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COLLINS. ■f s'*" n- . .^-^ ., < ■*, .- " iV-. i^V ' ♦'Pl^-' *^^ •■ , '-' '■ . ;. . . , . • ■■:/ / CONTENTS. Dedication Page v Preface xi No. I. Journal of an Actress 17 II. Letter from Cato Mignionette (the coloured ' < * ■ ■ Steward) to Mr. Lavender 25 III. Do. from Captain Haltfront, of the Regiment of Foot, to Lieut. Fugleman 31 IV. Do. from a Midshipman of H. M. S. Lap- wing to an Officer of the Inconstant . 40 V. Do. from John Skinner (Butcher) to Mary Hyde 48 VI. Do. From one of the Society of Friends to her Kinswoman 53 VII. Do. from a New Brunswicker to his Friend at Fredericton 59 VIII. Do. from an Abolitionist to a Member of Parliament 67 IX. Do. from a Cadet of the Great Western to his Mother 79 .. X. Do. from a Lawyer's Clerk 80 XL Do. from aTravellerbefbre he had travelled 84 XII. Do. from a Stoker 91 XIII. Do. from a Stockholder of the Great West- em to the Secretary 96 XIV. Do. from a Servant in search of a place . 103 (3) ■v^.sft^v:.-,,,-, ,^ . iV OOWTEWTS. XV. Letter from a French Passenger to his Friend in London 108 XVI. Do. from an Old Hand 113 XVII. Do. from an American Citizen 117 XVIII. Do. from Elizabeth Figg to John Buggins 124 XIX. Do. from the Son of a Passenger 130 XX. Do. from the Professor of Steam and As- tronomy (otherwise called the Clerk) to the Directors 135 XXI. Do. from Moses Levy to Levi Moses ... . 142 XXII. Do. from a Servant of a Family travelling to Astoria .• . 145 ' XXIII. Misdirected Letter No. 1 — From a Colonist to his Father 151 XXIV. Misdirected Letter No. 2 — From a Colonist to ^ his Brother 154 XXV. Letter from a Loco Foco of New York to a Sympathiser of Vermont 156 XXVI. Do. from a Coachman on the RaiNRoad Line 164 XXVII. Do. from the Wife of a Settler who cannot settle 170 XXVIII. Da from^he Author 180 ■ irflV . > "A, • •■ i-> ^-"^-.■f^^".,_-'.^ ..< V ?'riend 108 ■^ 113 .... 117 ggins 124 130 d As- ::ierk) .... 135 'i .... 142 ■il elling 1 ■i .... 145 i list to 4 .... 151 list to 1 .... 154 'i{ to a . . . . 166 i Road 1 .... 164 m nnot M .... 170 m ... 180 M - . .>'.>^" "W ' ..■■-■ • .V - 'i^wW . 1 ^iJi^ti'v: . ■ .. '•» ■ 1 . iir'?'} 1^ v^r DEDICATION. ■I't-^ TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE LORD JOHN RUSSELL. My Lord : Your Lordship \vill, no doubt, be at a loss to understand how it is, that you have had the honour of this dedication conferred upon you, which you had so little reason to expect ; and, as you have never seen, and probably never heard of, the author, must be con- scious you have done so little to him to deserve ; and it is but reasonable and just that I should explain the mo- tives that actuated me. Dedications are mendacious effusions, we all know ; and honest men begin to be ashamed of them, as reflecting but little honour on the author, or the patron ; but in a work of humour, an avowal of the truth may well find a place, and be classed among the best jokes it contains. I have se- lected your Lordship, then, as my Meciienas ; not on account of your quick perception of the ridiculous, or your powers of humour, but solely on account of the very extensive patronage at your disposal. Your Lord- ship is a colonial minister, and I am a colonial author ; the connexion between us, therefore, in this relation is, so natural, that this work has not only a claim to your protection, but a right to your support. All the world will say that it is in vain for the whig ministry to make I* (v) VI OEDIGATION. protestations of regard for the colonies, when the au- thor of that lively book, " The Letter-Bag of tiie Great Western," remains in obscurity in Nova Scotia, lan- guishing for want of timely patronage ; and posterity, that invariably does justice, (although it is, unfortunately rather too late, always) will pronounce that you failed in your first duty, as protector of colonial literature, if you do not do the pretty upon this occasion. Great men are apt to have short memories ; and it is a com- mon subject of complaint with authors, that they are materially injured by this defect in their organization. Literary men, however, may ascribe much of the dis- appointment they experience, to their own disinge- nuousness. They usually begin by expressing great diffidence of their own talents, and disparaging their own performances, and end by extolling the acquire- ments, the liberality, and the discernment of their pa- trons ; and the latter generally admit the truth of both these propositions, which is all that is required of them, and there the matter ends. I prefer the more straight- forward course of telling the truth ; and so far from de- tracting from the merits of this work, and undervalu- ing myself, I am bold to say, it is quite as good a book, and as safe in its tendencies, as those of a certain fashionable author, who found favour at the hands of your party, and is therefore eminently entitled to your special regard. I have inscribed it to you, accordingly, not for the purpose of paying a compliment to your Lordship, but that you may have an opportunity of paying a very substantial compliment to me. — Like an eastern pre- sent, it is expected that it should be acknowledged by one of still greater value ; and, in order that there may OBDICATIOIf. VII be no mistake, I beg your Lordship to understand dis- tinctly, that its merits are very great, and that the re- turn should be one suitable for your Lordship to give, and me to receive; and not such a one (as the Cana-| dian rebels said to Lord Durham) ** as shall be unwor- thy of us both." Now, my Lord, I had the pleasure of being in England during the coronation, and the high honour of being present at it. I will not say I crossed the Atlantic on purpose, because that would not be true ; but I can safely say, not that I would go twice as far to see another, because that would be treasonable as well as false, but that that magnificent spectacle was well worthy of the toil of going twice as far for the express and sole purpose of witnessing it. The enthusiasm and unanimity of feeling that pervaded all classes of the assembled muhitudes, gave a charm and an influence to that gorgeous ceremony, that neither rank, nor riches, nor numbers can ever bestow. Upon that occasion, the customary honours, promo- tions, medals, ribbons, and royal favours, were distri- buted among those of Her Majesty's subjects who were supposed to be distinguished for their loyalty and de- votion. Few of them, however, have since shown by their conduct, that they were worthy of it. Instead of be- ing overwhelmed with gratitude, as I should have been, had my merits been duly appreciated, these people have filled the country with their lamentations. The i.rmy complains that its rewards are by no means ade- quate to its deserts. The navy proclaims, with a noise resembling that of a speaking-trumpet, that it has not been honoured in an equal manner with the army ; and the I)ast India legions say that the navy and \ viii ' «oum,e„,„„d,,„,;^; ™"We-me I w„h ,hem all no' o„^ did not obui; Zr K' ' "" '=°'°"''" •and. of brave and C LoT Z'''"'''"* "■" "'<"'- ;vere either overlooked?am'^°P'l^-'' <=°""""- They «'ons for that great ev;n, or 1 """""°"' P'^P"™" hausted, before the hand , ha *t,f°'""'"'P''' '^'" «- ha^-way aero,, the AHamt " "^ '"<' '^"''ed --X.ttSd::;7e;r„::'^----»«'a^^^ •houghnowhigmvselfih! , ""•■ «"d, therefore mentation to ATCfause ^ " '" ^^'^"^ ">'» "^Pr^ colonial office, L.TZJoLT" ""' ">«" '""'e ""forn. you of the mis^^t To"t "'" ""^o ^ho will ''•f ahty in those who for I ^ y"" ">« '^"nt of »«'«c«ion of names for ^0^^/' ^"^ '"'^^ "'de the "•^y «o point .0 the ca e :rcerti„°"''' " '' °"'^ "«<=«- extraction. Now these very 'l' .^'r"' °'' colonial appear ,o have forgo„eTlhlTT""j''''8*^ <"■ ««"•« before and already cove^d S.b f^ ^""^ '"'^^''ced ™ore just, then, as welH, H''"'"'"'- Howmuch have been in them, to have wl/r""""' '^o"" it "«« we had effecled our firTt^R^J.''*''^ '«'' »tep, aome of them were app^Lted ,1 ' ""' « "ot all-l' , vmce ; then Ireland • S» ? ^°'"™ ^ *''M' pro- .he colonies, and subs^u ^ jt '° ^'^t ""^ <^' affairs of the nation i„ ,2eHll°nif"''' "'« '".ernal "•d elimate, it never raTns buTit "^ ^" ^o"-- '••'- colonies, as in Egypt, it levei. I ^""' *"« ■" "'« JWT . K never rams at all-even the ■s-.^r" DEDIOATIOir. IX dew is wanting. How many of these honours, my Lord, would these persons have reaped, had their pre- decessors remained colonists; and not shown their sense and foresight, by a timely removal to a country in which the lottery of life contains all these brilliant prizes, instead of a mass of blanks, as with us ! What is the necessary qualification for advancement? Is it talent and industry? Try the paces and bottom of the colonists, my Lord, and you will find they are not wanting. Is it humbug? There arc some most ac- complished and precious humbugs in all the provinces ; men who would do credit to any government, and understand every popular pulsation, and accelerate or retard its motion at will. Is it agitation? The state of Canada shows how successful we are in the exercise of that laudable vocation. Is it maintaining the honours of the national flag ? The most brilliant naval achievement of the American war ; the first that occurred after a series of defeats ; and the last of the same gallant style, was the act of a colonist ; and the Chesapeake was conducted into the harbour of Halifax by a native of the town. Has he ever been rewarded by any of those special marks of favour that distin- guish those peculiarly happy men — the sons of the free- men of a little English corporation ? We aflford a wide field for the patronage of our more fortunate brethren at home ; and Governors, . Admirals, Commissioners, and Secretaries, are first promoted over us, and then rewarded with further pro- motion for the meritorious endurance of a five years* exile among the barbarians. Like a good shepherd, my Lord, open the gate|^ and let down the bars, and permit us to crop some oifipiir \ « '^ X I ; '; • X DEDIOATiair. own pastures, thut good food may thicken our fleeces and cover our ribs; for the moanings and bleating of the flock, as they stretch their heads over the fence that excludes them, and regard with longing looks the rich herbage, is very touching, I assure you. It does not become me, my Lord, to say what I do expect for myself; but if the office of distributor of honours and promotions among colonists, is vacant, as there are no duties to perform, and the place is a sinecure, it would suit me uncommonly well, and afford me leisure to cultivate talents that are extremely rare among the race of officials. Such a step would confer great honour on your Lord- ship, and do me justice. Having committed so great an error as to omit the colonists, on that joyous occa- sion, as if we were aliens, it would show great mag- nanimity to acknowledge it now, and make reparation. This, my Lord, is the object of this dedication ; and if that object be attained, it will then be in my power, should I ever again make my appearance be- fore the public, to have something to extol besides my own book, and another person to laud besides Your Lordship's most obedient . Humble servant, ' '" The Author. Nova Scoru, Nov. 15, 1839. i . - "4. ,i» ■ ^/ ' »• -4 '':-A '■sffW?**^''^^*- 1> J'> -^i^ '■■ «?•. w. r>^VV^:-:.-. , ,j,-»»^( m THE GREAT WESTERN, ;»r No. I. THE JOURNAL OF AN ACTRESS. Dear Laura — Instead of writing you a letter, I send you the leaves of my Atlantic Journal. 22a March. — Every actress that visits America, plays her part in a Journal : why shouldn't poor little me 1 How I loathe that word actress ! it is neartless, inade up, artificial, imitative, a thing without a soul ; but such is life. We call a fool a natural, the more fools we for doing so. My Journal shall at least be mine own — not the utterance of the thoughts of others. Bonneted — band-boxed — packed up — and packed off. Steamed down the river (what an unpoetical word is that steam !) in a small crazy craft, to where our most (read spacious for gracious) queen of the seas, the Great Western, lay to receive us. Nothing can exceed the beauty of the scenery on the river. Pro- digious walls of carboniferous lime-rock (what a beau- tiful Bridgewater-treatise-word that carboniferous is ! 2* (17) ^rV' ; ; i 11 I; ^( 18 THB LBTTER-BAO Or how Greenou^h and Buckland and geological-like it sounds! had it been manufactured at Birmingham it would have been carbony,) rise in precipitous boldness and majestic grandeur, to a height of three hundred feet above the water-mark ; after which, the country, gradually laying aside its armour and emerging from its embattlements, assumes the more pleasing and gen- tle forms of sloping hills, verdant glades,/ and arable fields. *Tis the estate surrounding the Keep, the watch-tower, and the castle ; the warrior within — the peasant and the shepherd without. At one point we passed the site of the intended aerial bridge, a bold conception — too bold and too grand ever to have sprung from the muddy heads of the Cranes and Bitterns of Bristol. A rope waved gracefully across the yawning chasm, so slender and so small as to resemble the silken thread of the spider, who is the first and best of Nature's architects and bridge builders. It was almost an ideal line, it was so tiny. It would have passed for a mathematical one if it had been straight, it was so imaginary ; but slight as it was, it afTorded a secure support for a basket containing two passengers, who were thus conveyed with the rapidity of birds from one of the precipitous banks to the other. It was Ariel and his companion descending on a sun- beam. — It was a pretty idea, and I couldn't help say- ing so, when an American observed — I once hailed a steamboat on the Mississippi and asked the usual ques- tion — " Where are you from 1" to which the skipper replied — " from Heaven." " How did you come from there V* " I greased the seat of my trowsers and slid down on a rainbow !" " What a barbarian !" I cried with vexation — it dashed away at one rude blow all the creations of my fancy. How I hate those Republicans, they are so gross, so unimaginative, so barbarous ! If a ray of light, a spark of divinity ever penetrates their cavernous minds, it is like applying the lamp to the fire-damps of the subterraneous excavations, it ex- THE GREAT WESTERIT. 10 plodes and destroys both. Still my attention was riveted, (I fear that word is shoppy, — I think it is blunting the end of a nail after it is driven in, to pre- vent its extraction — I like etymology, and will ask my brother to-morrow : if it is so, I " transport him for life"J my attention was attracted, I should rather sav, by the sudden stoppage of this little mimic balloon m midway, when a cheer was given from this winged chariot of the sky, and a musKet was discharged, the quick, sharp report of which was echoed and rever- berated for some minutes among the rocks and caverns of this stupendous gorge. When the last sounds faded on our ears, a deafening cheer was returned from our steamer with hearty good will, and we passed on. How animating is this cheer, sp different from the vile clap- ping of hands of the odious theatre ! oh that my ears may never again be profaned by that gas-li^ht, heart- less, unmeaning welcome ! .... Came on board . . . a crowd — a mob — how I hate them — descended into the — what ! — Gracious Heavens into the saloon ! — must we carry with us the very phraseology of the house! — Shall Drury persecute me here! — Shall the vision of the theatre be always present ! oh spare me, I see the spectres of the real saloon of that vile house rise up before me — the gentlemen blackguards — the lady courtezans. I rushed into my cabin, cofTeed, wined, and went to bed sobbings 23d. Bedded all day . . . that word saloon has haunted me ever since .... rose in the evening — ^pet- ticoated, shawled, gloved, and went and took a last look on dear old England, the land of " the brave and free" — oh that word last — the last look, last sigh, last farewell, how it sinks into the heart, how it speaks of death, of disembodied spirits — of the yawning grave. It lets down the strings ; it untunes the mind : I was mourning over it to my brother, I was comparing notes with him, getting at his sensations on that dread- ful word, last ; when that odious American broke in, -■/' I 10 THB LETTER-BAO OF unasked, with his " sentiment " — " Yes, female," said he, beast that he is, why did he not say " she one" at once ? It is more animal like, more beautified even than his expression — " Yes, female, I say damn the last too, as the shoemaker did when he tried to straighten himself up, after having worked upon it all day." I thought of dear Lord B., hovv he would have expired, exhaled, evaporated at such an illustration, and then I sighed that 1 had seen him too for the last time. 24th. Furious gale — the spirit of the great deep is unchained, and is raging in furious strides over the world of waters. The mountains rise up to impede him, and the valleys yawn at his feet to receive him. The ocean heaves beneath his footsteps, and the clouds fly in terror from his presence, the lightning gleams with demoniac flashes to illumine his terrific visage, and the thunder is the intonation of his voice. Sheeted, blanketed, and quilted, I remain enveloped in the dra- pery of my bed, my thoughts looking back into the past, and timidly adventuring to peep into the future, for some green spot (oh that dreadful theatre, I had nearly written Green Room) to pitch its tent upon, to stretch itself out by the cool fountain and — luxuriate. 25th. The tempest is past, but we heave and pitch and roll like a drunken thing, groaning, strainhig, creaking. — The paroxysm is past, but the palpitations have not subsided ; the fit is over, but the muscular contractions still continue. — It is the heaving chest, the convulsed breath, the pulsations that remain after the storm of the passions has passed away. 26th. Rose, toileted and went on deck : what a lovely sight ! The sea lay like a mirror, reflecting the heavens on its smooth and polished surface. — Light clouds far away in the horizon look like the snow-capt summits of the everlasting hills, placed there to confine this sea of molten glass within its own dominion, while distant vessels with their spiral masts and silvery drapery rise from its surface, like spirits of the deep, come to , female/' said " she one" at beautified even r damn the last d to straighten it all day." I I have expired, on, and then I st time. great deep is 'ides over the up to impede o receive him. and the clouds htning gleams terrific visage, ice. Sheeted, )ed in the dra- back into the ito the future, heatre, I had tent upon, to I — luxuriate. ve THB GREAT WBSTERIT. 21 ^S and pitch straining, palpitations he muscular ing chest, the lain after the ivhat a lovely the heavens It clouds far apt summits ifine this sea vhile distant 3ry drapery ep, come to •tm n look upon and woo the gentle Zephyrs. — Sea-nymphs spreading their wings and disporting on their liquid meadows after their recent terror and affright. They seem like ideal beings — thoughts traversing the mind — shadows or rather bright lights — emanations perhaps, rather than self-existences — immaterialities-r-essences —spirits in the moonlight. — Wrote journal — mended a pair of silk stockings, hemmed a pocket-handkerchief, night-capped and went to bed — to dream — to idealize — to build aerial castles, to get the hysterics, and to sleep. • 27th. Altered my petticoats, added two inches for Boston puritans and Philadelphia quakers, took off two for the fashionables of New V ork, three for Baltimore, and made kilts of them for New Orleans. — Asked Steward for books: he brought me " the life of corporal Jabish Fish, a hero of the American revolution, in five volumes," put it in my journal, a good story for Lord W , who is a hero — chattered — sung and germ.in- ized with General T (not conversed, for no Ameri- can converses, he proses, sermonises or pamphleteers). — ToddyM, poor dear Sir A taught me that, and I wish he were here to " brew " for me now, as he used to call it — There certainly is inspiration in whis- key, and when temperance opened the door, poetry took flight, and winged its way to heaven. It is no longer an inhabitant of earth — ah me, we shall hold high con- verse with angel spirits no more. It is all Brummagem now — all cheap and dirty like its coaches — Bah ! 28th. General T says, he is glad I did not marry before I left England, for Vestris doing so was taken as a quiz on the starched Yankees. — Mem, wont marry on board, and if I take a republican may the devil take me without salt, as the Marquis of W says — I wish I were a man, an Englishman though, for men choose, women are chosen — to select is better than to be selected, which is bazaar-like. — ^What's the price of that pretty bauble? — Ah, I like it, send it home, play 99 THE LETTER-BAO OF i vrith it, ^et tired, throw it aside, no harm in that, to be scorned is nothing, it is pleasant to scorn back again, but to be supplanted, ah, there is the rub. I have a head-ache; the billow for my pillow, I will be a, child again and be rocked to sleep. 29th. A shout on deck, all hands rushed up, what a strange perversion of terms is this. It is a waterspout : how awful ! The thirsty cloud stooping to invigorate itself with a draught of the sea; opening its huse mouth and drinking, yet not even deigning to wait for it, but gulping it as it goes — we fire into it and it vanishes, its watery load is returned, and 'like the baseless fabric of a vision, it leaves no wreck behind.' —It is one of * the wonders of the great deep.* That rude shock has dispelled it. Thus is it in life. The sensitive mind releases its grasp of the ideal, when it comes in contact with grossness. It shrinks within it- self. It retreats in terror. Yet what a wonderful sight it is ! how nearly were we engulphed, swallowed up, and carried into the sky to be broken to pieces in our fall, as the sea-mew feeds on the shell-fish by dash- ing it to pieces on a rock. — Oh that vile American! he too has imitated the scene : he has broken my train of thought by his literal and grovelling remark. " Well I vow, female, what an everlastin' noise it lets off its water with !" I wonder if they hiss in America : surely not, for if they did such fellows as this would learn better manners — wrote journal — frenchified my frock to please the New Yorkers — unbooted — unstay'd, and snuggled up like a kitten in bed. 30th. Sat on the deck, sad and musing. Dropt some pieces of paper overboard — wondered whither they went. Will they wander many days on the water, and then sink 1 Thought of my journal ; it would be like them, a little scrap on the great sea of literature, floating its brief day ; and then, alas ! sinking to rise no more. Saturated, its light pages will float no longer, but be. consigned, like them, to an early grave; but I m '■% THE GREAT WCSTERTT. 23 n in that, to be rn back again, ub. I have a M'ill be a. child ed up, what a I a waterspout : to invigorate pning its huse ing to wait for into it and it and 'like the vreck behind.' t deep.' That ; in life. The ideal, when it •inks within it- ; a wonderful ed, swallowed n to pieces in 11-fish by dash- " merican ! he n my train of ark. " Well it lets off its lerica : surely would learn ed my frock instay'd, and limg. Dropt red whither n the water, it would be f literature, iking to rise lat no longer, rave; but I have had my day, which is morf^ than every * female,' as the Americans call us, has had ; »nd who knows but my book may be as well received f — Bah ! how I loatho that theatrical expression ! as popular — that, too, smells of the shop ; ah ! I have it — as much the ton — howso- ever. 31st. Pottered on deck all day, with General T. and my brother. The former talked of the prairies, till I dreamed all night of the fat bulls of Bashan, and the buffaloes of the plain. 1st April. General T. advises me not to take my servant to the table, as it is said Mrs. Matthews did at Saratoga; for so far from these republicans liking equality, they are the most aristocratic people in the world. What a puzzle is man ! Poor dear Lord Czar, with all his radical notions, is the proudest " of his order" of any peer of the realm. Indeed, pride is the root of all democracy. Show me a tory, and I will show you a rational lover of freedom ; show me a radical, and I will show you a tyrant. If the Ameri- cans boast so much of their equality, as to exclude from their vocabulary the word ♦ servant,' and substi- tute that of * help,' why should they object to those * helps,' helping them to eat their dinners ? It passes the understanding of poor little me — how I wish some one would explain all things to me ! 2d. My brother was so-so, to-day, after dinner ; but wine makes him brilliant and witty — and why should I be ashamed to note it ? It was the sons, and not the sisters of Noah (merry old soul) that walked back- wards and covered him, when he was too oblivious with the juice of the grape, to recollect such vulgar things as clothes. — Read, Italianed — stitched a new chemisette. 3d. How this glorious steamer wallops, and gallops, and flounders along ! she goes it like mad. Its motion is unlike that of any living thing I know ; puffing like a porpoise, breasting the waves like a sea-horse, and -^ V. 24 THE LETTER-BAG OF at times skimming the surface like a bird. It possesses the joint powers of the tenants of the air, land, and water, and is superior to them all. All night we had a glorious, splendent, silvery moon. The stars were bright, though feeble, hiding their diminished heads be- fore their queen, enthroned in all her majesty. What an assemblage of the heavenly hosts ! — how grand — how sublime ! It is a chaste beauty is the moon, beau- tiful, but cold ; inspiring respect, admiration, and so on, buf; not love — not breathing of passion. It is a melan- choly feeling that it raises in the beholder ; like a pale Grecian face, that calls up emotions of tenderness, but no ardour; and excites interest, but not transport. Which is the best, the inflammatory sun, or the chilly moon 1 — midway, perhaps, " in medio tutissimus ibis," as dear Lord B. used to say, whenever he threaded my needle for me. 1 will potter with General T. about it. Ke looks moon-struck, himself. Tead, suppered, champaned, tidied myself for bed, and, I fear, snored. 4th. How I hate the saloon! I will join the Yan- kees, and spit upon it. How vulgar are all these gaudy decorations of a steamer ! Why should we pander to the bad taste of a mob for filthy lucre — why not lead instead of following — dictate, instead of submitting'? Are we, too, become democratic ; and must the voice of the majority rule. Oh for an hour of that dear little villa of Lord B.'s ! what taste, what fitness of things to purposes, what refinement, what delicacy — oh, for a snuff of its classic air — for half a yard of its Parnassian sky ! How he would be annihilated by a voyage in this boat — howsoever. 5th. A dies non, as the new Judge used to call it when non se ipse. 6lh and 7th. Ditto, as the shop-keepers say. 8th and 9th. The same as yesterday, as the doctors say. 10th and 11th. No better, as the bulletins say. nu| lo^ tvvj onl ba coi ■.;i ».. a I. It possesses air, land, and [ night we had rhe stars were shed heads be- lajesty. What —how grand — he moon, beau- tion, and so on, It is a melan- er ; like a pale tenderness, but not transport. n, or the chilly utissimus ibis," r he threaded jneral T. about ead, suppered, I fear, snored. join the Yan- all these gaudy we pander to why not lead f submitting? ust the voice of that dear at fitness of t delicacy — a yard of its ihilated by a led to call it say. Is the doctors THE GREAT WESTERW. U is say. 12th and 13th. As well as can be expected, as the ; nurses say. ■' 14th. I was asked to-day if ever I had been in love — I know not — what is Love 1 The attraction of two etherial spirits — sympathy — but these spirits are only seen through mortal coil. The worm feeds and battens where love has revelled. Can we love what corruption claims as its own? Do we not mistake natural impulses for this divine feeling ? What a pity Love clogs his wings with sweets, becomes sated — tired — soured. Platonic love is nearer perfection — it has more reason and less passion, more sentiment and less grossness. To love is to worship — with my body I thee worship — but that is not love, it is desire — with my soul I tfiee worship — but that is idolatry. If we .worship with neither body nor soul, what is love? 'i Lips ! can it reside in them ? the breath may be bad — the teeth unsound — the skin erysipelatous. Bah ! Love : a leper? What is Love then? It is a phantom of the I mind — an hallucination — an ignis fatuus, Will-of-the- Wisp. Touch it, and it dissolves — embrace it, and a ■ shadow fills your arms — speak, and it vanishes. Alas, Love is not ! Howsoever — went to bed — wept for vexation like a child, and when wearied with sobbing, slept. 15th. Land ahead — a strange land too — yes, though they speak English, a foreign land — the domain of the ■ rebellious Son who mutinied and fought his parent. Can, I ask myself, can a blessing attend such an un- natural attempt — nous verrons. The pilot is on board : what are the first questions? the price of cotton and tobacco. They are traders — are the Yankees; and I hate trade, its contracted notions and petty details. I think I see Lord B. turn in scorn from the colloquy,* his fine aristocratic face expressive of intellectual con- tempt at such sordid calculations. Would that hft were here, that we might retire to the cabin and have a reading of Shakspeare together, drink at the in- 3 26 THE LETTER-BAO OF spired fount, and philosophise on men and things ; but alas, he is gone where all must go ! and I have gone where none would wish to go ! Poor little me ! Thus endeth the last day of the steamer. Yours always, Mary Cooke. ' 1 No. II. LETTER FROM CATO MIGNIONETTE (THE COLOURED STEWARD) TO MR. LAVENDER. My dear Labender — Since I ab de pleasure to see you on board de Lady Jackson liner, I leave de line myself, and now is on bord de Great Western steam-boat, ob which I ab de command. You ab seen Fourth-July-day, Mr. La- bender ; well, he no touch to it : and you ab seen de great New York mob to pull down coloured people's housen ; well, dat not noting to it needer : and you ab see de great fire ; well, de crowd dere not fit to hold a candle to it. Oh ! you neber ! but I tell you more by and by. We hab one bunder and ten passenger, big and lee- tle, and some damn big ones dere is too, which is more dan one steward can provide for ginteelly ; and my servants do gib me werry great trouble, so dey do. First I hab all English ; well, de English werry stupid, werry sarcy, and lazy as de debil : you can't beat no- ting into dere dam tick heads, and dey is too eavy heeled for servants; so I jist discharge em all: I wouldn't ab dem if dey work for noting, de great good 1 THE GREAT WESTERN. 27 i and things ; but and I have gone r little me ! Thus ays, Mary Cooke. IE COLOURED ENDER. kou on board de yself, and now is t, ob which I ab jly-day, Mr. La- you ab seen de coloured people's er : and you ab not fit to hold a ell you more by per, big and lee- which is more iteelly ; and my ^ble, so dey do. ^h worry stupid, can't beat no- ley is too eavy irge em all: I de great good for noting lubbers ; and I ire coloured people in dere plaice. Dey werry much more better den de trash ob whites ; but still dey no please me, for I neber like to see de grass grow under de feet ob de waiters, and dere is too many for me to look arter all alone myself. De Captain he man-o'-war buccra, and dey is all cussed stiff, and most too big men fore dere breeches ; and when he walky de deck, he only see de stars and de sun; he no see de ship an de passenger, but leab all to me, which give me an everlastin sight ob trouble. He ought to come and help me at de bar hissef, so he had ought ; but he too proud for dat, and so is all dem what has de swab on de shoulder, — and proper hard bargain de queen hab of some of dem too, I tell you, Mr. Labender. By Golly ! but I most wore out, and dat is de truth. Steward here, and steward dere, and steward ebery where ! Well, I say, * coming, sar !' but I takes care neber to come to none at all, and when dey is tired ob calling dey come ob demselves to me, and find out to de last it would be ebery bit as good for em to hab com at first and sobe dere wind to cool dere soup wid. But I makes sception ob de Ladies, de dear critturs : I do lub em, and likes to tend on em, dey is so helpless, poor tings. But one ting I must say, and dat is, de white ladies do lub werry stiff grog, werry stiff, indeed, Mr. Labender: you ab no notion ob it, no more den a child. * Steward, a leetle weak, werry leetle weak brandy and water; but mind and let him be werry weak.' Yes marm, I say, and away I goes to mix it. Poor leetle tings, I knows werry well what werry weak means ; it means half and half, jist as I likes him mysef. Well, when I takes it to de lady, she makes a face like de cabbage-leaf, all puck- ery, puckery, wrinkely, wrinkely; and arter eber so leetle ob a swig at it, she gibs him back agin to me : * Oh ! steward !' she say, * how could yaw ! dat is too trong ; put in a leetle drop more water, dat is a good steward.' Well, I knows what dat means, too ; so I 28 THE LETTER-BAG OF 'I f ' goes back and puts in one glass brandy more, and two lumps ob de sugar more, and stir him up well wid de spoon, and gib him a Icetle nutmeg for de flavour : try dat, marm, I say ; see how you like him ; I most fear he too weak now. * No, steward,' she say, and she smile werry sweet, de leetle dear ; ♦ dat will do werry well, now ; dat jist right, now. Always take care to mix my brandy and water weak, for I isn't used to him trong, and he gets into my head.' Yes, marm, I say ; now 1 knows your gage, I fit you exacaly to a T, marm. De dear leelle crilturs, de grog he do warm em hearts, and brighten de eye, and make him werry good natured. I knows dat by mysef ; I always feels better for de stiff glass ob grog. Poor leetle tings, but dey do like him werry stiff, werry stiff, indeed ; it is actilly astonishin how stiff dey do takes him. As to de men passengers, I always let him shift for demselves, for dere isn't werry few ob dem is real su- perfine gentlemen, but jist refidge a leetle warnished ober de surface, like all pretence. Dey all make him believe dat dey know wine ; when, dam em, dere isn't hardly none ob em know him by name even. One buc- cra says, • Steward, I can't drink dis wine ; it is werry poor stuff. What de debil do you mean by gibbin me sich trash as dis ? he no fit to drink at all : change him direcaly, and gib me some dat is fit for a gentleman.' Well, I takes up de wine, and looks at him werry knowin, and den whisper in his ear, not to speak so loud, lest ebery body hear ; and I put de finger on my nose, and nods; and I goes and brings him anoder bottle ob de werry identical same wine, and he taste him, smack his lip, and say, * Ah ! dat is de wine, stew- ard ! Always bring me dat wine, and I remember you when I leab de ship.' Hush ! I say, massa ; not so loud, sir, if you please, for dere is only a werry few bottles ob dat are wine, and I keep him for you ; for I sees you knows de good wine when you sees him, which is more nor most gentlemen does. Dey is cus- n THE GREAT WESTERN. 29 more, and two up well wid de le flavour : try n ; I most fear say, and she will do werry s take care to isn't used to Yes, marm, I exacaly to a »g he do warm ike him werry I always feels eetle tings, but *, indeed ; it is him. ; him shift for lem is real su- btle warnished all make him em, dere isn't en. One buc- ; it is werry )y gibbin me change him gentleman.' him werry to speak so finger on my him anoder nd he taste wine, stew- member you ssa ; not so werry few r you ; for I u sees him, Dey is cus- i ■>;♦ if sed stupid is, dem whites, and werry conceited, too, Mr. Labender; but dere is noting like lettin him hab his own way. Den dey all speak different language. One man is Frenchman: well, he calls steam-boat, " bad toe :" de German, he call him, " dam-shift-fard." One calls a plate, '• as yet ;" anoder name him, " skelp eye ;" and de tird man call him, " taller ;" and de fort say, "platter;" and ebery one amost hab a different word for him. Dere is no makin head or tail ob em, no how : I don't try no more now at all — I only gib de head a shake, and pass on. We hab got too many masters, here, Mr. Labender, a great deal too many. Now, when I was been in de line packet, sir, and want um pitcher, I go captain, and say. Captain, I want um pitcher, and he say wer- ry well, Mr. Mignionette, (he neber call me steward, like de sarcy, proud man-o-war buccras do) werry well, Mr. Mignionette, den buy um ; and I buys um for one dollar, and charge him one dollar and half — de half dollar for de trouble, and leetle enough it is, too ; for crockery he werry brittle — so far, so good. Now when I has occasion, I go captain, and say, I want um pitcher, sir. Werry well, steward, he say, make a re- port in writing. Den I goes and makes a report for pitcher in writing for de skipper ; and skipper he makes anoder report to de great captain in Bristol ; and dat captain, he call togeder de great big directors — plaguy rich men they is, too, I tell you, and he read my report to de skipper, and skipper report to him, and dey all make speeches round de table, as they does in congress, and if dey is in good humour it is voted — yes, I ab him. Den captain he send for clerk, and clerk he issue order for pitcher to some dam white feller or anoder, to Bristol, who send me one worth a dollar, and charge um boat two dollar for him. Well, company lose half dollar, I lose half dollar, and all lose a great deal of time. Werry bad derangement dat, sir, werry bad, indeed ; for dere is too much cheenery in it to work 3* ■m 30 THB LETTER-BAG OF ■well. By-and-by dey find out too many cooks spoil de broth, or else I knows noting — dats all. Den dey holds me sponsible for all de plate, which is not fair, by no manner o means at all, is such a mob of scaly whites as we ab on board ; and where ebery man is taken what pays passage ; and sometimes dem white fellers is no better nor him should be, I tell you. Toder day 1 sell some small ting to de outlandish jew, who no speak werry good English ; and I goes into his cabin, and I say, come, massa, I say, our voyage ober now; him pilot on board, so you fork out, massa, if you please. Well, he stared like a shy horse — what dat you say 1 says he. You fork out, now, massa, I say. Den he goes round, and he bolt de door ; and den he say, I give you one sovereign, steward, if you no mention it. Oh ! I say, I neber mention him, massa, neber fear, and I is werry much ob'iged to you, sir, werry much indeed. Den he say, here is de foirks, and he gives me back three silver forks. I tookt um by mistake, he say, and I hope you no mention him. On, ho ! says I to myself, is dat de way de cat jumps now ; I see how de land lay — I come jew over you, my boy — my turn come now. Four sovereigns more, massa, and steward he keep mum ; and if you no pay de money, I go bring captain, passenger, and ebery one. Well, him sovereign break him heart amost, but he shell him out, for all dat, afore I go ; one — two — three — four — five sovereigns. All's right now, massa, I say ; dat is what I calls *• forking out." Jist as I turns for to goe, he say, how you know I ab um, steward — any body tell you? Oh, massa, I say, I know de tief so far as I see him. When I clap eyes on you fust, by gosh I know you for one ob dem dam rascals — no mistake, massa; face neber tell um lie — he always speaky de truth. I hab to keep my eyes about me all de time, Mr. Labender, I tell you ; and de command of dis ship is too great fatigue for one man ; dey must give nie some officers under me, or I resign my place. ^. I m THE GREAT WESTERIT. 31 { cooks spoil de de plate, which , is such a mob id where ebery sometimes dem 1 be, I tell you. outlandish jew, nd I goes into ay, our voyage fork out, massa, ly horse — what now, massa, I de door; and steward, if you :ion him, massa, ;ed to you, sir, is de for-ks, and I tookt um by ntion him. Oh, ;at jumps now ; r you, my boy s more, massa, ou no pay de nd ebery one. amost, but he e — two — three ow, massa, I Jist as I turns m, steward — know de tief n you fust, by rascals — no e — he always about me all de command an ; dey must ign my place> and throw him up, and return to de line again, which is more selecter and better company as steamboats has. Please to ab de goodness to make my respects to _^,, Miss Labender, and to all de young ladies to home, ^^ who, I hopes to have de happiness to see in good health I and spirits, when I ab opportunity to wisit dem, which ^ appears worry long indeed since I hab — almost an age. f I take de liberty to send a pair of most superfine stock- lings, of de flesh-colour silk, of de newest fashion, for I each of de young ladies, which I hope dey will do flme de honour to wear in remembrance of me ; and pnow I be, I My dear Labender, Your most obedient help, CaTO MlGNlONETTB. "is No. III. ^ - LETTER ». FROM CAPTAIN HALTFRONT, OF THE REGIMENT OF FOOT, TO LT. FUGLEMAN. My Dear Fugleman — You will naturally enquire how I like the Great Western, the speed and splendour of which has been the theme of every newspaper, for the last year, and ■will, perhaps, be somewhat surprised to read the ac- count I am now about to give you. I own that I fear my narrative will appear to you as the production of a disordered mind, the effusion of low spirits, and an irritable disposition ; and that you will regard me as the voluntary victim of a morbid sensibility. I wish, 32 THE LETTER-BAG OF for my own sake, that this were the case, and that the day might arrive when I could look back upon the de- gradation and misery I have recently endured, as only imaginary. But, alas ! my dear fellow, it is no phan- tom of the brain, but a sad reality — reality do 1 say, it falls far, very far short of the reality which no words can paint — no pen describe. There are some things connected with the Great Weste ,vhich, I am aware, affect people differently, who are placed under different circumstances from each other. For instance, steam- navigation may be all very well for those whose ob- ject is business ; but mine happens to be pleasure ; or, for those who are in a hurry, which I am not ; or, for such as considering time to be money, are desirous of economising it ; but I wish to spend both, and to spend them agreeably. To me, therefore, to whom none of these considerations apply, it is an unmitigated evil. My first disappointment, and one which gave me an early intimation of much of the misfortune that was in store for me, was not enjoying as I had hoped, from the pa nent of forty-two sovereigns, the exclusive oc- cupation of my state room. This is indispensable, I will not say to comfort, but to common decency. I have the honour and pleasure of having a most delecta- ble chum, who, besides many minor accomplishments, chews tobacco, spits furiously, talks through his nose, and snores like a Newfoundland dog. Many of his habits are too offensive even to mention, and you may therefore easily imagine what the endurance of them for twenty-two days must have been. He constantly uses my towels instead of his own. Whenever he brushes his hair (which I believe he never dressed be- fore) he uses my clothes-brush, and I am compelled to refrain from that appropriated to my teeth, under an apprehension that it has suffered a similar contamina- tion. He is dreadfully sea-sick, and he is either too indolent or too ignorant to make use of the ordinary appliances. His boots are made of villanous leather, 4 ini lil t THE GREAT WESTERN. 