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 t • ^ 
 
 H. M. SL 
 
 — (ti;.— 
 
 THE LADY WHO LOVED 
 
 A GOVERNMENT CLERK. 
 
 -:-.<^H^i;^.^- 
 
 I'lTIZKN PRINIlNc; AND Pl'HT.lSHINU CoMl'ANY, OTTAWA, 
 
 1880. 
 

 ReghU'rfd under th( Copyright Act of 1S75, 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 ^ .r\^\j\^ r-^r j^^j^r^A:^ • 
 
 THK :uiai>tpr of this piece of extravagauce Legs to (Us.;laiin ant 
 political }>ioclivitie8. Ife lias attemj)te«l, lie liopes not unsu.-- 
 oMsfullv, to jjet a little liiinnless fun out of political peculiarities and 
 weaknesses, ineHp(«tive of partv—iu fact, lie has emlfavomed to act an 
 uuich a« poshibU; alter the i)attein of the Irishman at Donnyhrook 
 Fair, and wherever he has seen an available head liius tried t<> give il a 
 jrowl-h union red tap, not out of any animosity, but simply for the fun of 
 the thing. If any head should appear to come in for more than its fair 
 Mhaie of taps, it must be attributed solely to the particular i)rominenco 
 of the s;ii<l head, and not to any other cause. If any expression or 
 illusion in this extravagan/.a sho\i!il give reasonable cause of offence to 
 «ny person, he will be sincerely sorry, and hereby apologizes for it in 
 ad\ance ; but, as the rpidermis of politicians is proverbially tough, litf 
 iecls convinced that no ofl'ence will be taken ivheic none is meant. 
 
DRAMATIS PERSON.E, 
 
 S.KSAM.-u,S,.M.KV,K.M.(i. .(•hicfl-ina.ui.Toin.M.S.'T.rlb^^^^^^ 
 
 (.^,.,,,,^ M,,. A C(MT.mumlcr ol H.M.S. -ParlKum-nl.- 
 
 ^ ^ ^ -inKK ^'•'-■'■^ "^ ''^'-' ^'■■''^''".- ^^ '^"^ ' )cpartmciU. 
 
 >, ,, n.MH vK \ Ml^Jntl1l•()l)u Member. 
 
 .. ,, \ Statistical NU-inher. 
 
 I (iM l»l AC K 
 
 . . \ !'(>cti(al Member. 
 
 I^KV HlKK . . ,^ , ^ 
 
 IIk ( "aptain s Haughter 
 
 NhriliirKK.us..rurvevor of r..treslumnt> to 11. M.S. •' Parliament ' 
 
 A Monoiiolist. 
 
 Ilu- Thief I'inaniier-s little ring (,f .ScnaKns an-l Mcmbcr>. 
 
 Members, Clerks, etc. by a full Chorus. 
 
 ScKNK First Ad .V Chamber in the House -.f ( '..mmons. 
 
 Second .\et -The terrace in front of the Parliament buildings by 
 
 moonliglU. 
 
m 
 
 ACT 1. 
 
 S,ENF —A cliauilMr ()»■ Connnittee llooin iu the Hoiiso of Coin- 
 iHons. Members discveiod .yrin.Uui; axes ; others turning grindstones. 
 On some of the axes are painted in vge letters, " Section A, " ^<tc- 
 tion B;' " Nut-locks," " Printing Contiacts, " etc., etc. 
 
 Chorus. 
 
 We sail the shii) of State, 
 
 Tho' our craft is lathei- leaky ; 
 
 Our f;rindstones swift revolve, 
 
 Tho' at times they're rather creaky. 
 
 ^Ve grind away the livelong day. 
 
 And talk in the house all night, 
 
 But if we're in luck and don't get stuck, 
 
 Onr axes will soon he bright. 
 
 f'J'Jutfr J//-.<. JJufterlinn uut/i f'lrfjt^ ba»iki't on I'^r (irm. ) 
 PvEcrr. 
 
 Hail ! gallant Members ; safeguards of your nation. 
 I'm glad to see you at your proper station ; 
 Kelax your labors-l'll refreshments /*^^ 
 Your axes will grind better for a ir/ict. 
 
 (Prodarcs bottles o/>jinfjer hrn; apples., etc.) 
 
 A HI A. 
 
 Im called Mrs. lUitterbun, denr Mrs. Butterbnn, 
 
 'Tho T could never tell why, 
 
 For T sell my refreshments at very low prices, 
 
 So I'm c/ie<tp Mrs. Butterbun, 1. 
 
 I supply all the Memi)ers and lobby attenders 
 
 With ginger pop, ibivored with rye ; 
 
 I've ap|»les so fruitv, and oranges juicy, 
 
 For members to s ': when they're dry. 
 
 Then buy of your Jiutterbun, cheap Mrs. Butterbun, 
 
 Membeis should never be ■■^hi/, 
 
 'The intfecd that's aJoUioy not often pyrcailini/, 
 
 Then buv of vour liutterbun, buy. 
 
Ttjin /»7«rX-.— -W't'll. MiH. Hiitterlxin, liow are you to day f I think 
 I'll take a l)ot»)e of ginger pop, with the ohl rye tluvor Jfow much is it ? 
 
 Jinlt.— Fifteen cents ! 
 
 Titin JHack. — Fifteen centH f Why, it usetl to l>e only ten. 
 
 liiitt. — Ah ! I>ut Mr. lilack, you forgot the N. P.— everything hat 
 gone up. 
 
 Tom lilark. - Now, MrH. Butterbnn, alh)w nie to inform you tliat 
 fha additional dutieH imposed by the N. P. on the iiii])orted articlea 
 which enter into the componitiou of your gijiger heer, amount exactly 
 to one and one-thirty-iuicond of a mill on each liottle, and, couHequently, 
 you art? not juHtified in increasing your pi ice fifty per cent. I showed 
 this clearly in my last leading article. 
 
 Hntt. — Can't help that, Mr. Black. I've got a monopoly like some 
 of the big manufacturers, so, if you don't like to pay fitteen cents, you'll 
 have to go without. 
 
 Tom Black (aside). — Oh 1 confound the N.P. if thi.s is going,to l)e 
 the game — its all very well in theory, but [ don't see the fun of paying 
 fifteen cents instwid of t«'n for my ginger beer — they'll have to increase 
 'ur sessional allowance at this rate. 
 
 Jien //»/»-.- -What about apples, to-day, Mrs. Ibittrrbun f 
 
 An -xpide sweet, 
 [ think 'tis meet 
 That 1 should eat. 
 
 That's |)oetry, Mis. {^. Vou ought to give me one for nothing for suclt 
 an exquisite stanzti. 
 
 lintt. — Certainly. Mr. Burr ; here is one. 
 
 linrr. — But tliis is rotten, Mrs. liutteibun. 
 
 liutt. — So is youi- ])oetry, Mr. Burr, so that's all right. 
 
 Jiiirr. — Are you awaie, ju'ofane woman, that I am the Poet of 
 Canada f that the roar of the mighty cataract, beside which 1 liave been 
 nurtured, finds an echo in my verses / Do yovi not know that [ am to 
 )>e apjtointed the Poet Laureate of the Dominion '. 
 
 Jintt. — Very likely, Mr. Burr ; they've been making a many queer 
 appointments lately, but if you want the apples you had better take 
 them ; they are two for ten cents. 
 
 Hnrr. — Two \ Why, they used to be three 
 
 lUitt. — Dear me, gentlemen, J 'm suri)rised at you. Vou seem to 
 forget all about the N.l'. Why, what wa.s it for If not to put up the 
 price of everytliing ] 
 
 Burr. — Oh ! this is too much. (Aside.) T begin to think the 
 N.P. is a sell, only 1 don't like to say .so. 
 
 (Unter Alexander MacDmdeye.) 
 
 MftcDendeye. — I hare thought it often— the N.P. is a sell. — (All 
 recoil from him, with expressions of hoii'or.) 
 
 t 
 
1 
 
 liutt. — Why, whiit'8 tlic tiiuttor with the man ( Ife looki 
 m inerHble. 
 
 Torn liluck. — Don't take any nntico of him, it's only poor Alec 
 MacDeadoye — he's mthei* cantankerou.s Ke nsnd to he commander of 
 this ship, l)ut now he's degrtwled, and he'8 only an ordinary chap like 
 the rest of us, and it preys upm him. 
 
 MacD. -Preys u}K)n liini ' nao df)ot it does. TIow would von Hkp 
 it yoursel, after lx»ing captain of the ship to step ilown and Ite joost » 
 common member ot the crew < 
 
 l^om Black. — Well, Alec, you ought to have hocn more civil when 
 Tou xo*re skipper, and tlien, |)erhaps, you'd have bjen in command now. 
 
 J/of/>.- -Ah I that's it I — Joost because I would na condescend to 
 huml)ug ye, ye turn me oot ! Weel, we<!l, yell get enough humltug 
 before ye're done, and as for the N.P., I'm joost fairlv sick of it. 
 
 ^//._Oh ! oh : oh : 
 
 Bfn .^WTT. --MacDeudeye, T would not wisli to Ix* hard on a man 
 that's down, but such sentitnents as yours are a disgrace to tiie ship. 
 
 Kecit. 
 
 Butt. —But tell nie who's yon clerk, whose roseate nose 
 IJespeaks a love of beer — or something worse \ 
 Tom BUir.k — That is the smartest clerk in all the House, 
 Sam Snifter. 
 Butt. — Oh that name ! JJemorse ! Remorse I 
 
 ( Ent^r Sum Snifter.) 
 
 MADRMiAL, 
 
 So)n. — The Government clerk 
 
 Ix)ved the great chieftain's (laughter. 
 
 He daren't propose, 
 
 For he could not support her. 
 
 He sang "' my scanty pay. " 
 A//. — He sang " his .scanty pay." 
 Sam. — The lowly youth 
 
 For his love did vainly sigh, 
 
 And spent too much 
 
 On bitter beer and rye. 
 
 He sang " my scimty pay. " 
 A/f. — He sang " his .scanty pay " 
 
 Rkcit. 
 
 Thanks, gentlenien, for this your kindly chorus, 
 But choruses yield Utile su.stentation ; 
 
 If you would kindly get my y«/^/ increased, 
 That would indeed be genuine consolation. 
 
' JhiU (asiilf)— 1^«**''' ""*^ "''^ 'y """** ^**^ '''^ conRolatioii. 
 ^//.--Yefl, y«;M ; oM rye must !.»• liis couHoIatioii. 
 
 Towi Black.— Wwi, my tlear fellow, you uiv /ou anil.itious. You 
 nm't exjM'ct tlie Captain's aau^litvr to look favoml.ly on a tliinl cIusm 
 clerk in the sealini; wax (|e|>»rtiuciit. 
 
