THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE TOGETHER WITH MR. MOSSBACK'S VIEWS ON CERTAIN PRACTICAL SUBJECTS, WITH A SHORT ACCOUNT OF HIS VISIT TO UTOPIA BY FRANCIS E. CLARK Author of " Younc. Peoi-le's Prayer Meetings," " Danger Signals," "The Children and the Church," "Our Business Boys," etc. BOSTON D LOTHROP COMPANY WASHINGTON STREET OPI'OSITE BROMKIELD 3^ Copyright, 1889 BY D. LoTHROP Company. AN INTRODUCTORY NOTE. T T TV. can assure our readers that Mr. Mossback ^ ^ began this series of letters for the Golden Rule, with no idea that they would be collected into a book. They were received, however, with unexpect- ed favor ; they were widely quoted, and the author was urged by correspondents and personal friends to bring them together, where they could easily be referred to, without turning the cumbersome pages of a newspaper file. Mr. Mossback, being an aged and garrulous old man, can say some things which neither a pastor nor an editor, perhaps, would say ; for no one can really get angry with a harmless old clerg^mian. At least, it would seem that no one ought to get angry with him ; and yet, the letters of indignant remonstrance which the editor of the Golden Rule has received after pub- lishing some of these letters, from persons of whom iii IV INTRODUCTORY. Mr. Mossback had never heard, show that the gar- ments of his manufacture were somewhat close-fitting. If our readers will take notice, however, we think they will find that our aged friend is never malicious in his letters, that there is a twinkle in his eye all the time, and an earnest purpose in his heart to do some good, to correct some venerable blunders, and to commend some unrecognized saints. Boston, Mass., March, 1889. CONTENTS. An Open Letter to Dr. Critical P>om Mr. Mossback to his Brother . To the Sexton .... To the Organist .... To the Church Architect To the Young People of his Church Another Letter to the Young I'eople To the Pert " Saleslady " To Grandfather Methuselah To Rev. E. Respectable . To 'J'he Right Rev. Father Necktie To Sister Grumble To Brother Readyvvit To Miss Pertie Pickles . To Miss Rapid .... To Master Forward To Brother Hard-up To the Man Who " Speaks to Edification To the Man Who Shows the Top of His Bald Head to the Minister To the Teacher Who is Habitually Absent From His Class .... To the Young Man at the Church Door To Mr. Younghusband . To Mrs. Younghusband . PACE. 5 7 9 12 i6 i8 20 22 24 26 28 30 Z^ 34 36 38 41 42 45 46 48 51 CONTENTS. PAdK. To lirothcr Lon^^wind r2 To the Members of His Young People's Society 54 To Deacon Gooclenough e6 To Young Authors ^^^ To Young Authors (concerning Available Manu- script) (J2 To Young Authors (concerning Unavailable Man- uscript) 64 To the Man With a Watch .... 66 To Rev. J. Lamentation 58 To Sister Patter ^i To the Man Who Comes Late to Church . 73 To the Congregation (concerning the Man Who Comes Late to Church) . . . . y^ To the Church that does not Pay its Minister's Salary Promptly 76 To Brother Driver -8 To Mrs. Shepherdess go To the Man Who J^eeps a Diary ... 83 To the Man Who Gets Angry with the Editor . 85 To the Young Folks of the First Church of Cran- berryville gj To Sister Dorcas 01 To the Man Who does not Intend to Pay for His Newspaper ^3 To Miss Grace Kindheart . . . , g^ To Mrs. Attentive 06 To the Young Man Who is About to Get Engaged 99 To the Young Lady Who Will Soon Be Asked in Marriage loi To Rev. O. F. Fish ,03 CONTENTS. To Brother Tightfist To the Chiircii Committee in Search of a Pastor To the Minister Who is Looking for a Parish . PACE. 1 06 108 1 1 1 Mr. Mossback's Views on Practical Subjects. The Book Agent Wings J}ut no Legs . The Buzz-Saw of Experience Bandaging the Wrong Leg Make the Best of Him . Learning to Howl . Watch the Brakes, Hold Tight Reins The Sigher and Groaner . Stuffing a Dead Hornet . The Evolution of the Teakettle The Sense of Humor The Pompous Man . Mean Streaks . If Another Kind of If . That Embarrassing Question " What's the Good Word ? " Keeping the Windows Clean True Politeness The Anxiety Department Make Your Wife Your Bar-Keeper In Favor of Ruts Monstrosities of Grace Manhood to the Square Inch Slamming the Door . , Start Slow 117 119 121 123 125 126 128 130 132 ^33 135 137 138 140 141 143 144 145 147 149 150 151 153 154 156 CONTENTS. So Like Themselves Oag hy Well-Doing The (Jift of Discontinuance Concerning Overcoats PoMteness as a National Trait His Forty-Second Jiirthday Fit To he Married . Mr. Mossiuck's Visit to Utopia. A Social Party in Utopia . Election Day in Utopia . Sunday Morning in Utopia At Church in Utopia I'AC.R. 160 163 166 168 170 177 180 18.^ Supplement An Open Letter From the Sexton . An Open Letter F>om the Organist . An Open Letter From Mr. Ammi Sleeper 189 192 193 THE MOSSBflCK CORRESPONDENCE. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO DR. CRITICAL. Reverend and Esteemed Sir : Allow me to send you a word of congratulation in regard to your late truly admirable work. Your argument concerning the dative case of the ob- scure Greek particle over which you have been burning so much midnight oil, is both convincing and masterly. You can henceforth write after your name, not simply the commonplace semi- lunars, D. D., but the longer title, F. R. D. D. S., for have you not, on the strength of the above work, been elected a Fellow of the Royal Dry as Dust Society ? But with all these blushing honors thick upon you, I have a word to say, though I am only plain old Mr. Mossback, without even a D. D. Do 5 6 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. leave a little of your critical scholarship at home, aiy dear brother, when you put on your Sunday coat and go into your pulpit. You will doubtless need all your scholarship, I am not asking you to leave that at home, but simply the undue mani- festation of the critical spirit, which shone forth so admirably in the afore-mentioned work on the Greek particle. What is the use of telling your audience that you have grave doubt about the genuineness of this passage, or that the trans- lators evidently got that wrong, or that the other reading is plainly an interpolation, until every common man and woman in your audience comes to think thai he must know as much about the dative case as you do in order to understand his Bible } Why continually criticise the hymns that people love to sing, as though they were only good for Salvation Army barracks ? Above all, why carry the critical spirit into the prayer-meeting ? Do, dear brother, leave it outside the prayer-meet- ing door, wherever else you carry it. Even if some good old saint does give a wrong exegesis of a passage, or if little Johnny Young does stumble in his first testimony, or Sister Enthusiasm does not control her feelings just as you would, why THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 7 criticise them ? Do confine these well-clevelopcd critical powers of yours to the dative case of the Greek, particle, and you will earn the gratitude of many besides Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO HIS BROTHER. Dear Brother : You are a man after my own heart, as you well know. You are my alter ego. If you are David, I am Jonathan. I have heard of twins named John Thomas and Thomas John. Now it is hard to tell whether you are Thomas John and I John Thomas, or vice versa, so exactly do we think alike on all subjects, and so unalterably are we both opposed to all new-fangled notions. And yet, do you know, I have been a little fearful of late that we might both be on the wrong track, side-tracked as it were, while the world is going 8 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. by at the rate of forty miles an hour. It is a very unpleasant possibility to face, and I would not con- fess it to anyone but yourself, but I cannot escape the suggestion. I remember going to bed one night in a sleeping-car, and dreaming all night that I was constantly putting on the brakes ; and yet, when I woke up the next morning, supposing I was four hundred miles nearer Chicago, I found that we were at the same old station, on a siding. Is it possible that you and I have been on a siding all our lives ; and even when we thought we were putting on the brakes, and considered ourselves so necessary to keep the train from going to destruc- tion, was it a mere dream and fancy, while in real- ity the train has gone on and left us without our knowing it ? You know Father Mossback was opposed to abolition, and also to the temperance agitation, and Grandfather Mossback was bitterly opposed to Sunday schools when they were first started, and, as to foreign missions, he used to say over and over again that " if the Lord was going to convert the heathen He could do it without our aid," and that he wouldn't "waste his money on any such foolishness." And yet, foreign missions are established and dot the world with their sta- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 9 tions, and Sunday schools are found in every church, and slavery is dead, and every respectable man is on the side of temperance. The train moved on, and Grandfather and Father Mossback were left on the siding. Is it possible, Brother Mossback, that you and I are also "left" ? It is a fearful possibility. As for me, I shall investi- gate this matter, and, if my surmises are correct, I shall take the first train for the front. As brakemen, I do not think we are conspicuously successful. Let us give up this occupation, and hereafter help to regulate and lead, rather than to hinder. Your brother, A. Mossback. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE SEXTON. Dear Sir : There is no one whom I respect and esteem more highly than yourself. I appreciate the truth lO THE MOSSIiACK CORRESPONDENCE. of the sentiment uttered by one of your number, that " Me and the minister run this church." I do not even think that the position of the personal pronoun above is too emphatic. My own experi- ence with men of your profession has been singu- larly happy. I know, too, how many are your tribulations and exasperations, from t.ie small boy who dares you to put him out of the church, while he is cutting up all manner of shines ; from the giggling and simpering girl on the back seat, who is making herself a nuisance to all about her ; from the old lady wrapped up in her seal-skin, who "must have the window open," and from the old gentleman with the bald head who "must have the window shut," at the same time. On all these sources of vexation I am sure you could enlarge with pathetic eloquence. Yet while recognizing your many merits and the many difficulties of your calling, do let me whisper in your ear, " Give us more air." It is so hard for us to realize that air is any- thing, that I don't wonder that you sometimes forget it ; but after all it is something. Oxygen and nitrogen, when combined, do produce some- thing real, and an article that is quite indispensa- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. I I blc to every audience. We can get along with poor preaching better than with poor air ; in fact, when we have the latter we are usually afflicted with the former. We will forgive you for almost everything, if you will give us good air. You need not sweep the carpets more than once in two weeks ; you may take by the ear the small boy of the wealthiest deacon in the church, and put him out of meeting, if he is making a disturbance, and we will uphold you in the act ; in fact, there is nothing we will not forgive, if you will only give us air. I had intended, when I began this letter to you, to ask you to leave your squeaky boots at home ; not to open the windows or wander around the church, to any great extent, during the most impressive part of the sermon, etc. ; but I would not be unreasonable, and we will simply gasp for "more air." Why should not a school for sextons be estab- lished, a sort of annex to our theological semi- naries, in which the constituents of air shall be explained, and the vital necessity be taught of having more of it in all our churches ? 12 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENXE. One of the first to subscribe to such a founda- tion will be Yours truly, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE ORGANIST. Dear Sir or Madam: It is with much timidity that I take up my pen to address you, for I know with what scorn I shall be put down, when you have read this letter, among the ignorant rabble who have no music in their souls ; and it is not for me to say that I do not deserve your contempt. Still, at the risk of incurring your displeasure I beg you to discon- tinue yoar long, "impertinent" interludes. The second adjective is not original, it is Joseph Par- ker's, I believe ; but I think the two ought to go together, for an interlude is not apt to be imper- tinent unless it ib long. Please, also, curtail that fifteen minutes' "voluntary." It is, no doubt, the most artistic kind of music that you give us, but THE MOSSDACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 3 wc all came to church to do something else than listen to artistic instrumental music. When we want some of it we will hire you to give an organ concert, and pay fifty cents a ticket. But, if you must play for fifteen minutes, have mercy on our nerves, and do not make the organ bellow and thunder so uproariously and suddenly. If you have no mercy on yourself or the organ or the blow-boy, remember the nerves of your audience. Please, too, be kind enough to spare us the latest operatic air. Some of us, to be sure, have con- scientious scruples about the opera, z d perhaps you thought you were doing us a kindness by bringing the latest thing to church; but let us assure you that, despite our scruples, we prefer to hear these airs in the opera-house even, rather than in the church. And, once more, when we come out of church, with the sweet and quiet influence of the service of God's house upon our souls, do not so deafen our cars and so exasperate our spirits that we shall forget even the text be- fore we leave the church door. Play something quiet and simple and devotional, and you will have the lasting gratitude of Yours truly, A. MOSSBACK. 14 THE MOSSDACK CORRESPONDENCE. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE CHURCH ARCHITECT. Dear Sir : If I have hesitated, as I assure you I have, to send one of these open letters to such function- aries as the church organist and the sexton, you can imagine how much more I would shrink from addressing such a dignitary as yourself. I can hear you say, " Let Mr. Mossback keep in his own place ; he has an affinity, perhaps, for old ruins, as his name indicates, but he knows nothing about the high art of modern architecture." I acknowl- edge that your strictures are just. I am com- pletely floored when you come to talk of fascias and corbelling mouldings, of rosaces, trefoils, qua- trefoils, etc. Nevertheless, I have some things to say even to you. Horace Bushnell once wrote an open letter to the Pope of Rome, you know ; why should not I, then, write to you } And first, let me implore you, when you build your next church to remember that in such a building people frequently wish to /lear what is said. To speak of the auditorium is often a ghastly sarcasm. It is not only a pertinent in- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 5 quiry, " How shall they hear without a preacher ? " but " How shall they hear in some churches even if they have a preacher ? " A cathedral with massive pillars behind which the whole Sunday school may play hide-and-go- seek, with vaulted roof and darkened windows, through which only a dim, religious light can struggle, is all right for our Catholic neighbors. It makes very little difference whether they hear or not, especially as it is often all Latin, not to say "all Greek," to them. But we of the Prot- estant faith wish to hear. If you persist in disre- garding our ears we shall be obliged to protest once more. Again, I would not be unreasonable in my demands, but I would mildly suggest that we wish not only to hear but to breathe. You have us very much at your mercy, I acknowledge, but whatever you do, do not suffocate us with bad air. After we have once breathed our share of the air, in the church, we have no further use for it, nor do we care to take this commodity at second hand from some one else. Do provide some escape for this old air and some way of ingress for that which is new and fresh ! There is plenty of it outside ; we shall rob no one else if l6 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. you will let a little into the church. Our cry to you, as to the sexton, is, " Give us air ! " If you will bear in mind that all the people who enter your new church have both ears and lungs, you will earn the lasting gratitude of many besides Yours truly, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO THE YOUNG PEOPLE OF HIS CHURCH. Dear Young Friends : I find that the possibilities of the "don't" lit- erature are not yet exhausted. A little while ago, I noticed that a clergyman, in a grave charge to a reverend pastor, gave wise and weighty counsel in a cluster of " don'ts," so let me fall in with the fashion of the day and say to you : Don't mistake flattery for genuine and deserved praise. Don't, however, despise the good opinion of wise men. THE MOSSDACK CORRKSPONDENCK. 1 7 Don't underestimate yourselves. Don't, on the other hand, overestimate your- selves or think that the world can't get along without you. It existed, remember, some time before you came into it. Don't, in other words, mistake the pedestal for the statue. If you are raised pretty well up in the world ask yourselves whether it is your own worth or your father's wealth or the position you happen, by accident, to fill, that makes you promi- nent. Don't make a cloak of your modesty and diffi- dence to keep you from doing a duty ; such a cloak is apt to prove the shroud of many a good deed. Don't be forth-putting and obstreperous. Don't be too familiar with those who are older and wiser than yourselves ; such familiarity is the kind that breeds contempt (for yourselves). The advances should come from the older person. Don't praise yourselves. The world will soon find out your good points if you don't brag of them. The surest way to prevent their being seen is to call attention to them. Don't forget the little proprieties of life in the l8 Tin-: MIJSSIIACK COKKI:SI'ONI)l^NCI•. Station whicli you occupy and in your relations to oil. Ts. To forj^ct them is to render yourselves disagreeable. To remember them is to make yourselves respected, beloved and sought after. Yours truly, A. MOSSDACK. ANOTHER LETTER FROM MR. MOSS- BACK TO THE YOUNG PEOPLE OF HIS CHURCH. My Dear Young Friends : I sent you, recently, with my best wishes, some "don'ts." Let me this week send you some "dos." This, I think, is the more profitable letter of the two, for one "do" is worth ten "don'ts." Do be natural. Even an ass looks a deal better in his own skin than when he dons the lion's hide. Do be modest. The most absurd bird on earth is the turkey-cock. He never succeeded in im- posing on any one but a very small child, and THE MOSSnACK COKRKSPONnENCE. IQ even the child soon finds out that he is not so formidable as he hjoks. Do be sensible. Whenever I ^^o to Central Park, I look into the monkey-house, but I should dislike to live in the monkey's cage, queer as are the antics of the occupants, and I should very much dislike to see any of my youn<; friends liv- ing with them behind the bars. Do be cordial in your manner. A cold-blooded fish is very well in the sea, or in the refrigerator, but I should never think of shaking hands with it. Do be cheerful in your demeanor. A pelican in the wilderness was an excellent simile for the Psalmist when he was miserable and distressed, but he did not often resemble the pelican, and it is unfortunate to put this bird upon one's family coat-of-arms. Do be " kindly affectioned one to another." I think the English sparrow is so universally detes- ted, in large part, on account of its quarrelsome disposition. It is easy for the young people in any family to resemble a brood of English spar- rows, but it is not a disposition to be desired, and I would not cultivate it. Your friend, A. Moss BACK. 20 THE MOSSIiACK CORRESPONDENCE. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TP THE PERT "SALESLADY." My Dear Young Friend : I know that you are very smart and attractive, or, at least, I know that there are two people who think so, namely, yourself and that young man with the downy moustache who took you to the concert last night ; but, really, I would not pre- sume too much on these alleged attractions, for bangs and red cheeks are not so uncommon or of such excessive worth as to make up for a lack of grace and gentleness and all other womanly charms. You are not serving your employers when you take especial pains to make yourself attractive to the afore-mentioned young man, but only when you make yourself useful to the cus- tomer. Now when I went into the store where you serve, the other day, to buy a pair of gloves, I was not the more inclined to buy when you threw down half-a-dozen pairs without helping me select the ones I wanted, while all the time you kept chattering to the girl at the next counter concern- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 21 ing the concert, and the afore-mentioned young man. Then, when I ventured to ask if those gloves would wear well, you did not reassure me in regard to their quality by telling me in freez- ing tones that "you sold no poor gloves." I know that I am rather a shabby old man, and do not look as though I had a great deal of money to invest, and I am quite well aware that my moustache is not as silky or my coat as stylish as are those of the young man of whom I have spoken, but then, I have some claims to your kindly offices as well as he. I almost hesitate to tell you, you seem so obliv- ious to the fact, but, really, you do not own the whole store, or even that pair of gloves that I wanted to buy. You are simply there to sell goods, and not to gabble with your neighbors, or to treat with lofty scorn the threadbare customer. You will pardon an old gentleman for remind- ing you of this fact, I am sure, which, if remem- bered, will make you far more agreeable and attractive, at least, to Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. 22 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. AN OPEN LETTER TO GRANDFATHER METHUSELAH. Dear Grandfather : You and I have much in common. We are fond of the good old ways. We are opposed to innovations, and it often seems to us that the world is going to rack and ruin. But I have be- gun to think of late, as I intimated the other day in a letter to my brother, that perhaps, after all, the trouble may be partly in us. I have noticed that a deaf person often thinks that the preacher mumbles his words, and does "wish people would speak more distinctly" ; while a person whose eye- sight is growing dim, through increasing years, is sure to wish that these editors would n't print their paper in such miserably small type. My apprehension that the change for the worse may be in us, and not in the hurrying world around us, is increased by the fact that your Grandfather Jared and his father, Mahalaleel, were just as firmly convinced that they had fallen upon degenerate days, and that the "good old days" were back in the time of Enos and Seth THE MOSSBACK CORRESPOXDEXCE. 2$ and Adam. What Father Adam thought on this question, I am not sure, but I am confident that he must have been disgusted with the pranks of Cain and Abel, and wondered what was the use of boys, since he never was one himself. These unanimous views of our ancestors have set me to thinking, and I have almost come to the conclu- sion that there never were any "good old times." They are all like the Jack-o'-lantern ; when you follow them up, you can never find them. "Merrie England was a far more melancholy place for the common people than modern Eng- land. And "good Queen Bess" was not half as worthy of the title as good Queen Victoria, and the "Grand Monarque" was a most paltry and contemptible fellow, on the whole. I have about made up my mind to live in the present, instead of the past ; to do what little I can to make the passing days better, instead of groaning over the departure of the "good old times." Won't you move into the nineteenth century, and take hold with me ? Yours cordially, A. MoSSBACK. 