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Maps, plates, charts, etc.. may be filmed at different reduction ratios. Those too large to be entirely included in one exposure are filmed beginning in the upper left hand corner, left to right and top to bottom, as many frames as required. The following diagrams illustrate the method: Les cartes, planches, tableaux, etc., peuvent dtre film^s A des taux de reduction diff^rents. Lorsque le document est trop grand pour dtre reproduit en un seul cliche, il est film* 6 partir de Tangle supdrie ir gauche, de gauche A droite, et de haut en bas, en prenant le nombre d"images n^cessaire. Les diagrammes suivants illustrent la m^thode. 1 2 3 1 2 3 4 5 6 t • ^ H. M. SL — (ti;.— THE LADY WHO LOVED A GOVERNMENT CLERK. -:-.<^H^i;^.^- I'lTIZKN PRINIlNc; AND Pl'HT.lSHINU CoMl'ANY, OTTAWA, 1880. ReghU'rfd under th( Copyright Act of 1S75, PREFACE. ^ .r\^\j\^ r-^r j^^j^r^A:^ • THK :uiai>tpr of this piece of extravagauce Legs to (Us.;laiin ant political }>ioclivitie8. Ife lias attemj)te«l, lie liopes not unsu.-- oMsfullv, to jjet a little liiinnless fun out of political peculiarities and weaknesses, ineHp(«tive of partv—iu fact, lie has emlfavomed to act an uuich a« poshibU; alter the i)attein of the Irishman at Donnyhrook Fair, and wherever he has seen an available head liius tried t<> give il a jrowl-h union red tap, not out of any animosity, but simply for the fun of the thing. If any head should appear to come in for more than its fair Mhaie of taps, it must be attributed solely to the particular i)rominenco of the s;ii<l head, and not to any other cause. If any expression or illusion in this extravagan/.a sho\i!il give reasonable cause of offence to «ny person, he will be sincerely sorry, and hereby apologizes for it in ad\ance ; but, as the rpidermis of politicians is proverbially tough, litf iecls convinced that no ofl'ence will be taken ivheic none is meant. DRAMATIS PERSON.E, S.KSAM.-u,S,.M.KV,K.M.(i. .(•hicfl-ina.ui.Toin.M.S.'T.rlb^^^^^^ (.^,.,,,,^ M,,. A C(MT.mumlcr ol H.M.S. -ParlKum-nl.- ^ ^ ^ -inKK ^'•'-■'■^ "^ ''^'-' ^'■■''^''".- ^^ '^"^ ' )cpartmciU. >, ,, n.MH vK \ Ml^Jntl1l•()l)u Member. .. ,, \ Statistical NU-inher. I (iM l»l AC K . . \ !'(>cti(al Member. I^KV HlKK . . ,^ , ^ IIk ( "aptain s Haughter NhriliirKK.us..rurvevor of r..treslumnt> to 11. M.S. •' Parliament ' A Monoiiolist. Ilu- Thief I'inaniier-s little ring (,f .ScnaKns an-l Mcmbcr>. Members, Clerks, etc. by a full Chorus. ScKNK First Ad .V Chamber in the House -.f ( '..mmons. Second .\et -The terrace in front of the Parliament buildings by moonliglU. m ACT 1. S,ENF —A cliauilMr ()»■ Connnittee llooin iu the Hoiiso of Coin- iHons. Members discveiod .yrin.Uui; axes ; others turning grindstones. On some of the axes are painted in vge letters, " Section A, " ^<tc- tion B;' " Nut-locks," " Printing Contiacts, " etc., etc. Chorus. We sail the shii) of State, Tho' our craft is lathei- leaky ; Our f;rindstones swift revolve, Tho' at times they're rather creaky. ^Ve grind away the livelong day. And talk in the house all night, But if we're in luck and don't get stuck, Onr axes will soon he bright. f'J'Jutfr J//-.<. JJufterlinn uut/i f'lrfjt^ ba»iki't on I'^r (irm. ) PvEcrr. Hail ! gallant Members ; safeguards of your nation. I'm glad to see you at your proper station ; Kelax your labors-l'll refreshments /*^^ Your axes will grind better for a ir/ict. (Prodarcs bottles o/>jinfjer hrn; apples., etc.) A HI A. Im called Mrs. lUitterbun, denr Mrs. Butterbnn, 'Tho T could never tell why, For T sell my refreshments at very low prices, So I'm c/ie<tp Mrs. Butterbun, 1. I supply all the Memi)ers and lobby attenders With ginger pop, ibivored with rye ; I've ap|»les so fruitv, and oranges juicy, For members to s ': when they're dry. Then buy of your Jiutterbun, cheap Mrs. Butterbun, Membeis should never be ■■^hi/, 'The intfecd that's aJoUioy not often pyrcailini/, Then buv of vour liutterbun, buy. Ttjin /»7«rX-.— -W't'll. MiH. Hiitterlxin, liow are you to day f I think I'll take a l)ot»)e of ginger pop, with the ohl rye tluvor Jfow much is it ? Jinlt.— Fifteen cents ! Titin JHack. — Fifteen centH f Why, it usetl to l>e only ten. liiitt. — Ah ! I>ut Mr. lilack, you forgot the N. P.— everything hat gone up. Tom lilark. - Now, MrH. Butterbnn, alh)w nie to inform you tliat fha additional dutieH imposed by the N. P. on the iiii])orted articlea which enter into the componitiou of your gijiger heer, amount exactly to one and one-thirty-iuicond of a mill on each liottle, and, couHequently, you art? not juHtified in increasing your pi ice fifty per cent. I showed this clearly in my last leading article. Hntt. — Can't help that, Mr. Black. I've got a monopoly like some of the big manufacturers, so, if you don't like to pay fitteen cents, you'll have to go without. Tom Black (aside). — Oh 1 confound the N.P. if thi.s is going,to l)e the game — its all very well in theory, but [ don't see the fun of paying fifteen cents instwid of t«'n for my ginger beer — they'll have to increase 'ur sessional allowance at this rate. Jien //»/»-.- -What about apples, to-day, Mrs. Ibittrrbun f An -xpide sweet, [ think 'tis meet That 1 should eat. That's |)oetry, Mis. {^. Vou ought to give me one for nothing for suclt an exquisite stanzti. lintt. — Certainly. Mr. Burr ; here is one. linrr. — But tliis is rotten, Mrs. liutteibun. liutt. — So is youi- ])oetry, Mr. Burr, so that's all right. Jiiirr. — Are you awaie, ju'ofane woman, that I am the Poet of Canada f that the roar of the mighty cataract, beside which 1 liave been nurtured, finds an echo in my verses / Do yovi not know that [ am to )>e apjtointed the Poet Laureate of the Dominion '. Jintt. — Very likely, Mr. Burr ; they've been making a many queer appointments lately, but if you want the apples you had better take them ; they are two for ten cents. Hnrr. — Two \ Why, they used to be three lUitt. — Dear me, gentlemen, J 'm suri)rised at you. Vou seem to forget all about the N.l'. Why, what wa.s it for If not to put up the price of everytliing ] Burr. — Oh ! this is too much. (Aside.) T begin to think the N.P. is a sell, only 1 don't like to say .so. (Unter Alexander MacDmdeye.) MftcDendeye. — I hare thought it often— the N.P. is a sell. — (All recoil from him, with expressions of hoii'or.) t 1 liutt. — Why, whiit'8 tlic tiiuttor with the man ( Ife looki m inerHble. Torn liluck. — Don't take any nntico of him, it's only poor Alec MacDeadoye — he's mthei* cantankerou.s Ke nsnd to he commander of this ship, l)ut now he's degrtwled, and he'8 only an ordinary chap like the rest of us, and it preys upm him. MacD. -Preys u}K)n liini ' nao df)ot it does. TIow would von Hkp it yoursel, after lx»ing captain of the ship to step ilown and Ite joost » common member ot the crew < l^om Black. — Well, Alec, you ought to have hocn more civil when Tou xo*re skipper, and tlien, |)erhaps, you'd have bjen in command now. J/of/>.- -Ah I that's it I — Joost because I would na condescend to huml)ug ye, ye turn me oot ! Weel, we<!l, yell get enough humltug before ye're done, and as for the N.P., I'm joost fairlv sick of it. ^//._Oh ! oh : oh : Bfn .^WTT. --MacDeudeye, T would not wisli to Ix* hard on a man that's down, but such sentitnents as yours are a disgrace to tiie ship. Kecit. Butt. —But tell nie who's yon clerk, whose roseate nose IJespeaks a love of beer — or something worse \ Tom BUir.k — That is the smartest clerk in all the House, Sam Snifter. Butt. — Oh that name ! JJemorse ! Remorse I ( Ent^r Sum Snifter.) MADRMiAL, So)n. — The Government clerk Ix)ved the great chieftain's (laughter. He daren't propose, For he could not support her. He sang "' my scanty pay. " A//. — He sang " his .scanty pay." Sam. — The lowly youth For his love did vainly sigh, And spent too much On bitter beer and rye. He sang " my scimty pay. " A/f. — He sang " his .scanty pay " Rkcit. Thanks, gentlenien, for this your kindly chorus, But choruses yield Utile su.stentation ; If you would kindly get my y«/^/ increased, That would indeed be genuine consolation. ' JhiU (asiilf)— 1^«**''' ""*^ "''^ 'y """** ^**^ '''^ conRolatioii. ^//.