SANCTIT.

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MARRIED

For
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by Donald J. Thorman



Digitized by the Internet Archive

in 2016

https://archive.org/details/sanctityformarriOOthor



SANCTITY

for the

MARRIED

by Donald J. Thorman

AVE MARIA PRESS

Notre Dame, Indiana



NIHIL OBSTAT:

John L. Reedy, C.S.C.

Censor Deputatus

IMPRIMATUR:

Most Rev. Leo A. Pursley, D.1X

Bishop of Fort Wayne

September, 1958

Fifth Printing— September, 1962
©, 1958, Ave Maria Press

All rights reserved. This pamphlet may not be reproduced

by any means in whole or in part without prior permission.

Deacfdiffed



Sanctity for the Married

“O.K., Father, you say mar-

riage is a special vocation, that

a man and his wife should become

saints through their marriage? All

right, I’m married. I’ve got five

kids to prove it. My wife and I

get along pretty well, but we’re

not ready for halos yet. So how

do we use our marriage to become

saints?”

This question, in one form or

another, is coming at priests more

often these days. Usually it will

be phrased in a half-embarrassed,

half-humorous way. Nevertheless,

there are a great many Catholic

couples who are seriously looking

for the ways they can serve God

better in their marriage. They

almost hate to admit it, but they

do want to know how they can

use their marriage to become

saints together.

Every marriage— like every
person— is something distinct. It
needs special advice, special treat-

ment. This booklet cannot take

the place of the direction which

should come from a priest who

knows the couple personally, but

3



it will offer some ideas about the basic means the husband

and wife can use to become saints through their marriage.

We're aiming at heaven, at an everlasting happiness in the

presence of God. During our life on earth, if we know what

we’re doing, we will build our own heaven. This means that

right now we will try to know Christ better—we will try to
live closer to Him—so we can be prepared for the face-to-face
union with God we will enjoy in heaven.

If we are going to grow spiritually, we must work to

develop particular virtues, and these virtues grow with those

actions that nourish the love of God and the love of neighbor

in our souls. We can grow in charity, for example, by being
kind, understanding and generous to the new family that moved

in next door. We can grow in humility and obedience by
occasionally giving up our own wishes for the common good

of the whole family.

But even a pagan will often do these things, simply because

decency and self-respect demand actions of this kind. The

couple who want to become saints must supernaturalize actions

of this kind. They must raise these deeds above the natural

plane by doing them to fulfill God’s Will; they must root their

spiritual lives in a frequent and worthy reception of the sacra-

ments; they must use the changing of diapers, the checking of

homework, the overtime hours at the office as means of grow-

ing in grace and the love of God.

At the same time, the husband and wife must work in-

dividually and must help each other to get rid of the faults

and vices which hold them back from spiritual progress: the

expressions of pride, of selfishness, the “cattiness” of the bridge

session or of the kaffeeklatch

,

the husband’s tendency to be

indifferent to the needs and troubles of others.

Most of you already know the broad outline of what is

necessary for spiritual growth. But now you are married
;
you

have tied your life to that of another person in the closest

union possible for human beings. What effect has this had

4



on your struggle to become a saint? How do marriage and

family life change the ground rules of this effort for holiness?

For all of us—priest or layman, married or single—heaven
is the goal. And Christ told us how to achieve that goal.

Nevertheless, the particular circumstances of our lives, the

kind of day-to-day routines we follow, do call for an applica-

tion of Christ’s teaching to the special problems and oppor-

tunities we face as individuals.

Therefore, we can talk about sanctity or spirituality for

married couples because marriage and all that it involves can

have a profound effect on our climb toward sanctity.

Start with Sex

Sex isn’t the most important element in a marriage, but

the sex-happy society in which we live almost forces us to think

first of sex when we are considering any aspect of marriage

—just as we are being forced to think of sex when we try to
decide which toothpaste, soap or automobile to use.

It’s true that the sex urge can raise some of the more

obvious problems of married life, but it’s also true that sex is

a gift from God, that it is intended to help a husband and wife

fit their married life to the plan God has in mind for it. A
correct understanding of sex and the proper use of it can

help a couple to become saints through their marriage.

