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The following diagrams illustrate the method: Les cartes, pisnches, tableaux, etc., peuvent etre film^s i des taux de reduction diff^rents. Lorsque le document est trop grand pour etre reproduit en un seul clichii, il est film^ d partir de Tangle sup^rieur gauche, de gauche A droite, et de haut en bas, en prenant le nombre d'images n^cessaire, Les diagrammes suivants illustrent la mAthode. 1 2 3 J2X 1 2 3 4 5 6 ]\ WJ MARK TWAIN "S MEMOEAJs^DA. FAOJ/ rifli GALAX) TORONTO : WM. W.VKWICK. 1-TIBT.1.-^JI1.:k. 1«71, Tin: h\ii V Ti:r,i:(:i!Ai'ii riiisriNr. imrsi; ('M;m:|; kinc ,\s|, |;^v st.s. /.inf, f tivfly, iniv^tv,'. Mtal)illi j,'i\-(.'n ( Tills (L siiiiiilo reward 111 cxiijuis of birt^ — in ii briylit ; Ali tlie Pat made t( subliini Avorlcs. t In disscrta tributin comprei comiiosi Ant ment of and also seed to i subject { Sue] witlx ifid magazine incnt of I tX. 1 Koports-'. MAMK I'^FAIN'S 3[E3[OI{AX])A. I :iNr T PLO JD TJ C! T O P{,-5r . This defect it .hail ,. ,., .,,,,., ,, , ; f. ^;;^;^f ^^ ^^ ^•SncnU,.e. In t'lis (tt.']);ll-L;ii('!]i i.f iiiiii,. f],,. ,,„i.i: exhaustivostatstiel.l,!..sL :". I:, ''' '' ^'r" '^'^ "P-m iinuing of birtlus and deaths the • "' ' •"'"" "^ ''"^ "'•"^^'•^' ^''« ^'^'^^ i:;:^.;'.:^ t::r "^ "' "■" -" ^-— >.'.'".t;:;;L;^■.:;- comi-osing. ^ "*^ ^'^' ''"'^'•■^^'" *" "«'"'I> the credit of .nd also oo,nplot: in.tn.;;;,.':;;; t ^1; :t.en fl Ir^t* T^*^' seed to the liarrowing of the n.atured cro I sh ' , ^"f '"^' "^ *'^" subject of Acrricultiire tl.nf u-in ^\ 7 *^"'""' ''' ^""^^''^^ '»*« the J u .-i^ucultiut that will surprise and delight the world 'Together with salary. tN. R— No other magazine in the country makes 'i s.„.,.;.,lf ,. r *i ., Keports. ■^ '^^^ .isiKnalty of the Patent Office MAUK TWAINS MKMOUAXDA. In tlio utliLV (le|.,-irtuuiits of tliu inaguzine will be foiiud poetry, tiiloH. Hiul (ither frothy trilh-s, iiiul to tl th LI' tiiosi! tlio re.'ulor can turn tor reliixation from tiuiv to time, and llii.s iruanl a-ainst ovorstraininy tlie powers of liis mind. MAiiK Twain. i\ S.-- 1. I liave nut sold out of tlie " liullalo Express," and shall not ; iii'itlier shall I stop wridnu,' for it. Tliis remark .seems necessary in a Jmsine.ss point, of view. 2. The.'-.o Mkmo1!AN|ia a?e not a "Inimorous" department. T would n;.t conoetiy, or iiiteiiiatinnal law, and I shall do it. It will be of .small consei|U( iic;> i.> uir whetlier the reader survives rless mood, so long as the uidiaekneved subject of internatiomtl law is open to me. I will leave all that straining to people wild edit professediN and inexor;ibly " humorous " d pailmeiits and imbliealiins. ;!. 1 have elioseii tlie gi neral title < f Mio.mokanda foi' this department liccuise it is plain and .simple, and makes no fraudulent promi,-es. I can print under it si.atistics hotel arrivals, or anything th'it comes handy, without violating faith with the reader. 1. Puns cannot be allowed a place in this depai'tment. Inoll'ensive ignorance, benignant stui)idity, unostentatious ind>ccility will always be chocrfidly accorded a corner, and even the feeblest humour will be admitted, wb.en we can do no better; but no eircumstancvs, howev( r di.-;n;il, will over be considered a sullieient excuse for the admis.-jon of tliat last and Haddest evidence of intellectual jioverry, the Pun. M, 'l\ THE FACTS IX THE CASE OF THE (iREAT HEEF CDNTU.M'T. !n as fev.' words as pos-nblo I wisli to lay befor.' the nation what share, howsoever small, I have had in thi-; matter--this matter which has so exercised the public mind, engendered :■■!, much ill-feeling, and so lllled the new.spapers .if both continent.:; Avith divforted statements and ex1rav;igant C'imments. The origin .if this distressful thing was this and 1 ;;sse.'t h.-re that every fact in the following /wo//.- can be amply pn.vcd by the oliicial records of the (.'eueral (iovernment : doiiu Wil-ion -■^Li.ckenzie, o.^ iiotterdani. t 'liemung county, Ne'.v .ier.sey, dccea.sed, contracted with the (.'eueral (Jovennaent, .m or about the 10th day of October, l«(jl, to furnish to Ceneral Sherman the sum total <.f thirty barrels of beef. Very well. lie started after Si wlioi he got t'l Washington 81 erman with the lieef, but lernian had gone to .danass; IS betf and followed him there, but arrived too hiti' : he followed 1 he t( th lim to Nash- xiition from liis iiiiiid. Twain. tl simll 111 it ; L'HHiiry ill Ji T would ni)t !• any OIK'. 111(1 HLMisiMo <^ oliligcil to y iiftor (livy. ruiU'iici', or lie nf slIKllI ■ill IU.'VI'1-gO iih.u'kiicyt'd ifiMiiiini,' to iuu'iiis ;iH(l ilopjirtiufiit .'■t's. I c;ui IK'S li.iiidy, liioll'i'iisive .•ihvfiy.s 1)0 ' ;uliiiitti-'d, i.-;in:il, will it last iuid M T. TiJAt"!'. vliiit sh.-iiv, ieli liii:'. So > lillfd tho 'Xlniv;i:f;iiit t li(To tliat .'ial Tcc'ordH c'.v .IiTsey, lU- tlie lOtli d of tliirty ' la'L'f, l)'it L' tonk tlu! Ill to Nasli- MAltK TWAIN's .\| i:.\|.)|( an1).\. 5 viilo and fi...i.. Xashvill. to ( -liattauoo,, and fion. ( , ..f RnttunlaiM, Cl.nn.i.i- cmm.ty, NVw Jcthcv, (Il-cms.-.I, cntiactcKl wilh tlio (ioni>niI (:..vi.>n.i„...,t tu fnn.isl. tu (Uuvva\ Sli.Tniai, tlio aum total of tliirty l>anels of In-cf " Ho Htoppe.l ini> tliL-io, )iii(l Uisiiiisscl me fn.ia I,is pivM. nee- kiiiilly, but firmly. Tlio iioxt day 1 railed en tlu" Sccivtaiv nf State Ho Haid • "Well, Sir/" ' • • • I said : '• Vcur iJoyui Highness : On m- ulx.ut the Kith day of ()ct(d-er UiiJl, .lolm Wilson Maekejizie, of l{..tt.Tdain, Cheniiin- en.nitv.'Xew .lersey' doeoased. eontiMcted with the iivuwix] ( Jovc.ninient to riirnisl, to (Jeneml Wheniian the Hnni total of thirty Lands of lurf " " That will do, 8ir-that will do ; this olliee has nothin- to do with cn- tracfs for 1)eef. " I was Lowed ont. I thon-ht the matter all over, and linailv, the foHow- 111- day, I visited the Seeivtary of the Navy, who sai.l, '• Spc.ak".|!.ie!>Iy, Sir; do not 1(0,-]. lite waifiii','." I said : " Voiir K.>yal I|;;,di;u;ss : On or aL.,-it the tenth day of Oet^.Lcr. IHlJl, .lohn Wilson ;Mael:u);:ie, of IJotterdani, Oheiiinn- eoiiiitv. New Jersey, do- ceased, eontraeted with the (ieneral (Jovorninent to fuiTiish In (.'..neiaj Sher- man Hie sum tt.rai .if tiiirty Larrels of iieef--"" VVell, it wa. as far .vs I eonld -et. //r had nothiii- to do will, luvf eon- tracts for (JoiuTal Sherman either. I Le-an to think it was .a eiiiious kind of »i (Joverinm-nt. It looked somewhat as if they wanted to -et out of payin-' f..r that Leef. The following d ,;, j „-,.„t to the Seerotarv ..f the Interior. I said : " Vonr lin))eria] Mi-liness ; On or idiont the lUth dav of October --" " That is snlUcient, Sir- I have heard of yon bef..re. (Jo^-take your iTifanious beef contract ont of this i-st iLlishnient. The Interi-r Denartment has nothing whatovor to do wiili snLsistenee for the annv." I wont away. ISnt 1 was exasperated now. I said I would haunt them; I would infest every deparims'iit of this inhpiitous (iovernment till that cim- tract business was settled : 1 would collect that bill, or fall, as fell my pre- deccsons, trying. I assailed the Postmastor-aoneral ; 1 boseigod the A<'ri- cultural De])artmont ; 1 waylaid the Speaker f.f th.. House of' Representa- tives. 771.7/ had nothing to do witli army ccmtracts for lieef. I moved upon the Coinmissioner of the Patent Oliice. 1 said : " Your august E.xcollency : On or about—" " Perdition : have you g-,t hrr witii your iticendiary beef contract, at last.' We have ii:>t;>ii,:i to do with beef contracts for the arm v niv dear Sir." " Oh, that is all very well— but Hunivhoilj has got to pay for that beef. It has got to be paid non; too, or I'll coniiscate this old Patent Oftieo and everything in it " " But, my dear Sir—" " It don't make any dirterence. Sir. The Patent (Xlice is liable for that beef, I reckon ; and liable or not liable, the Patent Ofhce has '.mi to i.av for it." MAIIK TWAIN's Mi;Mnli,\\|).\, I, c mtiactod 10 Hum tot;il -kiiully, Imt id : (if ()cti)l.'ur, N'l'w .lorsi'v, to (ii'iioral 10 witll coll- , the fill low - tiiel.Iy, Sir; :;.lii'r. ISlil, •liTscy, 'ii" )oi)a)'tim.'iit aiiiit tliom; 11 tliiit con- (.'11 my j)re- d tliu Agri- lepresonta- loved upon (iiitract, iit y, my dear • that beef. Oftict^ and jlefov that to ]i;iy for .Never mnd .!.. d.^^ta>lH. It ondcd in ., liyht. The IVUcnt ...li,.,. w.-n. ut I found out Homethn.^:; t., my advanta:,^.. J was told th„t the 'IVcasmv Jei.;u.tnu-ntwa.tl.(-i...op..r,.la...fornu,t..,..t,i. I went thorc. I w,,;,..! ..n>:r:;;;:^::,^^^^^^^^^ -■'• '>-"... day of ui: 'iw;:'-'"'''' ''•■• "'-^•"-''"^>- '^. to the, .,..„.,;.., I didsd. ]Io sent wr to lh(. Second Auditor. The Second Vndih.r sent nie to the Third, and th,. Third sent me to the Fir., Con. -tn .; ".•n-r.ee I n-,..on. This l.e.an to look like husiness. He Uamired s books and aUhishiose papers, hut fo,„.d no minute of the l.ef ;:;;;;:: went to the Secmd Complroller of the Corn-ll.ef Divi-uon. fl. examined h^sbool. and hH loose papers, hut with no «u..oss. I ... en.oun ! Dunn, the week ,ot as far as the Sixth (-on.ptroller in that Division : \l ncxtwee ,o thn.u,h the Claims Department ; the third uvek 1 uZ mn e.., .ted the .hslaid Contracts Department, and ,ot a f . „hold in 1 Dead l.eckonu,,^ Department. I lini.hed that in three d:,v.-.. Thmv was .nib- on., place le.t for it m.w. | l.i.l seige to the Connnisiioners of , -H Ends o h,s elerk. rather he .asuot there himself. There weiv si - t'-"l-au ,ful youn,, ladies in tlie roon, wiilin, in book., and there w re seven .-ell-favored youn, clerks showin, them how. Tl.: voun . o s.Md.d up over their shoulders, and the clerks .niled back a. "then: and ent n.erry as a marr.a,.. bell. Two or three clerks that were readin-^ the ne«.,.pers ...kedat me rather Iu.rd, but went on reading, and nobod;s h anjtlnng. However, I had been u.sed to this kind cf alacritv from F. urt Ass.stant..Junu.r (.'lerks all through tny eventful career, f. .the very d v I en..ed the hrst othce of the Corn-Heef .;.^reau clear till I passed . h Wt erne tu he Dead Keekoning Division, f got so aeeon.plLhed bythi ti m Is l! . " f-n.thetn.unent i entered the .iicc till . clerk spoke tome, without changing more tha. two, or n.aybe three tinu.. So I stood there till I had changed four dillVrent times. Then F siid to ••ne of the elerks who was reading ; "Illustrious ^Xgrant, where is the (h-and Turk V" n- TT^f t^'"" "''""' ^''- ^^■^""" ^^" >•"" '"'^••^"•' If v.iu mean the Chief of theBm-eau, he i.s out." " .nno^'Cfl '""\,^'''^''«^"1'"» -« - -1»1^S -Hi then went otx reading his paper. But I knew the ways of those clerks. 1 knew I was safe, if he (.ot ': wh!:^ lt!::Lr''^ be«nishedthen., and then he yawned, and J., " Renowned .and honoured Imbecile : On or about-" on are the beef contract He took them, and for he found the North-Wcst P man. Give me your papers. a long time ransacked his odds and ends. FinalU assage, as T reiran rded it— he found the loni; lost MAIIK TWAIXS Mi;Mu||\Mia. ivcMnl .,(• tl.iif lH...f cnntiact l,i, fuui.u tlif ruck uium which ho n.Lnv f , yotl itjoicoil-fn,- I hfulsmvvc.l. r s.ii.I with c.nti.m, -(Jivo it n.c TIu :;:;::":u;:^::irtr"" "•■"-" - -..m -...■:::•.:;: •'When, is this. John WilsMM Al.ukci./.ic .'" .sai.l he "Demi."' "^.ii'i u. ** When did hudio .'" "Hedi(hrt .lie atall he was killed " "How/" "Toiimhiiwkod." " Who toiiiahiiwked liim '" J<1 Heaven Idess yon, ...y ehihl,.,. - ' '"' ^'''^' '— ^^ '- l-PPy •' I'c It It u,..e a -reat private li.eivantih- instil ntion. ' rea«t)n tfp I) an and the an tlien go of getting i to receive However, ransporta- !. It vuiy •od, if you tliat pur- sed." t certain ! hat beef ; inghter of hy didn't m." AMOCT SMK'LLS. In a recent issne nf the "Independent," the llev T De Wift 'IM instantlv. My friend is n. t tn 1, ,', f '" "'"-''' '-'"^^' '^""''^ «"''-''l J'i'» ^"\e liave reason to believe fh!l^ flu. v.> .,;n i i i • ^i:,*" » ; ■'- ■;' -.-o,:::^!^:::- ,,:i ':, it::: Jp,:;;, ':"■::.; Brew™ juf,,, : * ,:,t :',.;:;« ''t "'t.-'^-"- -'■""'"•«- Doctor; Bl,»t„l, u„,,uo,t,„,ubly^„.e k„„„ that well e„o.,gl,-b„l °,o Ud ket robe" ,;;:^:t L' ^-.1^ ": '^ ::;■:"• ""'■ "■'" " r^ "'■""" ""■- ^» =, grcuna , t,t. .Sebastian witli .scarcely any raiment at 10 MAKK IWAIN's MKAIOKANDA. all— those wo should see, juul should miss a spiko-tuiled coat and kids, and t enjoy seeing tlioni ; but would wo not from the Oriont : " Those iini away regretfully and say to parties Brooklyn." 1 foarmethat in tl lire well enough, but you ought t.j see Talnuiw of age's "good Christian friend." For if ]) Tahn glory of the Throne, and tho k( ^ lin or other laboring man, that "friend" with his 1 le better world wc shall not even have Dr. e were sitting under the eper of the keys admitted a IJenjamin Frank- ne natural powers infi- niteiy augmented by emancipation from hampering flesh, would detect him with a single snoir, and immediately take his hat and ask to be excused To aa outward seeming, the llev. T. De Witt Talmage is of the same niaterial as that used in the construction of his early predecessors in tho min- istry ; and yot one feels that there must be a difference sumowhere between nmand the Savior'.s lirst discip-les. It nay be l,ecause hero, in the nine- teenth century. Dr. T. has had advantages which Paul and" IVter and tho others could not and did not have. There was a lack of polish about them and a looseness of cti(,uette, and a want of exclusivcness, whicli ono cannot help noticing. They hoaled the very beggars, .aul held intercourse with people of a villainous odor every day. U the subject of these remarks had been chosen among tho original Twelve Apostles, ho would not have associa- ted with the rest, because he could not have stood the fishy smell of some otlus comrades who came from an.und the Sea of Galilee. lie would have resigned lus commission with some such remark as he mak<'s in the extiact quoted above : "Master, if thou art going t<, kill tho church i bus with bad smells, I will have nothing t,. dc with this work of evangelization.' He is a disciple, and _ makes that remark to the Master; the only difference is, that lie makes it in the nineteenth instead of the tirst century Is there a choir in Mr. T.'s church > And does it ever occur that they have no better manners than to sing that hymn which is so smrcrestive of laborers and mechanics : °° " Sciii (if th" ('MriK'iitcr : rcmve 'I'liis liuiiiMc uiiik (if mine :" Now, can it be possible that in a handful of conturies the Christian character has fallen away from an imposing heroism that scorned even the stake, the cross, and the axe, to a poor little effeminacy that withers and wilts under an unsavory smell I We are not prepared to' believe so. tlie rev- erend Doctor and his friend to the contrary notwithstandin<' DISGRACEFUL PERSECUTION OF A ROY. In San Francisco, the other day, "a well-dressed boy, on his way to Sunday school, was arrested and thrown into the city prison for stonin.v Chinamen. Wliat a commentary is this'npon human justice ! What bad prominence it gives to our human disposition to tyrannize over the weak » San Francisco has little right to take credit to herself for her treatment of M.VllK TWAIN's MKMOltANDA. would WO not say to jiaities uu Taliuiige of :vou have Dr. y under tlio jamin Frank- powors infi- Id detect liini excused. of the same nsin tlie niiu- here between in tlie nino- oter and tho I about them 1 one cannot rcourse witli remarks liad lii'.ve assdcia- iR'lI of some woidd have 1 tlie extiaet ins with had on. ' He is lifferenco iti, ur tliat they inggestive of 11 le Christian id even the witliers and so, the rev- liis way to for stoning What bad tlie weak ! eatment of this poor boy. W hat had the child's education been I Ilnw should lie sup- pose It was AVTong to stone u Chinaman .' Before we side ayainst him, alon-r witli outraged San Francisco, let us give liim a cliance-let us hear the testi! niony f,.r the defence. He was a " well-dressed " boy, and a Sunday-scliool scholar, and, therefore, the chances are that his parents were intelli-a-nt well-to-do people, with just enough natural villany in their compositions to niake them yearn after the daily papers, and enjoy them ; and so this boy had opportunities t.. learn all through the week how to do riglit, as well as on ,'!''?: ^.* ''•"' "^ *'"^ ''''y t''''-^t he found out that the great commons ealth of California imposes an unlawful mining tax upon Juhn the foreigner, and allows I atrick the foreigner t. dig gold for nothing-probably because the degraded Mongol is at no expense for whiskey, and tlie reliiied Celt cannot exist without it. Tt was in this way tliat he found out that a respectable number of the tax-gatherers-it would be unkind to say all of them-collcct the tax twice, instead of ,.nce ; and that, hu. ich as thev do it solely to discourage Chinese immigration into the mines, it is a thing that is much a,,- plauded, and likewise regarded as being singularly faeetiou.;. It was in this way that he f.mnd out that when a white man robs a sluice-box (bv tlie term white i,an is meant Spaniards, Mexicans, Portuguese, Irisli, lion.lurans, Peinv,,ms, Chileans, etc., etc.), they make him leave the camp : and wh'Mi a Cliinaman does that thing, tliey hang him. It was in this wav that he .ound out tliaf, in many districts of the vast Pacilic coast, .so stnm.^ is the w.1,1, free love of justice in the hearts of the people, that whenever anv secret and mysterious crime is committed, they .say "Let justice be donJ tliougli the heavens fall, and go straightway and swing a Cliinaman " li wa,s^ 1.1 tins way that he f.mnd out that by studying one half of each days '-local items" it would appear that the police of Sa;, Francisco were either asleep or .lead, and by studying the ..ther half it would seem tliat the reporters had g..ne mad with admiration of the eiier-y the vu'tue, the high efiectiveness, an.l the .lare-devil intrepidity°..'f that very ].olice-making exultant mention ..f how " the Are Constitation has made Am ri a an asylum for the poor and oppressed of all nation., and that therefore the poor and oppressed who fly t:, our shelter nn.st not be charged ad^^rbl n. adnnssxon fee, n.ade a law that every Chinaman, npon landing "^^t be racc.,aM npon the wharf, and pay to the State's appointed omco7 ta liar. for tl. serv.ee when there are plenty of doctors in San Francisco who w ol be glad enough to do it for hi,„ for fifty cents. It was in this way tint the resi ea that he had no sorrows that any man was bound to pity • that n ither lus hfe nor his liberty was worth the purchase of a penw when a bewLT W,""'"\\"''^"»'"*' *'''^* ""^''^'y ^--^ Chin menf ob^; bf ended then, nobody spared them suffering when it w,s conv nient o nfl t ^t_; everybody, individuals, communities, the majesty of the State Itself, jomed m hating, abusing, and persecuting these liunfble strL . rr And therefore what coull have been n,ore natural than for this simnv hearted boy, tripping along to Sunday School, with his mind teem ngS fteshly^earned incentives to high and virtuous actions, to say to himseir him." ^""" * ''"'" • "^'"'^ "'^^ ""^^ ^'^^'^ "^'^ .>f I do not stone And for this he was arrested and put in tho city jail. Evervthin- con spared to teach him that it was a high and holy thhig to stoiieT^^l a^ and yet he no sooner attempts to do his duty than he is punished for it-he poorchai, who has been aware all his life that one of the principal eera tions of the police, out towards the Gold Kefinery, was tclook oi i i tran unoffending Chmamen, and make them flee for their lives.* one^J^tZ^ZJ^^'^'^,:'^^^^^^^ thinking just at present of whoVas quietly ;.s.^\w, l" 'e '^ ^'^'i^^^V'''"'",^- * I'^'^'V" '^'-' "" '^ ' -'hina.nan some of the CInuanuvn's teeth daw hi S o^^& Ll a b e!-'" i?' ''" "V"^ Keeping in mind the tuition in the humani> ^es which the entire " Pacific coast gives its youth there is a very sublimity of grotesquene.s in the vir- tuous flourish .-ith which the good city fathers of San Francisco proclaim ^s they have lately done) that ''The police are positively ordered to arrest ChitlnL "''"'' ''"'''*''^ and wherever found, who engage in assaulting Still, let us be truly glad they have made the order, notwithstanding its prominent inconsistemn' • -ind l-^f no 1^-=.^ , .f t; ^i , . „, 1 , „ '-«^^"-3 > -wi ivt us rc3t purfcctty confident the police ai fflad. too lini.iii,.> +,1...... ;_ ._ ..„,„ 1 •! . 1 v/ .. personal peril in arresting bovs. provide they be of the small kind, and the ances just as loyally as ever, or go without iten ■eporiers will have to laud. their perfor •m- 18. The new fc/rui for locfi .MARK TWAIN's MKMORANDA. ) boy fotuul otit 5 in ado America at therefore the I'ged a disabling tiding, must be )fficcrj, dullam Cisco who would is Avay that the 11 was bound to :1 to pity ; that I penny when a lamen, nobody i convenient to y of the Slate ible strangers, for this snnny- d teeming with to himself : I do not stone ^erything coii- e a Chinaman, lied for it— he, ncipal recrea- •ok on in tran- tlieir dogs on t at ])r('.seiit of on a t'hiiiaiiiiin whili' tlie (logs : liy kn icking This iiKiident U-'count of tlic (', ami was not IV ok-iiicnt that itire "Pacific ss in the vir- isco proclaim 3rcd to arrest in assaulting listanding its lie 2)olice .are ys, providoys could ever make that boy out, he acted so strangely. He wouldn't lie, lo natter hou- convenient It wa... He just said it was wrong to lie, and bat was sufficient for bin.. And l,e was so honest that he was .s^n.plv ri'dicu- b us Die curious ways of that Jacob had surpassed evervthiiig. He ^ouldn ph.y marbles on Sunday, he wouldn't rob birds' nests, he wouldn't give hot pennies to oi-gan grinders' monkeys ; he didn't seem to take any nterest m any kind of rational aunisement. So the other boy.s used to t v to reason it out and come to an understanding of him, but they couldn'I .mo at any satisfactory conclusion ; as I said before, they could onlv fio-ure outa sort o vague ulea tliat he was "afflicted," and so they took him under their protection, and never allowed any harm to come to him _ This good little boy read all the Sunday-sclu.ol bnolcs ; thgv were us greatest delight. This was the whole secret of it. He beli ed h the good little boys they put iu the Sunday-school books ; he had every ccmhdence m hem. He longed to come across one of tl^m aliv., ^^ ' the ne...r did. They all died before his time, maybe. Whenever le' that".:' 7'^^'^"^'''' T' ^'^ '''''''' ^^^^ amcklytotheendt s c. hat because o, hnn, because he wanted to travel thousands of miles .^ul gaze ou nnu , but .t uas:i't any use ; tliat good little l,ov always died hi ^^" ^ ?"f""' 7'""" standing around the grave in pantaloons hat .ore too short, and linnets that were too large, and everyb odv cryin. mto handkerchiefs that had as much as a yard and a half of stuff [n tl ei r Hewasahvay. headed olf in this way. He never could see one of t li good little boys, ,m account o? U. always dying in tlie last cli Jacob had a nolle ami wanted to be put in, with jiiictures lapter. ii;>n to bo pu^ in a Sunday-school booi^ lie to his motl ing 1 ler, and she v.etping f ;iy-school boo],. Ho reprc- 'jting him gloi'iou-iy declinino- to II m standing on the '!• joy abeen able to stand it Inn^^ and . r:.ned Inn. to thn.k that if they put hin. n. a l>,.„k he wouldn't eve t^^ o ou, f they dul go the l>ook ..nt before ho died, it wouldn't be popnll; AMt] out any picture of h,.s funeral in the back part „f it. U coul In't b^ jnnch o. a S.nnlay.school l„.ok that couldn't tell Ibout the advic hot o to the c:.nuKuuty wi.en he was dying. So, at last, of c .urse he n.ade Sn^d^ ;-ndtodotUe)>e.t he co„,d under the circun.stanc.s-to live ^th ' a^ h^..aasl,,ngashoe,,n,d,andhavohis dying speech all rea.ly ;Lt But somehow, nothing went right witJi this good litUe boy • „othin.^ ts ntinl • '^^7"-'=^'^^^'^°"-^ tin>e,and the bad boys had the broken .egs hut n his case .ere was a screw loose somewhere, and it all happened ,,ns.1he other way. When he found Jin. IJlake stealing apples and rn under the tree to rea.l to him about the bad litte boy who fell ou :>f a ne I W's apple tree and broke his arm, Jinr fell out .^ the tr^e C^n ,^tl <>nl>nn, and broke /.. ar.n, and Ji,.x wasn't hurt at all. Jacob couldn't understand that. There wasn't anything in the books like it An.l o.ice, whe,i .some bad boys pushed a blind man ov'er in the nuul . nd Jacol, ran o help h.n. up and receive his blessing, the blh.d n.an did noi give hn.x any blessn.g at all, but whacked him over the head with his t^Lk and .said he would ike to catch him shoving li. again and then >r tend n' o help luni np Tins was not in .accordance with a,.y of the books J cob looked them all over to see. " -^'vs. .jacoo One thing Jacob wanted to do was to find a lame dog that hadn't anv place to stay, and was hungry and persecuted, and brhig him ho., e ami n I un. and have tl.at dog's in.perishable gratitude. And It last h ou^ on and M.,s happy ; and ho brought him home and fed him, but when he 7^ Kouig to pet him the dog tiew at him a.ul tore all his clo has off 1dm exclp «.o.sethat ..re in front, and made a spectacle r.i him that was astlshng He examined authorities, but he co.Id not understand the matter.. It was S h same breed of dogs that was in the books, but it acted very diff rlntly Whatever th.s boy did, he got into trouble. The very thin Jthe bovs in he books got rewarded for turned out to ba about the mo t in.ro^i^ .^^^^^ tilings that ho could invest in. "'pioinaoie MAliK TWAIN's .MI;M()|{AM)A t ) )>Q exti'iivii- iiagnanimoiisly 111 aro.ind the il wit!i a lath, eil. Tliat was in a Siiiulay- imc.-i wlioii lie ve, you know, ly-sclioiil-liook iva.s more fatal in flio I)()()k.s I'l it long, and n't ever SL'c it, n't 1)0 popular t couldn't be "icf lio gave to inado nj( his vo right, and lily when his 'oy ; nothing • little boys in vd the broken all happened les, and went it of a neigh- <>, but ho fell Lcol) couldn't in tJio mud, man did not itli his stick n i)retcndin' )oks. Jacob t hadn't any oine and pet e found one, vlien he was F him except astonishing. !r.. It was of dilierently. the boys in unprofitable 15 Once when he was on his way to Sunday school ho saw some bad boys startmgofl pleasuring in a sail-boat. Ho was tilled with consternati.ni be- cause he knew from his reading tliat boys who went sailing on Sunday in- variably got drowned. So he ran out on a raft to warn them, but a log turned with him and slid him into the nver. A man got him out pretty soon, and the doctor pumpo" the water out of him and gave him a fresh start with tlie bellows, but he caught eld and lay sick abed nine weeks But the UK-st unae<.,Hn.table thing ub.uh it was that the bad b.ys iu the boat had agoodtii.ie all .lay, and then roaclie.l home alive and well, in the most sur- prising UKinner. .Jacob lilivens said there was noihii.g like IhcK, ihlvut tlie captain v.a. a c<:aise, vulgar man, and he Kii.l, "Oh that be bh.wed ! tl.uf wasn't any proof that ho knew how to wash .lishcs or handle a slush bucket, and he guessed he .lidn't want him." This was al together the most extra-rdi'iaty thing that had ever happened to Jacol; *i„ all Ins life. A compliment from a teacher, on a tract, had never failed to move the tenderest em<,tionsof ship captains and <.peii tlie way to all otHces ofhom.randprolit in their gift-it never had in any book that ever Ar had read. He could hardly believe his senses. Tlds boy always had a hard time of it. X othing ever came out accord- ing to the authorities with him. At last, one day, when he was around hunting up bad little boys to admonish, he found a lot of them in the old iron foundry fixing up a little joke on fourteen or fifteen dogs, .vhich they had tied together in a long procession and were going to ornament witii empty nitro-glycerine cans mad'> fast to their tails. Jacob's heart was touched. He sat down on one of those cans-for he never minded grease when duty was before him-and ho toc.k hold of the foremost do" by the collar, and turned his approving eye upon wicked Tom Jones. But iust at that moment Alderman McWelter, full of wrath, stepped in. .AH the bad boys ran away ; but Jacob Blivens rose in conscious innocence and be-an one of tho.e stately little Snnday-school-book speeches which alwavs commence with Oh, Sir : in dead opposition to the fact that no boy, good or bad ever starts a remark with " Oh, Sir <" But the Alderman never waited to hear the rest. Ho took Jacob Blivens by the ear and turned lum round, and hit him a whack in the rear with the flat of his hand ; and m an instant that good little boy shot out through the roof and soared away toward the sun, with the fragments of those fifteen dogs stringing after him like the tail of a kite. And there wasn't a sign of that Alderman or that old iron foundry left on the face of the earth • 1() MAItK TWAIN's MKMUUANDA and as fur young Tac.b IJlivcna, ].. never got a clianco t.. nutk. his last .Iviu. Hpcech ai er a 1 lus tn.nblo fixing it u,,, unless ho n.a.le it to the bin s ■ ! cause, although the bulk of him came down all right in a tree-to, in a,. adj.un,ng c.mn y, t^.e .est of hin. was apportioned around in four to. n ii^ and so they had to hold fiveim,nestH on him to lind out whether he was dead or not, and how :t oeenrred. Yon never saw a boy scattered so. Thus perished the good little boy who did the best he could, but didn't come out acccn-drng to the books. rC very boy whoever did as he di.l s pored, except hn... Hi. ease is truly ren.arkable. It will probably ev , aecoinited for. '■ •' "^*'^' "*' iho aged 1 rotessor Silliman took the homely-looking specin.eu of New Jersey coal and s,ud he would n>ake a test and deterud^e lis quality l"e next day the ownc.-s of the grand discovery waited on hin. agi, ea:er hear the verdict winch was to make or mar their fortunes. The p/o J, «ald,^^vJth hat nnpressive solemnity which always marked his mam.er (umt emon, I rnulerstand yon to say that this property is situated upon a Inll-top ..nse,p.ently the situation is pron.inel.t. It is vah a^ - isafailuie. lenceit .n, gentlemen -fence it in, and hold to it thnm-d, good and eviH.n.tnne till the Last Day ; for [ .un convinced that i .• t bos pomt h;om wh ch t- view the sublime spectacle of the lin.l conil ", ^ t.o„. I feel satished that if any part of the eartli shall remaid nniuiuml after that awful lire, it will b. this cod mine of vonr.s : " "nn.|uic.l Just about the cl„.e o, that I,.,,, hard winter/' said the Sunday-school supermtende.it, '■ as 1 ..s wending toward u.y dnties one ]>ri]Iiant Sabbath norning, I ghuiced down ,oward the levee, and there lav the Citv of H^^l ord .-no mistake ab„nt it, there she was, pnfiing and' panting after her l.mgIulgnmagethrom,],th,. ice. A gl.d .i.ht / Well. T should .,, J' And then came a pang, right away, because ! should have to instrnet .snptv benches, sure ; iUo yourgsters w.mld all be oti" welcoming the first steandiat of the season, ^ou can nnngn.e how surprised I was ^vhen 1 opened the door and saw half the benches full : My gratitude was frev. large and sind- I resolved that they sh.mld not find me nnappreciativo I s^i-l • " ' J''".v«> y-" -'UHot think how proud it, makes me to se. vou here, nor what renewe. assurance ,t gives me of your aflbcti ,n. I confess that [ said "'•!'T !: "f , *'^'"" '^ '""^ '''''-' *''^^* ^''^' <-''^y ''f Hartford was iu_, "'Ac.' hut ;.■< ,s/,r, fli,ni;il, .'' ' -And as-iuick as any Hash of lightning, I stood in the presence of empty benches; I han.ron'il.t them the news mv.self." A JoUKXAL has at last been found which excuses the inhumanity of Captain Lyre. Jt is the Tom.xro '.'(.'I„b./' It even .says the Oneida ran IIAKK TWAIN's .MK.MOUANDA. liin liiHt, dyiuresence of inianity of neida ran A COUPLE OP SAD EXPERJENCES. When I published a squib recently in wlnVl. I «n,- 1 i an Agricultural DepartmeA in this m':.",' T 'er V "i'l '""^ '" "''' deceive anybndv I h-id ,.,.f ., ''' '•'•■-'''='"^'' / ^'^'rtamly dul not d.siro to conlidencelithapr c ^ :* r 'l""'"* ''f? *° ''''^ "^"'" -'^--'« degrade the dignii^^'hii.i;; r::t;: 1 :;rr-;r^^^' ^^'"•"" that yo by th-it int-e r , , . "-"""nnig ot tlie Witless invent o«h vaga,:;iyi:;ti;;M ; j^t:^:::^:!":''''' - t-^^y -^---a. or heedless rea.lers • for llZ f '"'^ ""^ "''^'^"'^ ^''''''^'^ 'le^^ert, and planting", ^j .^';:j;j;;';f;"^ :' ^-""Phant ...,. upon a ahotdd slake ike tkl^.t of the 1/ twhoi; /"'";"" ' T^ -^--/'-y'— nntil •:hey .a,., the ,.„.. ,. tc' • Xu^ht t' VV^^r' '^''''^"^ that would protect the re-uler v\^i i "' '* '"'^"^fest lunacy I.ko that 1 did not anrc d lot s i ^^"^^^^ •■'■"^^"*'^' ^"^^ «^^-^ Department, I .^1^^^-' T'" '^ '^ttcm,t an .i,nc»i^anU mistake-f..r that renru-k se^Vr'^ ' ' ' '' "'^'"''^ ^ '""'^'^ "^^ "^^'^t ture n.o... than a ;Z:. e^" Vl^::^,:^ r T '^^^ "'^ ^^^'^^'^^'^'^ ^-"^- peroeive that tl e farmer^ feel . lit T ^^ '" "'' "''^' '""^ ^ ^'"'^y ^ fundi^y of Agrieuitu;^^^::::;^ J:;:::^n;-""s 'f :'- ^t'^^^^-- earth; .„J if I„„i d.,„„ an,»-c>-i„g . ,,,,fi„r;,W <1- 1 ' '' '^'°^ """" I wrote «,rf j,„„„„.i .„ th„ c.„ch,si„a tl.at it ,va ,, " ,,k " 1-?"'^ read .tat all, lut heard of „„■ a,ri=„U,„,..I v™.; ,"; j t 'r '"' '"' 1 could not guard against of r-nnv.,. ^^ ■. ^"- '^' J- ^'"''^i- lnose cases pretended f:„t. .urnlT^e „: ' i„ j, ™ ^ ?,„ odtZ'V 'V"f '"' very nearly an-l in,i»„,ibl„ mj, t„ d , i, i. ] ^ somoboj,, i„ re*r. a .^^ - -e.r t;ir :^d^;:r-- ~-- - 18 MAUK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. Zll^T"^"? """ *" ^vantonly practise a deception upon /»«. ; and ,n th s case tlio only person dishonoured is the man ^vho wrote the bur- Icscjue In other n.stancos the "nub" or n.oral of the burlesque-if its objoctbo toen orce a t.utli-cscapes notice in the superior glare of some lung m the body of the hurlcsque itself. And very often tht "nu,ral" L agged on a the botton., and the reader not knowing that it is the key of he whole Hung, and the only in^-ortant paragraph in the article, tran.milly urns up his nose at it an.l leaves it unread. One can deliver a satire with ^elhng force through the idsidious n.ediuni of a travesty, if he is careful not o ovorwhehn the satire with the extraneous interest of the travesty, and so bury It from the reader's sight, and leave him a joked and defrauded victim, when the honest intent was to add to either his knowledge or his wisdom I have had a deal of experience in burlesques and their unfortunate .4)tncss to deceive the public, and this is why I tried hard to make that ngrieultural one so broad and so perfectly palpable that even a one-eyed potatoe could .ne it ; and yet, as I speak the solemn truth, it tooled one of tlu- a1)lest agricultural editors in America. THE PETRIFIED MAX. Xow to show how really hard it is to foist a i loral or truth upon an nn.su.pecting public through a burlesque without entirely and absurdly nHssiug one s mark, I will here set down two experiences of my own in this thing. In the fall of 18G2, in Nevada and California, the people got to running wild about extraordinary petrifactions and other natural marvels One could scarcely pick up a paper without finding in it one or two glorified discoveries of this kind. The mania was becoming a little ridiculous. T was a brand-new local editor in Virginia City, and I felt called upon to destroy this growing evil ; we all have our benignant, fatherly moods at one time or an- other I suppose. 