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Mapa. plataa, charts, stc.. may ba filmad at diff arant radueiion ratioa. Thoaa too larga to ba antiraiy ineludad in ona axpoaura ara filmad baginning in the uppar laft hand comar. laft to right and top to bottom, aa many framaa aa raqulrad. Tha following diagrama iiiuatrata tha method: Laa cartaa. pianchaa. tableaux, ate, pauvent *trc film4a i das taux da reduction diffirants. Loraquc ki document eet trop grand pour *tra reproduit en un saui ciichA. il sst film* i pa< tir da I'angta supMeur gauche, de gauche k droite. et de haut m% bee. an prsnant la nombra d'Imegee n^ceasaira. Laa diagrammee suivants iliustrant la m4thoda. 1 2 3 1 2 3 4 5 6 'J 'm /4 4^ # i.Maan||Q|ni« V (i^ — 9-^^fm ^— — ^ -^mi*' * ^'^ *v. -1 PRIi:E, % TWENTY+CENTS, ^ Ifi '•:?5^ -<«f- -^. .-♦ ^^#^ — •■ ■ CHATHAM ; "IM.ANKT" HTKAM IBINTINU HOUSE, KINO STREET WEUT. 18 8 1. i CONTENTS. Chapter I. Introduction of Mr. P. to those who shake hands with his August Majesty PAOR. • • • • ClfAPTER II. Mr. P's great preparations for Le Orande Reception Chapter III. Thrilling Recitation, with Gesticulatory Illustrations Chapter IV Grand tSkating Carnival — Hero — solus Chapter V. A horse, and wjiat it didn't do Chapter VL Amarantliy and Jinks eii rapyort • * • • • • • » • • • • * • t Chapter VII. Startling Adventure — Three Weeks and Nine Days in a Snake'a Interior 11 15 20 23 29 • • t • t • 33 i Chapter VIII. t'Orrespond to Chai)tor I. of Vol. No. 2 • • • • • • « Ti wi ai\ DEDICATION. To The man who carries his Iiead under his arm, who smiles sereiieli/ when fie feeh sad, loho laiighs a wild, " short " laugh at stern adversity and puts him to tJie blush, this little book is deservedly dedicated. :e'e,e:f'.a.ce. [T is perhaps not the highest aim of man to endeavor to furnisli merriment for others. Yet among so very many different works per- taining to Theology, Science and Politics, a pamphlet touching on the humorous side of life, will serve as spice and moisture to the vast pile of dry and unpalatable productions, which load down the shelves of our •libraries and which are often found so very hard to digest. We are told that " A little nonsense now and then, Is relished by the best of men;" and since the bestoi men ("other things, ets.") generally enjoy the best works, the sentiment contained in this little book should not be scouted. The following pages contain nothing that is immoral, but have a strong tendency to the opposite; for the reader, we hope, will participate pleasure in the matter contained, and will feel cheerful and thankful to the Great Giver, that he is an individuality — an iota in the great universal make-up. With these few remarks we place our petit livre at the mercy of the tide of conflicting emotions which, we trust, will thoroughly tumble it and finally project it upon the shore of Reception for the benefit of the inhabitants. Thus will matter become, as it should, subject to mind, and the latter will be strengthened and thereby benefitted in being the recipient. THE AUTHOR. 'OUR S^WELL." ^ CHAPTER I. PROLOGUE. 'OU all know him. It could not be otherwise ; for anyone who know« what township he lives in, has, ere this, heard considerable in reier- enoTto '• Our Swell." He affords a beautiful type as an example to illustrate the diversities of sentiment inherent in the mind. He is at times so affable, that the "Fair Ones" grow estatic over him ; but this happy state is not pt^rmanent, and when he gets otherwise, beware of him. We have known him become so dangeroas that the birds of the air would shun his company, and the fishes of tlie 8t» would hide from his awful presence. Now, my readers, we assure you thatr you have all seen this species of humanity in (juestion ; nevertheless, we oaii- not give his name, as we might become liable for " saying something^ alMiut said individual, therefore we must assign a fictitious name ; but as yoti will readily comprehend who is meant, this will make no matt^ial differry pleasing spectade to his lady friends ; but snmeness tires tlie eye and mind, and lie assumed this position so frecjuently that the Fair Ones grew tired of the circus, for it was (extremely (>nd)arassing to conv(;rse wlien he was in this position. He often (endeavored to pnnail on the ladies to follow his example, but either throughfear of plnasing him too well, or of exciting his envy by (Excelling in the art, they v.-ry gracefully decliiu'd. Our Swell is also proficient in hgerdemain. He can perform very i)eculiar feats, that is, at times. H.; is frecpiently noni)lussed to obtain the desired result, but he thinks of the spider and tries again. Ht^ is troubled with a most painful disease while in con.pany, and the cotisequences are .sonuitimes very tlire ; this disease is a reddening, that is, a nuintled flush suflu.ses his alabast(.r che(>k and 1 b.'comes like unto molten lava. We do not mean to say Uiat he is extn>mely sensitive, for he has been known to laugh for seventeen long hours because other laughed. He has a bad memory, and he thought he hml said pcM-haps something funny and the company wer*? on the jwhit of exploding at his witty remark. Nevertheh-ss, he very often r-ddened _.I A I..' _ len tiiiiigr, niatc^rial wont wrong, 8uuh oyHters or a can of treacle over hia alabaster I as the ups«'tting of a bucket of 'orm, aiul perforating hi.-^ neat- OUR SWELL. 11 ly-fitting clothes. He is a most exquisite dancer, at least, one of his part- ners remarked that he had stepped only seventeen times upon her train, and but thirteen and a half times on her pedal extremities. He is often in a dilemma of the most embarassing nature, and we shall endeavor to relate some of the occurrences in this report. We havd been careful to obtain the pure facts, and if the biography be not created by ek)que:..t expressions, we are certain of good authenticity. CHAPTER II. DILEMMA THE ONE. N most cases a story has a hero, and this most important feature has also a name. Now do you suppose our hero has no name 1 if so, you are the most deluded 2)orson on record, and I sincerely pity you. Allow me then to make the important announcement that our hero lia.s a name ; yea, verily, a real tangible name, received it at an eaily age. When only twelveteen glowing summera had cast their halos round his betmiing bi-ow, he was Christened - actually at that early age. You will now wish to know the name of the gallant. Now, my dear reader, if you are a girl, and my good fellow, if a boy, I really cannot give you the true name, for then ho would have good grounds to enter an action against me for libel, and per- haps get an "Attachment" cm this very valuable book. Undin" these very peculiaily embarassiiig circumstances we will (uideavor to find him a name. J)odds, for instance- no, that's not aristocratic ; Washington - )io, that won't do, for I have heard that the tree he choj)ped down was ingeniously suspended l>y ])lacing a magnet seventeen mih^s in the air from the gaze of Sceptics, the tree was then studded with needles, and the chain of attraction thus kc^pt the tree on its stump. All w»Mit well till the time came for the all Hsion ; beautifully fininhed entln nerHuader coneealHd in coat h1«hvh ! liov Hniieiiiir linrtii^iiw* Jn r»(>l^h>uii g' per! Ifiiieiiiir linrtiriii _ j„j manner to the music of '• untiring gallop ;" exit boy ; bill dowti town 1$127.