25#those difficult years what parents should know about teenagers Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2016 https://archive.org/details/thosedifficultyewalk THOSE DIFFICULT YEARS what parents should know about teen-agers by Gerald L. Walker AVE MARIA PRESS Notre Dame, Indiana 46556 NIHIL OBSTAT: John L. Reedy, G.S.C. Censor Deputatus IMPRIMATUR: * Most Rev. Leo A. Pursley, D.D. p Bishop of Fort Wayne-South Bend J>P^C C q pa W\ Copyright 1968 Ave Maria Press All rights reserved. This book may not be reprodueed by any means in whole or in part without prior permission. CONTENTS Parents Must Let Go 6 How to Approach Mistakes 9 Trust Prepares for Communication 13 Youth Responds to Respect 16 School Problems 18 Adolescents and Religion 19 What Kind of Discipline? 25 The Struggle to Be Human 29 ' : s \ o \ .... .... ' ' ... v : U /!• f i r ; ***•-• . V • "• rr ••• . . . < THOSE DIFFICULT YEARS A 16-year-old boy once told me that his moth- er didn’t care about his schoolwork. He brought home a composition on which he had received a grade of B to show to her after school. He was proud of the grade he earned. “I haven’t got time to look at it now,” was her answer. A house- hold task became more important than a personal encounter with her son. “I’ll never show another paper again,” he said to me. “She isn’t interested in my work.” Similar incidents between teen-agers and their parents multiply by the hour. A snap judgment, a cutting remark, a misunderstood answer trig- gers parent-adolescent dynamite that flings sparks of dissension into another family crisis. Fear Hinders Communication Parents experience a disarming fear as their children of yesteryear slip into their teens. They realize that standards of conduct established for themselves a quarter-century ago no longer apply with the same meaning. Worried and sometimes terrified by the lurching social and moral demons of contemporary society, they assume a defensive position toward adolescents. This position usually affords unsuspecting parents all the built-in an- swers they will need in regulating the young lives of their sons and daughters. What results is a 5 one-sided authoritarianism of the “do as I say” variety— and the annihilation of family com- munication and love. When parents of teen-agers speak with me, they frequently ask the question, “What will I do with my son?” Often the best answer simply is, “Nothing. Leave him alone.” This obviously naive answer implies much more than it states. First of all, it excludes pa- ternalism, dominance, overbearance, authoritar- ianism. On the other hand, it includes love, concern, interest, respect, encouragement, under- standing. It allows the adolescent to develop a healthy independence. Yet it outlaws permissive- ness and license. Parents Must Let Go Parents find it difficult to employ a hands-off relationship with their teen-agers. Though not intending to be so, they often are selfish and possessive, a natural carry-over from former years when their children considered them heroes in all areas of adult life. At that time the parents’ control was absolute, every word final. But as the years move on, the child’s relationship toward his parents changes. If the latter fail to alter their image of their parental role, this lack of adjustment produces tension within the family. Tension arises as children enter adolescence and seem to say in effect: “Mother, Dad, I still need you but not in the same way as before. Can’t 6 you see that? You’ve done a great job so far and I appreciate it, but now you’ve got to let me grow up. Maybe I’ll get hurt and maybe you’ll get hurt too, but we’ve got to take the risk to- gether.” What appears cruel and ungrateful is not intended to be that at all. There simply is an insatiable drive in the adolescent that shouts: “I must grow up!” And he must do a maximum amount of growing up without the dominance of his parents. In his book The Miracle of Dialogue , Reuel L. Howe makes this observation about the parent- child relationship: “How hard it is for parents to respect and trust the uniqueness and powers of their children! While there are those aspects of life in which parents must decide and act for them until such time as they are able to decide and act for themselves, children should always have the experience of being met as free persons in a trusting and re- sponsible relationship.” As free persons these youngsters will often exasperate, sometimes disappoint, their elders. But they are emerging persons, still young and inexperienced at this game of growing up. They are no longer children— they are not yet adults. Launched in this amorphous no-man’s-land, they are involved in the vortex of physical, psycho- logical, intellectual, moral and social growth. Their maturity quotient may be far ahead of their 7 chronological growth— or it may languish de- plorably behind. They have a thousand needs - — real or imagined— starving to be fulfilled by those two persons who should understand them best: their parents. Youth Wants Respect as Person But most of all the teen-ager is a human being with