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A ik.a»te*i-*-^^ ,»«i*«««***^ •,-«»*»'> t^;«*****^ ADVERTISEMENT. The following sketches appeared originally in the Dublin University Magazine; and the very favourable reception they met with from the public has induced the author to republish them in the present form. Mardi, 1861. S'fsvy 4afcte«»*iii*«** i^^ii;.^is^;i«,^i5«S^^ CONTENTS. No. PAGE I.— AN EVENINa AT CORK 1 II. — WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS .... 25 III.— HOMEWARD BOUND 55 IV.— * A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, AND THOUGHTS IN A TRAIN ' 85 v.— JOHN BULL AND HIS DIQGINS . . . . 110 VI.— BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS . . . 138 VII.— A GALLIMAUFRY ...... 163 VIII.— OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS . . 187 IX.— THE LIVING AND THE DEAD .... 218 X.— THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR ; OR, QUAKERS AFLOAT AND ASHORE " . 246 XI.— COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES . . 272 XII.— BIG WIGS 302 v^iism^* ,^,«*««»«*»«***" THE SEASON-TICKET. PAGE 1 26 55 85 110 138 163 187 218 246 272 302 No. I. AN EVENING AT CORK. EvERYTniNG has altered its dimensions, except the world we live in. The more we know of that, the smaller it seems. Time and distance have been abridged, remote countries have become accessible, and the antipodes are upon visiting termn. There is a reunion of the human race ; and tlie family resemblance now that we begin to think alike, dress alike, and live alike, is very striking. The South Sea Islanders, and the inhabitants of China, import their fashions from Paris, and their fabrics from Man- chester, while Rome and London supply missionaries to the 'ends of the earth,' to bring its inhabitants into ' one fold, under one Shepherd.' Who shall write a book of travels now ? Livingstone has exhausted the subject. What field is there left for a future Munchausen ? The far West and the far East have shaken hands and pi- rouetted together, and it is a matter of indifference whether you go to the moors in Scotland to shoot grouse, to Soutli America to ride an alligator, or to Indian jungles to shoot tigers — there are the same facilities for reaching all, and steam will take you to either with the equal ease and rapidity. We have already talked with New York; and as soon as our speaking-trumpet is mended shall converse again. 'To waft a sigh from Indus to the pole,' is no longer a poetic phrase, but a B 2 THE SEASON-TICKET. plain matter of fact of daily occurrence. Men breakfast at home, and go fifty milcH to their counting'-houses, and when their work \h done, njturri to dinner. They don't go from London to the Heaside, by way of change, once a year ; but they live on tiie coast, and go to the city daily. Tlu! grand tour of our forefathers consist(>d in visiting the principal cities of Europe. It was a gre;it effort, occupied a vast deal of time, cost a large smn of money, and was oftener attended with danger than advantage. It com- I)nsed what was tiien called, the world: whoever had per- formed it was said t(j liave ' seen the world,' and all that it contained. The Grand Tour now means a voyage round the globe, and he who has not made it has seen nothing. 1 do not say that a man must necessarily be much the wiser for this circumnavigation. It was remarked of Lord Anson, that he had been three times round the world, but never once in it. But, in his case, the expression was used in a two-fold sense, namely, the globe itself, and the people that dwell on it. If travel does not impart wisdom, which it ought to do, it should at least confer the semblance of it, as we may infer from the phrase, ' he looks as wise as the monkey that had seen the world.' Men who miss the reality, ape the appearance. A Fez cap, and an Albanian cloak, have a classical look, and remind you of Byron, and his romantic love for modern Greece, and it is easier to wear them than to quote Glad- stone's Homer. A wide-awake, a grizzly beard, and a gold chain, as massive as a submarine cable, smack of the Australian Diggings ; and a cinnamon walking-stick, as heavy as an Irishman's shillelagh, shows that the Mel- bourne traveller has visited Ceylon on his way home. A Kossuth hat, with a buckle in front as large as that on a coach-trace, a bowie knife, or Arkansas toothpick, in- serted like a carpenter's rule into the seam of the leg of the trousers, a pair of long India-rubber boots, and a figured cahco shirt-front, half concealed by a Poncho cape, (the breast of which discloses a revolver), are hierogly- phical characters, that, duly interpreted, mean California. The French hat, the extreme coat, and the peg-top I M AN EVENING AT CORK. 8 ireakfast ises, and ey don't 0, once a ty daily, iting the occnpied and was It corn- had per- . all that voyage las seen inch the irked of le world, pression self, and ; impart t confer ase, 'he world.' A Fez ok, and modern e Glad- and a i. of the tick, as le Mel- home, hat on ck, in- leg of and a cape, rogly- ornia. 'ii m trousers, bospoak the British raw material, got up at Paris. Fornicrly everybody wished to be thought to have travelled, and those who were unable to enrich their minds, seldom failed to exhibit their foreign spoils on their j)ersons. All this, however, is becoming obsolete. Everybody travels now ; and it is no more distinction to have crossed the Andes, to have visited Japan, or to have effected the Artie Passage, than to have ascended the dome of St. Paul's. There is nothing new under the sun. The visible objects of nature, under their varying asjx^cts, are familiar to us all. We must, at last, turn to what we ought to have studied first — ourselves. ' The proper study of mankind is man.' I have myself lately returned from making the grand tour. I have not seen all the world, but 1 have looked at a great part of it ; and if I am not much wiser for my travels at present, I flatter myself it is because I have not been able to apply the information I have gained, by comparing what I have seen with what I knew before I set out, and what Ifind^ on my return, to be the condition of my own country. There are some things not very easy to realize. I find it difficult to believe that I am at last safe at home, and still more so, that I have actually performed this circum- navigation. Here I am, however, at Southampton at last ; but every morning I feel as if it was time to move on : the propulsion is on me, and I cannot stop. I go to London, and as soon as I reach it the same restlessness seizes me, and I feel impelled to return. The safest as well as the pleasantest way to ease the speed is to lower the steam, until motion shall gradually cease. I have therefore taken a '•Season-Ticket,' and shall travel to and from London, until the monotony wearies me, and I can again enjoy home. I shall occupy myself in noting down whatever I hear and see, and in studying the characters of those I meet. I shall compare civiUzed with uncivilized man, and I feel already that the very posses- sion of the means of comparison is itself one of the greatest benefits I have derived from travelling. Last week I varied the scene, by accompanying my old college friend Gary, to Monkstown, in Ireland. While b2 4 THE SEASON-TICKET. ho was employed in iH'pi-Dtiatiiij^ somo Imsinosa nf im- ])ortaiico, I arnufi(Ml rnyHcli' liy cxplorinj^ tho viirioiw oltjocts of intercHt in tlie n('i^'lil)()nrh()()(l. As I have? already observed, I have visited many parts of the world, and seen mueh beautiful scenery; but take it all in all, or, as the Yankees say, ' every which way you can fix it,' I know nothing" HUf)eriorto that whicli is presented to the tourist, in a sail from the entrance of (^ueenstown to the city of Cork. An uninvited and unwelcome g-uest, on his arrival at a country house in England, expatiated on the splendid views he had seen on Iuh journey thither, and when asked by which road he had travelled, was very significantly informed that he would pass through a much more lov(ily country on his return that afternoon, if he took another, and a shorter route, that was pointed out to him. Unlike my gruff and inhospitable countryman, I advise you, when at Cork, to remain there, till you have ' done ' the city, and its environs, and then to sail down the river, that you may behold from a different point of view the same objects you had previously seen. It is difficult to say whether the ascent or descent is most beautiful ; but on the whole, I give the preference to tho former, on account of the magnificent panorama which so suddenly bursts on your astonished view, as you enter the harbour from the sea. Nor is the climate of this lovely locahty less admirable than its scenery; it is so soft, so mild, and so genial in winter, and so temperate and aalubrious in summer. No foreign watering places that I am acquainted with arc to be compared with those on the Lee for invalids. There is only one thing I do not like here, and as I am a discriminating traveller, and endeavour to be im- partial and just, I must enter my protest, and then pass on. When we cast anchor near the Flag-ship of the , Admiral, I desired a boatman to take me to ' Cove.' ' Sure,* said he, * your honour is in Cove now.' ' Yes,' I replied, ' I know that, but I want to land at Cove,' pointing to the beautiful town that rose, terrace above terrace, from the water's edge to the summit of the AN EVENINO AT CORK. 5 liill that protects and Rhclters the magnificent shoot of water, whieli it proudly overlooks. ' Ah, yer honour, it's no long'er the Cove any more ; it's (iueenHtown it'w called now, ever Hince Her Majesty tlie Queen landed hero. Just as the line ould harbour, Danleary, near Dublin, was christened Kingstown, in lionour of the visit of an Eiiglish King that is dead and gone. ' Ah, yer honour,' he said with a sigh, ' we hardly know our own names now-a-days.' I sympathize with poor Pat. * The Cove of Cork ' is known all over the world. Every map, chart, and nautical vocabulary contains a registry of it, and no Act of Parliament, Proclamation, or Gazette, will ever obliterate it from Jack's memory, or poor Pat's either. And besides all this, its new appellation is an unmeaning one. All the towns in the Empire are the Queen's, and ' all that in them is,' God bless her! and in after days the people of this place will know as little which Queen did them the honour to visit them, as my ' Covey ' did which Sovereign adopted Kingstown as his own. Our North American friends have better taste ; they are everywhere restoring the ancient Indian names. Toronto has sui)erseded York, and Sissiboo, Weymouth ; even Halifax, forgetful of its patron, desires to be known as Chebuctoo ; while the repudiating Yankees are equally ambitious that their far-famed city, New York, should be called Manhattan. My object, however, is not to detain you longer on the banks of the lovely Lee, but to introduce you to the smoking-room of the Imperial Hotel at Cork. I like a smoking-room, first, because I am uncom- monly fond of a cigar (and there are capital ones to be had at the Imperial, as you may suppose from the numerous friends of old Ireland that reside in America); and secondly, because there is a freemasonry in smoking, not that it possesses secrets of a dangerous nature, but that it incites and promotes conversation. It is free- masonry without its exclusiveness. Its sign is the pipe or the cigar, its object good fellowship. Men sometimes quarrel over theii' cups, over their pipes, never. The h 6 THE SEASON-TICKET. IndianR of America always commenced their councils with the calumet. It gave them time to arrange their thoughts, and its sootliing effect on their nerves pre- disposed them to f)eace. When I was a boy, I always waited till I saw my fatiier in the full enjoyment of his pipe, before I asked any little favour I was desirous of obtaining from him. A man who is happy himself, is willing to contribute to the happiness of others. To a traveller smoking is invaluable. It is a com- panion in his solitary hours ; it refreshes him when fatigued ; it assuages the cravings of hunger ; and it purifies the poisonous atmosphere of infected places, whether jungles or cities. It conciliates strangers, it calms agitation, and makes you feel all the resignation and all the charities of a Christian. The knowledge of this precious plant. Tobacco, and its many virtues, is one of the advantages we derive from travelling. Before I proceed further, gentle reader, let me tell you, there are three things I recommend to your notice in visitinff Ireland. If you are an admirer of beautiful •■in scenery, go to the Cove of Cork. If you want a good hotel, go to the Imperial ; and if you want good tobacco, go to the smoking-room there. I may add also, you will find more than good pipes and cigars, for you will meet with a vast deal of amusement, as some droll fellows do congregate there. On this occasion, when I visited this ' cloud-capped ' scene, two strangers saun- tered into tlie room, and drawing chairs to my table, on which the light was placed, at once entered into conver- sation with all the ease of old stagers. They were evidently Yankees. One was a tall, thhi man, with a sallow comi)lexion, at least as far as I could judge of it, for he sported a long beard and a profusion of hair on his face. He was dressed in black, the waistcoat being of a shining satin, surmounted by several coils of gold chain, and his coat (something between a jacket and a frock), having ca})acious side-pockets, into each of which was deposited a hard, rough fist. His neckcloth was a loose tie, which was grace! by a turn-down collar, and fringed by a semicircular belt of hair, that in its turn AN EVENING AT CORK. overlaid it. His hat was low-crowned, the rim of which curled into narrow rolls at the sides, and projected before and behind into peaks, not unlike those of a travelling cap. His boots were canoe-shaped, long and narrow, and upturned in front, giving you the idea of a foot that had no toes. As he seated himself at the table, he took off his hat, and from among some loose papers collected a few stray cigars, wiiich he deposited on the table. Lighting one of them, he handed another to me, saying, ' Stranger, will you try one of mine ? they are rael right down genume Havannahs, and the flavour is none the worse for not paying duty, I guesSc They ain't bad.' Then, turning to his companion, he said, ' Ly, won't you cut in and take a hand ? * ' Ly,' whom I afterwards discovered to be the Honourable Lyman Boodle, a senator from Michigan, and a colleague of General Cass, the American Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, \. s a sedate-looking per- son, as a senator ought to be. He was a smooth-faced, well-shaven man, with an expression of complacency that seemed to indicate he was at peace with himself and all the world. He was dressed hke a Methodist preacher, in a plain suit of black, and sported a whitey- brown choker of the orthodox shape and tie. It was manifest he was a person of importance, both wise and circumspect, a statesman, and a divine, and equally respectable as an orator and a preacher. It is difficult to imagine a greater contrast than that existing between these two countrymen and friends. One was a roUicking, noisy, thoughtless fellow, caring little what he said or did, up to anything and equal to everything ; the other, a wise and sententious man, with a mind intent on great things, the greatest of which was probably the presi- dential chair of the United States. ' Let's liquor, Ly,' said the tall one ; * what do you ambition ? Shall it be whisky, ale, rum, brandy, gin, or what not, for they hain't no compounds here, no mint juleps, cocktails, sherry cobblers, gum ticklers, phlegm cutters, chain hghtning, or sudden death. Simples is ■w— W»*- « ■ " ' ' "" 8 TIIE SEASON-TICKET. . what they go on, they don't excel in drinks, they have no skill in manufacturing liquids. The Irish can't eat nothing but tators, and they drink nothing but whisky, and talk nothing but priests and patriots, ructions and repeals. They don't do nothen like nobody else. Their coats are so long they drag on the ground, like the tail of a Nantucket cow, which is so cussed poor that she can't hold it up, and their trousers are so short they don't reach below their knees, with two long strings dangling from them that are never tied, and three but- tons that never felt an eyelet hole ; and wear hats that have no roofs on 'em. The pigs are fed in the house, and the children beg on the road. They won't catch fish for fear they would have to use them in Lent, nor raise more corn than they eat, for fear they would have to pay rent. They sit on their cars sideways, like a gall on a side-saddle, and never look ahead, so they see but one side of a thing, and always act and fight on one side ; there is no two ways about them. And yet, hang me, if I don't like them, take them by and large, better than the English, who are as heavy and stupid as the porter they guzzle all day — who hold their chins so everlastin' high, they don't see other folks' toes they are for ever a-treadin' on — who are as proud as Lucifer, and ape his humility ; as rich as Croesus, and as mean as a Jew ; talking from one year's eend to another of educating the poor, and wishing the devil had flown away with Dr. Faustus before he ever invented types ; praising us for ever, and lamenting that Columbus hadn't gone to the bottom of tlie sea, instead of discovering America; talking of reform from July to etarnity, and asking folks if they don't hope they may get it ; annoying every ' "Hush, Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator, casting a furtive glance at me, fearing I might take offence; * pray don't go ahead that way, you might, you know, come into collision, and who knows which may get the worst of that? Folks don't like to hear their country abused arter that fasliion; it don't convene to good manners, and the amenities of life. For my part, I think / AN EVENING AT CORK. 9 the Irish are a very sharp people.' * Sharp/ said the other, ' why there is nothen sharp on this side the water, unless it's a policeman. Why, stranger,' he continued, addressing me, ' all natur's sharp in America — the frost is sharp, the knives are sharp, the men are sharp, the women are sharp, and if they ain't, their tongues be, everything is sharp there. Why my father's vinegar was so cussed sharp, the old gentleman shaved with it once; he did upon my soul. Ah, here is the waiter ! I say. Mister, whisky for three. That fellow don't know the word Mister, now I'll be darned if he does. He puts me in mind of a Patlander, a friend of mine hired here lately. Last month, Gineral Sampson Dove, of Winnepusa, mar- ried the darter of the American A'^eounsel (consul) to Dub- lin. Miss Jemima Fox. Did you ever see her, stranger ? * ' Never,' I said. ' Well,' he repUed, * that's a cruel pity, for you would have seen a peeler, I tell you — a rael corn-fed gall, and no mistake. Just what Eve was, I guess, when she walked about the garden afore needles and thread came into fashion, and angels came to see her, and wished they had flesh and blood like her, and weren't so ever- lastin' thin and vapoury, like sunbeams. Lick! man, she was a whole team, and a dog under the waggon, I tell you. Well, they first went to Killarney, on a wed- ding tower^ and after they had stared at that lovely place, till they hurt their eyes, they came down here to see the Grovcb of Blarney, and what not. Well, the Gineral didn't want folks to know they were only just married, for people always run to the winders and doors, to look at a bride, as if she was a bird that was only seen once in a hundred years, and was something that was uncommon new to look upon. I'ts onconvenient, that's a fact, and it makes a sensi^we, delicate-minded gall feel as awkward as a wrong boot. So says the Gineral to Pat, " Pat," says he, " don't go now, and tell folks we are only just married, lie low, and keep dark, will you, that's a good fellow." "Bedad," says Pat, " never fear, yer honner, the divil a much they'll get out of me, I can tell you. Let me alone for that, I can keep iwtii>i wiimmmmmi »■ n am ■iNi»^>wiw*w>^iB>n#n«»w V. 10 THE SEASON-TICKET. If a secret as well as ever a priest in Ireland." Well, for all that, they did stare, in a way that was a caution to owls, and no mistake, and well they might too, for it ain't often they see such a gall as Miss Jemima, I can tell you, though the Irish galls warn't behind the door neither when beauty was given out, that's a fact. At last the Gineral see something was in the wind above common, for the folks looked amazed in the house, and they didn't seem over half pleased either. So says he, one day, " Pat," says he, "I hope you did not tell them we were only just married, did you ? " " Tell them you was just married, is it, yer honner," said he, "let me alone for that ! They were mighty inquisitive about it, and especially the master, he wanted to know all about it entirely. " Married, is it," says I, " why they ain't married at all, at all, the divil a parson ever said grace over thetn ! But, I'll tell you what (for I was determined it was but little truth he'd get out of me) — I'll tell you what," says I, "if you won't repeat it to nobody, — They are goiri' to be married in about a fortnight, for I heard them say so this blessed day, with my own ears." If the Gineral wasn't raving, hopping mad, it ain't no matter, that's all. In half an hour he and his wife were on board the steamer for England, and Pat is in bed here yet, from the licking he got. It ain't clear to me, if he ever will see his error, for both his eyes are knocked into one, and all he can perceive are a thousand sparks of fire before him, as if he was looking down the chimney of a blacksmith's shop. Come, Ly, I like your calHng such a fellow as that sharp. But 'spose we try the whisky.' In the course of conversation (if such rhodomontade can be dignified by such a name) allusion was made to Vancouver Island, which I have always regretted I had not seen. I had visited California, but as this new colony was not then either settled, or much known, I went from San Francisco to the Sandwich Islands, and it is only since my return that it has become an object of such universal interest. Wishing for information, I applied to the Senator, instead of Mr. Peabody, as I AN EVENING AT CORK. 11 knew he was more likely to talk to the point than the other. * Yes,' he said, ' I have but recently come from there ; I can tell you all about it. It is, to my mind, the most important spot in the whole world, and will affect and control the commerce of the greatest part of it.* ' May I ask,' I said, ' what is the geographical extent of the island? * ' It is as large as a piece of chalk,' said his tall friend. ' Do be quiet, Peabody,' said the Senator ; ' there is a time for all things, but you find time for only one, and that is nonsense.' 'Well, stranger,' said the incoiTigible joker, ' if you don't like a piece of chalk for a measure, and I think it's a capital one, for it may be as small as what a carpenter carries in his pocket, or as big as the Leviathan, I'll tell you its exact size. It's as big as all out-doors, and you know how big that is, and if you don't (for Britishers are everlastin' pitikilar), I'll go and get you my map ; ' saying which, he left the room on his well-meant errand. ' That's a droll fellow,' said the Senator ; ' but he is not the fool you take him for ; there is more in him than there appears to be. By that free-and- easy way, and his strange talk, he induces people to con- verse, and while they are amusing themselves with him, he contrives to learn from them all that they know, or think upon any particular subject in which he is in- terested. Bear with him, and he will give you any information, whatever you may require, connected with North America. Vancouver,' he continued, 'is about 270 miles long, and, on an average, from forty to fifty miles broad. Its greatest breadth is seventy miles, and its least twenty-eight ; while in one place it is nearly intersected by water, the portage being only eight miles. Its size, however, is of little consequence, as the adjoin- ing territoiy of the English on the mainland of British Columbia is boundless in extent. It is its position, its harbours, its coal, its fisheries, and its political and com- mercial importance that render it so invaluable. From California to the Kussian boundary it contains the only secure harbour in a distance of several thousand miles, while even the Port of San Francisco is so large, it is by no means safe at all times, as it partakes too much of the 12 THE SEASON-TICKET. character of a roadstead. Whoever owns Vancouver must command the trade of the Pacific and the East ; I say nothing of its lying at the entrance of Frazer's Kiver, and receiving the gold from those regions ; that is merely a means to an end — I speak of it as the terminus of the Great Inter-Oceanic Railway. The harbour of Esquimault, on the Pacific, corresponds in every parti- cular with the noble port of Halifax, Nova Scotia, on the Atlantic. The railway from the latter to the boundary of New Brunswick, is now nearly finished, and in a year or two will connect with the Canadian Une below Quebec, when an uninterrupted communication will be completed from Halifax to the head of Lake Superior. It will then require to be continued from thence to Vancouver, and you will have an overland route from the Atlantic to the Pacific, lying wholly through British territory. Already the Canadians are opening the way through the Red River and Winipeg territory, by connecting the lakes and rivers on the line of traffic, by good portages, by placing steamers on the former and railways on the latter, so as to render the passage short, easy, and ex- peditious. This is the first step towards the completion of that grand railway line that is to be the route from Europe to China, Japan, the Sandwich Islands, Australia, and the East. The country between Lake Superior and the Pacific is of a nature to support countless milHons of inhabitants, while its vast internal navigation, like that of Canada supplies means of transport unknown in any other part of the world. It is not the size of Vancouver, therefore, that is of importance ; it is its pohtical, geo- graphical, and commercial position that we must regard.' 'Zactly,' said Mr. Peabody, who now returned with the map, and spread it out on the table. ' Zactly, Ly ; now you have hit the nail on the head, smack,' and, suiting the action to the word, he struck the palm of his left hand a blow with his right fist, that made a noise j'recisely like that occasioned by a hammer. 'That's the ticket ! Ly warn't born yesterday ; stranger, he has a large mhid sir. It's like a surveyor's tape-box, take hold of the ring, sir, give it a pull, and out comes a *w AN EVENING AT CORK. 13 ancouver. comes a hundred yards, all marked and dotted into inches and feet — there is no mistake in him, he is as exact as a sum proved by algebry ; but it ain't every one he lets put his finger into the tape ring and draw him out, I can tell you. He knows how to keep his clam-shell shut, when he don't think proper to let on. Yes, Sirree — he is right. The largest city in the world will be in Esquimault and Victoria, for it wiU cover both harbours, and the neck of land between them. And see where it lies ! not in the frozen North, or in the brilin' South, but between the parallels 48 and 51 North Latitude, and in West Longitude between 123 and 128, which is as near perfection on that warm sea as anything this side of Paradise can be. For it's tropical enough for oranges, and North enough for potatoes : and both are so large, so fine, and so plenty, that they ain't to be ditto'd no- where. The reason I compared it to a piece of chalk, stranger, \7as because I di(hi't know whether you could grasp the subject or not ; but I perceive you can see as far into a millstone as them that picked the hole into it.' ' What is the nature of the soil, is that goodf ' Well, it's hke little England, which the bragging Enghsh call Great "Britain, some good, some indifferent, and some everlastin' bad. But what's good, beats all natur.' I tried it once when I was there prospectin, that is looking out for land to speculate in : well, the vessel I came in had been formerly in the guano trade, and I scooped out of the hold about a handful of that elixir of vegetation, and went and strewed some on the ground, and sowed a few cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerably tired when I had done it, for I had to walk ever so far round, like a lawyer examinin' of a witness, not to let folks see what I was a doin' of ; and when I had done, I just took a stretch for it, under a great pine tree, and took a nap. Stranger ! as true as I am talking to you this here blessed minit, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to the tree. I thought I never should get out of that scrape, the cucumber vines 14 THE SEASON-nCKET, had grown and twisted bo round and round me and my legs while I was asleep! Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack-knife, opened it with my teeth, and cut myself out — no easy job either, I can tell you — and off for Victoria again, hot-foot. When I came into the town, says our Captain to me, " Peabody, what in natur' is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of your pocket?" "Nothin','' sais I, looking as amazed as a puppy nine days old, when he opens his eyes and takes his first stare. Well, I put in my hand to feel ; and, upon my soul, I pulled out a great big, ripe cucumber, a foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there. Now, that's what guano did for the soil, stranger. Capital and labour will do the same for the colony : it will grow as fast as that ere cucumber did.' 'And look seedy as soon,' said I. 'Stranger,' he replied, with a loud laugh, ''you may take my hat, I owe you a chalk for that. Let's Hquor. Waiter, whisky again for three.' 'Do be quiet, Peabody,' said the Senator. At all times, and under any circumstances, sir, this island was so important, that it is astonishing the British Govern- ment could have suffered it to remain for so long a period in the paralysing grasp of the Hudson's Bay Company. But now that steam has superseded canvas, its merits are duly appreciated: where else on the whole Western coast of America is there a place to be found, with such harbours, and such extensive and valuable coal-fields ? The coal at Ninaimo, which is of excellent quality, is found within a few yards of the water side, and vessels drawing sixteen feet can anchor close to the shore. The coal consists of two seams, each six feet thick, overlaying each other at a short distance, and is in sufficient quantity to s upply, for ages to come, all the demands of domestic or foreign consumption, of com- merce or manufactures. There is excellent anchorage in all parts of the harbour of Ninaimo, which is commo- dious, and sheltered from all winds ; and as there is a rise and fall of fifteen feet, at spring tides, and the bottom is soft clay, it forms an excellent careening AN EVENING AT CORK. 15 ground for vessels, and presents many of the advan- tages of a graving dock. The timber on the island is in many parts, of a most superior quality for masts, spars, or piles. Many of the trees growing in the rich valleys attain a height of two hundred and fifty feet, and a circumference of forty-two feet at the butt.' * Pray, what is the name of that tree,' I said. ' It is called the Abies Nobilis.* * Stranger,' said Mr. Peabody, 'I see you lift your eyebrows at that, as if you wanted an affidavit to the fact. I'll tell you where to prospect for them nobs as senators calls 'em. Go to Stoke Harbour and you will find lots of them, as stiff and tall as church steeples. Lord, I shall never forget the first time I see them. I paid a crittur, called Spencer Temple, a broken-down English lawyer, five pounds to show me the locations. When we returned to Victoria, the varmint spent the whole of the money in brandy, until he was a caution to sinners to behold. At last I got him up to my room, and had a bed made for him in one comer. Well, one night the crittur bounced out of bed in a ravin', tarin* fit, and standin' up in his shirt tail before my sea chest, which he took for a judge, sais he, making a low bow to it, " My lord," said he, "I must apologize to you for appearing before you not only without my wig and gown, but without my coat and trousers. A Yankee loafer, of the name of Peabody, has stolen them." "You miserable skunk," sais I, "I'd cowhide you if you were worth the leather, but you ain't. Your mother don't know you. Your skin is too loose for you. The galls don't like you, and what's more, you are a cussed bad bake into the bargain. Take that," says I 'afetchin' him a wipe or two across his back with my shot-bag. With that he jumped up on eend till his head struck the ceilin,' and then, fallin' on his knees, and holdin' up both his hands, he said, " My lord, I plead guilty, and throw myself on the mercy of the court — I will read an affidavit in mitigation of punishment." " Into bed with vou," sais I ; and I up with him in my arms, and forced him in, and then made him swaller a glass of brandy 16 TUB SEASON-TICKET. ' f I If and lauflannm, thdi soon pnt him to sloop and sot him a enorin Ukc a buffalo. I hud a tempestical tune with him I toll you.' 'The Fisheries,' continued the Senator, *are on a scale that is almost incredible. In Aupist and Septem- ber, the water is literally alive with Hulmon, of which there are seven distinct kinds. They are fine large fish, sometimes weighing- from fifty to sixty pounds, and, on an average, thirty of them, when cured, fill a barrel. Enormous quantities are caught by the Indians, who sell them to the Hudson's Bay Company, by whom they are exported to the Sandwich Islands, San Francisco, and the Spanish main. Herrings are also taken in immense numbers, likewise cod and lialibut. In short, as regards the fishery, Vancouver is to the Pacific what Newfound- land is to the Atlantic. The native hemp of the country has been proved, both in New York and New Orleans, to be superior to that of Russia. To all these advan- tages, which would be otherwise useless, we must add the harbours. I say nothing of those on the Sound and Straits (and they are very numerous), but I speak of Esquimault and Victoria, which are only three miles distant from each other, and at one point only separated by a strip of land six hundred yards wide. Esquimault is a circular bay or basin, hollowed by nature out of the solid rock. SaiHng through a narrow entrance between two low rocky promontories, you suddenly enter a land- locked harbour, that looks like a lake in a pine forest. It affords good anchorage, is very capacious, and has a depth of from five to eight fathoms of water. The environs are admirably suited for a city, and the entrance is so constructed by nature, that it can be easily fortified. The adjoining harbour of Victoria, where the capital is situated, though smaller and not so deep, is admitted by all who have seen it, to present the most beautiful plateau for a city in the world, which, as I have already said, will, at no distant day, cover the whole promon- tory that separates it from the other and larger port, and present the singular spectacle of a town having two harbours and two entrances from the sea. I have told AN EVENING AT CORK. 17 you (but I must repeat it, for it is most important to remember), that these two places, Esquimault and Vic- toria, (perhaps I might designate both as Victoria Bay), offer, with the exception of smaller ones, belonging to Vancouver, the only safe and approachable harbour, for several thousand miles of coast. I have hitherto spoken to you of the Island, without reference to British Columbia ; I have alluded merely to itself, its resources, and its climate ; but when you consider its position in reference to the main land, the fertile region of Frazer's River and Columbia, the Saskatchewan, the Red River, and the Canadas, and view it as the terminus of a line of railway from Halifax, Nova Scotia, on the Atlantic, and the centre of the trade of the East, you feel as if you required to pause and consider the subject in all its bearings, before you could at all appreciate the influence this young England is to exercise on the destinies of the world.' * Hear him, stranger,* said Peabody, * do for goodness gracious sake, now, just hear him ; how good he talks, don't he ? what a candid man he is, ain't he ? Ly, you do beat the devil ! Stranger ! he is only a bammin of you ; he knows as well as I do, we must 'nex it ; we can't help it, no how we can fix it. Go on and lay your railway, build the city, open the trade, erect churches, and appoint a bishop, make the dock-yards, construct the forts, and when you have done, let us know, and we will 'nex it. We can't afford to let you hold it, no more than we can afford to let Spain hold Cuby. We want them, and what we want we must have — that are a fact. It's contrary to the Munro doctrine, and the American destiny, that foreigners should plant new colonies in America. The first time you are engaged in war with some continental power, our people will go over there in shoals, call a public meeting, declare the place I independent, hoist our noble goose and gridiron flag, I and ask Congress to be 'nexed to the greatest nation in I all creation ! ! We shall then acknowledge the country I as independent, and as a great favour, 'nex it, and rc- \ 18 THE SEASON-TICKET. ccivc its mombors into ('onp:rc8H, and how can you stop us? It ain't in tlic natur of tliiii^ji'fl you c.in.* ' My p^ood fiiond,' 1 Huid, 'aithouj;h 1 havo novor boon at Vancouver Island, I am well acciuaintcd witli Canada, its people, and their loyal feeling. They now number three milliouH, which m about the extent of the popula- tion of the old colonioH, when they revolted and achi(!ved their independence. If at that time you w(M'(! able huc- cesfifully to rcHist the whole force of (jlreat Britain, I assure you the (Jana(UanH are fully compc^tent to defend their territory, and resolved to do bo aj^ainst aggression. They have not only no desire for annexation with the United States, but would consider it a g-reat misfor- tune ; nor do I believe the acquisition of British North America is desired by the intelligent portion of your people, even if it were practicable. There may be some excuse for your desiring an increase of territory on the south, as your commerce and peace .are both endangered and disturbed by the repeated revolutions among your Mexican neighbours, who are equally unable to govern themselves, or protect the lives and property of foreign- ers, who are resident among them. The inhabitants of British North America would deei)ly deplore a severance of the connexion with Great Britain ; and if such an event should ever occur, it will not arise from the annexation or conquest of their country by you, nor from a success- ful contest with the parent state, but from the natural course of events, in which colonies become too populous to be dependent, and their interests too complicated and important to be regulated otherwise than on the spot, by entire self-government. And be assured, that if they do become independent, it will be by the mutual consent and good-will, and, let me add, the mutual regret of both parties. Indeed, now that steam has bridged the At- lantic, and the electric telegraph annihilated distance, I cannot conceive how a separation can conduce to the interests of either party. The topic is not an agreeable one ; suppose we discuss it no further.' ' I entirely agree with you,' said the Senator. * Noisy demagogues may boast and brag about our destiny, but !' AN EVENING AT CORK. I'J no RonsiMo man amnnjj;' ur (IohItoh the incM'poration of liritiHli North America into our federal union. VV^e havo as imieli territory as we (;an j^overii ; and, aH Vancouver will he tla; g-reat naval station of England on tlu; Pacific, it will be as easily defended an any other portion of the empire. The system of g-overnment in the liritisli Pro- vinces is, in many resju'cts, different from ours; and we may both borrow from each otiicr many instructive les- sons. We must take care that a colony does not ex- hibit more real freedom, more respect for the laws, and more security for life and j)ropcrty than our great Re- public; while the Provincial (jrovernment must be equally carel'ul that its institutions are of a kind not to engender among its people a feeling of inferiority to their neigh- bours, (H' a desire to ac(piire rights which are enjoyed on the other side of their border, but withheld from them. As it is, your taxes, both municipal and provincial, are infinitely less than ours. We are content, and I am not aware that we could improve our condition. Go on and prosper. The happier you are, the better neighbours you will be to us ; and the more prosperous you become, the more intimate and valuable will be our connnercial rela- tions. There is room for us both. As a proof of what 1 have said, so soon as your great railway line shall liave been completed from Lake Superior to the Pacific, our China trade will pass through it as far as Red River, where a diverging branch will convey our goods and passengers to St. Paul's, in Minnesota, and from thence diffuse it over the whole Union. We are both equally interested in this route, for all the practicable passes through the Rocky Mountains aje in British Columbia, and tlie only harbours for large ships are situated in Vancouver. One thing is certain, the Australian, Japan, and Sandwich Islands mails and passengers must pass through this line, as well as the traffic to and from China. But + .11 me, please, how could your government have hermetically sealed, for so many years, that fertile and vast country lying between Lake Superior and the Pacific? They tell me that the great hunter, called Bear Ellice, from the number of bears he has destroyed, c 2 ' I 20 THE SEASON-TICKET. who rivals Colonel Crockett as a dead shot, and Gordon Gumming-, for his contests with wild beasts, once a Hud- eon's Bay Trapper, but now a member of Parhament, is the man who represented the whole territory as a howl- ing wilderness, frozen forty feet deep in winter, and burnt to a cinder in summer, and frightened Parliament into giving his Company the monopoly of the trade.* I could hardly refrain from laughing, to hear this sensible man talk such nonsense, and fall into such an absurd mistake. Neither the English nor Americans un- derstand each other ; and both are too apt to give credence to the most idle reports, and to impute motives that have no existence but hi their own imaginations. * Mr. Edward Ellice,* I said, ' is no hunter,* x assure you. lie is a large landed proprietor in Canada, and a leading partner of the Hudson's Bay Company, as well as a conspicuous member of Parliament. He is a man of great information and much influence, but not distin- guished, that ever I heard, for personal encounters with wild beasts. The sobriquet of " Bear" was given to him by his Whig friends (who are fond of bestowing nick- names) from a certain brusque manner, and an impatience of contradiction, though I could never see that he de- served it more tlian any other man of fixed opinions.* ' Will you swear,' said Peabody, ' he never killed a bearf ' I cannot undertake to do that,* I said ; * but I do not believe he ever shot one, nor do I think he ever had the opportunity of doing so.' * Will you swear he never frightened one to death ? because that's the way I am told he got the name of Bear. PU tell you how it was. He was one day out huntin* on that everlastin' big swamp, back of Red River, and the day was dark and cloudy, and he lost his way ; so down he puts his rifle, and up he climbs a great big dead pine tree as tall as a factory chimney, to see which course to steer. Well, when he got to the top, and surveyed the country all round, and see'd where he was, just as he turned to descend, he thought he heerd a noise in the tree, and seeing that it was hollow, what AN EVENING AT CORK. 21 does he do but let himself down into it like a sweep ; but, as he got near the butt, the size of the hollow increased, 80 he couldn't brace himself no longer, either by his hands or feet, and he slipped right down to the bottom chewallop, and what should he find there but two young cubs. Well, he gev himself up for lost. He knew he couldn't crawl up again ; and he knew if the old bear came arter him there would be no room to fight her, and he would be chawed up like a piece of baccy. Well, while he was thinkin' the matter over, all at once he lieard an awful grunt, and the place grew dismal dark, for the bear was coming down, raving, roaring, dis- tracted mad, starn foremost, as bears always do. What does he do, when he sees the fix he was in, but stand below, and, as the bear was about touchin' bottom with her hind legs, he seizes hold of her by the fur of her thighs with his hands, gives a tremendous, great, long, enduring yell, like a panther, and then seizes the tail in his teeth, and bit away like a shark. Up runs the bear as fast as she could, dragging EUice after her, who, when he got to the top gave another nip and another yell, and then slid down the tree arter the bear, got hold of his gun, and just as he levelled on her, down she dropt dead from fright ; so he just skinned her, and made tracks for the Fort. Ever arter that they called him "Bear ElHce :" fact, I assure you.' 'Why, Peabody,' said the Senator, * that's Colonel Crockett's story; why, surely, you know better than that.' * Well,' replied the other, * so I always thought it was the Colonel that performed that are feat, and when I was at the diggins to Frazer's River, I told that story one night, as Colonel Crockett's, but there wer a Scotch- man there, a great, tall, raw-boned critter, as hard as a racer and as lank as a greyhound, and Scotch like (for they boast of having done every clever thing since the flood), he swore it was their great factor and hunter, Ellice, that did it. I bet twenty dollars with him on it, and we left it to the company to decide, and as there was only seven of us in camp, and five were fWnKSrenasrrsnK!; „. .jwngi ^w >i innm ix u miii jumi 22 THE SEASON-TICKET. Scotchmen, they gev it against me, in course, and I paid down the money, and did the thing genteel. Well, plague take the money, I don't care for that, but I am proper glad to hear it was Crockett arter all, for the credit of our great nation. If ever I meet that are great, gaunt Scotchman again, I'll take the money out of his pocket, or the valy out of his hide ! see if I don't.' ' Well, well,' said the Senator, 'if that don't beat all, it's a pity ; how hard it is to believe what you hear, ain't it, let your authority be ever so good ? Perhaps, after all, the thing never happened to either, and was what we call " made out of whole cloth." But that monopoly was a foolish thing, and well-nigh cost you the country, for had it not been for the discovery of gold at Frazer's River, it is probable the whole territory would have passed by possession and squatting into our hands.' * How is it,' I said, ' you talk so httle about the gold fields V ' Because,' he replied, ' as I before observed, I consider them merely " as the means to an end." I have been speaking of that which depends on industry and enterprise, of permanent intrinsic resources, of a com- manding position, of a commercial depot, that, with our knowledge of the globe, can never be rivalled. The gold deposits will attract the population necessary to settle the country, and nurture and mature its commerce ; but it has a value far beyond " the diggings " that will enrich it for ages after the gold fields have been exhausted. I do not undervalue the immense auriferous deposits of British Columbia. You must trust to them to stimulate emigration, but you must look to the country itself to retain the population thus attracted. The diggers must be fed, and their expenditure will support the farmer and the fisherman, until extended commerce shall require and repay the united efforts of all. In a few years the whole face of the country will be changed, and communities and cities will start hito existence as if by magic. The enterprise, science, and energy of the West, will require and command the labour of the East, and Vancouver AN EVENDfG AT CORK. 23 will be the centre where the products of both hemis- pheres will be exchanged.' ' What,' I asked, ' do you estimate the distance to be from Liverpool to Vancouver, via Halifax, for much of what you say must depend upon that V ' The entire distance,' he said, 'is about 5,G00 miles '— Liverpool to Halifax, say . . From Halifax to Quebec .. Thence to Lake Huron, is . . Thence to the head of J^ake Superior Thence, vld Red River and diggings to the mouth of frazer's River, on the Pacitic MILES. 2,1()6 600 600 534 1,500 6,600 That is, the passage to Halifax will occupy nine days, and the journey thence to Vancouver, six days — in all, fifteen days to the Pacific from Liverpool. Why, stranger, I was once fifty-five days in a sailing-vessel, making the voyage from England to Boston. You must remember that the route, with the exception of the At- lantic, is wholly through British America, while the shortest one, now in use, through Panama, is 8,200 miles, being 2,600 miles longer than by the Canadian route. From Vancouver to Canton, the distance is 0,900 miles, and to Sydney, 8,200. Thus, the saving in distance is such that the mails can be conveyed to Aus- tralia in ten days less than by Panama, while the journey to Pekin can be performed in thirty days. But enough has been said ; you have the shortest possible route, and the most practicable, through your own territory, from one ocean to the other, the finest harbours in the world (Halifax and Esquimault), abundance of coal at the termini, and the most direct communication with all the eastern world. With the exception of the sea voyages, you can proceed from London to the Himalaya moun- tains on the borders of China, through British posses- sions. And now, what do you say to the route to bedf 'Goodnight, and good-bye,' I said; 'I have to thank you for a very agreeable and instructive evening, and f ' 'H r Mil 24 THE SEASON-TICKET. am sorry we must part so soon. I embark for South- ampton to-morrow ; here is my address ; I shall be happy to see you there.' * Thank you,' he replied ; * we shall find ourselves there next week, and hope to have the pleasure of meeting you again.* * Stranger,* said Mr. Peabody, as he shook me by the hand, * you were not born yesterday, I guess. I wasi only sparrin,* and had the gloves on. If I hit you, i( was only a poke given in fun. Good night ;* and as h( emptied his glass, he added, * Here's to our next meet* ing, whenever and wherever that may be.* WALKS; TALES, AND CHALKS. 25 No. II. WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. The older I grow the less reliance I place on circum- Btantial, or what lawyers call presumptive evidence. This, we are told, is founded upon the connection which human experience demonstrates usually to exist between certain facts and circumstances and certain other events. When the one occurs, the others are presumed to accom- pany them, almost as a matter of course. The proba- bihty is so strong in some cases, that they say it creates a moral conviction. In my opinion, this ought not to be called a presumption of law, but a piece of presumption in lawyers. Nothing can be more unsafe or uncertain than this mode of drawing conclusions from probabilities ; for my experience accords with that of Rochefoucault, who maintains that * what is probable seldom happens.* Indeed, it appears to me sometimes as if everybody and everything in the world was perverse. Few things turn out as you expect. No one does what he is desired to do; even if he complies with an order he fails to execute it in the manner and at the time prescribed. Our best-laid plans are frustrated, and our fondest hopes destroyed ; * The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong.* If you wish to exhibit a child to advantage it is sure to misbehave ; if you are anxious to show the walking or trotting powers of a horse, he obsti- nately refuses to use either pace, but persists in breaking into a canter ; if he has speed, he either won't exert him- self, or he bolts, and you lose both your patience and your money ; if you have a good church living, your son will not take holy orders ; if you have an entailed estate, your wife most provokingly presents you with daughters only. Without any reasonable cause you dislike the i 26 THE SEASON-TICKET. heir presumptive, and your life is consumed in vain regrets that your property must not only pass away from your family, but go to the very person above all others in the world w^iom you do not wish to be your successor. The rector of your parish, whom you fondly hoped would be an ally, a confidential adviser, and a welcome guest, is a thorn in your side that you can neither extract nor endure. lie is either a Puseyite, who opens the gate, g^ubs out his Master's marks, lets his sheep escape and mix with the flock in the next pasture, and is not honest enough to follow them ; or he is an ultra Evangelical, who desj)ises all ecclesiastical authority, until he becomes a Bishop, when he preaches from every text but charity and humility. As a landed proprietor, you sometimes think his sermon is personal, and is meant for you ; and the congregation seem to be of the same opinion, for when he alludes to Ahab covet- ing his neighbour's vineyard, all eyes are turned upon you. If, after consulting the moon and the barometer, you give a fete champetre, as soon as the company assembles, a gale of wuid arises, prostrates your tents, and the rain falls in torrents, driving your dripping guests into the house ; the piano is appealed to as a last resource, and some wicked friend sings, in mockery of your affliction — * There's nae luck abo't the house.' Nor are you less perverse yourself. If you have to rise early for a journey you are sure to feel so uncommonly sleepy that morning, that you would give all the world for another nap ; if you have a duty to perform, it becomes irksome, not because it is difficult, but because it must be done ; it is therefore })ostponed until the latest moment, and then something occm's that prevents its being attended to at all. Indeed, the events of life, like dreams, appeal in the words of the old proverb, 'to go by contraries.' I have been led into this train of reflection by what occurred in the smoking-room at Cork. It was natural to suppose that om* conversation, as travellers, would WALKS, TALKS, AND CUALKS. 27 have turned upon the place we were in, or the country in which it waH situated ; but instead of that, we trans- ported ourselves more than five thousand miles away, and discoursed upon Vancouver and the Interoceanic Railway. It is always so. At sea we never talk of the ship, unless it be to ascertain our progress ; and when we arrive at the port of our destination, the past, and not the present, occupies our attention. The reason we are so little improved by our travels is, we allow our thoughts to be diverted from the object we had in view when we left home. Experience ought to make us wiser ; and I shall endeavour hereafter not to fall into a similar error. I have neither the station nor the abihty to lead conversation, but I shall strive for the future to turn it to topics connected with the country in which I am sojourning. But what avail good resolutions 1 As I have already said, I had just taken a " season ticket " on the line between Southampton and London, and had no sooner determined on that mode of amuse- ment, than unforeseen circumstances for a time diverted me from my plan, and induced me to cross the Channel to Ireland. It is not very easy to know one's own mind, but we no sooner arrive at a conclusion than the wind veers, and we change our course. The South-Western Company have got my money, and I have my ticket in my pocket. When shall I use it? Time alone can answer — I cannot. On the morning after my accidental meeting with the Americans, as related in the last chapter, my friend Gary called to say that unforeseen difficulties having arisen to prevent the completion of the business on which he had come to Ireland, he could not possibly return for several days, and he begged me to remain till he was ready to embark. ' Zackly,' said Mr. Peabody, who just then entered the coffee-room — ' Zackly, stranger : hold on by your eyelids and belay where you be. Senator and I are going right slick off to Killarney, like a streak of greased hghtning, and will bo back agin 'bout the latter eeud of the week, 28 THE SEASON-TICKET. as sure as rates. S'posen yon g;o witli us. It will help you to pass the time, and that's better nor being caged here like a toad, that's growed over when it's asleep with bark, and gets coffined in a pine tree. Let's have some " walk,% talks, and chalks " about the Lakes. Senator can talk " Proverbs of Solomon " to you, for he is well np in the Book of Wisdom, and the Irish are the boys for " Lamentations." It's no wonder they had a famine, when the country raises nothen' but grievances, and that's a crop that grows spontenaciously here. It covers the mountains and bogs, and the hills, and the valleys ; it pysons the lawns, and it overruns the parks. It spiles the gravel walks, and it grows in the pavement of the streets. It's like that cussed weed charlock, if vou kill one root of it, fifty come to the funeral, and a hundred more put in a claim to the v U. If you go for to weed it, the Devil himself couldn't pull it out without tearing up the wheat along with it. B'lt that's neither here nor there. It's their business — not ourn ; and my rule is, to let every feller skin his own foxes. If an Irishman will fill his knapsack with grievances, he has a right to do so ; he has to carry it, and not me. I am looking after fun, not grievances. You are all packed up. S'posen you jine Senator and me? We have both travelled a considerable sum. I'll swop nannygoats with you, and give you boot when you tell the best one. I'll tell you stories all day long, till the cows come home. Waiter, put the gentleman's plunder and fixins into the car ;' and before I had time to reflect, I was off. * Quomecunque rapit tempcstas, deferor hospes.* * Perhaps,' I thought, ' it is all for the best ; as I have had no opportunity of forming expectations I cannot be disappointed.' After we had proceeded a short distance, Peabody suddenly stood up on the car, and addressing the driver, said, ' Hallo ! where under the blessed light of the living sun are you a-going to, you scaly son of a sea-sarpint ? Didn't I tell you to diive to the Railroad V ■ ■ WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 20 * Sure, yer honner, isn't it to the rael road I am going with yer honner, and his lordship from England there,* pointing to me. 'Well, let her went then,' said the Yankee, * for I am wrathy, and if I lose the train, the devil a cent will you get out of my pocket, if you take mo up by the heels and shake me for an hour. Go ahead,' and he gave a yell that brought to their feet a dozen men in a field, who were lazily contemplating from the ground the incredible amount of work they had done that morning. The horse started under its influence into a gallop, which nearly jerked us off the car, and the driver cast a terrified glance at the performer, to ascertain whether or not he had the devil for a passenger, for neither he nor any one else who had not ascended the head waters of the Missis- sippi ever before heard such an unearthly shriek. Then, suddenly seizing the reins, Peabody stopped the horse, and said, * Come now, a joke is a joke, and I have no objection to one when I fire it off myself, but I ain't a target for every fellow to practise on, I tell you. Now, do you know where you are going, you skulpin, you V * Is it do I know where I am going to ? ' * Come now, no shuflBing, but be straight up and down, like a cow's tail. Say yes or no V * Well, I do, yer honner.' * Where to ? ' * To Killarney. Sure I heard yer honner say you was going to Killarney.' * Yes, but I didn't tell you to go there. I told you to drive to the railway.' ' And so you are on the rael way, yer honner ; and the rael way it is for gentlemen like you to travel where you can have the whole carriage to yourselves, and see all the country, instead of being shut up like a convict, going to Spike Island, in that coffin of a box on the line, where you can't see nothen for the smoke and the dust, and can't get out to walk up the hills, and stretch your legs, let alone have a pipe. Sure, it's myself that knows the countiy entirely, every inch of it, far and near ; all that you can see, let alone what is out of sight, and the demesnes, and them that they belong to, forby them 30 THE SEASON-TICKET. that was the real owners before tlie confiahcations. I)i(hi't I drive the AiiKM-'u-iui Ainbassador and liis niece, God bless 'em both; and (h(hi't they bestow tlieir money on the f)oor as Iree as liail. " Pat," says his Lordship to me (tlio' my name is Larry, for furriners always think an Irisliman's name is Pat), "take that trilie, my boy," putting- a piece of g-oold into my liand, that had an ai^le on it, wi(i its win^s spn^ad out, as if it was making for its own nest at Killarney — " take that, Pat, and drink to the health of the Americans, the friends of old Ireland." ' All this, and more, was addressed to Mv. Feabody, whom the quick-witted driver soon perceived, from his pronunciation and manner, to be an American ; nor was it thrown away upon him ; it reconciled him to the trick that had been played upon him, about the railway sta- tion. ' Jiut,' said he, before he assented to this change of route, ' how can that horse take so many of us ? ' ' Take so many of yez, is it ? Bedad, he'd take the whole of ye, and two more in the well besides, and i e proud to do it, too. lie is worth both of Mike Cal- laghan's nags, who travelled the whole distance with only one leg atwcen the two.' ' How was that ? ' said the Yankee. ' Why, he rode one of them hisself, and as he didn't set sideways like a gall, in coorse there was only one leg ativeen them.'' ' Stranger,' said Peabody, ' you may take my hat. Score me down for that ; you have aimed it, and I will stand treat. Drive on !' It is needless to say that the animal, as Pat knew full well, was unequal to the work, and that we had to hire relays on the road, to complete our journey. It is not my intention to narrate the incidents on the way, or to speak of the country through which we passed. Guide-books and ' Tours ' innumerable have exhausted the subject. Nor shall I attempt to describe the far-famed Lakes, and their varied scenery, at once so sublime and beautiful. Indeed, had I the incUnation, I am free to confess I have not the power to do so. I had seen Killarney before on several occasions, and every time came away more and more impressed with its WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 31 slnf^ular boanty. No doRcription I have ever road con- veys an adequate idea of tlic ex(iuiKitc aconcry, and no place 1 am aecpiainted with in any i)art of the world can at all be compared with it. The American lakes are in geiHM'al i<.'^» tame and isolated, and those of Canada too larg-e. There is nothin/j;' like Killarney ; of its kind. It is unicpie. The English lakes, h)vely thoug-h they un- doubtedly be, are on a different scale ; and much of the interest attached to the Scotch is poetical and adventi- tious. Killarney is as dissimilar as it is superior to them all. And now that it is so accessible, and the hotel accommodation is so good, it argues either great prejudice or want of taste in English tourists to leave it unvisited. The Senator expressed the same high opinion of these Irish lakes, but appeared to think that those in the White Mountains of New Hampshire might well bear a comparison with them, and regretted that they were so remote, and so little known. ' I have seen the lakes to which you refer,' I said; ' but I must beg leave to differ with yon when you put them on an equality with these. The White Mountains are so lofty (for they are the highest range north and east of the Mississippi), that they dwarf, as it w^ere, the lakes they enclose, which seem mere basins, while the evergreen pines and firs (for there is but little variety in the forest trees) are sombre and melancholy, and a sense of loneliness and isolation comes over you that is almcct appalling. Here there is endless variety, as well as great luxuriance of fohage — the elm, the ash, the gigantic holly, and the arbutus, are beautifully intermingled, while the mountains not only vary very much in size, but, what is of still more im- portance, do not overpower the scene. Everything here is in keeping, and in due proportion, and I may add, in its right place. The wild, barren, and rocky Gap of Dunloe, instead of protruding into the foreground, is so situated as not only not to disfigure the scene but to prepare you by contrast for the magnificent and gorgeous panorama which so suddenly arrests and enchants you as you emerge from the gorge. The scenery of the New Hamp- 89 TIIE SEASON-TICKET. ehirc Mountain Lakes is grand, but not pleasing ; and the locality is so apart from the world, that you feel as if you were the first and only man that had ever looked U{)on it. Tiiey have no tone, no ligiit and shade, no m((ll()wness ; all is bright, sunny, and dazzling. The outline, though waving and graceful, is too distinct and too Hhar|)ly defuKHl, while the atmosphere is so dry, and the sky so high and clear, that it presents one unvarjring asjHict : you can take it all in a", one; view, and carry away with you a distinct impression of it. But Killar- ney, from the peculiarity of its climate, displays every variety of expression. The errant fleecy clouds, the passing shower, the translucent mist, and the deep bhick thunder-cloud, the oft-recurring, often-varying light and shade, and the smiles and tears of nature, must be seen to be appreciated ; they defy alike the pencil and the pen. The lake of the White Mountains, like every other in America, has no associations connected with it, and no extrinsic interest. Poetry has clothed it with no charms ; History has refused it a name, and excluded it from its pages. The primeval shades of the mountains chill you, and the unbroken silence of its solitude fills you with awe. Killarney, on the other hand, has its ruins of noble structures, its traces of the hand of cultivated man, its memories, its legends, and traditions. Learning and piety have had theu* abode here in remote ages, and heroes and warriors repose in death in the strongholds and fastnesses that proclaim their power and valour. It is a fairy land, and the marvellous mirage reproduces their departed spirits in shadowy forms, as they return at long intervals to revisit the spot that, living, they loved so well. The monks rise from their graves, and in long and solemn processions devoutly enter the ruined temples, the walls of which were once vocal with their music ; and the spectral O'Donoghuo emerges with his charger from the lake, and madly courses through the mountains, in mimic rehearsal of the chase — a ruling passion strong in death.' * Well, stranger,' said Peabody, * what's all that when it's fried ? Do you mean to say the dead walk here V WALKS) TALIW, AND CHALKS. 88 * I mean to say/ 1 replied, * "^hat there arc many personfi who have Hcen what 1 havr chited, fully bulievo in the reality, and arc ready to aweur to it/ 'Do you believe itf * I Haw a proeeHHion of monks once myself pass over a bridge ereeted at the instant, and enter the ruins of the abbey on the Island of Innisfalleii, when both bridge and jiriests suddenly disa[>peared from view; this was about ten years ago.' ' Stranger,' said he, 'travellers see onaccoun table things sometimes ; but, in a general way, these wonders happen far from hum. Now, I onee saw a strange thing, and only once, near hum/ and he sang, to the tune of ' Oh, Susannah,' the following stanza, with an indescribably droll expression : — ' I took a walk one moonlipjht night. When ebhory ting was still, I thought I saw dead Susan dero, A coming down de hill. Do buckwheat cake was in her mouth, De tear was in her eye ; Says I, "My luh, I'm from de South, Susannah, don't you cry." ' So you don't think the lake of the White Mountains |c(iual to Killarney, eh ? Did you go through the notch V I'l did.' 'And ain't that equal to the Gap of Dunloe?' "' I think not.' ' Well, did you see that are gi'eat lake dtU a 'tarnal long Indian name to it that no created crit- ter can pronounce without halting and drawing breath, it's so full of a's, and i's, and o's, and u's, that if stretched )ut straight it would reach clean across the water? Be- cause, if you did, in course you saw the hot, biling spring- In the bank, at the foot of the falls, where trout a yard png jump right in, alive and kicking, and cook themselves dthout any touss or trouble ; did you see that V ' No, did not.' ' Neither did I,' said he, with an uproarious laugh, ' nor ere a Green or White Mountain boy that ever lived neither ; but I thought yow might, for there are folks In England who think they know more about our everlast- p' great nation, and have heard and seen more of it than D i I If .i- f '■' M r 84 THE SEASON-TICKET. I any Yankee that ever trod slioc-leathcr. Vr\\y, one of your British Keoiinsals to Boston vows ho has seen the great sea-sarpint there, with his own blessed eyes, and his wife says she will ditto the statement with her affidavy! As for coniparin' the two lak(»s, the American and the Irish, and saying which is the liandsumest, I won't under- take the task : p'raps you are riglit, and p'rtips you ain't, may be kinder sorter so, and may be khider sorter not so. But what's the odds? Beauty is a very fine tiling; but you can't hve on it ! A handsum gall and a handsuni view are pretty to look at (though of the two give me the gall) and if you had nothen' else to do but to look, you could afford to stare as hard as an owl. But in this here practical world of ourn, the mouth requires to be attended to as well as the eyes, and kicks up an awful bobbery if it's neglected. Now this place is all very well in its way, but it don't pay. The wood is scrubby and not fit to cut for timber ; and if it was, tliough there is plenty of water there is no fall for a saw mill — no powerful privilege of any kind. There are many other places I would sooner spekelate in to set up saw, grist, or factory mills. There is a 'nation sight of good localities in this country for the cotton fabric business, and I have been prospecting near Galway, now that the Atlantic steamers come to Ireland. But it won't do to establish manufactories in this country, the people are too divided. Factories and factions, like fire and water, are antagonistic piinciples : put the fire onder the water and it biles right up, foams, frets, and runs over, and if you shut it up, it explodes, scalds, and kills everybody ; put the water on the fire, and it first quenches, and then puts it dead out. There is no such country in the world, if the people had only sense enough to know it. But they can't see, and if you give 'em tele- scopes they either look through the big eend, and reduce great things to trifles, or they put the httle eend to their eyes, and magnify mole-liills hito mountains. It takes a great many different kinds of folk to make a world, and as every country is a Uttle w^orld in itself, it must have all sorts of people in it too. Italy has only Italians, Spain, Spaniards, Portugal, Portuguese, and so on, and they are I AVALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 35 ly, one of 5 seen the 3S, and his ' affidavy ! 1 and the n't under- you ain't, ter not so. hing"; but handsuni [ve me the look, you I this here ) attended bobbery if n its way, : fit to cut Y of water 'ivilege of lid sooner s. There :ry for tlic 3ting near Ireland. s country, ;ions, like the fire frets, and calds, and id it first no such 3e enoug'li 'em tele- nd reduce d to their It takes a ■Id, and as b have all Qs, Spain, 1 they are ':* all Romanists ; and see what a mess they make of it in their manufactures, commerce, and government! They are behind all creation, they are just what creation was made out of — chaos ! They are all one way of thinking. You must have many men of many minds to go ahead. Now, England and the United States produce every sort and kind of ojnnion : Catholics, Greeks, Church (high and low), Presbyterians (Kirk, Antiburghers, Free Church, and Seceders), Methodists (Primitive and Episcopal), Unitarians, Baptists (of all shades of colour and dye), Independents, Quakers, Moravians, Universalists, Luthe- rans, and ever so many more dittoes, too numerous to mention in a catalogue, so we must call 'em etcetera. Well, you see wdiat is the consequence ? Why, they all get along their own road, and no one asks the other where he is going, and p'raps he couldn't tell him if he did. 'No man wants to know another man's creed, any more than he does his name. He has got his own conscience, his own purse, and his own luggage to look arter ; it is as much as he can cleverly do. Each one minds his own business, and never mislests another. Now, here you see, it is another guess kind of matter. There are only two sorts, as a body might say — Celt and Sassenach, or, Catholic and Protestant — and Protestant here means only Church and Presbyterians, who make common cause against the other. Well, what's the result? These two great bodies, you see, can't agree in nothen. If you go for to talk of schools, they keep apart, like the two for- rard wheels of a stage coach, five feet exactly. If they come to elections, it's the same thing ; if they meet, they fight ; all, too, for the sake of religion ; and if they as- semble in a jury-box, it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. Killing comes natural, half the places in Ire- land begins with kill ; there is Killboy (for all Irishmen are called boys), and what is more onmanly, there is Kill- bride ; Killbaron, after the landlords ; Killbarrack, after the EngUsh soldiers ; Killcrew, for the navy ; Kilbritain, for the English proprietors; Killcool, for deliberate murder, and Killmore, if that ain't enough. Stranger, one sect, whatever it is, won't do, for then the clergy are d2 w i'T Bw! m\ ' ■ '. 3G THE SEASON-TICKET. apt to get fat and sarcy ; and only two sorts is worse, for they fight as they do here. But you must have all sorts and kinds, so that no two will agree to quarrel with an- other. Sectarian spirit is either too strong or too weak here ; if it is too strong, it should be diluted by mixing other kinds ; if it is too weak, the English should send them more ingredients to strengthen it, and make it rael jam. You have seen the Mississippi where the Ohio joins it? Well, the two streams keep a})art, and you can trace the separate waters of different colours, ever so far down ; they don't mix. Its just the same with the St. Lawrence and the Ottowa, where they meet together and make one river, each keeps his own side, one sticks to the right, and the other to the left. And you have seen the Gulf-stream. Well, you may talk of ile and water not mixing, and there is no wonder in that, because their natures are different ; but the Gulf- stream won't unite with the ocean ; it keeps to itself for thousands of miles, and this is a natural curiosity, for they are both water, and even storms, tempestical hurricanes, and currents won't mingle them. Now, that's the case here — the Celt and the Sassenach elements won't mix ; and yet, both call themselves Christians, and both, like the two streams in the Mississippi, have different colours — one orange, and one green. It fairly beats the bugs. They want other currents to neutralize them. What's your ideas ? What's the reason, while we are one people in the States, the English one people, and the Scotch united also, the Irish are tivo people ? As you are used to expoundin', Ly, expound that, will you ? for it passes me.' ' Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator (who seemed a httle disconcerted at the allusion to his functions as an Elder), ' let me remind you, again, that when you speak of religion in the tiippant and irreverent manner you have just now done, you exhib''f a want of good taste and good sense. It is not suitable to refer to it in a conver- sation like the present, so I must decline to pursue the topic. As regards the fatal affrays, and agrarian out- rages that sometimes take place here, recollect that they WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 37 s, ever so are often magriified for party purposes ; and as the British pubhc have an appetite for horrors, every case is paraded in tlie newspapers with a minuteness of detail tliat is calculated to pander to this diseased taste. Tlie number of liomicides in Ireland falls short of what occurs in the United States. I am informed on the best authority, that, on an averap;-e, there occurs one a day in the city of New York.' ' What do you call the best authority ? ' asked his friend. ' The J3ishop of the Diocese.' 