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To the Hapy Man that aint Got but One Chile & Him .-wedup.andDoinuva«oodBiznisina FurDistuntLan',wharhelin' uv klothoa— it takes nuf dry goods to set up a firm uv twinaea ua to stok a good aize Brod at. sto— and you've got loopin u milk d-po and free bodin houa on the spot, lookin' fur yo' pay ia a nuther and a be;ter worl'. Becoz twinaea liaa but vage id es uv settling bills. Many winimin arrives at yo' nianaliun, and thar la much niiratin. The po' men fur aevrul bloks aroun' gelhera on tlie corndera uv the strecta and wundera to eche utlier if twinaey ia keict in' like mezila and cliicken pok. Thar minds is onesy. They goes to Pothekerries to git sum intincu' agintlie thini^s. But taint no use, no manner uv use. Kwinine nor brimstone nor kcrosiv sublimit, nor nuthin' kuowd to man can'i kci-p um off. Twinaea is misteyus things, and thar is no akoantin' fur um one way nor the uther. Hew Biar, the Druggcr, can't put up nuthin' to fend umolt", nor Tom Doswell.with all hia expe- yunse, can'tiujluu'e un\. If tkey ar a cumin, they ar a cumin, and if they aint a cumin all creaaliun cant hiirry um up. Twinaea is the most obstinit and opinyunated kattil I know. Thar ia a n\ilhcr misteyus thing 'bout twinaea. 'I'liem that wantaum cant have um -thar is men in this vale uv dadshiinness and limitid spon- dulix that never duz ketch up witli what they is running arftei', no matter what they do -and them that don: want um, and kin liardly turn thout treddin on cliildun. has um shure. Here they come a hoopin and holrin. Now mo and Tom Cuckportrik la the very pattim uv men for twinses, was cut and dride you may say to be frttliera uv twinses, but unrv a tvin have cum these 30 yeer, tho' we have been d; in fur uni. On tlie uther hand, look at Meekins ; uv all and uv all Immins ! Meekins— but mo' anon. No ; twinses is misteyus. I o tlie rich Uian cbildun cum one at a time, like balls down thotroftuv a tenpin alley, but to the po man they cxxms •• 2 by a. Like the eliflnt and the kaugeroo." i Twinses is like the pistunis or the walking beam uv aslenibtote— when you lays one down you takes the uteeroiie up, and when tiiey Ijoth opiua their skapcpiptB and aquallu at the same time, why letting otf steme is Quaker meeiin to t, F'yar well, vane worl', I'm a gwine home. No you aint— you're a gwine to 'ten to them twintes, 'ten to nuthin but them if you don't want the houa to cum down ; and » plczant time you'll hare uv it. You may talk to me 'bout Gypehun boi?dii;e. but a muther at ded uv nite wraatlin with two bawlin Bquallin twinses, one holrin to see :f his holrin aint louder holrin than the holrin uv the uther one holrin— a motlior endurin uv tliai uondigo slurs my sympatiiies mor'n tho (iypchuna and Izralites coniiiined. A quaro thing is that the man gits all the kre- dit fur twinses, while the woman, that has ten thousand tirtiea a heap tho hardeat tiem, don't git nun. Folks is inclined to blame her and tell nor •' no mo uv that, now.' But the man puta on hia hat and walks 4th with a ar uv modist pride, like the man that chawed the ho'ns oflT'n a steer fur a bet. *' I don't take no kredil fur this, " he kinder seems to say. " ] reely don't, but still I want to gel the krealt all the SHme. 'Taint everybody lias twinses, and then la umbil 'bout it like me." And they tell me thar is wimmin that actilly is envus and jellus uv wimniin that has twinses, and wood fain git the reaipe if that waa one. Well, thar is childun that brags 'bout, belnjf sicker than uther childun, audits a twisted sort of a worl' we live in enyway, I do.i't onderstan t no way —nor I don't ever hope to. It gits me— got me long ago. The last obzurvashun I got to make 'bout twinaea ar this : 'J he kin do more kryin to the minit and kive a aquar inch quicker and thicker wltli brawl and aouawl than any uther livin thing excep; a Lincnburg ockshuneer uv lugs. I hcse few remox is drord 4th by Meekins. Uv all and uv a// but I'm a cumin to that dreckly. Peter Meekins is my naber- our back lots jines. He Is tho wevil-eatinest man I know, i^ome- thin is always the matter willi his durn lung, and from gum-biles to corna thar aint nuthiiro ° that he don't have and keep on bavin it. Dia- -^o Eepsy is his slanby, and when he aint got that e fills up the chinx with dipthery. He can't barly v.alk, becoz he's got the f urtogo. Things won t gee with him, so ne is alwaya in a slate uv wo.