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PREFACE. 
 
 *3^ 
 
 The " Kidnappers" is the style of a new farce which is about to 
 be produced at one of the leading Theatres in London. 
 
 The author is a Canadian and naturally desires the applause of 
 his countrymen, before submitting this, his literary pet to the criticism 
 of a foreign audience. 
 
 We have therefore secured a few of the advanced sheets for circu- 
 lation in Canada, in order that the public here may pass an opinion 
 upon the merits of the farce. 
 
 Many of the Dramatis Persona; will be readily recognized by every 
 one acquainted with the current of events in Canada. 
 
 The whole farce is founded upon facts which have occurred within 
 the reracmbranoe of the oldest (0/ some of the young) inhabitants 
 
 The characters are drawn from life, every one of them being now 
 living. 
 
 The soliloquies were taken down by intimate friends of the speakers 
 and are in their very words. The very peculiarities of idiom and 
 expression being carefully preserved. 
 
 This little piece when completed will present a lifelike picture of 
 (he manners and customs of ^kitzland. Our descendants who it is 
 hoped will be more virtuous (politic tlly) will read it with surprise and 
 perhaps disgust—wondering at the degeneracy of their forefathers 
 rulers. 
 
 We hope at some future time to submit to an anxious and apprecia- 
 tive public the remainder of this great and unrivalled literary effort. 
 
 The talented author may bo able in the last acts of the farce, to 
 show how the outraged community of Skitzland rose in its might and 
 hurled from power, the horde of unprincipaled adventures and political 
 cormorants which infested the body politic. 
 
 We have suggested to the author that his play should be dedicated 
 to " The first politician of Skitzland who pursued an honest and 
 patriotic oourso, or observed tho pledges made to his constituents 
 before election." He is seriously considering the suggestion. 
 
 "TUE PUBLISHERS." 
 
Pi 
 
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 bete 
 
 Tho 
 
 pleas 
 
 Aug. 
 
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THE KIDNAPPERS. 
 
 A TRAGICO-COMICAL MELODRAMA, 
 
 IN TEN ACTS. 
 
 -"« • » » I 
 
 Act L— Scenk I. 
 
 PKR80NA.-The Hon. Mr. Gorilla. Atty.-Gen. of Skitzland, F P 
 ^^'>v»wS£ ^''*" ^"^••^''"•'« P«^*o^'^. B^toDoir, Esq., do. 
 Scene.- An OJice with the usual /urniture, bookcases, &c. 
 
 fblM " ^-"^^-^^"^"^ - - «^^^r^ leS« -.d, anns 
 
 ^ Me voil a de nex step I am Gubornor ob Skitzlaiid. Dere is nUini? 
 m de world like de I'audaee. I am de most imperteenent man I 
 mean do most daring man on de globb. I am de Bayard ob'de 
 univers- I dare anyting to do. I beard de ole chef Fountaine, I 
 kiek de postntd ob de judges. I laff at de bar des vrais faineants. 
 1 leap on de marchands of dis citd, and I make my fren collector; leg 
 betes, vot care I for dem. Dey talk, talk, and do nuttin. Bah John 
 Ihorn pauvre animal, he do vot I tell hem un vrai dinde, he talk 
 pleasede lectors, he vote please me. I Angleeshman now. I speak 
 Angleesh ver well. I luff rosbif, de bleeding stek. I more Angleesh 
 dan old Pam, more consorvateur dan Lord Durbee, more pluckee daa 
 de debbil ; ma fol, vot change since I vos fiU de la liberty, valk about 
 
2 
 
 vid pcestol ill mini' hund, and run awpy from doso sacres Doriquea. 
 I've better prospec now dan von I look out de cellar window at St. 
 Denis — mais, mais c'e.st prosiiu' incroyable. 
 
 I hab done great deal for Skitzland. Haf T not name raon cousin 
 Eponge judge at Alemaire. He aj^cnt for do crown. Lcetle manque 
 in bis accounts, had be reste, dcre would be great beog defeeciet. I 
 make bim judgi; lie caa no more spen<l do publiquc money. Dat 
 was economic for de l*rovince. Den dere was mon cbcr associd Teto 
 vide, did I not give bis intelligence, bis amiabilite, bis sweet temper et 
 6a digestion admirable as a sacrafis for de publifjue good. Hein I dat 
 •was a siicrafis. fvla patriotism force me to decimate nies pai'cus for ,de 
 good ob de countree. 
 
 Haf I not bear vied dat sacrd M. Quibio to conciliecr de Irish 
 interest? Wbo support dat respectable Corporation de Grand Tronic 
 but nie? I do Attorney General ob d(! Province, but I de 'General 
 Attorney of dat great companee. I always vote for de Grand Tronk, 
 and de Grand Tronk always pay my lectle bills. 
 
