h-'i^^^/C^C^ ^ y^ / L-^i-^^^tt^ (_^ , Kc&T' :fh v. -'X X 7'N5^> -^::1, > •>% ■*!■ GOOD MORNING. / Social Etiquette OR Manners and Customs of Polite Society CONTAINING RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS, INCLUDING CALLS; INVITATIONS; PARTIES; WEDDINGS, RECEPTIONS; DINNERS AND TEAS; ETIQUETTE OF THE STREET; PUBLIC PLACES, ETC., ETC. FORMING A COMPLETE GUIDE TO SELF-CULTURE THE ART OF DRESSING WELL; CONVERSATION; COURTSHIP; ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN; LETTER-WRITING; ARTISTIC HOME AND INTERIOR DECORATIONS, ETC. BY MAUD C. COOKE The Well-Known and Popular ArrTHOR. EMBELLISHED WITH SUPERB PHOTOTYPE ENQRAVINOS McDERMID & LOGAN, LONDON, ONTARIO. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year ^896, by J. R. JONES, In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, ;it Washington, D. C. AU Rights Reserved, PREFACE. IITvRE is much truth and force in the old saying, that "Manners make the man." All persons should know how to appear to the best advan- tage in polite society. This very attractive volume furnishes rules of etiquette for all occa- sions, and is a complete guide for daily use in all matters pertaining to social intercourse. The first department treats of Introductions and Salutations. The rules given under this head are those constantly observed in the best society The same is equally true of all the instructions throughout the book, which is the most complete work on this subject ever issued. The next department treats of the very important Art of Conversa- tion. It has been said, with trutli, that " a good talker is always a social success." The reader is here taught how to converse agreeably and with ease. To be a bright, witty, interesting talker, is a most charming accomplishment. This volume is a help in this respect, the value of which cannot be overestimated. Visiting Cards and Customs are next treated, and all the perplexing questions which they occasion are fully answered. With this very comprehensiv^e volume at hand, no person will be guilty of blunders and humiliating mistakes. Invitations, Formal and Informal, Acceptances and Regrets, form another topic. The work furnishes full information and is authority upon all matters of social etiquette. All young persons, and some older ones, are deeply interested in the Etiquette of Courtship and Marriage, Weddings and Wedding Anniversaries. These subjects are treated in a manner at once practical and instructive. The usages of the best society in giving Parties, Dinners, Teas, Receptions, Breakfasts, Luncheons, etc., are minutely described. Also, Home Etiquette and Etiquette for Children. With this volume in the home, parents can easily teach the young polite and winning manners. Miscellaneous Entertainments form a department that is bright and • • • iv PREFACE. sparkling. Tin; dark side of life is not f Walking, Riding, lioating. Driving, etc. l^tiquette for Bicycle Riders receives full attention. Here arc Hints for Travelers, for Hostess and Guest, General P^tiquette and Delsarte Discipline, Musicales, Soirees, l^wn Parties, etc. Washington P^tiquette is described and all the proper titles for professional and public men are given. The Art of Dress receives exhaustive treatment, and the rules to be observed by those who would dress tastefully are very complete. They who are well dressed have already made a favorable impression upon others. Suggestions and rules upon this subject are important to all who would shine in social life. Letter-Writing makes constant demands upon nearly al! persons, yet its difficulties are perplexing. Here are plain directions upon this subject, which should be .studied and followed by all who would suc- ceed in the great art of elegant correspondence. It is essential often to have the best P'orms for Letters, happily expressed, choice in the use of words and easy and correct in grammatical construction. Artistic Home Decorations are fully treated, showing how to have a pretty, tasteful and inviting home at least expense. This subject is receiving great attention everywhere, and this delightful volume should be in every household in the land, as it furnishes just the information needed. Fireplaces and Windows, Stairways, Woodwork, Doors, Lighting, Decorating, Furniture and Paintings, are among the topics treated in this part of the volume. In short, this work is a treasury of rules and information on every subject of Social Etiquette, Self-Culture and Plome Life. An entirely new and very important feature is the beautiful Photo- type P^ngravings in rich colors. The publishers consider themselves fortunate in being able to present these new and admirable embellish- ments, which have been pronounced gems of art. CONTENTS. PAGB Title-Page i Preface iii Contents v The Essence of Etiquette 17 Introductions and Salutations 23 Art of Conversation 37 Visiting Cards 51 Visiting Customs 69 Invitations, Formal and Informal 83 \cCEPTANCES and REfiRETS 107 Etiquette of Courtship and Marriage 116 Weddings and Wedding Anniversaries 143 Home Etiquette 165 Etiquette for Children ... 180 Dinner Giving 180 Table Etiquette 211 Evening Parties, Receptions and Suppers 227 Balls, Dancing and Masquerades 241 Soirees, Musicales and Lawn Parties 261 Preakfasts, Luncheons and Teas ........... 274 vi CONTENTS. PAGIl Miscellaneous F^ntertainments , . . 206 cliklstenings, con'firnlvtions and graduations 315 IvriQUETTE OF FUNERALS AND MoURNING 323 EriQUErTE OF PuiJLic Places , . 328 Walking, Ridinc;, I^oaiing, Driving 334 BicvcLE Htiquette 343 Club Etiquette , 302 SociETv 358 General Ivitouette 364 WAsniNTiroN Etiquette 374 Delsar'ikan Discipline 378 Art of Dri:ss .388 CoT^oRS AND Complexions 308 Dress for Spixial Occasions 408 Letter Wriitng 420 Forms fof-: Letters 452 Artistic Mome Decorations 467 I low to be Beautiful 492 "v 'J O o H O The Essence of Etiouette. UK old chronicler says, " Manners maketh man." " Manners are not tlie character, but they are the dress of character," adds a modern writer. Manners are not the pure gold of the mind, but they set the \^ mint stamp upon the crude ore antl fit it for circulation, and few there be who may dare to set aside their valuation. To genius only is this privilege granted, and genius is exceeding rare. It should be remembered that mc-re people can give the list of Dr. Samuel Johnson's sins against good manners than can quote from his " Rassalas " and " Rambler," while there will al\va)-s be more who can descant upon the selfish, tyrannical ill-breeding of Thomas Carlyle than can estimate the value and immensit)' of his literar}' labors. The essence of all etiquette will be found in that Golden Rule from Holy Writ that enjoins upon us to "do unto others as we would that they should do unto us," and whereon Lord Chesterfield based his maxim for the cultivation of manners : "Observe carefully what pleases or displeases you in others, and be persuaded that, in general, the same things will please or displease them in you." The social code, even in its smallest particulars, is the outgrowth of a kindh' regard for the feelings of others, even in the little things of life, and a kindl}- sympathy for all that interests your compatiions a I? iS THE ESSENCE OF ETIQUETTE. " Be hospitable toward the ideas of others," s:i\s Dr. George Ripley, " Some people," he asserts, " onh' half listen to \'ou, because they are considering, even while you speak, with what wealth of wit they will reply." Such people ma)- be brilliant, but they can never be agree- able. You feel that they are impatient to have their own turn come, and have none of the gentle receptiveness so pleasing to our own ego that rebels against their egotism. It is the kind and sympathetic soul that wins friends, and ' ' He who has a thousand friends Has not a friend to spare, But he who has an enemy Will find him everywhere." Our first impressions of a man are impressions of his manners. We designate him from the first glimpse of his face, first sound of his roice, as an affable, agreeable and sincere individual ; or as cnibbed, cross-grained and suspicious in his temperament, and are attracted b\', or repelled from him, according to the characteristics with which his manners have clothed him. The Influence of Good Manners. So potent is this power exercised over the world by the gentle sway of manners that their possession is worthy the cultivation and care we put forth for the attainment of all gracious, pleasant things, ami to their possessor is given the key to which all doors opjn. Emerson was one of the most acute observers of manners that culture has ever produced, and he wrote : " The longer I live the more I am impressed with the importance of manners. When we reflect upon their persuasive and cheering force, how they recommend, ^:>repare and draw people together ; when \\e think what keys they are, a;.d to what secrets ; what high and inspiring character they convey, and what divination is required of us for the reading of this fine tele- graphy, we see what range the subject has." Manners, with some, are the gracious legacy of inheritance, educa- tion and environment ; with others they are the growth of the careful THE ESSENCE OF ElIQUETrE. lb cultivation *jf years, and carry with them the calm self-poise of the man who has conquered circumstances and established his own position. In such as these there inheres a certain power that impresses itself upon all who come in contact with its influence. The self-possession and certainty stamped upon the face of a man who inherited, or won for himself, the sure and perfect armor of good- breeding, is but the outer stamp of the man himself. Manners are profitable as well as pleasant. They carry with them a measureless weight of influence. A gentleman once brought into his library a costly subscription book. " My dear," said his wife, " }ou already had a copy of that work." " I knew I did," he replied, " but the manners of the lad who sold it were so elegant that it was a pleasure to jjurchase it." The charm of good manners is not a qualification belonging to an)- particular station in life, for, to the poor and unlettered oftimes may be traced deeds and actions that mark them as nature's noblemen. Education, wealth and social station do nut al\\a\'s confer them, but the outer grace may be acquired b\' all. In this wa\- it has come to be known that a refinement of laws in any countr\' indicates that a gradual refinement of manners has led up towards, and finall\' crystallized into a refinement of the hearts and the laws of the people. The Marks of True Politeness. True politeness is always know n by its lack of assumption. Presi- dent Tyler, in advising his daughter-in-law previous to her taking her position as lady of the White House, used these noteworthy words : " It is, I trust, scarcely necessary to say that, as upon }-ou will devolve dre duty of presiding at the White House, you should be equal and untiring in your affabilities to all. You should remember that nothing shows a little soul so much as the exhibition of aii's or assumptions under any circumstances." The minor observances have much to do with the polishing and perfecting of the manners of men. These little things that mark on-^ 20 THE ESSENCE OF ETIQUETTE. as being "to the manor born" are not the growth of moments but the slow accretions of years ; neither can their use be dropped in the privacy of home to be assumed at pleasure for the outside world to admire, else they will fit but illy, as borrowed plumes arc wont to do. The best-intcntioned and best-hearted people that the world has ever known are too often careless in the slight observances that mean so much to the cultivated. Thoreau says, " I could better eat with one who did not respect the truth or the laws than with a sloven and unpresentable person. Moral qualities rule the world, but at short range the senses are despotic." "The code of society is just a little stronger with some individuals than the code of Sinai, and many a man who would not scruple to put his fingers in your pocket, would forego peas rather than use his knife as a shovel." The Great Value of Courtesy. " Be courteous," is an apostolic command that too many earthly followers of the Twelve woidd do well to consider. They are just, they are truthful, sometimes agressively so ; they are conscientious, they wear}' not in well-doing, but — they are not courteous. They are not good mannered, and b\' so much as they sin in this regard do they lose their power to win. '* Gootl manners," says one, " are more serviceable than a passport, than a bank account, than a lineage. They make friends for us ; they are more potent than eloquence or genius without them." They adtl to beauty, they detract from personal ugliness, they cast a glamour over defects, in short, they work the miracle of mind over mattef exemplified in the case of the extremely plain Madame de Stael, \\"ho was repated to "talk herself beautiful in five minutes," They teach us the beauty of self-sacrifice, they constrain us to listen, with an appearance of interest to a cv/ice-told tale, they teach the wife to smile over the somewhat worn jest of the husband, as she smiled in like fashion in the days of auld lang syne, or, harder still, they enjoin upon us f:o follow the Due de Morny's definition of a poUte man, as THE ESSENCE OF ETIQUETTE. 21 ' ohl- who listens with interest to things lie knows all about, when they are told by a person who knows nothing about them." They impress upon us to guard the feelings of others, they wain us to avoid the familiarity that breeds contempt, and, above all, they are contagious ! There is much to be said as to the true definition of those beautiful but abused terms, lady and gentleman, each with its strong, sweet meaning. "A lady is one who, to inbred modesty and refinement, adds a scru[)ulous attention to the rights and feelings of others, and applic the Golden Rule of doing as she would be done by, to all who aio connected with her, both at home and in society." While a gentleman has been described as : " Whoever is true, loyal and candid ; whoever possesses a p -casing, aftablc, demeanor ; who* ever is honorable in himself and in his judgment of others and requirct no law but his word to make him fulfil all engagements." Such men and such women are *' ladies " and " gentlemen" whether they are found in the peasant's hut or the prince's palace. Rules of Etiquette. The following rules, published some time ago as a receipt for that beauty of expression so much more lasting and attractive than mere beauty of feature, were written orignally for the guidance of woman, but they are equally applicable to the needs of man. " I, Learn to govern yourself and to be gentle and patient. " 2. Guard your temper, especially in seasons of ill-health, irrita- tion, and trouble, and soften it by a sense of your own shortcomings axid errors. " 3. Never speak or act in anger. " 4. Remember that, valuable as is the gift of speech, silence is often more valuable. "5. Do not expect too much from others, but forbear and forgive, as you desire forbearance and forgiveness yourself. " 6. Never retort a sharp or angry word. It is the second word that makes the quarrel. O'? THE ESSENCE OK E TlOl EITE. "7. BL-narc of the first disagreement. " b!. Learn to speak i." a gentle tone of voiee. ** 9. Learn to say kind and pleasant things when opportunity offers. " 10. Study the charaetcrs of those with whom you eonie in eon- taet, ;uul sympathize with them in all their troubles, however small. "II. Do not negleet littL- things if they can affect the comfort of others in the smallest degree, " 12. A\"oiil moods, and pets, and fits of sulkiness. ** 13, T>earn to deny yourself and prefer others. " 14. Ix'ware of meddlers antl tale-bearers. '* 15. Never charge a bad motive, if a good one is cc^nceivable." Courtesy, charily and love are one, and, when all good deeds are done the warning comes; "If \e have not charity " all is naught. Therefore : "A sweet, attractive kind of grace, A full assurance given by looks, Continual comfort in a fare, The lineaments of gospel-books. " Do yc all things courteously, founding precept and practice upon that okl rule, the Golden Rule, which is the Alpha and the Omega of all good manners and the very Essence of all Etiquette. ' 'ANO<-v/ X DISCRIMINATE introduc- tions arc ahva)-.s in bad taste, 'j1 yet, since the sweetest of our 1 fricndsliips are wont to reach us throut:^]i the medium of a formal presentation, it is well that wc understand how, when and where these introductions should properly take place. As a rule, introductions, to be agreeable, should be desired before being given ; and since wc are, or should be, in a measure, the endorsers of those whom wc present to our friends, a due degree of care shoukl be exercised in so doing, lest inadvertently we force upon another what may prove an undesirable acquaintance. Introductions are driven in cases of nccessit\', such as business trans- actions, or emergencies that may arise in traveling, as when we wish to consig-n some friend to the care (^f another, Thev are given at balls, that partners may be found for all the dancers. Here, however, care must be taken beforehand to ascertain if the parties will dance,' for such is the selfishness and, shall it be said, ill-breeding of our society young men that not unfrequently they will walk away without even offering the lady the courtesy of the next dance. In this way her hostess unwittingly exposes her to a marked slight, since the ball- room introduction is supposed to mean an intention on the part of the gentleman to show some attention to the lady, with whom he should either dance, promenade, or talk through one set. 23 24 INTROni- .IONS AND SAMTATIONS. Neither arc youn<::j ladies quite guiltless in this respect, since it often happens that they refuse partners (yom simple caprice, and no gentleman likes to i>e refused, even for a (luatlrille. It may be added that these introductions necessitate no after acknowledgments on eitlier side unless mutualh" agreeable. Introductions are given at card parties when necessary to fill out tiibles for a game, anil they occur also where one person especially wishes another to become acc^uainted with .i friend. An English Custom. Strangers arc alwaN's introduced to \ isitors, ami at dinners, if pre- vioush- unacquainted, the gentleman is introduced, a few minutes beforehand, to the l.id\' he is to take out to the table. In h'ngland, however, where the)- exercise great care in giving introductions, even this formality is not always complied Avitli. Richard Gr.mt White speaks of l)eing informed at the last moment, in some house whose owner boasted many titles, that he was to take down "the lady in pink over there in the ]>ay window," to whom, therefore, he duly went, and, bending an inviting elbow, said in his most persuasive tones: "May I have the pleasure?" The proffered honor was accepted, and he and the lady, each equiil'y ignorant as to the other's identity, went out to spend a long two hours in entertaining one another. The one redeeming feature of this hjiglish custom is that cverj-one, at private entertainments, talks to everyone else without an introduc- tion, considering that the fact of their being guests under the same roof is a species of endorsement for all, and, better still, this sociability carries with it no after obligations, because, since they are not intro- duced, they are not acquainted. In this country, owing probably to the unfortunate frequency of introductions among us, a certain chill pervades the atmosphere when a portion of the guests are unacquainted with one another, for, as a rule, no one here attempts to converse with- out having been properly presented. In metropolitan circles, however, this is not so much the case, and INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS. 25 as our country throws older it is to be hoped that "a change will lomc o'er the spirit of our dream" in this respect, thus lessenini; the present responsibility of our hostesses, who, torn between two opposing fac- tions, feel that " If I introduce Mrs. So-and-so to Mrs. I^lank she will never forgive me, and if I do not introduce Mrs, IMank to Mrs. So- and-so I sh.dl have made a mortal enemy." At a party given in behalf of a debutante she is to be introduced to ever)' lady present, and every gentleman is to be presented to her. In case there should be a distinguished guest present at any entertain- ment, all other guests must be made acquainted with the favored one. You May Introduce Yourself. There are also times when it is eminently proper to introduce one's self, such as when you find upon entering a drawing room that the hostess has forgotten \-our name ; or if it should have been wrongly announced ; or if you arc an entire stranger to the hostess, it is not only prop:r, but imperative, to introduce yourself at once. Then, too, it occasionally happens that a gentleman, wishing to render some assistance to a lad\' who is traveling alone, prefers to introduce him- self beforehand. This, of course, leaves the lady perfectly free to recognize him or not at any future time. Occasions such as these are constantly arising, and tact and judgment must be used to decide the question for one's self. Watering-place introductions are frequently given for the conve- nience and pleasure of the time being. They are usually made by the eldest lady of either party and further recognition in the future is optional. Do not introduce people in public places. Do not, even if a friend should overtake you and walk by your side for some distance, or should meet and talk with you, introduce him to another friend with whom you are also walking. You may do it, however, in exceptional cases. Do not, as a rule, introduce two people who arc inhabitants of the same town ; it is to be supposed that they could have known one another had they cared so to do. Still, it is well to exercise INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS. jii(l<;mcnt in this one particular, since what could he done unques- tioned in a city parlor cannot always be accomplished without exciting comment and ill-fcelin<;^ in a country town. Do not introduce j^entlemen to ladies without first beinjr sure thit the acquaintance will be agreeable to the lady, since it is nnich more difficult for a lady to shake off i\n undesirable ac([uaintance than it is for a gentleman. In the case of foreigners it is always well to be careful before intrc^ducing them to young ladies at their own request, since it often happens that foreign titles, found upon this side the water, are extremely dubious. Hence one is clearly justified in refer- ring them to her parents or guardians for the rec^uired favor. A Custom Out of Date. Introductions at evening parties are, fortunately, very much out of date, except it is for partners in dancing, or unless there should be so many .strangers present as to threaten overwhelming the entire party in speechless gloom. Occasionally in the country some old-fashioned hosts persist in handing each newcomer around the room like refresh- ments for an introduction to each one present. This custom puts the later arrivals in the position, as some one says, "of making a semi- circular bow like a concert singer before an audience," and this, to non-professionals, is not a little embarrassing. Timid people, and people unaccustomed to the rules of social etiquette, always feel a certain dread 'i going through the slight formality of an introduction. Nothing, however, if one remembers a few timely hints, can be simpler than this little ceremony so necessary for each of us to perform many times in our intercourse with others. Recollect always to introduce the gentleman to the lady, never the lady to the gentleman, except in the case of very exalted rank, ex- treme age or the possession of great eminence in intellectual or artistic life ; otherwise, the rule is inflexible save in introducing a youthful "rosebud" formally to an elderly gentleman, in which case you would present her to him. The chivalry of etiquette assumes that a man is always honored by prescnt-tior] to a ladv. r IXrRODUCTIOxNS AND SALUTATIONS. 27 In introducing ladies, present the youn<::jer to the elder, unless in case of some ni. irked excej)tic)n such as tinxse given above. The simplest form in presenting one person to another is ahva)s the best. A wife presents her husband iiA " Mr. Xorth," *' Colonel North," or ** Doctor North," always giving him his rightful titles. The wife of the President slmuld introduce him as " The President," while wc should address him as " Mr. President." In introducing a gentleman to a lady one should say, " Mrs. A. allow (or pjrmit) mc to introduce (or present) Mr. R. ; Mr. B., Mrs. A.," being sure that the names are distinctly pronounced. If this should not be the case, let the parties themselves ask it at once, a simple "I beg pardon, I ditl not understand the name," saving much future annoyance. Forms of Introduction. In introducing two ladies the same formula may be used, as : " Mrs. Y. allow me to introduce Mrs. Z. ; AFrs. Z., Mrs. Y." Or one may say: "Mrs. Y., this is my friend Mrs. Z. ; :\Irs. Z., Mrs. Y." A still further variation is to .say: "Mrs. Y., I believe you have never met Mrs. Z. ; Mrs. Z., Mrs. Y." In introducing two gentlemen any of the above forms may be used. If the introduction is given simply for business purposes it should be short and concise, as : Mr. A., Mr. B.; Mr. B., Mr. A. •- In introducing a stranger it will always be well to make some little explanatory remark that may be used as a stepping-stone toward be- ginning a conversation, thus: "Miss S., allow me to present Mr. T., who is just back from Africa," or, " Miss PI, this is my friend Mr. P\, the composer of that little song you sang just now." Any remark like this always serves to make the opening of the conversation easier. An introduction received, or solicited, simply for your own conve- nience, as a business recommendation, or otherwise, entitles you to no after benefits, or social recognition. Where there are several waiting for an introduction to the same individual, name the latte. first, then in succession name the others. 