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Maps, plates, charts, etc., may be filmed at different reduction ratios. Those too large to be entirely included in one exposure are filmed beginning in the upper left hand corner, left to right and top to bottom, as many frames as required. The following diagrams illustrate the method: Les cartes, planches, tablsiiux, etc., peuvent dtre filmte d des taux de rMuction diffirents. Lorsque le document est trop grand pour dtre reprodult en un seul cliche, il est filmd d partir de Tangle supirieur gauche, de gauche i droite, et de haut en bas, en prenant le nombre d'images ndcessaire. Les diagrammes suivants illustrent la mithode. 1 2 3 1 2 3 4 5 6 HI ••"J f mm. THE LETTER-BAG OP THE GREAT WESTERN; OR, LIFE IN A STEAMER. Dulce est dcsippcre in Loco. M BY '^ R AUTHOR OP "THE SAYINGS AND uOlNGS OF SAMUEl. SUCK,'' &c. &c. uif ■ 1918 J/. CL/f. ^^ '^i^ •£-*»• ^-•,^.^.«. t>'>'- > n^ ■ PHILADELPHIA : LEA «fe BLANCHARD. 1840. H./9./f k ! *jj STKREOTVPED BY J. FAGAX PlIILADELl'IIIA. rUlNTED HY T. K. AND 1'. O. COLLINS. J C i c- CONTENTS. Dedication Page v Preface xi No. I. Journal of an Actress 17 II. Letter from Cato Mignionette (the coloured Steward) to Mr. Lavender 25 III. Do. from Captain Haltfront, of the Regiment of Foot, to Lieut. Fugleman 31 IV. Do. from a Midshipman of 11. M. S. Lap- wing to an Officer of the Inconstant . 40 V. Do. from John Skinner (Butcher) to Mary Hyde 48 VI. Do. From one of the Society of Friends to her Kinswoman 53 VII. Do. from a New Brunswicker to his Friend at Fredericton 59 VIII. Do. from an Abolitionist to a Member of Parliament 67 IX. Do. from a Cadet of the Great Western to his Mother 79 X. Do. from a Lawyer's Clerk 80 XI. Do. from aTravellerbefore he had travelled 84 XII. Do. from a Stoker 91 }^II. Do. from a Stockholder of the Great West- ern to the Secretary 96 XIV. Do. from a Servant in search of a place . 103 (3) IV CONTENTS. XV. Letter from a French Passenger to his Friend in London 108 XVI. Do. from an Old Hand 113 XVII. Do. from an American Citizen 117 XVIII. Do. from Elizabeth Figg to John Buggins 124 XIX. Do. from the Son of a Passenger 130 XX. Do. from the Professor of Steam and As- tronomy (otherwise called the Clerk) to the Directors 135 XXI. Do. from Moses Levy to Levi Moses 142 XXII. Do. from a Servant of a Family travelling to Astoria 145 XXIII. Misdirected Letter No. 1— From a Colonist to his Father 151 XXIV. Misdirected Letter No. 2— From a Colonist to his Brother I54 XXV. Letter from a Loco Foco of New York to a Sympathiser of Vermont 156 XXVI. Do. from a Coachman on the Rail-Road Line 164 XXVII. Do. from the Wife of a Settler who cannot settle 170 XXVIII. Do. from the Author 180 U\ (I ■<«^* «-» *1. ^ . ./■ DEDICATION. \ U\ (I •> TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE LORD JOHN RUSSELL. My Lord : Your Lordship will, no doubt, be at a loss to understand how it is, that you have had the honour of this dedication conferred upon you, which you had so little reason to expect ; and, as you have never seen, and probably never heard of, the author, must be con- scious you have done so little to him to deserve ; and it is but reasonable and just that I should explain tlie mo- tives that actuated me. Dedications are mendacious effusions, we all know ; and honest men begin to be ashamed of them, as reflecting but little honour on the author, or the patron ; but in a work of humour, an avowal of the truth may well find a place, and be classed among the best jokes it contains. I have se- lected your Lordship, then, as my Meca3nas; not on account of your quick perception of the ridiculous, or your powers of humour, but solely on account of the very extensive patronage at your disposal. Your Lord- ship is a colonial minister, and I am a colonial author ; the connexion between us, therefore, in this relation is, so natural, that this work has not only a claim to your protection, but a right to your support. All the world will say that it is in vain for the whig ministry to make I* (v) } VI DEDICATION. protestations of regard for the colonies, when the au- thor of that Uvely book, " The Letter-Bag of tiie Great Western," remains in obscurity in Nova Scotia, lan- guishing for want of timely patronage ; and posterity, that invariably does justice, (although it is, unfortunately rather too late, always) will pronounce that you failed in your first duty, as protector of colonial literature, if you do not do the pretty upon this occasion. Great men are apt to have short memories ; and it is a com- mon subject of complaint with authors, that they are materially injured by this defect in their organization. Literary men, however, may ascribe much of the dis- appointment they experience, to their own disinge- liUousness. They usually begin by expressing great diffidence of their own talents, and disparaging their own performances, and end by extolling the acquire- ments, the liberality, and the discernment of their pa- trons; and the l*Uter generally admit thfe truth of both these propositions, which is all that is required of them, and there the matter ends. I prefer the more straight- forward course of telling the truth ; and so far from de- tracting froin the merits of this work, and undervalu- ing myseif, I am bold to say, it is quite as good a book* and as safe in its tendencies, as those of a certain fashionable author, who found favour at the hands of your party, and is therefore eminently entitled to your special regard. I have inscribed it to you, accordingly, not for the purpose of paying a compliment to your Lordship, but that you may have an opportunity of paying a very substantial compliment to me. — Like an eastern pre- sent, it is expected that it should be acknowledged by one of still greater value ; and, in order that there may •t* T DEDICATION. Vll be no mistake, I beg your Lordship to understand dis- tinctly, liiat its merits are very great, and that tiie re- turn should be one suitable ior your Lordship to give, and me to receive; and not such a one (as the Cana-r dian rebels said to Lord Durham) " as shall be unwor- thy of us both." Now, my Lord, I had the pleasure of being in England during the coronation, and the high honour of being present at it. I will not say I crossed the Atlantic on purpose, because that would not be true ; but I can safely say, not that I would go twice as far to see another, because that would be treasonable as well as false, but that that magnificent spectacle was well w^orthy of the toil of going twice as far for the express and sole purpose of witnessing it. The enthusiasm and unanimity of feeling that pervaded all classes of the assembled multitudes, gave a charm and an influence to that gorgeous ceremony, that neither rank, nor riches, nor numbers can ever bestow. Upon that occasion, the customary honours, promo- tions, medals, ribbons, and royal favours, were distri- buted among those of Her Majesty's subjects who were supposed to be distinguished for their loyally and de- votion. Few of them, however, have since shown by their conduct, that they were worthy of it. Instead of be- ing overwhelmed with gratitude, as I should have been, had my merits been duly appreciated, these people have filled the country with their lamentations. The army complains that its rewards are by no means ade- quate to its deserts. The navy proclaims, with a noise resembling that of a speaking-trumpet, that it has not been honoured in an equal manner with the army ; and the East India legions say that the navy and >,* •/ Vlll DEDICATION. Queen's troops have monopolized every thing that was valuable, and left for them only enough to mark their interiority. Ail this is very amusing, but very ungrate- ful. Pets are always troublesome. I wish them all to understand, and you, too, my Lord, that the colonies not only did not obtain their due share cf notice, but were forgotten altogether, notwithstanding the thou- sands of bravo and loyal people they contain. They were either overlooked, amidst the numerous prepara- tions for that great event, or the cornucopia was ex- hausted, before the hand that held it out had reached half-way across the Atlantic. Your Lordship was a strenuous advocate, in days gone by, for extending representation; and, therefore, though no whig myself, I beg leave to extend this repre- sentation to you, because you were not then in the colonial ofHce ; and I know of no man there w^ho will inform you of the mission. To show you the want of liberality in those who, for years past, have made the selection of names for loyal favour, it is only neces- sary to point to the case of certain persons of colonial extraction. Now these very impartial judges of merit appear to have forgotten that they were advanced before, and already covered with honours. How much more yist, then, as well as more courteous, would it have bee-n in them, to have waited for their last step, until we had effected our first ! But this is not all — some of them were appointed to govern a distant pro- vince ; then Ireland ; afterwards to preside over all the colonies; and subsequently to direct the Internal affairs of the nation in the Home Oifice. In your hu- mid climate, it never rains but it pours; but in the colonies, as in Ervpt, it never rains at all — even the I i i DEDICATION. ix dew is wanting. How many of these honours, my Lord, would these persons have reaped, had their pre- decessors remained colonists; and not shown their sense and foresight, by a timely removal to a country in which the lottery of life contains all these brilliant prizes, instead of a mass of blnnks, as with us ! What is the necessary qualification for advancement? Is it talent and industry '( Try the paces and bottom of the colonists, my Lord, and you will find they are not wanting. Is it humbug? There are some most ac- complished and precious humbugs in all the provinces ; men who would do credit to any government, and understand every popular pulsation, and accelerate or retard its motion at will. Is it agitation? The state of Canada shows how successful we are in the exercise of that laudable vocation. Is it maintaininsr the honours of the national flag? The most brilliant naval achievement of the American war ; the first that occurred after a scries of defeats ; and the last of the same gallant style, was the act of a colonist , and the Chesapeake was conducted into the harbour of Halifax by a native of the town. lias he ever been rewarded by any of those special marks of favour that distin- guish those peculiarly happy men — the sons of the free- men of a little English corporation ? We aflbrd a wide field for the patronage of our more fortunate brethren at home; and Governors, Admirals, Commissioners, and Secretaries, are first promoted over us, and then rewarded with further pro- motion for the meritorious endurance of a five years' exile among the barbarians. Like a good shepherd, my Ivord, open the gates, and let down the bars, and permit us to crop some of our X DEDICATION. own pastures, that frood food may thicken our fleeces and cover our ribs; for the moanings and bleating of the flock, as they stretch their heads over the fence that excludes them, and regard with longing looks the rich herbage, is very touching, I assure you. It does not become me, my Lord, to say what I do expect for myself; but if the office of distributor of honours and promotions among colonists, is vacant, as there are no duties to perform, and the place is a sinecure, it would suit me uncommonly well, and afford me leisure to cultivate talents that are extremely rare among the race of officials. Such a step would confer great honour on your Lord- ship, and do me justice. Having committed so great an error as to omit th^^ colonists, on that joyous occa- sion, as if we were aliens, it would show great mag- nanimity to acknowledge it now, and make reparation. This, my Lord, is the object of this dedication ; and if that object be attained, it will then be in my power, should I ever again make my appearance be- fore the public, to have something to extol besides my own book, and another person to laud besides Your Lordship's most obedient Humble servant. The Author. Nova Scotia, Nov. 15, 1839. V i PREFACE. I i i} Whoever may condescend to read these elegant epistles will naturally enquire how they came into my possession, and by what authority they are now given to the world. The question is certainly an important one, because if it shall appear that the secresy of the Post-Office has been violated, there will be a " corre- sponding" diminution of the confidence of the Public in this department. The obvious inference is, I con- fess, either that the Postmaster-General has been guilty of unpardonable neglect, or that I have taken a most unwarrantable liberty with his letter-bag. — Under these circumstances I regret that I do not feel myself authorized even in my own justification to satisfy the curious reader, and that the only reply I can give at present is — Ask Spring Rice — He is a " frank" man and no one that has ever listened to his serious refuta- tion of the absurd story about his colleagues' whiskers, can doubt that he will give the necessary explanation. He is devoted to the cause of men "of Letters" and delights in "forwarding" their views. Whatever his consistency may be, few men aim at "uniformity " so much as he does. He has reduced the postage, and though maijy persons accuse him of being "penny-wise" in this matter, the result will show that it is not he but the public that will be "pound-foolish" in the end. This must remain therefore in an " envelope " of mys- tery until he chooses to remove the " seal " of secresy. (xi) Xll PREFACE. To the American reader it may be not altogether un- necessary to state that " Spring Rice," like many other words and terms, has a difierent meaning on different sides of the Atlantic. In America it signifies a small grain raised in low land amid much irrigation, in Ire- land a small man reared in boggy land amid great irri- tation ; and the name of " Paddy " is common to both. In the former country it assumes the shape of " arrack liquor," in the latter " arack " rent. In both there is an adhesiveness that is valuable, and they are prized on that account by a class of persons called " Cabinet makers." The Spring Rice I allude to is the man not the grain, and as an Irishman it is " in the grain of the man " to have his attention directed to " transporta- tion." It is a national and natural trait in his character. Former Governments tranquillised Ireland by trans- porting men, he more humanely by transporting Let- ters. He has therefore wisely connected national education with national postage, for it is obvious there will be few letters where onlv a few can write and read. Indeed it is natural to suppose that a people who deal in " Letters " and supply the English market will become " literary " men, and an Irishman will be at no loss to comprehend how " less fare " is fairer than more, or how a whole population that are often in a state of starvation can rejoice in a " reduced fare." It is unkind to call this enlightened plan a " catch- penny," or to stigmatize a man who is in advance of the age as a post man. Equally unhandsome is it to attempt to deprive him of the honour of the invention, by saying the idea is borrowed from the penny maga- zine, penny encyclopedia, and other similar works; for i ♦. PRBFAGE. xin it is truly Irish in its conception. If he received a hint from any one, it was from O'Connell and his penny rint. — Justice to Ireland requires there should be no " Dublin " of postage, and that he whose care is our " ways and* means," should himself be careful not to be " mean in his ways." — It is absurd to say that because the postage is rendered uniform, and one letter pays no more than another, the salaries of the officers should be rendered uniform also, and the Postmaster-General be paid no more than his Clerk. It is true, the poor write few letters now, because the postage is too high, and that they will be induced to write extensively as soon as the penny system is adopted, and thereby to "forge" their own chains; but they will have no right to complain of this increased expense, because it is optional with them, whether they incur it or not: the only question is, whether we have not " poor writers" enough already. We shall gain in quantity by this im- proved plan in proportion as we lose in quality, and require a new " Letter press." Instead of a condensed style we shall have condensed letters, and in place of diffuse composition, composition diffused. My Patron, tired of screwing the Public, will screw epistles, and become King of the Penny-a-line tribe. It cannot be denied that there is ground to fear that writing letters (or, as a Lord Minto would say, to prove his knowledge of naval matters, 'sheeting it home,') will soon become the business of life. It is easy to say of yourself that you are not at home, but not so easy to say so of your fingers, which are always do- mestic in their habits ; and you cannot avoid writing, now that the excuse of waiting for a frank is removed. Lovers must expect " frank" incense by mail no longer. XIV PREFACE. It is said there will be seven times as many letters written under the new system, as there are now. What a prospect for a man who, like me, is dying of an epistolary plethora, or, like the tailor in the play, whose correspondence extends even to Constantinople ! Universal " sufferage," I fear, will be the inevitable re- sult. But he is a courteous man, is my Patron ; nay, a polished man ; whence a certain paper, with similar qualities, is usually called " Rice paper," to denote its peculiarities. He will doubtless give every explana- tion that is required, and if you persist, gentle reader, in your desire to be further informed on this subject, I can only repeat what I have already said, — Ask Spring Rice. Sir Robert Peel has enlarged upon the loss of reve-; nue likely to accrue from this measure, and says he objects to it, " on principle." Now, I approve of it, " on interest." It may do very well for him who has all his correspondence franked, to talk in this style; but what are poor Colonists to do, who never saw a member of parliament, or a frank either? Although no whig, I desire an extension of the * Frank'-chise. The only objection I make to the measure is, that there is any postage at all; and I hold that while the " schoolmaster is abroad," a good government should carry our letters for nothing. It is idle for the ad- ministration to talk of encouraging emigration, while they impose a tax on the transmission of every " mail." High postage precludes all correspondence. It is, as a lady of my acquaintance most delicately calls it, a " preventive check" to what Joseph Hume, with his usual accuracy of language, terms " pen-urism." It ^ PREFACE. XV re- use, lere the ould ad- vhile lail." s, as it, a his It has puzzled some people most amazingly to know, if all the pennies go for postage, where the " rint" is to come from ; but that is their affair and not mine, and I give notice that unless my letters are carried " free," I shall agitate for a repeal of the Union " with Nova Scotia." It is no answer to me that " single" letters are to be rated only at one penny. What are to be- come of " double entendres ?' and what reason is there that wit should be taxed ? Nor am I better satisfied to find that there is to be an increase in the scale, pro- portioned to the weight of the letters. This will fall particularly heavy on me, whose letters have always great weight in them. I am for going the hog — the whole hog — and nothing but the hog. In justice to my friend Captain Claxton, and the Board of Directors at Bristol (from whom, upon a recent occasion, when personally suggesting the pro- priety and discussing the feasibility of establishing a steam communication with Nova Scotia, I received the most friendly and courteous treatment), I ought to state that I was myself one of the passengers on board of the Great Western during the voyage when this letter-bag was made up ; indeed, as a corpulent man, I may add, with more truth than vanity, " quorum magna pars fui." From my personal experience, there- fore, I can say that the writers of several of these ietteis uave drawn largely upon their imagination, and that I should feel that I neither did justice to its enter- prising and meritorious owners, nor to my own feel- ings, if I did not avail myself of this opportunity to express my unqualified approbation of ihis noble ship, the liberal provision for tiie comfort of the passengers, XVI PREFACE. and my admiration of the skill, unremitting attention and urbanity of its commander. Captain Hoskins will doubtless feel much astonished to account for the mode by which I became possessed of these letters ; but I trust he knows me too well to require any other ex- planation than what I have already given — Ask Spring Rice. ■ I ion viU Dde It I ex- isk THE ■ ■^.">-r- %■ • .'•^•> LETTER-BAG OF THE GREAT WESTERN. No. I. THE JOURNAL OF AN ACTRESS. Dear Laura — Instead of writing you a letter, I send you the leaves of my Atlantic Journal. 22d March. — Every actress that visits America, plays her part in a Journal : why shouldn't poor little me ? IIow I loathe that word actress ! it is heartless, made up, artificial, imitative, a thing without a soul ; but such is life. We call a fool a natural, the more fools we for doing so. My Journal shall at least be mine own — not the utterance of the thoughts of others. Bonneted — band-boxed — packed up — and packed off". Steamed down the river (what an unpoetical word is that steam !) in a small crazy craft, to where our most (read spacious for gracious) queen of the seas, the Great Western, lay to receive us. Nothing can exceed the beauty of the scenery on the river. Pro- digious v/alls of carboniferous lime-rock (what a beau- tiful Bridgewater-treatise-word that carboniferous is ! 2* (17) 18 THE LETTER-BAG OF how Greenough and Buckland and geological-like it sounds ! had it been manufactured at Birmingham it would have been carbony,) rise in precipitous boldness and majestic grandeur, to a height of three hundred feet above the water-mark ; after which, the country, gradually laying aside its armour and emerging from its embattlements, assumes the more pleasing and gen- tle forms of sloping hills, verdant glades, and arable fields. 'Tis the estate surrounding the Keep, the watch-tower, and the castle ; the warrior within — the peasant and the shepherd without. At one point we passed the site of the intended aerial bridge, a bold conception — too bold and too grand ever to have sprung from the muddy heads of the Cranes and Bitterns of Bristol. A rope waved gracefully across the yawning chasm, so slender and so small as to resemble the silken thread of the spider, who is the first and best of Nature's architects and bridge builders. It was almost an ideal line, it was so tiny. It would have passed for a mathematical one if it had been straight, it was so imaginary ; but slight as it was, it afl[brded a secure support for a basket containing two passengers, who were thus conveyed with the rapidity of birds from one of the precipitous banks to the other. It was Ariel and his companion descending on a sun- beam. — It was a pretty idea, and I couldn't help say- ing so, when an American observed — I once hailed a steamboat on the Mississippi and asked the usual ques- tion — "Where are you from?" to which the skipper replied — " from Heaven." " How did you come froni there?" " I greased the seat of my trowsers and slid down on a rainbow!" " What a barbarian !" I cried with vexation — it dashed away at one rude blow all the creations of my fancy. How I hate those Republicans, ihey are so gross, so unimaginative, so barbarous ! If a ray of light, a spark of divinity ever penetrates their cavernous minds, it is like applying the lamp to the lire-damps of the subterraneous excavations, it ex- i ^ § % THE GREAT WESTERN. 19 IS, a tir lie X- plodes and destroys both. Still my attention was riveted, (I fear that word is shoppy, — I think it is blunting the end of a nail after it is driven in, to pre- vent its extraction — I like etymology, and will ask my brother to-morrow : if it is so, I " transport him for life") my attention was attracted, I should rather say, by the sudden stoppage of this little mimic balloon in midway, when a cheer was given from this winged chariot of the sky, and a musket was discharged, the quick, sharp report of which was echoed and rever- berated for some minutes among the rocks and caverns of this stupendous gorge. When the last sounds faded on our ears, a deafening cheer was returned from our steamer with hearty good will, and we passed on. How animating is this cheer, so different from the vile clap- ping of hands of the odious theatre ! oh that my ears may never again be profaned by that gas-light, heart- less, unmeaning welcome ! .... Came on board . . . a crowd — a mob — how I hate them — descended into the — what ! — Gracious Heavens into the saloon ! — must we carry with us the very phraseology of the house ! — Shall Drury persecute me here ! — Shall the vision of the theatre be always present ! oh spare me, I see the spectres of the real saloon of that vile house rise up before me — the gentlemen blackguards — the lady courtezans. I rushed into my cabin, coffeed, wined, and went to bed sobbing, 23d. Bedded all day .... that word saloon has haunted me ever since .... rose in the evening — pet- ticoated, shawled, gloved, and went and took a last look on dear old England, the land of " the brave and free" — oh that word last — the last look, last sigh, last farewell, how it sinks into the heart, how it speaks of death, of disembodied spirits — of the yawning grave. It lets down the strings ; it untunes the mind : I was mourning over it to my brother, I was comparing notes with him, getting at his sensations on that dread- ful word, last ; when that odious American broke in. 80 THE LETTER-BAG OF unasked, with his "sentiment" — "Yes, female," said he, beast that lie is, why did he not say "she one" at once '( It is more animal like, more beautified even than his expression — " Yes, female, I say damn the last too, as the shoemaker did when he tried to straighten himself up, after havin^^ worked upon it all day." I thought of dear Lord 13., how he would have expired, exhaled, evaporated at such an illustration, and then I sighed that I had seen him too for the last time. 24th. Furious gale — the spirit of the great deep is unchained, and is raging in furious strides over the world of waters. The mountains rise up to impede him, and the valleys yawn at his feet to receive him. The ocean heaves beneath his footsteps, and the clouds fly in terror from his presence, the lightning gleams with demoniac flashes to illumine his terrific visage, and the thunder is the intonation of his voice. Sheeted, blanketed, and quilted, I remain enveloped in the dra- pery of my bed, my thoughts looking back into the past, and timidly adventuring to peep into the future, for some green spot (oh that dreadful theatre, I had nearly written Green Room) to pitch its tent upon, to stretch itself out by the cool fountain and — luxuriate. 25th. The tempest is past, but we heave and pitch and roll like a drunken thing, groaning, straining, creaking. — The paroxysm is past, but the palpitations have not subsided ; the fit is over, but the muscular contractions still continue. — It is the heaving chest, the convulsed breath, the pulsations that remain after the storm of the passions has passed away. 26th. Rose, toileted and went on deck: what a lovely sight ! The sea lay like a mirror, reflecting the heavens on its smooth and polished surface. — Light clouds far away in the horizon look like the snow-capt summits of the everlasting hills, placed there to confine this sea of molten glass within its own dominion, while distant vessels with their spiral masts and silvery drapery rise from its surface, like spirits of the deep, come to THE GREAT WESTERN. 21 look upon and woo the gentle Zephyrs. — Sea-nymphs spreading their wings and disporting on their Hqui.l meadows after their recent terror and affright. They seem Hke ideal beings — thoughts traversing the mind — shadows or rather bright lights — emanations perhaps, rather than self-existences — immaterialities — essences — spirits in the moonlight. — Wrote journal — mended a pair of silk stockings, hemmed a pocket-handkerchief, night-capped and went to bed — to dream — to idealize — to build aerial castles, to get the hysterics, and to sleep. 