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The Commission on Marriage and the Home

of The Federal Council of the Churches

of Christ in America

1947

297 FOURTH AVENUE, NEW YORK 10, N. Y.



Copyrighted 1945

by

Leland Foster Wood

PRINTED IN THE U.S.A.

Sixth printing, October, IQ47

List Price 5 cents

Quantity Rates

10-99 copies, 15% discount

100 or more, 20% discount

270



IF I MARRY A

ROMAN CATHOLIC

There is nothing to keep young people

of other churches from falling in love with

Roman Catholics. They associate freely in

recreational and social life, and to some

extent in school, as they ought to do. So

far as the individuals themselves are con-

cerned, many are well suited to each other

in character and personality. Their spiritual

ideals also may be reasonably harmonious

so that they believe that there is nothing

to prevent their marriage. Even though they

may be dimly aware that there are inevitable

difficulties in the path ahead they are in-

clined to feel their love is so all-important

that any problems which arise will take

care of themselves.

It is not realistic, however, to make such

an assumption. The facts, which cannot be

ignored, are that an alarmingly large propor-

tion of such marriages fail in disillusion-

ment and heartbreak. This pamphlet aims

to help our young people see why this

is so.

The most significant large-scale report

showing the instability of mixed marriages

is the one commonly called the Maryland

study. It is published under the title,
*

'Youth

Tell Their Story,'" by the American Council

3



on Education, Washington, D. C., with

Howard M. Bell as author. In one part of

this study 12,000 young people reported

the religious connection of their parents

and whether they were living together or

whether their home was broken by divorce,

desertion or separation.

More Mixed Marriages Fail

The striking fact was that those who

came from mixed marriages reported two

and one-fourth times as many broken homes

as young people whose parents were both

Protestant and two and one-third times as

many as homes in which both parents were

Roman Catholic. The percentages were as

follows: Where both parents were Protes-

tant 6.8 per cent of homes were broken.

Where both were Roman Catholic 6.4 per

cent were broken. Of mixed marriages 15.2

per cent were broken. Where there was no

religious connection there were even more

broken homes, namely 16.7 per cent. Child-

less marriages were excluded by the nature

of the study. Otherwise the proportion of

failures would have been higher.

Harmony in Training and

Background Desirable

Religious conviction and philosophy of

life are more significant for lifelong hap-

4



piness than are the early raptures which do

not take these factors into account. Marriage

is more than an emotional tie. It is a vital

union of a man and woman in which both

need harmony and mutual help at the high-

est levels.

Recent research has confirmed the ob-

servation of the best interpreters of mar-

riage that similarity of cultural background

is one of the foundation stones of marital

success. Wide difference in childhood en-

vironment and education inevitably brings

domestic difficulty. Of course Roman and

non-Roman Christians share in the values

of the great Christian stream of culture and

of American democratic life. They are, how-

ever, shaped to different patterns and their

convictions about family life are not the

same.

Do Not Drift Into Love Blindly

The difficulties which arise in a mixed

marriage are illustrated in a case reported

by Dr. Grace Sloan Overton.^ There came

to her a daughter of a Methodist minister

with her young man who was a Roman

Catholic. She was a senior in college and he

a graduate student. Both were fine and

serious young people. They had just come

from the priest and he had explained the

Roman Catholic position and the require-

* Mixed Marriages, by Grace Sloan Overton, Forward,
June 21, 1941, p. 5.

5



ments which would have to be met in their

marriage.

Could the prospective bride plan her

marriage and select the minister who was

to marry them as she had thoughtlessly as-

sumed? Not at all. They would have to

be married by the priest or else the man

would be excommunicated from his church.

”The young man explained his position

by saying: *My people have been Catholic

for four-hundred years. I could not feel

married if I married outside the Church.

But as I think it over it leaves my wife out,

for both the children we may have and I

must be Catholic. This seems a bit harsh,

but this is the way it must be.'

