THE Pagan Prince: Or a Comical History OF THE heroic achievements OF THE Palatine of Eboracum  
By the Author of the Secret History of King Charles II. and K. James II.  
Amsterdam. 1690.   

TO THE French King.  
BEhold, Great Sir, a Champion of your own moulding; and tho' not altogether of the growth, yet the perfect Manufacture of France. For in your Court he had his Education, and learnt his first Rudiments of War, under one of your greatest Generals, who God rest his Soul, was cursed in his Mothers belly, as being killed with a Cannon Bullet, upon the Dry Land. 'Tis true, that once upon a time, you felt to your sorrow, the pvissance of this are adful Champions Arm; but that Brush being over, and all things reconciled, he has ever since most Cordially and Strenuously fought all along for your Interest and Exaltation. He abandoned the Religion of his Fathers, and embraced the Idolatry of his Mothers to make you Great, and run through Fire and Water to serve your turns: and I humbly submit it to your incomparable judgement whether those two Elements, as your Champion managed them, did not contribute very much to the Advancement of your Great Designs. These things you considered, and  told him that your Interest and his were so clearly linked together, that they who opposed the one should be look't upon as Enemies to the other. Vouchsafe then Great Sir, kindly to entertain him, returning to your Country laden with Renown and the Spoils of your Enemies; and if not in consideration of his Immortal exploits, yet for the sake of his and your most beloved Messalina, bestow upon him one Corner of the Vast pastry of your Conquests, for him to rest his Limbs grown Old and Enfeebl'd with the toils and Hardships of those many Combats which he has undertaken in your Quarrel. Such a Grateful Generosity will oblige both us and all your Votaries to pray, that your successses for the future may be all like his, and that you may prosper in all your enterprizes as hitherto he has done.   

THE CONTENTS.  

CHap. 1. Of his Education in his Younger Years.  
Chap. 2. Of certain remarkable Passages that foretold his future Grandeur.  
Chap. 3. How the two Princes of Naceleor, and the Duke of Longvisage, came to visit the young Palatine, and of the Learned Discourse that passed between them.  
Chap. 4. Of the Remarkable Decision which the Palatine made of one of the difficultest Causes in the World.  
Chap. 5. How the Sieur Richard row pleaded his cause before the Palatine in answer to the Sieur John do.  
Chap. 6. How the Palatine decided this Great and Difficult Cause in the Twinkling of an Eye.  
Chap. 7. Of the various discourses at Dinner, and how the Palatine made a particular Discourse upon Valour.  
Chap. 8. Of the Pleasant discourse which the Palatine and the two Princes had after Dinner.  
Chap. 9. How the two Astopian Princes took their leaves of the Palatine, and the Palatine of them, and what followed thereupon.  
Chap. 10. How the Astopians robbed the Belgian Bakers of their Buns; and of the Cruel Wars that ensued between the two Kings of Astopia and Arragonian Belgium.  
Chap. 11. How the Marshal of Tonneure was made Chief Commander of the Astopian Army, who choose the Palatine of Eboracum to be General of his Horse.  
Chap. 12. Of the Great Pr●parations which the Palatine made, and of the Discourse betwixt him and an armorer about the Contrivance of his Arms.  
Ch. 13. Of his Discourse with his page. about being invulnerable.  
Chap. 14. Now comes his Conference with Vulcan the armorer.  
Chap. 15. How a certain Doctor came to the Palatine and prescribed him a Diet to increase his Courage.  
Chap. 16. Of the wonderful achievements which the Palatine performed in his Command of General of the Horse.  
Chap. 17. How the Palatine was Complemented out of Astopia, and of something else beside.  
Chap. 18. Of one of the strangest things that ever happened.  
Chap. 19. How the Palatine was entertained by the governor of Belgic-Arragonia; and how he vowed to be revenged upon the Astopians.  
Chap. 20. Of the Great War between the Astopians and the Belgic-Arragonians; where you may probably hear of something which the Palatine did to his Eternal Memory.  
Chap. 21. How the Palatine was restored to his Palatinate in Albion, and how he road Tantivy to Papimania.  
Chap. 22. Of the great Herring War between the Belgians and the Albionians, and how the Palatine was made Archithalassus of Albion.  
Chap. 23. Of the Great Preparations which the Palatine made to fight the Belgians.  
Chap. 24. Of the desperate engagement between the Belgians and the Albionians, and of the undaunted courage of the Palatine.  
Chap. 25. Being a Continuation of things impossible to be left out.  
Chap. 26. Of the most terrible Engagement that ever was upon the face of the Sea, and how valorously the Palatine behaved himself.  
Chap. 27. Being a Continuation of the Bloody Engagement.  
Chap. 28. Of the Miraculous Preservation of the Palatine, which surpasses all belief.  
Chap. 29. How the Palatine waked and was found again to the great Joy of those that beholded him.  
Ch. 30. Of the Great rejoicing and Triumphing in the City of Troy-Novant, for the great Victory obtained against the Belgians, and of the great Honours done the Palatine.  
Chap. 31. How Peace ensued, and then War, and then Peace and then War again between the Albionians and the Belgians, and how the Palatine cut the Gordian Knot.  
Chap. 32. How the Palatine followed the Example of Nero the Tyrant of Rome.  
Chap. 33. More of this and something else.  
Chap. 34. Of the Great Similitude in every particular between the Two dismal Conflagrations of Old Rome and New Troy.  
Chap. 35. Where the Comparison ends.  
Chap. 36. Of the Great joy at the Imperial Court of Gehenna for the Burning of Troy-Novant and how the King of Astopia and the Palatine triumphed over a Map of the ruins.  
Chap. 37. How the Palatine and the King of Astopia pursued their design of destroying the Belgians.  
Chap. 38. How the Palatine set the Albionians and the Belgians a third time together by the Ears, by a Wile.  
Chap. 39. How the Palatine pursued his Designs against the Belgians.  
Chap. 40. Of the Great Preparations which the Palatine made to Encounter the Belgians a Third time.  
Chap. 41. How the Palatine went to seek out the Belgians, but found 'em not, and of his Resolutions thereupon.  
Chap. 42. Of the great perplexity the Palatine was in.  
Chap. 43. Of something worth your Hearing.  
Chap. 44. How the Palatine was surprised by the Belgians, and how he sacrificed his Vice-Archithalassus, the Knight of the Pointed Mount to his Despair.  
Chap. 45. How the Palatine wrested the Victory out of the Belgians hands, and of the Great Bon-fire he made for joy.  
Chap. 46. Of the Noise which the Palatines great achievements made in the far distant Regions of the World, and the various Effects of it.  
Chap. 47. How the Palatine married the most Beautiful Messalina Princess of Demonia upon the River Eridanus, with whom he had a Golden Mountain, and Phaetons relics for her Portion.  
Chap. 48. How the Palatine, the more to ingratiate himself with his new married Princess, raised the numerous Band of the Oriflambs of Troy-novant, and how he encountered and overthrew the whole Army of the Chinabeefians, Costardi, and Vensonpastiggians, three great Nations in perpetual Enmity with the Albionians, upon the Plains of Drappers-hallia.    

CHAP. 1. Of his Education in his Younger Years.  
THE Palatine of Eboracum and Albania, was brought up at Lutetia in Astopia, where he had a Tutor provided him by his Mother, who in his younger Years, that is to say, from Three to Five, taught him to Drink, Eat, and Sleep; to Eat, Sleep and Drink, and to Sleep, Drink and Eat. After that, he taught him to catch Flies and run after Butterflies; to Piss upon his Shoes, to sh— in his Shirt, and wipe his Nose upon his Sleeve, to wash his hands in his Porridge, to sit between two stools till his Breech came to the ground, to colour ill Dealings with bad Pretences, to eat dry Bread for want of other Victuals, to hid himself in the water from the Rain, to toil to little purpose, to answer quiter from the Matter, to strike a Dog before a Lion: to put the Cart before the Horse, to scratch where it never itch'd, to eat his Whitebread first, to trifle away time, to flatter himself with fond Imaginations, to reckon without his Host, to beat the Bush and lose the Birds, to believe the Moon was made of green Cheese, to take Bladders for lanterns, to hope to catch Larks when the Sky fell, and to make a virtue of Necessity.  
With these Instructions, the young Palatine grew up into such hopes, that his Mother was ravished with Admiration to behold the extraordinary Wit and Apprehension of her young Son. Quo she, I find in this Son of mine, a Genius aspiring to Divinity itself, so sharp, so subtle, so profound, so clear is his Apprehension. Quo she, He  told me t'other day, the prettiest Story of Alexander the Great, I wonder i' my heart where he had it! He  told me that Alexander had a Horse so fierce and fiery that no body durst ride him, he had thrown three or four Riders one after the other; he had broken the Neck of one, the Legs of another, and beat out the brains and all the Teeth of a fourth. But Alexander found it out, that, the true reason why the Horse was so furious was; for that he was frighted with his own shadow: Alexander therefore getting upon his Back, road him directly against the Sun, so that the shadow was always behind, and by that means in a little time so tamed the Horse, that he became as gentle as a Lamb. Thereupon another Tutor was sought for more proper for his Years; and at last they found out an old Sophister, whose Name was Tubal Holofernes, who first taught him his Horn-Book so exactly, that he could say it by heart backward. So that his Tutor seeing him run so prodigiously fast( for he had learnt both this and his primer in five Years and three Months) began to red to him several other Authors of greater moment; as the Book of The Seven Champions, Palmerin of England, Belianis of Greece, Don Quixot, and The Legend of Captain Jones: and in these Studies he spent thirteen Years, six Months, and a Fortnight just. But his Mother being a Lady of great Devotion in the Pagan Religion, and designing the young Palatine to be of the same Belief, Pious toward the Pagan Deities and Saints, as well as valiant Champion for the Cause, ordered his Tutor to imprint in his royal Mind her own Principles in Matters of the Pagan Faith. To which purpose, Holofernes made him a diligent Hearer of Scotus, Bellarmin, Suarez, Thomas Aquinas, and the rest of that Gang: And to render those crabbed Authors the more delightful, sometime he red to the young Palatine himself in private, the Spanish Celestina, Aretine's Dialogues, the Amours of his Grandfather by the Mother's side, together with Petronius Arbiter, and martials Epigrams, that the young Prince might be tam Mercurio quam Marti.  
After that, this Tutor died of a Clap which he got in his Old Age, and the Palatine was put under the care of Ponocrates; who ordered Him to rise every Morning between Eight & Nine of the Clock, whether it were day or no; then to put on his clothes, which he generally covered with a large thick freeze Coat, lined with Fox Skins; then to Comb his Head with a German Comb, that is to say, his four Fingers and Thumb. For his Tutor  told him, That▪ to comb, wash, and finifie himself any otherwise, was but to waste time in this world. After that he was ordered methodically to evacuate as well by Stool as Urin, to break wind, hauk, spit, hickup, sneeze, and so to Breakfast, which was generally upon good Westphalia Hamms, Carbonadoes, could Chicken or Partridges with oil and Vinegar, or fat Brewis to keep out the Infections of the Air. 'Tis true, Ponocrate●  told him, 'twas not wholesome for him to Eat so soon after he was up, before he had performed some Exercise. How so? said the Palatine; Have I not rolled and tumbled in my Bed at least six or seven times before I get up Pope Alexander did so, by the Advice of the Jew his physician, and lived till he died in spite of all the world.  
After Breakfast, he went to Church, carrying along with him in a large Pannier, a huge Breviary, weighing Cover and Parchment, and all little less than Eleven hundred and six Pounds. There he heard about Six and twenty or thirty Masses. And at the same time came to him a Mumbler of Orisons, with his Chin muffled up like the Whooping bide, with whom he muttered over all his Kyrie Eleyson's, more than sixteen Hermits could have said i'th' time.  
This done, he went to Dinner upon some Dozens of Hamms, Neats Tongues, Herring, Saucidges, and such other Vancurriers of Wine while four Men stood ready to throw in Mustard into his Mouth by shovel fulls, to make him taste his liquour, which was a hideous draft of white-wine to comfort his Kidneys.  
But this was no more than a Wine Cooper could have done; and therefore Ponocrates resolved to give his young Pupil more Princely Education. To which purpose, the famous Gymnastes was sent for, and entertained in Pay, to teach the young Palatine to ride the great Horse. Every morning therefore he was mounted, sometimes upon a Barb, sometimes upon a Genet; and a fine Sight it was to see him sometimes curvetting in the Air, at another time either leaping Ditches, or taking Pales or a high Wall, that his Horse could but just lay his Nose over. At another time, I cannot say he was for breaking his lance; for that's the idlest thing ithe world to say, I have broken ten lances at a Tilting, or in a Battle; any Carpenter might say as much: but the honour lies in breaking ten lances of the Enemy with one of his own. His business therefore was with a stiff Iron-cheek'd lance at one time to pierce a Coat of armor, throw down a three, or upon the point of it to carry away a great Saddle, a halberd or a Gauntlet, and this too all in complete armor himself from head to foot: and then for the Pop and Smack to encourage his Horse, there was no man could compare with him. The Curvetter of Ferrara was but an Ape in comparison of him; he would leap out of one Saddle into another without alighting: and with his lance in his fist, when upon the Ground, would mount his Courser without Bridle or Stirrups, and guide him as he listed. He wrestl'd, run and leaped to admiration. He made nothing of a Ditch ten paces wide: he would run six paces up a steep Wall, and clamber up to a Window ten foot high. He would run up a three like a Cat, and leap from Bough to Bough like a Squirrel. And which was more, with two strong steel Daggers, and two strong Bodkins he would run up to the top of a House like a Rat, and come down again without ever hurting himself. And by such Exercises as these, he enured himself in such a manner to Military Labours, that he won himself the famed of being one of the most hardy and hopeful Knights in all Astopia.   

Chap. 2. Of certain remarkable Passages that foretold his future Grandeur.  
WHile he was thus under Tutelage, it happened that he went in the Summer time into the Country, partly to take the Air, and partly to learn the way of seeking forest Adventures, after the manner of the Ancient Champions, of whom he resolved to be an exact Imitator. And it is reported, that he was so enraged against one forest for harbouring Hornets and Gadbee's to the great persecution of his Horses Buttocks as he road along, that had he not been mollified by his Tutors, who  told him he might do what he pleased in his own Territories, but that he had nothing to do there, he would not have left a three standing, but would have grubb'd up the Elms and Oaks with his hands, till he had laid the forest as bare as the Downs of Sarum. However this great and magnanimous resolution of his to revenge his Horses Buttocks, had spread itself far and near; so that when he return'd back to Lutetia, Heaven's! how the people thronged in heaps to see him. Some in Admiration of his growing famed, others expecting he would have set all the Conduits a running Wine, to give them his welcome to Town. But as he road along, the Multitude and Press of the Rabble was so extraordinary, that he was forced to step from his Saddle into one of the Towers of the Temple of Nosterdamus. Where being at a little Ease, and seeing the vast Clusters of People underneath him; I'll lay my Life, quo he, these Ragamuffins expect that I should give 'em my welcome home: If I do, quo he, it shall be in Wine of my own Burning; and so saying, he let go from his Priapus with that frankness and generosity, that he drowned no less than Thirty four thousand, four hundred and eighteen, besides Women and Children.  
They that escaped the terrible shower, when they were got out of danger, sweeting, coughing, spitting, and quiter out of breath all in hurly burly and confusion, some fell a Swearing and Cursing like so many Tinkers; others could not choose but laugh at the Conceit: quo they, if he fights as he pisses, it will not be the Great Turks best way to provoke him.   

Ch. 3. How the two Princes of Naceleo●, and the Duke of Longvisage, came to visit the young Palatine, and of the Learned Discourse that passed between them.  
BY this time the Palatine was arrived to years of Maturity; and had so improved himself in all Military Exercises, that he was become the Talk and wonder of all Astopia, Certainly, said the Prince of Naceleor to the Duke of Long visage, if what is reported of this Troynovan: Palatine be truth, he must be a Composition of all the Seven Champions together. Thereupon they both resolved upon a day to give the Palatine a Visit, as well for that they thought it not fitting that such a Person should live in the world of Astopia, and they not know him, as also that they might be able to testify upon their own trial the certainty of what otherwise s●em'd to be so strange and Romantick. Those two great Astopian Grandees were not ignorant how frequent it is for Flatterers to cry up in great Personages those Things for Perfections, which in others would be looked upon as little Acquisitions. On the other side, they considered that Flattery attended only upon those that were able to reward; and therefore why men should take so much pains to extol the Palatine, who at that time had not a foot of Land in the whole Universe, they could not conceive. But then they reflected again, that they who applauded him to that high degree, were men of foresight, and flattered him not for what he had at present, but believing that through his Valour, and other extraordinary Endowments, he would not only purchase Kingdoms, but Empires hereafter. But because they would not go empty handed, in imitation of the Ethiopian Queen to Solomon the Wise, they ordered their Squires to let the Palatine know their Intention beforehand, as being unwilling to surprise so great a Prince; and to make way for their own welcome, they provided a Regalio or Present consisting of seventeen Oxen, three Heifers, two and thirty Calves, sixty three fat Kids, fourscore and fifteen Weathers, three hundred sucking Pigs, eleven score pair of Partridges, seven hundred Woodcocks, four hundred fat Capons, six thousand Pullets, and as many Pigeons, six hundred wants, fourteen hundred Leverets, three hundred and three Bustards, and one thousand seven hundred Cock-chickens: How many Haunches of Venison I cannot presently reckon; besides eighteen fat Bucks that were sent by the Lord the Lord knows who. Wildfowls there were without number, as Teal, Widgins, Plovers, Godwits, Lapwings, More-hens, Herons, with several others, for which we have no names. And that there might be no want of all the choicest & rarest Wines that Astopia could afford, there was Provision made of no less than two thou●●nd and six Hampers, each Hamper containing twelve Dozen of Bottles. With this Present the two Squires being sent before, delivered their Message with a decency answerable to the Dignity of their Masters from whom they came, and the Sublimity of the Palatine, to whom they were sent. The Palatine on the other side admiring the Magnificence of the Present, received the two Squires with an extraordinary Civility and Affability, and after he had slipped into each of their right hands a French half Crown, assured them of his great acknowledgement of the signal Honour which their Masters had done him, and how glad he should be of their good Company. Presently seven thousand six hundred fifty four Cooks were set to work to prepare and dress this wonderful heap of Varieties, besides Scullions and Turn-broaches: And the Palatine took care that every thing was done with that extraordinary Method and Sobriety, as denoted the exactness of his future O●conomy and Government: insomuch that because the Chopping Knives should not make too much noise, the very Dresser-Boards were lined with double Bays.  
And now the Day appointed being come, the two Astopian Peers appeared with their Trains so numerous and magnificent, that nothing could be said to equal them, unless the ancient Trains of the Kings of Persia; or that of the Great Mogul, when he goes abroad to visit his Elephants. When they entered into the Great Hall, they found the Palatine hearing a very difficult and perplexed Cause, that had puzzled all the Courts and all the Great Lawyers of Astopia, so that the two Antagonists being quiter tired with the Delays and expenses of the Law, resolved to apply themselves for his determination to the Palatine, of whose piercing Wit and quick Apprehension they had heard so loud a Character.  
The Cause was a very knotty Cause between the Sieur John do Plaintiff, and the Sieur Richard row Defendant. By the way, I should have  told ye, that when the Palatine saw the two Princes enter, he would have descended from his judgement Seat to meet them; but they cried out to him, No, no, Sir Palatine, no by no means, go on with your Business: which they were the rather willing to do, in regard they came not as Taylors to take measure of his Body, but of his Soul; which they knew could no way better be done than by observation of the Acuteness of his Wit and judgement.   

Chap. 4. Of the Remarkable Decision which the Palatine made of one of the difficultest Causes in the World.  
NOw the Case was this. The Sieur John do Plaintiff, pleaded, that a certain old Woman belonging to his House, carried a Basket of Eggs to Market to sell. Now this Woman stepped aside between the two Tropics six Inches toward the Zenith, because the Riphaean Mountains that year were very barren of Kickshaws, by reason of a terrible Sedition between the Gibble Gabblers, and your Men of Brevity, who both argued for the Rebellion of the swissers, who were assembled together like flies in a Sugar Chest to go about with their Wassail-bowls just at the time of the Year, when People first begin to give their Cows Porridge, and their Dogs Oats. But the Physicians affirmed, they found no reason by her Urine, but that the Woman might eat Iron Mattocks with Mustard, unless it were that the great Men at Court had forbidden the French Disease to trouble the Bumpkins, as being more desirous to entertain it themselves. Nevertheless who would not let go the bide before he be troubled, and have his Ea●s cufft to make him discover it. For there is no reason, why Lent falls so high, but that Easter never comes, but it costs a man money.  
Here the Sieur Richard row interrupting the Sieur John do, by the Belly of St. Anthony, quo the Palatine, what have you to do to speak before your time? I sweat here like a Wine-Porter to understand your Business, and you must be perplexing the Cause— Hold your Tongue in the Devils name, and speak when it comes to your turn.  
Then the Sieur John do proceeding, Sir, said he, when I saw that the pragmatic Sanction made nothing of this matter, but that the Pope gave Liberty for every one to fart at their own Pleasure, let them be as poor as they would, provided the Blankets were whole, and considering that there was a Rain-bow appeared at Rome lately, to give notice to the People to hatch Larks; a kinsman of the Womans persuaded her, since the Pope and Heaven were agreed, to discharge her Ischiatics, and not to put her self to the pain of hiding the perturbation of her body. Now I being willing to obey the King, armed myself from top to to with good B●lly timber, to see how my Vintagers had pink'd their Steeple crowned Caps, that they might the better be able to play at In, and In; thô it were a dangerous time, considering that several of the Guards were refused mustering, for wearing black patches upon their Noses. Therefore it was like to be a good year for Tawny-beetles to the great ease of the Carriers of Pardons, when they have eaten till their Bellies Crack with their Breeches unbutton'd. These things considered without any more Niceties or slicing of Cucumbers, I desire your Lordships opinion upon the Case and Allowance of my expenses, with Interest and damages.   

