarding-house keepers have got to know me and heartlessly demand cash in advance. I made the suggestion in private note, so that you could have made the advance spontaneously and entirely unsolicited, which would have elicited a touch- iiig and graceful tribute from my pen to your innate " i '^1 OK JIMUEL BRIGGS. 53 generosity and goodness of heart, that even the exigencies of the editorial functions could not wholly obliterate. This of itself would have been worth double the trifling additional remuneration I sought. But what did you reply ? With an unfeeling levity totally out of place in dealing with so serious a subject you observed, making a feeble attempt at jocosity, worthy the intellect even of a Rymal, that my investi- gation on the Model Farm commission should have tauglit me that they didn't raise celery (salary) in those parts. Can you blame me, if, in a state of temporary indig- nation at such trifling, I resolved to contiibute nO more ot my choice and elevating lucubrations to your columns, but to transfer my services to some city journal ? I had for some time noticed an advertisement in the GloU for a short-hand reporter and determined, if possible, to secure the vacant position. I accordingly took the first opportunity of waiting on the Hon. George, and enquiring if there was any Bhow for me in that capacity. " Aweel, aweel, mon that depends," said he cautiously, " ye ken we've had an awfu' trouble about reporters. We tak on first ane and syne anithcr, but they winna st.iy— an' it's no difficult to perceive the inseedious hand o' Sir John A Macdonald in tho mat- ter," ,--U ^.--:..r :,r,r, ,r„:,^. 54 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES " The Tories have sworn to crush the Globe out of existence, an' \vi' the secret sairvice fun' an' the ither resources o' a corrupt government it's easy to offer the chiels' mair inducements than a private indiveedual can, an' seduce them awa." I was glad to hear this, and resolved if I should be so fortunate as to be engaged, to allow myself to be seduced by Sir John's agents. " In order tae provide against these difficulties an, circumvent 'J'ory machinations," he went on to say •* we make all our 'employees' sign an engagem-^rnt for three years, sae that gin they leave us they'll be criminally liable." " What are your terjns, Mr. Brown ?"' I cnauired, feeling rather disconcerted at the last piece Oi infor- mation. "Well, that wad depend on your abeelities entirely. Ye're a guid short-hand reporter I suppose ?" "Oh ye?, just as short as you please," I replied pleased to think that he was in favor of conciseness and brevity in reporting. ♦'Namon, ye misunderstan' me — are ye a funny grapher ?" '* Funj^y ! you can just gamble on it — se, here !'' And I pulled out several Irradiators and drew liis attention to some of my most poignant humourisras. " Tak awa they trash," he said, pitching them to OP JiMUEL BRIOOS. 55 the other end of the room. **' Hae ye no a grain of sense about ye ? I mean can you report verbatim." ** Oh that's it—Why certainly," said I. '* Well, then," said Brown, '* gie ye'U sign a three years' agreement for six dollars a week the first year, seven the next, an' eight the last we'll tak' ye on." I suggested that the figure was rather slim. " Tut, tut, mon,'' said he, *' its varra guid. I can get ony number o' men for that. I hae editors that are weel content wi' eight dollars. Acquisitiveness young man is the crying voice of tho age." Seeing t'lat this was the best I could do, 1 signed the con' tact, and asked when I should commence. '' Ye had better gang till the Hoose this afternoon,' said Brown, ' and in the meantime, I wad like to hae a confidt'utial conversation wi* ye, for I want ye to understand the poseetion of affairs in the party. *'I may aiblins alloo ye to write an editorial now an again in addition to your reportorial duties." ' You are too good, Mr. Brown," I murmured :n a voice choked with emotion and tobacco-juice, which I didn t care to discharge on the floor of his sanctum. ' Y'e were at the banquet, were ye ?' enquired Brown. • Yes, sir,' said I. * And what's ye're opinion of it ?' ' A most enthusiastic and overwhelming success — a gathering of which the party may well be proud 56 POM'llCAl. LXPERIENCtS a galaxy of the brightest lights of Reform, including as it did the brillant names of BrowD, lake, Mackenzie McKeliar, Rymal — , A spasm of mingled anguish und rage corrugated his lofty brow at the mention of the latter name. ' Rymal did yc say ? — Oh, the viliaiu ! Why he had the iusoience to defy Me — to make Me the butt o' his clumsy Ijiiffcoiuiy— ill, ir.aist c' the graceless drimken chiels laughed at hw^ low wii tco. lit I'm no to be treated in the way, as hj'll find oot.' ' Yes, but upon the whole it was a brilliant affair.* ' Aye, and an unco expensive one into tho bargain; the bills that have been coming in are fairly awful, and they chairged for that vile trash they ca'ed ' champagne,' as if it was a first-class article too. ' And what do ye think. That biikie Wilkes, wlia I elected for Centre Toronto, winna pay a cent of his share. Wo pit him doon fifty dollars, but he repudi- ates a'thegither. He says he's a temperance man and caniia' conscientiously pay for the wine, whilk is muckle tho largest item. * I tauld him that nae politician had ony business tae fash about conscience, and gin I had beei^ actu- ated by sic consideration, I could never hae attained my present prood poscetion.' "1 gucbs the trcublG v^ih Wilkes is that ho wasn't asked to speak," 1 replied i x; doobt of it, -mon but wc; can't'allow OF JIMUEL BR1GG8. 57 every sucking politician to blether awa. Losh, but he wad l».'ie been giiid for two hours at tiu- least, and I'd soon or pay the fifty dollars oot o* my ain purse than hae given him the chance. * '' By the way, sir, who is to bo leader at Ottavva ?*'I enquired. '' Oh, that'll be just as satisfactorily arranged ag in Ontario I'm bound to hae my will here, since to judge from the doings of the Ontario Hoose in the Goodhue case, I may uae hae it after I'm deid. * I gaed till the Bench for a leader for the Pairty in the Local Hoose, and I'll gang — well, I was aboot to mention a locality which is unmentionable amang- the unco guid — for a mon to suit me in the commons.. • Mackeni^ie is a' richt the noo, an' does ilka thing I tell him, but then it's hard to ken wha to place de- pendence on, and I '11 no trust in cny ane man.* * Quite right, Sir, Don't run any isolated HsJts,' I responded. ' One thing is sure,* said he. I'll no put up with the independence o' yon mon .Blake. He a«pires to the leadership, but I'll worry him till he breaks down as he did before.' This closed the conversation, and I went to Iho Hoose and proudly took my seat in the gallery as the representative of the great GloU itself.* The speakers don't show much consideration for 58 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES reporters. Before you have finished taking down the first sentence they are ever so far ahead of you. I had considerable difficulty therefore in obtaining a correct report of their speeches ; but being familiar with the questions of the day, I supplied any defects arising from my not hearing what they did say, by re- cording what they ought to have said. My fellow Bohemians tell me I am fortunate hither- to. I haven't had to report Tom Ferguson. After having strained myself, in hanging over the verge of the gallery to-catch Crook's indistinct muin- hling, and jotted down what I could catch of Rykert's rhapsoilies, and translated Robinson's falsetto squeak and Prince's shallow silliness into intelligible Eiiii,ii.sh, and carefully noted J^auc . ''s numerous interruptions, the long-threatened oration has no terrors for me. 1 heard Wood on the timber question last night. People seemed surprised to hear him attacking thi Government. I wasn't. When a man sells himself he has a right to expect C. O. D. Wood is only bought as yet, not paid for, and can't be expected to complete his part of the contract be- fore the Government do theirs. That arbitration appointment to England will put him all right. ..«..-,v, yy^^u-,^.i-^t^,*j_:f^i^'y-^,'s^^^^-^'^:y ■:^i';r-'^ M sai'j* .x>iH« t • .■f,-.i-»-;'t,ff—«n;Vi ■..f.,, y! • j.-Ji-l.Tlt(-j^,,,,l>p^.f^(.- I OF JIMUEL BRIOOS. 59 Scott's policy is to sell the timber off before it gels burned or otolen. The trouble with Scott is, he is as badly scared of firo as an average revival convert. He won't let his clerks work in the office night's for fear of fire. He dismissed one of them the other day because his nose looked fiery, and how he ever mustered courage to take out a writ of Fieii Facias in his professional capacity, I can't imagine. He is a monomaniac on the subject, and hence his timber policy. 1 wasn't long on the Globe staff. This morning Brown sent for me. " Briggs," said he, in a voice of tlumder, "Ye maun be a natural-born idiot. INIaister McKellar spoke over half an hour yesterday, and ye hae only given him two or three sentences." " 1 could not help it," saitl 1. " You see he would keep right on with his speech before I Lad got the first of it down. That wasn't my fault, was it ?' " Get oot o' this office. Get oot wi ye, ye feckU^ss shifdess, loon," roared Brown in a rage. '* I dis- chairge ye !" '•Hold up, my veneiable friend, I have a three years' agreement I" I gently remarked. *' That for your three years' agreement !" said he tearing the document into shreds, and raising his foot ominously. ■-^1^^-' 6o POLITICAL EXPKRIliNCES I saw that he was not susceptible to arugment, and resigned. I mean that as he ivasfiH resigned, I did. Seems to me, though, that these three years' con- tracts o'lgut to work both wijs. I guess I shall stick to the Irradiator awhile yet. If the pay isn't quite so good on the country" press, the editors aint so exacting. JIMUEL BRIGGS, D.li., Graduate of Cobocouk University. Toronto, Jan. i6th, 1873. - LETTER IX. Pa ntary Trip to Braniford— The Blind Asylum— Vis it to the Courier Office. Editor Coboconk Irradiator: — THE eternal fitness of things was never more appropriately illustrated than by the visit of the Ministry to the Blind Institute at Brantford last week. They and their followers have been going it blind so long that they doubtless feel quite in their element on this occasion. I was all the more pleased at the opportunity so generously tendered by McKellar to accompany this excursion in my capacity as a member of the press, on acconnt of the stringency of the railroad regulations shutting down on free passes. I always enjoy travelling so much better when it doesn't cost anything. When presenting your free pass to the conduct©'^ you feel yourself nnmeasurably above the wretch so devoid of influence as to be under the necessity of buy- ing a ticket, whom you regard with a mlngkd air of complacent pity and lofty seorn. But, i^las, tfiose days now belong to history. The ■■:i \ 6i or JIMUEI- BRIGGS. 