'Well, I don't,' said Peabody. ' I call the police re- cords the only rehable accounts, liecollect bishops must paint ' ' Pray, abstain from that style of conversation,' said the Senator. ' What you say about our being one people, is tnie of us as a whole, but not locally so. The French and their descendants, at New Orleans, as you know, keep apart, and live in different sections of the city. So they do in Canada, and other places, because they are, m fact, tAvo people, with two dil'ferent lan- guages, and two different creeds, sympathies, and customs, and one is a conquered people. They are gradu- ally becoming absorbed, because they are on all sides surrounded by the Americans; but the process of absorption is not yet complete. ' This is the case with the Irish (who are also a con- quered j)eople) with the exception of their having less tendency to amalgamation, because they are surrounded — not by the English — but hy the sea. In addition to this, the old penal laws and disability acts of former times, which were equally unjust and impohtic, erected impassable barriers between the two races. Such dis- tinctions in our country cannot long be maintained, for there are no old gi'ievances for demagogues to agitate upon. There are no confiscated estates there before their eyes to remind the descendants of the former owners that their patrimony is in the hands of the spoiler ; no ruins to attest the ravages of the conqueror; no mouldering cathedrals to recal to mind the i)iety and misfortunes of their ancient clergy ; and, above all, no i m .f:y m 88 THE SEASON-TICKET. ■I titlioR to pay to a clnircli which thoy disown and dislike. So tlicro is a reason for the r.tat(; of thhig-s we see here, thouf»-h no justification ; for it matters little whether a grievance is well founded or not aniori^ the commonalty of mankind so loned, it estranges as often as it conciliates them. In)i)ose your language, and the conquest is com- plete.' ' Zactly,' said Pcnibody. ' It reminds me of an Eye- talian 1 once knew at Utica, called Antonio, who, when he had huirniMl a little English, married a Scotch gall, that could only speak Gaelic. I used to split my sides a hxrfing to hear tlie gibberish they talked ; a droll time they had of it, 1 tell you, and their signals was as onin- tclligible as tlieir tidk. Well, some years afterwards, who should I m(»et but Antonio, in the market at Boston. So says I, "Antonio," says I, "how do you and your Scot-^h wife get on ? " " Well," says he, " so well as wo did, and more better now, except scoldy, then she talk Gatjlic so faster as ever, and I speak ItaUan, and wc no iniderstandy one 'nother no more. Then she first cry, then laugh, and we shake hands, and talk slow, and come good-natured." You are right, Ly, you must larn a gall's language, or she must larn yourn, afore you can make love. When I was a boy at night-school, I used to find larnen came easier by kissing over a book than by crying over it by a long chalk.' ' What nonsense you talk, Peabody ? ' said the Senator. ' It's not tlie fault of the Government now,' he continued, 'though folks are always ready to blame Government for everything that goes wrong, but it's the fault of circumstances. Time, railways, and the general civiliza- tion of mankind are gradually making the change. The Danes, the Romans, the Normans, and so on, arc all amalgamated in England now, and form one race — the better for the mixture — who have one language, the i WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 39 md dislike, e see here, whether a Hnmonalty evaiice. I lifticulty to of all their tions g-oes ing-s of a conciliates L'st is coni- )f an Eye- vvho, when cotcli p:all, my sides a droll time fis as onin- iftervvards, at Boston. and your well as we n she talk and we no ! first cry, slow, and you must afore you t-school, I ver a book le Senator, continued, ivernment le fault of •al civiliza- nge. The )n, are all race — the ,'uage, the richer and T)etter for the mixture also. Ireland has liitherto been out of the world, steam has now brought it witlun it, and it can't help feeling the influence of ex- tended commerce and free intercourse with the people of other countries. Railways have com])letely altered the character and habits of our backwoodsmen. They have brought them to our cities, and takcjn our citizens to them, and they are acquainted with all that is going on in the United States and elsewhere. Steamers have civilised the whole populaticm of the Mississippi, who were in f;ict a few years ago, what they called them- selves, " half hunters, half alligator, with a cross of the devil." There is now no such place in the Union as Vixburg was twenty or thirty years ago. The Church lias su[)erseded the gambling-house, and Lynchers and Regulators have given place to the duly constituted officers of the law. We owe to steam more than we are aware of. It has made us what we are, and, with the blessing of God, will elevate and advance us still more. The same process is going on in Ireland, though more slowly, from the causes 1 have mentioned. Still the ira- })rovement is so great, that I, who have not been here for ten years, hardly know the country. The famine was an awful scourgt;, but Providence ordained that it should furnish a useful lesson. It taught the people that Protestants had kind hearts, and generous impulses, and it j)romoted a better feeling between the two sects. A common danger produced a common sympathy, in which br(jtlierly love can alone take root.' ' Yes,' said l^eabody, ' but when a common danger is over, conunon instincts spring right up again, like grass after it is mowed, and are as strong as ever. My brother Jabez had an awful instance of that oust, that frightened him out of a year's growth, indeed it stopped it alto- gether he was so allfired skeer'd. He is six feet two, now, in his shoes, and if it hadn't a been for that are shock to his narvous system, I do raily think he would have stood seven in his stocldng feet. Was you ever in Indianny, stranger ? ' ' Yes, I have hunted buffalo there.' f;li i! i 40 THE SEASON-TICKET. ' Well, tlion, Jaboz livorl there once afore the flood.' There was Rometiiin<^ ko comical in this exi»ression that I could not resist lau{2;'hin What ^vliisky, ;o you.' ' if it'B lall be,' ; for the tie,' and \^ time, eked so missed ad the whisky, instead ed him and my uld, for hisky." ng very ly other ted; at ►ngruity whether ry fond y know I am iifferent ages, and hy people in different countrioH, who were not aware a similar idea had oceurred to, and been expressed by otiiers. 1 have heard repartees and smart sayings related here, as having been uttered by well-known wits, that I have myself lieard in Ameriea, and often long- before they were perpetrated here. If you relate a storj' of that kind, you are met by the observation, "Oh, that was said by Sidney Smith, or Theodore Ilook, or some other wit of the day." ' For instance, there is the story of the man, who, on his death-bed, recommended his son to be honest, as he knew it was the best poli<'y, having tried both 'courses. Now, it is certain that has been told in Scotland, in England, America, and Spain. To retail it gives you the reputation of being tvjo familiar with Joe Miller. ' Discoveries are of the same kind : many men gain credit for what was known ages ago. Harvey has the credit of being the first who discovered the circulation of the blood, and his remains are at present sought out, for the purpose of erecting a monument to his memory. But that it was known to the ancients is very certain. Longinus' ' 1 knew him,* said Peabody. * I was present at his trial, and saw him hanged at New Orleans — I did upon my soul. He was a nigger, and one of the most noted l)irates on the coast of Cuby. He made more blood cir- culate I guess, than any man I ever heard tell of ; he was of opinion dead men tell no tales, so he always murdered the crew of every vessel he captured ; he cut the throats of all his prisoners, and then threw their bodies overboard. I shall never forget a rise I took out of Mrs. Beecher Stowe about Longinus. I met her once at New York, just before she came over here, to :| make fools of whimpering gals and spooney Lords about # Uncle Tom. Just as if such things could be true ! Why, :| stranger, does it stand to reason, and convene to com- |mon sense, now, if a real good workin' nigger, and a ^trusty one too, is worth a thousand dollars, his master %would be such a born fool and natural idiot as to go and log him to death, and lose both hhu and his money, any (i' ^ 1 (JL. , m 40 THE 8EA80N-TICKKT. y I inon' th;»n h(» would ili-UH(» a HU|)('r-Rnp(M'ior hoi'Ro! Wliy it liiirt irripoKHihility Htaiiipcd on IIk^ liuu; n( it, UH plain UH licr Huyul lli<;iiii('HS tlic Quccii'h hciul in Hlaiiipcd on a twcnty-Hliiliin;^ piece; tiiut tiicy ("dl a Hov('r('i;^n. I liat(! hucIi cant — I iiatc tlictn tliat tidk .such ri^MrjaioJcH, and I dcHpisc tiic fools that hrlicvc! tlicm and turn up the whites of their ev<'H, like dyin;;,- cialves, and say : '* Oh, how horrid ! how shockin/j;- ! what a pity it is such a hitler thin;;' as slavery should hear such Hweet fruit as su^ar," a!id then call for another linnp to put in their tea, to show their sincerity. It makes my (hinder rise, I tell you. VVell, Aimt Stow(> was collecting horrors, like Madam(i Tussaud, when 1 met her. So, thiidH, sayH H, polly- {' food — li(' diim- iiiid, and iiist, Mr. Eastovii England tlie two iccy, first uiusi tlu5 nd if he ilio-o-inj;- a uovov ho his ri^'ht the hour! a fooUno; while h(^ icaiitiful, ()U know. an awful ong ; but I't. Artcr '.VALKS, TAl.Kfl, AND CHALKS. 47 i your ])ook nailed 'TIk; Key to Undo Tom' m out, wc whall Ih? ublo to (;arry a President from the Eastern states, that's a fa(;t." '"Oh, Mr. I'eahody," fiho said, "oh, fie! now, d(m't your heart hleed (us the Duchess said to me) for the poor ni/^'-gcirs ?" " 'No, marm," sals T, "I am happy to say it don't. Bleedinj^'' at the luiif^'-s is had (Mioiij^h ; it's lik(! ^oin' up- stroam with a high pressure hoiler : you don't know the minute? it will hurst and Mow you into dead man's land. But hiee(Un' at the heart, marm, is Buddc ii death any which way you fix it." ' " Oh, dear," she said, " Mr. Peabody, what a droll man you be ; but our people down east are so clever, as th(! Duchess observed to me, ain't they? You, feel for them, as the Countess of Ben Nevis told me she did, don't y(m?" *■ " Countess of Ben Nevis," said I ; " only think of a lord being called Ben? Uk(» Ben Franklin, th(i printer! But 1 suppose there are vulgar lords as well as vulgar Yankees ?" ' " Pooh !" she said ; " Ben Nevis is the name of a Scotch mountain ; 1 am sun^ you know that, and the title is taken from that classical spot." ' " Well then," sais I, " Joe Davis' County, hi Tllinoi, which I used to think a disgrace to our great national map, is not so bad arter all, for it's clamcal. Oh, Lord ! oh. Lord ! just fancy the Countess of Joe Davis, sais I ; and I almost rolled off the chair a larfing, for I hate folks bragging everlastingly of nobility, that only invite 'em to have something to talk of, and that look at them through the big eend of an opera-glass, to make 'em seem sm dler than they be. Who the Duchess was she quoted so often, to astonish my weak nerves, I don't know, and don't care, for 1 'sposc 1 shouldn't be one mite or morsel the wiser if I did hear her name. But one thing / do know, and that is, all the nobility don't think like her, for there was a top-sawyer one lately had [up for throwing sticks at Aunt Sally, who was a nigger as black as the ace of spades or the devil's hind leg. r 4,1 { t ■' 1 'f i I \ 48 THE SEASON-TICKET. The magistrate said Aunt Harriet and Aunt Sally were both American ladies, and bosom friends, and any insult might provoke a war with the States. " Still," said Aunty, drawin' herself up a bit, as if the joke stung a tender spot, " still, Mr. Peabody, you feel for the poor negro, don't you?" "Well," sais I, "marm, to be serious, between you and me, I nmst say, though it's only in confidence " (and I hjoked round as if I was anxious no one should hear me), " I am not altogether certilied I do feel for people that are unable to feel for themselves." " Do you think, sir," said she, still perckin' up, as proud as a hen with one chick," do you suppose, sir, a negro, when tied up and Hogged, don't feel as acutely as we should? Do you deny he hac the same llesh and blood as we have ? or that he is as sensi^t'ye to the torture of the lash as we should be?" "Well, marm," sais I, looking very grave and very wise (for all fellers that say little, and look solemn, are set down in a general way, as wise), " as to the same flesh and blood, I won't say, though I should doubt it, for they tell me sharks (and they ahi't overly nice in their tastes), when a boat is upset, always prefer whites, not liking the flavour of blacks ; so I won't dispute that point with you; but this I will maintain, they hain't the same colour, nor the same feelings w^e have." " Of course they hain't the same colour, but ' nimium ne crend collarf/,' " (though what that means Avhen the husk is took off and the nut cracked I don't kii()w), " how do you make out that they have not the same feelings we have?" "Why," sais 1, "you have heerd tell of 'Longinus, haven't you?" " In course I have," sais she, " he was a great man in the court of Zenobia." " lie was a great man, and a great villain," sais I, " and no mistake, for he was the wickedest, fiercest, most cruel pirate ever seen. He wasn't tried in the court at Zenobia, for that's an inland town of Texas, but at New Orleans. I was present at the trial, and saw him hanged, and the way the crowd yelled was a caution to sinners. If they had had their way they would have thought hanging too good for him, I can tell you, for once a T7ALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 49 were nsult said mg a poor to be rh it's [ was rether ^'el for 3rckin' ppose, [eel as 3 same Xtive to "Well, ise (for t down ish and or they tastes), t liking iut with le same course 3 cread husk is low do ngs we tell of lais she, ' " He and no st cruel ;ourt at at New hanged, sinners. I thought once a nigger gets the taste of blood, he is more like a wolf or a tiger than a human being. Well, there was ono Jeduthan Flag, a Connecticut pedlar, there, who bought the body of the sheriff on spekelation, and hired a doctor to take his hide off, and he dressed it with alum and lime, cut it up into narrow pieces, and made razor strops of it." " Pray what has the dead negro to do with sensi- bility and pain?" said she. "Well, I was a-going to tell you," sais I; "I bought one of the strops, and I have got it now. I gave fifty dollars for it. Would you believe it, the leather is near half-an-inch thick. It is like pig-skin, that they use to cover saddles with, soft and pUable, and oily too, just like that, and has little wee holes in it, like as if a needle had made them ; it's the grandest strop I ever had in my life. Now, if a nigger's hide is as thick as that, how in the natur' of things can he feel a whip? Why, it don't stand to reason and the natur' of leather that they can any more than a 77«hoceros." " Mr. Peabody," said she, " is that a fact ? " " True as any story you have got in your book," says I, "and that's noticeable, I assure you." " Well, I never heard anything so horrible," sais she. " Oh, Mr. Peabody, how slavery hardens the heart, how ry different effect here from what it has in Anun'ica. No man is deceived by it there ; it is used by every party, 'iih imderstood by all. It is incense offered to the majesty j> multitude, who very justly suspect every public nu. •■, ^nd disregard their reasoning, but who compel them to bow down and worship them, and at last choose that side that best suits their interest. In the United States, there is no principle involved in party struggles, because all men are equal and have similar rights. It is men, not measures. Here there is a most important one at stake, and that is the preserva- tion of the monarchical element hi a mixed constitutional government, where, from the various orders of social and political structures, men are not equal. There, deception, bad as it essentially and morally is, works no serious injury, for it merely substitutes one party for another; and it is of little consequence to the country which pre- dominates. Here it is (jf vital importance, for if dema- gogues succeed, the balance of the constitution is in danger, and a democracy may supersede the monarchy. That noblemen, and gentlemen of property and station, can lend themselves to such a fraudulent system of poli- tics, and condescend to play such a dangerous game, is to me wholly unaccountable. I can understand the con- duct of a man like Bright. He is desirous, as we say, to come out of the crowd. He has no position in the country, and is anxious to make one. A social one, he knows, is impossible ; a poUtical one is within his grasp, E 2 m \ 52 THE SEASON-TICKET. especially as he lias the manufacturers with him, and is identified with their money and masses. Though deficient in constitutional knowledge, he is a very good declaimer. His business is to demolish, and a strong though unskilful workman is equal to that sort of work. I can understand him. He is not a dangerous, though a mischievous man. He is better suited for Congress than your Parliament. But there is one lesson he would learn there that might be of use to him, and that is, that although a Quaker, and not expected to fight, he would be held accountable for his words, and find his broad- brimmed hat no protection for intemperate language. Your dangerous man is your titled radical representa- tive of an Irish constituency. There never was a people so cajoled, fooled, deceived, and betrayed, as the Irish. It is time they turned their attention to the material, and not the pohtical condition of their country ; and everything I see induces me to augur well of their future.' 'Oh, it does, does it?' said Peabody. 'Well, I'd rather see it than hear tell of it by a long chalk. I wish they'd hire me to write their history since Crom- well's time ; for I'd make my forten by it. If I had the contract, I'd do it in three lines. Their lords lived abroad and screwed their agents ; the agents screwed the tenants; the tenants screwed tlie poor, and all combined to screw the Government. The gentry lived in houses they didn't repair, on farms they didn't culti- vate, and estates they couldn't transfer. The trader didn't import, for he wasn't paid for what he sold. The labourer didn't work, for he didn't earn his grub at it. The lord blamed the disturbed state of the country for not living in it ; the agent blamed him for high rents and absenteeism; the farmer blamed both for extor- tioners, and the peasantry cussed the whole biling of them; while lawyers, like flies, swarmed w^here there was corruption, and increased the taint they fed on. When the patient is in a bad way, there is always a quack who has a nostrum ; and political quacks rose up by the score, wdio had each an infallible remedy. One WALKS, TALKS, AND CHALKS. 53 liiin, and Though ery good a strong , of work. 3, though Congress he would at is, that he would lis broad- language, presenta- i a people the Irish, material, try ; and of their Well, I'd chalk. I ice Crom- I had the rds lived screwed and all itry lived In't culti- le trader )ld. The ub at it. untry for igh rents lor extor- biling of L're there fed on. always a 3 rose up dy. One tried repeal of the union; another, tenant-right; and a third, rebellion. Parliament tried its hand at it, and spent miUions in jobs. But I agree with you, the Incumbered Estates Act, steam, and (what you have forgotten to mention) temperance, have effected, and will work wonders ; and it's their own fault now, if the Irish don't go ahead. Cardinal Wiseman missed a figure when he was here, I tell you. He might have saved this country, if he'd have taken the right course, and know'd as much of representatives, Ly, as you and I do. He may be a Cardinal, but hang me if he's a ivise man. I wish I had his chance and his power, I'd a said, " Pat, my boy, if anybody goes for to talk politics to you, up Hst, and knock him down, and I'll absolve you on the principle of self-defence. JPatriots, as they call themselves arc no friends of yours, or old Ireland either. They have honey on their lips, but pyson in their tongues. What is it to you whether Tory, or Whig, or Radical is uppermost, any more than whether democrats or repub- licans are ins or ^ ats in the States ? The object of law is to protect life and property ; and so long as it does that, and don't interfere with your liberty and rehgion, that's all the call you have to it. Mind your own busi- ness, and live in charity with your neighbours. Be sober, industrious, and peaceable. Respect yourselves, and others will respect you ; but eschew politics as you would the devil. It is better to be a free agent than a tool at any time. Obey the law, but never look to Government for patronage. They will feed you on pro- mises till you are unfit for anything, and then give you something not worth having. They are like torpedoes, they paralyse everybody they touch. Avoid secret societies, work diligently, be honest and grateful to your employers, and God will prosper you in all your under- takings. But if you choose to serve the Devil, do so ; he is a good paymaster, and rewards his servants. The wages of sin is death, and if you earn it, I hope you wil/ get it." " Now, Ly, if that ain't poetry, it's truth ; and if it ain't Irisli, it's plain English. It's the rael ticket, and no mistake. Wliat the plague is the sense of 1v f H-^ 7 m 9 t 1 Jr i 5 f 54 TIIK SEASON-TICKET. liarping" for ovor on old p'icvannos — it'H patriots, hnn^ or nidnni^, (»vcr did or will do for Ireland, from iluly to rtarnity.* 'VV(»ll done, l*('al)ody,' Hiiid the Senator. 'T novor heard you utter so much sense hefore ; it's a ))ity you would not always talk that w;iy.' * Well, 1 don't think so, said Peabody ; 'there is a Wuw for all things in natur'. When sense is trumps, why I can lead off with an ac(% if I like, for 1 am not the fool you take me to he; hut when fun is the word, well then I'm ready to cut in and take a hand, liau^hiufj;' wasn't j;'iv(>u us for nothin', or we shouldn't have been made so everlastin' ticklish as we an*. (Joiu'tin' would be stupid work if it wasn't for rom|)in<>f. Rut h(>re is the; post- man. Now, do you look solenmcholy, Ly, and im- portant, and saj- you hiiv<' j>;ot a (h'spatch from tlu^ President of tlu^ United States. It sounds well aforo the waiters; and I'll see if there is ere a, letter from my sister Deliverance, for she always writes me a lonjj;' one, under pretence* of ^ivin^- me news from hum, and eends witii a {iostscri|)t containing;' a commission for me to send her somethiu};' worth a hundnMl dollars.' In the package of letters, 1 found one from my friend (""ary, announcinu," the completion of his business, and re(]uesting- my innnediate return to Cork. I was there- fore oblij^'cd to take l(>ave of my comi^anions, and sot out at once on my journey. They exprc'ssed ^Teat rcf^^ret at not Ixmu^' ablc^ to accomi)any me, in conse- tpienoe of ex[>(^ctinj»' a party of friends from New York to arrive tlu^ next day ; but th(\y assured me tliat they would not fail to riMiew tluMr ac()uaintanco with mc on pome future occasion at Southam[)ton. The bell ran ^•, the g-uard blew a shrill blast from his whistle, the train started, and in a few minutes Killarney faded in the distance. UOMEVVARD BOUND. 55 No. ITT. HOMEWARD MOUND. TiiK facotioiiR driver of tlic car, wlio called the main road to Killariicy the ' rael way,' conducted us thither throu^li Macrooni, Inchi{^(M'la<;'ii, and Gon^ane Barra. I returned by the railway to Cork, not merely to save time, but to vary the Hcene. It is not my intention to describe the country throu11 watered as Insland, and the de(!p verdure of the landscaj)e is at once relieved and heightened by the silvery light of its innumerable streams. The Emerald Isle is an appellation more literal than poetical, and founded on fact rather than fiction. It is no wonder that the Irish have an (mthusiastic admiration of their country ; but there are other causes besides its beauty and fm'tilit}'' that attach them to it, which makes their nationality a very different thing from that of either the Scotch, the Enghsh, or the French. It is a far deeper and stronger, as well as a more lasting feeling. It embraces not merely their country, but their race and their religion. A Scotchman is clannish, proud of the achievements of his ancestors, and fond of his native land. But he is fonder of money and distinction than of either. lie emigrates with more of hope than regret, and fully relies on his industry and economy to enable him to m 56 THE SEASON-TICKET. 1 H found a new homo in a new world ; ho anticipates re- visiting his kindred at some future day — a design in which ostentatious success is often mingled with affec- tion. A prophet, however, has no honour in his own country, and he is willing to exchange it for another, where the obscurity of his origin may be hiddcm under a name that will pass without scrutiny as remotely con- nected with some illustrious family. The Duke of Argyll has more distant relatives than he is aware of, both in America and Australia, and the house of Bucclcugh can never be extinct while there are so many presumptive heirs, in partibus exteris. Where the region of Fable ends that of Truth begins, and the Elliots and Dundases are no pretenders. Their name is Legion, and their pedigree is acknowledged in every branch of every public department in the empire. He who leaves Scotland seldom returns. The inclination may exist, but an opportunity for its indulgence rarely occurs. An Englishman goes abroad because he is fond of adventure; he thinks he has a right to a living some- where, and is not particular as to the locality in which it is to be sought. Wherever he is he grumbles, not be- cause he is disappointed, but because it is natural to him to find fault. He is dissatisfied at home, and is never contented anywhere else. Nothing pleases him in his own country, and when abroad he abuses every place but England ; he has neither the civility of an Irishman nor the servility of a Scotchman — the industry of the one nor the acuteness of the other, while economy is a word he could never comprehend. The consequence is, he is not so popular or so successful as either. A French- man is never happy out of France ; not that he is so attached to it or its institutions, or that colonial life does not afford an easier subsistence and greater facility for accumulating a fortune, but because he misses the cafe, the theatre, the guinguette, the spectacles, and the cheap and frivolous amusements, without which exist- ence appears to him to be intolerable. If he migrates to another country, it necessarily involves continuous in- dustry, which is as foreign to his habits as his incliiia- tio doi reri pel he oth and HOMEWARD BOUND. 57 atcs ro- 'sign in h affec- lis own mother, under a }\y con- t Argyll both in ugh can uinptive begins, , Their idged hi empire. 3hnation ;e rarely 3 is fond g some- which it not be- ll to him s never 11 in his y place Irishman of the |my is a ence is, French- e is so life does [lity for e cafe, ,nd the 1 exist- ates to ous in- ncUna- tion ; if to a tropical climate it compels him to bo domestic, and makes his house a prison, where if he remains he dies of ennui, and if he effects his escape he perishes from fever. He must talk, sing, dance, or die ; he has a tradition, which he fully believes, that every other country but his own is inhabited by barbarians, and that Frenchmen are the only gentlemen in the world ; although he has neither the manners nor the principles of one, he takes it for granted he must every- where be received as such. He likes France, therefore, not so much for itself as that it is inhabited by those whose tastes are similar to his own, and who are the only people who know how to live. He is a philosopher; he is not ambitious of wealth, but of enjoying life. He — ' Wants but little here below. Nor wants that little long.' And, therefore, his great study is to make the most of that modicum. No colony of Frenchmen has ever suc- ceeded. Poor Pat leaves his country because poverty compels him to do so. He is attached to the soil on which he lives, and that scantily supported his forefathers. Its legends and traditions appeal to his heart. He is attached to his countiymen, with whom he has so many sympa- thies, a common language, a common poverty, and a common religion ; and although he has been taught from his birth to believe that he is a bondsman, he is ever willing to exchange the freedom of a repubhc for the imaginary chain of a slave at home. America dis- j appoints him; he is surprised to find that he must work •^ for his living even there, and that priests who defied the ■ law in Ireland are compelled to be circumspect by a higher power than law — the force of pubhc opinion. He could beg in peace and in rags at home, but among the free, enlightened, and most liberal Yankees a beggar "'is treated as a vagrant, while rags are ridiculed as an ^mblein of idleness, and not pitied as an evidence of f^^ant. To work or to starve, is the inexorable law of epubliciiiiiani. His religion is essentially aristocratic, i 'm :.H Tlir. SKAMON-TKMCKT. U ) if I \ |i 1 i iiihl lliciv irt nolliin;*- coupMiiul lo il in (l(Mni>(M'!K\v tliiit rcilurcH II |»ri«'Hl lo llic nMiminn Icvrl of vnl^;iir «'(jiinlily with liiw lltu'k. He (irHpiHt'H it I'lrKidciit wlio rcccivcH |H'o|)lt' Mining' ill his hImiI hNtxth iiml smoking a ci^ar, atui a (Jovt'nior who drivrH (o tlic Statr-housr on the lop of u coach oi' 1)iihs, ami canicH it ciiaMf;'c of cIoIIich ill his pocket -hiiiuikcrchicf. Tlicrc is some fun at hoint* in pulling;' down the pohtical cdilicc ; there is noise, those who hoth cant and spit, wIumi declaimin<;' on indepeiKh'nce ami slavery, he rc>;"ards as l>ein;4's (»V(Mi helow himst>lf, if the pictures t (MI tlu> excitement iA' his lawl(>ss occupation ivt home, in tlu» prosecution o{ which he had the sympathy of iho whol(> population, who «leluded th(» police and the soldiery with false information, or ssed means, after all, nothinu," niore than a choici* oi occu|>ation and an oluMlience to those laws, whicii, Mhil(> they prottH't him in his rights, protect the community also; and that whiMi justict* is eitluM' too slow or too w(>ak to n^ach an oft'end(>r, \ho pt«opl(» institut«> a court tluMUselves and appoint a n'lMitliMuan to j>reside, undtM* the tith* of Juthje Li/hc/k who hy the aid oi i^ltHMive ot1ic(>rs, styled n\i;nlators, calls out tlu^ pos, and than ever thoiii all Jfeli :l t»y < ;l adoj u* •racy tliat. r eiiualily ) rcccivcH C a cigar, ^(» on \\\v i»r clollicH I at lioiiu' \{\'\Hi\ «lirt, ' work rx- ul paluMit ■H. Wlu'ii all ; it liaH I N'ul'^arly wio knives lliost' who |t«|H'M(l('nCO himself, if atriots and •it distiller his lawless »ieh he had U>hid(>d the on, or tle- liv(>s. He ad always nndnijA'ht. km! nu^ms, ipation and u»y prot(rt ) { and that k to n^ieh tluMnselves he title of •(>rs, styled the eonnty ninal, trios pti(^n, who uives vent so charac- iioMKWAnn noiTNn. 50 1(M'iHtie of the Irish: — 'IWtling-o! thiH is no eonnthry for a jonth'inan to live in.' There is Honie truth in tho observation as he expresses it, hut none whatever in its application, it is eniiiuMitly the ))oor inaiTH home. If he is willing to work, he can tind employment, and labour is well remunerated. \\y industry and economy In; (ran rise to a position of ease and comfort, perhaps of alllu- enc(». There he must he conteiite.l to rest, 'i'he hi^h(>r orders are wanting- in AmiM'ica ; and that which money cannot purchase is neither known nor vahied. Time, however, works g"reat changes in the Irish, whether in the Uniti'd States (U* the (Colonies. They are the few among th<' many. They cannot long maiiitain their dis- tinctive character ; they hecome gradually ahsorhed, and are socm incorporated with the mass of the people. They adopt th(» «lress, th(> habits, and the feelings of the Americans. Their ("lergy taught them to disregard a Protestant sovereign ; the AnuMMcaiis, in their turn, ivurh them to disregard their priests. ()n(» half of their lives is spent in learning' what is wrong, and th(> other in un- learning it, Kennnciation is soon folIowM'd by recanta- tion, antl lh(> t^ueen and the l*of)e both lose tluMr s»d)jects. Uy this proc<>ss, the (Muigrants are protected from them- selves anti their own violence; they individually obtain that fre(>dom which, collectively, they never allow to each otluM*. A Roman (-atholic who becomes a Protes- tant in Ireland is considered as a man who des(>rts his colours, and h(» is pursued and punished by the whole cinuuumity. In America he is neither hail(>d as a con- vert by on(» side, nor insultetl as a pervert by the other. The event is r(>gard(»d by tlu* form(>r with unconcern, and by the latter as an occurriMice rather to be regrette(l than restMited. I'ublio opinion tol(>rat(»s and protecrts every sect, but has no sympathy with any. Franklin tlu)ught them all right, aiul Jefferson prononncred them all wrong; the natural result is gencM'al indifference. Religion is left to shift for itself, the supply is regidated ■ by the demand, and comjx'tition has lowered its vahu^ by adopting an inferior material, and coarse workmanship. Fashion invents new patterns, and each sucoecdin^ n I!'. I 1' fl r V [If II I 1! If * 1 li'. I CO THE aEASON-TICKKT. season announccH somo attractive^ novelty. The original emigrant rctaiim witii sonic^ dillicuity tlu^ v.rvxnl ho re- ceived I'nMn hin pricHt; iiis faith is Icsh lively, but Htill he \H a believer. It '\h different with hiH descendantn, who often exereiHo their own judgment, and ehooHc for theniHelvcH. Mut, though he adhercH to iiin ehureh, his habits are altered and improved : he beeomen industriouH, and his condition iH anieliorate(l. iiin kind-hearted and affectionate feelings are not merely j)reserve(l, but en- hanced by distaiuH?. 1I(^ works hard to save;, and lu; Haves to import his relatives to tlu; comfortable i:omo he lias provided for them in tlu; West. Tlu; Irish po(»r are rich ill love — in lov(> for their parents, their children, their friends, and their countrynuMi. No one is so destitut cxehanged amid fears, embraeoH, and bleKsings on the one hand, to be remem- bered in the prayers of those who were abtrnt to embark ; and on the; (»tlier earnest vows never to for;j;"et them, and to pr()vi(i(? funds as soon as possible to enab!(! them to reach their new home. Again and again they renciwod their adieux, and at last were only separatee! l)y the by- staiuh'is, and the stern voice of eommand from the steamer. Long after tlu^ ship got under weigh, hats ani,\ handkerchiefs vven^ waved by tli(» passengers and tlu;!; bereaved friends on shore, until they faded from the view of each other in tlu; distance. Both the emigrants and their attendants iippeared to have come from tlu; wilds of th(! west coast of lrelanidly passed through ^'»eir nunds; and so little knowledge of the distant coi,:<'y to which th(? exiles wen; bound existed among the iiiourners, that the world appeared to them a dark, dreary waste, without one ray of hope to lifiuten it. The i)ricst had blessed them, it is true, but. Is ! he was no ju'ophet; he had often blessed the dead, as well as the living ; still it was a consolaticji to know that his holy benedictions followed them. But the sea — the I awful, unknown, bottomless sea — was to be passed, and I storms, hurricanes, and mountain waves waylaid them I in their course, and who could say whether they would I survive all these trials and reach their destination. Their ■' minds were agitated by doubts and fears ; they could n m ii ^' 62 TIIK SEASON-TICKKT. tliink of but ono thinp^ at a time, and that was their (lesoliUioii and their sorrow. Short and inundiblc prayers were nttered from the dejjtliH of tlieir lieartH for the beloved Keafurers, and for patiencu^ and eruhu'ance for theinKeIv«'M. All at j»r(>Hent. was blank, bnt hope nii^ht eoriK^ with the niornin<:;- to illninine their darkness, and to vivify a faitii whieh, thon^h it shnnbered, was strong' oven nnto death. MJod,' said the priest, in words they had often heard, bnt never fnlly and deeply felt before, '(jod knows all, ordains all, and is mereifnl to all.' It was a spt>etael(( never to be forgotten. 1 have not tlie nerves to witness human misery withont (h'ep emo- tion, ami I shall avoid a scene like this for the fntnre. A stranger, at best, ean give bnt little consolation, and his presencH* is often irksome to thos(! whose only relief is in an nnrestraiiKMl ntt(M'anceof th(» sorrows of their hearts. There vv(>re others, however, nnconnected with the exiles, who viewed their departnre in a different light, and i'nvied their good fortnne, in being able to leave poverty and wretch(>(hu»s8 behind them, and to exchange tlu^ land of buttermilk and potatoes for that of substantial abundanc(\ A sniall band that had just landed from a river steamer struck up a merry tune, 'Cheer, boys, cheer,' which was followed by '(larryowen,' and 'There's a good time coming.' The music, as it was kindly in- tended, diverted the attention of the idlers, whom the bustle and excitement of the embarkation had collected on {\\v (piay. ConspicuouK among them was a tall, poweifuK unshorn countryman, carrying a stcmt shille- lagh \nuler his arm, and having a rollicking, diwil-may- care sort of air that gave you an ich'a of a very droll but ilangerous fellow. 11 is habilinuMits l)es[)oke an utter disregartl of the becomings. J lis hat had survived the greater part of its rim and its crown, and bore evident marks »>f rough usage and hard blows. It looked as if it had been thrown, rather than [)laced on his head, and had nearly missed its hold, hanging jauntily on one side, as if n'gariUess of its safety. His coat reached nearly to his heels, and exhibited many rents and fractures, that « HOMEWARD BOUND. C3 tvas their (' prayers ■1 for the ranee for )|)e mij^'ht ss, aiui to IS Htronj^' i>nls tliey ■It before, ill.' have not leep enio- uliire. A 1, and liis •elief is in Mr hearts, the exiles, ig-ht, and jH)verty ian<;'e the ibstantial a river 's, eheer,' 'here's a indly in- vhoni the collected is a tall, ut shille- vil-niay- ery droll ^ an utter vived the e evidcMit h1 as if it , and had side, as nearly to res, that e had carried away much of the original materials ; a loose, sailor-like, black tie displayed a st rong, muscu lar nee while soap-eoloured breeches, unfastened at the knees, long gi'ey stockings, and a pair of coarse, strong brogues, completed his costunu!. I lo was one of those peripatetic, rustic [)hilosophers, so often met with a few years ago in Ireland, whose philanthrojiy was inexhaustible. lie went about doing good, assisting a fri(Mid to light at a fair, doing honour to tiiedead, by carousing at his wake, and howling and drinking at his funeral. Work was not his vocation : he (;onsidered it only lit for a 'nagur' or a St'otchnum (for both of whom he had a supreme contempt), and not at all suited to the sujjcrior dignity of aGalway ])oy. Still he was most scrupulous in tin; fullilment of an oath, for having sworn not to drink whisky again, as lotuj (IS he rciiKiine.d ou ey tell me Canady is a beautiful island, where land can be had for the asking, let alone the whisky, no rent to [)ay, and no agents (bad luck to them) to grind up the poor along with the corn. 1 hope it will be my turn next. Did yer honour iver see that counthry ? ' *■ Ves,' said I ; ' I know it well.' 'Then, it's glad I am to fall in wid yer honour. ]\riiybe you'd be after knowing one Flielim M'Carty, there, a brother of nihie, by his father's side, but not by his mother's ? Y(m'd know him by the loss of an eye. Jle took two of them into the fair at Ballinasl(K!, and only fetched one home wid him. Bad luck to the boy that did him that turn. It was more by accident than any thing else he hit him that blow; forsoiraaman could stand before Phelim ; and a dacent lad he was too; and great at book-larnin'. Did yer honour ever see him in yer thravels V 'No,' I said, '1 never saw him. Canada is a largo country, larger than England, Ireland, and ScuLlaiid put V' in I III ^'W HI' I 64 THE SEASON-TICKET. together, and it would have been mere accident if I had seen liim.* * Bedad, I didn't tliink of that, yer honour ; so it is ; and maybe if you had seen him you couldn't have known his name was Phelim M'Carty, unless he told you him- self. It's mighty well he is doing too, for he gets four pounds a month wages, and is after having me out, to do for me also.' ' The reason he is doing well there,' I said, ' is because he is obliged to work. If he had been willing to labour, he could have done equally well at home, for this is as good a country as Canada ; and if a man is industrious and prudent, he can earn an honest livelihood any- where.* ' It's chape talkin',' he replied, ' but the work is not to be had ; and when a poor man gets it, it's not worth liavin'; the pay won't keep body and soul togither. They won't give us a chance at all, at all, here.' * Well, my friend,' I said, ' if you were to make your appearance in that dress in Canada, you would stand a poor chance to get employment, I assure you. Why, now, don't you cut off a piece of the tail of that long coat of yoiu-s, and mend the rest with it V A deep flush suffused his cheek at that question, as if he would like to resent it ; but suddenly assuming an arch look, he said, 'Did yer honour ever hear of Corney O'Brien's pigf * Never,' I replied ; * but what has that to do with mending the coat?' 'Yer honour will see it has a good dale to do with it, when you hear abort that self-same pig. He was a knowing craythur,' he continued, casting a signi- ficant glance at me, ' and there is many a larned pig don't know as much as he did, after all. Well, he knew if he hadn't a penny in his mouth, the devil a bit would the keeper let him go through the pike. So what does he do, but wr,tch for a chance to shp through unbe- knownst to him. He walked about unconcarned, as if he was only looking for a bit of a thistle to eat, or a root of grass to grub up ; but for all that, he kept one eye '* IIO.AIEWAKD 110 LND. Go t if I had so it is; ve known you him- gets four ne out, to is because to labour, tliis is as ndustrious [lood any- ork is not not worth I togither. ■e.' make your lid stand a t)u. Why, that long deep flush would like h look, he O'Brien's ;o do with iilc to do c pig. He ig a signi- larned pig 1, he knew bit would what does ugh unbe- xrned, as if t, or a root ■pt one eye on the bar and tho other on the keeper the while, av.d when it was oix'iied, lie dashed through in s{)ite of lin,, but, faix ! he l<'ft his tail beliind, for the keeper shut uio gate to so quiJv, it cut it siiort off, to the stunij). Well, the craytliur was so ashamed of the short dock, he never could look an honest ])ig in the face ever afterwards, it would l)e just tiie same Avith me, as Corney's pig, yer lionour. If I was to cut the tail of my cut off, I should never be able to look a daceiit man in the face after- wards,' and lie walked away with the triumphant air of a man who has silenced his adversary. 'Ah,' said I, to my friend Cary, 'emigration is the only cure for such a fellow as that. Heje, he is either })n)ud of that badge of jxiverty, or indifferent to it. In Canada he would be ashamed of it, and could not wear it. Jleie, his countrymen see no harm in it, t/icre they would see nothing but degnidation and national disgrace in it.' ' Coelum non aiiimum mutant,' &c., &c., is not ap- plicable to Irish emigrants. A change of country in- volves an entire change in the man. But it is now time fni- us to proceed to Queenstown, and embark for England. Cork has something more to boast of than its noble liarbour and its splendid scenery. It is the birthplace of more eminent men than any other city in Ireland. It has had the honour of jn'oducing Crofton, Croker, ]Miirpliy, Dr. ISlaginn, Father Front (Mahony), and Sheridan Knowles, besides many otlun's distinguished as painters and sculptors, such as Baiiy, Maclise, and llogaii. It is but a faint cxjU'ession of my feeUngs to say that I left Cork with great regret. We impose needless obligations on ourselves, and then obey them as if they were inevitable. I intended to remain only a short time, and 1 returned home, for no better reason than because 1 had so decided. In an hour after witnessing the embarkation of the emigrants we were on board the Feninsular and Oriental ('ompany's steamer, the '^ladras,' and under way for I tSuuthampton. This beantifiil s!,ip was on a trial trip, *" s ■■■* n (■ H % i in' 66 THE SEASON-TICKET. and tlic Directors kiudly (iffcrcd iw a passage home in lior. I ]iav(; more than once made avoyag-c; in the noble vessels of this ('onipany, in other parts of the world, and they well merit tlie high eharacter they have for speed, comfort, and safety. Tlu; (Jmiard line belongs to a firm, and the Directors are the owners, who derive all the advantage resulting from their management, a stimulant far bevoiid salaries or commissions. Their own capital is at stake, as well as their character. They are neither subject to the caprice nor the ])enuriousness (^f share- holdeis, nor are they tempted into extravagance under the id(ia that the expenditure, as well as the risk, falls principally upon others. The net gain, and the whole loss, is distributed amongst the members of the firm. It is therefore, like all ))artnershii) concerns, better managed than when the authority is deputed to others. In the one case it is the interest of all to exercise a minute and careful suj)ervisi<>n over the afiairs ; in the other, the larger the expenditure th(^ greater the rennmeration re- ceived by the agents. This Transatlantic line is there- fore an exc(*ptionjd case, and cannot be compared to those of a joint stock character. But of ail tiie other Ocean Steam Associations, that of the Peninsular and Oriental Steam (Jompany is by far the best managed, and the nu)st successful. It has a great advantage in having grown up by degrees to its present magnitude, whereby the ex})erience of the managers grew with it, whil(^ others, originally undertaken upon a large scale by iH^n ,>ii3 not conversant with such affairs, broke down, to tiui loss and mortification of the subscribers, and the great disa})])ointment of the public. This is a circum- stance Avholly overlooked by the Government, by which large sums of money have been recklessly thrown away. The tender of the Australian Steam Company for the conveyance of the mails to Melbourne, though exceeding that of the Peninsular and Oriental line for the same service, by £40,000 per annum, was accepted by Govern- ment, uniUn* the absurd idea of distributing their con- tracts among difftn-ent parties, in order to prevent any association from becoming too powerful. The residt, as ^% ':M IIOMI.WAUD BOUND. 67 ! home in tlie noble orld, and or speed, to a firm, e all the ■stimulant n capital •e neither of share- ice under risk, falls he whole ; firm. It managed . In the inute and )ther, the •ation re- ; is there- ipared to tlie other sular and managed, antage in agnitude, i^v with it, rge scale •ke down, and iha a circum- by which ^vn away. y for the exceeding the same r Govern- heir con- vent any result, as predicted by those acquainted with the subject, was complete failure, and after an immense loss resort was ultimately had to this association, wlio p(>rfonri the work most admirably. Steamers are built, and run at an enornKms expense, and although the postal subsidy may seem large, and the passenger and freight traffic very great (which are ob\'ious to all, and easily calculated), the outlay is so contuiuoas and enormous, the staff so numerous and costly, the losses (wlien they occur) so large, and tlie deterioration in the value of the property 80 rapid that nothing can insure success but tlie most careful and judicious managcnnent, combined with a tliorough knowledge of th(^ business in all its various brandies. Hence the faihu'e of many French and American com])anies, including tliose known by the name of the 'CoUins Line of Steamers,' and a similar fate awaits others that are Jiow struggling with hope- less difficulties. Infinite credit is due by the travelling public to this association, and by tlu^ proprietors to their Directors, for furnishing a line of steamers equalled only by those of Canard, superior even to them in immber, and in all respects far beyond those of every other nation in the world. Safe in foul weather, commodious and agreeable in fine, they have smoothed and shortened the route to the East, and b}^ affording easy access to those distant possessions have strengthened our hold upon them, both ])ohtically and commercially. System, order, regularity, due subordination, and economy pervade every depart- ment of their A-ast establishment, while no money is spared in procuring the strongest and best vessels, the ablest and most efficient officers, and in providing good acconnnodation and liberal fare for the passengers. I like a steanu,>r, and only wish the present voyage was longer than from Cork to Southampton. \Vhat a glorious thing is the sea, the vast, the boundless sea ! IIow bracing and refreshing the breeze ! IIow the s})irits are exhilaruted by speed, and how proudly you walk the deck, in conscious strength of having subdued the ocean and made it subservient to your will. The fiapj^ing sail r 2 'S.i 68 TIIK SEASON-TICKET. :i il > 1 1 jmd tlic listless calm, tluj dull and monotoiiouR rolling of tiio inert and lu>lj>l('ss slii)), tlio drowsy dn^aniy days of tinu^ that stood still, tlu^ anxious survey of the sky for in- dications of the awakc^nin^' breeze, the baffled hoj)e, the oppressive! feelings of despondency at head winds and adverser seas that overpow(3red us of old, are recollections of the ])ast that only seem to increase tho pleasures derived from a j)ower that bears us on with unabated, unaltered speed, i-ep;'ardless alike of currents or adverse g'ales. How superior is it to a railway train: you have room to mov(! and to walk about, you inhale with delight tho fresh nir, and you soon beconu; known to all your fellow- travellers. You relish your meals, and have an increased apjK'tite for tliem (if you are a g'ood sailor, if not, you had bett(U' stay at home and read the travels of others). You have time to eat, your ])r()rvcd and swallowed in haste, amidst a standin*;', elbowing-, noisy crowd. The hour, too, after a li,t>'ht supper is most enjoy- able ; youv companions are generally men of the world, and from all ])arts of the globe, and the conversation is ecpially various and anuising. Every man is a walking, talking book of travels, liaving the advantage over a ])rinted one of possessisig the ability to exi)lain what is obscure, to abridge what is diffuse, or enlarge Avhat is too brief. There is less reserve than in general society, and individual character is more develo|)ed. It affords a good study of human nature. Wlien the bell rings foi* the extinguishment of lights, uistead of spreading out ii railway wrapper and reclining your h(>ad against the corner of the carriage, you get into your snug, comfort- able berth, and are rocked to sleej) by the lullaby of the billow^s. Oh ! connnend me to an o(;ean steamer, and let those who prefer railways have their monopoly of smoke, dust, noise, tremulous carriages, and sulky, supercilious companions. F? 5 HOMr.WAKI) liOlNP. C9 •oil in f]^ of '■ days ol" :y for in- lopc, the iiids and )llectioiin [) derived iiialterod 10 g-alos. ,vo room li<2;ht the r fellow- ncreascMl not, you others). laycd by 3 at your our coni- sh into a so meat, rvcd and 10-, noisy stonjoy- worid, sat ion is walking', over a Avliat is Avliat is society, ITords a iuGTS for ng' out a inst tlie L'omfort- y of the icr, and |)oly of I sulkv. ic [1 I » As soon as T had disposed of my trajis in my state- room, and rrKMUited the deck, I recognised an old super- numerary ollic'er of tlu; Company witii whom 1 had made a voy!\g'(; or two in the Mediterranean. Captain liivers is a well-known character, and has been so long- in the service; that he is generally styled 'Commodore.' He was not attired in the uniform of the Comi)any, as he was not on duty, })ut in the usual imdress sea suit of a seaman, and a jolly thoroug-ligoing- sailor h(; was ! Short, thick set, rather inclined to corpulency, and bearing* a lull, llorid, good-humoured countenance: who that had ever seen him could forget the Commodore ! 'Ah, my good friend,' he said, as he shook mo heartily by the hand, ' I am glad to sec you, I thoug"ht you wore in the Paciiic' After a whih; our conversation naturallv turned on the past, and the incidents of our voyages in the Mediterranean. ' J)is arc like winter sunbeams on ice, bright enough to da/zle your eyes, wdiile your feet are freezing". A Yankee lady is like a badly boiled potato, floury outside, but with a bone at the heart. Give me an PJnglish girl after all ; when they do love they love you in earnest. I won't say that there are not matches made for money here or (>lsewh'nv ; but in a general Avay they don't begin with the 'everlasting* dollar.'" ' No,' I sp-id, ' they may not originate in it, but how often mere i')vc matches end in "dolor."' It was a bad l)un ; I never perjietrated a good one in my life, and I am gl'id of it, for there is little beyond knack in making* them. Good or bad, however, the Commodore did not take it, though, like every one else who don't perceive the point, ho looked rather abroad, smiled, and said, 'Oh, yes, that is very true.' 'But to get back to my story,' ho continued. 'I thought Mrs. Balcom would have died at a story I h>ld her of a German lady's delicate health, who made a Pi m ill ,ni i. 70 TIIK SKASOX-TICKKT. trip with rnc from Muiscillos to Alexander — did I ever tell yoii that story ? ' ' Not that I reeoUect.' ' Well, one morning* I overheard the stewardess in- (luiring" kuidly after her health : she answered her very despondin^'ly : "Oh, ver bad. All ze night I was more bad zan avair ; ze head, ze back, zc limbs, zo bad I can- not tell." ' "Would you like to have some breakfast, madam ? " * " Don't know — ver sick wiz de sea mal — what ave you fi » ' " Get you anything nice, madam." * " Ave you ze beefsteak ? " * " Yes, madam." ' " 1 take ze beefsteak. Ave you ze mutton-chop, /.e potate, ze toniate, wiz ze coffe and hot cake ? " ' " Oh, yes. Is tliere anytlnng else you would like to have, nuulam ! " * '• Ah, mon Dieu, I cannot tell. I ver indispose. Stop, mamseile ; bring me after dat ze lobstair, cow- cumber, and ze oil. Tell 1 you I ver bad apetizc; ? " Aud she tucked them in one after the other in great style. Lord! how Mrs. Balcom laughed at that story; and then she went and got out her writing-desk, and made mc say it over and over, word by word, until she had it all correct. She said she was paid to write letters about what she could pick up in her travels for newspapers, and it helped to defray her expenses — a queer idea, ain't it? " Well, ma'am," says I, "if you want queer anec- dotes, I can tell you them by the dozen, for in course I have seen a great many people in my day, and heard all sorts of things, as you may suppose from my liaving been so long in the service. Why, bless your heart, ma'am," says I, " I took three-fourths of the English and French army to the Crimea in that noble ship the Simla." ' " Oh," said Colonel Van Kansellier, an American friend of hers, "come now, Commodore, you are gohig that rather too rapid. I won't say you Me, because that ain't polite, but you talk unconmionly like me, when I I i» IlOMKWAKl) BOUND. 71 il I ever I'desH iii- her veiy ^'iiH more id I caii- ladain ? " kvhat ave -chop, ze Id like to iidispoKe. xir, cow- yr' And at style. and then uade nic lad it all rs about rspapers, lea, ain't mr anec- eourse I heard all y liaving ir heart, English ship the American re going- luse that when I il lie. Do yon mean to say that yon actually took three- Fourths of tlie ulUed army to the Crimea hi that are siiipr' •''I do." '"AH at onest?" ' " No, not all at once, because that would be going ratlier too rapid, as you say ; but I did it in tiireo tri{)S, though. What do you tliink of that? " " Well, I'll tell you what 1 tlunk of it," said he. " Did you ev'(;r hv.v the celel)rated American Circus Company, belonging to Squire dishing, that's p(;rforming to London i " ' " Yes, I have." '"Well, so far so good. Did you ever see the man that climbed up a pole, and stood on his head on it?" ' " I have." '"Well, 1 told a down-easter, from the State of Maine, 1 had seen it done, and he r(»|)lied he did not doubt it, for he had done more nor that hhnself." ^ " What," says I. ' " Why, says he, I climbed up the pole the same as ho did, only I guess it was an everlasthig sight longer one, and then I stood on my head on it." '"Well, says I, what then ? '"Why, says he, stranger, I don't suppose you'll believe it; but I'll tell you what I did. When 1 was staiidin' on my head on the top of that are pole, I jist raised myself up a little with my arms, o[)ened my jaws, put my teeth to it, and pulled it right up out of the ground, and then jumped down, with one end of it in my mouth. ' " W^ell, says I, I don't believe it, and that's flat. '"I shouldn't wonder, said he, if you didn't. But I have told it so often, I believe it myself — I actually do. '"Now, Commodore," said the Colonel, "I guess you have told that ere story so often, you begin to believe it yourself, like that Kentucldan chap. Wliat will you bet you did it ? " ' A hundrcul dollars," says I. ' " I'll bet you two hundred," said he, " you didn't." * (.i ' 4\ 72 Tlir, SKASON-TICKKT. '1:. '"Done!" sai«l 1, and we staked tlic money and a|)|)(»inted nnr unii)ire. ''Now," says I, "I took the Foiu'tli Foot one voya^M^, tlu^ Konrtli Dra^-oons the second voya^'e, and the Fonrth French (Ihasseurs d'Afr'Klue the third voya^'e; and tliat is the thrce- /hiirt/is of tlic (iriNi/ h\ three voya^'es. What do you say 'to t!iat,'Coloneir' said 1. ' " SoM ! " said he, ''every mite and morsel of me, and wc^ll sold, too — that's a HJiper-snperior catch. Write tliat story down, and si<;'n it, and |>ut tlu; I\ and (). sliip's name, the Simhi, down, too, lest 1 siiould forget it, and let the umpire write on it that he decided it a^-ainst me. and si^'ii his name and title in full. fiCt it ap})ear an ondeniable fact, that's all I ask. 1 don't jL^Tudge the money, it's only lifty [)ounds, and I'll make as many hundreds out of it when I g-et houie." 'Lord ! I shall nexcv for<;('t the day I was commanded to prepare to take the first reg'iment. A lieutenant in the navy came on board with the order: and they are g-entlemen that reco<^*nise noolKcer afloat but themselves, and think they have a monopoly of all the seamanshi]) and knowledge of navigation in the world. So when he comes on board, said he: " I want to sec Mr. Rivers." ]\Iy first officer, who saw h(^was giving himself airs, ami had no mind to stand it, said : " There is no Mr. Rivers here, sir: you have come to the wrong ship." ' "Isn't this the Shnla T' ' " It is." ' " Who commands her?" ' " Captain Rivers." * " Well, tell Mr. Rivers I want to see him." ' "I tell you, sir, there is no Mr. Rivers here." '"Well, tell him that commands her, then, that Lieutenant Jenkins, of Iler Majesty's ship the Blunder- buss, is the bearer of an order from the Admiral." ' So what does he do but call the second officer, and says he, " Tell Captain Rivers a Mr. Jenkuis is here with an order from the flag-ship." The lieutenant was very angry; but other })eople have short memories as well as navy officers. AVhen he delivered the order, he iicy and took tlic >oiis the IlilHSCUir.S 10 three- you say mo, and rite tliat 0. ship's 't it, and linst nio. [jpoar an idg'O tll(! us many nniandod tenant in tlioy ari! jmsolves, imanshi]) when lio llivors." airs, and r. Rivers >n, tliat Blunder- cer, and is here ant was liories as rder, he ii<)m::\vaui) noi nd. ':) complained to \\\Vi of my olllcor for rndeness, and I ealled him and rohnked him for it. Says I, ''If this j;'(Mitle- man for,!4<'ts wliat is duo to otliers, you shouM never for;;-el uiiat is (hu! to yourseh." I nnist say, tii(»n«>'h, tliat the Admiral always treated me with ^-reat eondo- seension and kindness; and a thorouji;-!! sailor ho was, too, which was more than could Ix; said of some others 1 knew in the lleet. Stc^am has played tlu; douce with our sailors; they are not what they used to hv. \\\ my VounLi'er ilavs. Still, tliev are far before th(^ French in every way, althou^'h maehini'ry luis put them mon; on a level witli us than I like. I am sorry you have been away this summer. You should have soon the fete at (Jherl)oiu-tJ!'. Ah! sir, that was a beautiful si}»-ht. Wo had ;j,'Iorious weather for it; and, 1 think, wo must have astonished the French.' ' You mean,' 1 said, 'that Cherbourg- astonished you ; didn't it?' ' Not at all,' ho said. ' There is a superb dockyard there, and a beautiful harbour, with an entrance at each end of it, well protected by })owerfuI batteries. But what of all that? Any harbour can bo well fortified; but tliis place is constructed on old princii)les, and the improvement in modern artillery, and the recent inven- tion of new projectiles, render it far less formidable than you would suppose. The fleet can bo shelled by Whit- worth's ii^uns, and burned in the dockyard. But what I was alludin<»' to was the spectacle. Why, sir, it was an En;i,Tis]i exhibition in a French harbour. Just imagine a fleet of live luuidred yachts, belonging to English countiy gentlemen. Ik^autiful craft, well litted, well manned, and appointed in the most perfect manner, and all deco- rated with every variety of tiag, with just wind enough t(> wave them to advantage. It was a beautiful siglit. Then there were three of our splendid ships, the Pera, the Salsette, and the Benares, three of the finest ships afloat — not belonghig to Goveriunont, but to a company of merchants — not selected as show-vessels, but taken promiscuously from a fioet of more than fifty, merely, because they were supernumerary at the time — and this ?i U I if; •.i fi 74 TiiK si:am()N-ticki:t. t;()in|)iiny only one; of tlic many ^rciit occfin Htcain roin- |»ani('H of Kn<;l!iM(l. Tlirii llicrc waH tlu; Ktna, Ix'lo.ipng* to the ('unanl licet, aw lar^^'c aH a scNcnty-fitur <;'un sliip; hoHidcH iinnicroiis otlicr Minallcr private sieanieiM. To thoHO were added the HritiHli s(|ujidron of nuMi-of-war; and, above all, tla; royal yaclitH of llcr Majesty, littinj^ einbleniH of the Qu(M»n of a maritime tiation Hk(; (jrcat Britain. Hepend npoii it, that spei'tach; mnst havo Htrnek the Fi'eiuth aH an evich'Uce y knew as much of as a cat does of a punt. Tlie sahos startled Roebuck out of a year's growth (indeed Bright says he never will grow any more), and ll^/.ycount Williams was outrageous at the amount of powder wasted in the salutes, and vowed he would move for a return of the cost. Sir Charles Napier was for blockading the harbour, to prevent the French caiii coni- l»('l(>.i^iiig- <^Miii ship; iicrs. To II -of- war; ty, Uttinp^ like (ireat lUst have Ctli, spirit, d to show T forts, a .ltl(! ships ^'iins UHe- >rs neither ' to sahitc s nothiii}^' t does Tny [ skulking- ke a navy Tliey Jiro ows they 'at trilnite irs. P'i<^ht 1, if tliey » ))lacG to iiid Croii- aiid Cher- jch. The ifcMS they [)<;• shows clone yon inons that collective! as a caT) out of a will grow ins at the vowed he ea Napier e French IIOMEWAIID nOI ND. to I ships from ,Lr<'ttin;:; out, and an old Toiy Admiral, to ktcp them from getting- in ''There you are," said licrnal OslioHK', '• l)oth of you at tlu! old story of 'ins and outs;' can't you leave your party politics at home?" "Or change them," said lloehnck, "as you ^\u\ your name, fi(»m Mernalcs to liernal, and then add on Osborne, as the Irisinnan does an outer coat, to ccmceal the holes in th(! inner one. Ihit the Jew will pe(>p out after all. What a national love you hav(! of torturing a fellow you do not like." '• Xot so mnch as Dizzy has," he said, good-natnr(;dly. "By jingo," said an Irish Member, " 1 wish you and your friends Kothschild and Solomons would only conmiit treason ; we'd contishcate ycmr pro- {)erty and pay off tiie national debt wid it entirely." •'I (hire say you do," saidSpooner; "the Irish an^ used to tn.'asons and (;onfiscati<»ns, and always will while the Maynooth" " Order, order," said Roebuck. "You may well say order, order," replied the Irishman, "after you have lired your own shot. It's the way you did with poor Butt: after you had been the paid agent for tlu! Canadian rebels for years, you charged Butt witlr having been liie advocate of an Indian Prince. By the jHiwers of Moll Kelly, if" "Come, come," said Lindsay, "no perscjnalities and no politics, for, as an Irish friend of mine said of some articles in the Times (two of the writers of its editorials beuig Bob Lowe and Dastmt), ' Thcf^e th/iif/fi are more Lowe than J)asent.' I move tiiat we nominate a committee of management and sup})ly." Oh, dear, it was great fun. They couldn't agree upon anytliing, and lirst moved resolutions and tluMi amendments, and gave notice to rescind, and then debated it all over again, finally adjourned, and then resumed tlu; discussion at night. Well, the committee of management mismanaged everythhig. When the boat went ashore it got aground and remained there ; wiien it returned to the ship it rcmahied there also; those that landed could not get off, and those that wanted to laud had no means of reaching the place. One-half of them did not get into the docks, and those that did either were kept waiting to enter, or were i;. ! i -T TIIK SKASON-TICKKT. ;i! ' f kIiowii ouI by a diffcnMil -latc to what they CiMiic in by. It was !i (li'oll al'tiiir. Tlicy scciiicd to have a monopoly of sliindics, as tlic (lovrnior of Malta lias ot liis caixM's. Yon knovv they ^Tow on tlic ramparts there, and peojile used to help themseh'es to what they wanted, till a notice was put up to |»revent them, whi(^h ran thus — '' Ao /)/'r,s7>//, (•.rcrpf t/ic (foi'cnior, is al/oit'cd to ciif cajH'rs on t/icsr raiN/xirfs.''^ ' It they had left thing's to ns they wonid have Ixmmi as comfortable as the day was loi;;^'; bnt they took the direction themselves, and were as nncoinfortable as people of different opinions well conid be. Ihit how can you exju'ct politicians to a'i,'ree, except in disa^'reeini;"?' Here he suddenly bro!;<> off the conversation, sayini;". 'Here is old Tom Skinner, who saile(l Avith me in the Sinda. lie is a (character, that fellow,' and, allowiii"::;" me to ptiss on, a(!C4)sted a ([ueer-lookini;' seaman that was }4'ointh it out of me in corns.' ••Are you married yet, Tom?' ' Well, I be.' ' And hov.' do yon !L;"(>t on V ' Well, 1 can't say it's a. woman lost oi- a man thrown uway ; it's nuich of a mnchnc -.s, sir. Slu> ti'ied it on at lirst, savin^j;" your presence, sir, by p)in,i;' to bed missus and ^'ettinji, up master; but I soon fetched her up with a round turn, and made hov coil np the slack. She knows h.er eourse now, sir, and ausAvers the helm beautiful.' Hero tlu^ dinner-bell raii<;', and we went below. ^Vh()everhas Ihmmi at sea, as I have, in the old sailin<>-- packets, can hardly Ixdievc^ the i;'reat improvement that lias been (effected in the arrauj^'en.uMits of oceau steamers ior the cond'ort of passen^u,'<'i's. The saloon is as dif- fcHMit a thing' from the cabin o,' former days as can w^dl be ima<:>-iued. Well lii^'hted and v(Mitilated, spacious and admirably adapted, eitluM* for the ])urpos(^s of a dinin!:>' i)r sitting' room, it has all tlie conNcMiience that a vessel '5> IS (^l codk such lJi(>ir an; ie<'t, •Thi cahii accoi acco and port when I liav iior's mine trave the 1 logel Iteen sliij)-l i'lie h delica< re|)rei- sonal fare a to be ;ipplic want <'an\a them g'< )( )d ] wa juror of a " . on th was pmiis taki^ ■ .irant ( i,': :,! IIOMKWAUI) noi NI). 77 mo in by. moiiopoiy lis capers. 111(1 pcojilc !(>(!, till ;i III llius — t capers cm IJIVC ])(MMI V t<)()l< the )iial)|{^ as ( iiow can ^•r('('in<4'?' II, sayiii<^-, me ill (he owiiijn* iiic tliat was Skimior?' lie sailor; 'I tllJ'OWll il on al (I missus up witli ■k. Siie tlie helm I saiiiii<>'- leiit that steamers s as (hf- can well •ious and ;i (liiiini>' a vessel is eapaltle of alTonliiij;-, wliile the means and mode of cooking', and tlie number and training:;" of the waiters, an; siieii as to leave passen^'ers no ^ruund to comphiin of liieir dinner, or the manner in wiiieh it is HervcMJ. They an; literally lloating hotels. On referrin*;' to this sub- ject, in a conversation with tli(; (^)mmodor<', he said, • This, sir, aris(>s from our havin;^' a fore and also an after <'al)iii. Kach has its separate ])ri{,'e, and is provided accordiiij^-ly. Those; who pay the full fare have th(; best aci'ommodation ; those; who are in tlu; forward cabin, and whose ])assa^e-money is less, an; su])plie(l in pro- portion to what they pay. It is not like; a Yankee hot(d, where there are tiirkcji boarders, and coy'//-/>i^r/"board(;rs. I have o'ien lau^'hed at ;i story told uk; by tlu; (Jover- iior's aide-de-camp at (Jibraltar, who was a passeii«;'er of mine some four or live years a^o. lie said lu; was onco liavellin,t;' in (yoiinecticut, and arrived at an inn, where I he members of the Lei;'islatur(! boarded and dined loj^'cther. A (pieer collection of sa{i,'es they must havo been from his des(a'ij)tion, consisting" of farmers, lawyers, ship-builders, lumbermen, land speculators, and so forth. TIk; landlord kept a capital table, on which was (>very delicacy of the season. Well, a |)rimitiv(; old felloAV, a n'preseiitative of a rural district, who knew more of per- sonal than |)olitical economy, and had been used to coarse fare at home, did not much like the expense, and wanted to be served at a lower rate than tlu; others; so ho applied to the landlord to reduce the fare. ''1 don't want your venison," he said; "your turkeys, your canvas-back ducks, or your salmon; let those have them that like them, and can afford them; vorncO-bccf \t, and not the arnuig'emont, that would punish Master SldnHint; according-ly he left thin.ii-s to take tlieir course. Well, the servants, who were igno- rant of th'? private compact, offered him in turn every m w. 'I ,. 1/ (I pi<' i{ 78 Tin: SEASON-TICKKT. disli on the tabic. "Bring* ino coimumI Ix^of," m'us tlie invjiriiible order. At leiig-th tliis siiiguUir and oft- repeated answer attraeted the atttMition ol' everybody at tlie table, and tlie waiters, Heeing them enjoy the joke, continually plied and teni))ted him with every other dish hi succession before they obeyed the demand for corned- beef. At last the member for Sipiashville lost all patience, and roared out in a voice of thunder to the servant, " (confound your ugly picture, don't y(m know I am a corncd-hecf boarder and not a tnrkeii boarder t " It grew into a by-word that; and every sliabby fellow at an hotel now is called a "corned-beef boarder;" so you see the Oiiir// pa.^soH/crs are here, and tlu^ conicd-becf l/ent/i'iiu'ii forward. Neither of them have any reason to complain. Everything' is done liberally here; and this I must say, I jU'efer this s(M'vice to that of th(> navy ; the oflicers are better paid, b(>tter fcmnd, and better treated in every res))ect.' After dinner I lightcnl my cigar, and ])aced up and doAvn the d(>ck, Avhieh being Hush fore and aft made an extended ])romenade. While thus (Mijoying my IlavanualK the first officer, Straglash, whom I had also known ui the Mediterranean, offered me a chair in his cabin, which oj)ened directly on the deck. He was a tall, Hne-looking fellow, active, iutellig'ent, and every inch a sailor; but his face was tuiged with that colour that bespeaks cx- ]iosure to a tro])ical climate, and exhibited traces of the fearful liver comj)lai;il, which seldom fails to await a lengthened service in the Tast. llv a])})ear(Hl to ])c a general favcnmte among the iMrectors, who had ])romiscd him the command of tlie next new ship that was to be added to the fleet. Thjrc are two most excellent regu- lations in tliis service — one is, that ev^erv officer must, before entrance, have previously served four years at sea in a sailing vessel, and be able to ])roduce testiiuonials as to competency; and the other is, that there is a regular scale of promotion. The lirst insures the safety of the ])asseugcrs and the ship, and the other, the conthiucd services of efficient officers. I acce})ted Straglash's offer of a seat with g'reat pleasure, and we soon fell into con- HOMEWARD BOUND. 79 was the !Uld oft- ybotly at lio joke, tlicr dish r corned- lost all !!• to the on know Vr?" It fellow at " so you orncd-beef •eiison to Liid liiis ] avy ; the r treated 1 up and made an avannali- vvn in the 1, which -Uiokin^' ler; but 'aks ex- es of the await a to be {I )n)mised as to be Mit I'egu- er nnist, rs nt sea lonials as I re-et into a mess.' 'Excuse me,' 1 said, Mor interrupting- you, but who is that ji;entlenian talking* to the Conunodore ; ho looks to me like a clergyman .'" 'So he is,' said Straglash; 'he is the Hector of Dockport; his imme is Merrit, hut he is better known as Old Ktujhnitl ; h<^ can never remain con- tented at home for any leng"th of time, and is always calling u))on others to do his work for him ; so they g'ave him tliat nickname, because " England expects every man to do Jiis duty." " Ah," said he to me one day, '" Straglash, how 1 should like to be chaplain to this shi])! It is just the ])arish to suit me exactly — \U() feet long, (50 feet wide — no marrying-, no christening, no cato chising children, no dissenting- ministers to drift across your hawser, no running alxmt to visit the sick as they are all in one ward, and no superintending schools and (]U{irrelling- abiuit the books to be used in them. It's just the place; where 1 could be useful, and not be exhausted with lab(mr. My work is now so hard I am obliged to kee}) constantly travelling to recruit my strength. lEow I could dev(,tc all my energies to my duty, and perform it quickly and quietly! It is a g'reat matter to be cpiit of wardens, cliurch-rates, and vestry meetings. I should like to be a cha])lain amazingly. I wonder the company don't manage to have one." He is a very amusing- man, sir- it's worth your while to talk to hiiii, for he is full of anecdote, and takes original views of (Everything, lie is always taking a rise out of the old (^)nnnod()re, when he meets him, and I have no d(mbt he is poking his fun at him now. You know Ca})tain Rivers has been at sea ever since he was a little boy, and has been in the service of this Company from its connnoncement ; of course he has met a vast number of people ui his day, and jjcrhajis he has a larger acquaint- ance than almost any man afloat. Lately his memory is affected by age, and he thinks he knows everybody. l']ngland and 1 wen; talking the other day about the III IIOMKWAUn 1U)1 XI). 81 stop out Both do ' Ex(!U8(; I is that :s to mc I ; 'ho is mt ho is naiu coi»- s always li(;y gavo -ts every one (lay, this ship! feet long-, no cato- •ift across k as thoy liools and lioin. It's id not he hard I am H'rnit my i(>s to my is a oToat ul vestry /ini^'ly. I lie is (> to talk •inal views nit of the liavo no on know as a little ^)any fr(im st iiumhei" aerpuiint- nieniory is everybody, about the Ivussiiin navy, when the Commodore joined iu the con- versjition. So, says the i)arson (givinfj^ me a wink at the time), " Rivers, did you ever meet in your travels, Captain (hit-em-off-tail .'"' " Cut-em-oi'i'-tail — (Jut-em- otT-tail," said the Commodwre, "let me see." And he put Ills liand to his forehead. " Oh, yes," he said, " I know liim ; he eommanded a fort ui the White Sea, wlien I was tliere in the Freebuotci; from Hull — oil, of course, T know liim w(dl — a jolly fellow lu; was too, but a devil to drink brandy." '' You are mistaken," said Old Eng- land, " he is in the navy." " You are right," replied the Comniodor(% "ho eommanded Ji three-decker at Sehasto})()l. I thought I recollected his name — no, I don't knoAv him personally, but I have often heard of him. Their names are so queer, they confuse a fellow."' Resuming our former topic, ' What is the reason,' I isaid, ' the Admiralty has such dilliculty in manning the navy, while you retain your men from year to year, and find it so easy to get additional hands when y(m require them ?' 'There are many reasons,' he replied, ' but the Admiralty is eith(>r ignorant of them, or won't believe them. The main cause is that the men are not well used, either by the country, or on board shi{), and the consequence is, the service is unpopular. When a war occurs, every hiducement is held out to sailors to enter, and as soon as it is over they are paid off, and turned adrift to shift for themselves. They are dis- charged in such numbers, the labour market is glutted ; they can't readily find employment, and there is much sufl\>ring. Many of them ([uit the country in disgust, and all njsolve to have ivothing further to do with the navy, which, while it almost disipialifies them from entering merchant ships (for there is a feeding against employing men-of-war sailors), recognises no claim foi- consideration on account of past services in the hour of need. There arc other reasons also. They are often away on distant voyages, separated from i\mv families and friends, for a very long period, and not allowed G !fl '. t 'f f ill ' iiN ) . Is! 1 I y ;i « 82 THE SICASON-TICKKT. tliosc iixlnlj^oncos on shore tliiit they obtain in tlie riu'rcaiifiii- inarinc. No man will bear this from choice, nor will lie voluntarily submit to the strict discipline of a man-of-war, imless •••reat pecuniary advantaj^'cs arc lield out to him. Jack is not the thonj^'htless fellow lie used to be, and ho can distin;^'uish between necessary and arl)ilrary disci])line as well as his sni)eriors. Hence, the dittlculty some ofiicers find in obtiuning' a crew, while others can man their ships with comparative ease. The character of every captain in the navy is ^'onerally known at all tiic great seaport towns in the king-dom; and if any one is a tyrant, he cannot complete a crew without obtaining" drafts from other ships. When a case of this kind o(;curs, it ought to be the duty of the admiral on the station to incpiire into it; and if, where sailors are not scnrce, men decline to enter a particidar ship, and their refusal can be traced satisfactorily to this canse, that circnmstance ought to disqualify the captain from being further employed. It would be a long- story to enter int.) details, but there are many other reasons of a similar character to those I hav(3 mentioned. One thn\g is certain, if men were as well paid, found, and treated in the navy as in merchant, ships, and received similar indulgence when in port, they would sooner enter it than the other, /o?