28 INTRODUC TIONS AND SALUTATIONS. bowing slightly, as each name is pronounced, in the direction of the one named. Thus : " Colonel Parker, allow me to present to you Mrs. Roe, Miss Doe, and Doctor Brown," being sure always to give every one their full honorary title in making the introduction. In introducing relatives be very sure to give their full name. A sister, for instance, should be introduced as, " My sister, Miss Roe ;" or, "]\Iiss Mary Roe," or, "My sister, Mrs. Doc," as the case may be, making sure always never to say " My sister Mary," or, " My brother Joe," thereby leaving the stranger ignorant as to name or estate. A mother is always at liberty to introduce her son or daughter ; a husband is supposed always to introduce his wife, and a wife her husband. What Should Follow the Introduction. Nowadays, the usual recognition of an introduction is by a formal bow. Handshaking rarely occurs and a gentleman introduced to a lady never offers his hand unless she should first extend her own. The inclination on the part of the lady is slight, that of the gentle- man deeper. The custom of a courtesy by the lady has scarcely taken root in this countrv. A hostess receiving in her own parlors is at liberty, if she should wish, to extend her hand to all comers. A gentleman upon being introduced to a lady usually suggests that he is " Happy to make her acquaintance," or, " Delighted to make the acquaintance of Miss B ," though, if he choose, he may simply bow, repeating her name. A lady, upon introduction to a gentleman, simply bows, possibly repeating his name, but never is "happy" or "delighted" to make his acquaintance. The pleasure is supposed to be upon his part, the condescension upon her side. She should, how- ever, upon his expression of pleasure, bow', with a slight smile, or a murmured "Thank you," in return, though, a married lady, especially if she be a little the elder, may cordially say she is " glad to meet him." INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS. 29 It is the place of a gentleman, after an introduction to a lad}-, to mr.ke some remark calculated to set the conversational ball rolling, and she should endeavor to supplement his efforts sufficiently to keep up the conversation. If, however, the gentlem.m be younger than the lady and somewhat embarrassed, she should show sufficient tact to open the conversation herself If the introduction is between two ladies, the one who is introduced should make the first remark. Letters of Introduction are fully commented upon and explained in this volume in the Department on Correspondence, where the proper forms for such letters are given. All introductions, however anno\'ing, should be received pleasantly and acknowledged fully while under the roof where they are given, though, an hour after, the two might pass one another in .speechless silence. This is for the hostess' sake, and so great is this solicitude on the part of the well-bred that mortal enemies have met and smiled across the mahogan.y of a mutual friend, thus pre\enting the utter chas^rin of a hostess who discovers, hv frowniuLT fices and a\ertetl gaze, that her carefull\- arranged tlinner is a partial f lilure. A Lady's Wishes Should be Respected. Gentlemen rareU* ask for introiluctions to one another, but, should a lady, for any cause, e.xpress a desire to present two men i)C her acquaintance to one another, the)' must, e\"in if not .inxious for the honor, acquiesce instantly in her request. An introduction given between two visitors callinir ;it the same house need not carry with it any weight unless both parties so desire. At the time, a bow is the most that is demanded; afterward, it is the individual having the most social prestige, or, if there is no difference in standing, the one having most confidence, to whom this privilege 's given of acknowledging or ignoring the introduction. A bowing acquaintance with a person thus introduced cannot in the least injure the social position of an individual. An introductit)n given on the street needs no after recognition. At the time, a gentleman simply lifts his hat, a lady bows, cmd that is all. 30 IXTRODLcTioSS ANT) SALL lATIONS. After any introduction (except the one just mentioned) never give the cut direct save for very good cause. It is too often an uncalled- for insult. SALUTATIONS. The style of salutation differs among nations, but there hav^e been none yet discovered so low in the social scale as to be entirely des- titute of some sign for expressions of respect or fear between man and man. Fear is, perhaps, the origin of respect, for every form of salutation among us to-day may be traced back to a source that plainly affirms it to be the survival of some attitude of deference from the conquered to the conqueror, or some habit of adoration of an unseen Power. In our own customs of salutation we bare the head in token of respect, never thinking that in the olden time it was an act of adora- tion practiced before gods and rulers. C^ur formal bow is simph' the modification of a servile prostration, and the graceful bow of a lad\' of society is but the last remaining trace of a genuflection. When we rise and stand as our friemls enter, or leave, our reception-room, it is an act of respect, it was once an act of homage. The throwing of a kiss is an imitation of an act of worship that de\out Romans practiced before their gods, anil the wa\'e of the hand to a friend across the street is a modification of the same Ccistom. The removal of a gentleman's ghne in shaking hands with a lad\- is the relic of a habit basetl on necessitv, ami datini/ back to a dav when the knight of old removed his iron gauntlet, lest he crush the maiden's hand within its grasp. The removal of the glove was prac- ticed between men also at a later date, when, too often, beneath the heavily embroidered gauntlet, lurked the assassin's dagger, so that to unglove before a hand-clasp grew to be considered an act of good faith. The bow, the hand-clasp, and the kiss are the jjrincipal methods of salutation employed by the most highly civilized nations of this era of the world. INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS. M llie how is the most proper salutation among friends and acquaint- ances meeting in public It is also frequently resorted to en private occasions. The bow should never degenerate into a nod ; this is both ungracious and ungentlemanly. The hat should be lifted sufficiently to clear the head, and the bow, in the reception-room, should slightly incline the body also. Ladies should incline their heads gracefully and smile upon their friends pleasantly, but not broadly. Removing the Hat. A. gentleman should remove his hat from his head with the hand farthest from the person saluted. This turns the hat from instead of towards them. If you see that the person saluted is going to stop to shake hands, use the left in order to leave the right free. A gentleman, in giving assistance to a lady in any difficulty (which should be offered immediately), should do so courteously, lifting hi£ hat and requesting the pleasure of assisting her. This rule, unfortu- nately, is much more frequently observed on the Continent of luirope ♦:han in England or America. Gentlemen meeting and passing ladies on hotel stairs, or in the corridors, should lift their hats, whether acquainted or not. The sam.e courtesy should be observed on entering an elevator where there are one or more ladies, or in opening a door for a LuIn' and giving her precedence in entering. All these observances, slight as they are, mark the thorough gentle- man who respects all women, whether or not there has been a formal presentation between them. In gix'ing up a seat to a lady in a street car, or a crowded room, a gentleman will do so with a slight bow. Such a kindness should always be acknowledged by the lady with a ]:)ow and a polite " Thank you." American women are too prone to take this altogether optional courtesy on the part of men as a matter of course, deserving no thanks at their hands, or to look upon its omission as an infringement of their rights. No true lady will ever fail to acknowledge such cour- 32 INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS. tcsies. Any aid given, or information furnished, should also call forth her thanks. A gentleman walking with a lad}' will salute with a bow any person they may meet to whom she extends the same courtesy, even should the party be quite unknown to him. Where two gentlemen are walking together and they chance to meet a lady with whom one is acquainted iind the other not, both should bow, the one because of his acquaintance and the other out of respect. The Privilege of Recognition. A gentleman should usually wait for a lady to recognize jim first on the street. This privilege of recognition is her prerogative. Especially is this the case if he is simply the acquaintance of a single evening's entertainment. Acquaintances of long standing, however, do not wait for such formalities, usually speaking at about the same moment. When a gentleman and lady are walking together and another gentleman, also a friend of the lady, should meet or overtake the couple, a l)ow and smile and a word of greeting are all that can be permitted the newcomer, when he should at once pass on. By doing otherwise he affronts the lad\''s escort, and should she, by word or look, endeavor to retain him at her side, she also sins against that conventional code which argues that by her own consent she has granted her company, for the time being, to her first escort. As before said, introductions are not to be given in public places, but should it happen -Mt a lady walking with a gentleman meet another lady, and either pause for -i few words, or else walk on beside her for a few steps, the gentleman, at her departure, should lift his hat politely in farewell. If a gentleman should .stop a lady on the street for conversation, and she should be desirous of discontinuing it, she should bow slightly, whereupon the gentleman must instantly take his leave. If she should walk on without breaking up the conversation, he is bound to accompany her. INTRODUCrriONS AND SALUTATIONS. 3S Absolute good form, however, dcmancls tliat a jrcntlcman, wisliiiifj to converse with a lady on the street, should, instead of stopping; her, turn and walk with her for a short distance in the direction in which she may be going. When the conversation is finished, he should lift his hat, bow, wish her " Good morning" or " Good afternoon," as the case may be, and retrace his footsteps in the direction in which he was previously going. Young ladies show the same deference in awaiting a bow from a woman much their senior that a gentleman does towards a lady. A gentleman, in bowing to a lady, if he should be smoking, remove's' his cigar from his lips ; anil if, alas ! his hand or ha.nds should be in his pockets, withdraws them inmiediately. Returning Salutations. A lady's bow should always be returned by a gentleman; if he should be determined not to recognize Jier he should take the pains of crossing the street or in some other manner avoiding the meeting. Bows from persons not recognized at the moment should Ije returned, as it may be some one, not recalled at the moment, yet who has a claim upon your politeness. If the same friend is met several times in the course of a walk or drive, the first bow is all that is required, a smile, or a glance answer- iiii; all purposes of recognition at after meetings. A gentleman lifts his hat on passing a funeral procession or a group of mourners ; he removes it entirely on entering a church, and he should remove it on entering a private offire ; he should remain un- covered while talking to a kuly at a door, unless, after the kindly custom of French ladies, she should request him to replace his hat, on account of wind or weather ; in short, he should be with uncovereil head much more than American men are apt to be. Gentlemen, who are acquainted, should lift their hats slightly upon meeting one another, but should never fail to do so should either one be walking with a lady. Under such circumstances a simple nod Would be a slight towards her. li iNTRODtlCri'IONS AND SAl^UTATrONS. A recognition, by bow or smile, is not required from opposite sides jf the street, or across hotel dinin«^ rooms. Gentlemen riding oi driving, and having both hands occupied, are not compelled to lift the hat on bowing. If saluted by an inferior, do not fail to return the courtesy in kind, emembering Henry Clay, who, when asked why he lifted his hat to an old colored ^nan who had paiil him the same deference, replied, " I never allow j ^Kg *o to outdo me in politeness, sir." Shaking Hands. Gentlemen, as a rule, shake hands upon being introduced to one another. The lady of a house usually shakes hands with all guests whom she receives in her house for the first time. Gentlemen do not, however, offei to shake hands with the hostess, leaving it to her to put the stamp of cordiality upon the ceremony (jf 'ntroduction, or to .•-imp'.y pass it with courtesy. If a lady extends her hand to a gentleman, he does not, as of old, remove his glove, nor does he make use of the out-of-date formul.i, " Excuse my glove." At his departure the laily bows her adieu, but does not again extend her hand. The hand-clasp is a cordi d expression of good will, but there are degrees of cordialit)' to be observed in the performance of this cere- mony. Iwery one knows, and shudilers at, the woman who gives two, or at most, three fingers of a cold and lifeless hand for a. momer.l into your keeping, and every one recognizes and fears the man wh(. swallows up and crushes the entire hand within his powerful grasp Ivich extreme is to be avoided. A lady should give her whole hand, not her fingers ; a gentleman should receive it cordially, holding it neither too tightly nor too loosely, shaking it very slightly and not presuming to retain it. Should a gentleman sin against any of these particulars, a lady is justified in I'efusing to offer her hand next time. A young lady simply gives her hand to a gentleman, neither press- ing nor shaking his, unless it be in the case of especial friends. Two ]N"rk()i)i(^rio\s ANT) sata'Tations. 35 ladies shake hands quietly Both l.idics and gentlemen always rise to shake hands. Elderly people, or invMlids, are permitted to exeusc themselves and keep their seats. Ball-room introductions for danciii*,^ do not necessitate hand- shaking, a bow being all that is required. A very particular intro- duction, wherever given, such as one prefaced by some remark like, ' I want you to kn(nv my friend So-and-So," merits a hand-shake on your )>art, together with some cordial remark. Inferiors in social position should always wait until their superiors offer the hand, never taking the initiative in this respect. This precau- tion will sometimes save them the pain of a marked slight. Words of Salutation. Verbal greetings ought always to be quiet and respectful; they should never be shouted across streets, nor called when the parties are at any distance from each other. Nicknames should not be used ])ublicly and promiscuously, in short, all possible respect should be paid to the feelings of other persons on public occasions. The phrases, "Good morning," "Good evening," "Good after- noon," "How do you do?" "How are you?" are the usual forms employed. Sometimes the name of the person addressed is added, thus: "Good morning, Mrs. Smith." i Replies to these salutations are sometimes simply a bow from a I lady to a gentleman, or perhaps a bow and a repetition of his greet- i ing, as: "Good morning, Mr, Jones." "How do you do," should I)' replied to by the same phrase, never, as is often the case with the n >vice in social arts, by: "I am very well, thank you." A special inquiry after one's health, however, as: "How do you do, T.Irs. Jones?" fallowed, after her acknowledgment, by: "How are you?" or, " How is your health?" should receive the response, "I am very well, thank you." After an acquaintance has been ill, the first inquiry by a friend should be one concerning health. This is a rule that should never be neglected : to do so would be an oversight. Kissinfj is a custom which the code of English and American eti- ji INTRODUCnoNS AND SAlArr.VriQNS. quottc relegates as niucli as jxissihle to the privacy of home. A kiss. tlic outward exprrssioii of cur closest affeetion and our wannest lovi'. should lu-vcr he ULuk- a puhlic show whereat the outsitle world may smile. Hence, the clTusivc kissini;- between -iris and women at their mectin<; and their parting;-, is to be ret;retted as a specimen, to say the least, of very bad taste on their part. Indiscriminate kissing of children and infants is also objectionable on the score of health. Happily, kisses and embraces among men are never .seen in this country, though, in some jKU-ts of l-airope they are constantly to be observed, both in public and private. H o w « /^ o I— ( <1 S. o o > H u O \h ttcir" ^<'^;^..^ ^M Vii#5!i^'^^^^^ often," /Ma^r&€#jiM*s»i-;0 X says Loril L/M^^ft8»fc.yi X says Loril Chesterfield, •• but never long ; in that case if you do not please, at least you are sure not to tire your Jiearers. Pay your own reckoning, but do not treat the entire company: this being one of the very few cases in which people do not care to be treated, every one being fully convinced that he has the wherewithal to pay." All other arts pale before the art of conversation as a source of popularity, and no other accomplishment tends so much toward social success. The contact of many minds is a constant stimulus to mental activity and its outward expression in animated conversation. It lends new power to brilliancy of talent, and quickens, to a certain extent, even then the lowest and dullest of intellects. Everyone has been surprised and delighted at times by some unexpectedly brilliant remark that has flashed from his lips during the course of some animated exchange of badinage and repartee, and there is no one but reali/.es how the mind acquires breadth and the opinions grow tolerant as one converses with persons of intelligence and culture. Since, however, according to Cicero, " Silence is one of the greatest arts of conversation," there may be added, with ecjual wisdom, to the above counsel, " Listen often and well." Be not an impatient listener, nor yet an impassive one, but pay the compliment of attention and interest to the subject in hand, and your company will be sought as an acquisition. !8 ART OF CONVERSATION. Any l.idy, by profound attention to, and a pleased interest in the subject under consideration, may promote the conversation moi^l skillfully and delightfully. Knowletl^'e of the subject is not alw.iys necessary. An Kuj^jlish savant, dee[)ly interested in I'-^^yptology, once escorted a younj^ lady out to dinner. His conversation, as a matter of course, turned entirely upon excavations, hiero^l\phics, and kindred topics. Upon all these the younj; lady was profoundly ignorant, hut, if unversed in l^<,ryptian lore, she was most thoroughly versed in con- versational arts, and, by hi ..peaking glances of intelligence and her pleased smile, so fascinated the man of science that he enthusiastic.dly declared afterward that " Miss L was one of the best conversa tionalists and the most mtelligent young lady he h.id ever nivt, antl that her knowledge of Egyptology was something wonderful." This, to one who had sat opposite them at table, and could have vcjuched that the lady in question had not spoken a single word through the entire dinner, was slightly amusing. So strong, however, was the impression left upon the mind of the savant by her interested attention^ that it would have been difficult to convince him of the fact. The Good Listener. This, even if an exception, shows what attentive listening may accomplish toward social success. Let it be mentioned here, how- ever, that no one individual should be so carried away by a pet hobby as to force conversation into a monologue. A very well-bred man, no matter how great his interest in or eloquence upon any topic may be, always catches at the slightest hint to close the conversation. A man will always bear in mind that the greatest compliment he can pay a woman is a respectful, deferential attention to her words. There arc men whose very manner of listening conveys, in itself, the most delicate flattery. A woman, in her turn, should always remember that, however interesting her conversation may be, there is always danger that a man may possibly weary of its protracted continuance, and so she should forebear leaving him no loophole for escape. Louise Chandlci ART OF CONVERSATION. .31) Moulton enjoins one thinjr on women wliich they would do well to recollect, and that is, "if they want a man to st.iy with them to make it evidently and entirely easy for him to get away. There is some- thin" lawless and rebellious in even the best of men ; they hate do'uv^ thinj^s because they are oliliged." Suitable Topics. To render conversation ai^reeable, suitable topics for the company present, if possible, must be chosen. Neither soar above the level of their conversation, nor sink so far beneath it, as to lead them to infer thit \'ou possess a very slight opinion of their merits. In conversiuLj, too many educated men fall into the error of talking commonplaces to all women alike, as if "small talk," to the exclusion of all W-ightier matters, were the only species of conversation suited to a wom;ui's ear. On the contrary, she is more often either hurt or angered at \our evident condescension, or, on the other hand, she credits you with just the amount of knowledge that you have evinced in your conversation with her. In the search after suitable topics it is well to remember that all are pleased b) a display of interest in their especial affairs. Thus, by leading th artist to talk of his pictures, the lady amateur of her music, the primct donna of her successes, the mother of her children, the author of nis book, you may rest assured that they will always speak of you a^ a person of great discrimination and a very interesting con- versation dist. They in their turn, unless extremely devoid of tact and eminentl/ selfish, will display sufficient regard for your feelings to give an opportunity for waxing eloquent on your part over your own pet topics. Be very careful then not to fall into that besetting fault of good I.Jkers, a monologue, which is fatal to all conversation. Richard Steele gave a most desirable maxim for conversation when he said: "I would establish one great rule in conversation, which is this, that men should not talk to please themselves, but those that hear them — adapting their words to the place where, the time when, and the person to whom they arc spoken," 40 ART OF CONVERSATION. Misuse of Quotations. Do not use classical quotations before a woman unless you know that, by virtue of a classical education on her own part, she is capable of appreciating the point. Remember, too, that there are a great many men who, not having enjoyed your educational advantages, are annoyed, rather than edified by your display of learning. Do not make a point of exhibiting your learning aggressively any- where. " Classical quotation is the literarj,- man's parole the world over," says Dr. Samuel Johnson, but he savored somewhat of the pedant, and his imitators, by too frequent an indulgence in this habit, may run the risk of aping his pedantry without possessing his genius. Neither is it well to interlard conversation Avith too frequent quotations from luiglish authors, no matter how well they may fit the occasion. This is a habit that easily becomes tiresome. "Small Talk." The current change of society is the light coin of" small talk" that breaks with chink and shimmer the heavy bills of large denomination, that else would overwhelm social conversation with their size. Wiseacres may meet and learnedly discourse on all manner of sage subjects, but that is discussion, debate, argument, what you will, not conversation. Conversation is light, brilliant, and tossed back and forth from one to another with the grace and ease of the feathered shuttlecock. A lady of high literary attainments was seen in a gay gathering sit- ting quietly by herself in a corner, and, being questioned by a friend as to her silence, replied, half bitterly, " I have no 'small change,' and my bank bills are all of too large denomination for the occasion." This is a difficulty that one should strive to overcome, for, after all, it is small change, rather than bank bills, that society in general requires. Given the foundation of even a moderate education, the aspirant for social success will gain more ideas from modern fiction than from any ART OF CONVERSATION. 