BUNTHORiNE ABROAD; OR, THE LASS THAT LOVED A PIKATE r Act I. Scene.— 7%^ quarter deck of the Pirate Ship. Chorus of Pirates. We're the Pirates of Penzance, And again we plough the waters, Our wives you know, perchance, Are General Stanley's daughters. We fly again the glorious flag, The terror of civilization, We'ed be very sorry to boast or brag, But we defy extermination. Ahoy, ahoy, we roam the sea ! Ahoy, ahoy, we're wild and free ! We drink and fight and revel all day ? Fred.— Yes, my hearties, we're afloat once more— we noblemen forsooth, have " gone astray " again. Once more we breathe the free air of grand old ocean— the terror-inspir- ing black flag floats at our mast-head, and— 2ND Lieut. {interrupting).~Andi there isn't a sail in sight on the whole horizon, and we're spoiling for a fight. Fred.— That is creditable to you. But there is no cause for immediate mutiny on that score. Our wives are on board you must remember, and if I am not mistaken, they're ready to accommodate us in the fighting way at any moment. Poor girls, they're awfully cut up. 2ND Lieut.— Ah, you're right. I had forgotten them. Fred —Their position is certainly nut a oleasant one for refined ladies, but to carry them off with us was the only way to save them from downright idiocy. They were succumbing slowly but surely to the enervating influence of that bilious sentimentalist, Bunthorne. a BUNTHORNE ABROAD ; OR, All. — Yes, devastation to Bunthorne ! 2ND Lieut. — I beg, pardon, sir, there was one other way. We might have killed Bunthorne ! Fred. — We might, if we could have go' an eye on him ; but on the whole it is better as it is ; his blood isn't worth spilling ; it is too thin and watery. Besides, they are prac- tically as far from him now as if he w^ere out of existence. 2ND Lieut. — Ves ; and a free Pirate on the ocean is better than a nobleman on the gallows. Fred. — Very true, but enough of Bunthorne. However, let us hope our rapturous darlings may soon become recon- ciled to this sort of thing, and peace will reign aboard our ship as of old. By the way, what has become of the verdant gentleman who took passage with us under the pleasing delu- sion that we were a respectable trader bound to New York ? 2ND Lieut. — He's in the captain's cabin, sir. He doesn't seem to feel well. Fred. — And Miss Ethel, our captain's pretty ward, is still doing hospital duty ? 2ND Lieut.— That is the prevailing belief, sir. Fred. (Aside — The captain had better keep his weather eye open). — Then with such a nurse he can't remain sick long, and I've no doubt he'll make a first-class pirate when he finds his sea-legs. But here conies our captain — let's give him a cheer. (A// raise their caps.) But hold ! — blest if the ladies are not petitioning again — let's withhold the cheer just now. {All put on their caps with a gesture of disappointment.) Enter Pirate King, followed by Pirates' Wives. Chorus — Ladies. Captain, take, O take us home, Take us back or we will die, We're not fitted thus to roam, 'Neath the grim black flag you fly. Sad and sea-sick matrons we, Take us home, we conjure thee. King. — O cease this tiresome, hopeless, silly plea. Ladies. — Ah, miserie ! , King.— You know it can't have any weight with me. Ladies. — Ah, miserie ! King. — Go to your cabins, sleep or read or sew. Back to aesthedc influence you shan't go 1 Pirates and Ladies. — Ah, miserie ! King. — I tell you once more, gently but firmly, that it ■can't be done. You must make the best of your present situation and become reconciled to your nautical environments. As for me— and I speak the sentiments of your husbands here — I have had enough of civilization since I last returned to it, THE LASS THAT LOVED A PIRATE. 3 and am determined never to go back again, but as I have frequently remarked, I'm resolved to live and die a Pirate King. All the Pirates. — He is a Pirate King ! Song — King. I am a Pirate King ! Yes, I've often said and sworn it. All human law I scorn it ! For I am a Pirate King ' All. — For he is a Pirate King ! King. — For I might have gone into politics, And been up to all their jolly tricks, And stood in with every ring. All. — And stood in with every ring. King. — But I have no taste for jobbery, I'm content with moderate robbery, So I am a Pirate King ! All. — He remains a Pirate King, [Exeunf Crew. Pirate Queen — Then we are to understand that our sup- plications are in vain ? King. — Absolutely. Enter Ethel. Ethel — {rushing before the King melodramatically) Cap- tain, my beloved guardian, let me make one more appeal, one utter appeal ! King. — What, have you begun to imbibe aestheticism too Answer me, where did you pick up that adjective " utter " ? I was not aware that you also had sat at the feet of that weedy haired poet Ethel. — Indeed, I never saw that gentleman to my know- ledge, tho' I have often wished to. As to the adjective {shyly) I have heard everybody use it. And I have heard it from the lips of — of — the passenger in your cabin, and may