 Dere are mes cbers associes llcquin I'incorruptible Betcnoir i'ine- 
 branlable, de old gloire de la famille Gorilla vill be renew in la vieille 
 France tanks to deir exertions. Linked wid dem, wid my foot on 
 Lamirande, me voi la ^ I'Kxposition do Paris en 1867, en pose, mon- 
 trant que memo dans le Canada, le descendant d'un Fran^-ais se moque 
 des lois de 1' Albion jx^rlide. 
 
 (A knock at tbo duor.) 
 
 Enters Rcquin. — Fib bien M. Gorilla. I haf made de bill for de 
 Freucb Empire et c'est just 40,000 frs. 
 
 Gorul'i.. — Tres bien. But it vill be better not to deesmoes it until 
 after de Confederation. Nous soiumos pas mal, and I tink dat it 
 would be better dat 1 can say [ baf not receive one dollar in do case. 
 
 Bcquin. — I will keep it den until you are de Gobcrnor of dis 
 Province ; vi(di station you sball adorn. 
 
 AoT II. — Scene U. 
 
 Person A. — T. K. Cbimpanzee, Crown Prosecutor. 
 
 Scene.— An Office, counter therein^ hooks, papers on tables, chairs, Ac 
 
 T. JLjQ-'Teclining in bis cliair, eyes towards the ceiling, loquitur. 
 /^Ordinary impudence of the Irish sort, Tom, my dear fellow, is not 
 
tlio tiling. The genuine article for getting a man on in the world is 
 Scotch cffront; ry. I have pondered deeply on the subjeet, smd com- 
 ing to the conclusion, I have just enunciated, I determined even when 
 I was a boy to cultivat(! my natural talent in that way to it.s fullest 
 capacity ; and I flatter myself that I have succeeded a la merveille. 
 Thank I'rovidence, 1 am an incredulous individual. There are very 
 few things I believe in, save my own suj)eriority, pliysieally a"d in- 
 tellectua'ly to all men 1 have ever met or read of. ^lcn of genius, it 
 is said, have always some weakness. I have nothing of that kind 
 about me, I am a perfect specimen of the human race, of the samcj 
 material as the demigods of ancient days, but with all the udvantages 
 of modern science. Stick-at-nothing-ness is the surest passport to 
 success. 
 
 If it pays, politically or commercially spoaking, I uia and always 
 have been ready to do anything from pitch and toss to kidnapping. ^ 
 go no higher in tlie criminal scale, for I never boast ofwhat I will do, 
 but of what I have done. Consequences in Canada are things not to 
 be dreaded. In any civilized countr}' in the world, of course, they 
 are unpleasant things, but in this Province, under the rule of the eri- 
 lighteiif-d Gorilla, ccmsequcncef; are only to be dreiided by those idiots 
 who allow themselves to be seduced by the old adage of honesty being 
 the best policy. Public opinion here is trash, or rather is on a par 
 with the expression of feeling in a thieves' convention when one o% 
 the brotherhood gets lagged. 
 
 I don't care a rap for it. People may say Jinything they like, as 
 long as I feather my nest. Like Front de Boeuf, my motto, to all is 
 Cave adsum, the judges quake when I appear, the lawyers subside into 
 their shoes when my eye falls upon them, the criminals plead guilty 
 even when innocent, as soon as they hear my voice, I will and it is 
 done. I never trust in the justice of my cause. My faith is based 
 on the surer foundation of my sublime effrontery. Veni, vidi, vici. 
 I have subjugated the bar, I have debased the bench, I have trampled 
 under foot the laws of the Province. There is nothing more for me 
 to do here. Like Alexander, I could weep for lack of something to 
 conquer. Ex ^gi monumentum oorc perennius. 
 
 (Throws his handkerchief up to the ceiling, catches it, and tiie 
 eurtain falls*) 
 
Act III.— Scene ill. 
 
 Scene. — Directors' Room 'n a Bank in the City of Sptaahville, 
 
 Persona. — Shaver, l)ru<r<^ct, Kettle, and Chamber seated round 
 
 Directors table. 
 
