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NEW YORK CHARLES SCRIBNER & CO. 1871 Property of the Library University of Waterloo TT^ J />7 QD More than a year ago Mrs. Jerningham put fortli to le world the experiences of her early married Hfe. Afr. Jerningham also kept a diary ; and extracts therefVom are |ven in the following pages. As they refer to the relations Ifctween husband and wife, their mutual action and re-action 45on each other, it is believed they will be of interest to the ^neral public— especially to all who have entered into, or are about to enter into, the holy estate of matrimony. ; li •? I wm JOHN JERNINGHAM^S JOURNAL. j^A/rr I. A ri.iANr form, a [)rctty face, An airy, fairy, laughing thing, That moved about with careless grace, Like little bird on active wing — A sort of human buttertly, Now going far, now hovering nigh ; Yet still, while Hitting here and there And smiling, noddhig, talking fast, So sweet her smile, so gay her air, You turned to watch her as she passed ; And watching, found her pleasant look The fairest page in Niituie's book. ^ 8 JOHN JEKALXG HAM'S JOURNAL. John Jcrniiighain, don't be a fool .' — More weigluy matters claim your thought, Attend to business, as you ought ! Confound the thing ! Neglect your rule — To give to work your working hours, To concentrate your ablest i)owers On money, prices, shares, and stocks, — Because a girl with golden locks And scarcely yet escaj)ed from school, Possessed a smiling, pretty face And moved about with airy grace ! / I A strong man swimming up the stream Must strike out bold, and never flinch ! No day is this to muse and dream ; — The stoutest dare not give an inch ! For times are hard, and money's tight, And banks as sure as is our own Will have a rather stiffish fight — And which shall stand, or fall, alone ? JOHN JEKxYI.XGIL IM\S JO L 'A\\\ I L. And \vc have beop ino^t madly sold By agents of our liouse, in S[)ain, Who, for waste I'aper, ilrew our gold, Unmindful too, of coming strain ; A set of fools, with no more nous Than he who truni; s his partner's are !- And yet, forsoth, they hav';> the face To think them useful lo the house! 'Tis sad, indeed, if house depends Upon short-sighted, stu[)id friends; For stupid friends hit doubly hard — They take a fellow otf his guard ! In truth, I have enough to do And where to turn I scarce can tell ; — Nought but a struggle pulls us through ! — They saia her name is Rosa Bell. w lO yOHN JERNINGHAM\S JOURNAL. \i ,\ !| 'f No matter, though, whate'cr her name, Or where she goes, or whence she came ! How many a house, that had been thought As certain as tlie Three Per Cents, Has by the sudden blast been caught ! And sore surprise, and sad laments, And dire distress attend its fall. Such ruin lays full many low. Who can't recover from the blow; Who rashly, madly, ventured all ! On business-men 'tis hard enough, But they can bear it, so to speak, They take the smooth and take the rough ; But oh ! the old, the young, the weak. My heart is wrung for these ! — for these, Who drain the sorrow to its lees ! ''! JOHN JERNIN GUAM'S JOURXAL. II 'Tis not to them a business strife, But serious throw for death or life, And every * panic' has its share Of 'dead and wounded,' here or there ! The * money-market,' ' stocks,' and ' shares,' And 'steady,' 'falh'ng,' 'strong' or 'weak,'- Ah ! who can tell the hopes, the cares These simple words to thousands speak ! And so it must be still while gold 1 o measure wealth its place shall hold. Why, John, what is the matter, man ?- Give way like this I never can ! — In every place, go where I will That smiling face pursues me still ! Though many pretty girls I know There ne'er was one thai served me so! wmm ^ I t 12 JO /IN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. How can it be? — 'Tis too absurd! — I will not bear it on my word ! Come, let us take the thing in hand — Let's look the matter in the face, High time it is to understand The bearings of so strange a case ! I meet a little smiling girl. In years, indeed, she's but a child, And might have found a priceless pearl ! — Such nonsense drives one almost wild 1 For truly, I have not much doubt This pretty girl's a silly chit ; I should not fliil to find it out If 1 could study her a bit. — When work is slack, and I am free I'll go again— I '11 go and see. When this rough time is tided o'er I'll run away from town once more. — JOHN JER XING HAM'S JOURNAL. 13 I half engaged, indeed, to spend My holiday with that old friend, VVIiere first the pretty girl I met, \Vhose pleasant laughter haunts me yet. i f ■i ^ !. !| i M % H \ H yOI/N JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. The fear is gone, the pressure past, And I can freely breathe again ! A strain like this, it could not last Or man could never bear the strain ! "'i /ell ! we, and others, held our own. By Jove ! how near were we let in ! And if the danger had been known The danger had still greater been. If we had foiled then others fell, I thought of that and did my best, And what I did — it answered well ! 'Tis over now ! and I can rest. JOHN JERNINGIIAM'S JOURNAL, IS A private letter. Oh, I see — Yes, I might take my holiday, There is not much to hinder me ; And Johnson writes a line to say, He and his wife expect me down When I can get a^vay from town. Ah, I remember! — I had meant On their kind help to throw myself \\'hen I was, for a time, intent On studying that little elf Who in my brains would tlit about, Till weightier matters drove her out. For my hard work has gained the day ; And still hard work must be my lot.- But surely [ might get away, So I will go — why should I not ? '^TT- %6 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. > i' 1 1 I! I'll take the Johnsons at their word, Have country air and exercise ; — Then I shall see, too, how absurd It was to let the laughing eyes And flitting form of that young girl Put all my senses in a whirl ! Ah ! this is good ! I draw it in, A full, long, breath of pure, fresh air ! To stay in town would be a sin ! Why is not country everywhere ? This pure, fresh air it is so fine, It brightens cheek, and lip, and eye, A draught of dear old Nature's wine, And we can never drain it dry! r r JOHX JERXL\GILL\rS JOURNAL, 17 A long-drawn breath expands the cliest And makes the freshened pulses beat, It lulls excited nerves to rest, And puts a man upon his feet ! Happy the swains with rustic health, Who care not how the ' stocks ' may go, Rich in their very scorn of wealth! — Iiut yet, perchance, a little slow ! Oh I if I only had the pow'r On breezy down, in shady wood, To spend my every waking hour ! — I really don't believe I should ! li 11 For though I'm glad to get away. With nothing in the world to do. And find the first a pleasant day, I weary in a day or two. j8 "JOHN JERNJNGHAAPS JOURNAL. I hope they'll send my letters down, When free from business what is life ! — • I got the latest news in Town, And brought some fish for Johnson's wife. I rise betimes, and go downstairs So liglit of step, so void of cares, And hungry too ! A freshness in the country air Makes farmers relish plainer fare Than townsfolk do ! Where are the papers? What's the news? They ' don't see much except Reviews,* And ' read them through' ! ! They only have one post a day ! — The office too so far away — How can they do ! J '^OIIN JERNINGIIAM'S JOURNAL, 19 I don't deny your rightful wealth Is that whicli keeps a man in health, Food — corn — and that ; But people surely ought to know How shares and money-market go, 'Buoyant' or 'flat'!— Yet, after all, why, what arc stocks When you compare them with the flocks That graze around ? We cannot live except we eat. We get our bread, we get our meat From off the ground. There's good and ill in every case — This bracing air at least is charming ! — Johnson is wedded to the jilace And prides himself ui)on his flirming. Hf I 20 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. We took a ramble, looked at stores Of hay and corn — a ])leasant sight, We passed the morning out of doors And came in with an appetite. How tranquil Johnson's daily course !