24 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO REV. E. RESPECTABLE. Dear Brother : It is said that the greatest vices are only the greatest virtues perverted, and I suppose it is also true that the little failings which injure your use- fulness and mine are often but the perversion of some otherwise admirable trait of character. Since I am old Mr. Mossback, undoubtedly your senior by many years, let me urge you to make less of a virtue of your eminent respect- ability. It is a very good thing to be proper and minis- terial, yes, to be eminently respectable, if we only have something else to accompany our respect- ability. But to let that take the place of fervor and earnestness and devotion and spirituality, is like putting a black coat and white choker up in the pulpit, and expecting them to do the preach- ing. Eminent respectability like faith, being alone, is dead. Eminent respectability never saved a soul. Eminent respectability never lifted a drunkard out THE MOSSliACK CORRESPONDENCE. 2$ of the gutter. It has often passed by on the other side, but it seldom gets off of its own beast and puts the wounded wayfarer in its place. Eminent respectability cannot reach the heart of a little child, cannot quiet the fluttering pulse of the dying sinner, cannot bring the Magdalene up to its own serene level. It is all very admira- ble when mixed in due and just proportions with earnest love to Christ, and unflagging devotion to the souls for which Christ died, but it is a very poor and barren substitute for either. A marble image, spotless and flawless, is very good in an art gallery, but it would be uncomfortable to have such an image for one's constant companion. I am not very good at quoting poetry, and Ten- nyson's flowery verses do not fit my homely, old- fashioned I'^tters very well, but it seems to me he says something in disparagement of being "Faultily faultless, icily regular, splendidly null." Please look up that sentiment and make appli- cation of it, will you not ? Your friend and brother, A. MOSSBACK. 26 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. AN OPEN LETTP:R TO THE RIGHT REV. FATHER NECKTIE. Dear Brother : I think you are related by marriage, are you not, to Rev. Eminently Respectable, to whom I wrote recently? I would not imply by the title prefixed to your name that you necessarily belong to the liturgical orders or that you always wear a gown and bands. You sometimes belong to the non-liturgical orders. You are not nearly so numerous as you used to be, for there are few of our profession in these days that are known only by their clothes. In fact, I think sometimes, in my old fogy way, that the pendulum has swung too far to the other extreme, and that some of our younger clergymen have shown undue anxiety not to be known by their "cloth," but occasionally we see one of your kind in these days. I saw him get into the horse-cars the other day. I should have known that he was a preacher of some denomination at least two blocks away, or as far as he could be seen with the naked eye. He stepped daintily, so as not to soil his exquisite THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 2/ boots. He flirted his immaculate coat-tails in a peculiar professional manner, and spread them out so as to take up two seats in the horse-car in- stead of one, and I could see the conductor and driver tip each other the wink when the car came to a stand-still to receive him, as though he was a familiar and amusing passenger on their route. I am not very good at the dead languages in these days, and I forget the Latin for "necktie," or whether indeed the old Romans used such an article of personal decoration, but a motto which would not be inappropriate to your family coat-of- arms would be : Necktie et prceterca Nihil. Any such haberdashery is very poor stock in trade for a minister, if he hasn't a good deal to go with it. The more necktie a man displays, the more brains and heart he ought to have to support it. A very brainy and very earnest man can support a good deal of finery, but ordinary men, like you and me, should make their peculiarly ministerial garb inconspicuous and modest. I forget who it was who remarked that the only difference in these days between a priest and a layman was that the former buttoned his standing collar behind and the latter in front. Let that, dear brother, not be 28 THE M0SSI3ACK CORRESPONDENCE. the only distinction by which wc shall be known to this observant world. Your friend, A. MOSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO SISTER GRUMBLE. Dear Sister : Did you ever think what a useless body you are in the world? One of the strongest arguments against the doctrine of evolution and the survival of the fittest is that you survive end that there are so many like you. The only way in which I can understand your existence is on the ground that some useless appendages and functions are found in certain of the lower animals. They are not needed now, and they are entirely useless, but in some past age, in the struggle for existence, these functions were of some now forgotten value, and, though they are on the way to extinction, they have not wholly disappeared. So it is with you, I suppose. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 29 Let me ask you candidly, Have you ever made any one the better or happier by your grumbling and fault-finding? Does the minister preach bet- ter sermons, or has he called oftener upon you, since you gave him *• a piece of your mind"? You know when he called the last time your first words were, " Why, what a stranger you are ; I thought you never were coming to see mc again." And when he mildly replied that he made as many pastoral calls as he could, you reminded him that he had called on rich Deacon X. since he had called on you. Then you told him that your daughter didn't like her Sunday school teacher, and that your grown up son didn't have any attention paid him by the young men of the church, and that nobody noticed you when you went to church, and that you thought Deacon Z. was no better than he ought to be, and that the wife of the superin- tendent dressed too expensively for a woman in her station. Do you really think that either you or your pastor were benefited by that call ? Yes, I think you may have been a means of grace to him, just as a severe affliction, or a broken leg, or an attack 30 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. of toothache might be, if he bore it patiently; but I would not covet this means of blessing your pastor and other friends, if I were you. Why not change your name and nature, Sister Grum- ble? Yours truly, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO BROTHER READYWIT. Dear Brother : I don't suppose there is so much credit due to you for doing the correct thing as some people suppose, since you seem to have been born with the knack, but it is none the less pleasant to have you about. Some of us poor blunderers are so often doing the wrong thing at the right time, or the right thing at the wrong time, that it is delightful to have one man in our church who always seems to be able to do the right thing at the right time. I remember how skilful you are in keeping the THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 3 1 business of the church in the right channel, and how, like an Indian guide in his canoe, by dipping in a paddle here and a paddle there, without seem- ing to do very much, you really steer between Scylla and Charybdis. When the organ was moved from the back to the front of the church, and when the old sexton was put out, and when the new ventilator was put in, it was your judi- cious and thoughtful words that reconciled every- body to these momentous changes, and prevented a church quarrel. I remember, also, when poor, stumbling John Jones said just the thing he never meant to say, in the prayer-meeting, and set the boys to snickering, how you got up and com- mended the beautiful thought which he had in his mind, but could not express, while you brought it out so that all could see its beauty. I call to mind how, after the meeting, you always take special pains to shake hands with Mary Johnson, and say a kind word to her when she has com- pletely lost her courage and her memory and her voice, in trying to repeat the first verse of the 23d Psalm. I shall not soon forget, either, the evening when a crank came into our meeting, and tried to prove that the earth was hollow and 32 THE MOSSnACK CORRESPONDENCE. inhabited on the inside, how you started " Nearer, My God, to Thee," and at once brought the meet- ing back to its proper tone. These are little things, perhaps, but they are as well worth recording to your credit as if you had conquered armies, and captured cities. What is better, I believe, too, that they arc all recorded in heaven. Your friend, A. MOSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO MISS PERTIE PICKLES. Dear Miss Pickles : You will excuse an old gentleman like Mr. Mossback, who is old enough to be your great- grandfather, if he gives you a few grandfatherly words of advice. Did you ever imagine how much of a mistake you make in being slightly too acidulous ? Not that I would have you sweetly insipid, characterless and flat, but there is a happy mean between molasses and vinegar, which most TiiK MossiJAcK C( h<ki:sih)M)i:nci:. i^ people prefer as a steady diet, to either extreme of sweetness or sourness. In faet, the majority of mankind, if they must choose, would rather have their food a little too sweet than a little too sour. Your bright speeches are quoted far and wide, and your happy repartees are the pride of all your friends, but there is such a thing as being too sharp. According to a homely old adage, such people as you are apt to cut themselves. You remember that bright remark you made about old Deacon Slowcoach, which so added to your repu- tation as a wit, and the mirth-provoking way in which you took off Parson Awkward, last sum- mer, really it was very amusing ; but did you know it made your best friends half afraid of you, lest you should take them off in the same way ? The other girls will applaud, but they will secretly fear you, and the young men, while they laugh uproariously at your wit, will be unapproachable even in leap year. To work the old simile a little harder — the young man that is on the lookout for "the best girl in all the world " to sit opposite to him at the table, through life, and pour out his tea, will prefer to have her drop a lump of sugar 34 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. into his cup, rather than a few drops of lemon- juice. If your tongue is a Damascus blade, sharpened on both edges, use it sparingly and cautiously ; let your raillery be good-natured ; laugh with peo- ple rather than at them, and they will love you all the better for it. To put it briefly, wit and sarcasm and irony, like fire, water, electricity, a hot temper, and many other good things, are capital servants, but very poor masters. " Better is he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city." Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO MISS RAPID. Dear Miss Rapid : I understand ^\\a\. you are second cousin to Miss Pertie Picklc.i, to whom I had the pleasure of writing last week ; but while there are many things that I like and even admire about your cousin, you are utterly distasteful to me, and I THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 35 think you are no less so even to those who are not so old-fogyish and antiquated as I am. Ex- cuse plain words — they are needed. A " fast girl " can understand no others, because the very fact that she is "fast" shows that her moral sense is blunted, and that mild expostulations will do but little good. It is not so much that you like to flirt, and be out on the street late, and talk slang, and dress in a "loud" way to attract atten- tion, but the sad thing about your case is that these outward things show a corrupt heart. At this time of year I sometimes buy apples that are not very fair upon the outside ; they may even be wizened and knurly, but if they are sweet and sound at the core, I do not greatly object, but when I see specks on the outside that indicate that all under the skin is decayed, I do not ask my grocer to send home any of these apples. With all seriousness and solicitude, my dear Miss Rapid, let me say to you that you are sell- ing your birthright very cheap. When for a few "good times" you cast a suspicion upon your character, you get even less than Esau got for his. A wilted violet is worth very little ; a bedrag- gled rose is not sought after; if the bloom is 36 THE MOSSIJACK CORRESPOXDExVCE. brushed off the peach, it cannot be restored. You may say that you mean no harm, and that you do nothing wrong. Ah, but you do something wrong ! No Newgate crime, perhaps ; no specific violation of the Ten Commandments, possibly, can be charged against you, but you are lowering with every "fast" step and "loud" action the respect of men for womankind. You are not sin- ning against your own soul only, but against all your sisterhood, and, in fact, all the brotherhood as well. There is no need of this alternative, but it would be a great deal better for you to follow in the footsteps of Miss Prim, or Miss Prude, or Miss Particular, than any longer to bear the name or fame of Miss Rapid. Very truly yours, A. MOSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO MASTER FORWARD. Dear Sonny : I am sorry that there is such a misapprehension on your part concerning your own age. While THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 3/ you look like a boy, you act like an undergrown man. You have an opinion, which you are always ready to express, on every subject under the heavens. Whether it is the nebular hypothesis, or the socialistic theories of Henry George, or the relative value of razors, or the latest ballet, you have your ever-ready opinion. You never were a little boy, in your own estimation, you never seem to have had a weakness for marbles and tops, and as for the time when you had a piece of chalk and a sling and an apple-core and a few shingle-nails and a broken jackknife in your pocket, I can hardly imagine it. But, do you know, I do not like you nearly so well as the little boy whom, very likely, you look down upon with much pitying contempt. I like him better, even if he is sometimes noisy and boisterous, and if he knows far less than you do about socialism and evolution and the latest divorce scandal. I would like him better, even if he had a torn jacket and a dirty face, than you with a swollow-tail and beaver and a big, silver-headed cane. Did you ever think that God never makes pre- cosities } He never made a four-year-old colt in five minutes. He never intended that there 38 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. should be a man until there had first been a boy, except in the case of Adam, and I think Adam must have missed a great deal in not having a chance to be a boy. There is a great difference between being manly and mannisJi. A manly boy is the joy of my heart ; a mannish boy is an eyesore and an offence. In order to become manly, you must first get over being mannish. Perhaps you think this is only the opinion of an old fogy, named Mossback, but ask any sensible man about it, and see if he does not confirm the words of Your old friend, A. Mossback. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO BROTHER HARD -UP. Dear Mr. Hard-up : I do not think you understand how much of a hindrance you frequently are to the cause of religion. Your perennial and perpetual shortness of cash would be pitiable if only you were con- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENXE. 39 cerned, but when the cause of the Redeemer suf- fers thereby, your miserliness assumes ahnost the guise of a crime. I used to think when you were young, that your pinching economy had some excuse, and that really you were obliged to live as a niggard ; but I cannot see that you are any more generous, now that your possessions foot up a round hundred thousand. Your minister always hesitates to start any project in the parish that requires money, for he knows that Bro. Hard-up can never be induced to favor it, and his opposi- tion will affect a score of others ; and so the pulpit cushion is frayed, and the curtains behind the pulpit are ragged and faded, and the organ is out of tune, and the carpet is worn out, and things generally have a shiftless and unkempt appearance. The missionary contribution is a mere apology for a collection, the minister is half- starved, and religion, as exhibited in your church, is becoming a mockery and reproach. Just open your heart and your pocket-book, Brother Hard-up, and you will find a wonderful change for the better. Your generosity will stim- ulate others to give more, and the whole church will assume a different aspect in the eyes of the 40 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. outside community. Every one will see that religion means something to you, that it is not simply a prayer-meeting exhortation. And you have no idea how much happier you will be your- self. I used to know of a miserly boy away at school, who frequently had a barrel of apples sent him by his parents. In order to save them, he always ate the half-decayed apples first, and saved the good ones for the future. The consequence was that he was always eating specked fruit. I think you have been doing the same thing all your life. You have been so anxious to save everything that you have always been eating the specked apples. Do try the best fruit which life has to offer before you die. You will find it by giving away some of your surplus apples, and not by saving them all for the ungrateful relatives who will quarrel over them when you are dead. Your friend, A. MOSSBACK. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 4I AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAN WHO "SPEAKS TO EDIFICATION." Dear Brother : You may think from my name and generally ancient flavor, as revealed by my previous letters, that I will be your stanch defender. You think, perhaps, that I have no sympathy with the new- fangled ideas about brevity and pithiness in the prayer-meeting, but you are very much mistaken. I have seen the error of my ways, and no longer value a prayer-meeting utterance according to its length and prosiness. In fact, I cannot approve of you, for the following reasons : When you undertake to "edify" the brethren, you want at least ten minutes to do it in ; thus you take seven minutes that belong to the other brethren and sisters. It is not a sufficient excuse for you to say that they will not take the minutes, and that you must "occupy the time." You and the other "edifyers" are responsible for there being so much spare time in the prayer-meeting to occupy. You can't perform another's duty by occupying his time, and all your brothers and sisters have a duty 42 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. in the prayer-meeting as well as yourself. Again I cannot approve of you because you have totally misconceived the object of a prayer-meeting. It is not to give instruction, but to impart spiritual warmth. If you want to impart instruction get a call to some church, or hire a hall, or take a Sun- day school class. You will have ample opportu- nity then to exercise your gifts, but do spare us in the prayer-meeting ; for, in the ordinary ten min- utes harangue, there is about as much life-giving, spiritual warmth as there is in the north side of an iceberg. Pardon this plain admonition, and believe me Ever yours, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAN WHO PRESENTS THE TOP OF HIS BALD HEAD TO THE MINISTER. Dear Sir : Perhaps you are not aware that there is usually one of you in every audience. Sometimes there are several of you, but rarely is an audience so THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 43 fortunate as not to contain one of your brother- hood. It may not be strictly in accordance with truth to imply that your head is always bald, but it frequently is, but even if it is well covered with a luxurious capillary growth, it is not an inspiring part of your anatomy to present to the minister. You have put your head forward on the seat, I know, to indulge in quiet meditation upon the truth ; far be it from me even to intimate that you ever indulge in a furtive nap while your head is thus bowed so reverently ; of course you do not ; it is not on this ground that I would think of sending you this friendly note. But did you ever think how very little expression there is in the top of your head.? Really, it aids your pastor exceedingly little to gaze down upon that portion of your skull. He is glad to know, undoubtedly, that you have a well-developed cerebrum and cere- bellum, and would be particularly glad to see that your bump of benevolence was large and promi- nent, but he is hardly near enough to you to observe these things, and he gains no other in- formation from what he sees. Now if he saw your eyes fixed steadily upon him, it would help him wonderfully, and when they 44 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. kindled with a recognition of the greatness or beauty of his theme, he, too, would kindle and give you back more than he received. If you even turned sideways and presented your ear, though it is not so expressive, yet it would encour- age him with the thought that you were "drinking in " the message ; but God did not make the top of your head to see with or hear with. You surely would not go into your pastor's parlor, and while he was talking with you, bow before him in such an attitude, and I can assure you he asks for no such reverential posture while he is preaching to you. Suppose all the congregation should do the same, you can easily imagine that he would soon send in his resignation. But you do not wish him to do this, I am sure. You do wish him to preach with power and earnestness. Then help him to do this by keeping ymr eyes fixed up- on him during the sermon. This, at least, is the advice of Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 45 AN OPEN LETTER TO THE TEACH I<:R WHO IS HAHITUALLY ABSENT FROM HIS CLASS. Dear Sir : You have been absent from your Sunday school class many times during the past fifty-two weeks. If you had only been absent once or twice, or if you had made a strenuous effort to provide a substitute when absent, I would have no message to send you ; but you are one of those teachers who come when you feel like it and stay away when you feel like it, and never offer to resign so that a more faithful man may be found to take your place. You are a tribulation to the superintendent, and a rock of offence to the school, and a stumbling- block to every young Christian. I speak strongly, for you are a hard case, and soft words would be wasted on you. I am forced to believe from your actions that no motive su£ ciently high influences you as a teacher. You are not thus spasmodic and uncertain in your business. You are found at your store promptly Monday morning and every morning. You are rarely afflicted with a 46 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. cold SO grievous that you cannot make a day's wages. What, then, can we conclude, except that the inducement is not strong enough to bring you regularly to Sunday school ? You will do more for money than you will for the love of the Lord and the young people whom He has given you to look after in your class. You care more for mam- mon than for God. You have no more right to be absent from your class than the minister has to be absent from his pulpit Sunday morning. The fact that he receives a salary and you do not has nothing to do with the case. When you took the class you virtually agreed to teach it, not once in a while but every Sunday. I have no patience with you ; but, if you think I have expressed my- self too harshly, you can lay it all to the old fogy- ism of Yours truly, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE YOUNG MAN AT THE CHURCH DOOR. Dear Sir : I hardly think you can understand the light in which you are regarded by others, or you would THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 47 not so persistently take up your position as sen- tinel at the outer gate of Zion. I often wonder if the dude or the flashily dressed woman know how they really look to others. I cannot be- lieve that they do, for no person willingly makes himself ridiculous. So I cannot think that you know what the congregation thinks of you when it files past you Sunday evening, after you have taken up your favorite position near the church porch. To be sure, the Psalmist implies that '• it is better to be a door-keeper in the house of the Lord than to dwell in the tents of wickedness ;" but he had no reference to such as you. The sex- ton can keep the door of the house of the Lord without your help ; and you are not only making yourself ridiculous, but also are an intolerable nui- sance to all about you. Your motive is perfectly transparent. You do not come to listen to the sermon, or to engage in the worship, but to ogle the girls. If this is not your object then a great many others besides myself are mistaken in your motives. The young ladies have to run the gaunt- let of your impertinent eyes, frequently as they come in, and