 Mnrl)en<lri/e. li'ye'd ony ]><'ilitickal iiilluonrc. iioo, there luijjht 
 l.p a I'hanee for ye ; hut, the raj.taicis i f such eraft as ours doii'i K'v** 
 oiiything away iinlesa they «et souu- voUk for it. 
 
 i4// (recoiling). -Shiinie ' Hhanic ' 
 
 Sum. It's straii>j<' that the dauyht^-r of a ni;ui who eoniinan(l5 
 .H M.S. *' rarliauient" may not h)ve auotlu who i.s in the .same sei- 
 vicp,althou}:;h in a huuihle eaiwity. For man in this groat au.l 
 glorious country may ris»- to any position - (/ /<«'.'< ouli/ <j(>f vlinnk raouijh. 
 
 M<icl)m>ht/^.- Ah ; mon, cheik's a grand tiung If I'd had mair 
 clieck [ might ha^e Iwen Captain still. 
 
 Tom lilack.- MacDem'.eye, I «lon't want folic hard on a man who 
 has .seen hcttcr davH ; hut such a scntinunt as that is enough to mak« 
 an honest politician shiulder. 
 
 Jien Jiurr.- Wwtwv. WW gall.inc Captain approa<dics--" ///•/«</ on 
 thf hniuinet "--J mean, let us greet him as ho gr«uit a diieftaiu desurv**. 
 
 (Enter Caj'tciin). — C'lieers. 
 
 SoNc. — (ti/if. jfiicA. 
 
 Capf.- I am the ('aptain of the " rarliament." 
 
 ^^/.— And a right good Captain /ir. 
 Co jit. — You'ie veiy, very gooil, 
 And be it \mdei-stood 
 I've a large majori^fv. 
 All. — We're very, very gocnl. 
 And he it underst^jod 
 He's a large niajori/-«<'. 
 Cupt. — In debate I'm never slatk, 
 llowe'er the foe attack ; 
 And I'm good at repar^^f, 
 1 never, never say 
 A thing that's not O.K. 
 Whatever the tt'mptjttion In-. 
 ,|//.__.\Vhat : never i 
 C<ipt. — No ; never. 
 
 j/^._-What! nei-er f 
 ('apt. — Hardly ever. 
 J//. — Wliat he says is always rpiite O.K. I 
 
 Then giv« three cheers to show our sentime?<< 
 For the truthful Caj.tain of the " Parlia//jen^" 
 
 l( 
 
 I 
 
t 
 « 
 
 n 
 
 Capf. — I do my Ix'st to siiti.ifv you all. 
 A/l. — But some of us are utd <!Oiitent. 
 Capt.— \'\\ anticipate your wisln-H, 
 
 And H0<3 Hotn»' loavHH ami tisliea 
 Ai*«" scrvotl out to t!u» nuilcoiitt'nt. 
 y|//. _II,.'I1 nntiri|»iit«' o\ir n% IsIm-k, 
 
 And Ht'«> Honie loaves and fislu's 
 Arc served out to the nud<'t»nt«'nt. 
 
 f Ml mil tltflr liamU rcjoiriny.) 
 
 ('apt. The position which 1 till 
 Al)use I Me\t r will 
 Whatever the enjer^cnf»'»'. 
 Corruption is a thiu<^ 
 1 detest like anythinj; — 
 And it never has been «'harg<»d to me. 
 j//__\Vhat! never { 
 Capt. (contid<'ntlv). — No ; n«ivr. 
 .4 //.-"What: NKVKU f 
 C(i)»t. — Well, viri/ .•«hloin. 
 Xll. — Very seldom Iihs been charjijed to he, 
 
 Then give three cheers to sliow oui- sentiment 
 For the moral Captain of the " Parliament.' 
 
 (Ej'nmit all hut Ccpl'tin.) 
 
 Hk< IT. 
 
 (Kilter Hutterlmn.) 
 
 hatt. — Sir, you seem anxious ; the sad ex[)ression of your 
 engaging countenance denotes a more tlian common .sorrow. Here, 
 take a doughnut. 
 
 C'rt/)<. -Thanks, Mrs. liutterl.un. Vcs, I am anxious. The fact is 
 that our j)arty has of late shown signs of weakness — they've such large 
 appetites, the jiuldic manger scarcely can contain sutlicient fodder to 
 sujiply them nil ; added to thi;?, our great Financier, the party's hack 
 bone,*has lately seemed inclini^d to put his l>ack up ; and so to hind 
 more closely to my cause, 1 liad agreed to wed hiiu to my daughter . 
 hut sad to say, she doesn't seem to haukej- after him. 
 
 Butt. '\\\ '. poor Sir Samuel ; t-iit no <louht a uian like him, who 
 \inderstands all about tlitxs will .soon be able to convince your child 
 That 'tis her duty to obey lu>r Ta. UiH see, here comes your daughter. 
 1 go. Farewell: ' (KjiL) 
 
 C(7>^ (looking aft 'I hcii— Her doughiuits -ire <lclicious. (Takes 
 a ))ite.) 
 
 ( Kiitff AiKjtflina. ) 
 
 •m 
 
10 
 
 liALL.vn — A iKjeliiKi. 
 
 Sorry her lot wiio gives li«*r heart 
 
 To a young man who can't support hor ; 
 Whose hopes of advancement are sadly dark 
 For lack of interest in the ri^'ht (piarter. 
 ( )h ! if that bonus they'd only give, 
 Hoi)e woidJ have souiethiiig whereon to live. 
 
 Sad is the fate of a third-class clerk 
 
 Who loves his chieftain's only daughter ; 
 No wonder the poor fellow shirks his work, 
 And di'owns his grief in whisky and water. 
 Oh ! if that bonus they'd only give, 
 Hope would have something whereon to live. 
 
 C(ipt. — My child, J grieve to see you are still pensive. When I 
 left you Sir Samuel's budget speech to read, 1 hoped it would liave 
 cheered you ; in fact that it would have sent uj) your depressed spirit* 
 as it has done everything else. Sir Satnuel would be grieved to see you 
 a prey to melancholy, aiul you know he will be here presently to claim 
 your promised hand. 
 
 Angel.— Ah ! paj)a, your words cut mn to tlie quick. I e.steem '\n(l 
 venei'ate Sir vSamuel, for he is indeed a wonderful man, and there must 
 be a tender ])lace in the chest >i (I should say the bosom) of everyone for 
 the gi'eat inventor of the N. P. ; bui, alas ! my heart is given to an- 
 other. 
 
 Capt. — Given ? horror I Not to one of the Opposition? 
 
 Angel. — No, )>apa , do not think so meanly of your daughter ; but, 
 oh ! })ity me ! for he is but a humble clerk in this very house. 
 
 Gapt. — Great Caesar ! a common clerk. 
 
 Angel, (spiritedly^. — Not a common clerk, i)apa ; there are Ht> 
 common clerks in Government employ. 
 
 Capt. — True, my child ; but still — yet, stay, (eagerly) has he any 
 political influence ? 
 
 Angfil. —Alas ' no, paj^a. If he had, he would have been a 
 Deputy Head, at least, by this tinte. 
 
 Capt. — True. 
 
 Angel. — 13ut I assu'-e you. dear Papa, he is juost accomplished — he 
 ^noves in the very best circles — he danc(.'S diviutly, and he sings comic 
 songs in a way that would bring teais to your eyes. (Hese»'ohingly.) 
 Oh ! Papa, with your interest, who kn-nvs what he might rise to? 
 
 Capt. — No doubt a young man who can sing comic sorigs in the 
 way you dascribe would rte very useful to the party. But come, my 
 child ; you know how iniportant it is that I should consolidate our 
 interests hy attaching Sir Saunu'l lirnilv to us, and surely you woiild 
 not let a mere sentimental objectiou staid in the way of so noble an 
 object. 
 
^^^T^'p^PTTr^oRnp^rawK:- 
 
 11 
 
 Aiujei — Oh ! 1 have thor.glit of tins :— but tear not, Pajta; i know 
 well hew important it '\h for the interests of the (ronntry that we should 
 re/main in power, and though my heart HhouM bicak, 1 will never hetmy 
 my love. Besides, he has only ^400 a year ! 
 
 Capt. — My noble-miMded daughter! — but see, jjeie comes Sii 
 Samuel surrounded by the admiring ring of Ministers and Senators, who 
 Attend him in fiis journeys throughout the country in search of tlie 
 great Boom. 
 
 Aiigel (looking off). — But, dear Pajju, the Seuatoi-s are all dressed 
 like elderly ladies ! — why is this ? 
 
 Capt. — That, my dear, is to enable the audience to recognize thorn. 
 But retire, my chilil, and take with you tliis last speech of Sir Sanuiel's 
 on the sugar question, so that you may be able to compliment him on 
 his latest elo(juent utterance. 
 
 Antjel. — My dear unsophisticated Pa I (Exit Angelina.) 
 
 (Eater Sir Samuel, MiriMtevti, Memhers, Snifter, Mac Deadeyca n<t Chiyrns. J 
 
 Barcarole. 
 
 \j\i froju St. John. N. B., 
 
 Comes Sir Samuel Sillery, K.M.CJ. 
 
 Wherever he nmy show, 
 
 Up, up the prices of all things go. 
 
 Shout 1 for the great N. P., 
 
 And Sir Samuel Sillery, K.M.(f. 
 
 Chorl's of Memuers. 
 
 We sail the Ship of State, 
 
 And gallant iVlembei'S we are, 
 We're ready in debate, 
 
 And (piite devoid of fe-«r. 
 
 Our foes may rail, but they can't prevail 
 
 Against our nmjori^f«, 
 And we'll have the sway for many a day, 
 
 All along of the great N. P. 
 
 Capt.— JSovf. let us all give three-times-three 
 For Sir Samuel and the great N. P. ! 
 Hooray ! 
 
 Song. — Sir Samuel. 
 
 Vm Sir Samuel Sillerce, 
 Inventor of the great N.P., 
 Who.se praise Canadians loudly sing. 
 Jiiininters.— And we are the Ministe»-H who form his little ring. 
 
 ( Jiepeat. ) 
 
 ■Itt 
 
12 
 
 .Sir Saml—VJ\\en in Couiiril I jMt'.siile, 
 
 My l)osom swells with pride. 
 
 For 1 sec price's rising for almost cvorythinij. 
 Ministrrs. — Anil so tlo the Ministers who form liis Utth- ring. 
 
 /^Ir SainL—V>\\t if wages don't rise too, 
 
 I fear J shall look (piite K'lue, 
 
 And seek the setliisioii wlneh private life will bring. 
 M!iilii(e):'i.--\nCi so wdl the >!iuisters wh.j form his little ring. 
 
 S<»N(i. — Sir iSamiiet. 
 
 When T was a lad, in the year '3J, 
 
 T was eiiiU'd hoy in a drngirist's store ; 
 
 I washr-d out the Lotties and 1 rolled the pills, 
 
 And 1 ilnnned the patients for their little hills. 
 I washed ont tlu; l»ottles so oarefulA.^ 
 That now 1 am a Minister and K.M.Ci. 
 
 Chornii. — He wasJied out the hottlo.s, etc. 
 