have inad- vertently picked it up, as you say, in that way. But — King. — {interrupting) One moment. Am I to understand that you have been in conversation with that gentleman, a stranger quite unknown to you ? Ethel — No, sir — I mean yes — a little, occasionally. He looked unwell, and I thought it only common civility to offer him a lemon — that was all. King. — Beware, Ethel. Remember, no lovemaking with this young stranger. I may as well tell yoi' now, in the pres- ence of these mutual friends, who will the better understand any action I may take, that your hand is not free. I am charged by your deceased father — my dearest friend — to give 4 BUNTHORNE ABROAD ; OR, you in marriage to Lieutenant Deadeye, R. N., and I cannot allow anything whatever to prevent me from carrying out that mission. Duty, you know, is the first consideration of a Pirate of Penzance. Ethel. — What ! Is it possible that my father can have charged you with such a duty ? Why, I was a mere child when he died ! King. — Yes, he did. Here are his own words, with his own signatnre, appointing me your guardian and charging that stern duty upon me. [^Hands Ethel the paper. Ethel. — It is indeed true ! My poor papa ! But is it not shameful that in this supreme concern of the heart parents do not let their children choose for themselves ? King. — Your father was under a profound debt of gratitude to this brave lieutenant, and vowed to give him whatever he should ask. He demanded your hand, and said he would wait until you were eighteen. Your father was a man of his- word, and granted his demand, but only on condition that he rmist claim you before you reached your nineteenth year. And I have reason to believe he has chosen well, and that Lieut^ Deadeye will make an excellent husband for you. Ethel. — Who is this mysterious lieutenant ? — I hate him. already ! Duet — King and Ethel. Ethel. — But this Lieutenant Deadeye I have never seen. Chorus of Ladies. — Hey, but it's curious, very, very curious. Ethel. — I do not like his name, and his face may as mean.. Chc— Hey, but it's likely, O. Ethel. — O that my dear father, Had chosen this one rather, Hey willow waly O ! Cho. — O that her dear father Had chosen this one rather, Hey willow waly O ! King. — Pretty ward, this officer saved your father's life. Cho. — Hey, but 'twas gallant, very, very gallant. King. — So he vowed and promised you should be his wife„ Cho. — Hey, but 'twas grateful, O ! King. — I know he's sure to please you. And he'll love you when he sees you, Hey, willow waly, O. Cho. — He's sure to greatly please her. He'll love her when he sees her, Hey, willow waly, O. THE LASS TEAT LOVED A PIRATE. 6 Ethel. — Perhaps he's old and ugly, perhaps he's cross and grim, Cho. — Hey, but it's likely, very, very likely. EiHEL.- -Perhaps he won't love me, and perhaps I won't love him, Cho. — Hey, but it may be so. Ethel. — I don't approve such matches, Girls may marry wretches. Hey, willow waly O ! Cho. — True, such curious matches. Rarely are good catches, Hey, willow waly, O ! King. — You judge the absent harshly, not having seen his face. Cho. — Yes, very harshly, very, very harshly. King. — That he's a perfect picture I know you will confess. Cho. — Yes, he'll be perfect, O. King. — To me he is a stranger. Yet I fear no danger. Hey, willow waly, O ! Cho. — This lover is a stranger, But there is no danger, Hey, willow waly, O. Ethel. — Let us dismiss this conversation. Thank heaven, in three months I will be nineteen, and free from this terrible •compact. King. — But supposing he should claim you before that time expires ? Ethel. — Love to my father's memory will nerve me to do his will at whatever cost. King. — Bravely spoken. But you need not fear. His ship was cruising in the southern seas the last I heard of her, and there is not the slightest danger of his claiming you. However, remember that your heart is not free meantime, and govern yourself accordingly. Ethel. — Come, ladies, let us take counsel with our ever f&ithful adviser Frederick on this remarkable revelation. [Exeunt Ethel and Ladies. King. — She's a noble girl, that ! A true daughter of her father, and a credit to my bringing up. I can rely upon her to obey to the letter. But now to other matters. What ho, for'ard ! Entet First Mate and Pirates. And now, my trusty men, what cheer ? Fred. — Well, Captain, we appear to be down on our 6 BUNTHORNE ABROAD ; OR, luck, and the men are becoming more and more convinced that there's some hidden omen aboard this ship that accounts for it. There's not a sail in sight, and the wind has died alto- gether. King. — There is only one way to get over a dead calm, and that is to raise the wind. Dismiss your superstitious fears, my brave fellows, and let us send up an invocation to Neptune, the pirates' friend. Solo. — King. ^ King, — Let us implore him To send us favoring breezes, From this dead calmness To graciously release us. Chorus. — Pi rates. Let us implore him. Pirates adore him, Pay him devotion