P R O B L E M S O F 

GouSitiltía 

and 

McWÜGXfZ 

7 

WILLIAM S. BOWDERN,S.J. 
m M w 

THE QUEEN'S WORK 
3742 West Pine Boulevard St. Louis, Mo. 





Problems of 

Courtship and Marriage 

By 

William S. Bowdern, S. J. 

THE Q U E E N ' S WORK 
3742 West Pine Boulevard 

St. Louis, Mo. 



Imprimi potest: 

Peter Brooks, S. J. 

Praep. Prov. Missourianae 

Nihil obstat: 

F. J. Holweck 

Censor Librorum 

Imprimatur: 

"i" Joannes J. Glennon 

Archiepiscopus Sti. Ludovici 

Sti. Ludovici, die 18 Novembrls 1938 

Seventh printing, February 1943 

A N T F I N A N C I A L PROFIT made by 
the Central Office of the Sodality 
will be used for the advancement 
of the Sodality Movement and the 
cause of Catholic Action. 

Copyright, 1939 

T H E QUEEN'S WORK, Inc. 

Deacfdified 



PROBLEMS OF 

Courtship and Marriage 

By 
William S. Bowdern, S. J. 

Dedicated 
To the Modest Young Women 

and 
To the Gallant Young Men 

Whose Love 
Perpetuates the Virtues 

Of Which 
Thomas Moore Sang 

The Legend: Such was the virtue among the men and women 
of Ireland in the reign of King Brian Boru (1000 A. D.) that it was 
said that a beautiful girl, laden with jewels and unaccompanied, 
could travel by day and night in perfect safety from one end of the 
country to the other. 

Rich and rare were the gems she wore, 
And a bright gold ring on her wand she bore; 
But, oh! her beauty was far beyond 
Her sparkling gems or snow-white wand. 

"Lady, dost thou not fear to stray, 
So lone and lovely, through this bleak way? 
Are Erin's sons so good or so cold 
As not to be tempted by woman or gold?" 

"Sir Knight, I feel not the least alarm; 
No son of Erin will offer me harm: 
For, though they love women and golden store, 
Sir Knight, they love honor and virtue more." 





Problems of 

COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE 
Love or Lust — Which? 

Is It Love 7 

Are you in love? And if you are in love, are you sure it is really 
love? Because if you are sure, you have nothing to fear; but if you 
are not sure, may heaven help you, for nothing is more destructive 
of love and of love's happiness than is the lust which masquerades 
as love. 

Love and lust are different from one another, as completely 
different as day is from night. And yet how many young men and 
young women come to realize this tremendous difference only when 
it is too late, only when lust has killed pure love, only when what 
seemed to be affection has shown itself to be sin and has debased 
what might have been a happy courtship and an even happier 
marriage. 

Failure to distinguish clearly between lust and love is the 
reason why there are so many sinful, saddened hearts in courtship, 
which is meant by God to be such a holy and happy time. Yes — 
holy and happy; we have paired these words deliberately. Sinful 
days can never be happy days. They may seem in the beginning to 
be happy days, but their close will bring sad hearts. For sin can 
bring neither happiness nor genuine peace to a heart that wants 
to be good. 

There can be happy and holy courtships and marriages only 
if young men and young women are what God intended them to be. 
It is to help young people to this end that this little booklet is 
written. 

The Sacredness of Marriage 

Marriage has ajways been sacred, but it has been doubly 
sacred since the time of Christ, who elevated marriage to the dig-
nity of a sacrament. Do most young people realize the full mean-
ing of that elevation? Christ placed marriage as a means of grace 
on the same plane with the holiest things we know: baptism, 
confirmation, penance, extreme unction, holy orders, and the Holy 



Eucharist itself. Even had there been doubt before, there can be 
none now — now that Christ has spoken. How sacred the duty and 
how great the privilege of a father and a mother! They are the 
instruments that God uses to bring into this world children made in 
His own image and likeness, children with immortal souls, chil-
dren whose destiny it is to be God's children in this world and in 
the next. 

The Enemies of Marriage 

The most malignant enemies of marriage are those foul-minded 
educators who interpret all life in terms of sex. Prom the most 
delicate flower to the most modest woman and the most gallant 
man—they see sex in everything and everything in sex. Sigmund 
Freud is their master, and his disciples are numerous. It is they 
who determine the philosophy of life in the many schools in which 
their theories are the norm of learning and the code of conduct. 

Small wonder that the pernicious principles which these edu-
cators proclaim beget free love and companionate marriage—new 
names for the old sins of fornication and adultery. And many are 
the young men and young women victims of these principles, young 
people whose early years were full of promise but who have come to 
know the pain and sorrow of broken, bleeding hearts and blighted 
dreams. And debauchery continues because there are fathers and 
mothers who, though perhaps overanxious about every ache and ill 
of their children's bodies, are apparently unconcerned about the 
tragic death of their children's souls. What is wrong with young 
people today? Why is it that morals have become lax? Look to the 
schools. There you have an answer. And if you have been so 
foolish as to entrust the education of your children to men and 
women whose principles of morality are in open conflict with the 
clear teaching of the pure Christ, demand from those educators an 
account of themselves. It is the very existence of such schools 
that makes the Church demand a Catholic education for her children. 
To educators like Freud—and there are many such in our secular 
schools—love and lust are interchangeable terms; but to you and 
to me and to God lust is as different from love as sin is from virtue, 

Courtship 

Marriage is beautifully sacred, and so should be the courtship 
that precedes marriage. Days of courtship are the days of love's 
young dream, the days that test youth's character. Courtship must 
be pure if it is to be happy; and pure and happy, it will provide the 
test of character that is necessary for a blessed and a happy 
marriage. 



It is true that some people manifest the ugly side of their 
character only af ter long years of married life. But at least some 
indication of compatibility or incompatibility for marriage is made 
manifest during courtship. If a young man and a young woman 
cannot get along agreeably before marriage, it is almost a certainty 
that they will not get along after marriage. Never marry with the 
idea of reforming your partner. In all probability your idea will 
never materialize. Life just doesn't work out that way. 

Courtship is necessary in the light of marriage. The period of 
courtship should be neither too long nor too short. It is absolutely 
necessary that courtship be noble and pure. Only too frequently 
an improper courtship results in an unhappy marriage. In order 
that courtship may be all that it should be, young men and young 
women must know clearly the strength and the weakness of human 
nature. To this end they must know well the history of the first 
man, Adam, and the first woman, Eve—the history of the fall and 
its terrible consequences. 

Before Adam Sinned 

Adam and Eve were our first parents. God created them 
directly and immediately and endowed them wonderfully in the 
order of grace. We were to have been created in that same wonder-
ful state. But Adam sinned. When God created Adam, He gave 
him the supernatural destiny of heaven and four wonderful gifts. 
The first of these gifts was the supernatural gift of grace, which was 
to make it easy for Adam to keep the simple command that God 
had given to him. The other three gifts were preternatural, i. e., 
beyond nature, gif ts that, while not above human nature, were in 
no way the just due of the creature man. These gifts that Adam 
had, we were to have had. The three preternatural gifts were 
immortality of body, which meant that we would never have suf-
fered physical pain and that we would not have been subject to 
death; infused knowledge, which meant that we would have been 
born with that knowledge which we must now labor to acquire; and 
freedom from concupiscence, which meant that we would have had 
perfect control over our sensual appetites and that we would never 
have experienced the involuntary promptings of the flesh toward 
sins of impurity, drunkenness, and the like. If you read the Scrip-
tures carefully, you will find that it was a sin of pride that preceded 
Adam's external act of disobedience and that eventually brought 
about the fall 



After Adam Sinned 

With Adam's sin came our many troubles. With the loss of 
freedom from concupiscence came the dangers that surround court-
ship. Had sin not entered the world, there would have been no 
lustful dangers in courtship and no reason for booklets of this 
nature. But Adam sinned, and he thereby lost for himself and for 
us these special gifts from God. His destiny, heaven, remained and 
was transmitted to us, but the supernatural gift of grace was taken 
away. But because of the merits of Christ, the possibility of grace 
was not irrevocably removed. Through the merits of Christ we can 
reclaim those graces that Adam lost for us. But the three preter-
natural gifts that were given to Adam—immortality of the body, 
infused knowledge, and freedom from concupiscence—were lost for 
us and will never be returned. Because Adam fell, man would have 
to fight against sickness and finally yield to death; he would have 
to struggle to educate himself; he would have to wage an incessant 
war against temptations to impurity and all other forms of im-
morality. No longer would the appetites of the senses be under 
the perfect command of reason; in order to subject those appetites, 
man would have to exert relentless effort and call upon the grace 
of God. Life was to be a warfare. With his intellect darkened 
and his will weakened because of the loss of those preternatural 
gifts, man would have to call frequently on the grace of God and 
on his own human resources in order to avoid the pitfalls of lust 
and of sin. 

The Effects on Courtship 

Foolish indeed is the young man or the young woman who fails 
to realize that Adam's fall has surrounded courtship with ever-
present dangers. It is t rue that young women, well trained and 
with high ideals, are generally not so strongly tempted through con-
cupiscence as are men. But that man has never lived — unless 
through a special grace of God, such as was given to a few saints— 
who is not always in danger's path when there is question of purity. 
Hence it is well for the young woman of today to be fully aware 
that her escort, no matter how good and well-intentioned he may 
be, is tempted strongly, and a t times violently, against the holy 
virtue of purity. That is the fact of the case, and all the sweet 
talk in the world cannot change it. Your escort, by simple reason 
of the fact that he is a man, is not different. He, like all other 
men, is subject to the destructive sweep of temptations against 
purity. And the best man in the world, even if it is he that is your 
escort, is no exception. 



Lust and Love 

Two short words—love and lust—monosyllables, four letters 
each. How powerful they are! How different one from the other! 
One is the denial of the other, means death to the other. For lust 
is truly the death of love. 

Love had its birth in heaven; lust was conceived in hell. Love 
is virtuous; lust is sinful. Love raises a man or a woman to holy 
heights; lust degrades a man or a woman to the level of the brute 
beast, and even lower. This is a hard saying, but not all the in-
genuity in the world will ever convert the rank weed of lust into 
the lily of purity. 

Love is the mighty weapon against concupiscence; lust is the 
cowardly surrender to concupiscence. Love is beautiful, noble, 
self-sacrificing, pure; it seeks the good of the beloved; there is not 
a selfish note in the song of love. Lust is hideous, base, selfish, 
impure; it seeks nothing outside itself. 

Love, if it is true, is pure and therefore the best preparation 
for marriage; it brings down the blessing of God upon a young 
man and the girl he loves. Lust, since it can never be true, is 
never pure and hence is the worst possible prelude to marriage; 
lust draws down, not God's blessing, but God's displeasure. If 
through courtship a man and a woman are encouraged in purity, 
then love is the basis of that courtship and enduring affection 
will be the result; if through courtship a man and woman are 
encouraged to impurity, then lust is the foundation of that court-
ship and evil and sin will be the result. 

Young people, especially young women, can never be too well 
instructed on this all important difference between love and lust. 
The two should never be confused. Many a girl, once beautiful 
in the eyes of God and of man because she was pure, can trace 
her broken heart and her wrecked life to her failure to realize 
the difference between lust and love. 

