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• 
 
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 -■^t' 
 
 m- 
 
SPLINTEES; 
 
 OB, 
 
 A Grist of Giggles. 
 
 " Laughter is the poor man's plaster, 
 Making every burden light ; 
 Turning sadness into gladness, 
 Darkest hour to May dawn bright. 
 
 TORONTO: 
 CARSWELL & CO., LAW BOCX PUBLISHEES, 
 
 1886.^1 
 
Entered accordins to tl.e Act of the Parliament of "ci^^^^Ti; 
 the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and erghty six 
 cuUu ""'''''"' """■• ''°'"°"'°' •" '''' °«^^« "' "'« Minister of a'5: 
 
 4^o^T 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 our lonll fr ""^ T"""''™^ perpetrated on 
 om long.suffenng profession, I started a Scran 
 
 Bo k and have now completed it. In the words 
 
 "H':otr?t:.''~'"°~^"«-'^« 
 
 . ''. ™^ ^O''^ is not one to read through at a 
 
 and re rtd \ " ""'' ''""' "S"'"' '""^ 'ead 
 and re-.ead whenever any one wishes to know 
 
 Urn the great, and the wise, and the good or 
 he h tie. the foolish, and the bad, have sa" 
 about the legal profession." 
 
 The Hackensack liepuhliem sajs •— 
 
 " Show us a man who has a lively vein of 
 
 IzZm ' "r""'""' »•"' - -"'hiryou 
 
 and svmn H r"°r*' ^"''^ '"'"' '^ 'ender 
 and sympathetic, and who is ever ready to lend 
 
 a ^Ipmg hand to a fellow-traveller on life's hi;, 
 
 way. Hnmour, sentiment, and charity, are the 
 
 Sty";Sth:^r.''-'^^'''''^«P-^-P'"icf- 
 
4 PREFACK. 
 
 This work is issued with a view of amusing 
 the reader, and if the compiler, with his *' Scis- 
 sors and paste " succeeds in so doing, his task 
 will have been a pleasant one. 
 
 Nothing is so well calculated to preserve the 
 healthful action of the human system as a good, 
 hearty laugh. 
 
 It is with this indisputable and important 
 sanitary fact in view, that this collection of scraps 
 has been made. The principle in selecting each 
 of them, has been, not to inquire if it were odd, 
 rare, curious, or remarkable, but will the scraps 
 raise a laugh ? That was the test question. If 
 the answer was ** Yes," then it was accepted. 
 If " No," then it was rejected. 
 
 Credit is given for all scraps herein where the 
 author of them is known, and if omitted, it \^'a!^ 
 because he was not known. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OB, A &RIST OF (JIGGLES. 
 
 THE WEED IN COURT. 
 
 JUDGES WHO ARE PROPERLY SENSITIVE ON THE 
 SUBJECT OP SMOKING IN COURT. 
 
 During the little excitement in Judge Blodgett's 
 court yesterday, when the men indicted for com- 
 plicity in the election fraud procured bail, Lonrr 
 Jones appeared with a lighted cigar between the 
 lirat and second fingers of his left hand. The 
 blue smoke curling lazily upward from it claimed 
 the close attention of Mr. Dawes, Mr. Tuthill's 
 able young assistant, who, knowing that to Judge 
 -Blodgett's delicate st i^es tobacco smoke was very 
 offensive, evinced a peculiar interest, expecting 
 the judge to rebuke the bold marshal for his 
 temerity. The judge was quick to perceive the 
 odour of a cigar. It makes him sick. He 
 glanced at it narrowly once or twice, and he 
 would very likely have reminded Mr. Jones of 
 the dignity of the court-room had not the mar- 
 shal tossed the objectionable weed suddenly in 
 
G 
 
 BPUNTEU8 ; OR, A 0IU8T OF OIOOLRS. 
 
 the cuspidor. Mr. Dawes looked immensely 
 relieved, and foUowo.l the retreating form of 
 Jones with his eyes out of the door. 
 
 "That makes me think of Judge Gray, of fios- 
 ton remarked the young lawyei. with a smile, 
 as he turned around, •• Judge Gray is more sensi- 
 tive as to the observance of the proprieties of the 
 court than Judge Blodgett, though he does not oh- 
 
 jecttoacigaroutsidetheeourt-room.OnedayGen 
 i3arney, a Jaw partner of Gen. Butler, had a 
 case to try before him. He came into the court- 
 room With a fresh, mdighted cigar between his 
 migers As he advanced to a position opposite 
 the judge he elevated his hand conspicuously 
 but naturally towards his breast, with the cigar 
 outward. Holding it thus, with his right hand 
 resting on the table, he said: 'May the court 
 please! The judge was rummaging indus- 
 triously among a pile of papers, and there was 
 no. a scintilla of even circumstantial evidence to 
 indicate that he heard the preliminary remark 
 ot the learned counsel, spoken for the direct pur- 
 pose of attracting attention. Gen. Barney there- 
 fore repeated: 'May the court please!' but 
 though intonated, inflected, and emphasized, the 
 request fell upon deaf ears. Still rumma-in^r 
 among the papers, the judge said, gravelyl * I 
 do not hear you.' 
 
 "Baising his voice to its highest pitch, and 
 still holding the cigar in a conspicuous position. 
 
LE8. 
 
 immeriHely 
 ; form of 
 
 ly, of Bos- 
 ii a Binilc, 
 lore sensi- 
 tiea of tlie 
 '68 not ob- 
 3 day Gen. 
 3r, h(i(l a 
 ihe court- 
 ween his 
 
 oi^positc 
 ^icuously 
 fclie cigar 
 ;ht hand 
 ihe court 
 ? indus- 
 here was 
 idence to 
 
 remark 
 'ect pur- 
 )y there - 
 
 !' but, 
 zed, the 
 imaging 
 ely: *I 
 
 ch, and 
 osition» 
 
 BPLINTEIIS ; OR, A OUIST OF 0IG0LK8. 7 
 
 Gen. Barney screamed : ' May the court please, 
 I desire- ' 
 
 " ' I don't licar you,' interrupted the ju.lire, 
 with a phlegmatic and resigned air, a, he jotted 
 down a memorandum on a pieee of paper, ' and 
 It IS my opmion,' he added slowly, • that I shall 
 not be able to do so until the learned counsel 
 hrows away his cigar.' Tossing the cigar to 
 the farthest corner of the court-room, Barney 
 made a ow obeisance before the honourable 
 court, ami as a deep blush suffused his face, he 
 said : Uill the court accept my earnest apology 
 for the unmtentional slight to his deserved dit. 
 mty ? I assure your honour it was thoughtless- 
 ness Judge Gray graciously accepted theamende 
 and Gen. Barney proceeded with the case, having 
 acquired a heightened opinion of Gvm."~Chi. 
 cafioNeica. ' 
 
 ABOUT EVEN. 
 
 A «ood story is told of the well-known end- 
 neer W. A. Sweet, of Syracuse, N. Y. Casuaflv 
 meetmg a promment lawyer one day, a brie'f 
 conversation ensued, in the course of ^hich Mr. 
 Sweet happened to ask " the judge " what he 
 
 l;t^' f ,?■"' '""'""" "^^y "^'^ discussing, 
 wi hout really meaning to ask legal advice in the 
 usual way. Soon afterward Mr. Sweet received 
 
"* 
 
 8 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 a bill from the judge, " for legal advice, $1,000," 
 which he paid promptly without a word of com- 
 plaint. Time passed on, and one day the judge, 
 who was heavily interested in the salt manufac- 
 ture, needed mechanical advice about some 
 machinery which was not running satisfactorily, 
 and asked Mr. Sweet to lock at the machines, 
 and tell him what was needed. Mr. Sweet 
 looked them over for two or three hours, and 
 indicated the cause of the trouble. When he 
 went home he promptly made out a bill against 
 the judge, " for mechanical advice $1,200 ! " and 
 the bill was duly paid, furnishing probably one of 
 the few instances on record in which mechanics 
 ever got ahead of the law. 
 
 LEGAL LOKE. 
 
 At the police court : " I was sitting in the 'bus 
 and the prisoner was beside me, when suddenly 
 I felt him introducing his hand into my pocket 
 in a clumsy manner." Prisoner (bursting into 
 tears)—- Your honour, I implore the protection 
 of the court. 1 protest against any slanderers 
 on my professional ability."— Xe Figaro, 
 
 Fond papa (who is also a circuit judge),—" It 
 strikes me, Florence, that that young gentleman 
 
tLES. 
 
 3, $1,000," 
 rd of com- 
 the judge, 
 manufac- 
 out some 
 isfactorily, 
 machines, 
 Ir. Sweet 
 ours, and 
 When he 
 W against 
 50!" and 
 3ly one of 
 lechanies 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 9 
 
 (•aJs a good many times a week. My court 
 doesn't sit anywhere near as often as yours does." 
 Florence (blushingly)-.' Oh, well, papa, I am 
 engaged, you know, and that entitles us to a 
 court of special session 8."-//«ri,,,', Ba.aar 
 
 Honour O'Loghlen, th. hostess of the Grid- 
 iron, an old hotel which Irish lawyers frequented, 
 had a ready wit. Happening to enter the bar- 
 room after dinner, Curran proposed her health. 
 
 I give you gentlemen," he .aid, " honour and 
 honesty. Possibly the worthy landlady did not 
 feel complimented, for she readily rejoined,- 
 
 ifour absent friends, Mr. Curran." 
 
 I the 'bus 
 suddenly 
 y pocket 
 iing into 
 'otection 
 anderers 
 
 '),— " It 
 itleman 
 
 It was a case of breach of promise. The defen- 
 dant was allowed to say a word in his own behalf. 
 
 ^es, he said, - I kissed her almost continu- 
 ally every evening I called at her house." Law- 
 .yerfor the claimant: "Then you confess it ?" 
 
 De e,da„t : . Yes, I do confess it ; but I h 
 ^o It. Lawyer : - Had to do it ? What do 
 you mean?" Defendant: " That was the ol 
 way I could keep her from singing." The iurv 
 
10 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 There is a story told by an eminent judge, still 
 living, though retired from the bench, which 
 illustrates the importance of a voluntary confes- 
 sion better than the most elaborate argument. 
 A prisoner tried before him for larceny had 
 admitted his guilt when apprehended, but at the 
 trial was defended with great persistency by able 
 counsel. ** Gentlemen," said the judge to the 
 jury, "the prisoner says he is guilty. His 
 counsel says he is not. You must decide between 
 them." Then, after a pause, he added : " There 
 is just bne thing to remember, gentlemen. The 
 prisoner was there, and his counsel wasn't." 
 
 S'POSIN'. 
 
 One of Max Adeler's characters enters a law- 
 yer's office, and says : " I called in, judge, to get 
 your opinion about a little point of law. S'posin' 
 you lived next door, to a man named Johnson. 
 And s'posin' you was to say to Johnson that a 
 splendid illustration of the superiority of the 
 human intellect was to be found in the power of 
 the human eye to restrain the ferocity of a wild 
 animal. And s'posin' Johnson was to remark 
 that that was all bosh, and you should declare 
 that you could hold the savagest beast that was 
 ever born if you could once fix your gaze on him. 
 Well, then, s'posin' Johnson was to say he'd bet 
 a hundred dollars he could bring a tame animal 
 
SPLINTERS ; OB, A ORIST OF OiaOLES. U 
 
 that you couldn't hold with your eye, and you 
 was to take him up on it, and Johnson was to 
 ask you to come down to his place to settle the 
 bet. You'd go, we'll say, and Johnson'd intro- 
 duce a dog bigger'n any four decent dogs ou-ht 
 to be and sick bim on you, and he'd come at 
 you like a 16-inch shell out of a howitzer, and 
 you d get skeery about it, and try to hold the dog 
 with your eye, and couldn't. And s'posin' you',1 
 suddenly conclude that maybe your kind of an 
 eye wasn t calculated to hold that kind of a do" 
 and you'd conclude to break for a plum tree.' 
 iou ketch my idea ? Very well, then. Well 
 sir s posin' just as you got three feet up the tree' 
 Johnson s dog would grab you by the leg,- and' 
 hold on like a vise, shaking you until you nearly 
 ost your hold. And s'posin' Johnson was to 
 stand there and holler, • Fix your eye on him, ■ 
 ■Briggs and so on ; and s'posin' be kept that 
 dog on hat leg until he made you swear to pay 
 that bet, and then, at last, had to pry the dog 
 off with a hot poker. S'posin' this, what I want 
 
 ihZTf^ ""'"^'^ '"^^^ °"* ^'^^^^y ^arry until 
 tiiey had spun a complete set of bed furniture • 
 lience the term spinster, which is still in use. ' 
 
12 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 A JUDGE OFF THE BENCH. 
 A young lawyer once qnite forgot himself in 
 .ome curt expressions to the court' but t"e dg" 
 ^as a sensible n>an, and in consideration of the 
 mmatunty of the member of the bar. trea ed 
 tl.e matter rather gently. He made it cTea, 
 however, that the style had better not be used 
 again, and remarked significantly, "Thiscn 
 as naturally quick-tempered." A remark bvt^' 
 way not^napplicable to the late CM f j1 
 Bigelow who on one occasion, was brought to 
 
 at On ''*^"'''"8 "> ^ "M which did not stop 
 at Quincy. where he resided, and as it Z? 
 passing by. he pulled the rope.'and he trai'n L 
 l^rought to a sudden stop. The conductor rushed 
 nto the car and demanded : " Who ri.n» ti. ! 
 .>;enr " I did,- said the chief Ju^^ltl-Xr 
 
 rofdX , "'.°','°f * '"'' " "' ^^'"^ *•>« rail- 
 road official indulged in some remarks which 
 
 dent of fh ''?"■''' complained to the presi- 
 mt er P "f'^^ho promised to look into the 
 ™tter. But he found that, although the con- 
 due tor might have used hot Jangua|e. the CWef 
 
 latter t ^1 "''^ °''" '"^* l*? chance, the 
 latter demanded of the president whethe^ he 
 
SrUNTEES ; OE, A GRIST OP QIGnLES. 18 
 
 had reprimanded the conductor. " I spoke to 
 h.m," was the reply. " Well, what did he say ?" 
 He said tuat he was coming up some day to ad- 
 journ your court." The irate magistrate saw the 
 pomt and d.d not pursue the investigation 
 
 THE GIRL'S GUESS. 
 
 An Auburn lawyer's little daughter goes to 
 Sunday schoo and is in a class wHh other "tt 
 
 hasn t allowed for the sharp ears and the bright 
 
 eyes of h,s little one as much as he might l' 
 
 was m a review last Sunday in her clasl 'tI ^ 
 
 eacher was going over the good old story f 
 
 iimg Solomon and his wisdom. '■ Now dears 
 
 m.ks and mdes to see this king ?" Silence pre! 
 v^led ,n the class. " Why, you do know, aS f 
 jou, the queen who came to see the king?" The 
 
 heTthemtn'Tr''^'''^"'--^-^^-^^ 
 to „V ,'.^'''°'' b«tn>i8guided teacher began 
 
 sure. The name began with S, and she was n. 
 very great queen." Just then™ shot a Tttl! 
 
 Sir T'%r *^'-p'>antt:L:of 'tL' 
 
 little Auburn g,rl. She transfixed ' the listening 
 
14 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A OHIST OF OIOOLES. 
 
 school-room with the following brief statement, 
 m a clear, busmess-like voice : " I know, teacher 
 It was the Queen of Snadps " t. • , ''•^^cner, 
 v^uccuui opaaes. —Lewiaton Journal 
 
 A BAD INDICTMENT. 
 
 cou^rt'for^'lhnT'''^ '^f '" ^^' ^^^^'^""^^ before 
 court for shooting and killing a friend THp 
 
 - ence was direct, and after LJ^^^^^^^ 
 inents had been made the judge said: 
 
 It 1^ clearly proven that you are guilty as 
 charged by the indictment." ^ 
 
 "But I protest my innocence," replied thp 
 prisoner ;' The indictment reads that I lid 
 shoot and kill the gentleman with powder and a 
 ea en bullet. This is a mistake' I bad ,0 
 bullets at the time, so I loaded my gun with 
 I'owder and a horseshoe nail." 
 
 '' Tb?'^'"f ''^ '^*''' *^' '''''' ^ «^id the judge. 
 The indictment said bullet, when it should' 
 lave said nail. You are discharged sir '-- 
 Arkansas Traveller. b bii. 
 
 APPOINTED TO OFFEND HIM. 
 
 A prominent lawyer now practising in New 
 York city, tells the following : 
 
 «n^^^''^''/'''^'^''^' ""^^^ indictment for 
 ■some trivial offence, and was without counsel 
 
LES. 
 
 ifcatement, 
 , teacher; 
 I Journal. 
 
 ed before 
 id. The 
 ve argu- 
 
 ?uilty as 
 
 lied the 
 t I did 
 31" and a 
 had no 
 m with 
 
 i judge. . 
 should 
 sir." — 
 
 I New 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF OIOGLES. 15 
 
 The judge appointed me to him. I was young 
 and very fresh at the time, and it was my first 
 case in court. 
 
 '• As I walked forward to consult with my client 
 he turned to the judge and said ; 
 
 " ' Yo' honah, am dis de lawyer what am 
 depomted to offend me ? ' 
 
 "'Yes.' 
 
 •' ' Well,' said the old darkey, ' take hit away, 
 jedge, I pleads guilty.' "—New York Star. 
 
 " Well," said an Irish attorney, - if it plaze 
 the court, if I am wrong in this I have another 
 pomt that is equally conclusive." 
 
 Lord Norbury, when once charging a jury in a 
 breach of promise case, noticed that the letters 
 of the faithless defendant had been so long in the 
 plaintiff's pocket -^r so often shown to her sym- 
 pathizing friends, that they were greatly frayed at 
 the folds and almost in tatters. - Gentlemen " 
 said Lord Norbury, carefully holding up one of 
 the epistles to the gaze of the jury, " it is easy 
 to see that these are love letters, because they're 
 ■so exceedingly tender !" 
 
 / 
 
16 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A QBIST OF GlOaLES. 
 
 "There my daughter," said the old man 
 Placmgadeed for a beautiful mansion amom: 
 he weddmg gifts, .. is ruy present, and my b? 
 washes for your future happines go ^fh f 
 God bless you, my ehild; God bless you" "a, { 
 be turned away choked with emotion. '^•. Is the e 
 a mortgage on it, papa ?" she asked br Lhtlv 
 
 ".Hhedeed;it.s;:t;,;„X:"""'""'°"^^ 
 
 haf!usirf "/"".'"''" °" '•^"""^ " o^e that 
 has just been termmated at St. Marys, Md The 
 
 ueuvery. Ihe vendor succeeded in gettino th. 
 cow to the fence of the vendee, but in gettght 
 withm the enclosure she fell when hallway ovej 
 
 forUtralfthl'i:!' ''"' '''"""'' """-'^ 
 
 lirld^J'ri r', ^°" "^'^ ""« fi«' *ot was 
 
 StLgti.'''''^^^-^'''-'''-^'-- 
 
 "I was lying on a sofa." 
 *' And where was your husband ?" 
 He was lying down in the back gallery." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP OiaOLES. 1? 
 
 " And where were your children ?" 
 !i They were all lying on the bed fast asleep." 
 Any other members of your family lying 
 down ?" 
 
 " Not that I know of; but if my brother had 
 been there he would have been lying down in the 
 court-house. He is a lawyer, like you:'— Arkan- 
 sas Traveller. 
 
 THE MAN WHO WANTED INFOKMATION. 
 
 Yesterday noon, while all the people around 
 the office except the " head reporter " were at 
 dinner, the smell of smoke suddenly became 
 apparent, and a fat man, smoking a big pipe, 
 came toiling up-stairs. When he had recovered 
 his breath and taken a seat, he inquired : 
 
 " Is der big editor what knows everydings in ?" 
 
 " No— gone to dinner," was the reply. 
 
 " Und he shall come back purty soon ?" 
 
 *' In about two hours." 
 
 " I can't wait so quick as dot ; I half to go to 
 a funeral." 
 
 '* Did you want anything ?" 
 
 " Yes. I wants to know somedings about dot 
 Peecher scandal. You zee, one day about dree 
 months ago, a fellow comes mit my saloon und 
 he says : ' Did you hear noddings about Mr 
 Peecher ?' Und I say nix ; and he say Mr' 
 reecher shtole corn." 
 
 " Yes." 
 2 
 
18 
 
 SI'MNTKIW ; on, A OWHT OF GlaoMB. 
 
 i 
 
 l^m <ler next day when I wont hon.o my wife 
 8ay» : |)„l yo„ 1 „„j,,i„^^ ^^^^^^ Mr.I'eech- 
 
 " Ye"" "" ' *''■■ ^''■''•''■''"' «'"«1<"' <)<>«•'" 
 
 "bout Mr. Peecher ?' VM I «ays no'man can 
 be a goot man wbo will sl.teal a .lo^. U. d den 
 everybody laughs and winks, und I don't'kno: 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 •'Uhdwhen I was in der Zity Hall a man 
 
 •rent, s Mr. Peecher guilty ?' Und I said ' I 
 dunno, and he said ■ Mr. Peeeher hired a man 
 to blow up a schurch mit a barrel of bowder." 
 
 " U>id den when I was in Dearborn a man 
 look, bretty sharp at me und says . • You liTi" 
 Dadrmt, don't you ?• Und I said I lif in Da o 
 Und he says : ' What is your shudgment on dot 
 
 sa d M, .Peecher had a fight mit a zircus man.' " 
 les. 
 
 nl?? "*"'" ""^ P'8 poy come home from 
 
 <t Mr P T '■ I "'^f""' """ y«» "^^ ''bout 
 dot Mr. Peecher ?• Und I says, I dunno, Hans. 
 
 Und he says Mr. Peecher got some glo.e and 
 
 shumped der tailor's bill.' " b « ana 
 
 " Yes." 
 
»w.iNTK,„ ; on, * o«isT OP amou.:H. 19 
 
 " "'"' *'"'" I «"«« I'omo, or i„ dor street car 
 or m.t „,y zaloon, „r i„ .,or bort-olfiee, HomcZw 
 my »o,no,l,ns, .bo„t dot I'oeeher i,i«i;esrm^ I 
 .l.muo wl.0 is dot Mr. l-eeehcr ? Where h;"";,' 
 
 J.J,;;;.'' «'-' >--'-. and l,e live, in 
 " Zo ? Und what he do ?" 
 "He got one of those tobacco boxes win, „ 
 needle .„ the cover, anu carried it arlLl i " .i^ 
 ocket. When a man tried to open it the need e 
 «o„ mto „s thumb about twenty-five feet " 
 IS (lot bossiblo ?" 
 
 " y^'«. »"'! 1.0 had his vest pocket made so 
 loep tha a cigar would go clear out of ZT,Z 
 
 "e kept It full and deceived the pnhhc."' 
 My zoul ! but is dot zo ?" 
 
 "Yos and he keeps an old wild-cat bill in his 
 wallet to lend out when a man wants to aecure 
 the loan of a dollar for a few minutes." 
 
 AM ^Z'n^^"'^'- ^'™ahreachershalldoIike 
 dotweshallwondervatnext. Zodot isderPeeehl 
 I'-ness. eh , Veil, VelT-i),,,,,, FrZ^lu 
 
 A COUET NOT TO BE TBIPLED WITH 
 
 pH2rb7etrer:it!r""''^r''''^ 
 
 ^^^iiuutju m state prison for fVi^ 
 
 remainder of his natural life " 
 
 Prisoner : - But your honor- " 
 
 Judge: ''Not another word, sir, or I'll .ive 
 
 }ou fonr years more,"— i^^- -- • -- ^ 
 
 -A'eiv York Ti 
 
 mes. 
 
20 
 
 HPLINTKR3 ; OR, A ORIST OP OIOOLE8. 
 
 •I 
 
 i 
 
 Going down tho Chosapoako Bay on an excur- 
 sion when tho wind was fresh and the white caps 
 were tumultuous, Judge Hall, of North Carolina, 
 became terribly seasick, and spent most of the 
 time leaning over the bulwarks. " My dear 
 Hall," said Chief Justice Waite, who was one of 
 the party, and was as comfortable as an old sea- 
 dog, " can I do anything for you ? Just suggest 
 what you wish." " I wish," groaned the seasick 
 jurist, " that your honour would overrule this 
 motion." 
 
 A commercial traveller started out to call on a 
 boot and shoe dealer in a town in Michigan, but 
 found the store closed and the man sitting across 
 the street on a pile of lumber. 
 
 "Why, what does this mean?" asked the 
 traveller. 
 
 " Vhell, dot sthore vas closed oop," was the 
 reply. 
 
 " What has happened ?" 
 
 " Vhell, I put a shattel-mortgagc on /!er bthock, 
 und I assign to my brudder, und I - ; . ., se und 
 secure it for |500, und I haf a fire und doant get 
 some insurance, und der sheriff walk in und I 
 walks oud, und I suppose it vhas vat you galls 
 commercial depression. "—PFaW Street Neivs. 
 
 Jim W<-nter has been before the courts of 
 Austin innumerable times for various petty 
 
8PLINTKR8 ; OR, A OrtI8T 01 OKiOLKS. 21 
 
 offences. He was tried for stealing chickens ooe 
 day last week. Finally the judge told him : 
 
 " You can go. You are discharged. The jury 
 has decided you- are not guilty." 
 
 Jim passed his hand over his hrow, and asked 
 in a dazed sort of a way : 
 
 '• Me not guilty ?" 
 
 " Yes, you are not guilty." 
 
 ••You don't tell me so, boss. I'se nebbor had 
 nuffin' like dat happen to me before. Dis am a 
 mighty funny yeah, anyhow. Fust de 'Publicans 
 did'nt 'lect their President, and now I'se been 
 found not guilty ob tamperin' wid dem pullets I 
 stole.— r^^as Siftincfs. 
 
 OF SOUND MIND. 
 
 A rich old fellow died, and when his estate was 
 being settled up, his widow was called in to give 
 some testimony regarding the will. 
 
 " Mrs. Miller," said the attorney, handing her 
 the will, •• will you be kind enough to look at 
 that document and tell me if it is correct as far 
 as you know !" 
 
 •• What is it ?" asked the widow. 
 
 •• It is your latt husband's will." 
 
 •• Oh, is it ? Well, it was never as extensive 
 as that when he was alive." 
 
 '• I don't mean that, madam. I want to know 
 if you think this is the correct will." 
 
22 
 
 Sifi 
 
 SPLINTEKS ; OB, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 The Widow took it and began to read. 
 
 .. ?Jru "T"^" ''"' «'«='a™«l, " this is his I" 
 
 Why do you think so, madam ?" 
 " I'ecause it says here, ' I, James Miller, being 
 of sound mind.' Now that is him all over h! 
 
 TdT, .:''"" "" '""^ ^^' «>"« ^« ^ere mar- 
 red hat he was of sound mind, and said he'd 
 stick to It with his last breath, even if I did pe.^ 
 s.st m saying he didn't have sense enough to put 
 up an umbrella on a rainy day. He used to do 
 some almighty foolish things, but I'm glad to see 
 he had a good opinion of himself to the end.' " 
 rhe widow s testimony was accepted as com- 
 petent.-if,,.<7,™t Traveller. 
 
 ii . f; 
 
 A noted lawyer of Oxford circuit had a case in 
 
 to nrove"'«'t,'"""r"'*''^'' """8^' ''« "'•*«'' 
 
 thafend '""' '""'"""■"' ""^ '^ 
 
 that end he cross-questioned one of the oppo- 
 nents witnesses as follows: "You asked my 
 client for money, did yon not ?" " ■VVell-yes 
 sir. " Answer promptly, sir-let ns have no 
 hesitation You asked him for money. Now 
 what was his answer ?" " I don't know as I can 
 
 S-' ;. „ T. '? I ^"" remember ?" '. Yes. • 
 su. Then out with it-what was his answer ?" 
 
 thLjl ""'*'"•'" "Ho! ho! You are on 
 that tack, are you? You won't tell ?" "I would 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 23 
 
 rather not, sir." " But you must ; and if you 
 do not answer my question promptly and truth- 
 fully, I'll call upon the court to commit you for 
 contempt." " Well, sir, if I must tell tales out 
 of school, here you have it. I asked him yes- 
 terday if he could lend me half-a-crown, and he 
 told me he couldn't." *« And you believed him, did 
 you not ? " - Yes, sir ; for he said you had rob- 
 bed him of every penny of his ready money, and 
 if he didn't get out of your hands pretty soon, 
 
 his wife and little ones would come to '' 
 
 " That will do, sir, you can step down." 
 
 HE KNEW THE LAW. 
 
 Yesterday afternoon a tramp entered the law 
 office of Charles J. Eeilly, No. 48 Plum street. 
 
 " Gentlemen," he began, in a smooth, molas- 
 ses sort of voice, " I am dead broke." 
 
 " No use coming in here," replied Mr. Keillv 
 
 -Why?" ^ 
 
 " Because we have nothing for tramps. Bet- 
 ter be off with you." 
 '* Is that a threat ?" asked the tramp. 
 
 " You can take it in that way," replied the 
 lawyer. 
 
 •' Then you are liable to the law. The fifth 
 Pennsylvania state reports, page 221, make a 
 threat of bodily injury a punishable offence. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 Also see Murray v. Commonwealth, 1865, 29 
 P. F. Smith, 311, where it says it is not neces' 
 sary that a man shall be in imminent peril of 
 life, or of great bodily harm before he may slay 
 his assailant. It is sufficient if in good faith he 
 has a reasonable belief, founded on facts as they 
 appear to him at the time, that he is in such 
 immment peril, even though it should afterward 
 appear that be was mistaken." 
 
 " There's too many loafers around in vour 
 shape." '' 
 
 "I'm a loafer, eh ? Slander is defined as 
 applying opprobious epithets, or circulating 
 stories calculated to injure one's character. See 
 twentieth Pennsylvania statutes, pages 23, 24 
 and 25. Also, decision in Black v. Tallman'" 
 
 " You come in here, and I'll give you all the 
 law you want." 
 
 " An assault may consist of hodily injury or 
 simply of words. If John Smith inveighs against 
 Ihomas Smith in anger, uttering covert threats 
 of bodily injury, and leading Thomas to suspect 
 and fear bodily harm, that is an assault. See 
 Pennsylvania statutes, pages 11 and 12. Also, su- 
 preme court decision in case of Myers v. Thomn- 
 Bon." ^ 
 
 " Will you get out of here ?" thundered the 
 annoyed attorney. 
 
 ** Certainly. Any person entering upon the 
 property of another when forbidden so to do is 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 25 
 
 guilty of trespass. Twentieth Pennsylvania, case 
 of Merrit v. Hopkins." 
 
 Mr. Eeilly looked at the tramp for a moment, 
 and then reached down for a spittoon, but the 
 tramp was too quick for him and disappeared 
 down the stairway remarking : " Any person 
 going from place to place without occupation or 
 means of subsistence, or any person asking for 
 food or alms upon the streets or public highways, 
 shall be considered a vagrant. That's me. See 
 sixteenth Pennsylvania, page 112. Also, decision 
 in case of Black v. Taylor. Judgment of lower 
 court sustained, and plaintiff remanded to the 
 workhouse." — Williamsport Breakfast Table. 
 
 " Have you," asked the judge of a recently 
 convicted man, ** anything to offer the court 
 before sentence is passed ?" " No, your honour," 
 replied the prisoner, ** my lawyer took my last 
 cent." 
 
 A pompous lawyer spoke sarcastically to the 
 keeper of an apple stand : " Your business cares 
 seem to wear upon you. You should go into 
 something which is not so trying to the brain." 
 " Oh, 'taint business," replied the apple-seller ; 
 " it's lyin' awake nights tryin' to decide whether 
 to leave my fortune to an orphan asylum, or to a 
 home for played-out old lawyers, as is killin' me !'' 
 
26 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIOaLES. 
 
 " SWEARING EVEEYTHING BLUE." 
 A new oath that is to be regarded by Chinese 
 witnesses as hopelessly binding has been discov- 
 ered It is called the - yellow oath " and was 
 employed for the first time in one of our courts 
 yesterday. If the yellow oath shall justify the 
 high expectations entertained of it a lona-felt 
 want will be supplied. A red, white and blue 
 oath of equa. power is badly needed for Caucas- 
 lan use.—San Francisco Fast. 
 
 The grand jury which was discharged at Salt 
 Lake City last week found twenty-seven indict- 
 ments against eminent polygamists. Perhaps it 
 was a hvely apprehension of judgment to come 
 which led President Taylor to address the late 
 Mormon conference at Logan by an epistle rather 
 than in person. 
 
 Why have they put yoii in jail again ?" 
 asked an Austin philanthropist of Jim Webster 
 who was playing checkers with his nose on the 
 grated window. '* Because I had the luck to find 
 tol. Yerger s watch." '' That's no crime to find 
 a watch." "Yes, but you see, boss, I dun found 
 It before he lost iV^~Texas Si/tings. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 27 
 
 A TEN CENT SUIT. 
 
 Mr. Alexander D. Berry, of Brooklyn, was 
 escorting a young lady to her home one evening, 
 and it became necessary for them to enter a street 
 car. Unfortunately for Mr. Berry the young 
 lady's papa was on the same car, and he at once 
 grasped his daughter's escort by both ears, and 
 was upon the point of inflicting serious injuries 
 upon him when the wretched youth was rescued 
 by other passengers and given an opportunity to 
 flee from the car. By this action on the part of 
 the gentleman, as Mr. Berry sets forth in an affi- 
 davit, he suffered a monetary loss of ten cents, 
 having already paid his fare and that of the 
 young lady, and is led to believe and does believe 
 that his reputation was injured in the com- 
 munity.— A^e?(' York Times. 
 
 A rather singular incident occurred in St. 
 Francis bottom, Missouri, lately. In crossing 
 Tyronza River on a mule, the rider, a negro, fell off 
 and was drowned. The mule came safely to shore 
 and was taken possession of by the squire. The 
 river was dragged, the negro's body found and 
 on it a pistol. 'He had been dead three days but 
 the squire fined him $50 and costs for carrying 
 concealed weapons, and confiscated mule and pis- 
 tol to pay the same. 
 
i 
 
 ' i 
 
 II 
 
 28 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 The following is a new way of answering an 
 old question : At an examination for admission 
 to the bar the question was asked, '* What is the 
 rule in Shelley's case ?" One of the class an- 
 swered, " The rule in Shelley's case is the same as 
 in any other man's case ; the law is no respector 
 of persons." We trust the possessor of the well 
 balanced mind that conceived this answer was 
 promptly admitted.— Ca«a(/a Law Journal. 
 
 A correst)ondent writes us in regard to the 
 " Yew Tree Case." Where the horse died by 
 cropping the leaves of a yew tree, planted in a 
 burial ground adjoining his pasture, that it was 
 an appropriate application of the maxim " Sick- 
 you-tree-chew-oh."— ^Zfiaw^/ Law Journal. 
 
 The r.herififs of the country report a revival in 
 business. They are engaged in selling out the 
 skating-rinks, of which there was an overpro- 
 duction last muter. —Philadelphia Ledger. 
 
 Clerk of the court : " Owen Doherty ! Are 
 you Owen Doherty?" Prisoner (with a merry 
 twinkle in his eye) : " Yes, begorra, I'm owin' 
 everybody I" 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 29 
 
 GEEAT LAWYERS AT DRILL. 
 
 Ellenboroughand Eldon were both turned out of 
 the awkward squad of Lincoln's Inn corps for awk- 
 wardness. The former's attempt at this mihtary 
 training gave him an opportunity to utter a mem- 
 orable jest. When the drill serjeant reprimanded 
 the company for not preserving a straighter front 
 the great judge replied, " We are not accustomed 
 to keep military step, as this indenture wit- 
 nesseth." 
 
 A correspondent of the Pall Mall Gazette sends 
 to that paper the following account of what hap- 
 pened the other day in Queensland : ** A China- 
 man had to give his evidence, and was asked how 
 he would be sworn. His reply was : * Me no 
 care ; clack 'im saucer, kill 'im cock, blow out 
 'im machie, smell 'im book, allee samee.' He 
 was allowed to smell 'im book.' " 
 
 A Kentucky gentleman, on his deathbed, made 
 a will, in which he bequeathed to his wife, who 
 was encdnte, in case she should be delivered of a 
 daughter, one-half of his estate, the other half to 
 such daughter ; but in case the expected heir was 
 a son, one-third was to go to the wife, and two- 
 thirds to such son. 
 
80 
 
 «P"N;.™s;ou,*o«,sToraroo.Es. 
 
 Shortly after tho testator's cleatl, tu ; 
 b"-th to twins, a boy and .^T'^T'^T" 
 
 estate because :,::ha!u;:;:trr';'r 
 
 ter's guardian claims one-balf l,!' T ? ''""S^" 
 
 the will, and the guardian of L '"*'' -""^'^ 
 
 not accept less thfn two-'hU-ds o 27^ T """ ""' 
 
 matter is now pending n "t il I ^'"^ 
 
 , court. Hickman circuit 
 
 While the judge is tryin. to sol™ ♦!,■ 
 tion, the lay members of tL . '' «^"»- 
 
 ing thc-r -pfenticTl a^d3 "'^/'t'"™"^ '^•''■ 
 YoWc cUy thinks it. :tse o^'Ce"" ^tl" t^/ 
 testator died intestate, and thaT'. ^' ""^ 
 make his will AnnH.L , ^'^ '*"' must 
 
 a will. Another writmg from Pi-.. „i.f / 
 Ky., says : " My ,oj„ti„„ the o,lr '' 
 
 ^weifths, and to :r:>;,rrltftt^^;£- 
 
 moietytotheiLl/::^./"''*e other 
 
 of one-third to the mo"her and w 'h"?T"°" 
 the son." """nier, and two-thirds to 
 
 his estate twice' If hT left ! 7"'." ''''"^''"'<''* 
 half to the widow and lit / t""^^'"' ^' ^^^'^ 
 
 ^^---•-~.'tl*;ss^^ 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 81 
 
 two-thirds to the son. So each legacy abated 
 fifty per cent. The widow took five- twelfths, the 
 daughter one-fourth, and the son one-third." 
 
 From Cincinnati and Toledo comes another 
 solution, viz., " Is not the following a more equit- 
 able division all round ? One fourth to the wife, 
 one-fourth to the daughter, one-half to the son ?" 
 
 This carries out the testator's intention to make 
 the wife and daughter share equally, and son to 
 receive twice as much as the wife. He did not 
 devise the estate twice, but only once upon con- 
 tingencies. The ultimate events fulfilled neither 
 contingency alone, but partook of each." — Canada 
 Law Journal. 
 
 ;i; 
 
 It is related of Judge Walter T. Colquitt, an 
 old-time justice of the Georgia Supreme court, 
 that he once condemned a man to be hanged, 
 preached a sermon, reviewed the militia, married 
 two couples at night, and then conducted a 
 prayer meeting, all in one day. 
 
 "LIEN." 
 
 Lord EUdon always pronounced the word 
 as though it were "lion," and Sir Arthur 
 Piggott pronounced it " lean." On this Jekyll 
 wrote the following epigram : — 
 
 " Sir Arthur ! Sir Arthur ! What do you mean 
 By saying the Chancellor's ' lion ' is lean ; 
 Do you tbink that his kitchen's so bad as all that, 
 That nothing within it will ever grow fat ?" 
 
 
 ii 
 
 i 
 
82 
 
 8PUNTEB8 ; OR, A ORrST OF OlOOLES. 
 
 AN ^NTKICATE^QUESTION LOGICALLY 
 
 Four men in India, partners in buaineee, bought 
 severa bales of Indian rugs, and also some oot 
 
 Zon7 '^''^'"."'-'"^ -ght not destroy The 
 
 ea b of thTr^'rf/ "'''• They agreed'tbat 
 each of the four should own a particular part of 
 the oat, and each adorned with beads and other 
 ornaments the leg thus apportioned to him ThI 
 cat, by an accident, injured one of her legs. The 
 owner of that member wound around ft a rag 
 
 set this rag on fire, and being in great n»;„ 
 rushed in among the cotton bales, whre„f::; 
 accustomed to hunt rats. The cotton and rugs 
 hereby took fire, and they were burned up-a 
 al OSS. The three other partners brought a 
 su.t to i^cover the value of the goods destroyed 
 agajnst the fourth partner, who owned this par 
 ticular leg of the cat. The judge examined til 
 aseand decided thus: "The leg that had he 
 oJed rag on .t was hurt; the cat could not use 
 
 with he other three legs. The three unhurt ie<.3 
 herefore earned the fire to the cotton, and are 
 
 hired" C-tb"'" '"''"'' '^« '« -' ">"' 
 wamed. The three partners, who owned the 
 
 will pay the whole value of the bales to the part- 
 ner who was the proprietor of the injured L 
 
 '•g 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF QIOOLES. 
 
 33 
 
 GOD SAVE THE QUEEN. 
 
 On the evening of coronation day of Her 
 present Majesty, the benchers of Lincoln's Inn 
 gave the students a dinner ; when a certain wag, 
 in giving out a verse of the national anthem, 
 which he was selected to lead in a solo, took the 
 opportunity of stating a grievance as to the 
 modicum of port allowed, as follows : — 
 
 " Happy and glorious, 
 Three half-pints 'mong four of U8, 
 Heaven send no more of us, 
 
 God save the Queen I" 
 
 which was sung by the full chorus, amid shouts 
 of laughter and applause. 
 
 r 
 
 HE WAS EIGHTEOUSLY INDIGNANT. 
 
 " What is the amount of your defalcation, 
 sir ?" asked a lawyer, as he tendered the gentle- 
 man an easy chair. 
 
 •' Fifty-seven dollars." 
 
 " Fifty-seven dollars ! And you come to me, 
 sir," said the lawyer, rising with indignation, 
 " to me, an honest man, and ask my defence for 
 an admitted crime ? Begone, sir ; I will assist 
 no man who admits that he is guilty. Begone, sir !" 
 
 After the man had " begone," the lawyer re- 
 sumed his seat with the remark : 
 
 ** Fifty- seven dollars ! and I thought it was a 
 
 ten thousand dollar case at least." 
 3 
 
34 
 
 8PLINTKRS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 HE'D SOT AxND SOT. 
 
 "You see," she was explaining to a lawyer, 
 after beating his counsel fee down to $3, " 1 have 
 a daughter Maria." 
 
 •' Yos'm." 
 
 " Maria has a beau." 
 
 '• Exactly." 
 
 " Has been waitin' on her for six years " 
 "I see." 
 
 '• And I've been waitin' on him for the same 
 length of time— waitin' for him to marry her." 
 
 " Just so, ma'am." 
 
 " How long should a couple spark '?" 
 
 " Well, that depends. It takes some folks a 
 long time to make up their minds." 
 
 " Isn't three years long enough ?" 
 
 " I should think so." 
 
 "And I gave him six. I've been getting 
 madder and madder for the last three months, 
 and finally last night I couldn't hold in any 
 longer. I went into the parlor, and there he 
 was, giggling, and winking, and loving around 
 same as live years ago. There was Maria, sim- 
 permg, and cackling, and acting like the same 
 fool she alius was. Don't talk to me. A gal 
 can bring a beau to time inside of two years if 
 she's got any marry in her. You didn't fool 
 away six years ?" 
 " No'm." 
 
8PLINTKIIH ; OR, A 0RI8T OB^ OiaOLKH. 35 
 
 " Nor I, either. Well. I stood it as long as I 
 couia, and when I went in the room sayH I to 
 vViliuiin, sa.vH 1 : 
 
 •"William, yoru've sot and sot, and it's my 
 duty as a mother to know if you intend to marry 
 Maria ? ' *^ 
 
 " Maria she gave a screech, and William he 
 turned fiery red, but says I ; 
 
 " ' If you love why don't you marry '? If you 
 are hanging around here to pass away time 
 you d better skip ?' 
 
 "Well, William coughed, and gasped, and 
 stuttered around, and said he wanted to write to 
 his ma in Iowa. 
 
 " 'Your ma in Iowa!' says I, feeling mv anger 
 chmbmg up. ' Mebbe you ain't weaned yet ' ' 
 
 " Then he said he couldn't be bulldozed, and 
 that one objection to marrying Maria was having 
 me for a mother-in-law. Then the cyclone broke 
 loose. Also the whirlwind. Also two or three 
 earthquakes. Inside of four minutes Maria h£^d 
 tamted. William was a wreck and he had upsot 
 the stove and broke three chairs. He come to 
 and slipped out while I was holding camphor to 
 Maria's nose, and I've heard to-day that he is 
 after a warrant for me for assault with intent to 
 kill. Can he get one?" 
 
 "Yes'm." 
 
 " Can he do anything?" 
 