 As errand hoy I n)!ide snch a mark 
 That they gave me the post of dispensing olerk ; 
 I mixed up medicines and pills so l)luc, 
 And ])asted tlie lahels on the Lotties too. 
 I pasted on the lahels so ♦•areful/f'^, 
 That now I am ii Minister and K.M.G. 
 
 ChoriM. — He pasted on tin; labels, etc. 
 
 As disi>ensing clerk 1 made such a name 
 That a partner in the firnj J soon be<'ame : 
 1 jtresi-rilied for my customers' little ills, 
 And totted up the totals of their yearly bills. 
 I totted up the totals in a way so free, 
 That now 1 am a Minister ami K.M.d. 
 
 CZ/ornx. — He totted up the totals, etc. 
 
 At totting uj) totals I made «;uch a pile, 
 That I thought into politics I'd go for ii while ; 
 I talked about figures so very glib/<?r. 
 That they thought a great fniancier 1 n)ust sui-ely \x}. 
 1 talked about ligures in a way so free. 
 That now 1 am a Minister and K.M.CJ- 
 
 Chorun.— lh^ talked about tignres, etc. 
 
1 
 
 13 
 
 Now, Gttvennnent clerks, whaU'ver your ilrgree, 
 If you wish to rise to tho top of" tlie tree, 
 If your soul isn't fotttM't'.l to an ortice 8t.<i()l, 
 r»e careful t<. i^e giiideil l»y tliis tjol<U'i) rule : 
 Always tot up your tf)tul.s very careful/^^, 
 And you encli ujav he a Miuistcr and K.M.(i. 
 
 Chorus. — Always tot up your totiils. etc. 
 
 Sii' 6'«'//t/. - Vou have a icmarkaMv tine niajoritv here, t'apt. 
 MacA. 
 
 Cupt. — It itt it fine majority. Sir Samuel. 
 
 Sir Saml. («'Xaminiiii,' a i-atln-r seedy hxjking jsarty)- A Canadian 
 Member is a splendid fellow, ('apt. MaeA 
 
 Cnpf.. — lie is indeed, Sir Samuel, That gentleman is from one of 
 our remote consiituetities. 
 
 Sir Samf.- I ho)>e you treat your crew kindly. Ca]>t. MacA. — 
 give them jdenty of nice little sinecures, and all thai s«»rt of tiling, eh I 
 
 C(ipt.— V hope ho, Sir Samuel. 
 
 Sir Savil. — Never forj^et liow much you owe them, Captain MacA., 
 and that they or their friends iiatuvHlly expect to have the preference 
 in anv little matter of contracts, or uivthinir of that sort. Thev never 
 eom|)lain now, eh i 
 
 i'ajyt. — Never, Sir Samurl. 
 
 Sir Sa7)tl. — What '. never ! 
 
 Capt. — Hardly evev. Sir Samuel. 
 
 Sir Sam/, (looking' lound) — Desire that rennirkaldy tine looking 
 younsk; clerk to step forward. 
 
 Capf. — Mr. Snifter, Sir Samuel desires to speak to vow. 
 
 (Sam Snifti^- fi(*jn< fonriu\i / 
 
 Sir SfiiiiL — Vou are a veiv !i;indscme vounjr nian, ^Ir. Snifter. 
 
 .SV/n?.-- Ves, Sir Samuel 
 
 •Nj'r (S'awA— I hop»> vou woik verv hard for the (Jovernment I 
 
 Sam. — Vej'v hard, Sir Samuel. 
 
 Sir .Sam/.-— What depattment ai'(» you in ? 
 
 Sa?n. — The Sealinj; WaN Department. Sii- Sjnuuei. 
 
 Sir iiaml. — I should like you to e.xplain tome m detail your duties. 
 
 Sam. — Well, >ir Samuel, I comv every morning pun* tnally at half 
 past nine anil sign the hook. 
 
 Sir Saml. — \riy u;ood. .\nd tlie)i what do nou do? 
 
 Sunt. — Then I take a rest, Sir Samuel. 
 
 >'jV 6'a7w/.— C^nite right — < Jovernment otJioials .sliotild always he 
 citreful not to overwork themselves ; the strain of official duties on the 
 mind is very wearing. What next / 
 
 iS'am.- Then I i-ead the i)apers, Sir Samuel. 
 
14 
 
 Sir .S'am/.— Very proper : (ioverntuent ofticials should always keop 
 Iheinselves acqviHiuted with *he evinits of the day ;— but I trust you 
 Tiever read the Oppcisition jo»irn:ds ] 
 
 /Sa?/t.--iV«r.''r, Sir Haiiiuel. 
 
 Sir S'amf.--\yUiitl (stops suddenly) 1 meKU — C^uitt' right.. I prf^ 
 sume you roa«l my budget speeches ? 
 
 Sam. — Ovcr and ovei- again, Sir Samuel — (aside) over the left. 
 
 Sir Savil. This is a i inarkably intelligent clerk, Capt. Mar A. ; 1 
 trust you will keep your e\i> on him. — What do you do next? 
 
 Savt. (hositJitingly — Then I smoke a pi}>e, Sir Samuel. 
 
 Sir Saml. (doubttully) -Smoke a pijje 1 — I don't know abovit that 
 
 S<i7n. (eageijy)-- I smoke Caiuidinn tobacco. Sir Samuel, -1 only do 
 it with a view of encoui-agiug home manufactures. 
 
 Sir Sumi — Oh ! that alters the case. Our home manufactures mi«»< 
 be encouraged — that's one of the chief features of my National Policy. 
 What is youi- next proceeding ] 
 
 Sam. — Then 1 yo to lunch, Sir Samuel. 
 
 Sir Sam/. — Of course ; it is impossible to continre in the jK-rfoini- 
 -ance of such arduous duties without legularity nt nu'als. Well, what 
 next '/ 
 
 Sam. — Then 1 come back, Sir Sanmel — (aside) sometimes. 
 
 Sir Scnn/. — Natuj-aily. Well ? 
 
 .Vrtm.- Then 1 smoke another pii>e, i-Sir Samuel. 
 
 .S/r*S'n////. (anxiously) — 1 hope this huulable devotion to the further- 
 ance of our National I'olicy has )>o bad ert'eet on your constitution ( 
 
 Sam. — I do ft'fl ratlier seedy sometimes, Sir Samuel, but the 
 knowledge that I am doing my duty to my coimtry supports me. 
 
 Sir Saml. — Patriotic voutig man ! such sell .sacritice will undoubt- 
 •e<lly meet its rewanl : afier that, what do you do I 
 
 Sam. — Then it's Lime to go home, Sir Samuel. 
 
 Sir Saml. — Of co\n-se. And what salary do you get for th« 
 jfcrformance of these ini[)ortant duties ? 
 
 Sam. — .?40() a year, Sir Samuel. 
 
 Sir 6Vt////.— That's a verv liberal salaiv for a vouuj; niai 
 you .save money out of it ? 
 
 Sam. — Oh I yes, Sir Samuel ; nearly ;?200 a year. 
 
 Sir Saml. — Dear n)e I How do you manage that I 
 
 «SVi»t. — By a periodical issue of ])romi.SvSory not«s, Sir Samu»'l. 
 
 Sir Saml. — (^•uite » financial gtuiius, I observe, Capt. Mao.\. 
 This young man will make his -way in the world. — J see you ai-e a 
 youth of ambition ; tell me, have you any plans mat\ired ? 
 
 .S'«7n.--Ves. Sir Samuel ; I hope to get an interest in a conti-act 
 wome <lay. 
 
 Sir Savil. — Very naturally. 
 
 Sam. — Yes. Sir Samuel ; and then I have an uncle who is a 
 Member, and he is going to get the Government to purcha.se a new 
 ]iatent corkscrew that I have invented. 
 
 f hope 
 
 

 1.') 
 
 Sir »S'am/.- A corkscrew '. limn. Jiut would the (jroveriiinput 
 be ul)le to use a suflioient number to make it j)ay i 
 
 Satn. — Oh ilear, yea, Sir .Samuel ; every clerk would want a new 
 one every day, and then all tlie Members and Senators would take 
 honje boxes full every Session, ahuii; with their stationery. 
 
 Sir Sarnl. — I aUi deliehted to see, Mr. SnifU^r, that you have fully 
 mastered the details of your dej»artment. ('apt. Mac A., if the crew of 
 II. M. S. " Parliament "' compi'ises many such memhers, the public i«. 
 indeed, to be congratulated. 
 
 ('apt. — Yes, Sir Samuel. 
 
 Sir Sa/nl. — For I hold that politics 
 
 Should be free from any tricks, 
 
 And be abov.i suspicion in everything. 
 
 .(// — And so do the Ministers who form his little rini^. 
 
 ( Ejcnnt C<ipla!n, Sir Samuel aiuf MiniHters. ) 
 
 Tom Jilack. — Ah ' that's something like a Minister. Vou heard 
 what he said to the captain abcuit ticating us pniperly 
 
 Sam.. — Yes, ;ind liow kindly he spoke about my patent corkscrew. 
 What's to prevent me from making a nice little j)Ot of money cut ol it, 
 an<l then T can run for some (constituency, and ])erhaps be a Minister 
 n)yse]f some day. 'J hat's how tkey all begin, and why should not I 
 have tlie satue chance as i-nother '{ 
 
 J/^._\Vell said ' Well said ! 
 
 Mad). — Hoot I hoot ! did ever onyone hear of siccan a thing ? 
 Why. ye're all a set of coiruptionists, and ought to be ashamed of 
 verse Is. 
 
 'J'oin Blach. — Alexander MacDeadeye, if vou go for to infuriate tliis 
 ship's company, f won't answer for holding of them in. What we jiur- 
 jK)se is perfectly legitimate-, and is done by every crew of Her Majesty* 
 ships of State, and vovi know that iust as well as f do ; — w hv. vou did 
 it vourself. 
 
 J //.—So he did. 
 
 Sam. — (jJentlemen, my mind's made up. I'll take out the patent 
 for my cork.screw to-morrow, and the tirst opportunity I get I'll tell the 
 Captain's daughter of tlu; fervent love I have for her, and ask her to 
 wait till I get a se%t. What say vou. gentlemen 1 do you aj»prove <>f 
 my determination '< 
 
 ^//._.\Ve do : we do \ 
 
 Mad). — [ dotit.' Why its awfu' ' — here's a mlserai)le thir«l-cla.ss 
 clerk talking al>out contracts and patents and getting a seat in the 
 Hoose. 1 ken weel he wouldna have talkeil so when I commanded the 
 ship. 
 
 7\nii lUach -What t.v to be done with tlii^ Ix^peless clm)» / To 
 
think of liis ninuiu^' down tlio olHcnrs of t!r • ciMft in tliiis way. Su|»- 
 |»o8e, Mr. Snifter, we sin:,' liini tlmt song yon <-i)ni|M»s»'^l in honor of the 
 Hei-vicc ; I'Crhaps it will bring iho poor crfatnrc to a i)ro|tt'r frame oi 
 mind. 
 
 Vrl.Kl..-~Sii}n Sulf'it'/', 'J'oiii liliick (iiil L'liuriiH. 
 
