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Lorsque le document est trop grand pour dtre reproduit en un seul cliche, il est fiimd A partir de Tangle supArieur gauche, de gauche d droite, et da haut en bas, en prenant le nombre d'images nAcessaire. Les diagrammes suivants illustrent la methods. 1 2 3 32X 1 2 3 4 5 6 \ iyieDiAN.1 %d bv FRf^NCIS. DAY. & HUNTER. 195 OXFORD STREET W. New York : T. B. HARMS & CO., 18. East 22nd Street. AS SUNG BY THEM at the AGRICULTURAL HALL London. New and Popular Copyright Songs by the best Authors and Composers. Every Song complete. Words and Musio, Accompauimeuts, and Harmonized Choruses. PRICE ONE SHILLING EACH NUMBER (Containing aboat Sixteen Bongs and Ballads). POST FREE, FOURTEEN STAMPS. MANUSCRIPT BAND PARTS may be had of the Various Songs and Ballads in the Mohawk Minstrels' Bepertoire AT THE FOLLOWING PRIC£8 Ordinary Miiutrel Ballads and Comic Songs 2s, Qd. for a ut of Five Parts (Fircf. and Second Violins, Comet, Flute, and Bass). Singlt Parts, 8d. each. Descriptive Songs, Cavatinaa, Valses, Chanlantet, Overtures, Opening Choruses, and Comic Finales, 5s. for a set of Five Parts. Single Paris, Is. each. Every requisite for a Minstrel Entertainment may be had of the Publishers, Messrs. FRANCIS, DAY, & HUNTER, 196, Oxford St. Plain Nigger Wigs, for Sentimental Singers Eccentric Nigger Wigs, for Comer Men N igger Black (per Tin) Banjos Bones (the Set) Tambourinea ... s. D. .. from 2 6 2 6 1 6 20 2 6 6 MAY BE HAD OF ALL MUSICSELLERS. the best Authors and Words and Musio, sed Choruses. )H NUMBER .od Ballads). STAMPS. D PARTS allads in the Mohawk e I 2s. 6d. for a ut of Five \vU, and Bass). SingU antes, Overtures, Opening 'iv« Parts. Single Parts, lent may be had of the TER, 196, Oxford St. B. D. «rs ... from 2 6 ... 2 6 .. 1 6 .. 20 .. 2 6 . 6 USICSELLERS. -" ■'^ ■ / * it B. G. KNOWLES' KNOWLEDGE OF THE WORLD AND ITS WAYS. j'« KN Bio Ym R. G. KNOWLES' KNOWLEDGE OF THE WORLD AND ITS WAYS. BEING A COLLECTION OF STORIES TOLD BY B; G. KNOWLES, The very peculiar American Comedian ; AND CHRONICLED UY . ' LV £ RICHARD MORTON. }^i TOGETHER WITH A Biograpbical J6»ftetc!) anti a Critical appreciation BY BICHABD MORTON. mf0'*> l,ontron : FRANCIS, DAY, & HUNTER, BLENHEIM HOUSE, 195, OXFORD STEEET, W. T. B. HARMS & CO., 18, EAST 22nd STREET; C0f I t m MUf .^1 Ri Ri N ■ I CONTENTS. I0I Richard Oeoroe Knowlks. A BioaRAPHicAL Sketch Richard Okoroe Knowles. An Appreciation Note About Mankind;— Mutt be the Liver Charity In a good cause Evidently on the wrong tack Reasonablr R. I. r Not their concern Alms and the Man Have-a-drink Ye Dog and ye Cockroach A Commercial Traveller Why didn't I walk ? What would he be for a shilling ? Undecided Terse My Wood ... Sang-froid A Great Architect He carried out the contract I was on in that Act Undecided Had to go thirsty Always open for business •' Willing to oblige • Father was selfish Tough Unnecessary Publicity Man and Woman : Their Methods ..-. "For Valour" Too much "He" Better than buying a Waterbury "On the Stage" He changed his Cheque The Offer was closed What's in a Name? About Womankind:— Kissing PAOl .. .. 13 .. 17 .. 21 .. 21 .. 21 .. 21 .. 22 .. 22 .. 22 .. 22 ,.. 23 .. 23 ... i28 ... 24 .. 24 ... 24 ... 26 ... 25 ... 26 ... 26 .. 27 ... 27 ... 27 ... 27 ... 28 ... 28 ... 28 ... 28 ... 29 ... 29 ... 29 ... 30 ... 30 ... 31 ... 31 ... 32 ... 32 ... 37 Q OONTBNIB A Study in Evolution Method Still willing to oblige A Judicious Compromise Clever Woman Sportive Change She was short-sighted The Difference A Metiiphor ... ••• Games for the Drawing-room • The Lamp-post was there A Question of Habit Post-office Girls Uniformity r* • "May good appetite wait upon digestion."— CW Toast *■ That was all Modesty A Coincidence of Thought • Mixed A Progressive Conundnim About Marriage: — . The Geography of Marriage A Telephone Girl You can go ahead and talk ... Dress I paid for the Champagne "Sawyer!" Too Previous A Woman's Telegraphese A Natural Consequence Accommodating A Strange Story ... It was the others Optical My Brother Ordinary Politeness Why is Man like Dough I An Essay on Love My Wife Be Careful Strikes PA OB 40 40 41 42 42 42 42 43 43 44 44 45 45 49 49 49 49 50 50 51 52 52 52 53 53 53 54 54 54 54 55 56 66 m f.:'--;! on."— Old Toast PI OB ,. 37 .. 37 .. 3d .. 39 .. 39 .. 40 .. 40 .. 40 .. 40 .. 40 .. 41 .. 42 .. 42 42 .. 42 .. 43 .. 43 . 44 .. 44 .. 45 .. 45 .. 49 .. 49 .. 49 ,.. 49 ... 50 ... 50 .. 51 ... 52 . . 52 ... 52 ... 53 ... 53 ... 53 ... 54 ... 54 ... 54 ... 54 ... 55 ... 56 ... 66 OONTRNTB I held the Straws Anti-gamblers, please pass to the noxt. Love's Table of Addition Giving and Keeping Two Situations Maltreated Proverbs About Children : — Presence of Mind Guessed it A Little Child's Chair A Baby Carriage The Baby The Boy ; What will he become ? An Angel An Appropriate Text About Othek Things :— The Ladder of Life Mimicry ; considered fraudulently Payment deferred I required auditing Sweeney Todd ; or, The Octoroon Sleep, Sleepers, aii.l Sleeping ... Hoi-sey The Sweet Song of the Bird A Music-seller's Song Catalogue... I shall drink coffee, and keep awake A Parrot Stoiy ... Degradation indeed Strange Notices ... The Prescription Beautiful Language , A Riddle Rum Omelette A Dog's Love Cakes Temperance Strong Liquor strengthens The Irish Question "Chris" London A Discourse on Towns .. A Lesson in Journalism paob . 56 ,. 57 . 58 ,. 58 .. 59 .. 59 .. 63 63 65 65 65 66 66 71 71 72 73 73 74 74 75 75 76 76 76 77 77 77 78 78 78 78 79 78 79 79 . 80 . 80 . 80 T. .■;j^ja*?»w«'--v -- = C0NTBNT8 Though ta on LonJon Questions of Burial A Recipe for Pie This is Doggv Button and Baseball He'd got the Tune right What to avoid Proverbs The Hoodoo at the Dinner- table Stars I am a Mule ... ■■• Accommodated himself to Circumstances A Difference of Opinion Dust An Af^ricultural Item On t lie Carpet ... Jloney Adipose Tissue Too Much Poetry The Patter of the Shingle Only a Lock of Hair Tiie Doctor's Counterclaim Perplexity A >i urserr Rhyme A Sabbath-breaker The India-rubber Trunk ... Allegory A Nocturne Old Mother Hubbard Mary Pinder An Epitaph Another Epitai)h And yet one more .. A Transformation Scene . . . A Threnody The Poor Woman The Kicking Mule Before and After Don't leave off Wliy Ladies don't shave . . . Localities ... The Shades of Night FAOB 81 81 82 82 83 84 84 85 85 85 86 86 86 87 87 90 90 91 91 95 96 97 96 98 98 98 100 100 100 101 101 101 101 101 102 102 102 103 104 104 104 105 FAOB 81 81 82 82 83 84 84 85 85 86 86 88 86 87 87 90 90 91 91 95 96 97 9d 98 . 100 . 100 100 . 101 . 101 . 101 . 101 . 101 . 102 . 102 102 . 103 . 104 . 104 . 104 . 105 ( EICHAED GEOEGE KN0WLE8. A. BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH. R. G. KN0WLK8 was robbed of his birthright by hb pa«nt«^ Hk father and mother were both bom m ^^^"^^J^'^^" Wck So had been born in the States he would have been ^ B^Tit before his arrival on this earth was due, his grand- S:^l had left -^^^:^^^^^ t TS OcSr^85rby JhictTrDi^^ hal made his first J^upy Whte Hout The Presidency would have been so ^M "wL^tt^^u^n^ to his birth, engaged in commercial ;et;Se\rCrcl!SL?rown desires, and tachled the ^^TZ'^ tolerated for a week at the Olympic Theatre, Clucago; Jo7— of an^ success he made, but because nobody else ^»TStrh;"fi::ra;p=c:::nrheTrd taMng .h. ?^ MIt Ic He talked to •om. manager. » «ell,.nd ::SrdininZi„g afewo. «.,„ to .J., ^m to g,»» *», .geoeeoe ,„ ,b<„t one week in each montb. "TJ 1 ST^nred «> «.g.gen..n. wift a l..vdl.ng com?; co™«.g o, .... v^.T *2lT^:J'ZiJ^ T"SiSSH::.,rra^'^ ftotor kiUed before the curtain rose. 10 A BIOORAPHICAL SKETCH. That ended, for the time, our hero's dramatic experieHces. A little while afterwards occurred the first thing that helped to make him well known in America. In Holxtken he was engaged by a manager named Siegfried Cronheim, a German Jew. This gentleman had the peculiarity of winding up most of his sentences, when speaking, with a " Vat." Knowles had engaged to play with him for a week, but ultimately Cronheim hired a combination for that very week, and notified Knowles that his services would not be needed. However, that comedian waa on hand at the Monday morning rehearsal. Cronheim's greeting was, " You don't play at my theatre this week — vat ! " Knowles' reply was, " How do you know I don't — vat ? " " Well, I'll have you from the stage off — vat ! " " If you do you'll lose the best attraction you ever had — vat ! " A running fire of " vats " waa kept up until both parties got tired. That night Knowles went over to the theatre at half-paat seven, and made up. A four-act drama was to open the show, and Knowles' name was not on the programme. lie asked the stage manager what time he was to go on. That worthy replied, " You are not working here." Dick told the stage manager that if he did not fix a time for R. G., he would take the liberty of fixing his own turn in the middle of the most serious situation in the drama. The decision was that he was to go on after the drama was over. Directly the curtain fell after the first act, the audience started to walk out. Knowles walked on to the stage, and said, " Stop, yon haven't seen the show yet. Instead of being over, it hasn't commenced. I am engaged by Mr. Cronheim to square the drama — to give you an idea that there is something in the show good enough to entice you back on another visit ! " He TOcceeded in getting the audience to sit down again, and entertained them for half an hour. The upshot of this was, that a manager sitting in front of the house engaged Knowles on the spot as his principal comedian for the then coming season. At the end of that tour he was engaged, again as principal comedian, with the Haverley Minstrels. One of its members prophesied that Knowles would make a big hit in the large cities, but that folks in the " one-night stands " would not know what he was talking about. w w a: T tl c ] c 1 A BIOGBAPHICAL 8KBT0H. 11 latic experieHces. A ihing that helped to 1 Holx>ken he was iheim, a German Jew. idin(i^ up most of hia oiowleB had engaged ly Cronheim hired a ed Knowles that his hat comedian was on ly at my theatre this : don't— vat ? " vat ! " you ever had — vat ! " mtil both parties got i theatre at half-paat %a to open the show, mme. lie asked the That worthy replied, e stage manager that d take the liberty of at serious situation in !r the drama was over. , the audience started age, and said, " Stop, being over, it hasn't m to square the drama [g in the show good n sit down again, and shot of this was, that iged Knowlea on the aming season, ed, again as principal One of its members lit in the large cities, uld not know what he The first one-night stand was DanviUe, Illinois, when a man laughed iShertSy at the " very peculiar " comedian that he had t let up to walk out of the balcony. He fell down a fl.ght ^ rjrs, broke his leg, and was taken to ^e hospital on an ambulance. After that, the prophets never bothered After two years with the Ilaverley's, the subject of this sketcn waTengaglJ by Augustin Daly to appear with his company. Ue ::ZkeTfo/thret years, but, after the first year, an argu * Irose between Knowles and Mr. Daly, and a war of jo/^s ~ The former gentleman has always been credited with having lad tiie iLTof the argument, and, as the two of them could not stop tuh 1 theatre^Knowles agreed to let Mr. Daly have it, and ""HeT^next engaged to appear in a farce-comedy called "A PakoUacks" Ilffulfilledan engagement of six^ weeks, and ^vered during that period a distance of forty-five thousand S from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and back again, and rom St Paul, Minnesota, to New Orleans, and touching at all the "Snto.'S^rwlesmade up his mind to come to England, and — You know the rest. RlCHABD MORTON. EIOHAED GEOEGE KNOWLES. AN APPHBCIATION. About three yean, ago there waa a alight stir of interest infused into one of the evening performancea at the old Trocad^ro MuBic Hall. It was in the days of Sam Adama, when that gentle- man's popularity was, I am afraid, a little on the wane, and the «Troc" was not as full, nor waa business as brisk, aa of yore. Things were in a somewhat torpid state, and the popping of a chanTpagne cork had become to be an interruption in the perform- ance, instead of the performance being an annoyance and disquiet- ing distraction to those for whom the corks were popped V, e were only a small gathering of people in the saloon, and there was another small gathering of people going to sleep in the house nroper There were a few performers, a few agents, fewer City men, and fewer still that had paid an admission fee, and we were all serious, dispirited, and somnolent. Presently, word waa passed around that a new "turn" was Bhortly to be sprung upon us in the shape of an American comedian. His first bow to an audience on this side of the Atlantic was to be made to us. Things did not look rosy for him We had seen so many American turns ]ust recently, and they had saddened us a little. And we were so sleepy, and so out of «)rtB. There was a depression in the atmosphere around the Trocadfiro, and we felt it. •■ x ^i, j «« Still, there was a little languid interest displayed at the idea of seeing somebody new, somebody we had never seen before, and might never see again. So, with oar English readiness to suffer in the cause of the rest of humanity, we strolled out of the saloon into the hall, and sat down, wearily expectant and lazily mchned to be indulgent and forgiving. Did anybody know the name of this gentleman who was coming before our critical presence P ^, .. No, the information was lacking. Never mind, we thought, we shall not be able to bear him malice if we do not know who he is. u AN APPaRCIATION. One can be charitable to a person of whom one kn'.ws naught. " What's in a name ? " Especially when one is ignorant of it. So we sat and waited, and the stage-mon oam^ and hung out a couple of boards. That was to announce the turn we were good enough to sit down for. Then the band began to play, and then — We thought a whirlwind had struck the Trocaddro in the back parts, and had bounded through the party-wall and up to the footlights in the person of a tall man, with a square face, and a black frock-coat, and a pair of white trousers frayed at the nether pnds. He seemed to us to l)e all angles and all movement. He woke us up, and he pinned us to our seats. He told us " he was there," and we knew it. Before we had rubbed our eyes, he had told us a short snap of a story, and we were laughing at it. I turned round to speak to a friend who had been peacefully dream- ing a few seconds before, and he was grinning at the finish of a second story that I had missed hearing because I had turned my head. Point number three was made by the new-comer, and we picked up glasses, to take drinks and think about things. But we had to put the drinks down again, untasted, to laugh at point number four, and then we gave up kicking against the pricks, and we sat back in our/ait^eMiVs, and listened, and laughed, and wanted more. And that man spun his stories off the reel of his memory even as the lady runs the cotton off the other reel when she attacks the treadle of a sewing-machine. And then he sang to us. He sang as fast as he talked, and we had to listen fast. But he got his point and his laugh at every verse, and he got well home with his singing. And then he capped everything with his dance. I will not describe it. I could not. It is only to be seen and wondered at. We called him back on the stage again and again after he had telegraphed himself through his " turn," and then we went back into the saloon, and called him a success. The man was Richard George Knowles, and since that day he has occupied himself in familiarizing the public with what we saw for the first time that evening in the old Trocad^ro. The American comedian with whom we were benevolently disposed to be lenient conquered London from the first. Tl-e reasons for his success are easily within reach. He has a style of his own. He is unique. He is like nobody we have ever see hei lie oov kal hai th( we an ini wt sp go W( hi pj P< "1 is u! «1 o e. if b a a t i AN APl'nKCIATION. 