--Yefl, y«;M ; oM rye must !.»• liis couHoIatioii. Towi Black.— Wwi, my tlear fellow, you uiv /ou anil.itious. You nm't exjM'ct tlie Captain's aau^litvr to look favoml.ly on a tliinl cIusm clerk in the sealini; wax (|e|>»rtiuciit. Mnrl)en<lri/e. li'ye'd ony ]><'ilitickal iiilluonrc. iioo, there luijjht l.p a I'hanee for ye ; hut, the raj.taicis i f such eraft as ours doii'i K'v** oiiything away iinlesa they «et souu- voUk for it. i4// (recoiling). -Shiinie ' Hhanic ' Sum. It's straii>j<' that the dauyht^-r of a ni;ui who eoniinan(l5 .H M.S. *' rarliauient" may not h)ve auotlu who i.s in the .same sei- vicp,althou}:;h in a huuihle eaiwity. For man in this groat au.l glorious country may ris»- to any position - (/ /<«'.'< ouli/ <j(>f vlinnk raouijh. M<icl)m>ht/^.- Ah ; mon, cheik's a grand tiung If I'd had mair clieck [ might ha^e Iwen Captain still. Tom lilack.- MacDem'.eye, I «lon't want folic hard on a man who has .seen hcttcr davH ; hut such a scntinunt as that is enough to mak« an honest politician shiulder. Jien Jiurr.- Wwtwv. WW gall.inc Captain approa<dics--" ///•/«</ on thf hniuinet "--J mean, let us greet him as ho gr«uit a diieftaiu desurv**. (Enter Caj'tciin). — C'lieers. SoNc. — (ti/if. jfiicA. Capf.- I am the ('aptain of the " rarliament." ^^/.— And a right good Captain /ir. Co jit. — You'ie veiy, very gooil, And be it \mdei-stood I've a large majori^fv. All. — We're very, very gocnl. And he it underst^jod He's a large niajori/-«<'. Cupt. — In debate I'm never slatk, llowe'er the foe attack ; And I'm good at repar^^f, 1 never, never say A thing that's not O.K. Whatever the tt'mptjttion In-. ,|//.__.\Vhat : never i C<ipt. — No ; never. j/^._-What! nei-er f ('apt. — Hardly ever. J//. — Wliat he says is always rpiite O.K. I Then giv« three cheers to show our sentime?<< For the truthful Caj.tain of the " Parlia//jen^" l( I t « n Capf. — I do my Ix'st to siiti.ifv you all. A/l. — But some of us are utd <!Oiitent. Capt.— \'\\ anticipate your wisln-H, And H0<3 Hotn»' loavHH ami tisliea Ai*«" scrvotl out to t!u» nuilcoiitt'nt. y|//. _II,.'I1 nntiri|»iit«' o\ir n% IsIm-k, And Ht'«> Honie loaves and fislu's Arc served out to the nud<'t»nt«'nt. f Ml mil tltflr liamU rcjoiriny.) ('apt. The position which 1 till Al)use I Me\t r will Whatever the enjer^cnf»'»'. Corruption is a thiu<^ 1 detest like anythinj; — And it never has been «'harg<»d to me. j//__\Vhat! never { Capt. (contid<'ntlv). — No ; n«ivr. .4 //.-"What: NKVKU f C(i)»t. — Well, viri/ .•«hloin. Xll. — Very seldom Iihs been charjijed to he, Then give three cheers to sliow oui- sentiment For the moral Captain of the " Parliament.' (Ej'nmit all hut Ccpl'tin.) Hk< IT. (Kilter Hutterlmn.) hatt. — Sir, you seem anxious ; the sad ex[)ression of your engaging countenance denotes a more tlian common .sorrow. Here, take a doughnut. C'rt/)<. -Thanks, Mrs. liutterl.un. Vcs, I am anxious. The fact is that our j)arty has of late shown signs of weakness — they've such large appetites, the jiuldic manger scarcely can contain sutlicient fodder to sujiply them nil ; added to thi;?, our great Financier, the party's hack bone,*has lately seemed inclini^d to put his l>ack up ; and so to hind more closely to my cause, 1 liad agreed to wed hiiu to my daughter . hut sad to say, she doesn't seem to haukej- after him. Butt. '\\\ '. poor Sir Samuel ; t-iit no <louht a uian like him, who \inderstands all about tlitxs will .soon be able to convince your child That 'tis her duty to obey lu>r Ta. UiH see, here comes your daughter. 1 go. Farewell: ' (KjiL) C(7>^ (looking aft 'I hcii— Her doughiuits -ire <lclicious. (Takes a ))ite.) ( Kiitff AiKjtflina. ) •m 10 liALL.vn — A iKjeliiKi. Sorry her lot wiio gives li«*r heart To a young man who can't support hor ; Whose hopes of advancement are sadly dark For lack of interest in the ri^'ht (piarter. ( )h ! if that bonus they'd only give, Hoi)e woidJ have souiethiiig whereon to live. Sad is the fate of a third-class clerk Who loves his chieftain's only daughter ; No wonder the poor fellow shirks his work, And di'owns his grief in whisky and water. Oh ! if that bonus they'd only give, Hope would have something whereon to live. C(ipt. — My child, J grieve to see you are still pensive. When I left you Sir Samuel's budget speech to read, 1 hoped it would liave cheered you ; in fact that it would have sent uj) your depressed spirit* as it has done everything else. Sir Satnuel would be grieved to see you a prey to melancholy, aiul you know he will be here presently to claim your promised hand. Angel.— Ah ! paj)a, your words cut mn to tlie quick. I e.steem '\n(l venei'ate Sir vSamuel, for he is indeed a wonderful man, and there must be a tender ])lace in the chest >i (I should say the bosom) of everyone for the gi'eat inventor of the N. P. ; bui, alas ! my heart is given to an- other. Capt. — Given ? horror I Not to one of the Opposition? Angel. — No, )>apa , do not think so meanly of your daughter ; but, oh ! })ity me ! for he is but a humble clerk in this very house. Gapt. — Great Caesar ! a common clerk. Angel, (spiritedly^. — Not a common clerk, i)apa ; there are Ht> common clerks in Government employ. Capt. — True, my child ; but still — yet, stay, (eagerly) has he any political influence ? Angfil. —Alas ' no, paj^a. If he had, he would have been a Deputy Head, at least, by this tinte. Capt. — True. Angel. — 13ut I assu'-e you. dear Papa, he is juost accomplished — he ^noves in the very best circles — he danc(.'S diviutly, and he sings comic songs in a way that would bring teais to your eyes. (Hese»'ohingly.) Oh ! Papa, with your interest, who kn-nvs what he might rise to? Capt. — No doubt a young man who can sing comic sorigs in the way you dascribe would rte very useful to the party. But come, my child ; you know how iniportant it is that I should consolidate our interests hy attaching Sir Saunu'l lirnilv to us, and surely you woiild not let a mere sentimental objectiou staid in the way of so noble an object. ^^^T^'p^PTTr^oRnp^rawK:- 11 Aiujei — Oh ! 1 have thor.glit of tins :— but tear not, Pajta; i know well hew important it '\h for the interests of the (ronntry that we should re/main in power, and though my heart HhouM bicak, 1 will never hetmy my love. Besides, he has only ^400 a year ! Capt. — My noble-miMded daughter! — but see, jjeie comes Sii Samuel surrounded by the admiring ring of Ministers and Senators, who Attend him in fiis journeys throughout the country in search of tlie great Boom. Aiigel (looking off). — But, dear Pajju, the Seuatoi-s are all dressed like elderly ladies ! — why is this ? Capt. — That, my dear, is to enable the audience to recognize thorn. But retire, my chilil, and take with you tliis last speech of Sir Sanuiel's on the sugar question, so that you may be able to compliment him on his latest elo(juent utterance. Antjel. — My dear unsophisticated Pa I (Exit Angelina.) (Eater Sir Samuel, MiriMtevti, Memhers, Snifter, Mac Deadeyca n<t Chiyrns. J Barcarole. \j\i froju St. John. N. B., Comes Sir Samuel Sillery, K.M.CJ. Wherever he nmy show, Up, up the prices of all things go. Shout 1 for the great N. P., And Sir Samuel Sillery, K.M.(f. Chorl's of Memuers. We sail the Ship of State, And gallant iVlembei'S we are, We're ready in debate, And (piite devoid of fe-«r. Our foes may rail, but they can't prevail Against our nmjori^f«, And we'll have the sway for many a day, All along of the great N. P. Capt.— JSovf. let us all give three-times-three For Sir Samuel and the great N. P. ! Hooray ! Song. — Sir Samuel. Vm Sir Samuel Sillerce, Inventor of the great N.P., Who.se praise Canadians loudly sing. Jiiininters.— And we are the Ministe»-H who form his little ring. ( Jiepeat. ) ■Itt 12 .Sir Saml—VJ\\en in Couiiril I jMt'.siile, My l)osom swells with pride. For 1 sec price's rising for almost cvorythinij. Ministrrs. — Anil so tlo the Ministers who form liis Utth- ring. /^Ir SainL—V>\\t if wages don't rise too, I fear J shall look (piite K'lue, And seek the setliisioii wlneh private life will bring. M!iilii(e):'i.