Sex takes its meaning from marriage. Its primary purpose,

of course, is that cooperation by which the husband and wife

join their powers to the creative Will of God to bring new

persons into the world. Through the intimacy of married love,

the partners should grow in a deep love and respect for each

other. It’s important for the husband and wife to realize that

the sex act is not merely something that is permitted to them

because they have accepted the obligations of marriage. It is

one important way in which they cooperate with God’s Will.

It should be an expression of love for God and for the marriage

5



partner—the human expression of the most intimate union of
souls. Human love expressed in the use of the sex powers

should lead to a deep spiritual love between husband and wife,

and, in this way, it should draw them both up to a deeper

love of God.

One way in which the single person shows his love of God

is by completely abstaining from the use of his sexual powers.

The married couple show their love for Him by the proper

use of sex. This is the most obvious way in marriage which

influences our struggle for holiness.

The begetting of children, the warmth and love of the

marriage partners for each other, are positive acts by which

the husband and wife can gain spiritual merit. They are all

acts of virtue which, with the right intention, can increase the

amount of grace in their souls. And the simple fact is that

the amount of grace in our souls at the moment of death is

going to determine the degree of sanctity we will have for

all eternity.

The union of two persons in the holy use of sex should

reflect the union of love which will bind the conscientious

married couple to their Savior in heaven.

Children and Sanctity

Anyone who has watched a young child spill his cup of

milk for the fourth time during one meal should understand

that children, in one way or another, are also going to have

an effect on the parents’ efforts to become holy.

The child is the product of his parents’ love for each other.

When they nourish, protect, cherish, their child, they are serv-

ing their own love, as well as this new soul whom God has

given into their care.

The child, even as an infant, can help his parents make

their lives and their marriage successful. He can help them to

become saints, but first the parents must see the child as part

6



of God’s plan for their marriage—rather than as a cute, sticky,
lovable nuisance.

One couple I knew took their marriage, their vocation,

their sanctity seriously from the time they became engaged.

During the first months after their wedding, they worked out

a neatly wrapped plan of the way in which they would build

their home on religious practices. They had time set aside

each day for at least a little spiritual reading; they went to

Mass and received the sacraments together regularly; they

made a married couples’ retreat together.

Then came the first baby.

That was the end of the well-planned program. As the

family grew, the mother complained: “The children take so

much time that I even have a hard time getting to Sunday

Mass. If I’m not washing diapers, I’m wiping noses or pre-

paring meals. I barely get the children dressed and out for

the morning when they’re back in for lunch. When the dishes

are washed, I have a little time to get the house straightened

out. Then it’s time to begin supper. There’s no such thing as

a time to pray or read any more.’’

Later on, when these children are in school, the mother

will find herself caught up in a round of activities. The father

who formerly spent time getting the small children to bed will

have to help with homework or devote time to hobbies and

games—unless he is going to become just “that man who
pays the bills.’’

Practically, this means that the spiritual life of the couple

is affected. The husband, when he was single, or before the

children were born, might have stopped by the parish church

for a visit on his way home from work. He might have been

able to attend weekday Mass frequently. The wife could get

to a later Mass after her husband was off to work; she could

find time for visits to the church, spiritual reading, acts of

charity for the neighbors.

But the arrival of the children often puts an end to some

7



of these practices, it curtails others. Interrupted sleep

frequently makes it difficult to get up in time for that early

Mass. The stack of bills, which grows in proportion to the

number of pairs of shoes that must be bought can discourage

a husband from having breakfast downtown after Mass and

Communion.

On the surface, these problems seem to discourage a vital

spiritual life for the mother and father. This, of course, is not

true. These difficulties simply mean that the married couple

must adapt their spiritual growth to the circumstances of their

life together. They must use different tools, different practices,

to become saints.

Straight thinking on this matter is absolutely necessary if

the husband and wife are to make any spiritual progress.

Occasionally you run into a young married man or woman

who, possibly without realizing it, resents the children God

has given to them. This type of person can miss the ridiculous

contradiction in his attitude as he regrets the roadblocks his

growing family puts in the way of his spiritual growth. “I’m

willing to make the sacrifice,” he tells himself, “but it is one of

the biggest sacrifices. Things were going so smoothly. I could

have made so much progress ... if I could have continued to

concentrate on spiritual values.”

