from a

Catholic

Father

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ON

DATING

PROTESTANTS

by Dale Francis

a dialogue pamphlet





From a Catholic Father

ON
DATING

PROTESTANTS

by DALE FRANCIS

No. 167

An OSV Dialogue Pamphlet



Nihil Obstat:

REV. JAMES J. O'CONNOR
Censor Lihrorum

Imprimatur

;

^ LEO A. PURSLEY, D.D.
Bishop of Fort Wayne-South Bend

Printed and Published in U.S.A. by

OUR SUNDAY VISITOR, INC.
Huntington, Indiana 46750



More than a quaHer of a century

ago, Ellis Guthrie and Dale Francis were

at college together. Note Ellis is a

Church of the Brethren minister in Ea-

ton, Ohio, and a writer for Protestant

magazines. Dale is a writer for Our Sun-

day Visitor, and both have teen-age

daughters. The letters to their daughters

discuss the problem of Catholics and

Protestants dating each other.



Q£AR MARIANNE,
You’re going to be dating next year.

You’ve accepted, maybe not always en-

tirely happily, our decision to wait until

you were 16 to start your dating. I

realize this hasn’t been easy, not with

so many of your friends already dating,

but, as you told us last winter when all

your classmates were making dates for

the Catholic school dance, “I’ll do what

you say because you’re my parents but

you shouldn’t expect me to be enthusi-

astic about it.”

PROLOGUE TO MARRIAGE

All right, now that you’re approach-

ing dating there is something else I want

to offer as the advice I must give as

your father — I hope you’ll date only
Catholic boys.



ON DATING PROTESTANTS 5

That may sound like a contradiction.

From the time you’ve been old enough

to understand you’ve been told you

should love and respect those of the

other faiths. Now here I am telling you
that you shouldn’t date young men of

other faiths. It sounds Like a contradic-

tion but it really isn’t.

You see dating is a prologue to mar-

riage. Don’t get me \^Tong. Tm not sug-
gesting that when a young fellow asks

you for a date you have to consider

whether or not you’d want to marry him.

Dating is a prologue to marriage, all

right, but it is also a time in which you

are learning to find values in other peo-

ple. You may or may not have a dream

man in mind — my guess is you don’t
— but even if you do it may well turn
out the man you’ll finally fall in love

with and marry won’t look anything like

that dream man.

So I’m not suggesting that when

you date every fellow you go out with

fit some preconceived idea of the man

you want to marr\% but I am sa\ing that

the boys you date should be boys who

vill be men with whom you could enter
into the complete commitment of mar-

riage.

-\nd you coiJdn’t enter into the



6 ON DATING PROTESTANTS

complete commitment with a Protestant

boy? No, Tm afraid not. Understand,
Tm not saying that a young man who
is a Protestant can’t be in every way as

fine a young man as a Catholic boy. Pm

just saying that marriage with someone

who could not share your faith would

have a certain incompleteness about it.

FAITH MOST IMPORTANT

Do you remember the time you

came home from the third grade with a

report card that was — well, not one of
the best report cards youVe ever

brought home? You watched me as I

looked at it and then you said, “I got

an A in religion. Dad. You remember

you told me that religion is the most

important of all.”

It is, Marianne, it really is. Your

faith is the foundation of your life. Of

all the gifts we have offered you, your

faith is the most important. Maybe the

figure of speech of your faith as a foun-

dation isn’t a good one for it isn’t just

something you stand on, it is something

that is woven into the very pattern of

your hfe.

But when you marry your life is no

longer just your life; you become one

with the man you marry, your two lives



ON DATING PROTESTANTS 7

are inseparable, everything you are is

combined with everyiJung he is.

So your faith, which is the most

important thing in your life, must be

shared with him or there is an incom-

pleteness in your life together. Tm not
saying there haven’t been happy mixed

marriages; I know there have been, but

even those who have achieved happiness

in a mixed marriage will tell you — if
they are to be completely honest —

that the inabihty to share together their

faith has somehow left them deprived of

the fullness of happiness. If something is

important to you, if it is a vital part of

your life, you cannot be fully satisfied

unless you are able to share it with the

one you love best.

NOT BIGOTRY OR PREJUDICE

I hope you’ve read my old friend’s

letter to his daughter. It will show you,

for one thing, that my concern as a
Catholic father that my daughter not
date those of other faiths is shared by

his concern as a Protestant father that

his daughter not date those of another

faith. It isn’t bigotry or narrow-minded-

ness on the part of either of us; it is

concern that our daughters find happi-

ness in marriage.



8 ON DATING PROTESTANTS

If you ve read his letter, then you

know that he tells her of some things

that she as a Protestant could not ac-

cept in the teachings of Catholicism. I

think youll beheve, as I do, that he

presents the Catholic Chiurch in a way

that we could not accept — the Church
isn’t exactly as he sees it.

But what is important is to know

that he speaks honestly, without any con-

scious prejudice. He doesn’t see the

Cathohc Church as we see the Cathohc

Church, and he doesn’t because his en-

tire background has been different.