* the work is far lighter. If they refuse, then some one or more, or all of these conditions do not exist. Don't look for remote causes, take obvious ones. If the service is unpopular, there is a reason for it. Ask the sailor him- self why he declines, and he will assign some of the objectiv>ns I iiave mentioned ; but the last man to examine on the subject is an officer. If the shoe pinches, the sufferer can point to the tender spot better than any one else. Don't treat a sailor like a horse, and try with a hammer where the nail pricks him, but ask him to jmt his fing-er on it, and then draw it out. It is in vain to ])ump a ship, unless you stop the leak, or she will fill again immediately. ' It reminds me of a trick I once saw played upon a Sif'W 1I():\IK\VAIM> IJOl'ND. 83 n in the n dioice, cipline of a^'cs arc ["ellow ho locessary . Ilenco, cw, while I He. The ^•enerally kiiif2,'dom ; e a crow When a ,ty of the if, where particular otorily to uahfy the Dulcl be a are many r\e I hav(i as well merchant 1 in port, the work is more, or look for service is ail or him- ne of the man to the shoe jot better lorse, and , l)ut ask ut. It is ak, or she ;d upon a couple of Irishmen in T^oston TIarbonr, wIkmi T was there HI tnc th u Euro) »a mail steamer, Tw( ) eim<^ntnts went on board of a lishinjj,* schooner that was lyin<4" there, and applied for work, 'i'liey wer(> told there w.'is nothing" Tor them to do, and were entreated to g-o away. But, they wouldn't take no for an answer, and the men on board, liiiding thev couldn't net rid of them, set them {o work, and told them if tli^'y would i)ump tlui vessel dry they wimld give them a e or four hours aft( rwards, the Ca])tain came on board and found the poor fellows almost dead with fatigue, and impiired of them what they wx^e at. When they informed him (tf the bargain they had made, lie almost laughed liimself into tits. The vessel, it seems, had a false lloor, and between the bottom and that, the space was filled witli water, by means of holes near the keel, to give a continued supply to the fish that were ])rought [dive in that manner to the market. Of course it flowed in as fast as they drew it; and they would have had to })ump J^oston harl)our dry before they could free the vessel. It was the greatest case of sell, I think, I ever saw. ' That is pretty much the case with the inquiry the Board of Admiralty make about manning the navy. They must go to the bottom of the thing. They must ascertain the cause of the re})ugnance sailors entertain to the service ; and having discovered and removed that, they will have more volunteers than they require, and every ship will have a [)icked crew. Competitive ex- amination may be a good thing, sir, but believe me, common sense is far better.' But, rising abrui>tly, he said: ' Here we are, sir, at ''The Needles;" excuse me if you please ; we must have our eyes out here. It won't do to have the same old story of collision.' Each well-known object, as we i)assed it, afforded a subject G 2 ^ Mi t>iS if M$ I I I m m^ ^ 81 Tin: SEASON-TICKET. for remark ; but continuous convorsation (as is always th(3 case towards the; termination of a voyage) was at an end. I safely landed at Southampton. To-inorrow I liope to avail myself of my Season Ticket. A THAIN OF THOUCiHT, TTC. 85 s ahviiys ) was ut ,v I liopc No. IV. , > 'a TUAIX OF TIIOI'IIIT, AND THOUGHTS IN A TRAIN. ITfrk I am at last at Soutlianiptoii, after iny Irish trip; I tut iniliko most timrists 1 am not content. 1 have travelled so much of late years, that restlessness, like tli(5 ])()liceman, admonislies me to 'move on.' 1 shall now use my Season Ticket, g'oin|L>" np to London oik; day and returnin<;- the next. It will j^-ive me what I require — t^lian^-e of scene and anmsement. T cannot yet settle down to any occupation ; hut this daily routine will soon hecome wearisome, and wlieii 1 am tired of it I shall he content to he stationary. I do not call it travelling'; it does not deserve to he dij^Miided with such a luime. It is taking a daily drive; with new companions; it is ii mere change of place and ass(jciates. Travelling is a far more comprehensive term, and is undertaken for very different ohjects, and very different reasons. Some go ahroad, not to gain information, hut hecause others go, and they consider it disgraceful not to have seen as much as their neighhours. In like manner, few ])eople read 'Paradise Lost,' for any other reason than that they feel ashamed to confess their ignorance and want of a])preciatioii of the })oem. Men do not like to he con- sidered heretics, and are therefore compelled to conform to the received ophiion, uistead of confessing the iliniiculty they have had in wading through the heauties ot Milton. If tliey dared to do so, they would say they iiifmitely preferred Iludihras ; hut alas! they have not courage to speak the truth. To people of this descrip- tion, 'The Grand Tour' is a 'customs duty,' that must he paid, like the Liccmie or Property Tax. It is an incident of station. Tiiere is notiiing In the prospect, f' wm nf>- ^c iiii; M.AsoN-nrKi r. « I li lull Ileal or cold, liitiiL^'iU' or iit, cxtorlioii or I'oltjit rv ; had inns, had hcds, and worse allmdanrc ; had r<»ads, had wines, and a Ion;;' ealaIoji;'ii(' (»!' Narloas suHerinLis, liaiinl lliein liUe niieasv dreams. Uiil tliey lia\t' no o|i|ion ; _i;'o they mhisI, or Ix! set down as imhodies, or llirowii out in » "iiNcrsalioii. Il woii'l do now-a-davs lo say ' l'in;4'land is _i;ood eiioii^li for iiie.' Il inav, iiitleed, he ;j,ood eiioii^li I'ur voii, hill //on arc iml llotit/ I ii(iiii//i for I'l, unless viui lia\ e heen ahroad. Tlie selioolinasler lias tvoiie lliere, so yoii iiiiisl follow liiiii. When |ieo|ilt> niaiiT, fasliion ordains thai they should make a wediliiiL;' loiir. Some i^'o to Ireland (it is a pity more do not hillow their e\am|>le), and some lo Paris; while others feel that a. trip up the IJhine is more desi- rahle, heeaiise tliev can IIumi nndeislaiid Alheii Smith, and aseerlain whether ihetJerman ihes have learned at school at all res(>mhles what is spoken hv the inliahitaiits. If llu>se n(>wly married persons really l(»ve each other, (h(\v can lia\(' hut little inclination for si;L;'ht -seeing- ; and if they don't, hoth niiiti'imony and its inevitahle tour must he i^reat hores. In my opinion, cn;-{om has ordained il rather as a penance than a pleasure, for it has in j^i'ueral mercifully liiuited its duration io a month. There is a prescrihed eours*' llijit must he followed. lM>lly presides at the arranj^-ements, and reL!,'iilal< s the eeriMiiony. There is a well-ilressed moh in the church, and a hadly-dn^ssed one at tiled, tor; tliiM'e is a crowd of hridesmaids, and aiiotluM' of U-roomsmen. while two or three cIeri;"ynuMi assist the overtasked hishop in a la'oc.rioiis service that exIiMids to l!u> (extraordinary iiMi!j,-ili o\' lifteen minutes. The hells rin^- a iiuM-ry pcnil, so haul and so joyous, oik> can scarcely helieve tlu^v could e\iM' loll. There are liea|)s of orna- ments, instead of simplicity, and heaps of dr(>ss(>s aud their concomitants, in detlance o^ the injunction a<;'aiiist ' outward adornin^i;' oi |)laitin;; the hair, and of \V(>avin,u' of i;-old, ami [)nltin>^' on {)( apparel.' There are also lots of ,ii'ossi[) amon,i;" youu!;' spinsters, and of envy amoui;' those iA' a certain ag'e. Tlu' hricU' is loudly praised aud tlalterod ; but it is sometimes whispered she is sacrilicnig ^ \l '.*cxW^: ,1' A lUAiN <»r Tiioi <;iiT, i.rc. H7 Di'lioii or 'IKlillsrc ; \ ai'ioas \\\\ tlu',v ilttwii ;»s Adii'l do tor inc.' / v ;• ; and if our iniisl licr as a iHM'cit'ullv n'csctrilx'd s al tho here is ii 'ssi'd Olio d aiiotluM' issisl llu' \J(Muls to riic bolls 1 si'arcH'ly of onia- sst>s aud n a«;"aiiisl ^V(>aTin.^■ ' also lots ■y aiuoni;" used aud ;ac'rilicin!4' liorscir to a stupid old iiiillionairc., or, what is no less dt'|>loralilc, |»artiii;j," with her own lar^c roftiino, to ro;:>iId a tarnished corcnict. 'The i/i'Jciiiicr follows, with its dull s|M'('cli('s, some of which draw Irai's, and otlaTs hhiHiicH; and then conies the inevital>le tour. There are new trunks, new drcssin^'-cascs, and new e(|ni|>a;;<'s. Every tliin;^' is new — Ihcy (»ii;;lil to he ho, lor they are to last a loll};' time. It is ji jiity the l)ridc;.vrooin is not new alH(). lie is a ;^-ood deal worn ; Itnt then, he is well j^'ot lip, an to he exceptions to };'(Mi(>ral rules. Smack ;>'o the whips, and away fly the horses — the happy coupl(> commence their wcddin;»' tour. They will not recciNc company for some time, so we shall not intrude further u|ion them. 'i'his is (he fashion — and fashion musi he obeyed: the hi^h iind the low, the ri(;li and the poor, conform to it. Even the AuKM'ican iicu'ro apes his betters. When I was at the National Hotel at Hallimore, Jackson, the blac^k biitlci' (tieiieral Jackson, as he was called) was married with much pomp and ceremony to Miss Venus (lato — both were sla\'es. The we(ldin,i;' feast was libei'ally pro- vided Ity tile landlord, and the lod;;'ers all attended to do honour to the faithful servants. At its close, 11 carriage (h'ove to tlie door, aud, to my astonishnu^nt, conveyed away the smiling and happy brid(>. ' Why, (icneral,' 1 said, • wliat is the meaning of all this? Wliy don't you accompany your wife?' 'Massa,' \u) said, ' yon know dc (juality all take de /o?/rr when d(\v iw niarri(^d; ho aa I can't li(> spared (for as me and massa keeps (lis liotel, wo must attiMul to our busiiu^ss ; dat ar a fac), 1 tought I'd s(Mul Miss Wenus by herself to take her tower, an enjoy herself. 1 wouldn't 'prive her of dat pleasure for notlien in de world. 1 scorn a mean action as I does a white servant.' ^> IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) y ^ / A O C/j fA 1.0 I.I Ui u^ 2.5 2.2 us u lia lllllio 1.8 1.25 1.4 J4 M 6" - ► 7] Photographic Sciences Corporation ,\ ^v> '^ \ N 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580 (716) 872-4503 ^" >% 4i n' I i !lil 88 TIIK SEASON-TICKET. Perhaps, after all there is some sense in wedd mj tours. At first, the attention of the happy pair is drawn from eaeh other by ehang-i )f id afterwards scene, uy tne duties of life. It lets them down easily. It is a dissolvin*^ view, that impercei)tibly discloses a stern reality. Then there is travellinjnj- on l)nsiness. This is work, and not pleasure. The liorse does the same; ho per- forms his daily stag-e, and returns to his stall at night; but neither he nor his driver are much the wiser for the journey — it must be done, and what is compulsory is always irksome. There is, also, an absconding trip by the night express train to the Continent, which jH'omises so much immunit}'', that a return ticket is unnecessary. Men who live too fast, are apt to take sudden journeys, * and travel post haste. It is an Israelitish exodus. The Egyptians are plundered before the flight, and left to mourn the spoils that were obtained from them under false pretences. The sea is placed between the fugi- tives and their pursuers. The air of France is more suited to complaints of the chesty than that of England. It is vulgar economy to avoid incurring debts, true wisdom consists in evading their payment. Many a debtor is Avhitewashed by a sojourn on the other side of the Channel. AVhen he lands, ho has a receipt in full for all past liabilities. Several French towns are honoured by this class of travellers ; and their conduct and character are such as to give foreigners a very exalted ophiion of 'Milord Anglais.' Their expatriation is a strong proof of their paternal affection, for the reason generally assigned for their exile is, that they may obtain a suitable education for their children. They avoid the society of those they knew at home, for recognition in- variably brings painful remembrances ; but they 'a\v h(3spitable and considerate to their young and rich countrj'^men who visit them, and show them practically the danger of gambling, by first winning their money, and then console them, by pointing out how fortunate they have been in not falling into the clutches of foreign professional shar[)ers. In return for all these delicate, A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 89 I wedding" r is drawn iftorwards ily. It is 3s a stern 3 is work, i; he per- at night; ler for the pnlsory is iig trip by li promises necessary. I journeys, dus. The nd left to leni under the fugi- ;e is more England. ebts, true Many a lier side of , in full for honoured iduct and ry exalted ition is a he reason nay obtain avoid the ffnition in- they ar(^ and rich practically ir money, fortunat(* of foreign e delicate, but most useful attentions, the only favour (and that is a very small one) which they condescend to ask or re- ceive, is to have a bill cashed on their banker, C. Stuart, Esrp, No. 1, Cockspur-street. The travellers are well j)leased to accommodate their hospitable English friends in such trifling matters ; it is the only compensation they can make for their kindness, and for the visit they have rendered so agreeable. What could they have done without these residents, for they were unable to luider- stand the natives, and the French never speak English? The money is ])aid and received, as a matter of course, and when the bill is presented, the enlightened tourist liiids that C. Stuart is the bronze statue of Charles tho First, which obstructs and disfigures Charing Cross ; that a bankrupt king makes an indifferent banker, and that worldly wisdom can be acquired in London as (easily, and far more chea|)ly than either at Nice or Boulogne. Yankee travellers are not so easily taken in. As they say of tliemselves, with great complacency, ' tliey have cut their eye teeth.' ' You might as well try to catch a weasel asleep as to find them napping.' ' You can't draw the avooI over their eyes.' ' They were not born yesterday.' ' They are wide awake.' Tlies(; and many other elegant j)hrases of the same description indic'ite at (mce their superiority over Bri- tishers and then- contempt for them. These English absentees and Yankee bagmen, are the scum of Great Britain and America, that floats on tho surface of the Continent. They are avoided by the elite of both countries, and must not be considered as types of either nation. The former go abroad to avoid the ])ayment of debts ; the latter to incur expenditure they camiot afford, and both bring discredit on their country- men. These Yankee tourists thoroughly enjoy the trip to Europe. They set apart as large a sum of money for the purpose as is compatible with safety, and when that is expended they return to America. It is a matter of indifference whetlier this happens in three or in six ijionths. AEoney is no object, credit is capital — as long til ' t ill' t f: I il t I » \»i !! n, 90 Tin: SKASON-TIOKl/r, as one lasts tlio otlicr iil)()Uii(ls. If tlicy cannot afford the oxponso, somo one else can. John l^nll ^vilI 'do, or (lie;' Jonathan will 'do, or Im^ak ' Tliat is the differ- ence between a hi^h and a low tone of ])rineiple. To die in the pursuit of any object is slieer folly. To fail, and then to try aj^'ain, is worldly wisdom. A lii-ood bankrupt law is a p'eat blessing-; there is no sponp;e like a judicial one. It effaces all scores; it g-ives a clean slate to recommence addition and multiplication ; it pre- vents total annihilation. Instead of utterly ruining one merchant, it diffuses the loss over a great nndtitude of traders and manufacturers who have no reason to com- l)lain, because allowance is made for Inid debts in their prices. The world is merely a large mutual insurance association, which sustains individual losses, and pays the amount out of the i)remiunis represented by their gains. To pay a dividend is more lioiiourable than to repudiate a di>l)t. The im])()rter can afford to fail, while the loss falls on the ' soft-horned' manufacturer, who resides at Manchester, Belfast, or Glasgow. The Americans, therefore, spend freely. A hotel-keeper, at Liverpool, once told me he regarded them with unbounded ad- miration ; he said they were model travellers, for they never examined the items of a bill — they merely looked at the end of it to ascertain what Jose})h Hume used to call 'the tottle of the hull,' and then, in the most gen- tlemanlike manner, gave a cheque for the amount. They go in pursuit of pleasure, and, cost what it may, they arc determined to enjoy themselves. It is a great relief to get out of a country that labours under the infliction of a Maine Liquor Law. It is irksome to keep up the ap- pearance of morality in deference to a public opinion which will tolerate an offence, but has no sympathy with detection. Once cm the ocean, the jurisdiction of the People's Court ceases, and the unwilling slave of custom asserts his freedom. lie drinks, he gambles, and becomes a fast inan. He does not remain long hi England; for though he considers himself equal to the oldest jK'cr of the realm, his claim is unfortunately not recognized, and he quits the country in disgust. Be- A TKAIN Ol- TIIOLCillT, KTC. 91 iiiot nfford ill 'do, or tlic diflov- ciplc. To . To fail, A ji^ood 110 spoil p;e :(>R {I clean )n ; it pre- uiiiiii.u,* one ultitiide of on to com- )ts ill tlieiv iiiKiiraiice and pays d by tlieir )le than to 11, while the v'ho resides Americans, Liverpool, mnded ad- •s, for they rely looked ne used to most p:en- lunt. They may, they i^-reat relief e infliction np the ap- lic ophiion sympathy idiction of slave of gambles, m long in inal to the natcly not iust. Be- T lore he leaves it, however, as he is a sight-seer, if there is a levee, he attends it, and is enabled on his return to boast of the honour of knowing the Queen. His })atron, the Minister, is dressed like a butler, and sometimes mistak second. lie expectorates incessantly (I use that expression, beciiuse 1 do liot like the common term) to the annoyance and evident danger of every one around him. J^ragging nev(>r fatigues him ; but as this is generally a matter of comparison he makes it more odious by disparaging everything out of his own coun- try. A friend of mine lately steamed up the Thames with one of these gentry when he was in this agreeable mood. When th(\y arrived off Woolwich he pointed to a line-of-battle ship anchored there, and said, •■ What do A TIJAIN OK TlIOlCillT, LTC Ml ciicliniit (• l"]M<;lisli, y call (.'oii- ic ciid siiid r its iiillu- cy ciiu act ortioii, but lu'V lualu'K I) sec iiioro Ilo is oil" icMit. Two i|) to a luit nicy. Von I ill one of for ho is Ho is a neck, Jiiid d a sloucli. liis eyes II, and ter- (liij^'crs, of : for^;*lovos tlic back of for, while 2;'uarded by It is not ly, and is devoted to of the first riis incense incessantly lie common I every oiu^ but as this :es it more own Conn- ie Thames 4 aj2:reeable jiointed to * What do you (!al1 ///'// .'^ ' 'That is tlu^ l)rcadiiou.t;-lit,' was the r<'|)ly, 'an old niiin-of-war, but now used as a re(;eivin^' siiij).' 'All,' he said, ' we raise cabl)a;j;'es in the States as bi,L>- as that M/m/.' Procee(lin<^* farther up the river they came oj)j)osite to the Leviathan, which was just ready to b(^ launched, when he put a similar (piestion as to her. ' VVHiatdo you call f/i((t /' 'That,' naid my friend, 'is a .i;*r(!at iron kettle we an^ building" to boil tlu^ Vankeci cabba^'cs in.' ' Straii|J!'(M',' he re[)li(Ml, with a loud lau<^'h, '1 guess you werii't born in the woods, to be scared by an owl, was you? W^'ll, that ere ship is as big as all out doors, that's a fact.' Of th(* (piality of land he is a good judge; but he is indifferent to the beauties of nature; he ascends the Rhine that he may have the opportunity of boasthig of a larger American riv(>r. The scenery, lui says, is not worth looking at, it is so inferior to that of the Hudson. So he takes off his hat, and extracts from it a jiack of cards, seats himself in tlu; first vacant ])lace, and com- mences playing with some vagrant countryman a game at irai'te, which is enlightened by sundry ex})ressions of triumjih (U- disappointment, that are as imintelligible to you as to the Germans. You meet him again at Rome?, where you sec him coolly walk up to one of his country- men, and, taking his cigar out of his mouth, light his own by it, remarking, at the same time, that ' he knew he was an American as soon as he saw him,' a discovery which, no doubt, many others had made before him. When he returns to his native land his friends arc able to appreciate 'How much a donkey that has been to Eomo Exceb a donkey that is kept at home.' Then there is the scientific traveller, who writes mi- readable books which are illustrated, not with sketches, but unpronounceable words of Greek compounds, with Latin (Epithets — a sort of plated ware, with silver handles. He is to be found in the mountains or the ravines. He is armed with a hammer, and carries a bag filled with fragments of rocks that are enough to load a s > ;)■ I I i. !( If 1)4 TMK ASON-TK'KKT. (I()iik(\y. lie is silent, distiiiil, and iii^i^lcctt'iil of Ills person. 'IMie |;(»liee linve :in eye lo liiin, as u man eillicr weak in intellect, or assnininj^- llie iippearanee of a. ^'('o- l()«;ist, to (lisai'in suspicion, while lie is intri^^-iiing U) overthrow the ( Jovennneiit. There is also the connoissenr traveller, who criticiHOS ])i('tnres, stalnes, and architectural l)MiIdin_rliaps, the dolm l\rurrny class is the most numerous, 'i'hey buy his lian at; and, when th(>v return, tlioy are just as wise as if they had studied these manuals and remained at home. The character ol' the people, their laws and institutions, their system of education and p)vernment, their tax(s, resources, domestic trade, foreii^'u conunercc, and everythinsi,' that is worth knowing", are all omitted. Tli(\y cannot all be comprised in a fivc- shillinj;' volume, and it cannot succeed if it is too diffuse. It is the idlers manual: a continental Bradshaw, with letter-press, a distance table with a list of i)rices and fares, and a catalopie of tlun.iis to be seen if you have time and inclination. Such travelling;', however, is not \vithont its use: if it does not furnish nnich informatum, it supplies topics of conversation when tourists return home. Tlu^ Kno-lish s(m> more* of their own country now than they did before the introduction of railways. They are also more connnunicative. This is particularly^ the ease on the Soutliam))ton line, Avhere there is always a fair sprinkling' of ])ersons who have just returned from abroad, and who freely enter into conversation with their neig'hbours. Just before 1 took my departure for London the Pera arrived from .Mexandria and Malta, bringing a large number of passengers, some of whom were from Australia and others from India. Most of them retained the dress of their respective countries, iilnl A TUAIN OF Tn<)r(;ilT, KTC 1)5 111 of ll'lN liiii cillu'i' of it j;'('(>- !;'uin/^' to criticisos :i wny to ^iblislicrs ^'s Ix'ttcr, loy. Tlio ICO of the rriiv rlass liook tlial 1 iiiusc'.inis urn, tlioy i> maiuialK llO ]>(M)|)l0, (Hhication stic trade, I knowing, I in a five- )o diffuse. \i\^v, with vWvH and you have or, is not oiination, sts return now than Tlioy are y the case ays a fair nod from ition with arture for nd Malta, of whom Most of countries, iiiid tiie wliuie formcil siii^'ularly pictureHque pcroups. lien; a njaii iiiovcmI aliouj, with an air of indepeiidciuH? and scU- reliance, that marked \ho settler in the hush, who rcMinircd iiotliiii;^' t''itt he could not do for himself; and there another was assisted ashore, hy black attend- ants, without wiiose aid at every turn he seemed utterly helpless. Maltese do^'s, Aral) horses, paro(piets, c(u;ka- {(M»s, <-i(iii. iiiii/ti,^ ii/iis, woYd landed in ;2:reat nnnd)ers. They a])i)eared lo have been put on board in the vain liope that, like the honueojtathic system, one; cause of nausea wonld neutralize another — that a sin<;-inr at the siiij^'ular ap))earance of these people, their attendants, and livini^" animals, addressinpc himself tome, said, "That vessel, sir, is a sort of Noah's Ark; for it contiiins birds, beasts, and all sorts of queer tilings. As soon as it touches tlu; shore how they rush out, as if delighted to sec; the land again. There are some things about the ark 1 iu!V(»r could mulerstand. Can you tell me, why in the world Noah took on board a rat, a weasel, and a turni[)-(ly, which were sure to destroy his corn, and his green crops ! I'm thinking they must have got in mdieknownst to him, afore the ark was finished, for he never could have taken them in on purpose. The old gentleman, you see, was six hundred years of age at that time, and it is natural to suppose that his eyesight was none of the best, especially as glasses hadn't been invented then. I suppose the rats sneaked into the sacks of corn afore they was put on board, and that the i'ii;*f^ of the turnip-tly was c(mcealed in the seed, for Swedes and turiiip-Hies naturally go together. The best way I knows on to secure the crop, is to take the seed and roll it over ' — Here this disquisition was cut short by the rapid passage of a hand-truck, which, striking his legs from under him, rolled him over on it, and carried him off, (minus his hat,) sprawUng and roaring, to the infinite ■ ■ 1 -■' 96 TIIK SKASON'-TICKKT. h' jiinnHcmcni of the liystandcrs. 'Take lliatMniiikcii niiiii oil" the <|nay,' slioutcti llu; wurclKHisc-kccjMM', 'or he will fall into the dock.' I'ickiii;;' up llio poor fcIlow'H hat, T followed the truck; and having- released him from \\\n iinpleasaut Kltualioii, restored it io him, and (heu, jjro- eeedin;;' with my friend ('aiy to the train, set out for London. Hecurrin*;' to this hidierous Hcene, aft(!r we had e()niforta])ly seated ourselves in the earna<^e, 1 remarked that the man was as stupid a clodhopper as I ever saw, hut that he was not intoxicated, and added, he was ' as s(»ber as a jud<^e.* ' That is rather an e(pii- vocal standard,' replied Cary. 'I onc(? heard Lord Broadlands, who was a fast man, ask dear old Mr. Justice Mellow, of convivial memory, if there was any truth in that old sayin*;-, "As sob(!r as a judf:5'o?" It was a ^ood hit, and we all lau^-hed heartily jit it. "It is perfectly true," replied the Judge, "us most of those old saws arc." They are characteristic, at least; for Ko])riety is the attribute of a judge, as inebriety is of u nobleman. Thus we say, "As sober as a judge," and " As (Iruuk US a lordy Mellow was the readiest man 1 ever knew; lie went on to say, "I know then^ are men too fond of the bar to sit on the henvh^ and that there are [)eers who richly deserve a drop. The iirst are unwor- thy of elevation ; the last seldom get'what is their due.' " "Talking of sobriety,' I said, 'how fares tectotalism now? for I have been so long out of England, I am hardly aware what progress it has made. In the States, the attempt to enforce the Maine Liquor Law has in- creased drunkenness to an alarming degree. At first, the legislature prohibited the issue of licences for the sale of fermented liquors, but this was evaded in every possible way. The striped pig was a very amusing dodge. A man advertised that he was possessed of a singular pig, which was striped like a zebra, and that it Avas to be exhibited under canvas, at a certain price daily. Crowds pressed forward to behold this wonderful animal, but every one who entered the tent in which it was shown, expressed his hidignation at having been cheated by the substitution of a common hog, that had t . d( A TUAIV OF THOIT.IIT, KTC. •7 ik(M» man »r lie will v's liiit, 1 from liirt I liiMi, pro- t out for lifter wo .rriu^e, 1 )])\)i}i' as I id added, • an (Miui- ;jiv'C," and lest man 1 r(^ are men that there are nnwor- tlieirdue.'" teetotahsm iind, I am Ithe States, law has in- At first, for the sale in every [y amusing iesscd of a and that it ■rtain price wonderful in which it ,ving been , that had l>een shaved and painted in longitudinal striix'S. Tho keeper feigned great regret at the disappointnient and want of taste of tlu; spectators, and begged them to accept a glass of rum and a bis('uit, as some comjKMisa- tion for tlie deception. It was soon whispered about, lliat it was an acute evasion. The money was paid for ;i si(f/if, in order to obtain a taste; it was the admis- sion ticket that was sold, and not the liquor. " Tho law," he said, "did not i)revent a man from being liberal to his friends." ' Another evasion was, to import from tho adjoining state, where this rigid law did not prevail, a collin, con- taining a tightly-fitting tin box, filU^d with brandy. When 4'niptied of its contents it was supplied with a corpse, tho victim of the poison it had previously concealed. To prevent these tricks, all persons were prohibited by penal enactments from selling spirituous liquors, unless a pro- fessional order was obtained, pn^scribing it as a medicine. Tiui mere production of the order was declared to be a ])rotection; but the Act was silent on the subject of tho qualification, or the sex of the practitioner, so every man })rescribed for his neighbour, and nurses ordered it into every house they attended. In short the law was so loosely worded and so badly amended, that as soon as one hole was soldered up, another appeared, and it was never '' liquor-tight." In my opinion it increased the evil it was d(>signed to remedy, by adding to it fraud and hypocrisy. You may induce a man to be temperate by appealing to his reason, or his sense of right and wrong, but you can never compel him to bo so by legal enactments, or pecu- niary penalties. If the fine is too large, it creates a sympathy for the offender, and it is paid by subscription ; if too small, it is added to the price of the illicit spirits. If its enforcement violates personal liberty too much, and calls in the aid of inquisitorial powers, the executive officer subjects himself to personal outrage, and his pro- p(?rty to serious depredations. In several cases, I have known a temperance hall to be blown up with gunpowder, and in others, maroons to be exploded in the premises of the Clerk of the Licences. Wherever tried, such laws H «^!i 98 TIIK SEASON-TICKKT. ti '• liave alwayH failed to cfTcct the (>bji'(;t for wliich ihcy were enacted. Low diiticH, or free tr.ade, an; th(; only effectual checkH on Hnnifi^^iinfj:, and, in like manner, ex- ample and iK3r8uasion can alone reprcHH intem{)erancc.' *1 entirely a^ee with you,' Haid a /^vntieinan who sut oppoHite to me, 'aH to tlie inefticacy of the American pro- liibitory laws, and of the liypocriHy enp'ndered by coni- pelUn/j;' j)eo]ilt! to take; |)i('d<;('s to abstain from the ns(( of fennented licjiiors. When 1 waH canvassing* the Ixnou^h of Sewennoutii, during" the last fi;'eneral election, many of niy constituents irujuired of uu) whether 1 was iu favour of the intnxhiction of the Maine Li(|uor Law into this country, and upon my stating my objection to it, they positively refused to vote for im\ At last I camo t) a publican, whose support 1 felt certain 1 should obtain. "Ah, my friend." I said, '•'I feel as if I had a natural claim to your cordial aswHtance. Eveiy member of the Tem- perance Society in Sewermouth has declined to vote for me, because 1 will not consent to the introduction of the Maine Liquor Law; my oi)inion is, that it is incompa- tible with the liberty of the subject. If you think proper to retail beer or spirits, you have a right as an English ■ man to do so," aiid so forth, in the usual electioneeriTig' declamatory manner. "Stop, sir," saldtlie ymblican, "if you please; I will have nothing" said in this house agauist members of Temperance Societies ; they arc the best customers I have. When one of them sUps in here on the sly, he throws hisha'|)ence on the counter, and says, Give me a glass of gin, which he snatches up, without sto}iping to see if the glass is (juitc* full, lays his head back, and tosses it off like winky, and then jjassing his hand over his mouth, this way," (and he suited the ac- tion to the word), "and giving his lips a dry wi})e, ho g"oes t(.) the door, looks cautiously up and down tlu^ street, to ascertain that nobody is observing him, and then walks off as innt»cent as a land), feeling good all over, and looking at peace with himself and the world, like a righteous man that is setting a good example to all Ids neighbours, for conscience sake. But your open audageous dram drinkers, sir, set all deccncv at defiance, ini tnil Bri thi .ye I bel A TIIAIN OF TIIOL'CillT, ETC. U thoy 10 only i>r, fx.- iico.' v\u) Rat aupro- (y coin- > US(^ of , many was iu ,uw into n to it, [ T caino I (il)tain. [•ill t'Uiiui ho Tom- vote for m of the iiicompa- ik proper Kn?;liHli' iouooi'inpr lican, " if aond<'noe. Wlieii they eonu' here, they Hwa^^-er in, aw if they felt they hud a ri>»'iit to driiiiv whatever tliey could puyf«>r, andwirthe*! :dl tlie world to know they would exereismach of on ; but uick eye I, and a steady liand to the gentleman what drives. ' Stout,' says the butler from the Hall up there, to mo the other day, wh(!ii lie and his friend from the Castle dined hero, witii mo, ' Stout,' says ho, ' I can't boar your wine, you ain't a judge (jf the article ; boor and spirits is more in your lino, so I took the liberty to send here some old port, wintago '25, that I ordered yester- day, as a sample to try afore laying in for our governor.* When we was discoursing it artor dinner, sais he, ' Stout, I ros{)oct 7/0?/. You arc a man of great talents, far greater talents than are a Moux or Ilanbury, or any other compounder of hops and cockHcus Indigus, that sits in Parliament, and objects to the courts of mar- riage and divorce taking jiu'isdiction over adultery hi beer, and that wants to take duty off paper, (readin being out of their lino,) but won't lot farmers malt their own barley. They are hiniin by nature, and bruin by occupation. You see, Mr. Stout (as our governor says, and worry properly too,) we levels down to whore we be, but we don't fill t.io walleys up to us. It stops the water courses you see, and breeds a flood ; and when the floods come, if you haven't any high hills to fly to why you are done for, and the fishes got your precious bodies. Now that's the way with them brewers I named ; they shig out for free trade, but buys up all the public-houses, and them and their friends won't hconce any that won't sell their beer ; they are hypo- crites and Pharisees that treat publicans that way. Your health, Mr. Stout,' says ho, ' how do you Hke the flavour of that wine ? it's of the whitage '25, so marked in the governor's collar — ahem ! I moan in the wine merchant's. It ain't to be sneezed at, is it?' — Then ho hold up his glass to the light, ' See,* says he, ' it has the bee in it.' ' The devil it has,' says I ; ' how in the world did it get in there ? lot me get a teaspoon, and take it out.' He nearly laughed himself on to the floor at that ; he was like a horse that has the staggers ; he shook his head, reeled about, and quaked all over. When he recovered, says he, ' Stout, you are a capital actor, that's the best thing I ever heard. As I was ■m i'i ■If !; it J;: m 102 THE SEASON-TICIvET. n if sayinj^, I respect yon : eyes to sco, but don't sec ; hoars to 'ear, bnt don't 'ear; finiG^or.s to pick and piy, but don't pry into wliat yon ain't wanted to know ; a tonp^-ne to speak, but tliat don't speak ill of your neighbour; a memory to rememb(}r what is iinjiortant to retain, but that can forget what ain't convenient to recollect. It's a perfect chaiActei', for none are so blind as them as won't see, so deaf as what won't hear, or bo ignorant as won't know what ain't their business to know.' Well, sir, I likes coachmen also; they are discreet, prudent people ; they calls to see if there is anything come from the saddler's ; and when they inquire if that parcel is arrived, I am to understand it is one that was expected, and called for before, and I am to entreat them (only as acquaintances, and not as customers) to take a glass, which they does reluctantly, and tells me to blow up the carrier when I, see him, for not ol)eying their orders. That glass is to be charged ; they have their reasoins for what they says and does : they knows who is who in the shop, and they wants it to lie seen they came on business on that occasion, and not for pleasure. * " Footmen likewise have, or expect something by the carrier, or they want to ascertain addresses, or to inquire after all sorts of persons and things. They complabi bitterly that instead of a list being given them, they are sent several times to my house, when once would answer ; in short, they talk of leaving their places on that account. All these are respectable customers, sir ; they never stay long, or make a noise, for they knows what's what, and are up to the time o' day. ' " Willage servants I despise ; they are ignorant, underbred varmin. What is jiarquisites of office in the upix»r class is no better than prigging with them ; one is what they calls superfluities, the other is low pilfering and nothing else. They toss up their heads, particularly females, as if they had been used to high life, and say they won't Hve wath people who ' throw up and lock up.' * What do you mean by that ? ' I said ; ' I never heard the expression before.' — ' A\"hy, sir,' said the eccentric publican, 'it is where a tradesman's wife is her own c ; lioars but don't ong-uo to libour; a tain, but X!t. It's them as tiorant as .' Well, prudent :)mc from parcel is expected, . (only as a glass, blow up ir orders, r reasons 10 is who ' came on ig" by the o inquire complabi t)m, they ce would )lace8 on Hers, sir; y knows gnorant, ce in the fi ; one is pilfering rticularly and say lock up.' 'cr heard eccentric lier own A TRAIN OP THOUGHT, ETC. 103 housekoopor, and locks up her pantiy, and has the ashes sifted, and tlie cinders thrown buck into the fire again. They say they want to live Avhcre the gentlemen wear ])owder, and where their missises are ' carnage people.* I forwards no ^jarccls for the like of them; they ain't safe customers. 1 leave them to cliarwomen, who carries messages from their loviers, and takes money from one, and ni()n(\v worth from the other. Them women," sir, arc regular smugglers; tliey have long cloaks, large aprons, and big pockets; they hitroduces sweethearts and gin, and smuggles out groceries and prowisions ; and when they ain't a runnhig of goods, they act as coast-guards ; they stands sentry for them, and gives the signals that the coast is clear for tliem as are in to get out, and them as are waiting for a chancH^ to slip in on the sly : they are a bad lot, sir, the whole on 'em ; I am afraid of them, and I never want to see them here, for they are very tonguey sometimes, and it don't do for the hke of me to have a noise hi my house. I had to turn two of them out this morning. * " They met here quite accidentally, and says one of them to me quite loud, on purpose to be overheard, * Mr. Stout, who is that ? she is one of the " has-beens.'* * I'd have you to know,' said the other, ' that the " has- beens" are better nor the "never-wases" all the world over,' and she flew at her like a tiger. Liquor, you see, sir, acts different on different }X3ople. Some it sets a laughin, and others a ciyin ; some it brightens up, and others it makes as stupid as owls. Melancholy, high- strikes, kissing, quaiTcUing, singing, swearing, and every sort of tiihig is found hi drinking, when enough grows into too much, and the cup runs over. Women never do notliing in moderation. A little does them good, but when they goes beyond that it is niination. No, sir, take 'cm all in all, as far as my experience goes, I giv^e the preference, by all odds, to the members of temperance societies. They use liquor without abusing it. It never excites them, for they never talk over it ; and it is astonishing how much a man can stand, if he will only hold his tongue. I'll vote for you, su: ; but don't say Mi I § 104 THE SEASON-TICKET. nothing against temperance society people in my house, if you please." ' Such was the whimsical account my fellow-traveller gave of his reception by the publican, when canvassing him for his vote ; and he added that he thought tce- totahsm, in any shape, when not founded on religions principles, was illusory; and that if attempted to be enforced by penalties, it would be successfully resisted or evaded. A relapse in the case of a drunkard he con- sidered fatal. ' It is hard,' he observed, ' to wean a calf that has taken to sucking a second time.' ' I never hear anecdotes of drinking,' said another passenger, 'thrt I do not think of one tiiat was told nio of a poor clergyman in Lincolnshire, lie had received, for the first time in his Hfe, an invitation to dine with liis bishop. It was at once a great honour, a great event, and a great bore. He was flattered and frightened: flattered by being considered wortliy of dining with those who dressed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day : and frightened at his own igno- rance of the usages of episcopal palaces. Not having a servant of his own, he took his parish clerk with him to attend him, and desired him privately to ascertahi from the other servants any particulars of etiquette he was to observe as a guest, and also what he was to do himself. Soon after the dirmer was served, the bishop, who was a kind and condescending, though formal, man, asked the poor rector to do him the honour to drink wine with him. To be selected for this special mark of favour (for he was the first whom his lordship had asked to drink with him) was most gratifying to his feelings. It was a distinction never to be forgotten. He bowed low and quaffed his wine, that warmed a heart already glowing with pride and gratitude. He had, however, no sooner replaced his glass upon the table, than his humble attendant, the clerk, stepped up behind him, and, leaning over his shoulder, carefully wiped his mouth with a napkin. His first thought was that all this ceremony was unnecessary, and that this luxury was effeminate, to say the least of it. It was the first time in his life A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 105 ly house, ■traveller nvassing" [gilt tee- rcligioiis 3d to 1)0 resisted i he con- aii a calf another s told me received, ! with his it event, g-htened : ing' with jid fared wn igno- having a ,li him to ain from .0 was to himself. who was n, asked '^ine with v'our (for to drink It was a low and glowing sooner humble , leaning with a eremony cminate, his Hfe his mouth had ever been wiped by another since that Idud office had been performed for him by his mother or his nurse when he was a child. The singularity of the incident attracted much observation and amusement. The archdeacon followed the example of the host, rather to ascertain the meaning of this extraordinary whim of the parson than to do him honour or indulge his own desire for another glass. They mutually bowed and drank their wine, when the clerk again stepped forward, and again w^iped the rector's mouth with great gravity. Another and another tried the same experiment with the same result, but with increased merriment. The poor old gentleman was confused by this extraordinary atten- tion of the company, and the still more inexplicable con- duct of his attendant. When the entertainment was over, and he had retired to his room, he summoned the clerk, and requested an explanation of the singular ceremony. ' " It's quite right, sir," said the artless man ; " I in- quired of the servants at his lordship's what I was to do, and how I was to behave myself, and they told me to stand near the sideboard, out of their way, and to keep my eye on your reverence, and when any gentle- man asked you to drink wine, my duty was to wipe your reverence's mouth with the napkin, and then return to my place, and that if you called me, they would attend to your wishes ; but that I was on no account to stir from my post." " You are a born fool, a stupid blockhead," said the rector ; " couldn't you see that that form was not observed to any one else at table ?" "I did, sir, and when I said so to the butler, he told me it was always done to every gentleman who had the honour of dinhig at the palace for the first time, and was meant as a great mark of favour to a stranger. He told me that every other clergyman present had been, on his first visit, honoured in the same way." The poor old parson was overwhelmed with shame; and what is worse, he has never been able to boast, as he otherwise would have been most proud to do, " of once having had the honour of dining with the Bishop of Lincoln.'" I have often observed that when a person tells a good lii 'Rl ■ m i, . ■'»ji I !'i' i i« i I f ^1 ](h; THK SEASON-TICKKT. Htory, it pconiH io nHMill to tli(» nM-DlloriioiiH of othorH one of a sitiiilar nuluro, until tii<> coiivcrsatioii lu'corncs auccdotiil. Tliis st^ny of the poor rector and tiic hisiiop rciiiiiuicd rno of oih» told l»y an old admiral, Hiiicc dc- (•(MiscMJ. In his early dayn li(» went to nea an a niidishi|)- nian, Avitli poor (^aplain Hawser, of tlio Vesuvine. Hawser was a trtnniMulous fellow for ^roij;"; worse (fveii than Old Charley, an«l tliat is sayini;' a ^ood deal. W(ill, Avh(M> they arrived in the \V<«st Indies, this indul}»;enee soon hronj^ht on a fever, and Hawser uetirly lost Jiis lift indul^j^e. Shortly after they returntnl to Enjji'land, the Vesuvius was ordoriMl to the Baltic; and as soon as they sailed for their d(»8tinjttion, Hawser resumed the jjrro^, so lon^' discontinued, lie daily asked to have it incTcased in strenjjcth, as they proceed<>d on their way, and wlien thev reached .tlw^ lialtic it was coiisideral)lv uiore than hal/'OiKl-lialf. The further he saikMl, th(» stron^'er it became, until, at last, there was scarcely any water in the composition. The invariable onler was jz,*iven to i\w steward, " fartluT north,' which meant 'mix. it stiffev still.' One day he sternly tvinnnanded hiui to uuike it * fartluM" north.' " 1 can't, sir,' lu> replied; ^you hare beoi due north for three daiin. It is uo lon^'er ji'roii;'; it is clear rum.' 'Tlu^ force (^f nature c(uild no farther p).' There is a limit to libations, even wluMi Mar north;' and deli- rium tremens terminated the care(M' of oue of the kindest, bravest, and noblest fellows in the mivy. Those who cannot afford p)od wine, are apt to substitute rum, or brandy juul water in its place ; and if taken in small quantities, it is uot only unobjectiouablc, but wholesome. J^ut it is a danjji^erous habit, and one that is diilicult to keep under })rojK'r control. 1 have often lau^j^hed at a conversation I once heard between two old country squires, avIio wiu'e lamenting' the dissi- pation of a yiuuis^ friend of theirs. 'All,' said one, A rifAlN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 107 oIIkth one I iKM'orncs tlic l)islu>i> , Hiiicc do- u nu(lslii|)- Vi>KU villus. worse (^von leal. W(il], rly lost liis ITiH mi'ss.' or brandy, ill ;i cold the i'artiicr it indnljz:^. lO Yrsuvius they sailod i-ojj:, so lonj;* lUToasiHl in , and Avlicn more tluui stron^vr it ly water in iven to tlu^ K it stift'ov to nuike it II have been it is elear o-,) .' There ;' and deli- the kindest, ire apt t<> lee ; and if jectionable, )it, and one ol. 1 have •d betw(MMi :; th(» dissi- ' said one, sliakin^' his lioad, and speaking most dolefiilly, ' tlioy iell nie liu? poor fellow hiis taken to drinking- R|)irits,* ' Yes,' replied his lrien worst ol" it,' and ho lowered his voici* as if it was sonH'lhinjL]C very horrible, ''he puts the irater in jirst, sir; what dreadi'nl depravity! !* M don't understand,' said the first inonrner, 'how that alters the ease.' 'Don't you?' sai last stage; it shows Ik; has s(Mise enoiig'h to be ashamed, and yet wants n^solution to a(;t i)rudcntly. It's the drunkard's dod}2;'e. I (Consider a ])erson, sir, who does that a dishonest fellow, lie ji^ets drunk und(^r fals(^ ])ret(!nees : lu; is a lost man. To drink brandy and water, sir, is low, very h>w; but to put the water in Jirst is the devil.' ' That story yon told lis just now,' T said, addressing the gentleman who related to us the remarks of the ])ublieaii upon teetotallers and others who fnnpiented liis house, 'is a ca})itjd oiu^, but it is also a nudancholy «k(>tch. The condition of servants is one that cannot 1k) vi(>wed otherwis(i than with <^reat n^gret, if not with a])|)rehension. Servitudes is, at l)est, a state of humi- hatioM, and we cannot wonder that it leads to a oertaui degree of disaffection. To view it philosophically it is, after all, a mere contract. On the one side a stipulated sum is ])aid for certain services, and on the other there is a ]m)mis(^ faithfully to obey and execute all lawful orders in consideration of the wages thus agreed ui)ou. AVe i)ay our money, and we expect the equivalent. Jiut although the terms are settled to tho satisfaction of both ))arties, the master and the servant mutually desire to derive the ntmost advantage from the bargaui. Tho former wants the entire time and devotion of tho servant, while the latter strives to limit his services, as far as he can, to such a moderate and reasonable dis- charge of his duti(>s as he tinds most compatible with his OAvn ease and comfort. Both look to the terms of tho conti-act, and severally interpret its clauses in their own 'i'ii:i I 108 TUE SEASON-TICKET. i II ' i ^ favour. From the artificial state of society in which wc^ live, we are both led to stand on our rights. As there .'3 no favour conferred on cither side, so there is no gratitude. If we are kind to our servants, they regard our liberality as a just tribute to their merits ; while on their part, if they do their duty tolerably well, they think they have earned their wages, and are under no sort of obligation to us. Personal attachment seems altogether out of the question. I was very much struck with the observation of the hotel-keeper at Paris, where Orsini lived when he made the attempt on the Ufe of the Emperor Napoleon. He was asked whether he had any suspicion that Gomez (who acted as his valet) was what he represented himself to be — Orsini's servant. He rephed that he had his doubts ; for he had kept an hotel for thirty years, and in all that time had never heard a servant but Gomez who spoke well of his master ! It struck him as a Very suspicious circumstance. Can this be true ? If it be, what a satire it is upon poor human nature ! ' Much of the disappointment we experience in the conduct of servants, is our own fault ; we are afraid to speak the truth ; we dread an action for slander, if wo venture to state what we know to be true, without being quite in a position to prove our assertions. We give them characters to which they are not entitled; we pity them, and, concealing their defects, say all we can in their favour. We enable them to bring other em- ployers to grief, as they have brought us. Their former masters assisted them in deceiving us, and we aid them in imposing on others. What right have we, then, to complain ? We bring inconvenience and trouble upon ourselves, by our negligence or want of firmness and candour. The remedy is not wholly in our own hands, but we can protect ourselves to a great extent if we please. Knowing how little reliance is in general to bo placed upon written characters, let us, if possible, have an interview with the last employer. He will probably tell us much that he will not venture to write, and, at all events, is open to cross-questioning. And when a A TRAIN OF THOUGHT, ETC. 109 L which wc^ As there here is no tiey regard ; while on well, they 3 under no lent seems inch struck aris, where ! Ufe of the he had any ) was what ■vant. He spt an hotel ^er heard a naster ! It . Can this )Oor human snce in the afraid to ,nder, if wo le, without tions. Wo ntitled; we all we can other em- leir former re aid them ^e, then, to ■ouble upon mness and 3wn hands, ictent if we eral to bo 5sible, have 11 probably and, at all d when a Hcrvant cither leaves our employment, or is discharged, let us give him (as far as the law will permit plain speaking) the character he deserves, whether for good or for evil. The faithful, painstaking domestic will then derive all the advantage resulting from good conduct ; and the disobedient, neghgent, or dishonest one, will be |)unished in not having an opportunity afforded him of annoying another master. Let us thus teach them the value of character, by showing them we consider it iiitlispensable ; and compel them to be circumspect, by depriving them of the means of deception. Strict dis- cipline insures obedience, while kind and considerate treatment ought to produce attachment; and a com- 1)1 nation of both cannot fail to make a good and faithful servant. ' Tickets, if you please, gentlemen,* are the last words we hear. They remind us that we have reached Water- loo station, and that our journey is now terminated. ( I i *Vi 1 \m "■ si 1 l!:.l 110 THE SEASON-TICKET. • I No. V. 1i 1 II . 'I ii ' ♦ JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. In travcllinp^ over a country, it ia desirable to paiisc a while on tlie liills, and look hack on the lowlandn throug'h which we have passcnl. We are thuH enabled to embrace in one view all that we have seen in the varions stages of our journey, and to judge of it as a whole, to compare it with other jwrtions of the globe of similar extent, beauty, and fertility, and pronounce on its comparative merits. In like manner, when we return home from foreign travel, it is desirabk) to bring our native land into contrast with other countries, and our i)eoi)le with the inhabitants of other empires. Without such contemplation, travelling is of but little value. It may amuse and occupy us, but it can make us ncjither wiser nor better men. One scene replaces another, on the princijjle of dissolving views, and the last is alone remembered of them all, not because it is more striking, or more effective, but because it is the last. Whoever has twice left home to wander among foreign nations, if he has given himself thne, on his return, for meditation, must recollect that the second tour has corrected some of his first impressions, and modified many more. The first visit satisfies his curiosity, the second matures his judgment. In subjecting England to this 'competitive examination,' I find it is entitled to rank lirst among the nations of the earth. AMience arises this pre-eminence? Ask those who dwell hi it, and every man will assign a different cause. One will tell you it proceeds from its cUmate ; another from its insular, geograjihical, and poUtical position ; a third from its free histitutions, and JOHN BULL AND HIS DIQGINS. Ill Pi-otestant reli.tjjion ; and a fourth from its soil, iiiexhaus- tiblo mineral rosourcos, and extensive fisheries. This one attributes it to the race that inhabit it, and tliat to its extended colonies, and countless thousands of subjects in its distant jjossessions, while most ascribe it to tho intelligence and skill of its artizans in all mechanical arts. But the true reason is to be found in a wonderful conibination of all these causes, with others equally characteristic. I'lie English people are as remarkable as their country; they have many traits of character in common with the inhabitants of other portions of the globe, hut they have sonic that are peculiar to themselves. Among the / former, they have that presumptuous vanity which is so ^ iiilierent in bmtan nature, that it should be added to' the generic definition of man, which describes Ifim as !in animal that is 'bipes implumis, et risibilis.' They form a very high estimate of their own worth, ajid a very low one of that of others. As the Americans say of them, 'it would be a losing concern to purchase them lit their own price, and sell them for what they would l)ring in the market.' Their contempt for foreigners is returned with interest. Even the Chinese consider them (US barbarians and heathen. They claim for themselves the highest })lace in civilization, the most illustrious ancestiy, and the monopoly of all wisdom. Descended from the brother of the Smi and Moon, it is no wonder they call their comitry the 'Celestial Empire,' and carefully exclude strangers from a territory reserved for tlie Cliildren of Light. All the rest of the world dwell in 'outer darkness,' in Avhicli there is no tea to imbibe, no porcelain to hold tliis divine beverage, and no opium to ins])ire dreams of Paradise. The Httle foreigners know they are charged with having acquired stealthily when traduig at Canton, the citizens of which, according to their account, imparted to them the art of pruiting, of making pottery, of manufacturing silk, of carving ivory and stone, and the knowledge of many other things. But, above all, they say that they taught the Kiig'Usli to cultivate the soU, so as to produce the greatest - 1 ' m lii t t I i 112 TFIK SEA SON-TIC KKT. cropH from tlio HmallcHt |)OHHil)lo oxtont of pcntmid, hjkI alHo tlio mode of pn'j)iinng' ('XfjuiHitc (HhIich from ruts, dog's, catH, HiiakcH, hIu^h, locuHts, li/.ardrt, birds' nests, and innumerable otlier delicate materials. They consider them, how(!ver, as delieient in tas*e, in not j>roperly uj)pr(riating these dainties, and as buM;4lin;j;' imitator,^ of all that they attempt to copy or adopt. They laugh at their i)edip;'rees as modern assumptions, and their decora- tiouH as glittering tinsel, regarding the grillins, lions, unicorns, and dragons on their armorial bearings as plagiarisms from their anci(Mit religion. It is theref -re natural that they should look down upon the EngHsh with profound contempt. In like manner the French considiM* themselvoH as models of gallantry, as tlu^ first in refinement and taste, and as excelling in *the court, the camp, the grove.' The English they style a nation of shopkee{)ers. London they regard as a gloomy and dirty manufacturing toM'n, but Paris as the very centre of civilization, intelligence, and fashion. The Germans they den(miinate 'learned pigs;' they ridicule their pro})ensity to drink beer, tluMr devotion to tobacco, the formal and frigid etiquette of their nobles, and the slavish and stolid submission of liic lower orders. The name of Russia is associated in th( ir minds with frozen lakes and polar bears, with drui.Af^n nobles and Siberian exiles, or with serfs, bristles, cor(la<:<', tallow, black bread, and rancid oil. They shrug thcii shoulders when they talk of their army, with which they became acquainted at Moscow, and during the occupation of Paris, and have many anecdotes, which they relatj> with much spirit, of officers with splendid uniforms, but no shirts or stockings, and soldiers who repeatedly left Paris in darkness by drinking up the oil of the street lamps. They admit that they arc brave, otherwise it would have been disgraceful to be beaten by them ; but they ascribe tiioir power to brute force, directed by gi« ai science and practical skill. They excuse their own failure at Moscow, by asserting that it arose from 'ho superior intelhgence and gallantry of the French soldi r. who, while he thinks /or himself, never thinks o/" himi If ? JOHN BULL AND HIS PIUGflff, 118 \\\\(\ and lom r.vts, \h' nostrt, ritiitorii of \iiu}j;ii at I'ir clccorii- tiiiH, 1k»i»^» L'jivingP -.iM ^ thoivf •It' lie Engi»^^» niHclvofl as : and taKte, the p;v(n'(\' rs. Loudon iirinp; to^vn. intelligencv, itc 'learn* ft [beer, tboir etiquette *'f isslon of il"' atcd in tlv n ith drin.''^-^ lcs,corilnp\ Klirug tlu'it h which tiu\v ic occupiitioi; they v»lato niforms, hut peatedly h'^t )f the sired, otherwise it I )y them ; hut 3ted by gi » ^^' ,e their own 3se from '^^^\ rench soldi' -v, 'ikso/himi U' .md tlieroforc preferred death to retreat. They arc loud ill their diHpara^eiiK'ut of the Anu rk'unH, and Ray they ;ire a had edition of th(i Eiij^liHh, neitht » cooks nor ^entle- iiKUi, knowing neither iiow to eat, drhik, or live like OhristiaiiH, and iniHtakin^ rudeneHH for frankneHH, cunning for talent, HcurriloiiH ahiiae for the liherty of the prcHH, iiiid tiie ownerHhip of wlaves as compatible with free insti- tutions. Frenciiinen talk loudly of their honour, and lay their hands on tlieir hearts wliile asserting their prefer- ence of death to the loss of it, and yet observe treaties no longer tliaii it suits tiieir convenience, or their parole as prisoners wlien tliey can find an opportunity to escape. Their motives are not what tlu»y assign, and, therefore, they doubt the sincerity of all other nations. They call England ' Perfide Angleterre.' Their religion is a des- tiny ; their mission universal dominion ; tlieir freedom is ihe liberty to say and do what they arc ordered ; might makes right in tlieir eyes. They become frantic on the subject of the slave trade, which they abhor, and will never consent to traffic in human beings ; they only pur- 'ihasc their labour, and merely reserve to themselves the power to enforce the right of perpetual s(jrvitudc. In short. Franco is the finest country in the world, and ihey are superior to all other nations. Their army has never suffered a defeat, except when it was vastly out- numbered, or their generals bribed, as was the case at Waterloo. The Americans, also, have been well trained in the bragging art, both by the English and French. They are as aristocratic as the nobility of the one, and as re- publican as the Socialists of the other. They assert that all men are free and equal. This is an abstract propo- sition ; but, Uke all general rules, it has exceptions. It means all white men. Their minister refused to sit beside the ' Nigger ' Ambassador from Hay ti at the Lord Mayor's table — he did not recognise him as a brother ! He said it was an insult to a country which considered blacks as inferior beings, and held them as slaves, and referred to Buxton, Wilberforcc, and Shaftesbury, as authorities, as all three were stated to have declined I. I ' t . i IM TIIK SKASON-TirUKI' i!t In. 7imlrlinoni:»l alliaiicos for tlicir (lini>.i'lit(>rs \villi AlVicaii |)nii Tliry l>oMst tlmt llicy arc white (an exultation iices. Miry noasi iiiai iiiev aic Avmie ^^a^ cxuiiaiioii no Kur d(»s(*(Mi(hMl from a nation ^vhi^•h they insult and at't'cct to si>is('. Similarity ot" name Aviih lluMn means cou- Hanuninity : they Insist tliat Ihey are (les-el with the Mnj^iis'i nobility they can condescend to admit others to their society without the risk of d(M*o.u'alinLi,' from th(Mr own im|toi'taiu'e. 'The Mn^'lish ha\"e whipped all the world, and they have whipped the Knulish.' "dieir superiority is unquestionable. Tlu'v have \\\o lar rich(»st soil, 1h(« fast(>st hors«>s. the pr<>ttiest ^'alls, tlH> best re\'ol\'(M>, cuti'st lawyers, peotrcrfnllrM |)i"ca('hers, and smartest _i;'(Mierals. that are to be t"ound on the lace of the airtli; also clijtpers that beat all natur, st(>amers that streak it off like iled liuhtnin.u', and men that arc half hors(» and half alliii'ator, with the touch of the devil, and a cross of the airtlupiake. Is it any wonder they arc* the u'reatest nation in all creation?' If you \\\\\c any doubt as to this fact, ask their ministcM* "to the C'ourt o{ St. .)anu>s', Vicloria,'' and he >vill tell yon — ' 1 ratluM- u'uess it's a lad — stick ;i pin throuu'h it. lor it's notic(»abl(>.' flohn Uull has this vanity in an (Miiinent dcpjree. Ili^ is convinced, beyond all doubt, that he is the i;Teatesl man in the world, lie takes it for i^'ranted eveiy oiif knows it : and if it is not admitted, he attributes the denial 'either to iu'noranee or prejudiiH*. He does nol assert his sniuM'ioritv so loudlv as the Yankee ; \)\\i lie feels and looks it. He is a suporcilicms j^tMitleman, and repirds the rest of mankind with a eondese(MidiniT- and ]iatronizhig' air. .He is rich, and measnres the respect ji- bilitv of foreiijrnors by their M'e:ilth, and an this standard is in his favour, he considers tln^m as a ' bejj^^u'arly crew." He is a bhiff, ruddy-faced, resolute, good-hearted follow. Tb with yoii ill Va road also i ivjati of th (', \vli"u'li tlicv arc I iitfcrl l-> cans coii- |1(1(>(1 tVoiu »(til blood.' ml talk of ic I'ai.Lvlisli •S to lluMl' tlu'ir oww \\\v wovM. suporiorily rivers, tl^' i\ soil tlii' V('Volv(M>\ 1 sinarl(>st ilic airlli ; at streak it 1' lu>rs(» and d u cross o\ n!ion in i\ll is fact, ask ', Victoria." [U't — stick a ci^roc. lit' (»VC1T ow viluitoK lilt' c docti»- his sUiiidanl ■g-arly crew." .u-tod fcllov. and iiicliiUMl (o corpidency? Avhicii is no wonder, for lie feeds li(>arlily, and driidis slroni;- wine und lu^avv heer. Like many animals, lie is not to !)(> apprcaciied witJi safety \vlnl(> lim),;4'rv ; lie is lilxM'al in liis charities, hnt. iu; won't sul»scril>(> till afler a pnlilic dinner and some very fulsome si>eeclu»s, in which his generosity, his tender dis|tosition, his wcallii, and his henex-olence, are duly <'Xtolled. lie is a jii'actical man, and will pay for services rendered, hut he ;;-:Mnnl)l(>s at the expense of (M't'Cliiif^' inonuments to (.v)nnnemorate them. lie says, if he wishes to see a national irihule to tlie 'viory of the Brilisli arms, he wonld rathei' ,t;'o to I'^rance, where, in the ennmeralion of their vicloritjs over various aations, the lainie of Kn;.i,Iand is omitted, ile siys he is i'ordent with that, for it is an admission far out wi'i^iiin;.;" t'.iiy assertion of his, however well }j,!(»unded. lie i^; lii)spitahli\ and keeps a. iii)eral laMe ; hnl is not, ahove letiini;' you know the merits and hi miij;-ht |)reveut your fully a))preciatin.n" your ^i^-ood f«irtune in hein,!;' ask(>(l lo pailake of tliein. Ile does nor. always boast loudly ; he somi'tiincv-^ affe(!ts to sjjcak dis- j):ira,uinu-Iy of what pertains to himself — he considers it, more (Ielicat(>. His statelv mansion in tlu> t^ouidrv he calls 'his little ])lace in iMcekshirt!,' his town house ' hi > l>ic(l a Urr(\' ami so on. 'Anil tlic Devil he lau^licd, for his darling sin Is tbo prido that iii)ca humility.' Tie looks upon the Scotch, the Irish, ajid tlie colonists with an air of ^-reat suiteriority. lie is fond of tellini;- vou Doctor Johnson's tlelhiilion of oats, ' food for horses in Kuj^'land and miMi in Scotland,' and ' that tluMr b(!st road is the one that leads to En;i,'land.' lie deli<^!ds also in re|)eatinlacc to place to avoid the sirocco, the malaria, the heat or the cold, as a shepherd does his flocks in search of fresh pastures, running water, and shelter. He sees an indolent, improvident, penniless peasantry, who prefer robbing to working, and who resort to murder to prove their admiration of law, and their fitness for liberty, and who, while dreaming of the unattainable, forego what is within their reach, and show how little benefit they have derived from the fable of the dog who re- linquished the substance for the shadow. Yet this lazy, idle rascal, sings and dances, talks of freedom as of a tiling that dispenses with labour as the foundation of property, but supphes and protects riches without exact- R :i > ;i fn /■J: u - ■»».r r- »».-»«M>w. 118 THE SEASON-TICKET. c' I i urn I inp!' persDnal exertion. lie procoeds to Greece with iu- creaHed liope; for, like Byron and (;lludstone, he hnbibed, in hiH early dayn, a love for Ifellenic lore, a veneration for ancient heroes, and is s})()ony on the snbjcct of its nationality ; bnt he is soon convinced tha<; its cliinato and people have been vastly overrated. He fuids that the surface of the country, broken by hio'h hills and deep ravines, is more distingiiished for its picturesque beauty than for its ap:ricnltnre ; that the heat of the plains which ripens troj)ical fruits is overpowerinp^ and ener- vatinf^-, and that the mountains, covered only with the liardiest trees and shrubs, are niori; fitted for the resort of wolves and bears than civilised man. In his disap- pointment, Avhile discarding" all the romance of early years, he nuis to the opposite extreme, and uses strong-er iang-uage than the subject wari'ants. lie maintains that whatever the Crqeks may have been at some remote period, they are now greedy, ungrateful, treacherous, and bloodthirsty, prefeiTing- trade to agriculture, piracy to trade, and repudiation, on account of its being easier as well as safer, to even the greater sport of piracy and murder. Wherever he extends his tour he finds the climate in- feiior to his own, and returns not satisfied, but grum- blhig, because he is convinced that ' bad is the best.' He discovers, however, that there are other qualities in a climate besides its agreeablciiess, which render it suit- able for the alM)de of man. That of England, with its many faidts, is neither too hot nor too cold to mterfere w^ith continuous labour, and is, withal, so temperate as to promote the full develojiment of the human frame. Gi'een crops and corn attain their full perfection, and all the most valuable" fruits are easily matured. The verdure of England is only excelled by that of the dear * Emerald Isle,' at once so lovely and so unique. If the climate were hotter, he would be compelled to desist from work in the middle of tlie day, and the nights would be sufficiently warm to inchne liim to sleep ui the open air. If England were to drift farther south, he would re- JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 119 ([uiro liis daily siesta, and cultivate a knowledj^e of the Lcuitar to sorenado liis mistress by moonliglit. lie would be poor, proud, and lazy, disinclined to exertion or thought. Lt^s labour would procure the necessaries of life, and what he would tliink of equal irnportajice, . that httle he would try to make others perform for liiin. Indolence would gradually affect his mind, even leliection would be fatiguing, he would find it irksome to tliink for himself, and would probably request the Tope to save him .this trouble, by providing him with a religion suited to his mind, body, and habits. Ho would like a spacious and cool cathedral, dreamy music, fra- iiCrant incense, beautiful paintings, gorgeous robes, im- posing processions, things to delight the eye, the ear, uud the imaginatio!», but that require neither thought nor labour on his })art. It is more agreeable to beUeve than to argue ; it is easier to get goods on tick, than to pay for them ; and it saves a world of trouble to let others decide for us, and to accept their tenets with implicit beUef. If excitements are wanting (as they obviously would be in such a chmate) bull-fights, fetes, and above all, an auto dafe now and then, would diversify the monotony of life, lie might have a pleasanter time of it, but he would cease to be John Bull, lit? would feed on figs, oHa'cs, and grapes, and drink vapid sour vvhic ; he would eat but little meat, and cease to brew ]»eer. Abstaining from animal food during the fasts of the Church, would be no penance to him, but rather a sanitary rule. But to renounce fruits and vegetables, would indeed be an effort of great self-denial. In Uke juanner, if he were to apply the power of his steam- tugs to the removal of England, and tow her away to the north in search of a better climate (as it is probable lie will some day when he has destrt)yed its constitution l>y adopting Yankee inventions, and pirating their patent high pressure political engines) he will have an easy tune of it in winter, lie will be torpid during those long, dreary months, and find the Laplander a happy, contented fellow, sustaining life, like the bear, by the absorption of his own fat, and undergoing the i'i> .'■l' t t. i . , II H I il Tfl." '^^ 120 THE SEASON-TICKET. I i. I i ■ {)rocc8s of smoking, in order to his keeping through the icats of summer. Ah things arc, however, lie is the right man in the riglit place. To his temi)erate chmatc he owes his muscular, well-developed frame ; but if it is warm enough to enable him to })e abroad more days, and more hours hi the day, than he could be in any other country, it fortunately does not enable him to hve en- tirely in the open air like the inhabitants of Buenos Ayres. It compels him to have a dwelling, not as a mere shelter from the weather, but as. a home to con- tain his family and dependents, to regulate whom, he must dwell among them, and introduce order, har- mony, comfort, and economy, and cultivate the domestic virtues. To maintain them lie must work, and when work ceases he seeks the seclusion of his home ; he feels that it is his duty, as well as his int(M'est, to make that home hapi)y. , He constantly boasts of it, and of its exclusive rights ; he calls it Itis castle, and he defends it with as mucli jealousy as a sovereign does those fortified places which he dignifies wth that title. England is covered with these casthis, great and small, armed or unarmed, and their owners are independent each of the other, and all of the sovereign or the nobility. They severally claim for themselves that liberty which they concede to others, and in maintaining their individual rights, they unconsciously work out public liberty. From the necessity of providing means to support his family, he acquires a taste for the pursuit of gain, and becomes a merchant or a manufacturer. Nature intended that some of his children should be sailors ; his country is bounded on all sides by the ocean; he was a good rower at school, and learned the use of a boat as well as that of a gradus or a dictionary. Whenever he obtains a view of the sea he beholds innumerable ships, he reads of their distant voyages and rich cargoes, he hears those who own them called ' Merchant Princes,' and recollects the proud and characteristic reply of his own father when this flattering appellation was first applied to him, ' I hope not,' he said ; ' princes are needy and illiberal, I trust I am neither one nor the other, I JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 121 K. am nothing more or less than a plain English mcr- cliant.* lie has minerals on his estate, and acquires the art of mining to extract them ; and digs deep into the bowels of the earth for coals to smelt them ; and when they are refined, sets up manufactories to convert them into articles of use or ornament. He freights his ships with these productions, and exchanges them for raw materials that his country cannot produce ; which, by the aid of mechanical skill, he exports in a manufactured state, to be again exchanged for money or cotton, for cordage or sugar, for wine or tobacco, and amasses great wealth by these several operations. He founds colonies in tall parts of the globe, and peoples them with his artisans and labourers. His language is spoken by a great portion of the inhabitants of the earth, as America, Australia, New Zealand, the Cape of Good Hope, and the ports of the Mediterranean can testify. Is it any wonder he is proud and boasts of his race, which he firmly believes will overrun the world ? Having interests to protect everywhere, both of his own and the people whom he governs, he is apt to interfere with his neigh- bours in a way to render him hated by all. Being a strong, muscular man, and having much of the animal in his composition, he is pugnacious — makes war without cause ; and, when his passion subsides, concludes peace without advantage. He offers advice where it is not asked, and sulks or fights if it is not followed. He is full of contradictions, profuse and mean, impulsive and cold, tolerant and bigoted, independent, yet governed by party ; learned, but not wise ; good-natured, but full of fight ; fond of nobility, but democratic ; full of inven- tion, yet slow to adopt improvements; a churchman, but refuses to pay rates ; and so on. But he is, withal, a manly fellow — and where shall we find his equal? These very contradictions often balance each other, and their fusion makes the man. Such is John Bull. On our arrival from Southampton at the Waterloo station, Gary advised me to accompany him to the British Hotel, Cockspur-street, which, he said, was just ' ''I !'ii1 It, ■» r I ic«>ii THE SEASON-TICKET. :l ^ 11: like It's firHt 122 the place to suit a 8tra]i<;'er JiKe mo. ' it's iirHt rocom- inciidation,' lu; ()])S(>rvo(l, 'in, tluit it has a spacious, well-vontilated, Kmokiii;;--rooni ; not perched up in tho roof of the house*, hki; tlu; cockloft used by tlu; Long" Island Dutch for sniokinp: liains, as if it was a thin^ to bo ashamed of, but cornfoilably situated on the ^Tound- lloor, easy of access to tiiose who fnMpient tho (toffee- room, or to those who ])atronizo the iiouse. Nothing* is so inconvenient in England, as this affectation of asso- ciating smoking with vulgarity. In large country houses the ill-fated smokers are driven to the housekeeper's room, or to the conservatory ; and in towns are either turned out to ])[ice tiio street with their cigars in their mouths, or are driven to their clubs, where they have to mount to the attic, an ascent only surpassed by that of Mont l>lanc. Indeed they are lucky if they find any smoking-room at their Cicio, for it is not every one that indulges in this luxury. ' My scientific one has none ; tho bishops (and they do greatly congregate there) think smoking, injra dig. They were once curates, and were good for a clay ])ipo, a screw of tobacco, and a ])ot of half and half; but now they are good for nothing but shovel-hats, aprons, and gaiters. Artists would enjoy a whiff, but stand in awe of these Dons. It is true they don't give " orders " themselves, but they know those wdio do, Avhicli is quite as good, and they have a veiy patron- izing air ; so they look at these sable dignitaries, draw a long sigh, shake their heads, and mutter, " It's a ])ity it's no go." A few old lords, who love black- lettered folios, be(;ause they are i)rinted with antiquated types and are early edition-^, coeval with, or antecedent to, their own titles, are horrilied at the sight of a " clay," which they associate with thieves and pickpockets, and the smell of tobacco, which painfully reminds them of those hot-beds of schism and rebellion, the pot-houses. The geologictd members of the club have a ^'•primitive forination" in them; but it is either overlaid with rubbish or crops out ruggedly sometimes ; still they are " up to trap,'* and would like " a draw " if they were not JOHN BULL ANT) HIS DIGGIXS. 