--\nCi so wdl the >!iuisters wh.j form his little ring. S<»N(i. — Sir iSamiiet. When T was a lad, in the year '3J, T was eiiiU'd hoy in a drngirist's store ; I washr-d out the Lotties and 1 rolled the pills, And 1 ilnnned the patients for their little hills. I washed ont tlu; l»ottles so oarefulA.^ That now 1 am a Minister and K.M.Ci. Chornii. — He wasJied out the hottlo.s, etc. As errand hoy I n)!ide snch a mark That they gave me the post of dispensing olerk ; I mixed up medicines and pills so l)luc, And ])asted tlie lahels on the Lotties too. I pasted on the lahels so ♦•areful/f'^, That now I am ii Minister and K.M.G. ChoriM. — He pasted on tin; labels, etc. As disi>ensing clerk 1 made such a name That a partner in the firnj J soon be<'ame : 1 jtresi-rilied for my customers' little ills, And totted up the totals of their yearly bills. I totted up the totals in a way so free, That now 1 am a Minister ami K.M.d. CZ/ornx. — He totted up the totals, etc. At totting uj) totals I made «;uch a pile, That I thought into politics I'd go for ii while ; I talked about figures so very glib/<?r. That they thought a great fniancier 1 n)ust sui-ely \x}. 1 talked about ligures in a way so free. That now 1 am a Minister and K.M.CJ- Chorun.— lh^ talked about tignres, etc. 1 13 Now, Gttvennnent clerks, whaU'ver your ilrgree, If you wish to rise to tho top of" tlie tree, If your soul isn't fotttM't'.l to an ortice 8t.<i()l, r»e careful t<. i^e giiideil l»y tliis tjol<U'i) rule : Always tot up your tf)tul.s very careful/^^, And you encli ujav he a Miuistcr and K.M.(i. Chorus. — Always tot up your totiils. etc. Sii' 6'«'//t/. - Vou have a icmarkaMv tine niajoritv here, t'apt. MacA. Cupt. — It itt it fine majority. Sir Samuel. Sir Saml. («'Xaminiiii,' a i-atln-r seedy hxjking jsarty)- A Canadian Member is a splendid fellow, ('apt. MaeA Cnpf.. — lie is indeed, Sir Samuel, That gentleman is from one of our remote consiituetities. Sir Samf.- I ho)>e you treat your crew kindly. Ca]>t. MacA. — give them jdenty of nice little sinecures, and all thai s«»rt of tiling, eh I C(ipt.— V hope ho, Sir Samuel. Sir Savil. — Never forj^et liow much you owe them, Captain MacA., and that they or their friends iiatuvHlly expect to have the preference in anv little matter of contracts, or uivthinir of that sort. Thev never eom|)lain now, eh i i'ajyt. — Never, Sir Samurl. Sir Sa7)tl. — What '. never ! Capt. — Hardly evev. Sir Samuel. Sir Sam/, (looking' lound) — Desire that rennirkaldy tine looking younsk; clerk to step forward. Capf. — Mr. Snifter, Sir Samuel desires to speak to vow. (Sam Snifti^- fi(*jn< fonriu\i / Sir SfiiiiL — Vou are a veiv !i;indscme vounjr nian, ^Ir. Snifter. .SV/n?.-- Ves, Sir Samuel •Nj'r (S'awA— I hop»> vou woik verv hard for the (Jovernment I Sam. — Vej'v hard, Sir Samuel. Sir .Sam/.-— What depattment ai'(» you in ? Sa?n. — The Sealinj; WaN Department. Sii- Sjnuuei. Sir iiaml. — I should like you to e.xplain tome m detail your duties. Sam. — Well, >ir Samuel, I comv every morning pun* tnally at half past nine anil sign the hook. Sir Saml. — \riy u;ood. .\nd tlie)i what do nou do? Sunt. — Then I take a rest, Sir Samuel. >'jV 6'a7w/.— C^nite right — < Jovernment otJioials .sliotild always he citreful not to overwork themselves ; the strain of official duties on the mind is very wearing. What next / iS'am.- Then I i-ead the i)apers, Sir Samuel. 14 Sir .S'am/.— Very proper : (ioverntuent ofticials should always keop Iheinselves acqviHiuted with *he evinits of the day ;— but I trust you Tiever read the Oppcisition jo»irn:ds ] /Sa?/t.--iV«r.''r, Sir Haiiiuel. Sir S'amf.--\yUiitl (stops suddenly) 1 meKU — C^uitt' right.. I prf^ sume you roa«l my budget speeches ? Sam. — Ovcr and ovei- again, Sir Samuel — (aside) over the left. Sir Savil. This is a i inarkably intelligent clerk, Capt. Mar A. ; 1 trust you will keep your e\i> on him. — What do you do next? Savt. (hositJitingly — Then I smoke a pi}>e, Sir Samuel. Sir Saml. (doubttully) -Smoke a pijje 1 — I don't know abovit that S<i7n. (eageijy)-- I smoke Caiuidinn tobacco. Sir Samuel, -1 only do it with a view of encoui-agiug home manufactures. Sir Sumi — Oh ! that alters the case. Our home manufactures mi«»< be encouraged — that's one of the chief features of my National Policy. What is youi- next proceeding ] Sam. — Then 1 yo to lunch, Sir Samuel. Sir Sam/. — Of course ; it is impossible to continre in the jK-rfoini- -ance of such arduous duties without legularity nt nu'als. Well, what next '/ Sam. — Then 1 come back, Sir Sanmel — (aside) sometimes. Sir Scnn/. — Natuj-aily. Well ? .Vrtm.- Then 1 smoke another pii>e, i-Sir Samuel. .S/r*S'n////. (anxiously) — 1 hope this huulable devotion to the further- ance of our National I'olicy has )>o bad ert'eet on your constitution ( Sam. — I do ft'fl ratlier seedy sometimes, Sir Samuel, but the knowledge that I am doing my duty to my coimtry supports me. Sir Saml. — Patriotic voutig man ! such sell .sacritice will undoubt- •e<lly meet its rewanl : afier that, what do you do I Sam. — Then it's Lime to go home, Sir Samuel. Sir Saml. — Of co\n-se. And what salary do you get for th« jfcrformance of these ini[)ortant duties ? Sam. — .?40() a year, Sir Samuel. Sir 6Vt////.— That's a verv liberal salaiv for a vouuj; niai you .save money out of it ? Sam. — Oh I yes, Sir Samuel ; nearly ;?200 a year. Sir Saml. — Dear n)e I How do you manage that I «SVi»t. — By a periodical issue of ])romi.SvSory not«s, Sir Samu»'l. Sir Saml. — (^•uite » financial gtuiius, I observe, Capt. Mao.\. This young man will make his -way in the world. — J see you ai-e a youth of ambition ; tell me, have you any plans mat\ired ? .S'«7n.--Ves. Sir Samuel ; I hope to get an interest in a conti-act wome <lay. Sir Savil. — Very naturally. Sam. — Yes. Sir Samuel ; and then I have an uncle who is a Member, and he is going to get the Government to purcha.se a new ]iatent corkscrew that I have invented. f hope 1.') Sir »S'am/.- A corkscrew '. limn. Jiut would the (jroveriiinput be ul)le to use a suflioient number to make it j)ay i Satn. — Oh ilear, yea, Sir .Samuel ; every clerk would want a new one every day, and then all tlie Members and Senators would take honje boxes full every Session, ahuii; with their stationery. Sir Sarnl. — I aUi deliehted to see, Mr. SnifU^r, that you have fully mastered the details of your dej»artment. ('apt. Mac A., if the crew of II. M. S. " Parliament "' compi'ises many such memhers, the public i«. indeed, to be congratulated. ('apt. — Yes, Sir Samuel. Sir Sa/nl. — For I hold that politics Should be free from any tricks, And be abov.i suspicion in everything. .(// — And so do the Ministers who form his little rini^. ( Ejcnnt C<ipla!n, Sir Samuel aiuf MiniHters. ) Tom Jilack. — Ah ' that's something like a Minister. Vou heard what he said to the captain abcuit ticating us pniperly Sam.. — Yes, ;ind liow kindly he spoke about my patent corkscrew. What's to prevent me from making a nice little j)Ot of money cut ol it, an<l then T can run for some (constituency, and ])erhaps be a Minister n)yse]f some day. 'J hat's how tkey all begin, and why should not I have tlie satue chance as i-nother '{ J/^._\Vell said ' Well said ! Mad). — Hoot I hoot ! did ever onyone hear of siccan a thing ? Why. ye're all a set of coiruptionists, and ought to be ashamed of verse Is. 'J'oin Blach. — Alexander MacDeadeye, if vou go for to infuriate tliis ship's company, f won't answer for holding of them in. What we jiur- jK)se is perfectly legitimate-, and is done by every crew of Her Majesty* ships of State, and vovi know that iust as well as f do ; — w hv. vou did it vourself. J //.—So he did. Sam. — (jJentlemen, my mind's made up. I'll take out the patent for my cork.screw to-morrow, and the tirst opportunity I get I'll tell the Captain's daughter of tlu; fervent love I have for her, and ask her to wait till I get a se%t. What say vou. gentlemen 1 do you aj»prove <>f my determination '< ^//._.