27th. Altered my petticoats, added two inches for Boston puritans and Philadelphia quakers, took otFtwo for the fashionables of New York, three for Baltimore, and made kilts of them for New Orleans. — Asked Steward for books: he brought me " the life of corporal Jabish Fish, a hero of the American revolution, in five volumes," put it in my journal, a good story for Lord W , who is a hero — chattered — sung and german- ized with General T (not conversed, for no Ameri- can converses, he proses, sermonises or pamphleteers). — Toddy'd, poor dear Sir A taught me that, and I wish he were here to " brew " for me now, as he used to call it. — There certainly is inspiration in whis- key, and when temperance opened the door, poetry took flight, and winged its way to heaven. It is no longer en inhabitant of earth — ah me, we shall hold high con- \^cse whh angel spirits no more. It is all Brummagem now — all cheap and dirty like its coaches — Bah 1 28th. General T says, he is glad I did not marry before I left England, for Vestris doing so was taken as a quiz on the starched Yankees. — Mem, wont marry on board, and if I take a republican may the devil take me without salt, as the Marquis of W says — I wish I were a man, an Englishman though, for men choose, women are chosen — to select is better than to be selected, which is bazaar-like. — What's the price of that pretty bauble '? — Ah, I like it, send it home, play 82 THE LETTER-BAO OF with it, get tired, throw it aside, no hann in that, to be scorned is nothina;, it is pleasant to scorn bacii again, hut to he supplanted, ah, there is the ruh. I have a head-ache; the hillow lor my j)illovv, I will be a child again and be rocked to sleep. i2J)th. A shout on deck, all hands rushed up, wlat a strange perversion of terms is this. It is a waterspout; flow awiul ! The thirsty cloud stooping to invigorate itself with a KE. URED oard de now is h I ab VIr. La- een de Dcople's you ab hold a lore by ind lee- is more nd my dcy do. stupid, (Cat no- o cavy all: I t good ^^ for noting lubbers ; and I ire coloured people in dere plaice. Dey werry much more better den de trash ob whites ; but still dey no please me, for I neber like to see de grass grow under de feet ob de waiters, and dere is too many for me to look arter all alone myself. De Captain he man-o'-war buccra, and dey is all cussed stifl', and most too big men fore dere breeches ; and when he walky de deck, he only see de stars and de sun ; he no see de ship an de passenger, but leab all to me, which give me an everlastin sight ob trouble. He ought to come and help me at de bar hissef, so he had ought; but he too proud for dat, and so is all dem what has de swab on de shoulder, — and proper hard bargain de queen hab of some of dem too, I tell you, Mr. Labender. By Golly ! but I most wore out, and dat is de truth. Steward here, and steward dere, and steward ebery where ! Well, I say, ' coming, sar !' but 1 takes care neber to come to none at all, and when dey is tired ob calling dcy come ob demselves to me, and find out to de last it would be ebery bit as good for em to hab com at first and sabe dere wind to cool dere soup wid. But I makes sception ob de Ladies, de dear critturs : I do lub em, and likes to tend on em, dey is so helpless, poor tings. But one ting I must say, and dat is, de white ladies do lub werry stiff grog, werry stiff, indeed, Mr. Labender : you ab no notion ob it, no more den a child. * Steward, a leetle weak, werry leetle weak brandy and water; but mind and let him be werry weak.' Yes marm, I say, and away I goes to mix it. Poor leetle tings, I knows werry well what werry weak means ; it means half and half, jist as I likes him mysef. Well, when I takes it to de lady, she makes a face like de cabbage-leaf, all puck- ery, puckery, wrinkely, wrinkely ; and arter eber so leetle ob a swig at it, she gibs him back agin to me: * Oh ! steward !" she say, * how could yaw ! dat is too trong; put in a leetle drop more water, dat is a good steward.' Well, I knows what dat means, too ; so I ,. ^ 88 THE LETTER-BAG OF goes back and puts in one glass brandy more, and two lumps ob de sugar more, and stir him up well vvid de spoon, and gib him a leetle nutmeg for de flavour: try dat, marm, I say ; see how you like him ; I most fear he too weak now. *No, steward,' she say, and she smile werry sweet, de leetle dear; *dat will do werry well, now ; dat jist right, now. Always take care to mix my brandy and water weak, for I isn't used to him trong, and he gets into my head.* Yes, marm, I say ; now 1 knows your gage, I fit you exacaly to a T, marm. De dear leetle critturs, de grog he do warm em hearts, and brighten de eye, and make him werry good natured. I knows dat by mysef ; I always feels better for de stiff' glass ob grog. Poor leetle tings, but dey do like him werry stiff', werry stiff', indeed ; it is actilly astonishin how stiff" dey do takes him. As to de men passengers, I always let him shift for demselves, for dere isn't werry few ob dem is real su- perfine gentlemen, but jist refidge a leetle warnished ober de surface, like all pretence. Dey all make him believe dat dey know wine ; when, dam em, dere isn't hardly none ob em know him by name even. One buc- cra says, ' Steward, I can't drink dis wine ; it is werry poor stuff; What de debil do you mean by gibbin me sich trash as dis? he no fit to drink at all : change him direcaly, and gib me some dat is fit for a gentleman.' Well, I takes up de wine, and looks at him werry knowin, and den whisper in his ear, not to speak so loud, lest ebery body hear ; and I put de finger on my nose, and nods ; and I goes and brings him anoder bottle ob de werry identical same wine, and he taste him, smack his lip, and say, ' Ah ! dat is dc wine, stew- ard ! Always bring me dat nine, and I remember you when I leab de ship.' Hush ! I say, massa ; not so loud, sir, if you please, for dere is only a werry few bottles ob dat are wine, and I keep him for you ; for I sees you knows de good wine when you sees him, which is more nor most gentlemen does. Dey is cus- THE GREAT WESTERN. 29 Bed stupid is, dem whites, and werry conceited, too, Mr. Labender; but dere is noting like lettin him hab his own way. Den dey all speak different language. One man is Frenchman: well, he calls steam-boat, "bad toe :" de German, he call him, "dam-shift-fard." One calls a plate, "as yel;" anoder name him, "skelp eye;" and de tird man call him, "taller;" and de fort say, " platter;" and ebery one amost hab a different word lor him. Dere is no makin head or tail ob em, no how : I don't try no more now at all — I only gib de head a shake, and pass on. We hab got too many masters, here, Mr. Labender, a great deal too many. Now, when I was been in de line packet, sir, and want um pitcher, I go captain, and say. Captain, I want um pitcher, and he say wer- ry well, Mr. Mignionette, (he neber call me steward, like de sarcy, proud man-o-war buccras do) werry well, Mr. Mignionette, den buy um ; and I buys um for one dollar, and charge him one dollar and half — de half dollar for de trouble, and leetle enough it is, too; for crockery he werry brittle — so far, so good. Now when I has occasion, I go captain, and say, I want um pitcher, sir. Werry well, steward, he say, make a re- port in writing. Den I goes and makes a report for pitcher in writing for de skipper ; and skipper he makes anoder report to de great captain in Bristol ; and dat captain, he call togeder de great big directors — plaguy rich men they is, too, I tell you, and he read my report to do skipper, and skipper report to him, and dey all make speeches round de table, as they does in congiess, and if dey is in good humour it is voted — yes, 1 ab him. Den captain he send for clerk, and clerk he issue order for pitcher to some dam white feller or anoder, to Bristol, who send me one worth a dollar, and charge um boat two dollar for him. Well, company lose half dollar, I lose half dollar, and all lose a great deal of time. Werry bad derangement dat, sir, werry bad, indeed ; for dere is too much cheenery in it to work 3# 30 THE LETTER-BAG OP 1 i P ! I well. By-and-by dey find out too many cooks spoil de broth, or else I knows noting — dats all. Den dey holds me sponsible for all de plate, which is not fair, by no manner o means ; t all, is such a mob of scaly whites as we ab on board ; and where ebery man is taken what pays passage ; and sometimes dem white fellers is no better nor him should be, I tell you. Toder day I sell some small ting to de outlandish jew, who no speak werry good English ; and I goes into his cabin, and I say, come, massa, I say, our voyage ober now; him pilot on board, so you fork out, massa, if you please. Well, he stared like a shy horse — what dat you say ? says he. You fork, out, now, massa, I say. Den he goes round, and he bolt de door ; and den he say, I give you one sovereign, steward, if you no mention it. Oh ! I say, I neber mention him, massa, neber fear, and I is werry much obliged to you, sir, werry much indeed. Den he say, here is de forks, and he gives me back three silver forks. I tookt um by mistake, he say, and I hope you no mention him. Oh, ho ! says I to myself, is dat de way de cat jumps now ; I see how de land lay — I come jew over you, my boy — my turn come now. Four sovereigns more, massa, and steward he keep mum ; and if you no pay de money, I go bring captain, passenger, and ebery one. Well, him sovereign break him heart amost, but he shell him out, for all dat, afore I go ; one — two — three — four — five sovereigns. All's right now, massa, I say ; dat is what I calls " forking out." Jist as I turns for to goe, he say, how you know I ab um, steward — any body tell you ? Oh, massa, I say, I know de tief so far as I see him. When I clap eyes on you fust, by gosh I know you for one ob dem dam rascals — no mistake, massa ; face neber tell um lie — he always speaky de truth. I hab to keep my eyes about me all de time, Mr. Labender, I tell you ; and de command of dis ship is too great fatigue for one man ; dey must give me some officers under me, or I resign my place, k. -75^ THE GREAT WESTERN. 31 and throw him up, and return to de line again, which is more selector and better company as steamboats has. Please to ab de goodness to make my respects to Miss Labcnder, and to all de young ladies to home, who, I hopes to have de happiness to see in good health and spirits, when I ab opportunity to wisit dem, which appears werry long indeed since I hab — almost an age. I take de liberty to send a pair of most superfine stock- ings, of de flesh-colour silk, of de newest fashion, for each of de young ladies, which I hope dey will do me de honour to wear in remembrance of me ; and now I be, My dear Labender, Your most obedient help, Cato Mignionette. No. III. LETTER FROM CAPTAIN HALTFRONT, OF THE REGIMENT OF FOOT, TO LT. FUGLEMAN. My Dear Fugleman — You will naturally enquire how I like the Great Western, the speed and splendour of which has been the theme of every newspaper, for the last year, and will, perhaps, be somewhat surprised to read the ac- count I am now about to give you. I own that I fear my narrative will appear to you as the production of a disordered mind, the efTusion of low spirits, and an irritable disposition ; and that you will regard me as the voluntary victim of a morbid sensibility. I wish, ■"^ ^ I 82 THE LETTER-BAG OP i for my own sake, that this were the case, and that the day might arrive when I could look back upon the de- gradation and misery I have recently endured, as only imaginary. But, alas ! my dear fellow, it is no phan- tom of the brain, but a sad reality — reality do I say, it falls far, very far short of the reality which no words can paint — no pen describe. There are some things connected with the Great Western which, I am aware, aflect people differently, who are placed under different circumstances from each other. For instance, steam- navigation may be all very well for those whose ob- ject is business; but mine happens to be pleasure; or, for those who arc in a hurrv, which I am not : or, for such as considering time to be money, are desirous of economising it; but I wish to spend both, and to spend them agreeably. To me, therefore, to whom none of these considerations apply, it is an unmitigated evil. My first disappointment, and one which gave me an early intimation of much of the misfortune that was in store for me, was not enjoying as 1 had hoped, from the payment of forty-two sovereigns, the exclusive oc- cupation of my state room. This is indispensable, I will not say to comfort, but to common decency. I have the honour and pleasure of having a most delecta- ble chum, who, besides many minor accomplishments, chews tobacco, spits furiously, talks through his nose, and snores like a Newfoundland dog. Many of his habits arc too ofiensive even to mention, and you may thercfort easily imagine what the endurance of them for twenty-two days must have been. He constantly uses my towels instead of his own. Whenever he brushes his hair (which I believe he never dressed be- fore) he uses my clothes-brush, and I am compelled to refrain from that appropriated to my teeth, under an apprehension that it has sufiered a similar contamina- tion. ' He is dreadfully sea-sick, and he is either too indolent or too ignorant to make use of the ordinary appliances. His boots are made of villanous leather, ^. THE GREAT WESTERN. 33 M and actually poison me ; and to add to my distress, he invariably draws back his curtain that he may amuse himseir by inspecting, at his leisure, the process of my toilette. Bad as the air of my room is, I cannot venture at night to open my cabin-door, for the pur- pose of ventilation ; for the black servants sleep on the floor of the saloon, and the effluvia is worse than that of a slaver. Driven from my dormitory at dayliglit, I resort to the poop-deck, to enjoy a little fresh air, but here I am met by a host of snobs and foreigners, who smoke incessantly. StiHed by the fumes of to- bacco, which I never could endure even when well and ashore, I am soon compelled, in order to save my life, to dive again into the saloon. In the descent, I find myself involved in the eddies and whirlpools of a mob of some hundred and twenty passengers, hurry- ing to breakfast, where cold tea, hard biscuits, greasy toast, stale eggs, and mountains of cold meat, the in- tervening valleys of which are decorated with beef- steaks floating in grease, await me to tempt my deli- cate appetite. Waiters, who never wait, and servan*?, who order every thing, and though deaf, are never dumb, fly from one end of the saloon to the other in terrific haste, that threatens to overturn every one that happens unfortunately to be in their way. Vociferous claims for attendance that is never given, and the still louder response of " coming sir," from him that never comes, the clatter of many dishes, the confusion of many torgues, the explosion of soda bottles, the rattle of knives and forks, the uproarious laugh, the ferocious oath, the deep-toned voice of the steward, and the shrill, discordant notes of the mulatto women, create a confusion that no head can stand and no pen describe. It is absolutely appalling. The onslaught, however, is soon over, the carnage ceases, and the hosts retire; but what a rabble rout — hurry scurry, pell mell, belter skelter, to secure priority, to book yourself for — but I cannot go on — it cannot be named. Distressed, de- 34 THK LETTER-BAG OP jected .nnd ill, I return to the vacant saloon, when lo ! two Africans, each bearing immense piles of plates, commence dealing them out like experienced whist players, and witii a rapidity that is ])erfectly astonish- ing. These are followed by two others, who pilch, by a sleight of hand, the knives and forks into their respec- tive places, like quoits, and with equal accuracy. It is preparation for lunch — the gong sounds, and the stream of passengers pours down the hatch-way again, Avitli a rush siniilar to that of shipping a sea. The wave rolls fore and aft, and then surges heavily from one side to the other, and finding its level, gradually subsides into something like a uniform surface. All have now found their places, save, a lady nnmoveably nailed to the wall by a mulatto girl, in an unsuccess- ful attempt to pass in the narrow gangway. The struggle to disengage themselves is desperate, but in- eflectual, until fiity people rise, and by displacing the table, give room for a passage. What a nosegay for the bosom of an emancipating Jamaica Viceroy ! a white rose budded on a black one — oh, the very odours exhaled by that sable beauty, suflbcate me even at this distance of time ! Now rise the mingled voices, the confused sounds, the din of corks, glasses, and plates, but louder than before, for wine exhilarates ; and those who were unable to rise to breakfast, hav^e succeeded to join the party at lunch. Again tho flock rises on the wing, and takes flight with a noise compounded of the chattering of magpies and the cawing of rooks — the fragments are gathered, and the ground cleared of the refuse of the repast. I will enjoy this respite — I will while away the time with a book, and withdraw my mind from the contemplation of my misery; but alas! the same earthen-ware gam- blers appear again, to exhibit their tricks of plates, in preparation for dinner. I once more, reluctantly, mount>the deck with uneasy and unsteady steps, where, after executing a variety of rapid evolutions on its .%^ % THE ORFJAT WESTERN. 8ft greasy snrfjice, rendered still more treacherous by iragmcnts of ornnge-peel, I tall, heavily tripped by some kind protruding toot, and am dreadfully cut in my face and hands by angular nut-shells, which are scat- tered about with the same liberality as the rind of the orange. Shouts of laughter solace me for my misfor- tune, and coarse jokes in English, German, French, and Yankee, assail me in all quarters. There is but one alternative — I will retire to my den, miscalled a state-room ; but alas ! my amiable chum has used my basin — my towel is floating on it, as in pity to my suf- ferings to hide its contents — and the ewer is empty. How are these evils to be remedied ? the noise of the saloon is too great for my feeble voice to be heard — the servants are too busy to attend — and I am too weak to assist myself. But what will not time, pa- tience, and good-nature cflect'? I have succeeded at last — my wounds are covered with plasters, my toi- lette effected — and lo! the gong again sounds — the harpies again assemble — and the same scene ensues that was presented at breakfast and lunch. But ah me! what a meal is the dinner! It is 'scabies occupat extremum,' or the devil take the hindmost. I look around the table to see if there is anything I can eat. There is a dish which I think I can try. I cast an imploring look upon the steward and another upon the dish, or rather on the spot where it stood, for it is gone, fled to another table and returned no more. I must try again. There are fowls. — A wing with a slice of ham, I think, I might venture upon, but alas ! he who carves exclusively for himself and his party, has removed the wings and every other delicate part, and sends me the dish and the skeletons to help myself. I examine the table again, and again decide to make an effort to eat, but the dinner is gone and the dessert has supplied its place. Who are those fellow-passengers of mine? are they sportsmen? has the word ' course' awakened the idea 36 THE LETTER-BAO OF of a race, and do ihcy eat for a wager, or arc they marketing and anxions to get the value of their money? Have they ever drunk wine hefore, that they call that port-wine and water hock, or that sour goose-berry champaigne I or do they ever exjject to drink again, that they call for it so often and so eagerly? I will now enjoy a little quiet — I will enter into conversation with my neighbours; but who shall I talk to? That old married (•oiiple annoy me by showing their yellow teeth and snarling, and that new married couple dis- gust me by their toying. I cannot speak Spanish, and that German understands neither English nor French. There is no conversation: the progress of the Ship — Niagara — machinery, and the price of cotton and to- bacco, are the only topics; or if these standard tunes admit of variation, it is an oiler of a Polish Jew to ex- change a musical snuli'-box for your watch, or to cheat you in a bet on a subject that admits of no doubt. I will follow Miss Martineau's advice, I will try to dis- cover ' the way to observe,' I will study character. — What again Mr. Dealc in delfts ! is tinTe no respite for the teeth, no time for digestion? Is eating and drinking the onlv business of life? — Clcarinix the table for tea, Sir — It is tea lime — You will find it pleasanter on deck. Oh that deck, that treacherous deck! the very thoughts of it, and its orange-peel, pulverized glass and broken nut-shells, make my wounds bleed afresh. But I will be more coreful, I will take heed to my ways. I will backslide no inore, nor prostrate my- self again before the multitude: I will ascend and look that I fall not. But hark ! Vvho is that unfortunate be- ing, whose last agonizing shriek has thrilled me with horror, and who those hardened wretches that exult in his j)ain f Whence that deafening cheer, that clapping of hands, that uproarious stamping of feet? Is death itself become a subject of merriment, and are the last fearful moments of life a fitting occasion for laughter? It is a German, who, merely because he is a German, arc they ^ money? call that ose-berry uk again, will now tion with That old r yellow juple tlis- inish, and r French. le Ship — )n and to- ard tunes ew to ex- r to cheat loubt. I try to dis- iracter. — no respite ating and ■ the table pleasanter deck ! the pulverized inds bleed ke iiced to strate my- d and look tunate be- d me with that exult it clapping f Is death ;'e the last ■ laughter ( a German, TIIK OREAT WESTERX. 87 nuist forsooth be able to sing, and it is his screaming, that is delighting the mob and calling forth these reiterated plaudits. — How brutal is ignorance, how disgusting is vulgar ])retensi()n ! but far above all these human vt»ices rises that inhuman sound of the gong, aiiain, and siimmons this voracious multitude to their fourth meal. The herd is again possessed with the un- clean spirit, and rushing violently down the precipitous descent, is soon lost in the vasty depths below. I will not follow them, but availing myself of the open space they have deserted, avoid at the same lime the to- bacco and its accompaniments on deck, and the noise and gluttony of the cabin, and enjoy for once the luxury of solitude. My strength however is unequal to the exposure — the night air is too cold, and the sea too rough for my emaciated body. Though revived, I am becoming chilled and sufler from the spray, which now falls heavily. The sound of the last plate has died away, and I must retreat to avoid these repeated shower-baths. Whist, loo, chess, drafts and back- gammon have fortunately produced a comparative quiet; but how is this? I shall faint — the Meat is dread- ful — the oppression perfectly intolerable. Fifty voices exclaim at once, the sky-light! open the sky-light! death or the sky-light ! — It is opened, and ere the cool breeze ventilates the tainted atmosphere, sixty voices are heard vociferating: It flares the candles! it puts out the lights ! the draught on the head is insupportable. No two can agree in opinion, and the confusion is in- describable. 1 take no interest in the dispute ; fainting or freezing is alike to me. I shall die, and die so soon, that the choice of mode is not worth considering. Heat or cold, or both in aguish succession — any thing, in short, is better than noise. I hope, now, at all events, that the eating for the day is past. Steward, come hither, steward — 38 TiiE LETTER-BAG OF Bring it, directly, sir — Nay — 1 called not for any thing ; but come here, I wish to speak to you. Have it in a moment, sir —I tlem It am waiting on a gen- (in. ek IS useless I wil enquire of answer. mv neijx hbo ur. Pray, \ sn% can vou in ? y sir, (and tremble for I form me whether we are to have supper Why, not exactly a regular supper, sir; there should be, though ; we pay enough, and ought to have it : and, really, four meals a-day, at sea, are not at all sufficient. It is toe long to ^o from tea-time to breakfast, without sating. But you can have any thing you call for ; and I think it is high time to liefjin, for tfiev close the bar at tei, o'clock — steward, brandy and water. It is the sig- nal; voice rises above voicie, shout above shout. Whis- key, rum, cider, soda, ham, oysters, and herrings — the demand is greater than the supply. Damn them, they don't hear ! W'hy the devil don't you come ? Bear-a- hand, will you ! Curse that six-foot, he is as deaf as a post ! You most particular, everlastin, almighty snail, do you calculate to convene me with them are chicken fixings, or not ! I hone I may be shot, if I don't reciprocate your inattention, by a substraction from the amount of your constitutional fees — that's a fact. Blood-and-ounds, man, are you going to be all night! — Hoi dich der Teufel ! what for you come not? Diable ! — Depechez done, bete. The bar is shut, the day is past, the scene closes, the raging of the elements is over, and a lull once more prevails. Not a sound is heard, but the solitary tinkling of a spoon on the glass, as it stirs up the dregs of the toddy, which is supped with miserly lips, that hang fondly and eagerly over the last drop. I will read, now ; I will lose in the pathetic story of Oliver Twist, a sense of my own miseries. It is one of the few novels I can read. There are some touches of deep feeling in it. Oh ! that horrid perfume ; it is a 1 THE GREAT WESTERN. 39 I \i > I negro — his shadow is nowovei ine; 1 feel his very breath; my candle is rudely blown out, without either Lotice or apology ; and the long, smoking wick, reek- ing of tallow, is left under my nose, to counteract by .its poison, the noxious effluvia of tlie African. How dare you, sir? Orders, sir — ten o'clock — lights out in the saloon. I have no objection to the order, it is a proper one ; and whether proj)er or not, it is sullicient for me that it is an order; hut it should be executed, if not with civility, at least with decency. But I subinit ; I crawl off to my den again, thankful tiuit 1 shall be left alone, and can commune with myself, in my own chamber, and be still. But no ! my chum is there; he is in the joint act of expectorating and undressing. It is a small place for two to stand in ; a dirt}- place to be in at all. But time presses, my head swims in diz- ziness, and I must try. My coat is half off, and my arms pinioned by it behind me ; and in this defenceless state, a sudden roll of the ship brings my companion upon me, with the weight of an elephant ; and in the fall, he grasps and carries with him the basin. We slide from side to side ; we mop the floor with our clothes — but I cannot proceed. Niagara would not purify me; the perfumes of Arabia would not sweeten me. Oh, death! where is now tfiv sting? Why didst thou respect me in the battle-field, to desert me in the hour of my need ? Why was I reserved for a fate like this; to die like a dog; to be pinioned in a steamer. If I should still survive, dear Fugleman, which I do not expect and cannot wish, I return not by a .steamer. I shall go to Halifax and take passage in a i^^'almouth packet, where there is more society and less of a mob, where there is more cleanliness and less splendour, where eatins: is not the sole business of life, but time is given you to cat, where the company is so agreeable 40 THE LETTKR-BAG OF you seldom wish to be alone, but where you can be alone if you wish ; in short, where you can be among Gentlemen. Believe me, my dear Fugleman, Yours always, John Haltfront. No. IV. LETTER FROM A MIDSHIPMAN OF H. M. SHIP LAP- WING TO AN OFFICER OF THE INCC- STANT. Dear Jack — Land ahead my boy, and to-morrow we come down with the du^rt, not coal dust, please the pigs, nor gold dust, for I never could raise the wind to raise that kindof dus'(, but rael right down genuine Yankee dust and no mistake. — What dost thou think of that. Jack? Oh it blew till all was blue again, the whole voyage, but our smoking steed, the charming Cinderclea, be- haved nobly. She flew thro' the water like the steam thro' the flue, she never broke a bucket, carried away a cot 1-skuttle, or sprung a poker, but behaved like a dear liitle scullion as she is. She paddled like a duck, and hissed like a swan. She ran a race with mother Carey's chickens, and beat tliem by a neck. Oh, she is a dear love of a smoke, Jack. If we haven't had any distinguished living characters on board, we have had the honour of carrying the " ashes of the grate" (oM pun that, Jack, but we always wear old clothes and THE GREAT WESTERN. 41 u can be 3e among FRONT. P LAP- INCC ,- I 1 ve come -■ )igs, nor aise that ice dust if' t,Jack? vovaffe, lea, be- J steam i>' 1 away like a 1 duck, 1 mother ,> , she is ^"'; i id any 'e had ;" (old !s and • -•'i> ■;^ fire old puns at sea, you know) and although we have been accused of * poking' our way across the Atlantic, I don't know how that applies to us, for we kept a " straight course," ran like the devil, and cleared " all the bars." It was a " stirring" time on board, every coun- tenance was * lighted' up, and though there was much 'heat,' there was no 'quarrelling.' 