12S. rcconi' piicious, ) ill tbe [ic Lon^ i\m^ to ! colTee- )tliiug is of asso- y houses jkeepor's re either in their liey have .1 by that ■ tiud any one that and they infra dig. >r a cla}^ md half; ')vel-hats, hil'f, but on't give wlio do, patron- draw " It's a H^e black- ntiquatcd itecedent " clay," kets, and them of t-houses. •^primitive aid with they are were uot •les, I overawed by these lords spiritual and temporal. Defend ;ii(» from the dulness of those who j.x»int only to the future or the ])ast, and are not " up to the time of day.'* I don't want to live with my gi-andfathers or my grand- cliildren. I have no desire to hear of Gladstone's Homer, and the Siege of Troy, or Little Red Riding Hood, and the Balx^s in the Wood. Defend me from a li.'arned ehib like mine ! The members are not genial, and they must be ineurable, when sueh men as Thaek- ( ray, Sam Slick, and Diekens, who (to then- credit be it sjioken) are all smokers, can't persuade them that what I lie white and the black man, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian and the Turk, the savage^and the Spanish lady (!(», lias, at least, tbe sanction of the majority, and is ilearly adapted to all tastes and all climates. The war Avnged against this habit by old Dons, antiquated dames, and pretty girls, ought to be added to the three great social e\'il8 that afflict this country.' ' Pray what may they be,' I asked, ' for I have been out of England the last few years, and it has been a .Sv'aled book to me V ' Lawyers, doctors, and parsons,' he replied. ' I hate !i lawyer, sir; I have a natural antipathy to one as my iiiotlier had to a cat. If I perceive one in the ro(mi I ioel faint, gasp for breath, and rush to the door. Tliey are so like cats in their propensities, that I suppose I may call this dislike hereditary. I don't know if you I'vor remarked it, but their habits and instincts are very similar. They i)urr round you, and rub against you ooaxingly when they want you to overcome your pre- iiulico against their feline tribe. They play before they pounce. I was at the trial of Palmer, the poisoner. As 'Ooii as he was arraigned, I read his doom in the look of I lie jucige. lie had studied the examinations, and knew ^v^ult they foreshadowed. He was gallows polite to liim ; iie ordered a chair for him, begged him to be seated, and was veiy kind and condescending in his manner. ■• Cockburn," said I (for it was he who prosecuted), • Palmer's fate is sealed." " Yes," he replied, " that •I'i'er of the chair always precedes the sus. per. coll." ill ii! .1 m ■*> <■ 124 THE 8KAS0N-TICKKT. V I 1' h 1 i': * ITow thoy fix tyicir oyos and ^lare at thoir victim, ju8t before they finally spring' upon him! Thoy hav(» long claws, and sharp, jjovvcrfnl nippers, and no one* ever escapes from their elutc^lies. Like crats, too, tnt«ir attachment is local and not jiersonal; they an? fond of your mansion and estate, but not of you, and wIumi you leave them, they remain in j)oss(>HHion. They begin by bowing themselves into your house, and end by bowing you out of it. Their bills an; as long as tailor's measures; and when, like them, th(>y an; hung on a peg, they resemlile them luiconnnonly. They an; v(;ry moderate in tlieir charg(!s; no man can find fault with them, the items are so contemptibly small. As a gentle- man, how can you possibly object to two shillings and sixpence, for answering, or five shillings for writing a letter, or six and eightpence, for allowing you to look at him, and eight an,d f(Mirpence for laying down his pen to look at you ? He is too polite ; he will attend you at your house, and receive your signature;, to relievo you of the trouble of going to his office. Ten shillinr^s is a small charge for this, and two sliillings and sixpcue for cab hire is very reasonable. He is so attentive and so accurate, you are charmed with him. He takes instruc- tions in writing, then drafts the required instrument, then copies it in tri{)licate — one for you, another for himself, and a third for counsel ; then he engrosses it, and watches the execution of it, after which he encloses it to you, and writes to you an interesting accoinit of what has been done, and you acknowledge the receipt of it, and he informs you by return of post that your letter has reached its destination. One charge for all this very necessary work might, in the gross, appear large, but, divided into minute items, it is the essence of cheapness. " On my soul " (as Big Ben, the Jew china dealer says), " it ish a great bargain, you get it for nothing ;" and, by way of parentliesis, I may say, *' Shegog, do you believe lawyers and Jews have souls '? because / don't." ' And pray, may I ask how do you arrive at that conclusion ? ' said I. ' Because neither of them have any conscience; and I believe a man who JOHN HULL AND HIS DICJGINS. 125 r victim, [ no ono oo, tiicir I fond of luMi you bofj^in by f ))owin^ ^ tailor's \\<*; on a ar(> vtny uilt with a {2;ontle- lin<2;H and writing? a to look at 1 his pen nd you at licve you lina;i^ is a Lpo.'-jo f(^r '^c and so s instruc- strumcnt, lother for grosses it, c encloses ,cco\nit of 10 receipt that your c for all , appear c essence the Jew on get it may say, ve souls ? do you neither of man who iS, has no conscionce is not ]ioRseflHcd of a soul, for man iH an accountable being. Of the two, I like the Jew tho better, because he runs a certain risk when ho lend« money, as it is only the needy or the extravagant man that borrows; and although he charges exorbitant interesl, he does give you something for your post- obit, liut a lawyer's stock in tradt; is a (piire of paper and a bunch of (piills. His motto is that of the spider, " Onmia mea mecum porto." His office is none of tho best dusted (so many poor fellows come "down with tiie dust there "), and none of the tidiest, so his emblem, tiie spider, is (»ften seen weaving his web in the corner, an ominous sign, if his clients were well versed in natural history, and, like the clock, a quiet monitor, admonishing them that he had first to entangle a client and then devour him. The lawyer's spider is always a Cardinal. ' What is the meaning of that?' I said, 'for I never heard the term before.* ' Hampton Court Palace,* he replied, ' which was built by VVolsey, is uifested with an euormous breed of spiders, the bodies of which are nearly as large as young mice; Indeed they have spread over tho ad- joining country, for miles round, and arc called " Cardinals " after him. For my part I never con- descend to shake hands with a lawyer. Their grasp is adhesive, you can never disengage your fingers. You arc trapped, as an owl is, with bird-lime. It has come to this pass now, you can neither afford to let, or to sell, or to buy land, the expenses are so enormous. This may be a free country — people say it is — but your property is not protected. The first loss is the least, and the best. If I am cheated, I follow the example of a Yankee friend of mine. He was complaining to me, in indignant terms, of having just then been swindled out of a large sum of money by an attorney, and, when he had finished his story, I asked him what he intended to do. " Do, sir," he said, " I shall act as I always do under similar circumstances,'* and he drew himself up to his full height, and stretcliing out his right arm to its liti :■ 'J [I M U(\ Tin: Sr.ASf )N-TICKKT. ! i utmoHt oxliMit, lie padiially contmctcd liis (iiipTs on tli(> |Ui1ni of liis liaiid, and Hi|U<>('/cd tlicin ti^'litly into il, ;iK if he luul a nut to crack, " / squtfs/i />, .s/r, Jiiid never lliink of it afterwards." So if 1 atn cheated, '* I k(/U(is/i ?'/." 1 never ^o to a lawyer, for tliat is to tlirow ^'ood money after bad, wliicli donliles the loss. These fellows are not content with feedin;^- npon living- men, they 4levonr tlie dead, and pick tlieii- very hones. Like vain|tircs, they lirst snek the Mood, and then, Iils, when they open our wills, Avhich they drew themselves, and tind, that, like Man- cliester cloth, Aviien the shoddy is shaken out, the texture is so loose, it wont hold to!i"elh(M'. An attornevV; shoddy means actions, chancery suits, issiies at conunoii law, bills, interroj;'atories, commissions and retainers, vefresh(M's and ap|)eals from the decision of one tribunal to another, until it terminates in the House of Lords. Chancellors are not much better; they were lawyers once themselves, or tli(>v ouf;"ht to have been, and the\ feel for that liar of which they were splendid ornaments in their day. But tla^y were ]»oliticians also; and aUhoujj;'li they wen* seli^cted, as wo all know^, for their le<;-al attauunents, their parliamentary skill, it is more tluui Buspected, was not for^-otten. J'oj»ularity is not to be despisi'd, even on the Jk'nch, and all parties arc satistiod that the costs should be paid ovt of the estate, lietweeu Gladstone's Buccession duties, and lawyers' fees, how much of an estate g-oes to the heirs? Evei: iriscount W^illiams professes himself unable to answer that question. It is a crying social evil. 'Doctors are no better; and 1 moan that word to embrace physicians, surgx^ons, et hoc ffenus onine. They have the modesty to complain hi bitter terms tliat they are not well used, hwi do they do unto others as they would wish they should do unto them ? Locock says lie would have been made a peer, had not an enemy .loiIN ni'LL AM) ins I)K;y piil»li(i»l»in<^ to tlic wmld lli;it lio mmis lo li(« tTcalcil '" Lard /h/irrr ?/.s'." It is as liani to lo^^t? u litl(» l»y u joke, as it i lor hoiiic incii to pcrpctrati' one; ami it is not a vory plcasaiit tiiiii;^' to Ik* inudc tlic Hul)j('ct <>r tliiMM, tor jol<(>H, liivc |)cniiy staiiips, an; adlu'sivc. I don't like |)('opl«' whose interests are not only o|»|)ose(l to mine, but whose a, by the; numlx-r of tln'se noisy Christians, and they return home with thankful h(>arts, that all thinii's work to''('tli(>r for the i.'-ood of the ri,^-hteous. When called in bu* consultation, their iirst iiKjuiry is not coiu'erninji;' your symptoms, but your means, and their courHC of treatment is winely rof;'ulate;enerally left to nature, which kindly works out cures for the ills that slie bestows. Alas! w^c are not free a{2;i;nts ill this world. If we do not sunimo]i these j)oople wIumi our friends are ill, and death ensues, it is at once said ''They died for want of proper medical advice; nothin,i>' was don(! for them." If the doctor is called in, and death, like a shadow, follows his footsteps, wo are often haunted by the idea that " too much " Avaa done for them. They do their work in i^iivate, and not hi public, like lawyers, who, with all their faults, arc jolly follows compared to the doctors. The fornu>r i\ both dangerous and wicked to detain a man one momc nt' after he is of sane mind. The medical Attendant inf or :hr JOHN lULL AND HIS DIGOIXS. 120 :lie freed man tliat his disorder lias asamned a now > li;([)(', and lias depMierated into another coni})laint, for \.'liich there arc other jmiclitioners much more conipe- f'iit to |)rescril)0 than* himself; he con<^Tatnlates him on I'is marvellous recovery, and takes an affectionate leave ol him. How can men like these complain that the \ .>rld does not do them justice? IIow hard these 1 'Used (juacks are on. their unlicensed brethren ! "JMiej" I i.secute and ])rosecute them, they hold them up to i.iicule and contempt, they analyze tlieir medicines, and i>"netimes dei<^'n to pronounce them harmless — can they s;'y as much of their own ? They ascribe their cures to ii: ture, and their failures to i<^'norance. Perhaps they ;. 3 hidignant at the exposure of their own secrets; for i is thdv ])ractice to rob nature of the credit that is due t her. Their cures are their own, and their failures ii' uost invariably caused by the neglect of others, in ii it havin*!^ consulted them sooner. ' The Germans manag-ed their medical men better. T ley made them useful in their armies, by adding- the dg-nity of barber and hospital nurse to that of surgeon. .'\s English society is now constituted, they are a social "vil. ' Their clerical brethren have, of late, become equall}'' lioublesome; they have thrown almost every parish in the khigdom into confusion; they have invented nick- :aines, and aj)ply them most liberally to each other. 'Jue party calls the other Puseyite, and modestly assumes iho exclusive title of Evangelical, while they both ignore the existence of that large, sensible, pious, and orthodox body called the Broad Church, whose peace is destroyed by these two factions. The Puseyites are Romanists in disguise, and the Low Church party dissenters, while both have all the faults of extremes. If they would only let each other alone, and confine their rivalry to the amount of good they might severally do, it would be better for both of them, and for the cause of Christianity generally. If they would make "the AVorld, the Flesh, and the Devil " tlieir objects of attack, it would be far nioro ap[)ropriate and praiseworthy exercise of their K 'i I. 7 i m ^ 111 \ m m '•■''11 ■m i .1 'r,1 ! s ).iwtfi«irwiiwiiiiii»i heard used in a village church, where the wortliy vicar was strongly inveighing agahist Tractarian doc- tnnes and customs. The Puseyite loves the rubrick, and is as fond of its red letters as if he believed them stamped with the blood of the martyrs. He has, hov/- ever, a better reason, the authority of the Episcopiil Bench. ' The Militant Evangelical divine, though professing to be a Churchman, opposes the authority of his Diocesan; he wishes to be the bishop of his own parish, and to lay down the law to his own people. In short, whatever the JOHN BULL AND HIS DIGGINS. 131 itii'(* of all o live in c ill their ,n chanty. 1(! or the re neither vas cxchi- ai)|)oar to conducted tte, which the coudi- u prisoner isel. , '-'■ confess, est." The Limin^^ "do chance of infess your " There is at, leaving could un- !;ht, " Pray, lave got." ^urphce, the Lc hisists on darkness," IS opponent m epithet! the worthy tariaii doc- rubrick, aiul ieved them L3 has, hov;- c Episcopal rofessing'to s Diocesan; and to lay diatevcr the Iligh Churchman does, the other opposes. The former decorates his church, the latter considers it nnjustifiable extravagance ; it is better to give the money to the poor, and who is so ill-provided and so deserving as him- self? Stones and pirinted windows neither eat nor drink, but clergymen, their wives, and children, do both, and their ladies do not object to personal decora- tion. Women are never at a loss for reasons to justify expensive apparel. So they say, if it is expected they should go about doing good, they must be fashionably dressed; it makes their visits doubly acceptable, and their teaching far more influential, for the poor always appreciate the condescension of such very fine ladies in entering their humble dwellings. Children may pos- silily be of a different opinion. A Sunday-schoijl scholar being asked by her richly-attired teacher what she un- derstood by the pomps and vanities of this wicked world, replied, " Themes the jiomps and ivanities, ma'am, k your honnet" pointing to a profusion of ribbons and artificial flowers. It was considered very pert, and so it was, and something more, for it was* very pert'wmni. ' These parties agree in nothing but disagreeing. They are mainly led by prejudice, reminding me of an old Yorkshire planter in Jamaica, called Ingleby. lie was a member of the House of Assembly there, and as deaf as a post, but he was ahvays observed to vote right, although he could not hear a word of the debate. My uncle asked him one day how this happened to be the case. " Why," said he, " I keeps my eye on that Scotch Radical Hume, and whichever way he goes I crosses over to the other side and votes against him, and nine times out of ten I find I have done right." These parties are in the same situation, and arc equally open to argument and conviction : they do not hear, they reason no more than Ingleby did, but they make up their minds, under all circumstances, to be always opposed to each other. For my part, I wish they Avoiild both quit the Church — the one for Rome, and the other for Dissent — which, severally, are more congenial to them than the Establishment. Wo should then be able K 2 > < 11 tmmmmttm 132 T}IK ^^KASOK-TICKET. to live in Hccnrity if not in pcavc, '.vliicli wo cannot do wliih; tlicro are concoaleil traitors within, and hostile hosts without our lines. Yes, sir, I consider these thr(>e classes, lawyers, doctors, and militant parsons constitute what is called the " ,'ocial Evil " of England.' ' Why, Cary, my good fellow,' I said, 'you are not only unjust hut cruel to-day ; one would think you had some personal i)ique against these " three black graces," as Horace Smith used to call them. Such severe and prejudiced critics as you are, ought to he added to the trio that yon denominati; the "Social Evil." You re- mind me of the chief of the Mohawk Indians, who btvforc retreating from the battle-tield at Ticonderaga, stoo))ed for a moment to scalp a wounded French officer. Having knelt down by his sid(^, he drew his knife, and seizing him by the hair of his head, he was about to cut the skin on the. forehead, to eruible him to tear off the scalp, when the whole of it came away in his hand, and left a cold, bloodless i)ate exposed to view. It was a wi(j, a thing the savage had never seen or heard of before. He was terrified at what he considered the supernatiu-al power of the Frenchman, who could thus cast his haii* as a cockroach does his shell, and springing to his feet, and waving the wig by its queue, he tied in dismay, excltdnnng, "Sartain, Frenchman — all same — one devil." It was this incident which caused the chief to bo known ever after as the "Bald Eagle." Y^ou are like him, you would use a scalping-knife; what is the matter with you to-day, V ' Well,' he replied, 'perhai)slike the Indian, I have not hurt a hair of their heads — the truth is, I am cross, I am always out of temper on a hot day in England.' ' Why in England more than anywhere else ?' * Because the heat is more insufferable here, and so is the cold, on account of the dampness that accompanies it. When the glass stands at 92 here in the shade, it is equal to 120 at Demerara or Jamaica.' ' Well, keep yourself cool and good-natured, and I will make \ou a beverage fit for an emperor, not strong enough to in- flame, or weak enough to be dangerous, from causing a suddeu chill.' Having compounded this to my own JOIIX BULL AND HIS DKJGIXS. 133 satisfaction, I haiiflod liiiu tho tankard with tliat air of ti-iuint)h which a man always feels, who knows he has a receipt that pleases and puzzles every one. ' Tlujre,' I said, ' take a })nll at that, and then make a face as if you (lid not like it.' 'Butlr^), most decidedly,' he replied, as he replaced the anti(iue silver vessel on the table — ' it's superb, its majj,-ni(icent, perfect nectar; I could drink Milf(n-d Haven dry if it was filled with that ! what do you call it ?' ' It has never been christened yet, but as it is the first I have brewed on tlie Southampton line, I shall ,L;-ive it, in honour of you, and the approbation you have expressed of it, the name of THE SEASOX-TICKET. One bottle of sound cider, One pint and half of lemonade, Two glasses of sherry, One teaspoonful of orange flower water. Two sprigs (or three) of mint, Two lumps of sugar, Half a pound of Wenham ice. ."1* ■'■h ih\l 1 causms'a There, you have the name and the receipt, and let mo tell you it is the best I know of among the thousand and one that are so much vaunted. It has the great recommendation of being very cheap and very simple, and the ingredients are everywhere within reach. Like everythmg else it has a secret, and that is, the orange flower water. It is that which imparts to it its delicate muscat flavour. Champagne, claret, and moselle cup are snobbish ; the way they are generally compounded is such as to spoil good and costly wines that are unfit for dilution. The name sounds rich, but the beverage is poor. This " Season-Ticket " elevates the character of tho materials, and makes a compound sui)erior to all others. Try it again, for ice melts quickly this weather, and your liquor should be either hot or cold. Anythirig like warm is only fit to be taken with ipecac' ' Yes,' he gasped, as he handed me back the almost empty flagon, ' the " Season-Ticket" is 'f.i' ^!'!^ ii> i;'. 134 THE SEASON-TICKET. beyond all praise. I am at peace now with all the world.' ' If that is the case,' T said, ' recall your censures on the in'ofessors of Law, Physic, and Divinity.' ' I can't do that,' he re})lied ; ' I neitlier cant nor recant. I have the same repugnance my bailiff evinced, when sued for defamation, to subscribe to an apology for publishing what was not true about one of my tenants. " No, sir," he said, " I will never sign a he-bill ; I'd rather die first." I won't retract ; but if you think the shadows are too strong and dark, I liavo no objection to add the lights ; perlui[)s the portrait may then be more easily recognised, and more true to nature. Well, bring me my easel, and give me my pallet and brush, and let us r(!touch these pictures. I think we began with the lawyers. It's hard to make becoming likene (^s of these fellows, their i'eatui'es are so marked that, altliough quite perfect, their photographs look likjc caricatures. Let me see. I will soften down the lines of impudence, and make those of firmness and independence somewhat stronger ; keep down the ])rofessional look of cunning', and bring out the traits of liumour, wit, and knowledge of the world, for which they are distinguished. I could perluips improve the specimens by a judicious selection of sitters. I would choose Chelmsford and Lyndhurst in preference to Bethell and Campbell.' 'Why not Campbell?' I asked. 'Real his face and his Lives, and you will find the answer in both. He is amongst the first-fniits of the Whigs, and men don't gather grapes from thorns. That party cannot boast of feats; tliey don't aim so high; they are content with counter/('/^.s.' ' Try the cup again,' I said ; ' it has not made you genial yet. I liope you can say something better for the clergy.' 'AVell,' he repHed, drawing a h)ng breath, after having drained the fiagon, ' Shegog, if all trades fail, open a " Season-Ticket Shop " in London, and you will make your fortune. It's capital lush that ; make another brew, and I will see what I can do for the clergy. Well, first of all, I'd paint out the M.B. waistcoat of the Puseyites, and put in a nice I all the isures on ' I can't I have sued for ubhshhip^ No, sir," itlier die Hliadows ) add the w) easily bring- ine lid let lis with the ■; of these lyh quite Let me nee, and omewhat cunning, lowledge shed. I judicious ord and ampbell.' ace and He is len don't boast of nt with has not mething awing a Shegog, lop " in s capital what I aint out in a nice JOIIX nULL AND HIS DKiGlN'S. 135 wliite-bosomed shirt ; and then I'd cut off lialf a yard of liis coat, and reduce it to tlie peace establishment ; lor now it is a hybrid between a liomisli priest's vest- ment and the coat of an Irish car-driver ; and I'd fill liim out as if he was a well-fed Christian, instead of hciiig half starved on a miserable pittance, disgraceful 1() his Hock, and unworthy of him. I will say this for them — tliey are a self-denying sect. What a pity it is such g^ood, such zealous, and unselfish men should be a ,«cc/, ain't it ? Well then, as for the low church clergy, who have "a proud look, and a high stomach," and ;il)p(>ar as if they hved on the fat of the land and the donations of their admiring female devotees, I would alter their Primitive Methodistical white-chokers, and add a neat tie to them ; I would give them a shirt collar, take away their shovel hats (to which they have iHj right) ; substitute a morning coat for the ever- lusting dress one they wear, and expunge that look of c'oniplacc^ncy they carry about with them, as if they felt (as the Yankees say) " good all over," and condescended to receive the universal homage of all who beheld and admired them. Oh, I am wilHng to correct my sketches. 1 well know there are good, talented and self-denying men in all divisions of our church.' ' Yes,' I said ' but your corrections are hke those of our old Harrow school- master, well meant, no doubt, but thejj touch the feelings rather jxfinfulli/.' 'As for the doctors, they ought to be able to take care of themselves.' ' Never mind them at present, the weather is too hot ; in your cooler moments I am sure you wiU do them justice. Their gratuitous services to the poor, their unpaid, or inadequately remunerated attendance at hospitals, infirmaries and disjK'usaries, are above all praise. I don't like to hear a wliole profession judged and condemned by the conduct of a few individuals. Beheve me you are unjust, and it is easy for you who are not a member of either of those learned bodies, but a man of fortune, to find fault with them. Ilecollect they might return the compliment, by representing you as belonging to that class which has been defined to be " Fruges consumere nati." You 1 i i IH: f f'A- hi. M if \>::^ nf\ fr^ m- 13G THE SEASOX-TIClvKT. I ii ! IR have diargod the clergy M'itli being defieieiit in eliarity ; let iiH nut expose ourselves to ii similar remark.' 'I'll tell you a story,' he said, with an arch look, ' the appli- cation of \vhi(;h will furnish an answer to your lecture. Three or four years ago, I mad(> a ]»assag(! from the Cape to Liverpool, and landed at tlu^ latter place about seven o'clock on Sunday morning. When 1 reached tlie Waterloo Hotel, and had breakfasted, it occurred to me that, as I was ui the same town with the celebrated Dr. IM'Neile, 1 would avail myself of the opportunity of atteuding his chajjcl, in the ho{)e that I migiit ho fortu- uate enough to hear him })reach. I lis jiarish was some distance from the hotel, and when I arrived at the church, I found not only the pcw^s occui)ied but the aisles tilled with well-dressed people, who were standing there with the same object I had in view. As I had been on deck all night I 'felt too tired to remain on an uncer- tainty ; so, addressing myself to the v(»rger, I asked if Dr. M'Neile was one of the two white-haired clergymen who Avere in the reading-desk ])ulpit (for such was its shape*). " Yes," he replied, " the one on the right hand is the doctor." ' " Will he preach to-day ?" * " How do I know ?" ' " It's a civil question, my friend, and deserves a civil answer." ' " Yes, it's a civil question, but a very improper one. People come here and ask me whether Dr. ISL^Neile is going to preach. They ought to come to say their prayers, sir, and to listen to the sermon, whoever preaches it. The clergyman is not " ' " Stop, my friend," I said, " I came to hear Dr. M'Neile preach, ami not 7/o?^" ' " Well, he is not going to preach." ' " Then good morning to you ;" and I left him still discoursing. — Now, Shegog, you may draw your answer from that story. I came to this room to smoke, and not to listen to a lecture.' * IIow imcommon cross you are,' I said; 'thatSea- son-Ticket is thrown away upon you.' ' No, indeed,' he JOHN BULL AND HIS DKICJINS. I'M ]v])]w(\, ' it is not, 1 assure you; I am only cross because it is all gone.' ' Try one of these cigars.' ' Tliey are excellent. I never hear of these professional men with- out remembering a scrape I got into witli an old East Indian oflicer. He had tlu'ee sons, one a clergyman, the second a surgeon, and tlie third a land-agent. "Ah, my friend," 1 said " what a fortunate man you are in your children. They have the j)rayersof tlie church, for tiiey represent, 'Mind, Body, and Estate.' " Instead of taking this as a hadiuaf/e, he became furicms. He said it was a joke that would stick to his family for ever. But lie was still more indignant when I retracted it. "You know best," I replied, "end I withdraw it. They have neither ' mind, body, nor estate,' so I hope you arc satisfied." ' Just then the smoking-room began to fill with peoi)le; and as I never talk freely in a mixed com[)any, \vg changed our conversation to indifferent subjects, and s})oke hi a lower tone. ' The " eleven " train for South- ampton,' said Car, ' will suit you best, so we shall meet at breakfast to-morrow. I shall not return for two or three days ; but I will accompany you to the station, and see you off, and the day after to-morrow shall bo there again to meet you on the arrival of the 5"50 train. Good night.' 'i '^ I, m v\ k 1 ^1 I, ;l M i ■' if r' 138 THE SEASON-TICKET. No. VI. IlLACK JOnS AND AVIIITE FAVOURS. When Gary bade mc good-nig-ht, as related in tlie last chapter, I did not leave the sniokinfj^-room immediately, but linf^'-ered awhile lonjj^er for the imr))()se of finishino:a ma,!^-nifieent Havannah that I had but just li<;'hted My last eigar at night has always been pronounced an intcr- miiiiible one ; I take my time to it ; I fondly ling-er over it ; it smoulders in its ashes ; it never burns : it is alive, and that is all ; it is genial to the last, and expires with- out an effort. The North American Indians measure distances by pipes, instead of miles as we do ; but they are savages, and smoke as they travel, which, as sailors say, is ' like throwing ashes to windward.' When I in- dulge in a 'weed,' I do so at my leisure. I take no note of time — * Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I could say good night until to-morrow.' Nothing concentrates one's ideas, or supplies charming reveries, like smoking. I was indulging hi one of these agreeable musiigs, when my attention was attracted by the conversation of two Yorkshiremen wdio sat near me, and weie sipping hot whisky toddy. One of them, lifting his glass, said, 'Mr. Dupe, I drinks to you;' * Thank you, sir, I s^es you do,' was the reply, accom- panied by a sHght inclination of the head. ' Have you been to the Secretary of estate yet?' said the first speaker, 'and secured that office you were after?' 'Yes,' replied the other, ' I have been there, but it's no go ; the IJLACK JOBS AM) WllITK FAVOl KS. 139 the last nliatcly, iKliinp;' a ;d,. My .n intcr- i^cr over is alive, ea with- iiieasure )ut they s sailors en I ill- no note arming ^f these cted by ear me, them, you;' accom- ive you le first 'Yes,' ^o; the t'lcetions arc oxer now, and there is no g'ettin<;' at these gentry wlien tliey are in London. If you ask a favour of one of them l)eforehand, he is all smiles and bows, and })attin;4' you good-naturedly on your shoulder, he says, "llnsh, my dear fellow. If 1 was to tell you what I am going to do, they might say I bribed you witli a j)romise of an ofliee; jnstwait till the poll eloses, and then remind me of it — you nnderstand what I mean; you know where to find me always" (and he giv(!S me a comical look). " Doing a favour after the poll closes, is not i»romising it before y(m vole; a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse. When you get the office, you cannot say it was a quid pro quo, eh? Devilish stringent, act that election law ; it is a mere trap for the un- wary." ' ' Well, after the election is over, you begin to open your eyes, as pui)pies do after nine days. The after- piece conies then, and u grand farce it is. Dodge first is the fortiiicaticm dodge. You can't get at the great man ; he is surrounded by entrenchment within cn- trenchiiK'^nt, like the circles caused by a stone thrown into the water. There are pickets, and supporting sen- tries, and guards supporthig pickets, and an encampment ill the centre, which again is a beautifully arranged lubyiinth. You cannot find the clue out yourself, and wlien you think you know your way, some one arrests your progress, or sets you wrong. "Is Lord Tardy within ?" " Don't know, sir ; your name, if you jAease ; sit down here, sir, and I will see." Well, you wait, and wait, vuitil your patience is quite exhausted. You count the drawers in the bureaux, read their numbers, and take a mental siuvey of the chairs and tables, and what- ever else is in the room, and when that is done, look at your watch, and begin tlic catahjgue again. By way of a change, you look out of the window, and you observe an area wall, several crooked brick chimney heads, with iron swivel hoods to cure smoking flues, roofs of various colours, and slopes of every possible angle, sashes of different sizes, with glass that even the rain has failed to reach, or cleanse, since it was first inserted there, I ,,/ > '^ ^y m ^ ''1 '.>] i!f. ' /;r • ■ ^ 't ' 140 TMK HK A SOX-TICKET. I > and tlitil hpfK'.'ir dcsi^-iicd rallicr to let out (l.irknoss tliiin to iidinit li^'ht. You tlicii willidraw from tlic coii- t<^rn|»latioii of tliis H(!|)iil('lii"al lookin;:; receptacle of "tlic dead Itiiriecl alive," with a cliill that makes your very llesh (!'('( |). At last your ^'aoler returns, looks in at the «loor, starts at seeing' you then; (for h(^ has wholly forgotten you) and says, '' his lordship has not come down yet, sir; and it is now so late, it iw not probable be will be hen; until to-morrow." You call the followinp; day; u!ider/j;'o solitary c(»Mlinement for an liour or two aj^'ain, and are informed '' there is a cabinet council in tin; afternoon." You try your luck a third time; are cag-ed as bet"ore; make tlie same enumeration of the scanty furniture, nnd with an involuntary shudder look out upon the " darkness visible " of the dismal area. The only livin*^'- thing* discernible is a cat, who with stealthy Kte[)s is me great bulk, and looking grave, lliough very gracions, says, " My dear sir, can 1 do anything for you i" You (»p{Mi yonr recpiest, when Dodge Xo. 2 appears. " Y(»u are too late, my good fellow," he replies with a inonrnfnl air; " why in the world didn't yon apply in time? it is given away ; but cheer up, better luck next time." 'Dodge No. 3, is (juito as true, and equally ingenious. The oflic(; you ask for is not in your borough, the pa- tronage belongs to the county nieinbers — "lam afraid it is disposed of, but I will in([nire, and let you know." If this answer is not quite applicable, ho resorts to Dodge No. 4, and says, "The oflic^e is in the gift of the Board of Trade; I spoke to Wilson about it, but he jissured me it was an interference on my part not usual among the heads of different departments, and got '^w mad as a /latter;*" and this is the way a poor fellow is [)ut off. Election promises, my good friend, arc like })ic- crusts, short, flaky, and brittle ; they won't liold together till they reach your mouth — I have done with paying* court to people in office — no man shall ever have it in his l)ower to fool me in that way again.' ' Don't be discouraged. Dupe,' said his friend, ' there is a mode of improving" peojjle's hearing", and their memory too, that you are not aware of. I'll tell you to-morrow how to put your case before him in a way he must attend to if he wishes to retain his seat. You don't know how to talk to a man situated as he is. Be guided by me, and you are sure of your office, — ^you must not take No for an answer. It is your business to ask, and it is his interest to grant your request. You remind me of my little boy I^ob. lie begged hard the other day when some friends were dining with us, to be allowed to come hi, and sit at the table during dessert, which I told him he might do, provided he neither talked nor annoyed people by asking for fruit. He very readily assented to this condition, which he honestly fulfilled to the letter; at last I heard the poor little fellow crying and sobbing most pitifully — " What is the matter, Bob," I said, " what are you crying about V .1 n t Ji , m i- ! m ,'.' H /». ft l l^'- 112 THE SEASON-TICKET. hi \\ 1 " Why, Pa," he replied, " here I am, askinj for nothimj, and (jetting nothing" 'Now, you are like that child, if you don't ask, you won't ^et anything; and not only so, you must ask till you obtain wliat you want. Why, my good fellow, the whole system of representative government is founded on a principle of mutual assurance. The elector bribes the candidate with a vote, and expects to be paid by the gift of some office ; and the candidate bribes the g-overnment by his sui>})ort, for an appointment or a title for himself. The only interest worth having in this country is parliamentary influence. Votes an; market- able i)roperty, the highest bidder is sure to win. Every man has his price, but it requires tact to discover what that is, and still more how to offer it. Money is a gross vulgar thing, and, of course, never enters into the cal- culation of any but the lowest of mankind. Office is an honourable thing; it may be tendered freely, and accepted without hesitation. India would have satisfied Bright ; he is as well fitted for it as any man that never saw it, and he would have got it too, but they have an awkward trick of fighting there, and the public would not be satisfied with a Quaker. Others, who are less ambitious, are content with the honour of dining with the Premier ; but who can resist the offer of an invitation for their wives and daughters to the Queen's Ball? Tlie higher the man, the greater the bribe ; for the thing is regu- lated by a graduated scale. The office of tide-waiter will suit the son of a tradesman, a canonry is the measure of a popular partisan preacher, and a bishopric may be the reward of a pamphleteering dean ; an In- dian judgeship pacifies a troublesome lawyer, and a governorship a needy but influential peer. To caU these things corrupt practices is a perversion of terms ; they are simply the reward of merit. The giver and the receiver are too high-minded and honourable to view them in any other light. You must read the political like the social world, by the light of expericnicc. As my father used to say of women, you must study their natui'e. When he lived at Sheffield, and his establish- ' nothinf/, [isk, you t ask till ilow, the founded )!• bribes paid by 'ibes the cut or a g in this market - . Every ^^er what s a gross I the cal- Ifice is an oly, and ! satisfied lat never have an vould not iibitious, remier ; for their le higher is regu- e-waiter y is the bishopric an In- and a all these Ins; they and the to view poUtical ice. As |idy their stabhsh- T> r BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOUKS. 143 ment was small, he never rang the bell for the maid, but when he wanted her always went out into the street to call her, for he said women were sure to be found looking out of the window. In like manner, he always hired the prettiest girls he could find ; they waited for the men to run after them, but the ugly ones always wasted their time in running after the men ; one stayed at home, and the other didn't. Now, you must study this Cabinet Minister, and show him how important you are to his retaining his own office ; and the way to do that, is to represent yourself as more influential, if possible, than you now are.' ' Yes, yes,' said Dupe, despondingly, ' I may be useful or influential if you hke, but these fellows have no gratitude in them, they never think of you after you have served their turn. They are like the great plain we saw when travelling in Russia, that swallows up a whole river, and contiimes as thirsty as ever — drink, drink, drink, unceasingly.' ' I beheve you, my boy,' said his philosophic friend, ' and never drew breath the while. How I envy that plain, this hot weather, how I should like to swallow that river — ^just open my mouth and gulp down every drop of it. How charming ! oh, wouldn't I say (no, I couldn't say it, because I should have to keep my tongue within my teeth, but I'd think it) — " Flow on thou shining river. But ere thou reach the sea. Seek Ella's lips, and give her The draughts thou givest me." Oh, dear, what fun ! I never knew before the difference between a river's mouth, and the mouth of a river. If Ovid had seen that phenomenon of nature wouldn't he have turned it to account in his Metamorphoses ! What a punishment for a drunkard, to transform him into a bottomless pitcher, and what a reward to confer upon an active, influential, obliging voter,' and then he laid back in his chair, and laughed until his throat emitted a gurghng sound, resembling running water. When he V'i< 144 THE SEASON-TICKET. IF i !l I recovered, he suited the action to the word, lifted liis glass of toddy to his lips, saying as before, but with un- accountable gravity, ' Dupe, my boy, I drinks to you,' to which the other as gravely responded, ' Sir, I sees you do.* ' No, my good fellow,' his friend continued, ' it is not that they are so forgetful, but that you expect too much. Talk of gratitude ; why, what is your idea of that word? why, if you "nannylize" it, as old Ark- wright used to say, you'll find it's " a lively expectation of benefits to come." It's far-seeing, and not near- sighted, or as that same old millionaire, when he began to study grammar at sixty years of age, used to say to his debtors to show off his learning to advantage, " I gives no credit, I goes on the imperative mood, and likes the present tense — you must pay down on the nail." Gratitude in a -member of Parhament ! gratitude in a political leader ! who ever heard of it except as a figur(> of speech! It's a law of nature, sir; why Jenrniy Dawkins says that even the dead are ungrateful. ' As I was coming down Cockspur-street this morning from Pall Mall, somebody touched me on the shoulder, and as I turned I beheld my father's old coachman, Jemmy Dawkins. ' " llow do you do. Master Jack?" said he; "yon look hearty — it's a long time since I had the i^lcasure of seeing you — have you got a missus yet?" "No," I said, " there's time enough for that ; some of these days, l)erhaps, I may think of it, but at present I prefer to be single." ' " Well," said Jemmy, " perhaps you arc right, Master Jack; it don't do to put bosses or men into harness too soon, it's apt to break their spirit like. If I might be so bold as to offer my advice (no offence, sir, I hope) — as the old gentleman, your father, left you a handsome fortune — if I was you, I would go in for beauty, and not money, for as far as my experience runs (though to be sure it's more in the dead line than the ivhite jobs), I should say it's better to have the wife under the whip hand than on the lead, and to have her BLACK JOBS AND -WHITE FAVOURS. 145 lifted his with un- to you,' iir, I sees ' it is not <;pcct too n* idea of old Ark- vpectatioii not near- he began [ to say to ntage, "I [, and Ukes the nail." itude in a as a figur(> ly Jenimy ^ful. is morning ! shoulder, coachman, he; "yon pleasure of " No," I these days, prefer to be are right, men into blike. If I offence, sir, left you a go in for experience id line than ve the wife to have her \\q\\ under command, than for her to take the bit into lier mouth and play the devil. Shape, make, and breed is the great thing, both for bosses and wives, for ' An ugly woman is like a crooked pin, You can't get her out if she once gets in.* Bnt come with mo, sir, if you please, I liavc got some beauties to show you." ' " What, women ? " I said. ' " No, sir. Lor' bless you, women couldn't hold a candle t(^ them. I have eighty-four of 'em." '"Eighty-four what?" ' " Black jobs, sir — black as ink, and not a white hair on any of 'em." ' I accordingly turned and went with him to his stables, and, sure enough, lIh e were between eighty and ninety coal-black horses, ' id entirely to the melancholy purpose of conveyii ,j .ae dead to their final resting- place. I assure you 1 felt a sort of shudder come over ine when I first beheld these heralds of the grave, and listened to the jaunty conversation of theu driver. ' " Beautiful animals these, ain't they, sir? I own I feel proud when I mount the box, and take the ribbons. ill my hand. They are the admiration of the whole town, sir ; all eyes is on 'em, and people gather in crowds to see them walk off so stately. They have a mission,, and they seem to understand its importance. It must bo a great consolation to the survivors to know their friends have so handsome a turn-out as mine to take tlieir last drive in. They are very substantial cattle for sucli light work. I have often thought it was a very odd custom to select such big ones ; for what does one insider signify to the like of them? Why, sir, it's mere child's play to them, and nothing more. It ain't bulk that's the cause, for hi a general way people falls away in flesh at the last." ' " Perhaps," said I, "it is because of the dead ireighV^ ' Jemmy paused a moment as if he were gradually comprehending the explanation of a mystery that had puzzled him so long and so often. L |i -'Aft '^ '.1 146 THE SEASON-TICKET. I) ' * " It's very odd, Master Jack," lie said, " you should have found that out so quick ; but I see it must be so, though I never thought of it before. But it don't much matter; we are paid by the job, and not by bulk or weight, for you see there is no luggage nor incumbrance of any kind. I never charged for overweight, sir, but once since I was in the trade, and that Avas this morning. I got the biggest, fattest, and most uncommon heaviest woman out of Tliomas' Hotel I ever see — she weighed twenty-four stone. They grumbled a good deal about paying extra, saying what was a stone or two, more or less, to four powerful bosses like mine ? ' Very true,' says I, ' and what's a trunk or two extra to a steam engine on the Great Westorn Railway ? nothing more nor a feather,' says I ; ' still they wips 'em up into the scales and weighs 'em to an ounce ; and if you go for to say a word, they cram the Directors down your throat, body and breeches, and says it's their orders. Every indulgence they gives is their own, and they takes tip for it ; they don't demand it, but they expect it ; every snub you get comes direct from the Chairman. Now,' says I, ' I am Board and Director both in one. I lays down the law, and sees it carried into execution. So fork out, it's the rule of the institution.' ' " I have had some werry distinguished passengers amongst the nobility and gentry in my time, and it was me that had the honour of driving the great Duke to St. Paul's, though I must say that State affair they called the funeral car was so uncommon heavy, it was as much as my bosses could do to move it. But, sir, would you believe it, thougli I drive so safely and so care- fully, and never met with an accident in all my life, not one of my passengers ever turned and said as much as I thank you. Jemmy ? " ' And he gave utterance to a long, protracted chuckle of self-satisfaction as if he was delighted with his joke, wliich I have no doubt he had repeated a thousand times. When he recovered his wind, he said, with ar knowing look : ' " Noiv, tliafs ivhat I calls ingratitude, sir." ' '■ou should ust be 80, ion't much y bulk or 3umbrance it, sh', but 5 morning, n heaviest le weighed ical about o, more or ^ery true,' o a steam ;hing more p into the you go for our throat, rs. Every y takes tip b it ; every m. Now,' le. I lays ;ution. So passengers and it was it Duke to affair they ivy, it was But, sir, lid so care- (ly life, not much as ed chuckle h his joke, and times. » knowing BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 147 ' So you see. Dupe, my good fellow, gi-atitude is not to be expected from the living or the dead. The one utters profuse and unmeaning acknowledgments, and the other maintains a dignified silence.' ' You are right,' says Dupe, ' quite right. I will put myself in jomy hands, and follow your advice implicitly. I shall bother him? as a certain widow did an unjust judge, till he gives me what I ask, to get rid of me. So let us change the subject.' ' What an odd fellow your friend Jemmy Dawkins must be. I wish you would show me his estabhshment to-moiTow.' 'With great pleasure,' replied his friend, ' and I can assm*e you that both he and his stables are well worth seeing, for Jemmy is quite a character. Wlien Jemmy,' he continued, ' had finished the conver- sation I have just repeated, I observed that the burial of the dead was too serious a subject to talk upon with sucli levity.' '"Well, said he, "I used to think so too, master ^ but Lor' bless you, sir, when I come to see into matters, and to understand all I heerd and see'd, I come to the conclusion, sir (though it ain't for me to say so), that there is an awful sight of hypocrisy in all these outside shows and trappings of mourning. Half the time all this parade is made, not out of regard for the dead, but out of respect to public opinion, and from personal pride. Whenever this is the case there is no money so much grudged as what is paid to me. They say it is so much thrown away, because custom lays the tax, and that it would be better to give the amount to the poor, though it's precious little the poor would ever see of it, if funeral expenses was done away with to-morrow. Housiimd- cver, a good deal of the mourning you see comes from the heart, for a great many have to feel the loss of a home and an income, and that they do grieve for, though tlie dead get the credit of it; and some cover bright eyes with crape, and conceal the beating of a joyful lioart with broad cloth, for they are to get both the home and the fortune. The real mourners, sir, are the poor. They are all in all to each other ; the outer world L 2 \ Mi_ ■ r IrM tell I 118 THE SEASON-TICKET. ' St t 'f is chilly, and drivoK tlioin into a narrow circle, where they cheer, and comfort, and defend each other. They have a common lot, and a joint-stock of affection. Where there are ho few to love each other, a break in that little ch'cle is a loss that ain't r(>pain>d easy ; all they have to leave their sm'vivors is their blessinj^ — "their inheritance is not here," as Mr. Spnrgeon says. They have nothing for affection to spread itself out on — it is concentrated in themselves, and is hnmaif love and animal instinct combined. I have witnessed such outpourings of grief among these peo])le as would astonish you. Gentlefolks have so many friends, rela- tions, acquaintances, indulgences, amusements, and what not of interest, that their grief is neither so strong nor so lasting. It is like dew that falls at night — it wanishes in the morning. ' " Dear me ! 1 shall never forget the way Parson Giles' son, Frank, frightened the people some years agone on the road from Uxbridge to London. I took his reverence down there with my best four-in-hand, and Ralph Carter drove another team of fours. After the fimcral of the old gentleman was all over, ' Jemmy,' said Master Frank, 'I can't bear to go to the house to-day ; my heart is broke ; it's a dreadful loss to me is the old governor.' * " I feels for you," said I, " but its a consolation to know ho was beloved by all the country far and wide, both rich and poor." '"Yes, indeed," said - Master 'Frank, "he was very indulgent to me ; and nobody will miss him as much as I shall. I shall never handle the ribbons again any more, I suppose ; for all he had he has left to the old lady and my sisters, and I can't afford bosses now ; but change places with me, that's a good fellow, and let mo handle the reuis once more for the last time." So I gives up my seat, and takes his, when he begins to feol tlie cattle, and put them on their mettle. It excited him so he looked like another man. " Clever bosses, them leaders," says he, " look as if they had some go in 'em." " I believe they have," said I ; " them two mares on tlie Fra m IJLACK JOnS AND AVIIITE FAVOURS. 149 e, where r. Tliey affection, break in 3asy all lessinp^ — I'oii says. itself out H Iniman vitiiessed as would lids, rela- iits, and so stron;:^ night — it y Parson nic years . 1 took -in-hand, s. After Jemmy,' he house to me is ilation to md wide, ^vas very much as j;'ain any the old low; but 1 id let me Sol IS to feel cited him 5CS, them rt in 'em." OS on the lead, Sin and Sorrow I calls 'em, arc most too hif^h strung' for this work; they require a steady hand, and careful driving." The words were scarcely out of my mouth before smack went the whip, and off started the liosses like wink! The way they tlew, with the plumes waving up and down, and the manner folks stared, was something uncommon. AVhenever we came to a crowd of people he pretended to lean back, and braced himself up, as if they were running away with him; and the moment we passed them he gave the bosses their heads ugain, cracked his whip, and started afresh, singing out, *' Go it, my beauties ! That's the ticket, Jemmy ! How the people stare, don't they? Tell them the governor lias come to, and we are going for the doctor. What fun, ain't it?" Well, it took me so by surprise, I almost forgot the ondecency of the thing in the excitement of it. T couldn't believe my eyes or my ears. At last I began to consider it might be a serious injury to me in my business, for people might think we was drunk. So I had to interfere and put a stop to this mad frolic : says T, " Master Frank, this won't do ; it will injure my hosses, and ruin me:" audi took the reins from him, and mounted agahi hito my own seat. " Ah, Jemmy," said he, with tears in his eyes, for he had relapsed again into grief, and remembered his poor father's funeral, " this is the last four-in-hand drive I shall ever have." " I wouldn't swear to that," says I, half jokhig and half ill earnest (for I felt sorry for the poor boy), "^ unless you puts on the drag, and gets out of the fast line." Two years afterwards we drove down the same road together; and it was the saddest, most sorrowfullest, and distressingest journey I ever made, for Master Frank was an inside passenger ! ' " As I used to say to him, sir, it's the pace that kills hotli liosses and men — it ain't the work. Fast animals and fast people can't keep it up long ; there must be a l)reak down in the natur of things at last. ' Jemmy,' he'd answer, ' when I have sowed my wild oats, I'll haul u]3, and be as steady as a bishop.' ' Ah, Master Frank,' says I, ' it's the old story. I have heard young V 150 TIIK SKASON-TICKKT. ' ' HI I "'. i folks oftoii and often talk of wikl oatn; ))ut if yon sow Vni year after year on tlic same soil, v/itliont a faUow or a f;reen crop, yon'll soon come to what fatlier nsed to call the nqmt innrtmnn. 1 have travelled the rojul to the jjl-rave, Master Frank, so often, I knows every inch of it. 1 knows what people die of as well as the crowner and his jnry, or dissecting* doctors and hospital surgeons do; and mind what I say, Avild oats is an exhaiisthig, killing croj) — tlu^ last sowing is the only one that ripens seed, and that seed is Death, (did the black job^^ ' " Why, Jemmy," said 1, " you are (piite a moralist. I should have thought that your very occui)ation would have so familiarized you with death, that your feelings would in tune have become blunted." " Well, sir," ho rei)lied, "to a certain extent they do; but a thing that is ever before your eyes, can't but occupy your thoughts a good deal sometimes, es})ecially when you ain't well — I feel kind of uarvous now and agin, and dream at night of the ' Black-jobs' of the day, particularly when I don't get home till late, and sup hearty on beef steaks, and stout. I had a wision last Aveek, I shan't easily forget. I dreamed I was dead, and that I was laid out ready for my last drive, and yet it seemed to me as if I knew all as was passing in the room, and heard what they was a saying. Death is a sad thing, sir, even when you arc accustomed to see it, but it is awfid io feel. It is so cold, the heart slowly gives up beating, and the blood don't sarkelate no more, but thickens little by httle, till all stands still, and congeals up solid. I'm thihking life remains there, struggling a good while after we seem dead to them that's looking on, at least so it appeared to me. Dreams, you know, are strange things, on- possible events happen, and you don't laiow at the time, that they can't be, in the natur of things, but you sec them all, as if they was real. Well! when Paton the undertaker, came to put me into the coffin, says I, ' Patie, my good friend, I am " not ready yet," don't screw me down now. Let me take my last cast, that's a good fellow, put the cofHn into the hearse, but let mo BLACK JOBS AND WHITE FAVOURS. 151 drive myRolf, lot mo see my cattle once more, take a last look at the road I have druv so often, and see the faces ap^ain, I have known so w(^ll. Dreadfv. short business this, Patio, I knew it must come in course, some day or another, but I didn't expect to be s(Uit for so sudden, without so much as bc^ng asked, "Jemmy, are you ready?" I went to bed as well as you are, and here I am, a dead man. But, Patio, the spirit han't sot out yet, and waits to see the " last job" done decently. Body, and Ghost, iuv both hero.' In course he was dreadfully frightened to lioar nie speak so to him, but he called the servants, and they dressed me, took rao down stairs, and lifted me on to the box, and the horses looked round, and trembled all over, and sweated as if they had come off a journey. Oh, Master Jack, I see it now all as plain as if it was real. There was my f)Oor Missus a standin at the door, a sobbing and a crying of her heart out, and the last words I heard her say, was, ' Poor Jemmy was always a good man to me, and he was a kind friend to the poor, that he was.' Well, off walked the horses as usual, only (would you beli(;ve it, sir?) they hung their heads as if they never would look up again in this world, and there was the crowd at the corner as usual, only they all took off their hats to me, and said, ' There goes poor Jemmy, a driving of himself, how dreadful pale he looks,' and ^here and there, the women folk came to the doors, and then screamed and ran away, they was so frightened, and I was overcome too, and couldn't speak, and felt colder and colder, and my sight grew dimmer and dimmer, till the horses stopped, and the last black job was over. The pause was awful, oh sir, I heard the coffin drag heavy as they pulled it out ef the hearse, and their hands felt hot and burning, as they took me down to put me into it, and I stmggled and fell and there I was on the floor of the bed- room, as I rolled from the bed in a fit, and the thought that it was a dream after all, and that I was still aUve, did me more good than all the doctors and their bleeding put together. It's a warning though. Master Jack, against beef steak suppers, and thinking too much of I ill my ■ ^^-3^'^ 152 THE SEASON-TIC KKT. h fl I the ^()()(l tiling's of tliirt life ; it niukos mo foci seriiMis, Bir, I JiHHuro you ; and I ol'ton ask myself the queHtion, ' Jommy, are you ready?' for tlio day must come, when that dream will all j»rovo true, only you will ha an Insider, and some one els(» will put on the weeds, mount the box in vour place, and manage t/ie blach joir ' To chanp^-o the topic, I said, " Jenmiy, you talked just now of tliO white jobs — what did you mean by them ? " " Weddings," sir, he replied. " White is for marriages, and black for funerals. Of tlie two our line is the best, for W(! have our own customers, and in the end get theirs too. Everybody nmst die; it's the law of nature; but nobody need marry unless they please, and many of them that do like it can't get suited to their mind. It takes two to make a bargain, and it ain't every bid that's accepted. Indeed, sir, in* this world, when peoi)lo refuse a good offer, it's an even chance if they ever get another. That's the case in regard to bosses too — if you refuse a good price, it's a wonder to mo if you don't regret it. Either some- thing ha[)pens to tlio animal, or ho remains on hand for a long time, and then you have to sell him at a loss. Well, sir, the whito jobs don't pay well. Weddings aro short affairs, and uncommon punctual. They must come off before twelve o'clock, or it's no go, and there is no tunc to be lost. Fimorals ain't tied down by law, so thougli the cor})so is ready, the company never is. People expect to bo kept waiting, and don't arrive till they think every- body else is come. Hearses and dead people are in no hurry ; one is paid for attendance, and the other has no voice in the matter. It's a long time before processions start, and wh(m they do, they travel slow. New-married folks aro off like wink, and drive as fast as poor Master Frank did ; and since raihvays have come into fashion, more nor one half of them only drive to a station, and take the train into the country. Paltry whito favours, and small fees is all ' wdiito jobs ' get. If charges are high, they are mot by high words ; but it ain't decent to dis- pute our bills, whatever people may think of them. What, fight about buryhig your father when you get his fortui, r.LACK .ions AND "NVIIITE FAVOURS. 1.5;) L'l Kcriims, ) qucHtioii, )ino, wlioii vill bo an ho woods, u the black talked just by Ihoi'ii ? " marria^'os, is the best, 1 ^ot theirs latiire; but my of them ittjikcstwo 's accepted. Lp^ood offer, That's the good price, lither some- 1 hand for a loss. Well, ;'S arc short st come olT 3 is no tune so thoug-li () pie expect I link every- e are in no ler has no processions (3W-married oor Ivlaster to fashion, tation, and avours, and s are high, ent to dis- m. AVhat, ; his fortin, or disposing of your wife when she leaves it open to you to marry again i It's impossible. It ain't to bo thought of f(n* a moment. Indeed, what is the loss of a few pounds, to th(5 loss of sucli near and dear relations? People ciin't think of monciy, wh"n they are overwhelmed with grief. Kieli and j)0()r Duist jome to us, but tlujy ncjed not go to the ' whites.' The (piality, besides, prefer their own carriages to hired ones, v/iien they marry, and the {)oor ride in hacks, or walk (piietly home frtun chureh ; but the rioli keep no hearses, and the poor, when tliey die, cannot walk, so both on 'em re([uire us. Panics, and bad times, and broken banks, don't affect the ' black jobs.' W'^lien our bills are discharged, i)eoplo may be said, Master Jack, to have paid the last debt of nature. Li other respects there ain't as much difference as you would suppose. I have seen as much crying at weddings, as at funerals. Sinne marry for rank and some for money; some to please parents, and some to please themselves; and the last, generally displease everybody else. To my mind, Aveddhigs ain't the jolliest things hi the world to th(! parties concerned, and they ain't always satisfactory to tiie job-masters. Nobody ever thinks of looking at their hosses, but all eyes are strained to look at the bride. Now, nobody ever sees our passenger ; it's the hosses and the hearses that makes the show, and any man that is proud of his cattle and turn-out, can't help feeling pleased Avlien lie hears his admired. On the whole 1 prefers Black Jobs to White favours ^ ' During the latter part of this conversation, several people came into the room, and talked together on various subjects — some relative to the business or news of the day, and others on general topics. One of them, an old Indian olBcer, recognised among the company a fellow- [lassengxir from Calcutta. ' Ah, Colonel ! ' he said, ' how are you? IIow have you been disposing of yourself to- day ? ' The weather, Beatson,' he replied, ' has nearly disposed of me. I never f.elt the heat so oppressive in the East as it now is in London. There the air is dry, but here it is damp, and respiration is very difficult. By way of keeping myself cool, I must needs go into u i: ■it?' m lU Tin: SEASON-TICKET. hi crowdfMl pl.'ico, to licar tlio canso of MrH. Swiiifcn, rerfiin FiOrd (ylioIinHfonl. It Ih iimny years Hiiicc I was in an Eiip^HhIi ('C)nrt, and the voiicraMc jnl)OH, the aiiti- qnat(Ml wi;^H, and tlic fonriH uiivario(l, roiniiulcd mo so vividly of fornuT days, wlicii tlioH(» paraphoniulia of justice used to iinpresH my youtliful mind with awe, that the wheel of tim(i appeared to liave stood still, while all else around was chang-inl or moulded into new shapes. If the laws are uidik(» those of the ^^edes and Persians, tlu; forms appear to be unaltered and unalterable. For a moment I seemed to forpjt that I had ever been out of the country. Among- the lawyers, thcTowas the same mix- ture of seniors a!id jiniiors as of old; and the same in- telligence, acuteness, and humour in the countenances of all. I felt as if I had sudderdy awakened from a long and fitful slee}), and as if all I had seen and heard, and done, since I Was in that place, was like the " baseless fabric of a vision." I assure you, the sensation I then experienced, was the most extraordinary I ever felt in my life. The feeling, however, was a transient one, and I looked around me with much interest in what was going on. I must say I like lawyers, especially that class de- nominated barnsters. In my opinion, they are the pleasantest people going. They are remarkably well- informed, full of anecdote, and up to the time of day. They possess in an eminent degree that sixth sense, tact; indeed, it may be called a professional attri- bute.' * What was the trial about ? ' said Beatson, ' for I have suffered so much by the delays and chicanery of law, that I never read a trial, uidess it is a divorce case. There never was a marriage yet, that there was not a conceal- ment of some important fact, by one or other of the con- tracting parties. Things that begin in fraud, are apt to end in fight. We read of love in poetry, and in novels, but do you believe there is such a thing as pure, un- alloyed love ? for I don't. If there ever was such an aqua-vitcr, it must have been poured into a filtering machine, for when you go to look at it, you find nothing but dregs.' * Why,' said the colonel, laughing, ' I suppose daugh ULACK JOBS AXD WHITE FAVOURS. 155 ifon, nrsiii was in sm 8, tlio anti- i(l('(l mc 80 ia of justice (', that the liilo all else H»H. If the ■4,tht! forms ' a moment Dut of the same mix- he same in- tcnanceaof froni a lonj^ h(>ard, and 2 " baseless Ltion I then r felt in my one, and I was going at class de- )y are the ably well- inie of day. ixth sense, ional attri- ' for I have of law, that ise. There t a conceal- of the con- , are apt to d in novels, pure, Un- as such an a filtering ind nothing ' I suppose you read divorce causes on the principle some lawyiM'S search reports; they first give the opinion tiic client wants, and then look up j)recedent8 to support it.* 'Was his lordship's name Swinfen ? ' askcid Beatson. ' A divorce ease, I suppose;' and rubbing his hands, said, 'como tell us all about it.' ' Not so fast, if you please, his name was Thesiger.* 'A breach of jnomise, then I suppose; love and fraud, the old story — liked her looks at first, then applied t'lo magnifying glass, and converted "moles "into rnoni- tains, or th(^ lortune disa[)pointed him, or he saw somo other victim lie liked better.' *No, nor breach of promise either, for he is a marrieci man.* 'Oh, I have it — it was the lovely and accomplished daughter ; — made love to her — offered the cup of fiattery full to the brim: she was fool enough to believe him, and she drained it to its dregs ; threw herself into his arms, and he ran off with her, — no, that's not the phrase, she eloped with him. It was all regular and romantic,— post-chaise and four, — devoted lovers, — got tired of her and left her to die of a broken heart, and the old lady brought a " per quod " for damages. ' I don't know what you mean by " quod." AVhen we used to send a fellow in the regiment to the black hole, we used to call it " sending him to quod." * 'If you mean false imprisonment, it was noth- ^' of the kind.' ' What do you call " quod ? " ' ' Why, a " per quod " is one of those numero'^3 fictions that law is made up of : it supposes a daugh' jr to be a servant, and gives an action to the parent for abduction, per quod, that is, by which means the aforesaid, and before-mentioned, above-named parent, mother, em- ployer, mistress, and fifty other words that mean the same thing, lost the work, labour, assistance, and services of the young lady, so metamorphosed into a servant. All this is written out into an infernal long paper, called a " brief," as a legal joke. So now you know what a " per quod " is.* 15G THE SEASON-TICKET. I 'I I i ' But wliat under the sun was it about? for you say a certain Mrs. Swinfen was concerned in it ; now, if Ik lias had anytliinf>' to do with a woman, leg'ally or ille- g'ally, equitably or iniquitably, at law or in chancery, as plaintiff or defendant, as principal or a^ent, any how or any Avay that it can be described or twisted by lawyers, and slie has turned on him, and foug-lit and scratched him — all I can say is, it sarves him right. A woman, and a lawyer, what a set-to, eh ? liow they would give lip, and make the fur fly between them, wouldn't they? Oome, tell us all about the injured lady, and her leg'al adviser.' ' Well, I will tell you,' said the Colonel, ' as briefly as T can : — Mrs. Swinfen claimed an estate worth 50,000/. under a will, and the question was, whether the testator was of "sound disposing mind and memory," as it is called, when he executed this will : if he was, then Madame would have it, if not, it would go to the heir-at- law. Well, Thesiger (afterwards Lord Chancellor), was Mrs. Swinfen's lawyer ; the cause came on to be tried, and he saw it was going against her, so he coin- promised the suit for an annuity of £1,000 a-year, and tiie ])ayment of the costs by the other side ; and a very judicious arrangement it appeared, but she refused her consent, and repudiated his act. Well, tlic trial was brouglit on again, and by one of those eliances that do sometimes occur, she gained it, and has got possession of the estate. Now she has brouglit an action against Thesiger, for the loss she has sustained, by what she •calls "' exceeding his authority " in settling the suit- do you understand I ' ''Perfectly.' ' The cause came on for trial to-day, and she lost it, and it was that trial I went to hear.' ' How did she lose it ? ' Wh}^, the gun was overcharged, burst, and damaged the man that fired it off. Her lawyer implicated the judge, Cresswell, who tried the action that was com- promised, and charged him and Thesiger with combining '>• r you say ;i now, if li( ally or illc- hancery, as any how or hy lawyers. i\ scratched rvoinan, and lid give lip, Idn't they? (I her legal IS briefly as rth 50,000/. the testator •y," as it is was, then the heir-at- icellor), was to be tried, 50 he coin- a-year, and and a very refused hor c trial was cos that do possession ion against y what she the suit- she lost it. d damaged )licated tho was corn- combining BLACK .TOBS AND "WHITE FAVOUllS. lo/ together to do her out of the estate ; talked of thimble- riggers, and used some words implying corruption, oppression, and so on. The jury at once found for Tliesiger. Now it appears to me, I could have gained tliat cause for Mrs. Swinfen.' ' Well, what would you have done ? ' 'Why, in the first place I would have omitted the judge altogether, who had as little to do with it as I had ; and instead of abusing Lord Chelmsford, I would have extolled him to the skies. I should have told the jury I was happy to say I had no charge to make aj^ainst my learned friend, who was one of the ablest lawyers at the bar, and one of the best judges that ever graced the woolsack, as well as one of the most upright and agreeable men in the profession ; but that I thought, with all due deference, he had mis- conceived, in that particular instance, the powers and authority of counsel in settling a cause, not ordy witli- nut the consent, but against the wishes of his client. That, however, was a question for the court, and they would only have to assess the damages, which would uwait and follow the decision of the bench, on the law. Such a course would have insured me a verdict beyond a doubt. Now, I should like Mrs. Swinfen to act on her own lawyer's opinion as to the liability of a counsel, and >we him for losing her cause, by mismanaging it, which in lay humble opinion he most undoubtedly did. There would be some fun in that : wouldn't there, Beatson ? ' ' Yes, indeed, there would,' he rcphed. ' But, Colonel, it's a pity you hadn't been bred to the law ; you would iiave made your fortune at it ; you have a knack of putting things briefly and plainly, which very few law- yers have.' After musing awhile thoughtfully, he I'opeated the name ' Thesiger,' Thesiger,' very slowly, luid remarked, ' That name is veiy familiar to me. J recollect when I was in the navy (for I entered that service first), there was a midsliipman in our frigate of tliat name, and a rollicking, jolly, good-hearted young- iellow he was, too : I wonder what has become of him. Ml I , m i I % [Ms' > ■ri 158 TIIK SKASON-TirivKT. for I loBt sig-lit of liim iiftor 1 went into tlio urniy, and liiivci never lieard of liiiii siiic(\' 'Lord Mess yon,' said the I'olonel, 'tlie Lord (-liancellor is llu; sanu^ man.' 'VViiat, little Tiieni^er Lord CiiaiuM'llor ! ' said the other, springing" to his feet, with great animation. ' Yon don't say so? Climbing aloft came eiisy to him, it seems ; and so now he is on the tracklelunid, and got a Chaneellor's wig on, eh? \V(>11, 1 am right glad to hear it. Dear me,' he eontinned, resnming his seat, 'it seems to me only the other day Ik; was skylarking in the cock- pit, and np to all sorts of praidcs and dc^viltry. 1 re- colleet we once took a S|)anish pri/e, loaded with cigars, snnff, and all sorts of raw and maiuifactured tobacco. Of conrse, we yonngstxM-s helped ourselves most libe- rally. The snnff was in bladders of the size of foot- balls : but as none of us used that, we amused ourselves l)y shying it abont at each other. Tiie ca])tain's clerk, who messed with us, was a sneaking sort of fellow, and used to curry favour with him, by reporting what was going on in the cockpit. So, in order to punish him, onc^ night Thesiger and I took one of these bladders, st fun of all was to see the young sucking lawyer threatening to rej)ort the clerk for trying to stitle us all like rats, by attempting to conceal the snuff in his hammock. Dear me, how 1 should like to see him again ! Oh, Colonel, those were hapi)y days we passed alloat. I always lU'iiiy, and you,' said iiaii.' said the iiiiiruation. sy to him, and ^"ot 11 ad to hear , ' it w'cms I tlio c.ock- :ry. 1 rc- ith cifi^ara, d tobacco, most hbe- 5e of foot- I ourselves ain's (;lerk, fellow, and what was unish him, » bladders, II over his ned in, as a cat), he g-, crying, vorst of it lies, npon he officer le row, ho IS ; and as went the hhn with stamp his a })rccious fun of all atening to \e rats, by x;k. Dear h, Colonel, 1 always llKACi; Jons AND WIIITK KAVOUllS. 159 rep,T(!t havin<>- h^ft the navy. I was fond of the ser,, and for years after I ([uitted the service, us<3d to sicM3>j in a cot, that the swin/^'in^- motion mi<>'ht remind me of the vollino- of the dear old ship, and rock me to sleep, while tiiinkin^ of old times and of old companions. Thesig'cr Lord Chancellor ! Eh? Well it's better than bein^ laid up as an old iiulk of an admiral at Greenwich, ain't it? or turned out to grass, like a worn-out cavalry horse, as 1 am. Come, })ass the whisky, and I'll drink his health ill some ;4'ood toddy. IVlany's the };"lass of ^vn^ we've had tof^'etlier, when we were midsliii)nien. Jkit, bless n:y soul, how hot it is here. As you say, I never felt the heat in the East, as 1 do now, and 1 never suffered so iiuich as 1 have to-day, even in the West Indies (which 1 think the hotter of the two), but once in my life, and that was at JJarbadoes. In the year 18} 1), the 4th, 5th, Dtli, and 21st Regiments went out to the West Indies. 1 was in the 21st, and we were stationed at Barbadoes. It was a Fusilier Regiment, the officers all wore two ('paulettc!S, and were literally covered with gold lace. It was a crack corps, a thousand strong, and we bad as much attention paid to us as if we were Guardsmeu. To add to our attractions, the ollicers, with one ex- eeption, were single men. It was what Lord Comber- mere, the Commander-in-Chief, wanted fo)- the purpose of disj)lay, so he kept us with him at head-quarters, at Burbadoes, and the other regiments were distributed uinoiig the islands. We arrived early in the morning, and as soon as possible, disembarked and marched to our l)arrack. The colonel, as a matter of course, innne- (liately |)roceeded to Government House, and made his report, when, to his astonishment, his h)rdship, who was a disci pUnariau of the old school, though otherwise a good sort of man, forgetting that we had but just iaiid(Hl from a long voyage, and had not even begun to unpack, jind establish ourselves in our (quarters, inf (M'rninable ^ toggery out), our adhering- ir swords h a march all, and it ict, it is a . In those II g officers ler chmatc n wo were ner in the IV that the by order, •e than all berinore, a had more inaciously n\X else in letreat was lie utterly e laughed tde on our ^ti^cka dis- I shoulders. Inorc dead jvater, and vanished lis. I had 1 exhausted I, and the lid a dead, [Iv the very above the BLACK JODS AND WHITE FAVOURS. IGl din sounded the well-known Scotch accents of poor Macpherson, who was raving like a madman, and, as far as I could judge, was hopping about on one leg. " Halloo," said I, to a brother officer who was passing my door, " what's all that row about ? " " Only Mac," he said, " making a few ' cursorif remarks ' on our grand tour to Government House ; his feet have so swelled, and the leather so contracted with the heat, he can't get his ^boots off. He has four men tugging at them, and every now and then he jumps up in a rage, and stamps and roars like a bull." " Go and cut them off," I said, " he must not commence life in this country with an inflammation, or he will soon end it with yellow jack." ' Poor Mac ! he died soon afterwards, adding another unit to the thousands of noble fellows who have fallen victims in that fatal climate to regulation clothing. He was a great favourite in the regiment, respected for his bravery, and endeared to all by his kindness of heart, and inexhaustible fund of humour. His origin was humble, being the son of a small tenant farmer on the banks of the Tay. One night, after having indulged rather too freely (for he was a most imprudent fellow), lie said to me, " Beaty, I hope I shall survive this climate, and live to return to Perthshire. / have a mission, and I shan't die happy if I don't accomplish it." " And what is that?" I said. " You recollect my poor brother, John, don't you, who fell at Waterloo?" "Perfectly; I helped to carry him to the rear myself. I suppose you want to erect a monument to him." " No, sir," ho «aid, " with his eyes glaring like those of a tiger, " but to pull one down, and to horsewhip the man that set it up, within an inch of his life." ' " Mac, Mac," I said, " pray don't excite yourself that way. If you imbibe as freely as you have lately done, find suffer your passion to get the better of yoa, depend upon it, you will never live to fulfil ' your mission,' as you call it." " Well, well," he repHed, " for poor dear John's sake, I will keep myself cool. We are poor, but that is our misfortune, and not our fault. It is nothing m m *, • ' 1 (fi ■rl 162 THE SEASON-TICKET, ^1 to be ashamod of at any rate, especially by those who have as good a pedigree as any family in Scotland. But if we are poor, we are prond, Beaty ; and no man living shall ever hold us up to the ridicule of eveiy idle southerTK^r who can beg, bon'ow, or steal a rod, to come and fish in the Tay." < " Why, who has been doing that ?" ' " Cohn Campbell, the parish schoolmaster, he is the Bcoundrel who did it." '"In what way?" t " Why, my father put up a monument to my brother, and he got GoUn Campbell to write the epitaph, whicli he did, .'ind had it cut on the stone, and there it stands to this day, the laugliing-stock of the whole countiy — * John Macpherson was a very remarkable person; He stood six feet two without his shoe, And he was slew at Waterloo.