- 13^ ; tree, uetnllus and magnet. Moral : N;»ver practice deoeptiou. 12 OUR SWELL. DILEMMA THE TWO. No, Washington won't do. It would not be justice to the great father of his countr). Wellington I fear would scarcely be suitable as Our Swell has been known to exhibit a sense of dejection when danger menaced his stalwart form. Taking all these things into consideration, we think we will call him Phule-Jinks Phule. Mr. Phule once received an invitation to dine out the following day. Of course he decided to go. The invitation came from Mr. and Mrs. Landor. The remainder of the day was occupied in preparations. Now Mr. Phule had never in his eventful life had a mower pass over the undulating part of his face. But on the day in question he secured a powerful microscope, and after an hour and sixty-one minutes' ex- amination he considered that he had better * shave." Now, although this was something entirely new to him, he nevertheless set to work energetically. He obtained a mirror— a strong one—and a new hollow-ground razor, which he sharpened on his leathern, calf-skin cowhide shoes, till he deemed it competent to perform its part Yet he was doubtful, and having heard that the best test was to " cut a hair," he accordingly ran his fingers through his hair to secure the object sought. But he had only the pre- ceding day becm clipped closely, and consequently he could not get one suitable. He therefore Meat for the dog, and after following him around for some time he made a fearful grab and succeeded in raising canine anger. The persecuted dog reciprocated the intended courtesy by gently and lovingly inil)(,d(Hng his ivory teeth in the calf of the scientist's leg. But that individual untiring in his pursuit of whatever he had in view, was not discouraged. He coaxed up the dog by playing with him a time and then proinissing to give him some meat for his next Christmas dinner. The (log finally cooled down and allowed himself to be bestraddled by the enthusiast, who oonnnciieed sawiug away at the dogs coat, holding one end of the hair in his iimnus. H,. was on th.> point of coming to the con- i'lusion that liis razor would be elHcient, when the dog gave a slight lurch and tlu^ polish.Hl steel made a gentle dive uito the back of tiie unfortunate dog. Preserver us from a similar sight (note the alliteration.) At Hrst the dog was uncertain how to act. H(* howled, stood on two legs, barked and finally eoncluded to einbraee liis firui friend. He therefori' nmdr: a graceful bound and planted his nails in Mr. Phule's shoulder by way of salutation, and tlum he very affectionately placed l.of h arms an.und his neck and conJ OUR SWELL. 13 menced rummaging over his face in a way not reiished by Mr. Phule. That gentleman, though loath to quit the cheerful scene, remembered that he must shave, and he therefore made an airy and somewhat hasty retreat, to the extreme chagrin of the loving dog. Having regained his sanctum he commenced operations. He first washed his face, and then taking a peice of solidified lye he began rubbing it vigorously upon the undulating land- scape. He succeeded in securing a consistency of half an inch, and he then seized the razor and made a gentle pass. The result was that the soap was scraped off very nicely. He became bolder and made a grand pass. Now the razor was very sharp, and he was not aware that he was slightly under- mining his cutis vera. He thought the operation was accompanied by slight pain but he did not mind that. Constancy and strength was his mc .to. He worked away laboriously for twenty-three minutes and sixty-four seconds, and then thinking the work completed he ceased. He washed his face carefully, and under the impression that he looked 103^ per cent, better, he calmly went down stairs for inspection. His big sister gazed at him a moment in awful suspense and then sat down sobbing hysterically. Mr. Phule was somewhat startled and inquired if she were ill. " No, but you will be before twenty-four hours," she said ii). broken accents. " There's that awful chickenpox coming out all over your face. Aunt Jemima told me but yesterday it was raging, and there you have gone and got it, and perhaps I'll ci^tch it, and Jerry won't think I'm good looking any more ; 1 don't care, I think you'r real mean, now there." Another fit of hysterics, which brought out the " governor." " What's the matter with you. Jinks," he exclaimed. " You've bet>n fighting with some one. Don't deny it, you know you have ; but you got the worst of it, I reckon." The old lady then entered and lifted up her eyes and wept ; yea, wept bitter tears of anguish at the sad spectacle. Jinks then thought perhaps Bomething was the matter, and he then ran upstairs to investigate. He recoiled from the glass as though he had seen a ghost. He said there must V)e sometliing wrong with the glass and so he consultwl another one. This presented to hin? a still more frightful appearance, and he concluded that the family wer . .t suffering, as he had at first supposed, from an optical delusion. He took now a close survey and ascertained that there were quite a goodly number of gashes discernible jni his face, which face much resenibled a boiUnl Iwet Then he tore around like mad for the next half hour, and 14 OUR SWELL. Ills wound up by throwing his razor out of the window Now a 4/1 ., ^ cow. which was standing outside, saw the article aid conirderint thatTh wasap,,i„„,„,_„,^,„„ „, ^ whiskedTe: : Lt"r:' up th enc^ed ™.or. Down it went and stopped there til. night. Th tow hen l,ke other cows, began chewing her cud. She had not done tWsZ h last fourteen weeks as she had nothing to chew. As the cow w Iblt the ra.or around „, her capacious throat extremity the casing becale ^ moved and the cruel cold steel entered herthroatfor thepurpose of gou!i" a hole to see how things were getting along outside. Thi., wa' not alC^ ptesant to the noble cow. She became very weak and 111 f 1 ^na .imly expired In the meantime the hols td Zl'^^^^JZ Mr. Phule must soon present himself at the home of the J ..,Jr.' T young lady friend was visiting He therefore w ":':tH\t^^^ passed by the mir.r, and his w.th waxed stronger whe hi "eli: thai his face was becoming more inflamed. Perccned that DILEMMA THE THREE His loving mother then bethought herself th.. cream was a very efficient remedy for ren.ovmg inflamation. She therefore obtained a ImZI proce«lea to bathe the afflicted ,«rts with that tendernes, found ?, anxious mother. She wept te.a,s of plentitude as r^:^'ZZl woful countenance. Oh, picture of Pictures i T!,ink ofTf . Imagine that poor en.aciated figure of the ynuli 1 i ^' """^'■"''' ' centre of the H,., his a.eetiolte mo r^ 1 r:,:;':,.:''':'^ '" '"» man,' crieTi, Unsth (piite discernible, sides heaving, general queer exprefsiou about his whole exterior, suddenly drops inlu a chair, and niplies to his wile's inquiry of " What ails you ?" 