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A Guide for Parents

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Digitized by the Internet Archive

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HOME:

a Place to Love or

a Place to Leave?

A Guide for Parents

by Dolores Curran

AVE MARIA PRESS

Notre Dame, Indiana 46556



NIHIL OBSTAT

John L. Reedy, G.S.G.

Censor Deputatus

IMPRIMATUR:

Most Rev. Leo A. Pursley, D.D.

Bishop of Fort Wayne-South Bend

Gopyright 1968 Ave Maria Press

All rights reserved. This book may not he reproduced

by any means in whole or in part without prior permission.



CONTENTS

Introduction 5

Prayer and the Family 9

Peace and Serenity in the Home 1

1

Harmony and Love in the Family 15

Family Loyalty 22

Sharing Family Problems and Joys 26

Preparing for a Happy Adult Life 29

Scoring Hits and Misses 30



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INTRODUCTION

Tale of Two Families
Ted and Marge, a happily married couple for 20

years, both lost their mothers in the past year. Both

suffered the sadness and discomforts of disposing of

the old family homes and settling estates, but there

the similarity between their two families ends.

In Marge's family, the sisters and brothers met

and shared their mutual loss. Their mother, the focal

point of the family, was dead, and they wanted to

reassure one another that the family would continue

to enjoy the warmth and love she generated during

her lifetime.

This was a family reared in the tradition that if

one suffered, so did they all. When the time came to

divide family heirlooms, each generously and sin-

cerely insisted that the other person have them.

Before the final settlement of the estate, two sisters

instructed the administrator to shift secretly a portion

of their own inheritance to a brother who hadn't

fared so well as they. Thus continued Marge's family,

a family reared in love.

But when Ted's mother died and the funeral

formalities were over, the feuds and bitternesses of a

lifetime erupted. The family, reared on pride and

jealousies, fell apart when both parents were gone.

Petty bickering over possessions gave rise to 40-year-

old resentments and spites. Instead of enjoying

memories, they desecrated what little they had shared

in love and sadness.

When the estate was finally settled, to the satisfac-
tion of none, so much had been said irrevocably that

the family was split forever. The cousins would never

enjoy one another or their aunts or uncles because of

their parents' unwillingness to forget and forgive.

Thus a family died.

5



Two Ways of Love

What created the differences in the two families?

Ted and Marge are not isolated examples, but quite

typical of the two ways of family love. Since there

are so many young Teds and Marges today hoping to

avoid the pitfalls of Ted’s family or to carry on the

love of Marge’s family, some insight into the daily

family life is necessary. I hope to dwell on some of

the practices and attitudes that seem prevalent in both

unhappy and happy homes to enable parents to choose

those which will make their home a happy place.

After all, that is basically what we parents hope

to achieve. We want to create an atmosphere of
Christian love in our homes, a love that will draw

us and the children to one another for a lifetime and

eternity. We want, in short, our home to be a place
to love, not a place to leave.

After working with teen-agers for a number of

years, I’ve come to notice that there is a great dif-

ference in their attitudes in leaving home for college,

service, or marriage. Some feel greatly tom by having

to leave their loved ones for even a short time, while

others look forward to the separation as an escape.

To them, home is a place to be endured only until

they can find a reason to leave.

We hear so much about the problems and de-
linquencies of broken homes that it is easy to con-

clude that an unpleasant home atmosphere indicates

a strained or broken marriage. But this isn’t always

true. In most of the homes I’m discussing the mar-

riage bond is strong and there is a prevailing atmo-

sphere of faith. The parents are trying to raise their

children to take their proper places in the Church

and society.

But just a few harmful attitudes and actions, so

vital in destroying a truly happy family harmony,

can go their devious ways unnoticed. Unnoticed, that

6



is, until some open hostility erupts between children

or between children and their parents. While this

isn’t exactly a broken family, it can be a considerably

cracked one in time.

No one needs any credentials to become parents.

It seems easy until we are actually father and mother

and then the cold facts hit us that we are responsible

for the faith and well-being of a family. We have
taken little instruction to avoid the pitfalls and we’re

apt to apply the same methods used in our childhood.

Often we pass on our parents’ well-intentioned errors.

Small wonder, then, that we make mistakes, that we

discover undesirable traits in our kids, and that after

all our hard work and anxiety, we still see some

failures.

Family Report Card

How often do we actually sit down and evaluate
our efforts and results in creating a happy family?