1 chose to kill the petrification mania with a delicate, a very delicate, satire, liut maybe it was altogether too delicate, for nobody over perceived the satire part of it at all. I put my scheme in the shape of the discovery of a remarkable petrified man. I had had a temporary falling, out with Mr «ewall the new coroner and justice of the peace of Humboldt"; and I thought T might as well touch him up a little at the same time and make him ridiculous, and thus combine pleasure with business. So T told m patient belief-compelling detail, all about the finding of a petrified man at Gravelly Fort, (exactly a hundred and twenty miles, over a breakneck moun- tain trail, from where Sewall lived) ; now all the .avants in the immediate neighbourhood had been to examine it (it was notorious that there was not a hving creature within fifty miles of there, except a few starving Indians, some cripped grasshoppers, and four or five buzzards out of meat and tooTeeble to get away) ; how these savants all pronounced the petrified man to have keen in a state of complete petrification for over ten generations ; and then, witiaserionsnessthatloughttohave been ashamed to assume, I stated that as soon as Mr. Sewall heard the news, he summoned a jury, mounted lus mule, and posted oir, with noble reverence for official duty, on that awful ti upon him ; ■oto the bur- eaque — if its iro of soine- ' ' monil " is s tlio key of ), traiKiiiilly I satire with careful not esty, uiul so ulod victim, lii.s wisdom, iinfortunato rd to make lat even a in truth, it truth upou d absurdly my own in people got ill marvels, vo glorified IS. T was a lestroy this me or an- dclicato, a tor nobody e shape of ary falling 3umboldt, e time and So I told, ied man at eck moun- inmcdiato was not a ians, some too Teeble n to have and then, I stated mounted hat awful MAKK TWAINS MKMOUANDA. l() five days' journey, through alkali, sage-brush, peril of bodv ..,.,1 ; • . starvation, to k.M an ,.„.., on this ,m.n that hldt S i:::^" cverlastn.g stone for u,ore than three hundre.l vcars ' .Vn t '-^. "in," so to spea., I went on, with the .une un^ ' , " j ' '"' state that the jury returned a verdict that .leceased can.e t F, d e' . ' dug a grave, and were about to give the Dctrifio.l mn,. pi • * ' ' '"^'''^' ^'^"» dcr and t,„„, ,.„d ,„„„„,,.,, ,„ ,,,„, I ,,„,„ I ^ ,"' ' ■^,™ "™- 1'- f,;„uhU f„M,„, „|,c„ Mr. Scivcll "will, 11,. t , li ' '""' tliat even i„„,„,od upon „,„ ,^ 21 ^ to ,.7 ;";"-.l™'«-.co „f ,n,.l, Wioving in mv own hand K„f I ,.„ n . ,' , . '" """" ''""'" "' imxe that,,,, wit,, otl,e.- ■,,!„,, ,,„„i„, t„ n,,,.o",ri;„.e-andT 17 'l liand were spread like those of the ri-ht But T wn« / "^ed it ^rather too much ; and .o .m^u. :;;L:^;;::;\::^;:::;; ^^ a key to the humbuggery of the [article, was entirely h.st for u 1 ! n.e ever discovered and comprehend^] t ,. , i ' ^"'^^ ''"* of the petrified man's hamls. '""^'"' ''""^ -o^oOstive position As amtirc on the petrifaction mania, or anvthing else, my Petrified jAFn. ™.^di:;,^;ir:::,:^:=::r;':w:t::fi;::':n;'-t; was ani^ry and did not like to think about it • 1 ut Z \ , ...an;, fiold of travo. broadened, a„d\ • " ! o ° lar; rt "'^^.nT ..ni„,„oao,.od ■e.iti,.,,., „ .„o Tn,.,,.' ■■uZi.:^''^ ZZ Zn 20 MAHK TWAIN's MKMOrtANDA, iin.l I Kiiid 1 uiiH glad I had dono it. I tliiiik tlmt for about cloven months, as ntiiiily a» I can rciacmbor, Mr. So\vair.H daily mail contained alony in tlio neighborhood of half a l)iiHhel of nowMpapcr.s hailin;,' fi.)in mimy clinu-a with the I'etrilied Man in tiiem, marked aroujid with a pioiiiiiiont belt of ink. I Hont them to him. I did it for spite, not for fun. He used to shovel them into his hack yard and cur.se. Anay knou- that there -vr. a time when I wouM liavo answered their Uuestions to the very best of my ability, and considered it my imperative duty to do ,t, 1 refer them to the narrative of my one week's experience as an ayncultural editor, which will be found in this Memohandv next mouth TME .HlXiES "S1>/|IITE1) WOMAN." ^^ A Correspondent quotes an incidcui in tho Pierre B.maparto trial as an unusual instance of spirit hi a woman "-a young and gentle womar, unacciisiomed to tumulous assDmblages of strange men, and therefore likely to bo tho very reverse of spirited in a place like that'iHigh Court at Tours, bho described the scene between herself and Victor Nuir and his betrothed when Victor was putting on and buttoning his neat now JouvinP. Then' says the correspondent. ' She ilescribod how in two hours they brought him back dead In tho evennv she asked those about her how the troublo came about, ami thoy told her that tho Prince said Victor had given him a blow ! " I wont to his body =' she said, - I ,.okod at his gloves, and when I saw thom unbrok ^.uhfo'd and clean ami tightly fittng, buttoned as T had seen them in the oS 1 knew tho Prince had lied ! ' As she said this, she pointed lu..- UnHclat the Prince and looked at him in tho face, but he made no sign. In a moment this little feminine outburst reminded mo of the instance which an «ld Nevada Judge of the early times gave me as being what he sparkingly -iled " the most right-up and snappy ebullition of womanly ^it- up-and-gi'-, '- . >+ L./ evpr fallen under his notice. "Iwas .{( -.;.i:ore/ said the Judge, " in this old pulpit, holding court andwewer: tr,:...- a iug wicked-looking Spanish desperado for killincr the husband of a ov^i., oietty Mcxi. ,a woman. It was a lazy summer day°and an awfully Jong one, and tho witnesses were tedious. None of us took any interest in the trial except that nervous uneasy devil of a Mexican wuman- because you know how they love and how they hate, and this one had loved her husband with all her might, and now she had boiled it all down to hate and stood here spitting it at that Spaniard with her eyes ; and I tell you she MAKK TWAIN's MKMOHAMM • t\ gomjiac it H;iH by all "greiit pino ' thun, iiiul iiiatory Hur- (tccasion ti> 3 ; wo Hkip I 1)0 happy. 1 tliat agri- 11(1 I partly ivitii it, any otablos and verod their iiiiporativo lerii'iice hh )xt month. 23 •to trial as ;le woniar* if ore likoly ; at Tours* botrothod, If. Then, 1. In the they told liisbody,-' uuiiaincid morning, ' iiiimji.- at B instance i what he iianly git- ing coui"t, illing the day, and took any woman — lad loved I to hate, 1 you she would sr ,uc up, too, w.th a httlo of her Hummer lightening ncca.si..„ally one of these cabbage cigars the San Francisco people used to think were goo5 a d tn IV""' ?"*'"" ' '"' *''" '-y-^'-'y «Hhad their c.tV.:^- and smoking and were whittling and the witnesses the same md h was the prisoner. Well, the fact ia, there wasn't any intere 'a md iru 1 he.,, boca.i.e the fellow was always brought in not guilty, the 1^01 was fJ-'u,"" '""'^'' '"*''"" '"""^•^'- ' -'I 'vlt^'ouil tile j fenL wns 8tva,,h and square against tho Spaniard, we knew we couM no'c " -t hin wuhout seeming to be rather high-haiuled and sort of retlect n o, e ' " gentleman in the communitv for Hmm x.. v i-nccun^ on eveiy then, a,ui »„ .i,„ „„,j, , :^.jz " rj: ;:, I ""' "■■""'?"" ""•' """" for lust -i lif Mo «.l.ii 7. , '^^'^^ '^"^ ^y '"»^l ''y ^Irop her face in her hand« a:^ 1 lit Iv and beli "T ""' ""^^ *" ^''^^ '"'' '^"^""* ^'^'^^ --" Bo'"" nirtctly and ho as live and anxious as ever JJnt ulio., +i,„ • r',:::, .:r;,, "'"' ";".""■■ r "" "" "'° """"»-" - '■" »» '^'" -u^^n' asa se\enty-foiu-gun ship, and says she : "Judge, do I understand you to say that this man is not -niiltv thaf murdered my husband without any cause before my own eye a.:;^^!; It 1 chdcWs, and that all has been done to him that ^-er jX^mrile tw "The same, "says I. "And then what do you reckon she did ! Why she turned on th^t Bnurku Sp,„«ufool like a wildcat, and out with a'^^navy ' an^ll" ^.^ "^ dead m the open court ! " " That was spirited, I am willing to admit " "Wasn't it, though ? " said the Judge, admiringly. " I wouldn't have Mussed It for anything. I adjourned court ri»ht on the snot T u our coats and went out and took up a collection for trnd le . bs.:; s^t, tliemover the mountains to their friends. Ah, she wll ^^l^ "HOG WASH." becilUrafrhrtr ' '-r r^'''^'^ thefoUowingmiracIeof pointless im- wls wors st in ""'"1 " "^ '' ' ^"^^'^ ^"^^ -y"""^' - ^i'-ature that ZtihlT v, ''''."'• ^ ^'''^' "'^^ " ^°^y ^'^ fifty t»"*^«. altogether, and with a steaddy-mcreasxng pleasurable disgust. I now ofTer it for c^ompet'i.^n a. the Mckhest specimen of sham sentimentality that exists. I almost always get It out and read it when I am low-spirited, and it has cheered many and many a sad hour for me. I will remark, in the way of general information hat in Cahfornia that land of felicitous nomenclature, the literarv man e S this sort of stuff is ''hogwash:" ' ^ MARK- TWAIN's MKSIORANJM. [From tlio '* California Farmer."! A TOUCHINCI INCIDENT. v.nT.+??'"-"^'Tr":~-^ ^'-'".'^ ^'"" the following for insertion, if vou tliinl: it vv'orthy or publication ; it is a picture, though brief, of alivin- ,oalitv which the writer >vitnessea, within a little since, in a luxurious city ? •■ ^iboaut.ful lady sat beneath a verandah overshadowed bviclu.toriu'.' vines; ni?l ^^ T"" ''' •^'?""^' infant, api^arently asleep; the motlier sat, asr.hosup- rm rid witrn7l7 ' '"' ^"'*i "' '^''^' "meditation. llichly-robed and ..u - rounded w th all tne outward appearances of wealtli and stati.m wife and mother and mis ress of a splendid mansion and garden aro d ' wo W ono"^ aV' ,"" ^"'"■* *'^'^* ""''^ ^''""^ *"^'- 'I"-- here sh,.uld be a nappy one. Alas ! appearances aro not always the true guide, for— That mother snt thcro like a .sttilutc nwliil c. ""'Vhcn over her faoL" l)eainc I a sail, n'kI snul'> • Thou she starth'.l and Rliu'ldci'M ns if torribl,' fc'iiN \\ n\) cnuslung her .spirits— thou fauio the hot tears. ^liw^'^'iMmiT^^'T'lf^^'""^-^^ was seemingly joyoun unnuid h.r, ga\e liex.self up to the full sweep of agonizing sorrow. J onzcd inion this picturefova bttle while, only, for my own tears fell freely and wit t w con rol ; vlio ady was so truthful and innocent, to all outward appe ul. S that my oy.n deepest sympathies went out instantly to her and her^s^;ow.s: 1,00./ f'n? "'.'/'"'^■3' f-'^t^l'. ^!'t a .sad, sad reality. It occurred in iJio very heart of our city and. witnessing it with deep .sorrow, I a«l:cd mysel^ hoAv H fl, T?l'''"''^'' ^" • ^"* ^ ^■•^"^""^'""' *^'*-^* *1"« «'"^" i"«i^^*^'mt may only be a foreshadownur of .some great sorrow deeply hidden in that mother\s achin-^ heart. TJie iJard of Av.in say.s Vi hi'ii .sorrows lonu , thcv conic not sinrrlo hxhc^ iSiit iulMttalioii.i. ' o 1 ■, I had turned away fur a moment to]..,/ at some object that attracted my attention, when looking again, this ehild of sorrow was drying her evea carefully :ind preparing to leave and go within— '• And //,'.,.(• v,-ill efinker •■<,:rt ki-iscs (liM]) upon my ilicck, These lips iin; snih'd'to nn'. Dc.'ir Lnnl, how couM I tjiv,. Clara up To any but Id 'J'hi.(. ' ^ A child thus nionrnod could not die wholly discontented. From the Ledger of tlie same date I make tl.o folluwint,' extract, morclv chan-dn.^ the snrnamc as before : - ^ r-, Becket -On Sunday morni,,-, iDth inst., .John P., ivfant 'on nf George and Jnha Becket, aged 1 year, (! months and 15 days. Tliat merry shout ito iiinro j luar, ^Xo laughinfT ,.!„•],] j >^|,,.^ Xo little arms are rouuil my neck, ^Xol'eet i!i)on my knee ;" Xo kissscs ili'o|' upon my clieek, These lips are sealed to me. Dear Lord, Imw eould [ irive Johnnie im To any but to 'I'hee ! " _ The similarity of the emoti.ms produced in the mourners in thesp two instances is remarkably evidenced by the lingular similarity of thought Avhich thoy experienced, and the surprising cuincidenee of language used by them to give it expression. "' Tlmt merry shout m. more I heai, ^ No laughing ehild i s'^e, Xo little arms are round my neek, ^ Xo feet ujion my knee ; ' X'o kis.ses drop upon my elieek, These ji])s are sealed "to me. Ifear I.ord, how could 1 i;iv Bkomley, in the 50th Affliction sore long time he bore, ^ Physicians were in vain— Till God at last did hear him mourn. And eased him of his pain. bill vaguely following, (I B. "Welch, and (T asre. it facts (with- than ia done ise and com- rs, etc, could B last stanza* )r. Another of John and famil les : lag, which, long stand - "Ledger'' in the SOtli MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 27 The friends wlioni death from us has torn, "We did not think so soon to part ; An anxious care now sinks the thorn Still deeper ia our bleeding lieart. This beautiful creation loses nothing by repetition. On the contrarj-, the oftener one sees i^ in the " Ledger," the more grand and awe-inspiring it seems, ° With one extract I will close : Donu:.-()n the Ith inst., Samvki. I'kvkiiil Wouthington- Doblk, acred 4 OiU" little Sammy's gone, His tiny spirit's fled : Our little boy we loved so dear Lies sleeping with tlie dead. , A tear within a father's eye, A mother's aching heart, < 'an only tell the agony How liard it is to part. Could anything be more plaintive than that, without requiring further concessions of grammar !■ Could anything be likely to do more toward re- conciling deceased to circumstances, and making him willing to go ? Perhaps not. The power of song can hardly be estimated. There is an element about some poetry which is able to make even physical suffering and death cheerful things to contemplate and consummations to be desired This element IS present in the mortuary poetry of Philadelphia, and in a notice- able degi-ee of development. The custom I have been treating of is one that should be adopted in all tlie cities of the land. WIT-IN SPIRATIONS OF THE " TWO-YEAR-OLDS. '* All infants appear to have an impertinent and disagreeable fashion nowadays of saying "smart" things on most occasions that offer, and especi- ally on occasions when they ought not to be saying anything at all. Judging by he average published specimens of smart sayings, the rising generation of children are httle better than idiots. And the parents must surely be but little better than the children, for in most cases they are the publishers of the sunbeams of infantile imbecility which dazzle us from the pa-es of our penadicals. I may seem to speak with some heat, not to say a suspicion of personal spite ; and 1 do admit that it nettles me to hear about so many gifted infants in these days, and I remember that I seldom said anything smart when I was a child. T tried it once or twice, but I was not popular! The family were not expecting brilliant remarks from me, and so they snubbed me sometimes and spanked me the rest. But it makes my flesh creep and my blood run cold to think what might have happened to me if I had dared to utter some of the smart things of this generation's "four-year-olds" where 28 WAUK TWAIN's MKMOUANDA. my atlicr could l.ear me. To havo simply skinncl mo ulivo and considered h.3 duty at an end would have seemed to him criminal leniency to ward one so sinmng Ho was a stern unsnuling man, and hated all forms of precocity If I had said some of the things I have referred to, and said them in hi, heanng, ho would have destroyed me. He would, provided the opportunity emamed with hnu. Hr.t it would not, for I would have had judgment enou-di to take some strychnine first an.l say my smart thing afterward. The iah- record o my life has been tarnished by just one pun.^ My father overheard that and he hunted me over four or five townships seeking to take mv life It I liad been fullgrown, of course he would have been right ; but, cliild as 1 was, I could not know how wicked a thing I had done. I made one of those nanarks ordinarily called "smart things" before iKat, but It was not a pun. Still, it came near causing a .erious rupture between my father and myself. My father and my n.other, myuncle Ephraim, and his wi.e, and one or tn-o others were present, and the co.uersation turned on a name for me. T was lying there trying some India-rubber rin-s of various patterns, and endeavoring to make a selection, for I Avas tired of trying to cut my teeth on people's fingers, and wanted to get hold of some- thing that would enable mo to hurry tlio thing through ami get at somethin,^ else. ^ Did you ever notice what a iniisance it was cutting vour teeth on your nurse s finger, or how back-breaking and tiresome it .vas t^-ying to cut tbom on your b>g toe ? And did you never get out of patience and wish your teeth were in Jericho long before you got them lialf cut / To me it seems as if these things happened yesterday. And they did, to some children. V.nt I digress r was lying there trying the India-rubber rings. I remember look- ing at the clock and noticing tliat in an hour and twentv-five minutes I would bo two weeks old, and thinking to myself how little I had done to merit the blessings that were so unsparingly lavished upon me. My f.ithor said : '' Abraliam is a good name. My grandfather was named Abraham." My mother said : " Abraham is a gr.od name. Very well. Let us have Abraham for one of his names. ' I said : "Abraham suits the snb.scriber." My father frowned, my mother looked pleased ; mv aunt said • "What a little darling it is !" My father said : " Isaac is a good name, and Jacob is a good name." My mother assented and said : " No names are better. Let us add Isaac and Jacob to his names. " I said : "All right. Isaac and Jacob are good enough for yours truly Pass me that rattle, if you please. I can't c hew India-rubber rings all day." Not a soul made a memorandum of these sayings of mine, for publica- tion. I saw that, and did it myself, else they would have been utterly lost bo far from meeting with a generous encouragement Uke other children when MAKK TWAIN's MKMORANDA.' 20 iiul considurod ;^ toward one so i of precocity, tliom in his le opportunity Ignient enougli u'd. Tlio fail- her ovcrlicard take my life. ; l)iit, chihl as ;hings" before ;rious rupture ncle Eplirainij raatiou turned l)I)er rings of was tired of lokl of smne- at somethhig teeth on your ; ti) ent thcni ish your teeth t seems as if tlren. But I nember look- lutes I wouhl to merit tlie u" said : braliMn." iham for one itl; names. Pass truly. 11 day." for publica- .itterly lost, ildren when devehn.mg intellectuality, I was now furiously scowled upon by my father • my motlier looked grieved and anxious, and even my aunt had about her an expression of seeming to think that maybe I Iiad gone too far I took a VICIOUS bite out of an India-rubber ring, and covertly broke the rattle over the kitten 3 head, but said nothing. Presently my father said : " Samuel is a very excellent name." I s:iw that tronl)le was coming. Nothing could prevent it. I laid down my rattle; over tlie side of the cradle 1 .hopped my uncle's silver watch, the clothes brush, the toy dog, my tin soUlier, the nutmeg gvater, and otlier niatter.. whicli I was accustomed to exauiine, and meditate upon, and n.ake pleasant no.ses with, aneant that the boy should shake the vine " ^ Then tins old person .;ot up and tore his paper all into sn.all shreds and stamped on hen, and broKo several things with his eane, andsaid I dS not know as much as a cow ; and then went out, and banged the door after iLtli :, " tf ' '"T! '' "'^ ^ ^^' ""^* ' ^'"'^^"'^ '^ -^' cli^pleasld aW to him ' " ""' ''^''* *''' *"'"^^'^ "•■"' ' ^■^'"•^^ "«t '^« «"y help ina dcnvrt '1 '•" 'f"\ f "' ' ''^'' ^="^'^^«^""« ^^^'-^t'-^'- -ith lanky Icoks hang- ing down . Ins shoulders, and a week's stubble brisHing from he hills and valleys of . face, da:ted within the door, and halted, n.:tionless ^it „* ' on 1 p, and head and body bent in listening attitude. No sound was h^d bhl he listened No sot.nd. Then he turned the key in the door and c no I'.r iTi' ' '""■ '"""""''-' ^"^ ^'''' '"'^'^^ '"t^^»«« interest fori ^vlnle, dew a folde.l copy of our p.per frou, his bosom, and said : relief on " V n ~~*"f '', *^" '"^'""'^^ '^'^ ^^^^ ^^ ^'l^' ^ -"l^^ «oe the eh f comc-l could see the drawn mus.les relax, and the anxiety go out of n ace, and res and peace steal over the features like the merciful moon light over a desolate landscape • it wi 1 Srwe for th^f nn ,?/;\^'^'^ *'' back ward season for grain. Therefore ^.f fruit cake, nnd .vho H e ise . ;^ i^'Se rn-W^'r'^'"?; ^'''' *^'"i "'^'^T» feeding cows, as being more Mr^^^ ^aU^y':^:]^^:^! * Vi '"'^'^''''?- ^'■' the only esculent of the oranae famiirth it will fhv / ^\i \r l'""'!'''"' '" the gnurd and one or two vaitt is HI ^ nmh V'.Vn ' ^'^^ "f '^'* mg it in the front yard with llie sh^r lien ^ f ;f , T'f '"' "^ I^^'"'*' is now genendly cLeded that ll^'^i^lu^^^S:^;;^ f ^Sir^ '' Now, as the warm weather .pproacLs, ^ndthe gand^^^c^in £^;;;;wn- The excited listener sprang toward me, to shake hands, and said : Iheiv there-that will ,lo ! 1 know I am all right now, because you havo road it ji!?.t .as T did, w. rd for word T>nf i i 'Jtt.iuse 3 on •.,,. . > '" ^i^' ^01 \\ora. L.iit, stranger, when I lirst reaH : ^r;r^ ri "t-v "^^^^' "^^■'^■^ ^-^^^-^ ^* betor^ ;::twi^ mzv^^^ r^^^^^^^^^^^ "'^*^'' ^'^^^^•^^*' but now I believe I «m and staited out to kill soinebody-because, you know, I knew it would como 32 MAKK TWAIN's MKMOKANDA. to tliat m.oiior or later, uml so I miglit as well begin. I read cue of tlicni imnvgraplLs over again, so as to bo certain, and tlien I burned my house down jvnd started. I have crippled several people, and have got one fellow up a tree, where I can get him if I want him. Hut J tliought I would call in hero as I passed along, and make the thing perfectly certain ; and now it u car- tani, and I tell you it is lucky for the chap that is in the tree. I should have kdled lam, sure, as 1 went back, (.'ood-by, sir, good-by-you have taken a great load oft my mind. My reasen has stood the strain of one of your agri- cultural articles, and 1 know that nothing can ever unseat it now. (loorl-hv sir," •" I felt a little uncomfortable about the cripplings and arsons this person had been entertaining himself with, f.n- I could not help feeling remotely accessory to them ; but these thoughts were cpiicklv banished, for the regular editor walked in ! [Ithouglit to myself. Now if you had gone to Egypt, as I recommended you to, I might liave had a chance t(. get my hand in ; but you wouldn't do it, and hero you are. 1 sort of expected you.] Tiie editt)r was looking sad, and perplexed, and dejected. He surveyed the \n-eck which that old rioter and these two young farmers had made, iind then said : " This is a sad business— a very sad busides!-. There is the nmcilage bottle broken, and six panes of glass, and a spittoon and two candlestick's. r>nt that is not the wcn-st. The reputation of the paper is injured, and per- manently, I fear. True, there never was such a call for the paper before, and It never sold such a largo edition or soared to such celebrity ; but does one want to be famous for lunacy, and prosper upon the intirmities of his nuud ; My friend as I am an honest man, the street out there is full of peo- ple, and others are roostnig .m f lie fences, waiting to get a glimpse of you, becauKo tlioy think you are cra.vy'. And well they might after reading your editorials. They are a y''''^^rmU^\k,yonc^hh,igo, you son of a cauliflower ! It's the first time I ever heard such an unfeeling remark. I tell you I have been inthoediorialbusmcss going on fourteen years, and it is the first time I ever heard of a man's having to know anything in order to edit a newsnaner You tunup ! Who write the dramatic critiques for the sec.nd-rl Ijrs i Why, a parcel o promoted shoemakers and apprentice apnthecarii, who know just as much about good acting as I do about good farming and n.. more. Who review the books i People who never wrote one. Who do up the heavy leaders <,n finance ? Parties who have ha.l the largest opp.rtun ty of knowing no^ung about it. Who criticise the Indian camp^dgns Centleme who do not know a war-whoop from a wigwam, and wh!, nt-ver have alt run a foot-race with a tomahawk or pluck arrows out of the several m^X s of taeir fanulies to build the evening camp-fire with. Wh., wr tt ! temperance appeals and clamor about the flowing bowl ? Folks who wm never draw another sober breath till they do it in the grave. Wlio ed the agricultural papers, you-yam I Men, as a general thing wio fa in the poetry line, yellow-covered novel line, sensation-drama line it^editor line, and finally fall back on agrkalture as a temporary repr Ix omthc poor-house. Fo. try to tell me anything about Ihe n'lws.apcr b ^ 3 ' Sir, I have been through it from Alpha to Omaha, and I tell you tl a the less a man knows the bigger noise he makes and the higher sahrv e com mands. Heavenknows if I had but been ignorant instead o ^S d impudent instead of diffident, I could have made a name for myJdft ^ cold, selfish world. I take my leave, sir. Since I liave been tre vted Z you have treated me I am perfectly willing to go. But I have done u,y dutv. havl fulfilled my contract, as far as 1 was permitted to do it. I said I c,>uld n X your paper of interest to all classes, and I have. I said I could in your circulation up to twenty thousand copies, and if I had two more wo ks l" have done it. And I'd have given you the best class of readers tha evl an agricutirral paper had-not a farmer in it, nor a solitarv indivk ual who ould tel a watermelon from a peach-vine to save his life. yZ^JZ loser by this rupture, not me. Pie-plant. Adios " I then left. THE "TOUllNAMENT" IN A. D. 1870. cn^tntr'"' *'^"'%''^Pi'^''^f^ '^'^ it'^"* t- this eifect, and the .same went the customary universal round of the press : ufti;tSS'!:f e£" '''-'' ^"^* '•^'^" ^^'^''^^'^^^^ ^'p.-t!,c traditional site As a companion to tliat, nothing tits so aptly and perfectly as this : Brooklyn has revived the knightly tournament of the Middle Ages. 3i MAUK TWAIN's MEMOHANDA. It 13 lijird to tell which is the most stfti-tling, the idea of that highest achiovonient of human genius and intelligence, the telegraph, prating away about the practical cc^ncoms of the world's daily life in the heart and homo of ancient indolence, ignorance, and savagery, or the idea of the happiest expression of the brag, vanity, and mockhoroics of our ancestors, the "tournament," coming out of its grave to flaunt its tinsel trumpery and peiv form its "chivalrous" absurdities in the high moon of the nineteenth century, and under the patronage f)f a great, broad-awake city and an ad- vanced civilization. A "tournament" in Lynchburg is a thing easily within the compre- hension of the average mind ; but no commonly gifted person can concewo of such a si)ectaclo in Brooklyn without straining his powers. Brooklyn ia part and parcel of the city of New York, and there is hardly romance enn.,irh in the entire metropolis to re supply a Virginia "knight " wi'th " chiv-ilry/' in case ho happened to run out of it. Let the reader, camly and dispasnion- ately, picture to liimsolf " lists "-in Brooklyn; heralds, pursuivants, pages, garter king-at-arms-in Brooklyn ; the marshalling of the fantastic hosts of " chivalry " in slashed doublets, velvet trunks, rufllos, and plumes- in Brooklyn ; mounted on omnibus and livery-stablo patriarchs, promoted , and referred to in cold blood as "steeds," "destriers," and "chargers," and divested of their friendly, humble names— these meek -J-l "Jims'" and '^'Bol)s " and "Charleys," and renamed " Mohammed," " Bucephalus," and "Saladin"— in Brooklyn; Mounted thus, and armed with swords and sliields and wooden lances, and cased in pasteboard hauberks, morions, greaves, and gauntlets, and addressed as "Sir " Smith, and " Sir " Jones, and bearing such titled grandeurs as "The Dibinb.erited Knight," the " Knight of Shenandoah," the " Knight of the Blue Ridge," the " Knight of Maryland," and the "Knight of the Secret Sorrow "—in Brooklyn ; and at the toot of the horn charging fiercely upon a helpless ring hung on a post, and prodding at it intrepidly with their wooden sticks, and by and by skewering it and cavorting back to the judges' stand covered with glory— this in Brook- lyn ; and each noble success like this duly and promptly announced by an applauding toot from the herald's horn, and " the band playing three bars of an old circus tune "—all in Brooklyn, in broad day light. And let the reader ronunnlier, and also add to his picture, as follows, to wit : when the show wnH all over, the party who had shed the most blood and overturned and hacked to pieces the most knights, or at least prodded the most muffin- rings, was accorded the ancient privilege of naming and crowning the Queen of Love and Beauty— which naming had in reality been done /or him by the " cut-and-dricd " process, and long in advance, by a committee of ladies, but the crowning he did in person, though suffering from the loss of blood and then he was taken to the county hospital on a shutter to have liis wounds dressed— these curious things all occurring in Brooklyn, and no longer ago than^one or two yesterdays. It seems impossible, and yet it is true.'" This was doubtless the first appearance of the "tournament" up here among the rolling-mills and factories, and will probably be the last. It wUl MAllK TWAINS MEMORANDA. 35 1)0 well to let it retiro peniunontly to tho rur.il districts of Viryinin, wlieiv, it is Hiiid. tlio tino mailod and plmnud, noblo-iiiitiirod, maidon-rogcniug, wroiig-redivHHing, advonturo-aeoking kniglit of romnnco is accepted and believed in by tho peasantry with pleasing simplicity, while they reject with scorn the plain, nnpulished verdict whereby history exposes him ji s a braggart and niflian, a fantastic vagabond, and an ignoramus. All romance aside, what shape would uur adiniration of the heroes of Ashby do la Zouch be likely to take, in this i)ractical ago, if those worthies were to rise up and come here and perform again tho chivalrous deeds of that famous passage of arms I Nothing but a Now York jury and the insan- ity plea could save them from hanging, from tlio aniiiiblo IJois-Ciuilbort and the pleasant Front-de-Bfjeuf clear down to the nameless rullians that entered the riot with unpictured shields and did their first nuirder and acfjuired tlieir first claim to respect that day. Tho doings of the so-called "chivalry" of tlio Middle Ages were absurd enough, even when they were brutally and bloodilly in earnest, and when their surroundings of castles and donjons, savage landscapes and half-savage peoples, were in keeping ; but those doings gi-avely reproduced Avith tinsel decorations and mock pageantry, by bucolic gentlomtm with broomstick lances, and with mutfin-rings to rei)re3ent the foe, and ali in tho midst of the refinement and dignity of a carefully-developed modern civilization, is absurdity gone crazy. Now, for next exhibition, let ns have a fine reprofiontation of one of those chivalrous wholesale butcheries and burnings of .Jewish women and children, which the crusading heroes of romance used to indulge in in their European homes, just before starting to the Holy Land, to seize and take to their protection the Sepulchre and defend it from "pollution." A cuRior.s incident, and one which is perfectly well auiiienticated, comes to lis in a piivate letter from the West. A patriarch of eighty-lour was Hear- ing death, and his descendants came from all distances to honor him witlithe last hom.ige of afiectioii. He had been blind for several years— so com- pletely blind tliat night and noonday were alike to him. lint about half an hour before bis death his sight came .';uddenly back to liiui. He was as blithe and happy over it as any child coald have been, and appeared to bo only anxious to make the most of every second of time that was left him wherciii to live and enjoy it. He did not waste any precious moments in speculating upon the wonderful nature of the tiling that had happened to him, but diligently and hungrily bohid at this, that and the other thing, and luxuriously feasted his famishing vision. Children and grandchildren were marched in review by the bedside ; the features of favorities were conned eagerly and searchingly ; the freckles on a young girl's face were counted with painstaking interest, and with an unimpeachable ac- curacy that filled the veteran with gratified vanity ; and then, while lie read some verses in his Testament his sight grew dim and passed away again, and a few minutes afterward he died. It seems to be a common thing for long- absent reason and memory to revisit the brains of the dying, btit the return of vision is a rare circumstance indeed. 3fJ MAKK TWAIN's MEMOllANDA. ENIGMA. Not wishing to bo out.lone in litorary enterprise by those magazines wliich Imvo nttructionH cspeoiully cleHignod for the pleasing of tlio fancy and tlio strengthening of the intellect of youth, we have contrived and bnilded tho t<, 4, is tho name of a great general of ancient times (liave spelt it to best of ability, though may have missed tho bull's eye on a letter or two, but iKit enough to signify. > My 3, 11, 1, f), ir,, 2, 2, i\, 2, 9, 13, 2, 0. 15, 4, 11, 2, 3, 5, 1, 10 4 8 iH til. middle name ..f a Russian philosopher, up whose full cognomen' fame 18 slowly but surely climbing. My 7, 11, 4, 12, 3, 1, 1, <}, is an obsouro but very proper kind of bu<' My whole is- but perliaps a reasonable amount of diligence aiKfiu- geiuuty will reveal that. We take a just pride in offering the customary golden pen or cheap sow- ing maclune for correct solutions of tho above. "Yes, I remember that anecdote," tho Sunday school superintendent said, with tho old pathos in his voice and the old sad look in his eyes "It Mwis about a simple creature named Higgins, that used to haul rock for old Maltby. A\ hen the lamented Judge Bagley tripped and fell down the court- house stairs and broke his neck, it was a great i part of it. Where the occasion Avas for dragging in that poor old thr.