* * " AVell," I said, " the versification is certainly not very elegant, though the epitaph is by no means devoid of truth. But if you will promise me to take better care of yourself, I will write you one more worthy of the occasion, and more befitting so distinguished a member of the Macpherson clan, as your brother. You can then obhterate the present doggerel, and substitute mine for it. Now, good night, don't di'ink any more, and go to bed." ' The last words of Beatson coincided with the last puff of my cigar, and both reminded me tliat it was also time for me to retire, and make an entry in my journal, of ' Black jobs and White favours.' if r^%^*w"«»'.«, '-»-.^ "'^'^l 108G who Scotland. no man jveiy idle [, to come he is the y brother, ph, which ! it stands ;ouutry — on; tainly not ans devoid ike better worthy of guished a lier. You substitute any more, 10 last puff s also time iournal, of A GALLIMAUFRY. 1G3 Xo. VII. A GALLIXLVLTRY. Gentle reader, I know what jou will say when you see the title of this article. You will exclaim, ' Good gracious! what is a Galliinaufiy ? I never heard the word before — what does it mean V It is not probable you ever did meet with it ; but I have often heard it in the mral districts of Warwicksliire and other midland counties when I was young-er than I am now, and it still ling-ers there. It means a stew of various kinds of edibles, fish, flesh, fowl, and vegetables ; and when well made, and properly seasoned, let me tell you, it is by no means an unsavoury dish. The gipsies compound it to this day like all their hashes (of which they are ex- tremely fond), in a way to tempt any man whose appetite has not been vitiated by French cooks, who pamper and provoke a delicate or diseased stomach, but do not know how to satisfy the cravings of a hungiy man, or give him a hearty meal. They are not sub- stantial fellows Mke Englishmen, and their fare is like themselves,, all puff, froth, and souffle. The GaUimaufry at once cerapts and satisfies. Hunters of all countries have by common consent, adopted tlie same process of cooking; and a similar dish is found in Spain, as olla podrida; and among the North American Indians, as Wiampanoo. I have selected it as a word that describes this portion of my journal, which includes a variety of. topics and anecdotes, some substantial like solid meat, some savoury as sjiicy vegetable ingredients, and some fragments to swell the bulk, wliich though not valuable as materials, help to compound tlie GalHmaufry. For m2 *• i V t ■ % if ;M m 1G4 THE SEASON-TICKET. instance, my journal begins from the time I leave my bed, and it terminates at Southampton, the intermediate space being filled with a narrative of all I have heard or seen, or said or done. It is, therefore, made up of odds and ends : such as it is, I now transcribe it for you. May it jnstify its title. Travellers are generally early risers. In many coun- tries it is absolutely necessary to be up long before sun- rise, in order to finish a journey ere the heat of the day becomes insupportable. In town, and on shipboard, this habit is rendered inconvenient cither by the dusters and brooms of housemaids, or the holy stones and swabs of sailors ; but wherever practicable, it is a most healthy as well as agreeable custom. Indeed, I have heard it asserted of those who have attained to great longevity, that nine out of ten of them have been distinguished as * peep-o'-day boys.' Poor Richard has given us his ex- perience in rhyme, to impress it more easily on the memory : * Early to bed and early to rise, Makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.* I cannot say that I have always strictly complied with the first part of the advice (which, to a certain extent, is rendered necessary by the latter), because the artificial state of society in which we live, interferes most incon- veniently with its observance ; but the early morning ought to be at our own disposal, and with the exception of the two impediments I have named, (w^hich are by no means insurmountable,) it is our own fault, if we do not derive all the advantages resulting from it. Long before the doors and windows of the ' British Hotel ' were unfastened, I sought the night-porter, and was released from durance vile, into the fresh open air. I strolled over to Trafalgar-square, where I was shortly afterwards joined by Gary. It was a glorious morning ; there had been a thunderstorm during the night, accom- panied by vivid lightning and torrents of rain ; but this had passed away, and the air was cool and bracing, almost cold, while the sky was clear and unclouded, and leave my jrmediatc ve heard dc up of [be it for my coun- ;forc sun- f the day oard, this isters and swabs of lealthy as heard it longevity, ^uished as us his ex- [y on the plied with n extent, le artificial ost incon- morning exception are by no we do not 3 ' British orter, and open air. as shortly morning ; it, accom- but this bracing, uded, and A GALLIMAUFRY. 165 day was fast dawning on the drowsy town. A few carts laden with garden stuff, were wending their way to their respective markets, though Cockspur-street is not their general thoroughfare ; and here and there an early traveller was proceeding in his overloaded cab, to a station or a dock, about to rejoin his family, or per- haps to leave thom for ever. A tired pohceman paused and looked at him, more from having little else to divert his attention, than from any doubt as to the honesty of his purpose, and then he slowly resumed his weary beat, and for want of somebody to push on, tried to push a door or two m to ascertain whether it was fastened. A little farther on, he paused, and as he looked up at the sky, coughed heavily, when a coquettish cap hastily appeared at a window in the attics, and as rapidly withdrew. In a few minutes more the same head was seen bending over the area-gate, which opened, and admitted the watchman of the night. What a safe- guard a policeman is ! other people are let in clandestmely to do wrong, but he is quietly introduced to detect the evildoer. No doubt he has seen a suspicious character in that house, and anxious to do his duty, proceeded to ex- amine the kitchen, the pantry, and the cellar, where strange to say, things are oftener missed, than from any other part of a house. A detective instinctively goes straight to the spot where a robbery is likely to be com- mitted, and can tell at a glance whether there has been collusion between those within and without the building. It is necessary to try the contents of the decanters, and to taste the viands he sees, in order to ascertain the habits of the depredator, for, unUke medical men, they make their own stomachs the tests of the contents of bottles. The policeman, I noticed, must have been disappointed in his search, for he returned without a prisoner, which was evidently a relief to the maid, who, after re-adjusting her cap, let him out with much good humour at the contemplation of her safety from robbers ; but entreated him, for the security of the family, always to have an eye on that house. A trusty servant and a f; r 'U 1 1 I h \'w '*;n ^ f I. ,i it" ■ ' ! 4 I ! : i :ri IOC THE SKASON-TICKI/r. vigilant poliroman ciuihlc us lo rcpoBO in ])('aco ; tho ono rcilicH on \hv otluM", and we conrKlc in hotii. Maw! thvAV. were otiicrH who Imd not only "o house to protect, l)ut no lionie to siieilcr them. On th(» stepH ot" tiio National (Jaih^ry, and Ihe nei rich man's liousc, and fromex|)osure to all W(^alhers. The one cannot dig'(ist his food, analous rivalry, bli^'hted ])rospects of courtly honours, or an uneasy consciousiuvss of possesa- inp^ no claim beyond their mon(\y to distinction. Nature has, perha})s, d(>nied them heirs, and they hate their successors. The poor have no prospects to encourage hope, and often experience relief when they little expect it. They have nothing to leave but ])overty and rags. It is sad to think that this dreadful destitution is too often the result of vice and dissolute habits. ]f tempta- tion has been too strong and thus punished its victims, let the tempter look upon the ruin he has brought on others ; and ere it h^ too late, make all the amends he cau, to society, for the coutamination with A OALLniAUKnY. 1G7 »uc(i ; tli(i li. AIiih! () protect, )H ol' tlio ell, W(!ic ((Mulcd ill iind wlio, lit refii^'c 1(1 luxury, Diir.s — tlio S('i>iira(('R itioii, uiid ty, want, liolds the The iiiuor luxurious (lay ; the iHtul from ii's house, uotdig'ost !)tluu' liaB )ii. Both iiuriously, to lioard, houseless rich have tspects of r })osse8S- Naturc latc tlieir uicourag'C tic expect [11 id rags, on is too f tempta- ished its he has ;e all the tioii with wliich he has infecLed it, and to the wr(!tched individuals tliemsdves, whom la; has lirsl led astray, and then left to their niis(!ral)le fate. An itinerant coffee-vender interrupted these reflec- tions, hy taking up liis stand near us, and offiu'ing us a (Mi|) of his aromatic l)(!verage, and a sli(;e of bread and l)utt(M', '•all,' as he said, 'for only tvvopemu;.' 1 tasted it: it was certainly none of the best, Imt 1 have had wors(^ at three; tiiues tlu; pri(;e at a railway station, ill one? of their gorgeous refreshnuuit rooms. It waK, however, pronoun(;e(l excellent by a wretclajd group of th(! houseless IxMUgs, whos(( slumbers tluj polie(!mari had ruthl(!ssly disturbed, as he called them from dreams of food to th(! sad niality of actual starvation, and bjidc them //o (ibout their Inisincss.' Never before did so small a sum as tlu; few shillings I had in my pock(!t pro(lu(!(! so much immediate! relief. Jlovv heavily those words, '//« (ihout Hour hiisincssj^ fell upon my heart! Alas, their busiiKsss of life was well-nigh ov(!r; dc^ath had set his seal upon most of them, and m;irk(Ml tluMU for his own. Mean\vliil(! the day was advancing with luisty strides. The tid(! of fo()t-i)ass(!ngers was ra|)idly iii(;reasing and llowing eastward ; tlu; sound of many wh(>els was swelling into a continuous rumble, like distant tliundiir; and th(! city, like; a huge monster, was shaking off its slumb(3r, and preparing for its daily toils. The sun shone out brightly, and the homeless poor, 1 have mentioned, vanished from view like s|)ectres of night, and were seen no more. All was hurry-scurry, but without confusion ; each one was intent on his own affairs, and only regarded otluu-a to avoid contact. As we were about returning to tlic hotel, Cary said, 'How coolly you and your new ac(|uaintaiices took the storm in the vAiv\y part of last night. It was very violent while it lasted; it was one continued illumination of lightning, and the thunder was aAvful. Like everything else in this country, there was a truly British earnest- ness about it. England is so thickly i)eopled, I shouldn't be much surprised if we heard of some sad accidents having occurred. After 1 left the sin(jkiiig-room last I ^ V V J J ^jiV I 108 TIIK SKA80N-TICKKT. n I ; ni^lit, I encountered u lady and her maid at the first landing-, Itotli of whom were in a dreadful state of alarm, the former entreating that her crinoline might be taken off, and the latter afraid to toueh it, having known, as ttho said, a uian to Ik; killed in consequence of carrying a scythe on iiis shoulders, which attracted tlie lightning. Each flash was followed by a screaui, and one peal of thun(l(!r was so heavy that it appeared to shake the house to its very foundation. Their terror rendered them spe(!chl(!ss for a minute or two, when I heard tlie lady mutter in great agitation and agony, the words, "' So especially for both Jlouses of Parliament, umler our most religious and most gracious Queen at this time assembled ' Oh, dear ! that was very vivid! I am sure it has affected my eyes ' ordered and settled by their endeavours on the best and surest foundations.' Oh, that bolt must have struck the house — how awful this is." The maid, with e(|ual incoherency, imitating lier mistress, repeated the first words her memory supplied her with — ' " How doth the little busy bee improve each shining hour, And gather honey all the day from every opening flower." ' Poor things, it was evident what their object was, but equally so that they were unconscious of the application of the words they were uttering. " Oh, sir," said the lady, when she perceived me, "how dreadful this is! I am always so alarmed at thunder, that I lose all self- possession. Do you tlunk there is any danger?" "Not the least in the world," I answered ; " nobody was ever killed by lightning yet." "I have known many, many," she said, with the greatest- earnestness. " They died of fright," I replied, "it is fear, and not lightning that kills, — so it is in drowning — you have heard of people being restored to animation, after being submerged for three-quarters of an hour, and others who have expired in a few minutes ; the latter have hivariably died from fright, which has caused apoplexy; their faces always exhibit marks of extravasated blood." " Oh, dear," she said, " I wish I could be assured of that j but trees, you i ■ • ^ tho first of ulariii, bo taken nown, UH carrying; lightning'. (! peal of ihako tlio rcndonMl heard llu; 10 words, lit, under this tinu! id ! I am settled by ndations.' ow awful iniitatin<^ memory : hour, flower." ' was, but pphcation said tlie this is ! all self- '" "Not was over , many," y died of ling that of people irged for e expired led from s always ear," she rees, you A (lALLIMAI FIIY. 1G9 know, are not afraid, and yet they are often Htruok, split, torn to pieces, and s{!t on fire Oh, that dap m nearer still — the lightning and thunder eamo together shnultaneously that time;" and tiien clasping her hands, she resumed, " ' peac(i and happiness, truth and justice, religion and , " "(>alm yourself, madam, I beseech you," I said, " there is no danger but in fear — this is my sitting-room, i)ray bo seated, and allowjno to offer you a smelling-bottle. Don't bo alarmed; as for trees, you know, they have vegetable, and not animal life, which makes all the differciiice in tho world." "Well, I never thought of that before," she replied, "I see it all now. It is, I know, very foolish to bo so nervous, ami for the future I will think of what you aro so good as to say, and endeavour to bo calm and col- lected." In a few minutes more tlu; storm passed away, and we separated with mutual good wishes, to our re- spective rooms.' 'You didn't mean what you suggested, did you ? ' I inquired. ' Of course not ; it was all I could think of at the time to allay her fears. In my opinion it was a very justifiable piece of deception, it could not possibly do any harm, and, as you see, it did good by calming her anxiety and fright. It is what wo conven- tionally call " a ivhite //e," as we desire our servants to say " not at home," when we do not find it convenient to sec our friends.' ' Well,' I replied, ' I do not know that deception is over justifiable — truth, in my opinion, is always to be preferred. If we order our domestics to state what they know is not the fact, do wo not induce them, by our example, to take tlie same liberty with us, and for their own convenience, tell us also what is not true ? We know that tho custom is sanctioned by the usage of society, and means nothing more than we are not at homo to visitors ; but servants aro unsophisti- cated, and understand things literally. Would it not be better to copy tho French in this matter ? They say, " Madame no regoit pas," or " Madame n'est pas visi- ble;" this is at once truthful, and convoys the informa- tion that is required.' ' Do you mean to lay it down as imperative,' said Caiy, 'that you must upon aU occa- (I i^\ ni i\\ H;. I M.J 3 .■ , 1^;, 170 THE SEASON-TICKET. sioiis say exactly what you think ? If tliat is the case you had better think (duud, as old Lord Dudley used to <^(). U])ou one occasion, wlieu he saw a young- dandy approaching- him, he exclaimed, " Oh here comes that insufferable young- pup])y : I sui)j!()se I must ask him to dimier." To wliich tlie other rejoined, "If this old bore asks me to dine, I supjxjse 1 sliall have to accept the invitation." It is a well-known story, and I only allude to it as an apt illustration. What sort of a world would this be, if we all acted upon such a rule as you propose? — why we should all be at loggerheads, one with the other, in no time.' ' No,' I replied, ' I mean no such thing; we may think what we please, but we can't say what(!ver we choose ; my rule is this — " it is not always expedient to say what you think, but it is not admissible ever to say what you don't think." ' ' Well,' he observed, laughingly, in order to turn the conversa- tion, 'if I must say what I think, I am bound to state that I am of ophiion it is time breakfast was ready, so let us cross over to the hotel.' As we entered the coffee-room, he spied an old acquaintance reading near the window the Times newspaper. 'That,' he whispered, 'is General Case. Ilis family consists of himself, his mother, and two daughters ; tl'ey aie a queer lot. He is one of the best shots in Lincolnshire, and can talk of nothing but field sports ; he is called " Gun Case." His eldest daughter, who is goggle-eyed, is known as *' Stare Cas," and the other, who is as ugly as sin, and sets up for a blue, bears the sobriquet of " Book Case." His mother, who is an enormous woman, and uncom- monly cross, has been nicknamed " Case us Belli." They are neig-hbours of mine, so I must go and speak to him, though it is not very })leasant to do so before strangers, he is so very deaf; but "what can't be cured must be endured," so here goes.' Cary accordingly went up to him, shook hi. . by the hand, and inquired how Mrs. Case, his mother, was. As usual the general didn't hear him, but supposed lie was talking of an unfortunate woman who had been killed by lightning th'} previous evening. He said, with a very solemn face, ' she was I tlio case f used to ng- dandy )iiiea that t ask him f this old to accept lid I ouly of a world ulo as you loads, one I mean no it wo can't -" it is not : it is not ' 'Well,' conversa- II to state ready, so itered the ,ding' near whispered, imself, his r lot. lie :an talk of un Case." known as IS sin, and )ok Case." id uncom- us Belli." and speak so before t be cured ng'ly went luired how oral didn't ifortunatc 3 previous 'she was A GALLIMAUFRY. 171 in the streets very late last night, poor wretch, not very sober, and was drenched with rain. Just as she was making for the colonnade of tlie Opera-house for shelter, she was struck with liglitnhig, and though her clothes were all wet, tlicy were set on lire, and she was killed and dreadfully burnt. The police ought to take better care of such people.' ' Ah,' said Cary, turning to mo, ' ain't this too bad ; nobody hi this house seems to un- derstand what they are talking- about. That lady I encountered last night didn't know Avhat she was saying, and instead of })raying for herself, offered up a prayer for Parliament; and this man can't comprehend what anybody else says. Nothing is more disagreeable than to talk to a man who can't hear your conversation, and compels you to repeat it in a louder tone. It draws attention to you, and you can't help feeling that you are rendermg yourself lidiculous to the rest of the company, when shouting out at the top of your voice some common- place observation, of which one-half of general conversa- tion is composed. I recollect once a ludicrous instance of this at the table of the late Lord Northwick. He had this infirmity of deafness, so painful to oneself and so distressing to others. He recommended to the notice of a lady some sweet dish tluit was near him, when she rephed, " Thank you, my lord, I have some pudding." Not apprehending her answer, he again and agahi, at short intei'vals, urged her to taste the dish, and re- ceived th(3 same inaudible reply, when the lady's servant, a country lout, considered he ought to explain matters. He therefore approached Lord Norlhwick's chair, and putting his mouth close to his lordship's car, vociferated with all his lungs, " My lord, missus sm/s as she' II stick to the pudding J' The effect was electrical, but no one enjoyed the joke better than the deaf lord himself.' After breakfast we proceeded to the Waterloo termi- nus to await the train for Southampton. ' There are few stations in England,' said Cary, ' so inconvenient, so crowded, and so badly arranged as this of the South- western. At times, and especially on an excursion day like this, it is almost impossible to make your way through the complicated crowd of arriving and depart- 1 VJll' I I ■ ' 1 ii ! -1 rs? .a r' ti 5 t I 172 THE SEASON-TICKET. * irig passeng-ers." Here you stumble over lug-gage that obstructs the platform, there you run against some dis- tracted female who has been separated from her party. Having recovered from the fall, and the collision, your shoulder is nearly dislocated by a trunk, carelessly car- ried on the back of a porter, or your foot is crushed by the iron wheel of a handbarrow. There are no means of getting across the interminable station, you must go round it. Having effected, with great fatigue, this long pedestrian journey, you are nearly squeezed to death by an impatient and selfish crowd, that assemble round a pigeon-hole, and from whence tickets are issued. All tidal currents exhaust themselves at last, and having waited for your ti.rn, just £s you demand your " pass- port," the stagnant stream is flushed by a fresh flood of late comers, sweeping you from the port, into the estu- ary beyond, from whence you seek the eddy again, cross to the " custom-house," and, if you are lucky, get your "clearance." No doubt the directors have veiy good reasons for not opening the narrow pane through which these documents are issued, till ten minutes before the departure of each train, among which, perhaps, the best is, that it is their sovereign will and pleasure. Railways were made for the emolu- ment of chainnen, directors, and engineers, and not for the advantage of stockholders, or the convenience of travellers. One line yields little or no dividend, while it pays its chairman some two or three thousand a year; but he is a nobleman, and nothing can be done in this country without a peer. Snobs in the city are so nar- row and contrrxted in their ideas, that if left to them- selves, I have no doubt they would select a man of business to manage an extensive and complicated affair like an enormous trunk Unc, having countless branches, ramifications, and suckers (miscalled feeders). But what can you expect from people in trade, who have no ideas beyond " the main chance ? " Government acts on the same principle : the Duke of Somerset directs the Ad- * Since this was written, the Company have erected a separate station for the Eichmond and Windsor line. Mr. Gary's ridicule has had a good effect. A GALLIMAUFRY. 173 Tage that some diy- lier party. Bion, your lessly car- rushed by no means 1 must go , this long to death iblc round sued. All id having ur "pass- ^h flood of • the cstu- dy again, lucky, get have veiy e through 1 minutes ig which, reign will 10 emolu- nd not for enionce of nd, while id a year; le in this i so nar- to them- man of Ited affair branches, But what no ideas fcs on the the Ad- 1 a separate y's ridicule a miralty Board, whose business it is to build hnc-of -battle ships, and then razee them into heavy frigates, and afterwards cut them in two, lengthen them, and put in steam-engines. If the navy is very expensive, see how much is done : you build a ship — that counts one ; you razee it — that makes two; you convert it, and that counts for three ships. The John Gilphiites " of credit and renown," in the city, say you have not three ships after all, but only one, which costs as much as three ; hut what do they know about ships? It's a pity shop- keepers won't stick to their own business, which they do understand, and not meddle with affairs of state, which are above their comprehension. Well, the Colonial Office has nothing to do, and a Duke is placed at the head of it, with heaps of under secretaries, head clerks, under scribes, and an immense staff to help him. Lord John Russell has radicahzed London to that degree that its citizens slap their breeches pockets, which are full of sovereigns, and say "money is no object, as far as that goes, but don't pay people enormously for doing nothing, who, to avoid the name of idleness, strive to bring some- thing to pass, and always do it wrong. Let them play, if you hke, but don't let them play the devil." Lord Elgin, who j?M^ iip the Canadian rebels, and^w^ cloivni\\Q loyahsts, is rewarded with the command of the Post- Office, a self-acting "traction carriage," with four wheels, representing the four quarters of the globe, of which he is the very necessary and useful "fifth wheel." These cavillers say he is a mere ornamental appendage, for the working officials are so devoted to their duties, that a child of one of the responsible officers was re- cently born with the impression of a penny stamp upon its back. In short, the whole Whig Government pro- fesses liberal principles, and evinces its smcerity by filling every high office with dukes, earls, and aristocratic scions. We are a consistent people, and no mistake. Well, if the government of the country is all wrong, is it any wonder the management of our iron roads is not right? If secretaries of state don't know their business, how can you expect secretaries of railways to be wiser or better than their supcriorsj Dockyards cost twice 1- lio-ii. ■' i.il 174 THE SEASON-TICIvET. as much as thoy arc wortli, why shouldn't our ""jreat line." Tlio ])ul)lic arc taxed to siii)i)()rt government, why should not liolders of railway stock be taxcul to sup- port chairmen, directors, and eng-ineers? The far-famed confusion of iialaclava is e(|Uidle' from Liul affect M'liicU to I the talk i'osscmI as ion, been travc^llers, ;) h(M-self, ^he knew addressed you find a e younger f Europe V dear,' she you, hfe Venice, a the mast, a burning cment, my a thunder- privations, r, by the e reminis- c could go uld be the easy, and my dear, I behevc, most otl.or ally, don't weed Hall, sweeping ■ave her an asked her ed. " / tool in course I ac a power time, and A GALLI5IAUFRY. 177 at last I was so bad, I was three days in bed with the doctor. Oh ! ma'am," she continued, " it was a grand sight every way was London ; I knowed it from all accounts before I went, and yet all I heard did not come up to the truth." Poor old Sally, she was an honest, faithful creature ; but when angry or excited, she made a strange jumble of her stories. I recollect her once coming to me in great haste, curtsying down to the ground, in spite of her agitation, and exclaiming, " Oh ! dear ma'am, a most dreadful thing has happened to me, and, saving your presence, I will tell you all about it. When I came home from market this evening, I brought my head with me, as I generally do, when I find it is reasonable. Well, ma'am, my husband, you see, split my head for me." " Good gracious ! how dreadful," I said. " Yes, indeed, ma'am, it was dreadful, as you say, for he had washed it nicely afterwards, and taken my brains out, and put them altogether into a bucket, and I had just left him for a minute, to go into the next room to straighten myself, when I heard an awful smash. ' Ruth,' says I, to my daughter, ' as sure as the world, there's my head gone, brains and all.' So I rushes back to the kitchen just in time to see Mrs. Bavies's unlucky dog run off with my beautiful head ill his mouth, and all my brains on the floor. Tho moment I saw him I screamed out, ' Drop my head, you nasty brute ;' but no, off he runs with it in his mouth, and never stops till ho gets under Mrs. Davies's hay- stack, and begins to gnaw at it. So on I goes to Widow Davies, and says I, ' Mrs. Davies, your dog has made away with my beautiful head -and spilt all my brains.' ' If he saw any beauty in ^our head,' said she, tossing her ugly face up with scorn, 'it's more than ever I could; and as for brains, you never had any.' Says I, ' It's my sheep's head.' ' Oh ! the sheep's head, is it ? Well, you ought to have taken better care of it, tliat's all I have to say. But I never interfere with nobody's business, not I indeed ; as we say in the north— ' Who mells with what another does. Had best go home and shoe his gooze.' N P t 178 TUK KEASON-TICKKT. SayH T, 'Mrs. Davics, lliat's not tlie qucHtion ; will yoji iniikc proper arnciids, and ;^iv(; nu; anotlicr head an liaiulsoinc aH mint', willi brains loo?* With that sho ik^w into a tearing'- paHsicni, and, Havin^- your prcscMU'c, ma'am, siie said, 'do to tla^ devil,' so of course! 1 rwrno ri^'ht olT /" //(H/." I'oor old woman, sho died in (Jhirk- wccd llall hospital, Jis my father nse(l to call the honse lie built, for his juMisioncM's.' ' Annly,' said om; of the yomi^- ladies, to whom Aunt S;dly did not appcMir half as amnsin;^* as her namesake did to the Duke of iieai:- I'ort., 'look at this ])hotof;Miiph of (!harles, is it not a capilid likeness?' ^ It's jiny diminish the eyes, and uiaf^'iiify the nose and tluf mouth, and besidt>s, they make people look older.' 'Then they are neither just iu)r merciful,' was the retort of the shnrp yonnp!,- lady. ' No, dear, they ari» not,' continued tlu> auid, looking' seutinuMit;il, •• neither are they ilatter- iu};'. Ihit what does it si;j^nify after all, for in a fc^w short years they will fade away, and bo forp^otten, liko ourselves. 1 was very much shoekcMl by a conversation 1 overheard tlii^ other dav, at Hri'ihton. 1 was in Smith's, the old china, dealer's shop, neiir the l^lvilion, Avhen I saw Sir John Mullet t approaehiiif;', and as 1 did not feel inclined to talk to him, I slippecl into the buck room, but had not time to close the door after me, so 1 was very rehictantly compelled to listen to his con- Ycrsaticni — '" Smith," snid he, '" have you p;()t rid of my father yet?" "No, Sir John," he replied, "I have done my b(^st for you, but nobody wjints him, they say lie is too lar^'e; but I'll tell you what 1 have been tliinkinjj;, Sir John ! how would it do to cut his lejLj;s off beioNV the knees, there would bo enough of him left then, for it appears to me, they arc by no means the best part of Jum." " By Gad !'"' said the other, "that's a capital idea: have his legs taken off immediately, tho' lot the job be done neatly, don't let hira be dis- figured, you know. But atop ! don't talk about it," he continued, " for ill-natured people might make a good story out of my cutting off my father's legs, and all A r.ALLIMAUrilV. 17'J will yoji hcjul an that she I )n 'SCI u'O, c» 1 came in (Jliick- liic liousc^ wr ot" tlie H»car liaU' of hcac- it not. II n»y (U>av,' ivc"; they lie numtli, riicn tiicy irt of the continncd cy llatlcv- In !l f(^NV ■otten, like nvcrsution 1 was iu l^ivilioii, as 1 (lid tiie back er me, so ) his con- rid of luy "I luive ., they say lave been is lefz;s off f him left means the or, "that's imcdiately, im be dis- Hit it," he [ike a good that sort of thin;^-, cii ?" And jivvay he went, lan;:>hin}^- VViicn the ^•(mkI Ihin;^, i( rs I, and all lo hiniHeif, as if lie iiad said a tioast was clear, 1 relnrned into the Hii()|). " l-'or j^ood- ness ^I'acioMs sake, iMr. Smith," I said, '* what was liial, wiei\e(|, heartless man, Sir .lolin Midletl, dire(din^' you to do with his respecitabh^ old fatln^r?" " Why, ma'am," .said Snnth, " li(! lias a fnll-l(!n<;tli portrait of his late father, |)resented to tla^ (»ld baronet for eminent ser- vices; it is too lari;(^ for his rooms, at least la; fancies so, and h(! wants to sell it, and I advised him to redncc! the si/e, which wonid make it more saleable, foi' it riially is a p)od |)ictnre, by Sir Thomas Lawi-eiKM.'." "•Yes," I I'cplied, ""that is very ti'ia;, but if reduced in si/.(i, it wonhl snit his rooms, as well as those of others." He shniiL;'^"ed his shonlders, and observed, '"• this of other days, dark dreams too, antl full of u\ystery. No! paint mv. no portrait; when the reality departs, let i\\v\v he no shadowy unsub- stantial [licture ! Fi'W would reco^-nise ihv. likeness; it w»)uUl be but a face and nothing' mor<% and one*, too, that borrows or assumes an expression for the occasion. Memory wants no aid from an artist, it engraves tiie imi|;'e of tho.s(> we love on th(» heart, and it retains \\n\ inward ((ualiti(>s as well as the outward lineaments. Wc Vivv while those who lovi» us live, and W(» perish with them ; posterity knows us no more than if wo had never been. \\c must die, dear, and be forp)tten, it is the law of our nature ; but I neither wish to be painted when alive, r(i:(r(l when dead, nor sold as " the Lord knows who," by a London jeweller.' ' By-the-by, Aunty,' said one of the younp^ ladies, by way of chan^'in^ the conversation, ' did you buy one of those wonderfull}' cheap gold watches, in the city, yestcM-day, for me, at that g-reat bankrupt sale, near St. l*aurs'?' 'No, my dear,' said the old lady, with 8 '■ A (JALI.IMAIIKUV. IHl el of tli(? ar-f;iiiH'(l day." 1 1 ciiiiiioi ^ un^ like c. Tlicy lift llicm r oiivviinl break on into tlie jf, miii/^le •r. Thvy n has aw one wave; /ard witli VVt^ may » prcsciil, arc witli H'(Mi(laiils. >ainrt too, lit; wluMi y lUiHuh- likciKvss; one, too, occasion, raves llic 'tains ll»c Mils. W'o risli Avith had ncv(>r it is llu! )C pain led the Lord ladies, hy my one of the city, sale, lU'ur ,idy, with jj^nMvt anirnation, *T hon^ht nothing', T was only loo ^•lad to y;vi safely out of llu^ shop. Never j^o to these? Iar^<^ ailv<'rtisin^ <'stal)Iislunents that promise snch extraordinary l)arf:^ains, tliey aiv, all (cheats. I n(?v<»i* was in snch a \)\iu'v. liefon* in my life. 1 saw pla, and one on tlu^ other, talkin;^ and boasting as loud as they conld. I was shown, or neiuly forc'cd np stairs, and, on my way there, passed a lady who a|tpeared (piit(i alarmed, thon^h she had a p'ntleman with lier, and if I had had my wits abont me, 1 slionid have joiiK'd tlajm, and mad(; my es(;ape ; bnt, as 1 am not easily frightened (havin^j^ travelled so nuich), on I went, and foniid myscilf in a lar^-e upper room, (illed with every kind of showy, tiashy stnff. I had hardly reached this ]»lace, wIumi a shopman shonted ont from below, " IIav(; yon any mon; of those diamond rinjj^s?" "No," was the answer, delivered in an e(pially load tone, to attract attention. '' No, they arc; all sold; Lady (Jrosveiior took the last fonr this morning*." Ami aj^ain, " Have yon s(Mit those six conrt dresses to the Anstrian And)assador's?" " Yes, and his excellency will b(^ obli^'ed if oiKi of iha yonnp^ ladies will wait npon him with som(? mon^ this evening." " Send down oiu' of those; splendid Tnrkish liearth-rnen them. "Have yon any ^'old watchc's ?" I asked, "I observe yem adve^rtise them?" "Sorry to way, madam, you arc too late ; wo had many hundreds > I » 11' ^^ IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-S) // 1.0 I.I 1.25 1^ Ilii - I4fi IIIIIIO 1^ 1.8 U III 1.6 6" m Photographic Sciences Corporation 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580 (716) 873-4503 182 THE SEASON-TICIvET. u yesterday, but Savory and Co. came this morning and bought them all up ; they said they were so dirt cheap they would ruin the trade ; cost twenty pounds a-piece, and sold them at four. But here are some clocks," showing me some Sam Shcks, put into tinsel and varnished cases. " Capital articles ! Can afford to sell them for next to nothing. Tremendous sacrifice for cash !" " Thank you, I do not want one." " Keeps wonderfdl time. Mr. Gladstone bought one; we call the new movement the Gladstonometer, after him." "I tell you I don't want a clock, I asked for watches." " Beautiful India shawl, ma'am, just look at it," spreading before me a wretched affair, only fit for a kitchen maid. " That," said I, resolutely (for I am a judge of India shawls), " is neither Indian nor French, but a miserable Norwich imitation, and is made of cotton, and not silk." " Pray, may I ask you," said the fellow, most impatiently, " are you in a position to purchase an Indian shawl?" "I am in a position, sir," I said, " not to put up with insolence." The door was obstructed by several of these people, so I said in a firm voice, " Allow me to pass, sir, or I shall call a policeman." " Which, if i/ou do not," repUed my persecutor, "7 most certainly shall. Make room for this lady. What was the cause of your intrusion here, ma'am, I know not, you certainly never came to purchase, whatever your real object may have been. Smith, see this lady out. Below there, two upon ten" which I believe is a slang term that imphes " keep two eyes on that person's ten fingers." I never was so rejoiced as when I found myself in the street again, and was enabled to draw a long breath, and feel assured that I was safe. I must say, it served me right ; I had no business to go there. I have always heard those places were kept by scoundrels and cheats ; but I could no*^. bring myself to believe that they dared to do such things in such a public place, and in so unblushing a manner. Many a timid lady is plundered in this way, by being compelled to purchase what she does not want, and to accept some worthless article in exchange for «iMh-««f4aiAn>db> «•¥- - t -^1 -'■fi^#"*'. i' ' "^t^ : A GALLIMAUFRY. 183 ning and irt cheap 3 a-piece, ! clocks," nsel and rd to sell irifice for " Keeps ; we call lim." "I kvatches." at it," fit for a I' I am a r French, made of ou," said josition to tion, sir," door was said in a: all call a 3lied my oom for lion here, purchase, mith, see which I eyes on rejoiced and was red that [ had no so places ould no+1 do such isliing a lis way, ot want, inge for the money she is bullied out of. The form of sale is adopted to avoid the technicalities of law, and to divest the affair of the character of a larceny ; but in fact it is neither more nor less than a robbery. If you want a good article, my dear, you must pay a good price; and if you desire to avoid deception, go to a respectable well-known shop. But here we are at Winchester; I think I see Charles on the platform. Now see that you don't leave your things behind you, Jane, in the carriage, as you so often do. I have only thirteen packages, and they are easily found.' In a few minutes the family party left us, the bell rang, and we were again on our way to Southampton. The gentleman who sat opposite to me returned me the Times which I had lent him on leaving Waterloo, and I said, * What do you think of the news to-day, of the Emperor reducing his military and naval forces to a peace establishment V 'I think it is a very significant hint to us,' he replied, ' to be prepared for an invasion. Napoleon never makes an aseertion that is not calcu- lated to induce a belief of its being the very opposite of what he really thinks or intends. He is one of those who fuUy believes in the saying of an old epigram- matist, that " language was given to men to conceal their thoughts." I regard his acts and not his protes- tations ; one are facts, the other delusions. If I must interpret his language, I do so by comparing what he says to Frenchmen with what he addresses to foreigners. He proclaims to his people that the defeats at Moscow and Waterloo are to bo avenged, and that all those who occupied Paris, and overthrew the empire, must in turn be punished. His mission, he says, is to effect this grand object. The first part he has fulfilled by humbling the pride of Russia, in the destruction of Sebastopol, and the capture of the Redan ; the second by driving the Austrians out of Italy. Prussia and England are still to be humiliated. The Rhine pro- vinces will appease his anger against the former, who will have to fight single-handed, and will probably pur- chase her peace by the cession of her frontier posses- 'il 184 THE SEASON-TICKET. eions. England has a long scries of victories, bv land and by sea, to atone for. Every Frenchman will rally round the Emperor in this struggle for life and death, and expend his blood and his treasure to gratify the long-cherished revenge, " Delenda est Carthago" To Europe he says, " the empire is peace," and in proof of his pacific intentions, he has reduced his miUtary and naval forces. What does he call a peace establishment? Before the Italian war he solemnly denied that he was arming, and yet every arsenal in France was occupied day and night with preparations for war, both by sea and land, while rifled guns and their carriages, packed in heavy cases, were shipped i.o Italy as merchandise, to elude observation, and every arrangement made for a sudden and successful invasion. For the maintenance of his enormous army there may be plausible reasons assigned. It may be said, that as a continental power he must be ready for every contingency, where his neighbours pursue the same suicidal course of expending their resources on their military estabUshments ; but what is the meaning of the enormous increase of his navy ? One quarter of his fleet is more than sufficient to annihilate that of America, and one third of it is able to cope with that of Russia, which can never be a for- midable maritime nation. Austria, Prussia, and the other great powers have no navies worth mentioning. What, then, is its object ? Can any reasonable man doubt that it is a standing menace to England, and that as soon as it can be raised to a numerical majority, it will be let loose upon us ? If this is his peace estab- lishment, nominally reducing his forces means being ready for every emergency, and making no alteration whatever that will interfere with immediate action. Sending soldiers to their homes looks pacific, but is an artful dodge to save for a time the expense of paying them ; for though they are absent on leave, a tele- graphic message would bring every one of them back to their respective regiments in ten days. In hke manner, his foreign commerce is limited, and his sailors can be reassembled at a moment's notice. It is a well-con- }, by land will rally nd death, ratify the gor To I proof of itary and lishment? it he was occupied th by sea s, packed andise, to ade for a intenancc e reasons ital power vhere his 3xpending ents ; but se of his sufficient it is able 3e a for- and the ntioning. able man and that ijority, it ce estab- ns being alteration action. )ut is an f paying a tele- back to manner, I can be ;vell-con- A GALLIMAUFRY. ceived, but ill-disguised trap laid for us, in hopes that we shall be induced by our credulity on the one hand, and our Manchester pohticians on the other, to accept his promises as honest, and disarm also. But even if his reduction were real, and not nominal, disarmament by the Enghsh would be followed by very different results. If you disband your soldiers you can never lay your hands upon them a<^ain. If you pay off your sailors, as you did at the termination of the Crimean war, the consequence would be equally disastrous, for when wanted they will be found scattered, like our commerce, over every part of the world. Napoleon, on the contrary, has nothing to do but to stamp his foot on the ground, and up will spring five or six hundred thousand soldiers, together with all the sailors of France, trained, disciplined, and effective men. In the mean time, every ship in ordinary will be kept in readi- ness to put to sea. She will be strengthened, refitted, and her guns ticketed and numbered, as they are depo- sited in store, or other rified and improved ones substi- tuted in their place. Portions of other ships will be prepared, fitted, and marked, so as to be put together at a moment's notice, when required, while stores and materials will be accumulated in the arsenals, and the yards, furnaces, and smithies enlarged, arranged, and fitted for immediate action. There will be nothing to be done but to issue the orders and " let sfip the dogs of war." Are we prepared for such a sudden emergency — I may say, for such an explosion — for when it does come, it will be his interest to lose no time ? If we are to be beaten at all, he knows his only chance is to take us by surprise, to assault us, as a burglar, in the night, and to plunder the house before the shutters are closed, or the watchman is at his post. Steam has bridged the Channel, we no longer use nautical terms in reference to it, we do not talk of the distance across in knots, or miles, we estimate it by hours. Cherbourg is five hours from Southampton. I left it at six, and landed at the dock of the latter at eleven o'clock in the forenoon, and by two o'clock was in London. The most foolhardy of ';)i1 \m 1 18G THE SEASON-TICKET. the present administration, even Palmcrston liimsclf, says this is inconveniently near, slionld Napoleon become an assailant. Now I am no alarmist, which is a very favourite name given to those who desire the use of ordinary precaution. I exclndo from my consideration any junction of the Russiiin with the French fleet, which, it is admitted on all hands we are not at present able to resist. But I do maintain that we ought to be in a position to retain the command of the Channel, besides detaching large squadrons to the Mediterranean, and to other naval stations ; and that if we are unable to do this, we lie at the mercy, and invite an invasion of the French. It is impossible to fortify all our extended coasts, or effectually to defend the country against a large invading force ; they must be protected by the navy. " Britannia rules the waves." When she ceases to mle them, she ceases to exist as a nation. If the French can achieve maritime supremacy, an invasion would be as easy as that of the Normans, and a con- quest as complete ; and I can see no reason, as a mili- tary man, why it should not be annexed to France, and become an integral part of that empire, as much as: Algeria/ OUR NEIGIIBOUKS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 187 I liimself, on become is a very he use of isideration jncli fleet, at present ight to be 3 Channel, iterranean, a,re unable invasion of r extended ' against a ;ed by the she ceases )ii. If the n invasion and a con- , as a mili- Vaiicc, and much as No. VUI. OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DIST.INT RELATIONS. My fellow-passenger, ascertaining that I was going to Eadley's Hotel, at Southampton, proposed to share my cab, and also, if I had no objection, to join me at dinner. This arrangement was most agreeable, for nothing is so uncomfortable or uninviting as a solitary meal. Indeed, I think, conversation is absolutely necessary to diges- tion. It compels you to eat slowly, and enables you to enjoy your wine, which you are never inchned to do when alone. Talk is an excellent condiment. A dog prefers to retire to a corner with his food, and if a comrade approaches him he snarls, and shows his teeth, and if he persists in intruding his company, most pro- bably fights him. But dogs cannot communicate their ideas to each other ; if they could they would, no doubt, regard the quaUty of their food as well as its quantity. Man is a reasoning animal, and delights in a ' feast of reason and a flow of soul,' as much as in his material food ; he equally dishkes a crowded or an empty table. The old rule that your company should not be less than three, or exceed nine, is a fanciful one, founded on the limited number of graces and muses. Now, in my opinion, the arrangement should be made by couples, from two to ten. Three is a very inconvenient hmitation, constituting, according to an old adage, ' no company.' If more assemble the table should be round, which ad- mits of your seeing all your friends at once, avoids the necessity of talking across any one, and enables you to hear more distinctly. Straight hues are always formal, but never more so than at a convivial board ; indeed, I ) ■ 14 i\i;i who ridicuN; ])atriot- ism, and throw (;old water on tin' formation of defensive hidependent corps, which tiiey style tin; result of a "riH<» fever," I thinlv there is every reason to a|)prehend that our country is in imminent danger. An invasion of Eng- land is a traditional idea in France. Napoleon tiie First, as is well known, very nearly attempted it; Louis Philipjx) had it much at lusart. The Prince de Joinville, you are aware, ])ublished ii pamj)hlet on the subject, and kept aUve the national feeling by describing to his countrymen the facility with which London could be taken by a coup de main, and excited their cu))idity by pointing out to them the enormous booty it contained, to reward a successful attack. To jn-epare the public mind for such an attempt, and to awaken and revive the naval ardoin* of the nation, our flag was eveiywhere insulted, and in one instance he fired uito one of our gun brigs, m South America, forcibly took away her pilot, a Brazilian subject, and compelled him to transfer his services to the French ship. From the time of the first Empire to the present, every exertion has been made by every successive government to increase the French naval force, not merely by building ships, accumulating naval stores, and cnlarghig their dockyards, but by giving bounties to their vessels engaged in the foreign fisheries especially those of Newfoundland, which are great and growing nurseries for their seamen. There are more than thirty thousand well- trained sailors engaged in this business alone. Now you must recollect that France, possessing but few colonies, and much less commerce than we have, has, of course, very much less to defend, while our distant possessions and immense foreign trade require a force for their protection nearly equal to what is necessary m 192 THE SEASON-TICKET. to insure our own Htifcty. Tlie French navy m apfp^cs- Hive, and not defcnHivo ; itn buHinosH is to burn, fiink, or dc'Htroy, not to guard, protect, or defend. Its employ- ment will be piracy — its reward plunder. The past and present neglect of our navy is, thcirefore, altogether inexcusable ; wc must maintain our maritime supre- macy, whatever the cost may be ; and if our fleets have the command of the channel, we may safely intrust our defences to them, with a certain con- viction that our native land will never be jMjUuted by the presence, or ravaged by the hordes, of a foreign invader.' ' I am entirely of your opinion,' I said : * I have been so much abroad lately, that I am not very — ' ' Well posted up, eh, Squire Shegog ? Well, if you ain't, I want to know who is, that's all ? And how are you, stranger ? I hope I see you well.* ' Quite well, Mr. Peabody ' (for it was he). * And how is my friend, the Senator ? ' ' Hearty as brandy,* he said, * but not quite so spirited; looks as sleepy as a horse afore an empty manger, but is wide awake for all that. He'll be here directly ; great bodies move slow ; he worms iiis waj-^ through a crowd, as perlite as a black waiter. " Permit me to pass, if you please. Sir." "By your leave ; will you be good enough to allow me to go on,** and so forth. I make short metro of it. I took up a porter by the nape of his neck, and stood him on one side, as easy as if he'd been a chessman. It made people stare, I tell you ; and I shoved one this way, and another that way, and then put my two hands together before me Hke a wedge, and split a way right through the crowd. One fellow, seeing what I was at, just scroodged up against me, so as to hold his place : " Take your hand off my watch-chain," said I; "what da you mean by a-hustlin of me that way ? " The fellow squared round, and so did others, and I pushed on, say- ing I should not wonder if my purse was gone too. They had to make room to feel their pockets, and that made space enough for me. There is no use a-talkin of it, stranger, people must keep off the track, unless they want OUR NKIGIID0LU8 AND DISTANT UKLATIONS. 193 to be run over. Tlcrc comes Senator, at laflt, T do declare, ji-|)ufliii and a-blowln like a wounded porpoiHC, wluui the wlioU; Hhoal of 'em an» arter liirn.' ' Well, Senator,' Haid Peabody, ' you Boem to have had a tempeHtical time of it at the Htation, among' the excur- sionists a-f?oin to see the Great EaHtern. Take a chair, and sit down, and rest yourself, for you look like a f(?llow that's sent for, and can't come, and sittin is as elieap as Htandin, when you don't pay for it. So let us all heave U), and cast anchor, it saves the leg's, and depend upon it, they wern't made to hang always down, like a China- man's tail, or dangle like old Shannon Fluke's queue. If you want them to last out the body, you must rest them, that's a fact ; you must put them upon a chair, or out of a winder, or cross them in front of you, like a tailor. Is it any wonder the English go about limpin, hobblin, and dot-and-go-onein,whentheirfeethangdownforeverlaBtin, like those of a poke, when it's frightened from a swamp, by a shot from a Frenchman, who hates him like pyson, for poachin among his frogs. Blood won't run up hill for ever, you may depend. I don't wonder you are tired, threadin your wav through these excursionists. Don't the British beat all natur in their way ? they will go any- where, stranger, to sec anythin^j big. What's curious ain't no matter, it's size they like — a hugeacious whip, a big glass palace, a mammoth hog, an enormous whale, a big ox, or a big turnip, or Big Ben (that's cracked like themselves). Any monster, fish, flesh, or fowl, is enough to make the fools stare, and open their mouths as if they were a-going to swallow it whole, tajik, shank, and flank. Fact, I assure you — now jist look a-here. Senator is a far greater man than I be anywhere, he has more larnin, more sense, and the gift of speech of ten women's tongues, reduced and simmered down to an essence ; talks Uke a book : we call him a " big bug " to home. Well, he is undersized, you see, and they think nothen of him here, but stare like owls at a seven-footer hke me. As one of them said to me to-day, " If you are a fair speci- men of your countrymen, Mr. Peabody, I must say the Americans are a splendid race of men." "Stranger," o f^M hS: m t !# 194 THE SEASON-TICKET. said I, " I am just uotheii, I am only s(3vcnteon hands liigh, or so ; I am the leastest of father's nine sons ; you should have seen my brother Oby: when he was courtin Miss Jemime Coffin, of Nantucket, he used to lean on the winder sill in the second story, and talk to her as easy as if he was a-loUin on the back of her chair. One night he went, as usual, to have a chat with the old folks^-of course he did not go to see the young ones ; such a thing is onpossible, who ever heard of that in all their born days ! Visits is always to parents, and if a lady comes in by accedent, and the old ones go out, or go to bed, why, accordin to reason and common sense, yomig people remain behind, and finish the evening; nateral pohteness requires that, you know. Well, this time he was a little bit too late ; they had all gone to roost. To home in our country, folks don't sit up for everlastin as they do here, but as soon as it is dayHght down, and supper over, tortle off to bed. Well, this night, the fire was raked up safe, the hearth swept clean and snug, the broom put into a tub of water, for fear of live coals a-stickin to it, and they had all turned in, some to sleep, some to dream, and some to snore. I beheve in my soul, a Yankee gall of the right build, make, and shape, might stiunp all crea- tion for snoring.' ' And pray,' said I, ' what do you call the right hidlcl for that elegant accomplishment ? ' 'Why,' said Peabody, 'a gall that is getting old, thin, and vinegary, that has a sharp-edged bill-hook to her face, with its sides collapsed ; they act like stops to a key-bugle, and give, great power to that imcommon superfine wind instrument, the nose. Lor' ! an old spin- ster practitioner is a caution to a steam- whistle, I tell you. As I was a-sayin, they had all gone to the land of Nod, when Oby arived, so as he didn't hke to be baulked of liis chat with the young lady, he jist goes round, and .taps agin her winder, and she ups out of bed, opens the sash, and begins to talk like all possessed, when he jist puts his arm round her waist, hands her right out as she was, throws his cloak over her, whips her up afore him on his boss, and off to Khode Island, and marries her OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 195 n hands )ns ; you s courtiii ,11 on the s easy as lie night oiks — of [i a thing- lieir born ly comes to bed, ig people )ohteness IS a httle ne in onr ' do here, ^er, tortle [ up safe, »ut into a io it, and earn, and e gall of all crea- ifjht huild old, thin, 3k to her tops to a icommon old spin- '. tell you. of Nod, lulked of and, and pens the 3n he jist ut as she if ore him Tries her quick stick. It gave her such an awful fright, it brought on a fever, and when she got well, her face was as red as a maple leaf in the fall. Gracious ! what a fiery dau- gertype it gave her ; she always vowed and maintained it warn't the fever that thro wed out the scarlet colour, but that she blushed so, at being hauled out of the winder all of a sudden, afore she had time to dress, that the blushes never left her arterwards. Give a woman modesty for a title-page, and see if she won't illuminate and illus- trate, and picturate it to the nines. Yes, if you want to look on a model man, you must see Oby. He was near eighteen hands high, fine lean head, broad forehead, big eye, deep shoulder, perdigious loins, immense stifle, splen- diferous fists (knock an ox down a'most), and a foot that would kick a green pine stump right out of the ground ; noble-tempered fellow as ever trod shoe leather, never put out in his life, except when he warn't pleased; in short, he *vas all a gall could ask, and more than she could hope for. Poor fellow ! only to think he was tied for Hfe to one that looked as scarlet as the settin sun arter a broiUn day in summer, hot enough to make water bile, and red enough to put your eyes out. It all came from bein in an aU-fired red-hot haste. StUl, I won't say but what there are shorter men than me in the States, and specially among the French in Canada. I was drivin, between Montreal and Quebec, winter afore last, in a httle low sleigh I had, and I overtook a chap that was a-jogging on along afore me, as if he was paid by time, and not distance ; sais I, " Friend, give us room to pass, will you, that's a good fellow ; " for in deep snow, that's not so easy a job as you'd think. Well, he said he couldn't, and when I asked him again, he said he wouldn't. We jawed a little grain faster than our horses trotted, you may suppose, when all of a suddent he stop't straight in the middle of the track, atween two enormous snow drifts, and said, " Since you are in snch an everlastin hurry, pass on." Well, there was nothen left for me to do but to get out, throw the little chatterin monkey into the snow bank, and his horse and sleigh arter him ; but when I began to straighten up, the fellow thought there o 2 m .'^: H'l 196 THK SEASON-TICKET. was no cend to me ; it fairly made his hair stand, starein like a porcupine's quills ; it lift up his fur cap— fact, 1 assure you. "So," sais he, "stranger, you needn't uncoil more of yourself, I cave in ; " and he scrabbles out quick stick, takes his horse by the head, and makes room for me as civil as you please. But, stranger, sposin wo pre-Togue this session, and ?-e-rogue again, as they say in Congress, to the smoking room.' We accordingly all proceeded thither, with the excep- tion of the Colonel, who said he never smoked, and had an appointment with the officer commanding at the battery. ' Now,' said Peabody, producing a case of cigars ; * I feel to hum — talking and smoking is dry work ; when I want to build up a theory, I require liquid cement to mix, the mortar, moisten the materials, and make them look nicely.' ' When you joined us,' I said, addressing the Senator, * my friend the Colonel and myself were discussing the probability of a rupture with France ; do you think there is any prospect of an interruption in our friendly relations with America ? ' ' That,' said he, * is a question easier asked than answered. Under ordinary circumstances, I should say, no ; but inconsiderate and unprincipled people may com- promise the United States in a way to make the Pre- sident think that concession may be mistaken for fear, and that recourse must be had to hostiMties for the sake of national honour.' 'Well, supposing such an occurrence to take place, for instance, as has lately happened by your taking forcible possession of the island of St. Juan, and a conflict were to ensue, what would be the conduct of the colonists ? Do you suppose that they would defend themselves, and remain loyal to England, or would they sympatliize with the invaders ? * ' There is not the slightest doubt in the world,' he rephed, ' that they would retain their allegiance. Few persons in this country are aware of the value and extent of British America, its vast resources and mag- OUR NI':iGIIBOURS AKD DIST.VNT RELATIONS. 19: 1, stareiii —fact, 1 needn't tbles out kes room Dosin wo they say le excep- and had r at the ^ars ; 'I when I ment to ike them Senator, sing the 3U think friendly ed than )uld say, lay com- the Pre- fer fear, the sake [e place, r taking I, and a iduct of d defend uld they orld,' he e. Few due and id mag- nificent water privileges, or the character and nature of its population. The British possessions in North America cover the largest, the fairest, and most valuable portion of that continent. They comprise an area of upwards of four millions square geographical miles, being nearly a ninth part of the whole terrestrial surface of the globe, and exceed in extent the United States and their territories, by more than 879,000 miles. The Old Atlantic colonies consist of Canada (east and west), New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, and Prince Edward's Island, and to these countries alone has public attention been hitherto occasionally directed. The history of the rule of Downing-street over these valuable dependencies, since the peace of 1783, is a tissue of neglect or ignorance, of obstinate conflicts or ill-judged concessions. Nothing has preserved them to you but the truly loyal and British feeling of the people, and a conthiued and marvellous prosperity, that has triumphed over every difficulty and overpowered the voice of pohtics by the noise of the axe, the saw, and the hammer. They have been too busy in commercial to think much of political speculations, and too familiar with free institutions to be intoxicated with power, like those who have but recently acquired their rights. However large the accretion by emigration may be from Europe, the bulk of the people are natives, who are accustomed to the condition of colonial life, and the possession of responsible government, and desire neither absolute independence of England nor annexation to the United States, but who feel that they have outgrown their minority, and are entitled to the treatment and consideration due to adult and affectionate relatives. The day for governing such colonies as those in North America by a few irresponsible head clerks in Downing- street has passed away, and something more efficient than the present system must be substituted in its place. As these countries increase in population and wealth, so do the educated and upper classes, who, although, they deprecate agitation, will never consent to occupy a position of practical inferiority to their brethren in 11 198 THE SEASON-TICKET. England, or their neighbours in the United States. They are contented with the power of self-government that they possess within the Uraits of their respeetive pro- vinces ; but they feel that there is no bond of union between the Atlantic colonics tlicmselves; that they have five separate governments, with five several tariffs, five different currencies, and five distinct codes of municipal laws ; that the supreme power is lodged in Downing- street ; that the head of the department with which they are connected is more occupied with imperial interests than theirs, and goes in and out of office with his party, while the business is delegated to clerks ; that they not only have no voice in matters of general inter- colonial and foreign interest to all the colonies, but that as individuals, or delegates, they have no personal status here, and no duly constituted medium of transacting their business with the imperial government. This in- convenience is generally felt and lamented, and there are not wanting unquiet persons, both here and in our country, who point out to them that their neighbours have a minister in London, and a consul at every large seaport, and many of the manufacturing towns in Great Britain, while even Hayti has its black ambassador, and every petty German state its accredited poMtical agent. This is as obvious to you as it is to them, and common prudence, if no higher motive, should induce you to apply a remedy before it grows into an estabhshed grievance of dangerous magnitude.' ' He talks like a book. Squire, don't he 1 ' said Mr. Peabody ; ' if you only had the like of him for a colonial minister, I reckon he would make Enghsh secretaries rub their eyes and stare, as if they felt they had been just woke up out of a long dreamy sleep. Why, would you beheve it, not one of these critters ever saw a colony, in all his born days, and yet the head man, or Boss, as we call him, sends out governors that know as little as he does. When he gets the appointment himself, he is like a hungry lean turkey being prepared for market- he has to be crammed by the clerks. " Tell me," says he, " about Canada, and show me the ropes. Is Canada OUR XEIGIIBOmS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 109 8. They cnt that ive pro- of union lat they il tariffs, odes of )dged in cnt with imperial Rco with ks; that al inter- but that al status nsacting This in- id there id in our ighbours ry large in Great dor, and il agent, common you to ;abUshed 5aid Mr. colonial iries rub een just )uld you , colony, Boss, as little as If, he is larket— ' e," says Canada ' spelt with two n's?" "No, my Lord Tom, Dick, or Plarry," (as the case may be), says the underlmg ; " it ought to be, but people are so poor they can only afford one. " Capital," says secretary, " come, I like that, it's uncommon good. I must tell Pahnerston that. But what is it remarkable for ? for I know no more about it than a child." " Big lakes, big rivers, big forests," says clerk. "Ah," says he, '-'■when ivill the (jovemment he vacant ? I have promised it already. Now, New Bruns- wick, what of that ? " " Large pine timber, ship-building, big rivers again, and fisheries." " Grey wants that for one of his family ; but the Eliots threaten to go against us, if we don't give it to one of their clan. To settle the dispute, I shall appoint my brother. Now, tell me about Nova Scotia." "Good harbours, IlaUfax is the capital, large coal-fields, lots of iron ore, and fish with- out end, quiet people." "Ah, that will just suit Mulgrave." "Now," says the clerk, "if any colony feller comes a-botherin here, the answer is, * you liave a responsible government, we should be sorry to inter- fere.' That's our stereotyped reply, or 'leave your papers to be considered.' 1 will then post you up in it agin he calls next day. All colonists are rascals; no principle — they pretend to be loyal — don't beheve them; unless they are snubbed, they are apt to be trouble- some" By golly, I do wonder to hear Senator talk as he does, when he knows in his heart we couldn't stand them when we were colonists, and just gave the whole bilin of them the mitten, and reformed them out in no time.' ' Now, my good friend,' said the Senator, ' how do you know all this ? You were never in Downing-street in your life, and it's not fair to draw upon your imagination, and then give fancy sketches as facts.' ' Lyman Boodle,' said the other, striking his fist on the table with much warmth ; ' I am not the fool you take me to be. Didn't our Ambassador to the Court of St. James's, Victoria, tell both you and me so, in the presence of John Van Buren and Joshua Bates, word for word what I have said ; and didn't you break through your ^« 200 THE SEASON-TICKET. aolemncholy manner, and laugh like a slave nigger (for they are the only folks that laugh in our country) ? So come now, what's the use of pretendin' ; I like a man that's right up and down, as straight as a shingle.' ' Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator, with well-affected dignity, ' I have no recollection of the conversation you allude to ; but if it did take place, as you say, nothing can excuse a man for repeating a piece of badinage, and abusing the confidence of a private party.' ' Ly,' said his friend, looking puzzled, ' you do beat the devil, that's a fact.' The Senator, without pressing his objections any farther, turned to me, and with great composure, re- sumed his observations. ' There are now,' he said, ' about three miUions of inhabitants in British America, and in justice to them I may add, that a more loyal, in- telligent, industrious and respectable population is not to be found in any part of the world. Their numerical strength is about the same as that of our thirteen re- volted colonies in 1783, when they successfully resisted England, and extorted their independence. But there is this remarkable difference between the two people. The predilection of us Americans, with some few exceptions, was ever republican. The New England States were settled by Cromwellians, who never fully acknowledged English sovereignty. From the earliest period tliey aimed at independence, and their history is one con- tinued series of contests with the prerogative of the king, the power of parliament, and the jurisdiction of the ecclesiastical courts. From the first they claimed the country as their own, and boldly asserted their ex- clusive right to govern it. They altered the national flag, assumed the right to coin money, entered into treaties with the native tribes and their Dutch and French neighbours, and exorcised sovereign powers in defiance of the mother country. Aware of the advantage and strength derived from union, the New England Colonies confederated at a very early period, and elected a representative body of delegates, who settled all dis- putes of a reUgious, territorial, or defensive nature, OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 201 gov (for y)? So 3 a man :le.' ■affected tion you nothing i|^e, and do beat ms any ssiu-e, re- he said, America, oyal, in- ►n is not umerical teen re- resisted there is »le. The septions, es were wledged )d they ne coii- of the iction of claimed heir ex- national •ed into ;ch and wers in vantage England elected all dis- nature, arising either between their respective provinces, or be- tween them and their neighbours of foreign origin. In this tribunal we find the ernbiyo Congress of the United States, and the outline of the government which now prevails in that country; it required but time and opportunity to develop it. The control of the parent state was ever merely iK.