'The young woman expressed her posi-

tion by saying: 'I cannot be Catholic. I want

my preacher-father, whom I love very dear-

ly, to perform our ceremony. Why should
I promise to bring up our children as

Catholics? This would make me seem an

outsider in my own home.'

"He, seeing how she was hurt by the

situation, hastened to say: 'My dear, it

has nothing to do with the way I love

you. These are things which are beyond

our control—it is just the way it is.’ ''
In such a situation a young woman might

well ask, "Who determines 'the way it is'

with my life and with my own marriage?

Should I allow my family relationships to

be 'out of my control' as you have expressed

it? If things have been fully settled without

6



my consent, one thing that I can do is to

decide not to enter marriage on such terms/*

Christians who are not Roman Catholics

have something that is quite as precious to

them as the teaching of the Roman Church

is to its members. Why should they not
stand for the preciousness of their faith and

resist the exactions of a Church which

says, "We make all the rules for any mar-

riage in which one of our members is in-

volved.^** In a mixed marriage the Protes-

tant or other non-Roman Christian is just

as much involved as the Roman Catholic,

and where his happiness and his freedom

are concerned he must take a stand.

When intolerable conditions are intro-
duced the young person should reject them

even if it means delaying one*s marriage

until an equally attractive person of one*s

own faith can be found. With such a per-

son the outlook for success will be distinctly

more favorable. Most young people do not

marry the first persons with whom they are
in love.

In the case just mentioned the complaint

was made, "Why couldn't we have been
aware of this before? We have walked into
love blindly, believing our love to be the

biggest thing in the world, only to find

that there is something bigger, something

to which one of us must yield if we are

not to give each other up/*

7



The Official Roman Catholic Position

In warning young people against the pit-

falls in mixed marriages we are taking a

position similar to that of the Roman Cath-

olic Church on this matter. Pope Pius XI

in his encyclical letter ”Casti Connubii/'

after characterizing such marriages as rash

and heedless goes on to say:^ 'This attitude

of the Church to mixed marriages appears

in many of her documents, all of which are

summed up in the Code of Canon Law:^

'Everywhere and with the greatest strict-

ness the Church forbids marriages between

baptized persons, one of whom is a Catholic

and the other a member of a schismatical or

heretical sect; and if there is, add to this,

the danger of the falling away of the

Catholic party and the perversion of the

children, such a marriage is forbidden also

by the divine law.' If the church occasion-

ally on account of circumstances does not

refuse to grant a dispensation from these

strict laws (provided that the divine law

remains intact and the dangers above men-

tioned are provided against by suitable safe-

guards), it is unlikely that the Catholic

party will not suffer some detriment from

such a marriage. . . .

"Assuredly, also, there will be wanting

that close union of spirit which as it is the

sign and mark of the Church of Christ, so

3 Casti Connubii, Sections 82 and 85.

Cod. iur. can. c. 1060.

8



also should be the sign of Christian wed-

lock, its glory and adornment. For, where

there exists diversity of mind, truth and feel-

ing, the bond of union of mind and heart is

wont to be broken, or at least weakened.

From this comes the danger lest the love

of man and wife grow cold and the peace

and happiness of family life, resting as it

does on union of hearts, be destroyed.”

Important Differences

,
A Roman Catholic interprets marriage

as one of the sacraments of his Church. He

is taught that ”a^ Catholic can be validly

married only before a Catholic Priest.” The

Protestant Christian thinks about marriage

just as reverently, whether he calls it a

sacrament or uses some other term. He

thinks of it as instituted by God and per-

fected by God's blessing. He holds that it

is God who joins the man and woman to-

gether by his grace and through their own

sacred pledges to each other.

Marriage is an undertaking of two per-

sons with God and with each other. In

solemnizing it the minister acts as a rep-

resentative of God and of the church. He is
also an agent of the state for this particular

purpose. The Protestant recognizes the

authority both of the church and of the

state, but repudiates the claim of one church

* fVhy Not a Mixed Marriage, by John A. O’Brien,
Ph.D., LL.D., Paulist Press, N. Y., p. 11.