All the fine promises of affection, all the sweet expressions 
of endearment that are whispered to a girl are but lies and deceits 
of the vilest kind if it is lust tha t prompts those expressions. 
Every young man knows this. Every young girl should know it, 
for in many cases a girl's very ignorance in this matter may lead 
her to the brink of the danger. 

The young man who truly loves a girl guards her purity almost 
jealously. He would give his very life to protect and preserve it. 
And men of character, courage, and high ideals have been known 



to do jusf that very thing. Time was when to be a young woman's 
escort was to be the champion of her purity, the guardian of her 
virtue. There are such men today, thank God; and if their number 
is not legion, it should be. 

Heaven and Earth Tell the Story 

The story of true love is eternally beautiful and inspiring. It 
is the love of the Father and the Son from which proceeds the 
Holy Ghost. Love redeemed the human race af ter Adam's sin had 
closed the gates of heaven to mankind. The way of Christ from 
the crib to the cross—through Galilee, Samaria, and Judea—was a 
way of love, love for men and women, young and old, saint and 
sinner; love now for John, now for Mary Magdalen, now for Martha, 
now for Dismas dying on the cross beside Him—love for you and 
for me. The greatest love story in the world is the story of Christ 
on the cross. His was the supremely pure, courageous, and com-
pletely unselfish love. 

The love of a mother for her child is an example of exalted 
love. No one questions the essentially pure and self-sacrificing 
character of such a love. So too is the love between a good hus-
band and a devoted wife, faithful through long years of sacrifice. 

The love of a soldier for his country is an example of genuine 
love. We are all proud of that splendid patriot Nathan Hale, whose 
dying regret was that he had only one life to give for his country. 
There was no selfishness there; he had given his all. 

And so runs each story of true love. All the great and noble 
achievements that are recorded in the history of man have been 
motivated and carried to completion by enduring, unselfish love. 

Love has always been the inspiration of all that is good in 
the achievements of men; it is lust that has always written red 
pages of sin in man's record. When lust ruled the world in the 
time of Noe, God sent the deluge and destroyed the entire human 
race except Noe and his family. God reduced to ashes the cities 
of Sodom and Gomorrha because of the lust of the inhabitants. 
The destruction of Tyre and Sidon bespeaks forever God's hatred 
of lust. 

Nature herself has exacted penalties of destruction from nations 
that exalted the vices of lust and trod on the virtues of purity: 
Golden Greece fell; proud Rome fell, victim of her vices (the 
lustful courtship of Antony and Cleopatra is but a single instance 
of the widespread immorality of the old Rome); France, the 
country of the sainted crusader King Louis IX, knew the pains of 

— 10 — 



punishment when, under the guidance of de Pompadour and du 
Barry, she turned , her kingly palace into a brothel. And the world 
cannot number the millions of men and women on whose lips the 
kiss of would-be love has turned to the cold gray ashes of lust. 
For lust is sin, and sin is a ruthless, exacting master. 

Only for Catholics? 

For some unknown reason many non-Catholics—and even some 
Catholics—hold that the Church's sane and just laws and rules that 
govern courtship and marriage apply only to Catholics. Certainly you 
have often heard non-Catholics, and even Catholics, say that it is 
hard to be a Catholic because of the Catholic teaching on love in 
courtship and in marriage. Well the fact of the matter is that these 
laws on love and marriage are just as binding on pagans and non-
Catholics as they are on Catholics. 

Let us take the case of a Christian, one who believes in God 
and has been baptized. Even if he looks to no ruling body for his 
guide in faith, he believes in the Bible. To many Protestants the 
Bible means everything—the one thing to which they cling. And 
the Bible is uncompromising in its condemnation of lust and im-
purity. Let the Protestant read his Bible and learn its lessons: 
There is the story of the sin of Onan, the story of the deluge, the 
record of the complete destruction of Sodom and Gomorrha—all 
stories of sins of impurity and consequent punishments. 

The Catholic Church didn't write the Ten Commandments; let 
the Protestant read particularly the sixth and the ninth command-
ments (some Protestants number these commandments as the 
seventh and tenth), which clearly condemn lust. Certainly no 
Protestant can claim the slightest exemption from the doctrine of 
purity which the Catholic Church teaches, that doctrine which 
the Protestant can find clearly given in his Bible and in the Ten 
Commandments. 

But purity was made known to men even before there was 
God's spoken or written word. The doctrine of purity has always 
been known to man through the natural law—that law which is 
written in the l^eart of. every man, be he Catholic, Protestant, Jew, 
or pagan. It doesn't require much reasoning from the most funda-
mental precepts of the .natural law to realize that any man who 
has the use of reason and even the slightest self-respect must 
acknowledge that purity and the consequent reverence and respect 
due women is binding upon every human being. 

— 11 — 



Sadly enough there are Catholic girls who plead in defense of 
their non-Catholic escort: "But, father, he isn't a Catholic—he 
doesn't regard this as sinful." But he does, and don't ever let 
him convince you that he doesn't. And if his standards are such 
that they flout Catholic teaching on love, then he is not fitting 
company for you or anyone else who lays the slightest claim to 
decency and self-respect. He is rotten, and his company can mean 
only your ruin. 

This alleged difference of opinion figures prominently and works 
great havoc in cases of mixed marriages. The non-Catholic hus-
band or the non-Catholic wife may say to the Catholic: "Artificial 
birth control is not wrong; the Catholic Church merely tries to make 
you believe that it is wrong. We are going to have only as many 
children as we want, and we are going to conduct our marriage 
relations as we please." The non-Catholic is wrong, and he knows 
that he is wrong. The law of God binds him as it does you. Neither 
you nor he is f ree to break that law. If you do break that law, 
you are sinning and barring from your home the grace and bless-
ings of God, for where sin is, God cannot be. Sin and God's presence 
are mutually exclusive. When sin enters a home, God must leave 
that home. When God enters with His graces, sin must leave. And 
the married couple, whether or not the marriage is a mixed marriage, 
know that they must choose between God and sin. 

None of the Priest's Business 

There is the Catholic whose comment on sin in courtship or 
in marriage is: "I don't confess it because it is none of the priest's 
business." Such a person has closed all doors to God's grace and 
to right living. Undoubtedly it is sin, and the forgiveness of sin 
is certainly God's business; hence it is of necessity the business 
of the priest, whom God has appointed as the mediator in the for-
giveness of all your sins. And the Catholic who conceals a serious 
sin like a sin against purity is guilty of a sacrilege and would have 
done better if he had not come to confession. For he leaves the 
confessional with sin—and the knowledge of sin—on his soul 
and has thereby added one more terrible sin to his guilt—the sin 
of sacrilege. And the communion which follows—if he is brazen 
enough to receive Holy Communion in such a state—is the traitorous, 
sacrilegious communion of a Judas Iscariot, who, some say, received 
the body and blood of Christ before he departed into the night 
to execute his terrible- betrayal. Some maintain that even Judas 
did not sink so low, that he left the supper room before committing 
the crime that would have been blacker than his actual treachery. 

— 12 — 



If you have sinned with another in courtship or in marriage, at least 
come back to Christ—and the road hack leads you to the feet of 
the priest, the ambassador of Christ. 

The Beauty of Purity 

"God made man a little less than the angels." For the angels 
are pure spirits, and man is composed of spirit and matter—soul 
and body. But purity is the virtue that makes man greater than 
the angels. The angels have no need to fight impurity; man must 
wage war against the sins of the flesh. So it is that a man rises to 
the greatest heights when he remains pure in face of the tempta-
tions of the flesh. 

God could choose His own mother; and He chose Mary, a young 
Jewish maiden perhaps sixteen or seventeen years old, the purest 
of all women. John, the virgin Apostle, was the disciple "whom 
Jesus loved." Little children, pure in their youthful innocence, 
were very dear to the master. And those who would scandalize these 
pure little ones Christ threatened with terrible punishments. 

In the successive trial scenes in the Passion, Christ appeared 
before many judges. The only one to whom Christ did not deign the 
courtesy of an answer was the lustful Herod. Christ spoke to the 
weak-kneed, time-serving Pilate, whose cowardice precipitated His 
crucifixion; but for the impure Herod He had not a single word. 

Long is the list of the saints of God whose glory was their 
purity. They too had temptations, often greater ones than you or 
I have had, but these saints had the courage and the love of 
purity that brought them in glory to the throne of Christ in heaven. 
The pure are they who will "follow the Lamb withersoever He 
goeth." In the sermon on the mount Christ said for all the world 
to hear: "Blessed are the clean of heart, for they shall see God." 
The lustful, the impure cannot see God because their eyes are 
riveted to the things of the earth; they cannot raise their eyes 
to heaven because their hearts are with the things of the flesh. 

The thousands of priests, sisters, brothers, and lay men and 
women, married and single, young and old, throughout the Catholic 
world, serving Christ in purity of life, are the boast and glory of 
the Catholic Church. She points to them as the flowering fruit of 
the Church that is holy. They are the living proof that the Church 
is divinely founded. 

Even pagan Greece and Rome paid homage to the ten vestal 
virgins, women who because of their purity were chosen to keep 
the temple fires burning. Romans who were decaying physically 

— 13 — 



and spiritually assigned these women a place of honor in the 
festivals. Rotten themselves, they had not fallen so low that they did 
not at least admire and respect virtue in others. And many are 
those not of the Catholic faith whose lives are holy, thank God, 
in spite of the tragically false teaching of their churches concern-
ing divorce, remarriage, and birth control. 

The Place of Women 

In an age that exalts the achievements of men, women can 
well boast that the fairest and finest creature, the masterpiece of 
all God's creation, was a woman, the Blessed Virgin Mary. The 
Protestant English poet Wordsworth paid Mary mankind's com-
pliment when he wrote of her: 

"Woman! above all women glorified, 

Our tainted nature 's solitary boast, 

Purer than foam on central ocean tossed . . ." 

God placed woman on a pedestal. He did this in order that 
men would have to look up to see her. She was to be his inspira-
tion; she it was who would make man look up to see her and 
thus see God, who made her. 

How foolish for women to talk of their equality with men. 
It is not a question of equality; it is rather a question of woman's 
place as distinct from man's place. And as long as she remains 
there—on the somewhat higher plane on which God has placed 
her—she will be respected, admired, and loved. But when she 
falls, she falls lower than a man can fall, not that there is a double 
standard of morality, but that her fall has been from a height 
greater than his. Woman maintains her position of honor only as 
long as she guards her modesty, her fairest adornment. But let 
her fall into the mire of lust and impurity, and the very man who 
was responsible for her fall will cease to love her and will leave 
her. The man who has stolen the maidenly virtue of a woman has 
never respected that woman, even though he may have protested 
that he loved her. 

If he loves her, he must respect her; his lust is the very 
denial of respect. The man who looks on a girl and lusts af ter 
her is the worst enemy of that girl. When will young girls come 
to understand and realize this? To young girls we give this injunc-
tion: Set down as lies of the vilest sort any words or actions of 
a young man that lead you to be less modest. 

