THE Swearing-Master: OR, A CONFERENCE Between two Country-Fellows Concerning the TIMES.  NED. and WIL Ned. 
COme Wil. unstring, and pay your Groat, for I am confident thou wast fuddled last night, thou look'st so thin and small-beerish this morning.  Wil 
Fuddled quotha, I would that were the worst on't Ned, for then a Nap might do ones business, and set a body to rights again; But I tell thee my Head's broke, my Brains are split, I am distracted, and my senses are all turned wrong side outwards; and all this with the dreadful Image and Reflection of yesternights talk.  Ned. 
What, I warrant you drank Brandy last night, with the two Gentlemen that ' lighted at Bess' just as I went away.  Wil 
That's all nothing; But the talk, the talk that I had with them was enough to have made all the wise men of Greece stark mad. I did but only dream of it in the night, (which you know I could not help) and methought the Devil had like to have taken me napping, and carried me sheer away.  Ned. 
Prithee, honest Wil what could that be?  Wil 
Hold a blow there Mr. Edward; for, to tell you the truth, the Gentlemen have sworn me to secrecy, and I would have you know I scorn to forswear myself.;  Ned. 
Pish, man, art thou no forwarder in the knowledge of this present world, than to talk of forswearing thyself? That's no sin sure; or at least, every body does not believe it is.  Wil 
By my troth thou talk'st so like one of their Disciples, that, if thou wilt swear secrecy to me again, I'll even tell thee all our Conversation; for in good earnest it lies so heavy upon my stomach, that I would give all the world to be eased on't.  Ned. 
I swear then (look this way) by all that's contained in the round world, and twenty thousand miles beyond it, That I'll be as secret as a deed of darkness; except I should chance to light o' some body that will swear secrecy to me again, and to such a one you know I may tell it, let it be what it will under TREASON.  Wil 
Very good; I see how it will be; The Gentlemen they have told me something under and Oath of secrecy; I shall tell it thee upon the same terms; thou shalt tell it a third; that third shall tell it to three thousand, and so on to the end of the Chapter, till every body know it, through every body's Perjury.  Ned. 
Alas, alas! Wil if Perjury be a sin, how many men do you and I know, (and some of very good fashion too) that will smoak for't in the Devils Kitchin. But prithee be sudden, and tell me what is this mighty secret?  Wil 
Why I'll tell thee then; That Fellow which thou saw'st there in the Velvet-Cap, that looked so like my Landlord, is a Swearing-Master, and that other tall lean Janisary with the Whiskers that was with him, is his Usher, and they are come down into our Country here to set up a Swearing-School.  Ned. 
A Swearing-School sayest thou? And what dost thou think Justice Brushum (God bless his Worship) will say to that? ha'?  Wil 
Away you Fool, thou dost not understand right. All the Scholars at their admission must swear secrecy, and then there's no danger. But if any leaky Fellow (like thee or me) should chance to discover all, the Master has a beyond-sea-Patent to show for't, from— let me see— Sancha Pancha I think they call the place; and he has a Friend of a certain Doctorhere in England, Dr. Case I think his Name is, and a whole Grand-Jury of a mattet of nineteen good men and true besides.  Ned. 
Hang 'em, they'll do no good on't here in the Country; they were better even go back again to London, and there they may fairly put out Printed-bills of their Mystery: But what do such clumsy Bumkinly Fellows as thou are I care for swearing, except it be at the Alehouse, or at the Sizes? and than we can do it without the help of a Master.  Wil 
Back again to London, sayest thou? That will never do, for a trick that I heard them telling yesternight, till the next P—.  Ned. 
Sweet William, what trick was that?  Wil 
Why, you must know, Ned, that as the transporting of Irish-cattels spoiled the Trade of England, and was voted a Nuisance, so the transporting of Irish- Witnesses has been the very ruin and breaking of a great many English Oath-breakers, who (poor Rogues) can scarce make own and own at years' end, the Bogg-trotters do so under-sell them: But they said, they hoped that the next P— would prefer a Bill against them, as well as that not long since did against their .  Ned. 