18 >m one kn-ws naught. )ne IB ignorant of it. n oam" and hung out a the turn we were good gan to play, and then — I Trocadt5ro in the back ty-wall and up to the ;h a square face, and a jrs frayed at the nether nd all movement. He I. He told U8 " he was rubbed our eyes, he had vere laughing at it. I been peacefully dream- ming at the finish of a cause I had turned my the new-comer, and we about things. But we sted, to laugh at point against tlie pricks, and nd laughed, and wanted eel of his memory even el when she attacks the e sang to us. He sang n fast. But he got his le got well home with ting with his dance. I s only to be seen and tnd again after he had ad then we went back ind since that day he public with what we le old Trocad^ro. The mevolently disposed to t. ithin reach. He has a e nobody we have ever seen lu England, lie is a rupresentative product of another hemisphere, where people live, toil, and play at lightning speed. He is a son of Cousin Jonathan who has ooine over to the parent country and has fortunately forgotten to oast aside any of the habita and maimerisms that have been educated into him. He has brought them all with him. They are old frionib to lum, they are part and parcel of his being. They are new to us, and we find them amusing, interesting, and exhilarating. He could not live slowly. Nature timed him to go sixty milea m hour, and he is always strictly true to time. It is this that interests us, that rivets our attention. We admire his energy, and we are carried away by hU exuberance. He is always in high spirits, always travelling at a break-neck pace, and he tumbles one good story on top of another so quickly that we are always wondering what is coming next. Then, too, he has a peculiar appreciation of things funny. He has a humour that takes note of small things. His subtlety is patience personified. He will veer round and round one trivial point that other people would pass unnoticed, and he will dwell upon and develop that point until what was originally a side issue lurking in the dark, becomes a prominent feature of the ultimate joke, and is, in itself, a rich morsel that he cannot, as an epicure, ever pass over in the future. This attention to details is one of the secrets of liis success as a story-teller. His process of elaboration often interests one more than the finish to which he is feeling his way. If ever he tells a story that one has heard before (and even Knowles can be caught tripping), his variations and the decorations and embellishments that he dots in as he runs along make the vice a welcome virtue. I should like to hear him tell a few real old crusted chestnuts (Period, Before the Flood), if only for the interest I should feel in the way he would develop and extend them and bring them up to date. As a singer of comic songs, his methods of haste and enthusiasm are the same. He is in a hurry. He " goes for " his points with a sharp, energetic dash, but he never allows speed to override point. His emphasis is quick, natural, and upon the right quips and cranks. He mercifully hurries over his explanatory matter, for his purpose is to raise a smile, and, when he gets to the phrase that he underlines, he raises it. After that, he avoids a fault that is too common. He will not let his laugh fade out. 16 AN APPBZCIATION. He springs another point before the echoes of the Ust laugh have £ed avay. To sum up, from the moment he dashes on to the stage from the wings, to the time when he as quickly vanishes, he does not waste one second nor one opportunity. His vivid personality is paramount, and will be recognized. There is a vitality, an energy —almost a magnetism — about him which commands the attention of an audience, and it is precisely this embodiment of life and vigour that has made him the success that he undoubtedly is. RICHARD MORTON. m< ^f::,.f' «a of the l8:t laugh have IS on ^o the stage from :ly vaniahes, he does not His vivid personality is )re is a vitality, an energy 1 oommands the attention I embodiment of life and it he undoubtedly is. ICHARD MORTON. NoTK-In some instance, the following storieH and sketehes are not'Mr KnowW original inventions .^VHe^e at ha. een possible to obtain the authors' i«.rmus.ion to '" '"^e *h.^r work it has been done ; but there are instances where all efforts to tma tne thanks to our unknown benefactors. ^ ^ j^ 11. M. ''-•'w^<^iitkffV!ifasBmv9s%t^iBisi?^^ ■ ABOUT MANKIND. B 2 ■ -t-^"$.ir --r-.-;i.--i_j_,j,,v-=.>i=-«iy>>'r--c^->i=-^"^^*te?i»?-..i ^ MUST BE THE LIVEE. 1 DON'T feel good. lamalloutofsorts. I eat well, Bleep well, di-ink well. But 1 won't work. CHARITY. I WENT into a restaurant and ordered a porterhouBe steak Tbe3 charg d ten shillings on the bill for it. 1 complained to the manager, fnd told him I could get a similar steak anywhere else ^r«r;:ed, -to teUyou the truth, I wouldn't charge you so much, but we need the money." IN A GOOD CAUSE. A VOLICBMAN came up to me the other f 8^*-^ ^^^^.^^ one of his brother officers had died suddenly. Would I subBcribe five shillings to help to bury him ? I gave him a sovereign. .hillinir* "Thank you, sir," he said, « I have to give you fifteen sbillmgs °^« Never mind about the change. Hury three more policemen." EVIDENTLY ON THE WRONG TACK. 1 WAS out at Piccadilly Circus the other evening. The Salva- tioB Army had congregated there for some purpose; I know not "'B^'Xrafgot through their ceremony, the capt«uB X'lS in, brothef, fall in." I do not know whether he meant in the river, or where else I was to fall. So I said to him, " Where are you going r-^^ He said, " We are on the road to Heaven. ^^ «' Oh," said 1, " and how long have you been gomg ." ^ 22 " Nine yean," he replied. I said, "Well, if you've been nine years on the road and haven't got any farther than Piccadilly Circus, you'd be'.fcer tackle another road ! " REASONABLE. Tbamp ; " Spare a penny, sir." GOVRENOB OP THE ChaKITY ORGANIZATION SOOIKTY : " Do yon want to go to work, my friend ? " Tbami- : " Not if I can get anything else to do, sir." R. I. P. My poor brother died last week. Hard drink killed him— A cake of ice fell on his head. NOT THEIR CONCERN. Two Jews were returning aboard ship from America. A fierce storm arose. The captain told one of the Jews that the ship would surely sink. That Jew told the other, who replied, « Vot do ve care H Ve don't own it." 1 V fi ALMS AND THE MAN. Thebe were two peraons coming along in contrary directions, a tramp and a gentleman. Tramp said, in a begging-tone of voice : " Excuse me, sir, but I've lost my arm ! " Gentleman, brusquely : " Excuse me, sir, but I haven't seen anything of it ! " So the tramp lost that gentleman's alms, too. 23 •8 on the road and haven't m'd be'.ter tackle another E. IZATION SOOIKTY : " Do Ise to do, sir." t week. Iiead. CERN. from America. A fierce the Jews that the ship ther, who replied, " Vot MAN. f in contrary directions, 9 : " Excuse nie, sir, but sir, but I haven't seen I, too. HAVE-A-DEINK. A FUIENP Of mine came into town to see me His name^wa. Havadrnk That was where he failed as a frtend He was a r/ft'twalker, and we went out to see the .me He w U^- fast that he kept on getting yards in front of me. cou y "1,:^;;^ — « I ^^r and he ^.o^e me in trying to keep pace with him. YE DOG AND YE COCKROACH. Thkkk were two gentlemen, each was telling the other of all the good f ions ».e had done fo^^^^^^^^ ^,^,, ,„, ,, The first gentleman said he was '^™ jj ^^nttowards driving home one evemng, and I heard soun from the road-side, and I went over '^"^ ^^^.J J^ f^; and I roach with both his legs «•" «ver-by a Ws, Ij^ppoa bound his legs up, and took him home. And looK tude! The house is full of them ! A COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER- T WAS travelling on a 'bus the other day, and there was one of thLTwhril fellows on top that P^^^- JJ^^oTo four. This one was so generous, that b«.h^ allhe com keen from putting his feet in an old lady s lap. She sat on ^e l:^ 'Z ol that fide of the 'bus that he .as not ocaipyin^ He "™r- ''Lzi fadytftr ':LV;rr X but he woma rt'TherthfciTnir.^^ --ztrftr^^^ ^::::f^zi:r:^i^'z r:ri. traveler from Birmingham. 24 The conductor said no more ; neither did the old lady ; and I myself shut up. Rnt soon wo came to a number of costers' barrows, with the moiies standing in their shafts. Our friend with the pipe looked at the Jerusalem ponies, and asked what they were. " Well," said the old lady, " from the look of their faces and the length of their lars, I imagine they are commercial travellers from Birmingham." S"lil WHY DIDN T I WALK Y There was once an Irishman who went to America. The statement may seem startling, but it is true. This Irishman had only just enough money to pay his passage, and he landed in New York without a penny in his pocket. He felt very sore over this, and he walked out to a dock that was being repaired, and soliloquized thusly — " Here I am in a strange country without a penny ! " Just then a diver in a diving suit came up from below the water for air. Pat stared at him a second, and then ejaculated — " Oh, why didn't I have sinse loike you, and save my money and walk over ! " rn CO WHAT WOULD HE BE FOli A SHILLING? There was a man standing outside a public-house, and he was in a horribly intoxicated condition. Another man came along, " What kind of beer do they sell inside ? " he asked. And the drunkard replied — " liook at me for eightpence," UNDECIDED. I KNOW a man with feet so big that they will not let him vote. They can never tell which parliamentary division he belongs to. ^ 25 did the old lady ; and I o a number of costers' leir shnfts. Our friend ponies, and asked what )k of their faces and the B commercial travellers ALK ? The rent to America, le. jney to pay his passage, ny in his pocket. ked out to a dock that r — it a penny ! " me up from below the culated — ind save my money and '. A SHILLING? iblic-house, and he was " he asked. TERSE. I UAD a post-card from my brother Bill this morning. !i™ 1)1;^:-:^ I have nothing to do. I write you J.ese few ulfand as I have nothing to say, I will now conclude.- Yours, Bii.1.." Now, what does he want ? MY WOOD. I UK vuD a mysterious noise in my wood-shed one "ighi J Jhid ilownstaiL and out of doors, just in time to etch a fellow coming out with an armful of wood. I cried " Where are you going with that wood . " Anywhere you like, boss," he said ; " it's your wood. SANG-FROID. 1 ^vK^r into a restaurant this morning, and said to the waiter— ,, " Waiter, bring me a bowl of soup. ah- As he brought that bowl of soup I noticed that he carr.ed it with his thumb in it. . , „ I said, " Waiter, you've got your thumb m that soup . He said. " Never mind, it ain't hot." , t,- i „ After that I ordered the waiter to bring me a piece of chicken. " What part ? " he asked. .. The breast," I told him. " Great heavens ! " he cried, " ain't you weaned yet P will not let him vote, division he belongs to. A GREAT ARCHITECT. A FRIEND of mine went over to Paris to spend his vacation. You know when an Englishman goes over to Pans and speaks English iTobody understands him, and if an Englishman goes over to Paris and speaks French, he has to get another Enghshman to "t Frnclu^n. when he tells you he doesn't underst-dF^^^^^^^^^^ says, " Je ne comprends pas;' but he usually thmks the Je ne mf 26 superfluous ; so he just shrugs his shoulders and says, " Cornprendt pag," which means, " [ don't know," " What are you talking alxiut ? " " Go home,'' " Come and have a drink," or anything else you like. Our Knglishman saw the Veudome column. lie was impressed with it, and said. " Ah, there's a wonderful piece of work ! " He turned to a gendarme standing by, and inquired, " Might I ask who built that ? " " Comprends pas" said the gendarme. " Ah,'' said the Englishman, " he did, eh ? " Next he saw the Louvre. He asked a gentleman standing near, " Who built that ? " The gentleman said, " Ah, com/irendu pas." " The same fellow, eh ? " ejaculated my friend. Shortly afterwai'ds he stood in front of the Madeleine. The same question was asked and the same answer returned. Our Englishman thought, " Well, this Compry Par must have been at work night and day to accomplish all this ! " Next day, in one of the great thoroughfares, the visitor met a long funeral procession. In a case of this kind it is the French custom for people to stand in the street with bowed heads and hats off until the corti-ge has gone by. The Englishman saw this sign of respect, and thought, " This must be the funeral of some g^eat man." He tapped a gentleman on the shoulder and said, " Might I ask whose funeral this is ? " The reply came, " Ah, comprends pas." " Well," said the Englishman, " I'll take my hat off to Aim. It only goes to show that no matter how clever we are, this is what we must all eventually come to ! " Now mark the sequel. The very next day jvt Notre Dame our friend saw a crowd of carriages driving up, couples toddling into the church, a profusion of white satin and lace, orange blossoms, and all the paraphernalia that goes with a first-class wedding. The Englishman rushed up to a bystander, slapped him on the shoulder, dug him in the ribs, and asked, " Whose wedding is Ihis, eh?" The gentleman said, " Ah, comprends pas'' - The Englishman said, " You're a liar ! I was at his funeral yesterday." .V had woul retu Tl him hifi bi W( necesi <' WILLINO TO OBLIOE. It was the first night of a new play, and the new play was a brilliant failure. It was disastrous. With the exception of one lone person, everybody was hooting, hissing, cat-calling, or doing some similarly kind thing to express disapproval. The solitary exception was accosted by the gentleman next to him. " Why don't you hiss this terrible piece ? " The gentleman modestly replied that he had only come in on a pass, and could not very well complain. " Hut," he said, " if this play keeps up two minutes more, I'll go out and buy a ticket and join you." FATHER WAS SELFISH. My father called me a selfish man for not giving him any of my wedding-cake. I think there was selfishness on his part first. He gave me none of his. TOUGH. An Irishman fell from the roof of a house where he had been at work. He fell on his head on the pavement. An old man rushed up to him and asked, "Are yoa hurt?" " No," said the Irishman, " it doesn't matter. I had to come down for nails, anyhow." M Of busir Man for i 8he( hnn^ othe fotde appa othe on i1 does It is \^ thro If i the stoo oth< it i oar< I dea I Sci 1 ^ 29 BITSINLSS. JLI(iE. , and the new play was a 'itli the exception of one iiig, cat-calling, or doing pproval. the gentleman next to piece r e had only come in on a "Hut," he said, "if this 3ut and buy a ticket and ILFISH. or not giving him any of lishness on his part first. nise where he had been ement. and asked, "Are you ; matter. I had to come UNNECESSARY PUBLTCITY. I SAW an organ-gri.ider in the Strand. He had a board across his breast:— l*»i'V mk. I AM BLIND. And the fatiieu of eight cnii.DREX. By a horhiblk accident. Well, if that had been the case, I do not see that there was any necessity to advertise it. MAN AND WOMAN : THEIR METHODS. Of course you know that, in the way they transact their business, there is a vast difference between a mau and a woman. Man is careless ; woman is careful iH