33 3C, and that the ;k upon the de- idured, as only , it is no phan- ality do 1 say, vhich no words re some things ;h, I am aware, under different nstance, steam- lose whose ob- e pleasure ; or, am not ; or, for are desirous of h, and to spend whom none of litigated evil. I'hich gave me ortune that was lad hoped, from e exclusive oc- indispcnsable, I m decency. I a most delecta- complishments, rough his nose. Many of his , and you may irance of them He constantly Whenever he '^er dressed be- 1 compelled to ;eth, under an ar contamina- e is either too the ordinary nous leather, ind actually poison me; and to add to my distress, he Invariably draws back his curtain that he may amuse limself by inspecting, at his leisure, the process of ny toilette. Bad as the air of my room is, I cannot venture at night to open my cabin-door, for the pur- pose of ventilation ; for the black servants sleep on the floor of the saloon, and the effluvia is worse than that )f a slaver. Driven from my dormitory at daylight, resort to the poop-deck, to enjoy a little fresh air, )ut here I am met by a host of snobs and foreigners, ^ho smoke incessantly. Stifled by the fumes of to- )acco, which I never could endure even when well And ashore, I am soon compelled, in order to save my Mfe, to dive again into the saloon. In the descent, I pnd myself involved in the eddies and whirlpools of a lob of some hundred and twenty passengers, hurry- ig to breakfast, where cold tea, hard biscuits, greasy )ast, stale eggs, and mountains of cold meat, the in- lervening valleys of which are decorated with beef- |teaks floating in grease, await me to tempt my deli- neate appetite. Waiters, who never wait, and servants, s^vho order every thing, and though deaf, are never Jumb, fly from one end of the saloon to the other in tjrrific haste, that threatens to overturn every one that appens unfortunately to be in their way. Vociferous claims for attendance that is never given, and the still ;,|ouder response of "coming sir," from him that never *|^omes, the clatter of many dishes, the confusion of liany tongues, the explosion of soda bottles, the rattle M knives and forks, the uproarious laugh, the ferocious Ifath, the deep-toned voice of the steward, and the fhrill, discordant notes of the mulatto women, create a lonfusion that no head can stand and no pen describe. It is absolutely appalling. The onslaught, however, is soon over, the carnage ceases, and the hosts retire ; yf4)Ut what a rabble rout — hurry scurry, pell mell, helter ypkelter, to secure priority, to book yourself for — ^but I ^annot go on — it cannot be named. Distressed, de- mi^. I «f ¥\ 34 THE LETTER-BAG OF jected and ill, I return to the vacant saloon, when lo I two Africans, each bearing immense piles of plates, commence dealing them out like experienced whist players, and with a rapidity that is perfectly astonish- ing. These are followed by two others, who pitch, by a sleisht of hand, the knives and forks into their respec- tive places, like quoits, and with equal accuracy. It is preparation for lunch — the gong sounds, and the stream of passengers pours down the hatch-way again, with a rush similar to that of shipping a sea. The wave rolls fore and aft, and then surges heavily from one side to the other, and finding its level, gradually subsides into something like a uniform surface. All have now found their places, save a lady immoveal iy nailed to the wall by a mulatto girl, in an unsuccess- ful attempt to pass in the narrow gangway. The struggle to disengage themselves is desperate, but in- effectual, until fifty people rise, and by displacing the table, give room for a passage. What a nosegay for the bosom of an emancipating Jamaica Viceroy! a white rose budded on a black one — oh, th? very odours exhaled by that sable beauty, suffocate me even at j this distance of time ! Now rise the mingled voices, the confused sounds, the din of corks, glasses, and plates, but louder than before, for wine exhilarates; and those who were unable to rise to breakfast, have succeeded to join the party at lunch. Again the flock rises on the wing, and takes flight with a noise compounded of the chattering of magpies and the cawing of rooks — the fragments are gathered, and the ground cleared of the refuse of the repast. I will enjoy this respite — I will while away the time with a book, and withdraw my mind from the contemplation of my misery ; but alas ! the same earthen-ware gam- blers appear again, to exhibit their tricks of plates, in preparation for dinner. I once more, reluctantly, mount the deck with uneasy and unsteady steps, where, after executing a variety of rapid evolutions on its ;*i fA M THC GREAT WESTERIT. 35 saloon, when lo t d piles of plates, xperienced whist erfectly astonish- rs, who pitch, by into their respec- al accuracy. It sounds, and the hatch-way again, »ing a sea. The •ges heavily from 3 level, gradually rm surface. All lady immoveally in an unsuccess- gangway. The desperate, but in- by displacing the liat a nosegay for aica Viceroy! a i, tb^ very odours 3a te me even at mingled voices, rks, glasses, and ine exhilarates; breakfast, have ch. Again the ht with a noise agpies and the e gathered, and e repast. I will the time with a e contemplation then-ware gam- cks of plates, in re, relcictantly, dy steps, where, volutions on its preasy surface, rendered still more treacherous by ragments of orange-peel, I fall, heavily tripped by )me kind protruding foot, and am dreadfully cut in my ice and hands by angular nut-shells, which are scat- jred about with the same liberality as the rind of the range. Shouts of laughter solace me for my misfor- me, and coarse jokes in English, German, French, id Yankee, assail me in all quarters. There is but le alternative — I will retire to my den, miscalled a ^ate-room ; but alas ! my amiable chum has used my isin — my towel is floating on it, as in pity to my suf- rings to hide its contents — and the ewer is empty. |ow are these evils to be remedied 1 the noise of the iloon is too great for my feeble voice to be heard — le servants are too busy to attend — and I am too ^eak to assist myself. But what will not time, pa- jnce, and good-nature effect ? I have succeeded at |st — rny wounds are covered with plasters, my toi- [tte effected — and lo! the gong again sounds — the irpies again assemble — and the same scene ensues lat was presented at breakfast and lunch. But ah me! what a meal is the dinner! It is 'scabies scupat extremum,' or the devil take the hindmost. I )k around the table to see if there is anything I can lit. There is a dish which I think I can try. I cast imploring look upon the steward and another upon |e dish, or rather on the spot where it stood, for it is >ne, fled to another table and returned no more. I lust try again. There are fowls. — A wing with a fee of ham, I think, I might venture upon, but alas ! who carves exclusively for himself and his party, |is removed the wings and every other delicate part, ipd sends me the dish and the skeletons to help myself. ]| examine the table again, and again decide to make Htn effort to eat, but the dinner is gone and the dessert 'jias supplied its place. Who are these fellow-passengers of mine ? are they )ortsmen ? has the word ♦ course' awakened the idea 86 THE LRTTBR-BAO OF ^^1 f of a race, and do they eat for a wager, or are they marketing and anxious to get the value of their money? Have they ever drunk wine before, that they call that port-wine and water hock, or that sour goose-berry champaigne ? or do they ever expect to drink again, that they call for it so often and so eagerly? I will now enjoy a little quiet — I will enter into conversation with my neighbours; but who shall I talk to? That old married couple annoy me by showing their yellow teeth and snarling, and that new married couple dis- gust me by their toying. I cannot speak Spanish, and that German understands neither English nor French. There is no conversation : the progress of the Ship- Niagara — machinery, and the price of cotton and to- bacco, are the only topics ; or if these standard tunes admit of variation, it is an offer of a Polish Jew to ex- change a musical snuff-box for your watch, or to cheat you m a bet on a subject that admits of no doubt. I will follow Miss Martineau's advice, I will try to dis- cover * the way to observe,' I will study character. — What again Mr. Dealer in delfts ! is there no respite for the teeth, no time for digestion? Is eating and drinking the only business of life ? — Clearing the table for tea, Sir — It is tea time — You will find it pleasanter on deck. Oh that deck, that treacherous deck! the very thoughts of it, and its orange-peel, pulverized glass and broken nut-shells, make my wounds bleed afresh. But I will be more careful, I will take heed to my ways, I will backslide no more, nor prostrate my- self again before the multitude : I will ascend and look that I fall not. But hark ! who is that unfortunate be- ing, whose last agonizing shriek has thrilled me with horror, and who those hardened wretches that exult in his pain? Whence that deafening cheer, that clapping of hands, that uproarious stamping of feet ? Is death itself become a subject of merriment, and are the last fearful moments of life a fitting occasion for laughter ? It is a German, who, merely because he is a German, *.. TUB GREAT WESTERW. Vv must forsooth be able to sing, and it is his screanning, that is delighting the mob and calling forth these reiterated plaudits. — How brutal is ignorance, how disgusting is vulgar prclen ion I but far above all these human voices rises that inhuman sound of the gon^, again, and summons this voracious multitude to their fourth meal. The herd is again possessed with the un- clean spirit, and rushing violently down the precipitous descent, is soon lost in the vasty depths below. I will not follow them, but availing myselt of the open space they have deserted, avoid at the same time the to- bacco and its accompaniments on deck, and the noise and gluttony of the cabin, and enjoy for once the luxury of solitude. My strength however is uneoual to the exposure — the night air is too cold, and the sea too rough for my emaciated body. Though revived, I am becoming chilled and suffer from the spray, which now falls heavily. The sound of the last plate has died away, and I must retreat to avoid these repeated shower-baths. Whist, loo, chess, drafts and back- gammon have fortunately produced a comparative quiet ; but how is this ? I shall faint — the heat is dread- ful — the oppression perfectly intolerable. Fifty voices exclaim at once, the sky-light ! open the sky-light ! death or the sky-light ! — It is opened, and ere the cool breeze ventilates the tainted atmosphere, sixty voices are heard vociferating : It flares the candles ! it puts out the lights ! the draught on the head is insupportable. No two can agree in opinion, and the confusion is in- describable. I take no interest in the dispute ; fainting or freezing is alike to me. I shall die, and die so soon, that the choice of mode is not worth considering. Heat or cold, or both in aguish succession — any thing, in short, is better than noise. I hope, now, at all events, that the eating for the day is past. Steward, come hither, steward — 4 nf w i h 38 THE LETTER-BAG OF Bring it directly, sir — Nay — I called not for any thing ; but come here, I wish to speak to you. Have it in a moment, sir — I am waiting on a gen- tieman. » It is useless, I will enquire of my neighbour. Pray, sir, (and tremble for his answer,) pray, sir, can you in- form me whether we are to have supper? Why, not exactly a regular supper, sir ; there should be, though ; we pay enough, and ought to have it : and, really, four meals a-day, at sea, are not at all sufficient. It is too long to go from tea-time to breakfast, without eating. But you can have any thing you call for ; and I think it is high time to begin, for they close the bar at ten o'clock — steward, brandy and water. It is the sig- nal ; voice rises above voice, shout above shout. Whis- key, rum, cider, soda, ham, oysters, and herrings — the demand is greater than the supply. Damn them, they don't hear ! Why the devil don't you come ? Bear-a- hand, will you ! Curse that six-foot, he is as deaf as a post! You most particular, everlastin, almighty snail, do you calculate to convene me with them are chicken fixings, or not ! I hope I may be shot, if I don't reciprocate your inattention, by a substraction from the amount of your constitutional fees — that's a fact. Blood-and-ounds, man, are you going to be all , night ! — Hoi dich der Teufel ! what for you come not I Diable ! — Dep^chez done, bete. * The bar is shut, the day is past, the scene closes, the raging of the elements is over, and a lull once more prevails. Not a sound is heard, but the solitary^ tinkling of a spoon on the glass, as it stirs up the dregs of the toddy, which is supped with miserly lips, that hang fondly and eagerly over the last drop. I will read, now ; I will lose in the pathetic story of Oliver Twist, a sense of my own miseries. It is one of the few novels I can read. There are some touches of, deep feeling in it. Oh! that horrid perfume; it is a 1* THE GREAT WESTERN. 89 ghbour. Pray, sir, can you in- ; r? Ir ; there should to have it: and, at all sufficient. 3akfast, without ou call for ; and close the bar at r. It is the sig- ve shout. Whis- d herrings — the amn them, they ome ? Bear-a- ^e is as deaf as astin, almighty with them are «ia ly be shot, if I a substraction 1 fees — that's a going to be all you come not ? J scene closes, nd a lull once 7ut the solitary! rs up the dregs iserly lips, that) drop. I will tory of Oliver | is one of thej me touches of; rfume ; it is a negro — his shadow is now over me ; 1 feel his very breath ; my candle is rudely blown out, without either i notice or apology ; and the long, smoking wick, reek- ing of tallow, is left under my nose, to counteract by ^its poison, the noxious effluvia of the African. How 1 dare you, sir 1 Orders, sir — ten o'clock — lights out in [the saloon. I have no objection to the order, it is a proper one ; and whether proper or not, it is sufficient for me that it is an order; but it should be executed, if not with civility, at least with decency. But I submit ; I crawl off to my den again, thankful that 1 shall be left alone, and can commune with myself, in my own chamber, and be still. But no ! my chum is there ; he is in the joint act of expectorating and undressing. It is a small place for two to stand in ; a dirty place to be in at all. But time presses, my head swims in diz- ziness, and I must try. My coat is half ofi', and my arms pinioned by it behind me ; and in this defenceless state, a sudden roll of the ship brings my companion upon me, with the weight of an elephant ; and in the fall, he grasps and carries with him the basin. We slide from side to side; we mop the floor with our clothes — but I cannot proceed. Niagara would not purify me ; the perfumes of Arabia would not sweeten me. Oh, death ! where is now thy sting ? Why didst thou respect me in the battle-field, to desert me in the hour of my need? Why was I reserved for a fate like this; to die like a dog; to be pinioned in a steamer. If I should still survive, dear Fugleman, which I do not expect and cannot wish, I return not by a steamer. I shall go to Halifax and take passage in a Falmouth packet, where there is more society and less of a mob, where there is more cleanliness and less splendour, where eating is not the sole business of life, but time is given you to eat, where the company is so agreeable [j // .il^ i I ^ 40 THE LETTER-BAQ OP « you seldom wi^h to be alone, but. where you can be alone if you wish ; in short, where you can be among Gentlemen. Believe me, my dear Fugleman, Yours always, John HALxrRONT. No. IV. LETTER FROM A MIDSHIPMAN OF H. M. SHIP LAP- WING TO AN OFFICER OF THE INCON- STANT. Dear Jack — Land ahead my boy, and to-morrow we come down with the dust, not coal dust, please the pigs, nor gold dust, for I never could raise the wind to raise that kind of dust, but rael right down genuine Yankee dust and no mistake. — ^What dost thou think of that. Jack 1 Oh it blew till all was blue again, the whole voyage, but our smoking steed, the charming Cinderclea, be- haved nobly. She flew thro' the water like the steam thro' the flue, she never broke a bucket, carried away a coal-skuttle, or sprung a poker, but behaved like a dear little scullion as she is. She paddled like a duck, and hissed like a swan. She ran a race with mother Carey's chickens, and beat them by a neck. Oh, she is a dear love of a smoke. Jack. If we haven't had any distinguished living characters on board, we have had the honour of carrying the " ashes of the grate" (old pun that. Jack, but we always wear old clothes and 'M THE GREAT WESTERN. 41 5re you can be u can be among r Haltfront. I. SHIP LAP- THE INCON- 3rrow we come 56 the pigs, nor ind to raise that ne Yankee dust : of that, Jack? whole vovage, inderclea, be- like the steam carried away ehaved like a d like a duck, e with mother ck. Oh, she is ven't had any we have had e grate" (old d clothes and fire old puns at sea, you know) and althouffh we have been accused of * poking* our way across the Atlantic, I don't know how that applies to us, for we kept a " straight course," ran like the devil, and cleared " all the bars." It was a " stirring" time on board, every coun- tenance was * lighted' up, and though there was much ♦ heat,' there was no * quarrelling.' • Falling out' how- ever would be much less dangerous than ' falling in,' and there is some little difference between a "blow up" and a "blow out," as you and I happen to know to our cost. — We have lots of land-lubbers on board, young agitators, fond of " intestine commotions," who are constantly "spouting;" maidens, whose bosoms " heave ;" young clerks, who " cast up accounts ;" custom-house officers, who "clear out;" sharpers given to " over reaching," Jews, who at the taffi'ail " keep a pass-over ;" lawyers, who " take nothing by their mo- tion ;" doctors, who have " sick visits ;" choleric peo- ple, who cannot "keep down their bill;" bankrupts, who "give up all they have;" spendthrifts, who "keep nothing long;" idlers, who do nothing all day but "go up and down ;" men of business exhibiting " bills of lading ;" swindlers, who " cut and run ;" military men, who " surrender at discretion ;" boys, that quarrel and " throw up at cards ;" servants, that cannot " keep their places;" auctioneers with their going — going — ^gone; preachers, who say " they want but little here below nor want that little long ;" hypocrites, that make " long faces;" grumblers, that are "open mouthed;" bab- blers, that " keep nothing in ;" painters ever reluctant " to show their palette ;" authors, that cannot conceal " their effusions ;" printers, that never leave " their sheets;" and publishers, that first 'puff' and then " bring forth their trash ;" in short, men of all sorts in " one common mess." Lord ! what fun it is, dear Jack, to see these creatures. Good christians they are too, for they * give and take.' They return all kind- ness with interest. Charitable to a degree, for the}'- 4* hi It ii ti ! I! •I ( 42 THE LETTfiR-BAO OF give all they have and " strain" a point to do theii ut« most. Candid souls ! they " keep nothing back," but " bring every thing forward" without any considera- tion for themselves; although there is no danger of death, they are resigned to die. Their pride is so humbled, that they no longer " carry their heads high" or are burthened with a "proud stomach," but are content to remain in the place they occupy. — The vanities of dress they wholly discard, and would be disgusted at the sight of new clothes or of finery. — They are abstemious at table, and taste of the bitters of this world on principle. — What can be more edify- ing. Jack ? It is as good as a sermon, is it not ? Then when they stand on t'other tack, it is as good as a play. — Hallo ! what's this ? Oh dear ! I beg your par- don. Sir, I do indeed, but when it comes on so sudden, it blinds me. so I can't see; I am so sorry I mistook your hat for the basin. — Don't mention it, madam, but oh Lord ! my stool is loose behind, and away we both roll together into the lee-scuppers and are washed first forward and then aft. Hope you are not hurt, madam, but I could not hold on behind, it came so sudden, we shipped a sea — I hope I shall never see a ship again. It's a wonder she did not go down that time, for she was pooped. — Oh Sir! did you ever? do call the steward, please, do take me below, I shall never sur- vive this, I am wet through — if ever I reach land, no- body will catch me afloat again. I am so ashamed I shall die, I hope I didn't — certainly not, madam, the long cloak prevented any thing of that kind. Well, I am so glad of that, pray, take me down while I can go, for I have swallowed so much of that horridsalt water. — Pretty dialogue that, is it not ? Oh ! my dear fellow ! you may go round the world in a king's ship (Queen's ship, I mean, God bless her! and raise up a host of enemies to her, that we may lick them and get our promotion) ; you may go round it, but you never go into it. If you want to see life, 1 .|. THE GREAT WESTERJT. 43 nt to do theii ut* hing back," but any considera- s no danger of icir pride is so heir heads high" mach," but are '■ occupy. — The , and would be or of finery. — to of the bitters 1 be more edify- is it not 1 Then s as good as a I beg your par- es on so sudden, sorry I mistook 1 it, madam, but d away "we both are washed first ot hurt, madam, 3 so sudden, we e a ship again, at time, for she ? do call the shall never sur- reach land, no- i so ashamed I ot, madam, the kind. Well, I wn while I can hat horrid salt ound the world lod bless her! , that we may may go round mt to see life, 5 take a trip in an Atlantic steam packet. That's the place where people 'show up' what they are. But 'stop! Just look at that poor wretch near the wheel: I how while he looks about the gills ! sitting wrapped up |in his cloak, like patience at a monument, waiting for |{||his turn to turn in next, and not caring how soon it '|comes, either. He is too ill to talk and hates to be ^poken to, and for that very reason i will address him. ^low do you find yourself now, sir f I hope you arc Ibetter. He dreads to open his mouth, for fear he Ishould give vent to more than he wishes. He shakes Vhis head only. Can I give you any thing ? Another shake is the only reply. A little sago 1 He is in de- spair, and gives two shakes. A little arrowroot, with brandy in it t it is very good. He i^ angry ; he has [lost his caution, and attempts to answer; but suddenly fplacing both hands to his mouth, runs to the tafrail. [Poor fellow ! he is very ill, very ill, indeed. He re- [turns and takes his seat, and his head falls on his bo- som; but he must be rough-ridden before he will be ! well-trained, so here is at him again : Pray let me send you a little soup with Cayenne. He gives half a dozen angry shakes of the head. But the only thing to be relied upon is a slice of fat pork fried with garlic ; it is a specific. He makes a horrible mouth, as if the i very idea would kill him ; shuts his eyes close, as if it ^ would prevent his hearing ; and folding his cloak over ihis head, turns round and lies down on the deck in 'f despair. The officers of the watch and I exchange I winks, and I pass on to the saloon, for a glass of I (what the navy has gone to the devil without, since it has become too fashionable to use it as Nelson did), for a glass of grog. But, Oh ! my eyes ! look here. Jack ! bear a hand ^ this way, my boy I Down the companion-way with you, as quick as you can, and look at. that poor devil pinned to the state-room door, with a fmk through the palm df his hand, which the steward smck there in a !'4 44 THE LETTER-BAG OF lee lurch. Hear him, how he swears and roars ; and see the steward standing looking at him, and hoping he hasn't hurt him ; as if it could do any thing else but hurt him. See what faces he makes, as if he was grinning through a horse-collar at Saddler's Wells. What a subject for Cruikshanks ! I must not sufier him to be released till I sketch him. Where the devil is my pencil? a guinea for a pencil ! Oh ! here it is, and the paper too. I must have this living caricature. Stop, steward, don't touch that fork for your life : call the doctor ; perhaps you have struck an artery, (I have hill.) — the blood might flow too freely, (I wish he would hold still) — or you might wound a nerve, (he twists about so there is no sketching him) — in which case lock-jaw might perhaps ensue, (how he roars! there is no catching that mouth) — rusty iron is very dangerous to wounds, (I have him now, by Jove !) — especially to wounds in the hand and feet, (that will do now ; let us see what he will do^ . " Steward, why don't you * fork out,' you rascal ? • Draw,' you scoun- drel, or I '11 murder you. That * fork' has spoiled the carving of the door. * Palmy' times, these! That * tine' is not * tiny,' sir. It is a * great bore' to be bored through the hand in that * unhandsome' manner." I beg pardon, sir, says the steward, it was not my fault; but this ship is so * unhandy,' it is, indeed, sir. Excuse me, my good fellow, I say (for I cannot lose this op- portunity) — excuse me ; but you have put a stopper on your whist playing. " How so, sir?' Your adversary can see into your nand. " Humph ! Don't thank you for your joke." It would be a devilish good joke if you did. So now Jack, you see what a " trip of plea- sure" means among these land lubbers; and that is better than *• pinning your faith to my sleeve," as the steward did to that sea-calfs of a passenger. But here comes a great vulgar conceited ass of a Cockney, who|thinks we are bound to talk of nothing, during the vtfyage, but steam and machinery, two s and roars ; and litn, and hoping he ny thing else but kes, as if he was Saddler's Wells. I must not suffer Where the devil Oh ! here it is, living caricature. for your life : call an artery, (I have eely, (I wish he und a nerve, (he g him) — in which !, (how he roars! rusty iron is very low, by Jove !) — feet, (that will do " Steward, why )raw,' you scoun- f has spoiled the s, these! That 3ore' to be bored •me* manner." I i^as not my fauh; Bed, sir. Excuse not lose this op* Dut a stopper on Your adversary Don't thank you sh good joke if a " trip of plea- lers; and that is sleeve," as the senger. iceited ass of a talk of nothing, nachinery, two THE GREAT WESTERIT. 45 -at ubjects which I detest above all others ; they are so echnical, so shoppy, so snobbish. Hear him. Pray, Mr. Piston (who the devil told him my name was Piston? It's one I hate, it sounds so Brumma- gem-like, and I hate a fellow that uses it unceremoni- i)uslv) — Pray, sir, do you know the principle of this boat? I have that honour, sir ; he is Captain Claxton, of Bristol. No, no; I beg pardon; not who, but what is the principle ? ; Oh! exactly; now I take. The principal, sir, is 0,000 pounds, and it pays 9 per cent, interest. See now he flushes ; his choler is rising ; he is es- *tablishing a raw : if he gets through this examination, ho will eschew me for the future, as he would the devil. 'Take my word for it, he will never put me into the witness-box again. You don't comprehend me, sir. I merely wished to • ask you if it were on the high or the low principle. On the high, decidedly, sir ; for they charge £43 lOs. |ibr a passage, which is high, very high, indeed The ' "ect, sir, is to exclude low people, although it does not effectually answer even that purpose (and I gave him a significant look). You observe they take no ; .steerage passengers, though it might perhaps be an im- f^rovement if they did (another significant look, which fahe insignificant lubber appears to take). Odi pro- ^fianum vulgus et arceo (I like that last word, it is so Inexpressive of the cold shoulder) is the very proper 'motto of the very exclusive Board of Directors at Bristol. I am sorry I have not been so fortunate as to render myself intelligible, (says my scientific friend, his ire visibly getting the steam up) ; I desired to know if it [were on the high pressure or low pressure principle. Oh ! that is quite another thing, sir ; I conceive it is I on the low-pressure ; for the lower a thing is pressed, 4^ THK LETTEK-BAU OF the greater is the compression — da you take? — the greater the power. For instance, there is the screw, invented by Hydcr Aulu, or Hydcr Alley, I forget which, is — he bites his hps, his eyes dilate, but it won't do — it's no go. I am afraid lam troublesome, he says, with some confusion. We bow, and touch our hats with much formality, and part, I hope, to meet no more. Poor fun, this, after all ; grey hairs ought to be re- spected, particularly when supported by a large sto- mach. Seniores priores ; or the old hands to the bow oars; but, still, they should mind their stops, and not be putting in their oars on all occasions. Nemo omni- bus horis sapit, it is not every one with hoary hairs that is wise. How I should like to make love, if it was only for the fun of the thing, just to keep one's hand in ; but, alas I all the young girls are sick — devilish sick ; and, I trust, I need not tell you that, a love-sick girl is one thing, and a sea-sick girl is another. I like to have my love returned ; but not my dinner. Balmy sighs, and sour ones ; heaving bosoms, and heaving stomachs, are not compatible. Dear Jack, say what you will, and love will fly out of the window, when — but, in mercy to the dear creatures, whom I really do love, 1 will drop the subject, or, rather, throw it up at once. Now, I will take a rise out of that cross old spinster on the camp-stool. I hate an old maid, and never lose an opportunity of showing them up. It may be savage, I admit; but man is an animal, bipes im- plumis, risibilis, as Aldrich has it. What a definition of a man, implumis ! and yet I have seen fellows with feathers in their caps, too, and hope to have one in mine, before I die ; but, still, I must have my lark, let who will pay the piper. Here, boy, run forward, and tell that young scape-grace, George, that if he does not do what I ordered him, he may " look-out for squalls." Oh, dear I Mr. Piston, says the lady, prick- ing up her ears, like a cat a listening, do you really think there is any danger of "squalls?" Oh, very THE GREAT WESTERN. 47 much so, indeed,, madam ! but don't be alarmed, there is no danger, if — no, no, there is no danger, none at all, if— If what, sir? do, pray, tell me ! Why, no danger, madam, if there aint a blow-up ; but, prav don't be frightened, it can't reach you. Reach me, sir ! why it will reach us all. A blow- up ! oh how shocking ! Do be so good, sir, as to sit down and tell me — how is it, sir ? Don't be alarmed, madam ; I am sorry you over- heard me; there is no danger — not the least in the world, nothing but a little blow-up, it will be over in a minute — Over in a minute, sir ! but where shall we all be 1 we shall all be over in a minute, too — all overboard I I assure you, madam, there is no danger. Do be composed ; they are very common. I know it, sir; they are always blowing-up, are steamboats ; three hundred lives lost on the Mississippi, the other day. Three hundred and eighty, said I. Yes, three hundred and eighty, said she ; and every day, almost, they are blowing-up. There was the Santa Anna, and the Martha, and the Three Sisters, and the Two Brothers, and I don't know how many more, blown up. Steamboats, madam? Yes, steamboats, sir! they are very dangerous; never again will I put my foot on board of one of them. Oh, dear, I wish I was out of this horrid steamer ! But, I said nothing of steamboats, madam. Do you call blowing-up, nothing, sir? scalding to death, sir, nothing, sir ; drowning, nothing, sir ; being sent out of the world in that awful maiiner, nothing, sir? But, madam, pray don't be excited ; I wasn't talking of steamers at all. Then, what were you talking of, sir ? Oh, dear ! I 48 THE LETTER'BAG OF III am so frightened, so dreadful!" frightened ; I feel so shockingly nervous; I am alloi a tremour; what were you talking of, then, sir? I was merely saying, madam, that, if boy George did not clean my boots, he might look-out for squalls, for I would give him a blowing-up, which means Yes, yes, sir, I know what it means ; and then draw- ing herself up as stately as a queen, I '11 not trouble you any further, sir. Not the least trouble in the world, madam, said I, rising, ind smiling, not the least trouble in the world, madam; rather a pleasure, I assure you. Yes, my dear fellow, if you want to see the world, take a trip in the Great Western, or some of those whacking large Atlantic steamers, and you will see more fun, and more of human nature, in a week, than you will see in the " Inconstant " in a twelve-month ; but whether you follow this advice or not, recollect that, fair weather or foul weather, by land or by sea, by day or by night, you have a fast friend in old Tom Pistow. No. V. LETTER X ^ ^ ■ I J^' .;: FROM JOHN SKINNER, BUTCHER, TO MARY HYDE. Dear Mary — You wouldn't believe me when I told you I was off in the Great Western, to see a little of the other side of the world ; but its cum true, for all that, like many a more unlikelier thing has cum afore now ; and THE GREAT WESTBRIT. W here I am, half-seas over, as the teetotallers call some- thing else, and may be a little more. I likes it very much indeed, all but being wet all the time ; but its the nature of the sea to be wet, and for a new recruit, I stands it nobly, only I can't keep my feet, for I 'vc been floored oftener than any man in the ship. My heels has a great inclination to rise in the world, showing what the sole of a butcher is ; and I shall soon walk as well on my head as my feet. It is lucky you aint here, dear Mary, this sort of work wouldn't suit you ; you was always giddy-headed. The sailors undertook to pass their jokes upon me, when I first came on board, calling me old Skinner, and butcher, and you with the smock-frock and breeches, and so on. It 's a way they have with lands- men ; but it isn't every lands-man that's green, for all that. They are a set of 'uoberly, unmannerly rascals as ever I see. Whenever I ask'd one of them to help me, he said it's my turn below, or its my turn on deck, and who was your lackey last year, or does your mo- ther know you are out. To-da^', when I fell on the broad of my back, they began running their rigs as usual, saying, pull down your smock-frock, John Skin- ner, or you will show your legs, come to me and I 'II help you up, and, how does it feel, butcher. Try it, says I, and you '11 know ; and I knocked two of them down like bullocks. It made them very civil after- wards, calling me sir, and Mr. Skinner. It improved their manners vastly. The steward and me is great friends, and I get my grog in his room. When I takes down the milk, I gets a glass of bran- dy ; and when I puts my hand on his side to steady me while I drink it, and feel five inches of good clear fat on his ribs, it makes me feel wicked, to think if 1 had the dressing of him, how beautiful he would cut- up. My fingers get on the handle of my knife inwol- luntary, like, as if they would long to be into him. He is stall-fed, like a prize ox ; his fat is quite wonder- 5 \ V u 50 THE LETTER-BAO Or ful, wliich is more ♦hnn I can say of our stock. Ono of my cows has gone dry, which comes of her being wet all the time, and not having room to He down in. Tiie salt-water has made corn-beef of her, already. She is of the polo breed, and the Grossest, contrariest beast I ever see. She have rubbed off her tail, at last — a rubbin so, the whole time. The other cow is a nice little bullock ; but she had a calf too early, so she had ; her mouth is as young as a bal'^by's — tho' in another year she will be a good beast enough. Tho poultry, poor things, are very sickly, and would all die if I didn't kill the weakliest, for the cajin, to save their lives — and, so is the pigs, so much swimming don't agree with them ; and when they stagger, and won't eat, I serve them tho same way ; for it stands to rea- son, they can't thrive when they gives over eating, that way. ' We travels day and night here all at the same pace, up hill and down dale, and this I will say, — the Corn- wall hills are fools to some of the seas we see from the ship ; but it's here goes — who's afraid — and down we dashes as hard as we can lay legs to it. They carries the light on the top instead of each side of the box, as we do ashore, which makes passing other lines in the night very awkward, for there is no hedge to mark the road, and show vou the distance of the drains; but it's like Saulsberry plain in a snow storm, all white as far as you can see, and no mile-stones or lamp-posts ; and you can't reign up short, for it takes some time to put the drags on the wheel ^o bring her to a stand still. How they finds their way in the dark is a puzzle to me, but I suppose they have travelled it so often, they have got it by heart like. I often think if the lynch pin was to cum out, and they to lose a wheel, or the two to cum off, or the axle-tree break, what a pretty mess they'd be in, and yet arter all, as for speed, big as she is, I'd trot her for a treat with master's pony, and not be a bit afeard. But what un- THE GREAT WRSTERW. 61 der the sun could make the Bristol peo])lc call her a boat, for I'm positive she is the biggest ship I ever see ! They have to hang up two bells in her, one aft, and one in the forepart, for one aiqt enough to bo heard all over her. The bow, thcv call " far west," it is so far oil* — the starn, " down east," and the sentre, where theni black negro-looking ft'.ovvs, the stokers live, "Africa." The engines is wonderful, that's sar- tain. They work like a baker needing do for bred, and the digs it gives is surprising. The boilers is big enough to scald at one dip, all the pigs in an Irish steamer, and would be a fortune to a butcher. Tlie fire-places is large enough to roast a whole hog at once, and if there is a thing I love, it's roast pork. The hard, red, crisp, cronchy skin is beautiful, as much as to say, come, stick it into me afore I am cold. It puts me in mind of your lips, dear Mary, both on 'em is so red, so plump, so enticing, and both taken with a little sarce. — Yes, I never see a pig, I doesn't think of you, it's cheeks is so round and fat like yourn. The rib, too, means a wife every where ; but I wont say no more, for fear I should find I had gotten the •wrong sow by the ear. We have a great deal of company on board, consisting of two hundred men and women, two cows, ten pigs, besides fowls and mu- latto girls. One of these young women isn't a bad looking heifer neither ; she is constantly casting sheep's eyes at me, but I aint such a calf as she takes me to be, so don't be jealous Mary. She thinks I don't know she has a touch of the tar-brush, — so says she, Mr. Skinner, the water is very bad, aint it ? Very, I says, — its keeping it in them nasty iron tanks, that makes it look so black, and taste so foul. Exacaly, sir, says she, the water has got so much iron in it, I dread- ful afraid of lightning, it will make me so attractive. You don't need that, says I, Miss, your hone attrac- tions is so great of themselves. Oh ! says she, Mr. Skinner, how you do flatter — but really, it do affect THE LETTBR-BAO OF me dreadful, especially my memory, which is quite rusty, and then it colours my skin and spoils my com- plexion, it comes thro' the pores and iron-moulds my very linhin, it do indeed. Wasn't that capital, Mary ! a mulatto wench, swearing it was the iron made her face copper-colour'd ; let the women alone for tricks, there'' she of pie — or, Mr. Skinner, here's an orange — or, Mr. 