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Les diagrammes suivants illustrent la m^thode. 1 2 1 3 12 3 4 5 6 ■Iv , :4 THE LAND SV^AP, A SATIRE :4 ; , .:; "V . 18T5. J THE LAND SWAP, A SATIRE ■ <•>» « 1875. THE LAND SWAP A SATIRE. IN FOUR PARTS. DRAMATIS PERSONS. Hon. Gideon Wee-met,— hut soon to part. Jlon. Louis A-sham-heau, —all sham, so-so. Hon. J. A. Chap-hic, —hut low-er may be found. Hon. George N'Ervine,— whom nerve failed him. Bon. M. For-tin-ier, ^noi all tin-sel. Man. Mr. Mold-on,— Si very cautious old Jog. ' Ho Mr. Ha'penny,— aometimea a very bad penny, Mr. Jackdaw, — a great bawler. Mr. Pontoon-Bridges,— of many spars. Mr. \Art-ful,—a, very 'ard- Vted man. Mr. Lunn-atick, — who was greatly sold. Mr. Centre-miss,— aometimes middle-mist. M. Da7iser-o,— more knave than saint. Aid. Divide, — with himself M. Bo-bien, — not Men beau. 1st Conservative. 2nd Do. 1st Rouge. 2nd Do. ^rd Do. Judge Kuursaal. Hon. Hy. Storms. Hon. Mr. Church. ■1 THE LANDISWAP. PART FIRST. SCENE FIRST. Characters: -Jackdaw, 'Artful and Pontoon-Bridges. Jackdaw. Friend Artful I have hatched a clever scheme. Artful. How wondrous strange ! what may it be ? J. In ages past, so far that search doth fail To bring to light the generous donor, land Of an extent considerable, fell Into the hands of the then government. Can you guess the cause of this right strange bequest, For generosity as the world doth view it. Doth only appertain to knaves and fools ; — Mark ye the cause ! Dost thou guess ? A. Oh pshaw ! Pray come to the point, and straight your tale reveal. . J. Howe'er you'd never guess, thy pate's too thick^ For mental speculation ; it's funny quite. For lunatics, the writing ran, and faith I think the donor had a strong, rich vein Of caustic humor when the Government, He made Trustees ; forsooth what better hands Could hold such trust, its object kept in view The while. Apart from this, I have a scbemo. A. A scheme, well quick about it, details and alU I have not time for gabbirg on the street. Il ft in J. You do partake my nature quite, and hence I seek your aid forthwith ; it noeds some tact, And I well know your wily, tricksome dodges. You are a master in your line, and as For saints how holy, philanthropic, you Can be, when purpose serves to make disguise. None Know so well as doth yourself. This scheme — A. Ah well, this scheme ! the scheme by all means. A truce to artful compliments, I am Too old to be by clever chaffing caught. Details ! details ! the scheme. J. I knew your bent. Moneyed impatience chafes at short delays. This laud of which I spoke just now would be A choice investment; precious profits would accrue To any purchaser ; so far 'tis well, but how To purchase is the question I would solve ; With your assistance, clever man, you will I'm sure, devise some project for our case. Our, I say, because I thinj£ you'll join Me ill this venture. A. Show me money first ; This needful ally certain, I will aid You in your scheme with all my heart. Proceed. J. We must obtain the Government's consent, Ofcoursej err we cati cull this morsel choice ; But howt? thft Qoardian knot is here displayed. Cut the difficulty, laad, the game is ours. A. Well, have yiOUfeU the ground with needful care ? J. No, not exacitly j I that's to say I did I^ot make an applicatioa personally ; Yet througch others; 'cait's' paws merely, I Have learned,.tihe Goyeriimerft doth coldly look Upon the questioa of its.salle, and they have In fafcli denied !aiiCoiiple,-Holiearly so. But still I do not despaini Our past doth teach, If anything, that money rules the world In which we^Hve. Ou^ gentlemen, our swells, Aristocrats, so-called, between oureelves, "We know their money makes them all in all. This proof so plain, that schoolboys know it well. How can we use the golden key to ojje The tempting door, that leads to pastures sweet. A. Are all the members honest proof, so pure, That golden arrows might not find a cleft In their gallant armour ; dost thou know Of such a one ? methinks it would not be So difficult, with such a government. - Our weapons should be right judicious chosen. Ashambow they say is not so good, But better he might be, as sayings go. J. I fear that would not do ; it's hardly safo To ply our trade so openly ; and then The papers, cursed scandal mongering sheets, Would surely sniff the thing afar, and raise Their devilish clamor, to our great dismay. For while we mean to profit if we can. Yet still we can't afford to lose our caste In this melange, we call society, For want of better name, I fancy. ^. That Aside; we cannot stop for trifles; these Are thin as air, and bring no money to The till— the central object of our lives. Ah here, I have it 1 blessed thought, divine Must be this inspiration ; heaven itself Must shout with loud acclaim when forth the news dost go ! J. Heaven and you do ill consort, I fear. What clever thoiight has hit your scheming Wain ? A. Clever, thoul't say again, when thou dost hear. Mark well my words ! our hospital doth need, Extended grounds ; in any case, the thing Looks plausible enough to easy cheat Old Gabriel, were he to change his place ■■#■ 6 With our mawkish government, unlikely rather,— Still we know unlikely things do happen. We must address ourselves ujwni these grounds. So philanthropic, thoughtful, too, shall seem Our gentle project; this will doubtless trap, The ibgies of the Cabinet; then Nothing could be clearer than our plan. J. Clearer ! Humph, excuse me, if I see The matter you propose with other eyes. 'Tis clear, 1 grant, the ground we might get on Such grounds, but how to utilize it for Our purposes, a riddle is to me. The difficulties we now face are small Indeed to others, which such circumstance would breed. A.. Oh bah, you know not what you say : Small-pox, — small-pox, hath the word 1*^0 charms to keenly sharpened ears like yours? J. Small-pox ! charms, the horrid word ! You rave, Or worse, you trifle ; what have we vith small-pox ? A. We flatten like it on the ills of men, — Poul humors, — this at least we have in common. Stay, hold ! don't go! I merely jest, pure mirth, Is healthful, you well know ; well, small-pox Has a deeper meaning than you think. J. Speak out then quick, how dim, obscure, you have Become ; I cannot idle here, if such Doth suit your purpose. A. Still impatient, hold, I'll make it clear : the land obtained, we will Puly with meetful gravity propose The erection of a small-pox hospital, — Of course, our human nature deeply stirred The while with lofty instincts ; now, I see, Your eyes begin to twinkle, you must see The sequence of such skilled philanthropy. The district is^most suitable for villa lots, And doth adjoin a spreading populous subu. b. Alarmed at hucIi a propoHition, tlicy Will loud protest ugninst our holy Hchorae. Our rolo \vill easy bo ; ajxhaft at want Of ehriHtian instinctn, Hyrnpathetic lioartn, Ah such base conduct will most plainly nbow, W3 Hlmll demur, protest in turn, and cry With all our strength, to prove our purity. A powerful case they'll show the while, and we At length will feel conviction stealing on Our Hiniplc minds, but much agaiuRt our willn. So sanctified and pure and meet for works Of mercy broad and deep, through paHt events, And then will modestly propose in view Of all this clamor,— which in trutli we'll say Has some foundation, truly so in fact As well as fancy— on'-selves to buy the land. At moderate rate and personal inconvenience, Of course; or better still, if we could but Exchange another, poorer property For this ; you have perhaps such fortune as To bo owner of a proper property. As our purpose may well seek. A little time Will pass, and then we'll sell at profit vast, Astonished greatly at the gains that fall Within our cold, indifferent palms, long chilled By heavenly grace, and works of charity. The world doth know us ; we do know the world. And, speaking plainly, we will here contnve To gull the Government with christian zeal. I'd match Old Satan versus Gabriel, And place vast odds on former that he'd win. J. I said your clev^ aess would find a way, My confidence is not m, ..placed, I see. Your plan delights me greatly ; for both depth And rare simplicity, I like it much, And will with ready hand unite to work Our common good; caution is the word, 1 1 iHhijfiriT r If I ra''iiiir» in ■ 8 For rashness oft has spoiled the best laid schemes. Our actions all must seem to be inspired By others than ourselves ; 'tis well to leave No chance, that evil to our project might Ensue ; our prudence must be marked, as keen And cautious as the motions of a cat, Which cheats its coveted prey of life : — to work! A. You have wel) said ; and now T i,hink we must Obtain another — shall I say confederate ? — No ! 