 " Well, you want a jury." 
 
 Ml 
 
 fM 
 
 % 
 M 
 
 n 
 
 '4.' 
 
36 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 " Sartin — sartin. I'll go before a jury and 
 tell 'em how he and Maria have sot and sot for 
 1,700 nights — how I've had to be soft on him — 
 how I've poked up Maria to bring him to time — 
 how I stood it and stood it until somethin' had to 
 break — how it has cost me $200 for fuel and oil ; 
 how — but that's all. If they are men they can 
 find no verdict agin me." 
 
 " No'm." 
 
 '* Well, I'll go home and wait. Maria lies 
 there sighing and weeping, and there's the stove 
 to put up and the chairs to mend, and if William 
 gets the warrant I'll let you know. His ma in 
 Iowa ! I'll let him know that somebody's ma in 
 Detroit is alive and kicking and alius on deck." 
 
 Katrina Muller is much taller and weighs 
 fifty pounds more than her husband. She re- 
 quested Justice Welde, at Essex Market yester- 
 day, to discharge him in her custody. 
 
 *' Judge she'll kill me when she gets me home." 
 cried the husband. "Please give me three 
 months." 
 
 " If you do," said the wife to the justice, " I'll 
 have him out on a writ of habeas corpus. He 
 has done nothing." 
 
 ''Nothing?" said the husband. "Do you 
 call coming home drunk, breaking down the door, 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 37 
 
 and splitting up the furniture nothing? Can't a 
 man get three months for it ?" 
 
 *' He violated no law," spoke up the wife like 
 a lawyer. " He did not hurt the public. He in- 
 jured me, and I can take care of myself." 
 
 " She whips me with a strap," piteously ex- 
 claimed the husband. 
 
 "One day," said the justice. "Madam, he 
 will be out at 4 o'clock." 
 
 " I'll be waiting for you, Fritz," said the wife. 
 —New York World. 
 
 m 
 
 
 i 
 
 m. 
 
 COL. UNDERWOOD'S KISSES. 
 
 " Of course," said the Colonel laughing, 
 " Kentucky is a great State. We have the hand- 
 somest women in the world ; we make the best 
 whiskey, have the most fertile lands, raise the 
 best horses, and have the purest air. What 
 more could be asked? In addition to that, our 
 people pull together, but they don't like snobb- 
 ishness. I remember one time I was stumping 
 one of the mountain counties. I bought $25 
 worth of nickels and put them in my saddle-bags. 
 Every log cabin I would come to I would ride up 
 and ask for a drink of water. Well, out would 
 come a little boy or girl with a gourd dipper of 
 warm water. I would take a swallow, then 
 drop a nickel in the dipper. The little one 
 
 w- 
 
38 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 would run in and I would go on. The child's 
 mother would come and have the fat gen- 
 tleman pointed out. The consequence was that 
 I got the vote out of that house. Well, one 
 morning I rode up to a house and a little girl 
 brought me out a dipper of water. I felt in my 
 pocket and discovered that I hadn't a copper. 
 'Little girl.' said I, ' I generally have a nickel 
 somewhere about me, but I haven't tc-day, so I'll 
 give you what's the next best thing for a girl, and 
 that's a kiss.' So I got down off my horse' and 
 kissed her for my own little blue-eyed girl at 
 home. 
 
 "Another little black-eyed girl here showed 
 up, and I had to kiss her for a niece of mine 
 whom she looked like. By this time another 
 little girl showed up half a head taller than the 
 rest, and, not to be partial, I kissed her, when 
 I found that four or five other girls had gathered 
 and I saw I was in for it. So, beginning with the 
 smallest, I kissed each one. The change in 
 stature was so gradual that I didn't notice that 
 the last one was a full-grown woman and right 
 handsome at that until I had kissed her. Look- 
 ing up I saw that there were two or three old 
 ladies laughing at me, and, thinking I had made 
 a bad break, I lifted my hat to the young lady 
 and begged her pardon, and explained how it 
 was. She didn't seem to mind it much, but the 
 old ladies kept laughing and I tried to explain it 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 39 
 
 when one of tliem said : ' Why, durn it, jedge, 
 she's Bill's wife.' Well, I thought, I'm in for it. 
 That knocks out my votes in this neighborhood. 
 Well, I inquired in the next house who Bill was, 
 and was told that it was ' Buck ' Holmes, the hard- 
 est citizen in Carter County. Next day I had to 
 speak at the court-house, and when I came up I 
 noticed a gang of about twenty-five rough-looking 
 fellows off at one side, and a big six-foot fellow 
 was talking to them and gesticulating wildly with 
 both hands. * Who's that ?' I inquired. . * That's 
 Buck Holmes and his gang,' was the reply. The 
 cold chills began running up my back and I 
 shifted my revolver around up where I could 
 reach it without trouble, and then lounged up to 
 hear what he was saying and get the lay of the 
 land. 'Weil, I'm blankety blanked,' I heard 
 him say, * if ther jedge don't ketch my vote. No 
 snob thar, gentlemen. Jest as soon kiss a poor 
 
 man's wife as a rich one's bv .' That settled 
 
 it. I got 150 more votes in that county than 
 any other man on the ticket." 
 
 Hii! 
 
 :i 
 
 ,' ; 
 
 
 m 
 
 i 
 
 4i. 
 
 Eiel the rebel won't permit himself to be called 
 General, Colonel, Captain, or even Lieutenant, 
 but if he fails to tumble to " Prof." or " Judge," 
 we'll admit that his cause is just. — Detroit Free 
 Press. 
 
40 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 HEK WEDDING-DAY. 
 
 CHRISTINA PETERSON MAKES AN EFFECTUAL PLEA 
 
 FOR LIBERTY. 
 
 " For I'm to be married to-day, to-day, for 
 I'm to be married to-day," hummed Christina 
 Peterson, a Swedish blonde, as she entered the 
 dock and faced Justice Kersten to-day to answer 
 to the charge of being drunk and disorderly. " I 
 haven't been here since last October, Mr Kersten," 
 she said, " and this is;a great day for me and I 
 w'sh to go." 
 
 "To the bridewell?" 
 ** No; home," 
 
 " You said the last time you were here that 
 your wedding-day was near at hand. Now you 
 say the same thing." 
 
 •* I thought it was, sir, but the polar bear, that's 
 my prospective husband, sir, thought we should 
 have plenty of clothes made, and it was put off 
 until to-day. I drank some porter last night 
 with my friend, the bricklayer, and it went to 
 ray head." 
 
 " You should have confined yourself to your 
 affianced husband and this trouble would not 
 have occurred. However, I guess I'll let you go 
 this time." 
 •* You do that?" 
 " Yes." 
 
8PLINTER8 ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 41 
 
 *' You do ? God bless you. My husband will 
 be your friend, sir, and whenever you want an 
 office let us know." 
 
 "I don't want to mar the happiness of two 
 persons. My own wedding-day looms up before 
 me." murmured the court, as the woman dis- 
 appeared. 
 
 " Is the victim in court? " asked his Honour. 
 
 '• I should remark ! " answered a thin-voiced, 
 slim-waisted man, with a bald head, as he stood 
 up. He had a black eye, a skinned nose, and a 
 bloody raj was tied around his head. 
 
 " You wanted him to guess a conundrum, did 
 
 you ? " 
 
 " He had no right to pitch into me, had he ?" 
 
 ** Well, he certainly had groat provocation. 
 Any man who goes trotting around with a stock 
 of conundrums on his back to peddle out must 
 take his chances of personal injury. I hope this 
 will be something of a lesson to ycu, and I shall 
 fine the prisoner $3." 
 
 '• How vhas dot ?" asked the prisoner. " You 
 say if he makes me madt dot vhas his own pees- 
 ness, und he must look oudt." 
 
 ** Certainly, but fighting is against the law. 
 Next time any one gives you a conundrum to 
 guess you must reply ; ' Hardly ever,' and pass 
 on." 
 
 .1'- 
 
 lift 
 Mfll 
 
 Ki 
 •f '1 
 
42 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 ** Hardly eafer," said the prisoner, as he made 
 a bolt for the door, but Bijah overhauled him 
 and be had to fork over the cash and go out the 
 regular way. — Detroit Free Press. 
 
 When the late Chief-Justice Chase chose to 
 unbend himself he could be witty as well as wise. 
 At a social gathering at his house during the 
 war, the subject of taxation having been mooted, 
 a distinguished naval officer present said he had 
 paid all his taxes excel)t the income tax. '' I 
 have a little property," said he, " which brings 
 me in a yearly rental, but the tax-gatherers have 
 not spotted it. I do not know whether I ought 
 to let the thing go that way or not. What 
 would you do if you were in my place, Mr. 
 Chase ? " There was a merry twinkle in the 
 eyes of Secretary Chase as he answered archly : 
 " I think it the duty of every man to live unspotted 
 as long as he c&n."— Philadelphia Record. 
 
 At Pearson, Ga., a few days ago, a justice of 
 the peace was sent for to marry a couple on the 
 outskirts of the town. He walked up the rail- 
 road track a short distance when he was met 
 by a man, woman, and two small children— the 
 man having a sack of potatoes on his back. The 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 43 
 
 man of the law asked if this was the marriage 
 party, and was told that it was, vhen he, with 
 the license in his ha^id, standing on one cross- 
 tie, and the marriage party on another, pro- 
 ceeded to make the man and woman one accord- 
 ing to the statutes. After the ceremony, it be- 
 ing then dark, the magistrate asked the groom 
 where he was going, and the reply was that ho 
 intended to " split right through the woods for 
 home," about six miles. Then, amid the gather- 
 ing shades of night, the wedding party started on 
 their way for " home, sweet home," guided by 
 the light of the stars as it glimmered through the 
 tree-tops. The parties were white. 
 
 
 A PEASANT WHO WAS SHORT ON WHEAT. 
 
 A peasant who was short on wheat for May 
 delivery, and found ruin staring him in the face 
 betook himself to the cave of a philosopher and 
 said : *' 0, wise man, I am half a million bushels 
 of wheat short on May delivery. I came to ask 
 help of the Gods through you." ** Know ye, my 
 friend," replied the old man, "that the Gods 
 render aid only when the lawyers have given up 
 the case ?" The next morning the peasant was 
 in Canada. Moral : And his lawyer settled all 
 claims for 40 cents on the dollar. 
 
44 
 
 SPLINTERS : OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 " HOOKED." 
 
 Judge : " How did you come by these fish ?" 
 
 Prisoner: "I hooked them." 
 
 Judge : " What have you to say Mr. Officer ?" 
 
 PoHceman : *' He tells the truth, your honour ; 
 he did hook 'em, and I saw it." 
 
 Judge: *• Then why do you brfng him here? 
 Discharged. Next case."— i/os to/? Beacon. 
 
 A strange man was picked up in a famishing 
 condition in the street and taken to the hospital. 
 
 " Who was that man they brought here ?" 
 asked a reporter of the superintendent about an 
 hour afterward. 
 
 " I don't know," was the reply. 
 
 " How is he ?" 
 
 " Lying at the point of death." 
 
 " 0, is he ? Well, I'll bet a dollar he's a 
 hiyfyer.''— Cincinnati Merchant Traveller. 
 
 •* Yis," said Pat, " Oi've signed two pledges- 
 wan to the praste an' wan to his honour." 
 
 " It's a foine man yez are, Pat," replied 
 Bridget, " an' do yez think ye'll kape thim ?" 
 
 " Begorra, Oi'll th.y an' kape wan av thim, 
 anyhow."- iVeM' York Times. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 45 
 
 A DEAL OF DIFFERENCE. 
 
 " Why do you desire a divorce ?" asked the 
 chancery judge. 
 
 " Well," replied the man from the mountains, 
 " because me an' the old woman can't get along 
 together. She belongs to one church an' I belong 
 to another." 
 
 " A religious incompatibility, I suppose?" 
 
 " Yes, I reckon that's it." 
 
 •' You don't agree in your religious ideas ?" 
 
 " No, sah." 
 
 " Give me an example?" 
 
 *' Well, tuther day I shot Ham Bales. I shot 
 him with a rifle. Wife she 'lowed that if I had 
 belonged to her church I would have shot him 
 with a pistol. I know that I am right, for I 
 don't want to take no chances." 
 
 The case has been taken under advisement. — 
 Arkansaw Traveller. 
 
 A negro who was giving evidence in a Georgia 
 court was reminded by the judge that he was to 
 tell the whole truth. *' Well, yer see, boss," said 
 the dusky witness, " I'se skeered to tell de whole 
 truth for fear I might tell a lie." 
 
46 
 
 SPLINIEM ; Ott, A 0UI8T OP a,aOLE8. 
 
 AN DNFORTUNATE SOMNAMBULIST. 
 
 iusHceTf h""'' ""' '"■™«'" ^'^"'^ "" Austin 
 J"3t,ce of he peace, charged with burglarv. 
 
 " voalT "^ '", "" ''^'''">'"V." »id the justice, 
 you were caught just as you were comiug ou 
 of the wmdow with the contents of the till." 
 
 the man who caught me. When I have those 
 somnambulistie fits I am in danger of fdhng o 
 of the window and hurting myself " 
 
 peir^; """■ """"^ *° ■-'" -'d "- judge, 
 
 accllld with?" °''°"™'' '" "'-" '•^^P""'!^'' 'h« 
 accused with unconscious humour 
 
 "That being the case," responded the judge 
 I will direct the sherifi' " "^ ^ ' 
 
 prisoned''" "' '""'' '" ""''""^'^ "1"'^^'' '"e 
 
 I was very much pleased to meet last week 
 
 «.th Juc^e McGowan, one of the Argonauts wt 
 
 u 1849 discovered the golden fleece which has 
 
 to coin a term, royalized California. In the 
 
 course of our conversation the judge told me 
 
SPLINTEUS ; OR, A GRIST OF OKKILKS. 
 
 47 
 
 the concrete history of the tragic death of the 
 the famous prize-fighter, Yankee Sullivan. 
 
 Sullivan, whose real name was Ambrose 
 Murray, was arrested and imprisoned. He feared 
 that tLa vigilantes would put him to death, 
 though, as Judge McGowan tells me, his appre- 
 hensions were unfounded. The purpose of that 
 body was to ship him back to Australia on the 
 first clipper that sailed to Melbourne, it having 
 been definitely understood that Sullivan, or 
 Murray, was an escaped convict. The poor devil, 
 however, was so affrighted that he took no stock 
 in the hope of escape from the harsh business of 
 Judge Lynch. He called eagerly from his prison 
 windows for a priest, feeling that death was set- 
 tling close around him, but was answered by 
 jeers from the mob without. Finally, in sheer 
 desperation, he opened the veins of his left arm 
 with a caseknife and bled himself to death. 
 
 Yankee Sullivan was one of the finest prize 
 fighters in the records. 
 
 A county judge in England who had received 
 his appointment more on account of his political 
 creed than of his ability, was surprised to find 
 that an assistant judge had been appointed to 
 his court. A friend asked Lord Westbury the 
 reason for his creating another judge. The 
 chancellor replied " we were afraid of leaving 
 Mr. A any longer alone in the dark." 
 
 i 
 
 
 I'IHI 
 
48 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A QUIST Ok' OIOOLES. 
 
 A JURY OF DETECTIVES. 
 
 On one occasion, in a New York police court, 
 a special jury was needed, and the panel was 
 filled with ex-detectives loafing around the court- 
 room. After hearing the testimony and argu- 
 ments the jury retired, and in a few minutes 
 reported ready, and wore brought in. 
 
 " What is the finding of the jury ?" inquired 
 the court, after the usual preliminaries. 
 
 " Nothing, may it please the court," responded 
 the foreman. 
 
 "Nothing?" echoed the judge in surprise. 
 
 " That's all, your honour." 
 
 " Haven't you found a verdict ?" 
 
 *' No, your honour." 
 
 " Eeally, gentlemen, this is the most astonish- 
 ing experience 1 ever had on the bench. What's 
 the matter ?" 
 
 Well, your honour, we are all detectives, and - " 
 
 "That's enough," shouted the judge. " Mr. 
 Sherifl; discharge the jury and impanel ore that 
 can find 8omething:'~Me rchant Traveller. 
 
 The Indiana judges stand no nonsense from 
 the bar. A lawyer there lately, in the course of 
 his argument, used the word *' disparagement " 
 —"stop using Latin words," said the judge, "or 
 sit down." Thepoor lawyerundertakingtoexplain, 
 was ruthlessly fined twenty dollars for contempt.' 
 
SPLINTERS ; Oil, A OniST OF GIGOLK8. 
 
 49 
 
 BOLLS AND BUTTER. 
 
 Lord John Hussell endeavoured to persuade 
 Lord Laugdale to resign the permanent master- 
 ship of the roils, for the uncertain position of 
 lord chancellor ; and paid the learned lord very 
 high compliments upon his talents and acquire- 
 ments. " It is useless talking, my lord," said 
 Langdale. " So long as I enjoy f'e rolls I care 
 nothing for your butter." 
 
 Burke, when collecting information for a speech 
 that he was about to deliver in the house on an 
 Indian question, was referred to an ex-official, 
 then the inmate of a hv .c air^ylum. Burke had 
 an interview with th<- lunatic who proved to be a 
 man of excellent information, and fully compe- 
 tent to advise on the subject on which he con- 
 sulted him. 
 
 On leaving the asylum Burke expressed his 
 indignation to the keeper of the asylum, and 
 intimated his intention of bringing the matter 
 before parliament. 
 
 " Before you do that sir, replied the keeper, 
 go back and ask him what he had for breakfast 
 this morning." Burke did as he was requested, 
 when the lunatic at once bust into indignant in- 
 vective against the authorities, and replied : 
 *' Hobnails, sir ; is it not disgraceful ?" " Hob- 
 
f 
 
 50 
 
 SPLINTEEiS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 nails ! nothing else." Burke was satisfied, but 
 I never heard that he rejected the poor man's 
 testimony on the Indian question. 
 
 ** There's no such thing as an equity since the 
 judicature acts came into operation — is there ?" 
 
 Counsel ventured to suggest that it was rather 
 law than equity which had been abolished. 
 
 "It's like shot silk," observed Justice James, 
 "both colors are there, and it depends upon the 
 light on which you Jook at it which color you 
 see." 
 
 A LAY OF THE LAW. 
 
 Though I was old I had no sense, 
 Nor cared a fig for the great expense, 
 So I went to law, and I am vexed to say 
 That my luck was bad, and I won the day. 
 
 For if I had lost I did not intend 
 
 On another trial more cash to spend ; 
 
 But as I won, what could I do, 
 
 When the loser appealed, but fight it through ? 
 
 And so the matter was tried again. 
 
 And I my triumph did not maintain ; 
 
 For whereas one judge had said white was white, 
 
 Two ruled 'twas a different colour quite. 
 
 This made me angry— 1 don't conceal ; 
 And I resolved to once more appeal. 
 And three more judges in proud array 
 Decided that white was bluish gray. 
 
splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 51 
 
 Now since the court below had said 
 That the white in point was a rusty red ; 
 The latest judgment was felt to be 
 On the whole a verdict in favor of me. 
 
 Upon which at once my obstinate foe 
 Declared to the House of Lords he'd go ; 
 And their Lordships ruled by three to two, 
 That my white was really a Prussian blue.' 
 
 So I lost my case, since there was, alack 1 
 No higher tribunal to say, 'twas black, 
 And a thousand guineas I had to pay, 
 Because at the start I won the day. 
 
 But though this sum of money I've paid. 
 The law to me no return has made, 
 Except to tell me in accents dread, 
 That white is gray, and blue, and red I 
 
 Now, if 'tis truly a Prussian blue. 
 Why didn't the first judge say so too ? 
 Or why couldn't I, expense to save, 
 At once the highest opinion crave ? 
 
 For law is Hw, as it seems to me, 
 And all of it ought first-class to be ; 
 Since suitors must be perforce be fooled 
 When courts but exist to be overruled 
 
 P.'i 
 
 i,1| 
 
 A LAWYER'S DEVICE. 
 
 The late Governor William Allen, of Ohio, was 
 a man not easily deceived. At one time General 
 Murphy, a celebrated advocate, practised in 
 Chillicothe and Southern Ohio, the defence of 
 criminals being his forte. His power with a 
 
 
i- 
 
 52 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 jury was almost irresistible, and the facility 
 with which he wept in behalf of his client carried 
 everybody with him. A notorious horse thief 
 had been indicted at Chillicothe, and, of course, 
 had retained General Murphy. The prosecuting 
 attorney secured the services of Allen to help 
 him convict the rascal if possible. The evidence 
 was heard and it made a pretty clear case against 
 the accused. The prosecuter opened for the 
 state and was followed by General Murphy in 
 one of his most eloquent and tearful efforts. 
 The jury, like the adirocate, and a large portion 
 of the audience were in tears, but Allen sat bolt 
 upright, with a stony and dangerous glare in his 
 steel-gray eyes.. When General Murphy had 
 concluded, and sat wiping away his tears and 
 sobbing, Allen arose and said: ** Gentlemen of 
 the jury, it seems cruel to say anything to break 
 the charming spell that the learned counsel has 
 woven around you, or rudely dispel the tears 
 that he has drawn like pearls of humanity from 
 your eyes. Your tears have been responsive to 
 his, but perhaps had you known the fountain 
 whence sprang his tears, yours would not have 
 welled up responsive. Gentlemen of the jury, 
 let me show you the fountain of the learned 
 counsel's tears." Saying this he reached over 
 the table with his long arm and fished something 
 out of General Murphy's coat-pocket. Holding 
 aloft a big red onion, peeled to the quick, he 
 
BPLINTERa ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 53 
 
 went on : "I was aware that the onion was the 
 symbol of the Egyptian mysteries, but not until 
 now did 1 know it was the substance of General 
 Murphy's tears and mysterious power over a 
 jury." The prisoner was convicted without the 
 jury leaving the box, and it was years before 
 General Murphy got over the clever expose. — 
 Boston Traveller. 
 
 i-m 
 
 LOUIS DE SOUZA. 
 
 Mr. ijouis de Souza is proceeding with his 
 appeal from the judgment of the Common Pleas 
 Division Court. He is convinced, apparently, 
 that an English barrister can plead as counsel 
 in any of her Majestyls Courts of this province 
 without reference to the Law Society or the rules 
 thereof. Pursuant to his view he moved yester- 
 day before the Court of Appeal for the decision 
 of that court on the question, but the Chief 
 Justice refused to allow the appeal to come up 
 without the usual formalities, which will delay 
 it for some time. During his remarks Mr. de 
 Souza STJggested a course which he said was 
 adopted on motion in England in a case of re 
 Jumbo the elephant. Mr. Justice Patterson 
 asked "Where did he move?" and the Chief 
 Justice, never behind in wit, answered, "No 
 doubt, on the Grand Trunk." 
 
 i; 
 
 
 
 1,1 
 

 54 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 JUDGE MILLEK. 
 
 The last time J met Joaquin Miller, the Ame- 
 rican poet, says the Loncion correspondent of a 
 contemporary, he spoke of himself as " Judge 
 Miller." I expressed my delight and surprise. 
 I had been unaware of his judicial dignities ; 
 indeed I didn't even suspect that he knew any 
 law. Upon my expressing my surprise, he 
 replied, calmly '' Yes, sir, for four years I ad- 
 ministered justice in Oregon with the help of 
 one law book and two six shooters." 
 
 A FATHEE'S DISAPPOINTMENT. 
 
 " John," said a father to his son, "you have 
 disappointed me greatly. I have given you 
 every opportunity to learn something, but it has 
 just been money thrown away. You are the 
 stupidest young man I ever saw. You know 
 nothing." 
 
 " It 18 true, father," said John, with a sigh. 
 
 "I never see you with a book in your hand," 
 pursued the father ; " you never take up a news- 
 paper ; you know nothing of current events; 
 you don't take after your mother or me, for 
 we've both got good natural intelligence. What 
 you're going to do to earn a living is a puzzle to 
 
SPLINTERS ; or., A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 55 
 
 me. There isn't a single earthly thing you can 
 turn your hand to." 
 
 " But I'm not altogether an imbecile, father. 
 I can count up to a hundred." 
 
 '* I know it, and that's what vexes me." 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 •• Why, don't you see, if you didn't know that 
 much you would make an excellent juryman 
 for criminal trials, but your knowing that much 
 entirely disqualifies you. It is a sad case."— 
 Sommerville Journal. 
 
 t'l 
 
 Mil 
 
 M 
 
 AN INFANT'S LEGAL ACUMEN. 
 
 Bobby begged his mamma to buy him a drum. 
 
 " I am afraid Bobby," she replied, " that if I 
 were to buy a drum grandpa might not like it 
 very well." 
 
 " That wouldn't make any difference mamma," 
 Bobby argued, " cos, you see, the drum ain't for 
 grandpa; it's for me." 
 
 This conversation occurred a good many years 
 ago, and Bobby, who is now a man, is practising 
 law successfully in Philadelphia.— iVdw York 
 Times, 
 
 A capital crime— well, kissing is about as good 
 as any of them, if we admit that kissing is a 
 
 Sj 
 
 
 ih'.i 
 
 
 crime. 
 
56 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 m I 
 
 A PLIABLE LAWYER. 
 
 A countryman walked into the office of a 
 
 lawyer one day and began his application — " Sir, 
 
 I have come to get your advice in a case that is 
 
 giving me some trouble." "Well, what's the 
 
 matter?" "Suppose now," said the client, 
 
 " that a man had a spring of water on his land, 
 
 and his neighbour living below should build a 
 
 dam across the creek through both farms, and it 
 
 was to back the water up into the other man's 
 
 spring, what ought to be done ? " " Sue him, sir, 
 
 sue him, by all means," said the lawyer, vho 
 
 always became excited in proportion to the 
 
 aggravation of his clients. " You can recover 
 
 heavy damages, sir, and the law will make him 
 
 pay well for it. Just give me the case, and I'll 
 
 bring the money from him." " But stop," cried 
 
 the terrified applicant for legal advice: "It's I 
 
 that have built the dam, and it's neighbour Jones 
 
 that owns the spring, and he threatens to sue 
 
 me." The keen lawyer hesitated a moment 
 
 before he tacked his ship and kept on. "Ah! 
 
 well, sir, you say you built a dam across that 
 
 creek. What sort of dam was it sir ? " " It was 
 
 a mill-dam." "A mill-dam for grinding grain, 
 
 was it ? " " Yes, it was just that." "And it is 
 
 a good nighbourhood mill, is it ?" " So it is, sir, 
 
 and you may well say so." "And all your 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 57 
 
 neighbours bring their grain to be ground, do 
 they?" "yes, sir, all but Jones." "Then it 
 is a great public convenience, is it not so ? " " To 
 be sure it is. I would not have built it but for 
 that. It is so far superior to any other mill, 
 sir." "And now," said the lawyer, "you tell 
 me that man Jones is complaining just because 
 the water from the dam happens to put back into 
 his little spring, and he is now threatening to 
 sue you. Well, all I have to say is, let him sue, 
 and he'll rue the da.y as sure as my name is 
 Brown." 
 
 Mil 
 
 Mul 
 
 
 WESTERN JUSTICE. 
 
 An Ohio man went to a western city to live, 
 but in a few months returned to his native state 
 and resumed his former business. A friend met 
 him shortly afterward and inquired why he had 
 returned. 
 
 "Don't like the blamed country," he said 
 indignantly. 
 
 " What's wrong ? No money out there ? " 
 
 " Plenty of it, but I don't like the style of 
 administering justice prevalent in that section." 
 
 " Why ? Too much Lynch ? " 
 
 " No, not that. They are too anxious to cover 
 all the points in a case." 
 
 " How do you mean ? " 
 
58 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 " Well, I'll tell you. One night I was on my 
 way to the hotel, when a footpad met me in a 
 lonely plpce and proposed to hold me up. I was 
 too quick for him, however, and the first thing 
 he knew I had whacked out my gun and let him 
 have a dose that winged him and brought a 
 policeman to the scene of action. The cop took 
 us both in, and the next morning we were before 
 the court." 
 
 " That was all right, wasn't it?" 
 
 "Of course, and it was all right to hold the 
 chap over for highway robbery, but I thought it 
 should have ended there." 
 
 "And didn't it?" 
 
 " Not much it didn't. The court said the cost 
 of the first case had to be paid by the city, as the 
 footpad had nothing, and he thought I ought to 
 help, so warrants were sworn out charging me 
 with carrying concealed weapons, and shooting 
 within the city limits, and I'm a sucker if that 
 dang fool judge didn't fine me fifty dollars for 
 the two offences, ai d I couldn't get out of t, for 
 I was convicted on my own testimony against 
 the footpad, i hat's what I call spreading jus- 
 tice on too thick, and I came back to Ohio where 
 neither side is vanished. "—Merchant Traveler. 
 
 An Alabama judge said : " The defendant is 
 not responsible for taking the victim's life, for he 
 
splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 
 
 59 
 
 was a pecnliar sort of fellow, and should have 
 died anyway." He is almost as bad as the 
 Arkansaw judge who said : " Gentlemen of the 
 jury, I am glad to see that you fnd a verdict 
 of not guilty. The dead man in this case played 
 base-ball, and therefore, under the statutes, ought 
 to have died." — Arkansaw Traveller. 
 
 THE GIRL WAS MORTGAGED. 
 
 A man in Eastern Arkansaw was arrested on 
 a charge of marrying a girl who was engaged to 
 some one else. " Your honour," said a lawyer, 
 when the bridegroom had been arrainged, " this 
 man has not violated the law, and I therefore 
 demand his release." *' Wasn't the gal engaged 
 to John Jackson?" "Yes, sir." "Then Bill 
 Simmons must be held." " Under what law, your 
 honour?" " Under the law of removin' mortgaged 
 property. Take him to jail, Mr. Constable."— 
 Arkansaw Traveller. 
 
 EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES. 
 
 "You are accused of having snatched a hand- 
 ful of small change from the till of a grocery 
 store on Austin-avenue," said Justice Tegener 
 to Jim Webster, a coloured prisoner. 
 
 ** Yes, yer honour, I knows I did ; but when a 
 man am hungry, and hain't had nuffin to eat for 
 
 Hi 
 
 M»i| 
 
 1-.! 
 
 i,l 
 
 i ■ 
 
 1 
 
( i 
 
 i 
 
 60 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 more den two days he am desperit an' crazy, and 
 he doan keer what he does." 
 
 "But it appears that at the time you stole a 
 handful of small change you had a five dollar 
 bill in your pocket." 
 
 'V^at am so, but I did not want ter bust a five 
 dollar bill. If you bust a five dollar bill, hit 
 melts right a,vf&y."— Texas Sift nigs. 
 
 A SUIT FOR DAMAGES. 
 
 ** I understand that Smith has called you a 
 thief and rascal ?" 
 
 " Yes, sir ; and I propose to sue him for $5,000 
 damages." 
 
 " He claims he can substantiate the truth of 
 what he has said." 
 
 " That's the beauty of it, my dear fellow, the 
 greater the truth the greater tbe libel. I've got 
 the deadwood on him." — Neiv York Sun. 
 
 TEADE AXIOMS. 
 
 Look after the ounces, the pounds will take 
 care of themselves. It is to your advantage to 
 weigh fish in the scales. What is bone in the 
 bread will never come out in the flesh. Old 
 birds are often sold by chaff. Sell your stale 
 
 \i 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 61 
 
 tiried fruits first, for remember, the proof of the 
 pudding is in the eating, and will not bo brought 
 home to you. In an " alarming sacrifice," the 
 customer is the victim. " Will wear well " may 
 be true, when to say it will last would be a fiction. 
 One black foot will sell many a Southdown. 
 Remember, finally, you are fighting the battle of 
 life, and always like a good soldier charge fear- 
 lessly. — Funny Folks. 
 
 A GOOD GIRL. 
 
 ** Now, Minnie," said a mother to her four-year 
 old daughter, " I want you to play with your 
 little brother while I am down-town." 
 
 " An' what will you bing me ? " 
 
 " Never mind. I will bring you something ; 
 and now, mind you, if he wants to play with 
 your toys, you musn't cry." 
 
 " Nome." 
 
 When the lady returned the little girl ran up 
 to her and said : — 
 
 " I played with my little brother. Now what 
 did you bring me ? " 
 
 " Mamma brought you an orange. Where's 
 little brother?" 
 
 " He's sleep. Gimme the orange." 
 
 She took the orange and said : " When he 
 grabbed my dishes I didn't cry." 
 
r 
 
 <J2 8PUNTEKH ; Oil, A GIUST OP OIOOLK8. 
 
 "You didn't? Why you are a good little 
 girl." 
 
 'Yessum, an' when he grabbed my doll I 
 didn't cry eiver." 
 
 "You didn't?" 
 
 "Nome." 
 
 " What did you say ? " 
 
 "Nuffin', but I knocked him down wif the 
 little chair."— Arkaiisaw Traveller. 
 
 A LEGAL DEFINITION. 
 
 "Oh, Mr. Smitli," said a youn^' lady at a 
 bazaar, '« I want yoiir help for a moment." 
 
 " Certainly," replied Mr. Smith, " what can I 
 do for you?" 
 
 "I have just sold a tidy for $15 that cost 
 fifteen cents, and I want you to tell me what per 
 centage that is." 
 
 "A transaction of that kind, my dear Miss 
 B.,"said Mr. Smith, who is a lawyer, ''gets out 
 of per centage and into larceny."— D/«A;e'« 
 Magazine. 
 
 A Massachusetts minister, rather at loss for 
 some fitting eulogy to pronounce at the funeral of 
 a poor, shiftless, rum-drinking, legal practitioner 
 in his town, at last boldly afiirmed that " our 
 worthy departed brother won and held the first 
 place at the local bar for many years." The 
 statement was not denied. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP OIOOLES. 68 
 
 HE WAS A KEB'ORMEH. 
 
 "BriggH," said a Pine street lawyer to his 
 young clerk, "why worn't you at 'the office 
 earlier this morning ? " 
 
 " Beg pardon, sir, but I am a reformer. I 
 believe that the office should 86ek ^le man, not 
 the man the office."— /^miA a-J. TaLc. 
 
 LAW AND EQl • I'i. 
 
 "Pray, my lord," queried a gentleman of a 
 judge, •• what is the difference between common 
 law and equity?" "Very little in the end," 
 responded his lordship ; " at common law you are 
 done for at once ; in equity you are not so easily 
 disposed of. The former is a bullet which is 
 instantaneously and charmingly effective; the 
 latter an angler's hook, which plays with the 
 victim before it kills him. Common law is 
 prussic acid ; equity is laudanum."— C7mm/>t'r«' 
 Journal. 
 
 WHAT HE WOULD PREFEK TO WAIVE. 
 
 Sam Eldridge was tried in San Antonio for 
 the theft of a horse and found guilty. Judge 
 Noonan requested the prisoner to stand up, and 
 then said to him officially : — 
 
 "You have been found guilty of stealing a 
 horse, and the penalty has been fixed at five 
 
64 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 years in the penitentiary. You can take an 
 appeal, or you can waive the appeal and be sen- 
 tenced right now." 
 
 " May it please your honour, I would prefer 
 to waive the penalty, if your honour has no 
 objection," responded Sam, cheerfully.— r^a;a« 
 Sifting 8. 
 
 A MAD LAWYER. 
 
 A young lawyer was making a violent speech 
 in a justice court the other day, and during his 
 remarks made use of some profane language. 
 
 •' Hold on there,' you young squirt," yelled the 
 justice ; " if you don't use better language I will 
 fine you for contempt of court." 
 
 •'Fine and be d — d to you!" yelled the 
 thoroughly maddened legal luminary; "you 
 are only a creature of the statute, and the 
 jurisdiction is only five dollars, while I have $100 
 worth of contempt for you." 
 
 CLEAELY ACTIONABLE. 
 
 BY CLARENCE H PEARSON. 
 
 ' Just quit, or I'll sue you I " fair Catharine cried. 
 
 To a lawyer audaciously prtasing his suit : 
 ' Pray tell me, sweet maid, when our case will be tried, 
 
 And what form of action will you institute ? " 
 ' If you squeeze me so hard," quoth the girl with a frown. 
 
 As she strove with the arm that so tightly embraced, 
 ' I will instantly scream for papa to come down 
 
 And proceed a the spot in an action of waste.'' 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 65 
 
 A SCENE IN COUET. 
 
 A Texas judge who is the perfection of dignity 
 
 on the bench, swore in as a witness a rather 
 
 frivolous looking young female. 
 
 " What is your name ? " asked the judge. 
 
 " Dolly Dimple." 
 
 " Where do you reside ? " 
 
 The witness giggled and replied : — 
 
 " What is the use of me tell:ng you where I 
 
 live ? You wouldn't call on me anyhow, would 
 
 you, judge T'— Texas Si/tings. 
 
 
 "I know," said the bald-headed lawyer, **I 
 know a fellow whose hair turned white in a 
 single night." 
 
 "Oh, yes, we've all read about him." 
 
 " Great Scott ! Has it got into the papers ? " 
 
 " Into the papers ! Why that fellow is histor- 
 ical. He's in poetry." 
 
 "You don't tell me." 
 
 " It was the prisoner of Chillou." 
 
 " No, no ; 'twasn't the same man. This fellow 
 went to San Quentin." 
 
 " It don't much matter. It's all a lie, any- 
 way." 
 
 " It isn't a lie." 
 
 . "I don't believe it." 
 6 
 
66 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 The dispute was waxin<j; warm, when a well- 
 known Democrat, a lawyer by profession, and 
 venerated by the party as the only Californian 
 who ever saw Tilden's bar'l, interposed. 
 
 " Your honour — I mean — I think it is possible. 
 I can't swear about hair turning gray ; but you 
 see these wrinkles," and he pointed to furrows 
 that looked like cuts and slashes won in legal 
 warfare. 
 
 " We do," said all, decisively and simultan- 
 eously. 
 
 " Those wrinkles came in a single night — in 
 leBS, in fact." ' 
 
 " It must have been a terrible shock ! " 
 
 " It was. My wife caught .me flirting with 
 another lady." And the conversation suddenly 
 dropped. 
 
 J. York Sawyer was one of the early circuit 
 judges of Illinois. He weighed about 250 pounds, 
 had a squint eye, was from one of the eastern 
 States, and prided himself upon his learning and 
 dignity. When ^nringfield was a small village, 
 he was holding court there in a log house, and 
 had for his gaol a log stable. In passing sentence 
 upon a man for horse-stealing, he said, " If such 
 things are allowed, we could keep no horses in 
 our stables, no cattle in our yards, no hogs in 
 our pens, no chickens on our roosts, etc., etc." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GHI8T OF GIGGLES. 67 
 
 A tall, lean, lank, rail-splitter who was standing 
 in the crowd of sturdy pioneers who had gathered 
 in the log court house to hear the sentence of 
 the court pronounced upon the horse-thief, cried 
 out at the top of his voice, - Hit him again old 
 gimlet eye, he's got no friends here, we'll stand 
 by you." 
 
 The judge feeling that his dignity had been 
 offended exclaimed, " who said that ? Who said 
 that ?" 
 
 The rail-splitter raising himself head and 
 shoulders above the crowd said, " This old boss 
 said it, sire." 
 
 Judge Sawyer said: "Mr. Sheriff, take that 
 old boss, and put him in the stable." 
 
 The sheriff obeyed the judge's order, and the 
 poor rail-splitter had to remain in the log gaol 
 over night, because he dared, in a rough and 
 honest way, break in and applaud the action of 
 the judge in a matter in which the settlers were 
 very much interested. 
 
 ' I 
 
 The griffin on the top of Temple bar memor- 
 ial bears a shield on which is inscribed in 
 letters of gold the legend, " Domine dirige nos." 
 
 There are not wanting profane persons who 
 say that cabmen, van-drivers, and others passing 
 that way, will require this and other prayers to 
 prevent them running into one another. 
 
68 
 
 splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 
 
 I 
 
 THE WKONG LEG. 
 
 The Portland Advertise!' tells the following 
 story : — " There was an eminent sergeant-at- 
 law some years ago, who had a cork leg that 
 was a triumph of artistic deception. None but 
 his intimates knew for certain which was the 
 real and which was the sham limb. A wild 
 young wag of the ' utter bar,' who knew the 
 sergeant pretty well, once thought to utilise his 
 knowledge of the sergeant's secret to take in a 
 green, newly fledged young barrister. 
 
 " The sergeant was addressing a special jury 
 at Westminster inriis usual earnest and vehement 
 style, and the wag whispered to hie neighbour, 
 * you see how hot old Buz-fuz is over his case ; 
 now I'll bet you a sovereign I'll run this pin into 
 his leg up to the head, and he'll never notice it, 
 he's so absorbed in his case. He's a most ex- 
 traordinary man in that way.' This was more 
 than the green-horn could swallow, so he took 
 the bet. The wag took a long pin from his 
 waistcoat, and leaning forward, drove it up to 
 the head in the sergeant's leg. A yell that froze 
 the blood of all who heard it, that made the hair 
 of the jury stand on end, and caused the judge's 
 wig almost to fall off, ran through the court. 
 
 " ' By Jove, it's the wrong leg, and I'vn lost 
 my money,' exclaimed the dismayed ana con- 
 science stricken wag, quite regardless of the 
 pain he had inflicted upon the learned sergeant." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 69 
 
 TAX SALES— INSTRUCTIONS TO SEARCH. 
 
 First look in the books of the Treasurer ; 
 &&i for what years, as entered there, 
 The land was sold. For first year see 
 If land in assessment roll shall be ; 
 If not there found, why sharply note, 
 The N.-R. Roll, and see if aught 
 Of wrong description can be found, 
 And if certificate's safe and sound. 
 Collector's Roll for seli-same year, 
 Pray search with care and see if there 
 Remarks in the margin do appear, 
 To show why taxes in arre^-r. 
 See if a list to Treasurer came, 
 As section 90 doth proclaim 
 In the year of sale, 'tis best to know 
 If three year list to clerk did go — 
 Before the first of Febru-ree, 
 And if the the assessor carefully 
 Has marked the lot or close beside 
 With the fatal words " not occupied ;" 
 And then made list correct — complete, 
 By altaching his certificate. 
 Likewise 'tis best to be discerned, 
 What list to Treasurer was returned ; 
 Or if the Treasurer has had, 
 Remitting By-law good or bad. 
 With view of warrant don't dispense, 
 And see if signed and sealed, and glance 
 At lot's description, if 'tis said, 
 The land was ever patented. 
 I pray thee now let it be seen 
 If the lot hath advertised been , 
 For thirteen weeks in a county sheet. 
 For four in the regular O. Gazette ; 
 And did advertisement clearly state 
 
70 
 
 SPLINTT^RS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 Land would be sold at j'lace or date, 
 
 When ninety days and also one, 
 
 From publicatiun first aie done ; 
 
 If sale adjourned, did Treasurer state, 
 
 At (a week elapsed) another date. 
 
 In local papers— stating wben, 
 
 And sell for cost and taxes then; 
 
 See no " official " bought tha lot. 
 
 That mortgagee acquired it not, 
 
 Th«t taxp.8 'fore th« sale not paid. 
 
 And e h. io for all arrears was liad. 
 
 Inspect I :. it itlo'ts/ of salt; .' 
 
 The interef t sold, it should not fail 
 
 To show-i... (art, nor qualify. 
 
 And that u, o'aed, at the expiry 
 
 Of a year, io ih^ buyer will be signed. 
 
 And a state of costs should be conjoined. 
 
 If land were not redeemed, a deed 
 
 Tbe purchaser will surely need, 
 
 And now, "ahem," I humbly pray, 
 
 Compare said deed with schedule " K !" 
 
 — Canada Law Journal. 
 
 ** CALL AGAIN." 
 
 '* Captain, I like to shpoke a few words to you," 
 he said, as he called at the Central Station 
 yesterday. 
 
 " WelL" 
 
 ** If some stranger comes into my place und 
 drinks a glass of peer, und doan' pay me, can I 
 hit him mit a glub ? " 
 
 "If you do he can have you arrested ^ -i 
 assault and batter .' 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 71 
 
 " Veil ! veil ! Can I take him py der collar 
 imd shake him a few times ? " 
 
 " That is the same thing." 
 
 " How vhas it if I gif him some kicks ? " 
 
 " Same thing. If you lay hands on him he 
 can have you arrested." 
 
 " You doan' say ! Can I call him names ? " 
 
 " That comes under the head of assault, and 
 perhaps he might bring an action for slander." 
 
 " Vhell, py gracious ! Doan't I haf some law 
 'iitall?' 
 
 " You can sue h'm for the debt." 
 
 "Humph! Captain, I like to tell you some- 
 thing ! " 
 
 " Go ahead." 
 