^ad-baro lawyer-trick, is not perceptible, except it was to make a show of difficulty in winning a verdict that would have won itself without ever a lawyer to meddle with the case. Heaven knows insanity was disre- putable enough long ago ; but now that the lawyers have got to cutting ® very gallows rope, and picking every prison lock with it, it is become a sneaking villainy that ouglit to hang and keep on hanging its possessors until evil doers should conclude tliat the safest plan Was to never claim to have it until tliey came by it legitimately. Tho very calibre of the people tlio law- yers most fre(iuently try to save by the insanity subterfuge," ought to laugh tlio plea out of the courts, one would tliink. Any one who watched the pra- cecdings closely in the IMcFarland-Richardson mockery will believe that the insanity plea was a ratlier far-fetched compliment to pay the prisoner, inas- much as one must first have brains before he can go crazy, and there was surelv nothing in the evidence to show that McFarland had enough of the raw material to justify him in attempting anything more imposing than a lively form of idiocy. Governor Alcurn, of Missis3ii)pi, recommends his Legislature so to alter the laws that as scon as the insanity plea is offered in the caie of a person accuseil of crime, the case shall be sent up to a high >State court and the in- sanity part of tlie matter inquired into and settled permanently, /»/ itself, before the trial for the crime charged is touched at all . Anybody but one of tliis latter-day breed of "lunatics" on trial for murder will recognize the wisdom of the proposition at a glance. Tliere is one other thing which transcends the powers of burlesque, and that is a Fenian "invasion. " First we have the portentous mystery that pie- cedes it for six months, when all the air is filled with stage whisperings ; when " Councils " meet every night with awful secresy, and the membership try to see who can get up first in the morning and tell the proceedings. Next, the expatriated Nation struggles through a travail of national squab- bles and political splits, and is finally delivered of a litter oi "Governments," and Presidents McThis, and Generals O'That, of several different con-ple.x- ions, politically speaking ; and straightway the newspapers teem with the new names, and men who were insignificant and obscure one day find them- selves great and famous the next. Then the several "Governments," and presidents and generals, and senates, get by the ears, and remain so until the customary necessity of carrying the American city elections with a min- ority vote, comes round and unites them ; then they begin to "sound the tocsin of war " again— that is to say, in solemn whisperings at dead of night they secretely plan a Canadian raid, and publish it in the " W(u-ld " next morning ; they begin to refer significantly to "Ridgeway," and we reflect bodingly that there is no telling how soon thai, slaughter may be repeated. Presently the "invasion" begins to take tangible shape; snd as no news MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 39 nd even tlio and comedy gin<,' in that as to make a :sclf without y was disre- )t to cutting is become a sessors until m to have it plo the law- ght to laugli hed the pro- eve that the isoner, inas- id there was nigli of the )sing than a 3 so to alter of a person and the in- ly, hij itself, but one of cognize the lesque, and ly that pie- hisperings ; lembership roceedings. >nal squab- em ments," t coirplex- n with the find them- ents," and in so until dth a min- sound the id of night rid " next we reflect ! repeated. IS no news travels so freely or so fast as the "secret" doings of the Fenian Brotherhood, the land is shortly in a tumult of apprehension. The telegraph announces that "last night, 400 men went north from Utica, but refused to disclose their destination— were extremely reticent— answered no (juestions— were not armed, or in uniform, but it ivas noticed that they marched to the depot in military fashion"— and so on. Fifty such despatches follow each other within two days, evidencing that squads of locomotive mystery have gone north from a hundred difTerent points and rendezvoused on "the Ca- nadian border-and that, consequently, a horde of 25,000 invaders, at least, is gathered together ; and then, hurrah ! they cross the lino ; hurrali ! they meet the enemy ; hip, hip, hurrah ! a battle ensues ; liip— no, not hip nor hurrah— for the U. S. Marshal and one man seize the Fenian General-in- Chief on the battle-field, in the midst of his " army," and bowl him off in a carriage and lodge him in a common jail-and, presto ! the illustrious " invasion" is at an end ! The Fenians have not done many things that seemed to call for pictorial illustration ; but their first care has usually been to make a picture of any performance of theirs that would stand it as soon as possible after its achieve- ment, and paint everything in it a violent green, and embellish it with harps and pickaxes, and other emblems of national grandeur, and print thousands of them in the severe simplicity of primitive lithography, and hang them above the Natiqnal Palladium, among the decanters. Shall we have\ nice picture of the battle of Pigeon Hill and the little accident to the Commander- in Chief ? No, a Fenian "invasion" cannot be burlesqued, because it] uses up all the material itself. It is harmless fun, this annual masquerading toward the border; but America should not encourage it, for the reason°that it may some time or other succeed in embroiling the country in a war with a friendly power— and such an' event as that would be ill compensated by the liberation of even so excellent a people as the Downtrodden Nation. THE LATE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN. [Never put ofF till to-morrow what you can do day after to-morrow iijst as well. — B. F.J •' This party was one of those persons whom they call Philosophers. He was twins, being born simultaneously in two different houses in the city of Boston. These houses remain unto this day, and have signs upon them worded in accordance with the facts. The signs are considered well enough to have, though not necessary, because the inhabitants point out tke two birth-places to the stranger anyhow, and sometimes as often as several times in the same day. The subject of this memoir was of a vicious disposition, and early prostituted his talents to the inventions of maxims and aphorisms calculated To inflict suffering upon the rising generation of all subsequent ages. His simplest acts, also, were contrived with a view to their being 40 MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. L Wv ir *"^''' boys forever-boys wl.o nught otherwise have been happy It, was m this spirit tliat lie became the son of a soap-boiler • ad probably for no other reason than that the oflbrts of all future ioys vl J tned to be anytliing might be looked upon with suspicion unless they were ittorrr ^"^^;t"^'^r- ^'^'''^ ^^ malevolence which is without paralle n o do th. ^ f\"^ ' Bmoulderingfire,sothatall other boys might have t^^^""'' I^ave Benjamin Franklin thrown up to' then.. Not sat shed with hese proceedings, he had a fashion of living wholly on bread cannft'follow'2"'" ',"" "' """"^'*^ ''''''"^'^ ^^^^ ^^'^-^^^y^ ^ boy those othsti T' "''"f """'"* ^^■^*'^°"* *"-Wing over some o"^ buys two "nt ' ^ 7T "'' '""' '^"'" ^^••^"k^^" -^ *'^ «P»t- If be UU^S IWO cents worth if limnii + o 1,;„ r j.i 1 "- Franklin has said my s m T ?" ''^'' " K^»>^»'^''^^- ^^hut » scim, my son,— A groat a day's a pennv a vo'ir'" ■m.l thfi comfort IS all gone out of those ne-mnf« Tf i l/'""^^ fi y^-" .uitl the he his doiu. u-m-I- 1.; f .i P^'"">ts. If he wants to spin his top when If ^d! sVv tm f"";'^ "Procrastination is the thief of time." " ts ;i: : InTV^r^r ^"'^ -y«"»^'f'-t, because ''Virtue his at r^J XV ■ ^"1*^"7 *^^« ^'«y i^ bounded to death and robbed of »^^^^^ '""'" "^^^'^^^ «'^"^ -- - -- of bis inspired fights of Early to bed and early to rise Make a man healthy aiul w..althy and wise. ^v^n.,- !• ^*^* '"''^'^"" ^^'"^8 cost me through mv parents' ZZZ71T ^^^"V)/-r^"^ ^"^""^^ *^"- The legitLl'ruut parents us df '"""'^ ?'^'^^*^' "^^^^^^^^^ '-^"^ "^^^^^^ '-^^-ration. My nave been now I Keeping store, no doubt, and respected by all the grass gjew-as if it was any of his business. My grand ather knew him well and he says Franklin was always fixed-always^'ady. If I body Z nng his old age, happened on him unexpectedly when he was ca chYn/iie Iran? r"' ''• ^''"^ "' ^ ^^"•"-^='^^''^' ^- --^o to ti.no ho yawns and ^nnt'l r^f "^'™'''''''''""^^ ,„j.,^,,.,„ ,^„, nowLdtl^nho g n,ts a kund of stnlly, overfed grunt, whieh is full of anin.al contentn.cnt. At .uc and long intervals, he sighs a sigh that is tho ehuincnt expression of a sec et^confession, to wit : " I am useless and a nuisance, a cu.nborer of liie eartn. The boroand his comrades-for there are usually from two to four on lad, day and night-mix into tho conversation whoa men co,ne to see tlie ^2 Z-' '""'""'* '", ''"'"'"'' ' *^'"^ ^^"'^^ ""'«y ^^^' ••^'»""^' themselves . bout .ohtics m particular, and all other subjects in general-oven warming up after a fashion, sometime, and seeming to take ahnost a real interest in V at they are discussing ; they ruthlessly call an editor from his work with 8 d a remark as : " Did you see this, Smith, in tho ' Ga.otte' /" and pro- listens ; they often Joll and sprawl around the olllce hour after hour, swapping nnocaotes and relating personal experiences to each other-hairbreadtS cs.. p.s, social encounters with distinguished men, election ro.ninisconces, ...etches of oddcharaaters, etc. And though all those hours they smoke, and sweat, and sigh, and scratch, and perform such other services for thei^- fehow men as como within the purview of their gentle mission upon earth, they never seem to comprel-ond that they are robbing tho editors of thoi^ tune, mid the public of journalistic excellence in next day's paper. At other tunes they drowse, or dreamily pore over exchanges, or droop lin.p and pen- sive over the chair-.rms for an hour. Even this solemn silence is small rc- sp te to tho edi or, for the next most uncomfortable thing to having people ook over us shoulder, perhaps, is to have them sit by in silence ailk listen to the scratching of his pen. If a body desires to talk private business with ono of the editors, he must r ]T! T- 'f '' ^"' "^ ^""* ''''^'-^'' *1^^"^ '^I'^'^ti^J? V^^y^^r or nitro-glycerine tt ould be likely to move tho bores out of listening distance. To liave to sit and endure the presence of a bore day after day ; to feel yourcheerfu «inrits begin to sink as his footstep sounds on the stair, and utterly vanish away as his tiresome form enters tho door ; to suffer through lu" anecdotes and die slowly to his reminiscences ; to feel allways the fotte°rs of his clogging presence ; to long hopelessly for ono single day'r nrivacv • to note with a shudder, by and by, that to contemplate his funeral in fancy has ceased to soothe, to imagine him undergoing in strict and faithful detail th. cuiuu-cs or th^ ancient Incpiisition lias lost its power to satisfy the heart, and taat even to wish hun millions and millions and millions of miles in Tophet IS able to bring on y a fitful gleam of joy ; to have to endure all this, day after day, and week after week, and month after month, is an affliction that MAUK TWAINS MKMonANDA. 43 getH int<) a lii.s logs till ip ami loans t is still ob- i tlio \ii)right yawns, and and then ho ntnicnt. At oxprcssion cuniberor of 1) to four on ' to scu the tliomselvos on warming intorost in 1 work with / " and pro- snt pon and r, awap[)ing liairbroadtli liniacoiicos, ley smoke, 03 for thoir ipon earth, jrs of thoir '. At other p and pen- is small rc" ing peoi)lo and listen rs, ho must )-glycerine ly ; to feel stair, and ir through the fetters 'ivacy ; to fancy has detail the lieart, and in Tophet tliis, day Iction that transcends any otlior that men sulTor. I'hysical p.-iin is a pastime to it, and hanging a jJcasuro oxcursiim. A DARING ATTEMIT AT A SOLUTION OF IT. The Fenian invasion failed because (Jeorgo Francis Train was absent. There Avas no lack of men, arms, or amnnuiition, but there was the sad need of Mr. Train's organizing power, his c(.olnesH and caution, his trantpiility, his Btrong good sense, his modesty and reserve, his secrecy, his taciturnity, and above all his frantic and l)lo()dthirsfcy courage. Mr. Train and hirl retiring and diflident private secretary were obliged to bo absent, though tlie former must certaudy have l)een lying at ilie point of deatli, else nothing conld have kept him from hurrying to the front, and oflering his licart's best blood for the Powntrodden People he so loves, so worships, so delights to champion. He must have been in a disabled cmdition, else nothnig conld have kept him from invading Canada at the head of liis "children." ° And, indeed, this modern Samson, solitary and alone, with hia formid- able jaw, would have been a more troublesome enemy than five times the Fenians that did invade Canada, bocauBo they could be made to retire, ])ut G. F. would i.ever leave the field while there was an audience before him, either armed or helpless. The invading Fenians were wisely cautious, know- ing that such of them as were caught would be likely to hang ; but tlie Champion would hnvr> s'uood in no such danger. There is no law, military or civil, for hanging persons afflcted in his peculiar way. He was not present, alas !— save in spirit. He could not and would not waste so fine an opportunity, though, to send some ecstatic lunacy over the wires, and so he wound up a ferocious telegram with this— " With vengeance stwiiin Wormwood's g;dl ! I^ dold England, sny W(! all ! And keep i/our powclrr dry .' Gr,o. Francis Train. Sherman Hol\se, Chioaoo noon, Thursday May 2G. P. S.— Just arrived and addressed grand Fenian meeting in Fenian Armory, donating ,$50. This person conld be made really useful by roosting him on some Hat- teras lighthouse or other prominence where storms prevail, because it takes so much wind to keep him going that he probably moves in the midst of a dead calm wherever ho travels. TO CORRESPONDENTS. To those pai^.ics who have offered to send me curious obituaries, I Shall be very glad to receive such. A nund)er have already been sent me. The quaint epitaph business has been a fair share of attention in all genera- tions, but the village obituaries— those marvellous combinations of ostentatioua 44 MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. sorrow and ghastly "fine writing "-have been unkindly neglected In •luirers are informed that the " Post-mortem (Poetry » of Lt n ontl r.^l^ came without alteration, from the Philadelphia <' Sdget '' T ^'Deat^^^^^^^ have long been a prominent feature in the " Ledger " innufr!n""i^;i'f J ^"T' -TI" ""''' "'•^**'^'^ "^" ^^^ -"«"« ^--^Hties Mal^r Inv^ it """ f ^' ' "" P-manently engaged to write for this Magazine, have been surprised, may be, at the serene way in which I let the days go by without making any sort of renlv D > fi t A MEMORY. but o?''" ^ ''^ *n'V "'"'" ^"'^^^" "^y ^"'«*^^« f'^«^^^^- t« be enamoured of poem in all ho long third of a century that I have lived, persons who know me will be sincerely grateful ; and finally, when I say tlu t the poem which I composed was not the one which my father was enamored of,\Jr ons 'ho may have known us both will not need to have this truth shot i^to them wi^h a mountain howitzer before they can receive it. My father and 1 w o Th™ !nsued bi "-iif Tr^'' *^"^ ''''''^''''y ^™« ^^^ken, ard suffering ensued , but I wi be candid enough to say that the breaking and the suffer 2Z^£Z\'lTVV'''' '''''' ''^^''^''y betwoeirus-whichtto say, my father did the breaking, and I did the suffering. As a general thin^r I was a backward, cautious, unadventurous boy ; b^t once I Zped off a Te talkirL 1 1 " 1 '" ''""'' ' '"^ ^*^" •'^'^«*'^- *i"- I P-t-ded to und^n^rh " • ?' '"'l'"' off a portion of a very wretched original con- no crseauenc.7 ""^ ':*'"• ^'' "^ ""'' ^^ -*« «- --'It 'it -- of no consequence to any one but me. -vchie^lnVhi^^r ^ ^'''''',!f'''^ t° - attracting my father's attention and ^dawSdlb "'! 'Hiawatha." Some m.n who courted a sudden own si !V/'''" '^ ^"'"' "" '"'^^' ^''l^^' ^"d I »«-«r lost faith in my Mm oZ hTl 1 ""/r "^ ''^"" '"^"^ ^-^ *^ ^^^^^"- it in cold blood-saw fnX J 1 .' ' ^f ^''""'^ ^""^ '^"^ these following lines, with the same nflectionless3udicirJ frigidity with which he always read hii charge to the jury, or aaministered an oath to a witness : Take your bow, Hiawatlin Take your arrows, jasper-headed. Take your war-club. Puggawaugun, And your mittens, Minjekaliwan, And your birch canoe for saiiin"', And the oil of Mishe-Nama." ° truth. lected. Pn- lonth really "Deaths" us localities rite for this ch I let the 3 1 am one the process to say Yes, iterday. iiourecl of ft ho knew 3(1 but one who know in which I •sons who them with 3re always trality, so suffering :he suffer- 'hich is to aral thing aped off a bacco and tended to jinal con- it was of ition and k sudden ill in my )od — saw the same ;e to the MARK TWAIN's MEMOKANDA. 45 rantfC'"CL'^*'n *''^' "^*°'^'« breastpocket an imposing '< VVar- XTif was' at" "1 ''^'^"^"" '' "''^ ^^"PP^'^ ^"*^^ meditation. I knew Itl::^^^^^^^^ .iven my half-hrother, 0.in forh^ingsaved their U b/a^ U ::n;:i;Lmt 1^ "^ ^^"^"'^^ '' ''- ^K I had's'ch'f:" '':.' '°""' "" ""^«^«'-^- T^-" J- -id : traditions of tLsTj^H^.^- '"^ '''''' '''' ^''^ ^ '^'^^-' ^r*^"- than the " If you please, sir, where r " In this deed." " In the— deed i" "Thl!!,'i;l''™r; '"'''" "" ""' '""""■• """"•'"« -' o-tto tabic, poo:; sitr;::/,.;::;:!" '-""■ ' «- " »-• »"■ ^ --^ i -p., «. " You !" I Avilted. Presently my father's face softened somewliat, and he said : truth. "^::SL^^';:^^ ^«"- ^" P-^ - the expense of I said I would, and bowed myself out, and went up stairs. nbnnf ,1 ""'"? • ^^'^ '^™""'° "' "^^ ^ead-and so did my father's remarks about thesubhnuty and romance hidden in my subject, and also his In unc tion o beware of wasteful and exuberant fancy I noticed ^ust W tW came to me one o those rare moods of daring recklessness, such as I referred th.itl'^:r- ;^f-"t-««-r thought, and in plain defiance oft eTct that I knew my father meant me to write the romantic story of my half-bro ther's adventure and subse,uent good fortune, I ventured t7heeZ rel^^^^^ etter of las remarks and ignore-.heir spirit. I took the stupid " Warrantv Deed Itself and chopped it up into Hiawathian blank vers^, .itll aTe/ ngorleavmgout three words, and without transposing six trenutd ittt^dTi^^^^^^^ '' T Tr ^"' '^'^ "'^ '^''''' -t^ -^ ^^^^^'^^' ..ick But at last I said I would go down and read it to him if he threw mo T:a^:^'"flti'\ '-f r' "^ *" '^^"'' ^"^ '- told me to come c W I edged up a httle, but still left as, much neutral ground between us as I thought he would stand. Then I began. It would'be useles or m o t J thev IrT 7 '""'""' ^^P^-'^""^ *'^^--^-« "P- J- face, nor how they grevv more and mure mt.nse as I prooooded ; mn. how a fell darkness i"^..ended upon las countenance, and lie began to gag and swallow and h hands began to work and twitch, as I reeled off to aft^ n "^^^^^^^^ strength ebbing out ofjne, and.niy legs trembling under me : ^6 MAUK TWAIN's MEMORANDA THE STORY OP A GALLANT DEED. T HIS INDENTURE, ma.I.i the tenth Day ot November, in tlie year < )t' our Lord one thousand ei,i,'ht Hundred six-anil-fit'ty, Between Joanna S. E. Ghay And I'm LIP GiiAY, Iier Iiusband, Of Saleni City, in the State Of Texas, of the first part, And 0. I). Johnson, of the town Of .Austin, ditto, WITNESSETH : Tliat said party of ih'st part, For and in consideration Of the sum of Twenty Thousand DoUars, lawful money of The U. S. of Americay, To them in hand now paid by said Party of the second jiart, Tlie due receipt wliereof is liere- By confessetl and acknowledged, Have Granted, Bargained, Sold, Demised, Released and Aliened and Conveyed, Confirmed, and bv tliese presents do Grant and Bargain, Sell, Remise, Alien, llelease. Convey, and Con- Firm unto tne said aforesaid Party of the second part, And to his heirs and assigns Forever and ever, ALL That certain piece or parcel of LAND situate in city of Dunkirk, county of Chautauqua, And likewise furthermore in York State, Bounded and subscribed, to-wit. As follows, herein, namely : BEGINNING at tlie distance oF A hxuidred two-and-forty feet. Xortli-half-east, north-east-hy north. East-north-east and northerly Of the northerly line of lAIulligan street, On the westerly line of Brannigan street, And running thence due northerly On Brannigan street 200 feet, Thence at right angles westerlj-, North-west-by-west-and-west-half-west, West-and-by-north, iiorth-west-by-west, About I kind of dodged, and the boot-jack broke the looking-glass. I could have waited to see what became of other missiles if I had wanted to, butU took no interest in such things. 47 TIio wisest men . I could 1 to, butjl MARK TWAIN's MUr >!IANDA. POLITICAL ECONOMY. Political economy is the basis „t all good governmonl. of all ages have brought to bear upon this subject the- profrre^s ai .ocrvnli nl » T lo^ '] ? '*' ^"'''^'"^ Imrniless and its further ililipiiiiiis nchest ti-easnres of their genius, their experienco of life, unci tlieir leurninc. Th great hghts of ccunmereial jurisprudence, international confrater:";; frlzrcT ^^"^-"'^'^^"'•^g^^' all civilizations, and all nationalities trom Zoroaster down to Horace Greely, have— thorS'' f 1^ ^T i"*«^:^"P*^d, '-^g'-^i" and required to go down and confer fur ssmmmmm sweet, I so ho, and fren.iod. He was sLXgTn'the'STmplSv^tSitS 48 MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. of the Colossus of Rhodes, with one foot on my infant tiiberoso nni soothing uiuforimty of achievement which would allay the excitement naturally con- sequent upon the first cm,p d' etnt." 1 asked him if he learned to talk out of a book and if I could borrow it anywhere. Ho smiled pleasantly, and said that his manner of speaking was not touglit in books, and that nothin-' but fjMmliarity with lightening could enable a mar. to handle his conver" sational stylo with impunity. He then figured up an estimate, and said that .al)()ut eight inore rods scattered about my roof would about fix me ri-dit and he guessed five mndml feet of stuff would do it ; and added thatllio' first eight had got a little start of him, so +0 speak, and used up a mere trifle of material more than he calculated on— a hundred feet or aloii'^ there I said 1 was m a dreadful hurry, and I wished we could get this business per- manently mapped out so tliat I could go on with my work. He said • " I con J have put up those eighth-ods, and marched off about n.y business-somo men ,r,,„hl have done it. But no, T said to myself, this man is a stranger to mo and I will die before I'll wrong him ; there ain't lightening-rods enou iilivo ; and doliriously iiid I IiJid no tliat in liis t in tho way 3d, to niako ) tho otlicr ' a soothing .turally con- 1 to talk out laantly, and hat nothing liis convor- ;id said that Q right, and liat tlio iirst ero triflo of are. I said usint'ss per- 5 said : "I ness — some stranger to ods enough e done as I plished ; if -" " There set of spiral r siitl'erings dictionary. In. "I think to where I iiption, but d again.] ve found it liling after a profound at political as callable it forcibly went down ither have d that job hen it was e stood so s:iw at a der storm : ni stood ,f-rods tifty ! Put the cow I lice till it MAHK TWAIN's MKMOIIANDA. 4,) lightning-rods put up ran ',' Is clu r^d Ki;'"' ';"*' ''''•^" >'"" '•"" ""* "^ that will pa,ulcT to your d J , l' am tti f.. ^ • ''^'r l"«^""-''"*l« ">n,thuu, spite to 1. y ra 'intr lu-iin , L". ,^ ' '," *'''^'»1 ^t-'ouiTy and bri. g re- his wristbands daintly and said h^ would now ""^' ","."1' >^ ^''"'^'^ ^^^^ Well, all that was ncLly tSo 1 lou^ lo It il ^''""T^ *?^""I' '"'"'^''If-" .-.Im enough yet to write^n the mS theme of nX?V'"'^'" '^''f '"^'- ^ »'" not resist th. desu-o to try, fc.rTt S the onr« bf f .?^''"''"'''''y' ^*"<' ^ «»"- heart and dearest to my Lin'o'f ;3uhirwc,rffi;tiIoiophy T""^^ *'^ ->^ I^iat justitia, ruat cu'Iuni, iost_ mortem iinurii, nnte helium lie jncp hoc, cx-i)arte res, i olitieum e-coiiomico est. Ninehimdrcd dollars? I, that alii Tl.f. ,L i . "f,"" """» P»™i»s- honored at any reapoclaUo tank „ Anir c, Wh^? the amount will bo people gathered in the street for ! HowT qoow! , '.1 «','","'""i'ude of Blessmylife, did they never see anv ifchli?^^ ^','","'f ''^ ''"'nS r<"i» !' suoh a staek of them „n one estabHshmeV,, ■ f FT''' }"''"•''' ' Never saw . W.11 step down and "itioally Itt^rslop'^t 'el^Jf^XC^no^q theatres la„s„i,iredfrtreirT„ *° "''\''"'" """"» "f the town. The mon-plaee c^red wUh t^ li S^rX '"o "'"7 T" '™° """ ^°"'- andday with siLtators, J ^ tli ^erfL' rtlT ""*;' "'^J"' =r;anft,n:rr^^^^^^^^^^ highhonses abont that distanee aC w™ fuTw, ,7 ''''?"'''" *'' And well they n.i^ht be for all tTl , ,y ! ' "'"''"""'. '<>■>!, and all. »orksof«geLrat°o. .Ittgeter and atLd T "'■''°r'''°' ■'"'^"™- he.,en in one bHman.^ho j;*;:^:!':^! "r^fr:^:::^;!;' AO MAIIK TWAINS MEMORANDA. ad vantage cf tlio pyrotoelinic displav that was making niy liouso so maf»tanco of my insatiable rods. Tlun I sallied forth, and gathered daring workmen together, and not a bite of a nap did wo take till tlie premises were utterly stripped of all their terrifio armament except just three rods on the house, one on the kitchen, and owo on the barn— and behold these remain there even unto this day. And then, and not till then, tlie people ventured to use our street again. I will remark hero, in passing,' that during tlie fearful time I did not continue my essay upon political economy. 1 am not even yet sctMed enough in nerve and brain to resume it. To Wnoin it May Concerx.- Parties having need of three thousand two liundred and eleven feet of best quality zinc-plated spiral-twist li«ditninr'- rod stull, and sixteen hundred and thirtv-ono silver-tippod points, all m tolerable repair (and, although much worn t.y use, still equal to any ordii.vary emergency), can hear of a bargain by addressing the i)ublishers of this magazine. JOHN CHINAMAN IN NEW YOEK. A correspondent (whoso signature, "Lang Bemis," is more or Jess familiar to the public) contributes the fc wing : As 1 passed along by one of those monster American tea stores in New York, I found a Chinaman sitting before it acting in the capacity of a sign. Everybody that passed by gave him a steady stare as h.ng as tlieir heads would twist over their shoulders without dislocating their necks, and a large group had stopped to stare deliberately. Is it not a shame that we who prate so much about civilization and humanity are content to degrade a fellow-being to such an office at this I Is it not time for reflection when we find ourselves willing to see in such a being in such a situation, matter merely for frivolous curiosity instead of regret and grave rf lection ? Here was a poor creature whom hard fortune had exiled from his natural home beyona the sea, and whose troubles ought to have touched these idle strangers that thronged ab* .ut him ; but did it ? Ap- parently not. Men calling themselves the superior race, th« raee of culture Iiouso ao IJy actual I sixty-four ovory time Dbiibly had igh all that us bt'causo 1 tho light- aot'ii like it nber iif my tolled off it with peaked roof and ballon top ; ami us long queue dangling down hi, bock /his abort silkc b so cunou, ly frogged and figured (and, like the rest of L rai ent us " ^ I. P date.l, amUwkwardly put on^ ; his blue cotton, tight-Icggll pa 1 eJ closely aroiuid the ankles, and hisclumsy, blunt-toed shoo, w^U. S t Cl.i,,.. 1 , " ' """'"8 "«> nci-ficM" and llio dIuiiiv iiali.i, „f J- iiio.s.indati.ui-oforest trees unknown to climes like ours ? nn,l « T^ ., ° • ^ '''^* ^^•'^S''^ do they pay vou ]i,.jv »" THE NOBLE RED MAN. 52 MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. Hia language is intensely figurative. He never speaks of the moon, but' always of "the eye of the night ;" nor of the wind as the wind, but as "the whisper of the Great Spirit ;" and so forth and so on. His power of condens- ation is marvellous. In some publications he seldom says anything but " Watigh !" and this, witli a page of explanation by the author, reveals a whole world of thought and wisdom that before lay concealed in that one little word. He is noble. He is true and loyal ; not even imminent death can shake his peerless faithfulness. His heart is a well-spring of truth, and of gener- ous impulses, and of knightly magnanimity. With him, gratitude is religion; do him a kindness, and at the end of a lifetime he has not forgotten it. Eat of his bread, or offer him yours, and the bond of hospitality is sealed— a bond which is forever inviolable with him. He loves the dark-eyed daughter of the forest, the dusky maiden of faultless form and rich attire, the pride of the tribe, the all-beautiful. He talks to her in a low voice, at twilight, of his deeds on the war-path and in the chase, and of the grand achievements of his ancestors ; and she listens with downcast ejes, " while a richer hue mantles her dusky cheeks." Such is the Noble Red Man in print. But out on the plains and in the mountains, not being on dress parade, not being gotten up to see company, he is under no obligation to be other than his natural self, and therefore : He is little, and scrawney, and black, and dirty ; and judged by even the most charitable of our cannons of human excellence, is thoroughly pitiful and contemptible. There is nothing in his eyes or his nose that is attractive and if there is anything in his hair that— however, that is a feature which will not bear too close examination. He wears no feathers in his hair, and no ornament or covering on his head. His dull-black, frowsy locks hang straight down to his neck behind, and in front they hang just to his eyes, like a curtain, being cut straight across the forehead, from side to side, and never parted on top. He has no pendants in his ears, and as for his—however, let «3 not waste time on unimportant particulars, but hurry along. He wears no bracelets on his arms or ankles ; his hunting suit is gallantly fringed, but not intentionally ; when he does not wear his disguising rabbit-skin robe, his hunting suit consists wholly of the half of a horse-blanket brought over in the Pinta or the Mayflower, and frayed out and fringed by inveterate use. He is not rich enough to posses a belt ; he never owned a moccasin or wore a shoe in his life ; and truly he is nothing but a poor, filthy, naked scurvy vagabond, whom to exterminate were a charity to the Creator's worthier insects and reptiles which he oppresses. Still, when contact with the white man has given to the Noble Son of the Forest certain cloudy impressions of civilization, and aspirations after a nobler life, he presently appears in public with one boot on and one shoe — shirtless, and wearing ripped and patched and bultoniess pants wJiich he holds up with his left hand— his execrable rabbit-skin robe flowing from his shoulders— an old hoop-skirt on, outside of it — a necklace of battered sardine-boxes and oyster-cans reposing on his bare breast— a venerable flint lock nmsket in his right hand— a weather beaten MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. g^ Stove-pipe hat on, canted ''gallusly" to starboard, and the lid off a., hnJ'r It")f'""^ "'""'f " " >"°»ndu„y, or scntnuental about hi, that Kliot helpless i„clo„r ""'' """" ™ '"'"^ """W '""■» He is ignoble — base and treachprnii« ..,i,] i a r i • Willi satistactien, though you bankrupt yourself trvin- '|V> , ;,.n i • All Instory and honest observation will show that tlio Tfp.l AT ■ skulking coward and a M-indy braggart whostrrko^vifl ! '" "^ from an ambush or under cover of °XU f'^''''^^'^''^ warnmg-usually of about five or six to Le a'J, . f ' "''1^ "^^^''■^^'^ ^^^■"'«^"^' '"^ ^'^^^^ little children, S:::^^:^:!^ Z7i^::!ft'r'''T' it an long as he lives and l,k ■,..„ ., i i , ' "'™ '"•''S" "b""* Fenian, will Ml the Ik.Ae wS wit^ le no r„f "r" ""■ , "" '■"^'""""' "' ready to invade Cana,,a ; hnt ArlVer;"^/ ::;^: Ifrr't''"'' i. ..o:";:::iX'i!;;r:;,.' ""- "-' " ™"^ - '"»» "■ ^-^^^^^^^^^u 54 MARK TWAIN S MEMORANDA. three white men lived, and asked for food ; it was given them, and also tobacco. They stayed two hours, eating and smoking and talking, waiting with Indian patience for their customary odds of seven to one to offer, and as soon as it came they seized the opportunity ; that is, when two of the men went out they killed the other the instant ho turned his back to do some solicited favor ; then they caught his comrades separately, and killed one but the other escaped . The Noble Red Man seldom goes prating loving foolishness to a splen- didly caparisoned blushing maid at twilight. No ; he trades a crippled horse, or a damaged musket, or a dog, a gallon of grasshoppers, and an ineflicient old mother for her, and makes her work like an abject slave all tlio rest of her life to compensate him for the outlay. He never works himself. SIio builds the habitation, when they use one (it consists in hanging.half a dozen rags over the weather side of a sage-brush bush to roost under) ; gathers and brings home the fuel ; takes care of the raw-boned pony, when they possess such grandeur ; she walks and carries her nursing cubj while he ridos. She wears no clothing save the fragrant rabbit-skin robe, which her great-gi-and- ni other before her u'ore, and all the "blushing" she does can bo removed with soap and a towel, provided it is only four or five weeks old and not caked. Such is the genuine Xoble Aborigine. I did not get him from books^ but from personal observation. By Dr. Keim's excellent book it appears that from June, 18G8, to Oc- tober, 1869, the Indians massacred nearly '200 ichite persons and ravished over forty li-ojnen, ccipturcd in peaceful onthjiiuj settlements along the border, or he- longlnrj to craijrant traim traversing the settled routes of travel. Children icere burned alive in the presence of their jyarcnts. Wires were ravished before their husbands' eyes. Husbands were mnlilatcd, tortured and scalped, e nd their ivives compelled to look on. Tliese facts and figures are official, and they cxliibit the misunderstood Son of the Forest in his true character— as a creature devoid of brave or generous qualities, but cruel, treacherous and brutal. During the Pi-Ute war the Indians often dug the sinews out of the backs of white men before they were dead. (The .sinews are used for bow-strins.) But thoir favorite mutilations cannot be put into print. Yet it is this same No- ble Red Man who is always greeted with a wail of humanitarian sym- pathy from the Atlantic seaboard whenever he gets into trouble ; the maids and matrons tlirow up their hands in horror at the bIo(j(ly ven- geance wreaked upon him, and the newspapers clamor for a court of inquiry to examine into the conduct of the inliuman officer who inflicted the little pleasantry upon the "poor abused Indian." (They always l,K)k at the matter from the abused-Indian point of view, never from that of tlie bereaved white widow and orphan.) But it is a great and unspeakable comfort to laiow that, let tlicm bo as prompt about it as they may, the inquiry hjis always got to come after the good officer has administered his little admoiution. MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. A ROYAL COMPLIMENT. 