'Falling out' how- ever would be much less dangerous than ' falling in,' and there is some little dilfercnce between a "blow up" and a •'l)lovv out," as you and I happen to know to our cost. — We have lots of land-lubbers on board, young agitators, fond of "intestine commotions," who are constantly "spouting;" maidens, whose bosoms " heave ;" young clerks, w^ho " cast up accounts ;" custom-house officers, who "clear out;" sharpers given to " over reaching," Jews, who at the talFrail " keep a pass-over ;" law3'ers, who " take nothing by their .no- tion ;" doctors, who have " sick visits ;" choleric peo- ple, who cannot " keep down their bill ;" bankrupts, who "give up all they have;" spendthrifts, who "Keep nothing long;" idlers, who do nothing all day but "go up and down ;" men of business exhibiting " bills of lading;" swindlers, who "cut and run;" military men, who "surrender at discretion;" boys, that quarrel and " throw up at cards ;" servants, that cannot " keep their places;" auctioneers with their going — going — gone; preachers, who say "they want but little here below nor want that little long;" hypocrites, that make " long i\ccs;" grumblers, that are " oj)en mouthed;" bab- vK'rs, that " keep nothing in;" painters ever reluctant " lO show their palette;" authors, that cannot conceal " their etlusions ;" ])rinters, that never leave " their sheets;" and publishers, that first ' pulf ' and then " bring forth their trash;" in short, men of all sorts in "one common mess." Lord! what fun it is, dear Jack, io se" these creatures. Good christians they are too, for tiiev'givc ai^H take.' They return all kind- ne^'s with interest. Charitable to a degree, for they 4* .^ 49 THE LETTRR-BAO OF give all they have and " strain" a point to do their ut- most. (Candid souls ! they " keep nothing back," but "bring everything forward" without any considera- tion loY themselves; although there is no danger of death, they are resigned to die. Their i)ride is so humbled, that they no longer "carry their heads high" or are burthene(l with a "proud stomach," but arc content to remain in the place they occupy. — The vanities of dress they wholly discard, and would be disgusted at the sight of new clothes or of finery. — Tiiey are abstemious at table, and taste of the bitters of this world on principle. — What can be more edify- ing. Jack ? It i 'xs «pood as a sermon, is it not? Then when they stauu ''other tack, it is as good as a play. — Hallo! whui this? Oh dear! 1 beg your par- don. Sir, I do indeed, but when it comes on so sudden, it blinds me so I can't see; I am so sorry I mistook your hat for the basin. — Don't mention it, madam, but oh Lord ! my stool is loose behind, and away we both roll together into the lee-scuppers and are washed first forward and then aft. Hope you are not hurt, madam, but I could not hold on behind, it came so sudden, we shipped a sea — I hope I shall never see a ship again. It's a wonder she did not go down that time, for she was pooped. — Oh Sir! did you ever? do call *hc steward, please, do take me below, I shall never sur- vive this, I am wet through — if ever I reach land, no- body will catch me afloat again. I am so ashamed I shall die, I hope I didn't — certainly not, madam, the long cloak prevented any thing of that kind. Well, I am so glad of that, pray, take me down while I can go, for I have swallowed so much of that horrid salt water. — Pretty dialogue that, is it not ? Oh ! my dear fellow ! you may go round the world in a king's ship (Queen's ship, I mean, God bless her ! and raise up a host of enemies to her, th?t we may lick them and get our promotion); you may go round it, but you never go into it. If you want to seo life, n I It THR ORBAT WESTEHW. 43 fake a trip in an Atlantic steam packet. That's the place where people ' show up' what they are. But stop! Just look at that poor wretch near the wheel: how while he looks about the gills ! sitting wrapped up in his cloak, like patience at a monument, wailing for his turn to turn in next, nd not caring how soon it comes, either. lie is too ill to talk and hales to be spoken to, and for that very reason I will address him. How do you find yourself now, sir? I hope you are better. He dreads to open his mouth, for fear he should give vent to more than he wishes. He shakes his head only. Car. I give you any thing? Another shake is the only reply. A little sago'f He is in de- spair, and gives two shakes. A little arrowroot, with brandy in it ? it is very good. He is angry ; he has lost his caution, and attempts to answer; but suddenly placing both hands to his mouth, runs to the tafrail. Poor fellow ! he is very ill, very ill, indeed. He re- turns and takes his seat, and his head falls on his bo- som ; but he must be rough-ridden before he will be well-trained, so here is at Mm again : Pray let me send you a little soup with Cayenne. He gives half a dozen angry shakes of the head. But the only thing to be relied upon is a slice of fat pork fried with garlic ; it is a specific. He makes a horrible mouth, as if the very idea would kill him ; shuts his eyes close, as if it would prevent his hearing ; and folding his cloak over his head, turns round and lies down on the deck in despair. The olficers of the watch and I exchange vs'inks, and I y)ass on to the saloon, for a glass of (what the navy has gone to the devil without, since it has become too fashionable to use it as Nelson did), for a glass of grog. But, Oh ! my eyes ! look here. Jack ! bear a hand this way, my boy ! Down the companion-way with you, as quick as you can, and look at that poor devil pinned to the state-room door, with a fork through the palm of his hand, which the steward stuck there in a I. 44 THE LETTER-BAG Of lee lurch. Hear him, how he swears and roars ; and see the steward standing looking at him, and hoping he hasn't hurt him ; as if it could do any thing else but hurt him. See what faces he makes, as if he was grinning through a horse-collar at Saddler's Wells. What a subject for Cruikshanks ! I must not sutler him to be released till I sketch him. Where the devil is my pencil? a guinea for a pencil ! Oh..' here it is, and the paper too. I must have this living caricature. Stop, steward, don't touch that fork for your life : call the doctor ; perhaps you have struck an artery, (I have him) — the blood might flow too freely, (I wish he would hold still) — or you might wound a nerve, (he twists about so there is no sketching him) — in which case lock-jaw might perhaps ensue, (hovi^ he roars ! there is no catching that mouth) — rusty iron is very dangerous to wounds, (I have him now, by Jove !) — especially to wounds in the hand and feet, (that will do now ; let us see what he will do). " Steward, why don't you ' fork out,' you rascal ? * Draw,' you scoun- drel, or I 'II murder you. That * fork' has spoiled the carving of the door. ' Palmy' times, these ! That * tine' is not ' tiny,' sir. It is a ' great bore' to be bored through the hand in that ' unhandsome' manner." I beg pardon, sir, says the steward, it was not my fault; but this ship is so * unhandy,' it is, indeed, sir. Excuse me, my good fellow, I say (for I cannot lose this op- portunity) — excuse me; but you have put a stopper on your whist playing. " How so, sir?" Your adversary can see into your hau.' " Humph ! Don't thank you for your joke." It woula be a devilish good joke if you did. So now Jack, you see what a *' trip of plea- sure" means among these land lubbers; and that is better than *' pinning your faith to my sleeve," as the steward did to that sea-calPs of a passenger. But here comes a great vulgar conceited ass of a Cockney, who thinks we are bound ♦o talk of nothing, during ♦the voyage, but steam and machinery, two U|:;i THE GREAT WESTERN. 45 ars; and oping he else ^ but, he was s Wells. 3t suflcr the devil sre it is, ricature. ife: call (I have wish he irve, (he n which } roars ! is very ove !) — will do rd, why } scoun- led the That B bored er." I '■ fault; Excuse his op- Iper on lersary k you ke if plea- Ihat is s the of a two subjects which I detest above all others ; they are so technical, so shoppy, so snobbish. Hear him. Pray, Mr. Piston (who the devil told him my name was Piston? It's one I hate, it sounds so Brumma- gem-like, and I hate a fellow that uses it unceremoni- ously) — Pray, sir, do you know the principle of this boat? I have that honour, sir ; he is Captain Claxton, of Bristol. No, no ; I beg pardon ; not who, but what is the principle ? Oh ! exactly ; now I take. The principal, sir, is 80,000 pounds, and it pays 9 per cent, interest. See how he flushes ; his choler is rising ; he is es- tablishing a raw : if he gets through this examination, he will eschew me for the future, as he would the devil. Take my word for it, he will never put me into the witness-box again. You don't comprehend me, sir. I merely wished to ask you if it were on the high or the low principle. On the high, decidedly, sir; for they charge £43 \0s. for a passage, which is high, very high, indeed. The object, sir, is to exclude low people, although it does not effectually answer even that purpose (and I gave him a significant look). You observe they take no steerage passengers, though it might perhaps be an im- provement if they did (another significant look, which the insignificant lubber appears to take). Odi pro- fanum vulgus et arceo (I like that last word, it is so expressive of the cold shoulder) is the very proper motto of the very exclusive Board of Directors at Bristol. I am sorry I have not been so fortunate as to render myself intelligible, (says my scientific friend, his ire visibly getting the steam up) ; I desired to know if it were on the high pressure or low pressure principle. Oh ! that is quite another thing, sir ; I conceive it is on the low-pressure ; for the lower a thing is pressed, 1 46 THK LETTER-BAO OP the greater is the compression — do you take? — the greater the power. For instance, there is the screw, invented by Ilyder Aulu, or Hyder Alley, I forget which, is — lie bites his lips, his eyes dilate, but it won't do — it's no go. I am afraid I ani troublesome, he says, with some confusion. We bow, and touch our hats with much formality, and part, I hope, to meet no more. Poor fun, this, after all; grey hairs ought to be re- spected, particularly when supported by a large sto- mach. Seniores priores ; or the old hands to the bow oars; but, still, they should mind their stops, and not be putting in their oars on all occasions. Nemo omni- bus horis sapit, it is not every one with hoary hairs that is wise. How I should like to make love, if it was only for the fun of the thing, just to keep one's hand in ; but, alas ! all the young girls are sick — devilish sick ; and, I trust, I need not tell you that, a love-sick girl is one thing, and a sea-sick girl is another. I like to have my love returned ; but not my dinner. Balmy sighs, and sour ones; heaving bosoms, and heaving stomachs, are not compatible. Dear Jack, say what you will, and love will f]y out of the window, when — but, in mercy to the dear creatures, whom I really do love, I will drop the subject, or, rather, throw it up at once. Now, I will take a rise out of that cross old spinster on the camp-stool. I hate an old maid, and never lose an opportunity of showing them up. It may be savage, I admit; but man is an animal, bipes im- plumis, risibilis, as Aldrich has it. What a definition of a man, implumis ! and yet I have seen fellows with feathers in their caps, too, and hope to have one in mine, before I die; but, still, I must have my lark, let who will pay the piper. Here, boy, run forward, and tell that young scape-grace, George, that if he does not do what I ordered him, he may " look-out for squalls." Oh, dear ! Mr. Piston, says the lady, prick- ing up her ears, like a cat a listening, do you really think there is any danger of " squalls ?" Oh, very it # THE GREAT WESTERN. 47 much so, indeed, madam ! but don't be alarmed, there is no danger, if — no, no, there is no danger, none at all, if— If what, sir? do, pray, tell me! Why, no danger, madam, if there aint a blow-up ; but, pray don't be frightened, it can't reach you. Reach me, sir ! why it will reach us all. A blow- up ! oh how shocking ! Do be so good, sir, as to sit down and tell me — how is it, sir ? Don't be alarmed, madam ; I am sorry you over- heard me; there is no danger — not the least in the world, nothing but a little blow-up, it will be over in a minute — Over in a minute, sir ! but where shall we all be ? we shall all be over in a minute, too — all overboard ! I assure you, madam, there is no danger. Do be composed; they are very common. I know it, sir ; they are always blowing-up, are steamboats ; three hundred lives lost on the Mississippi, the other day. Three hundred and eighty, said I. Yes, three hundred and eighty, said she; and every day, almost, they are blowing-up. There was the Santa Anna, and the Martha, and the Three Sisters, and the Two Brothers, and I don't know how many more, blown up. Steamboats, madam ? Yes, steamboats, sir! they are very dangerous; never again will I put my foot on board of one of them. Oh, dear, I wish I was out of this horrid steamer ! But, I said nothing of steamboats, madam. Do you call blowing-up, nothing, sir? scalding to death, sir, nothing, sir ; drowning, nothing, sir ; being sent out of the world in that awful manner, nothing, sir? But, madam, pray don't be excited ; I wasn't talking of steamers at all. Then, what were you talking of, sir ? Oh, dear ! 1 4S tub: letter-bag or am so frightened, so dreadfully frightened ; I feel so shockingly nervous ; I am all of a trcmour ; what were you talking of, then, sir? I was merely saying, madam, that, if boy George did not clean my boots, he might look-out for squalls, for I would give him a blowing-up, which means Yes, yes, sir, 1 know what it means ; and then draw- ing herself up as stately as a queen, I '11 not trouble you any further, sir. Not the least trouble in the world, madam, said I, rising, and smiling, not the least trouble in the world, madam; rather a pleasure, I assure you. Yes, my dear fellow, if you want to see the world, take a trip in the Great Western, or some of those whacking large Atlantic steaniers, and you will see more fun, and more of human nature, in a week, than you will see in the "Inconstant" in a twelve-month; but whether you follow this advice or not, recollect that, fair weather or foul weather, by land or by sea, by day or by night, you have a fast friend in old Tom Piston. No. V. LETTER FROM JOHN SKINNER, BUTCHER, TO MARY HYDE. Dear Mary — You wouldn't believe me when I told you I was off* in the Great Western, to see a little of the other side of the world ; but its cum true, for all that, like many a more unlikelier thing has cum afore now ; and I THE GREAT WESTERN. 49 here I am, half-seas over, as the teetotallers call some- thing else, and may be a little more. I likes it very much indeed, all but being wet all the time ; but its the nature of the sea to be wet, and for a new recruit, I stand's it nobly, only I can't keep my feet, for I 've been floored oftener than any man in the ship. My heels has a great inclination to rise in the world, showing what the sole of a butcher is ; and I shall soon walk as well on my head as my feet. It is lucky you aint here, dear Mary, this sort of work wouldn't suit you ; you was always giddy-headed. The sailors undertook to pass their jokes upon me, when I first came on board, calling me old Skinner, and butcher, and you with the smock-frock and breeches, and so on. It 's a way they have with lands- men ; but it isn't every lands-man that's green, for all that. They are a set of lubberly, unmannerly rascals as ever I see. Whenever I ask'd one of them to help me, he said it's my turn below, or its my turn on deck, and who was your lackey last year, or does your mo- ther know you are out. To-day, when I fell on the broad of my back, they began running their rigs as usual, saying, pull down your smock-frock, John Skin- ner, or you will show your legs, come to me and I '11 help you up, and, how does it feel, butcher. Try it, says I, and you 'II know ; and I knocked two of them down like bullocks. It made them very civil after- wards, calling me sir, and Mr. Skinner. It improved their manners vastly. The steward and me is great friends, and I get my grog in his room. When I takes down the milk, I gets a glass of bran- dy ; and w^hen I puts my hand on his side to steady me while I drink it, and feel five inches of good clear fat on his ribs, it makes me feel wicked, to think if 1 had the dressing of him, how beautiful he would cut- up. My fingers get on the handle of my knife inwol- luntary, like, as if they would long to be into him. He is stall-fed, like a prize ox ; his fat is quite wonder- 5 50 T"E LKTTER-nAo or • h I ■ III IM bens, 1 0.0:-.^' i^:t::;ij!;::^^Tr^'>t:^^^ 7^0 m"i ',?' ,"'« «''"lo nmo Th" ''f; '"". at last nice imlo bulloc t ; hiit ^hn I, . . ""ic"" cow is a ''ad i lier ,„„,„|, ' ,■ "", ™^, '«''! a ealC ,00 early, "„ s,," a'lollier year she yinU"""^ "' '^ ''abbv's-, "„• i° P°""";, poor Ihin," are , erf :■' ,''''''=' eniugh. 't, e f I d'dn't kill ti,e weaUiesHo, L'''^'- ""'' "'«"l ""^'^^ o' er eatmg, that •lie sh,,,; but it's here ZT k ? "'^'''^ ^e ''ce from «^ dashes as hard as'^e "'„ l"? f^'-i-and down some time to nnt tl," , ^ '""'S" "P ^^horf, for it f?L. fo a stand stijf "j^,^;^!^: -y'- wheel \XV.tl '^ a puzzle to me bnt r ^ ""^^ ^''^^'^ ^'^v in the rhl ^vhee], or the two to cum Iff ' l'"^ '^^7 ^o iose a THE GRKAT VVESTKRW. 51 •ck. One icr being clown in. already, ontrariest lil, at last cow is a \y, so she 5 — tho' in ?h. The jld all die save their ing don't nd won't Is to rea- ting, that ne pace, he Corn- =?ce from nd down [. They of the ler lines edge to of the storm, ones or t takes ng her e dark illed it I think lose a reak, lall, as with lat un- der the sun could make the Bristol people call her a boat, tor I'm positive she is the biggest ship I ever see ! They have to hang up two bells in her, one aft, and one in the forepart, for one aint enough to be heard all over her. The bow, thev call " far west," it is so far oil' — the starn, "down east," and the sentre, where ihein black negro-looking fellows, the stokers live, "Africa." The engines is wonderful, that's sar- tain. They work like a baker needing do for bred, and the digs it gives is surprising. The boilers is big enough to scald at one dip, all the pigs in an Irish steamer, and would be a fortune to a butcher. The fu'e-places is large enough to roast a whole hog at once, and if there is a thing 1 love, it's roast pork. The hard, red, crisp, cronchy skin is beautiful, as much as to say, come, stick it into me afore I am cold. It puts me in mind of your lips, dear Mary, both on 'em is so red, so plump, so enticing, and both taken with a little sarce, — Yes, I never see a pig, I doesn't think of you, it's cheeks is so round and fat like yourn. The rib, too, means a wife every where ; but I wont say no more, for fear I should find I had gotten the wrong sow by the ear. We have a great deal of company on board, consisting of two hundred men and women, two cows, ten pigs, besides fowls and mu- latto girls. One of these young women isn't a bad looking heifer neither ; she is constantly casting sheep's eyes at me, but 1 aint such a calf as she takes me to be, so don't be jealous Mary. She thinks I don't know she has a touch of the tar-brush, — so says she, Mr. Skinner, the water is very bad, aint it? Very, I says, — its keeping it in them nasty iron tanks, that makes it look so black, and taste so foul. Exacaly, sir, says she, the water has got so much iron in it, I dread- ful afraid of lightning, it will make me so attractive. You don't need that, says I, Miss, your hone attrac- tions is so great of themselves. Oh! says she, Mr. Skinner, how you do flatter — but really, it do affect 4 52 TJIK LETTER.BAG or $ r- ; .' i i — * *'^'v-j3Au or ine dreadful, esoephlN. ™^ty, and ihenT:StrL':r'"^l ^^"^i< ''» qui.e Plexion, it comes thro'^L^ '" "'"' ^P°''s my com very linnin. i, do iried ''C, ^h"V'"°"--™°"^* -" a mula.,0 wench, swearin<.Tl was fl, '"P'""'' ^^O' ! lace copper-coloui'd • htthl ""^ "'on made her • ore's lew can march' em ,7,17 ?'""^ [<"• •™'° she ,s w„h Mr. SkinnenlT-Will , J'"1: ^°^ <='>i of p,e-or, Mr. Skinner, her^-.V" ''"^ "» P'^ce Skmne.^, lend me an arm' ^r ..ea H °T^''~''r Mr. bulter no parsnips-i, won do i,!" ^'" '°^'- ^^-'ds tend her an arm, or anv ilWn„ . "'"^ "" K" ihat. I 'll Mary— andtho'Isavit ,r. ' 'f"" ^ for you. denr a Slower nor a .ru Xnc tall n'""'' ^"-^ ''•"•''ere !?„ ^'" find someo' these days '^'^"^^^'ershire, as you . My ambition is to be nh?„ , m my own shop, afore I die w?h"""P ""^ °--'" man, «on m ,t, and ySu with your' wh ,/''""" "^"'""'^ mu(. tiest peace of meat of them ,n T"" ""-""e pret- as they pass, .-Damn tha felow" sl '" ^-''^ ''""'^ «ay. prettiest wife and the best „;,!?• ^''Ifner! he has life ^,''»' I. am at, and no m tX "l '" "' ?''''"''=" "-at's buchering all my life - » Ih- } "^""'dn't like to folly Me and the haV-d :s;;d%fe 'or ''^ 'oo unsteady^ down together by .he run !?f sometimes both corned W.ng about with a knifer^ur hanV'""^''' »"«' 'm- !eeth, ,s not safe for your own l?5 ' "'' "'"'^^n your No longer agone than ye terUr " "' ""'"r people'" vas trousers of a sn lov j ^ ' "="' across the can fixed him for life b! T; »«) 02 THE LETTER-BAG OP boy, I am ncilhor undervaluing the Rhine, nor the poets, but that river needs no poet. Good wine requires no bush. Wljether we shall ever have a poet, I know not. Ship-huilding, lumbering, stock-jobbing, and note- shaving, are not apt to kindle inspiration; but if we shall ever be so fortunate, I most fervently hope he will spare — the river — yes, par excellence — the river. As I shall not be able to proceed immediately to New Brunswick, I avail myself of a leisure moment, to give you the latest intelligence respecting the dis- puted territory, which engrosses but little attention, just now, I am sorry to say, on the other side of the water. It has given rise, however, to much fun, the substance of which is this: — They say that Governor Fairfield has passed all bounds; and that a Fairfield and a fight have a natural connexion. Little interest is taken in London, in the matter. Few Englishmen know the difference between Madagascar and ivladawaska ; and our agent says, the British minister sometimes calls it one and sometimes the other. They don't know whe- ther Maine means the main land, in distinction from an island, or whether the main question, in distinction from minor questions. Stephenson told them it was a quiz; and that Van Buren had his Maine as well as O'Con- nell had his tail ; both of them being lions, and queer devils, and both of them great hands at roaring. They, certainly, are odd fish, at fish river, and, like macka- rel, jump like fools at red cloth. They talked big, and looked big at the big lake, but that was from making too free with biggons of liquor. It was natural they should think, at last, they were 'big-uns' themselves. It's no wonder they had such difliculty in raising men, when they were allotficers; and that there was no subordination, when they were all in command. Hiring substitutes is a poor way of a-proxi-mating to an army ; and marchini? in the month of March, is no fun, where the snow is up to the middle. A friend in need is a friend indeed, but not when he is in-kneed in snow. i'l i ' i THE GREAT WESTERN. G3 Lhc poets, ]uires no I know ind note- lut if we le he will i^er. liately to moment, the dis- ition, just water. It stance of 'field has d a fight taken in know the ska; and IS calls it low whe- \i from an tion from s a quiz; s O'Con- nd queer . They, macka- big, and making Iral they Im selves. |ng men, was no Iliriniy army ; where id is a snow. Such marching must cost them many a * bummy dear ;' while wading through creeks in winter, it is apt to give a cricK m the necl md campmg out on the ice, to terminate in a . everc camp-pain. Indeed, the pa- triots of Maine must have been joking when they said they intended to run a line, for every body knew they couldn't stand to it. If thev were in earnest, all I can say is, that it is the first time a legislature ever seri- ously proposed to run iheir country. Too many of them, it is to be feared, are used to it; for not a few of them have cut and run thither from the British pro- vinces. Plavinfj at soldiers is as losinnr an all'air, as playing at cards, especially when you have nothing higher than knaves to play with, and the honours are against you. There has been great laughter at the spoil ; the tim- ber dealers seizing a cargo of deals, and a hundred lo(]fs, a deal too larcje to carrv. It was in their line. It was characteristic. It has been called the odd trick of the Deal. The General putting a boom across the Aroustic river, has proved how shallow he was. He has been compared to that long-legged gentleman, the Bittern, " booming from his sedgy shallow." It was "cutting his stick" with a vengeance; not marching, but "stirring his stumps." It was " King Log" driv- ing his ox-team, like Coriolanus, at the head of the main body of the troops of the state of Maine, and whistling as he went, " Go where glory waits thee." Marching with fifty pounds of pork on their backs, was certainly imn's^ the whole hog, an!, a ration-al way of establishing a provision-al government at Madawaska. It is said the troops cut their way, not through the enemy, with swords, but through the woods, like true Yankees, by " axeing." They first run and cut, and then cut and rim. They kept up a brisk fire, day and night — not on the borderers, but on the ice on the bor- der ; and would have had a field-day, no doubt, if there had been a field within fifty miles of tiiem, to have had I n p! ( '' 1 . 1 1 1 64 THE LKTTER-BAG OT it in ; but, alas ! the only thing worth a d^m that they saw, was a saw-mill. To read the general's speeches, you would have supposed he was boiling with rage at the Brunswickers ; whereas, he was only thinking of boiling maple sugar by battalions. He was making a spec — licking sugar-candy, and not licking the enemy. Gallant man ! he was but too fond of the " lasses." What right has this patriot to complain of his shoot- ing-pains, who would not be at the pains to shoot. In place of raising 800,000 men, as he boasted, he raised ^**0,000 dollars. Sume animos ncc te vesano trade dolor! Instead of charging the British, and breaking their ranks, it is whispered they made a dreadful charge against the state, and broke the banks. Fie upon them ! this is the way they serve their country ; but marching on the ice is slippery work, and a little backsliding is to be expected, even among patriots and heroes. — Talking of patriots, puts me in mind of Cana- da, which, I hear, has sent delegates (or delicates, as they are more appropriately called in the fashionable world) to England, to raise themselves by lowering others, as an empty bucket does a full one in a well. Their bucket however proved to be a leaky one, for by the time they got home, it was found to contain no- thing. — It reminded me of the Irishman's empty barrel full of feathers. — The story of the mails was one grievance, but they found on their arrival the postage had been reduced one half without asking, and fifty five thousand a year granted, to convey their " elegant epistles" by steamers, via Halifax. " I give thee all I can, no more." Alas! for these knights errant, what has become of their coats of * mail' — I suppose they will next ask to be paid for letting the mails travel through the country; for the more people bother Government, the better they are liked and the more they get, like crying, scolding children, who worry those they can't persuade. This is reversing the order of things, not teaching the young idea how to shoot ; that they speeches, h rage at inking of making a le enemy. " lasses." liis shoot- ihoot. In he raised mo trade breaking dreadful nks. Fie country ; nd a little itriots and I of Cana- licates, as ishionable lowering in a well. ne, for bv it a in no- ty barrel was one postage and fifty " elegant hee all I nt, what ose they lils travel bother he nnore worry [he order lo shoot ; THE GREAT WESTERV. 