Chap. 5. How the Sieur Richard row pleaded his cause before the Palatine in answer to the Sieur John do.  
THen the Sieur Richard row taking his turn, My Lord and Right Worshipful, if the Iniquity of men were but as easily discerned by plain Authentical judgement, as we discern flies in Milk, the World as to the four Oxen, would not be so much eaten up with Rats as it is. For thô what my Adversary has said be very true as to the Letter and History of the Factum, yet the little Tricks, Deceits and Cavils of the Law are hidden under the Cloak for the Knavery.  
'Tis true, I bought a Curtal of High Germany, of a very good Wool, and died in Grain, as the Goldsmiths assured me, but the Notary put in other things. I am no Clerk to take the Moon by the Horns with my Teeth, but at the Butter Pot, where the Instruments were sealed, the report was, that salt Beef would make a man find out the Wine thô 'twere hide at the bottom of a Charcoal mans Sack. I have consulted great Clerks and Lawyers about this matter, and they all conclude, that there is no such way in the World as digging all the Summer long in a Cave well furnished with Pen, Ink and Paper: For as soon as the Harness smells of garlic, the rust eats away the Liver of it. Tarabin Tarabas. 'Tis true, that as to the four Oxen, concerning which the Dispute is, their Memories were somewhat short; but as to the Knowledge of their Gammut, they defi'd all the Canary Birds in the Country. For grant that upon coupling of two greyhounds, the Puppies should grow proud before their Time, with Submission to the Court, it does not thence follow that six Acres of Land, at full measure shall amount to three Vessels of fine Ink, without blowing in the basin; that is, without paying down ready Money, and so I pray your Highnesses judgement with allowance of Costs, damages, &c.   

Chap. 6. How the Palatine decided this Great and Difficult Cause in the twinkling of an Eye.  
THe Defendant having thus made an end, the Palatine demanded of the Sieur John do, whether he had any thing to reply? Who answering, No, the Palatine turning to the Counsellors and Doctors there assembled, you have heard, said he, the Case argued, and now what think you of it? Yes quo they, an't please you Sir, we have heard it, but the Devil a bit do we understand it. Well says the Palatine, then I'll make an end of it, for I can find no such difficulty in it, as you pretend. harken therefore to the Sentence of the Court which is this. The Court having considered the horrible shuddering of the Flickmouse in her brave retreat from the Summer Solstice, to court the Kickshaws of the Age that were got Sick of the Pip with their overnights debauchery, so that the good Woman was frighted from her Marketing by that same Hypocrite of an Archer, that stands always with his Bow bent in the sky; and forced to walk with her Feet swelled, one stocking off and t'other on, therefore the Plaintiff has just cause of Complaint; and therefore in Conscience the good Woman ought to be reimburs'd in Gew-gaws to the full number of the Hairs upon the Heifers back; and so much for the Embroiderer, that is to say, so much for that. The Plaintiff is also discharged from all Royal Prosecutions upon any Information for not having made all clean after exoneration, as was fairly decided by two perfumers upon a fair trial of his Bum▪ gun-shot levelled exactly at a C●udle of walnuts. Only because the Plaintiff has charged the Defendant to be a cobbler, a Runaway, and a Clipper of Money, which after long Jangling and Wrangling the Plaintiff has not proved, the Court condemns him in three large pair of Drawers full of Cheese-curds well pressed together, Gingembob'd and Cod-piec'd after the fashion of the country, payable to the Defendant every Mid-August in May. On the other side, the Defendant shall be obliged to furnish the Plaintiff with Hay and Tow to open the passage of his Gut●ural Trap doors, when ever they shall be pestered with any Fat Morsels that are ready to choke him: and so to be good Friends as before.  
This decree was look't upon as a thing beyond imagination. For it never happened since the Flood, nor ever will happen in thirteen Jubiles, that two Persons so long at Daggers drawing as John do and Rich. row had been, were ever so satisfied with a decree as those two Adversaries were. As for the Counsellors and Doctors that were present, they were all in an ecstasy for three hours together; and some of 'em were in such an amaze that they were forced to throw Rose-water and Vinegar in their faces to fetch 'em again. And as for the two Princes they sate staring upon one another, like two strange Cats in Admiration that a Person so young as the Palatine should be able to understand the Laws and Customs of Astopia better than all the most learned Counsellors and Judges of the Land. With that the two Princes rose up and embraced the Palatine with all the Tenderness imaginable; wishing him withal, according to his deserts, the Early command of a Kingdom, which certainly they said, must be the most happy in the World under the Government of such a Valiant and Prudent Prince. On the other side the Palatine begged their Pardon for having made them tarry so long, but hoped they would make themselves amends by that freedom which they had made their undoubted Right and due through their unparallelled Bounty and Magnificence.   

Chap. 7. Of the various discourses at Dinner, and how the Palatine made a particular Discourse upon Valour.  
DInner being served up, all that were to sit down, took their places; and they that were to wait, stood upon their feet, as is usual upon such occasions. Now as the company was numerous, and every one had the Liberty to use his Freedom, so it were within the Limits of Decency and discretion, hence it was that the greatest part of the Task was only Rimble ramble discourse. Among the rest there was a good Jolly Priest, I have forgot what his name was, who by his Nose seemed to be much more fond of officiating at a good Feast, than at the Altar; and by his Habit seemed to be some Pagan, Abbot, or Arch flamen of the Pagan order of St. Francis, but what ever he was, his tongue seldom lay still, and he set other mens tongues a going as fast as his own. There was not a dish of Meat that came to the Table, but he had something to comment upon it. Quo he, of all the Fish that swim in Salt or Fresh water, except it be a Tench, give me the Wing of a Partridge, or the Thigh of a Nun, and by my consent he shall never be look't upon as a good fellow that dyes with an empty stomach. Quo the Prince of Naceleor, I know one of your Coat, that always commanded the White of a Capon. That's quiter contrary to the judgement of your Foxes, cried another, for they still leave the white of Poultry, and yet one would think they should be the best judges of the Brawn of a Capon. Oh, quo the flamen, that's because your Foxes have neither Cooks nor kitchens. For if Poultry be not well boiled, their flesh will look read and not white. The redness of Victuals is a sign of rawness: except it be in Lobsters and Crayfish, for those the more they look like Cardinals, the better they are. And is that the reason, honest Priest, quo the D. of Longvisage, that ye rank the Thighs of a Nun, with the Wing of a Partridge? No, no, my Lord, but because they say that part is the best which always exercises most: and therefore we prefer the Legs of Tame fowl, before the Wings of Wild foul. But to the purpose, page. bring me a Brimmer,— so— now have at that Pheasant, there's no Malice against the dead. 'Tis the best thing in the World for men to mind their business, when a man has business to do, let him do it, and when 'tis done, 'tis done: I know two stout Champions that had been drinking ten nights and ten days together, and at the end of the ten days and nights, one of the two would needs be gone, for I know not what worm which wrung him by the tail. Upon which the other finding that he could not stop him, bid him go to the Devil, telling him withal that if he had thought he had been a Vlincter, he would never have kept him Company. And I think he was much in the right on't: For when a man has once undertaken a business, let him go thorough stitch with it.  
I'am of your Opinion, quo the Palatine to the flamen( for by this the Glasses had passed round pretty often) when a man Fights let him Fight, and when he Drinks let him Drink, as a Sea Captain  told my Grandfather of blessed Memory. I hate a man like poison that flies, when he should be laying about him and playing the Devil with two sticks. I wish I were but King of Astopia for fourscore or a hundred Years or such a Matter, by the Belly of St. Anthony, if I would not feed my greyhounds with all those dastardly Cowards that fled from the Battle of Pavia, and left their King in the lurch, a murrain take 'em; why did they not rather die than desert that brave Prince in his Necessity? For is it not far more honourable to die in the Field bravely fighting for his Life, than to live with the reproachful Character of a faint▪ hearted Coward? I have heard that Don Quixote was a man of so much mettle, that he would have fought with the Devil h●mself: immortal be his Honour: for, for my part I had rather be a cuckolded than a Coward at any time: for the one a man cannot help, the other he may. But Sir, quo the Duke of Longvisage, we have a Proverb in Astopia, better be a Coward than Fool Hardy. I know, replied the Palatine, there are many good Astopian Proverbs but this is the worst that ever I heard. For under the shelter of this Proverb, a man may make a thousand pretences for his Cowardice: away with it, Jarnigoy, away with it. I would not have a generous man have it in his thoughts, for fear it should make him Chicken-hearted in the day of battle. I will be bound, Messieurs, to be fed in a great Trunk with Chocolate and Cheese-cakes all the days of my Life if my Grandfather by the Mother's side had ever worn the Crown of Astopia, had he thought of this Proverb. And of all men in the World he is the only Hero that I propose to imitate. For whether he combated in the Field or in the Chamber 'twas all one to him: and were I now as deep in the Book of famed as He, I would not care if I were stabbed to morrow. For then a man would be at the end of his toil, and only have the pleasure to look down from some star of the first Magnitude( for such are the Celestial Palaces of great Princes) and see with delight the Trophies and Statues every where set up in memory of his heroic Actions, from the Picture shining with Izingglass and golden Leather, to the Marble Effigies and Pyramid of Brass.  
The two Astopian Princes hearing these words, and judging of the abounding magnanimity of the Heart out of which the mouth spoken, looked upon one another, but said not a word, only laid up his sayings in their breasts, to make their comments upon them at more leisure. But there were others that sate at the Table, that were so smitten with terror to behold the sternness of his Delivery, and the Resolution of his Mind, that their Hearts sank down to their Midriffs, and they made Private vows to themselves to provoke the anger of Jupiter himself, before they would incur the Palatines Indignation. Insomuch that many Companykeepers awed the Hectors and Bullys of Lutetia only by naming his name, as Nurses fright their Children with Rawhead and Bloody Bone.   

Chap 8. Of the Pleasant discourse which the Palatine and the two Princes had after Dinner.  
WHen the Table was cleared and readorn'd with fresh Bottles, silver Monteiths, and crystal glasses, and that the Healths were beginning to go round, I cannot tell for my life how it began, neither does the Astopian History speak any thing of it, and therefore most surely it must have come in by Head and Shoulders; for that it did come in, and that there was such a discourse, we find in the fifteenth Volume of Historical and Political Reflections, Printed at Cologne, in the year of Grand Revolutions. Neither was there so much improbability, but that there might be such a discourse, considering the Nature of the Astopian Soil, which does not only infuse Invention and Ingenuity into the Native Inhabitants, but also into all Foreigners that bring any Brains along with them into the Country.  
I wonder, said the Palatine, now I see all this neatness, brightness and cleanness upon the Table, that the Astopians so curious and nice in other things, should be so nasty in the public Streets. Moreover, I have observed, that several of your Astopian Ladies never Garter up their stockings, but go with their hose about their heels like rough-footed Pigeons. For my part, I have such a natural Affection to cleanliness, be it in whatever part of the Body it will, that I always took care to keep my Backside as clean as the back of my Hand: so that I never went to mine Uncles, but I always bethought myself of some Invention or other to perform that Office.  
The Palatine was going on, and would have gone on to the end of the Chapter, but that afterwards being interrupted to Pledge a Health that was going round, by that time he had taken off his Glass, he had quiter forgot what he was saying. For to say truth, the greatest Imperfection which the Palatine had, was his want of Memory, which was the reason that afterwards, when he came to bear the chief sway in Albion, whatever he promised to day, by to morrow he always forgot to perform it. However the Astopian Princes ex pede Herculem, observed the quickness of his Wit, and how eager he was in the chase of Knowledge, when they found him Exercising his Thoughts even in the most abject Considerations of Nature.   

Chap. 9. How the two Astopian Princes took their leaves of the Palatine, and the Palatine of them, and what followed thereupon.  
THere was never any Feast, how Magnificent soever, that lasted a whole Year together; for that there are other important businesses of this Life to be followed as well as eating and drinking. So that after the two Astopian Princes had crammed their Bellies, fed like Farmers, and drank like Tinkers, they took their leaves of the Palatine, telling him a hundred Stories and Flimflams of their Veneration for his Person, and their readiness to serve his Interests, and assuring him withal that they would suddenly give him an opportunity to signalise that Courage & Herculean Prowess which they saw not only budding, but full blown in his temper. They farther added, that the world was full of Monsters of Tyranny, Serpents and Dragons of Cruelty, Hydra's of Usurpation, Minotaurs of Rebellion, Nemean lions of Rapine and Extortion, Diomeds that fed their Horses with Man's Flesh, and after all another Golden Fleece to be wrested vi & armis out of the Possession of the Great Mogul, whither they made no question but his Arms would reach in time. So that whether he took upon him the Person of Theseus, Hercules, pirithous, Jason, or any other of the Ancient Hero's, he would find Adventures anow to exercise his magnanimous Resolutions upon, and spread his famed beyond whatever was yet recorded in Story.  
The Palatine on the other side return'd them a Cartload of thanks for their good Company. Protesting withal, that he would omit no occasion of showing his readiness to be serviceable not only to themselves, but to the whole Kingdom of Astopia. I confess, said he, at present you see me as it were shut up in a Cage like a Fool, but by the strength of this Arm and the favour of Heaven in a short time I hope to be in such a Condition as to expand that Royal Munificence and Gratitude which now lies dormant and contracted within my Breast. I know that no Man but a sovereign can be truly Liberal, and that Gratitude as the famous D. Quixot said, is but a dead virtue, like Faith without Works. And therefore it is that I could wish that Fortune would offer me some favourable Opportunity to advance myself to the degree of my Ancestors of glorious Memory; I would give her for bail the word of a Prince, that she should have no cause to repent it. You need not fear Fortune's Assistance; 'tis her own Interest, replied the Princes, winking with one eye, and smiling upon the half Turn, and so departed.   

Chap. 10. How the Astopians robbed the Belgian Bakers of their Buns; and of the Cruel Wars that ensued between the two Kings of Astopia and Arragonian Belgium.  
IT was toward the latter end of Autumn that the Astopian Vintagers lay Night and Day in the Field to keep the Crows and other Birds from eating the Grapes. Now it happened, that several Bakers belonging to the Provinces of Arragonian Belgium, passing early upon the Road with several Loads of new Bunns, piping hot from the Oven, toward the next great City, being thereunto urged by the loud crys of their Stomachs, very civilly desired the Arragonian Bakers to sell them a parcel of their Bunns for their Money at the Market price. But the Arragonian Bakers not only refused the Astopian Vintagers their request, but also gave them ill Language, calling them Tooth-Gapers, Sherks, Shittabeds, Slubberdegullions, Liquorish Whelps, Loggerheads, Lubbers, Smelfeasts, Milksops, Meacocks, Hoydons, Scoundrels, Lazy Rogues, and I know not what myself; Language indeed not to be endured by any Men that had any mettle in ' em. Thereupon a notable brisk Astopian, who went by the name of Sturdy Will, bearing up to the Bakers, How long, quo he, have your Horns been grown that you are become so malapert? We asked you civilly, and for you to refuse like Churls as you have, is no good Neighbourhood; nor do we use you so when you come to us to buy our good Wheat to make your Bunns. To which one Rouncival, a great Cudgel Player among the Bakers, instead of returning an Answer, gave him such a lick with his Whip over the Shins, that he made the Blood spin out of his stockings. Which the Vintagers seeing, they called the Husbandmen that were peeling of Walnuts hard by, to their assistance, and fell upon the Bakers with so much fury, that they made a horrid rout among 'em, and took from 'em above fourscore and five dozen of Bunns. Thereupon the Bakers went home, and showing their broken Panniers, cracked Crowns and torn Jerkins to the Duke of Sowreface, the Chief governor of all the Arragonian Provinces, demanded Satisfaction. Which being denied by the Vintagers of Astopia, a bloody War began between the two Kings of Astopia and Arragonia, which will never be ended till the end of the World.   

Chap. 11. How the Marshal of Tonneure was made Chief Commander of the Astopian Army, who choose the Palatine of Eboracum to be General of his Horse.  
THe King of Astopia was then a Minor, under the Tuition of the Cardinal or Arch flamen Panourgos; who being of a testy, furious, ireful, fuming temper, presently took Pepper in the Nose, and gave command to the Marshal de Tonneure, an old soldier, and an experienced Captain, to raise the Ban and Arriere Ban, that is to say, the whole Power of Astopia, and to fall into the Arragonian Provinces of Belgium, and there to spoil, burn, ravage and ransack all before him, and not to return back till he and his Men had devoured either baked, roasted, boiled, or how they would themselves, All the Men, Women and Children in the Country. Immediately the Marshal de Tonneure raised a great Army of Horse and Foot, which he divided into battle, Vanguard and Rearguard. In the battle he Commanded in Person: the Vanguard he gave to the Duke of Plundermosta. The Rearguard he committed to the care of the famous Sieur Ferno-manes, an Old Officer whose Head had been twice cut off in battle, and twice sowed on again by the great Necromancer and Surgeon Aqua Pendente. And the duke of Rocheclevere he made General of his Artillery; as being the best Engineer and Marksman in the World; for he would hit a Curran in a Cowturd forty times together and never miss, at three Miles distance in a misty morning.  
But all this while the Marshal was to seek for a fit Person to Command his Horse. He scratched his Head, eat his Nails, twitch'd his Beard, bit his Lips, but nothing would do: he could not for the blood and guts of him think of a Person fit to his Mind. Well, quo he, this is a Matter of great Importance, and therefore I'll consult with my Pillow about it. At his usual time to Bed he went, and there he lay rolling and trowling and revolving in his Mind what he should do. In the middle of the Night he strook a Light, took Pen, Ink, and Paper, and wrote down a List of all the Great Men in Astopia that he could think of to be fit for the employment; and when he had done, he put his Finger in the Inkhorn, and blotted 'em all out again. In the midst of this Perplexity, having put his Candle out again, he composed himself to rest, and so fell into a slumber. And then it was( for great Men undertaking great Enterprizes are many times admonished in Visions) then I say it was that he thought he saw a comely person mounted upon a slately Prancer, all in complete armor, and a lance in his hand, with a fair Lady behind him, ride up to his Bed side. To whom the Marshal having paid his respect, the Apparition made a short Speech, telling him, that he was St. Martin, the Warlike Saint, and that the Lady behind him, was the famed Egyptian St. Mary, who had been a Combatant too in her time: that they had both beholded from Heaven the perplexity he was in for a General of his Horse, and therefore to put him out of his trouble, they were come to recommend to him the only person under Heaven fit for his Design, which was the Palatine of Eboracum, for whose sake they would assist the Astopians with Victory, so long as the Palatine continued in their Service. At which the Marshal waking, Morbleu, quo he, that I should be such a Noddy to need a Vision from Heaven for these Directions! when I myself have had the very Person they commend so often in my thoughts. With that he got up, and wrought so effectually to the Arch flamen at Lutetia, that the Palatine o● Eboracum was immediately sent for, and after many compliments, acquainted with the Resolutions of the Queen Regent to make him General of the Astopian Horse, under the Command of the Marshal de Tonneure, desiring him withal, to put himself into an Equipage, and to hasten with all the speed he could, to his Employment.   