^minal, and when it ceased to exist, the change was little more than converting practical into positive independence, by substituting forcible for passive and obstructive resistance. The unjust as well as impolitic attempt to impose taxation, without representation, afforded them what they ardently desired — a justifiable ground for organizing an armed opposition, and a deep-rooted disaffection, and sectarian hatred, infused a vigour and a bitterness into the contest, that the assertion of a constitutional right would alone have failed to inspire. When an object is ])redetcrmined, it is not often that folly furnishes so good an occasion for effecting it as the Stamp Act. Had the people been originally loyal, resistance would have ceased when it had been successful ; but the repeal of the Act, while it removed the obnoxious tax, failed to appease disaffection, and the contest was continued, not for principle, but for independence. The present British provinces are peopled by a totally different race. They were never the refuge of the discontented, but the asylum of the loyalists, who were either driven from their homes by us, or voluntarily followed the flag of their sovereign into the British territory. The great bulk of the original settlers of Upper Canada, New Brunswick, and Nova Sco- tia, had carried arms on the British side in the American Revolution, and those who subsequently removed there, selected the country because they preferred retaining their allegiance to their sovereign to becoming subjects of the Republic. Most of the loyalists were men of property and education, for such are seldom revolutionists^ and their descendants have inherited the feelings of their forefathers. It is from this cause that they are morally, and from the salubrity of their climate physi- cally, fully equal, if not superior, to their English i 7 \4 if I i il ^i; il 202 THE SKA SON-TIC K1:T. brethren — a fact that is patent to all who have travelled on that continent, or mixed with the population on both sides of the Atlantic. It is necessary to keep these facts in view, whilst speculatinpc on the destiny of these noble colonies. It is a settled conviction with a certain class of poUticians in this country (who hold that colonies are an hicumbrance), that as soon as they are able, they will se})arate from the parent state ; and they point to the United States as a proof of the truth of their theory. This has becm loudly and offensively pro- claimed by sucli men as Duncombe, Wakefield, and Buller, who have wounded the susceptibiUties of the colonists by their offensive personal remarks, and weakened the interest which the people in this country have hitherto felt in their transatlajutic possessions. It is, 'however, manifest, that separation does not neces- sarily follow from the power to sever the connexi(m, but that to the ability must be superadded the desire ; and that where there is a good and cordial feeMng subsisting, that desire is not likely to arise, unless it is the decided mterest of the colonies to become independent. In what that interest can consist, it is difficult to conceive, so long as this country pursues a wise, Uberal, and just policy towards so important a portion of the empire.' ' I will tell you,' said Peabody, ' what their interest is, and you know it as well as I do. Their interest is to jine us, and become part and parcel of the greatest nation in aU creation ; to have a navy and army of theu" own, and by annexation to the United States, to feel they are able to lick all the world. Now they are nothing; no, not half nothing, but just a nonentity. Invaded and insulted by us, they can't help themselves for fear of England, and England daren't go to war, for fear of the cotton spinners of Manchester. Big fish were never found in small ponds. Let them jine us, and I'd like to see the power that would dare to hurt a hair of theii* heads. They haven't got one member to Parhament, no more than footmen have; if they be- longed to us, they would send a hundred Senators to Congress. Who ever heard of a colonist bemg ap- OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 203 travelled on both L^p these of these [I certain old that th(^y are and they truth of vc\y pro- eld, and s of the rks, and 1 country lions. It ot neces- xJon, but iire; and ibsisting, B decided lent. In conceive, and just ipire.' terest is, rest is to greatest ■/ of their }, to feel they are onentity. lemselves > war, for Big fish L jine us, •e to hurt lember to they be- nators to eing ap- pointed a governor anywhere? Catch the English a- doing of tiiat ! No ; they give them the gi-eat and glorious privilege of paying British governors, and actually make them fork out to Sir Head, in Canada, a salaiy much larger than we pay to the J^resident of the United States ; and while they support all the consuls east of Philadelphia, by fees levied off their ships, only one colonial consul is to be found, and Lord Clarendon was buUied into that. I tell you I know it as a fact, they are shut out of every api)oiutment in the empire.' ' You forget,' said the Senator, ' tliat Mr. Ilincks was appointed a governor.' ' No, I don't,' said Peabody, ' but he wam't a colonist ; he was an Irishman that went to Canada to seek his fortune, and he was promoted for two reasons : first, because he was an Irishman ; and secondly, because he waded into the troubled waters Lord Elghi got into, and carried him out on his back, or he would have gone for it. But show me a native that ever got that commission ! You say the critters have some intelligence; well, if they had, wouldn't they show their sense by jining us, and being made eligible to be elected President, or Foreign Ambassador, or Secretary of State, and so on ? What sort of birthright is a farm in the woods, half swamps, half stumps, with a touch of the ague, and no prospect before them but to rise to be a constable or a hogreavc, catchmg vagrant thieves or stray pigs ? Bah ! the English are fools to expect this to last, and Cana- dians are still bigger fools to stand it. But go on: some of these days you will say, " Peabody warn't such a fool as you took him to be." ' ' All you have advanced,' said the Senator, ' amounts to this : the provinces require a new organization, and so does the Colonial Office. I understand both these beneficial objects will soon be obtained by the mutual consent of Great Britain and her dependencies ; and to the very great advantage of both. I do not deny that the evils of the present system require removal, but I have no doubt the remedy will soon be apphed. I was talking of the country and the loyalty of its people, and 1*: 'ft \'i 'f 20-4 THE SEASON-TICKKT. not of its constitution. Much has bcon said,' ho con- tinued, ' of the rapid growtli of the United States. No sooner was their indeixMidence acknowlcdg-ed than they ])ecame the resort of all who sought a refuge from poH- tical strife in Europe ; a safe and wide field for the in- vestment of capital ; a market for theu* labour, and a new home in theu" vast and unoccupied territoiy. They absorbed, to the exclusion of other countries, nearly the whole emigration, not only of Great Britain but of Europe. The continued wars that grew out of the French Revolution gave them, as neutrals, a very great proportion of the carrying trade of the world. It was a popular country ; a realization of the theories of French philosophers and English reformers. It was neither burthened with the expenses of royalty, the tithes of an Estabhshed Church, nor the entails of an hereditary nobility. Freedom and equality were inscribed on their banners, and their favourite maxim, " Vox populi, vox Dei," was realized in the assumption of the whole power by the people. Direct taxation, except in municipahties, was unknown. Customs duties and the sales of public lands maintained their then fnigal government, and supplied a large surplus for works of public defence or improvement. ' The first-fruit of this system was a vast increase of population and wealth. The growth of the country, iiowever, stimulated by the causes just mentioned, has been prodigious ; and it is for this reason I select it as a standard wherewith to measure the growth of Canada, and I think the comparison will astonish you, if you have not taken the trouble to institute an inquiry for yourself.' Turning to his pocket-book, the Senator read as follows : — ' " The last Census of the United States was taken in 1850, when the population (after deducting that of recent tenitorial acquisitions) was upwards of twenty-three millions. In 1840 it was only seventeen millions, or thereabouts. In ten years, therefore, the increase was upwards of six millions, or thirty-five per cent. ' lie cen- tos. No lian they rom poli- r the in- ir, and a r. They early the L but of i of the ;ry great It was a f French neither les of an 3reditary on their puli, vox le power ipaUties, Df pubhc nit, and ) fence or urease of country, ned, has Bct it as Canada, , if yon [uiry for read as ites was iug that ards of venteen 3re, the •five per II \ OUR NKIGIIBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 205 ' " The Census of Upper Canada in 1841 gave 465,000. In 1851 it was 1)52,000. Increase in ten years 487,000, or about 104 per cent. It may be said it is not fair to take the whole of the United States for a comparison with Upper Canada, much of the former country bcin^ comparatively old and long settled. It will be seen, however, from the United States Census, that the three States of Ohio, Michigan, and Illinois, which have had the most rapid increase,^ contained in 1830, 6,126,851 ; in 1850, 8,505,000, or a httle over 320 per cent, hi twenty years. Now the increase in Canada West, from 1840 to 1849, was over 375 per cent, for the same period, so that the increase in these three choice States was 55 per cent, less than in Canada West during that time, while in the Far West of Canada, the counties of Huron, Perth, and Bruce, have increased upwards of 571 per cent, in ten years — an increase almost beyond com- prehension. ' " This immense advance is not confined to the rural districts, for the cities and towns will equally vie with those of the United States. Between 1840 and 1850 the increase in Boston was 45 per cent., but in Toronto, 95 per cent. The increase of New York, the emporium of the United States, and a city which, for its age, may vie with any in the world, thus stands as compared with Toronto, 66 per cent, between 1840 and 1850, against 95 per cent, of the latter. St. Louis, which had in 1850 70,000 inhabitants, had increased it fifteen times since 1820. Toronto had in 1850 increased hers eighteen times that of 1817. The population in Cincinnati was hi 1850, 115,590, or twelve times its amount in 1820 (thirty years before); and Toronto had in 1850 eighteen times its population in 1817 (or thirty- three years before). ' " Nor is the comparative statement of cereal pro- duction less favourable. The growth of wheat is very nearly one-sixth of that of the whole Union ; of barley more than one-fourth ; of oats one-seventh ; and in all grain, exclusive of Indian corn, about one-sixth." * ' Oh, of course,' said Feabody, ' they deserve great credit for all this, don't they ? They had great tracts of \ r . ,1 J. l\ Be I 206 THE SEASON-TICKET. i good land ; emigrants camp and HettUid thoro ; the country grew, and the ple when left to theniHeives. There ain't a smart city in Canada.' ' What do you call a smart city T I asked, * for I never heard the term before.' ' Well, I'll tell you,' he said ; * T was gDin* down the MissisHippi oncet in a steamer, and the captain, who was a most g-entlemanlik(; man, was a Mr. Oliver (1 used to call Oliver Cramwell, he was such an everlastin' eater), and we passed a considerable of a sizeable town. Sais the captain to me, " Peabody," sais he, " that's a smart town, and always was. Ten years ago, when I was steward of a river boat, we wooded at this place, and there didn't seem to be any folk there, it looked so stiU : so as I walked down the street, I seed a yaller cotton oil coat a-hangin' out of a shop door ; I tried it on, and it fitted me exactly, and as there was nobody there to receive the pay, I walked off, intending, of course, to pay for it next time I came that way. I hadn't gone a few yards afore I was seized, had up afore the justice, tried, convicted, received tliirty-nine lashes on my bare back, and, upon my soul, it was all done, and I was on board the steamer agin', in twenty minutes." Now that's what I call a S7na7't place. They han't got the go-head in them to Canada we have. Their lead bosses in the State team, their British governors, are heavy English cattle, with a cross of Greek and Latin, and a touch of the brewer's dray. They are a drag on the wheels, made of leaden hnks, that the colonists have to gild. The only airthly use they can be put to is to sink them at the moul ' I of a river in time of war, for they are the grandest obstruction to a new country that ever was invented.* * Pooh, pooh,' said the Senator, ' don't talk nonsense. Such, Mr. Shegog, is this magnificent country, through which the proposed route to the Pacific is to pass from the Gulf of St. Lawrence, having a vast continuous chain of navigable waters from the Atlantic to the head i ; tho Thoy itcrally iicroas- i smart 1 never »wn the :h() was used to eater), I. SaiH a smart I I TV»8 CQ, and so still : )tton oil , and it ;here to , to pay e a few !e, tried, re back, n board ,'s what lead in in the English ouch of a, made 'he only at the T^andest (nted.* meense. through ss from iinuous he head Ol'U NEinilliOURg AMD msTANT nELATIOX?. 207 of Lake Superior. Four liuiidr<'(l and ten milcB of Bteaniiiifj;" from the ocean, and you rcftch Quebec, tho g-reat Hcaport of Canada, with a larf^e and UKTeasing" foHMgii commerce ; 51)0 milcH more briiifr you to Mou- treal. From thence Hcven caiials of different Icnjj^-thfl and g-rcat capacity, fitted for sca-g-oin^ veHsels, enable you to ascend 110 miles of river, and at 1(18 miles above Montreal, you are in Lake Ontario. Swiftly traversing this vast Ixxly of water, which is IHOmiles long, you pass by the Wellaiid Canal into Lake Erie, and thence through Lake St. Clair, and its river, into Lake Huron, l,{\[)5 miles from your starting j)oint, the entrance of the Gulf. By means of St. Mary's River, and a gigantic canal, yon now enter Lake Superior (a fresh-water sea as large as Ireland, and the recipient of 200 rivers) which enables you t(» attain a distance of 2,000 miles from the mouth of the St. Lawrence. I do not speak of what mat/ be, but what fias been done. Vessels of large burden, built and loaded in Lake Superior, have traversed this entire route, and safely reached both Lond(m and Liverpool. ' Such is the navigable route to Lake Superior. There is nothing in England, or indeed in Europe, that can furnish by comparison an adequate idea of this great river, the St. Lawrence. Of its enormous tributaries I have not time even to enumerate the principal ones. I must refer you to maps and statistical works for fuller information. I shall only mention one, and that is the Ottowa — it falls into the St. Lawrence near Montreal. It drains with its tributaries a valley of 80,000 square miles, commanding the inexhaustible treasures of the magnificent forests of the north-west of Canada, that cover an area of six times the supei*ficial extent of all Holland. One of the tributaries of tliis noble river, itself a tributary, the Gatenaux, is 750 miles long, and nearly as large as the Rhine, being 1,000 feet wide, 217 miles; from its junction with the Ottowa. Imagine innumerable other rivers of all sizes downwards, to the limited extent of those in England, and you have an idea of the rivers of Canada.* * Lyman Boodle/ said Peabody, rising suddenly, and If; 208 THE SEASON-TICKET. drawing himself up to his full height, ' Lyman Boodle, I like to see a feller stand up to his lick-log like a man, and speak truth and shame the devil. You are an American citizen, and we aU have the honour of our great nation to maintain abroad. My nde is to treat a question I don't hke as I treat a hill, if I can't get over it I go round it : but catch me admitting anythuig on the sur- face of this great globe in rips, raps, or rainbows, or in the bcowels of it, or the folks that live on it, to have anything better than what we have, or to take the shine off of us. Don't half that river St. Lawrence belong to us as well as them, and hain't we got the right to navigate from that half down to the sea? Don't we own half of every lake as well as them, and all Huron besides ? Hain't we got the Mississippi, that runs up over two thousand miles right straight on eend, and only stops then because it is tired of running any farther ? and don't the Ohio fall into that, and, big as it is, seem only a drop in the bucket ? If you like it so nmch, you had better go and settle there, give up being a senator, and sink down into a skunk of a colonist. I'd like to hear you talk arter that fashion to Michigan, and unless you wanted to excite people to board and take Canada, why they would just go and lynch you right off.* To give a turn to the conversation, which, on Mr. Peabody's part, was becoming warm, I said, ' Has Canada the power to maintain itself against the United States r ' I think,' he said, ' in the event of a war, in which our population was united, we should overrun it.' ' Well done, Ly,* said his friend, slapping him cordially on the back, ' you are clear grit after all — you are a chij) of the old American hickory block. Overrun it ! to be sure we should, and I should like to know who would stop us ? Why we should carry it by boarding ; some we should drive into the sea, and some into the lakes, and the rest we should tree. If the telegraph ain't built afore then, the first news they'd get here would be that Canada is taken, the British |_flag hauled down, the OUR NEIGHDOURS AND DISTANT RKL.VTIONS. 209 {^oose and gridiron run up, damages repaired, prisoners down the hold, and all made ready for action agin. It would all be over directly — arrived- -saw it — drew a bead on it, brought it down and bagged it. England would feel astonished as the squirrel was Colonel Crockett fired at when he didn't want to kill the poor thing. lie drew on it, let go, and took its ear off so sharp and slick, the critter never missed it till he went to scratch his head and found it was gone — fact, and no mistake.' ' Yes,' said the Senator, not heeding the interruption, ' we should oveiTun it, but whether we should be able to hold it is another matter ; perhaps not.' ' Ah, there you ago again,' said Peabody, ' rubbin out with your left hand what you wrote on the slate with your right — you are on the other tack now ; I hope it is the short leg, at any rate.' ' Mr. Shegog,' said the Senator, ' it is almost incredible how Canada has been neglected by this country. There is much truth mixed up with the extravagant talk of my eccentric frifuid here. I have reason to believe that the greatest possible ignorance prevails in Downing- street as respects this noble colony. It is hiaccessible to shii)s in winter, and for mails all the year round. Would you believe it possible that all European and intercolonial mails pass through the United States to Canada, with the exception of a few that are sent to Quebec during the summer months by provincial steamers ? There is no road from Nova Scotia or New Brunswick to Canada. We grant permission for the British mails to be sent there from Boston or New York through our territory, but at a month's notice (or some very short period) this permission can be withdrawn, and Canada m such a case would be as unapproachable for a certain season, as the ulterior of Africa. In a military point of view this state of things causes great uneasiness in the British provinces, and, 1 may add, to all discreet and right-thinking men also in the United States. If war were to be declared by us in the early part of Novem- ber, not a soldier could be sent to the relief of Canada II. ii it n ♦ , .1 . 210 THE SEASON-TICKET. till May, nor any munitions of war conveyed thither for the use of the people, while then* correspondence with the mother country would be wholli/ suspended. This state of affairs is well known to our citizens, and the defenceless condition of the country invites attack from a certain restless portion of our population, con- sisting' of European and British emigrants, to whom plunder has more allurements than honest labour. It is surprising that the lesson taught by the Crimean war has been so soon forgotten. You may recollect that dming that anxious period, the British Government wanted to withdraw a regiment of the line from Canada and send it to Sebastopol, and also to draw upon the large munition of war accumulated at Quebec. The winter meanwhile set in, the navigation w^as closed, and there were no means of transporting them to Halifax ; so they lost their services altogether. The artillery and other miUtary stores were of still more consequence, and it was determined to send them by means of the railway (leased to an English company) to Portland, and thence ship them to then place of des- tination: but the question arose, whether they could legally be transported through om' comitry, that was at peace with Russia at the time. The English Crown Officers were of opinion that they would be liable to seizure.' ' And we are just the boys to seize them too,' said Peabody, ' for w^e are great respecters of law.' 'Yes,* I replied, 'when it happens to be in your favour.' 'Stranger,' he said, 'you weren't born yesterday, that's a fact ; you cut your eye-teeth airly ; I cave in, and will stand treat. I am sorry they han't got the materials nor the tools for compounding here ; and Boodle is a temperance man, and never drinks nothing stronger tlian brandy and whisky ; you shall have your choice, try both, and see which you like best.' ' Peabody,' said the Senator, ' I wish you would not keep perpetually interrupting me in this manner — I almost forget what I was talking about.' I. ;yed thither respoudence /// suspended. litizeiiB, and vites attack ilation, con- s, to whom ibour. It is )rimeaii war L'collect that Government from Canada iw upon the ,uebec. The was closed, Qg them to ;^ether. The )f still more ;nd them by company) to >lace of des- they could that was at glish Crown be liable to m too,' said Hvv.' be in your yesterday, I cave in, an't got the and Boodle ing stronger your choice, u would not manner — I OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 211 ' Smugghiig ammunition and cannon through our great country,' said Peabody. ' Ah,' continued the Senator,' ' the consequence was they could move neitlier trcjops nor mihtary stores. This state of things, if suffered to continue, may cost Great Britain the most valuable colony she possesses.' 'IIow,' I asked, 'do you propose to remedy it?' 'You are aware, sir,' he replied, 'that the great through line of railway in Canada is completed to a pouit about ninety miles below Quebec, called Trois Pistoles ; an extension of thisUne for four Imndred and fifty miles will connect it with the Nova Scotia line, and then there will be an uninterrupted railway from Halifax through New Brunswick and Canada to Lake Superior. This is the only Unk now wanting to com- plete the intercolonial communication. ' If once constructed, Great Britain and her colonies will be independent of us for the transit of their mails, and the former will be reUeved of the burden of main- taining a military force in Canada as a precautionary measure in time of peace. In twelve days a regiment may be conveyed from England to Halifax, and thence by railway to Quebec, accompanied by its baggage and stores ; and the very circumstance that the country can obtain such ready and efficient aid, will, of itself, put an invasion of Canada by us as much out of the question as a descent upon England itself. The tliree colonies of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and Canada, have severally undertaken to carry out this great national object, if aided in raising the funds under an imperial guarantee ; but the apathy with which it is viewed in Downing- street has almost exhausted the patience of the provin- cials who feel that as colonists they are unable to obtain that loan, wliich, if they were independent, they could raise without difficulty. A feeling of dependence is not very congenial to the Anglo-Saxon mind ; but it is the worst policy in the world to make that dependence more galling than it naturally is. Commercially it is of tlie utmost importance to the traders to have a safe and cheap mode of conveyance for themselves and their pro- p2 til > -I !' '., !:f i r !/ VI r' j: 212 THE SEASON-TICK KT. , (luctions, and a new and extended Held opened to thcn» in the Lower Trovinees for the exeliang-e of their mutual commoditieH. At ]>i'eKent we d(U'ive an enornious ad- vantage from intercepting this trade, and directing it through canals and railways to various parts of our Union. While the British (iroverninent are either indo- lently or wilfully negligent in ])r()inoting their own interests, our peoph^ are fully alive; to the importance of monopolizing the trade of the upper country. The navigable lakes above Canada are bounded by a coast of many thousand miles, connected by canals and rail- ways from the Mississippi, Missouri, Illinois, Wabash, and Ohio rivers. Twenty American railways are already in operation, leading from those rivers to Chicago, oiu; of the largest exporting ports for food of every descrip- tion in the world. In addition to these, there are the great Erie Canal, extending to the Hudson River, the; New York Central Railway, and that to Boston via Ogdensburg, as well as several others. Now, you must recollect, that while all these works have been con- structed for the express purpose of diverting the trade to us, the same routes furnish us with so many channel;^ for transporting troops for the invasion of the country, to the different points at which thc}'^ terminate. Now three things result from this state of affairs — First, wo are in possession of your only mail route. Secondly, we divert the colonial trade to us, and thereby increase the interest the provincials and ourselves feel in each other, and render annexation not a thing to be dreaded, but to be desired, as one of mutual advantage. Thirdly, our railways and canals afford every means of overrun- ning the country at a season of the year when it is inaccessible to you. The completion of the unfinished portion of the line between Nova Scotia and Canada i(r>, therefore, a matter of vital importance, both in a military and connnercial point of view, and when I con- sider that the British Government is not asked to do this at her own expense, but merely to assist by a guarantee the several provinces in raising the necessary funds, I am utterly at a loss to understand why she r : I 3(1 to then I loir iTiutiia} >riuouB u(l- iircctiiig it rts of our ithor iiulo- tlieir own portanco ol" try. The by a coaKt 8 and rail- ^, Wabasli, are already liieaj^o, one ry doKcrip- ro are the River, thc^ Boston via. ', you must been con- the trade ly channel^ 10 country, ate. Now —First, we Secondly, iy increase )ol in each 30 dreaded, Thirdly, »f overrun - wdien it is unfinished Canada If^, both in Ji hen I con- ked to d(> jsist by a necessary 1 why she 4 Ol II NKKJlinOURS AND DISTANT IlELATIONS. 213 does not perceive that her duty and her interest alike demand at luir hands. The truth is, the Colonial Office is a d(^ad wc^ight on the P]Tn})irc. Instead of facilitating and aiding the {)rog'ress and development of the colonies, it dtNidciis the energies and obstructs the w(!lfare of the |KH)pio. It is almost incredible that the Homo (lovern- numt actually subsidize two several lines of ocean Hteamers to run to Boston and Now York, and convoy hither their first-class (^migrants, their mails, and thcnr valuable merchandise, th(» first to swell our poj)ulation, and the two latter to be first taxed and then conveyed by us to the boundary line ; while Canada is treated more like a foreign and rival conntry, and left to main- tain steamers at her own cost as best she may. It is an undeniable fact that these ocean steamers have driven out of the field the passenger and freight ships that used to run to Quebec, and thereby diverted the stream i)\' emigration from you to New York. Up to 1847, (Miiigration had increased at Quebec to 95,000 against some 80,000 to New York, wliilo in 1850 it had dimi- nished to some 30,000 at the former, against an increase of 200,000 at the latter. The diminution of direct exportation from Quebec has also arisen from the cir- (unnstance of its having no outlet in winter. The Halifax Railway will supply this difficulty, and by its harmonious action at an early period make that capital tlie greatest city of the West. In summer it will possess the advantage of being 250 miles nearer Liverpool than New York, and in winter it can avail itself of IlaUfax harbour, which is also 300 miles nearer England than our empire city. How is it that a minister of state knows so Httle, and a colonist effects nothing V * I'll tell you,' said Peabody, ' it's as plain as a boot- jack ; it's six of one, and half a dozen of the other ; one darsn't, and the other is afraid. One don't know what to do, and t'other don't understand how to do it nohow he can fix it. There was a feller came over here from Montreal, to complain that the Newfoundlanders, who are a set of donkeys (the Roman bishop there used to call them kings of the rabbits) had granted a monopoly 'III - « ■ -. 1t ,«i I y 214 THE SEASON-TICKET. of Bcttinp^ tip telcpraphrt in the island to a Yankee com- pany, whereby New York would get Eur()|H3an newH before the liritinh provinceH. So he goes to the Colonial Office, and asks for the Bohr, to protest against this act getting th(5 assent of the Qneeu. Well, the gentle- man that tends the door made a gulp of a bit of bread and chee8(i that he was a-takin' of standing, told him his Lordship was in, and piloted him up, thn^w open the door, and said, "Mr. Smith, my Lord, from Madawisky." " Mad witli wliisky," said Lord, stepping back, and looking scared, "what does uU this mean?" "Mr. Smith, from Madawisky," re{)eated the usher. " Sit down, sir," said Lord (for he didn't half hke a man who had " mad " and " whisky " to his name), " glad to see you, sir, how did you leave Doctor Livingstone ? had he reached the great inland lake beyond the desert, when you left liim ?" " What lake ? " said Colonist, looking puzzled, for he began to think minister was mad. " Why the Madawisky," said Peer, " 1 think you called it by some such name : I mean that lake in Africa, that Livingstone has discovered." " I am not from Africa," said poor Smith, looking skywonoky at him ; " I never was there in my life, and I never heard of Doctor Living- stone. I am from North America," and he was so con- flustrigated he fii'st turned red, and then white, and then as streaked as you please. " Oh ! North America is it ?" said the skipper, " well here is a map, show me where it is." Well, while he was looking for it. Lord stoops over him, and he had a great long ugly stiff beard, as coarse as a scrubbing brush, and it stuck straight out, like the short dock of a horse, he tickled him so with it, he nearly drove him into a conniption fit. " Oh ! now I see," said Lord, "pray what may your hus'iiess bef So he ups and tells him about the Newfoundlanders, and their telegrapli, and Cape llace^ and the Basin of BuUs, and so on. " Strange names," said Secretary, " I bad no idea they had races there, and as for the other place, I have heard of the fat Bulls of Basan, but I never heard of the Basin of Bulls. That place must be inhabited by Irishmen, I should think," and then he laid t:' inkoe com- |H3un newR ;h(3 Colonial [i^ainHt this the gentle- it of bread ?, told him w open the idawisk^'." back, and r "Mr. icr. " Sit 3, man who •lad to see Hi ? had ho sert, when 8t, looking" was mad. you called Vfrica, that )m Africa," ; " I never tor Living- as 80 con- 3, and then (rica is it ?" me where ord stoops f beard, as •aight out, so with it, "Oh! now uiess be?'' mdlanders, 3 Basin of Secretary, as for the isan, but I 10 must be icn he laid ODR NEir.rinoims and distant relations. 215 back in his chair, and haw-hawed right out. Smith was awfully scared, \w, never sot eyes on a lord afore in all his born days, and expected to see some strange animal like a imicorn, and not a common-looking man like him. He was wrothy too, for he; thought he was a-quizzin* of him, and felt inclined to knock him down if he dared, and then he was so excited, he moved to the edge of his chair, and nearly tilted it and himself over chewallop. He got nervous, and was ready to cry for spite, when Lord said, " Show me where the Basin of Bulls is." " Bay of Bulls," said Smith, kinder snappishly, and he rose, and pointed it out to him on the map, and as Lord stooped down again to look at it, he gives a twirl to his beard, that brushed across Smith's mouth and nostrils, and set him off a sneezin' like anything. Then, from shame, passion, and excitement, off he went into the highstrikes, and laughed, snoozed, and cried all at once. They had to lead him out of the room ; and Lord said, " Don't admit that man again, he's either mad or drunk." Creation ! what a touss it made among the officials and underlings. Would you believe it now, Senator, that monopoly Act ims jiassed by the Newfoundlanders, was approved by the Colonial Office, and did receive the Royal assent, just because the asses in Newfoundland found kindred donkeys in Downing-street ; so the in- terests of Great Britain and the North American colonies were sacrificed to the ignorance and negligence of this useless — nay, more than useless — obstructive depart- ment.' * Good gi'acious !' said Mr. Boodle, * what nonsense you do talk.' ' I tell 3^011 it ain't nonsense,' said the other : ' Presi- dent Buchanan told me so himself, the last hitch I was to England. He was our minister to St. Jim's at that time, and says he, " Peabody, how long do you think we would stand such a secretary in our great country ?" " Jist about as long," I replied, " as it would ia,ke to cany him to the first sizable tree, near hand, and then lynch him." And now. Senator, don't you think all this insolence and slack, and snubbing colonists get, comes 'lb 1*1 210 THE SKASON-TICKET. 1/ I , ' ',< I I* ' from their not being- so enlightened and independent as we are, nor so well educated V ' As regards education,' rei)lied the Senator, ' you will be surprised when I tell you tliat they have made better provision for instructing the rising generation than we ourselves. Of the social benefits to be derived by a nation from the general spread of intelligence, Canada has been fully aware, and there is not a child in the province without the means of receiving instruction, combined with moral training. In fact, the system of education now established there far exceeds in its comprehensive details anything of the kind in Great Britain. 'In 1842, the number of common schools in Upper Canad was 1,721, attended by G6,000 pupils; and hi 1853, the number had increased to 3,127 schools, and 195,000 pupih. There are now in the upper province, in addition to the above, eight colleges, seventy-nme county grammar schools, one hundred and seventy-four private, and three normal and model schools, forming a total of educational estabhshments in operation of 3,391, and of students and pupils 204,000. But to return to what I was saying when Mr. Peabody interrupted me, 3'ou may take what I now say as incontrovertible — ' 1st. Transatlantic steamers, subsidized by Great Britain, should be in connexion with her own colonies, and especially Canada. ' 2ndly. The completion of the Quebec and Halifax line of railway is of vital importance, both in a defensive and commercial point of view ; and any delay in finishing it may be productive of infinite mischief, if not of the loss of Canada. '3rdly. As soon as possible, after this railway is finished (which will complete the line from Hahfax to Lake Superior), immediate steps should be taken to provide a safe, easy, and expeditious route to Frazer's River, on the Pacific. Had such been now in existence, you never would have heard of the invasion of St. Juan, for an English force could leave Southampton on the Ist of November, and on the 16th of the same month ar ivc mi m{ rei al) fat to \m ths tlu Go u OUR NEIGHBOURS AND DISTANT RELATIONS. 217 arrive at Vancouver Island. An ounce of precaution »!s ivorth a pound of cure. But this is your affair, and not mine. I hope you will excuse the plain unreserved manner in which I have spoken. I have said what I really think, and give you as candid an opinion as I am able to form. * But it is now getting late, and as I feel somewhat fatigued I must retire.' As the Senator left the room, Peabody put his finger to his nose, and whispered to me, ' Didn't I put him on his mettle for you beautiful? lie is a peowerful man that, but he wants the spur to get his Ebenezer up, and then the way he talks is a caution to orators, I tell you. Good night.' I 218 Trre SEASON-TICKET. No. IX. TITE LIVING ANT) TITE DEAD. Early the following" morning-, Colonol Morti]n'»r called upon me, and proponed that we Rhonld v\R\t the various ol)jects of interest in and about tlu; port of Southampton, and defer our de})arture for London to a later train in the afternoon. To those who think with me, that no view can ho p(M'feet that does not include a considerable quantity of navigable water within it, Southampton presents great attraction. What, hideed, can be more beautiful than the prospect exhibited to the admiring eye of a stranger, as he approaches it from Basingstoke, embracing at once the town, a large portion of the New Forest, and the extensive bay, protected by the Isle of Wight? My old friend, Commodore Rivers, was our guide on this occasi(Ui. lie was an enthusiastic admirer of the place (with ever}' part of which he was well ac(piainted), and had many interesting anecdotes connected with it, which he told in his own peculiar style. As a seaman, the docks stood first in his estimation, not only for their utility, but for their beauty. Now this is a quality, I confess, I could never see in them, any more than in foot-tubs ; we may admire their magnitude, their useful- ness, their wonderful construction and importance, but their beauty, if they have any, is discernible only to a nautical eye. On our way thither we passed the ' Great Carriage -building Factory ' of the late Mr. Andrews. ' A clever man that, sir,' said the Commodore ; ' did a vast deal of good to the place, employed a great many hands, and was a hospitable and a popular man, too. TIIK UVING AND THK DEAD. 219 f^r called various lampton, train in tliat no sidorable liampton be more ndmiring ngstoke, the New Isle of :^uido on r of the iiainted), with it, seaman, for their iiahty, I than in ir usefnl- iicc, but nly to a e ' Great rews. ; 'did a at many lan, too. He was three times Mayor of Southampton, and ])oa8ted that he waH the greatest coach-huild(!r in tlie kingdom. Says I to him one day — "Andy, how is it you build so cheap?" "Come in, and take a glass of brandy and water with me," said he, " and I will tell you." And that,' remarked the Commodore, ' puts me in mind that I don't feel veiy well to-day. The last time I was at Alexander, in tlve Simla, I had a touch of cholera, and I have never been quite free from pain Kiiice ; I will just go on to the Royal, "above bar" here, and take a thimbleful neat, or, as More O'Ferrall used to call his whisky, " the naked trutli." ' When ho rejoined uS; he continued : * Andrews said, " I will tell you, Commodore, the secret of my success. I first took the huit from you." " From me," says I ; " why I know nothing about any waeel in the world but a paddle-wheel, and that is built with floats, not spokes, and has an axle, but no hob ; or a helm to steer by, that makes a vessel turn round, but not go ahead. How could I know anything about coach-building ? " " Why," says he, " I caught the idea from a story you once told me of the black preacher." "Oli, I remember it!" said I ; "he was one of the 'mancipated niggers ha Jamaica, that was too lazy to work, so he took to itinerant preaching. When he returned from one of his circuits, as he used to call them (for his old master was a lawyer), he was asked what he got for his day's work. ' Two- and-sixpence,' said he. ' Poor pay,' replied his friend, ' it ain't as much as I get for hoeing cane.' * Yes, Pompey,' he said, 'it is poor pay, but reck'lect, it's berry poor prcachiu' I gibs 'em, berry poor, indeed; for I can't gib 'em Latin or Greek as church minister does, and I can't talk die (dictionary) — niggers is always berry fond ob what dey can't understand. When I can't 'swade 'era, I frittens 'em — dat is de grea,t art, and white preacher don't always understand de natur ob coloured folks. Now, Pompey, dere is one natur ob nigger, and one natur of Massa Buckra. You can't scare our people by tellmg 'em dey'll go to berry hot / 220 THK SK.VHON-TICKKT. plju'(^ if (loy \H HiniKM's, for no placo is too hot for (Icin l)roilin hrut ol) (liiy, \vi(l (Icrc faces tnrncd np lo it, lik(» a sini-llower. I HcarcMlcin by cold : I talk ol» frozen riMters dat d<\v luust walk on i)ar<'foot, and ol) snow drifis, and ol) <;arryin' <;*reat jiniks olt ice on dere bare heads lor eber and (d)er, lik(^ discihar^in' earpx'S of Yanke(5 ic« from Hoston vessels, whieh kills more ob dem dan yall(*r fever. 1 can't talk book larnin', 'cans(^ I can't read; nor ('ber- lastin* lon^- words, 'catise I can't prononnce 'I> Tor ('l)or 'u'x\ from llcr fov(U'. nor («l)or- II. Hut 1 )l(l Scare ly, but I Ji(» Htory \u) story ; my mind 1 ('harg'(» I'ry ^ood I last for lo. Tu a II (h(^ ji^o,' tor they uit new t irt of no too \\\^\i \h tlUMl l)uild my (\s labour Then 1 alnuMitH, apital at sty, and e died of Imorston mistak(3 what ho »r woman I't know what ynu and I do, that tlu^ W1u^-h uh(; the lladieals to f^(!t ill () power, and then, in their turn, forjj^et who (/rcmeu their ir/icc/s for tiiem.' ' I waH not in tiie country at the titno,' I Haid *aud d(j not know to wiiat you alhuk; — what irt the story?' ' VViiy, said the Connnodore, * AndrowH heard that the (lovermnent was usin^ its iiiliuenco in the S(mth- amj)ton election for the Whig* (candidate who start(;d in opi)osition to him. So he wrote to Pahmirston, for whom h(! h.'id foug'ht through thick and thin, to ask him If it was true. What does his lordshii) do, but instead of answering" his (piestion, writes back in his usual sup(»rcili()us way, "Since you ask my ojnnion, 1 think //on had better stay at home and mind your own business." You never heard sucii a row as that kicked up at Southampton, in all yom life. The Tories crowed, and said, "Harv(3d him right;" the AVhigs laughed, and said he might know something of the spring of a carriage, but not of the sju'ings of government; and tlui Radicals threw up their liands in disgust, and said they could do nothing without coui't carch. ' It's astonishing what gamblers these fellows arc, tlu^y always expect the knave to be turned up trumps. Poor Andrews ! ho was never the same man arterwards. I used to try to rally him, for luj was a good-hearted fellow as ever lived, though he was a Radical. " Andy," I used to say to him, " you see you have been chucked over, my boy, to lighten the ship : you arc what wc call at sea a ' jutsum,' but bouse up the mainstay, and have pluck enough to be a ' lloatsum ;' hold on by your eyelids, you'll come ashore safe yet, and then show fight, and we will idl v(jte for you, because you have been ill-used." Ihit it was no good. Then I tried him on another tack. Says I, " Did you ever hear, my old friend, of a tarantula ? " " No," says he, " I never did — what is it ? " " Why," says I, " it is a great big spccklc-bcllicd spider, that is common in the Mediterram^an countries. Captain Inglcsby, the great Conservative here, calls it a Whig, for it turns on its own small fry if they cross its path, snaps them right up, and lives on 'em. Its bite, if not I 222 rilK SKASON-TICKKT. /' uil(Mi(l(Ml t(», Ih Hiiid lo l)(» (■crtiiiii dcutli. VVIicu au Ititliiiii Ih Htim^ by one of iIichc crciituicH, he wikIh for luUHiciiiiiM, iiiul (lances and siii^M till Ik; IuUh down oxIiauHtod on the lloi>r, it's llic oidy ciin^ in riaturo tlicn^ is for it. Now, cliocr up! ifou liav(^ been hit by a tarantula; auIaoe than he is), " Uiv(^rs," said he, his life and death ou^'ht to be a warning to lladieals who volunteer for the forlorn hope, (he in the bn^ach, and open the way for the VVhi^-8 to enter, ^ain the vietory, and bag all t/ic prize nwiieif. What," said he, " did the party ever do for Joe llume, who fought their battles for them with the Tories? Why, they sent his picture to his wife, and then raised a [)altry subscription for a lying monu- ment to himself — one made him handsomer, and the other a greater man than he was. Thefi paid him in flatter)!^ a cheap coin, hke (jhidstone's adulterated half- pe»Miy that passes for more than it's worth. Yc^s, and when they had done these two paltiy acts, one of theii" wittiest membi^rs said, 'we have now paid our debt of gratitude to this eminent man, and the " tottle of the hull " (and he mimicked his Scotch accent to please the Irish) is, we ought, from respect to so great an econo- mist, not to ask for a stamped receii)t." * TIIK MVINver do (hem with luH wife, 11^ moiiu- aiid the aiil him in tited half- Y(^s, and le of their ur debt of tile of the please the an econo- ' Curious world, tluH, Mr. She^-o^,' eoiiUniied llio Comjnodore, ' thiw country in fooled in a way no other nation of tin; world in. VeHterday I dined on board of yonder man-of-war, tlie (taptain of wliieli J knew at Balaclava, and we wen; talking" over old times and the present state of tliinj;s. Says he, "Rivers, whi> a muddle the VVhij^s mad(! of the Kussiaa war — -didn't they ^ and what a mess they will make of it a^aiii, if we slioiild ever have a st;t-to witli France. 1 can't think this country would trust them in such a case; but if tlu!y d(», depiiud uijoii it we an; lost for ever. We don't want tncksters, but men of honour and men of pluck. VV(! HMpiire tin; li^ht man in the ri^ht |)lace — a thorou^h-^oin^' En;^'lishman is the only one that is fit to stand at tlu; helm in such a crisis ati the present. The Wlii^s r(;ly on Cons(!rvativo votes to defend thcmi a^'ainst the ^reat ijiberals, and port of th(! lladicals, because they outbid tli(3 Tories. They play off OIK! ii^'ainst tlu; other: and lhoii{j;'h hated and distrusted by both, they win the ^ame, for their trumps an; all marked, an^y us a visit from Cherbourg. If they do, I hope they won't fire a gun from the forts till every ship has got inside ; and then we'll let them know, that those who licked them at the Nile have left behind them children that can thrash them as well as their fathers did. The breed hasn't run out, I can tell you. But it I is time to move on. Let us go now to Netley Abbey ; it is only three miles from the town ! ' * What a beautiful ruin ! ' I exclaimed, when wo reached the lovely spot ; ' I could linger here for hours. What a place to meditate in ; to give Hcence to the imagination ; and to endeavour to realize it as it was in the olden time ! * ' It is like an old man,' said the Commodore, * vene- rable for its age, and noble even in its dilapidations ; but it don't do to inquire too closely into its past life. If you had seen su..h places as I have on the Continent, peopled as they now are, and in the way that this once was, it would knock all the romance out of you, I can tell you. If these abbeys had been in the same hands, and continued in fuU occupation of the Church to this day, England would have remained stationary too. If Netley Abbey had continued as it was, so woiJd Southampton (or Hanton, as it was then called). Poets and artists may have the abbey all to themselves, if they hke ; but give me the docks ! I dare say it does make a good drawing; but to my mind a bill of exchange, or a cheque on Coutts', or Childs', is the prettiest drawing- in the world. The docks feed more men than all the abbeys and monasteries in this part of England put together ever did ; but if you intend to go up by the afternoon train, it is time for you to think of returning. We must finish our tour of inspection some other day.' On reaching the Southampton station, there was such a crowd of passengers that our party could not all be accoEomodated in one carriage, and we severally seized I)*: m 1 1 >a m 1^ if I t 226 THE SEASON-TICIvET. upon pny vacant soats wo ch7w-, John, your fins, and give us a Highland fling." He was of opinion that of flat fish there would, as a matter of course, be as many as in other courts, and cross old crabs too. Connuon plaices, he was sure, would be in abundance, as well as *good old soles.' Bloaters, the aldermen of the sea, enjoy good eating, and are sure to be found at civic :lius bccamo voniii}^, and VViiiclu'stor, ^hose ineritB jid Hfitisfiic- eeii a vewHcl were ([uite ;ting* on the iider iu tlie any chance, untain wave cceduijj; one, ust into the altogether; )r tlie Avaves [ was that (jf 3 in a rolUng- L it was very her to come lawyer, (jf a. jy declarinj:;' t submarine rmination, if 311 could be le hoped, he •y his marine d the young and extraor- d sung, lie ly think,' he a quadrille our a flip on )ur fins, and )inioii that of , be as many )0. Common ;e, as well as L of the sea, ound at civic THE LIVIN(} AND TlIK DEAD. 227 feasts. 'What a dorious thing,' he exclaimed, 'it would be U) hear a real syren sing; wouldn't it?* ' I su))i)ose,' said the young lady with a wicked smile, * that sharks, like lawyers, would also be plentifully there, seeking whom they could devour. But pray tell me,' she continued, 'do you believe hi ni(;rmaids .^' 'Do you believe in mermen /* rei)lied the barrister, * because you know, there can't be one without the other.' ' If that is the case,' she said, ' I do. A merman must be a lawyer-like creature; an amphibious animal, neither lish nor flesh — at once, a diver and a dodger, fiut really now, and without joining, do you believe there iire such things or beings as mermaiilsV' 'Why not ;" replied the young lawyer, who bore the allusions to his profession witli great good-humour — 'Why not?' A beaver, you know, is an animal, and a most clever and ingenions one too ; an engineer, and builds a dam to make an artilicial lake ; an architect, and designs a house ; a cari)enter competent to build, and a mason, to plaster it ; and yet the tail of the beaver is a fish's tail ; has scides on it like a fish ; and re(|uires to be kept conthiually submerged in water. Why shouldn't a mermaid be a link between us and fishes in the same way that a beaver is between animals and them V 'I didn't ask,' the young lady retorted, with some warmth, ' why such creatures should not be, but whether you believe they really do exist.' 'A Veil,' he said, affecting to look wise, 'not having seen, I don't know ; and not knowing;, 1 can't say ; but their existence appears to me to be as well authenticated as tliat of the sea-serpent. Hundreds of people declare they have seen the latter, among whom is a captain in the Royal Navy ; and Mr. Grattan, in his recent work on America, states, that all his family beheld the marine monster from their window at the inn at Nahant, in Massachusetts Bay, as plauily as they saw the water, or the ships in the harbour. Now, Miss Mackay, the Q 2 i ih IF 1 228 THE SEASON-TICKET. daughter of a Scotch clergyman, the minister cf Reali, in the North of Scotland, whoso letter is preserved in the Annual Register, declared on oath that she and four other persons had the pleasure of contemplating a mer- maid for a whole hour, while disporting itself withhi a few yards of them, for their particular instruction and amusement. It was so near that they saw the colour of its eyes and hair ; and she describes it most minutely : says she was particidarly struck with its long taper fingers, lily-white arms, and magnificent neck and bust. This mermaid was, most probably, crossed in love, for it often placed its hand under its alabaster cheek, and floated pensively and thoughtfully on the water. So you see its existence is as '^vell authenticated as that of the sea-serpent.' * Then you believe in them both V asked the young lady. * No, indeed,* he replied, ' I do not. Professor Owen has proved that they not only do not, but that they cannot exist.* * Well, I don't thank him,' rejoined the young lady, ' for his demonstration. I Uke to believe in sea-serpents, and mermaids, and ghosts, and dreams, and all that sort of thing ; it excites and thrills me. I wouldn't give up the Arabian Nights' Entertainments for all the wise books Professor Owen ever wrote, or ever will write in his life. Now, there is that legend about Netley Abbey — perhaps it may be an invention, if you come tr) criticise it and ask for proof ; but still it is a pretty little antiquarian story, and I like to believe it ; / don't wan't to be undeceived. There is a moral attached to it, showing that consecrated ground cannot be dese- crated with impunity.' *I am not aware,' said the lawyer, *to what yon allude ; but recollect I never believe any thing that is not proved.' *No,' she said, *nor do you believe it when it is. Smethurst, you know, was found guilty of murder, so thought the judge, so thought the jury, and so did the public ; but Sir Cornewall Lewis said, " If you call that er cf Roali, )rcserved in he and four ,ting a mcr- L'lf within a ruction and 7 the colour }t minutely : long ta|)er !k and bust. in love, for cheek, and water. So I as that of the young Cfesor Owen it that they /oung lady, ia-serpents, all that sort in't give up II the wise Arill write in out Netlov 70U come to is a pretty 1 it ; J don't attached to ot be dese- ) what you hing that is when it is. murder, so i so did the ou call that THE LIVINP, AND TIIK I)KAI>. 22a man guilty of poisoning the body, what will you say of agitators who have poisoned the ?«mr/w of the public? One is as innocent as the other, for no noxious drug can be; found in the stomach of the one, or tlie brain of tho otlier ;" thafy I suppose, you will call llome-Office logic ; won't youf ' Uncommon good,* said the lawyer ; but what is tho tradition of Nctley Abbey, that you wish to believe, if you can V " Well,* she said, * Netley Abbey, about the beginning of the last century, was sold by Sir JJartlett Lacy to a (Quaker builder, who had bought it for tho purpose of using its materials in the way of his trade. Shortly afterwards, the purchaser had a dream that he was taking down the arch over the east window, when tho keystone fell upon him and killed him. lie related this* dream to the celebrated Dr. Isaac Watts, who was a native of Southampton, and, though a dissenter, was educated by a Churchman, and attached to th(i Estab- lishment. When he heard of his dream, ho advised him 7iot to have any thing to do with the demolition of this house of the Lord. The Quaker, however, ridiculed tf o idea of consecrated ground, as his successors, B'*'„iit and others, have since done, and while proceeding to take down tho building, a stone from the east window fell upon him, and kiWvA him. Netley Abbey still stands, but what would it have been without this traditir, and entr(>a.t her to take mo und(>r her fj^uar- diansliip, the words die ere they pass my lips,' [tlio yonnj;' lady hun,LV her head and hlnshod], < I stare, stammer, and look and f(!el like a fool.' * What a coward you are!' she repli(Nl, g"ivinp; him a look of enconra,u;em(Mitthat invited confidence; '1 should have thouii'ht tliat a lawyer like you, who advocates th(5 ^causes of otiiers, would be clo(]U(mt when pleading:;" his f^wn. If you cannot speak, surely you can write. But, dear mo! luu'O wo arc at Winclu^ster,' What an o|)p(U*tunity m^is thus lost! TTe had evi- dently screwed himself up to the point when his speech and his journey were thus nnexpe(!tedly brou<]^ht to an end. Tliey both ap])eared loath to depart and to sepa- rate, but time and tniins wait for no one. This ])arty had hardly left tiie carriag-e before their scats were tilled by th(^ ladii^s with whom T had travelled the preceding" day, and 1 heard the word ' Sheg-og",* accompani(^d by a titt(>r, rep(\ated again among* the young ladies as they rc^cognized mo as ' the man with the funny name,' who had travelled Avitli them the day before. * 7\h,' said the elder lady, apparently resuming" a con- versation that had been interrupted by the Rtoppag"e of the train, 'it was an extraordinary scene, and one I can never forg-et.' ' To what scene do you allude. Aunt,* asked one of her young- companions. ' The annual election for tlic admission of idiots into the asylum. It was held in the TiOndon Tavern, in October last, and T attended it with a friend. As wo ascended the st;iirs, of whicli there were throe or four I \i •"ut fi g-uar- ' and affoc- )iritnal, Init uiidcr t()iH», t \ho worst an T sliDiild attempt to r IwT ^iiar- lips,' [IIk; * I stare, vinpf him a 'I slionld voratcH tli(i Icajliiig- liis M-ito. But, had cvi- liis) Kpocch iiffht to an id to sepa- 'oforo tljoir id travo]l(Hl ' ''^iH^g-opc,* tmono- tlio man with m tliG day iiip: a con- op[)a.<:;'e of one 1 can Dd one of diots into Pavorn, in . As wo }C or four TIIK MVIN(i AND TIIH DKAD. 231 [Ii<^'htH, printed i)laeardH wen^ faHleiiod to the walls, and le(;tion room, it was covered with at hiast a hundred small tables, some of which (.'xhihite*! two ])lacards, oth(U's only one, similar to those on the staircase. At thes(5 tables wen; seated th(» friends of tiie different unha|>py candidat(!S, for tin; purpos(; of receiving and (;oli(!cting votes and proxies, whi(th from time; to time were transmittepointment and distress were visible in the eyes of the friendless and unsuccessful poor. ' It is an excellent institution, but, like many others in this charitable country, is susceptible of improvement in its management. For instance, I think the poor idiots, when once admitted, should bo maintained through life, ^1 232 THE SEASON-TICKET. II instead of boinn^ liublo to dismisHul, unless rc-clcctcd at the end of every five or seven years. But none of these Buffm'ing people gave vent to their grief as Lady Sarah did this morning. " Oh, Martha," she said, as she burst into my room, " this is a dreadful business. Lord Pole- bury is quite dead, Lady Middleton as black and soft as if she had been l)oiled, and I'rincc Frederick William will never recover ! What terrible destruction I" * This observation seemed to wake up an elderly gentleman from a reverie in which he was indulging. lie was evidently a clergyman, and of that class, too, which commends itself to our affection by its total exemption from party badges of any kind. He was attired neither in the distinctive dress of the High, nor Low Church party, but habited like a parson of the old school. His manner and general appearance indicated the gentle- man, while his placid countenance and expansive fore- bead exhibited at once benevolence and intelligence. He looked like an ingenuous and simple-minded man, clever, but not acute ; a man of God, but not a man of the world : in short, it was impossible to look upon him without seeing who and what he was. 'Is it the cholera, Madam?' said he, in great alarm ; ' what is the cause of this sad and sudden mortality ? ' * Frost,' replied the lady, who seemed to think her companion was not quite sane. 'Frost, sir; it has ruined the gardens for the year. Even the chrysanthemums are all injured.' *0h,' he said, with great apparent relief, *ia that all?' * You would not say that, sir, if you were fond of a flower garden. I cannot conceive a greater infliction in its way. After you have spent all the winter and spring in planning out your garden, arranging the edgings, inventing ribbons, producing effects, and harmony of colours, having worried through the labours of planting out, and settled which are to occupy the same bed* — here a slight smile passed over his reverence's face, as if he was amused at her excitement, or her phraseology; THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 233 3-clcctod at me of thoso Lady Sarah 18 she burst Lord Pole- and soft as ick William »nl"* This gentleman ;. lie was too, which I exemption ired neither ow Church 3hool. His the gentle - msive fore- igence. He aan, clever, nan of the upon him in great ud sudden think her has ruined uthemums *is that fond of a ifliction in md spring edgings, rmony of • planting ne bed'— 's face, as :aseology; but he instantly roprcHsed it, and she proceeded without noticing it — ' having fought and coiKpiered your gar- dener, vanquished slugs, overcome drought, checked thrips and caterpillars, removed the dead and dying, and supplied their places, producing thereby a blaze of beauty; after having satisfied your own critical taste, and astonished and delighted your friends, to find on waking some fine sunshiny morning, that a frost, like that of last night, had destroyed it. Oh, sir, you wouldn't say, " is that all?" It precipitates the winter: it is sudden death. Dying, falling leaves are enough to try the patience of any floriculturist in the world. Sweep, sweep, sweep, and still the lawn is untidy ; every puff of wind scatters them like flakes of snow ; but that,' — she remarked, with a supercilious toss of her head, which showed that she had not forgotten his exclamation, ' is that all ' — ' but that, I suppose, you will say, is the order of nature, and if they add to our labours, their variegated hues, ere they fall, contribute also to the beauty of the scene. But, sir, an early and unexpected frost, like that we have just experienced, brings death and destruction to plants, t«nd is indeed a calamity that requires a large stock of philosophy to bear.' ' I can easily understand your feelings, madam,* said her clerical friend, ' for I am very fond of gardening myself ; it is an innocent, an interesting, and instructive pursuit. When you spoke of Lord Polebury being dead, and Lady Middleton in extremis, I took it literally, and not in reference to geraniums and verbenas. I beg your pardon for the mistake ; but at the time I was thinking of something else, and the suddenness of the remark, though not addressed to me, startled me ; for his Lordship, though deficient in judgment, means well, and is, I believe, a very good man. His zeal is without knowledge, and not always tempered with discretion ; ■but his energies are directed to laudable objects, and he would be a serious loss to the country.' He then dis- cussed the respective merits of all the varieties of roses, calceolarias, dahUas, &c., &c., in a manner that showed ' I f t'l 231 TIIK SKAaON-TirKKT. ho was quite a master of tlie sultjoct. 'Ych/Iio Kaid, * 1 can well syiiipatliizc with yon, iiiadani, in thcMlcHtruc- tion occasioned hy tiie t'mst of last ni^ht; hnt it in em- bh'rnatieal of that deiith which tciininates all our fondeKt lio|»eH and deanst at'fei^tioiiH. Kverytiiin^j^ reminds us of tiiis invariai)le law of iiatnre, wiiether it be gradual decay or sudden destnu^tion.' 'Oh, yes,' hIk; said, 'we know that; but ntill it is no less vexatious. I lost all my wall-fiiiit this H))riiij;* by a late frost, and now our tiowers are all d(»stroy(Ml by an early one. It is very easy to say " is thai all i" bnt you little knowthe truth of your stat(Mnenl. " It is idl," fruit and llowerH tog'ether ; wlmt is there left worth havinu;', when you are d(^|)rived of both? and you must excuse nu; for sayinjLi^ it is not the law (»f nature; if it was, we should [M'ovide a laws of the seasons aro not immutabl(» ; and yet there is no reason, b(>cause all is transitoiy here below, why avo should not interest ourselves in everythiu};' around us. The ganhMi survives many more active ])ursuits, Mud fui'iiishes occupation and amusement .at a period of life when excitement ceases to minister to our pleasures. Flowers iwo the gift oF God; and TTis infinite* wisdom, goodness, and power, aro as discernible in them as in the stars that glitter in the firmament — they both delight and instruct us. In their fragrance and beauty, they are emblems of punty, '^d in their decay and vernal reapi)earance, they are typicc^v of a resurrection. Tt is a conviction of this natiu'c that has induced mankind from the earliest i)eriod to plant them on the graves of their departed friends.' 'Then,' said the lady, pointing to the cemetery at Woking, with a mingled feeling of jmpie and civility, * that place, I should suppose, is one* that would excite tlic most agreeable and tender tlumghts in your mind.' 'No,' he said, 'T approve of it, ])ut T do not admire it. It is a necessary provision for the relief of a metropolis i> u" doKtruo- t it irt cm- mr foncU'Ht uikIs \\i^ of )o griuliial ill it irt no prill ft* by ti )yo(\ by Jni r but you s :ill," fruit •til h;iviu<4', list CXCUHO it WJiH, wo li j>iitirnec. it so vcxa- ut rcjilying MniHoiiH aro luH'auHO all )t iiitcroHt Ml survives Kitioii and cut c('as(\4 lu; ft-ift of powrr, aro tcr in tlio In thoir )unty, ^hI ire ty|)icc.i aturo that I to plant 'in(*t<'ry at 1(1 civility, )uld oxcito iir mind.' iidiniro it. metropolis Tin: i.iviN'o ASM) Tin; dkam. 235 Wko liondon, or nny other larft'(^ city, for intramural burials are found to be destructive of health; but they fail t(» attract us like the old rural churchyards to whicli we ami our forefathers have Im'cii accustouKMJ. Tho mor(» you decorate them, the more repulsive they become. Ivare exotic trees, and shrubs, ft"ay llowers, and tli(» trickrt of landscape ft-ardeiiiii;.;' an; not in keeping;' with tho place. We for«;-et that we are waiideriuft' throu«:;h tho city of the dead, tlu* last restin;^-place of mortality; and yet there is sometliin<;- in the tombs, urns, and tablets around us, that destroys the illusion of ornamental plea- Hure-ft-roimds. It is neither a burial-place nor a ftardim : it is too ft'ay and smiliii;;* for tin; one, and too lonely and melancholy for the other. Our retlections are diverted l)y the ft-audy ])arterres, and our enjoyinentH (h'stroyed ])y the mementoes of death. Ihidal llowers decorato the tomb; and li(»adstones, with learned or rustic inscrip- tions, label the rhododendrons and azaleas. Thesis ceni(»teri<^s are in most cas(»s too distant b> be visites the affections of the heart are inon! int<*ns(» and more (hirable wlien^ the soil is not sullicieiitly rich to force np luxuriant weeds to choke their ^-rowth. In \\u) ft-reat estuary of an over;;Town city like rjondoii, men aro drawn into the vortex of a whirlpool, in which they disappear, and are for^'ott(Mi for (wer. l\'opl(» are to() busy to think, and wlien^ there is no rcillection there is no feeliiij^-. The ^rave recH'ives llu^ body, and the cemeteiy en'■■ I, m\ ) I" 240 THE SEASON-TIC KKT. before your lordship, and above all before that God in whose presence I must shortly appear, that I am entirely guiltless of the crime for which I am about to suffer. I have produced no one to speak in my behalf. Two years have scarcely passed since I came into this country an utter stranger. I have made no acquaintance here beyond the household in which I have been employed, and where I have endeavoured to discharge my duties faithfully and honestly. Although I dare not hope, and do not wish that my life should be spared, yet it is my devout and earnest desire that the stain of this crime may not rest upon my name. I devoutly hope that my good mistress, and her kind and excellent daughter, may yet be convinced that they have not nourished and befriended a highway robber. I have, therefore, in humble devotion, offered a prayer to heaven, and I be- lieve it has been heard and accepted. I venture to assert that, if I am innocent of the crime for which I suffer, the grass, for one generation at least, will not cover my grave. My lord, I await your sentence with- out a murmur, without a sorrow, and I devoutly pray that all who hear me now may repent of their sins, and meet me again in heaven." * The unfortunate man was condemned and executed, and was buried in Montgomery churchyard. Thirty years had passed away when I saw it, in company with poor Eliot Warburton, and the grass had not then covered his grave. It is situated in a remote corner of the church- yard, far removed from all other gi-aves. It is not a raised mound of earth, but is even with the surrounding ground, which is, for some distance, especially luxuriant, the herbage being rich and abundant. Numerous at- tempts have, from time to time, been made by some who are still alive, and others who have passed away, to bring grass upon that bare spot. Fresh soil has been frequently spread upon it, and seeds of various kinds have been sown, but not a blade had there ever been known to spring from them, and the soil soon became a smooth, cold, and stubborn clay. With respect to the unhappy witnesses, it appears that Parker's ancestors y V i I THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 241 iiat God in ,m entirely Buffer. I alf. Two lis country iancc here employed, my duties hope, and ct it is my this crime )C that my daughter, irished and erefore, in , and I be- venturc to or which I it, will not ;ence with- ^outly pray ir shis, and i executed. Thirty years ' with poor covered kis ;he church- It is not a urrounding r luxuriant, merous at- r some who away, to il has been rious kinds ever been became a )ect to the ancestors V liiid once owned Oakficld, and that he had liopod, by ^('ttin^ rid of Newton, to remove the main obstaclo tliere wan to his repoHHosHing- it, and that Pearce had, at tlie time of Mr. Morris's deatii, aspired to the hand of his daughter, in whowe affections lie felt he had been supplanted by poor Newton. The former soon left the neighbourhood, became a drunken and dissoluto man, and was Ultimately killed in some limeworks while in the act of blasting a rock. I'earce grew sullen and dispirited ; his very existence seemed a burden to him, and as the old Sexton of Montgomery expressed it, " ho wasted away from the face of the earth." ' 'What a strange and interesting story, sir,' said the lady ; ' do you know in what condition the grave now is?' 'I have not seen it,' ho replied, 'since the period I mentioned, which, I think, was in 1850; but I have heard that some person has since covered it with thick turf, which has united itself with the surrounding grass, except at the head, which is still withered and bare, as if scorched wi*h lightning. The prayer, however, of poor Newton, that his grave might remain uncovered for at least one generation, has been heard, and his memory vindiciited in a most remarkable m.anner. The name given to the grave was singularly inappropriate, it should have been called " the gi*ave of the innocent." The widow, with her daughter, left Oakfield, and went to reside with her brother. For some weeks after poor Newton's burial, it is said his grave was from time to time found strewed with wild flowers, by an unknown liand. But it was observed that after Jane Morris had hift the neighbourhood, not a flower was found upon it! ' As I said before, poor Eliot Warburton went with ua to see it. lie gazed upon that bare spot with a hallowed reverential emotion. What sacred thoughts passed through his mind during those few brief moments I cannot tell. But he promised me he would, when ho next came into the neighbourhood, visit it again, and write and pubUsh the story. Poor fellow, ho came not; hi II i'li ! I I: I II II' I' 1 I 242 TIIK SEASON-TICKET. the rolontloHR wavoB have cIobchI over him ! What a boautlfnl and affoctinjj^ ntory would tlic simple facts, told by him, have ^vcii to the world ! ' lie had hardly concluded his narrative, ere we reached Kingston, where he took leave of us. * Aunty,' said one of the younp;" ladies, * what' a dear old man that is ! did you ever hear a more interesting Btory? I wonder what his name is! How could you be so rude to him, when he misunderstood you about the flowers ? Couldn't we find out from the rector who ho is, and all about him? Do try, aunt.' But her entreaties were Imt short, by the rc-appearanco of Mr. Peabody, from another ])art of the train, who was so convulsed with laughter, he could scarcely speak. Taking the seat recently occupied by the clergyman, he bent forward, and striking his open hand on his knee with great animation, he said : * By gum, Squire Shegog, we have had the greatest bobbery of a shindy in our carriage you ever knowed in all our bom days. Did you here the hurrush ? * * No,' I said, ' we heard nothing extraordinary here.' * Well,* said he, ' the train was so crowded this morning, that though T had a first-class ticket, I had to put up with a seat in the second, or be left behind. We got rid of all those that were in our box at Win- chester, but two — one was a thin, pale, ; tudent-looking- chap, who, if he hadn't seen his best days, wasn't like to find them here below at all. He was an inoffensive kind of a feller that wouldn't say boo to a goose — the other was a cap sheaf critter, that thought himself a beauty without paint, and was better and finer than his neighbours. He had a beard that wouldn't acknow- ledge the corn to no man's, and the way it was bear- greased, or iled, or Cologned, or musked, or what not, was a caution to a tar-brush. Every now and then he passed the thumb and forefinger of his right hand over his lips as if to give room for showing his teeth to advantage ; and, I must say, his mug resembled a Skyc terrier's as near as could be, while a pair of little ferret eyes watched over all as if they were guarding his ! m! What a ■simple facts, •c we reached < wliat' a dear '0 interesting 3W conhl you ^011 about the cctor who ho re-appearance rain, who was arcely speak, clergyman, he i on his knee the greatest ^er knowed in ish?' iinary here.* crowded this ;ket, I had to left behind, box at Win- ident-Uwking- s, wasn't hke an inoffensive i a goose — the ght himself a finer than his Idn't acknow- it was bear- er what not, and then he •ht hand over • his teeth to mhled a Skyc of little ferret guarding his THE LIVING AND TIIK DEAD. 243 precious anointed face. Well, wliat does I do, but take out my cigar case, and make preparation for smoking, in that cool way, you know, that nobody but UH, Yankees, can do. Sais I to the invalid, " Have you any objection to smoking?" "No," sais lie, "I rather like the flavour of a good Ilavannah." Well, if he had said no, I'd have given up, for I scorn to take advantage of hi^lpless people hke women, niggers, and hospital folks. Then I turned to Skye, "have you any objection?" sais I. "Most decidedly," ho said. " Well, I know some does dislike it," sais I, and I struck a light and began to smoke. "Didn't I tell you I objected to it?" sais he. "You did." " Then why do you persist in such an indecent manner?" "Because," sais T, "I never could bear parfumes, they make mc faint; and your beard is so scented, I am obliged to use tobacco in self-defence. If you will stick your beard out of the window on that side, and let the breeze sweep away its horrid smell, I'll put my head out of the one on this side, and let the odoriferous smoke go clear." " If you don't take that cigar out of your mouth," sais he, " I'll take it out for you." " My friend," sais I, " (oh I how that horrid perfume chokes me), before you go to try that game, recollect two can play at it. Look at me, and take my measure, and see if I am a man that you can handle (phew ! what is that tarnal scent you have about your pendable?. it beats all natur.)" "We shall settle this," he said, "when the train stops, I have no idea of being insulted in this way." "Nor I either," sais I ; " I have paid for a seat in the first- class, where gentlemen go, and here I am thrust into this second-rate carriage along with a man tliat looks for all the world as if he had just escaped from his keeper." Seeing bullying w^as no go, he put on his cap, folded his arms, shut his eyes for fear the smoke would make them look more bloodshot than they were by nature, pressed his hps tog(;ther as tight as if he had put an hydrauhc screw on 'em, and composed himself for a nap. When we got to Basingstoke (wasn't that B 2 >;] ■■Kl ■ a i k i I I > I , I ! 244 THE SEASON-TICKET. the name of the last place?) he and the pale-faced man were both fast asleep, so I slips out quietly and gets into the next division of the carriaj^e. Arter a while, I peeps over the back, and seeing they were still in the Land of Nod, I lights a Vesuvius match, pitched it through the division, let it fall on his beard, and then dodged down again and told the people in my carriage what I had done, and why I did it, and they all entered into the joke as good-nai^ured as you please. In less than half no time, I heard an awful row between the two I had left in the next division ; both were singing out murder at the top end of their voices. Skye terrier woke up, feeUng the frizzleing his beard, and thought *tother fellow had been tryin to cut his throat, so he yelled out murder, made a spring at sick man, caught him by the neckcloth, and nearly choked him, while invalid thinking he was mad, and expecting to be killed right off, squeaked out murder too. There they were, like two dogs, standin on their hind legs, showin' their teeth, snarHn', Bnappin', and biting like all possessed. * " Your beard is afire," said Paleface. " It was you that did it, then," said Skye. " No, it warn't," said I, looking over the division that separated us, " it's spon- taneous combustion. The spirit of the Cologne has set the bear's grease in a flame, shut your mouth, or it will burn your innerds. Here's my Arkansas toothpick, stranger, give Skye a dig in the ribs with it, or he'll be the death of you. No, stand on one side, I'll give him a shot with my revolver, he is as mad as a polar bear dancin on hot iron. I knew he was crazy when I first see'd him, he's dodged his keeper, and slipt out of an asylum. Creation ! Man, says I to Skye, why don't you put out the fire that's frizzlin your beard ? You look for all the world like a pig that's gettin his bristles singed off." Then we all set up a great shout at him, and even Paleface laughed. *When we stopped at the station, he charged me with smoking, and invalid with setting fire to him ; but we both agreed and aflfirmed he was an escaped lunatic, II THE LIVING AND THE DEAD. 245 pale-faced uictly and Arter a were still ch, pitched I, and then ly carriage all entered In less en the two inging out eye terrier id thought •oat, so he an, caught him, while ing to be [here they hind legs, biting like t was you I't," said I, "it's spon- has set the or it will toothpick, or he'll be I give him polar bear hen I first out of an why don't ird ? You lis bristles ut at him, larged me ) him ; but ed lunatic, and everybody larfed like any thing, and there we left him, lookin ^ike a caution to a singed cat. If he wam't a madman, when he came nito the cf^rriage, I'll bo hanged if he didn't rave like one, when he left it. Why on airth can't people go through life like sensible folks I The voyage we have to make is soon over ; why not lay in a largo stock of good-humour, patience, and above all, consideration for the other passengers? Storms, tempests, accidents, and what not, will occur in spite of us; but why not enjoy fine weather, fair winds, and the fellowship of others, when we can I * That's my philosophy at any rate. It's no use for folks to stick themselves up above their fellow-travellers. High peaks are covered with ice and snow, and are everlasting cold. But the glades that lie at the foot of the mountains, bear grapes, and produce oranges, figs, and all manner of pleasant fruits. Them that hke to go up, and soar aloft with the eagles and vultures, are welcome to their cold perch and their grand views; but give me the brook and the valley, and the happy and genial folks that inhabit the lowlands.' ' A very pretty idea,' said one of the nieces. * And a very charming young lady that says so,* re- plied Peabody. * Tickets, if you please.* We all know what that means. The journey is over. cV 246 THE SEASON-TICKET. J No. X. ,J THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR; OR, QUAKERS AFLOAT AND ASHORE. After dining at the British Hotel, I sauntered as usual into the Bniokin<^-rooiu, where I found tlie Senator, Mr. Peabody, and many others, whom it was diffi- cult to distinguish in the fragrant cloud that filled the apartment. 