06 but teaching the old one how to make ready and present. A ' Taught' Government however is a good one, for it encourages no '' slack," bin ' recede' and * concede' is the order of the day now " Cedendo vii?tor abibis." Loosening the foundations is a new way of giving stability to a Government, while reform means destroying all form and creating that happy state, that is ' without form and void.' ,, ^ Responsible government in a colon}' -^WNR'^^ people being responsible to themselves, Jin^pTi^t England; dutiful children who owe obedienio, llit able or unwilling to pay it, want to take the benefit the act and swear out. A majority witftim^ ^pi\)perty.. who want to play at impeachments with tneir political opponents and lynch them. It is a repeal of the Union, and justice to Canada recjuires it. It is a government resprnsible to demagogues, who are irresponsible. Whnt a happy condition to live in ! Ah my good frienu, you and I who have disported in the vasty sea of the great world, amidst the monsters of the briny deep, know how to laugh at the gambols of these little tad))oles of a fresh-water puddle. I abhor ultras of all parties. — Dum vitant stulti vitia in contraria currunt. — Good specimens, if they could be procured, of full grown whole-hog Tories and Radicals from that dis- tant but turbulent colonv, would be a valuable addi- tion to the British museum, in its natural history de- partment. I will describe them, that you may make no mistake in the selection. A colonial super-ultra- high Tory is of the genus blockhead, species ape. It is psylodactilus or long-fingered, and the largest animal of the kind yet known. Jt has great powers of imita- tion, a strong voice and the most exirava^ant conceit. It is a timid creature, slow in its movements, and some- what inactive, and lives in perpetual alarm of ambush. It cannot see distinctly by day, and its eyes resemble those of an owl. It has two cutting teeth in front of each jaw. The ears are large, round and naked, and 6* #*• pi ' a H 66 THE LETTER-BAG OP the coat is soft, silky and rich. Its proportions are not good, and its sagacity greatly inferior to the European species. It is voracious, and very savage when feed- ing. The ultra-low radical is of the species rari, its colours consisting of a patched distribution of black, dirty white, and grey, though its real or natural colour is supposed to be black. It is known to be of a fierce and almost untameable nature. It moves in large drot^s, when it is very mischievous, exerting a voice so *d afftt powerful, as to strike astonishment and terror i #osr who hear it, resembling in this respect, as ^ well as in its habits, the radical and chartist of England. It is irap^yspt of control, but exhibits a sullen submis- sion under firm treatment, though upon the slightest indulgence, or relaxation of discipline, it turns on its keeper with great fury. Its habits are predatory, its appetites unclean and ravenous, and its general appear- ance disgusting. You may find some of each in New Brunswick, though perhaps not so full grown as in that land of pseudo p^^triots and sympathisers, Canada. Pray, send a good specimen of both varieties to the Trustees, for people in England ridicule the idea that there is room or suitable food for either in British America, the climate and soil of which, they maintain, is not congenial to them. i^ las ! for poor human nature, man is the same on both sides of the Atlantic. Paradise was not good enough for some people ; but they were served just as they ought to have been — they were walked out of iti The lumber duties will not be altered this year, and we shall obtain that respite from the fears of the specu- lative writers of the present day, that their sense of justice or knowledge of business would fail to obtain for us. Afraid to refuse, yet unwilling to give, they get credit neither for their firmness nor their liberality. The unsteady conduct of these fellows reminds me of a horse that is not way-wise. When he gets snubbed in one gutter, he jumps over to the other, and is never li ^ i THE GREAT WESTERN. 67 s are not European len fecd- ! rari, its )f black, al colour a fierce in large voice so nd terror spect, as England. I submis- slightest IS on its itory, its I appear- ! in New IS in that [Canada, to the ea that British laintain, me on t good just as of it. ind we specu- nse of obtain ;, they irality. me of ubbcf! never in the straight road at all ; and when you give him the thong, he rears up, refuses to draw, and kicks the car- riage to pieces ; resolved, that as he cannot take the load himself, no one else shall do it for him. But more of this when we meet. In the mean time, I have the pleasure to subscribe myself, Yours truly, Oliver Quaco. ■*•?'*■. No. VIII. LETTER FROM AN ABOLITIONIST TO A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT. My dear Sir — Having brought the emancipation of our sable coloured brethren in the West Indiss to a happy ter- mination, I havc resolved to undertake a peregrination into the United States, for a similar purpose ; animated to this philanthropic work by a feeling of inextinguish- able hatred of that remorseless, antichrisiian, and damnable traffic in human life — the slave trade. Their day of liberty is just about to dawn in full splendour. When I observe our friend Cassius receive at his levees and balls in those Islands, the coloured, on an equal footing with their white brethren, and his amiable part- ner walking arm-in-arm with the sable female (proba- bly the descendant of a long line of African princes), to the amazement and consternation of the whites, and in defiance of the odours which must be admitted to emanate from them, not only by those who espouse them, but by those who espouse their cause, I bless him, I congratulate the world, and, above all, I felici- •! '«., 1 §8 THE LETTER-BAG OV taie the nobility, that the partition wall has been broken down, that colour and odour make no distinction, and that instead of a few black legs (the utmost advance that has hitherto been made in the higher circles), we shall see numerous black Peers among the new crea- tions. And who shall pronounce that they are not worthy of being the associates of at least some that are to be found there '? None, sir, none will dare to insinuate it, but those who are themselves unworthy. Why should they spurn those to whom some of their number owe their own elevation? Is it not to the agi- tation of this emancipation, to the appeals to the sym- pathy and religious prejudices, and (I hope I am not uncharitable) to the cant of the day, that some people are indebted for their own station ? Why then reject those equal in rights — equal in mental and superior in bodily powers ? Jamaica presents a prospect that cannot fail to re- joice the heart of the true philanthropist. Already have the exports of the island fallen more than one half, and will shortly cease altogether. Is not this a proof that these unfortunate beings, the blacks, must have been compelled to work beyond what was neces- sary? for now, when left to themselves, there is no inducement that either ambition or avarice can dis- cover, sufficient to make them work at all. From which the inference is plain, that Providence never intended they should work. What an earthly elysium this island will soon become, when, like St. Domingo, it is left to spontaneous production ! When nature will supply their wants, and they can roam at large like birds of the air, and the animals of the field, and the voice of complaint shall bo drowned in one universal chorus of song! When hand in hand, the natives, like our first parents in Paradise, knowing not the artificial wants of clothes, shall have their couches of rose-leaves, their bevera,3;e of the cool streams, or still cooler fountain, and gather their food from the limbs of trees that hang *'^- I agi- THE GREAT WESTERI7. 09 over them, inviting and soliciting tliem to pluck and eat ! Can imagination picture any thing equal to such a scene of rural felicity as this? Even the restraints of our moral code will be wanting, for morals are artificial and conventional. Where there is no property there can be no theft, where there is no traffic there can be no fraud, and where nature supplies freely and abun- dantly all wants, there will be no restrictive matri- mony, for marriage is a civil obligation, arising fror the necessity of providing for a family. Each one will follow the dictates of his own inclinations. Love will have no fetters to impede his gambols, affection will alone be consulted. The eye will choose, and the heart ratify all connubial contracts, and when the eye is sated, and the heart cooled, both parties will sepa- rate without a sigh, and without a struggle, each one free like the birds of the air, to spend a succeeding season with a new mate, and no murmur and no jeal- ousy shall be heard. There will be no property in the heart, no slavery in the affections, but there will be what many nations boast of, but alas, what few pos- sess ; freedom ! unlimited, unrestricted, absolute free- dom ! freedom of thought, freedom of action ! What a realization of all our hopes, what a happy termina- tion of all their wrongs and sufferings ! Succeeding ages will admire and applaud, and heaven will bless these noble designs. Impressed with this view of it — happy in being the agent in promoting such sublunary felicity, I propose visiting the States, for there, too, are exalted spirits, true patriots, noble philanthropists, who, unshackled by pahry considerations of property, would break down all distinctions as we have done, and as the beam has hitherto inclined to the whites, now give it a counter- poise altogether in favour of the blacks. It is not a subject for equalization, for studying balances, and for making nicely adjusted scales. We must go the whole figure, as they express it. But, my good friend, this is 70 THE LETTER-BAG OF |j i 1} i :? a dangerous country. The planters are a fierce and impetuous people, and will not bear tampering with as our colonists do. We must unite the gentleness of the dove with the wiliness of the serpent. I propose commencing the Southern tour first, and, using West India tactics, I shall mount the pulpit. Without a di- rect appeal to the passions of the blacks, I will inflame their imagination. I will draw a picture of their free- dom in another world, that will excite them in this. I will describe Sin as a task-master ; I will paint that task-master in a way, that the analogy cannot be mis- taken for their own masters, and in colours that can- not fail to rouse their imaginations and passions, and advise them to throw off the yoke of the oppressor ; in short, I will keep within the law, and effect that which is without the pale of it. When I reach the non-slave-holiling states, where my person will be S3- cure from violence, I will speak openly. I will draw ideal pictures rf distress from the stores of fancy, and talk in touching terms of broken hearts, unwholesome exhalations, burning suns, putrid food, unremitting toil, of remorseless masters, unfeeling mistresses, and licentious manners. I will then put in practice the happy and successful ruse I adopted in England. I will produce a prodigious whip with wire thong, and ponderous manacles, and thumb-screws of iron, fabri- cated for the occasion, and exhibiting them to the au- dience, appeal at once to their feelings as men and as christians! That I shall succeed, I make no doubt, and I shall have the pleasure, occasionally, of sending to you an account of my doings. I have availed my- self of your kind permission, to draw upon the funds of the society for five hundred pounds, to defray my necessary expenses in this great and holy work — a work which, I must say, sanctifies the means. What a glorious retrospect is the past ! how full of hope and happiness is the prospect of the future! The W^est Indies are free. The East is free. And Amfj- THE GREAT WESTERX. 71 rica is soon to be liberated, also. That we were to be assailed by calumny, to be denounced as incendiaries, and persecuted as felons, for our part in this great political regeneration, was to be expected. Our ene- mies, and the enemies of reform, have made a great handle of the murder of Lord Norburv, which awk- ward affair has never been placed in its proper light. It was a death, and nothing but a death ; but what is ii more than that of any other individual I Is the life of a peer of more vahie than that of a peasant? It is a life, a unit, not distinguished from any other unit, but because there is a nought in its head. One of the op- pressors is gone — and gone suddenly : so have many of the oppressed gone, likewise ; and yet the death of this aristocrat makes more noise than them all. Rank toryism, this, which thinks of nothing but rank ; and impiously asserts there is rank in heaven — for there are angels, and archangels, there. To be free, is not to be oppressed ; to remove oppression, is an act of freedom ; but an act of freedom is not murder. Mur- der is of malice aforethought; but where principle, and not malice, removes a man, it is not murder, but the effect of political difference. I do not approve of it in detail, for I doubt its policy and efficacy, so long as the power of creating peers remains in the crown; but still this is not a case for pious horror, but rather for regret. There is no robbeiy, no sordid motive, no mean, vulgar plunder attending it. It was the deliber- ate act of an exalted mind ; mistaken, perhaps, but of high feeling, intense p;'itriolism, and of Roman virtue. It was Brutus preferring Rome to (^tesar. It was a noble deed, but rather philosophical, perhaps, than re- ligious. Sordid politicians cannot understand it, cow- ards dread it, and bigots denounce it. Few of us, perhaps, are sufiiciently devoted, or enlightened, pub- licly to applaud — to say that we sanction it, or would achieve it ourselves; but, whatever we may think of the act, abstractcdlv, we cannot but admire the firm '>m i'\ ■I ;. n THE LETTER-BAO OP ness, the nobleness, and the elevation of the perpetrator. He was a true patriot. He was right — heaven will reward him; if he was in error, his motive will be respected, and he will be pitied and forgiven. So, in Canada, the burning out of the vile conservative loy- alist, is not arson, for it is not malicious ; and the secret removal of them to another world, not murder, but constitutional amelioration. Great allowance must be made for the warmth of political excitement. A Lount may despatch those whom the press denounces. That noble-minded man, Brougham, has thus considered it; the perpetrators have been pardoned ; the jails have been thrown open, and the patriots set at large, to commence anew their great moral and political refor- mation. If this is right in Canada, how can it be wrong in Ireland? and if right in Canada and Ireland, how can it be wrong in the southern states of America? The laws of justice are uniform and universal. What is Lord Norbury more, than Chartrand, or Lord Glenelg more than Shoultz — unit for unit — tit for tat — a Row- land for an Oliver. Necessity has no law; but even in the eye of the law, it is said, all men are equal. In the eye of heaven we know they are. The peer and the peasant are both equal, then, as far as killing goes; and killing, no murder, as far as the absence of per- sonal malice goes. Under these circumstances, let us persist in aiding, by all means, similar to those resorted to in Canada, our devoted sable brethren of the south. Should a few of their masters be removed, it is but the natural consequence of the system, and not of the reform ; and the roots, if traced, will be found to spring from the foetid soil of slavery, and not from the virgin mould of freedom. In burning off the stubble, who ever doubted a few ears of grain would be consumed, or in cutting down the weeds, that a few blades of grass were to be sacrificed? — none but fools or idiots. In my next I shall give you a detail of my proceed- ,E THE GREAT WESTERN. 73 rpetrator. aven will e will be So, in ative loy- the secret jrder, but 3 must be A Lourit es. That idered it ; jails have large, to ical refor- :;an it be i Ireland, A.merica ? 1. What d Glenelg —a Row- but even ual. In jeer and ing ffoes; of per- es, let us resorted le south, is but ot of the o spring le virgin )le, who nsumed, of grass s. )roceed- ings. At present I have left myself barely room enough to subscribe myself Your much attached and sincere friend, Joseph Locke. Extract from a JVeiuspaper piihUshed at Vixhurgy under date of the 22d May, 1839. We regret to state that this city was thrown into great confusion and alarm yesterday, by the discovery of a plot for an insurrection of the negroes, the mur- der of the whites, and the destruction of the place by fire. It was clearly traced to have originated with a fanatical English abolitionist, of the name of Joseph Locke, who expiated on the gallows, in the summary manner prescribed by " Judge Lynch," this atrocious offence against the laws of God and man. On his per- son was found the draft of a letter addressed by him to a member of the British Parliament (whose name for the present we withhold), not merely admitting the part he was about to take m this infernal work, but ac- tually justifying murder and arson as laudable acts, when resorted to in the cause of reform. He had an opportunity offered to him yesterday by our indignant citizens, of testing the truth of his principles and the soundness of his reasoning. It is to be hoped, for his own sake, his views underwent no change in his last moments. i I iii 11 ■\' 74 THE LETTER-BAO OP No. IX. LET T E 11 FROM A CADET OF THE GREAT WESTERN TO HIS MOTHER. Dear Mother — As I intend to get out as soon as we get into New York, and look for a packet for England, I write this letter that I may pack it off to you as soon as possible. Don't be afraid tiiat I am going to spin a long yarn. I shall merely send you a i'ovv matters I have entered in my log, on which I intend to extend a protest against the owners, captain, ship, and all persons concerned. Putting midshipmen on board a steamer to make sea- men of them, is about on the same ground tier with sending marines to sea to teach them to march. Xo- bodv but them land lubbers, the Directors, would ever think of such a thing; but you shall judge for your- self which way to steer in this affair, when you hear what I have to sav and see how the breakers look when laid down on the chart. We have had a lono; vova£fe of twenty-two days. Ever suicc we tri|)pcd our anchor at Bristol, my heels have been tripped instead, and I have learned pretty well what a trip at sea means. Our mess is forward, and a pretty mess we have made of it, not being much more forward ourselves than wiien we started. The sea has washed otf all our crockery. Broken dishes float about the floor, till the cabin looks like a river " Plate." I am nearly as bad ofl' myself, for I sleep so wet I am all in " Shivers." Our breakfast cups are tea-totally broke, though we have seen no breakers; THE GREAT WESTERN. 76 sleep and our sugar, as the member of parliament that used to dine with Pa, said of the house, is either dissolved or pro-* rogued,' I don't know which. Our decanters and tumblers are all in pieces and tumbled overboard, which happens so often that I suppose it is the reason why people call it the glassy surface of the sea. My head is all covered with bumps, not to mention other places, and the older boys laugh when I complain, and call me a country bump-kin, and the doctor says they are so well developed that they would be a valuable study for bump-ology. My messmates' buttons have G. W. on them, which means * great wags,' and when they don't know what game to play, they make game of me and play the devil. We have black things on board with long legs, through which we learn to take the sun, called ' making an observation,' though we are not allowed to speak. This instrument they call a * sexton,' because we have to look so grave ; and when the appointed time is come which comes alike to all, the sexton is useful, to tell us how long we are from our long homes, that we may calculate the length of our days, make our crooked ways straight, and never lose sight of the latter end of our voyage. They have a chip tied to a string, which they call a log, and throw into the water to tell how fast the vessel goes : my business is to haul it in. I begin at this work as soon as we leave Chip- stow, and I assure you it chops my hands before long, and if I cry (as I do sometimes) with pain, tlie boat- swain threatens to slap * my chops' for blubbering. The string has knots in it, and every mile she goes is called a knot. The more she does not go, the faster she goes, which would puzzle them that were not used to such knotty things. Every old thing almost has a new name on board of a ship. What do you think they call watches, and how do you suppose they are made ? Why, four men and an olficcr make a watch, or, as they say, a watch \4 I WW '. ill 76 THE LETTER-BAO OP with four hands. Tt is a very hard case for a watch that has to turn up in the night. They try every plan in the world to plague us : whenever it is dark and 1 can't see my hand before me, I am sent to the bow and desired to " keep a sharp look-out." The sea breaks over me there and wets me thrf)ugh, and when I com- plain of it the captain laughs and says " you are a dry fellow." The short watches are called the dog waiches, because the hands are only " tarriers" for half the time the others are. They are well named, for one leads the life of a dog here, and \\'(* become growlers, every one of us. As for mc, I have charge of the captain's jolly-boat, which I am told is quite an honour. My business is to set him ashore, and then to set myself in the stern for two hours, whistling " by moonlight alone," till he comes back. Very 'jolly' work, ♦' is. He calls us his 'jolly tars,' out of fun. I hope, dear mother, if you have any regards for me, you will take me out of this Steamer. I look like a blackguard and feel like one. The captain calls me a ' smutty rascal.' I don't like such names ; but every one is smutty and can't help it. The shrouds are smutty, the ropes are smutty, and the sails are smutty, and, to have things of a piece, they have a parcel of smutty mulatto girls on board. I wipe more smut on my face with a towel, than I wash off with the water; and smut my shirt more in putting it on, than in wear- ing it. You will hardly believe it, but my very talk is smutty. I look like a chimney-sweep, for though I do not sweep flues, as he docs, the flues sweep me, and both of us go to pot. I am so covered with soot, I am afraid of a spark setting me a-fire, and then I should be a " suttee." The steam ruins every thing in the ship. Our store- room and berths are back of the boiler, and are so hot, our candles, that used sometimes to walk oft', now run before they are lit ; our butter undertakes to spread, 1 watch ;ry plan •k and 1 )ow and breaks 1 I com- e a dry I'aichcs, :he time le leads 3, every lly-boat, ess is to tern for till he Is us his irds for ook like alls me it every ids are smutty, reel of mut on water ; wear- talk is h I do ne, and t, I am should ' store- so hot, )w run spread, THE GREAT WESTERN. 77 itself; my boots are dissolved into jelly — but it is boot- less to complain. The knives and forks which used to assist us in eating, are now eat up, themselves, with rust. Not a single bit of our double Gloucester is left, but has made its * whey ' with itself. Our tea leaves us; it has distilled away, and the leaves are all that is left. The stewardess laments her lost ' bo — he." Keep- ing our eggs under hatches, has hatched our eggs ; and we have had to shell-out our cash for nothing but shells. My new coat, a moving ' tale,' reveals — even guilt, that was so glaring, is now ' guiltless,' and its * mould ' buttons are, themselves, covered with * mould.' The cape has become a * Cape de Verde ;' every one com- plains of my ' choler ;' and the sleeve is no longer a laughing matter. My hat has 'felt' the change, and, as well as myself, would be none the worse of a longer 'nap;' while my gloves are so shrunk, they have ceased to be ' handy.' I have not been mortified by having ' my feet in the stocks,* but my shoes are so bad, 1 am often in my stock-in-feet — I am, ' upon my sole,' and there is no help for it. The clerk gives us lessons that he calls lectures, so that all the spare time we have from working the ship, is spent in working ' more,' which works us up, so, we have become ' spare' ourselves. To give three hundred pounds for the pri- vilege of working like fun for nothing, for the Great Westerns, for three years, was about as good a joke, dear ma, as was ever passed off upon an aflcction- ate mother. Whoever put that into your head, put you into his pocket ; for, after all, it is only a kit- chen on a large scale, with steam-cooking apparatus of great dimensions. A man can never rise, whose work is all below ; and he who succeeds, and gets at the to}) of the pot, makes but a pretty kettle of iish of it, at last. No, dear mother, remove me, I beseech you, for I am tired of these trips, these parties of plea- sure, these Western tours. I shall want a new out-fit when I return — an entire new kit, and a complete set 7* 3 I i r 1 1 1 < [ ft ' 1 1 '[ ill ' ' ! 78 THE LETTER-BAO OP of traps. My old ones, if wrung-out, will give ■* creo- sote' enough to buy new ones. The ship joggles so, I can't write straight ; and I have got so used to the trembles, tluit my hand shakes like palsy — there aint a steady hand on board. They say a rolling stone gathers no moss ; how that is, I don't know, as I never saw one that kept rolling abo;.it ; but I know that a rolling limb loses a great deal of skin. My sea chest is growing fast into a hair trunk. It is already covered with the skin of my shins, and, in this hot, greasy place, the hair will, doubtless, soon begin to grow upon it. We have " fresh rolls " every minute; and a man may well be said to 2irn his wages, who docs nothing but boil water all day. The sun has tanned all my skin, and the steamed oak has tanned all my clothes ; the consequence is, my linen is all leather, and I am become a shining charac- ter and a polished gentleman. I am a nigger ; ' man- cipate ' nne, dear ma, for you know not what I sufter. All the water is so hot, it scalds ; all the iron so heated, it burns ; while the whole ship hisses at you. The tar bubbles up ihrough the seams, and your feet stick fast to the planks ; and when you complain, they tell you, you are an upright man, steadfast and immoveable; out, being "decked up,' is not so pleasant as you'd think. I 'd a thousand times rather be * tricked out,' which I intend to be, when I return. I have no ob- jection to stick to my profession, but I don't wish to stick in it ; and its no use to talk of promotion to a man who can't get a step. Though 1 often get a wigging, I can no longer comb my hair, for it has become a pitch plaster, and my head looks like a swab of oakum dipped in tar. It is humbling to think I should be so disgraced, as to make it my whole study how to ' pick a lock.' Ward off this disgrace, dear ma, for you can't judge of officers afloat, from what you see of them ashore. They put on sea-manners with sea-clothes ; and instead of look- fi k THE CHEAT WESTERN. 79 e •* Creo- les so, I I to the e aint a low that i rolling eat deal ir trunk. fis, and, ss, soon " every ; wages, 5teamed e is, my charac- ; *man- I snfler. heated, The tar ick fast 1 you, eablc ; you'd out,' no ob- vish to a man ing as bright as King of Hearts, as they do in harbour, they look as black as the Ace of Spades at sea. When 1 iirst came alongside to look at the ship, they steered for the cabin, hailed the steward, and hove-to abreast of the table, where they broached the hx^ker, and boused-out chanipaigne and hock, which they over- hauled in great style, and stowed-away with a ration of cake and negus. It was all as quiet as a calm, and no cats-paw a moving on the water. The last thing a man would dream of in such weather was a squall ahead. But when I came on board with my traps, and was regularly entered in the ship's books, and we fairly got under way, it was no longer • what cheer, messmate C but luthng-up, and hailing in a voice of thunder, "I say, youngster, what the devil are you doing there? you land-lubber rascal you ; if you don't go forward and attend to your duty, sir, I 'm damned if I don't give you a taste of the rope's end." So, dear mother, as soon as we heave in sight of England, hang out a signal for a boat-ashore, and just as we round-to at the dock, take your departure for home, and let me pull in your wake after you, that's a dear, good mother, is the constant prayer of Your dutiful son, ViLLlERS SCROGGINS. comb id my It is make d off fficers iy put look- : •lllil \i I; i i 80 THE LETTER-BAG OP No. X. LETTER FROM A LAWYER'S CLERK. Dear Sau\der3 — Notwithstanding father's having issued his *ne exeat regno ' when I apphed for ' leave to move ' here, [ am safe and sound " within the limits " of the Great Western; and bound " beyond sea." I assure you, this ship is no " clausum " frigid, but as regular a " fiery facias " as you would desire to see, a perfect hot-hell, as the Scotch call it, or, as they might, with more propriety say, ** an auld reeky:" but what we of the temple, call an immense "flotsam." As our policy is to go straight, and not " extra viam," there is little fear of a " deviation," and so I presume we shall have a short, as well as a pleasant voyage. The *' bar I try " of the s^ . vvard, being covered by the " Premium," I will probably endeavour to illustrate the meaning of that term ere long; at present, whatever I eat, is ' served ' with an immediate ' ejectment,' and although I am constantly in the act of drinking, and desirous of * taking the benefit of the act,' yet I do not find it, as I fondly h(>p«Nl and expected, ' an act for quieting pos- session;' and 1 tnust Hay, that in my present situation, I much prefer u • retainer' to a ' refn^sher.' How often, dear Saundeis, have I been tempted in days by gone, to throw " Coke " into the fire ! and I assure you, it is quite delightful to seo with how little ceremony they do it here- If the great toxi-writer w(>re on board with his bulky commentator, he would dislike 'Coke upon Littleton ' as much as others do, and stand (juitc as good a chance of being floored, as his juniors. Al- THE GREAT WESTERN. 