Chap. 12. Of the Great Pr●parations which the Palatine made, and of the Discourse betwixt him and an armorer about the Contrivance of his Arms.  
THe Palatine having this great Honour thus conferred upon him, liked the Preferment well enough, considering his condition▪ but when he began to revolve in his Mind the terrors and Dangers of War, he began with the renowned Don Quixot to exclaim against that Stygian Invention of Gun-powder, that would convey a leaden Bullet of the most despicable Rakeshame in Nature, into the Bowels of the greatest Prince in the World; and so his Majesty, or his Highness, or his Grace must be killed, and never know who hurt him. Quo the Palatine to himself, certainly Men were never created on purpose to be knocked o'the head, neither was it the intention of Nature that Men should fight and quarrel and kill one another. For I hear of no such Commandment in paradise, as, Destroy one another, but, Multiply and increase is the Command there, and that I should like well enough. 'Tis true, the Ambition of Princes is such, as that many times it sets all the world together by the Ears; but as Princes are exalted above other Men at other times, so methinks in Battels, and Bustles, and Skirmishes they should be exalted upon Steeples or Stands made on purpose with Prospective Glasses; where they might see the Mischief they had caused, but be out of danger themselves. For many times the loss of the Prince is the loss of the battle; and what does it signify for a King to be Victorious in three Battels, and be knocked o' the head in the fourth? The Proverb tells us, 'Tis good sleeping in a whole Skin: 'twas an excellent Proverb, and I believe of Solomon's own making: for I observe, that he was one that never drew a Sword, but slept in a whole Skin as long as he lived: and I have heard that my Grandfather, who was called Solomon the Second, was of his mind. For a Prince to go Stump, Stump with a wooden Leg, is no way Majestical; for a Prince to have his lower or his upper Lip pared from his Chin, and to be always showing his Teeth, is a most unseemly thing, tho' they were all Oriental Pearl or Poetical Ivory. But then for a Prince to have both his Legs, and the one half of his Thighs lopped, sawed, hacked, hewed, torn and rash'd off, and so the third part of a mans length laid up in Lavender before he has half done with them, I must needs confess, I do not very well approve of it.  
These Considerations made him shrug up his Shoulders, and he could have found in his heart to have sent his Pardonnez moy to the Arch flamen, under pretence that he had better considered it. Not that there was any danger in the World that could scar him, only he was afraid lest a little Powder and led should put a stop to his courage, and prevent him from letting the World see the Strength of his Arms, and Resolution of his Mind. Therefore he was thinking one while absolu●ely to decline the Moloch-like Service to which he was invited, as having no mind to be a Martyr to Bellona in his young years, before he had tasted the softer pleasures of the World, Bellona being no Saint in his Calendar; and believing his Mother had Interest enough to procure him a Scarlet Hat; which would be a more easy way of living; besides, that if he found his Courage meliorate hereafter, his being initiated into the Ceremonies of the Pagans would be no hind'rance to him from being a great General when he had a mind to it. But this he thought would be a degrading his reputation, and totally annihilate the High Opinion which the World had already conceived of his valour. Another while he was for absenting himself in a female Dress, and Spinning or Carding among the Lutetian Ladies; and if the worst should come to the worst, or that some cunning Ulysses should find him out, it would be no more than what Achilles the stoutest Hero in the World had done before him; and so be looked upon as a frolic, or else as a prognostic that he would become a second Achilles, whose Actions he had proposed to imitate in all things.   

Ch. 13. Of his Discourse with his page. about being invulnerable.  
IN this Quandary, the Palatine called to him his Trusty page. Epistemon. Epistemon, quo he, what dost thou think of this smothering, smoky, brimstony Hell upon Earth, as the World has now made it, War, whither I am now pressed to go? Oh Sir, replied Epistemon, 'tis the only way to try whether you are of Mortal race, or no. The ancient Stories tell ye, how that Thetys covered all her Children over head and ears in the fire to that purpose. 'Twas to very fine purpose indeed, quo the Palatine, for by that curiosity of hers, she burnt all her Children to Ashes, like a She-devil as she was. However, quo Epistemon, her Son Achilles was saved by being anointed all over with Ambrosia: 'tis true indeed they forgot to anoint one of his Lips, but which I can't tell, and that was a little singed, and proved a mortal Disfigurement to him as long as he lived. Ay but, quo the Palatine, where is that Ambrosia to be had? I would not forget to noint both my Lips, as well as the rest of my Body, I warrant thee, Boy. Morbleu, quo Epistemon, I can't tell where that Ambrosia is to be got, but I can tell ye where something like it is to be had. What think you, Sir, of that same oil which the Astopians affirm to have been sent down from Heaven, and have kept it for these eight hundred years in a large glass Viol in the City of Durocortum? Surely, Sir, it must be either Ambrosia, or something like Ambrosia, or else the Astopians would never have preserved it so long and so charily. You mean the oil with which the Astopian Kings are anointed at their Coronations. The very same Sir, quo Epistemon. Puh, quo the Palatine, that can't be the Ambrosia that Achilles was anointed with: for we find the Astopian Kings were vulnerable. Hen. the 3d. was stabbed. and Hen. the 4th. my Grandfather was stabbed. O Sir, quo Epistemon, that was because they were not anointed all over: had the Daggers lit upon those places where those Kings had been anointed, my Life for yours, the Ragamuffins might as well have entered a piece of Steel. This is sure, there is nothing but Nectar or Ambrosia in Heaven; and it can't be Nectar, for it is too greasy to drink, and therefore it must be Ambrosia. Or if this Project does not please ye, Sir, said Epistemon, what think ye of going down to Hell, as Aeneas from whom you are descended in a direct Line, did, and plunging yourself over head and ears in the Waters of Styx, as Thetys did Achilles, all but his Leg, and that proved his bane; but what a man does himself, he's sure of doing to the purpose. But then the Palatine was afraid lest Cerberus should bite him by the Shins, and if the Sore should gangrene, that he should never be able to get back again. Under these Anxieties of Mind,   

Chap. 14. Now com●s his Conference with Vulcan the armorer.  
FRiend, Epistemon, quo the Palatine, I have heard, that if a man comes into the world in his Mothers Smicket, he shall be the most fortunate man in the world. I cannot tell whether I were so or no. But I should be loth to trust to that. For I can tell by experience that Womens linen is seldom proof against slighter Batteries than those of a Cannon Bullet. And therefore fetch me hither Vulcan the armor maker; they say he is a famous Fellow, and rare in his Art. For I would fain fight as safely as I can; that's but common Prudence; and Nature teaches every man to defend himself. Epistemon flew, and Vulcan came in a Trice: To whom the Palatine, Is your Name Vulcan, Friend? My name Sir, is Vulcan, and I make Suits of Arms for Gentlemen that want them; that is to say, I am an Armour-Taylor by Trade. Where do you live? quo the Palatine. Here in Lutetia, replied the Armour-Taylor. Then you are not that Vulcan I mean, quo the Palatine: I mean that Vulcan that kept Shop at Aetna in sicily, whose Journeymen were called Cyclops's, they that made Pluto a Helmet, and gave it him for nothing; the virtue of which was so rare, that where e're he put it on, he became invisible; Can you make me such a one? I will not undertake it, Sir; for that Trade, like Painting in Glass, is quiter lost now: that Vulcan, of whom you spoken last, never left his Receipt behind him. What can you do then? Can you make me such a suit of armor as your Namesake made Achilles, that no human force could penetrate, full Cannon proof? ' Slife Sir, how can I do that, when a Cannon Bullet will make its way through the sides of a First Rate Ship three foot thick, all massy Oak? Then you can do nothing: Alas Sir, these Cannon Bullets have quiter spoiled our Trade: for what signifies it for men to buy Suits of armor, when they signify nothing? Formerly when men shot nothing but Darts and Arrows, or sharp Stakes hardened at one end in the Fire, we could make a shift to deal with 'em well enough. I wish the Devil were to eat all the Cannon Bullets that ever were or ever will be, read hot for his Supper this very Night, and then our Trade would mend. Is there no way then to fend off these Cannon Bullets? quo the Palatine: they make my heart shiver every time I think of ' em. No way but one, quo Vulcan; a good thick long Bush of Hair for the Head, Sampson's Strength lay in in his Hair; nay, the whole Strength of the City Megarae lay in King Nysus's purple Lock, and what's a Cannon Bullet to the whole Strength of a City? And we find that Garagantua, after a great battle, combed out no less than fifty Cannon Bullets out of his Hair; which he could never have done, had not the thickness of his Bush natural dammed 'em, and kept 'em from going farther. But what shall we do for the rest of the Body? quo the Palatine. That must be done, quo the armorer, by means of a Round Wall, about four foot thick, made of a certain Parget mixed and tempered with Eggs, like the Walls of Cov●ntria in Albion, which may be so contrived, as to be gird on like a Campaign Coat. Who the Devil shall be able to carry it, quo the Palatine? Why Sir, quo the armorer, there are s●veral both here in Lut●tia, and in other places, that can wear a ston Doublet for a Twelvemonth or two years together, and make nothing of it. You must exercise, an't please your Highness, as Milo did by his Calf, first carry a little Wall, then a small Wall, then a bigger Wall, till you come to be able to carry the Wall of ●●rfection. Hang all your Walls, quo the page., my Master shall carry no Walls: I have lit upon the true way at length. Sir, said he, you have three Pagan Deities at Command, St. Loyola, St. Dominick, and St. Francis, there's not a straw to choose. Ply any one of these, and they will as surely sand you a Life Guard of four Arch Angels, as ever St. Francis passed the Danaw in his cowl. These Arch Angels will guard ye, one before, another behind, and one of each side, and when they see a Cannon Bullet coming toward ye from any corner of the Wind, will catch it like a Stool Ball, and throw it to the Devil. Courage, Master, allons, in nomine Sanctae Mariae.  
The Palatine liked this Project very well: However for more surety, he was resolved that Vulcan should make him a suit of armor to boot. Which the armorer promised to do, of Enchanted Tiffany steeped in the Blood of the Minotaur which Theseus killed; of which the armorer said, he had above a Gallon left.  
This tickled the Palatine more than any thing had been yet said; so that he bid the armorer go on and prosper.   

Chap. 15. How a certain Doctor came to the Palatine and prescribed him a Diet to increase his Courage.  
HOw the Devil the Palatine came to know it, there is no author that makes mention, but it seems it did come to his knowledge, how that Hercules received the greatest part of his Education from a physician. This brought to his mind, that Herbs and Flowers had many hidden Qualities and Operations upon the Body and Humours of Men: Some increased the blood, and some increased choler; and how that Circe and Medea made use of Herbs and Flowers, the Moss of dead Mens Skulls, the Brains of Bats, and Livers of Porcupines, and such like Ingredients in all their charms and enchantments: how the one boiled her Father to a young man, and the other turned men into Swine: Upon these considerations, the Palatine sending for several Physicians, asked them whether the nature of man might not be altered by Diet: and whether there were not some sorts of Diet more proper for a soldier than others. This was a Question he might have put to half the college of Physicians, and have been as wise as he was before, had it not been for one man that knew more than all the Rest. Who hearing the Question propounded stayed till all the rest of the Doctors were gone; and then addressing himself to the Palatine, Sir, said He, I have heard your Question, and understand what you mean. And therefore do but observe my directions, and if you be not one of the most valiant men in the World, never trust me more. To which the Palatine consenting, the Physician ordered him for his first course to feed upon nothing but the plucks or Entrails of lions, and the Marrow of Wolves, Bears and Tygres: and for his second course to eat nothing but game Cocks, and the Brains of Quails and Magpies,( being a bide particularly consecrated to Mars) for a Month or six weeks together, & then to make him a Coat of a Tan'd Elephants Skin, lined through with the bags of ten Ostridges Stomacks, and overlaid with the scales of a spit fire Dragon. For that the Ostridges Stomacks being of a steely substance concocted by the natural heat of those birds, acquired a thickness no less impenetrable, than the Dragons scales continually hardened in the Sun. Probatum est, Sir, quo the Doctor. Do but use this method once a year, and you may defy Jupiter with all his Thunder bolts. By my Troth, Dr. quo the Palatine, I wish you had come a little sooner, and you might have spared me the expense of a svit of armor, which I have newly bespoke. But 'tis no matter, a man can't be too cautious of himself.   

Chap. 16. Of the wonderful achievements which the Palatine performed in his Command of General of the Horse.  
WIthal these preliminary Cautions the Palatine thus Fed, thus Dieted and armed from Head to Foot, repaired to the Astopian Army; where he was highly caressed by the Marshal de Tonneure, and presently invested in the Command of Lieutenant General of the Astopian Army, and General of the Horse. But Heavens! to repeat the wonderful achievements which the Palatine performed, would fill a Cartload of Paper. Francisco Viridico, the Historian of those times avers them to have so far transcended human Imagination, that he is very shy of relating them, for fear of being accounted Homo Mendax; a Character which he abominated above all things in the World. He says that in one battle the Palatine mowed down with his own hands three whole Regiments at once: but withal he acknowledges that the Palatine had this ill fortune attending him at the same time, that the Men were no sooner killed but they started up alive again, and put him to new trouble; so that after he had sweat, and toild, and moil'd, and laid about him like another samson, the Victory was never the nearer. Which the Marshal de Tonneure beholding, these are brave Acts indeed, quo he, but at this rate we shall never carry away the Golden Fleece. ' Slife, quo the Palatine to the Marshal, what would you have me to do, Sir? I killed 'em thrice, and they would not die. I agree with ye, Noble Palatine quo the Marshal; therefore let's retreat for the present, and kill 'em again when they are in a better humour.  
Another time, says the same Historian, the Marshal was to march with his Army by a great Castle that stood in the middle of a wide Lake: but finding he could not pass by, without being cruelly galled by the great Guns from the Fort, he signified his desire to have it taken in. Which when none of his Great Commanders beside would undertake, the Palatine readily undertook. To which purpose, he choose out a Regiment of Dragoons, and shoeing all the Horses with Cork, he road full speed up to the Castle Walls. But when he came there, he called to mind that the Souldiers had left their scaling Ladders behind them: and so he was fain to gallop back again, not without some loss. This was a brave attempt you'l say; and if the Palatine failed in the enterprise, it was not for want of Valour, but for want of scaling Ladders.  
But the Marshal de Tonneure attributed all these Miscarriages to Fortune, who was always an Enemy to virtue. However he gave the Palatine high Encomiums. Insomuch that falling dangerously sick toward the latter end of the Campaign, and believing he should die, he sent word to the flamen Panourgus, that if he intended that the Affairs of Astopia should prosper, he should make choice of the Noble, Valorous and Fortunate Palatine of Eboracum to succeed him.   

Chap. 17. How the Palatine was Complemented out of Astopia, and of something else beside.  
BUt notwithstanding all these great achievements and vast Pieces of Service, performed by the Palatine; and many more that lye concealed from the Knowledge of Mankind to this very day, for want of an Impartial Historian; notwithstanding the signal Testimonials of the Grand Marshal de Tonneure, the Astopians took no more notice of what he had done, than if he had done nothing at all. Some say, that famed had taken a Mortal peek against the Palatine, and lay at Fortune night and day to stop the Progress of his growing renown. She alleged that all the last Summer, she had been so hurried from Post to Pillar to spread the Glory of his heroic Actions, that she was quiter tired off her Legs; and that the Pinions of her wings were so sore, that she was hardly able to wag 'em: So that if any other great Captain should have occasion for her, she knew not how to order her sprats. And therefore besought famed to put a stop to the Career of the Palatines Valour for a time till she had strengthened her wings with a plaster of Oxycroceum and Paracelsus which she had laid on for that purpose. Now in regard that famed and Fortune piss both in a quill, Fortune, to do her Minion famed a kindness, goes to the flamen Panourgus, and to lessen the Palatines Reputation, tells him there was no such thing as the Palatines mowing down three Regiments at a time. and that the Adventure of the Castle in the Lake was a mere story. 'Tis a question whether Panourgus would have believed it, or no,( for the News went for currant coin, and was printed and confirmed by all the Lutetian Ga●ets) had it not been for an Exigent of State which Fortune imposed upon the flamen. For ●he Astopians finding that the Arragonian Belgians were too hard for 'em, sent away their ambassadors to Oliverero sultan of Albion, with four hundred Camels loaden with money to purchase his friendship and Assistance. The sultan took their Money, but  told the flamen withal that unless he sent away the Palatine, and all that adhered to him out of Astopia, he would keep the Money, and do nothing for it! Heavens Sir! quo the ambassadors, as if such a trifle as that could break any squares between Panourgus and the sultan of Albion. What is the Palatine of Eboracum to us? If he have done any thing for Us, which is more than we know, the Elamin does not intend to run a way in his Debt. Bougre Diable, let him go; we hope we have in Astopia five hundred as good as He. The Business being thus concluded, Panourgus who had his Brains well boiled, had a flay presently ready to put in his Ear, and sent him without delay a Nosegay of compliments, to let him understand the reason of the Message: the Cogency of Affairs that constrained him to it; and the unexpressible sorrow of all the Astopian Court; but that the Condition of the Kingdom was such, that it was not in their Power to help it; with many other Goodly Good morrows of the same nature. Of all which proceedings the Palatine had perfect Intelligence, and was so little concerned to see himself so rejected and despised, that instead of taking it for an Affront, and seeking his Revenge, he afterwards loved, the Astopian King so much the better for it, that he could never be drawn from Espousing his Interest. Nothing vexed him so much, as that he must be forced to leave unaccomplish'd a Love-Intreague with an Astopian Lady, to which he had been invited by a Lutetian Procuress; for Lutetia was a City where you might as well take the Moon by the Teeth, as separate Mars and Venus.   

Chap. 18. Of one of the strangest things that ever happened.  
IT is a common thing, as all men know, for Ladies to fall in love with great Hero's, tho' they never saw them in their Lives; the great and famous achievements of the Valiant Palatine having the same operation upon their Affections, as their majestic Behaviours and goodly Lineaments had upon his Eyes: For Cupid's Darts do not always enter in at the Eyes, but sometimes pierce through the Ears, as being the shorter cut to the heart. Who this Lady was, whether duchess, or Marchioness, or Viscountess, or plain my Lady, without Welt or Guard, the Historian does not make mention. But by the sequel, it appeared that she had neither seen nor spoken with the Palatine in her life; only she was in love with him up to the Ears for the sake of his spreading glory: and heavily tormented to hear that he was so suddenly to leave Astopia.  
One day as the Palatine was sitting alone, and reflecting among other things upon the Ingratitude of the Astopians, a Letter was brought him with this Superscription:  To the most Passionately beloved by all fair Ladies, had he had wit to understand it. T. T. J. S. S. E. A. A. 
When the Palatine red this Superscription, never was Bell-Founder in such an amaze when his Metal miscarries. He pondered, considered, and studied, but could not imagine from whence it should come: He asked the Messenger who sent it; but he knew nothing of the matter. But when he opened the Letter, then he was in a double confusion; for there was no more Writing to be seen within side than upon the back of his hand, only a Table Diamond, enchased in a plain Gold Ring. virtue goy, quo the Palatine to himself, a visible Ring from an invisible Lady! Then making another pause; but hold— said he, what if it should be a present from Gyges? With that he put on the Ring, and went to the Looking-Glass, but finding that he could see himself, he called for his Secretary. Polysthenes, said he, here's a Ring sent me in a Paper sealed up without any Writing: and with that he shew'd him the Ring and the blank Letter. Sir, quo Polysthenes, this Ring could never come without Words; but there are many ways to writ upon Paper, yet so as the Writing shall never be seen. Thereupon he held the Paper to the fire, to see if it were writ with Sal Armoniac mixed and dissolved in water. Then he dipped it in fair water, to find whether it were writ with Juice of Tithymall. Then he held it to the Candle, to see whether it were done with the Juice of white onions. After that, he rubbed it over with oil of Walnuts, to find whether it were writ with a Lixivium of Figtree Ashes. Then he washed it over with the Milk of a Woman at that time suckling her first Child, to know whether it were writ with read Toads blood. Then he rubbed it with the ashes of a Swallows Nest, to find whether it was written with the due that ●alls upon your winter Cherries. But when he had tried these and several other ways, and found that it was nothing but a mere dumb piece of Paper, Sir, said he, by the virtue of St. Francis, I know not what to say to't. I have employed all my Art, and can find nothing. With that looking very narrowly upon the Ring itself, they found engraved within side, I Bleed. Now the Devil take the flamen and the sultan of Albion both together, quo the Palatine. Here's a Lady lies a bleeding for me; and I know I have a Balsam would cure her: what shall I do in this case? who it is, I know not; go I cannot; stay I must not. Thus agitated and perplexed in mind, he laid himself down upon his Couch, and fell asleep.   

Chap. 19. How the Palatine was entertained by the governor of Belgic Arragonia; and how he vowed to be revenged upon the Astopians.  
THe Palatine being thus sent packing out of Astopia retired to the Satrape of belgic Arragonia, who received him as the Persian King Artaxerxes did Themistocles, and allowed him the Revenue of several Provinces for the maintenance of him and his Retinue: one Province to find him Butcher's Meat, another Fowl of all sorts; a third to furnish him with Wine, and a fourth to supply him with white Bread and Grand Salads. One time as the Palatine and the Satrape were discoursing together, the Palatine fell into a most horrible rage against the Astopians; you would have sworn it had been the conqueror of India in his Cups. He gave 'em all the reproachful Names that his fury could invent; and vowed never to wash his hands but in Astopian Blood; and every Morning to have the Harslet of an Astopian roasted and stuffed with Sage for his Breakfast. Which being related to the Astopians, they trembled for fear like the Pillars of a Cathedral. And the same threats and Menaces of the Palatine being carried to the Marshal de Tonneure, notwithstanding all his former Encomiums, Oh!— quo he, the Palatine's a young Prince; give him leave to huff and ding for his living; words break no Bones: when all's done, 'tis the Coach-wheel, not the Fly that raises the Dust.  
On the other side, the Palatine, to show that he meant as he said, set great Traps upon the Borders of Astopia, which he baited with alamode Gallimawfries; by which means he caught several of the Astopians, and then caused 'em to be minced as small as Herbs to the Pot, made Marrow Puddings of the inside of their Bones, and pies of the Meat mixed with Currants and Raisins after the manner of Albion. Which the Astopians observing, privately laid great heaps of Gunpowder under the Traps, and when the Belgians came early in the Morning to see for their Prey, set fire to their Trains and blew up Traps, Trap-setters and all. Which so incensed the Palatine, and caused such an overflowing of his Choler, that he fell into such a violent looseness through the sharpness of the humour, that his Duodenum was become almost as slender as a Base Lutestring; and he had certainly paid dear for his Traps, had not a notable Artist stopped the Orifice of his Intestines with the end of a huge Elephants Tooth.   