62 POLITICAL EXPERIENCE. levelling spirit of democracy is gradually destroying every vestige of respect for time-honoured institutions, and the press shares in the general overthrow. Pretty soon a Bohemian won't ha/e any more privileges than the rest of society. Little worthy of special notice occurred during the trip. McKcUar grumbled considerably at having to pay a newsboy five cents for a Olobe. He said it was a swindle and a fraud on the public. Rykert said it ill became the honourable Commis- sioner of Agriculture to talk of swindles when the country in vain asked for an explanation of Elgin Association frauds. Wood was about replying, when Ferguson blandly suggested that be had better " Speak Now." He thereupon drew the attention of the conductor to the absence of spitoons on the cars. Meanwhile Lauder had collected a party at the other end of the car to whom he was expatiating on the Proton outrage. Fortunately the noise of the cars when in motion prevented my hearing any further conversation of this nature. We arrived in due time at Brantford, and after being received by the Corporation and invested with the freedom of the city drove to the Institute. Dr. Wiggins, the Principal, showed us round and put some of the pupils through an examination. It is OF JIMUEL BRrOGS. 63 really wonderful how they learn. I shouldn't wonder if some of these afflicted one' after a while get to know as much about finaticering as Crooks, and equal Hodgins in point of legal erudition. After McKellar had impressed upon the Principal the necessity of inculcating sound political doctrines, so that the inmates would vote right, we left for the town. I dropped into the Courier office and introduced myself to Lemon. He has a nice office. He showed me his Wharf- dale presses and new type and other accessories, and asked me what I thought of it. ** Well, you have things about 0. K., I replied, ** Nice office — very neat and so forth — ever) thing ab^Hit complete. But there is one thing needed yet?'' '' Yes ! and what is that ?" ' You want a place for the bailiff to sleep," 'Bailiff! what bailiff?" * You a veteran journalist and ask such an absurd question ! You surprise me. No printing office ought to be without accommodations fo; the bailiff* You see if you can make him comfortable, that obvi ates the necessity for his removing your presses and type, before you raise the money. It's a.' great advantage.' * dscussion, viz : — that Tom Ferguson didn't pick that note out of the spittoon. This week the lawyers had been trying their hands at the work of legal [reform. I always notice that the less a man knows about law the more eager he is t© reform it. 66 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES Betbune, Ilodgins, and other youthful Chancery practitioners have spent the interval since last session trying to find some defects in the law that wanted rec- tifying, so that they could get a chance to spread themselves in speeches showing how their extensive practice had revealed these evils. It is a cheap way of advertising. They get whule columns in the GIoIr and it don't cost them a cent. Bethune, I notice, wants to interdict habitual drunk- ards. I consider this measure fraught with danger to a large and influential element of the body politic- Also the body political. But so long as that important class are so strongly rcjircsented in the halls ol legislation there is no fear t!iat their constitutional privileges will be abriged. The habitu.il drunkard must be protected. If he is to be interdicted what numerous familiar forms should wc miss from the house 1 JIMUEL BRIGGS,'D.B., Graduate of Coboconk University. Toronto, Jan. 24th, 1873. OF JIMUEL BRICGS. 67 LETTER X. The Visit to the Dtaf and Dumb Institute— McKellar's Brilliant Strategy — Two days gained— Proceedinga in the House —The ' ' Briggs Outrage"— Enquiries— The Elgin Association Accounts. Editor Cuboconk Irradiator : — McKELLAR has a Napoleonic mind. He has a lofty and commanding an intellect or political tactics as the great Corsican had for mil- itary strategy. When the Red Republicans, the Clear Grits of thay day, used to threaten the stability of his bayonet- propped throne, by clamouring for Income Franchise and Surplus Distribution, he had a way of distracting the attention of the people by getting up a war with foreign powers. When Mars looms red and lurid on the horizon and the tocsin, whatever that is, calls ** to arms," a man soon quits fooling about Surplus Distribution and such like abstract questions, and devotes his energies to dodging tlie draft or r lising money to hire a substi- tute. Old Nap knew his little biz, he did. He saw more war than Thideus of War-saw. McKellar profits by his example. When the House tlUMi III \irl- v , 'i .1 68 POLITICAL EXPKRIENCBS gets unduly inquisitive about when the Government is going to bring down its measures, he diverts the legislative mind from the questions at issue by organ - izing excursions. On Wednesday the house excurted to BoUeville, on A visit to the Deaf and Dumb Asylum. We, that is the Ministry and I, had a long discus, sion previously, as to the direction the excursion should take. Mowit, suggested the Central Prison now in course of erection, and Crooks thought the rejected site of the Model Farm at Mimicco would be preferable. ** But there's nothing to see there," said Scott, who hftdn,t quite got hold of the idea of the proposed ex- hibition. *• That don't signify, said McKellar, "all we want is an excuse for a sleigh-ride and a dinner to gain a little time and give the racnbers something to think ofbeiides our short-comings. If there ain't much to See there now, ther^ will be in the summer time, when the crop of Canada thistles we put in last fall comes up." " Well Mimico be it then," said Crooks. " Hold up," said I decisively, " Mimico won't do i>eicher will the Central Prison." " Why not," said Pardee. " Not far enough off" I replied, *• the proceedings could not be spun out to more than a few hours, and i OF JIMUEL BRIGGS. 69 we'd be back in time for an evening session, so you'd be as badly off as ever. Why not go to the Deaf and Dumb Asylum at Belleville." " Delay the return train as long as possible, have plenty of good strong corn-juiee on board and half the members will be too languid for business next day. " That will be a clear gain of two days instead o^ one." They all saw the J^j|C<^ of yny reasoning, and gave ^^^'"^ '"Tnerence to the pUn. ^W said McKelUr. \y-'- ^ §--^' ?^^^^- an uuuer-rated man 1" " 1 own up," aaid I, with] becoming humility ** I'm a good deal under-rated. The assessors have only got me down for $200, and my retiring disposition is such that I didn't like to undeceive them, not even to receive a vote under the Income Franchise Bill.' You will accompany us, of course, said McKellar to the Premier. ^'I really havn't given the matter sufficient consid- eration yet," said Mowat. " There are reasons, weighty ones, too, I have no doubt, why the presence of the head of the Ministry would be desirable on such an occasion, and then on the other hand, it may doubtless have sue:gested itself to some reflective minds that the exigencies of the country demand my emaining at the seat of Government. jvj-;ri'i«fcix^«'as; 70 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES. " However, if upon the whole, it should seem advis able, after mature deliberation, I may perhaps be enabled to participate in the affair." Mowat must have a great mind. It takes him so long to make it up. We started at about eight Wednesday morning. Lieut. Gov'ernor Howland and McKellar were the only representatives of the Government on board. The Minister of Public Works hadn't forgotten my advice respecting sniritu nutriment, and the party presently grew very lively in consequence. The honest old farmers to whose hands unnumbered petitions for prohibition were entrusted by confiding constituencies, became hilarous, and decanters were speedily emptied. McKeller winked cunningly at me as much as to say. " Not much chance of a long sitting to-morrow, eh?" Aftei- a weary ride, Belleville was reached and We drove out to the Institute. I sat ntxt to H. S. Macdonald. He was in a mor- aHzing vein. "Here," said he, as we approached the building, " is a community of the silent ; no gleeful prattle of childhood, no loud contention of debate, no busy hum of conversation ever reyerbrates within these walls* where ail is mute and voiceless as the grave. Just think c fit." g OF JIMUUL BRIOOS. 