— Of crops how learnedly he talks ! (I wonder where he bought that horse?) We have good rides, or famous walks — Of country air he gets his fill, And what a breather up that hill ! To him no anxious times, no care, Nothing to take him unaware, Nothing to vex him or to worry, 4 No eager dread, no fear, no flurry ! A country life's the life to live, And country air the air to give Muscle and bone ! 1 % nil z. JOHN JERXINGIIAM'S JOURNAL. 21 Our flithers may have thought of tliis ! — The country would not be amiss Ere Town was known ! If our whole island were a town, Old England's glory would come down, For pluck and strength Want early hours, and wholesome air, And simple, good, substantial fare. Or fail at length ! w^ ,1 ' ! hi l!' '! i ■( 22 yOILV JERNINGHAM'S JOl/RNAL. 1 find it getting rather slow, — I thought it would be when I came ! Town has so much that's fresh to show. But here — 'tis day by day the same ! Well, it is wonderful and strange In country life, what people see ! I cannot do without a change, The City is the place for me. Now, as you walk along a street There's always something new to meet; But here it is so blank and tame, • The wood, the river — ^just the same ! ill JOHN "JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 23 The same high liills, the same low meads ! A shift of wind bec(»Mies a boon. — Vet J: I l! 26 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. I'm glad I've seen her once again, For now I understand the charm That kept her image in my brain, And filled me with a strange alarm. — 'Tis that her beauty, barely ripe. Made her stand forward as the type Of what is sweet, and fair, and good, In early opening womanhood. She makes me think of Joan of Arc And fair Godiva, both in one ! — Grace Darling, in her fragile bark. Did but what this fair girl had done Had she belonged to such a grade — And been, too, somewhat stouter made ! Are there not strange affinities That permeate all time and space ? Some, in me old divinities Embodiment of them can trace. — LUk. B JOHN JERNINGHAAPS JOURNAL. 27 'Tis said that Nature makes a pair, And twofold life is everywhere. — Where dwells the one who could to me A sort of second-being be ? A dinner-party ! What a bore ! Now Johnson miglit have spared me that ! And I have told him o'er and o'er I much prefer a quiet chat ! I can't escape, at any rate; — I should have got away, indeed But did not know until too late ! — Nor can I an engagement plead ! m I scarcely yet had ceased to fume, But smoothed my brow, and calmed my air, And having reached the drawing-room, Found — Rosa, and her father, there. :m% w^ 1 ^ \''» 28 JOI/JV JERNING HAM'S JOURNAL. And me to him they introduce, I hear they call him Major Bell, — A tall, old man, both neat and spruce — A sort of antiquated swell. He had not much, indeed, to say, Answered with yeses, and with noes, And so I quickly got away And went and stood by little Rose. And little Rose looks up and smiles, And seems to brighten when I come ! — Is she a witch with artful wiles ? — What can have made me almost dumb ? i:i And yet it would be well to speak. To utter something smart and gay, And bring the dimple to her cheek — But all my words had tied away ! JOHN JERKING HAM'S JOURNAL. 29 The dinner — like too many such, You had not room to move your arms, Your neighbour you must ahnost touch — For me these crowds possess no charms. Some that give (;linners seem to tliink. More than the tables fairly seat Will fill up pleasure to the brink ! — Their own good wishes they defeat. Crowds at a race are very well, But not at dinner, or at ball. — A married man took Rosa ?>ell. And I — took no one in at all. w: w m 'ii 30 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. It 'i They played at croquet on the lawn — I stopped awhile to watch the game, I thought it very poor and tame, And turned to leave them, with a yawn ! — But Rosa Bell then stood by me, And chattered gaily as she stood ; 3>efore she went I got to see A game at croquet might be good ! She asked me if I did not play, And volunteered the rules to teach ; But I replied, I could not stay. Which surely was a stupid speech ; — Especially as I remained Upon the ground at least an hour ! — I felt my footsteps were restrained By some unknown, resistless power ! JOHN JERNINGHAiWS JOURXAL. 31 I watched her play — she i)laycd it well, And knocked the painted balls about, Her eyes were bright With true delight When to her some advantage fell ; She gave a merry little shout At putting others to the rout !— When she was ' home ' and once more free She came again and talked to me. >ii I liked the laughter in her eyes, I liked the glow of exercise Upon her cheek ; and, as she play'd Her feet a pretty [)icture made, They are such dainty, tripping feet ! — But language there has made a sli[), For feet like hers would never trip^ They're far too clever, and too neat 1 :i •m 32 70HJV JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. Her beauty conies out very well When you can catch it in repose At church we fronted Major IJell, — And next to him, his daughter, Rose. As on her:cheek the lashes rest, I think I like that style the best ; But when I see her earnest eyes In them a heaven of beauty lies ! So pure are they ' that from their ray Dark Vice would turn abashed away.' I almost thought to-day to trace A sort of young-Madonna face ! All undeveloped, giving scope For much of fancy, as of hope, Dependent for its fashioning On what the coming years may bring. f! JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 33 An Archery-meeting ; would I go ? I would. — It is a fine old sport — You think of Robin Hood, you know, And William Tell — and all, in short, Who drew, without a miss or flaw, A longer bow than novf we draw. ¥ \ m Toxopholites degenerate To me they seemed, that merry band ; They mostly were effeminate, And did not strive to understand. I could not praise their skill at all, Scarce one among them aimed to touch ; The shafts at random seemed to fall — The bull's-eye did not suffer much ! ^'^ ■T^TIi in ■' it! : >i 34 yO/IN JERNINGHAArS JOURNAL. The girls, though, made a pleasant chatter, And wore a pretty dress of green ; They thought their failure did not matter — And lliat fair creature was their queen. The arrows wildly went astray, And some fell wide, and some fell shorf; ; — > It is not mastered in a day, This fine, old, noble English sport ! They could not hit the centre blot With careless aim and idle hands ; — And Johnson says the safest spot Is always — where the target stands. The shooting was absurdly bad — I rathei liked their fancy dress — And they were all as gay and glad As if it were a great success ! ! i JOHN yERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 35 So, on the whole, I don't repine At having g(jne — it was as well — 'Twas all that offered — and — in fine, I saw again fiiir Rosa Bell. And when that pretty maid I see In drawing-room, or field, or wood. She talks most ])leasantly to me — For which I think her very good. ■ 11 "ill 11 She talks to me — yes, that's the fact — My speech her i)resence drives away- With strange stupidity attacked I cannot find a word to say ! But she likes well enough to chat. — Why, John, what can you be about, To let a little girl like that Put all your senses to the rout ! 36 JOHN JEKNING HAM'S JOURNAL. i I! The pleasant days will hurry on ; Why can't we make the moments stay? And I, alas ! must soon be gone — How quickly comes that wretched day ! )^i It is not good to dwell alone — So God, who did our nature plan, To whom our every want is known, Said of the first, the new-made man. The lions pair, the eagles mate. The birds build nests in hedge and tree.- *Tis vain to fight against one's fate ! — I wonder if she'd marry me ? JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 37 I do not know which way to ask, I have no notion how to woo ; It cannot be a pleasant task — But others manage to get through. Oh, she is very beautiful ! Would I could call her all my own ! A loving wife, and dutiful ! — I cannot bear to live alone ! I'm fairly caught ! — I cannot tell How much I love this pretty Rose I My hopes I quell, and ring their knell, Unless I venture to propose ! *Love when 'tis true needs not the aid Of sigh nor oaths to make it known ; And, to convince the cruel' st maid Lovers should use their love alone. h P I S 1 ill J.f. l\ fflil 38 yOI/JV JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. ii'.i. So SecUey says.