'tis woU, the word sounds badly in Our ears ; and who shall mortal be so blessed, So favored, as to share in this, our scheme ? Ife must give color to the thing, beyond Suspicions glance or ill-starrod tongues, or talk. This is an evil world : in sooth, i must Forswear it, though I greatly hate the odious task. Such truly honest folk as you, or I, Can scarcely work in peace ; but mischief broods Around our steps. Stay — hold — the man we want. Pontoon approaches; he will make the third, A lucky number too ; 'tis well to have All forces possible on our side — both heaven, And bell, if parts they'll take in business like Our venture ; speak him mildly — I will slip Around this corner, and will patient wait On 'Change, for your report. I hope it will Be favortible ; no word, you cautious dog. That I approve; suggestion comes of course, From outside parties ; the re^t you can devise. Good fortune, and a quick report. J. (to Pontoon-Bridges) T would You see a moment on a mr nter which Doth perplex me ; recently I have been asked By divers citizens what we would do — The hospital I mean — about this plague, Whith vilely sweeps the city at this time. I said I did not know, and one thing lod i To other points ; at last a scheme was broached, Which I did view without much favor, still As I was pressed, reluctant I consented. Yet I am not sure, but that my previous thoughts Were most judidious in the case ; they held, T>*it site most excellent did lay on rising ground, Adjacent to the Tanneries, but clear Of this outlying village ; clear, quite clear, I'm sure ; the site I must confess is good. Pontoon. No doabt, the site is all we could desire. If we did think of such a thing, but this Is past consideration ; know you not That finances are low, and business dull, And chances to raise the sum immense we would Require for such a purpose, small, To say the least ; your plan I fear is hopeless. J. So I said, and far more strongly than Now you have done ; and then my friends did state A fact, which forced me to confess the thing, More likely to succeed than I had thought At first ; the land, it seems, is public ground, Held by our local Government in trust, For some such end of love and mercy close, Confined. The project did in truth commend Itself, when I reflected on its tenor. Then I began to think the affair within The bounds at least of yacticability ; More than at the outset, I did judge. P. If this be true, perhai>8 it might be well To see if your idea might chance meet With general favor ; if we the site obtained Without expense, it's possible we then The plan might take in all its details, still I fancy careful judgment would against Your hopes decide^ J. My hopes ! excuse me if I do correct you in so small a thing. 10 It was at first, as I have said, of your Opinion, and alone through urging sav The proposition in a different light. F, Oh certainly, if so it pleases you. J. If we do move about this matter, I Do think it would be well to quickly move, For wicked speculators, I've heard, — It's only hearsay, true, but still I've heard, — That men unprincipled in all their acts, Have long had covetous eyes upon this ground, Which has a fine location, and you know As well as I, or mayhap better far, The compoiiition of our Government. Delay might lead to some transaction, which Would ruin all our generous plans, devised For others benefit, and not for pelf. P. I am prepared to move, if you do wish. And treat to-morrow, with this end in view. J. I would suggest that we might need — you know. It might be better authorization to Obtain ; if you would write a passing note, I doubt not but the managing committee Will give the subject earliest attention. This secured, we might at once proceed Down to Quebec, to strike a ruthless blow To all these speculative schemes, if such They be — and probabilities lie that way. P. I would not be surprised ; and acting on Your Avise suggestion I will write without Delay, both brief and clear, and pointed, with A brief description of the plan you urge. J. Urge, oh no ! — I do not urge at all, I merely do suggest — inditl'erent to The issue, save that I would like to see The project well supported, as its fruit Will be for the sole benefit of poor, Afflicted souls, whose miseries our hearts 11 Must cause to ache, whenever thought in that Direction strays, {aside) which truly is not oft. P. Your heart does credit to your head. I will Be off, and quick indite that note of which I spoke. {Exit P. B.) J. The plot works well. I cc.uld not wish It better if I were a saint, which I In private do not claim at any rate. Be writes the letter ; he first place will take, And if there is a fuss, which scarce I think, Despite a million protestations on His part, he'll bear the brunt of all the blame, While I will rank more saintly than I ought Perhaps in such a case. Aha ! I'll call Upon my Christian friend, my genial twin In mellow character if not by birth. We play into each others hands as ducks And drakes ; well fitted by Dame Nature for The parts we several propose to take In this affair of unctuous reputation. As the world will view its aspect, quite Asleep to all the artful tricks within. The twaddle on creation must of truth Have something, in its meshes deep and wide. For Devil as we view him could not make A mind so rich in all resource as this, Which men possess, so full of schemes and lures. And treacherous plans to bait the addled fools. Who chiefly bless this smiling, happy world. Of fool's creation ; if it were not so How honest men like A. and me would make A living, far less wealth, position, name, And reputation, know I not, and less I care, as otherwise have ruled the fates. But I forget, my comrade soon must know. How well and happily the plot doth work and grow i;: m n SCENE II. Characters : — Jackdaw and 'Artful. A. All hail, old boy, how goes the game ? Did P. Consent to play the piper, while we grind The organ of our hopes — I won't say fears ? J. Then don't ; the scheme works splendidly. I'd Bet, if I were not a Christian, that We will yet succeed, if caution due Is shown : the saintly part we'll play with such Perfection, that St. Gabriel will sigh As he beholds our performance — rich, Luscious treat for earth and neaven alike. A. You fill my heart with joy so deep and pure That I could weep if other business did me not Command ; what says Pontoon about the scheme ? J. Not overmuch ; but then this matters not !Ji8 kind co-operation's all we need. Thus backed, our project looks ertremely fair And tempting. How I wish this day we could That property call our own ; a private feast Would celebrate th' auspicious outcome of Our thoughtful plans; I'd give to-day the poor A thousand, for the certainty that wo Would win. A. And I a like sum, and then Would think the money finely spent ; how success Does soften Christian hearts ! our generous souls Are moved ; the very thought excites our minds, And hasty impulse rushing in would rob Us of our hard earned gains ; 'tis thus with fools. J. But folly such as this would not be dear; I've spent as much on trash without a fear, When precious prey, my net did linger near. A. Ah well, it's time enough to talk of gifts, Such gifts as aimless fools do give, when comes This toothsome morsel in our eager hands. 