IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) W // // 'i/.. Q., 5r /^^/^ 1.0 l.i 11.25 1.4 ilM 122 M 1.6 P /a ^ /2 ^;. ^cr-l e. e), / / ^ /A Pbntnorpnliir Sciences Corporation 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER. NY 14580 (716) 872-4)03 A^ ^^ '^ '^ O ^> ^^ ^ & ^>' signifie "A SUiVRE ", le symbole ▼ signifie "FIN ". Mapa. plates, charta, etc., may be filmed at different reduction ratioa. Thoae too large to be entirely included In one expoaura are filmed beginning in the upper left hand corner, left to right and top to bottom, aa many frames aa required. The following diagrams illustrate the method: Les cartea, planchea, tableaux, etc., peuvent Atre filmte i dee taux de rMuction dIffArents. Loraqua !a document eat trop grand pour Atra raproduit an un seul ciichA, II est film* A partir de I'angle supArieur gauche, de gauche A droite, et de haut en baa, en prenant le nombre d'imagea nAca»aaira. Les diagrammes suivants illuatrent la mAthode. 1 2 3 1 2 3 4 5 6 L^IK'j^ ^^5r^3s*> \^3l. Minor. .'%s^^BHi -4A-> U' I i THE MINOR MISERIES OF HUMAN LIFE. LOT THE FIBST. FBIKTED FOR THB PB0PR1BT0R BT LOYSLL & GIBSON, AND BOLD BY MESSRS. R. AND C. CHALMERS, MR. J. M*COY AND MB. B. DAWION. 1848. ■■I 1 ^ n CONTENTS. Dedication. 1. Introauction. 2. Hats. 3. Buttons. 4. Coats. 5. Pantaloons. 6. Joots. 7. Cutting Out. 8. Shaving. 9. Prizes and Blanks, 10, Dining Out. 11. Starving at Home. i ' 1 { * t DEDICATION. TO THE MEMBERS OF THE MONTREAL SHAKSPERE CLUB. Gentlemen, " It carCt U doner is a very common expression, aud is applied, almost indiscrimi- nately, to every undertaking which promises either emolument to the projector or benefit to Society at large. The debates of the English House of Com- mons furnish us with evidence of many schemes having been treated as visionary which have more than fulfilled the advantages set forth in their prospectuses ; I allude par- ticularly to the acceleration of the Mail, the application of Steam Apparatus as a motive power, and the discovery of Gas-light ; each 6 DEDICATION. of these was, in its turn, treated as a thing which could not be done, laughed at in the Senate, and lampooned in the shop windows. In the country of our adoption we find that, although Canada is singularly blessed by the ample provisions of nature, it stil) wants something to improve the social condi- tion of its inhabitants, who appear to force their passage through life, almost entirely by the vis inerticBt and treat all matters of a bold or speculative nature with the same apathy which our forefathers did in England eighty years ago. It was for many years a settled opinion that it would be impossible to stem the current of the St. Lawrence with the power of steam — it could not he done! In the year 1848, we wonder how our predecessors raanaged without it. Thanks to the exertions of your own and several other literary and scientific Institu- tions, established and supported by public spirited individuals, Canada is at length emerging from the gloom in which she has so long been shrouded, and it is now no W: »" ; DEDIOiLTIOK. t longer a matter of mirth amongst travelleis to make comparisons between this country and the United States. Every observer can witness that the march of science is making rapid strides, and that, wherever the pecu- liM-ities of climate will allow, the improve- ments elsewhere made, in every description of the Fine Arts, are adopte "" . So far this is com- mendable, particularly when we reflect that Europe is, at the present moment, convulsed by wars and rumours of wars, and we know not how soon our protecting power there may be compelled to take part in the general fray, and, consequently, in some measure throw her Colonies upon their own resources. On the occurrence of such an undesirable event, the Canadians will then reap the advantage of your present meritorious labours. With regard to literature, I have often been told that it would be impossible to esta- blish such a work as the present with any probability of success ; friends were consult- ed *' It could not be done: Printers were requested to name their terms—" We have r-^m^^^^BM. 8 DEDICATION. been done so often, we wish to take care of ourselves." At length, bj perseverance It is done!!! whether its success will repay me for my labour is still a mooted question. The preliminaries being arranged, it was necessary for me to dedicate so great a little trifle to somebody j I made personal applica- tion to some gentlemen, whose countenance I considered would be propitious to my un- dertaking ; they, each of them, declined the compliment from motives of modesty. What was to be done?— How could I get a Patron? This perplexed me :— I had some thought of advertising for one ;— a friend advised me to omit the ceremony,— another suggested the Public at large, and a third advised me t- apply to some Literary Institution. I adopted his advice, and after thinking well, whether Her Majesty's Post Office would not be the most likely establishmenl to afford protection to Literature and Men of Letters, I concluded to apply to you. Your kindness has allowed me to dedicate this series of little books to your Society, '\-l ? I DEDICATION. 5* and I launch the bantlings into the stream of fate, convinced that, protected by your aus- pices, they must succeed. That you may approve of their style- that their faults may pass undetected— and that a large sale may induce others to follow in my steps, is the earnest wish of, Gentlemen, Your much obliged, And most obedient servant, JOHN GAISFORD, Theatre Royal, Montreal, dlst May, 1848 .} i I; .m^^^%-j^^ .•iiES-^ I"* 't 'f \ l' .» INTRODUCTION J ^ \y\t/ •^ v'>>v/ • /x^V •^>.^,**, 'f \ / An Essay on Man has already been writ- ten by a much more talented aumor than myself, and if I mistake not, something or other has aiso been published under the title of ** The Miseries of Human Life." The object of the present work i?to pick up what- ever little unconsidered trifles may fall in my way, and treat them as " Minor Miseries.' Whilst I crack a joke, or take a liberty with the victim of fashionable folly, I shall carefully exclude all matters which may har- row the feelings of the distressed ; pointing each Essay with a moral, or adorning it with a taLs I shall endeavour to illustrate, partly by adventures of my own, and partly by well known traditions, the folly of being annoyed by little accidents. At times, perhaps, I may become sentimen- tal, — it will only be when I cannot help it ; ■.'