 " If some deadt boat comes into my blace und 
 drinks my peer I shmiles on him. I tells hnn it 
 vhas a fine day. I ask him to call again und I 
 make it pleasant for him. Dot vhas a signal 
 to my son Shake, who goes oudt py der alley und 
 waits for him. If something takes place oudt 
 dere I vhas innocent. If somepody vhas found 
 mit his pack proke dot vasn't me. I vhas in der 
 saloon all der time, und if Shake vhas gone oudt 
 I doan't see him ! Good-pye, Captain ! If some 
 law doan' protect me I look oudt for myself ! I 
 vhas a shmiler, und my son, Shake, doan' hurt 
 a flv." 
 
 A man who gets the mitten is apt to be guilty 
 
 of contempt of court. 
 
if 
 
 
 72 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF OIGGLES. 
 
 SHE WAS A WICKED WOMAN. 
 
 " Now, the best thing you can do," said the 
 judge to an old negro who had applied for a 
 divorce, "is to go home and behave yourself." 
 
 "Yes, sah." 
 
 " I do not see why you should not get along 
 all right." 
 
 " Yes, sah." 
 
 " We all have to make sacrifices." 
 
 "Yes, sah, so I heah 'em sey, but mighty few 
 men has ter put up wid sich er wife ez I'se got. 
 I ken stan' de common run o' wimmen, but dat 
 pusson, jedge, is rank pizen. W'y, sab, ef she 
 wuz er sleep and wuz ter dream dat I wuz enjoy- 
 in' myself she'd wake herse'f up an' see dat do 
 enjoyment was stopped right dar. She like ter 
 died some time er go. Wuz mighty in hopes 
 dat I was gwine ter lose her, but when she foun' 
 dat I wuz pleased, blame ef she didn't turn over 
 an' git well. She's a bad woman, sah." — Arkan- 
 saw Traveller. 
 
 Your honour, I am summoned to serve on the 
 grand jury, but I wish you would excuse me. 
 What is your business, sir? I am a coal mer- 
 chant, your honour, and very busy this weather. 
 You are excused, sir, on the ground that it would 
 be impossible for a coal dealer to weigh a matter 
 properly and find a true bill. 
 
SPLINTEHS; OR, A GRIST OF GIGQLES. 
 
 73 
 
 HE FOLLOWED ADVICE. 
 
 It is narrated that John K. Porter, now famous 
 for his briUiant attainments, when a young man, 
 was assigned by the court the defence of a man 
 charged with assault in the second degree, to give 
 the accused the best advice he could under the 
 circumstances, and bring the case to a trial with 
 all convenient speed. Porter immediately retired 
 to an adjacent room to consult with his client, 
 and returned shortly without him. " Where is 
 your client," demanded the astonished judge. 
 " He has left the place, I guess," replied Porter, 
 with the most astonishing sang froid. "Left the 
 place ! why, what do you mean, Mr. Porter ? '* 
 '* Why, your honour directed me to give him the 
 best advice I could under the circumstances. He 
 told me he was guilty, and I advised him to cut 
 and run for it. He took my advice as a good 
 client should, opened the window, and skedaddled. 
 He is about a mile away now." The very 
 audacity of the young barrio . deprived the 
 court of the power of speech, and nothing came 
 of the matter. — Boston Post. 
 
 U.4 
 
 1 ii 
 
 I 
 
 hi^k 
 
 A coloured man in Georgia who was bunted 
 off a railroad track wanted $20,000,000 damages, 
 but settled for $16 and a pass good for thirty 
 days. 
 
74 
 
 splinters; ok, a nv-nr or giggles. 
 
 Owing to the .uiucnlU m obtaining a legal 
 divorce in this country some curious methods 
 are resorted to to accoraphsh the same purpose. 
 Instance, the caae of Charles Smith, of Campbell- 
 ford, and his wife. Each was >«-;xj lUixions 
 to be relieved of the other, and the wife, finding 
 it too expensive to obtain a divorce in Michigan, 
 the following document was prepared and signed 
 by husbaad and wife, and a witness: 
 
 " I, Charles 8mith, of Warkworth, miller by 
 trade, do certify that having marry ed Mahaly 
 Alwilda, widow of the late Henry Zufelt, and 
 finding the said Maihaly Alwilda *o be an un- 
 suitable companion to enjoy liie with, and being 
 separated from said Mahaly Alwilda as my wife 
 I herowy pledge ray word and honour to never 
 molest or controle, or take any steps against 
 her ways or proceedings in any way whatever, in 
 the event of her marrying again, or whatever 
 the said Mahaly Alwilda chouses to do, I, Charles 
 Smith will also drop .(T name as Mrs. Smith. ' 
 
 " Mahaly C. Smith. 
 'Charles Smith. 
 "Witnesseth, Donald Douglass." 
 
 One of the most ingular om nations of 
 names is that of a lawyer in Loudon who is called 
 " Thomas Jolly Death." He is said to be a 
 jolly good fellow but ''death " on fees. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF 01G0LE8. 
 
 75 
 
 IT WAS IN CANADA. 
 
 A criminal who was about to be executed on the 
 gallows, petitioned the sheriff for delay, but the 
 official properly replied : — 
 
 "You have been tried, convicted and sen- 
 tenced, and there is no hope of reprieve. A 
 delay would be folly." 
 
 " But I want to make a coi^Tossion," said the 
 criminal. "I have committod several other 
 crimeii which the public doesn't know of. 
 
 " 0, as to that," said the sheriff, "we'll hang 
 you on this case and try you afterwards on the 
 otuers." 
 
 1' **al.— But this was in Canada. In the 
 States ^hey would have noUe-prossed the murder 
 caseo ' have gone for him for stealing chickens. 
 — Detroit F • Press. 
 
 A gentleman of our acquaintance tells the 
 following good story which goes to show that 
 the average Austin boy has what Mrs. Partington 
 would call a j udicious maid. He, the boy, wanted 
 to go in swimming. 
 
 " But, my son," rejoined the anxious parent; 
 "swimming is unhealthy. It was only this 
 morning when you were complaining of a pain 
 in your stomach." 
 
 " That's so, pa ; but I know how to swim on 
 my back." — Texas Siftwns. 
 
 1' 
 
 i ? 
 
 , ST, 
 
 t '' 
 t 
 
 » 4 
 
76 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A ORI8T OF (HQCiLES. 
 
 " What I don't understtmcl is how you managed 
 to get into that buiy'^ir proof safe without any 
 key," remarked a Galveston justice of the peace 
 to a burglar who was brought before him. 
 
 " If I were to tell your honour how to do it, 
 you wouldi 't be able to do it in ten years. 
 Getting into safes is not an easy job like being a 
 judge. You bet it takes brains to get into a safe 
 when you are not a bank olHcial." 
 
 A Missouri man who had stolen a horse and 
 who had been ari'ainged before court said: 
 "Judge, so far as I am concerned, you may have 
 the horse. No one can say that I have ever 
 been stingy. Its the only horse I have, but it's 
 yours." The judge explained that the crime 
 consisted of a violation of the law. **0, that's 
 it, eh?" said the prisoner. "Well, then, I 
 reckon I'm in for it ; but say, if it's not the horse 
 they care for, just keep him till I get out and I'll 
 make it all right. Won't, eh ? Let me tell you, 
 your blamed law is so mixed up that nobody 
 understands it." — Arkansaw Traveller. 
 
 A Troy lawyer gives as a reason for not going 
 to Europe this summer that a rich client of his 
 has just died and he is afraid the heirs will get 
 the property. — Troy Press. 
 
Sl'LINTKUS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 77 
 
 The Pall Mall Gazette tells this story: At 
 a Washington reception a young gentleman said 
 to a rather imposing looking man: "Good 
 evening ! glad to see you — we have not met 
 since we parted in ^lexieo." The person thus 
 spoken +0 coldly replied. " I fear you have the 
 advantage of me." *' Why, surely !" exclaimed 
 the mortified young fellow. "You don't seem 
 to rememher me." ** To tell the truth, I have 
 never been to Mexico." "Are you not Sir 
 Edward Thornton ? " " No ; I am Judge Poland 
 of Vermont." A few nights after this rebuff the 
 young man happened to be at another party, 
 and, seeing the judge, made up to him. After a 
 little desultory conversation he ventured to say, 
 '* That was an awful blunder of mine the other 
 evening to take you for old Thornton." " And 
 whom do you take me for now, may I ask *? ' 
 " Why you told me you were Judge Poland of 
 Vermont." The reply was crushing; "On the 
 contrary, sir, my name is Thornton." 
 
 1 
 
 '4 
 
 Law Professor : " What constitutes burglary ?" 
 Student : " There must be a breaking." Pro- 
 fessor : "Then if a man enters a door and takes 
 a sovereign from your vest pocket in the hall, 
 would that be burglary ?" Student: " Yes, sir ; 
 because that would break me." 
 
r 
 
 78 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 DAMON AND PYTHIAS OUTDONE. 
 
 ' Several San Antonio (Tex.) gentlemen were 
 sitting in the back room of Horner's saloon 
 taking their horns and discussing matters, and 
 things in general, when the conversation drifted 
 to the subject of friendship. Each one con- 
 tributed his opinion or told some story of some 
 great sacrifice made by one friend for another, 
 when Judge Simpson spoke up and said : 
 
 '• Talk of Damon and Pythias. I know of my 
 own knowledge a cage where two frinds ma-le 
 much greater sacrifice's for each other than ever 
 Damon and Pythias did." 
 
 "Schoost deli us about it schudge," said 
 George Horner, who waa listening. 
 
 " Hillman Brooks and Jim Danly were two 
 students at the University of Kentucky," said 
 Judge Simpson. - They were bosom friends, 
 occupying one small room, very high up in the 
 air, and very low rent. They were extremely 
 poor; frequently they did not have enough to 
 eat, and in cold weather they almost froze to- 
 gether. Brooks was studying law, while Danly 
 was a medical student. One very cold day they 
 were both in the room at the same time. Danly 
 was studying a medical book. Brooks in bed. 
 He went there to keep warm. 
 
 '" I am in a terrible fix about this examination 
 to-morrow,' said Danley. ' I have not been in 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 79 
 
 the dissecting-room for more than a month, and 
 I know the committee will examine me about the 
 muscles of the legs, and I have forgotton all I 
 knew about them. 1 wish I had a leg to dissect, 
 so I could post myself.' 
 
 " ' If that is all,' said Brooks, * I can accomo- 
 date you. A man who won't accomodate a friend 
 is no man at all. Kather than see you fail in 
 your examination I am willing to make any little 
 sacrifice ; ' and, sticking out his leg from under 
 the cover, he added : ' Just amputate that leg 
 and dissect it. Do me a favour will you ? ' 
 
 *' Danly hesitated at first to take advantage 
 of the liberal offer, but, upon Brooks' insisting, 
 he actually amputated his friend's leg, and 
 having dressed the stump he sat up all night 
 dissecting the amputated limb. Next day the 
 examination took place, and, thanks to Brooks' 
 friendly offer, Danly was al^le to pass it most 
 creditably, and obtained his diploma. 
 
 " ien.rs passed away. Danly was a flourish- 
 ing surgeon in Louisville. One day a man with 
 a wooden leg stumped into his office. It was 
 Brooks, who in the meantime had passed 
 examination and been admitted to the bar. 
 
 "'How are you coming on?' asked 
 Danly. 
 
 " ' Very poorly,' replied Brooks : ' I have not 
 had a single case. If I could get just one case 
 Sim a starter, I believe I would make a great 
 
 his 
 
 Dr. 
 
 
80 
 
 SPUNTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 criminal lawyer. , If I could get st chance to 
 defend some prominent murderer, I think my 
 reputation would be made.' 
 
 " 'If that is all,' replied Danly, 'lean accom- 
 modate you. A man who is not willing to make 
 a few sacrifices for his friends is no man at all. 
 I shall never forget your kindness in allowing 
 me to amputate your leg, and I am only too glad 
 to have an opportunity to reciprocate. I will 
 get you a case right off.' 
 
 " ' How are you going to do it ? ' asked Brooks. 
 
 " ' I will take a poker or hatchet, and I will go 
 down stairs and niurder my landlady. That 
 will create a sensation, and you will have an 
 opportunity to vindicate me before the court.' 
 
 " Danly was as good as his word. He went 
 down-stairs, and in a few minutes his visitor 
 heard several dull, sickening thuds. The mur- 
 derer returned to his visitor, and told him how 
 he had killed the old woman and robbed her of 
 all her money. 
 
 " ' You are so kind,' said Brooks. 
 
 " ' Not at all,' was the response ; ' I will just go 
 and deliver myself up to the authorities, and 
 you can consider yourself retained as my lawyer." 
 
 " The trial came off shortly afterward. When 
 Brooks, the one-legged lawyer, appealed to the 
 jury, and told how Dr. Danly was not instigated 
 by improper motives in murdering the old 
 woman — that he merely did it as a matter of 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 81 
 
 accommodation to his old friend— there was not 
 a dry eye in the court-room. 
 
 " The chivalrous nature of the Kentucky jury 
 was aroused, and they yelled, 'not guilty' 
 without leaving the box. 
 
 "Dr. Danly, after " 
 
 "Dot vill do, schudge," interrupted George 
 Horner, wiping a tear from his eye ; "I sets 
 'em up." And he ordered champagne for the 
 crowd . — Texas Sif tings . 
 
 A clerk in one of Boston's courts tells a very 
 good story of a somewhat flighty lawyer who was 
 once trying a case in which there was a great 
 scarcity of witnesses, and the evidence was about 
 all circumstantial. Finally the lawyer got ex- 
 cited and exclaimed : " Why judge, the angel 
 Gabriel came to me last night and said this man 
 is innocent." The judge, who happened to be 
 writing, did not even look up, but said in the 
 most matter-of-fact-way : " Let him be sub- 
 poenaed." 
 
 A lawyer received this indignant postal from a 
 client to whom a type-writer letter had been 
 sent : "I want you to understand that you 
 needn't print letters sent to me. I can read 
 wi'iting> even yours, and I don't want to be in- 
 sulted bv reflections on my ednpation." 
 6 ^ 
 
 
 
82 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 i-^- I 
 
 A LEC^AL SPEING POEM. 
 
 Whereas, on sundry boughs and sprays, 
 
 Now divers birds are heard to sing ; 
 And sundry flowers their heads upraise— 
 
 Hail to the coming on of the spring ! 
 
 The songs of the said birds arouse 
 
 The memory of our youthful hours, 
 As young and green as the said boughs, 
 
 As fresh and fair as the said flowers. 
 
 The birds aforesaid, happy pairs ! 
 
 Love 'midst the aforesaid boughs enshrines 
 In household nests, themselves, their heirs, 
 
 Administratoife and assigns. 
 
 O busiest term of Cupid's court ! 
 
 When tender plaintiffs actions bring ; 
 Season of frolic and of sport. 
 
 Hail ! as aforesaid, coming spring ! 
 
 — San Francisco Argo:i. 
 
 DESCRIBED. 
 
 Judge — "Please describe the man you saw 
 talking to the prisoner." 
 
 • Prisoner — "1 don't know how to do it, yer 
 honour." 
 
 Judge -"Can't describe him? Did he look 
 like any of these lawyers ? Did he look like 
 meT' 
 
 Prisoner—" No, yer honour. He looked like 
 an intelligent geuilQiaiiiw "—Philadelphia Call. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 83 
 
 MUST BE ENFORCED. 
 
 _ Abraham Stockton, who durincr many years 
 hved in the southern part of Arkansaw, was, in 
 honour to his great learning an.l also to the fact 
 that he had once killed a mad dog. elected justice 
 of the peace. The people were very anxious to 
 F.ee a case taken before the old man, for every 
 body knew that Stockto .'s opinion would be one 
 which the Supreme (]ourt could not reverse. The 
 opportunity came. A man named Eckford sued 
 Mr. Chesley. The litigation grew out of a dis- 
 pute concerning the ownership of a lot of sheep 
 A jury was empanelled, the evidence was taken 
 and the lawyers made their speeches. The ver- 
 dict of the jury declared that the sheep should 
 be equally divided Before discharging the jury 
 the magistrate said : 
 
 " You've did your duty, but you ain't made no 
 provisions fur the cost in this thing. The con- 
 stitution of the United States says that, when jury- 
 men make sich a oversight, the judge shall take 
 the matter mto his own hands. Gentlemen I'll 
 charge you $2 a piece. I have heard a heap o' 
 people talk about the judge's charge to the jury 
 an' I reckon some o' you -.viU talk about this one' 
 but if you say anything oui.en the way I'll whale 
 the whole kit an' bilin' o' yer," 
 
 ''Your honour," sail a lawyer, -you can't 
 make the jury pay — " 
 
 1 
 
 1, 
 
84 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 " Can't I ? Wall, now, it's funny if we don't. 
 They don't git a bite to eat till the thing's 
 settled. Boys, git your pops an' keep your eyes 
 on the jury. The laws of this state have got to 
 be enforced:'— Arkansaw Traveller. 
 
 ONE MAN Counted as ten. 
 
 Bishop Burnett relates a curious circumstance 
 respecting the original passage of that important 
 statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. " It was carried," 
 he says, "by an odd artifice in the House of 
 Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris were named 
 to be the tellerp. Lord Norris being a man 
 subject to vapours, was not at all times attentive 
 to what he was doing ; so a very fat lord coming 
 in, Lord Grey counted him for ten, as a jest at 
 first, but, seeing Lord Norris had not observed 
 it, he went on with this misreckoning often ; so 
 it was reported to the House, and declared that 
 they who were for the bill were the majority, 
 though it indeed went on the other side, and by 
 this means the bill passed." 
 
 " Your age ?" asked the judge. " Thirty-five, 
 your honour," replied the woman. 
 
 Judge—'* But you were thirty-five the last 
 time you were here, three years ago." 
 
 She—" And does your honour think I'm the 
 woman to say one thing one day, and another 
 thing another ? " 
 
SPLINTERB ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 85 
 
 A NEW KIND OF WRIT. 
 
 Not long ago a hale and hearty old Scotch 
 farmer from the county of Bruce, who in his time 
 had been sorely tried by the troubles attending 
 a writ of mandamus, visited Toronto and met 
 an old friend who was in a law scrape con- 
 cerning a fence which some one was trying to 
 make him remove. The friend was bemoaning 
 his legal entanglement, but said that he would 
 fight the thing out as long as he could. 
 
 "Hech, John," said tbe farmer from Bruce, 
 " dinna ye do ony such thing. The fairst thing 
 ye ken, they'll have a writ of ramdammus out 
 agin ye, and it'll kotch ye where ye are, and 
 where ye're not, and ye'll hev to pay the costs." 
 — Toronto News. 
 
 A few days ago a jury trial occurred in one of 
 our courts of justice, in Clyde ; and after the 
 jury had been discharged, the following ballots 
 were picked up in the jury-room : "No chaws 
 of acshun" ; " no cause of action " ; " no caus of 
 action " ; " No Couse of Action " ; ** no cause for 
 action " ; " No cows acton." 
 
 i 
 
 A Florida judge descended from the bench and 
 whipped a lawyer. An able man. He should 
 be elected Governor of the State. 
 
86 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 I I 
 
 HIS HONOUR AND BIJAH. 
 
 "Kin I elucidate ?" asked Robert Jackson, as 
 he toed the mark. 
 " Yes— go ahead." 
 
 " Well, sah, I desiah to compuniate de fack 
 dat I is comprisingly innercent of dis charge." 
 " How do you know what the charge is ? " 
 •' I reckon it's murder in de fust degree, sah." 
 " Not quite so bad as that. You simply got 
 drunk and lay down across the street car track." 
 " Oh, I see. Well, sah, I desiah do deviate de 
 construckshun to Ae effeck dat I nebber dun it. 
 If you kin fotch any man who'll say dat he eber 
 saw Robert Jackson drunk I'll present you wid a 
 waterraelyun fo'teen feet long." 
 
 " Officer, are ^iou sure he was drunk ? " 
 ** Yes, sir, and here's half a pint of whiskey J 
 found beside him." 
 " An' how did I act ?" 
 
 " You were lirapsy as a rag, unable to speak, 
 and drunk all the way through." 
 
 " Jedge," said the prisoner as he turned to 
 the bar. " it becomes my solemn dooty to repudi- 
 ate the articulashun." 
 
 " What do you mean by that ?" 
 " Why, sah, dat de circumlocushun suspends 
 de reacshun." 
 
 " Ah— I see. Well, that's a good thing, hap- 
 
8PLINTEUS ; OR, A OltlST OF GIGGLES. 87 
 
 pening just as it tloes, and the sentence is for 
 thirty days." 
 
 " Jedge, kin I rosyndicate ?" 
 
 "No, sir! Fall back." 
 
 '• Kin I symbolize my refleckshuns wid ?" 
 
 " No, sir ! Fall back, or I'll make it for sixty 
 days." — Detroit, Free Press. 
 
 THE FUST TIME. 
 
 " Squar'," began Farmer Tom Williams as 
 Bijah walked him out, " am I under arrest?" 
 
 " Well, rather." 
 
 '* Am I actually in gaol ? " 
 
 " It's about the same thing." 
 ■ " I declare ! What's the charge ? " 
 
 " Well you got drunk and had a fight." 
 
 " I did ! Peaches and pig-pens, but, me git 
 drunk ! Me have a fight ! The world must be 
 powerful nigh its last end ! " 
 
 " Officer, how was it ? " 
 
 " Well, sir, he drank beer with some men who 
 wanted to trade horses with him, and by and by 
 they all were tight enough to feel ugly and get 
 into a row. He was mopping the side -walk with 
 one of the fellows when I arrested him." 
 
 " Good land ! Great Scott ! Fire and water !" 
 gasped the prisoner as he threw up his arms, 
 
88 
 
 SPUNTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 " Me have a fight ! Me mop anybody around I 
 Why, Squar' I belong to the church." 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " And I've rung the bell for Thurt-day evenin' 
 prayer meetin' for the last fifteen years." 
 
 " Well." 
 
 " And only last Week I licked one of my boys 
 lor say in' he wished he had a glass of hard 
 cider." 
 
 " Lager beer downs most everybody, old 
 man. The safest way is to stick to soda water 
 and sage tea." 
 
 ** I got drunk ! I had a fight ! I'm in gaol ! 
 Squar', it must be that old Satan has bin let 
 loose on the l:,;^,rry. How kin I settle this law 
 suit ?" 
 
 " I shall ha-»o to fine you $5." 
 
 " Only $5 ? I thought it would be at least 
 $300 ! Here's the cash, Squar', and you needn't 
 gin me any advice in the matter. It's the fust 
 time in my life I ever made a fool o' myself, an' 
 you kin bet it will be the last. I'm going hum, 
 and soak my head in a bran-mash." — Detroit 
 Free Press. 
 
 A newly appointed Irish court crier being 
 ordered to clear the court-room, yelled out : 
 " Now, then, all ye blackguards that is not law- 
 yers mnst leave the court." 
 
SPLINTEU8 ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGOLEH. 
 
 89 
 
 THE ONLY EXCUSE HE HAD. 
 
 Judge — " I am sorry to see you here, Mr. 
 SwearingL'i). You are charged with bein^ 
 drunk." 
 
 Prisoner — " I acknowledg the corn, vour 
 honour." 
 
 Judge — "Considering your previous _ood 
 char, ter, I would pardon you this time did I 
 not fi d another charp^e against you of indecency. 
 The oiSicer sii -s that he f' and you about denuded 
 of clothing, nd we cannot permit any such 
 ciirryingH on in this virtuous town. I wid have 
 to send you up." 
 
 Prisoner — " But, your honour, I was lull — " 
 
 Judge — •* That is no \cuse. It simply aggra- 
 vates i.ie otTence." 
 
 Prisoner — "Bu' hold, your honour, the law 
 permits it." 
 
 Judge — "Explai'i yourself, sir." 
 
 Prisoner — " Well, your wife was in the same 
 fix at the governor's ball." 
 
 Judge — "Why, why ! What do you mean, sir?" 
 
 Prisoner — " She was in full dress." 
 
 Judge (abruptly) — " Sixty days." — St. Paul 
 Herald. 
 
 Law is very like a sieve ; it is easy to see 
 through it, but one must be considerably reduced 
 before he gets through. 
 

 
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90 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OB' GIGGLES. 
 
 THE WISE JURYMAN. 
 
 A juryman who had assisted in reaching a 
 wise conclusion in several cases of importance, 
 was complimented hy the lawyers on his wisdom,' 
 and he replied : 
 
 " Eeally, I deserve no praise for what you 
 mention, for I was sound asleep during your 
 arguments." 
 
 Moral— The less lawyer, the wiser the ver- 
 dict. 
 
 AN ACQUIESCENT WITNESS. 
 
 Justice (coloured)— When I said dat de man 
 wasn't straight, what did you say? 
 
 Witness— I said dat's so. 
 
 Justice— And when I said dat de man was 
 crooked, what did vou say ? 
 
 Witness— I said dat's so. 
 
 Justice— And when I said dat de man wasn't 
 upright, what did you say ? 
 
 V\ itness — I said dat's so. 
 
 Justice — And now you swear you didn't say 
 de man was dishonest ? 
 
 Witness- No more I did. I fought you 
 referred to de rumatics dat de man ha.d.—Few 
 York Advertiser. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 91 
 
 NOT FOR HIS HEALTH. 
 
 A Rocky mountain story with a moral was 
 related to me by Judge Mackey yesterday. 
 
 " I took a trip to the Rockies in 1867," said 
 the judge, " and among other characters met a 
 Rocky mountain pie vender. He was a big, fat 
 fellow, and his pufifed-out cheeks looked as 
 though he had put two rosy apples in them. 
 His appearance reminded me very much of the 
 Jack of Clubs in a deck of cards. I bought a 
 small slice of cast iron pie and a tin cup of milk 
 from him, and after devouring the tough repast 
 1 meekly enquired the cost of the two articles. 
 With a look of satisfaction the rosy-faced Jack 
 ' of Clubs said : 
 
 Stranger, one piece of gooseberry pie, 
 seventy-five cents ; one glass of cow's milk, fifty 
 cents; in all, stranger, one dollar twenty-five.' 
 
 What,' said I, in astonishment, ' one dollar 
 and twenty-five cents for such a trifi.. Why, I 
 can get more pie and milk than that in Wash- 
 ington for ten cents.' 
 
 " ' Look-a-here, stranger,' said Jack of Clubs, 
 with arm akimbo and looking me straight in the 
 face, ' do you think I kem to this darned wild- 
 cat country for health ?' 
 
 " I paid the bill without further argument," 
 added che judge.— Washiugton Hatchet. 
 
92 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 WHAT HE DID. 
 
 Woman on the witness stand; lawyer question- 
 ing her : 
 
 " Did you say, madam, the prisoner attempted 
 to kiss you ? " 
 
 "Yes, eir, hedid." 
 
 " What did vou do ? " 
 
 " I grabbed a stick of stove wood and let him 
 have it across the jaw." 
 ■ " What did he do ? " 
 
 "He backed out and run like a white-head." 
 
 " Did he recede ^t this demonstration ?" 
 
 •* Not that I seen, sir." 
 
 The prisoner went to jail for thirty days for 
 assault and battery. — Merchant Jraveller. 
 
 SOLD AGAii\. 
 
 " Captain, I like to sphoke to you a few times," 
 said Mr. Dunder as he entered the Central Sta- 
 tion yesterday forenoon. 
 
 " Well sir." 
 
 '* I puys me a horse last vheak, und I vhas 
 sheated from my eye teeth oudt. I like to haf 
 some law." 
 
 " What ails the horse ?" 
 
 "Vhell, sometimes he goes along all right, 
 und sometimes he jthops in der street und no- 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 93 
 
 pody can make him moof. I spheak to der man 
 iiboudt it, and he says der horse sthops because 
 he doan' spheak Dutch.'' 
 
 *' Anything more ?" 
 
 *• Vhell, he kick*? oop mit his hind feet und 
 knock der dashboard off and nearly kill my son 
 Shake. I spheak to der man aboudt it, und he 
 says der horse vhas too light behindt, and dot I 
 shall put a weight on him to hold him down." 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " Und I go oudt last Sunday mit der frau to 
 have a leetle sleigh- ride. Dot horse shump oudt 
 of der road and take m\ <>op on der sidewalk. I 
 spheak to der man aboudt it and he says dot 
 vhas a horse who likes to keep his feet clean. 
 Some ma J leads him pack on der street for me, 
 und he shtauds oop on his hind legs for ten 
 minute. Der man says dot vhas a circus trick, 
 mitoudt any extra charge. I at last pull him 
 down, und he runs avay for two miles und preaks 
 down der toll-gate und smashes Mrs. Dunder like 
 kindling wood. I spheak to der man's aboudt it 
 und he says dot horse belief he vhas in a race 
 for $200 a side. Now, Captain, can I haf some 
 
 e'» 
 
 law on dot man i- 
 
 " Did he warrant the horse to be kind, docile 
 and all that ?" 
 
 ** I doan' belief he didt. I like der color und 
 Shake says it was a nice mane and tail, und I 
 puys him right off." 
 
 i 
 
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94 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 " Then \ou can't do anything." 
 
 " I can't ? Vhell, dot's vhat I tell Shake und 
 der ouldt vhomans, und so I sells dot horse to a 
 Sherman preacher fur $10 more ash he cost me, 
 und all vhas some serene und lofely. I shust 
 come down to tell you dot I doan' warrant dot 
 horse at all, und vhen der preacher comes to 
 see if he dan make me sad you shust shlip in a 
 few remarks dot it vhas a case mitoudt some 
 cause for action. Good-pye, Captain." 
 
 NOT DANGEROUS. 
 
 A man, who, in Kentucky, had shot a friend, 
 was, on account of some informality of procedure,' 
 arraigned before court. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said the judge, addressing the 
 jury, "it would be well on this occasion to take 
 testimony concerning the defendant, to learn 
 whether or not he is a man" of peaceable dispo- 
 sition. Mr. Spillers," pointing to a spectator, 
 " will you please come forward and be sworn ?" 
 • When Mr. Spiller had been sworn, the counsel 
 for the defence asked : 
 
 " You do not consider Mr. Ackerman a danger- 
 ous person, do you ?" 
 
 ** Not at all, Cap'n, not at all." 
 
 " You do nci think he is in any way a desper- 
 ate character, do you ?" 
 
HPLINTERS; OR, A GRIST OF OIGGLEH. 95 
 
 " Why, bless your soul, Cap'n, not at all." 
 " You would not be afraid of Imu, would you ?" 
 "Lord love you, Cap'n, not a bit. Why, 
 Cap'n, talk about me being afraid of hitn ! 'Bout 
 two years ag^ me an' Ackermau fell out. Shortly 
 after that I wasagoin' along through the woods. 
 I wan't expectin' to meet nobodv, an' wan't par- 
 ticular oji the lookout, but I had my old fuzee 
 along with me. Well, Lord bless you, Cap'n, 
 the fust thing I knowed Ackerman jumped from 
 behind a tree and cut loose at me witfi a pepper- 
 box pistol, an' Lord love your soul, honey, I 
 pulled down on him an' filled him so full o' lead 
 that we had to turn him over with a hand- 
 spike. Oh, no, Cap'n, a man that packs a pep- 
 per-box ain't dangerous. He's his own worst 
 inirny, Cap'n. Any other p'lnts you want to 
 know ?" 
 
 There were no other "p'ints."— Dm/ce's Maga- 
 zine. 
 
 THE SENTENCE CHANGED. 
 
 One of the keenest things ever said on the 
 bench is attributed to Judge Walton. While 
 holding a term of the supreme court at Augusta 
 he sentenced a man to seven years in prison for 
 a grave crime. Tl ^spondent's counsel asked 
 for a mitigation of tL sentence on the ground 
 
96 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 that the prisoner's health was very poor. " Your 
 honor," said he, '* I am satisfied that my client 
 cannot live out half that term, and I beg of you 
 to change the sentence." " Well, under these 
 circumstances," said the judge, " I will cbange 
 the sentence ; I will make it for life, instead of 
 seven years." It is needless to add that the re- 
 spondent chose to abide by the original sentence, 
 which the judge permitted him to elect.— 
 Indianapolis Journal. 
 
 THE JUDGE' KNEW THE GAME. 
 
 Judge Weld had some alleged gamblers before 
 him yesterday, captured in a raid on an Eastside 
 saloon. The police captured a lot of playing 
 cards and chips. The accused men had a law- 
 yer to defend them, and produced witnesses not 
 disinclined to swear tc most anything. One of 
 them did swear that no gambling was going on. 
 
 " What were you doing with those chips ?" 
 asked the justice sternly. 
 
 " We were not gambling, your honor, we were 
 playing penuckle." 
 
 " Playing what ?" 
 
 ** Playing penuckle." 
 
 " Oh; no," said the justice, " you can't fool me 
 in that way. I never heard of playing penuckle 
 with chips." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OK, A GUIST OP OIGGLKS. 
 
 97 
 
 " But he swears to it," interposed the lawyer. 
 
 " Nevermind, " said the j iistice, " he can swear as 
 much as he likes. I know the game."— ^^ Y. Sun. 
 
 A NEW BREEDING INDUSTRY. 
 
 An Irishman, accused of having stolen a gun, 
 was taken and brought to justice. On the day 
 of the trial he was reflecting on what defence he 
 should make before the judge, when he saw a 
 fellow prisoner return from the court, having 
 been tried on a charge of stealing a goose. 
 
 " Well," said the Irishman, " how did you 
 come off?" 
 
 " Oh," replied the other, " I am acquitted." 
 
 " What defence did you make ?" 
 
 *' Why, I told the judge that I had brought up 
 the goose from the time it was a gosling, and that 
 I had witnesses to prove it." 
 
 "Very good, indeed," said Paddy, who was at 
 that moment called into court to take h. rial ; 
 " stay a short time for me. I'll soon be acquitted." 
 
 He was then co.ndu(^tcd to the bar, the accusa- 
 tion was read, and the judge asked him what he 
 had to say in his defence. 
 
 " My lord," replied the Hibernian, " I have 
 brought up that gun ever since it was a pistol, 
 and I can bring witnesses to prove it." 
 
 The judge, however, and the jury, were not 
 sufficiently credulous, and poor Paddy was con- 
 demned to be transported.— DmWim Herald. 
 7 
 
 I i 
 
 4' 
 
98 
 
 SI'LINTEBS ; OR, A QRIST OF 0I00LE8. 
 
 TAKING IT OUT OF HIM. 
 
 Sir James S- 
 
 -, when at the bar, had to 
 cross-examine a witness whose evidence it was 
 thought would be very damaging, unless he could 
 be bothered a little, and his only vulnerable 
 point was his self-esteem. The witness presented 
 himself in the box — a portly, overdressed person 
 — and Sir James took him in hand. 
 
 •' Mr. John Tompkins, I believe?" 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " You are a stocik broker ?" 
 
 " I ham." 
 
 Sir James regarded him attentively for a few 
 moments, and then said : 
 
 '* And a very fine, well dressed ham you are, 
 sir !" 
 
 The shouts of laughter completely disconcerted 
 the witness, and the counsel's point was gained. 
 — London Telegraph. 
 
 "Are your domestic relations agreeable?" 
 asked a judge of a coloured witness. " What's 
 dat conjunction, boss ?" ** I ask are your family 
 ties pleasant ?" '* Wall, no, sah. When a 
 'oman ties a man when he's drunk and whips 
 him till he's sober, I doan' tink dat it's pleasant 
 sah." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A ORI8T OP OIOOLER. 90 
 
 TWO 'laws. 
 
 Several days ago a white man was arraigned 
 before a coloured justice down the country on 
 charges of killing a man and stealing a mule 
 
 "Wall," said the justice, "de fac's in dis case 
 shall be weighed with carefulness, an' ef I hangs 
 yer, tamt no fault of mine." 
 
 " Judge, you have no jurisdiction only to 
 examine me." 
 
 '• Dat sorter work 'longs to de raigular justice, 
 but yer see I'se been put on as a special ; a 
 special hez de right to make a moaf at S'preme 
 Court ef he chuses ter." 
 " Do the best for me you can, judge." 
 " Dats what I'se gwine ter do. I'se got two 
 kmds Ob law in dis court, de Arkansaw and the 
 iexas law ; I generally gins a man de right to 
 choose for hissel. Now what law does yer want 
 ae iexas or de Arkansaw?" ' 
 
 *• I believe h take the Arkansaw." 
 " Wall, in dat case I'll dismiss yer for stealin' 
 de mule — " 
 
 " Thank you, judge." 
 "An' hang yer fur killin' de man—" 
 " I believe judge, that I'll take the Texas " 
 " Wall in dat case I'll dismiss yer fur killin' 
 de man — " 
 
 " You have a good heart, judge." 
 
 I 1^ 
 
 il 
 
100 BI'LINTEIIH ; OR, A OIU8T OF OIGOLKS. 
 
 " An* hang yer fer stealin* de mulo. I'll just 
 take tie 'casion heah ter remark, dat de only 
 difference 'tween de two laws iz in de way yer 
 state de case." 
 
 
 The following is from California : Scene in 
 u Police Court. 
 
 Judge. — "Bill Sheets, you are charged with 
 burglary. Are you guilty ?" 
 
 " Sure, your 'onour, if it's gooilthy I am, do 
 yez thinks I be afther tellin' yez ov it ? I pleads 
 not goolithy," waa the response of Bill. 
 
 " All right," said the judge, and turning to 
 one of the m jst eminent members of the bar 
 said : " You will please act as counsel for the 
 defendant." At this the prisoner turned and 
 cahnly surveyed the placid countenance of his 
 champion, and then addressed the court as 
 follows : 
 
 " Sure, an' if it's that, yez afther given me for 
 a loiyer, I plades gooilthy and be done wid 
 it at once." Then as he turned and pointed 
 to a robust form of a youthful member of the bar 
 he continued : " But if you'ill give me him, as 
 what is a foine loiyer, oill plade not gooilthy." 
 The prisoner was allowed his choice of coun- 
 sel. 
 
 A polite way of dunning a delinquent is to 
 send him a bouquet of forget-me-nots. 
 
SPLINTERS ; Oft, A 0RI8T OF OIOOLEB. 101 
 
 In a case in Connecticut, lant month, the 
 judge ruled that certain evidence was inadniiss- 
 able. The attorney took strong exceptions to 
 the ruling and insisted that tlie otfered evidence 
 was admissahle. "I know, yo.ir honour," said 
 he, warmly, " That it is proper evidence ; here 
 I have been practising at the bar for forty years, 
 and now 1 want to know if I am a fool ? " 
 " That," quietly replied the court, " is a question 
 of fact, and not of law, and so I won't pass upon 
 it, but will let the jury decide." 
 
 A prisoner was arraigned for some offence 
 against the criminal laws of the state, who stated 
 he was unable to have a lawyer. The court told 
 him to select one of a number of young lawyers 
 present to represent him. He contemptuously 
 surveyed the group of legal tyros, and remarked 
 that he preferred to plead guilty at once tLun be 
 embarrassed with such counsel. This provoked a 
 ripple of laughter from the bystanders at the 
 expense of the ignored lawyers. The court gave 
 the prisoner the full term. Thereupon the 
 lawyers laughed and ** honours were easy." 
 
 In Lynchburg, Va., a distinguished member 
 of the bar, appealing to the court for the dis- 
 charge of his client, wound up with the statement 
 
i' 
 
 102 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 that if the court sent him on further trial a 
 stain would be left on his character which could 
 not be washed off by all the waters of the blue 
 ocean and all the soap which could be manu- 
 factured from the '' ponderous carcase of the 
 commonwealth's attorney." To this the pon- 
 derous attorney replied, that While he ** deemed 
 it foreign to the case at the bar, he desired to 
 advise the court, if they thought it advisable to 
 boil his body into soap, they should look to the 
 opposite counsel for the concentrated lye out of 
 which to make it." { 
 
 Cross -examiner. — " Have you ever been in a 
 penitentiary?" 
 
 Coloured witness. — " Yes, sah !" 
 
 Cross-examiner.—" How often have you been 
 in the penitentiary ? " 
 
 Coloured witness.—*' Twice, sah ! " 
 
 Cross-examiner. — "Where ?" 
 
 Coloured witness.—" In Baltimore, sah ! " 
 
 Cross-examiner. — "How long were you there 
 the first time ? " 
 
 Coloured witness.—" 'Bout two hours, sah." 
 
 Cross-examiner.— " How long the second time ?" 
 
 Coloured witness.—" 'Bout an hour, sah. I 
 went dar to whitewash a cell for a lawyah who 
 had robbed his client." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 103 
 
 A NON.PLUSSED JUDGE. 
 
 An Irishman sold his farm and bought another 
 in the same neighbourhood, and in moving he 
 took the manure from his old farm to muck his 
 new one and the purchaser sued him for so doing. 
 
 Upon the trial, the judge (instructed the jury, 
 that according to the law, manure is a part of the 
 real estate, and t' t they must therefore give a 
 verdict in favour oi the plaintiff for the value of 
 the manure. This so exasperated Pat, that he 
 jumped up and addressed the court in an excited 
 manner, as follows : 
 
 " Do you say, judge, that manure is a part of 
 the real estate ? " 
 
 ** Certainly," replied the judge, " as much as 
 the soil." 
 
 " Now judge, is not a cow personal property ? " 
 
 "Yes," said the judge. 
 
 " And is not hay personal property ? " 
 
 "Yes," said the judge. 
 
 " Well, now, then judge, will you please 
 explain to the jury how one piece of personal 
 property can go through another piece of personal 
 property and come out real estate ? " 
 
 When the lamented Judge Mainnere was on 
 the Circuit Bench, a German from one of the 
 interior towns of the county who had just been 
 
 
104 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 elected as Justice of the Peace but had never 
 tried a case, came into court to witness a trial 
 so that he might know how to proceed when he 
 should be called upon to administer justice. It 
 so happened that he was present during the last 
 day of the celebrated Hoffps murder trial and 
 heard Judge Mainnere sentencing Hoffps to be 
 hung. About ten days after this his first case 
 came on for trial. It was upon a note of hand 
 and amounted to $12.25. Addressing himself 
 to the defendant Han^, he said, "Stand up! 
 What has the prisojner to say why the sentence 
 of the court should not be pronounced upon 
 him ? " The poor defendant, frightened by the 
 solemn manner of the justice, said he had 
 nothing to say. " Then," said the justice, "it 
 is the sentence of the court that you pay to the 
 plaintiff, John Dedrich, the sum of $12.25 and 
 $2.30 costs, and may God Almighty have mercy 
 on your soul." 
 
 Yesterday forenoon a coloured man w^ho had 
 a load of light ashes on his waggon halted so 
 long at the corner of Woodward avenue and 
 High street, that a policeman approached him 
 and asked : 
 
 " Anything wrong with horse or waggon ? " 
 
 "No, sah." 
 
 " Waiting here for anybody ? " 
 
 '•Yes, kinder." * 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 105 
 
 "This is no place to stop and let your ashes 
 blow away. Why don't you drive on ? " 
 
 " Dasn't sah. Look down High street." 
 
 "I don't see anything but a boy sprinkling 
 the street with a garden hose." 
 
 "That's jist what ails me, sah. Ize been 
 waitin' a hull half hour fur dat boy to disab- 
 squatulate into de yard." 
 
 "Why?" 
 
 " Well, sah, Ize been right dar seb'ral times. 
 Dat boy has got his eye on dis turn out. I'll 
 go drivin' 'long till I come opposite, an' den the 
 hose will slip and de old boss will get a dose in 
 his ear. I'd yell to de boy an' he'll make a trip 
 an' a stumble, an' hull gallons o' water will 
 come pourin' down on de back o' my neck. I'll 
 hab a pint in each ear, ebery pocket afloat, an' 
 it will take two hull days to git dis undershirt 
 dried out." 
 
 " You go on," said the officer. " The boy sees 
 me, and he won't dare let a drop of water touch 
 you." 
 
 The' old maja hesitated, but finally climbed to 
 his seat and drove on. The boy stood with his 
 back to the approaching vehicle and made no 
 move until the horse was almost abreast of him, 
 then he had to move the hose, and spat went 
 the stream against the old equine. 
 
 " Hi dar ! Hi, boy ! " yelled the old man as 
 he pulled on the lines. 
 
106 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 "Yes— didn't mean to— very sorry, but she's 
 gettin' away from me ! " 
 
 ** She" got away. '' She" shot a stream high 
 m air and " she" shot others in various direc- 
 tions, and it was not until the old man was out 
 of range that the boy succeeded in getting " her" 
 under control and resumed his practice on the 
 dusty pavement. 
 
 " Hi ! ossifer ! " called the old man as he 
 jumped down to shake himself, " didn't I tell ye ? 
 Didn't I foretell ye jist how dis ole undershirt 
 would be soaked full ? You may be de smartest 
 sort of ossifer on de track of a burglar but on a 
 boy wid a hose you are nowhars." 
 