13 But hold, you have not told what Pontoon does, Or says in this affair ; a willing tool, Has he become, or is it otherwise ? J. Willing enough to suit our private ends. He pledged himself to write, authority To get, to seek the Government in guise Of deputation ; eager others to serve, Of self regardless ; this our principle Is known. A. Too well ; he writes, a happy thought, Most excellent expedient; and we need Net apprehend rebuff ; when offer such As ours is made, all profit and no work, The best of men would seize the passing chjince. SCENE THIRD. Characters : — Jackdaw, Lunn-atick and 'Artful J. All goes well ; the Committee approves, And ripens fast the plot; but here comes Lunn, He'll lend a hand, no doubt unwittingly ; Good-morrow, Lunn, as I did say just now To friend 'Art, you assist in each good we-'k And work there is anon that meets your vit ws. Lunn. What's i' the wind ? J. Magnificence and worth combined ! A splendid project you must bear in mind. Philanthropists, poets, all, loud acclaim Will grant to each effulgent, glowing name, That decorates this deed of mercy and of grace. L. Much it must be, an eulogy Like this to draw from man so practical. A. You rightly speak ; it merits more than he Hath said ; his modesty a lustre sheds About his name ; I would we all as good, Not only seemed, but were. m u j_ You'll anger me, If thla fulsome strain you keep ; 'tis not For this I've toiled. A. (aside) How true ! Humility Was e'er your fault my friend ; the poor will weep Most scalding tears, when that sad day arrives, As so I fear it must, when tolling bells Shall tell a sorrowing world that one good man Has breathed his last ; one from so many drones, As full of sin and wickedness as bone Of marrow. J. Tush ! I'll think you in your dotage, If thus you longer rant ; I would not die A moment sooner than I must, for a.l The praise in Christendom ; I would more good To do ere that event ; how short our lives ! How sad the thought ! we leave this world when ripe With schemes of countless benefactions. A. I Could havo sworn the thought, which truthful bears The impress of the man ! Jj, ' I'm glad to find You in such heavenly frame of mind; but you Did mention scmething,— what ; I remember not. J. What kind reminder ! else I would have missed A chance most opportune to aid procure, For work that surely will find favor in Your kindly eyes ; we have an excellent plan Whose merit appertains to others — not To us. I must explain : in brief, we^would Erect an hospital for patients ill Of that dread contagion, small-pox ; it, I know, you have long favored ; and besides, If Government will but consent, wo have A site advantageous, within our reach, — Nay I may say nigh at our doors. 15 L. Indeed, You please me greatly ; pray where may it be ? J. Right on that pretty slope beyond the t^wn, Above the Tanneries ; better site was ne'er Beheld ! — and all who've heard are charr/.M with The scheme, which merits Heaven's approb < 'on. A. Man's, howe'er, must first be sought; /e ask Your kind co-operation. L. Mine is at Your service, if you wish an instrument So poor ; I trust you will succeed. J. The good And just where'er they be, your wish must breathe With one accord ; I doubt if sun has shone At any time, upon a work so true, And truly tuned to man's most noble instincts. L. Amen, I say; if this bo not approved By all above — then we are lost indeed. J. Your piety doth move my heart — altho'.igh But little used to such superior outbursts. Approving, you will go I hope, if need There be, to meet the Government, and urge This gift for charity so noble ; I Would give one half my fortune, if so small A sacrifice would bless my fellow-men. L. I'm at your dispo^i -ion ; I must confess Your words reveal a hid^lon worth, of which 1 knew not till this hour. A. Nor I forsooth. I've often said he was too good by far To grace this wicked world much longer by His presence ; sad it is, but true, we have The wicked always with us; while the good Unto themselves take wings and fly away. {Aside.) If this be true, his flight is long postponed. L. I must away, my business calls ; good day ! 16 J. Good-day, good friend. (Z/. exit.) Another simple fool Ih in our toils ; it seems they were hut made To serve as baits for abler men, who knew Their silly weaknesses ; if he were mouse — This heaven forbid until we need him not — Instead of man, he'd walk into the trap, Surrounded by a thousand dangers. Saints And Fools have much in common ; none this know So well as you and I, who fatten at Their cost. A. Philosophy is barren worth ; I love the gold, the bright, clean, clinking bits, Which move the heart alike to joy and pain ; To joy, for they are ours, and who shall part Our fortunes once united ; pain, for they are few, What'er their number — few, too few, Alas! J. The puppets dance at our command. The scc-nes will move, and then M'e'll show our hand. A. I'll die of laughter, if the game we win — What mirth we'll have ; 'twould be a crying sin If some base marplot were to spoil our plans. J. To hell with mischief mongers ; I could rave, If we be foiled. A. Your piety doth grow Apace, methinks ; but one must pray At times, it is our nature. J. Wise you are, May fortune prove this once our guiding star, If ne'er before, or hence. A. I add, amen. If now we fail, I'll never hope again. 17 SCENE FOURTH. Characters : — Pontoon-Bridges, Jackdaw and 'Artfuh P. I'm glad to meet you, as I bear you word, Which must in truth rejoice your generous hearts : The managing committee bid Godspeed To your good undertaking ; and does hope That in your quest you quick will have success, J. My heart runs o'er with joy; I've prayed for this, And though you'll not believe it, still I've laid Awake whole anxious nights, in fear the while, Lest they should view askance the Bchemo I have So much at leart jj[. And I ; I ne'er had thought It possible that I should feol a throb Of joy, to learn that we are on the road At last to due accomplish our desires, Apd straight endow our fellow-men with such A royal gift; unless men's hearts are hard, Or harder e'en than adamant, for this, ' Such generous aspirations, purity, And noble, purified ambition would Assuredly soften. J-. Yet, alas ! the past Dost teach us cruel lessons ; these we'll bear In mind, lest base ingratitude should stir Our souls to deepest anger. A. But apart from this. You will keep us company and plead the cause You have so much at heart ; one word froin you AVill serve our common aim with greater force, Than our poor arguments. P. I do consent ; If this you wish, I will be pleased To aid a scheme, destined to work great good, J. I knew your heart was in the plan, and novr I dare to hope that we may meet success. (Exit P.) B 18 J. Aha ! the ball rolls excellently ; wo Must quick in action be, and straight proceed To meet our gentle Government. One hopes — But hopes alas! are brittle things of times — That fortune may be with us in this throw. A. I echo with good heart your words, and pray That our success will equal our deserts. J. Don't put it on that score lost we should lose, But rather ape that grand humility, Which prayerful souls, clean hypocrites, Aifect when they do solemn mouth in public. Let down your jaws two inches, — if possible For four, — roll up your eyes with hideous grace, And then with stutterings and stoppings in your speech, To mark the bashful meekness of your soul, And the proper hesitation which you feel. In thus approaching the dread Throne of Grace, Begin ; but mark you when you end this act, Swear violent oaths, or else how Christians frail Can prove their meek consistency as shown In life, I cannot for my life divine. A. We must away, and cease this confidence. Or we will tell more truths than in our lives Till now; we can plead guilty to few crimes Of this base sort. J. The truth is vulgar quite; I am afraid howe'er the tide will turn, If but for change, away ! away ! A. Adieu. 19 PART SECOND. SCENE FIRST. CiixuxcTh-MH:— 'Artful, Jackdaw, anlow surely, faith, ! If thus you shrink from such a petty squall. You shiver, A-sham-bean ; now, what thinkest thou ? A. That you miscalculate the coming storm ; I've seen them rise with calmer signs, and yet They've raged like tropic hurricanes. W, You mate Our Chap-low, solemn, mournfal, dismal, sad; A pretty pair of friends ! you wish to thro\/^ A dripping blanket o'er my hopes, but these Are far too strong to weakly yield to woman's Fears. C. Youi childish taunt is badly timed : For this I've braved the wrath of yonder mob ; For this I've cut a pleasant visit short ; For this I've earned the bitter, fiendish hate Of shameless foes ; for this assumed the weight Of what I know not all, — I cannot know. I have obeyed, when you did me command ; I have o'er-looked a haughty manner, ill Displayed : these things and many others have I borne. I add, beware, lest I forsake Thee in thy greatest need ; I speak the truth Perhaps too frankly, still the truth, and you Do gibe. W. Come ! come ! 