^•- 12 INTRODUCTION. that will not be very often, for I am, person- ally, one of those happy beings who can be pleased at hearing an undertaker crack a joke whilst he screws on the lid of a coffin; even were I the deceased, in this case, I think I should smile, and the probability is that smile would turn into a laugh which would once more restore me to the world, and save my creditors the expense of crape. My present intention is to publish a volume of these Essays once a month for such a time as the spirit moves, and the public supports me. Tnough they may be cried down by the undertakers, doctors and others, who live upon the misfortunes of mankind, I have no doubt that I shall find firm supporters in the Life Assurance Offices. The editions will be limited in extent, so that an early application, to myself or my agents, will be absolutely necessary to pre- vent my patrons from being disappointed. Theatre Royal, 1 31st May, 1848. j SE^^ '■r HATS. ) In arranging the system which 1 intend to adopt with regard to the Minor Miseries of Human Life, it is my intention first to glance at mankind and their garments, com- mencing with the top, and ending with the toe of their system, making a few cursory remarks upon such portion of their dress a:^ I consider fit for my purpose, and then pro- ceed to examine their various daily occupa- tions. An old song commenced, Vl/ * * * an elderly gentleman sat, On the top of his head was his wig. On the top ct* his wig was his hat ; clearly proving that, in any weather whicli would justify an infirm gentleman in swing- ing about on the top of a gate for the s(\ko '~^£i^x>i^.m^^m 14 MINOR mSERIES. of recreation, the hat was recognized as his extremity. Tis true that when the barometer stood at •* Stormy," the umbrella (a most undeni- able misery) might claim precedence of the beaver ; but as it is only an occasional a(3Uunct, I am not justified in mentioning it here further than that a parasol stands in the same relation to an umbrella, as the feminine, bonnet, does to the masculine noun substan- tive, hat. Hats there are, of every variety ;— old hats, new hats, beaver hats, straw hats, dogskin hats, and oUskin (or shiny) hats— of all colors, black hats, brown hats, white hats, and I must not forget the white hats with green brims which died in their infancy—of all shapes, shovel hats for clergymen, and fan- tails for dustmen, broad brims for quakers ard stage coachmen, and narrow brims for those who admire them, cocked hats for the navy, field officers, and footmen, and opera hats for those who make one article serve as a pro- tection for the head and a cushion to sit upon; \ ^. 'J I HATS. 15 \V bran-new hats for shop boys and gents, mid- dle-aged hats for gentlemen, and shocking bad hats for those who can't afford better ones. The bonnet portion of the family is almost as numerous as their brethren, and I will pass them with stating that I have some strong suspicion that the bonnets of gam- bling tables at races and fairs, are not of the feminine gender. The hat family is intimately connected with another one, the caps, male and female, which are quite as numerous as their cousins, and have members in almost every position in life. The child in his cradle, the nurse that rocks, and the mother that watches it, the maiden aunt that snores in her bed, the housemaid and her lover, the baker, the cook, the stableboy, the young gentleman, whether at school or college, in the army or the navy, nay, even the judge upon the bench, and the criminal on the gallows, all wear their res- pective caps, — there they are; lace caps, cot- ton caps, cloth caps, beaver caps, and oilskin caps, shooting caps, (including percussion,) ^-j&iH^^ 16 MINOR MISERIES. smoking caps, jockey caps, travelling caps, and caps to acts of parliament— of aU colors, black, white, red, blue, and party or many colored, bearing in mind that parliamentary caps are not often read. The wearers of hats on windy days, are subject to a great many dangers and annoy- ances,— chimney pots gain such velocity in their descent, that I doubt whether any hat is stout enough to prevent the proprietor from receiving much injury from an acciden- tal coUision with one of them; the same remark is applicable to the avalanches of frozen snow, which sometimes make their descent from the house tops of Montreal, and other places. Many people make their hats the recepta- cles for various small articles, such as hand- kerchiefs, gloves, newspapers, letters, bills, or accounts against folks they expect to meet with. If your hat is carried away in a gale of wind, although you may recov 3r it in a damaged or dirty condition, I will not under- take to insure the return of any items it -f ':r HATS. 17 ( J might have contained v/hen it first commen- ced its flight. Anecdote, (Personal and TVm^J— Some years age, I rode on the after part of a stage- coach, from Gloucester to Salem, both in the State of Massachusetts, and while passing the long bridge, in the vicinity of the latter place, a sudden puff of vrind carried my beaver far beyond my reach into the water; at the last gUmpse I could catch, it was bidding fair to wrest from the Cunard Steamers some of those laurels which they had gained for safe and expeditious passages across the Atlantic: but as Lloyd's books are silent upon the sub- ject, I cannot even hope that it ever reached Liverpool; the hat was gone and I was bare- headed; with the bare (or bear) faced impu- dence, which I can assume at pleasure, I was determined to have my little joke upon the occasion, particularly as I was a stranger in the place; for the remainder of the journey I assumed a dignified, statesmanlike appearance, and bowed continually, courteously and grace- fully to everybody we met or passed. The >T* ^ _.'*J6|» Ai^Jii 18 MINOR MISERIES. ^ {' Presidental election was coining off in about two years, and every free and independent Yankee was considering on whom he should bestow his vote in the approaching struggle. The Salemites stuck to Clay like bricks, and who does the reader think they mistook me for?— Henry Clay's grandson! I assure you I felt flattered, but was very glad to find my- self once more in the streets of Boston. Another (Illustrating a Yankee Phrase,)-^ Whilst prompter to the Charleston Theatre, in South Carolina, it was my duty to perform the part of the 2nd Grave-digger to Mr. Forrest's Hamlet; the veteran digger was personated by an actor who never could raise a laugh, and I thought it my business to en- tertain the folks in front as well as I could ; every word that Shakspere put into my mouth was spoken properly, but I made a little introduction of my own, previous to start- ing for Yaughan; with an impudence which astonished me afterwards, I insisted upon the first grave-digger's taking my cap, as a prize for the excellent conundrum he had just ^-^'^ HATS. 19 1/ vu propounded, and left him on the stage with- out an alternative; the audience hissed, long and loudly, and I almost concluded to forfeit myself a week's salary for this unpardonable introduction. Talking of hissing, I am used to it, and rather like being the object; it convinces me that the audience pay some attention, and are not quite indifferent, to my style of act- ing; this brings to my I'ecoUection another Anecdote of a Goose, — The Charleston Ma- nager did a very clever thing when he made up his mind that his Prompter's name should be in the small bills ahnost every evening, for, on those occasions, one young gentleman invariably visited the boxes, that he might vent his spleen against me personally; I could never appear upon that stage but a so- litary hiss greeted my entrance from the wing, and upon one occasion, when I per- formed a small part in Metamora, Mr. For- rest's business was to level his rifle alter- nately at another actor and myself, saying " Which of you ere prepared to die?" my fiir^v^rM^J :j^-|B^^:i«#!tsga^/- 20 MINOR MISERIES. V. friend in the boxes could not resist the op- portunity, and instantly exclaimed:— " Shoot him, damn him!" I am thankful to the tragedian for not taking his horrible advice, bnt°am ignorant to this day who my enemy was, or what were his motives. I never could recognize him away from the theatre, and am conscious that, as a citizen, I never gave anybody in Charleston cause oi com- plaint. I am now in the humour for telling stories, and wiU here mention another true one, which has some reference to caps, and would astonish and delight Shakspere.