— 14 — 



His Sister 

Whether or not young women suspect it, every decent young 
man regards his sister as a paragon of virtue; of her he will think 
nothing but what is most pure, most good. To protect her virtue, 
he would lay down his life. Sisters sometimes get the impression 
that their brothers are indifferent toward them; perhaps they feel 
that their brothers rarely give them more than a passing thought 
or consideration. But the fact is that every young man places his 
sister on a pedestal, and woe betide the man who looks at her 
with lustful eyes. 

So every girl can test the genuineness of her escort's affection. 
If the young man would be in the least improper in her presence, 
let her ask him what his feelings would be if on his return home 
some evening he found his sister being improperly embraced by a 
young man. If the escort is honest, he will admit that his anger 
would know no bounds. Why? Because in his heart of hearts he 
knows that such conduct arises from lust, not from love; he knows 
that such conduct will eventually lead to the ruin of his sister. 

Let every young woman therefore demand of her escort the 
same respect that he demands that other men have for his sister; 
let every young man reverence the girl he loves with the same 
reverence that he accords his sister. Such respect is the life of 
true love; the absence of such respect is the death of true love. 

The Commandments of Purity 

The sixth and ninth commandments deal exclusively with God's 
condemnation of impurity. They forbid everything impure not only 
in act but also in word and in thought. 

Every man is confronted with many thoughts of impurity, 
thoughts that he has not invited. These he must fight insistently; 
these he can overcome with the grace of God and his own relentless 
resistance. These thoughts come to him against his will; he has 
no part in their attack. So through his victory over them he 
becomes one of God's heroes. 

But we are not talking here of these temptations which come 
against the will; many of God's greatest saints have had such 
temptations. We are concerned here with those temptations that 
are of the man's or the girl's own making. Such temptations the 
man brings upon himself, or they are brought upon him by the 
young woman who should want him to be pure. How foolish and 
treacherous is tli6 girl who by h.6r manner invites in h6r escort 

— 15 — 



conduct which spells the end of his and her purity—and the end 
of love. And impure thought knowingly and willingly entertained 
is a mortal sin.* 

Sin—an Angel Becomes a Devil 

Do not make light of sin, not even sins of thought. One sin 
of thought changed an angel into a devil. Before his fall Lucifer 
was serving close to the throne of God. He sinned once, in thought; 
because of that one sin of thought Lucifer the angel was changed 
into Lucifer the devil. Adam sinned once—his first sin was one 
of thought—and because of that sin all men lost heaven, and upon 
the world descended sickness, death, hatred, war, pestilence, famine, 
and. all evil—all the result of Adam's sin. Look at your crucifix: 
It tells the story of sin. We through sin put Christ there. We are 
the deicides; we killed the Son of God. Sins of courtship and of 
marriage help to explain Good Friday. 

What Does God Say About Impurity? 

Never let anyone tell you that God's laws about courtship 
and marriage apply only to Catholics. For many Protestants the 
Bible is the rule of faith and morals. In the Bible, God says clearly: 

"Thou shall not commit adultery." (Ex. xx, 14.) 

"Neither Shalt thou desire his wife." (Ex. xx, 17.) 

"The body is not for fornication, but for the Lord, and 
the Lord for the body." (1 Cor. vi, 13.) 

"Know you this and understand, that no fornicator, or 
unclean, or covetous person . . . hath inheritance in the 
kingdom of Christ and of God." (Eph. v, 5.) 

"If what he charged her with be true, and virginity be 
not found in the damsel, they shall cast her out of the doors 
of her father 's house, and the men of the city shall stone 
her to death, and she shall die." (Deut. xxii, 20-21.) 

Not only are gross actions of impurity forbidden by God's 
commandments; not only are impure touches forbidden; but all 
impure thoughts and desires are also forbidden. Read what God 
has said about these: 

"How long shall hurtful thoughts abide in thee?" 
(Jer. Iv, 14.) 

•N. B. A word to the scrupulous: Always follow the advice of 
your regular confessor. 

— 16 — 



"I made a covenant with my eyes, that I would not so 
much as think upon a virgin." (Job xxxi, 1.) 

"Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pil-
grims, to refrain yourselves from carnal desires which war 
against the soul." (I Pet. li, 11.) 

"For perverse thoughts separate from God." (Wis. I, 3.) 

"Evil thoughts are an abomination to the Lord." (Prov. 
xv, 26.) 

"Wine and women make wise men fall off." (Ecclus. 
xix, 2.) 

Never Forget This Text 

Should a young man and a young woman forget the laws of 
purity and then seek to defend their lust with the pretext that it 
is love, let them read and remember to their dying day the clear 
and terrible words that Christ spoke on matters of impure and 
lustful thoughts and desires. The following text, from Saint 
Matthew's Gospel, if memorized by every young person who Is 
keeping company, will help to keep the young man noble and 
chaste and the young woman pure and good. Let those who indulge 
in passionate kissing, lustful embraces, "petting," "necking," and 
passionate "good nights" never forget these terrible words uttered 
by the ail-loving Christ. They are as true today as they were on 
the day that He spoke them in Galilee. They are a warning to 
every man and every young woman in courtship. In the text the 
word scandalize is used in the sense of being an occasion of sin. 
The meaning is that if your hand is an occasion of sin to you, 
cut it off rather than lose your soul. We are taught to fly the 
immediate occasions of sin, though our desire for them may be 
as great as our need of a hand or an eye. 

"But I say to you, that whosoever shall look on a woman to 
lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart. 

"And if thy right eye scandalize thee, pluck it out and cast It 
from thee. For it is expedient for thee that one of thy members 
should perish, rather than thy whole body be cast Into hell. 

"And if thy right hand scandalize thee, cut It off, and cast it 
from thee; for it is expedient for thee that one of thy members 
should perish, rather than that thy whole body go Into hell." (Matt, 
v, 28-30.) 

Kissing 

Is kissing a sin? That question is asked more frequently by 
young women than it is asked by young men. Why? Because girla 

— 17 — 



in their innocence do not see its danger; young men do. Ninety 
per cent of the vilest sins of impurity—and that is a conservative 
estimate—have had their beginning in kisses. 

Is kissing a sin? It is a mortal sin knowingly and willingly 
to consent to impurity in deed, in word, or in thought. If kissing 
leads to such impurity, even of thought, it is without doubt a sin; 
and all the sweet talk in the world will never make it otherwise. 
God has in the sixth and the ninth commandments condemned all 
impurity, and the Church has promulgated His teachings through-
out the centuries. 

Is kissing a sin? A kiss of pure affection is not a sin, because 
it does not provoke the sins about which we have been talking. 
But certainly prolonged passionate kissing or the kissing which 
is accompanied by a close, passionate embrace is generally at 
least a serious occasion of mortal sin, if it is not already grievously 
sinful. "Soul kissing" might be better named "soul killing"; such 
a kiss with the tongues is a serious threat to a young man's purity, 
if it has not already steeped his soul in mortal sins of thought 
and desire. We would hesitate to mention this degrading practice 
here if we did not desire the protection of countless young women 
whose very innocence of the strong passions of men can be their 
downfall. 

"Petting" and "Necking" 

Are "petting" and "necking" sinful? In the light of the very 
clear commandment which brands as sin all impure thoughts, 
desires, words, and actions, the answer to this question is very 
easy. It is fatal for a girl to forget that the desires of the flesh 
are very active in the young man with whom she is going. He may 
insist that "necking" and "petting" do not arouse lustful desires 
in him. But his very denial of these desires is a bare-faced lie, 
and his deception will steal from you the very virtue which can 
make you truly loved by a decent man. 

All passionate embracing and kissing and all impure touches 
are most certainly wrong. Let me ask young men and young women 
this question: Why will a young man touch a girl impurely? There 
is only one answer to that question—and every young man knows 
that answer by heart . He does so simply and solely because he 
derives a sexual pleasure from it, a pleasure that he knows is sinful. 
That is the answer. And it is an answer that you young women 
must know and never forget. Forget it, and you sacrifice your purity, 
lower yourself in the esteem of decent men and women. And more: 
The young man who has professed his love for you and acted im-

— 18 — 



purely with you no longer respects you, cannot truly love you, 
and in all likelihood will never marry you, because a young man 
wants the girl he marries to be pure. 

Young men, would you allow a young man to "pet" or "neck" 
with your sister? If you would, you are anything but the gallant, 
pure, virile man you should be. Young women, always go back to 
this test : Never allow to the young man that you are going out 
with anything that he would not allow to the escort of his own 
sister. And whether or not he admits it to you, he would not allow 
any young man to degrade his own sister. 

It is wrong and sinful—considering the passions of men—to 
indulge in "petting" and "necking." Do not seek excuse in the 
statement: "But everybody does it." That statement is not true. 
There are thousands of young women who do not allow a young 
man to touch them improperly. If you don't know such girls, then 
it does not speak well for the circle of your friends. And in any 
case no matter how your friends and acquaintances conduct them-
selves, the fact remains unaltered: God forbids all impure thoughts, 
desires, words, and actions. There are many souls in hell today 
who said: "But everybody does it," and forgot to complete the 
sentence: "and goes to hell if the sin Is not forgiven." 

Some young women have said: "But a girl isn't asked out a 
second time if she doesn't allow the young man to act in this 
way." Then thank God that such a young man does not ask you 
out again; the very fact that he will not ask you out again is 
proof positive that he regarded you only with lustful eyes. He 
didn't love you; he wanted only to sin with you. And he proves 
that by the very fact that he does not want to be with you if you 
wish to be decent. If sin is the price of his company, he is not much 
of a man; and you are a lucky girl if you never see him again. 

Drinking 

It is not a sin to drink, but it is always a sin to drink too 
much. The man or woman who loses the use of reason through 
excessive drinking commits a mortal sin and thereby descends to 
a level lower than that of the brute beast. It is intellect that 
distinguishes man from the animal; when a man paralyzes his in-
tellect, he becomes lower than the animal. But you will say:, I 
never do that. We hope not, and for this reason we shall deal here 
with drinking that does not end in drunkenness. 

— 19 — 



What effect does drinking have on courtship? Drink adds 
fuel to concupiscence; it increases the force of temptations to 
impurity; it weakens the powers of the intellect; it lowers the 
resistance of the will. Many a young man and young woman who 
normally would not think of lust have ruined their courtship and 
destroyed their love through drinking. The danger is ever present, 
and foolish are the young people who refuse to see it and recognize 
it for what it is. 

The prohibition that was sponsored by the defunct Eighteenth 
Amendment did not make for virtue; temperance and voluntary 
total abstinence are recommended and commendable. The man 
who does not drink is neither weak nor effeminate. Quite the con-
trary; he is strong. And the girl who prizes her virtue and de-
mands self-respect will make it a habit not to drink when she is 
in the company of young men. Many are the young women whose 
saddened lives attest the wisdom of such a habit. 

For young people to declare that a party without highballs 
lacks goodfellowship and sociability is a sorry admission of stupidity. 
A maximum of education or social grace is not required to carry 
on an interesting conversation without the stimulation of whiskey. 
For youth to insist that liquor is essential to gaiety is for youth 
to brand itself with a mental status that is far down in the scale 
of intelligence. The "life" of the party that is inspired by high-
balls is too often the death of the soul. 