16 OUR SWELL. "What ails me ? Oh ! de-dear, dear, there's a fel-fel-fellow— ha, ha ! Oh, gracious ! 'pon my word there is. Don't look so strange Em., he is, he's there, and ha, ha ! oh, dear ! oh, Christopher ! he's a sight. What he's' done to himself I do not know. Red as a beet, white as magnesia, and hi.i hat is full of it. Oh ! de-ear, I'll die soon, Em., 'pon my word I will ; don't look at me that way— please do'nt, I'm not crazy, but if he ain't, he's get- ting there. Oh, my ! ha, ha, ha, ha, ha-a-a-ah !" "Mr. Landor, what ails you? please do speak with some amount of intelligence. ' He's a sight,' what do you mean ? and ' his hat is full of it.' Where did you read the account of him ?" "Read ? well that's rich, 'pon honor that's good; read ? Avell, ha, ha-a-a-a- ah, hum, hum, ah." "Mr. Landor, will you please explain f said the lady, becoming every moment paler as the horrible conviction forced itself upon her, that her husband was laboring under temporary insanity. The disciple of Punchinello seeing that his wife was really excited, be- came as calm as possible under the circumstances, and endeavored to en- ligiiten his good dame as to the fund of merriment. "Well, you see Em., I went to the door, and— ha, ha ! oh, oh 1— a fel- low came inside the door, and he's covered all over with something— yes he IK, and, oh dear, you ought to see him ; and when he took off his hat, Chri.s- fcipher ! but it was a sight : hair matted, face boiling under cover of said «ul>stance, and— ha, ha ! oh, oh, dear !— I can't tell you any more— oh, oh ! liu-a, hum." " Who is it, anyway ?" " Who is it ? why, have you forgotten already ?" *' Forgotten 1 yon have not informed me yet." "Eh, what ? did'nt tell you, hey ?— why that's funny. Well then, its Mr. Phule, our expected caller." " Mr. Phule, and in this state ? Perhaps its powder he's been putting «m his face, and perspiration made it run, that's all I'll warrant you ; you nvm always get so enthusiastic over every little thing. I'm going in to see Mr. Phule, myself." The estimable lady sailed out soliloquizing on the failings of men in a moral jwrnt of view. It was only powder she knew very well. So arrang- ing her stray locks she made her appearance. OUR SWELL. 17 " Good day, Mr. Phule. Oh, gracious ! goodness ! Dear me, please ex- cuse me, IVlr, riiule, but you look so very pale." " Indeed, I have been laboring under an attack of broncliipnlmoniam, and thi'^ Uas, no doubt, left an impression on my organism. Since then my physician informed me, that owing to my extreme sensitive nature, psycho- logical incelations have superinduced a metamorphosis of peculiar cluiiac- teristics." " Yes, I-I'll get you some wash water. You're so p-a-l-e," and boiore the lexicographer and shavifier could remonstrate, she had burst into the presence of Mr. Landor. It was now her turn to go into convulsions. A visible vibration passed over her frame to the feigned astonishment oi Jier husband, who gravely asked : " What ails you V " Oh, but he-he is fun-ny, so he is." •' Em., what in the world is the matter with you ? your conduct ib i.ur- prisingly strange." "Oh ! do hush up. Well, well, it's dreadful. Where's Miss Eing' in- tend to tell her. (Exit.) The news extraordinary was communicated, and after indulging i. a laughing spree, as only ladies can, they sought Mr. Phule, and the U.iee came to the conclusion that they would treat Mr. Piiule very courteuu ly and enjoy a laugh at his expense after his departure. They entervjd ^,ie room, and after the introductory part of the ceremony was disposed ^^^i'Al, Mr. Landor remarked upon the weather and then remained mule in uu.er that Mr. P. might have an opportunity to say something. That geutlei, ..n braced himself, coughed and said : "The enthusiamania seems prevalent in this vicinity. Miss liing." " I beg your pardon, sir, but really I did not understand \. n.d u said." "I intimated" said Mr, P., drawing himself up, "that the []i.!at{>M..a- gorical appui'tenances inherent in the tine sensibilities of proi. .•:;o. (f Sociology, ar«! imbedded in the organisms of the inhabitants of tfjt. s« v ii of the country." " Yes — somewhat," was the vague reply. "Metropolitan' stages of materialization appear to be auban,. < »!, infatuation of the senses." "There is no doubt of it." 11 18 OUR SWELL. vestigated." impression that it is to be profoundly in- di Jut':: ; ,i^'^' ''-^ "" - ^' ^•'<'- ''. I -M us., to ,„„ Mie was the nephew of Romeo, who was the w f T, , '^""^ , mother of Caligula became „„ 7 T "'"'""' ^''o ''*<'1> Canada. The Joverno G , 7 ,"' ""''''"■"' '"'"''<''^ *° >« -"' ^ decreed that he sll^d Te 7 IT^ "T f ^"''"^'■' ^■'«' «'™«' -" *^e drownh,, ,ad. .^..^ttt^uirr ^ 7 T ^ "^'^ ■ng in the Premier's presence when fl « , ' ''a"nti««s l«tr- ed, wo,t for hin, a free plla" '"''™"' """^'-''^ ^^ P™'»-<'- 1' """ '"'r't'"« ■'" ^^<"'''™«' -»• (Bell rings.) Tliere, Mr. Pliule, we dine." « ' " How very punctual you are." " Yes ; I always endeavor to he in time it ,v characteristics." '' '* " °'"' "' '"J' predomiimnt When seated at the festal board Mr P K only thi„« which annoyed him wis' the , T ™"' '""**"■"■ "^"^ streamed down his cheek, ■ ne s ■ """-'"'"""""g-^vhich continually ha„dke,.hief, and h „„,; "ZTT" , """■ "" "''" ^-S"'**" '»' topics were -Uscusseta Its tl ^T'' 7"? '" -"''""'■ ^''"- Act, Spiritualisn, in its n^e „ "lia TT """'"' '" ^*'"«'^' «™*' dealt with them all very T.^ 1 ','? '"" '"""'='''*• ^r. Phule '- li»U.ners a feeling Jawe t si ^i,;""' T"" "'"' '"^ ""^ "-'«' '" how the ar.,t scene conunenced for he ,, "",''"' '«' '"^""'ed to forget ".en stood on his head in th 1 .^ '' ^^^Tr '""! "" "' ■"""" ■»«' ■■".... fro,„ the latter position, he obse^ ^ [^Zl' "'""'^' ^"'"'^ oarpet. • seneu a soniethmg on the Brussels " 'i'''^'"-." ^'id he, .. I've bcvn saturating „,y hair in that , I....dor you have had a,, accident. This LLZ b "'""^^ ^"■ no doubt ,.en carrying a ^„n full, and uXZ^^^Z'^' '""' ""■' '^ cipit»itinir tliP i,r.w.w.„e n,..-,| ... , , /"^wm luis fallen out. thu.^ ,„... ^" '=t^i^i upon the iioor." '"' OUR SWELL. 