THE CHURCHWARDENS REPENTANCE. OR Mr CONNIWOOLS RECANTATION.  
Wherein is expressed his penitent sorrow, for Oppression on the Poors Box.  
Likewise, His Admonition to all covetous Doctors, careless Curates, Charitable Churchwardens, Hypocritical Overseers, bribe-taking Constables, conniving Headboroughs, dissembling Sextons, and Begger-whipping Beadles.  
Written by Thomas Telltruth, by request of the said Mr Conniwooll, who desires that his friendly Admonitions may be accepted, of all those that would be esteemed free from his offences.  
Printed in the Year 1641.   

THE CHURCHWARDENS REPENTANCE.  Trueman and Coniwooll. 
MAster Trueman, welcome, I made bold to send for you about some special affairs, which I hope will both content you, and benefit my almost condemned soul.  Trueman. 
Believe me M. Coniwoll, this news is very pleasing to me, and what I can perform, to gain content unto your dying same, shall be employed at large.  Coniwoll. 
'tis in your power, because to you of late I made recital of those heinous crimes which then I thought were meritorious, therefore I thought it fittest that you should be a witness of my penitence.  Trueman. 
I joy in the performance pray proceed  Coniwooll 
I shall sir, and as condemned men being brought to execution I confess, I have deserved to have been hanged some eighteen times if I had had my due, for I have been the veriest Jew that ever lived on earth. Some thirty times I robbed the poor man's box, and all the money I have spent in Sack, since I was five and twenty years of age, have I obtained by cozening and cheating.  Trueman. 
Indeed 'tis true you have been a cheating Raschal, but do you now repent?  Coniwoll. 
With all my heart, and I do mean henceforward, if ever I come to be Churchwarden, to make the poor amends.  Trueman. 
With such another.  Coniwooll. 
O by no means, hence forth they shall have Coals at fourteen pence, I'll bate them the odd two pence. If any honest Gentleman or Knight be pleased to make me his Executor, I'll pay them all their Legacies in groats, and get but one poor 12. pence in a pound.  Trueman. 
But will you be so honest?  Coniwooll. 
Truly I, if any man would have my Coniwooll, I'll bate them six pence now in every pound, for I resolve to be an honest man, and play the knave no more.  Trueman. 
'tis true indeed, you have used that trade too long.  Coniwooll. 
Besides I do forgive that honest man, surnamed Tom Teltroth, who a book did write, and made my faults apparent to the world, and wrought me to conversion.  Trueman. 
Indeed he was a very honest man, and you had need reward him.  Coniwooll. 
The money likewise I hereafter gather upon Communion days, shall be bestowed upon poor people, it shall never be shared amongst the poor Churchwardens: Nor will I have any mental reservation when I cry, Pray remember the poor, meaning myself and my brethren of the Vestry, and not the poor of the Parish.  Trueman. 
'tis well resolved, believe me neighbour Coniwooll, this your repentance makes me wondrous glad, and to the world I will so plain express it, that those poor people, that before did flout you, shall now adore you, you shall no more be like a wand'ring star, but now be sixth, and make your seven stars eight, which then shall shine, although now clouded, brightly and divine.  Coniwooll. 
One thing more because I desire to give to the world a large testimony of my repentance, I have framed by the help of Mr. Thomas Teltroth (whose friendship I esteem above my life) a friendly admonition to all my brethren, alias Vestry men, from the greatest to the least, whersoever dispersed thorough out the 3. kingdoms of England, Scotland, & Ireland.  Trueman. 
Pray let me hear it.  Coniwooll. 
You shall sir. First I do admonish every covetous careless Doctor, which esteems his profit, above his pulpit, those that will preach but once a month, and that too by reason that he will have his share of the poors money which is gathered on Communion days, let me be your pattern, resolve to be honest hereafter, preach once in a fortnight, although you make a repetition Sermon, rack not the bodies of your Parishioners, but feed their souls.  Trueman. 
A Christian like admonition, Heaven grant they may have the grace to follow it.  Coniwooll. 
Next I admonish every Curate, to be officious in the performing the duty belonging to his place and calling, and to be an upright man, not to take money of rich Heirs to make large praises of those that are dead, which living were not praiseworthy, a crime neighbour to frequent amongst some of our Curates and Lecturers.  
Thirdly, I admonish every Sexton or Clark, never to connive or join with their covetous Doctor in the giving way to have private burials out of rich men's houses, of the sickness and other infectious diseases, only to hid it from the world, for which they receive a great sum of money, share it amongst themselves, which being done, the cl●rk he cries, Amen.  Trueman. 
True indeed Master Conniwooll, too many of them cry Amen, when they have more need to cry Amend; but should they do so, they would not be so rich, nor would they strive so much for the place, and I believe it is more for love to the profit that ensues by it, than any love they have to the religious office, merely of the service of God: But pray you proceed.  Coniwooll. 
Fourthly, I admonish you and all my brethren Churchwardens and Overseers of the poor, I beseech you be overseers for the poor, deal uprightly, make no more five pound Suppers with the poors money, drink no more pottles of Sack at the Parish charge, buy your wives no more Taffeta petticoats, nor ten pound Gorgets with your weekly shares out of the poors box. Likewise, I beseech you to be careful Stewards at offerings, let a plain pair of gloves given you by the bridegroom content you; take up no more Crowns to buy you fringe Gloves richly perfumed. Surely Brethren, I have found it to be true, that the richest perfume most strangely doth consume, and vanish away in a short winter's day, and instantly doth perish.  Trueman. 
Truly Brother, a man may believe this to be true, because you have had the trial of all these things.  Coniwooll. 
To my great grief I have: but to the next. Likewise all Constables, Headboroughs, and Beadles, let me admonish you to watch warily, lest you verify the old Proverb, Harm watch, harm catch; trust not to the eyes of your associates, sleep not for fear you be taken napping, if a Gentleman and his Taffata-Lasse in her Copper lace russell by you, have a care she put not our one of your eyes with a spangle, let them not go , for if it be known, you will have no colour for it. Likewise, you Beadles that tyrannize over a beggar, and shake hands with a pick pocket, take heed, for though you have carried many a beggar to Bridewell, such Rogues will carry you to Tyburn, and then you will find it better to have said Stand thief, than go Beggar. So having finished my Admonitions, I rest, hoping that my example will induce all my brethren Officers that know themselves guilty, to repent like me, for fear that Thomas Telleroth find Employment to anatomize their names, as he hath done mine. Thus leaving the honest Officers to their continuance in virtue, and the knavish Officers to amend, I rest with this Proverb, Let none but the galled Horse kick, let none take my Admonition amiss, but him that would proclaim himself guilty of my offences.  
Let all amend, let every man abhor  
So great a crime, as to deceive the poor;  
Be not ambitious, Office to obtain;  
For justly by Church-Office none can gain:  
Be faithful Wardens, and your soul's regard,  
An upright Steward cannot want reward;  
For the poors prayers, will daily mount the skies.  
And offer for your souls a Sacrifice,  
Acceptable to God, and you shall rest  
(Happy on earth) in Heaven for ever blest.   
FINIS.