^ r U . j & A o . w a i ì c u u . 
0*\<SL ÍVS VV|IIAEL I -

A D L 9 / M 7 





One in Mind| 

One in Heart, 

One in Affections 



Nihil Obstat: 

EDWARD ANSELM VITIE, O . P . , A . M . 

WILLIAM BERTRAND RYAN, O . P . , S . T . L r . , J . C . D . 

Imprimi Potest: 

WILLIAM DALMATIUS MARRIN, O . P . , P . G . , S . T . D . 

Prior Provincial, St. Joseph's Province 

August 7, 1956 

Imprimatur: 

•F. RUSSELL J . M C V I N N E Y , D . D . 

Bishop of Providence 

August 13, 1956 



One in Mind, 

One in Heart, 

One in Affections 

(A Series of Lectures and Discussions in 

Preparation for Marriage) 

N E W , REVISED EDITION 

Edited by 

T H E REVEREND WILLIAM RICHARD CLARK, O . P . , P H . D . , 

Professor of Sociology, Providence College 

THE PROVIDENCE COLLEGE PRESS 

PROVIDENCE 8, RHODE ISLAND 

1956 



The text of C O L L E C T I O R I T U U M A N G E L I C A E L I N G U A E contained 

herein (Appendix A) is reproduced by license of Confraternity 

of Christian Doctrine, Washington, D. C , owner of the copyright. 

Copyright 1950, 1952, 1956 

By The Providence College Press 

Providence 8, R. I. 

A l l rights reserved. 

N o par t of th is book may be r ep roduced in any f o r m , by m i m e o g r a p h 

o r any o t h e r means , w i t h o u t permiss ion in w r i t i n g f r o m the pub l i shers . 

Library of Congress 

Ca ta logue Card No: 56-13084 

Printed in the United States of America 

By The Rosary Press, Inc., Somerset, Ohio 



Foreword 
During the Lent of 1947, in answer to insistent requests from the 

students of Providence College and from others, the Sociology Department 
and the Chaplain's Office of the College collaborated on a series of lectures 
on Courtship and Marriage. These lectures were delivered by five members of 
the faculty, and were attended by an average of one hundred and seventy-five 
persons. Those responsible for the series were sufficiently gratified to promise 
that it would be repeated the following year. 

This was done in 1948, 1949, and 1950. During the Lent of 1949 and 
again in the Fall of the same year, the editor and Father Michael P. Coyne, 
O.P., presented the same material in two series for engaged and married 
couples at St. Pius Priory. The 1950 series, then, represents a refinement of 
the five previous courses. It was, from the point of view of attendance by far 
the most successful, with an average of more than two hundred and fifty 
persons present for each of the six discussions. There were approximately 
four hundred present for the talk by the "Catholic Physician." 

The 1950 Lenten Series is presented here, very much the way it 
occurred. Stenographic records were kept at each session and with only slight 
changes here and there each is reproduced almost word-for-word. The talk 
by the married couple is presented in more detail, as also is the physician's 
talk, because the discussion or question period assumed more importance in 
those than in the other talks. For teaching purposes, "Questions for Review" 
and "Questions for Discussion" are appended to each of the chapters, with 
the exception of the one by the physician. We feel that his treatment of the 
lecture material as well as the questions put to him is rather complete. Here, 
only review questions are listed. 

The technique used in this series was as follows: the program was 
divided into a straight lecture and a question period. After the lecture a five-
minute intermission was declared during which those present had an oppor-
tunity to write questions on slips of paper distributed by student ushers. 
These questions constituted the material for the second half of the program. 
During this part of the evening the discussion was open to the floor, but no 
one asked a question vocally; only the written questions were discussed. It 
might be added that ten percent of those in attendance were married; another 
twenty-five percent, engaged. 

We are indebted to all those who contributed to the success of all of 
the Lenten series, and we have only praise for the contributors of this 
pamphlet. We are grateful to those who so kindly read the Pro Manuscripto 
edition and sent in their comments. A word of thanks to Mrs. William J. 



Flatley and Mrs. Owen M. Bannon must be spoken for their stenographic 
work, and Mr. Joseph F. Cavanaugh, B.F.A., who did the art work. 

NOVEMBER 15 , 1 9 5 0 W . R . C . 

In little more than one year the first printing of 5,000 copies was dis-
posed of to schools, colleges, study clubs, Cana groups, and parishes. In pre-
paring the second edition it was decided to include one of the papers from 
the 1951 series, the one on the "Sanctifying Power of Matrimony," a topic 
which is sometimes overlooked in marriage preparation.—We are grateful to 
all who, by their purchases of the first edition and by their encouragement, 
have helped to make this second, revised edition possible. 

MARCH 7, 1952 W. R. C. 

T H E 1 9 5 6 EDITION 

In one sense of the word each annual Providence College Marriage 
Forum is a revision of the preceding ones. And so, this new edition of 
One in Mind . . . is built upon those that have gone before it. This edition 
has some completely new material in it, such as the second chapter, and the 
fourth chapter. The new ritual for Matrimony is included in Appendix A, 
and some new titles are included in the "Recommended Readings." 

The editor is grateful to all who have participated in the Forums for 
the past ten years and also to all who have, by their purchases of previous 
editions, created the demand for this fourth printing. 

AUGUST 15 , 1 9 5 6 W . R . C . 

6 



Contents 

Foreword 5 

1. GETTING ACQUAINTED (On Courtship and Chastity) 

Fr. Charles H. McKenna, O.P 9 

2. GETTING INSTRUCTED (On the Sacrament of Matrimony) 

Fr. Joseph S. McCormack, O.P 21 

3. GETTING THE RIGHT ANSWERS (On the Morals of Marriage) 
Fr. John P. Kenny, O.P 28 

4. GETTING ALONG (On Marriage and Family Adjustment) 

Four Married Couples 39 

5. GETTING THE FACTS (On the Medical and Personal Side) 
A Catholic Physician 50 

6. GETTING MARRIED (On the Contract and Ceremonies of Marriage) 
Fr. William J. Carey 86 

7. GETTING THE CROWN (On the Sanctifying Power of Marriage) 
Fr. Hhomas H. McBrien, O.P 96 

APPENDIX A . The Catholic Rite of Marriage, the Nuptial Mass 

with the Nuptial Blessing 103 

APPENDIX B. Recommended Readings 109 

INDEX 1 1 2 

7 



¡ ¡ • M 



1. (jetting cAcquainted 

(On Courtship and Chastity) 

Fr. Charles H. McKenna, O.P. 

Tl/fARRIAGE is a vocation, a dis-
tinct vocation for certain souls. 

It is a serious and sacred union of 
man and woman for life, not in the 
manner of a business partnership, 
but rather in a most intimate relation-
ship affecting their present, future, 
and even eternal destinies. To per-
petuate Divine Life on earth Christ 
established His priesthood and gave 
us the sacrament of the Holy Eucha-
rist. To perpetuate human life, the 
Creator not only endowed man and 
woman with certain physical and 
mutually complementary characteris-
tics, but He also implanted in them 
natural impulses and objectives which 
are consecrated in the sacrament of 
Matrimony. Both the priesthood and 
the married state are vocations. Both 
are blessed with sacraments. Both are 
lifetime consecrations—thou art a 
priest forever; husband and wife take 
each other until death do us part. 

Now the Church is particularly 

careful about those whom she an-
noints as priests, or whom she admits 
into her service in the religious life. 
For those who would share in her 
ministry she demands a long period 
of study and preparation, while for 
the religious life a time of novitiate 
is required in which the candidate 
has an opportunity to investigate the 
life that eventually will be his, to 
live according to its rule and to learn 
something of the responsibilities and 
obligations of such a career. 

Novitiate to Marriage 
The period of courtship is some-

what similar to the novitiate for the 
religious life. It is a time of investi-
gation and preparation for that com-
mon life which begins with the re-
ception of the sacrament of Matri-
mony. Since marriage is a real voca-
tion to a divinely instituted mode of 
living, since it is a union of husband 
and wife until death, the people who 

The Very Reverend Charles H. McKenna, O.P., B.Litt. (Oxon), LL.D., was chaplain of 
the students at Providence College for fifteen years; he is now prior of St. Stephen's 
House of Philosophy at Dover, Mass. 

9 



enter into it should not do so with 
too great haste, nor without the 
proper appreciation of all its respon-
sibilities, realizing that the better one 
prepares for it, the more likely it is to 
be a happy and successful union. The 
boy and girl, to quote the phrase of 
Father Bede Jarrett, "should be ap-
prenticed, as it were, to the trade of 
family life." They should look into 
the family life of their own homes 
and study the reasons for the success 
of their parents. They should learn 
wisely of others whose households 
are an inspiration. Unless fundamen-
tals are understood beforehand and 
realities seen, at least in outline, the 
future "with its hopes and disap-
pointments, its successes and its fail-
ures" may be unbearably rough and 
embarrassing. 

Sacrifice Necessary 
It cannot be too forcibly impressed 

on the minds of those contemplating 
marriage that although marriage 
serves many purposes and brings im-
measurable happiness, nevertheless it 
demands positive sacrifice, sometimes 
for long periods, and a mutual give 
and take in matters in which each has 
held a stubborn point of view. Every 
advantage received in matrimony 
seems to exact a yielding of a corre-
sponding freedom, yet every sacrifice 
involved means a commensura te 
benefit. It gives strength and en-
durance to the bond of partnership, 
but only at the cost of mutual co-
operation and confidence. It offers 
social stability and protection and, at 

the same time, imposes social re-
straints and limitations. It allows and 
ennobles physical gratification, but, in 
turn, demands a mutual self-surren-
der and the obligation to accept the 
responsibilities that may follow as a 
consequence of this physical union. 

"Window-shopping" 
The initial stage of courtship might 

be called the "Discovery Era." Be-
fore true courtship really exists there 
is generally a period of investigation, 
of romantic window-shopping. Both 
boy and girl look over the eligibles. 
This is the time when practically 
every date is with a different boy or 
with a different girl. Sometimes a 
couple will go out together for a 
month or more and then if one or 
the other begins to "get serious" a 
new partner is immediately sought. 
This process goes on for a while with 
the usual waverings of the affections, 
the awakening of enthusiastic inter-
ests followed by a series of wounding 
disappointments. But despite the sur-
face attitude of flippancy there may 
be, in fact there should be, a very 
serious search for genuine value. The 
choice of one must eventually be 
made by both the boy and the girl. 
Marriage is with one partner. It is an 
investment not only for life, but an 
investment of life. 

Many things cause initial attrac-
tion. Physical beauty and personal 
charm play a great part in bringing 
together young people; a kindred 
field of interest, or work, a similarity 
of taste in literature, music, or the 

10 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



theatre may be other reasons. But 
these are really accidental and, im-
portant chiefly at the outset. Subse-
quently, however, the hidden quali-
ties, the deeper and more sterling 
revelations of character should gain 
pre-eminence and help in the defi-
nite selection of this particular boy 
or girl. 

Theoretically, for both the choice 
is equal. But because the girl too fre-
quently does not wish to take the 
chance of remaining single through-
out life, she makes the decision 
sooner than the boy. Unfortunately, 
at times this decision is prompted not 
by love, but because there is, or there 
seems to be, no immediate prospect 
of another choice. The natural desire 
for motherhood in every woman and 
the fear of "remaining on the shelf" 
with all the accompanying stigma at-
tached to that state is the true motive 
for this hasty selection. Too late is it 
realized that it would have been bet-
ter to have stayed single than to have 
entered into an unhappy marriage— 
until death—is the wisdom of the 
old adage impressed on her: "Marry 
in haste, and repent at leisure." 

Going Steady 

Gradually this period of shopping 
narrows itself down to the choice of 
the individual partner. Perhaps the 
selection was slow in coming; per-
haps it was delayed because of neces-
sity. But eventually there is that un-
forgettable occasion, usually some 
night, when the heavens seemed to 
take on a new glory, when the moon 

appeared brighter than ever before 
and the stars more brilliant, when the 
air was more exhilarating, when the 
world had taken on a new meaning. 
Life had suddenly become more pur-
poseful. In the quietude of each 
other's company, it was discovered 
that boy and girl are in love. The 
girl thinks that she has found the 
man of her ideals, or at least as near 
to those ideals as possible; the boy 
feels that this is the girl of his choice, 
the one he wishes to make the mother 
of his children, the only one that was 
ever made like her. 

Once the decision has been made it 
is followed by a period in which the 
affections are quickened. There is a 
constant search on the part of each 
to say and to do the things that please 
each other. The free moments of the 
day, and the sleepless hours of the 
night are spent in planning things 
that will be mutually enjoyable. 
There are frequent treasure hunts 
through the stores, trying to find 
gifts for each other's birthday, for 
Christmas and other occasions. 

In this period the boy seeks to se-
cure his position and to cement his 
affections. He showers his attention 
on the girl and endeavors to make 
himself acceptable to her parents. 
She, on her part, tries to understand 
better her fiance and to make herself 
acceptable to his parents. 

Consider the "Old-folks" 

Why should parents be consid-
ered? After all, boy takes girl and 
girl takes boy, not each other's fam-

GETTING ACQUAINTED 11 



ily. That is true; the marriage con-
tract is between the boy and the girl, 
but how often do parents attempt to 
interfere with their children's plans? 
How often do parents attempt to ar-
range a marriage according to their 
longtime secret ambitions. One does 
not have to search for long, nor very 
far, to find examples of parents who 
for reasons of social prestige, of 
wealth, or of personal advantage 
forced their sons and their daughters 
into unhappy marriages without any 
consideration of the wishes of the 
parties themselves. Such interference 
and coercion, under certain circum-
stances, may vitiate the marriage con-
tract and render it null and void. 

Compatible? 

The principal purpose of courtship 
is to find out whether the couple can 
adapt themselves to a common life, 
to see whether their personal lives 
are compatible, whether their love 
can stand the test of sacrifice and per-
sist through periods of difference and 
difficulty. Much time will be spent 
together, at dances, in restaurants, 
and in the theatre. There will be 
automobile drives together, walks 
through the park and parties with 
friends. But the most important op-
portunities for discovering the possi-
bilities of a successful marriage will 
be found in the hours that are spent 
at home, away from all the artificial 
stimulation and the external excite-
ment and glamor of public enter-
tainment. Here they will learn to 
know and respect each other. As fu-

ture man and wife their lives to-
gether will be lived in the home, and 
the proper time to discover whether 
they are capable of establishing a true 
home is the period of courtship. Can 
they carry on for any length of time 
a serious conversation about topics of 
mutual interest? Are their cultural 
likes so diverse that discussion is im-
possible? Are their ideals and stand-
ards of morality, of economics, of 
social life such that there can be no 
agreement ? The answers to these 
questions will be unfolded in the 
quiet hours spent together at home. 

Not Compatible! 

If perchance it should be discov-
ered that a harmonious future cannot 
be foreseen, that the pattern of these 
two lives cannot be reconciled, then 
a separation should take place imme-
diately. The fear of emotional upsets, 
the apprehension of what other peo-
ple will say, should not be made the 
reasons for prolonging a courtship 
which will eventually end in tragedy. 
In all such cases time is a great 
healer. A change of scenery also may 
help one to forget a broken romance, 
although this may not always be pos-
sible because of family obligations or 
economic necessity. But to continue 
keeping company when it is known 
that marriage is out of the question 
merely postpones the difficulties of 
separation and delays the chances for 
each party to begin a new romance 
with someone else. For the girl this 
can be most unfair, because time 
works more to her disadvantage than 

12 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



to the boy's. The longer she waits to 
find the truly compatible partner, the 
more limited is the choice, if she is 
given the opportunity of a choice at 
all. 

But the couple who have tried 
themselves in the school of daily 
living, who have investigated their 
differences in thought and habit, who 
have weighed their sensitive natures 
and finally come to the conclusion 
that marriage is possible, then, with 
the help of God, they may look for-
ward to a future filled with the hap-
piness that comes only from true 
love. 

True Compatibility 
This true compatibility of the boy 

and girl is assured if both have simi-
lar or complementary tastes and hab-
its. It is not necessary that their likes 
and dislikes be identical, but each 
must be ready to appreciate the 
other's temperament and eccentrici-
ties. Each must be willing to make 
concessions in favor of the other. 
This yielding to the ideas of the 
other must be mutual. It must not al-
ways be the boy who gives in to the 
girl, or the girl who constantly has 
to do what the boy wants. There 
should also, of course, be some com-
mon interests which can be shared 
together, especially during leisure 
time. 

Social Compatibility 
Social compatibility is another es-

sential to marital happiness. This 
does not mean that there must be 
equality of social prominence, or of 
wealth, but it does demand a har-

mony of ideals and social adaptabil-
ity. Class distinction is not part of 
our American system of life. The tra-
ditions of our national and social life 
are founded on the equality of indi-
viduals. Not infrequently, however, 
social and economic differences create 
hazards to a happy married life. This 
is particularly true if the wealthy 
party receives expensive gifts and fi-
nancial assistance from his parents. 
A patronizing attitude is sometimes 
manifested by wealthy in-laws which 
makes the less fortunate member feel 
that he has lost his economic inde-
pendence, or gives him the sense of 
a social orphan, who has been sud-
denly elevated to a station which 
would have been unobtainable with-
out this help. It puts a stigma on 
lowliness of birth and poverty that is 
not easily erased. 

During the time of courtship the 
young couple should endeavor to en-
joy themselves within the capacity of 
the boy's income or allowance. For a 
girl always to seek luxurious gifts 
and costly entertainment may create 
the impression that she has such ex-
pensive tastes that even with a rea-
sonable salary the boy would never 
expect to support her in the future in 
the style to which she has been accus-
tomed. Consequently, that romance is 
ended. Or, for the boy always to sug-
gest that he take the girl to the most 
expensive night clubs and to the most 
highly priced shows, when he really 
cannot afford to do so, deliberately 
leads the girl to false impressions of 
his economic standard. Frankness in 

GETTING ACQUAINTED 13 



such matters may be a little humiliat-
ing on occasion, but if the truth is 
not made known at the outset, then 
false criteria may be set up and when 
the sham is eventually revealed—as it 
must—disillusionment and discon-
tent are the normal results. 

Extravagance is understandable and 
tolerable on rare occasions: a birth-
day, a college junior promenade, or 
some similar event. These are excep-
tional instances, however, and a boy 
who pretends that such is the normal 
routine is doing a grave injustice to 
himself and to his girl. He is inviting 
future trouble when it becomes ap-
parent that his wallet just will not 
support a continuous round of such 
activities with all their attendant 
appeal. 

Religious Compatibility 

A common faith and religious 
background are the cornerstone of a 
happy marriage. Differences of reli-
gion hit at the very basis of the mar-
ried life. The Church, with the divine 
authority that is hers, and the wisdom 
that is based on the experience of 
centuries, places obstacles in the way 
of a mixed marriage, that is, a mar-
riage between a Catholic and a non-
Catholic. The reason for these ob-
stacles is to create a greater awareness 
on the part of the young couple of 
this very fundamental difference and 
to cause them to think well before 
entering into the life-lasting contract. 

The whole relation of the emo-
tional and sensual life, the question 
of children, their baptism, education, 

and religious instruction are involved 
in mixed marriages. These are root 
issues, and where there is friction or 
disagreement on them, trouble is sure 
to follow. Not too infrequently the 
bitterness engendered by these prob-
lems becomes so tense and so con-
stant that the home is disrupted and 
the family separated. 

Certain promises must be signed 
by the non-Catholic before the mar-
riage ceremony can take place. First 
of all, the Catholic doctrine of mar-
riage as an enduring contract "until 
death," must be recognized. Then the 
non-Catholic specifically states that 
the Catholic shall in no way be im-
peded from the free and complete 
practice of his religion; secondly, that 
all children—not just the boys, or 
just the girls, but all—will be bap-
tized and raised in the Catholic 
Faith; lastly, it is pledged that no 
other ceremony, either civil or reli-
gious, will take place before or after 
the Catholic wedding. These prom-
ises are made in writing and must be 
witnessed by a priest. The mere ex-
pression of good will and a verbal 
pronouncement to observe them are 
not sufficient. The signed document 
must be forwarded to the bishop of 
the diocese where the wedding is to 
take place, and he gives the dispensa-
tion and the permission for the mar-
riage ceremony. 

Even after these promises have 
been made and the marriage cere-
mony over, there may be difficulty 
and unrest because the non-Catholic 
takes very lightly, or completely dis-

14 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



regards the pledge not to interfere 
with the Catholic's practice of reli-
gion. Because he is no longer con-
cerned with the struggle to obtain 
the partner of his choice, and takes 
advantage of the security of a Catho-
lic marriage, his sworn pledge loses 
its meaning. For instance, a Catholic 
is obliged under pain of serious sin 
to attend Mass on Sundays and Holy-
days. It may happen that on occasions 
an outing of some sort had been 
planned on one of these days, and an 
early start is desirable. The Catholic 
insisted on first going to Mass, which 
gave rise to an argument. The brief 
delay caused by this fulfillment of 
the Commandment and obligation to 
God was made the reason for "run-
ning into heavy traffic" or any other 
inconvenience that occurred during 
the whole day. Or, the Catholic hus-
band should say that he does not 
want breakfast early on a certain day 
because he intends to receive Holy 
Communion, and the non-Catholic 
wife decides that there will be "only 
one breakfast served in this house." 
If her husband wants breakfast he 
either takes it when it is served, or 
he does not eat breakfast that day at 
home. Multiplied over the course of 
years, such instances become not a 
little annoying and produce positive 
rancor and unhappiness.* 

The best protection against a 
mixed marriage is to avoid keeping 

* A further discussion of the Church's 
attitude toward mixed marriage is to be 
found in Chapter VI, under the treatment 
of impediments. 

company with a person of a different 
religion. It is often difficult, some-
times too late, to break up after the 
couple has fallen in love. To prevent 
trouble, avoid the circumstances that 
cause it. Perhaps it will be objected 
that a mixed marriage is an opportu-
nity to effect a conversion of a Protes-
tant. This is true, but unfortunately 
experience has proven that the num-
ber of conversions which do take 
place occur quite often after the cou-
ple has lived together many years. 
Sometimes it is the occasion of a 
child's first Holy Communion that 
proves the inspiration, sometimes it 
does not happen until the silver jubi-
lee, or even later. Therefore it is re-
peated, and with emphasis, that com-
pany keeping with people not of the 
same faith is one way to invite an 
unhappy marriage. 

Clean of Heart 

Two people who have discovered 
that they are in love want to do 
more than merely tell each other 
about it, they want to manifest it. 
This is natural. But demonstrations 
of affection must be held within the 
bounds of the moral law and the ac-
cepted standards of social propriety. 
True love tends towards union, a 
union of hearts, not necessarily of 
bodies, certainly not before marriage. 

There are men who will attempt, 
even on the first date, to persuade a 
girl to yield to their sensual de-
mands. There are girls who believe 
that the only way to attract and to 
hold a man is to allow him liberties 

GETTING ACQUAINTED 15 



and erotic pleasures which belong 
only to those who are married. 
Courtships based upon these ideas 
put love as a synonym for sex and 
cannot have an enduring value. A 
marriage that has its origins in such 
circumstances is practically certain to 
end in disappointments and disaster. 

True love is something noble, dig-
nified, precious. True love is some-
thing natural, but it is also very spir-
itual. If it seeks to unite two beings 
of opposite sex into one, if it seeks 
to bring together two intellects, two 
free wills into one life, it is because 
the Creator "made them male and 
female," and because the Second 
Person of the Blessed Trinity conse-
crated this union in the sacrament of 
Matrimony. The husband and wife 
who share such conjugal love will 
enjoy real, lasting happiness. On the 
other hand, the couple whose love is 
based solely on sexual attraction will 
know no other, no higher enjoyment, 
than the sensual, which is ephemeral 
and as changeable as the ocean tide. 

"Blessed are the clean of heart for 
they shall see God" was the message 
of Christ on the Mount of the Beati-
tudes. He was speaking to all peoples 
of all ages. It was a doctrine not only 
for those of His time, but it was a 
universal principle, equally applica-
ble to our own day, despite the cur-
rent public disregard for the sacred-
ness of marital love. The boy and 
girl who indulge in pre-marital sex-
ual relationships steal the joy of the 
honeymoon, weaken the affections 
because the emphasis is placed on the 

sensual, and lastly, invite suspicion 
and lack of mutual confidence in the 
faithfulness of each other after mar-
riage. 

It is not wrong to show affections 
by caresses and kisses, but when these 
reach the intensity that cause either 
the boy or the girl to become physi-
cally excited, then it is time to change 
the scene, time to have a smoke, time 
to quit. Of course, if the intention 
is wrong at the outset then it is defi-
nitely a sin. To continue demonstrat-
ing affections under these circum-
stances is to expose oneself to the 
deliberate occasion of sin, which is 
itself sinful because it is toying with 
the grace of God. It is setting the 
stage for sin and then hoping— 
maybe praying—that sin will not 
happen. 

Temptation 

Temptation is strong, passion is 
powerful, youthful love is grasping 
for union, but temperateness must 
guide the young couple in their 
courtship. This is not simply a nega-
tive thing, a policy of restraint, but a 
positive and creative virtue. It is an 
essential quality of love because it 
sees the human body as the temple 
of the Holy Ghost, the sanctuary of 
God, and it treats that body with 
reverence. To do otherwise is to be 
irreverent to God. 

Temperateness is one of the vir-
tues that is acquired by diligent self-
discipline, a continued chastising of 
the assertive cravings of the flesh. 
Hence, instead of being masters, en-
slaving the soul, these cravings be-

16 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



come what God intended them to be, 
a part of the total, unified personal-
ity. The practice of this virtue, there-
fore, safeguards and perfects the life 
of the senses by steadfast restraint 
and by the development of a deep 
appreciation for the purpose and the 
position of man in the Divine econ-
omy. Since love is the total enchant-
ment of being and identical with 
what is good and beautiful, it fol-
lows that true love is not possible 
without temperateness. Sensual indul-
gence is an isolated part of the ex-
pression of love, and, separated from 
the whole being, it is naturally selfish 
and destructive. One does not love 
less, but more, when the passions are 
ordered and controlled by reverence 
for the human body and a respect for 
the laws of the Creator. It is well to 
remember that boys who are per-
mitted sensual liberties by girls fre-
quently do not choose these same 
girls to be their wives and the moth-
ers of their children. Boys will often 
take every advantage of such oppor-
tunities for pleasure, but when it 
comes to the permanent partner in 
life, they want to feel that they are 
taking a girl that has not been vio-
lated by another man. Restraint, 
therefore, in the days of courtship, 
may be well rewarded by happiness 
in marriage and an unquestioned con-
fidence in each other's fidelity. 

One of the best known means of 
helping to preserve purity during the 
days of courtship is to "double date," 
that is, for two or more couples to go 
out together. "There is safety in 

numbers" goes an old saying, and 
there is a great amount of wisdom in 
it. Certainly it is much easier to con-
trol one's emotions and to keep pas-
sions disciplined when others are 
present. Even if it is not possible for 
several couples to go out together, a 
good practice is for the boy and the 
girl not to seek isolated spots where 
opportunity for unbridled emotional 
display is possible. To stay out in the 
open, to keep in public view may be 
restraining, but it is good insurance 
against wrongdoing. This may sound 
like mid-Victorian advice; neverthe-
less, it is still helpful in maintaining 
self-respect and purity in love. 

The Ring 

After the boy and girl have been 
keeping company for some time and 
have made the decision that they are 
meant for each other, the engage-
ment is announced. Weeks may be 
spent in trying to choose the engage-
ment ring. Perhaps the ring will be 
purchased on the installment plan 
(unknown to the girl); but whatever 
the circumstances it will be bought 
only after physical and economic sac-
rifice. All that the ring symbolizes, 
however, is sufficient compensation 
for every sacrifice involved. 

Primarily the ring is a pledge of 
marriage and a sign of the bond 
which will bind them together for 
life. Made of gold, or some other 
precious metal, it portrays the value 
and the rarity of true love. The dia-
mond reflects the interior joy of the 
engaged couple, while its crystal 

GETTING ACQUAINTED 17 



clearness is indicative of the purity 
that should animate their affections. 
The ring is a public proclamation 
that from this day forward the couple 
belong to each other, and the an-
nouncement of the wedding date is 
awaited. 

Engagement 

The period of engagement is a 
time of specialized study; it is the 
graduate work in the school of ro-
mance. Conflicts of opinion may be 
more apparent as the hidden quali-
ties of personality are revealed and 
the willingness to adapt oneself to 
economic and social standards is 
made more evident. The capacity to 
build and to maintain a home is, at 
least, foreshadowed as they search 
for furniture and have long conver-
sations about who will be invited to 
the wedding and who will be the 
attendants. This is the most crucial 
time of courtship because of the fre-
quent occasions when they are alone 
for long periods planning the future, 
and the increased intimacy that comes 
as the day for the wedding gets 
closer. If ever there was a time for 
self-discipline, it is during the last 
few months of the engagement. 

No new privileges are conferred 
by the announcement of the engage-
ment, as so many like to believe. On 
the contrary, the nearer the wedding 
day approaches, the more should the 
engaged couple strive to remain pure 
in their affections. While the dangers 
are increased, there is also a greater 
opportunity to prove their individual 
fidelity to that which is right and to 

build an impregnable confidence in 
each other. 

A much disputed question is "how 
long should the courtship last?" 
Every case is different and, conse-
quently, it is difficult to give a specific 
answer. Certainly, courtships and en-
gagements should not be drawn out. 
A year—at the most, two years—is 
considered a sufficient duration for 
an engagement. Ordinarily the young 
man and young woman should have 
found out in that length of time 
whether they are suited to each 
other. Of course, circumstances of 
emergency, family obligation, or fi-
nancial difficulties may alter the indi-
vidual case. But when a courtship is 
prolonged into five, seven, or even 
ten years, there is obviously a lack of 
intention to marry. Furthermore, pro-
tracted courtships are spiritually dan-
gerous because, as the affection is in-
creased, so also is the danger of sin-
ning. With no possibility of getting 
married in the foreseeable future the 
idea of "going steady" should be 
abandoned. 

With God's Help 

Man cannot afford to forget his 
Creator, to ignore his complete de-
pendence upon God. Moreover, the 
words of Christ have re-echoed down 
through the centuries: "Without Me 
you can do nothing." Certainly in 
such an important matter as choosing 
a partner for life, it seems that divine 
guidance should be sought. Our 
Blessed Lord prayed before selecting 
the Apostles, who were to be his 

18 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



companions for three years and then 
to continue His mission after His 
Ascension into Heaven. Was He not 
giving humans an example, pointing 
the way for man to seek enlighten-
ment at the time of choosing a com-
panion for life? 

During the period of courtship, 
too, spiritual assistance is necessary 
to preserve purity in the young cou-
ple's relationships. "My Grace is suf-
ficient for thee," is the assurance of 
Christ to St. Paul at the time of 
temptation. But with sexual impulses 
so strong and public vice so preva-
lent, is not grace needed in abun-
dance to persist in love's ideal? 

The prayers of the wedding cere-
mony invoke the divine blessing on 
the common life which is just begin-
ning at the altar. A special blessing, 
given during the Nuptial Mass, asks 
that the union may be fruitful and 
that all the offspring may enjoy heav-
enly protection. After that common 
life has begun and the glamor of the 
honeymoon has worn away, there 
may be many occasions when the 
tranquility of the household is threat-
ened. It is then that a prayer to the 
Prince of Peace should be offered 

asking Him to restore domestic har-
mony. There may be other occasions 
when it will be consoling to turn to 
Him Who came in poverty, that we 
might know the riches of divine 
gifts, and beg for spiritual and ma-
terial help in a time of economic 
crisis. It will always be inspiring to 
glance up at the Crucifix adorning 
the wall of every Catholic home, and 
see Divine Love with outstretched 
arms renewing for us the lesson that 
true love demands sacrifice. 

Thè Catholic who looks upon mar-
riage as a vocation with serious obli-
gations and responsibilities will very 
early in the days of romance learn 
the necessity of turning to prayer and 
of putting trust in Him Who said: 
"Come to Me . . ." The road may be 
rough and the young couple may 
know dark days of trial, of want, of 
disappointment, but no matter how 
troublous the times may seem, cour-
age will not be lacking, because their 
marriage was founded on true love. 
Husband and wife see in each other 
a mutual inspiration. They know, 
even in difficulty, the calmness, the 
happiness, the security of a union 
"until death." 