\Ve do : we do \ Mad). — [ dotit.' Why its awfu' ' — here's a mlserai)le thir«l-cla.ss clerk talking al>out contracts and patents and getting a seat in the Hoose. 1 ken weel he wouldna have talkeil so when I commanded the ship. 7\nii lUach -What t.v to be done with tlii^ Ix^peless clm)» / To think of liis ninuiu^' down tlio olHcnrs of t!r • ciMft in tliiis way. Su|»- |»o8e, Mr. Snifter, we sin:,' liini tlmt song yon <-i)ni|M»s»'^l in honor of the Hei-vicc ; I'Crhaps it will bring iho poor crfatnrc to a i)ro|tt'r frame oi mind. Vrl.Kl..-~Sii}n Sulf'it'/', 'J'oiii liliick (iiil L'liuriiH. A (lOVtM-ninent clerk is a soarin*; soul. And onirht to he his (•(mntrv s l>ri(U* ; Ho will always he gcntf-el, tho' penhanct' lu' want a meal, And ^erv manv thini-'s heside. Mis nionstaclic should l>e waved, ami his hair should curl ; lie should lift his hat to every girl ; lli.s hoson) shor.ld heave and his hreast |»rotrade, And this should he his customary attitude. Chorus.- in.> moustaehe should Ite waved, etc. The " Hoston "' he should dance with an inhorn graee^ He should skate, toltoj^i^an, and ride ; He never should he met beyond the pro[)er .set, Nor fanuliar be with folks oiilsiile. He should wear kid -rloves. and a cane should twirl, He should break the heart of evei'v girl ; His nos" should curl, and his lip protrude. And this shouKl Ite his customary at.titvide. C/titrKs. ~ He .should wear kid gloves, etc. ( AU fyontt o;ire))t Cfn-k, loho roiinins le.anlii<i (Vftdtinf II liesk ill (I iiu'lancholij u(l!iU'{i\) f En'.er Aiujel'uia.) Aiiije/.- It is useless. Sir 8a)nu'd's attentions bore mo ;- fancy a nian whose idea of making love is U- . xplain the eirect of the duty on raw materials ' And when \ asked him if he had .seen the new at^-p in the " lio.ston." he thought 1 was referring to the movements of the American markets ' (Sees Clork) Sun Snifter/ (overcome by emotion. V iSam. — Ay, lady ; poor Sam Snifter ! AnqeL- And why poor Sam < San\. — I am, at present, lady, rich only in unrest. I cannot settle' to my work. I am peipetually thinking of the la.st time we circled togeth*<r in the mazy '• Boston." Angel, (aside). — Ah, that was a delicious waltz ' «S'am. - -When 1 take my modest cpiencher in the ntorning to allay the fever caused by a sleepless night, it recalls the sweut but exhilarat 17 inj» iipgUH we sipped together ; uud when in the ufternoon I seal thf* office lette"8, my emotion causes me to fh'oj) the hot wax on my hand instead of on the envelojies — see these blistered lingers (extending his hnnd) the ribahts in the othce say it is screwinuss — bnt / know it iir »en inient. Anijel. (looking at his hand). -Poor frllow ' Have you tried arnica 1 .SVi)/>..— Of wliat avail is arnica for a woir)«led lieart f (Aside.) 1 will mak«i the iilunire. Ansieliv.a, voiir love is the only arnica that cf.n cure mv wounds. Atitjd. (indignantly). — Sir ; you forget to wlionj you are speaking. {Asi(U\) Oh! my poor heart. Sam. — No, lady ; I know tO(» well you are my chieftain's daugh-' ter, and I only a humble clerk ; b\it 1 have expectations— -my cork- 8<Tew ! Anyt'l. Sir, I am amazed at your audacity to talk to me of cork- irrewis. i shall begin to think y(»n have been using your corkscrew too much already. (Aside.) Oh I how eloquently he speaks. Sam. — No, haughty lady ; nothing stronger tlian whiskey, I meati water, has pa.s.sed my li[)S to-diiv. I have spoken, and I await your answer. Anytl.- \'cMi shall not wait long. Your proffered love 1 haughtily n-ject. <to, sir; and leain to cast your eves upon some nuiiden in your own rank ; they .should be lowereil belore youi chieftain s daughter. Duett. — Clerk an>l Angdhw. Aiiijel. Uefiain, audacious ^-onth, You're too assuming, And on my condescension Ai'e presuming. Vou aro a humble clerk Who .seals the letters, And I the \ery best Of all your betters. (Aside.) If cruel fate, my love J J id not look cross on, We'd glide through life in one Delicious "Boston." Sam. — Proud lady, cease , refrain My hopes to crumble ; 1 know that, like " Uriah Heep." I'm 'umble ; 18 But still, like him, I love My master'* dwughi'^r, AUliougli I'm <}uite awsuo 1 lUUii't ougheer. (Exit Angelina.) (Asule.) I»e8pite the haughty way The lady snubs me, I liavo a strong sr.Mpicion That she loves me: r;i put it to the test— (railing oil) My friends, my friends, Come here, come here ! (Euirr Members, Clerkx, MaelJeiuleije, tto.) All Ay, ay, my lad. What cheer ]- what cheer f Now tell us, pray Don't stop, don't stop ! What did she say ? Did you pop ? — did you pop I Ham. — The maiden made an awful fuss. And down my fondest liopes did lumhle ; She said I was a cheeky cuss, And that I'm veiy much too 'umble. ^//, — The stuck-up thing ! MacD. — She spurns your suit — it's j)roper fpiite ; It sairvc' you right — it saii-ves you right. *Su>»,. (tiiking a large iuk-l)ottle from the desk) — My frientls, my friends, my heart is breaking. With poison now my life I'm taking ! When I am gone, oh ! prithee say He died in the genteelest way. AIL (turning away weeping). — With poison now his life he's taking, For oh ! his faithful heart is breaking. When he is gone we'll surely say. He died in the genteelest way. ^Sim. (uncorks the bottle). — Be warned mv comrades all. Who love ill rank above you, For Angeline I fall. (lifts bottle to liis moutk) 19 Arifffif. (rusliing in) - Ah ! stay your lmn<i — I lovo you ! All. — Ah ! fiUiy your htnd — ahe loves you ! tSavi. — (incredulously) — Loves me I Angel. — I^oves you ! jlll^ — Yes, yes- ah ' yes, she loves you ' r Duri/Hj thin, MaelJeadeife hdg Uiken the bottle from Clerk ; lie tmelU it, then tastes it. Pantomine.. j MacD. — Why. it's whuskey ! — did ever ony one see sic deception t It's nnfu' had- -T mean the dectsit, not the wiiuskey ; (takes another ■drink/ ' Ensemble. — Sam, Mcmlnin, Clerk anti Angelina. This denouement was quite foreseen, Thougli .some may think the lady green ; Upon the stage, of course, you know, Such scenes like this do always go. And lover.*- fond unite. But when the honeymoon is o'er, » , J. I our ) , And poverty comes to -j ^j^^ j^. ■ door, Instead of kisses, vows and smiles, And lovers' usual tender wiles, ( we'll ( Of course I they'll j scold and tight. Atujfll. — This very night, Sam. — At half-past eight, 7'om lilat'k. — Just while the House lien Burr. — Is in debate, «S'am.— From I he gallery Angel. — 1 soft will steal. Savh.—To " Alhan's ' (Church Angel. — We swift will go, Tom HhiK -A clergyman, Jien Burr. — For woe or weal, Angel. — Will make us one ; Sam. — And then we can ^»Y/e/.— Return, for none Sani: — Can part us then. All. — This very night, etc. For tlie Government clerk is a soaring soul, And ought to be his country's pride, 20 In Hpite of low «U'gre(>, by cheek lie wins, you sw, The lady for his biide. He will wear kid gloves, and a cane will twirl, His raouHtache will l>o waxed, and his hair will curl, His back will ourve, and hia chest protrude, And </«> will bo his customary aUitude. (Kmbracing the lady.) (Cnrtinn.) ACT II. ScKNt:.— Ternice outside the Parliament Buildings— moonlight, ('apt, MacA. discovered gazing at the moon, with hurdy-gurdy (prac- ticable handle) slung round his nock. He advances to the footlights and addresses the audience. (Juj)t. — Ladies and gcMitlemon, according to receiv«>d tradition, I ought to sing this song to the accompanin\ent of a " guitar " or '• Laandolin," or some s»u;h romantic instrument, but, tmtortunately, my musical education has been somewhat neglected, and 1 prefer this sort of thing ; (turns handle) you see it reminds me of my oM politic il exercises. SoNcs.