Parking 

Young people in parked automobiles have brought about some 
of the world's greatest tragedies of immorality. How many pure 
young men and innocent girls have fallen into impurity for the 
first time in parked automobiles, where the sin lust is mistaken 
for the Virtue love. Parked automobiles, scenes of passionate kiss-
ing, "petting," and "necking," are veritable graveyards in which 
are buried the innocence and purity of thousands upon thousands of 
young men and young women. Such conduct is not prompted by 
love, because love is unselfish and seeks the good of the beloved; 
such conduct arises from lust, the most selfish sin, which seeks 
impure self-satisfaction at the expense of the goodness and virtue 
of the so-called beloved. 

We must remember the story of the concupiscence of the flesh 
and the fall of man. Even under the most favorable conditions 
every young man has to struggle to keep pure; and certainly park-
ing for such purposes is anything but a favorable condition. God 
said: "He who loves the danger will perish In it." How well these 

— 20 — 



words apply to this situation. Young women, because they are less 
exposed to the temptations than are young men, must be made to 
realize this danger. What decent girl wishes to drag down into 
the mire of impurity the young man whom she loves? And yet 
because she is less easily tempted than is her escort, the girl fails 
to see that she is destroying his virtue and their love. She allows 
the young man to park his automobile and to become passionately 
affectionate toward her ; lust is the inevitable consequence. And 
lust is the death of love. For when lust enters the heart, love leaves; 

• and love is not nurtured by this kind of parking. 

Good Night 

Next to parking, the most dangerous occasion to a pure court-
ship is the passionate good night between a young man and a young 
woman. They have been in each other's company all evening, and 
their conduct has been honorable and virtuous. At the end of the 
evening's entertainment the young man accompanies the girl to 
her home. Instead of bidding her good night when they arrive at 
her house, he accompanies her inside. The hour is late; other 
members of her family have retired for the evening. The young 
man and the young woman are alone and unobserved. Such an 
occasion not only can be but often has been the ruin of a pure 
courtship. 

The young man, having the most honorable intentions, may 
wish to kiss the girl before he leaves. He intends the kiss to be a 
pure token of love. But child of Adam that he is, he will most 
probably be tempted to impurity unless he does not protract his 
stay. When the kiss has become one of passion, when he lays 
an improper hand on the girl he loves, he is acting through lust 
and not love—he is sinning, though the girl may not at the time 
realize it. 

If they wish to be in each other's company for another fifteen 
minutes or so, let them prolong the evening's entertainment that 
much longer. But when they arrive at the young woman's home, 
let them keep the good night from becoming the black night of sin. 
Let the young man who esteems his virtue and truly loves the girl 
bid her good night at the door and allow her to enter alone. In 
this way each will be a protection for the other, and their love, a 
pure love, will increase. 

Do You Wish to Be Pure? 

We are told in Scripture that purity is a virtue which we carry 
around with us in frail vessels. In other words purity is a virtue 

— 21 — 



that can easily be lost. To remain pure is a big task; it calls for 
the best that is in man and woman. Alone—without the grace of 
God—we cannot accomplish this task; with His grace we are all-
powerful. 

We obtain the grace of God through prayer and the sacraments. 
In confirmation we are made soldiers of Christ, but we become 
weak and cowardly soldiers unless we nurture that divine gift with 
prayer and the frequent reception of the sacrament of confession 
and Holy Communion. Holy Communion is the "wine that makes 
virgins." Holy Communion makes a young man strong and pure. 
To excuse yourself from frequent communion on the ground that 
you are not worthy is foolish. No one, not even the saint, is worthy. 
But Holy Communion isn't a reward for virtue; it is an essential 
means of becoming good and remaining good. Christ gave us Him-
self in the Blessed Sacrament as an aid to virtue; we cannot be 
good without Him. And certainly young people in courtship need 
the Blessed Sacrament in order to remain pure and to keep their 
innocent, honorable love from degenerating into sinful, degrading 
lust. So receive Holy Communion frequently—at least once a week, 
every day if possible. This may require a sacrifice on your part, 
but everything good calls for sacrifice, and this sacrifice will 
reward you a hundredfold. 

You Don't Wish to Be Pure Unless . . . 

The grace of God is necessary for you if you wish to be pure, 
but you must cooperate with that grace; you must dispose your 
will toward the reception of that grace. Grace was not wanting 
to Judas Iscariot, yet he refused to cooperate with that grace, be-
trayed Christ, and died in despair. 

This necessity for cooperation with God is something of which 
young people in courtship can never be too conscious. Avoid the 
occasions of sin. If you know that someone or something is an im-
mediate occasion of sin for you, avoid that person or thing. Reread 
Christ's words that are quoted on page 17. 

There are many young people who receive the sacraments 
frequently, attend many novena services, attend the Tuesday serv-
ices to Our Lady of Perpetual Help, hear Mass and receive Holy 
Communion on first Fridays—all with the intention of not sinning 
against purity in their courtship. 

And yet very often these young people do not take the clearly 
natural means at their command to avoid the proximate and imme-
diate occasions of sinning against purity. They wish to be pure; 

— 22 — 



they pray to be pure; and yet they will park their car in some 
lonely place and knowingly put themselves in danger of losing 
their purity. Or they will with full knowledge of the consequences 
remain alone together for a long time in the young woman's home, 
indulging in conduct which, if not actually sinful, may be the 
proximate occasion of sin. They attend special church services 
and devotions, and then they insist upon indulging in "petting," 
and "necking." Such people do not really will to be pure; their 
plea for purity is a mockery; their sorrow in confession is hypocrisy; 
and their Holy Communion, if they are aware of what they have 
been doing, is a sacrilege. 

With their lips they pray for virtue, they protest that they 
want to be pure and good; but by their actions they proclaim to 
all the saints in heaven that they will have nothing to do with 
purity. They pray to God for purity, and then they expect Him 
to save them from sin when they knowingly and willfully place 
themselves in the immediate occasions of sin. Is it surprising then 
that they fall? Why it is a miracle if they do not fall under such 
conditions. Even the saints could not remain pure under such 
conditions. 

The first, the absolutely necessary thing that these young 
people must do is put a stop to parking that leads to sin and to 
the good nights that turn love to lust. And until young men and 
young women do this, their prayers for purity will continue to be 
lies upon their lips. Unless young people stop all passionate kiss-
ing and embracing, all "petting" and "necking," their protests for 
purity are so much hollow hypocrisy. 

Married Men and Women—Divorced Men and Divorcées 

It is always wrong to keep company with a married man or 
woman or with a divorced man or woman. Our present economic 
system has done some little good and much more harm by placing 
women in the offices of businessmen. It is of course true that there 
are in business offices throughout the country many gallant men 
and honorable women who are a credit to the human race, but it 
is not of them that we speak. They have no part in the widespread 
moral ruin, in the breaking of homes and hearts that have followed 
upon woman's taking a place in the business world. 

But there are men—and their number is not small—who are 
quite willing to take advantage of the fact that some innocent girl 
has through economic necessity been, forced to work for them. 
And hanging is too good for such men.,; ¡Frequently they begin their 

— 23 — 



treacherous attention by offering the "courtesy" of a ride home 
or of a quiet lunch together. There is a certain specious gallantry 
in a married man's taking his secretary home from work, but such 
practice often leads to sin, and it is always dangerous. 

Wise and virtuous is the young woman who keeps her relations 
with her employer strictly businesslike and who limits those rela-
tions to the hours of work. She has no time and no inclination 
to listen to her employer's seductive lies about his "unappreciative . 
wife," who of course never understands him. That story of the 
misunderstood husband is as old as is the business world itself. 
The fact of the mat ter is that such a self-pitying husband is not 
worthy of his wife; she has more sense and more virtue than he 
can ever hope to have. And even if there is a grain of truth in 
the stories, a girl is foolish to allow herself to listen to or to be 
affected by them. 

If she accepts the attentions of a married man, she is commit-
ting a serious sin and is working upon herself one of the greatest 
of injustices. More; she is guilty of wrecking a home. Let us re-
verse the picture. Suppose she herself were married. What would 
she think of the young woman who accepted the attentions of her 
husband? The fact that a man or a woman has been civilly 
divorced does not make a particle of difference in this situation. 
In the eyes of God man and wife are united for life; no civil decree 
can break that permanent union. Therefore it is seriously wrong 
to keep company with a divorced man or a divorcée. Even if no 
other sin is connected with such keeping of company, there is 
always the danger of sin or scandal. That scandal arises from the 
fact that a single person is keeping company with a married person 
—and remember that all divorced men and divorcées are included 
in the category of married men and women. 

There are too many cases in which the company-keeping be-
tween a single and a divorced person has led to civil marriage— 
which is in such instances just a polite name for the terrible sin 
of adultery. Don't say: "But there is no danger in my going with 
this married person, because we are not serious about each other." 
Thousands of young men and young women have said the same 
thing before you, and their "innocent" friendships have frequently 
ended in an adulterous marriage. Even if you have no serious in-
tentions of marriage, even if the person with whom you are going 
treats you with perfect respect, you may not keep company with 
him or her, for the simple reason that he or she is married. This 
advice applies especially to girls, not that there is a double standard 
of morality, but that the innocent girl is the one who is duped. 

— 24 — 



Let married men and women, even though divorced, recall the 
solemn pledge they made at the altar of God when they were 
married; let the young men and young women who would keep 
company with these married people consider the sacred contract 
that was made between husband and wife. The very memory of the 
words of that pledge should show you unmistakably what is wrong 
with such company-keeping. Here are the words that are spoken in 

^ marriage, as binding throughout all life as they are on the happy 
' day on which they are spoken: 

"I, , take thee, ..-. for 
my lawful wife (husband), to have and to hold, from this 
day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, 
in sickness and in health, until death do u^ part." 

A Real Man 

This section is particularly for young men. You know what 
we mean when we say that a certain boy has "what it takes" to 
make a football player or a basketball player or any other kind of 
an athlete. In the language of the football field we say that he has 
"guts." And by that we mean that a certain boy is game, that he 
has courage, that he is a real man; we mean that he is not a 
quitter, he is not "yellow," he is not a coward.! Every boy admires 
the man who has this courage; every boy despises the man who 
doesn't have it. 

But the young man who has courage on the football field may 
be the biggest quitter in the game when it comes to the fight for 
purity. It sometimes happens that the greatest hero of the football 
field is the greatest coward when it comes to a game that requires 
real manhood. It takes far more courage for a boy to fight with 
perseverance against impurity than it takes "to hit the line" against 
a tough football team. The football hero is cheered by thousands 
of people; the hero in the game of purity may be unknown to the 
thousands in the stands, but he is cheered by the millions of unseen 
angels in heaven and is acclaimed a hero by his captain Christ. 

Yes, only a real man can be pure; only a young man who is 
tough in the good sense treats a girl with respect. It doesn't take 
courage to be impure. The most spineless, cowardly man in the 
world can be—and usually is—impure. The greatest rake, the 
most cowardly man who ever lived, can match you sin of impurity 
for sin of impurity. But there is no credit in that, no decency, no 
manhood, no courage. On the contrary, impurity stamps a man as 
a quitter, "yellow," spineless—in a word, a coward. 