What we need is a family report card where every

other month we parents take an evening to grade

ourselves on the attitudes and atmosphere we are

nurturing. For example, have we shown less favor-
itism in the last six weeks? Have our kids shown an

improvement in a willingness to share? Have our

family prayers shown a warmth and joy or have

they become automatic?

To encourage such an evaluation and to discuss

the various aspects more clearly, I’ve divided family

life into the areas below:

Prayer and the Family

Peace and Serenity in the Home
Harmony and Love in the Family

Family Loyalty

Sharing Family Problems and Joys

Preparing for a Happy Adult Life

7



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PRAYER AND THE FAMILY

Let’s Be Spontaneous

To me, one of the most cherished dividends of

Vatican II is the new spirit of family worship it

fosters. In some pre-Council Catholic homes, prayer

was not spontaneous, but automatic, not joyful, but

stern, and not loving, but fearful. Recent statements

from priests indicate that such prayers easily become

meaningless formulas for children and that spon-

taneous prayers to fit situations throughout the day

are preferable to prescribed prayers at prescribed

times.

Our ancestors would probably fear for our souls

if they heard our four-year-old daughter pray during

lunch, “Please, God, make Pat eat his bread crusts

so he can have some dessert, too.'’ But we are pleased

at both the spontaneity of her prayer and her obvious

concern for her little brother’s welfare. I can’t help

but think that God is pleased, too.

It is rather presumptuous to expect children to

understand some of the terminology in our popular

prayers. For example, how many really understand,
much less feel, phrases like, “hallowed be Thy name,”

“as we forgive those who trespass against us,”
“blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus”?

Christ as Center

If Christ is the center of our family, we must
make Him an integral part of every activity, not just
a Being to be talked to in rote in the morning, before

meals, at night, and in church. We must talk to Him
in our family language, slang and all, or else He is
distant.

Because many of us have been schooled in the
formula-type devotion so long, any spontaneity seems

9



a little sacrilegious. We have to work to overcome
this reluctance and to foster a minute-by-minute life

in Christ in our kids so that they will be natural with

Him and loving toward one another.

For example, if two children are arguing, the old

parental threat that God won’t like it puts a fearful

light on their relation to God and each other. But if

the parent uses the positive approach that when

children care about one another, it is Christ acting

within them, the kids understand that. They know

that there is something good within them, that they

have a capacity for love, and to associate it with

God and love is only natural.

So the answer to an argument could be, ‘‘Your

Christ isn’t showing today,” or 'Terhaps your love is

taking a little vacation.”

Saved by a Bible Story!

Simple biblical stories and songs can be used

endlessly in paving the way for harmony in the home.

I doubt if I could exist long as a parent without that

wonderful weapon of literature. When a child runs

into a bully, I distract him from his hurts with, “Did

I ever tell you about David and Goliath?” Sometimes

the stories suffer a little in accuracy but the message

compensates for it because it is pertinent.

As children get older, they resent stories with

obvious morals, but they are hopefully more mature

in accepting disappointments and curbing resentments.

If a child has been reared with the custom of turning

toward God in simple matters—like the boy who said
after breaking the vase, “Oh, oh, better tell God and

then Mom”—^he will turn to Him later when doubts
and temptations meet him head on. And with little

of the embarrassment common to teen-agers who

grow up without a natural relationship to Christ.

10



What I’m saying is that no family incident, joy,

or problem is too insignificant to relate it to God. It

is the myriad of daily happenings that make up the

whole of family life and if they are treated with love,

they create love. Throughout the rather simple, and,

I suppose, mundane family practices which follow, I

hope to point out how God can be brought into the

family all the time, not just on Sunday morning.

PEACE AND SERENITY IN THE HOME

Panic Versus Peace

‘‘Nothing in our home is ever below the panic

pitch,” said a 15-year-old boy to me. “If my mother
wants to borrow a nickel, she shouts it out in an

emergency voice. And all of us shout back. It’s a

madhouse.”

Why is it that some homes operate in a general
atmosphere of peace and relaxation while others have

a climate of chaos? This isn’t to say there aren’t

hectic and disruptive hours in every family, but

parents must answer honestly whether such times are

normal or just occasional.

Children need silence at times, just as adults do.

Eventually, children in a family where routine turmoil

is the norm become loud and offensive themselves

out of example. We teachers notice that these are
the ones who find silence and harmony uncomfortable.