everything she does. Take, for instance, the case of a lady about to retire for the night. She disrobes. Of! comes her dress. It is turned inside out and hung upon a nail. Her little boots are taken off, one after the other, and put side by side under the table. Her stockings are folded up and placed carefully aside, and every '"•fcle of apparel, as it is removed in methodical progression, one after the other is folded up and put away so that she can lay her hands on it at a moment's notice. And, always before she gets into bed does that lady look under the bed to see if there be a man there ! It is a failing that women have all the world over. With a man the c-e is different. Of! comes h.s coa*- »« throws it up against the gas-fixture. If ^l'^'fy\'^'Zf.ZfL If it doesn't, he don't care. Oi! come A.o boots. One goes m the comer, and the other he sticks in tl'\^'«^-^""° , ^['; rtookings .re folded up ! Yes ! One is in tt.e back-yard and the other is on the roof. He gets into bed. He doesn^ look under it to see if there be a rvoman there! Not he 1 He would not o»re if there were fifty. " FOR VALOUR." I NOTICE that policemen are brave men; they are fearless of death • in fact, not one of them is afraid to die. I found out the reason yesterday. There ,s a passage in Soripturfwhich says, " Death is one long and continuous sleep." Not a policeman is afraid of it. 80 TOO MUCH " HE." A HOMKWiur illiteratn parson indulKcd in the prevalent but painful liahit of canting a personal pronoun ri>,'lit after a noun in a manner that would make L. Murray, Ksq., turn in his ^rave. " Tho man he did tlii«," or " the man /.c did that," was a form of spei'ch beloved bj our reverend friend. For instance, he jjave out a text : — « The devil he goes about likf a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." And he went on with his discourse : " I will divide my text into three parts, and study three questions. First, Why the devil he goes about ; second. Who the devil he is seeking ; and thirdly, What the devil he is roaring about." BETTER THAN BUYING A WATERBURY. Any man who requires a watch can easily get one. First, you go to a jeweller's. They have watches there. If you went to a public-house, they might be out of watches. If you are in London, choose a watch-maker in the Strand, somewhere near Wellington Street, for choice. When you interview your , lan stand near the door, and make him bring the watches to yc i After you have discovered the one you like best, which should be the most valuable one he has in stock, take it still nearer to the door to examine it. There is more light there. While there, open the door and then close it. But between the opening and the shutting of that door be sure that something has passed outside. Also satisfy yourself that such something be you. Run down the Strand. When that watchmaker sees that you have departed with some of his property he will naturally follow you. He will not throw anything after you through the door or window. They are his property. He only holds watohe)« in hia hands, and if he should throw one of them, you would then have two. But it is as well not to wait for the off-chance. By this time he will be on your track. Dart into Drury Lane. He will follow you. He shouts " Stop thief ! " The will st they y Th three that 1 engaj was s they wheri Th apiiei Th agon Tc a gvi supe Bi heh (( you A fort pro' hun E the nur coff coil 1 noi tha tm 31 E." (d in the prevalent but in ri^ht after a noun in Waq., turn in his grave. f did that," was a form g lion, seeking whom he " I will divide my text tions. First, Why the levil he is seeking ; and It." L WATERBURY. iily get one. re watches there. If you it of watches. oh-n»aker in the Strand, jhoice. near the door, and make you have discovered the le most valuable one he or to examine it. There 1 close it. But between ir be sure that something t that such something be matchmaker sees that you ' he will naturally follow ou through tho door or }nly holds watcher in hia em, jou would then have le off-chance. Dart into Drury Lane, hief!" The moment h« shouts " Stop thief ! " in Drury Lane every iKjdy will start running, and nol)ody will ov.-r know which is the thief they want. «' ON THE STAGE." Thk son of a poor man had deserted his ancestral halls for three years. .\t the end of that i^riod ho returned, and said that he had become an actor ; in fact, he had procured a splendid engagement with a gentleman named Henry Irving. The father was so overjoyed that he mustered a large party of friends, and they attended in a body at the Lyceum, which is a theatre some- where in London. The first act ended, but that man's son had not put in an apiiearance. The second act ended. Same result. The father was in ;in agony of perspiration. Towards the end of the third act, on walked the son, carrying a gun, but with nothing to say for himself. He was merely a super. lie strutted up and down the stege a couple of times. But the father could stand it no longer. Becoming excited, he leaned over the balcony and shouted. « For heaven's sake, Jim, do something ! If they won't let you speak, shoot the gun off ! " HE CHANGED HIS CHEQUE. A CBRTATN uncle— somebody's uncle— died, leaving his entire fortune to three nephews, to be equally divided lietween them, provided only that each of them deposited, before burial, a hundred pounds in the coffin of their mutual uncle. Everything was satisfactory until the three nephews met after the division of the property. While talking over matteri, number one nephew said, " I put my hundred pounds in the coffin in gold." , ^ ^ j • xu Number two nephew spoke, '• I put my hundred pounds in the coffin in Bank of England notes." And number three nephew said, " I put in neither gold nor notes. I simply wrote out a cheque for three hundred pounds, put that in, and took out the two hundred already there for change." tm ■I •I 89 TIIH OFFER WAS ("I.OSKD. A MAN wfiit to tin- lK)i)kiin{-ollici' at Victorirtstatioii in order to get a tic^kHt for llri^bton. " How iiiucli^" ht< niik»'(l. " l''our-un(l-twoj>t*i ahout a hundred yanls out of the Htiwion, when there was a shrill whistle from an engine that was coining along the same rails, and the guard was signalling for the man to leave the line. He turned round in a spirit of supreme independence. " It'g too late, now. You sliould have taken it when I offered it to yon." Wrij Chin No, thi \Vri| Chin you're •ee bin WHAT'S IN A NAME? Mh. Chin.vaway : IJeg pardon, sir, but can you tell nie the name of that stout young lady over there P Mr. Wriglit: That is Miss Delia Kate Siims. Chinnaway: Delicate, ebP ^Vby she weighs over two hundred pounds I should say. "Wright : I said Miss Delia Kate, sir. Chinnaway: Oh! ah! Yes, by the way, who is the gentle- man who just bowed to her 'f Wright: W. Waddell Wood. Chinnaway : A rather peculiar name. How do you spell itP Wright : J)ouble-u-double-u-a-doulile-d-e-doubl«»-l-double-u- double-o-d. Chinnaway: Uni — ab! By the way, isn't this Mr. W^rightF Wright : Y'ou're right. Chinnaway : No. I didn't say I was Wright. My name is Chinnaway. I was told that you were Mr. Wright. kA [ 'I/)SKI). itoriii Rtatioit in order to ked the clerk. lis i>oclat." le conductor asked for wrist. She took the jl, took out her purse, out a shilling, shut the e, shut the satchel, and be satchel, took out the )ut in the change, sliut the purse, shut the the bell and atop the iination. 39 Ninety-nine out of those hundred rolls had been displayed by the perspiring shopman, when the young lady learjed over the counter and whispered to the shopman that she d.dn t really want to see the silks, she was really only looking for her young man The shopman wilted. Then he said, " If you think he s in that last roll, I'll take it down and open it for you. A JUDICIOUS COMPROMISE. I HAVE lately gone into a new line of business, and-will you believe me P-ifs the deadest business I ever saw. I am an under- taker. There is no life whatever in it. , „ , . But a very funny thing happened to me the other day. A party of young people called to negotiate for the furnishing of a funeral for a young lady who had just died. She had been one of those really lively young ladies. She had ^een al ^er thej^^^^ and her friends wanted to give her a real swell funeral so they came to a real swell undertaker so that he could swell the pnce and them at the same time. Thev asked my advice regarding the trimmings. I said, " Well, if the young lady was single, yon must trmi with white ; if married, you must trim with heliotrope." They said, " Well, you had better trim with white, and put a dash of heliotrope here and there-and let it go at that. OBLIGE. unpacked a large con- e wholesale department. ' silks, and he had just shelves. He was con- ich to his satisfaction, sion on her face, entered iked that young shop- CLEVER WOMAN. A WOMAN can do any amount of things that a >"an cannot. A woman can tie both of her shoe-laces while she ,s standing up, with both feet on the floor. A man can't do that. A woman can stick fifty pins in her dress while a man is getting one under his thumb-nail. , A woman can drive a man crazy in twenty-four hours. But she can land him in Paradise in one minute. A woman can hold half-a-dozen clothes-pegs in her mouth, and talk through the knot-hole in the fence to her next-door neigh- hour. Oan any man do that ? 40 SPOllTIVE. My sister is a great piano player. She was at the piano the other day, strumming. The mini.ster aaited her to play something. " What shall I play ?" she inquired. He said, " Play one of your favourites." " Oh, no," sister said, " I don't play favourites any more. I always take the field against them." it of in CHANGE. What a wonderful change a woman can make in a man. And what a wonderful amount of change he requires. SHE WAS SHORT-SIGHTED. I COTTBTKD a pretty girl once. We used to sit in tlie front porch, evenings. She would give me a kiss for every star I could see. The milky way was useful. But she was very accommodating. She called my attention to several stars that I missed. She then got to calling me on lightning. But she finally got me to steady work on a man swinging a lantern down the railroad track. THE DIFFERENCE. In bygone days ladies used to wear their dresses buttoned up to their necks, and one button on their gloves. Now they wear their gloves buttoned up to their necks, and one button on their dresses. la I A METAPHOR. A Y0VN3 lady is like a railroad engine, for she carriea a train, transportb the mails, scatters her sparks about, and if her husband switches off on the wrong track, there is bound to be a smash-up. 41 le was at the piano the ing. If avourites any more. I n make in a man. B;e he requires. IGHTED. mgs. ' I could see. GAMES FOR THE DRAWING-ROOM. One evening, at a select gathering for the benefit of our churoh it was proposed to play games. We first played a game called riewetts. It is a sweet Arcadian game of chaste simplicity, but it comes expensive it your taste runs high. It is a development of the ancient Kissing Game— you are allowed to kiss any girl in the room for so much money. For instance, a young girl of sixteen. Well, they wanted five shillings from you for kissing her. A young girl of eighteen, ten shillings. A young married woman, two pounds, ten shillings. A blushing bride, five pounds. Old maids, seven for sixpence. Two young fellows arose to sing a duet. One said to the other, " You haven't got the right key." He replied, " No, but I had it last night." The first young gentleman retorted, " Yes, I know ; I missed two of my best shirts." Then a young lady got up to sing— " Take me back to the South, The sweet, sunny South, To the sweet, sunny South Take me home ! " \ that I missed. on a man swinging a ^CE. sir dresses buttoned up jves. up to their necks, and a. ■ for she carrieB a train, jout, and if her husband x)und to be a smash-up. They bought her a through ticket for Marseilles the next morning. Another girl arose to sing, " O would I were a bird, I d fly across the sea ! " And a gouty old gentleman in the corner started to his feet and cried, " Yes, and you'd be shot for a goose before you got half way." „ , ou ■ * We wound up the evening with a game called Lnnstmas. Everybody had to go into the next room and hang up their stockings. I happened not to have any stockings on. Thfl weather was not cold. So I hung up my trousers, Then everybody had to leave the room for a few minutes and finally return to see what gifts were in their stockings. One girl got a house and lot in her stocking. Another had a ton of coal. I guess some man got in my pantalcons, for i have not seen them since. I* * 42 THE LAMl'-POST WAS TllEUK. Thr most honest people in the world live in London. To prove this, a lady friend of mine once huii),' a lovely diamond bracelet on a lamp-po**. »"verlooked in the general lY. Circus, ^ross." Circus." , t off together." ' ■ i 48 "MAY GOOD Al'VETITE WAIT UPON DIGESTION."— OW Toaxt. I AM the proud possessor ..f a girl, a lovely girl ; will, the loveliest appetite you ever saw outside a peuitentmry She can 1 ri«ht !,p from dinner and sit down to supper. She .s nn.nense , to is her appetite. I took her out to a party the other evening. There wasTlittle roast pig on the table. I looked a the p,g^ My girl looked at the pig. Of course the p.g could not look at J. Pig had lost his eyesight before he came t«t^« *»''•;• J turned I speak to a friend on my right. When [ looked ba^ a^ain the pig was gone. I turned to my girl, and asked her what h'ad become of the pig. She grunted. 1 knew r.ght away what had Wme of it. At that moment the wa.ter came m w.th a large dish of dumplings. My girl ate two do.en and a half, and ever stopped to draw breath. Then she tackled the b.ggest one on the dish, and it stuck in her throat. Couldn't get , .p; couldnt Tet it down. A doctor in the party jumped up, l-'f «»*»7J; Bcrew, and screwed it into the dumpling. She P« l«d one way ; he palled the other. I said, " Whafs the matter Uoc^P Can't yon get it up? •• He said, " No.-the pig has got hold of the other end." THAT WAS ALL. The other day, while strolling down one of our principal thoroughfares, I bad the pleasure of meeting a young udy with whom I have a slight acquaintance. We strolled softly along together, and I, wishing to be on particularly good terms with the sweet damsel, made haste to agree w,th everything she had to "she knew I was somewhat of a stranger in London, and she called my attention to a numW of diffei^nt sights. She hrs pointed out the Houses of Parliament, and I naturally agreed that they were simply perfection. Then she called my «tt«ntion to Westminster bridge, which I also admired muchly. After I had gone into suitable ecstasies over St. Thomas's Hospital, she said, " Have you seen our Widows' Home ? " I said, "No, but I'd like to." Then I told her that I had seen one home last winter, and sue J » 44 \. ■Ufld me for breach of promine. '• And," 1 laid, " to make matteri worse, the daiiLjhter of tlie widow that 1 saw home also sued me for breach of proiiiise," Then in that innooent way that young ladies have, she asked — " Then you hiid two suits, didn't you ? " I said, " No, — just a pair of breaches, that was all." MODESTY. Skevant washing front steps. Mistress lkinti( out of window. Policeman on pavement. Policeman looks at servant. Mistress looks at i>oliceman. Mistress calls to servant — " Jane ! Jane ! that policeman is looking at your legs 1 ' Servant speaks — " He can't see 'em, mum ; I've got my stockings on." A COINCIDENCE OF THOUGHT. How nice it is to sit in a nice room, with a nice girl, on a nice sofa, and pour nice nothings into her nice, shell-like ear. But with the must vivacious couple a dull moment will crop up oooasionally. I had an experience. There was a young lady with whom I had just started to keep company. She sat on the sofa. I sat beside her. She sat beside ine. Then I sighed. Then she sighed. Then we both sighed. We were side by side. She said to me — " Of what are you thinking P " I said to her — " The same as you." She said — ' ' " If you do, I'll slap your face." And she was the only girl I ever knew that objected to being kissed. A FA cookery a new i making down tl lady wa I Take the whi neck, h grated pan wi jetted ] overski with la "W quired "Hi yarn ' oircuh hundr swallo angle, aimed an im 45 aid, '' to make matteri w home also sued me idies have, the asked — .t was all." at your legs 1 " ookinga on." BOUGHT. 