^Anjhodywho has reud«King Lear" throughout, must be intimate with the character of Edgar and his feigned insanity_ It happened some four yeprs ago, whilst I was living, principr^':' n.. a philcsophy, m New York, that Macready played the mad monarch at the Park Theatre; and I was giving some insight into the play to a bro- ther professional; we strolled through Broad- way very slowly, and just as we arrived at ■\ \t HATS. 21 the gate of the battery, where a great hulk of a fellow .vatched and disposed of a stock of apples, I was particularly energetic in my quotation of some of Edgar's mad speeches. " Pillicock sat upon Pillicock's Hill," " Pilli— loo— loo— loo. " Tom's a cold"—" Poor Tom," &c. ^ '♦ Shall I throw my cap at him, Sir?'" This was too -.uch for the huckster; he burst out " What's the matter with you, are you crazy?" I repeat it, William Shakspere would have been delighted to have witnessed the op-iration of his fictitious works upon this child of nature. I must not cheat my heir-at-law out of the profits he is sure to derive from the ^ale of « Anecdotes of my Life," by here inserting any more of them; but I will draw out for the benefit of gentlemen in diffs, the follow- ing ^ i?ccipc.— When you are particularly hard up, and morally certain that there is no other way of escaping from the snf.res of John 22 MINOR MISERIES. Doe and Richard Roe, write your name and address, in the very best hat you can appro- priate for the purpose, and seek some sequester- ed, yet much frequented, piece of water; there place the hat, with any other trifling articles which you think may serve as collateral evi- dence, close to its brink in a conspicuous place, and the chances are, that before long it will be discovered, and the water properly dragged for your body, which will not be tound at the time that the penny-a-liners make their last reports. N. B. — This recipe will also answer bet- ter than suing in the Consistory Court for divorces from refractory wives, and may be turned to account by young gentlemen on the banks of the Cam or the Isis, as a means by which they can make the governor fork over to a comrade a sufficient sum for fune- ral expenses, on an economical scale, provid- ed they are prepared to "pass through the ordeal which must occur on their resuscita- tion. ^. HATS. 23 i , / To return to the subject. Hats are manu- iactured with the assistance of wooden blocks, which will account for the term, blockhead, as applied to those stupid individuals, the pimples above whose shoulders are only use- ful as places for hats. Hats are sometimes poetically termed tiles, tops,roofs, thatches, castors,beavers and golgo- thas, and in addition to the ditty at the com- mencement of this article have become the sub- ject of some others, amongst them, one which was formerly very popular — its burthen was, " All round my hat," and no doubt owes its origin to the common practice of wearing crape round the hat, as a token of mourning for persons deceased, although that ceremony is sometimes used to conceal, rather than express, the misfortunes of the hat itself^ when it has received an ugly dent or inci- sion in its side, and its owner, like a true friend, refuses to abandon it, but binds up its wounds as he would any upon his own person. 24 MINOR MISERIES. Be sure that you take off your hat, when- ever you enter a house, even if you are the owner of the mansion,— although keeping covered under these circumstance betokens independence and proprietorship, if you ne- glect to perform this little ceremony at home, you may, some day, commit the same error abroad. \ C BUTTONS. These may well be ranked among the Minor Miseries of Human Life. Buttons are the marks by which we distinguish that era in the life of man, when he is first breech- ed, and requires the assistance of a nurse- maid to fasten his unmentionables. All who have been educated at Eton, Harrow, and other flogging academies, will understand what is meant by unbuttoning, and as they advance in life, take no little pride in their respective buttons of the army and navy; these professions rejoice in their patterns, in common with policemen, postmen, and flun- kies. The word button is sometimes used as a verb; for instance, *' button your lip" means the same as " hold your tongue." Not only the possessor, but also he who is deficient of these useful little articles, suffers B 26 MINOR MISERIES. on their account, and the man who is not able to sew on his own buttons, is very much to he pitied, particularly if he is a bachelor, — the in- conveniencies of his ignorance increase with his age, till at last the dashing youth of nine- teen or twenty, who commences his button adventr.res by tearing one from his wrist every morning, that he may enjoy the sensa- tion created by the tickling he receives from the pretty little fingers of his landlady's niece, as they restore the article to its place on his arm, finds that he is not worth a button, and that he can't find anybody to give him one with a good grace. I am one of those who may be termed the supporters of that system in which originated the " Song of the Shirt,'' invariably purchas- ing the ready-made article, without any at- tention to the fit or fashion, which I consider perfectly immaterial, as only a sample of the shirt is visible, unless you take your coat oft;— this operation is c-^^^idered very effec- tive, as a prelude to a sticet fight, especially if performed with nonchalance. BUTTONS. 27 t I did once, but I never will again, allow some amateur shirt makers to spoil a set for me. The purchase of a piece of Irish linen was the first operation, and after a delay of three months, during which I wondered when the young ladies would think i^roper to measure me, home came seven shirts, and an invita- tion to tea;— this was a cruel stroke, for I detest tea parties, and of course I pleaded indisposition; then, putting one of the gar- ments into my hat, I placed a hundred miles between me and the possibility of further enquiries. Great was my disappointment, and loud were my curses the next morning, when I discovered that my ingenious young friends had sewn the buttons, and made their holes, on the same sides invariably, through- out; I never was in a worse picl 'e, — one clean shirt (unwearable,) and one on (dirty,) comprised the strength of the detachment of wardrobe, which '.as 104 miles from the main force; the mail did not start till eight in the evening, and even if I had possessed sufficient money, it was impossible to purchase *^e 28 MINOR MISERIES. a flesh bag where I then was; — there were no gentlemen sojourning at the hotel, and the chambermaid was so outrageously ugly, that I had never yet (though a frequent visi- tor,) mustered courage enough to speak to her; — there was no remedy for it, and I con- sulted this ^^ Angel of the Attic,'' who, very good naturcdly, lent me one which she described as left in one of the rooms unbeknown to mas- ter, — and on this occasion, my difficulties weie at an end. Poverty, who, vulgar phrase says, makes us acquainted with strange bedfellows, has often served me a harsher trick than thst, by denying me even the moiety of a bed, and, amongst other arts and sciences, sLd has taught me the knack of sewing on my own buttons; — I had considerable