41 other source whatever. No historian presents the social manners and customs of his time with half the accuracy displayed by our best fiction writers. A well-known society woman, familiar with its usages both at home and abroad, declares that "a course of Anthony Trol- lope is as good as a London season," and we all know that Howells and James and other authors of that ilk have lifted the portieres of our own drawing rooms and shown us what is transpiring therein. Gai! Hamilton says 'hat to be " well-smattcred " is next best to being deeply learned and nowhere can a smattering of almost everything be better gained than from the modern works of fiction. A Valuable Source of Knowledge. h. .riend of the writer, a talented elocutionist, and socially brilliant, once said with reference to her (juiet country home and her sudden emergence therefrom to mingle in Washington society, that she found herself perfectly at ease in those circles so widely different from her previous experience of life, and that "she attributed it wholly to her knowledge of social customs and the social atmosphere, as gained from the best society stories." It was in this manner that she served her social novitiate and the result bore testimony to its efficacy. Where one is not quite sure of rising to the occasion it is well to be provided, before attending a social gathering, with several topics that will be suitable to bring forward in conversation. Many are in the habit of doing this constantlv. Some new book, one that created a little sensation, some course of lectures, some late theatrical or operatic entertaiimient, anything, in short, that is generally popular. Be careful, however, in broaching such subjects not to egotistically give your own opinion at the outset by saying decidedly, " I think that book is a perfect failure, quite absurd in fact. What is your opinion?" This course of action, if your companion is younger or more timid than yourself, will probably reduce him to the point of having no opinion whatever, or at least to being afraid to express it, and the conversa- tion, as such, will fail completely. Whereas, if you had quietly asked liun if he had read the book, how he enjoyed it, etc., you would have 42 ART OF CONVERSATION. j:^r,i'Jually entered upon a conversation wherein you would have drawn out his ideas and at tlie same time have been enabled to display your own. Cultivate Your Mind. One of the first requisites of social success is a cultivated mind. You cannot hope to hold your own in society without at least a general knowledge of the events of the last few years in historical, scientific, artistic and social fields. Such knowledge is easily gained by a little stud}' and a great deal of observ^ation, the pains taken being more than recompensed by the ease and assurance with which one enters society. If a musican or an artist, vou should be sure to know something of your chosen art aside from the mere technicalities. Be well versed in the various schools of painting, the varied merits of the musical mas- ters of the past and present. Be filled with the spirit as well as the technique of your profession and you cannot fail to converse pleas- antly upon these subjects. Always remember, however, not to advance your opinions to the utter exclusion of every one else, or your companionship will become tiresome to the best of listeners. "Drawing Out Others." The very essence of the art of conversation is to draw others out and cause them to shine ; to be more anxious, apparently, to discover other people's opinions than to advance your own. Who does not remember gratefully and admiringly the sympathetic people who seem to draw out the very best there is in us — in whose company wc appear almost brilliant, and actually surprise ourselves by the fluency and point of our remarks ? Such people are a boon to society. No one sits dull and silent in thtnr presence, or says unpleasant, sarcastic things before them, and, while never seeming to advance any views of their own, and certainly never forcing them upon our attention, we involuntarily learn of them and love them, scarcely knowing why. ART OF CONVERSATION. 43 Malcbraiichc showed his knowledge of human nature when he wrote: '* He who has imparted to others his knowledj^e witliout any- one perceiving it and without drawinj^ from it any advantage, neces- sarily gains all hearts by his virtuous liberality. Those who would be loved, and who have much wit, should thus impart it to others." The Passion for Argument. Never permit yourself to be drawn into an argument in general society. Nothing can be more provocative of anger on one side or another, or more destructive to conversation, than a lengthy and, too often, bitter argument. Good breeding would suggest that the sub- ject be changed at once before the controversy becomes heated. Ivspecially should any debate upon politics or religion be avoided as subjects upon which two seldom agree, but which are so close to the hearts of the majority as to cause serious annoyance if their pet beliefs are touched upon or questioned. Be careful, also, not to take the opposite side of every question that is brought up in conversation. Wit and Humor. Sidney Smith once said : " Man could direct his ways by plain reason and support his life on tasteless food ; but God has given us wit and flavor, and laughter and perfumes, to enliven the days of man's pilgrimage, and to charm his jjiiined footsteps over the burning mar!." And Sidney Smith was so much the life and soul of every .social gatheri'ig that, while the English language is spoken, his wkty ^■cmarks will be quoted with delight. Wit, however, is too often but another name for sarcasm.-, and ridicule, that, like a barbed arrow, rankles long in the soul of its victim. True humor, it should be remembered, is neither scathing nor insolent ; it is simply that bright repartee that someone aptly calls the " spice of conversation." Hence it would be well to smother the temptation to be witty at the expense of another, and crush back the brilliant but -. jtting retort meant only to wound, not to amuse. 44 ART OF CONVERSATION. Evil Speaking. Beware of evil speaking. In the eyes of all right-minded persons much that you have said recoils upon your own head, for no one has quite the same opinion of an individual after having listened to a series of scandalous stories from his lips. Hence, for your own sake, as well as for that of others, eschew the vice of evil speaking as a very pestilence. Let young ladies have a care how they speak lightly or contemp- tuously of one another at any time, but more especially when convers- ing with men. Nothing, as a rule, is more prejudicial to a woman, in the estimation of a man, than this all-too-prevalent habit. No matter what the faults of your sister-woman may be, condone them gently, or, if this be impossible, let a silence that is golden fall about the subject. Unhesitatingly acknowledge a woman's beauty or talent, and, instead of detracting from your own merits, it will enhance them in the eyes of all. A young man was once heard by the writer counselling his sister from the depths of his own experience as a social favorite. '* Never," said he, " say one word against a girl to any young man. It only puts you down in their estimation. Say something pretty and complimentary about them if you can ; if not, keep still." And his advice was words fitly spoken, that are, indeed, " like apples of gold in pictures of silver." "Telling Stories." Stories should never be introduced into general conversation unless they meet several requirements. In the first place, they should be short and well told. Secondly, they should be new to the company where they are told. Nothing is more tiresome than listening to a twice-told tale, though the height of good breeding is to smile over its tediousness. One way to avoid inflicting this martyrdom is to ask beforehand if any one present has heard such and such a story. Then, in the third "SOCIETY IS QUICK TO TRACE THE MAGIC OF A PLEASING FACE." ART OF CONVERSATION. 45 place, it must be straight to the point, and dinxtly called for as an illustration of the case in hand. Do not tell more than two or three stories or anecdotes in the same evening. Never be guilty of relating in company a narrative that is in the least questionable in its import. This is utterly inexcusable, and, to so sin, is to render one's self unfit for social companionship. Avoid repetition. If some portion of an anecdote has met with cipplause, do not repeat it. Its unexpectedness was its only charm. Absent-Mindedness. This is a sin against good manners which cannot be too greatly condemned, being, as it is, in some measure an insult to the company in which you find yourself No one cares to be of so little importance as to find the person addressed totally oblivious of his presence or remarks, and no one can blame him if, as Chesterfield suggests, "finding you absent in mind, you should speedily find them absent in body." Profuse Compliments. To be endurable, compliments should be made use of in a very cautious ano' nrtful manner. If permitted to degenerate into gross flattery they are far from complimentary to the understanding of the individual addressed. The day, happily, is long since past when con- versation between men and women was confined to unmixed flattery on the one side and blushing acceptance on the other. That "the best flattery is that which comes at second hand," no one can de y, yet, judicious praise is not only acceptable but useful many times in giving the needed incentive, without which the flagging footsteps might have faltered on their way. Contradictions and Interjections. Never be guilty of abrupt contradictions. If you differ decidedly from some given opinion, soften the expression of your difference by such modifications as, "I hardly think so," or, " My idea is rather 4« ART OF CONVERSATION. different," or, "I beg to differ." This is much more polite and less likely to arouse antagonistic feelings. ■ In conversation never allow yourself to fall into the habit of using constantly such phrases as "You don't say! " ** Uo tell!" "Did you ever?" "Is that so?" and many others that will come to mind as you recall your own faults in this respect, and the faults of your friends, An equal avoidance should be cultivated of such interjections a.s " Say," "Well," etc., with which we often begin our sentences. Tlie.se habits are all to be condemned an I should be corrected ns .speedily as possible. Voice and Manner. Let youi ^ice be low and pleasantly modulated and your enuncia- tion clear, distinct and musical. All these things are marks of good breeding, and, if not yours by birthright, may be acquired by patience and perseverance. Avoid high tones and nasal tones. Do not talk rapidly, or in a hesitating, stumbling fashion. A partial course in elocution and voice training will work wonders in this direction, -^nd any one determined to succeed will never regret the time or money so spent. Cultivate also, if shy and timid by nature, self esteem sufficient tc imagine that you are quite the equal of those with whom you are about to meet. This resolution will enable you to say what you wish without fear of mistake, and without showing too much respect of persons. The above-mentioned elocutionary lessons will also be an ; i 1 toward acquiring self-possession. Repose of manner should be assiduously cultivated. Do not fidget or loll about in your chair, or twist your fingers constantly, or play with something while you talk, or restlessly beat a tattoo with fingers or feet. All such faults render your companionship a burden to those about you. Indulge in no facial contortions, as they rapidly become habits diffi- cidt to break and usually leave their traces on the face in lines impossible to effixce. Lifting the eyebrows, rolling the eyes, opening ART ()? rO\\T.R?;ATTON. 4? them very widely, tuistinj^ the mouth and opening it so as to show the t()n<;uc in t ilkinj^r, arc all disagreeable habits, that, once acquired, can only be broken by ceaseless vigilance. Practice talking without moving the facial muscles but slightl)'. Do this before your mirror daily, if necessar}-, and before the same faithful mentor learn to open the eyes less widely, parting the lids only just so far as to show the colored iris without a glimpse of the white portion, or cornea, of tlie eye above or below it. The time thus spent will result in a change most gratifying to yourself and frienciS, Conversational Sins. Never interrupt a person who is talking. Never take the words out of anyone's mouth and finish the sentence for them. To do this is ill-brcil and does not bespeak your superior discernment, but your ignorance (^f polite society. Puns, unless exceptionally witty, are to be carefully avoided. Young ladies, especially, should beware of establishing any reputation for punning. At all events, puns should never be far-fetched. Do not whisper in company; nothing can be more vulgar. Neitlier should two in a gathering converse together in a foreign language, not understood by the others present, or talk blindly in a manner unintelli- gible only to themselves. Should, however, a distinguished foreigner to whom the language is almost unknown be among the guests, it is a mark of courtesy for as many as possible to converse in his native tongue. Do not immediately break off the conversation upon persons entering the room. It is too a])t to leavx^ the impression upon their minds that the discourse was of them. In carrying on a conversation after newcomers enter the room, briefly recapitulate what lias gone before, that the thread of the story may be complete for them. Look at those with whom you are talking, but never stare. Profanity is the last and most inexcusable sin committed against good manners and propriety. The man who will deliberately use profane language in the drawing-room, or before women and children, or aged men, should be considered without the pale of .^ood society. 48 ART OF CONVERSATION. I.arifTuarrc coarse in its tendency is open to the same criticism, anil .'cmarks and stories tliat carry a double meaiiini^ cannot be too severely condemned. If it is at any time possible for a woman to receive such a story in its innocent sense, let her do it, showing by some remark the lij^ht in which it is taken ; otherwise, she should be apparently blind and ignorant as to its meaning. Avoid affectations. In conversation make use of lon0 ART Ol- COWT.RSATION. ftriority on theirs. In this latter case it savors strongly of patronage. \n speaking to people always give them their proper titles, a.s : •* Colonel," " Doctor Jones," " Professor Gray." Never make a prac- tice of saying: "That is so. Colonel," but, "That is so. Colonel Sharp." In mentioning a married daughter, unless to a very intimate friend, give her married title, as : ".Mrs. Milkr," or, " My daughter, Mrs, Miller." In speaking of unmarried (laughters, or of sons (unless to servants), give them their Christian name, as Ilattie or George, or else mention tliem, and this is better before strangers, as : "My daughter," or, "My son." Misuse of Initials. Never address persons by their initials, as: "Mrs. W.," "Miss C," "Mr. D.;" give them instead their full name. Neither should }'oi/ call young ladies, "Miss Mollie," or "Miss Jennie;" "Miss Smith,' or, " Miss Hrown," being in much better taste. Their Christian names shoukl only be used to distinguish them from other sisters, Nevet address people by iheir Christian names unless' very familiarly ac- quainted. This practice savors of ill-breeding and is often very annoying to the person so addressed. In speaking of persons who are absent, mention them by their last name, as: "Mrs. Roe," "Mr, Doe," imless the intimacy is very great ; even then care should be taken not to use their Christian names too freely among persons to whom they may be strangers. A wife in speaking of her husband should rather say " Mr, Smith," than " My husband ;" but, above all, let her refrain from referring to her liege lord as "he," as if the whole wide world possessed no other mortal to whom that pronoun was applicable. Husbands should follow the same rules in referring to their wives. Be careful not to interlard conversation with 'sir," or "ma'am," In Europe these terms are relegated to the use of the lower cla.sses. YisiTiNG Cards. ARDS arc the sign manual of society. Their use .'ind development belongs only to a hisj,!: order of civilization. They accompany iis, as one writer lias justly remarked, all lIic \\a\' from the cradle to the <^n-ave. They begin with engraved announcements of tliC birth of a child, then cards for its christening, and, later on, daintv little cards of invitation for children's parties, until, in due time, tho girl crosses that line "Where the brook and river meet Womanhood and childhood sweet," sets up a card of her own, and blossoms forth into a young l;idy. They c'mnounce the gaieties, the pleasures, the anniversaries of life : they inquire for us during our illness and sorrow, they return thanks for our gifts and attentions, and, finally, they commemorate to ou friends the last, sad earthly scene and ring the curtain down. The stress laid by society upon the correct usage of these magic bits of pasteboard will not seem unnecessary when it is remembered that the visiting card, socially defined, means, and is frequently made to take the place of, one's self. It will be seen, therefore, that one of the first requisites for social success is to understand the language, so to speak, of the visiting card. With this end in view the following suggestions on the subject have been carefully arranged with due regard to brevity, accuracy and ease of reference. Style of the Card. The card should be perfectly plain, fine in texture, thin, whit<\ un- glazed and engraved in simple script without flourishes. Gilt edges. 61 52 VISITING CARDS. rounded or clip/-^d corners, tinted surfaces or any oddity of lettering, such as Germ/n or Old English text, are to be avoided. A photo- graph or any ■.' rnamcntation whatever upon a card savors of ill-breed- ing or rusticity. Have the script engraved always, never printed. The engrav-^d autograph is no longer considered in good taste, neither are written :ards as elegant ;is those that are engraved. Size of the Card. The tribulation size, both in this country and England, for a lady's visiting" ,:ard is three and one-half inches in length and two and one- half i>-^jies in widtli. This oblong form is most generally used, but r there is an almost square shape, two and a half inches by three, also in favor, and especially used by unmarried ladies where the shortness of their name would be too much emphasized in the longer card. For instance : " Miss Ray" would be c[uite justified in choosing the square style, while "Miss Ethelinda Crane" or " Mrs. Algernon Spencer" would find the length of their names displayed to better advantage on tl'.e oblong card. K'i.f.ds Lir gentlemen arc much smaller than those for ladies, This VISITING CARDS 53 holds good in both England and America, where the required size is three inches one way by one inch and a half the other. r Ui' f.'&i^ffe^j-/i' ^. ^Q'>j/if'cA'C i. IIun'T. Occasionallx' they preserve this custom througjiout the entire first season, liut this is all; from thenceforth husband and wife havetlicir own sejDarate c;irds. They may, however, be used at times through- out tlie married life to convey messages of sympathy, congratulatioi., or to accompany gifts. Widows hav'C always hesitated about exchanging the beloved and accustomed name upon their cards for their own signature. This, however, in many cases, is a necessity, especially where there is a son bearing the f ither's name. This is sometimes thought to be avoided by the use of the distinctive "Senior" or "Junior," a custom obviously wrong, since after the death of Francis ]iro\vn, Senior, Francis ]>rown, Junior, becomes at once Francis Ijrown, ami liis wife, Mrs. Francis Brown. Hence, while we have no such convenient title as " Dow- ager," the widowed Mrs. Francis Brown will be obliged to drop her husband's name in fi\-or of her son's wife and thenceforth appear before the world as Mrs. Mary 1^'. Brown. Where there are no children, or immediate relatives, change of title on the part of the widow is a mere matter of sentiment VISITING CARDS. 55 The black border upon a widow's cards should never be over a quarter of an incli in depth : more than this savors of ostentation rather than affliction. Young ladies, especially if it is their first season in society, will find it the best form to have their names engraved upon the visiting card of their mother. Thus, if it is the eldest daughter : Mrs, Wilfrid Ferguson. i\Iiss Ferguson. If a younger daughter : Mrs. Wilfrid Furguson, Miss Ivihel Furguson. A.nd if it should chance that two daughters "come out" in consecu- tive* seasons both of their names are frequently engraved upon their mother's card, thus : Mrs. Wilfrid Furguson. Miss Furguson. Miss Ftiiel Furguson. Thjugh It often happens that, for convenience sake, by the time the second rosi:bud is "out," the first has established a cardcase of her own. Yet as neither custom nor etiquette sanctions young girls in having cards of their own, a mother often continues to have the name of her young daughters engraved upon her own card. Young ladies should always prefix " Miss" to their names, as : M:ss AiicE Creighton Wright, there being a certain forwardness about announcing one's self as : Alice Creighton Wright. Especially is this so among strangers, the prefix " Miss " carrying with it a certain quiet reserve and dignity. 66 VISITING CARDS. The eldest daughter of a family announces herself upon her card» as " Miss Wright," unless there arc several of the same name m town, while the others are respectively "Miss Alice Creighton Wright" and "MissKthel May WTight." Occasionally a card is used for sisters engraved as follows : Misses Wright, All pet names are to be avoided upon visiting cards and "Nettie Cranston" very properly becomes "Miss Annette Cranston" upon her cards. Neither are initials good form for young ladies, though after an unmarried lady has reached a certain, or rather an " uncertain," age, she may, if she choose, be permitted to place upon her visiting cards : Miss A. C. Wright. It the young lady be motherless she often has her name engraved beneath that of her father, using not the smaller card of a gentleman but the first given oblong card for ladies. In England unmarried ladies, unless they have reached a very " uncertain" age indeed, follow the above fashion, and quite young ladies leave their chaperon's card as well. This fashion is often followed here, and when so done signifies that they will be inseparable for the season. Address on Cards. There is much question as to whether the address should be engraved on a lady's card, some very exclusive circles prohibiting it entirely on a young lady's card and questioning its use for a married lady, suggesting that in case a )'oung lady desires to give her address to any particular indivichial it may be easily pencilled on one of her cards for the occasion, antl that married ladies have the privilege of leaving one of their husband's, with engraved address, in connection with their own. This custom, while it may seem an over-nicety to those outside the great centers of metropolitan life, will be appreciated by all those to whom the "ins and outs" of city life are familiar. It should be said that while engraving the address is still a mooted ques' VISITING CARDS. 