's few can match them in that line. How civil is with Mr. Skinner. — Will you have a piece pie — or, Mr. Skinner, here's an orange — or, ~" Skinner, lend me an arm, sir, please. But soft words butter no parsnips — it wont do — its no go that. I'll lend her an arm, or any thing else to oblige her, out of civility, but as for my heart, that 's for you, dear Mary — and tho' I say it, that shouldn't say it, there aint a stouter nor a truer one in all Gloucestershire, as you will find some o' these days. My ambition is to be able to set up my own man, in my own shop, afore I die, with prime beef and mut- ton in it, and you with your white apron on — the pret- tiest peace of meat of them all ; and to hear folks say, as they pass, "Damn that fellow, Skinner! he has the prettiest wife and the best mutton in all Bristol:" that's what I am at, and no mistake. I wouldn't like to folly buchering all my life in a ship, for it 's too unsteady. Me and the half-dressed sheep sometimes both comes down together by the run, all of a smash ; and tum- bling about with a knife in your hand, or atween your teeth, is not safe for your own hide or other people's. No longer agone than yesterday I cut across the can- vas trousers of a sailor, and one inch more would a fixed him for life. Besides, capsising the bucket, which will happen sometimes, makes a great fuss among the sailors, who have to scrub up all clean with a great big stone they call holy-stone, cause they swears over it 80. After all, life in a steamer ain't so pleasant as life in Bristol, especially when work is done, seeing friends at the ale-house, or walking of a Sunday over to Clif- ton with somebody as shall be nameless. One question ■mf Mt *^- THE GREAT WESTERN. 53 more and I'me done : Who courts standing with their heads over it, at the stile, one on one side of it, and tother on the other ? Well, it arnte the donkeys, tho' they comes there sometimes ; and it tante our cow and squire Maze's old blind bull, tho' they do come there to rub noses across the bars sometimes, too ; but it 's a pretty girl what wears a bonnet with blue ribbons, that do cum to see a well-built young butcher in Bristol ; and mind what I telly, the next time he comes there, him and Blue Ribbons is both on one side of the stile, in less time than wink, mind that, for I'me not joking no more than a parson. Hopping that it may come soon, and that you will be as true as I be, I remain 'till death, . > Your loving friend, * , - John Skinner. , No. VI. .... ' ^9 LETTER FROM ONE OF THE SOCIETY OF FRIENDS TO HER KINSWOMAN. Esteemed Friend — Thee will be pleased to hear that we are now in sight of America, to which country the Lord has graciously vouchsafed to guide us in safety through many perils, giving us permission at times to see the light of the sun by day, and sometimes the stars by night, that we may steer our lonely way through the dreary waste and solitary expanse of the pathless Of a truth, he ftiithfully and beautifully ex- ocean. / ^ — J pressed the proper feeling of a Christian, who said, " Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of 5* 64 THE LETTER-BAG OF I i death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me ; thy rod and thy staff comfort me." And now, esteemed and kind friend, my heart yearnelh towards thee, and my first thought on approaching this strange land, as my last on leaving that of my forefathers, resteth on thee, my early companion, my good counsellor, my well- beloved sister. How often, in the stillness of night, when alone in my bed, has thy image been called up before me, by the fond recollections of the past I How often have I longed for thee amid the raging of the tempest, that my heart, though resigned to meet what- ever might betide it, might catch the power of adding hope to fortitude, from the cheerful aspect of thy coun- tenance! And how often amid the vain and frivolous scenes that I have daily mingled in on board of this ship, have I wished for thy conversation, thy compan- ionship and support ! Strange sensations have affected me by such associations as I have had here. A maiden and her brother, from London, are fellow-passengers. She is very afiable and kind, very condescending in her manners, humble-minded, though of high birth, and of a great talent for conversationr. She is beloved by all, and has won kind regards from every body. Her attire is what is called in the gay world ♦' fashionable." It is composed of the most beautiful fabrics, and, though rich, has much simplicity. I sometimes ask myself — Why do I call this vain or idle? If Providence decks the birds of the air with variegated and brilliant plumage, and endows the flowers of the field with splendid colours ; if the rose boasts its delicate tints, the shrubs their fragrant blossoms, and the vine its ten- drils and its wreaths, can these things be vain? The lilies toil not, neither do they spin, and yet Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If we who have dominion over them are not ourselves clothed bv nature, was it not an intimation that our toilet was left to ourselves, that it might suit the seasons and our tastes, that it might be renewed when old, and please th THE GREAT WESTERIT. 55 the eye, and do justice to the symmetry and beauty of our form ? When I look at this 'ovely maiden, and see her in this vain attire, and observe that she is not ren- dered vain thereby herself, forgive me, Martha, but I cannot help admitting the question does arise to my mind — " Can this be sinful V* Does it not afford em- ployment to the poor, profit to the mechanic and manu- facturer, and diffuse wealth that avarice might other- wise hoard? To-day she came into my cabin and asked me to walk the deck with her, and as I sought my bonnet, said, * my dear, suffer me to see how you would look in mine, my pretty friend,' and then stood off and lifted up both hands and exclaimed, * How beau- tiful ! How well it becomes that innocent face ! Do look at your sweet self in the glass, my love. How handsome! is it not? Nay, blush not; be candid now, and say whethci •' is not more becoming than that little pasteboard Qt' * r mnet of thine. Such a face as yours is too lovt r be immured in that unpretending piece of plainness, as you yourself would be to be im- prisoned in a nunnery : _,5^^ • Full many a face with brightest eye serene Those plain unfashionable bonnets bear; Full many a rose they doom to blush unseen, And waste its sweetness 'mong the ringlets there.' . Nay, said I, dear lady, now thee convinces me that the Friends very properly forbid the use of those vain and idle decorations, for thee makest me vain. Thee has summoned up more pride in my heart, in those few brief minutes, than I knew before to have existed within me. Pray take it back ere I am spoiled by thy praise or thy worldly attire. * You would soon learn not to be vain of them, when you had been used to them : am I vain V No, indeed, said I, by no means ; thee is not vain, but far, very far from it; and I could not help thinking, neither should I be vain, if, like her, I wore them daily. ^- .' r \ §0 THE LETTER-BAG OF > Do not be alarmed, Martha, thee must not think I am going to adopt tiie dress of these people ; I have no such thoughts ; but methinks we place more im- Eortance upon this subject than it deserves ; but, per- aps, my understanding is too weak to penetrate the reasons wisdom assigns for their exclusion. Her bro- ther is a captain in the army — very tall, very polite, and very handsome. His eyes are uncommonly intel- ligent, and so bright, I cannot look at them when he speaks to me, for they seem to see through mine into my heart, and read all that is there. There is nothing there, thee knowest, but what he or any one else might read, except that I do not want him to know, what I should be ashamed to tell him, that I think him so handsome, so very handsome. He swears sometimes, which is such a pity. I heard him say, yesterday, to another officer that is on board, — How lovely that quaker girl is, by G — ! She is the sweet- est girl I ever saw 1 She is a perfect beauty — what eyes! what a bust — what feet — and then he swore an oath, I must not repeat — she was an angel ! How shocking to be spoken of in such Janguage of profane praise, by a man whose business is war, and who is familiar with swords, and guns, and weapons of de- struction. That oath made me shudder, especially, as I know I was the innocent cause of it ; and yet he is so gentle, his manner so kind, and his conversation so intelligent, that I am sure, he is not aware of this habit, which he has caught without knowing it, from others. He does not agree with his sister about dress. He told me, he thought there was great elegance in the simplicity of the quaker dress — that there was a modest beauty in it, particularly becoming young maidens — that he considered the way fashionable la- dies dressed, was disgusting, and that the muslin that half concealed, half revealed our charms, was uncom- monly attractive. I do not know how it is, I fear this man of war. I abhor his swearing, and never could ^-«iv ! I THE GREAT VVESTERIf. 57 love him, no never; and yet I do like to hear him talk to me, his voice is so musical, and his discourse so modest and suitable for female ear. He has seen much of foreign parts, and has helped me to pass many a weary hour. His anecdotes are both amus- ing and instructive. How strange a contradiction is man ! He swears, because I heard him swear about me, and yet there is an air of piety that pervades his discourse, that is very pleasing. If thee had heard the terms of just indignation with which he related the Polygamy of the Turks, and how they ought to be hung, that had so many wives, thee could not believe it was the same person who used profane oaths. I think, if he was one of the Friends, instead of a Cap- tain of the Queen's hosts, I should fear to be so much with him, lest my aflections should outstrip his. Of the other passengers, I cannot say much ; they play at cards, and throw the dice, and for money too, and drink a great deal of wine, and talk very louH. It is a discordant scene, and very noisy, for there are people of all nations here. Their prejudices and predilections are amusing. The French cannot eat sea biscuit, they are so used to soup. The Jews will not touch pork. The teetotals abjure wine and strong drink. The Catholics, every now and then, refuse meat, and eat only fish. The English abhor molasses, and the Yan- kees abuse French wines. The foreigners detest rum, and tobacco is a constant source of discussion ; yet amid all this there is no quarrelling. I have not been sea-sick myself at all, though the captain was for two days, and it was fortunate for him his sister was on board to minister to his wants. He is very courage- ous. During the dreadful gale we had, he asked me to go on deck, and see how beautiful the ocean looked in such a tempest, and he supported me with his arm in the kindest manner. As we passed the cabin of the missionary passenger on deck, we heard music, and stopped to listen ; it was a hymn, that he and several « 'i 58 THE LETTER BAG OF I Wf persons joined in singing. As it rose and fell on the blast, its melancholy tones of supplication had a strik- ing effect, and touched the heart with sadness. What a fitting .time this would have been, to have appealed to him against the irreverent use of His name, who was walking abroad on the waters ! but my heart failed me, for just as I looked at him to speak, I en- countered those eyes, those beautiful, speaking, search- ing eyes, that so unaccountably compel me to with- draw mine, and cause me a kind of confusion. Per- haps such another opportunity may noi occur again. I felt interested in him on account of his lovely sis- ter, who is all gentleness and goodness, and although I abhor war, and fear warriors, and shall never for- get his profaneness in calling an humble maiden like me an angel ; yet it is the only fault he has, and it would be cruel to regard him with averted looks, or frowns of indignation. Indeed, one cannot harbour such thoughts at sea, where the heart is impressed by its mystery, elevated by its sublimity, and awed by its power — vast — restless — trackless, unfathomable and inscrutable, what an emblem it is of the ubiquity and power of God ! — How many ideas it suggests, how it awakens the imagina- tion, how it subdues and softens the heart ! How vast are the treasures of this great store-house of the world ! How many kind, generous and faithful beinss has the sea folded in its bosom, and oh how many have gone down to its caverns, amidst the thunders of war, with the guilt of blood upon their hands, to realize what man, sinful man, miscalls glory ! — Of vessels wrecked, or burn- ed, or foundered, the number must have been fearfully great, and oh what aching hearts, agonizing shrieks, and lingering deaths has it witnessed ! I know not how it is, I cannot look abroad upon this world of waters, without being strongly impressed with a melancholy feeling of interest in those untold tales — those hidden annals — those secrets of the vasty deep. If the captain ^/: ,« THE GREAT WESTERN. ^' ? 59 thought as I did, he would not Hghtly — but I forget, 1 only mention his name, because there is really so little to write about, that is worth a thought in this great floating caravansary. When I arrive at New York, which I hope will be on the 3d morning of the 2d week of this month, I shall write thee again. Rebecca Fox. P. S. I hear the weather in Philadelphia is exces- sively hot, and that it is necessary to wear thin cloth- ing, to avoid the yellow fever. So thee will please to send me the finest and thinnest muslin thee can find, for my neck ; and though I may not wear Leghorn or Palmetto, yet a gauze bonnet would not be so heavy as mine, in this intense heat, nor intercept so painfully all air. Delicate lace gloves, methinks, would confer similar advantages. — The captain has just enquired of me, what route we take on our arrival, and says, it is remarkable, that he and his sister had fixed on the same tour, and leave New York by the same con- veyance we do ; I had wished for her company, and am much pleased to be favoured with it. R. F. ■..■<'■ ivi; No. VII. LETTER FROM A NEW BRUNS WICKER TO HIS FRIEND AT FREDERICTON. ' , My dear Carlton — You will be surprised to hear I am already on my return, but my business having been all satisfac- torily arranged, I had no inclination to remain any THE LBTTER-BAO OT i longer away at a time when our commerce might pos- sibly receive an interruption from the mad proceedings of our neighbours. I am delighted with England and the English, and feel proud that I participate in the rights and privileges of a British subject ; but I must reserve what I have to say on this subject until we meet, for if I begin on this agreeable theme, I shall never know when to leave off. I have been up the Rhine since I saw you, and, notwithstanding that I am so familiar with, and so attached to our own magni- ficent river, the St. John, I should have been enraptur- ed with it, if I had never heard of it before ; but Byron has bedeviled it as Scott has Loch Katrine. It is im- possible to travel with pleasure or with patience after a Poet. Their glasses magnify, and when you come to use your own eyes, you no longer recognize the scene for the same presented by their magic lantern. Disappointment constantly awaits you at every step — you become angry in consequence, and instead of looking for beauties, gratify your spleen by criticising for the pleasure of finding fault. Viewing it in this temper, the lower part of the Rhine is as flat and level as any democrat could wish, and the upper part as high, bold, and overbearing as any autocrat could de- sire. Then the ancient ruins, the dilapidated castles, the picturesque and romantic towers of the olden time, what are they ? Thieves' nests, like those of the hawk and vulture, built on inaccessible crags, and about as interesting. The vineyards, about which my imagina- tion had run riot, the luxuriant, graceful, and beautiful vine, the rich festoons, what are they? and what do they resemble ? Hopgrounds ? I do injustice to the men of Kent, they are not half so beautiful. — Indian cora fields of Virginia? they are incomparably inferior to them — oh ! honest currant bushes trained and tied to their stakes, poor, tame and unpoetical. — Then the stillness of death pervades all. It is one unceasing, never-ending flow of waters — the same to-day, to- THE GREAT WESTERIT. 61 morrow, and for ever — the eternal river: here and there a solitary steamer labours and groans with its toil up tiie rapid stream. Occasionally a boat adven- tures, at the bidding of some impatient traveller, to cross it. But where is the life and animation of our noble river ; the busy hum of commerce ; the varied, unceasing, restless groups of a hardy and enterprising population? I know not; but, certainly, not on the water. Dilapidated towers frown on it; dismantled halls open upon it ; the spectres of lying legends haunt it ; and affrighted commerce wings its way to more congenial streams. It made me melancholy. May poetry and poets never damn our magnificent river with their flattering strains, as they have done this no- ble one, to the inheritance of perpetual disappoint- ment. Who ever has sailed up the St. John's, without expressing his delight at finding it so much more beau- tiful than he had anticipated? and why? because he had heard no exaggerated account of it. Whoever ascended the Rhine without an undisguised expression of disappointment, if he dared to utter such treason against the romance of the world, or a secret feeling of vexation, if he were afraid to commit himself — and why ? because he had heard too much of it. And yet the St. John is not superior to the Rhine ; nay, as a whole, I doubt if it is quitp equal to it; but it gives more satisfaction, more pleasure, for the reason I here assigned. Scenery cannot be described ; whoever at- tempts it, either mils short of its merits, or exceeds them. Words cannot convey a distinct idea of it, any more than they can of colours to the blind. Pictures might, if they were faithful ; but painters are false, they either caricature or flatter. But the poet is least to be trusted of all ; he lives in an atmosphere of fic- tion, and when he sketches, he has mountains, skies and cataracts at command, and whatever is necessary to heighten the effect, is obedient to his call. He con- verts all into fairy -land. Now, don't mistake me, old 6 62 THE LETTER-BAG OF boy, I am neither undervaluing the Rhine, nor the poets, but that river needs no poet. Good wine requires no bush. Whether we shall ever have a poet, I know not. Ship-building, lumbering, stock-jobbing, and note- shaving, are not apt to kindle inspir.ition ; but if we shall ever be so fortunate, I most fervently hope he will Sparc — the river — yes, par excellence — the river. As I shall not be able to proceed immediately to New Brunswick, I avail myself of a leisure moment, to give you the latest intelligence respecting the dis- puted territory, which engrosses but little attention, just now, I am sorry to say, on the other side of the water. It has given rise, however, to much fun, the substance of which is this : — They say that Governor Fairfield has Eassed all bounds; and that a Fairfield and a fight ave a natural connexion. Little interest is taken in London, in the matter. Few Englishmen know the difference between Madagascar and Madawaska; and our agent says, the British minister sometimes calls it one and sometimes the other. They don't know whe- ther Maine means the main land, in distinction from an island, or whether the main question, in distinction from minor questions. Stephenson told them it was a quiz; and that Van Buren had his Maine as well as O'Con- nell had his tail; both of them being lions, and queer devils, and both of them great hands at roaring. They, certainly, are odd fish, at fish river, and, like macka- rel, jump like fools at red cloth. They talked big, and looked big at the big lake, but that was from making too free with biggons of liquor. It was natural they should think, at last, they were * big-uns ' themselves. It's no wonder they had such difficulty in raising men*, when they were all officers; and that there was no subordination, when they were all in command. Hiring substitutes is a poor way of a-proxi-mating to an army ; and marching in the month of March, is no fun, where the snow is up to the middle. A friend in need is a friend indeed, but not when he is in-kneed in snow. TUB GREAT WESTERlf. W Such marching must cost them many a ♦ bummy dear ;' ■while wndinL? through creeits in winter, it is apt to give a crici< in the neck; and camping out on the ice, to terminate in a severe camp-pain. Indeed, the pa- triots of Maine must have been joking when they said they intended to run a Hne, for every body knew they couldn't stand to it. If they were in earnest, ail I can say is, that it is the first time a legislature ever seri- ously proposed to run their country. Too many of them, it is to be feared, are used to it ; for not a few of them have cut and run thither from the British pro- vinces. Playing at soldiers is as losing an atiair, as playing at cards, especially when you have nothing higher than knaves to play with, and the honours are against you. There has been great laughter at the spoil ; the tim- ber dealers seizing a cargo of deals, and a hundred logs, a deal too large to carry. It was in their line. It was characteristie. It has been called the odd trick of the Deal The General putting a boom across the Aroustic river, has proved how shallow he was. He has been compared to that long-legged gentleman, the Bittern, " booming from his sedgy shallow." It was " cutting his stick " with a vengeance ; not marching, but " stirring his stumps." It was " King Log" driv- ing his ox-team, like Coriolanus, at the head of the main body of the troops of the state of Maine, and whistling as he went, " Go where glory waits thee." Marching with fifty pounds of pork on their backs, was certainly going the whole hog, and a ration-al way of establishing a provision-al government at Madawaska. *It is said the troops cut their way, not through the enemy, with swords, but through the woods, like true Yankees, by " axeing." They first lun and cut, and then cut and run. They kept up a brisk fire, day and night — not on the borderers, but on the ice on the bor- der ; and would have had a field-day, no doubt, if there had been a field within fifty miles of them, to have had 64 TUB LETTER-BAG OF mv, it in ; but, alas ! the only thing worth a dam that they saw, was a saw-mill. To read the general's speeches, you would have supposed he was boiling with rage at the Brunswickers ; whereas, he was only thinking of boiling maple sugar by battalions. He was making a spec — licking sugar-candy, and not licking the enemy. Gallant man I he was but too fond of the " lasses." What right has this patriot to complain of his shoot- ing-pains, who would not be at the pains to shoot. In place of raising 800,000 men, as he boasted, he raised 800,000 dollars. Sume animos nee te vesano trade dolor f Instead of charging the British, and breaking their ranks, it is whispered they made a dreadful charge against the state, and broke the banks. Fie upon them ! this is the way they serve their country ; but marching on the ice is slippery work, and a little backsliding is to be expected, even among patriots and heroes. — Talking of patriots, puts me in mind of Cana- da, which, I hear, has sent delegates (or delicates, as they are more appropriately called in the fashionable world) to England, to raise themselves by lowering others, as an empty bucket does a full one in a well. Their bucket however proved to be a leaky one, for by the time they got home, it was found to contain no- thing. — It reminded me of the Irishman's empty barrel full of feathers. — The story of the mails was one grievance, but they found on their arrival the postage had been reduced one half without asking, and fiity five thousand a year granted, to convey their " elegant epistles" by steamers, via Halifax. " I give thee all I can, no more." Alas I for these knights errant, what has become of their coats of ' mail' — I suppose they will next ask to be paid for letting the mails travel through the country; for the more people bother Government, the better they are liked and the more they get, like crying, scolding children, who worry those they can't persuade. This is reversing the order of things, not teaching the young idea how to shoot ; THE GREAT WESTBRN. 05 Is was one but teaching the old one how to make ready and present. A * Taught* Government however is a good one, for it encourages no " slack," but ' recede' and « concede' is the order of the day now " (^edcndo victor abibis." Loosening the foundations is a new way of giving stability to a Government, while reform means destroying all form and creating that happy state, that is * without form and void.' Responsible government in a colony means the people being responsible to themselves, and not to England ; dutiful children who owe obedience, but un- able or unwilling to pay it, want to take the benefit of the act and swear out. A majority without property, who want to play at impeachments with their political opponents and lynch them. It is a repeal of the Union, and justice to Canada requires it. It is a government responsible to demagogues, who are irresponsible. What a happv condition to live in ! Ah my good friend, you and I who have disported in the vasty sea of the great world, amidst the monsters of the briny deep, know how to laugh at the gambols of these little tadpoles of a fresh-water puddle. I abhor ultras of all parties. — Dum vitant stulti vitia in contraria currunt. — Good specimens, if they could bo procured, of full grown whole-hog Tories and Radicals from that dis- tant but turbulent colonv, would be a valuable addi- tion to the British museum, in its natural history de- partment. I will describe them, that you may make no mistake in the selection. A colonial super-ulti i • high Tory is of the genus blockhead, species ape. li is psylodactilus or long-fingered, and the largest animal of the kind yet known. It has great powers of imita- tion, a strong voice and the most extravagant anceit. It is a timid creature, slow in its movements, and some- what inactive, and lives in perpetual alarm of ambush. It cannot see distinctly by day, and its eyes resemble those of an owl. It has two cutting teeth in front of each jaw. The ears are large, round and naked, and 6# 'i THE LETTER-BAG OF ' the coat is soft, silky and rich. Its proportions are not good, and its sagacity greatly inferior to the European species. It is voracious, and very savage when feed- ing. The ultra-low radical is of the species rari, its colours consisting of a patched distribution of black, dirty white, and grey, though its real or natural colour is supposed to be black. It is known to be of a fierce and almost untameable nature. It moves in large droves, when it is very mischievous, exerting a voice so loud and powerful, as to strike astonishment and terror into those who hear it, resembling in this respect, as well as in its habits, the radical and chartist of England. It is impatient of control, but exhibits a sullen submis- sion under firm treatment, though upon the slightest indulgence, or relaxation of discipline, it turns on its keeper with great fury. Its habits are predatory, its appetites unclean and ravenous, and its general appear- ance disgusting. You may find some of each in New Brunswick, though perhaps not so full ffrown as in that land of pseudo patriots and sympathisers, Canada. Pray, send a good specimen of both varieties to the Trustees, for people in England ridicule the idea that there is room or suitable food for either in British America, the climate and soil of which, they maintain, is not congenial to them. Alas ! for poor human nature, man is the same on both sides of the Atlantic. Paradise was not good enough for some people ; but they were served just as they ought to have been — they were walked out of it« The lumber duties will not be altered this year, and we shall obtain that respite from the fears of the specu- lative writers of the present day, that their senso of justice or knowledge of business would fail to obtain for us. Afraid to refuse, yet unwilling to give, they get credit neither for their firmness nor their liberality. The unsteady conduct of these fellows reminds me of a horse that is not way-wise. When he gets snubbed in one gutter, he jumps over to the other, and is never It and terror THE GREAT WESTERIT. er in the straight road at all ; and M^hen you give him the thong, he rears up, refuses to draw, and kicks the car- riage to pieces ; resolved, that as he cannot take the load himself, no one else shall -do it for him. But more of this when we meet. In the mean time, I have the pleasure to subscribe myself. Yours truly, ^ Oliver Quaco. ^■w No. VIII. i '■'■-.'' '••^^-^^ ■: .LETTER ■:-■;-■■■.••■• '^-' ■• ■ FROM AN ABOLITIONIST TO A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT. ''■./-. My dear Sir — • ' • Having brought the emancipation of our sable coloured brethren in the West Indies to a happy ter- mination, I have resolved to undertake a peregrination into the United States, for a similar purpose ; animated to this philanthropic work by a feeling of inextinguish- able hatred of that remorseless, antichristian, and damnable traffic in human life — the slave trade. Their day of liberty is just about to dawn in full splendour. When I observe our friend Cassius receive at his levees and balls in those Islands, the coloured, on an equal footing with their white brethren, and his amiable part- ner walking arm-in-arm with the sable female (proba- bly the descendant of a long line of African princes), to the amazement and consternation of the whites, and in defiance of the odours which must be admitted to emanate from them, not only by those who espouse them, but by those who espouse their cause, I bless him, I congratulate the world, and, above all, I felici- \ 68 THE LETTER-BAO OF tate the nobility, that the partition wall has been broken down, that colour and odour make no distinction, and that instead of a few black legs (the utmost advance that has hitherto been made in the higher circles), we shall see numerous black Peers among the new crea- tions. And who shall pronounce that they are not worthy of being the associates of at least some that are to be found there 'i None, sir, none will dare to insinuate it, but those who are themselves unworthy. Why should they spurn those to whom some of their number owe their own elevation? Is it not to the agi- tation of this emancipation, to the appeals to the sym- pathy and religious prejudices, and (I hope I am not uncharitable) to the cant of the day, that some people are indebted for their own station ? Why then reject those equal in rights — equal in mental and superior in bodily powers? Jamaica presents a prospect that cannot fail to re- joice the heart of the true philanthropist. Already have the exports of the island fallen more than one half, and will shortly cease altogether. Is not this a proof that these unfortunate beings, the blacks, must have been compelled to work beyond what was neces- sary? for now, when left to themselves, there is no inducement that either ambition or avarice can dis- cover, sufficient to make them work at all. From which the inference is plain, that Providence never intended they should work. What an earthly elysiUm this island will soon become, when, like St. Domingo, it is left to spontaneous production ! When nature will supply their wants, and they can roam at large like birds of the air, and the animals of the field, and the voice of complaint shall be drowned in one universal chorus of song! When hand in hand, the natives, like our first parents in Paradise, knowing not the artificial wants of clothes, shall have their couches of rose-leaves, their beverage of the cool streams, or still cooler fountain, and gather their food from the limbs of trees that hang THE GREAT WESTERIT. !# over them, inviting and soliciting them to pluck and eat ! Can imagination picture any thing equal to such \ scene of rural felicitv as this 1 Even the restraints ol' our moral code will be wanting, for morals are ai uficial and conventional. Where there is no property there can be no theft, where there is no traffic there can be no fraud, and where nature supplies freely and abun- dantly all wants, there will be no restrictive matri- mony, for marriage is a civil obligation, arising from the necessity of providing for a family. Each one will follow the dictates of his own inclinations. Love will have no fetters to impede his gambols, affection will alone be consulted. The eye will choose, and the heart ratify all connubial contracts, and when the eye is sated, and the heart cooled, both parties will sepa- rate without a sigh, and without a struggle, each one free like the birds of the air, to spend a succeeding season with a new mate, and no murmur and no jeal- ousy shall be heard. There will be no property in the heart, no slavery in the affections, but there will be what many nations boast of, but alas, what few pos- sess ; freedom ! unlimited, unrestricted, absolute free- dom ! freedom of thought, freedom of action ! What a realization of all our hopes, what a happy termina- tion of all their wrongs and sufferings ! Succeeding ages will admire and applaud, and heaven will bless these noble designs. Impressed with this view of it — happy in being the agent in promoting such sublunary felicity, I propose visiting the States, for there, too, are exalted spirits, true patriots, noble philanthropists, who, unshackled by paltry considerations of property, would break down all distinctions as we have done, and as the beam has hitherto inclined to the whites, now give it a counter- poise altogether in favour of the blacks. It is not a subject for equalization, for studying balances, and for making nicely adjusted scales. We must go the whole figure, as they express it. But, my good friend, this is 70 THE LETTER-BAG OF a dangerous country. The planters are a fierce and impetuous people, and will not bear tampering with as our colonists do. We must unite the gentleness of the dove with the wiliness of the serpent. I propose commencing the Southern tour first, and, using West India tactics, I shall mount the pulpit. Without a di- rect appeal to the passions of the blacks, I will inflame their imagination. I will draw a picture of their free- dom in another world, that will excite them in this. I will describe Sin as a task-master ; I will paint that task-master in a way, that the analogy cannot be mis- taken for their own masters, and in colours that can- .not fail to rouse their imaginations and passions, and advise them to throw off the yoke of the oppressor ; in short, I will keep within the law, and effect that which is without the pale of it. When I reach the non-slave-holding states, where my person will be se- cure from violence, I will speak openly. I will draw ideal picture*? of distress from the stores of fancy, and talk in touching terms of broken hearts, unwholesome exhalations, burning suns, putrid food, unremitting toil, of remorseless masters, unfeeling mistresses, and licentious manners. I will then put in practice the happy and successful ruse I adopted in England. I will produce a prodigious whip with wire thong, and ponderous manacles, and thumb-screws of iron, fabri- cated for the occasion, and exhibiting them to the au- dience, appeal at once to their feelings as men and as christians! That I shall succeed, I make no doubt, and I shall have the pleasure, occasionally, of sending to you an account of my doings. I have availed my- self of your kind permission, to draw upon the funds of the society for five hundred pounds, to defray my necessary expenses in this great and holy work — a work which, I must say, sanctifies the means. What a glorious retrospect is the past ! how full of hope and happiness is the prospect of the future ! The West Indies arc free. The East is free. And Ame- THE GREAT WESTERN. rica is soon to be liberated, also. That we were to be assailed by calumny, to be denounced as incendiaries, and persecuted as felons, for our part in this great political regeneration, was to be expected. Our ene- mies, and the enemies of reform, have made a great handle of the murder of Lord Norbury, which awk- ward affair has never been placed in its proper light. It was a death, and nothing but a death ; but what is it more than that of any other individual? Is the life of a peer of more vaUie than that of a peasant? It is a life, a unit, not distinguished from any other unit, but because there is a nought in its head. One of the op- pressors is gone — and gone suddenly : so have many of the oppressed gone, likevVise ; and yet the death of this aristocrat makes more noise than them all. Rank toryism, this, which thinks of nothing but rank ; and impiously asserts there is rank in heaven — for there are angels, and archangels, there. To be free, is not to be oppressed ; to remove oppression, is an act of freedom ; but an act of freedom is not murder. Mur- der is of malice aforethought ; but where principle, and not malice, removes a man, it is not murder, but the effect of political difference. I do not approve of it in detail, for I doubt its policy and efficacy, so long as the power of creating peers remains in the crown ; but still this is not a case for pious horror, but rather for regret. There is no robbery, no sordid motive, no mean, vulgar plunder attending it. It was the deliber- ate act of an exalted mind ; mistaken, perhaps, but of high feeling, intense patriotism, and of Roman virtue. It was Brutus preferring Rome to Ca3sar. It was a noble deed, but rather philosophical, perhaps, than re- ligious. Sordid politicians cannot understand it, cow- ards dread it, and bigots denounce it. Few of us, perhaps, are sufficiently devoted, or enlightened, pub- licly to applaud — to say that we sanction it, or would achieve it ourselves; but, whatever we may think of the act, abstractedly, we cannot but admire the firm- 72 THE LETTER-BAO OF ness, the nobleness, and the elevation of the perpetrator. He was a true patriot. He was right — heaven will reward him; if he was in error, his motive will be respected, and he will be pitied and forgiven. So, in Canada, the burning out of the vile conservative loy- alist, is not arson, for it is not malicious ; and the secret removal of them to another world, not murder, but constitutional amelioration. Great allowance must be made for the warmth of political excitement. A Lount may despatch those whom the press denounces. That noble-minded man. Brougham, has thus considered it; the perpetrators have been pardoned ; the jails have been thrown open, and the patriots set at large, to commence anew their great moral and political refor- mation. If this is right in Canada, how can it be wrong in Ireland? and if right in Canada and Ireland, how can it be wrong in the southern states of America? The laws of justice are uniform and universal. What is Lord Norbury more, than Chartrand, or Lord Glenelg more than Shoultz — unit for unit — tit for tat — a Row- land for an Oliver. Necessity has no law ; but even in the eye of the law, it is said, all men are equal. In the eye of heaven we know they are. The peer and the peasant are both equal, then, as far as killing goes; and killing, no murder, as far as the absence of per- sonal malice goes. Under these circumstances, let us persist in aiding, by all means, similar to those resorted to in Canada, our devoted sable brethren of the south. Should a few of their masters be removed, it is but the natural consequence of the system, and not of the reform ; and the roots, if traced, will be found to spring from the foetid soil of slavery, and not from the virgin mould of freedom. In burning off the stubble, who ever doubted a few ears of grain would be consumed, or in cutting down the weeds, that a few blades of grass were to be sacrificed? — none but fools or idiots. In my next I shall give you a detail of my proceed- THE GREAT WESTERN. 