9



that its priests have exclusive authority over

his marriage when he marries a Roman

Catholic.

Christian marriage is both a condition

and a process. Its validity rests upon God's

blessing of an undertaking in which the

man and woman promise lifelong fidelity

to each other in God’s name and with his

grace. For its happiness everything depends

upon the way in which the two persons

work out this mutual dedication throughout

their lives. Their marriage succeeds in pro-

portion as they achieve rich fellowship,

creative cooperation, and a complete family

life.

Standing for One’s Own Faith

Recognizing that the Roman Catholic

Church has the right under the freedom of

religion to promulgate its teaching about

marriage in any way it sees fit, we are com-

pelled, in duty to those who look to us for

counsel, to emphasize the fact that we of

the other churches have freedoms and con-

victions that are inexpressibly precious to

us. And we want to help our people in the

safeguarding of these inheritances.

John, a Protestant, was engaged to Jane,

a Roman Catholic. Because he loved her

he was taking a course in Roman Catholic

doctrine, as her church required. At one of

these sessions the priest handed him a form

to sign.'^ "J^hn looked at the paper and

10



began to read it. The blood rushed to his

head but he managed to speak calmly.

’Do you mind,father,* * he said, ‘if I
sign it when I come next week? There is

still time and I would like to take it home

and read it over carefully.*
“

‘It is a bit unusual,* the priest answered,

‘but take it along with you. There must be

no compulsion about it. But unless you and

Jane sign it, I cannot marry you. And unless

Jane is married by me, the priest of her

church, she is virtually excommunicated.

There can be no other decision.*

“John Parkridge went directly home that

evening. He sat down at his desk and read

the paper carefully.

Ante-Nuptial Agreement®

(to be signed by the non-Catholic party in a

mixed marriage)

I, the undersigned, not a member of the

Catholic Church, wishing to contract mar-

riage with
,
a member of

the Catholic Church, propose to do so with

the understanding that the marriage bond

thus contracted is indissoluble, except by

death. I promise on my word and honor that

I will not in any way hinder or obstruct

the said, , in the exercise

of religion and that all chil-

^ An Un-American Marriage, by Benjamin Lotz, Chris-
tian Century, Nov. 15, 1944, p. 1317.

• See, Why Not a Mixed Marriage f by John A. O’Brien,
Ph.D., LL.D., Paulist Prws, New York, N. Y., p. 9.

11



dren of either sex born of our marriage shall

be baptized and educated in the Catholic

faith and according to the teaching of the

Catholic Church, even though the said

should be taken away by death.

I further promise that I will marry

..only according to the marriage rite

of the Catholic Church
;
that I will not either

before or after the Catholic ceremony, pre-

sent myself with for marriage

before a civil magistrate or minister of the

gospel.

Signature

Signed in the presence of Rev

Place Date

When John turned the paper to the other

side he found a pledge to be signed by

Jane. In addition to its provisions for the

baptism and education in the Roman Cath-

olic religion of any children born to the

union he discovered that Jane must promise

to do all in her power to bring about his

conversion to her faith.

Such demands mean that a Christian

person who believes his own church to be

a true church of Christ is asked, when he

marries a Roman Catholic, to act as if his

church were no church at all but a danger-

ous organization. He is required to pro-

ceed as if he had no faith in the adequacy

of Jesus Christ as Savior and Guide but

rather must assume that only in the Roman

12



Catholic Church could his children have

assurance of salvation.

Against such demands a man or woman

of another church should set reasonable

proposals of his own. When he is asked to

submit to a course of instruction in Roman

Catholic doctrine in order that he may un-

derstand the religious requirements of the

person whom he is marrying, should he not

ask the other to take a course under his

church that the Roman Catholic person

also may understand the life and ideals of

the one whom he is marrying?

One proposal is as reasonable as the

other except to the Roman Catholic who

justifies a one-sided position by saying that,

“Truth has rights which error does not

possess.”^ A Protestant might say the same
thing if he were inclined to be equally

arbitrary, but, on either part, it is merely

begging the question to assume that one

side has the truth and the other is in error.