Ridiculous

!

Talk about “the grass being greener in the other pasture!”

This is the same kind of self-delusion that makes a young

religious in the novitiate believe that in six weeks he can get

rid of all his vices, in another six weeks he can gain all the

virtues . . . and then he’ll be ready for canonization.

Actually, this husband or wife has the foolish notion that

sanctity becomes more difficult for him because he is following

God’s Will for him. That’s what a vocation is—whether it’s a
vocation to the priesthood or to marriage—the special kind of
life in which God wants you to become a saint. Holiness

doesn’t come easily for anyone. If it seems to, it would be a

8



pretty good bet that it's not really

holiness that you’re talking about.

Caring for the 24-hour-a-day

demands of small children is the

way most parents are expected to

practice the spiritual and corporal

works of mercy. Slaving at a desk,

a stove or an assembly line can

be just as meritorious for the

parent as the missionary’s long

hours devoted to the care of out-

cast lepers. Children should not

be obstacles to grace, any more

than Jesus was an obstacle to the

sanctity of Mary and Joseph; they

should be the occasions for grace.

If they are not, it is not the fault

of the children; it’s the fault of

the parents who are feeling sorry

for themselves and longing for a

life to which God didn’t call them.

Christ told us that whatsoever

we do for the least of His breth-

ren, we do for Him. Among these

“least of His brethren” are our

own children. When we feed and

clothe the infant, we are serving

Christ. When we instruct and dis-

cipline the growing child, we are

serving Christ. When we advise

the teen-ager and gradually make

that painful recognition of his

self-reliance, we are still serving

Christ.

The parent who sees Christ in

9



his children and serves them unselfishly is opening the door

of his soul to a divine grace and love. He is bringing his

own will into conformity with the Will of God. This is

becoming a saint.

Every state of life has its own particular virtues and

opportunities for holiness, and the married state is no ex-

ception. Charity—love of God and neighbor—is essential
for all, but the mother and father have special opportunities to

develop this love in the sympathy, understanding and sacrifice

which is demanded of them as part of the daily routine.

Sacrifice is the only language in which love can express

itself, and sacrifice is at the core of marital and family life.

Parents must learn to sacrifice their privacy, their time and

their own wishes—constantly—for the common good of their
family. In this sense, marriage is “a school of perfection.”

Children, simply by being themselves, offer their parents a

continuing opportunity for growth in the virtues. Charity,

because children sop up love like dry sponges; love is the

ground in which the personality of a child can grow. Obedience,

because the child’s ever-present demand for attention right now

is a constant call for the parents to obey the obligations they

accepted when they chose their vocation. Humility, because

the parents are steadily called upon to subject their wishes,

their ambitions, to the good of the family. And what better

occasion for humility can you find than the understanding

acceptance of the “taken for granted” attitude with which most

children regard their parents and the sacrifices their parents

make for them.

Also, the work of forming a child’s character is a constant

reminder to the mother and father that they must re-examine

their own characters. The father who hears his son begin to

use some of the off-color expressions which he himself uses,

or the mother who hears her teen-age daughter echoing the

cutting gossip which she herself passed on to a neighbor over

morning coffee will usually experience a severe jolt. This kind

10



of lesson will have more effect than half a dozen sermons

on scandal.

Thus, the parents are under a constant pressure to put into

their own lives the virtues they are trying to develop in their

children.

The whole pattern of married life lends itself to a realistic,

down-to-earth formula for growth in sanctity. The parents

who live up to their obligations, for the right motive (to show

their love of God) have the battle half-won.

Sanctify and the World

The concrete circumstances of spiritual growth are different

for the married person and for the priest or religious. Sanctity

for the husband or wife grows out of the home and family.

For the priest or religious, it must grow in different surround-

ings (though the roots and the flower are the same).

There is another difference. The priest and religious have

renounced the “world.” Though they devote their lives to the

sanctification of this world, they must not be of it. The

married person is part of the world, and this fact, too, will

make his approach to sanctity distinctive.