'Well, Mr. Shegog,' said the Senator to me, ' the old and the new year are now about to shake hands together, as the Lord Mayor and his successor did on the 9th of November last. The former abdicated the throne, after a brief tenure of office, and surrendered his mace and hisignia to the new incumbent. Both he and his pageantry have passed away, and are already forgotten. His court, and his parasites alone remain, and they are transferred to the new magnate, who in his turn will play his part as civic sovereign, and in twelve short months retire and be lost among the crowd who have " passed the chair." What a picture of life is this ! At his official dinners, like those of royalty, are to be found ministers of Ktiite, foreign ambassadors, chancellors, judges, commanders-in-chief of the army, lords of the admiralty, et hoc genus omne. The guests praise and ridicule the possessor of power, as is their wont, and as soon as he is fundus officio pay the same courteous, but hisincere homage to his successor. An ex-Lord Mayor and a dethroned kuig know how to esti- mate mankind at their true value, better than any other people in the world. Those who condescend to accept the invitations, and receive the hospitahties of the former, affect, as soon as he retires into private hfe, to forget both him and liis name ; and those whom the latter delighted to honour, while they retain the rank 4 I I :k3 afloat red as usual tlio Senator, it was dilK- lat filled the Senator to out to shake lis successor ler abdicated surrendered it. Both he are already lone remain, late, who in eign, and in among the / a picture of e of royalty, imbassadors, ^ the army, The guests ', as is their ly the same cesser. An how to esti- r than any iidescend to jpitalities of private life, e whom tlie in the rank THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 247 and titles he conferred u[)on them, ascribe their suc- cess to their own merits, and feel that but Uttle grati- tude is duo for a mere act of justice. As the old year was, so will be the new. There is a general similarity in them all. One is marked by war, and another by peace : this by the death of a king, and that by the ac- cession of an heir or an usurper, and both are varied by an irregular course of monetaiy or poUtical panics — strikes — rebellions in the cast or west — refonn bills, agitators like O'Connell, Bright, Wat Tyler, and Smith O'Brien; shocking Irish assassinations, lamentable sui- cides, or awful shipwrecks. What has been will occur again annually.' » ' Zactly,' said Peabody, * but that only happens hi Europe. We are more sensible in our great countiy. What turns up this year in England, don't hai)pen in the United States but once hi four years; an' the things you have totted up as the uicidents of the past twelve months, are mere by-play there, and give just excitement enough to show that Jonathan is ahve. One administration it is true, follows anc^ther here, like a flock of geese, Indian file ; and f(jlks think the nation is getting ruined all the time. Now Derby is in, and some say England is going to the bad, for he won't give a vote to those he don't deem fit for it. Then Palmerston succeeds him, and t'other side vows that lie will upset everytliing, for he will lower the franchise below what is safe, and increase the number of repre- sentatives, so that no room in London wiU hold half of them. Then some say that Lord John Russell, who bids at a political auction (where long credit is given on renewable paper), like a feller that has no real capital to trade on, is going to destroy the constitution by letting in just as many outsiders as will swamp all the real estate in the kingdom, and to my mind they aui't far out in their reckonhig either. No man need tell me after seeing him, that bleeding ain't good for the hmnan frame. That man's feelings are so tender, and liis innards are so thin-skinned, his heart has been bleeding without stopping for thirty years for the unrepresented » I ,l| 218 THE SEASON-TICKET. f* *f class. It would have burst its boiler lonp^ ago, if tliat largo safety-valve hadn't Ix^eii fixed in him originally hard and fast. What a wonderfully constructed system he must have, for his heart to have sustained such a continued drain of blood from it; and, great as the demand has been, the supply has always been equal to it ! lie looks as well (indeed, some folks sav better) than ever he did. The tears also that ho has shed over small boroughs, esfK^eially those of the Tories, would actilly float a river steamer ; still there are fellers who say he is a dangerous and venturesome eritter, and that he is too small a man to wade into such troubled waterw as those of reform. Then there is John Bright, tiio Quaker, everybody says that fellow is a republican, double-dyed in the wool, and I believe he would revolu- tionize this country if it warn't for his temper — Quakers have no means to let off the steam hke other folku — its agin their creed to fight. If you give one on 'em a sock-dolager under the ear, he is in duty bound to turn round and say, " Try thy hand on the other side, my friend will you 1" They are made of the same stuff as other folks, and have the same feelingn and passions, and commonly are a little grain stronger, too, from being temperate and keeping good hours (for that saves both fire and candles) ; but tliey have, in a general way, to bite in their breath, and gulp down their rage ; and it nearly sets them hoppin', ravin', distracted mad. I have often expected to see them explode, for they have to look as calm and mild as if butter wouldn't melt in their mouths, and cheese wouldn't choke them. They can't relieve the pressure by swearing either, which I must say is a great privilege, for it's like a spoonful of cold water thrown into a maple sugar kettle, it stops the bilin' over in a minute. Nothin' does an angry man BO much good as that.' *Now, Mr. Peabody,' said the Senator, * don't talk nonsense that way ; you know I don't like to hear such assertions ; and more than that, you don't approve of that abominable practice yourseK. It is a shocking and disgusting habit; but, unlike most other objec- t f TlIK OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 249 apfo, if that m originally (!tod HyHtcm nod such a rcat aH tho It'll equal to tiav better) 18 shed over )rie8, would fellers who ;or, and that ibled waterw ]3right, tho republican, ould revolu- r — Quakers her folku — one on 'em y bound to other side, D same stuff nd passions, , too, from r that saves eneral way, rage; and ed mad. I • they have n't melt iu lem. They r, which I spoonful of e, it stops angiy man 'don't talk hear such approve of L shocking her objec- tionable things, it has not one redeeming quality about it.* * I am not approving of it,' ho replied, * as you well know. I am only talking of it as a man of tho world ; but when you say it has no one rede(;ming quality about it you go to the other extreme,' and he gave mo a sly wink, to intimate that ho was only drawing his friend out for his amusement. ' It does let .he steam off, that's a fact. Now, hot ivm in not a edeeming thing, as you call it, and yet it \\ np:>-S8arv to burn out the pyson of a snake. But for the maf^ur of that, I have heard as good a Quaker as ever yoa see, one of the real Foxites (and there could not have been .w bettor founder for that sect than a Fox, for they arr» i k sly as e'er a Reynard that ever cleared a h(;n-roo .t;, swc^r like a Mississippi rowdy, make your h .,=j .stand on e. ««, and stiffen it so, you could no more jmo>th it than a grove of pines. I have, upon my soul.' ''Mr. Peabody, all I can say,' rejoined the Senator (and he appeared by the emphatic way he used tho word Mister to intimate that he disapproved of his style of conversation), ' all I can say is, he must have been an impostor and not a real member of the Friends, for a more moral, discreet, and respectable sect is not to bo found in our great nation. Although I differ from them in their religious notions, I entertain the highest opinion of them, both individually an ollectively. So universal, indeed, is this feeling among us, that unprincipled people 'dopt their dress and use their phraseology for the pur- pose of deception, kno^ 'ng that, as a body, they are men of great probity . ud that the word of a Quaker is as good as his bond.' * Yes,' said Peabody ; ' but if his bond is no good, and his word is equal to that, how much is his word worth ? Try it by the Rule of Three, and the answer is nil. Now, were you acquainted with old Jacob Coffin, of Nantucket, the great whaler? * I was,' said the Senator, ' and a more honourable, upright, and pious man was not to be found in the United States. I do not know any one that stood t' ' \ m 250 THE SEASON-TICKET. ill ' liighcr in the estimation of the jmblic, or of the Society, of which he was a member and an honour.' ' Well,' said Peabody, ' the way he Bwore was a caution to a New Orleans witness, and they can swear throug-h a nine-inch plank. I liave heard a western stage-driver go it: and it isn't every one that can ditto him, I can tell you; well, he could afford to give them four moves a-liead, and bqat them both at their own game. I'll exi)lain to you how I found him out. A sailor, you know, always fancies farming, for it is the natural occupation of man — ploughing the deep turns his mind to })lougliing the land. lie gets tired of the ocean arter a while, and longs for terry finny, and he has visions of a cottage with a nice verandah to walk in in wet weather, or to enjoy his cigar, and a splendiferous gall for a wife, with cheeks of wliite and red roses crushed on them — perfection of com- plexion — ^in rig, a rael fore and after, and in fines a doll of a clipper, aU love and affection for old Whalebone to splice with. Then he imagines a brook, with pastures leading down to it, and cows comuig and asking to be milked, and four-year-old sheep turning up their great heavy fat rumps to him to admire their mutton. lie indulges the idea that he is to have a splendid avenue of Pole beans from the front gate to the cottage, and his bungalow, as he caUs it (for he has been in the East Indies), is to be covered with Virginia creeper and the multiflora rose ; and he fancies an arbour in his garden shaded with hops, where he can invite an old sea-sarpant of a captain like himself, who has doubled Cape Horn and the Cape of Good Hope times without number, to come and converse with him (which means swapping lies and getting half drunk). Then he sees in the picture he has drawn, some little harpooners such as he was once himself, with rosy cheeks and curling locks hanging- down their backs (before the horrid quaker sheep-shears clip them off), running about him, asking to sit on his knee and listen to his yarns about the flying Dutchman, savages that eat naughty childi'cn, the rivers of Jamaica THE OLD AND THE NEAV YEAR. 251 the Society, 1 vorc was a they can ve heard a every one 1, he could boat them o you how ;^ay8 fancies of man — phmg-hing tin arter a has visions walk in •'ar, and a s of wliite on of cora- 1 hnes a doll hale bone to dth pastures asking to be J their groat luitton. He id avenue of ige, and his in the East 2])(iv and the 11 his garden sea-sarpant Cape Horn number, to vapping lies L the picture I as he was cks hanging iheep-shears sit on his ;* Dutchman, } of Jamaica that are all pure rum, and the hills that are real clarified white sugar. Then he prides himself on the notion that he is to astonish his neighbours, that he is to have a eheep or two hi the pasture from the Cape, with tails so heavy that they will require a little pair of wheels to carry them, a Brahmin cow that gives no milk, a Thibet goat whose fleece is something between wool, cotton, silk, and hair, and a Lapland deer that the natives use to draw their* sleighs with, while the hall of his bun- galow is to be decorated with stuffed birds, beautiful conch shells, Chinese idols. South Sea weapons, and foreign pipes of all sorts, sizes, and tubes. Well, Jacob Coffin used to keep himself warm, when his ship was frozen up in the north, a-thinking of this ideal gall and all this castle building, and arter coming home with a'most a noble cargo of sperm ile and whalebone, and feeling rich and sponsible, and able to carry out his plans, he puts his affairs into a shi})broker's hands, and off he goes full chisel on a courtin trij) to Philadelphia, (Pennsylvania, you know, is the head-quarters of the Friends, tho' some on 'em are what we call wet Quakers, too ; that is, not overly strict about dress,) and he picks out a'most a heavenly splice, and marries her right off the reel. She was too young for him by a long chalk, but he consaited he warn't too old for her, a mistake elderly gents often make ; and this I will say, a more angeleferons critter was not to be found in all the uni- versal United States. No, not even in Connecticut itself, which is famed all over the world for its galls and its pumpkins. Lick, warn't she a whole team and a horse to spare, making a man's heart beat so to look at her, as to bust his waiscoat buttons off. Oh, Jerusalem, what perfection of .female beauty she was ! You could have tracked her aU the way from Philadelphia to Nan- tucket, for everybody was talking of the beautiful blooming Quakeress that old Dead Eyes the Whaler had married. Well, as soon as he got home, he bought a farm, and built his bungalow, and realized the visions that had haunted him during many a long voyage, and many a long night on the ocean. Well, things all went ..i 11 i 252 THE SEASON-TICKET. :! I ) a on smooth and comfortable as far as the world could see. She developed into a ntill handsomer woman, until she grew into an an^el a'most ; and he grew prouder and more pompous tliaii ever, only folks thought he was more strict and more rigid, and a little grain crosser. lie looked as sweet as ever tho', wlien he showed in public ; but even sweet cider will ferment and tuni so hard you have to hold your breath while you swaller it, for fear it would cut your throat. Well, what onder the sun is the use of dreams, for in a general way they certainly do go by contraries ; at all events, it was so with Jacob Coffin. The verandah he expected to nave enjoyed so much was built of gi-een wood, and shrunk so like old Scratch, it leaked like a sieve, and he couldn't make no use of it in wet weather ; the scarlet-runners only took to runnin' when the heat of summer was over ; the hop-arbour was so damp it gave him the ague, and he couldn't sit in it ; the roses and Virginia creeper harboured ice, lice, and mice, and turned out a regular- built nuisance ; while his neighbour's dogs killed his Cape sheep, and the Lapland deer jump'd the fence and raced off due north, for them and wild geese know the points of compass, by nateral instinct ; the Brahmin cow had to be shot, for it had killed one of his children ; the brook took it into its head to rebel, burst its bounds, and floated off his hay and oats, and all his little water- wheels for turning his grindstone, churning his butter, and so on ; and his four-year-old wethers were stolen by the steward of a New York coaster that put in there for sh( Her. There was no eend to his troubles. His young harpooner during his absence made playthings of his idols, stuffed birds, and other trophies ; his wife had the ague when he got home, and was so cold she did nothing but shiver and chatter ; and he was so cross- grained and unkind to her, she gave up her thee's and thou's," and took to calling him an old Grampus, a spouting-whale, a black fish, a solan goose, and a boatswain bird, with a marlin spike stuck into him behind instead of a tail. The last time he returned from Baffin's Bay he found the young Quakeress had Id could see. n, until she )rouder and ght he wa.B ain Grosser, e showed in and turn so u swaller it, at onder the way they !, it was so ted to nave and shrunk he couldn't -riot- runners ;r was over ; ague, and inia creeper it a rcgular- llcd his Cape 30 and raced tv the points nin cow had liildren ; the ; its bounds, Httle water- : his butter, were stolen put in there ubles. His laythings of lis wife had cold she did IS so cross- r thee's and jrrampus, a 3se, and a c into him le returned kercss had THE OLD AND THE NEW YEAR. 253 gone on a voyage of discovcvy on her own hook. She was on the boards at New ()i l(;o ns, and had changed her name cend for oond from Cofhii to Madam Fincoff ; she was the stew of the south (' And deserved the stripes^* said the Senator, sternly). VVell, old Jacob had to gulp all this down, for he was a Qvaker ashore then. If he had been to sea at the time, depend upon it he would have ripped out some words that ain't easy to translate into Enghsh, I can tell you. I can't say I pitied old Broadbrim much either, for youth is youth, and age is age, and they don't harmonize well together in matri- mony. Youth has its pleasures as well as its duties ; but age don't sympathize with the pursuits of the other. It wants to make it consider duty a i)leasure ; and that ain't in the natur of things to unite them in one. Duty first and pleasure after ; or, pleasure first and duty after, just as you like. But come what will, relaxation and recreation must be allowed. Quakers, like Jacob CoflSn, think women were made for them, and them only, and not for themselves at all. Now, Eve was made not to work for Adam, because things grew spontanaceously in their garden, but to keep him company and to talk to him ; and if there was anything to do, depend upon it she coaxed or smiled, or cried or worried him into it. It was " Adam put the kettle on" in those days, and not " Polly," as in our time. She had a tongue given her for the speciiii purpose of beguihng his weary hours with chat, and one that could lubricate itself, and go on for ever without stopping. Now, Jacob ought to have thought of this before he married that gall. He might have known if you put a young colt into a stall, tie it up and feed it there, first its fetlocks take to swellin*, and then its legs, and then its appetite goes, and it pines away to a skeleton. You must turn it out to grass, and let it kick up its heels. It is innocent play natur intends for it. He ought to have borne in mind what that poor thing had to endure, that knew she was the queen of beauty and the queen of hearts too, stored up in such an outlandish place as that. If he had had a heart in him, he might have recollected that he had transplanted 254 TITK SKASON-TICKET. that bloomlri' rose tree from tlio sunny hanks of tlio Delcware, into t!u> cold soil and oncon<>'cnial climate of Nantucket ; that he left her alone there six months in the year to pine like a hird in a cage, or to iiutter against its bars, in a jilace, too, wliere she only saw snuffy old olivc-colonred mew, or dral)l)y, grubby, weather-beaten old women — broad-brimmed ongainly hats, or horrid old poke bonn<^ts, only lit for cats to kitten in, and when; she lieard nothen but the price of sperm or whalebone, or sugar or molasses, or the degene- racy of the age, and the idleness of the maidens. That if she went into the town, she was nearly pysoned by the crew of some newly-arrived whaler, whose clothes and yeller cotton water-proofs smelt so of ile, she expected the flames of spontaneous combustion to break out cvciy minute, while they, in their turn, stared at her as sailors only can stare, who are accustomed to strain their eyes looldn' out a-head for reefs, shoals, or icebergs. Ts it any wonder she got out of the cage and flew off south? To my mind it was the most nateral thing in natur. ' That is the pictur of the Quaker ashore, but when I saw him he was " a Quaker afloat," and that's a critter of another colour, you may depend. I'll tell you how I came to see him on board of his ship. It was just arter the vamoosing of his wife. The Governor of the State of Maine, who is a great lumberer on the Kenebec, and employs a regiment of loggers in the winter a cutten and a haulen of spars and \m\c butts to the head- waters of that river, and also the St. John's (indeed the Timber vote put him in os governor), wrote to m(5 to buy him some very peeowerful heavy cattle for his business. Having heard that old Jacob Coflin had two yoke of splendiferous oxen, away I went to Njintucket, as fast as I could, for fear he would be off before I could get there. As soon as I arrived, I went straight to his " bungalow." It was kept by his sister, an old maid, who looked like a dried apple that had been halved, cored, plpt, and hung in the sun to dry, to make her- keep for winter sauce ; stew her in cider, and she might auks of tlio III climate of ix inoiitliH in »r to H utter ilie only saw l).y, grubby, ('(I ong-ainly for cats to the price of the degenc- le maidens, irly })yHoned ^hose clothes of ile, she ion to break n, stared at ustomed to i, shoals, or he cage and nost nateral but when I it's a critter II you how I •IS just arter of the State 'enebec, and er a cutten I lead- waters thi) Timber to buy hini is business. wo yoke of ;ket, as fast I could get iglit to his m old maid, L^en halved, ) make her i she might. TIIK OLD AND THE NEW YEAK. 253 become Roft, and with the aid of Muscovado sugar, might be made (if not sweet — for that was onposaibU^ tender enough for a tart. Lord, what a queer-lookin critter she was, skin and bone was never luilf so thin. She wore a square poke; bonnet as big as a coalscuttle, to avoid tlie stares of admiring young Quakers, and to save her conij)lexion as a nigger wench does a parasol to avoid bron/in her skin. It was ontied onder the chin, and set loose to keep off the dust, llcr skin was the colour of a smoked, dried salmon, and her teeth, which stod out apart from each other, as if each was afraid the other would make love to it, resembled rusty nails sticking into a fence-i)ost arter the rail had fallen off from decay. Her nose was ])inched as tight as if it had just come out of a vice ; her chin turned up short and economical, like a napkin to i^otect her dress while eating. The pupils of her eyes were large and of a gray colour, and had the power of contraction like those (jf a cat. Her upper lip was graced with a few black strag- gling hairs that described a curve, and then looked as if they had taken root again, like the branches of a Banyan tree. Iler gown was tucked up on each side into a wisp, and run thro' her poc;ket-holes, disclosing a shining green shalloon petticoat. Her stockings were home-made, with open worked clocks, that displayed to admiring eyes the red morocco skin underneath ; while her shoes, manufactured at Salem (what Quakeress would wear one that wam't made there ?), fitted tight, and had high heels (all small women wear them — they put them up higher in the world). Ifer breast was covered with transparent starched muslin, thro' which you could see a mahogany-coloured flat chest — she was a caution to a scare-crow, I tell you. Thinks I, " old gall, if you would take off your ongainly bonnet and stick it under your gown belnnd for a bustle, or stiffen out your petticoats like a Christian, or put on half a dozen of 'em, as the French galls to Canada do, it would improve every- thing but your mug most micommonly, for now you look for all the world like a pair of kitchen tongs, all legs and no body, and a head that is as round as a cannon-balL t m V s i t If 'I 256 THE SEASON-TICKET. " How arc you, aunty ?" sais I. " I am not thy aunt," she said, " what docs thee mean ?" " It's merely a word of concihation," sais I, " it's a way I have ; I always use kind words to every one." " Thee had better use words of truth," she replied. There was no danger of any fellow running off with her to New Orleans, I tell you, for old Jacob, like many other fools, had run from one extreme to another. While I was a thinkin this in- tarnally, she began to talk to herself aloud — "What dirty people Jacob brings here," she said, "before he goes to sea — what a mess the house is in ! it will take a week to clean it up and make it look tidy again : I must call the maiden Kuth, to set things to rights ;" and she screamed out at the tip eend of her voice, " Kuth-ee — Ruth-ee-ec," — in one long-continued yell, like that of a hysena. Gracious ! it rang in my ears for a week. Then she seized a broom and leaned on it as she stood in the middle of the sanded floor, which was covered with the eends of cigars, tobacco, broken pipes, and all sorts of nasty things, for she had no idee of defihn* her bettermost room with its boughten carpets, by lettin' common folks into it. She was a parfect picture, I assure you, as she stood there on the centre of the room a restin' on her broom. " What may thy business be, friend ?" she said. " I am not a friend," sais I, " but a stranger ; thee had better use words of truth," giving her back her own imperance. " Well, stranger," then she said, not colouring up, for her natural complexion was deeper than blushes or blood rushes, "what may thy business be?" "To see the man the world calls Jacob Coffin," sais I. " Then theo had better make haste," she replied, " for he is going to sea, and is getting up his sails now. Look out of the window, and thee will see the ship." With that she began in an all-fired hurry to sweep away like mad, and she raised such a cloud of dust it was a caution to a whirwind — it nearly choked me ; so I walked up to her to shake hands and bid good by, but the dust got into my eyes and nose, and I sneezed like a buffalo in a di'iftin' sand. If, was a rael snorter, I tell you. Lord ! I THE OLD AND THE XEW YEAK. 2'U •t thy aunt/' n'cly a word I always use 31' use words igcr of any s, I tell you, im from one ikin this in- ud— « What "before he it will take dy again: I 1 to rights ;" I her voice, itinued yell, my ears for led on it as r, which was >roken pipes, . no idee of iten carpets, ,s a parfect the centre hat may thy t a friend," [se words of ce. " Well, up, for her es or blood To see the " Then theo 3 is going to : out of the th that she y hke mad, caution to a ed up to her ust got into buffalo in a jrou. Lord ! it blew her great dingy bonnet right slap off her head, loosened her hair (which was only twisted up and fastened with a comb), and let it down on her shoulders, like the mane of a wild Pampas horse. It nearly threw her over, for she staggered back till the wall fetched her up, and there she stood and glared at me like a tigor ; but she was clear grit and no mistake ; she never said a word, but bit in her breath and choked her tcmi)er down, and she didn't swear, tho' she looked unconnnoiily Uke doing so, and no mortal man will ev(»r make me believe, when she was alone with lier Quaker liouse-help, that she didn't let the steam off with a rash — at last, she called out again to the maiden, " Kuth-ee, Ruth-ee-ee." Her voice was as shrill as a railway whistle — it fairly pierced the drum of my ears. I couldn't stand it twice, so I cut stick and off hot foot for the liarbour. She was in a blessed humour, I tell you, and if Ruth hadn't a tempestical time of it that day, then there are no snakes in Varginy. AVhen I reached the harbour, I got a boat and pushed off for the whaler "Quahog," the anchor of which they were just heaving up. When I went below into the cabin, there was Jacob, the very pictur of (Christian meekness, forgiveness, and resignation, a writing a letter for the crew (^f a shore-boat to take back with them. AVhen he had written it, he turns to me and says, "AVell, friend Peabody, what may thy business be ? — be quick, for we are just off." So I ups and tells him I wanted his big black yoke of oxen, and the speckled pair also, and asked him the price. " Two hundred and fifty dollars a yoke," sais he, " thee can't ditto them nowhere in all the United States, for beauty, size, weight, and honest draught." "I can't give it,' I replied. " No harm done," sais he ; and while we were chaffering he peels off his white choker and replaces it with a coarse yarn comforter, doffs his broad-brim and puts on a torpolin nor'-wester ; his drab vest and slips on a calf-skin waistcoat dressed with the hair on ; his straight-collared, cut-away drab coat, with large buttons, and mounts a heavy blue pea-jacket. It must have been made, I guess, by a Chinese tailor, for tl;o' s i' U' 258 'J' 1 1 !■: s 1 ; A SON -TIC u i:t. bnui now, it liiul a lar^e }>{ilcli of llic Hnum dotli on cudi ('U)ow ; tlieii ho ulips olT liirt olivc-colomcd hrccfhcs, uiul dniWH on a tliick coarse pilot pair of tronscrs, and over tlicni ntont and inonntrouH licavy lislicnnan's boots, "('oinc he (piick," said Ik,', "what will Ihcc o-ivc t\vcnty-Hvc dolhirs a .yoke," sais 1, *' and it'H tlio final bid, and liicy arc to be paid for on yonr niturn." "• Done," said he, ''• write out tiie order for dehvcry, and I'll si^^n it." Well, then he unlocks a ^'reat K(!a-chc8t, and takes out a ]>air of "•knuckle-dusters" and putB iluMu on to his slccl^c-hannner lists ' 'What an^ thoy, Mi'. Teabody ?' J inquired, 'for in ull my travels 1 never saw or heard of such gloves as those.' 'Why,' said Peabody, 'they are jointed iron thnigs that strap on to the back of the hands, and extend over the knuckles, having- knobby i)r()jections on them. Inside they are lined with leather to save your own b(meswhen 3^ou strike with tliem. They are awful persuadiu's, 1 tell you, and leave your brand wherever you strike — skin, tlesh, and cheek-bone givi^ way before them, as if they were maslu>d by a hannner. Well, when he had fitted on those black kids, and bucklc^d on a waist-belt, there he stood lookin' a plaguy sight more like a pirate than a Quaker, 1 tell you. Then he roared out in a voice of thunder — " Steward ! steward ! — ])ass the word forward there for tlu^ stinvard." rresently, in runs the critter, like a dog that's whistled for, answerin' all the way as he came — '' Ay, ay, sir." " You darned lubberly rascal," said old Jacob, "what's tlu^ I'cason. you ain't making ready for my breakfast?" The fellow was dumbfounded and awfully taken aback, like a vessel under full sail when the w^ind shifts round on a sudden, and she is thinking of going down stern foremost, lie was fairly onfacki- lized; he couldn't believe in the transmogrification he saw, of the sleek, composed, neat-dressed, smooth- faced, .^/ff^/r-z/o?';/,*/ QiKih'r, into the slaver-like captain that stood before him, dressed as a '•'' Quaker ajloat.^^ If he couldn't trust his eyes neither could he believe his ears, for the cattle?" "Two hundred and \ Hiiino cloth ivo-colourod )il()i })air of rouH licavy lie, "vvliiit inndrod and it'H tli(! liiial )ur n^tiini." Iclivcry, and it Hcni-cliost, i" and putB irod, 'for in jh ji,-loves as . iron tilings extend over :heni. Inside 1 bones when iiadcu's, 1 tell strike — skin, n, as if they le had fitted ^t-belt, there a pirate than in a voice of ^vord forward IS the critter, U the way as berly rascal," ain't making dumbfonnded full sail when e is thinking "airly onfacki- grilication he sed, smooth- captain that [fJoatr If he lieve his ears, TIIK (U,I> AM) TlIK Ni;\V M.AI.'. 1\j9 s when he heard the good man swear. He stood starin' like a stuck ])ig, with his mouth wide ojuiu. "Do you liear me," said Jacob, in a v()i(;(^ that must hav(; reaclied his sist(!r's ears ashore, and he stamped on the cabin- lloor with his hob-nailed boot, in a way that you • )uld se(^ the j)rint of it as plain as a wood-cut. "Fricjiid," said he, a imitatin of himself when ashore, and lowcjrin' his tone, as he must have done when courtin,' "let me wak(; the(^ up, for v(nily thee is asleep," and he hit him a blow with his knuckhi-dusters under the ear, that not only knock(Hl him down, but made him turn a somerset; and as he threw up his l(!gs in going over he fi^tched him a kick with th(; toe of his heavy boot that was (snough to crush his crupper bone. "Cuss your ugly ])ictur," he said, "I'll teach you how to wake snakes and walk chalks, I know before our voyage is ended." You may depend the steward didn't remain to stiire a second time, but puttin' one hand whei'e he got the blow, and the other where he got the kick, he abs(]uotu- lated in no time, singing cmt as he mounted the steps, ])en and ink, like a dog that's hit with a stone. "What do you think of that, old boss ?" said he, addressin' me. "I think the si)lrit moved you that time, and no mis- take," sais I, " but it was the spirit of the devil ; you are the first swearing Quaker I ever saw, and I hope I shall never set eyes U}>on another. Creation, man, what made you act arter that fashion, to that poor inof- fensive crittur? If I was to take my davy of what I have seen when I went ashore, no livin' soul would believe me." " Friend Peabody," said he, " did thee ever see a '•Quaker afjmt' before?" "Never," said I. "So I thought, or thee would not be surprised." " Friend," he re})lied, " our sect is a religious denomina- tion." " So I should think," said I ; but he went on, "a meek, peaceable, passive, resistant, long-suffering people." "If that steward," sais I, "goes to Baffin's Bay along with you, he'll beat any Quaker in all creation in long suffering, and no mistake." He smiled, but went on, " It is a sect that pertaineth to the land and not to the sea. A ' friend ' is no more fit to command a s 2 m 200 Tin: SKASON-TICKKT. / ' , '<> sliip tlian a biHliop. Boili arc out of place afloat, liawii h1(hw('h woiiltl first <;'ot coviM'cd with tar, and then ho Mown into ribbons, aiul a broad-brininKMl hat wonld fly ov(M-board in no time. Whon afloat wo innst dispense* with our land-tacks, and lay aside oin* distinctive dress. We are amonj;' a dilTercMit race from thosc^ who inhabit cities or till tluj land. \V(; live amidst perils and storms, and reefs and breakers. A minute sometimes saves n ship or wrecks her. We have no time for circumlocu- tion, and thee-in^ and thou-in*;'. We must speak short, quick, and commandin/j;", and use words sailors do, pr T ever strike; a man ; it's ag-ainst my pruiciples." " Well, if that don't cap the sheaf," sais I, "it's a ])ity that's all. AVhy man alive, didn't you first knock that poor steward down, head over heels, and then kick him like a wicked boss when he is just shod." " No," he said ; "'I only woke him up with a push, and shoved him for- ward, and what you call a kick was merely intended t lift him up on his feet. But come, have you written that delivery order yet?" "Yes," sais I; "'tis don(% put your signature to it." Well, serein' what an old cantin scoundrel he was, T thought I'd take a rise out of him for fun, so I worded the delivery order thns — " Friend Pcabody having settled with me f(n- the black and speckled yoke of oxen, this is to authorize him to take them into his possession." lie run his eye over the paper hastily, and then signed it, and then said, "Jf thee don't want to go to Baffin's Bay with me, bundle nj) the companion ladder like wink, and be off, for wo sro onder weigh." So I ups quick stick, and he comes stumping arter me with his heavy boots, clamp, clamp, as heavy as a string of loaded jack-asses over a plank bridge, make all shake agin. As I came near the side (> -•^'JtLwi nllosit. Lawn r, iuul tlioii ho 1 liat would lly niust dispenses stiiictivo (lr(»SK. s(» who inliabit lis and Ktonns, ctinu's savcH ;% for cirounilocu- iHt speak short, sailors do, pro- doin^i;" this n<» 'hy what ondcr I, "dichi't yoir \r "Novor." if not a wicked 1 is a very dif- ining". Nor do iples." "Wc^ll, H a ])ity that's lock that poor 1 kick him like " No," he said ; loved him for- 'ly intended to 'V, you written I; "'tis don(\ i' what an old :ake a rise out r order thus — 5 for the black thorize him to is eye over the :hcn said, "If me, bundle U)) off, for we an^ and he comes clamp, clamp, 3 over a plank near the side Tin: ou) AM) Tin: ni:\v ykau. 201 f. • >r tlio sliip where the man-ropes were, he pive me a blow on the back (which he calle(l a shove) that nearly dislo- ciited my shoulder, and all but sent me head-first into the boat. Fortunately, the vessel was hove to for me by the mate, who was a towny of mine, or my boat would have been swamped, for there was a fresh breeze a-ffoin^ at the time. '' P'are thee well, friend," said he, as ho leaned over the taffrel rail. "Peace be with the Jacob," said I, for my dander was up; "I hope 1 may never see your riintin', (^heatin', hypocritical, lyin' face af^in. VViiether b(!ars eat bears or not, I don't know, but if tliey do, 1 hope a grizzly will chaw you up some fine morning for I)reakfa8t as a caution to sinners ; but if you ever return, tlierc is one thiiiji? 1 don't owe you, and one thinf^ 1 do." *• What may they be?" said lie, in his blandest voice, lliat was so mild it would entice a fox into a trap amost. "First,"! sais I, "I don't owe you for the oxen, for the deUvery order contains a receipt; 2ndly, 1 do owe you aquiltin, and 1 am the boy that's able to j^ive it to you, too, that's a fact ; if I don't dust your drabs for you, if ever I come across you, then my name ain't I'eabody, that's all." AVell if he didn't shake his knuckle ( lusters at me, and swear, then I don't know what pro- fanity is. As I pulled away from the ship, he turned round and gave ord(!rs to s(piare the yards, and I saw him push two of the men to huriy them on, and it's very odd, both on 'em fell flat on their faces on the deck, and had to pick themselves up before they could !l;*o ahead ; and that's the man you describe " as mor<^ honest, honourable, and pious, than any Quaker you over saw."' ' And pray,' said the Senator, ' what has this long , squan* tin* yards, i^ooff ht'forc llio wind, jiiid you wouldn't jj;(.'t out of tlu; nicet- iii'-liouKC! before? dark. Voii wan Hayin' on« year was like another in a general way, and I waa Hliowin' von that folks here thou;^ht they were K^i'^K" ^^^ ^''^' hacl all the time, whih; we oidy travelled that road once in foiu- years. I had got down as far as iiright, and I said a Quaker like liini who had to bite in his hrcuith, and ehoke down his anger, wasn't the best politician in the world, for he eonldn't let off the steam by swearin. Well, thafH the point at which you stopped me, and got that l(»Mg rambling story for your pains. Now, I'll begin where I left off; but tak(? warning, — don't stop nie agin unless you want to be talked dead. Bright wants to give the poor all the right to vote, and the; rich all the rigiit to pay the taxes; ami it is a ))rettier scheme than he is aware of. The experiment is in operation at New York at this very moment. The Irish and foreign emigrants have the majority in a giMieral way, and unite in a body as one man. They vote the money, and the wealthy citizens have to pay it ; and where does it all go ? Why, in jobs. The cash is raised, but there iti nothing to show for the expenditure. The taxes arc ftiarful: if you was to add uj) th(! total amount of all the imposts, th(; result would astonish you, I can tell you. And if Bright was settled there, he would, like an apprentice in a pastrycook's shop, soon get tired of the sweets of his own pet scheme — that's a fiu;t. In addition to all this is the indirect tax levied at the Custom House. Our National Income, Senator, you know well enough, sounds small, and the ex[)enditure economical, because we merely take the Federal Government account, and salaries of public officers which look as cheap as bull beef at one cent a pound ; but add to that the taxes of all the separate states and corporations, and you will lind it as costly a government as there is in the world. Bright takes the superficial view that all people do who don't understand the country. They pick out the cheap parts, compare them with similar ones in Europe, and say that ic yanlH, ^^ooff I "*' tll(! iiicct- ouo, ycur was IS .sliowin' yon to tlic bucl Jill iul oiKH' in four t, HI 1(1 I Hiiid a !iitli, and clioko 1 in tli(! world, ". Well, M«/'.., ^•ot that 1(»M<;' bc^nn where I lie agin unless wantH to give h all the right cnie than he i« 1 at New York 'ign enn'grants [mite in a body d the wealthy ii^ it all go? but there m riie tax(>s are omit of all the can tell you. onld, like an t tired of the t. In addition nstoni House, well enough, lical, because account, and ;heap as bull fc the taxes of I you will find ^orld. Briglit do who don't 3 cheap parts, and say that Tin: oi.I) AND TIIK NKW VKAi:. 263 Ih a sample of the whole. W^-ll, timid politicians hen; that don't know much more than ho does, are frightened to death at him, and liord John Knssell, and others I Hay, give 'em rofx; enough and they will hang thefusidves. Reform, as far as I ean see, is the {)olitical l)md say th(! eoinitry is going to tlu; devil. Well i hav(!h<'ard that erytohomo long b(!fore I saw England, and yet W(! go ahead, and England go(^s ahead in spite of such (U'itters ; W(! ean't help prosperin. The oidy differeiu e between the two eountries is, as I hav(! said, p<', wc; only think so once in four years. I shall never forget what Unctle I'eleg said to uu\ once: — " Neph," said lie, "I used to take great interest in politics once, but 1 liav(^ given it U}) now. It don't matter a cent I see, who is up, or who is down ; then* ain't mncli to choose? among our political i)arties ; ))elf, piekings, and patronage, salaries and offiees, is all either of them care for. When Jefferson was elected, sais I to myself, the; country is ruinatleg,' says she, 'what on airtli is the matter; have you been runncd over?' 'No,' sais I. 'Have you had a fall, dear ? ' ' No, it ain't that.' ' Then what is it, love ? ' ' The nation is ruinated, Jeff — Jeff — Jeffer- son is elected, and the rep — rej) — republic has gone to the dcv — vil.' ' Oh, I see,' said she, 'you are in a fair way to go to him yourself, acting in that prepostuloas manner. Who cares whether Jefferson is elected or not ?' she continued, ' I am sure I don't ; what is it to the latriotic toasts, 2yc\s atarein six like a liead of 'IIullo,' says ho is dead, mid , strikiiip^ the ) fiflasses jing-lc 1 siiiiHu- Jeffer- f one,' and lie '11 is ruinated, rn Tliere o minutes, we L^ Hp to/jcether : never fought had never re- jrincipled man Adams ; ' and one for ever. ;• perdition to over the old tlie brunt of ^resident this locked down, bed." " Are 8 I. "Quite aken, I won't will do that, sure I wasn't it happened, mt Nabby to the matter; s I. 'Have ' Then what Jeff— Jeffer- has gone to are in a fair )ropostulGas 3ted or not V is it to the TIIK OLD AM> Tin: NKW TKAK. 2G5 like of us? You mv. intosticatcd, Peleg, as sure as the world.' ' No I ain't,' sals I ; ' its only grief, Nabby dear, my heart is broke.' ' Is that all, you goney ? ' says she, ' it's lueky your precious neck ain't broke;' and she called tlie nigger lielps, and hauled me oil to bed, and the way slu; tumbled me in wasn't the way she put up her best <.I)iney tea set, 1 can tell you. Oh, 1 couldn't have bt;en drunk, nepliy, for I recollected every word that passed. AVeil, next morning I woke up, none of the earliest I can tell you, with a thuuderhi headache, and my heart een a'most broke. I called, and called ever so loud, before I could make any one hear me. At last up came your aunt, lookin as fierce as a she-cat facin a dog. ^What's all that noise?' says I. 'The girls at their spinnin wheels,' said she. ' Stop them,' sais I, ' it's no use now ; Jefferson is elected, and the country is ruin- ated.' Gracious how her eyes flashed at that; she stooped down, seized the bed-clothes just und(»r my chir, dragged them right off, and threw them all into the corner of the room. ' Now get up this instant minute, and go and look after the spring-work, or we will Ix) ruined in airiiest.' ' It's no use,' said I, ' if Adams had got in, the country would have been saved. He was the father of the country ; but Jefferson ! Oh dear, th(^ jig Is up now. You thought I was drunk last night, but 1 wasn't; and you see 1 am not tipsy now. I tell you we are done for.' Well, she altered her course, and sat down on the bed alongside of me, and said, ' Dear Peleg, if you love me, don't talk nonsense. Let us reason it out.' (And this, I think, Eplie, you must have found out, that women, though they like to sail before the wind, know how to tack too, when it's a-head.) ' Now,' sais she, ' Peleg, dear, suppose John Adams, the mean, stingy, close-listed, cunning old lawyer had got in — you know you pay him fifteen cents a ton for the granite you take to Boston out of his quarry, at Quinsey ; suppose you went to him, and said, President, I did my possibles at your election for you, will you let me have it for twelve cents ? ' ' No ; 1 don't think he would,' said I. ' Well, I I ' If 1i.; / t1 i> A i i !.lf ' / V. I 5 It! I ! i ?■: I I i 200 THE SEASON-TICKET. you owe neighbour Burforcl two hundred dollars, sposin you went to Adams, and told him all your claims, and asked him to lend you that amomit to prevent Burford suing you, would he lend it to you? ' 'No; I don't think he would, imless I gave him a mortgage, and paid ever so much expenses.' ' Well, then, you see, he would do you no good. Now, Jefferson is in, and I won't gainsay you about his character: f(n* though he talks liberal about slaves, it's well known lie has sold some of his own half-caste children. Captain Card, of Red Bank, who goes every year to Cliarlestown, Virginia, with a cargo of onions, hams, and coffins, sais it's the common talk there.' ' Ain't that enough to ruin the risin gene- rai^ion ? ' sais I. ' No,' says she, ' but to ruin his own character. Well, now that he is in, what harm is he a- going to do to hurt you? Won't the corn ripen as usual ? ' ' Well, I sup[)ose it will, if the airly frost don't catch it.* ' Won't the cows give milk, and the sheep wool for shearing, as they used to did ? ' ' Well, I can't deny that.' ' And won't the colts grow up fit for market as before ? for every year we get more and more for our young horses.' * Well, I won't contradict you.' ' Won't our children grow up as fast ? ' ' Ah, there,' I said, 'is the rub ; they grow too fast now ; nine children in twelve years, as we have' 1 couldn't finish the sen- tence, she gave; it me first on one cheek, and then on the other, like wink, and then slic went to the wash- stand, got hold of the ewer, swashed the whole of the water mto my face, and cut off out < if the room, leaving iiic shivering and shaking like a feller in the ague. Well, it was the month of March, which you know in New England don't give the sun-stroke ; the bedclothes had been off for some time, and then came this cold bath, so I ups, dresses, and outs in no time. When I came down stairs, she was waitin for me in the entry. ' Peleg, dear,' said she, ' I want to say a word to you, come into this room ; here is amost a capital breakfast for you, tea, coffee, smoked salmon, crumpets, dough- nuts, preserved quinces, done by my own hands, and THE OLD AND THE NE^V YEAU. 2G7 dollars, sposin ur claims, and jvent Burford ; I don't think and paid ever , he would do won't gainsay talks liberal I some of his of Red Bank, rginia, with a s the common le risin gene- nun his own harm is he a- corn ripen as rly frost don't md the sheep ■ Well, I can't fit for market i more for our you.' 'Won't re,' I said, 'is ic children in finish the sen- and then on to the wash- whole of the room, leaving in the ague, you know in he bedclothes ime this cold me. When I in the entry, ^vord to you, tal breakfast pets, dough- 1 hands, and everything you used to like. There is one little favour, dear ' (and she puts her arms round my neck, and kissed me ; and who in the world can stand that, for I never could) ' Granted,' said I,' ' before you name it. What is it?' 'Never bother your head about elections; a vote is a curse to a man : it involves liim in politics, excites him, raises a bushel of enemies, and not one friend for him, and makes him look tipsy, as you did last nighty though you warn't the least in liquor.' 'I thank you for that, Nubby,' sais I, ' for I wasn't, I do assure you.* ' Of course not,' she said ; ' I see I was to blame in thinking you was. Let us mind our own business, and let others mind theirn. Whoever hoes his own row, gets the most corn.' ' I will,' sais I ; ' you will never hear me talk pohtics agm as long as I live, I can tell you.' 'Ah,' said she, 'what a sensible man you are, Peleg! your judgment is so good, you are so open to conviction, only place a thing before you.' 'As pretty as you, Nabby,' sais I, ' and it's all right.' Well, we had a sort of coiu'tin breakfast that mornin, and parted on excellent terms. I was the most sensible man in all creation, and she the loveliest ; and instead of fancying the country was going to the devil, we pitched both old Jefferson and old Adams to him. Since that, I have taken my wife's advice, and attended to my own affairs, in- stead of those of the nation. I observe that bankers, lawyers, merchants, and farmers grow rich; but that politicians are like carrion birds, always poor, croaking, and hungry, and not over particular as to the flavour of their fo(jd, or how they obtain it. If Jefferson had, arter our independence, taken to cultivatin the estate his father left him, he wouldn't have had in his old age to sell it, by a rascally lottery, as he did." ' ' Ahem,' said the Senator, who took advantage of the momentary pause in this unc(*iiscionable digression to resume the conversation which the other had diverted. '' Yes, one year is pretty much like another, but the festivities of Christmas are in such close proximity to those of the new vear, that the moral and reliii-ious 4*i :^i! 'i I ' I :l i 'ill ;i t 2G8 THE SKASON-TICKKT. reflections to which tlie period ought to give rise arc in a great measure if not wholly overlooked. It is a serious thing to think that we are one entire year nearer the grave than we were on that day twelvemonths, and t ) reflect that the self-examination so appropriate to the occasion is postponed to what we are pleased to call a more fitting occasion.' ' Is Christmas kept with you as it is with us in Eng- land ? ' I inquired. ' Yes, I should say it was,' he replied ; ' but in a greater variety of ways, according to the customs of the fatherland of the original emigrants. In a country like ours, and that of British America, where ho who tills the soil owns it, and wher(> industry and economy always insure abundance, you may well suppose that there are many, very many family reunions at Christmas, in which peace and plenty are enjoyed, and acknowledged by joyfid and thanldul hearts.' ' That's your experience, is it ? ' said Mr. Peabody. ' It is,' said Mr. Boodle. *Wefl, then, it ain't mine,' rejoined the other. 'Of all the imcomfortablc things in tliis world, an assembly of brothers and sisters, and uncles and aunts, and imps of children is the worst They snarl like the deuce ; some is a little better off than others, and someliow that has a tendency tcx raise the chin, and make the upper lip stiff ; some is a little wus off, and then like soil that is worn out and poor, up springs the worst weed in the world ; some call it env}^, and some jealousy, but I call it devil weed. Then some are ])ets of the old folks, and when they talk it into them, the others wink and nod at each other, as much as to say, "do you see that; that's the Avay Tom got the yoke of oxen last fall, and Sally the side-saddle boss." And then every one's child is handsomer or bigger than the other's baby, and it's hardly possible to award the prize to the one that cries and scratclies the most. Save me from family parties ; nothen in nature quals then». (jive me the meetiu where nobody cares a snap of a ■•.-J&«w ivc rise arc in It is a serious :'ar nearer tli(> lonths, and t > opriate to the ased to call a til us in Eng- d ; ' but in a .'ustoms of the a country like ^ wlio tills the nomy always that tJierc are rnaa, in which owledged by Peabody. otlier. 'Of , an assembly nts, and imps e tlie deuce ; ^omeliow that l^e the upper like soil that worst weed nie jealousy. ts of the old the others as to say, •ot the yoke hoss." And ?er than the ird the prize t. Save me quals them. 1 snap of a Tin: OM) AND TIIK XKW VKAIJ. 209 linger for nobody in particular, and lias no interest but in a good feed, a good song, a good smoke, and chain-light- ning to top it all off with. ' I never saw but one good family party in my life, or one in which all was pleased, and all kissed and shook liands together. It was at th(! readen arter old Deacon Tito's funeral. He was my uncle, so I attended to hear the will out of curiosity, to sec what my mother was to get, though we all knew pretty well, for he had often said he would divide even among his sisters for he had no children. But he cut up better nor anybody could have guessed; he was a hundred thousand dollars richer tlian he was valued at, and he divided that hke the rest, with some few little bequests. lie gave my brother, Pete, his gold watch, and he left me liis blessing ; and d(^ you know I offered to swap that with Pete for his watch, but the mean, stingy crittur refused, unless I gave a hundred dollars boot, which was more than the turnip was worth. I lost my bequest by giving my uncle lip one day. I told him he was Tite by name, and tight by natur, so I didn't expect nothen, and I wasn't disappointed. Oh, but didn't the rest all sing his praises, and then sing each other's ])raises — wern't they happy, that's all. We got into the cellar, got at his No. 1 cider, his old pine-apple rum, his port, that was in such earthy, spider-webby, dirty old bottles, you'd liave thought it was dug out of the grave of Lisbon, when the eartlujuake filled it all of a sudden, old Ma- deira, bottled afore the Revolution, and old sherry tlijit t;asted nice-nastv of the goat-skins it was fetched to market in, and then put into magnums. Creation ! what a thanksjL;;-iving-day we made of it ! We cracked nuts, cracked jokes, kissed our pretty cousins, told old stories, and invented n^w ones. That was a happy day, I tell you, and the only happy family party I ever witnessed, i^ut, mind you, it only lasted one day. The next mornin tlie T)latc was to be divided, and aunt's trinkets, lieads, corals and pearls, bracelets and necklaces, diamt it, and rd at it. The -'nemies of all ii"g-, ' none of best are poor If you want |got it ; if you :i'ang-er-friend »(>y that has a I will leave ^d as mine is I turn in; so r knew,' said ^n you would tion. He is id quickness IS annoy mo ; le conversa- ic, either by ^position to, nverse upon cely believe ' you, about juld by any ch to hang- US to-nig-ht. I should have liked to answer your inquiries fully, and to have given you a descrij)tion of the various ways in which Cliristmas is kept in America. On some future occasion I will d(j so ; but now the evening is so far advanced I believe I must follow Mr. Peabody's example this once, at least, and retire. Good night, and a happy Chiistmas to you wherever you pass it.' 272 THE seasox-ti(ki;t. I li No. XI. . 1 V ;il COLONIAL AND :\lvtui:moxial alliances. The following day I strolled with my American friends into the Park, tlu'ongli tiio narrow, ding-y, and luiscemly entrance from Spring (^Uirdens. A few minutes' walk brought us in front of the Horse (xuards, where we paused for a while to witness a military review. We then proceeded to the Serpentine, where we M'atch(Ml the gay and fashionable tln-ong, that, attracted by the crowd of skaters, increased tlie number and brilliancy of the groups that they themselves came to admire. ' The move I see of this great capital,' observed the Senator, ' the more astonished I am at its population and wealth. Places of public resort, of every descrij»- tion, are thronged with people, and the erowds tliat frequent and till them do not perceptibly diminish the multitudes that are usually seen hi the fashionable streets or business thoroughfares. The number of private carriages abroad, during a line day in the season, is almost incredible. There are everywhere evidences of great opulence ui this metropolis that attract and astonish a stranger. The city appears to him like a large estuary, receiving tributary streams of wealtii from all parts of the globe, and discharging an increasing- flood of riches in return; the region between that and Bond-street as the emporium of everything that is costly and rare, and the West End as the stately abode of people of rank and fortune. All this is perceptible at ;i glance, and a cursory survey fills his mhid with astonish- ment, but on closer uis])ection he finds that he h;is seen only the surface of things. An he pursues lii- COLONIAL AND MATHIMONIAL ALLL\NCE8. 27;j ANCKS. lericaii frioruls and unsecinlv minutes' walk (Is, whore we ' review. We 3 we watch(Ml :racted by the id brilHancy of i-dmirc. ' observed tlic its population [3 very descrij»- 3 crowds that '■ diminish the le fashionable le number ol" in the season, ere evidences it attract and to him like ims of wealtii : an increasin?A* 'can that and :hing that is stately abo'lc crceptible at a with astonish - that ho has > pursues liis invcatig-ations, Ik; learns that the city is a vast ware- house for the supply of the whole world; that its mer- chants own half the pnhlic stock of (^very civilized nation; that there are docks and depositori(;s imdcr- n(\'ith the surface, containin^j^ untold and inconc(nvable wealth ; and that the siiop windows in the strecits of fashionable resort, thoujii^h they glitter with g(»ld and silver, or are decked with silks, satins, laces, shawls, and the; (jhoicest and most expensive merchandise, convey but a very inadequate; idea of the hoards that are necessarily packed into the smallest possible space, and stored away in the lofts above, or the vaults beneatli. {'ursuing- his inquiries in the West, ho finds that the stately mansions he beholds there are the mere town n^sidences, during- " the season," of a class who have enormous estates in the country, with princely palaces, castles, and halls, and that there are amongst them one thousand individuals, whose united property would more tlian extinguish the national debt. Such is the London, of which he has read and heard so much, the centre of tlie whole conunercial world, the exchange where poten- tates negotiate loans for the purposes of war or peace, tlie seat of the arts and sciences, and the source of all the civilization and freedom that is to be found among the nations of the earth. But great, and rich, and powerful as it is, it does not stand hi the same relation to England, as Paris does to France ; it is independent, but not onniipotent ; there arc other towns only second to it in population and capital, such as Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham, Glasgow, and others, of wliich the wealth is almost fabulous. Well may an English- man be |)roud of his country. Li every quarter of the globe, he linds that it is stamping the impress of its language, its institutions, and its hberty. You and I, who have travelled so far, and seen so much, have beludd yonder British soldier at Gibraltar, Malta, and (/orfu, at the Cape, the ports of the East Indies, Hong Kong, Australia, and New Zealand, in the West Indies, and Newfoundland, Halifax, Quebec, and the shores of tiic Pacific. Great Britain tills but a small place on the T i 111 f I 271 TIIK HKASON-TICKKT. ij / .! If inji|), but, owns ;iii(l occinticH a lar^'c portion of the globe. Ncr lirst iiticiiiptH iit coloiii/.iiiioii, lik(« thoHc of other I<]uro|)ean powers, were not, \ery HiUHjeHHl'iiI, but the Iosh t)f t\\v ol«l provinees, that now eouHiitnte the I'liited Stat<^, lias taiij^lit her wisdom. Sh(; lias at, last, learned that I lu^ true art ••!" /governing her distant possessionn eonsists in imparting to the people that freedom wi .eh she herself (Mijoys, and in seeking remuneration for her outlay, not by monopoii/ing their eonnn(.'rce, but by enlarging it; not in comitelling them to H(;ek their supplies at her hands, but in aiding them to Ix'eonu; opulent imd prolitable customeis. Sla; has discoven.'d that affeetion and interest an; stronger and more endur- ing tics, thau those imposed by coercion; that there an; in reality no conllicting interests between herself and her dependencies, and tiiat the ha|)piness and prosperity of both arc; best promoted aiul S(!(;ured by as much mutual independence of action as is compatible' with the iindisi)uted and inclispensable rights of each, and the duo relation of one part of the em[)ire to tlio other, and to the whole.' ' Do you not sup))oso,' I said, 'that in process of tinu', as our colonies become more pop\dous and mon; wealthy, they will follow the order of nature, grow self-reliant, and become distinct and indepcMulent nations?* ' Some,' he replied, 'undoubtedly will, but there are others, that by judicious arrangements, may jn-obably remain part and parcud of the Empire. There is a vast; difference between the colonies in the East, and those; in the VV(!st. The former are held by a very fragile tenure, and it is difficult to say how soon they may bo severed from British control. Australia perhaps will at no very distant period, claim its independence, and if the demand be; made with unanimity, and appears to Ik) the "well understood wish of the people," it will doubt- less be conceded to them. It is obviously neither the hiterest nor the wish of this country to compel a re- luctant obedience, even if it possesses the power, which is more than doubtful. The emigrant, v^^hen he leaves Great Britain for Australia, leaves it for ever. In be- lOKC (if olIuT , Ixit llic losK r \\h) l)llit(' Kcck llicii* n to hci'oMu; iH (liscovcrctl I moH! ciuliir- liat tlicro an; II liLTscll" and 11(1 i)i'oHp(;rity hy as much tihic with the I, and the dno )ther, and to ocoss of tiiiii', lion? vvcaltliy, V scH"- reliant, nsr )ut tlicre arc may probably icro is a vasli 3t, and th()S(i I very fragile they may bo n'haps will at lence, and if appears to Ix) it will doubt- f neither the compel a re- power, which en he leaves !vcr. In bc- COl-ONIAr. AND MATIMMOMAL ALMANOKS. 275 coming a colonist he ceases to be an Kn^lishman ; lie voluntarily casts his lot in anotlier hemisphere, and sevoru the ties, sixnal and nationah that bind him to hin own. Whih' all is stran^'e about him a feeling- of lone- liness and exile may opjiress him, and cause him to cast a lon^iii;;' lin^ciin;^' look t(»u'ars his tlioun;-hts to the exclusion of the past. Those amon;^ whom his lot is cast, have made the country what it is, and claim it as their own. lie is amon^ them, and of tlujin ; he iH an Australian in thou^-ht, in word, and in iivvd. Tlu; history of his country is soon hjarned, for it has started into (existence in his own lifetime. Althou> 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580 (716) 872-4503 276 THE SEASON-TICKET. |i I Britain ; it possesses a continental, a colonial, and a foreign trade of its own, and its commerce is already extending to the shores of the Pacific. It is the Eng- land of the East. The hostile attitude lately assumed by France has already raised the question of independ- ence among the settlers, wliich is still engrossing public attention. "Ought we," they say, "to be involved in European wars, in which we have no direct interest, which are undertaken on grounds in which we have no concern, and are conducted and terminated without our assent. We are told that we must provide for our own defences. If we provoke attack, it is reasonable wo should be prepared to repel it; but if the quarrel is between others, those who involve us in war, should, in common justice, shield us from its ravages. We have everythmg to lose, and nothing to gain, by hostilities. , If England is unable to provide suitable coast defences for herself, how can we do so with a far greater extent of seaboard, with a sparse population, and without an army or navy of our own ? The sovereignty is nomi- nal, the danger real. Our independence can do England no harm, because in proportion to our means, we shall always be among her best customers, while it will save our shipping from seizure, our seaport towns from bom- bardment, and our colonial and foreign trade from annihilation. We are too far removed from you to give assistance, or receive protection. The pohcy of the United States is not to intermeddle in European politics, a similarity of condition indicates the propriety of a like abstinence on our part. ' Such, my dear sir, I know to be the language of the AustraUans, and such, I foresee, will be the ulti- mate result. New Zealand is similarly situated. As respects the East Indian provinces, you have recently' very nearly lost them by the rebelUon of the natives. If France or Kussia should be at war with you, either of them is in a condition to fan the smouldering embers of discontent into another outbreak, and the result would, doubtless, be most disastrous. The North Ame- rican colonies are very differently situated in every re- ijjJHflBBWg"!*" * * "■ I 'iWM'i w i > jv* ■ |i i| . ^ « nial, and a is already- the Eiig- y assumed " independ- sing public nvolved in ;t interest, ve have no nthout our or our own onable we he quarrel ar, should. We have hostilities. 3t defences iter extent without an y is nomi- England , we shall t will save from bom- I'ade fronj ou to give 3y of the m poHtics, y of a Uke iguage of the ulti- ated. As J recently J natives, ou, either ig embers he result )rth Ame- 3very re- COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 277 spect ; they may be damaged b}'' either of those gi'eat powers, and especially by the former, but they can never be conquered. UnHke Australia, they have a vast inhabited back country, into which an enemy can- not penetrate, and they- are only assailable in a few maritime towns, which constitute but a small part of their wealth, and contain a still smaller portion of their population. They are settled by a brave, intcUigent, loyal, and above all, a homogeneous race, not very powerful for aggression, but fully competent, with very slight assistance to defend themselves ; and be as- sured, we should never permit any other European nation but Great Britain to hold thenu It is a settled principle with us, that no portion of our continent shall ever again be subject to any foreign power. So long as the connexion lasts with England we shall respect it, and if they should become independent, we shall recog- nise the Government de facto, and welcome it into the family of American nations. With judicious manage- ment, I can see no reason why they should ever be severed from the parent country. Now, the inhabitants of Australia are emigrants, and not natives ; they are a new people, suddenly elevated into wealth and political importance, exercising the novel powers of self-govern- ment, somewhat intoxicated with their great prosperity, and like all novi homines similarly situated, they exhibit no little self-sufficiency. They are impatient of control or interference, and can but ill brook the delay that necessarily arises in their official correspondence with the Imperial Government, from the immense distance it has to traverse before it reaches its destination. They think, and with some truth, that their condition is not understood, or their value duly appreciated; and that the treatment they receive from the Downing-street officials is neither concihatory nor judicious. They feel that they can stand alone, and their language indicates a desire to try the experiment. * The great bulk of the North American population, on the contrary, is of native growth, — the people have been bom under the form of Government they now % 278 TliE SEASON-TICKET. enjoy, and have practically known no other. They retaliicd then* loyalty (luring" tlic trying" period of our Revoluiion, and defended themselves with great gal- lantry during the war of 1812, when their country was invaded by our tr()()})s. Steam has so abridg-ed the time formerly occupied by a passage across the Atlantic, that their principal men continually ])ass and repass between their respective colonies and Great Britain, and feel as if they constituted part of the same populatio.i. Daily packets have so facilitated correspondence, that three weeks now suffice for the transmission of letters and replies, while the telegraphic wire will soon place the people on both sides of the Atlantic within speaking distance. A passage from Quebec, or Halifax, to England, can now be effected in as short a soace of time as was occupied thirty years ago in a journey from the west coast of Ireland to London; and it is confidently predicted that the voyage will soon be accomphshed in five days. Distance, therefore, con- stitutes no obstacle to a continuance of the union, nor do the wishes or interests of the people tend to a severance. It is a startling and extraordinary circum- stance (but I am tinnly convinced of the fact), that the colonists are more desirous than the Whig Government, for a continuance of the union. It lias been the practice of that party, for the last fifty years, to undervalue the importance of their colonies, to regard them as incum- brances, to predict their nievitable tendency to become independent, and to use them while the connexion continues as a mere field for patronage for their depen- dents and supporters. Acting upon this conviction, they have been at no pains to conciliate the people, cither by aiding them in their internal improvements, or admitting them to any share of the Imperial patron- age, while they have carefully excluded them from any voice in that department which has the supervision of the vast colonial dependencies of the empire. This has been borne patiently with the hope that better counsels might ultimately prevail, but it will not be tolerated for ever. Political, like social alliances, can never be COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 271) her. They mod of our great gal- ountry was :^cd the time he Atlantic, and repass Britain, and populatioi. idencc, that »u of letters soon place hin speaking Halifax, to a soace of ourney from and it is ill soon be refore, con- ic union, nor 3 tend to a lary circum- ct), that the Grovernment, the practice iervalue the n as incum- y to become ) connexion their depen- conviction, the people, provements, srial patron- m from any pervision of 3. This has ter counsels olerated for I never be durable, when all the duties are on one side, and all the power and cmolunieuts on the other.' ' With respect to the cumbrous and inefficient machinery of the Colonial Office,' 1 said, ' I entirely agree with j'-ou. I have been in British America my- self, and have heard the same complaints from leading men of all parties, in the several provinces. They reprobate the constant change, as well as the uncertain attendance of the Minister, whose time is more f)ccupicd with the politics and interoHts of his party than the business of his own department, and whose authority is weakened and controlled by the action of the Chancellor of the Exchequer, the Board of Trade, and the Lords of the Treasury. A friend of mine told me the other day, til at a few years ago he came to this country to con- clude some matters of groat importance, that were in abeyance, and found, on his arrival, that the Secretary of State for the Colonies was attending a Congress at Vienna, and that after waiting some time, at great personal inconvenience and expense, he was compelled to return to America. A second voyage to England, soon became indispensable, when, after having made some progress in his negotiations, he learned with dismay that the Minister had retired from office, and the whole affair had to be commenced de novo. Most men thus detained, have private or public duties at home that must necessarily be suspended during these interminable delays, and it is not unusual for a suitor to be compelled to leave the matter in an unfinished state, and re-cross the Atlantic. The arrival of every steamer there, is anxiously watched, and at last his friends, or his agents, write to inform him that there is a change of Government and of policy, that it is difficult to say what views may be entertahied by the new Secretary of State, but that before he can possibly decide, he must be informed of the facts of the case ; that the ground must again bo gone over, the same delays endured, and the same expense incurred as before. Nor is this all : they complain that, during the recess, they may call day after day in Downing-street, H i.;l r^fiP >-' ' If r *^ I ' 1 \ ' ) i if' '■■'. i ^ 1 ;i ■ ■ Mi ■ i;- ■ i' i ' lit. 1 'H ^- /, 1 1 1 if 'J 1 1 1 1 i ' ffi 1 1 1 J i ' ■' / ..■ ».. ^a»r^^- I ; 280 THE SEASON-TICKKT. without being able to obtain an interview with thtr Chief. When he is inquired for, the answers vary, but are all to the same effect, " he is in the country, and not expected back till next week ;" or, " he is attending a Cabinet Council, and will leave town immediately after- wards;" or, "he has not been at the office to-day." Nor is the applicant often more fortunate in obtaming an interview with the political Under Secretary. Jl(\ too, is frequently occupied elsewhere ; for instance, the former is now at his country residence in the north, and the latter is in Ireland. ' But the clerks are there.* * Yes, but clerks have no power, beyond that of receiving papers and transmitting replies ; and if they had, who would hke to transact business with them .' Are the affairs of forty-three colonies of less importance than those of a private individual ; or are they governed by different rules? What lawyer could retain his clients, if their interviews were restricted to his clerks ; or vv^hat medical man could maintain his practice, if his patients were referred to his apothecary ? A bank or a mercantile firm conducted in this manner, would soon become insolvent. The most irresponsible office in tlie kingdom, is that of a Colonial Minister. He makes no report to Parliament of his doings, and, if he did, so intent are members on the business of their own party, or that of their constituents, that few would listen to it. His decisions are final in the distant parts of the empire ; for to whom can colonists appeal? They have no representatives in the House of Commons whose duty it is to attend to their complaints, or promote their welfare ; and the pubUc press, unless the grievance be most flagrant, is occupied with matter of greater interest to its readers. The separation of a man and his wife in the Divorce Court, will engross more attention than the severance of a colony, and a police report, or an account of the Derby, appeal more directly to the sympathies or pockets of the people, than a squabble between a province and a Secretary of State. * Yes ' said Mr. Peabody, — who had been silent for an n COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 281 unusually lonj^ time, and who was evidently getting' tired of so serious a conversation, — ' Yes, I guess the Derby is more racy. Was you ever at the Great American Circus in Leicester Square? 'cause if you were, you've seen Sam Condon stand upon a pair of hosses, one foot on one, and one foot on t'other, and drive two span of piebald cattle before him, as easy as drinkin'. Well now, don't it look as if it was a wonderful feat ? and don't people cheer him and hurrah him as if he was taking the shine out of all creation ? Well, it's just nothen at all, it ahi't him that drives, but the horses that go ; it's trainin' and custom in the cattle, and not skill in the rider ; he ain't the smallest part of a circum- stance to it ; he has as little to do with it as the padded saddle he stands on. The bosses do it all, for they are obedient, and go round and round of themselves; but just let them two he stands on only pull apart, and down he'd go lunipus, like a fellow atween two chairs ; or let 'em kick up, and away he'd go flying over their heads, and hke as not break his neck. Now that's the case with your Colonial Minister ; he don't manage the Colonies, but they manage themselves, and in general they go their circumferation quiet enough. But neither Sam Condon nor he knows how to handle the reins ; nary one of 'em can do more than go through the form. Lettin' cattle that know the road go of themselves is one thing, and driving of them is another ; any passenger on the box can do the first, but t'other requires a good eye, a strong arm, a Hght hand, and a cool head, I can tell you. As uncle Peleg said when he went to night- school arter he was grow'd up, " readin' and writin,' "' said he to the master, " is easy enough, any darned fool can do that, but spellin' is the devil." So any coach,, whether it is a state or a stage waggon, in a general way, is easily managed, but when you slump into a honey- pot, hosses and all, or get into a pretty frizzle of a fix, between a pine stump on one side, and a rut on t'other axle-tree deep, or have to turn an icy corner sharp, or pass a sloping, sUppery, frozen glare, or to pull through a deep ford that runs like a mill-race, with a team that's 1 282 THE SEASON-TICKET. I : ij I it i ono-hali devils and t'other liulf eowarils, it requires a fellow that knows how to yell, too skeer, to strike, and when to do it, and the way to steer to a hair's breadth, I can tell you. ' Lord, 1 shall nevc^r forp^efc how T astonished a IJritish navy officer once. AVhen I was a youngster, I owned and drove the staple coach from Ooshen to IJoston ; my team consisted of six as beautiful p:reys as ever mortal man laid eyes on ; they were as splendid critters ns was ov(n* bound up in boss hide, I t(dl you, r(»al smashers, sixteen hands hig-h, and trot a mile in 2-40, every one on 'cm. Oh, they were rael dolls and no mistake ; I never was so proud of anything- in my life as I was of that six-hoss team. Well, I had the British captain alongside of me, and he was admirin' as much as I was a-braggin' of them, when I showed 'cm off a leetle, just a leetle too much, a puttin' of them on iho'ir mettle, and pushing them a-head, when away tl.ey went like wink', and raced off as if Old Scratch himself had kicked them all on eend. The way the women inside shrieked, was a caution to steam- whistles, for they were frightened out of their seven senses, and the captain was skeered too (for courage is a sort of habit, and nothen else ; clap a sodger on a fore-topsail-yard, and set him to reefing, and see if he don't look skywonoky out of his eyes. Or mount a sailor on a mettlesome nag, and see if he don't hold on by the mane and crupper, or jump overboard ; and yet both on 'em may be as brave as lions in their own line). Well, it frightened the captain out of a year's growth, I tell you. He made a grab at the reins to help me haul 'em up. " Hands off," sais I, " leave them to me, it's only f unnin' they are ; " and I gave a yell loud enough to wake the dead in a churchyard wc was passing, cracked the whip, and made 'em go stiU faster, right agin a long steep hill ahead of us, and when they reached the top of it, a little blown, I just held 'em in hand, and brought 'em down to a trot. *' Uncommon good, that," said he, " why, I thought they were runnin' away." " So did they," said I, " but they forgot I could follow as fast as they could run." COLONIAL Mil) MATHIMONFAL ALLIANCES. 283 Now lioHKcs and men are more like than you'd tliiiik — you must know their nature»s lo manage tlu^m. How can a man g-ovem colonien who never saw one, or onder- stand the folks there, who are as different from old- countiy j)eople as chalk is from cheem^ when he never lived among" 'em, and knows uothen about their wants, habits, train of thoughts, or pn'judices? ' Wi»y, it don't stand to reason, nor convene to the natur of things — Latin and Greek may do for governing Oxford or Cambridge, but Gladstone found Homer didn't help hhn at Corfu,' where he made an awful mess of matters, and Palmerston will have to talk something better than he learned in Ovid, or Virgil, to the Pope. The Governor-General of Canada has written a book since he went there, and what do you think it is about? The Quebec and Halifax Hail way? No, that's trady. The monopoly of the Norwest Company, that obstructs the settlement of a country as big as all Prance ? No, that would bring down the great bear-hunter, and the Lord knows who upon him. The construction of a prac- ticable route from Canada to Vancouver's Island, bj' which the Cliina Trade might be made to pass through the British territory ? No, for that would involve expense and trouble, and he might get a hint he had better mind his own busi^L^i-s. An historical, geographical, and sta- tistical accoui.'^ of British North America? No, that country is growing so fast, it would require a new edition every year. Do you give it up ? Well, it is a treatise on the words, " could, would, and should." Now he could write somethin' more to the purpose, if he would^ and he should do it, too, if he held office under me, that's a fact. Yes, it takes a horseman to select cattle for the lead, or the pole, and a coachman of the right sort to drive them too, and it takes a man who knows all about colonies, and the people that dwell there, to select governors of the right sort, and to manage them, when he gets the collar on 'em. State-craft ain't lamed by instinct, for even dogs who beat all created critters for that^ have to be trained. It ain't book larnin that is wanted in Downing-strcet ; if it was, despatches might 284 THE SEASON-TICKET. 