1 did not mean tc gibe. If any of my words can so be read. I know the services that you have given, And these have won my deathless gratitude; The favors that I've showered on you in The past will dwarf to nothing when compared Witli honors yet to come. C. I hope this cloud Of ill-reports and ignominy which I plainly see, although your practised eyes Do recognize no danger, will quickly pass. And leave the sky as bright as 'twas before. A. Amen ! event for which I humbly pray. m 42 W. Then still you fear ? 'tis craven thus to shrink Beneath unseen misfortune. A. Braggarts boast With frequent braggadocio; and cower Like guilty slaves when darkly fortunes lower, W. Your mind's diseasec' ' or else there is somothing Of which we yet are ignorant. Your terms Of feeble scorn are illy chosen ; did I wiwh to strike you back, but I do not So wish, — I'd sink a bitter, rankling shaft Straight in your heart; your previous life Has not been like the wave-uncovered sand, Unmarked and stainless ; keep your anger for Another, — not for mo. C. This will become A comrnnn brawl, if long your tongues do wag; Besides remember we have roused a host Of enemies and mayhap some are lurking Near ; these gentlemen are truly fit For anything, — for any crime. W. Discreet "We must be, still we need not tear their tricks ; If these we cannot equal, then I will resign Mine office. A. Better proof could not be given Of your superiority in this line. C. Alas I Mere treacherous disguise will not Well serve us at this perilous moment. We must be frank, — if never frank before. And bold, — though weakness may have been our choice, And honest- seemingly at least — or else We're lost. W, The devil must inspire you with these thoughts ; You croak, as if by nature fit for such An office ; 'gad, I'd keep more cheerful countenance. 0. I " croak " — as you will have it — just because I keenly feel the gravity of this charge. m W. Have wo no honor, too, to guard I 'twould seem, From your kind conversation, that we'd none. 0. You would not have me answer as they speak, v7ith scornful smiles and open jeers upon The public streets ; their BcofiSngs would not please, I warrant. W. Scoffings leave aside, and speak, As meet becomes a man and colleague. C. Thus have I done, and this ' mine offence. A. Let's lay aside this sort of speech, and soothe -< Our angry souls with some of Victor's best. W. & C. Agreed ! agreed ! we'll swallow such with zest. SCENE TENTH. Characters : — 1st Rouge, 2nd Rouge and 3rd Rouge. 1st R. The country's mind is in a boiling heat. This shameless crew has lost its hold upon The people, and we now may look for grace. Hurrah for all our chiefs 1 they've nobly fought. 2nd R. In truth I'll occupy myself with other Things ; an advent to the Government Will scatter in our path the sweets of place. 1st R. Egad, your reason tolls you right ; but I Do fear the applicants will far exceed The offices in number. 2nd R. This is sure, For twenty years of hungry expectation, Breeds a myriad office-seekers hot For place, endowment and for reckless pay. 3rd R. For instance I do boast a son who would Adorn the highest office in the land. 2nd R. Then leave him out of this poor count, and let Him straight apply for this, our Governor Generalship. Merit such as his would not be passed Without remark and fit reward. *■.> 44 1 tear his talents have no chance ; he would I know, accept a clerkship or some place Of such a kind. IstR Now make him boot black-he for this Would suit no doubt. 2nd R. Or Mangier to Her Majestj^ Ut R. Or Mangier of Queen's English ; many such Do now adorn official station "^ Src? R. ^. i"r Fie Upon your envious tongues; you know the faults Your sons do wear upon their sleeves, so clearly Are they seen. '^ 2nd R. No nore of this, I bog. Or rather would have said : I have a son Who d grace a high position, not to speak Of a portfolio, and politics, I think Will be his trade, he shows such aptitude i wake ; we're done. These faint and craven-hearted ministers Bef use to share the common d:i'- though They talked of faith and trust .e yet the sky ■I' 54 Was calm. Experience is a bitter nurse. Archam. Our game is up, and we must follow suit.. Chap. Even hope deserts us, as we mourn our fate. A curse on traitors to our bark of state. W. Let curses sleep, and conscience be our guide; Now all our efforts must be bent to save The accession of our enemies to power. If "we persist in holding office — then Our doom is clear ; the vote from craven fear, Or from conviction, will remove us from These seats with more of ignominy, than I Desire. A. Nor I. C. Nor I ; we must resign, And careful play with other stakes in view. W. The safest course will be to temporize ; If we abandon what we hold, we will Ensure a new, but still Conservative ministry. G. And that will consolation give at least. This plan is born of Prudence and of Tact ; Perhaps we may conclude a secret pact Besides, which will in time restore us to Our honors — tables turning, foes surprising, Traitors treating, as their merits call For proper recompense. W. You are inspired With happy thoughts ; resign we must, we see Most clearly ; and a pact like this will keep These places warm for our disposal, when The auspicious opportunity arises. A. Most blessed thought! your genius comes Unto our rescue ; if events occur As you incline to think, your honors will Be large and many. C, Tut! this is no time To weave enchanting castles in the air ; Bold action, prudent wills, and calm resolve, / '» 55 Alone will extricate us from this pass With credit to ourselves, our race, and name. W. All haste ! our stratagem must well be laid ; None must suspect the parts we now shall play. May this poor gleam foreshow the coming day. C. We must protest the while against the change Of gross malfeasance, which our act may seem To justify in some faint, guilty sense. I mourn the fact, but Prudence guides our steps; Good fortune beam upon us, and remove This cloud. •• ' A. Misfortune hovers near, and grins " C At our discomfiture ; unhappy deed, That brings this woe ! the house we built is tottering, Tumbling round our ears. JFi It soon will rise Tn better shape, if we do play our cards With fit astuteness. Now prepare to act As if disgusted with the treachery around. Preach honesty, and practice guile ; declare The motives which have moved you, colored, dressed In happiest guise ; pretend to have no thought Of rich revenge for all the insults heaped Upon our luckless heads ; conceal the truth. When truth would militate against success ; Invent, when pure invention will best serve Our hidden purpose; wear a cheerful look When fears and apprehensions gnaw your souls, As fox did gnaw the t^partan boy ; be wreathed With smiles when bitter counsels move your minds. Beware of spies, of troublous tricksters, keen And mischievous, intent to pump you dry ; Deceive these villains with the airs you ape, And work to bring us back to lustful power. Our triumph once complete, we will devise A scorpion's lash to tingle traitor's backs, And teach false friends the bitter fruits of shame. 66 C. Your counsel 1 will take, and may the star Of triumph soon beam on our shipwrecked car. A. May cunning knaves receive their fit reward, And trusty friends our footsteps ever guard. W. May Heaven smile upon the parts we play, And give success to all the plots we lay. SCENE FOURTH. Characters : — \st Rouge, lion. Mr. Hold-on, Hon. Mr. Ha'penny, and 2nd Rouge. 1st R. Good news ! good news ! Hurra I hurra ! 'tis done. Hon. H. What's done, my man ? now cease your antics,and Explain. 1st R. The Government's resigned ! hurrah. Hon. H. Good news, indeed, if true ; but where the news Did you receive ? beware of cunning tricks. To raise and then depress our fondest hopes. 