— If this is all Love, of himself, must make it plain. — How will the lime of parting fall ? — And shall I ever come again ? Oh, for some happy hour and chance To tell her all that's in my mind, Some lonely walk, some rustic dance ! — I think she would not prove unkind ! -iiJiltL'4. JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 39 '{J V I'll The thing is over, it is done ! I've staked the stake — but have I won ? — I have not spoken as I meant, In sooth, I am but half content ; I could not all my passion tell, For I proposed to — Major Bell ! It happened we were left alone, I thou^jht the Major sounded me ; I therefore made my wishes known. And now await my destiny ! — Her father took my offer well ; Of course, 'twas not for him to tell How she might feel ; but in his air Was something to forbid despair. — He must have meant me to 'propose, — But what about dear little Rose ? - ^ 'm 1% -.,i!, ► if ? mw 40 yOI/N JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. % t • '11 i He was too smooth and too polite — I like a fellow out-of-hand ! I fear I have not acted right, To speak to one so smooth and bland. — But it is over ! — Nor to-day Can I see Rose, for she's away ; To-morrow morning I must go, The Major says, my fate to know. Oh ! Time, how senseless is the one Who represents you taking flight ! For me you neither fly nor run. You lamely limp along to-night ! — How can I sleep, how can I rest With all this anxious doubt oppressed ? — For if she should not smile on me — She always smiles, meet when we may — Let this a haj^py omen be ! — My ecstasy I cannot say. If she, my tender litde dove. Accepts, and can return my love ! JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 4t She is so fair, so sweet, so good. And I — as happy as a boy ! I have been running in the wood, I climbed a tree for very joy ! I shouted till the woods replied, I shouted then at their reply ; I could have halloo' d till I died, For who so gay, so glad as I !- s,mi If if I've said at last what was to say, And now I hold the darling's word 1 Oh ! quickly dawn thou brightest day That brings me home my little bird !- m H Ji rW .19 I 42 JOHN JERNINC HAM'S JOURNAL. I found her looking very sweet, And half in blushes, half in tears, As if afraid my love to meet — And so I strove to calm her fears ; And told what she already knew, And waited till she answered me ; — But when they came her words were frw, And checked by maiden modesty. 1 " i 1 ''' 1 ! 1 || \ ^ '• \ :' ■ i i ■i ' i 1 ■ 1 I liked her better in this guise Than had she smiled as first she did ; I sought to see her angel eyes. But they were veiled by downcast lid. A sweeter Rose is this than she Of whom we read — the (iardener's daughter, Whom Juliet sent the man to see — And he no sooner saw than sought her. j^m^ JOHN JERNING HAM'S JOURNAL. Johnson declares he's very glad, And Johnson's wife looked pleased and sly ; — They'd surely set nie down for mad If they but knew how pleased am I ! 43 Hi' I feel my happy hear*- expand, My symi^athies go out to all ! — There's not a being in the land But I could now a brother call ! For she is mine ! Dear, blushing Rose, That scarcely could her answer give ! — And mine the earnest hope, God knows. To guard this treasure while I live I .%\ ^^^ nA ■■"l If ill Ikn 44 JOHN JERNINGHAAPS JOURNAL. I'm back at work — again in Town, How different my coming life ! I little thought, when I went down, To look about and get a wife. Of changes time is very full — How seldom can we much foresee — Whilst by his horns I took the bull, Upon his horns the bull took me ! Are there not hidden mysteries Our foresight mocking, and our sense ? How frequent are the histories Where seeming chance is Providence ! Oh ! it is very sweet to own I live not in myself alone 1 — Ill JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL, 45 Her happy life is wrapped in mine, And pulse for pulse and breath for breath, So close shall love our lives entwine We two are only one till death ! — And after death 'tis ours to be Together in Eternity. Her face no longer haurN me here, ^\'ith mocking smiles for ever near, Or peeps from unexpected nooks When I am busy with my books. Down in my heart of hearts she livc^. And cheery warmth and strength she gives ! For all my being is astir With thoughts and hopes tliat spring from her ! m 5 The rapture of the parting kiss ! — I held her to my throbbing heart, And took that sweet foretaste of bliss !- It made it worth the while to part. f\ \\ ipini I 46 JOHN J'LRNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. ])Ut lovers who must part for years, Who go across the dreary seas, What anguish in their faUing tears ! — Ah ! from my soul I pity these. ii > They part, and dare not hope to meet, Or hope, and find their hope is vain ; — No joy for them, the woe to cheat. No pleasure to outweigh the pain ! I:-! I;- i |! ,*;! I had, before I came away, An interview with Major Bell ; ' He seemed to have a hand to play — I do not like him over well. In open field you have the right To make good running when you can ; The Major's grasp is very tight — Poor chances for a weakly man ! — JOHN JERNING HAM'S JOURNAL. 47 Unlike her father, darling Rose ! Her generous nature is her own ; Her every look and word disclose No guile, no art, to her is known !- :if 41 Like parent stem becomes the flower, Sparrow like sparrow seems to be, But man receives a richer dower In infinite variety. How seldom find we form and face Another face and form repeat ! — I love the difference to trace When passing through the crowded street ; ,f i 1 And every differing face and form Its differing life and nature bears ; — Knew we the laws, no sudden storm In man would take us unawares. h '.Mil ■il 48 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. Oh ! quickly dawn thou happy *.]ay When I shall call this angel, wife ! With her my own, come then what may, There must be sunshine in my life 1 ! *;!i I have a cosy little nest Fit for my bird, my sweetest Rose ; — • I think the people did their best Its pretty fittings to dispose. \\'\ |i:! J. knew not half so much before Of carpets, curtains, poles, and rings ;- I used to deem it once a bore To hear about such trivial things. But now — for Rose — no pains too great, No cares too small, that give her pleasure I- I like to stand and contemplate This casket for my valued treasure. JOHN JERNTXGIIAM'S JOURNAL. 49 Oh ! happy cla:y, conic soon, conic soon, When darling Rosa will be mine ! — I'm longing for the honeymoon ! I mean to take her up the Rhine. 'All thoughts, all passions, all delights, Whatever stirs this mortal frame, All are but ministers of Love And feed his sacred flame.' ■I i And high, indeed, his flame will mount, And scatter brightness on the way, When I have nothing more to count To reach my wedding-day ! -.1 X I weary of that wretched train ! So many journeys to and fro ! Always to go and come again ! — The very porters seem to know ! \ 11 f ! J 1 I' j K II 50 JOHN JERNING HAM'S JOURNAL. And now, wlicncvcr 1 run down, So fully is she occui)ied With mantle, bonnet, skirt or gown, That I am almost thrust c ! ! ■ But should 'not holy marriage be A greater thought than handsome dress !- These trifles hold her back from me — They seem to make her love me less. li I envy flounce and furbelov And trimming, veils, and gioves, and lace ;- They occui)y her more, I trow. Than can be good in such a case. When Adam woke and saw his Eve, And loved his helpmeet, pure and fair, No fuss like this arose to grieve And come between the happy pair ! JOHN JERNIXGHAM'S JOURNAL. $1 But now the wedding — which we know As Hfe-long tie of heart to heart Has dress, and gaiety, and sliow To constitute its chiefest part ! ,••'. J^o matter ; it will bring about A time that can for all atone ; For when the wedding-bells ring out, I Sliced away — and not alone ! 