^.Uv all and uv alt, he talcea "a mekan«o, koly view. This worl'looks to him like a mixtor»°°°, uv misry, blucin and lamii-black. Uv all li.u- ^ oq mins ! 1 kinnot undcrstan it. Thar ; int i1)o*'PoC^ , enuf UT him to make a do mat, he is very =* shucky and uliaky, and is frazilod out dt ojts ^' '= edgis into sumthin that answers as hed,«aKui8°'f -J and legs. Now uv and uv all humin beins''"-!*^ who should hav twinses but this same Meekins: "•'^'^ o o O w. Its a fac, by gum ! and you know. 1 aint' fetch heered it. lust knox mo .down- breth good Bince i •*v~,' MEEKINS'S TWINSES. I My wife miiat have told me, but my mind have bin fo O' k'iplwl with politix that 1 dlsre-, nienibert'd it till tlie uther day when I nio'i^ him on tlie Btrete. He were very sadd. Hin chin wiKKled and hia nose wobbled, ho were no very saaa. "In the name of mizry," says I, " Meeliins, what's the matter ? " " Ah I" he says, ^n-oanin, and the water tfath- ered in his eyes. "How is your drotted tung, now?" I says. "Taint that," say ho, and tho tsers cum rollin down his holler cheex, and ids nose trim- bled. ** Toll me, toll mo qtiick," I says ; " 1 feel so sorry fur you, and I want to do siimthin fur you rite away. " Well," ho says, in a vols that went to my very hart, "I were- I were took down with the twinsis 'bouts month rro, and bin very lo ever sinsc." "What!" I ixciuimed, "youl iiv all and uv all, you ffottwinses? Giv me yo' han !" and I {frabed him to konKratulate him. But 1 heered sunithin like krokry crackin in- side uv hitn, and feerin he would cum to peeces in my han, I let him ko. "Yes," he says, " inev has lit down on me in my ole ago, ani they is nevy." And he weept. " Well, well, well !" I says, " Uv all and uv all —this beats bobtail. Gearls ov coraeJ" " No," he says, sorrowful, "two uv as fine a boy as ever swoUered catnip." And yon cryin about that I" aays I. " Two nussea," he says, " two kribs, two sets uv— uv— uv everything -two ." And he ) - Hobbd— he actllly aid. ^ " Cheer up, my lively lad" (mucli lively 'bout • him), " cheer up," I aays. «V Qs^ But he wood'n cheer a bit. ,• • 4^ " Two baby carriaRPS, two par uv shoos, two •7i soots uv kiothes, too everything, too much! too , "^^ mueh ! too much !" And he farly boohood. . ©cP* -Says I, " Meekins, fur goodness sake don't i*oC^ giv way so— you'll bust the breechin uv yo very ]8oul if you kepe on that a way." Bift he kep on, and throwing his face down jtuloJiis hands, said in a pashun of teers, ' Dubil tile and dubil trubil. °0^ fy^i< Children bile and babia bubbil.' ik lokin Stan a good deel, but my temper giv way JC Jl^ls. Says I, "Ycu infurnil old son uv a ^pensjl^eny, if you don't stop howiin hero in t"hi»c|!brete in brord day lite 'bout nut in but He»^;^tw4n^e8, I'll ketch yo)i by the nap uv yo nek, >;-^. esflflig yoB iiito the middil uv Mills's garding, and leave you thar a mass uv ffln'bat itvts'with ► •Sffhisi Jtopt him " tlfls °ar ao wori , , Jfjl^uimiick and .( l^o ^ brooches jspockit fragmints fur boys to "Ah!" he sayn, "ah! nv much wind on the skeersly nuthiu in the And with that he f ,rc,Vb^8fiuflle*off his mortulikile in the drcckshun «v ,»\i°^o<>Si£ own house. , I w^pnt to mine madd— ;^^r"fr^madd with" a doub'l"d. ' And I says to my 'i';^ wi'f e.f^ • « . o *%\ i' IMdtyoujMiow old Meekins had twinsos?" - -*4'oKno^ it r she says, " didn't I tell you the er?;^d1^y J,hey \^a8 borned°?,' "''May be ypit moot." Isays, "butmymind hav .^^Uiirs^.gji'inmd and glude up with politix and vR.etum'ih 'Bodes ,that ' ^-yoti ^ored me every tiem you returned :.,.,'.,hoiJii^till- ^I ^isht them bodes, as you call ura, ofvwa8"Haild°ovi3r your mouth." '• v^V .WqU. " I says " what doo you think uv itr ^ '-j-^' .That w:erd tlie wrongest questun that ever I ''^'>- : alvcd in a)l my life^ It let down the tale-bode uv ;.''.'l;{'ers'riaterally lorge tumler cart uv elloquense, . , 'au'ds)il'drownded me then and thar. fe'vN«.' " Think uv itr Bhoskreakt. "Think uv It 1 Its the outmgeousest owdashusest peoce uv im- nertinunci^ that's bin puppotraied in my naber- nood in 4U odd year. It's a sin and a shame and a shockin ovcrwhelndn skandil lliat pepii pr»- tendin to bcdoHenl shood act in that way. Gen- Wm] pcpil, like sum I know, don't hav no twinses they've Lcot more regard for sersioty than to huv um. Hu I know these Mewkinses uv old. Tliiy hud um a puppus -a puppus" stompin her foot and drappin her nittin— "je«t to git into iiotis find to git irood things to aat. And mo things has cum to the Meekins since them twinses was horned than I got pashunce to toll about. Br. ad, cake, pics, puddins. break- fast.