1 a nioe girl, on a nice e, Hhell-like ear. But moment will crop up ; lady with whom I had the sofa. I sat beside Then she sighed. Then MIXED. A FAHiiioNABi.K young lady the other ufternoon visited k cookery school, where her attention was eqii.lly div.dwl between ft new dress worn by an acquaintance and the directions for making a cake. Ul)on returning home h\w un ertook to write down the recipe for making the cake for her mother, and the old lady was paralyse*! when she read :— ... Take two pounds of flour, three rows of plaiting down the front, the whites of two eggs cut bias, a pint of milk rulHed round the neck, half pound of currants with seven yartU of l«ad trunmings, grated lemon peel with Spanish lace fiol.u. Stir well, butter the pan with Brazilian topaz necklace, and garnish witli icing and jetted passementerie. Bake in a mo.lerately hot oven until the ..verskirt is tucked from the waist down on either side, and linish with large satin bows. in- A PE0GRE8SIVE CONUNDRUM. " What is a progressive conundrum, Mr. Spoonamore P " quired the young lady. ,.„ . , „ , " Haven't you heard of them P Here is one.— V\ hy is a ball of yarn like the letter T ? Because a ball of yarn is circular, a circular is a sheet, a sheet is flat, a flat is two hundred a year, two hundred a year is dear, a deer is switt, a swift is a swallow, a swallow is a taste, a taste is an inclination, an inclination is an angle, an angle is a point, a point is an object aimed at, an object aimed at is a target, a target is a mark, a mark is an impression, an impression is a stamp, a stamp is a thing stuck on, a thing stuck on is a young man in love, and a young man in love is like the letter T because he stands before U." " 1 don't think yoa have the answer quite right," said the young " A ball of yarn is round, a round is a steak, a stake is a wooden thing, a wooden thing is a young man in love, and a young man in love is like the letter T. Bf cause " -and she spoke clearly and distinctly—" because he ia often crossed 1 " that objected to being ' . I ABOUT MARRIAGE. ii?i r Q A love proi Itv pas sets FO! pai lit' fiir i^ tel d( I Sit ill- r THE GEOGRAPHY OF MAREIAGE. OiTwaTTON • What ia the marriage state ? , . , , , , „ s;r- 1, i. one ,f .h. ™««»xr- ° **^ pair of brigbt eyes you meet. A TELEPHONE GIRL. I MAKBiKO a telephone girl. I used to court her through the telephone. I caught her through the e^Pj^" J.^^J;^ '' .. Hello ! " to her, and Bhe wou d say, Hello^ ba ^^^^ That was when we were courting, rs ow we a doesn't say "Hello! "any more. She reverses it. YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND TALK. LovK often compels people to do foolish things. Why, it even makes folks get married. typewriter My advice to young men about to marry is, marry n girl. Then you can dictate to her. DRESS. Dbkss helps to make a man. But every time my wife gets one, It nearly bre.iks me. 'i *- ■ I I 50 I PAID FOR THE CHAMPAGNE. I WENT out with two friends of mine the other night, and we had a cartload of pleasure, and a bliastul dream of intoxication. In fact, we were paralysed. But we made an agreement that, if any one of us, on getting home, failed to do the first thing his wife demai^.led, that defaulter had to pay for a bottle of champagne for the party. The first man arrived home, and knocked at the door. His wife called out, " Kick the door down, you drunken brute ! " He hauled off, and kicked it down, so he was all right. The next fellow went home. He fell against the piano. His wife said, "Get an axe, and break it." He got an axe, broke the piano, and ended that argument. Then I went home. 1 stumbled on the stairs. My wife stuck her head out of the bed- room, and cried, " Fall downstairs and break your darned neck ! I paid for the champagne. "SAWYER!" I WAS once travelling to a town in New Jersey called Sawyer. Now iust before you reach Sawyer by the railroad your tram rattles through a tunnel. The tunnel is short, but it « there. After running through the tunnel, the train stops at the iJepot- De-pot-Daypo— l)epo-8tation-or whatever else they caUitl Anyhow, it is the place where they put up cars and stable locomotives. „ Just before your train strikes the platform, the brakeman caUa out the name of the station. It generally sounds like, " Break- vour-necks-is-the-next-station ! " * Well on the seat in front of me was a young couple. A new couple ' A he and a her. A couple that had just lately been coupled. They were two up to that day. The minister had made them one, and they were going out to find which was the one. Now you know how young couples act on a honeymoon trip. He looks at her with a far-away glint in his eye, like a fellow who can't pay his board. And she says, " Give me a hold of your hand, or 1 11 lose you in the crowd." Then he looks at her, and she looks at him, and they repeat this performance indefinitely. Tl both Ji 1 mak It pass the thai ano Th« Iw bell ( an( to he mj mc mi tl w n AMPAGNE. le otliei- night, and we dream of intoxication. i an agreement that, if I do the first thing his 'or a bottle of champagne Tie, and knocked at the loor down, you drunken wn, so he was all right, against the piano. His He got an axe, broke Then I went home. I er head out of the bed- eak your darned neck ! " Bw Jersey c Jled Sawyer, the railroad your train is short, but it is there, rain stops at the D^pot — latever else they call it I put up cars and stable sform, the brakeman oalla ally sounds like, " Break- 1 a young couple. A new id just lately been coupled. minister had made them lich was the one. act on a honeymoon trip. in his eye, like a fellow 'our hand, or I'll lose you I at him, and they repeat 61 These two had one gum-drop between them, and they were both usine it at the same time. Just as^we struck that tunnel outside Sa-yer he kissed her 1 know he kissed her. I didn't see it. I didn't hear it, but 111 make an affidavit that he kissed her. Itwa^ one of those long, lingering kisses that shudder heu passionate way right through a railway car. I could feel it in *(l"haveTere a few remarksto make in parenthesis You know that women are so anxious to be kissed that they kiss one Inolher But there is nothing sincere in it. Two women meet They kiss. Then one turns away and says "The horrid lung I wonder how much she paid for that ninety cent hat ! I don t believe it was over thirty cents!" * >»„„« t„ ki«i (Now with men it is different. One man does not have to kiss another man to keep in practice. They are always trained down toStirg weight. Show a man a feminine female woman, and te in i2s at a moment's notice. I have now got to the end of my"arenthe».so we can try back a bit. We left the honey- ""ZZt ' ' -^i-e train dashed out of the tunnel, the brake- mL opene • - " K.r to call the name of the town, and yoUed "l^w^er r ..nd the young lady said, "Don't care if you did ! We're married ! " TOO PEEVIOUS. I WAS iourneying in an omnibus towards Charing Cross. In the same 'bus there sat a lady and gentleman. They were man and wife The 'bus cannoned against a waggon. The shock threw me up against one end of the 'bus, and threw the man and his wife against the other end. j i. „ «.„„ But I fell against a window, broke the glass, and got my face cut I swore-right out loud, so that people could hear me. 1 did not say " Darn !" but it was pretty near that. The man got up very indignantly and said— " How dare you swear before my wife ? " I replied, "I beg your pardon, but how was I to know that your wife wanted to swear first ? " 11 4 52 A WOMAN'S TELEGEAPHESE. This ia how a woman wrote out a telegram tor transmission, and how the post-oilice clerk clipped it into shape. Said the lady, " I want to send a telegram to my husband." " Very well," said the obliging attendant, " here are some blank forms; and the briefer you write, the less will be the cost." This is what the lady wrote : — " Dear George I have something too dreadful to tell you but please don't get excited dear for it can't be helped now and baby and I are perfectly safe I don't know and cook says she doesn't know and none of us can account for it but the house caught fire last night and burned to the ground just think of it did you ever hear of anything so perfectly dreadful in your life I am half wild over it but please keep calm baby and I are safe and most of the things are saved and you mustn't think of anything but how much worse it might have been what if baby had been burned oh George doesn't it make you shudder to think of it but the dear little soul is perfectly safe and of course we went straight to mamma's and you can't think how frightened she was until she knew we were safe and I know how shocked you will be but as baby and^I are safe you oughtn't to mind anything else I can't imagine how the fire started can you it's too dreadful come right home Mamie. P S Remember baby and I are safe." Then the lady handed in the seven pages she had written to the telegraph clerk, and said — " I suppose it might be condensed a little ? " " Yes, madam," replied the clerk. And this is how it was wired : — " House burned last night. All safe. Come home. Mamie." A NATUEAL CONSEQUENCE. Whkn I married my wife I gave her my heart. And now I haven't got the heart to work. ACCOMMODATING. A YOUNG lady named Edith. A young man named Charlie. Charlie said he would like to get married. 1( 53 LPHESE. ram i'or transmission, I shape. n to my husband." , " here are some blank fill be the coat." adful to tell you but helped now and baby cook says she doesn't the house caught fire link of it did you ever )ur life I am half wild : safe and most of the of anything but how )y had been burned oh of it but the dear little ; straight to mamma's aa until she knew we 1 be but aa baby and^I e I can't imagine how ne right home Mamie. ;es she had written to B?" Come home. Mamie." lUENCE. J heart, k. ^G. Edith said, so would she. Only she didn't like to give up her position. She was earninji four pounds a week. Charlie said, " Never mind, dearest. I'm only getting two. I'll give up mine." A STEANGE STORY. I WAB up at a parly a couple of years ago, and there w^e ^o friends of mine there that didn't know each other. The one didn't know the other, and the other didn't know the one ; so the 'one that drdn't know the other I introduced to the other th. didn't know the one, so that they could sit down and talk to one 'X:o2llZ rittn^rana theother's name was Story. frsCTSousoacoupleof days ago, and there was a little Stranger Story there then. u IIT IT WAS THE OTHERS. Wife : You had no business to get drunk in the first place. Husband : I didn't. OPTICAL. Two gentlemen met in the street. They were old friends. One said to the other— , , ^ „ » 1 Bee your wife's back from Manchester. I didn't know you could see 'em from Manchester. d. 54 MY BROTHER " As a miin, how does my brother strike yoii F " «Well, sometimes he strikes • n.e for live dollars, and some- times for ten, but he never gets either. And by-the-bye, your brother treats his wife in a way I wouldn't treat a dog . " And bow's that ? " . " He kisses her." ORDINARY POLITENESS. I WAS out walking with my wife yesterday, and I raised my hat to a lady we met. i. „ t j;j My wife lectured me for raising my hat to a lady whom I did °°Bu"she had no reason to complain. It was my brother's hat, and he knows the lady very well. WHY IS MAN LIKE DOUGH ? A wiFK asks her husband : - Why is man like do^gj?" , The husband answers : " Because woman needs (kneads) him. Wife says : " You're wrong.-Because it's hard to get off your hands!" AN ESSAY ON LOVE. Thk question has often been asked, What is Love? Well, Love isL only thing in England to-day that is notcontroUedby a syndicate. And the moment they turn Love into a limited liabiUty company, the shares wUl go like hot cakes, and everybody will want to get in on the ground floor. _ . ^ „ _ There are different kinds of love. There is Baby Love. Every- body loves babies-especially their own babies^ I love bab.es- gil babies, when they have grown up. They become very . To "strike •• anybody 5s an Americanism for an attempt to borrow. interes \ wift anybot love e' sweet Cou delirif Son men. lief marri ouP" ve dollars , and some- Liid, by-tlie-bye, your reat a dog ! " NESS. jr, and I raised my hat b to a lady whom I did was my brother's hat, DOUGH ? an like dough ? " a needs (kneads) him." k's bard to get off your .OVE. What is Love? Well, that is not controlled by rn Love into a limited lot cakes, and everybody •e is Baby Love . Every- babies. I love babies— p. They become very for an attempt to borrow. 55 I .it. love. b.r h».b.,.ay happen to have ine when travelling to jp the few things I had -in-law, and a couple of Vest. Scarcely had we mantic village of Omaho, izou was noticed a small, mtil the entire heavens lowering cloud. Kever- I lightnings Hashed, and 3 bosom of the river that :. The rain rained, the id weather. 67 *u «f „« «now to the south of us, and There was snow to the north « J' J«^;°^,„, ,„,terial. We the east and -^V^' ^^^^S - ^^^^^^^^^^ struggled along slowly, ""*'' '"";'.^ * ^^t, j,, the bli/.zard. \t that moment an old gentleman cai ^^ \i„ " Allow me to be the sacntice. 1 am o a. quietly, Allow me ^ ^^^^. „ was the one to be cooked and eaten. \nd I held the straws. A„d my motl»,-in-l.« got fc Ion, .««. A„d I got tb„ .Uh-l.on. .od » p.««« of tW "ooK- ANTI-0AMBLE118, PLEi^SE I'ASS TO TUB ■* NEXT. the human being commonly called man. ?j:: hrS:t!^S?^alone, with a kind of a cut-shuffle-and- 'nSyl^r tired of playing alone, and finds a desire to ^Srh:;:;;s^^^een of hearts with his diamonds, and the nillr takes a ten spot out of him on a pair. He gets old and bluff. Stays out late at clubs. 11 58 He is met with a poker. Ho mliunies ort tliia mortiil ooil, and is raked in !>y t\w spado. Th.'ii ho awaits th.- call of Gabriel's trump, who, for the last time, will ordf-r biiii up. LOVE'S TABLE OF ADDITION. (Not included in the curriculum of the London School Koard, and here produced for the first time. Principal characters, male and fenialf.) Two looks muhe one flirtation. One flirtation iiia/>iii two appointments. Two appointments imlie one njoonlight meeting. One moonli>{ht meeting win/.cs several kisses. Several kisses mide one engajienient. One engagement mahc-^ two fools. Two fools iiialr one marriage. One marriage nuiJ>('s one mother-in-law. One motherin-law mnl(es it hot around the house all the winter. Ml Sniit wide GIVING AND KEEPING. " Yor promised me five iiounds for a new bonnet, my dear," said Mrs. Bloobumper to her husband, who was reading the news- paper. " Yes, I gave it to you," replied IJlooliumper, laying his news- paper aside. " Gave me what r— the five pounds P " " No, I gave you the promise." " That's what I said. Now 1 want to know whether you are going to keep it or not." " Keep what, my love ? The five pounds ? " " No, not keep the five pounds, of course. Keep your promise to give me five pounds." " How in the world can I keep it ? " "Why not?" " Didn't you say I gave it to you ? " " Yes ; you gave me your promise, and I want you to keep it." ed in liy th« spado, np, who, for the last DITION. London School Board, cipal characters, male iieeting. ises. he house all the winter. V bonnet, my dear," said was reading the news- mper, laying his news- 69 ..You are a very «nre«onable woman, to ,ive something away and k«n"t too. nie to do inU'^M'' "*'*»*'••' Silence grows thick. It is impossible for one (i„ away and don't ask TWO SITUATIONS. M..nno...