81 though we have no 'jury box,' we have a * jury-mast,' and. yet there is, I regret to say, no exemption from being often "empannelled," as numerous ' indentures' in my sides and ' postea,' bear painful testimony. You take your place here opposite your berths, but as the ' benchers ' have dropped off fast, there is rapid pro- motion towards the head of the saloon. As I was late, 1 am low down on the list, for they ' forestalled ' all the good places, by ' entering an appearance first,' and there is no changing the * venue ' allowed here without consent, or, in case of ' noii residence.' This *rule is peremptory,' and, like poverty, brings you ac- quamtance with strange company. There are many things I shall enter into my ' demurrer book,' relative to the accommodation on board of this ship so, that if I ever have a ' venire de novo ' on board of her, I may be more comfortable. One of the first would be, to move a " repeal of the black act," for I protest against AlVican servants, as strongly as a quaker does a:^ainst slaves. They are excessively disagreeable, and 1 shall serve Captain C'laxton with a ' notice of enquiry ' on this subject, and he may ' move to amend,' if he thinks proper. As things now stand, it is perfectly absurd for him to make declarations * de bene esse,' and to state to the public, that the committee are disposed to go 'any extent in aid' of the passengers, when he suffers the cabin to be perfumetl, and the company poisoned by these oily, itchi-nous negroes. He ought to be given to understand, and indeed, made ' scire fa- cias,' that as wo pay in ' a large sum of money,' there is ' no justification' that can be pleaded, or any ' ex- honorelur entered ' for any act of the steward or his partners; in short, for nothing that happens on board, ' except under the Lord's act.' Another objection that I shall take, is the facility, with which people in the adjoining cabins and ' vicin- age' have * oyer' of all you say, and by ' suggesting breaches' in the partition, may * inspect' your ' proceed- i'' H I i If: ^u ( ■« w 82 THE LETTER-BAG OF ings' a ' recognoisance' that is not very pleasant, espe- cially as the object of all privacy is to avoid having "' nul tiel record" of your sayings and doings. — Al- though no man is more reluctant, than I am to take exceptions, especially while " in transitu" or more dis- posed to take things as I find them, yet in justice to mvself, I must have " a certiorari to remove such causes" of complaint, as a • teste' of my being in earnest to prevent imposition. ' If the question can be put at all,' I should like to ask, and I think I have ' a right to put it,' why the bread is so badly baked ? When I complained of it to the steward, he had the insolence to reply that it was made soft intentionally for the use of the young "John Does" on board, but that he " would strike me off the rolls" if I did not like them, and in case I preferred, what he understood, few lawyers did, 'a consolidated action,' my 'daily allow- ance of bread' should be toasted. It is natural I should feel crusty at such impertinence and wish * a stay of proceedings' of this nature. Indeed I have grown so thin I feel entitled to bring an action on the case against the captain. 1 shall have a ' devastavit' against the steward, for the wine is tlat, stale, and unprofitable, in consequence of the insuHlciency of the " estopples" which are most inartifjcinlly drawn, and 'absque tali causa' would be better with the ' clerk (if the pipes.' There are several ladiex on board Meme seule' and * feme couverte,' but as I have no intention to be "ungues accouple" for at least "iiifra sex annos," my master will have no occasion to be alarmed at it as an act " per quod servitium amisii." They are however a very agreeable " set off" of a * rjies non' on shipboard to the "prolixity" of our "procedings." My "prochien ami" is a girl of eighteen years of age, beautiful as a houri; but alas! she has not only "nulla bona" of which I could have an immediate " habere facias pos- sessionem," but unfortunately "nil iinb«t in tenemen- tes," or I do not know that I would not perpetrate pples" ue tali :)es.' e' and to be ," my iDl as a" of s pos- TIIE GREAT WESTERN. 83 marriage with lier ' nunc protunc,' but really I have no idea of committing an anprofessional and I may add ungentlemanlike " misjoinder" with poverty. If I can- not live in proper style when married, and as becomes a person of my station in life, I prefer not having " an attachment" at all, which in such case would be liter- ally as well as figuratively "a criminal proceeding." — Matrimony is a great " limitation of action ;" it is very apt to involve a man in that most disagreeable and dis- reputable affair "a distress for rent," and what perhaps is more fatal to his success in life, to being frequently " overruled" and having his "judgment reversed" w'ith- out even the usual formalities of having "cause shown" — but if I could find a girl (and I say this in the strictest confidence of professional secresy,) who had never 'given a cognovit' to any other practitioner, and who could convince me that " nil debit" that she had in her own and not in "auter droit" a sulHciency of" assets" and a respectable sum of money in band arising from some good and valid " last iriU and testamenV^ in ad- dition to the "estate in tail," why then, my dear fel- low, let "me confess" at once that if this were the case, and " site fecit securum" I should make no objec-* tion to a " procedendo," and brinrjing the suit to " issue" at once without waiting for leave of " principals." — It is a way of getting into " the stocks" at once legal and honourable, and of all monev — I know of none so easy to be obtained, or so pleasant to spend as matri- " money." The 'usual cosls' arising from marriage " mensa et thoro" are not easv to be con^ '"^d, and although I hav^e reason to fear I shall begi. ■■ ,1 have I no wish to terminate it " in forma pauperis ;" for you I must admit there is a wide dillerence between havinfj " bills taxed" (a s|)ecies of amusement to which you never "except") and being ''axed with bills.' vVt present therefore I am not disposed to give my fair one a " notice of trial," but rather to insist on " a non pros." I' *» 1'^ lA )} I '■■;i li \'\ 64 THE LETTER-BAG OF Talking of pleading, puts me in mind of ' an issue' joined vvitli a sliark which we " capiased" to-day. Jn tiie first attempt, lie made " an escape," but was ' re- taken' on a 'new trial.' He is one of that species that sailors call " honest lawyers." He was dreadfully con- vulsed (though not with laughter) and struggled to " rescue" himself for a long time, nor ceased till he died ; but " actio personalis moritur cum persona." It is my intention to visit Massachusetts (d. massa- choose-if) and Connecticut (d. connexion-I-cut), and when there, to study their laws and jurisprudence, for " non sum informatus" on this subject ; and I trust my father will approve of my not losing sight of my vo- cation while thus employing my * vacation.' When I obtain answers to all my interrogatories " concerning these matters, I will put you into posses- sion ment the truth with which I am, dear Saunders, Yours always, Richard Roe. " of them. Jn the mean time, " arrest your judg- " The only point not necessary to " reserve," is No. XI. LETTER FROM A TRAVELLER BEFORE HE HAD TRAVELLED. My dear Mac — My Publisher has had the assurance to make an excuse of my never having biH'u in America, to oiler n.e only half price for my travels, and I have therefore concluded to niake a Hying visit to that country, so as ! M THE GREAT WESTERIT. 85 m issue lay. In kvas ' re- 3ies that illy con- i^gled to \ till he )na." massa- i3t), and nice, for ■rust my my vo- >2jatories ) posses- ur judg- erve," is Roe. HAD lake an n:o orter lercfore so as « to give a face" to them. It was in vain that I pro- tested that people who had never seen the Colonies, m de capital speeches, wrote elegant dispatches, and framed Constitutions for them ; that one man who had only seen Canada from a steam-boat and the Castle windows, described Nova Scotia and the United States, neither of which he had ever been in, and drew a mi- nute comparison of their general appearance and the habits and feelings of the people; that another was seized in bed in Romney Marsii, and sent out to North America as a Governor; and in short, that personal knowledge and practical experience were apt only to engender prejudice and cloud the understanding. He admitted it all, but said he wanted to have " incidents of travel," striking sketches and living caricatures, to make the work take, to give it effect; in short, some- thing new, something that would cover untrodden ground. I am therefore off in the Great Western, and I hope to scour the country in eight weeks, by starting at once, after my arrival, for the exti-eme points. I shall in a few days reach the prairies by means of rail-roads and canals, from wIkmicc 1 will dasih in among the Pawnees, and kill a butfalo, and from the hunters I will get all I want to fill up the detail. I will then visit the scenes of recent disturbance in Canada, and obtain an interview with some of the rebel leaders, and by thus dwelling on opposite points, give a magnificent idea of the extent of ground I have gone over. I have had the book all ready written for some months past, at least all the laborious parts of it, and have nothing to fill in but the jests and the anecdotes. I have avoided the rambling mode adopted b}' Hall, Hamilton, and Marryat, and have given it an elaborate scientific and Uiialytical division, as follows: 1st Book embraces the geographical position and natural resources, area and population. 2d. Political statistics, including govern- ment, revenue and expenditure, civil, military and na- 8 w- If m fi ' l" iiri •1 1 M ' 8G THE LETTER-BAG OF I . ,s of my prede- rom these facts, 's in America. say they want " striking val affairs. 3d. Moral statistics, (that is a title will please the rads. vastly") including religion and educa- tion. 4th. Medical statistics, including comparative mortality, &c. 5th. Economical statistics, including agriculture, manufactures, navigation, trade, &c. All this is done, and is, in my opinion, devilish well done, for a man who knows nothing about it, hut the United States almanacks, road manuals, newspr.^ers and guide books, have furnished abundant, and,, I m inclined to think, authentic information. It is but to hash up the cold colla cessors. The deductions and theori I feel I can draw as well in Londt i In this the publishers agree, but tht life; "verisimilitude," is their word, ..id incidents." The politics are on the sii/e side — ultra radicals. I have applied a sledge- immer to the church in the colonies ; blown up the rectories, and clergy reserves, sky-high ; gone the whole figure for responsible governments; (though between you and me, and the post, I can't, for the soul of me, under- stand the difference between that, in the sense demand- ed, and independence,) for ballot, universal suffrage, and short parliainents ; and illustrated these things by their practical working in the new states of America. As respects the house of Lords, that is a delicate sub- ject. My friend .... fell foul of it, and charged it with legislating in ignorance and inattention. This course may do for him, but, for obvious reasons, I think it imprudent in me. His section is the most aris- tocratic of the parties at present, and I doubt if it would serve my turn to follow him. The church is a different thing. That is fair game : and I am, in this liberal age, backed by high authority, for giving it no quarter. Besides, it is not a " churrh militant." I have gone beyond Brougham in this, who swear- it was the church which was the causeof the rebellion m Canada. As respects the state of slavery in the States, I have « I ! ? i \ THE GREAT WESTERN. 87 title will d educa- nparative including &c. All /ell done, le United ind guide iclined to nj prede- lese facts, America. hey want " striking le — ullra- r to the Dries, and igure for , you and B, under- demand- uffrage, ings by America. ate sub- arired it This a sons, I ost aris- ubt if it jrch is a in this ng it no I have was the Canada. I have n. gathered anecdotes on board, from some travellers, that are capital, especially of JefTerson selling his own children — flogging others, and playing the very devil; of a descendant of Washington being a slave and set up at auction ; and of a white wife being compelled to wait upon the black mistress of her husband, and so on. Talking of slaves, reminds me of the Barbadoes Globe of the 15th August, which I send you. Read the sermon of an abolition captain Somebody. It is capital. I wish it served our views to insert it : if it did, I would do so, for it would make an excellent ar- ticle, particularly where he points to one of tluMr mas- ters, and tells the negroes they must not kill him — must not hate him for his cruelties, and so on ; like the old story of not ducking the pick-pocket. It is magnificent ! That fellow ought to head a commission — the quakers should put him into parliament. Of lynching, I have got some choice stories ; and will endeavour to pass through the state where they took place, to give them from the spcjt. Of the bowie- knife — Arkansaw tooth-pick, and other slillettoes, in use among the settlers on the Indian borders, I im- ported a specimen when I began the work, and had drawings made in London. On waste lands in the co- lonies, some people we wot of, have made capital speeches, I understand, as I have written my book from official returns, and fancy. I hear they are right in part, and in part wrong; the right part, every body knew — the wrong, no body ever heard of before. I will " discuss most learnedly" on this matter. I can boast, now, that f am an eye-witness. Ego to intus et in cute novi; which is more than either of them can say, at any rate. I have made out the following list of subjects for anecdotes, which, like a cork jacket, will make the body of the book float liij;htly. The ap- petite of the public is like that of the boa-constrictor, it is not satisfied with less than the whole hog. Lynching — spitting — gouging — steam-boats blown up 9, I-.' t' !.: I 88 THE LETTER-BAG OT —slavery — sales and breeding of slaves — licentious manners of the South — slang expressions of the East and West — border doings in Canada — Clay — President — Webster — ignorance of the fine arts — bank frauds — land frauds — stabbing with knives — dinner toasts — flogging in the United Slates navy — voluntary system — advantage of excluding clergymen from schools, in- stance, Girard's College, «fec. — cruelty to Indians — ra- venous eating — vulgar familiarity — boarding houses — list of names of drink — watering places — legislative anomalies, and tricks of log-rolling bills — anecdotes of Papineau — Sir John Colborne and Lord Durham — and some few of woman, perhaps, the most attractive of all. These I can gather from travellers, and from par- ty-men, who, in all countries, never spare their oppo- nents; and from country journals, and the speeches of mob orators. It will spice the work, afford passages for newspaper puffs and paragraphs, and season the whole dish. All this can be accomplished in eight weeks, easily. The Americans live in steam-boats, rail-cars, stage- coaches, and hotels, so that I shall see them at home while travelling, and of their domestic manners, ask freely of any one I meet. It is not necessary to give dates ; no one will know when I arrived, when I de- parted, or how long I was in the country. Dates are awkward boys, they are constantly getting between your legs and throwing you down. I will give the whole a dash of the democracy of the new school, be- ing both anti-church and anti-tory, in my opinion. I will talk of general progression — of reform measures — of the folly of finality, and so on. It will take, my dear boy — it will do. — I shall go down as well as any ultra- Liberal of the day. I think I see the notices of it al- ready : — This is a great work. — Sun. This work is eminently entitled to public favour. — Weekly Dispatch. THE GREAT WESTERN. 89 centious he East 'resident frauds — toasts — r system lools, in- •ins — ra- louses — gislative dotes of im — and ctive of rom par- 3ir oppo- eches of passages ason the s, easily. s, stage- at home ers, ask to give en I de- tes are etween ive the ool, be- ion. I sures — y dear y ultra- f it al- rour. — This is at once a profound and entertaining work. We never observed any thing heJ'ore so remarkably beautiful as the illustrations. The views are distin- guished for picturesque elfect and importance of sub- ject. The drawings arc accurate and exquisite. — The Town. It has been said, that Hogarth's pictures are read, and the same may be said of the prints in the volume before us. — Examiner'. Of Mr. Grant's woik, it is impossible to speak in terms of suflicient approbation. The enlarged views, varied and accurate information on all topics of general inter- est, and the liberal and enlightened tone of thinking, that pervades this book, justly entitle him to rank among the most profound thinkers, and successful writers, of the present day. We cordially congratu- late him on his eminent success, and the public on so valuable an addition to its literature. More we can- not say. — Satirist. This is decidedly the best book ever written on America. — Sunday l^imes. This work is entitled to a place by the side of Lord Durham's masterly report: higher praise it is impossi- ble to accord. — Mmiiinfr Chronicle. Then follow "The Beauties of Grant," — how well it sounds! Think of that, master Mac. That — that — is fame. If you could get me made a member of some of the London Societies, during my absence, it would be of great service to me. An F. U. S., or M. L. S., or M. G. S. after one's name on the title-page, looks well, and what you say then, comes ex cathedra as it were. You speak as a man having authority, you are a "most potent, grave, and reverend signior," and entitled to be heard among men. 1 would not mind the expense of the thing, could it be managed, for the sake of the eclat it would give me and my work, and for the pleasure too of letting all the world know the fact, as my volume, I hope, cannot fail to do. 8* , 1 1 00 THE LETTKR-BAO OP ;!i Murray's book is dedicated to the Queen by special permission, and that alone is a feather in the author's cap. A book that is inscribed in this formal manner, is supposed to be read, at least, by its patron. Now, although I have no pretensions to this honour, my views ought to make my book a favourite with the parties whose cause I so strongly advocate, particu- larly that portion which demonstrates the necessity of conciliating rival sects, by a total rejection of the Bible from the Common Schools of the nation ; and I con- fess, I shall entertain the hope that Lord B will interest himself to obtain for me, the special permis- sion of the Marquis of Locofoco, to dedicate my tra- vels to him. His " imprimatur" is, I admit, no great advantage in a literary point of view, but politically it is of the first importance. It will give it " the Tower mark," — it will pass current then as coin. And now, hurrah for the Pawnees — the Texans, and the Cana- dians — and Yankee town, and then for " Travels in the United States of America, the Texas and British Provinces, with minute and copious details of their geographical, political, moral, medical and economi- cal statistics, including interesting anecdotes of distin- guished living characters, incidents of travel, and a description of the habits, feelings, and domestic life of the people. Illustrated by numerous drawings and sketches taken on the spot by the author. By Gregory Grant, F. R. S. and M. L. D. Dedicated, by special permission, to the Marquis of Locofoco." Here is the pilot on board. All is bustle and confu- sion. God bless you ! dear Mac. Don't forget the F. R. S. or some other A. S. S. society. Adieu. Yours always, GaEGORY Grant. "i THE GREAT WESTERN. 01 3y special author's manner, n. Now, lour, my with the , particu- !cs3ity of the Bible nd I con- will .1 permis- ! my tra- no great )oh'ticaIly le Tower Ind now, le Cana- ravels in d British of their 3conomi- :)f distin- 1, and a c life of ^s and Gregory special d confu- rget the I. RANT. No. XII. LETTER FROM A STOKER. Dere An — Last night as ever was in Bristul CaptainClaxton ired me for to go to Americka on board this stcemer Big West un as a stoker, and them as follered me all along the rode from Lunnun may foller me there two if they liks, and be damned to em and much good may it do them two, for prigging in England aint no sin in the U States were every man is free to do as he pleseth and ax no uns lif neither, and where is no peleise, nor constables, nor fleets, nor new gates, and no need of reforms. I couldnt 'leep all nite for lafeing when I thort ou they'd stare wen they eared i wass off and tuck the plate of liord Springfield off with me and they look- ing all round Bristul and ad heir panes for their trou- ble. I haven't wurk so arc. inse I ' und away from farmer Doggins the nite he wu- noked off his orse and made to stand, and lost his purs of munny as he got fur his corn, as I av since I listed for a stoker. Ime blest if it arn't cruel ard v\ urk ear. I wurks in the cole ole day and nite, a moving cole for the fi miss, which never goes out but burns for ever and ever, and there is no hair, it is so ot my moutli is eated so that wat I drinks smox and isses as if it wur a ort iron, and my flesh is as dry as ung beef and the only con- sholation I av is To/ <' bin ung beef in e^nest if they ad a nabbed mc ali re I left Bristul, all owin to Bill Sawyer peachin o»; njo. JNo wun would no me now for I am as black as the I ' ,.. *cs out of his mout, den what goes into it) have gone boast, *'de schoolmaster is abroad." Veil ! farte of alldat? de schoolmaster is not de right man, aftare all ; but if he will say " de cook is abroad," den he shall speak sense, for once, ondeniable. De cog.x is de gentleman dat shall make von grand reform in de En- glish natione, more better as ballot or universal suf- ferage, or de Lord John Russell all in one pile, heap up togedare. De .Tohn Bull vat is poor, is so savage as a blood-hound — for why ? because he feeds on raw meet; de chartist is wicked, because his stomach is out of de order ; and so is dc radical vary cross and sour, be- cause he is dispeptic, bilious and troubled wid wind ; and de rish man, what you call whig, go hang and drown himself for noting at all, but because his diges- tion is bad. Ah ! my dear sare, my goot friend, de cook is de doctare — de statesman — de true patriot. Speak of educationc nationale, mon dieu ! it is cooking THE GREAT WESTEKN. 113 )ne-half hear of 1 cannot 3, in one le week, )etter, as only for lationale remain, army of lich was ibined in hold up ibt of de :tLirc, but e to gen- it, man is 3 he cats, for what it) have ! farte m, aftare den he oG.v is de in de En- rsal suf- , heap up an;e as a aw meet; out of de sour, be- d wind ; nano; and )is diges- riend, de 3 patriot. cooking nationale vat you shall vant ; and dis do put mind in me to go talk to de steward about de dinnair, so I must have take de honore to subscribe to you Myself, wid great respect. Your obedient servant, Frederick Frelin. No. XVI. LETTER FROM AN OLD HAND. My dear James — Just as 1 was embarking I received your letter requesting me to give you a full account of my voyage, and such hints as might be useful to you whenever you shall make the passage yourself. The first is un- necessary, for there is nothing to tell. Every man is alike — every woman is alike. They are more alike than the men, too much of the devil in all. Every ship is alike, especially steam ships, and the incidents of one voyage are common to all. " Facias non omni- bus una, nee tamen diversa." The company usually consists of young officers joining regiments ; — talk — Gibraltar — Cape — Halifax — Horse-guards — promotion and sporting: of naval men ; talk — insults to flag — foreign stations — crack frigates — round sterns — Old Admiral: of speculators; talk — cotton — tobacco — flour : of Provincials ; talk — Durham — Head — Colborne — Poulette Thompson : of travellers ; talk — Mississippi — Niagara — Mahone bay : of women ; talk — head-ache — amusements, and non- sense about Byron : of Yankees ; talk — Locofocos — 10* ^:'t $ 114 THE LETTER-BAG OP ^i ; go-ahead — dollars: of manufacturers; talk — steam — factories — machinery : of blockheads, who chatter like monkeys, about every thing. The incident? are common to all — fall on the deck — wet through — very sick — bad wine — cold dinner — rough water — shipped a sea, and u tureen of soup — spoke a ship, but couldn't hear — saw a whale, but so far off, only a black line — feel sulky. There is nothing therefore to tell you, but what has been told a thousand times, and never was worth telling once. But there are a few maxims worth knowing. 1st. Call steward — enquire the number of your cabin — he will tell you it is No. 1, perhaps — ah! very well, steward, here is half a sovereign to begin with, don't forget, it is No. 1. This is the beginning of the voy- age, I shall not forget the end of it. He never does lose sight of No. 1, and you continue to be No. 1 ever after ; best dish at dinner, by accident, is always before you, best attendance behind you, and so on. You can never say with the poor devil, that was hen-pecked, " the first of the tea, the last of the coffee for poor Jemy." — / always do this. 2d. If you are to have a chum, take a young one, and you can have your own way by breaking him in yourself — / always do. 3d. If the berths are over each other, let the young fellow climb, and do you take the lowest one, it is bet- ter he should break his neck than you. — I always do. 4th. All the luggage not required for immediate use, is marked " below," don't mark yours so at all, and you have it all in your own cabin, where you know where to find it when you want it. It is not then squeezed to death by a hundred tons of trunks. If you have not room in your cabin for it all, hint to your young chum, he has too much baggage, and some of it must 20 " below." — / always do 5th ays so. ing. )on't talk French, it brings all those chatter- grimacery follows about you. — / never do. 4 • \U THE GREAT WESTERN. 115 steam — tter like •.ommon ;k— bad 3ca, and hear — ne — feel 'ou, but ver was IS worth ur cabin ry well, h, don't the voy- er does ». 1 ever 's before if ou can ■pecked, or poor ing one, ; him in 3 young t is bet- fys do. ate use, all, and ►u know lol then If you to your lome of chatter- 6th. Make no acquaintance with women on two accounts ; first, they have no business on board, and secondly, they are too troublesome. — I never do. 7th. Never speak to a child, or you can't get clear of the nasty little lapdog thing ever afterwards. — 1 never do, 8th. Always judge your fellow passengers to be the opposite of what they strive to appear to be. For in- stance, a military man is not quarrelsome, for no man doubts his courage. A snob is. A clergyman is not over strait-laced, for his piety is not questioned. But a cheat is. A lawyer is not apt to be argumentative. But a doctor is. A woman that is all smiles and graces is a vixen at heart. Snakes fascinate. A stranger that is obsequious and over-civil without ap- parent cause, is treacherous. Cats that purr, are apt to bite and scratch like the devil. Pride is one thing, assumption is another ; the latter must always get the cold shoulder, for whoever shows it is no gentleman ; men never aflect to be what they are not. The only man who really is what he appears to be, is — a gentle- man. — I always judge thus. 9th. Keep no money in your pockets — when your clothes are brushed in the morning, it is apt — ahem — to fall out. — / never do. 10th. At table, see what wine the captain drinks; it is not the worst. — / always do. 11th. Kever be "at home" on any subject, to stupid fellows : they wont " call again." — / never am. 12th. Never discuss religion or politics with those who hold opinions opposite to yours ; they are sub- jects that heat in handling, until they burn your fingers; never talk learnedly on topics you know, it makes people afraid of you ; never talk on subjects you don't laiow, it makes people despise you ; never argue, no man is worth the trouble of convincing, and the better you reason the more obstinate people become; never pun on a man's words: it is as bad as spitting in his face. In short, whenever practicable, let others per- \ If I '"! K !i ii { I i| j ' ^' Ii! 1 ^ 11 ' V '•, ' i 1 s iti ili ■ *^' ■ ' " 1 1 ^ Ii ,ir ii 110 THE LBTTER-nAG OP form, and do you look on: a seat in the dress-circle is prefcrablG to a part iti tlio play. — This is my rule. 13tli. Bo always civil, and no one will wish to be rude to you; be ceremonious, and people cannot if they would; impertinence seldom honours you with a visit, without an invitation — at least. — I ahmiysfnd it so. 14th. Never sit opposite a carving-dish ; here is not time for doing pretty. — I never do. 15th, Never take a place opposite a newly married couple; it is a great many things, tiresome, tantalizing, disgusting, and so on. — / never do. IGtli. Never sit near a subordinate officer of the ship, they arc always the worst served and are too much at home to be agreeable. — / never do. 17. Never play at cards; some people know too little for your temper, and others too much for your pocket. — / never do. 18th. There is one person to whom you should be most attentive and obliging, and even anticipate his wants; his comfort should be made paramount to every other consideration, namely — yourself. — / always do. There are many other corollaries from these maxims, which a little reflection will suggest to you, but it is a rule never to write a long letter. — I never do. Yours always, JoHiV Stager. THE GREAT WESTERN. 