^, dinners, appils, oranges, prunes, dux, pot- ridgcs, Malk'i^y grapes -thar is oid Meekins a eatln sum this very minit ." Shure nuf, thar was old Meekins settin by his selliir dore a doin sum of the dolefnlest chawin you ever see. " Yes," she went on, "Its a delibrit, depe-lado plan to git notyricty and rise in sersioty. But they couldn deseev me,— no ! I never enconr- ag( d twinses, an'l never will. They gits no custard and thin biskit from this house, nor they never wont." And then her words duv- talcd and run into one ntith r that fast that I couldn ttko out nnthin she said— nuthin but "Jib jib jib jib jab jab-jibjab jibiab jibjab jibber jabber jibber jabber jibber jabbir— whing whang fing fang bing bang ding dang ling lang ping pang ting tang ring rang -r-r-r-r— attertatterclatterspTatter ! Whew ! I had heerd uv a heated turm, but here was a heated lurmigint uv the wust kind with a venjunce. Jodge ! she jest did leeve me the top uv my bed, and that were all. I were thankrul fur that, becoz I see how it were in a tlash -the old 'oman were black mad with jel- lus envy uv the po' littil nflHicted Mrs, Meekms, a good a woman as her husband is no count. Iriz. ".Maduni!" says I, drawin' myself up to my fool hight, " Madum : " I says in tones uv sope- suds and thunder: "Madum! taint no use, no erthly use. 1 ain't A berham," and stoopin down and pokin my face into hern, " no7' you ain't Saiy, neither. So shot rite up ! " She's 50 last grass if she's a day, and got Irish bind in her too, but she didn't even open her lips. She snilft me doAvn with kontempt anvi konsintrated venum that druv me spat g out'n the hous. and 1 foun myself in the back poche, holrin' at the pitch, tar. and turkentine uv my vols, " gimme ar ! gimme ar! fur mersy's sake gimme ar ! " fur I were necrly ded, that whurl- wind of Words had tuk my breth away so. Old , Meekins's cook, Lizer, a likely woman , cum outn the kitchen to see what were the matter. I reckon she thot I were distrackted, but old Meekins didn even turn his hed, he were sp bizzy with his Mallegy grapes. My son Floojin , my yungest child, Tjout nine yere oid goin on ten, and a good boy, tho' I say it 'loojms had heerd his muther what she said, and folrin' me into the back poche, want down the steps, sayin as he went by : " Doggon my skin of katsl I'll fix him." With that he begun huntin round the yard till he diskivered a rusty old padlock, and takin good aim at Meekins, he let fly, and by th» Iivins ! he prestovetoort him olT'n the face of the earth. He jest blotted hlra rite out. Thar wer« the cheer he set in, thar were his hat and sum few skatrin grapes, but Meekins was nowhar. Floojins had wiped him into thin ar. I stood < eff and dum with astonishment, for Wyraan hisself never played a trick equl to that. But bimeby, ten minits by tho wotch, her» cum old Meekins out uv the •ellar, a site to mo broi ltw| tiU old dint hoii tI Idil ^ bi we| is I skd atl cui II it MEEKINS'S TVVINSES. - a conKlobprashun iiv bind, tcere, har, eye- brows, HKin and i.Tapo juint, fearful to hotiolo. It were horriblo, oui it wore funny tiM). I laffi till I neerly dide, and Lizor cum out, touk the old man t.u the hrdrant, wo hi him off with a dish raK> and led him alow and pan^ful into the hOUB. This brot me to my senBeH, and Hhamcd me ho Ididn know what to do. So I looltt down in tho yard to find FloojinB. Nary Floojins did I find. Bat prosently I Bocn liim in MillSH Karding he bad Kono thar tocontiiiunu with bin own little innerBentand conllden self. I put on my hat, went over to whar Mr. Bowers, the Hiove man. iBa bildin sum houscH, jfethored me a pooce uv skautlin, and lit into that KlooJinHtill ou would a thot the ('hesapoek & Ohier fralo trane wan a oammln in on tiom and a howlin. It dim mo Kooil, and it dun the boy «ood, but {t didn't belt) iVioekinH. He lost eiiuf Hkelp to < kiror a trab-ball, and I fool bo Horry fer him. I'mo u Koin to take ui) a HubBkripHhun uv ca' Hkii. to mend )t. Dr. koleman buvh the old man will be wut in a week if the urroHi|ieluM do'nt Bel in, and hiHtuntc don't Kit sore aKiu. Hut I'm not a k{olii to l)ed till I do what's rito by po' old MeekinH I've reeebi a Kood old a^e, have travllcd fur and wide, have eat a beep, bin to North Kiliny, livd in Am'erHt, seen mueh and dun mony thinen, but Meekinn bavin twinBeH lays over cyptniuK that ever hapined in my time. Its the ivent of the nuc. Uv all and uv all. MeokinH ! TwinaeB ! I don't onderstan it. My lite on the Hubj