1 took her down a pretty set Of pearls, for my pure pearl to wear- I think I see her smiling yet ! — I hope they '11 suit a girl so fair. On them she looked with loving eyes, Delighted was she with my choice, And me she kissed in glad surprise ! — It made my inmost heart rejoice ! ,1 I H-m WWW' ■!i ■ 52 yOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. The day at last is drawing near, The day for which I long have sighed j I pant with joy, I pant with fear — I go to claim my lovely bride ! l\\ t.jto.jtn-1 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 53 \W PART IL Bound by the tie of man and wife- Whatever troubles may befall — 'Tis ours to know that fullest life Where each to each is all in all. — My darling Rose, my gentle dove, I cannot tell my happiness In knowing I have gained thy love ; Nor all my gratitude express To think that I am one with thee — That through the change of coming years We two are one — and cannot be Alone again in hoi)es or fears ! And may we, as we forward go Together, and together still, The holiest, purest pleasure know, The brightest phase of life fulfil ! ' n r I , w- mrr dill' 54 yOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. Again I see my blushing bride Before the altar, at my side ; Her gentle air, her timid look. When I her slender finger took And placed the ring ! I gave my troth To love and cheri: ner till death. And she pledged hers ; and there to both The priest our several duties read. — 1 did not freely draw my breath Till it was done, and we were wed ! I' f For I had felt it far too dear. Too sweet a draught for me to sip, Thought some ill fate would interfere And snatch the cup when at my lip j — Nor could I drive away this dread rill she was mine, and fairly wed ! The wedding guests, the bridesmaids there, That seemed our happiness to share. ^y4 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 55 They fluttered round her, and she stood A Queen amid the graceful throng, A thousand times more choice and good Than any maiden sung in song ! A pretty scene ! — A happy day, Which still to hapi)ier days led on ! — But I was glad to get away And with my darling wife be gone. *(!• 1 \ ) .u Ifw 56 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL, My wife's remarks are very droll,— And then, the questions that she asks ! Are they from ignorance ? — or soul, And genius?— 77/^/ has many masks ! It strikes me she is little taudit — No matter, she is very sweet ; 'Twas not a learned wife I sought, I.ove will all other teachers beat. I could not have a hai)i)icr task Than her light studies to direct, — To every question she can ask A ready answer die'll expect ! Her mind is like an opening flower, And I shall be the Zeph)r bland, 'il JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 57 To breathe thereon with quickening power, And make the tender leaves expand. And she will catch the hue, the tone. That ever nearest she shall find, And thus become still more my own. For we shall be but one in mind ! A growing fear possesses nie, An anxious thought distresses me ! — 'Tis but a look, a tone, an air. And yet I wonder what is there ! — Is it a cloud that's creeping u[) ? A dash of bitter in the cup ? The ' little rift within the lute' ? The ' pitted speck in garnered fruit ' ? Yet if I ask me what ? or why ? No ready words give quick reply. — t A V'i I! I- 58 /OHN JERNINGHAiWS JOURNAL. *Tis vague alarm, 'tis coward fear ; It will not open summons hear, But hiding, slyly throws a dart • With careful aim ?t tender part. A kind of want, a sort of care Will hang about her unaware — As though her inner being pined For some great good it fails to find ! — A little matter, very slight, I cannot grasp it, though I see. — It floats about, it hides the light. It makes some moments dull to me ! Would I possessed a potent charm ! — But is she ill ? — a new alarm ! — I questioned her, she hung her head ; She only wanted change, she said. If this the wrong, we must away ! — Back came her smiles, and she was gay. JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 59 She wanted change ! With change opl)re^:sed, I should have thought she wanted rest ! And so I hastily took fright At what a journey will put right ! My little wife is singing gaily ; She loves to sing, and laugh, and chatter ; We move about, we're moving daily, And there is nothing now the matter. And she is charmed with all she sees, And everything to her is new, The merest trifles serve to please, The child exclaims at every view 1 h. WW ,! I 60 JOHN JEKNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. And many a question puts to me, And mine is all her strange delight ! — It is a something grand to see A little wife so glad and bright ! 1 : ,'1 it j- 1 I 1 ' . Ir, in And still how readily she'll look For information and for news, As if I were a clever book Which she delighted to peruse ! And her intelligence is great ! — The richest ground, though lying fallow !- I wonder by what freak of fate Her learning chanced to be so shallow ? But though she's quick, and sweet and fair The charm of charms — all else above — It fills my heart, it revels there — That I possess her fullest love ! El nil JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 6l That all her being turns to mine ; That growing hkcr, side by side, We shall together, cloud or shine, * From happy years to happier glide.' Now comes another little fear To enter in and nestle here, But I, without the least delay, Drive this ill-favoured sprite away. — I would not have the slightest slur, The slightest censure, passed on her ! ■■ 1 I do not want her like a prude ! — Why will this whispering fear intrude ? I might be rather glad to see Her manner just a shade less free. — 62 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. Not that she means to be too bold, No, Rosa flee from blame I hold ! It is the present style and tone, — I do not think it good, I own. My mother, now — those times are past, Manners and fashions will not last. Girls have become a little fast ! To copy mothers would be slow ! Still there are things should never go ; And womanly reserve — the nice And ready instinct, thwarting vice — Is one of them. I love to see The outworks held by modesty ; The quick alarm that seems to tell You cannot storm the citadel ! I do not blame my dearest Rose, It is the way the fashion goes. And against fashion how convince ? But I confess it makes me wince JOHN JERNLWGILLWS JOURNAL. 63 To see my wife so freely chat ^Vith strangers at hotels, and that. — That I'Venchnian, first, on board the boat- But he is only one to (juote — It was presuming when th" man At once to talk to Rose beuan ! She should have known the i)ro[)er way To keep such insolence at bay ! She might have checked him with a look. And quietly have been polite ; She laughed at his mistakes, and took The greatest pains to put him right ! And seemed about as i)leased as he, And was, I thought, almost too free ! i I do not wish my wife to fetter, But more reserve would please me bette) If she were less accessible. Her spirits more repressible, A something there, a sort of grace, To make all people know their place ( '4\ 64 "JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. She's so attractive, and so fair, Men turn to watch her everywhere, — And she is pleased because they stare ! Were I a woman, now, I think From such attention I should shrink. She means no harm, but, to my taste, This confidence is much misplaced. The code she goes by seems to be — With men be at your ease, and free ; Love where you love, and treat the others As if they were your friends and brothers 1 <^ <; JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 65 At home ! — A very charming word Has home become to me, So sweet, its like was never lieard In days of hberty. There's one to watch my coming home, To meet me with a smile ; In truth, I have no need to roam My leisure to beguile. But breakfast over, I'm away, And only back to dine. — I wonder how she spends the day, To what her tastes incline ? ; . H. i! I fgJ 66 JOHN JERNINGilAiWS JOURNAL. I almost envy her, indeed, — So much as she might do ! — There are so many things to -ead, I scarce can look them through. ajiis s 11'! But I my d. 