71 I thought of it a spell and then said " Why that's nothing ; I know one locality in Toronto that is still quieter than even a Deaf and Dumb Institute," " I'll bet you five dollars you don't — no I take that back — I was forgetting ray little bill to render belting illegal — but where is it anyway ? " "Why Dummcr (dumber) street, of course,'' I briskly responded. His r.ice assumed an injured expression, and he re- lapsed into a moody silence. After being shown through the building we returned to the town, where a dinner had been provided on strictly temperance principles — no liquor without paying for it. I didn't pay for it, I knew there was a sufiSciency on board the cars. There was the usual amount of speechifying and expressions of mutual admiration, Ac. The party being replete, we took the homeward bound train. The tedium of the trip was beguiled by numerous stories, songs, and frequent assaults on the fluids so thoughtfully provided. Springer was the life of the party. He is a highly sufficient Teutonic personage with an inexhaustible fund of anecdote. We got home early — about four a.m., and McKel- lar's strategy was successful. The House only sat an 72 POLITICAL EXPERIKNCES hour or so that afternoon. A« I have already intimated, things have been dull 'n the House for the last week, Tliero is consideral)lc activity shown, however, in moving for returns of correspondence, &c., and making enquiries about things. What do you think ? The Opposition are actually imaking enquiries about me. Rykert has a notice in the paper that he will move Vor copies of all correspondence, &c., relating to the appointment of Jimuel Briggs, D.B., Graduate of Co- boconk University, as a member of the Commission, ^to examine land in the vicinity of Coboconk with a view to locating the Model Farm. Also for inform^, tion as to the remuneration received by the said Briggs in such capacity aforesaid, the duration of the said ai^pointment, the premium paid by the said Bn'irgs to the Government by securing the same, and the muiiner in which he invested the amonnt remain- ing, whether the landlady and laundress of the said Commissioner received their due proportion in the distribution of his surplus, and whether the said Briggs was not at the time in the employ of a certain newsi)aper, known as the Coboconk Irradiator, tog e ther with any other information in possession of the Government relating to the said appointment. Rykcit said be considered it a scandal and a dis- OP JiMUEL UKIUOS. 73 grace that I should be drawing four dollars a day ever since my appointment, when the work only occupied about a week. Thus, in addition to the Proton outrage and the Elgin outrage, we have now the " Briggs outrage. The Opposition are acting in a most outrageous manner. It'll cost more to get up and print this return and /circulate ten thousand copies of it than would pay my humble salary for another six months^ I met McKellar in the lobby in** „ ^ ,, ,. %i T a T *u . .-.-t now— " So Mac" said L '* I see that T^*' .;i^„. I-,., i> , . , . ' .--itilent little liykert has got a motion thron^li calling for the accounts of the Elgin .Associa»rion. You're fixed at last." He smiled complacently. " Yes, my unsophisti- cated young friend," said he. " They're quite wel- come to the accounts. They show all right, but It'll take a smarter man than Charley Rykert to get at the sums I dichi'/ account for. And yet some people say McKellar has no business capacity ! JIMUEL BRIGGS, D.B., Graduate of Coboconk University. Toronto, Jan. 30. 74 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES LETTER XL The Proi«n Outrage — Briggs suggests the Abolition of Proton to Mowat — The Premier's Objections — Surplus Distribu tion Deputa- tions — Whipping in the Members of the Party — McKellar's Character Analysed. Editor Cohoconk Irradiator. THE Proton outrage business has bothered the Government considerable this session. Not a smgle obser/ation could be made by any member on the Ministerial benches respecting those themes ever dear to the Grit heart — the frightful cor- ruption at Ottawa, and the depravity of Sir John A. Macdonald, but what some cuss on the Opposition side would disconcert the speaker by yelling out " Proton." Members from the rural constituencies would get up and begin to speak their little pieces based upon the Globe editorials, and suddenly, when vigorously denouncing the Ottawa Ministry, a gentle whisper, low as the sighing of a midsummer zephyr, of " How about Proton ?" vvould cause them to wilt like a bed bug when you drop coal oil on him. The eftect was very demoralizinjj on the Party. The average Gnt can't orate worth a cent without OF JIMUEL BRIGGS. 75 abusing Sir John and talking about corruption. Mem- bers had fixed up thei*- speeches during the summer and put in plenty of high-sounding phraeos about cor- ruption and purit ' of elections and so forth, and now the half of them were afraid to speak them all along because of tke Proton cry. Glancing around from my lofty standpoint, poised as it were in the empyrean heights of commanding intellect, I scanned with eagle orb the arena of poli- tical conflict and saw at once that something had to be done. 1 saw Mowat al)Out it early last week. ' Mr. Mowat," said 1, " this Proton business is tel- ling strongly against the F^efcrni cause." " I know it," he replied, " it hurts us like the developements in the Elgin Association aftair." Mowat never swears — but he came awful near it that time. The company he's got into is beginning to lower his'moral tone, and after a while he'll be able to lie, steal, and swindle Avithout scruple or remorse just like Scott, McKellar and the rest. **Well," I resumed, " why don't you stop it ?" " I only wish we could." *• It's easy enough, Just abolish the Proton out- rage." " Abolish it ! How ?" J ** Why, by a vote of the House. You have a ma- V6 POLlTlC/a. EXPEBIKNCES jority of two to one at your back, and yet you permit this scandal to exist Vote it down. Blot it out of existence ! You can do anything by Act of Parlia- ;nent. Not a boul of your following dare vote against you ^"^^ile the surplus remains intact for fear you might .hut down P" ^^^"^•" . ,,.,.„.., ,, o . . ' ^'on declaring that it is all right, Bnn- m a r.^oiu... .v ^^^^ ^y,^,, ^i^'t any that the Proton outrage fs fl my*.., ^ ^^ ^ia in such township on the map, that Lewis use- .. ^ fluence to elect Lauder, that he never was ,1 Iadu valuator, that McKellar is an h-^n-st man and mcr ^•^able of $uch a transaction— in shorV, any absurdity you like, and get the Party Lo vote it through." '• Then when any one bint? at Proton, you o.m triumphantly annihilate him by pointing to the over- whelming majority by which McKellar bis been exon- erated.'' " But, m/ ilsar sir," said Mowat, in astonisiirnent, *' the House would never Hupport such a resolution. Just think of the facts disclosed in the report, signed, too, by soveral of our own Party. Why, they would have to repudiate their own words." " What ot that. ' So much the worse for the facts. I tell you this House will vote for any mortal thing you like to propose, so long as the Surplus Distribution is in doubt." UF JIMUEI. BRrGGS. 77 " Delay your resolutions on that question for a little while longer, and if any of the members show a dis- position to weaken on the Proton resolutions, you can strengthen them by a mild hint that if they don't sup- port you their constiti3encies will be marked down as ' satisfied' when on the Surplus Distribution List." " I'm afraid the House would hardly be prepared to go as far as you suggest, but I'll consult ray col- K^agues about it at once," said the Premier, " If we could possibly get such a resolution adopted it would forever silence the tongno of detraction, and put to flight the armies of the aliens." " Say, boss, here's a whole squad of country looking fellows says they're bound to see you. It is a dele- gation from somewhere or other," said a clerk rushing in. *' Amster-DAM ! !" observed Mowat, in his most strenuous tones. As I said before, Mowat never swears — so he con- scientiously threw in the first two syllables to get a chance to bring the last out with proper emphasis. " Tell them I'm not in. Say I'm sick in bed — make any excuse you like," said the P remier. "1 can't and I won't see another man on that business to-day." So paying he started on a run for the back door, W 78 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES. climbed the wood shed with an agility that would have done credit to a younger man, jumped down into an alley, and ran for home, just as the deputation becom- ing impatient crowded into the room. My advice was speedily followed by the Govern- ment. McKellur and Scott fell in with the idea at once, and Mowat reluctantly consented ta brin^ in a series of.reisolutions abolishing Proton. As I anticipated, they didn't have much trouble with the Grit members. A few were inclined to be restive, but little judicious pressure on the rurplus question fetched them. Prince seemed rather disposed to go back on us at first. He was one of rhe Proton Committee, and didn't like eating his words. " Why how on ea th can I face my conrtituents alter stultifying myself for repudiating my opinions in that manner/' said he to McKellar. ** Oh, well for the matter of that my dear fellow, it von'!: be the first time," said the latter. '• besides your opinions don't amount to much, you know, and your constituents must be quite prepared for it by your course in deserting Sandtield. A good slice of the surplus will quiet them." When the eventful night arrived on Tuesday last, I was (detailed from duty m the lobby, with instructions 'fl*. .?■ n ■M. t).: OF JIMUEL BRIGQS. 