They need their transistor radios on whenever they’re

faced with the frightening possibility of being alone

with their thoughts.

Thinking . . . Alone

A seminary priest said in a speech to mothers,
“If you teach anything, teach your children to think

—

alone. Teach them the joy of being at peace with

11



themselves without the aid of television and friends

constantly. We have too many young men coming
here who can't face the silence and contemplation

which is so close to God. They are too old to learn

it at 18."

Parents set the atmosphere of the home. To them,

the bickering may mean little if they themselves were

reared with it, but to the child it can be unpleasant

enough to cause real tensions and emotional reactions,

much less to say, little opportunity for meditation.

Some of the areas parents should explore to

evaluate the atmosphere in their own homes are

these:

Shouting

1. Is shouting necessary?

Some families maintain beautiful discipline with

soft but firm orders. Others shout. The problem with

shouting is that it teaches the children that that is

the way to handle discipline, thereby eliminating the

probability of eventual self-discipline. Also, as the

kids get older or their offenses greater, the shouting

has to increase proportionately in order for it to be

effective. So it's a louder and louder cycle.

Psychologically, no one likes to be shouted at.

It reduces one to the toddler level. How many parents
have heard kids ask justifiably, '‘Why do you have to

shout?"

This question is applicable to school, the army,

and almost any situation where there is a definite

authority. And the authority, be it teacher, sergeant,

or parent might well remember this saying, "He who

establishes his argument by noise and demands shows

that his reason is weak."

Shouting from room to room between family

members can disrupt any family serenity if it becomes

habitual. If a child is on the patio, for example, and

12



the mother is in a bedroom, the conversation might go

like this:

“Harry, run over to Foss’s and get Ginny.”

“What?”

“Run over to Foss’s and get Ginny.”

“Get who?” Harry obviously can’t hear his mother

well, but he makes no effort to come closer.

“Get Ginny.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s time for her nap.”

“What?”

And so on. It wouldn’t take a person of composure

long to lose it if this were a way of family life. And

yet it is in many families. I took my cue from a
friend who has five children. She doesn’t call mes-

sages to them. She calls them to her and then gives

them the message. It works beautifully. The young

ones have to take a few more steps, but the serenity

in the home is worth it.

Quarreling

2. Is the qimrreling between children necessary or

habitual?

All kids fight, but the question here again must be,

“Are the squabbles foreign to or nurtured by the

prevailing home atmosphere?” If children are per-

mitted to argue and fight continually, this antagonism

will become a rule and their relationship with brothers

and sisters may be set for life.
What is the difference in bickering as a rule and

as an exception? If a child comes into a room and

deliberately starts a squabble by hitting or teasing

just to get something started, it is usually a sign of

a normally antagonistic family behavior. If, however,

a child reacts to a single provoked act and serenity

returns when that act is settled, bickering is probably

not the rule but an interruption.

13



The joy of forgiveness gives a purpose to children's

quarrels. Once the wrong has been righted by the

child or by the parent, it is important to see that the

bickering stop. A small child doesn’t like unpleasant-
ness and he can be taught that by saying he’s sorry,

he will please both God and the family. But it is

important that this be taught while the children are

young because as they grow older, forgiveness and

love become harder to exhibit.

I know one mother who, when her children were

small, would say in settling a quarrel, “Now, go into

your room a minute and tell Jesus about it.” It was

a simple act, but it brought the presence of God into

even the tiniest part of the kids’ lives. Now, as her

children are getting older, she interrupts a quarrel

by saying, “Why don’t you go into your rooms and

think about it?” The implication is to say a prayer,

and because her children have been reared in that

tradition it comes naturally.

Most important, our children observe us to see

how we settle our unpleasantnesses. If we hold

grudges, harp on old sensitivities, and fly into emo-

tional tirades, we can expect no other from them.

Noise

3. Does blaring television and radio noise disrupt

harmony?

WHien the director of a television show or movie

wants to indicate turmoil or tension, he increases the

volume of background music or noise. This is no

accident. The more noise there is around a home, the

more tension. They go hand in hand.

Wfliat mother hasn’t experienced a bout of tem-

porary insanity when she’s trying to accomplish some-

thing amid a loud television, a crying 'child, and a

ringing phone? Some families live with background

radio and soon grow to shout above it as a matter of

14



habit. Rules must be set and held to firmly by the

parents on the constancy and volume of the radio,

stereo, and television, especially with teen-agers. They

need to learn to spend time with themselves without

noise. Of prime importance, though, the parents

should assess their own habit of turning on the radio

with the coffee in the morning and off with the porch

light at night.