A home in which one has to be right while
the other has to be wrong has a poor

chance of lasting mutual esteem and har-

mony.

When a Christian of another church is
asked to sign an agreement that he will not

interfere in the least with the free exercise

of the Roman Catholic party’s religion why

should he not ask for a similar agreement

in return? The present arrangement silences

Why Not a Mixed Marriage, by John A. O’Brien,
^ Ph.D., LL.D., Paulist Press, New York, p. 2, 10.



one party while encouraging in the other a

proselytizing zeal.

When the demand is made that a Chris-

tian of another church shall sign an agree-

ment that any children of a proposed mar-

riage shall be reared as Roman Catholics

it would be equally fair for him to present

a counter proposal that they be reared in

his faith. If concessions are to be made

they should be mutual. There should be in

any case an understanding that when chil-

dren have reached a suitable age they shall

be free to determine their own faith in

order that their religious allegiance may

be a matter of inner conviction and self-

dedication and not the outcome of any kind

of constraint. If such proposals are rejected

by the other party that fact would raise

the gravest question whether the marriage

ought to take place.

The Roman Catholic demand puts the

other member into a domestic strait-

jacket and in a measure alienates him from

his children. It takes away the normal lib-

erty of a loving parent of imparting to his

child the truths that are deepest and dearest

to him concerning God and His kingdom.

This attitude is so utterly lacking in the

conception of freedom of religious convic-

tion that other Christians regard it as an

attack upon their freedom of conscience.

14



Look Before You Leap

A Protestant girl aiid her family, who
have not thought of all these things may be

inclined to say, ’‘But Jimmie is such a lov-

able boy and he comes from such a fine

family?’* Yes, but Jimmie also comes from

a church which is unbending and which

will make you a spiritual outsider in your

own home.

A counsellor of youth was asked to see a
certain young woman who was engaged to

a Roman Catholic. At the very outset the

girl said, “I am going to marry this young

man and nobody can talk me out of it.” The

counsellor replied, have not the slightest

wish to talk you out of anything. I do not

know either you or the young man, but I do

know that marriage calls for the best in any

of us. It is important for you to be reasonably

confident both that this is the right man for

you and that you have a fair chance of prov-

ing to be the right wife for him.

“For one thing, if you marry this young

man you will become a daughter to his par-

ents and he will be a son to yours. Do you
like his parents well enough, and do they

approve of you and like you enough so

that you will be sure to get along with

them?” The girl replied that she had not

met the parents of the young man. Nor had

she met his brother and sisters.

The counsellor went on to say that after

marriage the two would need to have a

15



set of happy friendship experiences. He

asked the girl if she and this young man

knew each other's friends and got along

well with them. She replied that during the

six months that she had known him he had

,
met some of her friends but that his were

mainly in another city. She assumed that if

they themselves got along they would not

need to worry about the friends. This of

course was only partly true.

When the counsellor asked about their

church life she said that she loved her

church and had always been active in it.

She expected so to continue. The counsellor

summarized: “You and he love each other

but your family and his have never met and

do not know anything about one another. For

the most part you have different circles of

friends. Your friendship circle is largely in

your own church and his in the Roman

Catholic Church. He has entered a little bit

into your friendship circle but you have not

entered into his. After marriage he will

continue in the Roman Catholic Church and

you in yours, so that in everything that per-

tains to church life he will go one way

and you will go another. You will not be

able to take your children to your own

church with you, and you must not teach

them the things that mean most to you

because the Roman Church would call this

'perversion of the children.'
"

The young lady said, “All that you have

said is true, but I had not thought much

16



about that side of it. I only know that I

love him and I cannot give him up.*'

“Love is a beautiful thing and one which

anyone would respect,** said the counsel-

lor, “but marriage takes in more than we

are likely to realize at first, and its suc-

cess depends not merely on how people feel

toward each other beforehand, but how they

work out their various adjustments during

a lifetime. It is fair to ask yourself these

questions. 'Would I have a good chance

to mean everything to this man if he and

I always go in different directions in our

spiritual life and to a certain extent in our

social life? And could I give in gracefully

to having my children taught that my church

is no real church and that my religious ideas

are not to be trusted?*
**

Could such a person later as a mother bear

to see her own children successively carried

to baptism by others? Could she bear never

to be able as a Protestant to take communion

with her own family?