always as they go out. You and your companions range yourselves at the door, m 48 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. two files, through which people have to pass, as though you were the guards of honor at a military funeral ; but if you could hear the disgust which every sensible girl expresses at such a perform- ance, you would not repeat it. Let me assure you your motive is entirely transparent to every one. You are found out. When next you are tempted to stand at the church door to stare at the girls, let me condense my advice into one ner- vous monosyllable, ^^ Donty Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO MR. YOUNGHUSBAND. Dear Sir : When you brought your charming young wife to our sleepy old town and settled down in our midst, did you know how much new life and vigor you brought with you } No, I do not think you THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 49 will ever know all the good you did, or the cour- age which you gave to your old pastor and friend who now writes to you. To tell you the truth, I was getting pretty well discouraged. The young people all seemed to be moving away, and none came to our town to take their places. Old Dea. Standby had just died, and rich Mrs. Dowager, who used to contribute a hundred dollars a year to my salary, went back to the city to live, and I had begun to think that I had better take my place among the supernumeraries. Just then you came. The first evening you were in town hap- pened to be our prayer-meeting evening, and you and Mrs. Younghusband were there, in spite of the fact that we all knew you were tired out with moving. Moreover, you said a few words in that first meeting, and told us how glad you were to find yourself among Christian friends at once. How our hearts did warm to you ! After the meeting, too, you did not grab your hat and bolt for the door, as though all the rest of us were pickpockets, but you waited to shake hands with some of us, and told me your name, and asked the sexton for a pew, and said you both meant to get your church letters in season to unite with us at 50 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. the next communion. Well, from that day to this, you have carried out the promise of that first meeting. You have never sulked, or stood upon your dignity, or complained that ''people in this church were so unsocial," or growled that you "never could get acquainted," and that you often wished you were "back in the old church." You took a class in the Sunday school just as soon as you were asked, and at the next election became chairman of the Lookout Committee of the young people's society, and from that day to this, the church has taken on such new vigor, that we find we can get along even without Dea. Standby and Mrs. Dowager. That half-written letter of resig- nation, which had lain in my desk for six months, was torn up, and I have never since thought of re-writing it. May your tribe increase, my dear brother, until you shall have a representative in every church. You will never cease to have the prayers and blessings of Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENXE. 5 1 AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND. My Dear Madame : Recently I sent a communication to your good husband, but I was not unmindful of the fact that to you quite as much as to him was due the rare blessing which came to our church with your arri- val. That first evening that you were in our vil- lage you did not say : " Now, John Younghus- band, you shall not go to that pokey old prayer- meeting. Here we are strangers with the dust of moving hardly washed off our faces. Besides, we have been married scarcely two weeks, and we ought to stay at home to receive callers." But you said (for your good husband told me all about it afterwards), " Come, John, let us go to prayer- meeting, and show our colors the first day we are in town, and get acquainted with the good people of the church." Then when Sunday came, John was half in- clined to wait until somebody invited you both to go to Sunday school ; but in your cheery, com- mon-sense way, you started off as though there 52 THE MOSSliACK CORRESPONDENCE. was but one possible thing to do on Sunday after- noon and that was to go to Sunday school. John was ashamed to enter a demurrer, but went with you as a good husband should. Then, when the first baby came, instead of keeping Mr. Younghusband at home from Sunday school and prayer-meeting to sit with you, you used to say : *' Now, John, I want to hear all about the prayer-meeting and my Sunday school class every week, and you must never miss a meeting until I can leave the baby and go with you again." Oh, I have found you out, Mrs. Younghusband, and though you are inclined to lay all the credit for the help that has recently come to the church from your family at John's door, he knows better and so do I. Your friend, A. MOSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO BRO. LONGWIND. Dear Brother Longwind : I esteem you as one of the salt of the earth. If there is any one in all my parish who keeps his THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 53 lamp trimmed and burning it is yourself. Your life is above reproach, your conduct is most exem- plary, your faithfulness to every duty is unques- tioned. You are the most fluent and gifted man in the church, and, as is often remarked, you can preach better than the minister himself. But I have somewhat against you, and that is, to be very frank, my dear brother, you do talk uncon- scionably long in the prayer-meeting. You talk well, I admit, and even eloquently, but none the less you are killing our meetings. You remem- ber the subject of our last meeting was "Faith," and you went over the whole ground, giving us a review of the lives of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, a dissertation on Paul's definition of faith, with a side glance at Calvin, Luther and Wesley, a squint at Schleiermacher, a scathing denunciation of the Sabellian view, and an ample quotation from Tennyson. It was all very beautiful, but all very much out of place. If I know anything about a prayer-meeting, its object is to give every member of the church family assembled together an opportunity to talk over one with another, mat- ters of common interest, and especially to talk of their love for the Elder Brother and His love for 54 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. them ; and it is about as inappropriate for you to make a twenty-minute speech there as in a neigh- bor's parlor, where a few of you might be assem- bled together. Besides, there was no time, after you got through, either for farmer Rustic or for John Newbegin, who had the first words of con- fession trembling on his lips, and who would have been greatly helped by participation in that meet- ing. However, my dear brother, I am convinced that it was simply forgetfulness on your part of the true object of a prayer-meeting, and that you will take in the same spirit in which it is written this letter from Your old friend and pastor, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO THE MEMBERS OF HIS YOUNG PEOPLE'S SOCIETY. My Dear Friends : I am getting to be an old man, but I hope I shall always have a young heart. In fact, if I must choose I would far rather be an old man with a young heart than a young man with an old THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 55 heart, and I am glad to tell you that one of the things that has kept my heart young and warm has been our Society of Christian Endeavor. In the first place, I have always known that I was welcome to your meetings. The way you crowd around me when I step into the door shows me how you feel, and I did not need that Rogers' group which you gave me at Christmas time to remind me of your love, though it was a very pleasant token to receive. I have never found it necessary to preserve my ministerial dignity by holding aloof from you, nor have I ever had to scold you or remind you of the allegiance you owe to the church, for you understand as well as I do that this allegiance is a settled and essential thing in a Society of Christian Endeavor. There is one meeting in the course of the week that I feel perfectly safe about, and that is the meeting which our society conducts. However others fail, I know that this will be fully attended and well supported. Then, as to help in all church work, I have never had to ask you twice. Is there a new family with young people to be visited.? The calling committee is all ready to do it. Is there some special music to be provided, the 56 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. music committee is for just that purpose. Or flowers for the pulpit, why, there is the flower committee. Or does the Sunday school need a little aid, the Sunday-school committee is always saying, " Give us something to do," so, of course, I apply to thern. Or is there some peculiarly delicate matter among the young people to be adjusted, the only thing necessary is to call to- gether "my cabinet, " the lookout committee, and the matter is soon straightened out. I could wish for each of my brethren in the ministry no greater blessing than just such a loyal, devoted band of young Christians to stay up his hands. May the time soon come when all churches shall have them ! Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO DEACON GOODENOUGH. My Dear Friend : Yes, I have found you out. You did your best to keep it from me, I know, but your old pastor was too sharp for you. You didn't let your right THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 57 hand know what your left hand did, but you can't prevent the beams of a candle shining out, even in this naughty world, unless you snuff it out. This was the way I found you out : You see, last holiday time, I felt that I ought to make some calls among my poorer parish- ioners. So on the 26th of December, I hitched up old Dobbin and started out. The first one I visited was Widow Doleful. She usually greets me with a long face and the customary phrase, "why, what a stranger you be." But I was sur- prised to see that she forgot it this time, and with her face all radiant with smiles, she took me into the pantry and showed me a bushel of potatoes and a half barrel of apples and a whole barrel of flour from Dea. Goodenough. Then I went on to the house of poor John Careless. He is always getting into trouble and meeting with some sort of accident. The week before he had almost cut off his foot while chop- ping wood. I was surprised to see him hopping about quite nimbly on a pair of fine, eavsy crutches. "Oh," said he when I asked him about it, " they came from Dea. Goodenough — a Christmas present, you know." 58 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. My next call was on Peter Poverty's family. Poor fellow, he is drinking himself into the grave, and his wife and children have to buy their flour by the pound and their coal by the bushel. But actually Mrs. Poverty had a whole ton in her bin, and she looked so cheerful when she said, " It's a Christmas present from Dea. Goodenough," that it would have done you good to see her. She did not say so, but I know she thought that Peter couldn't very well drink up that ton of coal any way. I only made one more call that afternoon, and that was on Mr. and Mrs. Quiverfull. I had been wondering how in the world all the little Quiver- fulls could have had any Christmas present, for I knew Mr. Q. only earned ten dollars a week. But I had not reached the outer threshold when the youngest pair of twins came running to me, each holding a big doll baby and cry- ing out, " Oh, Mr. Mossback, see what Dea. Goodenough gave us for Christmas presents." Now I can hear you say as you throw down the book which you hold, after reading this letter, " Oh, pshaw ! that was nothing. It wasn't worth speaking of." But I am rather an obstinate old THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 59 parson, and I insist that it was somcthin;^^ and something unusual. You didn't order twenty fat turkeys to be sent to each of the men with fami- lies connected with your woollen mill, or a ton of coal to a dozen poor families, but you found out what each one most needed and sent that. You gave something besides turkeys and coal and money. You gave time and thought and some- thing of yourself with every gift, and. though I know it will make you blush, I am going to tell all the readers of this correspondence that I believe that that blessed verse in the twenty-fifth chapter of Mathew, which begins with *' inas- much," applies to you, every word of it. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO YOUNG AUTHORS. My Dear Friends : For many years, I have had more or less to do with editors and publishers, and, perhaps, can 60 THE MOSSIiACK CORRESrONDKNXE. give you some information concerning them that will not come amiss. I used to suppose, when I first sent my lucubrations to the papers, that the editor was a high and miglity authority, a sort of Olympian Jove of letters, who hurled his thunder- bolts or deigned graciously to smile on his humble subjects, as the humor siezed him. Then, as my poor little effusions began to come back with the stereotyped phrase which I learned absolutely to loathe, "Declined with thanks," I made up my mind that this editorial Jove was very free with his thunderbolts and very sparing of his smiles. But I know more on this subject than I used to know. In the first place, I have learned that there are at least a hundred thousand young people aflflicted with the CacoetJics Scribcndi a. good deal as I was, and that it made little differ- ence to the editor if I did get angry and vow that I would never have anything more to do with — well, we will call the paper — T/ie Silver Measure, since he could at once fall back on the other nine- ty-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine young authors of the country. I next learned that this mysterious editor who always spoke of himself as "we," as though he were big enough TlIK MOSSIJACK C()KKr.SI»()\nKNCK. 6l for at least half a dozen, was a man with occa- sional estimable qualities, after all, sometimes even gentle and mild-mannered, but with one supreme purpose, — to ii.ake his paper as bright and interesting and readable and useful as pos- sible. If he was the successful editor of a daily paper, he was sure to have a " nose for news," as the phrase goes, and, if his was a weekly paper, he had a keen eye for what was "available." I soon learned that that one very elastic word, available, explained why I received so many fat letters bearing the fatal words, "Declined with thanks." I learned also that he scanned every- thing that came to his desk very carefully, hoping to find indications of the coming poet or the great American novelist, and that, though disappointed a thousand times, he would return to the search as zealously as ever. At last I began to learn what he considered "available" and what "unavaila- ble ; " about this I will tell you in another letter. Your friend, A. MOSSBACK. 62 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO YOUNG AUTHORS. Concerning Available Manuscripts. My Dear Friends : I suppose every editor has his own views as to what constitutes the "available" article, and what is available for one paper may be far from available for another ; and what may be available at one time may be quite out of the question at another, even for the same paper, if the editor has been surfeited, as very often he is, with articles on the same subject. But here are some general suggestions concerning the available manuscript : 1. It is written on one side of the sheet. 2. It is not rolled, but folded. 3. It is not written on scraps and odds and ends of paper and backs of envelopes. One ought to be at least as well known as Alexan- der Pope before he follows his example in this respect. Very fair paper costs only ten cents a pound. One might better economize on bent pins and apple-cores. 4. The available manuscript is much more often prose than poetry, but if it is alleged poe- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 63 try, good isn't compelled to rhyme with dude, or love with grave, and it doesn't go limping along on several different kinds of disabled feet. 5. The available manuscript stops when it is finished, like a good preacher. If it is for most weekly papers it is usually not over eight hun- dred or one thousand words in length. 6. The available manuscript does not use two galleys to convey a stickful of meaning. 7. The available manuscript is very shy of such subjects as spring, summer, autumn and win- ter, and the beautiful snow and the fading leaf. 8. The available manuscript has not very much to say about Adam and Eve, but a good deal to say about their descendants of the nine- teenth century. 9. The available manuscript, if from a young and inexperienced author, is not usually accom- panied by an imperative demand for payment. In conclusion, if you have something important that needs to be said, or if you have a new way of putting an old truth, by all means let the edi- tor have it, and it will doubtless be found avail- able ; but if you only want some good practice, write out what you have to say in a good, round, 64 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. bold hand, on a fair quality of commercial note- paper, look carefully after the spelling and punctu- ation, read it over critically to see that there are no mistakes, and then — drop it in your waste- basket, which probably is not nearly as full as the editor's. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO YOUNG AUTHORS. Co7icerning Unavailable Manuscripts. My Dear Friends : I said in my last that I would tell you what I knew about the "unavailable manuscript." The unavailable manuscript which is ''returned with thanks " is often written on both sides of the sheet, in crabbed hieroglyphics, that would puzzle Schliemann himself to decipher. The average editor, not having the patience or the genius of Schliemann or Layard, makes n his mind that the game isn't worth the candle, and so returns it THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 65 "with thanks," after struggling through the first two or three pages. If the truth were known, his thanks are not very deep or hearty. When you become very distinguished you can afford to write such a hand, and the editor may be willing to decipher it, but, until you become at least as dis- tinguished as Horace Greeley, do not imitate his chirography. Again, the "unavailable manu- script " is often unconscionably long. Cut it in two in the middle, or, better still, lop off the ends, both the introduction and the peroration, and send on just the meaty middle, and see if it is not accepted. Then, too, the editors tell me that hundreds of manuscripts go back simply because they do not rise above the dreary level of the commonplace. They are not positively objec- tionable ; the sentiment is good, and it is fairly well expressed, but there is nothing bright or fresh about them. They were written not be- cause the author had something he deemed impor- tant, something that he must say, but for the sake of seeing himself in print. Do not strain after effect or use "hifalutin" language. Some writers, for the sake of being original, use such unusual words and inverted sentences that few 66 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. can understand them, and the editor at once says to himself, " That must be returned with thanks." Here are some directions that some- times appear with an article, which always make it unavailable : " This must appear in the next issue." " If you don't publish it stop my paper." "Pleas korrect mistaks. I am in a grate hurry." These are some of the things the editors tell me about unavailable articles, and I simply pass them over to you. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO THE MAN WITH A WATCH. My Dear Friend ; I am very glad that you own a timepiece. I hope it is an excellent one, and keeps correct time ; but really, there is very little need of your letting every one at church know that you have a watch. I notice that you took it out of your pocket and looked at it four times during the last THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 67 six minutes of your pastor's sermon, and every time you returned it to your pocket you shut the case with a spiteful little click, that resounded through the church. If it must be announced that you have a hunting-case watch, I wish you would do it in some other way. You might post the fact on the notice-board, or get the minister to read it among the other announcements for the week (it would hardly be more inappropriate than many he is called upon to make). It is possible, however, that your memory is bad (less than two minutes long, in fact), and that, on this account, you are obliged to look at your watch so often. If so, how would it do to take a course with Prof. Loisette ? I think that would help you to remember that, two minutes after you have found it to be quarter to twelve, it is altogether likely that it is thirteen minutes to twelve. It cannot be that you are so rude as to look at your watch for the sake of reminding your pastor that it is almost time for him to have done preaching! I cannot think this of you, even though some unkind persons are very free in making this charge ; nor do I quite think it is mere love of display on your part, since almost 68 THE MOSSDACK CORRESrONDEN'CE. everybody has a watch in these days, and you can- not regard it as any great distinction. No, I am inclined to adopt the other theory, and to believe that it is due to a defective memory that you so often consult your time-keeper during the sermon. So I will give the great memory strengthener a little more gratuitous advertising, and say: For your unfortunate weakness, try Loisette. Your friend, A. MOSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO REV. J. LAMENTATION. Dear Brother Jeremiah : Is there really any need of taking such a dis- mal view of the world and all things that are therein ? I know things are not just as they used to be in the old days when the part in our hair was not so very wide as it is now. In some ways I agree with you, that the change does not seem to have been for the better, and yet many other things are so manifestly better than they used to THK MOSSIIACK CORRESPONDENXE. 69 be that I believe the balance is infinitely on the right side. To wait half an hour at the depot for a belated train is unpleasant, but it isn't nearly as bad as not to have any train to wait for, and to have to travel by stage-coach. If illuminating gas had not been invented we should have no leaky pipes or huge gas bills, and yet I should be sorry to go back to the days of the candle dip, and I think you would. Thus, many of these things of which you complain are the product of the times, and it is our business to make our times better, not to be- rate them or constantly to bewail the "good old times." Some of the skepticism of the day is due, doubtless, to the increased intellectual ac- tivity of the day. When all men are asking "whence.!^" ** where .^" "whither.?" there must necessarily be more doubt an^ infidelity than when most men allowed their priests to do all their thinking for them. When people are brought together by the mil- lion in a great city, there are many difficult prob- lems which were not raised when a few thousands were scattered over our hillsides and valleys. But we cannot go back to the period of quiet 70 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. colonial days if we should wish to, and we would not wish to if we could. When wealth increases, luxury and greed of gain are likely to increase, too ; but we cannot re- duce these evils by continually sighing for the old times and lamenting because they cannot come back again. If the gas leaks, let us stop the leak instead of blowing up the gas-house. If the train is late, let us get to our destination just as soon as pos- sible, instead of anathematizing the railroad and refusing to get aboard when the train does come along. If the times are bad, let us mend them, instead of groaning over the departure of the past and growling over the coming of the present, for our lamentations will neither bring back yes- terday nor delay the coming of to-morrow. Your friend, A. MOSSBACK. THE MOSSHACK COKRESPONDKNXE. /I AN OPEN LETTF:R FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO SISTER PATTER. Dear Sister Patter : It is insisted in some quarters that it is the duty of ladies to be " talkative," and I am not dis- posed to dispute this proposition, but do let us have something worth talking about when we talk. Not that we need to discourse about high and mighty subjects always in Miltonian diction, but there are surely enough matters to talk about without descending to the utterly insignificant. There is an expression which I have heard used by the small boys, sometimes, which I fear is hardly classical, but which is certainly expressive. They say such and such a person "talks too much with his mouth." By this, I think they mean a bombastic, grandiloquent kind of speech that hasn't much meaning in it, speech which has more relation to the lips than to the heart or to the head. Now, whether in man, woman or child, dear Sister Patter, such talk is unprofitable. On the political stump we should call it buncombe, in the pulpit it would be termed rant, and in the 72 THE MOSSBACK COKRESPONDKNCE. private parlor it is just chatter. Many unkind things have been said about woman's talkative- ness. All literature is full of masculine epi- grams on this subject, which, in my opinion, old fogy that I am, are little deserved. I think that men are just exactly as much inclined to **talk with their mouths" as women, only they do it in a loud, bombastic way, as though what they said was authoritative, and always settled the matter. But that is neither here nor there ; this letter is to Sister Patter, not to Brother Bombast. I would not be sarcastic or severe. I know that you often have the " kindest heart in all the world." Your chatter is not malicious nor always gossipy even, but just tiresome. Simply because you are such a "good soul," and have so much compassion for your friends, do give us a rest. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. THK MOSSHACK CORUESPOXnKN'CE, 73 AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSHACK TO THE MAN WHO COMES LATE TO CHURCH. Dear Friend : There is an old adage which is often, appar- ently, applied to church-going, and which says. "Better late than never." This is all very well, but a better motto still is, " Better early than late." There are various considerations which support this statement that, perhaps, you have never con- sidered. I will not refer to the familiar argu- ment, that this late entrance disturbs the minister and distracts the congregation, for you have had these considerations urged upon you a thousand times. But one of these considerations which I think will move you to better things is, that your coming in late invests you with such an unpleas- ant degree of conspicuousness. Why, if all Bar- num's circus marched in, two by two, through the church door, it could hardly attract more atten- tion than you do when late you tiptoe in, ever so softly. I know that you do not enjoy this notori- ety. In fact, I think it must be rather unpleas- ant. There is only one way to avoid it, — come 74 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. early. Another reason why you should habitu- ally be in your place on time is, that you are pro- vocative of two very old and stale jokes, by being habitually behind time. They have been perpe- trated a thousand times in the past, and you have yourself given occasion for them more than once. If I was not so old myself I suppose I should call them chestnuts. One of these ancient jokes is to call you "The late Mr. Smith." The other, equally aged, is to speak of your "right hand and left hand and little behind hand." Do spare the world the repetition of these venerable puns, by being more promptly in your place. Possibly, you think that these are not the most important reasons for promptness, after all. Per- haps they are not, but I am assuming that every other argument has been exhausted upon you. If I am wrong in urging upon you these motives, then come early out of respect to your pastor, and the sacred service, and the house of God, and the cause which you wish to honor. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 75 AN OPEN LKTTKR TO THK CONGREGA- TION CONCERNING THE MAN WHO COMES LATE TO CHURCH. Dear Friends : This gentleman in whom you are all so much interested, is, after all, nothing but a man. He is neither an angel from the skies, nor a demon from the pit. He has no wings sprouting from his shoulders, nor horns, nor hoofs, nor forked tail. He is really a common sort of a man, with a bad habit of being late. He wears a frock coat with five buttons down the front, a pair of pepper-and- salt trousers, a stand up collar and a black string necktie. He has a smooth face, with the excep- tion of a moustache, and parts his hair on the left side. You have seen just such a man a thousand times before ; in fact, you have seen this very man hundreds of times in the past, and you never thought of looking at him twice. Why should you turn around and distract the whole audience, and break the thread of the minister's discourse, simply because this old friend of yours is a little late ? He is really just the same man on Sunday 76 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. morning that he was on Saturday, and that he will be on Monday. To have you turn around and look at him is unpleasant to him, unkind to the minister, and unbecoming to the House of God. To be sure, so far as he is concerned, perhaps, it is no more than he deserves, if he is habitually late, and it may be that you turn around and stare at him as a sort of mute reproach for being late, but that is not the best way of correcting his habit. Go to him privately with a word of counsel ; it is far better than to try to stare him out of counte- nance when he comes late to church. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. An Open Letter to the Members of the Church That Does Not Promptly Pay its Minister's Salary. Dear P'riends : I rejoice to believe at I am not addressing my remarks in this letter to so large a constitu- ency as it would have reached had I written it THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. // some years ago, before my back was quite so moss-grown. If the world is growing worse in some particulars, as the i^essimists would have us believe, it i; growing rather better in this, I think; for I believe that the overworked and underpaid ministers of the gospel get their salai -^ little more promptly than they used to get it. How- ever, there are enough of you left who are great sinners in this respect, to warrant me in sending you a letter. You expect your minister to be a conspicuous example of probity and honesty. You expect him to keep all the commandments, and one of them (though it isn't contained in the Decalogue) is, "Owe no man anything." But how can he obey this when you owe him so much ? You want him to put his very best intel- lectual force into his sermons ; but how can that be when half his intellectual force is dissipated in worrying over his debts ? Your minister may be a good extemporaneous preacher, but, as has been before remarked, " However well a minister may preach without his notes in the pulpit, he cannot get along without notes in his pocket." In this connection let me commend a story I have recent- ly heard to your consideration : " I thought you 78 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. preached for souls, not for money," said a mem- ber of your church to a hard-working pastor. "So I do," responded the pastor, "but I can't eat souls ; and, if I could, it would take a thousand such as yours to make a respectable meal." Yours truly, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO BROTHER DRIVER. Dear Brother : I know that you have some enemies, but I wish you to understand that, old man that I am, you may count me as one of your warm friends and admirers. How anything would ever be done in this world were it not for you and your kinsmen in the flesh I do not know. Especially in the church are you needed. There are plenty of your relatives in business life, plenty in society, plenty of them in all the professions, but how few in the church ! I remember the time when the new organ was needed. The old one wheezed and creaked and THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 79 groaned for years, and would have wheezed and creaked and groaned until this day if it had not so vexed your energetic soul that you started around with a subscription paper, and in one week had enough money raised for a new organ. I remember, too, when the old pulpit cushions had become so frayed and full of dust that every time I waxed warm and energetic in the pulpit, and brought my hand down on the desk with any- thing like vigor, quite a little cloud of dust and lint flew in every direction. You said, I recollect, that "it was too bad that parson Mossback should raise such a dust every time he came to the 'rousements,'" and in less than two weeks there were new pulpit coverings, which I could safely pound to my heart's content. And well do I recollect the faded and weather- beaten paint on the old meeting-house which made our church quite the laughing-stock of the town. Deacon Slow said it ought to be painted, and Brother Timid considered it quite disgraceful, and Sister Patter and Sister Grumble spent the time of several sewing circles in telling each other how ashamed they were of the appearance of the old 80 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. church. You did not say much, but you did head a subscription paper, and gave the rest of them no peace until enough money was raised to make our old sanctuary respectable again. These are not the only things you have done either. You infused new life into the prayer- meetings, and you toned up the Sunday school, and you started the Society of Christian Endeavor, and while some people think you are rather brisk and brusque, and are a little afraid of your ener- getic ways, I say, God bless you, Brother Driver, and multiply your descendants. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO MRS. SHEPHERDESS. Allow me, dear Madam, to include you in the list of those whom I admire for their work's sake. When you became the wife of your husband, you accepted the fact that you had married a minister, and had peculiar and special duties, as a minis- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 8 1 ter's wife, which would not have fallen to your lot if you had married a lawyer or a doctor. You did not indulge in the current nonsense, to the effect that the parish hired your husband, and not yourself, and that they couldn't expect the ser- vices of two people for one salary. Nor, when you were asked to be president of the sewing cir- cle, did you tartly respond that you married your husband, and not your husband's parish. Ever since that wedding-day, so happy for him, and for you, too, if I mistake not, you have done what you could, never neglecting your home cares, but never making them an excuse for not doing your duty as a Christian minister's wife. You accepted the very evident fact at once, that, since the other ladies looked to you for, direction and leadership in certain matters, it was proper for you to help in just those places where you were asked and expected to help. You did not become president of the maternal association, I know, because you said that all your official aspirations were satisfied when you became president of the sewing circle, but you did just as much to help the maternal association as if you vv^ere its presi- dent. You put new life into it, and you took a 82 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. class in the Sunday school, and you became a member of the Lookout Committee of the Society of Christian Endeavor, and you set about raising funds for a new organ, and you started a fair for the old Ladies' Home, and while you were careful to give the other ladies the official positions, you did a good cieal more than your share of the work. You were never heard to grumble about it either, or to find fault with those who did less. When the city church sent its committee to hear your husband preach, I heard one of them say : " If all accounts are true, we shall make no mistake in our minister's wife this time, anyway.** Then, when your husband accepted the call, and you left your country home and your first church, I had my eyes and ears open, and I know how the people, young and old, felt, as they said good-bye, and said also one to another, ** We may get another minister, but we shall never get such another minister's wife." God bless you, my dear Mrs. Shepherdess. Your old friend, A. MoSSBACK. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 83 AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO THE MAN WHO KEEPS A DIARY. My Dear Friend : I believe thoroughly in your habit of diary- keeping, and wish I could persuade all who may read my letters to follow your example for another year, 1 know that you are held up to frequent ridicule, and your poor diary furnishes many a laugh for the unthinking. I know, too, that it is apt to be far more voluminous on the first day of January than on the first day of De- cember, but that characteristic it shares with many sublunary things, which are larger at the start than at the finish. Nevertheless, I believe in your diary, and I believe in you the more thor- oughly for keeping one. It shows that you have a self-reckoning, that you sometimes take an ac- count of stock, that you do not regard the days as they go by as sliding off into oblivion, but as worth some record, though it may be that no eye but your own will ever see the record. May I make one or two suggestions .'' Do not make the diary too sentimental. Do not have it filled 84 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. with introspection and a dissection of motives and self-accusations. Look back once in a while over the past, but do not be continually looking back or your head may get turned. Remember Lot's wife. Record common things. Even the weather is not to be despised. Put down the date when Johnny cut his first tooth, and Mary took her first step. Forsitan hacc olim, etc. Record the text from which your minister preached that excellent sermon last Sunday, with the leading thought, if you can remember it. Do not forget to make some allusion to that happy hour you spent in prayer and Bible-reading last week, and, if I were you, I would write out in black and white the good resolutions with which I began the new year, and then read them over on the 31st day of next December. The reading may make you blush, but it is sometimes very healthy to bring the blood to the surface. Remember that this diary is to be kept under lock and key, and is only for your own eye, so you can write yourself out just as you are. It is only very great men like Car- lyle who need fear to keep a diary. Your "life and remains" and mine will probably never be THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 85 published, and no one would care much to read them if they were. So we can keep a diary with- out fear that our "remains" will hereafter be mangled by well-meaning friends or malicious foes. By all means let us keep it up throughout the year. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAN WHO GETS ANGRY WITH THE EDITOR. Dear Sir: If I am not mistaken, you once stopped the Metropolitan Gazette because you did not like a single editorial that it contained. To be sure, there were two hundred and forty-seven editorials that same year which you did like, but you wanted to show your disapproval, and instead of sending a courteous note of remonstrance, you sent this epistle to the editor : " Since you write such edi- torial stuff, stop my paper." Another paper com- mended a man in whom you did not believe, and 86 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. you resorted to your usual panacea : " I do not want any paper that praises such a rascal. Stop my paper." Still another unfortunate journal to which you once subscribed admitted an advertise- ment which you thought was not wise. Very likely if you had called the editor's attention to it in a kindly way he would have agreed with you, dropped the advertisement, and thanked you for your pains. But instead you wrote ; ** Stop my paper. I won't patronize any swindling advertis- ing sheets." In fact, you treat an editor with whom you disagree as you would no other gentle- man. Perhaps it is because he writes under the impersonal "we," and you think it is impossible to insult an impersonal being. But allow me to inform you that the chances are that the editor is a gentleman. At least, unless you know some- thing to the contrary, you should give him the benefit of the doubt, and treat him as such. This is a free country. There is no reason why you should take his paper unless you choose, but there are very decided reasons why, even in a free country, you should treat every gentleman in a gentlemanly way. Another thing to be remem- bered, my friend, is that you are probably injuring THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDKNCE. 8/ yourself far more than you are the editor. If the paper is a valuable one it is worth far more to you than your subscription is worth to it. And lastly, much less lightning; goes with your thunder-bolt than you imagine. Your brief philippic will prob- ably never come to the editor's eye. It will waste its sweetness, or rather its sourness on the desert air of the subscription manager's desk. If I were you I wouldn't send it. Your friend, A. MOSSBACK, AN OPEN LETTER TO THE YOUNG FOLKS OF THE FIRST CHURCH OF CRANBERRYVILLE. Dear Young Friends : I have been talking with your pastor, Rev. Simeon Godspeed, and he has told me what you have done for him, and, in consequence, I want to give you an old man's blessing. You saw that your pastor looked troubled and anxious. He was a little doleful in his prayer-meeting remarks, and 88 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. his sermons betrayed the fact that he was getting disheartened. This was the more noticeable be- cause Parson Godspeed is naturally bright and hopeful and by no means a pessimist. Some peo- ple thought it would be well to cheer him up with a donation party, and others thought that fifty dol- lars a year ought to be added to his salary. Now I haven't much faii;h in the doughnut cure myself, and I don't believe that either a donation party or fifty dollars additional salary would have helped matters with Parson G. Then there was another set in the church who began to whisper that Mr. Godspeed was getting along in years, and that if he preached many more such gloomy sermons, it would be time to look out for a new minister. If things had gone on in this way, I don't know what these malcontents might not have done, but just then you came to the rescue. A meeting of the committees of your society was first held. Henry Rossiter was chair- man of the lookout committee, and he called the committees to order and spoke as follows : *' I think I know what the matter with our pastor is. Doughnuts and cord-wood and mince-pies and pickles won't meet the difficulty. Neither will an THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 89 addition to his salary or a repainting of the meet- ing-house. He is discouraged because of the lack of spiritual results, and I, for one, don't wonder. I move that we go to work to help him." That motion was unanimously carried, and then you be- gan to make the plans. The prayer-meeting com- mittee said that they would do their best to make the next church prayer-meeting the best one ever held in Cranberryville, and the lookout committee said ^hey would see every young person that went to that church, and get them all out to it, and make sure also that all of them should be present next Sunday morning at church. The Sunday school committee were confident that there were some young people who might be brought into the school, and, what was better, they would get them in ; while the music committee, by sitting together on the front seats and getting all the other singers to sit with them, thought they could improve the prayer-meeting singing. The social committee did not want to be outdone, and they agreed to stand at the door to welcome any new- comers ; while the calling committee said they would at once go to see the three new families who had moved into town over at Slab Hollow, 90 THE MOSSBACK COKRESPONDENCE. and see if there were not some young people there to be brought in. Well, to make a long story short, all these plans were carried out. The good parson was surprised to see seventy-three people at the next church prayer-meeting, instead of the usual twenty-one, and such a prayer-meet- ing as it was — forty-four prayers and testimonies, mostly from the young people, and such good singing ! Why, Parson Godspeed began to think that the millennium was coming, and he was al- most sure of it when next Sunday the congrega- tion was twice as large as usual, and there seemed such an unusual air of fellowship and good-will. He never preached so in all his life either ; some people said he seemed inspired. There wasn't a doleful sentence in all his sermon, and, what was better than all, that Sunday was apparently the beginning of a revival such as Cranberryville had never known. I think I know where that revival began. What you did was as much better than a donation party as prayer is better than provender, and earnest co-operation is better than squash- pies and doughnuts. God bless you all. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 9I AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO SISTER DORCAS. Dear Sister : I rejoice that your ancestress who died eight- een hundred years ago left such a prolific and numerous family behind her. What our churches would do without Sister Dorcas is more than I can imagine. The ladies' prayer-meeting needs her, the mission circle needs her, the church socia- ble needs her, while, of course, the ladies' benevo- lent society and the sewing-circle must have her. The trouble is that Sister Dorcas is apt to be overworked, even if there are several of her, and sometimes there comes an alarming period in the life of a church when, grown old in the service of the church militant, she is removed to the church triumphant, and no one is left to take her place. And now, good sister Dorcas, since such an event, happy for you but disastrous to the church, may happen at any moment, why not start a Dorcastry .'* I do not mean just such an institu- tion as one of our aggressive ministers has re- cently told about in the papers, but a private 92 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. school where likely girls may be trained to take your place. I would not have it known that there was such a school, nor would I let the pupils themselves know that they were attending it. Just bring the young ladies under your kindly influence ; show them what the church needs ; set them at work in some approved way ; give them some of your tasks, even though they do bungle them at first; send them on errands of mercy; let them help you plan the next church supper and the next missionary meeting. Above all, inspire them with your love and burning zeal for Christ ; and the Church of the twentieth century, and of twenty centuries to come, will call you blessed. You see I wax warm when I think of the glorious work you may perform for our churches, even though I am an old fogy minister, whom some people think superannuated. May God bless you and increase your tribe. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 93 AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAN WHO DOES NOT INTEND TO PAY FOR HIS NEWSPAPER. My Dear Friend: I hear that you have not paid your subscription to your religious newspaper for two years; in fact, if you will look at the tag, I don't know but you will find that you are three or four years behind. If it is simply forgetfulness on your part, I will own to a good deal of sympathy with you, for I am a forgetful old gentleman myself ; but if you belong to the tribe who wish to cheat the publishers out of several years' subscription, I have no patience with you. Why, man, paper and type, and leading articles and editorial services cost money, as well as beef- steak and potatoes and crackers and cheese, and I know what the butcher and grocer would say if you allowed them to deliver goods at your door for which you never expected to pay. "But," you say, "the publishers are not obliged to send me their paper." To be sure, but they are not so foolish as to stop its weekly visits, and throw away eight dollars which you owe for four years, 94 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. and so they keep sending you the paper and fre- quent duns as well, perhaps, to remind you of what you owe them. Some kinds of meanness are meaner than other kinds, but few kinds are more despicable than that of the man who goes to work systematically and deliberately to cheat his newspaper. You might claim, with some show of reason, that the beefsteak charged on your butcher's bill was too high, but the cheapest article that comes into your home is the good newspaper. That which would cost five hundred dollars to produce if only a single copy was made, you get for five cents, or perhaps for two, and yet you let it come every week, and refuse to pay the two cents at the end of the year. Then, again, this is the meanest kind of meanness, because you think you will not be exposed or disgraced in the eyes of your neigh- bors, you take advantage of your remoteness and supposed freedom from exposure to filch six or eight dollars out of the pockets of the publisher. Come, my friend, read the eighth commandment over again, and pay up like a man. Your friend, A. MOSSBACK. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 95 AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO MISS GRACE KINDHEART. Dear Friend : I have frequently thought of writing to you to express the admiration I have long had for your character. You have always supposed, I pre- sume, that I was such an old fogy that I never took any notice of the young ladies. But old fogies see what is going on, 1 assure you, and I have often remarked what a pleasant, good-natured expression your face habitually wears. I have never heard you laugh very loudly, and have rarely seen you giggle, but your face is like a ray of sunshine whenever I see you pass my window. ( I am sure it will not make you vain to have an old man tell you this.) Then, too, I have noticed how helpful you are at home, always as ready to aid the good mother as though the queen herself had given you a royal commission. Then, again, I have often seen you walking with your own brother, and apparently enjoying his company just as much as you would that of some other girl's brother. I know, also, how you went to see little Jennie Jones when she had the scarlet fever, and 96 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. no one else would go near her ; and how you fre- quently take a bunch of flowers to crippled Susie Smith ; and how you sometimes take care of Mrs. Brown's eleventh and last baby, so she can get out to church once in a while. Oh, yes! we old people keep our eyes open even when you do think we are half asleep ; and though you supposed no one ever knew about these things, you were very much mistaken. Let me tell you another thing, too, if the likeliest young man in town ever asks my advice in regard to the matrimonial venture, I shall tell him (you needn't blush) that he will be a very fortunate fel- low if he can ever win the love of Grace Kind- heart. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO MRS. ATTENTIVE. Dear Friend : I suppose you never will know, in this world, the good you have accomplished, but I think when THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 97 the angel opens the pearly gate to let you in, you will hear a sweet voice whispering in your ear, "You helped the minister preach his sermons, and you prevented many a disastrous failure in the prayer-meeting, and many a soul has entered these gates because your attentive eye saw what he needed and supplied the timely word." You will very likely be much surprised," like those peo- ple whom we read about in the 25th chapter of Matthew, and will wonderingly ask when you did all this. I will tell you, for there is no reason why a good soul like yourself should not have a "well done" in this life, as well as in the life to come. In the first place, your very attitude in church has helped your pastor a thousand times. Even in the hottest weather, when Dea. Snorer used to yield to Morpheus before the organ voluntary was over, and when Miss Peacock fluttered her fan in a most distracting way throughout the whole service, your pastor could always turn to you and see one pair of eyes fixed on him. You were never able to afford a conspicuous seat, and you thought that, as you sat back under the gallery, no one noticed you, but I assure you that 98 THE MOSSRACK COKRESPONDF.XCE. your pastor's eyes have very often sought your seat for the encouragement which your fixed at- tention and eager attitude have alvviys furnished. Then, too, you were always at the prayer-meet- ing, and brought the same blessed characteristic with you there. You knew what was going on. You had an appropriate verse of Scripture, or a poem, to take the place of the awkward pause which you instinctively felt was about to ensue. Then the way in which your kindly and atten- tive eye always detected the dangerous temptation to which Freddie Young was likely to yield, or the incipient flirtation which might ruin the life of Jennie Littlesense, and the way in which you guarded them from so many shoals, always filled me with gratitude that a few people go through life with their eyes open. Once more please accept the thanks of your old friend, A. MOSSBACK. THE MOSSIJACK COKKESPONDKNCE. QQ AN OPEN LETTER TO THE YOUNG MAN WHO IS ABOUT TO GET ENGAGED. My Dear Young Friend : I have had private but authentic information that you are about to become engaged, or, at least, about to "pop" the momentous question, which may result in an engagement. You may say that it is none of Mr. Mossback's business what you are about to do, but I think you will pardon a few words even on this delicate subject from an old man. In the first place, I congratulate you heart- ily if the young lady is, as you believe, the one girl in all the United States who can make you happy. There is nothing so good for a young man as to have a home of his own and a pretty wife to pour out his tea on the other side of the cosy supper-table if he gets the right girl to pre- side over his tea-table, — but not otherwise. I ad- mit that it sounds rather ungracious to insinuate even so much as a single "if" or "but" just here, yet it is a good deal better to put in the "if" or "but" now than to have it involuntarily insert it- 100 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. self by and by, after you have established that supper table. Is she kindly tempered and good-natured ? Does she treat her old father and mother with re- spect and her little brother with gentleness ? Does she sympathize with you in your tastes, at least, to some extent ? Is she " sugar and spice and all that's nice" only when you are in the room ? Did you ever overhear a sharp, petulant, quarrelsome voice issuing from her lips when she thought you didn't hear.!* Has she broken a score of hearts already ? Has she, metaphorically, a dozen lovers' scalps at her belt ? Does she like neighborhood tattle better than a good book ? These are rather cold-blooded questions to pro- pound to you in your present state of mind, I know, but this is the best time to ask them, and, if they can be answered satisfactorily, I think that the afore-mentioned cosy tea-table will be some- thing more than a bright picture of the imagina- tijn, one of these days. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. lOI AN OPEN LETTER TO THE YOUNG LADY WHO WILL SOON BE ASKED IN MARRIAGE. My Dear Young Friend ; As I said in my last letter, I have had private but authentic information that a certain young gentleman is about to ask a very important ques- tion. I have equally accurate news that you are the one who will have to answer the question. If the asking it is a matter of importance to him, answering it in the right way is a matter doubly important to you. That cosy tea-table which figures in both your imaginations, will probably fill a larger space in your life than in his, and it is a matter of supreme moment to you who sits on the other side of it. You are well acquainted with this man who is about to ask the important question, I understand. Very likely you have some premoni- tion of what is coming. When he called last Fri- day night you saw that he had something serious on his mind, and I shouldn't wonder if he got it off his mind when he calls next Friday night. I02 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. Let me presume upon the liberty of age and ask you two or three questions. Does the said young man have a shady reputation for honesty and straightforward dealing.? Does he ever drink.? Is his breath suspiciously redolent of cloves ? Does he ever apologetically smother an oath in your presence.? Has he a well-founded reputation of belonging to the "fast. set.?" Does he rather pride himself on being a **hard boy.?" Does he laugh at the prayer meeting .? Does he feel too big to go to Sunday school .? Does he refuse to go to church, but come sneaking around at the close of the service for the sake of going home with you.? If these questions must be truthfully answered in the affirmative, I hope that your answer to him will be spelled with two letters rather than with three. I would rather be single all my life, with only a black cat to love me, than have such an apology of a man for a husband. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. IO3 AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO REV. O. F. FISH. Dear Brother: I acknowledge your intellectual resources and your critical ability, and am not disposed to depre- ciate, in any degree, your admirable mental quali- ties ; but I do think your guns are pointed the wrong way. I rarely hear you preach or speak on temperance, for instance, but you spend most of your time in belaboring the W. C. T. U. for its sins of omission or commission ; or you get in a neat drive at the Sons of Temperance, or allude flippantly to the defunct Washingtonian move- ment. When missions is your theme, it is the unwisdom of existi ig agencies and the superior advantage of that ideal missionary society which you have inaugurated — on paper. If the Sunday school happens to be the burden of conversation, one would almost suppose that all the ills of lax family government, parental carelessness, unfilial behavior and ignorance of the Word of God and the doctrines of the church could be laid at the nursery door of the church. 104 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. Perhaps it is the younger brother of the Sun- day school, the Society of Chrirtian Endeavor, which is under discussion. You acknowledge that it seems to be doing a good work wherever tried, but you have discovered certain "tenden- cies" which alarm you; or you see an "entering wedge" somewhere lying about, which gives you concern (by the way, you always have a large assortment of " entering wedges " on hand) ; or yon have reason to believe that the leaders in the work are ambitious or self-seeking, and so you withhold your approval, and block the wheels so far as you can. Now, dear deluded brother, I beg of you to turn your guns the other way. What is the use of al- ways trying to make it hot for your own garrison, instead of for the enemy ? There are the rum- shops to fight. If you don't like the Christian Temperance Union methods, use your own ; but remember it is rum and the rum-shop and the rum-seller whom you have to oppose, instead of the temperance workers. If you don't like exist- ing missionary methods, by all means use your own methods, start your own society, send out your own missionary to do your own work in THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 10$ your own way ; but, in order to do that, it is not necessary to pu^l down the organization in which the rest of the church sees fit to work. You will not take it unkindly, I hope, if I remind you that the enemy which missionaries are attempting to fight is on the foreign field, not in your own church. The Sunday school is not yet a perfect institution, but it will not be any more perfect after you have tried to cripple it by assuring the world that it is a nuisance. The Christian En- deavor Society is doing the best it can to raise up a generation of outspoken, faithful young Chris- tians, loyal to Christ and the Church. If you have a better plan, by all means propose it, and I think it will very soon be adopted by the Chris- tian world. In fact, dear brother, the only trouble with you is that your battery points in the wrong direction. It is composed of excellent guns, they are well loaded with grape and canister, and you are an excellent marksman. Your mistake is only one of direction. Turn your guns about ; point them at your enemies and God's enemies, rather than at your friends and His friends. Very sincerely yours, A. MoSSBACK. I06 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. AN OPEN LETTER FROM MR. MOSSBACK TO BROTHER TIGHTFIST. Dear Brother: When the collector for foreign missions called upon you for your subscription the other day, I understand that you told her that it was quite pre- posterous to give so much money for a parcel of heathen in the middle of Africa. As for you, when you had any money to give, you were not going to send it so far away from home. Amer- ica \^as good enough for you and a good enough place in which to spend your money. By and by came the time for the home missionary collection and another solicitor asked you for your contri- bution for that purpose. You told him that home missions were all very well, but, as for you, you believed in the city missions, and you wished to see the dirty hoodlums around the church door converted before you sent your money off to Dakota. It was not long before the cause of city missions was presented and the good minister thought surely you would give largely to this cause ; but, what was his surprise, to find you had THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 10/ SO many poor relatives of your own that "you could not pretend to take care of other people's relatives," and then you quoted, with great unc- tion, the oft-perverted Scripture, "If a man pro- vide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." Of course the minister gave up all hopes of aid for city missions, but when he came to ask your relatives about the matter, he found that you were your own poorest relative, and that your own bank account swallowed up all the pennies you could get together. Now, dear brother, you think that you deceive the world and make people believe that you are generous by playing off these various causes one against another, but no one is deceived. It would be a good deal more honest and quite as well for your reputation if you should say frankly when the next collector comes to you : " I have nothing to give you. I want it all myself. I can't bear to have the money get out of my coffers. I am go- ing to hold on to it just as long as I can, and when I can no longer clutch it, I'll leave it for my heirs and the lawyers to quarrel over." That doesn't look so well on paper, but it has the ad- I08 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. vantage of being honest. It is hard to deceive your fellow-men, and still harder to deceive the angels. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. AN OPEN LETTER TO THE CHURCH COMMITTEE IN SEARCH OF A PASTOR. Dear Brethren : Your church, if I am not mistaken, is in a smart and growing town ; you have lately painted your church without and frescoed it within ; you can pay a salary of $1,900 and the parsonage, and you are in need of a pastor. You have my hearti- est sympathy in your search. If any body of men needs grace and wisdom, you are the men. There was Rev. Zaccheus Pusher, who thought he could grace your pulpit, and who prevailed upon his forty-seven personal friends to write you forty- seven personal letters extolling the said Rev. Zac- cheus to the skies. Had it not been for the mar- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. lOQ vellous spontaneity of these endorsements and the remarkable fact that they all came in the same week, Rev. Z. P. might now be your pastor ; but some things are altogether too spontaneous. Then there was Dr. Solomon Heavyweight, whose friends knew so much better than you did that he was "just the man" you needed for your church. Then the whole class in Jerusalem Seminary engaged your attention, but as the young lady who had so many beaux to choose between went through life unmarried, so, between all the very attractive young divines, it was difficult to choose, and you ended by taking none of them. At last, Rev. Horatius Rustler came along and preached two Sundays in your pnlpit and so captivated one portion of the audience that there seemed likely to be a serious split in the church when another portion, not liking his breezy style, voted against him and the call was lost by two votes. How- ever, common-sense and divine grace prevailed, and harmony ruled once more until Rev. Job Steadfast preached and reversed the order, pleas- ing most of those whom Rev. Mr. Rustler had not pleased. But again the call failed and again there was danger of division. And now two years have no THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. passed away and your poor church is apparently no nearer a settlement of the difficulty than it was when your good old pastor died. What shall you do? I think I can tell you. Pass a church vote to hear no more candidates. Then let a lar^e and wise committee, in whom the church has confidence, be chosen to obtain a pastor. There is some young man (or perhaps he is not so young) waiting in another parish or in the seminary for the Lord to open to him just such a church as yours. He is pious, earnest, able and humble, and he does not write to church com- mittees in his own behalf. Look up his record. Find out what he has done, how he has lived, how he has wrought and how he preaches. Then, if his record is good, call him and settle him over your church, if he will accept the call. Do not expect to get a Gabriel, and remember that if Gabriel should accept your call he would not feel at all at home in your parish. I have very little doubt that this modest man whom you will thus prayerfully and carefully select will be the very one for your distracted parish. Your friend, A. MoSSBACK. THE MOSSnACK CORRESPONDENCE. I I I AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MINISTER WHO IS LOOKING EOR A PARISH. Dear Brother : I know your tribulations full well, and I sympa- thize with you with all my heart. You have been in search of a pastorate for a year and three-quar- ters, and still you have not found it. I know your sterling qualities of mind and heart. You stood near the head of your class in college ; your seminary record is unquestionably good ; your ser- mons are full of "meat"; your heart is full of grace; your first pastorate was more than usually successful, and you left it through no fault of your own. Then you began candidating — what else could you do .? At Green Pasture, they had noth- ing against you, in fact, rather liked your sermons, but you were the first candidate they had had, and the committee decided that they must hear others for purposes of comparison. The result was that opinion in that church became hopelessly divided by this comparative process, and they are no nearer to a pastor to-day than you are to a parish. Then at Still Waters, on the contrary, where you 112 THE MOSSIiACK COKKKSI'UNDICN'CE. next preached, they had been making so many comparisons that you did not suit. To be sure, many liked you and wanted you, but those were the ones who did not like Rev. Mr. Rustler, and when your name came up, Mr. Rustler's friends rallied and defeated you. At Sleepy Hollow, the deaf old deacon who sat on the front seat com- plained that you did not speak loud enough, and he could not vote for you ; while at Metropolis- ville, rich Mrs. Nervine declared that you preached so loud that it made her "poor head snap," and she should have to withdraw her sub- scription if you were called. At Beacon Hill, your necktie unfortunately got out of kilter and offended the fastidious ; and at Junctiontown, your sermon was thought to reflect upon the can- didate for selectman, whose political actions, in spite of the fact that he hired a pew on the broad aisle, would hardly bear inspection. Now, dear brother, I know that you are patient and long-suf- fering, as well as earnest and able, but you cannot go on thus forever. Even your disposition will get soured. And yet your ill-fortune is due as little to the people to whom you have preached as to yourself ; it is the fault of the wretched candi- THE MOSSHACK COKRF.SPONDENCE. II3 dating system. If you do not turn Methodist and let the bishop manage the whole business, there is only one thing else to do. Take the first place that opens to you, however small the parish and meagre the salary. It may not be at all commen- surate with your gifts or education. Neverthe- less, take it; do conspicuously good work just there ; labor for those people as you would have labored for that church at Metropolisville, which did not call you ; preach every Sunday the best sermons that six days of hard bbor can furnish, and it will not be long before you are called to a wider field, and that church which wants a pastor, as much as you want a parish, will settle you, let us hope, for life. Your friend, A. MOSSBACK. MR. MOSSBACK'S VIEWS ON PRACTICAL SUBJECTS. MR. MOSSBACK'S VIEWS ON PRACTICAL SUBJECTS. THE BOOK AGENT. Next to the long-suffering mother-in-law, the book agent probably is made a target for more cheap wit of the average newspaper variety, than any other modern mortal. He may deserve some of the opprobrium that is cast upon him, for his persistence in the sale of his wares is not always of the gentle and winning variety, but after all we are inclined to consider him one of the benefac- tors of humanity. Subscription books, even if their contents are made to order, and their bind- ings are often cheap and glittering shoddy, are better than no books at all, and many a house in America would be as destitute of books as a Zulu's kraal were it not for the insinuating bland- ishments of the peripatetic bookseller. At any 117 Il8 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. rate, we are convinced that he is deserving of better treatment than he usually receives from the public. Suppose he does ring your door-bell, good housewife, when your hands are in the dough and your cakes are frying, he is at least worthy of a polite refusal, if ycu do not wish his wares, rather than a metaphorical slap in the face and an actual slam of the door. A poor fellow who was engaged in this business said to me the other day, ** I can stand it no longer. I have been so often abused and ill- treated and snubbed and all but kicked down the steps that it has actually made me sick. I am afraid to ring the door-bells any longer, my feel- ings have been so often hurt. I know of no other way to earn an honest living, but I cannot keep on at this business. If I wasn't a grown man, with a little of a man's pride left in me, I should go off and lie down and cry, as I sometimes did when a little boy." Very likely this was an ex- treme case of sensitiveness, but I am convinced that more than one, if equally frank, would con- fess to the same experience. I well remember a wealthy and distinguished physician, whom I once -'.iccrved as he was approached by a book agent, THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. I I9 with the usual well committed tale concerning his books. "I thank you," replied the gentleman (for he was a thorough gentleman), "I thank you for giving me this opportunity to buy your book, but I really am so busy to-day that I have not time to examine its merits. You must excuse me to-day." The book agent was so paralyzed by this unaccustomed treatment that he went away without another word. Similar treatment on the part of my readers may produce equally happy effects. WINGS BUT NO LEGS. It is Bishop Warburten, I believe, who says something like this : " A lie has wings but no legs. It cannot stand, but it is always ready to fly far and wide." How often this striking epi- gram has been proved true ! Lies intentional, and lies unintentional^ lies of ignorance, and lies of malice aforethought, they all have wings, and the more dastardly and despicable the lie the stronger its power of flight. They are like foul I20 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. night-birds, passing overhead in the darkness ; one hears only a dismal sound and sees not the things that utter it. No sensible or right-minded person gives any credence to an anonymous let- ter, but many a person will put full faith in an anonymous lie. "They say," with some, is almost equal to a sworn affidavit or the verdict of a jury. " Where there is so much smoke there must be some fire," is a favorite motto with many people who think themselves wondrous wise. But it is far from being universally true. The helplessness of the victim of an anonymous lie is often a piti- able, not to say pathetic, feature. He cannot fight it any more than he can fight the enveloping fog. It comes, no one knows whence, and goes, no one knows whither, but it stays long enough to weight the whole atmosphere with its unwhole- some presence, and to find its way into every household. No profession, perhaps, is so endan- gered by the anonymous lie as the ministerial. The fiendish men and women who start them know this very well, and are not slow to take advantage of this knowledge. A clergyman's good name once smirched, they know is forever smirched, and a lie that is easy to start may be THE MOSSIJACK CORRESPONDENCE. 