People in the apostolic movements are always talking about

the difference between the temporal and spiritual order. What

they mean is something like this: the priest or religious is

interested in things like housing, education, civil rights legisla-

tion primarily because these things involve problems and

opportunities for the salvation and sanctification of souls.

The layman is certainly interested in these issues for the

same reason. But as a layman, who is as much a part of this

world as anyone else, he is also interested because the political,

social and economic institutions involved have a natural good-

ness of their own. Ultimately, like all things, they must be

viewed as rungs on the ladder to God, but they can also be

seen as having an intermediate goal of their own—simply to
11



make it possible for man to live a good, dignified human life

in society. This latter view is what we mean by the temporal

common good .

Looking at the temporal common good, the Catholic, the

Protestant, the Jew, the Moslem can have the same attitude

toward labor legislation or segregation—for the same reasons.
It’s not likely that this would be true if they were considering

the problems from the viewpoint of the spiritual order, because

their ideas of the ultimate goal would not be the same.

The world is not something evil. The religious withdraws

from it, because he wants to get away from its distractions in

order to concentrate more completely on the things of God.

But the world, as God created it is good, and it is important

for the husband and wife to realize that they can grow in

sanctity by accepting their responsibility in the various social

organizations to which they belong.

If labor for the salvation of souls is a spiritual work, so,

too, is labor for the sanctification of human institutions a

spiritual work.

With the right intention, the husband and wife who give

themselves to the service of groups such as the P.T.A., a labor

union, a professional association, a woman’s civic organization

are performing virtuous, spiritual acts.

Of course, this obligation and opportunity applies to the

single person, too. But the married person, simply by being

married, has committed himself to a life in the world, and he

will be neglecting his obligations if he shuts himself up within

the prefab walls of his duplex and acts as though nothing

existed outside his home.

Any over-all plan for spiritual growth for lay people must

give proper attention to the place of the world and the temporal

order in God’s plan for mankind.

12



Plan of Action

We need more than knowledge if we are going to become
Christlike. It’s true that, basically, the saint is the person

who loves God completely. But this love isn't something

passive. When we love a person, we express that love by doing

things for the beloved. Love isn't something we obtain and

then keep, like a television set. It's more like the ability to

play the piano. A person hasn't mastered the piano simply
because he can sit down and thump out the ‘‘Blue Danube."

As a matter of fact a person never really “masters" the piano.

As long as he lives he can go on improving. He never stands

still. If he doesn't practice, he begins to lose his ability; if he

does practice regularly, he's almost certain to improve.

Sanctity is something like this. We will never actually
achieve sanctity in this life, because one of its essential elements

is the constant effort to love God more, to develop the virtues

more completely, to root out more thoroughly all attachments

to sin and imperfection. This calls for a plan.

Though a rigid program is not necessary, any plan for

sanctity must include these elements: the Liturgy, Mental

Prayer, the Apostolate.

The liturgy should come first in our thinking. The Popes,

as well as many spiritual writers, use terms like “first," “pri-

mary," “indispensable," when speaking of the liturgy as a

source of sanctity.

Many Catholics are frightened off when the word “liturgy"

is dropped into a discussion. It sounds abstract, mysterious.

It suggests the need for a good deal of special, technical knowl-

edge. Actually, though, the liturgy simply refers to the Mass

and the sacraments, the Divine Office and the sacramentals.

Every practicing Catholic participates in the liturgy, in one

way or another, when he assists at Mass, when he receives the

sacraments, when he uses the “official" prayers of the church.

And for the Catholic, there is no spiritual growth unless he

13



does make use of these means. They are the primary means

by which the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in our souls. They

are the chief sources of the grace which will make us saints.

First, of course, is the Mass in which we come into direct

contact with Christ. To the Mass we bring ourselves, our joys,

hopes and sufferings. But we cannot stop there. We must
also bring our family, our work, and the environment in which

we live. We must join all these elements of our life to the
sacrifice being offered by the priest at the altar.

And, if we are truly working to increase the love of God and

the love of neighbor in our souls—if we are showing this love
in our actions—we obtain from the Mass great blessings for
our life here on earth. More importantly, our souls are deluged

with sanctifying grace; our whole lives are lifted higher into

the supernatural plane.