73 ings. At present I have left myself barely room enough to subscribe myself Your much attached and sincere friend, Joseph Locke. Extract from a JVeivspaper published at Vixhvrg, under date of the 22d May, 1839. We regret to state that this city was thrown into great confusion and alarm yesterday, by the discovery of a plot for an insurrection of the negroes, the mur- der of the whites, and the destruction of the place by fire. It was clearly traced to have originated with a fanatical English abolitionist, of the name of Joseph Locke, who expiated on the gallows, in the summary manner prescribed by " Judge Lynch," this atrocious offence against the laws of God and man. On his per- son was found the draft of a letter addressed by nim to a member of the British Parliament (whose name for the present we withhold), not merely admitting the part he was about to take in this infernal work, but ac- tually justifying murder and arson as laudable acts, when resorted to in the cause of reform. He had an opportunity offered to him yesterday by our indignant citizens, of testing the truth of his principles and the soundness of his reasoning. It is to be hoped, for his own sake, his views underwent no change in his last moments. X*. \ 74 THE LETTER-BAO OF No. IX. LETTER FROM A CADET OF THE GREAT WESTERN TO HIS MOTHER. Dear Mother — As I intend to get out as soon as we get into New York, and look for a packet for England, I write this letter that I may pack it off to you as soon as possible. Don*t be afraid that I am going to spin a long yarn. I shall merely send you a few matters I have entered in my log, on which I intend to extend a protest against the owners, captain, ship, and all persons concerned. Putting midshipmen on board a steamer to make sea- men of them, is about on the same ground tier with sending marines to sea to teach them to march. No- body but them land lubbers, the Directors, would ever think of such a thing ; but you shall judge for your- self which way to steer in this affair, when you hear what I have to say and see how the breakers look when laid down on the chart. We have had a long voyage of twenty-two days. Ever since we tripped our anchor at Bristol, my heels have been tripped instead, and I have learned pretty well what a trip at sea means. Our mess is forward, and a pretty mess we have made of it, not being much more forward ourselves than when we started. The sea has washed off all our crockery. Broken dishes float about the floor, till the cabin looks like a river " Plate." I am nearly as bad off myself, for I sleep so wet I am all in " Shivers." Our breakfast cups are tea-totally broke, though we have seen no breakers ; THE GREAT WESTERN. fi ESTERN t into New ; write this ig possible, long yarn, ve entered est against concerned, make sea- d tier with irch. No- »vould ever for your- you hear akers look -two days. my heels ■ned pretty forward, eing much •ted. The ken dishes ke a river for I sleep }t cups are breakers ; and our sugar, as the member of parliament that used to dine with Pa, said of the house, is either dissolved or pro-* rogued,* I don't know which. Our decanters and tumblers are all in pieces and tumbled overboard, which happens so often that I suppose it is the reason why people call it the glassy surface of the sea. My head is all covered with bumps, not to mention other places, and the older boys laugh when I complain, and call me a country bump-kin, and the doctor says they are so well developed that they would be a valuable study for bump-ology. My messmates' buttons have G. W. on them, which means ' great wags,' and when they don't know what game to play, they make game of me and play the devil. We have black things on board with long legs, through which we learn to take the sun, called ♦ making an observation,' though we are not allowed to speak. This instrument they call a * sexton,' because we have to look so grave ; and when the appointed time is come which comes alike to all, the sexton is useful, to tell us how long we are from our long homes, that we may calculate the length of our days, make our crooked ways straight, and never lose sight of the latter end of our voyage. They have a chip tied to a string, which they call a log, and throw into the water to tell how fast the vessel goes : my business is to haul it in. I begin at this work as soon as we leave Chip- stow, and I assure you it chops my hands before long, and if I cry (as I do sometimes) with pain, the boat- swain threatens to slap *my chops' for blubbering. The string has knots in it, and every mile she goes is called a knot. The more she does not go, the faster she goes, which would puzzle them that were not used to such knotty things. Every old thing almost has a new name on board of a ship. What do you think they call watches, and how do you suppose they are made ? Why, four men and an officer make a watch, or, as they say, a watch 78 THK LBTTER-BAO OF with four hands. It is a very hard case for a watch that has to turn up in the night. They try every plan in the world to plague us : whenever it is dark and 1 can't see my hand before me, I am sent to the bow and desired to " keep a sharp look-out." The sea breaks over me there and wets me through, and when I com- plain of it the captain laughs and says " you are a dry fellow." The short watches are called the dog waiches, because the hands are only " tarriers" for half the time the others are. They are well named, for one leads the life of a dog here, and we become growlers, every one of us. As for me, I have charge of the captain's jolly-boat, which I am told is quite an honour. My business is to set him ashore, and then to set myself in the stern for two hours, whistHng "by moonlight alone," till he comes back. Very 'jolly' work, this. He calls us his * jolly tars,' out of fun. I nope, dear mother, if you have any regards for me, you will take me out of this Steamer. I look hke a blackguard and feel like one. The captain calls me a 'smutty rascal.' I don't like such names; but every one is smutty and can't help it. The shrouds are smutty, the ropes are smutty, and the sails are smutty, and, to have things of a piece, they have a parcel of smutty mulatto girls on board. I wipe more smut on my face with a towel, than I wash off with the water ; and smut my shirt more in putting it on, than in wear- ing it. You will hardly believe it, but my very talk is smutty. I look like a chimney-sweep, for though I do not sweep flues, as he does, the flues sweep me, and both of us go to pot. I am so covered with soot, I am afraid of a spark setting me a-fire, and then I should be a " suttee." The steam ruins every thing in the ship. Our store- room and berths are back of the boiler, and are so hot, our candles, that used sometimes to walk off, now run before they are lit ; our butter undertakes to spread, ^^^~ "or a watch every plan dark and 1 he bow and sea breaks hen I com- u are a dry 3g waiches, alf the time >r one leads vlers, every 3 jolly-boat, usiness is to he stern for ne," till he calls us his regards for I look like in calls me but every irouds are are smutty, a parcel of re smut on the water; m in wear- very talk is hough I do 3p me, and soot, I am sn I should Our store- are so hot, now run I to spread, THE GREAT WESTERIT. 77 itseli ,; my boots are dissolved into jelly — but it is boot- less to complain. The knives and forks which used to assist us in eating; are now eat up, themselves, with rust. Not a single bit of our double Gloucester is left, but has made its * whey * with itself. Our tea leaves us ; it has distilled away, and the leaves are all that is left. The stewardess laments her lost ♦ bo — he.' Keep- ing our eggs under hatches, has hatched our eggs ; and we have had to shell-out our cash for nothing but shells. My new coat, a moving * tale,' reveals — even guilt, that was so glaring, is now ' guiltless,' and its ♦ mould ' buttons are, themselves, covered with ' mould.' The cape has become a ♦ Cape de Verde ;' every one com- plains of my * choler ;' and the sleeve is no longer a laughing matter. My hat has ' felt ' the change, and, as well as myself, would be noiie the worse of a longer *nap;' while my gloves are so shrunk, they have ceased to be • handy.' I have not been mortified by having * my feet in the stocks,' but my shoes are so bad, I am often in my stock-in-feet — I am, ' upon my sole,' and there is no help for it. The clerk gives us lessons that he calls lectures, so that all the spare time we have from working the ship, is spent in working ' more,' which works us up, so, we have become * spare' ourselves. To give three hundred pounds for the pri- vilege of working like fun for nothing, for the Great Westerns, for three years, was about as good a jokv?, dear ma, as was ever passed off upon an affection- ate mother. Whoever put that into your head, put you into his pocket ; for, after all, it is only a kit- chen on a large scale, with steam-cooking apparatus of great dimensions. A man can never rise, whose work is all below ; and he who succeeds, and gets at the top of the pot, makes but a pretty kettle of fish of it, at last. No, dear mother, remove me, I beseech you, for I am tired of these trips, these parties of plea- sure, these Western tours. I shall want a new out-fit when I return — an entire new kit, and a complete set 7* 78 THE LETTER-BAG OF of traps. My old ones, if wrung-out, will give * creo* sote' enough to buy new ones. The ship joggles so, I can't write straight ; and I have got so used to the trembles, that mv hand shakes like palsy — there aint a steady hand on board. They say a rolling stone gathers no moss ; how that is, I don't know, as I never saw one that kept rolling about ; but I know that a rolling limb loses a great deal of skin. My sea chest is growing fast into a hair trunk. It is already covered with the sKin of my shins, and, in this hot, greasy place, the hair will, doubtless, soon begin to grow upon it. We have " fresh rolls " every minute ; and a man may well be said to urn his wages, who does nothing but boil water all day. The sun has tanned all my skin, and the steamed oak has tanned all my clothes ; the consequence is, my linen is all leather, and I am become a shining charac- ter and a polished gentleman. I am a nigger ; * man- cipate * me, dear ma, for you know not what I suffer. AH the water is so hot, it scalds ; all the iron so heated, it burns ; while the whole ship hisses at you. The tar bubbles up through the seams, and your feet stick fast to the planks ; and when you complain, they tell you, you are an upright man, steadfast and immoveable; but, being "decked up,' is not so pleasant as you'd think. I 'd a thousand times rather be • tricked out,' which I intend to be, when I return. I have no ob- jection to stick to my profession, but I don't wish to stick in it ; and its no use to talk of promotion to a man who can't get a step. Though I often get a wigging, I can no longer comb my hair, for it has become a pitch plaster, and my head looks like a swab of oakum dipped in tar. It is humbling to think I should be so disgraced, as to make it my whole study how to * pick a lock.' Ward off this disgrace, dear ma, for you can't judge of officers afloat, from what you see of them ashore. They put on sea-manners with sea-clothes ; and instead of look- be hi *^ THE GREAT WESTERIT. 70 give * creo- joggles 80, 1 used to the •there aint a s ; how that kept rolling a great deal a hair trunk. r shins, and, ubtless, soon rolls" every •71 his wages, the steamed [uence is, my nirig charac- ^ger; 'man- vhat I suffer. tn so heated, )U. The tar eet stick fast ley tell you, mmoveable ; nt as you'd ricked out,' liave no ob- on't wish to on to a man )nger comb ;r, and my tar. It is 1 as to make Ward off of officers They put lad of look- ing as bright as King of Hearts, as they do in harbour, they look as black as the Ace of Spades at sea. When I first came alongside to look at the ship, they steered for the cabin, haibd the steward, and hove-to abreast of the table, where they broached the locker, and boused-out champaigne and hock, which they over- hauled in great style, and stowed-away with a ration of cake and negus. It was all as quiet as a calm, and no cats-paw a moving on the vvater. The last thing a man would dream of in such weather was a squall ahead. But when I came on board with my traps, and was regularly entered in the ship's books, and we fairly got under way, it was no longer * what cheer, messmate?' but luffing- up, and hailing in a voice of thunder, "I say, youngster, what the devil are you doing there ? you land-lubber rascal you ; if you don't go forward and attend to your duty, sir, I *m damned if I don't give you a taste of the rope's end." So, dear mother, as soon as we heave in sight of England, hang out a signal for a boat-ashore, and just as we round-to at the dock, take your departure for home, and let me pull in your wake after you, that's a dear, good mother, is the constant prayer of Your dutiful son, VlLLIERS SCROOOINS. \ 80 THE LETTER-BAO OF "H.. No. X. LETTER .--?[■ v PROM A LAWYER'S CLERK. Dear Saunders — Notwithstanding father's having issued his *ne exeat regno ' when I applied for ' leave to move ' here, [ am safe and sound " within the limits " of the Great Western, and bound " beyond sea." I assure you, this ship is no "clausum" frigid, but as regular a " fiery facias " as you would desire to see, a perfect hot-hell, as the Scotch call it, or, as they might, with more propriety say, "an auld reeky ;" but what we of the temple, call an immense "flotsam." As our policy is to go straight, and not " extra viam," there is little fear of a " deviation," and so I presume we shall have a short, as well as a pleasant voyage. The " bar I try " of the steward, being covered by the " Premium," I will probably endeavour to illustrate the meaning of that term ere long; at present, whatever I eat, is * served ' with an immediate * ejectment,' and although I am constantly in the act of drinking, and desirous of ♦ taking the benefit of the act,' yet I do not find it, as I fondly hoped and expected, * an act for quieting pos- session ;' and I must say, that in my present situation, I much prefer a * retainer' to a ' refresher.' How often, dear Saunders, have I been tempted in days by gone, to throw " Coke " into the fire ! and I assure you, it is quite delightful to see with how little ceremony they do it here. If the great text-writer were on board with his bulky conimentator, he would dislike 'Coke upon Littleton ' as much as others do, and stand quite as good a chance of being floored, as his juniors. Al- >■ .•* n AJ THE GREAT MTESTERN. 61 L ued his *ne nove ' here, if the Great assure you, 5 regular a }, a perfect might, with ut what we I." As our m," there is me we shall The " bar I Premium," meaning of r I eat, is ,nd although desirous of find it, as I uieting pos- ; situation, I How often, ys by gone, re you, it is emony they e on board slike ' Coke stand quite uniors. Al- though we have no * jury box,' we have a 'jury-mast,* and yet there is, I regret to say, no exemption from being often " empannelled," as numerous * indentures * in my sides and * postea,' bear painful testimony. You take your place here opposite your berths, but as the ♦ benchers * have dropped off fast, there is rapid pro- motion towards the head of the saloon. As I was late, 1 am low down on the list, for they * forestalled ' all the good places, by ♦ entering an appearance first,* and there is no changing the * venue ' allowed here without consent, or, in case of * non-residence.* This * rule is peremptory,' and, like poverty, brings you ac- quaintance with strange company. There are many things I shall enter into my ♦ demurrer book,' relative to the accommodation on board of this ship so, that if I ever have a * venire de novo ' on board of her, I may be more comfortable. One of the first would be, to move a " repeal of the black act," for I protest against African servants, as strongly as a quaker does against slaves. They are excessively disagreeable, and I sliall serve Captain Claxton with a * notice of enquiry ' on this subject, and he may * move to amend,' if he thinks proper. As things now stand, it is perfectly absurd for him to make declarations * de bene esse,' and to state to the public, that the committee are disposed to go • any extent in aid ' of the passengers, when he suffers the cabin to be perfumed, and the company poisoned by these oily, itchi-nous negroes. He ought to be given to understand, and indeed, made ♦ scire fa- cias,' that as we pay in * a large sum of money,' there is * no justification' that can be pleaded, or any • ex- honoretur entered ' for any act of the steward or his partners ; in short, for nothing that happens on board, ' except under the Lord's act.' Another objection that I shall take, is the fa^ty, with which people in the adjoining cabins and ! Jfcin- age*' have * oyer' of all you say, and by * suggesting breaches' in the partition, may * inspect' your * proceed- 'pi 82 THE LETTER-BAG OF ings' a * recognoisance' that is not very pleasant, espe- cially as the object of all privacy is to avoid having "nul tiel record" of your sayings and doings. — Al- though no man is more reluctant, than I am to take exceptions, especially while " in transitu" or more dis- posed to take things as I find them, yet in justice to myself, I must have "a certiorari to remove such causes" of complaint, as a 'teste* of my being in earnest to prevent imposition. * If the question can be put at all,' I should like to ask, and I think I have * a right to put it,* why the bread is so badly baked? When I complained of it to the steward, he had the insolence to reply that it was made soft intentionally for the use of the young " John Does" on board, but that he " would strike me off the rolls" if I did not like them, and in case I preferred, what he understood, few lawyers did, * a consolidated action,' my ' daily allow- ance of bread' should be toasted. It is natural I should feel crusty at such impertinence and wish * a stay of proceedings' of this nature. Indeed I have grown so thin I feel entitled to bring an action on the case against the captain. I shall have a * devastavit* against the steward, for the wine is flat, stale, and unprofitable, in consequence of the insufficiency of the " estopples" which are most inartificially drawn, and * absque tali causa' would be better with the ' clerk of the pipes.' There are several ladies on board * feme seule' and 'feme couverte,' but as I have no intention to be " ungues accouple" for at least " infra sex annos," my master will have no occasion to be alarmed at it as an act " per quod servitium amisit." They are however a very agreeable " set oflf" of a * dies non' on shipboard to the "prolixity" of our "procedings." My "prochien ami" is a girl of eighteen years of age, beautiful as a houri : but alas ! she has not only " nulla bona" of whiSi I could have an immediate " habere facias pos- sesswiiem," but unfortunately " nil habet in tenemen- tes," or I do not know that I would not perpetrate TUE GREAT WESTERN. B3 marriage with her * nunc protunc,' but really I have no idea of committing an unprofessional and I may add ungentlemanlike " misjoinder" with poverty. If I can- not live in proper style when married, and as become? a person of my station in life, I prefer not having " an attachment" at all, which in such case would be liter- ally as well as figuratively "a criminal proceeding." — Matrimony is a great " limitation of action ;" it is very apt to involve a man in that most disagreeable and dis- reputable affair "a distress for rent," and what perhaps is more fatal to his success in life, to being frequently " overruled" and having his "judgment reversed" with- out even the usual formalities of having "cause shown" — but if I could find a girl (and I say this in the strictest confidence of professional secresy,) who had never 'given a cognovit' to any other practitioner, and who could convince me that " nil debit" that she had in her own and not in " auter droit" a sufficiency of " assets" and a respectable sum of money in hand arising from some good and valid " last tvill and testamenV^ in ad- dition to the " estate in tail," why then, my dear fel- low, let " me confess" at once that if this were the case, and " site fecit securum" I should make no objec- tion to a " procedendo," and bringing the suit to " issue" at once without waiting for leave of " principals." — It is a way of getting into " the stocks" at once legal and honourable, and of all money — I know of none so easy to be obtained, or so pleasant to spend as matri- " money." The ' usual costs' arising from marriage " mensa et thoro" are not easy to be conceived, and although I have reason to fear I shall begin life, I have no wish to terminate it "in forma pauperis ;" for you must admit there is a wide difference between having " bills taxed" (a species of amusement to which you never "except") and being 'taxed \\\\h bills.^h|^t present therefore I am not disposed to give i^jj^HIr one a " notice of trial," but rather to insist on *^[^n pros." . * ^it,^ 84 THE LETTER-BAG OF ■isv Talking of pleading, puts me in mind of ' an issue' joined with a shark which we " capiased" to-day. In the first attempt, he made " an escape," but was • re- taken' on a * new trial.' He is one of that species that sailors call " honest lawyers." He was dreadfully con- vulsed (though not with laughter) and struggled to " rescue" himself for a long time, nor ceased till he died ; but " actio personalis moritur cum persona." It is my intention to visit Massachusetts (d. massa- choose-it) and Connecticut (d. connexion-I-cut), and when there, to study their laws and jurisprudence, for " non sum informatus" on this subject ; and I trust my father will approve of my not losing sight of my vo- cation while thus employing my * vacation.' When I obtain answers to all my interrogatories "concerning these matters, I will put you into posses- sion" of them. In the mean time, " arrest your judg- ment." The only point not necessary to " reserve," is the truth with which I am, dear Saunders, Yours always, Richard Roe. No. XL LETTER FROM A TRAVELLER BEFORE HE HAD TRAVELLED. My dear Mag — v My Publisher has had the assurance to make an e^ ^Mi of my never having been in America, to offer miHHjj^ half price for my travels, and I have therefore concl^ed to make a flying visit to that country, so as V THE GREAT WESTERI7. 85 * an issue' 0-day. In at was * re- ipecies that idfuUy con- ruggled to ised till he jrsona." (d. massa- I-cut), and udence, for [ I trust my of my vo- jrrogatories into posses- your judg- reserve," is iRD Roe. [E HAD "to make an 5a, to offer le therefore ]ntry, so as " to give a face" to them. It was in vain that I pro- tested that people who had never seen the Colonies, made capital speeches, wrote elegant dispatches, and framed Constitutions for them ; that one man who had only seen Canada from a steam-boat and the Castle windows, described Nova Scotia and the United States, neither of whicii he had ever been in, and drew a mi- nute comparison of their general appearance and the habits and feelings of the people ; that another was seized in bed in llomney Marsh, and sent out to North America as a Governor; and in short, that personal knowledge and practical experience were apt only to engender prejudice and cloud the understanding. He admitted it all, but said he wanted to have " incidents of travel," striking sketches and living caricatures, to make the work take, to give it effect ; in short, some- thing new, something that would cover untrodden ground. I am therefore off in the Great Western, and I hope to scour the country in eight weeks, by starting at once, after my arrival, for the extreme points. I shall in a few days reach the pjciiries by means of rail-roads and canals, from whence I will dash in among the Pawnees, and kill a buffalo, and from the hunters I will get all I want to fill up the detail. I will then visit the scenes of recent disturbance in Canada, and obtain an interview with some of the rebel leaders, and by thus dwelling on opposite r)oints, give a magnificent idea of the extent of ground I have gone over. I have had the book all ready written for some months past, at least all the laborious parts of it, and have nothing to fill in but the jests and the anecdotes. I have avoided the rambling mode adopted by Hall, Hamilton, and Marryat, and have given it an elaborate scientific and analytical division, as follows: 1st Book embrac geographical position and natural resources, ar^ population. 2d. Political statistics, including ment, revenue and expenditure, civil, military and na- imc ana acMghc 86 THE LETTER-BAG OP val afTdirs. 3d. Moral statistics, (that is a title will please the rads. vastly^ including religion and educa- tion. 4th. Medical statistics, including comparative mortality, &c. 5th. Economical statistics, including agriculture, manufactures, navigation, trade, &c. All this is done, and is, in my opinion, devilish well done, for a man who knows nothing about it, but the United Stales almano^'is, road manuals, newspapers and guide books, have furnished abundant, and, I am inclined to think, authentic infor^iation. it is but to hash up the cold collations of my prede- cessors. The deductions and theories from these facts, I leel I can draw as well in London as in America. Ln this the publishers agree, but they say they want lif^; "verisimilitude," is their word, and "striking In.-'Jdents." The politics are on the safe side — ultra- indicals. I have applied a sledge-hammer to the church in the colonies ; blown up the rectories, and clergy reserves, sky-high ; gone the whole figure for responsible governments; (though between you and me, and the post, I can't, for the soul of me, under- stand the difl'erence between that, in the sense demand- ed, and independence,) for ballot, universal suffrage, and short parliaments ; and illustrated these things by their practical working in the new states of /\ijcrica. As respects the house of Lords, that is a delicate sub- ject. My friend .... fell foul of it, and charged it with legislnting in ignorance and inattention. This course ma . do for hirn, but. for cbvions reasons, I think it imprudent in r^e. His section is the most aris- tocratic of the parties at pres-^it, and I doubt if il would serve my turn \o fol] av him The church is p different thing. That ;s fair gamt • ind I am, in t'l, liberal a^o, backed b' jij^h r.dthoiitv, for civinsr it no qi jlHay . Besides, it vi not a " church militant. ' I have gJB^feyond BroughaiT i-i this, who swears it was the chtwllp which was the cause of the rebellion in Canada. As respects the state of slavery in the States, I have THE GREAT WESTERIT. &$> gathered anecdotes on board, from some travellers, that are capital, especially of Jefferson selling his own children — flogging others, and playing the very devil ; of a descendant of Washington being a slave and set up at auction ; and of a white wife being compelled to wait upon the black mistress of her husband, and so on. Talking of slaves, reminds me of the Barbadoes Globe of the 15th August, which I send you. Read the sermon of an abolition captain Somebody. It is capital. I wish it served our views to insert it : if it did, I would do so, for it would make an excellent ar- ticle, particularly where he points to one of their mas- ters, and tells the negroes they must not kill bin — must not hate him for his cruelties, and so on ; like the old story of not ducking the pick-pocket. It is magnificent ! That fellow ought to head a commission — the quakers should put him into parliament. Of lynching, I have got some choice stories; and will endeavour to pass through the state where they took place, to give them from the spot. Of the bowie- knife — Arkar. -aw tooth-pick, and other stillettoes, in use among the settlers on the Indian borders, I im- ported T. specimen when I began the work, and had drawings mudt In London. On waste lands in the co- lorjies, soljj peeph we wot of, have made capital speeches, I ui drrstand, as I have written my book from official returns, a:,d fancy. I hear they are right in part, and in "jirt wrong; the right part, every body knew — the wrong, no body ever hoard of before. I will "discuss mrs' learnedly" on this rratter. I can boast, now, that I am an eye-witness. Ego tc intus et in cute novi; which is more than either of them can say, at any rdl3. I have made out the following list of subjects for nnecdotes, which, like a cork jacket, will mf ke the body oi' the book float lightly. Th^ ap- petite of the public is liku that of the boa-const||qtor, it is not LnJsfied with less than the whole 'hog. Lvnchin?^ — spitting — gouging — steam-boats blown up 88 THE LETTEU-BAO OP I il; — slavery — sales and breeding of slaves — licentious manners of the South — slang expressions of the East and West — border doings in Canada — Clay — President — Webster — ignorance of the fine arts — bank frauds — land frauds — stabbing with knives — dinner toasts — floffi'in;? in the United States navv — voluntarv svstem — advantage of excluding clergymen from sciiools, in- stance, Girard's College, &c. — cruelty to Indians — ra- venous eating — vulgar familiarity — boarding houses — list of names of drink — watering places — legislative anomalies, and tricks of log-rolling bills — anecdotes of Papineau — Sir John Colborne and Lord Durham — and some few of woman, perhaps, the most attractive of all. These I can gather from travellers, and from par- ty-men, who, in all countries, never spare their oppo- nents; and from country journals, and the speeches of mob orators. It will spice the work, afford passages for newspaper puffs and paragraphs, and season the whole dish. All this can be accomplished in eight vi^eeks, easily. The Americans live in steam-boats, rail-cars, stage- coaches, and hotels, so that I shall see them at home while travelling, and of their domestic manners, ask freely of any one I meet. It is not necessary to give dates ; no one will know when I arrived, when I de- parted, or how long I was in the country. Dates are awkward boys, they are constantly getting between your legs and throwing you down. I will give the whole a dash of the democracy of the new school, be- ing both anti-church and anli-tory, in my opinion. I will talk of general progression — of ri3form measures — of the folly of finality, and so on. It will take, my dear boy — it will do. — I shall go down as well as any ultra- Liberal of the day. I think 1 see the notices of it al- ready : — Tnis is a great work. — Sun. This work is eminently entitled to public favour. — Weekly Dispatch. THE ORBAT WESTERN. —licentious jf the East —President nk frauds — er toasts — tary system schools, in- ndians — ra- ng houses — —legislative inecdotes of urham — and ttractive of nd from par- 5 their oppo- speechcs of )rd passages i season the eeks, easily. ■cars, stage- lem at home anners, ask |sary to give when I de- Dates are ing between ill give the school, be- opinion. I measures — ■ ke, my dear s any ultra- ces of it al- lic favour. — This is at once a profound and entertaining work. We never observed any thing before so remarkably beautiful us the illustrations. The views are distin- guished for picturesque efiect and importance of sub- ject. The drawings are accurate and exquisite. — The Town. It has been said, that Hogarth's pictures are read, and the same may be said of the prints in the volume before us. — Examiner. Of Mr. Grant's work, it is impossible to speak in terms of suflicient approbation. The enlarged views, varied and accurate information on all topics of general inter- est, and the liberal and enlightened tone of thinking, that pervades this book, justly entitle him to rank among the most profound thinkers, and successful writers, of the present day. We cordially congratu- late him on his eminent success, and the public on so valuable an addition to its literature. More we can- not say. — Satirist. This is decidedly the best book ever written on America. — Sunday Times. This work is entitled to a place by the side of Lord Durham's masterly report : higher praise it is impossi- ble to accord. — Mornirig Chronicle. Then follow " The Beauties of Grant," — how well it sounds! Think of that, master Mac. That — that — is fame. If you could get me made a member of some of the London Societies, during my absence, it would be of great service to me. An F. R. S., or M. L. S., or M. G. S. after one's name on the title-page, looks well, and what you say then, comes ex cathedra as it were. You speak as a man having authority, you are a " most potent, grave, and reverend signior," and entitled to be heard among men. I would not mind the expense of the thing, could it be managed, for the sake of the eclat it would give me and my work, and for the pleasure too of letting all the world know the fact, as my volume, I hope, cannot fail to do. 8* THE LBTTER-BAO OP m Murray's, book is dedicated to the Queen by special permission, and that alone is a featiicr in the author's cap. A book that is inscribed in this formal manner, is supposed to be read, at least, by its patron. Now, although I have no pretensions to this honour, my views ought to make my book a favourite with the parties whose cause I so strongly advocate, particu- larly that portion which demonstrates the necessity of conciliating'^ rival sects, by a total rejection of the Bible from the Common Schools of the nation ; and I con- fess, I shall entertain the hope that Lord B will interest himself to obtain for me, the special permis- sion of the Marquis of Locofoco, to dedicate my tra- vels to him. His " imprimatur" is, I admit, no great advantage in a literary point of view, but politically it is of the first importance. It will give it " the Tower mark," — it will pass current then as coin. And now, hurrah for the Pawnees — the Texans, and the Cana- dians — and Yankee town, and then for " Travels in the United States of America, the Texas and British Provinces, with minute and copious details of their geographical, political, moral, medical and economi- cal statistics, including interesting anecdotes of distin- guished living characters, incidents of travel, and a description of the habits, feelings, and domestic life of the people. Illustrated by numerous drawings and rketches taken on the spot by the author. .By Gregory Grant, F. R. S. and M. L. D. Dedicated, by special permission, to the Marquis of Locofoco." Here is the pilot on board. All is bustle and confu- sion. God bless you! dear Mac. Don't forget the F. R. S. or some other A. S. S. society. Adieu. Yours alwavs, Gregory Grant. ired Big « /.. r THE GREAT WfiSTERlT. 91 t .. 4 No. XII. H LETTER FROM A STOKER. Derb An — Last night as ever was in Bristul CaptainCJaxton ired me for to go to Americka on board this steemer Big West un as a stoker, and them as follered me all along the rode from Lunnun may foller me there two if they liks, and be damned to em and much good may it do them two, for prigging in England aint no sin in the U States were every man is free to do as he pleseth and ax no uns lif neither, and where is no peleise, nor constables, nor fleets, nor new gates, and no need of reforms. I couldnt sleep all nite for lafeing when I thort. ou they'd stare wen they eared i wass off and tuck the plate of Lord Springfield off with me and they look- ing all round Bristul and ad their panes for their trou- ble. I haven't wurk so ard sinse I rund away from farmer Doggins the nite he was noked off his orse and made to stand, and lost his purs of munny as he got fur his corn, as I av since I listed for a stoker. Ime blest if it arn't cruel ard wurk ear. I wurks in the cole ole day and nite, a moving cole for the furniss, which never goes out but burns for ever and ever, and there is no hair, it is so ot my mouth is eated so that wat I drinks smox and isses as if it wur a ort iron, and my flesh is as dry as ung beef and the only con- sholation I av is Ide a bin ung beef in ernest if they ad a nabbed me afore I left Bristul, all owin to Bill Sawyer peachin on me. No wun would no me now for I am as black as the ^v^o* IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-S) A h <' ^>. .** ^ # ^ M 1.0 1.1 12.2 ■u .•>. Warn m '. |L25|,.4,,.6 * ^ 6" ► 'V%V Hiotographic Sdences Corporation 23 WIST MAIN STRf ET WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580 (716) 872-4503 ^ 92 THE LBTTER-BAO OF »^ ace of spades as was and so is my shurt, and as for clene shetes how long wood they be clene and me in them, and my skin is cracked like roasted pig, when there be not fat enuf to baste it or yu to lazy to du it, which was often your case and well you cort it for it two, when I was out of sorts which was enuf to vex a man as risked his life to get it, and then my eyes is soar with dust as comes from the cole, and so stiff I a vent power to shute them because they be so dry, and my mouth tasts sulfur always as bad as them as goes to the devil in ernest as Sally Mander did. I have no pease at ail and will not be sorry when its over if i sur- vive it, blow me if I will. I smells like roste beaf and the rats cums smellin round me as if they'd like to ave a cut and cum agin, but they will find it a tuf business and no gravy as the french man said who lived two hull weaks on his shuse and dide wen he cum to the heles, which he said was rather two much, but I can't say I like their company a morsel more nor bill Saw- yerscs and blast me if i donte be even with him if ever he comes to Americka for that gud turn he did me in blowing on me for the silver wich if he adnt dun ide a bin living at my ease at ome with you and may be marrid you if you and the children ad behaved well and showed yourselvs wurthy of it, as it is i cant say whether we are to mete agin or not, but I will rite to you when 1 lands the plate and let you no what my prospet is in my line in New York. Then my shuse is baked so ard; they brake like py crust and my clothes wat with wat cum'd out of me like the rain at fust, and the steme that cums out likewise, which is oncredibill, and wat with the dust as cum out of the cole, is set like mortur and as stiff as sement, and stand up of themselves as strate as a Christian so they do, and if I ad your and in my and it wood melt like butter, and you that is so soft wood run away like a candel with a thief in it, so you are better off where you be than ere till I cool down agin and cum too for THE OREAT WESTERFT. 93 Pme blest if I woodnt set a bed on fire I'me so ort. This is orrid wurk for him as has more silver in his bag than arf the passengers as, and is used to do as little wurk as the best of them is. I got urted in my cheek with a stone that busted arler it got red ort in the grate, an flew out with an ex- ploshun like a busted biler, only I wish it ad been water insted, for it would ave been softer nor it was, for it was as ard as a cannon ball, it noked down to of my teeth, and then noked me down, and made a smell like searin a orse's tail with red ort iron, which is the cause of its not bleeding much, tho it swelld as big as a tur- nip, which occashuns me to keep wun eye shut, as its no use to open it, when its swelld all over it, for I cant sea. If thats the way peopel was stoned to deth, as Ive eard, when I was a boy, when there was profits in religion, it must have been a paneful end, as I no to mv cost, who was most drownded, holden my ed in a tub of water to squench the red ort stone, which made the water two ort to bear any longer, and wen I tuked it out, it was two much eated to old in my and. My feet also looks like a tin cullinder, or a sifter all full of small oles, were the red ort sinders have burned into the bone. Them as node me wunce, woodnt sware to me now, with a ole in my face as big as my mouth, that I adn't afore, and too back teeth out, as I adn*t afore, and my skin as black as ink, and my flesh like dride cod fish, and my hair dride wite and frizzed with the eat like a neagurs, or goose fethers in ort ashes to make quills ; and I'me able to drink a gallon of Por- ter without wunce taking breth, and not feel it for ewaporation, and my skin so kivered with dust and grit, you could sharpen a knife on it, and my throte furred up alike a ship's biler; and me, that cood scarcely scroudge thro a windur, that can now pass out of a kee ole and not tare my clothes in the wards. Wun cumfit is, I was not see-sick, unless being sick of sea, for I have no licked in me, for watever I eat is »• '■§* 04 THE LETTER-BAG OF baked into pot py, and no gravy, which cums off the grale eat in the ruriiiss, and burns rases no blisters, for they aint any waiter inside to make wun, only leves a mark as the ort poker does on the floor, and wen my turn cums to sleap, its no longer a turning this side and tlien that, and then rolling back again, a trying and not being able, for thinking and talking, but sleep cums afore I can ly down, and all the pellise at Bp Street woodnt wake me no more than a corpse, wen I am wunce down in ernest. If I wusn't in a urry I'd stick them up with working Hke a orse in the mail that runs day and night and never stops. It woodn't be long afore I'd nock off a bolt, or skru or nut or somethink of that kind which ud caus them to let out steam and repair, which wood give half a days rest to wun, but as its the furst and the last of my stokering, why the sunner there is an end to it the better. No man could identical me Vvith a safe conshience and no pergury, so if the Yankees spend their money as I ar heard till since I took passidge, on their backs instead of carry- ing it in their pockets, i may return after a short alibi to you and the children, which will depend on ow you aul up in time and keeps out of Low company, that is barring accidents for there is no noing what may appen, for them as carrys booy nives behind the capes of their coates, and pistuls in their pockets insted of pistoles are ugly customers, and a feller may find him- self deliverd of a mistake afore he noeth where he is, for they are apt to save the law a job are them knives, so they are, and I'de rather trust to a jug missing fire or not hitting his man any time than to side arms, for them big wigs oftener ang fire than ang a man. They are bad things them cut and thrusts for both sides, as Tom Hodge used to sav, — He who stabbeth with his tung is in no danger of being ung, but he who stabbeth with his nife is damd apt to lose his own life. When you receive this letter, go to Blackfriars, to the Swimmers, and in the four foot of the bed, in the \ " THE GREAT WESTERIT. 95 left room, in the garrit, as I used to use, when bisnis called, you will find the same oiler as in yours bed- stead, and take the gold sneezer as is there, which will raise the wind ; and be careful, as there is no noin when we may meet, or whether I will av time to send you any blunt or no, which will depend on how you conduct behind my back ; I don't mene this by way of discouragement, but to int you are too fond of drink, and keping company with needy mizlers, to kepe se- crets for any wun without bringing him to the crap. And, now that I'me in another wurld, I expect you will give luse to your own inwenshuns, which will be the ruin of you, yet, as well as them as has the pies- sure of your ackwaintance, in wich case you don't ear agin from me ; and I will luk for sum wun as nose how to place a proper valy on adwice when they gets it, which wasn't your case for sum tim gone. My present sitivashin as all cum of not noing how to be silent, or bill Sawyer cudn't av ruined me in my bis- nis — but, never mind, its a long lane that has no turn in it, as the chap sed to conshole himself in the tred- mill. Remember me to Jim Spriggins, who is the primest ruffing cove I ever shared a swag with. Tell him I 'me no transport, though I 'me bound over the water, for I 'me just visitin furrin parts, as the gents do, on account of having lived too free at home, and that I ope to nap many a reader with him yet, if Providence blesses our undertakings. So, no more at present time, from Your loving friend, •'- * Bill Holmes. f ' \ • , *v, '. ;.. , >''■* ' - '-•y i- n ,1 ■-' '0% f i .