If the family is already on its way to an atmo-

sphere of turmoil and noise, they can make a special

family effort to eliminate it and add a prayer to this

effect to the grace before meals. This will keep the

goal in front of them.

HARMONY AND LOVE IN THE FAMILY

Recently on a television spot coverage program,

a five-year-old girl refused the owner's invitation to

ride a pet pony, although her eyes were shiny with

anticipation. 'Tt would make my little brother feel
bad, because he didn't get to ride," she said innocently.

There is a Christ-like quality in a family where

concern for the other takes precedence over selfishness.

It is a four-year-old saying to a hostess, ‘'Jimmy

can have mine," a 15-year-old saying to her sister,

“Wear my new dress," a mother saying, “I really
don't want any dessert," or a father saying, “I would

rather go to the zoo than go fishing."

J. K. Jerome put the whole idea simply, “The love

of the young for the young, that is the beginning of

life." It is up to us to nurture that love so that it

becomes a part of a child's future life.

Some children grow up loving one another while

others grow up tolerating or disliking one another.

Some children accept and forgive one another's faults

and others ridicule one another for differences. Some

children enjoy seeing their brothers punished while

15



others suffer when it happens to their brothers. What

makes the difference?

Favoritism

1. Is favoritism showing?

It is an old Irish and other ethnic group trait that

girls are accepted into the family while boys are

welcomed. This feeling evidences itself in families

where the girls are reared to care for their brothers’

needs and whims. If this concern were reciprocal, it

would create a beautiful relationship. But it rarely is.

If a family fosters a preferential relationship,

whether it be favoring boys or girls or the eldest or

the youngest, it creates resentments on the parts of

the other children. Any kind of favoritism destroys

the possibility of real family togetherness. Children

react instinctively to it, no matter how much a parent

or relative tries to hide it.

The “favorite grandchild” practice can be a real

problem. When it becomes noticeable, it is up to the

parents to insist that the grandparents treat all the

kids equally or not at all. In one family, the grand-

parents became so indulgent with the eldest grand-

child that the rest of the children in the family came

to refer to them as “Bobby’s grandma and grandpa”

and to the other set of grandparents as “our grandma

and grandpa.”

Overcompetitian

2. Are parents encouraging overcompetition be-

tween brothers and sisters?

Children are not equal. Some are smart, some co-

ordinated, some pretty. These traits we see and
evaluate. But their brothers may be more forgiving
or more persevering or more sympathetic, and we

fail to evaluate these alongside the more noticeable

characteristics.

16



I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room one day

when a mother came in with two daughters, one of

exquisite beauty and the other very plain. Patient

after patient in the room commented on or smiled at

the pretty one and ignored the plain child. Finally,

I winked at her and she came over and asked in the

guileless voice of the three-year-old, ‘‘Why do you

like meV At age three, she knew who was important
in her family.

It is extremely unfair for parents to set up rigid

standards for children of varying abilities and to

harp upon their failure to measure up. When a parent

keeps pointing with pride that “Jimmy can read well,"

and “We never have any trouble with Jimmy," and

so on, without mentioning the other kids' talents they

will grow to resent Jimmy. And an irony here is that

often Jimmy dislikes this attention because of the

resentments it engenders among his brothers and

sisters.

All standards are relative. One family may take

pride in a student who just passes while another

family insists that their children make the honor roll.

A parent must take the effort to discover the capa-
bilities of his children and pray hard that he can

encourage them to fulfill them.

Teen-agers particularly resent undue competition

in the family. How many times a teacher hears, “Oh,
I'm not as good as my brother," in sport, grades,
popularity, etc. Why should a child apologize for
what God has given him if he is doing his best?

A friend told me this incident. When a woman
complimented her small daughter on her dimples, the

four-year-old said, “Did you see my sister's pretty
eyes?" It’s a lovely example because when children

want to share their compliments, it is their love

showing.

17



Ridicule

3. Is ridicule permitted?

Ridicule is the lowest form of criticism and the

family that permits one child to ridicule another for

preferring books to sports or prayers to television is

encouraging resentments.

As a teacher IVe had many parents say, '1 don't

know where Eric gets his strange ideas. Nobody in

our family ever wanted to act (or paint or study or

pray or???).'' By that very statement, the parent

is designating the child an outsider because his

interests don't fit into the family mold.