— L'ftjdain. Fair moon, 1 don't intend To call thee " Ifeaven's bright regent," Though that would be, I know, Strictly according to ])rccedent. T merely wished to say Things are in awfui muddle, And that I quite foresee Ahead, a j)recious ]>eck of trouble. For now Sir iSamuel snlks, because His flame of love my daughter quenches. And threatens straightway to «lesert Unto the Opposition benches. And so, fair moon, I sing. These little facts to mention, A nd let my audience know This WHS my sole intention. (Kuler Mrs. Butterlwv.) ■ Butt. (ii*itlt) — All ' luTC is* llio cjiptiiiu. II.' Hecius in a Msuli mental u o<xl — now is the time to piosH him for thut ajtpoiiitnu'nu ho proiniBt'd me. (Aloml.) (Jooil eveiiinj,', «h^iir < ';i);tain. 6'a/><. -Mrs. l^itterlmii ! uiul out of the Ilouho at this time ? This '\H not ^i^ll^, my ^ood lady ; Sir Suuuiol is now on his le^s, uii<l von know how hourso he gets nnlrsH ho has some of your orangftH to Nuck. Why. yon might he the meiins of spoiliu;^ one of his |[^n'atost ♦■(Torts, and think whitt a loss tiiat wonUl he to the eoimtry. lUitt. — Trne, dear ('ivi»tiiin, hut 1 wuH ho anxious to speak to yon alxmt that appointment the Sessioji is already far advanced, and yon know yon promised. Capt. (petti.shly)— Of eourse I [iromised, w<! always do ; hut how can von expect nio to anything mor»> than promise, when J have at least a dozen applicants for every post likely to Iw- vacant, (AHide.; And r have promised them all. Bait, (chujige of jnannei ) Ah ! I nnderstjind. Yon think yonr promises to the poor apple woman may I'o broken with impunity, hut howare ! \ J have intlnenee ' Many jM embers owe me for refresh- ments ! (Pulls out memorandujn hook, and jioints to it roelodra- maticallv) I can hrin;; pressure to beai- <>u them — there is fUvngei ahead 1 Capt. - Danger ) llntt. — Ay, danger ' Wo |>repiire(I. Dl'KT. < /></^/ Thing !ire seldom whit they seem, Power will pass away like dream ; <Jnee, not nuiny yours iii^'o. StuUU lily yini out liitl go. t'opt. (reHtcti\ely).—- Ves, 1 know 1 did K<». Jii'ii. — Constituencies are often tiekle Wlien you cciise their cars to ti<;klo : ( )n a very slijiht pretence Meuibers vhi'MJiimp' the. J'tin'f. (\(pf. (sadly). — Very true, 8o they do. I',(i't — Tiiough the syioiis you may divide Some must bt^ dissatisfied ; Then majorities we see Dv\ indie to minori^er. (!(' t. — Yes, / knov That is so. 29 f^apt. (aHJilo).— I Kill (liiiikinjj, I am Hiinkinj;, This yood liidv's lieiMi a tliiiiking, Sotiu'thin^ strung Iimh hww udi inking. ^utl. (aside). - Capt. Jiutt.- CapL- Butt.- Capl.- ^«<W. (».ij:;nilicantly).- Ihitf, (asidc).-- -If« is thinking', ho is thinking;, I'hat I ninst huvf hecii ii driuKing, Somi'thinj^ strong havn hfiMi adrinkinj?. - YcH, T know 'I'hat is so. -In t.hif* misty stylo I'm clovor, And could liilk like that foruver, To constituents, you know. We are always talkinjj so. — Very true, •So you do. -" If relative or friend h:is need At th« imblio rack to f(;ed, Vote for US ; you may de|i(Mid Wu will hiitisly youi- friend." Yes, I know Vou talk so. -But wlien we'i'e in, wlij' then we say, "Call again another day, Just now nothing can he done;" Then they grund)lo, and look glum. Ves, I know That is .so. -Thoufrh he tliinks I'm only fooling, I'll dissembUi, I'll dissemble ; Wlien he sees the v/ires I'm pulling, He will tremlde, he will trond)le. Bvth.-^ When he ^^oes ) ,, . f I"in | ,,. When I .see / ^'"^ '''''^ \ she's J 1'"""'^ He will ) . ,, f he will \ ^ I shall I *'"''"^^'^^' ; ( I shall / ^^•^'"^^''^- JJut meajxwhile ] must disscnd>]e. Yes, I know That is so. { UkU Jhitt., trafiically. /' ■ 13 Capt. r bpRiii'to ft'iu' tlir* oM latly may I* <ling«'rouH ; I know ■be luiH I good niiiny iiiotniiers od her hooks. I muHt try and think, of ■oniotliing to koep \wv (piii^t — K't nio 8«'o — there will prohahly he u Sena iorKJii]) vacant soon ; HuppoHe 1 |ironiist> her that- f)r Htay ; a thought •trikes nie ; I will offer her thi^ Ins|»e(;t()r.shi|> of the C<»teau Itridgo, as noon UH we hav»' tieciiletl to hiiihl it ; that will give ine plenty (»f time to look uhont me. Alas! dangers rnidti|»ly in every direction. ( Enter Sir fiamuel.) Sir Su'id. -('ajttaiji INlueA.. I am greatly <Us!i|»)toInte<l. not only with yoiir danghtei-, hut with you ; 1 am afraid I shall hav(< to gt> over to tlio other side. Capt.-- A an> .sorry to hear that, Sir Samnel, *S'jV Sauil.- The faet is, that although I have paid great attention to the youii^' l^dy, and havr read to her several of tny 'iiest 8p(M>che«, ulie doe.s nf>t seeuj niueh impi'oshed — sh«< actua''y went to sh'ep in th« middle of them ; but this is noi all — worse rtMuain.s hehind I ! Capt.~- a ood heavens ! Sir Sanniel yoti alarm lue. Sir Satnl. — Sh»' ahu med ?>/,c. Why, after I had explained to ht^r Hi great length, and with my usual perspieuity, tho exa.t working of the N.P., slie uetMully said, "Oh, hother the N.P. '" IJothkr tiik N.P. ! ! Surely, Captain Mae.A., slic lias never lieard you k; eak disres pectfullv of my N.l*. J Capt. ~\ am overwhelmt-d with ania/enu-nt. ^'ir Samuel, f cannot conceive the possibility of any sane person saying •* hother the N.P." (aside) though, possihly, tie N.P. may hother them. Sir Sunif. — How, the*, do you tiecounr, for this extraordinary eon- dtict i Capt. — I can hardly .say, Sir Sanmel. She i.s a very modest girl, and it may he that vo'Ji' mas.sive intelh'ct daunts her. Sir San if.— That is very prohahle ; hut what would you suggest ? Capt.— W(dl, Sir Saniucl. if you would kindly descend somewiiat U> hor mental level, ami talk to her of more trivial matters, — the little gos.sip of SiH'iety, the latest marriage in high life, the (Jlengarry caps that 3'oung ladies wear now, or .something of that sort, — or if you would condescend just to try a few .steps of tin; "' l>oston " with her <»ccasionally, — .she uld then see tliat you wen^ mortal like hi r.self, and, 1 am .sure, wo,. id yield at discretion. Sir Saml. — It {)t a great condescension, still 1 will adopt your suggestion. And, sre, she is hero — let us withdraw and watch our opportunity. '' Ii< fim up stajje. ) (Enter Angelina. } Anjf.l. (i( nfidentia''y to aud'en -e) — Tl ii is a scma. and I otight, ■•■■ 2t by rights, to .sing it ; but leally, yon know, some of the notes are ■• awfully high that 1 knom T shouUl m/aeifl, so I think I had hotter express my feelings in a solihxjuy. ( ^trik'\s an attltiLilr a it " llainUl." ) To elo|»e, or not to elope : that is the question. Whether 'tis wiser to endure 8ir Sanniel, And put up with his slow and ]>rosy ways, Or to holt oil this evening with n»y Snifter, And, marrying him, to end it 1 To elope ! To marry 1 And, marrying hiiu, to have a |)artner Always on haml to dance tlie •' Boston" with me : 'Twere a consummation dovoutiv to be wishetl. To elope, to matry, to marry, ay ; there's the rub. For, if we marry, what have we to live on, I'^nless papa relents, and raises Snifter's salary ? There's the lespect that so long makes the maid Knduie a single life ; for who would tread The long and dreary road of spinsterhocul. i3iit for the dread that matrimony biings Of d"bts and duns, and babies without »Mid. 'T'u .ed di-e.s.ses, and empty pockets, lint, .^oft — here comes Sir Samuel. Sir Sanil. — Madam, it has been represented to me that you are ap- ]>alled by my massive intellect. Anyel. — Well, Sir Samuel, you urt rather hca/iy tSir Sand.-— ileixxy I I don't quite anderstanil ! AufjeL- -I mean your intellect. Sir S.unuel. Sir JSaniL — (Mi ! yes, 1 see. (Aside.) Of course, she means ints j${ve ; the poor girl does not understand these niceties of ex[>ression. Angel, (aside) — Don't she, though] Sir SaniL —\f this is the case I ilesin; to express to you, r?/(oHicial- ly. my Avillingnes.s to descend occasionally to your mental level. Angel.