57 tion, except for youn<^ ladies, each individual is at liberty to use her own judgment on the question. Cards for Gentlemen. The size and style of a {gentleman's card has been already given, but a few words as to name and titles will be necessary here. Custom, with reference to the cards that a man must carry, is considerably less arbitrary than towards women in the same respect. He may use his initials or his full name, as it pleases him. He may inscribe himself " Mr. John Smith," or simply " John Smith," and be quite correct in so doing, though just now there is a little inclination in favor of the more formal " Mr," an English custom we do well in copying. Mititary, not militia, naval and judicial titles, may always be used. Physicians and clergymen have the same privilege ; honorary titles, however, should be avoided. A private gentleman would have his card as: Mr. Howard Mason, 24 Union Square. If he were a club man, the club name, providing it were a very fashionable one, would take the place of the address, as: Mr. Howard Mason, Union League Club. For a military card: Captain Arthur Coleman, U. S. A. For a naval card : Admiral Porter, U. S. N. A medical man might use the following : George H. Harrison, M.D. Some eminent men go to extreme simplicity, as, for instance, ** Mr, Webster " being all that graced the cards of that celebrity. It is hardly necessary to say that a business card should never be used as a visiting card. A gentleman carries his cards cither in his pocket or in a small leather case sold for that purpose. Cards for Receptions. Cards used for receptions, lawn-tennis parties, afternoon teas, etc., in place of more formal invitations, have been fully described under '• Invitations." One example will suffice here : Mrs. Law'rexce Barrett, July ist, at 4. p. m. The object of the entertainment being written in the corner of the engraved card. 58 VISITING CARDS. Cards for receptions are a necessary convenience in this era ol lengthy visiting lists. Without tliem there would be no possibility of leisure or of seeing one's friends at their own homes. The fol'.ow- ing is an example: Mrs. Emmons B. Churchill, Thursdays. Or: Thursdays, Three o'clock to five, may be substituted ; the latter form, however, usually meaning that a simple afternoon tea will be served on the day mentioned. A young lady never sends out a reception card in her own name alone, but her name is engraved upon her mother's card or that of her chaperon, thus : Mrs. Harold Grav ; Mlss Gray, Wednesdays, Four o'clock to seven. Or, in case of a chaperone: Mrs. George M. Jansen; Miss Alice LeVictoire, Wednesdays, Three o'clock to five. Foreign Phrases. There arc a certain number of French phrases that custom has declared shall take the place of that "pure English undefiled " whereof Spenser wrote. In a few cases these chance to be shorter, more euphonious, and more directly to the point than the correspond- ing English phrase. For instance, the word " chaperon," so impor- tant in its signification at the present, has no adequate English translation. Below is given an alphabetical list of those phrases in most frequent use, together with the abbreviations that ofttimes serve in place of the full phrase : French Phrases. Abbrevl^tions. Translations. Bal masque A masquerade ball. CJuxpcron An older woman attending a girl in society. Costume de rigucur Costume to be full dress. Debut First appearance. Debutante A young girl making her first social appearance. En ville E. V. ... In town oi" city. fete Chamjfetu , A rural or outdoor enter- tainment. VISITING CARDS. 50 Matinee A morning or daylight en tcrtainmcnt. .}fa/iuce musicalc A daylight musical enter tainment. ^^llsicaIc Musical entertainment. Poiti- (fire adieu P. D. x\. . . To say farewell. Pour peudrc conge P. P. C. . . . To take leave. Protege One under protection. Pcpondez s' il voHs plait . . . R. S. V. P. . . Reply if you please. Soiree An evening party. Soiree dansante A dancing party. Soiree mitsicale A musical entertainment. The term en villc, when used in the place of " city," in addressing a note that is to pass through the postman's hands, is a needless and annoying affectation, since it is hardly to be expected that a knowledge of the French language forms one of the qualifications for a letter- carrier's position, and if delay ensues in delivery, the writer, not the carrier, is to blame. P. P. C. Cards. In the event of leaving town for a long absence, P. P. C. cards arc frequently sent out. This is especially convenient where the length of one's visiting list renders the personal making of farewell calls an impossibility. The cards arc sent out upon the eve of departure, and all persons receiving them are expected, upon the arrival of the absentee, to return the courtesy by cards (which may also be sent by mail) and by invitations. The ordinary engraved visiting card is used, and the initials P. P. C. (an abbreviation of the I'rench phrase " to take leave ") are written in capitals in the lower left hand corner of the card. P. D. A. (to say farewell) is occasionally used, but is not in general favor. If the address should happen to be engraved in the lower left hand corner, P. P. C. may be written in the lower right hand corner, cither way being permissible at any time. The large card inscribc'l jointly with the name of husband and wife is frequently used in this connection. P. P. C. cards are especially appropriate 60 VISITING CARDS. where there arc no calls clue. If possible, unpaid personal call« should be answered in person on the eve of departure. Turning Down the Corners. This custom is almost out of date, and in consequence of the various interpretations liable to be given to the act, its disuse is a satisfaction to all parties concerned. To briefly explain the custom, a card turned down at the corner, or across one end, signifies that the call was made in person, and is sometimes very convenient when one wishes it distinctly understood that the card was brought in person, not sent; while one folded through the center denotes that the call in- cludes all members of the family. A man should not turn down the corners of his cards. Minor interpretations, such as which end or which corner is to be turned down on different occasions, even the surviving adherents of the custom do not pretend to agree upon. How to Leave Cards. In leaving cards follow the fashion of those who have paid you the same courtesy. If a call has been made upon you, return it by a call, as to return a personal visit by the sending of a bit of pasteboard would partake of the nature of a slight. If cards only Imvc been sent you by a servant, return cards in the same manner by messenger or servant ; if they were sent by mail, return by mail. If the cards of any of the gentlemen of a house are left, always leave the cards of any gentleman of your family in return. Of course first calls should be made and returned in person, the card-leaving formalities coming later on. This rule is departed from only by a few ladies whom age, health, social or literary duties will excuse from making personal calls. These frequently permit them- selves to send out cards in place of a first call, either accompanying them with, or immediately following them by an invitation to some entertaiment. This attention should receive the same notice as a first call; cards should be sent in return, together with an answer to the VISITING CARDS. 61 invitation, if it is of a nature to require it, and a personal call must be made thereafter, unless it was simply an afternoon tea, and an invita- tion sent in return speedily as possible. A lady leaves a card for a lady only, a gentleman leaves cards for the host and hostess of a house. Some authorities assert that a man makin^j the first call of ceremony should, in addition to the first- mentioned cards, if none of the family arc at home, leave another folded down throuf^h the center for the other members of the family. The foldin- tainments. But a dinner absolutely requires a personal call. Even gentlemen, usually so remiss in such matters, are rather ex- pected to leave a card in person after a dinner. Any invitation, however, coming from a new acquaintance, necessitates a personal call, unless the intercourse is not to be kept up. In towns and smaller cities, a personal call is made after entertainments of any size. After a Tea a visit is paid and thus the visiting etiquette for a year is established. Before the season is over, however, the lady, if she expects to retain her position in society for the next season, must give a tea, or a series of teas, inviting all who have similarly honored her. This must be done before the season closes. Where the tea is not attended, cards should be sent to the house the same day. VISniNC. CARDS. G5 Special Receptions, such as those dress affairs given once or twice in a season, require a personal card. General Receptions, or "at homes," given in a series, the dates of which are all mentioned on one card, need neither cards nor calls in return. Your presence there is a call in itself. A card may be left in the hall upon the day of reception to assist the memory of the liostess. Other Hints. Ladies in a strange city, staying either with friends or at a hotel, are privileged to send cards, giving their address, to any acquaint- ances, either lady or gentleman, from whom they may wish to receive a call. If desirable, they may send a note i'l preference, giving date or hour when they will be at home. Special Pursuits. Ladies having special pursuits, literary, or pro- fessional, often permit this fact to cover remission in social demands, in fact do not "visit" at all. For a S(jn, upon his introduction to society here in America, there is ver)' little display made. His cntnc is usually very gradual, but if he has been closely kept at school his freedom from this is often an- nounced by his mother leaving his card with her own when she makes her visits at the beginning of the season. This is taken as a sugges- tion that, in future, his name is to be included among the invited members of the family. Cards for an unmarried gentleman should never be left by a lady, except in the case of his having given an entertainment at which ladies were present. In this case the lady of the house should drive to his door with her own cards and those of her family. Names of the young ladies should be engraved for the occasion upon the card of their mother or chaperon. The cards should be sent in by a servant. If a call is made upon a lady's regular reception day, it is rude to leave a card only, without entering and inquiring for the hostess. The time spent inside the house may be very brief, but even a few moments will satisfy the demands of etiquette, which without these would be rudely violated. 66 VISITING CARDS. Cards may be made to accomplish so much of the multifarious duties of society that one can scarcely imag. le the social world revolving safely upon its axis without their intervention. Far be it from any to look upon the custom as a hollow mocker)', for, without the system of formal visiting, or calling, society as it now stands could not exist. Such, too, are the complexities of modern existence that life would be all too short for the fulfillment of its demands were it not for these useful bits of pasteboard that do so much of our work by proxy and dispose of our undesirable acquaintances so speedily by the simple cessation, on our part, of leaving cards at their door. Various Cards. Among the cards as }'et not referred to in this department may be mentioned the following : Cards of Congratulation, such as those sent the parents of a newly- betrothed couple upon the announcement of the betrothal ; those sent the happy parents of a lately arrived son or daughter, etc. Cards of this description should be left in person, though it is not expected that you should enter and make a formal visit. The leaving in person, however, is a compliment. Cards of Betrothal are distributed by the parents of the newly- engaged pair, leaving their cards with their own on all friends of the family. Individuals receiving these cards should call as soon as possible. Cards of Courtesy are sent on many occasions. For instance, to a house where the children or youth of their family have been invited without including the ciders. This is done in acknowledgment of the courtesy extended to their children. Again, a gift however simple, even flowers, should always be accompanied by a card of courtesy. The simple visiting card is usually sufficient, though a " Merry Christmas," " Happy New Year," or " Many happy returns of the day," may be penciled beneath the name. If there are many words to be written, however, a little note of courtesy is far better. (See Notes.) The recipient of the gift should answer by a note of thanks. VISITING CARDS. 67 never by a card simply. Cards should also accompany, or be attached to, P.owers sent to a funeral, that the family may know friends remem- bered them in their sorrow. Cards of Inquiry are frequently sent, or better still, left in person, at the homes of friends prostrated by severe illness, or by recent bereavement. These usually have the words, "To inquire," or "With kind inquiries," pencilled above the name. These are many times a source of relief during the weary days of convalescence, or the heavy hours of seclusion after affliction, when the voices of friends would be too hard to bear, but the thought of their loving remembrance yields a healing balm. In cases of bereavement the cards should be sent about one week after the sad occasion that called them forth Acknowledgment of Inquiry Cards. Cards of Thanks are usually sent out in reply to these cards of inquiry, since the answering in any other fashion would prove too great a task. The regular visiting card may be used in this case, pencilling the words " With thanks for kind inquiries," or, "With thanks for the kind inquiries of Mrs. ," beneath the engraved name ; or cards especially engraved for the occasion may be substi- tuted, thus : " Mrs. presents her sincerest thanks for recent kind inquiries." These may be sent by mail, but really should be carried by special messenger. Enclose in two envelopes. There is another method of acknowledging attentions during a period of bereavement, viz., the notice in the daily papers. This, however, does not usually meet with favor in large cities, but the example set by Mr. and Mrs. Secretary Blaine upon the death of their son, is, from its heartfelf pathos, worthy of imitation. The card appeared in all the Washing- ton papers as follows : "The sympatliy of friends has been so generously extended to Mr. and Mrs. Blaine in the great grief which has befallen their household that they are unable to make personal response to each. They beg, therefore, that this public recognition be accepted as the grateful acknowledgment of a kindness that has beeu most helpful through the days of an irreparable loss." m VISITING CARDS. Birth cards are frequently sent to all friends, at home and abroad, as soon as the child is named. One very pretty style now in mind read as follows : Ethel May Toucev, Half-pabt twelve o'clock, January 12, 1895. This was enclosed in two small envelopes and sent by mail. These are more especially useful for sending to friends at a distance. Christening and Funeral Cards are considered in their respective departments. Families in deep mourning are not expected to send out return cards under the first year. .Some prefer, however, to send cards of thanks very soon to those who have inquired, leaving ordinary visiting cards unanswered the usual length of time. THE customs of society in regard to visiting or "call- ing," and the rules that govern these customs, are well worthy of our attention and care, since they in a great measure underlie and uphold the structure of our social life. No one, there- fore, need consider these details trivial or of little account, since, according to Lord Chesterfield, " Great talents are above the appre- ciation of the generality of the world, but all people are judges of civility, grace of manner, and an agreeable address, because they feel the gocd effects of them as making society easy and pleasing." Length of Visits. Ceremonious visits should always be short, fifteen to tuxnity minutes being the outside limit, and a shorter time often sufficing. Even should the conversation become very animated, do not prolong your stay beyond this period. It is far better that your friends should regret your vithdrawal than long for your absence. A lull in the conversation, a rising from her seat, or some pretext on the part of the hostess, or the arrival of a guest, all give an opportunity for leave- taking which should be made use of at once. The Art of Leaving. Cultivate the art of leaving ; nothing will contribute more to your social success. It is said of so brilliant a woman as Madame de Stacl 70 VISITING CUSTOMS. that she failed lamentably in this particular, and, on the occasion of her visit to Weimar, made with the avowed intention of intellectually captivating the literary lions of the age, Goethe and Schiller, she made one fatal mistake, she stayed too long ! Goethe wrote to Schiller: *' Madame dc Stael is a bright, entertaining person, but she ought to know when it is time to go ! " It is also evident from her own statement that she did not know Jiozv to go. She lingered after she hatl started, and if this were an unpardonable sin on the part of so marvelous a woman, it is surely a capital crime on the part of ordinary mortals. The art of leaving is more thoroughly understood by men than by women. The necessities of business life teach the value of time, and the press and hurry of city circles teach them the art of leaving ?,uickly, so that a social call on the part of a business man is a model 3f good manners. When he has "had his siy" and politely listened to yours, he takes his hat, says "good day," and is gone from your presence without giving opportunity for those tedious commonplaces of mutual invitations and promises to come again which seem a social formula with so many women. When Ready to Leave, Go at Once. Never say, "I must go," but, when you have finished your visit and rise to depart, go ! Never permit yourself to be drawn into touch- ing upon any subject at this critical moment that will necessitate lengthy discourse for yourself and hostess, or force upon you the awkward alternative of reseating yourself to finish the conversation. There is always a certain awkwardness in thus repeating the ceremony of leave-taking which may be avoided by a quick and graceful depar- ture that leaves both host and guest with feelings of the utmost amiability toward one another. On the other side it is necessary that the host and hostess supple- ment this laudable endeavor on the part of their guests in order that the departure may be gracefully accomplished. Never detain the visitor, who is attempting to leave, by protests, by inquiries, or by the VISITIXG CUSTOMS. 71 introduction of new subjects. One writer very pertinently says : "The art of leaving on the part of the guest needs to be supplemented by the art of letting go on the part of the host." First Calls. There is, possibh', more difference of opinion on the subject o{ zvho shall make the first visit or call and wJun it shall be made, than almost any other point of ctic^uette. At the same time more importance is attached to it than to almost any other social question, and it touches more uniformly every phase of city or country life than any other canon of courtesy. Neither neighborliness, nor good-Samaritan feeling, can exist with- out the civility of a call, and, when there is too great a hesitancy on .1 e part of a resitlent to call upon the newcomer, one is reminded LMther of the priest or the Levite as they "passed by upon the other >ide," or is forced to recall the parvenue's dread of losing a footing in social circles. Common sense and kindliness of heart are always to be relied upon in matters of this nature, and the -nitiatlve may safely be taken by those who have social position, age, or length of residence on their side. Of course in large cities the immense demands of social life give a certain immunity from anything like promiscuous calling to those whose circle of acquaintance has already grown beyond the limits of their time. In towns and villages, however, no such immu- nity exists, and a call may be easily made, or a card left, while, on the other hand, should the new accjuaintance prove "pushing," or in any way obnoxious, one simply ceases to leave one's cards and the evil is done away with. Many elderly ladies, and others whose time is very much occupied Dy social or other duties, excuse themselves from calling customs. Under such circumstances, they frequently send their cards, accom- panied by an invitation, to newcomers younger in years, thus entirely omitting the personal visit. Such invitations, whether accepted or not, should be iionored in the same manner as if preceded by a call. 72 VISITING CUSTOMS. If two people meet pleasantly at a friend's house and wi'sh to con- tinue the acquaintance so begun, let them not hesitate, shouUl none of the before-mentioned distinctions exist, as to which should make tlie first visit. Still, it is ofttimcs wise not to call too hastily upon the newcomer, especially in- cities, where it is well first to be properly introduced, and further still to have some assurance tliat your ac- (juaintance is desired by them as well. As before stated, priority of residence, age, or pre-eminence in social position, should properly be upon the side of the one making the first iidvances. If none of these exist, let the braver of the two break the social ice. The etiquette of summer resorts demands that the owners of cot- tages call first upon renters, and afterward that both unite in calling UDon later comers and arrivals at hotels or boarding houses. Of course, such intercourse is simply for the pleasure of the time being, and carries with it no responsibility of recognition in the future, unless such recognition should be satisfactory to both parties. It would be well for the "summer girl" and the "sumnn^r young man" to remem- ber this canon whereby "society" guards the doors of its exclusive' ness, enjoy the "good that the gods give" and expect no more. Substitute for First Call. In continental countries, and in cosmopolitan Washington, new- comers make the first advances themselves, leaving cards with those whom they wish to number among their acquaintances. Every one returns these cards, and invatations flow in upon the aspirant for social honors. This custom, unfortunately, does not hold good any- wdiere else in this country, though a polite expedient is sometimes adopted by persons entering upon life in a new city. This consists in the newcomer sending out her cards for several reception days in a month. These may be accompanied, or not, by the card of some friend well known in social circles, if such she have, to serve as voucher. If not, she relies upon her own merits and sends out her cards unaccompanied. According to the varied authorities recom- mending this course of action^ those rudely ignoring this suggestion VISITING CUSTOMS. IS are few in number, and the lady is permitted at once to feel that she has commenced her social career. Morning and Evening Visits. Any visit made between the hours of twelve and six is to be looked upon as I. morning visit, though there is a little difference in various cities with regard to the exact time. Where one expects to touch upon reception hours, from three to five is usually a safe limit. In country towns or the small cities, from two to five are the usual hours for p;i\'ing visits. Evening visits should be made between the hours of eight and nine, and ordinarily should never extend in length beyond the hour of ten. Sunday Visits. Gentlemen are permitted to call upon lady friends, Sundays after church and Sunday evenings, business cares being their excuse for not availing themselves of the other days of the week. Of course, if there exists any known objection in the fmiily to Sunday visiting all their friends are bound to respect it. Reception Days. If a lady have a known reception day, callers are bound, in common politeness, to make their visits, as far as possible, upon that day. If this is not donj, either a card only should be left, or, if a personal visit is intended, particular instructions should be given to the servant to the effect that if " Mrs. Brown is otherwise enraged she is not to trouble herself to come down." For which thoughtfulness, " Mrs, Brown," if she be a busy woman, and troubled with many social cares, will cordially thank you. Unfortunately, it often happens that many of our friends have the same reception day, and one's own'" day " may conflict with that of one's nearest friend, so that, where the circle of acquaintance is large, much good nature, a few apologies and a great many cards are nec'^d Ko safely balance the social accounts. 74 VISITING CUSTOMS. It is considered a rudeness to simply leave a card, when one hap- ens to arrive upon a lady's reception day, without entering the room .or a few moments' visit. "Not at Home," "Engaged." The simple and necessary formuht of, " Not at home," or " En- gaj^ed," are more frequently questioned than any other social custom. Nevertheless their use is often a necessit\', while, on the contrary, theii abuse is to be regretted. No suspicion of an untruth need apply to either, for the phrase, " Not at home," is used with the accepted signification of, "Not at home, for the time being, to any visitors," If, however, conscience rebels against this so transparent fraud, there is always the alternative of " Engaged," which carries not the least suspicion of deception with it, but is somewhat less gracious to the car. Indeed, were it not for these safeguards, the woman of societ)' must bid good-by to all opportunities for solitude, self-improvement, or the fulfillment of her owii social duties. The servant should be \'er\' carefullv instructed each morninLT as to the formula,' to be employed through the day, or such portion of the day as the lady of the house shitl require to herself. No lady, after a servant has informed her that the mistress of the house is " not at home," will question as to her whereabouts, or the probable length of her absence. If she should so far forget her dignity, the well-trained servant will answer all inquiries with a respectful, " I do not know, Madame," adding, if such be the case, *' Mrs Brown receives on Thursdays." Should a servant show evident hesitation upon receiving your card, and say, "I will see if Mrs. Brown is in," enter the parlor, at the same time saying, " If Mrs. Brown is otherwise engaged, or going out, begf her not to trouble herself." Never, except upon urgent necessity, insist upon pencilling a word or two upon a visiting card and sending it up, where a lady is •'engaged," as a demand upon her attention. If a servant has said VISITING CUSTOMS. 