117 circle is u/e. Ii to be t if they I a visit, it so. re is not married talizing, of the are too low too ^or your lould be pate his ;o every 1JS do. naxims, it is a AlOER. ^ No. XVII. LETTER FROM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN TO HIS FRIEND AT BANGOR. Dear Ichabod — As I shall cut off to Harrisburg, Pa., to-morrow as soon as I land, and then proceed to Pittsville, Ma., I write you these few lines to inform you of the state of things in general, and the markets in particular. — Rice is rice, though the tobacco-market looks black ; cotton is lighter, and some brilliant specs have been made in oil. Pots hang heavy in hand, and pearl is dull. Tampico fustic is moderate, and campeachy a 37 — 50 — 4 mos. Whalebone continues firm. Few transactions have taken place in Bar or Pig, and iron generally is heavy. Hung-dried Chili remains high, but Santa Marthas are flat. The banks and large houses look for specie, but long paper still passes in the hands of individuals and little houses in the city. — This is all the news and last advices; bi* dear Ich, what on airth are we coming to, and how will our free and enlightened country bear the inspection brand abroad ? Will not our name decline in foreign markets? The pilot has just come on board, and intimates that the Vice President, the second officer of this first of countries, was not received with due honour at New York. He says that the Common Council could not ask him to thread an agrarian band of Fanny- Wright men, Offin men, Ming men, and all other sorts of men, but respectable men ; for he would have had to en- .'Mi Wl $ n \^ ^ H t ' 118 THK LETTER-HAG OP ;f I I r ^i' i;i counter a sloiigli of Loco Focoism, that no decent man would wade throujjrh. It is scarcely credible that so discreditable an event should occur in thisem])ire city; but it is the blessed IVuit of that cursed tree of Van liurenisni, which is rotten before it is ripe, and un- like other poisonous fruit is noi even attractive in out- ward appearance, but looks bad, tastes bad, and oper- ates bad, and in short, is bad altogether. — But of all the most np[)alling information I have received per this channel was that of the formation of twenty-four new hose companies. What? said I, twenty-four new hose companies? Is the stocking business going ahead ? Is it to cover the naked feet of the shoe-less Irish, and Scotch, and En- glish paupers, that cover with uncovered legs, like locusts, this happy land — or is it for foreign markets? Where does the capital come from? Is it a spec, or has it a bottom ? No, said he, shaking his head ; it is a dark job of the new-lights, the Loco Focos. To carry the election of chief engineer of the firemen, they have created twenty-four new companies of firemen, called nose companies, which has damped the fire and extin- guished the last spark of hope of all true {)atriots. It has thrown cold water upon the old fire com])anies, who will sooner resign than thus be inundated. This is the way the radicals of England wanted to swamp the House of Lords, by creating a new batch of peers, baked at once; though the persons for peers were only half-baked, or under-done — but they did not, and were not allowed to glut the market that way. How is it that this stale trick should become fresh, and succeed in tliis enlightened land ; this abode of freemen ; this seat of purity, and pass current without one solid, genuwine ingredient of true metal. It is a base trick, a baretaced imposition, a high-handed and unconstitutional measure. It is a ])altry manoeuvre to swindle the firemen out of their right of election. Yes, Ich, the firemen is swamped, and the sun of I SH : THE GREAT VVE.STERX. 119 cnt man that so ire city ; of Van and un- ! in oiit- nd oj)er- ut ol" all I per this our new nies? Is over the and En- jgs, Hke narkets? spec, or id ; it is Vo carry ley have ti, called id extin- iots. It npanies, I. This swamp )f peers, re only were o fresh, )t)de of without It is a ed and irruvre Oct ion. un of liberty has gone down red and angry, extinguished in the waters of popular delusion. Then, for heaven's sake, look at Yicksburg; every thing looks worse and worse, there ; in several of the counties they have quashed all the bonds, in some there are no courts, in others, the sherilTs pocket the money, and refuse to shell-out to any one. In one instance, a man, tried for the murder of his wife, escaped, because he was con- victed of manslaughter; and, in another, a person in- dicted for stealing a pig, got oif because it was a shote. They ring the noses of the judges instead of the pigs. From, cutting each o\\v:v up in the papers with pens, they now cut each other up in the streets with bowie- knives, and, in my opinion, will soon eat one another like savages, for back-biting has become quite common. The constitution has received a pretty considerable tarnation shock — that's a fact. Van Burenism and Sub-Treasuryism have triumphed ; the whig cause has gained nothing but funeral honours, and a hasty burial below low-water mark. In England, Biddle retiring from, the bank, has allected the cotton trade, and shook it to its centre. They say, if it paid well, why did he pay himself off? It was a losing concern, it was a loss to lose him ; but all are at a loss to know the reason of his withdrawing. I own, I fear he is playing the game of fast and loose. The breaking of that bank would afiect the banks of the Mississip|)i as well as the Ohio, and the country would be inundated with bad paper, the natural result of his paper war with Jackson, the undamming, by the administration, of the specie dammed up by him for so long a period — damn them all, I say ! However, Ich, if we have made a losing concern of it, the Englisli have got their per contra sheet, showing a balance against them, too. They are going to lose r^'^nda, see if they aint, as sure as a gun; and if they do, I guess we know where to find it, without any great search after it, either. I didn't think, myself, it was so 120 THE LETTER-BAG OP ^- ■ i '^ i: i I far gone goose with them, or the fat in the fire half so bad, until I read Lord Durham's report ; but he says, " my experience leaves no doubt on my mind, that an invading American army might rely upon the co-oper- ation of almost the entire French population of Lower Canada." Did you ever hear the like of that, Ich ? Bv i^osh, but it was worth while to publish that, wasn't itV Now after such an invitation as that coming from such a quarter too, if our folks dont go in and take it they ought to be kicked clean away to the other side of sundown, hani; !ne if thev hadn't ou<];ht. Its enoufjh to make a cat sick too, to hear them Goneys to Can- ada talk about responsible government, cuss me if it aint. They dont know wlu;t they are jawing about them fellows, thats a fact. I siiould like to know whats the use of mob responsihility when our most responsi- ble treasurers fobbed five millions of dollars lately of the public money, without winking. Where are they now '\ Why some on em is in France going the whole figure, and the other rascals at home snapping the fingers of one hand at the people, and jingling their own specie at them with the fingers of the other as sarcy as the devil. Only belong to the majority and you arc as safe as a thief in a mill. They'll carry you through the mire at a round trot as stilf as a ped- lar's horse. Its well enough to boast, Ich, of our Constitution afore strangers, and particularly afore them colony chaps, becan e it may do good, but I hope I may be most pittikilarly cussed, if I wouldnt undertake to drive a stage coach and four horses through most any part of it at full gallop. Kesf)onsibility ! what infernal non- sense ! Show me one of all our public defaulters that deserved hanging, that ever got his due, and then I 'II believe the word has got some meaning in it ; but the Jiritish are fools, thats a fact — always was fools, and always will be fools to the eend of the chapter — and Vv. THE GREAT WESTERN. 121 re half so I he says, [, that an ; co-oper- )f Lower bat, Ich? It, wasn't ling from d take it )ther side ts enough 's to (^an- ! me if it ing about low whats ; responsi- 3 lately of are they the whole ipping the mg their other as ority and '11 carry as a ped- nstitution 1 colony may be ; to drive any part nal non- Itcrs that then I'll but the ools, and )ter — and 3r i them are colonists arn't much better, I hope I may be shot if they are. The devil help them all I say, till we are ready for them and then let them look out for squalls, thats all. Lord ! if they were to invade us as our folks did them, and we was to catch them, weed serve them as Old Hickory did Ambrister and Ar- buthonot down there to Florida line, hang em up like onions a dozen on a rope. I guess they wont try them capers with us. They know a trick worth two of that I'me a thinking. I suppose youve heard the French took a pilot out of a British gun-brig : when called upon for explana- tion they said they took the man-of-war for a mer- chantman — no great of a compliment that, was it? but John Bull swallowed it all, though he made awful wry faces in getting it down. As our minister said, suppose they did make such a blunder, what right had they to take him at all out of a merchantman, and if it was a mistake why didnt they take him back again when they found out their error? He was such an everlastin overbearrin crittur himself in years past was John Bull, it does one good to see him humbled, and faith he gets more kicks than coppers now. It ap- pears to me they wouldnt have dared to have done that to us, dont it to you? Then they took one of their crack steam frigates for a Mexican. Lord ! that was another compliment, and they let drive into her and playd the very devil. Nothing but another mistake agin, says Bullfrog, upon my vird and onare vary scary, but I did not know you my goot friend — no I did not indeed — I took you for de miserable Mexican — You vary much aUared from de old time what went before — vary. It was lucky for Johnny Croppo our Giniral Jackson hadn't the helm of state or he 'd a taught them diflbrent guess manners I'm a thinking. If they had dared to venture that sort of work to us in Old Hickory's time, I hope I may be skinned alive by wild cats if he wouldn't have blowed everv cu!?se(l 11 122 THE LETTER-BAG OP • 1 ; i t !'■ i Ml craft they have out of the waler. Lord ! Ich, he 'd a sneezed them out, cuss me if he wouldn't. There is no mistake in Old Hick, I tell vou. If he isn't clear grit — ginger to the back bone — tough as whip leather — and spunky as a bull-dog, it 's a pity, that 's all. I must say, at present our citizens are treated with great respect abroad. His Excellency the honourable the governor of the state of Quimbagog lives at St. Jimses, and often dines at the palace. When they go to dinner, he carries the Queen and Melburne carries the Dutchess Kent. Him and the Queen were considerable shy at first, but they soon got sociable and are quite thick now. He told the company, there was a town to home called Vix- burg after (Melburne says ahem ! as a hint not to go too far — governor winks, as much as to say, no fear, I take you my boy), so called from vix, scarcely, and burga, a city, which place had become famous through- out America, for its respect for the laws, and that many people thought there was a growing resemblance be- tween Ennrland and it — Melburne seed the bam and looked proper vexed, and to turn the conversation said : shall I have the honour to take wine with your Excellency mister governor of the state of Quimbagog in America, but now a guest of her most gracious Majcst3\ They say, he always calls it an honour when he asks him and pays him the respect to give him all his titles, and when he asks other folks he says, pleasure, and just nods his head. That's gratifying now, aint it? — The truth is, we stand letter a No. 1. abroad, and for no other reason than this, the British can whip all the world, and we can whip the British. — When you write to England if you speak of this ship, you must call her the Great Western Steamer, or it may lead to trouble, for there are two Great Westerns, this here ship, and one of the great men, and they wont know which you mean. Many mis- takes have happened already, and parcels are con- THE GREAT WESTERN. 123 ;h, he 'd a There is sn't clear lip leather that's all. ated with lor of the Dften dines carries the Lent. Him t, but they . He told called Vix- , not to go ly, no fear, ircely, and lis through- l that many iblance bc- ; bam and )nversation with your ^uimbagog ijracious an honour set to give s he says, gratifying a No. 1. he British British. Iv of this Steamai\ kvo Great at men, any mis- are con- stantly sent to his .address in that way that are intended for America. The fact is, there is some truth in the resemblance : Both their trips cost more money than they were worth ; both raised greater expectations than they have fulfilled; both returned a plaguy-sight quicker than they went out — and between you and me and the post both are inconveniently big, and have iTiore smoke than power. As soon as I arrange my business at Pittsville I shall streak it ofl' for Maine like lightning, for I am in an everlasting almighty hurry, I tell you, and hoping to sec you well and stirring, and as hearty as brandy, I am, dear Ich, Yours faithfully, Elnathan Card. P. S. Keep darh. If you have a real right down clipper of a horse in your stable, a doing of nothing, couldn't you jist whip over to Portland on the 20th to meet me in your waggon ? If you could I can put you up to a thing about oils, in which, I think, we could make a con- siderable of a decent spec, and work it so as to turn a tew thousand dollars slick. General Corncob will ac- commodate me at the bank with what we want, for it was me helped him over the fence, when he was non- plushed last election for senator by the democratic re- publicans, and he must be a most superfine infernal rascal, if he turns slag on me now. Chew on it at any rate, and if you have a mind to go snacks, why jist make an arrand for something or another to the bay, to draw the wool over folks' eyes, and come on the sly, and you will go back heavier, I guess, than you come by a plaguy long chalk, that's a fact. — Yours, E.G. 124 THE LETTER-BAG OP No. XVIII. LETTER FROM ELIZABETH FIGG TO JOHN BUGGINS. Dear Jonrr — I never will believe nothing I hear, till I see it — never. We are now in sight of America, which riz out of the sea this morning afore breakfast, and is nothing but a blue spec after all, and no bigger than a common hill, and yet this is the land, they say, is so large, that you have to travel through it by water. But this is the way strangers are always deceived by travellers' stories, that you don't know how much to set down fabulous, and how much to give credit to. I arrived in due course bv coach at Bristol the same day at night that I left London, and was picked up out of the bush by a cab-man, who took me to the stairs ; but he was a villain, like many more that I could name, at Bristol as well as other places. Sais he is it a single fair 1 no says I, I am married to John Figg this seven years, says he, I mean is there any more to be took in 1 no said I, I hope not, and I trust you are not ago- ing for to take me in, are you 1 with that he shot too the door with a grin and got up on the box, and I heard him say, she is a rum one, that's sertain. When we got to Clifton he made me pay ten shillings, I wish you would see to it, he is a stout man with a red face, and you'll know him by his waist-coat, which is red too. After that I took a voyage down the river to where the Great Western stood waiting for us, but Gracious Powers I it was a floating station for a rail way. Such ii V\ TriE GREAT WESTERN. 125 JGGINS. 1 I see it which riz 5t, and is er than a say, is so by water. :eived by much to credit to. I the same ed up out le stairs ; d name, a single his seven be took not ago- shot too IX, and I When s, I wish red face, which is to where rracious ,y. Such a confusion no one did ever see. I was told when I came on board I should see a palace, all fit for the Queen, so elegant and so clean, the wood all gilding and the moreens all silk, and the rooms all state rooms, and as for liquor nothing but hoc and shampain would go down, and every thing you could think of, besides ever so much you never dreamed of all your life, all provided for your reception, and the only objection was the voyage was so short, you got but little use of it for your money. Well I never ! if it aint horred to hoax people that way, I declare ; but let them Bristol Quakers alone for sly ones I say — but I '11 not get be- fore my story — you shall see for yourself how far things come up to the mark or not. I have been wretched uncomfortable in this steamer, for what in the world is the use of all the gilding and carving and pictures and splendor that ever was to you when you arc sick at the stomack ? Our cabin has two boxes in it called births, though coffins would be nearer the thing, for you think more of your other end at sea a^reat deal. One of these is situated over the other like two shelves, and these two together make what they call a state room. What would they think at the real palace, of such a state room as this, of just a closet and no more, for the queen and her mother to sleep in, and no dressing-room nor nothing? but you shall hear all. My birth is the uppermost one, and I have to climb up to it putting one foot on the lower one, and the other away out on the v/ash-hnnd stand, which is a great stretch and makes it very straining ; then I lift one knee on the birth, and roll in side ways. This is very inoonvenient to a woman of my size, and very dangerous. I.ast night I put my foot on Mrs. Brown's face, as she laid asleep close to the edge of the lower one, and nearly put out her eye, and I have torn all the skin oft' my knees, and then I have a large black spot where I have been hurt, and my head is swelled. To dismount is another feat of horseman- 11* |.^: f'mi T» .m Ml I i. 1 ■ m 1 :' i! III! . k ( I f 126 THE LETTBR-BAQ OF ship only fit for a sailor. You can't sit up for the floor over head, so you have to turn round and roll your legs out first, and then hold on, till you touch bottom Sonne where, and then let yourself down upright. It is dreadful work, and not very decent for a delicate fe- male if the steward happens to come in when you are in the act this way. I don't know which is hardest, to get in or get out a birth ; both are the most diffi- cultest things in the world, and I shall be glad when I am done with it. I am obligated to dress in bed, afore I leave it, and nobody that hasn't tried to put on their clothes lying down can tell what a task it is. Lacing stays behind your back, and you on 3'our face nearly smothered in bed clothes, and feeling for the eylet hole with one hand, and trying to put the tog in with the other, while you are rolling about from side to side, is no laughing matter. Yesterday I fastened on the pil- low to my bustler by mistake, in the hurry, and never knew it, till people laughed at me and said the sea agreed with me I had grown so fat. But putting on stockings is the worst, for there aint room to stoop for- ward, so you have to bring your foot to you, and stretching out on your back, lift up your leg till you can reach it, and then drag it on. Corpulent people can't do this so easy, I can tell you. It always gives me the cramp and takes away my breath. You would pity me if you could conceive John, but you can't, — nobody but a woman can tell what a female suffers being confined in a birth at sea. Then I get nothing hardly to eat, for I sit between a German and a Frenchman, and if I ask one to help me, he says — " neat for stain," which means, I am afraid to dirt my fingers ; and the other keeps saying, " Je non ton Pa," I aint your father; and when I call steward, he says, " Yes mame, comeing directly," and he never comes at all. Then the doctor says, Mrs. Figg, what will you take — is there any thing I can give you 1 He says this every day at dinner, and it kills me, the very idea. THE GREAT VVESTERX. 127 the floor 'oil your bottom ht. It is icate fe- you are hardest, ost diffi- [ when I ed, afore on their Lacing e nearly ylet hole with the > side, is the pil- nd never the sea tting on toop for- ^ou, and r till you it people ys gives u would can't, — 3 suffers nothing I and a says — dirt my ton Pa," le says, comes hat will He says ry idea. At last I said to him, Do pray doctor dont mention it, I am sick enough already, and you really turn my sto- mach. Oh ! John, I suffer more than mortal can ima- gine. The biscuit is as hard as a dutch tile and it is easier to crack a tooth than to crack that, but may be it is only my weakness — and the vinegar tastes sweeter to rne than the wine, but perhaps that 's all owing to the sourness of my stomach. Indeed it's little that goes down my throat which seems to be turned upside down and acts the other way. If all the passengers is like me, the Captain will have a profitable voyage of it, I am sure, for 1 can neither eat nor drink any thing — and what I live on. Gracious only knows, for I don't. We h&ve had a terrific gale ever since we left, and the motion is dreadful. You never see any thing like the sea, when its fairly up ; its like a galloping boil, it froths and rolls over, and carries on tremendous. Sometimes it pitches into the vessel, and sometimes the vessel pitches into it, and sometimes the.y both pitch to- gether, and, then, words is wanting to paint it out in true colours. At such times, the trunks slide about the floor, as if they was on the ice, and it is as much as your legs is worth to be among them a minute. Every thing I have is either wet or torn ; my new silk bonnet is all scruntched flat, by Mrs. Brown falling down on it ; and, what's worse is, to have my bum-be-seen look- ing no better than the cook's, it has got all soiled, and a great spot on it that I can't get off*, do what I will. The place underneath is very hot, and the air so long confined that comes from there, aint pleasant at all, it makes me feel very frail. But that aint the worst of it, the doors are all painted so beautiful, and look so romantic, that they didn't like to number them, for fear of spoiling the pictures on them ; and it tante very easy to tell which is which, or whose is whose ; and there is a great German officer always opening my door, by mistake, and, sometimes, won't be convinced till he T^ \ |fi :\k^ 128 THE LETTER-BAG OF looks me in the face, and then its — oh, I pegs porton, madam, I, too, indeed, I mishtookt it for mine .own, so I lid. It frightens me so, I am afraid to do anytiiing, amost, for fear of his great wliisker'd face come pop- ing in upon me. It is a dreadful life, dear John ; no one knows what it is, but them that's tried it, and them, too, that's sea-sick, and is females. The partitions, too, are so very tiiin, you can hear all kinds of noises, just as plain as if it was in the same room, which is very inconvenient and disagreeable. My next neigh- bour is a Frenchman, he is very ill, and is always call- ing some jew or another that never "comes. It is pitia- ble to hear him crying all day, O mon jew, mon jew ! Sometimes, just as I feel exhausted and quiet, from weakness, he begins reaching, so 'Iredful, that it sets me off again, and I think I shall never stop; and, as for the steward, as there is no bells, and he is a mile off, you iniglit as well call from Dover to Calais, and expect to be heard ; and if you catch a glimpse of an- other servant, he says, yes, marm, and you never see him again, or, if you do, you don't know him, they are so numerous, and being mulattoes, you can't tell them apart. The black girls, or 'jets does,' as the French call them, are so busy, they do nothing at ail, but chase each other round and round. You want a gentleman at sea very much, more than any where else; and, if poor Mr. Figg hadn't unfortunately had to leave Eng- land rather unexpectedly, I shouldn't have been in such a primminary as I am. You aint much better oft', on deck, for, when the ship pitches or rolls, you are apt to lose your stool, and whatever happens at sea, either from a full, or getting in a spree, every one laughs. There is no sympathy here, tor no one; and politeness is not the order of the day, when people are not invited for company, but pay their way, and no thanks to any one. How times is altered with me, since I was a belle, and all Hackney rung with my name and fortin, and it was whose arm I should take, and who should THE GREAT WESTERN. 129 I 5 porton, .own, so nything, )me pop- ohn ; no ncl them, artilions, f noises, which is :t neigh- ays call- : is pitia- lon jew ct, from it it sets and, as is a mile lais, and se of an- lever see thev are ell them French )at chase intleman and, if Lve Eng- ri in such )r off', on 1 are apt la, either ! laughs, olitencss t invited s to any I was a id fortin, 3 should be the happy man, and a smile was too much pay for any trouble — or, rather, trouble was a pleasure. Bum- pers didn't mean what bumpers does now ; and running bump agin you, and most knocking you over, is a very different thing from having your health drank in toast, the men all standing unkivered, and having it done whenever opportunity offered. But men aint what men was, and a steamer aint a corporation ball, though they do call it a palace, nor nothing like it; and, al- though I am no longer Betsey Buggins, that was, yet I am not much altered, unless it be I 'me a little more " om bum point" than I was, whicli, some people say, is more becoming. Besides, being married, looks is of no more consequence than dress, unless it should be my fortune to marry again, which, Mr. Figg's declining health, I fear, renders not impossible, if ever I could bring myself to think of another, which aint probable. But, poor Mr. Figg is greatly changed, and enjoys very bad heaUh; he aint the same man hu w-is, and has fell away to nothing, until he is a mere atomy. But, I trust in Providence, if yellow fever don't do for him, change of air will. Hoping this will find you in good health and spirits, 1 am, dear brother, Your faithful sister, Elizabeth Figg. P. S. If you see Mrs. Hobbs, tell her I am much beholden to her, for her kindness in saying Mr Figg and me left England serruptitious, on account of a de- rangement of affairs, but ill health of Mr. Figg, from being kept at it from morning till night, was the sole cause ; for thank goodness, we can retire when we please at any moment and enjoy ourselves, if he was only as able as he once was in bodily strength. As far as means goes, we have it, and enough to spare, to purchase her and Mr. Hobbs out any day, and set them up again, and not miss it. I most wonder some 130 TIIK Ll'JTTKR-nAU OK t i 1 f ' ill i it ^ 1 1 pc!0|)lo aiiit ashamed, to show their red faces, when it's well known that water never canses red noses. But 1 scorn to retaliate on people that's i^iven to sieh low habits, only some folks had better sec the brandy blos- soms on their own fac-cs, before they i\m\ beams in other people's characters. I liate such decxMtful wretches as is so civil to your face, and the moment yonr back is turned imd nothini]^ too bad to say of you, but tliis is not worth breath, and that's the truth. E. Fioo. No. XIX. LETTER FROM THE SON OF A PASSENGER. Dear Bor — (lucss where I am now, my boy. Do you give it up? Well, I 'm on board the Great Western, I am upon my soul ! Father has gone to America to take Bill, the Ceylon Missionary boy, home to his friends, and I am olV with him in this steamer, and it's hurrah for Yankee town, and the TiOrd knows where all ! It's as good fim as a fair, and there is such a crowd all the time, you !an just do what you please, and no one find you out. Sliding on the wet deck above the saloon, when the ])assengers are at dinner, makes it nice and slippery, and when they come up, not thinking of slides or any thing of the kind, away they go head over lieels all in a heap — such scream- ing among the girls a showing of their legs, and such damning among the men about greasy decks, you THE GREAT WESTKnW. 