It's true that the Mass, like all sacraments, confers its

grace on all who make use of it, as long as they’re not in the

state of sin. But it’s also true that the person who has the

proper attitude toward the Mass, who assists devoutly, and

who makes a real effort to carry the Mass into his home, his

office, his club, will receive much more grace than the in-

different person who goes to Mass only because he is obliged to.

The Mass should be the center of our lives. Not that all

other things are unimportant. We can’t neglect our other

duties and obligations to concentrate exclusively on this

sacrifice. It’s better to think of the Mass as being the high

point of our day, or of our week. Our work, leisure, associa-

tion with others should be a preparation for our next Mass;

they should also be the application of the sacrifices we offered

up in our last Mass.

Personally, Christ is the Fruit of the Mass for each of us.

In this sense the climax of the Sacrifice is the Communion.

But on the social level, the fruit of the Mass is shown in the

way we take Christ back into our family, our offices and our

neighborhoods. Only through us can Christ become a living

14



part of our society and culture. The Mass is a great social act,

aimed not only at the sanctification of the individuals, but at

the sanctification of society as well.

In this way, Christ lives in the world through us. We are

Christ’s hands and feet. We’re His representatives in the

factory, the office, the kitchen. Instead of being visibly present

Himself, He chooses to depend on us, to let us carry Him into

every part of the world.

He has given you a job when even His chosen ones—His
Bishops and priests—cannot perform. They cannot get into
your factory or office or kitchen and daily make Christ live

there. That is your job. Only you can do it.

To the Mass we bring everything; but from the Mass we

also take Everything. Our life does not stop with the Holy

Sacrifice; it begins there. Around the Mass our life becomes

a continuous cycle: Preparation, the climax of the Communion,

and the daily carrying of Christ into our homes, our work and

our community.

For the husband and wife, this means that they are con-

stantly preparing for Mass, and applying the graces of the

Mass, as they go through the frequently monotonous routine of

fulfilling their duties to each other and to their children.

One final word about the Mass—and this applies to prayer
in general. You sometimes hear a person complain: “I don’t

feel that I’m getting anything out of it. My mind is distracted
by worries about the budget and about the visitors who are

coming next week. I’m there at Mass, and I try to assist

devoutly, but I feel that I’m just fulfilling the obligation.”

First, whenever we try to pray, we are praying. God knows

how hard it is for us to keep our minds from flitting around

to other interests. All He wants is a sincere effort. And, at

times, this dry effort will bring more grace than the prayers

we say when we feel that we’re all wrapped up in a little
pink cloud of devotion.

Secondly, feeling isn’t important when we’re talking about

15



prayer. Our “feelings” might be influenced by the sauerbraten

and sour cream pie we had the night before. Prayer has to do

with the will and the intellect—not the feelings.
And thirdly—though this comparison may sound irreverent

—a taste for the supernatural life is like a taste for a rare,
delicate, smelly cheese. Or, more appropriately, like a taste

for classical music. Most people don’t start out by liking either.

They have to work at cultivating their taste. In the same way,

the more we pray, the more effort we put into our prayers,

the more attractive and important the supernatural life will

become for us.

The Other Sacraments

Like the Mass, the other sacraments and sacramentals are

given to us by Christ and His Church so that we can use them

to become saints. Aside from the Mass, the sacrament of

Penance is the one we make use of most frequently.

We can talk about “making use” of Confession because this
sacrament helps us to keep a check on our spiritual progress;

it helps us to work steadily to root out our vices and habits

of sin. But the forgiveness of our sins isn’t the only way in

which Penance helps us along the road to sanctity. Even if we

didn’t commit a deliberate venial sin for six months, regular

confession every week, or at least every month, should be a

part of our spiritual growth.

Two positive helps are involved in Confession.

The special grace of the sacrament is channeled directly

at those sins and imperfections we mention in our confession

—like water out of a firehose. For example, the mother who
confesses that she was guilty of the sin of anger when she found

pistachio ice cream stains on the new drapes in the living room,

not only has the sin forgiven, she also receives a very special,

a very powerful grace to avoid sins of anger in the future.