1st R. It's true undoubtedly, I have received — It is most true — a special notice from Quebec, where all our friends are jubilant. Hon. H. to Hon. Ha' Penny, ivho enters : How now, good friend ! this man pretends that we Have won the game ; he says the Government Has left the field for better men to take The places they have long disgraced. Hon. Ha'p, 'Tis true, I think ; I have obtained the same despatch. Hon. H This is a marvellous triumph for our cause. I thought they'd shown more fight, more stubbornness ; At all events the glorious banner of Reform will shortly wave from sea to sea. Hon. Ha']). Reduce your fond enthusiasm until We know that such will really be the case. I am not, for my part, quite so sure. Hon. H. Your sober Head rules rightly ; yet I'm not inclined To show undue exuberance, and we can, In present circumstances, well afford To wait a little for more news. Ut R. ^^""^ '^'' Already on the streets ; the newB will spread With great rapidity. ^ , ^ • , TT TT Let's drink Hon. U. Success and fortune to our glorious cause. The wine intoxicates, and so good news Does elevate our spirits, wavering on The edge of prudent fears, lest any of Our careful plans should fail ; a bumper to The cause, — With brimming goblets we will sing, While gaily glasses clinking ring ; All hail 1 all hail ! Eeform 1 all hail ! - ^ ^ May long our ship victorious sail ! \&t R. And then the places ; there will be enough Of situations vacant, and that shortly, If our party rules ; is this not so ? I know a score of trusty, faithful Grits Who hunger for this splendid news. I must away. ^ Hon, H. Egad ! That takes the edge From this refreshing piece of long delayed Intelligence ; for this we've toiled and worked These twenty years ; and now a horde has risen Around us, waiting for rewards and places. I have enough of promised friends myself To sweep the Province in Its whole extent. Hon. Ha^p. I mourn a like position, yet there is But one alternative, these fellows must Await the progress of events, and,— and— Their turn. Hon. H. You put the matter neatly ; ana i Can do no better than to follow your Example in this case. 58 Hon. Ha'p. i did not think That you, of all men, stood in need of hints In this regard; procrastinate i has been Your watchword si-^ce I've known you j temporize, Your motto, cunning fox ! 1 ou do affect No more, I fancy, now to take the cue From me. Hon. H. A cautious dog, yourself, I might ■Reply ; but I care not to bandy words Of jest with serious thought beueath, about So small a matter. Hon. Ha'p. Small, you may now deem It, yet I swear if all the ills of office Come upon us, you will groan beneath The weight of burdens undesired, repelled, Or shirk the duty, as you'd like to do, 1*5 o doubt. 2nd R. (rushing in ;) More news ! Hon. H. More news already I we Have had enough for one short hour, I think. Hon. Ha'p. Speak out my man ; be brief and short 2nd R. r T ^ 1 , I ^^ Informed they seek to form another clique, Or cabinet. Hon.H Who? who? explain. Ouimet ? 2nd R. Not he in act, but he they say in fact, De Boucherville is summoned to the task. Ho}i. H. and Hon. Hap. Be Boucherville ! Do Boucher- ville ! 2«'^^- The same. Hon. H What pleasant castles we did shortly build From utter nothingness ; this is a blow. Joly should have been called ; enormity So great as this must never pass without Kebuke. The Constitution— ay, forbids This trifling with her forms. It must not be. 59 Bon. Ha' p. I'll thunder mildly on this point to-morrow Morn. Em. H, Inspire your article with just a spice Of wholesome wrath ; weak sarcasm sometimes fails In its desired effect ; be vigorous, bold, And manly, breathing honest rage and hate, For these, when honest, meet respect, not scorn. Hon. Ha'p. I might retort that you could take a lessoa In this guise ; breathe honest rage and hate On public platforms— these, when honest, meet Respect, not scorn. .7 Hon. H. Play not with edged tools. ,, , /, Hon. Ha'p. Partake the same advice, and wiser be. * sce:ne fifth. Characters :—lst Conservative and 2nd Conservative^ • > 1st C. I fear this Danser-o is not a saint. 2nd G. A perfect scoundrel, to my mind at least. 1st C. It's something to be perfect in a trade. At all events. 2nd C. Perfection has its virtues, I allow ; but perfect knaves I shun, Howe'er I may respect the ripeness of Their perfect knavery. Igf (7_ 'Tis nothing here ! A perfect knave with ample gold is meet To mingle even with princes ; honor's naught, i And money everything. ^ ' • 2ndC. A pretty world, A blessed world, and then these saints dilate With pious fervor on the grand results Of Christian teachings ; truly grand, forsooth ! And straitway cheat and scheme with Christian skilL - These grand results include the grandest knaves That ever cursed the world, although we cast, Our eyes upon the farthest past, when poor, 4 60 'fj^'iii ? Depraved, mind-darkened, base, but honest Pagans Flourished ; yet they cry, amazed and shocked, To see the strides of infidelity Amonir the noblest and the best mankind Does boast. Ist C. This fellow has in any case O'ertiirned the Government, and nearly laid The party prostrate ; still we yet may hope This shameful scandal will be for the best. Happy day will't be, if its result Will cause the spewing out of these vile shams, Who cling like barnacles to storm-tossed ships, And fatten on the spoils of ill-used office For their sole private gain, and in the end. To our great party's shame, — we own them not, And still the ills they do are cast into Our teeth by flaunting, mouthing braggarts, who Unto these knaves have great resemblance. I For one reject these spurious coins that bring j A^Ah! The true, bright gold into discredit, deep 'i ,, < And great — of us unworthy and untrue To all the common principles that precious Honesty and honor do enshrine. 2nd C. We will rebel, throw off their yoke, and tell The world that we and they no common bond Possess. 1st C. Reject them at the polls, and hurl these taunta,- These taunts of bitterness and gall, into The teeth of all our enemies, who them Deserve by far more richly than ourselves. The stalking hypocrites should cringe and hide Their heads in very shame for the misdeeds, Malfeasances of office and the crimes Against all honor and humanity. Of which they have been guilty oft. 2nd C. More oft Than 1 for one would care to count, but they 61 Want honor— ay, and all that honorable Seems. It wore the veriest folly to Suppose that they can feel ashamed, or blush. 1st C. It wore a great calamity, if this Great country fall into their hands ; this must At all events not be. 2nd C. ' A- quick ret^olve, An earnest eifort, boiling anger, rough Denunciation, boldnesH, passion, heat, Enthusiasm, are required to make Such dire misfortune quite impossible. Ut C. All these aids wo must employ, and save Our country and our homes from worse than ruin. 2nd n. Agreed— the country calls, we must respond. 1st C. And may we bear the conqueror's conquering wand. SCENE SIXTH. CijARACTERS -.-Hon. Mr. Hold-on, Hon. Mr. HC penny and Jackdaw. Hon. H. All's lost ! all's lost ! I fear. Eon. Ha'p. ^^^ "*^'^' ^oo^ friend ! Hon H. Do Boucherville has formed a cabinet. Eon Ha'p The deuce he has ; the deuce be in it too. Eon. H. 1 think he is in them all-these villainous- rogues. Eon. Ha'p. Well, we cannot complain upon that score. He sometimes gives us too a gentle lift, Refreshing, salutary, kind and^good ; But who is in this precious cabinet? _ Em. H The old, glum fool,-I think there is no risk In speaking out my mind with you, unless These walls have ears-gets Church for one. Eon. Ha'p. The goose for once is pious ; this act, 1 praise. Eon. H. Eobertson, of course, as treasurer Comes in ; he is a fixture in this clique. II 62 Jl(yii. Ila'p. IIo's careful of the bauheos ; 'tis just as well. lion. II. Malhiot becomes Holicitor-goneral; then There are some others, pure nonentities ; Indeed the cabinet share and share alike in this respect. Hon. ffa'p. Then Irvine's left out in the cold, — 'twas not For this, he late resigned. Hon. H. The move is good For us; inflamed by pique and humbled pride, r He'll seek some chance to vent his spiteful spleen To do the Government harm ; and blunder as He may as far as his own interests lie, He will perform for us some service. Hon. Ha'p. We To this will not object ; one sore head wails ' j-.i'''.. At least. The bubble soon may break, and wo ** c Fall into our inheritance, in danger Thrown by clever schemes and artful wiles. Hon. H. Heavengi'antyour words some shade of pleasant truth ! But see — here comes Jackdaw ; let's hear him wail •• ■ A while. Ho, Jackdaw, have you heard the news ? J. Aye, I have, alack; I thought we'd win ■ ^ The game, but all our moves are checked. I'll die Of very grief, if we cannot revenge our wrongs. Hon. n. Don't .die by all means, the world would miss you so, And let your wrath a moment sleep. 