 A (lOVtM-ninent clerk is a soarin*; soul. 
 
 And onirht to he his (•(mntrv s l>ri(U* ; 
 Ho will always he gcntf-el, tho' penhanct' lu' want a meal, 
 
 And ^erv manv thini-'s heside. 
 
 Mis nionstaclic should l>e waved, ami his hair should curl ; 
 
 lie should lift his hat to every girl ; 
 
 lli.s hoson) shor.ld heave and his hreast |»rotrade, 
 
 And this should he his customary attitude. 
 
 Chorus.- in.> moustaehe should Ite waved, etc. 
 
 The " Hoston "' he should dance with an inhorn graee^ 
 
 He should skate, toltoj^i^an, and ride ; 
 He never should he met beyond the pro[)er .set, 
 
 Nor fanuliar be with folks oiilsiile. 
 
 He should wear kid -rloves. and a cane should twirl, 
 He should break the heart of evei'v girl ; 
 His nos" should curl, and his lip protrude. 
 And this shouKl Ite his customary at.titvide. 
 
 C/titrKs. ~ He .should wear kid gloves, etc. 
 
 ( AU fyontt o;ire))t Cfn-k, loho roiinins le.anlii<i (Vftdtinf 
 
 II liesk ill (I iiu'lancholij u(l!iU'{i\) 
 
 f En'.er Aiujel'uia.) 
 
 Aiiije/.- It is useless. Sir 8a)nu'd's attentions bore mo ;- fancy a 
 nian whose idea of making love is U- . xplain the eirect of the duty on 
 raw materials ' And when \ asked him if he had .seen the new at^-p in 
 the " lio.ston." he thought 1 was referring to the movements of the 
 American markets ' (Sees Clork) Sun Snifter/ (overcome by emotion. V 
 
 iSam. — Ay, lady ; poor Sam Snifter ! 
 
 AnqeL- And why poor Sam < 
 
 San\. — I am, at present, lady, rich only in unrest. I cannot settle' 
 to my work. I am peipetually thinking of the la.st time we circled 
 togeth*<r in the mazy '• Boston." 
 
 Angel, (aside). — Ah, that was a delicious waltz ' 
 
 «S'am. - -When 1 take my modest cpiencher in the ntorning to allay 
 the fever caused by a sleepless night, it recalls the sweut but exhilarat 
 
17 
 
 inj» iipgUH we sipped together ; uud when in the ufternoon I seal thf* 
 office lette"8, my emotion causes me to fh'oj) the hot wax on my hand 
 instead of on the envelojies — see these blistered lingers (extending his 
 hnnd) the ribahts in the othce say it is screwinuss — bnt / know it iir 
 »en inient. 
 
 Anijel. (looking at his hand). -Poor frllow ' Have you tried 
 arnica 1 
 
 .SVi)/>..— Of wliat avail is arnica for a woir)«led lieart f (Aside.) 1 
 will mak«i the iilunire. Ansieliv.a, voiir love is the only arnica that cf.n 
 cure mv wounds. 
 
 Atitjd. (indignantly). — Sir ; you forget to wlionj you are speaking. 
 {Asi(U\) Oh! my poor heart. 
 
 Sam. — No, lady ; I know tO(» well you are my chieftain's daugh-' 
 ter, and I only a humble clerk ; b\it 1 have expectations— -my cork- 
 8<Tew ! 
 
 Anyt'l. Sir, I am amazed at your audacity to talk to me of cork- 
 irrewis. i shall begin to think y(»n have been using your corkscrew too 
 much already. (Aside.) Oh I how eloquently he speaks. 
 
 Sam. — No, haughty lady ; nothing stronger tlian whiskey, I meati 
 water, has pa.s.sed my li[)S to-diiv. I have spoken, and I await your 
 answer. 
 
 Anytl.- \'cMi shall not wait long. Your proffered love 1 haughtily 
 n-ject. <to, sir; and leain to cast your eves upon some nuiiden in 
 your own rank ; they .should be lowereil belore youi chieftain s 
 daughter. 
 
 Duett. — Clerk an>l Angdhw. 
 
 Aiiijel. Uefiain, audacious ^-onth, 
 
 You're too assuming, 
 And on my condescension 
 
 Ai'e presuming. 
 Vou aro a humble clerk 
 
 Who .seals the letters, 
 And I the \ery best 
 
 Of all your betters. 
 
 (Aside.) If cruel fate, my love 
 
 J J id not look cross on, 
 We'd glide through life in one 
 Delicious "Boston." 
 
 Sam. — Proud lady, cease , refrain 
 My hopes to crumble ; 
 1 know that, like " Uriah 
 Heep." I'm 'umble ; 
 
18 
 
 But still, like him, I love 
 My master'* dwughi'^r, 
 
 AUliougli I'm <}uite awsuo 
 1 lUUii't ougheer. 
 
 (Exit Angelina.) 
 
 (Asule.) I»e8pite the haughty way 
 The lady snubs me, 
 I liavo a strong sr.Mpicion 
 That she loves me: 
 r;i put it to the test— (railing oil) 
 
 My friends, my friends, 
 Come here, come here ! 
 
 (Euirr Members, Clerkx, MaelJeiuleije, tto.) 
 
 All 
 
 Ay, ay, my lad. 
 
 What cheer ]- what cheer f 
 Now tell us, pray 
 
 Don't stop, don't stop ! 
 What did she say ? 
 
 Did you pop ? — did you pop I 
 
 Ham. — The maiden made an awful fuss. 
 
 And down my fondest liopes did lumhle ; 
 She said I was a cheeky cuss, 
 
 And that I'm veiy much too 'umble. 
 
 ^//, — The stuck-up thing ! 
 
 MacD. — She spurns your suit — it's j)roper fpiite ; 
 It sairvc' you right — it saii-ves you right. 
 
 *Su>»,. (tiiking a large iuk-l)ottle from the desk) — 
 
 My frientls, my friends, my heart is breaking. 
 With poison now my life I'm taking ! 
 When I am gone, oh ! prithee say 
 He died in the genteelest way. 
 
 AIL (turning away weeping). — 
 
 With poison now his life he's taking, 
 For oh ! his faithful heart is breaking. 
 When he is gone we'll surely say. 
 He died in the genteelest way. 
 
 ^Sim. (uncorks the bottle). — 
 
 Be warned mv comrades all. 
 
 Who love ill rank above you, 
 For Angeline I fall. (lifts bottle to liis moutk) 
 
19 
 
 Arifffif. (rusliing in) - 
 
 Ah ! stay your lmn<i — I lovo you ! 
 All. — Ah ! fiUiy your htnd — ahe loves you ! 
 tSavi. — (incredulously) — Loves me I 
 Angel. — I^oves you ! 
 
 jlll^ — Yes, yes- ah ' yes, she loves you ' 
 
 r Duri/Hj thin, MaelJeadeife hdg Uiken the bottle from Clerk ; 
 
 lie tmelU it, then tastes it. Pantomine.. j 
 
 MacD. — Why. it's whuskey ! — did ever ony one see sic deception t 
 It's nnfu' had- -T mean the dectsit, not the wiiuskey ; (takes another 
 ■drink/ 
 
 ' Ensemble. — Sam, Mcmlnin, Clerk anti Angelina. 
 
 This denouement was quite foreseen, 
 
 Thougli .some may think the lady green ; 
 
 Upon the stage, of course, you know, 
 
 Such scenes like this do always go. 
 
 And lover.*- fond unite. 
 
 But when the honeymoon is o'er, 
 
 » , J. I our ) , 
 
 And poverty comes to -j ^j^^ j^. ■ door, 
 
 Instead of kisses, vows and smiles, 
 And lovers' usual tender wiles, 
 
 ( we'll ( 
 
 Of course 
 
 I they'll j 
 
 scold and tight. 
 
 Atujfll. — This very night, 
 Sam. — At half-past eight, 
 7'om lilat'k. — Just while the House 
 lien Burr. — Is in debate, 
 
 «S'am.— From I he gallery 
 Angel. — 1 soft will steal. 
 
 Savh.—To " Alhan's ' (Church 
 Angel. — We swift will go, 
 Tom HhiK -A clergyman, 
 Jien Burr. — For woe or weal, 
 Angel. — Will make us one ; 
 
 Sam. — And then we can 
 ^»Y/e/.— Return, for none 
 Sani: — Can part us then. 
 All. — This very night, etc. 
 For tlie Government clerk is a soaring soul, 
 And ought to be his country's pride, 
 
20 
 
 In Hpite of low «U'gre(>, by cheek lie wins, you sw, 
 The lady for his biide. 
 He will wear kid gloves, and a cane will twirl, 
 His raouHtache will l>o waxed, and his hair will curl, 
 His back will ourve, and hia chest protrude, 
 And </«> will bo his customary aUitude. 
 
 (Kmbracing the lady.) (Cnrtinn.) 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 ScKNt:.— Ternice outside the Parliament Buildings— moonlight, 
 ('apt, MacA. discovered gazing at the moon, with hurdy-gurdy (prac- 
 ticable handle) slung round his nock. He advances to the footlights 
 and addresses the audience. 
 
 (Juj)t. — Ladies and gcMitlemon, according to receiv«>d tradition, I 
 ought to sing this song to the accompanin\ent of a " guitar " or 
 '• Laandolin," or some s»u;h romantic instrument, but, tmtortunately, my 
 musical education has been somewhat neglected, and 1 prefer this sort 
 of thing ; (turns handle) you see it reminds me of my oM politic il 
 exercises. 
 
 SoNcs.— L'ftjdain. 
 
 Fair moon, 1 don't intend 
 
 To call thee " Ifeaven's bright regent," 
 Though that would be, I know, 
 
 Strictly according to ])rccedent. 
 T merely wished to say 
 
 Things are in awfui muddle, 
 And that I quite foresee 
 
 Ahead, a j)recious ]>eck of trouble. 
 For now Sir iSamuel snlks, because 
 
 His flame of love my daughter quenches. 
 And threatens straightway to «lesert 
 
 Unto the Opposition benches. 
 And so, fair moon, I sing. 
 
 These little facts to mention, 
 A nd let my audience know 
 
 This WHS my sole intention. 
 
 (Kuler Mrs. Butterlwv.) 
 
■ 
 
 Butt. (ii*itlt) — All ' luTC is* llio cjiptiiiu. II.' Hecius in a Msuli 
 mental u o<xl — now is the time to piosH him for thut ajtpoiiitnu'nu ho 
 proiniBt'd me. (Aloml.) (Jooil eveiiinj,', «h^iir < ';i);tain. 
 
 6'a/><. -Mrs. l^itterlmii ! uiul out of the Ilouho at this time ? 
 This '\H not ^i^ll^, my ^ood lady ; Sir Suuuiol is now on his le^s, uii<l 
 von know how hourso he gets nnlrsH ho has some of your orangftH to 
 Nuck. Why. yon might he the meiins of spoiliu;^ one of his |[^n'atost 
 ♦■(Torts, and think whitt a loss tiiat wonUl he to the eoimtry. 
 
 lUitt. — Trne, dear ('ivi»tiiin, hut 1 wuH ho anxious to speak to yon 
 alxmt that appointment the Sessioji is already far advanced, and yon 
 know yon promised. 
 