(This, incidentally, is a good reason for mentioning sins of our

past life in our confessions.) Though we may not be guilty of

16



committing them since our last confession, still we receive the

special grace to overcome temptations to commit sins of this

kind in the future.

Also, there is, of course, the tremendous increase of

sanctifying grace that floods our souls whenever we receive

any sacrament. We recognize this grace when we think of

Holy Communion; we frequently forget it in thinking about

the sacrament of Penance.

It’s obvious, then, that the married couple should be

particularly careful to mention the sins and offenses against

their state in life so that they can receive the grace to live up

to their obligations more perfectly.

Another point in any program aimed at sanctity is a daily

examination of conscience. This doesn’t have to take much

time; it can be done in a couple of minutes. Nor should it

be the kind of morbid scraping of conscience aimed at an exact

tabulation of every offense committed during the day. An

overly conscientious individual, in addition to being an object

of pity, is also a pain in the neck for his confessor, his family

and his friends.

No, this examination of conscience is a quick glance back

over the day. It’s a reminder of what we are trying to do

with our lives, and a quick check to see if we moved forward

or backward during the past twenty-four hours. When we

see the results, we should know what resolutions to take for

the next day.

Also, we should make use of the sacramentals in our

program for sanctity through our marriage. The sacramentals

are not the most important means of obtaining grace—these
are the sacraments—but if we use the sacramentals properly,
they will bring additional grace to our souls and enrich our

family life with the symbolism of the liturgy. For example,

many parents have the custom of sprinkling holy water on

their children each night after they go to bed. Since the sacra-

mentals represent the prayer of the universal Church, this act

17



amounts to the Church’s asking God’s blessing on the chil-

dren each night. Keeping blessed palms in the home, the use

of blessed candles at home shrines or altars, the use of statues,

crucifixes, the rosary, the request for a blessing whenever a

priest visits the home—all of these practices are expressions
of faith, sources of grace, and a means of making religion

something real and vital to your children.

For the same purposes, the parents should work, in a

natural way, to establish family customs which give a spiritual

tone to their homes. The saying of the family rosary is the

most common practice. Some families observe the anniversary

of the baptismal days, as well as the birthdays. Another

beautiful practice is to have at least one member of the family

at Mass each day, praying for the spiritual and temporal

needs of the whole family.

Each home will develop its own religious customs, if the

husband and wife make a serious effort to develop an atmos-

phere of reverence in themselves and in their children. In

doing so, they are bringing God’s blessing down on their home,

they are fulfilling the obligation of their vocation, and they

are making progress on their way to sanctity.

Mental Prayer

The term “mental prayer” suggests for many something

like hypnotism, telepathy, yoga, or the Buddhist sitting cross-

legged, lost in a trance, for hours. It’s nothing of the kind,

but it is one of the most basic requirements for any spiritual

growth.

St. Alphonsus, one of the great teachers of the Church, once

wrote: “It is morally impossible for him who neglects medita-

tion to live without sins.” And St. Teresa, a mystic who didn’t

believe in pulling punches, said: “He who neglects mental

prayer needs not a devil to carry him to hell, but he brings

him there with his own hands.”

18



Because this subject is so important, I would like to

recommend an excellent book on mental prayer, which was

written for the layman of today. It’s Conversation with Christ

,

written by Carmelite Father Peter-Thomas Rohrbach, and put

out by Fides Publishers. Father Rohrbach speaks of mental

prayer as being a conversation with Christ, a dialogue with

a Friend who loves us.

He quotes St. Teresa as saying that “mental prayer is

nothing else than an intimate friendship, a frequent heart-to-

heart conversation with Him by Whom we know ourselves

to be loved.”

Bringing definitions down to practice, Father John Thomas,

the Jesuit sociologist who specializes in family problems, says

that for married persons at least five minutes a day devoted

to talking with Christ is an essential for spiritual growth.

Success or failure in this practice depends on regularity.

Start with a promise of just five minutes conversation with

God each day, but hold to your promise! Don't even consider

missing this conversation at the appointed time—any more than
you would think of starting the day without brushing your

teeth. The love of husband and wife for each other cannot

grow if the man of the house spends all of his hours at home

in his do-it-yourself shop in the basement, if the wife devotes

her share of their hours together to the passionate pursuit of

a television schedule. No more can our love of God grow

without frequent, regular conversation with Him.