 GOV. GASTON IMPOSED UPON. ., 
 
 Gov. Gaston had occasion to send a dunning 
 note to a client whose account was long past 
 due. After a few days the man came in. 
 
 " Well, how are you getting along?" said the 
 governor, cheerilv. 
 
 " Ah, I'm in deep trouble ; I can't seem to be 
 able to hold up or get started since my poor wife 
 died." 
 
 " Your wife dead ? Sorry to hear it ; sorry to 
 hear it." ' 
 
 "Yes, she's gone." 
 
 The governor, who is a very soft-hearted man, 
 
 was so touched by the man's evident affliction 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 107 
 
 that he hadn't the heart to ask him for the 
 money, and sent him away. 
 
 A few days afterward he met a friend who 
 knew his afflicted client, and remarked to him 
 that the man seemed to take his wife's death 
 very hard indeed. 
 
 "Take it hard ;>" laughed the other, "why 
 she's been dead five years, and he married again 
 the other day." 
 
 THE STUTTERING JUSTICE. 
 
 I found it difficult to get access to the presi- 
 dent, and made several failing attempts. The 
 rule of admission to the executive chamber was 
 cabinet officers, senators of the United States, 
 justices of the Supreme Court of the United 
 States, and members of the House of Represen- 
 tatives, in the order named. Although I was 
 always on hand early, I found that some one 
 who had outranked me had preceded me. After 
 returning one morning from one of these fruitless 
 efforts, I met in the corridor of Willard's hotel, 
 Orlando Kellogg, then of our neighbouring 
 county of Essex, and now deceased, who had 
 been in the Thirtieth Congress— 1847-'9— with 
 Mr. Lincoln, as a member from the State of 
 Illinois. He was a man of rugged exterior, of 
 
 
108 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 little polish, limited literary culture, but strong 
 in native good sense, which Pope truly says : 
 
 ' Though no science, is fairly wortli the seven.' 
 
 I had before met him at the bar. where he was 
 distinguished as a close reasoner and successful 
 •advocate with a jury. He and Mr. Lincoln had 
 so many traits in common that they were macr- 
 netically attracted to each other and became 
 warm friends. They had not met up to this 
 time since March, 1849. Telling Kellogg of my 
 ineffectual attempts to get an interview with the 
 president, he said he would secure me an audi- 
 ence the next morning, and that he would at 
 once go over to the White House and arrange for 
 It. Having nothing to do and knowing that 
 there was to be a cabinet meeting that morning, 
 I accompanied him, curious to know what was his 
 potent '^ open sesame "to the executive chamber. 
 Sauntering up carelessly to the door-k^per 
 with watch-chain and large seals dangling from 
 his fob and with hands in his pockets, he said : 
 " Young man, you go in and tell the president 
 that Orlando Kellogg is at the door and w^nts 
 to tell him the story of the stuttering justice." 
 The door-keeper said he did not like to take 
 8uch a message to the president, as a cabinet 
 meeting was in session. In his most imperative 
 manner Kellogg ordered him to go in or he 
 would regret it. The young man obeyed, and 
 
splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 109 
 
 returning in a moment said the president di- 
 rected him to bring Mr. Kellogg in. Some time 
 afterward Secretary Chase, who was the imper- 
 sonation of official and personal propriety, 
 described to me with evident disgust, the scene. 
 On Kellogg's entry, Mr. Lincoln met him at the 
 door and grasped him warmly by the hand with 
 great delighi. " Gentlemen," said Mr. Lincoln, 
 addressing his cabinet, " this is my old friend, 
 Orlando Kellogg, and he wants to tell us the 
 story of the stuttering justice. Lei us lay all 
 business aside, for it is a good story." And the 
 wheels of the public business stopped, although 
 the clouds of war were lowering, while the 
 humourous Kellogg, with Lincoln convulsed with 
 laughter, furnished them a little lubrication with 
 a **good story." I had my interview with Mr. 
 Lincoln the next morning, at an hour named on 
 a card handed me by Mr. Kellogg, and found the 
 way paved for the accomplishment of my pur- 
 poses. 
 
 A MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCE. 
 
 "Are you aware of any mitigating circum- 
 stances ii. ^our case ? " asked a Texas judge of a 
 negro convictc d of horse stealing. 
 
 " Yes sah, lots ob 'em. Ef I had time, jedge, 
 I could talk to you for a week on dat subject." 
 
 " If you know of any mitigating circumstance, 
 please state it. 
 
110 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 '•Yes, sal), I'll tell you ob one right now, 
 sah. How easy would it hab been for me to 
 bring my family inter disgrace and misery, sah, 
 by stealin' dat boss. But I didn't do ft, sah.' 
 I jess remained single. I neber married, sah. 
 Anodder mitigatin' circumstance am—" 
 
 " Sheriff, remove the prisoner."— r^^a^ Sift- 
 ings. 
 
 GOOD GEOUNDS. 
 
 '• I called to see you about getting a divorce," 
 said a nicely dressed man to a lawyer. 
 *' Well, what are your grounds ? " 
 " The withdrawal of her affections from me." 
 " Ah ! And who is the vilHau in the case ? " 
 " Her pug dog." 
 
 " Grounds sufficient. I will get out the papers 
 immediacy ."—Kentuch/ State Journal 
 
 Judge.—*' Why do you wish this witness to be 
 heard ? " 
 
 Defendant.—" Because you can place entire 
 confidence in him ? " 
 
 Judge.—** For what reason?" 
 
 Defendant.—** Because he hasn't had time to 
 consult a lawyer." 
 
 , Judge.—*' That is reason enough. Let him be 
 s'ivovn/'— Philadelphia Call. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. Ill 
 
 HE COULDN'T SEE. 
 
 A gentleman who bad once been a member of 
 the Texas Legislature was arrested in Houston 
 for theft. Said the justice to the culprit: 
 *' You were not satisfied to eat a dinner at the 
 man's restaurant without paying for it, but you 
 went off with the castor and spoons besides." 
 ** That's so, your honour, but I took the castor 
 and spoons from honest motives." "HoneFt 
 motives ? " " Yes, I wanted to pawn them, so I 
 could raise money to pay for the dinner. See ? " 
 The justice somehow failed to see it —Texas 
 Sifting 8. 
 
 They tell a good story on a lawyer of Wooster, 
 0. A client charged with stealing a hog ad- 
 mitted his guilt to his counsel. The latter was 
 noted for his honesty in private life. After 
 thinking the matter over he said : 
 
 " John, cut that hog exactly in half, and bring 
 one-half to me." 
 
 John obeyed. The evidence for the prosecu- 
 tion was weak, and when the counsel for the 
 defence arose he won the case by saying to the 
 jury : 
 
 " Gentlemen, I can hold up my hand to heaven 
 and say that the defendant has no more of that 
 hog than I ha>\e."~LouisrUle Courier-Journal. 
 
112 HPLINTEUa; OR, A ORI8T OF OIo'aLES. 
 
 IMPORTANT JUDICIAL DECISION. 
 
 A Kentucky hen, while being driven out of a 
 neighbouring garden, let fall an egg while she 
 was flying to the top of the fence, which the 
 woman who drove her out picked up and made 
 use of. 
 
 A suit being brought in the lower court to 
 recover the price of the egg, it was decided 
 against the owner of the hen on the ground that 
 " the egg being layed on the premises of the 
 defendant, it was her egg." 
 
 The plaintiff then took .the case up to the 
 court of appeals, and the decision of the lower 
 court was promptly and properly reversed on 
 the ground that the action was wrongly brought 
 in that court, because of the word "layed'' 
 having been used ; " the hen did not lay the egg, 
 but dropped it." — Kentucky State Journal. 
 
 A witness discomfited a lawyer by a rather 
 unexpected reply. To the question : " What is 
 your name?" " H. Bamberger," was the an- 
 swer. *' What is your Christian name ? " asked 
 the attorney. " I have no Christian name," 
 said Mr. Bamberger. " No Christian name ? 
 How is that ? " " For the simple reason that I 
 am a Jew. My full name is Herman Bamber- 
 ger." The lawyer gracefully acknowledged his 
 defeat. 
 
splinters; or, a ORIST of GIOOLE8. 113 
 
 S'POSEN. 
 
 He was a dried-up, wilted-looking little old 
 man and when he talked his voice put you in 
 mmd of all the crimes you ever committed. 
 
 "Your honour, we will s'posen a case ! " he 
 shouted, as he stood on the mark. 
 
 " Go ahead and s'posen, but lower your voice 
 about sixteen pegs." 
 
 " S'posen I was going along Seventh street, 
 your honour, a carrying of a pail of milk in one 
 hand and two pounds of butter in the other ? » 
 
 "All right, prisoner. I presume the butter 
 was artificial and that the milk had been watered." 
 
 "And s'posen you met a street car, and the 
 conductor was mean and the driver drunk, and 
 the car wouldn't give you half the street ? " 
 
 '' Is It customary for street cars to turn out for 
 pedestrians ? " 
 
 "And s'posen you insisted on your rights, and 
 that you had a fight with the driver, and that an 
 otfacer run you in, would you be guilty ? " 
 
 " Was that your excuse for creating a row 
 and disturbing the peace ? " 
 
 " Your honour, I don't allow no street car to 
 run over me, nor bluflf me off the track ! " 
 
 " But you broke the law." 
 
 "And I don't allow no law t) run over mo 
 either. 
 
 8 
 
114 gPLINTBBS; <^R, A ORI8T OF OIOOLE8. 
 
 "Prisoner, 1 ahall fine you $5." 
 
 " I'll riever pay it ! " 
 
 " Then you'll go up for thirty days ! " 
 
 " No, I won't ! " 
 
 He would have gone up but for his wife, who 
 paid the fine, ordered him to ** shot his old 
 head," and hurried him oiY homa.— Detroit Free 
 Press. 
 
 LOVE^ AND LAW. 
 
 A young lawyer who had long paid his court 
 to a lady without much advancing his suit, 
 accused her one day of being " insensible to the 
 power of love." " It does not follow," she archly 
 replied, " that I am so because I am not to be 
 won by the power of attorney." " Forgive me," 
 said the suitor, " but you should remember that 
 all the votaries of Cupid are solicitors." 
 
 An embarras:^ed young lawyer, ^vitli his firs^ 
 cause, appeared before a Was* > in '.t;oxi judge the 
 other day with his umbrella under his arm, and 
 in his agitation kept his hat on. He began his 
 remarks, when the judge kindly said, " Hadn't 
 ycu better raise your umbrella ?" As an exchange 
 • jys, this would have been a considerate sugges- 
 tion if laercy really " drops like the gentle dew 
 from heaven." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A ORI8T OP OlaOL£8. 115 
 
 A TEXAS COURT SCENE. 
 
 TWO LAWYERS ENGAGE IN A FIGHT AND THE JUDGE 
 TAKES A HAND IN. 
 
 • ^ Forth Worth, Texas, June 20.- A tight occurred 
 in the district court room last night which carae 
 near resulting fatally. The trial of voung 
 Stephens, charged with the murder of \)r Wal- 
 lace, at Mansaeld, in this county, has just 
 opened, the day having heen spent impanc ling 
 a jury. The attorneys were tired and petulant, 
 i^urman, the leading counsel for the defence 
 became embroiled h a controversy with county' 
 attorney Bowlin, and they finally came to blows. 
 Everybody expected to see a double tragedy . 
 The court-room was quickly emptied. Both 
 men were undoubtedly armed, and each one only 
 waitingfor the other to draw. In the midst of 
 this confusion Judge Beekman leaped from the 
 bendi into the arena. As he did so, lawyer 
 Weare, who is associated with Bowlin in the 
 prosecution, excitedly struck the judge a very 
 severe blow under the ear. The court was 
 dazed for an instant, but being a powerful man 
 instantly recovered his balance and let fall a 
 sledge-hammer blow that prostrated lawver 
 Weare. Turning his attention to the principal 
 combatants, who by this time had clinched and 
 were committing mayhem upon one another's 
 
 ■I 
 
116 splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 
 
 ears and cheeks, the judge commanded the jury 
 to arise and quell the riot. At the same time 
 the crowd seized one of the combatants and two 
 jurymen another, thus separating them. Furman 
 and Bowlin were fined $50 each for contempt 
 after which the court immediately adjourned, 
 as all the combatants were bleeding profusely. 
 The court did not fine lawyer Weare. It is 
 feared the feeling engendered will yet result 
 ' in a tragedy. 
 
 \ 
 
 Lord Campbell, it 'is well known, was fond of a 
 joke, and sometimes had the tables turned upon 
 himself. A few days before his death he met a 
 barrister, who had grown very stout of late, and 
 
 he remarked, " Why, Mr. you are getting 
 
 as fat as a porpoise." " Fit company, my lord, 
 for the great seal," was the ready repartee. 
 
 A ludicrous but exciting and 'mock-heroic 
 scene has occurred in the Superior Court of 
 Quebec. A powerful and probably effective appeal 
 was made to the court by the fair defendilnt in 
 a divorce suit fainting in the arms of her advo- 
 cate. This would do well in London. 
 
 The *' divorce suit " is the name of the most 
 stylish travelling dress in Chicago. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 117 
 
 A PLAIN CHARGE BY AN OUTSPOKEN 
 
 JUDGE. 
 
 "Gentlemen of the jury, in this case the 
 counsel on both sides are unintelligible. The 
 witnesses on both sides are incredible, and the 
 plaintiff and defendant are both such bad char- 
 acters, that to me it is indifferent which way 
 you give your verdict." 
 
 A Yankee one day asked his lawyer how an 
 heiress might be carried off. *' You cannot do 
 it with safety," said his counsellor, " but I'll tell 
 you what you may do, let her mount a horse 
 and hold a bridle-whip ; do you then mount 
 behind her, and you are safe, for she runs away 
 with you." The next day the lawyer found that 
 it was his own daughter who had run away with 
 his c-ient. 
 
 A spinster went recently to a well-known 
 lawyer and engaged him to manage a suit for 
 her, in which she claimed a legacy, to which her 
 right was disputed. The suit was lost and the 
 poor maiden said to . the lawyer, ** How can I' 
 ever repay you for all the time and trouble which 
 you have taken on my account ? I have nothing 
 but my heart to give you." '* My clerk takes the 
 fees, go to him," answered the lawyer, gruffly. 
 
118 splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 
 
 DOING A LAWYER 
 
 A well-]mown young solicitor obtained a di- 
 vorce for a pretty and wealthy client. He sent 
 in a bill for a thousand dollars. The next day 
 the lady called on him and inquired if he was 
 in earnest in proposing to her. "Propose to 
 you madarae, I didn't propose to you," replied 
 the astonished lawyer. "Well, you asked for 
 my fortune, and I thought you would have the 
 grace to take me with it," was the calm reply. 
 The lawyer gave in. 
 
 "I do not say," remarked the lawyer, ** that the 
 defendant in this case is a thief; but I do say 
 that if his farm joined mine I would not try to 
 keep sheep." 
 
 The following lines are by a bachelor barrister 
 and Q.C. : "Fair woman was made to bewitch; a 
 companion, a nurse, a blessing, a curse." Fair 
 woman was made to be which ? He had better 
 put the matter to a practical test. 
 
 I don't wish to say anything against the indi- 
 vidual in question, said a very polite lawyer, but 
 would merely remark, in the language of the 
 poet, that to him "truth is stranger than fiction." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 119 
 
 FEES. 
 
 There's the Fee Simple, 
 And the Simple Fee ; 
 And all the Fees Entail ; 
 But give me the best of all 
 The Fees " Fee-Male." 
 
 AN AWFUL SCENE. 
 
 Some queer scenes ensue in Wyoming, where 
 the women vote, serve on juries, etc., like their 
 lords and masters. Kecently, six married ladies 
 and as many gentlemen were empanelled upon 
 a murder case there, and it became necessary 
 to lock them up all night. Three of the hus- 
 bands stormed and raved at the judge, and half 
 a dozen children made the court house ring 
 with their cries, but the judge was inexorable, 
 and put them under lock and key. 
 
 The Mahomedan law of divorce is a marvel 
 of simplicity. The husband repeats to the wife 
 three times, "You are divorced," and the thing 
 is done. But the wife is not allowed to use the 
 easy formula against the husband. 
 
 A man's wife is his best lawyer, his best 
 counsel, his best judge, his best adviser, and 
 also the cheapest and most reasonable. 
 
120 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 BREACH OF PROMISE. 
 
 Lincoln, 111., May 23.— [Special]— Circuit 
 Court convened last Monday with Judge Herd- 
 man presiding. The docket is light, and it will 
 take but a few weeks to clear it. A breach of 
 promise case will be heard, in which Elizabeth 
 Purkey sues John Johnson for lacerated feelings 
 and affections. The defendant and a companion 
 agreed, it is said, to draw lots for fair Ehzabeth 
 and her sister. Johnson spat on a stick and 
 threw it up— wet or (Iry was to seal the fates of 
 these four lovers. The wet side came down, and 
 left Johnson second choice. Elizabeth fell to 
 him and, although he wanted the other sister, 
 he went away promising to stand by his bargain; 
 but he never came back, and married another. 
 Elizabeth is determined that he shall pay for 
 his fickleness, hence the suit. 
 
 
 "And so you have received a divorce from that 
 vagabond husband of yours, Mrs. Smith ? " 
 
 " Yes, I am glad to say that I have." 
 
 " Didn't you feel quite overpowered when you 
 heard the decision of the judge ? " 
 
 " Not exactly. I felt sort of unmanned, so to 
 speak." — New York Sun. 
 
 Fellows who paint the town red over night, 
 are liable to feel blue in the police court in the 
 morning.— Texas Sif tings. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 121 
 
 DIDN'T KNOW HER. 
 
 REASONS WHY AN ARKANSAW NEGRO COULDN'T SWEAR 
 THAT HE WAS WELL ACQUAINTED WITH HIS WJFE. 
 
 *• Do you know this woman ? " asked a lawyer 
 of a negro who had been summoned to testify 
 before court. 
 
 " Yas, sah, I knows her." 
 
 " Do you know her very intimately ? " 
 
 " No, sah, kai'nt say dat I do." 
 
 " How long have you known her ? " 
 
 "Wall, I got er'quainted wid her short time 
 before I married her." 
 
 " She's your wife, then ? " 
 
 " Yes, sah, sorter." 
 
 " Thought you did not know her intimately?" 
 
 " Dat's what I jackerlated." 
 
 " I don't understand then, how she can be 
 your wife." 
 
 "Wall, yes see, sah, she 'longs ter de church, 
 de Singin' S'ciety, de Sisters o' de Sacred Broom, 
 de Daughters o' Ham, an' two or three httle 
 side shows. Er 'oman whut is kep' so busy, sah, 
 
 am't got no time ter fool er roun' home." 
 
 Arkansaiv Traveller. 
 
 A lawyer's clerk wants to know if a cross- 
 examination can be a good-natured one ? 
 
122 SPLINTERS ; OK, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 WHAT KEEPS IIIM SO CONFOUNDED 
 
 SHORT. 
 
 ** Prisoner," said a West Side justice of the 
 peace, addressing a soiled and faded tramp, 
 "you are charged with vagrancy. What have 
 you to say to it ? " 
 
 •* That means, I suppose, I have no visible 
 means of support: haven't any princely rev- 
 enue?" 
 
 " That's about the, size of it." 
 
 ** Well, it's a mistake. I have a pretty good 
 fund of resources, but the law snatches 'em away 
 from me." 
 
 "The law?" 
 
 ** Yes, I'm paying alimony to three divorced 
 wives in this city. That's what keeps me so 
 confounded short." — Chicago Telegram. 
 
 I 
 
 A Cincinnatti lawyer recently won a $2,000,000 
 contested will case and turned over to the 
 defendant over $600,000 of the amount. The 
 other lawyers did not understand his generosity 
 until they learned that he was engaged to marry 
 his client's daughter, and expected to get the 
 money back. 
 
 Lawyers do much courting where there isn't 
 even the slightest love. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GHIST OF GIGGLES. 123 
 
 POOR ADVICE FOR A BOOTBLACK. 
 
 " Jim, did ver git one o' them 'ere little motter 
 cards o' Bradford Smith's ? " 
 
 "You bet!" 
 
 " Wat'd yer think o' what it says on to 'em ? " 
 
 " Sorter so so. Knowed all o' them 'ere things 
 afore, though." 
 
 " Most o' them 'ere mottoes was all right ; but 
 that's one on 'em as is bad— awful bad'" 
 
 " What's that ? " 
 
 '"Be trustin'.' That 'ere's a rotten sort of 
 advism' for a bootblack to arn his grub an' 
 chawin' terbacker on:'— Detroit Journal. 
 
 Farmer Woods, of Brewster, N.Y., turned up 
 m the Jefferson Market Police Court yesterday, 
 as drunk and as smiling as ever. It was about 
 his tenth appearance in the same role. 
 
 "Consarn it," said he to Justice Duffy, ** I 
 hev' the all-firedest luck when I come to town I 
 ever see. I no more than land at the deppy than 
 one of those 'ere bluecoated fellers yanks me to 
 another blue-coated feller who shoves me inter 
 a cell." 
 
 ^^ "But," added the old man flatteringly, 
 •' there's generally a gentleman sitting wliere 
 you be that lets me go hum." 
 
 "You get drunk every time you come 
 
 10 
 
124 SPLINTERS ; OR, A ORI8T OF GIGGLES. 
 
 town, don't you ? " asked the little judge, 
 sternly. 
 
 " No judge, yer wrong ; and it's just there I 
 claim a pint of law on yer. Yer ain't got no 
 right fur to punish me." 
 
 " How is that ? " 
 
 *• Why I didn't get drunk here, I was drunk 
 when I started." 
 He was discharged.— iV^ew; York Herald. 
 
 Nobody has ever 'yet given to the world the 
 names of the two gentlemen who are always 
 shaking hands so cordially on the State seal. It 
 is believed, however, that one of them is a 
 colonel and that the other is a judge.— Louisville 
 Courier- Journal. 
 
 A Texas judge fined a man for calling him a 
 liar while court was in session. The judge, in 
 explaining to the man's friends, said : " I know 
 that I am a liar, but not while court is in session, 
 gentlemen."— Arka7isaiv Traveller. 
 
 A shark followed an ocean steamer several 
 days a short time ago, and nothing would induce 
 him to leave until some one happened to conceive 
 the brilliant idea of dropping a note over in- 
 forming him that there was a lawyer already on 
 the ship. 
 
SPLINTEI18 ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 125 
 
 
 ESTHETIC JOURNALISM. 
 
 A NEW REPORTEH WRITES THE POLICE COURT 
 DOINGS A LA " OUIDA." 
 
 They got a new reporter on the Portland 
 Slasher, the other day. He was a young man 
 with high forehead, hair parted in the middle, 
 and a dreamy, poetic eye. He was just from' 
 college, and he knew he could make a success as 
 a journalist, because he had written a short 
 story for " Godey's Lady's Book." He remarked 
 to the editor that Ouida was the only writer 
 whose style was worth imitating, and that there 
 was a soft, idyllic charm about William Black's 
 books that was simply inimitable. 
 
 The editor said he " shouldn't wonder," and 
 sent the man down to see what was going on at 
 the police court. Later on the graduate handed 
 in the following report : 
 
 "Biddy McGinnis, did you strike the de- ' 
 fendantwitha beer mug?" asked his honour, 
 as a woman with a red shawl and nose took the 
 stand. 
 
 The soft spring zephyrs rustled the papers on 
 the dusty desks. Through the open window 
 came the distant chirp of the bobolink, from the 
 meadows fragrant with the breath of daisy- 
 bespangled grain. "I'll not be desavin' yer 
 honour : I guv 'im ther full of me fist in the 
 eye, sur." 
 
126 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIQOLES. 
 
 From the fresh hadgerows and primrose^ 
 flecked dell floated the delicate scent of the 
 honeysuckle and trailing arbutus. A huge bum- 
 ble bee droned lazily across the foreground, 
 carrying its golden store of rifled sweets. 
 
 " It's the lie she guv me that begun it," re- 
 marked Mr. Hollihan, from his seat, " it's not 
 ther first illigant dance she bruck up wid her 
 ructions intoirly, so it isn't." 
 
 The judge wiped h.'s cardinal-tinted brow, and 
 his gaze wandered out through the chequered 
 squares of sunlight ihat drifted down from the 
 idly-stirring leaves of the maple trees to where 
 the hazy outlines of the fat off hills melted into 
 the blue evanescent mist of the evening sky. 
 The dying sun threw a great tender flood of pur- 
 ple light over the slowly reddening expanse, while 
 m the middle distance an implacable white crag 
 lifted its fevered forehead to the slow coming dew! 
 *' The whole gang of 'em were b'ihn' drunk, 
 yer honour," said officer Grabbey. " The 
 woman's been up twenty-one times already." 
 
 It was the clear note of the quail in the stubble 
 the freshening breeze brought faintly but sweetly 
 to their ears, mingled quaintly with the twitter 
 of the moth-pursuing orioles flashing through 
 the orchard opening and away into the dim 
 gathering shadows. 
 
 ''It's a loie,yer honour— only nineteen times ; 
 divil the wan more." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF OIOOLES. 127 
 
 By this the solemn, slow elouds had piled 
 in a far-reaching, sinister shape above the 
 bloody couch of the slain and dying day. At 
 their summit two steadfast eyes came out to 
 see, as though in the far grayness of remote 
 antiquity some sphynx-like Cain bent steadfast 
 and unremorseful gaze above his fresh-murdered 
 kin. 
 
 " Six months," said the court. '♦ Next? " 
 
 " Did you write this ? " asked the editor. 
 
 " I flatter myself I did," said the dreamy- 
 eyed reporter. 
 
 *' Come with me..' 
 
 And in in a few minutes the editor returned 
 with gore— fresh human gore spots— on his 
 cuffs. — San Franciscian. 
 
 WHAT RUINED ELI PERKINS' INTEL- 
 LECT. 
 
 What ruined me and got me into an idiot 
 asylum was this :— I used to have a strong con- 
 tempt for lawyers. I thought their long cross- 
 examinations were brainless dialogues for no 
 purpose. But ever since lawyer Johnson had me 
 for a witness in a wood case I have had a better 
 opinion of the lawyer's skill. In my direct tes- 
 timony I had sworn truthfully that John Hall 
 had cut ten cords of wood in three days. Then 
 
128 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP OIOOLBS. 
 
 Johnson sharpened his pencil and commenced 
 examining mc. 
 
 "Now, Mr. Perkins," he began, " how much 
 wood do you say was cut by Mr. Hall ? " 
 
 " Just ten cords, sir," I answered boldly, " I 
 measured it." 
 
 " That's your impression ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Well, we don't want impressions, sir. What 
 we want is facts before this jury — f-a-c-t-s, sir, 
 facts ! " 
 
 " The witness will please state facts hereafter," 
 said the judge, while the crimson came to my 
 face. 
 
 " Now sir," continued Johnson, pointing his 
 finger at me, " will you swear that it was more 
 than nine cords ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir, it was ten cords— just — " 
 
 " There ! never mind," interrupted Johnson. 
 
 " Now }iow much less than twelve cords were 
 there?" 
 
 "Two cords, sir." 
 
 " How do you know there were just two cords 
 less, sir ? Did you measure these two cords, 
 sir ?" asked Johnson, savagely. 
 
 " No, sir, I—" 
 
 " There, that will do ! You did not measure 
 it. Just as I expected. All guess-work. Now 
 didn't you swear a moment ago that you measured 
 this wood ?" 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A QMtiT OF OiaOLES. 129 
 
 " Yes, sir, but—" 
 
 " Stop, sir ! The j-iry will note this discrep- 
 ancy." '^ 
 
 " Now, sir," continued Johnson, slowly, as he 
 pointed his finger almost down my throat, '* Now, 
 Bir, on your oath, will you swear that there were 
 not ten cords and a half ? " 
 
 "Yes, sir," I answered meekly. 
 
 " Well now, Mr. Perkins, I demand a straight 
 answer— a truthful answer, sir : how much m ^od 
 was there ? " 
 
 "T— T— Ten c-c-cords," I answered, hesi- 
 tatingly. 
 
 " You swear it ? " 
 
 •' I— I-d— d-do." 
 
 "Now," continued Johnson, as he smiled sar- 
 castically, -do you know the penalty of perjury, 
 sir / 
 
 " Yes, sir, I think—" 
 
 " On your oath, on your s-o-l-e-m-n oath, with 
 no evasion, are you willing to perjure yourself 
 by solemnly swearing that there were more than 
 nine cords of wood ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir, I—" 
 
 " Aha ! Yes, sir. You are willing to perjure 
 yourself, then ? Just as I thought (turning to 
 the judge) ; you gee, your honour, that this 
 witness is prevaricating. He is not willing to 
 swear that there were more than nine cords of 
 wood. It is infamous, gentleman of the jury, 
 
 «7 
 
 11 
 
 IK 
 J' ■ 
 
 ' 1 ^ ' ^^Bb 
 
 ill 
 
 II 
 1 '' ■* H 
 
 '•' i 
 
 , t il 
 
130 
 
 splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 
 
 such testimony as this." The jury nodded as- 
 sent and smiled sarcastically at me. 
 
 "Now," said Johnson, "I will ask this perjured 
 witness just one more question." 
 
 "I ask you, sir— do you know — do you realize, 
 sir, what an awful— a-w-f-u-1 thing it is to tell a 
 lie ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir," I said, my voice trembling. 
 
 " And knowing this, you swear on your solemn 
 oath that there were about nine cords of wood?" 
 
 ** No, sir, I don't, do anything of—" 
 
 " Hold on, sir ! Now how do you know there 
 were just nine cords ? " 
 
 *' I don't know any such thinrj, sir ! I — " 
 
 "Aha ! You don't know then ? Just as I ex- 
 pected. And yet you swore you did know. 
 Swore you measured it Infamous ! Gentlemen 
 of the jury, what shall we do with this perjurer? " 
 
 " But I~" 
 
 ** Not a word, sir— hush ! This jury shall not 
 be insulted by a perjurer ! — " 
 
 " Call the next witness!" 
 
 This is why I am now keeping books in a 
 lunatic asvlum. 
 
 A Texas judge has fined a man for calling him 
 a liar in court. Texas marksmanship is deterio- 
 rating. Several years ago a judge would never 
 have fined a man for that offence. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 131 
 
 Jud 
 
 A SNORING WIFE. 
 
 ge, my wife does snore just awful, if I 
 must say it, but I didn't want to, and thought 
 may be, I wouldn't have to. There's no such 
 thing as getting a wink of sleep in the same 
 house with her, and as I have to earn my living 
 I ve got to do my slumbering at night." 
 " But that won't give you a divorce." 
 "Not if I pay for it?" 
 " Why, no ; you'd be kicked out of court." 
 ** But along with her snoring she whistles 
 through her nose like a tug-boat. She's a little 
 woman but good heavens, judge, she'd raise 
 the dead." 
 
 " That don't make any difference. The law 
 says you must put up with it and make the best 
 of It. To get a divorce you must have a reason- 
 able cause to begin with." 
 
 '' Well, great Caesar, judge ! Ain't having to 
 
 s leep in the coal-shed enough to begin with, I'd 
 
 Ike to know ? I thought the law was made to 
 
 lielp a body along. Don't it take no pity on a 
 
 man at all?" ^ ^ 
 
 " Not in a case like that. It presumes that 
 you married the woman with your eyes open." 
 
 " So I did, judge; and they've been open ever 
 since Does the law say I've got to go without 
 Sleep till I drop, or bunk in the barn ? Does the 
 
 M- 
 
 I 
 
 II 
 
132 
 
 SPLINTERS I OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 law give that woman a right to make a fog-horn 
 of herself and shake the whole house with her 
 nose as soon as she shuts her eyes ? Does the 
 law uphold her in robbing a man of his sleep 
 that's the same thing as bone and muscle to 
 me ? Does the law give her the right to whistle 
 through her nose and snore fit to make a cow 
 bawl the live-long night, and at the same time 
 give her a whack at my property if I leave her 
 to save my life ? Does it do all that, judge ? " 
 " Well, yes ; it sjmmers down to about that.'* 
 "Well, then, I'll never vote again as long as I 
 live, and I won't pay a cent of taxes if I hang 
 for it. If the law tries to bulldoze me that way 
 it'll have to paddle its own canoe after this, thvfc's 
 all. I fit for the government once, but I'll be 
 blamed if I'll ever do it again." — Chicago Ledger, 
 
 AN EMBAREASSING POSITION. 
 
 Arkansaw citizen (to the coloured justice of 
 the peace)— "Why don't you fine that fellow five 
 dollars for being drunk and disorderly ? " 
 
 Coloured justice — "Cos I owes him five dollahs 
 borrowed money, sah, an' I was 'fraid he'd wan' 
 me ter turn dat debt ober ter de majesty ob de 
 law." 
 
 Where there is a will there is a way; where 
 there is much in the will the lawyers have a 
 knack of getting away with it. 
 
■ 8I*LINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 183 
 
 PAP'S DOWN ON PEDLEKS. 
 
 A man with some large and attractive 
 patches on his raiment and a voice that would 
 equip a campaign torchlight procession for the 
 vocal exercises of the evening, came to the judi- 
 cial desk of the Jefferson Market police court 
 when the name of Wm. Brennan was called, and 
 glared savagely at a small boy before the railing. 
 The small boy did not seem to mind it, however, 
 but gave his attention to a reluctant suspender 
 that refused to remain buttoned. The magistrate 
 asked what the trouble was, and the complainant 
 told his story. 
 
 He was in trade, the stationery trade, he said, 
 and he carried his stock about with him. It re- 
 quired no expressage, as it consisted of six 
 diaries and twelve lead pencils. He had rung 
 the bell of a King street mansion. No one an- 
 swered. He had gone down to the basement 
 and knocked. Still no one answered. Then he 
 had tapped on the window. Still silence. But 
 just then he had been made aware of the pre- 
 sence of this selfsame small boy who had issued 
 from an alley alongside and proceeded to hurl 
 at him decayed vegetables and other odds and 
 ends in the street cleaning department's line. 
 None of them had hit him, he admitted, but for 
 self-protection he had summoned a policeman 
 and had the hostile taken into camp. 
 
134 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 The magistrate tried to look severe, and turned 
 his gaze^ upon the culprit, at which the latter 
 dug his fingers into his eyes and struggled man- 
 fully but fruitlessly to crush out a tear. 
 
 "Look here, Win. Brennan," his honour said, 
 •' is that your name ? " 
 
 " Yessah." 
 
 " You hear what you have been doing ? " 
 
 "Yessah." 
 
 " Is your father living ? " 
 
 "Yessah." 
 . " He is, eh ? An(t no doubt slaving to support 
 a worthless boy, like you. Now, tell me, do 
 you know what he would do if he heard you had 
 been pelting this man ? " 
 
 " Yessah." 
 
 " I warrant you know. Now, what would he 
 do?" 
 
 " Lam me, 'cause I missed the galoot. Pap's 
 down on pedlers."-iVt'»» York Herald. 
 
 ALL THE DIFFEEENCE. 
 
 Lawyer (to witness). ''Did you say that an 
 incompetent man would keep an hotel just as 
 well as anybody ? " Witness : " No, I said an 
 in-experienced man could." 
 
 The cheapest of lawyers — kv.3ping one's own 
 counsel. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 135 
 
 Sergeant Peck, a London policeman, has pub- 
 lished a volume of poems. Tt is a little doubtful 
 whether or not it should be considered an addi- 
 tion to criminal literature. One of the poems is 
 " On a Constable," and here is an extract :— 
 
 " He the law must understand, 
 
 Of this free and happy land, 
 Be responsible for any charge he makes, 
 
 Be always on the spot, 
 
 Cool when all around are hot, 
 And be very careful not to make mistakes." 
 
 On the Hon. Harvey Erskine receiving his 
 appointment to succeed Mr. Dundasas justiciary 
 in Scotland, he observed that he must go and 
 order his silk robe. " Never mind," said Mr. 
 Dundas, ** for the short time you will require it 
 you had better borrow mine." " No," replied 
 Erskine, ''no matter for how short a time 
 soever I may need it, heaven forbid that I com- 
 mence my career by adopting the ' abandoned 
 habits of my predecessor." 
 
 ^^ "Madam," said old Roger to his housekeeper, 
 " in primitive countries beef is often the legal 
 tender ; but madam," added he emphatically, 
 thrusting his fork into the steak, " all the law in 
 Christendom could not make this beef tender," 
 
136 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 I 
 
 LEGAL AUTHOEITY. 
 
 At a party not long since where questions were 
 asked, and facetious if not felicitous answers were 
 expected, a coal dealer asked what legal authority 
 was the favourite with his trade. One answered 
 ** Coke." " Eight," said the coal dealer. Another 
 suggested "Blackstone." " Good too," said the 
 questioner. Then a little hard-faced man in the 
 corner piped out "Little-ton," whereupon the 
 coal dealer sat down^ without saying anything. 
 
 GOING TO LAW. 
 
 They have a curious way of deciding law suits 
 in Siam ; both parties are put under cold water, 
 and the one staying longest wins the suit. In 
 this country both parties are got into hot water, 
 and then kept there as long as possible. The 
 result is the same. 
 
 A woman went to the police head-quarters to 
 have them hunt for her missing husband. ** What 
 is his distinguishing feature?" " A large Eoman 
 nose," she answered. "Then he won't be found," 
 emphatically exclaimed a policeman, " for a nose 
 of that kind never turns up." 
 
 What part of a cartwheel is like the foreman 
 of a jury ? The spokes (man), of course. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 137 
 
 A celebrated barrister, retired from practice, 
 was one 'lay asked his sincere opinion of the law. 
 " Why, the fact is," rejoined he, " if any man 
 were to claim the coat upon my back, and 
 threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should 
 certainly have it, lest, in defending my coalj, I 
 should lose my waistcoat also." 
 
 A case was being tried in the West of England, 
 and at its termination the judge charged the 
 jury and they retired for consultation. Hour 
 after hour passed and no verdict was brought in. 
 The judge's dinner hour arrived aud he became 
 hungry and impatient. Upon enquiry, he learned 
 that one obstinate juryman was holding out 
 against eleven. That he could not stand, and 
 he ordered the twelve men to be brought before 
 him. He told them that in his charge to them 
 he had so plainly stated the case and the law, 
 that the verdict ought to be unanimous, and the 
 man who permitted his individual opinion to 
 Tveigh a,gainst the judgment of eleven men of 
 wisdom, was unfit and disqualified ever again to 
 act in the capacity of juryman. At the end of 
 this exciting harangue, a little squeaky voice 
 came from one of the jury. He said, *' will 
 your lordship allow me to say a word." Permis- 
 sion being given, he added, *' may it please your 
 lordship, I am the only man on your side." 
 
 n 
 
 ii 
 
 »!' 
 
138 SPLINTERS ; OR, A OHIST 
 
 OF GIGGLES. 
 
 TOO MUCH FOR THE JUDGE. 
 
 A very pretentious landlord in one of the 
 counties of the northern judicial circuit, keeping 
 a very common hotel," was always going to 
 have great improvements to his house, table 
 furniture, etc. After many false promises of 
 • the kind at last a court day came, when he 
 redeemed them all by a dish of which any land- 
 lord, as he thought, should feel proud. 
 
 At dinner time thei^ was the dish. Itwasapia 
 roasted whole, stuffed to bursting with light 
 bread, onions, etc., standing erect as life, flanked 
 by Irish potatoes, and having a big red apple in 
 Its mouth. '■ 
 
 The pig faced Judge Dooly, and the judge faced 
 the pig with a quizzical expression. 
 
 The carving knife and fork were handy. Law- 
 yers were all around the table. No one offered 
 to carve the pig. Dinner ended with the pig as 
 periect as when it began. Supper came, and 
 the pig came and went. The same thing was 
 repeated at the three meals next day. 
 
 The second morning, when Judge Dooly came 
 to the table, there was the pig. Making a bow 
 the judge said : * 
 
 " Good morning, Mr. Pig, I am afraid you 
 haA^e lost your appetite, seeing you have not 
 eaten that apple yet, and I presume you are tired 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 139 
 
 of attending court. Mr. Sheriff, you may dis- 
 charge him on his own recognizance until the 
 next session of the court, of course, seeing we 
 will have no further use for him this session."— 
 tSavannah News. 
 
 Counsellor Lamb (an old man at the time 
 Lord Erskine was at the height of his reputation) 
 was a man of timid manners and nervous dispo- 
 sition, and usually prefaced his pleadings with 
 an apology to that effect. On one occasion 
 when opposed to Erskine, he happened to remark 
 
 he felt himself growing more and more timid 
 as he grew older." -No wonder," replied the 
 witty but relentless barrister, -every one knows 
 the older the lamb grows the more sheepish he 
 becomes." 
 
 " I wish you would pay a little attention to 
 what I am saying, sir," roared a lawyer to an 
 exasperating witness. - 1 am paying as little 
 attention as I can," was the calm reply. 
 
 A pair of shirts is only one shirt and a judge 
 has so decided. Hesaid that if a pair of pants 
 was only one pant, a pair of shirts could be 
 only one shirt. 
 
 A suit warranted not to shrink— A chancery 
 suit. *^ 
 
• 140 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF OIQOLES. 
 
 SVVEETLOVE NOT HIS LOVE. 
 
 " What is your name ? " asked Justice Powers 
 when a pretty coloured girl was arraigned hefore 
 
 him on a charge of in toxication, at Jefferson Market 
 police court yesterday. 
 
 "Gertie Sweetlove," was the reply. 
 The magistrate looked severely at the pri- 
 soner for a moment, and then said : 
 
 " This is not the time nor place for levity I 
 am not your 'sweet^love.' Now tell me your 
 name without any nonsense." 
 ^'' Gertie Sweetlove," was the same answer. 
 " How dare you address a magistrate like 
 that?" asked his honour, getting red in the face ; 
 "you will be 'at home' on the island for the 
 next six months." 
 
 Officer Leeson, who arrested her, then whis- 
 pered to his honour that the prisoner did not 
 mean to say he was her "sweet love," but that 
 her name was Gertie Sweetlove. 
 
 The justice was dumbfounded for a moment, 
 and then, as he reduced the sentence to ten days' 
 asked testily : ' 
 
 " Why didn't you say your name was Sweet- 
 love ? " 
 
 " I did— Sweetlove," replied the dusky culprit. 
 — New York Journal. 
 
 A writ of attachment — a love letter. 
 
KPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF QiaOLES. 141 
 
 pri- 
 
 HOW A LAWYER MET A WOMAN. 
 
 In driving out into the country on the Grand 
 River road a few days ago, a Detroit lawyer 
 encountered a horse and buggy driven by a 
 woman. As she was driving on the wrong side 
 of the road he made up his mind not to give up 
 his rights. As a consequence the two horses 
 finally came to a standstill with their noses rub- 
 bing each other. The lawyer stared at the 
 woman, and the woman stared back. Tlien he 
 pulled a newspaper from his pocket, and began 
 reading. In a minute she had her knitting out 
 and was industriously at work. Ten long 
 minutes in a broiling sun passed away, and the 
 lawyer looked up and asked : 
 
 " How long are you going to stay here ?" 
 
 '* How long are you ? " 
 
 "All day." 
 
 " And I'll stay here a whole week." 
 
 He read and she knit for another ten minutes, 
 and the lawyer called out : 
 
 " Dc you know that I'm a lawyer ? " 
 
 " I don't care for that," she replied ; " I'm the 
 wife of a justice of the peace." 
 
 ** Oh— ah— excuse me, madam ! Really, but 
 if I'd known you belonged to the purfesh, this 
 would not have happened. Take this side, 
 madam — f.akp fliA wVinlo roq,d '" 
 
 V I 
 
 
142 SPLINTERS ; OR, A ORIHT OP QIOOLES. 
 
 "Oh no, no, no ! I'm sorry I detained you 
 Here-drive on, and excuse me if I have been 
 
 guilty of unprofcHsioual condnct."~Detroit Free 
 J^re88. 
 
 A USEFUL LAWYER. 
 
 A certain pompous lawyer was telling his ex- 
 ploits at the bar to a crowd of lawyers, one of 
 whom was a very sarcastic man. 
 
 '' Why, sir," said i^ie pompous party, " I have 
 defended more criminals at this bar than all the 
 other lawyers combined." 
 
 "Of course you have," replied the sarcastic 
 par y, and you have done the country a great 
 deal of good by your efforts." 
 " I should say I had, sir." 
 "Certainly you have, for overy one ,)f your 
 clients have gone to the penitentiarv on long 
 sentences and the country is rid of \hera "- 
 Merchant Traveller. 
 