- — You are exceeditjgly condescending, Sir vSamuel. Sir Sanil. — Of course, it must be distinctly understood that these descents are to be confined strictly to the ])rivacy of our domestic circle ; in public, if you are unable to gnisp the fidl meaning of any remarks, as is most pi-obuble, you must listen attentively, and when wi^ are alouw tog' thcr 1 will ex{)lain them to you. Angtl. (enthusiastically) -This is, indeed, an entrancing prospect you hold out to me. (Innocently.) ihit does ainjintr ('v<'i- fully grasp the fidl lorco of your reniarks, Sir Samuel ( Sir Saml. -Wn-y few, indted I Angel. — So 1 should think, Sir Samuel. i 25 Sir iSamf. (aaiile) — There is a ^ood deal of sound common sense ia thi« younfi; lady, even if she is not very brilliant. (Aloud.) I am given to understand that you are particuliirly j>artial to a dance which they call the " Baltimore," or the "Philadelpiua," or some such name f Angel. — Oh ! yovi mean the " Boston" ! Oh yes, T dote npon it. Sir SamL — In that case, if you are ((uitc sure there is no ou« looking, I shall have no objection to descend to a little " Boston." Angel. — But crm you dance, t^ir Samuel 'I Sir Sand. — The nuw who could invent tlie N.P. is mpahlf of anyiKing. Angel. — But, Sir Samuel, you dcui't dance with yoni- IntcUect, yon <)i>nce with your leg$. Sir Saml. — It is the same thin*;. Angel, (aside, looking at his lej^s) — At any rate, his legs are m4 (vary, are or are not, according to legs) very massivi,'. whatever his intellect may bo — however, we can but try. (Aloud.) Come, Sir Samuel, I am i-eady. ( Daiicf. tim '' Jioxton '" ii-dicrousiii hndly.) Angel, (aside) — He little thinks how he has contirmed mj wavering resolution — to think of going tiirough life with a man who can't dance better than that ' (Aloud.) Sir Samuel, T illd hesitat*^, Init r will hesitate no longer. (Captain haa f.ntertid (Ik ring ilda speech — he comes down.) Tkio. Citpt. — Never mind the why and wherefore, Angtdina consents, and then^fore. Though Sir Samuel's fond of prosinu'. And his N. P. is a bore. Though he sets the house a-tlozing Whene'er ho liolds the flooi . Ijiith. — Set the meri-y bells a-rirging, ll(nid the air witli Wiirbling wild. For the union i)f Sir Saiiuu'l With tilt chieftain's lovely child. Capt. -- For a (.Iiieftaiu's duteous daughter ; Angel. — For a chieftain's sinijde daughter ; Sir Saml. — For a chi(!ftain's lo>ely daughter ; AivjeL~~Ax\^\. a clerk not fond of water. lUH 26 A'tV,S'(jW — Never nund tlio wliy .•ui.I wherefui-e, Angoliiu; co)isents, and tlierefore, Though Jier iiitellfot's but slender. And I fear slip's frivilo«,y, Yet T think she's }pung and tendor. And I might have done nincli nnm] Both. - - Set the merry bells, etc. Angel.- Both.- -Never mind thcr why and wlierefore, Angelinc^ consents, and therefore, Though they both are quite mistaken, And 8ir Samuers not the man ; To tJieir error they'll awaken When they see the otlier Sam. »Set the merry b<;lls, etc. Capt.-^\r Samuel, T cannot express my delight a( the hapnr n^ult of your expenment-your daneir.g was irresistible, f had uo Idea you could cut such a fu/ure in the mazv waltz iiir ,W..~Oai.t.. MacA.. it would be a strange thing if a Finane.- Minister of my standing cotdd not cut •Af.jnre in anvthincr f E.vlt Sir Samuel.) Vapf..- At length I can see mv way clearlv. Bv the aid of mv danghter Sir Samuel will be firndy bound to n.e ; a few fat inocurTJ judicious y <listributed will conihu. the waveiers ainl if t he ""oom '' ouly continues a little longer, I shall be secure. ( Durin;/ this Macl)tndi:>/e hia entered.) J/ac/).— Captain ! ! 6V^^(recoiling)_MacI)t!adeye ! You here i Ah wTlJneour'f T"/' ""T ""'^""■^^ things, don't n llut this lime 1 lome out of kindnes.s, 1 waiit to tdve y on wanung randan Yn'V""^' . ? '" are surely not going to open up another oil Aa- \ ''''' ''"'^'■'"^' --iny more fe.tferso/ vn.e, h^v, ou "f (Lvinces great terror.) ' you ( You mistake niv ii.cining, Iist<'n Drr.T. ion, i/r/.-i;.-Great Chieftain. I've iu.portant infornnitic... Sing hey ! the very awful piece of work. ' About a certain intimate relation, t^ing hey ! your artful (h^ughter and the clerk ' ^^^^^'' '^1'^ ''rtful. r.rtfd .•au,d,ter a .d the clerk: 27 Vapt. — MacDeiidoyt', in connundrmDs yni i.rf s|»»'rtfcin«^ And keeping mo untirely in thr dink ; The answer to tlieni vainly I am seeking, Sing hey ! the artful daugliter antl tluj clerk ' Jiuth. — Tiie vei-y artful daughter and the clerk '. MaclJ. — CJreat Chieftain, yonr young danghtt-r i.^ a trying Her engagement with Sir Sanniel to hurk— She means this night with Snifter to l)e Hying . Sing hey ! your artful daughter aiul the cie't-k : Bc(h. — The very urtfuf daughter and the clerk ' Capt. — INIacDeadeye, you ha\e given tiin.My warning, The obligation I'll not try to .sliirlc ; I'll talk to Master Snifter in the morning, Sing hey ! tin; sack I'll give to that young clerk !: Both. — The very artful daughter and' the clerk !. Cape. — MacDeadeye, I thank you for your warning , I will at once take measures to ari-est their lliglit this will aff«M-d me ample ooncealtnent — no one trill be able to se'.' tliroiujh this ! (Lets fall a sheet of white, caliro on which is painteJ th^ vw</.s ''Ministerial rolict/." Uohl^ it up before him.) Mad), (aaid.')- -Ha : ha ! he don't s^m^ 013- little game. I've ♦'iven Sir Samuel notice, and he'll drop on them just at tin- nick of time T and •when he sees the Captain here he'll thiidc he's in tli.« j.lot too, and then le'll come over to our aide ot the hoose ! How's thnt for a conspiratty f ^ Enter Snijter, Anf/eliivi, /in'frrbn,)., ClerLf. tie. Captain (if bar/.-, sbro-'.fe,/, )intK>tieed. } Ex,si:MBi.r. Carefully on tiptoe stalking, Moving gently as ve may ; While Sir Saiiniel is talking, We will softly steal a\\;iv. Alt. (alarmed)- Goodness, mo ! I hei'r them come ; .l/a<-/>.— Silent be, It was the " Hum." ( I'roniboHf note. J (Here the c:rcer of a maf/i ■ hnit^-ia nrranrjed at f'infjs or in front, so ok to throvj the shadouf of a lart/e " /iaf' on the back scene, is withdrawn,, the f (jure of the " bag " is s'en at bark.) 28 All. — Yes, yes ; iL was tlie '• Hum," Capt. --Thoy'vo right— it is a " lliim," (Povitinij la liiiii) All. — Call a sleigh — the fare's a quart jr, >>Vi/«. (fe< liiig|t<)ckets) — Yes, but who'll d my the tare ? All.-— Vox- a clergynijur is ready To unite the ha|)i>y l»air. All. Goodness me, I hear them come ; J/rtc/A— Silent be, Again the " Hum." All. — Again it was that " Hum," CVfjO/".- -They're right, it is a hum. ( Tiomboae nolf ) Capt. funco\ering)---Hold ! ( Shaduic as he/'oit. ) (All stitrt.) Capt. — Silly daughter ot mine, I insist upon knowing What vou may be doingwith this Government clerk. For these oflicers ot mine, though highly respec-table, Are scarcely fit company, my daughter, for you. Cfto^rn." of f '/r/-/..v. — Now, hark at that, do. Though highly respeeta't.U We're scarcely fit company for a lady like you. Saiii: — Proud Pre-mie-er, that haughty lip uncurl. Vain man, suppre.ss that supercilious sneer. For I have dared to love your matchless girl, A fact well known to all my comrades here. •(Jopt. -CUi .' Jiorror '. DuKT. — ClerL and Ait'jiUna. Yes < , a humble third class clerk. )he) Who's chief employ is sealing letters, Forced to such pooi-, degrading work By those whom fate has made , ' betteis. •^ ( his j Have I , , . . j my ) ,r . dared to rise , .- - wormv eves Has ) I his ) • - Above the sphere to which voud mould •, , . * ' ( linu In manhood's glorious ))ride to rise. ,r a Liv-il-i-an, behold , , . He Ls ' I Inm HIM 29 Chorug. — Ke is a Civ-il-i-an, For he himself hath s'lii.l it, Ami it's greatly to his credit Tliat he is a Civ-ili-an , For he might have heou a Draper. A Grocer or a Baker, Or perhaps a Hardware man. But in spite of all temptations To other occn])ations He remains a Civilian. Hurrah ' hurrah ! For the GovernJiient ('iv-il-i-an. An</p.L — Dearest papa, lo not l>e angiy, nv<> oidy canw out tfv ]ist<?n to the " Hum." ( \ipt. — The Hum t Angel — Yes, r.apa, the " Hum," you know, of tlie N.P.— it is to. I..' lu-ard very plainly in the cvcMiing at this time of year. (Utpt. — (in a passion). Oh, this is too thin— lilow the Hum and the y.r. too ! \[acJ).—\h-.\v : h<'ar ! bii.w the N.P. ,4//._Oh : oh : CllOKUS. Did yo\i lu^ar him { did ymi hear him I Oh ! the n)onster overbearing ! Don't go near him I don't go near him ! He is swearing ! lie is swearing ! He " blowed " the N.P.— he •' blowed ' Yes, he " blowed " the N.P. the N.P.— (During this .S'tr Sumviil has ei<ti',>'<l n,/<f rotne^i ilovm.) Sir Samf. —yiy pain and my distress. I find it is not easy to e.