'Tis well To practice patience, when in politics You mix. Why we have waited twenty years, ' \ And 'tis our boast, that we are mild and cool With all our waiting. J. But had you spirit — even as a dog Has spirit — you would long have raged and foamed To stand like ardent school boys at the gate — Which locked, prevents an entrance — eager watching •Other playmates gorged with stolen sweets. 63 I Hon. JFa'p. Your quirky brain distortH your mental sight. You cannot pro])orly appreciate Our Just, judiciouH, clover policy. PolitonoHS wo do ape, but with dohign ; And resignation we protend to fool, ... E'en though wo have it not: a stolon virtue ■ , Oft does siiino with greater brilliancy When falsely worn. We choose a softened stylo That wo may show an independence which We have not got ; but indopondont thought, Or yet its semblance, which the same ert'ect Produces, wields, and not unfroquently, More trenchant power than pasnionale words And bitter accusations, scorching gibes, And unrestrained, biting, sm.irting, satire, , ; Combined with open spite, malicious »corn And deadly hate: these feelings we do own, t But do not show in public, while they ooze '^ With gentle venom, in the words we write ,, With guarded care. This is our mission, — this Our ambition. Had you sense and eyes, This explanation I need not have given. J. A thousand thanks, most honorable sir, for such A ftivor; 1 will not forget your grace, And condescension sweet and kind, as cats Arc kind, whose sharpened claws in velvet paw^s Are hid ; most able penman, just and wise, Brief, true, epitome of stealthy lies, , ■ • . Which meanly sneak, concealed in cautious lines. Halt volume bound in calf; most noble sir, Your course inspires respect, esteem and love. Vile wretches they who speak their thoughts in plain, ^ Terse English, breathing wrath, disdain and hate, In open numbers. All the world can see That though they rage, they rage with honesty, ' , ^ And though they make mistakes at times, and even Worse than these, great blunders fatal to ' , 64 The cause they seek to serve, their honesty- Is clear and plain, Fooi fools, who know not how To hide their real meaning, and contempt For shameleBS foes, how they would humbled be To hoar these words of thine ; they did mistake Their proper line of life ' vhen journalism Thoy chose, for clearly they at least have failed To iearn the manner to conduct a great And influential journal, farming minds, And teaching helpless citizens to view All public matters in a fitting light. Hon. Ha' p. Your lecture ie most sadly out of place. You would be scornful, if \ou knew the way ; You would be bitter, but you overstep The mark ; you would show lofty anger, when A petty spite alone is seen. Your darts Fall harmless from u lion's hide. And now. There but remains one thing for you to do : — Confess that horror for vile tricksters' schemes Has not impelled you in the course you have Assumed; that bitter envy rankled in Your heart, when purely Tor the public weal You seemed to brilliant show a noble zeal ; That v'hat you have dei;Ired, and what yea still Could only wish, is opportunity To revel in the spoils these other rogues Will fatten on. Confess your petty hales, Your petty meanness, all your petty ways, The petty thoughts that bore a petty mind To petty wishes, petty deeds, inclined. J. What scorn, what manner ! Jove ! it is a sig' t The gods should solely witness, and not men; When rogues do speak, let devils only hear. Hon. H. If him a rogue you mean, we too alone Did hear his words, J- A rogue and devil, I Do see. 65 Hon. Ila'p. A bootless puny wrath. You speak A wnolesome truth, howe'er ; a devilish rogue, You Bee when roguish mirror you consult. Hon. H. Come, come ! lest appearance we May make in public print ; and this we could Not tamely bear, in such an angry state. Your ill-timec words, Jackdaw, will not excite My peaceful mind ; I cannot make a scene, And would not, if I could. . . ., , \- J. You have become ,^ .^ A cold, mean fixture, long unused to speak _, , , , Your real mind, or act a manly part. A fig for tricksters and for juggling knaves, . , -. - I would not give a farthing for your race. Hon. Ha' p. Beware, Jackdaw i Your rage confine, lest we Disclo*ie the petty motives that inspire Your patchwork soul. J. Beware, in turn, I 8w; Your metal gives a false, untruthful sound. Reveal of me, your knovrledge? so will I Of you; and let the public mind decide Which shines in blackest colors. You, I swear. Hon. H. You are a pair of fools, a drivelling pair; Keep silent. Did your speech with ruin threaten Yourselves alone, I might rejoice to see You break, with joy, each other's heads ; but you ■ Will ruin all our hopes, if, like a pair Of add?e-headed knaves, 3'ou fall to blows. , , Away ! away 1 this brawl we now will close. SCENE SEVENTH. Characters : — \st Conseroative, and tnd Conservative. \st C. I thought I heard a noise of quarrelling ; Who may the brawlers be ? 2nd C. Ha! there they go; The lights of our opponents, I declare! E 60 c. 1st C. Good new:' ! Good I'jews 1 when knaves fall out then honest i t! ;'i ■ : ; "m' >//' i Men their own may soon obtain. 'f ,. > 2nd C. .'..,,,.,.,.;■. i 'Good news, Indeed, if this the meaniiig l3e ; I hope It may. The dawning ot" another day. More happy, bri In any case, but living, vigorous, bold. i ftwdi'*'. d'i\\\ tf To teach its rancorous foes that it will reign j ( .VV asaW ■: o7 • 7/1 1 \<'l/ l..(,\ ,A. f J!- .) K t !«>/ ,;\ A i {. i With all its olden power and force. Now life" ' ,'n h. ■ It only needs to win supremacy. ': 2nd C. A gladsome day when it doth solely rule Throughout this fair Dominion, as it rolls From sea to sea. 1st C. Our hearts will shout for joy. When we proclaim such glorious victory. 2nd C. Such consummation, we can only hope; Wo Avill not yet despair, or sulkily mope. 1st 0. But courage breathing, ll-ars repelling, cry Such victory we'll win, or nobl}'- die. 2nd C. A foaming bumper let us straightway drink- Our Hopes — and let our glasses gladly clink. . , .7 ,/ 67 SCENE EIGHTH. '" '-■' ' V^ Characters :—Ron. Mr. JSTErvine, Hon. Mr. For-tin-ier^ and Aid. Divide. N. A mournful day ! a mournful day! I'll nuirk It blackly in my calendar. F. How now ! you mourn your fate, and so do I, For similar cause, no doubt. A mournful day ' ' In truth has dawned. ' N. I never thought success ' ' The efforts of this drivelling fool Avould meet, ' ' Or otherwise I might have changed my course. F. And I. ' '' '■ N. And this is our reward for all '*' • '"'H" - Our sacrifice : — A darkened name, a gibe, ' -■ f A taunt, the foolish mirth of silly men, v ».< > < ■ ,. > A mark for scorn. We played for higher stakes, ^'i And for the present have not gained our end. , i / '/ We are rejected, while less able men ., j , i Do fill the places we would fill again. -s F. Behold Divide; he mourns with reason too. y .- j N. Good friend, the game is up, and we are left Without, to meet as best we may, the mirth ... Our strange position may excite. ' , ,» • D' You have •■; <, .'■: ■. / My sympathy. 