'y must not shirk Nor do my duty ill, For now I've double cause to work, And work with double will. To have a second life that lives For you, and you alone. Repeats your pleasures, and it gives A greater of itS own ! — I do believe Rose scarcely reads A Paper or Review; She'd rather work a mat with beads Than look a column through ; JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 67 She'd rather play a silly dance That has so little in it, Than give to matters of tinance. Or politics, a minute ! — Well, never mind, she's very sweet And ver}^ dear to me ! I love to watch her, bright, and neat. At dinner and at tea. And when she pours me out my tea, The tea it is so good ! — It never was like this to me In days of bach'lorhood ! I often take another cup, To have her pour it out, And sip, and drink it slowly uj), And keep the things about. — w III ifi 68 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. And when I have to say good bye, I tear myself away. — My business over, back I fly, Without the least delay ! JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. My wife's first ball to-morrow night, And she is wild with gay delight, And occupied about her dress, Which she would have a grand success !- I hope my friends will take to her — But that they cannot fail to do — That she's most winning, I aver. And then she is so pretty too ! 69 II : III ^ I must not have her dance too much, I cannot let her waltz at all. I ventured on my views to touch When we were talking of the ball. — Though some may say I'm too precise, I have the right to draw a line ;— I do not think round dances nice — At least for Rosa, now she's mine. 5 Br-s >. X' m 70 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. The ball is over ! Would to Heaven I had not taken Rosa there ! This horrid pain so roughly given, And not one jot she seems to care ! Before she went her evening dress Annoyed me — cut by far too low, I strove to make the evil less, — Without a scarf she should not go ! And she was almost in a passion, She did not like to put it on, — But this is not a point of fashion, — She took it oft' when I was gone I JOHN JERNINGHAAfS JOURNAL. 71 Now Lady Graime is most refined, Such dressing would her taste offend, And I had always set my mind On having her for Rosa's friend. ri^K' L 1 felt inclined to stoj) away — And now I truly wish we had ! But Rosa counted on the day, — I did not like to make her sad. Beside, I never should have guessed She can't be trusted out of sii JOHN "JERXINGIIAM'S JOURXAL. She does not love me! Oh, the |)an"- 'I'he thriUing aii^i^iii.^Ii of tliat ihoiij^^ht !- Knvcnomed hitc ofdadly fang !— It is with madness fraught ! 1 spoke to her. — I would not let Our mutual life drag on in pain ! A word to her 1 hoped would set The matter right —make peace again. I deemed it but a lingering haze That hung between, and hid the light- rhis blown away, our future davs ^^'ouId, like our former ones, be briiiht. ]W ffr 82 JOHN JERNIXG HAM'S JOURNAL. I talked to her of love and truth, Of patience and forbearance too- I said her ignorance — her youth, Should yield to one who better knew. I tried to paint the happy life That could l)e led alone by those AV'ho, in the tie of man and wife, Considered duties that arose. — She answered like a silly child, Trying to make a childish joke ; At this I felt provoked and wild — It was with i)uri)ose that I spoke. But suddenly there came the thought She docs not love me, for she knows No sympathy with me I — T sought To prove me wrong, and ijucstioned Rose. 4m- JOHN JERXIXGILLWS JOURNAL. For if she loved me, soon or late Would all come right, no matter when ; Thirsting at once to know my fate, I asked her if she loved me then. — ^l And did she love me ?— No reply ! — Sharp answers stab ! hard words may kill ! lUit silence to this (juestion ! — \\'hy. It is intensity of ill ! To be my wife she would not come Without some answering love for me ?- The stilly silence struck me dumb, I could not fail its drift to see ! And did she dare the future stake, Unloving come to share my life, And calmly, coldly undertake The holy duties of a wife I V: A % x^' Ij) ill 84 JOHN J ERN INGHAM'S JOURNAL, V I IP Then as the truth shone boldly out On other wrong its light it threvv,- Her father brought the thing about ! And was not 1 imprudent too? Tor charmed by figi'-c and by face I read therein the good I wanted, Caugb.t by her witchery and grace, Her love I almost took for Lnanted, ( \ V But now I understand ! — Poor Rose, From blame her weakness is not free I — The best, perchance, among her beaux, Her father made her marry me. We boast our daughters have a choice. Yet many a daughter is but sold, And seems to give consenting voice, — The greatest cheat performed for gold ! JOHN JERXTNG HAM'S JOURXAL. 8S I've met wltli marrying mammas, Tlicir clever plotting have detected ; Afatch-making schemes among papas, This heartless work I ne'er siisj)ected ! The want that struck me, this explains— vShe sees her future cold and blank ; Wives without love are slaves in chains. And husbands hear the fetters clank ! Iflp^' 86 JOHN JERNLXG HAM'S JOURNAL. uM- How roiild 1 wed a giddy wife Whose tastes must ever clasli with mine ! And cast my liappiness for life An offering at her l)eaiity's shrine ! 1 cannot sucli disgrace endure As that she made me l)ear last night ; I scarcely even feel secure, With her behavior free and liady Cinu me And then, together, h , nome we came Home ! Is it any home to me, Or is there any hope in life, ^^'hen all my happiness I see Intrusted to a tlirtinu wife? 90 JOIiX JKhWIXG HAM'S JO CRN A L. I (lid not s|)i\'ik ns Ikh k wc drove, I could not trust niysclf to speak, My aiiL^er for the mastery strove At tlioiiglit of lier iiiiiiiodest freak. - Yet with my i)assions in a stir 1 soiiuht to make excuse for her. She is hut youni;, she does not know How (juick tlie world will ill impute ; My duty it should be to show, And save her from this hitter fruit. If she could love me more discreet That love would make her. — Ah I to meet This fond assurance in her eyes, And fmd her henceforth good and wise ! I grieve that we are kept ai)art ! — I longed to take her to my heart ! My just vexation I repressed — No evil thought had she in mind. jonx jf:Rx/\G/f.L\rs jourxal. (,. Ilcr < hil(li>li Lfiddincss trans-^ii'sscd — I strii^'glid to bo calm and kind. J found her in her drcssiiiLr <:o\vn — A\'itli all her golden hair let down, And uat( hed her while she brushed her Iiair, And wished she was as good as fair ! I asked her if she ever Uiinks — From serious ([uesti(jns Rosa shrirks, And the more earnest I ma)- be The more ridiculous is she — ■ She ' thouL(ht she'd liked to give a ball,' And ' not to be reproved at all.' I was determined, and I spoke Of all the cares and hopes of life, And would not let a silly joke Prevent my duty to my wife ; }X 11 IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) 1.0 I.I 1.25 m m IIIII15 itt 111112.2 2.0 1.8 1.4 1.6 VQ <^ /2 'c^l e. ^2 /: y /A Hiotographic Sciences Corporation 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580 (716) 872-4503 t^ L* £?. I T'fwmm 92 yOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. Eii Ijl I 3- ii But all across the grain it went, For still on mocking was she bent, And said, with saucy-glancing eyes, She'd rather far be fair than wise ! And begged while young to be but gay. And like a merry kitten play. — Her mockery some time I stood And tried to speak to her for good ; But she, with answers vain and light. And still disposed to play the fool. My rallied patience put to flight, And I was neither kind nor cool ! I thought of all the galling shame That she so lately made me bear — I thought of my long-honored name — And of the friends that saw her there, And passed her conduct in review — And as I thought my anger grew ! Then I declared she should not be With any man or men so free ; JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 93 Betraying all my holy trust, Forgetful of her marriage von', Trailing my honor in the dust, And bringing shame upon her brow !— • Why did she blush, that man to meet ? I a'^ked. How did she dare to flirt ? — With levity she strove to treat The matter, giving answer pert. But I insisted on reply — Without reply I would not go, And though she then began to cry, Where she had met that man I'd know ! r said she should not pass the door Till she had answered me, and told Where she had met that man before ! At length — when she had grown less bold- She ' met him at Sir James's ball, ' — Of course, she did ! — 'Where else, beside ? *- She did not know. — ' Where else ?' I cried. And then, 'Ah ! nowhere else at all.' — ■ '1^ \ ^|->', P' WW 94 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. She did not tell the truth, I know ! I said, ' You've told a lie, I fear ! ' — I waited not excuse to hear ! — From bad to worse thus matters go — My anger great ! — And wider grows The breach I vainly sought to close 1 Vii il I JOHN J-ERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 95 PART III. Away ! away ! — across tlie sea ! Away, alone ! — pursued by Care ! Away from home, if home it be ! — Far, far away ! — no mattci- where ! To find our idols made of clay ! To find our fondest hopes deceived ! — She, whom I thought as clear as day ! She, whom I trusted and believed ! How could I love so frail a thing ! How could I see great promise there !