This would be true of any Protes-

tant, not because of a prejudice but be-

cause his background would be different

from yours. He would try to be fair, he

would try to be free of any prejudice,

but he would be unable to get the full

vision you have simply because he is

outside that vision.

But suppose he became a Catholic.

As you know, I became a Catholic as an

adult. I am completely, entirely, with

every fibre of my being, a Catholic. I

became a Catholic without any rejection

of my Protestant origins but with a pro-

jection of all I believed as a Protestant

into what I see as a completeness of the

faith I once held.



ON DATING PROTESTANTS 9

So I know that it is possible for one

who is not a Catholic to become a Cath-

oHc, wholly and completely. But this

could never be done just because he

wanted to please you, just because he

thought it was best to have a family

belong to the same faith; it would have

to be an action of complete conviction.

It happens, no one knows this better

than I do, but it does not always hap-

pen.

The best thing, I am certain, is to

seek the company of those with whom

you already share what is most impor-

tant to you both. When you are both

already committed to the same faith,

then it is easier for you to commit your-

selves to one another — not holding back
the fullness of who you are and who

he is because you can’t bring to one an-

other the wholeness of yourself which

is woven with your faith.

My friend has said many things
about the problems of mixed marriages

\\dth which I would agree. I’ll not re-

peat them for you will have read his

letter. The practical problems of ma-

terial relationships, of the rearing of

children, are compHcated by the mixed

marriage.



10 ON DATING PROTESTANTS

SACRAMENTAL MEANING OF
MARRIAGE

But there is one other thing that I

would remind you of — we believe mar-
riage is a sacrament, most Protestants

do not. We believe that the husband
and wife adniinister this sacrament to

one another, in every act of love they

perform towards one another, from the

making of love to the making of dinner,

from the work the husband does to pro-

vide for his family to the easy chair

fixed for him when he comes home from

work.

If you are to share with one another

the realization of this sacramental mean-

ing of marriage you really must show

your religious faith.

Just as my friend wished for his

daughter the guidance of God through

dating to a happy marriage, I wish for

you tihat God will direct you, that you

may be led to the full commitment of

yourself to someone with whom you can

share all that is important in life — and
of all the elements of your life, your

faith is the most important.

Love,

Dad











from a

Protestant

Father

ON

DATING

CATHOLICS

by Ellis G. Guthrie





From a Protestant Father

ON
DATING

CATHOLICS

by ELLIS G. GUTHRIE

No. 167

An OSV Dialogue Pamphlet



Printed and Published in U.S.A, by

OUR SUNDAY VISITOR, INC.

Huntington, Indiana 46750

Descfdiied



More than a quarter of a century

ago, Ellis Guthrie and Dale Francis were

at college together. Now Ellis is a
Church of the Brethren minister in Ea-

ton, Ohio, and a writer for Protestant

magazines. Dale is a writer for Our Sun-

day Visitor, and both have teen-age

daughters. The letters to their daughters

discuss the problem of Catholics and

Protestants dating each other.



Q£AR BARBARA,
Now that you are away from home

perhaps I should review with you a deep

concern I have about dating boys of the

Catholic faith.

In all fairness we must admit that

we share many beliefs with the Catholic

church. Let me mention a few. 1. The

Trinity. 2. The Deitv of Jesus Christ.

3. His birth to the Virgin Mary. 4. The

Sanctity of Marriage. When Catholic

writers take Protestants to task for de-

nying these fundamental girders of the

Christian faith my sympathy lies with
the Catholic. He, not the Protestant, is

defending the faith once delivered to

the saints.

This brings us to a key thought of

this letter, Barbara. Real honesty causes

us to face frankly our disagreements as

I



ON DATING CATHOLICS 5

well as to recognize the beliefs we share.

One of the first that comes to mind

is the Catholic attitude towards the Vir-

gin Mary. We strongly feel that Cath-
olics show a devotion to Mary that

should be reserved for God alone. We
both believe that God honored Mary

above all other women. But we do not

accept Catholic dogma concerning her

place in redemption. It appears to us

that Catholics make her different in

kind from other women next to being

divine. Probably Catholics would say

this is not their attitude. One example

is the matter of prayer. It looks to us

as though they pray to her. They say

not to her but through her. Even if the

distinction can be made it is wrong

to us. Perhaps sometime concepts can

be clarified to the point of agreement.

But until then this is a very real dif-

ference between us.

PROBLEMS IN MIXED MARRIAGES

There are a number of other dif-

ferences — the use of images, the con-
fessional, the concept of the church, etc.

What should be your attitude towards a

Church that holds such dramatically op-

posed beliefs to ours?

A most difficult thing to do Bar-



6 ON DATING CATHOLICS

bara, is to have strong convictions and,

at the same time, to love and respect

those who hold opposite views. Yet you

need to do this. No other course of ac-

tion can be pleasing to God.

Before we get back to mixed dating

let me share with you some thoughts on

mixed marriages. There are several al-

ternatives. Here they are with comments.

1. You leave your church for the

church of your Catholic husband.

2. He leaves his church for yours.

3. Compromise on a third church.

4. Each remains as loyal to his own

church as the situation permits.

For a person with strong religious

convictions number one is unacceptable.