19. im of my )undlj in- 1 to your desire to J Turkish Spezzia. rhe step- > sent to 'ised and ids upon ess l>ear- 'opound- )minant 5. The inually ten his '^arious ', Scott Phule ited in hak«»s- forget Is and piilib- ussels Mra 1*1 lias X " Really, Mr. Phule, you are the best hand at guessing I ever saw ; I forgot all about it." The acrobat said he felt slightly indisposed, and if they had no objection ho would stretch his manly form upon the couch. He remained in a lan- guishing state for a time, and then rose quickly wish a tragic air. Now the tidy on the sofa felt a desire to become acquainted with Monsieur, and clinging to the inflamation— cooling substance on his head and neck — seem- ed to have no difficulty in clinging to his stalwart form. He did not ap- pear, however, to notice it, but began in a shrill voice : " Ye gods of antiquity, at this lonely hour, when all is hushed as the cataract of Niagara ; when the beasts have gone to their nest, and the birds have lain down in their lair ; when the gloaming twilight passeth to oblivion ; when the trunks of the trees ripple to the soft, still breeze, and the sturdy leaflets uphold them in their playful flutterings ; when the sheep-dog shall protect the gentle wolf from the ficjrce assaults of the ravenous sheep, and when the chandelier v/ill have gone to his roost — Oh ! then, ye gods ! whis- per soothing words to me, and give me strength to withstand mine enemies. (Very much excited and little finger quivering.) S-death ! who cometh at this unseemly hour of the night 1 Avaunt ye fiend ! — I'll slay thee ! Dost wish to stand upon the })attk'ments of destruction, and gaze upon the in- evitable fate that awaits thee ?" Hark thee, (chin parallel with left shoul- der and whole form vibrating) I consult with the gods. Would'st talk with me — even me, who holds the key of your destruction in his hand. Avaunt"! or by the beard of Okensteim, I'll have thee gibbited for the benefits of the feathered race. Can'st not hear ? Oh ! spirits ! (Evident signs of inflama- tion around the eyeballs.) Heavens ! he recedes not from mine eager gaze. Thus do all mine enemies haunt me. Ho, spirits ! I renounce thee ; nought on earth or in heaven can keep them from me. They stingeth like an adder and bitoth like a serpent. I must undergo it all. Eh ? — I undergo 1 No, no ! methinks 'twere well to die ; to die a death of valor. Ho ! spirits, I come." (Strike himself on the breast and falls on Miss Bing's last year's chilblains.) " Oh, dear !" exclaimed the unfortunate young lady. " Sincerely I beg your pardo^i, Demoiselle ; but I was so excited, any- thing, you know, takes such possession of me in the shape of tragedy. My whole soul is absorbed in the sentiment. I will give you Dante's Vision if desire." you 20. OUR SWELL, " Oh ! Mr, Phule, I admire your gesticulation so much, but do you know I always get frightened at anything represented so real," said Mrs. Landor, (She had au eye to the welfare of her carpet.) " Oh, indeed ! Well, if you would withdraw for a moment, I feel confi- dent I could succeed in pleasing Miss Bing and your esteemed husband," But Miss B. also expressed herself as laboring under nervous prostration since his beautiful recital. (Her foot was really painful.) So the tragedian was forced to desist. Thinking it best to leave while he was popular, he informed the ladies therefore of his intention to teai- himself away, to break the magnetic chain which bound him to their angelic selves. They did not hold out great in- ducements for him to remain, for they all had duties to perform. Mr. Phule gave a stately bow which jarred several cream drops to the floor, and made his eyg sit. Mr, L. looked at Mrs, L., Mrs. L. looked at Miss B,, and they all con- cluded to laugh a short wild laugh. This Mr. L. actually did, Mrs, L. looked wofully at her besmeared carpets, and Miss B, thought she would ivaiove her shoe to ascertain if mortification had set in, Mr, L. assumed a more serious look when he received the list of fixtures. To 14 yards Tapestry, at $4.00 per yard $ 56,00 •' 9 yards Plush, at $10,00 per yard 90,00 " ITidy 2,00 • *' washing 13 Napkins, at oct, a piece 65 " doctor bill for Miss B 25. 15 " repairing Sofa 6.25 Total $180.05 CHAPTER IV. DILEMMA THE FIVE. ^^\Ull Swell can skate now. Once he couldn't, that is, t . h h\ tiic most ap- \j>^ proved fashion. Feeling confident he would soon become proficient, he purchased a pair of skatea The dealer gave him instructions how to fasten them, and he felt as though the battle >v«re already won. Proceeding to our meandering >ftrv,ttya, he clapped them on his feet and struck boldly out. Now, whw.h'Jt ,x vvas rcprescuting Smith's immortal creation of " Humility " or not 1 really do not know, but certain it is he struck a very iiiiposing attitude. His left foot glided on at a rapid rate ; too fast, in fact, OUR SWELL. 21. for the right foot, which was content to watch the rapid progress of the other. Now this state of things could not continue long— one foot going and the other looking on in a torpid state— the result was that after the energetic foot had travelled a distance of something less than a half mile, the man proper thought he would rest ere the more exciting events should transpire ; so he sat upon the solidified water with much apparent grace. He soliloquized on the evils ' of this world for a short time, and then he thought he would get up. But in vain. One foot seem to vie in out- stripping the other in activity. After a time, Mr. Phule thought he would slide up to the shore in a downfallen posture. He threw his feet bt^hind hirn, which acted as a propellative force, and then walking along on his hands and feet he managed to regain his starting point. He arose and surveyed the surrounding scenery. • Then he thought he would try it again ; but he was more reticent in his movements. So placing one foot carefully to the front and bringing the other forward he managed to advance somewhat. "Ah!" said he, "I see the idea, I have discovered a law of motion which will startle the whole* worVl. I don't wonder at Newton's emotion consequent upon his discovery, I can understand exactly." He became more enthusiastic, as he; glided over the ice, with that grace displayed only by the average unshod cow, when on ice. He soon began walking vigorously, from that to a run. " Oh delightful aspect of things," he murmured. " I feel at peace with all the world. Ah, how nicely I glide. Umph ! but that's deception in faith ; methinks I am prostrated on the bosom of the deep. S— death, but that was an irksome bump." Mr. P. liad fallen suddenly in his Avild career. Of course he presented a fine spectacle. He landed on his left shoulder, and consequently had fallen on his ear. His right arm bent under him, and seemed to be anxious to see how his left patella withstood the shock. His nasal organ, to^ seemed inquisitive, for it made a sudd(!n dive, to harpoon a whale (no doubt) or to ascertain by what method water is transformed into ice. It appears that one of his skates had become loose and departed for lands i-emote. However, notwithstanding all his mishaps he was bound to succeed. He walked about one-half of a mile and found tlu> fugitiv* skate. He arran"ed it and bravely struck out again. But he was doomed to be unfortunate. He had gone but a short dis- tance, when he thought something appeared before him, like a hole cut in 22. OUR SWELL. the ice. But he was going at a break-neck pace and did not at once think of putting on " brakes." Suddenly he conceived the idea of stopping him- self by nieiins of the heel of his skate. He accordingly made a mighty effort, but his skates only slid on in front, while he fell gracefully backwards. This, however, had not