— The more the hope the sharper sting If hope gives place to blank despair ! If ! il ' '^^ ? i i 96 "JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. One wretched day when I returned That Cai)tain by her side I found ! My righteous anger fiercely burned ! I could have struck him to the ground ! He had presumed to call on her, And she received him, though alone, — I vainly hoped she would defer To me ; although my wish was known. Her hair was hanging all astray — She made excuse, she ' was asleep' — I see her as I saw that day ! — I scarcely could my temper keep ! I said, * There must be some mistake' — I strove to seem polite and cool — * Calls gentlemen did never make When I was out ' — for such our rule. m JOHN JERNINGHAIyPS JOURNAL. Fitz-Maiirice tried to talk, I know, I did not heed him, what he meant — I'd have no words — I bade liim go — I showed the door, and then he went. 97 He went ! — and there my erring wife Confessed the many wrongs she'd done. That was the moment in my Hfe That had not either hope or sun ! For, so her revelations ran, Not only had she let him call. But bad been flirting with this man Since she first met him at the ball. — She said, she wandered out alone The day that followed on that dance. Of indoor life so weary grown — And she had met him there by chance ; y ..Ha 98 JOHN JERAINGHAM'S JOURNAL. ii if Had met him in a public walk Where she had unattended gone ; Had let him stay with her and talk— And so her dreadful tale went on. She found her lonely hours were dull — Was glad wl^^n he had called before- Some tem[)ting pleasure sought to cull— And met him still, outside the door. M. m At home, alone, she could not stay, With nothing that she liked to do — Not only did she disobey. But she had uttered falsehood too ; — Had lied to me from fear, she said, Had tried before to tell the truth— She did not like the days she led, She wanted pleasure in her youth ; m JOHN J ERN INGHAM'S JOURNAL. 99 And must gad out, and tlirt, and chat — Such was her happiness in Hfe ! — My heart stoi)ped beating ! — Then, was that The woman I had made my wife ! Was that my beautiful ideal Whom I had worshii)ped, loved, believed ! And was there nothing true or real, — Was all my trusting love deceived ! My blood surged back ! — In rage and pain Some hurried, angry words I spoke ; Said, I could ne'er believe again, Or trust her — and away I broke. With bitter thoughts I paced my room ! I knew not how the hours went past, Till in the midst of darkest gloom One brighter gleam broke in at last. 1:' i iii..., 100 JOHN JERNING HAM'S JOURNAL. I would away ! — When far from her I might again be strong and brave ! — W. once I acted on the spur This sudden resohition gave. Our house had ill accounts received From Spain, and some one needs must go I'd take the duty ! — 1 believed It would divert me from my woe. To office, therefore, down I went And said that I would go to Spain — And all the day attention lent While this affliir was put in train. All the long day, through business hours, I recognized a two-fold mind. The one exerting usual pow'rs The other holding back behind, ^m JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURXAL. loi About that dreadful tale to lurk ! — Like watch on rescued bodv found Which, syni[)athetic, stoi)i)ed its work And marks tlie time the man was drowned. So it had stopi)ed, stopped at the minute When she her revelation made, And blankly viewt;d the horrors in it, Nor saw a chance of coming aid. — I felt that I could cry aloud, Could shout till all the city heard ; That I could tell the startled crowd There was no fai^i in human word ! No trust in oath, in holiest bond, No surety anywhere on earth ! — That they must look this world beyond For truth and honor, faith and worth !- \\m] I 1 102 yO//X JERX/XGHAM'S JOURXAL. And still the busy day sped on, And still I did my duty there, And wished the weary nours were gone That I might give nie to des[)air ! — My hope is lost, my life is wrecked ! — I strike ui)on a hidden rock Where nought of danger I suspect — Nor know it till I feel the shock ! \lh t But girls when trained to flirt, and catch The wealthiest man that takes the bait. Will, after they have made the match, Flirt on for pastime, tempting fate. And wives who love not ere they wed How like they are to go astray. To be by each false light misled, To wander from the safer way. — JOHN JERNINGIIAM'S JOURXAL. 101 If she admires a dasliing beau How could she wed a man hke me ? — If time for ut; once more miirht How I'd keep from all this turmoil free ! iif i'' 104 yOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. A letter from Sir James, to say, They take my wife with them to stay. Now this is very good indeed ; This is a friend, a friend m need !-^~- It has removed an anxious care To know tliat she is shekered there !— They do me a most friendly turn, For I so hurriedly took flight I left it all to him !— I'll write, And thank him for liis kind concern. i JOHN JERNINGILUrS JOURNAL. 105 Three weary months ! Oh ! who shall tell The sickening weight of woe they bore ! The constant sense of loneliness, The want of all beheld no more, The yearning of the secret soul That shrank from every scene of mirth, The vacant eye, the heedless ear, The aching void, the bosom's dearth ! Three long, long months, and day by day A canker i)reying on the heart ! The gnawing tooth of memory, The form of her from whom I part. Without— no thing but beauty there, Within- -a sense of drear)- cold To bind each happier impulse down. And freeze the spirit by its liold ! 5* III io6 ^OHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. ( ! h Three trailing montlis ! and through their course This changeless load of care and gloom, This living death, this dying life — The festive board is like a tomb. The brightest sunshine seems but chill, A murky mist the lightest air, The bridal peal a passing knell. And hope itself is like despair ! :ii JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. 107 I'm back again ! I wrote to say They might expect me back to-day, And that I hoped my wife would be Home in our house to welcome me. Oh, how I longed to see her face ! — And how I dreaded, too, to trace Some sign of reticence and care To doom me still to dark despair — To i)rove I had a rival there ? I never felt such qualms before ! I hardly dared to pass the door, And when I saw her in the room I was afraid to meet my doom ! — I knew not what to say or do, I did not venture to be fond — » .i II f lo8 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. Oh ! is she faithful ? Is slie true ? Or must I evermore despond ? i wm Like simple friends, alas ! we met — She did not seem to feel regret, Nor did she say that she was glad To see me back — I wish she had ! — Some slight remark about the train, And we were silent once again. — She scarcely even looked at me, And then she poured me out some tea, And then we spoke of Lady (irxme — But still the talk reluctant came ; For she was frightened and constrained, And I was sorely grieved and pained. ! \ JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. IOC What have I done to frighten Rose ? — She must have thought me most severe !- She cannot love me ! — All she shows Is sad restraint and childish fear. I was half mad that wretched day ! — I feel I acted much amiss To rush so savagely away ; — I know not how to tell her this ! It was but giddiness and youth Brought that about which made me go !