his own singular combination of body and soul and personality and feelings that make him the person he is. He realizes that there is no other creature in the entire world quite like him. Endowed with this individuality and distinctive uniqueness, he simply wants to be treated like the growing and searching young person he is. Nothing more, nothing less. An adolescent once told me, “I like the way my parents treat me according to my age. Whenever I do something wrong they punish me and when I am good we are all happy. I wouldn’t do anything to break up this good feeling.” Anglican Clergyman Howe further states that: ‘‘The need for this trust increases as the children grow older, and it becomes acute in adolescence when the transition from childhood to adulthood is taking place. Then it is imperative that young persons be allowed their freedoms, but equally im- perative that they also have encounter with persons of conviction who, at the same time, respect their freedoms. With- 8 out this kind of relationship the indi- vidual simply flees from life, becomes pas- sive and locked up within himself; or he may become a fighting person whose cre- ativity is lost in the wastelands of his aggression.” Within this framework of trust, adolescents at times make mistakes, act immaturely, break the good confidence that parents and teachers place in them. But this failure is human per- formance in every stage of life’s development. Man never ceases to err, to fall short of his goals and expectations. In the case of the adolescent, he must be given that liberty which will enable him to do the right thing, even if sometimes this liberty allows him to make mistakes. Such liberty is necessary if he is to develop in an atmosphere that is natural to his humanness and his existen- tial situation of growing up. How to Approach Mistakes An adolescent will stumble in various ways. He receives a ticket for violating a traffic rule or ramming the front fender of his dad’s car into another. He meets trouble when he comes home late from a dance or party, his breath smelling of alcohol. He may go off limits or make a fool of himself in public or sneak cigarettes. All of these mistakes can be innocent enough in them- selves, the adolescent actually intending no malice by them. Nevertheless, after he has stumbled he 9 continues to need parental love and understand- ing and even respect more than ever before. His ego-acceptance dips critically low and his parents must genuinely build it up at a time when it most needs bolstering. Of course, parents must show their displeasure and punish when punishment is necessary, al- though this certainly is not required in every instance of misbehavior. There are degrees of seriousness and these must be considered. But most of all, parents ought to manifest an attitude that shows they understand that mistakes will be made— at the same time they convince their sons and daughters that mistakes can be life’s most important lessons, if only they will search out meaning in these mistakes. Constantly to reprove and reprimand simply feeds the fire of rebelliousness and makes matters in the home unavoidably worse. A 16-year-old student of mine approached the heart of his parent-son difficulty when he said, “The thing I dislike most about my parents is when they hold me down. I have to be what I want to be, not what they want me to be. I have to live and experience and witness.” And then he added, “They ask me lots of questions. I would rather be left alone.” On the Sidelines During their teen-agers’ painful growing-up process, parents must confidently and trustingly 10 stand on the sidelines, courageously accepting their role as silent observers. They must be will- ing to watch youth develop— to observe, encour- age, to offer good example themselves. Too much direction or too much sheltering hinders normal growth. After all, to carry the baby all its life is to prevent it permanently from walking. Concerning this sensitive area of parent-ado- lescent relationship, Canadian Psychologist Thom- as Francoeur (himself the father of two teen- agers) offers this comment to parents: “Adolescents are seeking for an indepen- dence of mature and free dependence. But they must find this and gradually become aware of it through our reverencing them as individuals with whom we can have rela- tionships of equality (on most occasions), and from whom we can learn. This is possible only on condition that we trust them, even at the risk of suffering at their hands. They need from us not paternalism but fratemalism. ,, It should be kept in mind that teen-agers resent any kind of super-sheltering that smacks of paternalism. One adolescent told me he dis- likes his father because “he treats me like a little kid. I don’t know whether he realizes it or not, but I am growing up and can take some responsi- bilities on my own.” Another boy said: “The one thing I most dislike about my mother is her telling me what to do when I can think for myself. I am 11 old enough (16) to do things myself without be- ing told. Maybe just reminding me is not as bad, but