 Capt. (petti.shly)— Of eourse I [iromised, w<! always do ; hut how 
 can von expect nio to anything mor»> than promise, when J have at 
 least a dozen applicants for every post likely to Iw- vacant, (AHide.; 
 And r have promised them all. 
 
 Bait, (chujige of jnannei ) Ah ! I nnderstjind. Yon think yonr 
 promises to the poor apple woman may I'o broken with impunity, hut 
 howare ! \ J have intlnenee ' Many jM embers owe me for refresh- 
 ments ! (Pulls out memorandujn hook, and jioints to it roelodra- 
 maticallv) I can hrin;; pressure to beai- <>u them — there is fUvngei 
 ahead 1 
 
 Capt. - Danger ) 
 
 llntt. — Ay, danger ' Wo |>repiire(I. 
 
 Dl'KT. 
 
 < 
 
 /></^/ Thing !ire seldom whit they seem, 
 Power will pass away like dream ; 
 <Jnee, not nuiny yours iii^'o. 
 StuUU lily yini out liitl go. 
 
 t'opt. (reHtcti\ely).—- Ves, 1 know 
 
 1 did K<». 
 
 Jii'ii. — Constituencies are often tiekle 
 
 Wlien you cciise their cars to ti<;klo : 
 ( )n a very slijiht pretence 
 Meuibers vhi'MJiimp' the. J'tin'f. 
 
 (\(pf. (sadly). — Very true, 
 
 8o they do. 
 
 I',(i't — Tiiough the syioiis you may divide 
 Some must bt^ dissatisfied ; 
 Then majorities we see 
 Dv\ indie to minori^er. 
 
 (!(' t. — Yes, / knov 
 
 That is so. 
 
29 
 
 f^apt. (aHJilo).— I Kill (liiiikinjj, I am Hiinkinj;, 
 
 This yood liidv's lieiMi a tliiiiking, 
 Sotiu'thin^ strung Iimh hww udi inking. 
 
 ^utl. (aside). - 
 Capt. 
 
 Jiutt.- 
 CapL- 
 
 Butt.- 
 
 Capl.- 
 
 ^«<W. (».ij:;nilicantly).- 
 Ihitf, (asidc).-- 
 
 -If« is thinking', ho is thinking;, 
 I'hat I ninst huvf hecii ii driuKing, 
 Somi'thinj^ strong havn hfiMi adrinkinj?. 
 
 - YcH, T know 
 'I'hat is so. 
 
 -In t.hif* misty stylo I'm clovor, 
 And could liilk like that foruver, 
 To constituents, you know. 
 We are always talkinjj so. 
 
 — Very true, 
 •So you do. 
 
 -" If relative or friend h:is need 
 At th« imblio rack to f(;ed, 
 Vote for US ; you may de|i(Mid 
 Wu will hiitisly youi- friend." 
 
 Yes, I know 
 Vou talk so. 
 
 -But wlien we'i'e in, wlij' then we say, 
 "Call again another day, 
 Just now nothing can he done;" 
 Then they grund)lo, and look glum. 
 
 Ves, I know 
 That is .so. 
 
 -Thoufrh he tliinks I'm only fooling, 
 I'll dissembUi, I'll dissemble ; 
 Wlien he sees the v/ires I'm pulling, 
 He will tremlde, he will trond)le. 
 
 Bvth.-^ 
 
 When he ^^oes ) ,, . f I"in | ,,. 
 When I .see / ^'"^ '''''^ \ she's J 1'"""'^ 
 
 He will ) . ,, f he will \ ^ 
 
 I shall I *'"''"^^'^^' ; ( I shall / ^^•^'"^^''^- 
 
 JJut meajxwhile ] must disscnd>]e. 
 Yes, I know 
 
 That is so. 
 
 { UkU Jhitt., trafiically. /' 
 
■ 
 
 13 
 
 Capt. r bpRiii'to ft'iu' tlir* oM latly may I* <ling«'rouH ; I know 
 ■be luiH I good niiiny iiiotniiers od her hooks. I muHt try and think, of 
 ■oniotliing to koep \wv (piii^t — K't nio 8«'o — there will prohahly he u Sena 
 iorKJii]) vacant soon ; HuppoHe 1 |ironiist> her that- f)r Htay ; a thought 
 •trikes nie ; I will offer her thi^ Ins|»e(;t()r.shi|> of the C<»teau Itridgo, as 
 noon UH we hav»' tieciiletl to hiiihl it ; that will give ine plenty (»f time to 
 look uhont me. Alas! dangers rnidti|»ly in every direction. 
 
 ( Enter Sir fiamuel.) 
 
 Sir Su'id. -('ajttaiji INlueA.. I am greatly <Us!i|»)toInte<l. not only 
 with yoiir danghtei-, hut with you ; 1 am afraid I shall hav(< to gt> over 
 to tlio other side. 
 
 Capt.-- A an> .sorry to hear that, Sir Samnel, 
 
 *S'jV Sauil.- The faet is, that although I have paid great attention 
 to the youii^' l^dy, and havr read to her several of tny 'iiest 8p(M>che«, 
 ulie doe.s nf>t seeuj niueh impi'oshed — sh«< actua''y went to sh'ep in th« 
 middle of them ; but this is noi all — worse rtMuain.s hehind I ! 
 
 Capt.~- a ood heavens ! Sir Sanniel yoti alarm lue. 
 
 Sir Satnl. — Sh»' ahu med ?>/,c. Why, after I had explained to ht^r 
 Hi great length, and with my usual perspieuity, tho exa.t working of 
 the N.P., slie uetMully said, "Oh, hother the N.P. '" IJothkr tiik 
 N.P. ! ! Surely, Captain Mae.A., slic lias never lieard you k; eak disres 
 pectfullv of my N.l*. J 
 
 Capt. ~\ am overwhelmt-d with ania/enu-nt. ^'ir Samuel, f cannot 
 conceive the possibility of any sane person saying •* hother the N.P." 
 (aside) though, possihly, tie N.P. may hother them. 
 
 Sir Sunif. — How, the*, do you tiecounr, for this extraordinary eon- 
 dtict i 
 
 Capt. — I can hardly .say, Sir Sanmel. She i.s a very modest girl, 
 and it may he that vo'Ji' mas.sive intelh'ct daunts her. 
 
 Sir San if.— That is very prohahle ; hut what would you suggest ? 
 
 Capt.— W(dl, Sir Saniucl. if you would kindly descend somewiiat 
 U> hor mental level, ami talk to her of more trivial matters, — the little 
 gos.sip of SiH'iety, the latest marriage in high life, the (Jlengarry caps 
 that 3'oung ladies wear now, or .something of that sort, — or if you 
 would condescend just to try a few .steps of tin; "' l>oston " with her 
 <»ccasionally, — .she uld then see tliat you wen^ mortal like hi r.self, 
 and, 1 am .sure, wo,. id yield at discretion. 
 
 Sir Saml. — It {)t a great condescension, still 1 will adopt your 
 suggestion. And, sre, she is hero — let us withdraw and watch our 
 opportunity. 
 
 '' Ii< fim up stajje. ) 
 
 (Enter Angelina. } 
 Anjf.l. (i( nfidentia''y to aud'en -e) — Tl ii is a scma. and I otight, 
 
■•■■ 
 
 2t 
 
 by rights, to .sing it ; but leally, yon know, some of the notes are ■• 
 awfully high that 1 knom T shouUl m/aeifl, so I think I had hotter 
 express my feelings in a solihxjuy. 
 
 ( ^trik'\s an attltiLilr a it " llainUl." ) 
 
 To elo|»e, or not to elope : that is the question. 
 Whether 'tis wiser to endure 8ir Sanniel, 
 And put up with his slow and ]>rosy ways, 
 Or to holt oil this evening with n»y Snifter, 
 And, marrying him, to end it 1 To elope ! 
 To marry 1 And, marrying hiiu, to have a |)artner 
 Always on haml to dance tlie •' Boston" with me : 
 'Twere a consummation dovoutiv to be wishetl. 
 To elope, to matry, to marry, ay ; there's the rub. 
 For, if we marry, what have we to live on, 
 I'^nless papa relents, and raises Snifter's salary ? 
 There's the lespect that so long makes the maid 
 Knduie a single life ; for who would tread 
 The long and dreary road of spinsterhocul. 
 i3iit for the dread that matrimony biings 
 Of d"bts and duns, and babies without »Mid. 
 'T'u .ed di-e.s.ses, and empty pockets, 
 lint, .^oft — here comes Sir Samuel. 
 
 
 
 Sir Sanil. — Madam, it has been represented to me that you are ap- 
 ]>alled by my massive intellect. 
 
 Anyel. — Well, Sir Samuel, you urt rather hca/iy 
 
 tSir Sand.-— ileixxy I I don't quite anderstanil ! 
 
 AufjeL- -I mean your intellect. Sir S.unuel. 
 
 Sir JSaniL — (Mi ! yes, 1 see. (Aside.) Of course, she means ints 
 j${ve ; the poor girl does not understand these niceties of ex[>ression. 
 
 Angel, (aside) — Don't she, though] 
 
 Sir SaniL —\f this is the case I ilesin; to express to you, r?/(oHicial- 
 ly. my Avillingnes.s to descend occasionally to your mental level. 
 
 Angel.- — You are exceeditjgly condescending, Sir vSamuel. 
 
 Sir Sanil. — Of course, it must be distinctly understood that these 
 descents are to be confined strictly to the ])rivacy of our domestic circle ; 
 in public, if you are unable to gnisp the fidl meaning of any remarks, 
 as is most pi-obuble, you must listen attentively, and when wi^ are alouw 
 tog' thcr 1 will ex{)lain them to you. 
 
 Angtl. (enthusiastically) -This is, indeed, an entrancing prospect 
 you hold out to me. (Innocently.) ihit does ainjintr ('v<'i- fully grasp 
 the fidl lorco of your reniarks, Sir Samuel ( 
 
 Sir Saml. -Wn-y few, indted I 
 
 Angel. — So 1 should think, Sir Samuel. 
 
i 
 
 25 
 
 Sir iSamf. (aaiile) — There is a ^ood deal of sound common sense ia 
 thi« younfi; lady, even if she is not very brilliant. (Aloud.) I am 
 given to understand that you are particuliirly j>artial to a dance which 
 they call the " Baltimore," or the "Philadelpiua," or some such name f 
 
 Angel. — Oh ! yovi mean the " Boston" ! Oh yes, T dote npon it. 
 
 Sir SamL — In that case, if you are ((uitc sure there is no ou« 
 looking, I shall have no objection to descend to a little " Boston." 
 
 Angel. — But crm you dance, t^ir Samuel 'I 
 
 Sir Sand. — The nuw who could invent tlie N.P. is mpahlf of 
 anyiKing. 
 