practice in this at one time, when my two shirts had only one button between them, which did duty continually, and was never sent to the wash. I am now a proficient in the art, and will con- clude with a request to my fair readers, that they will refrain from the vulgar exclamation n ri i-j^.r 1...AS »»» V ' '^m'^m^mW'^- %c COATS. V. » ^ I Pursuing the plan I proposed at the com- mencement, I have touched the hat, fumbled with the buttons, and, leaving alone the nu- merous miseries which are inseparable from the cravats, collars, shirts and dickies, I im- mediately take into consideration, the coat, v.hich article of dress, (I am sorry at being obliged to make the remark) is of more im- portance than address now-a-days. Under this head, I shall make a slight diversion on the subject of great coats, waist- coats, coats of mail, coats of arms and coats of paint; — decency forbids that I should make any remarks upon petticoats. Coats are known by a great variety of names, such as Benjamin's,* D' Orsay, Moses- *When will Messrs. Benjaraiu, Brothers & Co., send one of their young men with a pattern book and measure, to reward me for this puff direct, in favour of their establishment in Notre Dame Street. ■'.' J, • *= 30 MINOR MISERIES. li es, Mackintoahes, Taglionies, &c. &c., and are subdivided into frock coats and tail coats; single-breasted coats and double-breasted coats; ditto, ditto, great coats; ditto, ditto, waistcoats. The reader must bear in mind, that nothing is so detrimental to the well doing of one coat as the I'-^vering it with another; for instance, if you wear a great coat over a dress coat, the latter will not be improved, whilst a coat of paint will injure the garment still more, without giving its wearer any additional warmth. Who, that has ever worn a jacket, can deny the fact that, the first time he assumed the coat, (either frock or tail), he grew consider- ably in his own importance, particularly if the installation was delayed, as it sometimes happens, till he had attained a respectable height, — which point may be argued; for I know several very little men, who are very worthy fellows, although there is no proba- bility of their ever wearing the unitorm of the Royal Horse Guards (Blue,) and for their COATS. 31 I / consolation, I ^^ill mention Napoleon Buona- parte as a cabp. in point, of a little man mak- ing a great deal of noise in the vrorld, and quote the old proverb that " The best goods* are generaUy packed into the smallest par- cels." All the Tom Thumbs are here expected to return thanks, and purchase at l,3ast two copies apiece of this work. I have a coat, now beside me, which if it could speak, would tell tales that would astonish some of my readers;— 'twas bought in Baltimore some three years ago, under circumstances which, although peculiar, will not interest the public in general;— enough for them, if I say that it was paid for,— that alone stamps it as respectable. But few coats have seen more of the world than the old brown garment I am now describing, which remains, and is likely to continue in my pos- session for some time, for I have determined to make a present of ii to the first man I meet, who is worse off in the world than I am myself; that coat has travelled too, and identi- fied itself with a good many . my own adven- 32 MINOR MISERIES. tures; it has often served as bed-clotliiug, sometimes as a portmanteau, sometimes as a pantry, and, although it has never been thrown up the spout itself, it has more than once screened other garments from idle curi- osity whilst entering those mysterious little side doors which admit the public into the presence of their " Uncles." '* Oh. my prophetic soul) my uncle!" look at him; 'tis really worth the while of any man, no matter how rich he is, to take a peep at the inside of a ^pawnbroker's shop. They are peculiar places, and I will here describe an average sample; first let me beg of you to put a bold face upon the matter; look up the street, then look down the street, then pull up suddenly at his window, caught by a desire to possess one amongs' the many items, useful and ornamental, with which it is stocked; if you cannot observe an acquaint- ance, get into the side door, which opens readily, and choose one of the row of little cells which you are sure to discover; you need not be alarmed, honest people go in there very COATS. 33 \ I often, and I never heard of any body being personally hurt there. You will soon be waited upon by on individual whose coun- tenance betokens anything but benevolence ; do not be dismayed; this is the man who is ready and willing to lend you money to any amount, provided you deposit with him three times the value, by way of security. If the partitions between yours and the neighbour- ing cells were made of glass instead of wood, you could then see a sight which would as- tonish you; whilst you are submitting some bauble to the inspection of your relation, on your right is a woman taking from her fin- ger the ring with which her liusband mar- ried her, that she may raise enough upon it to fill the bottle which is in her pocket, wi h liquor to make merry with on this the twea tieth anniversary of their wedding day;-^ • again en the left you would perhaps ^tice an affectionate husband parting with his watch or waistcoat, that he may procure me- dicine for his sick wife. The woman on the right is used to the business, and having 34 MINOR MISERIES. picdged the ring oftentimes before, soon comes to terms, whilst the man on the left who, like yourself, visits the establishment for the first time, hesitates, and thinks that he ought to receive a great deal more than is offered hira. Do not blush as you come out, and you will agree wi.n me, that the visit to the pawn- broker's has taught you a lesson. Perhaps I have no right to make this divarsion from the subject; I apologize, rnd point out at once, the miseries connected with coats, which are: — The delay you ex- perience before you first receive them from the tailor, and the well known ^^'usance of wearing them for the secor ' time; if the reader should wonder why I do not mention the first, my reason is, that the specimen of his art frequently makes its debut on the back of the rclineiders assistant. "When I think upon th^ bar-room practice of treating the company on the strength of a new coat, I cannot but reflect how different it is to that of our boyish days, when we generally found ^'■^ ^.,1 ; 1/ COATI. 