Who rules the ocean. All implore him. Solo. — Fred. Great Neptune rule"? t"hp Heen blue sea. And never deaf to Pirates he, Let us invoke him earnestly, — Kneel, kneel all kneel ! Chorus of Pirates, — {with Ladies behind scenes.) Hail Neptune ! ruler of the wave, A band of gentle Pirates save ; Send breezes fair to fill our drooping sails. Send ! O, send us, favoring gales. [Exit crew, leaving King and Fred. King. — This persistent calm is very exasperating to one who is thirsting for gore ; and to add to my perplexities here's this person whom I accommodated with a free passage, repay- ing my courtesy by making love to my ward Ethel ! First Mate. — Ah sir ! that is ungrateful ; but of course he is unaware of the peculiar circumstances of that young lady's case ? She has just told me of it. King. — True, I had overlooked that ! Come, I will go and enlighten his ignorance at once. Meantime do you see Ethel — who has unbounded confidence in you, and endeavor to im- press her with your own profound sense of duty. [As they exeunt, enter Labies following Pirates, Chorus — Ladies. In a doleful strain We are pleading, one by one ; It's becoming very plain We're not fitted thus to roam. THE LAS8 THAT LOVED A PIRATE. 7 Take us home ! Take us home, we implore ! Take us home, or we shall surely die ! [Seeing King they all cluster around him and repeat chorus — Captain take us, take us home — while Sailors sing — Tut, tut, this is ridiculous, ho, ho, ho, ho, you tickle us, A most absurd and silly, childish way of going on, You ought to be inspiring of us, 'stead of thus a tiring of us — Up and be piratical, or hence and get you ^ >ne. Instead of bravely standing by us Like wives so faithful, brave and pious, You go about a sniffling and wanting to go home. You're all the time a-weeping at us, and through your tears a-peeping at us. Dolefully and foolishly requesting to go home — Dolefully and foolishly requesting to go home. King. — Ladies, once for all I say it can't be done ! To grant your request would be to defeat the very object we had in view in leaving our Belgravian homes and resuming our Pirate trade. Our purpose was tu have the salt air of the ocean cure you of your testheticism. You were getting too fresh, if you will permit the expression. Here, on the deep and dark blue sea, yuu will at least be free from the personal influence of Reginald Bunthorne. [Enter Bunthorne leisurely. Bun. — I thought I heard somebody mention my name. Ethel. — {aside) It is the cabin passenger. Pirate Queen {to other ladies) — It is he I But how- changed. I would never have recognized him I King. — Why, who are you ? Bun. — Ah, to be sure, I am as yet unknown to you by name, though you have been very kind — all of you — {wiih a sweet look at Ethel) — I will explain myself. Song. — Bunthorne. Bun. — I am the famed esthete, Bunthorne, The apostle of sneer and scorn, Whose poems are fleshly and wild and sweet. Pirate Queen and Chorus, — And we are his adorers who worship at his feet. Bun. — O ! I am an accursed thing ! Patience now wears a wedding ring. I loved her very dearly, but she married Grc svenor. PiR. Queen. — Fie upon the silly creature, you were far too good for her ! {Chorus repeat.) Bun. — Disappointed thus in love, I never in society throve, Tho' surrounded by the doting — I longed to go away. S BUNTHORNE ABROAD ; OR, PiR. Queen. — Ah how often did we rapturously plead with you to stay ! Bun. — So I sailed from England's shore For America, on a lecture tour, Meaning thus to bury sorrow by accumulating wealth. PiR. Queen & Cho. — And we wish him all prosperity, good fortune and good health, When he attitudinizes. And the populace surprises With his style ! King. — Well/ we are in luck. We had entertained hopes of perhaps running down a fishing smack, or even cap- turing a fair-sized schooner, but we certainly didn't dream of taicing such a prize as this ! What ! Bunthorne himself ! It's almost too good to believe ! Crew. — It is ! it is almost too good to believe. Bun. — Pardon me, I scarcely catch your meaning. What am I to understand by " capturing." Surely you do not mis- take me for a fugitive bank cashier. Dear me, no. Don't be misled by outward appearances. King. — We make no mistake of that sort at all, Mr. Bun- thorne. We take you for what you have confessed yourself to be — Reginald Bunthorne the fleshly poet, the perverter of our wives by means of your idiotic art twaddle and old china, and when I say we take you I mean just what I say. We take you prisoner. Seize him! {Two Pirates seize 'Qu'^.) Patter.