55 fo PrTnI^?if * ""^P?? '''^""* *> ^P^"^"'^ ^^•^^^■" i«' tli'it it ^vill now he offered toPrmce Alfonso, the second son of the Kinc of Portncral w1,n/I w« lOT a King. They tried to get a Portuguese in tlie person of Dom Luis who EmZol '"""'""'''.^^ ' ^\^ *^^^'^, *" ee* an Italian^ntL person of Victo? Emanuel s youngest son, the Duke of Genoa ; they tried tt> get a S mniard a f17?'T "^1 ^n'^''"' ^^" '' ^'^ octogenarian.^ Some of hem de "red a French Bourbon, Montpensier ; some of them a Spanish Bourbon Se Se"nVicw"'T\,'T «^ *'f"\ ^» English Prince one of the so"i's o? W+L 1 ;i ^^Y.^ye just tried to get the German Prince LeoDoId- tZ'v w! I 'T ''"'f '^'^ ^'■'* suggested to them to tiy an Anierica to n ;i. fJ ofter them a large number of able and experienced so^eL'ns to pick from-men skilled in statesmanship, versed in the scieiico of cro™ inent, arid adepts in all the arts of udministVation- o wlTo "'uld ^^f^^^^^^^ W;i\r'Vff^''''ri'^'^?^"^Sclom at a reasonable expene There L sov rei'n "'"t '1^?^^''^'" tYeatening them if they tke an AmcS- such" caS ' vv! ^'''''^ ",r '^^"^* ^'^ ^^'"^^''^ ^« l'l«"«e!lLHL^Ji''L!!^Jllilii'l^]i'L"^ arinTaiuHf'^'oa hc^d the sweet musical strains whichUhe messengers made, and could not recognize the tune, and feel ju.^titied in believing that it and likewise the messengers themselves were of super-sublunary origin, I pass. And so I leave the question open. But I willfsay, and do say, that I have not read anything f:weeter than that paragraph for seventy or eighty years. Anothek correspondent writes as follows from New York : Having read your "Beef Contract" in the May Galaxy with a great deal of gratification, I showed it to a friend of mine, who after roadincr it said he did not believe a word of it, and that he was sure that it was nothing but ajHtck oj lies j that it was a libel on the Government, and the man who wrote It ought to bo prosecuted. I thought this was as good as the " Contract" Itself, and knew it would afford you some amusement. Yours truly, S. S. G. That does amuse me, but doe? not surprise me. It is not possible to MAUK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 5a I'iipli, signed losod urticlo ng confidont mt touching by way of 1 when com- liivs a correct show : ;re hsft ajar, ^y pinions a [)t'aco abide, •'s arm, Kay- 3 tliis child tlu) angels lietly in her )iness. i niotliod of h)ok to mo and I never lauthorized ay be, I\Ii33 aco to raise loliberately Kill have to d to get me lever mind, i^till, if you home nest, " yoa lieard >t recognize messengers [ leave the ,d anything ith a great reading it loth ing but who wrote Contract " ly, S. S. G. jossible to wnte a burlasquo so broad that some innocent will not receive it in good faith as being a solemn statement of fact. Two of the lamest that ever were cobbled up by literary shoemakers went the rounds two or three months ago and excited the wo. cr and led captive the faith of many unprejudiced people ' One was a sickley uivention about 'a remote valley in Arizona wliere all the lost hair-pins odds and ends as had disappeared from tlie toilet tables of the worid.for a generation, had somehow been mysteriously gathered together, and this poor httle production wound uj) with a "propliecy " by an Apache squaw to tho effect that " ]?y'm'by heap muchee shake-big town muchoo shako all down ; " a "prophecy" which pointed inexorably at San Francisco and was awfully suggestive of its oouiiig fate. The other shallow invention was one about some mud-turtle of a IMississippi diving-bell artist lindin.' an ancient copper canoe, roofed and hermetically scaled, and l,elievcd to con- tain tho remains of De Soto. Now, it could not have marred, but only symetncally finished, so feeble an imposture as that, to have a.lded that Do boto s name was deciphered upon a tumb.stone which was found tag-nn-' aftor the sunken canoo by a string. Plenty of people even believed that story of a bouth American doctor who had discovered a method of chopping off people's heads and putting them on again without discommoding the party of the second part, an.l who fin;.:ly got a couple of heads mixed up and transposed, yet did the fitting of them on so neatly that even the expcrimentecs them- selves thought everything was right, until each, found that his restored head was recalling, believing in, and searching after moles, scars, and other marks which had never existed upon his body, and at the same time refnsin..- to remember or recognize similar marks which had always existed upon Ihe said body. A "Bogus Proclamation" is a legitimate inspiration of .renins, but any infant can contrive such things as those I have l)een speaking of. They really require no more brains than it does to be a " jn-actical jokl;r." Perhaps it is not risking too much to say that even the innocuous small reptile they call the " village wag" is able to build such inventions. . Before I end this paragraph and this subjecc, I wish to remark tluit maybe tlio gentleman who said my " Beef Contract" article was a liljel upon the Government was right-though I had certainly always thought diftercntly about it. I wrote that article in Washington, in November, 18G7, durin^' Andrew Johnson's reign. It was suggested by Senator Stewart's account of a tedious, tiresome and exasperating search which ho liad made throu i. am He was a modest-looking creature. He said : on me."""* ^°" ''' ^^' ''^'"^' Procession's stopped, and they are crowding up I said : vol, II f '"' ^''^'' ''"''' f * "'"'' '^'''^- -^"^^ ^"gg^«* *° «^« parties behind you to have some respect for the place they are in and not try Jo shove in on a pnvate conversation. What the General and me are talking about ain'" of the least interest to them." Then I resumed with the President • hke Gay i Well, I should say so. And so this is what you call a Presi- dential reception, Pm free to say that .,-. just lays over anything that ever I at Honey Lake and Carson City, many and many a time-he that's Senator Nye now-,y.>H know 'him, of course. I never saw a man in all my lifc3 that Jim Nye didn't know -and not only that, but he could tell him where he knew him, and all about him, family included, even if it was forty years a^o. Mos remarkable man, Jim Nye-remarkable. He can tell a lie lith thai puntyof accent, and that grace of utterance, and that convincing emotion I turned again, and said : "My friend, your conduct surprises me. I have come three thousand miles to have a word with the President of the United States upon subjects • with which you are not even remotely connected, and by the living gee- whiUikms I cant proceed with any sort of satisfaction on account of jour cussed crowding. Will yon just please to go a little slow, now, and not ■ attract so much attention by your stran^^e conduct ? If you had any eyes you could see how the bystanders are staring." 62 MARK TWAIN's MEMOnANDA, Ho said : " Bat 1 tell you, sir, it's the people behind . They are just growling and surging and shoving, and I wish I was in Jericlio, I do." I said: " I wish you was, myself. You might learn some delicacy of feeling in that ancient seat of civilization, maybe. Drat if you don't need it.' And thcr I resumed with the President : " Yes, sir, I've been at receptions l- fore, plenty of them— old Nye's Injun receptions. But they warn't as starcliy as tliis by considerable No great long strings of highflyers like these galoots here, you know, but old high-flavorcd Washocs and Pi-Utes, each on. of tliein as powerful as a ra.^' factory on fire. Phew ! Those were halcyon days. Yes, indeed, General, and madam, many and many's the time, out in the wilds, of Nevada I've been " ' ' • Perhaps you had better discontinue your remarks till another time, sir, as the crowd behind you are growing somewhat impatient," the President said. " Do you hear tliat /" I said to the fellow behind me. I suppose you will take tJuit hint, anyhow. I tell you he is milder than I would be. If I was President. I would waltz you people out at the back door if you came crowding a gentleman tliis way, that I was holding a private conversation with." And then I resumed with the President : " I think that hint of yours will start them. I never saw people act so. It is really about all I can do to hold my ground with that mob shoving up behind. But don't you worry on my account, General— don't give youraelf any uneasiness about me— 1 can stand it as long as they can. I've been through this kind of a mill before. Why, just as I was saying to you, many and many a time, out in the wilds of Nevada, I have been at Governor Nye's Injun receptions— and between you and me that old man was a good deal of a Governor, take him all round. I don't know what for Senator he makes though I think you'll admit that him and Bill Stewart and Tom Fitch take I bigger average of brains into that Capitol up yonder, by a hundred and fifty fold, than any other State in America, according to population. Now that is so. Those three men represent only twenty or twenty-five thousand people— bless you, the least little bit of trifling ward in the city of New York casts two votes to Nevada's one— and yet those three men haven't their superiors in Congress for straight-out simon pure brains and ability. And if you could just have been at one of old Nye'e Injun receptions and seen those savages-not hiuih-fliers like these, you know, but frowsy old bummers with nothing in the Avorld on, in the summer time, but an old battered plug hat and a pair of spectacles— I tell you it was a swell afi^air. was one of Governon Nye's early-day receptions. Many and many's the time I have; been to them, and seen him stand up and beam and smile on his children, as he called them in his motherly way— beam on them by the hour out of his splendid eyes, and fascinate them with his handsome growling and of feeling in i it.' — old Nyo'a lerablo. No w, but old, 111 ivs a rag- id, General, Nevada, I've lertime, sir, e President mppose you Id be. If I f you came onversatio n 3ople act so. I shoving up Lve yourself I've been 11, many and jrnor Nye's ood deal of • ho makes, ^'itch take a ed and fifty Now that is e thousand ity of New aven't their ility. And J and seen d bummers d battered affair, ivaa iiany's the and smile n tltem by handsome MARK TWAIN's ME.MORANDA. Q3 IhornanwT.";!"* '^""V''^ ^"' '''''''''''' tonguo-seen him stand up there and tol them anecdotes and lies, and quote Watt's hymns to them mt. he JUS took the war spirit all out of thom-and grim chief, that came w<> hundred miles to tax the whites for whole waggon-loads of blanketsTl th u,B or make etcma war if they didn't get them, ho iias sent away bewil. deied witli h.s inspired mendacity and perfectly satisfied and enriched with an old hoop-skirt or two, a lot of Patent OHice reports, and a few sides of ccmdonmcd army bacon that they would have to chain up to a tree when they trZ T '11 * ";,^'^'i^^"« """j'^ ''^^^ ^'ff -itl' t^^om. I ten you he is a rattling no i ^'^"^- j*«"«7»;°f'^rit. He-well, ho is bound to launch straight nto close quarters and a heap of trouble hereafter, of course-we all knmv that--but you can rest satisfied that he will take ofl" his hat and put out his hand and introduce inuself to the King of Darkness perfectly easy and com- fortable and let on that he has sren hi.n somewhere before ; and he will re- mind him of parties he used to know, and tilings that's slipped out of his memory-and he'h tell him a thousand things that he can't help takin. an mteresn,, and every now and then he will just gently mix in an anecdote tliat .V,] fetch him, if there's any laugh in hiin-he will, indeed-and Jim Nye will c np in and help croH.s-question the candidates, and he will just hang around and hang around and hang around, getting more and more so- ciable all the tuiie, and doing this, that, and the other thing in the handiest sort o way till he has made himself perfectly indispensable-and then, the very first thing you know " ' I wheeled and said : "My friend, your c •-- *°"--g <=!«- after them id rrt^t ":;'' VT^" '" "^'^ "^^ panting behLl me, and tnJd and saw that a tawny yonth of the village had overtaken me-a tA.e remnant and representative of his ancestress the Witch-a galvanized scTrvv wrought mto the human shape and garnished with ophthalmia and leTroT; prt of h,s s omach, and no other clothing to speak of except a tobacco-pouch an ammumtum pocket, and a venerable gun, which was long enough toclub 7^::^:^'-^'^''''-^'^^'^^-^-' ^-^ f-^from :^.Jt I thought to myself, "Now this disease with a human heart in i^ is tTchlVr"'"";" 'r'^^'-^^^-^on.ti^oi^e.of aBedoun daringto t^^J::''^?^ 'f^'^'^'T' S— ^setting his head blown'off for ins pains. Bu when it occiTed to me, in simple school-boy lan^ua^e Suppose he should take deliberate aim and 'haul off' and fetch me" S sheesh, and after begging what he could get in that way, was perfectly wi ling to trade off everything he had for more. I believe he woiSd have parted with his ast shirt for buckshe..), if he had had one. He was smol- hfnl stlrrf '^'' ^^" ^'^"- ^ ^^"^^' ^--1 shaped, redX thing, streaked and grimed with oil and tears of tobacco, and with all the indZ 'f V^^^"-^ ^'^-^ -«. and thirty per cent, of 'them pecuii and ndig nous to Endor and perdition. And rank? I never smelt anything the tr;il ^\T "^^ ^ ^^^*"^ '^'-^ «t««d lifting its prickly hands aloft b^nd! a fran? ; J '''^''^ ^ "p my horse. I said I would take that. Itcostme a fran , a Russian kopek, a brass button, and a slate pencil; and n.y spend- th ft lav.shness so won upon the son of the desert that he passed over hi pouch of most unspeakably villainous tobacco to me as a free gift. What a pipe It was, to be sure ! It had a rude brass-wire cover to it, and a little coarse iron chain suspended from the bowl, with an iron splinter attached ^ loo en up he tobacco and pick your teeth with. The stem looked like the lialf of a slender walking stick with the bark on as ltw?t*\nd' '^'' ^"^ ^"i""^'^ *' '^' ^"S^"^^ ^^^*°^ «' E"<1- as soon as I saw It ; and as soon as I smelt it, I knew it. Moreover I asked the Arabcubmgood English if itwasnot so, and he answered irgoodlrao" f said\rmyse;^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ dp1ibnrn+oi,: ,7 , ■' • ^'^^ " anything that could make a man deliberately assaul a dying cripple, I reckon may be an unexpected whiff from this pipe would do it." T smoked .along till I found I was beginning to he, and project murder, and steal my own things out of one pocket and hide hem m another ; then I put up my treasure, too', off my spu^s and pi^t them under my horse's tail and shortly oame tearing through our caravan Ike a hurricane. From thnt time forward going to Jerusalem, the Dead Sea and 70 MAItK- TWAIN's MEMORANDA. the Jordan, Bethany, Bethelcm, and everywhere, I loafed contentedly intlio rear and enjoyed my infamous pipe and revelled in imaginary villany. But at the end of two weeks we turned our faces toward the sea and journeyed over the Judea hills, and through rocky defiles, and among the dcenos that Samson know in his youth, and by and by we touched level ground just at night, and trotted off cheerily over the plain of Sharon. It was perfectly jolly for three hours, and we whites crowded along together, close after the chief Arab muleteer (all .he pack animals and the other Arabs were miles in the rear,) and we laughed and chatted, and argued hotly about Samson, and whether suicide was a sin or not, since Paul speaks of Samson distinctly as being saved and in heaven. But by and by the night air, and the duskiness, and the weariness of eight hours in the saddle, began to tell, :)iid conversation flagged and finally died out utterlj-,- The squeak- ing of the saddles grew very distinct ; occasionally some one .sighed or started to hum a tune and gave it up; now and then a horse sneezed. These things only emphasized the solemnity and the stillness. Everybody got so listless that for once I and my dreamer found ourselves in the lead. It was a glad, new sensation, and I longed to keep the place for evermore. Every little stir in the dingy cavalcade made me nervous. Davis and I were riding side by side, right after the Arab. About 11 o'clock it had become really chilly, and the dozing boys roused up and begau to incpiire how far it was to Ramlah yet, and to demand that the Arab hurry along faster. I gave it up then, and my heart sank within me, because of course they would come lip to scold the Arab. I knew I had to take the rear again. In my sorrow I unconsciously took to my pipe, my cnly comfort. As I touched the match ta it the whole company came lumbering up and crowding my horse's ramp and flanks. A whiff of smoke drifted back over my shoulder, and— " The suffering Moses I" "Whew!" " By George, who opened that graveyard ? " Boys, that Arab's been swallowing something dead !" Right away there was a gap behind w Whiff after whiff sailed airily back, and each one widened the breach. Within fifteen seconds the barking and gasping and sneezing, and coughing of the boys, and tiieir angry abuse of the Arab guide, had dwindled to a murmur, and Davis and I were al'-ne with the leader. Davis did not know what the matter was, and do ': - nis day. Occiisionally he caught a faint film of the smoke, and fell t sc^l^' ng at the Arab and wondering how long he had been decaying in thjvt way° Our boys kept on dropping back further, till at last they were only xn hear- ing, not in sight. And every time they started gingerly forward to recon- noitre—or shoot the Arab, as they proposed to do— I let them get within good fair range (she would carry seventy yards with wonderful precision) and then wafted a whiff among them that sent them gasping and struggling to the rear again. I kept my gun well charged and ready, and twice within the hour I decoyed the boys right up to my horse's tail, and then with one malarious blast emptied the saddles almost. I never heard any Arab abused MAKK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 71 tedly in tlio lany. But i journeyed dcencs that und just at IS perfectly 30 after the re miles in tly .ibout speaks of Y the night idle, began he scjueak- me sighed jc siice;5ed. Everybody ti the lead, evermore, nd I wore ad become how far it Br. I gave ould come my sorrow the match rse's Tamp lied airily le barking^ gry abuse '^ere al'^ne > ';■ ^ nia sojI-.' ng ch{-.t way. r iTi hear- to recon- 5et within lision) and iggling ta ce within with one ab abused 80 in my life. He really owed his preservation to me, because for one entire hour I stood behind him and certain death. The boys would have killed l)im if they could have got by me. By and by when tlio company were far in the rear, I put away my pipe— I was getting fearfully dry and crisp about the gills and rather blown with good diligent work-and spurred my animated trance up along side the Arab and stopped hini and asked for water. He unslung his little gourd-shaped earthenware jug, and I put it under my moustache and took a long % choose t.> consider a game of change, until it was proven that it was :. /va.e M' ohance. Judge and coimsel snuT that would be an easy matter, and forthwith called Deacons Job, Peters, Burke, and Johnson, and Dominins Writ and I\Iiggles,to testify ; and they v.r,animously and with strong fseling put down the legal quibble of Sturgis, by [ v.mouncing that old sledge was a game of chance. " What do you call it now /" said the judge. " I call it game of science !" retorted Stur{,5s ; " and I'll prove it too !" They saw his little game. He brought in a cloud of witnesses, ana produced an overwhelmin'- mass of testimony, to show that old sledge was not a game of chance but a" game of scionce. Instead of being the simplest thing in the world, it had somehow turned out to be an excessively knotty one. The judge scratched his head over it a while, and said there was no way of coming to a determination, because just as many men could be brought into court who would testify on one side, as could be found to testify on the other. But he said he was willing to do the fair thing by all parties, and would act upon any suggestion Mr. Sturgis would make for the solution of the difiiculty. Mr. Sturgis was on his feet in a second : "Impanel a jury of six of each, Luck versw Science— give them candles and a couple of decks of cards, send them into the jury room, and just abide by the result !" There was no disputing the fairness of the proposition. ^Vnt th ecience" iide of the issue. They reti:' •• • : > the jury room. In about two hours, Deacu.. Peters sent into court to • .w tnree dol- laxa from a friend. [Sensation.] In about two hours v.,/.. ■, Dominie Migglcs sent into court to borrow a ''atake'* from a friend, [^cryi.-.tion.] During the next three or four hours, the other dominie an'\ .o other deacons sent into court for small loans. And still the packed audi- i : aited, for it was a prodigious occasion at Bull's Comers, and one in which every father of a family was necessarily interested. MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 73 ly through. fev.' friends, V( ■., up R,ld ry t'> put in :ie broadest The judge jre pitruest- L'at hut did t tho thing, udge !n«'t a .'im Stur^jis mished for ige, until it that would Burke, and iianimously i inounciny it too :" Imingmaas JUt a game low turned d over it a Bcauae just ne side, as J to do the r. Sturgis m candles just abide Tlie four ', and " ecience" three dol- Dominie i I, ,'ition.J tlio other •!c f'aited, lich every The rest of the storj- can be told briefly. About daylight the jury came in, and Deacon Job, the foreman, read the following J 7 me VERDICT. y'e, the jury in the case of the Commonwealth of Kentucky vs. John Wheeler et al have carefully considered the points of the case, and tested doLTIiM """""^^ *'''""'' "^"'"'=^''' ^"'^ '^"^ ^'^^«by unanimously decide that the game commonly known as old sledge or seven-up is emi- Pently a game of science and not of chance. In demonstration whereof, it hereby and herem stated, iterated, reitereated, set forth, and made mani- fest, that, dunng the entire night, the "chance" men never won a game or turned a jack, although both feats were common and frequent to the opposi- tion ; and, furthermore, in support of this, our verdict, we call attention to the significant fact that the - chance " men are all busted, and the "science" "'.Ln''''»^.t "'°'''^- . ^''' *^^' '^'^^'"'^' "P^"^''" «^ ""« j^'-y that the chance theory concerning seven-up is a pernicious doctrine, and calcu- lakes stocif In it '"''""' '"^ '''""'"^ '"'' "^"^^ ^'^^ '''^""^""'*^ «^^* in StZ^'t''?" 77 that sevon-up came to be set apart and particularized m Statute books of Kentucky as being a game not of chance but of science, and therefore, not punishable under the law," said Mr. Knott. "That verdict IS of record, and holds good to this day. " bank?!! M !u ^'"^' *''"* "^"^ '""^" "'^^^^ '»y ^«««« («aid the bankers clerk) was there in Corning, during the war. Dan Murphy en- listed as a private, and fought very bravely. The boys all liked him, and when a wound by and by weakened him down till carrying a musket was too heavy work for him, they clubbed together and fixed him up as a sutler! He made money then, and sent it always to his wife to bank for him. She was a washer and ironer, and knew enough by hard experience to keep money when she got it She didn't waste a penny. On the contrary, she began to get miserly as her bank account grew. She grieved to part with a Tl^m ' .^"'''^ '"^ ^'' hard-working life she had known what It was to be hungry cold, friendless, sick, and without a dollar in the world she had a haunting dread of suffering so again. Well, at last Dan died j and the boys, xn testimony of their esteem and respect for him, telegraphed to Mrs. Murphy to know if she would like to have him embalmed' and senJ Wn' T 1," ^Z ^^'^ *^' "'"^^ '"'*°"^ ''^' *« •^"'"P * P««^ devil like him Mlr^ r- "'T^^'^'""'^"'^'" his friends what had become of him. Mr Murphy jumped to the conclusion that it would only cost two or three doJarso embalm her dead husband, and so she telegraphed "Yes." It tZw . Z:"'\y *''''"- '^^ ^"'^•^'"^"S ^^"^^'^ -«d\va3 presented to aid "T . f 7."«^f^,* -"d, sad wail, that pierced every heart, and said . Sivmty-foive dollars for stoofin Dan, blister their sowls ! Did thira divilfl suppose I was goin' to stairt a Museim, that I'd be dalin' in such ex- puiBive cunassitiea !" The banker's clerk said there was not a dry eye in the house. 74 MARK TWAIN 8 MEMORANDA. FAVORS FROM CORRESPONDENTS. An appreciative New Yorker clips tlio following sweet thing from an in terior paper, and forwards it to this department. In kindness, wc have altered the names : Died— July 27th, Etta A., daughter of MaryG. and William L. Burt, aged 11 years, 9 months, and 17 days. Thus passccil away our darling oiu', Slie patiently bore her suU'eriiig long, We listened to every word she said, Her sister by her sighed and wept. She said to her, " I am not dead yet, I am going away — do not weep ; ' I am going away from this cold woi'ld, Going to a dilTerent shore and try it u wiiirl." It would be hard to conceive of anything finer than that. The mind can suggest no improvement to it— except it be to italicise the word "it" in the last line. Aware of the interest we take in obituaries and obituary poetry, un- known friends send specimens from many States of theUnion. But they are nearly all marred by one glaring defect— they are not bad enough to be good. No, they drivel along on one dull level of mediocracy, and, like Mr. Brick Pomeroy's " Saturday Night" sentiment, are simply dreamy and humiliating instead of wholesomely execrable and exasperating. A Boston correspondent writes : " Tlie author of "Johnny Skae's Item" will doubtless find merit in the enclosed atrocity. I cut it from a Provincial paper, where it appeared in perfect seriousness, as a touching tribute to de- parted worth." The " atrocity" referred to (half a column of doggrel; comes under the customary verdict— not superhumanly bad enough to be good ; but nothing in literature can surpass the eloquent paragraph which intro- duces it, viz. : LINES Written on the rfeaf/i— sudden anduntimely death— of Cornelius Kickh am, son of John Kickham, Souris West, and nephew of E. Kickham, Esq of the same place, on the 25th ult., at the age of nineteen years, in the humane at- tempt of rescuing three small children in a cart and runaway horse, came in contact with the shaft, which after extreme suffering for two days, caused his death, during which time, he bore with heroic resignation to the divine wilL Ma}' he rest in peace. Comment here would be sacrilege. "Johnny Skae's Item," referred to above, was written in San Francisco, by the editor of this Memoranda, six or seven years ago, to burlesque a painfully incoherent style of local itemiz- i from an in loss, vc have iIAmL. Burt, L'he mind can "it" in tlio poeti'y, un- But they are 1 to be good, io Mr. Brick liumiliatinii Skae'8 Item" a Provincial ibuto to de- iggrel; comes to be good ; ft'hich intro- lickham, son Esq., of the ! humane ac- 'se, came in days, caused ;o the divine ' referred to ORANDA, six local itemiz- MAltK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 75 ing which prevailed in the papers there at that day. The above " Lines" were absolutely written and printed in a Provincial paper, in all soriousnes., just as copied above ; but we will append " Johnny Skae's Item," and leavo whkh isn't : ''" "''"* '^" ''"' '"^ *'" "^''^'^ '' *'" ^""-^^^'1"^^ ^"'l i;„n,'?'i"'f ^'''" Accident. -Last evening about six o'clock as Mr Wil ham bchuyler, an old and respectable citizen of South Park ^^.;s eavinS th^iZTJ-'' ^'" '^rV'V'' "« ^'^' ^'''' '"« "«"''! ^"«tnm forma y yc^r Vith fts snecd ThS J;.ave frightened the animal still more instead of checkin-^ least l7kolv'tr^^T""/^ '"^*^^'^ ^^'1 occurrence, iot vi?h tamf nc^'ft g "i motlir2;ct^nnt\"'*"''f'f 'y^'^' '^'^' ^''« «^^»"''^ be rccon oitfrin' ?n 1849 whirSfrn It '''''v!' "'■ I^^.«Pert.V. in consequence of the fire of is life Let tlul^ every solitary thing she had in the world. But such From Cambridge, N.Y., comes the following : " In your August 'Favors from Correspondents" occurs an account of the rather unique^advent of" baby into New Haven. After reading 'Lucretia's Paragraph, ' I remembered I had seen near y the same thing before, only in poetry! Is you may not have seen it, I forward it, together with a rhyming reply." THE GATES AJAR. On the occasion of the birth of his first child the poet writes : One night, as old St. Peter slept, wi ^''*'* ^'°°'" "*" ^ic^ven ajar, When through a little nngel crei)t And ccme down with a falling star. Ou< iumnier, as the blessed beams Of morn approached, my blushing bride Awakened from some ideasing dreams And found that angel by her side. G"l grant but this, I ask no more, 11 .t when he leaves this world of sin, Ht I! wing his way to that bright s!u)ie And find the door of 7 leaven again. r^^ i 71 MAPK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. Whereupon Saint Pete (by a friend) relies : Watiir, this imputatiou of carelosanesa, thus ON THi, lUAT OF THE DEFENrB. For eighteen hundred years and moro J've kept iijy door securely tyled ; There has no litth' angel strayed, Ko one heen missing all the while' T did not sleep ns you «., ^ ,,^cd, Nor Ifave the door of lli^aven ajar, Nor has a little angel strayeil Nor gone down with a Tailing star. Go ask that blushing bride and see If she don't frankly own and say, That when she found that angid babe. She found it in the g(Jod old way. God grant but this, I ask no more, That should your numbers still enlarf^e You will not do as heretofore, " ' And lay it to old Peter's cdiarge. Fkom Missouri a friend furnishes the ;olIowing information uno- a matter which has probably suggested an inquiry in more than one la-in' nimd : A venerable and greatly esteemed and respooted old patriarch, late of this vicinity, divulge T tome, on his death bed, the origin of a certain popu- lar figure of speech. He said it came about in this wise : A gentleman was blown up on a Mississippi steamboat, and he went up into the air about four or four and a half miles, and then, just before parting into a j^ieat variety of fragments, he remarked to a neighbor who was sailing past on a lower level ' Say, friend, how is this for high ?'" ' -The church was decic - Hy crc. . ded that Luvely summer Sabbath," said the Sunday School superintendent, " and all, as their eyes rested upon the small coffin, seemed impressed by the poor black boy's fate. Above the stillness the pastor's voice ro-., a..d chained [t^v interest o[ every ear as he told, with many an envied compliment, how tluit th(> brave, nobl? dari/^g little Johnny Greer, when he saw the drowned be 'y sweeping down toward the deep part of the river whence the af-nized parents never could have recovered in this worid, gallantly sprang 5 V stream nnd at ' bo risk of his life towed the corpse to shore, and h; it f till help cam.e and secured It. Johnny Gi er was sitting just in froi. . of me. A ragged street boy, with «ager eye, turned upon him instantly, and said in a hoarse whispei " * No, but did you though V "'Yes.' " * Towed the carkiss ashore and saved it yo'self ? ' "'Yes.' •' ' Cracky ! What did they give you V "'Nothing.' '•'What!' (with intense disgust.) 'D'you know what I'd a done? I'd 5 anchored him out in the stream, and said, Five dollars, gents, or you can't have yo'' nigger.'" [ossneu, thun ;ion upo'^ a I one mail' arch, late of ertain popu- atleman was r about four at variety of lower level, bbath," said id upon the Above the y ear as he 3b1,\ dari/ig own to" ard could I live 'he risk of and secured Bt boy, with er . MARK TWAIN'h MEMORANDA. MARK TWAIN'S MAP OF PARIS. 