^.ar^j:nr:st:^;a:^-^ st:;n=;t:.--^--^^--'"" MALTREATED PHOVERBS. Mabbvino is V^lievin, _ Two's -^-^^^r'^l'^^iuZo invention. Divorce in the mother-in-law oi Set a wife to catch a wif^^^^.^^^ To marry is human, to dwo^c^ A «' smart" lover covers * J"^^^*;^!^^ the court. Because yoa want to. know whether you are Is?" e. Keep your promise I want you to keep it." iv Ml' I. ABOUT CHILDREN. PRESENCE OF MIND. GUESSED IT. "O MAMMA, I want to ask you something." " All right, dearest." And then dearest says- _ ^^^^^ p „ « You never saw me before i was oor", "^ j' » " No, dariing." - And then the darUng says— ^^ « Then how did you know it was me f A LITTLE CHILD'S CHAIR. Thkue is a touching little poem that I arn -^^* *° '^^^-^ J^ isSimental,and the -f^ "\\\**^;;"L"t; ^^^^^^ M» ot the Sunday ptpe" ? *»" ''"■" "^^i E„d motion room. The «-.. of tke poem » ^^^J^ H^^,, „ . ml.. :r::v-:.2r.^»°-y pfthoUo epi«.e. o.on, in inot 64 were to be sold. They consisted simply of tables, chairs, a few culinary utensils, and so forth. Nothing out of the common-just the ordinary breaking up of a simple, little, unpretending home. Of course, the auctioneer did not dilate upon such articles. There was not enough money in them. He knocked them down, one after the other, to the quickest bidders, until at last he came to a little child's high chair. As he offered it to his audience, one gentleman very facetiously bid a penny for it. He thought he was doing a funny thing. Some of the others agreed with him, and they laughed. But they were in a minority, I can assure you. At that moment tears started to the eyes of the poor woman. The auctioneer noticed them, and in his own mind's eye he could see a little child's chair at home— the chair of a little child that used to greet him with outstretched arms and call him " I'apa ! " —the little child that had died a couple of years before. And the auctioneer's gruff voice became low and soft, for he reached down in his pocket, pulled out a five-pound note, handed it to his clerk, rapped his hammer as a sign that the chair was disposed of, and said — " Sold— to the lady over there ! " The poor woman left the auction room, with tears streaming down her face, the little chair clasped to her bosom, happier than she ever thought it possible to be in the circumstances. And the gentleman who bid the penny felt just a little bit bad. This is the poem — " Little Willie found a looking-glass, And scraped the mercury off; He swallowed the shining substance, Thinking it would cure his cough. I HA marrie So In and 1 was pi and t laughi Ihs in fro giSfgli My there man : inqui Th thouj usual ever notic could and i Tl the I " His mother, in relating The sad tale to Mrs. Brown, Said it was a cold day for Willie When the mercury went down ! " 65 f tables, on airs, a few b of the common — just little, unpretending 3 upon such articles. B knocked them down, , until at last he came leman very facetiously Joing a funny thing. 3y laughed. But they 9 of the poor woman. 1 mind's eye he could of a little child that id call him " I'apa ! " rears before, low and soft, for he ire-pound note, handed m that the chair was with tears streaming r bosom, happier than •cumstances. ' felt just a little bit lass, i tance, lOUgll, A BABY CARRIAGE. T HAVK a friend in the baby-carriage line of business. Bein,; a married man, it chanced that I happened to require his servio^ So I went to him, and he sold me a beauty, a lovely little cart and 1 went home with it, and took my wife and the baby out J. was proud. I wheeled it a little, and then she wheeled it a little, and then we both wheeled it. And every one that we met ''Th^ no idea what they were laughing at, until I went round in front of that baby-carriage, and saw right away what was the giggling concern. , -. ,. . j My friend had forgotten to take the label ofE the cart, and there it was : — " OoB Own Make. Twenty-five Shillings." THE BABY. A NEWSPAPER man went out to " write up" a party that had taken place in a house that had lately been blessed by the arrival of a new baby. Accompanied by his best girl, the newspaper man met the mother at the door, and, after the usual salutations, inquired after the baby's health. . j ,j The mother, who was quite deaf, and suffering with a bad cold, thought he was asking her about such cold, and told him she usually had one every winter, but this was the worst she had ever had. It kept her awake at night time so much. Then, noticing the scribe was growing pale and nervoud, she said she could teU by his looks that he was going to have one just like hers, and she asked him in to sit down. The paper duly appeared next day, but there was no news of the baby. le wn THE BOY; WHAT WILL HE BECOME? - A FRIEND of mine had a son. Son = son of the father. Father = father of the son. Now vou understand the relationship the father bore to the son and the son to the father, and vice versa. 66 W m i: I! The father thought he would like to bring up the son to a busi- ness that would be a success for the son, and the son a success for the business. , , , , ^ So he said unto himself, said he (of course you would not know that he said unto himself, said he, but, through me, he now tells you that he said unto himself, said he), " I will place a dollar, an apple, and a Bible in an empty room. I will put the boy in the room, which will be no longer empty, with the dollar, the apple, and the Bible, and I myself will go up a few moments later, and if I catch the boy eating the apple, I will make )um a farmer ; if he is reading the Bible, I'll make him a parson , and if he has the dollar in his pocket, I'll make him a merchant. So he put the boy in the room with the dollar, the apple, and the Bible. , , When he went up to the room a few minutes later, he found the boy sitting on the Bible, with the dollar in his pocket, eating the apple. The father said, " That boy is a glutton." So he made him a policeman. AN ANGEL. CoNVKBSATioN between a mother and her little child :— Little child says, " Mumma, what is an angel ? " ^ Mumma says, " An angel is a spiritual body, my darhng. Little darling says, " And has it got wings, mumma ? " Mumma says, " Yes, my dear." And the dear says, " Does it fly, mumma ? " Mumma says, " Yes, sweet one, it flies." ^ . .^ v. n And the sweet one says, "Well, papa kissed Sarah in the hall a few minutes ago, and called her an angel. Will she fly, mumma ? " . „ - Mumma says, " The first thing in the morning. AN APPROPRIATE TEXT. A Sunday-school teacher, on the Sunday before last, asked aU his scholars to bring on last Sunday a subscription for the poor, and to recite, with the gift, an appropriate text. ig lip the son to a busi- id tht son a success for se you would not know •ougli me, he now tells ' I will place a dollar, I will put the boy in r, with the dollar, the go up a few moments pple, I will make him a ake him a parson ,; and ( him a merchant." e dollar, the apple, and lutes later, he found the 1 his pocket, eating the 67 [.ast Sunday up c^me the boys, one after the other. The first arrival placed a shilling in the box, and said, The Lord loveth a cheerful giver." " Very good," said the teacher. . ,^ . a ..!J Number two turned up, placed sixpence m the box, and said, "Hethatgivethtothepoor,lendethtotheLord. The last boy came along, pulled a penny out of his pocke^^ dropped it in the box, looked at the teacher, and said, A fool and his money are soon parted." lier little child : — angel?" body, my darling." ngs, mumma ? " aar 9» kissed Sarah in the hall n angel. Will she fly, morning." E TEXT. lunday before last, asked ly a subscription for the >ropriate text. > 1 ■ i * ^. Z' ; . ! ■ : 1 ^ ■' - ' i ■ ■ \ t ■ ';;; ; ; ■,; 1 1 "<\ ''',•'■ ■ \ » '■ 1 1 i ■ • n ,! i • i - ■ 1 1 i! k JL ABOUT OTHER THINGS. Il laiiil Bupi II the juni and up r bro nai she the lad th< M as 11 to Oi b; f( I n » THE LADDER OF LIFE. It behoves a person in his walk through life to climb the lad.leionerounrtatatime. I do not know what that means. I suppose you do not, either ; but, anyhow, it h.hoves just the same. If vou climb the ladder one round at a time, when you reach the top you are liable to hold on a little while. Whereas, if you ump to the top in one bound, you may fall off on he other sule, and nobody will ever discover the fact that you have ever been up there at all. , » . t u iu..„„ Now I have a brother named Rill. In fact, I have three brother, and they are all named Bill-except .lohn, and his name is Tom. Well, my brother RUl got a position m a draper's shop-iustthe ordinary position of carrying parcels. 'Th'** y," the boitom round of the ladder for Bill. But he chmbed the ladder-one round at a time-until he reached the top round of the ladder. And then they made him wash the windows. MIMICRY ; CONSIDERED FRAUDULENTLY. I AM now going to expose a fraud as gigantic and as barefaced as spiritualism itself, namely, the art of giving imitations of actors. No doubt you have all seen some young gentleman enter from Right, or Left, First Entrance, as the case may be. He advances to the centre of the stage, and bows as gracefully as he possibly can-but, anyhow, he bows, and we will let it go at that. Then he says, "Ladies and gentlemen ! " He means nothing by that. It is only a bad habit he has acquired, so you should not feel offended. . . . „ He proceeds. "I will now give you au imitation of- Henry Irving, Wilson Barrett, Beerbohm Tree, or some other noted actor. , , . Strange to say, he always reaches up after one of the big guns, a man that he could not imiUte if he wanted to, because, if he could, he would be doing their line of business and getting more money for it. ... . v Now what bothers me is this. Nine times out of ten, the man who inlitates the other man never has seen the other man act. _.ra^^~a^:_^-iti-^—^,~^^. 72 Now, how OMi one man imitate the other man if he ha* never ■een the other man P And why does the audience applaud P Ah ! I'll expose the audience aH well. Now, one man sita on thU aide of the house, and one man aits on that side of the house. The man who sits on thin side of the house tuinks he man who sits on that side of the house has seen the man whom the man who is trying to imitate him has never snon. The man who sits on that side of the house thinks the •iHne of the man who sits on thia side of the house, so they both applaud at the sfcme t's-.e, and, the audience being of the same mould, the applause becomes unanimous. The performer is a hit. He is satisfied. The audience vote him a success, and they are oatistied. And I am the only one that makes a complaint. But I am a natural-born disturber of the peace, and consequently I have io get my oar in somewhere. Now, I am going to give you an imitation— an imitation of Henry Irving. A great many of you have seen Henry Irving, and a great many of you have not seen Henry Irving. Now I have no doubt that those among you who have not seen Henry Irving will like my imitation a great deal better than will those who have seen Henry Irving. Now, my imitation is of Henry Irving, the noted English tragedian, walkiny home after the show. {Rvit Kiwwles.) PAYMENT DEFERRED. I MUST tell you my trouble. There is nothing like another person's trouble to cause hilarity on the part of the multitude iiwembled together ; that is, provided the multitude be not mixed up in the trouble. This is my trouble. I was passing across Westminster Bridge a few evenings ago, when I met a gentleman who would insist upon selling me some matches. I did not want the raatohea. I told him so. But he told me that I did want the matches. He had such a persistent way with him that finally I came round to his way of thinking, and 1 bought the box of matches. I put my hand in my pocket, took out a penny, and gave it to the gentle- He gave me the box of matches. He put the penny in his jxjokt separ As tweni It for ei herei Th lb caugl shilU Hutre saw I were cab a (Irivt Tl suit. Ai andn I( by A and N bala man. 7i man if he has never dienoe applaud P luse, and one man aita ts on thui side of the of the house has aeen nitate him has never the houao thinks the ) house, so they both oe being of the same Dhe performer is a hit. Buooess, and they are »mplaint. But I am a nsequently I have to tion— an imitation of y Irving, and a jfreat Now I have no doubt [enry Irving will like those who have seen g, the noted English {Rvit Knowlea.) RED. nothing like another part of the multitude nultitude be not mixed IS Westminster Bridge man who would insist not want the raatohes. vant the matches. He inally I oame round to of matches. I put my gave it to the gentle- ie put the penny in his pockei I put the box of matches in my pocket. And we separated right tliere and then. As I left him I heard him say, " Ah ! Heaven will reward you twenty-fold for that generous action ! " I thought, " Well, if Heaven is going to give me twenty pence for every penny expended, I am willing to stand the reward right here and now." Then I started off about my business. I had not taken more than half-a-dozen steps when the matchea caught lire in my pocket, tnd burned the leg off a twenty-live shilUng pair of trousers. The moment I saw the blaze I got saired and started to run. There was a cab passing by ; the horse saw the blaze, got scared, and ran away. A lady and a gentleman were in the cab. The cab ran into a tram-car. That busted the cab all to pieces. It broke the man's leg, the woman's ribs, the driver's neck, and the horse's back. They sued me for five thousand pounds damages. I lost the suit. I also lost a twenty-five shilling pair of trousers. And.now I have to wait until I go to Heaven to get that one- and-eightpence. I REaUIllE AUDITING. I oNi'E put a silver dollar in my mouth for safe keeping. While walking quietly along, a friend of mine came up, and, by way of greeting, slapped me in the middle of the back— and I swallowed the dollar. Now I'm a dollar out and a dollar in, and I don't know how to balance my accounts. SWEENEY TODD ; ob, THE OCTOROON. A TKAGEDY IN THREE ACTS. DBAMATIS PEKSONiE. A Telegraph Messenger Boy. Act the First.— Hired. Act the Second. — Tired. Act the Third.— Fired. itll' 74 Si.EEr, SLEEl'EUS, AND SLKKI'INH. A Bi.KKi'KH in one who Bleeps. . And a Hle.)p.T is a wiloon carriivKfl on a railway-train m wli.oh tlif alcfper Bleeps. And ft 8l.'ei.er i» a tie under the rails «» which the sleeper, in which the sleeper sleeps, rnns. Now then, when the sleeper 8!