— Bun Pray give me some more light upon this monstrous incivility ; Don't imagine I shall go with donkey-like docility — Remember I have influence with the papers and nobility ; Nor dare with such impunity to perpe.rate your crimes ! Don't drive me to extremes, or you'll regret your rash temerity, For I won't hesitate to act with positive severity ; 1 may stop short of cursing you and all your base posterity, But I shall certainly indite a letter to the Times / [Struggle. Recti. — Pirate Queen. Hold, husband, hold ! be not too rash and hasty, And give this gentleman some explanation ; 'Tis only natural he should be astonished — He took your vessel for an honest trader. Regit. — Ethel. tr ij T)- * t Is there not one to whom I can ) „ ., Hold, Pirates ! , . ... > gentleman ' appeal to save this j ^ Yes, here is Frederick, my trusty friend ) , t an and relative, to whom I can appeal ! I J THE LASS THAT LOVED A PIBATE. » Duet — Ethel and Fred. Eth. — O ! save him from this fate, So cruel, so unkind ; Assuage their wicked hate, Their vengeance fell and blind. Your heart is good, I feel, Your nature yet is mild ; Despise not my appeal — Spurn not an eager child ! Fa la, fa la, fa la ! Fred. — Alas ! I cannot save This most unhappy man ; Fate, like remorseless wave, Sweeps on — all prayer is vain ! Revenge is cruel, but sweet ; These men for vengeance burn — Tho' kneeling at their feet, All pleading they would spurn ! Alas ! alas 1 alas ! Bun. — I would feel obliged for some further explanation of this peculiar, not to say outrageous conduct. Will you have the goodness to tell me why I am thus taken into custody ? Be- ware how you thus trifle with me. King. — I have already told you. It is because you are Bun- thome, and Bunthorne is the cause of our having to fly with oui" wives from Belgravia, and seek safety abroad, even in our desperate calling. Bun. — Desperate ! Well to be sure, you do look rather like that at present ; but I was always under the impression that a sailor's life was rathv.r poetic and pastoral — I had not thought of that as desperate. In fact it was on this account that I em- barked on a sailing vessel instead of going to America by a steamship ; steam is rather vulgar, and has no poetry in it. King. — Perhaps you haven't observed the flag that floats at the mast head of this sailing vessel. Bun. — {gazing at flag through eye-glass) — Gracious Postle- thwaite ! The design upon it is a skull and cross-bones — very badly done, but sufficiently explicit. It is not pos- sible that I have really fallen amongst — King.— Pirates ! ! Crew. — Pirates ! Ladie.";. — Yes, Pirates ! {they all fall to the deck.) Chorus of sailors surrounding prostrate ladies. Yes, we are Pirates all ! We are ! We're desperats pirates all ! No quarter we show when blood does flow. 10 BUNTHORXE ABROAD ; OR, We massacre great and small — We do ! We're desperate Pirates all ! We're desperate Pirates all ! Bun. — Well, really I begin to feel quite interested. I must confess I had some misgiving as to your character when I came on deck just now and observed your odiously-colored garments — no neutral tints — vile primary colors — though your dress when you left port was commonplace enough. King. — Yes, when we're ashore we're content to be com- monplace. The authorities like it better. But enough of this parley. You know us now. Take him below and put him in irons. He dies at sunrise. {Pirates are leading Bunlhorne off when Ethel thraws herself before them.) Recit. — Ethel. Is he to die unshriven, unannealed. Ladies. — O, spare him ! Will no one in his cause a weapon wield ? Ladies. — O, spare him ! Recit. — Ethel. O guardian, deaf to pity's name, For shame. This horrid thirsting for his gore Give o'er. At least respect the ladies here And spare Our poet from this dreadful doom. Chorus. — Ladies. At least respect your wives in grief and anguish pleading^ At least be noblemen and show your birth and breeding^ We pray, we pray, we pray. Solo. — Ethel. Poor fated one. Hopeless and vain our plea ; Stony and stern. Pity they spurn. Poor fated one. Poor fated one ! Would we could set thee free In our despair ; Would we could share All thy dark doom with thee. THE LASS THAT LOVED A PIRATE. 11 Cho. — {to Pirates). O, list, pity and spare, Or his doom let us share. Mabel. — O, list, pity and spare, Or his doom let us share: Cho. — O, list, pity and spare. Or his doom let us share. Mabel. — O, list, pity and spare, Or his doom let us share. Ah — ah — ah — ah Poor fated one, &c. Ethel {embracing Bunihorne). — O, Reginald ! Pirate King {separating them). — Ethel! you forget your- self! This emotion, and for a stranger ! Ethel. — A stranger. Ah ! I love him ! King — Perdition ! and am I to understand that he has dared to win your love in direct opposition to my commands ? All the more he dies. Take him away. He swings from the yard-arm forthwith ! [Pirates are leading Bunihorne off. Bun. — Never mind, Ethel. I will endeavor at least to die in an attitude befitting good taste, though I fear the lines of beauty will be quite lost on these rude and uncultured men. Good bye, Ethel. Take me away, sailors. When I am gone, think of me sometimes Ethel, and always love the lilies for my sake. Alas I there is no other being on earth who need re- member me. I am an orphan. King. — {greatly agitated) — What's that you say ? You are an orphan ? Pirates. — An orphan ? Recit. — Bun. I'm