77 'd a done? mts, or yoH I pubUshod my " Map of the Fortifications of Paris" in my own papora fortnight ago, but am obliged to reproduce it in Thk Galaxy, to sati fv the extraordinary demand for it which has arisen in military circles throughout the countrj-. General Grant's outspoken commendation originated thf. de- mand, and General Sherman's fervent endorsement added fuel to it The result IS that tons of these maps have been fed to the sufforing soldiers of our land bu mthout avail. They hunger still. We will cast Tuk Galaxy mto the breach and stand by and await the effect. The next Atlantic nuul will doubtless bring news of a European frenzy for the map. It is reasonable to expect V t the siege of Paris will be sus pended till a Gorman translation of it can be forwarded (it is now in prepara- tion) and that the defence of Paris will likewise be suspended to await the reception of the Fren.li translation (now progressing under my own hands and likely to be unique). King William's Ingh praise of the map and Na- poleon 8 frank enthusiasm conceniing its execution will ensure its prompt adoption in Europe as the only authoritative and legitimate exposition of thei..Bentmiitaiy situation. It is plain that if the Prussians cannot get into 1 .ns with the facilities alforded by this production of mine they ought todeh. the enterprise into abler hands. Strangorg to me keep insisting that tliis map does not '« explain itself " One person .mo to me with bloodshot eyes and a harrassed look about' him, and shool. the mai u my face and said he believed I was some new kind of Idiot. I have be< used a good deal by other quick-temj-ered people like him who came with .umilar complaints. Now, therefore, I yield willinr the information of the ignorant will briefly explain the present mili- tary situation as illustrated by the map. Part of the Prussian forces under Prince I rederickWUham, are now boarding at the "farm-house" in the nm-gin of tlie map. There is nothing between them and Vincem,. but a rad fence in bad repair. Any corporal can see at a glance that they hav. oxdytoburnit,pul itdowii, crawl under, clunb over, or walk aroun,1 it. list as the commander-in-chief shall elect. Another portion of the Prussian forcesareatPodunk under Von Moltke. They have nothing to do b"t float down the rivor Seme on a raft and scale the walls of Paris. Let the worshippers of that overrated soldier belicn-e in him still, and abide the re- .su t- or me I do not think he will ever thmk of a raft. At Omaha and the High Ln.lge are vast masses of Prussian infantry, and it is only fair to say elsHnlT f' ^'''y*^-^'- the figure of a window-sash between lefl Tl^''^ ""''^''^y- ^'"-y "P -'^ "f -ght over the top of the map is the fl. tof the Prussian navy, read^ at any moment to come cavorting down lluZ un^tf ^r^r T" "T ''"^"'- '■' "'• ''^"P"-'"i>^ed Legislature sh.UI put up the tuUs and so render it cheaper to walk). To me it looks as f Paris IS m a singularly close place. She never was situated before as she la m this map. -m, „, ^ Makk Twain. 78 MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA TO Till READER. Tho idea of this map is not original with mo, but it 13 borrowed from the ' rnbune" and the othe- great metropolitan journals. I claim no other merit for tliis production (if I may go call it) than that It 13 accurate. Tho main blemish of the city-paper maps of which it is an mutation, is, that in them, more attention seems paid to artistic pictur- escjuenoas than geographical reliability. Inasmuch as this is the first time I over tried to draft and engrave a map, or attempi anything in the line of art at all, tho commendations tlie work has received and tho admiration it has exited among the people, have been very grateful to my feelings. And it is touching to reflect that by far the most entluisiastic of these praises have come from pgoplo who know nothing at all about art. liy an important oversight I have engraved tho map so that it reads wrong end first, except to left handed people. I forgot that in order to make it right in print it should be drawn and engraved upside down. How- ever, let the student who desire to contemplate tlio map stand on his head or hold it before a looking-glass. That will bring it right. Tiie reader will comprehend at a glance that that pieso of river with the " High Bridge " over it got Toft out to one side by reason of a slip of tho graving-tool, which rendered it necessary to change the entire coarse of the river Rhine or else spoil the map. After having spent two days in digging and gouging at the map, I would have changed the course of tho Atfantic ocean before I would have lost so much work. I never had so n)uch trouble with anything in my lifo as I did with this map. I had heaps of little fortifications .scattered all around Paris, at first, but evey now and then my instruments would slip and fetch away whole miles of batteries and leave the vicinity as clean as if the Prussians had been there. Tho reader will find it well to frame this map for future reference, so that it may aid in extending popular intelligence and dispelling the wide- spread ignorance of tlie day. OFFICIAL COMMENDATIONS. It is the only map of the kind I ever saw. It places the situation in an entirely new light. I cannot look upon it without shedding tears. It is very nice, large print. U. S. Grant. BlSMAllCK. Brioham Yoi/No. Napoleon% rro'vod from ,it) than that vliich it ia an 'tistic pictur- nd engrave a nmendations I the pooplc, uUcct that by lie who know Jiat it reads in order to own. riow- i hia head or ver with the a slip of tlio !oiu-3o of the fa in digging tlio Atlantic lid with this iiris, at first, away whole 113 had been reference, so tig the wide- MAKCK. foi/No. OLEON. MARK TWAIN's MKMORANDA. 70 Mj wife wa, for years afllicted with freckles, and though everything was dou. for her relief that conid be done, all was in vain. But, sir, since her first g ance at your map, they have entirely left lier. Sho has nothing but convulsionH now. * J. Smith, If I had had this map I could have got out of Motz without any trouble. Bazaine. rcnimli'n.e of?" " ^'"'"^ '""•'' '"'^'' "' '"^ *''"^' ^'"* "^'»« ""^^ «»« <'no TRoi.'irr. It is but fair t(» say that insi.iuo respects it is a truly remarkable map. W. T. SllEKMAN^. I said to my Ho„ Frederick William, - If you could only make a map like that, r would be perfectly willing to see you die-even anxious." William III. RILEY-NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENT. One of the best men in Washington- or elsewhcre-:is Riley corres- pondent of the great San Francisco dailies. ' Riley is full of humour, and has an unfailing vein of irony which makes his conversation to the last degree entertaining (as long as the remarks are about somebody else). But notwithstanding the possession of these quali- ties, winch should enable a man to write a happy and appetizing letter Riley sneu-spaper letter,, often display a more than earthly solemnity and ikewise an unimuginativo devotion to petrified facts, .-lUch surprise and dis- tress all men who know him in his unofficial character. He explains this curious thing by saying that his employers sent him to Washington to write facts, not fancy, and that several times he has come near losing his situation by inserting humorous remarks, which not been looked for at headquarters and consequently not understood, wero thought to be dark and bloody speeches intended to convoy signals and warnings to murderous secret socie- ties or something of that kind, and so vere scratched out with a shiver and a prayer and cast into the stove. Riley sajs that sometimes he is so afflicted with a yearning to write a sparkling and absorbingly readable letter that he simply cannot resist it, and so he -oes to his den and revels in the deli-ht of untrammelled scribbling; and then, with suffering such as only a mother can know, he destroys the pretty children of his fancy and reduces his letter to the required dismal accuracy. Having .seen Riley do this very thing more than once, I know wl reof I speak. Often I have laughed with him over a happy passage, and grieved to see him plough his pen through it. He would say, "I had to write that or die ; and I've got to scratch it out or starve. Ineif would'nt stand it vou know." 80 MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. I think Riley is about tlxe most entertaining comijany I ever saw-. We lodged together in many places in Washington during the winter of '6T-'8, moving comfortably from place to place, and attracting attention by paying our board— a course wliich cannot fail to naake a person conspicuous in Washington. Riley would tell all about his trip to California in the early days, by way of the Isthmus and the San Juan river ; and about his baking bread in San Francisco, to gain a living, and setting up ten-pins, and practising law, and opening oysters, and delivering lectures, and teaching Frencli, aiid tending bar, and reporting for the newspapers, and keeping dancing-school, and interpreting Chincso in the courts— whicli was lucrative, and Riley was doing handsomely and laying up a little money when people began to find fault because his transactions were too " free," a thing for which Riley considered he ought not to be held responsible, since he did not know a word of the Chinese tongue and only adopted interpreting as a means of gaining an honest livelihood. Through the machinations of enemies he was removed from the position of official interpreter, and a man put in his place who was familiar with the Chinese langauge but did not know any English. And Riiey used to tell about publishing a newspaper up in what is Alaska now, but was only an iceberg then, with a population com- posed of bears, walruses, Indians, and other animals ; and how the iceberg got adrift at last, and left all his paying subscribers behind, and as soon as the c>:.mmonwealth floated out of the jurisdiction of Russia the people rose and threw of their allegiance and ran up the English flag, calculating to hook on and become an English colony as they drifted along down the British possessions ; but a land breeze and a crooked current carried them by, and they ran the stars and strips and steered for California, missed the connexion again and swore allegiance to Mexico,but it wasn't any use; the anchors came home every time, and aivay they went witli the northwest trades, drifting ofl* sideways towards the Sandwich Islands, whereon tliey ran up the Cannabal flag and had a grand humaji barbecue in honor of it, in which it was noticed that the better a man liked a friend the better he enjoyed him; and as soon as they got fairly within the tropics tlie weather got so fearfully hot that the iceberg began to melt, and it got so sloppy inidcr foot tliat it was almost impossible for ladies to get about at all ; and at lust, just as they came in sight of tlie islands, the melancholy remnant of the once majestic iceberg canted first to one side and then to the other, and then plunged under forever, currying the national archives along with it— and not only the archives and the popu- luce, but some eligible town lots which had increased in value as fast as they diminished in -iize in the tropics, and which Riley could have sold at thirty cents a pound and made himself rich if he could have kept the pro- vince afloat ten hours longer and got her iut > port. And so forth and so on, with all the facts of Riley's trip through Mexico, a jouniuy whose history his felicitous fancy can make more interesting than any novel that ever was wiitten. Wliat a shame it is to tie Riley down to the dreary mason-work of laying up solemn dead-walls of fact ! He does write a plain, straightforward, and perfectly accurate and reliable corres- r saw. We er of '67-'8, ti by paying spicuous in in tlie early t his bakinff i-pins, and ncl teaching nd keeping 13 lucrative, liien people a thing for iince he did preting as a inations of and a man but did not wspaper up lation com- tlie iceberg i as soon as l)eople rose ing to hook the British cm by, and ! connexion ichors came drifting off uniabal flag 3ed that the oon as they the iceberg impossible light of t!ie ted first to r, carrying I the popu- aa fast as ive sold at il)t the pro- gh Mexico, esting than ij down to I He does ible correfc- y- ir- tto ne •y- lat far ■m- , 'of ing ack •ke. us, jak- jinj? talk fc of but Jghs jr of the wail kept Pre- ture. nt in per a ieath / and . up a ) tvas it, I ley, if which never ny ao of no VyVAAAAA 32U0H M>IKi 80 lodg mov our Was, I day? brea prac Frer danc and bega whic not ] meai enen put : knoTi in w. posei got t the c and on a: poss; they> agaii homi side^ and! bette gotf bega^ for l| islau one .< ther luce, they thirt vinc^ Ar a jot any thed •write / ^ MARK TWAIN's 31EMORANDA. 51 pondence, bnt it seems to me that I would rather hove one cliatty paragraph of his fancy than a whole obituary of his facts. •'^I'loraph .V ^ul '' ?'I methodical, untiringly accommodating, never forc.'^^s anv thxng that IS to be attended to, is a good son, a staund friend a^d I Z' manent, reliable enemy. He will put himself to any amount of oub/t" forfhV?, 1^' "'i*'r'"" '-^'^^^^^ ^'-^^ ^"«^-'^« f-' of things trbtne tl?to? r ''"'r- ^'"'^ ''' '""^^^^ ^'- '^ ch/nearlyeve^ thing, too. He is a man whose native benevolence is a woll-sprinc. tW never goes dry. He stands always ready to help whoever nell Zulft Riley has ready wit, a quickness and aptness at selectinir and annlvinc. One nlht a te " " ''' ' ^'""^""^ ^ ^'^''''^^ exasperating joke Unenght a negro woman was burned to death in a house next door to ,,«' and RUey said that our landlady would be oppressively emotlf: b^k: fast, because she generally made use of such opportunities as offered bein^ o a morbidly sentimental turn, and so we would find it best to heHJl th:tC^;avytVr^^^^^^^^^ ^" ^'^ ^^^^^^-^^-^ ^"t And sure enough, at breakfast the landlady was down in the very sloughs of woe-en irely broken-hearted. Everything she looked at remiuc d h 1 o »e„% . ,0 took a freah breath and ,a,d, with a world l{ sobs ■ that .e„.aa,ne h„„.e for t.e„t,./e«„ ^Z 1:^°^:;^: ir^Z": cross vord and never a lick 1 And oh, to think ehe should ,„e;t .uchTdHth at last !-a-„tti„g „vor the red-hot alove at thre, o'oloo': in 17,37 , went to sleep and fell on it a., , was actually .ol„ , / „„ ", ZH^Ht cooked I am but . „oor -■,..„,,„ m ev,n ,f I have to .eri,„p to d„ it I mllpnlnpatombstme ov !!..,; l„„e snfferer's ™ve-.,„l M, B' ■, yon would have the goodness ... thn.k „p . little epical ,„tf ^ I'- ' ...m ..H of describe the aw,„l way i„ wh.eh shrXr-!!' "" " """"' .nnled ""'"• *"°^ '"'' '""""' """•""' ' "' ""'^ M"/, and ne,er -n.e,.ence--it i. worft'iS^gtlf ITS l^^^l """"' ""' " " "^ "" ^2 JfARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. OOLDSMITH'S FRIEND ABROAD AGAIN.] [Continued. JJ [Note.— No e.Kperieiice is set clown in the following lcttcr.9 which had to he invented. Fancy is not needed to give variety to a Oiinanian's sojourn in America. Plain fact is amply sufficient.] LETTER V. Sa.v Francisco, 18—. Dkar Chino-Foo : You will remember that I liad just been thrust violcTitly into a cell in the city prison when I wrote last. I atumbled and fell on some one. I got a lilow and a curse ; and on top of tho^e a kick or two and a shove. In a second or two it was plain that I was in a nest of prisoners and was being " passed around " — for the instant I was knocked out of the way of one I fell on the head or heels of another and was promptly ejected, only to land on a third prisoner and get a new contribution of kicks and curses and a new destination. I brought up at last in an unoccupied corner, very much battered and bruised and sore, but glad enough to be left alone for a little while. I was on the flag-stones, for there was no furniture in the den except a long, broad board, or combination of boards, like a bam door, and this bed was accommodating five or six persons, and that was its full cap;vcity. They lay stretched side by side, snoring — when not fighting. One end of the board was four inches higher than the other, and so the slant answered for a pillow. There were no blankets, and tlio nights was a little chilly ; the nights are always a little chilly in San Francisco, though never severely cold. The board was a deal more comfortable than the stones, and occasionally some flag stone ]ilebcian like me Avoiild try to creep to a place on it ; and then the aristocrats would hammer him good and make him think that a flag-stone pavement was a nice enough place after all, I lay quiet in my corner, stroking my bruises and listening to the reve- lations the prisimers made to each other — and to me — for some that were near me talked a good deal. I had long had an idea that Americans, being free, had no need of prisons, which tare a contrivance of despots for keeping restless patriots out of mischief. So I was considerably surprised to find out my mistake. Ours was a big general cell, it seemed, for the temporary accommodation of all comers whose crimes we^e trifling. Among us there were two Americans, two "Greasers" (Mexicans), a Frenchman, a German, four Irislimen, a Chilinean ''and, in the next cell, only separated from us by a grating, two women), all drunk, and all more or less noisy ; and as night fell and advanced, they grew more and more discontented and disorderly, occasionally shaking the prison bars and glari.ig through them at the slowly pacing ofticcr, and cursing him with all their hearts. The two women were nearly middle-aged, and they had only had enough liquor to stimulate instead of stupefy them. Consequently they would fondle and kiss each other for some minutes, and then fell to fighting and keep it up till they were juat two MAIIK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 83 3 which had an's sojourn ), 18- . been thrust iinibled and ^ie a kick or n a nest of vaa knocked as promptly ion of kicks unoccupied (h to be left lo furniture irds, like a s, and that — when not ! other, and I tlic nights Francisco, rtable than oiild try to n\ good and .ce after all . to the reve- 3 til at were icans, being for keeping sad to find immodation were two irman, four Dm us by a d as night disorderly, i the slowly wo women liquor to lie and kiss ip it up till Th«n +1 1 , ^''*'''^"« t''^"gles of rags and blood and tumbled hair Then they would rest awhile, and pant and swear. While they were aff c tionate^hey always spoke of each other as ''ladies" but wlL h ylto" fighting ''strumpet" was the mildest name they could think of-and Tv las Lhf T: ^''^V'' '" tacking some sounding profanity to it. In their las hght, which was toward midnight, one of them bit off tL other's finle and then the officer interfered and put the "Greaser" into the ''carktr' to answer for it-because the woman that did it laid it on him, and he ot i- won..„ Id n t deny it, because, as she said afterward, she " ;..:nted an h rrtlve^Tvilw-'^^"*^"^^'^'^^""^''" ^"^ - B^-clidnotw keep themselves in smoking tobacco and such other luxuries '"the v "tit ^dk to Mother Leonard's and get drunk ; and from there to Kean ey str e ■uid steal something ; and thence to tliis city prison and „.vf 1 T . «u. OH quarters in the county jail again. OnJ of tL^t '; n^pT ih ! up for nine years, and the other foiu- or five, and both Ja\T ^ f end their days in that prison."* Finally, bo hies c al^s tfl """^ ''' while I was dozing with my head again.' their gatL 2^^^^^^^^ '^"^ "^^ siderably, because they discovered that I was a Cht ^n.' il "'^ '*'"" " a bloody interlopin' loafer, come ni he dev 1^^'^ '/^f V "'" Loafer" means one who will not work. °\Tl I All fcJoNo Hi. LETTER VI. Dear Chin«-Foo,-To continup ih. + ''^^'', Francisco, 18-. between them by pounding me in Dirtn..r«l.,-,. if , ^^'^^P-'^tV <^reated 84 MAKK TWAINS MEMORANDA. Another of our company was a boy of fourteen who ]iad been watche,(I for some time by ofhcors and teachers, and repeatedly detected in enticing^ young girls from the public schools to the lodgings of gentlemen down town. He had been furnished with lures in the form of pictures and books of a j)eculiar kind, and these he had distrbuted among his clients. There were likenesses of fifteen of these young girls on exhibition (only to prominent citizens and persons in authority, it was said, though most people came to get a sight) at the polico headcpiarters, but no punishment at all was to be Inflicted on the poor little misses. The boy was afterward sent into captivity at the House of Correction for some months, and there was a strong disposi- tion to punish the gentlemen who had employed the boy to entice tlie girls, but as that could not be done witlumt making public the names of those gentlemen and thus injuring them socially, the idea was finally L,nveu up. There was ;ilso in our cell that night a photographer (a kind of artist who- makes likenesses of people with a machine), wIkj had been for some time i>atch- ing pictured heads of well-known and respectable young ladies to the nude, pictured bodies of another class of women ; then from tliis patchfd creation ho would make i)hotographs and sell them privately at high prices to rowdies and blackguards, averring that these, the best y(jung ladies of the city, had hired hiui to take their likenesses in that unclad condition. Wliat a lecture the polico judge read that photographer when ho was convicted I He told him his crime was little less than an outrage. Ho abused that photographer till he almost made him sink through the floor, and then he lined him a hun- dred dollars. And he told him he might consider himself lucky that h& didn't fine him a hundred and twenty-five dollars. They are awfully severe on crime here. About two and a half hours after midnight, of that first experience of mine in the city prison, such of us as were dozing were awakened by a noise of beating and dragging and groaning, and in a little while a man was pushed into our den with a " There, d — n you, soak there a spell ! "—and then the gate was closed and the officers went away again. The man who was thrust among us fell limp and helplessi by the grating, but as nobody could roach him with a kick without the trouble of hitching along toward him or gettino- fairly up to deliver it, our people only grumbled at him, and cursed him and called him insulting names — for misery and hardship do not make their victims gentle or charitable toward each other. But as he neither tried liumbly to conciliate our people nor swoi-e back at them, his unnatural con- duct created surj^rise, and several of the party crawled to him where ho lay in the dim light that came through the grating, and examined into his case. His head was very bloody and his wits wore gone. After about an hour, he sat up and stared around ; then his eyes grew more natural, and ho began to tell how that he was going along with a bag on his shoulder, and a brace of policemen ordered him to stoj., which he did not du was cliascd and Oftught, beaten ferociously about the head on the way to the prison and after arrival there, and finally thrown into our den like a dog. And in a few seconds he sank down again and grew flighty of apeech. One of our people en watche,(I in enticinjr lown town, bonks of a L'hevo were prominent le came to 1 was to be :o captivity mg (lisposi- 1 the girls, cs of tliose veil up. f artist wlia time i)atcli- I the mule, creation he to rowdies e city, had ,t a lecture : He told otographer him a hun- ky that he ully severe )erience of by a noise was pushed cl then the was thrust ould reach . or getting irsed him make their ithcr tried atural con- lere he lay bo his case, n hour, he I he began ind a brace iliascd and n and after 1 in a few our 2>cople MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. was at last penetrated with son ' ..ing vaguely akin to „„.. for he looked out through the gi.uing at the guardian offi fro and said 86 compassion, may bo, car pacing to and "Say, Mickey, this shrimp's goin' to die." " Stop your noise ? " was all the answer he got. But presently one man tried It again. He drew himself to the gratings, grasping them with his hands, and looking out through them, sat waiting till the oflicer was passin-r once more, and then said : " " Sweetness, you'd better mind your eye, now, because, you beats have killed this cuss. You've busted his head, and he'll pass in his checks before sun-up. \^nl better go for a doctor, now, you bet you had." The officer delivered a sudden rap on our man's knuckles with his club, that sent him scampering and howling among the sleeping forms on the flag' stones, and an answering burst of laughter came from the half-doziTn policemen idling about the railed desk in the middle of the duD-eon. But there was a putting of heads together out there presently, and a •conversing in low voices, which seemed to show that our man's talk had made an impression ; and presently an officer went away in a hurry, and shortly came back with a person who entered our cell and felt the bruisoil man's pulse, and threw the glare of a lantern on his drawn face, striped with blood, and his glassy eyes, fixed and vacant. The doctor examined th« man's broken head also, and presently said : "If you'd called me an hour ago I might have saved this man, may be- too late now." Then he walked out into the dungeon and the officers surrounded him, cand they kept up a low and earnest buzzing of conversation for fifteen minutes, I should think, and then the doctor took his departure from the prison. Several of the officers now came in and worked a little with the wounded man, but toward daylight he died. It was the longest, longest night ! And when the daylight came filter- ing reluctantly into the dungeon at last, it was the grayest, dreariest, sad.lest daylight ! And yet, when an officer by and by turned off the sickly yellow gas flame, and immediately the gray of dawn became fresh and white, there was a lifting of my spirits that acknowledged and btlievcd that the night was gone, and straightway I fell to stretching my sore limbs, and lookfng about me with a grateful sense «rf relief and a returning interest in life! About ma lay the evidences that what seemed now a feverish dream and a nightmare was the memory .,)f a reality insterwJ. For on the boards lay four frowsy, ragged, bearded vagabonds, snoring— one turned end-for-end and resting an unclean foot, in a ruined stocking, on the liairy breast of a neigh- bor ; the young boy was uneas-, and lay moaning in Ms sleep ; other forms lay half revealed and half concealed about the fl i- ; in the furthest comer the gr.ay light fell upon a slaset, whose elevatiOj.s . nd depressions indicated the places of the dead man's face and feet andfol hd hands ; through and the dividing bars one could discern the almost nude forms of the two exiles from the county jail twined together in a drunken embrace, and sodden with •sleep. 86 MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA, By and by nil tlio anininls in sill n high behind what they call a pulpit in this c iintry, and at some clerks antl other ofKcials seated l)elow hiu — :in(l waited. This was the police court. The e.jurt opened. Pretty soon I was compelled to notice that a culprit's nationality made for or against him in this court. Ovcrwhelmins,' proofs were necessary t',. convict an Irishman of crioK", and oven then his punish mcnt amounted to little ; Frenchmen, Spaniards, and Italians liiul strict and nnprejudiced justice meted out to them, in e.xact accordance with the evidence ; negroes were promptly punished, when there was the slightest preponderance of tcstin;.-iv against them ; but Chinamen were pindshed alinoj.i, apparently. K.r.v lids cr^vo me some uneasiness, I confess, i knew that this state cf thim.-'. ..,■«,: of necessity be accidental, because in this coun- try all men were fv;-.^ ar,.I -.jual, and one person could not take to himself an advantage not accorded r > rdl other individuals. I knew that, and yet in spite of it I was uneasy. And I grew still more uneasy, when I found that any succored and be- friended refugee from Ireland or el.scwhcre could stand )ip before that judge and swear away the life or liberty or character of a refugee from China ; but that by the law of the land Ch'inaman cnihJ u„f irsflf,/ iujuind thr Iriiihmau. I was really and truly uneasy, but still my faith in the universal liberty that America accords and defends, and my deep veneration for the land that of- fered all distressed outcasts a home and protection, was strong within me, and I said to myself that it would all come out rigl.t yet. Air SoNu Hi. (Xot Concluded.) A REMINISCENCE (^F THE BACK SETTLEMENTS. " Now that corpse, (said the undertaker, patting the folded hands of deceased approvingly) was a brick— 3very way you took him he was a brick. He was so real accommodating, and so modost-like and simple in iiis last mo- ments. Friends wanted metalic burial case— nothing else would do. I couldn't get it. There warn't going to bj time— anybody could f^ee that. Corpse said never mind, shake him up some kind of a box he could stretch out in comfortable, he warn't particular 'bout the gener.al styl(* of it. Said he went more on room than style, sny way, in a last final container. Friends wanted a silver door plate on the coffin, signifying who he was and wher' he tchocl tlieih- clamoi' for ite.ik on tin And after Hit intr) the mda, of all •f tlio pljico ; IocIi'ihI fast And tliis they call ,i 1 below Jiiiu -t a culprit's niii!,' i)roofs hh ]iunish- .1 strict and with the le slightest 3 punished s. T knc\\ 1 thisconn- liiniself fin and yet in h1 and be- tliat judge !hina ; but Irish )n(iv. iberty that id that of- (vithin me, >Nu Hi. MAHK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. was from. Now yaii know a feller couldn't 87 l hands of IS a brick. Is last mo- ld do. I eee that, d stretch it. Said Friends I wher' he roust out such a gaily thin-' as that m .a little cf.untry town like this. Wliat did corpse say ! Corpse said whitewasli his old canoe and dob his address and general destination onto it witli a l)lacking brusli and a stencil plate, long witli a verse from some likelv hymn or other, and p'int liim for the toml), and mark liimC. O. D and just let him skip along. He warn't distressed anymore than you be-on the contrary, just as cann and collected as a hcarse-liorse ; said hejud-'ed that wher' he was gf.ing to, a body would find ic considerable better to" attract attention by a pictures-iuo moral cliaracter tlian a nat rial c.so with a fiwell door-plate on it. Splendid man, he was. I'd dr. aer do fur a corpse Ike that nany I've tackled in seven year. Tliere's son.e satisfaction in bnrxTin a man like that. Yoti feel tliat what you are doing is appreciated Lord bless you, so's he got planted before he sp'iled, he was pe.rfectlv satished ; said h.s relations meant well, ;;nfectly well, but all them pi'cpara- tions was bound to delay the thing more or less, and lie didn't wisli to be kept layin' around. You never see such a cleai head as what lie liad - and so carm and so co.,I. Jnst a liunk of brains-tliat is what /«• was. Perfectly awful, it w;is a ripping distance from one end of that man's head to t'<.tlier Often and ovor a-^ain he's liad brain fever a raging in .uie place, and the re.=t "t the pile didu t know anytliing about it-didu't .afreet it auv mure tlian an Injun insurrection in Arizona affects tlie Atlantic States. Well the relations they wanted a big funeral, but corpse said he was down on Ihimmerv-didn't want :un i.roce.ssion-Sll the hearse full of mourners, and get out a stern hue an.l tow }u,a behind. I[e uxts the most down on style of anv reiuains 1 ever struck. A beautiful, simple-minded creatnro~it was what he was vou ean depend on that. He was just set on liavmg things tlie way lie wanted the-.., an.l he took a solid comfort in laying his little plan.s. He lud ni3 measure him, and) take a whole raft of directions ; tlieu he hawerful loss to tliis poor little one-horse town Well well well I hain't got time to be palavering along here-got to nail on the hd and mosey along with him; and if you'll just give me a lift we'll skeet him into the hearse and meander ah.ng. Relations l)o,ui.l to have it so-dont pay no attention to dying injun.tions, minute a corpse's gone- ^> IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-S) k 3 /. ^/ /. v., 1.0 2,5 I.I ^ 1^ 12.0 11:25 i 1.4 — 6" 1.6 <^ /; O^^^y, ^x !-•_ Sciences Corporation 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. MS80 (716) 872-4503 V qv \\ ^^ % ^ >. '^kX ^ .v% ^ t^ ^^^"' O^ ^ A ■^ .^\^ ,.v C/a ^ % 88 MARK TWAINS MKMOUANDA but if I had nvj way, if I didn't respect his hist wishes and tow liim behind the hearse, I'll be cuss'd. I consider that whatever a corpse wants done for his comfort is a little enough matter, and a man hain't got no right to deceive him or take advantage of him —and whatever a corpse trusts me to do I'm a going to (/(>, you know, even if it's to stuff him and paint him yaller and keep him for a keepsake — you liear me /" He cracked his whip and went lumbering away with his ancient ruin of aliearse, and I continued my walk with a valuable lesson learned— that a healthy and wholesome cheerfulness is not necessarily impossible to any oc- upation. The lesson is likely to be lasting, for it will take many months to obliterate the memory of the remarks and circumstances that impressed it. A GENERAL REPLY "When I was sixteen or seventeen years old, a si)lendid idea burst upon me— a bran-new one, which had never occurred to anybody before : I would write some " pieces" and take them down to the editor of the " Rei>ublican,'' and ask him to give me his plain unvarnished opinion of their value ! Now as old and threadbare as the idea was, it was fresh and beautiful to me, and it went iiaming and crashing through my systeui like the genuine lightni?Mc and thunder of originality. I wrote the pieces. I wrote them with that placid confidence and that happy facility which only want of practice and absence of literary experience can give. There was not one sentence in them that cost half an hour's weighing and sliaping and trimming and fixing. Indeed, it is possible that there was no one sentence whose mere wording' cost even one-sixth of that time. If I remember rightly, there Avas not one single erasure or interlineation in all that chaste manuscript. (I have since lost that largo belief in my powers, and likewise that marvelous perfection of execution.) I started down to the " Republican" office with my pocket full of manuscripts, my brain full of dreams, and a grand future opening out before mo. I knew perfectly well that the editor would be ravished with my pieces. But presently However, the particulars are of no consequence. I was only about to say that a shadowy sort of doubt just then intruded nbon my exaltation. Another came, and another. Pretty soon a whole procession of them. And at last, when J stood before the " Republican" office and looked up at its tall, unsympathetic front, it seemed hardly mc that could have " chinned" its towers ten minutes before, and was now so shrunk up and pitiful that if I dared to step on the gratings I should probably go through. At about that crisis the editor, the very man I had come to consult, came down stairs, and halted a moment to pull at his wristbands and settle his ay.ittci iti? place, and he happened to notice that I was eyeing him wist- fully. He asked me what I wanted. I answered, " Nothing !" -with a toy's own meekness and shauie ; and dropping ^•; eyes, crept humbly round till I was fairly in the alley, and then drew a big grateful breath of relief, and picked up my heels and ran ' MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 89 w liim behind ants done for ght to deceive ic to do I'm a n yaller and iicient ruin of irnod — that a jle to a n\i oc- ny months to impressed it. a burst upon Fore : I would llepnblican,'' value ! Now, ul to lue, and line lightni?