— 25 — 



The toughest boys are the pure boys; and don't think that 
other boys don't admire them for that purity. In order to be tough 
in the good sense you don't have to be an athlete, or weigh two 
hundred pounds, or talk out of the corner of your mouth. But you 
do have to be a perfect gentleman and every inch a man. You 
may be sickly, anemic, anything but athletic, but you are none-
theless made of real stuff; you have what it takes to be a real man. 

Cadet Byrne 

Cadet Byrne of West Point was a thorough athlete, physically 
and morally. In 1909, in his senior year at West Point, Cadet Byrne 
was the s tar tackle on the Army team. Came the day of the big 
game against Harvard. In the course of the game Cadet Byrne 
stood out on the line as a wall of strength. Pew yards were made 
through him. Then he went down, injured on a play. But he got 
up and stayed in the game. The next play came his way. As usual 
he was in on it. For the second time he went down, injured, but 
this time never to rise again; his neck was broken. He was carried 
from the field, and he died shortly after . 

Every cadet at the Point was heartsick, for "Easy" Byrne was 
well loved. He was a Catholic who all his life had been known to 
live up to his high principles. Whenever and wherever Cadet Byrne 
appeared there was no dirty talk, no questionable story—and he 
was admired for this influence that he wielded. He wasn't "soft"; 
he was tough in the sense of virtue. 

His funeral is a hallowed memory at West Point. His body 
lay in state in the little Catholic chapel, where fellow cadets stood 
guard throughout the day and the night. The Harvard team came 
down to pay him homage. He was given a full military funeral, and 
then his body was sent for burial to his home town, Buffalo, New 
York. Before the body was taken from the chapel at West Point, 
the cadets filed past the coffin, and each one laid upon it a white 
carnation, in token of Cadet Byrne's purity—a public tribute to a 
boy who was "clean," a Galahad of God. 

Ernie Schaaf 

Every young man who reads the sports pages is familiar with 
the name Ernie Schaaf. Schaaf was among the highest ranking 
heavyweights of a few years ago. His last fight was with Camera. 
A blow that he received during that fight produced a blood clot 
on his brain. While doctors battled to save his life, his manager, 
Johnny Buckley, tears in his eyes, nervously paced the corridors, 

— 26 — 



summing up the many fights that Ernie had fought in the "ring" of 
his soul and had won. Buckley, better than anyone else, knew that 
Ernie was clean, pure. 

Johnny Buckley loved Ernie Schaaf as a son—because he was 
clean. "He was one of the finest, cleanest young fellows I have ever 
known," Buckley had said. "He was a devout Catholic and decent 
in every way." Buckley also disclosed the fact that Schaaf, a week 
before his fight with Camera, had flown to Brighton, a quiet suburb 
near Boston, and had attended a retreat for laymen, spending 
several days in prayer and meditation. 

Ernie Schaaf was tough. Ask those who fought with him. But 
he was tougher in the real fights of life. He lived and died a clean, 
pure man. It takes a real fighter to do that. 

Jack Cahalan 

Every school boy knows the story of the Holy Grail, the chalice 
or cup that Our Lord used at the Last Supper. The knights of 
King Arthur's Round Table went in quest of the Holy Grail, but 
it could be seen only by those who were pure. The knight who 
was "pure and without reproach," who caught a sight of the holy 
chalice, was Sir Galahad. And Tennyson has him say: "My strength 
is as the strength of ten because my heart is pure." Sir Galahad 
was the only one of King Arthur 's knights who saw the Holy Grail, 
but there are boys living today who qualify for that vision. 

Jack Cahalan was within a few weeks of receiving his A. B. 
degree from the University of Detroit. He was a good student and 
prominent in many college activities. His classmates often wondered 
how he found time for his many scholastic interests. One evening 
during the last week of April, 1932 (he was, you see, a young man 
of your own time), he went out to a college entertainment. His 
companion was a splendid girl whom he had known since grade-
school days. On their way home a blinding rainstorm overtook them. 
A huge truck ran into their car and instantly killed both of them. 
They were both buried from the same church at a requiem Mass. 

The following letter Is quoted at length because it contains 
some beautiful lessons—not only in purity but in other virtues 
that characterize a son and a Catholic father. Little did the father 
think that one day tjiis very personal letter would appear in print. 
The letter was written in answer to a letter of condolence from a 
priest, a lifelong friend of the family. 

— 27 — 



Dear Father : May 25, 1932 

I have no news. Everything goes on much the same. It is 
natural to forget one's troubles, I suppose. There was a time when 
I thought that to forget was cruel. But now I see that it is God's 
good way. One cannot live constantly with the dead. Many Masses 
are being said for Jack in our parish church. My wife and I try to 
attend them all. If we must remember, we shall try to do so in 
prayer. 

No one of course can judge the purposes of God. But one can 
try to reason things out, since reason is God's great gift to man. So I 
look back over Jack's career, and I find a great and wonderful 
consolation in the fact that he was a good boy. He was careful, 
very careful of his purity. This I know, for he and I talked things 
over many times. He had a just pride in his wonderfully made 
body. He spent much time in developing his young strength, but 
he kept that body clean. His scholastic activities, his physical 
exercises were all indulged in strenuously with one purpose: He 
wanted to be so busy that he would not have time to sin. It was 
this more than any great worldly ambition that spurred him on; 
and I, his father, know this to have been so. 

Now then here is how I look at it—or at least try to look at 
it. He was just on the threshold of life. Up to the time of his 
death he had been uniformly successful in all his activities, spiritual 
and material. Why then can't I get down on my knees and thank 
God that He took him when He did? Surely life could not haye 
improved him for God. I know and you know how hard and difficult 
it is getting to be to live a straight life in this world. I am not 
pessimistic, but we cannot disregard the signs that are all about 
us. We are worse than the Romans, for we have a Christian tradi-
tion of nineteen hundred years behind us, and yet we are bigger 
hypocrites than the pagans were. I have five boys and one girl, 
and I sometimes shudder when I think of the world that they are 
coming to know. Jack was lucky always, even in death. Well good-
bye, father, and God bless you for your interest in him. 

Sincerely yours, 
JACK. 

The above letter needs no comment. It stands as a testimony 
of the honor and regard that a decent man has for another man who 
is clean and pure. Realizing this, how can a girl allow a young 
man to be anything but pure and clean in her company, pure in 
thought, in desire, in word, in act—in short a gentleman because 
a real man? 

— 28 — 



A Model Courtship 

There is the story of Billy, a boy who died in France. He was 
a brave young man who was serving our country during the World 
War. He was a good soldier because he was fearless—being pure, 
he had nothing to fear. The Catholic chaplain of his regiment 
found him dead in "No Man's Land." The following letter, thumb-
worn from much reading, was found in his wallet. The letter was 
written by his fiancée, in the United States. 

Dear Billy: 

You will be able to be proud of me because I shall possess the 
most beautiful robe that a girl can wear, the stainless robe of 
purity. To you I shall be as beautiful and as pure as a lily. Let us 
pray for our vocation, for I feel too weak to bear the heavy re-
sponsibilities of a Catholic wife. Let us ever be united in the 
Sacred Heart of Jesus, whom we both love. He will keep us good 
and help us . . . . 

With love, 
MARGARET. 

Small wonder that Billy loved this girl. She is the kind of 
girl that a real man loves; there can be no lust in affection for 
such a girl. She ban be your ideal, young women; follow her lead, 
and your courtship will be one of love, a courtship respected by 
man and blessed by God. 

Theirs was a love like the pure love of Sara and Tobias, so 
beautifully told in the Book of Tobias, in the Old Testament. Well 
might every young man and young woman read the account of 
that marriage, so generously blessed by God. In that sacred story 
we read that 

. . They who in such manner receive matrimony, as to shut 
out God from themselves and from their mind and to give them-
selves to their lust, . . . over them the devil hath power." 
(Tob. vi, 17.) 

And later on we read the beautiful account of Tobias's greet-
ing to his bride: 

". . . We are children of saints, and we must not be joined 
together like heathens that know not God. 

"So they both arose, and prayed earnestly both together that 
health might be given them. 

"And Tobias said: Lord God of our fathers, may the heavens 
and the earth, and the sea, and the fountains, and the rivers, and 
all thy creatures that are in them, bless thee. 

— 29 — 



"Thou madest Adam of the slime of the earth, and gayest him 
Eve for a helper. 

"And now, Lord, thou knowest that not for fleshly lust do I take 
my sister [cousin] to wife, but only for the love of posterity, in 
which thy name may be blessed for ever and ever. 

"Sara also said: Have mercy on us, O Lord, have mercy on 
us, and let us grow old both together in health." (Tob. viii, 5-10.) 

Clothes Do Not Make the Man—Or the Woman 

Clothes do not make the man, nor do silks and satins make the 
woman. Many young women who are well dressed and who possess 
the manner of the court are anything but decent; by the same token 
many girls who are poor and are forced to do the most menial serv-
ices in order to make a living are queens of good conduct and of virtue. 
When a girl reduces her courtship to habitual lust, she lowers 
herself to the level of the most common girl. The socially promi-
nent woman who commits sins of impurity is as base as is the 
fallen woman who makes her living by such sin. And a girl's 
claim that she is in love with her partner in sin and that he is the 
only one with whom she improperly conducts herself does not in 
the least degree change the nature or lessen the gravity of the 
sin. If a young woman who is sinning against purity finds con-
solation in the fact that a prostitute is more promiscuous than she 
is, that young woman has already lowered herself to the level of 
fallen women. The sin is in each case the same—impurity. Neither 
of the two young women is pure; neither one has the least decency 
or self-respect; both are common; they are sisters in sin; they 
are poor in virtue. The richest girl, the most perfect young woman 
is she who is rich in purity though poor in material things. 

Secret Sins 

There are no secret sins; God is always with us, and He sees 
our every thought and action. So to speak of a secret sin is to 
use a misnomer. Anyone, man or woman, even though married, 
commits a grievous sin against purity when he or she touches 
himself or herself for the purpose of deriving sexual self-gratifica-
tion. Such sins can and do at times grow to be habits that are 
very hard to break, and sad is the soul that is caught in such a 
tangle. A regular confessor, frequent reception of communion, and 
prayer, joined to unceasing efforts against the temptation are the 
surest way to victory. 

Another great help is the crucifix. Have a rosary or a small 
crucifix with you at all times. When temptation comes to you, 

— 3Q — 



hold your crucifix or the cross on your rosary and say to yourself: 
"Dear Jesus, you died because you love me. When I sin with my-
self, I deny you, because you cannot be with me when I indulge 
in this sinful pleasure." As long as you hold the cross in your 
hand you will not crucify Christ for the pleasure of impurity. Hold 
fast to your crucifix, and you will not sin. 

Tributes to Purity 

Shakespeare wrote: 

"What stronger breastplate than a heart unstained!" 

"Lilies that fester smell worse than weeds." 

Milton sang of purity: 

"So dear to heaven is saintly chastity 
That when a soul is found sincerely so 
A thousand liveried angels lackey her." 

Thomas Nelson Page, in his introduction to the life of the 
chivalrous Robert E. Lee, wrote: 

"Truth, simply stated, like chastity in a woman's face, 
is its own best advocate; its simplest presentation is its 
strongest proof." 

Tennyson was the troubadour of the pure: 
"Wearing the white flower of a blameless life." 
"Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King— 
Else, wherefore born?" 