sorry you're so dull of ear, But perhaps 'twill give you joy Again my dying words to hear, I am an orphan boy. Ladies. — An orphan boy ! Bunthorne. — An orphan boy ! Pirates. — How sad ! An orphan boy ! Solo. — Bunthorne. Yes, I'm an orphan boy My parents both of them are gone. All. — O sorrow ! Bun. — No aunts do I enjoy, And uncles I have ne'er a one. All. — O sorrow I Bun. — O mariners of steel I I do not wish to wound you deep,. IS BUNTHORNE ABROAD ; OR, 'Tis bad form to reveal The fact that you can feel, Tho' 'tis quite a pretty sight to see these gentle ladies weep Pirates. — Poor fellow ! See at our feet they kneel — Our hearts we cannot steal Agiinst the sad, sad fate of the lonely orphan boy ! King. — The orphan boy ! All. — The lonely orphan boy, poor fellow ! i^The Sailors release Bunihorne, and all are weeping. Bunthorne comes forward. ) Song — Bun. Now, a stranger pirate crew I'm sure I never met ; Their tears distil like dew, — I declare the deck is wet. They're a most peculiar set : I'm not in my dungeon yet ! Ladies. — They're a most peculiar set : He's not in his dungeon yet. King. — Let me explain, Mr. Bunthorne. 5^ ^(7— King. Although our daric career Sometimes involves the crime of stealing, We rather think that we'er Not altogether void of feeling. And 'tis our standing rule That we'll not hurt an orphan's hair. We may be bad, perhaps, but we've a touch of poetry in us. You may go, for you're at liberty ; Our pirate rules protect you. An active member of our crew we do elect you ! \Shakes hands with Bunthorne. Pirates. — For he is an orphan boy ! All. — He is an orphan boy ! King. — And it sometimes is a useful thing To be an orph i boy ! Cho. — It is ! Hurrah for the orphan boy ! Ensemble. O, glorious rule ! He's free, he's free, And shall not pay the penalty ! He's now a member of our crew — A Pirate of Penzance so true, For he is an orphan boy. Our ship is clean before the wind ; We're leaving England's shore behind ; THE LASS THAT LOVED A PIRATE. 1» And if we take a prize in tow 'Twill cause our cup to overflow With glory and with joy ! He is sacred from our steel. An orphan boy, an orphan boy That's a word thi.. we can leel, An orphan boy. We'd not think to do him ill. An orphan boy, an orphan boy ! Tho' some Pirate bands would kill An orphan boy. There is pathos in the sound, An orphan boy, an orphan boy. And it stirs a depth profound, An orphan boy. When our sympathies you touch, An orphan boy, an orphan boy. We can love you very much, An orphan boy. An orphan boy, &c^ Ethel. — Noble heroes of compassion, Honor to your rank and station, Born to set the pirate fashion In the way of sympathy. Happy Poet, saved from slaughter, Happiest ship that sails the water, Happy crew — thrice happy daughter, Happy, joyous company. Noble heroes ! noble magnanimity ! Noble heroes ! noble magnanimity ! Showing such a vast compassion, Fit to set the pirate fashion — Noble generosity ! END OF ACT I. 14 BUNTHORNE ABROAD ; OR, ACT II. Scene ii. — Same as before. Man Aloft. — {without) A sail ! a sail ! Fred. — (pishing on deck with spyglass.) Where away ! Man Aloft. — {without)On the starboard bow, two points est. Enter Crew {wyously) A sail i a sail ! a sail ! Our pirate hearts are bounding. The welcome word we hail With rapture most astounding. We'er thirsting for the fray, We long for blood and booty. And every man this day. Will do his pirate duty. Yes every man this day Will do his pirate duty ! Fred. — Yes, lads, this is glorious. Neptune has not for- gotten us. 2nd Lieut. — I believe our ill-luck was all along of that Bun- thorne being aboard incognito. The moment we unearthed him and settled his case, fortune began to change with us. All. — No doubt of it. Fred. — But he still refuses to wear our uniform, doesn't he ? 2nd Lieut. — Here he comes — judge for yourself. {^Enter King and Bunthorne, Bun. — I tell you I shan't do it, if I may be permitted to speak emphatically ; I am willing to join you in murdering people and stealing their things, but I shall never wear that Philistine uniform. I would prefer to be hanged from the yard arm, providing the execution were done nicely. Song. — Fred. The lily scorns The paint of the farm yard fence; The sunflower mourns At the barn door's hue intense — She would not, would not change ! Crew. — She would not, would not change. His suit is chaste And shows a poetic mind, Ours lacks good taste, And proves us all unrefined. He cannot, will not change, -Crew. — He cannot, will not change ! THE LASS THAT LOVED A PIRATE. 15 Recit. — Fred I see the beauty of a garb aesthetic, And rapidly I'm coming to adore it, It's graceful, neat, and charmingly poetic, While ours suggest the felon — I abhor it. Aria O is there not one messmate here, Who feels within his breast awaken, The thought that in art matters we're To say the least of it, mistaken. Is there not one who shares with me, A growing hate for gaudy dresses, And in sunflowers begins to see, A beauty that no word expresses. No word expresses, Chorus 'i> Exactly so ! • Ladies. — No, not in other people's biz, Exactly so ! PiRATKS. — No, they have no curiositee. Ladies.