 Angel. — But, Sir Samuel, you dcui't dance with yoni- IntcUect, yon 
 <)i>nce with your leg$. 
 
 Sir Saml. — It is the same thin*;. 
 
 Angel, (aside, looking at his lej^s) — At any rate, his legs are m4 
 (vary, are or are not, according to legs) very massivi,'. whatever his 
 intellect may bo — however, we can but try. (Aloud.) Come, Sir 
 Samuel, I am i-eady. 
 
 ( Daiicf. tim '' Jioxton '" ii-dicrousiii hndly.) 
 
 Angel, (aside) — He little thinks how he has contirmed mj 
 wavering resolution — to think of going tiirough life with a man who 
 can't dance better than that ' (Aloud.) Sir Samuel, T illd hesitat*^, 
 Init r will hesitate no longer. 
 
 (Captain haa f.ntertid (Ik ring ilda speech — he comes down.) 
 
 Tkio. 
 
 Citpt. — Never mind the why and wherefore, 
 Angtdina consents, and then^fore. 
 Though Sir Samuel's fond of prosinu'. 
 And his N. P. is a bore. 
 Though he sets the house a-tlozing 
 Whene'er ho liolds the flooi . 
 
 Ijiith. — Set the meri-y bells a-rirging, 
 
 ll(nid the air witli Wiirbling wild. 
 For the union i)f Sir Saiiuu'l 
 With tilt chieftain's lovely child. 
 
 Capt. -- For a (.Iiieftaiu's duteous daughter ; 
 Angel. — For a chieftain's sinijde daughter ; 
 Sir Saml. — For a chi(!ftain's lo>ely daughter ; 
 AivjeL~~Ax\^\. a clerk not fond of water. 
 
 lUH 
 
26 
 
 A'tV,S'(jW — Never nund tlio wliy .•ui.I wherefui-e, 
 Angoliiu; co)isents, and tlierefore, 
 Though Jier iiitellfot's but slender. 
 And I fear slip's frivilo«,y, 
 Yet T think she's }pung and tendor. 
 And I might have done nincli nnm] 
 Both. - - Set the merry bells, etc. 
 
 Angel.- 
 
 Both.- 
 
 -Never mind thcr why and wlierefore, 
 Angelinc^ consents, and therefore, 
 Though they both are quite mistaken, 
 And 8ir Samuers not the man ; 
 To tJieir error they'll awaken 
 When they see the otlier Sam. 
 »Set the merry b<;lls, etc. 
 
 Capt.-^\r Samuel, T cannot express my delight a( the hapnr 
 n^ult of your expenment-your daneir.g was irresistible, f had uo 
 Idea you could cut such a fu/ure in the mazv waltz 
 
 iiir ,W..~Oai.t.. MacA.. it would be a strange thing if a Finane.- 
 Minister of my standing cotdd not cut •Af.jnre in anvthincr 
 
 f E.vlt Sir Samuel.) 
 
 Vapf..- At length I can see mv way clearlv. Bv the aid of mv 
 
 danghter Sir Samuel will be firndy bound to n.e ; a few fat inocurTJ 
 
 judicious y <listributed will conihu. the waveiers ainl if t he ""oom '' 
 
 ouly continues a little longer, I shall be secure. 
 
 ( Durin;/ this Macl)tndi:>/e hia entered.) 
 J/ac/).— Captain ! ! 
 6V^^(recoiling)_MacI)t!adeye ! You here i Ah 
 
 wTlJneour'f T"/' ""T ""'^""■^^ things, don't n llut this 
 lime 1 lome out of kindnes.s, 1 waiit to tdve y 
 
 on wanung 
 
 randan Yn'V""^' . ? '" are surely not going to open up another 
 
 oil Aa- \ ''''' ''"'^'■'"^' --iny more fe.tferso/ vn.e, h^v, 
 
 ou "f (Lvinces great terror.) ' 
 
 you 
 
 ( 
 
 You mistake niv ii.cining, Iist<'n 
 
 Drr.T. 
 
 ion, 
 
 i/r/.-i;.-Great Chieftain. I've iu.portant infornnitic... 
 Sing hey ! the very awful piece of work. ' 
 About a certain intimate relation, 
 
 t^ing hey ! your artful (h^ughter and the clerk ' 
 ^^^^^'' '^1'^ ''rtful. r.rtfd .•au,d,ter a .d the clerk: 
 
27 
 
 Vapt. — MacDeiidoyt', in connundrmDs yni i.rf s|»»'rtfcin«^ 
 And keeping mo untirely in thr dink ; 
 The answer to tlieni vainly I am seeking, 
 
 Sing hey ! the artful daugliter antl tluj clerk ' 
 Jiuth. — Tiie vei-y artful daughter and the clerk '. 
 
 MaclJ. — CJreat Chieftain, yonr young danghtt-r i.^ a trying 
 Her engagement with Sir Sanniel to hurk— 
 She means this night with Snifter to l)e Hying . 
 Sing hey ! your artful daughter aiul the cie't-k : 
 Bc(h. — The very urtfuf daughter and the clerk ' 
 
 Capt. — INIacDeadeye, you ha\e given tiin.My warning, 
 The obligation I'll not try to .sliirlc ; 
 I'll talk to Master Snifter in the morning, 
 Sing hey ! tin; sack I'll give to that young clerk !: 
 Both. — The very artful daughter and' the clerk !. 
 
 Cape. — MacDeadeye, I thank you for your warning , I will at 
 once take measures to ari-est their lliglit this will aff«M-d me ample 
 ooncealtnent — no one trill be able to se'.' tliroiujh this ! 
 
 (Lets fall a sheet of white, caliro on which is painteJ th^ 
 
 vw</.s ''Ministerial rolict/." Uohl^ it up before him.) 
 
 Mad), (aaid.')- -Ha : ha ! he don't s^m^ 013- little game. I've ♦'iven 
 Sir Samuel notice, and he'll drop on them just at tin- nick of time T and 
 •when he sees the Captain here he'll thiidc he's in tli.« j.lot too, and then 
 le'll come over to our aide ot the hoose ! How's thnt for a conspiratty f 
 
 ^ Enter Snijter, Anf/eliivi, /in'frrbn,)., ClerLf. tie. 
 
 Captain (if bar/.-, sbro-'.fe,/, )intK>tieed. } 
 
 Ex,si:MBi.r. 
 
 Carefully on tiptoe stalking, 
 
 Moving gently as ve may ; 
 While Sir Saiiniel is talking, 
 
 We will softly steal a\\;iv. 
 
 Alt. (alarmed)- Goodness, mo ! 
 
 I hei'r them come ; 
 .l/a<-/>.— Silent be, 
 
 It was the " Hum." 
 
 ( I'roniboHf note. J 
 
 (Here the c:rcer of a maf/i ■ hnit^-ia nrranrjed at 
 f'infjs or in front, so ok to throvj the shadouf of 
 a lart/e " /iaf' on the back scene, is withdrawn,, 
 the f (jure of the " bag " is s'en at bark.) 
 
28 
 
 All. — Yes, yes ; iL was tlie '• Hum," 
 Capt. --Thoy'vo right— it is a " lliim," 
 
 (Povitinij la liiiii) 
 
 All. — Call a sleigh — the fare's a quart jr, 
 >>Vi/«. (fe< liiig|t<)ckets) — Yes, but who'll d my the tare ? 
 All.-— Vox- a clergynijur is ready 
 To unite the ha|)i>y l»air. 
 
 All. Goodness me, 
 
 I hear them come ; 
 J/rtc/A— Silent be, 
 
 Again the " Hum." 
 All. — Again it was that " Hum," 
 CVfjO/".- -They're right, it is a hum. 
 
 ( Tiomboae nolf ) 
 
 Capt. funco\ering)---Hold ! 
 
 ( Shaduic as he/'oit. ) 
 (All stitrt.) 
 
 Capt. — Silly daughter ot mine, I insist upon knowing 
 
 What vou may be doingwith this Government clerk. 
 For these oflicers ot mine, though highly respec-table, 
 Are scarcely fit company, my daughter, for you. 
 Cfto^rn." of f '/r/-/..v. — Now, hark at that, do. Though highly respeeta't.U 
 
 We're scarcely fit company for a lady like you. 
 Saiii: — Proud Pre-mie-er, that haughty lip uncurl. 
 Vain man, suppre.ss that supercilious sneer. 
 For I have dared to love your matchless girl, 
 A fact well known to all my comrades here. 
 •(Jopt. -CUi .' Jiorror '. 
 
 DuKT. — ClerL and Ait'jiUna. 
 
 Yes < , a humble third class clerk. 
 )he) 
 
 Who's chief employ is sealing letters, 
 
 Forced to such pooi-, degrading work 
 
 By those whom fate has made , ' betteis. 
 
 •^ ( his j 
 
 Have I , , . . j my ) 
 ,r . dared to rise , .- - wormv eves 
 Has ) I his ) • - 
 
 Above the sphere to which voud mould •, , . 
 
 * ' ( linu 
 
 In manhood's glorious ))ride to rise. 
 
 ,r a Liv-il-i-an, behold , , . 
 
 He Ls ' I Inm 
 
 HIM 
 
29 
 
 Chorug. — Ke is a Civ-il-i-an, 
 
 For he himself hath s'lii.l it, 
 
 Ami it's greatly to his credit 
 
 Tliat he is a Civ-ili-an , 
 
 For he might have heou a Draper. 
 
 A Grocer or a Baker, 
 
 Or perhaps a Hardware man. 
 
 But in spite of all temptations 
 
 To other occn])ations 
 
 He remains a Civilian. 
 
 Hurrah ' hurrah ! 
 
 For the GovernJiient ('iv-il-i-an. 
 
 An</p.L — Dearest papa, lo not l>e angiy, nv<> oidy canw out tfv 
 ]ist<?n to the " Hum." 
 
 ( \ipt. — The Hum t 
 
 Angel — Yes, r.apa, the " Hum," you know, of tlie N.P.— it is to. 
 I..' lu-ard very plainly in the cvcMiing at this time of year. 
 
 (Utpt. — (in a passion). Oh, this is too thin— lilow the Hum and 
 
 the y.r. too ! 
 
 \[acJ).—\h-.\v : h<'ar ! bii.w the N.P. 
 ,4//._Oh : oh : 
 
 CllOKUS. 
 
 Did yo\i lu^ar him { did ymi hear him I 
 Oh ! the n)onster overbearing ! 
 
 Don't go near him I don't go near him ! 
 
 He is swearing ! lie is swearing ! 
 He " blowed " the N.P.— he •' blowed ' 
 
 Yes, he " blowed " the N.P. 
 
 the N.P.— 
 
 (During this .S'tr Sumviil has ei<ti',>'<l n,/<f rotne^i ilovm.) 
 
 Sir Samf. —yiy pain and my distress. 
 
 I find it is not easy to e.\ press ; 
 To abuse my great N.P. 
 
 Is a thing incomju-ehensible to mo. 
 