"Eyes of a pure woman, wholesome stars of love." 

"My good blade carves the casques of men, 
My tough lance thrusteth sure, 

My strength is as the strength of ten, 
Because my heart is pure." 

Their song is but another note in the melody of praise that 
all decent men and women sing to the pure of heart. And their 
song is but a faint echo of the praise of the God of purity, who says : 

"Oh how beautiful is the chaste generation with glory. For 
the memory thereof is immortal; because it is known both with 
God and with men. . . . It triumpheth crowned for ever, winning 
thé reward of undefiled conflicts." (Wis. iv, 1, 2.) 

"Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, to 
refrain 'yourselves from carnal desires which war against the 
soul."f(I Pet, ii, 11.) • •• . . 



"Evil thoughts are an abomination to the Lord: and pure words, 
most beautiful, shall be confirmed by Him." 

"He that loveth cleanness of heart, for the grace of his lips 
shall have the king for his friend." (Prov. xxli, 11.) 

"Give not thy mouth to cause thy flesh to sin." (Eccle. v, 5.) 

"No price is worthy of a continent soul." (Ecclus. xxvi, 20.) 

"Blessed are the clean of hear t ; for they shall see God." 
(Matt, v, 8.) 

Unreasonable Wives 

For a girl to expect the young man whom she marries to pro-
vide her with all the conveniences and luxuries which she had in 
her own home is very unreasonable. The man of her choice is 
young; in all likelihood he is just beginning his career and is not 
in that financial position where he can provide his young wife 
with the same material conveniences that her father provided for 
her. Moreover the girl probably had a position before she was 
married, and her brothers and sisters were probably working too. 
Obviously a young man cannot provide the luxuries that the girl's 
personal and family income made possible. If the girl is not ready 
to make many sacrifices in her marriage, she should marry a King 
Midas, or she shouldn't marry at all. 

Working Wives 

The place for a wife is in the home, not in one of the offices 
of the business world. If the young man's income is not sufficient 
for two people, the young couple should not get married. The girl 
should not plan to work af ter she is married—this in fairness to 
the children who in God's providence may come. After all the 
primary purpose of marriage is the procreation of children. 

To use artificial means to prevent the conception of children 
is a grievous sin; you can't live that way. And young people who 
marry with the intention of thus preventing the conception and 
the birth of children until they can afford them have no business 
getting married until they can afford them. The young woman 
who marries with the intention of using artificial birth control in 
order that she can continue to work is committing a mortal sin. 
She and her husband are guilty of the crime of Onan, and God's 
punishment to Onan was death: "And therefore the Lord slew 
him, because he did a detestable thing." 

The practice of rhythm or periodic abstinence—this is some-
thing completely different from artificial birth control, which calls 

— 32 — 



for positive preventive means and hence is always sinful. The 
rhythm theory calls for abstinence from the exercise of the 
marriage rights during those times of the month when conception 
is most likely to take place. A good Catholic doctor can advise 
you about this theory. But married people should not practice the 
rhythm theory unless they have a good reason. Your confessor is 
the best judge of the validity of your reason. The primary pur-
pose of marriage is the bearing and the rearing of children. If young 
people intend to use their marriage rights and sinfully to prevent 
the birth of children when they could have them, why do they get 
married? 

Let us stop for a minute on this question of being able to afford 
children. Each of five priests whom I know (I am one of them) 
comes from a family so large that the total number of children in 
the five families is fifty-eight. Two of the children in each family 
have religious vocations. The parents in those families couldn't 
afford children, but they had them; and with the children came 
the very generous blessings of God. But remember this: While 
God and the Catholic Church say nothing about how many children 
you must or may or should have, God and the Church do most 
emphatically say that you may not commit sin in order to limit the 
number of children you have. The law against birth control was 
not made by the Catholic Church; let no man tell you that it was. 
This law is just as binding on every Protestant, Jew, and pagan 
as it is on every Catholic. 

Let the young husband and the young wife be proud of the 
children they bring into the world. And let the blush of shame 
dye the face of those who question or look scornfully upon those 
young people who are rearing children, those couples who have a 
generosity and love of virtue that are unknown to those who 
criticize. Be proud of the children you have. 

Childless Couples 

Be very slow to criticize married couples who have no chil-
dren. Not Infrequently their childlessness is their greatest cross. 
To their sorrow God does not bless them with children, and that 
through no fault of their own. In the same way it happens that 
good parents through no fault of their own may have only one child. 

Many are the childless couples who have prayed continuously 
to be blessed with children. God in His providence has seen fit to 
send them none. It is well for young married people to know that 
often a very simple surgical operation or medical attention of some 
kind can make it possible for the woman to bear children. For 

— 33 — 



this reason and for many others select for your family a good Cath-
olic doctor whom you can feel free to consult in this matter and in 
similar matters. I say a good Catholic doctor, because too fre-
quently non-Catholic doctors advise procedure that is in direct 
violation of the law of God. 

There are many childless couples who, unable to have children 
of their own, have generously adopted children from foundling 
homes. Such couples usually adopt infants, and with the years they 
come to look upon these children as their own. The children, 
never having known their own parents, accept the love of their 
foster parents. How dear to God are those good men and women 
who, though deprived of the realization of their greatest hope, 
their own children, have gone through married life, childless or 
with adopted children, resigned to God's will. 

Mixed Marriages 

Mixed marriages don't work, and that for many reasons. Per-
haps the one who is least readily convinced of this is the woman 
or the man who is the child of a mixed marriage. He or she will 
tell you that his or her home was definitely an exception. Don't 
try to fool yourself, as many have tried, by saying: "But John is 
different," or "Ruth is different." The facts prove that in almost 
every case of mixed marriage he or she is not different and 
the marriage is a failure. For every one successful mixed marriage 
there are hundreds that are sad or tragic failures. 

The first question that arises is the question of children. Too 
frequently the non-Catholic wishes to use sinful means to prevent 
the birth of children; and you can't live that way. And if that 
question arises, what are you going to do about it? You are 
married, and forever; your husband or your wife refuses to permit 
you to live in the only way in which you can be happy—God's way. 

Then there is that most intimate thing in your life, that most 
important thing, your faith, which to the non-Catholic often means 
little or nothing. If your marriage is blessed with children, there 
arises the question of Catholic education. Countless non-Catholics 
in mixed marriage have, in spite of the promises they signed, re-
fused to allow the children to be educated in Catholic schools. 
"The public school is good enough; it's cheaper anyway," they 
say. Yes; costs less, if you do not consider your children's possible 
loss of faith. You may think that this will not happen to your 
children, but the fact is that the children of mixed marriages much 
too frequently are lost to the Catholic faith. 

— 34 — 



Again you must realize that as your children approach the age 
of reason and the time of their first communion they will ask the 
non-Catholic parent a thousand questions. And the non-Catholic 
will be unable to answer those questions because he does not under-
stand the Church. Let us take an example: The child is taking 
part in the Holy Thursday procession. To you, who have the faith, 
the sight of your child with the hundreds of other white-robed chil-
dren is the grandest and happiest moment of your life, and as 
Christ in the Blessed Sacrament passes along the aisle, you ask Him 
to bless you and your family; the entire procession has a deep and 
precious significance for you. To the non-Catholic parent this serv-
ice is just so much mummery. Again how different is your attitude 
toward Christmas and the Christ Child in Holy Communion from 
the attitude of your non-Catholic partner. 

Now let us consider the viewpoint of the non-Catholic. Is it 
fair for the Catholic to want to marry him when she knows that 
there are many things that he will not understand, many things 
that he will perhaps come to resent? It is better for the non-
Catholic to marry one who shares his religious convictions. It is 
almost impossible for the Catholic in the intimate matters of home 
life to meet the non-Catholic even halfway. And if the non-Catholic 
refuses to live the Catholic way, neither partner in the marriage will 
be happy. So when the Catholic Church says to her children, 
"Marry your own," she is opposing mixed marriages for the sake 
of the non-Catholic and the Catholic alike. 

Getting Married 

You should have a regular confessor. He will be able to 
counsel and advise you, to protect you in your courtship, and to 
instruct you on the obligations of married life when the time comes. 
Certainly young people, especially young women, should be informed 
of the obligations they are assuming in marriage and should be 
told what is right and what is wrong in married life. 

They should be made to realize that when they are married 
they will be living in a state of life—and a very holy one—entirely 
different from the single state. They should be informed that in 
marriage they may do many things that were forbidden to them 
in courtship, actions in themselves good, actions that God blesses 
only in the marital state. Many crosses, many sacrifices come in 
married life, and the intimacies of married life are pleasures with 
which God compensates husband and wife. Not only are these in-
timacies not wrong in the married state but they are good actions 

— 35 — 



which of themselves lead to the fulfillment of the primary purpose 
of marriage. And as the teaching of God clearly indicates, that 
makes all the difference in the world. 

During your days of courtship receive the sacraments fre-
quently and avoid the occasions of sin. In this way you will be 
cooperating with God's will for you. In this way you cannot make 
a mistake; you will not sin; your courtship will be one of true 
love; your marriage will be blessed by God. 



THE CHURCH'S LAWS ON MARRIAGE 
In the eyes of the Church and of God marriage is a very holy and 

sacred union. Marriage between two baptized persons is a sacrament, that 
is it is a means of grace. Marriage between two unbaptized people, though 
not a sacrament, is something very sacred. Realizing the sacredness and 
the importance of marriage, the Church places safeguards around this very 
holy contract and enacts laws concerning it. Only those Church laws that 
more particularly concern you are set down here. 

Necessary Arrangements for Marriage 

Notify the Pastor. See your pastor at least two months before the 
date that you have set for your marriage. The young man and the young 
woman should together call on their respective pastors and inform them 
of their intention of being married. Arrangements for the marriage must 
be made, and they cannot be made on short notice. 

Place of the Marriage. If the bride is a Catholic, the marriage is 
celebrated in her parish church; if she is not a Catholic, the marriage is 
usually performed in the rectory of the groom's parish church. The pastor 
of the church in which the marriage is to take place has jurisdiction over 
the marriage: no priest will marry a couple unless he has permission and 
delegation from the pastor who has this jurisdiction. Ordinarily no pastor 
will perform the marriage ceremony unless he has permission from the 
pastor of at least one of the parties to the contract. 

Time of the Marriage. If you wish to be married at a nuptial 
Mass, you must arrange your marriage so that it will not occur during 
Advent or Lent—i. e., from the fourth Sunday before Christmas to Christ-
mas Day or from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday. Only for serious 
reasons will the bishop grant permission for the celebration of a nuptial 
Mass during these times. 

Baptismal Records. You or the pastor must get your baptismal 
records from the church in which you were baptized. Catholics who have 
not been confirmed should be confirmed before they are married, unless 
there is a reason for postponing confirmation. In that case the Catholic 
should avail himself of the first opportunity to be confirmed. The pastor 
will arrange the details. 

Catholic Attendants. Since they are the official Church witnesses, 
the bridesmaid and the groomsman must be Catholics. This rule applies 
only to these two members of the wedding party. (Catholics should not 
be the "attendants" at a non-Catholic wedding without the consent of the 
bishop of the diocese.) 