— No more than men, that we can see, Ethel. — Of course, of course, why certainly. All.— Exactly so ! '■^^^" King. — Well, Mr. Bunthorne, I hope you may both be happy, and that you m^y find it all for the best. You will travel in America more conveniently without a wife. But, by the way, of course now that you have suddenly become a Pirate, your lecture engagements will be cancelled, hey? Never mind, you will kill fewer people in your present capacity. You know the jaw-bone is an awfully fatal weapon. Besides, my dear boy, the Americans are too raw, rough and democratic to appreciate art lectures. Bun. — But they take some interest in me, and they are wealthy. Oscar Wilde writes me that they have no prejudice against the British visitor if he comes of good family. He has given me the correct tip on the subject. Perhaps you would'nt mind my giving it here. Song. — Bunthorne. If you want a receipt for the mystery national, Known to the world as the Ameri^<3r« — Take all the elements cranky, and rational, Found in each nation and climate and clan : The pluck of the Britisher, dashing and metally, Polish of Spaniard conducting a dance, Musical taste of the scion of Italy, :-.[ /f rv-. . • Volatile spirits peculiar to France, -nK" Rollick of Irishman ; German solidity. Boldness of Prussian who fought at Sedan, Turkish diplomacy, Russian cupidity, •- > >;— - , ^ Brains of the average Canada man, .h .1 ! "^ • - . / Portuguese poetry, Scotch hospitalityj - y ^ <•* < '' Chinese rapidity, Tartar vitality, ■/^f[hiAj rwlj^^'i- African jollity, Japanese oddity, ,,';;>t.v; u .. Austrian chivalry, Mennonite ploddity, I; ' Jvu ;.:■ r?' ja;^ 2^uluish strategy, Grecian address, a'jh\:l\y^ Lt-^ f>fj »: Icelandic sturdiness, Cnhan^nesse, r;-;;:^>l :,:-h":'jrys'i.i Language Shakspearean, spoken quite nasily, ' ^i'' Restaurant bill of fare, not eaten lazily, Arabic luxury, western (?^«, i.-'- [^^-k.'ii'-h^i^ i-- .: ,'■. And the mixture of all is the American. Crew and Ladies. — Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes f And the mixture of all is the American. 2d' - ^BUNtaORNE ABROAD ; OR, - Bun. — If you want a receipt for the popular lecturer. Sure to succeed in American field, Don't take a deep scientific conjecturer, Skim off the froth that the moment may yield, Lungs of a Talmage, or mildness of Antony, Coat-tails of Gough when he gesticulates. Logic of Dickinson, if they should want any, Bombast of Ingersoll cursing the fates, Fame as a writer of comical paragraphs. Author of book that has caused many merry laughs. Hero of trial of some wide notoriety, Golden-haired youth — sort of pet of society. Highly reputed as chief editorial. Forty days faster — cadaverous corporeal. Famed for your poems, or said to be beautiful, N"oted for deeds that are not at all dutiful. Any of these, in full dress, is the plan, If you'd lecture to-day to the American ! Cho. — Yes, yes, &c. King. — Mr. Bunthorne, you will be a success in America — if you ever get there. Bun. — {Absent-mindedly reciting.) — " Ill-proportioned rooms, wall paper of vulgar patterns, badly-woven carpets, badly bound and almost invariably of bad patterns, furniture that creaks every time you sit upon it. Then, that modern monstrosity which for tragic ugliness surpasses all others, the cast-iron stove ! Black leaded roses ! Marble frock coats and bronze double-breasted waiscoats for your statuary. That awful, ugly dollar ! What was the scene which presented itself in his art work to the designer of the^Gothic school of Pisa, Nino, Pisaro ? ^\^G {interrupting Bunthorne's speech). — Hey? What's that? 2ND Lieut. — Bit of his lecture, sir, I've heard him at it before. Ali^ — O, O, O ! {rush out, leaving Bunthorne repeating.) ( Cry without. ) — Sail ho ! {All rush on deck a^ain in great agitation.) King' {looking through glass). — Malediction on the lubber that destroyed this glass. I can't make her out clearly, but she's close in on us, and I take her for a small trader that we can easily handle. Go below, and conceal yourselves, ladies : there'il be bloody work here just now ! [Exit ladies, screaming, {To crew). — Now my hearties, man the guns and clear the decks for action. Let this fellow see that the Pirates of Pen- zance either conquer or die 1 THE LASS THAT LOVED A PIRATE. 