* - OG THE LETTER-BAG OF 'r*^; No. XIII. LETTER '^^ FROM A STOCKHOLDER OF THE GREAT WESTERN TO THE SECRETARY. I DULY received your favour, under date of the 30th ult. per Mr. Scribe, the clerk, which came to hand at time of sailing, and note its contents. I notice your request that I should forward to you, per first ship, via New York, that leaves after our arrival, touching at an English port, such suggestions and alterations as occur in a careful review of the fixtures, stock in hand, and miscellaneous articles on board, and have great pleasure in executing your order, and hope that the manner will prove satisfactory. The first remark on the catalogue I would offer, is upon the alarming pre- ponderance of Americans on board, they being one moiety or half part of the assortment of passengers mentioned in the bills of lading of the line cargo, the balance being made up of foreigners, provincials, and English. In the event of any sudden breaking out of hostilities, while on the passage between the two nations, as was recently feared, the provincials might sympathise with the Americans, who are troublesome customers ; and the Poles, I would stake my existence, as natural friends of liberty, having served an apprenticeship to the business, would side with them ; and the French, from their known antipathy to what they call their antiquarian enemies, the British, together with the stew- ard and his body-guard, who are all A-freco-Ameri- THE GREAT WESTERN. 97 5 GREAT ARY. J of the 30th e to hand at notice your er first ship, val, touching alterations as tock in hand, 1 have great |ope that the remark on arming pre- y being one passengers e cargo, the ivincials, and of hostilities, ions, as was ipathise with tomers; and as natural jnticeship to the French, ey call their ith the stew- freco- Ameri- cans, and whose home, if they can be said to have any, who are in bondage abroad, is the United States, would be ditto, and not neutral. Reinforced by this » extensive additional supply of auxiliaries against us, they would be enabled to make a run upon the English captain and his brave countrymen, the stokers, and, perhaps lynch them, and seize the steamer, which is too fast to be overtaken, or too strong to be retaken, or else I am much mistaken. It is not easy to contem- plate such a stoppage in our line, without feelings of consternation and panic, and I submit it with all due deference to your honourable board, for some pre- monitary measure, that shall obviate such an alarming occurrence, as a total loss. Yesterday, when we thought of making a deviation, and putting into Halifax to as- certain whether Maine and New Brunswick had de- clared war, the Americans put us all into bodily fear, that they would put us into confinement, and make prisoners of us without ransom ; and such fears should be removed by removing the moving cause. Another serious item, serious from the consequences as well as the magnitude, is that of the number of lights on board, whereby not to mention waste, the safety of the ship, comprising a very extensive assortment of valuable articles not necessary to enumerate, and of the passengers, is endangered, as well as that of other vessels and passengers. We have now two actions pending against us at New York, for the loss of two ships, that, mistaking our immense volume of light for a light-house mentioned in the coast-book, steered ac- cordingly, and were wrecked on the rocky shore, which in their vainglorious and boasting language, they call * iron-bound.' — I have suggested to Mr. Ogden, who is the most eminent counsel in New York, whether we might not plead or aver, that, if the coast is * iron- bound,' it was magnetic attraction, and not excess of light, that caused tbem to be lost in the darkness of the night. If this idea prevails, it will cure them of mak- 9 ,' > ♦■i • ■ .^ 08 THE LETTER-BAO OF ing a selection of such high-sounding words to denote ordinary things, and teach them to substitute facts for poetic fiction of imagination, in transacting business. — I consider there is great danger of fire, and prospect of immense sacrifice of entire stock, if the strictest re- gard to economy in the distribution of it, is not attended to ; for ahhough the fire of the engine falls into water, it would not be so easy to make water fall upon the fire ; and fire, as you used to say, sir, very forcibly and ap- fropriately, is a bad master, though a good servant, would, with your kind indulgence, obviate the danger to the premises, by refusing to supply the passengers individually with a lamp or candle or ignition of any kind, and order, that when they close the concern and shut up for the night to go to bed, they should be ac- companied by a waiter, who should stand by them with a dark lantern in his hand, open for the men, but held behind him for the ladies. Premium of insurance would be reduced by underwriters on the policy by this means, and brokerage saved also, as well as the amount of petty average of anxiety. As to the stock of provision on board, I would ma- terially alter the assortment of solids and fluids. In this line I would, mention the article of soda, four thousand bottles of which were drunk during the voyage, which is an immense consumption, notwith- standing the price at which it was laid in was un- rivalled for cheapness, on account of the liberal dis- count allowed for prompt pay. Such a quantity is injurious to health, being a system of diet that lowers the system of body — occupies the time of the waiters in drawing corks, and is very expensive. It is called for chiefly among the Americans, who, I may say, are the only customers, and* they order it by wholesale ; their principal pleasure, I believe, arising from the ex- plosion resembling that of a rifle ; but this is only an- other way of rifling your pockets as they would serve your bodies. I would order the consignees at New t>^- > THE GREAT WESTERIT. to denote e facts for )usiness. — d prospect trictest re- 3t attended to water, it )n the fire ; »ly and ap- DQ servant, the danger passengers tion of any oncern and lould be ac- id by them le men, but 3f insurance ,e policy by I well as the ; would ma- fluids. In soda, four during the )n, not with- in was un- liberal dis- quantity is [that lowers the waiters lit is called jay say, are wholesale ; rom the ex- is only an- /ould serve 3es at New York, not to lay in so heavy a stock of the article, the very freight of which runs up to a considerable sum. I would have fewer sorts of dishes and of a better sort, and fewer kinds of wines and of a better kind. A great deal of meat is now wasted besides what is put under the waist, in trying which they give a preference to. This makes the passengers sick, and keeps them with empty stomachs ready to empty the dishes as well as the bottles. I humbly conceive this want of apportion- ment, is bad economy or rather no economy. I should prefer a selection of heavy wines, as less would do by 50 per cent. It takes a vast deal of light wines to make a man light-headed, and weak wines a man may drink for a week and feel no stronger for the stowage. One excellent expedient to prevent excessive drinking would be to engage a doctor on reasonable terms, who could sing well — a good song and a long song between the glasses prevents wasting liquid by its lien on the decanters, and every turn of the bottle among one hundred and ten passengers costs in exact computation one hundred and ten glasses of wine, which amounts to more than seven bottles, a heavy item in the ac- count There is^ it appears to me, an advantageous opening here for an improvement. The article too should be imported direct, so as to save commissions and retail profits, and laid in at costs and charges only, to do business to advantage. I would observe shipping charges at Bristol are too high, especially dockage, wharfage, lighterage, and primage, and therefore lay- ing in at New York is preferable ; and, to save cus- tom-house expenses, every thing should be included in one cockit. There should also be a lieutenant on board ; I do not mean tenants that have left, for there are always enough of them ; but an oflicer so called, independent of the mates. This officer should have charge of the cabin and the cabin charges, and of the passengers and their baggages, all of whom ought to be in his »-*.'V, 100 THE LBTTER-BAO OF convoy. He should preside over the table and relieve the captain of this department, who, never being brought up to this line of business, is unacnuaintcd with particulars, although emulous to merit puolic ap- probation and patronage by assiduous attention. In addition to this, the captain is a ' Chartist,' and conse- quently not so well fitted for large assemblies. As to the decorations of the saloons, they are most costly, though the prime cost is not to be complained of; but they produce no return. The fabrics are elegant and of durable materials, and warranted of first quality, especially the drapery, which is of the newest pattern and fashion. They are now much damaged and stand at the reduced value of remnants, especially the paint- ings. Now, although a mere daub can never become a good picture, yet a fine painting may easily become a mere daub, as is proved on board of this vessel, for the servants are constantly rubbing their dirty hands on them. A touchy servant is the most disagreeable of all attendants, and although I detest one that is thievish, I make no objection at all to one that is light fingered. I would intimate thsrefore as an addition to your orders, that there should be no more black ser- vants, for it is obvious that a hand that is always black must be dirtier than one that is only occasionally so. Although there is no supper laid, yet judging from the quantity drunk, there are some tolerable suppers on board ; and anchovies, sardines and salt fish should be carefully excluded from the invoice and considered contraband, as well as all provoking things. He who thirsts after drink soon becomes bloody thirsty, and is a dangerous customer. This is the more unsafe, be- cause in these premises we are constantly kept in hot water. Another improvement would be to remove the tube that runs the whole length of the cabin under the table, and answers no purpose but steaming calves' feet into jelly, and to place it on the table, where it might run counter to the dishes and be useful in keep- THE GREAT WESTERN. 101 ing the dinners warm, as well as to make articles show to advantage. I have no objection to cold meat, but I like hot soup ; and fish that comes to table not warmed is out of *' plaice," — and I like to hear young ladies' tongues chatter, but not their teeth. Two saloons would be better than one, and give more satisfaction, on an average, to those who favour us with their custom ; for though I admire a mob cap, I detest a mob of caps. The side paths between the tables and side walls being scant ell wide, are too nar- row for two to pass and repass without trespassing on each others* feet. A lady told me to-day she never knew before the pain of being " Sir-passed," and though she had no objection to the " freedom of the press," she had great repugnance to a " press gang" and had no idea of being " pressed on board ship." But the most beneficial alteration that has occurred to me to make on board the ship, so as to make it yield a g^ood dividend to proprietors and command an ex- tensive run of patronage, would be to subject the pas- sengers to animal magnetism. As soon as they come on board they should be put to sleep and disposed of by being packed carefully into their respective beds, and left there as on shelves, until the steamer performs her voyage, when they could all be handed down, un- animal-magnetized, and sent ashore. It would save much that now swells up the account current for the table and attendants, spare them the pain and suffering of sea-sickness, and prevent all noise and confusion. You could then afford to make a great reduction in the passage money by this means ; for a long voyage would would be no more expensive, as far as the cabin dis- bursements are concerned, than a short one, and you could book double the number of insides and fill your way-bill up handsomely. A magnetizer would have to be employed of known skill, so as to render advertising attractive and profit- able. He should be a pupil of doctor Elliotson, or 9* 102 THE LETTER-BAO OF lomc such distinguished man, a person in well establish- ed business, well known to the nobility and gentry generally of his vicinity, and one in whom the public at large has great confidence. Whether so strong an assemblage of magnetic influence would affect the compass deserves consideration, and experimental trips should first be tried on the Thames and other places. For this invention you might obtain a patent, and the Great Western would thereby have a monoply in her line of business, and defy all rival competition by driv- ing others out of the field, or at least out of the sea. What a sea of trouble it would save ! what an era it would form in naval history! what a blessing to mankind ! crying children put to sleep — scolding wives set at rest — grumblers silenced — drunkards sobered — hungry people quieted — agitators calmed. The cabin would then be fitted up like a museum, every specimen marked, numbered, parcelled, and shelved, and order and regularity restored, while economy and comfort (the you tilly dull sea) would pervade the whole assortment. It is the best expedient I know of to remedy all evils and ensure lasting custom and a safe investment for capital as well as please principals. Trusting that this enumeration of items, I nave now the pleasure to forward in executing your commission, will arrive safe to hand and give satis- faction. I am, sir, respectfully, Your obedient servant, t ~ William Wisdom. if >y.*'i '*■: ' 'i'^ "■ "f> \'' THB GREAT W£STBIlir. 103 )11 establish- and gentry I the public ) strong an affect the mental trips ither places. 3nt, and the »oply in her ion by driv- f the sea. what an era blessing to aiding wives s sobered — 3 a museum, rcelled, and tored, while 1 sea) would 3st expedient sting custom as please of items, I cuting your give satis- vant, Wisdom. No. XIV. -? LETTER ; •; FROM A SERVANT IN SEARCH OF A PLACE. Dear Tummus — Curnel Rackilt having thort proper to stop Sherry in the servants hall, and give porter in sted, 1 eive him warning that such improper conduct wouldnt do no longer, as I had been always used to live with Gentlemen, and to be treated as a footman ort, and be- sides livery I wont wear no longer, for no man breath- ing. — It arnt fit one man should wear bondage clothes to another man, and so I go to Americka where there is no such word as servant, but assistance and helps, and where talents is rewarded as it deserves, and there is no distinctions to be found. I av engaged with Captain Hahfront to help him during the voyage and he is to pay my passage, but I didn't engage not to be sea sick, which of course I av thort proper to be, whenever he is on deck, which is not often and consequentially av nothing to do, but eat and drink my allowance which, thank God, I can do very well, and he av the Steward and Ships servants to wait upon him, which is enuf in all conscience with- out me. In Americka, as I hear, Servants is called Misters, and wine and wegetables being on the table and the company handing dishes, helps nas nothing to do but sit down on cheers and read the papers, unless it be to change a plate now and agin, which is only per former like, and is often taken into business and marries into the family ; and wearing no livery can dine at Hotels at public places, if not on duty, and has .# 104 THE LBTTER-BAO 07 -0 money to pay for it. Little offences aint thort nothing of where public officers do the like as I hear, and where munny is so plenty, people make a forten some- times by failing in business, which the Steward says, is not uncommon by no manner of means. Howsum- ever I must say I pities Miss Rackilt Curnels dorter, pool thing, for she was unkimmen fond of me, that's a elear case, and would have absconded as quick as wink with me, if I had but thort proper to av sed the wiird, but being dependant upon her father, couldn't keep an establishment, which wouldn't do for me^ as I couldn't afford to marry a poor girl, let her beautiful charms be ever so conspikious — I wunder who will tie on her clogs and squeeze her ankles now I am gone, and a prettiei foot and ankle aint this day in all Lundun, though perhaps it don't become me to boast of my no legs in this pint. Her waiting wummun Jane (you node Jane, she that had the fine black eyes) well, Jane was always jealous of her, and I ad enuf to do, I can teliy, to pacify her, inting to her it was all her hone imagination, and that I wouldn't touch her mistress with a pair of tongs, and that hp^-tificial flowers like she had no sweetness in them like the real roses of her lips and cheeks; but wummun do find things out astonishing, and it aint easy to deceive them in matters of the art and eyes, though to my mind she aint no more to be compared to Miss than Sider is to Sham- pane. Indeed, missus, herself, wouldn't av had no objec- tions to go off, neither, I can tell you, if I ad consented to lift up my and, and whistled, if it warnt for fear of the curnel ; for she tuk great notis of me, and was pro- , per vexed when I gin her warning, and told me, her- self, I was a fool, and didn't know how to valy my place, and complained bitterly she was deceived in me, which she wouldn't av done, at no rate, if she warnt cross at losing me in such a sudden manner, for ever. But I never did deceive her — never give her no en- ■1%^ ■>.* hort nothing I hear, and forten some- eward says, . Howsum- irnels dorter, * me, that's a juick as wink ed the wurd, idn't keep an as I couldn't utiful charms rill tie on her I gone, and a 1 all Lundun, )ast of my no in Jane (you es) well, Jane f to do, I can ; all her hone her mistress d flowers like 1 roses of her id things out em in matters d she aint no is to Sham- lad no objec- ad consented rnt for fear of and was pro- told me, her- (v to valy my jceived in me, if she warnt [ner, for ever. (e her no en- /^,.. .-i THE GREAt WESTERIT. 105 couragement, on no occasion, whatsumever, for I per- fered miss, by a great deal. Sec^nd-and pieces of fur- niture isnt to my taste, by no manner of means; and, if she ad pesisted in saying much more, I should av told her so to her face ; for I didnt like her, for she was old — wore false curls, and ad some teeth that wasnt her hone, and wasnt at all fit for a fancy-wum- mun for any young man liks me. If ever 1 marrys for muney, I must av good luks, too, or I am off the bargain — thats flat. They has the ballad and universal suflering, as I am informed, in Amerika, and I shall have a vote, in course ; but its no use, as I hear, for voting is consi- dered low, where its so common, and theres no thanks when no wun nose how you votes. So, reform, it seems, is no sreat shakes, arter all Lord John's flams about it. Public service I should much prefer to pri- vate, as I understands they gets eight dollars a-day, at a place they calls Washington, and great vails, too, besides rising of your tail is large, like O'Connell's, who has the biggest in all Ireland ; for I hear, Steven- son, the Yankee minister, was only a public servant, and no better, and rose by his tail, too, as our monkey used to hold-on by his tail, and help himself up. I shall try my luck there ; and if I gets up in the world, who knows but I may come back as a tatchy, or somethink of that sort, to England, some of these days, and show Curnel Rackit what service in Amerika is. One think I av seen, myself, an officer dine at our table, at mas- ter's, who ad seen service in his younger days, himself, and was made as much of, as if he had never stood behind a cheer in his life; and, so far from being ashamed of it, as some people as I nose of would be, boasted of it, which showed his sense. Poverty aint no sin or disgrace, neither ; and barbers' sons have riz afore now to be pears ; whereas, my real father, as I av heard sai, is a refoy m member, and high up in office, though my mother had the misfortune to be a servant, V n 106 *i TH^ LETTER-BAG OF which is more than sum can boast of, whose parents was low people on fathers and mothers side, both. If I was so fortunate, as to make a forten by marriage, or public service, or become a curnel, myself, which, I hear, is quite common in Amerika, for servants to rise to be curnels, and even generals sometimes, I would cum back, in course to London, to spend it, where life is certainly understood to be spent, andsumly and becoming a man of fortin ; and theatres, and operas is open every nite ; and andsum girls and good wine only wants the means; and perfessing reform opinions gives good interest Breaking lamps and driving over people on side-paths, and nocking down policemen, is easy learned ; and so is not paying tradesmen's bills, and then running off with another man's wife, would be worth while — it would make a person fashionable, and a great favourite with the wimmen. I av heard missus (or rather I should say Mrs. Rackitt,) often call Markiss Blowhard, a villain behind his back, for his love affairs, and that he ort to be shut oui of families, for too bad, and be as civil to him next day as if he was Archbishop of Caijterberry ; but wim- men always pertend to be shocked at what pleases them most — and carrying two faces aint confined to no station. Half-seas over to Amerika, makes me feel more nor half free, already ; at all events, I practises making free when opportunity hoffers. Says the skipper to me one day (he is a leftenant in the navy), says he, * are you Captain Haltfront's ser- vant?* Without getting up or touching hats, but set- ting at ease, sais I, I didnt know he had a servant, sir. * Didnt know he had one, sir,* said he, * pray what the devil do you call yourself if vou are not his servant?' Why, sir, said I, cocking my head a one side, and try- ing to come Yankee over him, he receives the Queen's pay, sir, and wears her regimentals ; he has an allow- ance for an assistant, which I receive and wear her majesty's cockade, too. We serve her majesty, sir, '\ ■•'•ir ^ THB GREAT WESTERlf. 107 and I am under the Captain's command — do you take, sir ? * Why you infernal conceited rascal !* said he, ' if you were under my command, sir, instead of his, Ide le^ you know dam quick whose servant you were/ Ah ! very like, sir, said I, keeping my seat, and cross- ing one leg over the other free and easy, and swinging my foot, very like, sir, but you dont happen to have that honour, sir, and my passage money is paid to your masters the owners of this boat at Bristol, which hap- pens to alter the case a bit, — you can go, sir. * Go, sir,' said he, * why dam your eyes, sir, what do you mean? do you want to be triced up, sir? and he walked away in a devil of a hurry, as if he was go- ing to do something, but he didnt honour me again with his company. I have put up with a good deal in my time, Tum- mus, but I puts up with no more. No man calls me servant again, unless at eight dollars a day, as a pub- lic one at Washington or Van Buren or Webster or some of the large cities, where, as I here, no one lives, but every one passes through, and dont no you again. If that dont do, some other line must. Wine, wimmen and cigars is my motter, and she what bids for me, bids high, Tummus, or she dont av the honour of be- longing to the establishment of Your old cumpanion and friend, Robert Cooper. P. S. When you write to me write this way — A Mister A 11 Mister Cooper ^ ,,, ♦ , Poste-restornte .,, - j. J New York, Amerika. I dont know as I av spelt poste-restornte rite or no, its the french for let it stop in the Office till called for. Curnel's letters, when he and me was on the Contenent travelling, had it on, and it looks knowing. The Go- 108 THE LETTER-BAG OF verness will tell you how to spell it, and you may kiss her for thanks, and get another kiss for change. Dont forget the two misters, for these little things mark the gentleman, and it might do me good such letters com- ing to me, especially among females whose curiosity is always on the key-veave, and takes such forrin looking letters for Billy duxes or assassinations of some fair one or another. If the governess would rite the back of the letter herself it would be better, for then the hande-writing would be feminine gender, as Miss Rackitt used to call the Spanish lap dog bitch. Yours again, . .,..;' ' / . ; R. C. No. XV. ,Hf. , LETTER . ^ I'v • FROM A FRENCH PASSENGER TO HIS FRIEND IN LONDON. My Dear Sare — I have vary mush pleasure to you inform, I evakuate England on bord de Great Western, on de 22d ultimo, wid vary little wind and smooth watare, and next day it dropt astarne, and was lost to de view altogedare. I cannot tell if I speak de truth, I was soary to leave it behind me. De smooth watare did not long remain, but soon became onraged and ter- rifique, and I grew vary sick, and was brought to bed with nausea and de acke in de head, where I was con- fined myself, and could not prevent for several days, THE GREAT WESTERN. 109 my being delivered of all I eat. Whatever I take I refuse, and what I swallow I throw away. De sweet is vary sour, and noting good likes my stomach. By and by I became round again, and get up, and deo vate spectacles for de eyes ; de cabin gives one hunder and ten passengare at de table at one and de same time, and no confusione but de confusione of de tongs. One ting on board of de steam boat I vary much do admire, you are not troobled with wind. Blow which ever way he will, backward or foreward, it is all same as one, you go right by de head all de time. I find de English tonge varry tuff, and I am hard to understand. De meaning of de words is so scattared, it is not easy for to gadare dem all at de same time to chuse dat what fits de best to de right place. Dere is "look out," which is put out your head and see, and " look out," which is to haul in your head and not for to sea, just contraire. To day, steward took hold of de sky light, and said " look out," well, I put up my head for to *Mook out," and he shut down de sash on it, and gave me a cut almost all over my face with pains of glass, and said dat is not de way to " look out," you should have took your head in. Dat is peating de English into de head wid de devil to it likewise. It keeps me in de boiling watare all de time. When I make in de English Tong mistake, de company all laugh in my countenance, which is vary disagreeable and barbare, bdl to avoid consequence hostile, I join in de laugh meself, and bark out too at my own blun- dares so loud as the loudest of dem all, but dere is no much pleasure in de practice, but when you shall find yourself in a Rome, you must do as it is done in de Rome. Politeness cannot be hoped have on ship board, where dere of men are many kinds, for you cannot look to make a silk purse out of de ear of one big pig. De wedare has been very onfair, and de sea so tall as a mountain, so dat de glasses no more cannot stand 10 no THE LETTER-BAO OF Up, nor de soup sit still in de plate, but slide about as On de ice when it is siippare, and roll over in one united states of confusione, passengare, dinner, and all. We have one dreadful flare up every night in de cabin, >vhich fill me varry full brim of fear, all de same as one light house. What would become of us, if we were to be burned in de watare wid fire ? I do not know, so many peoples, and so few gigs and boots to pet in, and so great way off is de land. Candles and lamps, and ceegars, in every man*s mouth widout nombre, and de furnace in de belly of the ship, all burning at de same instant time, make it dangerouse every where, and tho the Captain order one general blow up of dem all at ten o'clock, yet I vary much fear some onderminded person, like de English Law- yer, shall put de candle not under de bushel but onder de bed. As de English shall be vary fond of fires in de night, burning barns, and stacks of hay, and of corn, to produce one grand effect politique of reform, so I would take de liberty to send you one sketch imagina- tif of dat horreable event, de burning of de Great Wes- tern in de sea, which will give you, I hope, mush plea- sure to see, as it do me to prepare it for you wid pencil. When I was well, I spend my time vary agreeable wid de ladies in de promenade on deck, when de wedare shall give leave, and in making game at cards with snatches of musich, and in de evening in de sheets sketching de figures grotesque of de passengare estrangare, and in ventriloquism, which produce effect vary comique, but de passage shall come over almost so fast as my illness was, which no gave me mush time for company. So soon as we will slip our cable at New York, I was land, and come visit de Yankee of New England — de Frenchman of Canada — de savage of de wood — de black of de sout~and backwoodsman wat shoot wit .de rifle — in succession, and study de democracy of de gevernment. It is a country, unique, I believe, ) de about as THB OBBAT WXSTKRIT. Ill -with abundance of food. Philosophique for reflectione. It is only no more as one-half so grand a conetry as de Americans on board was boast, it will be de finest conetrv in de whole universd globe, for to all tings dey say splendid — masniiique — suparbe. Certain, dey ap- pear one people drole. Niagra is, widout dout, one grand spectacle, but clumsy, widout shape or elegance, and not to be compared to de sublime water-works of Versailles, which is the bouquet of all — de first in de world. But to estrangares, who was not visit France, and been so good fortunate as to see that grand artifi- cial work of de great natione, Niagra may, perhaps, appear wonderful. So it is with Vesuve, in like man- ner. In realita, it fall vary far to de behind of de im- maginatif, in fire-works in de Champs de Mars, in de glorious days of July, at Paris. He who is not seen dat city, my good sare, has seen just noting at all where nature and art form one alliance, intimate, grace- ful, and unique. It is de one place only in de world, for a man vot has taste-Iiteraire, imagmatif, and gas- tronomique. What dey can boast with truth, goot risht, in Amerique, if dey only had de taste culinaire, which dey are so misfortunate as not for to be, is de grand reservoirs, de great lakes, and immense rivares of fresh watare, make for dat most deHcate morceaux, de frog, which I hear are in great abundance dare, and very fine, sporting demselves, and singing night and day, like veritable birds, though de musich is not so good as dey eat, which is fit for a king. I make to myself one promise, dey shall compensate for a great deal of de miseraire in de table, but at present, I hear it is so much throw away upon dem, as pearls before de swine-pigs, dey are so ignorant, and barbare, as not even to know de dish, but fqi* make laugh. In England, also, is onfe ^^ry great ting wanted in de educatione of de houses commons of de people, is to have de knowledge of de art to cook de fare, so as to make it fit to eat for de palate and stomach — and, • t < lid THB LBTTBR-BAG OP what is more, to do pockeet, and to make de one-half food dan de whole go furdare. Den you will hear of starving peoples again no more, as before, which cannot be oderwise when more is consumed in waste, in one day, by ignorance, den shall render for de whole week,| entire, in consumptione necessaire. It is more better, as cheaper, and let goot cooking of de vitals last only for five year in de conetry, it shall wipe up the nationale debt, till it shall be no more seen, and noting remain. Farte else hrve enabled France to support de army of Napoleon, or wate is called of occupation, which was of Prusse and Russe, and Anglaix, when combined in round Paris, but de art to cook? or farte now hold up de grand militaire and navy, or defray de debt of de natione, which is not commerciale, or manifacture, but de art to cook ? It is de single ting necessaire to gen- eral happiness, riches and health, and widout it, man is no more as a savage, who was waste more as he eats, and eats more as a pig, den human being. Lord Brougham (who is distinguish more for what goes out of his mout, den what goes into it) have gone boast, "de schoolmaster is abroad." Veil ! farte of all dat ? de schoolmaster is not de right man, aftare all ; but if he will say " de cook is abroadj^'v den he shall speak sense, for once, ondeniable. De cook is de gentleman dat shall make von grand reform in de En- glish natione, more better as ballot or universal suf- ferage, or de Lord John Russell all in one pile, heap up togedare. De John Bull vat is poor, is so savage as a blood-hound — for why ? because he feeds on raw meet; de chartist is wicked, because his stomach is out of de order ; and so is de radical vary cross and sour, be- cause he is dispeptic, bilious and troubled wid wind } and de rish man, what you call whig, go hang and drown himself for noting at &11, but because his diges- tion is bad. Ah ! my dear sare, my goot friend, de cook is de doctare---de statesman — de true patriot. jSpeak of educatione nationale, mon dieu ! it is cooking f de one-half irill hear of hich cannot aste, in one i^hole week, I ►re better, ag last only for le nationale ing remain, de army of , which was combined in 10W hold up e debt of de iifacture,but saire to gen- DUt it, man is *e as he eats, are for what nto it) have Veil! farte man, aftare ta^*- den he )e cook is de rm in de En- ■niversal suf- pile, heap up savage as a )n raw meet; 1 is out of de .nd sour, be- wid wind} ,0 hang and ise his diges- ft friend, ^de itrue patriot. it is cooking TRB ORfiAT WESTERir ^1 118 nationale vat vou shall vant ; and dis do put mind in me to go talk to de steward about de dinnair, so I must have take de honore to subscribe to you Myself, wid great respect. Your obedient servant, Frederick Freliit. -.I'M Mt^'- .T"': V • tjr» t« No. XVI. LETTER FROM AN OLD HAND. My dear James — Just as I was embarking I received your letter requesting me to give you a full account of my voyage, and such hints as might be useful to you whenever you shall make the passage yourself. The first is un- necessary, for there is nothing to tell. Every man is alike — every woman is alike. They are more alike than the men, too much of the devil in all. Every ship is alike, especially steam ships, and the incidents of one voyage are common to all. « Facias non omni- bus una, nee tamen di versa." The company usually consists of young officers joining regiments ; — talk — Gibraltar — Cape — Halifax — Horse-guards — promotion and sporting: of naval men ; talk — insults to flag — foreign stations — crack frigates — round sterns — Old Admiral : of speculators ; talk — cotton — tobacco — flour: of Provincials; talk — Durham — Head — Colborne — Poulette Thompson: of travellers ; talk — Mississippi — Niagara — Mahone bay : of women; talk — head-ache — amusements, and non- sense about Byron : of Yankees : talk — Locofocos — 10* *" 114 THE LBTTER-BAQ OF ffo-ahead — dollars: of manufacturers; talk — steam—- lactories — machinery : of blockheads, who chatter like monkeys, about every thing. The incidents are common to all — fall on the deck — wet through — very sick — bad wine — cold dinner — rough water — shipped a sea, and a tureen of soup— -spoke a ship, but couldn't hear — saw a whale, but so far off, only a black line — feel sulky. There is nothing therefore to tell you, but what has been told a thousand times, and never was worth telling once. But there are a few maxims worth knowing. 1st. Call steward — enquire the number of your cabin — he will tell you it is No. 1, perhaps — ah ! very well, steward, here is half a sovereign to be^in with, don't forget, it is No. I. This is the beginnmg of the voy- age, I shall not forget the end of it. He never does lose sight of No. 1, and you continue to be No. 1 ever after ; best dish at dinner, by accident, is always before you, best attendance behind you, and so on. You can never say with the poor devil, that was hen-pecked, " the first of the tea, the last of the coffee for poor Jemy." — I always do this. : r; ' 2a. If you are to have a chum, take a young one, and you can have your own way by breaking him in yourself. — I always do, 3d. If the berths are over each other, let the young fellow climb, and do you take the lowest one, it is bet- ter he should break his neck than you. — I always do. 4th. All the luggage not required for immediate use, is marked " below," don't mark yours so at all, and you have it all in your own cabin, where you know where to find it when you want it. It is not then squeezed to death by a hundred tons of trunks. If you have not room in your cabin for it all, hint to your young chum, he has too much baggage, and some of it must go " below." — / always do so. 5th. Don't talk French, it brings all those chatter- ing, grimacery fellows about you. — J never do. »»• THE GREAT WRSTfiRH. 115 [ — steam- chatter like ire common r sick — bad . a sea, and cln*t hear — k line — feel j11 you, but I never was ixims worth f your cabin ! very well, I with, don't r of the voy- I never does 3 No. 1 ever Iways before n. You can hen-pecked, fee for poor young one, ^king him in !t the young ine, it is bet- \always do. lediate use, at all, and |e you know is not then iks. If you lint to your id some of )se Chatter- is 6(h. Make no acquaintance with women on two accounts ; first, they have no business on board, and secondly, they are too troublesome. — / never do. 7th. Never speak to a child, or you can't get clear of the nasty little lapdog thing ever afterwards. — 1 never do, 8th. Always judge your fellow passengers to be the opposite of what they strive to appear to be. For in- stance, a military man is not quarrelsome, for no man doubts his courage. A snob is. A clergyman is not over strait-laced, for his piety is not questioned. But a cheat is. A lawyer is not apt to be argumentative. But a doctor is. A woman that is all smiles and graces is a vixen at heart. Snakes fascinate. A stranger that is obsequious and over-civil without ap- parent cause, is treacherous. Cats that purr, are apt to bite and scratch like the devil. Pride is one thing, assumption is another ; the latter must always get the cold shoulder, for whoever shows it is no gentleman ; men never affect to be what they are not. The only man who really is what he appears to be, is — a gentle- man. — I always judge thus. 9th. Keep no money in your pockets — when your clothes are brushed in the mornirg, it is apt — ahem — to fall out. — / never do. 10th. At table, see what wine the captain drinks ; it is not the worst. — / alioays do. 11th. Never be "at home" on any subject, to stupid fellows : they wont " call again." — / never am. l£th. Never discuss religion or politics with those who hold opinions opposite to yours; they are sub- jects that heat in handling, until they burn your fingers; never talk learnedly on topics you know, it makes people afraid of you ; never talk on subjects you don't know, it makes people despise you ; never argue, no man is worth the trouble of convincing, and the better you reason the more obstinate people become ; never pun on a man's words : it is as bad as spitting in his face. In short, whenever practicable, let others per- no THB LCTTBR-BAO OF form, and do you look on : a seat in the dress-circle is preferable to a part in the play. — This is my rule, I'ith. Be always civil, and no one will wish to bO rude to you; be ceremonious, and people cannot if they would ; impertinence seldom honours you with a visit, without an invitation — at least. — I always find it so. 14th. Never sit opposite a carving-dish; there is not time for doing pretty. — / never do. 15th. Never take a place opposite a newly married couple; it is a great many things, tiresome, tantalizing, disgusting, and so on. — 1 never do. 16th. Never sit near a subordinate officer of the ship, they are always the worst served and are too much at home to be agreeable. — I never do. 17. Never play at cards; some people know too little for your temper, and others too much for your pocket. — / nBver do. 18th. There is one person to whom you should be most attentive and obliging, and even anticipate his wants; his comfort should be made paramount to every other consideration, namely — yourself. — / always do. There are many other corollaries from these maxims, which a little reflection will suggest to you, but it is a rule never to write a long letter. — / never do. Yours always, JoHiY Stager. '« "I-,:- TBI ORBAT WISTBRir. %. 117 No. XVII. :s: LETTER FROM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN TO HIS FRIEND AT BANGOR. Dbar Ichaboo — As I shall cut off to Harrisburg, Pa., to-morrow as soon as I land, and then proceed to Pittsville, Ma., I write you these few lines to inform yon of the state of things in general, and the markets in parMcuJar. — Rice is rice, though the tobac jo-market looks black ; cotton is lighter, and some brilliant specs have been made in oil. Pots hang heavy in hand, and pearl is dull. Tampico fustic is moderate, and campeachy a 37 — 50—4 mos. Whalebone continues firm. Few transactions have taken place in Bar or Pig, and iron generally is heavy. Hung-dried Chili remains high, but Santa Marthas are flat. The banks and large houses look for specie, but long paper still passes in the hands of individuals and little nouses in the city. — This is all the news and last advices ; but dear Ich, what on airth are we coming to, and how will our free and enlightened country bear the inspection brand abroad ? Will not our name decline in foreign markets? The pilot has just come on board, and intimates that the Vice President, the second officer of this first of countries, was not received with due honour at New York. He says that the Common Council could not ask him to thread an agrarian band of Fanny- Wright men, Offin men, Ming men, and all other sorts x>fmen» but respectable men ; for he would have ha* to en- t -> «? 