 Shaver. — ("louds obi>curo the pdlitical horizon ; the amiable and 
 enlightened Oorilla is threatened with extinction, — that sun which 
 has blazed over our heads for the past nine years, whose rays liave 
 heated our chilled blood, and whose, generous impulses have Ulled our 
 pockets during the same time, is about to subside from the political 
 firmament. Can we, shall wo gentlemen allow our mainstay thus to 
 be smashed and fl )at in pieces on the ocean of our despair. Never, 
 Gentlemen, never shall it be said that tliere were not men in the 
 great City of Sphishville able to pat Gorilla on the back, give him a 
 certificate of character, and send him with all hie blushing glories 
 on his brow to carry In^for.^ him in England his glorious project of 
 Confederation with tlie numberless offices it will place at the disposal 
 of our party. 
 
 Drugget. — Shaver, you are a great orator, I feel like a bale of cotton 
 on the eve of spontaneous combustion, you have so excited the rem- 
 nants of my feelings, that I feel yards of emotion rising in my 
 throat, if 1 speak not I shall die, — but I should like to know ere 
 givintr vent to mv emotionj', how t'.io maint^manjcof Gorilla will affect 
 the Dry Go(jd.s trade and tlie firm of Cotton Drugget & Co. in 
 particular. 
 
 Shaver. — My dear follow your firm shall ha/e n section of the line 
 
 of the Great S nithern Railroad. We'll give you $30,000 a mile for 
 
 • . . . . 
 
 fifty miles of it. You can then give it out to sub-contractors, perfectly 
 
 reliable intelligent men. at $20,000 a mile, leaving to your firm a neat 
 
 little profit of $500,000 gained by subtraction from the Province, 
 
 without the slightest risk or trouble. 
 
 Drugget. — I stifle my emotions, — the crisis is past — and I beg 
 to say on behalf of our firm that we are ready to grant any certificates 
 you may require, and to pj,t any portion of Gjrillas body which hs 
 may place at our disposal for that purpose. 
 
 Kuttle. — What are we to got Shavor ? 
 
 Shaver. — We'll give the distinguished firm of Kettle Bjiler & Co. 
 
the agency for the rails, locomotives and cars ; we'll force the sub- 
 contractors to order through you. Your connuission from the Pro- 
 vince shall be five per cent , and if you do'nt make ten extra out of 
 the subs, you arc not fit to live in a free country. 
 
 Kettle. — E.\cellent ! We'll support Gorilla and his liberal and en- 
 lightened policy to our last dollar and our last nail. 
 
 Cham'orr — But iiow are we to be benefited ? The Laiuirande 
 aifair is devilish bad. I don't sec how the firm of Chamber, I'otts & 
 Basin can reconcile it to their consciences to support Gorilla. 
 
 Shaver. — Oh Lord ! ha ! ha ! ha I There is a nvyf eonmiodity in 
 the stock in trade of Chamber's firm. The idea of Chamber Potts 
 & Basin having consciences, or even of having one amongst them all 
 is too absurd. Ha ! ha ! ha I My dear Chamber, let us have a look 
 at that new fangled commodity of yours. What is it like, old fellow ? 
 Is it delf, china or Bohemian glass? Is it much ornumentt-d with 
 pendants, or is its style that of severe simplicity. Do you put it on 
 your shelves for sale, or do you keep it in your show ease for exhibition ? 
 Did you ever lose a halfpenny by it? If you did, and as this labt 
 affair is likely to be the last straw, why we'll give you a contract for 
 fifty thousand dinner sets in < namel and gold, to be worked up into 
 locomotives, and ten thousand breakfast sets to be converted into lin- 
 ing for boilers. 
 
 Ch'iniber. — Every one must live Shaver, your offer is a liberal one, 
 — it is in ovir line. We sell to yon, we have nothing to do with what 
 you may do with the articles bought, — it is (strictly a mercuntil© 
 transaction and we accept. 
 
 Shaver. — Now in my opinion the best thing for us to do is to give 
 Gorilla a dinner in the name of tho inhabitants of Si»l"<hville. We 
 <jan easily get off four hundred tickets. 1, for my -art, will take 
 twenty to give away. I suppose each of you will do the same. 
 
 Chorus. — Yes. 
 
 Shaver. — The Grand Valise will send a deputation of fifty or sixty, 
 —there are at least the same number of butchers who will come. 
 We can catch three or four lawyers who have been waiting to see how 
 the cat jumps with the b»it of judgeships soon to become vacant. 
 Tou can each ^humbug a friend into going, and then the herd of 
 {(olitical instruments, office holders, and parliamentary backs will fill 
 tip the re({uired number. In £ngland they will never know thai 
 
Mr. Moffatt is only a tavern-kecpar, Mr. McKenzie a shoemaker and 
 Mr. Anderson a tailor. You will have so to manage thu», men of the 
 same naaies as our principal citizens receive the tickets you give away. 
 Do you understand ? 
 
 Chorus. — Yes. 
 