Chap. 20. Of the Great War between the Astopians and the Belgic-Arragonians; where you may probably hear of something which the Palatine did to his Eternal Memory.  
THe War was now grown very hot between the Belgic-Arragonians, and the Astopians, to whose aid the sultan of Albion had sent a very great Host, under the Command of the Caledonian Knight. To be short, the Astopians swore they would have the Strong City of Dunquerka from the Arragonians; and the Arragonians swore they should not. To this purpose, the Astopians beleaguered the Place, and the Arragonians hastened to relieve it, and the Palatine had a Battalion of Horse. And now the two Armies were got very near together. For the Astopians went to meet the Enemy, and the Enemy came to meet them: and indeed the Arragonians had such a Confidence in the Valour and Conduct of the Palatine, that they cared not a fig for the Astopians.  
Now as the Arragonians lay within less than two Mile of the Enemies, it happened that the Boys in the next Village to the Arragonian Camp, had made them a great Paper Kite, and in the dark of the Night had mounted it aloft in the Air with a lantern and Candle fastn'd to it. When the Palatine spied it, by St. Martha's Petticoat, quo he, St. George for England with a lantern and Candle in his hand.— the Heavens smile upon us, and the Victory's ours, as sure as a Louse in a Taylor's Bosom. Hold— quo the Palatine, I rather believe it to be some Soul let out of Purgatory, and going directly to paradise; only stops by the way to piss down Benedictions upon the Army. But let it be what it will, my heart's a pound lighter to see it.  
The next Morning the ordering the Army was committed wholly to the Palatine's care: for they say the Arragonians were so bewitched as to think him the most experienced Captain in the World: and all agree, that had it not been for certain ifs and butts that opposed his good Fortune, he had certainly won the Victory: For just as he was going to Charge the Enemy, his Horse cast a show, so that he was forced to Wheel off to the next Farrier to get his Prancer new shod, and his Battalion was forced to follow for the Guard of his Person, and so there was one opportunity lost. However, no sooner had he got his Horse shod, but away he came powdering back, Lightning in his Eyes, Thunder in his Hand▪ and had certainly cut in pieces two whole Squadrons of the Albionian Infantry, had not a Fellow more daring than all the rest, stepped out of his Rank, and given him such a terrible flap with a Fox tail that he beat him off his Horse. The Arragonians seeing their Leader fall, presently recoyl'd, and the Albionians pressing on, took the Palatine Captive. But then it was, that St. Dominic stood his Friend; for immediately he darted himself from the Empyrean Heaven, and changed the Palatine into a Conger Eel, and so he slipped out of his Enemies hands. At what time perceiving the battle to be lost, all he could do, was to put himself in the Rear, where he so bestirred his stumps, that he stopped the pursuit of the Victors. Tho others say, that he was more beholding to his Policy than Strength; for seeing the battle lost, and all his Men in a rout and flying, he ordered 'em still as they fled to keep fizling and farting for their Lives; which it was the more easy for them to do, considering the fear they were in; & by that means there was such a thick stinking Fog for ten Miles round, that the Astopians and Albionians, not being able to see Wood for Trees, let 'em go. Others will have it, that when he saw the battle begin to totter, he sent for Adrians Wall from the Borders of Caledonia▪ and clapped it between the Victors and the vanquished, to the great disappointment of the Pursuers. For in regard that it is by all agreed that the Palatine performed wonders at this battle, they must be such wonders as these, or none at all; for the Devil a bit can we hear of any other that he did: and to say he did none, would be a contradiction to History.   

Chap. 21. How the Palatine was restored to his Palatinate in Albion, and how he road Tantivy to Papimania.  
SOon after this, the sultan of Albion died, and the Thirty Tyrants resumed their former Authority, and choose for their General the Knight of the Golden Tulip: but the Albionians being quiter tired with the Cruelties and Oppressions of the Thirty Tyrants, resolved to recall and restore to his Right the Son of the King of Albion, whom the sultan had put to Death, at that time an Exile in the Dominions of the Arragonians. We shall not trouble the Reader with the Ceremonies and Circumstances of his Restoration, it will be enough for our purpose to let ye know that at the same time, the Palatine was also restored to his Palatinate of Eboracum, and all the Titles and Dignities thereunto belonging. And now calling to mind certain Negotiations with the Mufti of Papimania, the Chief City of Pagan-land, he bought him a flying Horse of the same breed, and lineally descended from that upon which Perseus road over the Sea, to deliver Andromeda, and away he galloped tantivy a thousand Miles an hour, till he came to the Muftie's Palace, where he lay incognito fourscore and nineteen years, and every Morning drank such large Mornings Draughts of the Brewage of the Country, and was so intoxicated with the strength of the liquour which was the next degree to Poison, that he never was in his right Senses afterwards, but was troubled with a Papimanie-Delirium, which brought him at length to one of the most desperate Convulsions that ever were known. Returning from Papimanie, he called upon the King of Astopia, still incognito as before, with whom he made a League of perpetual Friendship, like those of Theseus and Pirythous, vowing never to forsake one another, tho' it were to go down to the Regions of King Pluto together. There he also took a solemn Oath upon the Sacred Altar of the Pagan Deity called Omnium Sanctorum, like Hannibal against the Romans, to Extirpate all the Christians from the face of the Earth; and particularly to destroy the Belgians, to annihilate the Grand Senate of Albion, and to reduce the whole Kingdom under the Tyrannical Government of Astopia. This done, he return'd back into Albion, where he lived underground for some years in a Palace belonging to the Grand Duke of Hades, till the Mufti sent two Messengers for him, Sea-Fight and Slaughter, and fetched him out by the Head and Ears.   

Chap. 22. Of the great Herring War between the Belgians and the Albionians, and how the Palatine was made Archithalassus of Albion.  
THo' the Palatine lived underground, as we said before, yet he did not live idle; for thither resorted privately to him all the State Moles, Incendiaries, Boutefeu's, Underminers of Government, Spies, Eevedroppers, Cajoulers of Princes, all Emissaries belonging to the Muftie of Papimania, and all or the greatest part of the Order of Loyola, one of the greatest and most bigoted Pagans in the World.  
With these, the Palatine Day and Night, Weekly, Monthly, Yearly, had his private Cabals and secret Consultation in his Palace underground, for they durst not appear in public, for fear of the Laws of Albion, which were very strict and severe against them; so that if any of them were caught they were presently hanged up without Mercy. However they were the Palatines only Croneys, and by their means he held a faithful and continual Correspondence with the Muftie of Papimania, and the King of Astopia in order to destroy the Christians. And to prevent their being discovered, the Muftie and the King of Astopia sent the Palatine fifteen hundred thousand tons of Aurum Potabile, to lull all those Christians asleep that had any Eye upon their Actions. They had also among them an enchanted Mercuries Wand, made of pure Gold, with which if they did but touch the Forehead of a Christian, he fell into a profound Caros, and never waked again. And thus the Muftie, the King of Astopia, and the Palatine, were a combined Triumvirate to grinned all the Christians to Powder, as the chief Captain of the Hebrews did the Golden Calf, and to strew the dust of their powdered carcases in the wind.  
In order to this Design, it was concluded in the first place to destroy the Belgians. For at that time the Christians of Belgium, and the Christians of Albion were in League together, & the Pagan Triumvirs thought it impossible to accomplish their Ends, unless they could divide the two most Potent States in the World of all the Christian Nations. So they made Herrings the Ground of the Quarrel thus.  
It is well known to all the World, that the Pagans of Papimania are great Devourers of Herrings, and at one time of the year they feed only upon Herrings, as the Ancient Gods fed upon Ambrosia. Now in regard the King of Albion had a prodigiously vast Herring Pond in the North Seas, which no body else had, so that he could supply all those vast Regions, possessed by the Pagans, with Herrings. Which was the reason that the King of Albion's Herring Revenue, had it been well managed, was looked upon to be of greater value than all the Golden Mines of Peru in America, belonging to the King of the Arragonians, there being never a Herring in this Herring Pond, but what, as soon as it is caught, turns immediately into Gold. So that if the Hesperian Orchard deserved an always waking Argos for the Guard of half a score Golden Pippin Trees, the King of Albion ought to have had a Million of Argos's to watch this Herring-Pond.  
But the King of Albion not being so careful of his Herring-Pond as he should have been, the Belgians attracted by the great noise of the Gain which was made by this golden Fish, invaded the King of Albion's Herring-Pond, saying, that the King of Albion had no more right to the Herring-Pond than they, since the wide Sea was common to all, there being no Land-Marks, Mounds, Fences nor Hedges to distinguish Propriety upon the Ocean: and thus in a short time the Belgians made more Profit of the King of Albion's Herring-Pond than he did himself.  
' Slife, quo the Palatine, there's ne're a Belgian in the World shall fish in our Herring-Pond; and with that he left his underground Palace, and removed to the forest of sand Jacomo; moreover, he took up Lodgings in Alba Regalis itself, where the King kept his Court; where he lay day and night at the K. of Albion, to incense him against the Belgians. Sir, quo he, the Belgians rob your Herring-Pond: can you sit still and suffer such an Affront? How shall I help it? quo the King. Beat 'em, quo the Palatine. 'Tis soon said, quo the King. With that in a great Rage, quo the Palatine, say but the word, and I'll do the work with two or three Oyster-Boats. Is not all the Sea yours that surrounds your Dominions? Nay, does not your chief Justiciary's Warrant reach as far as a man may ken Land, and shall your Power be confined? The King of Albion being thus incensed, sent to the Belgians to forbear fishing his Herring-Pond: but the Belgians swore Sacrament, They would not forbear; and so the Quarrel began.   

Chap. 23. Of the Great Preparations which the Palatine made to fight the Belgians.  
THe War being thus agreed upon, the King of Albion made the Palatine his Archithalassus; and to him committed the whole Care and Management of this Bloody Contest. And that he might not sand the Palatine upon a First day of April Errand, he rigged out a Stupendious Fleet, much bigger than Agamemnon's when he sailed against Troy, tho' it cost Homer half the Second Book of his Iliads to give a List of the Ships and Commanders. The Fleet with which Xerxes covered the Asiatic Ocean was not to compare with it. Nay, if I should say that the terror of the Waves which broken the Turcomans at Lepanto, was but a Fleet of Mackarel Boats to it, I should say nothing but the Truth.  
But when the Palatine went aboard, and heard the great Guns Roar and Bark like so many Cerberus's, he called to see the Bullets which those massy brazen spit-fires carried. After he had felt the weight of three or four of the biggest, in a most vehement and terrible rage, quo he, Celestial foresight was too short, to make the ribs of man so weak, knowing the time would come when these unsanctifi'd Bullets would be in use. But considering that thô a man had but weak ribs, yet he had a strong Brain, he began to think whether a man's brains might not be cunning enough to save his ribs. He remembered how he had secured his bones at land, but he found it would be a much harder task to secure 'em at Sea. What, said he to some of the chiefest of his Tritons, what if we should build a fortification about the Ship as high as the main Mast Top all of Wool Packs, such as the Bridge of Troynovant stood upon, or else all great bags of down Feathers as they came out of Russia? The Tritons  told him that truly his Invention was very good, only that such a Fortification would keep the Wind from the sails and hinder the working of the Vessel. Then do you think of a better, quo the Palatine. Upon that, they  told him of a more usual way, which was to coil a great Anchor cable as big as his middle four or five times about, leaving room enough for his person and a Velvet Chair to sit down in. The Palatine desired to see such a thing, which was immediately got ready and in he went. This is pretty well, quo He, and I think pretty secure to keep a Bullet from entering: but to provide against the worst, for the best will help itself; suppose a great shot as big as a Bufola's head should come and give the coil a gentle remove to the other side of the Ship, and so carry Coil, Archithalassus and all into the middle of the Sea, who the Devil shall take me up again? Nay suppose that haply you should be craning me up again, and another bullet should come and break the rope of the Pully, down drops Heir apparent again, and must inevitably be drowned before you can get another Pully ready. The best way I find is to keep out of harms way, or if the Ship do come accidentally into danger, then to shift out of that Ship into another, and so into a second, third or fourth as there shall be occasion. Now what convenience is there for that? quo the Palatine. That, they  told him, was easily done by means of the Long-boat. Ventre goy, quo the Palatine, if I can't trust my person i' the Ship, i'll ne're trust it in the Long-boat. No, quo he again, it must be something swifter in motion than a Long-boat. I would have an Engine, like Pacolets horse, to turn with a Pin, that I might fly like a bide from Ship to Ship. Or else such an Eagle as Ganimeds would do my business, if I could but get one as big and as tame as that. At length, after many debates and projects proposed, it was by the Tritons concluded that he should have a place provided for him in the hole, where it would be only the trouble of Messengers to run up and down to receive his Orders. That's the last shift upon board and board quo the Palatine; i'll even try the Coil first, and keep as much out of the way as I can. And then, that they might not want directions, he  told them he would give them his orders from time to time, in time of Fight, by the motions of his Pendants and Streamers, and set down the signification of every motion in writing of which he would give every Triton a Copy: or else deliver them himself by word of Mouth by means of a speaking Trumpet. Thereupon a large Coil was provided with all speed; and that all the care and caution might be taken that could be, it was washed within side with holy water, and lined without side with Wafers consecrated after the Pagan manner, for quo they, no Bullet surely will be so profane to touch the Pagan Eucharistia.   

Chap. 24. Of the desperate engagement between the Belgians and the Albionians, and of the undaunted courage of the Palatine.  
THe next morning the Palatine called for his trusty page. Epistemon; to whom, Epistemon, quo he, didst thou ever red or know i' thy Life of an Heir apparent to three Kingdoms that went about to venture his Life as I do? Never that I can remember, Sir, quo Epistemon; What then will future Ages think of me? quo the Palatine. They will certainly extol your undaunted courage to the skies, quo Epistemon, and look upon ye as one that valued neither three Kingdoms nor your Life any more than a Penn'orth of Damsons, when your Honour lay at stake. But perhaps they may blame ye for being too daring and venturous. Why truly, quo the Palatine, I do not believe, that Hercules would have been half so famous as he was, had our way of Sea fighting been then in use: Nor can I find he was ever in Expectation of three Kingdoms; a pitiful Ostler as he was, that cleansed the Augean stable for three pence a day; and never had a svit of cloa●hs to his back, but only a Lyon's skin: What would his Club have signified against a Cannon bullet? nor do I believe that Achilles would have stood still in a place, to have been knocked o' the head without being able to help himself: for there's some satisfaction in Thwick for Thwack; and a man that fights with a man fights with flesh and bones like himself: but a man is not made of mud walls to resist Cannon Bullets: and therefore he that can stand upon a Quarter deck, and bid a Cannon Bullet kiss his back-side, must certainly be much a more valiant man than ever any of the Ancient Hero's: and that thou shalt see me do to morrow. What thô I may perhaps be out of his reach? He that bid the Archon of Londinum kiss his tail, when he was upon the Mountains of Alta Porta, had as good a heart, as he that spoken the words to the Archon's face. There is one thing however, for which I blame our Pagan Deities, that they never take any care of late of such Hero's as I am; whereas Jupiter sent a Dream booted and spurred to Agamemnon just before he went aboard the graecian Navy, to give him a What chearho? and to encourage him to go on and fear nothing. This was some comfort to a man. But the Devil a bit will any of our Pagan Semigods come near me; although I'll warrant ye, I have a hundred Ora pro nobis's saying for me at this time. But courage, Epistemon, our cause is good, and Herrings is the word: Our Seas guard us; and we must guard our Seas, that's but fair, Tit for Tat, and let all the Bullets in the Belgian Fleet, kiss where I sate on Sunday.   

Chap. 25. Being a Continuation of things impossible to be left out.  
THis said the Palatine ordered a Gun to be fired, to summon the chiefest of the Tritons aboard. To whom, most noble Tritons, quo he, I hearty thank ye for the Coil which you have provided for me; I have been in it, and find it very comfortable, and I believe 'twill prove pretty secure. 'Twere a rare convenience for a General by Land; for then I could set it upon a Camels back, and ride about from Right wing to left wing as safe as a Thief in a Mill. Not but that my courage scorns such a pitiful evasion of death; but as Caesar in a storm cheered up the skipper by telling him he carried caesar and his Fortune, so noble Tritons, the Ship that carries me, carries the Fortune of Albion. For if I am lost, there's an end of a whole Royal Descent. Which I may live to restore, if I can but scape these Roundheaded fiery Messengers of Death. I have heard how Industrious the Heathens were to preserve the Fortune of their Dominions. Which made the Trojans so chary of their Palladium, and the Romans of their Ancilia. Nysus had a purple lock upon which depended the Fortune of Megarae; what did his Daughter do, but one night, like a Harlot as she was, she snipped off this purple lock as her Father lay asleep, and so the City was lost. I do not speak this, noble Tritons, that I fear Death; I value not my Life no more than I do a Cherrystone. For if you think it will be for the Glory and Welfare of Albion, do you all lye by, and I protest and vow you shall see me with this only single Ship fight the whole Navy of the Belgians. But do you on the other side consider, whether it will not be more for the general good, that the Fortune of Albion should be safe and keep out of harm's way.  
Look ye, noble Triton's, when you see a yellow Streamer upon the main Top Mast head, bear to the Larboard: when you see a Sea-green Streamer, bear to the Starboard. When you see a flamme colour Pendant, rak 'em fore and aft; if the Pendant be fueillemote 'tis a sign of danger, then look to the Fortune of Albion; if you see a blew Streamer, lay 'em aboard; if you see a black Streamer, sand in your Fire-Ships; if you see a blood read Streamer, 'tis a sign I am very angry; there's something amiss see what it is, and mend it. And when you see a green Streamer, drink brandy and refresh yourselves. If a Triton happen to be desperately wounded, or killed give me notice by ringing the watch bell, and I'll pray for his Soul. And so, noble Tritons, every one to his command; stand to your Panpudding, let's not los● our Herring Pond for a broken shin or two: and when the battle's won, take you the blows and I'll have the Honour, and so we'll share the business between us.   

Chap. 26. Of the most terrible Engagement that ever was upon the face of the Sea, and how valorously the Palatine behaved himself.  
THe Tritons being thus encouraged, and furnished with Orders and Instructions, made all the sail they could to find out the Belgians. Nor was it long before they got sight of their whole Fleet, and no sooner had they discovered 'em, but the Albionians gave such a shout as made the people in the Moon run out of their Houses to see what was the matter. And this was so well seconded by the Roaring and thundering of the great Guns, that the Sun himself was in a Quandary whether he should go backward or forward. Nor was it less dismal to the Eye, to see all the four Principal Materials of the World in a Huddle together; the Ships resembling the Earth, the Guns Vomiting Fire, the Air condensed into smoke, the Water under ye and the Wind i' your Tail.  
In this Confusion of the four Elements, the Palatine, thô not till ten Satrapes at least, and the chief Triton of the Ship upon their knees besought him to take care of the Fortune of Albion, slip't into his Coil, where he sate like a Jack Hare in his form, ever and anon waving his Scimitar, and crying, What cheer ho? do we take, or are we taken? No, Sir, quo the Seamen, but we fire like Devils. Well done, well done, quo the Palatine, what Ships are near us? They Sail, quo the Seamen, upon your Starboard and Larboard like a Wall on both sides. Among 'em then, quo the Palatine, and with that starting up upon his Legs, & spying a Belgian Vessel lying like a great Whale in the Sea, without Masts or Rigging, give way, quo the Palatine, & let me sand that Skellum to Perdition, and then ordering a Broadside to be poured into the almost deserted carcase of a Ship, completed her ruin, and sent her to the Bottom of the Sea. Upon that the Seamen set up a Huzzah, as if the whole Belgian Fleet had been upon the Run with all the Sail they could make. Did not I tell ye, quo the Palatine, his Eyes flaming like two holes of a Glass house Furnace, did I not tell ye what work I'd make if once I came among ' em? Are there any more battered Belgians for me to finish their Destruction? The words were no sooner out of his Mouth, but by the Devils direction, came a light Horseman of a damned Thirty-Pounder, and took off the Head, Shoulders and Arms of three Albionian Satrapes, so near the Palatine, that the Fist of one of the Arms gave him a sound box o'the Ear, and the Brains of another beat out one of his Teeth, What Son of a Mungrel's that? quo the Palatine, the Dog has turned my Stomach; but after he had puk'd a little, Ajax was never in such a fury, when he murdered the Sheep; he bluster'd like the Northern Boreas, swelled like an incensed Louse in a Microscope, fumed like a Tinker in his Ale, and vowed revenge upon the Belgians to the third and fourth Generation, till at last having quiter spent himself, and finding that both Fleets having their Bellies full, had cried King's Truce, to take a little breath, he retired to his Cabin to fetch a Nap.   