— 37 — 



Marriage License. The pastor must be sure that the parties have 
obtained a civil marriage license. The license must be obtained in some 
county seat in the state in which the marriage is to be celebrated. In 
some states the man and the woman must pass a physical examination 
before they can obtain a marriage license. 

Proclamation of Banns. Banns are the announcements that are 
made in church to the effect that two persons (the name of each is 
mentioned) intend to marry. The banns are read on three successive 
Sundays. Banns will be further explained in the next general section. 

Consent of the Parents. Except for very serious reasons no priest 
will officiate at a marriage without the consent of the parents of both 
parties, unless each party is twenty-one years of age or unless, in the case 
of younger persons, there is a very serious reason for not obtaining this 
consent. Even if each is twenty-one years of age, the consent of the parents 
is generally expected, unless there is a reason why it cannot be obtained. 

Necessary Instruction and Freedom From Impediments. The pastor 
must make sure that both parties are free to be married, |R e„ that neither 
party is prohibited by reason of an impediment. He must make certain 
that neither party is already married—a civil divorce, does not break a 
marriage bond. He must make certain that neither party is being forced 
into the marriage through fear of threats made by parents or by anyone 
else. He must be sure that both parties are sufficiently instructed in their 
religion, that they know that they are to be married for life, and that for 
them civil divorce will not for any reason whatsoever permit remarriage. 
He must instruct them in the primary purpose of marriage—the procreation 
and education of children. He must be sure that they understand what 
is forbidden in and what is proper to married life. 

MIXED MARRIAGES—Necessary Instructions. The pastor must 
obtain a dispensation for the Catholic who wishes to marry a non-Catholic. 
If they can afford it, the parties to a mixed marriage usually make an 
offering of five or ten dollars to the chancery office when the dispensation 
is obtained. This offering is not a purchase price; it is merely a reasonable 
sum of money to help defray the expenses of maintaining the chancery 
office. In many dioceses the pastor is required to give six instructions to 
the non-Catholic before a dispensation can be obtained. The pastor 
explains the nature and the obligations of the married state, the essentials 
of the Catholic faith, and the demands which this faith makes on both 
the Catholic and the non-Catholic. This is done not only in fairness 
to the Catholic but also in fairness to the non-Catholic, who must be 
made to see before marriage the obligations that he or she is assuming in 
marrying a Catholic. Moreover the pastor must explain clearly the nature 
and the obligations of the promises which the non-Catholic must sign 

— 38 — 



before marriage to the Catholic; Every diocese requires that the non-
Catholic party in the marriage contract sign two promises: 1—that the 
Catholic party will be allowed complete freedom in the practice of his 
or her faith; 2—that all the children of the union will be baptized and 
educated in the Catholic faith alone (the Catholic party must also make 
this second promise). In some dioceses it is required that additional 
promises also be signed. Such additional promises concern matters that 
are of serious obligation. Even if the diocese does not make these matters 
subject for signed promises, both parties are bound to be loyal to them, 
e. g.: 

The couple may not have' another marriage ceremony' performed— 
either before or after the Catholic ceremony—in the presence of a non-
Catholic minister or a justice of the peace. (In certain foreign countries 
where a ceremony before a civil magistrate is demanded for civil effects, 
the Church allows a ceremony before a civil magistrate in addition to the 
Catholic ceremony.) 

The Catholic party is obliged prudently to encourage the non-Catholic 
party to embrace the Catholic faith, this to be done by prayer, counsel, 
and good example. 

The couple may not use sinful means toward birth prevention. 

The couple must recognize that their marriage is indissoluble (once 
they have used their marriage rights), that a second marriage for either 
one of them is impossible while the first partner is still living. 

The non-Catholic must promise that in the case of death of the 
Catholic party the children of the union will be educated in the Catholic 
faith. 

Confession and Holy Communion. If a Catholic marries with mortal 
sin on his soul, he has committed a sacrilege, even though his marriage is 
valid (good), and he receives no grace from the sacrament of matrimony 
until he recovers the state of grace, either through confession or through 
an act of perfect contrition with the intention of going to confession as 
soon as possible. But even apart from the question of mortal sin, the 
good Catholic will want to go to confession and to receive Holy Com-
munion in order that his or her soul will be in the most perfect state on 
the occasion of receiving the great and holy sacrament of matrimony. In 
the case of a mixed marriage the Catholic party or the pastor should 
prudently assist the non-Catholic to make an act of perfect contrition so 
that he or she will begin married life in God's grace and friendship. And 
in order that God's grace may always be present it would be well for the 

— 39 — 



Catholic prudently to encourage the non-Catholic to recite daily the act 
of perfect contrition. 

N. B. Realizing these necessary arrangements that must be made 
for marriage, you can clearly see why it is important that you see your 
pastor early enough before your marriage. You ought to see him at least 
two months before your marriage and inform him of your intentions. 

The Banns 

The banns are the announcement of a promise of marriage between 
two Catholics. The banns are not announced in the case of a mixed 
marriage; the pastor obtains a dispensation from the reading of the banns 
when he obtains the dispensation for the mixed marriage. The banns are 
generally announced at the same Mass on three successive Sundays— 
usually at high Mass, if there is a high Mass in the church. The banns 
are read in the parish church of each party. You have probably heard 
banns read; they are worded somewhat as follows: "There is a promise 
of marriage between Mary Smith of this parish and John Brown of Saint 
Anne's Parish." 

These banns must be read. If for some reason they cannot be read, 
a dispensation must be obtained from the bishop or from his representative. 
Though young people often regard the reading of the banns as an em-
barrassment, they are read for the protection of both the young man and 
the young woman who intend to be married. Should there be any reason 
why the marriage should not take place, the banns provide an opportunity 
for the prevention of the marriage. Mere embarrassment should not make 
you request a dispensation from the reading of the banns; they are part 
of the Church law that governs the sacrament of matrimony, and the 
Church wishes the law to be fulfilled. You can easily attend an early 
Mass, one at which the banns will not be read. 

Time of Marriage — Nuptial Mass 
The marriage may take place on any day of the year. But unless 

you obtain the special permission of the bishop, you may not, during the 
season of Advent—from the first Sunday of Advent until Christmas, 
inclusive—or during the season of Lent—from Ash Wednesday to Easter 
Sunday, inclusive—be married at Mass with the nuptial blessing. 

The nuptial blessing is a special prayer and blessing for the bride. 
It is given during the canon of the Mass, immediately after the Pater 
Noster. The blessing is not given outside of Mass. The bride receives 
this blessing only once; therefore a widow who marries again does not 
receive this blessing at her second marriage if she has received it at the 
first. If a girl does not receive the blessing at the time of her marriage, 
she may receive it at any time after her marriage—but of course during 
Mass. 

— 40 — 



A Catholic should want to be married at Mass and to receive the 
nuptial blessing. The bride and the groom should receive Holy Com-
munion during the nuptial Mass, though this is not necessary. Certainly 
nothing is more beautiful and more strengthening than is a real Catholic 
marriage. Incidentally the priest is the Church's witness to the ceremony; 
the bride and the groom are the real ministers of the sacrament; one 
administers it to the other. The marriage takes place when both parties 
give tbeir mutual consent before the Mass is said: everything done after 
the actual marriage is done to invoke God's graces and blessings on the 
newly married couple. 

The bride and the groom who receive Holy Communion at the 
nuptial Mass entertain Christ as their first guest; He is the first to con-
gratulate them, the first to bless them. And as long as the couple keep 
Him first in their home, they will be happy. What finer sight than a 
young couple frequently together at Holy Communion—every Sunday 
throughout the years of their married life. Such a marriage is a Catholic 
marriage. When God sends them children, the man and the woman may 
not be able to go to Mass and communion together, but each will go. 
Christ loves the newly married couple. At the request of His mother 
He anticipated His time of miracles in order that His first miracle—the 
changing of water into wine—should take place at a marriage feast, the 
feast of Cana. 

Place of Mixed Marriages 

Mixed marriages may not be celebrated at Mass. They are usually 
celebrated in the parish rectory. They may not be celebrated in private 
homes without the express permission of the bishop; and except for the 
gravest reasons such permission is not given. Where the bishop permits, 
mixed marriages may be held in the church, but not at Mass. Your pastor 
will guide you in this matter. Your pastor knows the custom of the 
diocese, and you should follow this custom. At a mixed marriage Mass 
is not said and the nuptial blessing is not given. The Catholic should 
however go to confession and receive Holy Communion before the mar-
riage. It is not necessary to go to Mass and receive Holy Communion 
before the marriage, but certainly it is highly commendable to do so. 

You Must Be Married Before a Priest 
9 

A Catholic, whether he or she marries a Catholic or a non-Catholic, 
must be married before an authorized priest. A justice of the peace or a 
non-Catholic minister cannot perform a valid marriage ceremony for a 
Catholic; in the eyes of the Church and of God such a marriage is purely 

— 41 — 



and simply not a marriage; in the eyes of the civil authorities the parties 
are married, but in the eyes of God they are living in sin. And the strange 
thing is that some Catholics—many of them should know better—think 
that even though they did not fulfill the Church's requirements for marriage 
they are really married. The fact remains that in the eyes of God they 
are not married and hence under pain of sin may not live together. 

It is true that before April 19, 1908, in certain places and under 
certain conditions Catholics could be validly married without a priest's 
witnessing the ceremony. But since that time the Catholic Church states 
that a Catholic must be married before a priest if the marriage is to be 
valid. An exception to this law would obtain in a place like Russia, 
from which Catholic priests have been exiled. But where a Catholic 
priest is available, the Catholic must abide by this Church law. 

Incidentally the Church does recognize as valid those marriages that 
are entered into between two Protestants or between a Protestant and an 
unbaptized person (the latter case since May 19, 1918) or between two 
unbaptized persons—whether such marriages are celebrated before a justice 
of the peace or before a Protestant minister. 

Bat you, a Catholic, whether you marry a Catholic, a Protestant, a 
Jew, a pagan, or a person of any other creed or cult, must be married 
before an authorized Catholic priest if your marriage is to be valid. Never 
forget this. 

You Are Not Married if 

There are certain cases in which a marriage ceremony has been per-
formed before a priest and still there is no marriage. Such marriages are 
said to be invalid. An invalid marriage is no marriage. The following 
are examples: 

A marriage is invalid if one or both of the parties do not know at 
least this much: that marriage is a permanent union of husband and wife 
and that the primary purpose of marriage is the bringing of children into 
the world through the exercise of the marriage rights, which the contracting 
parties in the marriage give to each other. 

The fact that a girl does not know the entire extent of the marriage 
rights does not invalidate the marriage: if she has a general knowledge of 
the marriage rights, that is sufficient. The girl's mother, father, confessor, 
or pastor should however make certain that the young woman fully 
understands the obligations that she is assuming. Before her marriage 
every girl should most decidedly have a thorough talk with one of the 
persons mentioned above. Not a few married women have made them-
selves unhappy because they did not have such a talk before their marriage 

— 42 — 



Mothers and fathers should talk to their children who are contemplating 
marriage—but in the vast majority of cases parents shirk that duty. So 
the best advice to give young people, especially young women, is: Ask 
your confessor or your pastor to tell you the general facts about the mar-
riage rights; this delicate matter is all-important for every young person 
who is planning to be married. 