79 to look after tho shaky members. If the Ministry had reason to think any of their tollowers wouldn't swallow the rciolutions they handed them over to nie. I waited then well first anl then commenced talk- ing surplus. When they said " ITow can I go back to my con- stituents after giving such a vote ? " I would reply " A great deal better than you can wit-hoiit any surplus." That settled them. I had soma difficulty with Prince and Ilobiusou. After we had lubricated the wheels of existence seve- ral times, they boch promiied to speak and vote right, but the former shirked the vote, and tho latter protested that he had left his tuning fork at homo, and didn't think he could strike the right key. " Key? ^V'Jiish-key f said the member for Essex, in an incoherent tone, assumed of course to give point to a very feeble attempt at a joke. Prince's humorisms are not equal to those of Mr. Punchy to whom his style of facial architecture pre- sents a strong resemblance. However at last the debate came to an end, and t\ie House abolished Proton by an overwhelming majority. ]^ow that there i-a't any more Proton, the Grit eiTibers can bring on their remarks about Sir John ^/Liigkiimgmi^mm So POLITICAL EXPERIENCES Mccdonald and Ottawa corruption, without fear of being told "you're anotlior." We are told that you can't make men moral by Act of Parltament, but the vote has given McKellar a first- rate moral character. Hold up, though I was for^ getting tlie Elgin Association swindle. However, if Mowat will only keep his surplus dis- tribution resolutions back long enough we can white- wash him on that question too. McKellar is a fine man ; I have lately analyzed his character, tJccording to the latest scientific methods, with the following results : — Philanthropy— F 3-C 8 $--D. B. Rhetorical powers — C2. Z 7-Pq. Political sagacity ~D. F. o o-l^-X 4. Agricultural knowledge — A, ^-^ M 2, Ij 16, P, Moral character — 23 L? V 3-E 19. ! That's the kind of man McKellar is. You mlh doubtless, observe that ilth Bfntem is thi same as employed by IVof. Mills in hi« cfikbrated analysis of the soil of the MimUo farm. ril back Coboconk University %ftinst Ann Arbor any day, JIMUEL m4IG(4B. D.B., Graduate of Coboconk University Toronto, Feb. 12. OP JIMUEL BRIGGS. 8i LETTER XII. The Agricultural College— No Chance for Coboconk-A Close Vote. Editor Coboconk IrnuHator, THE Aijrriculturai College business is settled at last, and Gudph takes the prize. At one time I was not wir. iout hopes that my in- fluence might be sufficient to secure tliis inatitution for my native village. I thought that the Government didn't particularly care where x was to be. so long afli it wasn't at Mimi- co and strenu 'Usly urged the claims of Coboconk upon McKellar. It wasn't any use. " Loixi bless you," said he, ** It was fixed long ago that Guelph is to have it. We had to get rid of Peter somehow, so wc promised it to ium as a consideration for resigning. "If it hadn't been tor political exigenoie'i Cobo- cone might li^-ve had a show, and I dvin't see why is wouldn't have <^onQ just as well AvS the Stone Farm at Guelph." " Why buy a stone farm foi such a purpose ? If Mimico is objected to ■^% being a little sandy, what on earth will they say to rocks ! " said I, fe.^ring that the ministry had commuted some stupendous blmjder. I 83 POLITICAL EXPERIBNCES McKellar smiled like an amiable hippopotamus, and explained that the Stone was personal rather than geohnrical in its signification, and I felt relieved, though sorry to think there was no chance for my native village. Had 1 been enabled to secure that College for them and gone to visit the scene of boyhood's days I should^ doubtlrss, have received a perfect ovation. They would have treated nio like a cobo-eonqueror ! But it was not thus to be. There was a lively debate Tuesday when the affair came up in the House, and tho Government after a while got to feel pretty shaky. I was deeply impressed with some of the arguments adduced in favour of the change. In the first place, there was Prof. Mills report condemning Mimico because the land was too much P 3 O 4— ? H and not enough P Q 2 $ A 14— B, and tungs(ates uniting with the protoxide of iron elimi- nated the vital elements of hyperchloriJe of solatium, and consequently caused the presence of phosphoretio diapason. That fetched the rustic Grits. They did not un- derstand a word of it, and consequently greatly ad- mired the Professors massive intellect. The best way to argue with an uneducated cuss is to mystify him. Some of them weren't convinced, however, Sinclair OF .11 Mil EL BR1G(;S 83 met lue in the lobby, aud said, '* Hech, Maistcr Briggs, I dinna think rauckle o' yen Professor." " Why so ?'' " Didna he say something ivbout ox hide o' iron ? The man's a gowk I'll tell yo. Wha iver heard o' eicciin a things as an ox hide o' iron ? Dut liktly the puir body never saw an ox in his lifo ;ind tliinks ox hides are made to 01 ler. He's an eediot.'* Crooks went for Guelph strong on the point of economy. His speech gave me some new ideas. It seems I've been very economical all the time and never once sus^jected it. The Government has spent $35,000 changing this site, and are going to sive money by using the old building on the lot. I have wanted a new pair of pants for some time Last week I borrowed five dollars from Mowat to get them, but afterwards concludetl to invest about half of it in licjuid nutriment. Still, upon the whole, I save money by the plan, because I have concluded to make the old pants do me for a while longer — probably till I receive a remit- tance from you, which looms far off in the dim vista of futurity. The Government is pretty close run on that ques- tion, and I had to help them through by lobbying. It was pretty tough work— I had lost my best hold by the pubUcation of those s'lrplus resolutions. ■r f 84 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES If Movvat would only have taken my advice and kept then, back till he had got all the rest of his moa- sures through, he would have smoother sailing. Nine majority was all we lu\d when the vote was taken, and it was hard work to get that. JIMUEL BRIGGS, D.B., Graduate of Coboconk University. Bowmanville, March 14. ■■wsRWir" '»"'"■»«;' OF JIMUEL BRIGOS. 85 LETTER XIII. Brig),"' <"'oes to Ottawa -Abolition of the Pass System— Ottawa and its Inhabitants — L« > Misf^nibles — An Opposition Cacus—A Bi- L'.n-ju.il Speech— 1 he Position of the Party — A Mclanchoiy Pro- spect-Cash V. Credit, Editor Coboconk Irradiator : 1_T AVING seen Mowat and his colleagues through J[ ihcir (lifticukies, " And all the clouds thnt lowered upon their front, In the deep bosom of the oceaa buried," as the great dramatist observes, I took my departure for tlie Dominion capital to pilot the Opposition safely into the promised land of oftice, Mackenzie t.elegraj)hed Mowat to know if he could spai-o me for a while, as tb^^ situation was becoming critical, and he appreciated oy talents as a critic. " Well, 1 reaHy don't know about this," said the Premier dubiously. '* The session seeems likely to last a month or so, and we may want you — but then, on the other hand, Mackenzie's request seems urgent, and " " Oh, he'd better go, by all means," said E. B. Wood, interrupting a lengthy debate which Mowat was commencing to carry on with himself, more siw. Go up, young man. Go up to the help of the Lord, to the help of the J.ord against the mighty." I went up. Mowat handed me some surplus to de- ' ^ ^a^- 'iu IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT 3) €^. j^^ *t ^° ^^-^ f/ .<5> /. 1.0 I.I us M 2.2 1^ 12.0 1.8 1.25 U i 1.6 P» V. ^ r c^ "^ x^%>i "% X ///// Photographic Sciences Corporation 'C< n^ ^ ^ V *» /> -« ^ >. ^^^ J^^ ^ ». o .tii-l.J-*i^-*,^'»**i(, , 86 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES fray my expenses, and gave me his blessing and a copy of the Globe, exhorting me to read it regularly every eveninij before retiring to repose. ■ . Thus equipped, pecuniarily and morally, 1 was speedily e/i route. . v ; ■ I had'nt been long on board the cars before the cond'.ictor made his rounds and observed; " Ticket, sir. >» " That's all right,'" said I, with a graceful wave of the hand ; *' I belong to the press." ** That's played," he said with a sardonic smile. *' We shut down on free passes long since. How far arc you going ?" '' To Ottawa," I replied. ^ ^ ^t^ :^^ - ^* Eight dollars and ten cents," he laconically re- joined. : •■ '^ ''■'^^'"" ■■ - ■ ■ -■-' --/--■ " But," said I, determined not to yield the point and the shekels wiihout a final struggle. '* Consider that the press is the ajgis of our boasted liberties, the palkdaim, as it were, cf the rights wrested by our forefathers from the mailed hands of a grasping oli- garchy, and secured to us by the constitution which we all so justly venerate." " I'll take that eight dvillars and ten cents," replied the remorseless being." '' You can't dead head the Grand Trunk, not if you are David Mills, and you mi[^ht just ;^s well save them remarks for year next es- say in the Citnadian Monthly. fi' : I OF JIMUEL BBIGGS. 87 . I ^'eakened and distributed my surplui*, with the remark that he need not add insult to injury by con- fo'inding me with the Sage of Bothwell. Tf any accidents happen on the Grand Trunk, please record them in double leaded long primer, with sen- sation headings. A railway which don't respect the press deserves no consideratio»i at our hands. The remainder of my journey was accompliahed without incident or accident worthy of note. I was *n hopes that the train would have run off the track, in order that I might have had an opportunity of de- nouncing the management of the line, but it didn't, and I arrived here in safety. Ottawa is a peculiar community. The permanent inhabitants consist of civil service officials, lumbercri, And hotel keepers, the transient ones cf M.F.'s, lob- byistS; and members of the press. Its growth has been rapid. It abounds in oldest inhabitants, who tell marvellous anecdotes about the way land had risen in value, and how a few years ago they could, if they had only thought of it, have bought up half the city at a dollar an acre, or some suoh ri- diculously low figure. I met one of them the other day. Said he, ** Thii city is growing Tery fast. *' Yes," said I. ** The luxuries induced by the ac- <;umulation of wealth and the consequent innovations upon the primitive social customs of our ancestors. 88 POLITICAL EXPEBITSNCES. doubtless tend to a style of living which verges upca dissipation and extravagance." ** No, no," said he, " I mean that it is extending rapidly. You see all those new buildings in that di- rection?" , , ,^^- ,:,• „_ ■_. , _...y ^,,,,.. ^^ " Yes," said i: - _' , ...V'';.' '; '"',!