Chap. 27. Being a Continuation of the Bloody Engagement.  
THe smoke was pretty well vanished, and the Sun that had been wandring in the Sky, like a benighted Traveller, for four hours together, muffled up in Egyptian darkness began to see where he was, and the Infernal Carpenters had very near repaired the Foundations of the Sea, which had been terribly shaken by the violence of the Gunpowder, and the loud bellowing of the Cannon, when of a sudden, the Belgians, having refreshed their Spirits, and rewarm'd their Courages with large Cordials of Brandy, and thinking to catch the Albionians as Moss caught his mere, came spooning before the Wind, and bare directly with a brisk Gale upon the Albionian Fleet; but the Albionians being no less ready to receive them, in a moment there was the Devil upon Dun again. The great battle between the giants and the Gods, when Monstrous Mortals battered the resounding spheres with whole Mountains at a time, and broken the Olympic Windows about the Ears of the Celestial Thunderer, was but a Flea-bite to this. The Concava of Heaven was but one dismal Flagellet, where the cursed Fifty-Pounders whistl'd their Infernal embracings, to which numbers of mangled Phocas's daunc'd in the bloody Air without Legs.  
In this astonishing Conjuncture, the Vice-Archithalassus not seeing the flame-colour'd Streamer upon the Main-Topmast-Head, sent away to the Palatine for fresh Orders and Supplies; But the Palatine was fast asleep, like Octavius Caesar at the battle of Philippi. Nor durst any of the Tritons presume to wake him, nor durst any of the Vessels that hovered about him stir from guarding the Fortune of Albion; till at length▪ Messenger after Messenger coming from the Vice-Archithalassus, one of the Tritons knocked at the Cabin door, first softly, then listened; then harder, then listened again. But nobody waked, nobody stirred: presently comes another, and another and another Messenger, to tell the Palatine the Vice-Archithalassus was Wounded, and they opened the Door and went in. But Heavens! in what a Consternation were they then? They drew the Curtains, looked into the Bed, and under the Bed, and over the Bed, searched every Corner and Cranny of the Room, but no Palatine was to be found. They saw the Cabin tite, the Window shut, and the bedclothes unsing'd, and what Devil had carried him away a Pick-back, they could not imagine. Well, quo they, farewell Victory, the Fortune of England is lost. No, no, quo another. I'll warrant ye for a Gravesend Toast we shall see him again: this is only the Kindness of Heaven; there is some perilous Hour at hand, and some of the Pagan Deities have brought him a Gyges's Ring to preserve him Invisible, till the danger be over. Now I'll be hanged if he ben't i' the Cabin, but if he should speak, the virtue of the Ring would be lost, and that he knows, and therefore does wisely to hold his Tongue. Did not Venus hid Aeneas in a Cloud when he was in the same Danger? and do you think there are not some of the Female-Pagan-Goddesses that love him as well as Venus loved her Darling?  
Now tho' it were not altogether so as the Triton said, yet it was somewhat like it. For afterwards it was found out, and if it be not, it ought to be recorded for one of the greatest Miracles that ever were known since the coming of Antichrist.   

Chap. 28. Of the Miraculous Preservation of the Palatine, which surpasses all belief.  
FOr so it fell out, that one of the Pagan Goddesses, some say, Sancta Agatha, some say the Egyptian Sancta Maria, who of a Pagan Harlot, became a Pagan Goddess; some say one, and some say another; 'tis not a Pin matter which; but one there was, who whether she were tired with the continual Litanies of the Astopian Raminogrobis's, or whether it were out of her peculiar Compassion to the Palatine, is not material to our History, came down from her Celestial Mansion, with nothing on but her Shift and her Slippers, which made some believe she was a Kin to the Silver sl●p sho'd Icis that was courted by Zephyrus; this Goddess, I say, well-knowing the danger that near at hand threatened the Palatine, and finding him so carelessly asleep, took him up in her Arms( for your Pagan Goddesses are all Strappers) carried him out of the Cabin Window invisible, and conveying him in again at one of the Port-holes, lugg'd him down into the Hold, and after she had laid him upon the Ballast, upon the very same Bed of Roses upon which Venus laid Adonis, covered him with the hinder part of her shift, which she tore off for that purpose, and so leaving him, bare-breech to the Coelum Empiraeum.  
She nicked it, you'l say exactly. For at the same time the Belgian Archithalassus, moved by the Instigation of the Devil, could find, or at least was resolved to find out nobody else to win Grinning Honour by, but the Archithalassus of Albion. Now this Belgian Archithalassus was just such another as Prometheus, who they say, covered a whole Acre of Ground when he lay upon his Belly. And it seems he had made a Vow, if he took the Palatine alive, to shut him up in an Iron Cage, and show him about the Cities of Batavia, as Tamerlain did Bajazet; and for a Memorial of his Victory, to hire four Astrologers to take down Arion's Dolphin from the Sky, and put up a Barrel of read Herrings in the room. Thus resolved, he bore up to the Palatine with all the Sail he could make, and a resolution to Board him, and do such farther M●schief as the Devil should put into his thoughts. But cursed Cows have short Horns. For the Triton Thims observing the Belgian Archithalassus's wicked Intentions, strook in with his Spitfire between the Palatine and him; and as the Pagan Goddesses would have it, placed a great Shot so exactly between Wind and Water, that by force it entered the Powder Room without a Writ in Withernam. Presently( for there was no Replevy i' the case) there was the Devil and all to do. The Bullet set the Powder a fire, the Powder set the Ship a fire, and in a moment sent the Belgian Archithalassus to Heaven in a fiery Chariot, with a Silver Tankard in his hand, to present Peter the Door-keeper. Tho' if any man ought to have gone first to Purgatory, the Belgian Archithalassus did; confidering how he stunk of Sulphur and brimstone; perfumes the most ungrateful in the world to the Inhabitants of the Empyraean Mansions.   

Chap. 29. How the Palatine waked and was found again to the great Joy of those that beholded him.  
THe Pagan Goddess, that stayed in the Orb of the Moon, all this while, to see the Event of things, perceiving the Danger was over, and hearing what a lamentable stir the Phocasses kept for their Archithalassus, darted again from the Sky like a Spider upon a Fly, or like the Turcoman Dancer upon the Ropes from the Top of his Pole, and finding the Palatine still in a sweet sleep, took him up in her Arms, and as a Midwife carries an Infant to the Font; conveyed him back again to his Cabin, and laid him where she found him. Soon after the horrid noise in the Ship waked him, and out he came rubbing his Eyes upon the Quarter Deck, to the no less joy than amazement of all that beholded him. welcome from the other World, Noble Palatine, quo the Chief Triton of the Ship. From the other World indeed, quo the Palatine; for I ha' been with Angels and archangels, and Pagan Gods and Goddesses, and I know not who myself. We thought so, quo the Triton, for we have been seeking for ye these two hours, and could not find ye neither high nor low: But did ye meet no body upon the Road as ye came down again? How so? quo the Palatine. mary, quo the Triton, here came the Belgian Archithalassus to inquire for ye, and we  told him we thought you were gone into the other World; whereupon he immediately took post with all his Ships Company, and went after ye: and with that he  told the Palatine the whole Story of the blowing up of the Belgian Archithalassus. virtue Goy, quo the Palatine, I would not have been here for a Million; for I should have been all for grappling, and Boarding; my Fingers would have been itching to have had a single Touch with my Brother Archithalassus, and so we should have spilled an Ocean of Christian Blood between us, when the Business was done a shorter and more compendious way. I have known an Epitome do much better than the Volume at large. For example, there is Ashmole's History of our Order, would be far better epitomized. So the most Compendious way of sending an Enemy out of the World is the best; and saves an Archithalassus the Chargeable expense of a Funeral. Then for the Honour of the Action, who dares refuse it me so long as I live, and I'll make it pass currant in future Story to boot.  
And now the Belgians, having lost their Archithalassus, and some three or four more of their biggest Towzers, made all the Sail they could to their own Coasts, and the Palatine was glad he was rid of 'em so. Nevertheless, the Belgians were so obstinate, that they would not yield the Palatine the Victory, unless he would come to such and such terms; for as for the blowing up of their Archithalassus, it was a Chance that might have happened to the Palatine as well as to them, and therefore was not to be reckoned among their Losses by downright Thumping and fair Blows. Thereupon it was concluded that two of the most eminent Tritons in each Fleet, should be made choice of, one for the Albionians, and another for the Belgians, and that these two should throw most at three throws upon three Dice, for the Glory of the Day. He that was for the Belgians threw first Six, Eight and Five, then two Fives and a Tray; and in the last place, Aumes Ace and a deuce. He that was for the Albionians, threw first Two Sixes and a Four, then Six, Five and Four, and lastly three deuces, and so the Albionians and the Palatine had the Honour of the Victory.   

Ch. 30. Of the Great rejoicing and Triumphing in the City of Troy-Novant, for the great Victory obtained against the Belgians, and of the great Honours done the Palatine.  
THe News of this great Victory being spread through all the Streets of Troy-Novant, as soon the Palatine's famed filled all the Coffee-Houses of that spacious City. He that entered into any Discourses, but of the Palatine's renowned Actions, had a Dish of the Stygian liquour flung in his Face. There they decreed the Number of the Belgian Towzers Sunk and Taken, of the Triton's killed, of the Ph●cas's Slain and prisoners: and having discovered in the Mists and Fumes of tobacco and Egyptian Bean-broth, a Victory much more signal than was reported, Poor famed was Jilted, Whor'd, plagued, Pox'd, and Hagg'd for being too sparing of her Lungs, and partial to the Palatine. They bid her sell her pitiful pimping squ●aling Quail-Pipe to the showers of Strange Fish, and buy her a Speaking Trumpet of Fifty yards long, and keep the four Winds in Pay to blow it; in regard the Palatines Renown would find 'em all work enough.  
I wonder, crys one, whether the Palatine will make any public Entry through the City? 'Tis ordered already crys another, that he shall ride from Julius Caesar's Tower to Alba Regalis in the Royal Charles, drawn by Six h●●dred forty eight Sea-Horses, with every one a Mermaid upon his Back, and Neptune himself is to be the P●stillion; and all ●he Grocers are forbid to sell the Boys any Gun-Powder to prevent the throwing of Squibs.  
This is all too little, cries a grave Gentleman with a Strawberry Countenance, I would have the same Honours decreed the Palatine, as the Senate of Rome decreed Caligula for filling his Souldiers Helmets with Cockle▪ Shells; for I believe this to be as terrible a Fight as ever that was. Terrible! Sir, quo another, I was in it, and the Devil choke me, if ever any pot boiled as the Sea did for six Hours together. To confirm what you say, cried another, I had one of the great Iron Bullets that Sunk the Zealander of Sixty four Guns, to Dinner to day; and may I never swallow more, if it did not eat as tender as a cabbage. Judge you then of the stupendious Valour and Prowess of the Palatine, that could endure in such a Brunt as this, and never Flinch.  
The Albi, Regalians met him upon the River Thamesis, with fifteen hund'red Painted Barges, singing jo triumph; called him the Son of Neptune, which the Palatine scrupl'd not to own, with great Admiration of himself; and the first thing they Presented him with, was a Crown of Gold Tinsel, made in imitation of a Garland of Sea Holly.  
The Archon of Troy-Novant also went to Congratulate his safe return, and made hi● a Present of a vast March-pane Man of War, Swimming in an Ocean of Custard. His Flatterers surrounded him, his Parasites encircl'd him, and his Buffoons clung about him, calling him the Jason of his Time, and extoling his Valour to the sphere of Saturn, and the two Muses Melpomene and Clio were at work Night and Day to make him panegyrics. And no question but had he accompanied his Brother Archithalassus, and died upon the spot, he had won immortal Honour, and had been translated into the Upper Regions, and Catalogu'd among the Pagan Gods and Goddesses, like the Roman Imperators. At length to complete all the rest, Addresses also came from Longtail and Bobtail from every Corner of the Kingdom, to thank him for what the Cat l●st in the malt. And the fanatic Philosophers, called Virtuosi, presented him with an Engine to make white black, and black white, when ever he should have occasion to use it.  
So that the Belgians, hearing what a Clutter the Albionians made of their Victory which they had got but by one spot of a die, they fell a making a Bonfires and Fire-works like mad, and rejoicing and triumphing for the great Victory obtained over the Albionians on their side. Which was a great eclipse to the Palatines Honour: for all the european Princes perceiving so light a feather turned the Scales, when ever they met together drew cuts which side to believe, and if at any time, the Palatines Agents made bounces of their Masters Prowess in any of their pretences, they said nothing, but nodded their heads and laid their fore fingers upon their noses, and 'tis said that the Waywode of Ditto when he had red the Cologne Corant hanged himself, for being so much mistaken in his politics as to sand his Envoy to Congratulate the Palatines success.   

Chap. 31. How Peace ensued, and then War, and then Peace and then War again between the Albionians and the Belgians, and how the Palatine cut the Gordian Knot.  
THe Palatine thus finding it was not so easy a thing to destroy the Belgians, as he thought it had been, sent to the King of the Astopians who was a rank Pagan, desiring him that they two might lay their heads together to consider what was farther to be done. And in Conclusion they made the strictest league of Friendship together that ever was known. For after they had twisted both their Interests together with two great Iron wheels, as close and as firm as the strongest Cable rope in the world, and so long as to reach from Lutetia to Troy-Novant, the King of Astopia caused fifteen Cyclops's to fasten one end of the Interest-Cable to the Region of his Heart with twenty Ironnails such as they drive into the Ribs of a great Ship, forced in with massy Anchor Hammers; and the Palatine ordered the other end of the Interest-Cable to be fastened in like manner to the Region of his Heart, so that it was impossible for either to stir unless they went jointly together. After this the Palatine sold the Reversion and Remainder of the three Kingdoms of Albion, Caledonia and Hibernia, with all the Giblets thereto belonging, after the King of Albions decease, to the King of Astopia and his Heirs for ever; Provided that the Palatine should hold them in Vassalage of the King of Astopia during his own Life. On the other side it was covenanted and agreed that the King of Astopia should furnish the Palatine with whatever sum or sums of Money he should ask or demand, to be expended all toward the Extermination of the Christians from the face of the Earth. All which being approved and consented to, a brace of Envoys were dispatched to the Emperor of the Infernal Regions for Confirmation of the Articles under the great Seal of the bottonles Pit: and withal to request such farther Assistance from his Plutonian Majesty as the King of Astopia and the Palatine should from time to time desire.  
The Belgians having notice of this Terrestrial and Infernal Combination against them, immediately entered into a strict confederacy with the King of the Vandals, the Arragonian Monarch, and the Christians of Albion, and for more surety bound themselves all together in a bundle, like the King of Scythia's Emblem of Concord, with the bark of a Cornet three, & so fastened the Knot, that there was neither Beginning nor End to be seen; so that it was thought impossible for all the wit of man to untie it.  
The King of Astopia and the Palatine were strangely consternated at this Association; for the one foresaw, that unless he could unloose it some way or other, he should never attain to the Universal Monarchy of Europe; and the other for the same Reason, despaired of the Destruction of the Christians. Presently the Palatine having heard of the Story of Alexander was for cutting it; withal he  told the King of Astopia, that he had a Lord that was the best at paring of Pippins in the World, and that he would sand him to take his opportunity to give it a sliver; And indeed that sly Necromancer gave it such a gash, that it hung merely by one Thread. So that the Palatine having thus rendered the Knot useless, the King of the Astopians and he resolved to set upon the Belgians a second time. But whether it were that the Palatine did not like the sport of his own making, or that having bought a hunting Nagg of a Lady of Quality, and having sprain'd the lower▪ Vertebraes of his Chine in leaping after a Buck, he could not be there; so it was, that the Care and Management of that War was committed to others, and the Palatine only sate in a Beacon, and looked on; so that we have nothing more to say to that Affair.   

Chap. 32. How the Palatine followed the Example of Nero the Tyrant of Rome.  
IT was Milk and Honey to the Palatine, that he had found out away to set the Christians, as he was in good hopes, at a perpetual enmi●y one with another, and to see them lambasting, thrashing and thumping each other as they did for a few China Dishes, and Petticoat Silks, or as if the Pepper of India had been the summum bonum of all Mankind. The Indians blessed themselves to hear that two Nations should so dismally mingle-mangle one another for the seasoning of a venison pastry. But the Palatine and the King of Astopia had their Ends, and cared not thô Heaven and Earth had been clapped together like two Furmity Dishes. But nothing afflicted the Palatine so much as to see the flourishing Condition of the great City of Troynovant, abounding in wealth and vast numbers of Christians. He remembered their large Contributions of Thimbles and Bodkins against the late King of Albion, and dreaded nothing more than that the Riches and Populousness of that vast City, would be the only obstruction of all his deep laid contrivances against the Christians. He knew the Devil himself could never make the Earth gape wide enough to swallow it up. What way therefore to level it as smooth as the back of his hand, he could not for his Soul device. To those that gave him Advice to fire it, he made answer, that he know the story of the Phoenix, how she set her Nest a Fire and revived again; that the Pagans were the better and came out the more refined for going into Purgatory, that the World was to be renewed by fire, and therefore fire was not an Element to be trusted in an Affair of so great Importance. For quo the Palatine, I would have shaved it from the ground as clean as a man's Beard from his Chin with a Razor, and so thrown into the middle of the Sea. Then proceeding, we all know, quo the Palatine, there is a way of smothering Bees to Death. Now a great City is but a great Bee-hive, and the People are but a vast number of Bees with a great many Drones mixed among 'em: Why then might there not be a project found out to smother these Bees of Christians to death in their Combs with moist brown Paper and old Cards? It would be a double Pleasure to see the Christians perish, and perish in Torment. What d' ye say, Son's of Loyola? you are old Dogs at mischief, go and lay your heads together. For this great City sticks i' my stomach, past all the Oxymel Squilliticum or Antimony in the World to fetch it up, Emou zontos gaia mictheto pyri is the Word. So said Nero the Tyrant of Rome, and so say I. The loyalists applauded the magnanimous Resolution of the P●latine, but withal they  told him there was no Element but fire would do the Business: for that they had got such a Composition that water would inflame, but never quench, and that they would undertake to do it.   

Ch. 33. More of this and something else.  
NO sooner was the business concluded, but an Envoy arrived from the Emperour of the Infernal Regions, who was presently admitted to his private Audience. In the first place he  told the Palatine that his Master had sent a hundred waggon-loads of thanks persum'd with brimstone for his great care of the General concern; That he highly approved the design of firing Troy▪ Novant, and that for the carrying on of the business, his Master had sent him twenty Fly-boats of right Infernal Bitumen that would catch like tinder, and flamme like burnt brandy; encouraging the Palatine withal not to fear the discovery of his name, for that his Master would cast such a mist before the Eyes of the People that they should never be able to red it tho 'twere writ in Pothecarie's Letters. Care was also taken, to dispatch away another Envoy to King aeolus to desire him to chain up the North Wind to the Pole Arti●k and let loose a strong easterly gale: and to prevent rain, that the Region of the Air might be brushed and swept so clean that there might not a Cloud be seen in the Sky. Others there were in the Confederacy that propounded the sending of a courier to Vulcan, to desire him to sand them his great pair of Smith's Bellows. But there was one of the loyalists more cunning than all the rest, who advised the Palatine to save all this charges, for that he knew a Loyalist that had all the Winds in a bag made of a flayed Dolphins Skin, and that by the force of certain charms that he knew how to mumble, he could command the winds to blow as he listed himself. I believe, quo the Palatine to the Loyolist, that your Friend may have such a bag, and I like it very well, but I love to be sure, and therefore I will sand for Vulcans great Bellows whatever they cost me.  
And it will be very requisite, cried another who was one of the chief of the loyalists that we conjure up a certain number of Miphostopholus's( having whole Legions at Command) to fly about in the Air and daub the outsides of all the Houses, Temples and Steeples, with Naphta and Bitumen. Now Naphta was the Invention of that famous Witch Medea; and the Nature of it is such that whatever is besmeared with it, catches immediately if it come but within sight of Fire or the Sun, and burns beyond any possibility of quenching it. And Bitumen has another quality to draw fire to it, and set the very Air of Fire. Now of two such Infernal Ingredients as these was made up the composition of the Paynim fire-balls, and the Houses were besmeared by the Miphostofusus's, with such enchantments as these that the City of Troy-Novant should burn for three days together. For not only the Miphostofus's flew about invisibly in the day time; daubing and plaistring the Houses with their Diabolical bird-lime, but the Panim loyalists sent about their Emissaries in the night time laden with this Infernal mortar to stick it up and down wherever they could find any Combustible Matter. And indeed never did any Conflagrations of whole Cities so nearly resemble one another as those of old Rome and Troy Novant.   

Chap. 34. Of the Great Similitude in every particular between the Two dismal Conflagrations of Old Rome and New Troy.  
A Conflagration followed, whether 
Tacitus Annal. lib. 15.  by chance or by the Treachery of the Prince is uncertain; for Authors have delivered both. It was begun in that part of the City where those sorts of wears and merchandises lay that were most apt to feed the flames. The People all in Consternation and Ambiguous what to avoid, what course to take, some filled up the Streets, others lay scattered in the Fields adjoining, wringing their hands and bewailing their irrecoverable losses; Others that laboured to quench the Raging Flames, toiled and moyl'd in vain, while the Panim Emissaries publicly nourished the Conflagration with fresh fuel, and being apprehended, boasted the Protection of him that set them at work. So that afterwards tho the Prince seemed to take a great deal of care of the Distressed Multitude, yet it signified nothing, in regard there was a Rumour spread, that while the City was all on flamme, he entered into his domestic Theatre, and sang the burning of Troy.   