75 the lady is "not at home," she has a perfect right to refuse the message. In suburban towns and small cities, where reception days are not common, the lady of the house must be very careful how and when she denies herself to visitors. Intleed, in all cases much discrimination must be shown in this respect, as great inconvenience may result, and some injustice bo done, by an indiscriminate denial. But, as before said, in towns, it is better, if possible, to receive guests. Even if no servant is kept, the mistress can usually, by the exercise of a little care, keej) herself neat and presentable. If at any time some slight alterations are necessary to the toilet, let the interval thus employed be very short. Some one has said that it would be well for a lady having a recep- tion day to devote a part of the morning of the same day to business '-.alls, and to instruct her servants to inform all comers of this custom. Visiting List. It is well for all ladies having a large list of acquaintances to keep a carefully revised visiting list to assist their memories as to addresses, names of persons to invite, reception days of acquaintances, and, if possible, a list of their own ceremonious visits for the season, noting those that have been returned. The time thus expended is amply repaid by the convenience of reference and the avoidance of the pos- sibility of making a second visit when the first is unreturned. Also this list serves as a basis for the visiting list of the next season ; those having failed to return calls or cards being dropped from the new list. Visits Between Ladies and Gentlemen. A gentleman, as a rule, should not ask a lady for permission to call upon her. It is very easy for her, if she desires his company, to say : "I receive Thursdays," or, "I shall be at home Monday." It is a great discourtesy for a gentleman not to call at the time mentioned, or in a very few days, after being thus invited by a lady. Some gentle- men, if simply asked to "call sornetime/' will ask, "when may I hav^ 76 VISITING CUSTOMS. the pleasure of seeing you?" To this question a definite answer should be returned, if possible. Very young ladies do not thus invite gentlemen; the invitation coming from either father, mother, or chaperon. A gentleman does not call upon a lady without some intimation of her wishes in the matter, unless he is the bearer of a letter of intro- duction, or is taken to lur home by some friend siifficiently well acquainted to warrant the liberty. He ma)', however, seek an intro- duction through some mutual acquaintance. Ladies may express regret at being out when a gentleman called ; he also should regret the absence. If it should happen that a gentle- man should call several times in succession and be so unfortunate as to miss the lady each time, it would be quite proper foi her to write liim a note, regretting her absence and appointing an evening when she would be at home for his next call. This would remove any feeling of annoyance on his part that perhaps her absence had been premeditated. Gentlemen frequently call upon their married lady friends, doing so without the slightest appearance of secrecy and with full knowledge of all parties concerned. Indeed, the right of entrance to some of these pleasant home parlors is a great boon to the unmarried men of our cities. Ladies do not call upon gentlemen except professionally or officially, or, it may be, in some cases of protracted invalidism. "Out of Society." It sometimes happens that a newly-married lady, or a newcomer in some city, through severe illness, a season of mourning, or devotion to home duties, finds herself, in a year or so, completely "out" of a society with which she had scarcely become acquainted. If she be timid and non-assertive, she will sink back dismayed at the prospect, but if energetic and aspiring, she will at once win her way back by giving a series of receptions, either formal or informal, to all her old^ time friends; or, by entering into charities, or joining literary or musical clubs, she will quickly reinstate herself in the memory of society. VISITINc; CUSTOMS. 7? Conduct of the Hostess. A hostess docs not necessarily advance to receive her guests, simply rising and moving forward a step in order to shake hands (if she should so wish), remaining standing till they are seated, and, if pos- sible, keeping the latest comer near her side. Gentlemen should always permit the lady to make the first advance in the matter of hand-shaking. It is her prerogative. As the guests depart, the hostess does not accomp^my each one to the door, but rising, remains standing until the guests have quite left the room, when it is to be supposed they will be met by a servant. In country towns the hostess usually accompanies the guest to the door, if there are others present, excu ing herself to them and remaining out of the room but a moment. Entertaining Callers. Where there are several guests in the room at once the hostess should try to make the conversation general and pay equal attention to all, save that for a few moments, the latest arriv^al engages her more intimatel)-, or some guest of great intellectual or artistic genius may be honored among the rest, as a lion of the hour. If }'ou should chance to find, at once, in your reception room, two friends with whom you are upon equal terms of intimac}', treat them with the most absolute impartiality, being demonstrative toward neither, for there is too much truth in the saying that "there is always a feeling of jealousy on the part of each, that another should share your thoughts and feelings to the same extent as themselves," There are other occasions where the same care against wounding their feel- ings should be observed. If there should be any preference with regard to seats, one sug- gestion is that a lady should be seated on a couch or sofa, unless advanced in years, when she should be asked to accept an easy chair ; an elderly gentleman should be treated in the same manner. If a young lady should be occupying a particularly comfortable seat, she must at once arise and offer it to an older lady entering the room. 7ft VISITING CUSTOMS. Should the hostess, upon the arru^il of occasional visitors, twd engaged upon Avork requiring any attention, she must at once rehn^ quish it ; but should it be light, ornamental, and not at all confining, she may continue it, if so requested. It would be well, however, to drop it at intervals, lest it appear as if there were more interest in the work than the visitor. Refreshments are not offered to visitors unless it is a regular recep- tion day with afternoon tea. Conduct of the Guests. If a visitor on entering the room finds that name or face has not been rer-rs. In v^ery fashionable houses a servant announces the name of each guest as they enter, thus saving any confusion. Should you find yourself ushered into a room where there are several inmates, all strangers, ask for the individual you wish to see and introduce yourself distinctl)'. If your friend is at a hotel, wait in the parlor until the servant wha carries up your card has returned to tell you whether you can be admitted. Never follow him as he goes to make the announcement. A little formality is the best preservative of friendship. If, while you are paying a visit, other guests arrive, you should, providing your stay has been sufficiently long, arise so soon as they are quietly seated, make your adieus to your hostess, bow politely to the other inmates of the room and take your departure. If you should be calling upon a lady and meet a lady visitor in her drawing room, you should rise when that lady takes her leave. The style of coiiversation should always be in keeping with the cir- cumstances under which the visit is made. Common sense alone should teach us that where a short morning call is in question, light, witty and quickly- changed subjects only should be entered upon^ the nature of the case plainly prohibiting discussions on many topics. VISITING CLsrOxMS. 79 Gentlemen arc expected not to use classical quotations before ladies without a slight apolo<(y and a translation, unless they are aware that the lady's educational training has made it possible for her to appre^ ciate them. It would be well if they would use the same courtesy toward other men not gifted like themselves. For a general maxim, it may be here recommended not to air one's classical learning un- necessarily, lest it savor of pedantry. Guests should greet their hostess cordially, but a bow is usually sufficient to include the others present. Young ladies visiting a strange city should not receive calls from a gentleman without requesting the privilege from their hostess, and hostess and daughters should be introduced to him. Always avoid the slightest appearance of seeming to use )'our friend's house for a rendezvous. Deference to Ladies. A gentleman rises when ladies leave the room. Ladies bow if it is a gentleman, rising if it is a lady acquaintance, or a lady much oUki tiian themselves. A gentleman rises when ladies enter a room, bui never offers them his chair unless there should be no other in the room. A gentleman carries his hat and cane into the drawing room with him in making a visit. His hostess should no more offer to relieve him of them that she would take fni and handkerchief from the hands of her lady guests. If he wears an outer coat he leaves that in the hall; if there should be no hall the hostess may ask him to put it on a chair or in another room. His hat and cane he either holds if he chooses, or places beside him on the floor, never on a chair or other article of furniture. If he intends spending the evening, he can, if he choose, leave hat and cane in the hall. Gentlemen should never bring friends with them to call upon ladies urless they have first received permission from them so to do. I After escorting a lady on the previous evening the gentleman should make a call upon her the following day, if possible. Gentlemen should not consult their watches during a ceremonious visit. If son>« 80 VISITING CUSTOMS. pressing engagement should render this necessary, they should offer both an apology and an explanation. A gentleman, unless invited, should never seat himself beside his hostess, but should take the chair pointed out to him. Gentlemen, in receiving other gentlemen, go to the door to meet them and furnish them with seats. The man of the house should escort ladies to their carriage, should they call while he is at home. If it be raining or otherwise disagree- able, and they have their own coachman, they should, however, beg him not to trouble himself. Gentlemen should decline an invitation to spend the evening when making a first visit ; indeed, such an invitation should never be given. A man is usually asked to repeat his visit by the mistress of the house, not by the daughters, or else it is given by their chaperon. What Not to Do. Do not, according to the author of " Don't," be in haste to seat yourself; one appears fully as well and talks better, standing for a few moments. A man should always remain standing as long as there are any women standing in the room. A man should never take any article from a woman's hands — book, cup, flower, etc. — and remain seated, she standing. This rule is an imperative one ; he must always rise to receive it. Do not take young children when making formal calls ; the hostess will be in terror as to the fate of her bric-a-brac, and the mother in dread as to what her }-oung hopefuls may say or do. Do not take pet dogs with you into the drawing room. Their feet may be dusty, they may be boisterous in expressing their feelings, and besides, some people have a perfect aversion to dogs, so that your visit, thus accompanied, is likely to be far from pleasant. Do not meddle with, nor stare at the articles in the room. Do not toss over the cards in the card receiver, if there be one, ana, while your name is being announced, do not wander impatiently around the room handling everything within reach. VISITING CUSTOMS. 81 Do not loll about in your chair, if a ijcntlcman (a lady scarcely needs this caution), keep your feet squarely in front of you, not cross- ing them ; ladies would do well to heed this also. Do not torment pet dogs or cats, or tease the children. Do not call the length of the room if you wish to address any one, but cross the room and speak to him quietly. Neither should you whisper to some one of the com- pany, twist or curl your thumbs or hands, or play with the tassels on the furniture or window curtains, or commit any of the thousand and one blunders that mark the underbred and nervous visitor and render his presence an unwelcome trial. There are a few other rules that would seem unnecessary to men- tion here were it not that they are so constantly sinned against. Among others it may be suggested not to do anything disigreeble in company. Do not scratch the head or use a toothpick, earspoon or comb ; these are for the privacy of your own apartment. Use a handkerchief whenev^er necessary, but without glancing at it after- wards, and be quiet and unobtrusive in the action as possible. Do not slam the door, do not tilt your chair back to the loosening of its joints, do not lean your head against the wall, as it will soil the paper- iuLT; in short, do unto others as vou would be done hv. Do not tell long stories, more especially if they are about yourself; do not iirgue ; do not talk scandal, and be sure not to attack the religious beliefs of any one present. Do study the chapter on the "Art of Conversation," and cultivate, as much as possible, that self- repose of manner that is, above all things, a sign of the lady or gentleman. The Reception-Room. T'.e arrangement of the reception-room itself has much to do with the pleasure of the visitor. Who does not remember those delightful parlors where the guests dropped into pleasant convesational groups as by magic, and contrast them mentally with those other chilly apartments where a sort of mental frost seems to settle over one's faculties and incapacitate them for use. Much of this may be avoided by a judicious arrangement of chairs and couches, just where S2 visri'ixo cus'i'OxMS. people drop naturally into easy groups, or, for the time being, suf- round their hostess. Propinquity is a great incentive to pleasant conversation, for there are few people that can talk the pretty nothings and sparkling witti- cisms, whereof parlor conversation properly consists, across space to people stranded against the opposite wall. Therefore let the hostess, who would have her symposiums remembered with delight, see to it that she has an abundance of chairs, both easy and light, easy ones for the refreshment of the weary in body and light ones that may be quickly moved when the spirit moves toward some other group. A clever woman, to whom all social arts were long-solved problems, once said that she alwa}'s observed how the chairs were left in a drawing room where sev'eral people had been sitting and put them in the same position next time. A group near the door where tb'=' casual caller will naturally drop into one and the hostess into anotha without the least effort, will b'^ placed in the best possible position for a little chat. Fulfill these conditions and your drawing room will be often filled and the fame of it will go abroad. Formal calls, as a rule, are at best but a duty performed that brings a satisfaction in itself, but it sometimes happens that, as a reward for our well-doing, some word may lie said, some friend may be met by a happy chance that is like a gleam of sunshine on a cloudy day. (govern our best society THERE arc certain rules to be obs. rved in the writing of invitations that can- not be transgressed without incurring a just suspicion as to the degree of one's acquaintance witli the laws and canons that For instance. Mrs. John Doe issues invita- tions for a ball or evening party ; these, if issued in her own name or in the name of herself and daughter, or lady friend, would, very properly, find them "at home" on a certain evening. Should, how- ex or, the invitations be sent out in the name of herself and husband, then it is that " Mr. and Mrs. John Doe request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Richard Roe's company" at a certain date. We will also fincJ that Mr. Dick Roe is never "at hon^c " but " requests the pleasure of your company." To widely depart ti-om any of these received canons of etiquette is to commit a decided solecism and to discov^er an utter unfitness for the desired social rank. Fortunately, there is no need, even for those not to the manor born, of displaying any ignorance in this matter when the simple consultation of a standard work on social etiquette will give the needed information and save the credit of the individual. At first sight, it would seem a very easy thing to invite a friend to come to you at a given day and hour, and to accept or declir^ said invitation would appear a matter scarcely worth considering. This rash conclusion, however, disappears from view when it is recollected that the proper phrasing, the suitable signature, and the appropriate ^i INVITATIONS, FORxMAI. AND INFORMAL. paper, arc all matters of the nicest choice, and indicate with the most unerring accuracy the good or ill breeding of the parties interested. From two to three persons only are invited from one family to the same entertainment, and, in the event of a small dinner party, two would be the limit. The invitations would be addressed, not to Mr. Coates and family, but one to " 'Sir. and Mrs. Coates," ;inother to "The Misses Coates," or to "Miss Coates." If there are brothers, and they are to be invited, a separate invitation is required for each one of them; a sinsrle one addressed to the " ^Messrs. Coates" beinsjf considered in bad taste. To one son and one dautrhter a ioint invita- tion may be extended in the name of "Miss Coates and Brother." On rather informal occasions where the family, and perhaps their guests also, are desired to be present, the invitation may be sent in the name of " Mr. and Mrs. James B. Coates and Party." Note Paper for Invitations. Note paper for invitations should be plain, unruled, heavy in texture, creamy-white in tint, and of a size to fold once to fit the large, r juare envelope of the sr.me size and tint. Monogram, if used, or crests, if they may be rightfully claimed, should be stamped or embossed in white directly in the center of the upper portion of the sheet and on the upper flap of the inner envelope only. This envelope should bear the name simpl}' of the invited guest, and is to be enclosed in a per- fectly plain, somewhat larger envelope, which bears the entire address and protects the enclosure from the soil of frequent handling by post- man or messenger. Invitation Cards. Invitation cards, if they arc used, should be heavy, creamy-white, and of a size to fit the large, square envelope. Such a card is suffi- ciently large to contain any ordinary invitation, and should be enclosed, as above, in two envelopes. Writing the invitation should receive the greatest care, especial attention being given to securing each phrase a line to itself. For instance, the names of host and hostess should never be separated. INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. 85 but i^ivcn an entire line, tlie same rule applying to the npmes of the invited guests. Invitations written in the third pcison should always be replied to in the tliird person, care being taken to permit no change of person from beginning to end of the note. This rule holds good in whatever person the invitation mnv have been written ; regrets or acceptances must be sent in the same manner. Xo one, nowadaj's, "presents his (or her) compliments" in giving or accepting an in\'itation ; neither is "your polite invitation" any longer the best form. " Your kind," or "your very kind invitation," being the most graceful manner of acknowledging the courtesy extended. Written Regrets. Always, if possible, accept a first invitation if the new acquaintance is to be kept up. In case inexorable circumstances prevent this acceptance, the regret sent shouUl explain these circumstances fully and be \'ery cordiidly written ; while the earliest opportunity must be taken of extending some courtesy in return. Even should you not desire the acquaintance, your regrets should be courteous and cards should be left at the house in response to their ci\'ility. It is then at your own option whether or not to acknowledge the acquaintance farther. Invitations can be written or engrav^ed on the large cards, or small sheets of note paper, that are used for this purpose, though, on all formal occasions, engraved forms in clear, fine script are preferable, and for weddings absolutely necessary. If written, black ink should be invariably used. A young lady never sends out invitations in her own name; instead, " Mrs. and Miss Hoyt " are " at home," or the name of the youiig lady's chaperon appears with her own, as: " Mrs. Haviland and Miss Hoyt, at home, etc." Uninvited Guests. Should it so happen that an uninvited guest finds, accidentally, his vay into the festivities, let the strictest politeness mark his reception^ 86 INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. neither word nor glance betraying the slightest surprise at the unex- pected arrival. Inviting Married People. A married man should never be invited to an entertainment without his wife, nor a married woman without including her husband also in the invitation. An invitation erring in this particular should be looked upon as an insult, and should never be honored by an acceptance. This category, however, does not include gatherings, such as ladies' luncheons or gentlemen's game suppers, that are wholly confined to the members of one sex. Dinners. Ladies who give many dinner parties usually keep on hand the engraved invitation cards, with blanks left for the insertion of name and date. The invitation for a dinner party is always sent out in the ivame of both host and hostess, and the usual fonn is as follows : rr,^r/ ^(V/ff^ J£ir,,^/ Qf, '/^er/eteJi //le // leaJef ie T%Jid. J^i^/i^^i /je^Ul€)^e^j i^-'i^/ie^ Quadrilles at ten. If the ball is at a public place, as at Dclmonico's, in New York, the following form is appropriate, always making use, in case of so public an entertainment, of the host's name in connection with that of the hostess : '(a. II- e^tte^it^tr/', (^ecej-j^v-ei. /u^e^u^^t^, Delmonico' s. imaTATIONS, FORMAT- AND INFORMAL. Another form that would be equally appropriate is as follows German at nine. R- S- ^ • P- If any of these occasions are intended to introduce a debutante, hei card may be enclosed. If they are f^iven in honor of a friend, or some celebrated individual, the following form is appropriate : y//u. j2^€J^ly- (^^/r.rrrjifteic:::^ 684 West 49th Street. ^. S. V. P. iNvrrATioxs, formal and informal. 93 Or, if very formal, the name of the guest may be given first, as : To meet the Chief Justice of the United States and Mrs. Fuller. Mrs. Harold Courtright, At Home, from eight to eleven o'clock, Thursday, February seventh. R. S. H P, This same precedence may be given to the name of an honored guest in a dinner or other invitation. Still another form is where the name of the guest is written on a separate card, thus : To meet Mrs, Summerville. Enclose this in the same envelope. For a club party tlie following may be used : The La S.-vlle Clui; requests the pleasure of your attendance Wednesday evening, June eight, at nine o'clock. 555 West 51st Street, R. S. V. P. A still more simple form for a party invitation is an "At Home" card filled out thus : ■Mrs. Don Carlos Porter, At Home, Tuesday evening, ^Lirch fourth. I03i Broadway. Cotillion at ten. A'. .S". V. P. Masquerades. Tb/^ entire invitation for a masquerade may be engraved, or it may be written, with the exception of the word "Masquerade," which should be engraved on the card. For example : It )asa ucpade. R. S. I. P. J J East Thirtieth Street. &4 INVitAtlONS, FORMAL AXt) INFORMAL. Musicales, Soirees and Matinees. Invitations to a Musicale are simply written on "At Home" cards, thus : Music at half-past three. Or: Mrs. P. V. VanV'echton, At Home, Tuesday afternoon, April second, from half-past three to five o'clock. Matinie Jfiisica/i. If the Ivlusicale is t(i be an evening affiiir, and dancing is to follow the music, the following form of invitation may be used : Mrs. HERbERT Hughes, At Home, Friday evening, January tenth, at eight o'clock. 200 Winchester Avenue. Music. Dancing at ten. Precisely the same form is to be used in giving out invitations for a soiree, save that the word "■soiree'' is substituted for that of '' Musi- cale" or "matinee miisieale." It may be farther added that the term '^matinee'" applies exclusively to entertainments given in the morning, or at any time before dinner, a distinction to which our custom of late dinners gives a wide latitude, so that any entertainment up to eight o'clock in the evening may receive the name of matinee, notwithstand- ing the fact that drawn curtains and gas-lighted rooms may give all the semblance of night-time. ** Soiree " however, is used only where an evening party of a semi-informal character is denoted. INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. »?