 STEALING NO ROBBERY. 
 
 An English country squire, having been made 
 a justice of the peace, applied to a lawyer for 
 advice concernin,, the performance of his new 
 magisterial duties. The learned counsellor told 
 his friend to purcha.^e Burn's " Justice of the 
 
SPUNTKKS ; on, A OIirST OP OIOOLES. 143 
 
 Peace," in which work the whole law to be admin- 
 istered by a country justice would bu found. The 
 squire took the hint, and armed himself with 
 the ponderous volumes. The first case brouj^ht 
 before him was for larceny of six pounds'' of 
 butter. Tho magistrate at once turned to his 
 book and looked for " butter." No such word 
 was to be found in the index, and a diligent 
 search through the nages of the volumes failed 
 to discover any trace of butter. Thereupon his 
 worship said : " I find no such crime in I3urn. 
 
 The prisoner is (i[ac\mvge.\:'~-London Law Jotir- 
 nnl. , 
 
 A SMART BOY'S IDEA. 
 
 He was small for a witness, but he knew a 
 good deal more than there were indications of. 
 
 " Take the stand," said the lawyer. 
 
 ♦• liight you are," he replied, stepping up and 
 sitting down carelessly. 
 
 " Do you understand the nature of un oath? " 
 
 "Well, I should smile," and lie threw a bare- 
 footed leg over the arm of the chair. 
 
 " Were you ever on the witness stand before ? " 
 
 " Not any." 
 
 "Then how do you know the nature of an 
 oath?" 
 
 "Easy. I've been around lots o'times when 
 pap was choppin' kindlin' wood, an' seen the 
 sticks fly up an' hit him a swipe across the 
 
144 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 snoot. Guess you never split much kindlin' fir 
 yer wife, did yer ? ''—Merchant Traveller. 
 
 HEAVILY MORTGAGED. 
 
 Two money lenders were in love with the 
 same woman, and each thought he was the 
 favoured one. The other night Jones went to 
 see her and found Johnson with his arm around 
 her and both seemed quite happy. 
 
 " Hello," said Jones, in surprise, " I thought I 
 had a mortgage on that property." 
 
 " You did have," 'i-eplied Johnson, " but it was 
 only a second mortgage. I held tha first and 
 have foreclosed it. If you want to go to law 
 about It you can do so. I'll go as far as the pro- 
 bate court with you and get a license." 
 
 Johnson had his case noWiedi.—Merchant Tra- 
 veller. 
 
 LEGAL LORE. 
 
 Kosciusko Murphy recently passed his examina- 
 tion, and IS now a member of the Austin bar. 
 His strong card is in getting the truth out of 
 witnesses. The following is a sample of his 
 system of cross-examination ; 
 
 " Are you a married man ? " 
 , "No, sir, I am a bachelor." 
 
 " Will you please tell this court and jury how 
 long you have been a bachelor, and what were the 
 circumstances that induced you to become one?" 
 
w 
 
 ss. 
 
 idlin' fir 
 r. 
 
 ifch the 
 vas the 
 went to 
 around 
 
 ought I 
 
 t it was 
 
 :8t and 
 to law 
 be pro- 
 
 it Tra- 
 
 imma- 
 1 bar. 
 out of 
 )f his 
 
 7 how 
 re the 
 one ?" 
 
 splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 145 
 
 THE VALUE OF AN OATH. 
 
 Judge (to witness).-" Do you know the nature 
 ot an oath ? " 
 
 you are to 
 
 Witness.—" Sah ? " 
 
 Judge.—" Do you understand what 
 swear to ? " 
 
 Wrtneae.-" Yes, sah. Vm to swar to tell de 
 truf. ' 
 
 Witness.-" I 'spects our side 'ill win d 
 sah." — Albany Express. 
 
 e case 
 
 THE MAKL\G OF A LAWYEE. 
 
 " How's yer boy gettin' eriong, Jasper ? " 
 asked a negro, meeting an acquaintance. " Ken 
 talk right smart now, kain't he ? " " Talk right 
 smart ! Why, you oughter heah dat chile open 
 nsmouf Talk! Why, I tell you wut he ken 
 (to. He ken talk through one of dese heah telly- 
 tones. "Go M'ay, now." "Oh, it's er fac." 
 Xer doan tell me so ?" " Cose I does." " Talk 
 through a tellyfone, eh ? " " Jes' like I tells yer. 
 ^t dat boy doan grow up ter be a lawyer I'll 
 jes' ax somebody to tell me der reason why • 
 dat's what ril do."-Arkansaw Traveller. 
 
 g 
 
146 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 THE LEGITIMATE. 
 
 Sam Birdwhistle, of San Antonio, Texas, was 
 recently examined for admission to the bar. ife 
 displayed considerable knowledge of Blackstone, 
 Chitty, Greenleaf, and other legal authorities, 
 and passed his examination without much 
 trouble. Next day Sam met Judge Devine, one 
 of the lawyers who had examined him, to whom 
 he said : — 
 
 " I did pretty well, didn't I, Judge ? " 
 "Yes, myyoung^ friend, you have acquired a 
 vast amount of legal knowledge from the books, 
 but don't let that prevent you from giving up 
 the law and going into some legitimate business 
 by which you can make an honest living." 
 
 The young man has not made up his mind yet 
 as to whether he will become a journalist or go 
 into politics. — Texas Siftivgs. 
 
 Mick.—" Hallo, Pat, where have yiz been this 
 three or four weeks ?" Pat.—" Bedad, in gaol." 
 Mick.—" What were yiz in for ? " Pat.—" For 
 tellin' the truth. His honour axed me if I wur 
 guilty, and when I said I wur, that's the reward 
 the spalpeen gave me." 
 
 A Nevada court held that a man who had 
 five dollars in hia pocket and his board paid for 
 a week ahead is "a capitalist" within the 
 meaning of the law. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 147 
 
 HE TOLD HIS STORY. 
 A girl had sued a young man for breach of 
 promise, and the defendant was on the witness 
 Btand undergoing the usual torture incidental 
 to such occasions. 
 
 Jr^Z'^y^''^' ^^'- ^^^^P^i"«." said the law- 
 yer that you asked the plaintiff, Miss Timidoe 
 to be your wife. Is it true ?" 
 
 ; I" f oui-^e it is," replied the witness, boldly, 
 ^^^I^a^t up hereto lie about a little thing like 
 
 "Did you intend to marry her when you gained 
 her tender young affections, and won 'her'whole 
 heait, undivided, simple, and sincere ?" 
 Bet your life." 
 
 J Then why did you discard her so cruelly ? 
 .Why crush the gentle, budding flower of her 
 
 JoT had ^'' f "" *^ "^^^ '^'' ^^^ P--- 
 you iiad given her ? " 
 
 " She done it herself. I ain't guilty " 
 
 " Answer my question, sir. This is no place 
 
 LT'^r- ^^^^^ di^^ you desert'tt 
 mnocent girl, this loving trusting creature ? " 
 lou want to know, do yer ? " 
 ** Of course." 
 
 '' An' Marier wants me to tell right out here 
 before everybody, does she ? " 
 
 " That's none of your affair, sir. I am her 
 attorney, and what I want, she wants, sir," 
 
 I 
 
 8 
 ii... L 
 
148 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 All nght, old boss, here goes. You see as 
 how one night me and Marier was doin' the pre- 
 liminanes kind o'like, an' I had my arm 'round 
 her about lour feet and two laps, and I was en- 
 joyin myself amazin'. I kept ,t up till my arm 
 got purty durn tired, and then I sorto' slacked, 
 and Maner said, ' What's the matter, Septimus?' 
 Tired, says I. ' The hired man's in the kitchen 
 
 him m to help you.' ' What fcr?' says I. 'Cause 
 you am t equal to the occasion,' says she. Well 
 Mr. Lawyer I didn't want ter be unaccommo- 
 datm you know, sol went accordin' to direc- 
 tions, but the hired man was busy and wouldn't 
 come, and I went back to Marier. • Marier ' 
 says I, 'I'm powerful sorry, but the hired mail 
 says he s got all he can do in the kitchen, and 
 wont come.' ' Well, Septimus, I reckon it can't 
 be helped, says she to me, with a sigh, ' so iust 
 commence where you leftoff, an' do the best you 
 can till Philander has a little spare time.' That's 
 nil there was to if, Mr. Lawyer, and now I'll leave 
 It to the jedge and jury, gentlemen, , ef I aint 
 justifiable m not wantin' to hitch up with no sich 
 tender, gentle flower as Marier is." 
 
 The case was dismissed at plaintiff's cost - 
 Merchant Traveller. 
 
 A Texas man has been born without a brain, 
 ihe jury box yawns for him.- Waterloo Observer. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 149 
 
 When Joseph Miller's name was called in 
 Justice White's court yesterday, a tall, grizzly 
 nian presented himself. 
 
 " You were hrought in drunk. What have you 
 to say for yourself? " asked the justice. 
 
 " I admitit, sir " 
 
 " Will you keep sober if I let you go ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir ; but I must have one more drink. I 
 should like to go as soon as possible; I need it 
 at once." 
 
 " Hem. You're not sober yet— continued until 
 to-morrow." 
 
 "Your honour, I have one request. My 
 apartment is very uncomfortable. May I have 
 a pillow?" 
 
 He was given a pillow, and, stretching himself 
 out ni his cell, fell peacefully asleep. 
 
 Judge.—*' How old are you, madam ?" 
 Witness.—" I have no personal knowledge of 
 my age, and hearsay testimony, I understand, is 
 not accepted in this comV—Boston Beacon. ' 
 
 The theory that lawyers are irreligious or 
 sceptical men is dispelled, as far as Philadelphia 
 is concerned, by the Times of that city, which, 
 after careful enquiry, has found that of 1,500 
 lawyers living there about nine-tenths are mem- 
 bers of christian churches or congregations. 
 
150 
 
 8PLINTEBS ; OB, A GHIST OF GIGaLES. 
 
 A CHAEGE IN THE COUNTY COUET. 
 
 Chentlemen of tachury:-Thi8 is an action, you 
 «ee, broucht by ta plaintiff against ta county c^un- 
 cU of iork, to recofer damages for inchury done ta 
 h.m by reason of ta bad smell in ta court house. 
 Ta factshave, you seed.entlmon, been laid before 
 you, and It IS now for you to say whether or no 
 a case has been made out. It is not my chuty 
 to decide ta matter for you, but simply to point 
 out the law of ta ca,e, and leave ta decision in 
 your hands. Eifid.nce has been broucht to 
 show tha ta defendants orn a certain court 
 house and it has been further proved that this 
 court house is identical with the place in which 
 we now find ourselves. 
 
 The defendants' counsel you see has made no 
 attempt to deny onnership, though chentlemen, 
 If he had not such a bad cold in the head-if 
 his nose was of any use whatever, you see, he 
 would haveendeafoured to bring efiidence todenv 
 ta onnership, for it is no credit to anybody to 
 onn such a court house as this. Howefer, 
 chentlemen, of course you must be guided only 
 by the efiidence actually given, you see. Then 
 again, another witness swore that ta plaintiff 
 entered ta court house in question in good 
 health and having the full use of his senses. 
 rou may have your doubts on this point as to 
 whether ta plaintiff did have his full senses or 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 151 
 
 if SO, you may reasonably doubt, you see, whether 
 his senses were worth anything. The law on this 
 point is, chentleraen, that ta fact of a man 
 deliberately entering ta court house in question 
 of bis own free will— that is, not being obliged 
 by his duty to enter it, is prima facie effidence, 
 you see, of a want of sense. Of course, chentle- 
 men, you will give ta defendants ta benefit of 
 any such doubt if you have it. Then we have 
 it in effluence that ta plaintiff remained in ta 
 court house for half an hour, and it is proven 
 that during all that time he sat with his mouth 
 open and his nose uncofered. This is not denied, 
 although you see ta defendants have brought 
 medical men to swear that ta plaintiff micht 
 have kept his mouth shut, and was not forcibly 
 restrained from keeping his hand ofer his nose. 
 Against this we haf, you see, chentlemen, ta 
 effidence of an officer of ta court house, who 
 swears that during this half-hour Mr. Macgregor 
 was addressing the jury. Ta law holds thaUt 
 is not possible for a man to keep his mouth shut 
 under such circumstances. Ta remainder of ta 
 witnesses were broucht up on ta question whether 
 ta atmosphere of ta court house actually had 
 anything ta do with ta subsequent sickness of . 
 ta plaintiff. I must leaf you to draw your own 
 conclusions, you see. but if you think from ta 
 €ffidence produced that a combined smell of 
 boiled cabbage, filthy rags, bad whiskey, un- 
 
152 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 washed human beings, vile tobacco smoke, and 
 sefenteen different kinds of dirt, would be likely 
 to make a bad atmosphere in a court house, 
 you will bring a verdict for ta plaintiff; but if 
 on ta contrary, chentlemen, if you think, as ta 
 county council of Vork thinks, that these com- 
 bined abominations are a credit to the court 
 house, and have ta effect of improving the 
 people s health, you will find for ta defendants. 
 (If 1 was on a chury I kndw what I would do) — 
 Gnp. " 
 
 At Greenwich, England, for cruelly killing a 
 kitten, a ruffian was sentenced to three months 
 at hard labour. At York, on the same day 
 another man was sent up for three months for 
 manslaughter who had previously served a seven 
 years term for stealing a shirt. 
 
 Did It ever occur to you why a lawyer who is 
 conaucting a disputed will case is like a trapeze 
 performer m a circus ? Didn't! Well, it is be- 
 cause he flies through the heir with the 
 greatest of fees. -Unidentified Exchange. 
 
 A New York lawyer tried jumping from a 
 railroad train running at the rate of fifty miles 
 an hour Strange to say he did not move for a 
 new trial. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 163 
 
 A LAWYER'S WOOING. 
 
 My head is like ." title deed, 
 
 Or abstract ot the same ; 
 Wherein my Bessie, thou may'st read, 
 
 Thine own long cherished name. 
 
 Against thee I my suit have brought, 
 
 I am thy plaintiff lover ; 
 And for the heart that thou hast caught, 
 
 An action lies in trover. 
 
 Alas, upon me every day, 
 The heaviest costs you levy ; 
 
 Oh give me back my heart— but nay, 
 I feel I can't replevy. 
 
 I'll love thee veith my latest breath, 
 
 Alas ! I cannot you shun : 
 Till the hard hand of Sheriff Death, 
 
 Takes me in execution. 
 
 Say, Bessie dearest, if you will 
 
 Accept me as a lover ; 
 Must true affection file a bill, 
 
 The secret to discover ? 
 
 Is it my income's small amount, 
 
 That leads to hesitation ? 
 Eefer the question of account. 
 
 To Cupid's arbitration.— Gr?jp. 
 
 A famous judge came late to court. 
 
 One day in busy season ; 
 Whereat his clerk in great surprise. 
 Inquired of him, the reason ; 
 " A child was born," his honour said, 
 
 " And I'm the happy sire ; " 
 " An infant judge ? " " Oh, no," said he, 
 •' As yet he's but a crier." 
 
 I 
 i 
 
 I 
 
154 splinters; or, a grist op oiaoLEs. 
 
 A FILE WANTED. 
 
 He had a wizz-wazzy, go-as-you-please gait 
 a8 he approached a citizen standing in the door 
 of a drug store, and he took off his hat and made 
 an old fashioned - kerchy " hefore asking- 
 ^ay, he you ;i lawyer ?" 
 
 " Well, I know something of law." 
 
 '' Say then you can help me out. I was out 
 last night. Indeed, I am out yet." 
 
 " Been on a spree ?" 
 
 T J/f i'"'** /"^n* '^^''^"° ^^ *^ 80 home. When 
 I gi there she'll say I've been off'n a tear, and 
 she n jaw and file a dozen affidavits." 
 " Who ? Your wife ?" 
 
 T r ^,! f ''"''^* ^^^' ^ ^^"t to file something. 
 ; ," * ^'"^w ^^^at you call it, but a lawyer ought 
 
 Whr'^'i/'^P''" ^ '"^^ ^«" ^^« ^ thief? 
 What would you do ?" 
 
 " Punch your head." 
 
 ;; No ! no ! What would you do in law ?" 
 -Pile a general denial." 
 
 " K'rect, again ! That's exactly what I want, 
 bhel roar and take on, and I'll file a general 
 denial and plead privilege on facts. That's what 
 1 was after-that's what'll humble her in no 
 time, bay— have sunthin' ?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 "All right-Just the same. Let's see. Gene- 
 ral denial, and the burden of proof is on hergury 
 
splinters; oh, a guist of giggles. 156 
 
 trial— verdict of not guilty, and I come out 
 whiter'n a spring lamb. Awl right— much 
 obleeged — hie — s— long." 
 
 When Presi( 
 
 t Cleveland was asked to ap- 
 point Judge Tree to a foreign mission he replied : 
 " I'd just as leaf as not." 
 This gracious answer to the application was 
 received \7ith a profound bow. 
 
 " In making this appointment, however," con- 
 tinued the Chief Magistrate, " it is not to be 
 considered by any branches of the Judge's 
 family that they have only to apply for a posi- 
 tion to be appointed." 
 
 " Certainly knot," was the response. 
 " Then, I guess, you can tell Judge Tree to 
 pack his trunk," said the President. "You 
 expected me, of course, to appoint him," he added. 
 " We knew you wood," was the reply. 
 " Well." said the President, " I was aware 
 that Judge Tree did not pine for the office; 
 nevertheless, in such a position 1 am anxious to 
 see, as our English friends would say, a good 
 man at the 'elm, and while I'm maple " 
 
 "Chestnuts!" exclaimed the delegation in a 
 breath. 
 
 Then the President retired to his desk with a 
 pleasant smile on his face and the delegation 
 departed, well pleased with the success of their 
 mission. -^^os^on Saturday Evening Gazette, 
 
 J* 
 
166 
 
 SPLINTEI.B; or, a GRIST OF OIOGLES. 
 
 ^ ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. 
 
 The following interesting conversation occurred 
 between a Maysville attorney and a witness in a 
 case, in which a certain tree played a prominent 
 
 ^.^''P'^'^'-^i^^ you see this tree near the road- 
 
 Witness.-Yes. sir ; I saw it very plainly. 
 i.awyer.--It was very conspicuous, then '> 
 
 fr2 r^?"' ^ '""'^ '''y *»^''^^- I ^'-^w the 
 
 tree very plainly, though. 
 
 Lawyer.-Weli, now, I would like to know why 
 It It was plain, it wasn't conspicuous. What is 
 the difference between plain and conspicuous ? 
 Axiswer that, will you ? 
 
 " Well," rephed the witness, "it is this -—I 
 come into this court-room and glance over'the 
 bar. I see you plainly among the other lawyers 
 although you ain't a bit conspicuous. "-Fa«c.- 
 burgh Courier. 
 
 I 
 
 It is stated that recently, when a purse of 
 
 <.onn 7! "'''^' "^ ^^' ^^^^ '^«"^«' l^e took out 
 
 1200 and handed back the balance. This cer- 
 
 tamly gives some colour of truth to the report 
 
 recently circulated that Sam was a reformed 
 
 lawyer.— Macow (Ga,) Telegraph. 
 
splinters; or, a <iri8t of giggles. 167 
 THE WITNESS WAS EXCUSED. 
 
 Thore was an exciting; horse-stealing case tried 
 lip at ]k)clle last week, and the opposing couasel 
 bullyragged the witnesses in a manner calcu- 
 lated to convulse ov.-n a Frisco lawyer with >3nvy. 
 Finally the no iie of ,i well-to-do old granger was 
 called, and lie si- pped upon the stand carrying 
 a double-barrelk<i shr gun in his hand. "What 
 are you going to .*o with that weapon ?" asked 
 the judge. " Wall, I'll tell you, squire," said 
 the old man, cheerily; "I hearn some talk 
 around here this morning that the lyers calki- 
 lated ter ax me some questions about a little 
 hoss misunderstandin' I had myself when I was 
 a young man back in ther States, and about my 
 having an extry wife down in Texas somewliar. 
 Now, I'm wiUin' to tell all I know about this here 
 perticular case, but I ain't going ter take any 
 begosh nonsense from anybody. I'm a law- 
 abidin' man, jedge, but I rile pow.rful easy. 
 Now, then, go ahe id with ther procession," and 
 placing his cocked gun across his lap the witness 
 turned to the attorneys with a bland smile. 
 There was a solemn pause for a few minutes, and 
 then the witness was excused, and he stepped 
 down amid terrific applause.-5ar* Franciscan. 
 
 A New York lawyer says lie would have no 
 trouble in getting 1,000 men in that city to 
 swear falsely in a case. 
 
 
 r 
 
 t 
 
 f 
 
 I 
 
 III 
 
 I 
 
 i i 
 
♦ 
 
 158 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST 
 
 OF GIGGLES. 
 
 A SUGGESTION TO THE GIRLS. 
 
 "A dog bit my little girl, and she is getting 
 hydrophobia ; I want a permit to kill the dog '' 
 said an excited woman to Justice O'Reilly at 
 Essex market, says the New York IVorld. 
 
 "Did you have the wound cauterized ?'' asked 
 the justice. 
 
 "He didn't bite her nowhere. He only tore 
 ott a piece of her stocking." 
 
 "Then there's no danger," remarked the 
 court. 
 
 " But my Matilda acts so funny since," con- 
 tinued the mother. '' She can't bear the sight of 
 water, and she wants nothing but soda water 
 root beer, and ice cream and cake." 
 
 "My good woman," said Justice O'Reilly 
 ' more than half the children all over the world 
 are suffering from that kind of hydrophobia. 
 What you need is a good leather strap." 
 
 "I have one, judge. Oh, Matilda ! Matilda f 
 wai tilll get home," said the woman, and she 
 made a bc^-line out of court. 
 
 "I shall give you ten days or ten dollars," 
 said Judge Walsh to a trembhng wretch. "All 
 ught judge," answered the trembling wretch, 
 1 il take the ten dolleLra."~The Judge. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 159 
 
 DEATH KID OF ITS TEEROR. 
 
 " Well," said a lawyer as he entered his con- 
 demned client's cell, " good news at last." 
 
 "A reprieve ?" exclaimed the prisoner, eagerly. 
 
 " No, not a reprieve, but your uncle has died 
 and left you $2,000, and now you can meet your 
 fate with the satisfying feeling that the noble 
 efforts of your lawyer in your behalf will not go 
 unrewarded." 
 
 A good story is told of a prominent Chicago 
 lawyer who has figured conspicuously in all kinds 
 of reform movements and prides himself greatly 
 on his integrity and his abhorrence of dishonesty 
 in any form. His firm having of late become 
 identified with a great many assignments on 
 behalf of the debtors, he was asked a few days 
 ago by a fellow-lawyer if he believed all these 
 assignments to be straight, to which he replied : 
 '* I have no doubt that there is a good deal of 
 crookedness in some of these failures, but my 
 reputation is so high that men who have not a 
 clear conscience don't come to me, but go to my 
 partner !" 
 
 Why can't we call a judge a paragrapher ? He 
 makes loug and short sentences, and every one 
 finds fault with them and thinks they could have 
 done better. — Lowell Sun. 
 
 Tf, 
 
 >■', ' 
 
 i I 
 
160 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 AN UPEIGHT JUDGE. 
 "I'll allow no man to call me a liar and go 
 unpunished," said a Texas judge to a lawyer who 
 had just committed that offence. "You are 
 fined $10, sir." 
 
 " It's the truth, though," replied the lawyer 
 as he paid the money. 
 
 " I don't care if it is the truth," retorted the 
 judge ;^ - a court of law is no place to tell the 
 truth."— Dra/t-e's Magazine. 
 
 A Washington judge has decided that a boy 
 who climbs a telegraph pole to watch a game or 
 performance within an enclosure does not 
 commit a trespass, and is not guilty of disorderly 
 conduct. This is calculated to render the judge 
 more popular with the boys than with the persons 
 wno have to mend their trousers. 
 
 " Pa," said Johnny Caution, " do lawyers wear 
 armour?" " No, of course not. What put that 
 idea into your head ?" - Why, I see in the 
 papers every day that lawyers file their suits 
 
 and I " The reader will appreciate the' 
 
 delicacy which impels us to change the conver- 
 sation and not go out into the woodshed with the 
 rest of the party. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 161 
 
 . HE WAS WANTED AT HOME. 
 
 THE GOVERNMENT NOT NEEDING RECRUITS TO 
 CLEAN OUT INDIANS. 
 
 He called himself Colorado Jack, and he 
 looked as if he might be a bad man to handle. 
 He was up for drunkenness. 
 
 "Do you plead guilty or not guilty?" asked 
 the recorder of the Dallas Police Court. 
 
 " You don't try a man for murder before the 
 inquests are held, do you ? Don't you take me 
 around first to the undertaker's shop to identify 
 the remains ? That is what I have been accus- 
 tomed to in Colorado. I am always asked to 
 identify my corpses." 
 
 " What remains ? What inquest ?" asked the 
 recorder. 
 
 " The corpses pf the policemen who tried to 
 arrest me," said the desperado. 
 
 " You are labouring under some hallucination, 
 my friend," remarked the recorder. "You 
 didn't kill any policeman last night." 
 
 " Then he isn't dead yet. Take me to the 
 hospital where his life is ebbing away. In Colo- 
 rado they always take me to the bedside of the 
 dying policeman who has tried to arrest me, so 
 he can identify me as the cyclone that devastated 
 him. Have you taken the a?ite mortem of the 
 policeman I partially destroyed last night ?" 
 
 
 \ Ml 
 
 1 i ■ ■ ' 
 
 1 1 \ 
 
 
162 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 " I don't know what you are talking about," 
 said the recorder ; " you were arrested and 
 brought to the lock-up by a little sick tailor who 
 couldn't sleep on account of the racket vou 
 made." "^ 
 
 " So I was arrested by a civilian, was I ^ o 
 well, that's all right. At first I was afraid I had 
 disgraced myself. I was afraid I had allowed a 
 squad of policemen to take me. Any citizen can 
 arrest me with impunity. Civilians are beneath 
 my resentment. A civilian can kick me and I'll 
 not lay my hand on 'tiim. You can't make me 
 destroy one. When I want a fight I want some 
 two or three policemen to tackle me as an in- 
 ducement. It takes five able-bodied policemen 
 to make it interesting enough for me to let myself 
 out. I never fish for sardines. In Colorado 
 they usually bring out a battery on me and a 
 company of infantr j , and then the carnage begins 
 but here m Texas, as long as you keep your 
 police force out of my way when I am drunk 
 they are safe. If a squad of policemen had tried 
 to arrest me last night they would now be nest- • 
 Img in some silent tomb, but when a civilian 
 and particularly a tailor, comes pf me I weaken' 
 right off. Let me off this time, judg. I want to 
 leave town right away. I wan. to ofppr my ser- 
 vices to the United States Government to clean 
 up those Apaches in New Mexico. I am the kind 
 of a man they need." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 163 
 
 "No," replied the recorder, ** Uncle Sam has 
 'got lots of just such officers as you after those 
 Indians. You will stay here in Dallas, and help 
 clean up the streets." 
 
 " Judge, please let me help the Government to 
 kill off Geronimo and his band first." 
 
 His Honour refused to relent, and now the 
 would-bj Apache destroyer is chopping down 
 weeds with a hoe in the F.ieets of DhUslb.— Texas 
 Siftings. 
 
 The other evening Judge Eeily and Dr. 
 Nelson were telling some of their stories when a 
 flock of blackbirds flew overhead. " I killed 
 seventy-five of those birds at one shot down on 
 the east shore," said Judge Eeily. •' Sho! that's 
 nothing," said the doctor, ''I killed 122 one 
 time." "Look here, doctor," said the judge, 
 " after this you can tell yours first."— T/^e 
 Hatchet. 
 
 Said a Bloomington police judge to a darkey 
 witness yesterday, " do you know the nature of 
 an oath ?" " You mean cuss word, sah ?" " No," 
 said the justice; "do you undei stand what you 
 are to swear to here in court ?" 
 
 " Yes, sah, our lawyer told me what to swear 
 to, sah." — Bloomington Eye. 
 
 Courtship to be avoided, " county courtship." 
 
 <^^\ 
 
164 
 
 SmNTERS; OR, A GRIST OF C»r^,:x^ 
 
 W5S. 
 
 EXTiSNUATING CIKCUMSTANCES 
 
 Magistrate. — " Thpro nnr. i. 
 /•rrnm for. • *^*' ^^ extenuating 
 
 OL ,.am^tan^':.>8 m a case of this kind " 
 
 i'nooner. — " Yph ^i^t, ;^ tt 
 
 o...a. ..„. ^; s r; jr -.ea^ri 
 
 d-^dn-t hu her ha'f sa ha'd as I o„d, sah" 
 
 ll 
 
 ^1 
 
 A 
 
 JUSTIFIABLE ASSAULT 
 
 Prisoner.— " Yes, your honour Th^ f . 
 thesp • Wa h^^ / "onour, ihe facts are 
 
 Mag.8trate.-'.DoI understand that the plain 
 I'rieoner.-"Ye8, your honour." 
 
 '■Y!u'""'dL*r"'r"""""^"'" '- "-')- 
 
 iou..jr discharged, sir \m • i-z. , . 
 
 knockir^ .im down." ' '•'"'"''^'^ '" 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 165 
 
 TIED IT TO THE BEDPOST. 
 
 *• Oh, dear ! oh, dear !" said Julia Hayes with 
 a sigh, as she gazed at her nineteen-year-old 
 daughter Annie, a pretty slender girl, at the 
 tombs yesterday. " That girl will drive me into 
 the madhouse. Her head is gone on the cops." 
 
 "Cops, cops," queried the justice innocently; 
 " what's that ?" 
 
 " Police, sir; or peelers, as my daughter calls 
 them. When she finishes her supper she says, 
 * I'm going out to see if my mash is on post.' 
 Oh, dear ! she is a dreadful girl." 
 
 •* You haven't told me anything yet which I 
 consider improper in your daughter's conduct," 
 remarked Justice O'Eeilly. 
 
 '* What !" exclaimed Mrs. Hayes, ** you call 
 that nothing ? Do you notice the small waist 
 she has ? I'll tell you how she gets it. She ties 
 the end of her corset strings to the bedpost or 
 the knob of the door, and draws herself away 
 until she can scarcely breathe. If I remonstrate 
 with her she gives me all kinds of talk." 
 
 *' Mother, don't you do that yourself ?" plead- 
 ingly asked the girl, as she lifted her eyes to her 
 mother's face. 
 
 ** Do what myself?" inquired Mrs. Hayes, as 
 she turned angrily to her questioner. 
 
 " Make yourself a small waist by pulling your- 
 self away from the bedpost, where you have your 
 
 ! 
 
 
 i ' 
 
 I 
 
corset strim^s fciefi • on^ • j 
 has father puUaf'ejf'J'"'^^' """'^""^^ ^""^ 
 her. How wouMTt -i'f "'"'"" ^'^'"S^ f"'' 
 you ?• °"''* ^ """'^^ 'f I di<J"'t learn it from 
 
 "Annie! Oil, yon " c . ., 
 
 stopped. Slie could L n^ fu-H '^ '^"^'^ 
 
 was she, and presentlf , , ""' '° ^°™g^'l 
 
 "Answer y'ouTdlt "'' '""' *^''"- 
 "landed the jwL ^ ' ''""'"'"'•" ™°'- 
 
 ^ -t'diL:-: :^\f:;!'7 -''•-•'■"■-" a iie.' 
 
 eM:;t::;;ot.'e1ori^!t"'"t ^or an 
 testify in my behalf." ' ^ ™"' y°" '» 
 
 BtainSCfoT '?.7» -^^■" -id his wife. 
 The old Z , , , ^"''y- 8^0 home." 
 ,!t "*" '""''^'l bewildered. 
 
 -aXatinSe'r"'''^^''^"*^^'^^'^. 
 
 ".•nSrs'e'rshi; T^" "> "'^ "^-'y^'-n'. 
 
 " A nomina f e rf Lt,"^^ T'l ' °°'"'"'" f^^-" 
 Phe-nominal !" ' °''"'"''' '"'^ ''^'5^' " 'hat's 
 
 "Papa," said a sweet little girl to hor f .i, 
 a grim old lawyer, •■ could vl > ''""*''' 
 
 JokeonpuddinJ?" -qw-.f " """''" * P"° » a 
 old lawyer "'' ^™^ "^' «*'<' 'he grim 
 
she 
 for 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 167 
 
 UNCLE JOSH WAS VERY WEAK THAT 
 
 MORNING. 
 
 An old coloured woman had been arrested, and 
 was on her way to the station with a policeman. 
 Uncle Josh, with his bag of rags slung across his 
 shoulder, and his eyes on the gutter, happened 
 to be passing. 
 
 "Uncle Josh, hello Uncle Josh! want ye to 
 come an' bail me out !" 
 
 ** Bail nuthin', Aunt Sary ! I can't bail 
 nobody out ! Couldn't bail out a skift dis 
 mawnin' !" — Louisville Courier Journal. 
 
 REAL AND PERSONAL. 
 
 A thorough purist in language, Lord Wel- 
 lesley, once objected to the words " personal 
 narrative." While entertaining Lord Plunkett, 
 the then recently appointed chief justice of the 
 common pleas, at the vice-regal lodge, he said to 
 him, " One of i aides-de-camp has written a 
 personal narrative of his travels; pray, chief 
 justice, what is your definition of 'personal " 
 " My lord," was the neat reply, ** We lawyers 
 always consider personal as opposed to real!" 
 
 A crusty old lawyer, who died recently, left a 
 will dividing all his property equally among the 
 sc iving women who had refused him. 
 " Because," said he, ** to them I owe all my 
 earthly happiness." 
 
 li 
 
 I: . 
 
 '' 
 
IfjO *iL ^TER3; OR, A GRI8T 
 
 OF GIGGLES. 
 
 OSGOODE HALL. 
 
 This really fine building will be found on 
 Queen street west, Toronto. It is so large and 
 fane that no one will have any difficulty in " fine" 
 ding it. 
 
 It is surrounded by a highly ornamrntal iron 
 fence, emblematical, it is said, of the defence of 
 offence that goes on almost daily, Sundays 
 excepted, within the building, inside of which are 
 four courts where .i usticeand Truthrei^ , supreme 
 —the latter especially, as laxN vers are as thick 
 as the leaves that do something or other in Val- 
 lambrosa. Of course these courts are inside • 
 no one likes to be " caught ont." Judges sit here 
 almost continu )lly, and as their offices are per- 
 manent, the posit an may be termed a perma- 
 neni '«sit.'' Th. o judges, as is custoraarv in 
 this country, do not dress in the regulation 
 costume -f an English judge and wear no wigs. 
 Ihey are, however, lid to be capable of giving 
 terrible " wiggings" '.anyone brought before 
 them. 
 
 Osgoode Ha= 1 It of grey st ,ne, tliough it 
 would seem tha 61a. -stone would have ueen a 
 more appropriate color ; but black .tone is hard 
 to find ; in fact, coal is about the nearest ap- 
 proach to it, but who ever saw an erection of 
 coal ? Coke would be better, especiallv for an 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF OIGQLES. i69 
 
 M! 
 
 edifice sacred to the business transa'-ted in 
 Osgoode Hall. 
 
 Not being an architect, the writer is unable to 
 say just exactly what style of architecture that 
 of Osgoode Hall is, but as there is an entrance 
 in front and another at the rear, it is probably 
 the " two-door kind — it may, however, be of 
 another style, as the lawyers and students " go- 
 thick " there. Yet another suggestion : it is 
 built of large rough stones ; may not this hint at 
 the Elizabethan architecture, as it is well-known 
 that her virgin majesty much affected the style 
 of the "large ruff." Abler writers than the 
 present chronicler must settle these questions. — 
 Grip. 
 
 In London lately, in an action for breach of 
 promise of marriage, the defendant pleaded that 
 " he was insane when the promise was made." 
 This could not be considered a justifiable plea, 
 for whenever a man proposes 1 is generally 
 supposed to be *' madly in love." 
 
 !!• 
 
 ! itiij 
 
 p J, ■ 
 
 H 
 
 ;■'.;' i 
 h 
 
 A Troy lawyer asked a woman on the witness 
 stand her age, and she promptly replied : "I 
 sold milk for you to drink when a baby, and I 
 havn't got my pay yet." — Detroit Free Press. 
 
 The fet male whose advice is oftenest asked is 
 
 th 
 
 
 
170 SPLINTERS ; OR, A ORIST OP OICiOLES. 
 
 PUltPOSEFUL PET NAMES. 
 
 A AUHITAL COMMUNICATION WITH A WELL DEFINED 
 
 MOTIVE. 
 
 A lady, whose forehead wan thatched like a 
 rustic cottage with a wealth of yellow hangs and 
 who moved in an atmosphere of patchouli, came 
 up to the judicial desk in the Jefferson market 
 police court. When she opened her mouth wide 
 
 enough to declare a dividend she suspended 
 
 operations, and rolled her eyes from the ma<^is. 
 
 terial presence along the line of ornamental 
 
 court clerks. 
 
 " What are you looking for, madam ?" inquired 
 ti;e dispenser of justice. 
 
 "A husband, sir." 
 ^ At this the court looked frightened, and the 
 instantaneous smile which decorated all the un- 
 married court clerks became frozen as soon as 
 they raised their heads. 
 
 " Where do you mean to find him ?" 
 "I want to learn where you mean to find him. 
 Ihat s your business, I guess. I'm here for that." 
 Madam," cried the magistrate, - do you take 
 tnis tor a matrimonial agency ?" 
 
 " Not I. I take it for just what it is. I come 
 hereto have you look up my husband for me. 
 He left me to go with a theatrical company. 
 He s back now, I guess, an^^ he ought to provide 
 for me. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A ORIHT OF OIOOLE8. 171 
 
 ** Certainly, madara ; when did ho leave you?" 
 
 " Three monthn ago. Ho wont otT to play a 
 walking gentleman's part with a hig salary and 
 lots of money to hring homo. That's what he 
 said. And I should say he has played it. I 
 have not seen him since." 
 
 " Not heard from him ?" 
 
 " Oh, I heard from him. I just did." 
 
 " Did his letters indicate any falling off of 
 affection?" 
 
 " No, indeed. He only wrote one, but it was 
 a warm one." 
 
 " You mean a loving one ?" 
 
 ** I should sav so. You never heard such 
 lovely names used to a woman in your life." 
 
 " Did he promise continued constancy ?" 
 
 " He promised everything, judge. The man 
 seemed dying to get home to me." 
 
 " He (iid, eh ? Well, that looks all right. 
 What was the purport of the letter?" 
 
 " Oh, he wanted me to pawn my duds so as to 
 raise $20 for him to pay his fare back." 
 
 il 
 
 An attorney call yd to see an eminent judge 
 and sent his card up; the ansv^er came, "The 
 judge cannot be seen, he is in his chambers with 
 sciatica." The visitor exclaimed, "Just my 
 luck, there's always some cussed Italian just in 
 ahead of me."— Grip, 
 
172 
 
 SPLINTEBS ;, OB, A OEIST OP aiOGLES. 
 
 HOW BOTTLEBUG GOT IN. 
 
 from'v "' "",' u™ •^"•'^^ ^'"'P- He came down 
 from his rural home in the interior of Maine a 
 
 few days ago, and called on an eminent Port- 
 
 Bo"tletr ''" '^ "" '^^'^""'^ "^ ^""^ 
 
 ** Hello, judge." 
 J How are you, Bottlebug ! Do you know I 
 iiaa a curious dream last night ?" 
 "No; what was it?" 
 
 me'iTp^/''!?,!'' ^ ^"^ "''"^'^'^ f"' Heaven. I 
 met St. Peter at the gate and he would not let 
 
 me in. He demanded my name and residence, 
 which I gave him. Then he looked through hi 
 book and said. ■ I don't find your name he^e and 
 you can't come in.' 
 
 "' There must be some mistake about it,' said 
 L q?T! ^^*\T^^^'« y«"r business?' respon- 
 ded St. Peter. 'I'm a lawyer,' said I. 'Oh,ohi' 
 exclaimed the guardian of the gate. ' No lawyers 
 are admitted here ! ' «'wyera 
 
 ua " 7Z T'^ ^' niistaken.' I protested, ' I just 
 saw Bottlebug, of Portland, go in.' " 
 
 "You had him there, didn't you, judge?" in- 
 terrupted Bottlebug with a chuckle. 
 
 ^ ''I thought I did, but I didn't," continued 
 t'udge Snap. 
 
 ^ " 'Bottlebug, Bottlebug ! ' exclaimed St. Peter, 
 Yes he went in, but he's no lawyer.' " 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 173 
 
 It was only necessary to add that there were 
 a dozen persons in the lawyer's office at the time 
 and they all smoked. — Leiviston Journal. 
 
 NOT LIKELY TO RETURN. 
 
 A tall, smoothly-shaven man walked into the 
 office of a well-known Broad street lawyer early 
 yesterday morning. He carried a small blue- 
 colored bag in his hand, and over his arm hung 
 a fashonably-cut top-coat. He was evidently 
 just from the country, although his clothes were 
 of a recent city make. No one was in the office 
 except the office-boy, whom he found sitting in 
 the cushioned chair of the lawyer with his feet 
 on the desk, industriously engaged in smoking a 
 cigarette. As the visitor appeared at the door of 
 the back office the office-boy glanced at him 
 through a cloud of blue and ill-smelling smoke, 
 and exclaimed between puffs : ' Come in, young 
 feller ; don't be afraid !" 
 
 The visitor's face expressed surprise, but he 
 said nothing. 
 
 ** I suppose." said the office-boy, with ready 
 nonchalance, '* that you've come in to see old 
 Brown ? Well," went on the youth glibly, '* he 
 ain't in. He's out in the country on a bender." 
 
 " On a what ?" asked the visitor. 
 
 " On a spree. You see he sent the old girl 
 
 I' • 
 
 1. 1 
 
 ! I 
 
 I :, >-^ 
 
 ■n 
 
 ■i 
 
 I,, k. 
 
174 
 
 SPL1NTEB9;, OR, A GUIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 '• The what?" inquired the visitor, as he 
 seated himself in a chair. 
 
 " That's right ; make yourself at home HavP 
 a e.gar. ■ he added, as he opened Mr. Brown's 
 desk and pulled out a box of Havanas. 
 
 runted" «r''' T^'"^, "'■ *■'' °''' «"■'■" i°ter. 
 lupW the Visitor as he declined the proffered 
 
 "0, yes," went on the lad. "He sent h;<, 
 wife away to her home in Vermont. Did you 
 coirs "/■:,' ^°' Well, she's a h'c^; 
 
 thumb H > T '"" '*"*'" "8'" """«'• h«- 
 humb. He had s.me friends come down to the 
 
 city as spr,ng to see him. They wanted him 
 
 uephant. Old Brown was afraid to go. He said 
 
 he d see about it.' Then he sent me over to ht 
 ouse with a note to Mrs. B. I took it up to tl, 
 
 M?b;.ov ,,;''"' "• '™.at!' She said; 
 Mr. Blown will have to be away to-night ! N„ 
 3n-^ lou tell him thai I shall expect him horn; 
 to dinner.' He went home to dinner, too WeTl 
 as I was saying, old Brown sent Mrs. B. off to 
 her home and then started out on a royal old 
 bender. He left me a stack of letters to Lil to 
 Mis. B. every day to make her think he was in 
 
 eniiSL/TbsltdThrS.^^^' ''-' ^- 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 176 
 
 " Well, I should smile. We're all onto him. 
 The book-keeper says if he had such a wife he'd 
 commit suicide. Why- would you be believe it ? 
 —he's afraid to breathe when Mrs. B.'s in town. 
 I'm the junior partner of this firm. Is there any 
 business I can do for you ? Want to sue any 
 body ? Hello ! here comes the book-keeper now." 
 
 At thii3 moment the boy tossed his cigarette into 
 the waste-basket and took his boots off the desk. 
 
 " How are you ?" inquired the book-keeper, as 
 he entered the back room. " I didn't expect you 
 home so soon. How did you enjoy the sea- 
 shore?" 
 
 " First-rate," replied the visitor. 
 
 " I declare, Mr. Brown," continued the book- 
 keeper, " I would hardly have known you since 
 you shaved off your whiskers. Well, Eichard," 
 he added to the office boy, " I guess you can go 
 now." 
 
 But he spoke too late. The boy had already 
 left. He didn't come back either. This is the 
 explanation given by Mr. Brown for a card which 
 appeared in the front window of his office yester- 
 day afternoon, which read as follows: 
 
 " A quiet, industrious, discreet office-boy 
 wanted. No idiots need apply."— A^at' York 
 Letter to Syracuse Standard. 
 
 t'il 
 
 iH' 
 
 ■ n 
 
 tfk^ 
 
 I '.4 
 
 I ^ 
 
 Common pleas—" I^lease Bhut the door 
 
176 splinters; ok, a grist op giggles. 
 