GETTING ACQUAINTED 19 



QUESTIONS FOK REVIEW 

1. What is meant by the expression: "Courtship is the novitiate to the mar-
ried state?" 2. What is the discovery era in courtship? 3. Should parents 
be considered during courtship? 4. Why should a couple look for compati-
bilities during courtship? 5. What is true compatibility? 6. Should a couple 
have identical tastes to be compatible? 7. What about economic and social 
status? 8. How important is religious compatibility? 9. How can one avoid 
a mixed marriage? 10. Does "being in love" grant moral liberties to a cou-
ple? 11. Does being engaged allow greater moral liberties ? 12. Is true love 
noble? 13. Why is temperateness important to true love? 14. How long is 
the ideal engagement? 15. Should a couple pray for guidance during court-
ship? 

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION 

1. How can Catholic boys and girls meet one another? 2. Should date bu-
reaus be run by schools and colleges? 3. Should a couple when not yet going 
steady attend a lecture series such as this one? 4. Is it advisable for a young 
man to spend a week-end with his fiance's family? 5. With the possibility of 
another world war, what do you think of war-time marriages ? 6. If the young 
woman does not agree with her fiance on matters of politics, world conditions, 
etc., does this mean that the couple is not suited to each other? 

20 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



• Getting instructed 

(On the Sacrament of Matrimony) 

Fr. Joseph S. McCormack, O.P. 

WHAT I have to say to you this evening I should like to say 
with the background, so to speak, of 
two scriptural quotations. The first is 
taken from the First Epistle of St. 
John: "God is Love, and who abides 
in love abides in God, and God in 
him." (4:16) The other quotation is 
taken from the Book of Tobias and 
represents the young Tobias speaking 
to his bride on their wedding night: 
"For we are the children of saints, 
and we must not be joined as the 
heathen who knows not God." (8:5) 

The classic source for the Church's 
teaching on marriage is the Encyclical 
Letter of Pope Pius XI, entitled 
"Chaste Wedlock," and is more pop-
ularly known as the encyclical on 
Christian Marriage. In the very first 
paragraph of his encyclical the Holy 
Father reaffirms three truths which 
form the basis for Catholic teaching 
on marriage. These truths are: 1) 

Marriage was instituted by God Him-
self. 2) Our Divine Lord elevated 
marriage to the dignity of a sacra-
ment. 3) He left its care and admin-
istration to the Church. 

It will be our purpose to empha-
size the second of these truths, 
namely, that Our Blessed Lord ele-
vated marriage to the dignity of a 
sacrament. The third of these state-
ments—that Our Saviour left the care 
and adminstration of marriage to the 
Church—will be treated later. And 
by way of introduction to our main 
point this evening we want to make 
brief notice of the truth that marriage 
was instituted by God Himself. 

Divine Institution 
When we say that marriage is of 

divine institution, we are saying no 
more than what is said in Sacred 
Scripture concerning the creation of 
man when it is said "male and fe-

Reverend Joseph Stephen McCormack, O.P., S.T.Lr., S.T.D., is Head of the Department 
of Theology at Providence College and an assistant to the chaplain of the students. He 
has been engaged in teaching for fifteen years. 

21 



male He created them." Just as 
human life is no cosmic accident, but 
a divine creation, so the fact that man 
differs from woman is of divine plan-
ning; and this fact of physical dif-
ference between them is ordained by 
God for the propagation of the hu-
man race. This is the basis of the 
teaching that matrimony is of divine 
institution. 

It is necessary to reaffirm this truth 
again and again in discussion about 
marriage, since outside the Catholic 
Church, there is little recognition of 
this fundamental fact. In contem-
porary society marriage is looked 
upon largely as of human institution ; 
something that was evolved by hu-
man ingenuity with the growth of 
man's social consciousness. Of course, 
if marriage is simply a man-made in-
stitution, it can be dissolved by man ; 
and infidelity in marriage will be 
looked upon as not much more than 
an excusable breach of good manners. 
That is why divorce and to a lesser 
degree infidelity are so lightly re-
garded today. Men and women have 
forgotten that marriage is God's in-
stitution, and the breaking of its laws 
are a breaking of God's laws. 

These truths, which in the course 
of history, after the fall of our first 
parents, became dimmer in men's 
minds, blinded as they were by the 
effects of original sin, were reaf-
firmed for us by Our Divine Lord 
when He said, "What God has 
joined together, let no man put 
asunder." Marriage, He was saying 
in effect, is of God's institution ; 

therefore, no power on earth can 
dissolve a true marriage. 

Sacrament 

Our Divine Saviour did more, 
however, than reaffirm the natural 
sacredness of the marriage tie. He 
elevated marriage to the dignity of 
a sacrament. What does this well-
worn expression mean ? And what 
difference does it make that marriage 
is a sacrament? 

To appreciate in some measure 
what it means, let us recall that the 
Sacraments are designed to continue 
the work of Our Saviour in this 
world. When the Second Person of 
the Blessed Trinity became Man, it 
was because God's Love wished to 
restore mankind to its original dig-
nity by destroying the effects of orig-
inal sin. Our Saviour's earthly life 
was confined to a little corner of the 
earth, and He was present visibly 
among men for but the short space 
of thirty-three years. In spite of the 
fact that He was with us in visible 
form for so short a time, and that 
He is no longer visibly among us, 
His work must go on and it does go 
on. It continues by means of the 
sacraments. True, Our Lord no 
longer personally pours the water of 
Baptism, He no longer with audible 
voice pronounces the words, "Thy 
sins are forgiven thee," He no longer 
personally distributes Holy Commun-
ion as He did at the Last Supper, 
but His work of sanctification goes 
on through the administration of 
these Sacraments which He insti-

22 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



tuted. It is He who ultimately 
achieves our rebirth at Baptism, our 
forgiveness in Penance, our strength-
ening in Confirmation, our nourish-
ment in Holy Communion—but He 
achieves these effects through the 
sacred signs which were instituted 
by Him to continue the sanctification 
of the world. It is one of the means 
instituted by Our Lord to make you 
holier, to make you less susceptible 
to the weakness inherited by original 
sin. 

In Baptism, we have a natural 
material thing like water used to 
bring Christ's grace to a soul; in 
Confirmation we have a natural ma-
terial thing like oil to bring further 
holiness and strength to the soul; 
and in marriage we have a natural 
material thing used to bring to the 
soul sanctification. As you know, the 
ministers of this sacrament are the 
contracting parties. The priest, it is 
true, is, in normal circumstances, an 
indispensable witness to the marriage 
contract; but that is the priest's func-
tion at the marriage ceremony: to be 
a witness. The contracting parties are 
the ones who administer this sacra-
ment. So true is this, that baptized 
persons cannot enter into the con-
tract of matrimony without receiving 
a sacrament. 

The fact that matrimony is a sacra-
ment is a truth of tremendous sig-
nificance. It means this—among other 
things—that when you join hands in 
the marriage ceremony and take each 
other for husband and wife, by that 
fact (and presupposing you are in the 

state of grace, as you should be, be-
cause this is a sacrament of the liv-
ing) and by that fact alone, you 
make each other holier, more pleas-
ing in the sight of God. You give to 
each other an increase of sanctifying 
grace. You not only come together 
as a result of the marriage contract 
—in the sense that there is estab-
lished an unbreakable moral bond 
between you—your togetherness is a 
togetherness with Our Lord. The 
holy state of matrimony is not an 
idle or just a pretty phrase. It is 
literal truth. 

Effect of the Sacrament 
Let us look at this matter of the 

Sacrament of Matrimony from an-
other angle—from what we might 
call a more practical angle—from the 
viewpoint of what the Sacrament of 
Matrimony does for you. 

Probably you remember the ques-
tion asked in your Catechism: Why 
did Our Lord institute the Sacrament 
of Matrimony? And you recall, I am 
sure, the answer: 

Our Lord instituted the Sacrament 
of Matrimony: 1) to sanctify the 
love of husband and wife 2) to give 
them grace to bear with each others 
weaknesses 3) to enable them to 
bring up their children in the fear 
and love of God. 

What the Cathechism is saying 
here is that these are the effects or 
functions of the grace caused by the 
sacrament of matrimony. 

Most of you, I am sure, have heard 
these words before. It would be 

GETTING INSTRUCTED 23 



profitable this evening to delve more 
deeply into the meaning of these 
words in a way appropriate to your 
more mature interest as to the mean-
ing of marriage. 

It seems to me that the first of 
these functions of the sacramental 
grace of marriage is the most im-
portant, because this first mentioned 
effect includes in a way the other 
two. If the love of husband and wife 
is sanctified, it will inevitably follow 
that they will find the strength to 
bear each other's weaknesses and 
their children will be brought up in 
the fear and love of God. 

What does the expression mean 
then?—to sanctify the love of hus-
band and wife? It seems to me, if 
we are going to have a deeper under-
standing of what "to sanctify the 
love of husband and wife" means, 
we have to start with the meaning 
of love. 

Love 

What is love? That is not an easy 
question to answer. The description 
of it, however, that seems most ade-
quate reaches us from pre-Christian 
days in Aristotle's statement: "To 
love is to wish good for another." 

Now there are many kinds of love. 
There is the love of mother and 
child; the love of children for 
parents; there is the love of one's 
fellow countrymen, and there is the 
love of husband and wife. All of 
these are different kinds of love. 
Each type springs from different 
roots and expresses itself differently, 

but they all have this unmistakable 
stamp: to love is to wish good for 
another. 

Perhaps we can see this more 
clearly if we take a few examples of 
what love is not: the example of the 
mother who is always driving her 
child on to get the highest marks in 
school, or who dresses the child so 
well that he or she will be outstand-
ing at all times. Sometimes you might 
hear it said: Isn't she devoted to that 
child, isn't she fond of her child, 
and you may very well think: No, 
she doesn't love that child. She's 
just satisfying her own vanity. Like-
wise, the fellow who is always laugh-
ing loudest at the boss's jokes, who 
is always telling him what a great 
fellow he is. We sometimes say, he 
doesn't care for the boss; he is just 
looking out for himself. So what 
often seems to be affection and re-
gard is not so, we recognize, when 
it doesn't go outside of oneself— 
when it is not a wish for the good 
of the other. So it is with the love of 
husband and wife. Love between 
man and woman may begin in or be 
accompanied by tremendous, even 
agonizing physical attraction—but if 
it is only that, if there is not a 
genuine union of the wills, an ad-
miration for the other person as a 
person, a will to make the other 
person happy, then we all agree it is 
not true love. In this connection, we 
usually use the word infatuation as 
distinguished from love and we rec-
ognize the difference. Love is essen-
tially a spiritual union—a union of 

24 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



wills—an acquiring of another self. 
What makes that other happy makes 
you happy. 

Love is a very beautiful thing, we 
all know, but young people should 
be taught that it is not easy to love. 
. . . I mean to love permanently 
as married people are bound to do. 
And the reason it is not easy to love 
is that as a result of original sin we 
are addicted to selfishness which is 
the thing that destroys love. That is 
one of the reasons a sacrament is 
needed: to help people stay in love; 
to cure the wounds in our nature so 
that love will not be destroyed by 
selfishness. A sacrament is needed 
so that one will have the strength to 
give oneself to the other, to make 
sacrifices for the other, for sacrifice 
is the food upon which love lives and 
grows strong. "We love," says the 
marriage ritual, "in proportion as we 
are willing to give." That is the first 
effect of the grace of marriage: it 
gives you the grace to stay in love. 

Christian Love 

Now to love, to wish good for the 
other, takes Catholics into a higher 
plane because Catholics know that 
their ultimate destiny is the mysteri-
ous and indescrible enjoyment of the 
presence of God for all eternity. We 
are citizens not only of this world, 
for "we have not here a lasting city." 
To wish good for each other includes 
the wishing of God's friendship for 
each other. Catholic love, then, not 
only extends to joy at seeing each 
other admired, seeing one move 

along in his profession, and the like. 
It includes, and must include wishing 
for each other the greatest possible 
good! the friendship of God. If you 
wish for the other anything that is op-
posed to that, you are not really in 
love, no matter how much your eyes 
light up at the sight of each other. 

It is no accident, then, or without 
meaning, that Catholics pronounce 
their marriage promises to each other 
before the altar. The altar is a place 
of consecration—of changing nat-
ural things like bread and wine into 
the divine. And soon you will bring 
your natural mutual attraction: the 
desires of your bodies and your souls: 
and by standing at the altar of God 
you signify your intention to con-
secrate these desires, this well-wish-
ing for each other. By the very fact 
of your presence at the altar you are 
saying to Our Divine Lord: "You 
have given us to each other. Now we 
want You to be united with us. We 
want You to be in our togetherness." 
That is what is meant by uniting 
yourself in the sacramental bond of 
marriage. You not only give your-
selves to each other. You do some-
thing far better. You give each other 
to Our Lord. 

Sacramental Bond 

I think we might for a moment 
dwell upon that phrase, "the sacra-
mental bond of marriage." If mar-
riage were for you simply and solely 
a natural contract, it would result in 
a moral bond between you. That is 
an effect of every contract: a bond 

GETTING INSTRUCTED 25 



is established between people. If one 
man makes a contract with another 
to work for fifty dollars a week, then 
a bond exists between them: the 
bond of being related as employer 
and employed. In virtue of that re-
lationship, one is bound to give his 
work to the other, and the other is 
bound to the payment of salary. So 
it is with the parties to a marriage 
contract. As a result of it, people be-
come permanently related to each 
other as husband and wife. 

In Christian marriage, however, 
this is more than a natural bond. It 
is a sacramental bond. Christian hus-
band and wife are not only related to 
each other. They acquire a new re-
lationship with Our Blessed Lord. 
They are united in the sacramental 
bond of Matrimony. This means that 
the sacrament—God's instrument for 
the giving of grace—lasts not simply 
for the performance of the ceremony. 
It lasts as long as the bond exists 
—until death. And because this 
sacramental bond is permanent, you 
have Our Lord's permanent pledge 
that He will give you the helps and 
graces you need for the entire course 
of your marriage. It is something like 
the situation we come across in 
novels where two friends exchange 
tokens of esteem, and one says to 
the other, "If you ever should need 
my help, send me this pledge, this 
token, and I will come to your as-
sistance." By being united in the sac-
ramental bond of marriage you have 
a special right to call upon Our 
Lord for the graces and the assistance 

you need in your marriage. . . . It 
is as though you could go to an old 
friend in time of need and say: "You 
were the one who brought us to-
gether. Now we need Your help." 
That your divine friend will come 
to your aid you can have no doubt. 
You have His pledge. You are united 
in His sacramental embrace. 

I think this fact should be con-
soling and encouraging to young 
people contemplating marriage. In 
getting advice on marriage you have 
probably been warned again and 
again of the many responsibilities and 
drudgeries of married life, of all the 
multitudinous things that cause mar-
riage to come to grief. Remember the 
grace of marriage, too! Remember 
that God will never permit you to be 
tempted above your strength. If 
crosses do come your way in mar-
riage, remember that He carried a 
Cross, too—and He only permits you 
to have a cross that you may become 
more like Him. And whatever crosses 
He may send, He always gives the 
strength necessary to carry the cross. 
He has pledged Himself to that. 
That is why He made marriage a 
sacrament: that you might have the 
assurance of His help. 

God Loves You 
We can sum up the reasons why 

Our Lord instituted the sacrament 
of matrimony very briefly: Because 
He loves you; because He loves 
your marriage. He loves your mar-
riage because it is so important in 
continuing the work He came into 

26 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



the world to do. Is it not significant 
that Our Saviour should begin His 
public ministry at the wedding feast 
of Cana? Our Blessed Lord spent 
but thirty-three years on earth. For 
thirty of those years, He lived an 
ordinary working-man's existence in 
the obscurity of His native village. 
Only the last three years of His life 
were spent in the public eye, so to 
speak, devoting Himself to teaching 
and to doing good. He began that 
public life with the working of His 
first miracle. Is it not significant that 
the first miracle He worked, He 
should choose to work at a wedding 
feast ? Is it not likely that He wanted 
to show us how important marriage 

is, and how important married people 
are in continuing the work He began 
at this time? 

It is consoling to recall this high 
regard Our Lord has for marriage. 
It will be consoling for you in with-
standing the ridicule of a world gone 
back to paganism that you are living 
in a holy state of matrimony; not 
only united to each other, but united 
to each other in the love of God. 
Our Lord has seen to it that, be-
cause "you are the children of 
saints," you should not be united 
"as the heathen that know not God." 

May you always walk worthy of 
the sublime vocation to which you 
are called. 

QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW 

1. What is the name of the Encyclical on Christian Marriage? 2. Is marriage 
of divine or human institution? 3. What is the special function of the sacra-
ments? 4. What is the special effect of the sacrament of Matrimony? 5. What 
is love? 6. What is Christian love? 7. What is the effect of the sacramental 
bond of Matrimony? 8. Why do we say "The sacrament of Matrimony shows 
that God loves us?" 

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION 

ljj Is marriage a mere invention of man? 2. How did Christ show His ap-
proval of the union of man and woman in marriage? 3. What are the effects 
of Christ's raising marriage to the dignity of a sacrament? 4. How does na-
ture dictate the stability of marriage? 5. In what way does the sacrament 
make the bond of marriage stable and permanent? 6. Are children a blessing 
for the parents? 7. What sins make an attack upon the three benefits of 
marriage? 8. Is every marriage a sacrament? 

GETTING INSTRUCTED 27 



Getting the J\ight 

cA, 5nswers 

(On the Morals of Marriage) 

Fr. John P. Kenny, O.P. 

ON OCTOBER 29, 1951, Pope Pius XII delivered an allocution 
which is entitled "Moral Questions 
Affecting Married Life." An allocu-
tion differs from an encyclical. An 
encyclical letter is generally one that 
is sent throughout the world to the 
bishops and the Church at large; 
whereas, an allocution is a speech 
which is delivered to a group of pil-
grims who come to the Vatican to 
pay a visit to the Pope. Usually when 
the Pope makes such a statement it 
is of greatest importance. That is 
what happened on October 29, 1951. 
Members of the Italian Catholic 
Union of Midwives visited the Pope. 
He took that opportunity to give 

them certain admonitions, exhorta-
tions, and rules of guidance relative 
to their duties as midwives and the 
duties of the married state. 

You probably remember what hap-
pened. The next morning the news-
paper headlines screamed: "Pope 
Pius Condems Rhythm," and "The 
Pope Advocates Killing Mother to 
Save Child." It caused quite a furor. 
In non-Catholic circles, particularly 
among religious leaders, there was 
quite a disturbance. In fact, the news-
paper of one religious body said, and 
I quote: "The Pope's attitude was in-
human, callous, and very cruel." The 
Pope, in another allocution delivered 
in November, clarified the confusion 

The Reverend John P. Kenny, O.P., Ph.D., is Head of the Department of Philosophy 
at Providence College. 

28 



caused by his previous statements. 
Many Catholics were also disturbed. 
I know of one doctor who had ten 
phone calls in one day from Catho-
lics seeking advice. We priests were 
approached by many persons who 
asked: "Is the Church changing her 
doctrines?" Having had similar ex-
periences in the past, we said, "Wait 
until we see the text of the Pope's 
talk. Let us read what the Pope 
said." For, the newspaper is not a 
theological journal, and we do not 
expect the daily paper to interpret 
our theology. 

We waited and, in time, we re-
ceived the text of the allocution. In 
fact, we received one of the most 
beautiful documents that has come 
from the Vatican in many a day. In 
this allocution, the Pope discusses 
many phases of married life and 
particularly the moral aspects of mar-
ried life. There are, in fact, eight 
different moral questions mentioned 
in this allocution. It is a brief resume, 
a summary of the Catholic moral 
doctrine on marriage. It is also a 
beautiful tribute to Pope Pius XI's 
encyclical on Christian Marriage. 

I think we can safely say that 
there is nothing new in this allocu-
tion; there is no new doctrine. The 
Pope was merely talking to these 
midwives and explaining to them 
that they have an apostolate, that 
they should help the Church, that 
they can influence persons whom 
Catholic priests cannot reach. Even 
though there is nothing new in this 
document, it is very important be-

cause it explains Catholic moral 
teachings simply and precisely. In 
particular, several doubts concerning 
the so-called rhythm theory have 
been clarified. 

The purpose of this lecture is to 
give you a presentation and an ex-
planation of the doctrines contained 
in the pamphlet Moral Problems Af-
fecting Marriage. We shall mention 
each one of these eight problems 
some of which will be given more 
attention than others. For the sake 
of convenience, we shall follow a 
different plan than that followed by 
Pope Pius XII in his allocution. 

The Theme 
The theme of the allocution is 

this: that the moral values of mar-
ried life must be respected and up-
held. The Pope condemns what he 
calls "The Modern Guides to Matri-
mony." He is referring to the books, 
articles, and pamphlets on marriage 
in which the technique of love is 
explained and sometimes illustrated. 
You are intelligent people and you 
know that the book business can be 
very profitable, particularly when a 
treatise on sex is presented in the 
form of a "scientific" discussion. The 
Pope says: "To exalt, therefore, as 
is frequently done today, the genera-
tive function in even its right and 
moral form of conjugal life" is an 
error and an aberration. (No. 56)* 

* Each paragraph of the allocution is 
numbered; the parenthetical numbers in 
this chapter refer to paragraphs in the 
allocution. 

GETTING THE RIGHT ANSWERS 29 



It is a serious inversion of the values 
as established by Almighty God. 
There is a grave danger of deviation 
from die path of righteousness, de-
viation not only of the mind but also 
of the affections, particularly where 
young persons are concerned. The 
Pope is speaking of all young persons 
whether engaged or newly wed, and 
especially of the "young and inno-
cent." 

Nature of Marriage 

The Pope points out that Catholics 
should have a solid background, i.e., 
a comprehensive knowledge of the 
true nature of marriage. It is not the 
intention of the Pope and it is not 
our intention to hide the truth from 
the eyes of Catholics. The Pope is 
merely insisting that Catholics should 
clearly understand the true nature 
of marriage; that they should under-
stand the moral aspects of marriage 
and all that is implied therein. This 
marriage forum is one means of en-
lightening Catholics. We do not have 
time to discuss the nature of marriage 
in detail. I presume that most of you 
know the doctrine in general. I do 
want to point out, however, that this 
allocution insists upon the fact that 
marriage was instituted by Almighty 
God. In the allocution, the Pope re-
fers time and again to this basic 
truth. 

What is the purpose of marriage? 
Why get married ? Marriage is a 
way of life instituted by God. If you 
want proof, open your bible to the 
Book of Genesis and read it. More-

over, Christ raised marriage to the 
dignity of a sacrament. It is a way of 
life; it is a vocation. It is a vocation 
in which the parties take solemn 
vows, just as I have taken solemn 
vows. The state of matrimony is a 
means of sanctification fo r the 
spouses, just as the priesthood is my 
means of sanctification. It is a real 
vocation; it is the way God intended 
that the spouses work out their salva-
tion. 

Marriage is of natural institution, 
that is, nature itself inclines persons 
toward the marriage state. This can 
be proved in several ways.- Physio-
logically, the sexes are not alike; 
their anatomical structures are dif-
ferent; they complement each other. 
Moreover, psychologically, the sexes 
are not identical. The mental char-
acteristics and the personalities of 
male and female are surprisingly 
different. In the plan of Almighty 
God they were designed to balance 
and complement each other. Both the 
psychological and the physiological 
differences which exist between the 
sexes indicate that marriage is natural 
to human beings. 

Purposes of Marriage 

There is one aspect of marriage 
that is most important, namely, a 
knowledge of what is termed in the-
ology the ends or the purposes of 
marriage. If you were to sit down 
in some quiet place and ask yourself: 
"what is marriage for," you would 
come to the conclusion that the pri-
mary purpose of marriage is to beget 

30 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



children and to educate them. More-
over, you would conclude that mar-
riage is a state in which the persons 
give mutual love and support. These 
are the secondary ends of marriage. 
Now, it is very important that you 
fully understand what the primary 
and the secondary ends of marriage, 
are. Practically all of the moral 
aspects of the situations and problems 
that arise in the marriage state are 
solved on the basis of this distinc-
tion. Incidentally, the Pope in his 
allocution reminds us that in 1944 
he condemned the opinion of some 
theologians who maintained that the 
begetting of children is not the pri-
mary end of marriage, and that a few 
years later the Holy See again pro-
scribed that e r roneous teaching. 
(No. 48) Mutual love and support 
constitute the secondary ends of 
marriage. They are good and noble 
goals of marriage, but they are sec-
ondary—they are subordinated to the 
primary ends of begetting and edu-
cating children. 

The Contract 
The consideration of the nature 

of marriage must also include the 
fact that it is a contract. In making 
the contract, the spouses must give 
their consent freely, there should be 
some external manifestation of the 
agreement, and there may not be any 
conditions affecting the validity of 
the sacrament attached to the consent. 
If a marriage were contracted con-
ditionally, this factor would affect the 
very contract itself. The Pope himself 

gives us an example in his allocution. 
He says: "If at the time of marriage 
at least one of the couple intended 
to restrict the marriage right, not 
merely its use, to the sterile periods, 
in such a way that at other times the 
second party would not even have 
the right to demand the act, this 
would imply an essential defect in 
the consent to marriage, which would 
carry with it the invalidity of the 
marriage itself." (No. 32) 

By reason of this contract, the two 
parties acquire certain rights which, 
in turn, beget certain duties. These 
rights and duties are sacred. The 
marital contract bestows the right to 
the body of the other spouse—the 
right to beget children, to foster love, 
and to satisfy the sexual appetite. 
When a right exists in one person, 
it begets a correlative duty in an-
other. Both of the spouses have 
rights and, therefore, there are cor-
responding duties in each party. 
These sacred rights are also very 
important and will be referred to 
when we explain the moral aspects 
of marriage. 

I have discussed the nature of mar-
riage very briefly because I presume 
that most of you know that doctrine. 
The Pope, in his allocution, having 
emphasized the true nature of mar-
riage, discusses the two moral ques-
tions which affect the true nature of 
marriage. 

Artificial Insemination 

The first is the question of arti-
ficial insemination which may be de-

GETTING THE RIGHT ANSWERS 31 



fined as any attempt to fertilize by 
a means which is a substitute for 
natural sexual intercourse. Pope Pius 
declares: "To reduce cohabitation 
and the conjugal act to simple or-
ganic function for the transmission 
of seed would be converting the 
home, the sanctuary of the family, 
into a mere biological laboratory." 
(No. 51) The act of carnal inter-
course is a very personal action be-
tween husband and wife. In that 
action, there is the mutual fulfillment 
of duty and the mutual expression of 
love. It is an action by which the 
two spouses become as one. Now all 
forms of artificial insemination are 
unlawful because they involve a two-
fold perversion of morality. First, 
there is the perversion of the sexual 
organ. It is a fundamental principle 
of theology that you may never do 
evil to obtain good. Any and all the 
techniques, whereby the seed is ac-
quired or procured, are evil. Mastur-
bation, interrupted and condomistic 
intercourse are evil means. Secondly, 
artificial insemination is unlawful 
and immoral because it is contrary to 
the marriage bond. If a third party 
may enter into the marriage bond, 
the marriage bond is transferable. If 
this principle were carried to its 
logical conclusion, social immorality 
and chaos would result. The mar-
riage bond is not transferable. The 
husband may not say to a proxy 
father "You may beget a child by 
my wife." Whether it is done physic-
ally or by way of the test tube, it is 
still immoral. 

Impotency 

Relative to the true nature of mar-
riage, the Pope also discusses the 
question of impotency. In theology, 
impotency is the inability to perform 
a generative kind of act. In other 
words, it means that intercourse is 
impossible because of physical or 
psychical reasons. It should be ob-
vious that impotency affects both the 
primary and secondary ends of mar-
riage. Theologically, it is a diriment 
impediment which means that an im-
potent person is incapable of con-
tracting a valid marriage. 

Impotency is not to be confused 
with sterility which is the inability 
to effect conception after numerous 
attempts. Sterility is not an impedi-
ment to marriage. It renders the 
marriage neither invalid nor illicit. 
The law of the Church concerning 
impotency and sterility is as follows: 
"Impotency anterior to the marriage 
and perpetual, whether in the man 
or in the woman, whether known to 
the other party or not, whether ab-
solute or relative, annuls marriage 
by the very law of nature. If the 
impediment of impotency is doubt-
ful, whether the doubt be one of 
law or of fact, the marriage is not 
to be hindered. Sterility renders the 
marriage neither invalid nor illicit." 
(Canon 1068) The Pope, in his al-
locution, reiterates the teaching of 
the Church when he says: "There-
fore, when this act, in its natural 
form, is from the beginning and per-
manently impossible, the end and 
object of the marriage contract suffer 

32 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



from an essential defect." (No.53) 
Next, we shall discuss questions 

related to the controlling and pre-
vention of conception. The Pope de-
votes many sections of his allocution 
to these problems. 

Contraception 
First, let us talk about unnatural 

birth control or contraception. The 
Pope condemns any and all forms of 
contraception. He quotes the encycli-
cal on Christian Marriage of his pred-
ecessor, Pope Pius XI, as follows: 
"Every attempt on the part of the 
married couple during the conjugal 
act or during the development of its 
natural consequences, to deprive it 
of its inherent power and to hinder 
the procreation of new life is im-
moral." (No. 24) This is the law 
of God. It was true yesterday, it is 
true today, it will be true tomorrow, 
and always. Unnatural birth control 
is contrary to both the natural and 
the divine law. 

Once again, sit down in a quiet 
place and ask yourself why you have 
the sexual faculty. You will arrive at 
two conclusions. The primary pur-
pose of that faculty is to beget off-
spring; the secondary purpose is to 
alleviate concupiscence in the married 
state. The procreative faculty, in the 
plan of Almighty God, is ordained 
primarily to the preservation of the 
species and, secondarily, it serves the 
individual. In other words, Almighty 
God has ordained that the species 
be propagated by means of natural 
human faculties. 

Contraception, in any and all 
forms, is immoral because it entails 
the abuse of a natural faculty. Al-
mighty God has attached pleasure to 
the use of our faculties. In varying 
degrees, there is pleasure in eating, 
drinking, seeing, smelling, tasting, 
and touching. I could enumerate all 
of man's faculties and show you how 
there is pleasure to be derived from 
the use of these faculties. When we 
consider the sexual faculty, we find 
that there is a tremendous amount of 
pleasure attached to the use of this 
faculty. Almighty God wanted the 
human race to continue. Now, the 
unnatural use of any faculty is evil 
and sinful. Eating, for examle, is a 
good action, but a person can make 
a glutton of himself; he can act un-
naturally; he can commit sin. The 
same applies to the drinking of alco-
holic beverages. When a person 
drinks excessively, the action becomes 
evil. Self-abuse and contraception are 
immoral and sinful for the same rea-
son—because they entail the misuse 
or the unnatural use of a natural 
faculty. Unnatural b i r th control 
abuses the generative faculty. Many 
forms of contraception violate the 
Divine Law which God gave to 
Moses, namely, "Thou shalt not 
kill." Other forms of contraception 
are condemned in the Book of Gen-
esis where we read that when Juda 
suggested to his son, Onan, that he 
raise up an issue to his dead brother, 
"He knowing that the children 
should not be his, when he went in 
to his brother's wife, spilled his seed 

GETTING THE RIGHT ANSWERS 33 



upon the ground, lest children should 
be born in his brother's name. And 
therefore the Lord slew him, because 
he did a destestable thing." (38:9-
10) That is the word of God. 

Sterilization 
The Pope mentions one specific 

form of contraception, namely, steril-
ization. He condemns both male and 
female who have themselves steril-
ized in order to prevent conception. 
The Pope says: "It would be very 
much more than a mere lack of readi-
ness in the service of life if the man's 
attempt affected not just a single act 
but the organism itself, in order to 
sterilize and deprive it of the faculty 
of precreating a new life." (No.27) 

Catholic theologians make a dis-
tinction between direct and indirect 
sterilization. This distinction is very 
important from the moral viewpoint. 
Direct sterilization is that which aims 
at making procreation impossible; it 
is that which is intended either as an 
end in itself or as a means to an end. 
Pope Pius declares that "direct steril-
ization, either permanent or tem-
porary, of man or of woman, is 
illegal by virtue of the natural law 
from which, as you are aware, the 
Church has no power to dispense." 
(No. 27) Direct sterilization is a 
grave violation of the moral law. 
Even public magistrates have no right 
to permit it, and they have no right 
to prescribe it for innocent people. 