> Garden Parties. Precisely the same form of "At Home" cards can be used for these entertainments, substitutini^ the words "'Garden Party" in the left hand corner and sending them out some two or three days in advance. Or, if a more formal affair is intended, use the following : Mrs. Waitf Talcott requests the pleasure of the company of Mr. and Mrs John Clav, on Monday, / -gust fifth, at four o'clock. Garden Party. "The Oaks." If it should be desirable to include the entire family in the invita- tion, the wording would be as follows : ^ ^-rfA." Garden Party. R, S. V. P. Carriages will meet the j.40 train from Union Depot. This clause to be added only when the party is to be given at sonu distance from the station. If preferred, these directions may be written on a separate small card and enclosed in the same envelope. In this country we are not so accustomed to giving garden parties as people are in England, but a garden party may easily be made ont of the most inviting and enjoyable of any. 06 iNvrrATioxs, formal and informal. Breakfasts, Luncheons and Suppers. Breakfast invitations may be engraved or written upon a lady's visiting card, thus : 7/ 7~^ . >.J^^ / y^" .C_>7 V' /' /ry,\^ (^fj >er{/iyrfl /. /, fr/j/fJr/r/ y , rr/ /(J/ <^ r/fr/f. O 34 ( rrrAy ^^^:e /irff.^z:^ A written invitation is usualK' in the first person, and should read somewhat as follows : Dear Mrs. Oracie: I should be pleased to have the company of you and your husbarnl at breakfast with us, Wednesday morning at ten o'clock. Cordially yours, Mrs. George Horton. Gertrude Horton. The inx'itations should be sent out a week or five days in advance, and should be r.nswered at once. Luncheons, in this country, are very apt to possess much of the formality of a dinner, and are written or engraved, according to the degree of stateliness that is to mark the occasion. Ver)' formal invi- tations are sent out ten days or two weeks in advance, and are couched in precisely the same terms as a dinner invitation, save that the word "Luncheon" is substituted for " Dinner." Written invitations, also, INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. 97 follow the same plan as those written for dinners, and are not usually issued more than a week or five days in advance. Some ladies use their visiting card, thus : Mrs. Frank K. Wentworth. Luncheon, Wednesday, at one o'clock. A later hour, say two o'clock, is usually adopted for a more formal affair. Replies should be sent at once that the hostess may be enabled to make up her table. Teas and "Kettledrums." Teas and "Kettledrums," High Tea and Afternoon Receptions, have come to bear a strong resemblance one to another, in fact to infringe so much upon the same territory that it is very difficult at times to distinguish between them sufficiently to apply the appropriate n;une. A simple affair is announced thus by those ladies who have a regular reception day : Mrs. John St. John. Thursdays, Tea at five o'clock. 40 West 49th Street. Or : Mrs. John St. John. Five o'clock tea. Thursday, February fifth. 40 West 49th Street. The words "kettledrum" or "afternoon tea" are not to be used, and these cards may be sent by mail, enclosed in a single envelope. They require no answer. Where the lady has not a regular reception day and wishes to give an afternoon tea, an engraved card, like the following, is usually sent out : Mrs. Arthur Merrhx. Miss Mer- rill. Monday, February third, from four to seven o'clock. 274 Chestnut Street. In case of the hostess having no one to receive with her, her name would appear alone upon the card. The name of any friend may take the place of a daughter's. Such an entertainment partakes more of the nature of an afternoon reception, or higli tea. It may be adapted also to other occasions, such as the introduction to one's friends of a guest who is to make a prolonged stay, as tor instance : Mrs. Arthur Merrill, At Home, Monday, December seventh, from one until seven o'clock. To meet Mrs. Frances Elmer. 55 Vine Street. Invitations like this and the one just above are to be enclosed in 7 dd INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. two envelopes, same as for dinners and sent out ten days or two weeks in advanee. Kaffee Klatsch. This furnishes very much the same class of entertainment that is to be found at an afternoon tea, save that coffee is the predominating beverage. The invitation is precisely the same as for teas, simply sub- stituting the words " Kaffee Klatsch." Suppers. For the evening supper, invitations are issued in some cne of th'? forms presented for dinner parties, substituting the word " Supper." Answers should be returned at once. Coming-out Parties. These special festivities may take almost any form, so that the presentation of the blushing debutante may be at a dinner, ball, recep- tion, evening party or afternoon tea ; which latter custom has become very frequent of late. So much is this the case that it is somewhat tc be reprehended as rendering afternoon teas too ceremonious in char- acter. There is this in its favor, however ; it relieves young girls from the strain incident upon a large party or ball. In some cases, the invitations preserve their usual form (whatever that may be) and the card of the debutante is enclosed in the same envelope. Even this distinction is sometimes wanting. Again, in the case of "At Homes " and " Teas," the name of the young lady is engraved beneath that of her mother : if it is the eldest daughter, the form w^ould be : Mrs. Arthur Holt. Miss Holt. A younger daughter, under the same circumstances, would pose as : Miss Edith May Holt. Such cards do not need a reply, but the guest will remember to leave cards in the hall for the debutante as wcW as her mother or chaperon. It may be said here that, should it for any reason occur that the young lady is " brought out " under the wing of some friend instead of under her mother's care, the relative position their names INVITATlOxVS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. dd will occupy on the cards is precisely the same, as : Mrs. D. G. Havi- LANi). Miss Holt. A more formal presentation would be in the style of an engraved note sheet : v/(f //^■ ( ^///rf // , •a .O 28 St. Caroline'' s Court. R. s. r. r This invitation, of course, implies a large evening party, reception or ball, and should be sent out ten days or two weeks in advance of the event. Receptions. Informal receptions and full-dress occasions of the same kind are announced somewhat differently. In the first case the affair partakes so closely of the nature of an afternoon tea that the same form of invitation is used : Mrs. Howard Post, At Home, Tuesday, October second, from four to seven. If a series of receptions arc planned the form would be : Mrs. Howard Post, At Home, Tuesdays in November, from four to six o'clock. 100 INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. Full-dress receptions arc frequently given both afternoon and evening, sometimes in the evening only. Invitations to these should be engraved on square cards or note sheets, and sent out two weeks previous to the reception day. A very good form is : rrr JhiPao' Strrrt. R. S. \'. P If a daughter <^r a friend is to assist in receiving, tlu; invitation should include her name also : IVIks. Jerome Hastings, Miss Hast- ings, At Home, Thursday, November twelfth, from five until ten o'clock. 7 1 1 DuPage Street. When the reception is given by a gentleman, and its object is to enable his friends to meet some distinguished guest, the following form is used : Mr. Howard Post requests the pleasure of the com- pany of Mr, Alonzo Metcalf to meet General E. L. Bates. Union Lcagvic Club. lOO Cedar Street. R. S. V. P. Though some prefer placing the name of the honored guest first, according to the form given under dinner invitations. The answer should be : Mr. Alonzo Metcalf accepts with pleasure Mr. Howard Post's kind invi- tation to meet General E. L. Bates. INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. 101 Weddings. Wedding invitations arc issued two weeks in advance, sometimes earlier to friends at a distance, in order that they may lay their plans accordingly. They are engraved in fine script on small sheets of cream note, and the form most used for church weddings is as follows : j'/y ^2- <'^ tce^f-fiff ff , Jffjit Still another form would give the daughter's name as " Miss Guen- dolen Earle." There may or may not be a monogram on the sheet of paper, but, if used there, one to correspond must be placed on the inner envelope also. The envelope, however, may be stamped with a monogram and 102 INVri'ATiUNS, PORMAL AND INFORMAL. the paper left plain, this latter style bcinfj much in favor. Where the wedding is in church, it is usually followed by an after-reception, cards for which are engraved in some similar form to the following : Recep- tion from one until three o'clock, 107 Washington Street. Or: At Home after the ceremony. 107 Washington Street. A still more ceremonious invitation to the reception may be issued in the i)arents' name, and in the usual form of similar invitations, as : Mr. and I\Iks. Richard I'^aklf. request the pleasure of your com- pany at the wedding reception of their daughter, Guendolen, and ]\Ik. ]v;nERT Rav Cranston, Tuesday evening, June eighteenth, 1895, from nine to eleven o'clock. 107 Washington Street. If there is reason to believe that the church will be crowded with uninvited guests, admission cards are engraved as follows : Christ Church. Please present this card to the usher. Tuesday, June eighteenth. How Invitations are Sent. Several of these cards are usually enclosed for distribution to friends of the invited and for the use of servants that have accompanied guests to the church. This custom is hardly necessary in country towns. All of the cards and the invitation are enclosed in one envelope superscribed with the name only of the person invited, and re-inclosed in another envelope bearing the full address. All formal invitations are to be enclosed in the two envelopes as above ; less stately affairs requiring but one envelope ; send by mail. In Englmd, wedding invitations are issued in the name of the mother of the bride only ; here custom sanctions the use of the father's name as well. If the invitation is issued in the name of some other relative, then the word "granddaughter," "niece," etc., should be substituted for that of " daughter." If the future home of the young couple is decided upon, "At Home" cards also should be enclosed for all the invited guests that the bride desires to retain upon her visiting list. The following form is appropriate : Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Rav' Cranston, At Home, Thursdays in September, from four until six o'clock. 48 Washington Street. INVrrATlUNS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. 103 Or, in place of tlcsifrnatinff especial days, it may read : Mr. and Mrs. Egmert Rav Cranston, At Home, after September first. 48 \Vashin<^ton Street. Where the list of acquaintances is very larj^^e it sometimes happens that a portion of the guests are invited to the church only. When this is the case the reception card is omitted from the envelope ; but if a visiting acquaintance is to be maintained, "At Home" cards must be enclosed. Wedding Invitations. The home wedding is, perhaps, less stately in appearance, but, involving as it does, less care on the part of friends and less nervous strain on that of the bride, is frequently adopted. The invitations are precisely the same as for a church wedding, merely inserting street and number in place of designating the church, omitting, of course, the card of admittance and that for reception. The "At Home " card of the newly-married couple should always be enclosed lest doubt as to their new address prove perplexing to their friends. Sometimes, where life is to be commenced in their own home, the wedded pair, soon after their establishment therein, send out "At Home " cards for a few evenings after this style : Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Rav Cranston, At Home, Tuesday evenings in September, from eight to eleven o'clock. 48 Washington Street. Gatherings such as these partake of the nature of semi-formal receptions and present a delightful opportunity for welcoming friends to the new home, and at same time arranging a visiting list for the season, no one receiving a card to these entertainments that is not to be honored with a place thereon. These invitations are to be sent out after the return from the bridal tour, and, when thus used, the first-given "At Home" card is omitted in sending out the wedding invitation. If the wedding is to be a morning affair from the church, followed by a breakfast, the first given invitation is issued and the following engraved card enclosed in the same envelope : Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle request the pleasure of your company at breakfast, Tuesday, June twentieth, at half past twelve o'clock. 107 Washington Street. 104 INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. "At Home" cards and cards to the church should be enclosed as before. The time should be carefully arranged so that not more than half an hour is allowed to elapse between the ceremony at the church and the reception or breakfast at the house. A home wedding with a breakfast simply sends out the ordinary wedding invitation, indicating the hour and giving the street and number. Sometimes, at a home wedding, it is desired that no one but rela- tives or very particular friends should be present at the ceremony. Under these circumstances the usual invitations are issued. Then, for the favored few, ceremony caids are enclosed, on which the words are engraved : Ceremony at half past eight. "At Home " cards may be enclosed as before. Wliere the wedding has been entirely private, the mother, or some other relative of the bride, frequently gives a reception upon the return home of the young couple, invitations to which are issued as follows : Mrs. Richard Earle, Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston. At Home, Wednesday, September first, from four to ten o'clock. 107 Washington Street. For an evening reception the form is a little different : Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle request the pleasure of your company, Thursday, September second, from nine to eleven o'clock. 107 Washington Street. Enclosing the card of Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston. Announcement Cards. Announcement cards, where the wedding has been strictly private, are sent out after the following style : Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle announce the marriage of their daughter, Guendolen, to Mr. Egbert Rav Cranston, Tuesday, November nineteenth, 1895. 107 Wash- ington Street. The before-given "At Home " cards may be enclosed, or the neces- sary information conveyed by having engraved in the lower left hand corner of the sheet of note paper : At Home, after December first, at 48 Washington Street. INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. lO:) Another form of announcement is also used : Egbert Ray Cran- ston. GuENDuLEN Karle. Married, Tuesday, November nineteentli, 1895. Binghamton. With this f(>rm use "At Home" cards, or enfrrave the street and number in the lower left hand corner of tiie announcement card. This form is permissible in any case, but is more frequently employed where there are neither parents nor relatives to send out the announcement. If the w^cddinjjj should have taken place durinj^ a season of family mourninLT or misfortune, the bridcLrroom himself issues the followiiv' announcement: INIr. and IVIrs. FxiBERT Rav Cranston, 48 Washing- ton Street. These cards arc large and square, and in the same envelope with them is enclosed a smaller card engraved with the maiden name of the bride : IVIiss Guendolen Karle. Wedding Anniversaries. /Mj. ■/S^O. //I. rrjin c^/'/^; €>JJ/f / dyv/ //eiiy' AfT)/ rrr/// / r- r/r-c/y. 263 East Thirteenth Street. In sending out invitations for the various anniversaries that pleas- antly diversify the years of a long w^edded life, the simplest form will 106 INVITATIONS, FORMAL AND INFORMAL. always be found in the best taste. There arc varied devices for rendering these invitations striking in effect, sucli as silvered and gilded cards for silver and golden weddings, thin wooden cards for the wooden wedding, etc., but good taste would indicate that none of these, not even gold and silver lettering (though this last is least objec- tionable of all), should be used. The large engraved "At Home" card, or tlic small sheet of heavy note paper, also engraved, are the most elegant. '' No Presents Received." The words, "No presents received," arc sometimes engraved in the lower left hand corner of the note sheet, or card. A much-to-be- admired custom, since the multiplicitx' of invitations requiring gifts, is, in more cases than one, burdensome to the recipient. Revise the Visiting List. Now, that it has become the custom to engage the services of an amanuensis to direct the invitations for a crush affair by the hundred, ,t would be well for every hostess to frequently revise her visiting list, in order that the relatives of lately deceased friends may not be pained by seeing the dear lost name included among the invitations of the family ; also, this care is necessary to remove the names of those who have recently departed from the city, and those whose acquaint- ance is no longer desired. GCEPJANCES ElTS fg^^/ /T^IIK essence of all ctiquc '^^y>^:M^ JL ^J*^' observance of the etiquette is to be found in spirit of the Golden Rule. Perhaps in no one point is the "do unto others as yc would that they should do unto you," more applicable than in the prompt acknowledgment of either a formal or a friendly invitation. This acknowledgment may be either denial or assent, but whatever the form, it is requisite that the prof- fered courtesy should be answered by a prompt and decisive accept- ance or refusal. This is a duty owed by an invited guest to his prospective liost or hostess and one th.it should never be neglected. Answering an Invitation. In accepting or declining an invitation close attention should be paid t(j the form in which it is written and the same style followed in the answer. For in.stance : shoukl the invitation be formal, the answer should preserve the same degree of formality ; while a friendly invitation in note form slu^uld meet with an acceptance or regret couched in the same terms. Another rule to be rigidly observed is, that the acceptance or refusal must be written in the same person that characterized the invitation. For instance : if '* Mr. antl Mrs. Algernon Smith request the pleasure of the company of Mr. and Mrs. Joseph lironson at dinner, etc.," with e([ual stateliness " Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Bronson accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Algernon .Smith." To do otherwise would imply ignorance of the very rudiments of social or grammatical rules. 107 108 ACCF.PTANCKS AM) RI<:GRETS. A friendly note of invitation, bcginninf^ somewhat after this fasliion: " Mr. Smith and I would be pleased to have you and Mr, Brown, etc.," would be accepted or declined in tlie same fishion and person, as : *' Mr. Brown and I accept with pleasure your kind invitation, etc." To answer such an invitation with a formal acceptance, or regret, written in the third person, as given above, woukl display profound ignorance of social customs. An acceptance or regret, written in the first person, receives the sifmature of the writer, but one written in the third person remains unsigned. To sign it would produce a confusion of persons and be unorammatical to the last degree. Another error to be avoided is that of beginning in this fashion : "I accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Jolm Jones," this also producing a change of person altogether inadmissible. Neither must one be betrayed into the mistake of using the words, " will accept," thus throwing the acceptance into the future tense, when, in reality, you c/o accept, in the present tense, at the moment of writing. Accepting a Dinner Invitation. Incumbent upon us as it is to answer tlie majority of our invitations in cither the affirmative or negative, there are degrees of necessit5 even here, for, sin as we may in all other particulars, there is an unwritten code like unto the laws of the IVIedes and Persians which declareth that the -invitations to a dinner are not to be lightly set aside. First, an invitation to a dinner is the highest social compliment that a host and hostess can pay to those invited, and, second, the guests are limited in number and painstakingly arranged in congenial couples by the careful hostess. Judge, then, of her disappointment, when, at the last moment, some delinquent sends in a hasty regret leaving little or no time to fill that terror of all dinner-givers, that skeleton at the feast, an empty chair. One such failure is sufficient to ruin the most carefully-arranged table and is an injury to host and hostess that only the occurrence of some unforeseen calamity can justify. ANSWERINC AX INVITATION. 109 110 ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS. In answcrlnf^ an invitation it is well to repeat the date, as : " Your kind invitation for Tuesday, May fifth." This will give an oppor- tunity, if any mistakes have been made in dates, to rectify them at once. This caution it would be well to observe in answerin 24 Abercrombic street. AVednesday. This form of refusal will be found suitable for all formal occasions, varying the name of the entertainnjent and the cause for non-accept- ance to suit the circumstances. Persons in Mourning. Invitations to those in mourning should be sent as a matter of course, except during the first few w'eeks of deep bereavement, when their sorrows are not to be intruded upon by the gayeties of the outer world. After this first season of sorrow, invitations, which neither custom nor their own feelings permit tlu;m to accept, should be sent, that they may know that they are not forgotten in their solitude. To these there is always given the privilege of declining all invita- tions without any specifietl cause therefor, their black-bordered sta- tionery showing all too plainly the sad reason that prompted their refusal. They should then send their cards (black-bordered) by mail enclosed in two envelopes. These will take the place of a personal call and should be the same in number. It may bo mentioned here WILL VOL' i:ntektal\ the company?' 112 A.CCEPTANCKS AND REGRETS. 11 Ji that while people in deep mournini; are not usually invited to dinners or luneheons, it is customary for them to receive invitations to all \veddin<;s and other social ^atherin^^s, and thf»ui^h they may not accept, still it is gratif>in<; for them to know that they are remem- bered in their seclusion. Addressing the Answer. The answer to an invitation should always be addressed to the person in whose name it is sent. If "Mr. and Mrs. Richard Roe request the pleasure," etc., address the answer to " Mr. and Mrs. Richard R(^e." If "Mrs. Richard Roe is At I lome" on a certain date, address the reply to her alone. In case of wedding invitations, address all answers to the parents of the bride, in whose name they are sent out, never to the bride, althouj^h she may be your only personal acquaintance in the fmiih', the ci\ilit\' beini^ due to the issuers of the invitation. This is customary in the case of all invitations. Wedding Invitations. Wedding invitations are usually thought to require no answer unless it be to a sit-down wedding breakfast. In this case the same exact- n ss in reply and the same form is demanded as for a dinner invitation. If the invitation is extended to friends at a distance and pre-supposes un intention to entertain the recipients for any length of time, the obli- gation for speedy reply is equally necessary. If the invitation is given by an informal note, as is the case with some very quiet weddings, an answer must always be returneil and in the same note form. This attention is demanded by courtesy. To a large crush wedding a regret, accompruiied or not by a gift, may be sent if desired ; an acceptance is not necessary. W' here the invitations are to the church only, they are amply answeretl by sending or leaving cards at the house. To receive a card stating that the wedded pair will be "At Home" on certain dates, means that they desire to continue their acquaintance with the parties thus invited, who should either call in person or send cards promptly. 114 ACCEPTANCES ANT) RECRETS. Wedding Anniversaries. Anniversary invitations require an answer, thus givinj^ a very pleasant oj)portunity for eonj^^ratuiatin^ the liappy couple. The fol- lowing forms are suitable : Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Cummings accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Kennet Wade for Thursday evening, October tenth, and j)resent their warmest congratulations on their Silver Wedding Anniversary. 