35 half a crown in each of the pockets of a new jacket,— conscience money from the tailor, no doubt ! If you are a poor man, long before the coat is worn out the tailor requires its value; if you are reputed rich, he is willing to wait much longer for his money, in order that you may have an opportunity of ascertaining that he has not cheated you. If the value of a coat is of much consequence to you, the chances are ten to one that * meets with some unto- wai-d accident tne ve y first day you wear it,— do not mind that, be assured that noth- ing looks so respectable as a coat a little .Ic-imaged; in fact it is not everybody who can aitbrd to vear them in that state, — but you must not take, as authority for going out at elbows, that which is only intended to jus- tify the appearance of shabby genteel. No- thing looks so slovenly as a tear unmended — nothing so much betokens neatness and eco- nomy, as the same fine-drawn. A landlord is very affable when you pass the rcit from your pocket to his; but he is not so agreeable 36 MINOR MISERIES. when you pi-ad poverty, and walk away witli the rent under your arm. I do not think that any tailor would be justified in measuring for a new coat, a stranger who might apply to him for credit, whilst wearing a tattered one,— it not only implies poverty, but poverty aggravated. Moreover, keep your coat, whether old or new, carefully brushed,— this will help you along more than you are aware of. With regard to coats of arms, I am not aware that th v are so called from any extra riumber of limbs possessed by their bearers; it is more than probable, that these honours,' which can be traced to the days of chivalry, were first intended as rewards for the skilful manner in which our ancestors handled their weapons. The coats of mail, of the some period, must not be confounded with the scarlet arti- cles which are deiivered at the English Post Offices, on the Queen's birthday,— they were made entirely of metal, which circumstance COATS. 3? will account for the phrase, "as bold as brass," or as bold as a man in brass armour. Ajcoat of paint, when put upon a door or garden fence, is a great protection against the weather; and many ladies and gentlemen know the value of paint upon a time-worn countenance; this application not only makes the old appear juvenile, but young actors adopt the same plan when they wish to per- sonate old men. With regard to the waistcoat, many young men who have well made shirts, and embroi- dered suspenders, consider this garment a superfluity during the dog days,— we will do so on this occtis'on, and finish the chapter. PANTALOONS. .yN»\/\/vy\.' .• w* v^V/ V >•'. >on settle this matter; some have such very refined ideas, that they will not even allude tc this garment; others again, less sensitive, call them unmentionahh .->; I take them boldly in hand, withcit any fear of disgusting my readers by stating openly, that they are sometimes called troi.sers, and that they are in some measure ^elated to breeches. 1 repeat the word, breeches! AVhat harm is there in mentioning them? To be sure the natives of the Highlands of Scotland are so very refined that they not only object to whispering the word, but positively lefuse to wear any article so denominated. Of course there is harm in committing a breach of the peace, a breach of confidence, or abroach of promise, whether to pay or to marry; fre- quently, if a boarder is unable to meet his i'ANTALOONS. v^ x ' promise of paying his landlady, he settles the matter by marrying either her or her daugh- ter; we all know what the consequences of a ■breach of promise of marriage are; some harm may occur to an enemy when a British army makes a breach in his walls, but, as two negatives are always ccnsidered as an affirmative, there is no harm in a pair of breeches, seeing that they are clearly intend- ed f(ir the ' gs. Breeches are very ' ttle worn now, except by British farmers, postboys, huntsmen, dra- goons, courtiers, dancing masters, frequenters of Her Majesty's drawing rooms and levees, actors (professionally,) and footmen; they have given place to the pantaloons, which are calculated to conceal any deformities that may exist in the lower limbs uf society. ' It is to be presumed that no perscm will so foolishly identify himself with the climate, as to make a practice of wearing whitr drills in Canada, during tlu^ winter months; and I would nconnnend everybody to r<>member that the gentility of trousers consists in their 40 MINOR MISERIES. plainness of cut and color,— stripes and chequjs are decidedly vulgar patterns, and should be carefully eschewed; straps should never be worn except whilst on horseback; medical men say that they are apt to make mankind weak at the knees, and we of the old school know, from experience, that the average duration of pantaloon life, is longer without than with straps,— this deponent could here say something funny concerning pantomimes, if he thought proper. My advice to young men is, keep your hands out of your pantaloons pockets, and those of your neighbours, pay the tailor who trusts vou, and remember the old song: What signifies all the world's riches, They are nothing but glittering toys! With a light heait aid thin pair of breeches, We'll go through the world, my brave boys ! \. BOOTS. ,1, Beware of tiglit ones and, unless you are very rich, eschew those manufactured from French leather. The famine struck portion of the population of Great Britain cannot feel more oppression from the odious Corn laws, than Id. from the machinations of a boot- maker, who once persuaded me to enclose my understandings in a fashionable pair of boots, which, whilst their genteel appearance and brilliant jet polish made them the observed of all observers, the glass of fashion and the mould of form, tortured me in such a man- ner that, for the balance of my life, I shall remf mbcr the bargain. The memory of this disciple of St. Crispin will prove nearly as good,— they have not yet been paid for; we each of -s are punished, be for his deceit, and I for my vanity. What a capital thing it would be if we could get rid of our con- 42 MINOR MISERIES. \^ stitutional complaints, together with our debts, by a statute of limitations. I have long since given up the vanity of fashionable boots, and am content to wear the most plebeian kind of Wellingtons, taking good care that they are roomy and comforta- ble, and make a point of blacking them my- self, not so much from a sense of economy, which first taught me the art, but that I may ensure for myself at all times a good polish, and a timely hint of any dissolution which may occur between the soles and upper leathers. Innumerable anecdotes are connected with boots; bootmakers being marked out as law- ful game, by every Jeremy Diddler that in- fests" society, and I do not think that a sche- dule was ever filed in the Insolvent Debtors Court, without at least one of these trades- men being amongst the sufferers. Yet they wax rich,— how is u? Can anybody explain? their profits on boots that are paid for must be enormous, to meet the emergencies I have iust alluded to. 1 1 / BOOTS. ^■' TVie bf^st anecdote upon tliis subject, wUicli I can remember at the moment, is that of the gentleman in difficulties, who order- ed two pairs of boot., of two different art.st.s both to be sent to his chambers on the same day, and both to be paid for by cash upon delivery. True to the appointed times (lor the -entleman mentioned that delay might be dangerous, as he was leaving town,) each pair of boots made its appearance. Fair No 1 was tried on, and fitted admirably, except that the right boot required a l.ttle easing across the instep,-this, however, could be easily remedied by a few hours ap- plication of the last, when it would be 1: igM back and paid for. Sca.cely had the right boot of pair No. 1 turned the corner ol the street, when a single knock at the door announced the arrival of pair No. 2; they .ISO met with the approbation of the pur- chaser, but singular enough, the left boot was at fault upon this occasion, and it was necessary that it should go through the same operation as the right boot of pair No. 1. 