 AN AGED BEIDEGROOM. 
 
 A white-headed, white-bearded old man en- 
 ered the County Clerk's office yesterday with a 
 large brown jug under his arm. He was attended 
 by two fat and healthy-Iooking elderly women, 
 all jovial and smiling. The women stood b.ck 
 and laughed and chatted while the ancient visitor 
 crowded up to the marriage-license window. His 
 business was made known in broken English 
 mixed with Germany and when the clerk had 
 made out and returned the paper which the old 
 man required, he drew from his pocket a feather 
 wallet tied with a shoe-string, from which he 
 paid the fees for a marriage license. The persons 
 named in the paper were Franz Bauman, aged 
 80, and Josephine Ashbrenner, aged 64, both 
 present After examining his license to his satis- 
 faction the old man called for a glass, which was 
 produced. From his brown jug he filled it with 
 a passably-good quality of red wine, which was 
 offered to a clerk, who drank it. He then 
 treated all the other clerks and took a glass him- 
 self, after which he and Josephine and their best 
 friend went their way rejoicing. 
 
 A new definition-- A jury is a body of men 
 organized to find out which side has the smartest 
 lawyer."— Gn». 
 
SPLINT KRS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 177 
 
 HEARD AT LAST. 
 
 A DEAF man's HEARING APPARENTLY RESTORED IN 
 A POLICE COURT. 
 
 " This ma,n was suddenly stricken with deaf- 
 ness," said officer Marks to Justice Meech yester- 
 day morning, pointing to Edward Johnson, who 
 was making great pretense of trying to hear 
 what was going on by forming an ear-trumpet 
 with his hands. The carpenter-shop of H. 
 Hughes on Twenty- ninth street had been bur- 
 glarized, and Johnson had been arrested with 
 the stolen tools wrapped in an old coat. 
 
 " I have a touch of asthma; you talk to him," 
 
 said the court ; " ask him where he ^'ot the 
 tools." '^ 
 
 Officer Marks readied over with his mouth and 
 shouted in the prisoner's ear, " Where did you 
 get the tools ?" 
 
 Johnson smiled and said he thought so, too. 
 '• Yes, they're a pack of fools, all of 'em." 
 
 " No, no !" and the officer climbed up on the 
 other's s^onlder and shrieked till he threatened 
 to drop •it. A fit: "I asked you where you 
 stole the e tilings— how did you come by them ; 
 where dia you find them ?" 
 
 "0-0, beg pardon; misunderstood you. This 
 affliction of mine is terribly exasperating. 0, 
 no ; the last time I saw him the conductor put 
 
 LA 
 
 t' 
 
 ' l\ 
 
 it V 
 
 f 
 
 [•■ 
 
 i i 
 
 
178 
 
 SPLINTERS ;, OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 him off at the East St. Louis water-tank ; I guess 
 he's walking up, and he'd ought to reach 
 Chicago this week." 
 
 "Faugh! Don't ask any more questions; it's 
 useless." Then Justice Meech softly whispered, 
 " Five hundred dollars to the Criminal Court. I 
 guess he can hear me now." 
 
 And the prisoner walked out of the dock with 
 a ^'reatly-lengthened countenance, as if he had 
 heard everything that had been said. 
 
 An action was brought recently before Mr. 
 Justice Hawkins in England, to recover the value 
 of two casks of herrings furnished in 1854. 
 " Why such long delay ?" asked the judge. 
 " Why," said the plaintiff, " I again and again, 
 whenever I could find him, asked for payment, 
 until at last he told me to go to the devil, upon 
 which I thought it was high time to come to your 
 lordship." A remark which was received with 
 roars of laughter, in which the judge joined. 
 
 ** Have you finished your story, Mr. Sergeant 
 Byle ?" asked Mr. Barnes Peacock, Q.C., some- 
 what superciliously, as the sergeant sat down in 
 court, after an elaborate speech to the judges. 
 " I have," was the quick reply, " and now, Mr. 
 Peacock, you can unfold your tale." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 179 
 
 A POETICAL WILL. 
 
 The following was the will of John Hedges 
 which was proved July 13th, 1847 :— 
 
 This 5th day of May, 
 
 Being airy and gay, 
 
 To hipp not inclined, 
 
 But of vigorous mind, 
 
 And my body in health, 
 
 I'll dispose of my wealth, 
 
 And of all I'm to leave, 
 
 On this side of the grave, 
 
 To some one or other, 
 
 I think to my brother. 
 
 But because I foresaw, 
 
 That my brother-in-law, 
 
 If I did not take care, 
 
 Would come in for a share. 
 
 Which I no ways intended, 
 
 Till their manners are mended, 
 
 (And of that God knows there is no sign). 
 
 I do therefore enjoin. 
 
 And do strictly command. 
 
 Witness my hand, 
 
 That nought I have got 
 
 Be brought into hotchpot, 
 
 But I give and devise, 
 
 As much as in me hes. 
 
 To the son of my mother, 
 
 My own dear brother, 
 
 To have and to hold 
 
 All my silver and gold, 
 
 As the affectionate pledges 
 
 Of his brother John Hedges. 
 
 I :itl 
 I i 
 
 s 
 
 U\, 
 
180 
 
 Sl'LINTEKS ; PR, A OK.ST OF OIOGLKS. 
 
 THE MUG DIDN'T TUMBLE. 
 
 " Say, podner, I want ter get a mug pinched,- 
 sa d a man with a black eye this morafng i„ the 
 pohce court clerk's office. ' 
 
 '[ Want what '?" asked the clerk. 
 
 " Want ter get a mug pinched." 
 ^^J' What kind of a mug ? What do you want it 
 
 " Why, fur nipping some stuff. He collared 
 a coup e of cases from me," answered the tough 
 I don t see what I've got to do with him 
 Wha land of cases? Are you a lawyer ?" 
 
 lacke ? You see, dis bloke, Jimmy Kelly wuz 
 down-"' ■""■ '" "" '"'"'■ """^ ^''' •"" ''"°=''i"' 
 "You ought to get a warrant for assault and 
 battery, then ? Did he hit you ?" asked the 
 bewildered clerk. 
 
 rtippm his claws mto my boodle. Bin blowin' 
 m.y rocks agin the tiger." 
 
 .''J^l°'''i''S.''>'=^'^^t^iiger? Where? Out 
 at the Zoological Garden, I suppose ? " inquired 
 
 a.>::^:^r:a^;r.^l;Swu^Ss 
 
SPLINTEUH ; OR, A GltlST OF GIQOLES. 181 
 
 ted ? Can't you see dat I waut ter get dis mug 
 pulled for bilking me ?" 
 
 "Say, my friend, I don't want any more 
 foolishness," hotly answered the clerk. '* You 
 tell me what you want or get out." 
 
 " I ain't monkeyin', podner, on de dead square. 
 I want ter have dat crook jugged. Sposin' you 
 wuz gettin' your leg pulled by a out and out 
 crook, what would you do but get him nabbed—" 
 He picked the grass out of his ears and mouth 
 straightened out his hat, and after pulling out a 
 couple of teeth, remarked to the policeman who 
 had picked him up : " Dis ain't right, my friend, 
 they've got a crazy mug in dere, who, bekase he 
 couldn't tumble to my chatter when I wanted to 
 get a paper to have a crook whose a bin bitin' 
 into my role pinched, fired me out the windy into 
 de park here ."—Cmdnnati Times-Star. 
 
 THE AMATEUR LAWYER. 
 
 The young lawyer conducting his first case 
 before a jury is worthy of the deepest commis- 
 eration. Take him for instance in the criminal 
 court before which he has a case. While the 
 prosecuting attorney is tying the first witness into 
 bow-knots and untying him again, the amateur 
 sits listening intently, but endeavouring to look 
 as unconcerned as a mi^rble statue in a thunder 
 storm. He throws in tti..d objections every time 
 
 11 
 
 fit 
 
182 splinters; or, a grikt of giggles. 
 
 he thinks he sees a hold, and as each one is over- 
 ruled by the court he puts on a stern look as 
 much as to say : " I'll knock the wnid out of 
 that in the supreme court." 
 
 When the prosecutor, usually an old ai'd able 
 attorney, drily says: "Take the witness," the 
 youthful aspirant trembles a httle and endea 
 vours to swallow something that is sticking in hiJ 
 throat. He feels that every eye in the room is 
 upon him, and that they are as hot as stove lids 
 He fires a few initiatoi-y questions at the x.itness 
 and warms as he proceeds until he is brought up 
 Btajfiiing, by — 
 
 " Oh ! your honour, we object to such irrele- 
 rr. questions," followed by a few scathing 
 remarks from the prosecutor. The court sus- 
 tams the objection and advises the young lawyer 
 to keep within the bounds, which sets him to 
 wondermg where in thunder the bounds are. 
 
 Objection follows objection, and each one is 
 promptly sustained. He wonders why it is that 
 a free and independent people will tolerate such 
 one-sided justice. He lunges ahead blindly now, 
 until he becomes so confused that he does not 
 know whether he is a practising attorney with a 
 gilt sign, or a fly-wheel on a steam wood saw. 
 Finally he runs out of questions, and with a sigh 
 of rehef, or something, tells the witness - that's 
 all. 
 
 So he grinds through, and at last the prose- 
 
 'V&Y\Z 
 
BPLINTERS : OR, A ORI81 OF GIGGLES. 188 
 
 cutor rises and proceeds to address the jary in a 
 masterly style. As he luogresB*'^ he picks the 
 evidence produced by the defence into particles 
 fine enou!j;h to be incorpor into codfish balls. 
 
 The youthful Blackston. estler begins to feel 
 uneasy an his mind reverts lo the fact that in a 
 few moments he must deliver his maiden speech. 
 He \vishes the prosecutor would hold his grip 
 and keep it until time to adjourn the court, feel- 
 ing satisfied that he could make a splendid 
 speech the next day after a night's fighting on the 
 evidence. He tries to remember what the wit- 
 nesses s'vore to, but cannot recall their evidence 
 to save his life. 
 
 The prosecutor finally winds up with a grand 
 peroration, and as he says : *' And in conclusion, 
 gentlemen of the jury," the youth nervously 
 fingers his moustache, if he happens to have one 
 about him, and wishes he had never begun the 
 abominable business. Cold chills -ire fingering 
 him all over the back as if measuring him for a 
 new shirt, and his spinal column acts like it was 
 tired and wanted to sit down awhile like 
 Banquo's ghost; the lump in his throat wont down 
 by an obstinate majority, and he swallows at it 
 and wonders what he is gomg to say, and how long 
 it will take him to say it. 
 
 As the prosecutor calmly takes his seat the 
 young lawyer rises and moves to the front. He 
 dare not look at the audience, and tries to im- 
 
 ,l.t!| 
 
 
 
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184 
 
 SPLINTERS ; oil, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 agine there is no one in the room but himself and 
 the 12 sphinx-like forms in the jury box The 
 eyes of each juror are fixed upon him, and he 
 would almost relinquish the hope of heaven if 
 Bome one would raise a ery of tire to divert their 
 attention until he gets a start. 
 
 Finally he shrugs his shoulders and manages 
 to remark, - Gentlemen of the (swallow) jury ''- 
 very good. He then surveys them for a moment 
 and every man in the box thinks he his endea- 
 vounng to read their^thoughts, but he isn't He 
 18 wishing to gracious he could read his own 
 thoughts. At last he strikes out and goes for 
 hem about their intelligent looks, and how he 
 feels that his clients interests are safe in their 
 iiands At the same time he feels serious doubts 
 as to their safety in his own hands. He worries 
 through his speech with an average of two 
 s^v•allows at that lump to the sentence. 
 
 The prosecutor closes the argument and the 
 case goes to the jury who retire to a secluded 
 room to chew tobacco and ask each other what 
 they thought of it. It so happened that the 
 flimsy testimony against the accused warrants a 
 verdict of '' not guilty." Whereupon the amateur 
 grasps his client's hand and whispers : " It was 
 a hard fight, but I got you out of it." Then ho 
 rises, loads up enough law books to swamp a mud 
 scow, casts a triumphant look.at the prosecuting 
 attorney who smiles pleasantly in return, and 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 185 
 
 walks slowly and majestically down the side to 
 the door with as much dignity as if he owned a 
 western railway ! Oh, you can't deny it, even 
 you old veterans— you've all been there!— 
 Qiuncey Modern An/o, 
 
 THE WRONG SIDE. 
 
 "What is your occupation ?" the judge asked 
 the seedy, red -nose man. 
 
 " I'm a bartender, your honour," was the reply. 
 
 " But the officer swears you're a loafer, and 
 pass the greater part of your time in saloons." 
 
 " Don't a bartender pass most of his time in 
 saloons ?" 
 
 '• True," mused the judge. " By the way," he 
 asked, " which side of the bar do you tend ?" 
 
 " The outside, your honour." 
 
 ** I thought so," said the judge, " three 
 months." — Boston Courier. 
 
 r 
 
 HE "WUZ AFEERED." 
 
 A sorry-looking specimen was before the police 
 judge. " You are charged with being a vagrant," 
 said the court. "I reckon h'it's a fair deal, 
 jedge," responded the man. "Have you no 
 home ?" " Not in these parts, jedge." " No 
 friends?" "I've got a wife in Texas, jedge." 
 
 m 
 
186 
 
 SPLIOTEBS; OK, A aWST OF OIOOLES. 
 
 '•Why don't you go home to l.er instead of 
 starvmg and freezing up here?" " Jed«e 
 
 didnt. I thought 80, jedge, or you'd never 
 have asked me the question." " Sixty days " 
 »aid the judge, curtly. "Much obleeged 
 
 AN ITALIAN FOE ONE DAY, AND HEI HAD 
 ENOUGH OP IT. 
 
 arif ! f^'^ "^1' '''"'" ^*'™'' K'''y '"'« being 
 a.rested for drunkenness, we gave him a tip- 
 
 epe 1 h,s name " Kelli " and pass himself off for 
 an Italian. 
 
 Next morning, at court : - Patn Kellv 
 drunk," said the mayor. '« Patrick Kelh 
 stand up. ^' 
 
 Still Patrick remained quiet. 
 " Isn't your name Patrick Kellv ?" 
 "Widanisor." 
 " I see you have two eyes." 
 " I mane, sor, wid an i in me name " 
 " He speHs his name K-e-M-i," remarked the 
 arrestmg officer. 
 
 •'Ah! Patrick, why do you spell your name 
 
 nfme r '*^''' "^ ^'''' nationality and 
 
 " B« jabers, sor, it's because I'm an Italian." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF OIGQI,ES. 187 
 
 •• Where were you born, Patrick?" 
 
 •♦ In Italy, sor." 
 
 " What part of Italy ?" 
 
 '"Phawt part of Italy?' An' does ye be 
 thinkin' I was borned away in the soopberbs of 
 the place ? Sure an' I was borned in the very 
 heart of the city itsilf." 
 
 ♦'What city?" 
 
 " Italy, of course." 
 
 " Ten dollars and costs." 
 
 " Well, be jabers, yer Lciiour, it's the last 
 toime that Patrick Kelly ever appears in court 
 agin wid an i in his name. Ivery other toime I 
 was before a coart wid a y in it I niver got over 
 five dollars. To the devil wid the spalpeen that 
 made me a dirtv, lazy, drunken, good-for-nothin' 
 Italian wid an i in it." —Kentucky State Journal. 
 
 ANECDOTES OF JUSTICE. 
 
 The justice of che peace is sometimes a peculi- 
 arity, and if some one does not watch him he 
 will exceed his jurisdiction. It took a constable, 
 a sheriff, a prosecuting attorney and a club to 
 convince a Wyoming justice of the peace that he 
 had no right to send a man to the penitentiary 
 for life. Another justice in Utah sentenced a 
 criminal to be hung on the following Friday be- 
 tween 12 and 1 o'clock of said day, but he 
 couldn't enforce the sentence. A Wisconsin 
 
188 SPLFNTERS; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 justice of the peace granted a divorce and in two 
 weeks married the couple over again— ten dollars 
 for the divorce and two dollars for the relapse. 
 Another Badger justice bound a young man over 
 to appear and answer at the next term of the 
 circuit court for the crime of chastity, and the 
 evidence was entirely circumstantial, too. 
 
 Another one, when his first case came up, 
 jerked a candk-box around behind the dining- 
 room table, put his hat on the back of his head, 
 borrowed a chew of 'tobacco from the prisoner 
 and said : " Now, boys, the court's open. The 
 first feller that says a word unless I speak to him 
 will get paralyzed. Now, tell your story." 
 Then each witness and the defendant reeled ofT 
 his yarn without being sworn. The justice fined 
 the defendant ten dollars and made the com- 
 plaining witness pay half the costs. The justice 
 then took the fine and put it in his pocket, ad- 
 journed court and in an hour was so full that it 
 took six men to hold his house still long enough 
 for him to get into the door. 
 
 A North Park justice of the peace and under- 
 sheriff formed a partnership years ago for the 
 purpose of supplying the people with justice at 
 New York prices, and by doing a strictly cash 
 business they dispensed with a good deal of 
 justice, such as it was. 
 
 It was a misdemeanor to kill game and ship it 
 out of the state, and as there was a good deal 
 
splinters; or, a grist op giggles. 189 
 
 MlUd there, consisting of elk, antelope, and 
 black tail deer 
 
 consi 
 especially, and as it could not be 
 
 bauled out of the park at that season without 
 going across the Wyoming line and back again 
 into the state of Colorado, the undersheriff 
 would load himself down with warrants, signed 
 in blank, and station himself on horseback at the 
 foot of the pass to the north. He would then 
 arrest everybody indiscriminately who had any 
 fraction of a deer, antelope, or elk on his wagon, 
 try the case then and there, put on a fine of $25 
 to $75, which, if paid, never reached the trea- 
 sury, and then he would wait for another victim. 
 The average man would rather pay the fine than 
 go hack a hundred miles through the mountains 
 to stand trial, so the undersheriff and justice 
 thrived for some time. But one day the under- 
 sheriff served his patent automatic warrant on a 
 young man who refused to come down. The 
 officer then drew one of those large baritone in- 
 struments that generally has a coward at one 
 end and a corpse at the other. He pointed this 
 at the young man and assessed a fine of $50 and 
 costs. Instead of paying this fine, the youth, 
 who was quite nimble, but unarmed, knocked the 
 bogus otKcer down wi-' the butt end of his six- 
 mule whip, took his se. ^cking credentials away 
 and lit out. In less than a week tlie justice and ■ 
 his copper were in the refrigerator. 
 
 I was once a justice of the peace, and a good 
 
190 SPLINTERS ;, OR, A GRIST OP OIGQLES. 
 
 many funny little incidents occurred while I held 
 that office. I do not allude to my official life 
 here in order to call attention to my glowing 
 career for thousands of others no doubt could 
 have administered the affairs of the office ns well 
 as I did but rather to speak of one incident 
 which took place while I wati a J. P 
 
 One night after I bad retired and gone to 
 sleep a milkman called Bill Dunning rang the 
 bell and got me out of bed. Then he told me 
 that a man who owfed him a milk bill of $35 
 was all loaded up and prepared to slip across 
 the line overland into Colorado, there to grow up 
 with the country and acquire other indebtedness 
 no doubt. Bill desired an attachment for the 
 entire wagon load of goods and said he had an 
 officer at hand to serve the writ. 
 
 " But," said I, as I wrappec! a " welcome " husk 
 doormat around my glorious proportions, "how 
 do you know while we converse together he is not 
 winging his way down the vallev of the Pardee ?" 
 . " Never mind that, jedge," says William, 
 you just fix the dockyments and I'll tend to 
 the defendant." 
 
 In an hour Bill returned with $35 in cash for 
 Imnsel and the entire costs of the court, and as 
 we settled up and fixed the docket, I asked Bill 
 Dunning how he detained the defendant while 
 we made out the affidavit bond and writ of 
 attachment. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIOOLES. 191 
 
 "You reckollect, jedge," sajs William, "that 
 the waggin wheel is held onto the exle with a 
 big nut. No waggin kin go any length of time 
 without that there nut onto the exle. Well, 
 when I diskivered that what's his name was 
 packed up and the waggin loaded, I took the 
 liberty to borry one o' them there nuts fur a 
 kind of momemto as it were, and I kept that in 
 my pocket till we served the writ and he paid my 
 bill and came to his milk, if you'll allow me that 
 expression, and then I says to him, 'Pardner,' 
 says I, ' you are going far, far away where I may 
 never see you again. Take this here nut,' says 
 I, • and put it onto the exle of the oft hind wheel 
 of your waggin, and whenever you look at it 
 hereafter, think of poor old Bill' Dunning, the 
 milkman.' "—Bill Nye, in New York Met ry. 
 
 ScENE-A court at Nisi Prius. Counsel, solici- 
 tors, witnesses, and the public awaiting the 
 arrival of the judge. Enter the associate to an- 
 nounce that Mr. Justice uddler will be unable 
 to attend ; on his way to the court his lordship 
 had slipped on a piece of orange peel and had to 
 be picked up and carried back to his house with 
 a sprained ankle. General consternation, amidst 
 which Cocksure, Q.C., rather audibly observes to 
 his learned junior : " Well, I don't see anything 
 to make such a fuss about ; it isn't the first time 
 he's been reversed on appeal."-Zo«tZow Tid-BiU. 
 
102 SPMNIKKH ; OK, A OKIHT OF OIOOLES. 
 
 A BLACK ANJ) SHINING TEHROH. 
 
 JUSTICK VVHITK ATTEMPTH TO T.OR.U.HI/K THK TKHUOR 
 WITH A 125 FINK. 
 
 There is an 11 -year-old terror at 308 West 
 Kandolph street who makes life miserable to the 
 liaJf-dozen coloured families residing at that 
 number The terror is as black as'midniS 
 and as shiny as tlie shoes he has just polished 
 up for a mckel. Yesterday a delegation from 
 the aforesaid families, consisting of the terror's 
 iinfortunate mother, Mrs. Scott, his miserable 
 aunt, Mrs. Merrill, and about a dozen afflicted 
 relatives and neighbours, waited on Justice C. J 
 White to see what he could do to rid them of 
 heir pest. Henry Scott, the terror, stood on 
 his toes in the middle of the crowd and grinned 
 With all his white teeth over the railing as the 
 tale of his misdeeds was recited. He had stolen 
 $5 from his aunt and bought shoes and roller 
 skates with it He had tied the tails of two cats 
 together and thrown them down stairs from the 
 top story. He had cut one of the tails from his 
 grand-dads coat while the old man slept. He 
 had broken the windows, and stoned the hens 
 and thrown a bad egg at a policeman, and tried 
 to poison his aunt, and put gunpowder or a fire- 
 cracker in his uncle's pipe, and tried to throw a 
 street car off the track, and stole everything he 
 could lay his bands on. 
 
 'A 
 
SPLINTErtS ; OR, A ORI8T OP OlOOLKS. 198 
 
 •' What can I do with him ?" said the court. 
 
 •• Hang hira," suggested Mrs. Merrill. 
 
 " Send hira to the penitentiary and skin him 
 alive," said another. 
 
 " Jail, and solitary, and hread and water, and 
 flogging," said a third. 
 
 " Send hira to the reform school or to the 
 Bridewell," said the mother. 
 
 " No good at all," said the others in chorus, 
 referring to the proposed punishment. 
 
 '• Why don't you flog him, and shut him up 
 on bread and water yourselves ?" said the court. 
 
 " We've done it, judge, and he just fattens on 
 it. He's got more lives than a barrel o' cats. 
 An' for clirabin' down the side of a house he's 
 worse than any cat ever lived." 
 
 The court fined the terror $25 and suspended 
 sentence.— C/iica^o Herald. 
 
 Pauline Campbell, otherwise known as Pau- 
 Ime Wilson, by her will filed in the Surro- 
 gate Court, New York, directs that her body 
 shall be placed in a plain pine coffin, without 
 pamt upon it, that only one carriage shall follow 
 her body to the grave, and that her pet birds and 
 dog shall be cremated and their ashes strewn 
 upon her grave that they may "be saved the 
 agonies attendant upon separation." 
 13 
 
 •♦ 
 
11 
 
 m 8,.u«„u, ; OB, . „,„„ ,, „,„„^^^ 
 
 HE WAS NOT PRKPAUEI). 
 
 -ppo»ing that : 1:;^; :;:rf ", ""'""™"°"- 
 
 liours, on any uuhu^ ^ number of 
 
 eioquence. f' ' '" " "'^'^ "' "'nlling 
 
 britt:d\:;7a™idr"";^'-^"'^'' "-''"<' 
 
 tivesiieneeofhuX":.''"'"'''''''"''''"-- 
 andparoe,„rthei,o;iL7wiM::rr-^"' 
 
 o«;fiv^e"ard^»;Te:ta::^r''f'r"'-»' 
 
 "e now stand, was pin and ,"""'"*' '^''«~ 
 
 ling wilderness." ''"°'' <" *''« h«w. 
 
 Again he paused. 
 
 (Cries of " Good ! Go on i") 
 
 b4Vt,;:wtSr::n^^ 
 
 ago was part and parceJ If il u ""'^^ ^'^^« 
 
BPLIN™s;oi.,AOKIST0FoWor,B8. 196 
 
 THE HIGH SEA END OF A PIEU. 
 A case came before the Brighton magistrates 
 last week wh.ch displays another of the stranl 
 anonmhes of English criminal laws. A „ „n Z 
 conv.cted of stealing a watch at the south end 
 the West Pier. and the magistrates were about ^o 
 deal summarily with the offence when it urld 
 ou tha teclnncally. this theft had been com 
 
 mated "on the high seas," and that therZe 
 he case must be sent for trial at the SessTon 
 If the watch had been stolen at the shore end of 
 the p,er ,t would have been a simple theft and 
 the Bench couhl have dealt sun.narily wi h "he 
 case, but being committed at the sea end Tt be 
 c^me^a theft upon "the high seas."lw: 
 
 IJI 
 
 ■ I' 
 
 TKOPICAL BLOOD 
 
 AND A HIGH TEMPER GET MRS. MARY SULLIVAN INTO 
 
 TROUBLE. 
 
 Mrs. Mary Sullivan, a tall, emphatic Irish- 
 woman stood before Justice White yesterday 
 charged with being drunk and disorderly The 
 officer testified that Mary had been throwing 
 stones and bad words at a crowd gathered about 
 her on Randolph street. 
 
 "Your Warship," said Mary, "the man 
 sbpakes an on rooth .ntoirely. Should a Ihady 
 
 xju,u jKju tea larciiewns/ 
 
 be doin' them tliinwa 9 
 
196 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 says he. ' No,' says Oi, ' but Oi can rade the 
 raskil in a man's face,' says Oi. So he arrested 
 me wid farce, your Warship." 
 •' Was she drunk, officer ?" asked the court. 
 '• Wild drunk, your Honour." 
 " Is it a belavin' that ye'll be of a lady, your 
 Warship? Oi came from Mimphis last wake, 
 an' me blud is thropical, your Warship. The 
 byes on the shtrate made me timper hoigh, your 
 Warship, an' Oi,shpoke to thim reproachful 
 loike, sor. 'Twas no more as me thropical 
 timper, at all. 'Twas not for divarshun Oi was 
 a drinkin', your Warship. Shure an' me waist 
 was cowld, an' Oi took a drhap to kape me warm, 
 loike a lady, joodge." 
 
 " Have you been here before, Mary ?" 
 " Ar ye not blooshin', your Warship, to be 
 askin' the loike of that of a Mimphis lady? 
 Shure an' no dacent lady will be sane assortin' 
 wid disrepootables, an' its not here Oim sakin' 
 me company." 
 
 •' Where do you work ?" asked the court. 
 
 " An' is it workin' ye'll have of a lady ? An' 
 is it a cart Oi'U be driven or a hod ye'll be bavin' 
 me carry, your Warship ? Eemimber, joodge, 
 as how it's a Mimphis lady ye're a talkin' to !" ' 
 
 *' Three dollars and costs, Mary; pass down." 
 
 " It's all me thropical blud an* Northern op- 
 prishun," said Mary philosophically as the officer 
 led her away. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 197 
 
 MILK THAT WAS 28 PEK CENT. WATER. 
 
 At the Lambeth Police Court, says the Pall 
 Mall Gazette of Aug. 21, John Wale of Sussex 
 road, Brixton, milk seller, was summoned for 
 selling milk which was shown by analysis to con- 
 tain 28 per cent added water. The defendant 
 pleaded guilty. Mr. ""Nance : " What have you to 
 say in excuse ?" Deiendant : " Well, I put in a 
 quart of water to every ten quarts of milk." 
 (Loud laughter.) Mr. Chance : " That is a very 
 open and candid defence. It is one of the most 
 honest defences I remember with regard to the 
 adulteration of milk." Defendant : " Well, I tell 
 the truth. (Renewed laughter.) One quart of 
 water to ten quarts of milk is very little." Mr. 
 Chance: "You are very candid. How long have 
 you taken to doing this ?" Defendant : ** Not very 
 long." Mr. Chance : " You had better go back to 
 the old honest way of doing business — sell milk, 
 and not milk and water." He fined him 20s. and 
 12s. 6d. costs. 
 
 DRAWING THE LONG BOW. 
 
 "O'Rafferty," said Judge Duffy, of the New York 
 Police Court, "your wife swears you struck her with 
 great violence." " Wid great violms, whin there is 
 not a fiddle, big or little, on the prameses ! She 
 exaggerates too much entoirely, yer Honour. It 
 was wid me boot that I rebuked her." 
 
198 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 THE CANVASSER AND THE LAWYER. 
 A persevering canvasser walked into a lawyer's 
 office m San Francisco with a new kind of 
 alarum-clock. The man of quibbles was evidently 
 interested, and heard him patiently to the end. 
 When It came to his turn to get in a word- 
 which in these cases is about once in an hour 
 and a half-he spoke, much as is hereinafter 
 contained:-" My friend, I Srmly believe that 
 that alarum-clock ii worth seven dollars, as you 
 state, and that your are foolish to offer it to me 
 for two and a half; that it will go off every half- 
 hour for sixteen months without winding up 
 and wake up an elephant at everv pop. My 
 heart tells me this is true, and I am simply 
 aching to give you four times the price you de- 
 mand. But when I inform you that I have an 
 mfant three months old at home, afflicted with 
 perpetual wakefulness, and a youngster going on 
 three, who insists on having a drink of water at 
 regular intervals during the night, and never 
 sleeps after four o'clock in the morning, do you 
 iiot think that my investment in this beautiful 
 invention which you are relating might, in a 
 measure, be characterized as extravagant ?" The 
 clock agent sighed deeply, put up his alarum, 
 and retired. 
 
 Perjury is usually settled per jmy.-Modern 
 Argo. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 199 
 
 BED AND BILLIAEDS. 
 
 An English traveller arriving at a small town 
 which was so crowded that he could get no bed, 
 was given a billiard-table with a mattress on it. 
 In the morning he was charged night rates by 
 the hour for the table, and a justice decided the 
 charge was just because there were balls and 
 cues and he could have played if he had liked. 
 
 Eichard Brown waddled up to the Clerk's 
 desk in the First District Court and was asked : 
 *' Why did you carry that razor found in your 
 boot the other day ?" 
 
 " I use dat to pah my cowns." 
 
 " That's the reason you carry it in your boot, 
 is it ; to have it handy, is it ?" 
 
 " I totes it down dar cos' dar's a hole in every 
 blamed pocket I got, jedge." 
 
 '* You're married, ain't you ?" 
 
 " I'se got a woman ; but Lawd, she won't sew 
 dem holes up. She's bin ranging a church 
 festible lately an' ain't got no time." 
 
 He was fined $25 and sent down to the work- 
 house. — St. Louis Globe-Democrat. 
 
 ■■'i 
 
 Ruled out of court — The young man who was 
 jilted. — Grip. 
 
200 
 
 SPLINTEES ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 Ottawa, HI., Sept. 4.- [Special.] -In the 
 Mackm case, now in the Supreme Court, Tues- 
 day, Emery A. Storrs came to Ottawa, and as the 
 papers m Chicago had announced and repeated 
 that he was coming here to "argue the Mackin 
 case that day " there was much interest in the 
 matter. But Storrs' real object in visiting 
 Ottawa was simply for the purpose of entering a 
 mouon m that case for a continuance, which he 
 openly asserted tha^ he expected and wanted to 
 be denied. Yesterday he made the motion for a 
 continuance, supported by an affidavit of J 
 Chesterfield Mackin. Storrs' appearance in the 
 Supreme Court building this morning was 
 heralded by the remark to the clerk : 
 '* Has the court denied my motion yet ?" 
 Later on, being told that his motion was de- 
 nied, he said : 
 
 '' That is what I expected and wanted. If J 
 had thought they would grant it I would have 
 withdrawn it." 
 
 This substantiates his former remark to the 
 reporters, that he •« didn't care a damn if they 
 
 If lawyers offered prayers to heaven one-half 
 as often as they offer them to the court there 
 might be some chance of one or two of them 
 getting m.^Every Saturday. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF OIGGLKS. 201 
 
 FINING THE SALVATION AKMY. 
 
 JUSTICE KERSTEN DECIDES THEIft PARADES ARE A 
 
 NUISANCE. 
 
 There was a large crowd at the Chicago avenue 
 police court to-day, among them the many uni- 
 formed members of the salvation armv, includ- 
 ing all the hallelujah chorus, who wore jaunty 
 hats and large red vests. Five others, also wear- 
 ing the army uniform and answering to the 
 names of William Dean, William Agerquist, 
 John Torry, T. L. Dow, and George Sohnger, 
 filed into the prisoners* dock and were given 
 words of consolation by the hallelujah sisters. 
 One of the prisoners carried a huge bible, while 
 another bowed his head in meek submission, 
 and, placing his hand over his eyes, offered a 
 silent prayer for the safe deliverance of himself 
 and his companions. They were charged with 
 disorderly conduct, the complainants being Dr. 
 Strausser, W. A. Schmidt, William Schuster, 
 Dr. Lee, and others, all living in the vicinity of 
 the salvation army barracks on Chicago avenue. 
 The prisoners entered a plea of not guilty, and 
 the sisters sent up an enthusiastic *' Amen !" to 
 the pleasure of the audience. Capt. Schaack 
 said that the army had become a nuisance. 
 Last night he stood on the steps of the police 
 station and the army marched along the street 
 
 1 
 
 ll 
 
202 
 
 SPLINTERS'; OR, A GRIST OF GIOOLES. 
 
 With a big drum and tan^borine. A crowd of 
 small children always followed them, he said 
 and in consequence many of them were lost and 
 caused their parents great anxiety; besides, the 
 march of the army, once they got started, could 
 not be stopped, and the result was that often 
 ittle children anxious to see the sight were 
 knocked down and run over. Last night they 
 were singing on Clark street, and had a crowd of 
 about five hundred persons around them. The 
 police ordered them' to disperse, but they contin- 
 ued to smg. The complainants all testified that 
 they were disturbed by the action of the Salva- 
 tionists. Mr. Schuster said he could not stand 
 It and would be compelled to move out )f his 
 present quarters if they were not suppressed. 
 Ihe prisoners offered no defence, but Mr. Man- 
 chester, their attorney, said they thought they 
 had a right to serve God according to their own 
 convictions. " Amen !" cried out the hallelujah 
 sisters, while " Praise God !" came from the 
 throats of the others. He said the army would 
 leave off the drum if the police desired it, but in- 
 sisted on their right to sing and march. 
 
 " It seems to me," said Justice Kersten, " that 
 the actions of these Salvationists resemble a 
 monkey show more than anything else. From 
 my own experience I would say we have more 
 arrests caused by the salvation army than by all 
 the saloons on the north side. They gather 
 
splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 20S 
 
 great crowds on the streets [* Amen !' from the 
 sisters], and their audience comprises represen- 
 tatives of the lowest classes [* Amen !' * Praise 
 God !' * Just what we want !' came from the 
 army corps], and while they have a ri^ht to 
 serve God as they see fit, still, they must not be 
 disorderly. Now, I won't lecture these people 
 and try to stop it that way, but will fine each of 
 the prisoners $10." 
 
 " Shan't pay it," cried the man with the 
 bible. 
 
 '* Then you will go to the Bridewell," retorted 
 the court. 
 
 " Don't be discouraged ; the Lord will stand 
 by you," cried out a big- whiskered Salvationist. 
 
 " Amen ! Amen !" cried the sisters, while a 
 voice from the rear of the room called out for 
 the prisoners not to think that Felton had any- 
 thing to do with the Lord. The Salvationists 
 started to leave the room and at the same time 
 to start a refrain, but it was an unmistakable 
 failure. The prisoners were taken down- stairs 
 to wait fo" the Bridewell bus. — Chicnijo Tribune. 
 
 An Iowa judge has decided that a man is in 
 duty bound to tell his wife where he spends the 
 evenings when he is away from home. This 
 decision is all right to a certain extent, but sup- 
 pose the man doesn't know ? 
 
204 sr"NX.R8;oB,i„H,„oro:aoLEs. 
 
 AN EFFECTIVE SUBSTITUTE. 
 
 Old Hicks was an awful snnrpr vr , , , 
 
 hear, further .ha„ a b.acLSs fo^Tl U 
 
 h frSr Tle?""""^'' ''^ " thafa soled 
 
 -nevers;;pe!^^.rr„7.etri;,rt 
 s::r!:r!r"r--" 
 
 had .t no been for the ingenuity of a servant 
 ff^rl. She took the co.Tee mill into her mistress' 
 chamber and ground her to sleep at bnce! 
 
 ^ Some people are i„ favour of giving one's 
 w,fe a name esthetieally suggesuve of hfr Z- 
 band s business. A good plan. A chemis 's 
 
 Nettv „ 7 '• ^ """'''■ ™'-' <" fisherman's, 
 Wetty a tonsorial artist's, Barbara; a pawn 
 
 n SLw" '■ %'"^"""' ^'"-^^ »" '"o"- 
 edC's Er-' ' ''""""^'^- ^'"-"-^ - 
 
 A lawyer's daughter calls her numerous .™itors 
 SMdry Flaiutif5fs.-&fe», Sunbeam. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF OiaOLES. 205 
 
 A lady lawyer out west always artdresses her 
 husband at breakfast as " my learned brother." 
 At lunch she calls him " the counsel for the 
 defence." At dinner she calls him "a brass- 
 mounted pettifogger, with a cheek like an army 
 mule."— iV^. Y. Herald. 
 
 She had sued for breach of promise and the 
 verdict of the jury was against her. " Want to 
 pole the jury ?" she repeated. " Yes, I do, jes' 
 gimme the pole for two minutes," and she had 
 thrown off her sun bonnet and expectorated on 
 the palms of her hands before the legal phrafee 
 could be explained by her counsel. — Grip. 
 
 
 s"!' 
 
 " Know all men by these presents," read the 
 old bachelor lawyer. " Why don't they put in 
 women too ?" asked his lady client. " Because," 
 said the old bachelor, " if one woman knows it, 
 all women know it." — Hartford Sunday Journal. 
 
 " Were you ever a lawyer ?" said a friend to 
 our funny contributor. " No," replied our con- 
 tributor, " but I have often been called to the 
 bar." Our contributor adds that Theodore 
 Hook made this reply many years ago ; the joke 
 was "hooked" froi im. — Grip. 
 
 J, 
 
206 «P-iNTKHs;oB,AOKisToroioo™. 
 
 Said the angry judge to the Jawyer " f... 
 prisoner would steal horses nnA j^^""' *^^® 
 no better " An.i ii ^ ^ consider you 
 
 eouM .etu« the ooljren t ^ j ir.*-!^'; 
 
 The dealer had trusted hmolld?'^ ""'• 
 
 Blow, b„t-sboe'her.'V-rl;^'. '"''"'' ""y ''« 
 
 When a young man attempts to court « fo- 
 damsel and she tells him that she ha! " « » 
 contempt" for him, should he re„re3ted7' 
 contempt of court ?~Grip. '^"'' 
 
 " It is not right to spoil a golden wedding •• 
 drying times—Assize Court. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A 0RI8T OF GiaOLES. 207 
 
 A firm recently sent a lot of bills to a western 
 lawyer for collection. The list was sent back 
 with the result noted against each name, one 
 being marked " dead." Three months after the 
 same bill got into a new lot that was forwarded, 
 and when the list came back the name was 
 marked '• still dead." 
 
 The course ot a cannon ball may be turned by 
 a shingle. Then it must be a lawyer's shingle. 
 Lawyers can turn anything the way they want 
 it. 
 
 A judge says he can see no difference between 
 gambling in stocks and gambling of any other 
 kind. Probably he has lost in both ways. — New 
 Haven Register. 
 
 Where there's a will there's a way — to break 
 it, if the old gentleman died rich and you retain 
 good lawyers. — Boston Star. 
 
 This is "cording to law," as the hangman 
 said, while he pinioned the criminal. — Grip. 
 
 " Try and be convinced," as the judge said 
 to the jury. — Grip. 
 
 Judge Hilton's failure in Stewart's dry goods 
 business suggests the ancient reason — that he 
 couldn't get Jews to it. — Lowell Courier. 
 
208 
 
 splinters; OR, A aiUST OF OIOGLEH. 
 
 A DELICATE DISTINCTION 
 
 Pimary tribunal '^ ^ ""^ ^'^'''- 
 
 i' is impossible to ai; ; " '"" ''^'""^' "' ^'^^ 
 
 ca^n: d^.r««- - Wiau, perhaps, 
 
 .'ear.^ro^;:j'^„^;^ a ^^;^. - .. a.a 
 common sense «« fl. aT- ^ ^''^ ^""^'^ ^nd 
 
 i'bis 18 further proof." said the latter - f h«f 
 victory, he looked around him with an air ' 
 
SPLINTKRS ; OR, A OIUST OP OIO0LE8. 209 
 
 Of triumph. In place of viewing Bmilee, how- 
 ever, he saw only Htupefied facen and Bcornful 
 eyes. He was antounded himself when a gentle- 
 man with a grave air, a face graced with 
 whiskers, and wearing the red ribbon of the 
 Legion of Honour, took him by the arm. 
 
 " You are a stranger, are you not ?" he a.^ked. 
 I am." 
 
 " I felt sure you were. You are not familiar 
 with our customs. After the outrage you h: ve 
 received, a man of the world would send t^ o 
 friends to 'demand reason' from the assailant." 
 What reason can I demand from a man that 
 has none?" 
 
 ''Reason, such as you think of, has nothing 
 to do with it. To demand reason simply means 
 to propose smgle combat with the sword or pistol " 
 
 ••Indeed ? How strange. I shall conform 
 witu the custom immediately." 
 
 A meeting was had, pistols being chosen. The 
 Indian, who was accustomed to hunt the tiger in 
 his native jungle, promptly inserted a bullet 
 between the two eyes of his antagonist, and killed 
 nim as dead ag Moses. 
 
 Shortly afterwards he was summoned to 
 answer for it. A gentleman in an official robe of 
 red, wearing the cross of the Legion of Honour, 
 demanded the infliction of severe punishment on 
 the ground that it is time to do away with usages 
 worthy of the barbarous ages. 
 
210 SPLINTEUS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 The poor devil turned his head to see this 
 terrible accuser, and uttered an exclamation of 
 surprise. 
 
 " Why," he cried, " you're the very man that 
 told me I must fight or be disgraced !" 
 
 ** Silence !" exclaimed the President of the 
 court. The prisoner was condemned to six days 
 of imprisonment and a fine of $40. When all 
 was over he called upon the Advocate-General 
 and said : 
 
 " What sort of a joker are you ? It was you 
 who told me that I must fight !" 
 
 The amiable magistrate shook him by the 
 hand smilingly : 
 
 " Of course ; when I spoke to you in that way 
 it was as a man of the world ; in court I spoke 
 as a magistrate. Do you grasp the shading ?" 
 
 " Faith, I don't." 
 
 " Well, you will by-and-by. You are not quite 
 used to our ways as yet." 
 
 I I 
 
 A chief of one of the Treasury divisions is the 
 subject of the latest story related by the Wash- 
 ington gossips. He was sitting at his desk the 
 other day contemplating plans for retaining his 
 position, when a tall man came into the room 
 and in a quiet, respectful way observed that he 
 would like lo see the documents in such and such 
 a case. 
 
splinters; or, a grist op giggles. 211 
 
 What is your name ?" asked the chief of the 
 division. 
 
 " Strong," was the reply. 
 " What's your first name ?" 
 
 " William," and a queer smile stole over his 
 face. 
 