>eps in the sleeper that is carried over the sleeper under the sleei-er in which the sleeper sleeps, the sleeper sleeps in the sleeper until the sleeper in which the sleeper sleeps jumps oti the sleeper, and wakes the sleeper in the sleeper by bumping against the sleeper, until there is no longer any sleeper sleeping in the sleeper in which the sleepw sleeps. HORSEY. T WKNT to the Derby. I rode down, but I walked back. I tried to borrow some money from a friend of mine. He gave me advice instead. He told mo that backing fast horses would be my ruin. I told him, no. It was backing the slow ones that had already done that. The first horse I backed was a creature named Scotch Itch. He VM scratched. The next horse I backed was a shoemaker's animal. He was a strapping big fellow, but he pegged out at last, and nearly all my money went. The next horse I backed was an individual called The Thames. It is still running. I backed a barber's horse that I did win a little money on. lie had quite a stiff brush at the start, and he only won by a hair. It was a close shave, and he came in covered with lather. The last quadruped I backed was an old 'bus-horse. He used to run in a 'bus from Brixton to Oxford Circus. They called him Charing Cross ! Charing Cross led all the way, till just rounding Tattenham Corner, the whole crowd stood up, and in one voice shouted " Charing Cross." He stopped ri ght there and then, and there waa nobody on hand to pull the bell-string and send him on again. In Tl M; A M; li (h A P( R M I I n A M I day troi the i Wl < coi pri I SLKKil'ING. railway-train in wliioh )n which the sleeper, in he sltjeper tliat is carried ch tliii ileeper Hlfcpd, the pi-r in which the sleeper le sleeper in the sleeper there is no longer any ;he sleepw sleeps. liiit I walked hack, friend of mine. He gave ackiiig fast horses would icking the slow ones that J named Scotch Itch. He aker's animal. He was a at last, and nearly all my idual called The Thames. lin a little money on. He ho only won by a hair, 'ered with lather. )ld 'hus-horse. He used to Circus. They called him just rounding Tattenham ind in one voice shouted i there was nobody on hand again. THK SWEET SONG OP THE BIRD. In the [iirk. '{'he other day. Myself, and my brother. A little bird commenced to Mug. My l)r()ther said, " That biril m HinninK for mo," I told him, "No— the l>iril was n'mn'mn for me.'' One word brouRht on more lieer, till wo actually (juarrelled. And fdUjJtht. Policeman arrested lM)th of us. BrouKht into court. Magistrate asked for the facts of the case. I told him a bird sang. I said it sang for me. Brother said it sang for him. And I said we both fought. Magistrate said, " I fine you thirty shilling-* each. " And, remember, the bird was singing for me." A MUSIC-SELLER'S S(JN(i CATALOGUE. I WA8 reading over a catalogue of new and old songs the other day. Among other things I noticed : - " At Trinity Church I met my Doom." For two shillinyn. " Two Little Girls in Blue." For two shi/lint/n. After the trouble I got into at Trinity Church I wouldn't have them at half the money. Another line says : — " I mustn't let her see me all at once." For two shillingi. What does he want ? " Go to sleep, my baby." For two shillhii/s. That is cheap if it comes off. There are lots of babies that won't go to sleep at any price. " After the Ball." For two nhillingn. It only cost me sixpence the other day to see twenty-two men after the ball the whole afternoon. " Is Marriage a Failure ? " For two shillinyg. It says under this one, " Thousands have been sold." 76 "Farewell, Marguerite." For tivo shillings. I have not two shillings, so must say, " Farewell, Marguerite." " Put me in my Little Bed." Fo7- two sMUings. « O what would I give to be there." For two shillings. "I can't get at it." For eighteen-pence. He was a "tanner" short. I SHALL DEINK COFFEE, AND KEEP AWAKE. I WKi.r to sleep the other night and dreamed that I owed Jones two hundred pounds. I am afraid to go to sleep again in case I might go round and pay him. A PAEROT STOEY. The proprietors of a circus owned a parrot. The bird's cage used to hang on the box of the treasurer, who sold the admittance tickets. As the crowd stood around the ticket-waggon, the treasurer, in handing out the tickets and taking in the shekels, had one invarialile injunction for the folks who were pushing for front places. " One at a time, now, one at a time ; it's your turn next ! " One day the parrot escaped from the cage, and was missing. Being a general favourite with the employis, a thorough search was made for the vanished bird, but all in vain. Until— In the centre of a field, a flock of crows was seen darting up and down, and hither and thither. Being curious to ascertain the cause of this rumpiis, the circus-men approached, and soon came near enough to observe their pet parrot denuded of almost every feather, with the crows crowding upon him, and he all the while saying, " One at a time, now, one at a time ; it's your t'^rn next 1 " DEGEADATION INDEED. What do you think ? I read a paragraph in a newspaper, just lately, that said — ''Of late we have received reports of several deaths from excessive drinking by telegraph." Well, it served them right. When a man stoops so low as to do hie drinking by telegraph, he ought to die. m... 77 liUingB. I have not two erite." I shillings. For two shillings. ice. He was a "tanner" E, AND KEEP Ireamed that I owed Jones I to sleep again in case I ORY. parrot. The bird's cage r, who sold the admittance i the ticket-waggon, the i taking in the shekels, had 'ho were pushing for front ,t a time ; it's your turn from the cage, and was ii the employes, a thorough but all in vain. Until — va was seen darting up and ' curious to ascertain the pproached, and soon came ; denuded of almost every tiim, and he all the while me ; it's your t'lrn next I " [NDEED. graph in a newspaper, just M of several deaths from a man stoops so low as to to die. STRANGE NOTICES. They do have strange notices in London. Those on the doors are funny. I was going into Teter Robin- son's. On one door it said "Push," on the other door it said « Pull." I pushed on one, pulled on the other, got caught between the two and almost crushed to death. Another man " pushed" in, and " pulled" out a sealskin jacket. And I got on a tramoar, too. Extraordinary notice on that. The sign srid, "Passengers not allowed to get on or off the car while in laotion." Now, how on earth are yon going to get on or off the oar unleps you are in motion ? I went to another shop to make a call. On the door was a notice, " Walk in." Did they think I meant to go in on a sprmt, or on horseback f THE PRESCRIPTION. Why did you take money that did not belong to you ? Well, the doctor said I must have change. BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE. A FBiEND of mine met me on the street, and I told him of an accident that had just occurred to me. I slipped and fell on a piece of ice. I tore my pants, and had to get a newspaper and place it over the part where the pants were torn. He said he was astonished that 1 should use such plain, ordinary, commonplace language ; and I asked him how he would describe such an accident. He said, " Like this— " While meandering through one of the principal thoroughfares, my pedal extremities came in contact with the surface of the congealed aqua pura. This caused a misplacement of the attrao- tion of gravitation, forcing my lower members to fly heaven- wards, while my habeas corpus formed a co-partnership with the highway. This caused a compound fracture of the nether garments, but such fracture subsequently lay veiled from public gaze beneath that printed vehicle for the dissemination of knowledge commonly called a newspaper. 78 A EIDDLE. When has a man four hands ? When he doubles his fists. RUM OMELETTE. ' At a Prohibition dinner out West, some years ago, every- thing went along all right until rum omelette was served. Then every one was continually calling for more gravy. A DOa'S LOVE. A DOG is man's truest and best friend. True, sometimes things look different. A woman's love seems pure, lastmg, undying. In the sicK chlberrwhen a man is tossing about onabjiof fever aw^mans nresence lightens up the gloom, and her hand placed on his fore Chasa'coolingLch.' Andwhenshe PU-^er arms around his neck in a clinging manner, and looks into his eyes with those large moistened orbs of hers, she has him at her mercy. I dog is different. When a dog jumps up and wags his tai and puts his paws on your shoulders and in your eyes-thats love. That dog don't want a sealskin sawiue. CAJCES. Everybody is a cake, thusly :— Bich man ; pound cake. Farmer ; hoe cake. Milkmaid ; cream cake. Chiropodist ; corn cake. Dyspeptic; stomach-ache. Hod-carrier ; back-ache. Pretty girl ; spice cake, covered with sugar. Next-door neighbour ; spongecake. ^^ Bed-headed girl ; ginger cake. Old maids ; cold buckwheat cake. They are hard to warm up. 79 TE. ome years ago, evevy- lette was served, for more gravy. ^E. undying. In the sick a bed of fever, a woman's band placed on his fore- 3 puts her arms around into his eyes with those . at her mercy, ps up and wags his tail ttd in your eyes— that's )vered with sugar. mge cake. jake. fit cake. They are hard TEMPERANCE. Orator : My friends, come and join the Temperance League ! Tramp : Don't want to. Orator : You must. It is a noble order. Our motto is, " We bend the knee, but not the elbow ! " Tramp : That comes of that horrible habit of drinking from the bunghole. STRONG LIQUOR STRENGTHENS. Liquor ia a great strengtbener. Take my case. A few months ago I was a walking skeleton. I was sick, so sick that I could scarcely raise a fork to my mouth. And I went to a doctor. He tola me to go and get some stimulants— to get some whisky. You may imagine that I got some. I got a barrel, and when the man brought it to my house, he could not lift it himself. He had to hire two men to help him to put it in my cellar. And I P I could not even roll it. It was so heavy. Yet it had not been in my cellar three weeks before I could lift it up and throw it out of window. Of course, I had to practise around that barrel first. THE IRISH QUESTION. Irishmen do not want Home Rule. They say they do, but they do not. They are so busy governing the rest of the world that they have no time to attend to their own affairs. "CHRIS." Who was Ireland's greatest benefactor ? Christopher Columbus. Why, what did he do for Ireland ? He discovered America. 80 LONDON. London is growing so rapidly that if you vrere to lay down in the street and go to sleep you would find a rooi over your head when you awoke. That is, provided the policeman did his duty. A A. DISCOURSE ON TOWNS. I HAD a Strange dream the other night. I dreamt that I went to heaven. Of course it was only a dream, but its a good thing to dream about, anyhow. While I was there I saw a cartload of people who came to the gate. " Where do you come from? " they were asked. "Manchester." The moment they mentioned Manchester they were told, liet down." And they were sent straight down to the summer resort, dumped in, and burnt up. Along came another cartload. " Where do you come from ? " "Liverpool." un i. The moment they mentioned Liverpool they were told, Uet down." And they were sent right down, dumped in, and burnt up. Along came another cargo. '' Where do you come from ? " " Glasgow." The moment they mentioned Glasgow they were told "Get down." And they were sent right down, and dumped in. Didn't burn them up. They put the fire out. Too green. Along came one solitary individual " Where do you come from ? " " London." " Get in quick. You're the first that ever came from there. A LESSON IN JOURNALISM. In the street the other day I met a small boy with a large bundle of newspapers, them. I asked him what be meant to do with )u were to lay down in a rovii over your head duty. rowNS. ght. I dreamt that I dream, but it's a good eople who came to the e asked. er they were told, " Get m to the summer resort, »ol they were told, " Get lumped in, and burnt up. iw they were told "Get down, and dumped in. out. Too green. 3ver came from there." INALISM. , small boy with a large bat he meant to do with 81 He said he intended to Telegraph the News to Pod the People, J^ Sack and WHife, all over the Globe, and to let the Morm2 tLZl and the Man of t,. WoM have an equal chance with the Q.a««, the Qentlexooman, and tu. SporU^nan in procunng all the Tt-m. frr:n Vanity Fair. To l.t the «^«. sh.ne like a the i.« /*«w ir ., ^^ ^^^ ilalh-io keep a SI and nv?a OrapMc account, of all the lUu^frnte, wTn k. and thu, Ecko the Standar, thoughts of th Citizen in tht ^ Topical Time... And he «aid that the W-^ Bays that JUy Shper gave Judy a l^nch and told her to Pick m^ up as a Jolitr for Comic Cuts ! THOUGHTS ON LONDON. .aAOMKNX OF . 8PKKCH BY A LONDON COCNTV COTINCILLOR Nothing affords me greater pleasure than the opportunity thatTpresented me this evening of giving you my opinion o Won Words are inadequate to express the admiration I fee ^ lldon. Look at the number of things you can do m Snirthat you cannot do in any other city on the face of the av"h" For instance, there is the open air. Now, in London you can ride in the open air, you can row in the open air, you IZ rur in the open air, you can eat in the open air you can ^nk in the open'air, you can walk in ^^e open an- and ycni ca^^ sleep in the open air ! And physxians tell us it is a healtl.y practi e to sleep in the open air. And_to prove that assertion !!where will you find a healthier body of men than our London police force? And aren't they always asleep m the open a,r? S a wise government has placed silent shoes on our policemen, so that they sha'n't wake each other up at night. QUESTIONS OF BURIAL. I MET an Irishman in the street the other day, an.l, in the course of conversation, asked him where he would prefer to be buried when his time came to die. , . , ^ . ^ He said he would sooner be buried in a Jewish burying-ground than in any other place on earth. " Why ? " I asked. m " Because that would lie the last place the devil would ever dream of looking in for an Irishman ! " Now, when I die, I would rather die an Irishman than anything else in the way ot mankind. For this reason : if you die an Englishman, or anything except an Irishman, they bury you, and that ends the business. But, if you die an Irishman, they wake you, and you are all right again. A RECIPE FOR PIE. You can always get pie for nothing. Go into a shop, call for a piece of the best pie on the premises, eat it, pull out a gold watch, look at the time, and oall for another piece of pie. After complimenting the baker upon the quality of his pie, eat the second piece of pie, draw out your handkerchief, brush the crumbs from your moustache, look at your watch, say " Good morning " to the baker, fade outside, and stand in the front of the shop. Don't try to get away. The baker argues that you don't intend to best him, because you look like a gentleman, dress like a gentleman, and have a gold watch, and winds up his argument by saying, " There he stands in front of the place. If he wanted to best me, he would run away ! " Finally, he musters up courage to come outside and ask you for the money. You say, " Did I not pay you P " He says, " You did not." You say, " Well, I don't intend to pay you," Hesays," WhynotP- You say, " Because I have no money." Well, the baker may get a policeman ; the policeman may get you ; but neither baker nor policeman can get that pie. THIS IS DOGGY. I WENT into the dog line of business lately, but I w«b un- fortunate. In the middle of winter I started to cross a frozen river with CO J the devil would ever rishman than anything reason: if you die an lan, they bury you, and 3 you, and you are all PIE. ist pie on the premises, me, and mail for another e quality of his pie, eat handkerchief, brush the fOMT watch, say " Good stand in the front of the argues that you don't i a gentleman, dress like winds up his argument he place. If he wanted me outside and ask you you. ; the policeman may get n get that pie. ss lately, out I was un- cross 1 frozen river with mv first dog. He sat down on the ice, and his ta. froze fast to 7 ?o set the dog off the ice I had to amputate his tail '\ lo^t money on'hat dog because I was unable to -ua h^^ .