it still gives me a childish feeling.” “Being Important” No adolescent matures healthily if he harbors this childish feeling. Rather, he needs to feel that he is important— and he is! Parents satisfy this need when they discuss problems with him, respect his opinions— even ask for them— make him feel appreciated and necessary in the family. There is always his side of the story to be con- sidered, and when he is denied the opportunity to express it, talk about it, explain it, he is be- littled, often enraged, and usually demoralized. He likes to feel that his parents are aware of the importance of his ideas, his feelings— and of him. Moreover, adolescents need responsibility. They feel that they can plan, organize, decide. As a matter of fact, they often are capable of accomplishing far more than adults give them credit for. It is their nature to be inventive, crea- tive, ingenious, original. Given the responsibility for certain purchases, the care of the car or sec- tions of the home, planning a party or outing, they often perform astonishingly well. A com- ment by Lord Bryce emphasizes a point here: “If government were in the hands of the young, many mistakes would be made, but if government were run by old men, nothing would be done.” Youth 12 can, in fact does , get things done, and there is an indefinable magic about responsibility that works wonders in time. Trust Prepares for Communication Parents who manifest such trust and encour- age responsibility reinforce the youth’s self-con- fidence and help him to crystallize his own image in his search for self-identity. Without this, the parents destroy any hope of communication with the teen-ager, thus precluding any good influence upon him that they might otherwise have had. Apropos is a significant observation by Reuel Howe: “The importance of dialogue (communica- tion) for this juncture of growth lies in the fact that it expresses mutual respect so that youth need neither repress creativity nor throw it away, and age need neither seek to dominate nor turn away from youth in frustration.” We dare not underestimate the need and effectiveness of communication. So often a parent says: “My son (or daughter) just doesn’t listen to me.” But does that parent ever listen to his son or daughter? Communication can be the leaven which determines harmony among family members. If parents and their adolescents talk over problems, discuss observations, expose ani- mosities and attempt to solve misunderstandings. 13 they are setting the stage for a future love-rela- tionship which can grow more intense as the years move on. Sometimes the adolescents really want to express their opinions, disagreements, worries and joys to their mothers or fathers. If parents respond with impatience, ridicule, in- difference or sarcasm, the youngsters take their problems elsewhere, usually to their own peers who are no better off than they are. When They Won’t Talk On the other hand, parents may find that their adolescents are reticent, tight-lipped, reluc- tant to discuss anything about themselves that is of serious import. Any number of causes may contribute to this situation. Perhaps openness has not been encouraged in the home, perhaps parents conditioned their children to discuss only certain things, unconsciously prohibiting others. Maybe the adolescents have learned to talk about only those things in their lives that bolster their parents’ egos. It is possible that the latter have even pried into the very personal business of their young. Should any of these causes exist, then easy, free communication in the home is certainly re- stricted. If adolescents feel their parents are invading their privacy (and young people need this too), they usually retaliate with the silent treatment. It is their single handy defense. Youngsters instinctively sense what to avoid in 14 conversation with parents. When they realize that by giving the truth they are responding in a manner that will be unfavorably received by either parent, they even resort to lying. Lying in this case will at least establish a certain liv- ableness within the family circle. Finally, there are those areas of adolescent consciousness that no one invades and young persons will respect those adults who have discovered just which ones they are. What all of this leads to is the need of genuine respect between persons in the home. Psycho- analyst Erich Fromm defines respect in The Art of Loving as “. . . the ability to see a person as he is, to be aware of his unique individuality. Re- spect means the concern that the other person should grow and unfold as he is. Respect, thus, implies the absence of ex- . ploitation. I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me. If I love the other person, I feel one with him or her, but with him as he is , not as I need him to be as an object for my use. It is clear that respect is possible only if I have achieved independence; if I can stand and walk without needing crutches, without having to dominate and exploit anyone else. Respect exists only on the basis of freedom: ‘Love is the child of