't\%y - n N. We long may sympathize ■'■ " ■ ' Without one grot our fallen state improving ; ■ ■ ' > Other schemes our presence must engage. -,( - • ; D. Their coming ruin is my hopeful thought. ■ K I would not be, howe'er, too confident. The greater number of the members are ^ " Inclined to be their friends, b it, nevertheless We must not mourn as they who have no hope. The general elections follow : — then, and only Then, we may succeed. Our plans must tend In this direction. Cautious, prudent, bold, XO' 68 liV We yet may overthrow this figure-head, And all the nothings that surround him now. F. But then beware while clever wires you pull, Lest you are overwhelmed when you would trap Your rivals. This a dangerous game may prove. N. I'd rather face a danger, than repose Inglorious : dangers are for manly men ; Inaction, woman suits, and timid boys, Who shiver on the chilling river's brink, Prepared with eager minds refreshing bath To take, yet loth to make the needful plunge. F. Bravado, noble courage often seems, But time will show who of us merits most. N, The challenge, I do willing take ; and time Will show more clearly than you well may wish. D. The future is our hope ; the past is dead. Wo ventured all, and all appear lo lose ; Wo can't withdraw ; we must push on, and see, . If Fortune will once more desert our flag ; It so we're lost. N. And losing may retire From public life ; for sore, I must confess, It is for me to mingle in the ranks Of this, our Opposition; I have fought, » With more of honesty than I do show ; At present, long against their factious claims, And I would not remain to court their side, Unless some honors pay me for the pains I undergo,— the slights, humiliations, I do feel. F. It's truly hard to break Th« ties that long have bound us to our fo:'mer Friends : and I for one cannot continue In the path which I of late have trod. I schemed for place, and this impossible, I'll cease to fight against unerring fate, 69 w And leave the field, I then shall feel I have Disgraced, to better men,— if better bo. -im D. Cheer up, good friends, a cheerless trio we ' ■ " '''■ Would be, 'twere not for me; a ho2:)eless gloom ' ' " Hath settled in appearance on your minds, -^i ". ;i And if you cannot feel exuberant i ' ^ -'— :" ^^^ ; ' v. i ■ I do beseech you 80 appear ; or else, -'^^ ' ; i^-^^^i^ u They'll say you have repented, but too late, ' ' " Of all your treachery. Your minds, unused - ' ■'■ To acts like these, are tender still, I see, — Too tender, let me add, for your own good ; But like my humble self, this squeamishnoss, • • Unworthy of all public men, will pass * ' ' ' * ' Within a trice from off your spirits, which ' ' '-^ " '' ^ Unenthralled, and free to play these clever pranks, ' Whenever may occasion serve, will lighten Of their present grievous load, and straight '^ Resume their former happy state. JV. (haughtily) You speak in riddles, sir ; 'tis thus, unasked^ Unsought, unwished for that yon beard us herf. Y'ou speak of treachery,' and 'clever j^ranks,' Like this, as if a treacherous act did seem To you a thing in which you take a pride. > ^ Permit me and my friend to plainly tell You our appreciation of the tricks, To which, with such surpassing elegance, Y^ou kindly do refer — a traitor is A knave — a knave a scoundrel is at best, — ^ And scoundrels do not meet associate ■ With gentlemen. That such you are you show Most clearly by your speech, and being such, Y'our pardon need we crave, if wo depart, Requesting that you follow not our steps, ' > Or in the future once presume to claim : - M Most casual acquaintanceship. Adieu. '' ' ' *' ■ VK V .:•■::: -f;''^;./ ',^;' H -1- (Exeunt K and F.) D. Ye gods ! and one would think he was what he ' "" 70 Would seem — a gentleman, too good to walk With honest folks — like me, forsooth j a knave, Or ass, he is to act as he has done. Mayhap he is an ass, ai.d nothing else. An ass in truth he muss be, else he never Would have spoken thus to me, who may Be Minister of Public Works before A month rolls by ; the silly ape— he is An ass, the greatest ass I ever met In all my days, and many I have mot. In conscience. Well, thank Heaven, I Am not responsible for this poor fool's Wild vagaries, prudish scruples, silly fears. I will away, and see what I can do To forward schemes I long have entertained. To lose, when I have played so boldly, would Be grievous hard to bear ; it shall not be. Let fools and asses drivel, I will win, If not by other means, — by force of tin. ;f SCENE NINTH. ^ Characters : — Dunser-o, and Centre-miss. Danser-o. I think our cards are trumps. Centre-miss. To Heaven, I pray Por aid ; I trust they are. B. How marvellous glum , / These sly conspirators have L.te become. C. Egad, that is my only satisfaction. /; Methodist parsons could not bo more grave Or sad, when circuit riding, human ills To long perpetuate by psalms and hymns. D. They feel they're over reached, — that is the truth. The simple truth. We are too clever for Such stupid statesmen— for of course they are Great statesmen- each a glorious star. m >V;N.>A. C. The land is safe at all events, I hope. If 80, Ave well may laugh at all their tlu-eats, And drink libations deep, to the defeat , .^ Of all our enemieH. -D. < UMWihl There is n^ fear ; Upon that score : an Enquete must be had, ' '^' ^■^^^^v\^ "W'e know, but what can ever proven be ' ' ' ' To show rascality? I them defy. '' i- .';<•' ' - '■ 'i And lacking proof of this, the title's' shfe^, -^V •*^^'' •'- '^^ As good as gold, the purest metal that .v«js«.. •("»(> Has ever left the common earth. f *" ^ • '"^ '-'^^ ''■^' C. ■' You cheer ' '''"' '7^.'';^; Me greatly. Assured of this, i'd whistle, sing, *' '"' And dance, as happy, or 3'et happier, than a king. ' ' , D. Then sing and dance till you content do feel'. The deeds are safe, if not for public wealj , ' ' ' * .' "' ' Still so for private gain. The public merely ' . Is the milch cow we do constant drain, ' " '"^ To meet our oft necessities and needs. , " • '-c- '^* C. It was a glorious day, when I thee met;^ You are mine own most treasured, dearest friend. Let's sw^ear eternal friendship, by all that's true ! D. Or all that's bad, it makes no difference. Agreed, good fellow, friends eternal we Shall be ; you'll help me in my shifting plan.s, And I will grant you similar aid. ^ , . C. In short, | ; We'll be, in fact, a pair of Siamese twins.; I). What matters what we may be like, but friends t We'll be, as closely joined as other fiends. ' ; ' X C. Precisely, friends or fiends, or fiends or friends,^ — ' All one ; 'tis pleasant that which pleasant ends V/tn1 Mi m .Ai 3,\ . 1 Uh-I ' ■■:\, •JO ■\\>i ^iAO 72 •tfi THE SIAMESE TWINS. Judye Kuur-saal Knd lion. Ily. Storms, (Strictly confidential.) Judge K. I've played a losing game ; it was my point To vault into a scat as minister, But this I've lost, and losing lost all hope. Eon. Mr. S. You temporized too much ; it is a fault Of yours. Judye K. Tu quoque, I may justly say ; And you have lost what you had hoped to win, When, turning like a painted harlequin. In speculation for a 3eat, you forgot Your quondam warmest friends. Hon. Mr. 8. I guilty plead ; I shot at venture, and Have missed the mark ; alas, that misses such As mine can oft bo made — and are. Judge K. Well hope, When bow you draw again, your aim will surer Be. Hon. Mr. S. You hope that the next ministry You'll grace. Be frank as I was frank. Judge K. I will Not say that such will be my lot, but hopes May, or may not, exist. Hon. Mr. S. An answer worthy Of yourself; we are a pair of cautious Dogs. Some call us tricksters, true, but to * ' The charge of trimmers we'll confess ; and why Not trim, when self attains our sole regard, And justly too. Judge K. Why not indeed ? let's take A h'm — McGibbon keeps a goodly stock.' ■?l PART THE FOURTH. IN THREE SOLILOQUIES. Hon. Mr. Hold-on. day, most sad, most dirofully sad, we mourn Thy gloomy advent; darkness overspreads ■ - The sky political, and our crushM hopes, Fond hopes and bright anticipations of Oificial life, are blotted out from view, Poor relics of o'erweening confidence. . . Thy birth I did regard with more reserve Than others may have shown, but still I must • Confess, that it is bitter — damned bitter, To relinquish all, in thought, we long had won. The golden spurs, we did anticipate, No longer gleam with cunning glory on The fur horizon, tempting us to onward • Press, when deeply wearied with the cares Of state, and all the racket we must bear Of such a time, and in a similar case, From anxious friends and apprehensive friends, ' From impecuniou«) friends, and hopeful friends. From hungry friends, from doubting friends, and friends Who eager are to clutch the baubles office Gives to them who rule the country's weal. Grand banquets sink into the misty air Of feeble hopes from which they early sprung ; ' - ' And grand festivities — for when events Like these occur, the smallest matters take ' ' Of grandeur something — follow in their wake. The happy compliments we did foresee •' '• Are turned, us by a demon's wand, into Most bitter gall, and kind felicitations Move not onr saddened hearts from out the ruts, 74 iS ! (■! lii In which they thus have labored for the good And welfare of the Party we have served. Our lately vast aci^uaintanoe in curtailed i With swift rapidity, and on the husks Of faithless Fortune, we, content as may' Be, now must feed, with eyes askant, and awry < ' Tongues unwilling to betray their grief. Unhappy day, when will be chased away ,!.);>? f-nm ,ynh The ills of which we must forsooth complaih, 'lyifM'!,^ vi[ i As nothing else is left for us to do. ,' ; r^AT I had a friend but yesterday : he hoped d |>■ Me not — the first occasion many days ' ' ' mm' l:'!i>l<'V (j. Has shown. Of course, I did not weep at this^ Poor trick of erring, frai' humanity. ' • •> ■ i • I < / I rat' should have Fortune blessed, and thanked n'i fi/!i' My g., ling star, for this escape from woes '■> i ;;!