 " Where do you reside ?" 
 " Washington. I formerly practised law, but 
 have not done so for many years." 
 " Are you an attorney in this case ?" 
 " No, sir." 
 
 " What do you want to see the papers for, 
 then ?" 
 
 "I have been appointed arbitrator by the 
 courts, and it becomes necessary for me to examine 
 them." 
 
 *• When were you appointed ?" 
 
 " Nearly a month ago. I have been absent 
 from the city or I should have called for them 
 before." 
 
 " What did you say your name was ?" 
 
 '•William Strong." 
 
 At this the lady stenographer of the presiding 
 genius of the office, who had been writhing about 
 in her chair as if on the ragged edge of hysterics, 
 
 jumped up and exclaimed : " Mr. , you don't 
 
 appear to know the gentleman. This is Justice 
 Strong of the United States Supreme Court." 
 The Justice got leave to look at the papers.— >S^ 
 Louis Republican. 
 
 \4l 
 
 fi 
 
 
 ' i i;i 
 
212 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 HE HAD KOYAL BLOOD IN HIS VEINS. 
 
 BUT IT didn't save HIM FROM A FINE OF $5 AND 
 
 COSTS. 
 
 " He coom py my shtore and vants to make 
 me puy an olt, secon'-hent flab shofel, an' ven 
 I toF him I nix vand id he bick oop annuder 
 sbofel, bren new, and runs avay." This was the 
 story told of the^ escapade of an old-time thief, 
 who gave his name as Thomas O'Laughlin, by 
 Simon Foster, a pawnbroker at No. 375 Clark 
 street. 
 
 ** May Oi shpake, yer Anner ?" interposed the 
 prisoner, who stepped forward and revealed three 
 cuts on his head and blood trickling down over 
 his ears. 
 
 " There's no muzzle on you," whispered the 
 officer in charge, and O'Laughlin proceeded to 
 tell a sorrowful tale of mistaken intentions to 
 Justice Meech. "I wuz a shovelin' coal, yer 
 Anner, phwin moi shovel gev out, an' I wint 
 a-lukkin' fer anahther wan. I shpied wan ristin' 
 farninst the buildin' an' I borryed the loan av it 
 fer tin minutes, yer Anner. Thin this imp o' 
 the ould divil set up a cry, an' foor er foive av 
 'em roon me up an alley, an' they near murther- 
 ed me, the cowards. Luk at me head." 
 
 " But he says you went there with one shovel 
 and ran away with two." 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 213 
 
 ^^ O'Laughlin smiled in an uncertain sort of way. 
 *' That's roight, yer Anner, that's roight ; but Oi 
 only borryed i<i, yer Anner, take the worrud av 
 an Oirish gintleman fer that, yer Anner. Me 
 shtale? Niver while there's the blood av an 
 Oirish King in me veins. I'm a dascindant of 
 Brian Boru, yer Anner, an' phwile me shtory 
 
 sounds ir-ir-irational it's " 
 
 Irrational ? 0, no, your story is not irra- 
 tional. In fact, it's the best I've heard for some 
 time, and it's worth $5 of any man's money ; 
 and that's what you'll get— $5 and costs." 
 
 •* Howly shades av me antecadents, hear that," 
 and the king of story-tellers with royal blood in 
 his veins, but in hard luck, was bundled away in 
 the Black Maria. — Chicago Tribune. 
 
 Old Judge Seniko attracts attention by the 
 delapidated condition of his clothes, which would 
 have to be repaired before they could be used to 
 put on a scarecrow. A few days ago Gilhooly 
 happened to meet the old man on the corner of 
 Austin avenue and Peter street and said to him 
 pleasantly: "How long have you lived here, 
 judge ?" ♦♦ I came to Austin with the close of 
 the war," replied the gratified old citizen. " With 
 the clothes of the war ? I reckon those are the same 
 clothes you have got on now. You ought to have 
 them washed." This is why Gilhooly is not popu- 
 lar with the unwashed cUaaea.— Texas Si/tings. 
 
 ir 
 
 •f'i 
 
 ' f 
 
 r 
 
 :fl 
 
214 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 A PUBLIC SPIEITED MAN. 
 
 Jim McSnifter was tried in the district court 
 at San Antonio, Texas, for stealing a horse. 
 After speeches were made, the case was given to 
 the jury. Judge Noonan, who was on the bench, 
 said to the jury, as he handed the foreman the 
 papers : , 
 
 " The jury will now retire and deliberate on a 
 verdict. 
 
 The jurymen got up to go out, but the prisoner 
 graciously waived his hand at them, and said : 
 
 " Gentlemen, you needn't go out on my account. 
 You can just stay right here and discuss the 
 matter. In fact, I'd like to be present and help 
 you make up your verdict. I want to do all I 
 can to expedite justice." 
 
 The jury, nevertheless, retired, but after 
 several hours they returned, being unable to 
 agree upon a verdict. 
 
 Once more the prisoner arose in his seat, and 
 said to the jury : 
 
 ** Gentlemen, as far as I am concerned a few 
 years more or less in the penitentiary is a matter 
 of no importance. If you cannot agree on five 
 years, make it ten. I don't want to have it said 
 about me tliat I impeded the course of justice or 
 that I didn't have any public spirit."— 2't'a;as Sift- 
 in(f8. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 215 
 
 EVIDENCE OF AN IRISHMAN'S LOVE 
 MAKING. 
 
 " You say this man has been making love to 
 your daughter, Mrs. Maguire ? Why do you 
 conclude that he has been making love to her ?" 
 
 " Sure, an' didn't she till me so hersilf, yer 
 honour ?" 
 
 '* What she told you is not evidence to the 
 court. You must only tell what you know to be 
 so of your own personal knowledge. Did you 
 hear him making love to her ?" 
 
 " No, sor." 
 
 " Did you see him kiss her ?" 
 
 "Divil the wanat, yer honour. Let me see 
 the loikes av that, an' sorry the bhone he'd have 
 in his body, barin' the wans that was broke, sor." 
 
 ** Did he ever hug her in your presence ?" 
 
 " Av course not, eor." 
 
 ** How do you know he made love to her, 
 then ?" 
 
 ** Don't you see for yersilf, yer honour, that 
 the besht pairt av her taithe are missin', sor ?" 
 " Well, but what has that to do with it ?" 
 ** That's the wairk av Pat Donovan, yer 
 honour. It was at Kirbey's wake, sor, as he'll 
 till ye himsilf, if he's the gintlemon his faither 
 was before him. I won't say, sor, but that the 
 crayther got into his head, yer honour, for sure 
 • •6 was luL av tue samu to the very eyes av him, 
 
 ■|, 
 
 Mi 
 
216 splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 
 
 sor, an' by that same token ye'll know, sor, 
 that Mary Ann spiled her tathe by the loikes 
 av a chair leg that was flyin' about in the hands 
 av Pat Donovan, sor, whin she intered the room, 
 an^ there ye have it, yer honour, as plain as the' 
 bhile on the ind av me nose how it was, sor. An' 
 now, yer honour, if he didn't loike the gerrel and 
 mtind to marry her, why did he behave loike a 
 swateheart at all intoirely, sor, by putting the 
 weight of his fishfc upon her, yer honour ? Yis, 
 sor ; it's brache av promise, as yer honour well 
 knows, sor, an' Mary Ann, the poor, swate gerrel, 
 will die wid a broken hairt, sor, anliss yer honour 
 —the koind soul that you are— takes pity on the 
 colleen, an' makes the bla'gard aither marry her 
 or resthore the tathe at his own ixpinse, sor."— 
 Chicago Ledger. 
 
 " Soup !" exclaimed a convict in the Eichmond 
 county gaol a few days ago. " Who'd ate soup 
 to-day? This is Friday, man. I want fish." 
 
 "Fish!" exclaimed the keeper. "Do you 
 think you are in Delmonico's ? Take the official 
 grub or go hungry." 
 
 "Av yees don't give me fish every Friday, 
 begob, I'll lave the gSioV'—New York Sun. 
 
 A lawyer is like a tailor when he gets a suit, 
 and like a watch when he gets a case. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 217 
 
 THE DEVIL A RAP DID HE CARE. 
 
 Leon Schoenfeld is the French consul at 
 Chicago, and he has recently been amusing him- 
 self lifting trespassing little boys over his fence 
 by the ears. He tried this recently on the son 
 of a Mr. Sutherland, who happened to come up 
 at the time, and a fight was the result. In the 
 court where they appeared, Schoenfeld's attorney 
 said : 
 
 " I want to explain that Mr. Schoenfeld is the 
 representative of a foreign power, and his person 
 is inviolate." 
 
 "Faix," said the justice, "an' his person is 
 inviolate, is it ? Divil a rap do I care whether 
 it is in violet, or in red, or in black. Mr. Clerk, 
 enter up a fine of $10 forninst him for violatin' 
 the peace. We'll tache these forrin powers to 
 respect the laws of America. Call the next case." 
 — Chicago Herald. 
 
 " Can I see the judge ?" inquired a member 
 of the bar of the former's servant. "Not at 
 present ; he's at dinner." " But my business is 
 very important." "I cannot help it, sir; his 
 honour is at stesik:'— Tidbits. 
 
 A lawyer in Ohio has been debarred for steal- 
 ing sheep. The Ohio bar thinks the line should 
 be drawn somewhere. 
 
 If! 
 
218 splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 
 
 SEIZURE OF RATTAN MACHINE AT WOODSTOCK 
 
 ONT. 
 
 The Yaukees came down like the wolves on the fold, 
 
 With their Q.C. and constables, fearlesP and bold ; 
 
 And the ink on their writs was scarce drier^ dear me, 
 
 Than the eyes very soon of that M.P., Q.C. 
 
 Like a pair of new boots, when the streets are kept clean, 
 
 Were Q.C, and party at 8 a.m. seen ; 
 
 Like a pair of old boots, which no one would own. 
 
 Were they half an hour later out in the mud thrown. 
 
 For anti-monopoly gave them a blast. 
 And took a hand in, while the Yankees they passed. 
 And their eyes waxed as big as their lawyer's bill will, 
 And their hearts, with one heave, very nearly stopped still ; 
 And there lay Magee thro' the cab door quickly shied. 
 Quick through it he rolled and was landed outside ; 
 And the tails of his coat lay round on the turf, 
 And his boots flew about as if tossed by the surf. 
 
 And there lay the Q.C. all muddy, yet pale ; 
 On his stomach sat Hay— Jopp clutched his coat tail ; 
 And the Yankees were silent, their dodges made known, 
 The machines unabstracted, their plans overthrown. 
 And the Rattan monopolists took speedy leg bail. 
 And they carried their heads as a dog does his tail, 
 For the ways of these pirates, hitherto unexplored,' 
 And so rudely exposed, are not all aboveboard. 
 
 Moral. 
 Ye pirates from Yankee land, bear this in mind, 
 Your writs are no good with your wits left behind. 
 Ye constables, too, don't forget when you grab, 
 A machine in the hand is worth two in a cab. 
 And ye Q.C.s as well, don't straddle the fence, 
 Don't sacrifice principles for a paltry few pence. 
 Or you'll find like our friend, who was rolled in the street, 
 If you once lose your head that you can't keep your feet. 
 ^ — Scranton Grip. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 219 
 
 " I say sir, do you want to hire a boy, sir,'* 
 said a bright looking little fellow as he stepped 
 into a lawyer's office. " What can you do, sir ?'* 
 was the respondent's inquiry. " I can tell the 
 truth, sir," was the bright reply. " Don't want 
 you my little man ; my business can't stand truth 
 telling." «* Better take the boy," said a bystander, 
 '• I know him. When he says he can tell the 
 truth he Hes like blazes. He can't do it nor his 
 father before him either." Boy engaged on busi- 
 ness principles. — Ex. 
 
 Lawyer.— ''You say you made an examination 
 of the premises. What did you find ?" Witness.— 
 " Oh, nothing of consequence; a beggarly account 
 of empty boxes, as Shakespeare says." Lawyer. 
 ■—"Never mind what Shakespeare says. He 
 will be summoned and can testify for himself if 
 he knows anything about the case."— Bos^o^t 
 Transcript. 
 
 ^ Placard for a St. Louis Court : Any man criti- 
 cising this court is a liar and a coward. He 
 perishes at sundown. N.B.— This is a freak 
 country. 
 
 A judge has recently declared that a man's 
 residence is where he gets his washing done. 
 This is rough on the average bachelor.— iVew 
 trrleans Picayune. 
 
220 SPLINTERS ; OK, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 PEACEFUL WOESHIP. 
 
 POLICE -BARRISTER JOHN WAGNER IN BEHALF OF THE 
 SALVATION ARMY. 
 
 Justice Hawkinson held court at the (Jhicago 
 Avenue Station yesterday morning for Justice 
 George Kersten who was sick, John Wagner, 
 the German polibe-court light, always feels at 
 home when practising before Justice Hawkinson, 
 and he was engaged yesterd-ty in a case that 
 gave him peculiar exercise of this preiogative. 
 Two youths, John Hanson and Dan Carroll, had 
 been arrested for disturbing the Salvation Army's 
 meeting Tuesday night. John defended the 
 Salvationists in the following language: "It is 
 about time that we be allowed to worship our 
 Lord unmolested by toughs. Interference of 
 this kind by hoodlums of the street is seriously 
 detrimental to the holy cause of the religion pure 
 and undefiled as taught by Christ and preached 
 by our clients. His faithful followers and the 
 teachers of His revelation." 
 
 " Carroll," questioned Wagner, a tear in his 
 eye, "did you go into the house of God last night 
 for the purpose of worshipping your Lord or to 
 raise Hail Columbia ?" 
 
 "Not to disturb the meeting, anyway," an- 
 swered the hoodlum. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF OIOOLES. 221 
 
 Clara Jacobson, a meek aisle-guard, was the 
 complainant. She said the boys had made them- 
 selves obnoxious three nights. Carroll was the 
 leader. The court fined Carroll $25, and post- 
 poned the execution of the order on Carroll's 
 promise to give the Salvationists a wide berth. 
 Carroll bears a " hard " reputation among the 
 police. — Chicago Tribune. 
 
 CHICAGO WHISKEY. 
 
 NOT ENOUGH WATER IN IT FOR THE PEOPLE OF 
 
 INDIANA. 
 
 " I'm from Valparaiso, your honour," said a 
 tall, seedy looking, unkempt man in the Des-. 
 plaines street court-room yesterday, "and it'i a 
 shame that an Indiana gentleman can't walk 
 along the streets without being arrested." 
 
 " I'm afraid you had been drinking, my man," 
 said Justice White looking hard at the prisoner, 
 whose eyes had that glassy appearance peculiar 
 to a man just getting over the effects of a debauch. 
 
 "I drinking?" replied the Indianian ; "I'd 
 have you to know that I belong to the best part 
 of the people and never do anything to reflect 
 discredit upon my family." 
 
 The evidence against him was strong, and the 
 justice was about to enter a fine opposite bis name, 
 when he said: "Maybe it's Chicago whiskey 
 
 
222 
 
 SPLINTERS ; Oil, A GUIST OF OIOOLK8. 
 
 It dont a^roe with inc. I took two drinks of it, 
 and perhaps I may have appoarod a little leery! 
 If you'll let me go I won't touch a drop till I get 
 back to Valparaiso, where they water it so tliat a 
 man can't get drunk if he tried." " It would be 
 a good thing," said the Justice, as he marked 
 "discharged" against the culprit's name, "if 
 they'd put a little water in Chicago whiskey 
 You may gor~Cliicago Tribune. 
 
 A " BUM'S " COMPLAINT. 
 
 HE FAILS TO CONVINCE JUSTICE MEECH THAT HE 
 OUGHT TO ISSUE A WARRANT. 
 
 A man with ragged clothes and a face that 
 would make the fortune of any temperance 
 lecturer who would use him as a "horrible 
 example," hung over Justice Meech's desk fully 
 an hour, waiting for an opportunity to unload 
 himself of a story of sorrow, and misery, and 
 wrong. Finally his turn came. He leaned far 
 over the rail and singed the justice's mustache 
 with his breath, which came out in solid chunks 
 of decomposed alcohol. " I want a warrant, sir, 
 for a contemptible fellow, sir, who has dared to 
 heap unbearable indignities upon me— upon me 
 sir," he said. ' 
 
 ^'* What did he do ?" asked the justice. 
 "He struck me, sir, and threw me out of 
 Conners & Felton's saloon, sir, where I had gone 
 
.^ 
 
 8PLINTKUH ; on, A GRIST OP QIOOLES. 223 
 
 to listen to tlio mu&ie. I was (loin« nothing 
 except sipping my be r, when he approached me 
 in such a rude manner." 
 
 " Ha(hi't done a thing, eli ? Hadn't said any- 
 thing or interfered with any one, but the bar- 
 tender slugged you, in the vernaeuhir of the 
 street ? Didn't he ask you to go out lirst ?" 
 
 " No, sir." 
 
 " Didn't you ask him to give you a drink ?" 
 " No, sir." 
 
 " J)idn't you eat too much free lunch ?" 
 
 "No, sir." 
 
 "PIra-m; did you buy a drink?" 
 
 " Yea, sir ; and I paid for it." 
 
 " Before or after the bartender thrashed you?" 
 "After." 
 
 " I thought so ; you can't get a warrant," and 
 the psthetic but ill-favoured " bum " was ushered 
 out. — Chicago Tribune. 
 
 
 JUST BORROWED THE CLOTHES. 
 
 John Nelson, a coloured man, was ( aught walk- 
 ing off with a suit of clothes belonging to A. M. 
 Palmer, also a citizen of colour. He told 
 Justice Meech that he didn't intend to keep the 
 clothes— he just borrowed them to wear eight or 
 ten hours. He was held to the Criminal court 
 in $500 hail— Chicago Tribune. 
 
224 
 
 SPUNTEES; OB, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 A CHINAMAN. 
 
 WITHOUT GUILE AND WITHOUT HIS PAIBOn's SHIRTS. 
 
 Had Bret Harte been in Justice Eussell's 
 court yesterday he would have said with renewed 
 emphasis, "For ways that are dark and tricks 
 that are vain the heathen Chinee is peculiar." 
 No 233 w' rr/'^''"' J*""-'^ A. Murray of 
 
 In. ^J^ ^'"'"''" '''"'^ attempted to 
 reeover the value of some clothes which he had 
 
 Mt ui Lee Sing's laundry at No. 78 West 
 Mad.son street about six weeks ago. It seem 
 that the laundry was broken into and Murray's 
 clothes were among those stolen. When he went 
 to get them of course they were not to be found 
 Lee Sing knew this as well as any one, but 
 would not admit it. " Let me see tickee," said 
 he m response to a demand for the clothes. 
 Murray presented the ticket which Sing took 
 examined and in some mysterious manne; 
 caused to disappear. He looked blankly at the 
 claimant of the clothes for a second and then 
 went calmly about his work. 
 
 " I want my shirts ," said Murray 
 " Get me tickee," calmly replied the China- 
 man without moving a muscle. 
 
 " But I gave you the ticket,'^ protested Murray 
 who was beginning to get angry. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A OKIST OP GIGGLES. 225 
 
 «».lf' «o got.tickee," rejoined Sing, as he 
 calmly went on ironing a cuff ; " No tickee, no 
 
 1 hi .^■"™^ '^''' ""' " ^'''^'''" ='"'3 «'»'ed to 
 go behind the counter, but was met half-way by 
 
 Sing who had an axe in his hand. Murray 
 grabbed a chair and for a moment bloodshed 
 was .eminent. Murray finally beat a retreat, 
 determined to gain redress by a legal process! 
 When the case came up yesterday, J. Ah Hin 
 acted as interpreter. Whether his interpretation 
 was correct or not is uncertain, but at any rate 
 It was favourable to the defendant. "Ask the 
 witness," said a lawyer, pointing to Lee Sing, 
 what Murray did then?" The question was 
 asked and the laundry man replied, " Kali " 
 He pickee up chair and strikee me ovla headee " 
 was the interpretation given to this loconic 
 answer of the witness. The case was finally 
 deeded by Lee Sing's being fined |1. When 
 las seen the two Chinamen were looking for a 
 justice who would get out a warrant for Murray's 
 Mteat—Chimgo Tribune. ' 
 
 
 There was once a law in force in New England 
 forbiddmg a man to kiss his wife on Sunday. 
 An Idea of how ugly the wives were can be form- 
 ed when It IS stated that few men desire to violate 
 the law.-iV«i, Orlmm Pkm,une. 
 15 
 
226 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 THEY DIDN'T FIT. 
 
 A PRACTICAL JOKE AT THE EXPENSE OP ONE OF 
 COUNTY CLERK RYAN's DEPUTIES. 
 
 There was a strong odour of brimstone and 
 profanity in a certain department of the County 
 Court Clerk's office yesterday afternoon when 
 one of Mr. Eyan's deputies read a note which 
 was handed hiqa together with a package by a 
 messenger boy. The deputy, who is a big man, 
 took the package into Mr. Ryan's office and 
 opened it, and he was horrified to discover that 
 that it contained an old pair of Deputy Kirby's 
 No. 9 slippers. The fact is a job had been "put 
 up " on the big deputy by the clerks in the office. 
 The recipient of the package is a widower, and is 
 decidedly sweet on a pretty young woman on 
 the West Side. Thursday he bought a handsome 
 pair of No. 2 beaded slippers, which he placed in 
 a neat box, accompanied by a sealed note, 
 directed to his sweetheart, and he left the pack- 
 age in a vault while he was waiting for a mess- 
 enger. Arthur McGurren saw what was going 
 on, and himself and Kirby at once conceived a 
 diabolical practical joke for the benefit of the big 
 man. McGurran got the box, extracted the 
 pretty little slippers therefrom, and substituted 
 Kirby's decayed ''gunboats" for them. The 
 package was neatly tied up and replaced. The 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 227 
 
 young woman received the package last night, 
 but she didn't sleep much after she opened the 
 box, which was subsequent to reading the love- 
 note, one passage of which read : 
 
 " If the slippers do not fit your charming 
 little feet in every particular, take them back to 
 -—at No. — State street, where I got them, as 
 I have made arrangements for an exchange if 
 necessary." 
 
 It is understood that the young woman's note 
 acknowledging the gift and returning the same 
 was anything but amiable in tone, and the 
 match was declared - off " unconditionally. 
 Alter inspecting the contents of the box in disgust 
 the big man " cussed " everybody in the office 
 soundly, took his hat, jumped into a hansom, 
 and instructed the driver to go like sheol to a 
 certain number on West Adams street, where he 
 attempted to make an explanation of affairs to 
 his adored, but with what success is not known. 
 The clerks will give him the original slippers 
 to-day.~Chicago Tribune. 
 
 ;.( 
 
 A story which is too good to keep was told 
 yesterday en one of the police justices. A well 
 known man about town had been arraigned at 
 the P. J.'s bar for fast driving, and had been 
 fined $10 and costs. Being well known to the 
 justice and the clerk, the culprit was permitted 
 
228 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 to depart without paying. A few hours later the 
 justice and the late defendant were standing in 
 front of another bar. Both were discussing the 
 chance meeting they had enjoyed in the morning, 
 and the justice was profuse in his apologies to 
 his friend for having been compelled to treat him 
 with such severity. The friend, of course, 
 treated back to get even with the justice, as it 
 were. Finally they had to part after having 
 gladdened the l]^ar-keeper's heart by their liberal 
 discussion and prompt settlement of all matters 
 placed before them , but before saying good-by 
 the justice turned on his friend and sternly 
 emarked ; ** Now, look here, Joe, that fine must 
 
 be paid before Saturday afternoon, or by I 
 
 shall be obliged to suspend it." " Joe " does 
 not yet know whether to pay the fine, or risk its 
 suspension. — Chicago Tribune. 
 
 Before the scenes : Hero. — " Thus do I endow 
 thee with a royal ransom. Take this package. 
 Within it you will find $40,000, and if you need 
 more you have but to send word to my lawyer." 
 
 Behind the Scenes : Hero (who is also the 
 manager).— "I am very sorry, Lillie, but I can't 
 pay you your salary this week. Here is a dollar ; 
 make that go till we strike better business. 
 That's a good girl. —Rehoboth Sunday HeraW 
 
splinters; ok, a grist of giggles. 229 
 
 OUTSIDE THE JURISDICTION OF THE 
 
 COURT. 
 
 Judge (to witness making application for 
 divorce).-" What state were you in when you 
 married this woman, Mr. Jones ?" 
 
 Mr. Jones.— -At the particular time you 
 mention, I was in a state of imbecility, sir—" 
 
 Judge.— -And evidently have not emigrated 
 out of that state yet. Mr. Jones, your case is 
 dismissed ; you are in a state outside the juris- 
 diction of this court."— ^f. Louis Whip 
 
 u)im 
 
 
 DREW A KNIFE ON HIS WIFE. 
 
 ^ Patrick Ryan, of 334 Dashiel street, stood 
 before Justice Meech this morning, charged with 
 brutality toward his wife. His brother-in-law 
 said : 
 
 "He commenced to murder his wife, your 
 Honour." "^ 
 
 " What did he do ?" 
 
 " He's drinking, drinking, drinking," said the 
 wife, " and he drew a knife on me. He doesn't 
 support me, and has choked me, and said he'd 
 take me out for a mark to shoot at." Ryan was 
 fined $25.-~Ghicago Tribune, 
 
230 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 The Brantford Courier tells a story about 
 
 Chief Justice , which has its amusing side. 
 
 His lordship is well known in Brantford, it sa.vs 
 he having made his maiden legal speech there.' 
 Upon that occasion he appeared for a plaintiff 
 who had had his legs taken off on the railway 
 and so eloquent was his address that judge and 
 jury were both moved to tears. A verdict of 
 $25,000 was given against the railway— the 
 heaviest verdict ever delivered in Brantford 
 The amusing part of the story is that the legless 
 man after drawing his money in full left for the 
 
 States without paying Mr. his small bill of 
 
 costs. 
 
 Judges across the border are going to adopt 
 the wig and gown with the idea of giving more 
 tone to judicial proceedings. This is a move in 
 the right direction. The bench should be sur- 
 rounded by all possible dignity and impressment, 
 iivery wearer of the ermine in the States ought 
 to be robed in a style appropriate to his exalted 
 office, as 18 the case in this country and England 
 They ought also to buy their own tobacco and 
 
 quit beggmg from the lawyers and constables.— 
 Grip. 
 
 A newly married Texas man shot his bride 
 while she was mixing her first batch of biscuits. 
 His plea in court will probably be self-defence.— 
 Bismark Tribune. 
 
splinters; or, a grist of giggles. 231 
 
 HIRING A JUDGE TO ADVERTISE. 
 
 When the defendant took the stand his Honour 
 said : " Prisoner, you are charged with having 
 removed the goblet from the hand of the Cogs- 
 well Statue, substituting a pair of two-bit suspen- 
 ders, with a placard calling attention to your 
 establishment across the way." " Well shudge," 
 replied the oiTender with an ingratiating 
 smile, " of course I vants to get along in pees- 
 ness." "After which," continued the court, 
 sternly, " you substituted a lot of neckties for the 
 suspenders and attached to the other hand a lot 
 of bills referring to your new stock of gum shoes 
 and hair oil." " Dose hair oil is first rate, your • 
 Honour ;" said the defendant, " I vould like to sell 
 you a pottle." " And yesterday," continued the 
 court, consulting the indictment, " you obstruct- 
 ed the thoroughfare and created a disturbance 
 by placing a paper collar and a plug hat on the 
 statue in question." "Dose plug hats are 
 shoMp at $4,00, shudge ; Moses Levy sharge's 
 fife and a halef vor dem same kind," returned 
 the trader cheerfully, *' I beats dose fellers efery 
 dimes." "And at night," went on his Honour, 
 "at night it appears you placed in the figure's 
 hand a transparency containing a similar adver- 
 tisement of your wares. Now this is most 
 improper and reprehensible." "Dot's right; 
 shudge," said Mr. Solomons delightfully, "Bitch 
 
 m 
 
 .w. 
 
 ^u 
 
232 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 mto me if you blease, sbpeak loud, so dose noos- 
 paper vellers can hear you," and he smiled 
 benignantly upon the reporters. "Great 
 Heavens !" thundered the court as a frightful idea 
 struck bim, "Is it possible you have the audacity 
 to use the machinery of the court as an adver- 
 tismg dodge ?" " Dot's it, dots it, shudge," ex- 
 claimed the cheQ,p John rubbing his hands exult- 
 mgly, "I svore ouddei complaint my self. "—5a« 
 Francisco Post 
 
 " What's your business?" asked the judge of 
 a prisoner at the bar. " Well, s'pose you might 
 call me a locksmith, judge " "When did you work 
 last at your trade ?" " Last night, judge : when 
 I heard a call for the police, I made a bolt for 
 the door." — Grip. 
 
 Counsel for prisoner : "Now witness, did 
 you see the prisoner at the bar knock down the 
 deceased?" Yorkshireman : "No, sir; he was 
 ahve when I saw him knocked down."— Gn^. 
 
 A lawyer wrote "rascal" on the hat of a 
 brother lawyer, who on discovering it, entered 
 complaint in open court against the offender, 
 who he said had not only taken his hat, but had 
 also written his own name on it.~Grip. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 233 
 
 NEW WAY TO END AN OLD CASE. 
 
 A certain County Court Judge in Ontario was 
 once holding Divisional Court not far from 
 Ottawa. The list of cases was rather a long one, 
 and the judge was tired, clerk and counsel and 
 litigants had a hard and anxious time, as the 
 judge not only sat on the bench but sat upon the 
 cases and the parties and everybody most 
 impartially. At last a case of Smith v. Jones 
 was called. 
 
 "Your Honour," said the defendant's counsel, 
 " before anything is said by my learned friend, 
 before any evidence is given, I must protest 
 against this suit as an abuse of the process of the 
 court." " Tut, tut, tut," judicially remarked 
 his Honour, " what's the matter?" 
 
 'Tour Honour.this plaintiff has been non-suited 
 five times, and now has the colossal impudence 
 to bring his trumpery action once more before 
 the notice of this honourable court." 
 
 " Is this correct," said the judge to the plain- 
 tiff's counsel, '* that you have been non-suited 
 five times ?" 
 
 "Yes, your Honour," said the counsel for the 
 non-suited one, "but " 
 
 "But this thing has been going on long 
 enough," said his Honour, impatiently. ** I will 
 not allow it to continue any longer: verdict for 
 plaintiff with costs." 
 
 ■#f'i 
 
 (:; 
 
 ^;;|i 
 
 
 M-i 
 
 ii 
 
284 SPLINTERS ; on, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 — " commenced counsel 
 
 "But, your Honour- 
 for defendant. 
 
 "Snence. sir!" finishod the judge, "next 
 case I — Grip. 
 
 In a Court of Justice, not far from Williame- 
 port, ensued the following conversation not long 
 since: Judge: " Constaole, hunt up the crier 
 to open the court." Constable after an absence 
 of a few minutes returns and says : - Your Honour 
 the crier cannot cry to-day." - Why ?" angrily 
 asked the judge. - Because," returned the con- 
 stable, «'his wife is deadr—Grij). 
 
 A Dakota lawyer was recently arrested for 
 steahng wood, but such was the power of his 
 eloquence that he made the jury believe that he 
 was only walking in his sleep, and thought that 
 he was placing flowers on the grave of his first 
 wife. — Burlington Free Press. 
 
 ^ "Would the world be better without lawyers " 
 IS among the questions which the Varsity Liter- 
 ary Society will finally determine next session. 
 It would be richer at any rate— that is to say, 
 that portion of it which doesn't include the 
 lawyers. But I mustn't be suggesting or antici-' 
 patmg in this strife. Though of course it will 
 be quite right for all of us to understand that 
 the question refers to this world only.— Grip 
 
HPLINTEIIS ; OR, A GRIST OF 0IG0LE8. 285 
 
 ESSAYS BY LITTLE TOMMY.— No. 2. 
 
 THE LAWYER. 
 
 The lawer is the man wich you see every 
 mornen carryn a big bag down stret the bag is 
 a black one tho sum of em is hlu an sum is pink- 
 yung lawers carys them moren old fellers. Wots 
 into em i don't no but dad sez that its boots an 
 ol BOX an parcils for there house an so forth the 
 lawer hisself thinks its law books a lawer wud 
 ruther die then carry home a parcil cepting it 
 was in the bag lawers gives advice bout raorgiges 
 an such like an has a tuf name for tellin wot aint 
 BO my dad wunst went to lawer Jinks an got 
 advice an he had to pay moren ten 10 dols an all 
 the advice he giv him was your a ole fule George 
 Washington wos nere been a lawer wunst George 
 dad tole him to be a lawer but George wuddent 
 an his dad askt wy an George sed he cuddent 
 tell a lie an so his dad went away an sawed wood 
 an never asked him agin cos he seed it wasen no 
 go thats all i kno bout lawers. — Grip. 
 
 P 
 
 ■ I) I 
 
 MARY'S "PULL" NO USE. 
 
 " When did you come down, Mary ?" was the 
 first question put to Mary Manning as she 
 stepped up before Justice Murray, in the York- 
 ville Pohce Court this morning. 
 
236 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 " I never was arrested before, your Honour " 
 answered Mary. ' 
 
 " It was only last week that I gave you three 
 months on the Island," said Justice* Murray. 
 
 How do you get down so quick ?" 
 Mar^'^^ S""* ^ 'P"ll' with the keeper," replied 
 
 "Well," said his Honour, "your 'pull' won't 
 be any use this time. Six months on the Island • 
 and, officer, tell the keeper to give her a position 
 there." * 
 
 AN AMUSING SCENE IN A POLICE COUBT. 
 
 An amusing case was heard on Thursday by the 
 Liverpool Stipendiary Magistrate, Mr. liaffles. 
 It appeared that on Wednesday night a soung 
 man nauK d Abraham Amfinger went to the shop 
 of Mr. Beckitt, bootmaker, Stanley Koad, and 
 said he wanted a pair of lady's shoes. He was 
 supplied and then said he wished a pair of girl's 
 boots. These were given him, and he also 
 obtained a pair for himself. He then asked for 
 the bill, and said he would take it round to his 
 brother and come 1)ack for the boots. He had 
 previously told Mr. Beekitt's manager that he was 
 a Frenchman, and had only been over from France 
 two weeks. The manager's suspicio... were 
 
SPLINTERS ;, OR, A oRIST OF OiaOLES. 237 
 
 aroused, as now and then the man would break 
 out and speak as good English ae he (the 
 manager) could, so he followed him into a pawn- 
 shop. There he was about to pawn a pair of 
 boots which was recognized as belonging to Mr. 
 Beckitt, and which apparently he had concealed 
 under his coat. He was at once given into, 
 custody, and broug ' up at the police court on 
 Thursday morning. Mr. Baffles asked him what 
 his name was, and he replied "Hantford." His 
 Worship here remarked that on a ticket from the 
 Prisoners' Aid Society the name was stated to be 
 Amfmger. Mr. Raffles : "How do you spell vour 
 name?" Prisoner : "Me no understand." Mr.. 
 Bafflos: Are you French?" Prisoner: "What 
 you say ?" Mr. Baffles : ' « Parlez vous Fnincaise ? " 
 Prisoner: "Eh, what ?" Mr. Baffles : "Do you 
 hear me? Farlez voun Francaise f Prisoner: 
 "Me no speak English." Mr. Baffles : "It's not 
 English; it's French. What do you speak ?" 
 (Laughter.) Prisoner: "Me no understand Eng- 
 lish." Bridewell Keeper: "What are you?" Pris- 
 oner : " Me German." After the evidence had 
 been taken, Mr. Baffles asked the prisoner what 
 he had to say. Prisoner : "Me no speak English." 
 Mr. Baffles : " Oh, nonsense. You understand 
 well enough. Where did you get the boots?" 
 Prisoner : "Yes, nie shoemaker. Me make the 
 boots in Newcastle." Mr. Baffles : "Well, you are 
 committed to the sessions for trial." 
 
 ill 
 
 M 
 
238 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 FUNNY LIBEL CASE. 
 A remarkable libel ease was discusser^ before 
 
 Judge , the facts being somewhat as 
 
 follows: Mr. , of Berlin, a button mer- 
 chant, was the drawee of a bill of exchange, and 
 on maturity of the bill it was sent from an out- 
 side bank to the Merchants' Bank at BerHn for 
 presentment. On the bill was endorsed a request 
 not to protest, but if not paid to state reasons 
 
 for non-payment. At this time Mr. was 
 
 away travelling in the Western States, and the 
 clerk, who presented the bill at his place of busi- 
 ness, so reported at the bank, and endorsed the 
 
 reason of non-payment on the bill. Mr. , 
 
 the bank manager, possibly in a facetious 
 spirit, added to the clerk's endorsement the words, 
 " Or in San Francisco, or in the Eocky moun- 
 tains," and returned the bill to the payee or 
 
 drawer. Mr. claims that these words 
 
 were libellous, the inuendo being that he had 
 absconded, and has brought action for damages. 
 
 ^^^- > of Berlin, yesterday supported a 
 
 demurrer to the claim, on the ground that the 
 words were not of a libellous nature, and are 
 
 not actionable. Mr. appeared for Mr. 
 
 . His lordship was not clear that the 
 
 words were inactionable, and thought them cer- 
 tainly unnecessary. He refused to allow the 
 demurrer, and the case will go to trial.— Toronto 
 Mail. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 239 
 
 An uptown musician visited a William street 
 lawyer yesterday to ask if he could not get out 
 an injunction to compel a certain piano player 
 in his neighbourhood to desist from her daily and 
 nightly steeplechases over the keys of a worn- 
 out instrument. ** It is an extraordinary case," 
 said the musician, solemnly, when the lawyer 
 laughed at his odd question. " I do not mind 
 any amdunt of banging or hammering on an in- 
 strument, if the person will only finish the piece 
 he or she may be playing. But to have one 
 break off suddenly and leave me in suspense is 
 aggravating beyond endurance." 
 
 " I do not exactly understand you," began the 
 lawyer, but the other interrupted him. 
 ** Are you a musician ?" he asked. 
 " No. I don't know one note from another. I 
 have no soul for music." 
 
 " Ah, I see. Of course you cannot understand 
 my case. I must find another lawyer. You do 
 not know that there is such a thing as ' gettting 
 home ' in music. Neither does this woman who 
 annoys me know it, or she would not break off as 
 she does. I cannot work in jieace, for her broken 
 melodies keep me constantly running to my own 
 instrument in order that 1 may finish them for 
 her. 0, if she would only get home, only get 
 home, I could bear with anything else and pur- 
 sue my calling with a contented mind." ' 
 
 ;.i L'i 
 
 liJI 
 
 Ln 
 
 '■(i 
 
 *t'ii 
 
240 
 
 81-UNTEB8 ; OE, A GBIST OP OIGOLES. 
 
 ting hlrr-"'°"'^ '■'''* ^"""'^-•^y* g«'- 
 
 "0, it is just as if you start out from vonr house 
 
 *ey of c, and stray from your course, and sud- 
 
 standmg ear.s unsatisfied and waits impatiently 
 «-« your return. I cannot make it simpler. Do 
 
 I must find hnp at once."-.V.» York Tri- 
 
 Hostetter McGinnis is one of the most lucky 
 men in Texas. If he takes a chance at a rafiie 
 
 drin'LT \ r, '' '^^ "'™- "- " 
 drmks somebody else has to pay for them Not 
 
 lorig since a New York lawyer said to McGmnis 
 Lend me $75. I'd rather borrow money from 
 you than any friend I've got." 
 _•' Why do you prefer to borrow from me ?" " 
 Because you have such good luck that I really 
 believe you would get your money paid back! 
 although I never did such a thing in Ly life -• 
 
 As luck would have it, Hostetter did not have 
 a^^t of money with him at the time.-r..«. 
 
SPLINTERc; ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 241 
 
 WHERE IS THE DIVORCE COMPANY? 
 
 There was considerable hilarity in postmaster 
 Judd's office yesterday, when that official had 
 finished opening his letters. He laughed all over 
 when he stepped out of his room and placed the 
 followmg epistle before his private secretary. 
 This IS a verbatim copy of the letter : 
 
 ** August *he 31 1685 
 "postmaster 
 '' Dear sir will you please give me the full ad- 
 dress of the company that grants bills divuurses 
 so cheap from 10 to $15 rite soon and oblige me 
 "yoars truly 
 
 " Miss E. Lamphier 
 "Bridgeton 
 
 " !f '^"'' ""^ „ " Newaygo 
 
 "B. H. Letch." "Mich Co " 
 
 The postmaster was puzzled all day over this 
 letter. He wondered if Chicago was wicked 
 enough to harbour a company granting divorces 
 for less than a decent lawyer's fee, and was at a 
 loss to understand what interest a " Miss " would 
 have in the divorce business. But the letter 
 broke the monotony of the postmaster's official 
 life, and Miss Lamphier has certainly caused 
 great amusement to overworked officials, even if 
 she has not succeeded in finding out where 
 divorces may be had for $10 or $U.-Chicago 
 Tribune, 
 16 
 
 1 
 
242 SPLINTfJRS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 THE JUSTICE WOULD NOT SIGN. 
 
 A TEMPERANCE LECTURER WHO ATTEMPTED TO OBTAIN 
 THE SIGNATURE OP A POLICE MAGISTRATE TO A 
 PLEDGE. 
 
 When Robert Armstrong's name was called in 
 Justice Ingersoll's court yesterday a tall, red- 
 . faced man made his way into the dock. He was 
 dressed in a very shiny broadcloth coat, buttoned 
 high up to hide his lack of a shirt. In hia right 
 hand he carried a battered silk hat, which he 
 occasionally polished with his coat-sleeve. 
 
 " You are charged with being drunk and dis- 
 orderly ; guilty or not guilty?" chanted the 
 clerk. 
 
 The tall man deposited his hat on the railing, 
 pulled down his sleeves, and remarked with dig- 
 nity, " Whatever I have to say will be said to 
 his Honour. Judge, this is mockery— the irony 
 of fate, I am a temperance lecturer. My life is 
 given to battling with the demon of drink. God 
 forbid, your Honour, that I should ever touch it. 
 God forbid that you should ever taste it. judge, 
 for it stings like a serpent and bites like an ad- 
 der. Judge, your Honour, it was the irony of fate 
 that brought me here." 
 
 " I understand that it was two officers and the 
 patrol-wagon that brought you here," said the 
 court. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 243 
 
 " That is true, your Honour, and it is a libel 
 on our civilization, judge." 
 
 " I'll make it $5 and costs-the Bridewell needs 
 a temperance lecturer." 
 
 " I will go, judge, I will go," remarked the 
 tall man, producing a pledge, " but I would like 
 jour signature to this, judge. It would help me 
 m mj work, your Honour. I don't insinuate 
 anythmg sir, but think of the ruined homes, the 
 blighted lives, the gray " 
 
 ^'^' Take that man out," shouted the court. 
 
 " This is not the end, sir ; you shall hear from 
 the prohibition party, sir; the martyr suifers, 
 
 DUt 
 
 The rest was lost.— Chicago Tribune. 
 
 lel 
 
 m 
 
 Lawyer Allan C. Story and Judge Brien, coun- 
 sel for Carter Harrison in the famous mayoralty 
 contest case, were taking things easy yesterday 
 afternoon, when a reporter looked in upon them 
 Anything new in the contest case?" the reporter 
 queried. 
 
 "Well," responded Story, with a smile ''we 
 , are working to find out whether we have a law- 
 suit to defend or not. The last we heard of the 
 other side was that they had hauled their bill 
 into a dry-dock for repairs. We hit that old 
 hull of theirs below the waterline. "—C/^ica^o 
 Tribune. 
 
 W'i 
 
 pi 
 
244 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 JUDGE PRENDERGAST. 
 
 A reporter undertook a pilgrimage last night 
 to Judge Prendergast's house. The judge came 
 down with a weary look upon his face. - Your 
 efforts/' ventured the reporter, "to securearuling 
 upon the election law seem to be thwarted by the 
 Supreme Court. It is said there is a tie." 
 
 *• I do not understand so," he replied " AH I 
 know is from a dispatch that was shown me. intima- 
 ting that the couH is not ready to decide the ques- 
 tion. It often happens that a serious question is 
 held under consideration for . length of time." 
 • What significance do you attach to th,. stand 
 taken by the court ?" 
 