- I'm now convinced she spoke the truth, And let me all her trespass know. 11 i ']' 'f no JOHN JERNINGHAM\S JOURNAL. . -V In her sweet eyes there dwells a look Of almost angel innocence, I read her soul as 'twere a book : I take some little comfort hence ; — The wretched man that drew her on, For him, at least, she did not care — She only wanted to be gone With anybody, anywhere. But yet her conduct was not nice, Nor nice the fruit from seed she's sown !- Sir James came here to give advice, — He'd better leave the thing alone ! He undertook to lecture me ! And told me to amuse my wife, To let her run about and see The Town, and lead a merry lif<:' ! JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. His grand array I strove to rout, But still he would the attack renew, And so at last I turned him out — And then I felt more sorry, too ! For he and 1 were firmest friends. Now, also, I am in his debt. — 1 know not how to make amends — I scarcely can forgive him yet ! How could he come and dare advise. And tell me what I ought to do ! My wife's behavior criticise. And preach about her beauty too I III How dare he tell me she is vain, — And my unkindness then infer, And say her love I should retain If 1 would stoop to flatter her ! — % »->ti ! 112 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. % V \- ' I found my wife was seated there I — Tliis makes the matte: quite absurd ! — Rosa was resting in a chair And all this conversation heard ! But people have a right to prate, And we must be content to hear — O ! how the whole affair I hate That makes them talk and interfere ! That made me rush away to Si)ain, And my poor wife afraid of me ; And keeps us when I come again As distant as we well can be. Her father forced from her — consent, But could not force her feelings too !- And bitterly must I repent That he my hasty offer drew ! JOHN JERNING HAM'S JOURNAL. I felt convinced he sounded nic : — ]^>ut when our motives i)ure we know, Froni dread too nice we might be free, And trust to time our truth to show. TT.3 His was a most unworthy part To sacrifice his daughter's hfe, To give her hand without a heart, And make her in but name a wife ! Yet if for much of love you plead, The world will talk about romance Position is the thing to heed ; Affection— that may come by chance. Love-matches— they are held in scorn ! The best that offers you should take ! And some poor daughters seem but born To try a wealthy match to make ! \m 114 70//N JERNINGIIAM'S JOURNAL. ! I Poor Rosa sj^okc to me to-night And said she wishes to do right, And she desires to please me too, If 1 will tell her what to do. I do believe she seeks the good — I said I'd help her if I could — But while my hopes were springing up, She quickly dashed away the cup ! For having seriously begun. Off at a tangent she must run, And talk such nonsense with such gk^e, I found she'd made a fool of me ! She had the shocking taste to say There is in doing wrong a charm — She makes me wonder every day She has not come to greater harm ! JOHN JI'^RNINGHAyrs JOURNAL. She is so giddy and so vain, From comment 1 could not refrain.— She refuge in her beauty took, And tried to conquer hy a look ; I'his made me say in angry tone I did not care for looks alone, She might as well cast pearls to swine As angle thus for love of mine ; For looks give promise, which she breaks— And still by looks again re-makes. How cruel was the wrong she did, Pretending love she could not feel ; DoWn in my soul the wound lies hid, Too deep, alas ! for time to heal ! 115 if Ii6 'JOHN JERNINGHAiWS JOURNAL. V" ^ i I danced with her to-night — a waltz — A foolish thing it was to do, It made me feel how i)Oor and false The life we lead ; for as I flew Around with Rosa in my arms, The creature whom I love so much, Her hai)py smiles, her youthful channs. The gay delight of step and touch Bewildered me, and made the measure A most enthralling, maddening pleasure ! Of course, it is not etiquette — One's own dear wife — I know 'twas wrong To dance with Rose to-night — but yet Excuses which I make are strong. — JOHN JERNLXGIIAM'S JOURXAL. 117 A ball there was at Mrs. Payne'- And I had taken Rosa there, For gladly would I make the chains Less heavy, which my wife must wear ; — And as she loves to gad about I feel I ought to take her out. A waltz was forming, and the band Struck up a most inviting strain — A doorway watching as I stand, I see her enter there again ; And with her comes the empty fop With whom she vexed me much before, And by his side she would not stop, She left him just within the door. He sought to lead her to the dance, But she repulsed his vain advance. She left him and she crossed to me, Ul)on my arm she i)laced her hand, ij ii8 JOHN JERNLXG HAM'S JOURNAL. And I was pleased at this degree Of wifely trust — and half unmanned, — And knowing how she loves the dance, I put my arm about her waist, And mid the couples we advance. — T did it thoughtlessly, in haste ; 'Twas very foolish on my part, It woke such longing in my heart ! iJHh: V ' The waltz itself it was not !)ad ; To dance with her was best of all, She looked so happy and so glad, She tliought it an enchanting ball ! — What ecstasy I felt to-night ! To dance with Rosa is delightful ! Though some might wonder at the sight, And that poor man be vexed and spiteful To see her pleased though she discards Captain Fitz-Maurice, of the Guards. JOHN JERNINGHA.WS JOURNAL 119 Dear Rosa twitted me to day With my performance at the ball; And, in reply, what could I say ? I scarce could answer her at all ! — She does not love, and caniiot know Of inly-bleeding wounds, the woe ! — My disappointed life drags on ; A breathing image at its side ! ATy early hope of joy is gone — A faultless statue for a bride !— - One look of love that beamed on me Would better than all beauty be ! I20 JOHN JERNINGHAAVS JOURNAL. \ iii . One time I was iiifonned by Rose — To some extent I own 'tis true — That if to marry her I chose, I ought to make her happy too. — We've nought in common in our hves, Our tastes and interests never blend ! I've ordered broughams for her drives, Unless she goes with some kind friend, P'or I am many hours away And she is lonely in the day. She, in herself, has few resources, Nothing to occujiy her mind. — If girls went through severer courses Of study, would it leave behind A something to fall back upon ? A love of deep ai: J earnest books, m JOHN JERNINGH.Urs JOURNAL, 121 Now that the old regime is gone Which made them— housewives, doctors, cooks ?— She has so little but her beaucy ! I scarcely know what I can do — I'm anxious to perform my duty — I'd ' make her hapi)y' if I knew ! ]Uit she is frightened ! I was hard And harsh with her !— so said Sir James. I've latterly been on my guard. I fully recognise her claims. — It was before I went to Spain ; If those dark days came once again I would be gentler ! She should see Her faults and her I separate ; But she has grown afraid of me — My good intentions come too late ! 122 JOHN JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. I'M % I 1 V ■ { Able to hold a pen once more ! — But many months have passed away Since 1 an entry made before, And now how much I have to say ! And all I say is glad and bright, For all the wrong has turned to right 1 I well remember that sad life When Rose and I were kept apart, But now my loving little wife Is one with me in hand and heart ! I've won my wife ! — I know not how !- But nothing's sad or gloomy now 1 There was a weary time of pain -And heavily the days went by, JOHN JERNINGILUrS JOURNAL. 123 I seemed to doze and wake again, And lay in bed I knew not why ; — At times I did not know or care What ha])pened then, or wlio was there. Until one evening I awoke And saw dear Rosa near the bed. I gazed upon the sun, and spoke, Remarking it was very red. And then she came and looked at me, And something, when she looks, I see ! VVHiat was it in her glorious eyes Had taken up its residence ? — It filled me, first, with strange surprise, And then, with happiness intense, For while I looked I read aright — 'Twas love for me that gave their light I r «ji III ■V I' I 1 t 124 yO//N JERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. Oh ! hai)py days in my sick room When this glad news had been received ! It banished care, it banished gloom — In pain itself I scarce believed, For I could think of nothing then But love — that came I know not when ! And oh ! the rapture of the kiss She laid upon my thirsty lips ! It was the essence of all bliss. It tingled to my finger-tips ! — Its taste from hope it did not borrow. For it was joy come out of sorrow ! And then she told me all the tale, That I had long been very ill — And still her fears for me prevail, She says I must be careful still — And when they brought me home, she said, At first the doctors thought me dead. /:"r JOHN JERNING HAM'S JOURNAL. 