the effect of stopping him in time. He slid with the velocity of an avalanche into the opening. Honor oi horrors ! Ho struggled wildly and called loudly. No one came. He thought of his far distant home, of his dog whining over his remains, and the serious loss to the comnmiiity at large consequfuit upon his demise. After a desperate struggle he regained a footing on the ice, and then scrambled towards home. He indeed presented a sad sig^^^ — limbs refusing to cari-y their burden, (he lost his skates in tlie jaws of death) frame trembling, and his whole exterior dotted over with scenic diversifications. H(>n' a stray fragment of a coat fluttering in the arms of the breeze, there a border of red (life-i-ed) ornamenting a dreary waste, while as he walked stetulily forward, tin water steadily froze and he^teadily became more steady. *. . . . He soon became loaded down with a coating of ice about 14 inches thick. To icsuMu- his journey it beeanui neca-isavy for him to remove his coat and trouscis. Having done this he travelled more lively, but by some means he felt ratlicr ool. It might have Ihhmi owing to the cool atmosphenMir to his exposed condition. Perha]>s it was on this account, perhaps it wasn't ; any way hv becan\e cold and he rt^solved to search for his cnst-away suit. When he found them, tlu^y had migrated ])ack to the place in which they were christened. It was with great dillieulty that lu hauled out th«i coat. He might as well have reserved his sti'ength, for the; sleeves \< jre well filled with ice ; so with a doleful look on his emaciated face, he pushed it back into its elem»Mit. Luckily for him his dog had broken his chain of resist- ance, and sought his master. Mr. P. mounted his sturdy company, and urged him on to rapid progress. As the dog went bouncing through the street, with its woful rider, the consternation of the inhabitants became a l)anic. The sui'prise was still greater when Mr. Phule scraml»l(>d into the house from Ids elevated position. There Was an editorial out the following morning, which ran stfinething like this : - " Our local reporter n'cuived irifortnation last evcnnng that a »)ody had been 8i»en in a hole cut in the ice near Mi\ 8 's barn, but at a Iat»'r period we have aseertaiucd that tlie supposed body was Mr, Thule's vestment. it npjM'ars that Air. P. conceived the idea ii few days ago that he was a pro- OUR SWELL. 23 fessional skater. He accordingly betook himself to our streamlet, and no doubt had a grand time of it. We have interviewed that remarkable per- son who has kindly given us the subjoined of his prowess on skates : " ' I experienced a sense of languor, Mr. Editor, and thinking that a lively skate for a few hundred miles would be beneficial, I put my design into execution. I skated very vigorously and became so warm that I felt uncomfortable, and threw off my coat. This eased me quite materially, and T increased my rate. I then removed my vest ; my rate increased. My trousers were burthensome, and I concluded that as no one was looking I would drop them also ; I gave a little skip athwart the air, and left my lower limb protectors flying in the breeze. I now felt airy as a hedgehog and graceful as a butt'alo. My rate increased to an almost incredible state of celerity. I became warmer and felt for my handkerchief, but that article had gone with my coat. I sought the last named, and found it by the side of an ice-chiselled cavern, but minus the h. d. k. f. 1 tossed the coat con- temptuously into the water, and used the trousers similarly. As 1 felt un- comfortable in my extreme warmth, I concluded to dive into the opening and cool off. I reached the bottou) several Smes, and in one of my sub- marine exfiirsi(,ns, tackled a sea monster. T made a .superhuman efl'ort ajid tossed him upon the ice. I then mesmerised him. I ])laced myself in front of liim and pointed lionunvard. 1 then jumped on liis back and uailed home serenely happy. ' Mr. P. has practis"d since and lived through it. On the wljole we think he has improved. CHAPrER V. DILKMMA THE SI.X. Mr. Phule tliouglit he would buy a horse. He hud u dollar and thir- ti^en cents, so lie advertised for a second-class horst^, for which he was willing to jMiy part down and the renuiindt'r at a time to be fixed by the parties concerned. In two days h" had fourteen who were willing to sell. Some very nice a|)ecimens were prmented; one in particular caught the eye of the aflept. it was a very peculiar horse. Its pf^culiarities were nuitietviUH, ho we mention a few of tin- more important phases : 1. It seemed to he blesHed with a particular good apj)etitc, and yet it never became burdened with fat. ^4 OUR SWELL. 2. It had a fondi)ess for a white commodity, vulgarly called salt. It has been known to analysize fourteen sets of harness in order to get a taste of something which tasted like it, 3. It had a strange practise of placing one of its Ipgs, farthest from its mouth, in justaposition with passers-by, generally those who came the closest. 4. He was a j)ictures(iue horse. In some horses there is a great deAi of sameness. Now on this horse there was ever a picturesque landscape pre- sented. His ribs were more discernible than in other horses, and con- sequently the hide of the animal had the appearance of small scenic valleys, the interwoven hair or fur being a substitute for shrubbery. His ribs, you see, were mountain ranges. Oh, there was nothing common about that horse. He had many other peculiarities, but space and time do not permit us to mention them. Now this horse took the eye of the experienced horsf^ man, Mv. F'liiilc, and lu^ was detevniined to have him at any cost The owner api-eart'd to be very proud of him. He had \vi\t\ the advertisement and gave y>/( tlie sound of/; he pronounced the name, therr No. .'i. It was smno time vw the jaws ol' il,,- pencpful atumal could be made to relax, and the fearful thought became protuin.'nt that he had the lock-jaw. However, by dint of unsparing «>nergy in the use of the crowbar the suf- ivwv was at last extrioattal from the jaws of Death yes, that's wliat the horse was called, 26 OUR SWELL, Of course Mr. P. was not angry. How could he be. Nevertheless he talked of suing for $200 damages. He said he would enter the suit under " false pretenses' — pretending to sell a horse instead of an escaped mam- moth from Brobdignagi.M This, however, could not kill his love for that horse. He agreed to pay $1.04 down, and the rest (two dollars per tooth) when the time was up. Mr. P. felt proud of his bargain, and took home his purchase with ap- parent glee. He eyed him over his shoulder as he led him home (survey- ing his .symmetrical form, of course) and placed him in a stall two feet by four. Very accommodating horse, he was ; could be put into a gun barrel if it were long enough. Now Mr. P. thought continually all that day and night how he should feed him. He knew that both ends were dangerous, for by one he had l>een sent whirling through the air like a top, and by the other he had