freedom, never that of domination, * as an old French song says.” 15 Youth Responds to Respect Teen-agers automatically respond to adults who respect and love them. One 15-year-old boy told me: “My father respects my opinion and honestly seeks it, not to please me, but to be used by him. He always acts with great tact and seldom, if ever, asks embarrassing questions about me in the presence of my friends. Although some of my acquaintances avoid their fathers, I enjoy being in the presence of mine.” Another said: “The one thing I really like about my father is his unusual ability to reason and think, and his great tool of discretion. About my mother is her good-heartedness and her at- tempt to understand me.” Still another comments about his mother’s respect for him: “My mother treats me like I was really a more mature person than my age reveals. She doesn’t, like some mothers do, always tell me when I can go some- place and when I have to be back and how much money I can spend and what I can do there.” Even When Not Earned Psychologist E. Nora Ryan, in an article in The Family Circle magazine, writes about a Mr. H. who said his son “wasn’t earning my respect.” She pointed out: “Children can’t always earn it. We have to give it to them even though they don't earn it. You wouldn’t say to a flower you’ve planted, ‘Grow, dam you, or I won’t water 16 you!' In order to grow, your flowers need your attention and care. Well, a child is like a flower. In order to grow, he needs your support and love. Eric feels that he can’t do anything successfully because he has been criticized so much. He is an un- sure adolescent trying to find his way. He needs reassurance. If he could believe that he is going to grow up and accomplish something, just as you have, he’d prob- ably quit doing foolish things.” Besides reassurance, adolescents need en- couragement. In fact, they thrive on it. Adults do too for that matter. The average adult needs encouragement from his family, friends and busi- ness associates. Many a man has achieved suc- cess in his job only because of faithful and per- sistent encouragement from his wife. When teen- agers are most desperate for even the slightest bit of encouragement, they often run head-on into grim discouragement instead. For instance, a low grade on a report card elicits a bitter ha- rangue, restrictions and condemnation for lazi- ness from his parents. On the other hand, a young person spon- taneously responds to the encouragement of a parent who praises him for an algebra grade that rose half a point, or shows interest by offering help in a weak subject. “My parents are most understanding when it comes to my schooling,” one fellow told me. “They understand my prob- lems that I have with my studies and will always help me if they can.” 17 School Problems Low scholastic achievement is a common ma- jor cause of distress for the teen-ager. He can- not avoid the ugly fact that he is failing in En- glish or history or Latin or biology. Too often parents and teachers do not take the interest to discover why grades were poor, thus failing to express a personal concern toward their ado- lescents’ scholastic underachievement. Actually, any one of many possible causes can contribute to low grades. For example, poor health, sleepless nights, nervous tension, a girl- friend or boyfriend, fear of failure, social unac- ceptance, insecurity, religious problems and sim- ply low native ability are some of the causes that can and do affect the learning process. For adults to consider and evaluate causes is merely being human about the whole thing. Pushy Parents An allied scholastic problem is the parents’ desire to send youngsters to college. This college game is a fetish in some instances. Many psy- chologists even say that such parents want their children to fulfill that which has been a failure in their own lives. And much could be said about the importance that status plays in such thinking. A son must be groomed for a prestigious college because father went there. A daughter is steered into a select profession because mother can’t see anything else for her. The adolescent is 1 made to 18 believe that he is a failure unless he satisfies his parents’ lofty designs. If he falls short, only de- moralizing failure remains. With such persistent demands from the home, an immense amount of dignity and self-respect can be completely sapped from a youngster. Let’s face it! Not every adolescent is qualified for college and therefore those who are not should not be forced to go. To insist on such a young- ster’s going to some college, even Podunk College, is to drain the last drop of blood from an already bleeding turnip. Wouldn’t it be better to ease this teen-ager into an occupation or trade school or industry where he best qualifies rather than to force him into a college where he may suffer severe discouragement because of his intellectual inadequacies? A person performs best in his proper situation and environment— and for many high school graduates, college simply is not one of them. Adolescents and Religion The mysterious area