\ press ; To abuse my great N.P. Is a thing incomju-ehensible to mo. ^>y,/._Sir Sauniel, one v/ord — The tacts are not before you ; The word was injudicious I allow ; But hear my explanation T im[)lore you, And yo)i will be indignant too, 1 vovv. Sir Sam/. — l will hear of no defence — The e.vpression was too awful — T 'piestion very much Jf it was not unlawf\d. HUB Kot many days from hence I inoniise that yon shall .see What is the consec|uence Of thns speaking of the N.P, ^4//. This is the const'(|ueiu'e ( )f thns sjieaking cf the N.P. *>lr Sluii.I.-Fov ril teach yon that the great N.P. Mnst l/<' sjtoken of resj)ectful/<?e, And always be regarded a.s a sacred thin^^. 0/toitfs.~- -Ami so say the Ministers wlio form his little ring. etc. etc. (Captain retires back of stage.) Sir Savil. — (Jomc here, my worth}' young man, — for you ar^avery ■worthy young man. I am sure .,•".„ iJlerk. — Very much so, Sir Samuel. Sir Saml. — How came your chitf so far to forget himself as to use *uch hornble language '< (]ie.rk.--U was in this way : You see, Sir Samuel — I am only a third-class clerk • Sir Saml. — -Don't ln' asliamed of that ; you may rise. You will probably scarcely believe it, bui I myself Wiis at one time in a compar- jitively humble positio?» :--The force of genius, Mr. Snifter — the force ■of genius ! Clerk. — Exactly so. Sir Samuel - that is just what T .said to Angelina. Angelina, I sai.i. Sir Samuel has risen to the top of the tree, and why xbould not I / ' Sir Sainl — Sto|> — Angelina? 1 don't ({uite comprehend — To whom <lo you .ilhuhi v Clerk. — To the c:if»t;iiu's daughter — We love each other, Sir Samuel ! She is the seal which has stamped an indelible impression on the wax of wiy heart ! — (rush to (^ach other's arms.) ^ll. — A very pietty simile ! Sir Sarnl.- -\Vn\ indeed .' — Insolent subordinate ! you shall feel the consequence of putting 7n,e in a tvax. Let the Sergeant-at-Arms arrest thia insubordinate clerk instantly. (Sergeant-at-Arms arrests him.) Clerk. — A moment ago you said I was u subordinate — now you say I am insubordinate : This is another specimen of Ministerial inconsis- tency. A7r »y«/«/.-- Away with him I Captain MacA., have you such & thing as a cell^ a dungeon cell — in this building ? Gapt.~i)\\ dear .' yes, Sir Samuel — the whole institution is a aerie* of »dh, in fact the lohole concern w one tjiganlic fell .' Sir Saml.- Thv.n cell him at once. AfacD.Wfi, as he has sold a mony mair in his time. mam mm • 31 OcTi/rr AND Ciiouis. Clirk. — Farewell, my own An-ge-li-iia, fan; well ; This is, 1 own, An extremely awkward f'fll. Anyel. — Oh, weie it known Who it was j)a did tell. He should atone To nie fcr this horrid xcU. air Savii. — Th(! sack, the sack, I'll give to this clerk so fell, And he'll confess That it is indeed a sefl. MacD. — If he gets the sack. And loses his love as wt-U. It will, in fac' Be a terribly awkward xdl. Ihitt. — But, when is known The secret I have to tell, All will be thrown On their beam ends ov t'- ' sell. Sir Sdini — Angelina, J can hardly express to you ray annoyanoo at this painful revelation. Ytui, who might have been the bride of the financial genius of the age, to throw yourself away \ipon a third-clawi c3erk ! Butt. — Hold ! I have something to say to that .' Sir Saml—Xow ! ! Jhitf.- Yes, I. Prejtare for the revelation ! : SoN({. — Ihitterbaii and Choivx. Air — ■" My love he is a sailor boy." You remember, Sir Samuel, you once had a nephew. Who, like little Charley Ross, was stolen away ; And where he was taken to, Or who did abduct him, You never had no notion, Up to the present day. Oh ! his uncle he did value him Just as if he wiis his own. 7\nd his name it was Samuel, .Just the same as your own. C/tor.'.a. — Oh ' liis uncle, etc. am 32 Well, I'm sorry to siiy tluit I iiin tlic \cry ))or«M)n Who abducted that infant, at thirteen uiontlis ohl. And 1 hronght him np njost carerul, And 1 got him in the Goveinnient. And he is the very jtarty Wliieh now yon behold. Oil ! his uncle he did valiu^ him J.ike silvier or gold, And his name it is Samuel, Now twenty-one years old. Chnvns. — Oh ! his uncle, etc. Sir StDul. — Then I am to understand, Mrs. Bntterbun, that thi* young gentleman is my nephew who was stolen l»y you at the early age of thirteen months, and has since been brought \\\i secretly by you 1 Pndt. — ^Thit is the idea I intended to eonvey. Sir Sam/.. — This is very remarkabUi— in sonu; respects it is almost as remarkable as the National ]'olicy ; but, I confess, 1 should like some further proof of identity. Are you in a position to furnish any * If not, it is of no consequence ; as a politician, I am aware that u great detd must be taken on trust. Bntt. — I can furnish you with indisputable proofs, Sir Samuel ; you remember that yo.ir nephew had a large pimple on his nose t Sir. Sainl. (relhictively) — Let me see ! He was thirteen months old — yes, if my memory serves nje, his no.se flul look r'.ixiarkably like a large pimple ! /iutL (tragically) — Examine, for yourselves, the nose of Mr. Snifter — there is no deception, ladies and gentlemen — tell me if you oiKserve a pimple. A If. (examining no.se) — Yes, several. Sir Sainl. — In that case, tlun-e ean l)e no doubt about the identity. Mr. Snifter, I shovdd say Samuel, I am aware it would be the correct thing to re(juest you to come to njy arms, but. as I ob.serve you have \xnir arms fidl already, (clerk is embracing Angelina) 1 will content myself with congratidatiug you on the distinguislied relative you have discovered, (^apt. MacA., thia alters matters entirely. Oapt. — V'cs, Sir Samuel, b\it I hope you mean to uiarry Angelina, all the .same. Sir Sornl - li would be impossible for me to mairy my nephew'.* wife — or, at any rate, his promised wife ; that would be bigamy, or something equivalent. Besides, 1 don't think she is massive enough for me. f think that, under the circumstances, you iiad better marry your daughter to my nei>hew ; and, of coin'se, as a near relation of mine, and u Lower Province man, he must be provided for comfortably. ■ 38 Capt. — Of conrso, 8ir Samuel. (Aside.) We will get lum into the Hoiicse, and timt will l)e another vote on our side. Sir iSuinuel. — AlacDt'iideve, voii nuist considtn- our negotiations at an end. My j)riiici|>le.s will not allow me to come over to your j'iirty. MacD. — Hoot, mon — ye're prinnpl*'.s ( Ye niean ye' re inU.reat — (to audience) — he calls himselt" a Finance Meenister, and cunna' distin- guish between prbwiple and interest. Ensemble. Clerk, AiKjellna, MacDeadei/e, etc. Oh ! joy ; oh ! rapture unforeseen, Our prospects now are all serene ; fj ^ , > a settlement will make, Uncle j ' And we a stylish house will take, And entertain our friends. And every one on And every wt!ek •; ,, ,,, -' \ they 11 I < ,, } will call, { them J ' we'll I . give a ball The "Bcston ■'{ we thev I will dance all night, Nor go to bed till broad ilavliglit ; ^ "^'^- Itim. i '"^^'1!. I And thus ! I well \ their I "'""' \ they'll j Copt. — For I am the Captain of tlie Pai-liament ' spc nd. Chorus.- iMacD. Capt. — Chorus, — Capt. (laughing)- Chorus. — And u right good Captain he. But kfcp a .sharp lookout, And mind what you're about, Or you'll lose your majoriie^. I acted on the square All through the vhole ali'air, And it tvirned out right, you see ; I was very nearly stuck, But I had my usual luck, Which never has deserted me. What, never"? etc., etc. Well, it did once. It onlv once deseited he ; Then give three cheers to show our sentiment For the lucky Captain of the '* Parliament." Air — " The sfea, Uie sea, the open sea." Sir Saml. —The P., the P., the Great N.P. That lets nothing into the country free, Nothing into the country free. 34 It sends up the price of everything, And nmkt^s tlie producers merrily sing, The producers merrily sinfj;. Oh ! if ever we have prosj)eii/ee It will come on account of the Great N.F., On account of the (jireat N./*. AfacD. — I have sat in the Hooso for many a year, But sic rubbish as tliis I ne'er did hear, ^ic rubbish 1 lu 'er did hear. For producers, uae doot, it's all verra weel, But how do tlio piiir couitumera feel? The puir consumers feel. Oh, we ne'er shiill have real prosperifefi Till we knock on the head the horrid N.iP., This liotriLle sham, the N. P. /Iny.