45 ( "hurch Street. Thursday. l''or a refusal : Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Cummings sincerely regret that, owing to an unex- ]x?cted absence from town, they are unable to accept the very kind invita- tion of Mr. and Mrs. Kennet Wade for Thursday evening, October tenth, but beg to present to them their warmest congratulations on this occasion of their Silver Wedding Anniversary. 24 Church Street. Wednesday. The same formuhe in answering will apply to any of the anniver- sary festivities. Theater and Opera Parties. These parties are frequently made up on rather short notice and the invitations are then sent to the house by .special messenger who awaits the reply,' which must be written at once, that the lady or gentleman giving the entertainment may be sure of a certain number to fill the box or stalls, engaged for the ev^ening. Occasionally, when the party is given by a gentleman, he takes a carriage and gives ou'" ihe invitations in person when a v^erbal answer is returned. Luncheons and Suppers. Invitations for these are written in the same form as for a dinner, merely substituting the word " luncheon" or " suj)per " for "dinner," and should be accepted or refused in precisely the same style. Answers also should be sent with the same promptness that the hostess may be certain of arranging her table satisfactorily. ACCEP TA NC KS A N I ) R KG RETS. lU Other Invitations. Other invitations, aside from tiiose already specified in tiiis depart nient, scarcely demand an answer, except they bear the words: " Th^ favor of an answer is requested," or the initials, " R. S. \', P." Simpl- "at home" affairs never need an answer, thou^di cards must always be sent, or left in person, immediatel)' afterward. Garden j)artie^, where thev are held at anv distance from the citv and carriaijes ar '. to be stilt to conw)' the <^iiests thither, alwa}'s retjuire an answiv ; this, however, is usually indicated upon the card. Refusing After Acceptance. Should it unfortunately occur, after accepting an invitation, that, by one of the sorrowful liappeninj^s so often marring our best laid plana, we are prevented from fulfilling our i)romise, let the regret sent he prompt, that your hostess, especially if the entertainment be a dinner or luncheon may jjossibly, even at the eleventh hour, be able to supply the vacancy. Make it explanatory as well, that she may feel posit* ^e that no mere whim has caused the disarranLjement of her plans. What Not to Do. Never write the word "accepts," "regrets" or "declines" u^-jon your visiting card and send in lieu of a written note. To do so is not only an insult to your hostess but a mark as well of your own ill- breeding. An invitation, which is always an honor and implies the best that your host is able to offer, should always receive the courtesy of a civil reply. CO COURTSHIP," accordiiiL;' to StclIU', "(.Otl- sists in a nunihtr of ([iiict attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, nor so vague as not to be understoc ,1." In this little quotation liis the sj)iriL and the letter of ..U etiquette regarding; courtship. The passion of love generally appearing to everyone save the man who feels it. so entirely disproportionate to the value of the object, so im[)ossiblii to be entered into by an\' out- side individual, that any strong expressions of it appear riiliculous to a third person. For this reason it is th.it all extravagance of feeling should be carefully repressed as an offense against good breeding. Man was made for woman, and woman equally for man. How shall they treat each other? How shall they come to understand their mutual relations and duties? It is lofty work to write upon this subject what ought to be written. Mistakes, fatal blunders, liearts and lives wrecked, homes turned into bear-gardens, tears, miseries, blasted hopes, awful tragedies — can you name the one most prolific cause of all these ? If our young people were taught what they ought to know — if it were told them from infancy up — if it were drilled into them and they were made to understand what now is all a mystery to them — a dark, vague, unriddled mystery — hearts would be happier, homes would be brighter, lives would be worth living and the world would be better. 116 "Good Night! Good Night! Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall j^^ -v good night till it be morrow." A POLITE ESCORT. ETIQUETTE OF COURrSIllI» AXI) MARRIAGE. 117 Tin's is now the matter — matter j^ravc and serious enoujjjh — whieh we have in hand. There arc <^cni.s of wisdom founded on health, morality, happiness, whieh should be put within reaeh of every house hold in our whole broad land. It is a most important, yet neglected subject. People are squeamish, cursed with mock modesty, ashamed to speak with their lips what their Creator spoke through their own minds and bodies when he formed them. It is time such nonsense — iKjnsense shall we say ? — rather say it is time such fatal folly were withered and cursed by the sober common sense and moral duty of universal society. Courtship! Its theme, how delightful! Its memories and associa- tions, how charming! Its luxuries the most luxurious proffered to mortals! Its results how far reaching, and m.omentous! No mere lover's fleeting bauble, but life's very greatest work' None are equally portentous, for good and evil. Errors of Love-Making. God's provisions for man's happiness are boundless and endless. 1 low great are the pleasures of sight, motion, breathing ! How much greater those of mind ! Yet a right love surpasses them all ; and ean render us all happier than our utmost imaginations can depict ; and a wrong more miserable. Right love-making is more important than right selection ; because it affects conjugal life for the most. Men and women need knowledge concerning it more than touching anything else. Their fatal errors show their almost universal ignorance concerning it. That most married discords originate in wrong love-making instead of selection, is proved by love usually decl'-^ing ; while adaptation remains the same. Right courtship will harmonize natural discordants, much more concordants, still more those already in love ; which only some serious causes can rupture. The whole po'ver of this love element is enlisted in its perpetuity, as are all the self-interests of both. As nature's health provisions are so perfect that only its great and long-continued ]1.S ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. oiitrafTc can break it ; so licr conjugal are so numerous and perfect that but for outrageous violation of lier love laws all who once begin can and will grow more and more affectionate and happy every day. Any man who can begin to elicit any woman's love, can perfectly inf ituate her more and UK^-e, solely by courting her right ; and all women who once start a man's love — no very difficult achievement — can get out of him, and do with hitn, anything possible she pleases. The charming and fiscinating power of serpents over birds is as nothing comparetl with that a woman can wield over a man, and he over her. Ladies, recall your love hey-day. You had your lover perfectly spell-bound. He literally knew not what he did or would do. With what alacrity he sprang to indulge your every wish, at whatever cost, and do exactly as you desired ! If you had only courted him just right, he would have continued to grow still more so till now. This is e([ually true of a man's power over every w)man who once begins to lovx' him. What would you give to again wield that same bewitching wand ? How to Carry on Courtship. Intuition, our own selfhood, is nature's highest teacher, and infallible; and tells all, by her "still, small voice within," whether and just wherein they are makmg love right or wrong, lu^ery false step fore- warns all atjainst itself ; and great is thei*- fdl who stumble. Court- ship has its own inherent consciousness, which must be kept inviolate. Then throw yourself, (3 courting youth, upon your own interior sense of propriety and right, as to both the beginning and conducting of courtship, after learning all you can from these pages, and have no fears as to results, but quietly bide them, in the most perfect assur' ance of their happ\' ex'entuality ! " What can I do or omit to advance my suit ? prevent dismissal ? make m\' very best impression ? guarantee acceptance ? touch my idol's heart ? court just right ?" This is what all true courters say. Cultivate and manifest whatever qualities you would awaken. You inspire in the one you court the precise feeling and traits you yourself ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 119 experience. This law effects this result. Every faculty in either awakens itself in the other. This is just as sure as gravity itself Hence your success must come from untJii)i, depenils upon yourself, not the one courted. Study the specialties, likes and dislikes in particular, of the one courted, and humor and ailapt yourself to them. Be extra careful not to prejudice him t)r her against you by awak- ening any faculty in reverse. Thus whatever rouses the other's resist- ance against you, antagonizes all the other f iculties, and proportionally turns love for you into hatred. Whatever wounds ambition reverses all the other feelings, to your injury ; what delights it, turns them in your favor. All the faculties create, and their action constitutes human nature ; which lovers will do right well to study. To give "^n illustration : A Case to the Point. An elderly man with points in his favor, having selected a woman eighteen years younger, but most intelligent and feminine, had two young rivals, each having more points in their favor, and came to his final test. She thought much of having plenty of money. They saw they could " cut him out" by showing her that he was poor ; she till then thinking his means ample. All four met around her table, and proved his poverty. His rivals retired, sure that they had made " his cake dough," leaving him with her. It was his turning-point. He addressed himself right to her a^ccfions, saying little about money matters, but protesting an amount of devotion for her to which she knew they were strangers ; and left his suit right on this one point ; adding : " You know I can make money ; know how intensely I esteem, admire, idolize, and love you. Will not my admitted greater affec- tion, with my earnings, do more for \-ou than they with more money, but less love?" Her clear head saw the point. Her heart melted into his. She said •' yes." He triumphed by this affectional spirit alone over their much greater availability. 120 ETIQUKITE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. M;inirc.stin<^ the domestic affoctions and virtues, a warm, j^aishing friendly nature, fondness for cliildren and home, insj)ires a man's love most of all, while evincin<^ talents by a man peculiarly enamors woman. Relations, you shall not interfere, where even parents may not. Make your own matches, and let others make theirs ; especially if you have bunt^led your own. One siicJi bunj^le is one too many. The parties are betrothed. Their marriage is "fore-ordained" by themselves, its only rii^htful umpires, which all right-minded outsiders will try to promote, not prevent. I low despicable to separate hus- bands and wives ! Yet is not parting those married by a \o\Q-spirit, equally so? Its mere legal form can but increase its validity, not create it. IVIarriage is a divine institution, and consists in their own personal betrothal. Hence breaking up a true love-union before its legal consummation, is just as bad as parting loving husband and wife ; which is monstrous. All lo\crs who allow it are its wicked partakers. Choice of Associates. The first point to be considered on this subject is a careful choice of associates, which will often, in the end, save future unhappincss and discomfort, since, as Goldsmith so truthfully puts it, " Love is often an involuntary passion placed upon our companions without our con- sent, and frequently conferred without even our previous esteem." This last most unhappy state of affairs may, to a great extent, be avoided by this careful choosing of companions. Especially is this true on the part of the lady, since, from the nature and constitution of society, an unsuitable acquaintance, friendship, or alliance, is more embarrassing and more painful for the woman than the man. As in single life an undesirable acquaintance is more derogatory to a woman than to a man, so in married life, the woman it is who ventures most, "for," as Jeremy Taylor writes, "she hath no sanctuary in which to retire from an evil husband ; she may complain to God as do the subjects of tyrants and princes, but otherwise she hath no appeal in the causes of unkindness." ETIQUKTTI': OF COURTSHIP AND ^rARR[AGE. 121 First Steps. To .1 ma'i who has become fascinated with some womanly ideal, we would say, if the acquaintancesliip be very recent, and he, as yet, a stran<;er to her relatives, that he shoidd first consider in detail his position and prospects in life, antl jutiL;e whether or not they arc such as would justify him in striving to win the lady's ;iffections, and later ■on her hand in marriage. Assured upon this point, and let no young man think that a fortune is necessary for the wooing of any woman worth the winning, let him then gain the needful introductions through some muturd friend to her parents or guardians. If, on the other hand, it is a long acquaintance that has ripened into admiration, this latter formality will be unnecessary. As to the lady, her position is negative to a great extent. Yet it is to be presumed that her preferences, though unexpressed, are decided, and, if the attentions of a gentleman are agreeable, her manners will be apt to indicate, in some degree, the state of her mind. Prudence, however, does, or should, warn her not to accept toa marked attentions from a man of whose past life she knows nothing, and of whose present circumstances she is equally ignorant. Character. There is one paramount consideration too often overlooked and too late bewailed in many a ruined home, and that is the character of the man who seeks to win a woman's hand. Parents and guardians can- not be too careful in this regard, and youn.g women themselves should, by refusing such associates, avoid all danger of contracting such ties. Wealth, nor family rank, nor genius, availeth aught if the character of the man be flawed. Let parents teach their daughters and let girls understand for them- selves that happiness, or pci^ce, in married life is impossible where a man is, in any wise, dissipated, or liable to be overcome by any of the fashionable vices of the day. Better go down to your grave a " for- lorn spinster" than marry such a man. 122 E'riQUETTE OF COLRISHIP AND xMARRIAGE. Disposition. As to temper or tlisposition, tlie man or woman can easily gain some insiglit into the respective peculiarities of another's temperament by a little quiet observation. If the gentleman be courteous and care- ful in his attentions to his mother and sisters, and behave with ease and consitleration t(nvard all women, irrc:spective of age, rank, or present condition, she may feel that her first estimate was a correct one. On the other hand, should he show disresiiect toward women as a class, sneer at Sticred things, evince an inclination for expensive pleasures in advance of his means, or for low amusements or compan- ionship ; be cruel to the horse he drives, or diplay an absence of all energy in his business pursuits, then is it time to gently, but firml\', repel all nearer advances on his jiart. As to the crentlemaii, it will be well for him also to watch carefuUv as to the disposition of th.e lad\' ;ind In r ct)ntluct in lur own fimilv. ]f she be attentive and respectful to her parents, kind and affectionate toward her brothers ,ca(\. sisters, not easib' ruffled in temper and with inclination to enjoy the pleasures of home ; cheerful, hopeful and charitable in dispositioii, then may he feel, indeed, that he has a prize before him well wortli the winning. If, however, she shoultl display a strong inclination towards affecta- tion and flirtation ; be extremely showy or else careless in her attire, frivolous in her tastes and eager for admiration, he may rightly con- clude that very little home happiness is to be expected from her com- panionship. Trifling. A true gentleman will never confine his attentiotis exclusively to one lady unless he has an intention of marriage. To do so exposes her to all manner of cotije<:ture, lays an embargo on the formation of other acquaintances, may very seriously compromise her liappiness, and by after withdrawal frequently causes her the severest mortifica- tion. Hence a gentleman with no thought of marriage is in bono" bound to make his attentions to ladies as general as possible. ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 123 Still more reprehensible is the conduct of the r in who insinuates himself into the affections of a youn^ Ljirl by every protestation and avowal possible, save that which woukl be binding upon himself, and then withdraws his attentions with the boastful consciousness that he has not committed himself Again, the young lady who willfully, knowingly, deliberately, draws on a man to place hand and heart at her disposal simply for the pleasure of refusing him ami thus atkling one more name to her list of rejected proposals, is utterl}' unworthy the name of woman. Etiquette of Making and Receiving Gifts. On the question of giits there is a point of etiquette to be observed. Gentlemen, as a rule, do not offer ladies presents, save of fruits, flowers, or confections ; which gifts, notwithstanding that a small fortune may be lavished upon their purchase, art- supposed, in all probability from their perishable character, to leave no obligation rcst- \i^g upon the lad}'. Should the conversation, however, turn upon some new book or musical composition, which the lady has not seen, the gentleman may, with perfect propriety, say, " I wish that you could see such or such a work ami, if you will permit, I should be pleased to send you a copy." It is then optional with the lady to accept or refuse. Should a gentleman persist in offering other gifts there must be no secrecy about it. She should take early opportunity of saying, in the presence of her fither and mother, " I am very much obliged to you for that ring, pin (or other gift) which you were so kind as to offer me the other day, and I shall be happy to accept it if Papa or Man una docs not object." If the lady is positive in her objections to receiving gifts, it is easy to say, " I thank you for the kindness but I never take expensive presents ;" or, " Mamma never permits me to accept expen- sive presents." These refusals are always to be taken by the gen- tleman in good part. Where a present has been unadvisedly accepted, it is perfectly proj)er for the mother to return it with thanks, saying, " I think my daughter rather young to accept such expensive gifts." 124 i:i'i(^rj;i ii: oi" cor risiiii' and marriaci:. After an cn;^,ii,a-iiKnt is foniially niadu the eliijucttc of i^ifts is soinc' what alterccl, thoui^h even then expensive ])itsents, unless it Ije the engagement rini;, are nut in the best taste. These .should be reserved for the marriage gifts. Proposals of Marriage. The proposal itself is a subject so closely personal in its nature th.at cacli man must bt" a law unto liimself in the matter, and time and opportunit}- will be liis onl}' guides to success, unless, m;i}'hap, his lady-love be the brawr of the two and help him gently over the hardest part, for there be men and men; some wlio brook not "no" for an answer, antl some that a moment's hesitation on the part of the one souglit would seal their lips forever. A woman must alw.iys remember that a propcisal of marriage is the highest honor that a man can pay her, and, if she must nfuse it, t() do so in such fishion as to .spare liis feelings as much as possible. If .slie be a true and \vell-l)red woman, both proposal and refusal will be kept a profound .secret from e\er\' one save her parents. It is the least balm she can offer to the wounded pride of the man who has chosen her from out all women to bear his name and to reign \n his home. A wise woman can almost always prevent matters from coming to the point of a declaration, and, by her actions and her promjit acceptance of the attentions of others, shoidd strive to show the true state of her feelings. A gentleman .should usually take "no" for an answer unless he bo of so persevering a disposition as to be determined to take the fort by siege; or unless the "no" was so undecided in its tone as to <^ivc some hope of finding true the poets words : "He gave them hut one tongue to say us, 'Nay,* And two fond eyes to grant." On the gentleman's part, a decided refusal should be received as calmly as possible, and his resolve sliould be in no way to annoy the cause of all his pain. If mere indifference be or seem to be the origin 'if the refusal, he may, after a suitable length of time, press his suit w c > H W o H < o 'Xi DECLINED WITH REGRETS. ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 125 once more ; but if an avowed or evident preference for another be the reason, it beeomes imperative tliat he sliould at once witlidraw from the field. Any reason that tlie lady may, in her compassion, see fit to give him as cause for her refusal, should ever remain his inviolable Secret. As whatever grows has its natural period for maturing, so has love. At engagement you have merely selected, so that your familiarity slunild be unl)' intellectual, not affcctional. You are yet more ac([uaintances than companions. v\s sun changes from midnight d.u'kness into noonda\' brilliancy, and heats, lights up, and warms ;^r(i(/na/Iv, and as sunnner "lingers in the lap of spring;" so marriage sliould dall\' in the laj) of courtship. Nature's adolescence of love should never be cnnvded into a premature marriage. The more personal, the more impatient it is ; )-et to establish its Platonic aspect takes more time than is usual 1\' given it ; so that undue haste puts it upon the carnal plane, which :;oon cloys, then disgusts. Unbecoming Haste. Coyness and modesty always accompany female love, which invol- untarily shrink from close masculine contact until its mental phase is sufficiently developed to overrule the antagonistic intimacies of mar- riage. Besides, why curtail the luxuries of courtship? Should haste to enjoy the lusciousness of summer engulf the delights of spring? The pleasures of courtship are unsurpassed throughout life, and quite too :^reat to be curtailed by hurrying marriage. And enhancing or diminishinLT them redoubles or curtails those of marriage a hundred- fold more. A happy courtship promotes conjugal felicity more than anything else whatever. A lady, asked why she didn't marrj', since she had so many making love to her, replied: "Because being courted is too great a luxur\' to be spoilt by marr>'ing." No man should wait to make his pile. Two must acquire a compe- tence conjointly, m order fully to really enjoy it together. This alone can give full zest to whatever pleasures it produces. [2i •riJQUKT'rR OI' COURTSHIP AND ^^ARRIAGE. A formal proffer of marriaf^c naturally follows a man's selection and decision as to whom he will mairy. Consent to canvass their nuitu;i' a(lai)tations implies consent to marr), if all is found satisfactory; \et a final test and consunnnation now become neccssai}', both to brin^" this whole matter to a focus, and allow both to state, and obviate or waive, those objections which must needs exist on both sides; includ- ing any improvements possible in either. How to Deal with Objections. The best time to state and \sai\e or remove all objections, seeming and real, not ahead)- adjusted, i ■.: his proposal, and her acceptance. A verbal will do, but a written is much better, by facilitating future reference. A long future awaits their marriage ; h.ence committing this its initial point to writing, s(^ that both can look back to it, is most desirable. And he can propose, and she accept, much better when alone, and they have all their faculties under full control, than ver- bally, perhaps, when exci^^etl. Those same i)rimal reasons for reducing all other contracts to writing obtain doubl)' in reference to marriage You who fear awkwardness on paper, remember that true lumian nature always ai)pears well, even when poorly dressed. A diamond is no less brilliant because set in clay. Mode is nothing, reality ever}'- thing. All needed to appear well is to /iW right, and express natu- rally what is felt. Saying plainly what }'ou have to say, is all required. The acceptance or rejection should also be unequivocal, or any contingencies stated, and waived :f minor, but if they can neither be obvialcd nor compromised, should terminate their relations, that both ma)' look elsewhere. If any bones of contention exist, now is tb.e time to inter them finally, and to take the initiatory steps for perfecting both in each other's eyes. Ik-ar in mind that as yet your relations are still those of business merely, because neither has acquired or con- ceded any right to love or be lov^ed. Without pretending to gi\'e model letters of proposal, acceptance, or rejection, because varying circumstances will vary each ^d infinitum, the following may serve as samples from which to work : ETiQuirm: of corkrsiiii' wn m.