Even if you accept the Catholic faith

it still might be a poor alternate. There

are two dangers. The first has to do with

your family. Because the Catholic church

claims to be the one true church, your

joining it would imply that the church

of your family was in error. Thus your

family was in error. You might not want

to say this and we might try to under-

stand. Still the implication would be

there. Because you have a tender heart

this would put you under a strain and

indirectly put a strain on your marriage.



ON DATING CATHOLICS 7

The second danger lies in the power

of the mind to convince a person that

he really believes what he wants to be-

lieve. The Protestant may convince him-

self he really believes this if it is the

only alternative to a broken romance.

Then after the honeymoon the sicken-

ing realization comes. There was no con-

version — only wishful thinking.

CAN BE A BOOBY TRAP

On the surface number two might

seem an ideal solution. This can also be

a booby trap. Here a Catholic may hurt

his parents deeply. This strain is bound

to affect the marriage. Believe me, Bar-

bara, with all of the unavoidable strains

that threaten marriages youth ought to

avoid as many as possible. Again the

Catholic boy may be a victim of wishful

thinking when he accepts your religious

convictions. Think of the agony he en-

dures when he finally realizes that he

has betrayed his true beliefs.

To be sure you could marry a nomi-

nal CathoHc who had no real convic-

tions. However, your future children are

too precious to risk their spiritual up-

bringing to any pagan parent be he

either Catholic or Protestant.

Number three looks like a fair com-



8 ON DATING CATHOLICS

promise. Yet all the dangers of the pre-

vious alternatives are present. The pos-

sible results — two dissatisfied people
instead of one.

The last solution may be the best

if no children are involved. Let us look

at it. If the Catholic is to be true to

his Church a priest will perform the

ceremony. Your dream of being married

in your church will be denied you.

Furthermore, you must promise to make

no effort to convert your husband to

your faith. At the same time he would

be free to try converting you to his.

EFFECTS FOR FAMILY

When children are involved the

stage is set for real heartache. You must

promise to raise them as Catholics. If

you believe in your church, Barbara,

yet see your children going to another

church the experience can break your

heart. They will be taught to believe

things you cannot accept. And when you

see your children kneeling in front of a

statue of a saint or the Virgin Mary

there is a conflict that will fill you with

concern. For you this is wrong. But for

your children it is right. In one of the

most meaningful experiences of life —



ON DATING CATHOLICS 9

the religious — you cannot join with

your family.

We ought now to mention one dif-
ference in another sphere — birth con-

trol. Catholics believe all birth control,

except the rhythm method, is wrong.

If you do not trust this method the most

intimate part of your marriage may

crumble into a tense and harmful rela-

tionship. If you worry about pregnancy

you cannot give yourself to your hus-

band. If you fail to give yourself you

will strike him where he is most vulner-

able — his masculine ego. He may re-
frain from the sacred act because the

meaning has gone. Or his biological

needs may force him to continue. Either

way you will feel rejected and unloved.

He will know; and your marriage, once

so beautiful will have degenerated into

ugliness. You could insist upon some

form of birth control. If you do you ask

your husband to violate his conscience.

DATING TIME OF TRIAL

I hope by this time, Barbara, you

are beginning to see the situation in its

true perspective. A mixed marriage is

beset with so many problems that can

rob it of joy and leave it in shambles.



10 ON DATING CATHOLICS

It is too sacred even to contemplate with

so many foreseeable difficulties.

By now it ought to be obvious that

mixed dating is even unwise. You will

never be faced with the agony of de-

ciding on a mixed marriage if you never

fall in love with a Catholic boy. You

are not Hkely to fall in love if you do

not date a Catholic. And please, Bar-

bara, never say ‘‘WeYe just good

friends.” Many have said that only to

discover that love slipped in unexpected-

ly-

There must be friendship before

there can be real love. It is not traitor-

ous to our own church to admit that

Catholic boys are as nice and as attrac-

tive as Protestant boys. It is the honest

difference of belief that needs to be

kept in mind.

I know you don't want to seem big-

oted by refusing to date Catholic boys.

When you make it clear that you think

too highly of them to risk hurting either

them or yourself by learning to care

there can be no bigotry.

One last thought! Believing you will

not fall in love with a certain Catholic

boy you appreciate you may decide:

‘Why deny myself the pleasure of his



ON DATING CATHOLICS 11

company? Til tell him about my religious
beliefs and forestall any problems.” As-

suming that you do not fall in love you

still are being very unfair. He may fall

in love with you. If you have more than

two or three dates with a boy he will

feel that you accept him as a person.

He does not divide himself into who he

is and what he believes. He is one en-

tity. In a dating situation objectivity is

often lost. The truth is when you start

dating a boy and he feels really accepted

as a fine person by you he may well feel

you accept the whole person — what he
is and what he believes. And unwittingly

you hurt a boy who has learned to care.

I believe you are too concerned for the

welfare of others to allow this to hap-

pen. The only way to escape the heart-

aches of a mixed marriage is to refrain

from mixed dating.

May God bless you and direct you

in your dating experiences and lead you

to one with whom you can share in the
fullest way.

Love,

Dad