been enabled to survey the whole solar system with considerable accuracy. He considered that as the " liapj)y medium " had done him no harm, he would feed him at that point. He jabbed a hole through the partition with his jack-knife, and made it large enough to admit a saw. A goodly rent was soon made, and a manger placed insich^, and a (juantity of hay put therein. The horse did tolei-ably well for a time, until one morning lie was found outside his stall. He had evidently passed through the ojieuing. Mr. P. endeavored to make him jump back again by tossing a few umbrellas, wheel- barrows, and pitchtork.H nt him. This seemed to be just what the pony wanted, for he swallowed them all without the least apparent dilliculty. Mr. P. then cut a hole in the roof of the stable and j)oured down fourteen barrels of boiling water upon him. This was particularly pleasing to him, owing no doubt to the removal of vermin. The stable was literally strewn with it. The cats and dogs came by thousands and partook of the luxurious feast. Mr. P. then got a large cannon ball and dropped it down, but as it did not strike the backbone fairly, it rolled ott' on one side. Mr. Pluih* then poured down some molten lead. This a])peared to be of more utility, for he threw out one of Ins hind legs sixteen times and put seventeen large holes in the side of tlu' btiildijig. A boy who was striridriig nutf.idr: rrcHve most of tli(< violent assault and was sent Hying at the rat(^ of .'JM.\ leagues per hour. He tinally settled down in a chiunH'y of a mill, iiead downwards ; Ilia feet paddled the air and the neighborhood was deliglited with what they OUR SWELL. 27 considered a now smoke-stack, working on the principle of perpetual motion. The proprietors, however, could not tell what was the reason so much smoke stopped =n the room. One morning the stove door was sent flying through the window opposite ; a smoke-cloud came pouring out and filled the room with such a density that a pet monkey, which was on the mantelpiece, walked on it down to the table. The chimney was then investigated, and the patent smoke-stack taken down, with the strange idea that it difln t answer the purpose. I have heard since that the boy has a craving appetite for soot, and is never comfortable unless he has his vest pockets full of smoke. Well, to resume, Mr. Phule found that ^\'z did not have tlie effect de- sired, so he fired a rifle ball through hinj. This only creatnl a desire in the intelligent animal to catch the ball as it went through. The shot was effective, it made a window in l)oth sides ; but this was remedied by the in- ternal action of the ho.-se. The pitchfork which he had swallowed was forced by the subtzuangeran i)roctvss into the obtualengerioy canal, thence into the orgamifixoner, which finally forced it into the aurifice caused by the rifle-ball. It exactly filled the cavity and no loss was sustained to the vitality of the horse, who seemed to pride himsc-lf on having a balancing pole, wherewith to maintain a proper e, was intelli- gent. He gnawed a hoI(> through a banvl which contaiiKHJ thirty -nine gal- lons of cider. How did li(. drink it I Well, I'll tell you : This horse had very good lungs. You could have lieard him breathe \:\ 2-27 milcH away, actual fact. Then he Mew a hole lengthways through (hc^ fork-handle; then he h\v.\v backwards, that is, he forced vibrations tlwough his H'soplmgus instead of having it pass out into the open air. Well, the pressure of the air forced a hole through that part of the handle bound ••u the East by his right-hand side, on the West by his left-hand side, on the North by a-KophagUH, phaiynx, submaxillary and sublingual glands, and on the South by the reohajus andering avanlungenyx. The knowing horse j)laced (me end of the handle into tlu^ Itarrel, and then heaved a heavy bieath. The result was that the invigorating fluid was drawn up along thr cavity and then 28 OUR SWELL. ejected through the hole in the handle. The fluid thus, you see, was very scientifically deposited in the horse, and was a source of nutrition. Oh, that horse was no fool ! I will mention a few of the articles he consumed during his captivity : 13 Sets of Single Harness. 9 Whipstocks. 14 Sets of Double do 11 Cross-cut Saws. 23 Log-Chains. 64 Pitchforks. 68 Trace do 101 Drag-teeth. Oh, that horse was bound to live ; to him life was sweet. As he con- templated it in all its grandeur, he was filled with the liveliest emotions. He once leaped lightly on a straw-stack to discourse on " The Sublime Ex- altation and Maguaminity of Things/' })ut the rooster crew just as he was clearing out his throat, and he becaine disgusted. Mr. Phule now advertised that h'l had a horse for sale — a horse of un- heard of capacities. There Avere numerous ai)plicants, but they were all too timid to invest. TIk; schenu' was too great for small minds. The horse swallowed all he came across, from a hen-house down to a corkscrew, and Mr. P. was one day very nnich surprised to find tliat he had sw\allowed the hole wliich he had cut to feed him through. This somewhat discouraged the hou. gentleman, and he determined to "cut liim loose." This was ac- cordingly done, and the horse secuu'd to eniov his freedom. He im- mediatt'ly made a raid on a new drag which he downed readily. Mr. P. bemoaned tlu' loss of the article hut " it is an ill wind that blows nobo., etc." The drag-teeth dragged out the horse-teeiu, thus leaving Mr. P. his horse clear of all debt ; for- if you remember $2 was to be j)aid per tooth. Now it so lia|i)MMi<',d that the ai'ticle-doer-away-with jumped over a 16- foot-high boavd fencf, and made gen(>ral havoc. In a short time a bill was hand'MJ to tlu! snrpfis -d ownei-, which ran something like this : MlWSHS, I'Wttf.lO, HoKsK & (.'()., DiH. To .J. ()\AKI.. To Killing; It Pi-N (- .?,-> 8 70 00 •' Swallowing I,') (;iiickt'ii3, (,' of aflfoction, Oh ! harkeii to ballads from me, Could my love iiiid another direction Than thine, I would die sweet for thee. There's such love-light in every grace That clings to thine every twist ; And the light that lights up tnine eye. Is a light that could never be kissed. ' Oh, Cleoi-iatria ! where were the charms That Antony saw in thy face ? To Amy her grace were alarms. And her form a most horrible place. Oh ! come to my arms ye wild rose of morning ! Oh, come ! tor I've waited heart-broken and long ; Oh, come with thy beauty thy sweet face adorning, And give to the wild winds thy freedom and song. How I wish to be with thee wheii twilight is stealing, Athwart the moist gloom that falls from above, Then would I cast myself humble and kneeling. Before thy blest presence and ask for thy love. This was certainly a grand csffusion, and no doubt had a good effect. This was followed in a few days by another grand effort. We give it verbatim. " My sweet sunflower of happiness and idol of my soul, to thee I again send expressions of ray love. How can I do otherwise, since I see thee in the gorgeous rainbow, in the beautiful tints of the sinking sun, and in the sublime loveliness of nature. I adore thoe, Amaranthy ; I admire thy comely form, thy pleasing fac(^ aud fine buxom projuMisities. Thou art a creature of angelic grace and inexpressible beauty. The light of thine eye could netietriite a fountetni feet thickness of solidified water ; could rend the most colossal of inouumcnts ; dart, likt? an adder at its prey, upon the one who dare to wound thy sensitive; feelings; and blast, like the lightning of the N OUR SWELL. 