Indirect sterilization, as the term 
implies, is willed indirectly. It occurs 
as the normal effect of an operation 

which is necessary for the health of 
the whole body. It is lawful for a 
man or woman to undergo a neces-
sary operation which will cause ster-
ility. The operation is willed directly, 
the sterilization is indirectly willed. 
The distinction between direct and 
indirect sterilizatin is most impor-
tant; the former is unlawful, the 
latter is lawful whenever a propor-
tionately grave cause is present. 

Rhythm 

We come now to a topic in the 
allocution that provoked quite a bit 
of discussion. It is the question of 
natural birth control. The Pope be-
gins his discussion by saying that: 
"there is the serious question today 
as to whether and how far the obliga-
tion of ready disposition to serve 
motherhood can be reconciled with 
the ever more widely diffused re-
course to the periods of natural steril-
ity." (No. 29) We may state it very 
bluntly by saying: "May a married 
couple make use of the so-called 
rhythm theory?" 

The rhythm theory, as we know it 
today, is comparatively recent al-
though the facts upon which it is 
based are not. Several books in the 
Old Testament manifest the fact that 
the Jews knew about it. But today the 
rhythm theory is based upon the 
findings of Doctor Knaus and Doctor 
Ogino who, though working inde-
pendently, arrived at practically the 
same conclusion in 1930 or there-
abouts. Since that time, there has 
been considerable discussion on this 

34 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



question of the periodic cycles of 
fertility and sterility. 

There has been a theological prob-
lem. The theologians have been argu-
ing as to what constitutes a propor-
tionately grave cause to justify a 
married couple in making use of 
these periods of natural sterility. The 
doctrine has been clarified by the 
Pope in the allocution. This doctrine 
is not new, but it has very definitely 
been clarified. The teachings of the 
Pope can be summarized in the form 
of four conclusions. 

Four Moral Principles 

The first conclusion is as follows: 
A married couple can make use of 
their matrimonial rights on the days 
natural sterility too. (No. 31) Now, 
in this allocution, there are many dis-
tinctions; these distinctions are very 
important. You have to watch every 
little word—and the word "too" is 
significant. To state it briefly, the 
Pope says that the fact that concep-
tion is unlikely or improbable is not 
a reason for abstaining from inter-
course. Husband and wife may use 
their rights. 

The second conclusion pertains to 
the use of the marital rights on the 
days of natural sterility exclusively. 
The Pope's teaching may be stated in 
the following manner: A married 
couple may limit the use of the matri-
monial rights to the days of natural 
sterility, if sufficient and secure moral 
reasons are present. (No. 33) In 
other words, they may make use of 
the rhythm theory if they have a 

good moral reason for doing so. The 
solution, therefore, depends upon the 
intention of the two spouses. 

The problem may be stated in the 
form of a question: "Is there a suffi-
ciently grave reason for this particu-
lar couple to restrict their acts of in-
tercourse to the days of natural steril-
ity?" The Pope answers: "The mere 
fact that the couple do not offend the 
nature of the act and are prepared 
to bring up the child which in spite 
of their precautions came into the 
world would not be sufficient in itself 
to guarantee the rectitude of intention 
and the unobjectionable morality of 
the motives themselves." (No. 33) 
The reason is that marriage is a 
state of life which confers certain 
rights and imposes certain duties. 
Among these positive duties is that 
of begetting and rearing children. It 
is a duty which is imposed by nature 
itself; it is a duty imposed by God. 
In the words of the Pope: "nature 
and the Creator impose the function 
of helping the conservation of the 
human race." (No. 35) The fulfill-
ment of a positive duty may be omit-
ted when serious reasons are present. 
This is where we have the clarifica-
tion I have already mentioned. The-
ologians have argued as to what con-
stitutes a serious reason. The Pope 
states very explicitly that there are 
serious reasons which justify the use 
of the rhythm theory. Moreover, he 
enumerates four reasons, namely, 
medical, eugenic, economic, and 
social. 

The following examples will serve 

GETTING THE RIGHT ANSWERS 35 



to illustrate these four reasons. It:, 
sometimes happens that because of 
the physical or mental condition of 
the mother, pregnancy is inadvisable. 
If this is the prudent judgment of 
the physician, I believe it to be a 
sufficient medical reason. A eugenic 
reason would be the case in which 
there is the real possibility of giving 
birth to a physically deformed or a 
mentally retarded child. The financial 
inability to provide a decent living 
for the family could be an economic 
reason. However, we must keep in 
mind that we are speaking of the 
necessities of life, not of its luxuries. 
Social reasons might include the case 
in which a couple is unable to obtain 
adequate housing facilities. In a par-
ticular case, any one of these reasons 
could be serious enough to justify 
the use of the rhythm theory. One 
word of caution, however, must be 
stated. Husband and wife should not 
presume to judge these moral ques-
tions before consulting a priest and, 
in matters pertaining to health, a 
physician. 

The Pope declares that these rea-
sons "can exempt for a long time, 
perhaps even the whole duration of 
marriage, from the positive and ob-
ligatory carrying out of the act." 
(No.36) But, he warns, if there are 
no similar grave reasons either of a 
personal nature or arising from ex-
ternal circumstances, then the deter-
mination to avoid conception habitu-
ally is unlawful. Remember that each 
of us has a personal responsibility to 
Almighty God. Husband and wife 

;must answer for their actions—both 
personal and marital. 
Í The Pope's third conclusion fol-
lows as a corollary: For a married 
couple to shun its primary obligation 
always, deliberately, and with no 
serious motive, would be a serious 
sin against the very meaning of con-
jugal life. (No. 35) The primary 
purpose of the conjugal society is to 
beget offspring. Such a mode of liv-
ing, says the Pope, "can be derived 
only from a false appreciation of life 
and from reasons having nothing 
to do with proper ethical laws." 
(No. 36) 

The last conclusion pertains to 
extreme, and rare, medical cases. The 
Pope says: In an extreme medical 
case, in tohich the risk of conception 
cannot be taken or must be avoided 
completely, and in which the use of 
the sterile periods does not give suffi-
cient security, the only alternative is 
complete abstinence from every com-
plete exercise of the natural faculty. 
(No. 37-38) It is sometimes argued 
that such abstinence is impossible— 
that it is heroic—that God does not 
oblige people to do the impossible. 
The Pope's answer to these objec-
tions is that "God does not oblige 
people to do the impossible. But God 
obliges married people to abstain, if 
their union cannot be fulfilled ac-
cording to the laws of nature. There-
fore, in this case abstinence is pos-
sible." (No. 40) Many years ago the 
Council of Trent quoted the great 
St. Augustine who said: "God does 
not command impossible things, but 

36 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



when He commands He warns us to 
do what can be done and to ask what 
cannot and gives you help so that 
you can." (No. 40) We find great 
heroism in the world today—even 
heroism in the service of injustice. 
Is it asking too much to find heroism 
among those who are followers of 
Christ? On the contrary, declares the 
Pope, "It is wronging men and 
women of our times to deem them 
incapable of continuous heroism." 
(No. 41) With the grace of God, 
they are capable of great sacrifice in 
the living of their married lives in 
accordance with the laws of God. 

Abortion 
We have already mentioned that 

the Pope's words concerning abortion 
were misinterpreted by some news-
papers. He was merely explaining the 
traditional Catholic teaching relative 
to the right to life, namely, that every 
human being, even the unborn child, 
possesses an inviolable right to life. 
This right is not bestowed by the 
parents, nor by society, nor by any 
human authority; it comes immedi-
ately from God. God alone has ab-
solute dominion over this right to 
life. Consequently, any direct attack 
on innocent human life as a means 
to an end is unlawful. The reason 
should be obvious to any normally in-
telligent person—it is forbidden by 
the natural law and by divine posi-
tive law. This is what the Pope said: 
"Thus, for example, to save the life 
of the mother is a most noble end, 
but the direct killing of the child as 

a means to this end is not licit." 
(No. 12) It was this statement that 
provoked the newspaper of a large 
religious denomina t ion to print: 
"The Pope's attitude was inhuman, 
callous, and very cruel." Because of 
this attack, or perhaps in spite of it, 
the Holy Father expanded his re-
marks in an allocution delivered one 
month later on November 26, 1951. 
Speaking on the inviolability of hu-
man life, he said: "This principle 
holds good both for the life of the 
child as well as for that of the 
mother. Never and in no case has 
the Church taught that the life of the 
child must be preferred to that of 
the mother. It is erroneous to put the 
question with this alternative: either 
the life of the child or that of the 
mother. No, neither the life of the 
mother nor that of the child can be 
subjected to an act of direct sup-
pression. In the one case as in the 
other, there can be but one obliga-
tion: to make every effort to save 
the lives of both, of the mother and 
of the child." This statement is most 
clear; it is an unequivocal declaration 
of the teaching of the Church—and 
of God's law. 

The Marriage Act 
Toward the end of the allocution, 

the Pontiff discusses the morality of 
intercourse. We have stated that, in 
order to insure the conservation of 
the human race, God has ordained 
that great pleasure be derived from 
the use of the sexual faculty. The 
Pope says: "In seeking and enjoying 
this pleasure, therefore, couples do 

GETTING THE RIGHT ANSWERS 37 



nothing wrong." (No. 59) However, 
as with all human faculties, the pro-
creative faculty must be used in mod-
eration. Human beings must regulate 
their actions to the norm of reason. 
An immoderate action is unreason-
able and, as a general rule, is sinful. 

Some persons, moreover, invert the 
order of the purposes of intercourse. 
The norm, says the Pope, is this: 
"The use of the natural inclination 
to generate is lawful only in matri-
mony, in the service of and according 
to the order of the ends of mar-
riage." (No. 60) When speaking of 
contraception we pointed out this 
order, namely, the primary end is 
the begetting of children and the 
secondary end is the alleviation of 
concupiscence. The secondary end, 
pleasure and satisfaction, must be 
subordinated to the primary purpose 
of the act. This norm continues the 
Pope, "concerns not only the sub-

stance but also the circumstances of 
the act, with the result that although 
the substance of the act be unim-
paired, one may sin in the manner 
of performing it." (No. 60) Con-
cluding his remarks on this topic, 
Pope Pius declares that the moral 
law does not "admit unbridled satis-
faction of the sexual instinct tend-
ing merely to pleasure and enjoy-
ment. The moral law does not allow 
man with his reason to let himself 
be dominated to that point, be it a 
question of the substance or the 
circumstances of the act." (No. 65) 

Happiness in marriage is not in 
proportion to the mutual enjoyment 
of conjugal relations, but rather in 
proportion to the respect which the 
spouses have for each other. Respect 
implies love; love demands sacrifice; 
and only by sacrificing can a married 
couple remain one in mind, one in 
heart, and one in affections. 

38 

QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW 

1. Why is the Pope's allocution important? 2. What are the eight topics dis-
cussed by Pope Pius in his allocution? 3. Why are the so-called "Modern 
Guides to Matrimony" dangerous? 4. What are the primary and secondary 
ends of marriage? 5. Why is artificial insemination immoral? 6. How does 
impotency differ from sterility? 7. Why is impotency a diriment impediment 
to marriage while sterility is not? 8. What are the primary and secondary 
ends of the procreative faculty? 9. Why is the unnatural birth control im-
moral and unlawful? 10. When is sterilization lawful and when is it unlaw-
ful? What determines the morality? 11. How does natural birth control differ 
from unnatural birth control? 12. What are the Pope's four conclusions rela-
tive to the rhythm theory? 13. What four reasons may, in a particular case, 
justify the use of the rhythm theory? 14. What does the Pope say about hero-
ism in marriage? 15. Why is direct abortion unlawful? 

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION 

1. How much knowledge should an engaged couple have relative to the moral 
aspects of marriage? 2. Discuss the points of similarity which exist between 
the vocation of marriage and that of the religious life. 3. Discuss the rights 
and duties of the marital state. 4. Discuss Canon 1068 relative to impotency. 
5. Discuss the nature of pleasure and its relation to morality. 6. Discuss eu-
genical and punitive sterilization. 7. Explain the fact that nature itself con-
trols births. 

ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



4. (jetting cAlong 

(Excerpts from Talks) 

Four Married Couples 

THE H U S B A N D SPEAKS: 

WE COME to you tonight not as experts on the subject of "Get-
ting Along" but simply as a married 
couple with a family, now living 
through the experiences which may 
be yours in a few short years. Al-
though no two couples have exactly 
the same problems, the joys and sor-
rows of married life are similar for 
all, and all hope to make their mar-
riage as perfect as possible in their 
own eyes and the eyes of God. Since 
a true Catholic marriage is a two-
fold partnership—of the husband 
with the wife, and of the couple with 
God, then give your love and help 
to each other at all times, remember-
ing too, to ask for God's help in all 
you do whether it be little or big. 
Only in this way can we hope to 
gain the graces that were meant for 

us when He himself raised this part-
nership to the dignity of a sacrament. 

Partnership 
When two people think of work-

ing together as a team in business 
they check and investigate each 
other, consider the similarities and 
the differences, review the abilities 
and the past records and only when 
they feel that there will be an ex-
cellent chance for mutual benefit and 
success do they merge. Even after 
this careful consideration, both know 
that their combination can be dis-
solved if one or the other wishes it. 
Not so with the Catholic marriage 
union, however, for this is a contract 
for life whether it be for better or 
for worse. If only every married 
couple would consider this point 
carefully before marriage, realizing 
its significance, and follow it through 

This chapter is made up of excerpts from talks given by Charles and Sally Reynolds, 
parents of ten, Eugene and Eileen O'Reilly, parents of eleven, Robert and Mary 
Breckel, parents of four, Edward and Helen Donnelly, parents of eight. These talks 
were part of the Marriage Forum between 1950 and 1956. 

39 



in its binding qualities until death, 
how much less juvenile delinquency 
would we have and the other atten-
dant sorrows and disasters of world-
wide scope which come as the result 
of broken homes. Not only do the 
husband and wife suffer in a union 
that should never have been, but also 
any children that God may have 
sent to bless that union. Therefore 
prepare well for this important step 
that can lead you and yours to your 
eternal destiny in heaven or in hell. 

Since you will be members of the 
"Double-Harness Club," think of 
the power and the cooperation and 
the work done by a pair of horses 
in double harness. Where there is 
close partnership, there is no "boss," 
for no boss is needed. You work 
best and most successfully when 
working together in all things, for 
two heads and two hearts and two 
minds, properly attuned, are certainly 
better than one alone. This teamwork 
of husband and wife working to-
gether to solve their common prob-
lems can bring peace and happiness 
to them and lay the solid foundation 
for the lives of their children. Can 
one rally "get along" well in such 
a close relationship which requires 
mutual help if one of the pair is de-
termined to "rule the roost?" "Work-
ing together" seems to be the preva-
lent theme today and it is evidenced 
by articles appearing daily in the 
newspapers and magazines. I was 
reading in the latest McCall's of two 
young married couples who, as it 
were, all "doned the pants" to help 

build houses for each other. How 
refreshing to read something along 
this line rather than accounts of why 
"John doesn't get along with Mary," 
etc. As the Providence Journal of 
February 27th featured a story about 
the 95% of the good "kids" in our 
country as opposed to the 5% of de-
linquents, we would like to have and 
should have more accounts of the 
large percentage of happily married 
couples rather than the many stories 
of the unhappily married people. It 
is a wonder that more young people 
aren't scared away from marriage 
when they read about and see on 
television so many psychological 
dramas of frustrated mixed-up mar-
ried lives. Thanks be to God, most 
of our Catholic marriages can be and 
are of the normally happy type, even 
though they still include the "ups 
and downs" of everyday life. 

Did you read the recent article 
which put the apron on the father 
and gave him the title, more-or-less, 
of the unpaid maid? It is a well 
known fact, with the advent of work-
ing mothers and early marriages 
among servicemen or ex-servicemen 
who are going to school, that the 
father has assumed more of a share 
in attending to household duties. 
This does not and should not rele-
gate "papa" to the role of the for-
gotten man as has happened in some 
cases. In the Holy Family of Naz-
areth St. Joseph was the least of the 
three, yet he was the head of the 
family. The father should assume his 
rightful place as the head of the 

40 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



house and, as the Encyclical of Casti 
Connubii of Pope Pius XI reminds 
us, the husband is the head of the 
family, the wife is the heart. Each 
should take the leadership in that 
sphere of activities which is usually 
handled by the man or by the wo-
man, but in things that are common 
to both, there should be a united 
front. To children, the father should 
represent the seat of authority and a 
person to look up to, without taking 
away from the mother any of her 
glory as the seat of love and affec-
tion. Elimination of much of our 
national delinquency would result if 
more of our fathers assumed their 
proper responsibilities in leading 
their boys toward manhood and di-
recting their interests into the proper 
channels. By setting the proper ex-
amples in their roles as husband and 
fathers, men could give their daugh-
ters the knowledge of what to look 
for when they are considering what 
they want their male friends to be 
like. 

Question of Authority 
Children, even the best children, 

will sometimes try to work one par-
ent against the other when it comes 
to matters of discipline. When the 
time comes for thought on this 
matter, there should be discussion 
and mutual agreement by the hus-
band and wife on the general prin-
ciples of their handling of discipline. 
There should be no division of au-
thority but rather each case should 
be handled by either partner as it 
comes up. The prelude to father's 

GETTING ALONG 

supper shouldn't be a recitation of 
Junior's misdemeanors of the day 
with the matter of pun i shment 
dumped into father's lap just before 
the arrival of the first course. Mother 
should have taken care of the ap-
propriate punishment at the time of 
the incident when its effect would 
have had more meaning, yet the 
father should be acquainted with 
the important happenings of the day 
so that he can help out with his ad-
vice when necessary. Children are 
not apt to play one parent against 
the other, if they know that both 
parents agree on general principles 
and have mutual respect for the de-
cisions of each other. 

Discipline 
Discipline in general should be 

firm and just—but mild, for out-
bursts of temper and anger never 
help matters. However, we may find 
at times if we take a well turned 
parental hand—mix it with a little 
palm oil—and apply it with pressure 
to certain vulnerable parts of the 
anatomy that the resultant surge of 
latent intellectual output may aston-
ish even the poor receiver. Most 
parents find that, if all small cases 
of discipline are properly solved 
while the children are young there 
is a good chance that no serious big 
problems will arise. If we could trace 
back on the serious problems that 
are receiving so much and sometimes 
too much publicity today, I think we 
would find in very many cases that 
they were due to a breakdown in 

41 



good, healthy, normal Christian re-
lationships in the home either be-
tween the parents themselves or be-
tween the parents and the children. 
How can the children throw off the 
feelings of insecurity, frustration, be-
wilderment and even despair when 
there is a lack of affection and in-
terest on the part of their parents 
as the result of infidelities, separa-
tions, and divorces. 

Having a Family 

What about having a family ? This 
question should be well discussed 
and carefully thought about by both 
partners before marriage. There is 
nothing common or humdrum in 
working together with God in bring-
ing children into life and guiding 
them into eternity. If it's possible 
don't put off having a family in order 
to obtain many desired worldly pos-
sessions. You'll never have enough 
money to buy all the things you want 
and have children too. Can you really 
afford a family—no, not if you 
want everything else too. If you 
figure out how best to spend the 
money you have on the things that 
you need, you'll find the way clear 
for children, if you value them more 
than mere things. 

Many unenlightened people feel 
sorry for large families. They don't 
realize that most of these families 
don't have to feel sorry for them-
selves for they have compensations 
that money could never buy. In The 
Christian Family magazine of last 
month there is an interesting article 

entitled "Rearing Eight and Loving 
It" which points up this fact. 

The Large Family 

A large family necessitates more 
sharing, but this very sharing helps 
to increase love and affection and 
these are the warm cornerstones of 
happiness itself. We have often 
heard that parents keep young in 
spirit with their children—and al-
though it is true that more children 
bring more headaches and trials— 
it is equally true that they also bring 
more joys and pleasures. How many 
cold hearts and frozen faces are 
thawed daily by the winning smile 
of a passing child. God can never 
be outdone in generosity and so with 
each new child, properly and con-
scientiously brought up by parents, 
there will also come the added graces 
necessary to take care of him. Often 
times the very having of a larger 
family gives paretns the necessary in-
centive to work harder and achieve 
more than those with smaller families 
or with no family at all. 

You have often heard the remark, 
"You don't miss what you don't 
have" but then again should you miss 
what you can have ? There are few 
thrills to compare with the warm 
feeling in your heart when for the 
first time your baby wrapped her 
arms around your neck, put her head 
upon your shoulder and quietly fell 
asleep, or when you proudly watched 
as baby took her first few steps alone 
and then fell laughingly into your 
outstretched arms. Only another par-

42 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



ent will undestand when a new fa-
ther excitedly exclaims that Junior 
just said, "Da-Da" even if every-
one else is sure that the child just 
grunted as the result of a gas pain. 
What worry and fear wrack the mind 
of an anxious parent as he rushes 
his child to the hospital after an ac-
cident has occurred, and then what 
relief and joy are brought by the 
words of the doctor as he says, "He's 
going to be all right, now." The 
solemn face receiving First Holy 
Communion, the few lines spoken in 
the school play, the clear, and some-
times off-key voice that you recog-
nize in the chorus, the picture of the 
girl in white in the Confirmation 
procession—these and many other 
memories become a real part of your 
life. 

Money 

And now we come to the problem 
of money—and believe me there are 
many cases where we find that dif-
ferences and difficulties over money 
matters contribute to a large extent 
to the failures of married life. On 
the lighter side they also furnish us 
with moments of laughter such as 
the story of Joe Green who told his 
friend that he had made up his mind 
to speak to his wife about using a 
little more economy in the household. 
Next day, however, Joe looked pretty 
sad. "Was your lecture effective?" 
his friend asked. "You bet," said Joe, 
"it seems I'm going to give up beer 
and cigars." I liked the recent car-
toon in the Saturday Evening Post. 
It shows husband and wife going out 

of a department store loaded with 
bundles and as he passes the infor-
mation booth (evidently for the sec-
ond time that day) the husband 
growls to the lady in the booth, 
"Blabbermouth." Or, maybe you 
would prefer Norman Jaffray's poem 
which goes: 

You're perfect, dear, in every 
way— 

Congenial and consortable; 
But when I get your bills to pay, 
I find you insupportable. 

We find today many courses be-
ing offered to an interested public 
on subjects which help to boost the 
earning power of the wage earners 
but how few we find which tell our 
citizens how to spend wisely. Home-
makers need training in and must 
give attention to things that will 
help prevent the money quarrels 
which lead to the breaking up of 
many of our homes. Each year we 
notice on all sides an increase in 
effective sales techniques which help 
to part us from our money but we 
see little improvement in our knowl-
edge of how to spend a limited in-
come wisely. Each couple should set 
up for themselves certain standards 
of living which are best suited to 
their own particular case and as their 
financial circumstances improve so 
also will their standard of living. 

We cannot and should not try to 
imitate our neighbors in this matter 
but rather should aim to be satisfied 
with what is enough for us and not 
try to push beyond ourselves in an 
effort to keep up with those well-

GETTING ALONG 43 



known Jones's. In this way we can 
keep our compact little unit—our 
family—on an even keel and escape 
from many of the headaches of the 
dollar down and a dollar a week set. 

Part of the joy of living of a 
married couple consists in planning 
and anticipating and working and 
striving together for something bet-
ter even if we never reach our de-
sired goal, the working together has 
brought us close and achieved a unity 
which is hard to come by otherwise. 

It is this getting together—this 
idea of two people with one purpose 
that is important, for by perfecting 
our unity, we perfect ourselves and 
pave the way for our continuous hap-
piness and eventual sanctification. 

Budget 

To get back to that money prob-
lem, I think couples should be able 
to purchase all the necessities for 
starting a modest home with very 
few, if any, time-payments hanging 
over their heads. There should be a 
normally certain steady income, and 
most important a willingness to work 
harder than you ever have before 
because more is dependent now upon 
your efforts. If you have the money, 
it may be wise to buy now the things 
that you will need later. For if chil-
dren come to bless your home, you 
will find very little surplus money 
that won't be used up on them in 
the years to come. Some systematic 
plan of worthwile saving should be 
worked out from the beginning, and 
we found that keeping a budget can 

be most helpful to any family but 
particularly to a young married 
couple. I mean a realistic budget that 
is worked out and agreed upon to-
gether and not one that is dominated 
by the man or one that gives in to 
the whims of the woman. The bud-
get should be elastic and one that can 
be changed from time to time— 
either enlarged as circumstances im-
prove or curtailed when the neces-
sity arises, without throwing the basic 
plan out of kilter. It should not be-
come a weekly or monthly confusing 
mathematical nightmare which causes 
arguments rather than eliminates 
them but should serve rather as a 
mariner's compass or a guide to bet-
ter living and not as a Simon Legree 
which takes the joy out of life. 

A Family Budget 
One couple found a family budget, 

as opposed to an individual allow-
ance system, has worked to great sat-
isfaction for the parents and the 
children. It stifles individual selfish-
ness and utter disregard for the other 
fellow and in its place brings the 
pleasures of sharing with its accom-
panying appreciation and increase 
in love and affection. We have found 
that a larger family by its very nature 
creates more sharing, and with the 
children surprises bring more pleas-
ure than pay. Luxuries are always en-
joyed by all, but, for children, I be-
lieve, nothing takes the place of 
the love and affection and increased 
interest of parents in all that concerns 
their youngsters. The lack of these 

44 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



three things in so many of our homes 
today, I believe is the prime cause for 
our widespread juvenile delinquency, 
if parents would only stop trying to 
get for themselves and give to their 
children so many material things, 
and instead, try to exemplify in their 
lives and instill in their children 
some of the good old fashioned spir-
itual values, we would see a steady 
decrease in the number of broken 
homes and the consequent broken 
lives. 

May I conclude by stating for you 
engaged people and restating for you 
married folks some of the words 
from the wedding ceremony: "Hence-
forth you will belong entirely to 
each other; you will be one in mind, 
one in heart, one in affections. And, 
whatever sacrifices you may here-
after be required to make to preserve 
this common life, always make them 
generously. Sacrifice is usually diffi-
cult and irksome. Only love can make 
it easy, and perfect love can make 
it a joy." 

One writer has said that—every 
Catholic home, whatever may be its 
financial status or its material condi-
tions and appointments, can be, and 
always is, one of three things: It is 
either a paradise, a purgatory, or a 
hell, depending upon the love that 
prevails or is lacking in it. All of us 
here might well ask ourselves the 
question: "Are we willing to do 
what we can to make a paradise of 
our home here on earth so that we 
may better deserve and obtain an 
eternal paradise in heaven?" 

THE WIFE SPEAKS: 

When I read the title for our talks 
tonight, "Getting Along," I felt it 
should have said "Getting Along 
Well' or "Getting Along Success-
fully." Today the phrase "Getting 
Along" seems to imply that you just 
about make out, that things could be 
much better but are not. Certainly 
in no field is the adverb so important 
as in marriage. We must never be 
content to sit back and be satisfied 
with half measures. Each couple must 
put into practice all of the patience 
and understanding that they can 
manage. Someone said to me once, 
"Do you think I can get along with 
her?" My answer to that was "It 
isn't can but will you get along," 
and I firmly believe that that is 
true. You need a great deal of de-
termination entering marriage, de-
termination that you are going to 
work for a successful marriage, that 
yours will be perfect and that you 
will lose no opportunity to make 
yours the best ever. 

Husband and wife are made to 
supplement each other to make a 
working marriage. The husband has 
the very important job of supporting 
and protecting his wife and family, 
while the wife's part is to lend en-
couragement and sympathy to face 
the trials of getting ahead. 

Man's Work—Woman's Work 
There is no way of determining 

how much is to be done by husband 
and wife to make a working mar-
riage. There is no question of keep-

GETTING ALONG 45 



ing things even as far as time is 
concerned. The work load of each is 
entirely different and done under 
different conditions. Just because the 
husband works eight hours doesn't 
mean that the wife can punch a 
clock and stop work, too. Neither 
should the husband be required to 
come home and pitch in to finish off 
the day's work there. He should be 
willing to lend a helping hand, es-
pecially when there are several small 
ones at the same time, but, as the 
family grows older, the need for this 
should lessen, and we should remem-
ber that he too gets tired and needs 
some time to be with the children, 
to aid in home work and their rec-
reation. The children see enough of 
their mothers all day and they need 
the companionship of "Daddy." He 
will always find plenty of "man's 
work" around the house to keep him 
busy as it is. Did you ever yet see a 
house that didn't need something re-
paired, some grass cut, or some snow 
shoveled ? 

Everyone entering marriage should 
do so anticipating a complete change 
in his life. Your basic nature may not 
change, but you must be ready to 
compromise and do what is best for 
both. This does not mean surrender-
ing your rights, but rather adopting 
the outlook that we can not have 
everything we desire. 

Now Two in One . . . 

You think of yourself as a couple 
—your plans- are made for two. You 
are no longer a "lone wolf" to come 

and go as you wish. Naturally you 
will keep up your friendships and 
associations, but not to the point 
where they will interfere with the 
working order of your marriage. 
Your whole outlook, your interests, 
your living is going to change, and 
"I" in your planning will automatic-
ally become "We." There is no place 
in a good marriage for people who 
are going to stand on their rights 
"no matter what." You all know sev-
eral of the "rugged individualists" 
and I'm sure you've found, as we 
have, that they are generally very 
lonely, bitter people. If they wouldn't 
think so much of themselves but 
would give a little more, they would 
receive much more in return. 

Your main interest in marriage 
should be your partner—not what is 
he going to do for me, but what can 
I do to make him more comfortable 
and happy. If you enter marriage 
with the one goal of making your 
partner happy, and work at it whole-
heartedly and earnestly, you will find 
that as this develops you will be 
happier and more contented than 
you ever imagined you would be. 
Whatever either puts into a marriage, 
redounds to both. In reading Father 
Bede Jarrett's House of Gold I came 
across a very true statement and one 
that needs emphasizing today when 
more and more women are seeking 
work outside the home. He said, "To 
make marriage a success you must 
put all your heart and mind to it. 
Her married life is above all things 
the supreme business of the mother. 

46 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



Success in other lines will not com-
pensate for failure here, so nothing 
must be allowed to interfere with 
her obligation of motherhood and 
wifehood." He goes on to say that 
regardless of what we get into— 
business, profession, hobby, amuse-
ments, etc., her home is her first 
obligation. 

Everyone has faults. And, sadly, 
marriage is one place where they can 
stand out glaringly. But remember, 
they are on both sides and we should 
learn from the start to make allow-
ances for them. Try to play up each 
other's good points and the bad ones 
will become less evident. As Bishop 
Sheen said in one of his talks, 
"When one thinks well of us, we 
try to be worthy of that opinion." 

Guard Your Tongue 

Along this line, I would suggest, 
too, that we guard our tongues in 
speaking of our partners. Even little 
things or chance remarks can be mis-
construed by outsiders. It seems to 
be the style to make light of these 
very wonderful human emotions by 
ridicule or jokes. To everyone out-
side, the person you married should 
be the best, the finest person in the 
world—and don't be afraid to say so. 
Sometimes couples have little diffi-
culties in the beginning that could be 
magnified all out of proportion by 
an outsider. Do not let on to anyone 
by word or look that there are any 
differences. The strange thing is that 
even after things are all going 
smoothly, people always remember 

"The disagreements those two used 
to have!" if they have heard of it. 

A married couple must present to 
everyone an absolutely united front. 
You may, and in all probability 
will have differences, but keep them 
that. Keep back the extra word that 
could change it from a difference to 
something more. From the "Quotable 
Quotes" in the Readers Digest I 
quote: "In married conversation, as 
in surgery, the knife must be used 
with care." 