-•■'.' .... ■:.,.',. " Well, I remember the time whei. there wasn't a solitary building west of here." . " You do, eh ? I see you, and go you ever so nu- merously better. I remember the time when there wasn't a solitary building west of Bay street, Toronto." *' You are a Grit editor," he indignantly ex- claimed. ** I'll bet you live dollars you don't. Why I was in Toronto twenty years ago, and there were hundreds of buildings in the locality you mention." "Of course there were," said 1, ''consequently you must perceive that I am correct in stating that there wasn't a solitary building there. They were all to- gether in blocks." ^ < He saw the point and set 'em up. As we were taking our social reinvigorator together he said — " Beg pardon, but what constituency do you represent ?" ** The true patriot," I replied with hauteury " is so devoted to the interests of our common country that he scorns to identify himself wit>^ any particular sec- tion, but labours assiduously for the welfare of the whok community." OF JIMUEL BRIGG8. % " Then you belong to the Civil Service, I sup- pose ?" " No," said I. " Then you must be a member of the press." " Right you are. I represent the Coboconk Jna- diator, whose scintilliations permeate the remotest corner of our Dominion, shedding its genial rays ever the entire political arena. . *' I knew it," said my interrogator. " I was sure you must be a Bohemian if you didn't belong to the House or the Civil Service." ' The tone of Ottawa society is apt to be somewhat flashy and superficial ; they have a Chaudiere (shoddy air) there. , i .; ^, , Party feeling runs high. *' Have you seen the Devil's Hole," said a debased Tory cuss to me on Tuesday last, alluding to a stupendous natural curios- ity in the neighbourhood. " No," said I. '' Haven't time. Got to attend a Reform caucus this afternoon." " Oh," said he sarcastically, " that')! do you fust as well. A Grit caucus must be the next thing to a DeiiTs Ho/er Well, it did remind me somewhat of the cave o[ Trophimus mentioned in classic annals. When a man once entered the gloomy depths of its cavernous recesses, the terrifying sights presented to his vision so impressed themselves upon him, that thenceforward S"3ffi^5f«Sw3^5^^l^lS^^gig£i;:^,. .;i^'.*.^:^;.ii;. ^* v--ai.i; ^.^'t'"* a'^W^^ 90 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES. " melancholy marked him for her own *' and care overshadowed his features. - . A more dispiriting, cheerless assemblasje I have never witnessed. Funeral ijloom prevailed, Mackenzie was sour, cold and unsympathetic as usnal. Dorion is a cadaverous, billious looking individual with the corners of his mouth drawn down as if dis- satisfied with everything in existence. * ; n a ^ li HoUon resembles the deacon of a hardshell Baptist church where the preacher starves on a salary of $300 a year — and the congregation never put anything but coppers in the plate. Blake wasn't there to add to the prevailing sombrc- ness by his malignant scowl and the grating acerbity of his sarcasms. Altogether their disniu!, woebegone appearance suddenly dampened the exuberance of my enthusiasm for the cause. ;. > " This crowd don't look as if they were going in to win " thought I, as they slowly rose to greet me on my entrance. Having been introduced by Mackenzie, I was in- vited to add 'CSS the meeting. I was on the point of doing so in English, when I suddenly remembered that numerous of the members were of French extrac- tion, and might feel slighted if I did not use their language. I therefore concluded to effect a judicious compro- \ OF JIMUET r.RIGGS 91 mise by gracefully intertwining the choicest flowers of speech in each tongue in a beauteous garland as a tribute nt the shrine of national union, and thus pro- cecded : *'Gentiihommes— Unaccustomed as I am to public spenking, I realize~je comprend, so to speak, le verite d^un observation d'un auteur Francais famuex. * Cest ie premier pas qui coute.' So vioes m y friend Mac here. He has been trying to take the " Premier pas" for some time—mais il est tres difficuU. Sir John has been slightly too beaucoup pour lui. Comprennez 1 Ja'i arrive ce matin pour assister dans un gr-r-ande boulversement (Cheers.) That truly great and good man George Brown has observed, avec la sagacite d'un homme d'etat. *' Nos lois, nos langue et no insti- tutions,'' aud I can only observe that le parti Grit is destined to go on dons le warpath de victoire— con- quering aud to conquer under the broad banner of Reform—N'est ce pas ? When our ancestors— nr,8 qnartrepres—left their homes and their firesides- pour aller au wilderness et poi-r etablir un grand nation — Httle, little did they think that a day would arrive quand le mandit Sire Jean A. Macdonald—un nom •xccrable par tout bon patriots— woald trample the constitution of our lacerated country to the dust. (Cheers). Ayant dit jusqu'ici je resumerai mon fau- teuil, amid enthusiastic applause." This mixing up of languages, like the whiskey and i i it ^m t mmmmmmM i m DamiiiBim»mm--x T»»"ll« 19 mm 1 1 : ■ \ - In- 92 ft"' POL'TITICAL KXPERIEWCE8 bitters in a cocktail, may seem strange to your read- ers, but it is the regular Parliarnentary style of doing things. At the beginning of the session the (r/^^-'«» ***«arV^->>**>*AriM'«-f** t 94 POLITICAL EXPERIKNCES LETTER XIV. The Parliament Huildings — Dangers of the Interior — An Offici.U and his Duties— English and French Oppositionists — Centre Toronto Klection — The Prohibitory Quertion — 'Hie Dodge Scandal. Editor Coboconk Irradiator : THE Parliament Buildings are like Senator Mc Master — lofty and impost' g. I am not an archi-tect — not even an Archy McKel- ]ar — so I cannot enter upon a detailed description of th« facades — Corinthian columns, turrets, buttresses and escarpments — and if I did your readers wouldn't understand me, though tbey might admire in dazzled ignorance. Suffice it to say they are very big, substantial and mas;;ive, and cost untold shekels. The internal arrangements are decidedly labyrin- thine. Have you ever seen the opera of the Grande Duchesse ? No, of course, you haven't. Dramatic art is yet in its infancy at Coboconk. It hasn't got any further than recitations of '* Brutus and Cassius " at school examinations, or at most the condition of the great moral drama of* Ten Nights in a Bar-Room," by the members of the Aquabibulatory Temple, No. 216, S.O.T. OF JIMUEL BRIOCS. 95 If, however, you have seen tne Orande Duch^sxe, ycu would likely remember the manner in which J^aron Grog was conducted to au interview with the Duchesse. ** He traverses a long corridor, ascends a flight of stairs, crosses a iajge hall, descends another flight of stairs then goes along another corridor— rc- ascends, traverses another corridor, then re-descends — is conducted through a spacious apartment, then re- descends, &c.'' Well, that's just the way you go through the Ot- tawa Parliamentary and Departmental buildings. Traditions are extant of strangers who have reck- lessly ventured in there without a guide, and, not re- turning for a few Jay^, have finally been discovered by the expeditions organized by anxious friends, in some remote corner, in a famished condition, and ut- terly bewildered as to their route. The other day, in cleaning up one of the offices, which had been but little used, a mouldering skeleton was discovered behind a pile of blue books and such like rubbish. It is iupposed to be the frame work of one of these venturesome explorers who had thus paid the p.:nalty of his rashness. There are numerous janitors, ushers and similar functionaries around. They belong to the Civil Ser- vice, though it mightn't always strike you from their general style of address. I was going cautiously along the other day whit- .-a^».fijj ^ ,y.f».n.ifi. 96 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES tling the pillars and walls at intervals with my jack- knife, so that 1 miijjht be sure of being able to retrace my steps and find my way out again, when unto me a portly grey-headed individual quoth, in manuer and form, that is to say : — '* Where are you going ? "' " Straight alicad, it's all right," said I, trying to execute a flank movement and sidlo around him. " You can't go in," said he, planting himself athwart my path. , ^ - . •' Hut,"' said I, " I belong to the press, which I need hardly inform you is — &c., tfcc." Here I in- serted the i-^eat little speech I always made at my public dinners in replying to the toast of " The Press." ■'■ ' " :.:i^^; :-. . .. I have known street-car and even railway conduc- tors molified by that speech. I have seen gruff and imperturable doorkeepers at concerts and theatres yield before its permeating eloquence, and reluctantly under the portals with grumbling observations con- cerning another ** d'^ad-head" — it has secured me ac- cess to unnumbered socials and tea-meetings, but it failed to soften that case-hardened janitor. ,** It's no use," said he, " you can't pass this way unless you're a member." .^ ,*,« ^ Just as I was turning sadly away with the deter- mination to pen a scathing article on " Official InsQ- or JIMITRL BRIOOS. 97 lenoe " for your columns, Mackenzie approached and I sought his intervention. "Can ye no let the mon pass wi' 'out making sic can an' unco fash aboot it," said he, and the cerebe- rcan vigilance of the bloated official at once re- lapsed. ' "By the way m^n/'siil th* Opposition leader sternly eyeing him. " V^hat are yere jewtiea here. " Duty, duty 1 " replied the cuss, confusedly, as if a new idea has just dawned upjn his bewildered intel, lect. " Duty did ye say," ** Ay, sir, that j^at what I did say — ©m ye no gi' me aitraight answer instead o' itandin' there glow- in there like a gomeril ?" He replied that he was deputy-assistant something or other. "Ay, but what are you pit here to do." " Do you see that deer there 1" he briskly answered as if a sudden hlea has just struck him — pointing to An elaborate piece of sculpture on one of the pillars. "Yes." ' ' . ^ Then my duf:y is to keep my eye on that deer, tliidif there is atiy chance of his spoiling the fttmitnre to remove him." . , * ' **eihV* said ^^fefc^wm tlifelly, is he Kistily walked towai da the reading-room. if-*J,> M-. 