31 heavens, whatever dare arouse thy usual placidity of temperament. Would that thou were here, that I might press thee to myself and wrap around thee my manly arms. Then would I feel the magnetic thrill coursing and recoursing through my veins ; my whole system would be electrified, and I would "aze into the depths of tliy tender eyes and drink in thy beauty in all its 'extreme loveliness. Were I on the point of death, and the last spark of vitality were speeding, yet a gentle touch from thy alabaster jnnmu would send an electrifying shock througli my system, and new energy would find way into my sinking form. I would revive and press thy cheek to mine, and, as the genial glow pervaded our natures through and throu^jh, I would press thy lips to mine— and oh ! the untold bliss. oh, mich hliss— the bliss of blisses ! Oh, such kiss -tlic kiss of kisses ! oh, such face— the face of faces ! Oh, blest trrace— the grace of graces Hark ! to my love-song, ye daughter of sunbeams, Tiist to the words I have written for thee ; Thy charms are made up from a fountain of fun-gleam^, the smile on thy face belongs only to me. I love to rellect on the channs that are round thee, To muse on the thought that they'll soon be by own; Oh, blest be the day— the glad day that I found thee And blest be the day when I'll claim thee alone. As the jiui-e and unstained snow, Falling from the heavens above, Contrasts great with earth below, Compared with others is thy love. And this love is ever round thee, Stamping beauty on your face ; Ah I sweet chance, tliat I have found thee. Embodiment of love and grace. Graceful as the gliding swan O'er tlie ripiiling, placid brook ; Airv as the skipping fawn. Lovely as "love's" sweetest lo»k. The lovely crimson sky is tame, Wlien looking at thy mantled flush ; And should I beg to change thy name, Sweet Amy, speak not— simply blush. The author received no answer and became somewhat vexed. In a tew \ ' days he sent the following : ^ The rain drojvs from the clouds above, Although with good intent. May cause within the leaf of love An agonizing rent. The blushing school girl in her teens, Kecipient of Cupifl's dart, May crouch behind her licensed screens And think to play with human heart. The amorous poet repented of this, and sent a few verses to denote Jii* clinging aftection. We copy a few of them. I saw a boy, 1 saw a girl, I saw a tine boiiuet ; And happiness round one ami all In rich profusion lay, Ilai>i>v the boy ! because he mot 'rtu! signs of jwrfect love- - A love as pure and holy as The love from heaven above. 32 ORU SWELL. Ilayipy the {,'"'1 ! because she folt The one she loved wa^ true ; Who to all other hearts but hers, Had gladly bid adie u . Happy the fine petite bouquet, That ill its beauteous flush, Had seeti the mutual -fiance of love, Detected in the blubh. Mr. PliuIe began to consider himself a true-born poet ; he continued to court the muse and Amaranthy. He sent a few luscious lines of another metre. Note the genius — glimmerings. Love, with many, is a moment Of estatic bliss ; Love, with me, is bliss eternal. Sealed by Amy's liiss. Thou sweet little daffodil, growing,' 'mongst butter-cups, Finest of all the fine flowers of love. How can I paint thee, bundle of flutter-sups? Eclipsing in beauty the soft light above. Ainaranthy's ardent admirer forwarded to her sixty-three epistles, and then calmly waited for an answer. In about two months, when his reason was just beginning to feel shattered, it came. Oh, blessed moment ! With trembling fingers ho opened the sacred missive, and fell down on his knees from sheer exhaustion. "Ah! here it is." (He reads.) " Pteceived your notes ; my address is unchanged." Miss R . Heavens ! what a delightful termination to his suspense. He thought thc! note might have been a little longer, but this he attributed to bashful- ness. He then went to work, and with use of saw, hammer and nails, he constructed a box five feet by eight. This he filled with manuscripts con- taining poetical effusions, which he manufactured while lying awake at nights. When a proper selection had been made, the precious contents, screened from the cruel gaze of the public by the casement which he had made, were shipped safely to their destination. For seventeen long weeks Mr. P. waited patiently ; his manly form gradually wasted away. At the end of the time mentioned, he received the following flatteriTig and tender reply : "7'o Mr. VhiU: — The man with a softened brain, and general builder and contractor in nonxPAnte, and dealer in love-sick upholstery^ these few lines are right cordially dedicated : How can I blame theo, thou love-stricken dolt ? Binco your sense is as light oh the cents in your pocket ; Your features n>Reiid>1i! papa's weaninir colt, And your heart is just right for a common-sized locket. You B{)eak of your love— pray where does it linger, In til " " / ic soul of your master who brained you at school ? 11 the love you bear mo, would not itch my small finger And besidcb, when I'm yoked, 'twill not be to a Phule.' OUR SWELL. 33 Mr. P. thinks his letters were intercepted. He has entered an action against the Government for $5,000.00 damages. ed ler ,nd ion ith ees ght eui- he !on- at tits, had 3rm the and few / CHAPTER VII. DILEMMA THE EIGHT. 'R. Phule is a very brave young man ; he is also a young man of f^4 enviable qualities. He was never known to tell a real old-fashion- ed lie. With perfect simplicity he relates one of his many desperate en- counters to his brother, who resides in Arungaitz. " My Veey Dear Brother : — Since I wrote you but a short time ago in reference to family mat- ters I now send you a letter which bears only upon a slight adventure 1 had the other day. I sallied out with my dog Crump m search of game ; the weather looked threatning, but I resolved to W^ it. I had proceed- ed but a short distance, when a low growl from the dog arretted by atten- tion. I followed the eye of the dog and perceived a huge snake curled up on a log. I fired, but missed the snake, which crawled rapidly toward me I lumped on one end of a log and the snake mounted the other end, but hii tremendous weight bore up the tree, and I ™ placed m a ^^^^J^^ dicament— up in the air nearly one hundred and fifteen feet. The monster s^r^'yed^eir a time, and tLn placed his tongue against the tree jh-h overbalanced it and down I went. I would no doubt have been killed had I not jumped and fallen upon the tail of the snake^ It now appeared that the snake was only toying with me before my final