of religion often causes distress for adolescents and their parents as well. One mother I know, concerned about the religious problems that she felt her young son was ex- periencing, said to me: “I haven’t done anything about it yet.” I told her I hope that she wouldn’t. Parents cannot understand why their boy is no longer as interested as he was previously in reli- gion, perhaps is less inclined to pray and even to 19 attend religious services or volunteer for church work. Assuredly, the son is perplexed about the problem too. The rebellious adolescent sees his God, his Church, his religion symbolically as authority figures. And so in his struggle for independence, he often rejects everything religious. He himself is distressed because he appears to be throwing out concepts and beliefs that he once held sacred during younger years. What he and his parents may not immediately comprehend is that this is all part of an honest search for meaningful con- cepts about God and religion. Hopefully, he is in the process of making a religious commitment that will carry him securely into adulthood. If parents meddle with adolescent conscience in matters of religion, force him to continue boy- hood religious practices (many perhaps senti- mental) which momentarily seem not important to him, they may upset a very complex evolve- ment that is the personal concern and respon- sibility of the boy. Such meddling may embitter him for life and turn him completely away from any desirable form of religion. At best, parents themselves must continue to uphold religious values in the home. The lack of implicated in- volvement can be their most helpful contribution to one of their son’s or daughter’s deepest per- sonal problems. 20 Teachers and Students At a meeting of sophomore teachers the coun- selor was asked to suggest what might be done to improve student-teacher relationships. He said: “They (students) simply want to be treated as human persons. Adolescents aren’t any dif- ferent from the rest of us in this matter.” To act humanly toward teen-agers, parents ought never treat them as objects. They are not things to be manipulated and used but rather human beings deserving of love and appreciation. This love and appreciation cannot be only im- plied or hinted at. It must be expressed. E. Nora Ryan emphasizes this point: “A boy’s need to be liked by his male parent is essential to the son’s sense of adequacy and to his self-esteem. A father’s love assures a boy that he is all right. If he doesn’t have this feeling of being all right , he may compensate for its absence by developing into an overly aggressive youngster. Or, on the other hand, he may become a timid boy, convinced that, be- cause his father apparently has so little use for him, he — the son — doesn’t amount to much.” The adolescent is grieved when adults refuse to accept him as the individual person he is. He wants his parents, teachers and other adults to trust him, believe in him, feel that he can do a good job — even a spectacular job — at growing 21 up. As one boy put it: “The thing I like most about my parents is that they trust me. This means a lot to me.” Young people desire honesty, integrity, and any other human quality which will strengthen and develop them as persons. When adults consistently mistrust them, disbe- lieve in them, question their integrity, subjugate them, belittle them, they are nothing less than inhuman in the adolescents’ eyes. Avoid Public Humiliation Human treatment is the very substance of all personal relations. It is for this reason that novice school teachers, for example, are counseled not to reprimand a youngster in the presence of other classmates. They soon learn the ego-shattering effects that public humiliation has on a child. There are parents who refrain from correcting their children around the dinner table or dis- cussing problems of misbehavior which occurred during that day. In effect, they recognize the need to regard the feelings of their children in the presence of others, even those of his own family. Whatever correcting has to be done waits until a later hour and is carried out in private. These parents know the value of a pleasant din- ner hour— and also the truth of the adage : noise breeds noise! For example, one boy observed this about his father: “My dad gets angry and shouts a lot. This really makes me tremble. And also when he’s 22 mad, the whole house knows about it.” Another boy expressed dread of his father in this way: “Many boys are always in a constant fear of what their father will do to them if they are caught doing something wrong. In my case I fear what my father will say. Every time he gets mad at me he yells and cusses and says everything very insulting and rude. It causes me to feel as if he were not really my father.” A boy said this of his mother: “When there is a lot of company she does not hesitate to tear me (or my brothers and sisters) down in front of them. We are often punished in front of company. I don’t care to know what my aunts and uncles think of me. Probably the worst.” Such boys as these will be