1)0 wrote like the Pope's alloeutions in Latin, but Wh a knowledge of men and thingH tliat is required. IVh not dead languages, but living ones that's wanted. Ask the head Secrctaiy what the principal export of Canada is, and it's as like as not he will n^fer you to the Hoard of Trade, as it is more in their line than his, and if you go there, and ]mt the same question, it's an even clianee if they don't tell you they are so busy in both(;ring ship- owners with surveys, and holding courts of inquiry, to make owners liable to passengers for accidents, and what not, that they haven't time to be pestered with you. Well, don't be discouraged, go back to Colonial Office, and try it again. Sais you to head clerk, "What's the principal Canadian export?" "I don't know any of that name," he'll say ; " there are so many ports there, but I should say Quebec. " No," sais you, " not that, but what's the chief commodity or production they send to Great Britain?" "Oh, now I understand," he'll say, " it's timber, you ought to know that, for wo have had trouble enough about lumber duties lately." " Well, what kind of timber?" says you, " squared, or manufactured, hard or soft wood, which is the most valuable, white, or black Birch, Hemlock or Larch, Cedar, or Spruce ; which wood makes the best trenails, and which the best knees for a ship?" Well, I'll take you a bet of a hundred dollars he can't tell you. " Then," says you, " which is the best flour, Canadian or American? which keeps sweet the longest? and what is the cause of the difference ? Have they any iron ore there ? if so, where is it, and how is it smelted ? with pit or charred coal ? and which makes the best article ? Well the goney will stare like a scallawag that has seen the elephant, see if he don't ! Now, go into any shoj) you like in London, from Storr and Mortimer's down to the penny bazaar, and see if the counterskippers in 'em don't know the name, quality, and price of everything they have. Let me just ask you, then, is it right that a national office like that should be worse served and attended to than them, and be no better than a hmrah's nest ? They have little to do, are well paid, and ought hun i COLONIAL AND MATULMONIAL ALLIANCKS. 285 I, but it's a nd. It'H not (1. Ask th<; Canada is, lie Hoard of id if you tro I'll cIian(!o if loring- Hliip- inquiry, to 'IdontH, and 'Htorod with to Colonial liuad clerk, " I don't arc so many •," sais yon, r production mderstand," hat, for wo ties lately." ' squared,' or is the most or Larch, 3st trenails, ell, ril take b tell you. Canadian or and what is ny iron ore 3lted? with est article ? at has seen ;o any shoj) ''s down to pers in *eni everything ight that a lerved and a hurrah's and ought to know Homethinp;' more than how to fold foolscap neat, to write a hand as tall as Ji wire fence, six or seven hurdles to a i)age, tie it up snug with red tape, enclose it in a large envelope, mark it *' On Her Majesty's Ser- vice," and then clap a great oflice seal to it as big as a Mexican dollar, to make; it look important.* ' The English regard this Colonial Minister as my sister Urania did her husband. She was as sf)lendid a critter as you ever see, at eighteen or twenty, a rael (!orn-fed, hearty-looking gall. Well, she was uncommon eauty, itn r own; that heek with a more lovely dentist had rivalled. the greatest broken to ilse, for they are allowed, hem. When 3 be pleased, good terras 1 her lover ; ible, and as ost winning affection she !e and with I wish, or a, gives back it ain't fair, "ul; but as selves, why ^w, people to, but they Whatever year a gall is born in, she has contemporaries ; when she looks at them and s(>es that they are ageing, or tho worse for wear, she tries to recall the days of her youth, and fnids that they are lost m the distance, and wIk'u she sees her school-fc'liows and playmates married and parents tiiemselves, all tlie glasses in the world fail at hist to make her believe she is still yoinig. ' \Vell, the marriage." of her niece startled Urania, as a shadow does a skittish horse. She left the deep waters where the big lish sport themselves, and threw her Une into the shallow eddies where the mmnows are, and she hooked littler Tim Dooly, a tommy cod of a fellow, that was only fit for a bait for something bigger and better. It was imp(xssible to look at the critter without laugh- ing. Poor thing, it was hard work to fetch her up to the scratch at last, it actilly took three ministers and six bridesmaids to marry her. She felt she had made a losin' voyage in life, but she was clear grit, it didn't humble her one mite or mossel, it only made her more scorny than ever, as if she defied all the world, and despised what it could say. I could see a motion in her throat now and then, as if she bit in her breath and swal- lowed her pride down. She actilly held her head so high, when the mhiister said to Dooly, " Salute your bride," that the critter looked up in despair, for he couldn't reach her lips. Sals I, out of deviltry, "Stand on a chair, Tim." Lord ! if you had seen her eyes, how they flashed fire at me, it would have astonished you, I know. Age hadn't quenched that, at any rate. To prevent folks from noticing how undersized he was, she just bent down forward and kissed him. Thinks I to myself, " Old fellow, you have had all the condescension you will ever get out of her, she has stooped to marry you, and then stooped for you to salute her, after this, look out for squalls, for there is a tempestical time afore you." And so it turned out; he soon larned what it was to live in a house where the hen crows. " Rainy," says I to her one day, when she had been givin' him a blowin' up, and was sending liim off on some arrand or another, (for she treated him, poor wretch, as if he had »W*HH»r«»w«"W"»»« 288 THE SEASON-TICKET. !■ /, I :i been tho cause of all lior disappointments, instead of the plaistcr to heal them), " Rainy," sais I, " I always told you you carried too stiff an upper lip, and that you would have to take a crooked stick at last." " Well," says she, " Eph, he ain't the tallest and richest husband in the world, but he is a peoweiful sight better than none." Now the English seem to estimate the officer I am speakmg" of the same way ; they think if he ain't what he ought to be, he is better than none. But, unfortu- nately, colonists think just the reverse, and say that it is far better to have none at all, than an incompetent one, and to tell you the truth, I think so too.' ' What remedy do you propose, Mr. Peabody V I said ; ' what substitute would you recommend for the present establishment?' ' Well,* he replied, ' it is a matter that don't concarn me, and I have reflected but little upon it ; but I should aay the department should consist of a board wholly composed of native colonists or persons who had resided m some one of the provinces for a period of not less than fifteen or twenty years. It would not much signify then how often they changed the minister, or who he was ; the main thing is, the work would be done, and done right too. Howsomever, I must say this arrange- ment is nobody's fault now, except for allowing it to exist any longer. It's an " old institution," that was well enough fifty years ago, when colonies were like children in leading-strings, but it ain't up to the time of day now, and ought to be reformed out.' ' That is quite true,' rejoined the Senator ; ' if public attention was once drawn to its inefficiency, no doubt a suitable remedy would soon be found for the evil. It is the duty as well as the true policy of the British Govern- ►ment, to take the subject into its serious consideration. For what vast interests are at stake, and what a noble heritage is British North America ! It extends in length from Cape Sable, in Nova Scotia, to the Russian bound- ary in the Arctic regions, and across the entire Conti- nent, from the Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean, and embraces an area of greater extent than all Europe. The remarks COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 289 stead of tho always told id that you "Well," icst husband r than none." officer I am aiu't what Jut, unfortu- say that it is npetent one, )dy f I said ; the present lon't conqarn but I should >oard wholly :> liad resided i of not less much signify r, or wlio he be done, and this arrange- llowing it to 1," that was ies were like the time of r; *if public J, no doubt a e evil. It is itish Govern- lonsideration. ivhat a noble nds in length ssian bound- entire Conti- md embraces The remarks I made to you on a former occasion, upon the extra- ordinary facilities for ii^Iand navigation enjoyed by Canada, by means of her enormous lakes and numerous rivers, are equally applicable to the lower provinces. New Brunswick, as you will see, by reference to a map, is intersected in every direction by navigable rivers of great magnitude. The St. John, whicli in size and beauty rivals the Rhine, is more than four hundred and fifty miles in length, and drains nine millions of acres in that province, besides nearly an equal number in tho state of Maine and Canada, hito both of which it extends ,to a great distance. The eastern coast is penetrated at short intervals by other rivers, varying from two to three hundred miles in length, which afford facilites for settlement as well as commerce, unequalled by any other portion of the continent beyond the English territories. In like manner, there is no point in Nova Scotia more than thirty miles distant from navigable water. The whole of the borders of the latter province, and more than two-thirds of those of the former, are washed by the ocean, which in that region furnishes one of the most extensive and valuable fisheries in the world. Nova Scotia abounds with coal, iron ore, gypsum, grindstone, slate, lead, manganese, plumbago, copper, &c., which being recently hberated from the monopoly under which they have so long been excluded from public competition, will soon attract the capital and skill requisite for their development. It is the most eastern part of America, and of course the nearest to Europe. It is not too much to say that its wonderful mineral wealth, its noble harbours, its fertile soil, ita extensive fisheries, its water powers, its temperate climate, arising from its insular position, and last, not least, its possession of the winter outlet, and through passage by railway, from England to New Brunswick, Canada, and the United States, all indicate that it is destined for an extended commerce, for the seat of manufactories, the support of a large population, and for wielding a controlling power on the American Conti- nent. Assuredly it ought to be the object of govem- u 290 THE SEASON-TICKET. ill 1 1 I fi i ment to draw together in more intimute bonds of con- nexion the two countries, to remove distnist, to assimi- late interests, to combine the raw material of the new, with the manufacturing- skill of the old world, to enlarge the boundaries, to widen the foundations, to strengthen the constitution, and to add to the gi'andeur of the empire.' ' Ah !' said Peabody, ' it ought to be tlunr object, but it ain't! andarter all, English meddlin won't be no great loss, I can tell you. I don't think colonists will go into mourning for that, even if the Lord (Chamberlain should order it. But I'll tell you what iras a loss: you missed having that most religious and rcsjwctable body of people — the Monnons, as settlers. You know that wlum they got a clearance ticket sarved on 'em at Nauvoo, and Joe Smith was shot by t)ie brothers and husbands of his forty wives, they intended to vamoose the United States in toto, to migrate to Vancouver's Island and settle there. But thinkin' the English law aghi bigamy might reach 'em some day or another, they sfjuatted at Salt Lake, in Mexican territory ; for they knew they had nothen to fear from the degenerate race of half- Spanish, half-Lidian critters that owned it. Well, as bad luck would have it, after our war with that country. Salt Valley was ceded to us as part of California, and the poor critters were bomidaried under Uncle Sam agin after all. Yes, I wish they had gone to Vancouver, I should like to have seen what you would have done with them, with your ne ./-fangled divorce courts. It's a great experiment that, Mr. Shegog, to try polygamy out fairly in all its bearings, and see how it works, not arter Turkish fashion, locking of the wives up, «nd coverin' of their faces with veils, but arter Anglo-Saxon way, making free niggers of 'em all. Utah is a place to study human natur in, I can teD you. It's what the professor here calls a "new phase of life," where a man and his ten or a dozen wives, each with a lot of children at their heels, all live together in the same location, like a rooster with his hens and chickens in the same poultry- yard. For my part I have always thought one wife was COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 291 bonds of con- ist, to aBflimi- il of the now, rid, to onlarjj^e to stronglhen mdeur of the (Mr object, but I't be no great ts will go into iberlain Bhould R : you missed :able body of low that when HI at Nauvoo, and luisbands Dse the United r's Island and w agin bigamy ey squatted at ey knew they e race of half- l it. Well, as li that country, California, and Tncle Sam agin :> Vancouver, I uld have done ce courts. It's 3 try polygamy w it works, not wives up, t*nd n* Anglo-Saxon ;ah is a place to It's what the ," where a man a lot of children ne location, like le same poultry- ht one wife was enough for any man to manage ; and I have seen so many poor fellows have the tables turned on 'em in ma- *- tnnK)ny, and get lassoed and tantoomul tluMuselves, that I have always been rather skeered to try the yoke inyRclf. Whenever 1 see a i)oor fellow going" to g(!t spliced, it always puts me in mind of a goney 1 met at Madam Toosore's exhibition to London. There was a guillotim^ there in the room of horrors, and a younker examitjed it most attentively, and alter walking round and round it, and lookhig- up at the knife and down on the block, what does he do but kneel down and put his head into th(^ hole to try how it fitted, when he caug-ht a g-limpse, as he turned round, of the bright edge of the cleaver that was hanging right over him, suspended only by a string, and just ready to do the job for him. Well he was afraid to move for fear of slipping tin; string, and letting the cutter down by the run. The way he shrieked ain't no matter, it was the nateralk>st thing in the world, and so was the way he called for help. There was a crowd round him in no time. You never see such a stir as it made, for in a general way it's a stupid place that, with people going about as silent as if they were among the dead; but this set everybody a-talking all at once. They thought it was part of the show, and that he acted his part beautiful, just as a body really would if he was going to be beheaded in airnest. So nobody thought of helping him, but let him screech on as if he was paid for it, till at last one of the attendants came runnin' up — secured the knife — got him out, and was beginning to pitch into him, when the fellow saved him the trouble by fainting. I don't like puttin' my head into dangerous gear like that, without a chance of backing out again if "-^ 1 don't like the collar, I can tell you. I actilly couldn't get Mormon marriages out of my head, so I went all the way to Utah to see how the new scheme worked. Nothen ever raised my curiosity like polygamy, I couldn't see my way through it at all, though, in a general way, I must say (though, perhaps, it don't become me to boast of it), that 1 can see through a hole in a grind- stone, as far as him that picks it. u 2 292 TllE SEASON-TIC ICET. \ll. i J":, * Will there be peace or war in the wigwam ? sais I. I can understand a man bigamying, but I don't jist see how it convenes to women. VVill they all turn to, and court their husbands, and try to be loved best in return, each strivin' to outdo the other, or will they fight and scratch hke cats ? Will they take it in turn to be queen, and then be subjects (as fellows do when campin* out in timber land, in the State of Maine, when each one cooks in rotation, and attends on the rest), or will each have her separate task, one to wash, onotlier to bake, one to do housework, and another to make and mend ; or this one to tend the children, and that the dairy and poultry, and so on ? ^Vill the husband set their tasks, or will they choose for themselves 1? And will they fight over the choice, or take work in succession order ] When a new wife is taken what sort of a thing is the wedding, are the othea* wives invited to it, and is it a jollification or a mournin' time ? Or docs it go by default, hke old Sam Arbuckle's marriage ? * I must tell you that story, for it is a fact, I assure you. He was the nigger butler to my brother, the member to Congress for Virginny. He had permission to spouse Milken Sally, a slave on another plantation. A night was fixed for the ceremony, the company assembled, and the coloured preacher there to tie the nuptial knot. Well, they waited and waited for ever so long, but the bride didn't make her appearance. At last Sam grew impatient, so sais he to the preacher, *' Look here, Broder Cullifer, it's no use waitin' for that darkey, I knows her hke a book, she's dropped asleep setting fore de fire — I'se authorized to speak for her, so jest go ahead jest the same as if she was here.* Old Culhf er thought it a wise suggestion and proceeded with the service that united them in the holy bonds of matri- mony. When the ceremony was over off started the bridegroom in search of the absent bride, and sure enough when he reached her cabin there he found her fast asleep by the fire, with some of her finery in her hands ; and she was terribly riled when she heard the wedding had come off, and she was not there. I) COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 293 warn ? sais I. lon't jist see turn to, and est in return, ley light and to be queen, ampin' out in ich one cooks ill each have bake, one to lend ; or this and poultry, tasks, or will ey fight over ir 1 When a the wedding, a jollification 'ault, like old lact, I assure brother, the id permission }r plantation, the company re to tie the ited for ever learance. At the preacher, litin' for that opped asleep ak for her, so 3 here.' Old oceeded with nds of matri- f started the le, and sure he found her finery in her he heard the re. * Now, sais I to myself, does it go by default arter that fashion 1 or how is it managed 1 for it don't appear to me to stand to the ratur of tilings, much less to the natur of women, that this sort of domestic arrangement can be just the most cheerful affair in the world. So I concluded, as I had nothen above particular to do, I'd go and take a look at the harems, and judge for myself. First of all I made for Nauvoo, where I wanted to see what sort of a city they had built for themselves, and to look at the ruins of their celebrated temple. It was there I first made acquaintance with our friend here, who was bound on the same errand ; and I'll tell you what, Mr. Shegog ' — (and he gave me one of those sly winks that indicated he intended to excite and draw out the Senator) — 'I must say that their founder. General Joe Smith, who was so barbarously murdered by the Gentiles, was a great man, and no mistake ; and if not a prophet, assuredly one of the best of men that ever lived on the face of the airth.' Here the Senator turned round and regarded him with a look of the most unfeigned astonishment; but he con- tinued his panegyric with the utmost gravity. * Everybody admitted his wonderful ability, as the editor of a paper called the Times said — (I don't mean the English Tiines ; catch that paper praisin' a distin- guished American; no, not it, but a local paper of that name) — "Without learning," says he, without means and without experience, he has met a learned world, a rich century, a hard-hearted and wicked generation, with truth that could not be resisted, facts that could not be disproved, revelations that could not be gainsaid or evaded ; but, fike the rays of light from the sun, they have tinged everything they lit upon with a lustre and hvery which has animated, quickened, and adorned them ! " That's what I call a great picture, sir, drawn by a great artist.' * I am perfectly astonished to hear you talk that way,' said the Senator. 'He was a vile impostor, in whom cunning supphed the place of talent, and hypocrisy that of true reUgious feeling. A proficient in roguery of all 294 TUE SEASON-TICKET. / '<' kinds from his youth, he was early instructed, and well skilled in practising upon the incredulity of the ignorant ; and a popular manner, joined to a certain Huency of speech, enabled him to obtain a great influence over his hearers. To these powers he owed his ascendancy luuong his confidential associates in this wonderful im- posture, who were men of more ability, but less tact and pereonal popularity than himself. It was in this way, that his very ignorance operated in his favour, for the language of a manuscript of a deceased author, which he had surreptitiously obtained, and palmed off successfully on the public as a revelation, was so much above what an unlearned man like himself could possibly have written, that it is no wonder that his dupes could only account for it, by attributing it to inspiration. You must recollect that among the many thousands of liis followers, there '.vas not one man of character or education. Mormonism is the grossest and most bare- faced imposition of modern times. It was founded on folly and fraud ; sustained by robbeiy and murder ; and, under the sanction of a pretended revelation, it autho- rised and encouraged every species of licentiousness. It. is too disgusting even for a topic of conversation. If Smith had been a good man, he never would have been the author of such a system; and if he had been a man of talent, he would have moulded it into such a shape as not to shock the moral feelings of all mankind.' 'AVell, Senator,' said Peabody, 'you may undervally him as you please, but the world won't agree with you, at any rate. I should like to know, now, if there is a man in Congress that could reply to Clay in such withering and eloquent language as he did? Why, there is nothing in Elegant Extracts equal to it; it's subhme,' and putting himself into a theatrical attitude,. he repeated with great animation the passage referred to : — " Your conduct, sir, resembles a lottery-vender's sign, with the goddess of good-luck sitting on the car of fortune, astraddle of the horn of plenty, and driving the merry steeds of beatitude without rein or bridle. Crape the heavens with weeds of woe, gird the earth with i;i cd, and well he ignorant ; iluoncy of nee over his ascendancy onderful im- ut less tact was in this 8 favour, for sed author, palmed off vns so much uld possibly dupes could inspiration, housands of character or 1 most bare- founded on Mu-der; and, )n, it autho- iousness. It, ^rsation. If d have been been a man h a shape as id.' ' undervally with you, f there is a ay in such d ? Why, 1 to it; it's !al attitude,, -ge referred ry-vender's 1 the car of driving the idle. Crape earth with COLONIAL AND MATRIMONIAL ALLIANCES. 295 sackcloth, and let hell mutter one melody in commemo- ration of fallen splendour. Why, sir, tlie condition of the whole earth is lamentable. Texas dreads the teeth and toe-nails of Mexico ; Oregon has tlie rheumatism, brought on by a horrid exposure to the heat and cold, of British and American trappers ; Canada has caught a bad cold from extreme fatigue in the patriot war; South America has the headache, caused by bumps against the beams of Catholicity and Spanish sovereignty; Spain has the gripes, from age and inquisition; France trembles and wastes under the effects of contagious diseases ; England groans with the gout, and wriggles witli wine ; Italy ana the German States are pale with consumption ; Prussia, Poland, and the Uttle contiguous dynasties have the mumps so severely that the whole head is sick, and the whole heart is faint ; Russia has the cramp by Hneage ; Turkey has the numb palsy ; ^Xirica, from the curse of God, has lost the use of her limbs ; China is ruined by the Queen's evil ; the Indians are blind and lame ; and the [Jnited States, which ought to be the good physician with balm from Gilead, and an asylum for the oppressed, has boosted, and is boosting up into the council-chamber of the government a clique of poUtical gamblers, to play for the old clothes and old shoes of a sick world, and ' rw j^ledge no promise to any particukir portion of the people ' that the rightful heirs will ever receive a cent of their father's legacy." Is it any wonder, sir, that a man who could talk it into people that way, could draw converts from the remotest parts of the earth ? ' ' The language,' replied the Senator, very coolly, 'is well suited for a grog-shop, where, no doubt, it would pass for eloquence, nothing could possibly be better adapted to his audience. Ah, Mr. Shegog,' he con- tinued, ' I shall never forget the journey my friend and I took to Utah. As a member of Congress I was anxious to ascertain the true state of thhigs at Salt Lake, by a personal examination, and also to inform myself of the condition and prospects of my countrymen in Call-, fornia, which promised to become one of the most 296 THE SEASON-TICKET. y important States in the Union. With this view I pro- ceeded to Missouri, to avail myself of the escort and protection of the first band of emigrants bound for those places. From St. Louis, whence we started, the dis- tance to Utah, via Council Bluffs, is more than sixteen hundred miles. The route passes over vast rolling prairies, unbridged rivers, and hills, mud-flats, mountain ranges, and deep and precipitous ravines. The line of march was unhappily too well defined over these inter- minable plains for travellers to lose themselves in their unvarying and boundless expanse. So numerous and so frequent had been the caravans of emigrants, that had crossed this desert, that they had left melancholy traces behind them, of the sorrows, accidents, and mis- fortunes that had befallen them on their journeys. The track is marked by broken waggons, fragments of fur- ' niture, agricultural implements, cast-iron ware, and the bleached skeletons of oxen and mules, that have died miserably by the way, while unturfed mounds, of various sizes, afforded melancholy proof of the mortaUty that had attended the exodus of this deluded people. Some of them had been robbed of their contents by the wolves, . and human bones lay scattered about on the short brown grass. The warning thus inculcated had evidently not been lost upon succeeding travellers, for I observed that some of the more recent graves were protected with heaps of stones, broken wheels of carriages, and other heavy substances. The train with which we travelled did not escape similar casualties, for several women and children, victims to fatigue and exposure to the weather, were added to the number of the dead that reposed in that wild and dreary prairie. The buffalo hunts, the Indian encounters, the bivouacs, and the exhilaration of spirits caused by constant motion, were not new to me, who am so famihar with life in the North-west, and I was not a little pleased when the long and tedious journey ended, more especially as I knew that another, and no less fatiguing one, awaited me between Utah and San Francisco. * The first glimpse we got of this far-famed Mormon ! COLONIAL AXD MATTtlMONIAL ALLIANCES. 297 is view I pro- 10 escort and 'und for those 'ted, the dis- than sixteen vast rolling its, mountain The hne of ' these inter- ilves in their iimerous and igrants, that t melancholy its, and mis- urneys. The nents of fur- i^are, and the it have died Is, of various ortality that sople. Some y the wolves, t short brown vidently not bserved that )tected with s, and other ve travelled women and the weather, t reposed in hunts, the lilaration of new to me, west, and I md tedious at another, ween Utah 3d Mormon valley from the Wahsach mountain, eight thousand feet above the level of the sea, was the signal for great rejoicings to our wearied and wayworn travellers. The women wept and the men shouted for joy at having reached the termination of their tedious journey. My first impression was one of sadness and disappointment. The distant prospect on which the eye naturally first rested, embraced a wild, desolate, and drearv country, and its loneliness, its silence, and its total isolation from the rest of the civilized world, filled me with awe when I regarded it as the voluntary prison of so many thousands of deluded human beings. Environed on every side by lofty mountains, lay the vast plain which the saints had selected as their home in the desert. The great Salt Lake, so far as we could ascertain, extends 130 miles in length, and from 70 to 80 in breadth, lying far away in the midst of a waste, uncultivated, and monotonous plain, suggesting the idea of the Dead Sea and its melancholy and desolate shores. Withdrawing our view from the distant scene, to that lying more im- mediately before us, and which, from the great elevation of our position, we had at first overlooked, we found that it fully equalled in beauty the description we had had of it. Beneath our feet, as it were, lay the object of our visit, Utah, the Babel of the western world. We could look down upon it as on a map spread upon a table. It was laid out on a magnificent scale, being nearly four miles in length and three in breadth, surrounded by a wall twelve feet high, defended by semi-bastions, within half musket-range, and also protected by a wide, deep ditch. This enormous work was constructed nominally as a protection against the hordes of savages by whom they were surrounded, but in reality against the only formidable enemy they had to fear — the idleness of the people. ' The streets were 120 feet wide, and the sidepaths, 20. A mountain stream, which originally ran through the town, was distributed by conduits so as to irrigate every garden and supply every house ; and as the build- ings were placed twenty feet back from the line of the 298 THE SEASON-TICKET. /■ ) ■■J\ : li i ' fi " street, and the intervening' npaco was planted with ahrubH, the general eff(;et was very agreeable. At all cventH, it made a favourable impresHion u{K)n uh when emerging from the boundlesH desert over whoHe unvaried Hurface we had been journeying so long" and so wearily. The site selected for the city is certainly most beautiful, lying" as it does at the foot of the Wahsach mountain, whose snow-clad sununit is lost ui the clouds. It is washed on the west by the waters of the Jordan, and on the southern bounded by a broad, level plain, extending* to a distance of twenty.five niih's, and well- watered by numerous streams. This city is certaudy one of the most extraordinary instances to be found in the annals of the world of what human perseverance and industry can effect when stinndated by fanaticism. It is unap- proachable from any civilized c(mununity, unless by a difficidt and laborious journey of nearly a thousand miles. In a severe winter it is wholly inaccessible, and the cost of the transport of goods far exceeds their original value. To overcome all these difficulties, to erect such a city, and to bring" into cultivation such a quantity of land as they have done in so short a time, was to me a source of continued astonishment. I am not going to bore you with an account of my explorations in the adjacent country (which, in a scientific p^'iin(Mitals, all covered over with g-old lace, and sot off with an inimens(^ pjiir of epaulettes, each as l)i^' as a shij)'s swob. When hi; arrived at Canton, he thought he'd astonish the natives by wearing it as an official dress. Well, whenever, he strutted about the streets in this rig, John Ciiinanian used to laugh, ready to split his sides, and call out, "/oo vmch foolo — too much goldo ; " and he went by the nick-name ever after of " too much foolo." Now, that's just the case with them ero judges — there is " too much wigo and too much foolo." And, as for the lawyers, their noddles look, for all the world, like rams' heads. I have heard tell of wolves in sheep's clothing afore now, but I never knew what it meant till to-day. If them horse-hair hoods is out of place for judges, who are called Big Wigs, they are wus for lawyers ; for, what's the use of making a joker look solenni, unless it's to take people by surprise, set 'em a haw-hawhing right out, and then get 'em fined for con- tempt of court ? A lawyer is chock-full of fun, like a clown at a circus ; it fairly biles up and runs over ; and when he cocks his eye and looks comical, you can't help laughing — no how you can fix it. lie can make a wit- ness say anything he likes ; he can put words into his mouth or draw 'cm out just as he pleases ; and keep the whole court in a roar. I never see one on 'em at that game, that I don't think of what I saw Signor Blitz, the great conjuror, do at Boston. He was a showing off his tricks one night at the Necromantic Hall, when he seed a countryman starin' at him with all his eyes and mouth, both of which was wide o])en. So ho stopped short in the midst of his pranks and made a face at him, exactly like his, that set every one off into hystrikes a'most, it was so droll. When they had done laughing, he invited the feller to come upon the stage, and told him he'd teach him how the tricks was done. So up goes young Ploughshare, as innocent as you please. When he got him on the boards, he patted him on the back with one hand and put the other to his mouth, and, eais he, "You I i lur; ■\vi(;s. 305 lie was major lie had a most vcr with g'okl )anl(itteB, each at Canton, he Living it aH aii ed about the laugh, ready holo — too much ^ after of " too with them ere I mueh foolo." lok, for all the II of wolves in knew what it oods is out of , they are wus ig a joker look rise, set 'em a I fined for eon- of fun, like a uns over; and you can't help m make a wit- words into his ; and keep the on 'em at that gnor Blitz, the showing off his , when he seed lyes and mouth, topped short in at him, exactly rikes a'most, it inng, he invited I told him he'd up goes young When he got i back with one 1, sais he, "You had potatoes for diinun* to-day." " Yos, T had," said the goney. "What makes you swaller them wh(rl(5? " said Blitz, and he })ulled ever so many potato(^a out of liig mouth and threw them on the floor. At last he picked one up, with a sprout on it six inches long. " Why, my good friend," said he, "lookc; here; they have begun to grow already. Do, for goodness' sake, chew your food ; and, instead of swallowing it /lolus boliift, use your knife and fork to cut up your wittles, andlu^ pulled t/iem. (mt of his mouth, too. Tlum Ik; lu^gan to punch away at his stomach till he nearly d(mbled him up. "Hallo," sais Ploughshare, "what, in nature, is all that for? " "No- thin," sais Blitz ; " I am only trying to break the diimcr ])lates, for fear I should cut your throat in bringin' of Ihem np." The felUn* thought he was in the hands of the Devil, and he turned and took a flying leap clear over the orchestra into the pit, and nearly broke his unques- tionably ugly neck. The shouting that followed beat election cheers all to chips, I tell you. Now, lawyers can bring any answer out of a witness's mouth as easy as Blitz fetched potatoes, and knives, and forks out of that countryman's, and set folks a-roarin' as loud, too ; for, in a general way, it don't take much to make a crowd laugh — mobfs like rotten eggs letter nor sound ones. ' What's the use of puttin' wigs on lawyers, when all tlie horse-hair of a dragoon regiment, and all the grease of all the bears in the world would never make 'em look like sedate men? Why, they are as full of tricks as Blitz, have just as much sleight of hand, and are quite as nnich in league with the Devil as he or any otler con- juror ever was. It don't convene to common sense, that's a fact. And then if the judges must put on them out- landish wigs, what in the world is the reason they keep on their red dressing gowns ? Have they any clothes nnder them, or do they wear them to hide the naked truth ? As for them white bands under their chins, as they represent beards, why don't they wear real or arti- ficial ones? They would look a sight better, and more nateral too. Them sort of things do well, enough in a play-house, but it kinder strikes me, it's out of place in a mm tfifif 306 THE SEASON-TICKKT. y^ court of juHtico. If it's to awe common folks, and frif^hteri tliem out of tlieir seven senses, why there's better ways of doin' it by a lon^ chalk. 1 KJiould like to tell them a story — that is, what they call a ''cas(! in point," or as they say in lawyer's slan^, tiiat^oes on all fours with it. Then; was a sc^uatter in Tennessee, when I was on a visit to my uncl<; Kenben, who was a {uirfeet outlaw of a fellow, and a terror to the wliole r/-cinity. He had jilways hved on the borders of civilization, and hung on its skirts, as a burr does to a horse's tail. IL; was on tlie rear, where he cjould not be seen, nor rubbed off, nor pulled off, nor kicked off. He was a trapper that robbed traps instead of setting" of them himself; a dealer in bosses he neether raised nor bought, and always went iinned with loaded dice, marked cards, and a capital iiitle. He was an ugly customer, I tell you. He could outrun, outride, outswim, outshoot, and outlie any white man or Indian hi all Tennessee ; he could out-Herod Herod if he'd a been there. He used to say he was the only gentleman in the counti'y, for he was the only man that never worked. Though he didn't raise none, he had a large stock that he taught to forage for them- selves. He used to turn his cattle arter night into other folks' meadow lands to eat u}) their grass ; and his pigs uito their fenced patches, to yaffle up their potatoes, until they larned the way to go right in of their own accord and help themselv^es ; and if the neighbours went to him and talked of law, he'd point to his ritle, and threaten to sarve them with notice to quit, till they were skeered out of their lives a'most. Well, one poor fellow, who had liis crops destroyed time and again, and could get no satisfaction, and was tired out watchin* night arter night, chasing the hogs out of his diggins, thought he'd set a bear on 'em. So what does he do but catch the longest-legged pig in the herd, and sew him up in the skin of a bear, coverin' him all over, head, body, and legs with it, and then, towards daylight, he lets the drove out first, and the dressed one arter them. When they got sight of him, off they set as hard as they could lay legs to the ground, took up the road that [iiid f rlp^htcn better ways I toll them a )()iiit," or as fours with it. ^as on a vinit outlaw of a y. lie had 111(1 hung on 1L(» was on bbed off, nor r that robbed a dealer in always went J id a capital 11. lie could lie any white id out-IIerod say he was was the only t raise none, i^ii for thera- iv night into rass ; and his leir potatoes, of their own hbours went ills ritle, and nit, till they Tell, one poor [id again, and out watchin* his diggins, t does he do Old, and sew lU over, head, daylight, he (; arter them. t as hard as the road that BIG WIGS. 307 led through the woods, and he arter thom, and away they went like all possessed. Well, the H(iuatter, when he got up in the moruin' went over to his neighbour's potatoe patch, to brhig his f)igs home as usual ; but lo and behold, tliey were not there; and more than that, tlie fence was whole and standing, as if they had never been in it all. While he was starin' about and kinder puzzled, the stage-coach came up, and he hailed the driver, who told him he had seen them runnin' for dear life, chased by a bear; two of them was dead on the road, and the rest had taken to the woods, as soon as tliey saw the coach and the bear arter them. " Waal," says he, ({uitc cool, " the bears owe me a grudge, for many a one of their family I have killed in my day. And what surprises me is, that they should venture so near me, for 1 haven't been niislested by them these three years : I'm glad my psalm-singing neighbour had no hand in it, for if he had, I'd a sent him ui search of that constable that came here last summer to sarve a writ on me, and has never found his way back yet. The bears and I will balance accounts some day, see if we don't," and he went into the house as cool as if notliin' had happened. 'Now, if these judges are dressed to scare the crows, it appears to me beai'skin would answer the purpose better nor horse-hair and powder. What do you think, Lyman V 'I think,' replied the Senator, 'you don't know what you are talking about. It is the judicial dress, adopted ages ago, and preserved to the present day. It is well suited to an aristocratic country, in which there are various orders and ranks, with their peculiar robes and dresses, that are worn on state occasions. They may not be so appropriate to a republican form of govern- ment like ours, but there is no reason why they should not be worn even with us. Although, in theory, all men are equal in the United States, we do not pretend that all officers are, and of these the judges are the highest in public estimation, and the most exalted in raiik. Why should they not wear a distinctive costume ? X 2 ii I isiS 308 THE SEASON-TICKET. 'I! Their duties are f^rav(» ami importaTit, and some of them, especially in criiuinal courts, of a solemn and awful character, affecting;- the lives of those; who are tried before them. As they are not the every day business of life, and judg-e^s are set apart to diseiiarg-e them, the para])hernalia of the court ou^ht to be in keeping;- with the sanctity of the law, and the importance of its due adminis- tration. Dress is an arbitrary matter; but everywhere, on public occasions, prf)priety dictates, and custom sanctiims the imictice of suiting our habiliments to the occasion. In a court of law, as in a church, everything should be done decently and iji order. We have not this particular costume in our country, but we have adopted others of a similar nature for various officers of the public service. The military have a dress peculiar 'to themselves, and so have the navy, whilst many Christian sects, especially the Episcopalians and Roman- ists, have their own distinctive vestments. Collegiate, municipal, masonic, and other institutions, have also their prescribed robes and badges, and they occasion no animadversion, because we are accustomed to them ; but they are as open to remark as those of the English judges which you have just been ridiculing. A gold epaulet, and a cocked hat and feathers, which I have seen your brother sport, when at the head of his regi- ment of volunteers, are adopted, and approved on the same ground as the wig and the ermine of these judicial officers.' ' I assure you, Mr. Shegog,' he continued, ' that I regard the English bench with great veneration ; we owe to it a deep debt of gratitude. Although I have not the honour of knowing" those gentlemen we have just seen, my studies have made me tolerably familiar with their predecc ■ sui'o, and I have no doubt they display as much talent, learning, and impartiality as those to whom they have succeeded. When we dissolved the connexion with Great Britain, it was not because we disapproved of, or quarrelled with its form of government, but with those who administered it at that time ; and when we had to frame one i'or ourselves, we adopted as much of yours as liiG wir.s. 309 mc of thom, and awful lo an^ tried [lay ])nsiiioss ^otluMii, the )\n^ witli tlio due adniinis- everywliero, and custom nents to the I, everything Ve have not )ut we have US officers of .resa pecuUar whilst many and Roman- Collegiate, s, have also y occasion no to them ; but the English ing. A gold which I have d of his regi- »roved on the these judicial nucd, 'that I ,tion ; we owe I have not the ave just seen, har with their splay as much to whom they onnexion with pproved of, or 3ut with those hen we had to ich of yours as I was at all applicable to a country in which there was no royal family, no nobility, and no established church ; and I think I may add, without exjxising myself to the charge of national vanity, that the constitution wo finally adopted was under all the circumstances, the best that could bo devised. Monarchy was out of the question. In the absence of the three great institutions I have just named, it was wliolly inappHcable to the people or the country. Necessity, therefore, gave us no option ; a republic was the only alternative we could adopt. The office of chief magistrate became elective as a matter of course. The difficulty (and a very great one it proved) was how to construct an upper branch of the legislature, where there was no class in any way cor- responding to the peers, or even the landed aristocracy of England, that could operate as a check on the House of Representatives. The manner in which this was effected reflects infinite credit on the framers of the constitution. If both senators and representatives were chosen by the people at large, though nominally divided into two separate chambers, they would in effect be but one body, for they would have the same feelings, be clothed with similar powers, and responsible to the same constituency. They, therefore, arranged that the mem- bers of the House of Representatives should be elected by the people ; but those of the upper branch by the legislatures of the several states, and to secure a careful and judicious exercise of the important functions of the Senate, they established the age of thirty years, as the earliest period at which a member could be eligible for election, while that of a Representative was fixed at twenty-five years. To increase the respectability of the body, it was made more select by restricting its num- bers, and making its basis State Sovereignty; while that of the lower branch was regulated by population ; thus. New York furnishes but two senators, while it sends to the other branch more than forty representa- tives. To invest it with dignity it was constituted an Executive Council of the nation, no treaty being valid without its ratification, and no appointment legal with- 1 •-1 A; I;,: 810 TIIK SEASON-TIC KKT. ont itR approval. To iiiHuro its indopotirionco, and qualify it for thcHO i]ii])()rt!nit duticK, tiic tcnn for which senators an* elected wan extender I to six, while that of the reprcHentativeR waH limited to two years. Where tli(^ supreme i)ow<»r rests in the ])eople, wFio are theoreti- cally and politically e(jual, )>(>rliaps no Ix^ttcn* or wiser provision could be made for the construction of this body. Having" thns estahlished tlu^ three brandies of the lej^islature, it becam(^ necessary to er<'(;t a judiciary, a veiy delicate and (Hflicnlt task, considei'in<;* that every state possessed its own courts, ans, wiiothcr in nactmcnts of ^llat(3 juriwdic- of the Eng"- in the world, Lun^R, but the ig-land, ]\irlia- 3a, tlic jMiople )n8titution of Magistrate, a 3S, J^y that Gverally dele- 1 or diminish, law, must be )asscs an act to be uncon- ^ccssion, limit ige even the gross cannot i. This is a lat is lodged otuosity and guard for the nstitiition as hey reserved to themselves th(^ power to amc^nd it, very wisely guarde(l it against their owu interfcinuice, except in cases of great urgency, ])y surrounding its exercises with restrictions of a most conservative character. They precluded themselves from taking the initiative in altering it, by enacting that apfxuil must be mad(^ to them eitlu'r by two-thirds of the members of the (Con- gress, or by a vote of two-thirds of th(; assemblies of the several States. Without this preliminary sanction they liave Kift themselves no power to meddhe with this Hacred docrument. If they were to attempt to do sf) tlio Court would decide their action to be ilhegtil, as it would in the same manner if the (/ongress were to undertake to exceed its constitutional limits. ' Thus, the Suj)reme Coiu't absorl)S the whole; judicial authority of t\u) naticm, for the Senate, luilike your House of Lords, has no apj)ellat(; jurisdiction. It can indeed try an im[)eachm(>nt preferred by the House of Ke[)resentatives, de[)rive the accused of his oflic(;, and declare liim ineligible to serve the public again ; but it belongs to tiie legal tribunal alone;, to convict and punish him criminally. The judi- ciary takes cognizance of all offenc(;s on the high seas, and all matters of international law, as well as of the relations of one State to the otlu'r or to Congress. It is the sheet-anchor of the State, and we are mainly indebted to it, under God, for the stability of our insti- tutions. In no country is the avctiue to th(» Bench so well guarded as witli us. The chief magistrate has not the power of ai)p()intment to it, he can only nomhiate, and the Senate, composed, as 1 have said, of members from each State, indiscriminately brought together from every part of the Union (for one of tlie qualifications of a Senator is residence within liis own State), must ap- prove of the recommendation l>efore the commission can issue. All parties, without distinction, however much they differ on other points, concur in the importance of upholding the authority, and maintaining the res[.(;cta- bility and efficiency of the Bench, and although there, as elsewhere, political feeling pervades and infiueuces ••■• *mt\r II Mi IIJWP a- 312 Tin: SKASON-TUMiKT. publio patrona/i^r, it lias never been known to operate in the m^lection of a judj^t; — iiiileKH, pc^rluipH, where tlio clu ico lay between two candidates oi* ey ;i|)los of law, iibllHlicd, and lat tinio from ;onceivc how ^pcctivo judi- r saying tliat •espect to the :lian yours to an; export at iore of their disposition to John Russell : the Jews to a mere reso- to give the irdlessof the jusc of Ooni- case of Dr. pon grounds of a Court, itigation of a letter devised [) destroy the a jury than cases, when I rule to set I aside a viu'dict, the grounds of the application are dis- tinctly stated, and before it is made absolute, it is fully argued in public. In this case the a[)plication was made in private, the })arties consulted were not sworn, nor subjected to cross-tjxamination, nor any opportunity giv(!n to the prosecuting ofiic(;r to rebut their evidence, either by argument or the production of otlu^r persons r(>- fcHHional ImiP. KactH ixmitivcly att<'Htv liiivo r the jury, tlmt I'nco. poison. After ICC ))!iHKcd, the t to a Kin'(/('(>7i, icrcl'orc iiKtoin- oiiy), Tior inidcr ted with those idjjj-c. Nor was ; oflicer, for his conclusive, not i competent to lan a question id, that as the nion from those ! Crown, there it was his duty i to pardon the Inis arrived at, be followed in , there Avill be >isoning', where xlical witnesses sre be any diffi- scepticism, or lical science, or ?r practitioners, omnuniications, Lgreeable duty ; and tli(! offer of an appellah^ jurisdiction over the pro- fessions of law and in<'dicin<', is too gT(;at a temptation to a nmn to elevate himself at the cxjK'nHe of both, to be sucx3essfully resisted.' ' Ah, now you are talknip;- "die,"' exclaimed Peabody, *and I can't follow you. WIhmi I talk' ' You use the viihjur toriffne^^ retorted th(» Senator. * You may take my hat,' rc))li(Ml tin? other; ' I cave in, I (►we you one, Imt you needn't chalk it up, for I'll be sure to pay you back before long'. VV^hat 1 was goingf to say was, J wouldn't mind Srm^thurst gettin' off, if they had only hanged one of them tarnation onfackilized jj^oneys of doctors. I never se(^ a case yet, in which they were called as witnesses, that they didn't make KUp«>r superior fools of themsc'lves. Nothen they love so d(?arly as to differ, and they never give; a positive straight up and down opinion, except when they g(;t a chance to contradict each other. There is no brothcr- liood atwecn tliem, as there is among lawyers: thieves have too much honour to peach on each other: doctors convict one another always. They are like moles, each critter burrows in his own hole in the dark, and as they can't see no track but their own, they swear there ain't any other. They dabble so much in chemistry, they treat truth like a compound suljstance ; and they got so bothered with their analysises and tests, that it has neither cohesion, nor unity, nor colour, when they have done with it. Th(?y may be very good doctors, 's far as 1 know, but they are the worst witnesses under the sun ; they swear that everything maij be, but that nothen is ; tliat you can judge of a disease by its symp- 1onis, but that the symptoms of any given number are 80 much alike, you can't tell what ailment a person died of. That's the way Smethurst got off. Sir Bridie, who was made a judge of the Appeal Court in criminal cases, and sat for the first time in this case, rapped his snuff-box before he opened the lid (the way Pat knocks a feller down, to have the pleasure of pickin of him up, for one good turn deserves another), sat down in his &rm-chair, put one leg over the other, laid his head back, ■i 1 MS 1) "T155St»fi 316 THE SEASON-TIC la-.T. looking wondrous wise, took out a pinch of rappee, and Baid, " This is a law case, and it's very odd I am the rappor and the snuff is rappee," and then he sniffed it up, and felt good aU over. " It's the first legal opinion I ever gave — ' who shall decide when doctors disagree V — I won't pronounce judgment at aU." So he took up his pen, and wrote, " Medical science is in its infancy " (which means there was none when ho was in practice), " and you can't expect wisdom from the mouths of babes and sucklings. Therefore, whether Smethurst was, or was not guilty of poisoning, not knowing, can't say." ' Now, if that ain't a farce, then the murder of that poor gal warn't an awful tragedy, that's all.' They are gettin' on here, Lyman, that's a fact, when an old re- I tired doctor upsets judge and juries, and sais there is no dependence on medical science. What iii the world have the halt, the lame, and the blind been dependin' on for 1860 3''ears? If he has pretended to cure all his Ufe " secundum artem," and there is no art, couldn't folks recover back their fees from him on his own con- fession? Yes, they are gettin' on here; they'll soon appeal to the wise womdn, old Liddy Lonas, that tells fortius by cards, and the lines in the hands, and the vein in the forehead, and the stars, and so on. Let them ask her if a verdict is right or not, and people will credit her, though they won't a doctor. They darn't doubt her, and if they did, she'd soon find a way to make 'em believe, as Titus Cobb's ghost did his son Eber. Eber Cobb, who got a great fortin from his father, went to a spirit rapper at Albany, to have a talk with the old gentleman, just out of a lark, for he no more believed in it than you do. Well, he was soon put into communication, as they call it, with the old bill broker, who answered all his questions quite satis- factory, and then gave him some advice he didn't quite like, when he broke out into a loud laugh, and said it was all tarnation nonsense ; that they couldn't take him in that way, and that he warn't born in the woods to be skeered by an owl, and so forth. Well, he had hardly BIG WIGS. 317 of rappee, and odd I am the le sniffed it up, legal opinion I tors disagree?* So he took up in its infancy " as in practice), the mouths of her Smethurst knowing, can't murder of that all.' They are hen an old re- sais there is no the world have ependin' on for ;ure all his life couldn't folks his own con- e; they'll soon lonas, that tells hands, and the 3 on. Let them md people will . They darn't find a way to ist did his son ortin from his , to have a talk lark, for he no I, he was soon vith the old bill IS quite satis- he didn't quite gh, and said it uldn't take him ;he woods to be he had hardly said this, when the table began to turn slowly, and then to spin round like a teetotum, when it ran right up agin him like a mad bull, and fairly kicked him right out of the room. " Hold on, for marcy's sake," cried Eber, lookin' as white as a sheet, and most awfully terrified ; "hold on, I believe it now, that's 'xactly like the old man, he's as violent as ever, oh, that's him to a dead sartinty; he never could t.ar contradiction at no time, without gettin' into a'most an all-fired passion." From this day forth, I believe in spirit rapping. ' Yes, let Cornwall Lewis, consult old Liddy Lonas in the next case of a man that's convicted of murder, and he'll satisfy the public a nation sight better than by referring it to Sir Brodie. Liddy knows as much of fife as are a doctor in creation does of death, and twice as much of women as he does; and she'd have told Secretary, if he'd asked her, whether that onfortunate, beguiled, and simple gal died from nateral causes, or by the hand of a murderer. ' I'll tell you what I've obsarvcd here in England. The people never forget what they are taught at school ; they larn that the mascuhne gender is more worthy than the feminine, and they act on that through life. If a man murders his wife, they say "sarved her right." But if she does for her husband, she may as well go to work to knit a large stocking to put both her feet in, to die decent — for hanged she'll be, as sure as income-tax ! They may laugh here at Judge Lynch as much as they like ; he never hanged an innocent man, or let a guilty one escape, as far as ever I could hear; and it's my opinion, if he had visited Richmond, when this Smethurst affair happened, he'd a given imiversal satisfaction. He's a man that never eats his own words, as some English folk do, though he has often made others gulp them. * And talkin' of that puts me in mind of Sir Brodie. I met him the other evening to dinner, and sais I, *' How do you do. Judge Brodie ?" " I am not a judge, sir," said he, looking all abroad, " but a medical man." " Beg your pardon," sais I, " they told me Chief Baron and jury tried Smethurst for murder, pronounced him t 318: THE SEASON-TICKET. I i '?f' guilty, and sentenced him to death, and that you turned the tables on them, tried them, and found them all guilty of a conspiracy to murder an iimocent man ! It's the best joke I ever heard since I was raised. Well! I never in all my born days !" sais I, " it takes the rag off the bush quite, tliat, if you didn't row them all up Salt River, it's a pity!" lie didn't know whether to take it up or not, but steered between both pints, looked comical in his eye, but grave in the face. Sais he, *' Mr. Peabody, I have a great respect for a judge, and if it were a matter of law, I should bow to his decision ; but this, sir, was a question for our profession, and ' medical science is in its infancy J " Sais I, " If it is in its infancy, there are some whopping big sucking babies of students in it — that's a fact, and no mistake." " What a droll man you be !" sais he ; "I admire the Americans imcommonly. They not only take a common sense view of everything, but they catch its ridiculous points too ; and sometimes I am puzzled to know whether they are in earnest or in jest. But let us drop the subject of the trial, for here comes a Q.C." " Does that mean, ' Queer Cove V " sais I ; " for it's like what I used to call my brother. I gave him the title of Q.O.F., and always put it on his letters arter his name, for he was for everlastin' a-talking of trespass, and quare clausum /regit, as he called it.'* ' Well, up comes Q.C., and shakes hands with Doctor. Sais he, " So Gladstone has put off his budget tiU Friday. What's the matter with his throat? — is it influenza?" "No," sais Doctor, "it is a sort of Parlia- mentary diphtheria. He has had to eat so many of his own words, hi leaving Derby to join Palmerston, that his swallow was affected, and sore throat supervened. Several members of the Government are affected more or less by the same complaint." " Well," sais I, " one's own words are hard to gulp — that's a fact, especially when swallowed dry; but when they are taken with the sweets of office they go down as slick as mint julep." * But to get back to Judge Lynch, as I was a-sayin*. //. lat you turned ;hem all g'uilty laii ! It's the scd. WeU! I takes the rag them all up w whether to h pmts, looked ice. Sais he, a judge, and o his decision ; •rofession, and * If it is in its jking babies of ike." "What the Americans ion sense view lis points too; ether they are subject of the ; mean, ' Queer led to call my md always put 3 for everlastin* 'I fregit^ as he is with Doctor, lis budget till throat? — is it sort of ParUa- 30 many of his almerston, that it supervened. affected more ' sais I, " one's "act, especially ire taken with slick as mint I was a-sayin'» BIG WIGS. 31» lie never eats his own words. What he says he means, and there is no appeal from him. Execution follows his sentence as tliunder docs hghtning. lie ain't a military man, that declares martial law, holds a drum-head court, is as savage as a meat axe, and don't valy life more nor a tig of tobacco, but a plain, homeapmi citizen, that declares common-sense, holds a neighbourly court, and, though stai-nly just, is a marciful man, and never leaves a feller in suspense a minute longer than can be helped. There is no pomp, nor toggery, nor tomfoolery about him. No one can point to liim as they did to my brother, and say, "too much goldo, too much foolo." He wears neether wig, nor gown, nor white- choker ; he don't sit with closed doors, in some hole or comer, like those Enghsh Big Wigs, as if he was af eared people would see or hear what he sais or does. But he holds his court under the broad canopy of Heaven. He don't sit on a bench, and give the Russia leather cushion the meek and lowly title of " the woolsack" that hypo- crites might think Mm humble. Nor has he a figure of Justice stuck up behind him, with a bandage over its eyes, and a pair of scales in its hands, to show that it is so blind it can't see whether it weighs even-handed or not. But Judge Lynch sits on a stump, like a patriarch of old, in all the native dignity of a patriot judge, with a simple wide-awake hat on his head, a halter in one hand, and a revolver in the other — emblems and implements of justice— lays down the law of natur to the jury, and if they convict a feller, strings him up to a nateral gallus — the first tree near hand — whistles " Possum up a giim tree," and then says, " Come, boys, this here court is adjourned, let's Uquor." A doctor would thmk it a nation sight better for his precious hide to save his breath to cool his broth, than to meddle with hhn^ I can tell you. If Judge Lynch had been at St. George's-in-the- East, the other day, he'd a saved the Bishop the trouble of suspendin that are onf ackalized ' — — 'Don't let us enter upon that subject,' said the Senator, 'it is a most painful one; both parties are very much to blame — extremes meet. Too much form. • ' 320 THE SEASON-TICKET. !|, I ' ■V r( F> ■# and ceremony naturally breaks down with its own weight, and produces a revulsion that ends in total destruction of both. Ihit this is not a matter that nhould be treated with levity.' To assist him in chang-ing* the conversation T asked liim what he thought of the new Divorce Court avc had just visited. ' I have heard and road a g-ood deal about it,' he re- plied, ' and am boimd to say I do not think it open to the objections that have been raised agahist it. You must recollect that it is regarded from very oppositef points of view, according to the pecuhar notions o people on the subject of divorce. These opinions it is not necessary to discuss, it would lead us into too wide a field for mere conversation ; but assuming that the frinciple upon which it is founded is correct (upon which do not wish to offer an opinion), the court appears to me to work well in practice. I do not wonder that the public is alarmed when they see the great number of cases that are brought before it for adjudication ; but it must be recollected, that when the House of Lords was the sole tribunal that could decide upon them, redress was confined to the rich man and the mere pauper, as a divorce could only be obtained by the expenditure of a very large sum of money, or by the gratuitous services of lawyers. The consequence was, that a vast deal of obloquy was thrown upon the aristocracy, as they were, with very few exceptions, the only parties who figured in these trials ; and an impression prevailed, not only among the people of this country, but among foreigners, that the upper classes were distinguished from the middle and lower orders, as much by their profligacy, as their wealth and social rank. ' It would now appear, that so far from this being the case, they furnish fewer instances of depravity than those in an inferior station, which, considering their great wealth, their leisure, and other circumstances, does them infinite honour. Indeed it is said, and I believe with some truth, that while a better and sounder tone of morals prevails in the higher ranks, there is by no ; BIG WIGS. 321 tvith its own ends in total I matter that ation T askccl Court wc had -)ut it,' he re- ink it open to ahist it. You very oppositef iar notions o opinions it is 1 into too wide ming that the ;ct (upon which urt appears to onder that the reat number of lication ; but it of Lords was them, redress re pauper, as a penditure of a ;uitous services a vast deal of , as they were, es who figured ailed, not only ong foreigners, ihed from the [V profligacy, as 1 this being the depravity than nsidering their imstances, does and I believe d sounder tone there is by no means a corresponding decrease in the rest of society of those offences that are the special objects of adjudi- cation in this court. Since I have been in England, I have perused with great attention the reports of cases tried before this tribunal, and I have met with no instance in which a divorce has been decreed on insuffi- cient grounds, or where there was any reason to suspect collusion between the parties. ' The House of Lords was a very objectionable tribunal. No man, however high in station, or eminent for ability, is fit to try a cause unless he is professionally trained for the exercise of judicial functions. A judge is naturally cold and impassive ; his prejudices and his imagination are carefully eliminated from his mind ; he is accustomed to deal with testimony, to analyze, weigh it, and estimate its real value. An unprofessional judge, such as a member of the House of Peel's, is a man of feeling as well as honour, his impulses are good, but the}'- are not chastened like those of a lawyer. He does not very readily perceive the difference between an equitable and a legal claim, or between what is expedient and what is strictly lawful. He relies more on the purity of liis intentions than on his knowledge of prin- ciples, or the rules of evidence, and frequently decides more in reference to what he thinks ought to be, than what can be done. The absence of a jury lessened the value of their decisions in the eyes of the public — not that jurymen are more intelligent or more honest than the Peers — but because the popular element was wanting in the tribunal. The fiat of the court was the judgment of an order of men far above the common in station, for which they alone were responsible who pro- nounced it ; it was open to criticism, and often con- demned, because, though the members of that house were, from their high station and character, beyond the suspicion of partiaUty, they were not exempted from the imputation of unconscious bias, in consequence of their not possessing those attributes of judges which I have just named. The present Court of Divorce will be more satisfactory to the public, because its decrees are Y ' 1| :'t ■'•■:l 322 TIIK SEASON-TICKET. f ■:>, .)' fi ./ * jt fom\i\oi\ upon verdicts; and an tlio decisions of juries arc tlioso of tlio })coi)lc, tlic jud<;'(' derives a su|)[)ort from their concurrcMice, far l)eyond tlie intrinsic v^ihu; of their opinions. Suspicion is a))t to attadi to irrenif)v.'ible functionaries, from the natural tendency of estal)hslied autliority to become arbitrary. Juries are fiuctuatinf? bodies, and cannot be easily acted u|)on. If a verdict be unsatisfa(!tory, iho certainty that the same jury will never a^ain he assend)led together, reconciles us to the evil, and induces us to hoi)C for more int(>liigenco and superior dist;retion from the next. Tiieir v]\\v\' value is to make tlie people bear their own share of tlie res])on- sibility (»f administering justice, and to eU^vate tiie judge in public estimation, by placing him beyond the reach of those impntati(His, that ignorance and vuiganty are so })rone to fasten upon their superiors. I differ, there- fore, tofo cd'la from Mr. Justice Cresswell, as to the expediency (>f sitting with closed doors. Nothing can be more disagre(>able than to have to listen to the disgusting details usually given in evich^ice in suits for divorce, more especially as they attract the lowest and most depraved audiences. Of this, however, he has no right to com}>lain, for when he accepted the commission, he knew tlie nature and incidents of his duties. It is essential tiiat these causes should be heard in public for reasons similar to those I have already assigned; the evil does not consist in open trials, but in tlie publicity given tothese offensive matters by the daily press. It is to be ho])ed tliat the good sense of its conductors may induce them to omit all details unsuited for general perusal, and that the reprobation of the public will punish any infraction of propriety in tliis respect.' ''Zactly,' said Peabody, 'there ought to be an Aunt Dcbby in every family, as there was to our house, to hum, to act as a reader, and see if there was anything improper in the newspapers, or in the new books we took in from the circulatin' library. Lord! how prim and precise she was. I think I see her now a-standin' afore me as neat and nice as if she was just takcMi out of a bandbox that was brought home from the milliner, with m BIG WIGS. 323 () ioim of juricH vcs ii Kui)[)()rt rill sic N'^ihu; of () iiTcinovablc of ('stal)liKho(l re fluctuating' If a verdict ■lanic jury will •ilcs UH to the tclli};vncc and •liicf value is f tiic; respon- vat(^ the judge (tiid the reach 1 vulgarity are 1 dilTer, there- '^ell, as to the Nothing can listen to the iice in suits for the lowest and ver, he has no he commission, s duties. It is rd in public for assigned; the n the ]mblicity laily press. It its conductors ited for general the ]Miblic will ; res[)ect.' to be an Aunt I our house, to was anything new books we ord! how prim now a-standin' ist tak(Mi out of le milliner, with hvv black silk dress fittin' as tight as her skin ; her white, clear-starched, stiff kerchief crossed over her breast, and tied behind; and lier little, beautiful, criin})ed muslin cap, that was edged with short, stiff, hair curls, like tassels on a fringe. When she stood up to receive a stranger; in th(j second position (as dancin' masters call it), with one little tiny foot just far enough out to show her ankh; thiit she was so jn'oud of, crossed her hands in front, and half-bowed, half-curtsied, she was a l)ictur worth framin', I tell you. Everything about her seemed new except her face, and that looked as if it had been took good care of, and had wore well, too. She was as formal and perlite as you please, and really looked as good natured as an aunt can that has to govern other folk's children, for no woman knows how to bring up juveml(!s, except one that has none of her own. But when she jnit her spectacles on, it was time to close reef and keep an eye to windward for squalls, tluit's a fact. They made h(;r look old and feel old; they told tales of eyes that wjis onct; bright, and bygone days when she was young, and she scolded every one that came near hand to her, as if it was their fault she warn't young still. I don't think she had an iiee that there was anything good onder the sun, ex^^ pt herself and her presarves ; she saw evil in everything. This warn't proper, and that warn't delicate ; this wasn't decent, and that was downright wicked. Whenever she read anything funny in a paper she'd look as black as thunder, and 'jaculate, " Well, I wan't to know ! ! ! If this don't beat general trainin' ! !" and so on ; and then go and hide away the paper, and say nobody but father was to read it. Well, in* course the moment she turned her back, the galls raced off, ransacked the desk, pulled it right out, and read it, for it set their curiosity a-goin', and when a woman gets that up, nothin in natur will stop her. Eve couldn't, nohow she could fix it. If she hadn't a-been ordered not to eat the apple, it's as like as not she never would so much as have seen it, there were so many more temptin' lookm' fruits in Paradise. But no, there was a secret, and if she was to die for it, nothin would Y 2 321 TIIE SEASON-TK KKT. U .) ' . ,1 Rtop lior from (ryin' to luu\ it out. Well, iiiiytliinp: that Aunt I)(;l)l)y forl)i(l wjih sure to be rciid. One day lutlKsr 8(!nt homo a book (tailed " Pcrcj^'niic I'icklo :" I daro Hay you l»av(^ In^inl tell of it, it's one of th(i greatest and fuunicHt bookH ever written, it in so full of human natiu". Sister IMicmy picked it up and be niQ wios. 327 see'd tliere was a troop of us a-coming".) Wc^ll, that law phrase nuiuiis the buyer must cave in if Ik; ain't wide awake. 11' a lovier (;an read faces — wliicli is as neces- sary for a man to study whtMi he g-oes a-courtin as any book that is tauj^lit at school — he will se(; the marks of the temper there. A comjKiny fac(^ like a go-to-!neetin* dress, ain't got the right sit; it's too stiff and too bright, and you can see it ain't put on every day ; there is an oneasinesss about her tiiat wears it ; it don't seem nateral. The eyebrows are Vihvd arcli-Iike — they don't stay up sponten(M)Usly ; the smiles an; set — they don't come and go with the rise and fall of th(; tide of the spirits. The mouth is kinder lengthentnl to take the droop out of the corners, and that {tushes up the cheek, and makes a dimple in it. And the upper lip, instead of curling up sarcy, swells ripe and plump at the mouth. A gall with a face of that kind looks as if she had come into the world singing, instead of cryin' like a young kitten. Courtin is bad for the eye-sight you may depend; a feller is ajtt to get par- blinded by it; if he didn't stare so much, iuj'd see better. Let him get a look at her wluui she don't know it, and then he'll see the nateral expression ; Ikj'II lind the brow puckered close, the mouth curved sln^rt at the small eend, the eye coritiacted, and tlie lips half their former size, and puckered in tight. And if he can't get a chance to see lier that way, if she has a rival, set her a talkin about her ; or if she has ever tried it on to a feller, and got the cold shoulder, steboy hov at liim, and he'll soon find the set smile has set like the sun — gone (mt of sight till next time, and the angel mask has dropped off, and the shrew face left, looking as large; as life and twice as nateral. Now, if he ain't a judge liimself, let him do as he does when he buys at an auction — ask the advice of them that are, and if his friends have as much of the fool about 'em as he has, let him remember every gall, like every other created critter, has a character, good, bad, or indifferent. Everybody is known among their neighbours for exactly what their valy is. This one is a termagant, that one a flirt, this is imprudejit, and that a2b TIIK SKAMON-TICKKT. '!i •llHCrcct., wliil(» t'otluM" in jih jj;'fM»(1-li('iirt<'(l, j^ood-naiurod a gall HH ever lived. VVrll, il" a man won't inak*; uh(' of IiIh <;oiiun(>n hvuho, — and he in look in, all I can Hay in, it sarvcH him ri^ji-ht.' 'No,* Haid lh(! S(Miator, ' ihat'rt nol what I njcan. Do yon think a man iH ott('n(>r taken in, in matrimony, than a woman /* 'No,' he repliver HtopH him; he tiatterH, not with homrv-opathic doHes, but drang'htH that would clioke a camel ; ho HWearn aw falnc; as the feller did who deposed to knowing- a fusee ever nince it waH a pistol, when \h) heard it was calh'd " a son of a g-un." lie vows etcM'nal love, and takes his ihivy lu>'ll die of a broken heart, or drown himself, if \\ch refused. Men know what liars nuMi are, but women don't ; and how shoidd a |)oor gall ti^ll, who ain't permittecl to look at men's faces, to see if they an; stamped with deceit or not? How can she study physiognomy.' Slu; is all truth herself (if jjroperly brought up), and confides in others. She knows she wjis made; to bi; loved; and when a man vows he do(»s adore her to distraction, and she knows that word adoration is only ap|)lie{l to angels, why shouldn't she think she is one, and beli(;ve the man who worships luu''? No! poor crittcir, she is oftener took in than the false lover is. Now, when tlie fraud is found out, whichever it was that chelated (sometimes both are let in for a bad bargain), and when contempt, and tluMi hatn^d, and then scpiabblin and iightin comes, ahi't it better for both to cry (juits f ' Don't talk nonsense, E])liraim,' said the Senator, ' you know better than that. Matrimony is not a partnership me. wros. l\'2\) i()(l-tiaturod a mak<1 to look at ^itli deceit or ;' She iH all (I confides in (5 loved ; and ^traction, and i(>d to angels, ieve the man lie is oft(!ner ri the fraud is id (soniethnes (Ml contempt, lightin comes. Senator, ' you a partnership that fanliion,' and a comical Wh(!ii 1 vvaH to he dlHHoIvecj hy miihiiil coiiHcnl. " W/inin. God Ims joitii'd, let /ii)f iiuni jnif nsiindtr.^^ ' ' YcH,' ie|ili('d (lie other, * hilt thoH(» that the W(»rl(l, tlu' IIcnIi, or Ihe devil Iiuh milted ' ' We'll drop the Hiihject, if you plciise, Mr. l'e;U)ody,' rejoined the Senator, with hoiik? warmth. ' Now, don't lly off at tlui handle {irter Haid l*e;d)o