destruction, for he would place me upon his broad back and then let me roll down again. I could not have long endured this treatment, for the ground was hard and about thirty-five feet from the plane of the snake's back-bone; but he seemed to be very considerate, for he changed the scene. He amused him- self by tossing nfe up two or three miles in the air, and catching me m his mouth as I came down. This would have been a very pleasing sensation had my breath not been nearly taken away on account of ^ ^elenty of movement; however, I enjoyed the sport very much «^d felt tolerably amused as I thought of the intelligence of dumb creatures^ You will won- Tr where the dogmas all this timl-well, I'll tell yon. The snake caught hL eye and fascinated him, he remained as motionless as though he were curved out of marble ; thus, you see, I had the sport all to myself. In one S my drops down th^ snake's throat I took observations on the surround- ing sLiery^ .Jn the far end.of his ^U I - :^:-t:S/tt wi trwe^re^v^nr ^::r^^^^^^^ \ The poultry line. At the back A the house I perce ved three milc^cow^^^^ number of young cattle, and twenty-nine pigs, all ma thriving condition. The heads of the family were not duU to a taste of refinement, for a beauti- 34 OUR SWELL. ful flower garden stretched picturesquely a short distance from the house ; it was arranged in symmetrical proportions, and it looked very refreshmg. I thought I would accost the old man, who was outside with his Ijoy sharp- ening a scythe on a grind stone. Without waiting for a formal introduc- tion I made up to him ; he was very pLasant and invited me into his house. I was led in the parlor, whrn-o his eldest daughter was stated before a piano. 1 thought it strange that I had not htsard the sound outside, but it was owing, no doubt, to the extreme thickness of the snake, and the distance which intervened between the location of the house and the mouth of the reptile. I inquired how he came to live in such comfortable quarters. He replied, that lie was out working one day, when he perceived a huge monster of some kind coming towards him, carrying his house on his back.- The house was placed on a stuiup, and the monster then drove him into the house, which was then swallowed by the snake with much apparent ease. He drove his cattle in afterwards, he said, through a gap which he hewed out in his^ail, and he then nailed it up afterwards. He said, through this opening lie procured means of subsistence in the shape of grain and pota- toes. He had a few acres seeded down and expected a good crop m a couple of years. It was through this aperture, my dear brother, that I passed out into freedom. I immediately sought my dog, and found him m the same predicament as when I left him. I called him, kicked him, and hnal ly threw a saw log at him, Imt all in vain ; he remained immovable. I then looked at him steady for a time and snapped my finger ; he awoke from his trance with a bound, and recognized me as his deliverer. Ever since, how- ever, I dare not look him in the eyes, for he goes oft' into a mesmeric state. Since my adventure I was startled one day by considerable barking m the yard ; on going out I discovered seventeen o'Aitr dogs all around our dog. They formed a circle, with Crump as centre. He had evidently mesmerised them, for they gazed blankly till Crump did something, and then they would all imitate him. Crump barked softly, they did the same ; Crump howled dismally, they responded in similar strains ; Crump acted wonder- fully cute, the rest did also. The music was very melodious, especially when they barked angrily. A few next-door neighbors, however, could not ap- preciate it, and they spoke of having me arrested for harboring unclean spirits. Crump stood on one leg, the other dogs did the same ; Crump bit his tail two inches from the end, the rest were accurate in imitating him ; Crump stood on his heels, thoy did likewise ; Crump stood on his head, they were proof in imitation. Now Crump got his head in a hole, and he had to stop tliere ; of course the other dogs nmst remain as long as he, if it were for a century of centennials. Crump kicked to extricate himself, the other dogs struggled likewise ; Crump found it useless and subsided into quiet- ness and contemplation, so did they. They remained there for two weeks and thirteen days. I made quite an item by charging fifteen cents per glance to the countless thoufiauds who came to see ' the most startling sight on record.' Of course Orump had to be fed, so I dug a subtcrrariean channel wliich passed underneath where he stood. I put a longiron rod up through the moist soil, soon I felt a jerk ; he had seized the end, thinking it was food- in fact, he bit oft' four inches. I then placed a piece of meat on the end and passed it up to him ; he was not long in devouring it. In orB SWELL. 35 t.- To • " Of course the other dogs received chunks of this manner I kept him ^-l^^^.^- ^^^ ^ /^ee Prof. Gunn's treatise on mes- the same dimension-how, I do no* l^^^^- ^ ^^^ f^ur inch pieces of merism.) I ^^^ced afterwards that^t^^^^^^ g ^^P ^ ^^^^^ ^ iron rod, corresponding to ^^^^^J^^^^^^l^^ia sustain itself. I clipped off niined to see how far the mesmeric t^^^^^^^^^ ^^ ^^^^ . ^ .^^^^^ Crump's Loth of Crumps ^^f '^^/fj^^^^^^^ cranium ^PP^^^^g^^ ^' ^^ p J^^^'f his tail, all the other tails disappeared ; over also ; I then released CrumP ot ms tan, ^ . j I put Crump's tail in my ^-^'r^o^^^^^^^^^^^ (commonly called hinii legs), then nipped off one of ^^rump^^^^^^^^^^^ iUntaneously, and all were all the other dogs lost then ^o^^^^PfJ'^'''^ ^° ^^^t pocket, where Crump's crammed by some -y£--,X;^ '^Z7iroTl W position and his had been placed. I then took ^^J^ Kjs^ ^^^ ^ collar box lymg m satellites were of course, also ^^J^^^^^^^ ^ince his return to a the yard, and as Crump felt rather discon^^^^^ ^^^ . ^^^ ^^^^^^ common phase of existence he thought h^ jvouia^ ^^ ^^^^^^,^ rr njrumf i^'wlel i itXTlr^Lr- did the U that is to theory ,S';^;^^^^P,^,%ther, I must close. More anon, say— ah ! excuse me, , ^^^ ^^ agitation. P. S.-The ears which went over ^^e tence are^^^^ 5^ ^ A fly flew (note the ^^^^^^^Xe^^eZ ^suTInt Treeze'to p'ropel a sixty the other ears fjl^r.^ V"" j/hfthe vard. I have just sent a document to NO MORE. N. B.— Avoid looking on the next page. 36 OUR SWELL. MY CURIOUS READERS. Since tliat subtle persuader, curiosity, has prompted you to go thus far beyond the bounds, I surmise that you have a desire to look still deeper into the mysteries of a Phule's Life. You may also wish to know something of the author of a Phule's Life. Gentle reader, allow me to make the sub- lime statement that you will })e gratified by perusing Vol. No. II of ** Our Swell." In reference to the author, I would point out to you that he is an observing citizen, and that you may obtain a cursory view of his placid features, and note his multitudinous idiosyncrasies, by calling at the Mechanics' Institute, where he is an indispensable official. • The Author.