Chap. 35. Where the Comparison ends.  
WHen the Genius of Albion, heard this Doleful Relation uttered from the lips of the Venerable Bede, Alas poor Troy-Novant, said he, how like was thy calamity to this! The King of Astopia and the Palatine in imitation of Nero, conspiring thy ruin, and to lay thee in ashes call up for assistance from the Infernal Regions; and all the while thou burnst, they Kiss and Court, and with their fair Poppaea's wantonnize.  
At length when Brontes, Steropes and Pyracman had quiter tired themselves with blowing Vulcans massy Bellow's till they could blow no longer, and the devouring flames had gorged themselves upon the Stately Structures of Troy-Novant, which now lay all in ashes, the Emperor of the Infernal Regions, sent ●way his Grand Visier Moloch to the Astopian King and the Palatine, to congratulate the happy success of their design, assuring them that it was not out of any disaffection to their cause, but only because it was not in his power, that he did not turn the soil upon which Troy▪ Novant stood into a lake like that of old Gomorrah, to the end it might never be built upon again. Withal the Lord Moloch had in charge to bid the Astopian King and the Palatine have a care of the Grand Senate of Albion; for that he foresaw they would in a short time rebuild it again, unless by their Prudence and Interest they could dissolve that detested Nest of Christians, and sand the Birds to Avernus; and lastly he bid them be sure to lay the Burning of Troy-Novant upon the Christians themselves, as the Emperor Nero laid the firing of Old Rome upon the Children of Israel; all which the King of Astopia and the Palatine promised to use their utmost endeavour to see done according to his Imperial Majesties Directions.   

Chap. ●6. Of the Great joy at the Imperial Court of Gehenna for the Burning of Troy-Novant and how the King of Astopia and the Palatine triumphed over a Map of the ruins.  
SO soon as the Sultan of Gehenna had dispatched away his ambassador Moloch, he called together the rest of his sooty Grandees, Baal Peor, Bell and the Dragon, Ashtaroth, Satan, Osiris, Thamuz, Lucifer, beelzeebub, geryon, Orcus, tartarous, Madam Dagon, the Lady Hecate, Madam N●mesis, and some hundreds more too long to remember, who being all assembled together, the Sultan being mounted upon his Imperial Throne, Right Trusty and well beloved Cousins and counsellors, quo he, it is our will and pleasure, that there shall be a public jubilee of twelve years throughout all our Dominions, for the Burning of Troy-Novant in the Kingdom of Albion; a spacious Nest of Christians that disturbed my Ears more than all the world beside, with their six a Clock Bells and their three a Clock Bells, and their first and second Peals in one Temple or other all the Week long: I could not sleep in the morning, nor take a Nap after dinner for their j●ngling the people together to worship my Grand Enemy. They hated our beloved, the Scarlet Lais of Babylon: They abominated our trusty Kinsman and Vicegerent Antichrist, and would not suffer a Panim Priest to rest within their Walls, but hanged up all those our true and faithful servants where ever they found 'em: And lastly they sheltered all the Enemies of the King of Astopia and the Palatine of Eboracum, who were the Grand Protectors of our Grand Babylonian Council de Propaganda fide; For these reasons we put it into the hearts of the Astopian Prince and the Palatine to level it with the Earth, and now our councils have succeeded, by our great River Styx we will be merry. Is Troy-Novant laid in ashes, quo he? And with that he fell a laughing for an hour together so loud, that he made the Pillars of Hell Shake. And it has been since reported by several Ghosts of the deceased that have been forced to return to the Earth to tell where they had hide their money, that they never saw such feasting in Hell in their lives. Millions of Dishes of thirty acres in circumference of one sort of Food heaped up to that degree, that it was as much as a Legion of Devils could do to carry one. In some a Million of Black Bulls; in others as many Black Dogs; in others as many Hogs of Genesareth; in others whole Mountains of the Entrails of Barren Heifers covered over with fat and oil: In others whole Woods of Cypress, Ram's thorn, Daffadillies and Juniper for salads. What they wanted in Wine they made up in Brandy and Coffee, of which the Emperor of Gehenna would make nothing to drink off at a draft a Gold Beaker as big as the Tun of Heidelbergh. And thus they continued reveling and Debaushing in Hell for three years together, till hearing that the Inhabitants of Troy-Novant were resolved to rebuild their City, and that the Grand Senate of Albion had so ordered it, that the City was like to be ten times more beautiful than ever it was, the Sultan of Gehenna fell into such a violent and excessive rage, that he threw the Tables one way, the Dishes another, here lay a Mountain of Green Lizards and Vipers Fricass●ed, with a Morass of Sauce about it, and for above thirty thousand Leagues in compass, nothing but Babylonian Towers of Diabolical Viands, and Navigable Lakes of Burning Brandy, prepared to have been quaff● off in Snap-dragons, had the Triumphant Debaush gone on, insomuch that Hell itself seemed to lie in ruins; and they were forced to sand for the Great Scavinger Hercules to take away the Devil's leavings, and make the Roads of that part of Hell passable: Which was said to be the last and most difficult of all his labours.  
In the mean time the King of Astopia and the Palatine having gotten a draft of the City Ruins, pleased themselves with the sight of it, and were very merry upon it for eight and forty hours together. Where was it the fire first seized, quo the King of Astopia? Here, quo the Palatine. What place was that called? quo the King. Pudding Lane, quo the Palatine. Pudding, that's to say Boudin in the Language of Astopia. Hoh, quo the King of Astopia, 'Twas the right way of well feeding to begin with the Pudding. All hereabouts, quo the Pala●ine, lived your great dealers in Pitch, Tar, Rosin, and such like Combustible Matters, which being melted by the violence of the flames and mixed with the Kennel water, You would have laughed to see how the slaves basted their own houses. 'Twas yet but an Infant of a Conflagration, and therefore 'twas fit to feed it with Spoon meat.— But what place was this, quo the King of Astopia? This house quo the Palatine belonged to the Easterling Merchants, and was called the Steelyard.— Excellent well, quo the King of Astopia. 'Twill signify nothing when I come to be Master of the Hanse-Towns. Here, quo the Palatine, stood a famous Rhenish-Wine Tavern, and the Flames were mad to be at the Old-Hock. They knew what was good for themselves, for Vin Ardant in your Language is Aqua vitae in ours. Bon prou leur face, quo the King of Astopia; They that won't drink when they 're a dry, let 'em die for thirst in a Mildamm. 'Tis very true, quo the Palatine, and here stood the money-changers Street— vulgarly called, the Street of the Lombards. A beau feu bel Argent quo the Astopian Hero; 'Twas the true way of making aurum Potabile; I'd rather the Devil should have money than my Subjects.— But what's written there? The Bourse Royal, quo the Palatine, Ah— parbleu quo the King of Astopia, Le Marchand n'espargne nuls; The merchant spares none; why should we spare them? And so, quo the Palatine, the Flames ran on till they came hither to pie-corner. Coign du Pastè, Coign du Pastè! Quo the Astopian Hector, Bougre de less Lourdauts de flames, did they leave that bit for manners? And so they came along down hither and burnt bridewell which Henry the 8th built, and here again his own chapel. Morgoy O LeGrandVoleur del'Eglise, Le grand Ennemi de nostre St. Pere quo the Hector of Astopia, I would have sworn the Flames had been all Hugonots, had they spared that heretics Monuments. And all the way Sir, quo the Palatine, the thirsty Conflagration drank burnt Sack and Claret by whole Hoggsheads.— A beau feu, beau retour, Tit for Tat, quo the Astopian Monarch; There was no reason such a great Sty of unconverted Christians should want burnt Wine at it's Funeral. But what are all these Huge Gobbets remaining? Morsel's for another festival, quo the Palatine, Ah Morbleu, quo the King of Astopia, Mal fait qui ne parfait, Discontinuance of the Work dishonours the enterprise. You see how I make whole Countries flamme before me, fire whole Provinces, & make Depopulation her self march before me in a fiery Chariot. Tout beau, fair and softly quo the Palatine, Rome was not burnt in a day.— And yet I cannot believe that such a Holocaust of human Habitations was ever offered to any of the Panim Deities by any of the paynim before. If the Progress answer the beginning, quo the Astopian Monarch. I think the Devil grew compassionate, quo the Palatine, that the Progress was no better, I'm sure 'twas no fault of ours; for to our knowledge all our Guards were diligently employed to hinder the Caitiffs from removing their goods, it being our aim that their whole Estates should perish in the same fires with their Houses. The same care was also taken to see to the dismissing and discharging several that were taken fomenting and adding fuel to the flamme. And the slaves were ordered to carry all they took to Alba Regalis and the Castle of sand Jacomo, not to secure them, but reward them, and give them an opportunity to escape. If the Emperour of Gehenna turned Milk-sop what could we help it?  
Here they both broke off a bruptly, not but that their discourse was much longer, and their joy unspeakable, but the Palatine was called off by a Messenger from his Sultaness, who was retired to her Chamber with certain of the loyalists to sing a Black Santum of praise and Thanksgiving to the Pagan Goddesses for so good and prosperous a Beginning.   

Chap. 37. How the Palatine and the King of Astopia pursued their design of destroying the Belgians.  
WHile the devouring Flames were thus reducing Troy-Novant to Ashes, the Palatine had so contrived it that there was at the same time a new War broken out between the Belgians and the Albionians. For it was so ordered and complotted between the Pagan Palatine and the Heathen Astopian, that while the Belgians and Albionians were engaged in a bloody War by Sea, that the hungry Flames should banquet upon the Inland Strength and Riches of Albion at the same time that the Astopian Hector was ransacking the Bowels of the lower Belgium. Which they thought the surest way to ruin both the one and the other. One thing however very much troubled the Palatine, that be thought to have been Archithalassus again in this same second War. But the Albi●nians offended at his ill and dishonourable Conduct of the first war, exclaimed against him and would by no means suffer him to go. So that the King of Albion was forced to keep him at home under the specious pretence of his care not to hazard the Fortune of Albion. However to content him, he gave him full power to rule the roast in his Counsels at home as he pleased himself. But notwithstanding this great Authority which was put into his Hands, the Palatine was not satisfied, but fumed and foamed because he was not made Archithalassus. For the sultan of Albion had made two Archithalassus's in his stead, the Teutonic Prince and the Devonian Knight, who were right valorous Champions, which gal●'d the Palatine to that degree that he studi'd all manner of ways to eclipse their Glory and render their Prowess and Experience ineffectual. To this purpose he consulted his grand Counsel of loyalists, who advised him to divide the Albionian Navy, thereby to expose the whole to utter Ruin. For he well knew that such was the magnanimous Resolution of both the Archithalassus's, that being both united they would certainly return with Glory and Triumph to his Eternal Infamy, but being separated and overpowered by number, they might become a prey to the Enemy, which was the only thing he wished for. To this purpose he goes to the famous Enchantress Circe, and Conjures her to use all her charms to lay the King of Albion in a deep Trance, which it was no difficult thing for her to do, in regard she was both beautiful and fair, and greatly admired by the King of Albion: and then having the Command of all things in his own power, under pretence that his Sultaness longed, he sent away the strictest Orders imaginable to the Teutonic Prince to take along with him the best half of the Albionian Navy, and sail away forthwith to the Bay of Cantabria to gather Spanish O●sters and Sea fans. Now so it fell out, as if the Devil and the Oracle of Apollo had been in the loyalists, that the Belgians having notice of the Teutonice princes being thus sent of a Sleeveless Errand, came up with their whole Navy of a sudden and surrounded the Devonian Knight. Heaven's bless us! You would have thought all the whole fabric of the upper Regions had been tumbling about your Ears. For the Devonian Knight, more regarding his Honour than his safety, fought like a Dragon; but being over-powered by number, he was forced to make a retreating fight, leaving one of the best of all his great Thunderers behind him; and worse it had been, but that the Teutonic Prince, being advertised of the bloody Engagement, bid all the Spanish Periwinkles go to the Devil, and flew with all the sail he could make to the rescue of the Devonian Knight. But when the Devil and Treachery conspire together, who the Devil can help it? For when the Teutonic Prince, and the Devonian Knight were joined and thought to have scoured off the Belgians the next day, beelzeebub had stolen away all their Powder; and before they could get more, the Belgians were run in among their Flats and Shallows, and there lay grinning and chattering at the Albionians like so many Monkeys after they have done a Mischief, and know themselves safe. It was reported that the Palatine by a Private Contract had lent the Powder long before to the Emperour of Gehenna to make Serpents and fire-works for joy of the Burning of Troy-Novant. However it were the Palatine and his two Sorceresses Medea and Circe bore all the blame. The Teutonic Knight stormed, the Knight of Devonia foamed, and all the while the Palatine made grimaces at both, Which so enraged the Teutonic Knight, that had it been any other but the Fortune of England he had spurned him into the sphere of Saturn, which is the uppermost of all the Seven.   

Chap. 38. How the Palatine set the Albionians and the Belgians a third time together by the Ears, by a Wile.  
THe Palatine now thinking he stood upon even terms in point of Honour with his two Rival Archithalassus's, by Santo Martin●, and Santo Christophoro, quo he, I had rather be an absolute Sultan over ten Pagan, than a precarious Monarch over Millions of Christians. I will have t'other 'bout with the Belgians, tho' I Sacrifice all the Christians in Albion to the Manes of my Great Grandam. It is decreed, nor shall thy Fate, cursed Albion, resist my Vow. What tho' she were a Peterine de Venus, a Daughter of Joy, and blew up one of her Husbands into a three? her Head was Diadem'd, and they ought not to have put her to Death. Now Antichrist assist me, for I have a notable Project in my Head— With that, Sirrah, quo the Palatine to a Triton standing by him, the Belgian Fleet is out, and Sailing through St. George's Sleeve, go forthwith, take an Oyster-boat, and three Men with every one a Snap Cane Gun in their hands; then put up a piece of an old read Petticoat upon the top of the Mast, and Sail through the Belgian Fleet; if they refuse to strike to that Rag, let fly at 'em, and denounce War against ' em. To whom the Triton, Mighty Palatine, quo he, the Belgians and we are now at Peace, how shall I answer such a Breach? Slave, quo the Palatine, I am what I am, and will be obeyed. He spoken with such a dreadful Voice, and frowned so terribly, that the Triton seeing the Hair of his Eyebrows and his Beard almost ready to meet, made such hast, that he broken his Nose against the Door; however he stopped not for that; but ran bleeding down Stairs for fear of a Kick o'the Bum that should have sent him headlong to Acheron. Away he goes with his Oyster-boat and his read Rag, and commanded the Belgian Archithalassus to strike. At whose Command? quo the Grim Belgian. At my Masters, the Palatine of Eboracum, quo the Albionian Triton. Be gone, quo the Belgian, or else I'll sand thee and thy Wherry to the Stygian Lake. Not strike! quo the Triton; and with that he ordered his three Phocas's to snap their three Cane Guns, at the Belgian Archithalassus. Upon which, the Belgian ordered one of his Phocasses to let down his Breeches and give the Albionian Triton a Tail-shot; which the Phocas placed so exactly, and sent it with that fury, that the force of the Wind had almost over-set the Albionian Fanfan. With that the Triton called out with a loud Voice to the Belgian Archithalassus, and defied him in the Palatine's name; and so returning to the Palatine,  told him what he had done. No more, the War's begun then, quo the Palatine. Some relate the Story otherwise, as how that the Palatine commenced a svit upon a Scan. madge. against the Belgians by his Attor. Gen. and having got judgement by Default for Ten hundred thousand Millions of Pounds Damages, he ordered his C. Justiciary to give Sentence against them as Disturbers of the Peace of Albion, and Enemies of his Government. So that there was nothing wanting, but to take the Belgians in Execution, which he Swore by the pavilion of Mars, he would do before a Week were over, tho' he were himself, the Special Bailiff And so away he flung to consult his loyalists what farther course to take.   

Chap. 39. How the Palatine pursued his Designs against the Belgians.  
NOw as he was debating which way to get Money to carry on this dismal War, an Envoy came from the King of Astopia to tell him, that the Belgian Merchants were coming through St. Georges Channel, Laden with all the Riches of the East, which if he could but seize, he need never to need a Grand Senate of Albion more. Say ye so, quo the Palatine, by the Mass and I'll have it then, tho' it were guarded like the Hesperian Orchard; and so he summoned his Council of loyalists together, to consult which way to manage this Affair for the best. Some were for sending away to Vulcan immediately to make such a Net as never was seen in the World, all of massy Iron Wire, and large enough to cover all that part of the Ocean from the iceland of Vectis to the Astopian shore; that so the Belgian Vessels being entangled in the Net, the Pagan Albionians might seize them as they do Partridge; for that by that means being deprived of their Canvas Wings, they could only flutter about, but never escape the hands of the Seizers. Body of Caesar, cried one of the loyalists, who the Devil shall throw that Net? The Titans, quo the Palatine, huge brawny-arm'd Monsters that when they are taking a Nap in the Sun, every one Covers an Acre of Ground with his Body. nouns, cried another, such a Net will be a Hundred years a making. No, no, quo the Palatine, in a Quarter of an hour. I beseech ye, Mighty Palatine, crys a third, I think there's a better way than this; to sand for the massy Mountains of Penmen, Maur and Malvern Hills, and if these will not suffice, fetch the Peek of Tenariffe, with the Highlands of Caledonia, and sink 'em all in the Narrow Seas, between the Iccian Port, in Astopia, and the City of Durovernum in Albion. Thus shall you stop the Belgians, that they shall not be able to go backward nor forward. Besides these vast Excrescencies of the Earth, are but disfigurements to Albion, and would do better in the Sea to make a brave Bridge for the King of Astopia to come and assist ye against the Grand Senate. The Palatine liked this Project extremely well; but then quo He, who the Devil shall help us at this dead lift? Morbleu, cried one of the loyalists, 'tis a strange thing that there should not be so much as one grain of Faith among all Us; for then we might remove these Mountains ourselves.  
But while they were labouring these great Machinations, in came the terrible Triton Hamshirothemsol; to whom, after they had made known their Debates, by the Power of Fortune, quo he, now I think on't, Sir Palatine, I have a whole Marble Fountain full of remoras at home i' my Garden, which I keep tame on purpose, for such occasions as these. They are but little Fish 'tis true, not much bigger than Menows, but their virtue is such, that by clinging to the sides of a Ship, they will stop a Vessel under Sail, tho' she were as big as a small iceland, that she shall not be able to go forward or backward. With these remoras will I stop the Belgian Merchants, and when I have once stopped 'em, then let me alone for the rest. As for breaking the League, ne'er trouble yourself, Sir Palatine, I am never without a Fly-boat full of Liberty of Conscience to serve a Friend.  
The Palatine was right glad to hear this Proposal of the Triton Hamshirothemsol, and sucked it down to his heart as the only Cordial, that could relieve his all so bemir'd Imaginations: he applauded, commended, extolled the terrible Triton, and  told him he would make him Archithalassus of Albion, if he made him but Master of the Belgian Treasures. Away went the terrible Triton full of Belgian-confounding thoughts; and taking along with him a small handful of the Albionian Navy lay perdieu behind a great Rock just in the Road where the Belgian Merchants were to pass; and as soon as they appeared the terrible Triton sent his remoras among ' em. 'Tis true, the remoras put a stop to the Belgian Merchants for some time; and then the terrible Triton came up with 'em, and commanded 'em to surrender up their Treasure. Not so fast Tom, quo They; we did not purchase it so easily. With that the Terrible Triton repeated his Commands in the thundering Language of Broadsides. Which put the Belgians into a great Amazement at first, to find their Vessels stopped upon the open Sea; but at length perceiving nothing but Violence and Robbery designed against them by those with whom they supposed themselves to have been at Peace, confirmed by Solemn League and Triple Association, they conferred three Minutes with Madam Nature, and finding by her Laws there was no way but to repel force with force, invoked the Justice of their Cause to their Assistance; and after that, bestirring themselves with a Courage suitable to their Innocency, so belaboured the Terrible Triton, that they constrained him to quit his Prey before he could get enough to repair the damages of the Engagement. As you shall many times see a number of Crows drive a great Kite from a dead Horse, before he has a quarter satisfied his hunger. Which made the Terrible Triton curse his ill luck, and Swear that the Palatine's Misfortune haunted him.  
When the Palatine heard this ill News, he was quiter down i' the mouth, hung his Lip, and eat up one of his Gloves for madness. cursed Hamshirothemsol, quo he, had I myself been there, I would have made no more to have swallowed Seventy two Belgian Merchants than to have devoured five fresh Herrings at a Breakfast. I'll be peeled like a raw onion if this same slave ever prayed to the Goddess of Loretto before he fell on. Fool that I was, had I but sent as many Saracens, Heads and all, they would have brought me every one a Ship in their Mouths. Just at this instant in came Hamshirothemsol himself, and finding the Palatine in such a heat, Sir Palatine, cried he, I defy either you or any man living to have done more than I did— But, Sir, the Belgians lined all the Sides of their Vessels with raw Eelskins, and so slipped out of my clutches. How! quo the Palatine, lined the Outsides of their Vessels with raw Eel-skins! Yes, Sir, quo Hamshirothemsol, lined the sides of their Ves●els with raw Eelskins— and your remoras will never touch Vessels that are so lined— and by the Beard of Pantagruel, quo the Terrible Triton, I'll sand him for a New years Gift to the Devil that denies this to be true.— Patience, Noble Triton, quo the Palatine, this was more than I knew— when men speak reason, rational men must believe ' em.— For, as 'tis not improbable, so 'tis probable, and as 'tis probable, 'tis credible; and as 'tis credible, so 'tis not unlikely.— Pork and Pease choke me Sir, quo the Terrible Triton, if it be n't as I tell ye, Sir.   