-'g m with that practice and e sentence in ig and fixing, lere woi'ding > was not one (I have since perfection of h my pocket 3 opening out avished with ily about to y exaltation. ■ them. And ced up at its ) ' ' chinned" pitiful that if 3 to consult, ids and settle ig him wist- ' with a boy's r round till I '. relief, and 1 was satisfied. I wanted no more. It was my llrst attempt to get a 'I plain unvarnished opinion" out of a literary man concerning my composi- tions, and it haa lasted me until now. And in these latter days, whenever 1 receive a bundle of MS. through the mail, with a request that I will pass judgment upon its merits, I feel like saying to the author, " If you had only taken your piece to some grim and stately newspaper office, where you did not know anybody, yoi! would not have so fine an opinion of your produc- tion as it is easy to see you have now." Every man who becomes editor of a newspaper or magazine straicditway begins to receive MSS. from literary aspirants, togethjr with requesls that he wU deliver judgment upon the same. And after complying in eight or ten instances, he finally takes refuge in a general sermon upon the subject, which he inserts in his publication, and always afterward refers such corres- pondents to that sermon for answer. I have at lact reached this station in my literary career. I now cease to reply privately to my applicants for ad- vice, and proceed to construct my jmblic sermon. As all letters of the sort I am speaking of contain the very same matter, lifTtJiently worded, T ofi"er as a fair average specimen the last one I have re- ceived : Mark Twain, Esq. • '^• Dear Sir : I am a youth, just out of school and ready to start in life 1 Have looked around, but don't see anything that suits exactly. Ts a liter- ary life easy and profitable, or is it tlie hard times it is generally put up for I It wmthe easier than a good many if not most of the occupations, and I feel drawn to launch out on it, make or break, sink or swim, survive or perish ^ow, what are the conditions of success in literature I You need not bo atraid to paint the thing just as it is. I can't do any worse than fail. Every- thing else off-ers the same. When I thought of the law-yes, and five or six other professions— I found the same thing was the case every time viz'- all JuU—overnm-evevii profession so cranwuid that success Is rendered immssi- ble-too man>i hands and not cnowjh ivorL But I must try something, and so I turn at last to literature. Something tells me that that is the trre bent ot my genius, if I have any. I enclose some of my pieces. Will you read them over and give me your candid, unbiased opinion of them.' And now 1 iiate to trouble you, but you liave been a young man yourself, and what I want IS tor you to get me a newspaper job of writting to do. You know many newspaper people, and I am entirely unknown. And will you make the beat terius you can for me ? though I do not expect what might be called higii wages at first, of oounje. Will you candidly say what such articles as these I enclose are worth ] I have plenty of them. If you should sell these and let me know, I can send you more, as good and may be better than in .so. Au early reply, etc. Yours truly, etc. I will answer you in good faith. Wiiether my remarks shall have great value or not, or my suggestions worth following, are problems which I take great pleasure in leaving entirely to you for solution. To begin : There are several questions in your letter which only a man's life experience can evene tually answer for him-not another man's words. I will simply skip those. I. Literature, like the ministry, medicine, the law, and all other occu- 90 MAIIK TWAIN's MKMORAXDA. rations, is cramped and liindered f.n want of men to do tlio work, not .want ef work to do. When peoilo tell yon the reverse, they speak liiat which is not trne. If you desire to test this, yon i,eed only lumt np u first-class editor reporter, business manager, foreman of a shop, mechanic, or artist in any branch of industry, and tnj i„ hire hi,n. You will find tliat he is already hired. He is sober, indnstrious, capable, and reliable, and is always in de- mand. He cannot get a day's holiday except by courtesy of his employer, or his city, or the great general public. But if you need idlers, cMrkers, half- instructed, nnambiti.nis, and comf.;rt-..eeking editors, reporters, lawyers doctors, and mechanics, apply anywhere. There arc millions of them to be had at the dropping of a handkerchief. 2. ]No ; I must not and will not venture any opinion whatever as to the literary merit of your productions. The public is the only critic wliose judgment is w.n-tli anything at all. Do not take my poor word for this, but reflect a moment and take your own. For instance, if Sylvanus Cobb or T. S. Arthur had submitted their maiden MSS. to you, you would li;vve said with tears in your eyes, «' Now please don't write any more !" IJut you see yourself how popular thoy are. And if it had been left to y,.u, you would have said the " INfarblo Faun" was tiresome, and that even "'raradiso Lost- lacked cheerfulness ; but you know they sell. Many wiser and betttv men than you pooh-poohed Shakespeare, even as late as two centuries ago ; but still that old party has out lived those people. No, I will not sit in jud-^- ment upon your litcratnro. If I honestly and conscientiously pruised'it, "l might thus help to iiiHict a lingering and pitiless bore upon the public ; if I honestly and conscientiously condemned it, I might thus rob the woi' an undeveloped and unsuspected Dickens or Shakespeare. 3. I shrink from hunting up literary labor for you to do and receive pay for. Whenever your literary productions have proved for themselves that they have a real value, you will never have to go around hunting for remunerative literary work to do. You will re.]uire more hands than°you have now, and more brains than yon probably ever will have, to do even half the work that will be offered yon. Now, in order to arrive at the proof of value hereinbefore spoken of, one needs only to adopt a very simple and cer- tainly very sure process ; and that is, to nrite. witlumt pay vntil somcho(hj offeiy pay. If nobody ofFers pay within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he Avas intended for. If he has any wisdom at all, then, he will retire with dignity and assume his haven-appointed vocation. In the above remarks I have only otTered a course of action whicli Mr. Dickens and most other successful literary men had to fc^'ow ; but it is a course which will find no sympathy with my client, perhaps. The young literary aspirant is a very, very curiou , creature. He knows that if he wished to become a tinner, the master smith would require him to prove the possession of a good character, and would require him to promise to stay in the shop three years— possibly four— and would make him sweep out and bring water and build fires all the first year, and let him learn to black stoves ble. siaiio) MAHK TA'AIn's MK.M GRAND/,. 91 wurk, iiotAvant iiatwliich is not •st-class editor, >r artist in any t ]io is already 13 always in de- lis employer, or I c'urkcrs, lialf- irlers, liiwyers, i of them to be ttevcr as to the y critic whoso rd for this, but 'anus Cobl) or )uld haro said. ]>iit you see '■'U, j'ou would Paradise Lost" id betttv men urics li'^o ; but )t sit ill judg- Y praised it, I he public ; if ] the woi ! nd receive pay lemselves that d hunting for ands than you to do even half t the proof of iniple and eer- (idil somelmdji date may look the sign that an at all, then, iation. m whicii Mr. V ; but it is a The young )ws that if he n to i>rove the liso to stay in iveep out and ;o black stoves n the intervals ; and for these good honest services would pay him two suits of cheap clothes and liis board ; and next year ho would begin to receive in- structions in the trade, and a dollar a week would be added tf) his emf)hj- ments ; and two dollars would b<. added the third year, and three the foui-th ; and tluni, if he had become a lirst-rate tinner, he woidd get about lifteen or twonty, or may be thirty dollars a week, with never a possibility of getting seventy-live while he lived. Tf he wanted to become a mechanic of any other kii 1, he would have to inidergo this same tedious, ill-paid apprentice- ship. It ho wanted to become a lawyer or a doctor, he would have fifty times worse ; for he would get nothing at all during his long apprenticeship, and in [addition woidd have to i.ny a large sum f(n- tuition, and have the privilege of boarding and clothing himself. The literary aspirant knovs all this, and yet he has the hardihood to i)resent hiniself for reception into tlie literary/ guild and ask to share its high Iwmors and emoluments, without a single twolvemonth's ai)prentices]iip to show in excuse for his presumption I Ho would smile pleasantly if he were asked to make even r.o simple a thing as a ten-cent tiu dipper without previous instruction in the art ; but, all green and ignorant, wordy, pompously-a.-isortive. nngrammatical, a.' 1 with a vague, distorted knowledge of men and the world acijiiired in a back country village, ho will serenely take up so dangerous a weapon as a pen, and attack the most formidable subject that finance, commerce, war, or ixditics can furnish him withal. It Avould be laughable if it -vere not so sad and so pitia- ble, TJie p(.or fellow would not intrude upon the tin-shop without an aj)- prenticeship, but is willing to seize and wield with unpractised hand an in- strument which is able to overthrow dynasties, change religions, and decree the weal or woe of nations. It' my corresp' ndent Avill write free of charge for the newspapers of his neighborhood, it will be one of the strangest things that ever happened if he does not get all the employment he can attend to on tliose terms. And as soon as ever his writings are worth money, plenty of people will hasten to offer it. And by way of serious and well-meant encouragement, I wish to urge upon him once more the truth that acceptable writers for the press are so scarce that book and periodical publishers are seeking thom constantly, and with a vigilance that never grows heedless for a moment. FAVORS FROM CORRESPONDENTS. Out of a nisty and dusty old scrap-1 ook a friend in Nevada resurrects the following verses for us. Thirty years ago they were very popular. It was on a wager as to whether this poem originated in the " Noctes Anibro- siaiiaj " or not that Leicester won two thousand pounds : TliK lawyer's POE.'M. "VVhcroas, on .smidiy boughs and sprays Now ilivuis birds are lieiu'd to siiit'! D2 MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. Ami sundry flowers their heads upraise To Imil tlie coining on ol' Spring ; The songs of the said bird arouse Tlie ineni'ry of our youthful liours— As young and green us the snid lioughs, As fresh anil fair as the said flowers. The hints aforesaid, happy pairs, Love 'midst tiie aforesaid lioughs enshrines In househohl nests— tlicmselves, tlieir lieirs, Administrators, and assigns. O busiest time of Cupid's court, "When tender plaintiffs a(;tions bring '. v^casons of frolic and of sport, Hail, as aforesaid, coming Spring ! Occasionally from some suffering soul there comes to this department a frantic appeal for Ixelp, which just boils an entire essay down into one ex- haustipe sentence, and leaves nothing more to be said upon that subject. Now, can the reader find any difficulty in picturing to himself Avhat 'this "Subscriber" has been going through out there at Hazel Green, Wisconsin ? Mr. Twain. My Dear Sir: Do not, in your Memoranda, forget the travelling book agents. They are about as tolerable as lightning-rod men, especially the "rtd-nosed chaps" who sell "juveniles," temperance tracts, and such like delectable fodder. Yours, etc. A SCBSCRIBER. Such subscription canvassers, probably, are all this correspondent's fancy paints them. None but those canvassers who sell compact concentrations of solid wisdom, like the work entitled " The Innocents Abroad," can really be said to be indispensable to the nation. pray In a graceful feminine hand comes the following, from a city of lUnois : Reading your remarks upon " innocents" in a, recent issue, I must tell you how that touching little obituary was received here. I attended a lecture, and sat beside and was introduced to a young minister from Pennsylvania, a few evenings since. Having my magazine in my hand and knowing the proverbial ministerial love of a joke, I handed him a little poem, simply whispering " Mark Twain." He read it through gravely, and in the most serious manner turned to me and whispered, " Did Mark Twain write that I" " Breathes there a man with soul so dead !" If this is a specimen of your Eastern young ministers, we Western girls will take no more at present, I thank you. Speaking of ministers reminds me of a joke that I always thought worth publishing ; it is a fact, too, which all the jokes published are not. is department a na inti) one ex- )n that subject, nself Avhat this ?en, Wisconsin ? the travelling men, esi)ecially ;racts, and such L SCBSOKIBER. ipondent's fancy iucentrations of ad," can really city of lUnoas : sue, I must tell jd to a young my magazine in joke, I handed .nner turned to B Western girls I thought worth not. MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 93 The Rev. Dr. H. was a nnnistcr in our stylish little city some years sinco.He was a pompous, nnportant, flowery sort of preacher-very popular with the masses He exchanged pulpits with old Solomon N., the plain meek old nunister of the little C. church, one Sabbath ; and tile expictani h?8 texr^""^^'* ''"'' '"''i'"'"* ^'^'""'^ *^»« fe'*"*"^ I^''- «rose and gave out as " For l>eliol(l ii greater tlmn Solomon is here !" It is said that once a man of small consecjuence died, and the Rev. T. K. Beecher was asked to preach his funeral sermon— a man who abhors the lauding of people, either dead or alive, except in dignified and simple lan- guage, and then only iur merits which ihey actually possessed or possess, not merits which they merely ought to have possessed. The friends of the deceased got up a stately funeral. They must have had misgivings that the corpse might not bo praised strongly enough, for they prepared some manu- script headings and notes in which nothing was left unsaid on tlie subject that a fervid imagination and an unabridged dictionary could compile, and these tliey handed to the minister as he entered the pulpit. They 'were merely intended as suggestions, and so the friends were filled with conster- nation when the minister stood up in the pulpit and proceeded to read oft' the curious odds and ends in ghastly detail and in a loud voice ! And their consternation solidified to petrifaction when he paused at the end, contem- plated the multitude reflectively, and then said impressively : "The man would be a fool who tried to add anything to that. Let us pray I " An-d with the same strict adhesion to truth it can be said that the man would be a fool who tried to add anything to the following transcendant obituary poem. There is sometliing so innocent, so guileless, so complacent so unearthly serene and self-satisfied about this peerless " hogwash, " that the man must be made of stone who can read it without a dulcet ecstacy creeping along Lis backbone and quivering in his marrow. There is no need to say that this poem is genuine and in earnest, for its proofs are written .all over its face. An ingenious scribbler might imitate it after a fashion, but Shakespeare himself could not counterfeit it. It is noticeable that' the country editor who published it did not know that it was a treasure and tne most perfect thing of its kind that the storehouses and museums of literature could show. He did not dare to say no to the dread poet— for such a poet must have been something of an apparition— but he just shovelled It into his paper anywhere that came handy, and felt ashamed, and put that disgusted " Published by Request " over it, and hoped that his subscribers would overlook it or not feel an impulse to read it. 04 MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. [Pulilishcd by Reriuest.] LINES Composed on tlic dcitli of S.iiiui.d and Catharine Hclknap's children. liY M. A. (U.AZi;. Friends and neighbors all draw near, And listen to what I have to say ; .\nd nevei leave your children dear Wlien they are small, and go away. IJut always think of that sad fate, That liapiK'ned in tiie year of 'tilj ; Four eiiildren wii/n a house did burn, Tliink of their awful agony. Their mother she had gone away, And left them there alone to stay ; The house took fire and (h)wn did burn, llefore their mother did return. Their piteous ery the neighI)ors heard, And then the ery of tire was given ; Hut, ah ! before they could them reach. Their little spirits had flown to Heaven. Their father he to war liad gone. And on the battle-field was slain ; But little did he think when he went awav, But what on earth they would meet again. The iieighliors often told his wife Not to leave his chihhvn there, Unless slie got some one to stay. And of the little ones take care. The eldest he was j'ears not six. And the youngest oidy eleven months old ; But often she had left Lhem there alone, As, by the neighbors, 1 have been told. How can she bear to si^e the place. Where she so oft has left them there, Without a single one to look to them. Or of the little ones to take good care. Oh, can she look upon the spot, Whereumler their little burnt bones lay. But what she thinks she hears them s;iy, " 'Twas God had pity, and took us oil high. ' And there may she kneel down and pray. And ask God her to forgive ; And she may lead a tiilferent life Wliile she ou earth remains to live. Her husband and her children, too, God has took from pain and woe. May she reform and mend her ways, That she may also to them go. MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. And wlicn it is God's Iinly will, ^ ^ O, inuy slic In- |>rcimic(i To meet lii-i- (Jod and Cricnds in ];eacc, -And leave this world of cure 95 ^'ic/loho1l, Ph., Fd). 8, 18G3, AN ENTERTAINING ARTICLE. I takotlie following paragrapli from an article in the Boston "Adver- tiser"; fH.l.ft''f^''*"'""/^'i*i"',' r ^^'V*'' TwAix.-Porhaps the most successful 1 gilts of humor of Mark Twam have b.-cn descriptions of the persons v-h did not appreciate is humor at all. We have l.ecome familiar with the Cahforn.ans who where thrilled with terror by his burlesque of a news aper reporter's way of elling a story, and we have heard of^ the PennsylVania clergyman who sadly returned his " Innocents Abroad" to the iSagcn « ith the remark that " the man who could shed tears over the tomb of Adam nuu,t be an idiot." Hut Mark Twain may now ads I dearly wanted to do it, for I cannot write anything half so delicious myself If I had a cast iron dog that could read this English criticism and preserve his austerity, I would drive him off the door-stop.-EoiTOR Memorandv.] [From the London Saturday Review] REVIEWS OF NEW BOOKS. The Innocexts Abroad. A Book of Travels, don : Hotten, publisher. 1870. Lord Macaulay died too soon. We never felt this so deeply as when we finished the last chapter of the above-named extravagant work. Macaulay died too soon-for none but he could mete out complete and comprehensive justice to the insolence, the impertinence, the presumption, the mendacity and, above all, the majestic ignorance of this author. ' To say the -'Innocents Abroad" is a curious book, would be to use the faintest language-would be to speak of the Matterhom as a neat elevation or of a Niagara as being "nice" or " pretty." " Curious" is too tame a w(,>-d wherewith to describe the imposing insanity of this work. Th«rp is no word that IS large enough or long enough. Let us, therefore, photograph a passing glimpse o. book and author, and trust the rest to the reader. Let the culti- vated English etudent of human nature picture to himself this Mark Twain By Mark Twain. Lon- 9G MARK TWAINS MEJIORANDA. as a person csp.iblu <>f doiny the following-described things— :uid not only doing them, but with incredible innocence priutinij them calmly and tran- (juiliy in a book. For instance : He states tliat ho entered a hair-dresser's in Paris to get shaved, and the tirst " rake " the barber gave with his razor it bonened his ^'hide " and liftfil hlin out egin, and if wo knew where to begiu,°we certainly would not know where to leave off. We will give one .specimen, and one onlv He did not know, nntil he got to Rome that Michael Angelo was dead ' And then, instead of crawling away and hiding his shameful i-niorance somewhere, ho proceeds to express a pious, grateful sort of satisfaction that he is gone and ont of his troubles. No, the reader may seek ont the author's exhibitions of his uncnitivatii.n for himself. The book is absolutely dangerous, considering the ma"nitnde and variety of its misstatements, and the convincing confidence with" which they are made. And yet it is a text-book in the schools of America. The poor blunderer mouses among the sublime creations of the Old Masters, trying to acrpiire the elegant proficiency in artknowlcdgc, which lie has a groping sort of comprehension is a proper thing for the travelled man to be able to display. But what is the matter of his study i And what is the progress he achieves ? To what extent does ho familiarize himself with 08 MAUK TWAINS MKMOUANIM. tliugii'iit piiturcs f>f Itiily, and wliut degroo of aiiprt'ciiitiuu duuH ho aniv." at I. Ki-iid : Wlifii wt) Hi'i) a iiiDiik L,'nini,' alM.iit with a linn iukI Ini.kin;; iip inlu lifaviMi. wo kiinw tliat tliaf, is St. M.iik. Wli.n wo hoo a luonk wiTh a hook ami a ].oii, looking tiaii(|illi'(l np to hoavon, ti-yiiif^ to think of v wonl, wo know that that is St. Matthjw. When wo boo a monk Kitting on a rock, looking traiKpiilly \ip to hoavon, with a human skull lusido liim,"and without otli.T I'iiggago, \v(,> know that that is St. Jomnu-. iJocaUHr wo know that ho always w.Mit flying light in tlio mattor of l^iggago. Whon wo soo otlior monks looking trau(|uilly up to hoavon, lint having no trado-niark, wo always ask who tlioso partioH are. Wo do this hecauso wo Inuubly wish to loarn. TFo tlieti luunu'ratis tlio thousands aiul tliousaiuls of cojii-^s of thoso sovoral pioturos whioh ho has soon, and adds with aoenstomcd simiilioity that lio foils oncouragod to holiovo when ho has soon "somi-; hoim:" of oaoh, and had a largor oxpoiionuo, ho will ovontnally " Login to tako an al.sovl.ing intorest in thorn " - tho vulgar hoor. That wo havo shown this to 1>o a roniarkablo hook, wi; think no ono will deny. That it is a pornicious hook to plaoo in tin- hands of tlio oontiding and uniformed, wo think wo Iiavo also shown. That tho hook is a ilolihorato and wicked creation of a diseased mind, is apparent upon every page. Hav- ing placed our judgment thus upon record, let us close with what charity we can, hy remarking that even in this volume there is sonu; good to ho found : for whenever the author talks of his own country and lots Europe alone, ho never fails to nuvke himself interesting ; and not only interesting, hut instnic- tive. No one can read without henelit his occasional chai)ters and jiiira- graphs, ahout life in tho gold and silver mines of Calif(jrnia and Nevada ; ahout the Indians of the phiins and deserts of tho West, and their canai- halism ; abf I word, uc 11",' on u nitk, II, and witlhMit know (hat In.- otlii'vintinks ii) al\va)H ask 1 learn. n]ii"H of tlll'fT mil finiplicity oHK " of I'aili, f an al)Morl)inii Ilk no Olio will tlie runtidiii:;- is a deliltorato y page. Ifav- lat diarity wu to l)ij found : opo alone, liu ,', but instnic- ;er3 and jiara- and Nevada : their eani.i- l)y the aid of 1 farms from )out a sort of iieys and dis- 1)tit are well '■ of the same ig, and so it le friend lias veen my remarkable, xgraph. The yself. — JIai;k 9!* H..W tmiehinj; in thJH tribute of the late Hon. T. H. llonton to his ...other Hindiu-uee: " My moth.,- asked nie never to use toba"v I h e .^, mb e, and I h:iv„ never gamded I cannot tell who is losing i„ „,i,„', that are lK.in«i.lay,.d. SI,., admonishe.l nu , too, ,a.„unsf lion,; Irink , .•t-.'l whatever eapaeity for induraiuv I hnve at pn's^irt nl t n- e, so ,|' ..e.ss may have atta.ne.1 thr-m,]. I,f... i h.ve ittr.bu ted to i mA . , i^^ «.th her p.o.H and cor.vet wish,... Wl.on 1 was nevei, ye:u:s of a '^^h I o ...o not to drink and then I imule a r-solntion of tot,.Ub tine lee and ' I have adhered to ,t thn.m,di all time, I owe to my mother." I never naw anything so curious. It is almost an exact -..itome of mv own moral career- after .simply snb.stituting a gran.lniother for a mother 1 ow wel I remember my gra.idmotlicr'.s a.sking me not to u.se tobae.o, >d' ..I.l Hon : She said : " VouVe at it again, are yon, y,.n wlidp ! N-.... a J, ever let me eateli you chewing tolvicco before bivakfa.st .again, or I hu- I'll blueksnake you within an inch of yonr life :" I have never touched "it at tliat Iionr of the morning from that time to the i.rcHent day She asked me not to g.mblc. S.'ie whispered and .s.aid : " Put up tho.so wieked cards this minute :-tw-..p,ur and a Jack, you uum.sknll, and the other fellow .s got a flush :" I'-verhave gambled f^.-ni that day to this- never oiice-without a cold-deck m my pocket. I cannot even tell who isgoing to lose in ..u.us that are being played, unless I dealt myself. When I was two years of age she asked me not to drink, and then 1 u.a.le a resolution of total abstinence. That I have adhercl to it and enjoy- 0. ebemhccnteteetsofit through all time, f owe to my grandmother ' let thes tears attest my gratitude. I h.u-e n^ver drank a drop from that day to this, of any kind of water. DUtiBERIU' IX WASHINGTOX. Some of the .lecisions of the Post Otlioo Deparcmont are eminently luminous. It has m tnnes gone by been enacted that "author's manuscript" should go through the mails for a tritiing postage-newspaper postage,' i„ f.vct, A calm and di.spa:ionate mind would gather from this, fliat the ob- ject liad in view was to facilitate and foster newspaper correspondence, ma- gazine wntnig and literature generally, by discontinuing a tax in the way of postage .vduch had become very burdensome to gentlemen of the ..nil \V.v by what eflort o good old well-meaning, grandmotherly dullness does the rJall v suppose thepostaauthoritieshaverenderedtliatwisean.lkindlydecreeutterly do sltl" ' '"'^^;r'""f '"""^' ' ^^'^^-i'^i-'^that "author's manuscri>?^ does «ot mean anythmg but " m.n„.cnpt I .■/..: t, h- u.vk inf. a n >„m. BOOK -all pamplilets, magazines, and new.spapers ruled out ' TliuH we arc expected to believe that the original regulation was .^ufc up not more than that number of MS. books are sent by n.ail to piblishe r^ each year. Such property is too precious t. trtnt to any conveyan e but t Ic author's own carpet-sack, as a generalthin-. 100 MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. But granting tliat one thousand MS. books went to the publishers in a. year, and tl)us saved to one thousand author's a dollar apiece in postage'in twelve months, would not a law whose whole aim was to accomplish such a triHe as that, be simply an irreverent pleasantry, and not proper company to thrust among grave and weiglity statutes in the law-books ' The matter which suggested these remarks can be stated in a sentence. (Jnce or twice I have sent magazine MSS. from certain cities, on newspajier rates, as " author's MS." But in Buffiilo the postmaster reipiires full letter postage. Ife claims no authority for this save ihcUions of thu Post Office Department. He sho„ed me the law itself, but even the higliest order of intellcctiuil obscurity, backed by the largest cultivation (outside of a Post Office Department;, could not find in it authority for the " decisions" afore- mentioned. And 1 ought to know, l)ecause I tried it n:yself. [I say that, not to be trivially facetious when talking in earnest, but merely to take the word out of the mouths of certain cheap witlings, who always stand ready in any company to interrupt any one whose remarks ofter a chance f(jr the ex- hibiticjn of their poor wit and worse manners.] 1 will not say one word about this curious decision, or utter one sarcasm or oi.e discourteous speech about it, or the well-intending but misguided of- licer who rendered it ; but if he were in California, he would fare far differ- ently—very far differently— for- there tlie wicked are not restrained by the gentle charities that prevail in Buffalo, and so they would deride hini, and point the finger of scorn at him, and address him as " Old Smarty from Mud Springs," Indeed they would. MY WATCH— AN INSTPJTCTIVE LITTLE TALE. My beautiful new watch had run eighteen luonths without losing or gaining, and without breaking any part of its machinery or stopping. I had come to believe it infallible in its judgments abcmt the time of day, and to consider its constitution and its anatomy imperishable. But at last, one night I let it run down. I grieved about it as if it were a recognized mes- senger aiid ff the town he almanac. It was away into November enjoying the snow, Aviiile the October leaves were still turning. It luirried up house-rent, bills payable, and such things, in sucli a ruinous way that I could not abide it. I took it to the Avatchniaker to be regulated. He asked me if I over liad it repaired. I said no, it liad never needed any repairing. He looked a look of vicious liappiness and eageny pried the watch open, tlien put a small dice-box into liis eye, and peered into its machinery. He said it wanted cleaning and oiling, besides regulating— come iji a week. After being cleaned and oiled and regiilated, my watch slowed down to that degree that it ticked like a tolling bell. ' I began to be left by trains, I failed all appointments, I got to missing ; my dinner my watcli strnng out three days' grace to four and let me go to protest ; I gradually drifted back into yesterday, then day before, then into last week, uul by and by tlie comprehension came upon me tliat all solitary and alone I was lingering along in week before last, and tlie world was out of sight. I seem to detect In my^ self a sort of sneaking fellow-feeling for tlie mummy ' ':lie museum, and a desire to swap news with him. I went to a watchmaker again. He'took the watch all to pieces wliile I waited, and then said the barrel was "swelled." He said he could reduce it in three days. After this, the watch avcraqcd well but nothing more. For half a day it would go like tlie verj- mischief, ami keep up such a barking and wheezing and whooping and sneezing and snort- ing, that I could not hear myself think for the disturbance ; and as long as It lield out, tliere was not a watch in the land that stood any chance against it. But the rest of the day it would keep on slowing down and foolinglilong until all the clocks it had left behind caught np again. So at last, at the end of twenty-four hours, it would trot up to the judges' stand all right and just on time. It would show a fair and sipiare average, and no man could say it had done more or less than its duty. But a correct average is only a mild virtue in a watch., and I took this instrument to another watchmaker. He said the kinkbolt was broken. I said I was glad it was nothing more fierious. To tell the plain truth, I had no idea whafthe kingbolt was! but I learn the news. The cannibal paper adds that the colt has already trotted his mile, of his own accord, in 2:17 1-2. He was probably going to dinner at the time. The idea of naming anything that is fast after mC— except an anchor or something of that kind— is a perfect inspiration of humor. If this poor colt could see me trot around the course once he would laugh some of his teeth out— he would indeed, if he had time to wait till I finished the trip. I have seen slower people than I am— and more deliberate people than 1 am— and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than lam. lUit they were dead. Axi) by that Sandwich r.sland paper (" Ci.mmcrcial Advertiser") I also learned that H. M. Whitney, its iible editor and proprietor for sixteen years, was just retiring from business, having sold out to younger men. J take this opportunity of thanking the disappearing veteran for courtesies done and information afforded me in bygone days. Mr. Whitney is one of the fairest-mi;ided and best-hearted cannibals I ever knew, if I do say it myself. There is not a stain upon his name, and never has been. And ha is the best judge of a human being T ever saw go through a market. Many a time 1 have seen natives try to palm off part of an old person on him for the fragment of a youth, but I never saw it succeed. Ah, no, there was no de- ceiving H. M. Whitney. He could tell the very family a roast came from if he had ever tried the family before. I remember his arresting my hand once and saying : "Let that alone— it's from one of those Hulahuras— a very low family— and t not put the enipliasis strong on tlie second syllable, because It would not be nice for little boys and girls to disturb tlie continent 1 Hough people who want divorces arc not always the continent. Read : TTTANTED-Divorces legally r.btaincd without publicity, and at small loTr t'h"''- ^^^i'':'"^''' '}''''' '-^ "''t'"»«'^- Address P. O. Box 1,03/. 1 his IS the P. O. Box advertise." \yat lifting of a serene, "ublinking gaze aloft to the awful sublimity of 8t. James', froin the remot; nsigj^uicance of the U.S. embassage to Hong-Wo, with i;s candli; " u t m t; :f ' T 'f '""" ''"" *""^^ '^ '^y '^' -^^-«*--' -d pea- nuts on Sunday for grandeur, is so precisely like uu, Lovel ' tislf .w ^C'T-i^-'t'y tl-y are not the same-far from it. Yet t possible tha a kind word from me may attract attention and sympathy o n,y poor Lovel and thus help a deserving man to fortune. So iJt mo "o best miHtTf ^' ^^^^'^^'^.V'"^'"""' ^''' ^^"'^ *'" ^"^'^'^^* '^"^ faithfullest and e t nuh ary service in Mormondom, that ever has been rendered there for n country. For about seven years or such a matter he has made both Jiric.