Priests have blamed lack of vocations partially

on ridicule. Often a young woman or man is afraid

of family ridicule as well as neighborhood derision

and unless he has strong encouragement from some-

one he respects, he hesitates to announce his desire.

Ridicule is a form of family pride—but a negative
form. We’re often tempted to ridicule our kids out of

an attitude or action which doesn't conform to the

image we would like of our family. For example, if

a teen-ager becomes involved in interracial activities,

the parents may be embarrassed by his interest, as

Christian as it might be, and attempt to ridicule him

out of it.

I know one mother of several grown children who

still uses the ridicule method to direct her children.

When her 25-year-old objected to doing something

she wanted him to do, she confided to me, 'Til em-

barrass him into it." What she didn't realize was that

if she was successful, it was at the expense of his

respect for her. -

By ridiculing others for their attitudes, we're

locking our kids into our own molds and it takes a

strong child to break out. He will break it, however,

whenever he is mature if his conscience tells him to.

So the parent who ridicules his child for foreign at-

18



titudes merely puts off the day when the child becomes

a total person.

Children learn tolerance young and if they find

their parents ridiculing neighbors for eating garlic or

for saving money or for having slanted eyes, they will

grow up with the same attitudes. In these ecumenical

days, we are being taught to open our minds and

hearts to embrace others of different color, ideology,

or customs. If we love all men in spite of their dif-

ferences from us, so will our children.

Frustration

4. Are 'parents taking out their frustrations on the

children?

I think this is one of the most dangerous, yet most

overlooked, parental faults prevalent today. Everyone

wants a scapegoat and a child is the most defenseless

one around, especially since he is apt to be guilty

so many times.

We had an aging relative here as house guest once.
He absentmindedly left his cane lying where he last

used it. Whenever he wanted it, he blamed the kids

for carrying it off. At first they politely denied taking

it, but eventually they grew to resent the charge and

him. They realized that they were being blamed for

his forgetfulness.

I have found myself guilty on occasion of taking

out my frustrations on my children and, even worse,
I know that Tm doing it. Sometimes when I intend
to spend a morning at the typewriter to meet a dead-

line, I'll receive two or three telephone or doorbell

interruptions, taking perhaps an hour of my time.
When I finally get back to work and one of the kids
interrupts me for just a moment or so, I'm tempted
to vent my irritation on him. ::(f.

When parents become annoyed with each other,
they are apt to take out their bad moods on the

19



children. Other tempting times are when the parents

are fatigued, dieting, ill, or going through some kind

of stress.

This is an ideal time to teach the children the

efficacy of forgiveness and prayer. I heard a mother

say once, 'T'm sorry I scolded you, Debbie. I’m tired

and I’ll say a prayer that I won’t do it again.” This

makes the parent so human and lovable in the child’s

eyes that he’s apt to protest the apology.

Since no parent is superhuman, how does he handle

his frustrations without affecting the kids? There’s

very little activity of such importance that the mother

or father can’t stop and relax. It may mean that the
floor won’t get scrubbed right then or that the meeting

will have to go on without him, but if a parent finds

that his activities are constantly infringing upon a

relaxed loving family atmosphere, he will have to

choose which is more important.

Then again, he might try laying his frustrations

on heavenly shoulders, too.

Unpleasantness

5. Are children being taught to handle unpleasant-

ness?

As in all other traits, parents are the best example.

Life is made up of unpleasantness and the kids need

some real guidance in handling such things as hurts,

major disappointments, and impatience with others.

I remember once reading that children have a right

to get mad. How often we parents forget that. While
we take out our various disappointments by substitut-
ing some pleasure or scapegoat, we often ignore our
kids’ needs to relieve their disappointments. But we

help them to cope with daily frustrations by reason

and prayer, not emotional outbursts and pouting.

When 12-year-old Mary works for days on a
beautiful biology scrapbook only to have the baby

20



color all over it, do we expect her not to react? When

17-year-old John has been promised the car and made

plans with the group, do we expect him to relinquish

it without disappointment if we need it? If six-year-

old Henry comes down with the mumps the day of

his long-anticipated fishing trip, can we expect him to

shrug his shoulders and smile? Many parents do

expect these things of their children, disappointments

they themselves would find hard to swallow.

Impatient parents make impatient children. If a

mother yanks a zipper out of the child's hands to zip

his jacket faster, this child is likely to become im-

patient with the baby and slam the door on his fingers.