^ My second dog chewed up a paper collar, and could not digest it. " MttS C-a^". but there was a tale of woe ! You all k»ow w Tit mm is You also know that if you wander into a :tUr:nd i: yl body . come into contact with a circda. saw when the aforesaid saw is in motion when the »fo"»^J iSyTeavea the aforesaid saw it will not He in as good condition -. ;+ vM when it struck the location. wJIy dog tackled the saw. He only lasted one rouml Th^Ts'thfreas^n you have not seen himround lately. He came out in chunks. , • . .i T used to call him " Entomologist. Of^urTe he did not know what that meant , and «>»« other people sbare his ignorance, and they have none the best of the **T called him "Entomologist" because an entomologist is a collector of rare and wonderful insects. My dog had the boss collection. BUTTON AND BASEBALL. TlowN where I live we have a church. I belong to the church. Down where i nve .^ ^^^ ^^^^^ ^^^ ^^^^ name for a man, ana naT.uri»"or " m;i«« Button long. He died. But the strangest thing is t**" /'!^ 7""° who bawl first and seaorul has., the organist ».^»hort .top ^ t^ wno uuw J , , ^ea the collection centret all lui organ, the churohwarcten "^" ")** ^^ ^^^ gometiroei energies m hittmg ngkt and left pa^ ^^^^^^^ ,„, ^^ the makes a home-run witei the lot. The parso.. f^cM» , S«greg«ion-weU. they c«teA <«'. a* will you if you are A F 2 84 HE'D GOT THE TUNE RIGHT. Thkrk was a soldier who had deserted from a regiment in India. Desiring to get out of the country, he shipped as an A.H. seaman, despite the fact that he did not know the difference between the mainmast and an anchor. He was on deck one night while they were taking soundings in the Bay of Bengal. He noticed that the seaman who was cast- ing the lead was returning its records in n singing monotone, such as : — " Seven-a-qnarter-fathom-m-m-m-ra-s ! " " Eight-a-quarter-fathom-m-m-m-m-s ! " After a short while, the soldier, who was an Irishman, and may as well be called Pat, was told ofE to relieve the seaman, and to take his turn at the sounding. His first proceeding was to throw the lead half-way down the Bay, and while drawing it in he sang, " Whack-fol-de-ridol-ol-de-ri-do! " The officer in charge of the watch looked at Pat in astonishment. This was increased as the ex-soldier, after the next cast, sang again, " Wliack-fol-de-ridol-ol-de-ri-do ! " And when this had occurred the third time, the officer cried out, " What's the matter with you ? Why don't you give me the sounding ? " And Pat replied, " You oan't fool me I I do know the tune, if I didn't catch the words ! " H h K / car ne< WHAT TO AVOID. In promulgating your cogitations, or articulating your super- ficial sentimentalities and philosophical or psychological obser- vations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conver- sational communications possess a clarified conciseness, a compact comprehensible consistency. liCt you extemporaneous descant- ings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility without bombast. Shun double entendre and pestiferous profanity, either obscure or apparent. In other words, talk plainly, briefly. RIGHT. from a regiment iit lie shipped as an A.H. know the difference e taking soundings in eaman who was cast- n singing monotone, n-m-» ! " n-m-s!" an Irishman, and may e the seaman, and to id half-way down the it Pat in astonishment. !r the next cast, sang ! " iinie, the officer cried >n't you give me the [ do know the tune, if [D. ticulating your super - r psychological obser- ;y. Let your conver- condseness, a compact t«mporaneous descant- intelligibility without erous profanity, either talk plainly, briefly. 86 naturally, sensibly, purely, truthfully. Keep f-- dang. Don't put on airs. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and, aU, Dorit use hig wordi. TRO VERBS; AMENDED AND REPAIRED. Half a loaf is better than loafing. Where there's a will, there's a law smt. It's an ill wind that blows worse than you do. He that laughs last gets left. Still waters don't run at all. All that glitters is not worth its face value^ A bird in the hand is worth two in some other fellow s. What is to be, will be, even if it never happens. And my father, who Is a relation of mine, says it ,s easier for a camel t:T„ter a Jircus than for a drunkard to eat a package of needles. THE HOODOO AT THE DINNER-TABLE. Do not eat pie with your lingers. Try your mouth. "You set the taste better. ■ _♦„.„„ Do not allow your hostess to help you more than twice to.ny one thing on the table. _^ Help yourself the third time. ^ , • „ ' Be sure to take your own hat and coat ^^en eaving^ They may not be as good as the others, but it is much safer. STARS. FvBUVBOBY is a star nowadays. A little baby is a star-a rirTwU astarof the brightest magnitude, and Inslongs to heSy Wa; I sup ose you see the cream of the joke, though H mSave cUed you. A soldier is a star ; he xs a shooting » ' * r 86 it»r. A drankeii man is a star ; he in ii falling star A police- man is a star ; he is a blue star. The falling star is of ten picked up by the blue star and placed in his proper station for the night. A pair of lovers are not stars ; they are set planets ; they net and plan-it all day how they can become meteors at nijjht. Tiiere is a star-fish, morning star, evening star, oystar, and stiir-vation. Mut if I were to try to tell you anything more alnjut stars, somebody might hit me over the head with something ami make me see stars that only exist in your imagination under exceptional circumstances of a distressing nature. I AM A MULE. I AM almost crazy. I don't know who I am. My father was a widower. There was a widow lady who lived near us. She had a daughte- My father married the daughter; I married the widow. And there you are. I don't know >vho I am. My father married the daughter. I married the widow. Tha , makes my father my son. I am my father's father ; my fathei o wif 9 is my daughter; my wife is my father's mother; my sifter's lather's mother is my great gmndfather's uncle's aunt ; ' " It struc leftt andi (lus sooi 1 one anr" I am ». mule ! y« wi w d w y ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO CIRCUMSTANCES. A vouNQ man, while feeding a printing press, lost both his hands. But he has a better job now. lie is a shorthand writer. A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION. I WENT to the theatre one night. Next to me sat a stout gentleman. T' o curtain rolled up. An actor with a candle walked across the stage. The stout gentleman said, " Where is he going with that candle P " I said, " In the dark." The stout gentleman said, " You are a teller of untruths, and if you come outside I can lick you." I went outside. r lling stiir A polioe- ig st&r is often picked ■ station for the night, planets ; they »?< and s at nitiht. There is a star, and stiir-vation. ng more alxjiit stars, something ami make ktion under exceptional im. My father waa a ed near us. She had ighter; I married the ho I am. My father low. Tha . Piftkes my my fathei ''j wif 9 is my r; my si iter's lather's int ; anr" I am ». mule ! SELF TO 38. ig press, lost both his lorthand writer. >PINION. 3xt to me sat a stout 1 actor with a candle leman said, " Where is the dark." The stout arnths, and if you come and then 1 wtksn't " in it. DTJST. M.. originated from dust ^^::\X^Jr^ » AN AGRICULTURAL ITEM. I ...Kntostarta arm "^ JST'^J: ^iJ^-r^^ThaJ yellow horse: result, a d.sastrousja.lure. ^^^^^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ;«» with the wheelbarrow. « J^^^^^^^^ „, ,„y other form of wheelbarrow, leave it alone. Take o ar^ ^ controversy dissipation, but never aUowyouxse^oeJl.^.^^^^^ ^^.^^ with a wheelbarrow. It is the ™« /^^^ .trough falling, world, and, when you fall over It, you nev ^^^^^ ^^^ f,u over and it never finishes helping you oa^^^ ^^ j^„ „,,, any- a wheelbarrow when you could no* tJP „,,, ^ith Lim, thing else. It will ^-^^^ ^^.^rht P u^s - his profanity t. rear up in front of b-;- -^J^J^j/^uni, and some more flesh of! congratulate himself, it takes a ««* ; ^„^„. a man never his bones, and he commence. ^^^^'^^^^^^ completely on its cease, to fall over a -^^^:^^^:^\,' Z.ot upset. It i« the back, or brings up against. omethmg ^^^ .^ .^ ^^^^ most inoffensive-lo.kmg o^i^^^J^J^ ' ^^^h one unless dangerous than a mad bul , -I^^^^^VHtting on something, he has. tight hold on thej^ndsa^ ^^^ .^ A wheelbarrow has its uses 3''" true dignity. I gave n^oments it is the greatest kn;-J^c«»« °^^^ ^J ^^^ for four the wheelbarrow to a poor man that baa n * Absconds. 88 r, . " tly after laying ane^gihe would turn and eat it. I found a wiiy to prevent thia. I filled an egg with u mixture of milk and cayenne pepper, and the hon ate the egg. She loo) • .. uurprined, o|>< nt d her mouth, and came out- side. .She didn't gdlop out. llut bIio ciinie out, oame out to look at the Hceucry, an;' mva if it was going to rain— mouth wide open, and the foather.i on top of her hfiid stood straight up . Then she commenced to go round the yard like a circus horse. Once in a while she would stop and push one leg out in a tone of astonish- ment, and then holloa " fire " wid start again. Tht* oM ccik came out to look on. Soon the i.-i;,' hours' hens came over the fence, and took front seats. Jt wac vident the performance was some- thing new and unique to them, There is a good deal of human nature- i»i hens. When they saw my hen dance around, and have all the . lUi to herself, and heard her shout " tire," and they could not see the ('.• nHigration, they became excited, and with one accord sprang upon hoi', and, before I could interfere, the brindle hen with the long legs was among the things that were, and the cock died of a broken heart. But the last straw that broke the camel's hack was my yellow horse. When he was brought in we all looked at him. It was evening, clear, bright, and beautiful. I had a dog, a black and white dog, and if ever there was a dog who thought he knew evdiything, that was the dog. lie sneaked up behind the horse to smell his heels. I le ought to have succeeded better than he did, for he lost part of one ear in the attempt. It was done so quickly that it is possible we should have known nothing about it had the dog not mentioned it himself. lie never bothered the horse's heels again. Three days later, when the dog was trying to open up a conversation with a ilea located near his tail, the horse leaned over confidentially, and took a mouthful of special joints from the dog's back, and the mortification arising from being caught napping preyed so heavily on the dog's mind that he died in a few minute.*). Well, time passed, but the horse lost none of it. There wasn't a man, woman, or child within a mile of our bouse that didn't bear some mark of that animal's friendship. Like death, he was no respecter of persons. He never stopped to inquire whether a man was wortli a million or tenpence whep \ I y hoiue it took him l>y in. after laying nn egg she irevtuit this. I tilled nii ipper, and thu hon at« r mouth, and oniiie out- out, uniiie out to look at lin — mouth wide open, fitrai){lit up . Then nhe ircus horse. Once in a in a tone of nstoniah- lin. The old cci.'k came s came over the fence, jerforinance wad some- n good deal of human lance around, and have tire," and they could not 1, and with one accord re, the hrindle hen with ere, and the cock died 's back was my yellow ooked at him. It was I ad a dog, a black and who thought he knew d up behind the horse ceeded better than he impt. It was done so mown nothing about it ver bothered tlie horse's log was trying to open is tail, the horse leaned special joints from the \t from l)eing caught lind that he died in a horse lost none of it. ilia mile of our bouse lal's friendship. Like lie never stopped to ion or tenpence whep tfyss'saeswew^sest^s'iBE''? ^ ^1^ •c**^* ^. V ^ ^. /} IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) 1.0 1^ 1^ 112.2 I.I m M 1.8 L25 114 11^ Photographic Sciences Corporation 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580 (716) 872-4503 CIHM/ICMH Microfiche Series. CIHIVI/ICMH Collection de microfiches. j^. Canadian Institute for Historical MicroreproductJons / Instltut Canadian de microreproductions historiques T af a> ili th w Ui if r« ir ur hat and coat :ed a few steps silently. he Red Sea," he said, half-dozen yards, and then t so blessed sure about that POETRY. I I Note.— As there ia no poetry about mankind, womankind, marriage, children, or about other things, we are compelled to let poetry luxuriate in a separate compartment, where it will not lie annoyed by our other subjects. about mankind, womankind, things, we are compelled to let ipartment, where it will not lie THE PATTER OF THE SHINGLE. When the angry paasiona gath'rin^ In my mother's face I see, And she leads me to the bedroom — Gently lays me on her knee, Then I know that I will catch it, And my flesh in fancy itches, As I listen — to the patter — Of the shingle— on my britches. Every tingle of the shingle Has an echo and a sting. And a thousand burning fancies Into active being spring. And a thousand bees and hornets "Neath my coat-tails seem to swarra, As I listen to the patter Of the shingle— oh, so warm ! In a splutter comes my father (Whom away I thought had gtme), To survey the sHuation And make • ofier lay it on. — To see her bending o'er me. As I listen to the strain Flayed by her, and by the shingle-- A wild and weird refrain ! A sndden intermission — It seems my only chance ! I say, " Strike gently, mother, Or you'll burst my Sunday pants ! " 96 She stopa a moment, draws her hreatli, Tlien coughi a little coukIi, And ssys, " I never thought of that Just take those britches off I " Holy Moses and the Angels ! Cast your pitying glances down ! And then, oh family doctor, Put a nice soft poultice on 1 And may I with fools and dunoes Everlastingly commingle. If I ever say another word When mv mother wields the shingle ONLY A LOCK OF ILVIU. In the soft and fading twilight Of a weary summer day, I was in a garret, searching An old bureau stored away. It for years had there been lying, Safe away from frost and dew, And my curious nature tempted Me to search it through and through. f % . Faded lace and yellow ribbons, Laces half a century old,— And I came across a parcel. Tied up with a thread of gold. Something told me to untie it. And I did so, then and there ; And, unfolded to my vision. Lay a simple look of hair. V 97 rg her hreatli, ht of that 1 off ! " >l8! ;es down ! or, ' on I ; dunoes •d 1r the sliingU' I OF HAIR. [ twilijjht day, ching d away. been lying. }t and dew, e tempted )ugh and through ribbons, 7 old,- parcel, ;ad of gold. 3 untie it, and there ; vision, Df hair. Oh, what memories crowded o'er me As I gazed upon that curl ! How it brought to me remembraaoe Of a fair and lovely girl I One who was my pride and pleasure, One who, though now dead and gone, Changed my life from joy and pleasure- To a being old and worn. Slowly I rebound the package, .Vnd the tears came down like rain, As I tenderly replaced it Where for ages it had lain. Strange how such things overcome us,— Make our spirits sadly droop ! But how mad that hair had made me Had 1 found it in the soup. THE DOCTOR'S COUNTEECLA.IM. I woBKUD a month for Doctor Fox, And, when the end had come, I went to him to get my pay- Ten dollars was the sum. He gave me a receipt in full, * With grin of fiendish mirth :— " For services professional," The morning of my birth ! And now I think it would have been (No wonder I'm forlorn ! ) Ten dollars in my pocket if I never had been born. o 9S PERPLEXITY. " Now I lay me ilown to ileep,'' Tlie littlo fellow laid ; " If I slioiild die bofore I wake, How Nliall I know I'm dead !