44 MINOR MISERIES. I Left boot No. 2 departed to be stretched, and upon comparing the moities left by each tradesman, the gentleman found that he had an excellent pair of boots upon compulsory credit, and without any hesitation or qualm., of conscience, adopted them immediately. I have styled the hero of this anecdote a gen- tleman, for it was added in the printed ac- count which I read of the transaction, that he eventually paid for both pairs; it was not, however, mentioned how often payment was requested by each bootmaker, or how many pairs of shoes they wore out respectively, in pursuing their customer. Another anecdote, connected with my own adventures, may be ranged under this head. Some many years ago, whilst travelling on foot (literally, for I had neither shoes nor stockings) upon the forlorn hope, I met with one of those romantic incidents, which we frequently read of, but do not believe to be true. I thought at the time that my p';-e- grinations liad certainly come to an end, for 'A Stop was put to my progress by a toll bridge I l!OOTS. 45 across the Delaware River. The keeper wa. positive— I hud no money,— he offered to let me through if I would saw halt a cord of wood, as an equivalent for two ceat3,-thi9 was beyond ray strength, for more than two days had elapsed since I last tasted food, and I was nearly worn out. At last he relented, I entered a pretty little village, and was im- mediately made a lion of by its kind hearted inhabitants, each of them striving which could pay the most attention ^o their illustrious Isitor, who, tor aught they knew to the con- trary, might have dropped from the moon. One store-keeper insisted upon giving me credit for « pair of boots; the reader will naturally suppose that the objections I urged to this were not very numerous or difficult to overcome,-! accepted the proffered boots, which next day formed the basis of a brace of lawsuits, for when sober reflection hap- pened to my creditor, self predominated, and thinking that, although he had done a good- natured action, it was a very foolish one, he laid a trap for the recovery of what was for- 46 MINOR MISERIES. merly Ua property, and succeeded, leaving me once more to walk upon my own foUmg. This roused the indignation of the towns- people, and 1 doubt whether a general elec- tion could have caused a greater sensation than the stranger's boots. Another pair was almost instantly volunteered to me, and the lawyers of the place immediately commenced proceedings, in my behalf, against the delin • Lent. I sued him in an ac ion for " f rover and Conversionr and he replied by bringing a suit against - -e for the value of the boots; this was evidence enough, to prove my ownership in the property, and T recovered its value, with one dollar compensation lor the damage 1 sustained in walking through the snow, for half a mile, without them; I confessed judgment to the cross action but upon a principle of my own, allowed the plaintiff to recover his debt and costs m the best way he could. He has never y^t been able to make a seizure of any property of mine, and I doubt whether he ever will. Case for the Opinion of Counsel— Am I * I I \ >l BOOTS. 47 .uilty of swindling, under the circumstances :et fortlK or Ua. .he plaintiff any cla.m upon me at all, it seeming by Lis own admission that the goods, for the value of wluch he sued, were returned to him? I will leave this knotty point for tUo i;arn.d to unravel, when the ladies have retiredto their drawing room or wherever it is they abscond to, so mysteriously, upon hint from the head of the table. \!..l CUTTING OUT. Considered in a nautical sence, '^ cutting out'' is a very hazardous undertaking,— des- cending in the scale of meanings for the term, S7e find that " cutting out'' also implies the abstraction of a body from a tree, or a chim- ney, in which it may have become wedged. Item, it refers to the method 'n which milli- ners and . 'lors devise their manufacturers. Used tropically the verb to ''cut out;' means, to supplant another in the aftections of a fair one, the cutter on this occasion may think that he is performing a very capital joke; but the cuttee's feelings are not to be envied. ^'^ Cutting out:' of a country is another phrase for the vulgar one of "cutting your stick," and is generally understood as mean- ing mizzling, bolting, flying, running away, vanishing, absconding, levanting, or (in 'I CUTTING OUT. 49 ('/ The phrase is often used iiiconcctly, as when people say that such an one has " his work cut out for himr they mean to insinu- ate that it is an undertaking of no ordinary nature, upon wlileh liis exertions are requir- ed and so f I "om its being the fa.t that his Nvork is ah-eady eut to his hand., lie has the extra tronV - of finding th^. raw materials; but even this rule lias its contrary, ior lazy editors, playwrights 8cc , niak. a constant practice of filling their sheets with compila- tions " cut our from the printed works of others 3f the craft. Use the phrase in either of its senses al>ove described, or in any other which may occur to him or her, I doubt whether the reader will guess the motive which gave vUc to this little dissertation; 'tis nothing more nor less than that one morning I was liorror struck by discovering myself so firmly wedged m an under shirt, that I foun 1 it impossible to remove it from my body in a Icgitiuiute man- nar. Daring the fortnight, in «hich this garment had been my bosom tne id, I had V _ _„ ..^^...,.< .^iv «toiit that all my become oo ciivii^i-^ --••;' 50 MINOR MISERIES. ^ I efforts to draw the article over my head were futile, and I was under the painful necessity of cutting it in various directions, to accom- plish its removal. This little domestic incident has its inoral, in common with the mouse in the fable. Of course it gave the world at large an idea that I was happy and prosperous, and to say the least of it, was a most respectable reference for my landlord. It made me wonder what might be the reflections of an ammal, fattened with the most assiduous care, in order that his owner may obtain a prize at a Cattle Sliow, previous to selling him for his utmost value as butcher's moat ar.d melting materials. Do oxen reflect?— Do pigs ponder?— Are sheep aware that the ornamental raddle, placed upon their surface, is the hectic which proplKicies a speedy dissolution? I leave these answers to be filled up by the curious in such matter, and will no lon- ger detain my readers from the enjoyment of those anin^^al' comforts to which the dinner announcement invites them. SHAVING. TuE dciily performance of this operation may well be considered a misery, and I am afraid that my readers will blame me for classing it amongst the minors, it never being fully developed during the minority of men, that being the time when your young bucks shave to acquire instead of to get rid of a beard. There is no evading this ceremony,— if the hair will grow upon your face, you must re- move its superfluities, or be classed amongst the nasty beasts of society,— to me this diur- nal scrape is rather a pleasure ;-for the edifi- cation of my readers, I will here describe this simple portion of my toillet, in case they should imagine that I an. the possessor of a superior shaving establishment, which is not the case. My looking-glass is placed in a good position-the lather brush is a common ,»i.3'-. o2 Minor miseries. V- 7^d paint brush, and the emollient soap, from which I raise a lather, is nothing but the yel- low article with which industrious domestics scour the floor, — strop I have none, an old bound book answers the purpose; — I shave with cold water, invariably — and my best razor, (my stock consists of three,) is a detached blade which refuses to become blunt although it has not been set for fifteen months; — my grand secret is, that the appa- ratus is so simple, nobody ever dreams of borrowing it, and I make a point of passing ray razor, immediately after use, backwards and forwards over an old silk handkerchief which I preserve for that special purpose. Thatllandkerchirf! — although there is no strawbcn^ embroidered upon it — has a story in connection with its history, which is almost as worthy of record, as that cf the wiper which Othello gave Desdemona. I certainly was shaved when I })urchased it of a Montreal dealer, (Xanic! nan>e! ) for 3s. 9d. Cheap as r thought it, 'twas the most expensive thing of the kind I ever met with, for it did not I f \ SHAVING. 