Chap. 40. Of the Great Preparations which the Palatine made to Encounter the Belgians a Third time.  
THe Palatine being thus appeased, went to the King of Albion, and  told him he had begun a new War with the Belgians. A new War with the Belgians! quo the King of Albion, how can that be? when I have so lately strook up a new League with the King of the Vandals, the King of the Arragonians and the Belgians themselves. When Jupiter Swears by Styx, he never violates his Oath. No matter for that, quo the Palatine, I have done that already for ye. shane on all ill luck, quo the King of Albion, you will still be meddling with Business, and yet were never fit for it. Tell not me, Sir, what I am fit for, quo the Palatine, don't you know there's another Alliance between the King of Astopia, and You and Me, which you have sealed more solemnly than ever Jupiter could do by Swearing by Styx. If it lie upon your Stomach, drink a little Lethe, that's the next River to Styx, and that will wash it quiter out of your Memory. There's a time for all things, Palatine, quo the Sultan, there's a time for all things; that's an Arcanum not to be discovered as yet. We must do something first to dazzle the Eyes of the Grand Senate. Don't tell me of the Grand Senate, Sir, quo the Palatine, I have begun the War with the Belgians, and you must and shall prosecute it. Where's the Money, Palatine? quo the Sultan. Drain the Sea, Sir, quo the Palatine; I am  told, said he, the bottom of the Ocean is much richer than are the Bowels of the Earth. 'Tis but fishing there for Gold, as ye do for Ballast in the River of Thamesis, and you may bring up a whole Tun at every cast of your Drag-net. Never was the Emperor Nero so sure of meeting with Q. Dido's Treasures that were said to be hidd'n under Ground in Africa, as the Palatine was assured of finding Mountains of Gold at the Bottom of the Sea. Insomuch that he sent for several of the most wealthy Merchants of Troy-novant, and  told 'em of his design, and the great Probability of it; and at the same time two loyalists made two long Speeches upon the same subject, and so well convinced the Merchants of the Reality of the Thing, that they lent the Palatine a Hundred and fifty thousand Pounds upon the Security of the Project; and others advanced large Sums for Patents to set forth so many draining Ships for their own share, allowing such a Profit to the Palatine as Archithalassus of Albion. Ah mary, Palatine, quo the Sultan, I like this way of Draining the Sea well; let 'em have Patents as many as will; I'll sell 'em all the Green Wax i' my Kingdom at this rate. Now if this were true, it was one of the subtlest Contrivances that ever the Palatine was guilty of in his life.  
But this was not all; for he sent to the King of Astopia, to let him understand that he was resolved to make a general Prosecution against all the Christians in Albion, and to put all the Penal Laws and Statutes of the Realm in Execution against them: and offered him the Security of the Fines, Mulcts, Estreatments, and Forfeitures of the Christians for another large Sum of Money to be repaid with Interest; which the King of Astopia accepted. However it were, the Palatine got Ships from Astopia, and Ships in Albion, and what with the one and the other, patched up a most formidable Navy to encounter the Belgians; of which the Sultan of Albion made him a second time Archithalassus, and bid him go on and prosper: Prosper! quo the Palatine to the Sultan, my life to a Gravesend Toast, we prosper this 'bout. For, said he, mark the Course of Fate. The phoenicians of Carthage tugged with the Ancient Romans in two Salt-water Wars▪ but in the third they were confounded & brought to shane. So the Belgians have held it against the Albionians, for these two last Wars; but let 'em ware the third.   

Chap. 41. How the Palatine went to seek out the Belgians, but found 'em not, and of his Resolutions thereupon.  
THe War being thus declared, and the Albionians being joined with the Astopians, the Tritons of both Navies mounted their several Sea-Horses, under the Conduct of the Palatine, who was Archithalassus of Albion. These Sea-Horses were the most terrible Monsters that ever were seen; for they had every one ten pair of grey Canvas Wings; out of their sides gaped a number of Mouths that spit Fire, and huge Gobbets of Iron instead of phlegm, as big as Saracen's Heads; upon their Backs. They carried huge Towers that would hold, some of 'em a thousand men; and their Bellies were continually stuffed with brewed Water, Brandy, Salt Pork, and Beef, Gun-Power, Crossbar-shot, and the Devil and all. Their Bridles were fastened to their Tails, which were of Wood, and so contrived, that with a small kerb, considering the Bulk of the Sea-Horse, you might wind him and turn him, and make him wheel about with the strength of one or two Phocases, tho the Sea-Horse were as big as fifty over grown Came's. The Albionians and Astopians being mounted upon these hugeous Sea Monsters, set forth and flew to the Coasts of the Nether Belgium, to find out the Belgians, who being mounted upon other Sea Monsters of the same nature, but no less terrible, whether out of Fear or Policy kept themselves close and would not be seen. Whereupon the Palatine Transported with his wonted Bravery and Courage, Ascending the Steeple of the Tower which his own Sea-Horse carried on his Back by means of a long Ladder of Ropes, and setting a Stentorian Trumpet to his Mouth, called out to the Belgians in a most Terrible and Astonishing Tone, Hounsfoots, Skellums, Scoundrels, Bougre diables, Cowards, Dastards, Lourdants, Lourdens, Marroufles, Butter-boxes, hoy there— come forth with a vengeance, come out with a Wannion, appear and be pox'd.— Hoy there— d' ye think I ha' nothing else to do but to wait your leisure?— hoy there.— Come out Varlets, Slaves, come out Canaille of the World— come and receive your Doom from my Victorious hand— or else Yield, Submit, Surrender and aclowledge that I am the renowned Palatine of Eboracum that has now twice Overcome, vanquished, subdued, Beaten and triumphed over the white-livered, faint-hearted, L●zy, Lozelly, Belgians.  
The Palatine breathed forth th●se defiances with such a Sonorous, thundering, Amazing, stupefying utterance, that the very Ocean trembled for above twelve Leagues round, and opening her Bowels for fear swallowed up several Flats and Banks of Sand, which till then well known were never seen afterwards.  
But the Belgians had more wit than to attack a Raging lion in his fury, so that they let the Palatine alone to spend his fury without answering a tittle? They would not so much as vouchsafe him a T— in his Teeth, but kept themselves hushed and quiet, well knowing the Palatine could do 'em no harm, and that oft-times it happened according to the Proverb, Many People Threaten, that come to be well beaten. Let him vapour quo they, we'l fight when we see occasion. Which the Palatine perceiving, came down again as he went up, & calling his Tritons about him, Noble Triton's, quo he, the day's our own. We have dared 'em to their Teeths, we have braved them to their Noses, and yet the Son's of Fear and Trepidation will not Stir. 'Tis a rule in fighting that if a man be challenged and refuses to fight, he's a dastard and owns himself beaten. Were they not afraid of us, they would come out; but they are afraid of us, and therefore they keep in. Veni, vidi, vici. 'Tis a plain case— Conquest waits upon us, and triumph attends us— And having so said, he sent away to all the points of the compass to each a particular Herald, besides a dozen Mercuries with winged heels to the City of Troy-Novant to carry the News of the Great Victory which he had obtained over the Belgians. Presently the Sea Horses fell a bellowing, the Triton's fell a drinking, and the Phocas's expressed their joy in Snap-Dragons. But when the tidings arrived at Troy-Novant, you would have thought the City had been all of a Blaze; Men of fourscore might have red a Doctor of Physick's Bill without Spectacles by the Light of the Bonfires; The Bells rung, the rabble shouted, and there was such a confusion of noises, that several new buried people started up out of their Coffin's to know what was the matter they could not sleep quietly i' their Graves. But the main thing of all was, that the next day the Nine Muses all in White Vestments and their hair dishevelled, and adorned with Garlands of Flowers of various sorts, attended by a Legion of Poets and Rhimers went to Alba Regalis, with whole Cartloads of panegyrics and Encomiums of the Palatines valour and conduct. In confirmation of which the Seer Hindus & Pantherus wrote a large Poem of the reality of Nonentities and chimaeras.   

Chap. 42. Of the great perplexity the Palatine was in.  
BUT notwithstanding all this boasting, Ranting and Triumphing, the Palatine was very much perplexed and tormented in mind, for fear lest the Belgians should come out after these Rodomantades, and thrash him as they did before: Which would have been such a Hare-lip in his Reputation tha● all the State-surgery in the World would never be able to sow up again. While he was in this Dilemma, he fell a sleep, and as all the ancient Hero's were directed in dreams what to do in a case of necessity, so did the Emperor of Gehenna sand the Spirit Oniar to instruct his good Friend and Ally the Palatine; Who having dreamed a strange dream, accordingly resolved forthwith to put his dream in execution. To this purpose he sent for two Monstrous Saracens, which he entertained among others for emergent occasions. Monsters indeed, for they were so tall, that they were not above Arm-hole high in the water, wading in the deepest part of the Sea: They had two Eyes in the usual places, and a third in the middle of their foreheads, all as big as whole Cannon Bullets: and they had six Arms and four Legs apiece, with seven Fingers and seven Toes upon each Hand and Foot: and they had a peculiar Quality, that they could stoop, and walk and breath under water for five hours together. To these Monstrous Saracens, Trusty Saracens, quo the Palatine, go find out the Belgian Sea-horses, and bore wide holes in their bellies, that the water may rush in, and sink 'em to the bottom of the Ocean. Spare not one, I charge ye, but serve all alike, and for the reward of your accomplished work, expect two tons of castilian Gold.  
The Saracens thus encouraged, got thirty vast Augurs apiece, ten yards in circumference at the boring place, which they hung at their backs, and so went wading through the Sea in prosecution of the Palatines dismal design. But the Silver-slipper'd Thaumantis, having over-heard the terrible Instructions given by the Palatine to the Saracens, flew presently to the Belgians, and gave them full Information of the mischief that was intended against them. The Tidings of this contrivance set all the Belgians upon the watch, and as they were forewarned, so they made all the hast imaginable to be forearmed; and they looked out so sharp, that at length by the heaving of the Sea, and the foaming of the forced Waves, they perceived where the Saracens were coming along. Presently they threw out their Whale-hooks, and Grapling-Irons fastened to the end of great Cables, some of which so luckily stuck in the Ribs of one of the Saracens, that they pulled him up by the help of their Capstalls and other massy Engines, roaring and bellowing like all the Bulls of Basan in a Herd at once, and so they dragged him to the shore, and over-master'd by number, laid him upon the dry Sand, stretched out like Leviathan himself, at his full length of threescore yards, and thirty yards in breadth. The first thing they did, they put out his three Eyes with burning firebrands, through the torments of which( for notwithstanding his Bulk, he was but Cow-hearted) they forced him to confess the whole design, and who set him at work. Which done, they slit the Continuum of his Windpipe, which was Mortar-piece bore, and having flayed off his Skin five Inches thick, and covered all over with Scales, and pulled out his heart, as big as a great Oyl-Jarr, they buried the Promethean carcase in the Sands. In his heart were discovered all the marks of Cruelty and Barbarism; for it was hairy, and as hard as Adamant. Both the skin and the heart were sold by the Belgians to the loyalists, who purchased them with a great sum of money, and sent them to New Babylon, where they are kept very choicely as the relics of a Martyr that suffered for the Pagan Cause.  
As for the other Saracen, what became of him, no body knows, neither is it a matter of any importance to make any farther enquiry after him. But this we have to say, that when the Palatine heard the News of this Disaster, and the ill success of his Project, he lay roaring three days and nights together, like the King of Palestine for the loss of his Child, and would neither eat nor drink in all that time.   

Chap. 43. Of something worth your Hearing.  
NOW when the Palatine had thus miscarri'd in a Barbarous and unprincely Project, which he thought could never have failed, he whistled all his Sea-horses together, and returning back to the cost of Albion, he shut them up in a wide Waterstable, or gulf of the Sea, called the gulf of Dolthuso, and barricadoed 'em up with an invisible Chain of daring boldness to vain-glorious presumption, a mile in circumference, and thirty Leagues in length, which reached from one end of the Bay to the other. Now having, as he thought, thus secured all his Seahorses from all assaults of the Belgians, he went himself ashore, attended by the greatest number of his Tritons. For you must know, that after the ill success of the Saracens, the Palatine had conceived another design in his head, and by the terrible pains which he felt in his skull, he was of opinion that his time of Delivery was by. To supply therefore the want of Jupiter's Midwife,( for there was not one among all his Tritons or Phocas's that knew how to cleave a skull, and close it together again) the Palatine sent for a Son of Esculapius to open his skull with a Trepan: Who had no sooner made a hole on both sides the Coronal Suture about the breadth of an Astopian Crown piece,( which the Artist was above two hours a-doing, for the Palatines skull was very hard and thick) but out leaped an embryo of a Project in the nature of a Bears Cub, without form or shape; which the Palatine therefore undertook to lick into Lineaments. But when he had licked it, till his Tongue was almost as dry as the out-side of a Westphalie-Ham, he could never lick it to such a perfection, but that it still retained a hideous Monstrosity. For as the Annals of those times report, it was to have delv'd under the Sea till he came to the Shore of the lower Belgium, and so to have undermined all the Country as far as Ultrajectum one way, to the strong Town of Obtricum another way, in order to the blowing up of all the Confederated Belgium, Towns, Cities, Families, Men, Women, Virgins, Children, cattle and all. To this purpose he sent for Gog and Magog, and made him his chief Engineer and Overseer of his Works, who brought along with him a Legion of Peruvian Miners accustomed to delve under the Earth, in search of the great God of the World Aurum. To which, the Palatine having joined his own Phocas's, they had proceeded so far, that in ten days they were got within forty Fathom of the Foundations of the Northern Hemisphere.   

Chap. 44. How the Palatine was surprised by the Belgians, and how be sacrificed his Vice-Archithalassus, the Knight of the Pointed Mount to his Despair.  
BUT while the Palatine was thus busily employed, and lay with all his Sea-horses, unbridl'd, unsaddl'd, at rack and manger, secure and careless of any thing else, but of carrying on the Great work which he had begun, the Belgians having some inkling of his design, and being informed by their Scouts in what Posture the Palatine lay, and how the Tritons were all ashore, some caressing their fair Clytemnestra's, others carousing the Confusion of the Christians, and lambasting the unexpected Belgians in their Cups, the sedulous and wary Belgians resolved to lay hold of the opportunity. To which purpose they anointed the hoofs of all their Sea-horses, with equal parts of the Oils of Silentium and Celeritas, and so setting forth betimes in the morning, by the means of a large Curtain which the Silver-slipper'd Iris drew before them, made of the same stuff as her own Garments; only that it was not of so many colours, nor embroder'd with the Sun-beams, they fell undiscovered upon the Albionians, before they perceived that any Enemy was near them. And it is verily thought that the Belgians had then destroyed all the Albionian Sea-horses, but for the terrible resistance which some few of the Albionian Tritons made, that lay without the Entrance into the gulf, as Out-guards to the rest. Presently the Sea-horses fell a roaring and bellowing, and spouting fire at one another, as if so many Bellerophon's had been fighting so many chimaeras, which were Monsters that breathed nothing but fire, and would undo a hundred rich Farmers in the twinkling of an Eye, by destroying all their stocks upon the ground. Immediately the rest of the Tritons took the Alarm, and sent to the Palatine to know what they should do; but he was so deeply engaged in the Military game of Draughts, with the chiefest of his Minions, Misodemus, Patraloias, Philotyrannus, Cacaflexipolis, Cacodaemon, Ocnos, Hamotes, and several others of the same gang, that he made them little or no answer. For he was so wrapped up with assurance of the success of his new Project to destroy the Belgians, by blowing up their Country, that he looked upon himself as already Lord of the Earth; and as for his own Albionians, he as mortally hated them as the Belgians. But being pressed by Messengers upon Messengers that were sent to him to hasten Relief, Bold Slaves, quo the Palatine, what means this saucy Intrusion upon my Privacies? How many Tritons are there that make opposition? Not above six or seven, quo the Messengers. enough in all Conscience, replied the Palatine, with a surly frown, to fight the cowardly Belgians. Were I there myself, I'd beat the Scoundrils with half the number. But when I challenged them, they would not come out to me; and now they are come to me, I scorn to go out to them.  
spoken like yourself, far dreaded Palatine, cried one of his Hibernian Argonauts, by name Pamponeros; and at the same time lifting to his Nose a whole Punch-bowl of Lotos-berry Brandy, began a health to the Perdition of the Belgians; which the Palatine pledging, fell into such a soporiferous Trance, that he became altogether insensible of the great Trust which the Albionians had reposed in him. For such is the nature of the Lotos fruit, that whoever drinks the liquour where it is infused, presently forgets his Native Country. Others say, that he was enchanted by the terrible Necromancer Prodotes, who had a great Ascendant over the Palatine in every thing, but where the Astopian King was concerned, and being moreover a desperate Enemy of the Albionians, he so contrived it with the great Wind-broaker aeolus, that there was no Wind to be had for love or money to favour the Albionians; so that such Tritons as were willing to help their fellows, could not: And as for the Astopians, they lay by with their Sails furled, their Archithalassus declaring that he had strict command from his Universal Monarch not to hazard the least Rib of any of the Sea-Monsters under his Conduct, without leave of the Demons and Goddesses to whom they were particularly consecrated; for then 'twas to be expected, the Semideities would take care of their own Goods; otherwise it would be unfafe for the Astopian Monarch to venture at his own peril against the Will of unconsulted Heaven. Besides tho' 'twere the Custom in Astopia for the Seconds as well as the Principals, to fight by Land, yet by Sea the Astopians never fought as Seconds, but only looked on at a distance out of harms way: their business being only to make a show, and to learn by other mens harms to be wary themselves.  
All this while, tho' the Sea-Monsters on both-sides roared, bellow'd and disgorged Fire and Flames at one another like the furnaces of Aetna, the Palatine sat no more concerned or in any marshal passion, than if the Tritons had been only pelting each other with Pruen-Stones, till Gog and Magog coming to him with all his Crew at his Heels, and telling him he had sapp'd three Leagues under the Sea, but could go no farther, in regard he had met with the Massy impenetrable Adamantine Rock to which the Poles of the World were fastened, which put the Palatine into such a Rage, that he flung a full Punch-bowl of Brandy-wine at Gog and Magog's Head, and cursed beelzeebub for putting him upon the best Project in the World, and leaving him in the lurch: Nor would any thing atone his fury, till word was brought him, that the Vice-Archithalassus, otherwise called the Knight of the pointed Mountain was drowned, for want of timely aid, in the Ocean, and that the Princely Jacomo, one of the best Sea-Monsters the Albionians had, after she had laid about her like an Host of Amazons, and with her brazen Heels and Iron jaws had kicked two Belgian Incendiary Towers, to the bottom of the Sea, and had rent and torn and mangled several others of the Belgian Pegasits's, that they were no longer able to endure the rolling of the Waves, was at length for want of due succour sacrificed to Neptune, by a daring Belgian Incendiary; and that several others of the bravest and stoutest of the Albionian Tritons were devoured by the Belgian Sea-Monsters; as being overpowr'd by number, and choosing rather to sacrifice their Lives to the Honour of their Country, and to survive in after ages the Monuments of their deserted Valour, than to surrendur themselves a Prey to their Insulting Enemies.  
At this the Palatine, while the Necromancer Prodotes stood snickering at his Elbow, began to rouse himself; and are they gone? quoth he; is the Knight of the pointed Mountain suffocated in the Briny Ocean? And are so many of my Tritons devoured by the Belgian Sea-Monsters? Let 'em go— what said our Royal Beaupere, of blessed memory; I trust I have within my Realm five hundred as good as they— When the ancient Gods were angered by the Disgraces and Affronts of inferior Mortals it was usual to atone their Indignation by sacrifices the most acceptable: And some would not be co●tented without human Victims: Witness Iphiginia, a dansel worth a hundred Tritons such as I have lost; yet Agamemnon would have her dragged to the Altar. And am not I as great as Agamemnon? Poor creatures! they fought blindfold, not understanding the mysterious depth of my design in this same Belgian War, to waste the wealth and valour o● the Rebellious Albionians. The curse of Antichrist light upon the lazy Gog and Magog for stoping thus at an Adamantin Rock. Had I been in his room, and furnished with his brawny Arms, I would have delv'd up the foundations of the Earth, to have undermined all Belgium. And now my honoured Argonauts, to show what I can do; I'll make the best of what has happened in spite of all the world.   