131 you never hoard. TIkmi (IroppiMij a [)iocc of oran,i^c peel bcforo a I'^tHMicJiiiKin, wlieii lie goes prancing about the (l(H'k, sends liiin llNing a yard or s(» till Im conies on all lours, wlicri! ho \vall()|).s about like a fish just caught. But tluj b(;st fun is putting shot under the leet of the camp stools, when nobody is looking, it I makes the women kick up their heels like donkeys. I ■ have to give my old (Jovernor a wide berth, tor he i owes me a thrashing, but he is lame and can't catch i me. IJe is pro])er vexed. — I stole a leaf out of his ser- mon last Sunday, and when he came to the gaj), he stopped, and first looked ahead, and then bacii again, and at last had to take a running leap over it — my eyes, what a laugh there was! The last words were "the beauty" and the next page began, of the devil and all his works. He coughed, and stammered, and then blew his nose, and then coloured up as red as a herring, and gave me a look, as much as to say — " you'll catch it for this, my boy, I know;" but there is one good thing about the old man too, he dont carry a grudge long. Wheii he came back to his cabin, says he to tlu; Ceylon boy, William, says he, these pas- sengers behave very ill, very ill, indeed — what made them laugh so when I was goi;jg into the cabin and coming out again. They must be very loose people, to behave in this unhandsome manner. It is very un- becoming. What were they laughing at, do you know ? At the white shirts of the negroes, says I, winking to Bill, but confound him, he would not take a hint. I believe it was this, sir, said Bill, who was always a spooney, taking up the back of his gown and showing him a card, I took oil" one of the boxes and stuck there, " This side up, to be kept dry." But the greatest fun I have had is with an old Ger- man named Lybolt, of Philadelphia or Pennsylvania or some such place in the States. He sleeps next birth to us. Well, I goes and picks out a piece of putty in the partition just near his head, and when Fie is fast I 11 4, iiil 132 THE LETTER-BAG OP 'V I .1;. asleep snoring, lets drive a squirt full of water right into his face and mouth. Oh ! mine Cot ! mine Cot ! the old fellow sings out, varte a leak dat is ! I am all wet so I am, most trowned in my ped. Steward, do kome here, steward ! Well, the steward comes and he can't find the leak, for in the mean time I claps back the putty as snug as a bug in a rug. May be you was sick in your sleep and didn't know it, says the steward. Cot for tarn! I tell you no — it's vater, don't you see ? Or perhaps you spilt it out of the ba- sin ? Dunder and blilzen ! you plack villain, do you mockey m^, sir? what for you mean? and away goes the steward, and next day comes the carpenter, and next night comes the squirt again. He '11 go mad yet will, old * Tousand Dey vils !' see if he don't. After dinner I gets down to the other end of the table, where the old Governor can't see me, and gets lots of wine and good things, especially among the Jews. Them are the boys for champaign. I always undersT.ood they were close-fisted curmudgems that wouldn^L spend a farthing, but they tucks in the wine in great st^^le. It would do you good to see them turn- ing up the whites of their eyes and taking an observa- tion out of the bottom -a their glass. I wouldn't be a slice of ham in them fellows' way for something. They eat and drink as if they never saw food before. But coming out of the companion way in a crowd in the dark, and giving a pinch on the sly to the mulatto girl on the stairs, till she squeals again like a stuck pig and abuses the passengers for no gentlemen, and every one crying out shame, is great sport. There is a great big Irishman from Giant's Causeway that has got the cre- dit of it, and every American says it is just like an Irish blackguard that. If you 'd see the coloured ser- vants, what looks they give old Potatoe, it would do vou good. They '11 murder nim if they catch him in New York. I wouldn't be in Pat's jackei for a shilling, I know TW 1 THE GREAT WESTERN. 133 r right le Cot ! am all ard, do es and I claps Vlay be it, says s vater, the ba- do you ly goes er, and nad yet of the nd gets )ng the always ns that le wine m turn- bserva- n't be a . They B. But in the Ltto girl pig and cry one 'eat big he c re- like an red ser- 3uld do him in shilling, I Oh ! Bob, I wish you was here ; we 'd have a noble time of it if you was. As it is, Bill is so cursed soft, ant! such a coward, ho won't join in n lark, and I am friixhlcned out of my life for fear he will peach on me. I have threaton'd to cut the liver out of him if he does. I am almost afraid he has already, for the mate said to me to-day, * Come here you young sucking parson, you. If you don't g've over cutting those shines, I '11 make your breech acquainted with a bit of the haul- yards before you are many days older, I 'm beggar 'd if I don't — so mind your eye, my hearty, or you 'II catch it, I tpll you.' You will, will you? says I — you know a trick worth two of that, I 'm thmking, and if you don't there's them on board will teach it to you. So none of your half-laughs to me. I can't say I liked it tiiough, for all thet, for he looks like a fellow that would l>e as good as his word, and if I do catch it I will pay master Bill off for it when I get him ashore, I'me blowed if I don't. There is nothing 1 hate so much ns a tattler. Board ship is a fine place for old clothes; what with tar and grease and tearing, you get rid of them all in no lime. I have made all my ounday clothes old, and worn all my old ones out, so that I shall come out in a new rig at New York, as fine as examination day, and try for a long coat and french boots, if I can come round the old man. Remembering his texts and prais- ing his sermons generally does that. I think I am too big now for short jacket and trousers. Jim Brown warn't so tall as me by half an inch vhen he give their, up, though he was a year older. Besides in course a long coat has more pocket money than a confee, and servants dont treat you any longer as a child and aint afraid to trust you with a horse. Now if 1 go to smoke, every one says, look at that brat smoking, what a shame it is for the parson to let that boy use a cigar! just as if I hadnt as good a riglit as they nave, the lubbers. Oh! yes, dear Bob, I wish 12 i- Ml ■^^f' i' * 134 THE LETTER-RAO OF ■with all my heart you was here, it would make you split your sides a laughing to see how putting broke glass into boots makes fellows limp like beggars and sing out for boot Jacks, and how running pins into cushions makes the women race off screaming and scratching; but there aint so much fun when you have to do it all yourself, and no one besides to laugh with at the joke, it makes it dull sport after all. I expect I shall be caught yet, but u I am, and had up for it afore the old Governor, I will swear it was all Bill, for he deserves a hiding, the coward, for not joining in it. I am to have all holidays while I am gone except a lesson every day in Latin grammar, but I have been all over it before, so it will take no time at all to do it. When I get to New York I will write you agai' ; a; ^ let you know what sort of a place it is and ho .". Yankee girls look, and if I get my long coat out of father, I '11 have fine fun among them. I dont hke to speak to them now, for short coats looks foolish. Re- member me to all the boys and particularly to Betty housemaid and believe me dear Bob Your faithful friend, Tom Trotter. [J 1}! THE GREAT WESTERN. 135 lake you ng broke rars and pins into [ling and you have ugh with expect I »r it afore 11, for he ; in it. except a lave been 11 to do it. igai", ai ^ d ho 1 - at out of mt like to ilish. Re- y to Betty nd, ROTTER. r No. XX. LETTER FROM THE PROFESSOR OF STEAM AND ASTRONOMY, OTHERWISE CALLED THE CLERK, TO THE DIRECTORS. Gentlemen — A becoming consideration for my own char- acter in literary attainments which primarily procured for me the honour of an introduction to tiie unincor- porated board of directors of the Great Western and their unanimous election to the situation I have the pleasure to fill of principal in their academical school for scientific and nautical training of their junior offi- cers, compels me to announce most reluctantly but peremptorily and decidedly that if it is intended to initiate those young gentlemen thoroughly in their pro- fession it must be etiected on shore, and that this ma- rine seminary will inevitably sink in public estimation if kept afloat on board of the Steamer. It cannot be denied with a due regard to truth and veracity, that the young gentlemen whose minds are fitted naturally with * expansive gear,' have their astronomical and lathematical problems at what is vulgarly called their finger ends, because every thing that is approached with tarry fingers usually adheres to them pertina- ciously; but that is not the sort of accjuireinents most to be desired, nor can the calculations which are so abstruse nnd difficult be executed with accuracy and precision, where the jarring of the boat converts O'ts into 6'ss and I's into 3's, and so disfigures (if I may use ii i" %rw.} I' I! 1 1 lu 130 THE LETTEK-BAG OF lU'l 1 ||; '■ H i i^ the (jxpression) every figure that it is no longer to be recognized by the hand that traced its configuration. In the same manner a complex motion, compounded of ])itching, rolling and vibrating, is utterly destructive and subversive of certainty in taking meridianal alti- tudes, especially when to these dilliculties is ac'.ded a speed of twelve miles an hour with all steam rn and 15 revolutions. The damp and moist exhalations evolved by water, heated to 419°, pervading the interior of the lecture- room, by insinuating itself through the insterstices and crev'-^es of the ship, obliterates from the slates all tracer • I'stinctness of arithmetical and algebraical figures, before calculations ai'e terminated the pri- mary pan IS obfuscated by the occultations of steam, and by the time assiduous application has restored it, we have the same mortification arising in the other extremity. Discouraging as these difHculties unques- tionably are, they are altogether insignificant, when compared to the obstructions arising from the noises produced by the vociferous bleating of calves and sheep, the incessant lowing of cows, the acute intona- tions of swine, the cackling of poultry, the discordant voices of two hundred people, the uproar of tlie ele- ments, the noise of the ponderous macl "'lery, and the thunder of the ever-revolving wheels; amidst these numerous, complicated, and perplexing distractions, to abstract the attention and apply it to abstruse studies, is an efibrt not to be expected from juvenile minds and exuberant spirits, fnore especially, when, to learn, implies an absence of knowledge; and the very act of resorting to a professor, implies an insinuation of either overgrown ignorance to young men, or of boyish age, incompatible with manly stature, either of which suppositions is repugnant to aspiring youth, desirous to be classed among men, especially by women. There is no " indicator," that I know of, to the machinery of the mind ; and the only way of ascertaining results is, to 1 rer to be guration. ipounded 3structive anal alti- a('ded a n rii and Ijy water, 3 lecture- stices and slates all Igebraical fi the pi'i- of steam, ^stored it, the other ;s unques- nnt, when the noises alves and ite intona- liscordant 3f the ele- V, and the idst these actions, to ?o studies, minds and to learn, very act nuation of r of boyish of which lesirous to n. There chinery of esults is, to THE GREAT WESTERN". 137 apply the " Camm " of seclusion " to cut off the stroke," as it is called, and mark the advance made in relation to time and study given. A manifestation of reluc- tance, or, rather, a resistance to deferential respect, to the superior attai? nents and acquisitions of the princi- pal, is, therefore, to be expected, as much as it is to be deplored and lamented, as well as for the young gentle- man, on the one hand, as by the professor on the other ; %r it is obvious to the most superficial understanding of the directors, that, where there is no obedience, there can bo no authority; and where no progress is made in studies, there can only be a corresponding ab- sence of advancement in learnino;. Unless the mind is well stored, and constantly kept in full employment, it is apt to generate more " clinker," than any thing else. The valves require daily overhauling, and the waste ones to be " disconnected," or it is impossible to make any progress. Men, who come dripping wet from their duties, are not in a fit state for dry sciences; and, to be both officers anu boys, juvenesque senesque — com- manding on deck one moment, and obeying under deck the next, approximate as incompatible with human na- ture, and the working of the machinery of the mind. Steering in a straight line, by point of compass, as is done in a steamer, is apt to superinduce upon the va- cuum of youthful understanding, a belief, that naviga- tion is, what those young gentlemen facetiously and technically call, " all in mv eye," and that a direction once given, has only to be followed to attain the end of the voyage, by keeping the eye fixed steadily on the compass, an opinion not more unfounded and irrelevant, than unsafe and precarious, whether it regards the at- tainment of knowledge, or the discovery of the port or haven of ultimate destination. Female passengers, I may be permitted to observe, are too powerful mag- nets not to cause serious variations from duty, in the young men, and occasion them to camber, or break down in life. Studying the needle is not the most im- 12* ■};: .:. ) r.^^ 138 THE LETTER-BAG OF V [■■ I portant pursuit in the whole compass of duty that it ibrms one of its most prominent ; and I am painfully con- vinced that the cadets, who may do said to L .: in their summer solstice, are more desi''oi;t/iv solicitous about their own figures (which is the zenith of their ambition,) than mathematical ones ; and such conduct must, in- evitably, reduce them to the nadir of mere cyphers. This sort of distinction was so well known to the great lexicographer, that he has most appropriately and po- litely added it, by way of insinuation to most words, implying youthful errors — mishap — mistake — misfor- tune — misunderstanding — mischief — misled — misery — and many others. Here they are exposed more than any other place, I know of, to the blandishments of the sex ; and, I know not how it is, but I have often ob- served there is a natural, an alliterative, and, perhaps, a chemical affinity between petty olficers and petty- coats. — Dulce ridentum Lalagen amabo — Dulce Lo- quentem. Indeed, by the universal laws of motion, the amount of attraction is directly as the quantity of matter, and inversely as the squares of the distances, which shows how all-pervading it must be on board of ship. To at- tempt a coiu'se of study with young men under suclj noxious and powerful influences as female eyes, is as unwise and unsafe as for white men to attempt field- operations in the sun in the West Indies. Nothing impinges more seriously on studies; it has a tendency to make their, romantic, which in asthetics is equally at variance with the antique and chissic lore. Had the directors been vounfjer men themselves, and un- derstood the rhabilomancy of the mind as well as they do of commerce, they would have felt the impropriety of exposing their cadets to the potential miasmata of such an atmosphere of female allurements, which may very appropriately be called " the milky way of Cupid." In the descent down the inclined plane of character, induced by these causes, if good instruction V that it Lilly con- in their us about iibition,) nust, in- cyphers. he great and po- t words, — misfor- nisery — J re than Its of the )rten ob- perhaps, id petty- jjce Lo- amount tter, and h shows To at- ler such es, is as pt field- Nothing endency equally 3. Had and Un- as they ropriety liasmata s, which way of (lane of traction I THE GREAT WESTERN. 139 ofTer any resistunce, that resistance ought to increase in a high ratio with the Kpoed. Tiie motion of a train of dissipation commonly continues to be accelerated until it obtains a velocity, which produces a resistance from good principles, such as combined with the fric- tion of discipline, is equal to the gravitation down the plane. Adopting a semi-naval uniform for these youthful votaries of science, and giving them the rank and title of cadets, the insignia of an olHce, which the emulous and now awakened people of Bristol pronounce to be superior to a similar grade in Her Majesty's service ; permitting them to wear the gold lace band on the cap, and acceding to them the seducing gilt button with the emblematical letters G. W. on them, has infused too much caloric into their juv^enilc aspirations for female approbation, and they arc unwilling that such graceful and elegant young olHcers should be mistaken for disciples of a pedagogical establishment. Their pre- dilections are strong to draw a comparison in their own favour with W. S.'s of Edinboro, and there is a supercilious daring in their haughty carriage, as if, in the event of an action with the enemy, they would stand by their boiler and keep up the steam unhesitat- ingly and unremittingly, till they died. But this is not the only evil attending the progress of science in this ship, as refers to my situation as principal. There is another joint out of place, to use a familiar expression at " flange." The ollice of librarian, which has been unsolicited by me, but conferred voluntarily and hand- somely, as an honorary appointment in consequence of there being no salary attached to it, is one which is accompanied by a corresponding unsatisfactory result. So little attention is often paid to orthography in the written order of the passengers for books, that it is ap- proximate to imj)ossil)lc to comprehend what they mean, added to which for want of catalogues the de- mands are invariably for books not contained in the ■; It 140 THE LETTER-BAG OP •I IS • : I'A ^' library, whic.li leads to disappointment in the first in- stance, renewed vexation in the second, and not unfre- (juently in the third to impatience, if not impertinence. It is in vain that I deprecate explicitly, that I am an- swerable for the books only, which are placed here by the literary committee of the directors, and not for those not ordered by them, which would involve an absurdity. — The blank page at the beginning and end of each volume is invariably abstracted, which is a most singular selection, and proves the illiterate condi- tion of the passengers, for there is nothing of course to read upon it, while the outside wrapping-cover shares the same fate. Yet forsooth, these are the men who say the library is not varied and copious enough to meet the increased advancement of the age. Were it not that my anger is "blown of!*" occasionally upon the cadets, these passengers would be in danger of "an explosion" that would astonish them, for passion is " generated faster" than is safe for them by their ignorance. But, gentlemen, there is tmother subject, which deli- cacy suggests to be passed over in silence, while a due sense of the value of science, the inextinguishable debt of gratitude, owed to it by innumerable steam companies, and an appreciation of self-respect, com- pels me to a reference ; 1 mean the assignment to me of some other duties, not necessary to enumerate, but which are within the cognizance of the directors, and reduce me to the situation of an humble clerk, a name, indeed, which many people, and I am sorry to add, the captain himself sometimes applies to me, from the habit of absolute command, which he acquired in the navy. Among many, I would only notice one, namely, to stand bv and see the young gentlemen draw their water, which it appears, by the Nero-like regulations of the board, emanated from your honourable body, and is at once painful and degrading, more particu- larly, to see that water measured, and to keep cocks ^r THE GREAT WESTERN. 141 first in- :)t unfre- rtinence. am an- hore by not for '^olve an and end ch is a e condi- ourse to ir shares nen who OLlgh to Were it lly upon r of " an ission is by their ich deli- while a :uishable e steam ct, corn- it to me rate, but ors, and a name, to add, rom the !d in the namely, iw their ;ulations e body, particu- p cocks fi under locks and keys, for fear of wasting the precious liquid. The wafer caskr^, I conceive, might more pro- perly be under the charge of the culinary artist, or cook, whose occupation is more connected with the hydroscope than a learned professor. This is a subject, on which, though it is a desidei'atum to be moderate, "the connecting rods, and inner plummer-block brasses " of my temper, always " work hot," and my own rea- son is insutlicient to reduce the temperature of them, or to " keep heavy bearings cool." Such services are incompatible with the rank and station of a lecturer on astronomy and mathematics, inconsistent with the du- ties of my proper office, and derogatory from the spe- cific gravity and dignity of the liberal sciences. Under these painful circumstances, I would suggest a removal of the seminary to Clifton, where it could be enlarged, to accommodate the students of other ships, and where practical navigation could be taught in all its branches, by the aid of a few experimental trips on that sinuous and difiicult, but most beautiful of rivers, the Severn. Nothing can be done without strict discipline. Screw- ing up the nuts, detaching loose bolts, tightening the slide packings, drag-links, and other bearings of the mind or the waste valves, will let off instruction as fast as it is supplied. Should this suggestion not be accept- able, I beg leave to resign the commission I have the honour to hold from the board, after due consideration of the heavy responsibility of my position, and a full review of all the consequences immediate and ulti- mate. Should it involve any material want of confi- dence in the public, in this great steamer, or detract from the pre-eminent rank of this splendid ship in the scale of the European mercantile marine, 1 can only deplore so sad a result to the stockholders, which, that they may avert by a timely application of preparatory measures, is the ardent aspiration of your most de- voted humble servant, Peter Quadrant. r'. U2 THK LKTTER-BAG OP No. XXI. LETTER FROM MOSES LEVY TO LEVI MOSES. My deersh Frent — Veil, hear I am on pord tc Crate Weshtern shet up liksh a tog, and so shick to ma slitomac as a pompsh te live longsli lay. Vare it all comsh from I dont know, shelp mo Cot, for I cant shvvaller noting at all, and have got noting in me dat I knowsh of, and yet it comsh and comsh, as if tere was no ent to it like a sphrink, dat runsh ofer all te time, and never shtophs for roneink. Ma trowsher ish too larsh for ma, I have fell away sho, and looksh as if tey washnt made for ma, vitch is true, for I bought dem from Bill Gubbinsh, but den tey fitted rne ash well as if tey wash, and sho ma coat hanks ash loose ash a pursheres shirt on a hanfshpike, and ma tonke is all furred up vid nap, lonker den vat is on ma hat, blow ma tight if it aint. Veil den, varte am I to do, I cant shet no lonker to cards to play, den de teal, and den I am oblished to cut and rhun, and so soon ash 1 gets pack and taksh up te cartes, it comsh akain, ant I have no more time den to trow town te cartsh and off and trow upde shick. Oh, mine Cot! put tish too pad ash ever you did she, ant worsher too, it would pe petter to die ash to live longh dish way. But dat ish not de worsht, needer, for I looshes te monish, by linking more of maself dan de cartsh; and comink and goink, up ant town, backwart and forwart te whole plessed time, and no resht for min tingk to mpany as i-sickness, ce I came plans and ' buildings place and de up our his way is when you )untries as ifficult, as 3 valley of id fertility oughts of t is full of 3VGry now itly did at p that, al- en thought ems, scalp lurder the dear little children, so I have succeeded in dissuading him from going there. — Texas, they say, is a perfect paradise, and land so uncommonly cheap that you can buy a farm for the price of a new bonnet, but earth- quakes are very common, and the people so very" cruel they kill each other with bowie-knifes in the streets in open day, and so reckless that they keep singing "wel- come to your gory bed," as if it was fine sport: so we have ha»l to abandon all idea of it, as it would be mere madness to go there. The southern stales we should like very much, for the society is very good and very genteel, and the climate excellent, only a little too hot, which causes the yellow fever to rage so in summer to that degree, that the white people have to abandon it till winter, so that it can hardl}^ be said to be a desirable residence, added to which is the constant alarm of insurrection of the negroes and being hanged by mistake for an aboli- tionist. New England is a well regulated country, and free from all those objections, having more educated men and accomplished women in it, than any other place ; but they all talk gibberish, and I hardly feel equal to learning a foreign language, now that I have this little angel to watch over and take care of, and do not like to live among a people whom I do not understand. Besides, I couldn't think of poor little Bob giving up his English altogether, and talking nothing but Yankee Doodle. Canada we have had a very favourable account of, all people agreeing in saying it is a beautiful country, and very eligible to settle in, but they are not only at war among themselves and with their neighbours, but their practices are so barbarous it does not deserve the name of " a civil war " at all. A poor unfortu- nate wretch of the name of " Caroline," (I didn't hear her surname, but I am certain I am right in her chris- tian one) was lately seized on the American shore by 172 THE LETTER-BAO OF 'fl'u' li < i I ■'rii f h a compact band from Canada, dragged out of her bed at night unrigged as they call it, and just a bare pole, aod carried into the middle of the river, and set fire to, and then sent over the falls in a steamboat, screech- ing and screaming in the most awful manner. To' ' retaliate this, those who sympathised with her suffer- ings, her friends and relations came over in their turn to Canada, and seized the great Sir Robert Peel, and served him the same way, by making him take a fly- ing jib over the rapids. His visit was cut so short, they call it a "Bobstay" in derision, and to mock him they said as he was a stern man, they would treat him to a spanker, and cut him with lashings dreadfully, and chasing him about, asked him how he liked running rig- ging. He couldn't have been many days in the country, poor man, for Simson says, he is positive he saw him in the House of Commons not a month before he sailed. Then dear Simson is a member of the Church of Eng- land, and he would have no chance there, for it is con- sidered a great crime in Canada to belong to that denomination, all of whom are called "family com- pacts '* on account of bringing up their children to the same religion as themselves, as nothing will go down there, but every individual of a family going to a dif- ferent place of worship from the other. They say it looks liberal. All those who take up arms against Government are called Patriots, and all those who stand up for the Queen and Parliament, are called every bad name you can think of The loyal people frequently get their houses burnt in the night over their heads, and when the Patriots are caught doing it, the hypocrite villains say, it is a christian duty to heap coals of fire on the heads of their enemies. Then we thought seriously of New Brunswick, but that is " too near the line," they say, to live in, though how a country that is so cold, can be " on the line " I don't know. It borders on the states, the nearest one of which is Passa-my-quiddy, so named from the people THE GREAT WESTERN. 