If parents go into sullen cold war silences rather

than maturely discussing their disagreements, this

is how they are teaching their kids to deal with future

unpleasantness. I know of one family where there is

always one member ''not speaking" to another and

elaborate means have to be taken to get messages

across. It is a way of life with them and extremely

unpleasant to be around. Besides that, it's the an-

tithesis of Christian behavior.

It is beautiful to be around a family where each

member is aware of and patient with the others'

faults. Maybe the whole family is waiting for the

slow eater to finish so they can say grace and be off

to television, but the considerate family will bring

up a discussion or story to relieve the pressure on the

child. An impatient family will urge him to finish,
thus creating more impatience on the part of all. It

is a minor irritation at most, but it's the minor irrita-

tions which can add up to total family disharmony.

Emotions

6. Are 'parents controlling their own emotions?
I have seen parents fiy into their own instant rage

because of their child's rage without considering the

21



ludicrousness of their actions. Children justifiably

resent being scolded for a type of behavior they see

in their parents. It’s unfair for a mother or father

to use sarcasm, brute strength, or rage against a child

and punish him for showing the same reactions. If

the actions are wrong for the child, they are wrong

for the parent.

Meting out instant judgment can be dangerous,

particularly if a parent is apt to make unreasonable

statements in anger. Equally unfair is an incon-

sistency in a parent’s disposition— the offense is
punished one day and overlooked the next. Con-

sistency and fairness are two aspects of good dis-

cipline which the child cherishes above all.

Sometimes we fail to take the time to investigate

the causes of misbehavior and as a result, we punish

too soon. I did this when I heard my four-year-old
call her grandfather by his first name, Frank. She

had overheard her grandmother do so and I thought

she was trying to be smart.

After scolding her sharply, I sent her to her room

for a while. Later that evening, she sidled up to me

cautiously and asked, “Is Frank a naughty word?”

After a few questions, I discovered that she didn't

realize Frank was a name and, in fact, thought it was

an endearment like Honey. I apologized.

FAMILY LOYALTY

“All of our neighbors know everything about me,”

said a ninth grader. “My mom tells them my grades,
my girls, my problems—even my sox size.”

One of the paradoxes in today’s family is that we

parents want our children to behave like adults but

we often deny them courtesies we extend to adults.

22



We speak of the kids in the third person in front of
them as if they didn’t exist. We embarrass them by
candid remarks about some fault or appearance which

is very personal to them.

To the adolescent, particularly, lack of family

loyalty is unforgivable. To him, it isn’t fair play

because he’s been taught from toddlerhood to respect

certain family confidences like Uncle Rob’s drinking

and Cousin Myrtle’s contrariness. Yet, often he finds

the same respect denied him.

Confidences

1. Are childrem/s confidences kept confidential?

It seems like too obvious a question to ask but it

is necessary. One of our most treasured gifts from

God is a child who confides. It takes years of patient

parenthood to build up the confidence of a child and

only one incident to destroy it. It may be a simple

matter of a five-year-old confessing to some un-

detected three-month-old fib or it may be a teen-ager

confessing some religious doubts, but whatever it is,

it’s confidential—between the child and his parents.
A few years ago, a 16-year-old girl in my CCD

class disclosed confidentially to her mother that she

was interested in becoming a nun, but was uncertain

about it as her vocation. Instead of quietly counselling

and encouraging her, the mother in her elation broke

the confidence and told several relatives and friends.

Within a few weeks, these relatives began discussing

it openly with the girl and scared her into denying

any interest whatsoever.

She never spoke to her mother about it or any-

thing else of major consequence again. Was it worth
the few moments of enjoyment for the mother?

It has always been a pleasure for me to see some
of the close confidences developed between adolescents

and their parents. It’s particularly noticeable in my

23



CCD classes when personal subjects arise, to separate
the girls into those who confide in their parents and

those who are appalled at the idea.

Problems

2. Are family problems family problems?

Or are they laid open for the whole community to

view? If John is having grade trouble, it should be of

concern to the whole family because they are a unit

operating on Christ’s love for them and their love for

each other. But it is not of concern to the neighbors

and relatives unless they can help.

If the budget can’t stretch enough a given month

to cover expenses, a mother strains her loyalty to both

the father and the family by announcing it to others.