But prithee what would this Swearing-Master be at? When a Scholar has spent a great deal of Money and Pains in learning to Swear and Forswear, how shall he do, I say, (when he comes to understand his Trade perfectly) to set up for himself, and get a Livelihood by it?  Wil 
Why to that he answers thus, and methinks very modestly, That, to say the Truth, indeed the Trade is not so good as it was when it came first up, by a great matter in the week; but that it is still such, that a good Husband may make an honest shift to live on't.  Ned. 
Ay, but I have heard that there are a great many of those poor Irish, and some of the English too, of that Profession, that have made said complaints of Poverty, that have been readier to Curse than Swear, and wished with all their hearts they had been bound to some other Trades.  Wil 
Pish! Dost not thou hear all sorts of Tradesmen crying out continually of bad Times and dead Trading? That's all but a mere face and juggle to discourage other undertakers; But if there were nothing to be got by Evidencing, why should there be so much projecting and endeavouring to get into the employment? Nay, I'll tell thee, (for a matter of three or four hundred good substantial What-d'ye-lacks that have shut up Shop within these three years) I can remember but one of these Fellows that has miscarried, (and they say 'twas his own fault too,) and that was one Fitz what-d'ye-call him; and he, poor Rogue, was hissed off the Stage I know not how, unpitied, and forsaken by every body alive, but his Wife and John Catch.;  Ned. 
Yes, I can tell thee of another; and that was our Countryman, that went to set up at Brussels: I have forgot his Name; but I remember people said he was Nephew to the Quaker that went to Rome to convert the Pope.  Wil 
Why prithee what of him?  Ned. 
He went to the Governor of the Spanish-Netherlands, you must know, with his mouthful of a fine story of a Plot, a Design, an Intrigue, a Consult, and God knows what, of subverting the Government; but the Issue of his brain was so tender and delicate, that all the Plotters and Counter-plotters in England could never have kept it alive in that Air. Ill luck he had to be found out in it; and so was broken (as they say) upon the Wheel of Fortune.  Wil 
I marry Sir, this comes of gadding abroad; had he stayed, and made the best use of his Talon at home, he might (for aught I know) have been alive, and live-like at this day. But, poor shallow-brained Rascal, he never remembered that all Plants do not grow in all Countries; And that, though they send us now and then a Cross-biter from beyond Sea, yet they'll be hanged before they'll take any of ours. England, England is the only dear place for propagating of Lies, and sham's, and Plots, and Cheats; The Infidels of the Continent, I warrant you, they laugh smoothly at our Fears, and can make themselves sport enough to see us Islanders damned for having too much Faith.  Ned. 
But prithee Wil tell me now, what wouldst thou have a body do? Suppose now that Lazarello of Tormes and the Knight of the Oracle should take their Corpulent Oaths before Mr. Brushum, That seven Pilgrims in Buckram, with every one a brown Bill in his Pocket, knocked thee (or say me) i'th' head yester-evening, about six a clock, (or say between six and seven, to be sure,) should either thou or I (thinkest thou) be such wicked profligate Unbelievers, as to give no Credit to the Evidence, especially since in such Cases (as Gaffer Whisker the Constable tells us) they swear for the King? For my part I know what I think, and I know what I should think: But yet (you may imagine if you please) there are those in England, that would believe (just as they do the Gospel) that what was sworn must needs be truth; That they were really (according to the Deposition or Narrative) killed at such or such a time; and that now, for all their walking, and talking, and drinking, and thinking, they are but mere Ghosts and Spectres, God bless us!  Wil 
Well, now I'll tell thee in such a case what I would do; I would turn my back exactly to the Evidence, and looking 'em full in the faces over my left shoulder, I would tell 'em they lied in their throats; that they were Pimps, and Rogues, and had been brought up at the Swearing-School, though they were the best Tormes' and Oracles in the Nation.  Ned. 
Why at this rate, though every body be free to swear, you would have every body free to believe as they pleased, would you not?  Wil 
Ay that I would in sober sadness; for in my mind 'tis as plain as the Nose upon a man's Face, that swearing Knaves make believing Fools, and that believing Fools make swearing Knaves; and God knows when we shall have an end of this Circle.;  Ned. 
Now, Wil methinks thou hast spoken gravely, and like a Philosopher, and if we had a Pen and Ink here, I would subscribe what thou hast said; and there's an end.   

LONDON: Printed for N. T. 1681.