- larn and the Lidians reasonably civil and polite. Well . However Isle L tah, as the R.cihc coast desired. I cannot think how I came to wander off Loverther "T -r?" ''' ""*'""^' '^''^'^^'''^ cIo with my General LoveL Therefore I will drop him and not digress again. 1 now resume. rTerritorv^ r "?"" '"''' f "'' "^'"' ^"'^^"^^ ^- ^°^«'' "^ ^"•^'""•^' Nevada (lerritory), ilew to arms and was created a Brigadier-General of the territo- wo ,M / 1 '' 7 '1"' ^"' ^'"'^ "" ^"' ^'''''' ^'^ ''''''' •'^" «'^«^ tl^-t I'e "ever Avould budge from his post till the enemy came. Colonel O'Connor flew to arms and put down the Indians and the Mormons, and kept them down for years and fought his gallant way np through bullets and blood to hi. bngadier-genera ship. But this is not a biography of General O'Connor. Hang General O'Connor ! It is General Lovel I desire to speak of. General Lovel-how imposing he looked in his uniform ! He was a very exceedingly microscopic operator in wild-cat silver-mining stocks, and so he could not wear it every day ; but then he was always ready when a fireman ^as to be buried or a relative hung. And he did look really beautiful, any tnr! 1 VT'"' 1 "'"^ *'^"'- ^^ '''' '' «"« «^S^^* ''^^^ '-^W «ie militia turned ont at once. The territorial population was some 22,000 then, and the Territorial militia, numbered 139pei-sons, includinc. regimental officers three major and eleven brigadier-generals. General Lovel was the eleventh I cannot now call to mind distinctly the several engagements General Lovel was m, but I remember the following on account of their pecnliar prominence : '• MAKK TWAIN's MK.MOHANDA. i(i; 'Iiich never saw I. distinction far 3 my general as st us — namely, after all. Fur n — a man wlu) he would cling r Lovel. ing of a serene, om the remote candle-box for ence, and j^ea- Gr., while mine from it. Yef and sympathy So let mc go lithfullost and ired there for ide both lirig- owever, I see Governor of to wander off h my General ow resume, jinia, Nevada if the territo- ;hat he never )nuor flew to em down for blood to ]li;5 al O'Connor, cof. te was a very s, and so lie en a fireman Rautiful, any 1 the militia )0 then, and ntal officers, ;he eleventh, nts General leir peculiar When Thompson Billings the desperado w.ns captuied, Level's brigade guarded the front door of tlie jail that niglit. Tt was well f..r IJiUinus "tliat he left by the back door; for it was always tli.mght that if he had come out front way he would have been shot. At tlis great Sanitary P.all in Car.son City, (ieneral Lovel wns present in his uiiifdini. When the Legislature met in lS(i;5, (K'neral Lovel and brigade were promptly on duty, either to d.. liunnr tn tlum ..r protect the public, I have forgotten Avhich. He was present in his miifnrm with his mou, tn guard the exit of the Legislatuie of ]8(;2, and let Ihe members retire in ]ieaee with the surplus steel pens and stationery. This »vas the Legishiture that confirmed his i\y- pointment as Brigadier-General. It also eh>cted as enrolling clerk of its House of Representatives a n)ilitia chieftain by flu. name of Captain G. Murphy, Avho could not write. This was a misiuiderstanding, however, rather than a blunder, f(jr the Legislature of 18(;2 did not know it was neces- sary he sliovild know how to write. When the Governor delivered his farewell address, General Lovel and brigade were there, and never gave way an inch till it was done. General Lovel was in several other engagoments, but I cannot c ill them to mind now. By-.and-by the i)eople began to feel that General Lovel's military services ought to be rewarded. So some one siiggested that he run as an indepen- dent candidate for V. S. Senator (for Nevada was become a new fledged State by this tin.e). Modest as this old soldier was, backward as he was, naturally diffident as he was, he said he would do it, and he did. It was commonly reported and steadfastly believed by everyl)ody that he spent the bulk of his fortune, which was fifteen or twenty thousand dollars, in " put- ting up" a legislative delegation from Virginia City which should fight under his Senatoiial banner. Ani> vkt that max was xot i'.lkctkd. I not only state, but T swear to it. Why, unless niv memory has gone entirely crazy, that polluted Legislature never even mentioned his name .' What was an old public servant to do after such treatment '. Shake the dust from his sandals and leave the State to|its self-invited decay and ruin. That was the course to pursue. He knew a land where worth is always re- cognized, a city where the nation\s faithful vassal cannot know the cold hand of neglect— Washingtox. He went there in And/ew Jc.hnson's time. He probably got Captain John Nye to use his " influence "' for him— ha ! ha \ What do we behold a grateful nation instantly do .' We see it send Gen- eral O'Connor— no, I mean Geneiol Lovel -to represent us as resident min- ister at oriental Hong- Wo .' No, no, no— I have got it all wrong again. It is not my Dun -lap, but somebody's Dew-lap that was sent. But might it not — no, it cannot be and is not my Lovel whose "friends'" are pointing him towards august St. James's. The first syllable of the name is so different. But my Lovel would do vei^ well indeed for that place.. lOS T am MARK TWAIN's MKMORAXDA. sr J t;:;.::ir:::'zf 7*r "- ^- ^ i'-..» „„„„g,, t„ ,„„„ i„ „,,„„ it™ ; ,j ;™ "»' <":<"> -«»"' that ho »«tl,„llriti,h,vl,„i, „."l-b"d»„,l , ri""«""" »"='■» lorJly couvt Co„rt „f 8,. jj,„™™ ''^: 7° "•■™'~;"'"-« -.noon,::i,loml " Mr." at th» n..thi„,. lo,.. Mv Go„r \ l;7°" "•'«■" title lo hi, ,„.,„„-„ General, 1..^ ..e„. to the,,, t^rhZ B, T '""f ""° "''"'■""■'•'"■-Wo »l,iol, „„„I.l '■"'* "' «'° for-thi, con™,,,"..!:! ° *" """■""• ""■"'' " '-""" P"'"'lo-o'= ma„-r.X'''°Ll';%'''"r'" "'"■"'■'• "'"' """"' » '"'"•'y another ™l,in H^t P,. ■ 1 ^?- ,^ """' "°'- -*'■■' y" -y ''"art tao.o I would c '"•'''^V^^f '"°8to". Secretary of Legation, i ^ZiZ c^tJtto . '" o::; fr "t",'-. •""" " "•'"■ '""-^ -»> i "O" ">y name t th: lis En,'li.sl) But ',0 of clii)Ioinacy" ,k of — am confi- t certain that lio and rei)eat and Ii a lordly court earnnco and ad- tho Iiigliest and >r, or iin Indian Lovel, and say ety in that crit- d" Mr." at the nio— a Gt-neral, those old field- fe which would nod, profound, irgod with ex- ooian diplomat General would lim. Contem- ian f tanding in e instep at the ful Providence it other Lovel, 3rm "friends" a man whom 3ould see him * influencing' " ik settlements • Government itall}- another noifs I would liling life the ary and Min- t " John Nye, )e content to name to the )r the vacant MARK TWAIN's MEMOIIANDA. A IJOOK KEVIEW. 100 UV K. Ii. W, In his preface t<. this highly interesting volume* Professr Huxley says r Tolhuhistorigraplurthemost interesting period of research is that where Inst.ay proper h.ses itself in Iho vagm, Inist ..f n.vth 1 -Vc shad .w Ihe CMldh.u.. ot nations has always heen a favourite subject of in^^ti. Um the Ideal from he rea ; to regroup the disintegrated fragments and from he matermis thus gathered to construct a firm and trustwTaihy su e str c ture on wlu.h the- mnul mr.y rest in tran.piil confidence ; this hasTJr Wn and ever wl be one of the n.ost fascinating pursuits to whicl L cult re tn -,.; fl I'lulosoi Inc speculation, may we not with e.jual proprie tv unto the semper-existent nation of rinhim,, seek out the iriginfheii- radit.ons, trace the development of their customs, and interprrby t e d 2; ;S^J^r:iea;";" V' """^ t-"->^ted lore I Herein L a .^tiit^ sir of theX^limt^r ^^*^'""^'^* ""^^-'"^ ^' "^y i-'^>^^-' ^^ This extract shows sufliciently the spirit in which the author of " Ves- tiges of the Creation " has undertaken a work which, to many, might seem scarcely worthy the time and labor evidently bestowed upon it, and Imdi posi ion in the scientific world its autnor enjoys.f Following out the idea" f sniuiarity between this childhood of nations and ;the nationality of child- hood, Professor Huxley says, p. 7(3: Disraeli in his "Amenities of Literature," has shown conclusively that the religion of Druidism was one only possible to a people not yet emerS froin a state of n.enta childhood. TJie British Druids constiuld a acre and secret society religious, political, literary, and militarj-. Lithe rude mechanism of society in a state of pupilage, the first elements of government however puenle, were the levers to lift and sustain the barbarie°mind L ! vested with all privileges and immunities, amid that transcient omnipotence which man, in his hrst feeble condition, can confer, the wild Zdrei' of society crouched together before those illusions which superstitio lo easi v forges. ^V hatever was taught was forbidden to be written and not oi ly «Sr doctrines and their sciences were veiled in sacred obscurity, but he laws which they made and the traditions of their [mytholocry were oral Thl Druids were the common fathers of the British youth^for thev^Se their more'cxact?"' ""' '"' "" ""^* ''''''' l'^^--^-- Could'E^in^llel b" *"Au Iii.,uiry into the Oiigin, Develui.ineut and Transmission of the Games of Cliiiaiioo,!, inall Ages nii,l of every Nation, with Xotes, Critical, Analytical and Ihstoiiral. ' I5y Thonms H,„ry Huxley, Lb.I)., F. R..^. Author's eJitioi.. Xew York : Slielton & liros. 1 vol. I'imo., pp. 498. t It is to be regretted that unfortunate domestic relations ; social status of a great and learned writer; but this affords disputing the logical results of tlic inductive svsteni. d ever afl'ect the no just ground for no MArjK TWAIN's MKMORAXnA. Dosconding from tl.o genorul to ti.e particular consideration of Inn H..b- ..thors wluch Lave l.een n Lt e T^^''\'^^^-''^^l leaping etc., and IC t( stu .road the Hig-voda t be com-i c(d V *7'"'''^^";'.' '''^'^.V- '* is sufficient tu.ly of phyHit^il i.atnro-c'>n t,2;i I, "f 'f-^l'^'n-thivt is to Hav, the P-'istoral peoples wl r iK.n cc* ed t o ^'.""".''^V'" "^tIlo wor.ship of those the northerly pIuii^s,,fHidoo^^^^^^^^^ 1/ ^..""J;^"''' '""l I'^t^^i' ouiigrated to 11.C boyish i,nit,,t „„ . f "h™.; " J Tt '7 r " T'"'""' '" ""^" '" .an,o„ .«..„-,„ei<, i,„.,e, t,:c:i:'ri:;':^'r:,,':* '" "*""" MEMORAM.i.J Mippoit of it8 clauus to probability.— EoiTOR (iLost „t wlucl, iM „' 1 °I !, V'"''-f' "' H"»l"y S"e. n„„,ero,„ instances wo,,l. in „ set ' to .I„f Z" 'V*"';'"»'"») "' «'"«■>' ^entity between 'V given uiis name to tins "anie tlmf I'o +1,0+ ai i , , "^ °'""^ '^'"" is> thfit the sound and the idea • The Hebrews, it will be n-menibered ,!« »«- .,.,.- ITT" nations until the .Abrahnnue era. h, ds .et th V ''' """'' ^-^'-'-'hI 0. tained by Sanscrit writers -.s w.ll , l,^ ^ , ''"-' '^"«'"°«""y ^^ fi'Hv sus- flourishe giving it entire, in the Professoi-'s own words : Representing the two known .jualities Cain and Abel by the lettt rs C and A, we i.niceed as follows :-Let x- the language used by Cain, and, x, the language used by Abel. Als.», let y= the language nnt used bvCain and y tlie language no/ used by Abel. Then— am, .imij, '-■'^+y, "I" all the languages used by Cain, and ^ = -''+y, "i" all the language used by Abel, lie tune IS assumed to be that at which the game was at its hei Ap,\,=al. al. But, Ax = — 1' p = i when X words are considered, aiul P, =1 when x, words are considered. Therefore, adding the two ec.uations again, we have ' Cx+ax, = cl-|-al. Thus proving that Cain used x words and Abel used x words. Q. E. D. Enough has been given, we tliink, to arouse the interest of our readers n this, all things considered, remarkable book. It is enough to say in con- chi;non that the patient research and philosophical deductions of the student and the thinker have here unearthed for the instruction and amusement of the present age, a wealth of (piaint and curious information which has lonc' lain buried in oblivion, or existed only among the ana of that pigmy nation that exists among us and around us, but which, until Professor Huxley became its historian and interpreter, was not of us. fl wish to state that this review came to nic from some Philidelnhia person entirely unknown to me ; but as I could make neither head nor tail ot the tiling, 1 thought it must be good, and therefore have i)ubli8hed it I have heard of Professor Huxley before, and knew that he was the author of Watt s Jiymns, but did not know before that he wrote " Vesti"OR of Creation " Hf.wever, let it pass— 1 suppose he did, since it is so stated.^ I have not vet seen his new work about cl.ildren, and moreover, I do not want to, for all this reviewer thinks so much of it. xAIr. Huxley is too handy with his slate- pencil to suit me. - Editor Meaioraxda.] 112 Ma.VW TWAfX'H MKMOHANDA, THE TONE-r.VIPARTINa COMMin'EE. ^\ml§iiu[d rtml iK,u.lor.,u8ly rospoctahle, cnlv ..1,0 tliii.i/ will I., ablo to mafar m.. tr,„y ,,,,,, „„, th.t will be to V. ,.,Jt n Tt ^irj , ^ Tone-„np.H„.y l. ,.,00 ..f the city ,.f New York, uul havo notl in" t . butsiton tho plHtfonu, Bok.ua and in>,o.in,s ulong .ith Peter G.. Horace Jroeley. etc., etc., and slnnl n.on.entary fanfu at «ccond In j obscMu-c lectures, draw pnblic attention to lectnrcs which wonld ^wi " clack elo,inontly to Honndiny eu,,tine.s., and subdue audience, in o t ul learmg of al sorts of unpopular and <.utla„dish donnas an.l i.sn. . ivl s what I des.re for the cheer an.l yrati.ication of n.y gray hvi s I e ,' l.ut Bit up there with those fine relics of the Old Red s' iTtt P .ri 1 give Tone to an intellectual eutcrtainn.ent twice a ^Lk d Cs : ;::^ and n.y happ„,.ss will be eon.plete. Those n.on have been n.^o n f .r 1 ong, long tnue An.l no UHMn..ries of n.y life are so pleasant as Tnyx^n.! cence, o then- long and honorable career in the T.>ne-i„.p.rtin," 1 - r en recollect the first tin.o I ever saw then, on the platfor ns jus^a. w 'as ren.en.ber he events ..f yesterday. Horace Greele^ sat on he ri-d " pTe Cv .-r on the left, and Thonus Jefferson, Uod Jacket, lienjan.in Fnuk n anJ -hn Hancck sat between then.. This was on the .>>1 fiV ' iro. on the occasi..n of the state funeral of Oe:;;^!; g Ln 1 1: Yo,^. It was a great day, that -a great day, an.l ,. very, ver^sad one ren,end,er that Broadway wa. one n.ass of blaek crape L:c::tZa.l nearly up to where the City Hall now stands. The next tin.e I saw te' gentlemen othcmte ^vas at a ball given for the purpose of procurin.n.o "^ and medicu.es for the sick and wounde.l soldiers and sail.>rs. "h',. ^ie G eeley occnp.ed cu.e side of the platforn. on which the n.usicia... ^vere ex ulted, and Peter Oooper the other. There were other ^^.ne-in,parters ate.u^ a.U upon the two chiefs but I have forgotten their nan.es . I.: IW^ Greeley, gray-hairod a,.d bean.ing, was in sailor costn...e-whito duck pants blue shu-t, ope., at the breast, largo ..ekerchief, loose as an ..x-bow, a..! d .nth a jau..ty sa.lor knot, broad tur..over collar with star in H.e co .^ 1^ black l.ttletarpa,.!.,. hatroosti..gdai..tlyfar backonhea.l. and Hyin^two^alhut l<>ngr.bbo,.s SI ppers on au.ple feet, round spectacles on bt„i:„ L^" l^f a..d p.tchfork .n hat.d, c,n..plete.l Mr. Greely, and n.a.le hi.n, in^ b y si. athe oftl.e^eptu..ohe .as so h.ge..iously representi,.g. I shall °, ever torget h.,.,. Mr. C ^. was dressed as a ge..eral .,f n.iliUa, a... a dis nud^y ..d oppress.vcIy -..ke. I neglected to re.nark, iu the prop:;;:^, th.ihe solders and ^.,h. v- hos. n;d the ball was given had ..st bee. sent .n from Boston-thi?v:i dr -.g the war of 1812. Atthegrandnatio;;,.) rv,, nti,nof LafiA ;,te in 1824 H„v., t< 1 sat o.. the right and Pete. Coop.r on the left, ^^hl oZ^ ■ ;^;:::^:j «xat day are s,leep.ng the sleep of the just, now. I was in the aud ne he" Horace Greeley Peter Cooper, and other chief citizens impacted to."e to he great n.eet.ngs .n favor of French liberty, in 1848. The.. I never s w the .! MAHK TWAIN's MKMORANDA. 11.) lu thing will \k- 11 tho VonoriibK. notliiiiir to do 1 Hotor Coojior, sccoiul Imiul on voulil othorwiso ;o.s into respect- ml isiiM. Tiiat hairs. Lot mo ano I'oiiiHl and bosf) roportod, my onvy for a as my rominis- ;ing 8urvicu. I list as woli as J ho ri<,di\ Potor iiain Franklin, (I of Ducumber ington in New sry sad one. I Castlo Garden no I saw tlieso H'uring iiioiiL-y ih>rrt. H-.race cians were ex- il)arter.s atend- nuw. Horace to duck pants, bow, and tied ^corner, .sliin- ng two gallant lignant no'^i^ in my boyisli I gi'oat-gra-nd- shall never and was dis- proper place, id just been irace (Jreeley * inipartors of iidience.when d tone to the •er saw them m,y moro nntil hero lately ; but now that I am living t„I«rftbly near t'.o citv I run .lown every time I see it announced that "Horace Grecly, Peter Cooper and several other distinguished citizens will occupy scats on tho platform •'' and next morning, when I read in tho tirst paragraph of the ph..nographie report that Horace Greely, Peter Cooper, and several other .listiu'Tniihed citizens occupied seats nn tho platform," I sny to myself, "Thank God I u-|vs present." Thus I huvo been enabled to see these substantial old friemls of mine sit on tl,.: platfor. .nd give tone to lectures on anatomy, an.l lectures on agriculture, and lectures on stirpiculture, and lectures on astronomy, on chemistry, on misce^.Mation, on " Is Man descended from tho Kan-arooV', on veterin.u-. matters, on all kinds of religion, and several kinds of politic ■ and have seen them give to„o and grandeur to the Fonr-lec I (Jj,! tin- Siamese Twins, tho (ireat Egyptian Sw<,rd Swallower, and tluH.Id (.ri-Mnal Jacobs. W henever somebody is to lecture on asubject not of general interest [ know that my venerated HemMins of the Old Ue.l Sandstone Period will be .Ml the platform ; whenever a lecturer is to appear whom nobody has heard of before, nor will be likely to seek to see, 1 know that the real l.enevoh.„ce .. my old fnends will be taken advantage . f, and that they will ),o on the p atform (and in the bill.; as an advertisement ; and wheneVer any new and obnoxious deviltry in philosophy, morals, or politirs is to be spn.ng upon he people, I km.w perfectly well that these intrepid old heroes wilf be on that platform too, in the interest of full and free discussion, and to crush ilown all narrower and less generous souls with the solid dead wei-Jit „f their awful respectability. And let us all remember that while tliesc"inyek.rate and imperishable presi.lers (if yon please) appear on the platf..rin every ni^ht m the year, as regularly as the volunteered piano from fSteinway's or Chick- orings, and have bolstered i,p and given tf daily botlier, luth. 1 said to :. I couhl read was foggy witli id spent a good unv'fr»rit. My ebody that liad ted, hut not an i3top2)ed Inlying ounding. Thk • all the glaring thret^ Itvndnd •eceding twelve '.mn in the list, ueinber wliich, . I3ut tlic fact long r(jad, and .loublo number and Rochester en altogether ; . nv' ,n in six rie kills from iH ; and in the ' [y Hesh crept, c danger isn't J will never th of the Erie least eleven or 'oads rnnning roads. There ous passenger ) of 2,500 pas- >rrect. There MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 115 are 846 railway lines in our country, and 846 times 2,500 are 2,115,000 So the railways of America move mora than two millions of people every day • SIX hundred and fifty millions of people a year, without counting the Sun- days They do that, too-there is no question about it ; though where they get the raw material is clear beyond the jurisdiction of my arithmetic • for I have hunted the census throuph and through, audi find that there are not that many people in the United Slates, by a matter of six hundred and ten millions at the very least. They must use some of the same people over again, likely. San Francisco is one-eighth as populous as New York ; there are 6a deaths a week in the former and 500 a week in the latter— if they have lack That is 3,120 deaths a year in San Francisco, and eight times as manv in New York-say aboul 25,000 or 20,000. The health of the two places is" the same. So we shall let it stand as a fair presumption that this will hold good all over the country, and that conse(iuently twenty-five thousand out of every million of people we have must die every vear. That amounts to one-fortieth of our total pr.pulation. One million of us, then, die annually. Out of this million ten or twelve thousand are stabbed, shot, drowned, hanged, poisoned, or meet a similarly violent death in some other popular way, such as perishing by kerosene lamp or hoop-skirt confiagi-ations, "ettin.r buried in coal mines, falling off housetops, breaking through clp.u-ch or lecture-room floors, taking patent medicines, or committing suicide in other forms. The Erie railroad kills from 23 to .iO ; the other 845 railroads kill one-third of a man each ; and the rest of that miilion, amounting in the aggregate to the ap.palling figure of nine hundred and eightv-sA-cn thousand corpses, die naturally in their beds ! You will excuse me from taking any more chances in those beds. The railroads are good enough for me. And my advice to all people is. Don't stay at home any mure than you can help ; but when ycni have (jut to stay at home for a while, buy a packa^ru of these hisurance tickets and sit up nights. You cannot ho too'cautions.° [One can see now why I answered that ticket .-igent in the manner recorded at the top of this sketch.] The moral of this composition is, that thoughtless people grumble more than is fair about railroad management in the United States. When we consider that every day and night of the year full fourteen thousand railway trams of various kinds, freighted with life and armed with death, go thun- dering over the land, the marvel is, not that thev kill three hundred human beings m a twelvemonth, but that they do not kill three hundred times three hundred I ONE OF MANKIND'S BOUES. I SUPPOSE that if there is one thing in the world more hateful than another to all of us, it is to have to write a letter. A private letter especially. And business letters, to my thinking, are very little pleasanter. Nearly all IIG MARK TWAIN's JIEMORANDA. te enjoyment :s taken out of every letter 1 get by the reflection that it must be answere... An.I I do so dread the affliction of writing those answers Zt often my hrst and gladdest impulse is to burn my n.ail "before It il ol ed For ten years I never felt that sort of dread at all, because I was mo W about constant^, fron. city to city, fron. State to slate, and fro, count y to country, and so I could leave all letters unanswered if I chose Tl tl e wnters of them would naturally suppose that I had changed n.^'prtlffi and nu.s.d reccu.ng n,y correspondence. But I anx " Zrn.ro J now I cannot use that form of deception any nxore. I an. anchored, and lette;8 of all knuls come straight to me with deadly precision. They are letter, of all sorts and descriptions, and thov treat of everv tlnng I generally read them at breakfast, and riglit often they kill a day's work uy dn-ertang n.y thoughts and fancies into so.ne new channel, tlL bieak.ng up and making confusion of the programme of scribbli„,. I ] ad ar- ranged for n.y working hours. After breakfast I clear for actio^, and for .n hour try hard to write ; but there is no getting back int<. the old train of thought after such an mterrupticm, and so at last I give it up and out off further eflort till next day. One would suppose that 1 would n:: ^sw^ those letters and get them out of the way ; and I suppose one of those model young men we read abor.t, who enter New York barefoot and live to be- come insolent millionaires, would be sure to do that ; but 1 d.m't I never shall be a millionaire, and so I disdai.i to copy the ways of those men I did not star right I m, -a. . fatal mistake to begin with, and entered New \ork with boots on and above forty cents in my pocket. ^Hth such an un- propitiousl,egmmng, any efforts of mine to acquire great wealth would be frowned upon as illegit.m.te, and I should be ruthlessly put down as an im- postor. And so, as I saul L>efore, I decline to follow the lead of those chry- .sahs Crcesuses and answer my c<,rrespondents with commercial promptness I stop work for the day, and leave the new letters stacked up alon' with those that came the day before, and the day before that, and tlie day before hat, and so on And by-and-by the pile grows so largo that it begins to dis-' ress me, and then I attack it and give full five and sometimes six hours to the assault. And how many of the letters do I answer in that time 2 Never more than nine ; usually only five or six. The correspondence clerk in a great mercantile house would answer a hundred in that many hours. But a man who has spent years in writing for the press cannot reasonably be expected o have such facihty with a pen. From old habit he gets to thinkin! and llunking, patiently puzzling for minutes together over the proper turnin.. of a sentence in an answer to some unimportant private letter, and so the pre- cious time slij)s away. '■ It comes natural to me in these latter years to do all manner of compo- sition laboriously and ploddingly, private letters included. Consequentlv I do fervently hale letter-writinu'. and so ,\n all the nowsniner . 'i ^ •^' men that I am .acquainted with.^' "onspaper and magazine The above' remarks are by way of explanation and apology to parties who have written me about various matters, and whose letters I l^^ve necdected to ion that it must >e answers, that ■e it is opened. I was moving rom country to ht)se, and the my post-office L-red" now. I and letters of reat of every- ey kill a day's channel, thus iHiig I had ar- ;tion, and for le old train of • and put off Jiow answer' f those model nd live to be- lu't. I never men. I did antered New I sucli an un- til would he iwn as an iui- f those chry- proinptness. ' along with 10 day before K'gins to dis- six hours to ■iiuo ? Never rk in a great But a man be expected linking and r turning of I so the lire- iiv of compo- isequently, I iul magazine parties who neglected to MARK TWAIN'.S MEMOKAN'DA. II7 answer. I tried in good faith to answer them-trled every now and tlicn and always succeeded in clearing oir several, but always as surely left the majority of those received each week to lie over till the next. The result was always the same, to wit : tlie unanswered letters woul.l shortly l.e"in to have a repr.;achful look about them, next an upbraiding look, and by-and-by an aggressive and insolent aspect ; and when it came to thiit, 1 always opened the stove door and made an example of them. Tlie return of ch..erfulness and tlie flight of every feeling of distress on account of neglected duty was Jinmediato and thorougli. I did not answer the letter of the Wisconsin gentleman, who inrpiired jVliether imported brads were better than domestic ones, because I did not know what brads were, and did not clioose to let on to a stranger. I tliou-dit It would have hooked much better in him, anyhow, to ask somebody who he knew was in the habit of eating brads, or wearing them, whichever is tlie proper -.-y of utilizing them. _ I did manage to answer the little Kentucky boy who wished to send me hi. wildcat. I thanked him very kindly and cordially for his donation, and said I was veiy fond of cats of all descriptions, and told him to r." It surely ible a man to md pitiable a lanity can do I, and judged through him. hrough him. le good work MARK TWAIN's MEMOKANDA. 119 that is done ; to learn how to be good, and do good, men must come to us ; actors and such are obstacles to moral progress."* Fray look at the thing reasonably fur a moment, laying aside all biases of educiion and custom. If a common public impression is fair evidence of a tiling, then tliis minister's legitimate, recognized, and acceptable busi.iess is to' fe// people calmly, coldly, and in stiff, written sentences, from the pulpit, to g.j and do riglit, be just, be merciful, be charitable. And liis congregation fia-get it all between church and home. But for fifty years it was George Holland's busi- ness, on the stage!, to make his audience go and do right, and be just, merci- ful and cliarita])le— because by his living, l)reathing, feeling pictures, lu' shoAved theuj what it wan to do these things, and how to do them, and how instant and ample was the reward .' Is it not a singular teacher of men, this reverend gentleman who is so poorly informed himself as to put the whole stage under ban, and say, "I do not think it teajlics moral le,iSi.n.'i .'" Where was ever a sermon preached that could make liliu! ingratitude .so hateful to men as the sinful play of " King Lear/" Or when; uas there over a sermon that could so convince men of the wrong and the cruelty of harboring a pampered and unanalyzed jealousy as the sinful play of "Otiiel- lo V And where are there ten preachers who can stand in the pulpit teach- ing heroism, unselfish devotion, and lofty patriotism, and hold their own against any one of five hundred William Tells that can be raised up upon five hundred stages in the land at a day's notice I It is almost fair and just h> aver (though it is profanity) that nine-tenths ' *" '■"'' *''" ■"''"" °' ""^ "*<"" °f "> fa" »l-« and a ng good; bores them with correct compositions on charity o l" :m uil ofornis them, stupefies tliem with agrumentative mercy viii a aw ^> the grammar, or an emotion which the nunister cou'd Lt in le r IT l-Iaoe If he turned liis back and took his linger off the rnnusc i A f jusl as lc.;u„„.,t„ au ii,stn,me„t „t Ciod as itsdt „l.n .,„, ' vf ™* .».,„,e„t or a 3i„,,„ a.i,.,„ <,f ,i„>t, it'is fair and j,.t ihlrstebod; tl ainiijle-lienrted broader charities liable before the s from tlie pulpit rd disaoniinatiiig ire not talking of and soul of what bkges of people t it can in that week— 28 or 30 and argue, and ipplicate, at tlie lid all day Ion'' ne-tenths of the then some com" id useless ; you elves elsewhere, and sinners to itay in a carcass i)Ugh the pores / } as a diasemi- •getting that if because it had full share and the gospel of liy agencies in er claim a re- dues its excel- !i most of the t in its honest truisms about ; bores tJiem, ■/ithout a flaw t in the right ript. And in eve that it is id respectable the pulpit its ivhen a pulpit tlie worth of it a long life Iteration of a lat somebody MAHK TWAIN's MEMORAXDA. 121 Who beheves that actors were n.ado for high and gool purpose and that theyaccom,l.k tke oUj^ct .f tkcU- creation and accomplish li ell toto And having protestecl it is also fair and just-being driven to it as t wet -to wlnsper to the Sabine pattern of clergyman, under the brea h a s mde instructive truth, and say. "Ministers are n;t the only serv n'ts of itl upon earth nor His most efficient ones either, by a very, very bn stance '' But to cease teaching and go back to the beginning again, was it not pitiable that spectacle ? Honored and honorable old g!o 1 l h",] whose theatrical ministry had for hfty years softened hard heart si generosity m cold ones, kindled emotion in dead one., uplifted base ones broadened bigoted ones, and made many and n.any a sJricken ^ e t d i by this crawling, sliu.y, sanctimonious, self-righteous reptile ! THE PORTRAIT. withonTrr"''"'^°°Mr**''°''^'''^"'^^'''^^ l'"^''^'^"*-^ "' Thk Galaxv magazine without feeling a wild, tempestuous ambition to be an artist. I hav^ seen housands and thousands of pictures in my time-acres of then h xVan now y^r '''!;'•'' t''^*"^ Monsignore Capel in the November Galax v ; Sc ol ^'"r "%''° ""'''''' ''^■'" '''''' ^ ^"^^ *^^-e was Bismarck'.^ in the hVv.1 1 . '''^'^'^'*"''' "^ *'^« September number; I would nut BuUo:wrernrf"f,""*' '"• "-^ '^'^ ="^>'*'-'^' ^^-^ -ndcanl August Galaxy , if I had been in my grave a thousand years when th-it Hppeared, I would havegot up and visited the artist .0 on stXi"'';hol ''"' '"'""*', ""'"■ "'" ^"""^^ ''■'''•y "'^■^'*' -• '^^^' I -" thr .n \ ° V' '""" "' ^^'' '^"^y '^^^"^« "^ the morning. L ku„w traits all up together, and then pick them out one by one and call t leu^ mistake, never when I am calm. His '^^m^T^^T accompanies these remarks-the portrait of tratfX : V '^''^^ OFP«u.ssiA-is my fifth attempt in por- cks ; o 1 ""^ '"" "' """"• ^* ^''"' '•'^^^'^'-^ unbounded praise fron a 1 classes of the community, but that which gratifies me most i the freo en and ordial verdict that it resembles the Ga.axv portraits. Those we "v ait ambition. ^Vhatever lair. in Art to-day, I owe to tlie Galaxy portraits 100 1 M W MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 1 ask no credit for ,uysclf-I deserve nono. And I never take any, either Many as rancor ]uas come to n,y exhibition (for I have had niy po t m^of K:n, Wilhan. on exhibition at one dollar a ticket), and would Lavotl I ;:' tirz."" '"' '^^ ''"' '"* ' "^^'^^ ^'"^- ^ ^^^-^^ ^^^^^-^ -^- tho,Kd.';'flTll'""T'' ^"^^'«^"«'^y «i^^ ^'J"«kers, and some critics have thought that this portrait would be more complete if they were added But It was no possible. There was not room for side whifkers and epauleft stylo That thing on his hat is an eagle. The Prussian eagle-it is a na- tional emblo.n. When I say hat I mean helmet ; but it seems impossible , make a picture of a helmet that a body can have confidence in I have had the portraits framed for a long time, waiting till mv aunt ge s everytluiig ready for hanging them up in the parlor. But first onl tZ! .uid then another interferes, and so the thing is delayed. Once she sa 3 tLT Tl T: "V" ."' *'^' '''"'''''''' ^""'^ "f ^'8'^* they needed in the atSc The old simpleton ! it is as dark as a tomb up there. But she does not know anything about art, and so she lias no reverence for it. When I showed her my Map of the Fortifications of Paris," she said it was rubbish Well, from nursing those Galaxy portraits so long, I have come at last to have a perfect infatuation for art. I have a teacliernow, and lay nth masm con inual ly and tumultuously grows, as I learn to use with more and Invile ;'/'" ^""f' '™^'' '"^' '''''''•■ ' -^"^ «*-^^">^' -^- ^' W 1 W \ r? """'^ ^'"'*™* ^''"'*'^^"- [^''^ ""'"« ''^^ S»'itii when he in fact. The back of his liead is like his, and he wears his hat-brim tilted down on his nose to expose it. I have been studying under De Mellville several months now. The first month I painted fences, and gave general satisfaction. The next month IS only the sixth, and I am already in portraits ' a littLtttn/"'^ friends everywhere would aid me in my indeavor to attract nl h?d Af '^ ?^'^^^ P^'^''"^*'- ^ ^^^^ P^^^"''^^^^^ it can be accom- 1 ished, If the course to be pursued be chosen with judgment. I write for tliat magazine all the time, and so do many abler men, and if I can get the .