Responsibility 
When you have finally reached the 

point where you have decided that 
you are serious enough to accept the 
responsibility of your vocation and 
setting up a new family unit, you 
must also accept the responsibility of 
making your own decisions. As a 
new unit you must work together to 
build a strong unit that will with-
stand the many trials that will beset 
you in the years to come. If you es-
tablish the habit of working together 
on your own affairs without seeking 
outside advice on every little thing 
that happens, you will find that your 
family unit will become more firmly 
established and you will be respected 
more by everyone, including your 
families which maybe would like to 
have quite a bit to say about your 
plans. I don't mean that you 
shouldn't seek advice from the older 
people, or people who by their var-
ious positions are qualified to give 
it, but I do mean to seek it only 
when necessary and on things that 
require it. If you do seek advice be 

GETTING ALONG 47 



sure that you do so with the knowl-
edge of your partner. Talk it over 
ahead of time. You will want to do 
nothing that will make your husband 
or wife feel "left out." 

You have got to learn to stand on 
your own feet and do what is best 
for your marriage and there is no 
better time to start than right at the 
very first plan. Remember—no one, 
no matter who it is, will have the 
same interest in your family that you 
have, and it is your duty to consider 
the position and wants of your spouse 
and your family first. We all owe 
a great deal to our parents and, if 
necessary, we we must stand ready to 
do all we can for them, but your 
own family is your main considera-
tion. You naturally want to establish 
close bonds between the grandparents 
and your children because grandchil-
dren are pure joy to the oldsters. It 
is no false saying that they give them 
a new lease on life. If you start out 
at the beginning with that feeling 
of independence being built up, you 
will find that much happy visiting 
back and forth will bring about 
pleasant relationships all around. At 
this point, too, it might be well to 
point out the great increase in the 
demands being made on grandpar-
ents by young people today. Remem-
ber, they have been through the 
business of child raising and respon-
sibility and even though they are 
ready and willing to help out, they 
are entitled to their chance for free-
dom to come and go as they wish. 
It isn't fair to them to burden them 

48 ONE IN MIND, ONE 

with our worries, and responsibilities 
and children. 

"Cloudy Days" 
Just because you get married does 

not mean that you automatically turn 
on sunshine for the rest of your 
days. It may seem so at first but 
there will be many days when life 
looks dark and gloomy and you tend 
towards discouragement. Illnesses or 
worry or upsets of one kind or an-
other can make us snappy and cross 
and not very pleasant to live with 
and that is the time when we need 
an understanding partner—when just 
the right word or a pat on the back 
can bring us out of that mood. One 
other thing that can do most when 
you become discouraged or dis-
gruntled is faith in God. Faith that 
what is happening is part of God's 
plan and that even thought the end 
is not in sight there is a reason for 
what is happening. If every young 
couple would place their marriage in 
God's hands and trust Him, they 
will find His blessings being show-
ered on them in the form of content-
ment, peace and happiness. 

As time goes on you will find that 
you will learn to rely on each other 
more and more. You will suffer the 
loss of members of your families 
either through death or marriage and 
suddenly you will find no one is able 
to lend a hand in your emergencies. 
You will always have one person 
there—your husband or wife. You 
must build up this feeling of depend-
ence on each other right from the 
start. In illnesses or upsets of one 

IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



kind or another each one should be 
able to take over and keep the house 
and family rolling along as smoothly 
as possible. 

As this dependence and reliance 
grows, you will find that you almost 
seem to think alike. You can antici-
pate the other's wants and you find 
yourself waiting a moment to catch 
their feelings before you blurt out 
your thoughts. 

Greatness—A Lot of Little Things 
These things I've mentioned are 

all little things, not great big life 
and death matters, but things that 
will help bring and keep you closer 
together, which is what you want in 
your marriage. Last year, after our 
talk, someone said, "You make it 
sound so easy that we decided to get 
married." If you're looking for some-
thing easy don't get married. If you 
are willing to strive hard, shoulder 
responsibilities beyond your present 

adjustments and most of all, to sub-
mit to God's will, then marriage is 
for you. Life is all trial and some er-
rors and some wonderful successes 
and it is these successes that make 
anything worth going through. 

It may be something for you to 
know that tonight we face something 
in common with you. The next ten 
years ahead are just as much of a 
mystery to us as yours are to you. We 
are just starting our children into 
their teens, our financial setup will 
change with the advent of high 
school, our expenses are going to 
mount continually but we feel that 
with planning and working together 
it will work out. Just remember you 
will always have problems of one 
sort or another to be solved. All we 
should ask is the grace to try to solve 
each problem as it comes along while 
offering thanks to God for the op-
portunity of living a very satisfying 
life. conception, face decisions, make huge 

QUESTIONS FOR RBVIEW 

1. Is it necessary to have a bank account to get married? 2. What is a 
budget? 3. Who should plan the budget, husband, or •wife? 4. Is it neces-
sary that one of the married partners be "boss"? 5. Should the husband have 
one night out a week with "the boys"? 6. Is it good for the mother to work 
outside the home? 7. How important to the happiness of marriage is the 
child? 8. Should children be punished and/or rewarded for the sake of dis-
cipline? 9. Is it important for parents to be firm with their children where 
discipline is concerned? 

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION 

1. Should a childless couple adopt a child? 2. Who said "There's no such 
thing as a bad boy"? 3. What do you mean by the expression "the father 
should grow up with the children"? 4. Can persons expect happiness when 
they marry for money? 5. Is it true that "when poverty comes in the door, 
love flies out of the window" ? 6. How important is it for men and women 
to recognize the psychological differences between them? 7. How important 
is it for the parties in marriage to remember anniversaries, birthdays, etc.? 
8. Should the wife take an interest in her husband's business? 9. Is it good 
for either father or mother to have a favorite child? 10. What do you think 
is a minimum salary requirement for a family with three or four children? 

GETTING ALONG 49 



5. Getting the fsacts 

(On the Medical and Personal Side) 

A Catholic Physician 

I SPEAK tonight as a Catholic doctor under the auspices of a 
Catholic college on the subject of 
Catholic marriage to Catholic stu-
dents and their friends. Among the 
friends must be members of other 
faiths. To them I say that I'll not 
talk a word of controversy. Agree 
that humans have spirituality, and a 
believing person of any faith does, 
and you'll like what I say tonight. So 
open your hearts and listen. 

Being a public speaker neither by 
inclination nor training, I approach 
this lecture tonight with true humility 
and not a little trepidation. I wrote 
most of this talk during the Novena 
of Grace. My prayer was that the 
Holy Spirit would touch my mind 
and help me to accomplish the per-
fection demanded for this occasion. 
My prayer tonight is that He touch 
my mind and my lips, and your ears 
and your minds, that in so involved 

a subject as marriage, I may say 
what is right and you may rightly in-
terpret what I say. Let this be our 
special invocation. 

When you talk on sex and mar-
riage, you are certain to touch on 
many physiologic facts that have 
moral ramifications. However, I'm 
no moralist and I'm not talking 
morals here tonight. 

I will outline the social and biologic 
background of modern secular mar-
riage, then bring out the pertinent 
anatomy, physiology, and psychology 
of the sexes. Lastly we will tie the 
loose ends together in a discussion 
of the psychosomatics of marriage— 
a relatively new term by which medi-
cal science at least is again admitting 
that man has spirituality as well as a 
physical nature. Medicine was deeply 
secularized. But physicians have been 
the first scientists to admit their er-
ror. You can secularize biology and 

The Catholic physician who is author of this chapter prefers to remain anonymous. 
It is sufficient to say that he is a product of Catholic education and an obstetrician of 
wide experience. 

50 



speak of man and guinea pigs in the 
same breath, but a doctor cannot cure 
a man of a disease by treating him 
like a laboratory animal. So now we 
have the psychosomatics of all disease 
entities, the effect of the disease on 
the total man—body and soul. Now 
marriage is diseased today—with a 
frightening mortality rate of 25% in 
1946. I know of few diseases with 
a higher mortality rate. Secularized, 
godless marriage is a major disease 
of society. And the cure is going to 
be found along spiritual lines. Medi-
cine today is stressing psychosomatics. 
It can't otherwise cure human beings. 
And when our social scientists give 
man's spirituality the dominant place 
it deserves in marriage and all human 
relations then marriage and this so-
cially sick world of ours will be 
cured of its worst ills. 

"Modern" Marriage 
Until recently Catholic marriage 

presented no great problems. Why 
does it present problems today? 
Largely, because our society has been 
changing during the first half of this 
century, at an almost cataclysmic rate. 
The institution of marriage, the cor-
nerstone of any society, has been 
caught in these changes. Catholic 
marriage has held rigidly to its tradi-
tional norms and customs. Too much 
of the rest of society has accepted a 
new marriage—"modern marriage." 
The danger today is that too many 
Catholics, accusing the Church of 
being old-fashioned and out of touch 
with the times, are accepting modern 
marriage as the real thing. 

Modern secular marriage is rela-
tively new. Like so many things in 
our culture, it found its seed in the 
great mass of new, materialistic, sci-
entific knowledge brought forth in 
the last half of the Nineteenth Cen-
tury, that reduced man from his tra-
ditional role as a son of God, to that 
of a brother of the animals. The 
Freudian concept of sexuality took 
root here and in turn it affected 
man's concept of marriage as did 
nothing since the new force of Chris-
tianity centuries earlier. Modern mar-
riage was nourished by the new secu-
larism that took God, paradoxically 
enough, even out of religion; and 
also out of education, and all of life. 
It grew with the new-found, highly 
developed individualism with its cor-
responding weakening of social con-
trols. 

Urbanization, the mass migration 
to the cities, and its concomitant in-
dustrialization, provided further rich 
soil to strengthen it. It moved mil-
lions of mothers from the home to 
the factory, attending machines in-
stead of children. It made the child, 
who for centuries had been a help on 
the farm, at first a less useful tool of 
industry and then with the enactment 
of child labor laws, an outright eco-
nomic burden. Urbanization brought 
prenatal and well-baby clinics and 
hospitalization for safe delivery and 
thus the cost of bearing and rearing 
children was multiplied. More and 
more unwanted, they in turn became 
neglected. Here entered the crusading 
Birth Controllers. It is only charitable 

GETTING THE CROWN 51 



to say that almost without exception 
they were misgu ided , untrained, 
sha l low- th ink ing zealots who at-
tempted radically to eliminate effects 
rather than patiently reshape causes. 
They accomplished little in reducing 
the number of children, but they did 
succeed in prostituting man's concep-
tion of the marriage act, and effec-
tively persuaded the unthinking mil-
lions and the selfish few that children 
were to be accepted as a burden once 
or twice and after that only in so far 
as Nature could not be controlled. 

And lastly, universal modern edu-
cation with its emphasis on freedom 
of expression without any reasonable 
restraints or discipline, helped mod-
ern marriage to reach finally and 
quickly, large numbers and to take a 
central place in the landscape of the 
new society, leaving the old, tradi-
tional Christian marriage in its shade. 

A Hybrid 

Modern Marriage, then, has come 
into being as an off-shoot of all these 
new forces. It is presented now as a 
hybrid with deceptively little trace of 
the original seed. But remember, it 
took seed in naturalism, materialism, 
and atheism. If it ran true to stock it 
would today teach that marriage is 
but the union of a male and female 
animal, solely to perpetuate life and 
the species. Generation, it would say, 
a blind compulsive force, is the first 
commandment of nature. Motherly 
love, also blind and compulsive, is 
the second commandment. Love is 
but a powerful instinct. Insects, as 

well as man and woman, make love. 
And above all, man admits of no 
spirituality any more than the rest of 
nature. Now some scientists teach 
those things today. At the human 
level they logically teach free love 
before marriage and concubinage in 
marriage, thus combining the social 
advantages of monagamy for the 
children with cohabitation for the 
male, which they consider proper to 
his nature. Easy divorce settles the 
few difficulties that could arise in 
such a so-called natural free society. 
That is what the naturalistic philoso-
phers teach to be marriage. And give 
them credit at least for consistency. 
But they were so consistent that the 
common ordinary thinking man sensed 
their inhumanity and rejected them. 
Man will stand for human love being 
called the same thing as the force 
that brings two love birds together 
cooing at each other on the branch 
of a blossoming tree. That is beauti-
ful. That could be love, all right. But, 
these philosophers are not satisfied to 
stop there. They debate whether 
man's ability to paint represents as 
high a development of the color 
sense as that displayed by certain 
species of birds. To the ordinary 
man, that doesn't make sense. Then 
the cold rascals come up with a real 
shocker. For instance—and I take 
this from one of their writings—they 
describe the beautiful love of two 
vultures mating in the carcass of a 
dead horse. That chills the ordinary 
man. That, he is somehow sure, is 
false. That is not beautiful. That is 

52 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



not love. But the philosophers who 
have given us the hybrid that is 
passed off as modern marriage, steer 
away from these too consistent nat-
uralists. They tell us a little bit of 
pre-marital sex experience is desira-
ble if it is done intelligently enough 
to avoid pregnancy. A little philan-
dering in marriage is in keeping with 
man's polygamous nature and is to 
be accepted and winked at. We must 
have contraception and easy divorce 
if man is to enjoy the full freedom 
of action that is his right. All these 
new ideas might trouble man's con-
science, pardon me, his sub-conscious, 
so they do away with a personal God 
and substitute a vague notion of 
humanity. 

"But, There is a G o d " 
That is the inseparable social and 

biologic background of modern mar-
riage. Now, either there is no God, 
man is just an animal, the mating of 
the vultures is love, and the material-
ists are right; or God exists, man has 
a spiritual as well as a physical na-
ture and marriage is the union of 
two immortal beings bound forever 
by a powerful, beautiful, spiritual 
force—love. The principles under-
lying the two philosophies are totally 
incompatible—an attempt to mix 
them in any proportion flies against 
reason. The more materialism is 
mixed into a philosophy of marriage, 
the surer are its vowtakers to end up 
unhappy and in failure. And remem-
ber—this is basic—in any discussion 
of marriage, at the extremes you em-

brace the philosophy of Catholic mar-
riage or the vultures. 

Heredity 
A man and a woman on the thresh-

old of marriage have certain spiritual, 
physical, psychological, and emo-
tional resources that are more or less 
manifest. From them we can predict 
the success or failure of a marriage 
with some accuracy. They are the im-
portant things. A very minor consid-
eration are the hereditary resources 
of the couple. Some of this is mani-
fest; most is masked in hidden assets 
and liabilities. Most present here to-
night, I know, have a working 
knowledge of genetics; for those who 
do not, let us recall a few basic facts. 
There is no family tree that does not 
have some undesirable skeleton in the 
closet—insanity, epilepsy, diabetes, 
some malformation or other, to name 
but a few. The important thing to 
remember is that there is no family 
tree, now perhaps millions of years 
old, that has not some undesirable 
branches. The undesirable branch of 
your tree might not show in this gen-
eration, but may in the next or the 
next. Any family tree will be weak 
in some things, strong in others. But 
except for very rare instances, one 
family can look another in the eye 
and rightly say: "We are no better 
than you are, but we'll be darned if 
we're not as good." Fortunately, most 
undesirable characteristics and dis-
eases arise from genes that are re-
cessive and tend to be weeded out. 
A recessive, such as a tendency to 
schizophrenia, can never show in an 

GETTING THE CROWN 53 



offspring unless it is present in the 
family trees of both parents. Even 
then it is extremely rare. Related 
family trees are apt to have the same 
undesirable recessive, and that is why 
marriages are forbidden within the 
third degree of kindred. 

Another principle to remember is 
that acquired characteristics are not 
hereditary—lameness from Polio, for 
example. That is an acquired charac-
teristic and never hereditary. There 
are diseases which are inherited from 
genes that are dominant—creeping 
paralysis is one. These dominant, 
lethal genes are rare. If a person did 
not have such an inherited disease, 
but a parent did, the chances of 
transmitting it would be nil. When 
we leave characteristics and begin to 
talk about hereditary traits and tend-
encies, we find that these are even 
more difficult to assay and predict. 
When all is said on the subject of 
heredity and marriage, there are four 
worthwhile rules to remember. One: 
—Take a look at the family tree of 
the person you are courting, the 
mother, the father, brothers, sisters, 
aunts, and uncles and you can get a 
pretty good idea, whether from it 
will come little acorns, or little chest-
nuts, or what is more important, little 
screwballs. Two,—If you have any 
fears about heredity, have them set-
tled by a competent authority before 
marriage. Three:—Choose a partner 
who epitomizes sana mens in sano 
corpore—a sound mind in a sound 
body—and let the devil worry about 
hidden undesirable characteristics. 

Four:—Remember that at the time of 
conception the genes of the two part-
ners are shaken up much like a pair 
of dice. When you are married and 
are hoping for a child, it is wise to 
ask God to stack the dice in favor of 
that little person to be conceived. If 
He will, there is nothing to worry 
about, because there is no undesirable 
dominant characteristic that is in-
herited in a proportion higher than 
one in two, and with God watching 
over the dice, as it were, you can al-
ways get the child of your dreams 
and miss little "snake eyes." So much 
for heredity. 

We will turn now to the anatomy, 
physiology, and psychology of the 
sexes. A basic knowledge of all three 
is necessary for a man and woman to 
understand and love each other. 

Anatomy of Sex 

Bookshelves are filled with trea-
tises on marriage, all with the anat-
omy of sex adequately and usually 
profusely illustrated. It is a good idea 
to take such a book along on one's 
wedding trip. Before that time we 
have to strike a balance between in-
nocence and a knowledge of sex anat-
omy which is essential to a knowl-
edge of the physiology of sex. A 
minimum background knowledge of 
anatomy then seems desirable and 
necessary. It can be presented briefly 
using symbols and employing a com-
parative technic, that could spoil the 
innocence or offend the sensibilities 
of no one mature enough to attend 
these lectures. 

54 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



When the embryo is about two 
months old, the two sexes are indis-
tinguishable both externally and in-
ternally. Using symbols to illustrate, 
the picture is this: 

Each circle is an undifferentiated 
internal sex gland, later to be an 
ovary or testis. There are two duct 
systems in every embryo, the broken 
line the male, the solid line the fe-
male. The square and the rectangles 
represent the undifferentiated exter-
nal genitalia. If things develop com-
pletely and it is very exceptional if 
they do not, the rectangles represent-
ing the genital folds receive the male 
sex gland when it descends. The fe-
male internal sex gland descends 
only as far as the pelvis and remains 
an internal organ. The genital tu-
bercle represented by the square be-
comes the erectile tissue of either sex. 
The male duct system develops into 
narrow tubes to transmit the male 
sex cells, the spermatozoa. The fe-
male duct system develops into the 
tubes to transmit the female sex cell, 
the ovum; the uterus, to nourish and 

house the fertilized ovum; and the 
vagina, the external passage to allow 
the developed products of conception 
to reach the outside world. The extra 
duct system of either embryo degen-
erates and disappears. 

The sexes in their origins then are 
completely alike. In all respects other 
than the organs of generation, male 
and female are very similar anatomi-
cally, but in every respect the male 
organ, say the heart, is bigger and 
stronger than the female indicating, 
right at the start, that, the feminists 
to the contrary, God did not create 
the sexes equal. Over and over again 
we will see that as we go along. Male 
and female are seldom equal, but 
they do not compete with each other; 
they complement each other. Ana-
tomically speaking, God obviously 
meant man and woman to come to-
gether in marital union and complete 
their otherwise incomplete natures. 
There is no reason for a male genital 
apparatus to produce and transmit 
the male sex cells, spermatozoa, if 
there were no female sex apparatus to 
receive and unite with and develop 
the seed. And likewise, the female 
sex apparatus is unintelligible with-
out the male component. That is all 
you need to know about the anatomy 
of sex to understand intelligently 
God's design, which is even more 
interestingly revealed by a brief study 
of the physiology of the sexes. 

Requirements for Marriage 

Before leaving the anatomy, let us 
say a word about the minimal physi-

GETTING THE CROWN 55 



cal and mental requirements for mar-
riage. A person must be able physi-
cally to perform the sex union or if 
not, marriage is impossible. If there 
is a development anomally the time 
to discover it is before marriage. 
Surgery can correct most defects. If 
it cannot, and the marriage has taken 
place, there may be the embarrass-
ment of an annulment. This has hap-
pened; so it can happen. There are 
less serious deficiencies that have to 
be individually appraised. For in-
stance, should a person marry who 
has been hospitalized more than once 
for a major mental illness? Is it wise 
for a woman to marry who knows 
that she has a fatal form of hyper-
tension, likely to be aggravated by 
p regnancy? Any ser ious disease 
should be revealed and appraised be-
fore marriage, its risks known and 
accepted by both partners. "A sound 
mind in a sound body" is one of the 
foundation stones of a happy mar-
riage. 

Physiology of Sex 
Now we will take up the physi-

ology of sex. The physiology of the 
female is much more complicated 
than that of the male, because while 
the marriage act ends with the physi-
cal union for the latter, for the fe-
male it may activate a gestation pe-
riod of nine months. To take up the 
male physiology first:—The internal 
sex organ, the testis, from puberty 
on, is continually forming millions 
of motile cells—the spermatozoa, mi-
croscopic cells with a head, and a 

56 ONE IN MIND, 

tail for locomotion. These sperms are 
capable of uniting with the female 
sex cell, the ovum or egg, in what is 
called fertilization. Actually only one 
does. Millions are formed apparently 
so that surely one will reach the fe-
male sex cell. This is not a perfect 
explanation because a lot less than 
two hundred to four hundred mil-
lion, the actual number deposited at 
sex union, would guarantee that one 
would reach the ovum. Only recently 
it has been discovered that the others, 
previously thought wasted, secrete a 
substance which dissolves a resistant 
membrane around the ovum, enabling 
one sperm to unite with it. To this 
point there is an attraction between 
the male and female sex cells much 
like the attraction between the nega-
tive and positive sides of an electric 
circuit. Once contact is made be-
tween the ovum and sperm, the at-
traction is neutralized, the circuit is 
closed as it were, and there is no fur-
ther attraction. 

The Man 
Sperm production is continuous. 

Differing with the individual, when 
large numbers are manufactured and 
stored, there is a sex tension set up, 
the intensity of which varies accord-
ing to the individual. Mental activity 
seems to mitigate the sex drive and 
lessen fertility in the male. To con-
trol the sex drive is no problem 
whatever in the life of a normal man. 
Many husbands sell their wives the 
idea that it is, and begin talking 
about rights and duties. There are 

ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



physiologic outlets for the physical 
component and the psychic tensions 
can be sublimated and thus chan-
neled into other activities. That is 
normal human male sex physiology. 
A man who is a sex addict, who cen-
ters his very existence around sex-
uality, will find any reasonable con-
tinence in or out of marriage a source 
of psychical and physical discomfort. 
The morphine addict does too when 
he is deprived of his drug. One is as 
pathologic as the other. All this is 
said to refute the idea that continence 
is harmful in the male in or out of 
marriage. In a sex addict it is. But 
not in a normal man and that is one 
of the first principles of married sex 
life. For years some professors of 
science in a few of our secular col-
leges have been teaching that con-
tinence is harmful. This view has 
gradually reached large numbers of 
men at lower educational levels with 
harmful sociological repercussions. 
Far from being harmful, continence 
is natural in courtship. In marriage, 
linked with a spirit of sacrifice, it is 
not a cold, negative thing, but a vir-
tue that can fire married love. 

Here let us pause to recognize that 
it will be an uncommon marriage in 
which at some time husband and wife 
do not think there is reason to post-
pone conception. They should then 
bring their individual personal prob-
lem to the moralist—preferably in 
the rectory rather than in the confes-
sional. Let them tell him what the 
family doctor or the wife's doctor or 
the husband's doctor has said or tell 

him their sociologic or other prob-
lem, and if he agrees that they have a 
reason to postpone conception, then 
they know, not just think, they have 
a reason to postpone conception. 
Then they are faced with a problem 
involving their total natures, separate 
and as joined in marriage. Its solu-
tion must logically be along broad 
lines; continence, periodic or total, 
will obviously be a part of it. That 
will usually be more of a burden to 
the husband than the wife. Then they 
must sublimate their sex drives. Here 
we look to the developing Cana 
Movement to help couples accom-
plish this. We must teach them that 
marriage is more than opening the 
door to sexual union. We must stress 
the need to develop its full physical 
potentialities. For instance, in sports 
enjoyed together, there aren't enough 
mixed foursomes on our golf courses, 
mixed doubles on our tennis courts. 
Too few couples dance together after 
marriage or bother to keep up with 
the new steps. We must impress on 
them that their marriage can be psy-
chologically richer, fuller, and hap-
pier by learning to enjoy good music, 
literature, and the other arts together. 
Spiritually, they must be impressed 
again and again with the necessity of 
continually seeking the miracle of 
Grace. It would seem that when post-
ponement of conception is necessary, 
continence for short or prolonged in-
tervals is going to be a much more 
important part of marriage in our 
generation. And continence is a vir-
tue. Because the sex drive is stronger 

GETTING THE CROWN 57 



in the male, the burden of continence 
will have to be shouldered a bit more 
by our Catholic men than by the 
women. Up to now, in all, but espe-
cially in the spiritual and psychologi-
cal spheres, many of the most pre-
cious, deepest, and best well-springs 
of happiness in Catholic marriage 
have been stumbled upon by too few 
of our Catholic couples. The Cana 
Movement must show more of them 
the road to these well-springs. 

The Woman 
And now to the physiology of 

woman. Beginning at puberty, new 
secretions of the pituitary gland 
come into action and act on the 
ovaries stimulating them to periodic 
activity. The ovary is the center of 
things—more specifically, an egg fol-
licle that begins to grow. It takes 
roughly fourteen days for the egg to 
grow and be discharged from the 
ovary. This is called ovulation. As the 
microscopic egg develops, it becomes 
surrounded by a cavity filled with 
fluid. When the egg is discharged, a 
rent about the size of a hazelnut is 
left in the ovary and this is filled 
with a yellow substance. In about 
fourteen more days the rent is com-
pletely healed. Both the fluid present 
about the egg during the first four-
teen days and the yellow substance 
that closes the rent over during the 
second fourteen days are active chem-
icals, and they act upon the uterus in 
succession to cause a thickened mem-
brane to line its cavity. This mem-
brane receives and nourishes the fer-

tilized egg if conception occurs at the 
mid-point of the cycle, namely, at 
ovulation. If conception does not oc-
cur at the time of ovulation, the yel-
low substance peters out at the 
twenty-eighth day; the nourishing 
force of the membrane of the uterus 
entirely disappears; the membrane 
dies and is shed with a moderate 
blood loss as the menstrual flow. If 
conception occurs on the fourteenth 
day, the yellow substance is thereby 
stimulated to further growth, the 
menses do not occur and the woman, 
having missed a period by one day is 
already at the fifteenth day of gesta-
tion. 

There are several other basic facts 
of interest: (1) It is thought that 
many if not most women do not ovu-
late until they are seventeen or so. 
The egg fluid and the yellow sub-
stance form in the ovary, but an egg 
does not grow full enough to be ca-
pable of becoming fertilized. A prac-
tical effect of this is that promiscuous 
Junior Highers, especially the inno-
cent ones, are providentially pro-
tected from pregnancy. (2) At the 
time of ovulation most women have 
symptoms to tell them that the event 
is occurring. This has a practical ap-
plication concerning conception. (3) 
During the two phases of the men-
strual cycle, the woman's temperature 
taken the first thing on awakening— 
the basal temperature before activity 
changes it—is higher in the second 
fourteen-day phase. This also has a 
practical application concerning con-
ception. (4) The egg is fertilizable 

58 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



for at most a few hours after ovula-
tion. (5) The sperm can live in the 
uterus and be capable of fertilizing 
the egg for perhaps as long as four 
or five days. 

(Here, to digress:—these newer 
facts of woman's physiology can be 
used to enchance fertility in the four-
teen percent of couples who are ster-
ile. This is a physician's problem. 
The same facts can be used to avoid 
conception, never with certainty, or 
here would be an invitation on na-
ture's part to be promiscuous outside 
of marriage. When the facts are used 
to avoid conception, it primarily con-
cerns the moralist who has to deal 
with a husband and wife and their 
personal, individual problem. The 
doctor does not enter the picture, ex-
cept at the priest's invitation.) 

Now back to the physiology of 
woman. (6) It is thought that only 
one out of four ova is capable of 
being fertilized. (7) Besides the pe-
riod between puberty and seventeen-
or-so, when a woman is quite infer-
tile, there are three other periods of 
differing fertility. From eighteen to 
twenty-six a woman is most fertile. 
From twenty-six to thirty-four, less 
so. From thirty-five to forty-five, or 
whenever the menopause or cessation 
occurs, she is least fertile. The dif-
ference is apparently due to the fre-
quency of ovulation at these different 
ages. In other words, a woman of 
twenty-two probably ovulates on the 
fourteenth day of every cycle. A 
woman of thirty-eight may ovulate 
only on the fourteenth day of every 

fourth cycle. There is a practical ap-
plication of this. Many couples mar-
rying at twenty-one have two chil-
dren by the age of twenty-four. They 
figure two children in three years— 
there are eighteen producing years 
left; therefore, they will have twelve 
more children, other factors being 
equal. Stop the music! They won't, 
of course, because fertility decreases 
with the years. 

Also let me stress that fertility is a 
relative not an absolute thing. For 
multiple reasons known to science, 
some couples are relatively very fer-
tile and some are relatively infertile. 
For instance, the wife may occasion-
ally ovulate twice a month instead of 
once. There is incontestible medical 
evidence to show that women were 
meant to have their children in the 
early twenties. Endometriosis and 
fibroids, for instance, both of which 
tend to cause sterility, are frequently 
seen in the late twenties and very 
often in the early and mid-thirties. 
Another point, while a mother is 
nursing successfully, ovulation and 
menstruation do not occur and preg-
nancy is impossible. So, suspension 
of fertility is a function per se of the 
lactating breasts. But if nursing is 
not completely successful, ovulation 
may occur unpredictably and preg-
nancy may follow without the menses 
returning between pregnancies. 

The cessation of the menses in the 
early or mid-forties is accompanied 
by many disturbing nervous symp-
toms in some women, requiring sym-
pathetic understanding on the part 

GETTING THE CROWN 59 



of their husbands and all about them. 
So much for the physiology of 
woman up to pregnancy. 

Conception 
Conception or fertilization, which 

signifies the union of the male and 
female sex cells, takes place in the 
Fallopian tube that runs from either 
side of the uterus to the proximity of 
the ovaries. In the sex cells are 
chromosomes, small rods that carry 
different hereditary characteristics, 
such as eye color, etc. One pair of 
chromosomes is exclusively concerned 
with sex determination, and the male 
element is the final controlling factor 
here. This fact affords comfort to 
many a woman when she has pre-
sented her spouse with a fourth 
daughter and no son. Every species 
has a fixed number of chromosomes. 
The human species has forty-eight. 
To keep this number from increasing 
to ninety-six when the male and fe-
male sex cells unite, it is necessary 
that the sex cells halve their chromo-
some total before fertilization. This 
is accomplished by a special reduc-
tion division of the cells and is just 
one of the miracles involved in the 
phenomenon of conception. 

Pregnancy 
If conception occurs, gestation lasts 

267 days or so. From the thirtieth to 
the one hundredth day a woman is 
apt to be sick in the morning. A few 
are very sick. Some are not sick at all. 
This is to be considered if a girl en-
tering marriage hopes to work the 
first few months, anticipating that 

conception may occur right away. 
The couple should not let their finan-
ces depend on it. However, if she is 
not sick, she can work for five 
months. A woman should not fear 
any element of pregnancy. Pain is a 
thing of the past. If a woman gets 
adequate prenatal care, statistics show 
that she is more apt to die from a fall 
in her home than she is from preg-
nancy. Fears about child-bearing can 
seriously mar the happiness of mar-
riage. Sometimes the fear is based on 
something the girl has heard. Again, 
it may stem from a previously mis-
managed birth of her own. There is 
no good reason, though, to fear 
childbirth. Any fear about childbirth 
must be baseless. 

Psychology of Sex 
A brief discussion now on the 

psychology of the sexes. In marriage 
a man and woman agree to live to-
gether the rest of their lives. They 
are more apt to live in happiness if 
the lives they match are well en-
dowed with virtues. That term is 
never mentioned in books on modern 
marriage. The need of virtues is rec-
ognized, but denying man's spiritual-
ity, their meaning is lost when they 
are grouped with psychologic apti-
tudes. Faith is passed off as emo-
tional security; charity, as the aptitude 
to share; courage is but a fear reac-
tion; envy is not a sin, but merely a 
show of emotional immaturity. But 
the truth is man has spirituality, can 
develop virtues, and they are impor-
tant to successful marriage. 