173 f her bod nre pole, et fire to, srrecch- ler. To T suffer- heir turn *eel, and ke a fly- so short, lock him rcat him ully, and ning rig- country, saw him le sailed, of Eng- t is con- to that y com- n to the ;o down o a dif- y say it against |se who called people er their it, the heap ick, but though pine" I est one people passing to cacli other (juids of tobacco, which nasty stufi' they eat ail day. One fellow points to another man's mouth, and says, " Quid est hoc ?" and the other replies in the same Yankee lingo, '* Hoc est quid," and gives it to him. The New Brunswickers who are a very loyal people, and very civil to strangers — have a great deal of trouble with these neighbours, who are all mad from living "on the line" always, and all the people of the state are called " Maine-iacs." Last winter live thoasand of these unfortunate wretches caught the "Line-ophobia," as it is called, and armed themselves, and run away howling and screaming into the midst of the woods, in the month of March, thouirh the snow was two feet deep, and fancying themselves soldiers, made a target, with the figure of our Gracious Sovereign on it, which they took for an English army and fired at ; and then they drew up a dispatch, and said they had con(|uercd the country and gained a great battle ; and Webster, who is supposed to have caught the infection, declared ancient and modern his- tory had nothing to equal this short but brilliant cam- paign. The poor creatures staid out a month in the wilder- ness in this horrid manner, and were badly frost-bitten, most of them having lost a toe or a nose, or some pro- minent part or another, with the intense cold. They could hear them yelling and blaspheming all the way to Fredericton, for they never slept in the night, but made great fires and danced the war-dance round them, like Indians, — firing ofi", every now and then, a great wooden gun hooped with iron, and making dreadful faces at the Brunswickers, and calling them bad names. One poor man took a horse with him into the forest, and put some yellow fringe on his coat which was made of a red flannel shirt, and stuck a goose's feather in his hat, and took it into his head he was a general, and carried a naked sword in his hand, with which he cut and slashed away at the hmbs of 15* i , f 11 1 li' ! ■ ^' f: ' .M U,J 174 THE LPTTER-BAG OP trees in a most furious manner, thinking they were British soldiers, and swore most awful oaths — that would make your hair stand on end — that he would give them no quarter. Then he led his men up against a saw-mill, vl:ich he took for a fort, and stormed it, — and as there was no one living in it, he fancied the garrison had fought till they had died. Webster, in his great war speech, said it was stronger than Gibraltar; and compared this poor Mainc-iac to Alexander, who, he said, had an unsoldier-like trick of carrying his head on one side; and to Julius Caesar, who got licked and Bowie-knifed at last, like any other man ; and to Napoleon, who lost in one day all he ever conquered ; and to Wellington, who just left oif fighting in time to save his character. People soken of, only you are likely to be froze up in your passage there, at a Y)\aco called Gut o( Canso, and nothing goes up or down until Spring thaws it out. The whole country is covered with snow for several months, up to your iiips, so that when the melanrjioly season comes, they say, they arc " hij)t;" and the jjcople arc so savage they make " slaying" parties on the ice, and call this barbarous cruel work, quite a diversion. They say it smells [ should !d some 5, which of such Captain e shock dvvard's icy say, md that d acres, 'ha mites all the )t seven for his reform, irnment, ry body use, and >ver the )gether ; ase, and s a fine there, jut few nothing but the 3xcused nly you re, at a uj) or country to your js, they sa vage all this ey say THE GREAT WESTERX. 177 the reason it is so cold is that it is so far east, it is a little beyond where the sun rises: an American gentleman told me so, who once went there to see it: for my part I am not so fond of ice-creams as to desire to live on an iceberg, like a seal, all winter, and should prefer a warmer countr3\ Bermuda seems, after all, a delight- ful place, where people have almost perpetual summer, only the roofs blow ofi' like straw-hats, and makes house-keeping very difficult ; and trees fly about in hur- ricanes like leaves, which must scatter families dread- fully, and must make separations that arc so sudden quite painful. The governor's name is Reid ; and he has seen so many storms there, he has written a book about them. Dear Simson, who is very witty, says he is " the Reid shaken with the wind." I wish you knew dear Simson, he is full of fun. He says that the new theory of storms is, that instead of an " avancer," it takes a " pirouette," and that the whole story of it is this : Here wo go up up up, And tliere we down down downy; Here we go backward and forward, And there we go round round roundy. The West Indies is the same, only rather too hot for clothes, and as flatulent as Bermuda ; besides which, white servants cant live there, and black ones wont work, so that you must now be slaves to yourselves, for which being your own masters is no compensation. Dear Simson says, emancipation means making black white, and white black. Then they sutler from crawl- ing things dreadfully, having to stop their ears at night with cotton wool to keep them out, ey are always on the look-out for the least opening to hide in and breed. Isn't it shocking? So that at present we haven't made up our minds where to settle, as every place has its objections to counterbalance its advan- tages. It is the same with this steamer, nothing can exceed fs Lk ^n • . n !i^ 'i i» h\ ^ l,U ■'k 1 1 ■ juti ;r K' . BB 178 THE LETTER-BAG OF its splendour, its luxury, and its comfort, but you are always in a fright about blowing up, and expect to be sent out of bed some time or another, without time to put your clothes on, into another world. The com- pany too is very genteel, having some real nobility on board, and some imitation ones, called Honourables, from the Colonies ; though the great lords are not tall men at all, and the little ones from the Provinces look and talk the biggest of the two. All this is very pleasant, and there are so many foreigners on board, it is as amusing and instructive as travelling into strange countries, only you cant understand a word they say, for they speak as many different languages as they did in the tower of Babel. Dear Simson is very kind and attentive to me, espe- cially before company, which is very agreeable and looks well ; only I wish he could bear the crying of children a little — very little better; but at night he sometimes gets out of patience, and swears he don't know what they were made for, but to break one's sleep, and destroy one's comfort. Take it altogether, it is certainly very agreeable here, and a sort of I-pity- me of the world, and amusing and instructive ; and, I must say, I enjoy myself very much, and would be quite happy, if it wasn't for fear dear Bob would tum- ble into those horrid boilers, which would make soup and Bouillie of him, as dear Simson says, before you could count ten. The very idea is shocking, I never could taste soup since. So are our plans for emigra- ting, very temping ; and the idea of being extensive land-owners, and having an estate as large as the Duke of Sutherland's, all your own, with hcr\ls of cattle, and sheep, and horses, and buffaloes, and all sorts of things, and vineyard, and wine of your own making, and wild deer that cost nothing to keej>, and only the trouble of catt-hing them, and beautiful prai- ries, (that's the name th(^y give to meadows,) so large that it takes \'ou a week to ride across them ; all this is i < t!'^ ^ I THE GREAT WESTERN". 179 you are ct to be time to be com- bility on )urables, I not tall iQS look is very 1 board, ng into a word nguages ne, espe- ible and ying of light he he don't \k one's ogether, f I-pity- ; and, I T)uld be Lild tum- kc soup "ore you I never emigra- xtensive as the crds of and all )uv own ;ep, and ful prai- so large dl this is delightful, and makes me think myself a most fortunate woman indeed, if I only knew when it was to come true, or in what part of the globe, for in none of the places I have mentioned, would I settle upon any considera- tion in the world. Dear Simson may, if he pleases, but I wont go ballooning in a hurry-cane, or be scalped by Indians, or be bowie-knifed by lynchers, or frighted out of my wits by maniacs, or frozen into a pillar of ice, like Lot's wife was into salt, or be stifled by cod- fish smells, for all the estates that ever was, or ever will be. Simson is a dear, good fellow, and I am the most fortunate of my sex, and as happy as the day is long, and will follow him with pleasure all the world over ; only, I wish he thought as I did, that England, after all, is preferable to any of these outlandish places, if people would only think so; and them that are discon- tented had better leave it, if they don't like it, and not try to make it like any thing else ; for the reason I pre- fer and love dear old England is, because there is no such place in the world, for if there were many such places, then it wouldu'i be England any longer. One thing, however, I wish to assure you, and that is, I am quite happy in the j)Ossc'ssion of dear Simson, who is an angel of a man, only a little home-sick and heart- sick, when I think of those 1 left behind, never, per- haps, to see again in this world. Ever your faithfully imd tenderly attached, Emma Simson. P. S. If my next child should be born in the States, will it be a Yankee, and spet)k that foreign language, or will it be English? I don't like to ask dear Simson, for he is the most feeling man in the world, and would go crazy at the very mention of another child. Poor dear fellow, I love him so, I wouldn't do any thing to T^ \'i\ ■M 1 -!■■? ! m^.'^ i\ i If ii 180 THE LETTEll-BAQ OP worry liim for the universe ; but some things you can't help, and this, in the midst of all my happiness, makes me miserable. No. XXVIII. LETTER FROM THE UTHOR. Gentle Reader — I cannot bring myself to pay poor a compli- ment to your taste, or my own pi-rloriance, as to en- tertain a doubt that you had no .'ooner taken up this book, than you became so interest'. •' in it, as not to lay it down until you had read it through ; nor am I less assured that you felt great regret that there was not more of it. Understanding, tolerably well, the work- ing of your mind, from a long study of the operations of my own, I venture to anticipate a very natural ques- tion you will ask, as soon as you have perused it, namely, " whether the author had any other object in view, in writing it, than merely the amusement of a leisure hour," and hasten to gratify your curiosity, by assuring you that I was most undoubtedly actuated by another, and, as you will presently see, a better motive. Had you had an opportunity of lifting the anony- mous veil under which mv diffidence finds a shelter, and circumstances had permitted me to have the hon- our and pleasure of your acquaintance, during my recent visit to Europe, you would have found that, al- though I am one of the merriest fellows of my age, to be found in any country, yet I am a great approver of the old maxim, of being " merry and wise," being, after my own fashion, a sort of laugrang philosopher, MP THE GREAT WESTERN. 161 , I ^'ou can't s, makes compli- is to en- I up this ot to lay m I less was not le work- lerations al ques- •used it, )bject in nt of a )sity, by lated by motive. anony- shelter, the hon- ing my that, al- age, to over of ' being, )sopher, and that I most indulge in that species of humour that has a moral in it. " Life in a Steamer," is fraught with it, as I shall proceed to show you ; but before I point it out, I must tell you a story, (more meo) for I find I grow somewhat rigmaroUy as I advance in years, and am more and more addicted to the narrative. While making the tour of Scotland, I spent a few days at Kelso, for the purpose of exploring the ruins of an ancient abbey, wherein are deposited the remains of the old chieftains — the Slicks of Slickvillehaugh, whose name I have the honour to bear. I don't mention this little circum- stance out of personal vanity, for I am too old for that ; and, besides, between you and me, I see nothing in an ancient Scottish descent from any rational man, to be proud of. I never read of a Scot of the olden time, notwithstanding all that Sir Walter has collected, or written on the subject, without the idea suggesting itself to my mind of a huge raw-boned, hard-leatured un- breeched savage, very poor, very proud, and very hairy. Indeed, there are good authorities at variance with him on this subject. A vest Prince Vortiger had on, Which from a naked Scot his grandsire won. Now, the obvious meaning of this passage is, that one of the prince's predecessors ran down one of these boors in the chase, skinned him, and made a garment of his hide, which he wore as a trophy of his skill and valour, in the same manner that a North American Indian decorates his person with the skin of the bear. This, however, is merely a matter of opinion, as well as a digression, and I only mention the circumstance at all, to gratify my American readers, who, though staunch republicans, are great admirers of old names, and are all in a nearer or more remote degree, allied to the first families in the peerage of Great Britain. While thus employed in enacting the part of Old Mortality, on the banks of the Tweed, I observed one morning a more than usually large assemblage of the yeomanry of the IG \ « 182 THE LETTER-BAG OF '!■ ) ,^'l^ m :i \^4 : M^i , m ii w 1 •■ v;> m-'' mu country, and upon enquiry, found it was the day of the great corn market. Ah ! says I to myself, now I shall have an opportunity of judging of the fertility of this beautiful agricultural district, by seeing its accumulated products; but you may easily imagine my surprise when, after having several times perambulated the market, I could not find a single, solitary sack of grain. I speered at the first good-natured, idle-looking fellow I saw, (I like that word, speered, it is so appropriate an expres- sion among the cattle-stealers of a border country, where a stranger was always saluted with a spear, and relieved of the care of his goods and chattels,) I speered at him the question, where have the farmers put their corn 1 After a long pause, and a broad stare of astonishment at the gross ignorance implied in the query, the fellow replied, where ! why, in their pouch, sure. Pouch! the word was new to my American ear, as new as an " almighty, everlastin frizzle of a fiz " would have been to his. Pouch ! said I — what the devil is that ? Here, said he, and putting his hand into his pocket, he produced a very small parcel of beautiful wheat, and added, we sell by sample, sir. The grower goes to his granary, and thrusting his hand promiscu- ously into the heap of corn, takes up as much as it can contain, which is called a ' sample ;' and this is sup- posed so well to represent the average quality of the entire mass, that the sale of the whole lot is effected upon the inspection of [his sample. Ah! said I, my friend, and stretching out the fingers of my right hand, until they represented the radii of a circle, I applied the thumb to the extremity of my nose, in a horizontal position, (an odd, old-fashioned custom I acquired when a boy, at Slickville, whenever I had caught a valuable hint,) ah ! said I, my friend — notch ! Did you ever see the like o' that, said the puzzled Scot, to himself, and wha is he ? A wrinkle on the horn, said I, again applying the thumb to its old signal staff', the nose, and I thank you for the hint. A wrin- ■ day of the ow I shall ily of tliis cumulated rise when, market, I I speered ' I saw, (I in expres- country, 1 a spear, battels,) I e farmers road stare ied in the eir pouch, irican ear, of a fiz " -what the hand into f beautiful le grower promiscu- i as it can lis is sup- ity of the s effected lid I, my ght hand, I applied lorizontal ired when L valuable le puzzled le on tlie Did signal A wrin- THE GREAT WESTERN. 183 kle on the horn, slowly repeated my astonished com- panion; puir body, he is daft, as sure as the world. No, my man, said I, not daft, but wiser. In America, for you must know I come from that far-off country, we ascertain the ages of our cattle by examining their horns, at the root of which, at the end of three years, there appears a small ring or wrinkle, and each suc- ceeding year is marked by another. This has given rise to a saying when a man acquires a new idea, that he has got " another wrinkle on his horn" — do you take '{ Puir thing, said he, with a look of great pity, he has gone clean daft — and he so far from home too ; has he nae friend to see till him '\ — and he turned away and left me. But, gentle reader, it was he, and not I, that was daft. He was a clown, and even a Scottish clown, as far as I could observe, is no way superior to a clown of any oiher country, — and he did not understand me> It was a wrinkle on my horn, and I have since availed myself of it. I judge of mankind by sample. One hundred and ten passengers, taken indiscriminately from the mass of their fellow beings, are a fair " ave- rage sample" of their species : the vessel that carries them is a little world, and life in a Steamer is a good sample of life in " the great world." This little com- munity is agitated by the same passions, impelled by the same feelings, and actuated by the same prejudices as a larger one. Poor human nature is the same every where. Here are the same complaints, the same rest- lessness, and the same air of perverse dissatisfaction in their letters, as we meet with on land. The analogy that these Atlantic trips display to the great voyage of life, is very striking. We are no sooner embarked, such is the speed with which we advance, than we ar- rive at our point of destination. Our course is soon run. It is the power of steam in both, and although : i| \¥ M P ill- i i 184 THE LETTKU-BAG OP the scone is varied, by calms, fair breezes, and storms, still the great machine is in continual progress. Of those with whom we set out in the voyage of life, how few do we encounter in our subse(|uent wan- derings ! The intimacy that common liopes and com- mon dangers generate, gradually subsides, and if we meet, we meet, alas ! coldly, formally, and as stran- gers. Life in a Steamer is actually teeming with a moral. Are you a politician? you may confirm or rectify your notions by observing how essential a good, effective, vigorous, business-like administration is to the safety of the ship and the comfort of the passen- gers. Are you a Christian ( you will not fail to ob- serve that in consequence of its being requested by the Directors that every passenger should attend pub- lic worship, every one does so ; from which you may perceive the advantages resulting from a union of church and state, — and when the whole community thus meets together to unite in their supplications, you cannot but see what a blessed thing it is for brethren to dwell together in unity — how immeasurably supe- rior this union is to dissent — and must admit that they who laid the foundation of your established National Church, were both wise and good men. Are you a moralist? then — but I will not pursue it. The analo- gies and inferences are too obvious to render it m os- sary for me to trace them ; but nevertheless, it is a useful and an edifying task, and I recommend you to reflect for yourself. From these remarks you will ob- serve that " Life in a Steamer" is " a leaf of" the great Book of the World, and may well be applied — " to point a moral and adorn a tale." So much for the general reader; and now a few words at parting, to my good friends, the Nova Sco- tians. I am desirous of availing myself of this op- portunity to call the attention of my countrymen, the " Blue-noses," to the importance of steam, of which they unfortunately know but little from their own ex- d storms, s. oyage of jent wan- and com- ind if we as stran- )g with a onfirm or al a good, tion is to le passen- ail to ob- uested by Ltend pub- you may union of ommunity tions, you r brethren ably supe- that they [ National re you a he analo- ' it nc os- ;s, it IS a nd you to will ob- the great lied—-" to 3w a few ova Sco- this op- men, the of which own ex- ''^HF GREAT WESTERX. 185 u perionce; of entreating them to direct their energies ralluT to internal improvement than political change; to the dcveiopmcMl of the resources of their beautil'ul, fertile, and happy colony, rather than to speculative theories of government ; and also to urge upon them, that the " responsibility" we require, is the rcspunsi- hililtj of steam. Since the discovery of America by Columbus, no- thing has occurred of so much importance to the New World, as navigating the Atlantic by steamers; and no point of the continent is likely to be benefited by it in an equal degree with Nova Scotia, which is the near- est point of land to Europe, and must always possess the earliest intelligence from the Old World. Which- ever party is in power in England, Tories or Whigs, the Government is always distinguished by the same earnest desire to patronize, as it is to protect the colo- nies, who have experienced nothing at the hands of ti)e English, but unexampled kindness, untiring forbear- ance, and unbounded liberality. The recent grant of fift\ -five thousand pounds a year, for the purpose of atlording us the advantage of a communication by steam with the mother country, which was not made grudgingly, or boast ingly, or as an experiment, but as early as it was propc '»r safe for it to be done, and as frcelv as it was kind, bestow* 1, leaves u^ in doubt whether most to admire the munificence of llic gift, or the power and wealth of the donors. No country, that is kept in a continual state of agitation, can either be a happy or a flour shing one; and it is our peculiai good fortune that with us agitation is unnc essary. If there should be any littl<; chaij.'cs required from time to time, in our limited political sphere, (and such occa- sions sometimes do, and always will occur in the pro- gress of our growth,) a temperate and proper represent- ation will fiivwrs produce them, from the predominani party of th(- da v, whatever it may be, if it can only be demonstrattd that they arc wise or necessary changes. 10* s^rvj .•^^1 v^.";<^> <>„ IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) 1.0 I.I »- IIIIM (50 ~ •H IIIIM I: ii^ IIM Z2 1.8 1.25 1.4 1.6 .« 6" — ► %. ip /a /a VI e". '% C5 / M Photographic Sciences Corporation 23 WEST M> >! S^TEP? WEBSTER, N.Y. 1-iit,i; (716) 872-4503 c* W M/-^ ^ m^.- 186 THE LETTER-BAG OF It is the inclination as well as the interest of Great Britain so to do ; and whoever holds out any doubts on this subject, or proclaims the mild, conciliatory, and parental sway of the imperial government, " a baneful domination," is no friend to Nova Scotia, or British connexion, and should be considered as either an igno- rant or a designing man. Canada has become so bur- thensome an appendage of the British empire, from the intrigues of discontented men, that many of our friends on the other side of the water, doubt whether if s worth holding at such en enormous expense. Op- pressed we never have been — coerced we never will be. Every thing has been done, that is either just or reasonable, or liberal, for us. We always have been, and still continue to be, the most favoured people in the British empire. Let us show ourselves worthy of such treatment, by exhibiting our gratitude, and sus- tain the reputation we have hitherto borne, of being the most tranquil and loyal Colony in North America. Let us not be too importunate for change, or we may receive ihe very proper, but to many, the very unex- Eected answer — " Govern yourselves : you appear to e so difficult to please, so determined not to be satis- fied, that we give up the attempt in despair. You are independent." This is no improbable event — no ideal danger — no idle fear. I regret to say, that such a course has already numerous and powerful advo- cates in England, and is daily gaining ground even among our best friends, and staunchest supporters. They are wearied out with unfounded complaints, with restless, unceasing cravings for change, and their own repeated, but ineftectual attempts to give satisfaction. They say, they see no alternative left but coercion, which they will not resort to, or "cutting the tow- rope," and casting us adrift. No true friend to his country can contemplate such an event as a dissolu- tion of British connexion, without the severest regret, the deepest remorse, the most painful apprehensions. THE GREAT WESTERN. 187 )f Great y doubts tory, and 1 baneful r British an igno- e so bur- from the ir friends iher it 's ise. Op- lever will er just or . ive been, pie in the orthy of and sus- of being America, we may ry unex- ippear to be satis- air. You !vent — no that such ful advo- und even upporters. lints, with tlicir own tisfaction. coercion, the tow- nd to his a dissolu- 3st regret, snsions. The withdrawal of the army and navy from Halifax ; the striking of the flag of Old England on the Citadel Hill ; and the last parting salute of our old friends, as they left our shores for ever, would be the most mourn- ful spectacle, and the severest infliction, that an aveng- ing Providence has in store for us. It would be a day of general gloom, and universal lamentation. All men of property and reputation — all persons of true British feeling — every man in a situation to do so, would leave us ; and capital, credit and character would follow in the train. We should be inundated with needy adven- turers, unprincipled speculators, loafers, sympathisers, and Lynchers, the refuse of America and Europe ; and this once happy, too happy country would become an easy prey to civil dissension, like the petty states of South America, or to the rapacity of foreign adven- turers like the Texans. That such a measure of retributive justice is in store for us (should the infectious agitation of Canada unhap- pily reach us), no man who has visited Great Britain and mingled freely and extensively with its people as 1 have done, can entertain a doubt. Wherever I went and with whomsoever I conversed, the opinion constantly met me : " It would be better for us if we were separated — you never will be contented to remain as colonists, you are causing us a greater expenditure than we can aflbrd — we cannot support two Irelands — it is time to give you your independence.''^ — This book, whatever its reception may be, will at least circulate among all my personal friends in England, which is the best evi- dence I can give you of my conviction of the existence of this feeling ; for by proclaiming it in the presence of those by whom I assert that it is entertained, I af- ford them an opportunity of repudiating it, if unfound- ed. Let us not therefore be led astray by any of those theories, however plausible and captivating they may ai)pear to be, tiiat are now advocated with such in- temperate heat in Canada. Nova Scotia never was in w. 188 THB LfiTTER-BAO OF SO flourishing a condition as it is at present. Its trade is enlarging, its agriculture improving, and its popula- tion increasing most rapidly, while the character of its merchants for honourable and upright dealing stands higher than that of any other community on the whole American continent. — Politics unfortunately engrosses too much attention every where to the exclusion of many indispensable duties. Party-men are apt to mag- nify its importance for their own purposes, and to ex- tol it as a panacea for all the ills of life ; but experi- ence teaches us that the happiness of every country depends upon the character of its people, rather than the form of its government. — Why? asks the philoso- phical Goldsmith, after an attentive examination of many of the European states, " Why have I stray'd from pleasure and repose, To seek a good each government bestows ! How small of all that human hearts endure, That part which laws and kings can cause or cure !" Let US keep out of the vortex of political excitement, learn how to value the blessings we enjoy, and study how we can best promote the internal communications and develope the resources of our native land. The time has now come when the great American and colonial route of travelling must commence or terminate at Halifax. On the importance of this to Nova Scotia it is unnecessary for me to expatiate, as it speaks for it^^^If, in a language too plain and in- telligible to be misunderstood; but these advantages we can neither fully enjoy, nor long retain, without a "mi7-roarf" from Halifax to Windsor. It is now no longer a matter of doubt or of choice, circumstances have forced it upon us. We owe it to the liberaUty of the British government, to make all those arrange- ments that sliall give full effect to the noble scale upon which they have undertaken the Atlantic steam-naviga- tion. We owe it to New Brunswick and Canada to complete our portion of the great intercolonial line, y Its trade s popula- 3ter of its )g stands :he whole engrosses lusion of t to mag- id to ex- ut experi- f country ther than J philoso- lation of lure!" . citement, nd study nications ■ Lmerican lence or this to xpatiate, and in- vantages ithout a now no nstances iberality a r range- ale upon -naviga- nada to lial line, t THE GREAT WESTERN. 189 and above all we owe it to ourselves not to be behind every other country in appreciating and adopting those great improvements, which distinguish the present age. And now, gentle reader, it is time for me to make my bow as well as my sea-legs will allow me, and re- tire. In doing so, permit me to express a wish that your voyage of life may be the very opposite of that of a steamer, in point of duration, and resemble it as nearly as possible in the one grand essential, namely in making the best use of your time. I have the honour to be. Your most obedient servant, The Author. THE END. %