98 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES Things had been looking ui) somewhat since last week — and the Refomners are more cheerful. The melancholy and morose temperamci^t which distinguishes the ^ arty leaders on our side is mostly confined *o the English clement. The French Oppo- sitiorists aie a much rroie cheerful, emiable ?rd light hearted set. In fact 1 met one of them to da> v.ho Icolcd quite It is a relief to encounter their i^oUtcfBc and viva- city after the glum and glocmy unsociability of the Ontario Grits. ' "* V/e had a victory on Monday. To be sure it wasn't much of a one, but then we have to be thankful ^or small mercies just now. The election petition against Wilkee, of Centre Tcionto, was thrown out by an overwhelming majo- rity of four. , et s-i:!?£i liii .f'r^ 'Ha Urunm •tY;^'^'' ^:■■ It Tvould have been too bad if we had lost that seat, considering the amount of suq^lus spent on it. iy* Wilkes says he didn't spend a cent, and 1 believe him. He had conscientious scruples against fooling away money in that manner — so long as his party friends were willing to bleed freely for the good pf the cause — " Wa/ch and prey," is his motto. .. It i.ayfl to be high-toned and conscientious after all. is: .m* ■m OF JIMUEL BRrCGS. 99 Wood sent us a congratulatory telegram comprising several verses cf Scripture, but unfortunately omitted the customary ceremony of paying for the message, so Wilkes had very reluctantly to do so. Never shall 1 forget the expression of disgust with Which he threw down the message after a brief glance at its contents. "The idea,'* said he, **of the man telegraphing to me asking * Why do the heathen rage and the people imagine a vain thing.' Its absurd, and its unpaid too — positively blasphemous," he thought- fully added. The party are considerably disgusted with the ac- tion of the Ontario House in sending those temper ance petitions here. It was so convenient for members during their canvass, when bothered by delegations of enthusiastic temperance men, to be able to reply that the cause had their warmest sympathies and they were ready to promote it by every means — in their power ; but un-i, fortunately the matter was in the hands of the Loc?i Legislature. Now, the Ontario Ministry have ciin nihgly extricated themselves from the dilemmi and put their friends here in a pretty awkward fix." I' don't know what the party are going to do about it, but both Blake and Mackenzie are down ca Mowat for shirking the resuonsibility of dealing with . ■ «..'.»i*it.^'>tU<*4i V-^ifSti^wsi^t-ivA^p*.-^-**. 1*1- lOO POLITICAL ES^PBRIENCBS 3,1 Hi it, and then sending in a petition for this Parliament to do what they daro not undertake. ** The party must take some action on this ques- tion " said I to Blake, ** now that the motion in fa- vour of Prohibition has been carried unanimously at Toronto." v^, -,,,,^.,,vn--. ^^tii^-m ■; ''^Aq ■ '• Carriea unanimously " — said he scornfully. ''Car- ried pusiUaninwus/y you mean. Well, I suppose we had better have a committee appointed to consider the question," Accordingly, on Monday the motion for a committee was. Skim-milk Bodwell took the lead, being considered the fittest man to initiate a milk-and-water policy. When the question comes up that you don't know how to deal| with, it's always best to appoint a com- mittee. That gives you time to deliberate at any rate. The Dodge scandal haseauied^b end oia sensa- Hon. It was a pretty good story if it had only held water. We calculated that lie would have voted right with jthc exposure hanging over his head, but he went back, on us — and hence the best we can do is to ntilize him as an awful warning to similar offenders in the future. But after all it did'nt make much difference which- '^;verway he voted. Ramsay was bound to ventilate his story anyhow, but could^nt make use of the Gfykti or JIMUEL BRIGGS. 101 nmil]Br^n^^,urc that Dodge was lost to the E ^.ITT^ !!'" ^' ^ «°"' '"'o opposition, and E am ay had then asked the <4fc^*»»'fr%«'■*' y^*^" 104 POLITCAL KXPEBXENCKS has for th^ present thrown a damper on our hopes.*. ** Yes," said I, ** I never before saw such dam-per tenacity. Au revoir.*^ »;^i':^v:-r^ * a *' I notice by the papers that shortly before the pro- rogation of the Ontario House McKellar explained his connection with the Elgin Association. His defence is truly a gem worthy of being en- shrined in a pcctic setting for preservation for aU times, which I have endeavoured to do as follows:—? McKELLAK'S DEFENCE. I appear tonight before ye, , ,, - Although time scarce aflforda, ' ' \ ' To refute that little story ?/ Si '^^■■w'A.Hn About the Elgin Frauds. (^ ', Its a monstrous fabrication, , ' V A slander base and black, •^''*' - ^' •= I didn't steal ih& money — ^ ' -A^v But I'm going to pay it back. rl; u. t,:.-J xn rj"l%fv ' Xv' I never went to Glasgovr, The Rev. King was sent, ^ ;,. . ,, ,. Why, I was home attending ;;; v' ;^: V" ■t " ^ " In my place ia ParlSament. w,*v ^v-riifei fed' T'is true the folks in Scotland,, ..y^.f In giving were not slack, But I didn't sfc^l the money, Thougb I'm bound to pay it back;^ I never ran that mission, Nor took a single ctnfc:^ ? Though my influpnceand position > To the cause were freely lent. '4 t MwrvfM VWkI'W CE JIMUBLBRIGOS. Here's the Secretary's letter, 1 nat I couidn't steal the mon^r--. But 1 mean to pay ifc back. It'a a wicked Tory libel That I pocketed the rocks bee these half dozen letters Jo the Kev. Horrocks Cooks. '*" Ihe writers say they freely gave To elevate the black. Now, MH>ttW I steal ihe money T Why, of course, I'll pay ifc back. Yes, I did receive subscriptiona l«rom one ungodly beat • H^ name. I think, was MAlar, tie lives m Fenchurch street The vengeful cuss had followed me Tn «/? ^/ f?t^-hound on the track Just aj if I'd stole his money ! dnt I mean to pay it back. I appeal unto my record T ,^^2"^-!l'.""**^^°*^^ «njn . have ye got no sympathy For the poor down- trodden slave, "^ In whose behalf philanthropists Their cash so freely gave ? Do ye scorn and hate the negro, Because his skin is black ? No, I didn't steal that money — But still ril pay it back. JIMUEL BRIGGS, D.B., Graduate of Coboconk University. Ottawa, April 3rd. OF JIMUEL BBIGOa. LETTER XVI. Editor Cohoconk Irradiator : A FEW days since I concluded to leave Ottawa. My decision was somewhat a celerated by the uncompromising attitude of the clerk of the Russell House, who, on Tuesday morning, drew my attention to the fact that my Utile bill was unsettled. "Not that we entertain the slightest suspicion of you, Mr. Briggs/' said that urbane functionary, " but you see we have so many office-seekers and people with claims on the Government stopping here, that we have to be careful—very careful— and cannot dis- criminate." '' I fully understand," said I. '» Let me see, I think Horrocks Cocks (known in polite circles as '* Boos- ters,') once stayed there." " He did— het'Ja," said the clerk, with a mournful sigh. ** O'v. tho.i, thatfiilly acjouits for your aflecti onate io8 POLITICAL EXPBBIEWCES. 11* 'I solicitude. But don't be uneasy, I'll square up this afternoon, sure." A minute or two atterwards I softly glided to my chamber, seized my travelling-bag, and made my exit as speedily as possible. I hope none of your readers will miscontrue this ' action, I solemnly pledge my word of honour to pay that money as scon as I am able. Further explana- tions will be made " at the proper time." The train don't leave till evening, so I had con- siderable time on my hands before I could procefd on my journey, like "Groat O'Ryan, sloping slowly to the West." as the poet laureate has it, though he don't mention why O'Ryan found it necessary to slope. I therefjre concluded to take a last fond look it the arena of debate, the halls 'neath whose lofty dome t'le aasembled wisdom of the D*jmimon convene lOr mutual vituperation. When the time for the departure of the train drew nigh, bidding a cordial adieu to my Parliamentary and Bohemian friends, — not forgetting Mr. White, the father of the gallery — a white man in every res- pect, may his shadow never wilt— I meandered to- wards the station. Qn my way I bought a Free Preu, and judge ot m N- ! ..!>•' »H ■ . P-.. OF UMUEL B&IGOS. 109 feelings when my eye rested od tbe following para. graph. "Haf«L Dead Bcat. — The gentlemanly proprietor of the Kuaitell Ilouee lias been victimized by an individual styling himself Jimuel Briggs, D.B., and profeBsing to bo a graduate of Coboconk Univertity. He naa been staying at that establishment for some weeks, during wbioh time be has never paid a cent for his board. This morning he was asked to settle his bill, which he promised to do m a few hours, but in the meantime he managed to secure his trunks (?) and depart unobserved. The fellow is plausible in address, talks a good deal of his influence with the Ontario Government, and is evidently a con- firmed swindler and impostor, though his claim to the title of D.B. is unquestionable. Pass him round." I carefully cut out the paragraph and idued it to a collection of similar ones in my pocket-book. Ou arriving at the station , who should I see on the platform but Mitchell, the proprietor of the Fre^ Preu. ,, , . ^|ie looked as if he wished to avoid me, but I Tushed towards him, and, grasping him by the hand, exclaimed, •' My dear fellow, how shall I ever repay your kindness ? It is more than I really could have expected irom a compara>i 'c stranger. I am truly and sincerely grateful." ^ :-:y<.i:,^>^:^-:.-:.:\-.'^;.;r[:\, •* But how ? What do you mean 1 " he stammered ont, seemingly much surprised. ' ; - r "Why, that paragraph in to m^f s paj^w f^ t no POLIITICAL XPEBimrCES '* Well, if it ain't true, our columna are open if you wish to correct it." ** '' Correct it ! Not likely. I hope you will do no- thing of the sort. Why, you have no idea of the good that little item is going to do me." ** How it can possibly benefit you I can't imagine." . .