60 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



We must early inculcate in our 
little girls the virtues of their ideal 
—the Blessed Mother. Teach a little 
girl modesty and at fourteen she will 
not be involved in a Junior High sex 
scandal. Though she did not know 
where babies come from, she would 
instinctively know that any violation 
of her modesty had to be wrong. We 
can teach little boys to be chivalrous. 
In games we can teach them cour-
age. St. Joseph is their prototype. 
Teach a boy to protect his little sister 
and as a man he will protect the 
woman he loves. Teach children of 
both sexes to see through the eyes of 
faith the beauty of God in all things 
about them. To get the most out of 
marriage you must have the ability to 
appreciate the beautiful. These are 
some of the essentials of sex educa-
tion. 

Some virtues find more fertile soil 
for development in one sex than in 
the other, and some find fertile soil 
in both. One of the latter and an im-
portant one is understanding. For a 
man and woman to live happily to-
gether they must understand each 
other's psychological natures. In this 
the two sexes differ considerably, and 
because love presupposes understand-
ing, let us outline the psychologic 
differences of man and woman. First, 
it is not all contrast. There are funda-
mental psychological aptitudes com-
mon to man and woman that both 
must bring well developed into mar-
riage. 

Early Beginnings 
The common acquired psychologi-

cal aptitudes that lead to a happy 
marriage and a happy life have their 
beginnings in the cradle. A child is 
delivered from its mother's womb 
and cries. If it does not cry, some-
thing is alarmingly wrong and the 
obstetrician gets busy to remedy the 
situation. The infant cries for its 
basic physical needs—oxygen, 
warmth, food, and water; and for its 
basic psychological needs—recogni-
tion (and how he cries for it!), a 
sense of security, and love in an in-
stinctive form. Receiving these, he is 
off to a good start in life. Soon he is 
going to know self-esteem, a con-
sciousness of pleasing others, perhaps 
when he is praised for getting up a 
good big bubble. Later on he is going 
to learn self-respect, an inward satis-
faction in doing right—perhaps the 
first time he overcomes the impulse 
to throw a spoonful of cereal on the 
wallpaper and slobbers it into his 
mouth where it rightfully belongs. 
Later on he is taught to share, and 
he grows into a social being. He puts 
one block on top of another and first 
experiences the thrill of creative ex-
pression. By now real, rather than 
instinctive, love becomes known. He 
feels it shown to him and he returns 
it to others. Now at the age of one 
an infant has already laid down the 
psychological f o u n d a t i o n s for a 
happy life. The most important thing 
is love. The more love the better; 
literally, a home full of it. 

All these basic aptitudes then are 
well developed very early in life. A 
child is said to have developed his 

GETTING THE CROWN 61 



personality at two. Any nun teaching 
kindergarten will tell you that she 
can but further develop the child that 
is brought to her classroom door. The 
basic behavior pattern has already 
been set. The psychologic foundation 
for a happy marriage then is laid 
early in life and is practically beyond 
changing when adulthood is reached. 
The selfish wife in marriage was the 
little girl who once stamped her feet 
and got her own and her brother's 
share. The little boy whose parents 
never taught him self-esteem won't 
care very much whether he holds a 
job or not as a father. So much for 
the psychological foundation of mar-
riage common to the sexes. 

Man and Woman 
Complementary 

The psychological aptitudes of 
which we have spoken play a vital 
role in a happy marriage. Especially 
important is the sharing of creative 
activity, since it is spiritually stimu-
lating and physically relaxing. For 
example, the preparation—the crea-
tion—of this lecture has been a 
source of much happiness to my wife 
and me. The invitation from Father 
Clark quite naturally produced feel-
ings of self-esteem and self-respect. 
Then a joint project was begun. On 
returning from the office in the eve-
ning there were notes that had their 
inspiration in the consultations of 
the day. Meanwhile, my wife had 
made notes from assigned reading. 
All these were shared, discussed, 
shaped, reshaped, and finally a manu-

script was "created" by her type-
writer from my scribbled pages. And 
so for weeks we shared a creative ex-
perience. Successfully completing the 
project resulted in self-confidence, 
contributing finally to the emotional 
security which is so essential to hap-
piness. This was purely a psychologic 
activity. As simple a thing as reading 
a book together would be a compara-
ble activity. At other times projects 
with a predominant physical compo-
nent can be undertaken—as an exam-
ple, and a very natural one—plan-
ning and creating the nursery for the 
first arrival. Such creative activity is 
an extremely important source of 
happiness in marriage and a life to-
gether brings countless possibilities 
of sharing it. So much for the psy-
chological foundation of marriage 
common to both sexes. 

Equally important are the psycho-
logic traits peculiar to each sex. Here 
again the vital difference man's spir-
ituality makes in his nature must be 
recognized. For example, in animals 
the senses have a limited function. A 
dog sees and scents a rose, finds 
nothing appetizing and moves on. A 
man, endowed with spirituality, sees 
a rose and finds God. In like manner, 
man's spirituality vitally affects sex. 
In animal life, sex is a superficial 
thing. In action, a male and female 
cat, for instance, are much alike. But 
in humans sex goes deep. It goes to 
the soul. The street-walker who 
abuses sex, mutilates her soul and be-
trays it in her face. That is how sex 
affects the whole of human nature. 

62 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



Because of sex, human nature is real-
ized in two spiritually, psychologi-
cally, and emotionally contrasting 
personalities, meant to complement 
each other. When this is understood, 
these differences make for happiness. 
Not understood, they provide an ever 
fertile soil for clashes and misunder-
standings and cause tragic unhappi-
ness—tragic because it is all so need-
less. Men and women, then, must 
never forget that they think, feel, and 
love differently. 

Essentially, metaphysically if you 
will, man by nature is said to be cen-
trifugal, woman centripetal. Man is 
the wanderer, restless, the seeker, the 
inventor. Woman is content by the 
hearth, more stable, more serene, 
man's anchor. Sex is linked a bit dif-
ferently in the two. It is linked more 
to a man's body as it were, and more 
to a woman's soul. A man deficient 
in sex power will respond to sex 
hormones. Give him an injection of 
male hormones and you can improve 
him tremendously. Not so the woman. 
Half of all women never experience 
the specific, emotional sexual climax 
in marriage. When this is so, com-
plex emotional factors, often going 
right back to childhood, are usually 
the cause. No injections of female 
sex hormones will change the situa-
tion. The cure is to be sought along 
psychologic paths with the help of a 
psychiatrist. 

Further making the contrasts glare, 
we say that man is reasonable, woman 
intuitive; a man gets the general, 
over-all effect; a woman grasps de-

tails and reacts spontaneously. A 
man's judgment is more accurate; a 
woman's more rapid, she relying 
more on intuition and first impres-
sions. A man's self-assurance is more 
marked than a woman's. Because she 
is a mother to her children and in a 
sense to the world, a woman is more 
devoted to others. A man speaks lit-
erally; a husband should try to under-
stand what his wife means by what 
she says. 

Woman is more sensitive emo-
tionally. A man will say, "I under-
stand your sorrow": but a woman, 
"I feel your sorrow." A man recalls 
vivid emotional experiences; a woman 
will relive them forever. A woman 
then is hurt more deeply by an emo-
tional offense. Emotional life has 
been likened to a river, with a dam 
at one point of its course. Something 
happens and we say, "That's water 
over the dam." It may be entirely so 
for the man; but there is a good 
chance that much of the experience 
for the woman is left to well up in 
the deep waters forever. So a man 
must handle a woman's emotions 
with understanding care. A deep psy-
chological sex trauma, for example, 
may never be erased and may mar a 
woman's sex life forever. Some 
women's emotions vary with their 
changing physiology and an intelli-
gent husband remembers this. We 
men should not expect to learn all 
the emotional secrets of woman. Nor 
should a woman ever hope to read us 
like a book. Marriage would be bor-
ing if this were possible. In marriage, 

GETTING THE CROWN 63 



in a sense, you grow on each other 
as you share your lives together in 
married love, and as you share your 
thoughts and emotions over and 
over through the years. The human 
mind can never communicate all of 
itself to another in any conceivable 
number of words. Somehow a man 
and woman blend their thought 
processes in marriage so that many 
times a day one will say to the other, 
"That's funny. I was thinking the 
same thing." Peculiarly many men 
have morning sickness of pregnancy 
when their wives do not. During the 
war it was not unusual for a service-
man, still not knowing his wife got 
pregnant on his farewell leave, to 
find himself thousands of miles from 
home in the station hospital or sick 
bay with morning sickness. 

And in a similar mysterious fash-
ion, a husband and wife blend their 
emotions. Here it is much like the 
way we take to a new symphonic re-
cording. It must strike a responsive 
chord to begin with, but beyond that 
it may hardly touch you the first few 
hearings. But little by little it does 
and you like it more and more, until 
you feel it is a part of you. But never 
so much a part of you that you will 
not want it to be still more a part of 
you; and you desire to hear it again 
and again. So with the emotional ad-
justment of a man and woman in 
marriage. With knowledge and un-
derstanding, more and more they 
will strike only responsive chords. It 
is as indefinite but as simple and 
satisfying as that. 

Love 

So much then for the nature of 
man and woman. The Creator chose 
to express humanity in two forms, 
male and female, and there you have 
them. To live humanity in the fullest, 
it is essential that they come together. 
What brings a man and woman to-
gether in marriage? Angels without 
bodies cannot marry. Animals with 
bodies but without spiritual souls 
can mate, but they cannot marry. 
Only humans can marry, composed 
as they are of a body and a spiritual 
soul—only a man and a woman cre-
ated to complement each other ana-
tomically, psychologically, emotion-
ally, and spiritually as perfectly as 
we have seen. Romantic love draws a 
man and woman together. This is 
the beautiful thing that is not at all 
overdrawn by Disney in Cinderella 
and Snow White. But this romantic 
love is but a superficial thing cloak-
ing the deep force—human sexual 
instinct—the intense desire of each 
to give and receive completion of 
their natures. A man and a woman 
are united in marriage by a specific, 
deep, beautiful, powerful, lasting 
spiritual force—married love. Be-
cause of it at last they are two in one 
flesh. Because of it now their emo-
tional natures blend all their respon-
sive chords, and two hearts beat and 
sing as one, and now their thoughts 
are one, even to sharing the common 
dream. Because of it, one soul sees 
beyond all the superficial imperfec-
tions of another and grasps there the 
nearest thing to the image of God it 

64 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



has found on earth, something more 
appealing to it than anything else in 
all creation, and loves it. All happi-
ness in marriage rests on that spirit-
ual foundation. This is it! The res of 
marriage. The sine qua nort. 

Without Love . . . 

When a marriage lacks this love a 
man and a woman find living to-
gether impossible though they pos-
sess all the material things of life. 
Flying from each other in the divorce 
court, they charge mental cruelty, 
and some are chagrined when they 
are granted freedom on such trivial 
grounds. But in charging mental 
cruelty they are saying in legal 
terms, "We two could not live to-
gether without love. Joined in mar-
riage, our souls cried for love. But it 
was not there and living together 
without it was intolerable, literally a 
cruel thing." After God Himself, 
this love of man and woman has in-
spired the most beautiful songs of 
our poets, the purest work of our 
artists, the most sublime music of 
our composers. Love, far from being 
blind, is light. A man buffeted by 
the cares of his day, comes home to 
his love, who knows that he should 
have had that raise, who knows the 
boss was wrong. And she is right. 
She as no one else except God, she 
who knows him through the eyes of 
love, knows the true worth of that 
man. And he, as no one else on 
earth, knows how truly lovable she 
is. Love, then, is truth as well as 
light. 

Eternal Triangle, 
Man, Woman, G o d 

The moth blindly, impulsively, 
throws itself in the flame. In the 
marriage act itself, a man and a 
woman by an act of intellect and 
will, in a bond of the spiritual, pure 
thing that is conjugal love, fully 
complete their human natures. Spir-
itually they reach the zenith of crea-
tive expression and fittingly so, for 
God willing it, an immortal soul can 
come into being through this love. 
That is marriage. That is scientific 
marriage. That is true marriage be-
cause it gives man's spirituality its 
full recognition. Only in such a mar-
riage can a man and woman develop 
the greatest perfection of their be-
ings and attain full happiness. That 
is Catholic marriage when its nature 
is fully understood and all its poten-
tialities are fully realized. 

Recall that at the start I said that 
in preparing this talk I prayed that 
the Holy Spirit would touch my mind 
so that I would accomplish the per-
fection demanded for this occasion. 
And in our invocation I asked that 
the Holy Spirit touch my mind and 
my lips; and your ears and your 
minds that you rightly interpret what 
I said. If He has, you understand that 
moral truth and scientific truth are 
mirror images. If He has, I know 
that now you must share my faith 
and reasoned belief in the inherent 
righteousness, the essential goodness, 
and the sublime beauty of Catholic 
marriage and its perfect adaptation 
to the true and full nature of man 

GETTING THE CROWN 65 



and woman. If you do share that 
faith, then we have our benediction. 

QUESTION PERIOD 
Father Clark: Ladies and Gentlemen, 
while I am sorting the questions into 
categories, Doctor will discuss some 

topics that were part of his original 
script but were omitted to meet our 
time limit. 

Doctor: What essential place do chil-
dren hold in marriage? Children give 
a man and a woman a new dignity, 

S E X — P E R S O N A L I T Y — S O C I E T Y 

A N D THE FULL REALIZATION OF H U M A N NATURE 

66 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



that of fatherhood and motherhood. 
They change the marriage community 
into the family community, the basic 
unit of society. The diagram shows 
how humans live ideally in society 
with marriage and the family the 
main supporting unit. It also shows 
the important relationship of sexual-
ity to personality. 

A world community of givers and 
sharers. God Who is Love is its cen-
ter and that Love radiates through 
the world. Its heart is a community 
of incomplete human personalities, 
(using "personality" in the sense of 
modern psychology, not metaphy-
sics), the family unit sharing diver-
sified potentialities helping each 
other to reach perfection and full 
happiness. Man and woman's con-
ception of, and relationship with, 
God, their conception of, and valua-
tion of each other and of children, 
will be a dominant factor in deter-
mining their personalities. The total 
personality of the family unit will 
largely form the character of a so-
ciety, and, in its widest scope, of a 
civilization. To a lesser degree the 
members of society immediately 
about us share in the interplay. Fur-
ther out the human personality cre-
ates art, music, and literature, and 
these in return act on countless other 
personalities. At the boundary is the 
earth, the extended body of man, be-
cause men leave the stamp of their 
personality on the lands they inhabit 
and the land in turn, be it cultured 
or primitive, leaves its mark on the 
human personalities that touch it. 

The antithesis of all this is the ma-
terialistic conception of things. Hate 
the center—society a community of 
exploiters and grabbers in conflict 
for survival—the whole thing is a 
rat race. 

Precious 
Then I want to stress the impor-

tance of children in marriage and 
point out the specific place that chil-
dren hold in marriage. Almost every 
day a woman in my office for the 
treatment of sterility will say, "Doc-
tor, no one on earth wants a child as 
much as I do." It is tragic that we 
humans lacking genius, have to learn 
through want or loss the real value 
of so many things in life we take for 
granted. How precious is a new-born 
infant? This p rec ious : when a 
mother loses her newborn infant, a 
doctor is faced with a distressingly 
difficult task in breaking the news to 
her. There is no consoling her. Her 
whole being has been craving and 
expecting a child for nine months, 
and the void that is left when the 
infant does not survive can never be 
filled by consolation—words too are 
empty. Time alone and merciful for-
getfulness can cover the void, but it 
is never filled in a mother's lifetime. 
That is how precious an infant is. 

How precious is a child? This pre-
cious. And I have seen this at one of 
our local hospitals as a student intern 
there—I have often seen hysterical, 
grief-stricken parents just told that 
their child has died, run madly about 
banging their heads against the walls 
and floor. That is how precious a 

GETTING THE CROWN 67 



child is. When you hold out your 
arms on returning home and into 
them runs a smiling, happy child 
who loves you, you hold a precious 
gift you would not exchange for all 
the world's riches. Children come as 
the natural fruit of conjugal love as 
we have seen, but always as a gift. 
They are an ever-present miracle to 
remind us of God—His power, His 
goodness, His wisdom, His love. 
Thus do they help a mother and 
father to live in the presence of God. 
A marriage cannot reach its full po-
tentialities without children. They are 
the givers. They come to us from 
God loaded down with gifts—none 
more precious than their deep inborn 
love for their parents. If we have not 
learned to love at this late stage of 
our development, here is our last 
chance to learn. Then they are brim-
ful, yes, overflowing with happiness. 
They have not yet learned our mil-
lion and one ways of destroying it. 
So they are ever-present reminders 
that we too—were meant to be happy 
—always. That is the importance of 
children in marriage. They may at 
times call for sacrifice, but what pre-
cious thing in life does not? 

Speaking to a group of Scholastic 
Philosophers, I would like to say 
that the existence of the two sexes 
metaphysically, that is essentially, 
so different yet complementing 
each other in innumerable, specific, 
and complicated details, is a most 
effective argument for the existence 
of a Supreme Intelligence, the Per-
sonal God, the Love that forms the 

foundation of the philosophy of 
marriage. But the existence of the 
two sexes, essentially so different, yet 
so complementary, is an even more 
effective argument against the atheis-
tic conception of the evolution of 
mankind. For granting for the sake 
of argument, that there was a primor-
dial life force from which man and 
woman evolved, then we have this 
analogy to contend with:—Here is a 
handful of metal particles, and by 
chance an object shaped as a key 
evolves. By chance. Incredible! And 
in another place a second handful of 
metal particles, and by chance an ob-
ject—a lock—evolves. Also by 
chance. A million, million times 
more incredible! But, mirabile dictu, 
the key that evolved by chance, by 
chance fits the lock that evolved by 
chance and that is infinitely incredi-
ble. And not by chance! 

Rh Factor 
Question: There are several questions 
asking you to explain the Rh Factor? 
Doctor: In 1940 in an attempt to 
explain a disproportionate occurrence 
of transfusion reactions among newly 
delivered mothers, it was found that 
eighty-seven percent of humans had 
an antigen producing substance in 
their blood similar to one isolated 
from the blood of Rhesus monkeys. 
It was termed therefore the Rh Fac-
tor. Since then in preparing for trans-
fusion, donors' and recipients' bloods 
are studied for Rh compatibility as 
well as for the four blood groups 
previously known. That is the main 

68 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



significance of the Rh Factor. It was 
soon discovered that in some preg-
nancies a mother without the Rh fac-
tor (termed Rh Negative), develop-
ing a child with the Rh factor 
(termed Rh Positive), formed anti-
bodies against the developing infant's 
blood that destroyed it to a lesser or 
greater degree. Fortunately this rarely 
occurs because the mother's and in-
fant's bloods normally do not mix 
freely across the barrier of the pla-
centa or after-birth. Unfortunately, 
prior to 1940 many women were 
transfused without regard for the un-
known Rh factor and did have the 
incompatible bloods directly mixed, 
with a resultant high antibody reac-
tion. When these women conceived, 
severe damage to the baby usually 
occurred. Such instances were fre-
quent in the early 1940's and soon 
made the public conscious of the Rh 
factor. For ten years now transfusion 
mistakes have been eliminated, and 
so have most of the severe Rh sensi-
tivities. The lesser ones are now al-
most all completely cured by recog-
nizing the condition in the infant at 
birth, and doing an exchange trans-
fusion which removes virtually all the 
sensitized blood from the newborn 
baby and replaces it with normal 
blood or simply giving the infant re-
peated small transfusions. 

Of all things the Rh factor is not 
a pre-marital problem. An Rh Nega-
tive woman marrying an Rh Positive 
man, unless she has been transfused 
with incompatible Rh blood, has but 
a negligible chance of ever having 

a damaged infant on these grounds. 
Besides there are other blood incom-
patibilities that can occur with the 
Rh factors matching, and we could 
not begin to worry about all of them. 
The thing to remember is that we 
have an answer to all of them in the 
new technics used on the newborn 
infant in the instances where damage 
has occurred. 

Question: So far as I know I am a 
perfectly healthy, normal girl. How 
would I find out that I could not 
perform the sex act and have chil-
dren? 

Doctor: There are two questions 
there. To answer the first, if a woman 
could not perform the sex act there 
would be external genital malforma-
tion that would preclude menstrua-
tion. Certainly a woman would have 
such a severe functional abnormality 
investigated before marriage. Even 
then surgery could correct matters. 
Answering the second part of the 
question, there is no way of deter-
mining fertility before marriage, 
granting the presence of the internal 
genital organs. If they were absent 
there would be no menstruation. If 
the organs are present no matter how 
poor their development and function 
may be, it would always be possible 
to bear children, especially with mod-
ern diagnostic and therapeutic aids 
to fertility. 

See a Doctor? 
Question: Would you recommend a 
physical examination before mar-
riage? 

GETTING THE CROWN 69 



Doctor: Yes, I would, but I think we 
are still a long way from getting the 
average couple to acquiesce. In this 
state and in many others, it is neces-
sary that each party to a marriage see 
a physician and get a certificate that 
says the person is free of venereal 
disease and tuberculosis. This exam-
ination is usually limited to these de-
tails. If there is a serious defect of 
development or function in either 
person, there would certainly be con-
sciousness of it, and in these special 
instances any in t e l l i gen t person 
would seek a complete examination 
before marriage. But at present the 
average couple does not think such a 
complete examination necessary as a 
routine thing, and I think that is a 
reasonable attitude. We do need con-
ferences such as this to give couples 
a broad outline of the personal side 
of marriage to prevent the few seri-
ous mistakes that could lead to an 
annulment. The interest in lecture 
courses such as this confirms their 
need. For knowledge of the intimate 
side of married life, it is wise to take 
a book on sex and marriage on one's 
wedding trip. Then after a reason-
able period of adjustment after re-
turning home, in the very rare in-
stance where all has not gone as 
smoothly as expected, the couple 
should consult a physician. This I 
find they do. Also I have found they 
have always handled their problem 
to this point with commendable un-
derstanding and taken it in stride. 

Question: If pregnancy has not oc-

curred after a year of marriage 
should a couple consult a physician? 

Doctor: Yes, because a great majority 
of women conceive within three 
months and have a child by the end 
of their first year of marriage. A year 
of infertility almost certainly means 
there is some organic or functional 
disturbance in one or both parties. 
Recognizing that God helps those 
who help themselves, the couple had 
better consult a physician as well as 
start the Novena to St. Jude. If a 
woman marries in her late thirties, 
when there is a natural lowering of 
fertility, she and her husband should 
have a sterility examination after as 
little as six months, lest their last 
chance at parenthood be lost through 
unjustified expectancy. And again, 
when a woman whose menstrual 
function has been subnormal before 
marriage, finds it worse after and 
also notes a rapid gain in weight, she 
should consult a physician before her 
endocrine failure reaches the irrever-
sible stage. Somehow, undertaking 
married sex life can precipitate such 
a failure in a woman whose men-
strual function to this point has been 
considerably subnormal, while it may 
act as a stimulus to normalcy in the 
woman whose function previously 
has been slightly subnormal. 

Feminine Modesty and 
Sex Education 

Question: Isn't it common for a 
woman, perhaps through a. misdi-
rected sense of modesty, to feel a 

70 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



sense of shame about sexual activity 
that might prove a barrier to sexual 
compatibility? How does one over-
come such a feeling and how does 
one prevent one's daughter from de-
veloping it in the future? 

Doctor: Whoever asked that one is in 
no hurry to go home. The questioner 
implies that woman bears the onus 
in sexual incompatibilities, and that 
is true because sex has a closer psy-
chologic tie in woman as we have 
seen. Male impotence is rare by com-
parison. It is estimated that in fifty 
percent of all marriages the woman 
does not attain the specific emotional 
climax of the marriage act. As a rule 
frigidity, as this is called, is an ab-
sence of pleasure. In some instances 
there may be fear or a feeling of re-
pulsiveness. It may be but one facet 
of a completely neurotic personality 
pattern, or equally it may be an iso-
lated psychologic defect. We are con-
cerned only with the latter problem. 

The cause lies in a lack of sex edu-
cation or what is worse, unwise, mis-
guided sex education. There are three 
phases of sex education, childhood, 
adolescence and pre-marital. Lecture 
courses such as this are adequately 
taking care of the last phase, prepara-
tion for marriage. But adequate, in-
telligent education in the other two 
periods is largely neglected. To an-
swer the questioner: yes, a misguided 
sense of modesty, and a misguided 
sense of shame, can give rise to sex-
ual incompatibility. To answer the 
second part, a cure is sometimes ef-
fected by uncovering the psychologic 

trauma, that is, the causative factor 
and eradicating it through rationali-
zation or some other psychologic 
technic. But if ever an ounce of pre-
vention were worth a pound of cure, 
it is in a crippling neurosis such as 
this, and that leads us to the third 
part of this question—how does one 
prevent a daughter from developing 
such a condition? The answer is by 
adequate intelligent sex education in 
childhood and adolescence. 

The questioner has mentioned a 
misguided sense of modesty and a 
misguided sense of shame. Both hap-
pen to be pivotal points in sex educa-
tion. First, let us agree that modesty 
means the avoidance of indecency, 
anything in act, manner, or ornamen-
tation that may be an occasion of sin 
to oneself or to another. Modern 
child psychologists urge that we put 
Nancy, aged four, out in the yard in 
the nude for her sun bath. Not yet 
being conscious of sexuality, this may 
not harm Nancy, but it may be an 
occasion of sin for the fifteen-year-
old boy on the other side of the fence 
who has reached consciousness of sex 
and has begun to wrestle with con-
cupiscence. Better to teach Nancy 
that there are special parts of her 
body and special functions that are 
good because God created them, yet 
so precious, so much her very own, 
so secret, that they are to be shared 
with no one. 

Just about the age when modesty 
especially with regard to nudity and 
the matter of biologic functions be-
come a problem, a child is ready to 

GETTING THE CROWN 71 



appreciate the idea of a secret, and 
the natural pleasure the child experi-
ences in keeping a secret, can be uti-
lized here. For essentially, sex or 
better one's sexuality, is one's deep-
est, innermost secret self—soul deep. 
A man and a woman joined in mar-
riage do not probe the full depth of 
that secret in a lifetime. In this way 
sex is a constant vitalizing force in 
marriage. Modesty is misdirected 
when it is linked with fear, which is 
never natural to it. Fear unfortunately 
is natural to a sense of shame, a sec-
ond important factor in sex educa-
tion. So it is a more fertile soil for 
sex maladjustments and neuroses. By 
definition a sense of shame signifies 
one's consciousness of concupiscence 
and a concomitant fear of one's abil-
ity to control it. It does not mean the 
fear of appearing ludicrous. A sense 
of shame enters life at a later period 
than modesty, at puberty and early 
adolescence. The problem here is as 
personal as sex itself, intimate, more 
subtle, closer to the soul and the sub-
conscious than modesty, which by 
comparison is superficial. 

Parents can help here only so far 
as they can bring the child to this 
period armed with self-discipline and 
inculcated with every possible virtue. 
The priest as confessor will best be 
able to help a boy or girl through 
this most dangerous period of change, 
when the adolescent first comes to 
grips with sexuality and masters it 
through chastity, which signifies the 
use of sex according to right reason 
as a positive force in life. If he does 

not master it he becomes a victim of 
sexuality, on the one hand, sensual; 
on the other, fearful of it, confused, 
scrupulous and neurotic; in either 
case later to be a misfit in marriage. 
Other basic principles of sex educa-
tion are: supply sex knowledge, hon-
estly, intelligently, and wisely as it 
is sought, recognizing that one child 
may inquire about a fact at eight that 
will not trouble the mind of her sis-
ter at the age of fifteen. 

Sex knowledge then has to be in-
dividualized. That is why it cannot 
be given by a teacher to a group of 
children. Then teach a child to love 
—that is, to be sensitive to the good-
ness that he receives from all sides— 
parents, brothers and sisters, God 
Himself. A child who loves deeply 
later on will love deeply in marriage. 
And a last principle—never should 
a mother tell her daughter frighten-
ing details of childbirth. Believe it or 
not, this is commonly done. As I see 
it, that is how sex education can pre-
vent sexual incompatibilities in mar-
riage. Prevention, as has been said, is 
far better than cure. Parent, priest, 
and physician then, more or less suc-
cessively, assume the burden of sex 
education. 

Maladjustments 

Question: Is it true that sexual mal-
adjustments in early marriage cause 
emotional and mental disturbances 
during the menopause? 

Doctor: There could be a cause and 
effect relationship between the two 

72 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



if a woman first acted as a neurotic 
as a result of a specific serious sexual 
maladjustment in marriage. More 
frequently, the sexual maladjustment 
itself would be the result of the 
earlier development of a totally neu-
rotic personality, so both would stem 
from the same root cause, going back 
to childhood or adolescence. The 
menopause is an excellent illustration 
of a psychosomatic syndrome. The 
organic cause is the same in all 
women; the ovaries slowly cease to 
function and several other glands are 
thrown out of balance. The somatic 
component may result in localized 
obesity if anything; the psychical 
component may range from a slight 
change in temperament all the way to 
a severe psychoneurosis. 

I have often asked myself what is 
the reason for the climacteric syn-
drome of the menopause. God could 
have had women uneventfully cease 
menstruating in the forties. A possi-
ble explanation is this: the spiritual 
woman who has long since learned 
to be tolerant of suffering takes these 
years in stride without complaining, 
seeking help in prayer when things 
really get rough and moves on to the 
quieter but spiritually richer years 
¿lead. Her sister who has never ade-
quately developed the essential quali-
ties of womanhood that we spoke of 
earlier in our discussion on psychol-
ogy, would seem to have in the cli-
macteric her last chance to adjust to 
a serious physical and emotional 
stress through strength of spirit in 
keeping with God's design of her 

nature. Then the climacteric is met 
with the faith, hope, patience, and 
courage that a woman of this age 
easily finds in her rich spiritual re-
serves, and a greater woman emerges. 
The alternative is to fall back solely 
on ovarian injections and sedatives, 
and the weaker for another failure to 
await the next crisis, perhaps an 
anxiety-neurosis centered about can-
cerphobia in the fifties. 

Modern Motherhood 
Question: Were women of twenty or 
thirty years ago better able to bear 
and nurse children than the mothers 
of today? 

Doctor: At least ten times as many 
women of the last generation died in 
pregnancy and childbirth as do in 
this, and the first year loss of new-
borns was much greater too. Scien-
tific advances and woman's universal 
acceptance of prenatal care are most 
responsible for the improvement it is 
true; but I believe that because of 
better nutrition and medical super-
vision during the growing years the 
modern young mother actually is 
much better fitted physically for 
childbearing. Because of the factors 
previously detailed that helped shape 
modern thought on sex and marriage, 
I'm afraid that many young women 
today are not as well fitted psycho-
logically for childbirth or mother-
hood as were their mothers. Today 
there are too many married women, 
usually with college degrees, con-
fessing that they just cannot stand 
housekeeping and that children make 

GETTING THE CROWN 73 



them so nervous that they could sim-
ply fly. And many, many more of 
their marriages end in total failure— 
divorce. 

Now the second part of the ques-
tion. The problem of breast feeding 
an infant is important in a marriage 
preparation course, because quite sur-
prisingly in it lies the possible cause 
of a big problem in marriage today, 
that of naturally spacing childbirth. 
A recent study showed that sixty-two 
percent of mothers leaving American 
hospitals were not nursing their new-
born infants. Just the other day I was 
talking to a War bride from rural 
France, an expectant mother, and I 
asked her what the situation was over 
there. She said that she was the 
youngest of ten children. Her mother 
nursed them all for a long time. The 
children were spaced two years apart, 
except for herself and her older sister 
who were three years apart. That is 
the way families were raised a gen-
eration ago in America too. Mothers 
nursed up to a year and children 
were spaced by nature, because as we 
said before when a woman success-
fully nurses, she does not ovulate, 
does not menstruate, and cannot con-
ceive. I was surprised that this young 
woman said that the great majority 
of present-day French mothers do not 
nurse their infants either. Because of 
this new custom, we have this un-
natural state of affairs; a woman de-
livered in January can have her 
menses return in March and be preg-
nant again in April. Now this rarely 
happens, but every mother worries 

that she may be the exception, and 
so we have a new medical and socio-
logical problem. The problem of se-
curing for our mothers who do not 
nurse the breathing-space between 
pregnancies that nature meant her to 
have. 