'TV 118 THE LETTER-BAG OF counter a slough of Loco Focoism, that no decent man would wade through. It is scarcely credible that so discreditable an event should occur in this empire city; but it is the blessed fruit of that cursed tree of Van Burenism, which is rotten before it is ripe, and un- like other poisonous fruit is not even attractive in out- ward appearance, but looks bad, tastes bad, and oper- ates bad, and in short, is bad altogether. — But of all the most appalling information I have received per this channel was that of the formation of twenty-four new hose companies. What? said I, twenty-four new hose companies? Is the stocking business going ahead ? Is it to cover the naked feet of the shoe-less Irish, and Scotch, and En- glish paupers, that cover with uncovered legs, like locusts, this happy land — or is it for foreign markets? Where does the capital come from ? Is it a spec, or has it a bottom ? No, said he, shaking his head ; it is a dark job of the new-lights, the Loco t ocos. To carry the election of chief engineer of the firemen, they have created twenty-four new companies of firemen, called hose companies, which has damped the fire and extin- guished the last spark of hope of all true patriots. It has thrown cold water upon the old fire companies, who will sooner resign than thus be inundated. This is the way the radicals of England wanted to swamp the House of Lords, by creating a new batch of peers, baked at once ; though the persons for peers were only half-baked, or under-done — but they did not, and were not allowed to glut the market that way. How is it that this stale trick should become fresh, and succeed in this enlightened land ; this abode of freemen ; this seat of purity, and pass current without one solid, genuwine ingredient of true metal. It is a base trick, a barefaced imposition, a high-handed and unconstitutional measure. It is a paltry manoeuvre to swindle the firemen out of their right of election. Yes, Ick, the firemen is swamped, and the sun of '■7 THE GREAT WESTERIT. 119 decent man lible that so empire city ; tree of Van ipe, and un- Ktive in out- id, and oper- .— But of all sived per this inty-four new ^mpanies? Is to cover the (tch, and En- •ed legs, like sign markets'? 3 it a spec, or lis head; it is :os. To carry len, they have iremen, called ire and extin- patriots. It e companies, idated. This icd to swamp |atch of peers, ers were only lot, and were become fresh, [his abode of Irrent without letal. It is a -handed and manoeuvre \t of election, the sun of liberty has gone down red and angry, extinguished in the waters of popular delusion. Then, for heaven's sake, look at Vicksburg; every thing looks worse and worse, there; in several of the counties they have quashed all the bonds, in some there are no courts, in others, the sheriffs pocket the money, and refuse to shell-out to any one. In one instance, a man, tried for the murder of his wife, escaped, because he was con- victed of manslaughter; and, in another, a person in- dicted for stealing a pig, got off because it was a shote. They ring the noses of the judges instead of the pigs. From cutting each other up in the papers with pens, they now cut each other up in the streets with bowie- knives, and, in my opinion, will soon eat one another like savages, for back-biting has become quite common. The constitution has received a pretty considerable tarnation shock — that's a fact. Van Burenism and Sub-Treasuryism have triumphed ; the whig cause has gained nothing but funeral honours, and a hasty burial below low-water mark. In England, Biddle retiring from the bank, has aflected the cotton trade, and shook it to its centre. They say, if it paid well, why did he pay himself off? It was a losing concern, it was a loss to lose him ; but all are at a loss to know the reason of his withdrawing. I own, I fear he is playing the game of fast and loose. The breaking of that bank would affect the banks of the Mississippi as well as the Ohio, and the country would be inundated with bad paper, the natural result of his paper war with Jackson, the undamming, by the administration, of the specie dammed up by him for so long a period — damn them all, I say ! However, Ich, if we have made a losing concern of it, the English have got their per contra sheet, showing a balance against them, too. They are going to lose Canada, see if they aint, as sure as a gun; and if they do, I guess we know where to find it, without any great search after it, either. I didn't think, myself, it was so ^' w 120 THE LETTER-BAO OF far gone goose with them, or the fat in the fire half sd bad, until I read Lord Durham's report ; but he says, " my experience leaves no doubt on my mind, that an invading American army might rely upon the co-oper- ation of almost the entire French population of Lower Canada." Did you ever hear the like of that, Ich ? By gosh, but it was worth while to publish that, wasn't it? Now after such an invitation as that coming from such a quarter too, if our folks dont go in and take it they ought to be kicked clean away to the other side of sundown, hang me if they hadn't ought. Its enough to make a cat sick too, to hear them Goneys to Can- ada talk about responsible government, cuss me if it aint. They dont know what they are jawing about them fellows, thats a fact. I should like to know whats the use of mob responsibility when our most responsi- ble treasurers fobbed five millions of dollars lately of the public money, without winking. Where are they now 1 Why some on em is in France going the whole figure, and the other rascals at home snapping the fingers of one hand at the people, and jinglins their own specie at them with the fingers of the other as sarcy as the devil. Only belong to the majority and you are as safe as a thief in a mill. They '11 carry you through the mire at a round trot as stiff as a ped- lar's horse. Its well enough to boast, Ich, of our Constitution afore strangers, and particularly afore them colony chaps, because it may do good, but I hope I may be most pittikilarly cussed, if I wouldnt undertake to drive a stage coach and four horses through most any part of it at full gallof). Responsibility ! what infernal non- sense ! Show me one of all our public defaulters that deserved hanging, that ever got his due, and then I '11 believe the word has got some meaning in it ; but the British are fools, thats a fact — always was fools, and always will be fools to the eend of the chapter — and THE GREAT WESTERN. lil e fire half sd but he says, lind, that an . the co-oper- on of Lower )f that, Ichl I that, wasn't coming from I and take it he other side it. Its enough sneys to Can- cuss me if it jawing about o know whats most responsi- )llars lately of here are they jing the whole snapping the jingling their the other as majority and They HI carry stiff' as aped- ir Constitution them colony lope I may be rtake to drive est any part t infernal non- Idefaulters that and then I'll in it ; but the Ivas fools, and chapter — and them are colonists arn't much better, I hope I may be shot if they are. The devil help them all I say, till we are ready for them and then let them look out for squalls, thats all. Lord ! if they were to invade us as our folks did them, and we was to catch them, weed serve them as Old Hickory did Ambrister and Ar- buthonot down there to Florida line, hang em up like onions a dozen on a rope. I guess they wont try them capers with us. They know a trick worth two of that I'me a thinking. I suppose youve heard the French took a pilot out of a British gun-brig : when called upon for explana- tion they said they took the man-of-war for a mer- chantman — no great of a compliment that, was it? but John Bull swallowed it all, though he made awful wry faces in getting it down. As our minister said, suppose they did make such a blunder, what right had they to take him at all out of a merchantman, and if it was a mistake why didnt they take him back again when they found out their error ? He was such an everlastin overbearrin criltur himself in years past was John Bull, it does one good to see him humbled, and faith he gets more kicks than coppers now. It ap- pears to me they wouldnt have dared to have done that to us, dont it to you 1 Then they took one of their crack steam frigates for a Mexican. Lord ! that was another compliment, and they let drive into her-and playd the very devil. Nothing but another mistake agin, says Bullfrog, upon my vird and onare vary soary, but I did not know you my goot friend — no I did not indeed — I took vou for de miserable Mexican — You vary much altared from de old time what went before — vary. It was lucky for Johnny Croppo our Giniral Jackson hadn't the helm of state or he *d a tausht them different guess manners I'm a thinking. If they had dared to venture that sort of work to us in Old Hickory's time, I hope I may be skinned alive by wild cats if he wouldn't have blowed every cussed 11 ^l 122 THE LETTER-BAO OF craft they have out of the water. Lord ! Ich, he *d a sneezed them out, cuss me if he wouldn't. There is no mistake in Old Hick, I tell you. If he isn't clear grit — ginger to the back bone — tough as whip leather — and spunky as a bull-dog, it 's a pity, that *s all. I must say, at present our citizens are treated with great respect abroad. His Excellency the honourable the governor of the state of Quimbagog lives at St. Jimses, and often dines at the palace. When they go to dinner, he carries the Queen and Melburne carries the Dutchess Kent. Him and the Queen were considerable shy at first, but they soon got sociable and are quite thick now. He told the company, there was a town to home called Vix- burg after (Melburne says ahem ! as a hint not to go too far — ^governor winks, as much as to say, no fear, I take you my boy), so called from vix, scarcely, and burga, a city, which place had become famous through- out America, for its respect for the laws, and that many people thought there was a growing resemblance be- tween England and it — Melburne seed the bam and looked proper vexed, and to turn the conversation said : shall I have the honour to take wine with your Excellency mister governor of the state of Quimbagog in America, but now a guest of her most gracious Majesty. They say, he always calls it an honour when he asks him and pays him the respect to give him all his titles, and when he asks other folks he says, pleasure, and just nods his head. That's gratifying now, aint it? — The truth is, we stand letter a No. 1. abroad, and for no other reason than this, the British can whip all the world, and we can whip the British. — When you write to England if you speak of this ship, you must call her the Great Western Steamer, or it may lead to trouble, for there are two Great Westerns, this here ship, and one of the great men, and they wont know which you mean. Many mis- takes have happened already, and parcels are con- THE GREAT WESTERIT. 123 Ich, he *d a . There is } isn't clear whip leather ', that's all. treated with ernor of the d often dines e carries the I Kent. Him irst, but they )w. He told 3 called Vix- int not to go say, no fear, scarcely, and nous through- ind that many emblance be- the bam and conversation ine with your f Quimbapog lost gracious t an honour ispect to give folks he says, ;'s gratifying itter a No. 1. is, the British [p the British, ipeak of this lern Steamer, two Great great men, Many mis- ;els are con- stantly sent to his address in that way that are intended for America. The fact is, there is some truth in the resemblance : Both their trips cost more money than they were worth; both raised greater expectations than they have fulfilled ; both returned a plaguy-sight quicker than they went out — and between you and me and the post both are inconveniently big, and have more smoke than power. As soon as I arrange my business at Pittsville I shall streak it off for Maine like lightning, for I am in an everlasting almighty hurry, I tell you, and hoping to see you well and stirring, and as hearty as brandy, ' I am, dear Ich, ^ Yours faithfully, Elitathait Card. P, S. Keep dark. If you have a real right down clipper of a horse in your stable, a doing of nothing, couldn't you jist whip over to Portland on the 20th to meet me in your waggon ? If you could I can put you up to a thing about oils, in which, I think, we could make a con- siderable of a decent spec, and work it so as to turn a few thousand dollars slick. General Corncob will ac- commodate me at the bank with what we want, for it was me helped him over the fence, when he was non- plushed last election for senator by the democratic re- publicans, and he must be a most superfine infernal rascal, if he turns stag on me now. Chew on it at any rate, and if you have a mind to go snacks, why jist make an arrand for something or another to the bay, to draw the wool over folks' eyes, and come on the sly, and you will go back heavier, I guess, than you come by a plaguy long chalk, that's a fact. — Yours, E. C. 12« %. THE LETTER-BAO OF t t If ' ' *- No. XVIII. ; LETTER " ' FROM ELIZABETH FIGG TO JOHN BUGGINS. Dear Johw — ' I never will believe nothing I hear, till I see it — never. We are now in sight of America, which riz out of the sea this morning afore breakfast, and is nothing but a blue spec after all, and no bigger than a common hill, and yet this is the land, they say, is so large, that you have to travel through it by water. But this is the way strangers are always deceived by travellers' stories, that you don't know how much to set down fabulous, and how much to give credit to. I arrived in due course by coach at Bristol the same day at night that I left London, and was picked up out of the bush by a cab-man, who took me to the stairs ; but he was a villain, like many more that I could name, at Bristol as well as other places. Sais he is it a single fair ? no says I, I am married to John Figg this seven years, says he, I mean is there any more to be took in 1 no said I, I hope not, and I trust you are not ago- ing for to take me in, are you ? with that he shot too the door with a grin and got up on the box, and I heard him say, she is a rum one, that's sertain. When we got to Clifton he made me pay ten shillings, I wish you would see to it, he is a stout man with a red face, and you'll know him by his waist-coat, which is red too. After that I took a voyage down the river to where the Great Western stood waiting for us, but Gracious Powers ! it was a floating station for a rail way. Such THE GREAT WESTERIT. 126 [ BUGGINS. •, till I see it ca, which riz ikfast, and is )igger than a ley say, is so it by water. i deceived by how much to ive credit to. istol the same picked up out o the stairs ; could name, is it a single gg this seven e to be took are not ago- he shot too box, and I rtain. When llings, I wish h a red face, t, which is Iver to where Ibut Gracious ll way. Such a confusion no one did ever see. I was told when I came on board I should see a palace, all fit for the Queen, su elegant and so clean, the wood all gilding and the moreens all silk, and the rooms all state rooms, and as for liquor nothing but hoc and shampain would go down, and every thing you could think of, besides ever so much you never dreamed of all your life, all provided for your reception, and the only objection was the voyage was so short, you got but little use of it for your money. Well I never ! if it aint horred to hoax people that way, I declare ; but let them Bristol Quakers alone for sly ones I say — but I '11 not get be- fore my story — you shall see for yourself how far things come up to the mark or not. I have been wretched uncomfortable in this steamer, for what in the world is the use of all the gilding and carving and pictures and splendor that ever was to vou when you are sick at the stomack ? Our cabin has two boxes in it called births, though coffins would be nearer the thing, for you think more of your other end at sea a great deal. One of these is situated over the other like two shelves, and these two together make what they call a state room. What would they think at the real palace, of such a state room as this, of just a closet and no more, for the queen and her mother to sleep in, and no dressing-room nor nothing? but you shall hear all. My birth is the uppermost one, and I have to climb up to it putting one foot on the lower one, and the other away out on the wash-hand stand, which is a great stretch and makes it very straining ; then I lift one knee on the birth, and roll in side ways. This is very inconvenient to a woman of my size, and very dangerous. Last night I put my foot on Mrs. Brown'f face, as she laid asleep close to the edge of the lower one, and nearly put out her eye, and I have Irrn all the skin off my knees, and then I have a large black spot where I have been hurt, and my head is swelled. To dismount is another feat of horseman- 11* i 120 THB LBTTER-BAO OF ship only fit for a sailor. You can't sit up for the floor over head, so you have to turn round and roll your legs out first, and then hold on, till you touch bottom some where, and then let yourself down upright. It is dreadful work, and not very decent for a delicate fe- male if the steward happens to come in when you are in the act this way. I don't know which is hardest, to get in or get out a birth ; both are the most diffi- cultest things in the world, and I shall be glad when I am done with it. I am obligated to dress in bed, afore I leave it, and nobody that hasn't tried to put on their clothes lying down can tell what a task it is. Lacing stays behind your back, and you on your face nearly smothered in bed clothes, and feeling for the eylet hole with one hand, and trying to put the tog in with the other, while you are rolling about from side to side, is no laughing matter. Yesterday I fastened on the pil- lowr to my bustler by mistake, in the hurry, and never knew it, till people laughed at me and said the sea agreed with me I had grown so fat. But putting on stockings is th ; worst, for there aint room to stoop for- ward, so you have to bring your foot to you, and stretching out on your back, lift up your leg till you can reach it, and then drag it on. Corpulent people can't do this so easy, I can tell you. It always gives me the cramp and takes away my breath. You would pity me if you could conceive John, but you can't, — nobody but a woman can tell what a female suffers being confined in a birth at sea. Then I get nothing hardly to eat, for I sit between a German and a Frenchman, and if I ask one to help me, he says — "neet for stain," which means, I am afraid to dirt my fingers ; and the other keeps saying, " Je non ton Pa," I aint your father; and when I call steward, he says, " Yes mame, comeing directly," and he never comes at all. Then the doctor says, Mrs. Figg, what will you take — is there any thing I can give you ? He says this every day at dinner, and it kills me, the very idea. THE GREAT WESTERIf. 127 At last I said to him, Do pray doctor dont mention it, I am sick enough already, and you really turn my sto- mach. Oh ! John, I sufler more than mortal can ima- gine. The biscuit is as hard as a dutch tile and it is easier to crack a tooth than to crack that, but may be it is only my weakness — and the vinegar tastes sweeter to me than the wine, but perhaps that 's all owing to the sourness of my stomach. Indeed it's little that cocs down my throat which seems to be turned upside down and acts the other way. If all the passengers is like me, the Captain will have a profitable voyage of it, I am sure, for 1 can neither eat nor drink any thing — and what I live on, Gracious only knows, for I don't. We have had a terrific gale ever since we left, and the motion is dreadful. You never see any thing like the sea, when its fairly up ; its like a galloping boil, it froths and rolls over, and carries on tremendous. Sometimes it pitches into the vessel, and sometimes the vessel pitches into it, and sometimes they both pitch to- gether, and, then, words is wanting to paint it out in true colours. At such times, the trunks slide about the floor, as if they was on the ice, and it is as much as your legs is worth to be among them a minute. Every thing I have is either wet or torn ; my new silk bonnet is all scruntched flat, by Mrs. Brown falling down on it ; and, what's worse is, to have my bum-be-seen look- ing no better than the cook's, it has got all soiled, and a great spot on it that I can't get off, do what I will. The place underneath is very hot, and the air so long confined that comes from there, aint pleasant at all, it makes me feel very frail. But that aint the worst of it, the doors are all painted so beautiful, and look so romantic^ that they didn't like to number them, for fear of spoiling the pictures on them ; and it tante very easy to tell which is which, or whose is whose ; and there is a great German ofiicer always opening my door, by mistake, and, sometimes, won't be convinced till he 128 THE LETTER-BAG OF looks me in the face, and then its — oh, I pegs porton, madam, I, too, indeed, I mishtookt it for mine own, so I tid. It frightens me so, I am afraid to do anything, amcdt, for fear of his great whisker'd face come pop- ing in upon me. It is a dreadful life, dear John ; no one knows what it is, but them that's tried it, and them, too, that's sea-sick, and is females. The partitions, too, are so very thin, you can hear all kinds of noises, just as plain as if it was in the same room, which is very inconvenient and disagreeable. My next neigh- bour is a Frenchman, he is very ill, and is always call- ing some jew or another that never comes. It is pitia- ble to hear him crying all day, O mon jew, mon jew I Sometimes, just as I feel exhausted and quiet, from weakness, he begins reaching, so dredful, that it sets me off again, and I think I shall never stop ; and, as for the steward, as there is no bells, and he is a mile off, you might as well call from Dover to Calais, and expect to be heard ; and if you catch a glimpse of an- other servant, he says, yes, marm, and you never see him again, or, if you do, you don't know him, they are so numerous, and being mulattoes, you can't tell \hem apart. The black girls, or *jets does,' as the Fr^inch call them, are so busy, they do nothing at all, but chase each other round and round. You want a gentleman at sea very much, more than any where else ; and, if {)oor Mr. Figg hadn't unfortunately had to leave Eng- and rather unexpectedly, I shouldn't have been in such a primminary as I am. You aint much better off, on deck, for, when the ship pitches or rolls, you are apt to lose your stool, and whatever happens at sea, either from a fall, or getting in a spree, every one laughs. There is no sympathy here, for no one ; and politeness is not the order of the day, when people are not invited for company, but pay their way, and no thanks to any one. How times is altered with me, since I was a belle, and all Hackney rung with my name and fortin, and it was whose arm I should take, and who should THE GREAT WESTERIT. ^ ^ pegs porton, line own, so lo anything, B come pop- ir John ; no it, and them, e partitions. Is of noises, m, which is next neigh- always call- It is pitia- V, mon jew ! quiet, from , that it sets lop ; and, as he is a mile ) Calais, and impse of an- )u never see lim, they are n't tell ^bem the French 1, but chase gentleman se; and, if leave Eng- been in such ►etter off, on you are apt sea, either one laughs. d politeness not invited anks to any ce I was a and fortin, who should 129 be the happy man, and a smile was too much pay for any trouble — or, rather, trouble was a pleasure. Bum- pers didn't mean what bumpers does now ; and running bump agin you, and most knocking you over, is a very different thing from having your health drank in toast, the men all standing unkivered, and having it done whenever opportunity offered. But men aint what men was, and a steamer aint a corporation ball, though they do call it a palace, nor nothing like it; and, al- though I am no longer Betsey Buggins, that was, yet I am not much altered, unless it be I 'me a little more " om bum point " than I was, which, some people say, is more becoming. Besides, being married, looks is of no more consequence than dress, unless it should be my fortune to marry again, which, Mr. Figg's declining health, I fear, renders not impossible, if ever I could bring myself to think of another, which aint probable. But, poor Mr. Figg is greatly changed, and enjoys very bad health; he aint the same man he was, and has fell away to nothing, until he is a mere aioniy. But, I trust in Providence, if yellow fever don't do for him, change of air will. Hoping this will find you in good health and spirits, I am, dear brother. Your faithful sister, ' ^ ^ ' Elizabeth Figg. P. S. If you see Mrs. Hobbs, tell her I am much beholden to her, for her kindness in saying Mr Figg and me left England serruptitious, on account of a de- rangement of affairs, but ill health of Mr. Fige, from being kept at it from morning till night, was the sole cause ; for thank goodness, we can retire when we please at any moment and enjoy ourselves, if he was only as able as he once was in bodily strength. As far as means goes, we have it, and enough to spare, to purchase her and Mr. Hobbs out any day, and set them up again, and not miss it. I most wonder some 180 THE LETTER*BAO OF people aint ashamed, to show their red faces, when it*f well known that water never causes red noses. But I scorn to retaliate on people that's given to sich low habits, only some folks nad better see the brandy bios- soms on their own faces, before they find beams in other people's characters. I hate such deceitful wretches as is so civil to your face, and the moment your back is turned find nothing too bad to say of you, but this is not worth breath, and that's the truth. £. FiQo. No. XIX. LETTER FROM THE SON OF A PASSENGER. Dear Bob — Guess where I am now, my boy. Do you five it up ? Well, I 'm on board the Great Western, am upon my soul ! Father has gone to America to take Bill, the Ceylon Missionary boy, home to his friends, and I am off with him in this steamer, and it's hurrah for Yankee town, and the Lord knows where all ! It's as good fun as a fair, and there is such a crowd all the time, you can just do what you please, and no one find you out. Sliding on the wet deck above the saloon, when the passengers are at dinner, makes it nice and slippery, and when they come up, not thinking of slides or any thing of the kind, away they go head over heels all in a heap — such scream- ing among the girls a showing of their legs, and such damning among the men about greasy decks, you THE GREAT WESTKlUf. 131 never heard. Then droppinic a piece of orange peel before a Frenchman, when lie eoes prancing about the deck, sends him flying a vnrd or so till he comes on all fours, where he wallo; s about like a fish just caught. But the best fun is putting shot under the feet of the camp stools, when nobody is looking, it makes the women kick up their heels like donkeys. I have to give my old Governor a wide berth, for he owes me a thrashing, but he is lame and can't catch me. He is proper vexed. — I stole a leaf out of his ser- mon last Sunday, and when he came to the gap, he stopped, and first looked ahead, and then back again, and at last had to take a running leap over it — my eyes, what a laugh there was ! The last words were " the beauty" and the next page began, of the devil and all his works. He coughed, and stammered, and then blew his nose, and then coloured up as red as a herring, and gave me a look, as much as to say— " you Ml catch it for this, my boy, I know;" but there is one good thing about the old man too, he dont carry a grudge long. When he came back to his cabin, says he to the Ceylon boy, William, says he, these pas- sengers behave very ill, very ill, indeed — what made them laugh so when I was going into the cabin and coming out again. They must be very loose people, to behave in this unhandsome manner. It is very un- becoming. What were they laughing at, do you know? At the white shirts of the negroes, says I, winking to Bill, but confound him, he would not take a hint. I believe it was this, sir, said Bill, who was always a spooney, taking up the back of his gown and showing him a card, I took off one of the boxes and stuck there, " This side up, to,be kept dry." But the greatest fun I have had is with an old Ger- man named Lybolt, of Philadelphia or Pennsylvania or some such place in the States. He sleeps next birth to us. Well, I goes and picks out fi piece of putty in the partition just near his head, and when he is fast fl 132 THE LETTER-BAG OF asleep snoring, lets drive a squirt full of water right into his face and mouth. Oh ! mine Cot ! mine Cot ! the old fellow sings out, varte a leak dat is ! I am all wet so I am, most trowned in my ped. Steward, do kome here, steward ! Well, the steward comes and he can't find the leak, for in the mean time I claps back the putty as snug as a bug in a rug. May be you was sick in your sleep and didn't know it, says the steward. Cot for tam ! I tell vou no — it 's vater, don't you see ? Or perhaps you spilt it out of the ba- sin ? Dunder and blitzen ! you plack villain, do you mockey me, sir ? what for you mean ? and away goes the steward, and next day comes the cTsirpenter, and next night comes the squirt again. He '11 go mad yet will, old • Tousand Dey vils !' see if he don't. After dinner I gets down to the other end of the table, where the old Governor can't see me, and gets lots of winfe and good things, especially among the Jews. Them are the boys for champaign. I always understood they were close-fisted curmudgems that wouldn't spend a farthing, but they tucks in the wine in great style. It would do you good to see them turn- ing up the whites o*" their eyes and taking an observa- tion out of the bottom of their glass. I wouldn't be a slice of ham in them fellows' way for something. They eat and drink as if they never saw food before. But coming out of the companion way in a crowd in the dark, and giving a pinch on the sly to the mulatto girl on the stairs, till she squeals again like a stuck pig and abuses the passengers for no gentlemen, and every one crying out shame, is great sport. There is a great big Irishman from Giant's Causeway that has got the cre- dit of it, and every American says it is just like an Irish blackguard that. If you 'd see the coloured ser- vants, what looks they give old Potatoe, it would do you good. They '11 murder him if they catch him in New York. I wouldn't be in Pat's jacket for a shilling, I know. THE GREAT WESTERN. 133 /ater right mine Cotl ! I am all teward, do comes and ime I claps r. May be low it, says —it 's vater, of the ba- ain, do you away goes penter, and go mad yet t. end of the le, and gets among the u I always idgems that in the wine them turn- an observa- jouldn't be a jhing. They lefore. But owd in the ulatto girl ,ck pig and every one a great big ot the cre- lust like an •loured ser- t would do tch him in a shilling, Oh ! Bob, I wish you was here ; we *d have a noble time of it if you was. As it is, Bill is so cursed soft, and such a coward, he won't join in a lark, and I am frightened out of my life for fear he will peach on me. I have threaten'd to cut the liver out of him if he does. I am'almost afraid he has already, for the mate said to me to-day, * Come here you young sucking parson, you. If you don't give over cutting those shines, I '11 make your breech acquainted with a bit of the haul- yards before you are many days older, I 'm beggar'd if I don't — so mind your eye, my hearty, or you '11 catch it, I tell, you.' You will, will you ? says I — you know a trick worth two of that, I 'm thinking, and if you don't there's them on board will teach it to you. So none of your half-laughs to me. I can't say I liked it though, for all that, for he looks like a fellow that would be as good as his word, and if I do catch it I will pay master Bill off for it when I get him ashore, Pme blowed if I don't. There is nothing I hate so much as a tattler. Board ship is a fine place for old clothes ; what with tar and grease and tearing, you get rid of them all in no time. I have made all my Sunday clothes old, and worn all my old ones out, so that I shall come out in a new rig at New York, as fine as examination day, and try for a long coat and french boots, if I can come round the old man. Remembering his texts and prais- ing his sermons generally does that. I think I am too big now for short jacket and trousers. Jim Brown warn't so tall as me by half an inch when he give them up, though he was a year older. Besides in course a long coat has more pocket money than a coatee, and servants dont treat you any longer as a child and aint afraid to trust vou with a horse. Now if I go to smoke, every one says, look at that brat smoking, what a shame it is for the parson to let that boy use a cigar ! just as if I hadnt as good a right as they have, the lubbers. Oh! yes, dear Bob, I wish 12 134 THE LETTER-RAO OF with all my heart vou was here, it would make you split your sides a laughing to see how putting broke glass into boots makes fellows limp like beggars and sing out for boot Jacks, and how running pins into cushions makes the women race off screaming and scratching ; but there aint so much fun when you have to do it all yourself, and no one besides to laugh with at the joke, it makes it dull sport after all. I expect I shall be caught yet, but if I am, and had up for it afore the old Governor, I will swear it was all Bill, for he deserves a hiding, the coward, for not joining in it. I am to have all holidays while I am gone except a lesson every day in Latin grammar, but I have been all over it before, so it will take no time at all to do it. When I get to New York I will write you again and let you know what sort of a place it is and how the Yankee girls look, and if I get my long coat out of father, I '11 have fine fun among them. I dont like to speak to them now, for short coats looks foolish. Re- member me to all the boys and particularly to Betty housemaid and believe me dear Bob Your faithful friend, Tom Trotter. l^- "*■ {,M i make you ►utting broke beggars and ng pins into reaming and len you have [o laugh with I. I expect I ip for it afore 1 Bill, for he ining in it. ;one except a t I have been at all to do it. ou again and J and how the ig coat out of I dont like to s foolish. Re- ularly to Betty friend, )M Trotter. »,-• •>•. THE GREAT WESTERN. 135 No. XX. LETTER ■•'4: FROM THE PROFESSOR OF STEAM AND ASTRONOMY, OTHERWISE CALLED THE CLERK, TO THE DIRECTORS. ■^ ■", "•* Gentlemen — A becoming consideration for my own char- acter in literary attainments which primarily procured for me the honour of an introduction to the unincor- porated board of directors of the Great Western and their unanimous election to the situation I have the pleasure to fill of principal in their academical school for scientific and nautical training of their junior offi- cers, compels me to announce most reluctantly but peremptorily and decidedly that if it is intended to initiate those young gentlemen thoroughly in their pro- fession it must be effected on shore, and that this ma- rine seminary will inevitably sink in public estimation if kept afloat on board of the Steamer. It cannot be denied with a due regard to truth and veracity, that the young gentlemen whose minds are fitted naturally with 'expansive gear,* have their astronomical and mathematical problems at what is vulgarly called their finger ends, because every thing that is approached with tarry fingers usually adheres to them pertina- ciously ; but that is not the sort of acquirements most to be desired, nor can the calculations which are so abstruse and difficult be executed with accuracy and precision, where the jarring of the boat converts O'ts into 6'ss and Va into 3's, and so disfigures (if I may use „df?i 136 THE LETTER-BAG OF the expression) every figure that it is no longer to be recognized by the hand that traced its configuration. In the same manner a complex motion, compounded of pitching, rolling and vibrating, is utterly destructive and subversive of certainty in taking meridianal alti- tudes, especially when to these difficulties is added a speed of twelve miles an hour with all steam on and 15 revolutions. The damp and moist exhalations evolved by water, heated to 419°, pervading the interior of the lecture- room, by insinuating itself through the insterstices and crevices of the ship, obliterates from the slates all traces or distinctness of arithmetical and iilgebraical figures, and before calculations are terminated the pri- mary part is obfuscated by the occultations of steam, and by the time assidupus application has restored it, we have the same mortification arising in the other extremity. Discouraging as these difficulties unques- tionably are, they are altogether insignificant, when compared to the obstructions arising from the noises produced by the vociferous bleating of calves and sheep, the incessant lowing of cows, the acute intona- tions of swine, the cackling of poultry, the discordant voices of two hundred people, the uproar of the ele- ments, the noise of the ponderous machinery, and the thunder of the ever-revolving wheels; amidst these numerous, complicated, and perplexing distractions, to abstract the attention and apply it to abstruse studies, is an eflfort not to be expected from juvenile minds and exuberant spirits, more especially, when, to learn, implies an absence of knowledge ; and the very act of resorting to a professor, implies an insinuation of either overgrown ignorance to young men, or of boyish age, incompatible with manly stature, either of which suppositions is repugnant to aspiring youth, desirous to be classed among men, especially by women. There is no " indicator," that I know of, to the machinery of the mind ; and the only way of ascertaining results is, to THE GREAT WESTERN. 137 onger to be anfiguration. compounded J destructive ridianal alti- s is added a team on and ed by water, f the lecture- stevstices and Lhe slates all d algebraical nated the pri- Qns of steam, IS restored it, in the other ;ulties unques- nificant, when ,m the noises f calves and acute intona- the discordant >ar of the ele- inery, and the amidst these iistractions, to struse studies, nile minds and len, to learn, the very act insinuation of n, or of boyish her of which fth, desirous to ,men. There machinery of ig results is, to I apply the " Camm " of seclusion " to cut off the stroke," as it is called, and mark the advance made in relation to time and study given. A manifestation of reluc- tance, or, rather, a resistance to deferential respect, to the superior attainments and acquisitions of the princi- pal, is, therefore, to be expected, as much as it is to be deplored and lamented, as well as for the young gentle- man, on the one hand, as by the professor on the other ; for it is obvious to the most superficial understanding of the directors, that, where there is no obedience, there can be no authority ; and where no progress is made in studies, there can only be a corresponding ab- sence of advancement in learning. Unless the mind is well stored, and constantly kept in full employment, it is ap^ to generate more " clinker," than any thing else. The valves require daily overhauling, and the waste ones to be " disconnected," or it is impossible to make any progress. Men, who come dripping wet from their duties, are not in a fit state for dry sciences ; and, to be both officers and boys, juvenesque senesque — com- manding on deck one moment, and obeying under deck the next, approximate as incompatible with human na- ture, and the working of the machinery of the mind. Steering in a straight line, by point of compass, as is done in a steamer, is apt to superinduce upon the va- cuum of youthful understanding, a belief, that naviga- tion is, what those young gentlemen facetiously and technically call, " all in my eye," and that a direction once given, has only to be followed to attain the end of the voyage, by keeping the eye fixed steadily on the compass, an opinion not more unfounded and irrelevant, than unsafe and precarious, whether it regards the at- tainment of knowledge, or the discovery of the port or haven of ultimate destination. Female passengers, I may be permitted to observe, are too powerful mag- nets not to cause serious variations from duty, in the young men, and occasion them to camber, or break down in life. Studying the needle is not the most im- 12* 136 THE LfiTT£R-BAO Or portant pursuit in the whole compass of duty that it forms one of its most prominent ; and I am painfully con- vinced that the cadets, who may be said to be in their summer solstice, are more desirously solicitous about their own figures (which is the zenith of their ambition,) than mathematical ones ; and such conduct must, in- evitably, reduce them to the nadir of mere cyphers. This sort of distinction was so well known to the great lexicographer, that he has most appropriately and po- litely added it, by way of insinuation to most words, implying youthful errors — mishap — mistake — misfor- tune — misunderstanding — mischief — misled — misery — and many others. Here they are exposed more than any other place, I know of, to the blandishments of the sex ; and, I know not how it is, but I have often ob- served there is a natural, an alliterative, and, perhaps, a chemical affinity between petty officer?