/.' ^k "..;'» Unutterable, unknown; but yet we feel , Jm lni ,f>.?K?. 'i > These petty slights from petty men at times; > !» i i' ..m.-, 'lO When all the world neglects nobility. i <-M'A/ t\K M'.i'I Its ])attern may be fain excused, if soured ■■;( And moved to angry bile by meanness such •(■iynvt' i As this • — I caimot say the maxim nay. "* ' " -i' -t . Unhappy day — thy birth should ne'r have been, ;1 <- ( Or being, should in truth have ne'er been seen; i;;! I Miscarriage will the simple verdict be, — r, .- , ^.-il - M Unhealthy scion of unhealthy tree; hm , Conceived in prosperous, ardent, blissful hopes, r, • u! !il' l|f< -I'l . .;■!;• n't 'l(> • In/. I}. 'I I . /!(>!?( = t>'l;''I< • 'nuid'). V«(,iJ' It dies 'mid rhetoric and stupid tropes j Unknown to fame, to reputation lost. Ere tried again, we'll careful count the cost. ,<« ,bM.n(!! int, HiUti'J^U'^Hi'ji'l hiibi l'i'i« ,tii';:. '('!;' li-' t-...i!f 75 / ! l#f»7^->.«j ) f,i ■■£ -'t- M if'Ti ti /, /' ' ■ Hon. Mr. Wee-met^'''" '^;:'yfr - (U'la The rueful, unsoufj^bt task luis now been done, And I am loft quite fi-iondless — all alone; AVo have resiguod, — but rfBignation lost. The Hpirit wuits them well who live at eabo But resignation with adversity, Is truly quite another pair of sleeves. We mourn our salaries, official state, And all etceteras that appertain To our late offices — alas, the word '; ' Does choke my simple heart with nameless grief. 'Twas well to walk in sweet humility, And smiling greet a host of ardent friends^ ', " But walking, lacking that late dignity, , '* "'"' The which methinks did sit me passing well, Is quite the opposite extreme. The sweets / ' That T with royal race and liberal hand Did scatter, as I passed among the throng That, keen inspired with hungry, urgent needs'. Did congregate about my humble door, Are gone ; one consolation yet is left, And it, too faint I fear, to suit my tastes, I may return to grace the seat I've lost — And teach the treacherous /nemfe, who have betrayed My cause the heavy weight of righteous wrath. 'Tis done in any case ; and other men Our places take to guide the bark of state. How well they may fulfil their onerous task, Swift time and history will plainly show. And though the mournful bells have scarcely ceased Tolling our doom, so sad, so passing sad, — The joyful l>ells, like tricky mistresses, With loud acclaim do greet the.se corner^, neW In part to such a life of toilsome cai -. Woe's me ! the busy tongues of scandal AVag in gleeful haste, rejoiced to munch ' The wicked rumors, envious minds inspire, ■ / i I '• -I T6 Which now are sweepinf; through the country wide, Defuming all we havo been holding dear, Int^ulting all our fitful, treasured hopes, Revealing to a Hmall, but scornful world, The petty tattle which such houU engro.sH. At all events it is a comfort now To think that nature did not fit me for The life, these years I've led ; if I had been Like other men, that I could easily name, I would not oc(-upy my present state, But long have made provision for a crisis Such as now has wet me, chilled and cold. My friends I would have chosen to fill the posts That time did render vacant, and my sons — My relatives — in short my family, Which shines in point of numbers, if not brains^ I would have placed in office, glad to raise , A host of friends to take warm sympathy In all my changing fortunes; in this regard, , , • 1 failed to do the duty which my place ..,, Imposed ; contrast my patriotic course, ;, . Unselfish views, my generous heart, my kind And noble disposition, gentle manners, Soothing air, surpassing weakness, mild And graceful condescension, with the walk Of other men, — alas I these virtues must Have been my bane, — my ruin thus is caused. The thankful poor will weep when I am gone, And drop a silent tear upon my grave ; The masses of the people long will mourn The sudden close of my short-lived reign. And tell their sons the manner of the man. When winter evenings come in regular course, And softly-moving twilight early falls. Alack ! that such a pass I've reached ; My fitful bark dismasted now is beached. In glorious ends my brief eventful reign, — When shall they look upon my like again ? •\ . i 77 ^v »l Hon. Mr. Church. T ■ The whirlgig of time rolKs round, And with it brings most strange reversions. Here I stand, a Minister, in room of one, Who doubtless recent thought himself secure Of many years of ottice yet to come. Tiie contrast is most marked, and clearly proves The vanity of human expectations, Springing forth from mother earth, like mushrooms, Seen for a brief space, and known no more; Like lusty creepers round a healthful tree, , » Which, sudden blasted by the lightning's crash, Do shrink and wither prematurely at The touch. Wise fools, come teach the foolish wise The poverty of hope, the uselessness Of confidence in things of earthly state, ■ And origin; impress the wholesome truth , That danger greatest lies when it does seem Most distant, and that when we are most sure Of reaching to the object which we seek, Wo needs should apprehend a galling check. I fill this place to-day; who follows next? But toss the rattling dice, and read the tale. Depend on nothing human, for, like sand That careless shifts upon the changing beach, Strewn on the strand by the resistless sea, ■ Humanity does waver, changing oft. As oft returning to its former love. The cabinet is formed, but breakers rage Beneath our good ship's bows, and shipwreck may At any moment overtake our crew Of unskilled mariners, too apt to §rr. Deceived through sailing on an unknown sea. . . The craft, though old, and leaking at some points. Is firm and staunch, and properly manned, will stem The wildest hurricane th' opposing gods ft 78 May send to test its excellence in every Part. We know its worth, and knowing will- Maintain, as best we can, its proud career, ' ** -' •'- ' As flaunting thrrmgh the darkling, surging waves, It speeds its onward path, undaunted, true -' '- • To every principle its ancient timbers ' •'''''' •' Own. Our bark has bufieted throng' many a sea.' '^ And oft has won the victor's glorious crown. ' Thus Ion li' may she continue reaping fruits, '*' v' Commensurate to the good seed she has • ''• ^" Throughout the grand old past diftused, and, faithful To the task she has assumed, may she ^ '■■•■•■ ,'^'y<'J v Extend the benefits of honest rule, y- ^ --■'*« 'j 'i.' \i.r, Where gi-eets her flag the flippant, morning breeze. * We proudly own the banner that unfolds ■ In graceful masses at our mast head, and • " '' ^''''' Serenely waves with royal dignity, * ■ j' AV'hile boisterous dolphins cleave the billows, green And angry, surging vainly, furiously, '>'■'':*'• Around her trim and gallant prow, regardless " ' Of the puny, spiteful wrath its foes - • • . Exhibit, swollen with useless, envious rage. Sail on, ])roud, conquering bark, upon this course, ' And honestly p'^rform thy mi;>8ion's work. Unbending when a noble foe is met, — ' ' All soorniul, haughty, when a traitor deals ' '^" '^ A Judas' blow at what did seem a vital ' ' ' " ''' Part; regardless of the knavish tricks, "''''-' ' '.■ T^^hich many deem true statesmanship. ' ' ' S^ail on ! fresh fields to conquer; other conquests Make, and prove, that th}^ virility Does merit all respect and honor due ' J ^ ' 'n To vigorous age, and hoary, honest v;^orth. Let this reveal the task before us set ! ' Let this betoken how we view the state, To our appreciation now bequeathed I jf Ic U 79 I An honest trial granted, we will show, ^ While tempests rage, and storms do blow, If we possess the honor, judgment, tact, And truth required to make success a fact. J /