long in regaining confidence and self-respect — two human qualities which are essential for maintaining balanced mental health at any age. Strong Interest Is Paramount An adolescent needs to feel that his parents are interested in what he is doing both in and out of school. The adolescent quoted at the beginning of this booklet is a case at hand. Another sophomore was hurt to tears because his father was not interested in him and didn’t show any concern for the things he was doing. Further discussion exposed the source of the boy’s grief: the father had not attended a single basketball game in which the son played back in the eighth grade. Needless to say, there was a minimum of 23 communication between them. The son feared his father and felt that he (the father) didn’t understand him. Playing junior high basketball was momen- tously important to that young man, but his father failed to realize this. Actually, there is no age like adolescence when even the seemingly most insignificant things assume “life and death” proportions. When a teen-ager admits that “my parents usually don’t take anything I say serious- ly,” as one boy I know did, then a re-evaluation of the parents’ hierarchy of interests is impera- tive. The same condition exists in the case of another boy who said: “My father never com- ments on the girls I talk about or go out with.” Parents Must Listen Now! The now moment is always important to the adolescent. When he finds that parents have time for him by listening and talking, then he realizes that they are also interested in him. In the book To Conquer Loneliness, Harold Blake Walker states : “It is listening to the little things when our youngsters feel in the mood to chat that we create confidence that leads to larger shar- ing. ... We cannot force them to satisfy either our need or theirs for communica- tion. We can simply be receptive and pa- tient.” 24 Therefore, if teen-agers want to discuss such things as cars, hair styles, motorcycles, jazz, dis- cipline, responsibility, freedom and maturity now, then parents will gain much by showing an eager interest in discussing these topics with them now. Once a fellow is ignored by a parent, or has reason to feel that he is, years of ground-laying rapport can be destroyed in a single incident. Sometimes an adolescent spends days and days fabricating a conversation in his mind, carefully deciding the exact words he will speak to his parents. He reaches a sense of openness and hon- esty that has taken much courage to muster. Finally the right moment arrives. There will never be another one quite like it. Should his parents be nonreceptive or preoccupied for any reason whatsoever, a precious opportunity for communication can be permanently destroyed— and usually is. What Kind of Discipline? What about the atmosphere of discipline in the home? A clinical psychologist I know said he fears for the children in a home he visits and sees them sitting very properly, being splendidly quiet, and going to bed without a fuss. He suspects an atmosphere of repression in this home— a condition, however, which may or may not be true. Certainly order, good conduct and quiet are desirable— even necessary— in home life. 25 All of these qualities manifest a definite respect for the parents on the part of the young. But if in fact a restrained and restricted at- mosphere exists in a home, it is as if the people there live like robots, controlled by computer or push button. Psychologically they are being raised in a straight]acket, a condition which can have devastating effects on adolescent per- sonality development. From this type of home environment evolves a parental philosophy something like: “I’ll do unto my teen-ager what I think I should do unto him.” This is not too bad as far as it goes, but it concludes too abruptly. It fails to consider what needs to be done for him. Furthermore, it as- sumes that the parents have all the answers— and they don’t! Youth are naturally attracted to a home that is allowed to be a home, and where people in it are allowed to develop and live as genuine persons. Yet I know of one mother who didn’t allow her son to bring friends into the house if it wasn’t in perfect order, fearing what neighbors would think of her shoddy housekeeping. Another discouraged teen-age visiting because her son’s friends made black heel marks on the polished floor around the pool table. Balance Needed A delicate balance in disciplinary matters is necessary if parents are to provide the healthiest possible framework for their youngsters’ self- 26 development. Too permissive are the parents of the boy who remarked: “My parents always say to me: we’re not going to tell you how to live your life now because you’re only young once. Live the way you want to.” Adolescents actually desire guidelines, direc- tion and family norms that will help them to form their lives. They realize that their youth and in- experience demand parental counsel, and they appreciate this fact, like the boy who said: “My parents won’t allow me to do things everybody else my age is doing.” And then