A marriage is invalid if before marriage one or both parties by a 
positive act of the will exclude each other's right to the proper use of the 
marriage rights, or exclude the birth of children, or exclude the unity of 
marriage (one wife and one husband), or exclude the indissolubility of 
marriage (the marriage tie cannot be broken if the parties are validly 
married and have lived together as husband and wife, i. e., have at least once 
used their marriage rights of intercourse). In the eyes of God a civil 
divorce does not break the marriage bond; therefore divorced people cannot 
marry anyone else. 

A marriage is invalid if the consent of one or both parties was 
extorted through violence or fear so grave that one or both parties had 
no choice but to submit to the celebration of the marriage. The fear or 
violence must be not only grave but unjustly brought about or imposed 
by a person and must be of such a nature that the party or parties were 
obliged to submit to the marriage in order to escape the serious evil 
threatened. Even reverential fear (fear of parents) might in certain cir-
cumstances be enough to constitute a grave fear that would make the 
marriage invalid. In other words both parties to a marriage contract 
must give free consent to the marriage if the marriage is to be valid. Forced 
consent invalidates a marriage. 

A marriage is invalid if one party decides or both parties agree to 
use sinful means to avoid having any children, or that they may be 
divorced, or that one or both may lead a double life—commit adultery. 
Adultery does not invalidate the marriage; but if before the marriage both 
parties agree to permit one or both to practice adultery, the marriage con-
tract is invalid. 

Impediments to Marriage 

A matrimonial impediment is a serious obstacle to marriage. Such 
impediments are of two kinds: prohibitive and diriment. A prohibitive 
impediment is that under which marriage is forbidden under pain of 
mortal sin, unless a dispensation from the impediment is obtained. In 
this case, however, the marriage is valid, provided the other necessary 
conditions have been fulfilled, e.g., marriage before a priest. The second 
kind of impediment, the diriment impediment, is that under which a 
marriage is not only forbidden but is invalid—not a marriage—unless a 
dispensation has been obtained. 

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Prohibitive Impediments 

The simple vow of virginity or perpetual chastity; a vow not to 
marry; a vow to become a priest or a religious. People who are living 
in the world and who have bound themselves by any of the above-
mentioned vows can arrange to have a dispensation from this vow through 
their confessor or pastor. 

Mixed religion is another prohibitive impediment. By mixed religion 
is meant that one of the parties to the marriage contract is a Catholic and 
the other party is a baptized member of another faith. This is a pro-
hibitive impediment; however the marriage of two such people is invalid 
unless it takes place before a Catholic priest. A dispensation from this 
mixed-religion impediment must be obtained before a priest will witness 
the marriage of two such people. 

Legal adoption is another prohibitive impediment in some states. 
If in a particular state a man or a woman is forbidden to marry someone 
that he or she has legally adopted, the Church forbids it too; the Church 
follows the state in this matter. ( C f . page 46.) 

Diriment Impediments 

A diriment impediment is one that makes a marriage invalid—no 
marriage—unless a dispensation from the impediment has been obtained. 
It is clear that there are certain diriment impediments from which a man 
or a woman can never be dispensed; for example a man can never get a 
dispensation to marry his own sister. 

In the following paragraphs we list some of the diriment impedi-
ments. Only those are listed that might ordinarily occur. We have 
already spoken of cases in which there is no marriage because there is a 
defect inherent in the marriage contract or because the marriage was not 
celebrated before a priest (if either one of the parties is Catholic). (Cf. 
pages 41, 42, 43.) 

A previous valid marriage is a diriment impediment to another mar-
riage. Two Catholics who have been validly married and who have lived 
as man and wife—have used their mariage right of intercourse at least 
o n c e—can never be dispensed from their marriage. Not even the Pope 
could issue a dispensation from such a marriage. 

The Pauline Privilege. Catholics are sometimes surprised to 
learn that the Catholic Church has allowed converts to the Church 
who have been married before their conversion to be remarried after 
their conversion. Such a person may have been validly married before 
his conversion, but acting on the words of St. Paul (it is from him 
that we derive the name Pauline privilege), in certain cases the Holy 
Father declares that the previous marriage bond is dissolved. Such 

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a case might obtain where both patties to the first marriage were 
unbaptized in any church or where one party was unbaptized and 
the other is only doubtfully baptized. We- say doubtfully because 
it may be that the minister did not use the proper matter and form 
when he administered the baptism. If such an unbaptized or doubt-
fully baptized person wishes to become a Catholic and the other 
party to the first marriage is unwilling to live in peace with the 
person so converted, the Catholic convert may marry again. The 
pastor will attend to all the necessary details in such a case and will 
arrange with the proper Church authorities for the obtaining of a 
decision. 

The sacrament of holy orders is a diriment impediment to marriage; 
priests cannot marry. In the various Oriental rites (e. g., Greek Uniates— 
not the Greek Orthodox, who are in schism) of the Catholic Church priests 
who were married before they received holy orders may live as married 
men after they have been ordained. 

Solemn vows taken in religious orders properly so called constitute 
a diriment impediment to matrimony. 

Disparity of worship is another diriment impediment to matrimony. 
Disparity of worship would prevent marriage between a Catholic and a 
person who has not been baptized validly in any church. To marry such 
a person, the Catholic must obtain a dispensation. Disparity of worship 
is not the same as the impediment of mixed religion, which calls into 
question marriage between a Catholic and a person who has been baptized 
validly in another faith. In this latter case too dispensation should be 
obtained before the Catholic and the unbaptized person can marry. In 
both cases the marriage is invalid unless it is celebrated before a priest. 

Abduction of a woman (by a man) and violent detention of a 
woman (by a man) for the purpose of marriage are both diriment impedi-
ments to marriage. 

Adultery (one or both parties to the adultery being already married) 
combined with either the mutual promise of marriage or the attempt at 
marriage in church or before a justice of the peace is a diriment impediment 
to marriage. Before two such people on the death of husband or wife can 
be validly married to the partner with whom the sin has been com-
mitted, a dispensation must be obtained from the impediment that they 
have contracted. 

Blood relationship to the third degree inclusive in the collateral line 
is a diriment impediment to marriage. Brothers and sisters are related 
in the first degree of collateral line, first cousins in the second degree, second 
cousins in the third degree, etc. Brother and sister can never get a dispen-
sation to marry each other; cousins may get a dispensation from the im-
pediment of blood relationship. 

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Affinity, that is, relationship through marriage to the second degree 
inclusive, is a diriment impediment to marriage. Thus on the death of 
his wife a man cannot'without a dispensation marry his deceased wife's 
sister, aunt, niece, or first cousin. 

If two people were invalidly married, e. g., Catholics married by a 
justice of the peace, on the death of one party to that marriage contract 
the other could not without a dispensation marry anyone of the blood 
relations to the second degree inclusive in the direct line of the deceased. 
Thus in the case of an invalid marriage and the death of the woman, the 
man could not without a dispensation marry his wife's mother, grand-
mother, daughter, or granddaughter. 

Spiritual relationship is a diriment impediment to marriage. Such a 
spiritual relationship exists between a baptized person and the person who 
has baptized him, between the baptized person and his godparents. 

So when a young man is engaged to a girl who is converted to the 
faith, he should not act as her sponsor in her baptism. If he does so, 
he creates a spiritual relationship which is a diriment impediment to 
marriage. In such a situation a dispensation must be obtained before the 
marriage can be celebrated. 

Legal adoption is a diriment impediment to marriage in those coun-
tries or states where the civil law forbids a man or a woman to marry 
someone that he or she has legally adopted. In the case of legal adoption 
the Church follows the law of the particular state; the Church accepts 
the impediment of legal adoption as a prohibitive or diriment impediment 
according as the civil authorities decide in particular cases. The Church 
also follows the civil law in the extent of the application of this law. 
(Cf. page 44.) 

N. B. Catholics sometimes criticize the Church for her granting 
what they term a divorce with permission to remarry. The Church never 
grants a divorce. All she does is decide on the evidence advanced that due 
to the presence of one of the aforesaid diriment impediments from which 
no dispensation had been or could be obtained there never was a valid 
marriage in that particular case. 

The wealth or poverty of the persons involved hasn't a thing to do 
with the decisions in such cases. As a matter of fact the records reveal that 
decisions in such cases have been rendered to more poor people than to 
rich people. When such a decision is granted to rich people, you read 
about it in the newspapers; the news of such decisions being granted poor 

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people never gets to the headlines. Moreover if the testimony advanced 
in a particular case is false, if people have lied about the matter and have 
not been found out and a decision of nullity is granted, the decision is of 
no avail. If the marriage was valid, it is still valid, and the decision of the 
Church, rendered on what was believed to be true testimony, has not in 
the eyes of God dissolved the marriage bond, and the second marriage is 
an adulterous one and is known to be such by the parties to that second 
marriage. 

Straightening Out Tangled Marriages 

Catholics who have contracted a marriage that for one reason or 
another is invalid, e. g., marriage witnessed by a Protestant minister or a 
justice of the peace, frequently think that they have put themselves hope-
lessly beyond the pale of the Catholic Church's interest in them. Because 
of this incorrect idea thousands each year are lost to the Church. Such 
people have sinned; in the eyes of the Church they are not validly married: 
but in many cases such marriages can be straightened out. Even in extreme 
cases, as for example where the non-Catholic party in the marriage is 
unwilling to appear before a priest, it is possible that the marriage can be 
straightened out, without his presence or even his knowledge. The Catholic 
in a case of this kind should have a talk with his pastor or another priest 
whom he knows. In many cases the marriage can be made valid, and the 
party or parties can return to the love and friendship of God. As long as 
such people remain away from the Church, they are in mortal sin and in 
danger of dying in this state and thus losing their immortal souls. The 
Church, like Christ, never loses interest in a soul; she is always glad to 
welcome the return of her prodigal children. 

Separation 

Married people must live together unless there is a very serious reason 
why they should not do so. The parties in the marriage contract may 
not themselves be the judges of the seriousness of the reasons in this matter. 
Married people should not separate even temporarily without presenting the 
case to their pastor, who will in turn consult the bishop if the case calls 
for this procedure. 

Divorce 

In the eyes of God there is no such thing as divorce in the sense 
in which it is generally understood today, i. e., divorce from the marriage 
bond with the right to remarry. (Cf. pages 44 and 46.) This is not a 
law of the Catholic Church alone; it is a law of God that binds every man 
and woman, be they Catholic, Protestant, Jew, or pagan. 

— 47 — 



For very serious reasons and in order that the injured party may 
benefit through recourse to law against the offending party, the Church 
does allow the offended party of the marriage contract to obtain a civil 
divorce from the offending party. But this "divorce" does not in the 
least affect the existence of the marriage bond. 

Neither party, not even the innocent party, can marry again, because 
a valid marriage cannot be broken by any civil authority. In a word 
the parties are still married, even though separated, and will remain married 
until the marriage bond is broken by the death of either one of the parties. 

Even a civil divorce may not be sought by a Catholic without the 
permission of the bishop of the diocese or the permission of the one 
whom the bishop delegates for this purpose. When serious reasons would 
seem to call for a civil divorce, the pastor should be consulted. 

— 48 —