The ideal, of course, would be to assist at daily Mass and

use the time before or after Mass for this conversation with

Our Saviour. But if this is impossible, the wife might speak

to God early in the morning when she is alone in the kitchen

preparing breakfast for the family; the husband might do it

while riding to work, or even while shaving. For most people

the best time is early in the day; the afternoon and evening

have a way of unraveling that makes it difficult to maintain

any regular practice in these hours.

19



Keep your conversation simple; don't get wound up trying

to talk like a prayer book. (Not even the people who write

prayer books talk to God this way in their meditations.) God

isn't impressed by flowery language.

You might start with an event from the life of Christ,

reading a short passage from the New Testament. The story

of Cana, for example, naturally suggests Christ's concern for

the needs of married couples, the influence of His Mother in

prompting Him to work His first miracle for the newlyweds,

His mission of salvation which began with this first act of

His public life.

Then talk to Christ. Thank Him for all that is good in your

life; tell Him how you need His help to live up to your voca-

tion in marriage; tell Him of your sorrow for the many times

you've offended against your marriage and against the

Christian life.

Try to end the conversation with a specific promise—an
offering—just for this day. “Today I’ll keep a civil tongue
in my head when Joe forgets to hang up his coat and jacket."

“Tonight I’ll find some way of complimenting Mary on the

evening meal—even if it is the second time this week for
goulash." “Today I’ll listen sympathetically to the fellow at

the next desk—or to the neighbor—when they tell me what a
hard life they are having."

This practice of mental prayer suggests two more important

spiritual helps: spiritual reading and a spiritual director.

The spiritual director is a priest you go to regularly for help

and advice in growing toward sanctity. He might be your

confessor, but this isn’t just a question of overcoming tempta-

tions and habits of sin. If you seek help along this line during

your confession, it should be after you have received your

penance and absolution. Before the priest closes the slide,

just say, “Father, could I talk to you for a few minutes about

my life." Unless it's the Saturday before Easter, he will be

delighted to offer this kind of help. Tell him you don’t want

20



to be satisfied with just avoiding serious sin; talk about your

home and marriage; your prayer, your reading. He will help

with questions. The goal is to give him enough information

about yourself so he can tailor his advice to you as an

individual.

It is a wonderful opportunity when husband and wife can

find one spiritual director to whom they can go individually

and together. Knowing both of them and their marriage, the

priest is better able to offer the most profitable advice.

Spiritual reading feeds our prayer. When our reading is

limited to baseball scores, weather predictions and the Holly-

wood gossip columns, our thoughts will remain on this level.

Prayer is conversation with Christ; spiritual reading provides

us with the thoughts that will be the subject matter of the

conversation. Ten or 15 minutes a day will be enough—as
long as we hold to it.

A word of warning, though, about “religious” reading, that

is, reading aimed at priests, nuns and Brothers. Much of this

writing assumes that the reader is trying to become a saint

through the vows of poverty, chastity and obedience.

But you're not a Trappist or a Poor Clare—or even a Jesuit.
Certainly the principles of sanctity are the same for you and

for the monk, but the application is different. If you get up

in the middle of the night, it’s not to chant the Office, it’s to

feed the baby. However there might be just as much merit

for you in walking the baby as there is for the Trappist who

is shivering in the chapel at Gethsemani.

For example, The Imitation of Christ

,

is a spiritual classic.

Properly understood and applied, it can be rich spiritual food

for anyone. However, it simply isn’t aimed at the spiritual

formation of lay people. At least as a start you should select

books which are best fitted for your life.

Here you can get help from your spiritual director or from

the book reviews published in the Catholic press. You might

even take the drastic step of finding where the nearest Catholic

21



bookstore is located. The people who operate it will be able

to offer help in recommending spiritual reading.

The Apostolate

The third prong of the threefold program is some form of

apostolic work.

None of us can separate love of God from love of neighbor,

and this love of neighbor should express itself in concern for

his spiritual and temporal welfare. Often this concern will take

some specific form.