Now you say it is too bad about 
them—it is their own fault that they 
do not nurse. But that is not true. 
The great majority of mothers who 
do not nurse are confronted with 
valid medical, obstetrical, pediatric, 
psychiatric, or sociologic contra-indi-
cations. A small minority, it is true, 
magnify a weak contra-indication 
into an excuse. A larger minority, 
thirty-eight percent, to be exact, do 
nurse but few find their milk supply 
lasting longer than days or weeks. 
All told, about eighty percent are not 
nursing at six weeks because it was 
impossible to start, or impossible to 
continue. Many believe the human 
breast is unable to sustain a baby as 
it did in primitive times. There is an 
analogy in nature—the Eastern cow 
bred for milk production feeds a na-
tion; the Western cow bred for beef 
production, produces barely enough 
milk to give its calf minimal suste-
nance. Without selective breeding, it 
is possible that the human female has 
developed into a poor milk producer. 
Various organs have failed to func-
tion entirely as man has progressed 
—the appendix and the pineal gland 
are examples. What their primitive 
function was, we have no idea. But 
all this is speculation. For all we 
know the human female breast was 

74 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



never better at sustaining the new-
born than it is today. It would seem 
that by modern standards of infant 
nutrition, except in very rare in-
stances, the breast is not an adequate 
source of sustenance for an infant af-
ter a few days or weeks. Then we 
have to supplement its feeble efforts. 
Then a nursing mother has the im-
possible task of nursing and prepar-
ing a formula too, and that is the end 
of breast feeding and the end of her 
natural infertility. 

In America we are super-feeding 
growing cattle, chickens, and pigs 
with balanced scientific stock foods 
instead of nature's natural grasses 
and seed, and getting bigger and 
heavier cattle, chickens, and pigs to 
market. We are also super-feeding 
the most important growing things 
on earth, the infant and child, and 
getting bigger (by an inch) and 
heavier (by ten to fifteen pounds) 
boys and girls into college. 

That is why women are not nurs-
ing. By modern infant nutrition 
standards they cannot. Large numbers 
of women are never going to nurse 
for as much as six to twelve months 
again. The pendulum will swing 
back to more women doing token 
breast-feeding for three to six weeks 
to obtain psychological benefits for 
themselves and their infant, and to 
pass over immune bodies to the in-
fant's advantage. But from six weeks 
on, eighty percent of mothers will 
continue to give their infants the 
benefit of modern artificial super-
feeding. A lucky ten will be able to 

nurse for about a year and provide 
very adequate nutrition for their in-
fant, and secure natural infertility of 
themselves. It is the eighty percent 
who present a problem, medical and 
sociological, and it would appear that 
we will have to find a solution for 
them in our newer knowledge of in-
fertility inherent in the normal men-
strual cycle. Father Clark, as an in-
terested sociologist and moralist, 
what have you to say? 

Get Back to Nature 
Father Clark: Well, I believe the 
practical solution of that problem is 
for individuals to consult their doc-
tors. It looks as if I am throwing the 
problem back in the doctor's lap, but 
that isn't my intention. My point is 
this: the matter should be a part of 
prenatal care. As the end of preg-
nancy approaches, the mother should 
discuss the question of breast feeding 
with her doctor, asking if she is ca-
pable of breast feeding, and, if capa-
ble, should she do it. Psychologically, 
sociologically, medically, it is the nat-
ural and normal thing and the closer 
we get to nature in these things, the 
better it would be. Now if it hap-
pens that the modern Twentieth-
Century woman is incapable of ac-
cepting what we used to take forty or 
fifty years ago as the normal, then we 
have to provide a substitute. There is 
one little practical thing: those who 
bottle-feed their babies should not 
just put the baby and the bottle in 
the crib and say, "See you later, 
Butch!" Hold the baby! Give it some 

GETTING THE CROWN 75 



of the security it has a right to have. 
A baby needs to be cuddled and 
nestled. The substitute for breast 
feeding I think should approach the 
natural act as nearly as possible. 

Doctor: Yes, that's a good point to 
stress. Let me make it clear that 
women of this generation are as ca-
pable of nursing as were their moth-
ers of forty or fifty years ago, but to 
meet raised standards of infant nutri-
tion, it is now usually necessary to 
supplement breast feeding with arti-
ficial formulae and foods. And con-
sider this: As long ago as 1800 the 
birth rate in New England is esti-
mated to have been fifty-five. In the 
depression it was fourteen. During 
the past War birth boom it reached 
about twenty-two. Breast feeding was 
the rule in 1800. So where does that 
leave the moralist who holds that 
there would be natural child spacing 
and one less moral problem in mar-
riage if women would do the nat-
ural thing, their duty no less, and 
breast feed their infants? Still, for 
all we know, one hundred and fifty 
years is but a minute in the history of 
mankind. How did breast feeding 
space childbirth in primitive times? 
What was the Creator's intention in 
the matter? These are interesting 
points for discussion. 

Question: Would it be possible for a 
mother who wanted to nurse, to 
bring herself to the point where it 
would be possible through diet and 
medication ? 

Doctor: Well, a good diet, vitamin 
supplements, and other measures may 
help, but insignificantly. Actually 
they are used routinely today, pre-
natally. Their lack is more definitely 
a deterent to nursing, the body being 
quicker to conserve its depleted re-
sources and weaken the milk output 
than it is to enhance it when its re-
sources are intentionally enriched. 
Any future hope to improve women's 
efforts at breast feeding will lie in 
some new endocrine substance. The 
first one, Prolactin, isolated years ago, 
did not fulfill its promise and with 
the newer formula feedings working 
out so well, I doubt that there will be 
much incentive for research along 
those lines in the future. 

Fertility 

Question: Does working affect ad-
versely the fertility of a woman? If 
so, to what extent? Is the cause a 
psychological one? 

Doctor: Many scientific facts take 
their origin in impressions. There is 
the impression that excessive mental 
strain adversely affects male fertility. 
A recent report indicated that ninety 
percent of the children delivered by 
wives of a large group of college 
professors were conceived during va-
cation months. That strengthens the 
impression. There is an impression 
that infertile women frequently con-
ceive soon after adopting a child. A 
carefully done study recently com-
pleted refuted this. To my knowledge 
the idea that working decreases fer-

76 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



tility in the married woman, perhaps 
along psychological lines, has not yet 
reached the impression stage. Con-
ceivably, (no pun intended), the 
strain of working might be the last 
straw to tip the scales towards steril-
ity in a woman with many obvious 
signs of subnormal development and 
function. I am certain that it is much 
more important to correct one of 
these real defects as a help to fertility. 

Question: How long after ovulation 
is an ovum capable of being ferti-
lized? 

Doctor: On the outside, forty-eight 
hours. Some believe that the ovum, 
which is undergoing the reduction 
division preparatory to fertilization 
as it escapes from the ovary, has to 
unite with the sperm within a matter 
of minutes; the sperm would have to 
be there waiting which you will re-
member, it can do for as long as five 
days. 

Question: How long after the birth 
of a child should a couple practice 
continence? 

Doctor: Normally, complete involu-
tion takes up to six weeks. Complica-
tions may prolong the period. Con-
tinence should be practiced until the 
woman physically and psychologically 
feels like herself again. This would 
seem to require that the menses be 
reestablished, which without nursing 
occurs eight to twelve weeks after 
delivery. Then if she is going to 
watch her fertility periods, continence 

GETTING THE CROWN 

would be necessary for as long as 
four or five months. 

A Baby Each Year 
Question: Can a Catholic couple live 
as good Catholics and not have a 
child every year? 

Doctor: I have indicated that conti-
nence in one form or another is part 
of the answer. But the continence 
factor is but a minor part of the 
answer. 

The problem presented must trou-
ble the minds of many Catholic cou-
ples, so it is important and I will an-
swer it in detail, objectively, and 
with carefully placed emphasis. To 
begin with, there is no medical con-
tra-indication to having babies close 
together. A recent study proved this, 
completely refuting birth control 
propaganda to the contrary that had 
been widely and intensely dissemi-
nated for many years. The best ally 
of safe childbirth is youthfulness, 
and by spacing children at unnatur-
ally wide intervals large numbers of 
women will pass up the chance to 
have children when all the compli-
cations of childbirth are at a mini-
mum. 

On the other hand, nothing, except 
sin itself, causes as much unhappiness 
in the world as does chronic fatigue, 
chronic ill health, and monotony. 
Life is then a dull thing and living, 
a tread mill. Unreasonably frequent 
pregnancies can be the direct cause 
of this. Of course a husband who 
subjects his wife to such a life is in 

77 



no sense following the desires of the 
Catholic Church, as is so often al-
leged. 

Having balanced these considera-
tions, can we with any authority de-
termine the ideal interval between 
conceptions? No, we cannot. One 
survey conducted by physicians 
showed that the majority of women 
questioned thought two years the 
ideal interval between the birth of 
one child and the conception of the 
next. I would be inclined to make it 
one year. Not longer than this be-
cause most couples first have two 
children of the same sex before they 
have one of the opposite sex. It 
would seem advantageous that the 
brothers or sisters be close enough 
in age to share the same interests 
throughout childhood and adoles-
cence. The interval should be no less 
than a year because the majority of 
women are sick to some extent in the 
early months of pregnancy, and for 
the nine months almost all are defi-
nitely below par mentally and physi-
cally. So to give an infant the care it 
needs and deserves during its very 
important first year, it would seem 
ideal that the mother be in the best 
possible health so that she will have 
the energy and vitality to manage 
successfully this trying, difficult phase 
of her child's development and 
growth. This norm would not apply 
to the exceptional woman who actu-
ally feels better throughout preg-
nancy, nor to her sister, at the other 
extreme, who is so severely weak-
ened by pregnancy and childbirth, 

that she still has not regained vigor-
ous health a year later. Clearly then, 
while a year may be the ideal, there 
is need for individualizing this phase 
of the problem. 

Economic Factor 
Moving on, family economics en-

ters into the problem too. Here it is 
wise for a couple to let their spiritual 
adviser share in the decision that they 
cannot afford another child at the 
moment. Otherwise there is danger 
that selfishness will creep in here, 
human nature being what it is. Re-
member that a sound mind and body, 
and then training in character, are the 
greatest assets you can give a child. 
Too many Americans think it better 
to give a child or two everything 
rather than have a number of chil-
dren and not be able to provide them 
with every material advantage. Mean-
ing well, nonetheless they usually 
succeed in giving the child every-
thing but happiness. It is the spiritual 
resources that matter. A child needs 
parents' love, devotion, and care. It 
is the psychological resources that 
matter. A child needs brothers and 
sisters to live with, play with, and to 
share with, to become a well adjusted 
happy social being. Money can pur-
chase none of these vital assets. 

Continence 
Then let us face the issue of con-

tinence. This may be total, subtotal, 
or periodic. For the majority of 
young couples at the peak of fertility, 
there may be need at times of sub-

78 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



total continence. The minority, the 
relatively infertile group, can success-
fully practice periodic continence, or 
what is usually thought of as rhythm. 
Paradoxically, they are just the ones 
that shouldn't, because they will have 
difficulty having children in family 
proportions anyway. A doctor should 
point this out to couples in this cate-
gory. But whatever the degree, when 
continence is practiced, an artificial 
element enters into marital life. 

When resorting to continence a 
couple therefore needs the guidance 
of their spiritual advisor. Obviously 
then, this element of continence fur-
ther complicates rather than solves 
the problem. The real solution to the 
problem embraces the whole philoso-
phy of Catholic marriage. First, 
when you marry, do so with the hope 
of having a family, not "children" 
which in Twentieth-Century Amer-
ica means "two" if they are of dif-
ferent sex, and an absolute limit of 
three, no matter what. Remember, 
children are precious. They, not we, 
are the givers in family life. Marriage 
cannot reach its full potentialities 
without them. They are among God's 
greatest gift to man and woman on 
earth. I have often asked a mother if 
she would take a million dollars for 
her baby. No one has ever said "yes." 
You could buy that woman's house, 
car, or anything else she possesses 
but not her baby. So remember that 
each one is worth a million dollars, 
and how to avoid a million dollars a 
year is a very pleasant problem to 
contend with, life being what it is. 

Some of the crusading birth control-
lers never had a child, none of them 
ever had a family. They wrote such 
books as "I Hate Children"—only 
God and the psychiatrists know why. 

Life Together 
Then remember, marriage is a nat-

ural thing, so not difficult, not a 
problem, unless we distort its nature 
and make it one. We must concen-
trate on living a full married life in 
the Catholic tradition as detailed in 
this lecture series. Marriage is not 
just the right to sex life. Nor is it 
this, plus having children. It is all 
of life shared together: the dreams, 
the disappointments, the joys, the 
sorrows, the trials, the triumphs, the 
risks, the losses and the gains. It is 
the art, the music, the good books, 
the sports, the dances, all the good 
times enjoyed together. It is a life-
time of happiness shared together. 
Its soul is love, its heart is a family 
of children, and what is not well 
enough understood, its life blood is 
sacrifice. Sacrifice and love mentioned 
in the same breath? Yes. They are 
natural to each other and inseparable. 
For really to become a part of any-
thing, and to have that thing become 
a part of us, to know it intimately so 
we can love it, we must sacrifice a 
part of ourselves for it. That is neces-
sary in the world of inanimate things 
—this piece of land long dreamed 
about, one day discovered, after great 
sacrifice of toil and time, is cleared, 
cultivated, and fenced to at last be-
come something again, something 

GETTING THE CROWN 79 



precious—our land. So also by sacri-
fice does this house become our 
home. And sacrifice is even more 
essential in the world of vital things 
in which the vocation of marriage 
holds such a prominent place. 

The Soul of Love 

Life together in marriage is a suc-
cession of acts of sacrifice. Conti-
nence on occasion is just one small 
manifestation of this. When you 
practice it, you must put something 
else into your marriage in place of 
the sex act—you enjoy a book to-
gether or an evening of dancing, and 
in this way the sex urge can be sup-
pressed. Or far better, sublimate this 
urge to unite and create by creating 
something else together at this time, 
for instance the dreamed of game 
room in the cellar or it can be as sim-
ple a thing as a young wife typing 
her student-husband's theme. Mark 
this well now, for creative activity in 
essence is physically relaxing and 
spiritually stimulating. Sacrifice is the 
principle instrument that accom-
plishes this sublimation, which en-
ables continence to become a positive 
force for happiness in marriage. In 
this way your cup of happiness is 
just as full to the brim. Not faced, 
repressed, it becomes a source of ten-
sion, irritability and a fertile soil for 
neuroses. 

We are apt to recoil at the men-
tion of the word sacrifice; the imme-
diate implication is something diffi-
cult, something hard, a cross. We 
would like to skip that. But in mar-

riage it is neither hard nor difficult. 
Rather it is the eternal source of 
happiness. A woman cheerfully do-
ing her task as a mother, a man 
happily doing his day's work, both 
express their love of God, though in 
a different way than the Trappist 
Monk working in his monastery 
fields. God does not ask the Trap-
pist's love of all of us. Nor does He 
ask that kind of sacrifice of all of us. 
But to live any vocation, and mar-
riage is a vocation, we must give 
something of ourselves to it over and 
over again, for this is the essence of 
sacrifice, no matter what kind or de-
gree. Only by continually giving 
something of ourselves to our mar-
riage, only by sacrifice, does this part-
nership, this bond, this union, be-
come our marriage, our own eternal 
love. That is the only way Catholic 
marriage can be lived. In that way 
you take the problem of child spac-
ing, just one of its millions of prob-
lems and actually an insignificant 
one, in stride, happily. 

Positive Approach 
When all is said now, you will 

note that I have not answered the 
question asked—I have not told you 
how to be a good Catholic and not 
have a child a year, but rather I have 
told you how by being a good Catho-
lic you can reasonably space a family 
of children. Because it is a complex, 
individual problem, this could mean 
the blessing of a child every year or 
at the other extreme, it could mean 
one child in a lifetime as, for ex-

80 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



ample, when pregnancy is compli-
cated by nearly fatal, incurable dis-
ease. The outline for raising a family 
I have detailed has a positive psy-
chology that is in tune with tradi-
tional Catholic marriage and the 
Catholic family, and is free of the 
negative, squeamish, absolute-secur-
ity-first psychology of the birth con-
trollers. The point is that any limita-
tion of children that takes place does 
so per accidens. Family limitation per 
se is not sought. To other than a 
group of scholastic thinkers, that dis-
tinction would seem so superficial as 
to be ridiculous, but I know you can 
appreciate its significance and realize 
how the distinction is also the focal 
point in determining ethical values. 
That is a long answer to an impor-
tant question, but anything other 
than a complete answer would be no 
answer at all. What do you say to all 
this, Father Clark? 

Father Clark: I only wish that I had 
said it. 

Doctor: I have used many Freudian 
terms such as sexual instinct, suppres-
sion, repression, and sublimation; 
none is used in a strict Freudian 
sense, since his whole system of psy-
chology starts with the idea that man 
is but a superior thinking animal, 
soulless, and without a will. By con-
trast, we say man is a son of God, 
His image, a very different animal 
with an intellect to discern the 
greater good and a will to seek it. 
The Freudian sees sexuality as the 
soil in which everything takes root. 

We acknowledge its great impor-
tance as a force in life, but we do 
not see sexuality in every thought 
and act, conscious or unconscious. 
Denying man's spirituality, the Freu-
dians say that sublimation is accom-
plished by instinct alone. We say it 
is accomplished by the spirit's 
power to integrate with itself a lower 
state, instinct. For an analogy: com-
ing across a beautiful flower, the 
Freudian says, "I know you; nothing 
but the earth transformed or sub-
limated." We say that flower has a 
soul—vegetative in this instance— 
something different from and infi-
nitely superior to the earth; it has 
drawn up the earth, transformed it 
and sublimated it if you will, into a 
beautiful thing. So, with spirit and 
instinct and specifically with sexual-
ity. We admit the value of Freudian 
terms and techniques, but find little 
or no agreement with him on mean-
ing. 

What About Rhythm? 
Father Clark: Doctor, most of the 
remaining questions are concerned in 
one way or another with the rhythm 
theory. I realize that this is a much-
misunderstood question, and that it 
is practically impossible to explain 
all its phases to a group as large as 
this. But perhaps you have some per-
tinent remarks concerning it. 

Doctor: Yes. It must be completely 
individualized and it is a time-
consuming problem. In practice, I 
tell the patient that it is such an in-
volved theory that they had best buy 

GETTING THE CROWN 81 



the booklet that is available on the 
subject and, after they have read it, 
call me if there is anything that 
puzzles them. The organic or physical 
component of periodic continence, or 
"rhythm" if you must, has so many 
variable factors that it has to be strict-
ly individualized to be effective. Un-
fortunately an explanatory booklet is 
just about as useful as a home medi-
cal book is in coping with illness. It 
is better than nothing, but that is 
about all. So, much as we would like 
to avoid the nuisance, doctors have to 
help even the most intelligent patient 
to fit the physical facts of the rhythm 
theory to herself. Now even more 
important is it to individualize the 
spiritual component of periodic con-
tinence. Remember that I said that 
it introduces an artificial element into 
marriage at its very essence. It di-
rectly touches the love union and the 
conception of children, the heart and 
soul of a marriage. Further, depend-
ing on the spirit in which it is used, 
it will enrich or impoverish a mar-
riage. It therefore affects marriage in 
its totality. So, obviously it must be 
individualized spiritually, used with 
the guidance and help of one's spir-
itual advisor. That is why the priest 
cannot avoid the nuisance either, 
much as he would like to. 

The large number of questions 
touching on family limitation asked 
at conferences such as this reveal 
how deeply birth control psychology 
has permeated Catholic minds. There 
is a big task ahead for all concerned 
to reorientate Catholic thinking so 

that a family of children will again 
be a goal to be sought, not a burden 
to be avoided. Fortunately, when 
periodic continence or rhythm is un-
avoidable in a Catholic marriage, 
with guidance and effort it can be-
come a positive force for good. That 
is because human nature is a fusion 
of body and spirit and the balance 
between the two is fluid enough so 
that spirit can rise over body to meet 
an abnormal circumstance, and still 
keep the whole being in a state of 
balance and happiness. Is that an 
ideal, impractical, too difficult of at-
tainment, by the majority of Catholic 
couples? That is a problem and not 
for a doctor to decide. 

Marriage by nature is a living so-
cial institution. Catholic marriage has 
remained unchanged since its begin-
ning at its elemental core where prin-
ciples and laws are involved. But out-
side that zone, it is constantly adapt-
ing itself to changes in culture, 
knowledge, and many other things. 
The important thing is that when 
changes are taking place in a social 
structure that they be constructive, 
that they evolve towards perfection; 
otherwise, they may destroy that 
structure. The closer a change touches 
the elemental core, the greater the 
danger is that through misdirection 
it may destroy. Rhythm touches the 
core of marriage as we have said. It 
could conceivably be destructive. To 
my mind, the exact place of rhythm 
in the Great Design of Catholic mar-
riage has not been clearly established. 
While it is a controversial matter, 

82 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



my intention is to leave the problem 
as much as possible in other hands. 

So, that is more than enough about 
rhythm. Any discussion of it except 
along the general lines we have pur-
sued is entirely out of place in a 
marriage preparation course. Basic-
ally, it can be part of the solution to 
some individual marriage problem. 
If you are fortunate, you will never 
have such a problem and never have 
to trouble yourself with its technical 
details. But do remember the prin-
ciples: it is an artificial element that 
affects a marriage in its totality; it 
must be strictly individualized spir-
itually and physically, contrary to the 
prevailing notion, it is something in-
finitely more than freely choosing to 
live Catholic marriage by a calendar 
—and lastly, it is an accessory to 
marriage used when unavoidable to 
space reasonably a family of children 
in the Catholic tradition, not a dodge 
to accomplish birth prevention. 

While it is not my special work to 
speak on the morality of this topic, 
I can say this: Morally, too, it must 
be individualized. For a couple to use 
the rhythm system there must be a 
good and just reason, which reason 
is not a matter of private interpreta-
tion, but must be submitted to the 
judgment of the spiritual adviser. It 
is difficult to see how a couple could 
go on, year after year, practicing 
rhythm to avoid conception without 
committing sin. 

Big Mistake 

Question: In your experience, Doc-

tor, what is the most serious mistake 
made by couples entering marriage? 

Doctor: One thinks immediately of 
the relatively uncommon instances 
where one or, even less commonly, 
both partners are hopelessly unquali-
fied for marriage. Typically, all ef-
forts to prevent such a marriage have 
gone unheeded. 

But another too common mistake 
comes to mind, and that is entering 
marriage intending to postpone con-
ception for a while. I see scores of 
women every year seeking help for 
sterility, who by one means or an-
other attempted birth prevention for 
the first year or two of their mar-
riage. A few have wittingly per-
mitted an organic cause of sterility 
to progress to a point where it is be-
yond correcting. (An example of this 
would be the small fibroid tumor that 
could have been removed soon after 
marriage, sparing the uterus; but be-
cause of increased size, its removal 
two or three years later would re-
quire sacrificing the uterus as well.) 
Such persons have disregarded the 
old adage: "Take your first child 
when it comes." I would change that 
to: "Accept the gift of a family when 
God offers it to you." Seldom in life 
are we given the opportunity to spurn 
a gift and accept it unchanged on 
the same terms later on. And the 
precious gift of a family is no excep-
tion. 

The family—father, mother, and 
a number of children joined by the 
common bond of love with God 

GETTING THE CROWN 83 



Who is Love, as we illustrated earlier 
—is the prime generating force for 
love in this world, and one of its 
few great positive forces for good. 
In a special way, love flows naturally 
from the family as it does from no 
other grouping of humans. See a 
mother with an infant in her arms 
and, presuming she is normal, you 
can say with moral certitude that she 
loves it. Just as certainly you can pre-
dict the existence of love in a family. 
Such is God's design. 

Looking back on our lives, no mat-
ter what our material wealth may be, 
we can all count our real treasure in 
the golden pieces of love we have 
collected along the way. The family 
is the mint of the world's love. 
Whatever you do, don't start mar-
riage intending to pass up the treas-
ure of a family for a while. Accept 
God's gift as soon as it is offered. If 
a few months of married life do not 
bring the promise of this treasure, 
don't wait too long before seeking 
medical help in attaining fertility. I 
would say this course of lectures 
would be worth the combined efforts 
of all concerned if it accomplished 
but one thing—to make the couples 
present aspire to have a family along 
traditional Catholic lines. 

Father Clark, in your role of Soci-
ologist, will you add something here 
on the importance of the family to 
society and to the individual? 

Father Clark: The testimony of clear-
thinking parents, which attests the 
fact that they "have not lived" until 
their first child came, and that each 

succeeding one has brought more 
happiness, is a good starting point. 
Social studies have shown that the 
best adjusted persons in society have 
come from large families. Also that 
happily married persons as a rule 
have come from large families. The 
nation has had to depend on large 
families for her defense forces. Our 
ideal of an expanding economy takes 
for granted large families. These are 
but a few points that could be en-
larged upon to show the importance 
of a more-than-two-child family. 

Mother or Child? 
Question: Here is a last question 
which I am anxious to hear you, an 
obstetrician of wide experience, an-
swer publicly with authority. If a 
situation arose during delivery where 
you had to decide whether to save 
the mother or the baby, what would 
you do? 

Doctor: Such a situation never does 
present itself. Period! In preparing 
the formal talk, I originally men-
tioned that point in discussing preg-
nancy, but my reaction was: "Why 
resurrect that old ghost and keep 
alive a baseless old wives' tale?" So 
in the end I omitted it. A death in 
childbirth today is extremely rare. 
Then there is either unpardonable 
neglect of prenatal care or the cause 
of death remains an enigma even 
after autopsy. Never does the prob-
lem of saving mother or baby even 
remotely enter the mind of a doctor. 
The practice of obstetrics would be a 
nightmarish ordeal if it could. 

84 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW 

1. What do you mean by the expression "marriage is diseased today." 2. 
Name some of the causes of "modern marriage." 3. What is meant by the 
distinction between "anatomy" and "physiology" of the sexes? 4. What are 
the minimal physical requirements for marriage? 5. Name the sex organs of 
the male, of the female. 6. What is the sperm, the ovum? 7. What must 
a couple do who think they should postpone conception? 8. What happens 
to the sperm and ovum at conception? 9- At what age does ovulation usu 
ally occur? 10. What is the duration of the period of gestation? 11. Are 
there virtues peculiar to men, others to women? 12. Of what importance to 
marriage is the understanding of masculine and feminine nature? 13. Is love 
between the parties necessary to successful marriage? 14. How does the 
existence of the two sexes argue for the existence of a Supreme Intelligence? 
15. Summarize the question of hereditary factors. 16. What place does the 
child hold in the home? 17. What about sex education? 

GETTING THE CROWN 87 



0® getting ^Harried 

(On the Ceremonies and Contract 

of Marriage) 

Fr. William J. Carey 

1 CANNOT promise to entertain you this evening because this part 
of Pre-marriage Instruction is rather 
dry. To us, however, as parish priests, 
and to you who are to be married, 
it is extremely important. 

First of all, by way of introduc-
tion, most of you have very few close 
personal contacts with priests. Those 
who have gone to Catholic Colleges 
or who have been altar boys know 
priests fairly well. You have heard 
one call the other "Joe" or "Jim" or 
something else. To most of you, 
priests have a kind of humanness 
about the way they carry on their 
daily life and also a kind of aura 
about their aim in life, trying to 
lead others to holiness. But for most 
of you the first close, personal con-
tact with a priest is your marriage. 
And so I would make a special plea, 

a kind of apology, not just for our-
selves but for a better understanding 
of all priests because, you know, it 
is not true that "they get up at five 
o'clock in the morning just to think 
up more ways to be mean to you." 
Your parish priest has just one great 
purpose in life and that is to help 
you save your soul. For some reason 
or other, God has identified you with 
him. I don't know why it is that the 
bishop assigns a particular priest to 
a particular parish, or even why you 
should have to live in a particular 
parish; but for some reason or other 
that priest is bound up with your 
salvation. This whole business of 
marriage, as the Forum has been 
showing you over the weeks, is a very 
sacred thing. And this begins with 
the immediate contact that you have 
with the priest who will perhaps 

Rev. William J. Carey is rector of the Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul, Providence. 

86 



perform the ceremony. So, if Father 
is a little-bit brusk at times, or curt, 
try to understand it; or if you can't 
understand it, try to steel yourself to 
it. Sometimes the priest is a crank; 
I've heard of priests who are cranks; 
don't be afraid of them, though; 
sometimes cranks are awfully nice 
people. They really are; they will 
have a soft spot in them someplace. 
First of all, then, don't dread the 
time when you have to come to the 
rectory to set your date. The priest 
is glad to see you and he will be 
glad to hear that you are going to 
get married. He isn't going to say, 
" Y O U ! Who'd have you?" He is 
going to be genuinely interested to 
find you in the office. 

Setting the Date 
It is important for you that you get 

to the rectory early. How soon to call 
on the priest, I can't say exactly, be-
cause it depends on the individual 
parish. If you come from a large city 
parish I would say that six months 
before the date is not too far in ad-
vance, particularly if you are selecting 
the months of May, June, September 
or October; and particularly if you 
are asking for a Saturday Mass. 
Everyone wants to get married on 
Saturday; (and everyone wants to 
be buried on Saturday). You may go 
to a rectory six months in advance 
and Father will say, "Oh, go home, 
it's too soon." If that's the case, it 
means that ordinarily marriages are 
not booked more than three months 
in advance in your parish. It de-

pends upon the individual place. A 
good safe way sometimes is to ask 
the priest. No priest minds an honest 
question. He will be glad to have 
people ask how far in advance he 
would like you to set the date. At 
any rate too soon is better than too 
late. So, therefore, we come to the 
very first thing: get your date set. In 
connection with this, when you set 
your date give Father a little lea-
way. Don't say, "I want eleven 
o'clock and it's got to be eleven 
o'clock, because I have reserved the 
hall for the reception, and yak, yak, 
yak." See what times Father has 
available. You have your problems, 
no doubt, but remember your parish 
priest has his problems too. It re-
quires understanding on both sides. 
Your pastor wants to satisfy you. 

After you have set the date you ask 
Father when he wants to see you. 
He will perhaps tell you to call him 
three months in advance. There is 
no need, for example, if this is go-
ing to be a regular church wedding, 
to go into the long details about dec-
orations you want for the altar or the 
music you want; you don't have to 
do that six months in advance. That 
will come later. If he says three 
months before the wedding, tele-
phone him and ask him for a specific 
appointment when both of you can 
meet him. This time when you come 
in, it would be a fine thing if you 
were already armed with the follow-
ing documents: a baptismal record, 
(not more than six months old,) a 
first communion record, and a con-

GETTING MARRIED 87 



firmation record. The church where 
you were baptized will have a copy 
of your baptismal record and also of 
your confirmation record, wherever 
you were confirmed. 

Baptismal Record 
You must get a new baptismal 

record because it will indicate your 
freedom to marry. Any confirmation 
record, no matter how old it is, is 
perfectly valid. That holds for both 
the bride and groom. It saves an 
awful amount of work if you will 
bring the records in to the rectory. 
If all your records are in the parish 
in which you are to get married you 
don't have to call on the priest and 
say, "Give me my records." If the 
parish in which you were baptized is 
different from the one in which you 
are to be married, then you need 
copies of your records. 

Now, this time when you come 
armed with these documents Father 
will perhaps discuss this marriage 
questionnaire. This has paled many 
a bride and groom. It gets more com-
plex every year, almost. The print 
of this new one is just about one-
quarter the size of the old one so 
that there are about three times as 
many questions in this as in the old 
one, but for your protection. 