\rriac:e. 127 *' Mich MsiKKMri) Fkik.vi*: As \vl- liavo agreed to canvass our mutual adaptations for marriage, and ni)' own mind is fully made uj), a final det ision now bet omes necessary. "What 1 have learned of and from you (onfirms that high opinion of you which prompted my selection of you, and inspires a desire to consummate it. Vour i)leasing manner and mode of saying and doing things ; your intelli- gence, taste, i^rudence, kindness, and many other excellencies, inspire my highest admiration. "Will you let me love wliat 1 so mu( h admire? •'But my affections are sacred. 1 can bestow them only on one who reciprocales them ; will bestow them ti[)on }()u, if you will bestow yours on me ; not otherwise ; for only imttiial love < an render either hai)py. 1 i an and will love you alone, with all my heart, provided you can and will love only me, with all of yours. Do you accord me this privilege, on this con- dition, for life, forever? 1 (rave to make you my wife; to live with and for you, and proffer you my whole being, with honest, assiduous toil, fidelity to business, what talents I possess, and all I can do to contribute to your creature comforts. Do you accord me this ])rivilege, on this condition? May I enshrine you as ([ueen of my life? "Say wherein you find me faulty, or ca})able of improvement in your eyes, and I will do my utmost, consistently with my conscience, to rendei myself worthy and acceptable to you. "I wi«>'-. some things were different in you — that }0u had better health, arose earlier, were less impulsive, knew more about keeping house, etc. ; yet these minor matters sink into insignificantx' in comparison with your many ex- cellences, and especially that whole-souled affection cbviou.sly inherent in you. " Deliberate fully, for this is a life affair, and if, in order to decide iudiciou.sly, you require to know more of me, ask me, or and -. riease reply as soon as you can well decide. " Decline unless you accept cordially, and can love me truly and wholly; but if you can and will reciprocate my proffered affection, say yes, and indicate your own time and mode of our marriage. Meanwhile, with the highest regards, I am, and hope ever to remain, Yours truly, A. B." A true woman could give a better answer than the following, which does not claim to be a model. It is hardly time yet for a gushing 128 ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. love-letter, or we would not profane this sacred subject by making the attempt ; yet should like to receive one in spirit somewhat as follows : ** Dear Sir : Your proffer of your hand and heart in marriage has been duly received, and its important contents fully considered. **I accept your offer: and on its only condition, that I reciprocate you/ love, which I do completely; and hereby both offer my own hand and heart in return, and consecrate my entire being, soul and body, all I am and can become, to you alone; both according you the 'privilege' you crave of loving me, and 'craving' a like one in retvirn. "'I'hank Heaven that this matter is settled ; that you are in very deed mine, while I am yours, to love and be loved by, live and be lived with and for; and that my gushing affeetions have a final resting-place on one every way so worthy of the fullest reciprocal symjjathy and trust. ** The preliminaries of our marriage we will arrange whenever we meet, which I hope may be soon. But whether sooner or later, or you are present or absent, I now consider myself as wholly yours, and you all mine ; and both give and take the fullest privilege of cherishing and expressing for you that whole-souled love I find even now gushing up and calling for expres- sion. Fondly hoping to hear from and see you soon and often, I remain wholly yours forever, CD." Sealing the Vow. The vow and its tangible witnesses come next. All agreements require to be attested ; and this as much more than others as it is the most obligatory. Both need its luiequi vocal and mutual mementos, to be cherished for all time to come as its perpetual witnesses. This vow of each to the other can neither be made too strong, nor held too sacred. If calling God to witness will strengthen your mutual adjura- tion, swear by Him and His throne, or by whatever else will render it inviolable, and commit it to waiting, each transcribing a copy for tlie other as your most sacred relics, to be enshrined in your " holy ot holies." Two witnesses are required, one for each. A ring for her and locket for him, containing the likencs.*- of both, as always showing how they now look, or any keepsake both may select, more or less Valuable, to be handed down to their posteriL)', will answer. ETIQUETTE OE COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 12P Your mode of conducting your future affairs should now be arranged. Though impHed in selection, yet it must be specified in detail. Both should arrange your marriage relations ; say what each desires to do, and have done ; and draw out a definite outline plan of the variaus positions you desire to maintain towards each other. Your future home must be discussed : whether you will board, or live in your own Jiouse, rented, or owned, or built, and after what pattern ; or with either or which of your parents. And it is vastly important that wives determine most as to their domiciles ; their internal arrangements, rooms, furniture, management; respecting which the)- are consulted quite too little, )'et cannot well be too much. Famih' rules, as well as national, state, corporate, financial, must be established. They are most needed, yet least practiced in marriage. Without them, all must be chaotic. Ignoring them is a great but common marital error. The Friends wisely make family method cardinal. A Full Understanding. V^our general treatment of each other now especially requires to be mutually agreed upon. Each should sa)', " I should like to treat and be treated by you thus, but not so ; and let you do this but not that ; " and both mutually agree on a thousand like minor points, better definitely arranged at first than left for future contention ; each making requisitions, conceding privileges, and stipulating for any fancies, idols, or " reserved rights." Differences must needs arise, which cannot be adjusted too soon. Those constitutionally inherent in each should be adjusted in love's early stages ; it matters less how, than whether to your mutual satis- faction. Or if this is impossible, "agree to disagree;" but settle on something. A concessionary' spirit is indispensable, and inheres in love. Neither skould insist, but both concede, in all things ; each making, not demanding .sacrifices. The one who loves most will yield to oblige most. What course wiil make both happiest should overrule all your mutual relations. 9 130 ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. Write down and file all. Your present decisions, subject to mutual changes and amendments, will become more and more important for future reference, as time rolls on, by enabling each to correct both ; for our own changes make us think others hav^e changed. A mutual diary is desirable ; for incidents now seemingly trivial, may yet become important. Important Trifles. See or correspond with each other often. Love will not bear neglect. Nothing kills it equally. In this it is most exacting. It will not, should not, be second in anything. "First or nothing," is its motto. Meet as often as possible. After its fires have once been lit, they must be perpetually resupplied with their natural fuel ; else they die down, go out, or go elsewhere; and arc harder to rekindle than to light at first. A splendid young man, son of one of New England's most talented and pious divines, endowed with one of the very best of organisms, '-"hysical and phrenological, having selected his mate, and plighted ..neir mutual vows, being the business manager of a large manufactory, and obliged to defend several consecutive lawsuits for patent-right infringen»ents, neglected for weeks to write to his betrothed, presup- posing, of course, that all was right. This offended her ladyship, and allowed evil-minded meddlers to sov/ seeds of alienation in her mind ; persuade her to send him his dismissal, and accept a marriag? proposal from another. As he told his mournful story, he seemed like a sturdy oak riven by lightning and torn by whirlwinds ; its foliage scorched, bark stripped, limbs tattered, even its very rootlets scathed ; yet standing, a stern, proud, defiant, resolute wreck. A gushing tear he manfully tried but failed to suppress. His lips quivered and voice faltered. Perceiving his impending fate, he seemed to dread his future more than present ; and hesitated between self-abandonment, and a merelj mechanical, objectless, business life. In attempting his salvation, by proffering advice to the "broken-hearted," he respectfully but firralj ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 131 declined ; deliberately preferring old-bachelorship, with all its dearths, of which he seemed fully conscious. He felt as if he had been deeply wronged. Yet was not he the _^r^/ practically to repudiate? He suffered ter- ribly, because he had sinned grievously, not by commission, but omis- sion. He felt the deepest, fullest, manliest love, and revelled in anti- cipations of their future union, but did not express it ; which was to her as if he had not felt it ; whereas, had he saved but one minute per week to write lovingly, " I long to be with you, and love you still," or, " Business does not, cannot diminish my fondness," he would have saved her broken vows, and his broken heart. Mingling other enjoyments with love, by going together to picnics and parties, sleigh-rides and Mayings, concerts, and lectures, marvel- lously cements the affections. Love Feeds on Love. Meet in your most attractive habiliments of mind and person. French ladies will see their affianced only when arrayed in their best toilet. Yet mental charms vastly surpass millinery. Neither can render yourselves too lovely. Express affectionate fondness in your visits and letters ; the more the better, so that you keep it a sentiment, not debase it by animal passion. It is still establishing its rootlets, like young corn, instead of growing. Allow no amatory excitement, no frenzied, delirious intoxication with it ; for its violence, like every other, must react only *"o exhaust and paralyze itself by its own excesses. iXffianced young man, life has its epochs, which revolutionize it for gooQ or bad. You are now in one. You have heretofore afifiliated much with men ; formed habits of smoking or chewing tobacco ; indulged in late suppers ; abused yourself in various ways ; perhaps be'^n on sprees. Now is your time to take a new departure from v\..atever is evil to all that is good and pure. Break up most of your masculine associations ; and affiliate chiefly with your affianced. Be out no more nights. Let your new responsibilities and relations brace 132 ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. you up against their temptations; and, if these are not sufficient, your prospective spouse will help. No other aid in resisting temptation and inspiring to good equals that of a loving, loved woman. Break off from your cronyisms, clubs, societies, all engagements except such as mean imperative, cold-blooded business. Your new ties furnish an excellent excuse. All your spare time and small change are wanted for Jicr. To give to bad habits the time and money due to her and setting up in life, is outrageous. Bend every- thing to your new relations, them to nothing. Now's your time to turn over a new leaf, and turn all the angles, corners and right-about faces needed. Affianced maiden, you have some departures to take and corners to turn. Your life has till now been frivolous, but has now become serious. You have no more need of toilet fineries; for "your market is made," and you have work on hand far more important, namely, fitting yourself for your new ilutics. Find out what the}' demand of you, and set right about making a premium wife and mother. Both begin life anew. Forgetting the past, plant and sow now what you would gather and become always. The Best of all Possessions. Woman is man's choicest treasure. That is the most precious which confers the most happiness. She is adapted to render him incom- parably happier than any other terrestrial possession. He can enjoy luscious peaches, melting pears, crack horses, dollars and other things innumerable ; but a well-sexed man can enjoy woman most of "'.a. He is poor indeed, and takes little pleasure in this life, be his pcsses- sions and social position what they may, who takes no pleasure with her. All description utterly fails to express the varied and exultant enjoyments God has engrafted into a right sexual state. Only few experiences can attest how many and great, from infancy to death, and throughout eternity itself. All God could do He has done to render each sex superlatively happy in the other. Of all his beautiful and perfect work, this is the most beautiful and perfect. Of all his ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 133 bcnirjnant devices, this is his most bcnij^n. All the divine attributes, all human happiness, converge in male and female adaptations to mutual enjoyments. Each is correspondingly precious to the other. Man should prize many things, yet woman is his pearl of greatest price. He should preserve, cherish, husband many life possessions, but woman the most. He has many jewels in his crown of glory, but she is his gem- jewel, his diadem. What masculine luxury equals making women in general, and the loved one in particular, happy ? The Source of Miseries. Beginning and conducting courtship as this chapter directs, avoiding the errors and following the directions it specifies, will just as surely render all superlatively happy as sun will rise to-morrow. Scan their sen.sc. Do they not expound nature's love-initiating and consum- mating ordinances ? Are they not worthy of being put into practice ? Discordants, can you not trace many of your antagonisms and miseries to their ignorant violation ? Parents, what are they worth to put into your children's hands, to forewam them against carelessly, ignorantly, spoiling their marriage ? Young ladies, what are they worth to you, as showing you how to so treat your admirers as to gain and redouble their heart's devotion ? Young men, what arc these warnings and teachings worth to you ? God in his natural laws will bless all who practice, curse all who violate them. The conduct during engagement on the part of the gentleman should be marked by the utmost courtesy toward and confidence in the woman of his choice ; a state of feeling which she should fully reciprocate. In public their behavior toward one another should not be markedly different from that displayed by them toward other men and women of their acquaintance ; save that the bridegroom-elect should be on the watch that not the slightest wish of the lady be unfulfilled. As for the lady, while she is not expected to debar herself fro n accepting the customary courtesies extended by the gentlemen of her 134 ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. acquaintance, a slight reserve should mark her conduct in accepting them. At all places of amusement or entertainment she should appear either in the company of her fiance, or that of some relative. She should never captiously take offense at \\<:x fiance s showing the same attention to other ladies that she, in her turn, is willing to accept 'rom other gentlemen, and she should take the same ])ains to please his taste in trifles that he does to gratif)' her sliglitest wish. This does not mean, though, that in the selfishness and blindness of love — and love is \ery blind antl selfish sometimes — she is to shut herself up to his companionship at all times, excluding him from the family circle of which he is so soon to become a member, and "pairing off" on all occasions, thus rendering both the mark for silly jestings. How to Cherish Love. But, in sober matter-of-fact, that little ring of gold does not mean dtter blindness. It does not mean that she is to devote her evenings exclusively to the chosen one, ignoring her fitnil}' entirelv. It lioes not mean that she is to accept valuable presents of all kinds at his hands, to expect him to give up all his friends for her sake, nor tinii; friends \\rre])lannint^ many a pleasant outini;, and now sjie is wholK' dependent upon her husband for all of these thin_i;s. Let her beware, uutler these circumstances, of allowin<^ herself to attend church, lecture, or an\- other evenin^^ enter- tainment, in the company of well-meanini^ friends. Vor the husband, once seeing that his wife can attend these i>laces without his assist- ance, will soon, if such be his disposition, remain selfishly home at all times, or, if otherwise inclined, still more selfishly find his amuse- ment in places widely foreign to his wife's hai)piness or jicace of mind. Th'. carelessness of many well-meanini^ men in this respect is the cause of very much unhap})iness that might be wholly avoided by a little consideration as to the utter dependence of the wife upon her husband for all these recreations. Home Attire. This is a subject that it should be unnecessary to touch upon, but, unfortunately, too many bright, pretty, carefully-dressed girls degen- erate into carclcsSj fretful, untidy and illy-clad young wives, whose ETIQUETTE OF COrRTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 139 presence is anything; but a joy forever to tlic individuals who must face them across the f.unily hoard for three hundred and sixty-five days in every year. And it is this careless }ouni^ woman who is first to complain that " John does not care for me in the least, now we are married," while John is very apt to think, ** If Carrie would only take just a little of the jxiins to please me now that she did six months a^o, how much happier we would be." And John is quite ri^ht about it. This very carelessness on the ])art of wi\'es has marred the happiness of more than one luw home. The ribb(jn, the flower, the color that "John likes" and thi; smile that crowns all are magical in their effects. Then let John always remember to bring to this home a pleasant face, from which business cares are driven awa\', antl a readiness to please and be pleased, that meets tin; wife's attemj)ls halfway, and the evening meal will be madt- delightful by pleasant elial, which should never consist of a risiinic of the dav's tribulations, but should turn on subjects calculated to remove from the mind all trace of their existence, and thus will they arise at its close better and hajipier for the hour that has passed. Household and Personal Expenses. One of the chief sources of unhappiness in married life is the strife arising from the vexed question of home and personal expenses. In the first place, the husband frequently fails in regard to openness with regard to his business concerns and profits ; thus the wife, entirely ignorant as to what amount she may safely spend, errs too often on the side of extravagance, finding too late, when a storm of reproach descends upon her innocent head, where and how she has sinned. Then, too, it is often a sore trial to the wife's pride to ask for the money necessary to keep her own wardrobe in repair. Especially is this the case when, before marriage, she was in receipt of her own money, earned by her own hands. It seems to her that her husband ought to see that she has need of certain articles, and the very fact that he does not, leads her to the f^lse supposition that he has ceased 140 ETIQUK ITE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. to care for her, wliile he, if there was any thou<^ht about it in his mind, would say, "Why doesn't she ask for money if she wants it? She knows I will give it to her if I have it." All these troubles would be avoided if married couples early came to a definite imdcrstandin<; on this subject, and a certain sum were set aside which tlie w ife was to receive weekly for household expenses, her personal wants to be supplied from such surj)lus as she may be able to save from out this sum, or in some other way provided for by a stated amount, both of which sums should be under her exclusive, unquestioned control. Some simple system of accounts should then be kept and regularly gone over together on every quarter. A mutual agreement thus established on the money question, much annoyance and much extravagance may be prevented. It is not too much to suggest that, perhaps, it might not be amiss to jjresent an account of the husband's expenses also, at these quarterly reckonings. Above all things, never let the wife, from a weak desire to gratify her own personal vanity, enter upon some extravagant purchase, the amount of which she must conceal from her husband, and (vainly often) strive to pay in small amounts saved or borrowed. The result is usually exposure, sometimes disgrace, pecuniary loss and loss of esteem in the husband's eyes. Perfect confidence is the only basis upon which happiness can be safely founded. A Pleasant Disposition. Cultivate, on both sides, a disposition to restrain all unseemly exhi- bitions of temper. Hysterics and prolonged and repeated fits of tears soon lose their effect, and, at the last, a half-pitying contempt is their only result. Let all conversation be refined in its tone. The force of example in this respect carries with it a silent, impressive power that is not easily resisted and lapses therefrom involve a loss of this influ- ence that cannot be easily estimated. Profanity, too, is a deadly foe in the household and any wife that permits her husb^md to swear in her presence, either to herself, or ETIQUETTP: of courtship and marriage. 141 concerning others, lessens her own self-respect eaph time it occurs. That profanity can be repressed, has been shown her by the fact tliat, no matter how long the previous engagement may have lasted, no word of such import escaped the man's lips in her presence, and surely the woman chosen to be head of his home is no less worthy of his respect than was the girl he wooed. The habit of indulging in cutting or liarsh remarks is one to be guarded against. Mutual politeness should be exercised by botii husband and wife, and in all cases watch should be set over the mouth, and the door of the lips well kept. Boarding Versus Home Life. The tendency in a'l large cities, at this present time, points toward fashionable boarding-houses, or expensive lodging-houses, as the nuclei round which the newlj-married most do congregate. It may be that the wife is utterl)' imused to the care of a house (in which case the sooner she learn the art, the happier for both parties) or, perhaps, the financial resources of the husband are unable to support the drain consequent upon furnishing a home that shall gratify the foolish pride of the wife. But, whatever the cause, the effects are the same, and are to be found in the utter unfitness of women adopt- ing this manner of existence for any of the serious duties of life that, sooner or later, come upon all who wear this mortal garb. Then, too, in the idle, censorious, gossiping, novel-reading life that flourishes in this hothouse existence, the seeds of life-long misery are not unfrequently sown. Let a home, then, however small, be one of the first considerations in beginning the married life, and let the adding to, and the beautify- ing of, this precious possession be the duty and the privilege of the years to come. To the wife, in her housewifely role, belongs the care of overseeing or accomplishing with her own hands, the varied duties that go to secure the daily well-being of the home. She must see that the rooms are bright, neat, and cosily arranged ; that the meals are appetizingly 142 ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. and punctually served, and be herself neatly and tastefully attired to preside at the table. . Due allowances are to be made for the amount of manual labor she has been obliged to perform with her own hands, still, by care and tact a woman can always maintain a certain degree of neatness. Let the husband, on his part, bring into the home cheerfulness, with a quick remembrance of all those little attentions that go so far toward making up the sum of earthly happiness. Let him see that, to the best of his ability, the home wants are provided for, and be not forgetful to lend the help of his stronger hand wherever needed. (Read carefully other hints in department of Home Etiquette.) Never demand of your wife more than you are willing to give. If you desire to be received with smiles, enter the house with a cheerful mein, and you will find there are few women who are not willing to giv^e measure for measure, and even a little more than they receive of kindly attention. For a wife will usually shine, like the moon, by reflection, and her happiness will always reflect your own. v.™ IN disscus.sin