21-. {Chorus. — Pirates with cutlass6S.) Yes, we conquer or we perishi ^ >; Yes, our Pirates hearts are steeled ; • - : Tho' a lively hope we cherish .. ,«r; That we'll make thisfoeman yield. t-r,if^\ See our swords leap forth for life blood. We are eager for the fight ; We will quick subdue this stranger By our overwhelming might. • Yes, we'll soon subdue this stranger, We dread neither death nor danger. [During this chorus the King is struggling with Bun- thorne, who wants to take oflfhis pirate epautet and refuses to take a sword. He does so, and joins reluct? ntly in the last two lines of the chorus. Meantime, the King goes to rear, and sights the vessel through glass. Comes running for- ward in terror.] King. — Zounds ! we are lost ! She's close in on us, and she's not a small merchantman, but one of Her Majesty's ships, armed to the teeth and crowded with British tars ! Crf:w. — We are lost ! What shall we do ? King. — Haul down that black rag and hide every man of you. {One of the sailors rushes and hauls down /lag, while *he rest very nervously sing.) Chorus. Silently we'll creep to shelter, Breathing gently as we may. In our blood we'd rather welter Not to-day — some other day. i-- ; . .■■^■ (Chord. Shot from H.M.S. Pinafore., which has meantime aP' peared on scene in rear.) Jiminy ! there goes a shot ! Heave to, he means by that. •' > ( ) Go below and lock the hatches, v* -« Hl'.-i ' Shut out every streak of light : ,^., ^v.*^ M » . If those British tars should catch us •.>!,?.« They would want to make us fight ! {Chord, as be/ore.) .^ j i ; ;; -■>*> ^^ifg Jiminy, etc. ' • ' . i ' ; ni:^ {All exeunt hut King and Bunthorne. King looks through glass^ King.— They're lowering a boat. It's IJer Majesty's ship Pinafore ! ;. . ; r- 22 BUNTHORNE ABROAD ; OR, Bun. — Ddn't you think it would be advisable to welcome them aboard in some more becoming costume than you have on ? I can lend you somethmg. You will need a disguise. KixG. — You are right — I appreciate the beauty of anaesthetic dress now as I never did before. And Ethel, where is she ? Bun. — I know not. Alas ! I can take no further interest in Ethel. King. — Come to my cabin quick, We shall find her there. We must disguise Ethel, too. \Exeun/. {Enter Captain Rackstraw, Sir foshua Porter, Dick Deadeye, Tars^ and fema/e relatives.) Recitative. Sir Joseph. — No one aboard, That's very queer, not one ? Why by my sword, I saw some people run. Capt. — And I do vow, I heard a row Just now ! Dick Deadeye. — And where's that rag, That Pirate flag, Black rag ? Recit. — Sir Jos. Officially, I seem to be At sea ! • v\'ell, I confess This is more puzzling than a cabinet question, Of human life there's not the least suggestion. Song. — Sir Jos. But before we take the step of proceeding through the ship to discover what they're at. Perhaps you'd like me to explain how upon the raging main I am sailing with my set. Tis because I've been so rallied by the wits, tha" I have sallied forth to learn about the sea, And it's something of a bore to forever stay ashore, thj' a ruler of the queen's navee. Relatives. — For every one must see That to rule the queen's navee It is just a right and proper thing to take a cruise or two, Especially when his wife, his sisters, cousins, and his aunts are in his retinue ! THE LASS THAT LOVED A PIRATE, r ., ^ Sir Jos. — I have come to the conclusion that it's all a fond delusion to expect a lasting farae, If you merely fill an office as an empty-headed novice, and fulfil it but in name. I would never let a dentist who was only an apprentice pull a very bad tooth for me. Sauce is sauce for goose and gander, and I think no mere pretender ought to rule the queen's navee. Chorus. That's the reason I am cruising and my relatives amusing in the good ship Pinafore, Tho' I've been in this position on some small official mission, often when she lay in shore. I'm no more a parlor seaman, and, unlike these poor young women, I am hardly ever sick at sea. Then give me your assistance, there's a peerage in the dist- ance for Sir Joseph Porter, K.C.B. Sir Jos. — And now Capt. Rackstraw, what do you propose to do? Capt. R. — I am certain this is a pirate, and that the cr^^w are concealed aboard. I intend to have a thorough search made for the rascals. Sir Jos. — Very good. It seems to me that is a very sensi- ble course to take under the circumstances. In case you catch them do your best to suppress any strong language. Capt. R. — I will, Sir Joseph. Lieut. Deadeye, will you see that a thorough search is made forward. Sir Jos.— If— Capt. R. — If you please. Lieut. Deadeye. — Aye, aye, sir. lExit Dick. Lady Porter. — (to Nurse) — I hope our dear little off-, spring is doing nicely, nurse. Sir Jos. — He is in excellent hands. Isn't he, nurse ? Buttercup. — I am doing the best I know, Sir Joseph. Capt. R. — Sir Joseph, we will go aft and see what we can find. ' ' " ■ \Exeunt all but Buttercup. Song. — Buttercup. ' -^ -* -' I'm known as a worthy, a very trustworthy And well recommended dry nurse, -.. i n^ ' Tho' I once was a rum'un, a famed bum-boat wo Till I married for very much worse. I nurse for a livin' and long I have striven My calling in life to adorn. And vile baby farming and such things alarming, Long, long ago I have forsworn. ,-24 ...^.JBpNlBpRlf?