After you have given in the rec-
ords, Father will begin the course of 
marriage instructions. He knows by 
diocesan statue how many instruc-
tions you are to have, and what doc-
trine he is to cover. The mere fact 
that you come here to this course 
makes his work very easy, because 

some of the material he will give you 
has already been covered here. You 
might tell him too that you have 
been present for this series; it will 
give him a distinct lead in what he 
ought to say. 

Father will begin with some pre-
liminary instructions on the sacra-
ment of Matrimony, and when this 
has been completed he will begin 
filling in this marriage questionnaire. 
(Here Father Carey displayed the 
diocesan form for Providence.) Now 
suppose for a moment we consider 
the standard, ordinary case—that is, 
both parties are Catholics. This ques-
tionnaire is gone through solo, each 
one must be alone with the priest 
when he or she answers the ques-
tions. Some of you worry too much 
about the questionnaire and imagine 
all kinds of impossible things. But it 
is merely a review of accepted prin-
ciples of Sacramental marriage for 
the well-instructed Catholic, and re-
member it is for your own protection. 

The priest begins by saying to 
the groom: "You are well aware of 
the necessity of telling the truth, of 
the sacredness of an oath, and of the 
penalties against perjury; now then 
will you please place your hand on 
this Holy Bible and call God to wit-
ness to the truth of your statements." 
. . . After he takes the oath the 
questions begin. 

The first few are personal, and 
have to do with your name, address, 
etc. A notable part of the series has 
to do with proving that you are 
free to marry. That freedom or 

88 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



liberty is a most important aspect of 
this contract. You must be entirely 
free, not only in the sense that 
you are not already bound by the 
obligations of a previous marriage, 
but you must be absolutely free from 
all pressure or force in deciding to 
marry one another. You must swear 
that you are marrying whom you 
yourself choose to marry, because you 
want to. That is why both the bride 
and groom will be asked: "Are you 
entering this marriage of your own 
free will, without being forced by 
anyone whether physically or moral-
ly?" That liberty to choose is the 
very heart of the contract and its im-
portance cannot be over-emphasized. 
With it rank the two questions which 
follow it in the investigation: "Do 
you realize the obligations which 
marriage entails?" and "Do you real-
ize that you cannot marry again 
once you have contracted this mar-
riage, unless death dissolves the 
bond ?" 

Anything that destroys freedom of 
consent, destroys the marriage entire-
ly. When you say "I will" to the 
contract, you must do so of your own 
free will and without being forced 
by anyone or anything. The mutual, 
free consent of each pertains to the 
essence of marriage. 

At this point the investigation is 
directed to the persons who are to 
be the official witnesses of the mar-
riage. Two questions are asked con-
cerning them: first, "What are their 
names?" and secondly, "Are they 
Catholics in good standing?" 

We might follow this question-
naire point by point to discover the 
other matters with which the pastor's 
inquiry deals. But perhaps it will be 
simpler to look at it from another 
angle. The pastor's purpose is to dis-
cover if there is any obstacle, remov-
able or irremovable, to the union of 
this man and this woman. These ob-
stacles in Church language are called 
"impediments," and are of two 
kinds, "prohibitive," and "diriment." 
If, in the enumeration of these im-
pediments, you are struck with the 
thought that many of these obstacles 
could rarely present themselves in 
the lives of the ordinary candidates 
for marriage, you should remember 
that those who framed these laws 
are also aware of that; but the law 
must be prepared to provide a deci-
sion or the basis for a decision in any 
case which may arise. From a knowl-
edge based on long experience, the 
Church has legislated for the many 
situations which may occur, and the 
almost innumerable complexities in 
which her children may entangle 
their lives. 

Prohibitive Impediments 
"Prohibitive impediments" are 

those obstacles which make a mar-
riage gravely unlawful; yet if the 
marriage is performed, these par-
ticular impediments do not make the 
marriage invalid—it will be a real 
marriage but sinful. Church law fists 
three prohibitive impediments: 1. if 
a person has taken a vow not to 
marry, a vow of virginity, or a vow 

GETTING MARRIED 89 



to receive Holy Orders or to enter 
the religious life; 2. if the persons 
to be married are related by legal 
adoption, in countries where the civil 
law forbids such persons to marry; 
3. if one of the persons wishing to 
be married is baptized in another re-
ligion, or although a baptized Cath-
olic, has fallen away from the Cath-
olic religion and is now practising 
another or no religion. This is an 
important impediment to understand, 
and it arises more frequently than 
the other two. All marriages between 
Catholics and baptized Protestants 
are forbidden by this impediment, 
but not a marriage between a Catho-
lic and one who is unbaptized, as 
for example, a Mohammedan. Such a 
union is blocked by a diriment im-
pediment (see below). 

Mixed Marriage 
The objection of the Church to 

such marriages is that married per-
sons live so intimate and close a life 
that in a marriage of persons with 
mixed religious beliefs, there is pres-
ent a real danger to the faith of the 
Catholic involved. The Church can 
give no one permission to live in 
the proximate danger of losing his 
faith. How, then, does it happen 
that the Church gives her permission 
to the marriage of a Catholic with 
a Protestant? The answer is that this 
danger is removable, and when 
proper steps have been taken, the 
Church considers that the danger has 
been removed. These steps consist in 
the following: a. giving the non-

Catholic party some knowledge of 
the Catholic's belief and practices; 
b. in obtaining a freely given prom-
ise that the Catholic party will be 
interferred with in no way in the 
practice of the Catholic religion; and 
c. in obtaining a further promise 
that all the children of such a mar-
riage will be baptized in the Catholic 
faith and brought up as members of 
the Catholic Church. 

In the absence of such promises, 
the danger to the faith of the Catho-
lic remains, and the Church will not 
countenance the marriage, as the state 
would not license a marriage if one 
of the persons concerned refused to 
submit to a blood test. 

It is not a question here of being 
narrow-minded or broad-minded. 
Neither is it the intention of the 
Church to stigmatize the Protestant 
man or woman involved as morally 
inferior, or as a person who enters 
marriage with an evil motive. Nor 
is the Church unaware that some-
times the heroic faith and practice of 
the Catholic spouse has been instru-
mental in bringing the non-Catholic 
to the Catholic faith. The basic fact 
is that one cannot tie one's whole life 
and happiness so closely to that of 
another and not be influenced in that 
association, which is unlike any other 
on earth. 

Destroying Impediments 

So much for the first type of im-
pediment. The second kind, called 
"Diriment" or "Destroying impedi-
ments," are more serious, because 

90 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



when not dispensed by the Church 
they render the marriage invalid, 
that is, no marriage. In a word, there 
is no marriage when a diriment im-
pediment blocks the way. These im-
pediments are more numerous, and 
they include the following: 

1. a want of proper age; the man 
must be at least sixteen, the woman, 
at least fourteen; 

2. impotency, or the physical in-
ability of either person to perform 
the marriage act from which children 
will normally be born. This does not 
mean sterility, or the inability to be-
get or bear children, but the impedi-
ment is limited to the inability to 
perform the act which leads to the 
generation of children. This impo-
tency must be perpetual, and of such 
a nature that it cannot be remedied 
by natural means. (Sterility is not 
an impediment, because, although it 
prevents the attainment of the pri-
mary purpose of marriage—the gen-
eration of children—it does not pre-
vent the attainment of the secondary 
aims, namely, mutual association and 
a remedy for concupiscence and the 
good of the sacrament;) 

3. the bond of an existing mar-
riage. Any pervious valid marriage 
must have ended through the death 
of one of the contracting parties. 
Any invalid marriage-attempt must 
have been declared "no marriage" 
by an ecclesiastical court. A docu-
ment of such a decision must be of-
fered in evidence; 

4. if one of the applicants for 
marriage is an unbaptized person. 

This is similar to the obstacle to the 
marriage of a Catholic and a baptized 
member of another religion, but this 
obstacle is more serious. The same 
conditions are prescribed for a dis-
pensation from this impediment, 
namely, a grave and just cause for 
proceeding with the marriage, and 
a sworn guarantee concerning the 
faith of the Catholic party and the 
children; 

5. no one who is in Holy Orders 
may validly marry, nor may one who 
has taken solemn vows; 

6. the act of adultery with the 
promise of marriage, or the murder 
of a husband or wife to clear the 
way for another marriage; 

7. relationship of consanguinity 
to the third degree—second cousins. 
"Consanguinity," is that relationship 
which exists between persons de-
scended from a common ancestor. 
Such persons are related by blood; 

8. once a person has been married, 
a relationship called "affinity" exists 
between the person and his relatives 
by marriage. An impediment to a 
second marriage is thus raised and 
it extends to the first cousins of one's 
former wife or husband, and all who 
are more closely related by marriage; 

9. living publicity in an invalid 
marriage relationship, with or with-
out a marriage ceremony. Anyone in 
such a situation is impeded from 
marrying any person directly related 
to the one with whom he has lived, 
that is, with parents or children of 
such a person; 

10. spiritual relationship. Such an 

GETTING MARRIED 91 



impediment exists between a sponsor 
in baptism and the person baptized, 
or between the one baptizing and the 
person baptized. 

If a man and woman find one of 
these diriment impediments standing 
in the way of their marriage, may 
they secure a dispenation? That de-
pends on whether the impediment 
arises from divine law, from the 
natural law, or from ecclesiastical 
law. In the case of an impediment 
that comes from Church law, it is 
apparent that since the Church has 
the power to make the law, she also 
has the power to dispense from it. 
Thus an impediment arising from 
"want of age" may be dispensed, if 
a sufficiently serious reason can be 
advanced. But when it is a question 
of divine or natural law, the Church, 
which did not make these laws, can-
not dispense from them. Thus, be-
cause the divine law forbids it, one 
who is already validly married can-
not be dispensed and given permis-
sion to remarry until his first spouse 
is dead. 

The Banns 

When it has been established that 
there is no impediment to your mar-
riage, the next step is the publication 
of the banns, or public notices of 
your intention to marry. In the or-
dinary course of events this intention 
must be announced on three succes-
sive Sundays (or Holydays, if one 
intervenes), at the principal Mass, 
in the parishes in which you have 
official residence. For a sufficient rea-

son the bishop may give permission 
to omit one or all of the banns. But 
they are intended to call to the 
attention of the faithful the fact 
that you are planning to be married, 
and if any obstacle to such a marriage 
is known, the opportunity is thus 
afforded to prevent what might be 
an improper marriage, or perhaps 
an invalid one. 

The care and precations which are 
taken in the preliminaries to mar-
riage are not without their compen-
sations. Nothing that is worth while 
is accomplished without effort and 
taking pains, and a happy marriage is 
no exception. Not only is your future 
welfare assured, with as much cer-
tainty as human prudence and wis-
dom can bestow, but the ceremony 
in which you exchange your vows 
is a ritual especially designed for 
the reception of this sacrament. This 
marriage ritual is an old one in form, 
but the new English version used 
in this country is modern and its 
language is well adapted to present 
usage. According to this rite, you 
declare in public your intention to 
be married, and you pronounce sep-
arately your promise to one another 
in all the fortunes of life, until death 
separates you. The ring, the symbol 
of your wedded union, is blessed, 
and in the act of giving the ring 
you pledge your faith and loyalty 
to one another. The prayer of the 
priest, with which this ceremony 
closes, is that those who have thus 
been joined together by God, may 
be preserved together by His help. 

92 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



That was the case of two Catholics 
who gave the priest ample time. 
Now, sometimes, for example the 
case of a man in the Service; he gets 
a short leave and despite all the 
protestations of priests and parents 
and everyone else that it isn't a good 
time to get married in a hurry, he 
still wants to be married. We won't 
go into that here; it has been covered 
elsewhere in this series. Our question 
here is: what do we do with him? 

If he cannot give us three weeks, 
all other things being in order, bap-
tismal record and other records, we 
apply to the bishop for a dispensa-
tion from banns. 

At the bottom of the form request-
ing the dispensation of banns we 
come to the "delicate" part of this 
operation, namely, "enclosed $ . . . . 
alms." Try to keep a good, open 
mind about this. The priest really 
does not care whether or not you 
leave this offering for alms. Believe 
me, he doesn't, because none of it 
goes to him. The diocesan staff in the 
chancery office employs a great deal 
of help, clerical help; there are sec-
retaries who spend all day long re-
cording these dispensations, because, 
remember, it is an exception to the 
Church law that you are asking for, 
and the Church zealously guards its 
laws, and when you ask for a privi-
lege or an exception to the law the 
Church wants a record of that fact; 
you see, the Church regards her laws 
as being for your benefit. If you have 
extraordinary reasons, or good rea-
sons, the Church will grant an ex-

ception; but the Church wants a rec-
ord of the fact that she granted you 
this dispensation. If it does this it 
must employ secretarial help and that 
costs money. And that is where the 
alms go. Dispensation from three 
banns is six dollars if you are able 
to give it. If you are not, Father 
will say nothing. If you say, "I can't 
afford to give that much," it will be 
perfectly all right for it is a free 
offering. 

The Nuptial Mass 
The marriage ceremony takes place 

in so short a time that it is almost 
frightening; after the months of 
preparations, the actual marriage 
takes place in a matter of minutes. 
But the Mass which follows the mar-
riage ceremony adds to the solemnity 
and is proper to this occasion alone. 
Those portions of the Mass which 
change with the various feasts of the 
year are in this case altered to ask 
God's grace upon the newly married 
pair. The prayers of this Mass as 
well as the Epistle and the Gospel 
are an appeal for your welfare, and 
a reminder to you of God's pro-
nouncements on the married state 
through the mouth of St. Paul the 
Apostle or through the teaching of 
Christ Himself. Twice during the 
Mass the ordinary sequence of the 
sacrifice is interrupted to invoke 
God's blessing on the couple. That 
alone would indicate the solemnity 
with which the Church regards this 
occasion, for the only other time 
such an interruption occurs is during 

GETTING MARRIED 93 



the Ordination of a priest or the 
Consecration of a bishop. It hardly 
needs to be pointed out that the 
Church considers the ordination and 
consecration of her own representa-
tives highly important. The Church 
indicates that your marriage is no or-
dinary event by ineserting two special 
prayers in the Nuptial Mass, one 
immediately after the Our Father 
has been recited by the priest, and 
one before the last blessing of the 
Mass. 

The Nuptial Blessing 

The long prayer which follows the 
Our Father is directed in a general 
way toward your happiness but in 
a special way it concerns the bride 
alone. Much of this prayer seeks for 
her the grace that she may be strong 
and faithful, that she may find peace, 
and that she, who will know so much 
of life in her new state, may remain 
good and innocent. For her the 
Church requests the happiness and 
virtues exemplified in three famous 
wives and mothers of the Old Testa-
ment, Rachel, Rebecca, and Sarah. 

Finally, before the customary bless-
ing for all the congregation is given, 
the priest departs from the regular 
service again, and in a final bene-
diction for you two, only, calls upon 
the God of Abraham, the God of 
Isaac, and the God of Jacob to be 
with you, and to bless you greatly 
in every way, that on this earth you 

may live to see not only children of 
your own, but your children's chil-
dren to the third and fourth gener-
ation, and that after this life is over, 
you may enjoy everlasting life in 
Heaven. 

With this wish, the ceremony and 
the Mass are concluded.* 

The Church, Our Mother 
One final note, regarding the 

Church's maternal attitude toward 
her married children, could be made 
concerning the business of fixing up 
wrong marriages. The Church is al-
ways eager to rectify wrong mar-
riages, that is, marriages which were 
invalidly or unlawfully attempted but 
to which there is no obstacle now. It 
is one of the most difficult problems 
of the priest to bring back to the 
Church persons who have left it in 
this way. However, if they really 
wish to abandon their sinful life, 
they will find a most cordial welcome 
from the priest. The priest will be 
happy to cooperate in the necessary 
steps. The hardest thing for such 
Catholics is for them to realize the 
harm they have done themselves. But 
it is one of the greatest consolations 
to the priest to be able to sanctify a 
marriage union and thus restore the 
parties to the life of grace and 
friendship with God. 

* The Marriage Ceremony, with the 
Nuptial Mass and Nuptial Blesing are re-
produced in Appendix A. 

94 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW 

1. How long in advance of the wedding day should a couple consult the 
pastor? 2. Why is the Church interested in Marriage? 3. What is the "In-
vestigation of freedom to marry"? 4. What is an impediment? 5. Distin-
guish the two kinds of impediments. 6. Who is the minister of the sacrament 
of Matrimony? 7. Who are the persons to be present for a lawful Catholic 
Marriage? 8. What is the Nuptial Mass? 9. At what part of the Catholic 
ceremony is the Nuptial Blessing given? 

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION 

X. How does one go about getting a marriage license? . 2. Is there a "waiting 
period" in every State? 3. What is meant by the "physical examination" 
required by civil law? 4. Why is the state interested in Marriage? 5. What 
is the customary stipend to be given at a Catholic wedding? 6. How much 
does it cost to have a formal wedding with a reception for two-hundred per-
sons? 7. Is one required to follow Emily Post in all details of a formal 
wedding? 8. What about throwing rice and confetti at the church door? 
9. Should all of the members of the wedding party receive Holy Communion 
at the Nuptial Mass? 10. Is it possible to have the wedding in the church 
when one of the parties is a non-Catholic? 11. What is considered "appro-
priate music" during a "low" Nuptial Mass? Name the pieces. 

GETTING MARRIED 95 



7« (jetting the a rown 

(On the Sanctifying Power of Marriage) 

Fr. Thomas H. McBrien, O.P. 

DO YOU remember the children's story of Cinderella? Cinderella 
was changed by her fairy god-
mother into a beautiful princess. 
With a touch of her magic wand, the 
fairy god-mother t r ans fo rmed a 
ragged and wretched working girl 
into a charming immaculately 
gowned young lady. Our Divine 
Lord did something similar to mar-
riage, the union of man and wife; 
only Christ did not use a magic wand 
—but a Cross. By His presence at 
the wedding feast in Cana of Galilee, 
Christ consecrated and sanctified 
marriage. By His preaching during 
His Public Life, He sanctioned the 
essential properties of marriage; its 
unity, its indissolubility. By His 
Death on the Cross He merited all 
the graces which are administered 
through the sacrament of Matrimony. 

There is another similarity be-
tween the action of Cinderella's fairy 

god-mother and the action of Our 
Divine Lord. Cinderella was good, a 
hard-working girl; but her condition 
had been reduced to slavery by the 
abuse heaped upon her by her mis-
erable sisters. Marriage as it came 
from the Hand of God in the garden 
of Eden was good. The divinely es-
tablished purpose of marriage was 
good. Through the years, however, 
this sublime institution was dese-
crated by the twin sisters of lust and 
selfishness. 

By the fire of His love for men, 
Christ cauterized marriage of its pa-
gan corruption. He purged it of its 
cancerous infection. Bandaging up 
the wounds inflicted by centuries of 
malpractice, He restored marriage to 
its primitive perfection. The original 
beauty and luster of marriage Christ 
renewed, but He changed nothing 
essential. Whatever came from God 
in marriage, He retained, for it was 

Rev. Thomas Hugh McBrien, O.P., S.T.Lr., S.T.L., is chaplain of the students at Provi-
dence College and co-sponsor of the Annual Marriage Forum. 

96 



good; whatever came from the malice 
of men, He eradicated, for it was 
evil. Christ did more than restore 
marriage to its former beauty, He 
not only purified it; He sanctified it; 
He made it holy; He raised marriage 
to the sublime dignity of a sacrament. 

Channel of Grace 

In elevating marriage to the dig-
nity of a sacrament, then, Our Divine 
Lord made it one of the links which 
unite men to His Passion. He made 
it one of the channels through which 
His grace could flow into the souls 
of men. He made it one of the in-
struments which can sanctify the 
lives of men, one of the instruments 
which can make men holy. Since it 
is grace that makes men holy, it is 
the grace that the sacrament of Mat-
rimony causes which is able to make 
married men and women holy. Theo-
logians tell us that there is a three-
fold supernatural effect of marriage, 
a triple grace which this sacrament 
causes: an increase in sanctifying 
grace, sacramental grace, and a right 
or title to actual grace. Our task here 
is to discover the role of each of these 
graces in the life of husband and 
wife. In so doing, we shall discover 
the sanctifying power of Christian 
marriage. 

Sanctifying Grace 

Just exactly what is sanctifying 
grace? What do we mean when we 
say that one of the effects of sacra-
mental marriage is an increase in 

sanctifying grace ? No doubt you 
have heard it described as a white 
and shining dress that clothes the 
soul; a wedding garment which 
must be worn to the heavenly nup-
tials; a pearl of great price; a treas-
ure hidden in a field. These are all 
true, but they are metaphors. What 
is sanctifying grace in itself? Most 
people think of it as something strict-
ly supernatural; something mysteri-
ous; something imaginary. Well, it is 
supernatural, something above our 
nature; it is mysterious, something 
we do not understand.. But it is not 
imaginary! It is real! You do not see 
it; you cannot feel it. It is spiritual, 
even as your soul is spiritual. You 
cannot see or touch your soul, but you 
would not deny the reality of your 
soul. So also is grace real. It is a real 
quality placed in your soul by God; 
a real quality which modifies your 
soul. It disposes your soul; it brings 
your soul into perfect harmony with 
God. As we look at a group of en-
gaged couples we see that all the 
young men are strong and hand-
some; all the young ladies are charm-
ing and beautiful. That beauty and 
that health are qualities, dispositions 
of your bodies. So grace is a quality, 
a disposition of your soul, which 
makes your soul strong and healthy 
and beautiful in the sight of God. As 
the air we breathe penetrates every 
nook and cranny of the room we are 
in, so God's grace penetrates the 
very marrow of your soul, cleansing 
it of imperfections, purifying it, 
making it pleasing in God's sight. 

GETTING THE CROWN 97 



Sharing Divine Life 
This sanctifying grace, this real 

spiritual disposition in your soul, is 
nothing else than a participation in 
the very life of God. According to 
St. Peter, it makes men "partakers of 
the divine nature" (II Peter, I, 4 ) . 
It does not make men gods; but it 
does make men God-like. Everyone 
in the state of grace lives a super-
natural life; everyone in the state of 
grace shares with Christ divine life. 

Grace Perfects Nature 
A young couple, therefore, begin-

ning their married life together, are 
already united by the mystical bond 
of sanctifying grace. Having already 
received the sacraments of Baptism, 
Penance, Confirmation, and the Holy 
Eucharist, they possess sanctifying 
grace in their souls. Even before they 
are joined by the sacred bond of Mat-
rimony they share with each other the 
common life of Christ. When they 
receive this sacrament that supernat-
ural life which is sanctifying grace is 
increased, and it penetrates their nat-
ural life through and through. It 
transforms and makes divine their 
natural lives. Their natural qualities 
of mind and heart, grace perfects 
and supernaturalizes. The young wife 
is kind, sympathetic, gentle; the 
young husband is thoughtful, gener-
ous, good-natured. These natural dis-
positions are not changed by grace. 
Ten minutes after the wedding cere-
mony—as well as ten years after-
wards—the husband and wife still 
possess their natural characteristics. 

Grace does not crush them, but rather 
blends them, elevates them to the 
supernatural order, transforms them 
into Christ-like virtues. It channels 
them into the service of each other 
and the service of God. Just as elec-
tricity is transformed into light and 
heat, giving warmth and illumina-
tion to their bodies, so grace trans-
forms the natural capabilities which 
give light and warmth to their hearts. 
The snow which falls on the trees 
does not destroy the tree, but clothes 
it in a dress of white; so grace makes 
the natural powers of their souls 
shine brilliantly in the sight of God. 
Above all, their natural love and af-
fection for each other, removed by 
grace from the slush of concupis-
cence, is sanctified and transformed 
into a pure and sacred passion. Their 
purified love becomes a high and 
holy romance. 

The sanctifying power of Matri-
mony is, therefore, derived first of 
all from the increase of sanctifying 
grace in the soul. At the moment 
when the sacrament is received, a 
channel opens between the souls of 
the bride and groom and the Passion 
of Christ, and grace—supernatural, 
mysterious divine life—pours into 
their souls to make them holy. 

Sacramental Grace 

Marriage is a vocation, a noble, 
divine vocation. By a divine vocation 
we mean a special calling by Al-
mighty God. No one has any diffi-
culty in recognizing that a vocation 
to the priesthood or the religious life 

98 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



is a special calling. It is a distinct, 
solemn, personal call from God to 
an individual man or woman. In His 
loving Providence, God has His own 
definite designs on each of His chil-
dren. For some He plans a sacred vo-
cation to the priesthood or cloister. 
For others He plans a sacred vocation 
to die married state. To one He offers 
the sacrament of Holy Orders; to 
another He offers the sacrament of 
Holy Matrimony. To everyone God 
gives the grace to live his vocation 
worthily. 

In order that the Blessed Virgin 
might carry out her sublime duties 
as the Mother of God, her soul was 
flooded with grace. Mary had a spe-
cial calling, and, therefore, she re-
ceived a special grace. St. Dominic 
was called by God to special duties 
in the Church—the founding of a 
religious order. God gave to him the 
special talents, the special equipment, 
the special grace necessary for such a 
tremendous undertaking. It is always 
thus. God is never inconsistent. 
Whenever He calls someone to a 
special office or a special duty, He 
always supplies the necessary grace 
to carry out that duty. In those called 
to the priesthood, He infuses special 
sacramental grace—grace which will 
enable the priest to perform his du-
ties worthily. To those whom He has 
given a vocation to marriage, God 
also gives special sacramental grace. 
When the bride and bridegroom ex-
change their consent, they receive the 
sacrament, and it is then that God 
gives them the grace to their voca-

tion—the sacramental grace of Matri-
mony. Grace makes a person holy. 
The sacramental grace of marriage 
makes married persons holy. It is 
God's wedding gift to the bride and 
groom—a wedding gift that will per-
fect their conjugal love, that will pre-
serve their fidelity to the marital ob-
ligations, that will enable them to 
educate their children in the ways of 
God. On the day of their wedding, 
"they open for themselves a treasure 
of sacramental grace from which 
they draw supernatural power for the 
fulfilling of their rights and duties 
faithfully, holily, and perseveringly 
unto death" (Casti Connubii). 

"The primary end of marriage is 
the procreation and education of 
children; its secondary end is mutual 
help and die allaying of concupis-
cence" (Code of Canon Law, No. 
1013). The sacramental grace which 
God infuses at the time of marriage 
is a permanent disposition in the 
soul which inclines the husband and 
wife to attain these purposes with 
holy regard for God's law, and, in 
attaining the ends of marriage to 
sanctify themselves, to make them-
selves holy. Sacramental grace, God's 
wedding gift, is the second source, or 
font, of holiness in Christian mar-
riage. 

Actual Grace 

How different is God's wedding 
gift from the gifts of human parents. 
A father presents his son with a new 
car for a wedding gift. On the day 
of the wedding he gives him a check 

GETTING THE CROWN 99 



for a thousand dollars and says: "All 
right, son, now you're on your own." 
What the father means is that from 
the day of the wedding the son can 
expect no more help from his father. 
The recipients of the sacrament of 
Matrimony can expect God's help 
not only on the wedding day, but 
every single day of their married life. 
They can expect that divine help be-
cause they have a right to it. This is 
the third supernatural effect of the 
sacrament—a right to all the actual 
graces necessary for living holy lives 
in the married state. 

Sanctifying grace and sacramental 
grace are permanent qualities, lasting 
dispositions, existing in the soul. 
They remain as long as mortal sin 
does not crowd them out of the soul. 
Actual grace, on the other hand, does 
not exist permanently in the soul. It 
is not an habitual disposition in the 
soul. Rather is it a special help, a 
special divine motion, here and now 
assisting man to perform a particular 
good action or to avoid a particular 
bad action. After the good action 
has been performed or after the 
temptation has been overcome, the 
actual grace, the movement from God 
ceases. It is a passing, transient assist-
ance which God gives in time of 
necessity. 

When the sacrament of Matrimony 
is received—at the very same moment 
when sanctifying grace and sacramen-
tal grace are infused into their souls, 
the bride and groom also receive a 
right, a title to this actual grace of 
God. God binds Himself, so to 

speak, directly to assist the married 
couple whenever they need His help. 
Here again there is a similarity be-
tween the sacraments of Holy Orders 
and Holy Matrimony. At ordination, 
a supernatural character is impressed 
on the soul of the priest. In virtue of 
that priestly character, God obliges 
Himself directly to concur with die 
action of the priest. 

Every Day in Every W a y 

In the sacrament of Matrimony, 
there is no character impressed upon 
the soul of the husband or wife; 
there is formed, however, a moral 
bond which permanently unites the 
couple. By reason of that moral bond, 
God obliges Himself to assist the 
couple whenever they need the 
strengthening power of actual grace. 
Since the matrimonial bond cannot 
be broken, it remains a permanent 
title to divine assistance. God, Who 
is ever merciful, will not be found 
wanting. He will give His actual 
grace—not just during the wedding 
ceremony so that the bride will not 
faint, so that the groom will not 
stumble up the altar stairs—not just 
during the wedding ritual, or not 
just during the honeymoon, but every 
moment of every day of every year 
of their married life. 

Almighty God knows the frailty 
of human nature; He knows the lim-
ited strength of man; He knows that 
raging passions sometimes crave sin-
ful satisfaction; He knows how great 
the fears that gnaw at human hearts; 
He knows the abysmal depths of sin 

100 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



to which man can plunge. And He 
knows that these are the elements 
which cause the temptations, the fail-
ures, the pain, the sorrow in married 
life. God knows all this. Because He 
knows full well the human mind 
and heart, because God knows man 
so well, He is ever present with His 
Divine grace to turn failure into suc-
cess, pain into pleasure, sorrow into 
joy, fear and disappointment into 
high hopes, and to turn a perilous 
voyage on the sea of matrimony into 
a peaceful moonlight sail. 

The Midnight Hour 

One brief consideration remains. 
Let us, just for a moment, return to 
Cinderella. When the fairy god-
mother changed Cinderella into a 
charming princess, she placed a con-
dition, a stipulation. Cinderella must 
be obedient; she would have to re-
turn home early; for at the stroke of 
midnight, she would be changed back 
into her wretched condition. 

Almighty God has placed a condi-
tion on the graces which He gives 
in Christian marriage. He will con-
tinue to sanctify marriage. He will 
continue to sanctify those who are 
married—with His presence through 
sanctifying grace and with His assist-
ance through actual grace—as long 
as the husband and wife are obedient 
to His commandments, as long as 
they walk worthy of the vocation in 
which they are called. If they dese-
crate the sacredness of marriage by 
violating their marriage vows, if they 
destroy the sanctity of the Christian 

home by unholy practices, if they kill 
the supernatural life of their souls 
through grave sin, then the peace 
and happiness which He has prom-
ised in marriage will not be theirs. 

We are living in a materialistic 
society, a society which, denying the 
spiritual order, measures all things 
in terms of material or earthly values. 
The dignity of the human person is 
scoffed at and, therefore, the sanctity 
of marriage is ridiculed. Adultery, 
divorce, birth control, every type of 
impurity is no longer looked upon 
as sinful, as base and disgraceful. It 
is justified even praised, by some al-
legedly learned scientists. In the wake 
of this materialistic living, we find 
broken homes, diseased bodies, neu-
rotic souls. The hospitals of the 
world are overflowing with men and 
women who deny the dignity of the 
human person and the sanctity of 
marriage. Even more terrifying is the 
thought that Hell is probably over-
flowing with the same type of people! 

That is why the Christian home 
and Christian marriage must be im-
mersed in prayer. That is why con-
stant recourse must be made to Christ 
Our Lord who gave us the Great 
Sacrament. That is why husbands and 
wives, fathers and mothers with their 
children, must be on their knees every 
day praying to Mary, the Mediatrix 
of All Grace. That is why in the ex-
hortation after the marriage cere-
mony, one finds the charge to the 
newly married couple: "Cherish with 
solicitude the grace that this day has 
been conferred upon you; it will 

GETTING THE CROWN 101 



direct you in every difficulty; it will of joy, of mutual affection on earth, 
comfort you in the hour of trial; it and a pledge of your eternal union 
will be a continual source of peace, in heaven." 