he added, “Still, I feel they are being fair and have confidence in me.” Total license and unconcern on the part of parents, however, elicit a remark like the follow- ing from a confused boy: “I never bother my father when he is watching TV at night. He doesn’t care what I do.” Strengthening Initiative In all avenues of parent-adolescent relation- ship, care must be taken not to kill initiative, in- ventiveness and creativity, recalling Teilhard de Chardin’s trenchant remark that “Creativity is a sign of God dwelling within us.” If one accepts de Chardin’s assertion, then he must also accept the fact that to smother creativity in an adoles- cent is to destroy a part of his godlike personality. For example, teen-agers are eager to use their initiative to organize their own plans, execute their assigned duties and become largely respon- 27 sible for the management of their own lives. And they should be allowed to do so. To repeat every direction, question every detail, investigate every infraction and oversee every movement is to stifle the youngster with overbearance and de- stroy his natural aggressiveness. It is the parents’ paramount task and duty to assist adolescent sons and daughters to experience the greatness of each moment, whether this be in joy or in pain. They must encourage the sacred inventiveness in their youngsters through trust and understanding, yet remain on the sidelines and be always present to fulfill those needs that only they can fulfill. Remaining detached is not an easy thing to do. But difficult things must not remain unac- complished simply because they are difficult. French Psychologist Marc Oraison even insists that parents must be ready to “hand on the job,” possibly to someone outside the family such as a friend, clergyman or counselor. He further says that . . they (parents) should respect the coming to fruition of the freedom of this new adult, since they can no longer do as much as they were able to do in childhood to guide and correct it. Above all else it is essential for them to accept the fact that their child is beginning quite legitimately to ‘escape’ from them, or, in other words, is becoming that ever intriguing mystery, an autonomous individual.” 28 The Struggle to Be Human The original title of this pamphlet could well have been “The Struggle to Be Human.” And although I didn’t use it, this theme permeates every aspect of growth and development through the difficult teen-age years. The adolescent is simply trying, indeed struggling , to be human and craving to be treated humanly as he searches for meaning to his sometimes confused life. In the process he is draining all the excitement out of life that he possibly can. And this is good! He should be led to see that life is worth living, that hardships and disappointments are compensated for by joy and satisfaction, that order and disci- pline are rewarded by integrity and fulfillment. In some way he has to make sense out of his own life, the day-to-day living with his parents and family, and his encounter with the social world. Don’t Be Overanxious In the meantime parents must not become overanxious. They dare not construct some pre- conceived idea of what they desire their children to become and then physically and morally force them into this pattern. Nor may they demand any guarantee or promises from their youngsters as to what they will become. Life just doesn’t work that way. They must look upon their ado- lescent offspring not as finished products, but rather as the unfinished products they are— merely neophytes in this game of life. 29 In the final analysis parents must be eminently patient, trusting, tolerant, understanding, loving and courageous— courageous in taking the risks that human development demands. One of the risks is confidently believing that they do teach more by what they are than by what they say. If they can present themselves to their adolescent sons and daughters as integrated, productive, well-adjusted adult human beings, then they are offering them a priceless service. It is the most they can do! 30 Suggested Reading List for Parents (and their teens) 1. Strangers in the House, Andrew Greeley, Sheed & Ward, New York. 2. Young Men Shall See Visions , Andrew Greeley, Sheed & Ward, New York. 3. * Letters to Nancy, Andrew Greeley, Sheed & Ward, New York. 4. Teen-Agers Guide for Living, Landis and Landis, Prentice-Hall, Inc., Englewood Cliffs, N.J. 5. Crisis of Faith } P. Babin, Herder and Herder, New York. 6. Patterns for Teenagers , Vincent J. Giese, Fides, Notre Dame, Ind. 7. Our Children Grow Up, Mary Reed Newland, P. J. Kenedy & Sons, New York. 8. Teen-Age Tyranny, Grace and Fred Hechinger, William Morrow & Company, New York. 9. Why Wait Till Marriage ?, Evelyn M. Duvall, Association Press, New York. 10. Love and the Facts of Life, Evelyn M. Duvall, Association Press, New York. 11. The Art of Dating, Evelyn M. Duvall, Association Press, New York. 12. The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm, Harper Colo- phon Books, Evanston, 111. 31 ' . . - arrp AVE MARIA PRESS Notre Dame, Indiana 46556