(

Harmony with In-Laws Desirable

for Happiness

The problem of getting along with in-

laws, often difficult under the best of cir-

cumstances, is always heightened when they

are of different faiths. To cite an extreme

instance, some time ago a middle-aged

woman came into the office of the Com-

17



mission on Marriage and the Home. Show-

ing an unusual amount of agitation she

stated that she was a Catholic and that her

daughter had married a Protestant two years

before. She and her husband had liked the

young man and all would have been well

if they had been married in the Roman

Catholic Church, but they had been mar-

ried by a Protestant minister.

The mother said that the situation might

not be so bad if the girl’s father would be

reconciled to her but that he had taken

the position that so long as she was the

wife of that man she would never see his

face again. She might return home any time

she pleased but not as the wife of the man

whom she had married. Thus parental in-

fluence was marshalled on the side of a

broken marriage. But the young woman,

although the situation brought her great

sorrow, held firmly to her husband. The

mother went to see her occasionally but did

not dare to let the father know of this.

There was a grandchild a year old but the

grandfather would not even see her.

Representatives of the Roman Catholic

Church hold that if one of their members

has been married by a Protestant minister

he or she is not really married. Roman

Catholics call this '’an® attempt to contract

matrimony.” It is sometimes specifically

stated that such a person is living in sin

® See, Why Not a Mixed Marriage f by John A. O’Brien,
Ph.D., LL.D., Paulist Press, New York, p. 10.

IS



however spotless his or her life may be. Such

an idea can, of course, have no standing

outside Roman Catholic circles.

That some mixed marriages do succeed is

a tribute to the power and beauty of love

and to the good sportsmanship of the per-

sons concerned, but even in these cases the

marriages succeed because one side gives

up more than anyone has a right to ask.

And the spiritual agony underneath many

an apparently smooth domestic surface can

be taken for granted when there are chil-

dren before whose eyes the religious faith

of a Christian parent is discounted. The

Roman Catholic partner may even be less

religious, may have much less of the love

of God and the grace of Christ in his heart,

yet he must be the dominant parent relig-

iously. Thus religion becomes a blight rather

than a blessing to the family.

Cooperation and Mutual Respect

Should Exist

How much better it would be if, in those
cases in which young people insist on mar-

rying in spite of religious differences, both

churches would cooperate in helping them

to see the best in each other and in their

respective churches and to create at the

heart of family life a loving spirit of reli-

gious appreciation. So long, however, as

the Roman Church brands all other Chris-

19



tians as *'hereticar’ or '‘schismatic* Roman

Catholic individuals will be handicapped as

marriage partners for men and women of

other lurches.

We wish to be in a relationship of spiri-
tual unity with all of God*s people includ-

ing those of Roman Catholic faith. We also
want to work with them in safeguarding

religious freedom. We cannot, however,
without emphatic protest, allow the teach-

ing that a mixed marriage solemnized by

another minister is no real Christian mar-

riage.

No more can v/e tolerate the idea that
it is the duty of the Roman Catholic mem-

ber to do everything possible through his

home to proselyte while a Christian of an-

other church must avoid even expressing

his deepest religious convictions as if they

were some kind of poison that would de-

stroy his children. A Protestant or other
non-Roman Christian who has found God

in and through his church and who in its

fellowship has had communion with Christ

cannot for a moment tolerate the attitude

of the Roman Catholic Church toward his

faith.