^^, , . ,. • .; ^ *' Why, I want to get a position as Flmigration Agent of the Ontario Government. Nou; you twig." "Oh, I Bee," said he, suddenly enlightened. m *• I applied to McKellar last fall, and after enquir- ing into my antecedents, he said they were very welj as far as they went, but wouldn't begin to compare with other applicants. ' Here's a man,' he observed, referring to Horrocks Cocks (known in refined circles as " Roosters ") who has drawn two hundred and eighty pounds for emigrants sent out by a society that don't exist — has repeatedly been drunk in public — besides doing any quantity of promiscuous bilking, and passing himself cflf as a clergyman. " * Then look at Creasy J. Whellams — a confirmed swindler from his boyhood — a confidence man — a bogus check operator — a chronic insolvent — who has deserted his family. Why, he collected eight hun- dred pounds for the victims of the Franco-Germain war and kept every cent of it ! * Now,' continued Mc Kellar, * you must admit that you have as yet nothing or jIMtftL BR ices. Ill to sfibi^ that witl at aff compare with these brilliant operations. ..., , . .„ . ^ ; . . . ..f r ♦• . '* * You have, it is true, swindled a few boarding- house keepers out of small amounts, and victimised a tradesman ov two, but these are very insignificant ex- ploits in comparison, and you can hardly expect to be assigned to the responsible position of Emigration Agent until you give greater evidence of talent.' * ** Since then I have been diligently striving to build up a record such as will satisfy McKellar of my fitness for the office, and conset[uently feel deeply grateful for the assistance you have rendered me/',, , j,, j ^^** Oh, don't mention it," said Mitchell. \ ,7.:.,::.n •;, i...^«» I do hope," I contmued, *' that you will not let this matter rest. Insert another paragraph to-morrow, comprising new and startling developments respecting the character of J. Briggs, D. B. Say that I have been distinguished for furtive proclivities since my earliest infancy ; that when I was a Sunday-school boy, I used to collect money from the public for Japanese missions and invest if in surreptitious cigars. ^,^ ^ ^^^ " Tell them that I have for years practised the bo- .gus cheque game on confiding travellers — make out that when I left the University numerous watches aad spoons and things also mysteriously vanished — say I liay© half-a-dozen aliases — anything you please, but mm IMi »:. . .',9l>k'i:M>^-^^i, Mk •^-af.ctU .^,-|*»!tfc.4sk«i*i'J*ic iia POI.ITICAL EXPEHIBNCES '. 'i ■: ? don't, ob don't allow the subject to drop on any ac. COUnl /v<:;., ^- -, " Then next fall when the Ontario Government are selecting a fresh batch of agents, I will go and lay be- fore McKellar a record of a long series of swindles, frauds and defalcations that will completely overwhelm Whellams, horrify Horrocks, and satisfy McKellar of "Mf entire worthiness to co-operate with him in the cause of emigration." He said he would do the be$t he could, and I bade him adieu, wishing him a merry Good Friday, and a happy Easter. I managed tOT)6fm^ l^otfgTi mbney from Gnt members on board the train to see me through, and on arriving here reported myself at once at bead- quarters. *' Back from Ottawa ?" said Mr. McKellar. " Couldn't pick up anything, eh ?" ** Nofc likely, so long as our party is in Opposition. How's tbe machine running ?" ** Kind of rough. That Horrocks business is hurt- ing us considerable.' *♦ Hfts the old eardifte bieten up to anything morel" I qiteried, afraid that he had made some new aovande fe depravity that would require a romespondrng dc- vdOpement on my part. * **IThat is a very irrcveretit tnatiner in which iio OF JIMUEL Briggs. i 13 speak of a minister," replied McKellar. " Oli, no/' said I, - the term is often highly appro, priate for a clergyman '' ^ /appro ** How so ?" 11 Because he sometimes goes down into the aisle/ ''Atsle--i/e—Akle of a church and the ile they keep sardiaes in. It's a joke. Don't you see ?' He smiled as faintly as it is possible for McKellar to smile and said he wonldn't detain me. This is the diplom-^tic expressi on ier "clear out," 83 1 left him (o his reflections. I do hope Ilorrocks and Whellams won't perpeirate any raore swindles yet awhile, so ae to give me a chance to catch up to them. I think I could hold my own if I had a fair stait. . JIMUEL BRIGGS, D. B., Graduate of Coboconk University Ottawa, April roth. 114 poi rricAi. ExrKmENCES. LKl'TRR XVII. riitfSoU'h Bratii Victory- -B vv Park— Brown as a Boss — Kidnap • ioing Emio'ranls-The "Peculiar Institution" of Yearly- Agree ments Editor Cohoconk Irral^iator: ' ,; WE have achieved a grand Party triumph. South Brant is ours — bought and paid for honestly. A. Normal School, a railway b^niis, and a few thou- sand cr»sh was the prio^ — nofc dear considering the high price of constituencies these days. 'y . ' '-' I didn't stky at Brantford until elecliun day, but re- turned homo last week — visiting Bow Park on the way Bow Park belongs to the Hon. George Brown. He is an amateur farmer — v/hich gives him an opportunity to make a little political capital with the rural voter by claiming to be one of themselves, and a tiller of the ground. He raises Durham cattle, and Berkshire hogs, and •fall wheat, which cost him about three times as much as if he were to buy tlieiu. Brown is bound to have all the newest and choicest varieties of poultry on his farm. Two or three years since, when Horrocks Cocks (known in refined circles as " Roosters "; first came over, beforj he had achieved his present notoriety, Brown happen* d to hear him spoken of incidentally. '^A OF JIMUEL BRIGGS. 115 He at once wrote to his agent in the old country as follows : — " Send mo some of this Horrocks breed of poultry that people are talking about." Agent wrote back that he had better stick to Shan- ghais, as the Horrocks species jvc^o very expensive, and not a lay variety either. Brown has since been brought into more intimate relations with Horrocks, who is sending him out cheap English emigrants, bound under yearly agreements, at old country rates to work on his farm. Bow Park is, in fact, similar to the den)esne sattached to the royal residences in France — a pare aux urji (serfs). The lord of the manor has also ininners out to watch the arrival of emigrants at Toronto, and entrap the unwary into signing yearly agreements at a low figure. He runs Bow Park " on the European plan." Any of the vassals who neglects to remove his hat on his approach is fined. * Subscription to the Globe i.-> compulsory, whether the victims arc able to read or not. If a degenerate Legislature would only give him au- thority to erect a stocks and whipping post, for the punishment of delinquents, he would b« happy. Even without such authority, he has been known to inflict the torture of the boot, though not in strict accordance with the ancient system. 1x6 POLITICAL EXPERIENCES The boot, in this case, instead of being placed on the leg of the victim, is on that of the operator, and from its formidable dimensions, and his length ef limb, produces eftects similar to a thuuderbolt. The '* Patent Irresistible Kicker for the use of newspaper oftices " aint a circumstance to it. Suoh a machine is quite superfluous in the Qiobe office. Brown was holding an investigation while I was there, to discover which of his serfs had had the au- dacity to communicate to the outside world the work- ings of the *♦ peculiar institution." He has been so busily engaged in this work that he hasn't yet found tiaie to publish a denial of the state- ment. Owing to the inchoate condition of the bill giving Investigating Committees pover to administer oa*^h8 to witnesses, which hasn't yet received the assent of the Governor-General, he cacnot put his vassals on their oaths. So he has been doing all the swearing himself, and the atmosphere in tliat section is, in consequence, as blue and hazy as on a day in Indian summer. I didn't interview Brown, as I knew it was no use approaching him in the humour he was in. JIMUEL BRIGGS, D. B., Graduate of Coboconk University. Toronto, April 30th. Jil 1 1 OF JIMUEL BRIGGS. %Vf LETTER XVIIl. The Doom of Horrocks — Edwards Supersedes Him-— Horrocks Roman Anc> -A Man who didn't want to sec the Circus. Editor Qohoconk Irradiator : AS you are doubtless aware by this time Horrocks has been finally abolished. Edwards had quietly decapitated him and gently glided into the vacancy. v % It was much better than to have a troublesome in- vestigation, which might have been unpleasant for Mo Kellar and the rest. - '^ • • Fortunately, however, there ,von't be any bother in the House over the business. Horrocks, like a true Christian, has cultivated the virtue of resignation, and died with a high-toned old Roman fortitude worthy his classic appelation. An eminent genealogist and philologist has traced his descent from Iloratius Codes, who, according to Macauley, ** kept the bridge in brave days of old." It is considerable of a descent, more so thaa Mowat's celebrated descent from the bench. Horrocks is worthy of his ancestor in some respects. He could keep a bridge or anythinij else that he once got a good hoU ofl ,:; .f >■- :v -a.- ,-.-. '' v. ^•. , xv -:;^ .- .•■::':■,- ii8 POLITICA.L EXPERIENCES He kept Brydjes out of his fare when he travelled on the Grand Trunk, althounh he wasn't able to beat Sir Hugh Allan. There is only one thing, so far as I know, that he cannot keep, which is sober. He has been pretty nearly as successful in keeping emigrants out of Canada as Horatius Codes was in keeping out a lot of emigrants who, under the leader- ship of Lars Porsena of Clusium, wanted to settle in Rome. Horatius saw qiiite a number of them effectually settled, but the rest of ihem seemed to lose interest in the thinj somehow, and went no more a R >ming. Horrocks has made a good many people lose interest — and p:in(:ipal also. He himself has no prinap/e to lose, r-j- - -,.?,. .. : ;■,-"' ^ '. \.y^ '.\ ^' .; Thus does history repeat itself. ., . ; Horrocks, moreover, assumes to be a clergyman, while his ancestor on the other hand was certainly rendered a loy.uim by Macauley. I don't hardly think that McKellar has done the square thing in the business. 