53 Vi \ survive the first journey to the wash, but came home in ribbons,— however, it taught me a moral, and bid me beware how I dealt again with . The custom of different countries with regard to shaving, are very peculiar. In the States of America, only a small portion of the population shave themselves, the most of them patroLise colored barbers, who have complete control over the carotid artery of any gentleman amongst their customers, against whom they may happen to have a grudge for injuries inflicted upon them, whilst in a state of servitude. Think of this, ye men of Mississippi, Alabama, cjc, Sfc; take care how you step into thr barbers' shops of the JSTorth. Spite of our national philanthropy and willingness to admic the claims of the Afri- cans, as men and broth.M s, I do not think luat a black man will start a barber's shop in England, with much probability of success. In fact, if we exclude tbe coul heavers, cos- termongers and that ilk, who expect a clean 54 MINOR MISERIES. ( shavo and a glass of gin for 2id, we are right in asserting that the majority of Eng- lishmen shave themselves, and, were he at my elbow, Mr. Mechi of Leadenhall street, would say: — ''purchase their materials at my shop, ivhich 1 can assure yon, Ladies and Gentle- ?nen, beats the British Museum and Mecha- nical Arts Show-rooins hollow in its assort- ments of useful and ornamental articles of every description ^ Mr. Mixiir. Sir, Should this meet your eye, will you please advise, by an early post, how much you and 3fessrs. Moses and Son, will allow me per week for ivriting your respective adver- tisements, — allowing me the use of your very best set of chessmen for my leisure hours, as part payment, — do not attempt to shave me. Yours most respectfully, TlIK AUTUOK. In France, the shaving business is carried on by young ladies; how they so habitually allow ilie moustachioes I cannot tell, — they SHAVING. Ot> are inconvenient to snuff takers, and look very funny when tipped with the froth from pints of porter. Dragoons wear them, but certainly not to prevent the progress of mus- ket balls, unless, indeed, the sight of the monstrosity has any effect upon the aim which an enemy deliberately takes at them whenever he has an opportunity. The shaving operation performed by the deputies of Neptune, at his shop on the line, must be a very miserable one to undergo. I have never seen the premises, so T cannot describe them or the modus operandi. In conclusion, let me caution gentlemen against leaving their razors within the reach of disappointed men, who may cut their throats,— or chambermaids, who may scrape their corns with th. ; -the effects of both these experiments, will be quite evident to you, when you next try the instruments in u legitimate manner. I have not the loquacity of a barber, so must wish you farewell. rtr- •-■. PRIZES AND BLANKS. Prizes, in the modern acceptation of the term, are of various and verj different descrip- tions,— formerly a prize was only given as the actual reward of real merit, and was of little or no intrinsic value; the honour it bestowed upon its wearer, being then considered quite sufficient to make a wreath of leaves worth an incalculable sum. Those were happy days, when men would exert themselves, at the risk of tlieir lives, for some sucli piece of trumpery as Avas then considered a badge of honourable distinction. It is not on rec ra, that the Ancients had ariythiiig approachin^r to our country cattle shows, or tliat Julias Cocsar, or any other noble Roman, ever took such liberties with oxen, rs to dig them in tlie ribs, to ascertain the extent of their substantiality; 'tis true iPRIZES AND BLANKS. 57 that horses were the competitors for some of their honors, but in those days there were no prod -ce stakes or handicaps, nor can the Latin for Tattersall be found in Lerapriere;— the glory of that establishment is due to, and cannot be wrested from, Great Britain. Prizes of the present day have a much more extended range than formerly; but ere I enumerate them, may I be allowed to say a few words in behalf of Mr. Bish, who has sunk into obscurity ever since 1826 I can well remember the sensation a letter from Bish used to occasion in a country village. How did his philanthropic advertisement run? Let me see! '" DouH forget that Bish disposed of the lucky number which gained £30,000 last iveekr (What an idiot Bish must have been, not to have k.pt it!) " Bish informs his friends that this is the very last of all lotteries ; as government requires the wheels of fortune for some other purpose* and * I have no reason f^r doubting an assertion I once heard hat the Monster Cheese presented to Queen via, by some loyal dairy n.en e.ght years ago. im naeked in a quondam Lottery Wheel. 6s MINOR MISEEIES. Vr. Hume objects to paymg the Life Guards, who esc(rt them.'''' ''Mi Prizes and no Blanks r ''Don't forget that BlsKs lucky office is in Cornhili:' Jm this last of all government lottery srhcmes all the numbers were prizes, although the winners of most of them found out, upon calculation, that they had gained a loss;-~I was one of the happy competitors, and felt considerably larger when my father told me that, although I was a minor, the whole amount of ray prize should be entirely under my own control; it turned out to be live sliiUings, which I never took the trouble of applying to J3ish for. If his heir-at-law resides in Canada, perhaps he will be kind enough to take an extra copy of this work, by wny of settlement, and I will waive ray claim to twenty-two years interest. To return to the subject, prizes are now awarded for superiority in almost everything connected with the domestic habits of men and monkeys, though of course in the latter <'ase, something eatable and evanescent forms PRIZES AND BLANKS. o9 the reward of merit; there are prizes at infant schools, prizes at Sunday schools, and prizes at board ^' and day schools. In these establishments it is curious to observe, that whilst the pedagogue is labouring to impress upon his pupils the value of a wreath ot laurel on the heads of the Ancients, he endeavours to prove the f\ict by the applica- tion of another vegetable production to the most sensitive portions of their own systems. As we progress through life, we find prizes and bonuses in every direction. The farmer respects ihc clown who has won a prize in a ploughing match, and the clodhopper, in Ins turn, casts eyes of reverence upon the mechanic who obtains a premium for invent- ing an improved implement. The farmer's wife and children take a lively interest in the Agricultural meeting, inasmuch as whilst