^ and petty- coats. — Dulde ridentum Lalagen amabo— Dulce Lo- quentem. Indeed, by the universal laws of motion, the amount of attraction is directly as the quantity of matter, and inversely as the squares of the distances, which shows how all-pervading it must be on board of ship. To at- tempt a course of study with young men under such noxious and powerful influences as female eyes, is as unwise and unsafe as for white men to attempt field- operations in the sun in the West Indies. Nothing impinges more seriously on studies ; it has a tendency to make them romantic, which in asthetics is equally at variance with the antique and classic lore. Had the directors been younger men themselves, and un- derstood the rhabilomancy of the mind as well as they do of commerce, they would have felt the impropriety of exposing their cadets to the potential miasmata of such an atmosphere of female allurements, which may very appropriately be called " the milky way of Cupid." In the descent down the inclined plane of character, induced by these causes, if good instruction THE GREAT WESTER17« 139 offer any resistance, that resistance ought to increase in a high ratio with the speed. Tlie motion of a train of dissipation connmonly continues to be accelerated until it obtains a velocity, which produces a resistance from good principles, such as combined with the fric- tion of discipline, is equal to the gravitation down the plane. Adopting a semi-naval uniform for these youthful votaries of science, and giving them the rank and title of cadets, the insignia of an office, which the emulous and now awakened people of Bristol pronounce to be superior to a similar grade in Her Majesty's service ; permitting them to wear the gold lace band on the cap, and acceding to them the seducing gilt button with the emblematical letters G. W. on them, has infused too much caloric into their juvenile aspirations for female approbation, and they are unwilling that such graceful and elegant young officers should be mistaken for disciples of a pedagogical establishment. Their pre- dilections are strong to draw a comparison in their own favour with W. S.'s of Edinboro, and there is a supercilious daring in their haughty carriage, as if, in the event of an action with the enemy, ihey would stand by their boiler and keep up the steam unhesitat- ingly and unremittingly, till they died. But this is not the only evil attending the progress of science in this ship, as refers to my situation as principal. There is another joint cut of place, to use a familiar expression at " flange." The office of librarian, which has been unsolicited by me, but conferred voluntarily and hand- somely, as an honorary appointment in consequence of there being no salary attached to it, is one which is accompanied by a corresponding unsatisfactory result. So little attention is often paid to orthography in the written order of the passengers for books, that it is ap- proximate to impossible to comprehend what they mean, added to which for want of catalogues the de- mands are invariably for books not contained in the 140 THE LETTER-BAG Or library, which leads to disappointment in the first in- stance, renewed vexation in the second, and not unfre- quenlly in the third to impatience, if not impertinence. It is in vain that I deprecate explicitly, that I am an- swerable for the books only, which are placed here by the literary committee of the directors, and not for those not ordered by them, which would involve an absurdity. — The blank page at the beginning and end of each volume is invariably abstracted, which is a most singular selection, and proves the illiterate condi- tion of the passengers, for there is nothing of course to read upon it, while the outside wrapping-cover shares the same fate. Yet forsooth, these are the men who say the library is not varied and copious enough to meet the increased advancement of the age. Were it not that my anger is " blown off" occasionally upon the cadets, these passengers would be in danger of "an explosion" that would astonish them, for passion is " generated faster" than is safe for them by their Ignorance. But, gentlemen, there is another subject, which deli- cacy suggests to be passed over in silence, while a due sense of the value of science, the inextinguishable debt of gratitude, owed to it by innumerable steam companies, and an appreciation of self-respect, com- pels me to a reference ; I mean the assignment to me of some other duties, not necessary to enumerate, but which are within the cognizance of the directors, and reduce me to the situation of an humble clerk, a name, indeed, which many people, and I am sorry to add, the captain himself sometimes applies to me, from the habit of absolute command, which he acquired in the navy. Among many, I would only notice one, namely, to stand by and see the young gentlemen draw their water, which it appears, by the Nero-like regulations of the board, emanated from your honourable body, and is at once painful and degrading, more particu- larly, to see that water measured, and to keep cocks THE GREAT WESTERN. 141 the first in- id not unfre- iTi pertinence, at I am an- iced here by and not for 1 involve an ing and end which is a terate condi- of course to cover shares he men who s enough to [e. Were it lionally upon mger of "an T passion is 3m by their , which deli- ce, while a tinguishable rable steam ispect, com- iment to me imerate, but 'ectors, and ;rk, a name, |rry to add, le, from the luired in the |ne, namely, draw their regulations •able body, ►re particu- Ikeep cocks under locks and keys, for fear of wasting the precious liquid. The water casks, I conceive, might more pro- perly be under the charge of the culinary artist, or cook, whose occupation is more connected with the hydroscope than a learned professor. This is a subject, on which, though it is a desideratum to be moderate, " the connecting rods, and inner plummer-block brasses " of my temper, always "work hot," and my own rea- son is insufficient to reduce the temperature of them, or to " keep heavy bearings cool." Such services are incompatible with the rank and station of a lecturer on astronomy and mathematics, inconsistent with the du- ties of my proper office, and derogatory from the spe- cific gravity and dignity of the liberal sciences. Under these painful circumstances, I would suggest a removal of the seminary to Clifton, where it could be enlarged, to accommodate the students of other ships, and where practical navigation could be taught in all its branches, Dy the aid of a few experimental trips on that sinuous and difficult, but most beautiful of rivers, the Severn. Nothing can be done without strict discipline. Screw- ing up the nuts, detaching loose bolts, tightening the slide packings, drag-links, and other bearings of the mind or the waste valves, will let oflf instruction as fast as it is supplied. Should this suggestion not be accept- able, I beg leave to resign the commission I have the honour to hold from the board, after due consideration of the heavy responsibility of my position, and a full review of all the consequences immediate and ulti- mate. Should it involve any material want of confi- dence in the public, in this great steamer, or detract from the pre-eminent rank of this splendid ship in the scale of the European mercantile marine, I can only deplore so sad a result to the stockholders, which, that they may avert by a timely application of preparatory measures, is the ardent aspiration of your most de- voted humble servant, Peter Quadrant. 142 THE LETTER-BAO OF No. XXI. LETTER FROM MOSES LEVY TO LEVI MOSES. My deersh Frent — Veil, hear I sm on pord te Crate Weshtern shet up liksh a tog, and so shick to ma shtomac as a pompsh te live longsh lay. Vare it all comsh from I dont know, shelp me Cot, for I cant shwaller noting at all, and have got noting in me dat I knowsh of, and yet it comsh and comsh, as if "tere was no ent to it like a sphrink, dat runsh ofcr all te time, and never shtophs for roneink. Ma trowsher ish too larsh for ma, I have fell away sho, and looksh as if tey washnt made for ma, vitch is true, for I bought dem from Bill Gubbinsh, but den tey fitted me ash well as if tey wash, and sho ma coat hanks ash loose ash a pursheres shirt on a hantshpike, and ma tonke is all furred up vid nap, lonker den vat is on ma hat, blow ma tight if it aint. Veil den, varte am I to do, I cant shet no lonker to cards to play, den de teal, and den I am oblished to cut and rhun, and so soon ash 1 gets pack and taksh up te cartes, it comsh akain, ant I have no more time den to trow town te cartsh and off and trow upde shick. Oh, mine Cot! put tish too pad ash ever you did she, ant worsher too, it would pe petter to die ash to live longh dish way. But dat ish not de worsht, needer, for I looshes te monish, by linking more of maself dan de cartsh; and comink and goink, up alit town, back wart and forwart te whdle plessed time, and no resht for min lingk te come and petterigk ven a hopportunita hofTerS) vitch is g n\ l\ d d TUB GREAT WESTERN. 143 goot and otc to be shccsed upon; nnd I cant trusht ma memory no more ash to nopoty elsh, for it is shick, too, I do pclceve, and wont liolt nottink no more asli ma shtomac, and varte dcy getsh dey cant keep, and vat dey kepsli is no coot, and would pc more petter if dey didnt keep. Vel, tish a pity, too — strikcsh ma turn, if it hishn't ! for she ish a hiry exponshive sheep, is te Crate Wcsh- tern ; te passage cosht a crate teal of monish — more ash forty-two shovereigns ; and tere ish a nople chansh amongsht sho many reshpectable and rish shentlemans to do bishness ; playing and petting, and shelling and shancing, and pying and sho on, espeshially at night, ven de viskey kome in and dc cawshin go out. Oh, tear ! oh, tear ! put tis too pad, I am so tampt mishfor- tinate ash not for to pe aple to do noting no more, ash a child, I am sho shick te whole time, and more tcad ash alive, and more onelokey ash tead. De tey vil take te she-shickness, I say , I woodn't take anoter voyage to shave ma life, shelp ma cot. I moslit afeart America ish no conetry for te Jewish, no more ash Scotland ish vitch hash notink in it at all put pride ant povety, ant oatmeal and vishkey. Te Yankee all knowish too mush for us, ant too mush wide awake, ant sho sharp ash a neetle at making von pargain, vitch give no chansh at all to a poor jew to lift*. Den dey have no prinches, no noples, nor rish lorts, vat spend de monish before he pecomes tu, ant runsh in debt, ant give ponts ant mortgage, ant premium for te loan, ant asksh no questions bout te casht, so lonk as he gets varte monish he wantish. Den dere railroat stoksh, and pank stoksh, and state stoksh, are just fete for to loshe all vat you putsh into dem, or elsh dey would pay dem demselves, if dere wash any tink at all to pc mate in dem, vitcli dere aint, and dey knowsh it so well as I do, ant more petter too. Dish lettare vill be shent by a prifit hopportunita till Spring Rish altare te postage to von penny. He cot n 144 THE LCTTER-DAO OF it too liitrh poforo, ant now he cot it too low — but dnt isli his !'jok out, ant note mhinc ; hut vcn a lettare cosht no iiioro ash von penny, I will write you ntore regular o'ah I to now, and not cosht so mush nionisli, needer, ash at present time. Your frient, To Mr. Moses Levi. Levi Moses. Posht Schrint. — Oh, mine Cot ! if I havent tun do pishness sinsh 1 rote vat ish rhitten apove itsh a pity — dats all. I aint no more onvvell, put petter ash never; ant I wund pack all my passage monish, ant two sho- vercigns more, ant a halt-shovereign, ant two shillings, three pence, at carts, pesidge five pounds of a pet, and here he ish, all shafe ant shound in mine pocket, and he dont go out vid my leaf, till he preeds and hatches more, to keep up de preed of young shovereigns. Oh! put I liksh to put my hant in mine preeches pocked and feel him, and count him ofer, ant she he ish shafe ant shound. Ven I valk to teck, up ant town ant up ant town pack again, peeplish shay, Mishter Moses, dey shay, varte plcash you sho, make you look so tarnt goot-na- tured to-day, and I shay, oh, he feels goot ant mush petter ash he wash. I cot te medicine here dat cure de she-shickness, ant shet me right again, and den my hand vat is in my pocket, he pats de shovereigns vat is in mine preeches, on de heat, and I tink to maself, goot poys dem shovereigns — vary goot poys, ant has no more dutiful subshects, nor lovingk frients vat ish font of tern dan me. Veil, den, I shell all my boxesh of shigars to te Stewart, when he gets out of shtock, by reashon of te longk voyage, and hash no more left, ant no plashe to go to, to puy dem. I shell em, pecause I wash too ill to shmoke em, maself, ant hadnt no more ush for em ; ant he knowed no petter, for he ish a fool, and dont know vat monish ish, nor de shentlemans, needer — put I do, I hope, or elsh my name ishnt Levi Moses. ^ Tm ORBAT WBlTBllir. ' • lift • • ■ • 4^1' No. XXII. *> No. XXIII. THE MISDIRECTED LETTER No. 1. LETTER FROM A COLONIST TO HIS BROTHER. ':^ My dear and honoured Father — I have the pleasure to acknowledge your letter of the first of February last, giving me the gratifying intelligence of the health of my dear mother and your- self, and upon receipt of it lost no time in complying "with your wishes for my return, by embarking at once for New York in the Great Western. Your indulgence to me on all occasions, requires, even if I were not actuated by a higher motive, that I should implicitly follow your instructions, which, I am aware, are only dictated by an anxious solicitude for my welfare, and I hope you will do me the justice to believe, that the ready obedience I have shown in this case, even at a time when an affection of the lungs required medical treatment, is a proof of my desire to meet your wishes in all things, and upon all occasions. The dampness of the climate in England has operated rather unfavour- ably upon my lungs, aqd a succession of colds has m 152 THE LBTTER-BAO OF .^- rendered . it necessary for me to consult an eminent physician, whose enormous and extravagant charges (which I understand are always more so to strangers) nave made me draw largely upon my letter of credit, but I know that I should not please you unless I took the best advice, let it cost what it would. Indeed, my general expenses have been larger than I could have wished. London is an excessively expensive place to live in, and although I have neither the inclination nor I may add the means for extravagance, yet, I har, my expenditure will appear large to you, for notwithstand- ing the doctor's fees (which is an unforeseen and indis- {)ensable item), the result without that is altogether too arge for a person of my regular and retired habits. You will be surprised to hear that young as I am, I have only been to the theatre once, but that was once too often, andl indeed, I should not have felt a desire to go at all, had it not been for your repeatedly expressed wish, that I should see whatever was worth seeing in London, that my travels might be productive of useful information as well as amusement. To tell you the truth, I have some scruples as to the propriety of visit- ing such places at all ; on that occasion I had the mis- fortune to be run over in the street bv a cab, and was severely stunned and bruised ; and when I came to, I found that I had been relieved by some of the light fingered gentry of this metropolis of the beautiful fifty guinea watch, you were so kind as to give me, and also a quarter's allowance which I had received that day from my banker. I admit that I ought not to have carried that money about me, but that I do not regret, for economy will easily replace it; but this token of your regard I valued more than the money as a remembrancer of you, and had hoped to have kept it through life, to remind me of the value of time, of the kind friend and monitor that gave it, and as a pledge of parental affection. But providence has ordered it otnerwise, and I must submit to that which I can- <* r THE GREAT WESTERN. 153 not control. Had I not been deprived of all sensation I would have parted with my life sooner than with that little keepsake. — The doctors, I am sorry to say, seem to think that the affection of my lungs has been increased by the injury I have received. I have made a valuable addition to my medical library, upon which I have spent what most young men of my age would have consumed upon their pleasures. I shall leave the books to follow, and hope tney will arrive safe. I look forward with the greatest pleasure and anxiety to see you all again, and shall hurry home again as fast as possible to resume the study of my profession in my native place, where with your powerful connexion and valuable advice, I make no dou^ , I shall fulfil all your expectations. To qualify myself for thus entering upon the duties of life, I have lost no opportunity of attending the best lecturers at the several hospitals. It gives me the greatest pain to hear from you that my brother Tom is inclined to dissipation and extra- vagance. I was always afraid that such would be the result of your too indulgent allowance, which it is never prudent to enlarge as you have done, for a young man of his gay temperament. If I find on my return that he persists in these courses, I shall be under the ne- cessity of withdrawing in a great measure from his society ; for evil communications, according to an old proverb, have unquestionably a deleterious influence on the manners and principles. I have bought you a very improved pair of patent spectacles, which, I think, you will find very useful, and also a newly invented ear- trumpet for poor dear mother, which, I hope, you and she will do me the favour to accept and wear for the sake of, dear and honoured father, Your most affectionate and dutiful son, Arthur Snob. •c r :m 154 TUK LBTTER-BAO Or {;„ ■ lil No. XXIV. vV' THE MISDIRECTED LETTER, No. 2. A COLONIST TO HIS FATHER. My dear Tom — You will be surprised to hear 1 am on board the Great Western, instead of coming direct to Que- bec ; but I intend to run the full length of my tether, and have made up my mind to have a lark in the states before I come back. What the old cove will say to this, I do not know ; but I have written a letter to him by this packet, that will effectually hood-wink him, I hope. It is quite in his own style, and as good as be d d. I have had a glorious time of it, both in Lon- don and Paris, and have gone the whole figure; but it has cost so much money, that I am afraid to add it all up. How the devil to account for this expendi- ture to our old governor, I don't know ; for, besides ordinary expenses, I have had a job for the doctor, my health having materially suffered by my dissipations. I have wiped out part of this, by swearing I was run over and robbed of a quarter's allowance, and the gold watch he gave me, which I left in pawn ; and have ac- counted for the doctor's part, by an inflammation of the lungs, from the damp climate, while another part I have set down to books, which, of course, will never arrive. For heaven's sake, look out for the name of some vessel that has foundered at sea, or been wrecked and cargo lost, that I may fix on her for having my library on board. What to say for the rest, I positively do not know — can't you help me ? Try and think it over, THE OREA'i' WESTERir. f 155 that's a good fellow, for something must be done, or the old man will play the devil with me, when I return. Lord ! I thought I should have died a laughing, once, in Paris, dancing one Sunday afternoon with a (Irizette, in the Champ Ellisis, where there was a splendid hop, and thinking if my old evangelical father was to see me, how it would make him stare with all his eyes. He would have edified his saints for a month, by this instance of back-sliding, if he had seen it. Poor, dear, good old man, I must say he has a little dash of the hypocrite about him, and I never can resist laughing, when I look into that smooth, sly, canting visage of his. What fun it would have been, if he had happened to have been in Paris, then, to have inveigled him in there, and then quizzed him about it afterwards — wouldn't it? I will tell you who I did see there, though, and it will astonish you to hear it, as much as it did not me ; no less than Deacon Closefist — I did, upon my honour. The moment I saw him, I cut and run, for I was danc- ing and he was not, and I didn't want him to see me, any more than he did, that I should come across his hawser. I have had a very awkward affair in one of the gambling houses of London, before I left town. It was at the Quadrant, with a young fellow of the Tem- ple, and I was under the disagreeable necessity of calling him out. We exchanged shots, twice, and I was fortunate enough to pink him in the hand, without endangering his life, and to escape being hit, myself, which is very lucky, for he was a capital shot. I was in a dreadful funk, for fear it would get wind, and find its way into the newspapers, when some damned good- natured friend would have been sure to have told father all about it, especially as the quarrel was about a fair friend of mine. It's no use talking about it, Tom, but women are at the bottom of all the mischief in the world. I wish the devil had the whole of them, for they have led me into a pretty mess of expense and trouble since I have been abroad ; but if old men will 166 THK LITTER-BAO OT send young men to London, to see the world, why they must just make up their minds to pay the piper, and there is no help for it. I have sent the old boy a pair of spectacles to improve his vision ; don't laugh at the joke when you see them, there is no fear of his being up to it, for he never was up to any thing in his life, but saying money. I have some capitaF stories for you, when we meet, about my adventures, but it's not altogether safe to commit them to paper, for fear of accidents. ^ < * *:* Don't lisp a syllable of all this, and believe me, dear Tom, . ' Yours, always, <• ' * Arthur Snob. '• i ,1. > No. XXV. LETTER • >'■■. '- FROM A LOCO FOCO OF NEW YORK, TO A SYMPATHISER IN VERMONT. My Dear Johnston — So many persons have lately travelled through North America, all of whom have made most singular and valuable discoveries in the theory of government, that I have made it my business, during my recent visit to Great Britain, to enquire into the state of the nation, the condition of the people, and the causes of discon- tent, and have now the pleasure of sending you an ab- stract of my observations, which I shall, shortly, publish more at large. I feel satisfied I shall astonish the na- THE GREAT WESTERIT. 157 why they piper, and boy a pair ugh at the his being in his life, stories for jQt it's not for fear of e me, dear HUR Snob. IK, TO A IT. 3d through [st singular )vernment, recent visit Ithe nation, lof discon- ^ou an ab- hy, publish ish the na- tives with the magnitude of the disclosures, and the importance of the subjects contained in my work, and exhibit a state of misrule and misgovernment that is perfectly appalling. One of the most startling disco- veries that I have made is, that the people of the upper island, or England, speak a different language, and hold a different religion from those in the lower island of Ireland. Until my visit, this important truth was never known; and it bears a strong resemblance to the fact, recently ascertained by a great linguist, that the French, of Canada, are not Anglo-Saxons, and do not speak English. Indeed, I may say, that nothing in my book is of more importance than this information; for, the consequence is, the Irish members of parlia- ment usually vote one way, and the English, another. England, as might be expected, from the indolence and ignorance of its rulers, for centuries past, is filled with people dissatisfied with the government and the exist- mg order of things. These people are termed Chartists, and contain among them a great body of respectable, well-informed, and able men, and constitute, it seems, the majority of the people : I have, therefore, felt it my duty, to make their conciliation my chief study. They complain that the higher orders — persons of property and standing in the kingdom, are linked in a common interest for the support of monarchial institutions, and they, therefore, very properly style them " the family compact," or " official gang ;" a very singular coinci- dence with what is now going on in a distant part of the empire. The bench, the magistrates, the high offices of the episcopal church, and a great part of the legal profession, as well as the army and navy, are filled by adherents of this party; and, until lately, shared among them, almost exclusively, all offices of trust and profit. They complain that this compact co-operates for the purpose of oppressing the poor, of tyrannizing over the weak, of suppressing instruction, or rather confin- U 158 THE LETTBR-BAO OP ing it to themselves, and of ruining the nation : and from their weaUh, station in life, and education, I conceive it to he true, more especially as so many of them belong to the established churches of England and Scotland. They also allege that the upper branch of the legislature is composed altogether of people of this class, which, indeed, its very name, " House ot Lords," seems to prove, and that such has been the favouritism of this " compact party," that no instance is known of a Chartist being made a Lord Chancellor, an Archbishop, a Chief Justice, or a Peer of the realm, or filling any of the high offices about the Palace or the person of the Queen, a case of partiality and mis- rule unparalleled in the history of any country. The object of the Chartists is to render the House of Lords elective and responsible to them, which universal suf- frage will iiievitably produce; and it is in vain to con- ceal the fact, that they never will be content with any thing short of this reform, nor do I think they ought. Despairing of constitutional redress, for these accumu- lated evils, they most imprudently took up arms at Birmingham, before they were quite ready for the revolution, and destroyed much property as well as many lives. I think there should be a general pardon of the offenders, the jails opened, and the patriots set at large. Politics are sacred, and opinions are not fit subjects for legal enquiries. They were evidently en- trapped into rebellion, as appears by the circumstance of the Dragoons being stationed at so great a distance as London, an opinion which is strengthened by the fact, that the head of the county, though aware of the danger, relied upon the constabulary force, for the preservation of the peace, instead of the military. A general pardon of these respectable persons, whose feelings 1 should be reluctant to see wounded, by their being sent to a penal settlement, is the most expedient course that occurs to me, for the scene being at a dis- tance, neither the bloodshed nor the destruction of THE ORBAT WESTERN. 15tf property (dreadful ar it must bo admitted to have been) can ever reach us, and besides, many of the objects they demand, I fully approve of. Another subject of complaint is the large tracts of land, held by the mem- bers of this family compact, who by purchase or in- heritance own nearly the whole island, when so many thousands of people are anxious to get possession of these estates, and are not permitted to do so. This is a serious evil, and it is my opinion, in all cases where the title is by grant, the Crown should eiujuire into their origin, and resume them. There are woods, and parks, and uncultivated land in England, owned by a few landholders of the clique, sulKciently large to sup- fort all the poor and idle people of North America, n France, during its revolution, which is ever exciting the envy and admiration of these res[)ectable and intel- ligent people, the Chartists, confiscation of the over- grown property of their family compacts, formed a valuable source of public revenue and private specula- tion, and they naturally regard the examples of their neighbours as one to be followed by them, an idea which I have done my best to encourage. With re- gard to the Church question, it is necessary to speak out plainly. It has been endowed, from time to time, with grants of real estate ; and the discontented party very properly claim to have an equal division of this property among all those sects who have none, and I am satisfied, it is the only rational way of appeasing their clamours. He that gives may take away. — The Law gave it. Alter the Law and take it away — in either case it is the operation of Law. Whate ar apparent right, law and usage may give the Estab- lished Church, to these lands, reason gives none, and in this enlightened age, reason must prevail in all mat- ters of religion ; and mysteries, the subject of faith, must be given up. A stated resident clergy are unsuited to a migratory people like the English, who live in rail- cars and steamboats, and strolling preachers like stroll- 160 THE LETTER-BAO OF ing players, are better adapted to their tastes, habits, and amusements. On all these points, I have recom- mended their leaders to cultivate a good understand- ing with, and to copy the excellent example of the French, who have destroyed all their family compacts, and by assimilating their institutions to those of their neighbours, to remove all occasions of heart-burnings and envy. Scotland I have not seen, but my clerk took a ride into it of twelve hours, and he informs me that more than half the houses are uninhabited, the natural con- sequence of misrule and misgovernment. It is easy to conceive how great must be the distress occasioned by the abandonment of their houses, for as the popula- tion has more than doubled notwithstanding, within the last twenty years, it is evident the people must live in the open air, with the beasts of the field, and will soon become as ferocious and as savage as their compan- ions, and, like Nebuchadnezzar, feed on the coarse herb- age of the earth. This startling fact has I know been doubted, but I am convinced of its truth, because one of their most popular authors has endeavoured to sti- mulate his countrymen to exertion, to induce them to make rail-roads and to prevail upon them to adopt the modern improvements in agriculture, which is to my mind a convincing proof that he disapproves of the Government, though delicacy prevents his saying so ; or perhaps, being opposed to revolutionary doctrines, he has thought proper to conceal what he thinks. Al- though he nas not said so, therefore I conclude he thinks so, and boldly appeal to his writings in support of my theory and facts, from the very circumstance of his having wholly omitted any such expressions of discontent. One thing I certainly was not prepared to find, not- withstanding the very low opinion I entertain of Eng- lish institutions — namely, the debased and degraded state of the mercantile marine. jn^-»-j- THE GREAT WESTERN. 161 The same exclusive and compact feeling exists here as elsewhere. It will hardly be believed that the entire command of the ship is intrusted to the Captain — that the seamen have no voice in the choice of this officer, nor any control over him — that he has a council com- posed of his lieutenants and mates, neither of whom are elected by the men, nor amenable to them — and that the only responsibility that exists is to the Di- rectors, who do not live on board, seldom visit the ship, and actually reside in Bristol ! If any seaman says he is dissatisfied with this treatment, the Captain very coolly tells him he may leave the ship ; and if he re- peats his complaints, he does actually discharge him. Several meetings of the sailors have taken place at the forecastle, amounting to a large majority on board, demanding an extension of suffrage, the election of their own officers, and responsible government. They say a knowledge of navigation is not necessary for command, and that a familiarity with the names of the ropes is quite sufficient. They also protest against the enormous salaries of the officers and the immense disparity of the pay of the Captain, which is fifty pounds a month, and theirs, which is the paltry sum of three pounds; and although they have repeatedly offered to do the Captain's work for ten pounds a month, whereby a saving of four hundred and eighty pounds a year would be effected, their offers have been met by indecent ridicule. Upon one occasion they re- fused to work and actually ar-ned and drilled, and the Captain, who is a member of the Church of England (and of course has every bishop to back him), and a son of a member of the compact (which gives him the support of the whole official gang), a nephew of an- other, and has a daughter married to a Judge (which precludes every one from any hope of justice in any case where he is concerned) — this man had the as- surance to talk of mutiny, and in an official letter called them disaffected. To show the gross corruption 14* 162 THE LBTTER-BAO OF of the faction it is only necessay to state, that instead of saying their own prayers, which as Christians they are bound to do, the officers have a chaplain, at an over- grown salary, exceeding that of any three sailors ; and the boatswain, who offered in the most disinterest- ed manner to perform his duty for the nominal remu- neration of a fig of tobacco, and a glass of grog, was reported in a private letter to the directors as a trouble- some man ; and though the situation of first lieutenant has been twice vacant since this happened, he has been as often refused promotion. I have conversed with the leading minds among the sailors, many of whom are extremely well-informed, and exhibit great talent. They repudiate, in the most loyal manner, the idea of mutinyzing or seizing the ship, with great scorn. All they require is to have the entire apd sole command of her; and are quite willing to concede to the directors the privilege of protecting and defending her. They also disavow all idea of dissolving British connexion ; and promise to purchase their cargoes in the United Kingdom, if a bankrupt law is adjusted on board, to their satisfaction, so that they could continue to do business, and retain their property, if ever they should be so unfortunate as to become bankrupt. These are reasonable demands ; and a most numerous, influential, and highly respecta- ble body of our enlightened citizens at New York, called Sympathisers, (of which you are one,) are will- ing to assist them in every legitimate mode to obtain redress for these grievances. Responsibility is now the catch-word of the Chartist party ; and they are al- ready reaping the fruit of the seed sown by me ; — a quicker germination, and a more premature harvest has never been exhibited to the world. To make the upper branch of the legislature elective, will soon lead to making the throne elective, and universal suffrage, short parliaments, and vote by ballot, naturally conduce to the great end. The Chartists will then have the THE GREAT ^/VESTKRIT. 163 fovernment in their own hands, and every body will e responsible but themselves. In short, nothirg 'vill satisfy the able and intelligent reformers of the party, but an equalization of property. We are all born equally helpless, and we all repose at last in one com- mon receptacle. Life is ushered in, and the last scene closes, without any distinction, to all alike ; and it is not fitting that, during our transitory abode here, these artificial differences should exist. It is abundantly evident that every thing which the Compacts call respectable and estimable, in England, must be abolished, if they wish to preserve tranquillity. Where there is nothins to respect, there will be nothing to envy ; and where there are no fortunes, there can be no inequality of condition. A man who is better ofT than his neighbour should ^e held responsible for it, and he who carries his head higher than his fellow- citizens, should suffer decapitation for his presumption. In preparing my tour for publication, I have en- deavoured to avoid all partiality. During my residence in England, I had an ample opportunity of*^ seeing the state of the country, for I sailed once up the Thames in a steam-boat, with nobody on board but my clerks and partner, so that from the deck of the vessel I saw the condition of the people uninterrupted. I crossed the channel in like manner, and spent twenty-four hours in Ireland ; and from the window of the inn I observed what was going on among the Ribbon-men oi" that island, and other secret societies of Patriots. Instead of conferring with the principal inhabitants, who all belong to the family compact party, and whose whole souls are absorbed in contriving how to enslave the nation, I consulted only my own clerks, so that no one can say I have prejudices instilled into my mind, or that the important discoveries I have made, are not wholly and exclusively my own. Of them I feel I have a rig'^t to be proud, as both original and uniqne. As an ap^^ndix I shall add several valuable disserta- 164 THE LETTER-BAG OF tions, among which will be found an interesting one on bowel complaints, illustrated by beautiful drawings of the modus operandi; and on hallucinations of the mind. I feel that ii would be criminal in me to with- hold such valuable information as I have collected, or to deprive the world of the use of my discoveries. You must, therefore, not be surprised to see this first in print, before you receive the original, as it is im- portant the whole should be made public as soon as possible. I am, my dear Bill Johnson, Yours truly, , \ !- Timothy Noddy. No. XXVI. LETTER FROM A COACHMAN ON THE RAIL-ROAD LINE. Dear Friend — «^^^^ - Old England and I has parted for ever ; I have thrown down the rains, and hear I am, on board the Great Western, old, thick in the wind, stiff in the joints, and tender in the feet — I am fairly done up — I couldn't stand it no longer. When you and me first know'd each other, the matter of a dozen years agone, I drove the Red Rover, in the Liverpool line. You recollects the Red Rover, and a pretty turn-out it was, with light green body, and wheels picked out with white, four smart bays, and did her ten miles an hour, easy, with- T, THE GREAT WESTERN. 165 out ever breaking into a gallop, and never turned a hair. Well, I was druv off of that by the rails, and a sad blow that was, for I liked the road, and passsengers liked me, and never a one that didn't tip his bob and a tizzy for the forty miles. Them was happy days for old England, afore reformers and rails turned every think upside down, and men rode as natur* intended they should, on pikes with coaches, and smart active cattle, and not by machinery like bags of cotton and hardware. Then I takes the Highflyer, on the South- ampton road ; well, she warnt equal to the Red Rover — and it warnt likely she could ; but still, she did her best, and did her work well and comfortably, eight miles to fifty-five minutes, as true as a trivit. People made no complaints, as ever I heard of, when, all of a sudden, the rail fever broke out there, too ; up goes the cars, and, in course, down goes the coaches, and me alons with them. One satisfaction was, it warnt the Highflyer's fault — it warnt she broke down, it was the road ; and if people is so foolish as not to go by coaches, why coaches can't go of themselves, as stands to common sense and reason. I warnt out of employ long, and it warnt likely I should — I was too well known for that ; few men in my line was so well known ; and it arnt boasting, or nothink of the sort, but no more nor truth to say, few men was better liked on the road, in all England, nor I was ; so I was en- gaged on the Brighton line, and drew the Markiss of Huntly. You knowed the Markiss, in course, every body knowed her, she was better hossed nor any coach in England ; it was a pleasure to handle the ribbons in one's new toggery, where the cattle was all blood, and the turn-out all complete, in all parts — 'pointments and all. We had a fine run on that line — roads good, coaches full, lots of lush, and travelled quick. But the rails got up an opposition there, too, and the pikes and coaches couldn't stand it no more nor on the other lines. The coaches was took off, the bosses was sold off, and lOG . THE LBTTER-BAO OF there I was, the third time, off myself, on the stones, again. As long f\s there was any chance, I stood up under it Uke a man — it aint a trifle makes me give in; but there is no chance, coaches is done in England, and so is gentlemen ; sending to the station for parcels and papers, is a different thing from having them dropt at the gate, and so they'll find when its too late. Mind what I telly, Joe, the rails will do for the gents, only give em time for it, as well as for the coaches. That thiefs whistle of a car is no more to be compared to the music of a guard's horn, than chork is to cheese; its very low, that. It always sets my teeih on edge. They'll find, some of those days, what all this levelling will come to in England — I 'm blest if they don't; level- ling coachmen down to stokers, is the first step, the next is levelling the gents down to the Brummagim tradesmen. They are booked for a fall, when they'll find no retuf n carriages, or I 'me mistaken; but it serves *em right, where people will be so obstinate as not to see how much better dust is than smoke, and they needn't even have dust, if they choses to water the roads, as they ort. There is no stopping, now, to take up or put down a passenger. That day is gone by, and returns by a different road. Accidents, too, is more common on the rails than on the pikes, and when the rails begins, they always kills — there is no hopes of having the good luck to lose a limb, as there is with coaches. You can't pull them up, as you can bosses, they haint got no sense, and it don't stand to reason they can stop themselves, or turn out. I never run over but one man all the time I was on the road, and that was his own fault, for he was deaf and didn't hear us in time ; and one woman, and she run the wrong way, though the lamps was lit, and it served her right for being so stupid. I have always observed women and pigs run the wrong way, it's nateral to them, and they hadnt ort to suffer them to run at large on the name road with coaches, for they cum to be run over •■■V , A THE GREAT WESTERIT. 