-The P., the P., the Great N.P., Of opinion there secnus much diver8i/«« Kegarding this strange N.P. But when Doctors like these do disagree — (points to MacA. and MacDeadeye.) So very decidedly disagree — About the etlect of this queer N.P., There is no other course, it seems to me — No other course seems open to me But to YOU to leave the Decree. Chorus. — He is a Ci-vil-i-an ; For he niight have been a Draper, A Grocer, or a Baker, Or perhaps a Pub-li-can. But, in spite of all temptations To other occupations. He remains a Civ-il-i-an. Hurrah ! hurrah ! For the Government Civ-il-i-an. (Curtain.) 35" Closing Scenk and Tableau. , (A twwfi 0/al.ferai.tinn in hi'(ir I hf'hlnif tic» im. Kutar '• t'wnailit,'' /it/luwe'l hjf " liritunnia." Canada. — It's 110 uhh voui tulkiiii,' iikn tliat »ii iiinui. f won't 1)6 rf^ctuted to. I'm (|iiittf ul'l hikmijxIi to ii»iiii/t' my ovvu li jiis*?. Auvoiio to hear you till< >voiil(l tl»iiil< I wan not evt'ii ,/roiv.t ////. liritanuia. — Tlmro is no donld. niv flt-ar, aUonr, your b 'in-^ i^i-owii up; the only dreail in my mind is wUt-thtu- yt>u aj-e not vatij>o vtiiif your Htrenolh Can --Yo<\ nt-ed'nt V>e anxious about that^ mamma; f assure you my cotiHfiftition is quite somitl. IhU..— \ n\n very alad t«) liear it, Hiy dear, but you must admit you have lieen very extravngMMt lately — Ijuilding ali thosf lou^railwavs. NVliy, when f was yotir n^sy, a few sraifu coa<^lies were tjuite }^ 00 1 eiujiij^li for ine. W'h^re do you ex|»t;t all the niom-y i» U) come from 1 (J<it». (iu(lignMHtly) — The idea of t:tlking like tliat ! It's all vt-r/ well for you, mfimma. ii» your little |»oky house, hut in Ihis great lii'^ pi tee of uuue I should'nt see some of the (;hildren fiom one year's end to till! other if I didn't build riilwavs (bursts intc* tens). [ never would have tlH)Ught vi of you, rn iiuui;i, wjuniiig to keep me away from the dear children all the w.iy otl in Biilish <'olaml)ia ! (< "ries bitterlv.). lirlt. (corHt»)rtiiig her ) — There, there, don't cry my pet, I wuuldiut keep you apart from yoiir children for the world ; but y u ku'>w, really, you have been drawing on me for a great deal of mouev lately ' an. — I Mm suie, Uinmniii, I h;tve'nt s|)Cnt neaily so much as sister " ZeHl.Mid " or sister " Austi-alia " has — ,\\\{\ see •vhat a lot '. f <>wX and tilings I sent you last year I — but thev , I always thought yo.i liked them bett r than me; and if you don't want to give mo any moie • nioiiey 1 can boi'iow it from "Cousin Joiiathau." I know he'll lend it to me. Ihit. (re rojiclifully) — !Now, Camida, this is very ungrateful ofyoiu Yoiv know yo»i have always l>een my fav.rite diughter. Did'nt I send you Lord Duflerin and his darling wife to helji yuu manage the House, tho\igh I could ill spare him. Can. — Weil, mannua, yon can't say we did not ap[)reciate him. lirit. — Of course von appreciated hiu), child ; h iw could you do otherwise ] and when he came bjick tlid'nt I send you my favoiite Princess and her husband I .uid yet you have the face to s^y 1 don't love you as well as I do the others ! Can. (coaxin-gly) —So you di<l, dear old mammy, and it was naughty of me to say you did'nt love me. But see, mamma, here are quite a number (jf the gentlemen of my hou.sehold. I niean my present household, for you know I have h id to make a change lately. This, uiaiiiuia, is Ca[)tain Mac A., my superintendent. I :3« J.rif. — 1 inn j^Uid lo Aceyov, ra|it»nii MacA. Ymi ni-p i<n)nirkH>»lf like oiif ul iii_y • wn |t'ojil«', xiiil I iaucy you rt'Hemble li.iii h jinrwlmt iii Other u**m.\*» Imwii^h juixuml HHjH'»UMiK.e. l^'iijuinin in a. vny clevor viiHii, Uit,«H I I.H\(* ImmI ticatHioii U) tell liim, tli( re ts such « diuij; aa ■Leiji^r /<'«/ (•!♦ A-^;!-. 1 1h»|«* you -won't Ik? too clever, C/iipt^iiii MitcA. (■a/>f. — I k1.«II <'IkU'HVoi- tn>t to U*, iiwitlaui. J,rii — 'IJitiH isoiie ^<hkI Uiiii^' 1 Imve 1»osm<1 ulMiut ywi, ('a<|>t»in IVlncA., and (Jiat Ik, U at, altliougli yoti are said to 1>e a little too loud of yoiw |»a<ty, y<'t that, |iei80iw».ly, yon are remarkal'Iy five Innn r<'ju<»Hcli. 1 1ds is a very go«Kl tldug, l>Mt you «uist j'emeini)er tliat, to a j^ient <,'xt+*iit, }«4J ai'e ^es^Kiiisdjk* for Um* go<»<' com! not ot yotn snljoiHlinateH, aixl 1 am not too >vell satisHeil wiili tlie l»eliavi<iur of sonieof your I roviii'.iiil c< adjiitofs. Will you beai- this in n)ind, i'-ajitain ? i'aj)L~~ Y<s. iiuKJatn. t'ofi.— Tiiiti, JiiauwuH, is Pir Sun>iiei, -vvIk) maimges ray njonoy matteitj. Jirit. — Ho ■"' <io yoti do, 8ir San»uel ! I tliink I liad tl»e pleasure of SK-inj; yuu liiteJy in uiy uioiiey rnuiket, and a very good iKUgaiu you «eeni to lia\e uukU-. WV are vtry ghid to see you, provi.ie<l you don't conie ioo t.lt*'n. ^o i see yo*i 4ue going to make Canada a great oianufacturiny country, 8i4' iSanmel 1 ^'»V iSfifiif. — We hojK' so, niiKlatn. Jii-it. — Well, well ! I should hHV<' thought that with nearly three million scjiuu-e miles of territory and only aliout four millions of people te occupy it, tlait it wwild have bevm l»etter to have deo-ot^dyour^Ltention in the Jii-st j»l{»oe to developing ycwir iigricidtural resources. However, as I t<'ll 4iiy dimghter here, 1 mh not going to inteiiV-re witL your domestic arvtuigenieiits, aixl 1 hojH' the •ex iterinient will answer your expectations, (Jan. — Now, mamnm; I nwist intro iwce to you Mr. MacDe«,d«yH, my ok( wiperintendent. T liked hiin very nnich, marmna, and I am ^iiite surt lie was very honest, btit somehow he didn't get on with the family. I fancy it was the h:u-d times, as much as .uiyiidng else, that Oiade them <)uarrel. Brit. — 1 am veiy happy to make your acquaintance, Mr. Mac- Deadeye. 1 have heard much go«<l of you. 1 am .sorry that you would not allow me tooonler oii y<Hi tl»e same distinction that I have conferred on soDio of yOTU* biethren. 8ir Alexander MacUoadeye wouid £ouud very prettily. AiacD. — Wre verra kind, nm'am, Irut I dinna pretend to be ony- tliing mair titan a honest working mo», and I take no h^tia ol' ony €m{»ty titles. Brit. — Tnt ! tut ! Mr, MacDeadeye, that is all wxy well, but it is aot very complimentary to me, and 1 fancy that sort of talk has done you some harm. However, no douht you mean well, so we will say no more about it. (Turns to Canada.) Now, my child, there is one -^7 •^liinjf T tnttst Tfnlly Bp«ak to you very nerjously about. 1 3on*t want "^ meddle with your domentic affuira, and, although 1 can't siy 1 appj'ove of your going back on youf motlifrs frte tra<ie princ^plet in th« way you have dont;, still T don't feel calleil u|)on to intot-fere, hut I am told you are carrying on a flirtation M-ith your " Cousin Jouathan/' and Mome [leople are even talking ahoutan allianco hotween you. (Re|»roach- fully.) Oh ! Canada, / would never have belie veii xl o/u toell-cofiducled girl like you f Can. — (Indignant] V.) It'g a horrid atory mamma, 1 Wke "Jona than" vt-ry much as a near neighbor and a cousin, but I should never dream of a closer connection, and I don't believe he desires it either. It is people like tliat horrid " Bystand-^r ' who have been sotting these storieH abwit. Belim^ me, fnamma, iJiere'g riet/dr^ in it. (Breaks ''"' into the following soug.) Bono. — Air, " Captain's Song.^ C<in. — For I'm very very fond of my dear mamma. 'fjhorus. — And a right good '* ma " is she, ijan, — And believe me when I sj y, those who think the otber way Are a very small minorite^. <7/*or7/«. — And believe us when we say, those who think the other way. Are a very small minoiu/e«. "^an. — To help I'll ne'er be sUick, whatever foe attack, Let him come by land or sea ; I may flirt a bit, of coarse, but for better <sv for worse I will never be untrue to ihee. (Addressing ''Britannia") AU. — "No; never! ^rit. — What, never? ML — >Jo ; NRVKK ! ! We will never be untrue to thee. <3raxd Chorus. — Air, " Rvife Britannia.*' Hail Britannia! the rnler of the sea, Caiia la to Britain ever true shall be. C Wa/ve JUiffft, Onion Jack and Canadian JSnsign.) — TABLEAt. fCurlain.)