 Shaver. — Then the ministerial journals can dilate upon the re- 
 spectability of the audience. We shall have ♦he military, the staff, 
 John Thorn to talk on his one subject, The Volunteers. MoQuihie 
 to electrify the audience (if before the cloth be ramovecl he be not 
 overcome ly his feelings) with bursts of that Celtic eloquence which 
 ignores the past, abuses the present, and illamines with floods of glorv 
 the future. 
 
 Chorus. — Bravo. 
 
 Shaver. — Remember, Gorilla expects every man to do his duty. 
 
 C%orj*». — Hurrah! 
 
 Exeunt omnes. 
 
 Act IV.— Scene IV. 
 
 PxnsoNAOES. — Messrs. Hurry and Skurry, members of the Bar* 
 newly admitted ; Tom Sharp, Abednego Nutmeg, students at Law. 
 
 (^Courtroom.) 
 
 Harry. — Well, Tom, what news this morning? 
 
 Sharp. — Nothing particular, except that Chimpanzee boxed 
 Bouncer^s ears in Notre Dame Street, yesterday, and knocked off poor 
 iittle Sapajou's cocked hat. 
 
 Abednego, -^Vf&\\, I k?,lklate Chimpanzee s almighty smart ; he ain't 
 DO smaU locr of a chap ; he's so cussed imperent too, but its all elong 
 o' that nose and chin of his'n, he can't help hisself. Ainy orittor 
 with such a nose and chin must be iinp^isnt or he'd bust. 
 
 ^kurry — Well, I tell you what I'm not going to let Champanzeo's 
 nose and chin boat me out of the field. To-day, when the ooQ|fi^ 
 oomes in, I'll bet you a V thaj; I go on the bench and smite Bouncer 
 on the right ohoek, Sapojou on the left, ornament old Lushing Atc(^ 
 ^oi's vbage with a burnt cork, orown old Bagwig with brovn pap<^r| 
 and they'll all go on their knees to me, beg my pardon, ask me to oip^ 
 
 |i I' 
 
^an3,_What, you have written a son^ 
 
 ^Aarp-Come along old fellow, let us have it. 
 
 Nufmeg.~Yes, grate it out old boss. 
 
 ^ W^.- Well, as you're all so pressing, here goes. 
 
 THE CONTEMPTIBLE CASE. 
 
 To the Tune of " Fi fumfiddU de d^e.- 
 
 I. 
 
 Oreat Bouncer sat down in his .tate arm chair 
 
 ^ n fum fiddle de deo. 
 
 His vjsago w«s wnnklM and mottl'd with care 
 H.8 whiskers were draggi'd and so was his hair 
 And he look'd very like what a polar bea' 
 
 ^ouldlookwenstirr'dwirhapo:einhLjair 
 By some lover of venerie. 
 
 II. 
 
 His n>olings indignant had just effervesc'd 
 
 J^'i fum fiddle de d^-e ; 
 Hedii -d T. IC P , -iu . 
 
 Hed«worn,hnthe'dWVh.si,.s.,,„te,.cst ' 
 -nila nnd e.ew tnon had he.rfly bI...M ' 
 
 As viperH and fool., the must pcM'lont „.st 
 J'A-er seen in this c untrie. 
 
 " '^^' ^"'•' ^- 'J^'termind. he angrily cried, 
 ^ *'fu»i fiddle de dee, 
 
 lo make an example of any who tried 
 
 Ihe Curt or its mem!,ers t'abuso or backslide 
 
 Twould end in a figale de dec 
 
8 
 
 IV. 
 
 Great Bouncer came down from his grand chair of state^ 
 
 Fi fum fiddle de dee, 
 And entered his chamber not quite so irate, 
 Then swell'd out his chest as he thought of the fate 
 Which hung o'er poor Tommy's impertinent pate, 
 And said to himself ah m >n cher pas si b^te 
 To show that one's plucky 'tis never too late 
 In this frigid North countree< 
 
 V. 
 
 Great Bouncer next day, when he sat in his chair^ 
 
 Fi fum fiddle de dee, 
 With visage serene and unmark'd by a care, 
 With whi-kers arrang'd and with well order'd hair, 
 No longer resembling a great polar bear, 
 Thus ore rotundo but funky in air, 
 Proclaimed publicly. 
 
 vr, 
 
 I thought on this matter when I'd become cool, , 
 
 Fi fum fiddle de dee, 
 And I've made up my mind now to issue a rule. 
 On 'i'ommy to show how an insolent mule 
 Like he, could induce me to be such a fool 
 As shewn in this tourney. 
 
 (Curtain falla.) 
 
f state. 
 
 te 
 
 I