121 impossible to refute. Every man owes it not only to his neighbor, but to himself, either to utterly disregard the scandalous rumor or to fol- low it up and prove its falsity or truth. Do not be deceived by the strength and breadth of its wing ; see if it has legs and can stand. THE BUZZ-SAW OF EXPERIENCE. "The buzz-saw of experience," sagely exclaims one of the secular papers, *' cuts off many thumbs and fingers before the green hands learn to respect its revolutions." This aphorism has many an application. The would-be dealer in stocks who aspires to be wise concerning "puts" and " calls " and "margins " and "futures " often realizes its truth, and finds that the buzz-saw of experience has made sad havoc with him, cutting him off. in fact, close to his thumbs. The pre- suming young man in society, after many a snub, learns to respect the social buzz-saw. The spread eagle orator, after flopping to the 122 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. earth with disabled pinions once or twice, learns that a certain oratorical buzz-saw keeps up with his loftiest flight, and clips his wings in a most cruel and unexpected way. But all these experi- ences are as nothing compared with that of him who tampers with the buzz-saw of dissipation. Alas ! alas for the young man who will not learn by the awful experience of the bleeding myriads who have been hacked and slaughtered by strong drink or licentiousness ! Most sad is this experi- ence, since even the pain and disgrace does not teach wisdom or keep the victim out of reach of the destroyer. The dealer in stocks, once victim- ized, usally learns caution ; the society beau does not often expose himself to ridicule the second time ; the public speaker, when he finds he can- not soar, is content to walk ; but the more the sharp teeth of dissipation cut, the more the victim rushes within their grasp, until, at last, there is nothing left even for dissipation to pierce and de- stroy. The buzz-saw of gambling and dishonest gain is equally direful. It is not content to cut off a thumb here, and a finger there, or even to hack off an arm or a leg, it cuts the whole man, body and soul. Woe unto the young man THE M03S13ACK CORKESPOxNDENCE. 1 23 who will not be warned by the experience of others, but who ventures to play with the very teeth of destruction. BANDAGING THE WRONG LEG. The story is going the rounds about the effi- cient young lady who had attended emergency lec- tures and studied nursing as a high art ; who, suddenly being called to put her newly-acquired knowledge into practice by a carriage accident, with an heroic soul, flew to the relief of the poor man who was injured, tore her skirt into frao-- ments, improvised certain splints, and bandaged his leg with the greatest celerity and skill. Her work was really scientific and admirable, but when the injured man was removed to the hospital, it was found that the sound leg was bandaged, and that the broken one had received no attention. Whether this story is strictly true will probably never be known by most of us, but to all intents and purposes it is true ; the wrong leg has been bandaged a thousand times. With the best inten- 124 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. tions possible and most kindly feelings, the well- meaning friend rushes to the rescue, only to seize the wrong member or to do his work so inconsid- erately that it is sure to be bunglingly done. The poor man who needs a word of encouragement to help him up from the ditch receives a large amount of good advice given in a caustic manner, which throws him back into the mire again, while the self-conceited, bumptious individual, whom a little plain talk would not harm, is patted on the back, and made more conceited than ever. The poor parson, who feels the need of greenbacks more than any other one thing, is presented with his nineteenth pair of slippers or with an orna- mented and highly-aesthetic coal-scuttle. The poor college, in whose empty treasury a penny would rattle, is left as poor as ever, while the rich university has tens of thousands continu- ally added to its millions. It would be quite to the advantage of all concerned if some people would not exhibit their generosity (bless their kind hearts) as they do ; but would make a careful examination to see which is the injured or needy member, and thus not so often bandage the wrong leg. THE M0SSI5ACK CURRESPONDKNCE. 125 MAKE THE BEST OF HIM. There is a good deal of philosophy in the re- mark of the old lady brought out by the wayward boy: "Well, there's something spiles us all." If this thought does not excuse the young scape- grace, it at least makes us more charitable toward him ; and, though some glaring fault or weakness may spoil his character, this very fact shows that there is something to spoil, and, consequently, something worth saving, if he is not wholly corrupt. It will never do to forget that this is a world of mixed good and evil. The saint is not often quite so white as his biographers paint him, nor the evil man quite so black as his photographers make him. Even Paul and Peter, good men as they both were, could have a grievous falling out, and David could commit a sin which seems unpardon- able to us, and Luther could be too hot-tempered, and Calvin could be implacable. While on the other hand, Esau, even in selling his birthright, had some generous impulses, and Saul had his lucid periods of repentance, and Henry the Eighth did something besides kill his wives, and Napo- 126 TlIK MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. Icon's record is not wholly made up of unjust bloodshed. No good man on this side of Jordon's flood is wholly good ; no bad man this side of the pit of perdition is wholly bad. These people of mixed motives, mixed impulses, mixed actions, are the men whom we must live with and work with and make the best of. In this last familiar phrase, " Make the best of them," we have the key to the situation. Not in the lazy, conventional sense of condoning and overlooking their faults, because it is too much trouble to correct them, but in the better sense of bringing out the best that there is in others, by our own gentleness and purity and sweetness, remembering our kinship with them even in their weaknesses and sins. LEARNING TO HOWL. It is an old Spanish proverb, I believe, " He who lives with wolves will soon learn to howl." He who lives with the faults of his friends, and counts them over and sorts them and weighs them THE MOSSRACK CORRESPONDENCE. 12/ and measures them, will soon have equally grave ones of his own, which his friends will be sure to see, and which will make him positively unable to cure them. There is nothing that so deteriorates character as this undue looking after faults and blemishes in others while we are blind to our own. We may abhor meanness and stinginess in our neighbor, and be able to give a hundred reasons why he should give away more in charity, and see many little things which indicate his smallness of soul, and at the same time we may be so en- grossed with one phase of meanness in him as to forget another phase of meanness in ourselves. We may abhor untruth so vehemently in some one else that we shall forget to hate impurity in our- selves. We may despise our neighbor for his sharpness and trickery, and spread over our own slackness and idleness and shiftlessness the cover- let of "Thank God, I'm not a sharper!" The idle, thriftless man can never reform the over- shrewd speculator ; the impure man can never lift the untruthful man out of the bog ; the gossip is not fit to cure the miser of his selfishness. There is only one way, after all, to reform the world. Not by learning to howl at its faults, or 128 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. to bark at its mistakes, but first to begin the work of reformation with ourselves. We come back inevitably to the old truth : " In order to make the best of others we must first make the best of ourselves." WATCH THE BRAKES, HOLD TIGHT REINS, START SLOW. A Short Ser7non To Yointg Men. I saw ;he above legend on a horse-car, the other day, over the driver's head. I suppose it was for the instruction of the driver, and yet it is not without its metaphorical significance for every young man. There is a sermon in a sentence, and here ai" the divisions. I St. " Watch the Brakes.'' Be sure that you not only have the power to go, but the power to stop going. Every well-regulated life has a brake as well as a driving-wheel. The driver who can- not stop his car at the desired crossing is quite as helpless as the one who cannot start his horses. A friend once told us that one of the most dis- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 29 tressing moments of his life was when he o-ot started down a very long, steep hill, where there was no tree or bush to break his descent, and down which he was obliged to rush, with ever increasing speed until he reached the foot. Yet he only faintly typifies many a young man on the moral downward grade, who has lost control of the brakes. 2d. My second head, young brethren, is, ''Hold Tight Rehisy Hold tight reins on pas- sion, on pride, on love of acquisition, on extrava- gance, on ambition. They are all good servants, if you keep them where they belong, harnessed in subjection to a high moral purpose and Christian devotion. They are terrible masters, if they take the bits in their mouth, and get beyond your control. 3d. The third division of my sermon, dear young friends, is, ''Start Slowr To start the horses on a gallop is not only cruel to them, but it shakes up the passengers, and very likely will jolt the car off the track. There is time enough to reach the end of the route, and keep up with the schedule. There is no reason why you should start life in a brown-stone house with six servants. 130 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. Your father did not start in this way. If he had, he would not be living where he is now. There is no reason why you should be worth a hundred thou- sand dollars at the end of the first year in busi- ness. As many a presidential candidate knows to his sorrow, the ''early'' boom often kills the best chance. The one who starts slow often wins the prize. THE SIGHER AND GROANER. She is a very unpleasant person to have about. I beg the ladies' pardon for using the feminine pronoun, since she may belong to either sex, but is a little more likely to belong to the sex that neither votes nor crows. If she is a man, she is apt to become a growler and grumbler, who, per- haps, is quite as bad in his way as a sigher and groaner. If the aforementioned sigher and groan- er is found in the home, she is decidedly more depressing than a gloomy "spell of weather." Like the contentious woman, with whom Solomon was so well acquainted, she is a continual drop- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. I3I ping on a very rainy day. Mrs. Gummidge is very entertaining in Dickens' pages, but decidedly the reverse when she is found in the family circle. She distributes the moist gloom of her teary sighs over the whole household. Even the small boy cannot resist the depressing influence, and can only express his feelings and let off his repressed emotions by a few extra capers in the back yard. When he grows a little larger, alas ! he escapes the heavy atmosphere of such a home, too often, by entering the saloon or the brothel. If the sigher and groaner happens to be found in a business office, as clerk or saleswoman, you would think that all the weight of a vast business rested upon her shoulders. A little unusual labor, and the sighs and groans are brought into requisition to make others miserable and show herself an overworked martyr. Dear sigher and groaner, your little scheme does not wear v;cll. It soon becomes threadbare. No one will pity ycu any the more, or love you half so well, for this respira Ty exhibition of your woes. After a while it excites only contempt. Do your duty cheerfully, bear your burden hap- pily. The sighs and groans and the discontent 132 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. which they express only add to life's trouble, and make your own burden and that of other people more grievous to be borne. STUFFING A DEAD HORNET. A wise saying of Josh Billings was, " Thare iz no more real satisfackshun in laying up in yure buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at." This is just as true as though Plato or Socrates had expressed it in classic phrase. How many people have a large and varied and exceedingly unpleasant assortment of these stuffed hornets on hand. There is an old church quarrel for in- stance. It was dead and ought to have been buried twenty years ago, but half the church mem- bers have stuffed the old dead hornets, and keep them to look at from time to time. There is our old personal grievance ! Sombody slighted us, did not return our greeting, uttered a disparaging remark about our ability, interfered with our busi- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 33 ness success, beat us in politics when we ran for alderman ! That happened long ago ? Oh, yes, but the hornet which stung us so badly has been stuffed and set up by a skilful taxidermist, and, really, after the lapse of all these years, looks just as natural as ever. One evil thing is, that these hornets, though dead, retain their sting. This is just about as sharp as when first it pierced us, and, by looking at the stuffed insect, we recall the old pain. What is the " satisfackshun," as Josh Billings calls it, in laying up in one's memory a dead in- jury that should have been buried out of sight when it died ? THE EVOLUTION OF THE TEAKETTLE. I have an impression that an admirable lecture might be written on the above subject, by one who had the time and ability to devote to it. There speeds the railway train flying along its iron highway at the rate of a mile a minute, yet it is moved by the same power — intensified, rein- 134 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. forced and harnessed down — that Hfts the lid of the teakettle. There again is the modern mammoth, the steamship, ploughing its way through the yield- ing water, almost as rapidly, bridging the conti- nents in six days, and yet its motive power is the same that sings the song of the teakettle. For generations before James Watt was born, the ket- tle sung upon the hob, but the ages were waiting for the teakettle and James Watt to come to- gether. It is altogether probable that some equally homely and commonplace article is wait- ing until the full time shall come to teach the world an equally useful lesson. Another thing that I learn from the teakettle is, that Providence is never in a hurry. It can always wait for James Watt to be born and grow up. The inventions that have revolutionized the world have none of them come before they were needed. When the new world was discovered and had begun to be peopled, when trade and commerce had outgrown their early swaddling- clothes, when a new force was needed to do the rapidly increasing work of the world, then came the new power to supplement the insufficient THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 35 brawn and sinew of man and beast. But I need not pursue these thoughts further. I would rec- ommend to each reader to listen to the song of the teakettle. Then let him do his own mor- alizing. THE SENSE OF HUMOR. It is a vast misfortune if the sense of humor is left out of one's composition. Everything be- comes distorted to the man who never allows the sidelight of humor to wrinkle the corner of his eyes, or to draw up the corner of his mouth. The lack of this sense prevents a correct judgment of men and matters, and is especially characteristic of narrow and provincial minds, even though they may be sharp and intense in some directions. Matthew Arnold, unable to understand the humorous persiflage of certain Western papers, and making up his mind, in consequence, that America is the home of braggart Philistines, is a conspicuous example of this unfortunate lack. 136 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. Many a controversy is made bitter and acrimoni- ous because a remark that was at first made with the twinkle of the eye, or a quizzical expression that was both commentary and glossary, is repeated, or read, without these accessories, and sounds brutal and cold-blooded. An editor is especially likely to be thus mis- judged, for since his utterances are read by scores of thousands, he will be sure to be misunderstood, unless he deals simply in plain facts and didactic remarks thereon, or else makes his jokes as ob- vious as a patent medicine advertisement on the side of a barn. Well, there is nothing for him to do but to be misunderstood occasionally, or else to draw a long face, and use a dull pen, since he can- not send out a skilful practitioner with every copy of his paper, to perform the surgical operation that is sometimes necessary, nor can he ever tell with just which copy of the paper it is necessary to send the surgeon. I hear much about a sixth sense which is being slowly developed, though there is a difference of opinion as to what this shall be called. How would it do to add to the familiar five, the sense of humor? THE MOSSDACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 37 THE POMPOUS MAN. There he goes along the street now ! I do not know his name, but think I can tell you some- thing about him, nevertheless. His gait reveals his character. Some people think you can tell a man's character by his handwriting ; I think you can tell far more about him by his walk. In the most literal sense, a man's "walk and conver- sation" are indicative of his character. His Pom- posity often wears good clothes and a hat perched a trifle on one side, and as he swings along the street, with a condescending nod occasionally be- stowed to the right or to the left, you feel sure that he says to himself, "What a fine figure I am cutting! " Well, such a man would be hardly worth hold- ing up to ridicule were it not for certain base moral qualities which usually go with this out- ward show. It is needless to say that such a man lacks the first Christian grace — humility ; he is always thinking of himself " more highly than he ought to think," and if all the world does not share his opinion, he is apt to dislike all the 138 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. world. If he happens to belong to the church, he is very sure to believe that his brethren and sis- ters do not appreciate him, and soon, very likely, becomes an Ishmaelite, wandering about from one church to another, each of which strangely refuses to recognize his wonderful gifts. For the same reason he is likely to become a turncoat in poli- tics, it is so difficult to find any political party that recognizes him at his own value, and he be- comes disliked and unpopular wherever he is known. If the pompous man could only buy him- self at his neighbor's valuation and sell himself at his own, he would immediately amass a large for- tune, but there is no danger of his becoming rich in this way. MEAN STREAKS. Some very good people, in a general way, have their virtues quite overbalanced by a certain mean fibre of disposition or character which runs through their lives. They may be entirely uncon- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 39 scious of the "mean streak " ; in fact, they f^ener- ally are, but their friends are in no way oblivious to it. It is like a horrid discord in the midst of sweet harmony, an acrid taste in luscious fruit, an unsightly object in a beautiful landscape. It spoils, or, at least, greatly injures, all the rest, which would otherwise be admirable. Some- times this mean streak is a lack of generosity, sometimes it is a lack of charity, quite as often as otherwise it is an ill-natured tongue, a tongue that delights to speak sharp words, or galling words, or, in some way, to plant a thorn in another's pillow, by reminding him of some defect or mischance. Very likely this same thorn- planter may have a most lovely smile, she may be really benevolent to the natives of Borrioboola Gha. She may even be ready to watch with a friend in sickness, or sympathize when real trou- ble comes, but she cannot restrain the cuttina: remark, she cannot forbear to give the timely "dig," she unmercifully rejoices in a kind of moral (or immoral) pin sticking. Most of us are anxious and careful to have our characters rieht in the main; let us be equally mindful of the mean streaks. 140 TITE M0SS15ACK CORRESPONDENCE. IF. "He would make a capital preacher //he would drop that mannerism." "He would be a fine lecturer //"he had a different voice." " He would make a most excellent teacher if ha had a more commanding presence." How often we hear such remarks made, and how futile they are ! There is an "if" about every man who lives in this imper- fect world. Such remarks, when simmered down to their real meaning, often are as tautological as though one said, " Such and such a one would be perfect if h.c were only perfect." Or, "In such another character little would be left to be desired //"he were only an angel." To be sure, dear critic, there is very little doubt about this proposition, and there is as little that is novel or startling about it. Very likely you, yourself, will be im- proved when you are so happy as to reach the fields Elysian. Remember, too, that these "ifs" stand often for individuality of character. The "if" differentiates the man from the common herd, and uniformity and conventionality would be gained at the expense of originality and power. TIIK MOSSBACK CORRKSPONDENCE. 141 Do not find so much fault with the mannerism of your minister. It may be only the unfortunate manifestation of real ability. Take away that "'if " and you would lose not a little of the man. In fact, few men would be good for much were there not in their lives an "if" of this sort at which the carping world might croak ANOTHER KIND OF "IF." There is another kind of an "if" which usually relates not to the mere externals and mannerisms of the man, but to his moral character which must be treated in a very different way. It is worse to cover up serious defects with an "if" than it is to exaggerate trifling idiosyncrasies by the use of the same little word. Yet it is done quite as often. " He would be a fine fellow, if he would only let Hquor alone." But ah! he will not let liquor alone, and he is very far from being a fine fellow, "He would be a capital companion, ifyow could only believe what he says." But alas! he is a 142 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. confirmed liar, and his is a false and despicable character ; he is anything but a capital companion. "He would be such a gentleman, if ho. only wasn't such a rake." But if he is a rake he can never be a gentleman. There is no such thing as making a fine fellow out of a drunkard, or a capital com panion out of a liar, or a gentleman out of a rake. There is much more than a single "if" between such characters — they are diametrically opposed. The aev^il himself is popularly supposed to have some admirable qualities, such as industry and perseverance, but these make him none the less a demon, but only the more fiendish. The fact is, all such moral defects, which are not merely sur- face idiosyncrasies, but matters of the heart and character, eat into and eat out the life of the whole man. They are not pimples on the skin, which in a kind-hearted observer should excite no remark ; they are indications of rottenness and disease in the very heart. We do a wrong to society, and especially to youth, when we mini- mize and gloss over such defects. We should never speak of them as the peculiarities of a "good fellow" or a "gentleman." THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 143 THAT EMBARRASSING QUESTION. " Don't you know who I am ? " "Ahem! yes, really, I ought to know you; bad memory for names," etc. How often the above little dialogue has been repeated ! Do have mercy, dear reader, upon the poor man who cannot recollect your name, and do not put him on the rack. He does not know or love you any less, simply because he cannot call you by your patronymic, and he will be likely to love you a good deal better in the future, if you don't ask him that question. You compel him to show either a seeming rude forgetfulness, or tempt him to prevaricate and deceive, by saying, " Oh, ah yes ! why, how do you do .? " He will probably excuse this deception to his own conscience by making himself believe that he remembers having seen you somewhere and some- time in the past. Then he will strain his ears and ask numerous leading questions, until he has found out your name ; but, really, it is cruel to make him suffer so. " Let me see, how do you 144 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. spell your name?" said one man, who was thus put on the rack, to his inquisitor. "I spell it J-o-n-e-s," was the freezing reply, which swept like a Dakota blizzard across the path of conversation. The more excellent way, when you thus ap- proach a casual acquaintance, is to pity his defect- ive memory, and say, " How do you do } I am very glad to see you again. My name is Jones, and I met you year before last, on Broadway, near the Battery." "WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD.? >> Another question which no sane man should ever ask is the one which stands at the head of this article. It is not only embarrassing, but it is meaningless ; in fact, it is embarrassing, be- cause it is senseless. If you wish to know what the news is, why not ask the question ? If you wish to know how your friend is, why not say, "How do you do.