 ^>y,/._Sir Sauniel, one v/ord — The tacts are not before you ; 
 The word was injudicious I allow ; 
 But hear my explanation T im[)lore you, 
 And yo)i will be indignant too, 1 vovv. 
 
 Sir Sam/. — l will hear of no defence — 
 
 The e.vpression was too awful — 
 T 'piestion very much 
 Jf it was not unlawf\d. 
 
 HUB 
 
Kot many days from hence 
 
 I inoniise that yon shall .see 
 What is the consec|uence 
 
 Of thns speaking of the N.P, 
 ^4//. This is the const'(|ueiu'e 
 
 ( )f thns sjieaking cf the N.P. 
 
 *>lr Sluii.I.-Fov ril teach yon that the great N.P. 
 Mnst l/<' sjtoken of resj)ectful/<?e, 
 And always be regarded a.s a sacred thin^^. 
 
 0/toitfs.~- -Ami so say the Ministers wlio form his little ring. 
 etc. etc. 
 
 (Captain retires back of stage.) 
 
 Sir Savil. — (Jomc here, my worth}' young man, — for you ar^avery 
 ■worthy young man. I am sure 
 .,•".„ iJlerk. — Very much so, Sir Samuel. 
 
 Sir Saml. — How came your chitf so far to forget himself as to use 
 *uch hornble language '< 
 
 (]ie.rk.--U was in this way : You see, Sir Samuel — I am only a 
 third-class clerk • 
 
 Sir Saml. — -Don't ln' asliamed of that ; you may rise. You will 
 probably scarcely believe it, bui I myself Wiis at one time in a compar- 
 jitively humble positio?» :--The force of genius, Mr. Snifter — the force 
 ■of genius ! 
 
 Clerk. — Exactly so. Sir Samuel - that is just what T .said to Angelina. 
 Angelina, I sai.i. Sir Samuel has risen to the top of the tree, and why 
 xbould not I / ' 
 
 Sir Sainl — Sto|> — Angelina? 1 don't ({uite comprehend — To 
 whom <lo you .ilhuhi v 
 
 Clerk. — To the c:if»t;iiu's daughter — We love each other, Sir Samuel ! 
 She is the seal which has stamped an indelible impression on the wax of 
 wiy heart ! — (rush to (^ach other's arms.) 
 
 ^ll. — A very pietty simile ! 
 
 Sir Sarnl.- -\Vn\ indeed .' — Insolent subordinate ! you shall feel the 
 consequence of putting 7n,e in a tvax. Let the Sergeant-at-Arms arrest 
 thia insubordinate clerk instantly. (Sergeant-at-Arms arrests him.) 
 
 Clerk. — A moment ago you said I was u subordinate — now you say 
 I am insubordinate : This is another specimen of Ministerial inconsis- 
 tency. 
 
 A7r »y«/«/.-- Away with him I Captain MacA., have you such & 
 thing as a cell^ a dungeon cell — in this building ? 
 
 Gapt.~i)\\ dear .' yes, Sir Samuel — the whole institution is a aerie* 
 of »dh, in fact the lohole concern w one tjiganlic fell .' 
 
 Sir Saml.- Thv.n cell him at once. 
 
 AfacD.Wfi, as he has sold a mony mair in his time. 
 
 mam 
 
mm 
 
 • 
 
 31 
 
 OcTi/rr AND Ciiouis. 
 
 Clirk. — Farewell, my own 
 
 An-ge-li-iia, fan; well ; 
 This is, 1 own, 
 
 An extremely awkward f'fll. 
 Anyel. — Oh, weie it known 
 
 Who it was j)a did tell. 
 He should atone 
 
 To nie fcr this horrid xcU. 
 air Savii. — Th(! sack, the sack, 
 
 I'll give to this clerk so fell, 
 And he'll confess 
 
 That it is indeed a sefl. 
 MacD. — If he gets the sack. 
 
 And loses his love as wt-U. 
 It will, in fac' 
 
 Be a terribly awkward xdl. 
 Ihitt. — But, when is known 
 
 The secret I have to tell, 
 All will be thrown 
 
 On their beam ends ov t'- ' sell. 
 
 Sir Sdini — Angelina, J can hardly express to you ray annoyanoo 
 at this painful revelation. Ytui, who might have been the bride of the 
 financial genius of the age, to throw yourself away \ipon a third-clawi 
 c3erk ! 
 
 Butt. — Hold ! I have something to say to that .' 
 
 Sir Saml—Xow ! ! 
 
 Jhitf.- Yes, I. Prejtare for the revelation ! : 
 
 SoN({. — Ihitterbaii and Choivx. 
 
 Air — ■" My love he is a sailor boy." 
 
 You remember, Sir Samuel, you once had a nephew. 
 Who, like little Charley Ross, was stolen away ; 
 And where he was taken to, 
 Or who did abduct him, 
 You never had no notion, 
 Up to the present day. 
 
 Oh ! his uncle he did value him 
 
 Just as if he wiis his own. 
 
 7\nd his name it was Samuel, 
 
 .Just the same as your own. 
 
 C/tor.'.a. — Oh ' liis uncle, etc. 
 
 am 
 
32 
 
 Well, I'm sorry to siiy tluit I iiin tlic \cry ))or«M)n 
 Who abducted that infant, at thirteen uiontlis ohl. 
 And 1 hronght him np njost carerul, 
 And 1 got him in the Goveinnient. 
 And he is the very jtarty 
 Wliieh now yon behold. 
 
 Oil ! his uncle he did valiu^ him 
 
 J.ike silvier or gold, 
 
 And his name it is Samuel, 
 
 Now twenty-one years old. 
 
 Chnvns. — Oh ! his uncle, etc. 
 
 Sir StDul. — Then I am to understand, Mrs. Bntterbun, that thi* 
 young gentleman is my nephew who was stolen l»y you at the early 
 age of thirteen months, and has since been brought \\\i secretly by 
 you 1 
 
 Pndt. — ^Thit is the idea I intended to eonvey. 
 
 Sir Sam/.. — This is very remarkabUi— in sonu; respects it is almost 
 as remarkable as the National ]'olicy ; but, I confess, 1 should like 
 some further proof of identity. Are you in a position to furnish any * 
 If not, it is of no consequence ; as a politician, I am aware that u great 
 detd must be taken on trust. 
 
 Bntt. — I can furnish you with indisputable proofs, Sir Samuel ; 
 you remember that yo.ir nephew had a large pimple on his nose t 
 
 Sir. Sainl. (relhictively) — Let me see ! He was thirteen months 
 old — yes, if my memory serves nje, his no.se flul look r'.ixiarkably like 
 a large pimple ! 
 
 /iutL (tragically) — Examine, for yourselves, the nose of Mr. 
 Snifter — there is no deception, ladies and gentlemen — tell me if you 
 oiKserve a pimple. 
 
 A If. (examining no.se) — Yes, several. 
 
 Sir Sainl. — In that case, tlun-e ean l)e no doubt about the identity. 
 Mr. Snifter, I shovdd say Samuel, I am aware it would be the correct 
 thing to re(juest you to come to njy arms, but. as I ob.serve you have 
 \xnir arms fidl already, (clerk is embracing Angelina) 1 will content 
 myself with congratidatiug you on the distinguislied relative you have 
 discovered, (^apt. MacA., thia alters matters entirely. 
 
 Oapt. — V'cs, Sir Samuel, b\it I hope you mean to uiarry Angelina, 
 all the .same. 
 
 Sir Sornl - li would be impossible for me to mairy my nephew'.* 
 wife — or, at any rate, his promised wife ; that would be bigamy, or 
 something equivalent. Besides, 1 don't think she is massive enough for 
 me. f think that, under the circumstances, you iiad better marry your 
 daughter to my nei>hew ; and, of coin'se, as a near relation of mine, and 
 u Lower Province man, he must be provided for comfortably. 
 
■ 
 
 38 
 
 Capt. — Of conrso, 8ir Samuel. (Aside.) We will get lum into 
 the Hoiicse, and timt will l)e another vote on our side. 
 
 Sir iSuinuel. — AlacDt'iideve, voii nuist considtn- our negotiations at 
 an end. My j)riiici|>le.s will not allow me to come over to your j'iirty. 
 
 MacD. — Hoot, mon — ye're prinnpl*'.s ( Ye niean ye' re inU.reat — 
 (to audience) — he calls himselt" a Finance Meenister, and cunna' distin- 
 guish between prbwiple and interest. 
 
 Ensemble. 
 
 Clerk, AiKjellna, MacDeadei/e, etc. 
 
 Oh ! joy ; oh ! rapture unforeseen, 
 Our prospects now are all serene ; 
 
 fj ^ , > a settlement will make, 
 Uncle j ' 
 
 And we a stylish house will take, 
 
 And entertain our friends. 
 
 And every one on 
 
 And every wt!ek •; ,, ,,, 
 -' \ they 11 I 
 
 < ,, } will call, 
 { them J ' 
 
 we'll I . 
 
 give a ball 
 
 The "Bcston 
 
 ■'{ 
 
 we 
 thev 
 
 I 
 
 will dance all night, 
 
 Nor go to bed till broad ilavliglit ; 
 ^ "^'^- Itim. i '"^^'1!. I 
 
 And thus ! 
 
 I well 
 \ their I "'""' \ they'll j 
 Copt. — For I am the Captain of tlie Pai-liament ' 
 
 spc nd. 
 
 Chorus.- 
 iMacD. 
 
 Capt. — 
 
 Chorus, — 
 
 Capt. (laughing)- 
 
 Chorus. — 
 
 And u right good Captain he. 
 But kfcp a .sharp lookout, 
 And mind what you're about, 
 
 Or you'll lose your majoriie^. 
 I acted on the square 
 All through the vhole ali'air, 
 
 And it tvirned out right, you see ; 
 I was very nearly stuck, 
 But I had my usual luck, 
 
 Which never has deserted me. 
 
 What, never"? etc., etc. 
 Well, it did once. 
 
 It onlv once deseited he ; 
 
 Then give three cheers to show our sentiment 
 For the lucky Captain of the '* Parliament." 
 
 Air — " The sfea, Uie sea, the open sea." 
 
 Sir Saml. —The P., the P., the Great N.P. 
 
 That lets nothing into the country free, 
 Nothing into the country free. 
 
34 
 
 It sends up the price of everything, 
 And nmkt^s tlie producers merrily sing, 
 
 The producers merrily sinfj;. 
 Oh ! if ever we have prosj)eii/ee 
 It will come on account of the Great N.F., 
 
 On account of the (jireat N./*. 
 
 AfacD. — I have sat in the Hooso for many a year, 
 But sic rubbish as tliis I ne'er did hear, 
 
 ^ic rubbish 1 lu 'er did hear. 
 For producers, uae doot, it's all verra weel, 
 But how do tlio piiir couitumera feel? 
 
 The puir consumers feel. 
 Oh, we ne'er shiill have real prosperifefi 
 Till we knock on the head the horrid N.iP., 
 
 This liotriLle sham, the N. P. 
 