Chap. 45. How the Palatine wrested the Victory out of the Belgians hands, and of the Great Bon-fire he made for joy.  
THus spoken the Palatine, and having so said, he sent to inquire what was become of the Belgians? To which it was answered that they were gone away with Victory and the honour of the day. Are they gone quo the Palatine, by the Testicles of Pegasus I'll after ' em. With that he ordered the Necromancer Prodotes to untie his bag, and let loose all the favourable Fluster-blusterers & presently mustering all his Sea-Horses together, except such as were so terribly wounded and disabled that they could not stir, immediately pursued the Belgian's with Wings displayed, and all the Titans with every one a pair of Massy-bellows blowing Wind in the Tails of his Sea-horses. But as their good fortune would have it, before the Palatine could get to the Coasts of Belgium, the Belgian's dreading the fury of his pursuit, had locked themselves into their Sea-Fortresses, where they were as safe as Gold in a Misers Chest, with their Masts stuck with laurel, and crowned with Garlands of all sorts of Flowers. This the Palatine liked right well; however the more he was assured of the Resolution of the Belgians not to stir, the more eager he seemed to be at ' em. Sometimes he was for Gogg and Magog and his crews removing the Shelves and Flats; sometimes he was for their carrying the Sea-horses upon their Shoulders over the Sands; but these Projects not being approved he drew up all his Sea-Horses in the form of a half Moon, set his Sea-Monsters a roaring and butted no less than five hundred thousand pound Jewish Shekels of round Iron Balls in the Sands, as if he had intended to cram the Metal again into the Bowels of the Earth from whence it was first taken, Shouting and bounce continually for four Days and Nights together. Which done, look ye, quo he, we have besieged 'em thus long in their own Burroughs, and you see they dare not come out: Now then, will the World believe them to be Victors that dare not fight the vanquished? I am not bound to wait upon their tai's till doomsday. With that he gave Order that the whole Fleet of Sea Monsters should open three times▪ set all his Sea-Musick a playing, Trumpets, Clarions, Flutes, Hautbois, Drums and heavens, and so as if he had been gainer of the great battle of Lepanto, returned in triumph to the place from whence he came.  
He was no sooner come back, but he dispatched away famed before with a whole sack full of relations, as much as she could well carry, to Alba Regalis: Where she had no sooner emptied her farthel, but all the City of Troy-Novant was full of the joyful tidings of the greatest Victory that ever was obtained over the Belgians. For confirmation of which several eminent Tritons, by the Palatines Order, followed her close at the Heels, with the particulars of so many Belgian Centaurs slain, so many desperately, so many mortally, so many slightly wounded. So many Sea-Monsters destroyed, so many taken, so many disabled; So many thousand Phocas's Prisoners, so many slain. To which they added such remarkable circumstances as would have made a Turk believe 'em: As how that the Number of the slain Belgians had invited all the smell-feast Whales out of the North Seas, to the great disappointment of the Merchants in Whale-bones and Train oil; that there had been more Gold rings taken by the Mackarel men upon gutting their Fish, than Hannibal sent to Cartha●e after the Slaughter of the ancient Romans at Cannae. In all the Coffee-houses, there were some that made it their business to sit at the upper end of the Tables, and Swear to the truth of all this, and named the very place where the engagement was, to the Leewards of the Islands of Medamothi and Rovack, says one. No, says another, 'twas within three Leagues of the Islands of Tohu Vavohu, which while one denied and the other affirmed, there was such thumping upon the Tables with clinch'd fists, that there were almost as many Nicotia-Fistula's broken in the Land contest, as there were Belgians killed in the Sea engagement. But nothing gave so much reputation to this Chimerical Victory as the double diligence of monsieur gazette, a most obsequious observer of the Palatines Command, and one that always at that time spoken the Language of the Court; who left no ston unturned to convey the blessed news to all the parts and corners of Albion: Horse Posts, and Foot Posts, Expresses and couriers, your clotted Shoon Mercuries, and Winged Charioters; Nay there was not a wind in the compass but what had a packet of Advice tied to his tail to convey the more speedily these joyful tidings to every cranny of the Nation; Which by way of retaliation returned as well loaden with addresses to the Palatine, full of adulation and rapture, Exultations and rejoicings for his Success, for the preservation of his Person, as if he had been the only Palladium upon which the welfare of the Kingdom depended.  
But when it was rumoured that the Palatine was returning to Alba-Regalis, multitudes poured forth to meet him; some in Gondola's, some in Brigandines, some in Gallyfoists, & Triremes, after the Old Roman manner, believing that he would have made his Entry into the River Thamesis in a Sea-Chariot, drawn by Dolphins, and attended by Neptune, with all the nereids dancing about him, but being deceived in their Expectations; some swore they never mistrusted the Truth of the Heathen Poetry till then: for that had there been any such things as Marine deities, Sea-Nymphs, and Mermaids, they could not have failed of their duties upon such an occasion as that. But others answered, that the Palatine had so frighted them with the noise of his victorious Thunder, that they lay quaking and trembling all at the bottom of the Sea, and durst not make their appearance before the terror of the Ocean: and that the Palatine was such, there could be no greater proof than that Neptune himself had Abdicated his Dominions for fear of him. However, other Honours were done him by his Vassals the Antichristians. For presently came the loyalists, Mateologians, Maenades, and Tirelupins, and consecrated all the River of Thamesis from the Esperanza to Alba-Regalis, and turned it into Gringorian water, which they perfumed all the way, with all the rich-scented gums of Arabia Foelix, and strewed it with Ivy, laurel, Myrtles, Poppies, Daffadowndillies, Roses, and all those other Plants and Flowers which were formerly sacred to Heathen Gods. And thus the Palatine was rowed up a sort of Liquid Elysian Fields, till he came to Alba-Regalis, where he was embraced, hugged and kissed by the Sultan of Albion, as if he had won him all the Monarchy of Darius. But when the hare-brained People came to express their joy in Bonfires, there was not Wood enough to be found in all Troynovant. Of which the Palatine being informed, he fell into a wonderful Passion, which Panurgus, one of the Palatines Chief Counsellors observing, Most Noble Palatine, quo He, I have observed on the other side of the Thamesis, contiguous to the Bridge that joins the two Continents of the Trinobantines and the Canutians, a huge Chaos of wild, rotten, wooden Buildings, fit for nothing but to feed the hungry flames: Give me a wink and I'll undertake to make you one of the greatest Bonfires that ever dazzled the sky, excepting that of Troynovant itself, or that which Phaeton made for joy of having cozened his Father of the sovereignty of the Universe. Panurgus, quo the Palatine, I am secure in thy Affection, take thy course. Upon which Panurgus calling out his Incendiaries, set all Austraergon in such a flamme, that the Conflagration lasted for several days and nights together; not only visible to Alba Regalis, but proclaiming the successful Grandeur of the Palatine to all the surrounding Provinces of Albion. Great and glorious achievement, quo Panurgus, merit the most glorious demonstrations of our joy; and now I think I have out-done the Low enterprise of the Hebrew hero, in setting fire to a little dry Straw in a hot Country.   

Chap. 46. Of the Noise which the Palatines great achievements made in the far distant Regions of the world, and the various Effects of it.  
BY the Light and Blaze of this great Bonfire, famed flew through all the world from Region to Region as swift as Wildfire, which is fifteen hundred Leagues in half an hour. She made a short stop in Ethiopia, at Prester John's Country, where she  told a long story to Queen Candaces, and thence fetching a tower about the Southern Hemisphere, came to the Great Moguls Court, and then passed on to the Emperour of China, so to the Tartars, and the lately discovered Common-wealth of Heliopolis, in her return homeward taking Persia, Mingrelia and Russia in her way. It is not to be credited how those far distant Monarchs were astonished, and what a panic dread seized upon their spirits to hear of the wonderful achievements performed by the Palatine, while every one thought him in the bowels of his Dominions already. The great mogul, admonished and terrified by the Fate of his Predecessor Porus, dreaded the coming of another Alexander, and looking upon his vast Empire as already lost, tho' of a black, sun-burnt complexion, turned as white and as pale as a piece of new fine Holland. The Emperour of China had newly drank his mornings-draught, and breakfasted just as the news came, at what time the apprehension of the danger he was in, cast him into such a could sweat, that he brought up all again. And as for the great Can of Tartary, he was in such a lamentable pickle, that you might have smelled him above ten German Leagues.  
But as for the Female Sex, the physic of the Palatine's glorious Actions wrought quiter after another manner: For as there is nothing works so much upon the Minds and Fancies of the High-born Women as Valour, and the Honour of having some renowned Champion fettered in the Chains of their Golden Curls, Candace found her self so smitten with the charms of the Palatines Renown, that burning Love had almost consumed her bowels, so that she lost the use of her Teeth for six months together. At length she prevailed with her next neighbour the Great Emperour of Morocco, to sand a splendid embassy to the Palatine, with offer of all her large Dominions, if he would but vouchsafe to accept of her and them together, promising withal to admit the loyalists into her Country, tho' mortally hated by her Subjects, if he would but condescend to her Proposals. The Palatine received the ambassadors with all the demonstrations of Civility imaginable, and with all the expressions of a Courtier acknowledged the Honour which the Queen of Ethiopia had done him; but  told them withal, that his business lay at this end of the world, to root out a Northern heresy▪ which he feared would cost him the whole time of his life to accomplish. With which Answer the ambassadors returning, the disconsolate Condace threw her self into a huge Funeral Pile, and ended her days like Queen Dido.  
The next that was ready to hang her self in her own Garters, was the Sister of the Mighty Aurang Zeeb; and she lay night and day at her Brother, that she might be chained to a Rock like Andromeda, and exposed to the fury of some Sea-Monster: For surely then, thought she, this valorous Champion will fly to my Rescue, and then I shall have an opportunity to tell him my mind. With that she sent him a Diamond as big as an Elephants Head, and a Letter in the Indian Character. But by what mischance is not known, the Diamond miscarried, and as for the Letter, 'twas Heathen Greek to the Palatine, for he could not red a word in it; so that if the Princess's Brother were so fond as to humour her, 'tis impossible but that she must have paid for her longing, long before this.  
The Princess of China was more politic; for she despairing that the Palatine, being so great a Prince as he was, would travail to China for a Wife, thought it her duty rather to attend upon him her self: So she got leave of the Sun to ride in his Coach-box, and came to Albion incognito: But when Phaeton had set her down in the West of Albion, near the Mount of the Arch-Angel, she heard the doleful news that the Palatine was married above two months before; and how she got back again, there's no body ever could tell.   

Chap. 47. How the Palatine married the most Beautiful Messalina Princess of Demonia upon the River Eridanus, with whom he had a Golden Mountain, and Phaetons relics for her Portion.  
IN the midst of all these designed Addresses of the greatest Princesses in the world, the Palatine having refused the Courtship and Caresses of the One, and the rest not rightly understanding which way to make their Addresses, the Princess of Demonia got start of them all: for having the Advantage of sending the Palatine her Picture, she so inflamed him with the sight of her Divine Beauty, that had any of the Pagan Goddesses, Mary of Egypt, the blessed Cecilia, or the Queen of Heavens Maid of Honour Madam Agatha, made love to him in a dream from Heaven, he would not have exchanged the Carnal Embraces of the Princess Messalina for their Celestial Caresses. Besides that, she was nearly allied to the Holy Pontiff of Spiritual Babylon▪ to whom the Palatine was endeared by many ties of Religion, and other Sacred Obligations of Duty and Affection. She was as black as a Raven's wing, yet fair as the Wife of Menelaus: Her Breasts were like the Pillars of Jupiter: Her Cherry Lips dropped nothing but Manna of Campania, and her Breath more odiferous than Balm of Gilead: Her Nose was like the Pharos of Egypt: Her Belly like Adonis's Bed of Roses, and her Thighs like the Pillars of the Gates, of which St. Peter keeps the Keys. As she past through Astopia, the great Monarch of that Empire, in deference to the Palatine met her; and beholding her angelic Perfections, wished himself the High Priest of Calecutt, who by the Religion of that Country has the privilege to be the King's Taster.  
At the same time, as a Testimonial of the strict and indelible Amity that was between the Palatine himself, and to demonstrate what a high value and veneration he had for her incomparable virtue and Beauty, surpassing( in his Fancy) the Shulamite so loudly ex-tolled by the King of the Hebrews he presented her with a Mountain all of massy Gold, which had been presented to his great Grandfather Grangousier, by the Iberian King, a German Mile in circumference, and an Albion League high, carried by ten thousand Chrim Tartars, fifteen foot tall, not missing a quarter of an Inch one of another. Which Mountain served her instead of a Canopy, to keep not only her, but her Chariot from the Rain as she traveled upon the Road. Which Mountain the Tartars carried upon Pillars of Wood, like a Lord Mayor's Pageant, to the Sea: But there being no Ships big enough to transport it, they made a Portentous Arbalista in imitation of the old Roman Engine, with which they were wont to sling prodigious Stones into besieged Cities, and of which the great ptolemy Poliorketes was the Inventor; by the help of which Engine the Tartars first slung the Mountain across the Ocean from Astopia into Albion, and then slung themselves after it. And so taking it up again in Albion, carried it to Troynovant, where the Palatine melted it down and coined it into money to defray the expenses of the Famous Opera of Catiline's Conspiracy.  
And as she had all these Perfections to recommend her outward form, the Endowments of her Mind were much more amiable; for sweetness of disposition surpassing Inno; for Chastity, far excelling the Mother of the Gods, only that she had one fault, that now and then she would take up a ston with her Ear. For haughty Pride of Mind, she went far beyond Niobe: And she had one peculiar faculty, that she could as well have hatched Children, as the Egyptians do Chickens in an Oven, as bear 'em in her Womb.  
No wonder then, that the Palatine, ravished with all these advantages both of her Body and Soul, sought her by his ambassadors and Proxies with all the diligence and fedulity imaginable, and ventured all his future happiness both in this and the world to come, to obtain so inestimable a Jewel. He spared for no cost, but presented her with all the Rarities that the Earth could afford, or his Treasury purchase. Among the rest, he sent her an old Smock, old in years, but which the Queen of Heaven, Madam Di Loretto, had never worn but once in her life; the Sudarium, with the Picture of her Son, taken from the Life in sweat, and the Box of Ointment which Venus gave Phaon the Ferry-man, who transported her from Sicily into Italy; for the preservation of her Beauty; which so won her heart, that she could not deny him.  
When she arrived in Albion, he met her with a glorious train of all the Marine Deities, both Male and Female, and as a new mark of the great veneration he had for her, recommended to her Peleus for her Gentleman Usher, and Thetis to be the Mother of her Maids.  
At the Ceremony of the Marriage, the Pontiff of Babylon gave her by his Proxy Panurgus, the great Emperor of Dinblonia held up her Train, and allecto and Tisiphone were her two Bride-Maids.  
Her Gown was made all of small Rings of Gold, the voided spaces of which were filled up with Diamonds and Rubies; the workmanship of an Hebrew lineally descended from the famous Artist that made the Covering of the Jewish Ark.  
The Sheets that she lay in the first night, were of the purest Calicutt that Oriental India afforded, printed on both sides with Epithalamiums, mottoes and cyphers, sent her from the two Luminaries of Albion, Oxenfordia, and Cantabrigia, and procured by the care and industry of the Seer Obadiah Walkero. And the Curtains of her Bed were embroidered with the Lutetian Massacre, and the Amours of Alexander the VIIth. and Donna Olympia, by the Great great Grand-daughter of the Great great Grand-daughters Daughters Daughter of Dorcas that made Childrens Coats in the Infancy of the Primitive Church. The Palatine admired, worshipped, adored her, and three times a week laid his neck at her feet for her to trample upon, with this Motto, supper Aspidem, &c. Such was the high esteem and reverence which he had for her: for knowing his defect one way, he supplied it in a respect and obedience. But in regard we shall have farther occasion to mention this great Mistress of the great Master of this Northern part of the world, we shall say no more of her at present.   

Chap. 48. How the Palatine, the more to ingratiate himself with his new married Princess, raised the numerous Band of the Oriflambs of Troynovant, and how he encountered and overthrew the whole Army of the Chinabeefians, Costardi, and Vensonpastiggians, three great Nations in perpetual Enmity with the Albionians, upon the Plains of Drappers-hallia.  
THE Palatine was so overjoyed with his Mountain of Gold, and so ravished with the extraordinary Accomplishments of the Princess of Demonia, that he made it his study to rivet himself into her favour and affection, and sought all opportunities to continue the high opinion she had of his Valour and Conduct, and of his being one of the greatest Champions in the World. Nor was it long before Fortune, whose Darling and Minion he was, presented him with one for a New-years Gift. For the Chinabeefians, the Costardi, and the Vensonpastiggians, a wild and savage sort of People, with whom the Albionians had been at continual Wars for some hundreds of years, but could never so subdue them, but that they recruited again in spite of their teeths, being still assisted by the Crembollians and Henegghians, believing that now was their time to recover their Liberty, if they could but strike a terror into the Albionians by overcoming the Palatine upon whom the Albionians depended, as the ancient Philistines did upon their Champions of Gath, sent to the Palatine, more fool-hardy than prudent, as they were, to meet 'em fairly in the Plains of Drapershallia, there to determine the feud which had been so long between them and the Albionians. Now the Palatine deeming it but rational to consider the Policies of these three Nations before he took the field, found that the Chinabeefians were a barbarous sort of People, that when they were worsted, presently retreated behind the most formidable Palisado's imaginable, which they made of the bones of the Sacrifices which they offered to their great Idol Gaster; from whence it was impossible to force them without a long Siege, and great loss of Men. That the Vensonpastiggians, upon a Rout, hide themselves under spacious Caves, contrived with great Art, and covered over with a Cement made of the dust of the fruit of the Herb Triticum, mixed with Eggs and a certain Unguent which the ancients called Butyrum, which rendered those Fortifications as strong as the Walls of Coventria, which no Mattocks nor Pickaxes could enter, till they were undermined and blown up with Stygian Gunpowder. And then for the Custardi, they were like the wild Hibernians; if they were vanquished, they retired into their bogs, so that there was no way to destroy 'em, but by devouring them and their Walls, and swallowing bogs and all.  
The Palatine having well considered all these things, caused great Levies of pioners to be made amongst the Bonstomachians and the Gasterians, and ordered them to be extraordinarily furnished with all the Utensils and Instruments for Mining and Sapping, as Spades, Shovels, Pickaxes, Mattocks, and long Spoons, such as Magog was wont to use when he eat with the Devil.  
More especially he ordered them to furnish themselves with short broad Knives, with Buckshorn Handles, for the more faster holding, to cut their way through all opposition.  
Which done he raised the whole Force of the Tyrian-Fetherians, all approved Champions, and well exercised in Arms; and now both Armies being met in the spacious Plains of Drappershallia, the Chinabeefians, Vensonpastiggians and Costardi drew up in three Bodies. The Chinabeefians had the Vanguard, the Vensonpastiggians the Main battle, and the Costardi the Rearguard. The Tyrian-Fetherians on the other side being ranged by the Palatine, with all the skill and forefight of a prudent Captain. The Palatine made them a short Harangue, wherein he gave them to understand, That they were not now to fight for their Religion, their Estates, and their Wives and Children, but for what was dearer than all these, their own most precious Lives. For what signified Religion, Estates, Wives & Children, if they had not life to enjoy them? And therefore he besought them for his own and their Honour, to behave themselves with a Courage equal to that of the Maccabees, and by the success of that day, to support the high opinion which all the world had of their Valour.  
The Palatine having thus said, in short, the battle began with an unparalleled heat and fury, by reason of the stout Resistance which the Chinabeefians for a long time made; insomuch that Victory hovered over the Palatine with a pale and dubious Aspect, till at length, by the undaunted Bravery of the Tyrian-Fetherians the Chinabeefians were forced within their Palisadoe's: at what time the Reserve of Footbuoyonians coming in made such an universal havoc of all the Enemies Vanguard, that there was not so much as one Chinabeefian left to carry the tidings of this dismal loss to their Wives and Children.  
The Vensonpastiggians held out for some longer time, but the Tyrian-Fetherians, otherwise called the Oriflambs of Troynovant, being refreshed with whole Bowls of Bacchus's liquour, dug up and entered their Caves, with that resolution, notwithstanding the stifling smoke proceeding from the Trains of Oriental India Powder, which the Vensonpastiggians had laid to secure themselves, and the Longing wee monians, a sort of Amazons in Troynovant, at deadly feud with the Vansonpastiggians, coming in to their Assistance, and carrying away great pieces of the sides, and whole corners of the walls of their Fortifications, the Vensonpastiggians were left naked to the fury of their Enemies, and all destroyed every Mothers Son▪  
Which the Costardi seeing, would fain have made their escapes, but being surrounded on every side, they were forced to run the same Fate with their Confederates. So that the Victory to his immortal Renown remained entire to the Palatine.  
The famed of this Victory soon spread itself to all the corners of the Wind: But to no body was the news of it so acceptable as to the Princess of Demonia, who now believed she had espoused the bravest Champion of the world. And thus ends the first part of this most remarkable Story.   
FINIS.  

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