 " Have you your note-book with you ?" 
 The reporter confessed he had one, which 
 however, he seldom used upon such occasions. ' 
 ^ou must use it now," said the judge - for 
 I will only consent to be ' interviewed ' to the 
 extent of what I dictate, word for word. Take 
 your pencil and I will tell you what to write " 
 The reporter obediently wrote after him • 
 " When spoken to on the subject. Judge Pren- 
 dergast said-put this in quotation marks-' It 
 would be manifestly improper for me to say a 
 word on the subject at this time.' " 
 
 "There," said the judge, - there you have all 
 that I can consent to say by the way of inter- 
 view." "^ 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 245 
 
 The reporter suggested that any obstacle inter- 
 posed by the Supreme Court to the speedy deci- 
 sion sought by him would meet with little favour 
 from the people, and that it was rumoured that 
 he (Judge Prendergast) would vacate his order 
 but to no effe.t ; the judge was polite but reti- 
 cent. — Chicago Tribune. 
 
 ^ Officers Marks and O'Brien yesterday made a 
 descent upon the second-hand store of N New- 
 mann, at No. 1436 State street, where they had 
 good reason to suppose stolen goods could be 
 found. They found nothing until they com- 
 menced to pull down clothing from the shelving 
 when they discovered an immense number of 
 stonecutter's tools. Newmann, who had been 
 watching the search with great interest, all the 
 time protesting that he - vash an hones' man. 
 s help me Moses," drew in along breath, and 
 gulped his heart down into place, and dropped 
 helplessly into a chair. - S'help me, gurrashus t" 
 he exclaimed, " I only puds dem under de glo- 
 dings to geep de rust off, shentlemen ; shust 
 tageep de rust off. It cost too much mon- 
 rush to keep 'em oiled. Ikey, gome dell de 
 shentlemens vy ve geep de snisels under de glo- 
 dmgs. 0, Father Abraham, dey dakes me for a 
 tiet ! And the honest tradesman gave way to 
 
 ' A 1 
 
 
246 SPLmTEM ; OE, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 his feelings. But his protestations were in vain. 
 A patrol wagon was called, the tools piled in, and 
 Newmann taken to the armoury. There were 
 
 fied at the station, had been stolen for more than 
 a year. On the handles of the chisels and otter 
 
 ^Lawyer : '• For the life of me I can't see what 
 attraction people find in this stupid game of ba - 
 ball. Some day I think I'll go out to see them 
 make fools of themselves." 
 
 Merchant : " The idea of sane men going 
 ora.y over such a thing. Seems to me the fool 
 killer IS badly needed now-a-days " 
 
 at r^h ' ^ uf '"'''• ^"'"^ •• '^^^ S'-^-'d stand 
 at b base-ball grounds. La ,vyer (tossing his hat 
 in the a,r and yelling like a Sioux brave) • " ffit 
 down come along - Dad bing my American heart 
 why don't you run. Mulligan ?" 
 
 Merchant : ■« Shoot the umpire I cut his heart 
 out ! let me get at him." «. 
 
 Policeman : " Say, you old duffers, we don't 
 want any of this here hoodlum business here 
 
8. 
 
 in vain, 
 in, and 
 re were 
 ndenti- 
 re than 
 d other 
 Chicago 
 
 what 
 
 f base- 
 
 them 
 
 going 
 e fool- 
 stand 
 is hat 
 "Git 
 leart, 
 
 heart 
 
 » 
 
 3on't 
 bere. 
 Icago 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 247 
 
 New York, Sept. 5.- [Special.] —David Dudley 
 Field is writing for delivery, at the next meeting 
 of the New York Bar Association, an address on 
 the professional duty of lawyers in giving advice 
 to criminals. It has generally been held that a 
 man on trial ought to have all his rights defended 
 by his counsel, no matter whether he be guilty 
 or not ; but Mr. Field, taking the case of Tom 
 Davis for a text, will maintain that it is unpro- 
 fessional to instruct an unarrested swindler just 
 how to so conduct his robberies as to be legally 
 safe. It transpires that Davis was under the law 
 guidance of regular counsel, under whose advice 
 he defied the law and robbed his dupes for more 
 than ten years. The association will be asked 
 by Mr. Field to lay down d, rule on this subject. 
 Chicago Tribune. 
 
 " They don't seem to have much regard for 
 the law down in West Virginia," said Quickwit, 
 looking over the top of his paper at his wife. 
 "What makes you think so?" she asked. "There's 
 a man down there who has a foot thirteen and a 
 half inches long, and the law only allows twelve 
 inches in a foot, you know."— C/iica^o Tn- 
 bune. 
 
 *. ' 
 
 -i?l 
 
248 SPMTEBB; OB, a oribt of oiooles. 
 
 DAKOTA-EXCITING SCENE IN THp u^^> 
 QDIS DE JIOEES' TEIAL-A Lmn 
 AREESTEB FOE CONTEMPT ^ 
 
 livfliXtne'^f •' f ^'"- '^-f Special] . - The 
 mu r tir '/ °° *»•« Marquis de Mores' 
 
 murder tral was witnessed to-day. A witness 
 for he defence had been cross-examined b the 
 
 B£and_ The judge was about to dismiss the jury 
 for the noon hour, when the district attorfe^^ 
 
 ae De lecalled. The court asked him if he bad 
 
 in «:"//"V'^ """"^' '" """^'^ he re;ii d 
 L h "^Vr"^"- Tbe judge then told him 
 that he could not recall the witness, as he had 
 been discharged, but could place h m on the 
 s and as a witness for the prosecution. To tWs 
 r^g the attorney took exception and argued 
 with the judge, who rapped him down. The 
 attorney then sprang to his feet and defied the 
 
 cae and almost went so far as to call the judge 
 a liar. The judge called for the sheriff and had 
 the counsellor lodged in jail for contempt. Dur 
 
 tator This afternoon the offending attornev 
 was brought into court, but refused to'aplg™! 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF OIOGLES. 249 
 
 and the judgn held him under arrest, but gave 
 him hberfcy on his own recognizance. The court 
 adjourned until to-morrow. The case is pro- 
 gressing slowly and the Marquis shows signs of 
 t&tigue.^Cliicago Tribune. 
 
 WOULD YOU STAND IT ? 
 
 At the police court yesterday a short and one- 
 eyed individual named John Franer was arraign- 
 ed on a charge of having assaulted Frank Coyle 
 when he pleaded guilty, and exijlained tl. %t Coyle 
 had been fighting with a woman, and while he 
 was trying to act as peacemaker he was throttled 
 plugged in the blind eye, and knocked down' 
 Growmg indignant, he raised his deep and so- 
 norous baritone and fiercely exclaimed : 
 
 •' Would you stand that, your worshin? Would 
 any man stand it ?" 
 
 "Well, what did you do?" asked the magis- 
 trate. 
 
 ''Nawthing," replied the witness, suddenly 
 becommg meek. Arid the court had just breath 
 enough left- to discharge the man who had so 
 fiercely vindicated his homnr.-Toronto Neics. 
 
 Prisoner : " I haven't done nothink." Mr 
 Justice Grove : - H'm, so the witnesses say. 
 Well, don't do it again." 
 
 4M| 
 
260 SPLINTERS ; OR, A OUIST OF OIOOLES. 
 
 * 
 
 WANTED HIS FOUR DOLLARS. 
 
 Charles Harris, an ebony tough, came before 
 Justice White yesterday charged with malicious 
 mischief. It was said that he had sent a stone 
 through the plate glass window at Munger's 
 laundry, No. 518 West Madsion street. 
 
 " Yes, sah, I done it. D'aint no soht a use 
 d'nien' it. But jus' lemme 'splain de case. Dis 
 yeah man, he's done owed me fo' dollahs, an' I 
 can't git dat fo' Aollahs nohow. He's manager 
 ob de place, ye know. I done asked him fur dat 
 fo' dollahs respeckful, an' he honted me, sah." 
 
 *' Why did they do that ?" asked the court. 
 
 " Doan know, sah ; reckon dey's all atryin' to 
 kill me. Dey's all agin me; hontin' me wid 
 guns, an' totin' razahs after me " 
 
 *' Take him down-stairs," said the justice ; 
 " this is not the court for insane." — Chicago 
 Tribune. 
 
 Belkins (to his friend Cobbleton) : " I hear that 
 you have married your washerwoman ?" Cob- 
 bleton : ** Yes." B. : " What on earth prompted 
 you to so lower yourself?" C. : "Well it was 
 this way : I owed her for washing. Said that 
 if I didn't pay her she would sue me. Mar- 
 ried her to prevent litigation. Now she'll never 
 get a penny." 
 
SPLINTKI18 ; on, A GR18T OF OIOOLKS. 251 
 
 THE PHYSICIAN AND THE LAWYER. 
 
 A doctor and a lawyer, who olmnced to meet one day, 
 
 Fell diaputinj^, and wore soon enf»aged in (luitoa wi>rdy fray. 
 
 The physician olai"'od that he belonged to quite a grand 
 
 profession, 
 And in his argu nf nt let C -op full many a warm expreflsion. 
 
 The legal limb «.:■> r.otcle'^ at the way the other spoke ; 
 He was proud of b ^ uf. the tribe of Littleton and Coke. 
 He upheld the honour of his class, n ■(! i)rai8ed it to the skies, 
 The doctor argued that it was a class that dealt in lies. 
 
 Says he, " You take up any case ; you argue pro and con ; 
 As long as fees are paid, you do not care whicli side you're on. 
 You try to prove that black is white ; you do not care indeed 
 If truth or falsehood you uphold, if but you may succeed. 
 
 " This must affect your morals ; to me it is plain, then, 
 That the business of a lawyer don't make angels out of men." 
 "Well, doctor," said the barrister, " in that I much opine 
 That the medical profession's just the opposite of mine. 
 
 " For were it not for doctors there'd be six of every seven 
 •• Of men who still would be on earth who're angels now in 
 
 heaven." 
 And so the quarrel dropped. I think by many 'twill be 
 
 guessed 
 That of the verbal f usilade the lawyer had the best. 
 
 — Grip. 
 
 Counsel : " Then you think he struck yon with 
 malice aforethought ?" Witness (indignantly) : 
 " You can't mix me up like that. I've told you 
 twice he hit me wid a brick. There wasn't no 
 mallets nor nothin' of the kind about." — Grip. 
 
 Pi 
 
252 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 HE KNEW HIM. 
 
 " Did you arrest that fellow I put you on to ?" 
 asked a grocery-keeper of a policeman. 
 
 ** Yes, and the judge nailed him." 
 
 " Was he found guilty ?" 
 
 •♦ Yes." 
 
 ''What did he do?" 
 
 ** Paid the penalty, of course." 
 
 "What was it ^" 
 
 ** Work-house for thirty days." 
 
 " Well, it's a good thing it wasn't a grocery 
 bill, or he would have hung before he paid it. I 
 know the snoozer." — Merchant Traveller. 
 
 The value of services rendered by skilled 
 workmen should not be calculated by the time it 
 takes to perform the task. Allowance should be 
 made for the weeks and months spent by thor- 
 ough workmen in learning how to do their work 
 well. This knowledge has its money value. 
 While Judge Tracy was on the circuit, going from 
 court his trace broke. The judge spent over a 
 holf-hour trying to mend, it, but to no purpose. 
 His patience was exhausted, and he expressed 
 his vex tion in words. A negro came along, and 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 253 
 
 the judge told him of his trouble. The negro 
 let out the trace, cut a hole in it, and the job 
 was done. "Why," said the judge, "could I 
 not have thought of that ?" " Well, marster," 
 said the negro, " don't you kno \ some folks is 
 jest naturally smarter than t'others ?" " That's 
 so," said the judge ; " what shall I pay you 
 for fixing my trace ?" " Well, marster, fifty 
 cents will do," said the negro. " Fifty cents ?" 
 said the judge, " you were not five minutes at 
 it." " I do not charge you fifty cents for doing 
 it," said the negro, " I charge you twenty-five 
 cents for doing it and twenty-five cents for know- 
 ing how to do it." 
 
 U-l 
 
 A PAEADISE. 
 
 It is a difficult matter to impress upon the 
 mind of the rural man of Arkansas the necessity 
 of paying immediate attention to the heathen. 
 During a camp meeting in Saline County, a 
 preacher from Little Eock made an eloquent ap- 
 peal in favour of the poor wretch who eats harm- 
 less missionaryinstead of eating hurtful bulk pork 
 When the preachor had concluded, an old ex- 
 horter arose and said : — 
 
 " Brethren, I've been might'ly interested in 
 this 'lectioneerin' for the heathen, an' I would 
 now like to know something about him." 
 
264 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 Then addressing the minister, who had just 
 taken his seat, the exhorter said : — 
 
 " Brother, I would like to ask you a few ques- 
 tions. The boys all say that they are waitin' 
 to see what stand I take, so you won't object to 
 a few questions, will you ?" 
 
 " Certainly not." 
 
 "Thankee. Wall, now, how's politeness in 
 the heathen's country ?" 
 
 " He knows nothing of politeness." 
 ** Ah, hah ! Wall, how's the question o' capi- 
 tal and labour?" 
 
 " There's no capital— no labour." 
 
 " No strikes ?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Got no canderdates ?" 
 
 " No candidates." 
 
 " Don't have to wear no clothes, if I under- 
 stand the situation ?" 
 
 " They have no clothes." 
 
 " No lawyers there, I reckon ?" 
 
 " No lawyers." 
 
 " Avail, parson, that's the country I'm lookin' 
 fur, an' ef a emergration agent was to come here 
 he'd ketch every sensible man in Saline county. 
 Boys, I don't think we ken give Mr. Heathen 
 anything. It would be as foolish as haulin' 
 water an' pourin' it in the river."— ^r^asaw; 
 Traveller. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLKS. 255 
 
 IKISH IIEPUBLICaNISM. 
 
 Irish landlord : " How dare you speak in that 
 manner. Do you know who I am ?" Pat : 
 ** And who may your honour be ?" Landlord : 
 " I am Knight, Baron Knight, and Knight of the 
 Garter." Pat : " Then I'll have you to know 
 that I am Patrick Murphy to-night, to-morrow 
 night, and the night after."— Grip. 
 
 ) 
 
 li 
 
 The young lawyer stood up for the first time to 
 address an expectant jury— a jury all attention. 
 If one may except five or six busily engaged fight- 
 ing a good fight with the deadly horsefly ; one or 
 two others who were in an attitude suggestive of 
 sleep ; two who appeared to be playing tick-tack- 
 toe, and another looking on. Excepting these 
 four all appeared to be interested in the proceed- 
 ings of the court. 
 
 Thfe judge sat upright, with a stern, Brutus- 
 like look on his face, a cast in his left eye, and a 
 deformity in his left leg; thft latter member, how- 
 ever, being out of sight, did not affect the jury. 
 
 After a patronizing look from the judge, who, 
 on account of the aforesaid cast, could not look 
 otherwise, his right eye being glass, a sleepy 
 yawn from one of the jurymen, and a look of 
 
256 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 expectation from the plaintiff (she was a woman 
 endeavouring to heal her lacerated feelings, torn, 
 alas ! in an encounter with a youthful swain of 
 some 75 summers), the young lawyer rising now 
 on his feet opened his mouth and prepared to 
 address the jury. 
 
 " Gentlemen of the jury," he said and reiter- 
 ated—he could get no further, his feelings over- 
 came him, more especially as his notes were lost, 
 and he stopped. After a time he proceeded : 
 •* Fellow citizen^, you are all honourable men." 
 At this one of the honourable men snored, the 
 judge awoke, the crier jhouted order, and he 
 went on ; " This young female (she was 36) de- 
 mands compensation, and she must have it. If 
 not, your youthful daughters, yet unborn, are 
 liable to be torn out of their cradles, and led 
 astray by unprincipled villains." (Subdued ap- 
 plause ; female crying). 
 
 " Gentlemen, I need say no more. My feel- 
 ings o'erpower me. You see the plaintiff. She 
 speaks for herself." The plaintiff being cross- 
 eyed, red-haired, and otherwise deformed, kept 
 silent, bat cast her eyes (or intended to cast them) 
 heaven-ward. 
 
 The lawyer sat down, the jury retir.u, brought 
 in a verdict ordering the defendant to pay $100 
 as a thank-offering for having been fortunate 
 enough to escape the plaintiff's clutches. {Exe- 
 unt omnes). — Grip. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OB, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 257 
 
 H i 
 
 A MOST EEMARKABLE CASE. 
 
 JUDGE CLOUGH OF CALIFORNIA RESIGNS WHILE INSANE, 
 AND HAVING RECOVEREP, WANTS HIS OFFICE BACK. 
 
 San Francisco, Cal.;, Sept. 16.— [Special.] — 
 One of the strangest cases in the history of the 
 bench has just been developed in this city. 
 Several weeks ago Judge Cxough of the Superior 
 Court became insane, and was duly committed 
 to the asylum at Stockton. There was consider- 
 able discussion at the time in legal circles as to 
 how his place on the bench could be filled, there 
 being no provision of the constitution or the code 
 which created a vacancy in the case of a judge 
 going mad. The difficulty was apparently solved 
 by the resignation of the judge, written, as every 
 one supposed, during a lucid interval, but now it 
 turns out that he was quite insane when he sign- 
 ed the paper. Within the last few days he has 
 recovered his reason sufficiently to attend to his 
 business, and he declares he has no recollection 
 of his resigning liis judgeship. The fact -is that 
 his wife, justly believing that he could be better 
 cared for at home than in the asylrun, took him 
 from Stockton, with the assent of the doctors, but 
 without a certificate of recovery ; that after his 
 arrival in this city, at the request of the clerk of 
 the court his wife induced him to sign the resig- 
 nation, it being understood between her and the 
 
258 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GIJIST Oi CH0.1LE8. 
 
 clerk that :he should rotain the pn poi for a cortaih 
 length of 1 ime, and, in the event of the judge's 
 recovery, should desiroy it, but that if he got no 
 better she shv uld sen 1 it to the govornor. Ho 
 got no better, she forworderl it to the State Cciyi- 
 taJ, and the governor appointed Waiti}x Lk\y 
 jadge in his place. Clough, however, inmediately 
 hegm to improve and is now sane. The politi- 
 <>a.l vode of the State declares that a person of un- 
 fcOiiid mind can make no con\fiyance or other 
 contract, nor y^Mve any right, until his restora- 
 tion to sanity. Mrs. Clough tetiifies the judge 
 was insane when he signed the resignation, and 
 he confirms the statement by averring that he 
 has no recollection of the circumstance. He is, 
 therefore, to all intents and purposes still judge 
 of the superior court, and there was no vacancy 
 for Gov. Stoneman to fill. Walter Levy is not 
 and never was judge of the superior court, and 
 unless the lawyers should decide that his acts as 
 such, when he believed himself to be the right- 
 ful incumbent of the office are valid, all the pro- 
 ceedings taken before him are null and void.— 
 Chicago Tribune. 
 
 Judge: "Prisoner, have you -^ver been sen- 
 tenced before?" Prisoner: " li obliged for 
 your Honour's friendly inqiv'ry. .bout a couple 
 of ye: agoyour Honour har^ :r ,;oodnessto give 
 me twelve months ."—Flieg em Blatter. 
 
• It 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 259 
 
 W. S. Gilbert, in a letter to the London Times, 
 says : " For my part, I could never quite under- 
 stand the prejudice against burglars. An un- 
 arrested burglar gives employment to innumer- 
 able telegraph clerks, police officers, railway offi- 
 cials, and possibly also to surgeons, coroners, 
 undertakers, and monumental masons. As soon 
 as he is in custody the services of a whole army 
 of solicitors, barristers, judges, grand and petty 
 juryr .en, reporters, governors of jails, and prison- 
 wardens are called into requisition. Really, the 
 burglar does more good than harm." 
 
 A year or more ago Mr. Storrs was discussing 
 the merits of a case in which he was to appear for 
 the defence. It was in the reading-room of the 
 Leland hotel, and the attorney for the other side 
 came in and joined the conversation by remark- 
 ing ; " I see, Storrs, you hate to meet the truth 
 of the matter." '' Cousin," Emory said, quickly : 
 " I never do meet the truth ; I and the truth al- 
 ways travel in the same direction."— C%ic«^o 
 Tribune. 
 
 The late Emory A. Storrs is said never to have 
 worn a necktie a second time. 
 
260 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 Another Hayes picture given by Storrs was in 
 an account of his taking lunch at the Hayes' man- 
 sion in Freemont. Said Storrs : " It was a royal 
 banquet. At one end of the table sat Rutherford, 
 with a plate of chipped beef in front of him. At 
 the other end was Lucy, with some baked apples 
 and bread. In front of me sat Schuyler Colfax. 
 Between us was a pitcher of ice- water." 
 
 He was one of the prominent figures at Sara- 
 toga every season. He always made it a point 
 to spend the first two weeks of August there. 
 He had all the vivacity and uneasiness of the 
 typical Frenchman. He would fly from group 
 to group, with a story here and an epigram there, 
 not caring to indulge in serious conversation 
 when he was off for a holiday. Occasionally, 
 when attacked, he would respond with somethng 
 more than the light humour of his vacation time. 
 One day a group of millionaires, who were sitting 
 on the piazza of the United States Hotel, began 
 . to chaff Storrs in a solemn fashion. He had just 
 confessed to them that he was not worth any 
 money, and that he had spent everything that he 
 had made as fa^t as he got it. Suddenly he turned 
 upon one of his would-be tormentors and began : 
 " You rich fellows appear to think that money- 
 making is an intellectual process, and that the 
 wealth acquired by you proves that you are a very 
 superior kind of men. You are very much mis- 
 taken. There is nothing intellectual about acquisi- 
 
SPLINTKltS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLKS. 261 
 
 tiveness. 1 1 is merely an animal trait. It is less 
 liighl.v developed in you, gentleman, than it is in 
 the chipmunk. The heaver is very much your 
 superior in this regard. Where are the rich men 
 in hintory ? There are two only who live in the 
 legends of literature— Dives, who survives on ac- 
 count of his fortunate connection with a pauper, 
 and Croesus, because his name has been used by 
 poets merely as a synonym. Gentlemen, where 
 are the stockholders who built the Parthenon ? 
 Doubtless in their day they sat around in Athens 
 and spoke of the fine work that Phidias was 
 doing for them. But, gentlemen, where are tho 
 stockholders to-day, and where is Phidias?" 
 He went on in this quaint way for full half an 
 hour, and when he had finished even the mil- 
 lionaires did not seem to think that they had had 
 the best of it—Chicago Tribune. 
 
 One of the intimate friends of Gen. B. F. Br.f;- 
 ler said to me the night of the Puritan-Genesid, 
 race : " Do you know how Butler came into pos- 
 session of the yacht America ? No, of- course 
 you don't, for it has never been told. I had it 
 from Butler himself. A man came into his office 
 in V\ ,shington one day and said : ' My name is 
 Lamar. I've got a cotton claim against the gov- 
 ernment for $200,000. It's as straight as a 
 
 ii i 
 
 i| 
 
262 
 
 ni'ir 
 
 Its; OR, A 0RI8T OF OIOQLES. 
 
 stnng. Butlneedyonrhelptorollectit.' 'Leave 
 the papers and call to-morrow,' said the general 
 Lamar was a relative rf ^^e present secretary of 
 the mterior. IIo called next day. ' Yoii have a 
 clear case,' said T^utler ; ' I'll collect it for 20 per 
 cent.' ' That is 5 per cent, less than I expected 
 to pay,' said Lamar ; ' so I shall be liberal. I'll 
 tell you what I'll do. I owned a yacht, which 
 the government seized. It's over at the navy- 
 yard. I can't get possession of it without a more 
 expensive fight tl^an it is worth. If you win this 
 claim I'll give you r bill of sale of that -acht in 
 addition to 20 per cent.' The ( ^aim was duly 'al- 
 lowed. Lamar got a cheque for $200,000 and 
 Butler got $40,000 and a bill of sale of the yacht. 
 It was in Secretary Robeson's time. Butler 
 walked down to the office of the secretary of the 
 navy one day, and sr^id to Lobeson : ' You've got 
 myb, I an,l I wai it.' Robeson was nearly 
 frantic. ' Look here, Butler,' he pleaded, ' there s 
 already a heap of talk about mv department, and 
 if 1 let you have this , oat, right or wrong, it will 
 make an awful howl. 'Iwant my bopt,' was 
 Butler's stubborn repi. A naval offic sat in 
 the office and hta i tl stalk. He nallygotup 
 and ma^ie signs o Lutler to follov him out 
 When tbe general did so the officer suid : ' Gene- 
 ral, there's an easy way out of this. Bu v the boat 
 at auction. There's lead enough in the bottom 
 to pay the purchase price. If you insist on hav- 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 203 
 
 inp your property they will strip her of l..illast. 
 Besides, if you huy it there can be no scandal.' 
 Butler went back and told Robeson that he w;i8 
 not in earnest in his demand, but would bid on 
 the boat when sold. Robeson had it put up and 
 Butler bought it. Then he had a curiosity to 
 know how the bo ^ain stood, and had the lead 
 ballast weighed. There was $400 worth more 
 than he bid for the boat. Xew York Tribune. 
 
 An eminent lawyer read this paragraph in his 
 newspaper : " A Boston physician advises every- 
 body to ascertain what were the causes of death 
 in his ancestors, with a view to guarding himself 
 gainst inherited tendencies, etc." This emi- 
 ■nt legal gentleman cast a mental glance back- 
 ward and saw that his father, grandfather, great- 
 grandfather, and great-great-grandfather, had 
 been hanged for robbery, and he iminediately 
 abandonee! his profession. The preaais a . )wer 
 in the land. — Grip. 
 
 m 
 
 Magistrate : " If you will take the pledge, Ras- 
 tus, I will give you only ten days on the island, 
 instead of three months, as 1 ought to." 
 
 Rastus (grat f. ily) : '« All right, yo' honah, 
 you'a berry k.n'. I'll take de pledge fo' ten days.'' 
 — New York Sun. 
 
201 
 
 SPLINTEBB ; OB, A ORIST OF OIOOI.KS. 
 
 1 ' Wa»l„ngton Capital give, a romance of 
 
 Boneui iirowsler. on retiring from the cabinet 
 eft only one request (o Im« successor. This was 
 or the retention of a fen.ale clerk. Accord, ,«?o 
 this story, Mr. Brewster early in life proposed to 
 ayounK woman und was refused. After the lapse 
 of many years, on becoming attorney-general he 
 received a letter of congratulation from the lady 
 who was a. this time a widow in reduced cir ul' 
 stances. He seared her appointment to a clerk- 
 ship m Ins department, and left a request with 
 his successor that she should not be disturbed 
 
 worn f ""S/""^""' ^«h a weary look on her 
 wo n face, stood before the crowds at the central 
 
 tood „ tr 1""" °" "^ ^^"'^ 1° "'« '•"'•k 
 
 with the nervous twitching resulting from a pro^ 
 , longed debauch. A lawyer represented the w fe 
 and mother, and told the court there was no de- 
 sire to prosecute the drunkard if he would reform. 
 Their child isdying," he said, "and itsmother 
 will forgive her husband if he will take the pledge 
 and go home and help nurse the little one in its 
 ast moments." The man gave the name of Wil- 
 ham Mcaoskey and express, d his willingness to 
 
BPLINTKllH ; OR, A GRIST OF OIOOLES. 205 
 
 " For how lon^r ?" asked the magistrate. 
 "Thre(3 months," nervously answered the 
 prisoner. Then as the magistrate shook his 
 liead the prisoner pleadingly added, - Six months." 
 ^^ Make It forever," interposed the attorney 
 or we will prosecute. It will be better for all if 
 he never takes another drink." 
 
 McCloskoy looked frightened. Even then his 
 hroat ^^m parching for liquor, and he seemed 
 to be debatmg between his thirst and honour 
 and a wife a affection. For a few moments the 
 court-room was still, as the crowd watched the 
 struggle going on in the drunkard's mind. 
 
 At last five years were agreed upon, and the 
 man staggered to the stand and, taking the Bible 
 in a trembling hand, he took the oath and 
 shambled away. -Philadelphia Times. 
 
 Lord Coleridge mentioned to a friend who met 
 him i-ecently in the quiet old cathedral town of 
 Peterborough, in which he is passing the summer, 
 hat he had no intention of retiring from the 
 bench, but, on tho contrary, now that he enjoy- 
 ed the blessing of undisturbed domestic peace, he 
 felt he could discharge the duties of his office 
 with greater vigor and efficiency. He has no 
 daughter but the one wedded to Mr. Adams. He 
 was lookmg remarkably well. 
 
266 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 A MAINE JUDGE AND HIS FIDDLE. 
 
 One of the justices of the Maine supreme court 
 occasionally amuses himself, when he is alone, 
 by taking down an old fiddle and playing on it.' 
 The judge used to be an expert performer of jigs 
 on the fiddle, but since his boyhood has not de- 
 voted much time to the violin. He was born and 
 raised in poverty, and the story of his life is al- 
 most a romance. , His father was the fiddler of 
 the village, a nomadic and jovial soul. Said an 
 old neighbour the other day : " When I went to 
 musters, sixty years ago, I used to see the judge 
 and his father playing the fiddle for dances at six- 
 pence per tune. That was the regular price in 
 those days. None of the dancers ever supposed 
 that their little fiddler would become a judge of 
 the supreme couvt."—Leiciston Journal. 
 
 HE WAS EETAINED. 
 
 " I have had trouble with one of my neigh- 
 bours," said a farmer yesterday after he had 
 climbed three flights of stairs to interview a 
 Griswold street lawyer. 
 
 "Exactly, sir; I suppose it is your misfortune 
 to live neighbour to a mean man ?" 
 
 " His cattle got into my field last spring." 
 
 " Did, eh ? Well, we can take him for damages, 
 
SPLIISTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 267 
 
 and you are sure of your case. How many head 
 and what shall we put the damages at '?" 
 
 " Well, you see, I got mad about it, and turned 
 my hogs into his 'tater patch." 
 " Aw ! Can he prove it ?" 
 " Oh ! I owned it right up, and we agreed to 
 call matters square." 
 
 " Umph ! Perhaps, however, we can make out 
 that you were temporarily insane, and not in con- 
 dition to make bargains." 
 
 " Oh, it isn't that, sir. Three davs ago one of 
 my horses was killed." 
 " Exactly." 
 
 " The beast ran against my neighbour's barb- 
 ed wire fence." 
 
 ^ *' I see. The fence was a dangerous obstruc- 
 tion. Your horse was in the highway '<*" 
 
 " No, sir. He was in my neighbour's field and 
 tried to jump out." 
 " Um !" 
 
 " Can you take the case and make anvthins of 
 it ?" J t, ■ 
 
 " H-a-r-d-1-y. Hold on. 1 won't agree to se- 
 cure you any damages for your horse, but I'll fix 
 it so he can't collect anything for his fence. 
 That leaves you with a horse hide worth two 
 dollars and the proud consciousness of having 
 stood up for your rights like an American." 
 
 The farmer laid down a iive dollar bill, and the 
 lawyer was retsLined.— Detroit Free Fre^s. 
 
268 
 
 SPLINTERS ; on, A GlilST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 Michael Grady, of No. 4211 South Halsted 
 street, appeared in court with his mother Eo- 
 eanua O'Grady, an old woman bent and ^rey 
 He was of the opinion that his mother must be 
 insane from the fact that she had bought a lot 
 and begun to build a house without consulting 
 inm. In addition she did not sleep at nights, 
 but would wander over to inspect the new house 
 at midnight, ^ichael said that he would gladly 
 care for his mother, but found it impossible to 
 Keep her at home. 
 
 It was shown that the old woman was clear- 
 headed enough in her business transactions. An 
 old friends of hers, Mrs. Hawkshaw, testified that 
 some three years ago Mrs. O'Grady brought her 
 a large sum of money, requesting her to keep it 
 for her. '' You did, you did, indade, and, loike 
 the honest woman you are, you retoorned it. 
 Ach, joodge, your Annur, it's not crazy that I am f 
 My folks robbed me of me land, robbed me, and 
 sold It for $3,000-to give to women, your Annur t 
 J^ighty acres, joodge, the savin' of thirty-five 
 years of toilin' and work. They want it all, 
 joodge, your warship, all-sure I'm not crazy " 
 Mrs. O'Grady was keenly excited, but as there 
 was no direct evidence of insanity the case was 
 continued and will go before the jm-y.-Chicaqo 
 1 nbune. 
 
SPLINTERS ; OR, A GKIST OF GIGGLKS. 269 
 
 BLUE L.\WS IN BOSTON. 
 
 " Were you ever arrested before ?" asked a 
 Boston judge of a Brooklyn man, who was brought 
 up on charge of having sworn in public at the 
 crookedness of the streets. 
 
 ^^ "Yes, sir," promptly replied the prisoner, 
 " once, and in this very town too " 
 
 " What for ?" 
 
 ;'For trying to eat baked beans with a 
 knite. 
 
 He was discharged in disgust.— .V. F. Jour- 
 nal. 
 
 PAYING OLD DEBTS. 
 
 " It's a terrible thing to owe monev," said 
 Smith. - To be compelled to dodge around this 
 corner and that to avoid meeting a creditor on 
 the street. It takes the manhood out of one 
 and he soon loses all self-respect. I am glad to 
 say that I no longer owe a dollar." 
 
 " Then those old debts that have bothered you 
 «o long are all squared up, are they ?" 
 
 ''Yes. thank heaven ! The last one became out- 
 lawed yesterdMy."—Ar. y. Sim. 
 
 ^ 
 
270 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OF GIGGLES. 
 
 TRYING TO CORNER A WITNESS. 
 
 Counsel : - You swear that the defendant did 
 not play bilhards on the evening mentioned ?" 
 
 Witness: " Yes, sah, I war wif him de hull 
 ebenin . ' 
 
 Counsel : - The last witness swears that he saw 
 you both in a certain billiard room." 
 Witness : " Yes, sah." 
 
 Counsel : '' Thkt the defendant had a billiard 
 hall m his hand." 
 
 Witness ; '* Yes, sah." 
 
 Counsel : " That he saw him strike a billiard 
 oall with the cue a number of times " 
 
 Witness; "Yes, sah." 
 
 Counsel : - And yet you state upon your oath 
 before this honourable court and the gentlemen 
 01 the jury that on that particular evening tbe 
 defendant did not play billiards " 
 
 Witness: ''Yes, sah. He played nufiin' but 
 pool. '— i\^. y. T-^,i^^^ 
 
 Indianapolis, Ind., Sept. 24.--The congrega- 
 tion of the Methodist church at Irvington, this 
 county, IS greatly scandalized in a pugilistic en- 
 gagement between Levi Ritter, a prominent law- 
 yer, and Rev. W. L, Clancy, his pastor. The 
 
SPLINTEBS; OB, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 271 
 
 latter it is alleged, during a ball at the residence 
 ot B tter yesterday, reflected in his conversation 
 about several members of his congregation 
 Bitter objected to the pastor's remarks ^0°' 
 tmued, however, to express his disapprobation of 
 persons and things generally, and finally spoke 
 ma very objectionable manner of Mrs.' RiUer. 
 Mi^ E.t er ordered the pastor to leave the house 
 and as Mr. Clancy passed out he called Mr Kit -' 
 ter a har and defied him to come out on the grass 
 and settle the dispute. Mr. Bitter accepted tl 
 challenge and in a brief but spirited round he 
 pastor was pretty badly punished. 
 
 Here are a couple anecdotes of the late Emory 
 
 A. b orrs w Inch apppearin the New York TrUn^J: 
 
 We are told of a remark made by Storrs after 
 
 an ,nc,dent of Lord Coleridge's visif to thi'cl 
 
 t'J. fetori-s gave him a supper at Chicago. A 
 
 tailor, to whom Storrs owed an account, attached 
 
 befo e It ..a,: ,„; be served. Storrs appealed to 
 t^fneiKls -vho had been invited to the dinne!^ 
 the Wll fl^^'^?:™ P™°>P% raised. As he paid 
 the b,l|, be said : 'This is the first time in the 
 
 aJSd f "*; T." T " '"''^ -PP-- '^^ " - 
 attached for debt. Mr. Chance said that Storrs, 
 
 ii 
 
 M 
 
272 
 
 SPLINTERS ; OR, A GRIST OP GIGGLES. 
 
 Who was at one time a hard drinker, said to him • 
 Chance, I never come to New York and start 
 down Broadway, even in cold weather, without 
 getting on the shady side of the street.' ' Whv 
 what is that for?' asked Chance, when Storrs 
 responded : ' This town is confoundedly demoral- 
 izing, and I daren't walk in the sun for fear mv 
 shadow will ask me in to drink.' " 
 
 HE WILTED. 
 
 " Surely, your Honour," yelled the young law- 
 yer showing off with great enthusia'sm in his 
 first case, " surely, I do not need to argue on 
 such a simple question. My client has not only 
 right but law upon his side, and I know, your 
 Honour, that in thus dwelling upon a point so 
 self-evident I am performing an unnecessary 
 
 Z'uV "''' ^^'^^ "" ^""^'*^" equity can pos- 
 sibly hold such a monstrous proposition " 
 
 The old judge stuck his chin in his breast, look- 
 ed over the gold rim of his spectacles and gazed 
 blandly on the perspiring lawyer. 
 
 "It will this afternoon." 
 
 And the lawyer wilted.-.S'a.ii^m„,,>,o Chron- 
 
 icle. 
 
Kl'UNTEKS; 0I{, A OKIST OF GIGGLES. 273 
 
 $80 000 a year, earned at the Chicago bar, and 
 yet he v.-as always out of money and in debt. It 
 IS 8aid that he habitually drew on Samuel W 
 AUerton a millionaire friend, who never failed 
 inm in his frequent emergencies. This friend 
 helped him out of the dilemma wlien, at the time 
 of sitting down to a dinner to Lord Coleridge, an 
 unfriendly sheriff seized the viands 
 
 A -NEW-YEAB lUCIvET " THAT WOULD'NT 
 WOEK WITH JUSTICE MEECH. 
 
 Frances Cleska, a pretty little Bohemian girl 
 has for some time past been employed as a ser-' 
 vant by Abraham Cappels, of No. 424 State st 
 prances steady company, at the back door, was 
 Joseph l^uchs, a dudish young man, whom she 
 often entertained. Upon Joseph's last call, Wed- 
 nesday last, Frances stole to him with a valise in 
 which were packed all her effects, together with 
 a great many effects that were not hers. In fact 
 
 i_. „ „,^ ^,^ss, some cuiuuonds, and various 
 
 11 
 
274 sPLiNTEiia ; OB, A anisT of oioules. 
 
 artieles of jewellery, the whole valued at nearly 
 f 500 Joseph took the valise, and the two faded 
 away ,n the gloom. The girl is yet in the glooL 
 so far as the offieers know, but the young love^ 
 of servan -g rls and diamonds has be'en arrest d 
 
 day, I don d know vat vas in dot pag, shudge 
 As Abraham is a lukin' town on me dis minute I 
 don d know noddings mit dot pa"." 
 
 ''I'll continue the case ten days and hold you 
 m bonds of $1,200. " said the justice. ^ 
 
 0, tear shudge, don'd do dot ; to-morrow is 
 our New Year's, shudge, and I oan'd go to cha 
 on New Year's-it's agains' my religious per 
 rmeiples, shudge." ^ 
 
 "I've heard that New Year's story every dav 
 
 tL: ""'• ^° ''°--'airs."-(7L,„'r:f 
 
 He ™ always had great political ambition. 
 
 He was conspicuous in every Republican cam- 
 pa.gn, nopxngby his usefulness as a political 
 tor to earn a position in the cabinet. It was the 
 
 enVaT T " f. f' '" "^ "^^'^ ''"o™^- 
 feeneral. He worked for Hayes to this end and 
 
 was virtually promised a good place. He was so 
 
""■■"■"■■«■'' ■' "«. -^ <mHT OF o,oa,,K«. 275 
 
 disappointed at the way Hayes treated him after 
 the campaign that the name of that abZl "/ 
 Bon could not afterwards be me„'o„ d il s 
 presence wthout throwing him into „ filing 
 ntense md,gnat,on. It was Storrs who drew 
 th picture of Hayes- insignificance at tL Gar 
 
 ononeside/f„f„:-XX-t 
 
 police H.t,d ,iim to M^r^^^ 
 
 grass. —Chicaf/o Tribune. 
 
 ' A MODEL WITNESS. 
 
 ON MATURE DELIBERATION HE THOUGHT HE 
 THE PRISONER. 
 
 KNEW 
 
 " ^es; ansiver up prompt " 
 
 i-dVn, iOiiow there?" 
 
270 splinters; ou, a guiht oi uigolios. 
 
 " Certainly ; do you know him T 
 
 " Him ?" 
 
 ** Yes, ^0 be sure ; wliy don't you answor ?" 
 Why pshaw. JLidse ! Him an' mo m trriod 
 gals out ol the . une family-sisters, you mi^ht 
 say. 
 
 " Well, do you know him ?" 
 "Him?" 
 
 "Can't you understand i,!ain English ':> Do 
 you know this mail :>" 
 "That'n?" . 
 
 n)r course, you blockhead. Do you Know 
 
 II] w < 
 
 ;' Knowhim ? Why, bless your old heart, f ud-e 
 he s got a pup now that I gave him more'n fTve 
 years ago, an' you never see such a dog in your 
 born days as that'n turned out to be Wliy 
 pshaw, judge, you couldn't find nothin' like him 
 with hide an' hair in seven counties ; but the way 
 1 come to git him was just the funniest blamed 
 thmgs you ever heerd tell of. You see the way 
 it was this— uh ?" ' 
 
 " Hold on ! Stop right there ! We don't want 
 any^dog stories just now. Do you know 
 
 "Who?" 
 
 " Why, this man ?" 
 
 XY\F^^\nT'^' ^ '^"'"'^ ^'^^^ ^"^^^»t the dog. 
 Well, 11 I d knowed the pup half so well as I did 
 
 bim,you fan bet your socks he wouldn't never 
 
HPLimM ; OR, A CHUST OF OLGOLm. 277 
 
 Why, dog gone u alj, judge, do^^ was half 
 
 Piiiter, an— uh ? " ^ "^" 
 
 " f.top this sawing around and anawGr tho 
 
 question, or you'll ho comrnittod.'' ^' 
 
 "Uh ?" 
 
 "Isayyouilboconiraittod " 
 •Uh ?" 
 
 " Forcontompfc." 
 " Wiiat's Umt ? " 
 
 1^' Will you answer tho question ? " 
 
 "Well then, why don't you do it?" 
 -Ho what ? " 
 
 " Answer the question ? " 
 " What question ? " 
 "The one Tasked you." 
 "Which'n?" 
 
 *' Do you know the man ?" 
 "Whatman?" 
 
 " The prisoner at the bar " 
 
 ;; I wonder now if you mean Bill Gimps ?" 
 , Certamly. Do you know him ? " 
 iH,,f;'?/ ''^^ ^^^ ^^^1^ "tarried into the same 
 
 "Yes; butdo-you-knowhim?" 
 Well, now, see here, judge. Don't you 
 
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278 
 
 KPLINTKItR ; OR, A /lUIST OF OIGOLES. 
 
 know I'd be like to know my own brother-in- 
 law?" 
 
 " Will you answer the question ? " 
 
 " What question ? " 
 
 " Do you know Bill Gimps ? " 
 
 " Didn't I give him a pup five years ago ?" 
 
 '' Yes ; but do you know him ? " 
 
 " Well, now, see here, judge, 1 claim to be 
 free born an' hajf white, an' do you s'pose I 
 wouldn't have any more sense than to fool away 
 a dog on a man I don't know ? No. siree • I 
 never got so blamed flush with dogs as to waste 
 em like that. Know him ? Of course I do ; 
 better'n I do the size of my own feet or my ole 
 woman's voice, and could've to'd you so long ago 
 If you d only ast me. Know him at the bar ? 
 Why, blast it all, judge, that's where I fust got 
 acquainted with him, by his standin' treat, an' I 
 never knowed a man, judge, than was more cer- 
 tain to turn jack right where it was needed in a 
 game of seven-up than him. You can go your 
 pile on him for that every time and never get 
 left. Yes, sir, I'd know Bill Gimps anywhere, 
 even m meetin' though I don't s'pose I could 
 ever make out how he got there. Know him ' 
 Yes-sir-ee-bob. I know him as well as I do 
 when dinner-time comes. Is that strong enough, 
 judge, or do you want me to projuce his note to 
 show how much more I know him ? I can do it 
 if such is law." 
 
8PLiNTEU8;oK,.am«roi.. aiaaLi.«. 271) 
 "That will do." 
 
 "You may step down." 
 "Down where ?" 
 
 "Down stairs, you blockhe-id f "' ri • 
 ledger. '"^iiucau : —Chicat/o 
 
 THOS. AfooUE s* Co., p 
 
 rintornao Adelaide St. East. Toronto. 
 
K 
 
-X 
 
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 .be n.a„ who can combine so much excellen. law (verified bv X 
 d,ca.ed cases,, w,,b genuine humour, „„s. verily L a ,1^,T 
 
 " An excellent companion for a leisure hour.- 
 
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