If there’s been a family argument, it should stay

within the confines of the family home. Any woman

who has ever sat in a beauty shop is aware of the

great number of family confidences carelessly thrown

about. Resentments fiourish when family problems

come back via a third party and family harmony

suffers.

In addition, there’s little to be gained by broad-

casting problems. A wit once said, ''Remember, when-
ever you’re tempted to tell your problems to others,

half of them don’t care and the other half are glad

you are finally getting what’s coming to you.” There’s

a bit of un-Christian truth in that.

Individuals

3. Is loyalty to individiml family members ob-

served?

I know a situation where the mother constantly

discusses others’ habits and problems with her

grown children. She judges their child-rearing tech-

niques, their spending habits, and the like. She started

setting this habit when the kids were little, encourag-

24



ing them to disclose their childish, and later, teen-age

conversations.

The result is that none of the children now trust

her enough to give her more than the most basic

information because they realize any other will be

passed on to the rest of the family.

Discussing one child with another can be damaging

to family love. Who wants to have his motives and
actions judged by his brothers and sisters who are

not aware of all the facts? We expect more from a
family than that and if we don’t get loyalty, we don’t

return it.

There’s a difference in disclosing a confidence to

discredit someone or to help him. If I know, for

example, that my sister is in need of assistance, I may
feel free to disclose her confidence if I feel someone

might help her. But if I disclose the same just for idle

gossip, it is uncharitable and a strain on family

loyalty.

Trust

4. Do 'parents build up a trust in themselves?

Often we dwell on the opposite side of the coin.

How many times have we asked our kids, '‘Don’t you
want us to trust you?” Yet we may be relatively un-
concerned about creating their trust in us.

I overheard a group of teen-agers discussing trust

in the high school cafeteria one day. Their conversa-

tion went like this: “When my dad says I can have the
car, it means, ‘Maybe you can, if nothing important

like my running out of cigarettes comes along and I
need it.’

”

There was general laughter and another said,

“When I’m supposed to pick up my mom, it means
I’m to be there on the dot, not a minute late. But

when she’s promised to pick me up, it means I can
trust her to be at least 30 minutes late.”

25



A third boy chimed in, closing the conversation
with, “My parents don’t trust me and I don’t trust
them, but we keep telling each other we do.”

If a child discovers he can believe his parents at

age five, he’s going to trust them at 15 and 50. But if

childhood has planted a distrust in him, he will never

quite bring himself to trust them totally.

SHARING FAMILY PROBLEMS AND JOYS

As one finger creates a sore hand, so does a con-

cern affect the entire family. Nothing builds up a

cohesiveness so much as a genuine care and respon-

sibility for each member of the family.

Indeed it sometimes seems as if God deliberately

sends a problem to cement a family together. How
many families have forgotten their petty cares when

one member becomes ill, for example? Or when the

head of the family is laid off or in any other kind of

crisis?

A family works as a unit and as such should share
family cares as well as joys. Treating children and

parents as individuals is a must, but they should be

ready to sacrifice their own rights if it is for the

good of the whole family.

Problems

1. Are family problems aired and shared?

Often children are unaware of sacrifices the

parents make to insure such extras as parochial ed-

ucation and piano lessons. Many parents refuse to

permit their kids to think about finances because of

their fears as kids during the Depression.

But children don’t have to be afraid of poverty

by being informed of family expenses, especially

26



adolescents. I know a teacher who assigned his

seniors the task of discovering the minimum they

could live on if they married immediately after high

school. The kids were astonished at the cost of rent

and food because they had given their own family

expenses little thought.

Then the teacher had them search the possible job

market to discover what their probable salaries would

be. The discrepancy between the need and the salary

was wide. But the most startling result was that

students became aware for the first time of the strug-

gle their own parents were having budgeting. And

they became more tolerant in their demands.

Children can be very sacrificing if given the op-

portunity and, in a way, it is a shame to deny them

the experience. Some friends of mine had kids who

kept begging for a family boat. Finally, the father

set the budget on the table and asked them to start

cutting. They eliminated all restaurant dinners,

movies, and trips until they got the boat.

Even more vital is the sharing of family problems

like insufficient money for necessities, illnesses, a way-

ward child, etc. Here is where prayer can be the chief

instrument for bringing the family together in a

mutual petition for help. Daily Mass, family rosaries,

and sharing in prayers cement family faith and sup-

port in God, besides helping families solve problems.

Responsibility

2. Are children exhibiting a responsibility to one

another?