167 of themselves, and is very dangerous, frightening hos- ses, and upsetting coaches, by getting under the wheels. But its no use guarding now against accidents, Joe, for coaches is done in England and done for ever, and a heavy blow it is. They was the pride of the country, there wasn't anything like them as I 've heard gemmen say from forrin parts, to be found no where, nor never will be again. Them as has seed coaches afore rails come in fashion, has seed something worth remembring, and telling of agin, and all they are fit for now is to stick up for watch-houses along the rails, for poleesmen to go to sleep in, when they gets moppy. It's a sad thing to think of, and quite art breaking for them as know'd their valy and speed and safety, by day or by night, and could drive them to the sixteenth part of an inch of one another and never touch. That was wat I call seeing life was travelling in a coach, but travelling by rails is like being stowed away in a parcel in the boot ; you can't see nothink nor hear nothink, but coaches is done, Joe, yes they are done, and it's a pity too — I couldn't stand it no longer, first one line knocked up and then another, and nothing seen but bosses going to the ammer, and coachmen thrown out of employ. I couldn't stand it no longer, so I am off to Americka, to a place they calls Nover Scotia, where they have more sense and wont have a rail, tho natur has done one half, and English money is ready to do the other. They prefers coaches and they shows their sense, as time will prove — I am engaged on the line from Halifax to Windsor, that the new steamers will make a busy one, and* where rails, as I hear, are never likely to be interduced, as they have seed the mischief they av done in England. I only wish I ad the old Highflyer or Red Rover or Markiss of Huntly there with their cattle, if I ad Ide show the savages what a coach and bosses, complete, and fit for the Queen to travel in was, but I havn't, nor can't, nor nobody can't, nor never will again, for coaches, such coaches as i; / 168 THE LETTER-BAG OF them I mean, which was coaches and deserved the name of coaches is done — nobody wont see the like of them again. Arter all Joe, it is a ard think for the like of me as has druv the first coach and best team in all England, and the first gemmen of the land, to go out to that orrid savage country Nover Scotia, to end my days among bad bosses, oad coaches, and bad arness, and among a people too whose noses is all blue, as I hear, with the cold there. I never expected to live to see this come to pass, or the day when coaches was done in England, but coaches is done for all that, and here I am broken down in helth and spirits, groggy in both feet, and obliged to be transported to Amerika, all on account of the rails. But if I go on so fast, talking of travelling in old times, I shall be apt to be shying from the main object of my letter, so I must clap the skid on the off wheel of my hart and go gently. I khall have to shorten up my wheel rains preciously to come down to terms. My eyes, what would our old friend the Barynet say to my driving a team without saddles and without breeching, and take a steady drag of seventeen miles — with leather springs and iinch pins instead of patent axles and liptics — no sign board, no mile stones. No Tom and Jerrys, no gin and bitters, coachman and no guards. Hills and dales and no levels ; no bar-maids, post-boys, nor seven mile stages, and what is wus and wus wages and no tip. Oh Joe ! my hart sinks to the axle when I thinks of the past, but fate drives with a heavy hand and a desprate hard curb, and I shall wait with a sharp pull up on my patience, till I gets your next letter, and here- after sets in my place with melancholy as a passenger on the box-seat for ever. I dont much like sending this by the Great Western, for steam has ruined me Joe, but I 've had a copy made to go by the old coach, as I calls the liner, and if she gets the start of leaders heads past westerns swingle trees, you'll get tother one first never fear. — I have no hart to write more at THE GREAT WESTERIT. 108 present, though the thorts of the ribbins do revive me a bit, and when I mount the box once more I will write you again. — So no more at present from Your old friend, Jerry Drag. P. S. Send me a good upper Benjamin of the old cut, and a broad Sirsin^Ie, for my lines is getting ru- matiz in them, and it will draw me up a bit, for f was always a good feeder, and stayin in the stall here, and no walkins exercise, am getting clumsey. Also a decent whip. I always likes to see a Jemmy whip, and so does bosses, for they can tell by the sound of it whether a man know his business or not, as well as a christian could, and better than one half of them can. I hear blue nose whips is like schoolboys fishing-rods, all wood and as stiff as the pole of a coach ; I couldn't handle such a thing as that, and more nor that I wont, for I couldn't submit to the disgrace of it. Also a flask for the side pocket, for I 'm informed them as keeps inns on that road is tea-totallers, and a drop of gin arnt to be had for love or money. Now that gammon wont do for me — I *me not agoing for to freze to death on the box, to please any such Esquimo Indgian Can- garoos as them, and they needn't expect no such think. A glass of gin I must have as a thing in course, so dont forget it. Direct " Royal Blue nose mail coach office, Halifax, Never Scotia — care of Mr. Craig — Letter department" 15 '*;■' "?■•', . -S^' ■}*'- 170 THE I.BTTER-BAO OF No. XXVII. LETTER FROM THE WIFE OF A SETTLER, WHO CANNOT SETTLE, Dear Elizabeth — My dear Simson has concluded to settle in America, and we are now on our way tiiither, on board of the Great Western, and I must say nothing can ex- ceed the delight of going to sea in a ship so splendidly fitted up, and filled with such agreeable company as this, the only drawback being that of sea-sickness, having been more dead than alive ever since I came on board. Simson, dear fellow, is full of plans and rural felicity, and we clear a farm, erect our buildings and grow rich every day, sometimes in one place and sometimes in another, but have not yet made up our minds where. Building castles in the air this way is delightful, if they would only stay there when you finisn them. Among so many charming countries as there are in America, the choice is rather difficult, as your life is hardly safe in any of them. — The valley of the Mississippi is said to exceed in beauty and fertility most parts of the world, and we had thoughts of purchasing a plantation there, but they say it is full of alligators and rattlesnakes, and the people every now and then bu/n down a town, as they recently did at Mobile, on speculation, so we have given up that, al- though it is a great dissappointment. — We then thought of Florida, but the Seminole Indians, it seems, scalp all the men, run off with the women, and murder the THE GREAT WESTERN. 171 dear little children, so I have succeeded in dissuading him from going there. — Texas, thev say, is a perfect paradise, and land so uncommonly cheap that you can buy a farm for the price of a new bonnet, but earth- Guakes are very common, and the people so very cruel tney kill each other with bowie-knifes in the streets in open day, and so reckless that they keep singing " wel- come to your gory bed," as if it was fine sport : so we have had to abandon all idea of it, as it would be mere madness to go there. The southern states we should like very much, for the society is very good and very genteel, and the climate excellent, only a little too hot, which causes the yellow fever to rase so in summer to that degree, that the white people have to aba jdon it till winter, so that it can hardly be said to be a desirable residence, added to which is the constant alarm of insurrection of the negroes and being hanged by mistake for an aboli- tionist. New England is a well regulated country, and free from all those objections, having more educated men and accomplished women in it, than any other place ; but they all talk gibberish, and I hardly feel equal to learning a foreign language, now that I have this little angel to watch over and take care of, and do not like to live among a people whom I do not understand. Besides, I couldn't think of poor little Bob giving up his English altogether, and talking nothing but Yankee Doodle. Canada we have had a very favourable account of, all people agreeing in saying it is a beautiful country, and very eligible to settle in, but they are not only at war among themselves and with their neighbours, but their practices are so barbarous it does not deserve the name of " a civil war " at all. A poor unfortu- nate wretch of the name of " Caroline," (I didn't hear her surname, but I am certain I arp right in her chris- tian one) was lately seized on the American shore by. !;1 1 in THE LBTTER-BAO Of a compact band from Canada, dragged out of her bed at night unrigged as they call it, and just a bare pole, and carried into the middle of the river, and set fire to, and then sent over the falls in a steamboat, screech- ing and screaming in the most awful manner. To retaliate this, those who sympathised with her suifer- ings, her friends and relations came over in their turn to Canada, and seized the creat Sir Robert Peel, and served him the same way, oy making him take a fly- ing jib over the rapids. His visit was cut so short, they call it a " Bobstay " in derision, and to mock him they said as he was a stern man, they would treat him to a spanker, and cut him with lashincs dreadfully, and chasing him about, asked him how he liked running rig- ging. He couldn't have been many days in the country, poor man, for Simson says, he is positive he saw him m the House of Commons not a month before he sailed. Then dear Simson is a member of the Church of Eng- land, and he would have no chance there, for it is con- sidered a great crime in Canada to belong to that denomination, all of whom are called "family com- pacts " on account of bringing up their children to the same religion as themselves, as nothing will go down there, but every individual of a family going to a dif- ferent place of worship from the other. They say it looks liberal. All those who take up arms agamst Government are called Patriots, and all those who stand up for the Queen and Parliament, are called every bad name you can think of. The loyal people frequently get their houses burnt in the night over their heads, and when the Patriots are caught doing it, the hypocrite villains say, it is a christian duty to heap coals of fire on the heads of their enemies. Then we thought seriously of New Brunswick, but that is " too near the line," they say, to live in, though how a country that is so cold, can be " on the line " I don't know. It borders on the states, the nearest one of which is Passa-my-quiddy, so named from the people THE GREAT MTESTERlf. 178 s passinff to each other quids of tobacco, which nasty stufi' they eat all day. One fellow points to another man's mouth, and says, " Quid est hoc ?" and the other replies in the same Yankee lingo, " Hoc est quid," and gives it to him. The New Brunswickers who are a very loyal people, and very civil to strangers — have a great deal of trouble with these neighbours, who are all mad from living " on the line " always, and all the people of the state are called " Maine-iacs." Last winter five thousand of these unfortunate wretches caught the " Line-ophobia," as it is called, and armed themselves, and ran away howling and screaming into the midst of the woods, in the month of March, though the snow was two feet deep, and fancying themselves soldiers, made a target, with the figure of our Gracious Sovereign on it, which they took for an English army and fired at ; and then they drew up a dispatch, and said they had conquered the country and gained a great battle ; and Webster, who is supposed to have caught the infection, declared ancient and modern his- tory had nothing to equal this short but brilliant cam- paign. The poor creatures staid out a month in the wilder- ness in this horrid manner, and were badly frost-bitten, most of them having lost a toe or a nose, or somepro- minent part or another, with the intense cold. They could hear them yelling and blaspheming all the way to Fredericton, for they never slept in the night, but made great fires and danced the war-dance round them, like Indians, — firing off, every now and then, a great wooden gun hooped with iron, and making dreadful faces at the Brunswickers, and calling them bad names. One poor man took a horse with him into the forest, and put some yellow fringe on his coat which was made of a red flannel shirt, and stuck a goose's feather in his hat, and took it into his head he was a general, and carried a naked sword in his hand, with which he cut and slashed away at the limbs of 16* i ■III 174 THE LETTER-BAG OF trees in a most furious manner, thinking they were British soldiers, and swore most awful oaths — that would make your hair stand on end — that he would give them no quarter. Then he led his men up against a saw-mill, which he took for a fort, and stormed it, — and as there was no one living in it, he fancied the garrison had fought till they had died. Webster, in his great war speech, said it was stronger than Gibraltar ; and compared this poor M aine-iac to Alexander, who, he said, had an unsoldier-like trick of carrying his head on one side ; and to Julius Cassar, who got licked and Bowie-knifed at last, like any other man ; and to Napoleon, who lost in one day all he ever conquered ; and to Wellington, who just left off fighting in time to save his character. People say they hardly know which was most to be pitied, Webster or General Con- rad Corncob, both were so mad. The New Bruns- wickers were quite alarmed for fear some of these poor unfortunate creatures should escape from Passa- my-quiddy, and get into the Province and bite some of the inhabitants, and the " line-oph^bia" should spread among them. So they had to send a regiment of sol- diers out to look after them, but before the troops came to where they had encamped, the paroxysm had passed, they had eaten up all their pork and molasses, punkin pies and apple sarce, and got out of tobacco, and, worn out with excitement, cold, hunger and fatigue, had gone home. They say if all Bedlam and the other insane institu- tions in England were opened and the inmates let loose, they wouldn't number half as many as these "poor Maine-iacs," and that they were in such a dreadful rage and so rabid, while the fit was on, the bushes were all covered with slaver and tobacco-spit- tle for miles. I never heard any thing half so horrid in all my life, — and nothing would tempt me to live " on the line," if the climate operates that way on the brain and makes people act as if they were possessed ''■n THE GREAT WESTERIT. 175 of a devil. The Lord preserve dear Sim son and me from " Line-ophobia !" It is worse than cholera morbus. We now think of Nova Scotia, which some people call the happy valley, the natives are such a primitive {)eople, and blessed with every thing that can render ife agreeable, and have no taxes, and borrow English regiments and men-of-war to fight for nothing; but they are subject to that same disease, the "Line- ophobia" too. When they heard these poor wretches, the Maine-iacs, howling in the wilderness last winter, for they could hear them quite plainly, they began to foam at the mouth and to howl too — and voted an army and supplies of Blue-nose potatoes and Digby herrings ibr them, to go and fight those unfortunate people ; and they talked so big and looked so big, the Governor was quite alarmed about them, for they talked of having no officers unless they were native heroes, to lead them to death or victory. So he hu- moured them ; he told them they were valiant men — every body knew ; their zeal being only equalled by the chance there was oi its being wanted ; but that it was not generous for so strong and brave a people as the Blue-noses to roar so loud, as the Americans would either die of fright, or never wait to be beaten, but fly their country ; for, like all other people of such huge stature and strength, the Nova Scotians were not aware of their own power, and that their voice was loud enough to be heard across the Alleghanies on one side and the Atlantic on the other, and strike terror into all within its reach. This speech pacified them by tickling their vanity, and the disease was kept off for a time, though the very word Passa-my-quiddy sets their teeth on edge, and makes them gnash and grit most hideously. All this is very alarming, and I hear too the coal mines every now and then get on fire, which is very dangerous, and has a tendency to make them warm tempered, and keep them in hot water all the time. Newfoundland Jt 178 THE LETTER-BAG OF has beep named as a place of residence, but that smells so strong of dried codfish and seal-oil, that I should die in a week ; and, besides, I hear it whispered some of the people eat their eggs out of wine-glasses, which I never could stand I am sure — the very sight of such a nasty trick would throw me into fits as it did Captain Hamilton, who, I hear, has never recovered the shock his nerves received in America. Prince Edward's Island has also been suggested; but there, they say, the more land you have, the poorer you are ; and that though the rent is only two shillings a hundred acres, the tenants threaten to turn Patriots and Durhamites if it is exacted. One proprietor who came all the way from England to collect his rents, only got seven shillings and six pence, and a sound thrashing for his trouble. It seems to me all the world is hunting after reform, which dear Simson says is a locomotive government, that will go of itself, and cost nothing, and every body is their own master, and can do as they please, and that majority law is the law of the strong over the weak; but it is above my comprehension altogether; all I know is, I will be mistress in my own house, and the dear fellow makes no objection. Astoria is a fine country, but it takes nine months' travel to get there, and that is a serious objection, as there is but few things in life w- orth that ; and you can carry nothing so far, and get nothing when you arrive there but the fever and ague, and that I would rather be excused from. Cape Breton is also well spoken of, only you are likely to be froze up in your passage there, at a place called Gut of Canso, and nothing goes up or down until Spring thaws it out. The whole country is covered with snow for several months, up to your hips, so that when the melancholy season comes, they say, they are " hipt ;" and the people are so savage they make " slaying" parties on the ice, and call this barbarous cruel work, quite a diversion. They say th be to I an "Wl fu THE GREAT WESTERIT. 177 the reason it is so cold is that it is so far east, it is a little beyond where the sun rises: an American gentleman told me so, who once went there to see it : for my part I am not so fond of ice-creams as to desire to live on an iceberg, like a seal, all winter, and should prefer a warmer country. Bermuda seems, after all, a delight- ful place, where people have almost perpetual summer, only the roofs blow off like straw-hats, and makes house-keeping very difficult ; and trees fly about in hur- ricanes like leaves, which must scatter families dread- fully, and must make separations that are so sudden quite painful. The governor's name is Reid ; and he has seen so many storms there, he has written a book about them. Dear Simson, who is very witty, says he is " the Reid shaken with the wind." I wish you knew dear Simson, he is full of fun. He says that the new theory of storms is, that instead of an " avancer," it takes a " pirouette," and that the whole story of it is this: Here we go up up up. And there we down down downy; Here we go backward and forward, * And there we go round round roundy. The West Indies is the same, only rather too hot for clothes, and as flatulent as Bermuda ; besides which, white servants cant live there, and black ones wont work, so that you must now be slaves to yourselves, for which being your own masters is no compensation. Dear Simson says, emancipation means making black white, and white black. Then they suffer from crawl- ing things dreadfully, having to stop their ears at night with cotton wool to keep them out, as they are always on the look-out for the least opening to hide in and breed. Isn't it shocking? So that at present we haven't made up our minds where to settle, as every place has its objections to counterbalance its advan- tages. It is the same with this steamer, nothing can exceed 178 THE LETTER-BAO OF its splendour, its luxury, and its comfort, but you are always in a fright about blowing up, and expect to be sent out of bed some time or another, without time to put your clothes on, into another world. The com- pany too is very genteel, having some real nobility on board, and some imitation ones, called Honourables, from the Colonies ; though the great lords are not tall men at all, and the little ones from the Provinces look and talk the biggest of the two. All this is very pleasant, and there are so many foreigners on board, it is as amusing and instructive as travelling into strange countries, only you cant understand a word they say, for they speak as many different languages as they did in the tower of Babel. Dear Simson is very kind and attentive to me, espe- cially before company, which is very agreeable and looks well ; only I wish he could bear the crying of children a liUle — very little better; but at night he sometimes gets out of patience, and swears he don't know what they were made for, but to break one's sleep, and destroy one's comfort. Take it altogether, it is certainly very agreeable here, and a sort of I-pity- me of the world, and amusing and instructive ; and, I must say, I enjoy myself very much, and would be quite happy, if it wasn't for fear dear Bob would tum- ble into those horrid boilers, which would make soup and Bouillie of him, as dear Simson says, before you could count ten. The very idea is shocking, I never could taste soup since. So are our plans for emigra- ting, very temping ; and the idea of being extensive land-owners, and having an estate as large as the Duke of Sutherland's, all your own, with herds of cattle, and sheep, and horses, and buffaloes, and all sorts of things, and vineyard, and wine of your own making, and wild deer that cost nothing to keep, and only the trouble of catching them, and beautiful prai- ries, (that's the -name they give to meadows,) so large that it takes you a week to ride across them ; all this is THE GREAT WESTERIT. 179 delightful, and makes me think myself a most fortunate woman indeed, if I only knew when it was to come true, or in what part of the globe, for in none of the places I have mentioned, would I settle upon any considera- tion in the world. Dear Simson may, if he pleases, but I wont go ballooning in a hurry-cane, or be scalped by Indians, or be bowie-knifed by lynchers, or frighted out of my wits by maniacs, or frozen into a pillar of ice, like Lot's wife was into salt, or be stifled by cod- fish smells, for all the estates that ever was, or ever will be. Simson is a dear, good fellow, and I am the most fortunate of my sex, and as happy as the day is long, and will follow him with pleasure all the world over ; only, I wish he thought as I did, that England, after all, is preferable to any of these outlandish places, if people would only think so ; and them that are discon- tented had better leave it, if they don't like it, and not try to make it like any thing else ; for the reason I pre- fer and love dear old Enx^Iand is, because there is no such place in the world, for if there were many such places, then it wouldn't be England any longer. One thing, however, I wish to assure you, and that is, I am quite happy in the possession of dear Simson, who is an angel of a man, only a little home-sick and heart- sick, when I think of those I left behind, never, per- haps, to see again in this world. Ever your faithfully and tenderly attached, Emma Simson. P. S. If my next child should be born in the States, will it be a Yankee, and speak that foreign language, or will it be English ? I don't like to ask dear Simson, for he is the most feeling man in the world, and would go crazy at the very mention of another child. Poor dear fellow, I love him so, I wouldn't do any thing to li'i 180 THE LETTBR-BAO OF worry him for the universe ; but some things you can't help, and this, in the midst of all my happiness, makes me miserable. No. xxvm. LETTER FROM THE AUTHOR. 4: Gkivtle Reader — I cannot bring myself to pay so poor a compli- meiii to yOjUr taste, or my own performance, as to (3n- tertam a doubt that you had no sooner taken up this b ook, than you became so interested in it, as not tc» lay it down until you had read it throush ; nor am I less assured that vou felt great regret that there was not more of it. tJnderstanding, tolerably well, the work- ing of your mind, from a long study of the operations of my own, I venture to anticipate a very natural ijues- tion you will ask, as soon as you have perused it, namely, " whether the author had any other object in view, in writing it, than merely the amusriment of a leisure hour, and hasten to griJfy your curiosity, by assuring you that I was r: ost undoubtedly actuated by another, and, as you will presently see, a better motive. Had you had an oi j ortunHy of lifting the anony- mous veil under whicl my diffider^ e finds a sheltrr, and circumstances had prmittficl m3 to have the hon- our and pleasure of your acquaintance, during my recent visit to Europe, yoi' would haw found that, al- though I am one of the merriest fellows of my age, to be found in any country, yet I am a great approver of the old maxim, of being " merry and wise," being, after my own fashion, a sort of laughing philosopher, TBB GREAT WBSTERIT. 181 }, as to (3n- and that I most indulge in that species of humour that has a moral in it. " Life in a Steamer," is fraught with it, as I shall proceed to show you ; but before I point it out, I must tell you a story, (more meo) for I find I grow somewhat rigmarolly as I advance in years, and am more and more addicted to the narrative. While making the tour of Scotland, I spent a few days at Kelso, for the purpose of exploring the ruins of an ancient abbey, wherein are deposited the remains of the old chieftains — the Slicks of Slickvillehaugh, whose name I have the honour to bear. I don't mention this little circum- stance out of personal vanity, for I am too olc* for that ; and, besides, between you and me, I see nothing in an ancient Scottish descent from any rational man, to be proud of. I never read of a Scot of the olden time, notwithstanding all that Sir Walter has collected, or written on the subject, without the idea suggesting itself to my mind of a huge raw-boned, hard-featured un- breeched savage, very poor, very proud, and very hairy. Inde i, there are good authorities at variance with him on this subject. A vest Prince Vortiger had on, ^ Which .rum a naked Scot his grandsire won. Now, the obrioi .3 meaning of this passage is, that one of the priLC(/s predecessors ran down one of these boors in the chase, skinned him, and made a garment of his hide, wl '^h he wore as a trophy of his skill and valour, in the same manner that a North American Indian decoratei his person with the skin of the bear. This, however, is merely a matter of opinion, as well as a digression, and I only mention the circumstance at all, to gratify my American readers, who, though staunch republicans, aro great admirers of old names, and are all in a nearer or niore remote degree, allied to the first families in the peerage of Grer.t Britain. While thus employed In enacting the part of Old Mortality, on the binks c[ the Tweed, I observed one morning a more than usually large assemblage of the yeomanry of the 16 182 THE LETTER-BAO OF country, and upon enquiry, found it was the day of the ffreat corn market. Ah ! says I to myself, now I shall have an opportunity of judging of the fertility of this beautiful agricultural district, by seeing its accumulated products; but you may easily imagine my surprise when, after having several times perambulated the market, I could not find a single, solitary sack of grain. I speered at the first good-natured, idle-looking fellow I saw, (I like that word, speered, it is so appropriate an expres- sion among the cattle-stealers of a border country, where a stranger was always saluted with a spear, and relieved of the care of His goods and chattels,) I speered at him the question, where have the farmers put their corn ? After a long pause, and a broad stare of astonishment at the gross ignorance implied in the query, the fellow replied, where ! why, in their pouch, sure. Pouc^ ! the word was new to my American ear, as new as an "almighty, everlastin frizzle of a fiz" would have been to his. Pouch ! said I — what the devil is that ? Here, said he, and putting his hand into his pocket, he produced a very small parcel of beautiful wheat, and added, we sell by sample, sir The grower goes to his granary, and thrusting his hand promiscu- ously into the heap of corn, takes up as much as it can contain, which is called a * sample ;' and this is sup- posed so well to represent the average quality of the entire mass, that the sale of the whole lot is effected upon the inspection of this sample. Ah ! said I, my friend, and stretching out the fingers of my right hand, until they represented the radii of a circle, I applied the thumb to the extremity of my nose, in a horizontal position, (an odd, old-fashioned custom I acquired when a boy, at Slickville, whenever I had caught a valuable hint,) ah! said I, my friend — notch! Did you ever see the like o' that, said the puzzled Scot, to himself, and wha is he ? A wrinkle on the horn, said I, again applying the thumb to its old signal staff, the nose, and I thank you for the hint. A wrin- \ 1* / THE ORBAT ^BSTBRIT. 183 kle on the horn, sloAvly repeated my astonished com- panion ; puir body, he is daft, as sure as the world. No, my man, said I, not daft, but wiser. In America, for you must know I come from that far-off country, we ascertain the ages of our cattle by examining their horns, at the root of which, at the end of three years, there appears a small ring or wrinkle, and each suc- ceeding year is marked by another. This has given rise to a saying when a man acquires a new idea, that he has got " another wrinkle on his horn" — do you take? Puir thing, said he, with a look of great pity, he has gone clean daft — and he so far from home too ; has he nae friend to see till him ? — and he turned away and left me. But, gentle reader, it was he, and not I, that was daft. He w^as a clown, and even a Scottish clown, as far as I could observe, is no way superior to a clown of any other country, — and he did not understand me. It was a wrinkle on my horn, and I have since availed myself of it. I judge of mankind by sample. One hundred and ten passengers, taken indiscriminately from the mass of their fellow beings, are a fair " ave- rage sample" of their species : the vessel that carries them is a little world, and life in a Steamer is a good sample of life in " the great world." This little com- munity is agitated by the same passions, impelled by the same feelings, and actuated by the same prejudices as a larger one. Poor human nature is the same every where. Here are the same complaints, the same rest- lessness, and the same air of perverse dissatisfaction in their letters, as we meet with on land. The analogy that these Atlantic trips display to the great voyage of life, is very striking. We are no sooner embarked, such is the speed with which we advance, than we ar- rive at our point of destination. Our course is soon run. It is the power of steam in both, and although ' i 184 THB LBTTER-BAO OF the scene is varied, by calms, fair breezes, and storms, still the great machine is in continual progress. Of those with whom we set out in the voyage of life, how few do we encounter in our subsequent wan- derings ! The intimacy that common hopes and com- mon dangers generate, gradually subsides, and if we meet, we meet, alas ! coldly, formally, and as stran- gers. Life in a Steamer is actually teeming with a moral. Are you a politician? you may confirm or rectify your notions by observing how essential a good, effective, vigorous, business-like administration is to the safety of the ship and the comfort of the passen- gers. Are you a Christian I you will not fail to ob- serve that in consequence of its being requested by the Directors that every passenger should attend pub- lic worship, every one does so ; from v*Iuch you may perceive th^ advantages resulting from a union of church and state, — and when the whole community thus meets together to unite in their supplications, you cannot but see what a blessed thing it is for brethren to dwell together in unity — how immeasurably supe- rior this union is to dissent — and must admit that they who laid the foundation of your established National Church, were both wise and good men. Are you a moralist? then — but I will not pursue it. The analo- gies and inferences are too obvious to render it neces- sary for me to trace them ; but nevertheless, it is a useful and an edifying task, and I recommend you to reflect for yourself. From these remarks you will ob- serve that " Life in a Steamer" is " a leaf of" the great Book of the World, and may well be applied — " to point a moral and adorn a tale." So much for the general reader ; and now a few words at parting, to my good friends, the Nova Sco- tians. I am desirous of availing myself of this op- portunity to call the attention of my countrymen, the *' Blue-noses," to the importance of steam, of which they unfortunately know but little from their own ex- *^HB GREAT WESTERN. 185 perience ; of entreating them to direct their energies rather to internal improvement than political change; to the development of the resources of their beautiful, fertile, and happy colony, rather than to speculative theories of government ; and also to urge upon them, that the " responsibility" we require, is the responsi' bility of steam. Since the discovery of America by Columbus, no- thing has occurred of so much importance to the New World, as navigating the Atlantic by steamers ; and no point of the continent is likely to be benefited by it in an equal degree with Nova Scotia, which is the near- est point of land to Europe, and must always possess the earliest intelligence from the Old World. Which- ever party is in power in England, Tories or Whigs, the Government is always distinguished by the same earnest desire to patronize, as it is to protect the colo- nies, who have experienced nothing at the hands of the English, but unexampled kindness, untiring forbear-, ance, and unbounded liberality. The recent grant of fifty-five thousand pounds a year, for the purpose of aflTording us the advantage of a communication by steam with the mother country, which was not made grudgingly, or boastingly, or as an experiment, but as early as it was proper or safe for it to be done, and as freely as it was kindly bestowed, leaves us in doubt whether most to admire the munificence of the gift, or the power and wealth of the donors. No country, that is kept in a continual state of agitation, can either be a happy or a flourishing one ; and it is our peculiai good fortune that with us agitation is unnecessary. If there should be any little changes required from time to time, in our limited political sphere, (and such occa- sions sometimes do, and always will occur in the pro- gress of our growth,) a temperate and proper represent- ation will always produce them, from the predominant party of the day, whatever it may be, if it can only be demonstrated that they are wise or necessary changes. 16* ^, - ^ Av^ IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) /> ^ .^. ^4i 1.0 I.I 12.8 1^ u^ 1^ ■ 2.2 :^ 1^ 12.0 u i IS. mv' '-^ ^ 6" ► /. '/ ^. m Photographic Sciences Corporation 33 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. MSSO (716) 873-4503 \ qv :\ y \ 6^ ^^f4 '^ % .<^ ^ 7.A Cv k ^ 186 THE LBTTER-BAO OF It is the inclination as well as the interest of Great Britain so to do ; and whoever holds out any doubts on this subject, or proclaims the mild, conciliatory, and parental sway of the imperial government, " a baneful domination," is no friend to Nova Scotia, or British connexion, and should be considered as either an igno- rant or a designing man. Canada has become so bur- thensome an appendage of the British empire, from the intrigues of discontented men, that many of our friends on the other side of the water, doubt whether it is worth holding at such an enormous expense. Op- pressed we never have been — coerced we never will be. Every thing has been done, that is either just or reasonable, or liberal, for us. We always have been, and still continue to be, the most favoured people in the British empire. Let us show ourselves worthy of such treatment, by exhibiting our gratitude, and sus- tain the reputation we have hitherto borne, of being the most tranquil and loyal Colony in North America. Let us not be too importunate for change, or we may receive the very proper, but to many, the very unex- pected answer — " Govern yourselves : you appear to he so difficult to please, so determined not to be satis- fied, that we give up the attempt in despair. You are independent" This is no improbable event — no ideal danger — no idle fear. I regret to say, that such a course has already numerous and powerful advo- cates in Ensland, and is daily gaining ground even among our best friends, and staunchest supporters. They are wearied out with unfounded complaints, with restless, unceasing cravings for change, and their own repeated, but ineAectual attempts to give satisfaction. They say, they see no alternative left but coercion, which tney will not resort to, or "cutting the tow- rope," and casting us adrift. No true friend to his country can contemplate such an event as a dissolu- tion of British connexion, without the severest regret, the deepest remorse, the most painful apprehensions. THB' GREAT WESTERIT. 187 of Great ly doubts itory, and a baneful »r British an igno- le so bur- , from the jr friends ther it is ise. Op- lever will er just or ave been, pie in the orthy of and sus- of being America. r we may 5rv unex- ppear to be satis- lir. You vent — no hat such ul advo- md even )porters. nts, with leir own isfaction. oercion, the tow- d to his dissolu- t regret, nsions. The withdrawal of the army and navy from Halifax; the striking of the flag of Old England on the Citadel Hill ; and the last parting salute of our old friends, as they left our shores for ever, would be the most mourn- ful spectacle, and the severest infliction, that an aveng' ing Providence has in store for us. It would be a day of general gloom, and universal lamentation. All men of property and reputation — all persons of true British feeling — every man in a situation to do so, would leave us ; and capital, credit and character would follow in the train. We should be inundated with needy adven- turers, unprincipled speculators, loafers, sympathisers, and Lynchers, the refuse of America and Europe ; and this once happy, too happy country would become an easy prey to civil dissension, like the petty states of South America, or to the rapacity of foreign adven- turers like the Texans. That such a measure of retributive justice is in store for us (should the infectious agitation of Canada unhap- pily reach us), no man who has visited Great Britain and mingled freely and extensively with its people as I have done, can entertain a doubt. Wherever I went and with whomsoever I conversed, the opinion constantly met me : " It would be better for us if we were separated —you never will be contented to remain as colonists, you are causing us a greater expenditure than we can afford — we cannot support two Irelands — it is time to give you your independence.** — This book, whatever its reception may be, will at least circulate among all my personal friends in England, which is the best evi- dence I can give you of my conviction of the existence of this feeling ; for by proclaiming it in the presence of those by whom 1 assert that it is entertained, I af- ford them an opportunity of repudiating it, if unfound- ed. Let us not therefore be led astray by any of those theories, however plausible and captivating they may appear to be, that are now advocated with such in- temperate heat in Canada. Nova Scotia never was ia ■^. 188 TBI LBTTKR-BAO OP 80 flourishing a condition as it is at present . Its trade is enlarging, its agriculture imiNroving, and its popula* tion increasing most rapidly, -whije tSd character of Us mei^chants for honourable and upright dealing stands higher than that of any other community on the whole American continent. — Politics unfortunately engrosses too much attention every where to the exclusion of many indispensable duties* Party-vmen are apt to mag- nify its importance for their own purposes^ and to ex- tol it as a panacea for all the ills ot life ; but experi- ence teaches us that the happiness of every country depends upon the character of its people, rather than the form of its government. — Why i asks the philoso- phical Goldsmith, after an attentive examination of many of the European states, ** Why hare I strayM from pleMure and repose, To seek a good each goyernment bestows ! How small of all that hnman hearts endare,> That part which laws and kings can cause or care !" .Let us keep out of the vortex of political excitement, learn how to value the blessings we enjoy, and study how we can best promote the internal communications and develope the resources of our native land. The time has now come when the great American and colonial route of travelling must commence or terminate at Halifax. On the importance of this to Nova Scotia it is unnecessary for me to expatiate, as it speaks for itself, in a language too plain and in- telligible to be misunderstood; but these advantages we can neither fully enjoy, nor long retain, without a "rail-road^* from Halifax to Windsor. It is now no longer a matter of doubt or of choice, circumstances have forced it upon us. We owe it to the liberality of the British government, to make all those arrange- ments that shall give full effect to the noble scale upon which they have undertaken the^ilkhtic steam-naviga- tion. We owe it to New Brunswick and Canada to complete our portion of the great intercolonial line, Its trade t« populf cter of iiM ng stands the whole eDi ;Iasion of pt to mag- nd to ex- tut experi- y country ither than le philosO' ination of care !" xcitement) ^nd study unications American kmence or of this to expatiate, n and in- (i vantages without a now no imstances liberality arrange- cale upon [n-naviga- anada to )nial line, s THB ORBAT WISTBRIT. im and above all we owe it to ourselves not to be behind every other country in appreciating and adopting those great improvements, which distinguish the present aee. And now, gentle reader, it is time for me to make my bow as well as my sea-legs will allow me, and re- tire. Ip doing so, permit me to express a wish that your voyage of life may be the very opposite of that of a steamer, in point of duration, and resemble it as nearly as possible in the one grand essential, namely in making the best use of your time. I have the honour to be. Your most obedient servant, Thb AuTHoa. THB END.