-*" But what in the world is the poor fellow to say when you ask him " What's the good word.?" THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 45 With few exceptions all words are good, if used in proper connections. There is hardly any an- swer that can be given to this interrogatory which is not as inane and senseless as the question it- self. What shall your friend say.? "I don't know." "Pretty well, I thank you." "About as usual." He is very apt to make one of the above incon- gruous replies, simply because your question gives him no scope for an intelligent answer. The only way I know to treat you, my friend, is to get ahead of you, and when I next see you coming, I shall have my mouth open and all ready to plump at you the question, " What's the good word.?" KEEPING THE WINDOWS CLEAN. I often see, as I walk along the city streets early in the morning, the boys busy with sponge and polishing powder cleaning the windows pre- paratory to the day's shopping. The larger and handsomer the window the more pains, I notice, 146 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. is taken to make it as transparent and flawless as soap and water and vigorous work can make it. So, also, if the goods behind the window are par- ticularly rich and elegant, the window-cleaner puts to more strength, that no speck or foul spot may prevent their being seen to the best advan- tage. How many of us might learn a lesson from the shopkeepers ! How little pains we take to have the windows through which men look in upon our lives speckless ! Many scholars, erudite and learned, are never able to give utterance to their knowledge, and the world is none the wiser for what they know. One whose whole soul glows with oratorical fire cannot convince an audi- ence by "dumb oratory." Many a Christian whose heart, at times, seems filled with the love of God, always has an impenetrable curtain be- tween his neighbors and friends and his own re- ligious life. People have an impression that within the light-house tower the light is shining, but it is a veiled light. Or, worse still, the win- dow of his soul is befouled and soiled with the flecks of a worldly life, or the passing teams of a sharp competition have spattered it with the mud of business rivalry, and these specks on the win- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 14/ dow only are seen, and not the rich treasure of mind and soul that lie behind. There is a duty devolving upon every Christian, not only to see that his heart is right, but that the windows through which the world looks in upon him are clear and transparent. TRUE POLITENESS. True politeness, after all, is a matter of the heart rather than of conventionalities. It can never be learned from books of etiquette , and the dancing master is no more likely to be able to possess it, or to teach it than the coal heaver. A youth clad in patent leather pumps and the tightest of well-fitting kids may be far more rude and impolite than the country bumkin with hay- seed in his hair. In fact, he is more likely to be the real bore, since he has been all his life on the wrong tack, polishing the outside and letting the inside go foul and neglected. You cannot make a brass coal-scuttle into a silver vase by rubbing the outside with silver polish. This is a mistake 148 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. which many of our young people make. They think if they can only learn some of the tricks and conventionalities of society, if they study one of those most useless of all volumes, called books of etiquette, and learn to eat with their forks, and pick up a lady's handkerchief, and carry an immense and knobby silver-headed cane grace- fully, then their education is complete, and they are ready to graduate from the school of polite society. No ide:: could be more false or silly. They have not learned the alphabet of true polite- ness. There is something more to a gentleman than a gloved hand, and a polished shoe, and immaculate coat, and a suave manner. No per- son can be truly polite who is not a lady or gen- tleman at heart, who is not ready at all times to do a kind deed for others, out of a genuine inter- est in and regard for them. Such a person will be just as polite to the weary old grandmother of fourscore as to the blooming damsel of onescore ; in fact, he will be more polite, since the aged one more needs his kindly attention and interest. Neither Lord Chesterfield nor Beau Brummell is the true type of the gentleman, but rather, Mr. Greatheart, or one of the Cherrible brothers. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 49 THE ANXIETY DEPARTMENT. "I do not need to do any worrying in this life," said one friend, good-naturedly, to another ; " my wife attends to the anxiety department in our household." I am quite sure that this particular friend does not suffer, but I have an impression that in many households this "anxiety depart- ment" is overfilled. Worrying, if indulged, gets to be a passion, and, just as some persons, with unconscious irony, say they ''enjoy poor health," so there are others who are never quite happy unless they are miserable over some real or imag- inary trouble. If they only made themselves miserable it would not be of so much consequence; but the fact is, they frequently succeed in annoying and exasperating other people who do not enjoy being miserable. There is no pleasure in worrying all by one's self. Somebody else must be dragged into the anxious circle to make the enjoyment complete. Another unfortunate thing about this anxiety department — it is constantly enlarging. It begins, perhaps, with the baby's croup, but 150 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. it extends its domain, until it takes in all the chil- dren a;id the husband and servants and the whole neighborhood ; so that neighbor Jones cannot hang out her clothes on Tuesday, instead of Mon- day, and neighbor Brown cannot go out to the barn ten minutes later in the morning than is his wont, without giving occasion for anxiety and remark. I acknowledge that undue anxiety is often but an excrescence on other most admirable qualities — care and thoughtfulness, and loving self-sacrifice — but, on that account, it is even the more to be avoided ; a flaw in an otherwise per- fect gem is the more noticeable. Let us curtail the anxiety department. MAKE YOUR WIFE YOUR BAR-KEEPER. One of the best, as well as one of the shortest, temperance lectures I ever read is the following from an address once delivered by C. T. Camp- bell, at Maysville, Kentucky : " Bar-keepers in this city pay, on an average, $2 per gallon for whiskey. One gallon contains an THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 151 average of sixty-five drinks, and at ten cents a drink, the poor man pays $6.50 per gallon for his whiskey. In other words, he pays $2 for the whiskey and $4.50 to a man for handing it over the bar. "Make your wife your bar-keeper. Lend her two dollars to buy a gallon of whiskey for a be- ginning, and every time you want a drink, go to her and pay her ten cents for it. By the time you have drank a gallon, she will have ^6.50, or enough money to refund the $2 borrowed of you> to pay for another gallon of liquor, and have a balance of $2.50. She will be able to conduct future operations on her own capital, and when you become an inebriate, unable to support your- self, shunned and despised by all respectable per- sons, your wife will have enough money to keep you until you get ready to fill a drunkard's grave." IN FAVOR OF RUTS. No more solemn thought can come to the young person, who ever takes the trouble to think at all, than that contained in the fact of the 152 THE MOSSIJACK CORRESPONDENCE. inevitable tendency which every human being de- velops to deepen the lines of the character with which he starts in life. As surely as the drop- ping water wears away the stone, do the passing years groove our lives into well-worn ruts. He who may have the greatest horror of ruts, and who resolves that he will be original, even if he is odd and outre in attaining originality, gets into ruts which are all the more disagreeable because they are original. As some one has said, " There is something to be said even in favor of ruts. Rut is nearly allied to route." A rut is not so bad, after all, if it is smooth and easily travelled, and leads to a good goal. What we need to re- member is the importance of having our rut lead in the right direction. If our rut is only duty, made easy and smooth by constant repetitions ; if it is generosity and truth and purity, love to God and fellowman become a second nature ; we need not fear wearing too deeply these grooves through which flow all right affections. One can scarcely do a thing well until he does it half unconscious- ly. The apprentice sweats and fumes over his work, and then boggles it. The master-workman hardly realizes that he is handling his tools, but THE MOSSIiACK CORRESPONDENCE. I 53 never makes a mistake. Don't be so much afraid of ruts, young friends, as of getting into the wrong rut. MONSTROSITIES OF GRACE. The child was never born who, at the age of two years, could reason about philosophy and talk of physics and metaphysics, who could quote Aris- totle and discuss the merits of the Baconian sys- tem. Should we see such a child we should con- sider it a monstrosity and be very unpleasantly impressed by such unnatural precocity. Let us remember that God makes as few monstrosities in the realm of grace as in the realm of nature. He does not make unnaturally precocious Christians any more than unnaturally precocious children. It would be unnatural, not to say absurd, for a Chris- tian of a week to say with the aged Paul : " I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith ; henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of glory." But it is perfectly natural and fitting for him to ask, "What wilt 154 '^'"E MOSSHACK CORRESPONDENCE. Thou have me to do?" Too many of us desire to be prodigies, or even monstrosities, and some are never willing to begin to grow becaus' they can- not become full grown in an hour. We must learn the deep philosophy of Christ's words, " Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child he shall not enter therein." Wc must be content to be children in Christ before we can be grown men in Him. We must be will- ing to creep before we can walk. He who would penetrate the mysteries hid from the foundation of the world must first take pains to learn the alphabet of Christian living. The only place for prodigies and monstrosities is a dime museum ; there is little room for them in common life and still less in the Christian life, and in the realm of spiritual things. MANHOOD TO THE SQUARE INCH. "There is more manhood to the square inch in the young man who swings the scythe in the mea- dow than in the one who dawdles a cane on the THE MOSSBACK tOKRESPONDENCE. 1 55 boulcvardc," sagely remarked a wise speaker at a recent gathering. His aphorism contains more than enough salt to keep it sweet. There is no great objection to the dude considered simply as such. Often he is not positively vicious. He is too busy considering the cut of his waistcoat and the width of his trowser-legs and the shape of his finger-nails and the polish of hie shoes to have much time or brain to spare for real upright or downright villainy. In one aspect he is a very harmless individual, and, as in the case of the cel- ebrated Mr. Toots, what he does and says is of "no consequence." In another aspect, however, his advent among us is portentous and baleful, and just so far as he is admired and imitated by American youth, a lack of moral fibre and a degeneration of American stock is indicated. In the graphic words of the speaker whose sentence stands at the beginning of this article, " He has very little manhood^'to the square inch." Think of young Abraham Lincoln in a loud suit of checked goods, a flashy necktie and a monocle, tipping his hat back so as to show a straggling curl beneath the rim! Think of Ben Franklin, accompanied by a great dog (in dude vernacular a 156 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. "piirp"), sticking his elbows out at right angles to his person and swaggering down Washington street or Broadway ! The very incongruity of associating such manners with men of serious and earnest purpose shows how diametrically opposed to real earnestness are such characteristics ; in fact, how little manhood there is about them. As a disease, dudism, while it is held up to con- stant ridicule, may not be alarming ; as a symp- tom of prevailing and increasing effeminacy and lack of manly character, it may be no trifle. What young Americans need to cultivate, is "more manhood to the square inch." SLAMMING THE DOOR. A suggestive little squib, with a moral, is going the rounds of the papers. Bessie and Willie over- hear a quarrel between their parents. " Which of them is getting the worst of it .? " asks Bessie. " I don't know )et," answers Willie; "I am just wait- ing to see which of them will slam the door going out. " Willie had found a better and more univcr- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 57 sal test of human frailty than he knew. The man who gets the worst of it usually slams the door. To "get mad" is not only a sign of weakness, but a sign of defeat as well. The successful person can afford to keep his temper and wait for time to vindicate his course. Some people slam the door in the newspaper with a vicious, ill-tempered arti- cle. It helps their cause not one whit, but indi- cates that they have had recourse to a defeated man's last resort, an ill-natured fling. Others metaphorically slam the church door. They get angry with a brother member, call him names, provoke a quarrel, and perhaps a serious division results. The man who has a good cause can af- ford to be patient. He can meet his enemies' arguments, if it is worth while, or he can let them go for old Father Time to bury in oblivion. He is not greatly ruffled or annoyed even by slander and abuse, for he knows that a barking dog is es- timated pretty accurately at his true value in this practical world, and that the best poultice for the wounds caused by hard words is silence. Noth- ing is gained by slamming the door. The angry man forgets that his opponent's fingers are not in the crack of the door and that the sound neither 158 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. hurts him nor destroys his arguments nor heals the pain he has inflicted, but only serves to make the slammer ridiculous and indicates that he is worsted in the combat. SO LIKE THEMSELVES. I frequently hear it remarked, " How much this man is like Mr. So-and-so!'^ "That boy is very like his father!" etc. I do not so often hear it said, "How much he acts like himself!" and yet, in this seemingly self-evident remark there is a profound truth. The boy is not only father of the man, the boy is the man, and the man is the boy. The boy often looks very unlike the man ; but there is a subtle chara.'er resemblance, which the years cannot efface. This continuity of per- sonality, if I may so express it, is illustrated in a hundred trivial ways. Here is one man who is always five minutes late in coming into church, never any earlier, and rarely any later. There is THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 59 no conceivable reason why he should not be on time, once in a while at least, or why he should not sometimes be ten minutes late, instead of five. But he never is. Here is another good brother who is always in his seat five minutes before the organ sounds its first note, and we should about as soon expect to find the old church overturned and dancing on its spire, as to know him to be late. We do not need to see a friend's features in order to recognize him. His gait, the back of his head, the peculiar wrinkles in his old coat, have all contracted something of his personality. They are all ''like him'\ If we move away from our boy- hood's home and come back after twoscore years, there is the old man with gray locks and wrinkled brow, but the same man whom we left forty years ago, thriftless or thrifty, miserly or generous, prompt or tardy, neat or slovenly, as he was then. The lines of character are more deeply graven, that is all ; for men at every period of their lives are so much like themselves. If the acts of one year had no influence in the next, if we really began anew with the new year, these considera- tions would be of comparatively little importance ; l6o THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. but this continuity of life, this influence of the present upon the future, and of the past upon the present, this freights the acts of every day with a vast significance. GAG — BY WELL-DOING. In his second letter, Peter gives the Christians of his day some most excellent advice when he tells them to put to silence by well-doing the igno- rance of foolish men. More literally translated, his advice reads : " For this is the will of God that by your well-doing ye should gag the stolid ignorance of foolish persons." In fact, this kind of a gag is the only weapon, offensive, or defen- sive, which Christianity has ever successfully used against its enemies. "Christianity is running down and running out," say these enemies. "It is a mass of superstitions. Its only object is to scare men into false pretences. Its ministers are corrupt, its laymen are hypocrites and its Sunday THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. l6l school superintendents have fled to Canada." So the infidel talks, while Christianity goes calmly on its way, gagging, by its good deeds and its benefi- cent influence, this stolid ignorance of its fool- ish decriers. Every hospital built by Christian charity, and very few have not thus been built, is a gag in the mouth of infidelity. Every mission- ary society, and every dollar given to missions, gag U\G charge that Christians are wholly selfish and self-seeking. All the charitable organizations and evangelistic agencies with which our country abounds, gag the charge that a Christian cares nothing for his neighbor, so long as his own little soul is saved. Every earnest prayer-meeting gags the charge that there is no more fellowship and brotherhood between professed Christians than between any other body of men. Every triumph- ant death-bed scene, every reaching forth and hastening unto the glory that shall be revealed, gags the charge that there is nothing in the re- ligion of Christ to sooth and comfort, nothing but an appeal to supernatural fears of eternal woe. Here is a suggestion to be applied to personal slander and detraction. We shall all meet with it sooner or later. Idle gossips will tell tales. The 1 62 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. best -intended actions will be perverted. Our mo- tives will be questioned. Does any one say that he has a persistent enemy who is continually slan- dering him .'* Gag that slanderer. It is the Bible rule. As the burglar puts a pad in his vic- tim's mouth, so that he cannot cry out, thus should we treat our slanderer, only gag him ac- cording to the Scripture method — with good deeds. Talk little in refutation of what he says, unless silence will be construed as an admission of his charges ; but go about daily business to- morrow light-heartedly and cheerfully ; earn hon- est repose by honest work ; do unto others as you would that they should do to you ; speak kindly and charitably of every one, even of that slanderer ; indulge in no sneers or flings ; let every action be honorable and above-board ; be generous and sym- pathetic and kind, and, before this year upon which we have entered has come to an end, there will be a gag in that enemy's mouth so large that he can never utter another harmful slander against you. THE MOSS13ACK CORRESPONDENCE. 163 THE GIFT OF DISCONTINUANCE. A Short Sermou Out of Church. Beloved brethren and sisters, the doctrine of the saints' perseverance affords much comfort to the Calvinist, and the grace of continuance is fre- quently urged by Calvinist and Arminian alike, but I have to urge upon you to day the grace of discontinuance. My first head relateth to the prayer-meeting, where this grace peculiarly need- eth to be exercised. It is far better to say one th ng and stop before remarking, "This reminds me," than it is to be reminded of so many things that at length the clock reminds the audience that it is high time for you to be reminded of nothing further. It is not at all necessary to expound a whole body of divinity in every prayer-meeting, or even to elucidate exhaustively a difficult passage of Holy Writ, and, as for informing the Lord in public prayer so minutely concerning all mundane things, it is much better to ask for one thing that you really want and then have done. My second division relateth to the pulpit. Here, too, is an excellent place for the exercise of 164 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. this rare gift. If, as high authority puttcth it, few souls have been converted after the first half- hour of the sermon, would it not be better to stop then and use that excellent and eloquent perora- tion the next time? Thirdly, beloved friends, my theme has refer- ence to the platform, where this grace has great need of exemplification. Many of us (I use the pronoun in the first person by way of confession with sorrow and regret) who would not filch an- other's pocket-book, or even abstract his handker- chief, have been sadly wanting in conscience about stealing the time of the poor man who follows us on the programme. If we have no regard for a long-suffering audi- ence, let us hereafter have pity on the man who makes the last speech of the evening, and discon- tinue our own remarks while yet a fraction of the attention of the wearied audience can be accorded to him. And now, dearly beloved, my application shall be an exhortation which illustrates our theme. Let us always and everywhere stop when we get through. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. l6$ CONCERNING OVERCOATS. Another Short Sermon Out of Church. Paul, my beloved brethren, had something to say to his friends about the cloak he had left at Troas. If he had lived in America he would have worn an overcoat, and we do not see why we may not preach a short sermon on the overcoat. Not the overcoat that was left at Troas, but the one you brought to church last Sunday You took it off during the first singing and you carefully put it on during the singing of the last hymn, and at the same time you struggled into your overshoes and stood up your umbrella in a convenient posi- tion to grab when the benediction should be pro- nounced. Now, beloved brethren, this overcoat is no^ only an outer garment, but it is a stumbling-block as well. In the first place, it destroys the appear- ance of reverence which I know you feel in your inmost heart for the house and worship of God. There is no more reason why you should use the time devoted to the closing hymn for dressing than the time devoted to reading the text. One 1 66 THE MOSSHACK CORRESPONDENCE. is just as much a part of the worship as the other. In the second place, the overcoat distracts the attention of others. One can hardly follow the closing prayer or join in the blessing with which the service closes, if his neighbor is shuffling into a pair of tight-fitting rubbers, or throwing his arms about like a windmill, in his efforts to get into a refractory overcoat. In the third place, dearly beloved, you really save very little time by any such haste. You will not get home more than eight-tenths of a minute later by waiting with bowed head in rever- ent pause, after the benediction is pronounced, before putting on that outer garment. And now, dear brethren, I v/ill bring my short homily to a close by begging you to leave that overcoat undisturbed until the service is wholly finished, and the time has come to depart from the house of God POLITENESS AS A NATIONAL TRAIT. Politeness will never become thoroughly accli- mated in America until rudeness, brusqueness THE MOSSIJACK CORKESl'ONDENCE. 