We urge our young people to stand on
their rights as self-respecting Christians

and as members of the great fellowship of

all Christians who cannot in conscience sub-

mit to Roman Catholic domination. They

should respect the freedom and the rights

of all and should cultivate an appreciation



of the best in other faiths but should stand

firm against the requirements of a church

which would handicap them in their family

relationships, and which forbids that when

life is over a Protestant and a Roman Catho-

lic who have lived together as husband and

wife be buried side by side.

Churches Should Make These Issues

Clear To Their Young People

We urge that all churches present these

issues clearly to their people. We urge in
addition that all churches constantly im-

prove their provision for the instruction of

their people in the foundation principles

upon which sound Christian homes can be

built and in the arts of adjustment which

make family life beautiful and creative. We
appreciate the fact that more and more the

churches of our land are recognizing that

preparation for Christian marriage and

family life is an important part of training

in Christian living.

Some ministers are rendering a service

of incalculable value to the church and to

the individuals concerned by providing in

their educational programs helpful courses

of instruction dealing with courtship, mar-

riage and family life. They supplement these

courses by counsel of tested value in help-

ing young people get a good start in mar-

riage. Young people appreciate this help.

21



Such instruction and counseling not only

help marriages to succeed but also create

closer ties between the couple and the min-

ister who marries them and between the
family and the church.

It is, of course, not enough that a hus-

band and wife should be of the same faith.

They must live out that faith in their home

life. With the help of God they should
make their home a center of truth, love

and mutual understanding that through

them the beauty and grace of Christian liv-

ing may be manifest in the world.

Book List

Prepared by L. Foster Wood. Unofficial.

Listing means simply that a book is regarded

as useful in preparation for marriage.

I. PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE

Home Builders of Tomorrow, by Warren D. Bow-
man. Elgin Press. 1938. 123 pp. $1.00. A helpful
study book for church youth groups.

From Friendship to Marriage, by Roy A. Burkhart.

Harpers. 1937. 161 pp. $1.50. Broad sympa-

thetic study for college age young people.

A Guide for a Man and Woman Looking Toward
Marriage, by Roy A. Burkhart, Hearthside Press,

Flushing, N. Y., 1943, 60 pp. $.50. An excel-

lent little book to give to young people at

engagement, or just before marriage.

Marriage is What You Make It, by Sylvanus M.

and Evelyn Millis Duvall, Abingdon-Cokesbury,

1942, J2 pp. $.20. A valuable study course for
young people. Interpretation of love, meaning

of engagement and planning for marriage.

22



Youth and the Homes of Tomorrow, by Edwin T.

"Dahlberg. Judson Press. 1934. 160 pp. $1.00.

A helpful book for youth. Courtship, post-
poned marriages, wedding and honeymoon,

parenthood, work, play and religion.

When You Marry, by Evelyn Millis Duvall and

Reuben Hill. Association Press. 1946. 464 pp.

$3.00. Stimulating and readable college text on

marriage, presenting results of recent research.

Personality and the Family, by Hornell and Ella

Hart. Heath, Revised 1941. 526 pp. $3.25.

Analysis of wise preparation for marriage and

creative living in the family.

Planning for Marriage and Family Life, by W. H.
and Mrs. W. H. Morgan. Association Press,
1943. 85 pp. $.50. Discussion course on vital

issues of courtship and marriage.

Christian Marriage: A Manual on Getting and
Staying Happily Married, by Floyd Van Keuren.

Morehouse-Gorham, 1947, 182 pp. Paper $1.50.

Originally published as
'

'Outfitting for Spiritual

Marriage,” it deals with engagement and mar-

riage. Emphasizes comradeship and spiritual

values.

II. ADJUSTMENTS IN MARRIAGE

Marriage and Sexual Harmony, by Oliver M. But-

terfield. Emerson Books. 1934. 96 pp. $.50. Has

proven very useful for young married people

and those entering marriage.

Harmony in Marriage, by Leland Foster Wood.

Round Table Press. 1939. 122 pp. $1.00 cloth.

$.75 gift edition, with certificate, in white box.

For brides and grooms. Physical, mental and

spiritual harmony. Meaning of parenthood.

23



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