■ '^hM*"^ A NITP8EUY RHYME. TiiuHR was a young fellow named Gia, Who called on a girl named Maria ; And the Bhort-Bighted fool Took the stove for a Mtool, So it set hia best trousera on iia. A SABBATH-BREAKER. Thk girl was young, and very ugly, Her feet took up an awful space : Her fathor let her out last Sunday,— She broke the Sabbath with her face. THE INDIA-RUBBER TRUNK. TuK label said, " Don't monkey with This india-rubber trunk, [,i It holds loaded guns and pistols, A nd it won't stand any ' monk .' It holds glass-ware bombs and cannons, And you want to touch it light ; There's nitro-glycerine, gun-cotton, And a lot of dyrnmite." :iTY. ■n to ileep,' ■nid ; 9re I wuke, iw I'm (lead r RHYME. ellow named Gia, named Maria ; [hted fool >r a Htool, gern nil iia. BREAKEK. v«ry ugly, fill space : t Sunday, — with her face. BBER TRUNK. nonkey with ik, - :. pistols, J * monk.' )B and cannons, )h it light ; grun-cotton, 99 Fiercti the lm){)(age man then gralilM'd it, For it rousHd his aava^fe ire, And ho smaMhi^d it and he dashed it In a manner that was dire. And hi) boiinoH'l it and he trounced it, And he caved and raved and swore ; Then he buinpod it and he stnmpud it, And he wliooped and howled and tore. He ill-used it and he bruined it, And he tosaiMl it and he orutihed ; And he pitched six trunks u[)on it, But this one wonld not be muHhed. Then he dumped it and he bumi>ed it, For it rendered him insane, Then upon the top pile hum[)ed it Then be shrieked with might and main ! For that trunk Mid down upon iiim I And it bounced him, And it trounced him. And it chn>i;ged him, And it niUjL^ged him, And it Mtani[)ed him, And it tramped him ; Ill-used him, And confused him ; It kicked him, And it licked him ! And when they had stopped its jumping. And its thumping, And its clumping,— These last words they heard from Ghunkey, As they bore him to his buuk, " 0, my friends, don't ever monkey With an india-rubber trunk " Q 2 100 ALLEGORY. Man is the fish, Woman ia the line That dangles o'er his head, And hooks him neat and fine. She baits the hook, But the parson's the man Who flops him from eternal peace Into the frying pan ! A NOCTURNE. Across the moorlands of the not We chase the gruesome when, And hunt the itness of the what Through forests of the then. Into the inner consciousness We track the crafty where, We spear the ergo tough, and beard The ego in his lair. With lassoes of the brain we catch The isness of the was. And in the copses of the whence We hear the think bees buzz. We climb the slippery which bark-tree, To watch the thusness roll. And pause betimes in gnostic rhymes To woo the oversoul. OLD MOTHER HUBBARD. Old Mother Hubbard, She went to the cupboard To get the poor dog a banuoa ; But when she got there. She found sponge cake. And the little dog had to eat cheese, ■,..•«'- T lY. '6 is head, leat and fine. the man tn eternal peace pan ! RNE. js of the not isome when, of the what t the then, lOUsneBS ty where, ough, and beard brain we catch ivas, f the whence k bees buzz. sry which bark-tree, sness roll, in gnostic rhymes oul. HUBBARD. bbard, jupboard ir dog a banuna : t there, e cake, dog had to eat cheese. 101 MARY FINDER. Maby Pin deb sat by the winder, Watching the clothes-line dance ; When a Dacotah blizzard Struck her in the gizzard, And she lost her— sisters and her aunts. AN EPITAPH. Hebe lies the body of Mary Hatch, Who has ended life's strange story ; She slipped one day on a parlour match, And was carried off to glory. ANOTHER EPITAPH. Beneath this stone sleeps Martha Briggs, Who was blessed with more heart tlian brain ; She lit a kerosene lamp at the stove, And physicians were in vain. AND YET ONE MORE. This stone is raised to Horace Munn, Who could eat from dawn till the setting sun ; One day he ate till he fairly bust,— Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust. A TRANSFORMATION SCENE. She said " Shoo ! shoo ! " to the hens one day, For she wished to drive them all away, Those gay and frolicsome trippers ; But she chanced to slip on the treaoh'rous ice, When, alas ! her shoes flew up in a trice- Changed into a pair of slippers. T 102 A THRENODY. A FLIMFLAM flopped from a fiUamaloo Where tlio polly wog pinlded so pale, And the pipUin piped a petulant pooh To the ji;avrulous gawp of the gale " Oh, woe to the swap of the sweeping swipe That booms on the hobbling bay," , Snickered tlie shark to the snoozing snipe That hirked where the lamprey lay ! The glugling glinked in the giiminering gloain, Where the buz-biiz bumbled bis bee, Where the flimflam fletted, all flecked with foam, From the sozzling, succulent sea. " Oh, Bwitlier the swipe with its sweltering swe«p ! " She swore as she swayed in a swoon ; An! a joleful dank dumped over the deep To the lay of the limpid loon 1 ;• THE POCR WOMAN. Thb woman was poor And aged, and grey, A nd beat by the blasts Of a winter's day. And she wandered alone In the cheerless street ; And the poor woman's shoes Were full of feet. 1 . THB KICKING MULE. Thbrk was a little horsey man, His name was Simon Slick ; He owned a mule with dreamy eyes, And how that mule could kick. -.*aS^SM»*»-~ T DY. amalon . 80 pale, t pooh I gale reeping swipe i«»y." _ , jzing snipe •ey lay ! Ttimering gloaiii, Ilia bee, fleclied with foam, ; sea. 8 Bweltering swe«p ! " I swoon ; -er the deep i! 70MAN. >or ;rny. lasts [ alone street ; ian's shoes it. 3 MULE. 5 ly eyes, lick. 103 He'd shut his eyes and shake his tail, And greet you with a smile, Then gently telegraph his leg And raise you half a mile. He bit a Thomas oat in two, And pulverized a hog i He dissected seven Chinamen, And mashed a yellow dog. He kicked the stuffing from a goose. And broke a nigger's back ; He stopped a New York railway-train, And kicked it off the track. He stopped a steamboat with his head, ' And kicked it out of sight ; He kicked a boarding house apart ., At twelve o'clock at night. The boarders in their short night-clothes Just stood and held their breath, When he rammed his hind-leg down his throat And kicked "iimself to death. BEFORE AND AFTER BEFORE. Hk calls her his dearest, his darling, His dearie, his dove,— for you see. More frequent than raindrops in April, Are love terms beginning with D. AFTER. The cooking is really quite dreadful. The baby is howling high C ; And frequent as raindrops in April, Are phrases beginning with D. 104 DON'T LEAVE OFF. Some people think that all the bliu Ib tasted in one little kiss. They never stop to linger, when They might as well have nine or ten. Take my advice, now, all young men, And when you have the chance again, Jnat take as many as you can. Your girl will say, " This is a man ! " If she's not eas'ly »atis6ed, Draw her yet closer to your side, And kiss her till you raise a blister,— Then Go and try It On her sister ! WHY LADIES DON'T SHAVE. Natukk ordained, E'en simple things below ; On female's chins She ruled no hair should grow. How could they shave V — (Whate'er the barber's skill)— You know the tongue Won't let the jaw keep still ! LOCALITIES. Whitstabi.e for oysters, Birmingliam for shams Manchester for big feet, Billingsgate tor dams. T 105 I OFF. • • the bliw when ine or ten. t oung men, lance again, «n. ; i a a man ! " r Bide, a blister,^ — N'T SHAVE. (low; mid grow. '8 skill)— ep still ! IBS. a3'8ters, ' shams ; feet, dams. THE SHADES OF NIGHT. The Bbadea of night were dim afar, When Smithers sat on an old tram-car ; The air waa cold, and drear, and grey. And every zephyr seemed to say ILiy fever! And then some — , , .„ j . ^ The seats were cold, and chill, and bare. And Smithers sat and shivered there ; The whistlirg winds would shrilly blow, And ever seemed to whisper low, Neuralgia ! And then some— x,. x i The mules flew wildly down the tracH, The night air crept down Smithers' back, The canvas curtains liked to shake. And every draught brought in its wake Influenza ! And then some- Poor Smiihers blew his weeping nose. And shuffled round his frosted toes ; But ere he reached his humble door, Alas, poor Smithers was no more ! Ommmption .' And then some . . • . j undertakers took him in hand. And, preceded by a band, They dug a hole and dumped him in, Made out the bill, asked for the tin,— They didn't get it. And then some law suits. That's all. Stop fiddling. Good night 1 -^;;;^r,on & Spalding (Ltd.), General Printei-s, Marylebone Lane, London. W. \- Price One Shilling. Post Free 14. Stamps. T THE MOHAWK MINSTRELS' FIRST BOOK OF DRAMAS, DIALOGUES, AND DROLLERIES. By CHARLES TOWNLEY. CONTENTS. DIALOGUES. TFIE EASTERN QUESTION. SPIRITUALISM. BONES AND HIS YOUNG LADY. BONES AT THE PLAY. JEMIMA AT MADAME TUSSAUD'S. A LITTLE CONUNDRUM. A FOWL JOKE. LECTURES. LECTURE ON TEMPERANCE, LECTURE ON THE TALKI-PHONE. DRAMAS, FARCES, and BURLESQUES. RUM'NS FROM ROME. WAGNER OUT-WAGGED. THAT BOY PETE. WAXINATION GRATIS. S'CAT ! OR, A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S SCREAM. T D A Ai B( B( B( B C J" F Conbon : FRANCIS, DAY & HUNTER, 195, OXFORD STREET >^S^bv-%(6*-. ^v^V-^'^s^-V^— -''^"^■'"■-" - Free 14. Stamps. \ ^ I N S T R E L S' DOK GUES, AND RIES. TOWN LEY. ,A1)Y. ISAUD'S. IE. PHONE. URLESQUES. I NIGHT'S SCREAM. 5, OXFORD STREET Price One Shilling. Post Free 14. Stamps. THE MOHA WK MINSTRELS' SECOND ANNUAL. DRAMAS, DIALOGUES, & DROLLERIES. A Black Business. An Easy Conundrum. Bones's Abode. Bones's Fann. Bones and the Mouse. DIALOGUES. Bones on Acting. Dr. Settleum. Eleven Shillings for Ten. Lotted Pobster. Bombastic Appeal to a Jury. Caoch the Piper. Joe Jones. Ould Ireland so Green. Romance of a Carpet. RECITATIONS, &c. Speech by Obadiah Partington Swipes. Vas Bender Henshpecked? While you Wait. . Who would be a Boy agam ? Banger's Whippodrome, Black Lunatics. NIGGER DRAMAS. Ebenezer's Visit to New York. The Music Monomaniac. ContribtttoTS : Charles Townley, J. F. McArdle, Henry Pettitt, HARRY MONKHOUSE, HARRY NICHOLLS, W. ALLNUTT, Talbot Little, &c. LONDON : FRANCIS, DAY, & HUNTER, 195, OXFORD STREET. W. Price One Shilling. Post Free 14. Stamps. The Mohawk Minstrels' THIRD BOOK OF Bramas, Bialoaues, «r BrolUrtefi. BY ROBERT COOTE, BEN RAY, Junr., &C. ' CONTENTS. DIALOGUES. A BREACH OF PROMISE. A LOSING GAME. A PRACTICAL ENQUIRY. A SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY. A SHARP SUBJECT. A STRANGE CHOICE OF FRIENDSh-I A VEGETABLE INSECT. HOW BONES GOT OVER THE OLD MAN. THE GREAT BULL'S-EYE POCKET RIFLE. THE PANORAMA, THOSE ILLS WE HAVE. LECTURES. MOONS, SUNS, STARS, COMICKS, AND OTHERS. THE ELECTRIC LIGHT. DRAMAS, FARCES, &c. BARNEY'S MISTAKE. BRUISED AND CURED. GRANDMOTHER'S GHOST. OUT OF PLACE. STARVATION. STUPID SERVANT. TAKE IT— DON'T TAKE IT. THE MECHANICAL BABES IN THE WOOD. T ■.ONDON ; FRAHCIS, DAY, & HUNTKR, BMeim House, Oxford ^ree 14. Stamps. ilNSTRELS' >OK tic BroIUries, \Y, Junr., &c. T _• lENDSh.l [E OLD MAN. )CKET RIFLE. ICKS, AND OTHERS. IN THE WOOD. r//f mum mihstrels' FOURTH BOOK OF §XRmm, fialoguts, antr groUcries. CONTRIBUTORS : HARRY HUNTER. ROBERT COOTE. EDMUND FORMAN. BEN RAY, Jon., &o. CONTENTS: DIALOOUES.-A-Bucce88ful Failure. CoMider the Conie- quence.. Date Coffee. I'd die for Her. Insurance. Keep te the Right. Shadow Soup. HALF-A-DOZEN CORNER OAQS BY HARRY HUNTER-Doing Banting. A Good Boy. The ShorteBt Letter on Record. BaUooning. The Little Spanish Dog. Mr. Berry the Tidlor. LECTURE ON "SOUND." NIGGER DRAMAS, FARCES, &c. -Don't SpoU the Piece. GuyFawkesye Two'th. Over the Garden Wall again. Spnnk. the Baker. The Pilgrim Fathers. The Lawyer's Qerk. We are a Merry FamUy. Who Died First ? jn House, Oxford Street. Price 1/- Post Free, 14 Stamps. LONDON : FRANCIS, DAY, & HUNTER, Blenheim House, Oxford Street. THE MOHAWK MINSTRELS' FII^TIi BOOK • •(■■■ ^' ' ' it- ' ' ' '' DRAMAS, DIALOGUES, AND DROLLERIES. Contents. STUMP SPEECHES. Unsworth's Great Atlantic Cable Speech. — The Criais. — A Quack Doctor's Lecture. — Woman's Bights. — A good Name. — Brains. — Things that are True. — Dancing.— Kissing. — The Milk in the Cocoa-nut. — Or any other Man DRAMAS, FARCES, &c. Burglars in the House. — Caught in his own Trap. — Poor Joe. — A night at the Theatre. — Uncle Eph's Dream.— Beading under Difficulties. — Burnt to a Cinder. — Blinks and Jinks. — My Wife's Belations. DIALOGUES. The Doctor. — The Besponsibility. — Two smart Boys. — Isadella Hartshorn. — Fooling theBear. — Theyoimg Lady. — Who's the Mother. — The first thing that turned up. — Quack, Quack. Price One Shilling, Post Free, 14 Stamps. FRANCIS, DAY, & HUNTER, Blenheim House, Oxford Street, W. ;,!;%.-^S&SiSi5?^&- "-- N Th m Tn An Ro Th W( Te« Ole Sm Th( De< Coi Cai Fir A$ Pel Coi Pol Cal FB .. _-— •^' INSTRELS' ook: ;UES, AND [ES. 3peeoh. — The Crisis. — A lan's Bights. — A good are True. — Dancing.— nut. — Or any other Man in his own Trap. — Poor -Uncle Eph's Dream.- mt to a Cinder. — Blinks . — Two smart Boys. — Bear. — The young Lady. thing that turned up. — Free, 14 Stamps. House, Oxford Street, W. Price One Shilling. Post Free 14 Stamps. — • -^ ■*«,. ^v -N_-N,"N,-Nw -S, *N- ^* ™ THE MOHA WK MINSTRELS' SIXTH ANNUAL OF NI66ER DRAMAS & STUMP SPEECHES. CONTENTS. NIGGER DRAMAS. Tho NicarnguBn's Keturii Mishaps of Caesar Cruin Tragedy versus Comedy An Elephant on loe Rooms To Let The Actor and the Singer The Troublesome Servunt Black Justice The Great Arrival Swindlers De Trouble Begins at Nine Deaf — in a Eon STUMP SPEECHES. Women's Rights Teco Brau's Lecture Ole Mudder Hubbard Smith The Irish Question Soap-Fat De Bacon Question Locomotion Josh Billing's Lecture onto Musik A Midnight Murder DIALOGUES, &c. Declamation Come to the Bowers Camel Fireman A Student's Lark Penitentiary Copper Kettle Polishing and Varnishing Cabbage Field Pocket Book Blackberrying Wonderful Soap Popping the QuoHtion Lap Dog Arithmetic Book Keeper The Inquisitive Darkey The Baloonibust Con&on : FRANCIS, DAY, & HUNTER, 195, Oxford Street, W. X OLJITR NEW. X Price One Shilling. Post Pree, 14 Stamps. THE MOHAWK MINSTRELS DRAMAS, DIALOGUES, AND DROLLERIES, COMTAIMINO Seven popular Shetcbes, hi Performed by the MOHAWKS, NAMELY : THE RUNAWAY SLAVE. THE JEALOUS HUSBAND. UP GUARDS. AND AT 'EM ! RIVAL ROBBERS. UNEXPECTED IMPRESSIONS. REVENGE IS SWEET. THE PIRATE OMNIBUSES. ALSO NEW AND ORieiNAL DIALOGUES AND STUMP SPEECHES. FRANCIS,DAY, & HUNTER. 195, OXFORD STREET. W. jree, 14 Stamps. INSTRELS UES, AND lES, Shetcbes, HAWKS, AT 'EM ! I IMPRESSIONS. IS SWEET. \.TE OMNIBUSES. ND STUMP SPEECHES. , OXFORD STREET, W. I / I X QUITE NEW. X Price One Shilling. Post Free 14 Stamps. THE MOHAWK MINSTRELS' Ei^lntliL Book OF DRAMAS, DIALOGUES, AND DROLLERIES, CONTAININd EfQbt popular Sketches, A& Performed by the MOHAWKS, NAMELY : ANIMATED FURNITURE. PENHECK IN TARTS ; ob, THAT A WFUL EIFFEL TO WER. THE DISAPPEARING LADY. STAGE-STRUCK HEROES; or, PRIVATE THEATRICALS. OUR JOCKEY CLUB ; or, SIX TO FOUR ON HERRINGBONE. FEATS OF FEEOSOFEE. GRANNY'S BIRTHDAY. MONEY LENT; or, THE LAZY APPRENTICE. Also New and Original Dialogues and Lectures. Conbon : 'FRANCIS, DAY, & HUNTER, 195, OXFORD STREET, W. 1 SUCCESS GREATER THAN EVER. TWENTIETH YEAR OF THE POPULAR PERFORMANCES OF THE WOULD-in-\N()WNEl> Proprietors and Managers— BESSKS. mim FKAHCIS « HARRY HUHTER, AT THB ROYAL AGRICULTURAL HALL, ISLINGTON, LONDON. Easy of access from all Parts of thoMetropolisbyOmnibus.Tram, or Hail, The Compa^^^ V^-^^^^^^t ^^^^^^^^ with Originalitie., Varieties, and Comicalities. A„ the favorite Son.s and^r^-f^X-^^^^^^ '"^'^^^^^'^ J are now issued), and the ^1^°';^; ' j^^.tures, and Stuin;, Mohawk Minstrels' Annuals. 1^^\ranci8. dayT* hunter. •^V rnHWUlO, " ' STREET, LONDON, W. 1 HAN EVER. .AR Performances WNED msitrels agers- l HARRY HUHTER, m HALL, ►NDON. 8 by Omnibus, Tram, or Rail. imbering now Forty Popular mosl. brilliant and sparkhng .gramme presented ifl replete ities. r tlie Company are publisheaj enty-seven numbers of which ;he Amusing Nigger Dramas,! ,ions, Lectures, and^ StuuM' al Hall, are produced m the| HUNTER, ) STREET, LONDON, W. 18, East 22nd Street. •V'j M ItijM mi Mil— EgMWMi atmm