1 6/ and exhibitions of anger come under the social ban, and impoliteness is considered "bad form." Even religion would find a powerful auxiliary in fashion if the fashion set the right way. Some semi-civilized and comparatively unenlightened nations have much to teach us in this respect. For instance, we are not inclined to place Japan in the same rank with America, and we are fain to believe that there is not so much purity, intelli- gence, or sturdy virtue, there as here, but, in many respects, America might well go to school to Japan. A missionary who is connected with a large girls' school in that land, writing home, says, " I have not heard a single girl complain. Indeed, I ought to say right here that the Japan- ese consider it very much out of character to show the least temper. Even under great provocation, I have yet to see an angry man, woman, or child, in Japan. I presume they do get angry, for they are very human, but they do not show it very often." What teacher in a boarding-school in America, either for boys or girls, could say as much .-* To be polite, kind and gentle for conventional reasons is not, to be sure, to appeal to the highest 1 68 THE MOSSBACK CORKESrONDENCE. motive, but it is an auxiliary motive worth con- sidering. When Americans have crystallized into the American, and the national type becomes more fixed and permanent, let us hope that one distinguishing mark will be greater suavity^ urbanity and politeness. A lurking suspicion remains in the minds of many people that in order to be honest one must be more or less rude and angular. It might just as well be said that in order to be substantially and honestly built, a piece of furniture must be full of sharp, ugly corners, to stick into the passer-by. It will be a step forward in our civilization when we learn as a nation that politeness is wholly consistent with genuineness, and that a gentleman is even more likely to be honest than a boor. HIS FORTY-SECOND BIRTHDAY. I used to know a genial gentleman, who for many years in succession, celebrated his forty-sec- ond birthday. As he was somewhat prominent in public life, the anniversary of his birth was ob- THE MOSSI5ACK CORKKSPONDKNCE. 169 served with unusual ceremony ; the governor of the State and the leading members of the legisla- ture were frequently present at the anniversary dinner, which became one of "the institutions " of the place in which he lived. But the unique thing about the celebration was the unvarying re- turn of the forty-second anniversary for many suc- cessive years. This harmless little pleasantry has its instructive side, bearing upon the much-talked- of ministerial dead-line. A man can arrest the passing years more effectually than most people are willing to concede. If he cannot altogether efface the wrinkles or an est the gathering gray hairs, he can keep the wrinkles and the signs of age out of his heart, where they have no business to appear. He can remain forty-two years of age about as long as he chooses. "The days of the years " of the soul's life are not threescore years and ten, or even fourscore years ; if so, what a dreary prospect would the years of eternity offer the immortal ! The threescore years of man's time on earth are but the opening seconds of the soul's life. To grow old is not a matter of physi- cal decay, but of mental withering and atrophy. Some of my youngest friends have the whitest I/O THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. hair. Some of my elderly acquaintances are the men on the infantile side of thirty, who have al- ready sucked dry the poor orange of the world, and thrown it away in disgust. The gentleman of whom I have written had very good reason for celebrating his forty-second birthday on successive years, for, by taking a fresh and genial interest in life, by cultivating friend- ships, by keeping en rapport with youth and youth- ful interests, and by opening his soul to the breezes of heaven, though he lived to what men call a good old age, he never got beyond his prime. There is little reason why any one in this life should pass that bound. To keep the heart on the younger side of this limit is the true solution of "the dead-line problem." HT TO BE MARRIED. " Marriage is the best state for man in general ; and every man is a worse man in proportion as he is unfit for the marriage state." So quoth old Dr. Johnson, and though history tells us that his own TUi£. MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. I/I choice of a wife was not pre-eminently a wise one, there is a world of truth in his aphorism. There comes a period in the lift . '" every young person when thoughts of marriage are apt to fill a large segment of the horizon, but how few of these young persons ever seriously ask the question, "Am I fit to be married.?" If the question should happen to arise in a social gathering, it would be answered facetiously and disposed of as a good joke. But it is one of the most serious and searching questions which any young person, bent on self-examination, could put to himself. " Am I selfish, overbearing, tyrannical ? " the young man may well say; ''then surely I am not fit to be married; these traits, when brought to the test of the close companionship of daily life, will bring misery to myself and my family. If I am still to retain my selfish tyranny of disposition, I ought to live in bachelor quarters and not inflict myself upon an unsuspecting wife." "Have I a fretful, complaining, nagging, disposition.?" the young lady may well say to herself when it comes her turn for self-inquisition; ''then I am very far from being fit to enter upon that companionship which will bring out all that is most disagreeable 1/2 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. and rasping in my character." And so on through the catalogue of minor moralities this test may be wisely applied. When two persons walk arm in arm, each feels the inequalities of the other's step. More misery is spelt i-n-c-o-m-p-a-t-i-b-i-l-i-t-y than by any other combination of letters. The self- sufficient youth frequently asks if the partner to the other side of the contract is likely to make a good wife ; humility seldom leads him far enough to ask if he would make a good husband. But this is a question quite as necessary to ask as the other, since no marriage ring is strong enough to bind together two hearts where love and respect on one side are not wedded to love and respect on the ether side. Love is deaf as well as blind, and I have little expectation that the smitten youth and maiden will listen to these exhortations, but before Cupid shoots his dart is a good time for future husbands or wives to ask this searching question, " Am / fit to be married } " MR. MOSSBAGK'S BRIEF VISIT TO UTOPIA AND WHAT HE SAW THERE. MR. MOSSBACK^S VISIT TO UTOPIA. A SOCIAL PARTY IN UTOPIA. At this party I engaged in conversation with the other guests, but was surprised to hear noth- ing about the last alleged defalcation or other scandal. It seemed best to this company to wait full developments before it pronounced judgment up- on the last absconding deacon, or fallen minister, or Sunday school superintendent, who has "gone wrong." ''Well, well," I said to myself, "this is strange ! " But the wonder grew when the ^ .iness failure of some church-member was alluded to, and actu- ally no one insinuated that he failed for the pur- pose of making money. Only sympathy was 175 176 THE MOSSIiACK C OKRESPONDENCE. expressed for his embarrassment. An ill-consid- ered and awkward speech was made at this Uto- pian party. In this latitude I fear it would have wrought mischief, but in Utopia the whole assem- bled company agreed that nothing serious was meant by it ; that it was but an infelicity and it was forgotten without another thought. Against one of the great men of the town, suspicions had been directed and an evil story had been told. In this country, this would have blackened his char- acter for life, but in Utopia judgment was sus- pended, and his pure aiid noble past life and services were not ignored. I found out at this party that in Utopia it is the custom to put the best construction upon every action. The Utopians are sure to guard each other from every breath of unjust calumny and reproach. They make every allowance for defects in training or temperament. They meet each other, not with a cold and formal nod, but with a warm and hearty handshake. And yet, if one does chance to be overlooked, he ascribes the slight to short- sightedness or preoccupation of mind, not to in- tentional neglect. A church quarrel, I was told, is a thing un- THE MOSSr.ACK CORRESPONDENCE. I // known in Utopia, while, as for there being two parties that hate each other, it is as impossible as for a man's right hand to hate his left. " Have we not one Lord, one faith, one baptism," they say, "what then can separate iis.^" while all oth- ers look on and say, " Behold how these brethren love one another." So much I learned from my first social party in Utopia. ELECTION DAY IN UTOPIA. It so chanced that one of the days which I spent in Utopia was election day, and I very gladly availed myself of the invitation of a friend to go with him to the polls. We came upon the polling place quite unawares, for (forgetting that I was in Utopia) I had been looking for a swarm of broken-down, blear-eyed sots and ward bum- mers, whom I had always associated with such places. What was my surprise, then, when my friend turned into a light and airy room with a 178 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. clean floor undefilcd by tobacco-juice, while the air was unpolluted by tobacco-smoke. Wishing to sec what kind of ballots were used, I looked around for the zealous distributors, who, in my native city, are accustomed to thrust them into my face, but saw no one to do this service for me. Instead, I noticed on a table two piles of tickets from which my friend selected the one he wished, and handed it to another gentleman who sat behind the table, who immediately placed it in a box upon his right hand, while the ticket of still another man, who came in at that moment, and who took his ballot from the other pile, was deposited in a box on the left. "Why, my good friend," said I, in some amazement, "how does it happen that you vote in this loose way .-* Where are your precautions against fraud and repeaters and ballot-box stuffing ? Where are your registers and patent boxes and check-lists and special guar- dians of the ballot.-*" "You forget," answered my friend, with a quiet smile, " that you are in Utopia and not in America." I confess that I did not relish this fling at my native land, but when I flushed up and was about to reply, I really did not have much to say, and concluded THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 79 that silence on this point was the part of dis- cretion. "Well," said I, after a moment's pause, " I suppose you have all your rows and political trickery at the caucus, instead of at the polls, and everything is so cut and dried that there is nothing to do here but to hand over one of those bits of paper" (for I was still a little touched, you see, by his insinuations). "On the contrary," said my friend, "the election is in the greatest doubt. No one in Utopia, I venture to say, can predict the result, for the two political parties are very evenly divided. We have our caucuses, to be sure, which all our citizens, rich and poor, feel it their duty to attend. Both parties endeavor to choose their wisest men as candidates, and all that we have to do to-day is to express our prefer- ence for one set of political principles rather than another. I really do not see how universal suf- frage on any other conditions can be anything but a dangerous menace to liberty." I saw that I should get upon thin ice if I pursued the matter any furthur, and so I changed the subject by remarking that at any rate they enjoyed delightful autumnal weather in Utopia. l80 TIIK MOSSBACK COKKESI'ONDKNCE. SUNDAY MORNING IN UTOPIA. The next day, being Sunday, I hastened with great alacrity, at the sound of the church-bells, to the nearest house of worship, and was greatly sur- prised to find that every one else seemed to be go- ing in the same direction. I at first concluded that there was only this one church in the whole city, but immediately remembered that I had seen numerous similar edifices in my wanderings about the streets, and, even from where I stood, as I lifted up my eyes, I could see at least a dozen spires, "Tell me, sir," said I, addressing a pass- er-by, '*do all the inhabitants of Utopia think alike on religious matters ? " "By no means," he replied ; " there are several different denomina- tions, and each one is loyal to his own faith. Moreover, we have all come to the conclusion that this is as it should be. for we cannot all look at the truth from just the same angle. Yet we all hold the truth, and are quite willing to believe that our neighbors, though they emphasize another side of the same truth, agree with us sub- THE M0SSI3ACK COKKESPONDENCE. l8l stantially. You will find all the churches crowded with worshippers this morning, and I have no doubt you will hear faithful and earnest sermons in all of them. Still we all prefer our own church home very naturally." Just then I noticed a large vehicle going by, which somewhat resembled our stage-coaches, or, more nearly, perhaps, a long, seashore barge. This vehicle was full of people going in the same direction as the foot passengers. It was all the more noticeable by reason of the entire absence of street and steam cars, as well as all other car- riages. "Pardon me," said I to my new-found friend, " but may I ask if that is a picnic-carriage ? I suppose those people must be going to the park, or to the seashore, but they do not look exactly like excursionists, for I see many of them seem to have their Bibles with them." "No," said my friend, "those people are not going to a picnic, but to church. That is a church carriage, and is the only kind of vehicle that is used on Sunday. It goes about throughout the suburbs, and picks up people who are too young, or too old, or too infirm to walk to church, or who live too far away. Thus we give our engineers and firemen and 1 82 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. horse-car drivers and conductors a chance to rest from their labors on Sunday, and these church carriages answer every purpose." "The wealthy people ride in their own carriages, I suppose," said I. "No," replied my friend, "they, too, take the common vehicle, so that their drivers, as well as their horses, may rest." " It strikes me, " I re- marked (rather rudely I fear), "that your notions here in Utopia are decidedly Puritanical. How can the poor people get a breath of fresh air, or a glimpse of God's country, if they have to work all the week, and go to church all day Sunday } " "Oh, that is provided for," said he, overlooking my heat. " Every Saturday is a half -holiday, and, I assure you, our prAs md picnic grounds and seaside resorts are crowded with as jolly a set of people as you would care to see." By this time we had reached the church for which I had started ; my companion, who was go- ing to another church further along the street, politely bade me "Good-morning," and I went within. THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 183 AT CHURCH TN UTOPIA. As I entered the church door I was greeted by a portly, kindly-faced man, who, to judge from his appearance, was one of the solid men of Utopia. Quite a throng of people entered with me, but he singled me out and approached me with a saluta- tion. " I think you are a stranger, sir. We are very glad to see you in our church, and give you a hearty welcome." At the same time he grasped my hand and gave it such a cordial shake that I had occasion to remember it for several minutes. I had expected to stand awkwardly in the vesti- bule until the congregation was seated, and then get a seat as best I could, but I was surprised and not a little pleased, to have my portly friend call a young man who was evidently one of the ushers, and say to him, "Give this gentleman a seat in the, broad aisle." This was no sooner said than done. I noticed, as I went into the church, more than a dozen, perhaps nearly a score, of substan- tial men, like the one who had greeted me, stand- ing in the vestijule, and when I inquired about the matter I found that it was customary for the 184 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. leading men of the churches to wait in the vesti- bule for the purpose of welcoming strangers, in order that they might not miss the shy and bash- ful ones, and that they might give every one as good a seat as possible. There were a sexton and ushers, to be sure, besides, but they told me after- wards that the Utopians deemed it no more than proper that the representative men should per- form this office of welcoming all to the house of God. I had been in my seat but a few minutes when a gentleman with a large family eame down the aisle, and I soon found that I was in his pew ; thereupon I was about to give up my seat, with apologies for the intrusion, when he completely silenced me by insisting that I should keep my seat, while he found one elsewhere. I saw that it was a real pleasure to him to find me in his seat, and I could only remain where I was, with thanks for his hospitality. As for the divine service, I can only say that it struck me as eminently sincere and genuine. I have heard more artistic singing, but I never heard music more worshipful and heaven-soaring. I did not miss a word of the opening anthem, and I felt that I ought to be a better man, when it was finished. In the congre- THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 8$ gational hymns every one joined, as well as in the responsive readings and in the Lord's prayer, and also in the simple creed and confession of faith. I have heard more rhetorical sermons, too ; in fact, I think some of our very nice and learned critics of the press would have called it a ridicu- lously simple and plain sermon. There was no airing of Greek or Hebrew, and not a single Latin quotation. There was little deep philosophy, or, at least, no muddy philosophy, which, I notice, usually passes for the same thing, and not a sin- gle allusion to Ingersoll, which surprised me very much until I happened to remember that the re- doubtable Colonel had never visited Utopia. But there was much plain, moving, gospel truth, and when the sermon was finished I said to myself, as I had said at the close of the anthem, •' I must and will be a better man." SUPPLEMENT. The following letters from some of the gentle- men to whom Mr. Mossback wrote ought not to be omitted from this correspondence. %^ SUPPLEMENT. AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. MOSSBACK FROM THE SEXTON. My Dear Mr. Mossback : One of your breezy letters, I remember, was addressed to the sexton, and I, for one, like the man who so much enjoyed the service in the Episcopal church because he could talk back, wish the privilege ot doing just that thing. When I first read your letter I was tempted to be a trifle provoked that you should become my self- appointed critic, but when I found that you really were not ill-natured, I concluded that you were, after all, a good old gentleman, who didn't know a sexton's trials. But, really, Mr. Mossback, if you had ever been a sexton you would never have written as you did. 189 IQO THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. You never thought, I suppose, how many differ- ent people there are in every congregation, each one of whom wants the mercury to stand at a dif- ferent altitude. There is rich Mrs. Sealskin, who pants and puffs and flourishes her fan and takes on at a great rate, if the thermometer indi- cates more than sixty ; while young Miss Flora McFlimsy, with shoulders nearly bare, shivers like an aspen leaf, if it does not register at least seventy degrees. One Sunday I get a Scotch blessing from Mrs. Sealskin, because it is too hot, and the very next, when I try to please her, I get a similar benediction from Miss McF., because it is too cold. So what is a poor fellow to do ? Then as to opening the windows to admit the air. Whenever I do it the breeze is sure to strike somebody's bald head ; and though everybody wants his neighbor's window open, nobody will have his own window open, and the result is one of those " hermetically sealed churches " that peo- ple are always complaining about. The only remedy that I can suggest is to rail off the bald- headed men in some high-backed pews by them- selves, where no breath of wind can ever reach them. But that would hardly do, for it would THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. IQI seem like an unjust discrimination. Then again, the sexton's soul is tried by the people who insist on taking the back seat, even when the great, vacant space in front looks bare and lonesome enough to make the minister shudder ; and by the people who leave him in the lurch when he is conducting them up the aisle, allowing him to stand stranded and looking foolish, at the door of a pew, with no one following him. He is also harassed by the unruly son of the rich pew-owner, whom he does not dare to put out, however richly the boy deserves it ; and by the giggling girls who flirt with the Deacon's son, and who turn up their pert noses if the sexton so much as ven- tures to remonstrate with them. Oh, I assure you, the sexton's berth isn't a bed of roses by any means. If you think it is, just change ends of the church with me, and see how you like it. Your friend, The Sexton. 192 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. MOSSBACK FROM THE ORGANIST. Mv Dear Mr. Mossback : It is very evident to me that you have little music in your soul, and, according to the poet, such a man *♦ Is fit for treasons, stratagems, spoils." You seem to think that time spent in playing in- terludes, voluntaries, etc., is so much time wasted, but if you had a little more music in your compo- sition, you would see that it is just as possible to worship God with an instrument of wood and iron as with the human instrument called the voice. Did not David praise God, I should like to know, on stringed instruments, and organs ? Then I would have you know that there is some one else to be consulted besides your imperial taste, even if you arc the minister. Perhaps some people do not like to have you preach so long, and would be quite willing to have you give up some of your time to the organist, whom you treat with so much levity. I should like to know, too, what is the use of a long musical education, and a THE MOSSnACK CORRESPONDENCE. 1 93 critical musical taste, unless you can display your powers before an appreciative congregation. At any rate, Mr. Mossback, while you preach fifty-five minutes every Sunday, and so long as you make the rafters ring when you come to the "rouse- ments," do not ask me to cut off my interludes or to play so very softly when people are going out of church. Yours truly, The Organist. AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. MOSSBACK, FROM AMMI SLEEPER, ESQ. Dear Mr. Mossback : I recognize the fact that your kindly criticism was meant to apply to me, but, though I have put the coat on and found it to be an admirable fit, I am neither "mad" nor "grieved." Yes, I must confess it, I do sometimes nod in church, and I am afraid you, my dear pastor, see the uninspiring top of my bald head at times. I hope, however, you will not take it to heart, for, really, it is no disrespect to you, nor does it betoken any lack of appreciation of your sermons. 194 THE MOSSBACK CORRESPONDENCE. The fact is, Mr. Mossback, I am a hard-working man, as you know, laboring at my anvil through- out every week-day, unused to sitting still even for fifteen minutes at a time, and when I do get set- tled down comfortably in the pew, the drowsy god (or demon, perhaps I should call him) gets full possession of me, and I find that I cannot shake him off. If the angel Gabriel were preaching, I sometimes fear that I should be so disrespectful as to go to sleep before he got to "secondly." It is not that I do not try to turn over a new leaf, either. My wife, at my request, pinches me on one side, and my daughter pokes me with her um- brella on the other. I eat stick cinnamon and cu- bebs, and try to pay the strictest attention by fol- lowing the heads of your excellent sermon, but even then I find it almost impossible to pry my eyelids open. However, I am resolved to make still further exertion in this direction. I will work less on Saturdays and sleep twelve hours on Sat- urday night, and if this doesn't answer, I may even try the awakening virtue of a mustard plaster. Your friend, Ammi Sleeper.