125 And now she will not let me talk — She always liked to talk to me ! — And when I lirst essayed to walk, My efforts she was scared to see. — She strives to be the sternest nurse That ever made a patient worse ! I love the serious, sober way In which she would command assume, I love her simple dress of grey "Which does not rustle in the room. Ikit to be stern ! — she cannot do it ! Her gentleness comes smiling tlu-ough it ! They tell me — but all that I knew — When passing by, in neighboring street, A child had fallen, and I flew To save him from the horses' feet. This I remembered very well, And one thing more they could not tell. •if v^- t , 126 yOHN JERNIXGHAM'S JOURNAL. That when on level of my eyes Those horses' ugly hoofs I see Immense ones are they, thrice the size Of any hoofs beheld by me ! Some reason for the fact I sought, And this became my latest thought. Vi t', 1! W\ ■ i'l tuj-; fli Then was a time not all a blank, For I was conscious of distress ; From movement and from noise I shrank, I suffered dreadful weariness, But scarcely knew what passed around — Or how I got from off the ground. That dancing paper on the wall — I think that paper I'll remove — I could not add it up at all. Or if I did it would not prove ! I hate a pattern which will go Diagonally to and fro ! 1 lii '• '\ ■ 1 1 .; JOHN JERNINGHAAPS JOURNAL. A clock there was that struck the hour, And seemed to strike them all the same, And, somehow, had a sort of povv'r To make them strike a person's name.— That name in one sweet cadence fell, And it was always— Rosa Bell. 127 From all these troubles, vague and true, I woke to find dear Rosa mine ! And were the thing again to do I'd do it, and would not repine ! Better the sickness o'er and o'er. Than lead the life we led before I 4. 128 yOf/N JER.VINGHAM'S JO URN AL- IA 114 it I ll-il I told my darling wife to-day Of all the trouble and the pain In that dark time, now far away, When love could find no love again ; — Of all those hard and bitter days. When we were pulling different ways ; And all my grief, long unassuaged, And the internal war that raged Taking my heart for battle-ground And leaving harder than it found. — She looked at me with loving eyes. But in those eyes were tears as well, And more of sorrow than surprise ; I kissed the tears before they fell ! — What joy when undivided life Is led by loving man and wife ! ', |! 1 JOHN JERNINGHA^^S JOURNAL, 129 At work again, and well and strong, And hai)py as the day is long ! — And rather long it seemed at first ,To be away from dearest Rose, I'd been so petted and so nursed — But men must work — for so it goes, And even with my charming wife I should not like an idle life. Some pleasant drives were those we liad- And Rose admired my appetite ! One's convalescence is not bad With all around you gay and bright. This joyful thing, too, happened there — Sir James came up to speak to me 6* 130 JOHN JERNINGHAAPS JOURNAL. I Hi ! I? . <» Wlicn I was propped in easy chair ; — He said he was quite glad to sec That I was getting round at last — And thus our little feud blew past ; He shook me warmly by the hand — We both regretted friendship broken, And each could other understand As if a thousand words were spoken. The Medico, with solemn look, Said, he must give me to the cook. Why will some stupid men refuse With cheerful air to tell good news ? One would have thought the undertaker Was hinted at, and not the baker ! Dear Rosa read aloud to me — The City article, and stocks She would attempt, but I could see She knows far more of gowns and frocks. •i 1 1 JOHN JERXIXGIIAM'S JOURXAf.. lUit .sometimes, though, she'd rather ehat, And I did not object to that, And learned to understand her ways Much better than in former days. 131 My wife has taken to her books. And works with energy and zeal ; 1 must not have her spoil her looks. Nor let her work her roses steal. Her studies may be very well, But on her health they must not tell. I took her home some pretty birds And much attached to them she grew ; She talks to them in broken words And they chirj) back as if they knew ! I find she's very fond of pets — Great pleasure from the things she gets. ■■■ it J I if I I 'i If mil; 1 ' ( ' ' if 1 . •1^ « I l'< - > ,32 76>//yV JERNINGHAAPS JOURNAL, She told me she had felt it hard To leave the country, and- the air, We've made a garden in the yard — I doubt if it will llourish there ; She's proud enough, though, of her flow'rs — And then she ha« such lonely hours ! What made her love me ? Who can tell ! — It is a source of wonder still ! She could not love when I was well And grew to love when I was ill. What could it be ? — I cannot think ! And yet from asking her I shrink. What made her love me ? — Can it be Her love was by my love begot ? Could it be anything in me ? Or good in her ? What was it ! What ' — Whate'er it was, I'm ha[)py so, And need not greatly care to know ! JOHN JERNIXGIIA.WS JOURNAL. 133 The birds and flowers are in dancrcr ! — V^y an expected little stranger Who some fine morning comes to town They'll find themselves at once put down !- Of Rose I take tiie greatest care, She must have exercise and air ; Dear Lady Grajme is very nice And gives her matronly advice. — I think I'll hide her books away And bring them out r^ome other day — Yes, I nuist see to that i.ideed, T cannot let dear Rosa read, — But yet we must not rashly thw:^.rt her. — And will it be a son, or daughter? ESI 134 70//^' TERNINGHAM'S JOURNAL. !• When Rosa took to lovino: me I'm sure we then were both acrreed No greater happiness could be And that of nought beside we'd need. But now we very plainly see We then were only half content And what we wanted, we agree, Was but the baby that is sent. I lb Rose she is a new-found toy, And Rose is once again a child ! — She would have rather had a boy She said, — but then the baby smiled, Or if she did noc smile we took l"\)r smiling (hat most funny look — JOHN JERXrXGnAM\S JOURNAL. And I am sure Rose would not cliantrc her For any other little stranger ! '35 She is to me a droll set out ! I scarcely know what I'm about When her fond mother makes me ' take hor,'- I'd almost rather 'take' a pill, For fear to pieces I should shake her, Or do her some tremendous ill ! 136 JOHN JERNINGlLUrS JOUKXAL. Ih y pi m ■'■' M ii k ■ ; ■ h H' PI III WHiat great responsibilities Attach to this my new condition ! I look with due civilities On 'Woman's Rights,' and 'Woman's Mission ;' And 'Women's Property;' and laws For giving them consideration ; — There surely ought to be a clause That they should govern all the nation ! II ; M P'or women always govern men ; And then, beside, — we have a queen ; And — lady-doctors, too ; and then, — - We know that \v omen's wits are keen. JOHN JERNINGHAM^S JOURNAL. And now they're all to be so skilled, Boys will be beaten by a head !~ But, in whatever they are drilled, Pray teach them this before they wed \— That loi'clcss marriage is a crime, That//>-/'///ell Shall train this pretty nestling dove. The system surely has been sha[jed To lead to misery and sin ! I feel I narrowly escaped A (juagmire sucking many in. m : . That time of agony in S[)ain ? — Though smooth at last the troubled water Those stormy days must still remain, — Her work not such, my little daughter ! No ; though I may be much derided, I'll have my way with this, my own, And on one point I am decided — Afy babe shall wed for love alone ! ~f' : 4 i ■ Es' i JOHX JERNINGILUrS JOURNAL. Nor sliall this second Rosa be A flirt, whatever else they make her ! Rather than have her that, I'd see— The baby-farmer come and take lier ! We will not care for gain and greed, Though sought by greatest in the land !— iJut, as her inclinations lead So goes my little daughter's hand ! 139 We have authority for this And let us copy from above ; — And may that marriage end in bliss, The fruit alone of mutual love !