 /Iny.-The P., the P., the Great N.P., 
 
 Of opinion there secnus much diver8i/«« 
 
 Kegarding this strange N.P. 
 But when Doctors like these do disagree — 
 
 (points to MacA. and MacDeadeye.) 
 So very decidedly disagree — 
 
 About the etlect of this queer N.P., 
 There is no other course, it seems to me — 
 No other course seems open to me 
 
 But to YOU to leave the Decree. 
 
 Chorus. — He is a Ci-vil-i-an ; 
 
 For he niight have been a Draper, 
 A Grocer, or a Baker, 
 Or perhaps a Pub-li-can. 
 
 But, in spite of all temptations 
 To other occupations. 
 He remains a Civ-il-i-an. 
 
 Hurrah ! hurrah ! 
 For the Government Civ-il-i-an. 
 
 (Curtain.) 
 
35" 
 Closing Scenk and Tableau. , 
 
 (A twwfi 0/al.ferai.tinn in hi'(ir I hf'hlnif tic» im. Kutar 
 '• t'wnailit,'' /it/luwe'l hjf " liritunnia." 
 
 Canada. — It's 110 uhh voui tulkiiii,' iikn tliat »ii iiinui. f won't 1)6 
 rf^ctuted to. I'm (|iiittf ul'l hikmijxIi to ii»iiii/t' my ovvu li jiis*?. Auvoiio 
 to hear you till< >voiil(l tl»iiil< I wan not evt'ii ,/roiv.t ////. 
 
 liritanuia. — Tlmro is no donld. niv flt-ar, aUonr, your b 'in-^ i^i-owii 
 up; the only dreail in my mind is wUt-thtu- yt>u aj-e not vatij>o vtiiif 
 your Htrenolh 
 
 Can --Yo<\ nt-ed'nt V>e anxious about that^ mamma; f assure you 
 my cotiHfiftition is quite somitl. 
 
 IhU..— \ n\n very alad t«) liear it, Hiy dear, but you must admit 
 you have lieen very extravngMMt lately — Ijuilding ali thosf lou^railwavs. 
 NVliy, when f was yotir n^sy, a few sraifu coa<^lies were tjuite }^ 00 1 
 eiujiij^li for ine. W'h^re do you ex|»t;t all the niom-y i» U) come from 1 
 
 (J<it». (iu(lignMHtly) — The idea of t:tlking like tliat ! It's all vt-r/ 
 well for you, mfimma. ii» your little |»oky house, hut in Ihis great lii'^ 
 pi tee of uuue I should'nt see some of the (;hildren fiom one year's end 
 to till! other if I didn't build riilwavs (bursts intc* tens). [ never 
 would have tlH)Ught vi of you, rn iiuui;i, wjuniiig to keep me away from 
 the dear children all the w.iy otl in Biilish <'olaml)ia ! (< "ries bitterlv.). 
 
 lirlt. (corHt»)rtiiig her ) — There, there, don't cry my pet, I wuuldiut 
 keep you apart from yoiir children for the world ; but y u ku'>w, really, 
 you have been drawing on me for a great deal of mouev lately 
 
 ' an. — I Mm suie, Uinmniii, I h;tve'nt s|)Cnt neaily so much as sister 
 " ZeHl.Mid " or sister " Austi-alia " has — ,\\\{\ see •vhat a lot '. f <>wX and 
 tilings I sent you last year I — but thev , I always thought yo.i liked 
 them bett r than me; and if you don't want to give mo any moie • 
 nioiiey 1 can boi'iow it from "Cousin Joiiathau." I know he'll lend it 
 to me. 
 
 Ihit. (re rojiclifully) — !Now, Camida, this is very ungrateful ofyoiu 
 Yoiv know yo»i have always l>een my fav.rite diughter. Did'nt I send 
 you Lord Duflerin and his darling wife to helji yuu manage the House, 
 tho\igh I could ill spare him. 
 
 Can. — Weil, mannua, yon can't say we did not ap[)reciate him. 
 
 lirit. — Of course von appreciated hiu), child ; h iw could you do 
 otherwise ] and when he came bjick tlid'nt I send you my favoiite 
 Princess and her husband I .uid yet you have the face to s^y 1 don't 
 love you as well as I do the others ! 
 
 Can. (coaxin-gly) —So you di<l, dear old mammy, and it was 
 naughty of me to say you did'nt love me. But see, mamma, here are 
 quite a number (jf the gentlemen of my hou.sehold. I niean my present 
 household, for you know I have h id to make a change lately. This, 
 uiaiiiuia, is Ca[)tain Mac A., my superintendent. 
 
 I 
 
:3« 
 
 J.rif. — 1 inn j^Uid lo Aceyov, ra|it»nii MacA. Ymi ni-p i<n)nirkH>»lf 
 like oiif ul iii_y • wn |t'ojil«', xiiil I iaucy you rt'Hemble li.iii h jinrwlmt iii 
 Other u**m.\*» Imwii^h juixuml HHjH'»UMiK.e. l^'iijuinin in a. vny clevor 
 viiHii, Uit,«H I I.H\(* ImmI ticatHioii U) tell liim, tli( re ts such « diuij; aa 
 ■Leiji^r /<'«/ (•!♦ A-^;!-. 1 1h»|«* you -won't Ik? too clever, C/iipt^iiii MitcA. 
 
 (■a/>f. — I k1.«II <'IkU'HVoi- tn>t to U*, iiwitlaui. 
 
 J,rii — 'IJitiH isoiie ^<hkI Uiiii^' 1 Imve 1»osm<1 ulMiut ywi, ('a<|>t»in 
 IVlncA., and (Jiat Ik, U at, altliougli yoti are said to 1>e a little too loud of 
 yoiw |»a<ty, y<'t that, |iei80iw».ly, yon are remarkal'Iy five Innn r<'ju<»Hcli. 
 1 1ds is a very go«Kl tldug, l>Mt you «uist j'emeini)er tliat, to a j^ient 
 <,'xt+*iit, }«4J ai'e ^es^Kiiisdjk* for Um* go<»<' com! not ot yotn snljoiHlinateH, 
 aixl 1 am not too >vell satisHeil wiili tlie l»eliavi<iur of sonieof your 
 I roviii'.iiil c< adjiitofs. Will you beai- this in n)ind, i'-ajitain ? 
 
 i'aj)L~~ Y<s. iiuKJatn. 
 
 t'ofi.— Tiiiti, JiiauwuH, is Pir Sun>iiei, -vvIk) maimges ray njonoy 
 matteitj. 
 
 Jirit. — Ho ■"' <io yoti do, 8ir San»uel ! I tliink I liad tl»e pleasure 
 of SK-inj; yuu liiteJy in uiy uioiiey rnuiket, and a very good iKUgaiu you 
 «eeni to lia\e uukU-. WV are vtry ghid to see you, provi.ie<l you don't 
 conie ioo t.lt*'n. ^o i see yo*i 4ue going to make Canada a great 
 oianufacturiny country, 8i4' iSanmel 1 
 
 ^'»V iSfifiif. — We hojK' so, niiKlatn. 
 
 Jii-it. — Well, well ! I should hHV<' thought that with nearly three 
 million scjiuu-e miles of territory and only aliout four millions of people te 
 occupy it, tlait it wwild have bevm l»etter to have deo-ot^dyour^Ltention 
 in the Jii-st j»l{»oe to developing ycwir iigricidtural resources. However, 
 as I t<'ll 4iiy dimghter here, 1 mh not going to inteiiV-re witL your 
 domestic arvtuigenieiits, aixl 1 hojH' the •ex iterinient will answer your 
 expectations, 
 
 (Jan. — Now, mamnm; I nwist intro iwce to you Mr. MacDe«,d«yH, 
 my ok( wiperintendent. T liked hiin very nnich, marmna, and I am 
 ^iiite surt lie was very honest, btit somehow he didn't get on with the 
 family. I fancy it was the h:u-d times, as much as .uiyiidng else, that 
 Oiade them <)uarrel. 
 
 Brit. — 1 am veiy happy to make your acquaintance, Mr. Mac- 
 Deadeye. 1 have heard much go«<l of you. 1 am .sorry that you would 
 not allow me tooonler oii y<Hi tl»e same distinction that I have conferred 
 on soDio of yOTU* biethren. 8ir Alexander MacUoadeye wouid £ouud 
 very prettily. 
 
 AiacD. — Wre verra kind, nm'am, Irut I dinna pretend to be ony- 
 tliing mair titan a honest working mo», and I take no h^tia ol' ony 
 €m{»ty titles. 
 
 Brit. — Tnt ! tut ! Mr, MacDeadeye, that is all wxy well, but it is 
 aot very complimentary to me, and 1 fancy that sort of talk has done 
 you some harm. However, no douht you mean well, so we will say no 
 more about it. (Turns to Canada.) Now, my child, there is one 
 
-^7 
 
 •^liinjf T tnttst Tfnlly Bp«ak to you very nerjously about. 1 3on*t want 
 "^ meddle with your domentic affuira, and, although 1 can't siy 1 
 appj'ove of your going back on youf motlifrs frte tra<ie princ^plet in th« 
 way you have dont;, still T don't feel calleil u|)on to intot-fere, hut I am 
 told you are carrying on a flirtation M-ith your " Cousin Jouathan/' and 
 Mome [leople are even talking ahoutan allianco hotween you. (Re|»roach- 
 fully.) Oh ! Canada, / would never have belie veii xl o/u toell-cofiducled 
 girl like you f 
 
 Can. — (Indignant] V.) It'g a horrid atory mamma, 1 Wke "Jona 
 than" vt-ry much as a near neighbor and a cousin, but I should never 
 dream of a closer connection, and I don't believe he desires it either. 
 It is people like tliat horrid " Bystand-^r ' who have been sotting these 
 storieH abwit. Belim^ me, fnamma, iJiere'g riet/dr^ in it. (Breaks ''"' 
 into the following soug.) 
 
 Bono. — Air, " Captain's Song.^ 
 
 C<in. — For I'm very very fond of my dear mamma. 
 'fjhorus. — And a right good '* ma " is she, 
 
 ijan, — And believe me when I sj y, those who think the otber way 
 Are a very small minorite^. 
 <7/*or7/«. — And believe us when we say, those who think the other way. 
 Are a very small minoiu/e«. 
 "^an. — To help I'll ne'er be sUick, whatever foe attack, 
 Let him come by land or sea ; 
 I may flirt a bit, of coarse, but for better <sv for worse 
 I will never be untrue to ihee. 
 
 (Addressing ''Britannia") 
 
 AU. — "No; never! 
 ^rit. — What, never? 
 ML — >Jo ; NRVKK ! ! 
 
 We will never be untrue to thee. 
 
 <3raxd Chorus. — Air, " Rvife Britannia.*' 
 
 Hail Britannia! the rnler of the sea, 
 Caiia la to Britain ever true shall be. 
 
 C Wa/ve JUiffft, Onion Jack and Canadian JSnsign.) — TABLEAt. 
 
 fCurlain.)