QUESTIONS FOR REVIEW 

X. Was the natural institution of marriage good? 2. How did marriage be-
come a source of grace? 3. What is the ultimate source of the grace of Mat-
rimony? 4. What is sanctifying grace? 5. What other means of grace are 
available to a man and woman even before marriage? 6. Is marriage a spe-
cial vocation? 7. How does Canon Law define the purposes of marriage' 
8. What is meant by "God's wedding gift?" 9. What is the difference be-
tween sacramental grace and actual grace? 10. How does sacramental grace 
work in the soul? 11. Under what conditions may a couple expect to receive 
grace during their married life? 12. Why must the Christian home be "im-
mersed in prayer?" 

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION 

1. In sacramental marriage, is everything a husband and wife do a source of 
grace? 2. Is this sacrament, with all its graces, received by both parties, 
whether Catholic or non-Catholic? 3. Does not the grace of the sacrament 
of Matrimony take the husband and wife "out of this world" and make them 
impractical about human affairs? 4. Since grace does so much in marriage, 
why bother about social and economic preparation ? 5. Does every sacrament 
bring with it sacramental grace? 

102 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



A P P E N D I X A . 

RITUAL FOR MATRIMONY AND THE PROPER OF THE 

N U P T I A L MASS WITH THE NUPTIAL BLESSING* 

The Priest, standing facing the altar, says: 
y . Our help is in the name of the Lord. 
Ri. W h o made heaven and earth. 
y . O Lord, hear my prayer. 
R'. And let my cry come unto Thee, 
y . The Lord be with you. 
1$. And with your spirit. 
Let us pray. O Lord, we implore Thee, 
let Thy inspiration precede our actions 
and Thy help further them, so that all 
our prayers and all our deeds may ever 
take their beginning from Thee and, so 
begun, may thruogh Thee reach comple-
tion. Through Christ our Lord. 
RJ. Amen. 
The priest then turns to the couple and 
reads: 

THE INSTRUCTION BEFORE 
MARRIAGE 

Dear friends in Christ: As you know, 
you are about to enter into a union which 
is most sacred and most serious, a union 
which was established by God Himself. 
By it, He gave to man a share in the 
greatest work of creation, the work of 
the continuation of the human race. And 
in this way, He sanctified human love and 
enabled man and woman to help each 
other live as children of God, by sharing 
a common life under His fatherly care. 

Because God Himself is thus its author, 

* The rite for the Sacrament of Matri-
mony, approved by the Sacred Congrega-
tion of Rites, for use in the United States, 
June 3, 1954. Proper of the Nuptial Mass 
is from the Leaflet Missal. 

marriage is of its very nature a holy in-
stitution, requiring of those who enter 
into it a complete and unreserved giving 
of self. But Christ our Lord added to the 
holiness of marriage an even deeper 
meaning and a higher beauty. He referred 
to the love of marriage to describe His 
own love for His Church, that is, for the 
people of God whom He redeemed by 
His own blood. And so He gave to Chris-
tians a new vision of what married life 
ought to be, a life of self-sacrificing love 
like His own. It is for this reason that 
His Apostle, St. Paul, clearly states that 
marriage is now and for all time to be 
considered a great mystery, intimately 
bound up with the supernatural union 
of Christ and the Church, which union 
is also to be its pattern. 

This union then is most serious, be-
cause it will bind you together for life 
in a relationship so close and so intimate, 
that it will profoundly influence your 
whole future. That future, with its hopes 
and disappointments, its successes and its 
failures, its pleasures, and its pains, its 
joys and its sorrows, is hidden from your 
eyes. You know that these elements are 
mingled in every life, and are to be ex-
pected in your own. And so, not knowing 
what is before you, you take each other 
for better or for worse, for richer or for 
poorer, in sickness and in health, until 
death. 

Truly, then, these words are most seri-
ous. It is a beautiful tribute to your un-
doubted faith in each other, that, recog-
nizing their full import, you are never-

APPENDIX 103 



theless so willing and ready to pronounce 
them. And because these words involve 
such solemn obligations, it is most fitting 
that you rest the security of your wedded 
life upon the great principle of self-sacri-
fice. And so you begin your married life 
by the voluntary and complete surrender 
of your individual lives in the interest of 
that deeper and wider life which you are 
to have in common. Henceforth, you be-
long entirely to each other; you will be 
one in mind, one in heart, and one in 
affections. And whatever sacrifices you 
may hereafter be required to make to pre-
serve this common life, always make them 
generously. Sacrifice is usually difficult 
and irksome. Only love can make it easy; 
and perfect love can make it a joy. We 
are willing to give in proportion as we 
love. And when love is perfect, the sac-
rifice is complete. God so loved the world 
that He gave His Only begotten Son; 
and the Son so loved us, that He gave 
Himself for our salvation. "Greater love 
than this no man hath, that a man lay 
down his life for his friends." 

No greater blessing can come to your 
married life than pure conjugal love, loyal 
and true to the end. May, then, this love 
with which you join your hands and 
hearts today, never fail, but grow deeper 
ond stronger as the years go on. And if 
true love and the unselfish spirit of per-
fect sacrifice guide your every action, you 
can expect the greatest measure of earthly 
happiness that may be allotted to man in 
this vale of tears. The rest is in the hands 
of God. Nor will God be wanting to 
your needs; He will pledge you the life-
long support of His graces in the Holy 
Sacrament which you are now going to 
receive. 

SEALING OF THE MARRIAGE BOND 

The Priest says to the Groom: 

N. Will you take N., here present for 
your lawful wife according to the rite of 
our holy Mother, the Church? 
R. I will. 

Then to the Bride: 
N. Will you take N., here present, for 
your lawful husband according to the 
rite of our holy Mother, the Church? 
R. I will. 

The priest says to the couple: 
Now join your right hands. 
And say after me: 
Groom: 

I, N.N., take you, N.N., for my lawful 
wife, to have and to hold, from this day 
forward, for better, for worse, for richer, 
for poorer, in sickness and in health, until 
death do us part. 
Bride: 

I, N.N., take you, N.N., for my lawful 
husband, to have and to hold, from this 
day forward, for better, for worse, for 
richer, for poorer, in sickness and in 
health, until death do us part. 

CONFIRMATION OF THE 
MARRIAGE BOND 

The Priest says: I join you in matrimony: 
In the name of the F a t h e r l a n d of the 
Son, and of the Holy Ghost. 
I call upon all of you here present to be 
witnesses of this holy union which I have 
now blessed. "What God has joined to-
gether, let not man put asunder?" (Matt. 
19:6) 

BLESSING OF THE WEDDING RING, 
OR RINGS 

y . Our help is in the name of the Lord. 
Who made heaven and earth. 

y . O Lord, hear my prayer. 
And let my cry come unto Thee. 

y . The Lord be with you. 
I$i. And with your spirit. 

(FOR TWO RINGS) 
Let us pray. 

Bless, "f-O Lord, these rings, which we 
are blessing in Thy name, so that they 
who wear them, keeping faith with each 
other in unbroken loyalty, may ever re-
main at peace with Thee, obedient to Thy 

104 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



will, and may live together always in mu-
tual love. Through Christ our Lord. 
IJ). Amen. 

(FOR ONE RING) 
Let us pray. 

Bless, *i* O Lord, this ring, which we are 
blessing in Thy name, so that she who 
wears it, keeping faith with her husband 
in unbroken loyalty, may ever remain at 
peace with Thee, obedient to Thy will, 
and may live with him always in mutual 
love. Through Christ our Lord. 
RJ. Amen. 

Then the priest sprinkles the ring, or 
rings, with holy water. 

GIVING THE RING 
The Priest says: 
Now that you have sealed a truly Chris-
tian marriage, give this wedding ring/ 
these wedding rings to your bride/to each 
other, saying after me: 
Groom: 
In the name of the Father, and of the 
Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Take and 
wear this ring as a pledge of my fidelity. 
Bride: 
In the name of the Father, and of the 
Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Take and 
wear this ring as a pledge of my fidelity. 

BLESSING 
Psalm 127 

The Priest says: 
Happy are you who fear the Lord, who 
walk in his ways. 

For you shall eat the fruit of your handi-
work; happy shall you be, and favored. 
Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine 
in the recesses of your home; 
Your childrein like olive plants around 
your table. 
Behold, thus is the man blessed who 
fears the Lord. 
The Lord bless you from Sion: May you 
see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the 
days of your life; 

May you see your children's children. 
Peace be upon Israel! 
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, 
and to the Holy Spirit. 
As it was in the beginning, is now, and 
ever shall be, world without end. Amen. 
y . Lord, have mercy. 
Rl. Christ, have mercy. 
y . Lord, have mercy. 
The Priest says: 
Our Father . . . quietly up to . . . 
y . And lead us not into temptation. 
Ri. But deliver us from evil, 
y . Grant salvation to Thy servants. 
RJ. For their hope, O my God, is in 
Thee. 
y . Send them aid, O Lord, from Thy 
holy place. 
JtJ. And watch over them from Sion. 
y . O Lord, hear my prayer. 
R). And let my cry come unto Thee, 
y . The Lord be with you. 
R7. And with your spirit. 

Let us pray. 
Almighty and everlasting God, Who by 
Thy power didist create Adam and Eve, 
our first parents, and join them in a holy 
union, sanctify the hearts and the bodies 
of these Thy servants, and bless them; 
and make them one in the union and love 
of true affection. Through Christ our 
Lord. 
R). Amen. 

Continuing, the Priest says: 
May Almighty God bless you by the 
Word of His mouth, and unite your 
hearts in the enduring bond of pure love. 
Ri. Amen. 
May you be blessed in your children, and 
may the love that you lavish on them be 
returned a hundredfold. 
Ri. Amen. 
May the peace of Christ dwell always in 
your hearts and in your home, may you 
have true friends to stand by you, both 
in joy and in sorrow. May you be ready 
with help and consolation for all those 

APPENDIX 105 



who come to you in need; and may the 
blessings promised to the compassionate 
descend in abundance on your house. 

Amen. 
May you be blessed in your work and 
enjoy its fruits. May cares never cause 
you distress, nor the desire for earthly 
possessions lead you astray; but may your 
hearts' concern be always for the treasures 
laid up for you in the life of heaven. 

Amen. 
May the Lord grant you fulness of years, 
so that you may reap the harvest of a 
good life, and, after you have served Him 
with loyalty in His kingdom on earth, 
may He take you up into His eternal do-
minions in heaven. 
Through our Lord Jesus Christ His Son, 
Who lives and reigns with Him in the 
unity of the Holy Spirt, God, world with-
out end. 
I}!. Amen. 

If the Nuptial Mass does not follow, the 
Priest says: 

Go in peace, and may the Lord be with 
you always. 
1$?. Amen. 

Under some conditions, the following 
prayer may be read at the close of the 
ceremony: 

Let us pray. 
O Lord, we implore Thee, extend to Thy 
faithful servants the right hand of Thy 
divine assistance, so that they may seek 
Thee with their whole hearts and receive 
from Thee whatever they ask for that is 
right. Through Christ our Lord. 
1$: Amen. 

PROPER OF THE NUPTIAL MASS WITH 
THE NUPTIAL BLESSING 

The Introif o r Officium. Tobias 7,15; 8,9 

May the God of Israel join you together; 
And may He be with you, who took pity 

upon two only children; 
And now, O Lord, make them bless Thee 

more and more. 
Psalm 127. Blessed are all who fear the 

Lord. 

Who walk in His paths. 
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, 

and to the Holy Ghost. 
As it was in the beginning, is now, and 

ever shall be world without end. Amen. 
May the God of Israel join you together; 
And may He be with you, who took pity 

upon two only children; 
And now, O Lord, make them bless Thee 

more and more. 

The Collect. 

Let us pray. O God, who hast conse-
crated the marriage bond by so excelling 
a mystery, that in the nuptial bond Thou 
should foreshadow the sacrament of Christ 
and the church; grant, we ask, that what 
is done by the ministry of our office may 
be fully perfected by Thy blessing. 
Through our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Son, 
who liveth and reigneth with Thee, in 
the unity of the Holy Ghost, God: world 
without end. Amen. 

The Epistle. Ephesians 5, 22-33 

Brethren: Let wives be subject to their 
husbands as to the Lord; because a hus-
band is head of the wife, just as Christ 
is head of the Church, being Himself 
saviour of the body. But just as the 
Church is subject to Christ, so also let 
wives be to their husbands in all things. 
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ 
also loved the Church, and delivered 
Himself up for her, that He might sanc-
tify her, cleansing her in the bath of water 
by means of the word; in order that He 
might present to Himself the Church in 
all her glory, not having spot or wrinkle 
or any such thing, but that she might be 
holy and without blemish. Even thus 
ought husbands also love their wives as 
their own bodies. He who loves his own 
wife, loves himself. For no one ever hated 
his own flesh; on the contrary he nour-
ishes and cherishes it, as Christ also does 
the Church (because we are members of 
His body, made from His flesh and His 
bones). 

106 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



"For this reason a man shall leave his 
father and mother, and shall cleave 
to his wife; and the two shall become 
one flesh." 

This is a great mystery—I mean in ref-
erence to Christ and to the Church. How-
ever, let each one of you also love his 
wife just as he loves himself; and let the 
wife respect her husband. 

Gradual or Responsory. Psalm 127, 3 
Thy wife is like a fruitful vine, 
In the inmost parts of the house: 
Thy sons are like shoots of the olive, 
Round about thy board. Alleluia, alle-

luia. 

Psalm 19. May the Lord send you help 
from the sanctuary. 

And from Sion may He guard you! 
Alleluia. 
(After Septuagésima, time of penance, 
the Gradual above is said up to the 
first alleluia only, when the following 
tract is added): 

The Tract. Psalm 127, 4-6 

Yea, thus is he blessed 
Who feareth the Lord. 
May the Lord bless thee from Sion: 
Mayest thou see the weal of Jerusalem, 
All the days of thy life. 
Mayest thou see thy children's children. 
Peace be on Israel! 

(During Eastertide all the above is 
omitted and the following is said): 

The Alleluia. 

Alleluia, alleluia. 

Psalm 19, 3. May He send thee help 
from the sanctuary, 

And from Sion may he guard thee! 
Psalm 133. May the Lord bless thee 

from Sion, 
He who made heaven and earth! Alleluia! 

The Gospel. St. Matthew 19, 3-6 
At that time: There came to Him some 
Pharisees, testing Him, and saying, "Is 
it lawful for a man to put away his wife 

for any cause?" But He answered and 
said to them, "Have you not read that 
the Creator, from the beginning, made 
them male and female, and said. 'For 
this cause a man shall leave his father 
and mother and cleave to his wife, and 
the two shall become one flesh'? There-
fore now they are no longer two, but one 
flesh. What therefore God has joined 
together, let no man put asunder." 

The Offertory Chant. Psalm 30 

I put my trust in Thee, O Lord! 
I say: Thou art my God! 
In Thy hands is my fate. 

The Secret. 

Receive, we beseech Thee, O Lord, the 
offering made for the holy law of mar-
riage; and be Thou ruler of this institu-
tion of which Thou art author. Through 
our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Son, who 
liveth and reigneth with Thee in the 
unity of the Holy Ghost, God: world 
without end. Amen. 

After the "Our Father" the Priest inter-
rupts the usual sequence of the Mass, and 
turning to the bridal couple who kneel 
before the altar, confers the Nuptial Bless-
ing upon them. 

T H E N U P T I A L BLESSING 

Let us pray: Listen with favor, O Lord, 
to our prayers; and in Thy goodness 
maintain the ways which Thou hast es-
tablished for the continuation of the 
human race, so that the union which has 
been founded by Thy authority may be 
preserved by Thy aid. Through our Lord 
Jesus Christ, Thy Son, Who lives and 
reigns with Thee in the unity of the 
Holy Spirit, God, world without end. 
Amen. 

Let us pray: O God, Who by Thy mighty 
power hast made all things where before 
there was nothing; Who, having put in 
order the beginnings of the universe, 
didst form for man, made to Thy image, 
an inseparable helpmate, woman, so that 

APPENDIX 107 



Thou didst give woman's body its origin 
from man's flesh and teach that it is 
never right to separate her from the one 
being whence it has pleased Thee to take 
her: 

O God, Who didst consecrate the union 
of marriage making it a sign so profound 
as to prefigure in the marriage covenant 
the mystery of Christ and the Church: 

O God, Who didst join woman to man, 
and give to that society, the first to be 
established, the blessing which alone was 
not taken away punishment for original 
sin nor in the doom of the Flood: 

Look with kindness on this Thy servant 
who is now to be joined to her husband 
in the companionship of marriage and 
who seeks to be made secure by Thy 
protection. 

May this yoke that she is taking upon 
herself be one of love and peace. May 
she be faithful and chaste, marrying in 
Christ, and may she always imitate the 
holy women. May she be the beloved of 
her husband, as was Rachel; wise as was 
Rebecca; long-lived and loyal, as was 
Sarah. 

May the author of sin have no mastery 
over her because of her acts. May she 
hold firm to the Faith and the command-
ments. Faithful to one embrace, may she 
flee from unlawful companionship. By 
firm discipline may she fortify herself 
against her weakness. May she be grave 
in her modesty, honorable in her chastity, 
learned in the teachings of heaven. 

May she be rich in children, prove worthy 
and blameless, and may she attain in the 
end to the peace of the blessed, the 
Kingdom of heaven. 

May she and her husband together see 

their children's children to the third and 
fourth generation and enjoy the long life 
they desire. Through our Lord Jesus 
Christ Thy Son, Who lives and reigns 
with Thee in the unity of the Holy 
Spirit, God, for ever and ever. Amen. 

The Communion. Psalm 127 
Yes, thus is blessed the man, 
Who feareth the Lord. 
And mayest thou see thy children's chil-

dren. 

Peace be on Israel! (T.P. Alleluia) 

The Postcommunlon. 

Let us pray: We beseech Thee, almighty 
God, accompany the institutions of Thy 
providence with gracious favor; that Thou 
mayest preserve with lasting piety those 
whom Thou unitest in lawful union. 
Through our Lord, Jesus Christ, Thy Son, 
who liveth and reigneth with Thee, in the 
unity of the Holy Ghost, God: world 
without end. Amen. 

Before the Last Blessing of the Mass, 
the priest once more turns to the bridal 
couple. These are the final good wishes, 
the final prayer of the Church for the 
married. Afterwards the priest blesses 
them with holy water. 

May the God of Abraham, the God of 
Isaac, the God of Jacob be with you, and 
may He fulfill in you His blessing; so 
that you may see your children's children 
to the third and fourth generation and 
afterward possess everlasting and bound-
less life. Through the help of our Lord 
Jesus Christ, Who with the Father and 
the Holy Spirit lives and reigns, God, for 
ever and ever. Amen. 

(The priest continues with the Mass, 
giving the Last Blessing and concluding 
with the Last Gospel.) 

108 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



A P P E N D I X B . 

RECOMMENDED READINGS 

Introductory Note: The literature on marriage and the family has grown so within the 
past decade it would be impractical to give a complete list in a small book such as 
ours. The list which follows, however, includes some of the better known Catholic 
authors and is meant to focus attention on the preparation aspect.—Ed. 

—Atwater, Donald (translator), BODY 
A N D SPIRIT. New York, Longmans, 
Green, 1939.—A collection of essays 
written from the viewpoint of agree-
ment with the teachings of the Catholic 
Church on sexuality and sexual rela-
tions. 

—Cissell, Robert and Helen, STRETCH-
ING THE FAMILY INCOME. 253 
pp. New York, Wagner, 1953.—A 
splendid, practical book, the contents 
of which are well described by the title. 

—Clemens, Alphonse H. (editor), MAR-
RIAGE A N D FAMILY RELATION-
SHIPS. 131 pp. Washington, The Cath-
olic University Press, 1950.—Selected 
papers from the first two workshops 
on marriage and family relationships 
held at the Catholic University in 1948 
and 1949. 

—Conway, Monsignor J. D., W H A T 
THEY ASK ABOUT MARRIAGE. 
322 pp. Chicago, Fides, 1955.—Ques-
tions and answers frequently confronted 
by the conductor of a marriage forum. 

—Doyle, Rev. Charles Hugo, CANA IS 
FOREVER, xii and 260 pp. Tarrytown, 
New York, The Nugent Press, 1949.— 
Essays on Christian Marriage for those 
contemplating it as a career and for 
those already married. 

—Egan, Rev. John J. (editor), THE 
CANA CONFERENCE. 100 pp. Chi-
cago, The Cana Conference of Chicago, 
1950.—A report of the proceedings 
of a study week for priests held in the 

Dominican House of Studies, River 
Forest, Illinois, in June 1949, under 
the direct auspices of His Eminence 
Samuel Cardinal Stritch. 

—THE CANA CONFERENCE, VOL. 
II. 100 pp. Chicago, The Cana Con-
ference of Chicago, 1951.—A report of 
the second Cana study week held for 
priests by the Cana Conference of 
Chicago. 

—Filas, S.J., Rev. Francis L., THE 
FAMILY FOR FAMILIES. Milwaukee, 
Bruce, 1950.—A book intended to 
show husbands and wives how to re-
produce in their own homes the spirit 
of holiness and happiness that prevailed 
in Bethlehem and Nazareth. (A paper-
back edition, $0.50, has been published 
by Lumen Books, Chicago.) 

—Healy, S.J., Rev. Edwin F., MAR-
RIAGE GUIDANCE, xvi and 411 pp. 
Chicago, Loyola University Press, 1948. 
—A study of the problems of the mar-
ried and those planning for marriage, 
written especially for use at the college 
level. 

—Hope, Wingfield, LIFE TOGETHER, 
vii and 199 pp. New York, Sheed and 
Ward, 1946.—A thoroughly Christian 
study of the "pattern for marriage" and 
family life. Recommended not only 
for those about to be married, but for 
all husbands and wives as well. 

—Jarrett, O.P., Rev. Bede, THE HOUSE 
OF GOLD. 292 pp. Westminster, Md., 
The Newman Press, 1930—A collec-

APPENDIX 109 



tion of Lenten sermons on marriage by 
the great English Dominican preacher. 

—Keenan, O.F.M., Rev. Alan and Ryan, 
John, F.R.C.S.E. MARRIAGE, A 
MEDICAL AND SACRAMENTAL 
STUDY. 337 pp. New York, Sheed 
and Ward, 1955. The title explains the 
content. 

—Kelly, S.J., Rev. Gerald, MODERN 
YOUTH AND CHASTITY. St. Louis, 
The Queen's Work, Ninth Printing, 
1949.—A careful presentation of the 
psychology of sex attraction and the 
moral principles to guide its expression. 
This booklet of 100 pages will answer 
most of the questions that arise during 
the courtship and will help to establish 
rules for healthy adjustment in married 
life. Pamphlet, $0.25. 

—Kelly, C.S.C., Rev. Philip C.M., THE 
CATHOLIC BOOK OF MARRIAGE, 
xiii and 297 pp. New York, Farrar, 
Straus and Young, 1951—The Marriage 
ceremony and counsels for success and 
happiness in married life. 

—Kenny, O.P., Rev. John P., PRINCI-
PLES OF MEDICAL ETHICS, xiii and 
208 pp. Westminster, Md., The New-
man Press, 1952.—Chapters Four, Five 
and Six are concerned especially with 
morals and marriage. 

—Kinsella, Rev. Leo J., THE WIFE DE-
SIRED. 168 pp. Techny, 111. Divine 
Word Missionary Publications, 1953.+-
A splendid treatment of the vocation 
of womankind. Paper. $0.50. 

—Kremer, Rev. Nicholas, LOVE'S ROSES 
AND THORNS. 331 pp. Techny, 111., 
The Mission Press, 1931.—Radio talks 
containing a wealth of commonsense 
told in a very delightful way. 

—Leclercq, Rev. Jacques, MARRIAGE 
AND THE FAMILY, xx and 395 pp. 
New York, Frederick Pustet Co., Re-
vised, 1948.—One of the best social 
studies of marriage. A scholarly treat-
ment with frequent philosophical and 
theological references, yet quite read-
able. 

—MacMahon, Rev. M. S., NAZARETH. 

278 pp. Westminster, Md., 1948.— 
Subtitled "A book of counsel and 
prayer for the married," this little book 
has a prayer for every possible occasion 
of married life, as well as special in-
structions for special problems. 

—Magner, Rev. James A., THE ART OF 
H A P P Y MARRIAGE. Milwaukee, 
Bruce, 1947.—A pleasing discussion of 
the problems before and after marriage. 

—Marriage Preparation Service, THIS IS 
A GREAT SACRAMENT. Ottawa, 
Ontario, Canada, The Marriage Prep-
aration Service, 1946.—In fifteen sepa-
rate lessons the problems are taken up, 
one by one, arranged with questions 
after each lesson to make study and 
review more attractive. Circululation is 
restricted to those specially recom-
mended by the clergy. 

—Messenger, Rev. E. C., TWO IN ONE 
FLESH.—Three volumes. Westminster, 
Md., The Newman Press, 1948.—A 
scholarly treatise of the Catholic view-
point on sex and marriage. 

—Mihanovich, Clement S., Schnepp, S.M., 
Brother Gerald and Thomas, S.J., Rev. 
John L„ A GUIDE TO CATHOLIC 
MARRIAGE. 320 pp.—A book by 
three experts in the field in which, as 
the preface says, "all who are married, 
who hope to marry, and who are pre-
paring themselves for marriage will 
find in these pages practically every-
thing that man, religion, and science 
know about marriage and family life." 

—National Catholic Welfare Conference, 
(A Committee of twenty-five of The 
Family Life Bureau) TOWARD HAP-
PINESS AND HOLINESS IN MAR-
RIAGE. Washington, 1955. — A mar-
riage preparation course of eleven les-
sons for engaged couples, patterned 
somewhat after the Ottawa course. 

—O'Brien, Rev. John A., HAPPY MAR-
RIAGE. 313 pp. Garden City, Hanover 
House, 1955. Father O'Brien has put 
into one volume an instructive and in-
spirational collection of his own writ-
ings and some from other authors too. 

110 ONE IN MIND, ONE IN HEART, ONE IN AFFECTIONS 



—'O'Neil, Rev. John F., OUR GREAT 
SACRAMENT. St. Mary's Church, 
Pawtucket, R. I.—Nine short chapters 
covering the essentials of prepartion for 
marriage. 

—Pius XII, Pope, MORAL QUESTIONS 
AFFECTING MARRIED LIFE. The 
Paulist Press, New York, 1951. The 
text of the Holy Father's Allocution 
delivered on October 29, 1951, to the 
delegates attending the Congress of the 
Italian Catholic Union of Midwives. 
—Sattler, Rev. Henry V., C.SS.R., PAR-
ENTS, CHILDREN A N D T H E 
FACTS OF LIFE. 270 pp. Paterson, 
N. J., St. Anthony Guild Press, 1952. 
—The value of this excellent volume 
is attested by its great popularity in 
the field of sex instruction, and also 
by the fact that it has appeared in a 
pocket-book edition by Image Books, 
Garden City, Long Island, N. Y. 

—Sheen, Most Rev. Fulton J., D.D., 
THREE TO GET MARRIED. 310 pp. 
New York, Appleton-Century-Crofts, 
1951.—A splendid treatment of the 
basic problems of love and marriage, 
by an outstanding author. 

—Thomas, S.J., Rev. John L., THE 
AMERICAN CATHOLIC FAMILY. 
471 pp. Englewood Cliffs, N. J., Pren-
tice-Hall, 1956.—An excellent "omni-
bus" in the field of family literature. 
It covers the sociological, psychological, 
philosophical, canonical and historical 
aspects of the American Catholic Fam-
ily. 

BEGINNING YOUR MAR-
RIAGE. 104 pp. Chicago, The Cana 
Conference of Chicago, 1956.—A brief 

instruction distributed through the 
clergy to engaged and married couples. 

—Vann, O.P., Rev. Gerald. CHRISTIAN 
MARRIED LOVE. Collegeville, Minn., 
1950—A profound study of the beauty 
of married love by a great theologian. 

—Yermeersch, S.J., Rev. A., W H A T IS 
MARRIAGE? New York, The Ameri-
can Press. The text of Pope Pius' En-
cyclical on Christian Marriage is broken 
down into 188 questions and answers. 
Splendid for study clubs. 

—Wayne, T. G., MORALS AND MAR-
RIAGE. New York, Longmans, Green, 
1936.—This small book with the sub-
title "The Catholic Background to Sex," 
is written by a professor of theology 
and a doctor of Catholic philosophy, a 
member of the English Province of the 
Order of Preachers. "T. G. Wayne" is 
a nom de plume. 

—Werth, O.F.M. Cap., Rev. Alvin and 
Mihanovich, Clement S. PAPAL PRO-
NOUNCEMENTS O N MARRIAGE 
AND THE FAMILY, From Leo XIII 
to Pius XII, 189 pp. Milwaukee, Bruce, 
1955. Arranged according to topics. 

PERIODICALS 

—The Family Digest, established and 
published by the late Most Rev. John F. 
Noll, D.D., Editor of Our Sunday Vis-
itor. Huntington, Indiana. $3.00 a year. 

—The Grail (a monthly digest-size mag-
azine for husbands and wives) edited 
in cooperation with the Cana Confer-
ence of Chicago. St. Meinrad, Indiana. 
$3.00 a year. 

APPENDIX 111 



I N 
Abortion 37 
Abstinence 36 
Adultery 91 
Affinity 91 
Age 91 
Aptitudes 61 
Artificial insemination 31 
Authority in home 41 
Banns 92 
Baptismal record 88 
Blessing, nuptial 94,107 
Blessing of ring 104 
Bond of marriage 25,91 
Breast feeding 74 
Budget 44 
Casti Connubii 41,99 
Chastity 15 
Children 67 
Christian Marriage 21,29,33 
"Cloudy Days" 48 
Compatibility 13 
Complementary nature 62 
Conception 60 
Consanguinity 91 
Continence 36, 78 
Contraception 33 
Contract of marriage 31 
Courtship, purpose of 12 
Crime, impediment of 91 
Date, double 17 
Date, setting ot 87 
Destroying impediments 90 
Discipline 41 
Economic factor 78 
Education, sex 70 
Effects of the Sacrament 23 
Engagement 18 
Eternal triangle 65 
Examination, physical 69 
Family, large 42 
Female physiology 58 
Fertility 76 
God's love 26 
Going steady 11 
Grace 97 
Happiness in marriage 38 
Head of family 40 
Heredity 53 
Holy Family 40 
Holy Orders 91, 100 
Impediments 89 

E X 
Impotency 32,91 
Institution of marriage 21 
Investigation, pre-nuptial 88 
Love 16, 24, 64, 80 
Maladjustments 72 
Male physiology 56 
Marriage act 37 
Marriage contract 31 
Marriage instruction 103 
Marriage, Mixed 90 
Marriage, Morals of 28 
Marriage, Nutre of 30 
Marriage, Purposes of 30 
Marriage, Rights of 31 
Marriage, Vocation of 9 
Mary, Mediatrix 101 
Mass, Nuptial 93, 106 
Mixed Marriage 14, 90 
"Modern Marriage" 51 
Modesty, Feminine 70 
Money 43 
Nature of Marriage 30 
Nuptial Blessing 94, 107 
Nuptial Mass 93, 106 
Novitiate to Marriage 9 
Parish priest 86 
Partnership 39 
Pregnancy 60 
Purposes of marriage 30 
Requirements, Physical 55 
Responsibility 47 
Rh factor 68 
Rhythm 34,81 
Rights in marriage 31 
Ring 17 
Ritual 103 
Sacrament of Matrimony 22 
Sacramental bond 25,91 
Sacramental grace 98 
Sacrifice 10 
Sanctifying grace 97 
Sex, Anatomy of 54 
Sex, education 70 
Sex, Physiology of 56 
Sex, Psychology of 60 
Spiritual relationship 91 
Sterilization 34 
Temptation 16 
Tongue, Guarding of 47 
Triangle, Eternal 65 
Vocation, Married 9, 27 





The liturgical symbol for the Sacrament of Matrimony re-

produced above is on the certificate presented by Bishop 

Bartholome, of St. Cloud, Minn., to all engaged couples who 

complete the marriage preparation course given in that diocese. 

This new, revised edition is the fourth printing of One in 

Mind, One in Heart, One in Affections, with 25,000 copies 

already in use by priests instructing couples for marriage, stu-

dents in the classroom and pre-Cana groups. This booklet is 

listed in "Publications and Other Information," published by 

the Family Life Bureau, N.C.W.C.