^, ABROAD J Q^. ., f, .,, ijl nurse for the gentry all over the country, My terms are exceedingly low, . ,^''-" If you've a/iticipations of little relations ''^{•''^ -■•-'''« I'd thank you to just let me know. ^■'^^ '" * ^ I'm posted on measels, croup, colic and whezels, And ev-er-y infantile ill ;• Sodorifics and ?yrups, and bread and milk stir-ups, And everything down to a pill. For I'rri known as a worthy, &g. ' [Exii Buttercup. En/er Bunthorne, Pirate King and Ethel, a/l wearing as- thetic costume. Ethel. — The men of warsmen stern Have come, — my heari is quaking ! All mercy they may spurn, All hope I am forsaking. To hide ourselves we need not now endeavor, And Pirates never look for mercy — never. King. — Peace, Ethel dear, while life remains there's hope, We may elude these bellicose blue jackets, Discovery means short shrift and hempen rope, Which may be termed the meanest of all rackets. Come, Bunthorne, you're a man of rare resources, Tell us, I pray you, what our better course is. Bun, — Please calm your nerves and still your beating heart, 'Tis very vulgar thus to show your terror, Betray not beauty, nor forget high art — They're coming now, unless I am in error. Adopt the plan I in your room did mention. And lose no time, pray give me your attention. Pretend that you are poets, In dainty velvet coats. By hook or crook, You try to look. Like real aesthetic poets, To cultivate the trim. Rigidity of limb, You keep your eye on me, Arid try to do the very same. ' jEn/^r Capt. Rackstraw. •. Capt. R. — Are you the captain of this ship ? King of P. — I have thkt honor. . May 1 enquire ip what way I can serve you ? Capt, R. — By surrendering yourself and crew to Her Bri- tannic Majesty's Ship-of-Waf PInapoke. I iatn Captain Rack- straw of the Royal Navy. - -..'/-'; •• ; THELASS THAT LOVEt) 'A pfRATE. '55 King. — May I enquire the charge upon which you tlius de- mand my surrender? ,'.'^ "S^'\'.i. 1^'^!'' !T^ ^"' ,, Capt. R.— I charge you with pif^cy tin th^ "high sens. King and Bun. — Piracy ? Capt. R.— Yes, piracy. -; I am the captain of the Pinafore, I>' t/ 'H- ' Of Her Majesty's navee, :h( 4- = r I now demand your sword, < ■ ■• ^-^ 'A And rU take you all aboard, : ,, t •:::>;;;''■'' As prisoners for piracy. You can't deny the fact, ''"••'-' You were taken in the act, ''^^^oin'i'u*? -^A'^h To escape there is no chance. I recognize your craft, ^'•: "^ -m ir*'- — .••-. v/l' By her model fore and aft, You're the Pirates of Penzance. Bun. and King. — What! Pirates! Capt. K.— Yes ! Pirates I Bun. and King.— What ! Pirates ! Capt. R. — Yes, Pirates — the Pirates of Penzance. ' Bun. and King. — Ho ho, ha ha, ho ho, ho ho, You're mistaken altogether, and you'll find it so. Ho ho, ho ho, ho ho, ho ho. ^» It's an error, we assure you so ! King — I am the captain of this ship, 'tis true. But she is no pirate craft : If you don't believe my word, ^ , And think I've men on board, .' J'Jr,, ' You may search her fore and aft .^"^V , ,, >, , We're aesthetic poets two, . ^ u i., ">. "^'c'^v And we sail without a creyv," " ' ; "\ '' '" For inspiration of the sea . r We've another one aboard . . My lonely little ward. Good Captain, this is she ! Alu — What , poets ? &c. .r All. — Ho ho ! ha ha ! ho ho! We're mistaken altogether, and we find it so, &c. Capt. R. — Well, Captain, I beg your, pardon, but I could have swor. I saw a black flag flying at your mast head. King.— Sir, it was but this. A little thing I painted and hung there to dry (producing flag). It is a symphony in white and black. I will not exhibit it in the next Academy. Capt. R.— What ho! Sir Joseph. \ v i:i :>^ !' {Enter Sir Josephy relatives, and Buttercup.) Sir Jos. {examining Ethel through 'i. All. — He asked her to be his'n, " ' '' ' And she of course did listen, He should hr ve been in prison, A few short years ago. tS B13NTE0BNE ABEOAD. He took me for his wife, And shamefully he's acted ; The worst job of my life That ever I transacted. -vLL. — Dick Deadeye she did marry, And sorrow had to carry, He cut up like Old Harry. A few short years ago ! I married him for wuss, I kept my eye upon him ; As Lady Porter's nuss I'm here in timi; to stun him ! All. — It's true what she's been tellin, This Deadeye is a villain, And well he merits killin', Good Captain, please say so ! Deadeye. ^^ — This is a queer world I [Extf. Sir Jos.— I shall see the Admiralty about that man. And now, Mr. Bunthorne, you may take peaceable possession. King. — And accept my unqualified blessings both of you. We all congratulate you. All. — We do. KiNG.^And now if you will favor us with your presence in our cabin, we will break a few seals in honor of this auspicious occasion. Sir Jos. — We came abroad for blood, but some softer drink, will do as well. {Sextette.— '' I hear the soft note," &c ) ensemble. Let us now with unanimity All invoke the gay divinity, Fill our glasses now in jollity. Keeping revel and high holiday, Drinking bumpers with felicity. To their happy domesticity, To their bliss almost hystericy, When they're married in America. Finale. — Bun. and Cho. 'Tis a ease unprecedented, Fickle fortune does decide. Having graciously relented. To endow me with a bride. Cho. — Fickle fortune has relented, And endowed him with a bride. CURTAIN.