'Ihis new departure is going to work adversely to my interests. For somt' time I've been diligently qualifying my- self for appointment by cultivating the same talents which havt? be^^n so cxmsj)icuously disj)layed by Ilor*;? rocks and Wliellams, and now, when 1 have establish- <'F JiMUEL Hk !(;(;«? 119 ed a lecoirl only inferior to theirs, the whole system is changed. This dt'ference to what Scott would call a •* morbid public sentiment," has knocked on the head, (t's mean. I called on McKeliar to remonstrate with I/im about it. . "Well," said I, " I see Edwards abrogated Hor- rocks:*' " No, my dear air," replied McKeliar, " don't run away with a wrong impression. He has resigned." i* Yes, I understand all that," I replied. " But why this inconsistency in a Ministry ,vhicli should rise superior to the gusts of popular passion, and maintain a firm and dignified attitude ? You have gone back on the principles upon which Horrocks and V/hellams were appointed, and upon which I was led to hope for a similar position." '* You see," said he, with a sigh, " that we have to trim our sails sometimes in accordance with public opinion.*' ^^ " Yes, your timber soies, for instance," I replied. •* You have done considerable trimming all along. A fellow never knows whereto find you." '' Well, I'm determined you shall be able to find us in the Government offices at any rate ; that's the main consideration after all, to which all others are tributary. 120 PuLiTlCAL EXPERIENCES **The public ii a patient and much enduring ani- mal, but riorrocks was a little too much for them. That's all I have to say on the subject. Au re- voir. 1} TheiL' is going to b« a circus here to-morrow, aud most of the people are going. I have met one man who ain't though. He is a 0/ubg reporter. He asked me to irrigate my thorax, and as usual I didn't mind. I never do mind on such occasions. " Going to the circus ? '' I enquired, as the barten- der was ehciting the intoxicants. " No," he replied ; " don't care to go." 'Why? It'll be worth seeing. There will be souie surprising exhibitions of gymnastic skill and agility — the most tremendous feats ever witnessed." "Fshaw, that's nothing. It dcn't interest me in the least. I can see Brown's tremendous /^aft every day without it's costing me a cent." JIMUELBRIGGS, D. 13., Graduate of Coboconk University. Toronto, June 5th, 1873. ♦ ■ • -■'^- • mv,«hi,^>^»iis.i^ ^.e^^islKi-,-- ►v**«»J^ ?,r --»'»4-'ins.->«,; ■ I -^^i^lAr-~-'-\.-^^^*^'i^'.Zt . oi' jFMUK[, nnrcjos. 131 LETTER XIX. iflSuy ' Asylum-J.muel Locked Up on Suspicion Editor Coboconh Irradiato : — I took a run up to London this week to recuperate. London is built on a small creek, which they call the River Thames. It is quite a place. There is so much more land about there than in Toronto that they can afford to make the streets ever so much wider. They have the usual crowd of hotel runners and hackmen about the station, and they are as hack -ri- monious as so many Grits. I hadn't disembarked from the cars more than two seconds before a hospitable cuss invited me to tea. He was a coloured BUhopian with a label on his cap. He exclaimed, " Tea—cumsah ?" 'V* Thank you," said I, " I don't mind if I do drop round about six and take a cup of tea with you." ** O, go 'long," ha exclaimed petulantly. I went along till I met acother man. ^ '* 'Riv hare ?" he kindly enquired, *^ Oh, yas," I re- plied, " I've arriv' here." *' Revere Hjuss;' he observed emphatically. , -■■iwimmp M ' i i m f i ii y ii . «*• 122 POLITICAL EXPKPIKNCRS. "* Well, said I, •* tluit depends. There are some houses I could not revere — the Ontario Local House, for instance." He didn't seem lo appreciate my brilliant humour- isms, for be dropped the conversation, and left me to find a hotel myself. I hadn't been lonj^: in London before I met a Grit. 7*here are Grits here, dso. He was leaning against a bar, in a contem'jiative mood. " Beautilul weather,'^ said I. » , ' • ' ** I'll tell you directly ; excuse me a minute," said he, rummaging in his pockets, from which he pioduced a Globe. ' ^' ■':"'-v-„-''^'.': ^'•■■: - He rapidly ran his eye over its columns until he found the item he wanted, read it, and replied in a tone ot deliberation, " Yes, sir, as you say, it is beautiful weather. 1 am sure of it. The G/ode saya 80. You are right." I took a note of that man's name and address. 1 will mention him to Brown. He should be devel- oped. Such implicit and child-like confidence m these days of scepticiim should not waste their sweetness on the desert air. . ; 1 went out to see the Lu.:atic Asylum. I wanted lo see thb swamp selected by Carling as a site, in or- der to bo poited on the iniquities of Tory misgoveru- meiit. i asked the distance. " Well, ' said my informant, OF JIMUEI^ DRIGOS. 123 " it ain't very far. It's about five drinks and a cigar offif you walk, or two drinks if you ride." That's a way they have of measuring distances in London. I rode out. Be sure and spell this right. I mean rod* in a buggy, not rowcil in a canoe. The asyhim is not accessible by water unless you can obtain a craft similar to the steamer out West that will run when there's a heavy dew on the ground. I kept my eyes peeled for the swamp and rode ever so far past it in consequence. Retracing my steps, I found the asylum, but not the swamp. I fear it must be a baseless superstition. Or per- haps it has dried up under the influence of pure Party government. The first man I saw at the asylum was Mathieson, an ex-Bohemian, now the bursar. He ^«r«i into ejacu- lation of satisfaction at seeing me. He introduced me to Dr. Lett, who kindly offered ' to show me through. * ■ The increase of lunacy is something fiiglitful of lute. They are coming in all the time. While I was there a new arrival came, He wore- a downcast expression, and muttered incessantly to hmi- self broken sentences, of which I could ornly catch such expressions as " Sir Hugh Allan " — '* $343,000 " — • '•American capitalists" — ** Bjtray the country" — " Vile and degenerate corruptionists," Ac. " I'll iiiui!i.m 124 POLITICAL iXFERIENOES " Poor man," said I, " what is the cause of his de- rangement ?" •' Ah, it's a melancholy case, " said the doctor. ''Ho has heeu reading the Grit papers and trying to un- derstand the Pacific Railway Scandal. He bore up under the strain wonderfully until Sir Hugh Allan's letters appeared, hut they proved too much for him, and reason was dethroned. If aU political reading is carefully kept out of his way he may recover." The doctor didn't have time to go through with me himself, so he handed me over to two of the attend- ants. " Been in London before ?" said one of them. ** No," I replied, " it's my first visit. Beautiful country around here." *' Yes ; good farming land. The farmers here get quite wealthy." " Indeed," said I. "In that event they put on considerable style, I sup; isc ?" " They do, especiall/ the women folks. You just ought to see how gay some of 'em rig out." " Well, can you tell me what kind of dross would be most appropriate for a wealthy farmer's wiife ?" " No, I don't know." i *' Why, dkgros grain (grow grain) silk, of course." Thus ' by carefully leading up to the subject I ob- tained a chance to get oft a conundrum that had been on mv mini a lonj; time. mi ^k; M, OF JIMUEL BRIGGS. ia5 The men didn^t laugh or even smile. Thsy looked at me pityingly, and whispered to each other. When we had about completed our lour of insoec- tion, one of them said to me. " You'll do the sulphur bath befoie you leave here I suppose ?'' * " Why should I do it when the proprietor's Dfmne/t already," I replied. '« I must be off now, Good afternoon." " Oh, you needn't be In a hurry ; you may just as wel make up your mind to stay," r^-plied one cf them bolting: the door. " What do you mean ?" said I. " Great heavens you cannot intend to detain me. You are mistaken upon my word you are. I'm quite sane, I assure you.' Ask Dr. Lett." V " Oh, yes, they all say the same You can't put that story off on us. YouVe given enough evidence of ^lunaey by your remarks to us, and a nice scrape we'd get into if we were to let you out." " This is an outrage," I exclaimed. " I insist on seeing the doctor or Mr. Mathieson." " They're both gone to town and won't be back till evening, so you may just as iveli make yourself com- fortable." And they locked me up. I was not released for several hours, until the doctor returned and assured mmmm 126 POLITICAL EXPERIEN'CES. my custodians that I was in my senses. Moral — Never make conundrums in u lunatic itsylum. Any numbar of people have been sliut up all 'leir livfis on far slighter evidence of insanity. JIMUEL BBIGGS, D. B., Graduate of Coboconk University. Toronto. July loth. 'iJkN' ' ., >i • •-. % ■ -^-L'ff^Vf, ,;■!■• „--%^ ffi f^^iP nf^;,«<*^ B-*flite»«*iMl#n»«l«U*f' ■■ "il^t^r:;. -. ^lA'.-' ■'^>--«P»' i,. I HI lillB'iiri. GENERAL I mi mmm% & pjublishers ENGHAVERS, STEREGTYPERS, ^ CONTAINING THIi ABLtS OF' ALL CANADIAN RAILWAYS; ifte^iwdpat iatlroai*^ in t\xc Initca MixU iU- Maps of the Principal Lines, > AND INLAND STEAM NAVIGATION ROUTES, TOGElHKk WITH ,^. ,> , General Railway Information, Railway Traffic Returns, and miscellaneous Reading interesting TO THE Traveller. ; %; ^r' A- Carefully con^i piled from Official Source:?, and Published Semi-Monthly. ; for Safe on the Trains. MONTREAL: PUBLISHED BY C. R. CHISHOLM & BROS., 162 St. Jamis STiiEbT. ■* States Agency, New England News Co., Boston, Mass. can Agency, Bradshaw's Guidt: Offices, London and Mancliester. ■- >.!■■ T' 'i. T^^v • ¥. ^ -M.'«j.^,^-« ^ .<4'' It #' Vi ' "'' ^^' (ifs^o order ^" ^" ^Ve« Side, two ,1. ®*'-J vH ''^"'^'"'>'^"' King 8,, '^, *Bv»i»"*'»'ii"«*%*W»'*«"^>'***K»-"»*'« I- • ■ w # 1 TAKEN FROM LIFE OR PHOTOGRAPHS, BY 39 KING ST. WEST, TORONTO. 26 TORONTO STREET, TORONTO Mann-factarcr ofHa>%€«>aLCMtle, Railway, VVar botiM;, Fklibrm, Mm Counm Scales. SCAL^ Ellf*f««l» & MAOE EQUAL TO NEW. Th€§c Scales have taken iS Priies at Pravinc g^hitwaost. also a Diploma from the GovernorG ^^l AUrenn Bost 707, loromtf,, (hn^ mm, ■fi )NTO. 5 ^ONTO, \UES. Lailway, VVaf Scales. TO NEW. at Provinc Governor G JhromtOf (^i