the head of the family competes with his neighbours for the production of the best ox, sheep, or grunter, the largest turnip or tlie heaviest sample of wheat, they claim their rewards for prize poultry, rabbits and bundles '0 MINOR MISERIES. of flowers. The squire of the parish takes a great deal of interest in all these proceedings, well knowing how much they tend to betterthe condition of his tenantry, and consequently improve his property,— and at the same time he akes a pride in his own prizes; cups won by his horses and dogs, which it is his delight to exhibit to visitors, in connection with the honors and diplomaii gained by two of his sons at the universities, whilst his other child- ren are servin ^ their country in the army and navy. Don't these professions know some- thing about prizes and prize money? Oh, buttons ! — only read *he history of a campaign or a cruise, and after considering the risks our gallant defenders run, judge what a piece of ribbon, seventy-eight yards long, would cost, if worth as much per quarter of a yard as naval and military heroes value that quantity at, when in their possesssion as the support of a silver medal about the size of a shilling; — such is life, and strange as it may appear, 'tis nevertheless quite true, that there PRIZES AND BLANKS. 71 ■ are Boards of Directors who actually pay large sums of money as bonuses for dying, to the very gentlemen who have supported them for years. ^ , The term prize is again used, illegitimately though, in connection with gambling transac- tions°; — for all raffles, lotteries, &c., are nothing more than the fruits of t^ o early lessons implanted in the mind of youth, on Twelfth Night, on which occasion the drawers of King and Queen meet with temporary honor, and have to take doses of medicine the fol- lowing morning to counteract the deleterious effects of the evening's gorge. JV. B. — For anxious mothers — The tops of twelfth cakes are about as digestible as sugar of lead,— this leads me to commend to my readers the well known moial; may your evening's amusements always hear the next mornirgs reflections ;-don't take too much '.vine either at or after dinner. This is an excellent opportunity for me to sneak out witliout giving a dissertation upon blanks which arc blanks, and nothing more,— nihilo nil fit. ex DINING OUT. When I mention this subject, of course it would be very wrong on my part to class under the head of " miseries,'' all those de- lightful hours which we pass with our feet beneath the mahogany of a wann-hearted jovial friend, for, when th company is well assorted; nothing can be more pleasant; but every person present must be upon an equal footing, otherwise a restraint exists, which completely damps the spirits of them all. In regulating a dinner, great care should be taken in the disposal of the guests; the counting house arrangement of creditor right, and debtor left, looks very well at the top of a ledger, but the vis-a-vu, is not so pleasant across a dinner table. The man who sits next to the object of his uifections, his bride elect perhaps, is able to pour his sentiments DINING OCT, n !.- into her attentive ear, without injury to lus ulsfrom over exertion; but in the ev.=nt of Ue Teing seated opposite to each other. L ;Le%onimunications can o^^^ L„iel .,n h, the to, -legnipl, ^luc,.^; sometimes treacherous. f ^ ^^ J,, ^"'lti:r'the^ iW.r preset: of the S^rS:time.a.reatr.^^^^^^^ sensual enjoyments of ^^ "^^^^^^^ ,„b- enlarse much more upon ^^^V^^^^J^^,,, iect, but must hurry on to tiie ^e Sch it would be well for my readers to digest properly. ,. •-Rule u'-Kever Invite any -an to a dm ner party, unless you are cert«m that he .« " ovid dV.th a coat in which he can make v! Inocarance ^vithout being mortified at ^ TtrUu-e he cuts amidst a crowd of T ^1 r -ed correctly in every part,eu- f7 ; V X iio" you eaise by this, is only kn;wn to XW hiitiated, who might, perhap . 'Hter very well if properly accoutred. 74 MINOR MISERIES. but, knowing their deficiencies, often make themselves stiil more the objects of jidicule. Rule 2nd.— If you invite the Sheriff ot your county, be sure not to let the party include any gentleman upon whom he may have writs for execution. Official people smell very strongly of the shop, and should the Sheriff take that opportunity of execu- ting judgment he would only be following the example of the surgeon, who goes to (church with a lancet in his pocket. Talking of this sam j ''smelling oftJicshop,'' \U almost worthy of a chapter by itself, but I cannot afbrd it on this occasion. Almost ali tabic- talk is a compound scent of tlio dif- ferent shops, which are represented by the parties presen.. Tlie divine, of course, say.s grace, and the medical man pronounce 5 the provender to be very digestible, but hints slightly at the possibility of dyspepsia if some of his pills are not taken an hour before dinner. The host mentions tiie exact spot in his park on v/hieh the buck became veni- Hon; and the sportsman, wlio was in at Uk DINING OUT. 75 1 death of ,l,e last lox, takes that opportunity o, s.>u.g his horse to the wine merchant opnositolnm for a pretty ro«.a sum. conltn- 5.t upon his winning a hurdle race the Preliminaries of whleh arc entered .nto by con,pnny at h-rge. The merchant s .pu- lates tl ' pa.'t payment si^all be maue m ; „e, a , Jplc of wu,ch is on the table and r ing approved of, seeur.:- him a respectab.e :,U of orders. Young men i. che army ;oon fuKl eaeh other out, and enter ,nto conB- d^ntial ancedotes coneerning the men.bersof ,l"irren,.dive"0««;"thenavalofficersdeny ,e poiibUity of Groat Britain ever being : aded,a.,a. he lawyers r--nt, star a,t. ,le controversy amons.tt-msehes,whe.. v.ryuninteli.ible to every boc.ye!se,melud. ;„,;,,,, M. -. who .lands upon ..-s digmty, :i V. ill n..t divulge the seer, ts of a Cabmet ;,i,„th.. movements of which he .snot ac- ^ The forc^oiuu' is a d.^niption of country ,a,de.alU;in.o;ur,sratheraim.rent;l>unt,ng and hurdle racing give ,.lace ;o the r.se n. 76 MINOR MISKRIES. 2tGc]:3, and fall la sluckliigs; Cabinet manoeu- vres for those of the bank parlour ; and the naval and military chairs are occupied by a species of humanity in a male dress, with feminine manners, who stink the room with otto of roses, and confine their conversation to matters pertaining to theatricals. The former descrip- tion of dinner party is decidedly the plea- santest, especially if you can avail yourself of the alternative of a bed, in case the wine should happen to take any effect upon you. Rule 3/d. — When you intend giving a jovia,! party, do not invite any ladies, — ^.ive your own wife a new shawl, a check on your banker, and liberty to go a hundred miles away. If she has a sister or cousin at that distance, she will understand the hint, appre- ciate your kindness, and act accordingly, making a point of telling her relations what a dear, good-natured, confiding, unsuspicious husband she has. This plan may be carrit d out at least twice a year. I never saw any people who enjoyed life so much as married •■fc^/'ir* l\o ^ li /k 1 /^v^o /rjij*/^ //itoj DINING OU T. 77 Rule 4th, (co7itingent on Rule 3rd.j---li your estate and constitution can stand these little re-unions-your dinner party can be ex- tended to a visit for one week from each of your non-resident guest^. but you must be sure that you are able to accommodate them, anr'i. c ^ S*^ >%*^^%,mX s.*f^ "^-^.^^'^s.-^. --m il*^