^1 :^k?c2:ntsdf: ""'^^^^'^' '^^"' '' '" ^" ' --' ^ "^« ^^^^^-^ -**- tako any, eitlier. xd my portrait of would liavo gone -ays stated Avhere lonie critics liave vera added. Bnt rs and epaulettes es for the sake of agle— it is a na- !m8 impossible to in. ng till my aunt 5nt first one thin^' Once she said eded in the attic, lit she does not When I showed as rubbish, u'e come at last and my onthu- with more and lying under De Smith when he vants, having a hat great artist, hat-brim tilted klis now. The The next month fourth common present month javor to attract t can be accom- ]t. I write for if I can get the reading matter 124 MAHK TWAIN's MK.MOnANDA. COMMENDATIONS of THE POllTJiAJT. Tliero is nothing like it in tlio Vatican. TJio expression is very intoiostin.I)Hcity about tlie execution of this work whic]> warms the heart towards it as much, full as much as it iti::::!::^^!: One cannot see it without longing to conten^plute the artist. Frkdekick Williaj). Send me the entire edition— torrether with +l.n ,.i..+ i x, nn^'tr'■■,n■ o„ 1 '"o^ioer witu tJio plate and the original poitrait— and name your own nricp \r,A ,.r„ n ,-, "■" "ufeuiai William III. THE FACTS IN THE CASE OP OE0R«E FISHER, DECEASED. ThU is Iiistoi-y. It is nut n «iUl oitrar.v/an?i lik, " I„l,„ wiv Mackenzie's Great Beef Contract," but is a plli:: at tL/^!' ac^' X" cumstances wxth which the Congress of tho United States hL It el " self from time to tune during the long period of half a century I will not call this matter of George Fisher's a great deathless and un relenting swindle upon the Government and people tf the l^UeT slteZ' for It has never been so decided, and I hold thai it is a grav and Imn wrong for a writer to cast slurs or call names when such is the as -bu w simply present the evidence and let the reader deduce "sown ^rdl^t Then we shall do nobody injustice, and our consciences shall be clear pro.re!s Z 'S^Hda'thf '^' ^^,^^P*-^-' ''''' «- Creek war being'then in progress mJ^lorida, the crops, herds, and houses of Mr. George Fisher . citizen, were destroyed, either by the Indians or by the United Itatltroops property, there would be no relief for Fisher ; but if the troops destroyedit IT. 4 Pit's IX. ty about it, wliich tlio Murillo school Rl'SKIV. r. W. Titian-. ;an(l.) I. SA IJOXHEI'R. I'l.SMARCK. ? before. : Mellvilie. ' tliis work wliich it fascinates tlie Laxd.si:.'3r. rtist. 'K William. and tlio original ke to come over ill not cost yon a 'ILLIAM III. DECEASED. ohn Williamson 3f facts and cir- is intereste-.I it- iry. iathless and nn- United States— ive and solenni e case — bntwill is own verdict, be clear, ar being then in eorge Fisher, a 3d States troops destroyed the fw destroyed it, •MAUK TWAIN's .MK.MOIIAXDA. 125 George Fisher mnst have con.si.lered that the 7..//,,., destroyed the property, .ecause. although ho lived several years ufterward, ho doe „o appear to liavo ever nuvdo any clai.u upon the (iovernment In the co,n-so <.f time Fisher died, and his widow married again \nd .y and by, nearly twenty years after that din.ly-ren.embered ah ^p iMshersoornhcIds, tkr ,ri f,nr Fi.l.,y. '-.•/../.„.; ,,titi.,ned Con-a J r pay for the property, and backed up the petition with many depositron a afhdavits winch purported to prove that the troops, and not the In ia J cstroyod he property ; that the troops, f... .,J i,,,r„t.,,, ,,,," '^ .'..ately burn-d down "houses" (or cabins) valued at mo, th a 1 '. longmg to a peaceable private citi.en, and also destroyed va ious ot W P.,.ei^. belongn,g to the same citizen. Hut Congress declined to. ^^ at the troops were sudwd.ots (after overtaking and scattering a band of Ind a„s prove.l to have been found destroying F.sher's property/as t n v continue the workof destructi<,nthen.selves and make 1 ciuple e {ob f '^ he Lubans had only conunenced. So Congress denied the petit on o ho heirs of George Fisher in 18;;2, and did not pay them a cent. We Jiear no more from oiiieially until 1848 IG ve-irs .,ff,„. +i • r x attempt on the Treasury, and a full generatir after tirdeU ,n'" whose .elds were destroyed. The new generation ^Vi^::;!;^;^" K.^d and put ni a b.l for damages. The Second Audi^:'^^ Z .^,8,J,bemg half the damage sustained by Fisher The \udifo,. « i ., testimony slewed that at least half the dci-uction was^^iJ ^ ^ ll! i ^ 4o::n"^:x;i;r "' ^ ^'"'" -' "^ --- ^^- c^ovenLnt.^::: revision" of their .nsJior, deceased, came forward aiul pleaded for a >.ll of damages. The revision was made, but nothing ne;;;;;d;rbe iinm r ' ^en-. Ivor except an error of 8100 in the former cal^idll^r y^^.^: '?: order to keep up the spirits of the Fisher rimilv +l,o \„r, ^^'^^^'^ "i hc„.„„„s,o„» „.„„. The „1,1 p„,ri„t, AUon,oj-Go,.o,.al t" ev bi oaanco fm the desoluto oritos-intercst .,,, that ,.rigi„al awani „f "it «- i fr,n„dato,. destruction „f the ,,r„,,„rty ,1813) „,, t^ 1R12 rU ,t 4o a greHt-gran,lch,Id than to get the I.dia,,, to h„r„ a e„„,fleM ^tTli!^ 120 MAHK TWAIN'h MKM0aAM).\. mr;.':.::,:T"°""° "" "■■' • ■" "■" '»>■ " ■■" ■ ^^ i:-"^.- 4. Strange as it may nrvm, tlio Fishor-. I.,h (!„!,;,rH< aIo„, f,,,- five jHiKl ton viiirk iilrvKiht wluoh" iJ'r it "■"'■"'"*'''' '"^''"''^ "^'''' '""^ "■'^"^•'^ on«„ccl-an interval «lud lastoa four years, v,z.. till 1858. Tl.e " rigl.t n.an in tl.e rigl.t place " rir ;T*7f War-J<.hna f'loyd.of peculiar renown ^1^1 .. a master nitollect ; hero was the very nun to snceor the sulierin, heirs of deacUnd forgotten Fishor. They can>e up fron. Florida with a rush-a geat^t.dal waveof Fishers freighted with the samo old nu.sty documents about the same nnn.ortal cornfiekls of their ancestors. They straightway got an act passed transferring the Fisher n.atter from the dull Auditor to ingenions Floyd What did Floyd do I Ho said " n- was ruoVK,, tJn,f //„■ ^<'/-■,, // It; for five ycmrs ea Iioanl }»y (Um- cy yiit n huiiring, itor til ro-cxamiuu tiiiii) I if jin honest IKiilod tjvurything. inly iKit entitled tn •fl !iii(l ncfuiaintcd sued— ail interval n the right place " :iio\vn / Hero was sudiTing lieirs of a witli a nisli — a nuiaty documents 'J'licy straightway ! dull Auditor to s I'noVKi) tlutt the ti'rcd in pursuit.'^ have consisted of it trifling ])art of that the Govern- lestroy. — 'fee (icrrs of irJienf, ;ularly intelligent ;lit not acL'ordini' CT 3ponsil)lo for that was resiionsible onsisted (I quote >,00o :'i,ona l,0;)0 1, 21 14 srio i.noii !,rioo i,104 -' of the property tarving Fishers, jtal the amounts jerful remainder , and again they MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. 127 retired to Florida in a condition of temporary tranquillity. Their ancestor's farm had now yielded them, altogether, nearly .Uti^-.u-ven thu..anU dollar, in cash. ' <;. D.ies the reader Hupp.mo that that was tJio end of it / Docs lie sun pose those dUlident Fishers were satisfied / Let the evidence show TJie Hshers were quiet just two years. Then they came swarming up outof the fertile swanqm of Honda with their srv-e old documents, and besieged Con- gress once more Congres. capitulated on the lirst of J„„e, iH.iO, and in- Htructed Mr. Lloyd to overhaul those pai-ers again, and pay that bill ^ Ireasury clerk was ordered to go through those papers an.l report to Mr b loyd what amount was still duo the em.-xciated Fishers. This clerk (I can produce h.m wlienever he is wante.l) discovered what was ai.parently 1 blar- ing and recent forgery in the papers, whereby a witness's testimonv as to°the pnco of corn in Florida in 181:5 was made to name double the am.mnt which hat witness had onguutlly spooilled as the price ! The clerk not only called his superior's altention to this thing, but in making up his brief of the case called particular attention to it in writing. That part of the brief mrcr uot he/or. ro»i,re,., nor has Cmgress ever yet had a hint of a forgery existin-. Hiiiong the Fishor papers. Nevertheless, on the basis of the doubled priced (and totally ign.mug the clerk's asserti.m that the figures were manifestlv ami unquostioiiably a recent forgery), Mr. Floyd remarks in his new report that the testimony, parUmladj in regard to the corn corps, dk.uam!.s v MivH inoHKH .VLI.ow.^^^Io than any heretofore made by the Auditor or my- self. feo ho estimates the crop at .ixfi, hnsheh U> the acre (d.iiible what Florula aciH^s produce) and then virtuou.sly allows pay for only half tho flop, hut allows ta-j dollars and a half a bushel for that half, when there are rusty oHl>ooks and documents in the Congressional library to show just what the Fisher testnnony .showed before the forgery, viz. : that in the fall .If 181o corn was only worth from $1.25 to 81.50 a bushel. Having accom phshed this, what does Mr. Floyd do next ? Mr. Flovd (" with an carne't desire to execute truly the legislative will,'" as he pimi.ly renmrk.s) goes to work and maues out an entirely new bill of Fisher damages, and in this new nil lie placidly ojnores thr In-.'ians altogether-puts no particle of the de ,truc- lon of t he Fislier property upon them, but, even repenting liim of ehar-in- them with burnhig the cabins and drinking the whiskey and breakin-Ahe crockery, lays then, fnrdMU.nge at the door of the imbecile United States troops, d.nvii to the very last item ! And not only that, but uses the for- gerj- to double the loss of corn at " llassett's creek," and uses it agahi to absolutely treble the loss oF corn on the "Alabama river." This new .and ably conceived an.l executed bill of Mr. Floyd's figures up as follows (I copy again from the printed U. S. Senate document) • MARK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. The United states inacan.U rcUhtJ. l.jal representatives of Georg. Fisher loiQ n, ^>„ , , , (laceased. '' ' 1»1J— lo ooO ]iead of cattle, at $10 To 8() head of drove lioc^s $o,500 00 To 350 head of stock ho^g"."", 1.204 00 ToIOOackes of corn on Bassptt'V Pn^",."^- ^''^^^ ^^^ To 8 iHurel, of whl.ke,, ^''^"^'^ «.000 00 To 2 Imrrels uf hrandu 350 00 To 1 barrel of rnm...'.^^'^^'!^', 280 00 To drji goods and mcrrhandise hi 's'to'ro' i i An nn lo 3o acres of wheat 1,100 00 To Iv', 000 hides... 350 00 To furs and hats i a ><'tore[[[[[[]][. [['.[[ ^'^"^^^ 0*^ To rrockcnj ware in store ..'.'.* ^'^^^ ^ To smith's\aid carpenter's toois' ^^'^ ^^ To hnusen hnrnv.d and destromd ' " 250 00 To 4. do-:,-n hotflc, of wine ^^00 00 1814-To 110 acres of o,u-n on Ah;i;am; "w::.; ^- ^ rf, S Jo crops of paas, fodder, etc ;.;■;; '''j^J^ ^^ Total ~ To interest on 822,202, from jVii'J'"'i«i'V+"""'T;- i'" ^^4,052 00 18U0, 47 yc.uvs and 4 moX:':: •!.'...'.'!'' '" "^ "^"'"'^'^^' ,,,.,,« bei, 18b0, 4G years and 2 months.... o- o,h r,. oD,oLi 50 '^"^'''^ ^m^n^ He puts everything in, tliis tin^.e. He does not even allow that the In duns destroyed the crockery or drank the four dozen bottles of ( „r fnt wine" ^ hen It can.e to the supernatural comprehensiveness in ''11™^^^^ 13. Floy, was without his equal, in his own or any other .en ra on Sub tractuigrom the alx,ve total the ^'07,000 already paid t: "e'.rFisW: ntT^t "'"' T ''""' """""^^^^ ''''' *^- Government wi .S i n-' de ted to then, rn the snnx of si^tg-slr thousand Ji.e hundred and L . U^u.ande,ghty^re rents, ''which," Mr. Floyd complacently remakT vdl be paul, accordingly to the administrator of the estate of GeoVe Se ' deceased, or to his attorney in fact." ^^^^t,^ ^i^ner But, sadly enough for the destitute orphans a now P,.o«; i w .i..»t a. «,i, ti,„a, B„oha„a„ a,„, F,<„., .-en! o„t aU"; ,o^' r*^: .«™»y. Tl,„ l,i,t ll,i„„ tl,at CmgvoB, .lid i„ 1801 ,va/ fc, red „T Vl, T FL.ja (a,KUl„ubt o,s tho l,oir, of Geo,-.. Fi,l,er likewUe; 1 a ting ready to resurrect it once more, and alter his customary speech on fi- nance, war and other matters, so that it will tit it.) Now, the above are facts. They are history. Any one who doubts it can send to the Senate Document Department of tlie Capitol for H. R. Ex. Doc. "No. 21, 3Gth Congress, 2nd Session, and for S. Ex. Doc. No. 100, 41st Congress, 2nd Session, and satisfy himself. The whole case is set fortli in the tirst volume of the Court of Claims Reports. It is my belief that as long as the continent of America holds together the heirs of George Fisher, deceased, will still make pilgrimages to Washing- ton from the swamps of Florida, to plead for just a little more cash on their bill of damages (even when they received the last of that sixty-seven thous- and dollars, they said it was only one-fovrth what the Government owed them on that infernal corn-field); and as long as they choose to come they will find Garret Davises to drag their vampire schemes before Congress. This is not the only hereditary fraud (if fraud it is-which I have before repeatedly remarked is not proven) that is being quietly lianded down from generation to generation of fathers and sons, through the persecuted Treasury of the Lnited States. A "Forty-niner" (as the first emigrants to California are still called m memory of the year 1849) who long ago returned from tlie Pacific, hai discovered the following poem among his forgotten papers, and sends it for insertion m these pages. His note states tliat he picked it up in the streets of Stockton, California, twenty years ago ; and the endorsement on tlie back and the old and yellow aspect of the MS. are g..od evidence of his truthful- ness. Miners were very plenty in Stockton in those old days, and among them were many in whose hearts this "Lament" would have found an answering chord, and in their apparel an eloquent endorse- ment ; but that is all past now. Stockton has no miners any more, and no celebrity except as being the place where the State insane asylum is located But that celebrity is broad and well established ; so much so that when one IS in California and tells a person he thinks of going to Stockton, the remark must be explained or an awkward report may get out that he is insane. You would not say in New York that a friend of yours had gone to Sin<^ Sing without explaining that he was not accredited to the penitentiary-unless he was ; in which case the explanation would be unnecessary elaboration <;f a remark that was elaborate enough before : THE miner's lament. Hi'sli on a voiigh and (lisiiial cnig, Wiieie Kcaii mislit spout, " Ay, tiieiv'.s the nil.,'' VVhero oft, no cloubt. some nuMnigbt hag Had danced a jig with Ueelzcbiil., There stood beneath the imle moonlight A miner grim, with visage long, Who vexed the drowsy ear of ni,l a two-lioled liutc, ' But tliat I sold to raise a stake. Uien wjiko thy strains, my wild tin pan, A.rriEtlit the crickets from their lairs, jMake wood and mountain riiif,' aj^aiii, -And terrify the grizzly bears. " " My heart is on a distant sliore, My gentle, love is far away, •She (Ireains not that my clothes are toi'c ! And all besmeared with dirty elay ; ■'^h(! little knows how much of late,' _ Amid these dark and dismal seenes, I've struggled with an adverse fate. And lived, ah me! on ])ork and beans. " <>h : that a bean would never grow, 1<> fling its shallow o'er my heart ; •My tears of gii.f are hard to ilow, Lut food like this must make them start, liie good old times liave jiassed away. And all things now are strange anil'new, All save my shirt and trowsers grav, 1 hree stocking and one cowhide shoe ! " Oh, give me back the tlays of yore, And all those bright tho' fadin" seenes < 'oiiiieeted with that hajipy shore Where turkeys grow, aiid elams, and geeciis. 1 liose days that sank long weeks ago Deep in the solemn grave of time, And left no trace that man mav know, Save trousers all patched up behind ! And boots all norn, and shirts all torn. Or botched with most outrageou." stitches— "!i, give me back those days of yore. And take these weather-liepten breeches. " DOGGEREL." _ A Minnesota correspondent empties tho following anecdotes into tlie " " Nein, I don't got any." " Why, liow is tliat >. You remember ycm promised to save one " .1 X u V'""' '''^'"'^' -^'" *'^" ''"^^ '* '-''' " (confidentially and drawinir close ) mnv yon .see de buppy dog he live in the sthable' nut de horse -cl (very pa het.caly] de horse he got step-ped on to de do-ag. and de do Ig ^::^:'Li^ ''-'' ' - '-' '■ ''' -' -* ^'^ ™- ^>- ^ -d^ While np the river I heard the following story, showing how an aniuu can rise when necessary, superior to its nature : "You see," said the narrator, "the beaver took to the water and the log was after him. First the beaver was ahead and then the dog It w-,^ tuck and nip whetlier the dog would catch the beaver, and nuck IZ tip whether the beaver would catch the dog. Finally 't,ie b ^ "t across the nver and the dog had almost cauglit him, when, phit'tptl beaver skuu up a tree." ^ " ^ " But," said a bystander, "beavers can't cli.ab trees " "A beaver can't climb a tree ? By gosh, he ha4 to climb a tree the do« was a crowdni' him so ! " °^ otes into the described in ;he situation doubt secure I trip up the •me of those that it was reed ; so wo that he had 'uld be born ough, as he bargain was GOLDSMITH'S FRIEN D AUROAD AGAIN. NoTK. -No experience is set down in the followin- letters wl-r-l. 1,.„? f be invented. Fancy is not needed to give variety to the histm-v .f a < i man s s.,jon,n in A.aerica. PiainfactTs amply sutiil'nt. ^"'^ " ^'""'- lettkk vi. Sax Franci.sco, 18— Deak Chin,; Foo: 1 was glad enough when n.y case can.e up. An houi s experience had made me as tired of the police court as of the dum-eon I wasnot uneasy about the result of the trial, but, on the co, trary f.irtha; as soon as the large anditoxy of Americans present sliould h.-ar ho v thatT^ rowdies had set the dogs on me when T was going peacefully alon. he t -e r and how, when I was all torn and bleed:ng, the olhclrs arresLl .n^a d jut^*: in jail and let the rowdies go free, the gallant hatred of oppression, vSh^s parte the very flesh and blood of every American, woJiJd be sti^itfi utmost, and I should be instantly set at liberty. In truth I be^an t,> if for the other side. There in full view stood, the niml!.; who fad n sused ne and I began to fear that in the first burst of generous anger occasrned by the revealment of what they had done, they might be harshly handled 132 MABK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. and possibly even banished tl.o cimtry us luvvinR dishonored lior and boinL^ no longer worthy to remain upon lier sacred soil - The .^liclvl interpreter of the court ,«,kcd n.y name, and then spoke it aloud, so that all could hear. Supposing that all was now ready, I cleared n.y throut and began-in CliinosG, because of my imperfect English • " iroar, high and mighty mandarin, and believe ! As I went a,out my peaceful business in the street, behold certain men set a dog on me, "Silence!" it was the judge that spoke. The interpreter whispered tome that I must keep perfectly st.Il. Ho said that no statement would be received fron. Jwe- r must ojily talk through my lawyer. tlie higher cu-cles of society, a "shyster") had come into our'den in the in ison anu oHcn-ed Ins services to me, b„t I had been obligo.l to go without them lK.eau«e I couhl „ot pay in advance or give security. I told the inte - ; t: ;;:? iT "r*''- /^--^^l--* takemyLnces on the w - ?! p t \, ^ "^T"'^ "'•"""•'' '-^"^^ '»y failing confidence revived. C.ail those four Chinamen y tostlfn gnant blood 1, whore all ctly o([ual — of tlio land lis oyos with of Indopon- LH!]) hung up out all men ;ht after all. came ;i now ic^thcro pur- easier. He fraid," and d him, and ing sigii.s at on lii.s ; lie Thoy still snoountered his head at mie one for trial so un- .MARK TWAIN's .ME.MOKANDA. | ,'3;{ flpcakably important to me, and freighted with such prodigious cnse- quence to my wife and children, began, pnogi-essed, cmled, was recorded in the book.s, noted down by the newspaper reporti^rs, and forgotten by every- body but mc— all in the little 8i)aco of two minutes ! "Ah Song Hi, Chinaman. Otticers 0'FIannii,'an and O'Flaherty wit- nesses. Come forward, Onicor O'Flannigan." Okkicku— " He was making a disturbance on Kearney street." JvixjE— " Any witnesses on the other side >" ..,LM^"*'T"""*'" '^^''^ '"'"*'' ^"'^"'^ '""'^^^ ^'''^ eyes -one mntered Oflicer Ul^Iahertys-blushed a little-got nj) and left the court-room, nvoidin- all glances and not taking his ow,i from the floor. Judge—" Give him five dollars or ten days." In my desolaticm thoro was a glad surprise in the words ; but it i-aHscd away when I found that he only meant that 1 was to bo fined five dollars or imprisoned ten days hmger in default of it. There were twelve or tifteen Chinamen in our crowd of prisoners, charged with all manner of little thefts and misdemeanors, and their oases were quickly dispt.sed of, as a general thing. When the charge came from a policeman or other white man, he mado his statement, and that was the end of it, unless the Chinaman's lawyer could find some white per- son to testify in his client's behalf ; for neither the accused Chinaman nor his countrymen be> ig allowed to say anything, the statement of t,ho ofHcors or other white person was amply sufticiont to convict. So, as I said, the Chinamen's cajos were (piickly disposed of, and fines and imprisonment promptly disfribvited among them. In one or two of the cases the charges against Chinamen were brought by Chinamen themselves, and in those cases Chinamen testified against Chinamen, through the inter- preter ; but the fixed rule of the court being that the 2°-<'P<'ii-ancr. of testimony in such cases should determine the prisoner's guilt or innocence, and there being nothing very binding about an oath ac nis- tered to the lower orders of our people without the ancient solemnity of cutting '-ilE a chicken's head and burning some yellow paper at the same time, the interested parties naturally drum up a cloud of witii esses who are cheerfully willing to give evidence without ever knowing anything about the matter in hand. The judge has a custom of rattling through with as much of this testimony as his patience will stand, and then shutting off the rest and striking an average. By noon all the business of the court was finished, and then several of m who had not fared well were remanded to prison ; the judge went home ; the lawyers, and officers, and spectators departed their several ways, and left the uncomely court-room to silence, sohtude, and Stiggers, a newspa- per reporter, which latter would now write up his items (said an ancient Chinaman to me), in the wliich he would praise all the policemen indiscri- minately and abuse the Chinamen and dead people. Ah Sono Hi, 134 MARK TWAIN's MKMOKANDA. MEAN PEOPLE. My ancient comrado, " Doostick s" h, n u+f, „ * x- ,. , so into a ,„.,„„ , „,„, „, ,„„„,,., :r:i* f ;s; ",r ti :n 'aftJ^S;;^ 'iW'"'^"' V around about an liour or so M^rt^J-i.^n ^^i-r aiiei iuni, and after cavourtnig of a worthless s ;r on bo^dS'T^^ S' ""''^^"^^^ ""^^^ «<^i«» dignity-he put on all the S ife 1 -ul T,^? 1 ' "^ M.^"" got right up on hi., Jones into double irons and thprl 1,1 If »dy-and m two minutes he hati to go'ol advt.tarir:J "^ ""^ """; """' ^^ ^^^'^ly he might not .show TnS. 1 V ^^ ^'^''"''' "^ *^"« gif*^«^ «'"I"r, but I will enter x Toledo bndegroonx against the son of the salt wave, and let the le take the money I gxve the Toledo story jnst as it comes io me. (It, too s v ri^^en ::; i";^t:::^i;r r "^ -^^— ^^ -^ ^ ---^ - bachelor tj^'iS: tl^f ^' ^^ ^'Jwh *" '^ *"^ ^^''^''^ ^'^ ^ ^^-i- took unto hLself aw" and a\Stf^^^^^^^^^ and things from con^atn fn' Ss ' C tCnZ"'V''''' «/.«"verwaro some silver ladle, costing se^°cra doli.vr'. «*>^^r ^hap, sent in a hand- tinued. A year later cTalso entered iTfn T''^^ • ^^^''' /"endship con- the fair Eves: and L ali had a u! r I^'i^*"«^?'"P ^or life with one of than S^O,000,%hought he olir;?^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Uu^'^r^ T^'l ^T ^"""^ ^^«« present, and a happy thou4 strucJii \r w^^f^^^^ ''' ^'''^^'''S jeweller from whom it was Wcha el hvC fh. v ' 'i *^'* ^'-^dle down to the for silver salt dklu. to pZ^T^TaXl^ ^J'"' ^''^"''' '""^ ""'^^'^ ''^ ''•^' i-'^^■•^t^^ '"^t have l.eon accustomed Fn.r "'"^f -■^^"'"^'l- Mark is by no l.i«, that ].e nustakcL iffo " i, r,^,Sf ;^^^^^ f-/'-' i^-> "uich finer than «unu c.untst, and larfs moat consuniedly." A man wlio cannot learn stands in his own li.-ht Here-ifto,- u-l i vnte an article which I know to be good bnt whid T ,„ ''''^*''' ''^'''' ^ four \»;il l,,^+ • o""^^) one wjiicii 1 may have reason to fc.u >M 1 not, in some .quarter., be considered to amount to nmc enjoy the cordial applause! "'" ""'"''''^ "^ ^"^^^ ^^'^^ ^"^ CONCERNING A RUMOR. ana anxiety. A day or two ago I found the following item in the «' Tn.. i vWfchliSy"" ""■• ''"' ^"'"■' ■"" '""""■"■^'l t™ tho„sa.d different ^n^ pretnl >1 ' . ""^^'"^ incessant passes at them on the win-- I lit ]io ought to !iini,'" or nut be- i public library wliicli contains son I t savory tiling ts liai)py, chirx)- Ninu sniokti's >!• a ([uartor, to Hi latter. Tlio accustomed ^ »- - «-w.i.. the I got to picking up papers npprehensively-much as one would lift ■ grandfather of ou nob e stand Jjh ""'^r f^'-^t^^^nt that the lamented for highway roblXira brumal «H^''T-^^^ ^- Hoffman, was hanged of foundation iS^^t It 1 dit i^'r'-"*"? "?' ^^*'^«"<^ ^^ «'»gle «l^adow shanieful nieanrresoLd to to ich P^^^^^ ''''*"^"' "^^" *" «^« «"<^1^ the dead in thei? gmves anVdeSL^^^ '"'''f '"^^ *'^^ attacking of When we think of^thlan "Ih f "° «'eir honored names with slander. innocentrelati^es and LS of the ?P."."''?^^" ^''^''^°^^ ™"«* *^'^"«« «>« an outraged and insulted Dubbrt. «,'''^' ^^ V'''■^''^"'°'* '^"^'^n *« incite the traducer. Bur„o-?et^s leave b^'f^.r^^ ""^'^^"^ vengeance upon 8cience-(thoughif pLion sLnlTai^^ ^^'"I'l"^ * hvcerated con- blind fury the^ si offirtll Si f t^ better of the public, and in its that no jury cmild convS ad noturi ^'^'^^ yV^J"^^' i* i« but too obvious J J' urn mvict and no court punish the perpetrators of the deed. ) witb?^ "f "i«^« closing sentance had the effect of moving me out of bed with despatch that night, and out at the back door, also, while tl '^ut n! d upon the Boo. and say that I neve^ :ZerefLl':iZ[tjI^^^ MAHK TWAIN's MK SI OK AMU. 139 :i cruel, heartless ird of Vr akawak ! ot know wliat to itliont doing any- iiothing more : iggostivoly silent lever referred to ••"I •nor deign to ex- )tc for liini !) the H Viihiablea from jly foniul on Mr. tnipa in), tiiey vn good, and so advised \vni to id in the cuni]). it i For [ never 13 "Twivi'v. tlio •ne wonid lift a esnake nnder it. Flanagan, Esii., of Water street, at the lamented :in, Avas hanged a single shadow ;n to see such he attacking of 3 witii slander, nust cause the driven to incite rengeance upon lacei-ated con- blic, and in its )ut too obviou.s rsof the deed.) me out of bed the "outraged iture and win- ? off such pro- lay my hand )ffman's gi-aud- father. M„re -I h.ul never even heard of hin. or mentic nod bin,, up to that day and date, ' ^ forrifr'"'^^' "'1'*?''"'^'' ^^>"'* *''" J'>"''"^1 above quoted f von. ahvayn res forred to me afterwards as "Twain, the liody-Snatcher "j followhu;:'"'^ "owspaper avHcle which attracted n.y attention wa« the ^S^^o^'lnd 'b/'V'"r""l «*'^t-ltJ"^t ^'- J"ul b^n' knock^l uw , b; a IndeDcndontHtri, ,1 !>., vlV u ^"* "'''^^ ''('sh of the same sort. And tlio tley Snot know w i ^^f""" f^'" ''''^'^}''^ subterfuge and proten.l that ere Jtur whom e^ienom hnle 'Su^T"', ''^ !Y '''''''''' l'^ *^' '' abandoned •vrrn to reel into Vr ^7V u^"'" '^ '// ^.t'')"^/'"-'!-'^^''"-'"-- -1 ''''■^'uu man ,m.. Ifc is the in perative du V of^t^^^^^^^ i',' 1 ""^'W 'J'"" "^ '""■'^''■' '■"'"•••'>"''""• brute was t Mnrl S^ i • S''^«;l'^'"'J«'^»ts to prove that this besotted that a m ts" f n f hiii ,7 TI?'^^' • ^^ Vl^"' *^'^""J ''' ^^^«* ' ^'^^^ *« '- -'^^- tones: - Who was Tn^T^^^^^ "^ *^'" l"-"^!'^" ^^'-'"'^^"^^^ i'^ t''""'!"'- mv namHw '"^''''' t'T'"*"^^ "^''"^^'^^°' ^°^ '^ '"^'"^•"^ '^^^' ^'' -^« really my name hat was coupled with this disgraceful s,ispicion. Three lon« years had pa.ed over my head .since I had tasted ale, U.r, wine, or li,;!::; [It shows what effect the times were having om me when 1 sav 1 suv s^^ i^S^:^"?' "''"■ ^^^^^^-^^--«Twain";;:hi2ti:: on!^ ade vt ' l-;g-"otwithstanding I knew that with nxono- tonous adeh y the paper would go on calling me so to the very end. J my n!ui matter TT"" '''*'"' """^^ «^""'° *" ^'^ '-^^ in.portant part of my mail matter. Tins forjn was ci^mmon : begin?''' ''^'^"^ *^'"* ''^^^ ^'"'"'•^" ^"" kiked of your pien.ises which was Pol Prv. And this : but n!L!^"'^ilu'\^f^:;'S;;/:;" h-- '"f ,"'"f'^ ^^ nnbeknow.ns to anybodv thro' the papers ivom '' ^^'^ ''^^'- *" ^^'""^"^ t"'^^'' -'• J'""'!! I'ear m, , . , Handy Andy. blackmailing to me. ^'"^''^••^t P'-^Pti nailed an aggravated case of [In this way I .acquired two additional names • " Twain tl.« h'ilfl,, r- ruptionist,.' and «' Twain, the Loathsome Embracer."] ^'''^ ^"■ all tl7l 'u T\*^''' ^""^ S''''™ ^'^ ^« «"^^^ ^ ^l^"^«r for an " answer" to 140 MAHK TWAIN's MEMORANDA. As if to n.ako tho jippoal tlio moru imperative, the following api)earud in one of tho papers tho very next day : no.aorfr"l ""^ ^^"^ !-Tho Inrlopendent candidate still maintains silence. irovP ilr T 'T^- ^r'y f cu8ati.>n against liim has been amply proved and they have been endorsed and ro-cnd(,rsed by his own eloquint sdenco t.11 at tins day ho stands forever convicted. Look np.m yonr Oandi- iw. JhnTlri'^i^^'jV'^'" *^ ^"^'"""'••'' ^'^''-J'"'^'-' t>'« Montana V. r F-lfi "" ly-^"1*'^'»V''-' ^""ten.plate your incarnate Delinnu Tremens ! your Filthy Corruptiomst ! your Loathsome Embracer ! (Jaze upon him -ponder him well-and then say if y.m can give your honest votes to a creature who has earned this dismal array of titles by his liideous crinieH, and dares not open his mouth in denial of any one of them ! There was no possible way of ^rotting out of it, and so, in deep liumilia- tion, I set about preparing to " answer" a mass of baseless cliarges and mean and wicked falsehoods. Tint I never finished tho task, foi- the very next morning a paper came out with a new horn.r, a fresh malignity, and seriously cliarged mo with barning a lunatic asylum with all its inmates because it ob- structed tho view from my house. This threw me into a sort of panic Ihen came the charge of poisoning my uncle to get his property, with an imperative demand that the grave should be opened. This drove me to the verge of distraction. On top of this I was accused of employing toothless and incompetent old relatives to prepare the food for tho foundling hopital when I was warden. I was wavering-wavering. And at last, as a due and httmg climax to tho shameless persecution that party rancor had inflicted upon me, nino little toddling cliildren of all shades of color and degrees of raggedness were taught to rush on to the platform at a public meeting and clasp mo around the legs and call me Pa ! I gave up. I hauled down my colors and surron lered. I was not crual to the requirements of a Gubernational campaign in tho State of Ninv York and so I sent in my withdrawal from the candidacy, and in bitterness of .«pint signed it, "Truly yours, '' Once a decent man, but now "Mark Twaln, I. P., M. T., B. S., D. T., F. C, and L. E.'" THE "PRESENT" NUISANCE. To be the editor of any kind of a newspaper, either country or metro- pohtan (but very specially the former), is a position which must be trying to a good-natured man. Because it makes him an object of charity whether or no. It makes him the object of u peculiar and humiliating, because an in- terested, chanty-a charity thrust upon him with offensive assurance and a perfectly unconcealed, taken-for-oranted tliat it. wiU i- --ceived with gratitude, and the donor accounted a benefactor; and at the very same time the donor's chief motive, his vulgar self-interest, is left ^ frankly unconcealed. The country editor oh.rs his advertsing space ng ftppoarod in ono 1 maintains silonce. a has been amply liis own elixjuont upon yonr Candl- er ! tho Montana )elirum Troniens .' (ja/,0 upon him honest votes to u 3 liidoous crimes, , in doep hnniilia- chargca and mean ^or tl»o very next ity, and seriously itos because it ob- a sort of panic. •roporty, with an 1 drove me to the ploying toothless foundling hopital last, as a due and ticor had inflicted • and degrees of alic meeting and I was not cipial ite of New York, in bitterness of ( but now '. C, and L. E,'' MAUK TWAINS MKMOBANDA. HI intry or metro- ust be trying to irity whether or because an in- i^surance and a : received with I at the very iterest, is left Ivertsing apace to tho public at tho trifle of one dollar and a half or two dollars a square, first insertion, and ono would suppose his "patrons" would bo satii- fiod with that. I^jt they are not. They puzzlo their thin brains to find out some still cheaper way of getting their wares celebrated— some way whereby they can advertise virtually for nothing. They soon hit upon that meanest and shabbiest of all contrivances for robbing a gentle-spirited scribbler, viz., tho conferring upon him of a present and begging a "notice" of it— thus pitifully endeavoring to not only invade his sacred editorial col- umns, but get ten dollars' worth of advertising for fifty cents' worth of mer- chandize, and on top of that leave the poor creature Inirdcned with a crush- ing debt of gratitude ! And so tho corrupted editor, having once debauched his independouco and received ono of these contemptible presents, wavers a little while tho remnant of his self-respect is consuming, and at last abandons himself to a career of shame, and prostitutes his columns to "notices" for every sort f)f present that a stingy neighbor chooses to inflict upon him. The confectioner insults h:m with forty cents' worth of ice-cream — and ho lavishes four "s(iuareH" of editorial compliments on him ; the grocer insults him with a bunch of overgrown radishes and a dozen prize turnips — and gets an editorial paragraph perfectly putrid with gratitude ; the farmer insults him with three dollars' worth of peaches, or a beet like a man's leg, or a water-melon like a channel-buoy, or a cabbage in many respects like liis own head, and expects a third of a column of exuberant imbcrility — and gets it. And these trivial charities are not respectfully au'i icefuily tendered, but are thrust insolently upon the victim, and with an air that plainly shows that tho victim will bo held to a strict accouni .iilifv in the next issue of his paper. 1 am not an editor of a newspaper, and shall always try to do right and be good, so that God will not make me