For married couples, there are apostolic family groups:

Cana and pre-Cana groups, Mr. and Mrs. Clubs, Cana Family

Action and the Christian Family Movement. These aren't

merely social groups aimed at giving the husband and wife

an opportunity to get out of the house while feeling pious about

it. Nor, heaven help us, should they be the occasion for prying

into the lives of our neighbors!

Basically these groups work on two principles: First, we

are

,

our brother's keeper. We have to think of our neighbor
as something more than a convenient source of borrowed lawn

tools. We can't be indifferent to the fact that Christ lives in
him as truly as He dwells in the tabernacle; we must think in

terms of his own vocation to be a saint.

Secondly, these groups recognize that institutions can make

growth toward sanctity easier or more difficult, and institu-

tions are influenced primarily by group action.

Take one example, the Christian Family Movement. Part of

the biweekly meetings (usually a group of five or six couples)

is given to a discussion of sections of the Gospel and the

liturgy. By probing the texts together, these husbands and

wives try to extract the meaning and apply it to their own lives.

The
“
‘social inquiry" part of the meeting takes a look at the

problems which face the couples in their family life, in the

neighborhood, in the community. There are many problems

22



which should concern them as Christians. Out of this dis-

cussion, the group decides on some small action which they will

take before the next meeting. On the surface the actions might

seem small and insignificant, but they make the family or its

environment a little more of a Christian community. Progress

is usually a matter of small steps.

These couples, by their efforts, by their preoccupation with

Christian values, are opening their souls to the grace which will

carry them along the road to sanctity. They are also making

their all-important contribution to a Christian society, an effort

which recent Popes have stressed as being essential.

Some individuals, some couples, will not be able to work in

the organized apostolate. It may be a matter of personality

or a question of circumstances. But they are not excused, for

these reasons, from an obligation to look toward the aposto-

late. They can make a special effort to carry their weight by

the apostolates of prayer and good example. They cannot be

satisfied with living as though nothing existed outside their

own home. Every person needs some form of social commit-

ment, some kind of dedication. Christ was not talking to the

apostles alone when he told them to carry His message into

the whole world!

Heaven Can’t Wait

For the husband and wife, sanctity is a tightly-woven fabric

of personal, family and social elements. All the traditional

means of spiritual growth must be used, and these must be

applied and adapted to the special circumstances of family

life in today’s society.

The married couple must seek sanctity as individuals, as

husband and wife, and as parents. Individually and as a

family unit, they must use every opportunity open to them

to grow in grace and to share in the Divine life.

They have already begun their eternal life, and—in spite
of the opinion of a Tin Pan Alley tune—Heaven can’t wait

!

23



CATHOLIC FAMILY GROUPS

For additional material write to any of the groups listed below:

1. Family Life Bureau, NCWC,
1312 Massachusetts Avenue, N.W., Washington 5, D.C.

Director: Rev. John Knott.

(This is the Church’s official national family life bureau.)

2. Christian Family Movement, Suite 2233,

111 West Monroe Street, Chicago 3, Illinois.

3. Cana Conference of Chicago, 720 North Rush Street,

Chicago 11, Illinois.

4. Cana Family Action, 94 Ridge St., Orange, New Jersey.

5. Catholic Marriage Club, 28 Deerfield Place,

Beacon, New York.

6. Family Communion Crusade, Barre, Massachusetts.

7. Family Federation of Catholic Action,

2200 Grand Avenue, St. Paul, Minnesota.

8. Holy Family Guilds Association, P.O. Box 5181,

Beacon Hill Station, San Antonio, Texas.

9. Holy Family Retreat Association, 24 W. Marshall St.,

Phoenix, Arizona.

10.

Marriage and Family Apostolate, Box 4311,

Hamden, Connecticut.

24



:

;



TWO HUNDRED ANSWERS
to the most commonly asked questions on marriage. Questions directed to Monsignor J. D.

Conway who instructs
,
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.

KEEPING COMPANY MARRIAGE
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LOVE AND DATING NON-CATHOLIC)

ENGAGEMENT RHYTHM r

MODESTY, CHASTITY

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MARITAL LIFE

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DIVORCE

MARRIAGE OUTSIDE
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A MINIATURE MARRIAGE LIBRARY

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