To a degree, this responsibility has to be taught.

Because of a fear of causing tension between children,

we seem to be getting away from making them re-
sponsible. But it is the only way that we will teach
them an eventual responsibility toward all men.

^7



If a seven-year-old is given the task of looking

after a four-year-old on a busy avenue, he will retain

some of the same care 10 years later when he sees

her heading for some unhealthy relationship or

activity.

Enjoyments

3. Is the family sharing some mutual enjoyments?

In these days of television and meetings we seem

content to allow each person to go his own way and

rarely notice lack of family enjoyment until vacations

or trips come along. Most of us recall family games,

story hours, and the like from our own childhood

with a great deal of relish, yet we do little to carry

these on in our own families.

Surely, family liturgical observances should play

an important role in our mutuality. So should spon-

taneous enjoyments like picnics, games, and walks.

Family discussion of subjects outside the realm of

family problems and gripes should be encouraged. It

is simple to pick out students who are permitted to

discuss subjects like politics, space, and such with

their parents and others. Where can a child get an

adult viewpoint and an example of adult reasoning

as quickly as in the family?

Little traditions in families are great for cement-

ing them together. I know of one family where the

parents encourage original prayers for grace before

the dinner meal and the children strive to outdo one

another in creating interesting homilies when their

turns evolve. Some are so unusual that the mother is

writing them down. The practice gives each child

his chance at glory and makes grace something to

anticipate.

28



PREPARING FOR A HAPPY ADULT LIFE

Unhappy Homes Breed Unhappy Marriages

A recent study points out that kids from happy
homes demand even happier marriages and kids from

unhappy homes settle for unhappier marriage pros-

pects. This sobering conclusion points out the urgency

in our nourishing a close and warm family unit which

centers around a Christ-like love for one another.

If the child has experienced love in his own child-

hood home, he is apt to find it in his married home.

Unfortunately, family discord is passed on like family

love. If every time a parent is tempted to indulge his

own emotions, he will stop to realize that he is passing

on his action as a legacy to his children, he may re-

consider the necessity of that act.

Closeness Is No Accident

One of the fondest of parental hopes is that

children will remain close together after they have

settled in their own homes. Still, how many families
really do so? This closeness doesn’t come with dis-

tance but with preparation. If the children competed

and bickered their way through childhood, it’s un-
likely that they will rush to one another after their

marriages.

Childhood encompasses about 18 years; yet some

parents succeed in those few years in building up

division between their children to last over 50 years.

Family discord erupts eventually in such situations

as caring for elderly parents, duty visits home, and

resentments over inheritances. In a family where

genuine care for one another has been the focal point,

these are not disagreeable duties, but acts of love.

29



SCORING HITS AND MISSES

These six areas complete my points for evaluating
a family's progress in love. "N^at can parents who

are sincerely interested in fostering a spirit of Christ

among their children do with these points? They

can sit together when they aren’t rushed and evaluate

their own actions as parents and the results of those

actions as they see them in the family.

After the first evaluation, if they choose just one

area at a time and try to abolish those problems and

encourage absent attitudes in the ensuing month, it

will be a realistic goal. Certainly, Gk>d will help if

He is asked. I urge parents not to undertake a com-

plete reform in one swoop. These problems took a

long time building and must wear away gradually,

with much effort, a little prayer, and a bit of anguish.

Then periodically, the parents should re-evaluate

their family love, utilizing all of the above areas. As

children change in age, so do family problems and

attitudes. It is wise to check up on family progress

every six weeks or so or it’s easy to lose sight of the

goal. As children get older, they can be brought in

on the checkup. In one family where this is done,

the kids jokingly call it *'Mom and Dad’s report card”

but they fully realize that they are part of it, too.

In closing, let me remind parents there are dis-
couragements and failures in the best of parents.

Often we look too hard to find problems. More often

it is easy to ignore the elusive danger signals. But the

only families who are in real difficulty are those who

feel they are free of family problems.

How often have we said, 'Tt goes back to child-
hood”? Family love is a tradition, increasing from

generation to generation.

It is a love based not on what the children can do

or whom they resemble but on who they are. It is as

30



simple as that. All persons, including parents, are

loved for what they are, not what they might grow

to be. They are loved in spite of their bad tempers

or bad grades. They are loved if they are mentally

retarded or ugly. They are loved because they are

unique and the family would be incomplete without

them. Most of all, they are loved because they are

children of God.

31



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